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Written by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.] Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this now? Joey: Guggly worm. Phoebe: (laughs and picks up another lure) And this? Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer. Phoebe: (laughs harder) You make it so funny. Monica: (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what’s this? Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich) Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller’s got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It’s the classic struggle between man and—(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a lamp. Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) That’s all right. Hey you guys, you know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I’m doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?" All: Great! (Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck in tow.) Chandler: You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here. Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.) Monica: Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week? Joey: Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two. Monica: What’s Phase Two? Joey: Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club. Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better? Ross: Because there are naked ladies there. Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women. Ross: There are naked ladies there too. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.] Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week? Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is. Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I need? Rachel: Yeah! Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves. Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let’s see. (Grabs his hand.) You’re about—well uh, this one is large. And this one—(Grabs the other hand.) Joshua: Also large? Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up! Joshua: Okay. Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment? Rachel: Yes. Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London—well Shropshire really but y’know—well she’s about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, De Fladermouse, and I was wondering if you’d like to keep her company this evening? Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great! Mr. Waltham: Oh, good. Rachel: Me, Fladermouse, great. I really—(motions to Joshua.) Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much. Joshua: So…(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?") Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.) Joshua: Gloves? Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I’ll be right back! Joshua: Uhh, actually y’know what, I kinda—I have to take off. Rachel: Oh. Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight? Rachel: No! Nothing! Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it’s opening tonight, would you like to come? Rachel: Yeah! That would be great! Joshua: You’re into hardcore S&M right? Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guess—I… Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I’m gonna get there early, but I’m going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me. Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha! Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn’t I? Rachel: What? Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, De Fladermouse. Rachel: Oh. Oh, right. Mr. Waltham: I think you’ll like it, it has two out of the three tenors. Rachel: Oh yay! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.] Chandler: Y’know, I can’t believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I’m never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants! Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take ‘em off and we’ll have some fun. Joey: (entering) Hey-hey! Ross: Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.) Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea. All: (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow! Monica: You stink! Ross: Are you kidding?! Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how’s he doing? Ross: He hasn’t gotten out of that chair in two days. Joey: (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How’s it going? (Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.) Joey: (To the rest of the gng) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, I’ve got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah! Rachel: (entering) Hey! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, Monica! Monica: Uh-oh, what’s the matter? Rachel: Ohh, it’s Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So… What are you gonna do? Monica: I don’t know sweetie. Rachel: No! Help me! Monica: I can’t! I have to work! Rachel: Phoebe? Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening. Rachel: Ugh! Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me. Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is—I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know the "Wouldn’t it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back? Monica: No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you smell. Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi! Ross: Hi! Rachel: So…. Ross: No. Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!! (There’s a knock on the door.) Monica: I think she’s here. Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please! Ross: You want me to take some girl I’ve never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie. Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she’s looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can’t see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello! Woman: Hello! (Monica screams) Rachel: I’ll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we’ve gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me? Ross: All right, I’ll do it. Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily? Emily: Yes. Rachel: I’m Rachel Green. Emily: Thank goodness. Rachel: There’s been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I’m not free tonight. So… Emily: Really?! Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? I must’ve missed your call, even though I didn’t leave the flat all day. Rachel: Oh well, no I… Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that’s not rude! It’s perfectly in keeping with a trip that I’ve already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who’s got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum. Monica: I-I-I think you look great. Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.) (Pause) Rachel: I’ll get her. Ross: Please hurry. Phoebe: Don’t you just love the way they talk?! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast.] Phoebe: Ohh! Monica: What? Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted. Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here! Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you can’t go like that! You stink! Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don’t have time! They’re just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it. Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that’ll help the smell. (He opens the door to reveal Rachel.) Rachel: Hey—whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow! Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night? Rachel: Well, I didn’t see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face. Monica: What? Phoebe: Why? Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep. Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her? Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I’m Rachel Greep! I’m Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in. Monica: So you ht her in the face? Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can’t believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me. Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs. Rachel: Honey, that’s you’re name. Phoebe: That’s short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other! (Chandler enters from his bedroom.) Monica: Hey! You’re wearing pants! Chandler: That’s right! Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers. Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning! Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet. (The phone rings and Monica answers it.) Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross! Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him! Monica: Oh-oh, my God! Chandler: Well, can I just… Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what? Chandler: She’s shhing me! It’s my phone and she’s shhing me! Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What’s he saying? Monica: He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont! Phoebe: What? Oh my God! Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily—(realises) noooo!! COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.] Rachel: They’re in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms franticly and hits Chandler.) Chandler: Ow! Rachel: How—how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.) Chandler: Maybe, she doesn’t ht him all the time. [cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.] Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn’t be miserable? I’m telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person. Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! Ross: I’ve gotta go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.) [cut back to Chandler and Joey’s.] Monica: He had to go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Rachel: I don’t get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.) Chandler: Okay, I’m going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.) Monica: Why do you care so much anyway? Rachel: I don’t care! All right, y’know what I’m just upset that I’m getting nowhere with Joshua that—y’know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont! Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail. Rachel: Oh, y’know, would you just for once, not remember every…little…thing!! (Storms out.) Chandler: So y’know, uh, when’s he getting back? Monica: A couple of days. Chandler: Y’know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.) Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You can’t just go back a phase! Chandler: Yes you can. You’re thinking about time, you can’t go back in time. Phoebe: Well, look, why don’t you just, why don’t you do your Phase Two strip club thing with us. Monica: Yeah, come on, we can be guys! Chandler: (laughs) No you can’t. Phoebe: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys! Chandler: You don’t want to be guys, you’d be all hairy and wouldn’t live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom) Phoebe: Y’know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!! Chandler: Okay. (Starts to cry) Phoebe: I’m sorry. (Goes and hugs him) [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.] Joey: (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I’m here! I’m here! The A.D: Calm down, we got time, we’re running a little late. (Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a liquorice whip.) Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip! The A.D: Yeah, we loves ‘em. I’ve never seen him with—(He gets a whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.) Joey: (trying to act like he’s not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad? The A.D: You. Joey: Y’know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is? The A.D: You? Joey: No-no, it’s uh, it’s Heston. The A.D: What? Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice. The A.D: There’s no way he smells, he’s the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room. Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be? The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it. Joey: Interesting. [Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn’t enjoying himself.] Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, I’ve got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties? Chandler: No thanks, Mom! (A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.) Phoebe: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, ‘cause I’m pregnant. The Cigarette Smoking Guy: (No, not the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files.) Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club. Phoebe: Ha-ha, it’s not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.) (The dancer finishes and everyone claps.) Monica: Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancer’s hot pants) so good. Phoebe: (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic. Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn’t call. I mean you’d think he’d be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont! Phoebe: Come on! Look where you are!! Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris. Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please. Monica: Oh! And don’t let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy. Chandler: Ahh, come on! Y’know what—y’know what, I think I’m just gonna go home and call Kathy. Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help. Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I’m gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I’m gonna get so drunk, I’m gonna wanna call Janice Phoebe: You should! How is she? Chandler: Ohhh!! Monica: I think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.) [Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston’s dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.] Charlton Heston: Hello! Who’s in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a naked and wet Joey.) Joey: How ya doin’? Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you? Joey: I guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh? Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt. Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I’m an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I’m doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink. Charlton Heston: (shocked) You’re in this picture? Joey: Yeah-yeah, I’m one of the cops that won’t work with you ‘cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I’m really sorry, but I stink! Charlton Heston: Joey, right? Joey: Yeah. Charlton Heston: (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower and sits down on the couch) Every actor at one time or another—opp! (Joey tries to sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he tnk, Bob Redford won’t even watch himself. Joey: Oh no-no-no, you don’t understand… Charlton Heston: Listen to me! Joey: Oh yeah, yeah. Charlton Heston: I don’t know one actor worth his salt that didn’t say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?! Joey: Yes sir! Yes sir, I’m-I’m—(he starts to leave) Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants. Joey: Yeah. Oh, yeah. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are returning from the strip club.] Monica: So, we did okay at the strip club, right? Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade! Rachel: (entering) I can’t believe it! He still hasn’t called. Phoebe: Who, Josh? Rachel: It’s Joshua. Monica: What, he doesn’t like Josh? Rachel: No, I don’t. Chandler: All right, well I’m gonna put my sweats back on. Phoebe: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y’know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren’t great at being guys, but you know why? Because we’re girls. Chandler: Yeah? Phoebe: And do you know what girls are really good at? Chandler: Stripping! Phoebe: No, listening! Sit! Y’know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk. Rachel: Yeah, come on! What’s going in on in there? (Pats his chest.) Monica: Yeah. And y’know, if you wanna cry, that’s okay too. Chandler: Okay, look, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave. Monica: Come on! Chandler! Chandler: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn’t picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.) Monica: They really were pretty, weren’t they? (Rachel and Phoebe both agree) Phoebe: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one. Monica: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky! Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Y’know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. (Chandler is intrigued.) It’d, it’d be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite. Rachel: See, I don’t know, for me it would have to Chantal. Monica: Oh, Chantal! Rachel: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh… Chandler: (jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three! Monica: Really?! Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all those women! Monica: That’s-that’s not Phase Three. Chandler: Well, I’m there too! Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group? Chandler: Stop it! You’re klling me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four! Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that? Chandler: Where I don’t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!! [Scene: Central Perk, the gng is there, minus Ross. Chandler is trying to cheer Joey up about missing Phase Two.] Chandler: Come on, let me see that smile. Joey: I don’t wanna. Chandler: Please? Joey: I wanted to go to the strip club! Chandler: I know, I know, but you’re gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over. Joey: Yeah, all right. (Ross enters.) Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey—ooh so, how was Vermont? Ross: Emily is…incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach! Rachel: Oh, hey! Ross: Hey! You were so right! Rachel: What? Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other. Rachel: Oh, hmm. Ross: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn’t quite there. Y’know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy… Rachel: Joshua. Ross: Joshua…guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda…y’know. Rachel: Yeah, I… Ross: But now! I’m there! I’m totally there! I’m-I’m finally where you are! Rachel: Oh, thank goodness! Ross: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily. Rachel: Oh, no problem. I’m so glad I could help. Happy for you. (She playfully punches him.) Ross: Happy for you. (He punches her back.) Rachel: No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, it’s a dream sequence, this isn’t cable.] Chandler: All right ladies, here’s what we’re gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler’s the king! Chandler’s the king!" Phoebe: I-I wanna be with her, (points to the stripper next to her) I like her. Chandler: Oh, that’s fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts. Monica: Wait, now, what am I doing again? Chandler: Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment! The Cigarette Guy: Hi, I’m Joshua, I’m here to pick up Rachel. Rachel: No-no-no, that’ not Joshua. Chandler: What do you want from me, I’ve never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I’m sorry you can’t stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandler’s back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, I’ve got to wake up! END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x14 - The One With Joey\u2019s Dirty Day"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun Story by: Andrew Reich and Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is getting a petticure.] Chandler: You said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here! Rachel: Chandler, there’s a guy right over there. (Points to the counter) Chandler: That’s a mailman! That’s our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya? Rachel: Chandler, don’t worry! This doesn’t make you less of a guy! (Chandler starts blwing on his fingernails like women do.) That does! (Chandler stops blwing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off. Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that? Rachel: Hmm. Woman: OH…MY…GAWD!! (Yep, you guessed it. It’s Janice.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.] Monica: Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do? Joey: Ohh, Nothing. Monica: Didn’t it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did? Joey: I know what it did! Nothing. Monica: They wouldn’t have put it there if it didn’t do something! How can you not care? Joey: Like this. (Shrugs) Rachel: Well, here’s another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does? Joey: Sure! It flushes it. Rachel: Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it? Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello! Joey: Hey! (Sees Janice.) Ah!! (Janice screams in surprise.) Rachel: Guess who we ran into today?! Monica: Janice?! Chandler: Isn’t this amazing? Monica: How have you been? Janice: Oh well, I’m divorced. Phoebe: Ohhh, wow. Janice: Yeah, I’m riding the alimony pony. (Does the now famous laugh.) Joey: And there it is. Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! (to Chandler) And you, sweetie, I’ll see you tonight. Chandler: Okay. Bye. Janice: Bye. Chandler: Bye. Janice: Bye. Chandler: Bye. Janice: Bye. Chandler: B-bye! Janice: Bye-bye. Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After it’s closed) I can’t stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.) Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her! Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality—Well, they’re all back! Y’know? And she’s picked up like nine new ones! Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There’s people here! Chandler: Don’t worry about it. I’m taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.) Rachel: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her. Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I don’t have to break up with her this time. We’re not involved! I’m going to do a pre-emptive strike! I’m going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.) Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around and then back at Joey.) I’m tellin’ ya! [Scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking home from a date.] Emily: I can’t believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York. Ross: No, it’s really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly safe. (At that moment two very large men start screaming and running towards Emily and picking her up.) Ross: Help! Help!! Help! Help!! Emily: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. (Introducing them) Liam, Devon, this is Ross. Devon: Hey, mate. Liam: How are ya man? Ross: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? (Imitating himself) Help! Help! Emily: So how are you? I’ve been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, I’ve been rather busy. Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen each other since the night of that U2 concert? Emily: Oh my God. I think you’re right. Liam: (puts his arm around her) Well, actually the last time you and I saw each other was that morning. Emily: Oh, Liam. (Ross laughs and takes her back.) Ross: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something—or should I call it (In an English accent) football? Devon: We were playing rugby. Liam: In fact we’re playing a game at the park tomorrow. You’re welcome to play too if you want. Emily: (laughs) Ross play rugby? I don’t think so. Ross: What’s ah, what’s so funny about that? Emily: Well I mean, you’re American to start with. You don’t even have rugby here. Ross: Well, we didn’t have freedom here until 1776, either so… Devon: So good then! We’ll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers! Liam: Cheers! Ross: Cheers! (Liam and Devon both take a swig of their beers, while Ross takes a swig of his coffee. The Brits both crush their cans, and not to be out done, Ross crushes his coffee cup, spilling its contents.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.] Janice: Oh boy, I just love to sing! Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River. Janice: Oh, look at us! Who would’ve thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails. (Does the laugh) Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. I’m just getting out of a very serious relationship… Janice: I know! And I’m just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be! Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon. Janice: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time. Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas! Janice: Oh no! Where to? (Gasps) Too Paris? Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris. Janice:Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona? Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. That’s right, yes, I’m being transferred to Yemen! Janice: When? Chandler: I don’t know exactly. Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes. Chandler: But I do know that it’s some time tomorrow. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a bunch of electronics.] Monica: Done? Phoebe: Yep! Rachel: (entering, with Joey) Hey! Joey: Hey! What’s up? Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don’t work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is. Joey: (to Rachel) I bet I stopped listening before you did. Rachel: Y’know, you-you also could’ve used uh, lamps and then followed the light. Monica: Yeah, well, I’m using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. (She flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I hear something! I hear something! Where is it? (They all start looking until Rachel realises it’s Joey.) Rachel: It’s coming from Joey! Phoebe: Oh my God, that’s so freaky! Turn him off!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining. Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. I’m watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I don’t know what the big deal is. I’m man enough to play this sport. Joey: Dude, you’re not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport. Janice: (entering) Hey there Ross! Ross: (shocked) Hey! Phoebe: (whispering to Ross) Janice. Chandler: Y’know uh, you didn’t really have to help me pack. Janice: Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didn’t really leave me much choice. Did you? Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not! Joey: Hey-hey, what’s going on? Chandler: Oh, I’m packing. Y’know I’m-I’m packing ‘cause I’m moving to Yemen tomorrow. Joey: Thanks for telling me! (Janice runs into the bedroom.) Chandler: I’m only going to pretend I’m moving to Yemen, it’s the only way I can get rid off her. Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country. Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler! Come on, I’m gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. It’s a real space saver. Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I do that ‘cause it makes me look taller. Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on! Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me! Joey: Nope. (To Ross) Man look at this! Ross, I can’t believe you said you’d play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is! Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right? Rachel: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad. Ross: That’s ‘cause-‘cause you’re mom’s dog kept-kept looking at me. Joey: (pointing to the TV) Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. That’s called a scrum, okay? It’s kinda like a huddle. Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle? Joey: Ross! (Laughs) They’re gonna kll you! Phoebe: Well, why are you doing this anyway? Ross: Well, you should’ve seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he’s like Joe Rugby. Phoebe: You’re kidding! And he plays rugby?! That’s so funny. (Realises) Ohh! I see how you did that. All right. Ross: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So I’m gonna show her how tough I really am! Rachel: (starts laughing, Ross stares at her) I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re right, you are a tough guy. You’re the toughest palaeontologist I know. Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! It’s not like he’s…Chandler! Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks! Ross: Look, don’t worry about me. Okay? I’ll just stay real energetic and stay away from the ball. I’ll uh, I’ll be that guy right out of the circle. (He points to a player who starts running and then gets viscously tackled from behind.) All: Oh! Rachel: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin’ at him. (Ross turns and wants to attck Rachel, but Joey stops him.) COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came to support Ross.] Joey: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy (Points), and that guy (Points). And that one—Dude! They’re all huge! Ross: They don’t look any bigger than me! Joey: Well, maybe that’s because you’re closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are. Emily: I’m just going to say hi to the lads. All right? Ross: All right. Emily: Okay. (Goes to say hi to the lads.) (A player comes over and picks up a ball in front of Phoebe.) Phoebe: (to the player) Hi. (The player stands up and smiles. Showing that he has no front teeth.) Phoebe: Whoa! (The player leaves and to Joey) I kinda liked it. (The referee blows the whistle and the players gather to start the game.) Ross: Okay, I know what I have to do. I’ve got to go Red Ross. (Joey and Phoebe don’t know what he’s talking about.) Y’know, Red Ross! Joey: I totally don’t know what you’re talking about. Ross: Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!! Joey: No. Ross: You’ll see. [Cut to Emily, Devon, and Liam] Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, it’s his first time. Liam: You don’t say! (We see Ross who is hopping about with the ball and spikes it in his face.) Emily: (to Ross) Good luck, babe. (The scrum forms and the game is underway.) Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! (Ross gets pumped up.) Ross! Come on! (Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit looking for a way to get into the scrum.) Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in! (Ross, urged on by his team-mates, jumps on top of the scrum and falls headfirst into the middle, leaving his feet sticking straight up.) Ross: JOEY!!!!!! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is going over some plans as Rachel enters.] Rachel: You…are…not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened? Monica: He asked you out?! Rachel: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse. Monica: Saucy! Rachel: (refers to the table) What are these? Monica: Electrical plans for the building. Rachel: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared? Monica: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours. Rachel: Wow! If only more people knew. [Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.] Chandler: Y’know you, really didn’t have to take me to the airport. Janice: Oh please. Every moment is precious. Y’know? Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don’t really seem to care too much that you’re leaving. Chandler: Well, we’re really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then. Janice: On no! No! It’s not good-bye, I’m not leaving until you get on that plane. Chandler: Okay. Then I guess it’s just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen. Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen? Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket. Ticket Counter Attendant: I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand. Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with? Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling with a child? Chandler: No. All right, y’know what, she’s (Points to Janice) gonna think that I’m handing you a credit card, but what I’m really gonna do is hand you a library card. Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we don’t take library cards. Janice: What’s the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay? Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express? [Scene: The rugby game, Ross is getting klled.] Emily: I can’t believe they’re doing that to him! I told them to go easy on him! Phoebe: No offence but, y’know sometimes it’s hard to understand you, y’know with the accent, so… (The whistle blows.) Emily: That’s just halftime, there’s more of this. (Ross limps over all covered in mud.) Ross: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game! Emily: Right. Ross: (to Emily) Hey, could you do me a favour? Could you just grab me a bottle of water? Emily: Okay. Ross: Thanks. (When she’s gone he collapses into Joey.) I-I think I’m dying. I really do. Phoebe: Oh, poor baby. Ross: (to Phoebe) Tell my son that I love him. (Emily returns with the water.) Excellent! Well, okay, I gotta have some more fun! Emily: Ross, they are klling you out there! Ross: (whines "No.") That’s not true! Phoebe: She’s right! You have to stop! Ross: What? No! No, I’m not stopping. I’m Red Ross! Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, you’re gonna be dad Ross! Ross: I don’t care! I am not quitting! I insist on finishing this game! Emily: All right, all right, if you insist on doing this, at least let me help you. Ross: No, God no! That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything. Emily: No. That’s not what I’m saying. I just may know a few things that might help you inflict some pain. Ross: I like that. Emily: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a weak ankle. Ross: Huh? Emily: One swift kick and he’ll back off. Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it! Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesn’t wear a cup. Ross: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup, okay! Okay! Emily: And uh, Liam, Liam’s got bad knees. You ht him right and he’ll go down like a lamp. Ross: But-but, Liam’s on my team. Emily: I don’t care! You just get him! Ross: I’m gonna go get him! Okay, I am going back in! (Squeals like a madman.) Joey: The Red Ross! Okay. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.] Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hi! Rachel: (noticing a bunch of pictures around the door that weren’t there originally.) What-what are-what are these? Monica: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they’d brighten up the place. They do don’t you think? (Rachel rips one of the wall and finds a huge hole underneath.) Monica: No-no-no, no! (Rachel rips off another one, revealing another hole. Rachel then moves onto a third one, but this one doesn’t have a hole underneath it.) Monica: I know that there’s no hole there, I just really liked that picture. (Rachel looks at it and then throws it away. She then removes a fourth one, revealing a third hole.) Rachel: Oh my God! Look at this! Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something! Rachel: I don’t care! The wires have come loose in your head! Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did. Rachel: And did you?! Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs. (Rachel removes a paper on the floor which is covering a hole and gasps.) Monica: But it didn’t. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus. Rachel: Oh my God. Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling. Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus. [Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.] Phoebe: Now, are you sure you don’t want to go see a doctor? Ross: Oh no! That-that’ll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Y’know what? I’m buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, it’s in my pocket. Joey: Yeah, sure. Ross: No, not you. (Emily gets it.) Joey: Uhh, look, your eye’s still popping out a little, I’m gonna go get some ice. Phoebe: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice! (They go and get the coffee and the ice leaving Ross and Emily alone.) Emily: You were amazing out there. Ross: Oh, I kinda was, wasn’t I? Emily: Oh my God! Ross: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven’t done that since I was four and I washed my dad’s Porsche with rocks. Emily: You really enjoyed yourself didn’t you? Ross: Please! Are you kidding? I-I hurt three huge men, I gave a guy a bloody nose—I mean I-I’m not proud of it but, I really am. And it’s all because of you, wonderful, amazing you. Emily: I think you’ve got concussion. Ross: No, no, I’m serious. Thank you. Emily: You’re welcome. (She hugs him tightly and he winces.) I’m sorry. Did I hurt you? Ross: It’s worth the pain. (She goes to hug him again.) Y’know what, you know what? It’s not. [Scene: The airport, the flight to Yemen is being called.] Ticket Counter Attendant: (on the P.A.) This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen. Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go. Janice: Oh, my Bing-a-ling. I’ll wait for you. Do you even know how long you’re going to be gone? Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel. Janice: Oh. Well, I’ll right you everyday. (Reading the address) 15 Yemen Road, Yemen. Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye. (He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the window. Chandler walks back into the terminal and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees him.) Janice: Chandler? Chandler: No! Janice: Chandler! Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane! Janice: No! No! I wanna see you take-off. Chandler: Well, I then guess I’m going to Yemen! I’m going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you? CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.] Monica: All right. The super couldn’t figure out what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldn’t figure out what it did. I’ve had seven pretty serious shocks. I officially give up. Rachel: Thank God. Monica: I guess Joey was right, it does nothing. [Cut to Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.] Phoebe: See? I’m doing it. I am totally doing it. (Suddenly it stops working.) I lost it. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x15 - The One With All The Rugby"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri Story by Alicia Sky Varinaitis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is stressing out about something.] Monica: What is it hon? Phoebe: I-I can’t find anything that I want to eat! Everything I eat makes me nauseous! I’m telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake—ooh! Cake! (Chandler shrugs, and Phoebe grimaces.) No. Monica: Aww, honey I’m sorry. Phoebe: God! Ooh! What is that smell? It’s coming from the bathroom. Ooh! (She goes to the bathroom.) Chandler: Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings. [Cut to the bathroom, Joey is taking a shower and Phoebe knocks on the door.] Joey: Yeah? Phoebe: It’s me. It’s Phoebe. Listen there’s something in here I want to eat, what-what smells so good? (Joey sticks his head out of the shower curtain.) Joey: Is it the shampoo? It’s guava. Phoebe: (she smells his head) No! Joey: Oh! Wait-wait! (Reaches inside the shower.) Is it my bologna sandwich? Phoebe: Yes. Yes. Yes. I can’t believe it! The baby wants bologna! Maybe he wants me to eat meat? I can’t eat meat! Joey: Oh, wait-wait! (Reaches into the shower again.) Maybe it’s a pickle?! (Phoebe grimaces at the smell.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are there. Rachel is writing something on a pad, and then crumples it up and throws it on the floor.] Chandler: What are you writing? Rachel: Well, Joshua’s coming in tomorrow and since I don’t have the guts to ask him out, I’m going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket. Chandler: Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out of style—what did you throw away? (Ross and Emily enter.) Chandler: Hi guys! All: Hey! Joey: Hey, what have you guys been up too? Ross: Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs and the Cupert-Hewitt museum. Chandler: Without me?! Emily: My uncle dragged us there. But, it actually it turned out to be really interesting. Ross: Yeah. Emily: They were so ornate and beautiful, I mean look at that! (Shows them a doorknob she has.) Monica: I don’t know how museums work in England but, here, you’re not supposed to take stuff. Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. (Chandler is shocked.) It’s a joke. (They all laugh.) Ross: Bye. (They kiss.) Emily: Right, I’ve got to be off, I’ll see ya. Buh-bye then. (She leaves.) Joey: Wow! You guys seem to be having a good time. Ross: Oh yeah, she’s-she’s amazing. And-and she’s so much fun. And! Y’know what? When I’m with her, I’m fun! I even signed up for helicopter classes. (Chandler is shocked.) She’s leaving in two days, I don’t have to do it. Monica: Oh no, two days, you must be bummed. Ross: Yeah, she’s got to go back to London. But you know what? I’ve been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and that’s it. Y’know. Joey: Hey that’s what all my relationships are like. Chandler: Yes, but in Ross’s case, they both know in two weeks that’s it. (Phoebe enters.) Ross: Pheebs! All: Hey! Ross: (starts rubbing her belly) Hello! Hello! Phoebe: (angered by the rubbing) Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So the baby is totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat, y’know? And I got nauseous. Chandler: Maybe that’s because soy-burgers suck! Phoebe: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy. Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow. Phoebe: That’s sweat. You throw up all morning, you’ll have that glow too. [Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is preparing to slip Joshua the note.] Joshua: (coming in from a changing room) Okay! Rachel: Oh, here’s that trench-coat that you wanted. Joshua: Oh great! (He tries on the coat.) Wow! Yeah, it’s comfortable. Rachel: Yeah? Joshua: Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing. (He goes to put his hands in his pockets.) Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they don’t want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store. Joshua: Why not?! Rachel: Well, that’s because of a lot of…(She imitates someone picking their nose and placing the treasure found in the pockets.) Joshua: Y’know, they ruin it for everybody. Rachel: I know! Joshua: Y’know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night. Rachel: Oh? Joshua: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce. Rachel: Well, congratulations, so do you love her? Joshua: No, no, no, she’s nice but, y’know, it just it made me realize that I’m just not, I’m just not ready to be dating, y’know? Rachel: Huh. Well, uh, that’s uh, that’s interesting. (She goes over and retrieves her note.) Joshua: (noticing her) Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that? Rachel: Oh, it’s just an anti-theft device. Joshua: Then uh, what’s-what’s this? (Shows her the real anti-theft device.) Rachel: You need that, you need that too ‘cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up. (Rips up the note.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is writing on the Magna-Doodle as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have a party tonight! Actually, we have to have one in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans. Chandler: What are you talking about? Joey: Yeah, what’ going on? Rachel: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it’s actually for Joshua. (Starts handing out party hats.) Look, he said he’s not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I have the perfect opportunity to seduce him! (Hands Ross a party hat.) Ross: Well, as much as I’d like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I aren’t going to be here. All right? I mean, she’s going to come by first to say good-bye, and then I’ve got a whole special evening planned. So I’m sorry, no party. Joey: Awwww! Emily: (entering) Hello? Rachel: Surprise!!! Chandler and Joey: Surprise!! Emily: No one’s ever thrown me a surprise party before! Rachel: Well, it was all Ross’s idea. Emily: You’re so sweet! And I’m so surprised! Ross: You really didn’t know? [Cut to later, the party is in full swing. Rachel is in the kitchen and Chandler goes over to talk to her.] Chandler: Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? (Points to the living room.) Rachel: Uhh, because I’m trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick he’s looking over here, say something funny. Chandler: Like what? (Rachel laughs hysterically.) Joey: What-what-what is so funny? Chandler: I said, "Like what?" Joey: Now that’s a thinker. Rachel: Okay, y’know what, y’know what? This playing hard to get thing is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. (Chandler does so.) Okay. Okay. (She does a little sexy walk over to where Joshua is standing.) Hi! Joshua: Hi! Rachel: Care for a cherry? Joshua: Oh, no thanks. Rachel: No? Y’know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue. (She tries to demonstrate this unique ability, but only succeeds in choking on it.) Joshua: You okay? (Rachel swallowed it whole and is not hacking like a heavy smoker in the morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks away, coughing.) Ross: (interrupting Monica and Emily) So we should probably get going soon. Emily: Oh, but the party’s only just getting started! Ross: Yeah, but we-we have to be at the Four Seasons for drinks in 15 minutes and then y’know, then The Plaza for dinner. Emily: So why did you plan a party at the same time? Ross: No-no-no, no, umm, actually American surprise parties are-are-are very short. It’s usually, "Surprise!" And then, "Oh my God, I’m so surprised—good-bye!" Emily: But Ross, I’m such having a great time! Your sister has just been telling me that you used to dress up like little, old ladies and hold make-believe tea parties. Ross: Monica said that did she? (He squeezes Monica’s knee really hardly and Monica winces in pain.) [Cut to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is watching Joey make a sandwich.] Phoebe: Ooh, yeah. Then what are you going to put on top of that? Joey: A little salami. Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami? Joey: Pastrami. Phoebe: Oooh, yeah. You’re a genius. (Rachel enters, she has changed clothes.) Rachel: Oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper? Joey: Yeah. (He goes over to her.) Rachel: Up! Monica: You changed? Rachel: Yeah, I did. I needed my lucky dress. Monica: And lucky means, more cleavage? Chandler: Does for me. (Joey starts wiping lint off of her back, but goes at little too far and Rachel just glares at him. He stops, gives her the ‘okay’ symbol and walks away.) Rachel: Ohh, God! Look at him, he’s so cute. I wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him? Joey: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off your bra. Rachel: What? Joey: There was a seen in Footloose... Chandler: Flashdance. Joey: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl… Chandler: She was a welder. Joey: What? Were you like in the movie, or… Anyway, she takes off her bra under her shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy. Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe. Rachel: It’s not Christmas! Monica: Or Spin the Bottle? Rachel: He’s not 11! Emily: (with her coat on, she’s leaving with Ross) Thank you so much for this. It was really so thoughtful of you. Rachel: What? You’re leaving?! Ross: Yes, we have something we have to get to. Joshua: Uhh, yeah, I think I’m going to take-off too. Rachel: No! You guys can’t leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the whole big thing planned! Ross: What big thing? [Cut to later, the whole group is seated on the floor and Rachel is explaining the rules of Spin the Bottle.] Rachel: (spinning the bottle) So, Spin the Bottle works like this: I spin the bottle, it lands on gn, so I would have to kiss gn. (She crawls over to where gn is sitting and sees the look of anticipation on gn’s face and decides not to kiss him.) All right. Who wants to go first? Emily: I’ll go. All: Yay! (Emily spins the bottle and it lands on Joey.) Joey: Welcome to America. (They both kiss.) (Joey spins the bottle and it lands on Emily.) Monica: Two in a row! You’ve got to use your tongues now! (They kiss again.) Rachel: Yay! Emily! (Emily spins the bottle and once again, it lands on Joey.) Chandler: What are the odds? What are the odds? (They both move to kiss again.) Ross: (stopping them) Okay, that-that’s enough! Y’know, let’s, let’s let someone else play. Joey: If you didn’t want to play, why did you come to the party? Rachel: Okay, my turn!! (Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on….wait for it….Joshua. (You thought I was going to say Ross, didn’t you?) Rachel squeals in delight and starts a slow sexy crawl over to Joshua, making sure he and everyone else watching gets a good look at her cleavage.) Phoebe: Oh my God!! The baby just kicked! All: Ohh! Rachel: It’s okay! It’s okay! It kicked once, it’ll kick again! All: Oh my God! (They all stand up and go over to Phoebe to feel the baby, preventing Rachel from kissing Joshua.) Rachel: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting. (She crawls over to Joshua and kisses the back of his knee. He feels it and looks down, Rachel pretends she’s knocking a bug off his leg.) Rachel: Just a bug. COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, it is later in the party. The Spin the Bottle game is over and Chandler is making a sandwich as Phoebe watches.] Phoebe: Y’know it doesn’t matter how much I’m craving it. Y’know why I’m never gonna eat meat? Because it’s mrder, cold blooded mrder. Chandler: Okay. (He takes a bite out of the sandwich and as he does so, Phoebe attcks the other end and starts devouring the sandwich.) Chandler: There’s a Phoebe on my sandwich! (He walks away, giving the sandwich to Phoebe.) Joey: Phoebe, what-what are you doing?! Phoebe: I can’t help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat. Joey: All right look, y’know how-y’know how when you’re dating someone and you don’t want to cheat on them, unless it’s with someone really hot? Phoebe: Yeah, totally! Joey: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If you’re going to do something wrong, (He grabs two steaks from the freezer) do it right! [Cut to later, Phoebe is finishing off her steak.] Joey: Feel better now? Phoebe: Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day, I’m gonna eat like, y’know millions of cows. Joey: Hey, what if I said, I could even things out for ya, meatwise. Phoebe: What? Joey: Well, I eat a lot of meat right? Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: Well, suppose until the baby’s born I laid off it. No extra animals would die, you-you’d just be eating my animals. Phoebe: Joey, I can’t believe you would do that for me. Joey: Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian. There’s no meat in beer, right? [Cut to Ross and Emily standing by the foosball table.] Ross: Okay, we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetisers and asked for our check right away. (Rachel enters, she has changed once again. This time into her high school cheerleading uniform.) Emily: But, we can’t go now. It looks like Rachel’s gonna put on a skit. Monica: Oh my God! Have you lost your mind? Rachel: No-n-n-n-no! I am finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress wasn’t working out to well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed. Monica: Rachel-Rachel-Rachel I-I cannot, I can’t let—(pause), actually I kinda want to see what happens. Joshua: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Joshua: Nice uh, costume. Rachel: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye cheer. So okay! (Runs into the living room) Ready! Okay! Gimme an ‘E!’ All: E! Rachel: Gimme an ‘M!’ All: M! Rachel: Gimme an ‘I!’ All: I! Rachel: Gimme an ‘L!’ All: L! Rachel: Gimme a ‘Y!’ All: Y! Rachel: What do you get? (She throws her pom-poms to Joey and Phoebe and performs a cartwheel.) Emily!! (Tries to do another one.) Emil—Whoa!! (She falls in Chandler’s room.) Okay! So that’s me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! (gn’s the only one that claps.) (Joey and Monica rush over to her.) Joey and Monica: Are you all right? Rachel: I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m just losing a tooth, it’s no big deal. I have a dentist! Y’know. I’m gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. (She goes over to the ice and Joey and Monica follow her.) What do I do now? What do I do now? Monica: I think you’re done. Joey: Okay, time to take off the bra. (She glares at him.) Joshua: Umm, that was really great, but I-I gotta take-off actually. Joey: (trying not to be obvious) Take the bra off. Rachel: All right, come on, let’s go get your coat. Joshua: Okay. (They both go to Chandler’s bedroom to get his coat.) [Cut to gn and Emily.] gn: Rachel is my girlfriend. [Cut to Chandler’s bedroom.] Joshua: So, this was uh, really fun. Rachel: Oh, yeah! Real fun. (She makes a decision.) Y’know, this bra… Really, bothers me. (She starts taking off her bra.) Y’know, this used to be my bedroom. Yeah. A lot of memories in here, a lot of memories. If these walls could talk, y’know what they’d say? Wanna hear some memories? (She is now violently pulling on her bra in order to remove it, but it isn’t co-operating.) Joshua: Need uh, need a little hand there. Rachel: Oh no-no-no! No, I got this all under control. Joshua: You really don’t seem like you do. That’s… (She is still yanking on the bra, but it is stuck in her sleeve. Finally, she gives up.) Rachel: Ughhhh!! Forget it! (Sits down heavily on the bed.) This is, this is not how this is supposed to happen. Joshua: Well, what was supposed to happen? Rachel: Can you not look at me when I say this? (He turns around) I thought that if I could get you here, I could seduce you. Joshua: Huh. Oh, boy! (Sits down next to her.) Uhh, I-I don’t wear suits to work, and I bought six of them from you. Rachel: Well, I’m sorry, I thought you needed them! Joshua: No, no-no, no-no, my point is that I kept coming back because, I wanted to see you. Rachel: Why?! Joshua: Because I-I like you. Rachel: You like me? Joshua: Yeah! I mean you’re-you’re beautiful and smart and sophisticated—a lot of this isn’t based on tonight. Rachel: Yeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my God, I can’t believe this, all this time, I liked you and you liked me! Joshua: But… Rachel: Oh no-no-no don’t say but! No-no, but’s never good! Let’s just leave it at, you like me and I like you. Joshua: Okay uh, however… Rachel: Oh, now see that’s a fancy but. Joshua: My marriage like just ended, and I’m really not ready to get into anything yet. Rachel: But…. Joshua: I’m sorry, I, I just need a little time. Rachel: Okay. [Scene: The hallway, Ross is sitting on the step drinking a beer as Rachel comes out of the guys apartment.] Rachel: Ohh, here you are. I was looking for you before. Joshua’s gone so you and Emily are free to go. Ross: That’s okay. She’s still in there enjoying her fake party and uh, it’s too late to do any of the things I had planned, so… Rachel: Oh, Ross, I’m sorry. I completely ruined your evening. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I made a fool out of myself. Ross: Helps a little. Rachel: Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser? Ross: Yeah, have a seat. Rachel: I’m so sorry. Ross: That’s okay, I mean it was just two-week thing anyway, I just didn’t want it to end this way, y’know? Rachel: Well, maybe you didn’t want it to end? Ross: What do you mean? Rachel: You seem to really like her. Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment. Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks. Ross: You think? Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip. Ross: Hey, you’re right. Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Thanks. (He starts to go inside and stops.) What photo album was it? Rachel: I don’t know, it was you and a bunch of albino kids. Ross: Oh my God! Those weren’t albino kids, that was computer camp! Rach! (He hurries inside and Chandler is taking out the garbage.) Rachel: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Rachel: You’re a pathetic loser, right? Chandler: Oh-ho, yeah! Rachel: Sit! (He does so, and immediately starts looking pathetic.) Joshua: Hi. (He has just returned.) Rachel: Oh my gosh, Joshua! Joshua: All those things I said about not being ready… Rachel: They’re not true? Joshua: No, they’re-they’re all true. Rachel: Oh. Joshua: But… Rachel: Oh! Oh, I love that but. (They move to kiss, but realise that Chandler is staring at them. Chandler urges them on.) Rachel: You wanna go inside and have some coffee? Joshua: Yeah. Rachel: Okay. (Joshua goes inside and to Chandler.) Every time. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next day. Phoebe is busy making a sandwich.] Joey: Oooh, what you got there? Phoebe: Pastrami. Joey: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey! Y’know what goes good with that? Joey: Hm-mm, corn beef. Joey: Ooh, I was gonna say bologna, but that’s much better. How about a little of that smoked turkey? Phoebe: Okay. Joey: (He starts looking longingly at the sandwich.) Oh mama! Uh when-when is the baby due? Phoebe: Six months. Joey: Ugh. Now if a cow should die of natural causes, I can have one of those right? Phoebe: Not if I get there first. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x16 - The One With The Fake Party"}	foreverdreaming
Story by Mark J. Kunerth Teleplay by Richard Goodman Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom.] Mr. Treeger: Ohhh, man!! Joey: (coming in from his bedroom) What is that? Chandler: Treeger’s snaking the shower drain. Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell? Joey: Maybe he found you flip-flop. (Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we see two people making out.) Chandler: Hey! Joey: Whoa! Is this prn? What did I do? I must’ve ht something on the remote. Chandler: Do we pay for this? Joey: No, we didn’t even pay our cable bill—maybe this is how they punish us. Chandler: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our phone bill—free phone sex. Joey: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our gas bill? (Stops and thinks about what he just said.) Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that lady’s all kinds of naked. Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on! Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money. Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it! Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I’m sad. (Exits.) Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The prn is still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast at the foosball table.] Rachel: All right, y’know what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.) Joey and Chandler: (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no! Chandler: We don’t know what could make this go away. Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV! Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV! Joey: Imagine a protective prn bubble if you will, okay? Monica: Well at least, I’m going to mute it. Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind them) Chandler: We still have prn. Joey: Hey. Phoebe: (entering, carrying her massage table) Hi! Monica: Hi! Rachel: Honey, what are you doing? That’s too heavy. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: Give it here. (She takes the table.) Oh, God. (And gives it to Monica right away.) Monica: Okay. Phoebe: Ohh, I’m getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Y’know, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She goes over and stands in front of the TV.) Chandler: Or a job where you don’t have to carry a table. Phoebe: You mean like a doctor? Joey: Pheebs! You’re blocking the prn! Look out! Phoebe: Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN today. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.] Ross: Hi. Monica: Hi. Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport. Monica: Oh. Why didn’t you take her? Ross: Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. And y’know, we-we said our good-byes this morning, so… Monica: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free prn! Ross: (Thinks about it.) Nah. Monica: Hey, cheer up! You’re gonna see her again, right? Ross: Well I, that’s the thing, I don’t know! I mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said, (In a British accent.) "This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Let’s just enjoy…" Monica: (interrupting him) No-no-no, don’t-don’t do the accent. You’ve got to see her again. Ross: And why do you care so much? Monica: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy! Ross: You had fantasies about Emily? Monica: No! Y’know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together. Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid? Monica: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything! Ross: Ahh. Monica: Do you love her? Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks, y’know? Monica: You love her! Ross: What-what is love really? Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You’re probably just gonna catch her just as she’s about to go to the gate. You’re gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And she’s gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud. Ross: I am a good kisser. Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in… (Ross looks at her.) I’ve been watching too much prn. [Scene: Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at her OB-GYN doing an ultrasound, Rachel is with her. We here the baby’s heartbeat.] Rachel: Is that the heartbeat? The Doctor: That’s it. Phoebe: Oh my God! Rachel: Oh wow! This is so cool. (The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different one.) The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births? Phoebe: Why don’t take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I’ll hold onto your card, okay? The Doctor: No, I’m getting three separate heartbeats. Phoebe: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn’t even have one! The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time. Phoebe: Well, yeah. Rachel: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?! The Doctor: Definitely. (Points out each head on the ultrasound.) Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I’m going to have three full grown babies just walkin’ around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it’s gonna be one of those log rides where they just come sh*ting out! The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn’t that different from giving birth to one. Phoebe: What do you know?! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to tell Frank and Alice the news.] Alice: (entering) Oh-oh, Phoebe! Phoebe: Ooh! Hi! Alice: Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebe’s stomach.) So, how did it go at the doctors? Phoebe: Oh well, okay, hey, y’know how when you’re umm, you’re walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, that’s nice?" Frank: Yes. Phoebe: Okay, yeah well, good news, you’re going to have three babies. Alice: Three babies? Frank: I finally got my band! Alice: We’re gonna have a big family, I’ve always wanted a big family! Phoebe: Oh God, I’m so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all freaked. Frank: Why would we be freaked? Phoebe: No, no maybe ‘cause it’s harder to raise them, and the added expense, and… Frank: (They’re less than happy now) Oh. Alice: Right. Phoebe: No, back to happy. Back to happy! Alice: No-no-no, no, it’s going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y’know it’ll-it’ll be like my very own little sweatshop. Frank: Yeah, I’ve been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job. Alice: No, Frank. Phoebe: No you can’t quit college! No! You’re in college? Really? Frank: Yeah, refrigerator college. Alice: Yeah. Frank: Yeah, y’know when we found out we were going to have a baby, y’know I figured y’know like I should y’know have like a career—and I love refrigerators! Phoebe: You can’t give up on your dream. Frank: No, it’s okay. We’re-we’re gonna have three kids! And that’s-that’s a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money. [Scene: The airport, Emily is getting ready to board her flight to London.] Ticket Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the boarding call for Flight 009. Ross: Emily! (Runs up.) Emily: Oh my God! What are you doing here? (They hug) Ross: I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off. Emily: You are so sweet. (They kiss.) Ross: That’s, that’s, that’s a big candy bar. (She’s holding one of those huge Toblerone bars.) I had the most amazing time with you. Emily: Me too. Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for Flight 009. Emily: Well, that’ me. (They kiss again.) Here, have this. (She gives him the candy bar.) I’m only allowed one piece of carryon anyway. (She starts towards the jetway.) Ross: (stops her) Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm, I’ve been thinking, I’m just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I think I love you. Emily: Oh. (She’s shocked and hugs him.) Thank you. (She boards the plane.) Ross: That’s no problem. COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of song.] Rachel: What’s that song? It has been in my head all day long. Chandler: It’s the theme from Good Will Humping. Rachel: Y’know who doesn’t even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua. Joey: Yeah right. Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination. Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy? Rachel: Yes! Joey: Yeah, he likes prn. (Rachel starts to leave.) Monica: Where ya going? Rachel: I’m going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. (As she exits, Phoebe enters.) Hey, Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Hey! Monica: How did it go with Frank and Alice? Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I want to talk to you (Points to Chandler) about, ‘cause you work for a big company. Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me. Chandler: They don’t really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though. (Ross enters.) Monica: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her? Ross: I did. Monica: And well, what did she say? Ross: Thank you. Monica: Oh, you’re totally welcome! What’d she say? Ross: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you." Chandler: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her? Joey: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?! Ross: What do I do now? Joey: You play hard to get. Ross: She already lives in London. Joey: Then you go to Tokyo. Chandler: All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her, it’s over. Monica: It is not over! You’re over! Chandler: What? Monica: You know! Chandler: Okay. (Pause) Good one. Monica: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldn’t, is because her feelings were so strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.) Ross: Okay! Okay! But if she doesn’t call, it is definitely over! No, wait. Wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, y’know just to she what’s going on, and, and she says she’ll call me back, but then she doesn’t. Then it’s over. (Joey holds his fist up, and Chandler gives him two thumbs up.) Joey: Way to be strong, man! (Ross leaves, and after the door closes, Joey gives him the loser sign.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Joey enter having just woken up.] Rachel: Hey! Chandler: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a prn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again. Rachel: Well, so, why don’t you just turn it off? Chandler: Because then we would be the guys who turned off free prn. Phoebe: (entering carrying a case) Ooh, good, you’re hear! Okay. Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: Well, what-what ‘cha got there? Phoebe: Oh this, well I’m glad you asked. (She opens the case and removes a Knfe and an soda can.) Now, don’t you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak Knfe? (She efficiently cuts it in half.) Ahh! Now, I know what you’re thinking… Chandler: Pregnant Woman Slays Four? Monica: Phoebe, they didn’t make you pay for those knives, did they? Phoebe: No! Monica: Are you sure? Phoebe: No! Rachel: Honey, you’re not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives. Phoebe: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan. Chandler: What’s the second part of your plan? Phoebe: My Saturn dealership. [Scene: Ross’s bedroom, he has fallen asleep waiting for Emily to call. He is awaken by the phone.] Ross: (Answers the phone.) Hello? Emily: Ross. Ross: Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight? Emily: It was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those wonderful things. Ross: No, no, that-that, that’s all right. Umm, I’m just glad you called. Emily: Ross umm, there’s something that I’ve got to tell you, there’s-there’s someone else. Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent conversation with Emily to the gng.] Ross: She doesn’t know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy. Monica: This isn’t how it’s supposed to go, there can’t be another guy. Ross: Well… Monica: Of course there’s another guy!! This is even more perfect! Now you have to prove your love! Ross: I’m not proving anything. Okay, I’m done listening to you. If I hadn’t let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never would’ve put my fist through the wall! Chandler: You put your fist through the wall? Ross: No, I missed and ht the door. But, it opened really hard! Monica: You have to go to London! Ross: What? Monica: Yeah, you have to go fight for her! Joey: Oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah. ‘Cause you already told her you love her and she didn’t say it back, then she called you and told you that there’s another guy, so yeah, go to London that’ll scare her! Monica: When Rachel was with Paulo, what did you do? Ross: I made fun of his accent. Monica: You sat back and let him have her, you didn’t fight at all. Am I right? Do you want the same thing to happen with Emily? Ross: No. Monica: All right then, go fight for her! Go to London! I mean, that could be you and Emily! (Points to the TV.) That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London! Ross: Really? Monica: Come on! Surprise her! Show up at her doorstep! Don’t let her go without a fight! Ross: All right. All right, I’m gonna do it! Monica: All right. Ross: I’m gonna, I’m gonna go to London and I’m going to fight for her. Monica: Okay, good luck! (Ross starts to leave.) Joey: Ross! Ross! If you’re going to the airport, could you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars? (Chandler nods his head no.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are sitting and talking as Phoebe and Rachel enter.] Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I’m gonna open up my own massage place and Frank’s gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesn’t have to quit school! Monica: That’s sounds great, but how are you going to afford it? Rachel: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised… Phoebe: I’m telling it! I’m telling it! Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what I’ve got? Chandler: A place where no one will ever get out alive? Phoebe: No! Think about it, it’s a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it’s… Rachel: (interrupting) Relaxi-Taxi! Phoebe: The name was my favourite part! Rachel: Well, well I can up with it! Phoebe: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That’s not good. Rachel: Well, I… (The phone rings and Monica answers it.) Monica: Hello. Ross: (on phone) Hey. Monica: Oh my God! Ross, are you in England? Was Emily surprised? [Cut to Ross in one of those British phone booths.] Ross: No, because she hasn’t come home yet. And she hasn’t been home all night! She’s obviously staying with that other guy, and I’m the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment! Monica: All right. When is, when is the next flight out? Ross: About four hours. Monica: Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn’t show up by then, then just come on home. Phoebe: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that’s better than Relaxi Cab. Rachel: Okay, it’s not Relaxi Cab. It’s Relaxicab, like taxicab. Phoebe: Oh, that is better. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same night. There is a knock on the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily standing behind it.] Chandler: Are we in London? Monica: What are you doing here? You can’t be here! Emily: I’ve uh, I’ve come to talk to Ross. (She sets her bag down on the foosball table and Joey sees the Toblerone bar sticking out of it and gazes longingly at it.) Emily: What? Joey: (pause) Nothing. No, nothing. Emily: I was going to call him, but… Monica: Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I was right! (Points to Emily) I’m right, right? Emily: I’d really rather talk to him. Monica: Oh. Emily: I uh, I’ve been to his apartment and he wasn’t there, and uh. I need to talk to him, so do you have any idea where he is? [Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside Emily’s apartment. We hear Emily’s phone ring with amazing clarity. Apparently, sound travels quite easily through the walls of British buildings. Anyhoo, Ross looks around for the ringing phone and in the meantime Emily’s answering machine picks up and once again with amazing clarity we hear Emily say…] Emily: Ross, are you there? Ross, I don’t know if you can hear this but… (Ross has moved to the window, apparently so that he can hear better.) I’m gonna talk anyway, uh, I’m in the States with you sister and your friends and it’s all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you—Yes, Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you that I love you. Ross: (yelling, thinking Emily can hear him through the answering machine all the way to New York.) I love you too! I’m, I’m gonna call you right now from the phone booth! (Realises) You can’t hear me. (Goes to make his call.) Emily: I wish I could know if you’d heard any of that. I suppose I’ve either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if you’re listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose there’s not much chance you did heard that, and there’s the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello. Ross: Hi. Emily: Ross, I love you! Ross: Ohh! Thank you. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the prn as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey. Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn’t ask me to go do it with her in the vault. Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves! Chandler: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?" Joey: Noo! Nothing! Chandler: Y’know what, we have to turn off the prn. Joey: I think you’re right. (Goes over and picks up the remote.) Chandler: All right, ready? Joey: One. Chandler: Two. Both: Three. (Chandler turns off the prn and sets the remote down.) Joey: That’s kinda nice. Chandler: Yeah, that’s kinda a relief. Joey: Yeah. (Pause.) Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it? Joey: Yeah. (Chandler turns on the TV and…) Chandler: FREE prn!!! Joey: Yeah!! Chandler: We have free p*rn here!!! END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x17 - The One With The Free p*rn"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin Story by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters carrying a drum.] Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum. Phoebe: (not amused) Ha-ha. (She sits down on the couch.) No, it’s just I’m so pregnant that I—my guitar doesn’t fit anymore. So I thought ‘til I’m not, I’m just gonna play all my songs on this drum. It sounds really cool! Chandler: All right. Phoebe: Listen. Listen. (She starts to play and sing.) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Joey: Wow, Pheebs! That sounds great! Phoebe: I know! I know, and I’ve only been playing for like an hour! Alice: (entering) Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi! Phoebe: Hey! What are you doing here? Alice: Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favour. Phoebe: Oh, well, don’t tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus. Alice: (laughs) No. No. No. (Sits down.) Okay, now, see, I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank JR. JR. Chandler: Wouldn’t that be Frank the III? Alice: Don’t get me started. (To Phoebe) Anyway, umm, since there are three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honoured if you named the other boy baby. Phoebe: Wow! That’s so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar. Alice: You think about it. (Leaves) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Ross’s apartment, he and Emily are getting ready to go to the airport.] Emily: I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you don’t think your son will think it’s yours and be horribly traumatised? Ross: Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra. Emily: (checks the clock) Ohh, it’s time to go. Ross: Oh, no-no-no, see, that-that clock’s a little fast, uh, we have 17 minutes. Huh, what can we do in 17 minutes? Twice? Emily: Well that’s ambitious. (They kiss but are interrupted by a knock on the door.) Ross: Hey, uh, you can ignore that. Emily: That’s Carol with your son! Ross: Uhh, believe me when he’s older, he’ll understand. Carol: (knocking on the door) Ross! Ross: I’ll be right there. (He goes over and opens the door to Carol, Susan, and Ben.) (To Ben.) Hello! (To Carol.) Hello! (To Susan.) Hey. Uhh, Emily, this is Carol and Susan. Susan: Hey, it’s so nice to finally meet you! Emily: Me too! Carol: Ohh, y’know, Susan’s gonna be sh*ting a commercial in London next week. Susan: Oh yeah, I’m so excited, I’ve never been there. Emily: Oh, well, I’ll show you around. Susan: That would be great! Also, uh, I was hoping to catch a show so if you can make any suggestions… Emily: Oh, there’s tonnes of terrific stuff—I’ll go with you! Susan: Ahh! (Ross accidentally, on purpose, bumps into Susan.) Ross: Look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so… Emily: Are you all right? Susan: Oh, he’s fine. He’s fine. It’s just that us getting along is difficult for him, because he doesn’t like me. Ross: Oh come on! That’s-that’s… true. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hi! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Do we have a baby name yet? Phoebe: Ugh! No! This is so hard! I went through this whole book (Holds up a book) and found nothing! I want a name that’s really like, y’know strong and confident, y’know? Like-like Exxon. Chandler: Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid. Joey: Ooh-ooh, Pheebs, you want a strong name? How about, The Hulk? Phoebe: No, I’m-I’m not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name starting with "The." Joey: Oh, want a good name, go with Joey. Joey’s your pal. Joey’s your buddy. "Where is everybody?" "Well, they’re hanging out with Joey." Chandler: Hey, y’know what, if you’re gonna do that, if you’re gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesn’t think so.) Oh, come on! Chandler’s funny, sophisticated, and he’s very loveable, once you get to know him. Joey: Oh well, hey, Joey’s loveable too! But the thing about Joey is, if you need him, he’ll be there. Chandler: Well, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he’ll be there. And he’ll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you’re really hot. Joey: What do ya say? What do ya say? Phoebe: Well, I, I like the idea of naming him after someone I love, and Joey and Chandler are great names. (They both stare at her.) But, all right, I don’t—maybe I’ll just name him The Hulk. Joey: I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it! That’s what I wanted to name my kid! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking and Rachel is getting ready for a date with Joshua.] Rachel: Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua the first time tonight, which one of these would you want to be wearing. (She’s holding two frilly, lace nighties.) Monica: Y’know what? It really creeps me out choosing other people’s sex clothes. Rachel: Sorry. I’m so exited! I’ve been waiting for this for months! I got my hair coloured! I got new sheets! I’m making him a very fancy meal. Monica: Um-hmm. Rachel: What am I making him by the way? Monica: Well, you’re making him a frieze salad with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild nuts, wild rice, roast asparagus, and salmon au croup. Rachel: I thought I was making him filet mignon? Monica: Yeah, you were, but you decided to make salmon because you had some left over at the restaurant. And then you realised if you (Points at Rachel) bitched about it, then you (Points to herself) would stop cooking, and you (Points at Rachel) would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke. Rachel: Wow, I really get crabby when I cook. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: So uh, Emily called last night… Chandler: And now you’re giving me the message! Ross: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, they’re going to the theatre together! They’re going to dinner! They’re going horseback riding! Phoebe: God, Susan is so fun! Ross: Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay? For like, for like six months before Carol and I spilt up, all I heard was: "My friend Susan is so smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great." Chandler: You actually think that something can happen between Emily and Susan? Ross: Hey, they’re going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching! Y’know they-they take a steam together! Things get a little playful—didn’t you see Personal Best? Joey: No, but I’m gonna! Chandler: Hi! Hi! You’re crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight. Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her! Phoebe: Yeah, I definitely. I don’t like the name Ross. Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I’m down. Phoebe: No! No! I-I meant for the baby! Ross: Oh. What’s wrong with Ross? Phoebe: Well, it’s just y’know that something like this would never to like The Hulk, y’know… Ross: Actually that-that’s not true, in The Incredible Hulk uh, No. 72, Dr. Bruce Banner found… (Sees everyone staring at him and stops.) Y’know, ugh, nevermind, my girlfriend’s a lesbian. (Leaves.) Phoebe: So, I decided I’m definitely going to go with either Joey or Chandler. Joey: Oh! Oh-oh, you gotta pick Joey! I mean, name one famous person named Chandler. Chandler: Raymond Chandler. Joey: Someone you didn’t make up! Chandler: Okay, there are no famous Joey’s. Except for, huh, Joey Buttafucco. Joey: Yeah, that guy really hurt us. Phoebe: Well, how about a compromise then, okay? What if it’s like y’know, Chanoey? Chandler: Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he’ll never be President. There’s never gonna be a President Joey. Joey: All right look man, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It’s not even a name; it’s barely even a word. Okay? It’s kinda like chandelier, but it’s not! All right? It’s a stupid, stupid non-name! Chandler: Wow, you’re, you’re right. I have a horrible, horrible name. Joey: I’m sorry man, I didn’t—I’m-I’m sorry. I’m sorry. (Goes over and comforts him.) Chandler: Okay. Joey: So I guess it’s Joey then! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on her dinner date with Joshua.] Joshua: This is so nice. Thank you for doing this. Rachel: Ohh, please! Cooking soothes me. (They kiss.) Ahh. So, dig in! Joshua: Great! Oh, it all looks sooo good! Rachel: (taking a bite) Hmmm! Joshua: Oh my God! Rachel: Oh I know, my God, this is so—this rice is so—I am so good. Joshua: Behind you? Rachel: (sees the chick and the duck) Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. They used to live here; sometimes they migrate back over. Joshua: (getting up and backing away from they.) Is there ah, is there some way they can not be here. It’s just ah, farm birds really kinda freak me out! Rachel: Yeah, sure, okay. Okay. (Rachel gets up and ushers them into the hall, as they pass Joshua, he leaps onto the counter to avoid them. Rachel drops them off in the hall, and knocks on Joey’s door.) Joey: (answering the door.) Hey, how did you do that?! Come on in. (He brings them inside.) [Cut back to Rachel’s date.] Rachel: All gone! So, farm birds, huh? Joshua: Yeah, it’s-it’s my only weird thing, I swear. And I-I-I would’ve told you about it, but I didn’t know they would be here. Rachel: Oh. Joshua: So, all right. (They both sit back down.) Rachel: Okay. So, can I serve you a little of—What? What? What? (She sees that Joshua isn’t relaxed.) Joshua: Nothing I uh, it’s just that I know that they’re still out there. Rachel: But, they’re across the hall! I mean that’s two doors away, it would take them a long time to peck their way back over here. Joshua: Okay, that’s-that’s not funny. Uhh. Rachel: Okay, y’know, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I mean we could pack all this stuff up and y’know go to your apartment. Joshua: Oh, they’re working on this week, it’s a total mess. But uh, I’m staying at my parents’ house, we could go there. Rachel: Your parents’? Joshua: Yeah, they’re out of town. Rachel: Ohh. Joshua: Yeah-yeah, it’s this huge place, and-and it’s got this gorgeous view of the park, and very, very romantic. What do you say? Rachel: Yeah that works. (He moves to kiss her, but stops when he hears the duck.) Joshua: They-they-they can smell fear. [Scene: Ross’s apartment, Carol has come to pick up Ben.] Ross: (opening the door.) Hey! Carol: Hey! How’s Ben? Ross: Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he said, "No." I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said, "No." I asked him what he wanted to do, he said, "No." So, he’s sweeping. (We see Ben playing with a broom and a dustpan.) Carol: Hey, Ben! Hey! Ross: So umm, any word from Susan? Carol: Ooh, yeah! She said she’s having sooo much fun with Emily. Ross: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh, did it ever occur to you that, I don’t know, maybe they might be having a little too much fun? Carol: What’s too much fun? Ross: Y’know, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married. Carol: Oh my God, you are so paranoid! Ross: Am I?! Carol: Yes! Ross: Am I?! Carol: I can’t speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship. Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really ht it off. Y’know? Say-say they’re coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they’re laughing, y’know, someone innocently touches someone else… There’s electricity, it’s new. It’s exciting. Are you telling me there isn’t even the slightest possibility of something happening? Carol: Maybe. Ross: OH MY GOD!! I didn’t really believe it until you just said it!! [Scene: Joshua’s parents’ apartment, Rachel and Joshua are entering.] Joshua: …and even though none of the other kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck pushed me! Rachel: Wow! This place is fabulous! Joshua: Yeah, yeah, let me show you around. This is the uh, downstairs living room. Rachel: Whoa-whoa, there’s two living rooms? God, growing up here, this place must’ve been a real babe magnet. Joshua: Yeah, well, it would’ve been, but uh, my parents just moved here. Rachel: Ohh, you should know, this place is a real babe magnet. Wanna make out? (They kiss.) Joshua: Hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t uh, I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later? Rachel: That sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a place I can go freshen up? Joshua: Oh yeah, yeah uh, it’s down the hall and uh, second door to your left. Rachel: Ah. (She goes down the hall. Joshua goes to put the food away when his parents walk in.) Mrs. Burgin: Oh, hi, darling! Joshua: Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here? Mrs. Burgin: Oh, well we cut the trip short. Mr. Burgin: France sucks! Joshua: Umm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I got a date here. Mrs. Burgin: Oh, say no more! Mr. Burgin: We’ll just grab some food and take it with us right upstairs, and we’ll be right out of you hair. Joshua: Oh, that-that would be great. So you didn’t even get to Italy? Mr. Burgin: Yep, sucks! (They all go into the kitchen. Just then, Rachel comes back from the bathroom; she had removed her dress and is wearing nothing but a lace nightie. She tries to find someplace seductive to wait for Joshua. She tries to sit on the piano, but it makes too much noise. So she goes over to the couch and kinda half lays down to wait for Joshua. Joshua comes in from the kitchen, sees Rachel, and freezes.) Rachel: Hi you! Joshua: Oh my God! Rachel: I know, I can do more than cook. (Just then, his parents enter. Rachel gasps.) Mr. Burgin: I like her. She sees smart. COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Joshua’s parents’ apartment, continued from earlier.] Joshua: Uhh, Rachel, my parents… Rachel: Ohh! It’s so nice to meet you. (She goes over and shakes their hands.) Hello. Mr. Burgin: Hi. Rachel: Hello. Mrs. Burgin: Hello. Well, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries. Rachel: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is not—that’s-that’s not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. It’s-it’s, they’re-they’re wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale’s, so… And obviously in uh, in-in this case, (She grabs a pen and paper) I am going to report back, "USA not ready." Mrs. Burgin: Maybe in L.A? Rachel: Yes! Joshua: There you go. Mr. Burgin: So, have you kids eaten yet? Rachel: Well, we were going to do that after—I mean umm, next. Mr. Burgin: Well, we’re starving, why don’t we all go get something to eat? Rachel: Oh, yeah, well… Yeah, no use wasting this baby, just lyin’ around the house. Mr. Burgin: So… We go eat. Rachel: Yes. Mr. Burgin: You’ll wear that. We’ll be eating, and of course, you’ll be wearing that. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is looking for a new name in Phoebe’s book of names.] Joey: Dude, I am sorry about what I said! Chandler: No, no, you’re right, it is a ridiculous name! Joey: It’s not that bad. Chandler: Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name. Joey: So, you’re just Bing? Chandler: I have no name. Phoebe: All right, so, what are we supposed to call you? Chandler: Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint. Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull of Clint. Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off? Phoebe: Umm, Gene. Chandler: It’s Clint. It’s Clint! (He heads for his bedroom.) Joey: See you later, Gene. Phoebe: Bye, Gene. Chandler: It’s Clint! Clint! Joey: What’s up with Gene? [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe and Monica of her date.] Monica: So, you wore your nightie to dinner? Rachel: Oh, yeah. And uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out. Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: Oh, no! Rachel: No, it’s all right. I got nice boobs. (Phoebe and Monica nod there heads in agreement.) Ross: (returning from the phone.) So, I just picked up a message from Emily, she and Susan are going to a poetry reading together! Rachel: So? Ross: So! Poetry? Susan’s gay! They’re being gay together! Monica: Emily’s straight. Ross: Oh, wake up! Phoebe: Wow, Carol really messed you up! Ross: Excuse me? Phoebe: Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. (They all look at her.) All right, so I don’t know what sycophant means, but the rest is right. Ross: Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I am not a crazy, jealous person. Rachel: Huh. Ross: What? Rachel: She’s totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked out about Mark and there was nothing going on. Monica: This totally makes sense! Ross: It does not! Monica: Oh, sure it does! In high school, you weren’t jealous at all even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you! Phoebe: All right, all right, so up until ‘92-93 he was very trusting, then ’94 h*t, Carol left him and bamn! Paranoid city! Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely! Monica: This is so much fun! Ross: This is not fun! Monica: Look, all we’re trying to say is, don’t let what happened with Carol ruin what you got with Emily. Phoebe: Yeah. The ’92 Ross wouldn’t. Ross: Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing. Rachel: What—yeah—what, y’know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is showing off more of her drum skills to Joey by rubbing one of the sticks back and forth across the drum.] Phoebe: Drum roll. Chandler: (entering) Okay. Okay. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John? Joey: Nah, you’re not tall enough to be a Mark, but you might make a good Barney. Chandler: All right look, am I serious, okay? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the courthouse. Phoebe: You’re actually going through with this? Chandler: Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay, it’s probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women… So, as of 4 o’clock tomorrow, I’m either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson. Phoebe: You got problems because of you! Not your name! All right, this has got to stop! Chandler is a great name! In fact—yes, (To Joey) I’m, I’m sorry. I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey, but eh, so, I’m-I’m, I’m gonna, I’m gonna name the baby Chandler. Chandler: (pleased) Really?! Phoebe: Yeah, but you have to keep the name too! Chandler: Okay. Thanks. Phoebe: Okay! Chandler: You wanna hug it out? Phoebe: Yeah! (They both hug.) Phoebe: Yay! Chandler: Yay! Phoebe: Yay—oh—yay! Okay, I gotta go tell Frank and Alice! Right now! Chandler: Okay! Phoebe: Ooh, uh… (She grabs her coat and runs out.) Chandler: Bye, Pheebs! Phoebe: Okay, bye! (She exits, and after the door is closed, Chandler turns to Joey and…) Chandler: Ha! Ha! Ha! Joey: Ohh! (Realises it was all a trick to get Phoebe to name the baby Chandler.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: the airport, Carol and Ross are waiting for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous woman walks by and they both turn to watch her go.] Ross: Nice luggage. Carol: I was gonna say… (Susan and Emily get off.) Susan: Hey! (They both run and hug they’re respective partners.) Ross: Hi! Emily: Hey! I missed you. Ross: Oh, I missed you too. Susan: (To Emily) Thanks for everything, I had such a great time. Emily: Oh, so did I. (They hug and give each other a little peck on the cheek.) Ross: (To Carol) No tongue. (And gives her the thumbs up.) END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x18 - The One With Rachel\u2019s New Dress"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Wil Calhoun & Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Rachel’s bedroom; Rachel is awoken by a man singing in the next apartment.] The Singing Man: (singing, duh) Morning’s here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here! The morning’s here! Rachel: HEY!! Do you have to do that? It’s Saturday! The Singing Man: Oh come on! Morning’s here! (Starts singing) Morning’s here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here! (Rachel slams shut her window and storms into the living room, where Joey and Monica are eating breakfast.) Rachel: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy! Joey: Are you kidding? I love that guy! (Starts singing) Morning’s here! Morning is here— Rachel: Stop it! I will kll you. I hate the fact that my room is so small. Monica: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did. Rachel: Monica, you don’t even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor! Monica: Y’know what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay, I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live! Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Monica: Okay. Joey: See, this is a great apartment. Monica: Shut up! This place is a hole! OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Ross’s bedroom; Ross and Emily are making out. Ross as a new feature.] Emily: Oh, blimey, I still can’t believe you’ve got an earring! (Yep, it’s a little gold loop.) Ross: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? (Shakes his head around, pretending like he’s jamming.) Emily: He does that?! Ross: Uh, I don’t know, whatever. Emily: I think it makes you look really dangerous. Ross: Oh, I know. Y’know what, I never would’ve gotten this if it weren’t for you. No really, when I’m with you I’m-I’m like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy! Emily: I love both of you! Ross: Yeah? (They kiss.) Emily: I wish I didn’t have to go. Ross: Then don’t. Stay here. Just don’t go so soon to London, just one more day. Emily: Ohh, Ross, please! Ross: One more day, seriously/ Emily: Don’t do this to me, again. You’d know I’d stay here in a minute, but I’d really miss so much work, they’ll fre me. Ross: So, then you can stay as long as you want. Emily: I wish I could. Ross: Oh no. Don’t, don’t, don’t start packing. Come on! (She puts some clothes into her bag, and Ross throws them out.) Emily: I don’t think you understand packing. Look, I just don’t want to leave it to the last minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my knickers here. Ross: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on. Emily: You didn’t! Ross: No. No, I didn’t. I didn’t want to be that guy. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are watching one of those Kung Fu movies and imitating the moves.] Phoebe: (entering, wearing Santa pants) Hello! Chandler: Ho! Ho! Ho! Phoebe: Excuse me. Chandler: Your pants! Phoebe: Oh, yeah! You like ‘em? I just, I went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable! Joey: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants. Phoebe: What? Chandler: Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesn’t get it.) Santa Claus’s pants. Phoebe: Nuh-uh! They’re maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. (Pulls out a sheet of paper which lists who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.) See, these names are good, and these names are bad. (Finally, she figures it out.) Ohh. Rachel: (entering) Hey! Monica: (entering) Hey! Rachel: So—Hey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves? Phoebe: I don’t know! How are the-the-the-the, y’know—You’re clothes aren’t funny. Monica: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game? Chandler: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I don’t belong here." Joey: You have Knicks tickets? Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dad’s season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me. Monica: Yeah, apparently, they’re pretty good seats. Rachel: Yeah. Joey: (examining the tickets) Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor! Rachel: Do you guys want these? Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Yeah we do! Rachel: Ohh, well you got ‘em. Both: All right! Rachel: Just give us our apartment back! Phoebe: Boy! I didn’t see that coming! Chandler: Are you serious? Rachel: Oh, come on! We know what these are worth. Monica: Yeah, what, do you think we’re stupid? Joey: You’re not stupid. You’re meaner than I thought. Monica: What do you say? Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats! Rachel: You’re bachelor pad?! Monica: Have you even had a girl up here? Chandler: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time. Joey: Yeah, you do! [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is whining to Chandler about the tickets.] Joey: Come on! Chandler: (ignoring him) Yes, gn, can I get two cups of chino, please? gn: Good one. Joey: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do you know what that means? Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up the apartment. Joey: Oh come—look, when I was a kid my dad’s company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! Of course, he wasn’t in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that! Ross: (entering) Hey, guys! (They both notice his new little friend) Joey: Hey! Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: We don’t make enough fun of you already? Ross: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it. Chandler: You do know that Wham broke up? Ross: I like it, and Emily likes it, and that’s what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing? Joey: Oh-no, don’t try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear. Chandler: Where is Emily? Ross: Ugh, she’s saying good-bye to her uncle. Chandler: Man, didn’t she like just get here? Ross: Yeah!! Yeah! Chandler: Easy tiger. Ross: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, it’s-it’s so great. But at the same time I’m thinking, "Well, I’m gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off." Chandler: So what are you going to do? Ross: Nothing! There’s nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-she’d have to uh, move here. She should move here! Joey: What? Ross: I could ask her to live with me! Chandler: Are you serious? Ross: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?! Chandler: Because you’ve only known her for six weeks! Okay, I’ve got a carton of milk in my fridge I’ve had a longer relationship with! Ross: Look guys, when I’m with her it’s-it’s-it’s like she brings this-this-this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love her, y’know? Chandler: And I love the milk! But, I’m not gonna some British girl to move in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now. Joey: All right look, Ross, he’s right. Emily’s great, she’s great! But this way too soon, you’re only gonna scare her! Ross: I don’t want to do that. Joey: No! You don’t want to wreck it, you don’t want to go to fast! Ross: Yeah, no, you’re right, I know, you’re right, I’m not, I’m not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. (Gets up to leave.) Chandler: Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same day. Joey and Chandler are eating pizza, and Phoebe is trying to knit something.] Phoebe: That’s too hard. Too hard! Monica: (entering with Rachel) All right boys, last chance for the tickets! Rachel: Or I’ll give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua. Chandler: No thank you. Joey: Wait-wait-wait-wait! (To Chandler) Come on! Come on, let’s trade! The timing’s perfect, I just clogged the toilet! Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we can’t leave in the small apartment after we’ve lived here! Didn’t you ever read Flowers for Algernon? Joey: Yes! Didn’t you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I didn’t read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight! Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats. Joey: It’s the Knicks! Chandler: Screw the Knicks! Joey: Whoa! Chandler: I didn’t mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more. Joey: Huh. Chandler: And the Knicks rule all. Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all! Phoebe: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it? Chandler: No. No. We’re not gonna do that, y’know why? Because its not an even trade. Rachel: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets? Joey: Done! Rachel: Let me finish. Joey: Oh. Rachel: I’m talking about a bet, winner takes all. Joey: Ooh, we could end up with nothing. Phoebe: Or you could end up with everything. Joey: Ooh, I like that. Monica: All right, so what do you say? Chandler: No! Monica: Oh, just do it!! Chandler: Op, op, I’m convinced! Joey: Come on man, you know I’d do it for you! Because, you’re my best friend. Chandler: All right, but you can’t use that again for a whole year. I’m in. Joey: All right! Phoebe: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet? Rachel: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she’s the only who’s impartial, and she’s so pretty. Phoebe: Okay. Umm, ooh, ooh—oh, I have a game! Joey: Okay! Chandler: Okay! Phoebe: This is great! Joey: What’s the game?! What’s the game?! Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesn’t have a name—oh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesn’t have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees? Monica: They’re green? Phoebe: Good! Good! Five points! (They both rejoice; Chandler is totally confused.) Phoebe: All right, Joey, same question. (He looks to Chandler, who doesn’t have a clue.) Joey: Uhh, they’re tall. Phoebe: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy. (Joey turns and is angry that Chandler didn’t come up with the answer.) Monica: That’s not even a game! Rachel: What? Shut up! We’re winning! Monica: You wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. What do you say? Chandler: Fine, let’s do it. Phoebe: Oh, I have cards! Joey: Oh. Monica: Oh, good. Phoebe: Yeah! Here! (She grabs a deck out of her purse) Oh no, these are the trick deck. Okay. Here yes. Okay. Chandler: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first Rachel: Okay. Monica: Okay. (She picks a card.) Four. Chandler: That’s a low one! Joey: Yeah! Okay. (Joey picks a card.) Phoebe, you look, I can’t. Phoebe: What make you think I can?! (Shields her eyes from it.) Joey: Okay. Okay. (He looks at the card.) Ace! (Both Joey and Chandler and Monica and Rachel jump up and down for joy.) Chandler: Why are you screaming and hugging? Monica: Because we won our apartment back! Joey: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace! Monica: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four! (They all look to Phoebe to settle this.) Phoebe: I don’t know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! (She fans out the trick deck.) Ah-ha! Rachel: All right, cut, let’s pick again, pick again. Joey: Okay. Rachel: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! (Picks a card.) Oh! I know queen is high! Joey: Uh-huh, not as high as…(picks a card) It worked! King! Chandler: Yeah baby! Monica: But, we pick again! We pick again! Joey: Why?! Monica: I don’t know! Chandler: Tickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) That’s courtside baby! Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game. (He tries to congratulate them, but they pull away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back! Chandler: No they didn’t! [Scene: Ross’s apartment, Emily has packed as Ross returns.] Ross: Hey! Emily: I packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow. Ross: (laughs) Move in with me. Emily: What?! Ross: Don’t be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say it’s too soon, but just-just think, think how great it will be. Emily: Ohh, no. Ugh. Oh, leaving London, my whole family lives there. Ross: I know. Emily: My job! Ross: Well, so, you-you’ll get a job here! I mean, I’m always hearing about uh, them foreigners coming in here and stealing American jobs; that could be you! Emily: Yeah, but it-it-it’s my whole life—you come to England. Ross: No, I can’t. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I can’t leave him. Isn’t—you don’t think there’s any way? Emily: Ohh, I don’t think so. I mean it would be different if it was way into the future –and-and-and we were getting married or something. Ross: What? Emily: Oh no, no, right I shouldn’t have said married. Uh, please don’t go freaky on me. I didn’t mean it. Well, I didn’t say it; I take it back! Ross: No, no, don’t. Why don’t we? Emily: Why don’t we what? Ross: Get married. Emily: You are mad! Ross: No! No! I’m not! It’s-it’s-it’s perfect! I mean it’s better than you just-just moving here, ‘cause it’s us together forever, and that’s-that’s what I want. Emily: We’ve only known each other for six weeks! Ross: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, who’s-who’s to say? Does that me we-we can’t do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesn’t it? Emily: My parents are going to be really mad. Ross: Is that—are you saying yes? Is that yes? Emily: Yes. (They kiss and hug.) Emily: Yes! Ross: Yes! We’re getting married?! Emily: Oh my God! Ross: Yes! Emily: We’re getting married! Ross: Come here, come here. Uh, (He takes the earring out.) ow! Emily, will you marry me? Emily: Yes. (He tries to put it on her finger.) Emily: Ohh, it’s a bit small. Ross: Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell! Emily: It was. (They kiss.) COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: The hallway, Joey and Chandler are coming back from the game.] Chandler: Those were like the best seats ever. Joey: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? Y’know, kinda like a peace offering. Chandler: Oh yeah, that’s very nice. Plus, y’know they were free and they’re too small. (He knocks on the girls’ door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow! Anyhoo, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesn’t even realise it.) Chandler: Oh. Oh, God! (He starts running around like a chicken with his head cut off.) Joey: Hey, want a beer? (Hands him a beer and sits down in one of the chairs.) (Jumping up.) WHOA!!!! Chandler: I KNOW!!! (They both sprint to what used to be their apartment.) Chandler: Open up! Open up! Open up! (A very angry Monica opens the door with the security chain still on.) Monica: We’ll discuss it, in the morning! (Slams the door shut.) Chandler: What the hell is going on?! (It’s Rachel’s turn to open the door.) Rachel: We took our apartment back!! (Slams the door shut.) Phoebe: (opening the door) I had nothing to do with it. (Closes the door.) (Opens the door.) Okay, it was my idea, but I don’t feel good about it. (She goes to close the door, but Chandler puts his foot it in.) Chandler: We are switching back, right now! Monica: No, we’re not! We’re not leaving! Chandler: Well, you’re gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we’re switching it back! There’s nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe? Joey: I don’t know. Chandler: What? Joey: I don’t want to move again! Chandler: I don’t care, this is our apartment! And they stole—you stole it—our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I’m getting back right now! (They open the door.) Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer. Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can’t offer anything to us! Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and… Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute. [Time lapse. The guys are entering their apartment.] Chandler: Totally worth it! Joey: That was one good minute! Chandler: Good night. Joey: Good night. (They both go back into their old rooms and shut the doors. Of course, Chandler has to close both sections of his door.) [Cut to the girls apartment.] Monica: Men are such idiots. Rachel: Yeah! Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back? Phoebe: That’s so funny to think if you’d just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all. Monica: Yeah, let-let-let’s pretend that’s not true. Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Okay, scarf’s done. (It’s not really a scarf, it’s just a bunch of yarn that Phoebe has tied together. Just then, Ross and Emily enter dragging with them Joey and Chandler.) Ross: Come on! Come on. Come on. Chandler: Okay! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey! Monica: What-what’s going on? Joey: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone. Ross: Uhh, okay, it’s uh, Emily and I, we decided to uh, to get married. (The gng is stunned.) Phoebe: What? Oh, are you pregnant too?! Emily: Umm, no. Monica: When, when did—how, how did you… Ross: We, we just decided to uh, to go for it. Emily: I mean, we know it’s a bit hasty but, uh, it just feels so right, so… (Rachel slowly walks in from her bedroom. She is stunned speechless.) Ross: (turning around.) Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys… Rachel: Yeah, I-I heard. (Pause, everyone looks at each other, waiting for Rachel’s reaction.) I think it’s great! (Hugs Ross.) Ohh, I’m so happy for you! (Seeing Rachel’s apparently okay with this, the rest of the gng jumps up to congratulate Ross and Emily on their pending nuptials.) Chandler: Oh, well, that’s great! Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Monica: (to Ross) I can’t believe you’re getting married! Ross: Yeah. (They hug again.) Joey: Monica and Rachel made out. (Giggles like a schoolboy and Monica glares at him.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Joey’s bedroom, he is awoken by the singing guy.] The Singing Man: (singing) Morning’s here! The morning’s here! (Joey joins him.) Both: Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here! The Singing Man: Hey! You’re back! Joey: Hey! (Singing) Get into gear! The Singing Man: (singing) Breakfast is near! Both: The dark of night has disappeared!! The Singing Man: I’ll see you tomorrow morning! Joey: (happily) Okay! END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x19 - The One With All The Haste"}	foreverdreaming
Story by: Adam Chase Teleplay by: Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Joey’s bedroom, he is asleep and snoring loudly. Chandler enters wondering who left their engine running.] Chandler: Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!! Joey: (joining in, in his sleep) Joey. Joey. Joey. Joey! Joey!! (Chandler acts disgusted, but is happy that Joey has stopped snoring. However, just as he is about to leave, Joey starts snoring again. So to get him to stop, he slams the door shut, waking Joey.) Chandler: Oh. Oh, did-did-did I wake you? OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting another cup of coffee.] Chandler: gn, can I get another cup of coffee, please? (gn starts to pour him another cup.) So uh, what do you do when you’re not working here? gn: You don’t need to fill these silences. Chandler: Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey, and Phoebe.) Monica: Chandler, that’s like your fourth cup of coffee! Chandler: Well, I am drinking lots of cups of coffee because I’m exhausted! Because Joey started snoring! Monica: He’s in a different room! He’s really that loud? Joey: (proudly) Oh, you should here me. Chandler: It’s not something to be proud of, okay? You have to go to a sleep clinic! Joey: Look, I told ya, I’m not going to any clinic! I don’t have a problem, you’re the one with the problem! You should go to a "Quit being a baby and leave me alone" clinic! Chandler: They don’t have those. Joey: Yeah, they do! Quit being a baby and leave me alone! There, you’ve just had your first class! Monica: Y’know I used to go out with this guy that was a really light sleeper, and whenever I started to snore, he would just roll me over… Joey: Ohhh, yeah! Monica: He would just roll me over and I would stop snoring. Chandler: Next time you snore, I’m rolling ya over! Joey: I gotta do what I gotta do, you gotta do what you gotta do, you just do it. Ross: (entering) Hey guys! Chandler: Hey, all right! Phoebe: Hey! (Joey starts humming Here Come the Bride.) Phoebe: Oh, the Olympics. Monica: Have you guys picked a date yet? Ross: Oh no, not yet. Phoebe: I still cannot believe you’re engaged! (Ross looks at her) Just ‘cause its happening so fast; not ‘cause you’re such a loser. Ross: Oh. Thanks. Uh, has anyone seen Rach? Monica: Ugh, she’s upstairs not doing the dishes! And I tell ya something! I’m not doing them this time! I don’t care if those dishes sit in the sink until they’re all covered with—I’ll do them when I get home! Ross: Yeah—oh! Hey listen umm, Emily found this wedding dress in London… Phoebe: Already?! Ross: Yeah, but it didn’t fit. Well, luckily there’s a store here that has one left in her size, but I’m the groom, I’m not supposed to see the dress… Monica: I’ll pick it up for you! Ross: Thank you. Monica: Okay. Chandler: Oh, she’s got you running errands, y’know, picking up wedding dresses… (Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah! Ross: What’s wah-pah? Chandler: Y’know, whipped! Wah-pah! Joey: That’s not whipped! Whipped is wh-tcssh! Chandler: That’s what I did. Wah-pah! Joey: You can’t do anything! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is not doing the dishes. She hears someone coming up the stairs and quickly puts down her magazine and pretends like she’s actually doing the dishes.] Rachel: Hey, Mon, I was just doing the dishes! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Oh! It’s you. (She stops doing the dishes.) Hi. Ross: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute? Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a break anyways, so… Ross: So listen uh, I know you and I haven’t really had a chance to talk since uh, Emily and I decided to get married, and uh, I was just wondering how you were. Rachel: Oh. Ross: I know if you were getting married I’d feel, kinda….. y’know. Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely, well it definitely took me by surprise, but I’m okay. Ross: Yeah? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: All right, I just wanted to check. Rachel: Oh, that’s sweet. (He goes over to hug her.) Ross: You’re great. And I-I know someday this will happen for you too. You just hang in there. Rachel: (breaking the hug) Uhh, hang in there? Ross: Oh, no, I didn’t mean, uh… Rachel: I mean maybe you didn’t hear about a serious relationship called me and Joshua? Ross: Oh, I thought you guys had just been on like four dates, I didn’t realise that had become anything, yet. Rachel: Oh, no-no-no, no-no-no, it has become, it has—yeah. Oh no, those were four great dates. Ross: Oh. Yeah? Rachel: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, the connection, I mean y’know, emotionally, mentlly, physically… Ross: Wow, that’s-that’s-that’s incredible. Rachel: I know isn’t it? It’s like I’m right there with Joshua. Ross: Uh-huh. Rachel: You are right there with Emily. And it’s y’know, it’s kinda like…. it’s a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes. Ross: I gotta get to work. Rachel: Oh yeah? Fine. Ross: Hey, y’know, y’know what would make me really happy? Rachel: Oh yeah, no, what’s that? Ross: If like the four of us could all y’know, hang out together. Uh, in fact Emily’s coming into town this weekend, why don’t you say we all have dinner? Say, Sunday night? Rachel: That would be great! Ross: Yeah, all right, it’s a date. (He leaves) Rachel: (to the closed door) Hang in there. You hang in there. (Gives him the raspberry.) Ross: (coming back in) Did you say something? Rachel: No, just singing. (Does a little song.) [Scene: Beatrice Bridal Shop, Monica and Phoebe are there to pick up Emily’s dress.] Monica: Oh my God! Ohh! Look at this one! It’s so beautiful! Phoebe: Yeah, but y’know, about have of these are gonna end up getting divorced. The Saleslady: May I help you ladies? Monica: Oh, yes, umm, I’m here to pick up a dress that you have on hold. The Saleslady: Yes, what’s the name, please? Monica: Emily Waltham. The Saleslady: Yes! I have it right here. (Phoebe and Monica both gasp at the dress.) Would you like to try it on Ms. Waltham? Monica: (laughs) Okay. [Time lapse. Monica is wearing the dress and starring at herself in the mirror.] Phoebe: You’re the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen. Monica: I am, aren’t I? The Saleslady: Ms. Waltham? Monica: Yes? The Saleslady: We’re closing. Monica: All right. (Goes to take off the dress.) The Saleslady: And could I get my ring back? (She disgustedly takes the ring off and gives it back.) [Scene: Joey’s bedroom, he’s snoring again and Chandler is there to roll him over.] Chandler: All right buddy, time to roll over. (Rolls him over, and discovers a surprise) (Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! You’re going to a clinic, and a pyjama store! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing the dishes.] Monica: Does she use the cups? Yes! I believe she does. Does she use the plates? Yes! I believe she does. (Looks at the wedding dress and stops.) [Time lapse, Monica is now wearing the dress while doing the dishes and is making like she is thanking her guests for coming to her wedding. Paging Dr. Crane. Dr. Fraiser Crane!] Monica: Oh. Thank you. Ohhh, thank you very much. Oh, thank you for coming. (There’s a knock on the door.) Uh, just a second! Phoebe: No-no, let me in! Monica: Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah! Monica: Can you just hold on for one minute? Phoebe: No, you have to let me in right now!! Monica: Are you alone? Phoebe: Yes! Monica: All right. (She goes over and lets Phoebe bounce in wearing her own wedding dress.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is complaining about going to the clinic.] Joey: This sucks! I didn’t know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic! I’m so tired! Chandler: It’s 6:00. Joey: Yeah, well… Rachel: (entering) Hi! Chandler: Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and Emily, and I think that’s, I think that’s really cool. Joey: Yeah, Rach, I think you’re handling that really well. Rachel: Handling it? What do you mean, handling it? There’s nothing to handle. Now, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasn’t for me and Joshua. Y’know, they’re not gonna get married anyway! Chandler: What? Rachel: Come on! They rushed into this thing so fast it’s ridiculous! I mean, they’re gonna be engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere along the way, one of them is gonna realise what they’ve done and they’re call the whole thing off. I’m telling ya, you’re gonna be dancing at my wedding before you’re dancing at there’s. Chandler: Yeah, well, I don’t dance at weddings. Rachel: Why not? Chandler: Because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when I dance, I look like this… (Starts to dancing really, really, really badly. Ross enters behind him and he stops.) Ross: Hey man. Chandler: Hey! Ross: So, what are you guys doing four weeks from today? Chandler: Nothing. Rachel: Nothing. Joey: I am… (Looks in his date book.) free! Ross: Great! Because Emily and I are getting married in a month! Joey and Chandler: What?! Ross: Yep! Rachel: In a month? Ross: Yeah! Rachel: You mean, you mean 30 days? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: From now? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Well, that’s great. Ross: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but it’s going to be torn down, so… I mean, I-I know it’s crazy, but everything up ‘til now has been so crazy, and I don’t know, this just feels right. Y’know? Joey: (still looking in date book) Hey! That’s the day after I stop menstruating! (They all look at him.) This isn’t mine. COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is waiting impatiently for Joshua.] Joshua: (entering) Hey, Rachel. Rachel: Hi! Joshua: What’s up? You’re voice sounded all squeaky on the phone. Rachel: Ohh, nothing, I just wanted to see you. See you and hug you. (Hugs him) See you. Joshua: Great! Rachel: Yeah! (She sits down) Sit! Joshua: (sitting) You okay? Rachel: I’m more than okay, I am really, really happy! Wanna know why? Joshua: Do I? Rachel: ‘Cause I am really happy about us. I think we are, I think we are so on the right track! Y’know? I mean, I think we are working, I think we are clicking. Y’know? Joshua: Yeah, sure-sure, yeah, we’re-we’re-we’re-we’re-we’re clicking. Rachel: Yeah-yeah, y’know if-if there was just like one little area where I—that I think we need—we would need to work on; I-I would think it was we’re just not crazy enough! Joshua: I-I gotta say, I-I-I-I’m not too sure I agree with that. Rachel: Well, yeah, right, y’know what? Yeah, you’re right, I mean, we no, we have our fun. Yeah! But if (Grunts uncomprehensively)……I mean, I mean like craaaazy! Y’know? Okay, all right. This is gonna, this is gonna sound y’know, a little umm, hasty, but uh, just go with it. Umm. Ugh. What if we got married? Joshua: What?! (gn is listening in.) Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, it’s-it’s so, it’s so totally like, "Whoa! Can we do this?" Y’know, I mean, but I mean it just feels right! Don’t you think? It does! I mean, it just feels right, don’t you think? Joshua: Wow! Uhh, Rachel uhh, you’re a real special lady, but my divorce isn’t final yet and, and, and we’ve been on four days, so I’m thinking "No, but thanks." gn: YOU IDIOT!!!!! [Scene: The Sleep Clinic, Joey is having trouble staying awake.] Sleep Clinic Worker: Your name, please? Joey: Joey Tribbiani. Sleep Clinic Worker: Um-hmm, and did you stay up all night in preparation for your sleep study. (Joey doesn’t answer) Uh, sir? (Joey starts snoring) Chandler: (answering for him) Yes he did. Sleep Clinic Worker: Alll right, we’ll call you in a few minutes. (As she leaves, a beautiful woman enters and sits down across from the boys.) Chandler: (waking Joey) Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot! Joey: (sleepily) Yeah, she is. Wow! (Falls back asleep, loudly) How you doin’? (Chandler wakes him up, again.) Joey: What?! Chandler: You’re coming on to the entire room! (He goes over to pick up a stack of magazines next to her, and to get her attention, he throws them back down.) I’m Chandler. Woman: I’m Marjorie. Chandler: Hi. Marjorie: Hi. Chandler: You mind if I… Marjorie: No, please. (He sits down next to her.) Chandler: So uh, what are you in for? Marjorie: I talk in my sleep. Chandler: What a coincidence, I listen in my sleep. Joey: (asleep) So why don’t you give me your number? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe, still defying reality, are now throwing a bouquet at each other, pretending to catch the actual bouquet at an actual wedding.] Monica: Okay, ready? Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Okay. (She turns around and throws the bouquet to Phoebe.) Phoebe: (catching it) I got it! Mine! (They both hug) Monica: Congratulations! Phoebe: Thank you! Monica: Okay! My turn! My turn! Phoebe: Okay! (Gets into position) Okay, ready? Monica: (cocking her head from side to side in some pre-bouquet-catching ritual) Yeah. Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe turns and throws it on the couch.) Monica: (upset) That was a terrible throw!! Phoebe: I’m not gonna right to you! That’s not real! Monica: Look at me! My big concern is what’s real?! (Finally realises) Oh my God. We’re really sad, aren’t we? Phoebe: Yeah, I think we are. Monica: This isn’t even my dress. Phoebe: Well, at least you didn’t rent yours from a store called, "It’s Not Too Late." Monica: I’m changing out of this. Phoebe: Me too. Monica: In like a half-hour? Phoebe: Me too. Monica: Okay, throw it straight this time. Phoebe: Okay. (She throws it straight, and Monica makes a big deal about catching it.) Monica: I’m getting married next!! Phoebe: Yay! [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe, back to reality, are sitting in normal clothes.] Phoebe: I hate my regular clothes now! Y’know? I look down and-and I know that this isn’t gonna be the most special day of my life. Monica: Yeah. I mean it was kinda fun for a while, but didn’t you start feeling silly? Phoebe: I guess. (Monica crosses her legs and is still wearing the garter belt.) Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: Oh God. Phoebe: Oh, you’re such a cheater! Chandler: (entering) Hello! Little ones. Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: So, is Joey gonna stop snoring? Chandler: Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. (They’re stunned.) Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me. Phoebe: Oh, how’d that happen? Chandler: Because I’m cooler. Monica: No, seriously. Chandler: Well she’s, she’s the kinda girl—Joey was unconscious. (Joey enters, wearing a mouth guard like boxers wear.) Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Hey you guys! What’s happening? Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: What is that? Joey: (muffled) Oh, they gave it to me at the sleep clinic, and it’s gonna help me not to snore. Monica: Well, are you asleep right now, Joe? ‘Cause I don’t think you have to wear it unless you are! Joey: (takes out the mouth guard) I know I don’t have too! It tastes good. (Puts it back in.) Chandler: Plus, you look cool. (Joey totally agrees with this statement and kicks his feet up.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is putting away the wedding dress, finally.] Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) Well, I just called Joshua… Phoebe: Oh, how did it go? Rachel: Well, I did my best to convince him that I’m not some crazy girl who is dying to get married—I’m just going through a hard time. Phoebe: What did he say? Rachel: Well uh, his answering machine was very understanding. Ugh. I feel blue. Monica: Ohh, sweetie! (Goes to comfort her.) Hey, I bet you anything that he’s gonna call you again. Rachel: Yeah, maybe, but I don’t think I even care. I don’t think he’s the one I’m sad about. Y’know, I know that I said that I am totally okay with Ross getting married, but as it turns out, I don’t think I’m handling it all that well. Phoebe: Yeah, maybe. Rachel: And I-I am just trying to figure out why. Phoebe: Any luck? Rachel: Well, yeah, y’know how Ross and I were on again, off again, on again, off again? I guess I just figured that somewhere down the road, we would be on again. Monica: Again. Y’know what? I think we all did. Ross: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! (She jumps up and throws Emily’s wedding dress into Rachel’s room.) Ross: So, I got us some reservations for Sunday night, okay? How about, Ernie’s at 9 o’clock? Rachel: Yeah, well, you uh, better make it for three. Ross: Oh, see I-I don’t know if we’re gonna be hungry at three. Rachel: Three people. Joshua’s not gonna be there. Ross: What happened? Rachel: Uh, well, I think, I think he broke up with me. Ross: Noo. Why? Rachel: Well, apparently he scares easy. Ross: Oh, Rachel, I’m-I’m sorry. Rachel: It’s okay. Sometimes, things don’t work out the way you’d thought they would. Ross: Come here. (They hug.) Rachel: (breaking the hug) Oh, hey, don’t you have to go pick up Emily? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. Ross: You okay? Rachel: Yeah! I got my girls. (He leaves.) Rachel: Ugh. (She goes over and lays her head on Phoebe’s lap.) Phoebe: (looks at Monica) Hey, y’know what might cheer you up? Rachel: What? [Time lapse, all three girls are now wearing wedding dresses, eating popcorn, drinking beer, and watching TV.] Rachel: Y’know, I gotta tell ya, this really does put in a better mood. Monica: Oh, I wish there was a job where I could wear this all the time. (Pause) Maybe someday, there will be. (There’s a knock on the door.) Monica: Oh God! He’s gonna come by and borrow some candles for his big date! Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes to answer the door.) Monica: No-no, Rachel, don’t get it! He can’t see us! Phoebe: No, yeah! The groom cannot see the bride! Rachel: I’m not gonna marry Chandler! Phoebe: Not after this! Rachel: Okay, you guys, just relax. (She goes over to open the door, and as she does, she says.) I doooo. (Sees that it’s Joshua, not Chandler that knocked on the door.) Joshua: I gotta go. Rachel: Oh, wait, Joshua! Joshua! (Pause) (Comes back inside) Yeah, well, that oughta do it. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler’s bedroom, he is sleeping with Marjorie. All of the sudden, Marjorie starts talking in her sleep, awakening Chandler. After a little bit, she quiets back down, and Chandler tries to get back to sleep. There’s a short pause until she starts screaming, causing Chandler to scream with her. She quickly calms down. This all wakes up Joey, who comes over wearing the mouth guard, opens the top half of Chandler’s door, and starts to complain about the noise.] Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Dude! I am trying to sleep! (Shrugs to say, "What’s up with that?") END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x20 - The One With All the Wedding Dresses"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Seth Kirkland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help from: Darcy Partridge Episodes Orginally Transcribed by: guineapig, Ruth Curran, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, Josh Hodge, Dan Silverstein, and Eric Aasen. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are sitting and talking.] Chandler: Y’know what? It seems like all of the sudden; so much has happened. Joey: I know. Ross is getting married. Chandler: Phoebe is, making people. Joey: Everybody’s doing stuff! Chandler: And we just sit here. I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we have to do something. Okay? Something huge! Joey: (snaps his fingers) We could climb Mt. Everest! Chandler: No-no, not something stupid, something huge. Joey: No-no-no-no-no, I saw an ad for this video, people climb that thing everyday! We could totally do that! Chandler: Why not?! I mean it’s just, it’s just climbing! It’s just, it’s just steep! Joey: Yeah! Chandler: We’re going to Everest! Okay, it would be nice to leave an ass print on Everest! Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: What-what’s up? Joey: We’re gonna climb Mt. Everest! Chandler: Yeah baby! Phoebe: Really?! I looked into that. Yeah, but, I mean it costs like $60,000 and y’know you can die. And, you would die! Chandler: (dejected) Yeah, well… Joey: We could get that Everest video though. Chandler: Yeah, we could do that without y’know risking our lives at all! Joey: And while we’re down at the video store, you know what else we could rent? Die Hard! (Chandler’s excited.) Oh, y’know what? I just remembered, that Everest thing is only available through mail order. Chandler: (dejected) Oh, well… Phoebe: So you guys’ll stay here and hang out with me? Chandler: Yeeeeahhhh. Joey: Yeah. Yeah. Chandler: But I’ll tell you something. One of these days we’re get off of our buts and rent Die Hard again! Joey: Yeah we are! OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Ross’s apartment, he and Emily are addressing their invitations.] Emily: So what did he decide? Does your Uncle Nathan get an invite or not? Ross: Ohh, God, nobody likes him, and he’s so cheap, he’d never fly to London in a million years. Yeah, invite him? Hey, did I do these neat enough? (Hands her some envelopes.) Emily: Yeah, they’re fine. Ross: Yeah? Emily: If anyone asks, we’ll just say Ben addressed them. (Looking through the envelopes.) Oh! So you invited Rachel then? Ross: Sure. Why not? Emily: Really? Ross: Yeah? Emily: I don’t think I’d be comfortable with any of my old lovers there. Ross: Wait-wait-wait, do you, do you think, maybe we shouldn’t invite her? Emily: Oh, no-no, y’know I absolutely adore Rachel it’s just that, well it might be a awkward for you. But it’s absolutely your decision. (Gets up.) More tea? Ross: Yeah sure. Emily: Earl Grey? Ross: Huh? Yeah, fine, invite whoever you want. [And with that we start off on a series of clips from the entire history of Ross and Rachel, from Ross’s point of view. The first clip is from The Pilot.] [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is complaining about Carol.] Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again! (ENTER RACHEL IN A WET WEDDING DRESS. SHE STARTS TO SEARCH AROUND THE ROOM) Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (EXTENDS HIS HAND HOPEFULLY) Monica: Rachel?! Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! [cut to later] Monica: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (TO RACHEL) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure! Ross: Hi. (THEY GO TO HUG BUT ROSS' UMBRELLA OPENS. HE SITS, DEFEATED AGAIN) [cut to later] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are finishing up some cookies.] Ross: You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you. Rachel: I knew. Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. Rachel: I did. Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe? Rachel: Yeah, maybe... Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will... [The next clip is from The One With The Blackout.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are talking about passion.] Ross: See, I see.... big passion in your future. Rachel: Really? Ross: I do. Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. [she playfully rubs his head and gets up] [Ross gets up, pleased with himself and starts to walk past Joey.] Joey: It's never gonna happen. [cut to later] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross is about to be attcked by Paulo's cat.] Ross: Hey, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment. Rachel: OK. Ross: OK. Umm, for a while now, I've been wanting to, um.... Rachel: Ohhh!!!! [looking at something behind Ross] Ross: Yes, yes, that's right... Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! [a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross] Look at it! Ross: What? [the cat jumps on his shoulders] Ow! [Scene: Inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.] Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: [singing] I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find... [The next clip is from The One With The East German Laundry Detergent.] [Scene: The Laundromat, Rachel is fighting with that old, annoying woman for a cart.] Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it! [She thinks it over, and then walks away.] Rachel: [to Ross] Yes! Did you see that? Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen. Rachel: I could not have done this without you. [Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.] Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? [Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.] I'm fine, I'm fine. [The next clip is from The One Where Ross Finds Out] [Scene: Central Perk, I'm sure you've guessed, it's the famous fight scene between Ross and Rachel.] Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me. Rachel: [hurt] What? Ross: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you. Rachel: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie? [cut to later] Ross: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed. [cut to later] Rachel: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross. Ross: Fine. Rachel: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship. Ross: Good. Rachel: Good. [Ross leaves] [cut to later] [Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him.] [cut to later] [She opens the door and they kiss.] [The next clip is the second famous fight in The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are arguing.] Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I’m doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I’m doing something that I’m actually good at. I mean. if you don’t get that... Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I’m happy for ya, but I’m tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don’t know what to do anymore. Rachel: Well neither do I! Ross: Is this about Mark? Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God. Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not. Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you’re, you’re, you’re making this too hard. Ross: Oh I’m, I’m making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do. Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break. Ross: Okay, okay, fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, (goes to the door) let’s cool off, okay, let’s get some frozen yogart, or something.. (opens the door) Rachel: No. (Ross is standing in the doorway.) A break from us. (Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.) [The next clip is from The One The Morning After] [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is hurrying Chloe out the door.] Chloe: Do I know why we’re rushing? Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (He’s frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!! Chloe: That’s so great for you guys! Ross: Yeah! [cut to later] Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend. Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!! Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message. Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time. Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again? Ross: Yes, you can, very much. (Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still standing behind the door.) Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.) [cut to later] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just found out about Chloe and is screaming at Ross. The rest of the gng is trapped in Monica's bedroom.] Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here! Ross: No!! Rachel: Just get out! Now!! Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this. Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she? [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Chandler: Uh-oh. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: What? Rachel: Was she good? [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Don’t answer that. [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it!! How was she? Ross: She was... [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Awful! Horrible! Chandler: She was not good. Not good. Joey: She was nothing compared to you. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: She, she was different. [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Ewwwww! Chandler: Uh-oh. [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: Good different? Ross: Nobody likes change. (Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.) Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay. [The next clip is from The One With The Jellyfish.] [Scene: Rachel's bedroom, Rachel, entering selfish mode, is thanking Ross for wrongly taking the entire blame of the breakup; as if she had absolutely nothing to do with it.] Rachel: ...the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown. Y'know? I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective... Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!! [Cut back to the present.] [Scene: A mailbox, Ross is mailing the invitations. He throws a bunch into the mailbox, but pauses with Rachel's. And it starts another round of clips.] [The One With The Fake Party] [Scene: The hallway, Rachel is convincing Ross that Emily is good for him.] Rachel: You seem to really like her. Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment. Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks. Ross: You think? Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip. Ross: Hey, you’re right. Rachel: Yeah. [Cut back to the present, Ross is still looking at Rachel's invitation. Finally, he makes up his mind and mails it.] COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are opening their invitations.] Monica: Ohh, this is soo amazing! I can’t believe my brother’s getting married! And in London! It’s so romantic! Joey: (taking apart the invitation) Hey, pretty smart! Tissue paper! You’re at the wedding, you have to cry, "Handkerchief?" "No-no, I got my invitation." Phoebe: Oooh look! Isn’t this adorable, Ross let Ben address mine! Chandler: (entering) Hello! Joey: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Hey, did you get your invitation to Ross’s wedding? Chandler: (sarcastic) Noo. Joey: Don’t worry man, I get to bring a guest. We’ll show him. Phoebe: I’m so jealous you’re all going! I can’t believe I never knew that you can’t fly in your third trimester! Chandler: I didn’t know that. Monica: I never knew that either. Joey: I knew that! (They all look at him) I sooo didn’t know that, but you should see your faces. Rachel: (entering) Hey guys! What’s up? Joey: Heyyy. (They all try and hide their invitations.) Monica: We’re hanging out. (Rachel starts going through her mail, and come across her invitation.) Rachel: What’s this? Is this Ross’s wedding invitation? Chandler: See, maybe that’s the one we should’ve actually hidden. Rachel: Oh, no! No you guys! Come on, you don’t have to do that! I’m happy for him! I am! I really—I’m-I’m happ—I’ll work on it. Monica: I’m sorry honey. Rachel: Yeah. Monica: Rach, you’re gonna come though aren’t you? Rachel: Oh, honey, I don’t know. I… Chandler: This isn’t one of those uh, y’know "If she doesn’t come, we-we don’t, we don’t come?" Right? Because I already bought my ticket… Monica: You know what would be real weird? Is if you weren’t there. Just say you’ll think about it, okay? Rachel: No, I’ll think about it. Yeah. [And with that, we go into another set of clips, this time from Rachel’s point of view.] [The first clip is from The One Where Rachel Finds Out.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's Rachel birthday party and Chandler is about to spill the beans.] Rachel: Who's this from? Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's. Rachel: Oh... [opens it]... [sees it is a pin] Oh my God. He remembered. Phoebe: Remembered what? Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him that it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered! Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. Monica: I can't believe he did this. Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? [Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel.] Rachel: What did you just say? Chandler: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah.... flennin.... Rachel: Oh.... my God. [The next clip is from The One With Ross's New Girlfriend.] [Scene: The airport, Ross is about to walk off of the plane with Julie.] Rachel: (seeing Ross come off the plane with another woman.) Oh my God. [cut to later] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is introducing Julie to the gng.] Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together. Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig. Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? [cut to later] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to hang up on Julie.] Ross: Oh, that is so sweet.(listens) No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three.(He doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet.) Well you didn't hang up either. Rachel: She didn't hang up either... Ross: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y-- (Rachel grabs the phone and hangs it up for him.) [The next clip is from The One Where Ross Finds Out.] [Scene, A Restaurant, Rachel is on her date, drunk, and is leaving that answering machine message.] Rachel: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat...(cut)...I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket] [cut to later] [Scene, Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross is checking his messages.] Ross: Rach, I got a message from you. [Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.] Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.] Ross: You're over me? Rachel: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back] Ross: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me? Rachel: Ohh, ohh. Ross: When, when were you... under me? Rachel: Well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you. [cut to later in the same scene] Ross: OK, I need to lie down. [The next clip is from The One With The List.] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has just broken up with Julie and is about to get with Rachel.] Joey: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes. Rachel: Really? Ross: Really. It's always been you, Rach. Rachel: Oh, god. [Ross and Rachel hug.] Chandler and Joey: Ohhh. [The next clip is from The One Where Ross and Rachel.... You Know.] [Scene: The Auditorium, Ross and Rachel are about to... you know.] Ross: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight. Rachel: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. [They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.] Rachel: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK. Ross: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box. [The next clip is from The One The Morning After.] [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to prevent gn from spilling the beans.] Ross: gn! gn. gn, please tell me you didn’t say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place. gn: I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to? (Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.) [The next clip is from The One At The Beach.] [Scene: The beachhouse, Ross and Rachel are argueing about the breakup.] Ross: Y'know, hey! You’re the one who ended it, remember? Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you! Ross: You still love me? Rachel: Noo. [cut to later] Ross: What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together? Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I don’t know. Ross: What?! Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just... (Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss.) [The next clip is from The One With The Jellyfish.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are finally breaking up for good, or is it?] Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!! Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it) [cut to later] Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!! Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!! [cut back to the present.] [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is deciding on whether or not to go to the wedding.] [cut to another clip, this one is from The One With The Prom Video] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gng is watching the Prom Video and Rachel is about to make her entrance on the video. The italics are portions of the prom video.] MRS. GELLER: Rachel's coming up the path. Doesn't she look pretty. Jack... [Rachel enters with a huge nose] Rachel: Oh my God. Monica: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom. Rachel: Oh. Ross: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this. All: Oh yeah we do. C'mon. MRS. GELLER: Get a sht of Monica. Where's Monica. MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out? [zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is. Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds. Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you? [cut to later] MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off. MR. GELLER: It is off. Right Ross? [pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache] Joey: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter. [cut to later] RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late. MONICA: If you're not going then I don't want to go either. MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom. [cut to later] Ross: Y'know what? I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off. All: No, no, no. Ross: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright. MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go. MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome. MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em. ROSS: [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad. MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining... no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving] RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye. MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off? Monica: I can't believe you did that. Ross: Yeah, well. [Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross] Phoebe: See, he's her lobster. [Cut back to the present, Rachel has made her decision.] Monica: (seeing the decision) Nooooo. You’re really not going? Rachel: Yeah. It’s just gonna be too hard. Y’know? I mean, it’s Ross. How can I watch him get married? Y’know it’s just, it’s for the best, y’know it is, it’s… Y’know, plus, somebody’s got to stay here with Phoebe! Y’know she’s gonna be pretty big by then, and she needs someone to help her tie her shoes; drive her to the hospital in case she goes into labour. Monica: You don’t have a car. And your license expired. Rachel: I know. (Starts to cry) Yeah, see, there’s so much to do and I have so little time to do it in. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are reading a book about things to do whilst in London.] Chandler: All right, check it out. Check this out. It says here that there’s a place you can go to rent videos of all the museums! (Reading from the book.) "It’s almost as good as being there." Joey: It’s better! You can’t go to a museum in your underwear! Chandler: Well, You could, but... probably just the one time. Joey: I bet we could get videos of all the sites, get a VCR in our hotel room... we'd never even have to go outside! Chandler: If we do that, we gotta get Die Hard. Joey: Oh-ho! I bet the British version is gooooood! END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x21 - The One With The Invitation"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Michael Curtis Story by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, the gng is there, Phoebe is returning from the bathroom.] Phoebe: (angrily) That’s like the tenth time I’ve peed since I’ve been here! Monica: That’s also like the tenth time you told us. Phoebe: Yeah, oh I’m sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it’s a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I’m so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, ‘cause—Oh! I’m pregnant! Ross: Pheebs, did…you want a cookie? Phoebe: (starting to cry) Thank you so much. Rachel: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming? Phoebe: I haven’t really had any yet. (Monica, Joey, and Chandler all shake their heads.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are there as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey! Ross: All right, here’s the ring. (Shows Chandler the wedding ring he plans on giving Emily) Chandler: (shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes! Ross: So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet? Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don’t you have to decide who your best man is gonna be? Chandler: Oh, it’s awkward. It’s awkward. It’s awkward. Ross: I sort’ve already asked Chandler. Joey: What?! He got to do it at your first wedding! Ross: Joey, I figured you’d understand. I mean, I-I’ve known him a lot longer. Joey: Come on Ross! Look, I-I don’t have any brothers; I’ll never get to be a best man! Chandler: You can be the best man when I get married. Joey: (pause) I’ll never get to be a best man! Ross: (to Chandler) Wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and I never get to be yours at all? Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you—yeah, of course you get to be my best man. Joey: (impatiently tapping Chandler on the shoulder) What about me?! You-you just said I could! Chandler: I’m not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers! Joey: I can’t believe you’re not picking me. Ross: Hey, how can it not be me?!HeyHey! Chandler: I’m not even… I’m not even… Ross: Fine, y’know what, that’s it. From now on, Joey, I want you to be my best man. Joey: Yes! (to Chandler) Shame about you man. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.] Phoebe: (to her babies) Stop it! Monica: What? Phoebe: One of the babies is kicking. Monica: I thought that was a good thing. Phoebe: It’s not kicking me, it’s kicking one of the other babies. Oh (looks down her dress)! Don’t make me come in there! Joey: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Joey: Do you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow? Monica: Yeah, there’s one right under the cabinet. Joey: (grabs it) Thanks. Monica: Why do you need it? Joey: Oh, we’re having a big party tomorrow night. Later! (Starts for the door.) Rachel: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us? Joey: Nooo, later. (Walks out the door.) Phoebe: Hey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!! (Joey walks back in, scared.) Rachel: Hormones! Monica: What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you’re having a party and we’re not invited? Joey: Oh, it’s Ross’s bachelor party. Monica: Sooo? Joey: Are you bachelors? Monica: Nooo! Joey: Are you strippers? Rachel: Nooo! Joey: Then you’re not invited. (Starts for the door again.) Rachel: All right fine! You’re not invited to the party we’re gonna have either. Joey: Oh-whoa, what party? Rachel: Well umm… Monica: The baby shower for Phoebe! Joey: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I don’t want to do! Later! (Finally, he makes his exit.) Phoebe: I can’t believe I’m gonna have a party! This is so great! (Really excited) A party! (Really, really excited) Yay!! (Suddenly, she starts crying and Rachel moves to comfort her.) I don’t know why. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are talking over party plans.] Joey: This is what I’ve got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor. Ross: Great. Great. Joey: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, I’ve got you, me, and Chandler and I’m gonna invite gn ‘cause, well, we’ve been talking about this pretty loud. gn: I’ll be there. Joey: All right—oh! Listen, I know this is your party, but I’d really like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there. Ross: Yeah. Tell ya what, let’s not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes! Joey: Okay! We’ll need a six-pack of Zima. Chandler: (entering) Hey guys, what are you doing? Ross: Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man. Chandler: Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one. Ross: Yeah, see, I don’t think it’s gonna that difficult considering this one won’t be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut. Chandler: Oh, I’m Ross. I’m Ross. I’m too good for the Hut; I’m too good for the Hut. Ross: Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great Joey, just remember to keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or anything okay? Joey: You got it. Ross: Okay, see ya later. Chandler: See ya. (Ross exits, and Chandler moves over next to Joey, laughing.) Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party. Joey: Well, there’s gonna be strippers there. He didn’t say anything about no strippers. Chandler: He just said, "No strippers." Joey: Oh, I chose not to hear that. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is returning from shopping and Rachel is there.] Monica: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! (She shows Rachel what she bought. She bought a little leather jacket and a little cowboy outfit for the babies.) Can you believe they make these for little people? Rachel: Little village people. Monica: Okay, look at this one. This is my favourite. (It’s a little pink and white dress for the girl baby.) Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet! Monica: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these! Rachel: Huh. Except, Phoebe’s not gonna be the one that gets to dress them. Monica: Because she’s not gonna get to keep the babies. Rachel: Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever! Monica: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she’s done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila. Rachel: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she’s always wanted! Monica: Oh, she’s gonna love that! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe’s baby shower, she is holding those leather pants, and isn’t happy about it.] Phoebe: What the hell is this?! What, did you actually thought it would make me feel better to give me stuff that I can’t use for another two months?! This sucks! All right, what’s my next present?! All: I don’t have anything. (All of the rest of the women there hide their gifts behind their backs.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross’s bachelor party. Ross is thanking Joey for the party.] Ross: Hey listen man, about the stripper… Joey: Yeah? Ross: Good call! Chandler: (banging a spoon against his beer bottle) Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I’ve decided that my best man is, my best friend gn! gn: What’s my last name? Chandler: Central Perk? gn: (to Ross) Thanks for not marrying Rachel. (He starts to leave.) Joey: Oh-whoa-wait, gn don’t-don’t forget your shirt. (He gives gn his shirt and gn leaves.) Ross: Hey-hey, what are those? Joey: Oh, little party favours, check it out! (It’s a shirt that reads, "Ross Geller, Bachelor Bash 1998") Ross: Wow! Yeah! Joey: Oh-oh! (Shows him what’s on the back, "Best Man Joey Tribbiani, with a huge picture of him.) Chandler: (banging on the bottle again) Okay, okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the stripper) so is the position of the bride. The Stripper: Great! Ross: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. (Chandler checks and runs into the bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great. And hey! See you guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks wave at him.) Thanks Joey. Joey: Oh, hey, don’t forget your shirt. Ross: Oh, thanks! (Takes it and throws it back into the box and leaves.) Joey: Okay, hey, museum geeks, party’s over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parent’s basement. All right. (The museum geeks exit and Joey unlocks his door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right. The Stripper: Ohhh, look at the little birdies! Are those yours? Joey: Yeah! The Stripper: Wow, I didn’t know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets. Joey: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. (The duck complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.) Be white. (The duck complies.) The Stripper: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party. Joey: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin’ ya. And listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday… The Stripper: Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night. Joey: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around. The Stripper: Yeah? Joey: Yeah. I’ll let you play with my duck. [Scene: Joey’s bedroom, it’s the middle of the night, he’s waking up and discovers he’s alone in bed.] Joey: Hey, (realises he doesn’t know her name.) stripper! (He notices that the ring box is open, so he picks it up, sees it’s empty and starts to panic.) COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s continued from earlier. Joey is now waking Chandler and telling him the news.] Joey: (running and banging on Chandler’s door) The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring! Chandler: (opening the door) What? Joey: The ring is gone! Chandler: Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this—Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You’re the worst best man ever! Joey: Dude, this isn’t funny! What am I gonna do?! I go to bed last night, everything’s cool! I wake up this morning, the stripper’s gone and the ring is gone! Chandler: You slept with the stripper? Joey: Of course!! (Shrugs.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is entering, Monica and Rachel are talking on the couch.] Phoebe: Hi, guys. Rachel: Hi! Phoebe. (Both Monica and her try to move out of Phoebe’s way.) Monica: Hi Phoebe. Phoebe: I-I wanted to apologise if I—y’know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. Y’know it’s just the hormones, y’know. Rachel: No we… Monica: Hormones. Rachel: …hormones, yeah. Phoebe: Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, it was just, it was so sweet. (She goes to hug them and they both flinch, thinking that Phoebe is about to attck them.) Monica: Wow, you seem to be doing so much better. That’s great. So how-how are things going? Phoebe: Good. Y’know—no-no, okay, it’s-it feels like everything’s been about me lately, so what’s happening with you? Rachel: Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross’s wedding. Phoebe: Oh! Rachel: It just might be too hard, given the history and all that… Phoebe: Wow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him. Rachel: Well, h-how is this like that? Phoebe: Well, let’s see, it’s not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y’know a bunch of y’know high school crap that nobody really gives y’know… Rachel: (starting to cry) I’m-I’m sorry, I just thought that… Phoebe: Alrighty, here come the water works. (Rachel starts crying harder.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is trying to figure out what to do.] Joey: Ugh! I don’t know what I’m going to do! I called the company that sent and th-they don’t care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they laughed at me, if this isn’t an emergency, then what is? Ross: (entering) Hey guys! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey… Ross: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Y’know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so… Joey: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that’s nice! Ross: Yeah, right! Joey: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, I might want to get one of those… Ross: That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her. Chandler: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.) Ross: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life. Chandler: So you might say, it’s a magic ring. Joey: (laughs, softly) Yeah, the stripper stole it. Ross: My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?! How could this all happen?! Chandler: Well, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don’t you be my best man." Ross: (dialling the phone) All right-all right, fine! I-I’m gonna call the cops! Joey: Dude, I screwed up, you don’t have to turn me in! Ross: Not on you! On the stripper! Joey: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said they’re gonna look into it right after they solved all the mrder. Ross: Okay, well, we’ll call the company that sent her! Joey: I did that too! They wouldn’t give me her real name or her number. They said, "If I bothered them again they’d call the police." I said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them I’m missing a ring!" Ross: So what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are you telling me? That there’s nothing we can do? Well, how could this happen?! Joey: Look Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I… Chandler: Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office? Joey: Oh, that sounds like fun, but we’ve got a ring to find!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea.] Monica: Here’s your tea Phoebe. (They give it to her and quickly take a step back.) Phoebe: (sips it) It’s so good. (Monica and Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks. Rachel: Good. Monica: I’m so glad you liked it. Phoebe: (sets the cup down) Oh! (Grabs her stomach in pain.) Monica: What?! Rachel: What?! She made the tea! (Points to Monica.) Phoebe: Oh! No, I-I think I just had a contraction. Rachel: You what? Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Yeah, I thought I had one a couple of minutes ago, and now I know that was definitely one. Monica: Wait, you can’t have the baby here! I mean I haven’t sterilised it since the guys moved out! Rachel: Okay. It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay. Y’know what? It’s okay. I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets! Phoebe: No. It’s all right; it’s probably false labour. They said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book. Monica: Rachel, get the book! The book! Rachel: Okay! (Runs and grabs a book and hands it to Monica.) Okay! Here! Monica: The Bible?! Rachel: I don’t know! [Scene: Chandler’s office, the guys are there waiting to ambush the stripper.] Joey: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won’t recognise you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. (to Ross) You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I’ll be uh, Mr. Wong. Ross: Diverse. (There’s a knock on the door.) The Stripper: Did anybody call for security? Chandler: (to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.) The Stripper: Okay, which one of you guys is gn Central-Perk? (Sees Joey.) Hey, Joey? Ross: Where’s my ring? My dad grandmother’s wedding ring? Where is it? Where is it? Chandler: Way to be cool, man. The Stripper: What’s he talking about? Joey: There was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone! The Stripper: Wait, you guys think I stole some ring? The Guys: Yeah! Ross: We know you took so just-just save yourself the time and confess! The Stripper: Okay, who are you? The Hardy boys? Look, I don’t need to steal some stupid ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I do; any of you guys make that? Chandler: Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler ht him.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the guys are now trying to figure out what next to do, since their plan with the stripper backfired on them.] Joey: I don’t get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didn’t take it, and I didn’t take it; and you (Chandler) didn’t take it, then who did? (The duck quacks.) Shh! We’re trying to think! (Ross and Chandler realise it at the same moment and stare at Joey, who doesn’t get it. After a short pause, with the duck still quacking, Joey figures it out and starts pointing at the duck.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is recovering from her false labour.] Rachel: I still don’t get how you know when it’s false labour. Phoebe: Well, do you see any babies? Monica: How do you feel? Phoebe: Okay, I guess. I mean… I don’t know, it’s just, I guess I know it’s going to be over soon. Rachel: Well, isn’t that a good thing? You said you were sick of this. Phoebe: I know. It’s just y’know usually when you’re, when you’re done with the pregnant thing, y’know, then you get to do the mom thing. I’m gonna be y’know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila. Monica: Some moms do that. Phoebe: Okay that’s even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it’s just that now that they’re in me it’s like, it’s like I know them y’know, I mean-I mean, it’s just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away. Monica: Aww, sweetie, but it’s not like you’re not gonna have anything. You’re gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that’s even better. Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Rachel: No, really. Really, Pheebs, you’re not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they’re bad, y’know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won’t calm down. Y’know? Monica: I mean, you’re the one they’re gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex. Rachel: And you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe! Phoebe: Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool! Monica: Yeah. Rachel: And y’know what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you. Phoebe: They are gonna love me. Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Again. Monica: Oh, sweetie! (They all hug.) Phoebe: You’re the best. Thanks. Oh! Monica and Rachel: What?! Phoebe: Just kidding. Ahh! Rachel: What?! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Got cha again, you guys are so easy. [Scene: The Animal Hospital, the guys have taken the duck in to remove the ring. Joey is pacing around like an expectant father.] Joey: If anything should happen to him… Ross: Joey! The vet said it’s a simple procedure. Joey: So! Things can go wrong! You don’t know! What if he doesn’t make it?! Chandler: He will, Joe. Joey: Yeah, but what if he doesn’t? He’s such a good duck. (With that we go into a little flashback about the guys’ memories of the duck. The first one is Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then it’s Chandler sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls apartment, and Chandler reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was the canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck off of the table. Then it’s Chandler shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls’ apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubby hole in the entertainment-center, then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and it’s concluded with various scenes with the duck flapping it’s wings. And the guys staring into the distance in remembrance of the duck.) Joey: I’m so worried about him, y’know? The Doctor: (coming in from surgery) Somebody lose a ring? Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double-take realising where it’s been.) Joey: H-h-h-how’s the duck? The Doctor: He’s doing just fine, he’s resting now, but you can see him in a little bit. Joey: Ohh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this. Ross: No, that’s all right. Joey: No, it’s not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down! Chandler: Hey, come on, it’s not your fault. Joey: Yeah, it is! You wouldn’t have lost the ring, right? Y’know what, Ross you were right from the start, he (Chandler) should be your best man. Chandler: No, you should. Joey: Now, don’t argue with me… Ross: Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys. Chandler: Really? Joey: Really? Ross: Hey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my… I mean, I’m lucky to have just one good… (They all start getting emotional.) Chandler: Thanks man. Joey: (starting to cry) I gotta go check something over here. (He walks away so that they can’t see him cry.) Chandler: What a baby. Ross: Total wuss! (They both turn and wipe their eyes.) CLOSING CREDITS [There was no closing scene, only a preview of the wedding.] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x22 - The One With The Worst Best Man Ever"}	foreverdreaming
Part I Written by: Michael Borkow Part II Teleplay by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri Part II Story by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin Part I Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Part II Transcribed by: Aaron D. Miller [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are getting ready for the flight to London and Monica comes running in.] Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!! (She runs back to her apartment.) Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That’s a lot of Monica. [Cut to the girls’ apartment, Monica is putting things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel watch.] Monica: Passport, check! (As she puts away each item, she says check.) Camera, check! Traveller’s cheques, check! Rachel: Who are you saying "check" too? Monica: Myself. Y’know for remembering to pack a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get a check! (pause) My mom does it, I never realized it was weird. Phoebe: Yeah, my mom used to put her head in the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one time. But it was pretty weird. Ross: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Are you ready yet? Monica: Yep! You got the tickets? Ross: Oh! Got ‘em right here, (Pats his coat pocket) check! [Cut to the guys’ apartment.] Joey: It’s all London, baby! Here we go. (He takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler and starts towards the girls’ apartment.) Chandler: You got your passport? Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser. You don’t want to lose that. (Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesn’t know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.) Joey: Ohh!! (Runs to his room.) Chandler: There it is. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, Monica is telling Phoebe where everything is.] Monica: Okay, if you need the vacuum, it’s in my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator… Phoebe: Okay, okay, but Rachel’s gonna be here too, can’t I just ask her this stuff? Monica: Yeah, okay, give that a try! Chandler: (entering, with Joey) All right! Let’s do it! Joey: Woo-hoo!! Ross: Yeah, cheerie-o! Joey: London baby! Chandler: Okay, ‘cause that’s not gonna get annoying. Joey: (louder) London baby!! Chandler: Hey, y’know what? I was wrong. Ross: Well, we’re all here! I guess we should get going! Phoebe: Ohhh, I wanna come over there and give you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding, but I don’t—can’t get up. Ross: Oh, I’ll-I’ll come hug you. Phoebe: Great! Yeah, could you bring me the newspaper? Ross: Yeah. (He does so and Phoebe hugs him.) Phoebe: Oh, have a great wedding! Ross: Thanks. Phoebe: Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too! Chandler: Hey! (Trots over) Phoebe: Oh, and great! You might as well bring me my book, it’s on the counter in your apartment. Chandler: Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebe’s book as Rachel comes in from her room.) Ross: (to Rachel) So, we’re off. Rachel: Have fun! Ross: Thanks! (They hug.) Ugh, I can’t believe you’re not gonna be there! Rachel: Oh, I know. Ross: So-so come! Why don’t you come? Rachel: What?! Ross: To London! Come to London. Please? It’ll mean so much to me. Rachel: Yeah, well, I gotta work, I’m sorry. Ross: Why-why can’t you take a couple of days off? Rachel: Because, I can’t! Ross, I told you, no. I can’t. Ross: This is my wedding. Monica: All right, y’know what? We really are late! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!! Ross: Fine. You’ll-you’ll watch it on video when we get back. Chandler: (entering, with Phoebe’s book.) Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo. Phoebe: (laughs) Thank you. (Chandler kneels down with his arms spread waiting for his hug. Phoebe: Thank you. (She pats him on his head.) Ross: All right, let’s go! Bye, Pheebs! Joey: Bye, Pheebs! (They all start out, Rachel gives each one a kiss, and says "bye." In the hall, Joey says…) Joey: London baby!! (And Rachel slowly closes the door, sadly.) Phoebe: Oh, do you need a hug? You don’t have to bring me anything! (And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves it’s entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shts of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.) [Scene: Street in front of the London Marriott, Joey and Chandler exit. Joey is carrying a video camera and is shting Chandler.] Joey: Come on! Do something! Chandler: I am, I’m ignoring you. Joey: Okay, here! (Gives him the camera.) I wanna be the on camera guy. All right, first stop, Westminster Abbey. (Joey folds out his "pop-up" map of London. All of the major landmarks pop-up like in a pop-up book.) Chandler: Oh, what the hell is that? Joey: It’s London, baby! All right, the hotel’s here. (Points to the map.) Wait. No, we wanna go… No. I know. (Sets the map down.) I’m gonna have to go into the map. (So Joey literally steps into the map.) Chandler: Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? kll it! Joey: I got it! (Picks up the map and starts walking.) Here we go. Chandler: Okay. Listen-listen, we’re not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we? Joey: Shhh! (Pause) Man, you made me lose it! (He goes into the map again.) [Scene: Another street, somewhere along the River Themes, Ross, Emily, and Monica are walking to where they’re gonna get married. Emily is relating the troubles with the caterer.] Emily: …and that was all before 10 o’clock. The caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. And then the florist phoned to say there aren’t any tulips. Oh, and the chilliest has carpel-tunel syndrome. We’re not gonna be… Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, (Gives her the time-out signal.) honey, okay? Emily: Well, up yours too! Ross: What?! No! No! That’s-that’s time-out! Emily: Sorry. Ross: Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everything’s gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on. Monica: Chicken Kiev? Ross: Um-hmm! Doesn’t that sound delicious at the last minute? Monica: Yeah, y’know, but something like salmon which would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldn’t have to worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.) So, I can’t wait to see this place you’re getting married! Ross: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emily’s parents got married here. Emily: I still can’t believe they’re tearing it down. It really is the most lovely building you’ll ever see. I mean it’s over… (She stops suddenly, when she sees that demolition has already started.) Oh my God! Monica: It’s nice. Emily: Oh. Oh. (She starts running towards the building.) [Cut to inside.] Emily: (running in, with Ross) Oh. Oh my God. How can this be happening? What are we going to do? Ross: It’s all right! Everything’s gonna be all right. Emily: How’s it gonna be all right?! Ross: Uh-huh, I see that. Monica: (entering) Okay, I talked to the guy with the shovel and I found out what happened. Ross: What? What? Monica: They torn it down a few days early. [Scene: Westminster Abbey, Joey and Chandler have successfully navigated the streets of London and are approaching the Abbey.] Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I’ve ever seen. Hey! (Pushes Chandler in front of the camera.) Okay. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler? Chandler: I think it’s great. It’s great. Y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place. Joey: Really? To what? Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!! Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby. (He starts chasing Chandler towards the Abbey.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is trying to move off of the couch as Rachel enters.] Phoebe: Oh. Oh. Rachel: Oh, honey! Don’t get up! What do you need? Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing. Rachel: Come on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything. Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie. Rachel: Okay, that is all you. Phoebe: So-so, what do you want for lunch? Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. I guess we have to eat. Phoebe: Yeah, I do. What’s the matter? Rachel: I’m just bummed about the way I left things with Ross. I shouldn’t have lied to him about having to work. He seemed so mad at me. Phoebe: Eh, don’t be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love with was getting married… Rachel: (interrupting) Still in love with?! Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: I’m not in love with Ross! Phoebe: Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither. Rachel: Phoebe, I’m going to Ross’s wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, I’m still in love with him! I mean, hey, y’know, I like Ross as much as the next guy, y’know? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings don’t mean love! I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesn’t mean that-that I’m still in love with him. Y’know? I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love him—Ohh! Oh my God! Oh my—why didn’t you tell me?!! Phoebe: We thought you knew! Rachel: We?! Phoebe: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time! Rachel: You all know? Does Ross know? Phoebe: Oh no, Ross doesn’t know anything. Rachel: Oh, I can not believe you didn’t tell me! Phoebe: Well, because we thought you knew!! It’s so obvious! God, that would be like telling Monica, "Hey, you like things clean." [Scene: A park in London, Joey and Chandler walk up to a souvenir stand.] Joey: Hey! The Vendor: So, what are you guys in the market for? We’ve got uh, scarves, tulip post cards... Joey: Check this out? Huh? (Joey has this big tall hat with a British flag on the front of it.) Yeah. That’s the stuff. What do you think? Chandler: Well, I don’t have to buy that, "I’m with stupid" T-shirt anymore. Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for the hat.) Chandler: All right, look, you’re not really gonna buy that are you? Don’t you think you’ve embarrassed me enough for one day? Joey: Oh, I embarrass you? Chandler: How can I answer that when I’m pretending I don’t know you? The Vendor: He’s just jealous. You’ll fit right in; all Londoners wear them! Chandler: Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them? The Vendor: (looks around) They’re all tourists. Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y’know, you’re gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself. Joey: Oh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) If you’re gonna make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat. The Vendor: Good choice. Joey: Thanks. Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, that’s it, okay, I’m out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.) [Scene: The hotel, Ross’s room, Emily is entering.] Emily: Hello? Ross: Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you know what? He seems to think we’ll be able to find a new place for the wedding. Emily: We don’t have to. Ross: Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place? Emily: No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-and I was so upset about the hall being knocked down, and she suggested that we put the wedding off for a bit. Ross: She said what? Emily: She said, "If I’m not gonna be happy getting married somewhere that we find in a day, well then we should just postpone it." Ross: Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica realises how much our parents spent on this wedding? Do you my sister’s teeny-tiny little brain comprehends that people took time out of their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here, huh? (He puts his pants on backwards.) This isn’t right. Emily: I realize that people are going to be disappointed. But, I’m sure they’ll come back when we can do it right. Ross: I can’t ask people to do that? Would you ask people to do that? (Holds out his pants) Emily: Don’t you point your pants at me! (She throws them on the floor.) We have no choice! Anywhere that’s half-decent would’ve be booked months ago, Ross don’t you understand? This is our wedding I’m talking about. Ross: The only thing I understand is; postponing it is not an option. This is when we’re getting married. Emily: So what are you saying? It’s now or never? Ross: No. I’m saying it’s now. (He starts putting on his pants, backwards again.) Emily: Or? Ross: There’s no ‘or’ in mind. What is wrong with these pants?!! Emily: It’s not the pants. It’s you that is backwards. And if, and if you don’t understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldn’t get married at all! (She storms out.) Ross: (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No, wait, stop! Emily, please—(He catches something important in the zipper and howls like a little boy and falls to the floor.) COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the couch as Rachel returns carrying a bunch of shopping bags.] Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: (depressed) Hi. Phoebe: So, did shopping make you feel any better about Ross? Rachel: Manhattan does not have enough stores. Phoebe: Well, I think I can help you get over him. Rachel: You can? Phoebe: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross. Rachel: Um-hmm. Phoebe: And a small piece of chocolate. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers up all of these things.) Rachel: Ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt and hang it from a north-facing tree? Phoebe: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the chocolate is for me. I just didn’t feel like getting up. Okay, I’m gonna show you a picture of Ross. Okay? And you’re going to remember all of the bad things about him. All right? Really focus on his flaws. Rachel: I can do that. I certainly did it when we were going out. Phoebe: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think he’s such a great guy. Here. (Hands her the picture, Rachel grabs it out of her hand.) Okay, now, close your eyes. And imagine that you’re with Ross okay and imagine that you’re kissing him. And you’re-you’re running your hands all over his body. And then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it’s some kind of grease, it’s—uck! Hah? Rachel: I don’t know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, and y’know it was always more crunchy than it was greasy. Phoebe: Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought. Umm, let’s try some uh, aversion therapy. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Okay? Rachel: All right. Phoebe: So uh, now look at the picture… Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: All right, and umm… (She grabs the picture and smacks her in the head.) Rachel: Ow! Phoebe: Okay, how do you feel now? Rachel: Well, I like you less! [Scene: Chandler and Joey’s hotel room. Chandler is watching TV as Joey returns, still wearing his hat.] Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. (He nods at the hat.) Joey: Oh. (Takes off the hat.) Sorry! Chandler: No-no-no, y’know what? I really shouldn’t have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn’t cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I’ve had a really lousy day. Joey: Me too. Chandler: Yeah? Joey: Noo!! I’ve had the best day ever! Dude, check this out! Monica: (entering) Hey! Joey: Sh-shh-shh! (He motions for her to watch something he has taped.) [Cut to the tape Joey made in front of some famous place in London with a rather famous English-type person.] Joey: (on tape) Okay, so say hi to my friend and tell him that you like the hat. Fergie: (Yep, Sarah, the Duchess of York) Okay, so umm, what’s your friend’s name? Joey: (on tape) Oh, Chandler. Fergie: Hi Chandler! (Waves) Chandler: That’s… That’s was… Monica: Oh my God! Joey: That’s Fergie baby!! Fergie: Joey says you don’t really like his hat, but I think it’s kinda dashing. Chandler: How did you? How? How? Joey: Well, I was trying to figure out how to get to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I’m in my map and-and…(Ross enters) Hey! Monica: Hey! Ross: Hi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily. Monica: (laughs) Yes, I did! And you are welcome! Ross: Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?! Monica: Umm… Chandler: I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Joey: Wait up! (They both run to the bathroom.) Ross: Hey-hey, since you’re the ‘fix-it’ lady, here’s a pickle, what do you do when the bride says she doesn’t want to have the wedding at all? Monica: She said that?! Ross: Yeah. Monica: Why?! Ross: I don’t know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out. Monica: Oh my God. You’re even dumber than I am! Ross: Excuse me? Monica: Ross, how long have you been planning this wedding? Ross: I don’t know. A month? Monica: Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That’s what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry), with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was. Ross: I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing the flying nun. Monica: Sometimes we were. Ross: Come on. You gotta help me figure out what to do. Okay? Monica: Okay. Ross: Come on. (They leave and Chandler sticks his head out.) Chandler: That was pretty intense huh? Joey: Yeah. (Pause) Hey, I hope Ross didn’t think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here! Chandler: (glares at him) I hope he did! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and Phoebe answers it.] Phoebe: Hello. Joey: (on phone) Hey, Pheebs! It’s Joey! Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on the—that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say ‘hi!’ but then I figured, he doesn’t care if he looks like you. Joey: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing? Phoebe: Ohh, they’re having a great time with their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn’t been helpful at all. So, do you miss me? Joey: Kinda, but I’ve just been having way too much fun. Phoebe: So you’re not homesick yet? Joey: No, I don’t think so. Phoebe: All right, the seven of us miss you. Joey: Who’s seven? Phoebe: Y’know, me, Rachel, the birds, the babies… Joey: Ahh, the babies miss me? (There is a knock on Rachel and Phoebe’s door.) Phoebe: Ooh, the pizza guy’s here! Joey: What? You ordered pizza without me?! Phoebe: Yeah. But y’know we were thinking about you, y’know we ordered the Joey Special. Joey: Two pizzas?! Phoebe: Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later. Joey: Wait, well, where did you get it from?! (Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, he’s happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.) [Scene: Ross and Emily’s planned wedding place, Monica is dragging Emily in.] Emily: Monica, why have you brought me here of all places?! Monica: You’ll see. Emily: I tell you, this wedding is not going to happen. (At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to light the place up.) Emily: Oh God. Ross: Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights, okay? And-and y’know fewer bricks, and-and-and flowers, and candles… Monica: And the musicians, look, they can go over here (Points to a little alcove), okay? And the chairs can face this way (Points), and… (Points to Ross) You go. Ross: But-but, if you don’t love this, we’ll do it in any other place at any other time. Really, it’s fine, whatever you want. Emily: It’s perfect. Ross: And, I don’t know, if it starts to rain… Emily: Well then we’ll get wet. (They kiss.) Monica: Ohh. And I don’t even have a date. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is in her bedroom.] Rachel: Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: Do you remember where the duck food is? Phoebe: Yeah, it’s in the guys’ apartment under the sink. Why? Rachel: (enters with a bag packed) Because I’m going to London. Phoebe: What?! What do you mean you’re going to London? Rachel: Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him. Now honey, you take care, you don’t have those babies until I get back. (Kisses her stomach.) Phoebe: I—Rachel, you can’t go! Ross loves Emily! Rachel: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision. Phoebe: That’s not why you’re going! You’re going because you hope he’s gonna say, "Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy." Rachel: Ohh—Do you think he will?! Phoebe: No! Because he’s in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you’re just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! Y’know, it’s too late! You missed you’re chance! I’m sorry, I know this must be really hard, it’s over. Rachel: Y’know what? No. It’s not over until someone says, "I do." (Exits) Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the hall, but Rachel doesn’t stop.) I do! (Gives up.) Ugh, like I can really chase you. I’m carrying a litter. COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Moving sht towards The Waltham House. A phone is ringing.] Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence. Phoebe: Oh...yes..is this..umm..Emily’s Parents’ house. Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking. And by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses oneself on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak. Phoebe: (In a British accent) This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it’s not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak to Miss Emily Waltham, please? Housekeeper: Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it’s not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye. Phoebe: No no no, I’ll be nice, I swear!!! Could you just give me the number for where they are? Housekeeper: I’m afraid, I’m not at liberty to divulge that information. Phoebe: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody, alright. So if you don’t give me that number then I’m going to come over there and kick your snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire. Housekeeper: Hangs up. Phoebe: Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I could kick her ass. [Scene: Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross and Emily are standing in the reception area. Monica arrives with her parents.] Monica: Hey. Ross: (Ross hugs his mom and dad)Hi. Mom. Dad. Mrs. Geller: Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube. Mr. Geller: (embarrassed) Judy, the kids.. Mrs. Geller: Jack, that’s what they call the subway. Mr. Geller: Ohh, I thought that you.... Ross and Monica: Dad, dad. We got it!! We Got It!!! Emily: Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum. Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and Andrea Waltham. Mr. Waltham: (Shaking everyone's hand.) Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.) Darling it’s the Gellers. (She pays no attention she’s talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder) Darling, it’s the Gellers. (She’s still not responding.) She’s very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her. Mrs. Waltham: (Looking evilly at her husband) Sorry, what? Mr. Waltham: It’s the Gellers! Mrs. Waltham: Where? Mr. Waltham: Well there’s one (pointing towards Jack) and there’s another (pointing towards Judy). Mrs. Waltham: Lovely to meet you. Mr. Waltham: Terribly nice of you to offer to pay for half the wedding. (He hand a multipage bill to Jack.) Mr. Geller: Ohh forget it. Too hell with tradition, we’re happy to do it. Mrs. Geller: We know how expensive weddings can be, besides this may be the only wedding we get to throw (patting Monica on the shoulder.). Monica: Ha ha, a joke that’s funny in all countries. (Ross quickly directs the families to their tables.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey are standing by the kitchen entrance. A waiter comes out.] Waiter: Sir? (Looking at Joey.) Joey: What’s in it? Waiter: Goat cheese, water chestnuts, and panchetta. (Joey Looks down disgustingly at the food.) Joey: (Looking up at the waiter)That’s not food...No, I don’t, no...(Taps Chandler on the shoulder.) Everything's different here...I want to go home. I...I miss my family. I miss the coffee house. I can’t even remember what Phoebe looks like. Chandler: Joey, it’s been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself. Joey: (Pointing at Chandler.) Your different here too. Your mean in England. (Chandler throws his hands up to his head in frustration. They walk away from each other.) [Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross, Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there.] Mr. Geller: (Looking at ht wedding bill.) What the hell!!! Ross: what’s up, Dad? Mr. Geller: This bill for my half of the wedding. it’s insane. Mrs. Geller: How could it be so much? The receptions at their house. Mr. Geller: (Pointing items out on the bill.) Flowers, liquor, recarpet first floor. New guest bath, landscaping. I’m paying to remodel this guys house. (Angrily gets up.) I’m going to give that son on a bitch, a piece of my mind. Ross: (Holding him back.)Dad, dad, please. Look I don’t want anything to upset Emily tonight. Alright, she's had a hard enough couple of days as it is. (Picks up the bill.) Now here, here, let me go talk to him, okay? Mr. Geller: And you tell him no one takes advantage of the Gellers. Mrs. Geller: Ooh, Jack....(He looks over to her) Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be. (They embrace and kiss passionately.) Monica: (Looking nauseous from her parents kissing.) And I’m going to go get drunk. (Gets up to get a drink.) [Scene: An airport in New York.] Rachel: (Running to the ticket counter) Ooh, ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. (Slightly out of breath) Hi. Ticket Agent: (Cheerfully.) Hello. Rachel: (Faking cheerfulness.) Hello. Umm, when is your next flight to London? Ticket Agent: (looking at her computer terminal) There’s one leaving in thirty minutes. Rachel: Ohh, good. Ticket Agent: And I do have one seat left. Rachel: Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Ticket Agent: The last minute fare on this ticket is twenty seven hundred dollars. Rachel: (looking through her wallet.) Ohh, I just don’t think I have enough left on my credit card. Ticket Agent: Well you can split it with another credit card. Rachel: Ohh, okay, how about five. (She hands her all the credit cards.) Ohh, thank you. Ticket Agent: I’m just going to need to see your passport. Rachel: (Looking through her purse.) Okay, you know what? I don’t have it, but I can tell you exactly where it is on my night stand, and...okay. But you know what? I have my drivers license and I have a twenty. (She slides it across the counter.) Ticket Agent: (Slides the twenty back and tosses her credit card onto the counter.) [Scene: The Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross is at the Walthams’ table discussing the bill.] Ross: Look, face it, my father is not going to pay for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to get you the new lawn. Mr. Waltham: Ahh, then you have to give us the lawn ornaments. Ross: I go back there with lawn ornaments, he’s going to laugh in my face. Mrs. Waltham: This is ridiculous. I mean we had an agreement. (Ross looks frustrated. She begins to scream at her husband.) Will you say something, Steven?! Please!!! Mr. Waltham: Don’t take that tone with me. (She looks evilly at him.) All-all right you can. (He looks over at Ross and Shrugs.) [Scene: The Girls apartment. Phoebe is dialing the phone and Rachel runs in the door.] Rachel: (Running to her room.) Hi, Pheebs. Phoebe: (Looking relieved. She puts down the phone.) Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be alone, and you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and... Rachel: (Running back out the door with her passport.) Bye, Pheebs. Phoebe: (Trying to get up.) Wait!! Where are you going?! What are you doing?! No!! Wait!! (Not able to get up.) God!! Why am I always pregnant when she does that?! [Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler, Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to make a toast.] Chandler: I’d like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or Melba toast, if you will. (No one in the room laughs. He starts to get flustered.) Okay. I known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend. (Ross looks embarrassed.) And I thought things were going to work out for him..Until the day he over inflated her. (He laughs. Jack looks at Judy and no one in the room laughs.) Ohh, Dear God.. (A cellular phone rings.) Mrs. Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors. Phoebe: Oh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak with ether one of the best men, or Ross’s sister Monica. Mrs. Waltham: Who is this? Phoebe: Oh, I’m Phoebe Buffay. I’m one of Ross’s best friends. Mrs. Waltham: Well, if you’re on e of Ross’s best friends, why aren’t you here? Phoebe: Yeah, um, I can’t fly. I’m having my brother’s babies. Mrs. Waltham: Oh, am I on the radio? Phoebe: No..umm, could I talk to one of them? It’s very very important. Mrs. Waltham: No, I’m bored with you now. I’m going to cut you off. (She hangs up.) Phoebe: Ohh! Okay, I’m going to have to kick her ass too. Chandler: (Continuing his toast.) And I’m sure we’re all very excited that Ross and Emily are getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean to think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall. (No reaction from the people.) Ohh, come on!! Monty Hall!! Lets make a Deal!! Come on, you people!! All right, forget it!! Congratulations, Ross and Emily. (He sits down.) Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now I’m not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home...Home...New York City...Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love you guys. (pointing at everyone.) But not as much as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could we please..go home now? (One of the bridesmaids, Felicity, puts her arm around Joey.) Felicity: (Putting her arm around Joey.) Are you going home? I was hoping to get to know you better. Joey: (Putting his arm around her.) I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart. [Scene: Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa. Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment because of the toast.] Monica: I was laughing. (Patting him on the knee.) Chandler: Out loud? Monica: Well I didn’t want everyone to think I was stupid. Chandler: So how are you doing? Monica: My mother’s driving me crazy, but Ross is getting married. I’m happy. (A drunken man approaches.) I’m not going to let anything spoil that. Drunk Man: I just want to say that Ross is a wonderful young man. Monica: Well, thanks, we like him. Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a teenage when you had him. (Monica stares straight forward after the comment. Chandler tries to console her by patting her on the shoulder.) (Ross and Emily’s parents are seated at a table. Ross is between them and they are discussing the wedding bill.) Mr. Geller: There’s no way in hell, I’m paying for it. Ross: Look, were down to just one point. Could we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding. Mr. Geller: All-right fine, but I just want to say, I’m not paying for your wine cellar. You thieving, would be speaking German if it weren’t for us, cheap little man. (Emily’s stepmum looks shocked. Jack and Judy get up and leave.) (Chandler’s trying to console Monica.) Chandler: The guy was hammered, okay? There’s no way, you look like Ross’s mother. Monica: Then why would he say it? Chandler: Because he’s crazy. Okay? He came up to me earlier and thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic. Monica: Oh, my mother’s right. I’m never going to get married. Chandler: Ahh, you know what? That is....Who wouldn’t want you? Monica: Ohh, Please?! I’m a single mom, with a thirty year old son!! [Scene: The airport. Rachel runs up to the ticket counter.] Rachel: Hi, I’m back. Listen, I need to... Ticket Agent: Hello. Rachel: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o'clock flight. Ticket Agent: Oh I’m afraid that plane has already pulled away from the gate. Rachel: Okay, you know what/ You’re going to have to call that plane and tell them to swing around and come and pick me up. Ticket Agent: I can’t do that. Rachel: Sure, you know what? Come on, we’ll just tell them that there was like a problem with like the "engine". Ticket Agent: I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to step aside, Miss. Rachel: Look, If I don’t get to London!! He is going to marry that other girl!!! Ticket Agent: I can’t imagine why. Rachel: All right, you know what? I am not leaving here, until you call that plane back!! (She pounds her hand on the counter twice. The ticket agent counters by placing the closed sign on the counter and tapping it twice.) [Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Ross bursts into the room.] Ross: (Screaming) I’m getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!! Chandler: (With the covers pulled up to his chin.) Morning, Ross. Ross: I’m getting married, to..day!! Chandler: Yeah you are!! Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door. Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.) COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Chandler and Monica are lying in the bed together talking. There’s an awkward air between them. They are both clutching the covers in from of them.] Chandler: Well I’ve-I’ve never done that with you before. Monica: (In am uneasy voice.) Nope. (She chuckles uneasily.) Chandler: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya...How ya... You okay? Monica: Yep, yep...You? Chandler: Yes...Yes..Uh-huh, You?(Looking over at her. She looks back.) We did you. Monica: Well...I’d better get going. Chandler: Oh yea yea, absolutely. Monica: (Scoots towards the side of the bed.) Could you not look? Chandler: I don’t want to look. [Scene: The Virgin Atlantic flight to London that Rachel is on.] Rachel: Ohhh.(she rhythmically taps her hands on the magazine on her lap.) Passenger: Ahh, ahh, excuse me. Rachel: Yeah? Passenger: If you’re planning on doing that throughout the entire flight. Please tell me now. So that I could that a sedative...or perhaps slip you one. Rachel: Oh. I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. Sorry. (She hums and sighs happily.) It’s just, I’m ahh, I’m kinda excited. I’m, ahh, going to London to ahh, tell this guy that I love him and... (He puts his headphones on to ignore her.) [Scene: Joey enters his hotel room. The phone is ringing.] Joey: Hello? Phoebe: (Angrily.) Hey, were the hell have you been?! Joey: Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is so... Phoebe: I don’t want to hear about her!! Joey: Ahh Pheebs, you know you’re still my number one girl. Phoebe: No! No, we have an emergency. Okay? Rachel’s coming to London. Joey: Ohh great!!! Phoebe: No it’s not great. No, she’s coming to tell Ross that she loves him. Joey: (Confused.) But, he loves Emily? Phoebe: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop her!! She’s going to ruin the wedding!! Joey: Okay. Phoebe: All right, so, okay... Joey: Hold on. Hold on. (Picking up a note pad and writing and reading the message aloud.) Rachel coming. Do...Something. Phoebe: Okay, so I’m done my part, okay. It’s your responsibility now, okay. The burden is off me, right? Joey: Right! Phoebe: So tell me about this girl? (The guys hotel room. Joey’s there. Chandler comes out of the bathroom in a robe.) Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Joey: Have you seen Monica? Chandler: (Very defensive.) I’m not seeing Monica. Joey: (With a confused look on his face.) What? Chandler: What? Joey: Look we’ve got to find her. Phoebe just called!! Rachel’s coming to tell Ross she loves him!! Chandler: Oh my god! Joey: I know! That’s why we got to find Monica!! You know where she is? Chandler: No!! Okay!! What’s with the third degree?! Why don’t you just shine a light in my eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.) [Scene: The plane. Rachel's telling her story to the passenger on her left. The one on her left is still wearing his headphones.] Rachel: ...And so then I realized. All this stuff I had been doing. proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn’t come to the wedding. Was all just a way of... Passenger: (Frustrated he takes his headphones off.) Oh, oh oh!! I’m sorry, can I interrupt? You know I just want to say..That you are a horrible, horrible person. Rachel: Ehh, pardon me? Passenger: You say you love this man, yet you’re about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I’m afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs.. This is a..this is a...terrible, terrible plan. Rachel: But he has to know how I feel! Passenger: But why? He loves this...this Emily person. No good can come of this. Rachel: (Sighing) Well I-I think your wrong. Passenger: Oh-no.(He bites his fist at her.)And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break. (Rachel gasps and doesn’t know what to say. He puts his headphones back on.) [Scene: The church where Ross and Emily are to be married. Judy, Andrea, and Monica enter together.] Mrs. Geller: (Looking around at the chapel.) Oh my God! It’s like a fairyland. Mrs. Waltham: I know, it’s horrible isn’t it? Monica: Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good. Mrs. Geller: I just hope... Monica: (Angrily.) You can let some of them go by!(Judy and Andrea go to the front of the chapel. Joey approaches Monica.) Joey: (Whispering.) Pisst, Monica. Alright, we really need to start looking out for Rachel. I’ll cover the front door. You watch that big hole at the back of the building and I got Chandler covering Ross. Monica: (Awkwardly.) Why would I care where Chandler is? You know uhh...You know sometimes I don’t even like Chandler. Joey: Okay. (They both walk off to watch for Rachel.) (Ross and chandler are standing next to the alter. Ross is practicing for the wedding.) Ross: (Using a slightly different inflection for each.) I do. I do. I do. Chandler: Oh yea, your right. It’s the second one. Ross: (Very Nervous)Really? [Scene: Joey’s in the front entrance watching for Rachel. The bridesmaid he met at the rehearsal dinner come in.) Felicity: (In a sexy voice.)Hello Joey. Joey: Hey, Felicity. Felicity: Umm, I thought about you all day. Joey: Yeah. Felicity: Um-hum. Talk New York to me again. Joey: (In a New York accent.) Fuggetaboutit. (She giggles.) How you doin? Felicity: Mmm. (She pushes him up against the wall and they begin to kiss.) Joey: Oh, yeah. (Back in the chapel. The parents are still fighting over the bill. Ross is refereeing.) Mrs. Geller: There’s nothing to discuss. We’re not paying for your wine cellar. Mr. Waltham: (Pleading.) You-you have to meet me in the middle here. Mr. Geller: (Forcefully.) Hey, you keep pushing me on this, my foots going to meet the middle of your ass. Ross: Dad!! (Emily comes running in.) Emily: What-what’s going on?! Ross: Nothing, nothing. Everything's under control. Mr. Waltham: You want a piece of me, sir? Is that what your saying? (Pointing at Jack and poking him) You want a piece of me? Ross: (Stepping in between them.)Okay! Okay! That’s it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All right, this is our wedding day! From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word. NO GRANDCHILDREN! (Pointing at his mother.) That’s right!! Mr. Geller: Okay, okay. Mr. Waltham: Sorry old boy, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (Them all walk away. As he leaves he mutters to Jack.) I could kll you with my thumb, you know. Emily: What was all that about? Ross: (Sighing.) It was...This disagreement over...(She sighs. Ross notices her in her wedding dress.) My god. You...you look beautiful. Emily: (Giggles.) Ohh...(She realizes that she’s in her gown.) Oh! You were not meant to see me before the wedding. It’s bad luck. Ross: You know what, I think we’ve had all the bad luck we’re going to have. (He hugs her.) (The front entrance. Joey and the bridesmaid are up against the wall kissing. Rachel comes in the door and walks by Joey unnoticed. She walks into the chapel and sees Ross and Emily kissing. She looks as though she wants to cry. Emily walks away and Ross turns and sees Rachel standing there.) Ross: My God. Rachel! (He walks towards her, grasps her hands and kisses her on the cheek.) Your here. I can’t believe it. (She giggles.) What happen? Why are you here? Rachel: Well I just came...(She touches him near his heart. She’s almost in tears.) I just needed to tell you...(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can barely hold back the tears.) [Scene: Camera fades to one of the band members playing guitar at the wedding. The chapel is full of guest. A groomsmen escorts a bridesmaid down the isle. Joey is waiting with Mrs. Waltham to escort he down the isle. A cellular phone rings.] Mrs. Waltham: (Answering the phone.) Hello, Waltham Interiors. Phoebe: Mrs. Waltham. Hi. It’s Phoebe again. Mrs. Waltham: (Throws her head back in disgust.) Why?! Phoebe: Yea. Can I please, please, please talk to one of the best men? This is going to be the last time I promise. Mrs. Waltham: (Slapping the phone into Joey’s chest.) Joey there’s a girl on the phone for you. Joey: (Smiling.) Ohh great!! (Putting the phone to his ear.) Hello. (He begins to escort her down the aisle.) Phoebe: Did you stop Rachel? Joey: No, but it’s okay. She just came in and gave him a hug, that it. Phoebe: So nothing got ruined? Joey: No. Phoebe: Oh that’s so great! Ohh, so what’s going on now? Joey: Ah, I’m-I’m walking down the aisle...Still walking. (Mrs. Waltham takes her place.) I’m about to pass the bridesmaid I hooked up with last night. (Looking at the bridesmaid.) Hey! (Talking to Phoebe.) I told her "Hey." And now I’m at the front with Ross. It’s Phoebe. (He shows Ross the phone.) He looks pretty mad. Uh...I’d better go. Phoebe: No!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it up so I can listen. (Joey looks at Ross and holds the phone above Ross’s shoulder.) (Chandler escorts Monica down the aisle.) Chandler: What we did last night was.... Monica: Stupid. Chandler: Totally crazy stupid. (He nods his head at the people seated.) Monica: What were we thinking? Chandler: I’m coming over tonight though, right? Monica: Oh yeah. Definitely. (They quickly take their places and Here Comes the Bride Begins to play. Everyone seated looks back. Emily is being escorted up the aisle by her father. She kisses him on the cheek and takes her place by Ross’s side.) Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily... Emily: I, Emily... Minster: Take thee Ross... Emily: Take thee Ross... Minster: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us. Emily: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Minster: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross... Ross: I Ross... Minister: Take thee, Emily... Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily. Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on? (Rachel looks all around as if all the eyes in the chapel were looking at her as the picture fades to black.) CLOSING CREDITS THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x23 - 04x24 - The One With Ross\u2019s Wedding Parts I and II"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Ross’s Wedding, continued from last season, the Minister is about to marry Ross and Emily.] Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. (Time lapse) Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross... Ross: I Ross... Minister: Take thee, Emily... Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily. Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on? Rachel: (To the woman sitting in front of her) He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there? Emily: Yes, yes, do go on. Minister: I think we’d better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross… Ross: I, Ross… Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY… Ross: Take thee, (Glares at the Minister) Emily. (Chuckles) Like there’d be anybody else. (Emily is glaring at him.) Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us. Ross: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. (Points at her.) Minister: May I have the rings? (He is given the rings) Emily, place this ring on Ross’s finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in Emily’s hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever. Ross: Happy too. Minister: Ross and Emily have made their declarations and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife. Ross: Yay! Minister: You may kiss the bride. (He goes to kiss her, but she isn’t very receptive of the kiss. She keeps avoiding him, until Ross finally gets to kiss her on her cheek.) Mrs. Geller: (To Mr. Geller) This is worse than when he married the lesbian. (The band starts to play, and the recessional starts. Ross tries to take Emily’s hand, but she snatches it away from him.) Emily: Just keep smiling. Ross: Okay. Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah. Chandler: It could’ve been worse, he could’ve sht her. (Ross and Emily make it to the lobby.) Ross: (laughs) That uh, that was pretty funny. Wasn’t it? (Emily gives him a forearm sht across the stomach.) Opening Credits [Scene: The Wedding reception, Ross and Emily are in the bathroom and Emily is yelling at him. Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are standing outside the doorway.] Emily: (Yelling from inside the bathroom) You’ve spoiled everything! It’s like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?! Joey: (To the gng) Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right? Ross: (exiting the bathroom) That-that-that’s all right, no honey, you take your time sweetie. I’ll be right out here. (She slams the door in his face, to the gng) She’s just fixing her makeup. Emily: I hate you!! Ross: And, I love you!! (He walks into the living room) Mr. Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross? Ross: That’s true, thanks dad. (To All) People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.) (Mrs. Waltham’s phone rings and she answers it.) Mrs. Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors. Phoebe: (On the phone, in New York) Uh, hello, this is Ross Geller’s personal physician, Dr. Philange. Mrs. Waltham: Who? Phoebe: Yeah, I’ve discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of Ross, uh women’s names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own. Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe. Phoebe: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no! You have it too! (Mrs. Waltham hangs up on her.) Phoebe: Hello? (Cut to Chandler and Monica at the buffet table.) Chandler: Hey. Monica: Hey. Chandler: Oh wow, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I’m just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship. Monica: I know. How could we have let this happen? Chandler: Seven times! Monica: Ugh! Well, y’know, we were away… Chandler: In a foreign, romantic country… Monica: I blame London. Chandler: Bad London! (Takes a spoon and smacks the turkey.) Monica: So look umm, while we’re st-still in London, I mean, we can keep doing it right? Chandler: Well, I don’t see that we have a choice. But, when we’re back home, we don’t do it. Monica: Only here. Chandler: Y’know, I saw a wine cellar downstairs… Monica: I’ll meet you there in two minutes. Chandler: Okay! (He throws down his plate and runs to the wine cellar, Monica is about to follow him but is intercepted by Rachel.) Rachel: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something. Monica: (impatiently) Now? Rachel: Ross said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can’t pretend that didn’t happen can I? Monica: Oh, I-I don’t know. Rachel: Monica, what should I do? Monica: Just uh, do the right thing. (Uses some breath spray) Rachel: What? Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by Rachel.) Rachel: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I’m just gonna talk to Ross about what he think it meant. Monica: Wait. Rachel, no, he’s married. Married! If you don’t realize that, I can’t help you. Rachel: Okay, you’re right. You’re right. You can’t help me. (Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller.) Mrs. Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we bad parents? Mr. Waltham: (walking by) Yes. Mr. Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak when there’s no place to sit, I mean how are you supposed to eat this? Joey: Hey, what’s up? (He has solved the problem of eating the steak, he’s eating it with his hands.) (Cut to Monica and Chandler, Monica is running up to him.) Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar? Chandler: Forget it, that’s off. Monica: Why?! Mr. Waltham: (drunkenly) The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes… (Joey walks up to them.) Monica: Joey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn’t eat meat until she has the babies! Joey: Well, I figured we’re in another country, so it doesn’t count. Monica: That’s true. Chandler: The man’s got a point. (Cut to Rachel and Ross.) Rachel: Oh, hi! Ross: Hi! Rachel: Hi. Sorry, things aren’t working out so well. Ross: Oh no! It could be better, but it’s gonna be okay, right? Rachel: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, she’s gonna get over this, y’know? I mean, so you said my name! Y’know you just said it ‘cause you saw me there, if you’d have seen a circus freak, you would’ve said, "I take thee circus freak." Y’know, it didn’t mean anything, it’s just a mistake. It didn’t mean anything. Right? Ross: No! No! Of course it didn’t mean anything! I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily would think it meant something, y’know, because-because it was you… Rachel: Right… Ross: But it absolutely didn’t. (Yelling towards the bathroom) It didn’t!! It didn’t!! Joey: (approaching) Ross, hey, the band’s ready outside for your first dance with Emily, so… Ross: (sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the band’s ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says—I don’t care about the stupid band!! Joey: You spit on me man! (Wipes his face.) Ross: Look, I’m sorry. Joey: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh? Rachel: (laughs) Y’know when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame. Ross: Oh, right! Rachel: Get the hell out of there, y’know? (They all start laughing, and quickly stop when they realize what she just said and run over to the bathroom.) Ross: (Bangs on the bathroom door) Emily? Emily? I’m coming in. (He opens the door to reveal that the window is gone, along with Emily.) Rachel: Well, look at that, same thing. [Scene: London Marriott, Monica and Chandler are walking to her room.] Chandler: Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me. (She laughs and opens the door to reveal Rachel sitting on the bed.) Monica: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi! Chandler: Oh, hello Rachel. Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me! (They both just stare at her.) Okay, don’t believe me, I know I’m right—do you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink? Chandler: Yes, we do. But, we have to change first. Monica: Yes, I want to change. And why-why don’t you go down and get us a table? Chandler: Yeah, we’ll be down in like five minutes. Monica: (elbows him) Fifteen minutes. Rachel: Okay. (The phone rings and Rachel answers it.) Rachel: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! (To them) It’s Phoebe! Chandler: Oh, yay… Monica: Great… Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Hi, so what happened? Rachel: Well, Ross said my name. Phoebe: Yeah, I know, but I don’t think that means anything. Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, y’know what, let’s look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then… Chandler: (To Monica) Hey, listen, why don’t we go change in my room? Monica: But my clothes are—ohh! (They both leave.) (Cut to Chandler’s room, he opens the door slowly to see if Joey is there and after seeing that he isn’t, ushers Monica into the room, closes the door, and the security bar.) Chandler: Wow, you look… Monica: No time for that! (They both start to frantically rip each other’s clothes off, but are interrupted when Joey tries to open the door.) Joey: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here! Chandler: Well, I’ve got a girl in here. Joey: No you don’t, I just saw you go in there with Monica! Chandler: Well, we’re-we’re hanging out in here! Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you? Chandler: Well, I suppose I’d have to say you!! But, what if we’re watching a movie in here? Monica: Which we are, and-and we already paid for it. It’s My Giant! Joey: My Giant? I love that movie! [Scene: Ross and Emily’s room, Chandler and Monica are still looking for a place to do the deed.] Monica: You really think this is okay? Chandler: Well, Ross and Emily aren’t gonna use it. Monica: Oh, it’s so beautiful. Ohh! Y’know, I-I don’t know if I feel right about this. Chandler: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn’t get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser. Monica: Okay! Chandler: Okay! (They both run to rip the covers off the bed, but are interrupted by Ross.) Ross: (entering) Emily?! Chandler: Nope, not under here! Monica: You didn’t find her? Ross: No, I’ve looked everywhere! Chandler: Well, you couldn’t have looked everywhere or else you would’ve found her! Monica: Yeah, I think you should keep looking! Chandler: Yeah, for about 30 minutes. Monica: Or 45. Chandler: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. (Monica smiles at that.) Ross: No! For all I know, she’s trying to find me but couldn’t because I kept moving around. No, from now on, I’m staying in one place. (He sits down on the bed.) Right here. Monica: Well, it’s getting late. Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna go. Ross: Actually, do you guys mind staying here for a while? Monica: Ugh, y’know, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for New York. Chandler: Yeah, it’s a very large plane. Ross: (disappointed) That’s cool. Chandler: But, we’ll stay here with you. Ross: Thanks guys! (They both sit down on either side of him.) I really appreciate this, y’know, but you don’t have to rub my butt. (Chandler slowly takes his hand away.) Commercial Break [Scene: Ross and Emily’s room, the next morning. Ross is now asleep and has his head in Monica’s lap and his feet on Chandler’s lap. Monica and Chandler are both still awake and depressed.] Chandler: We have to leave for New York in an hour. Monica: I know, I’ve been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound proof, don’t you think? Chandler: We can’t do that that’s insane. I mean ‘A’ he could wake up and ‘B’ y’know, let’s go for it. (They both try to slowly extricate themselves from Ross, but there’s a knock on the door that awakens him.) Ross: Em-Emily? (Looking around for her.) Em-Emily? (He runs to the door.) Emily! (He opens the door to reveal the Walthams standing outside.) Mr. Waltham: No. Mrs. Waltham: You can forget about Emily, she’s not with us. Mr. Waltham: We’ve come for her things. Ross: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she? Mr. Waltham: She’s in hiding. She’s utterly humiliated. She doesn’t want to see you ever again. Mrs. Waltham: We’re very sad that it didn’t work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I think you’re absolutely delicious. Mr. Waltham: Excuse me, I’m standing right here! Mrs. Waltham: Oh yes, there you are. Rachel: (entering, carrying an armful of those little soaps.) Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get some, there’s a whole cart outside… (Sees the Walthams and stops.) Mr. Waltham: Goodbye Geller. Ross: Now, hold on! Hold on! (Stops him) Look, look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you tell her that I’m gonna be at that airport and I hope that she’ll be there too! Oh yeah, I said Rachel’s name, but it didn’t mean anything, Okay? She’s-she’s just a friend and that’s all! (Rachel sits down, depressed.) That’s all! Now just tell Emily that I love her and that I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me that you’ll tell her that. Mr. Waltham: All right, I’ll tell her. (To his wife) Come on bugger face! Mrs. Waltham: (As she walks pass Ross, she pats his but.) Call me. Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why don’t you ever go out the bloody window! [Scene: A 747 somewhere over the North Atlantic, Monica and Chandler are sitting in first class, depressed.] Monica: Y’know, maybe it’s best that we never got to do it again. Chandler: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. (Realizes something) Y’know, technically we still are over international waters. Monica: I’m gonna go to the bathroom, maybe I’ll see you there in a bit? Chandler: ‘Kay! (Monica gets up and heads for the bathroom, Chandler turns to watch her go and is startled to see Joey sitting in Monica’s seat.) Joey: Can I ask you something? Chandler: Uhh, no. Joey: Felicity and I, we’re watching My Giant, and I was thinking, "I’m never gonna be as good an actor as that giant." Do you think I’m just wasting my life with this acting thing? Chandler: No. Joey: I mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y’know, you think I’ll ever get there? Chandler: Yes. Joey: Thanks man. Chandler: Okay man. (Chandler starts to get up.) Joey: But what about how much taller he is than me? (Time lapse, Chandler is finishing his third little bottle of booze.) Joey: I mean, there’s no way I can make myself taller now, y’know? And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man? (Monica returns.) Joey: Hey, Monica, wow you’ve been in the bathroom for like a half-hour. Monica: I know! Joey: Had the beef-tips, huh? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return.] Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hi! (They all hug.) Phoebe: (To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had sex! (They’re shocked.) Chandler: No we didn’t! Phoebe: I know you didn’t, I was talking about Monica. Monica: Phoebe, I did not have sex. Phoebe: This pregnancy is throwing me all off. Joey: All right, I’m gonna go say hi the chick and the duck. Phoebe: Oh, me too! Joey: Why would you need to say hi to them, you’ve been feeding them for four days? Phoebe: Oh right, maybe I’ll just go home. (She grabs her bag and leaves, Joey moves a little quicker to his apartment, leaving Monica and Chandler alone.) Monica: Well, we certainly are alone. Chandler: Yes! Good thing we have that, ‘Not in New York’ rule. Monica: Right. Umm, listen since we’re-we-re on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time in London, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking I was Ross’s mother… Chandler: Right. Monica: Well, an-anyway, I just—that night meant a lot to me, I guess I’m just trying to say thanks. Chandler: Oh. Y’know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn’t because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me ‘cause, you’re really hot! Is that okay? Monica: (laughs) That’s okay. Chandler: And I’m cute too. Monica: And you’re cute too. Chandler: Thank you! (They hug.) All right, I gotta go unpack. Monica: Okay. Chandler: Bye. (After he closes the door, Monica starts to follow him, but thinks better of it and stops.) Chandler: (entering) I’m still on London time, does that count? Monica: That counts! Chandler: Oh, good! (They start kissing.) [Scene: An airport in London, Ross is waiting for Emily to show up to go on their honeymoon and sees Rachel walking past.] Ross: Rach! Rach! Rachel: (she stops and turns) Hi! Ross: Hi! What are you, what are you doing here? Rachel: Well, I-I-I’ve been on Standby for a flight home for hours. Ross: Oh. Rachel: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh? Ross: Not yet. Rachel: So umm, what time are you supposed to leave? Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call. Ross: Pretty soon I guess. Rachel: Yeah. I’m sorry. Ross: I just, I don’t understand, I mean, how-how can she do this? Y’know, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking that she’d actually show up? Rachel: No, you’re not an idiot, Ross. You’re a guy very much in love. Ross: Same difference. Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board. Ross: I get it! Well, that’s that. Rachel: No, you know what, I think you should go. Ross: What? Rachel: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it’d be really good. Ross: Oh, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t know… Rachel: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you! Ross: I could, yeah, I can do that. Rachel: Yeah. Ross: I can’t, I can’t even believe her! No, y’know what, I am, I am gonna go! Rachel: Good! Ross: I know, why not? Rachel: Right! Ross: Right? Rachel: Right! Ross: Y’know—thanks! (They hug) Rachel: Okay, I’ll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here. Ross: Yeah, well…nah. Rachel: What? Wait, what? Ross: Why don’t you come, I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not? Rachel: Well-well, I don’t know Ross—really? Ross: Yeah, yeah, it’ll be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes? Rachel: Uh-huh. Ross: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend. Rachel: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that! Ross: Okay! Rachel: Okay! Ross: Cool! Rachel: All right! Ross: Come on! (They go to the jetway, Ross hands the tickets to the gate agent.) Here. Rachel: Oh, okay, we’re going. Yeah. Ross: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket! Rachel: Oh, wait-wait-wait… Ross: You tell them to wait! Rachel: Okay. Wait! Wait! (Ross retrieves his jacket and sees that not only has Emily arrived, but she as seen Rachel take her place on the plane.) Ross: Emily. (She stares at him and Ross realizes what she’s thinking.) Ross: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! (Emily starts to run out and Ross chases her.) No! No! Emily! Ending Credits [Scene: Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering a drink for Ross and herself.] Rachel: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot and uh, (points to Ross’s seat.) he will have a white wine spritzer. Woo! (Looks out the window.) Hey, look at that, the airport’s moving. (Realizes that that’s not how it works.) Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? Hey, time-out, umm, yeah, does the captain know that we’re moving? (Sits back in defeat.) Oh my God. Oh, my gosh. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x01 - The One After Ross Says Rachel"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler and Joey's Bathroom, Chandler and Monica are sharing a candlelight bubble bath while drinking champagne and they clink their glasses.] Monica: You look cute in bubbles. Chandler: Ehh, you're just liquored up. (They move into kiss but are interrupted by Joey knocking on the door.) Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in! (Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what Chandler's doing.) Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day. Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some? Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then. Joey: Okay. (Joey turns to leave but stops at the door.) Joey: You sure? Some extra crispy? Dirty rice? Beans? Chandler: For the last time no! Get out! Get out, Joey! Joey: All right! (Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.) Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken. Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken. Chandler: Hey Joe! (Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.) Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in pain as Monica grabs him underwater)-Diet Coke. (Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are eating breakfast.] Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey, Pheebs! Joey: Mornin' Pheebs! Phoebe: I have to tell you this story. Okay, I was coming over here and this driver… Joey: (interrupting) Was his name Angus? (Monica and Chandler laugh.) Phoebe: What? Joey: Oh, he was this cab driver we had in London. Phoebe: Oh. Ha-ha-ha. All right, anyway… Monica: Wait, what that place, that pub he took us too? Chandler: Uh, The Wheat Chief. Joey: Yeah-yeah-yeah, and they had that beer! That uh… Monica: Bodington's! All: Bodington's! Woohoo! (And they all high-five each other.) Chandler: Ooh! Ahh, Pheebs, was gonna tell a story. Phoebe: Yeah, so, he had a really funny hat--I don't want to talk about it. Ross: (entering) Hey! All: Hey! Joey: Hey, Ross, Bodington's! Ross: Yeah! (They high-five.) Joey: That was good beer. Ross: Ohh… Joey: Y'know, I'd walk back to London for another frosty one of those bad boys. Ross: Y'know, I think they have those at that British pub near the trade center. Joey: Later! (Exits.) Ross: Isn't Rachel supposed to be back by now? Monica: Yeah, but her plane got delayed in Athens. But actually, (Checks watch) she should be here by now. Ross: Oh, so-so you talked to her. Did she, did she sound mad? Monica: No, but she likes me. You abandoned her on a plane to Greece. Ross: Okay, I did not abandon Rachel! Okay? Emily showed up at the airport! I had to go after her! I mean, I-I did what I had to do! She's my wife! Rachel is my wife! Y'know--Emily! Emily, is my wife! Man, what is that? Phoebe: So you still hadn't heard from Emily? Ross: No, not since I lost her at the airport. Chandler: I can't believe she can out run you man! Ross: HEY, SHE'S FAST!! OKAY?!! (Chandler is so shocked at Ross's outburst that he drops his spoon and backs up) Oh! You-you think you can be bat me? Let's go! Outside!! Rachel: (entering) Hi! All: Hey! (They all go hug her, except for Ross.) Ross: Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so-so sorry. Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! You just did what you had to do. Ross: That's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must've been terrible. Rachel: Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! That was a nice hotel! Nice beach, met the nice people. Not to shabby for Rachel. (Goes and puts her luggage away.) Ross: So, what? That's it? Rachel: Well, yeah! We're cool. Totally cool. Ross: Oh, thanks. Oh, you're the best. (They hug.) Rachel: Oh no, you're the best. Ross: (breaking the hug) Ohh, I gotta go to the flower store! (Runs to the door.) Check it out, no one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna send 72 long-stem, red roses to Emily's parent's house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That oughta get her talking to me again. Chandler: Oh, Ross, when you make out card; be sure to make it out to, EM-I-LY. (Ross bangs his fists together to tell Chandler off, like what was learned last season. Read about it here.) Monica: Rach, that's great! It's so good that you had a good time in Greece! Rachel: What?! I didn't have a good time in Greece! Ross abandoned me! Okay, I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, "Oh, Mrs. Geller, why are you crying?" I mean, it was sooo humiliating. I felt like such an idiot! I mean, it's all my fault! And you know why, because I make very bad decisions. Chandler: Oh that's not true. Rachel: Yes it is! It is true! I went, I went after Ross in stupid London. Phoebe: London is stupid! Stupid! Rachel: Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me. Phoebe: Oh… No, I did that for someone once and I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life. Monica: I'll do it! Rachel: That's fine. So Monica, you are now in control of my love life. Chandler: Okay, I gotta go to work. (He gets up and gives Monica a rather passionate kiss as Rachel and Phoebe look on in amazement. After the kiss ends, Chandler suddenly realizes what he just did, so he decides to do something rather rash.) Chandler: And uh, Rachel, glad to have you back. (He goes over and gives Rachel the same treatment he gave Monica, only Rachel is shocked.) Chandler: Pheebs! (He goes over and kisses Phoebe, who is also stunned.) Always a pleasure. (And he struts out leaving the girls to stare at each other.) [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Chandler and Joey are there looking at pictures from the trip to London.] Monica: Oh, Rachel, sweetie, look, here's a really cute picture of Joey and you at the reception. Rachel: Ohh, he's married! Ross is married. I can't--I still can't believe it. (Rachel grabs the picture from Monica) Monica: Honey, sweetie, by the edges. Rachel: I mean, y'know I'm just gonna have to accept it (She grabs the rest of the pictures)… Monica: Ohh. (Monica covers her eyes in horror.) Rachel: …I mean it's my fault. Monica: Sweetie! Edges! Fingers! Smudgey! Pictures! Rachel: Oh my God! (She licks the top picture and hands them back.) Monica: Okay. That's okay. I-I know that you're very upset right now. I know, I know that wasn't about me. Joey: (To Chandler) I bet it was about her a little. Monica: If you would stop thinking about Ross for one minute you would notice that there are great guys everywhere! I mean, look! Look, gn! (gn turns to listen in.) I mean, he's nice, he's cute. Rachel: Yeah, I guess gn is kinda… Monica: (Interrupting) Oh, what about that guy over there? (She points at another guy and gn is deflated.) Remember? That is the guy you flirted with at the counter that time. Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Monica: You're going to talk to him! Y'know what? We made a deal, I make your decisions and I say you're going to talk to him. Rachel: All right, you're the boss. I guess I gotta do what you tell me. Joey: Say that to him and you're golden. (She just glares at him.) Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Monica: We got out pictures back from London. (Shows her one.) Here's all of us at the Tower of London. Phoebe: (Grabs the pictures) Oh! Here we all are! Yeah, there's Ross and Joey and you and me. (She picks up a magic marker and draws herself in. Monica can't watch.) Chandler: All right, y'know what, we've been talking about London too much haven't we? Phoebe: No. I'm sorry. It's just 'cause I couldn't be there. 'Cause all I ever get to do now is pregnant stuff, it just bums me out. All: Sorry. (Rachel returns.) Monica: What happened? Rachel: Well, y'know, a little of this, a little of that. Got myself a date tomorrow night. Monica: See, didn't I tell you?! You're getting over Ross already! Rachel: Well… (gn goes up to the guy and holds a sign that reads, "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.") gn: (To the guy) Get out! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters to find Monica waiting patiently for him. He closes the door and they start kissing.] Monica: What took you so long? Chandler: I got caught up and work, but I'm quitting tomorrow. Monica: Oh, good. (They start kissing and turn around so that Chandler is facing the door. And Chandler sees Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey walk in and quickly ends the kiss with Monica.) Chandler: So, thanks for having me over! Rach. (Goes over, grabs her, and kisses her.) Pheebs. (After a moment while he decides how to kiss her around her belly, grabs her and kisses her.) Joey: (Jumping out of his way) See ya!! (To the girls.) What the hell was that?! Monica: Probably some y'know, European good-bye thing he picked up in London. Rachel: That's not European! Phoebe: Well, it felt French. (Joey is intrigued.) [Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Rachel is returning from her date with Dave.] Rachel: Oh God, I really had a good time! Dave: Yeah, me too. (They reach her door.) So, I guess this is it. Rachel: Yeah. Umm, unless you wanna come inside? Dave: Yeah! Rachel: Okay. Oh, uh, wait a minute, y'know what? I uh, I can't decide this. Umm, okay, just hold on a second. Dave: Okay, yeah! (She enters the apartment, leaving Dave in the hallway, to find Ross sitting on the couch with a big box.) Rachel: Umm, hi! Ross: Hi. Rachel: Is Monica around? I-I have to ask her something. Ross: She's doing her laundry. Rachel: What's that? (Points to the box.) Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch! Rachel: Oh, honey that's awful. Ross: Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make potpourri! I think I'm gonna go wander out in the rain for a while. Rachel: But, it's not raining. Ross: I can't catch a break! Rachel: Y'know what Ross? You're not going anywhere. You're gonna sit right here. I'm gonna make you a cup of tea and we're gonna talk this thing whole out. All right? (She goes out to talk to Dave) Hey, Dave! Dave: Yeah? Rachel: Umm, listen, I'm gonna need to take a rain check, my roommate is just really sick. Okay? Bye! (She goes back in to talk to Ross.) Honey, listen, I know, I know things seem so bad right now. Monica: (Poking her head in) Rach? Can I talk to for just a minute? I-I dropped some socks. Rachel: Yeah. (She goes out to join her in the hall and starts looking for the dropped socks.) Monica: What is the matter with you?! Do you want to fall into the trap? Do you want to fall into the trap?! Rachel: Ohh! You did not drop any socks! Monica: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shts! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do? Rachel: Well, ultimately, I was trying y'know, I-I wanted…tell him y'know, that I'm still in love with him. Monica: (Gasps) What?!! You cannot tell him that!! Rachel: Why? Why not?! People love to hear that! Monica: I make the decisions, and I say no. Rachel: Well, y'know what, no, you do not make my decisions because y'know what, you're fired. Monica: You can't fre me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired!" Ha! Rachel: Well… (At a loss for words, she grabs some of Monica's laundry and throws it on the floor as a diversion to allow Rachel to run back inside and close the door. Monica chases her to find that Rachel had locked the door.) Monica: Rachel!! Come on! Let me in! Joey: (Poking his head out.) Havin' some trouble? Monica: Rachel locked the door. Joey: I'll kick that door in if you give me a little sugar. Commercial Break [Scene: The hallway, continued from earlier. Monica is still locked out.] Monica: Rachel! Let me in! Rachel! [Cut to inside the apartment, Ross decides to let Monica in and goes over and opens the door in mid-pound.] Monica: Thank you. Rachel, can I talk to you outside for a sec? Rachel: No. Monica: I really need to talk to you. Rachel: Well, then talk! Monica: Okay, I will. Remember that thing that we just discussed that you wanted to do? Rachel: Yes! Ross: What thing? Monica: Well, Rachel wants to take swing dance lessons. Which I think is a really stupid idea! It's dangerous, she's never gonna get what she wants, and who knows who she might (Turns to look at Ross) end up hurting. Ross: Monica's right, swing dancing can be tricky. I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily. (Looks at the rose mulch.) My God, think of the mssacre. Rachel: I'm gonna do it. Monica: All right, Rachel, I know-I know you think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you love him, just-just try to find one person who thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you can't. Rachel: But I… Monica: Please! Rachel: All right, fine. (There's a loud bang on the door.) Monica: Joey, I'm in! Joey: (In tremendous pain) All right. Good deal. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters.] All: Pheebs! Hey Pheebs! Joey: Uh, okay, Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: Umm, y'know how the other day you were talking about how you didn't get to go to London and how you were kinda feeling left out? Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: All right, well, we felt really bad about that so we decided we should all take a little trip together! Phoebe: Ohh, that's so nice! How great! Well, where? Where's the trip?! Monica: Well, we thought we would all go to a picnic (Phoebe gasps), in Central Park! Phoebe: (excited) Central…(not so excited) Park! Joey: Yeah, all of us! All day! Phoebe: That sucks! That's not a trip! I just came from the park! What are we gonna high five about at the stupid Central Park? "Well, it's right by my house, all right!" Chandler: Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my Central Park idea. (Gets up to leave.) Rachel: (stopping him) Hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!! Ho-ho-hold on a sec there, Mr. Kissey! Y'know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole, little, new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you that it makes me very uncomfortable and I just--y'know--stop it! Chandler: I was just trying to bring a little culture to the group. Phoebe: That's fine, just don't bring it in my mouth. Monica: Makes me wanna puke! (Chandler looks at her, quizzically.) [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are there as Ross enters with Phoebe.] Ross: Hey everybody, Pheebs is here! Joey: Phoebe! Chandler: Hey, Pheebs! Rachel: Phoebe, woo! Phoebe: Okay, woo! Hi. Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little… Y'know, it didn't have any… It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, Atlantic City! Phoebe: Ooh, Atlantic City! Oh, that's a great plan! Who's plan was that? Joey: Mine! Ross: Wait! It was my plan. Joey: Nooo, I said we needed a new plan. Ross: And, I came up with Atlantic City. Joey: Which, is the new plan! Monica: Okay, well, why don't we all meet upstairs in an hour? Phoebe: Okay! Ooh-ahh, I'm gonna go pack. I'm gonna go pack my ass off! (They all go pack except for Ross.) Monica: Come on Rach, let's go. Rachel: Yeah, y'know what? I'm-I'm gonna meet you upstairs in a minute. Monica: No! Rachel, you didn't find anyone so you can't tell him. Rachel: Well, y'know what, that doesn't matter. Monica: Okay, Rachel, do you have any idea how painful it is to tell someone that you love them and not have them say it back? Rachel: Yeah, I-I don't care. Monica: Okay. I-I can't watch. (Leaves as sits down to read the paper.) Rachel: What 'cha readin'? Ross: The paper. Rachel: Yeah, what's it about? Ross: Events from around the globe. Rachel: Okay. Uhh, Ross, y'know what, there's something that I-that I have to talk to you about and everybody's saying that I shouldn't tell you, but I think they're wrong. I mean, and you know how people can be wrong. Ross: Sure. Once, at work I-I thought carbon dating was fossilized… Rachel: Okay, Ross, I'm really trying to tell you something here. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Go ahead. Rachel: Umm, okay, I think I'm-I'm just gonna-just gonna say it. Just gonna say it. Uhh, (pause) I'm still in love with you Ross. (Ross is stunned.) Ross: Wow. Umm… Huh… I'm-I'm not sure what to do with that right now. (Rachel starts laughing hysterically.) Ross: What? What? Was that a joke? 'Cause it's mean. Rachel: (Laughing) I'm so dad serious. I'm totally serious. Ross: Why are you laughing? Rachel: Because (laughs), because, I just heard it. I heard it, and it's ridiculous! I mean, you're married. You're-you're married and it's just ridiculous, and it's like, it's like when said it, I sort of like, I floated up out of my body, y'know? And, and-and then I heard myself say it and then the floating Rachel (laughs) was like, "You are such an idiot!" Ross: Well, well I am married. Even though I haven't spoken to my wife since the wedding. Rachel: (laughs) I'm sorry, that's not funny. Ross: Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return my calls. I don't know where my wife is. (Laughs) "Hey Ross, where's the Mrs.?" Don't know! Rachel: Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you think ah, do you think that you just forget that I told you this? Ross: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the thing is… Rachel: The thing is y'know, that you're married to Emily. Ross: That is what the thing is. Rachel: Ross, things aren't gonna be weird between us, right? I mean was that just the stupidest thing, me telling you that? Ross: No. No. No, I'm-I'm glad you did. Look, if nothing else, it's-it's always great when someone tells you they love you. Rachel: That's what I said! Thank you for being so nice. (They hug.) Ross: No thank you for… Thank you. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gng is about ready to leave for Atlantic City.] Ross: Okay, let's go! Chandler: Atlantic City! Phoebe: Atlantic City, baby! Let's roll some bones! Hey Joey, high-five for rolling bones! (They high-five and howl, but Phoebe suddenly stops and the guys gasp and retreat in shock.) Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you're leaking? Monica: Oh my God! You're water broke! The Guys: Ohh! Phoebe: All right. Well, don't worry, I call g*n! (She starts out the door.) All: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait-wait! Chandler: Pheebs! We have to take you to the hospital now! Ross: Pheebs, Pheebs, the babies are coming now. Rachel: High-five, the babies are coming! (They all high-five.) Phoebe: Wait, wait, remember when my water broke? (They all high-five again.) Ending Credits [Scene: The hallway between the apartments, they are taking Phoebe to the hospital but Chandler and Monica hold back.] Monica: I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her babies! Chandler: I know, it's beautiful. Amazing. (They both kiss.) Chandler: Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having sex. Monica: Do you know anything about women? Chandler: No. Monica: That's all right. Chandler: Okay. (They kiss again.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x02 - The One With All The Kissing"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: The Hospital, Phoebe is arriving with Ross, Joey, and Rachel in tow.] Phoebe: (to the nurse) Hi. Nurse: Hi. Phoebe: Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of me. Nurse: Okay. Have you started having contractions? Phoebe: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt? Nurse: Well… Phoebe: Oh my God! Ross: It's all right. Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? (Points to Joey and Ross) Phoebe: Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother. Nurse: (not sure what to do with that) Okay… Rachel: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that! Joey: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This (His video camera) is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? Y'know before it all starts? Phoebe: Oh, okay, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me! (Monica and Chandler come running in.) Ross: Hey, what took you guys so long? Your cab left when ours did! (There's a pause as they figure out what to say.) Monica: Well, we-we had to go back because I forget my jacket. Chandler: That's right. (Both Rachel and Ross stare at her for a moment.) Rachel: You-you're not wearing a jacket. Monica: Oh man! I did it again! Phoebe: (standing up) Okay, so umm, somebody has to call Frank and Alice. (As she is talking Joey is sticking the camera under her skirt.) And then my mom wants to know-(notices Joey)-Joey, what are you doing?! Joey: I gotta get the before sht! (She shakes her head no.) Opening Credits [Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Ross are entering.] Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming. Phoebe: What?! Ross: Apparently she fell in the shower and ht her head. Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid! Ross: Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay. Phoebe: That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out your vagina! Rachel: Honey, listen, y'know what? The nurse said the doctor is wonderful. Ross: Yeah, he's head of the department. Phoebe: All right--Ooh! Oh dad God, save me! Monica: What? Phoebe: I'm having my first contraction! Chandler: Oh no. Phoebe: Ooh, it's not bad. Chandler: Okay. Joey: Oh! (In an announcer type voice) And so the miracle of life begins, and aaiiyyyeeee! (He grabs his side and doubles over in pain.) Chandler: Hey! You okay? Joey: Ooh, something hurts! Phoebe: Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Ohh, that's so sweet! Joey: Are they? I didn't know I cared that much. (The doctor, Dr. Harad, enters.) Ross: Hello. Dr. Harad: Hi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm going to be delivering your babies. I want you to know, you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing this for a long time. I'll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie. (Exits) Chandler: Did he just say, he loves Fonzie? Monica: That's what it sounded like. Chandler: All right… Frank: (entering) Hey! All: Hey! Frank: (To Phoebe) Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right? Phoebe: No-no-no! We haven't started yet. Where's Alice? Frank: Uh, Delaware. She's on her way though, so until she gets here, I'm gonna be your coach. But don't worry, she told me all about the la-Mazada stuff. Chandler: Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing. Frank: Yeah. [Scene: The waiting room, Monica and Joey are sitting there.] Rachel: (entering) Monica? You gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses. Joey: Oh my! Rachel: They're male nurses. Joey: Not in my head. Rachel: Anyway, they want to take us out Saturday night! What do you say? Monica: Umm. (Looks at Chandler who is using the phone.) Umm. Umm. I don't think so. Rachel: What? What are you talking about?! You-you're the one who's been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go. Monica: Umm, why don't you give me something that would be a good reason and-and then I'll tell you if it's true. Rachel: What? Monica: Harder than it sounds. Isn't it? Rachel: Okay, you're coming with me, and I also told them that if we're still here when they get off that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some Jell-O with them. Joey: (in a sexy voice) Yep! There's always room for Jell-O… Rachel: Joey, how do you make that dirty? Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh, (snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice) Grandma's chicken salad… [Scene: The delivery room, Chandler, Frank, and Ross are with Phoebe.] Joey: (entering) Ross! Get a sht of this. (He's carrying an issue of the USA Today and hands Ross the camera.) Hey babies! These are the headlines on the day you were born! Okay, now girl baby turn away and boy babies… (Throws the paper away to reveal a copy of Playpen, which is the TV version of Playboy Magazine.) Check it out, huh?! This is what naked women looked like the month you were born. All right, now let's dive right into the good stuff. (Joey opens the magazine and Ross sticks the camera in it.) Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm having another one! This one doesn't hurt either--Ooh, yes it does! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! (Checks under the blanket.) Oh, I was kinda hoping that was it. Ross: Hey, where are Monica and Rachel anyway? Joey: Oh, a couple of nurses asked them out. Maybe they're with them. Chandler: Really? Male nurses? Joey: Yeah, I was bummed too. Chandler: So they're going on dates? When? Joey: I think Saturday--(groans in pain again). Frank: (To Phoebe) What's with him? Phoebe: Umm, sympathy pains. I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think he's just trying to steal my thunder. Dr. Harad: (entering) Okay! Phoebe: Hey. Dr. Harad: Let's see what we got here. Ohh, y'know, Fonzie dated triplets. Chandler: This-this Fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor? Dr. Harad: Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz. Chandler: All right. (Dr. Harad exits.) Frank: It's not that weird, is it? Phoebe: It's very weird! I don't want some guy down there telling me, I'm y'know, dilatedamundo! Ross: To be fair, he doesn’t seem to be impersonating Fonzie… Phoebe: (interrupting) What are you doing?!! Why are you defending him?! Just get me another doctor! One who is not crazy and who is not Fonzie! Ross: Again, it's not that he… (Phoebe fakes pain to get Ross looking for another doctor.) [Scene: The waiting room, Chandler is looking for Monica.] Chandler: (spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are! Monica: Umm, listen there's something I think you should know. Chandler: Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around. Monica: Umm, actually I was about to tell you that I was, I was going to get out of it, but hey, if we're just goofing around then uh, maybe I will go out with him. Chandler: Fine! Maybe I will too! Joey: (entering from the elevator caring gifts for the kids) Hey, you guys! Look what I found in the giiiiiiift shop. (He doubles over in pain in front an old man in a wheel chair.) Get up! Get up! Get up! (The old man waves him away.) [Scene: The delivery room, Ross has returned with another doctor. This one, is well, younger.] Ross: Okay, Phoebe, this Dr. Oberman. He has no strong feelings about Fonzie or any of the Happy Days gng. Phoebe: Hi! And you're going into what grade? Dr. Oberman: Umm, I'm actually a first year resident, but I get that a lot, you see, I-I graduated early… Phoebe: (interrupting) Uh-huh, me too. Ross, maybe I should've specified that I'd be needing a grown up doctor. Dr. Oberman: Oh no, I'm fully qualified to… Phoebe: Shh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody understand that I'm gonna be having babies soon? Huh? Go! Go little boy, go! (He runs out and Frank watches him go.) Frank: Oh cool! You made him cry! [Scene: Another hospital room, Joey has now been admitted and his doctor is about to break the bad news to him, Monica, and Chandler.] Joey's Doctor: Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid you've got kidney stones. Joey: Umm, well, what else could it be? Joey's Doctor: It's kidney stones. Joey: Or? Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! [Scene: The delivery room, Dr. Harad is back and checking on Phoebe.] Dr. Harad: All right, you're getting there. Oh, and y'know, these babies are very, very lucky. Phoebe: They are. Why? Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday. Phoebe: Happy birthday! Dr. Harad: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. (Phoebe nods in agreement as he leaves.) Rachel: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice. Phoebe: I know, it is. Rachel: Yeah! Phoebe: Can I tell you a little secret? Rachel: Yeah! Phoebe: I want to keep one. (Giggles in excitement.) Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news! Commercial Break [Scene: The delivery room, continued from earlier.] Rachel: Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you cannot keep one of these babies! Phoebe: Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't know! Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna want to keep all of their children! Phoebe: Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe they're y'know, looking for a chance to unload one of them. Listen, I-I hate to miss an opportunity just because I didn't ask! Y'know? Rachel: Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane. Phoebe: Oh, just ask him! Rachel: Me?! Phoebe: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him out! Rachel: No! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his kids!! Phoebe: You're right. (There's an awkward silence then suddenly Phoebe gets an idea.) Phoebe: Tell him it's for you. [Scene: Joey's room, his doctor, Chandler, and Monica are there.] Monica: Feeling a little better sweetie? Joey: Well, maybe a little. I wish you hadn't seen me throw up. Monica: Me too. Ross: (entering) Hey! I just heard. What's up? Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra… Joey: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up, up is not an option--what's a urethra? (Monica whispers what it is in his ear.) Are you crazy?! [Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Frank are there.] Phoebe: (To Rachel) So did you ask him? Rachel: No, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet. Phoebe: Well, I'm kinda on a clock here. Dr. Harad: (laughing) Oh Fonzie. Rachel: Y'know who I always liked? Mork. (Dr. Harad drops what he's doing and stares at her.) Phoebe: Undo it. Undo it. Undo it. Dr. Harad: Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie. Rachel: Yeah, but umm… Yes, but, Fonzie was already cool, so he wasn't hurt, right? Dr. Harad: Yeah, that's right. Monica: (entering with Chandler) Hey! Phoebe: Hi! Monica: (To Phoebe) How are you doing? Phoebe: Okay, doctor says any minute now. Frank: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in? Phoebe: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do. (A male nurse enters.) Male Nurse: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Male Nurse: Rachel. Rachel: Monica, this is Dan (points to him), one of the guys that we're gonna be going out with on Saturday. (Mouths "He's yours." to her.) Uh Dan, Monica. Dan: Nice to meet you. Monica: Hello Dan! I'm really looking forward to Saturday night! Really, really! Chandler: So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it? Monica: Chandler! Dan: Nah that's okay. I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school. Chandler: Oh. Dan: And it didn't feel so girlie during the Gulf wr. Chandler: Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.) Monica: So, why wait 'til Saturday, are you free tomorrow? Dan: Sure! I'll get somebody to cover my shift. Monica: Oh, great! Chandler: (to another female nurse) Hey, how 'bout it? You, me, Saturday night? Delivery Room Nurse: No. Chandler: All right. Very good. Phoebe: Oo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!! [Cut to Joey's room, who's going throw his own contractions. Plus, he has Ross in a headlock.] Joey: Ohh, get these things out of me! Ross: Breathe! Breathe! Breathe throw the pain. (Joey starts breathing hard) Joey: I want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs! (He starts rocking back and forth, taking Ross with him.) Ross: I do too! I do too! Joey: Argh! Ross: Argh! Joey: Argh! Ross: Argh! [Scene: The waiting room, Frank is on the phone as Rachel approaches.] Frank: Yeah, I love you. Okay, bye! (To Rachel) Hi! Rachel: Hi! Frank: That was Alice's mom, she said she left five hours ago. She should be here by now! Rachel: Oh, honey, don’t worry. She's gonna make it on time. Frank: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. So Frank, three babies. Whew, that just seems like a lot, huh? Frank: (laughs) Not to me. Rachel: Yeah, fair enough. [Scene: The delivery room, later on, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Frank are there as Dr. Harad is checking out Phoebe.] Dr. Harad: Okay, you're at ten centimeters. Time to start having some babies. All right, I want only the father in here please. (They all kiss her and wish her luck.) Monica: Bye Dan! Dan: Uh, bye Monica. Chandler: Bye, momi-moo. (Everyone except Frank leaves.) Dr. Harad: All right, I need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31. Phoebe: What is that? (Dan turns on the TV and the Happy Days theme song comes on.) Phoebe: Oh my God! Dr. Harad: Oh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie plays the bongos. All right, are you ready? It's time to start pushing. [Cut to Joey's room, his doctor and Ross are there.] Joey's Doctor: Are you ready? It's time to try peeing. (Joey makes a face like he is trying to pee.) Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! It's almost time to try peeing. (Points at the bottle Joey is to pee into.) [Cut to the delivery room.] Dr. Harad: Okay, now push! That's it push! Just concentrate on pushing! Yeah, here we go! Dan: I see the head. Frank: Yes, it has a head! Dr. Harad: All right. Keep pushing! Come on! Frank: I can't believe there's somebody coming out of you right now. There's somebody coming out of you! Is it? Is it? It's my son. Dr. Harad: All right. Here's your first baby. [Cut to the waiting room, a triumphant Frank rushes in.] Frank: YESSSSS!!!!! We got a baby boy!! Chandler: Yes! Frank: Frank Jr. Jr.!! Rachel: Oh, how does he look? How does he look? Frank: So gross! (He runs back to the delivery room.) [Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is about to give birth to the middle kid.] Dr. Harad: Okay. You ready to push again? Phoebe: I already had a baby. Leave me alone. Frank: Okay, okay, come on, you can do it. You can do it! (Phoebe screams in pain, and Frank screams with her.) [Cut to the waiting room, a twice triumphant Frank returns.] Frank: Yeah!! Little Leslie is here! We got another one! Oh my God, I can't believe I have two-two children. How scary is that? (He returns to the delivery room.) [Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is at it for the last time.] Frank: Come on little Chandler, it's time to be born. Come on little Chandler! Come on! Dr. Harad: All right, he's coming. He's coming! (They both stare at the newborn.) Frank: Hey, where's his thing? [Cut to the waiting room, a thrice triumphant Frank returns again.] Frank: Chandler's a girl! Chandler: Oh God, kindergarten flashback. Frank: They musta read the sonogram wrong. 'Cause they, 'cause they thought it was a boy, but Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl! Chandler: Okay, keep saying it! Alice: (running in from the elevator) Am I too late?! Frank: No-no ah, everything's okay. Everybody's healthy there's 30 fingers and 30 toes. Alice: We have our babies? Frank: Yeah. Alice: (Starting to cry) Oh, we have our babies. (They hug. And quickly that hug turns into a heated make out session, right there on the waiting room couch. Chandler, Rachel, and Monica quickly make their exits.) [Scene: Joey's room, he is recovering from his birth.] Joey: Oh my God. Ross: You did it, man. Joey's Doctor: Would you like to see them? (He hands Joey a little jar.) Joey: They're so small! (Both he and Ross look at them with satisfied looks on their faces.) [Scene: A hallway, Monica and Dan are talking.] Dan: So, I'll call you tomorrow. Monica: Great! (Dan leaves as Chandler enters.) Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man? Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not goof around with him. Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary… Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this. Monica: I think you're better than you think you are. Chandler: Really? Okay, so… Monica: (interrupting) Know when to stop. Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay? Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around.) Don't do the dance. Chandler: Right! [Scene: The delivery room, everyone except Rachel is there. Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are holding the babies.] Monica: I think you're my favorite. Phoebe: Which one do you have? Monica: I don't care. Rachel: (entering) Hi. (To Phoebe) Hey, hi! So uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you that they're still outside making phone calls. Phoebe: But umm, I mean, did you talk to them about, y'know… Rachel: Yeah, umm, no honey. Phoebe: Oh. It was a long sh*t. Hey, you guys can I just like have a second alone with the babies. All: Yeah, sure yeah. Yeah. (They hand her the babies and leave them alone.) Phoebe: So, here you are. It seems like yesterday I was talking to you in that little petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! (Imitates the high fives.) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! (One of the babies begins to cry.) Well, if you're gonna cry. (She starts crying.) Ending Credits [Scene: The delivery room, everyone is hanging out with Phoebe. Frank, Alice, and the kids aren't there.] Monica: Phoebe, we are so proud of you! You're amazing! Phoebe: I know. Rachel: So does it really hurt as bad as they say? Phoebe: Yeah. You won't be able to take it. Chandler: So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her? Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler. Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think? Phoebe: Works on you. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x03 - The One Hundredth"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Michael Curtis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just gotten home and is going through the mail. She finds something that's Monica's and goes over and knocks on her closed bedroom door.] Monica: (In a sexy voice) Come in. I've been waiting for you. (Rachel enters.) Rachel: Hi! I just wanna-(sees Monica)-Ahhh!!! Oh my God! (She runs out in horror.) Oh my God! Monica: (pulling on a robe) Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I was um, I was taking a nap. Rachel: Since when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting for a guy! Monica: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work. (Thinks) I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha! Rachel: (Gasps) That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that looks like a non-thrat Ray Liotta? Monica: Uh-huh, that one! Rachel: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair. I'm just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. (There's a knock on the door.) Maybe that's him. (Goes to answer the door.) Monica: (Panicking) Okay, umm, okay, umm… (Rachel opens the door.) It's just Joey and Ross. Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie? Joey: Well, we were! But Ross was talking so loud on his phone they threw us out! Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud! Joey: (to Monica and Rachel) He's talking to London! Monica: But why?! Did he get in touch with Emily? Joey: Well no, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her. Ross: (on phone) I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name you prissy, old twit! Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family. Chandler: (entering, happily, with a bottle of champagne, thinking that Monica is the only one there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper! Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are eating breakfast.] Joey: (entering, wearing a tux) Hey! Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux! Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned. Monica: Vomit tux? Who vomited on—y'know what, what you up to Joe? Joey: Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a job as co-host! Monica: Oh that's great! Joey: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do! Phoebe: Ugh, PBS! Monica: What's wrong with PBS? Phoebe: Ugh, what's right with them? Joey: Why don’t you like PBS, Pheebs? Phoebe: Okay, 'cause right after my mom klled herself, I was just in this really bad place, y'know personally. So, I just thought that it'd make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they were so nice when I was a little kid! No one ever wrote back. Chandler: Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs. Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain! And by that time I was living in a box. I didn't have keys! Joey: I'm sorry Pheebs, I just, y'know, I just wanted to do a good deed. Like-like you did with the babies. Phoebe: This isn't a good deed, you just wanted to get on TV! This is totally selfish. Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What about you, having those babies for your brother? Talk about selfish! Phoebe: What-what are you talking about?! Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel really good right? Phoebe: Yeah. So? Joey: It made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. Look, there's no unselfish good deeds, sorry. Phoebe: Yes there are! There are totally good deeds that are selfless. Joey: Well, may I ask for one example? Phoebe: Yeah, it's… Y'know there's—no you may not! (They are standing on either side of Chandler as they discuss the point. Chandler, meanwhile, is disgusted with the whole argument.) Joey: That's because all people are selfish. Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?! Joey: Are you calling you people? (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause right? Phoebe: I'm gonna find a selfless good dad. I'm gonna bat you, you evil genius. (Ross's phone rings and he answers it.) Ross: (on phone) Hello. Emily: (on phone from London) Hello, Ross? Ross: Emily? Emily! Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Emily! (He picks up a lamp and hands it to Chandler, for no reason.) It's Emily everyone! Shush-shush-shhst! (to Emily) Hi! Emily: Ross, I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives. Good-bye! Ross: No wait! Look, wait! Okay, you can hang up, but I'm gonna keep calling! I'm gonna, I'm gonna call everyone in England if that's what it takes to get you to talk to me! Emily: Really? About what? Ross: Look you're my wife. We're-we're married. Y'know? I-I love you. I-I really miss you. Emily: I miss you to. Well, at least I think I do. Ross: (to the gng, whispering) She's talking. All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to keep quiet, including Chandler who is still holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he goes off to talk to Emily in private.) Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Clause, you meant? Joey: That he doesn't exist. Phoebe: Right. (She turns and opens her eyes in shock.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.] Rachel: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend? Chandler: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him. Rachel: So Mon, when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man? Monica: Ohh, he's really shy. I-I don’t think he's up to meeting everyone yet. Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet. Rachel: I don’t care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had! (Chandler is quite pleased with that statement.) Chandler: Really?! That's what you heard? (To Monica) You said that? Monica: I might've said that. (Chandler laughs.) Why is that funny? Chandler: Because I'm very happy for him! (To Monica) And you, you lucky dog! Ross: (entering) Hi! Monica: Hey! Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship. Chandler: Yes! Monica: That's great! Ross: In London! Monica: What?! Ross: She wants me to move to London. Monica: But you live here! (Ross rolls his eyes.) You know that. Rachel: What-what-what are you gonna do? Ross: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to move to London with Ben. Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife. Ross: It could happen. [Scene: Unitel Video, Studio 55, Joey's telethon, he is being shown around by the stage director.] Joey: (To the pledge volunteers) How ya doin'? Welcome. Good to see ya! Stage Director: This will be your phone. Joey: That's great. But uh, I'm not really expecting a lot of calls. Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges. Joey: But I'm the host! Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones. Joey: You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Remoray. Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there.] Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that old guy that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass! Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish. Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right! Chandler: (entering) Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question? Monica: Sure! Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard? Rachel: Chandler! (Pause) Is he? Monica: Well, y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend. Chandler: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. (He jumps up onto the table and starts doing his happy dance.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, he's on the phone with Emily.] Ross: All right Emily, as much as I love you, I'm sorry, I can't move to London without Ben. Emily: I understand that would be difficult. Ross: Yeah, would you please consider moving here? I mean you were gonna move here anyway, why can't you just do that? Emily: I don't know, it's just… Ross: Oh-oh-okay, but-but I know, that even though I've been a-a complete idiot up 'til now, I mean, I mean you-you-you have to come here. You have to come here so we can work this out. Emily: All right. Ross: All right, did you just say all right? Emily: I did. Now I'm the idiot. Ross: Oh, Emily that is, that is so great. It's gonna be so great! We're gonna be like-like-like two idiots in love! (She laughs.) Emily: Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still. Ross: Yes, tell me. Emily: Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me up on that altar in front of my entire family, all my friends. Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry. Emily: And then after decided to forgive you, seeing you at the airport catching our plane with her. Ross: Again, very sorry. Emily: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room as her! It drives me mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her! Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. Okay? I love you. Emily: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try and make this work. Ross: Oh that is so great! That's… Emily: (interrupting him) As long as you don't see Rachel anymore. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler about Emily's ultimatum.] Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes. Chandler: Yes! Phoebe: Ooh-ohh! Monica: Great! Ross: No-no-no! Only if I promise never to see Rachel again. Phoebe: Why? Monica: What?! You can't—what did you tell her? Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision? (They're all quiet.) I'm actually asking you! Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best friends. Monica: Yeah! But, he can't not exactly see Emily, I mean that's his wife. Phoebe: Yeah. Chandler: That's true! Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since High School and you cannot just cut her out of your life. Chandler: That's true! Monica: No, you cannot. Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved. (Wipes his hands.) (The phone rings.) Monica: (answering it) Hello. Joey: (on phone) Hey Mon! Monica: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be on TV? Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good exposure. Monica: (Looking at the TV) You're not on TV. Joey: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? (He waves his hand in front of the woman next to him and you can now see his arm on TV.) Chandler: Hey, there he is! There he is! Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his hand out of the way.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the chick and the duck are watching Emeril Live, a cooking show.] Emeril: (on TV.) Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! Who cares, y'know? Now I got the legs… (Chandler enters and sees what they're watching, panics, and runs to turn off the TV.) Chandler: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel! Monica: (entering) Hi Chandler. Chandler: Hey! Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day. Chandler: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars. Monica: William Sonoma, fall catalog, Page 27. Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves. Monica: Yeah, so? Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had. Monica: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass. Chandler: Why? Monica: Why? (She hops into the living room and imitates Chandler's happy dance.) Chandler: What's your point? [Scene: The Telethon, Joey's phone rings and he answers it.] Joey: (in a bored voice) PBS telethon. Phoebe: (on phone from Central Perk) Hey Joey, I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I just went down to the park and I let a bee sting me. Joey: What?! What good is that gonna do anybody? Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am definitely not. Joey: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he stung ya. Phoebe: (Thinks for a moment.) Aw, dammit! (Slams the phone down.) Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people! (Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his row to talk to the guy sitting there.) Joey: Hey, excuse me, would you mind switching with me? PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the sht man. Joey: Come on man! You've been here all day! PBS Volunteer: Yeah, I-I'm taking pledges here, eh? Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.) Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been enjoying the performance of Circ 'du Sole, (As he is speaking, Joey and the volunteer getting into a shoving match.) and you'd like to see more of the same kind of programming, it's very simple. All you have to do (Joey is knocked down.) is call in your pledge and at that time tell the operator, one of our volunteers, what kind of programming you'd like to… (Just as the volunteer sits down, Joey pulls him to the ground.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are cooking, Chandler is reading a magazine.] Ross: (entering) Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is too difficult, so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate. (He holds up and starts shaking a…) Monica: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this decision with a toy! Phoebe: Ooh, it's not a toy. Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife and lose one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before I'm 30! So-so if anyone has-has a better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I got nothing! All right, don't be shy, any suggestion will do. (There are none.) Okay then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball, should I never see Rachel again? (He turns it over and reads the answer) Ask again later. Later is not good enough. (He shakes it up again and reads the answer.) Ask again later. What the hell! This is broken! It-it is broken! Monica: All right, let me see. (She grabs the 8 ball.) Will Chandler have sex tonight? (Reads the answer.) Don't count on it. Seems like it works to me. [Scene: The Telethon, Joey answers his ringing phone.] Joey: (in an unenthusiastic voice) PBS Telethon. Phoebe: (on phone) Hi Joey. Joey: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200. Joey: $200? Are you sure Pheebs? I mean, after what Sesame Street did to ya? Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them but I also now that they bring happiness to lots of kids who's moms didn't k*ll themselves, so by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it. So there, a selfless good deed. Joey: And you don't a little good about donating the money? Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster. Joey: A hamster? What, those things are like 10 bucks. Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on. Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers…(He walks over to where Joey is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr. Joseph Tribbiani! Phoebe: Oh, look-look, Joey's on TV! Isn't that great? My pledge got Joey on TV! Oh that makes me feel—Oh no! (Realizes that her deed made her happy and therefore it's selfish and covers her mouth in horror.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is coming out of the bathroom carrying her cleaning gear.] Chandler: (entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best. Monica: Keep talking. Chandler: I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH…MY…GOD. Monica: Really? Chandler: Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to sex! Monica: Well, if we owe it? (She throws down her cleaning stuff and jumps into his arms.) Oh my… When is Joey gonna be home? Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She starts to take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on. Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom. Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves. Monica: Yeah. (She takes them off.) (He carries her over to the door and opens it.) Chandler: All right, let's show them how it's done. Monica: Okay. (He starts to carry her into the hallway but hits her head on the door.) Monica: Ow! Chandler: Y'know that wasn't part of it? Monica: I know! (He carries her into the hall.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is prying at the Magic 8 Ball with a screwdriver as there's a knock on his door which he goes to answer.] Rachel: (entering) Hi! Are you ready? We're gonna be late! Ross: For what? Rachel: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her grove back in like 20 minutes. Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily. Rachel: Sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. Yay! Ross: It's not that easy, there's still a lot of relationship stuff. Rachel: Like what? Ross: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants. Rachel: Well, why don't you talk to me about it, maybe I can help. Ross: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I kinda have to do this without your help. Rachel: Well, I-I know you can do that too. I'm just, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to… Hi! Ross: Thanks. Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. (The phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. (The phone keeps ringing.) Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy! Ross: (answering the phone.) Hello. (Listens) Hi sweetie. (Listens.) Good. Look umm, yes I've been thinking about that thing that you wanted me to do and, I can do it. (Rachel gives him a thumbs up.) So will you come to New York? (Rachel wants to know what she said, and he gives her a thumbs up and she goes over and hugs him. All the time not knowing what's going on.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, ??????? is playing, as Chandler peaks his head out of the storage closet and sneaks back to his seat and pretends he's reading something. Then a short while later Monica pokes her head out of the closet and sneaks back to her seat and sits down, pretending as if nothing has happened.] Monica: Never done that before. Chandler: Nope. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x04 - The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, 3:02 A.M., Chandler is up. There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.] Monica: (quietly) Hi! Chandler: (quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.) (Joey enters and Chandler pushes her away.) Joey: Monica? What time is it? Chandler: Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.) Joey: But it's dark out. Monica: Well that's because you always sleep to noon, silly! This is what 9 looks like. Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. (He goes into the bathroom.) Monica: I'm really getting tired of sneaking around. Chandler: I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole weekend? Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time. Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked. Chandler: Yeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing. Monica: Ohh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in Jersey! Chandler: Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. (He starts for his bedroom.) Monica: Wait! What about Joey? (Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey passed out on the toilet with a toothbrush in his mouth.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.] Monica: (entering from her room) Hey, guess what I'm doing this weekend! I'm going to this culinary fair in New Jersey. Phoebe: Oh weird, Chandler just told us he's got a conference there! Monica: Oh now that-that-that's funny, it seems like Chandler's conference could've been in Connecticut or Vermont. Chandler: I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference. Ross: (entering) Hey. Joey: Hey! Monica: Hey. Ross: Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her. Monica: No, she's out shopping. Ross: Damn! Chandler: What's going on? Ross: I told Emily to come. And I just need to y'know, talk to Rachel about it. Phoebe: Wait a minute! So when Emily comes you're just, you're not gonna see Rachel anymore? Ross: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I get to see my wife," part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. (He takes a big swig of Pepto Bismol.) Monica: Wow, so you guys are, you're never gonna be in the same room together? How is that even gonna work? Ross: I have no idea. I mean… But-but I assure you I will figure it out. (They all reflect briefly on what was said.) Joey: Doesn’t seem like it's going to work, I mean… Rachel: (entering) Hi, guys! Joey: Hi! Chandler: Uh, hey! Rachel: What's going on? Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress. Joey: So I'm thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it. Phoebe: Yeah that's better than my way. (They all agree and head to Monica's room.) Rachel: Oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine too? Chandler: Aww, man! (They go into Monica's room.) Rachel: (going through the mail) Oh look! A letter from my mom. Ross: So, Rach, y'know-y'know how Emily's coming right? Rachel: Oh yeah! I know. [Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler is trying to listen through the door.] Phoebe: (To Chandler) Can you hear anything? Chandler: Oh yes, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?" (Joey is bent over at the waist and is looking for something under Monica's bed.) Monica: Hey, Joey's ass! What are you doing? Joey: (holding a box) Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in her with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here. Monica: Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles… Phoebe: Ooh, Madlibs, mine! (Grabs it.) Chandler: Condoms? Joey: You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth. Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that? [Cut to the living room.] Ross: Anyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this, the last time I talked to Emily… Rachel: (interrupting) Oh my God! My dog died! Ross: What?! Rachel: Oh my God, Le Poo, our dog! Ross: Le Poo's still alive?! Rachel: Oh God, it says he was ht by an ice cream truck and dragged for nine-(turns over the note)-teen blocks. Oh. (They all come out from Monica's bedroom) Oh my God. Monica: Sweetie, we heard you crying. Please don't cry. Rachel: It's Le Poo. Phoebe: I know it's le poo right now, but it'll get better. [Scene: Atlantic City, New Jersey, Chandler and Monica are about to start their weekend of sex, sex, nothing but sex.] Chandler: (jumping on the bed) I can't believe it! We're here! Monica: Ooh, chocolates on the pillows! I love that! Chandler: Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os everywhere. Monica: Come here. (He does, and they kiss.) Okay, be right back. (Goes to the bathroom and Chandler turns on the TV and finds a high-speed police chase.) Chandler: Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on! (Monica returns, carrying a glass.) Monica: We're switching rooms. Chandler: (looks at what she's holding and shies away) Oh dear God, they gave us glasses! Monica: No, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them! I mean, if they didn't change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't change. (He glares at her.) Come on sweetie, I just want this weekend to be perfect, I mean we can change rooms, can't we? Chandler: Okay, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost it's feed! (He grabs their bags and sprints out.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to tell Rachel about Emily's ultimatum again.] Ross: Hey, so uh, y'know how there's something I wanted to talk to you about? Rachel: Oh yeah! (Turns to face him.) Ross: Well, y'know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well, there's this one thing… Okay, (Rachel has her back turned to the camera, and Ross isn't looking at her.) here goes. I made a promise that-(they cut to the other camera and Ross notices something coming out of Rachel's nose)-Oh hey! Rachel: What? Ross: You're nose is bleeding! Rachel: Oh God. (He hands her some tissues.) No! Oh not again! (Wiping her nose.) This-this happened when my grandfather died. It's ugh! Sorry. (She puts her head back.) Oh, okay, so I'm sorry, what-what were you-what did you want to tell me? Ross: Umm… (Rachel blows her nose.) Rachel: Sorry. Sorry. Ross: Okay, I uh, I can't see you anymore. Rachel: Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous! I can't see you either. [Scene: Chandler and Monica's weekend, a hotel clerk is showing them their new room.] Hotel Clerk: I think you'll find this room more to your liking. Chandler: Okay, great. (He grabs the remote and turns on the TV to the chase.) Hotel Clerk: (watching the chase) They say he's only got half a tnk left. Chandler: Half a tnk? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do! Monica: We're switching rooms again. Chandler: What? Why? Monica: This is a garden view room, and we paid for an ocean view room. Hotel Clerk: Our last ocean view room was unacceptable to you. Monica: (To Chandler) Excuse me, umm, can I talk to you over here for just a second? Chandler: Uh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off the TV.) Monica: Chandler! Chandler: (turning to face her) Yeah. Monica: Look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I'm not gonna let 'em! And we're not a couple of suckers! Chandler: I hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine okay? Can you just pick one so I can watch-(realizes)-have a perfect, magical weekend together with you. [Time lapse, Monica and Chandler have changed rooms yet again.] Monica: Okay, this one I like! Chandler: (watching TV, in fact, ER is on.) Nothing! It's over! Dammit! This is regularly scheduled programming! Monica: Can we turn the TV off? Okay? Do we really want to spend the entire weekend like this? Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun? Monica: Hey, don't blame me for wigging tonight! Chandler: Oh, who should I blame? The nice bell man who had to drag out luggage to 10 different rooms? Monica: I don't know, how about the idiot who thought he could drive from Albany to Canada on a half a tnk of gas! Chandler: Do not speak ill of the dad. Monica: We're supposed to uh, be spending a romantic weekend together, it-it, what is the matter with you? Chandler: I just want to watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez, relax mom. Monica: What did you say? Chandler: I said, "Geez, relax Monnnnn." [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading a magazine and has two tissues stuck up her nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding and as she hears Ross enter, she quickly hides her face behind the magazine and removes the tissues.] Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now and I really, I just have to get it out. Rachel: Okay, what's up? Ross: Okay, y'know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage? Rachel: Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants. Ross: And while that was good advice, you should know that what-what she wants… Rachel: Yeah? Ross: …is for me not to see you anymore. Rachel: That's crazy! You can't do that! What are you going to tell her? (Pause) (Realizes) Oh God. Ohh, you already agreed to this, haven't you? Ross: It's awful I know, I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have too. But the good thing is we can still see each other until she gets here. Rachel: Ohh! Lucky me! Oh my God! That is good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Le Poo died! Ross: You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. This is so hard. Rachel: Oh yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? Okay, well let me make this a just a little bit easier for you. Ross: What are you doing? Rachel: Storming out! Ross: Rachel, this is your apartment. Rachel: Yeah, well that's how mad I am!! Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is returning from his disastrous weekend. He throws his bag down and sits down on one of the leather chairs, but he sits on something and picks it up and throws it away.] Chandler: Damn Rollos! Joey: Hey, you're back! Chandler: Hey. Joey: How was your conference? Chandler: It was terrible. I fought with (Pause) my colleagues y'know, the entire time. Are you kidding with this? (Throws away another Rollo) Joey: Oh, so your weekend was a total bust? Chandler: Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator. Monica: (entering) Hi! Joey: Hey, you're back too! Monica: Yeah. Umm, Chandler can I talk to you outside for a second? Joey: Hey, how was your chef thing? Monica: Oh, it was awful. (To Chandler) I guess some people just don't appreciate really good food. Chandler: Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea. Monica: Chandler! (Motions for him to come outside.) Chandler: Monica. (Follows her out.) [In the hall.] Monica: Okay, I'd like to know how much the room was because I'd like to pay my half. Chandler: Okay, fine, $300. Monica: 300 dollars?! Chandler: Yeah, just think of it as $25 per room! Monica: Urghh!! Joey: (sticking his head out the door) What are you guys woofing about? Monica: Chandler stole a twenty from my purse! Joey: Nooooo!!! Y'know what? Now that I think about it, I constantly find myself without twenties and you always have lots! [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is drinking some Alka-Seltzer. The rest of the gng, minus Rachel is there as well.] Ross: You should've seen the look on her face. I don't want Rachel to hate me! I don't know what to do. Joey: You want my advice? Ross: Yes! Please! Joey: You're not gonna like it. Ross: That's okay. Joey: You got married to fast. Ross: That's not advice! Joey: I told ya. Ross: I'm going to the bathroom. (Gets up and exits.) Joey: Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I couldn't do it. Chandler and Phoebe: Yeah, me either. Monica: Maybe I could do it. Rachel: (entering) Hi! Joey: Hi, Rach. Chandler: Hi! Phoebe: Hey. Monica: Hey. Rachel: Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross but y'know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I'd just love not to talk about it. All right? Joey: I-I-I don't know if this falls under this category, but uh, Ross is right back there. (Points over his shoulder.) Rachel: That's not Ross! Phoebe: Oh no! Not that guy! He does look like him though. Chandler: Okay, Ross is in the bathroom. Rachel: Oh my God, its happening. It's already started. I'm Kip. Joey: Hey, you're not Kip! Rachel: (To Joey) Do you even know who Kip is? Joey: Who cares? You're Rachel! (To Chandler) Who's Kip? Chandler: Kip, my old roommate, y'know we all used to hang out together. Joey: Oh, that poor bastard. Rachel: See? Yeah, you told me the story. He and Monica dated when they broke up they couldn't even be in the same room together and you all promised that you would stay his friend and what happened? He got phased out! Monica: You're not gonna be phased out! Rachel: Well, of course I am! It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your brother. (To Chandler) He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go. Phoebe: Ehh!! Rachel: Honey, come on! You live far away! You're not related. You lift right out. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at called. Said someone left an eyelash curler in your room. Chandler: Yes that was mine. Joey: 'Cause I figured you'd hooked up with some girl and she'd left it there. Chandler: Yes that would have made more sense. Joey: Y'know, I-I don't even feel like I know you anymore man! All right, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time. And whatever you say, I'll believe ya. (Pause.) Were you, or were you not on a gay cruise?! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on couch and Rachel is getting some coffee. Phoebe keeps turning her head from to keep from looking at Rachel.] Rachel: Phoebe? (She turns her head further away.) I'm sorry about the whole lifting out thing. (Moves over next to her.) You gotta come with me! Phoebe: Come where? Rachel: Wherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new group, we're the best ones. Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey too. Ross: (entering) Pheebs, you mind if I speak to Rachel alone for a sec? Phoebe: Oh, sure! (She gets up to leave.) Bye Ross! (Whispering behind his back.) Forever. Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi. What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules? Ross: I talked to Monica, look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the one who's making things change, so I should be the one to y'know, step back. Rachel: Oh, Ross… Ross: No, no, it's okay. Really. They're plenty of people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college roommates at reunions and just see Joey at Burger King. So is, is that better? Rachel: No, it's not better. I still don't get to see you. Ross: Well, what-what would you do? Rach, if you were me, what-what would you do? Rachel: Well, for starters I would've said the right name at my wedding! Ross: I can't believe this is happening. Rachel: I know. Ross: I am so sorry. Rachel: I know that too. Joey: (entering) (He clears his throat to get their attention.) Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt but umm, Phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a trip or something. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing a crossword puzzle.] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hi. Chandler: I just came over to drop off…nothing. So that weekend kinda sucked, huh? Monica: Yeah, it did. Chandler: So, I guess this is over. Monica: What? Chandler: Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime. Monica: Why, exactly? Chandler: Because of the weekend, we had a fight. Monica: Chandler that's crazy! If you give up every time you'd have a fight with someone you'd never be with anyone longer than—Ohhh! (They both realize something there.) Chandler: So, this isn't over? Monica: (laughs) You are so cute! No. No, it was a fight. You deal with it and move on! It's nothing to freak out about. Chandler: Really? Okay. Great! Monica: Ohh, welcome to an adult relationship! (She goes to kiss him.) Chandler: (stops her) We're in a relationship? Monica: I'm afraid so. Chandler: Okay. (They kiss.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention. Monica: Yeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator. (Joey thinks that sounds familiar, but dismisses the thought.) Monica: Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler, I think I lost mine. Rachel: Yeah, it's in there. (Points to the bathroom.) (Joey puts two and two together.) Joey: (shocked) Oh! Ohh! Oh!! Chandler: Joey, can I talk to you for a second? (He grabs him and starts to drag Joey into Monica's room.) Joey: Oohh!! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!! (Chandler pushes him through the door and Monica closes it behind them.) [Cut to Monica's room, Chandler tackles Joey onto her bed and tries to cover his mouth.] Joey: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Chandler: Yes. Yes. (Lets him up.) Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?! Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows! Joey: How?! When?! Chandler: It happened in London. Joey: IN LONDON!!! Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone! (They both grab him and stop him.) Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't! Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell. (Joey thinks it over.) Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great, but… Monica: I know, it's great! (She goes over and kisses Chandler.) Joey: Aww, I don't want to see that! [Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.] Phoebe: We're so stupid! Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey! Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the g*ng, minus Ross are playing Madlibs. Phoebe is reading hers.] Phoebe: The most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe. And if you win, you must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say, "Hi, Phoebe!" Monica: Oh that's cute! We really all enjoyed it. But y'know, it doesn't count. Phoebe: Count for what? Monica: Count in our heads as-as good Madlibs. (They putting their notepads down and get up to leave.) Joey: I guess I'm done. Chandler: Fun's over! Monica: Wait-wait, guys! If-if we follow the rules, it's still fun and it means something! Rachel: Uh-huh! Joey: I think I'm gonna take-off. Monica: Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun! (They all leave and close the door on Monica.) Ohhh! (Throws her notepad down in disgust.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x05 - The One With All the Kips"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are making out on one of the chairs.] Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! None of that, not while you're living under my roof! Monica: What?! Joey: Look, just because I know about you two, doesn't mean I like looking at it. Chandler: Aren't you supposed to be at an audition for another hour? Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman! (Starts for his room.) And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition! Okay, look, if I have to pretend I don't know about you two, then you two are gonna have to pretend there's nothing to know about. Chandler and Monica: Okay. Monica: Sorry. Chandler: Sorry. (They wait for Joey to go into his room and close the door and then start making out again.) Joey: (from the bedroom) I can hear that! Monica: (To Chandler) Rachel's at work. (They both go to her apartment.) (Pause.) Joey: I can still hear you! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are there as Phoebe enters carrying a large box.] Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hello! Monica: Hey, what's that? Phoebe: Yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother. Can you believe it?! A year ago I didn't even have a family, and now I have heirlooms for crying out loud. (She puts her leg up on the chair and removes this huge Knfe from her boot to open the box with. The guys are shocked at the Knfe's existence.) Phoebe: Eeeee-(She opens the box and removes its contents and sees that it's a fur coat.)-ohh!! God! (She throws it at Joey.) Joey: Argh-argh!! (Catches the coat.) Ooh, soft. Is this mink? Phoebe: Yeah! Why would my mother send me a fur? Doesn't she know me but at all! Plus, I have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make! Chandler: Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents an hour. (Phoebe stares at him wide-eyed. Chandler sees her reaction.) That didn't happen, I made that up! Ross: (entering) Hey! gn: Oh, Ross? Ross! You can't put up flyers in here. Ross: How come? Everybody else does. gn: You can't. Monica: What is that? Ross: Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things. Monica: (looking at the flyer) This is all of your things. Ross: Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good it's—Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Y'know brand new. Monica: So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale. Ross: Touched. Used. Sat on. Sleep on. gn: I'll take it all. Joey: Hey, Ross, you're okay with that? Ross: Look, if I can just do what Emily wants and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will be fine. Chandler: Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme? Ross: After what I did? Can you blame her? Phoebe: Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Silvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green. (Ross suddenly gets up and heads for the bathroom.) Joey: (after Ross is gone) What is he doing? What, Emily, thinks Ross's furniture has got Rachel coodies? Monica: Now calm down Joey. Joey: No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops seeing us! Phoebe: Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing. Chandler: Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence… Monica: Look, I'm not happy about this either, but y'know if-if Ross says he's happy then we're just gonna have to keep our feelings about Emily to ourselves. Are you cool with that? Joey: No! But y'know, I'm an actor, I'll act cool. [Scene: The Storage Room in the basement of Monica and Rachel's building, Monica and Rachel are looking for something.] Rachel: Ohh, whoa God! Storage rooms give me the creeps! Monica, come on please hurry up honey! Please? Monica: Rachel, if you want the little round waffles, you gotta have to wait until I find the little waffle iron. Rachel: I want the little round waffles. Monica: All right. (Looking through a box.) Op, here it is! Right underneath the can of-of bug bmb. I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is underneath the can of poison? (The single light flickers and goes out. Leaving the room in total darkness.) Rachel: Okay, y'know what? I'll-I'll have toast! (She starts to run out but is stopped by a figure looming out of the darkness carrying a pick axe.) Rachel: Arghhhh!!!!!! (They both start screaming at the top of their lungs.) Monica: Oh my God! Fog him! Fog him! (Rachel grabs the bug bmb, activates it, throws it at the figure, and they both run out through the fog.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there.] Phoebe: I don't know what I'm gonna do about this coat. Joey: I'll take it! Phoebe: That might work! (She gives him the coat.) Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah! (He drapes it around his shoulders.) Enh? All right, what do you think? Chandler: You're on in 5 Ms. Minnelli. Ross: (on the phone) No-no-no, it's just a bit sudden. (Listens) No, it's great. Okay? I'm totally on board. I love you too, all righty. Bye. (Hangs up.) Joey: What's the matter Ross? Ross: Nothing. Oh, actually, great news! I just got off the phone with Emily and it looks like I'm moving to a new apartment. Woo-hoo! Phoebe: Why? Ross: Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new furniture, why not a fresh new apartment? Her cousin has this great place to sublet, it's got a view of the river on one side and Columbia on the other. Joey: That's way uptown! That's like three trains away! (Phoebe pinches him.) Which is great! I love to ride that rail! Chandler: So you're really okay with this? Ross: Yes! Yes! I mean it's-it's kinda far from work, but uh, y'know, I'll get so much done on the commute. I-I've been given the gift of time! Chandler: Now that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum. (Ross exits.) Joey: Now he's movin'? Man, what is Emily doing to him? (Phoebe pinches him again.) Ow!! He's not even here!!! (Monica and Rachel enter breathless.) Rachel: You guys! You guys! Monica: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man! Rachel: It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something! Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bmb on him! Rachel: (proud of herself) Yeah, I-I-I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass! Joey: Uhh, like dark hair, bushy beard? Rachel: Yeah! Joey: Yeah, you fogged Danny. Rachel: Please! We did not fog Danny! Who's Danny? Joey: Dan just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he just got back from like this four-month trek in the Andes. Nice fella. Monica: Oh he's nice. He's nice! Y'know, you always stick up for the people we fog! [Scene: Their Building, Monica and Rachel are going to apologize to Danny. Rachel knocks on his door, which he opens and he has this really bushy beard and long hair. Picture Paul Bunyan.] Danny: Yeah? Rachel: Hi! You might not remember us, but we are the girls that fogged you. Monica: We're-we're really sorry we fogged you. Danny: Okay. (He closes the door. Rachel's not happy with that and knocks again. He opens the door.) Rachel: Hi! Just so you know, we-we didn't mean to fog you, we thought you were like a yeti or something. Danny: Okay. (He closes the door again. Once again, Rachel knocks (harder this time) and he answers it.) Danny: Yesss? Rachel: Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I don't think we can accept your acceptance of our apology, it just doesn't really seem like you mean it. Monica: Yeah. Danny: O-kay! (He closes the door before Rachel can say anything.) Monica: Wow! That guy is so rude! Rachel: Really! What is with that guy? I mean you'd forgive me if I fogged you. Monica: Well you did a little bit. Rachel: Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry! Monica: I totally forgive you! Rachel: Really? Monica: Yes! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a drink as Phoebe enters with the fur coat.] Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: So listen, you know my friend Chris who owns the crematorium? Monica: Crematorium Chris? Sure! Phoebe: He says, that he would cremate my fur coat for free if I umm, y'know, bring in the next person I know who dies. (Rachel enters from the bathroom and sees the coat.) Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God, look at these pelts! Monica: Don't get too attached, she's having it cremated. Rachel: What? Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a crime against nature! Not nature, fashion! Phoebe: This is fashion?! (Grabs the coat from Rachel.) Okay, so to you, death is fashion?! That's really funny. (She puts the coat on and starts to model it.) Here's Phoebe umm, sporting uh, y'know, cutting edge hairy carcass from y'know, the steal traps of wintry Russia. I mean, you really thing this looks good? (Sees herself in the mirror.) 'Cause I do. [Scene: Ross's Apartment, the gng is helping Ross move out by carrying boxes. Chandler has picked a particularly large and apparently heavy box, because he takes a running start at it and still can't budge it.] Ross: (on phone) I know I miss you too. I can't wait to see you. I love you. Bye. (Hangs up.) Chandler: Okay, what is in here? Rocks? Ross: No-no, this is my collection of fossil samples. Chandler: So, rocks. (He picks up a smaller box and carries it to the moving van as Joey returns.) Ross: I'm really gonna miss this apartment. Y'know, Ben-Ben took his first steps right over there. (Points.) Joey: Ohh. Hey, remember when I ran into this thing (The shutters that close off the kitchen.) and it kinda knocked me out a little? Ross: I loved this place! To tell you the truth, I wish I didn't have to move. Joey: Uhh, are you saying that you're not entirely happy about this? Ross: Well, I mean if uh, if Emily gave me a choice… Joey: You do have a choice!! Ross, why are you listening to her?! Are you, are you crazy?! Ross: Why? Joey: It's not right what Emily wants you to do! She is totally-(The gng enters behind Joey and Phoebe pinches him again.)-Owww!! Stop pinching me! Look, now you guys said I only had to keep my mouth shut as long as Ross was happy, right? Well he just told me that he's not entirely happy. Ross: What's going on? Joey: We all hate Emily! Phoebe: Nooo!! Monica: No, Ross, we do not hate Emily. We-we just, we just think that you're having to sacrifice a whole lot to make her happy. Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Look, we just think that maybe she's being a little unreasonable. Joey: Yes! Yes! Unreasonable! Ross: Unreasonable? How about we have this conversation when one of you guys gets married! You have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work! All right, it's about compromise! Do you always like it? No! Do you do it? Yes! Because it's not all laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Perk all the time! It's real life, okay? It's what grown-ups do! (He storms out.) Phoebe: I think he's right. You guys hang out at the coffeehouse way too much. Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are recovering from Ross's rebuke.] Monica: God, I feel so guilty about Ross. Phoebe: Oh, I know. Joey: I kinda feel like it's my fault. (Monica and Chandler turn and stare at him.) Chandler: Kind of? If you just kept this to yourself none of this would've happened. Joey: Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound to slip out! (He glares at Chandler.) Chandler: Well, I think it's very brave what you said. (Monica pats Joey on the shoulder.) Phoebe: All right, I can't sit here anymore. I have to walk places. (She puts on her fur coat.) Chandler: Pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal rights thing? Phoebe: Well, I've been reading up and for your information, minks are not very nice. Okay, I admit it! I love this coat! Okay, I—it's the best thing I've ever had wrapped around me, including Phil Huntley! (She starts to leave but stops and says to Monica.) Remember Phil Huntley? He was fine! [Scene: Their building's lobby, Danny is checking his mailbox as Rachel enters carrying shopping bags and goes to her mailbox. Danny has shaved his beard and cut his hair, Rachel doesn't recognize him.] Rachel: Hi! Danny: So you like the short hair better. Rachel: What? Yeti—I mean Danny? Danny: I had to cut my hair to get rid of the uh, fogger smell. Rachel: Oh. Listen, I'm so sorry. I would, I would've never fogged you if y'know if you hadn't looked so…. Y'know. Danny: Absolutely. Some people are just into appearances. Rachel: (shocked) What? Danny: That's cool. Cool. (Starts to leave.) Rachel: What? Hey! No-no-no! This not cool! You don't even know me! Danny: Come on, you got the shopping bags and the Sack's catalog. Rachel: So from that you think you've got me all figured out? Well, you don't! Y'know I-I could have toys for underprivileged kids in here! Danny: Do you? Rachel: Well, y'know, if-if kids like to play with Capri pants. Danny: Okay. (Heads for his apartment.) Rachel: And stop saying that! I hate that! Danny: Okay! (Rachel decides not to give up that easily and follows him to his apartment and bangs on the door, which he opens.) Rachel: Fine! I judged you. I made a snap judgement. But you did it too! And you are worse because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgement! You can't even open up your mind for a second to see if you're wrong! What does that say about you? Danny: The pizza-place across the street any good? Rachel: What?! Danny: I'm hungry. Wanna get some pizza? You can keep yelling if there's more. Rachel: Okay. Okay. Danny: Stop saying that. I hate that. [Scene: Ross's now empty apartment, he is spackling some holes shut as the gng comes to apologize.] Chandler: Uh, Ross? Phoebe: Are you still mad at us? Ross: Yep. Phoebe: Oh good! Because we have an "I'm sorry" song. Ross: Y'know what? I'm really not in the mood. Joey: Look, Ross, I feel really bad. I mean, you're going through all this stuff and I just acted like a jerk. Chandler: Yeah, we are so sorry. Phoebe: (To Chandler) You're kinda stepping on the song. (She gets ready to play but is stopped by…) Joey: Look, we were way out of line, we totally support you. Monica: Whatever you decide, whatever you do. Phoebe: Okay, now you're just taking lines right out of the song! Ross: Look, this is hard enough! I really need you guys right now. Phoebe: Yes! Exactly! And that's why… (She starts to play her song, but is stopped by Monica.) Monica: Why don't you come over tonight? And I'll make you favorite dinner. Ross: Okay. Thanks you guys. Pheebs are you wearing fur? Phoebe: Okay, let's get some perspective people; it's not like I'm wearing a seeing-eye dog coat! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gng, minus Rachel, are getting ready for dinner.] Joey: Hey, y'know Ross, I think I kinda understand why I kinda lost it today. Ross: You do, huh? Joey: Yeah you see umm, well, I'm an actor. Right? So I gotta keep my emotions right at the surface y'know? See what I'm saying? I gotta lot of balls in the air. (Makes like he's juggling.) Y'know what I mean? It's tough! Guys like me, y'know, you wander around, you're alone… Ross: What are you talking about? Joey: (thinks) I'm not sure. Rachel: (entering) Hi! Monica: Hey, look at you! Where have you been? Rachel: Oh, I went to have pizza. With Danny. Monica: How did that happen? Rachel: That yeti is one smooth talker. Monica: I hope you're not full, 'cause dinner's almost ready. Rachel: Yeah, y'know I-I think I'm just gonna hang out in my room. All: No! Why? Rachel: Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily knew I was here having dinner you with you she would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I really… I don't mind. Ross: Wait! Wait! Wait! Y'know what? Just stay. Please? It uh… It would really mean a lot to me if you stayed. Rachel: Ross, I… Joey: RACHEL PLEASE!!! JUST HAVE DINNER WITH US!!! Rachel: Okay. Okay. Joey, it's okay. Settle down. Joey: All right, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You see Rach I'm an actor… [Time lapse, dinner is now finished and Ross is looking out the window.] Ross: Hey! Hey, look! Ugly Naked Guy's back! (They all run over to the window.) Rachel: I haven't seen him in so long! Phoebe: Oh God, I really missed that fat bastard! (Pause.) Monica: Wow, this is so weird. I just realized this might be the last time we'll all be hanging out together. Joey: It's almost as if he knew. (The phone rings.) Monica: I'll get it. (On phone.) Hello. (Listens.) Hi Emily! (Listens.) Yeah, uh you-you tracked him down. Hold on one second. (She hands the phone to Ross.) Ross: Hey! (Listens.) Yeah-yeah, we're just having dinner. (Listens.) Uh, yeah, sure uh hold on. (To the gng.) She wants to say hi. (To Emily) Hold on. (Ross puts her on speakerphone.) Phoebe: Hi Emily! Chandler: Hi! Emily: Hello everyone. So who am I saying hello too? Joey: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!! Emily: (laughs) Well, I should hope not. Ross knows better than that by now. (Rachel waves her hands in disgust and starts to head for her room.) Ross: Y'know what? Uh, Rachel is here! (Rachel stops.) Emily: She's there?! Chandler: Oh yeah, there-there she is! Ross: Yeah, yeah, she's here. Emily: Ross, take me off speakerphone. (He does so.) Ross: (on phone) Hi. Emily: How can you do this too me?! I thought I'd made my feelings about Rachel perfectly clear! Ross: (going onto the patio) Look Emily, I'm just having dinner with my friends, okay? Emily: You obviously can't keep away from her. Ross: Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to New York. Okay, you'll see you're the only person I want to be with. Emily: I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can know where you are all the time. Ross: Well, you can't know where I am all the time. Look, this marriage is never gonna work if you don't trust me. Emily: You're right. Ross: So, can you trust me? (Pause.) Emily: No. (Ross lowers his head.) [Cut to the inside of the apartment.] Joey: I think it's going okay. Looks like he's smiling. Monica: How can you tell? You can only see the back of his head! Joey: You can totally tell! Here look, watch me. (He stands up and turns his back to them so that he is facing the window.) Smile! Frown. Smile! Frown. (The camera cuts to Ross outside hanging up the phone.) Smile! (Ross turns around and sees Joey alternately smiling and frowning and just stares at him for a second and heads back inside.) Ross: Well, I guess that's it. All: Why, what happened? Joey: What happened? What happened? Ross: My marriage is over. All: What?! Monica: Oh, sweetie. Oh, look at you. You're shivering. Phoebe: Here. (She wraps her coat around his shoulders.) Rachel: Ross, honey, is there anything we can do? Ross: Yeah. You can help me get my furniture back from gn. Ending Credits [Scene: A curbside newsstand, Phoebe is whistling and walking up to it wearing her fur coat. She stops and starts to look through a magazine and notices a squirrel on a nearby tree chirping at her.] Phoebe: (to the squirrel) Okay, stop tormenting me! This mink! Okay, they're mean! And they hate squirrels! And y'know, okay, most of these probably wanted to be coats! (The squirrel stares at her.) All right, fine, now I get it. (To the clerk.) Here. (She hands him her coat.) You take it. (To the squirrel.) Are you happy now? I'm cold! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x06 - The One With The Yeti"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Perry Rein & Gigi McCreery Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is looking at a National Geographic and giggling.] Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribe's women? Joey: No, look. (Shows him the magazine.) Chandler: That's a pig. Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her. (Ross enters and his hair is a mess.) Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.) Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out! Chandler: What?! Joey: Why? Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back. Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease? Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family! Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya! Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair! Joey: Yeah. Ross: You got it. Joey: Okay. Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad. (Joey starts giggling.) Ross: What? Chandler: He thought you said gonad. (Joey busts out laughing.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica's restaurant, she is getting inspected by the health department, Phoebe is watching.] Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living. Monica: Oh, Larry. Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission? Larry: No, bribes. (Phoebe laughs.) Phoebe: It's okay to laugh right? Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding. Phoebe: Okay. (She laughs harder.) Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors. Monica: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry. (He goes into the kitchen.) Phoebe: Yum-my! Monica: Larry? Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors. Larry: (entering) A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation. Monica: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen. Larry: And where is your hat? Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it. (She heads for the kitchen door and just after she goes through the door…) Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points. Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show! Larry: Oh, I don't know about that. Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda. Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime. Phoebe: Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places to eat. Larry: I-I'll call ya. Phoebe: Okay. (Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and makes a quick sidestep to go out the right door.) Phoebe: He's so funny! (She imitates what he just did.) [Scene: Central Perk, gn is serving Monica and Rachel.] Monica: Thanks. Rachel: Thank you. (To Monica) Mon? Monica: Hmm? Rachel: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff. Monica: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try… Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced. Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married. (Danny enters.) Danny: (To gn) Two pounds of Moca Java please. Monica: (To Monica) Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again? Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing. Danny: (To them) Hey! Rachel: Hi Danny! (Notices his box of liquor he's carrying.) Wow! Thirsty huh? Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house warming kind of thing. Monica: Ohh, fun! Rachel: Ohh, great! Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. Rachel: Yeah. Danny: Okay, see ya. (Heads out.) Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house. Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out. Monica: And you're not gonna do that. Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it? Monica: So-so there is no party. Rachel: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me? Monica: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you. Rachel: Exactly. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they're entering to find boxes strewn about the apartment.] Joey: Ross? Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey roomies! Chandler: Love what you've done with the place. Ross: Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here. Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don't—I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine. Chandler: Oh yeah! Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. (He plays the greeting, and We Will Rock You starts to play and Ross's voice comes over it.) We will, we will, call you back! Joey: Hey, all right! Ross: Pretty cool, huh? (They both laugh as Ross heads back to the bathroom.) Joey: (To Chandler) You're fake laughing too, right? Chandler: Oh, the tears are real. [Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Larry are having dinner.] Larry: You look beautiful this evening. Phoebe: (smiles) Show me the badge again. (He looks around and flashes her his badge and she laughs.) Phoebe: Shiny. Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because I came straight from work and who knows where these babies (Holds up his hands) have been. Phoebe: (laughing) You are just nonstop! (He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some pepper and salt on her food. With the salt she takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as she faces us.) Larry: (coming back) We're outta here! Phoebe: Why?! Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this place down! Phoebe: (awed) You have the power to do that? Larry: This does. (Shows her his badge.) Phoebe: (excited) Shut it down. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is entering. As he closes the door, Joey pokes his head up from a box enclosure built using the 2 chairs.] Joey: Hey. Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: Nothing. Chandler: You built a fort didn't ya? Joey: (smiles) Kinda. Chandler: (notices something) Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard through 4 years of college was (makes a humming noise.) Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once and a while. Chandler: I hate this thing! Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is opening the door.] Rachel: Oh, hi Danny. Danny: Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night. Monica: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by. Rachel: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy. Monica: You are? Rachel: Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala. Danny: Yeah, what's the gala for? Rachel: It's a uh, regatta gala. Danny: Really! You-you sail? Rachel: No-no, but I support it. Danny: Okay, (To Monica) hope I see you tomorrow night. Monica: Okay. Danny: Take care. (Leaves.) Rachel: Okay. (Closes the door.) Walked right into that one didn't he? Monica: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it! Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me right back in the driver seat. Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court? Rachel: Ball? There is no ball. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Ross is working on his computer and Joey is making a lot of noise.] Ross: (glaring at him) Joey, please! (Motions to his computer.) Joey: Sorry. (Joey starts playing with a toy alligator and has it attck him.) Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhh… (Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay, this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. Now take you fingers and point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the first knuckle counting up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no your other right (that was for the dyslexics), and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a bird's wing. Now hunch your shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying face, but I don't want to try and describe it as well.) Chandler: (entering) Hello children! Joey: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please? Chandler: Okay. (Starts to head for where the foosball table usually is.) Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on! (They go into his bedroom.) Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? (Imitates Ross's 'quiet down' maneuver, but does move his hands up and down he just flaps his hands as if he's waving good-bye.) Chandler: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand? Joey: No, the quiet down thing! Chandler: You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.) Joey: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that had been prn? Chandler: (gasps) All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him! Joey: All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game. Chandler: Okay. (They start playing.) Chandler: No-no-no-no! Joey: YES!! Ross: (entering) Uh fellas, (Does the maneuver and gives them a double thumbs up, which Chandler returns as he closes the door.) Chandler: Okay, so he's out of here. Joey: Um-hmm. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.] Joey: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Joey: You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken and it was closed! Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it down! Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?! Monica: I don't know, clean places? Joey: Umm, yum! (There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.) Monica: (looking through the peephole) It's Danny. Rachel: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala. Monica: (to Danny) We'll be right there! (To Rachel) Can't you just say it starts later? Rachel: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?! Monica: The fake kind! (She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.) Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle? Monica: We have a ladle. (Gives him one.) Danny: Thanks, see you at the party. Monica: Okay, great! (He leaves and she closes the door.) Phoebe: Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, "See you ladle." (Laughs.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are there. Chandler and Joey are looking through the paper.] Chandler: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings? Ross: I'll take sports. Joey: Mine! (He grabs it.) Ross: All right. Uhh, international. Joey: Oh that's mine too! (Grabs it and Ross looks at him.) I'm Italian! Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here. Chandler: Not even on page 7? Ross: (looks) Oh yeah! You're—hey, you're right! Here's an affordable place, (reading ad) two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks! Chandler: What about that circled one? Ross: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio. Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it? Chandler: Yes, it is. Joey: Hey, let's go look at it! (They both jump up.) Ross: Okay, let's go. Joey: Okay! Chandler: There we go! Ross: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it. Chandler: Let's go quicker. Joey: Yeah! [Scene: The apartment in the listing, the guys are checking it out. There's one problem though, it's roughly the size of this computer screen. As they enter Joey lets out a whistle.] Ross: Oh my God! (Looking around, which doesn't take him long.) Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub. Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place. (They don't move, just look all around them.) Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking. Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now! Chandler: Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks. Joey: Yeah. (He looks at them.) Ross: (To Joey) So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place? Joey: Oh, it's perfect! Ross: (To Chandler) How about you? Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom. Ross: All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and fill out an application. (He exits.) Chandler: We are bad people. Joey: He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! (Pause.) You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen? [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there waiting for Larry.] Larry: (entering) Hey, ready for dinner? Phoebe: Ooh, absolutely! Larry: Great! How about you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker Street right? Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! (Thinks about it.) So, no. Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's? Phoebe: Enh. Sure! Larry: (notices something) I wonder how long that milk (on the counter) has been setting out. Phoebe: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! That—this milk is mine. I bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. (She takes a swig of it, but has to turn away from him as she makes a face to show that it has gone bad.) Okay, let's go! (Just as they're about to leave, gn comes out of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees this and stops him.) Larry: Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit? gn: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place. Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health?! Phoebe: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever? Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a warning. Phoebe: Thank you. (To gn, who's standing there frozen) Okay, go! Go! Go! (He runs off.) (To Larry) Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are lamenting about how they kicked Ross out.] Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet! Chandler: Yes that was a nice place! Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag! Joey: Yeah! (Pause.) Chandler: What are we gonna do? Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza? Chandler: About Ross! Joey: Oh! Oh! (The phone rings and Joey answers it.) Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable. Chandler: (grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp! (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello? (The apartment manager hung up on him and he hangs up the phone and throws in on the chair. Joey motions, "What the hell was that?" Chandler makes a face to say, "Think about it." Joey tries to divide 136 by 13; he's confused. Suddenly, light dawns on yonder dunder head. He gets it.) Chandler: Ohhhhh! (Joey motions, "Now, that's thinking!") [Scene: Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and Rachel are coming down the stairs and Rachel has on a coat to make it look as if she's just getting back. But just as they reach the landing they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest, Rachel then quickly pulls Monica back up the stairs.] Rachel: sht, sht, this is never gonna work! He's right there! Monica: Just go over and say hi. Rachel: No, I have to go downstairs and come back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy. (Monica obeys.) Monica: Hey, Danny! Danny: Hey! What's going on? Monica: (turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's saying this Rachel tries to head downstairs but is blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to keep him distracted longer.) So umm, what's this? (Points to his plate.) Danny: Salad. Monica: Ooooh! (Rachel now succeeds in getting downstairs.) And-and-and what-what's this? (Points again.) Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef? (Rachel returns.) Monica: (upon seeing Rachel she points) Oh. Danny: Hey! Rachel! Rachel: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party. Danny: Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could make it. Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime. Danny: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. (He heads off.) Rachel: Yeah, sure. (To Monica) All right, whose court is the ball in now? Monica: I thought there wasn't a ball? Rachel: Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place! Danny: (returning, with a friend) Rachel, this is my friend Tom. (To Tom) This is the girl I told you about. Rachel: Oh, go on! You telling people about me? Danny: You two could really ht it off! I'm gonna go mingle. (Leaves.) Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies. Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, okay, at ease solider! Tom: I'm sorry? Rachel: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros! Tom: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend. Rachel: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, "Nice try." (He walks off.) Rachel: Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park! Monica: I think I need a drink. Rachel: Yeah! (They go get a drink.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross still has boxes all over the place. Joey is wearing a football helmet, and Chandler is spinning him around in one of the chairs and counting.] Chandler: 98. 99. 100. Okay, go! Joey: (getting up) Dude, I'm telling ya! I'm fine! (He tries to take a step and falls flat on his face.) (He tries to get up again and starts falling backwards and Chandler catches him.) Chandler: Here we go! Here we go! (Ross enters.) Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Hey. So I uh, I didn't get that apartment. Some problem with my application. Joey: You're kidding! Chandler: You're kidding, no! Ross: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So… Joey: But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross! We're-we're roomies! Ross: Look, you guys don't need me here taking up your space. Joey: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there (Points to where the window is but sees that there isn't any space there and points towards his door.) by-by that speaker. Please, just stay! Chandler: Yeah! Ross: Are you guys sure about this? Joey: Definitely! Chandler: Yes! Ross, you have to stay! Ross: All right. Joey: All right! Chandler: All right, buddy! Ross: So I'm a pimp huh? It's okay! Look, I know that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me. Tell me if something is bothering you. Okay? And for my part I will do everything I can to keep my annoying habits just (Does the 'quiet down' maneuver). (Chandler and Joey smile, but when Ross turns away look at each other with looks of horror.) Ending Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.] Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much? Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun! Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat? Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea! (Chandler does so.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x07 - The One Where Ross Moves In"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Greg Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone has just finished Thanksgiving dinner and are groaning over their fullness.] Rachel: Oh Monica that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever! I think you klled us. Ross: I couldn't possibly eat another bite. Joey: I need something sweet. Phoebe: Does anyone wanna watch TV? All: Yeah, sure. (She starts pushing the power button on the remote, but it's not facing the TV so it doesn't work.) Phoebe: Monica your remote doesn't work. Monica: Phoebe, you have to lift it and point. Phoebe: Oh. Aw, forget it. Rachel: Yeah, you know what we should all do? We should play that game where everyone says one thing that they're thankful for. Joey: Ooh-ooh, I! I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having. Monica: That's very nice. Chandler: That's sweet, Joey. Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh! Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs. (Note: Actually, I think every guy is thankful for thongs. That and spandex. J ) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Joey is talking about the wonder that is the thong.] Joey: I mean, it's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering. I mean, it's amazing how much they can do with so little material! And the way they play with your mind! Is it there? Is it not there? Chandler: Are you aware that you're still talking? Monica: Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong? Ross: Huh, I don't know what to pick. Am I more thankful for my divorce or my eviction? Hmm. Phoebe: Wow! See, and I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything. Ross: I'm sorry. It's just that this is the worse Thanksgiving ever. Chandler: No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me. Rachel: Oh, you're not gonna tell the whole story about how your parents got divorced again are you? Ross: Oh God, no. Joey: Oh, come on! I wanna hear it! It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out! Chandler: It's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family. (And with that, we start a series of flashbacks to Thanksgiving's of years gone by.) Thanksgiving 1978 [Scene: The Bing household, Mr. and Mrs. Bing and Young Chandler are eating Thanksgiving dinner as a housekeeper serves them.] Mrs. Bing: Now Chandler dear, just because your father and I are getting a divorce it doesn't mean we don't love you. It just means he would rather sleep with the house-boy than me. The Housekeeper: More turkey Mr. Chandler? (And he makes eyes at him.) Present Day [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Ross: You're right. Yours is worse. You are the king of bad Thanksgivings. Phoebe: I don't know about that. I've got one that's worse. Chandler: Really? Worse than, "More turkey Mr. Chandler?" Phoebe: Oh, did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler? Yes, mine's worse! Thanksgiving 1862 [Scene: A Union bttlefield hospital, Phoebe, in a past life, is tending to a wounded Union soldier. (By the way, for historical perspective, 1862 was the second year of the American Civil wr.)] Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here! This man is dying—(She is cut off by an exploding shell just outside the tent. When the smoke clears, she's missing an arm and the blood is pumping out like you'd see in a horror movie. And upon seeing her condition, she says…) Oh no. Present Day [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Ross: In this life, Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh, this life! Oh okay no, Chandler's is worse. Joey: Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that! I don't have any past life memories. Phoebe: Of course you don't sweetie. You're brand new. Rachel: I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving. Monica: Oh, let's not tell this story. All: Oh, come on! Phoebe: Oh no, I know! I know! It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head! Rachel: What?! Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?! Joey: Hey, it's not like it sounds. Chandler: It's exactly like it sounds. Thanksgiving 1992 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Phoebe is entering.] Joey: (muffled) Hello? Phoebe: (surprised) Hello? Joey: Phoebe? Phoebe: Joey? What's going on? Joey: Look. (He walks out of the bathroom with his head stuck in a huge turkey.) Phoebe: Oh my God! Joey: I know! It's stuck!!! Phoebe: (walks him to the kitchen) Easy. Step. How did it get on? Joey: I put it on to scare Chandler! Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out! Joey: Well then help me get it off! Plus, it smells really bad in here. Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head up a dad animal. (They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.) Monica: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey basted—Oh my God! Oh my God! (She sees someone is stuck in the turkey.) Who is that? Joey: It's Joey. Monica: What-what are you doing? Is this supposed to be funny? Phoebe: No, it's not supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be scary. Monica: Well, get it off now! Joey: I can't! It-it's stuck! Monica: Well, I don't care! That-that turkey has to feed 20 people at my parent's house and they're not gonna eat it off your head! Phoebe: All right, hold on! Okay, let's just all think. (They all start thinking. Joey starts rubbing his chin, of course his chin is currently inside the turkey so he ends up rubbing the turkey. And I didn't do that joke one bit of justice. It's one of those you have to see it to get it jokes.) Monica: Okay, I got it. Phoebe? All right, you pull. I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can. (Joey starts giggling.) Joey? Now is not the time! Joey: Sorry! Sorry. (They get into position to pull the turkey off.) Monica: Okay, count to three. 1. 2. 3! (They both pull but Joey slips out and starts to fall backwards just as Chandler enters, scaring him.) Chandler: Arghhhhhh!! (Joey turns around to taunt him, but Chandler is in the doorway and Joey is facing the kitchen.) Joey: (pointing) It worked! I scared ya, I knew it! Ha-ha! Chandler: I'm over here big guy. Joey: (turning all the way around, and still not facing Chandler) Yeah, you are! (Starts dancing.) I scared you! Present Day [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Chandler: (laughing) You did look like an idiot. Joey: Hey, I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot. All right? Remember when Ross tried to say, "Butternut squash?" And it came out, "Squatternut buash?" Ross: Yeah that's the same. Monica: That's it. That's my worse Thanksgiving. Phoebe: Oh wait! That can't be the one Rachel's talking about. She didn't even know that happened. So which one was it? All: Which one? Monica: Umm, I-I really don't want to tell this story. Chandler: Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians. Monica: Look umm, of all people, you do not want me to tell this story! Thanksgiving 1987 [Scene: The Geller household, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner. The doorbell rings.] Mrs. Geller: Monica! I think Rachel's here! Monica: I'll get it! (She runs in, and she's her old fat self like The One With The Prom Video. Not only that, she's out of breath after running a short distance. She goes over and opens the door to reveal Rachel with her old nose.) Happy Thanksgiving! Big Nosed Rachel: Not for me. Chip and I broke up! Fat Monica: Oh, why? Why? What happened? Big Nosed Rachel: Well, you know that my parents are out of town and Chip was going to come over… Fat Monica: Yeah, yeah, and you were going him y'know, your flower. Big Nosed Rachel: Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?! It really creeps me out when you call it that! Okay, and by the way, while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his tenderness. Believe me! (Walks into the living room and greets Monica's parents.) Hi! Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel! Big Nosed Rachel: Happy Thanksgiving! Mrs. Geller: You too sweethart! Ross: (entering) Hey! (He brought home Chandler for Thanksgiving. Chandler is sporting the very popular Flock of Seagulls haircut. Yeah, it's another you have to see it to believe it kinda thing.) Mr. Geller: Oh my! Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My roommate and lead singer of our band! Fat Monica: Ross! (Wanting to be introduced.) Ross: Oh, this is Monica. Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister. Chandler: (seeing her) Okay. Mrs. Geller: I'm so glad you could come Chandler, we've got plenty of food so I hope you're hungry. Ross: Oh, mom. Mom. Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food. Mrs. Geller: Oh, well, I'm so glad you brought him here then. Fat Monica: Umm, Chandler, if you want I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner. Chandler: Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, I'm in. (As she is drinking, Monica laughs and Chandler's joke and Diet Coke comes out of her nose.) Fat Monica: dammit! (Runs off.) (Ross points out Rachel to Chandler and goes over to talk to her. Rachel is checking out her nose in her compact mirror.) Ross: So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird around here now? Y'know since I've been away at college. Big Nosed Rachel: Oh! No, not really. Ross: Well, that's cool. So did… (She walks away from him and he shuts up.) (Rachel wanders into the kitchen where Monica is making Chandler's dinner.) Big Nosed Rachel: Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson. I am never going out with him again. I don't care how much he begs! Fat Monica: I think his begging days are over now that he's going out with Nancy Branson. Big Nosed Rachel: Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are just silly. (Ross is overhearing this.) Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men! Ross: Umm, I'm sorry Judy, I couldn't find that bowl that you and Jack were looking for. Fat Monica: Call them mom and dad you loser! Ross: (in a high pitched voice) Monica! [Time lapse, dinner has finished and Chandler is sitting on the couch eating some pie. Monica sits down beside him, and he gets pushed up a little by the wave she makes in the couch.] Fat Monica: Hey Chandler! Did you like the macaroni and cheese? Chandler: Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef. Fat Monica: Okay! (He gets up and walks away as Rachel come running over all excited.) Big Nosed Rachel: Guess what?! All that stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over to my house tonight! Fat Monica: Oh that's so great! Big Nosed Rachel: I know! Fat Monica: Oh gosh, listen if you and Chip do it tonight, promise me you'll tell me everything. Big Nosed Rachel: Oh totally, totally. Y'know it's not that big of deal, we already kinda did it once y'know. Fat Monica: I know, but y'know, this time you're gonna definitely know whether or not you did it! Big Nosed Rachel: I know, I know. And oh, and this time Chip promised that-that this time it will last at least for an entire song! [Cut to the kitchen, Ross and Chandler are doing the dishes.] Ross: So I’m thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. Y'know maybe play her that song we wrote last week. Chandler: Emotional Knapsack? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don’t take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez. Ross: Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I’m gonna be out with her all night. Chandler: Dude, don't do that too me! (Monica enters behind them.) Ross: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind. (Monica suddenly gets very happy.) Chandler: No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister. Ross: Hey! (Upon hearing this, Monica starts to break down and storms out. Only to be stopped by her parents.) Mrs. Geller: (holding two pies) Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room left in the fridge. Fat Monica: No. No, thank you! Mr. Geller: Well Judy, you did it! She's finally full! Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, back to the present day.] Chandler: I called you fat?! I don't even remember that! Monica: Well, I do. Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud! Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you called her fat. Ross: I can't believe you let George Michael slap you. Chandler: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry. Rachel: Actually, y'know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about. Monica: Yes, it was! Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually the… Monica: (interrupting her) Okay, now Thanksgiving's over, let's get ready for Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas tree?! Phoebe: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story! Chandler: We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story! Phoebe: Fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but y'know whatever. Thanksgiving 1988 [Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Mrs. Geller is cooking and Rachel, post nose job, is helping her.] Mrs. Geller: So Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again. Rachel: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the Psychology building. Mr. Geller: (entering) Hi Rachel. Rachel: Oh hi! Mr. Geller: Wow, love your new nose! Mrs. Geller: Jack. Mr. Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He removed my mole cluster. Wanna see? (He starts to show her as the doorbell rings.) Mrs. Geller: I'll get it. Rachel: No, God! Please, let me! (Runs out.) (She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross. Unfortunately, they seem to have their holidays mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're going as Crockett and Tubbs from that legendary TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we looked silly back then!) Rachel: Hey! Ross: Hey. (To his parents) Happy Thanksgiving! Mr. Geller: (To Chandler) God, your hair sure is different! Chandler: Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look. (They both quickly push their sleeves over their elbows.) Ross: So uh, where's Monica? Mrs. Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel, and the boy who hates Thanksgiving. (Monica enters, but she forgot something. Oh, about 150 pounds. In other words, she lost weight, big time!) Monica: Hi, Chandler. Chandler: Oh my God! Monica: What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress? (She turns around making sure he gets a good look.) Chandler: You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body! Ross: Dude! Chandler: Sorry! Mrs. Geller: Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really want to hear about is Ross's new girlfriend. Ross: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And smart. And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams! Monica: So Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner. (She heads for the kitchen and Chandler watches her leave and admires the view.) Mr. Geller: Dude! Chandler: Sorry. (In the kitchen.) Rachel: (entering) Oh-ho, my God! That was so awesome! You totally got him back for calling you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That must've felt so great! Monica: Well it didn't! Rachel: What?! Monica: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. Yeah, I feel great and yeah, my heart is not in trouble anymore! Blah, blah, blah! Y'know I still don't feel like I got him back, y'know? I just want to humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like naked and then I'm going to point at him and laugh! Rachel: Okay, that we may be able to do. Monica: How? Rachel: Well guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex. Monica: What?! I mean, I didn't work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give my flower to someone like him! Rachel: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one's gonna ever take it. Then, second of all you're not actually gonna have sex with him! You're just gonna make him think that you are. Monica: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. Monica: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the door and all the neighbors will just humiliate him! Rachel: Then, you will definitely get him back! Monica: Okay, so how do I make him think I wanna have sex with him? Rachel: Okay, oh, here's what you do. Just act like everything around you turns you on. Monica: What do you mean? Rachel: Well, like anything can be sexy. Like umm, oh-oh, like this dishtowel! (She grabs it and starts rubbing it on her cheek.) Ooh, ooh, this feels sooo good against my cheek! And-and if I feel a little hot, I can just dab myself with it. Or I can bring it down to my side and bring it through my fingers while I talk to him. Monica: (excited) I can do that! Rachel: Yeah? Okay! Good, good, because he's coming. He's coming. (To Chandler) Hey, what's up? (She leaves and closes the door behind her.) Chandler: Monica, I was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year. Monica: Umm, I'd love too! (She goes over and picks up the box and decides to follow Rachel's advice and holds the box up to her cheek.) Ooh, I love macaroni and cheese. I love-I love the way this box feels against my cheek. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a bunch of them and holds them between her fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to you. (She is rubbing her hip with the carrots.) Umm, and-and-and y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this Knfe (She picks up a Knfe without putting the box down. She's holding the box between her cheek and shoulder) and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal against umm, (Pause) my body. (She doesn't have any exposed skin within reach of the Knfe, so while holding the carrots in one hand and the box between her face and shoulder, she rubs the Knfe on her stomach.) Chandler: Are you all right? Monica: Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just that—(She drops the box and in a reflex action tries to catch it with her arm, the Knfe slips out and slowly flips through the air and comes point first down into Chandler's shoe.) [Scene: The hospital, Chandler has been rushed to the emergency room.] The Doctor: What do we got here? The Paramedic: Twenty year old has got a severed toe on his right foot. (They go through the doors into the trauma room, opening them by ramming the gurney through them, only Chandler's foot is hanging off the end and he screams in pain.) Ross: Can you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is! Severed toe, you just said it! The Doctor: It says here that the Knfe went right through your shoe. Mr. Geller: Of course it did. They're made of wicker. The Doctor: Did you bring the toe? Monica: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice! (She takes a bag of ice out of her purse and hands it to the doctor.) The Doctor: (opening it) Don't worry son, we'll just attach it and—(Stops suddenly.) Monica: What?! What is it? The Doctor: You brought a carrot. Chandler: What? The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot. Rachel: You brought a carrot?! Mrs. Geller: Oh my God! There's a toe in my kitchen. Monica: God, I'm sorry! I'll go back and get it! The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is sow up the wound. Chandler: Without my toe?! I need my toe! Monica: Wait, no-no-no, I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche! Mr. Geller: Oh, I'm not falling for that one! Present Day [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is reacting to the story.] Chandler: That's why I lost my toe?! Because I called you fat?! Monica: I didn't mean to cut it off. It was an accident. Chandler: That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?! Monica: I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe! Chandler: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. (He storms out.) Monica: Chandler! (Follows him out.) Ross: (To Joey) Sir Limps-A-Lot, I came up with that. Joey: You're a dork. [Cut to the hallway, Chandler is standing in front of his door.] Chandler: I can't believe this. Monica: Chandler, I said I was sorry. Chandler: Yeah, well, sorry doesn’t bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see you later. Monica: Oh wait, Chandler, come here is there anything I can do? Anything? Chandler: Yeah, just leave me alone for a while. (He goes into his apartment.) [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is sitting on one of the chairs and the duck is running around him and quacking.] Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" I’m happy all the time! (There's a knock on the door and Chandler gets up to answer it. He opens the door to reveal Monica with a turkey over her head.) Chandler: Nice try. Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.) Chandler: Look, Monica… Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.) Chandler: This is not going to work. Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.) Chandler: You are so great! I love you! (Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.) Monica: What? Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking! Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this! Chandler: No I didn't! Monica: Yes, you did! Chandler: No I didn't! Monica: You love me! Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! (Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.) Ending Credits Thanksgiving 1915 [Scene: The Western front during World w*r I, Phoebe, in yet another past life, is once again a nurse tending to yet another dying soldier. But this time she's doing it with a French accent.] French Phoebe: Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some gauze in here! (A shell explodes outside next to the tent and when the smoke clears, Phoebe still has her arm.) Whew! (Her arm falls off and starts pumping out blood.) This is getting ridiculous uh! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x08 - The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the entire gng is there, eating breakfast. Phoebe is on the couch, fidgeting.] Phoebe: What am I sitting on? Chandler: Top of the world? Dock of the bay? (He tries to think of another but can't) I'm out. Phoebe: (taking something out of the couch) Ew-eww!! Undies! (She throws them into the kitchen and Rachel picks them up with the handle of a large spoon. Chandler and Monica have horrified looks on their faces.) Rachel: All right! Who's are they? Who's are they? Ross: Well, they're not mine! Chandler: Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's! (Rachel turns and stares at him.) Joey: Yeah, they're mine. Chandler: See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's! Ross: Why are they here? Joey: I don't know uhh… (Pause as he thinks about it.) Well, I'm Joey. Yeah, I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes. Rachel: Well, get 'em out of here! What's wrong with you? Chandler: Yeah! Monica: Yeah! Rachel: (waving them in his face) Take 'em! (Joey makes a noise and jumps out of the way.) Joey, you can touch them! They're your underwear. Joey: (reluctantly taking them) Chandler? A word. (Follows Joey into their apartment and shrugs on his way out.) [Cut to the guy's apartment.] Joey: That's it! I'm tired of covering for you two! This has got to stop! (Realizes he still has the underwear in his hand.) Ahh! (Throws them towards Chandler's room.) And tighty-whiteys! What are you, 8? Monica: (entering) Thank you Joey, thank you so much! Joey: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay, look, I hate this! You guys keep embarrassing me! (To Monica) Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom and I didn't know what to say, so I said it was mine and-and that I was playing a woman in a play. And one thing led to another and (He puts his leg on the chair and pulls up his pants leg to reveal that he now has shaved legs.) Monica: (inspecting his leg) Wow! And around the ankles, y'know that is a tough spot. Joey: Yeah, it was! All right, listen, I can't… Chandler: (interrupting him) All this lying has been hard on us too. Joey: Oh-oh, yeah-yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier! Chandler: Well, yeah actually. Monica: We'll try to be more careful okay? It's just that, we don't want everyone to know because this is going really well, and maybe the reason it's going really well is because it's a secret. Chandler: I know it sounds really weird, but we're just so bad at relationships. Monica: We are! Help us! Chandler: Help! Joey: All right! But, (To Monica) you do it with me once. Monica: Joey! Joey: Didn't think so. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters with her nose stuck in a book.] Monica: Hey, Phoebe! Chandler: Hi, Pheebs! Rachel: Hey, Pheebs! Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Rachel: What are you reading? Phoebe: Umm, Wethering Heights. I'm taking a literature class at the New School and I have to finish it for the first session tomorrow. Chandler: I didn't know you were taking a class. That is so cool. Phoebe: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! Y'know and this time I thought I'd go for something, y'know a little more intellectual, with a less painful final exam. Rachel: Honey that sounds like fun. Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, you should come with me! Oh yeah, then I'd have someone to sit with! Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Yeah! Okay—ooh, but are you going to have time to read it? Rachel: Oh, I read that in high school. Phoebe: This is going to be so much fun! Okay-shhh, I have to finish. Ross: (entering, depressed) Hi. Joey: What's wrong buddy? Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich! Chandler: Well, what did the police say? Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. I can't believe someone ate it! Chandler: Ross, it's just a sandwich! Ross: Just a sandwich? Look, I am 30 years old, I'm about to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life! Monica: Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for one more sandwich, I mean I was going to eat it myself, but (motions that he can have it.) Ross: (quietly) That-that would be incredible. Thank you so much. I-I still can't believe someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left a note and everything. (Shows the note to Chandler who reads it aloud.) Chandler: (reading) Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay? Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch. Phoebe: Okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? You gotta scare people off. I learned that living on the street. Ross: Really?! So what would you say Pheebs? Stuff like uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?" Chandler: Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie? Phoebe: Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff. (Writes him a note and the gng reads it.) All: Whoa! Ohh!! Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad ass! Phoebe: Someday I'll, tell you about the time I sab the cop. Monica: Phoebe? Phoebe: Well, he sab me first!! [Scene: Phoebe's class, the class has already started and Rachel walks in late.] Rachel: (To Phoebe) Sorry I'm late, but I left late. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: So Pheebs, what is the book about? Phoebe: I thought you said you read it in high school. Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anyway—umm, what is this book about? Phoebe: Okay, umm, it's this tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff and umm, it takes place on like these really creepy mores in England. Which I think represents the wildness of Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism. The Teacher: How would you characterize the theme of this book, uh let's see here (looks at his attendance sheet), Rachel Green? Rachel: Umm, well I would have to say that it's a, it's tragic love story. The Teacher: Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else? Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the uh, wildness of the mores, which I think is-is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character. The Teacher: Excellent! What Rachel has shrewdly observed here… Phoebe: (To Rachel) You completely stole my answer! Rachel: Well, honey that was pretty obvious. Phoebe: Well how would you know?! You didn't even read it! The Teacher: What do you think? You in the blue shirt. Phoebe: I think that uh, yours is a question with many answers. The Teacher: Would ya care to venture one? Phoebe: Would you care to venture one? The Teacher: Are you just repeating what I'm saying? Phoebe: Are you just repeating what I'm saying? The Teacher: All right, let's move on. Phoebe: Okay then. [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel return from the class.] Phoebe: Yeah but why didn't you just say that you didn't read the book?! Rachel: Be-because I didn't want him to think I was stupid! I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you! Ross: (entering) Phoebe! Phoebe: Yeah? Ross: Phoebe! You're note, amazing! Not only did no one touch my sandwich, but people at work are actually afraid of me. Yeah, a guy called me mental! Mental Geller, yeah, I always wanted a cool nickname like that. Monica: Yeah, the best you got in high school was Wet Pants Geller. Ross: That was the water fountain! Okay?! Anyway, people are writing reports for me, uh pushing back deadlines to meet my schedule, I'm telling you, you get tough with people you can get anything you want. (Joey walks by with a cup of coffee.) Hey Tribbiani, give me that coffee! Now! (Joey casually pushes Ross over the back of the couch and sits down proud of himself.) [Scene: The hallway, Joey is returning from a date with Cynthia.] Cynthia: God, this was really fun! I've been wondering if you were going to ask me out. Joey: So you uh, still wondering? Cynthia: No, we just went out. Joey: You're smart. I like that. (He goes to open the door to his apartment, but finds it locked. As he's getting out his keys, Chandler and Monica quickly jump up from making out in the living room and run to Chandler's bedroom. The apartment has about 20 candles burning all over the place. Joey opens the door and ushers Cynthia in.) Cynthia: Oh, candles! (Notices something.) What is that? A blanket? A video camera? Oh my God! (As she storms out, Rachel returns and overhears the conversation.) Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!! Cynthia: I can't believe you thought that you were going to video tape us having sex on the first date! (She storms away and Rachel enters to confront Joey.) Joey: Hiya. Rachel: Joey, is what she just said umm—Oh my God. (Looks around the room.) You were actually gonna… (Chandler picks this moment to return to the living room.) (Rachel stares in shock.) Chandler: What is going on here? Rachel: And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick? (Chandler silently pleads with Joey to cover for them.) Joey: I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. (Points at Chandler, angrily.) Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; continued from earlier. Joey is closing the door after Rachel leaves and is about to confront Chandler and Monica.] Joey: You guys promised you'd be more careful! I mean, come on! The good Joey name is being dragged through the mud here! Monica: We're so sorry. Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Well, I'm telling everyone about you! That's the only way to explain the underwear and the video camera that doesn't make me look like a pig! Chandler: No-no, wait! There's got to be a better explanation. You can tell them you had to make an adult film for your (Thinks) adult film class. Joey: Yeah, I like that. But no-no, how does that explain why Rachel found my underwear at your place? Chandler: Oh—I don't know. Joey: Well, get ready to come out of the non-gay closet! Monica: Okay, just wait, please. I promise we'll come up with something. Just give us a little more time. Joey: All right. Hey, but it better make me look really, really good. (Starts for his room.) Oh, and another thing, the video camera? Nice!! [Scene: The Museum of Prehistoric History (Ross's work); Ross is in the break room eating lunch as his boss, Dr. Leedbetter walks in.] Dr. Leedbetter: Umm, Ross. May I have a word with you? Ross: Yeah, of course, Donald. Dr. Leedbetter: We've been getting reports of some very angry behavior on your part. Ross: What?! Dr. Leedbetter: thrat letters, refusal to meet deadlines, apparently people now call you mental. Ross: (Proudly) Yeah. Dr. Leedbetter: We want you to speak to a psychiatrist. Ross: Oh no, you-you don't understand. Ugh, this is so silly. Umm, this is all because of a sandwich. Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) A sandwich? Ross: Yeah. You see my-my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches. Her secret is, she puts a, an extra slice of gravy soaked bread in the middle; I call it the Moist Maker. Anyway, I-I put my sandwich in the fridge over here… Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) Oh, you know what? Ross: What? Dr. Leedbetter: I-I'm sorry. I, I-I-I believe I ate that. Ross: You ate my sandwich? Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone. Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moist Maker? Dr. Leedbetter: No. Ross: Do you perhaps seeing a note on top of it? Dr. Leedbetter: There may have been a-a joke or a limerick of some kind. Ross: (getting angry) That said it was my sandwich?! Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash. Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What? Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away. Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away! [Cut to an outside sht of the museum.] Ross: (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!! [Cut to a sht of a park.] Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream scares a flight of pigeons away.) [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's class; Rachel walks in, on time this time.] Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: (sitting down) So umm, what's this book about? Phoebe: You didn't read this one either?! Rachel: Well, I was gonna, but I accidentally read something else. Phoebe: What? Rachel: Vogue! Hey, so tell me about this Jane Eyre woman. Phoebe: No! You should've read it yourself! Rachel: Come on Phoebe! Don’t be such a goodie-goodie! Phoebe: Fine! Okay, all right, so Jane Eyre, first of all, you'd think she's a woman, but she's not. She's a cyborg. Rachel: A cyborg?! Isn't that like a robot?! Phoebe: Yeah, this book was light years ahead of its time. The Teacher: (entering) Sorry I'm late. Let's get started. So, what did everybody think about Jane Eyre? Phoebe: Umm, Rachel and I were just discussing it and she had some very interesting insights. The Teacher: Well, go ahead Rachel. Rachel: Uh, thank you Phoebe. Umm, well, what struck me most when reading Jane Eyre was uh, how the book was so ahead of its time. The Teacher: If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right. Rachel: Yeah, well, feminism yes, but also the robots. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch as Monica joins him.] Chandler: Hey. Monica: Hey. Okay, so umm, since that video camera thing didn't work out uh, I thought that I would give you just a little preview. (Hands him a Polaroid.) Chandler: (gasps) You're naked in this picture! Monica: I know. (Ross walks in, eating cotton candy. Monica nudges Chandler who hides the picture in his magazine. Ross sits down on the chair, he seems kinda out of it.) Chandler: Ross? Ross: (in a stupor) Hey Chandler. (Sees Monica.) Monica! Monica: Ross, are you okay? Ross: I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today. Monica: Why?! Ross: On account of my rage. Chandler: Which I may say, right now, is out of control. Ross: He gave me a pill for it. Monica: A pill? Ross: Uh-huh. Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss I started to get worked up again, so he offered me a tranquilizer. And I thought was a good idea so, I took it. Monica: Wait a minute, they're making you take time off work? Chandler: And you're okay with that? Ross: I don't know. It's going to be weird not having a job for a while, but I, I definitely don't care about my sandwich. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are returning from class.] Rachel: (entering, angrily) Ugh, that was so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on and on like that! Phoebe: (smiling) I'm sorry. It was just so funny when you started comparing Jane Eyre to Robocop. Rachel: That was not funny! Phoebe: Well, I snapped! Okay? You weren't taking the class seriously. Rachel: Phoebe, come on! What is the big deal? I thought this was going to be something we could do together! Y'know, I thought it would be fun! Phoebe: Well, yeah! Fun is good, but y'know I also wanted to learn. Y'know, people are always talking about what they learned in high school and I never went to high school. Rachel: Ohh. Oh, so you really wanted to learn. Yeah, y'know, Pheebs I just wanted to have fun. Ohh, you know who you should go with? [Scene: The Class; Monica has taken Rachel's spot.] Monica: (yelling and waving her hand in the air) I know! I know! I know! The Teacher: Monica, you asked the question. (She sits back defeated, and Phoebe groans with disgust.) [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; Joey returns carrying a bucket of chicken, and starts going through the mail. While doing this, Monica's picture falls out. He bends over to pick it up and gasps. While he's staring at the picture, Rachel decides to come over and sees him looking at the picture.] Rachel: (sees the picture) Oh my God! That's Monica!! Joey: Oh no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no! Rachel: You get away from me!! You sick, sick, sick, sick-o!! Ross: (entering, with the rest of the gng) What's going on? Rachel: Joey has got a secret peephole! Chandler: (Sees the picture) Oh no! No! No! No! (Monica gasps as well.) Rachel: Yes! He has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us! And then he eats chicken and looks at them! (Ross stares in shock at him as he angrily puts down the chicken and takes off his coat.) Rachel: Look! (Shows Ross the picture.) Ross: (covering his eyes) Dude! That's my sister! (She shows the rest of the g*ng.) Monica: (grabbing the picture) Give me that! Phoebe: All right, wait! Just wait. Everybody just calm down. Okay? Let's give our friend Joey a chance to explain why he's such a big pervert! Joey: No! I am not a pervert! Okay? It's just… I just… Kinda… Chandler: All right, look! Look. I think I can explain this. (He walks over and stands behind Joey.) Joey: Thank you! Chandler: Joey's a sex addict. Joey: What?!! (He turns around and stares at Chandler who's silently pleading with Joey to go along with it.) No I'm not!! Monica: It's okay! It's good! It's good. It's a disease! Joey: No! No! I am not a sex addict! Monica: Yes you are! That's the only way to explain all this stuff! Joey: No it isn't! No, it's not. Because you can also explain it with the truth! Rachel: Well, what is the truth? Ross: Yeah, what's going on? Phoebe: What's going on? Joey: (thinking) I slept with Monica. Chandler: Well let's….let's see what everybody thinks of that? Monica: Oh no! Ross: You slept with my sister? Joey: Uh yes, but it was, we just did it once uh, in London. Ross: This is not good for my rage. (Takes another pill.) Rachel: Monica, is this true? Joey: Of course it's true! How else would you explain all the weird stuff that's been going on? Monica: Yes it's true. Rachel: Okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found your underwear in our apartment the other day? Joey: Ahh—oy! That was the underwear I was wearing that night in London. Right Monica? Monica: I guess I wanted to keep it (Pause) as a souvenir. Ross: My God Monica!! Chandler: Are you sure Joe? Are you sure you're not just a sex addict? Joey: No! If anyone's a sex addict here, it's Monica! Yeah. Yeah. She has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since London! Phoebe: So that's why she gave you a naked picture of herself. Joey: That makes sense! Rachel: And the video camera? Joey: Uhh, Monica? Monica: I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey. Joey: But sadly I could not be enticed. Ross: Unbelievable! I mean you really kept Joey's underwear?! Why? Why would you do that?! Monica: I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants. Joey: Well, I think we've all learned something about who's disgusting and who's not. Eh? All right, now, I'm going to get back to my bucket. I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for grabs. (Offers it to everyone.) Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's class; the class has ended and Phoebe is talking to one of her classmates.] Phoebe: I really thought you making a good point. I mean y'know, until you got cut off. A Female Student: Yeah, what's up with that girl Monica? Phoebe: I don't know! I didn't come with her! Monica: (entering, happily) All right everybody! Everybody guess what? I just convinced Paul to give us a test next week! All: A test?!! Monica: Come on! Tests make us all better learners! Oh yeah! (Running out) We should have essay questions!! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x09 - The One With Ross's Sandwich"}	foreverdreaming
Written By: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help From: Aaron Miller [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Ross is cleaning out the fridge. Joey walks from his room. He looks like he just woke up.] Joey: What are you doing? Ross: I...reorganized the fridge. See, bottom shelf: meats and dairy. (There’s nothing on the shelf.) Middle shelf: fruits and vegetables. (There’s one lone tomato.) And top shelf: expired products. (The shelf is jammed packed.) Joey: Why are you doing this? Ross: Because I am bored...Out of my mind. I’ve already been to the bank, post office, and the dry cleaners. Joey: Dude, you just described seven days worth of stuff. You’ve got to spread it out a little, you know. Haven’t you ever been unemployed? Ross: Hey, I am not unemployed. I’m on sabbatical! Joey: Hey, don’t get religious on me, ok. (Ross looks a little confused.) A guy in your position needs to be a little better at relaxing. You know. Why do you think we have the comfortable chairs? Huh...come here…sit down. (Ross sits down.) Ready? (Joey flips the foot rest up.) Ahh!! (He reclines the chair fully.) Ohh, yeah!! Huh?! Ross: So what, we just sit? Joey: Ohh, no, no. We’re not going to just sit. (Joey sits down and hits the speed dial button on the phone.) Shhh. (It begins to ring.) Chandler: (Answering the phone at work) Hello, Chandler Bing. Joey: (In a high pitched female voice) Hello Mr. Bing...I love you. Chandler: (Angrily) Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! (Ross and Joey laugh silently.) It’s been six months! It’s not funny! Joey: But, I love you. Chandler: Leave me alone! For the love of God, leave me alone!!! (Joey hangs up.) Joey: And that’s Wednesday. (He reclines in his chair.) Ohh. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are there. Phoebe walks in ringing a bell.] Phoebe: Hey you guys, guess what? Chandler: The British are coming? Phoebe: Ohh, you and your ways. (She shakes the bell at him and sits down.) Since it’s Christmastime. I’m going to be one of those people collection donations. All: Ohh. Phoebe: (Excitedly) Yeah, I already have my bell and later on...I get my bucket. Chandler: Ohh. Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, I’m going to be out there spreading joy to the people. I mean, last year, I spread a little joy but not really enough. So this year, I’m going to do the whole city. Monica: You know, I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very popular. (Chandler laughs.) Joey: So Pheebs, where are you doing all, your bell ringing? Phoebe: Ohh, they gave me a great spot. Right by Macys. Yeah, they hardly ever give such a good spot to a rookie, but I’m the only one who can sing "Merry Christmas" in 25 languages. (She smirks.) I lied. Rachel: Oh my god. Ok you guys, there’s Danny. Watch. Just watch this. (He walks past the couch to the counter.) See?! Still pretending he’s not interested. Ohh, he’s coming over. Just pretend like we don’t know him. We’ve forgotten who he is. Danny: Hey guys. All: Hey Danny. Monica: Danny? You know Rachel? She’s nice. She’s not bad to look at, right? Rachel: Thanks, Mon. Danny: Well, of course. Monica: Do you want to go out on a date with her? Rachel: Monica!!! Danny: (Looking at Monica) Absolutely! Is Friday okay? Monica: Friday’s perfect...She can’t wait. Danny: (To Monica) On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly? (To Rachel) See ya Friday. (He walks out.) Rachel: (Somewhat angrily) Okay. What the hell was that? You know what? Don’t answer me. (Giggling) I have a date with Danny. [Scene: Estelle's (Joey's Agent) Office, Joey is there.] Joey: How could I not get the part? The play was about a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens. Estelle: Well, Telia Shire suddenly became available. Joey: She’s a woman! Estelle: What can I say? She nailed it. Joey: (Very discouraged) Okay, is there anything else? Estelle: Well, you’re just going to say no again but...gay prn. [Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is collecting donations and ringing her bell.] Phoebe: Happy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allo, and Merry Christmas. (A man put some change in her bucket.) Ohh thank you sir. Here's some joy. (She waves her hand up and down as if she is spreading joy.) Monica: (Walking in from off screen.) Phoebe! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: I just wanted to see how it's going. Phoebe: Well, it's going okay. Monica: (Taking out her wallet.) Well good, here let me help you out. Phoebe: Oh, thanks! Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: Wow! (Monica puts some change in Phoebe's bucket.) Phoebe: Is that a new Swede jacket? It looks really expensive. Monica: Yeah. I guess. (She puts more money in the bucket.) Phoebe: Just get your nails done? Monica: Yes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Okay? (She pours out the rest of her change purse into the bucket.) Phoebe: Okay! Thanks! Happy Holidays, here's your joy. (She waves her arm and spreads her joy.) (A man walks up and puts a dollar bill in.) Phoebe: Thank you! And Happy Holidays. (The man starts to take some change out.) Phoebe: Wait, you can't take the money out. The Man: I'm making change. I need change for the bus. Phoebe: But, can't you leave the dollar? This money is for the poor. The Man: I'm poor! I gotta take the bus! Phoebe: Okay, Seasons Greetings and everything, but still… The Man: Bite me, blondie! (The man storms off.) Phoebe: Oh, I'm going to give him something else besides joy, just… (She scowls at him.) [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is telling Ross how he didn't get the part.] Joey: That part was perfect for me! I can't believe I didn't get it! Ross: I'm sorry, man. Hey, y'know what you should do? You should make something happen for yourself. Y'know, like-like write a play. Write a movie! Huh? I mean, what about those Good Will Hunting guys? Joey: Come on Ross be realistic, y'know? If I did write something, what are the chances I could get those guys to star in it? (Ross just stares at him until he figures it out.) Joey: Wait a second, I could star in it! Ross: Or that. Joey: I can't write! Y'know I mean I-I-I'm an actor, I don't have the discipline that takes, y'know? I can't do it. Ross: I'll help you. Yeah, I'll make up a schedule and make sure you stick to it. And plus, it'll give me something to do. Joey: Really? You'd-you'd do that for me?! Ross: Yeah! Joey: Thanks! Ross: (grabbing a notepad and sitting down) All right, we'll start off slow. The only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character. Joey: Done! Ross: And it can't be Joey. Joey: It's not. Ross: Or Joseph. Joey: (disappointed) Oh. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning. Monica enters from her room wearing nothing but a robe.] Monica: Hey, what's up? Rachel: I just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl and he had his arm around her. Monica: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Rachel: Well, you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our relationship!! Monica: You had no relationship!! Rachel: No, but I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the plan! Monica: Oh God, stop with the plan! So what, so what you saw him with a girl? Who cares?! That doesn't mean anything! Now look, you're going to go out on a date with Danny and you're going to be so charming he's gonna forget all about that stupid subway girl. Rachel: She was kinda stupid. You're right. All right, I'm just gonna go on the date. I'm gonna go on the date. That is the new plan. (Rachel goes into her room and closes the door. Which allows Monica to let Chandler out of her room.) Monica: Come on, hurry! (Chandler runs out the door and closes it behind him. After a short pause the door opens and Chandler comes rushing back through, grabs Monica, kisses her good-bye, and heads back out.) [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is trying to write his movie, Chandler is playing a game on the counter by trying to flip a ping pong ball with a spoon into a nearby bowl.] Joey: Hey, how do you spell suspicious? Chandler: Why? Joey: Because I think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff. (Chandler makes it into the bowl.) Chandler: Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0. Joey: You're driving me crazy with that! Chandler: Okay, I'll stop. Joey: Don’t stop! Move the bowl further away! Ross could make that sht! (Chandler slides the bowl to the far end of the counter. He tries again, but he hits the spoon to hard and the ball goes flying away.) Joey: Well, you suck! But at least you suck at a man's game now. Chandler: You wanna play? Joey: Chandler, I can't be playing games, Ross is gonna be home soon. And I have to write five whole pages if I'm gonna stick to his schedule. Chandler: Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home. Joey: (jumping up) All right! But uh, listen, what do you say we crank it up a notch? Chandler: I'm intrigued. Joey: All right, all we need is a little lighter fluid. Chandler: Okay, but be careful okay, because I wanna get our security deposit back. Joey: Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts. Chandler: Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle? Joey: Uh yeah, right here. (He punches his fist through the wall next to the door.) [Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is still ringing her bell. A guy puts some change into the bucket.] Phoebe: Thank you, Happy Holidays. (Another woman walks up and throws something into the bucket.) Phoebe: Now, that's trash. Young lady, you can't… (The lady ignores her and walks off.) Hey! Stop that young lady, she donated trash! (Another guy walks by and throws his light cigarette butt in the bucket.) Phoebe: Hey!! (The bucket starts smoking.) The charity's on fre! Help! (Yet another guy walks by carrying a cup, which Phoebe grabs.) Oh good! Thank you, I need that. (She throws onto the smoldering fre. Suddenly the bucket erupts in flames.) Whoa! What is that?! (She sniffs the cup.) (To the guy.) It's nine o'clock in the morning! [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is reading what Joey wrote.] Ross: All right. (Reading.) A room. A man enters, he looks suspicious. (Stops reading a flips the page to find the next one is blank.) That's it? (Joey shrugs.) Joey, you're supposed to have five pages done by now! Including an exciting incident! (Flipping through the rest of the pad.) And what is, and what is all this?! (Reading.) The official rulebook of Fireball. Joey: Yeah, that's the uh, game we were playing. Chandler: (entering from his room carrying a fre extinguisher and wearing oven mitts) Oh yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and some lighter fluid—Op! Op! (He puts out a small fre which has re-ignited in his room.) Ross: This is helping your career?! Huh? I thought you wanted to be an actor not the creator of crazy lawsuit game! Joey: You're right, you're right, I'll get back to work. Ross: (To Chandler) And shame on you! You should know better, Joey needs to work. (To Joey) Now come on! Joey: Hey! (He tries to fre a burnt tennis ball into the bowl Chandler is standing by, but Ross grabs the ball away from him.) Ross: No! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! You can have this back when the five pages are done! (After Joey walks past, Ross throws the ball down in pain.) Ahh! (Chandler shows him the burn spots on his oven mitts.) [Scene: Outside Danny's apartment, Danny and Rachel are returning from their date.] Danny: I had a really nice time tonight. Rachel: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out. (He kisses her.) Danny: I'd love to ask you in, but uh, my sister's visiting and I think she's asleep on the couch. Rachel: You're sister? You're sister's asleep on the couch? (Danny nods, "Yes.") Ohhh! I saw her with you on the subway and now she's asleep on the couch! Danny's Sister: (opening the door) Oh, I thought I heard you. Danny: Oh hey, great, you're up. Rachel, this is my sister Krista. Krista, this is Rachel. Rachel: Hi! Krista: Nice to meet you. I wish you'd told me we were having company, I'd fix myself up! Danny: Like it would help. Krista: You are so bad! (Hits him softly.) Danny: You are! (Hits her back.) Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.) Danny: You are! (Hits her back.) Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.) Danny: You are! (Hits her back.) Krista: You are! (Hits him harder this time.) Danny: You are so dad! I'm gonna get you. (He starts chasing her around Rachel a couple of times before she runs into the living room and he tackles her on the couch where he starts tickling her.) Rachel: (not sure what to do) Uh, it was very nice meeting you. (They continue to ignore her.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is complaining to Ross and Monica about the bucket.] Phoebe: Nobody! Nobody respects the bucket! You wouldn't believe what people put in here! Look! (Hands it to Monica.) Okay, does this look like a garbage can to you? Monica: No. Phoebe: Does it look like an ashtray? Monica: No. Phoebe: Does it look like a urinal? Monica: Eww!! (Throws the bucket down.) Ross: So Pheebs, are you gonna go back out there or what? Phoebe: Well, yeah! But I'm not gonna take anymore crap. Okay? No more Mrs. Nice Bucket! Monica: Yeah, good for you. Y'know you're tough, you lived on the streets. Phoebe: Yeah, I'm gonna go back to being Street Phoebe. Yeah! Oh but, y'know what? I can't go totally back because Street Phoebe really wouldn't be friends with you guys. Sorry. (Leaves.) Rachel: (entering from her room) Hey! Monica: Hey! Rachel: Hey, umm, can I ask you guys something? Monica and Ross: Sure. Rachel: Uh, I don't have any brothers so I don't know, but uh, did you guys wrestle? Ross: Oh-oh, yeah. Monica: All the time. In fact, I was undefeated. Ross: Uh, you weighted 200 pounds. Monica: Still, I was quick as a cat. Rachel: Well, I met Danny's sister yesterday, and uh that was actually the girl on the subway. Monica: Oh, you're kidding. Rachel: Yeah, they were very y'know…wrestley. But, I guess that's normal? Monica: (laughing with Ross) We don't, we don't wrestle now. Ross: Yeah, not since I got too strong for you. Monica: Too strong for me? Ross: Yeah. Monica: You wanna go right now? 'Cause I'll take you right now, buddy! You wanna go? Ross: Oh fine. Monica: Ready? (They grab a hold of each other's necks.) Wrestle! (They start wrestling.) Rachel: Okay, y'know what uh, actually, that's great. That helps a lot. Thanks. (She leaves them to wrestle.) [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is cleaning the foosball table, Joey is working on his script.] Chandler: (entering from his bedroom) Guys, come on! Let's go! The puck drops in 20 minutes! Come on, Joe! Ross: Joey's not going. Joey: (To Chandler) I didn't finish my five pages. Chandler: Well, why can't you do them tomorrow? Ross: Because tomorrow he's redoing yesterday's pages. Joey: Yesterday's pages did not reflect my best work. Chandler: (To Ross) Why don't you cut him a little slack? Okay? Maybe if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get some work done. Ross: I think he's been relaxing enough, thanks to you and Fireball. Joey: Dude, if you think Fireball's relaxing, you've obviously have never played. Chandler: The only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored. Okay, it's not his fault that you're unemployed. Ross: I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical! Joey: Come on look guys, don't fight. Ross: And the reason I'm doing this is because I am Joey's friend. And if you were a good friend, you'd be doing the same thing. Chandler: Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk? Ross: If it does? Then you're an amazing friend of mine. Joey: Hey-hey guys, hey! How about we settle this over a friendly game of Fireball? Huh? I'll go unhook the smoke detectors! Ross: How about we settle this right now! (He rips up the tickets.) There! Now, no one's going to the game. Ha-ha-ha! Chandler: I paid for those tickets! Ross: No you didn't. You said you would, but you never did! Chandler: Oh yeah! (Makes an unintelligible taunting sound.) [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are listening to a story being told by Danny and his sister.] Danny: …so we finally get to the top of the mountain and airhead here (His sister) forgets the camera! Joey: Oh, y'know the same thing happened to me one time. Chandler: When did that happen to you?! Joey: Don't you remember when we were jogging in the park and we saw that really pretty bird and wanted to take a picture—I didn't have my camera! Chandler: Oh yeah. First off all, chasing the Churo guy isn't jogging. Krista: Oh, this is so good (A piece of cake.) you have got to try it. (She takes some on her finger and feeds it to Danny. Then takes a little more and does it again. Meanwhile, the rest of the gng stares on in shock. Then they pick up a part of it and some filling falls into his lap.) Danny: Oh, damn! I got it on my pants. Krista: Here, I'll get it. (She grabs a napkin and tries to wipe it up. The thing that gets the rest of the gng going is that she's whipping awfully close to his crotch. In fact, she is whipping his crotch. Chandler's about to come out of his chair.) Krista: We'd better take these pants off upstairs or that stain's gonna set. Danny: Yep. (To Rachel) I'm gonna wear these on our date tonight. Rachel: Oh, great! Chandler: Okay, bye! (To the g*ng.) Oh my God!! Monica: That was unbelievable! Rachel: Okay, see? I told you! Joey: Yeah, wow, sorry Rach. Chandler: I don't believe they're brother and sister. Joey: They're brother and sister!!! [Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe has adorned her bucket with numerous signs. Like "We are not a urinal!" and "I have no Macys info." And other stuff like that. She also has a scowl on her face as she is ringing her bell. A little old lady walks up to make a donation but Phoebe stops her.] Phoebe: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait a minute, open up your hand; let me take a look. (The lady opens up her hand.) Quarter. Dime. Lint? Not interested in that. (She throws the lint away.) What's this? A Canadian coin? Get outta here! (The lady walks away.) (Another man walks up with a drink in his hand, Phoebe stops him too.) Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No drinks near the bucket! Set it down over there and then you can make a contribution! (The guy starts to walk away with a hurt look on his face.) And you can leave the hurt bunny look over there too! (Her boss and a co-worker walk up.) Hi Bob! (The same old lady from before walks bye.) (To the old lady.) I thought I told you to get outta here! Bob: Uh, Phoebe we've been getting complaints and uh, we're gonna move you to a less high-profile spot. Phoebe: What?! Bob: Umm, Ginger's gonna take over this corner. Phoebe: That chick can't handle my corner. Bob: Look, either you leave, or we remove you. Phoebe: Fine. (She hands her bell to Ginger and starts to take down her signs.) (The same old lady walks by again.) All right, I'll give you one pointer. Look out for that bitch. (The old lady.) [Scene: Danny's apartment, there's a knock on the door and he answers it.] Danny: Oh, hey Rach! I thought we said seven? Rachel: Yeah uh, y'know what uh, let's skip it. Danny: What?! Why?! Rachel: Umm, you-you and your sister seem to have umm, a very special bond, and… Danny: Oh great! That special bond again! Why do women have such a problem with the fact that I'm close with my sister? Rachel: Well, okay, look. I don't know, listen, I don't know what's going on here but let's… Danny: Do-do you, do you have brothers? Rachel: No, I have two sisters. But one of them has a very masculine energy. Danny: Are you close with them? Rachel: No-no, they're not very nice people. Danny: Okay, listen, I really like you. Okay? I think this can go somewhere. So what if I'm close to my family, are you gonna let that stand in the way of us? Rachel: Well, uh, I-I don't know. See when-when you put it that way y'know it does sort of… Krista: (calling from the bathroom) Danny! Hurry up! The bath is getting cold! Danny: (seeing Rachel's shocked look) What? Rachel: Yeah, okay, I'll see you later. (Gets up and runs from the apartment.) [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is there as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Oh hey! There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day? Ross: Hey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it and teach them a new game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball. Joey: (entering) Hey guys! I was at the library all morning and I already finished my five pages for today! Ross: Yay! Chandler: Great! Now, we can go to the Ranger game! (Pause) Last night! Joey: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets! Ross: I guess when you don't have so many distractions, it's easier for you to focus. Huh? Chandler: Yeah or also when you don't have somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!! Joey: Yeah, well, that's fine, but the important thing is that I finished it. And uh, I think it's really good, but y'know it'd really help me is if I could hear it. So would you guys read it for me? Chandler: All right. (Takes a copy.) Ross: All right. (Takes another copy.) Joey: Okay. (Reading.) "It's a typical New York City apartment. Two guys are hanging out." Ross (Points to him.) (Ross and Chandler start to read Joey's script aloud.) Ross: Hey man. Chandler: What is up? Ross: About yesterday, I was really wrong. I am sorry. Chandler: No, it was me. I'm sorry. I over reacted. Ross: Maybe it was both of us, but we had our best friend's interest… (Pauses and looks at Joey.) But we had our best friend's interest at heart. Chandler: Could I be more sorry. (Looks at Joey.) Ross: I don't know, I'm one sorry polentologist. (Stops reading.) All right Joey, we get it. (To Chandler) I'm sorry. Chandler: (To Ross) I'm sorry too. Joey: Oh no! No-no, keep reading! The good part's coming up. Keep going. Ross: (reading from the script.) I am sorry, Chandler. Chandler: I am sorry, Ross. Joey: A handsome man enters. (Playing the part of the handsome man.) Hey! How's it going guys? I don't know what you two were talking about, but I'd like to say thanks to both of you. You, (Ross) you wouldn't let me give up on myself, and you (Chandler) well you co-created Fireball. The end. Chandler: This took you all day?! Joey: No-no, this only took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new, Ultimate Fireball. (Takes out a bowling ball and a propane torch.) Ha-ha! Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are about to read another one of Joey's efforts.] Joey: (Reading the scene set up.) Okay, it's a typical New York City apartment. Two girls are just hanging out. (Monica and Rachel begin to read from the script.) Monica: Hi, how are you doing Kelly? Rachel: I'm doing just fine! God, Tiffany, you smell so great! Monica: It's my new perfume. Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it? (They both start to read ahead.) Rachel: Oh, y'know Joey, you are sick! Monica: This is disgusting! (They both throw the scripts in his face.) Rachel: I'm not reading this! Joey: What?! Wait-wait-wait! The handsome man was about to enter!! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x10 - The One With The Inappropriate Sister"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Suzie Villandry Story by: Brian Boyle Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New Year's from Time Square.] Jay Leno: (On TV to Dick Clark) Is there any entertainment there? What are people doing? Joey: All right! Here we go! 1999! The year of Joey! Chandler: (deadpan, standing next to Monica) We're very happy for you. Joey: What's the matter?! Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so y'know… Joey: All right, I'll take care of it. Monica: Oh no, wait! Joey! (They try to stop him, not sure of what he's planning. He ignores them and goes to talk to Ross.) Ross: (hopping) 73! 72! 71! Joey: Ross! Ross! Ross, listen! Who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe? Ross: What? Joey: Well you gotta kiss someone, you can't kiss your sister. Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister. Joey: Chandler. Ross: Awww, man! Really? Joey: Dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler? Ross: That's a good point. Joey: Yeah. Ross: Oh well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe. Joey: Okay, great! Ross: All right. Joey: Pheebs! Pheebs! Ross wants to kiss you at midnight! Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask? Joey: Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight. Rachel: What?! Ross: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross you got the history. Rachel: So? Joey: So? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler? Rachel: Oh, good point. Joey: Yeah! All: (watching the ball drop) 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!! (And with that everyone starts playing tonsil hockey. Chandler with Monica, Ross with Phoebe, and Joey with Rachel.) Chandler: (To Monica) Happy New Year! Monica: Happy New Year. Ross: (To Phoebe) Happy New Year, Pheebs! Phoebe: You too! Rachel: (To Joey) Happy New Year, Joey! Joey: So did that do anything for ya? (Rachel slowly walks away.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the party. Everyone has left, except for the gng.] Ross: Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99! Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet. Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! Y'know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy. Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room, or? Ross: Everyday I am gonna do one thing that I haven't done before. That my friends is my New Year's resolution. Phoebe: Ooh! That's a good one! Mine is to pilot a commercial jet. Chandler: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths. Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane. Monica: She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us. Ross: In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't go the whole year without making fun of us. Eh, y'know what, better yet? A week. Chandler: I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the "new thing you do that day!" (Ross looks at him.) And it starts right now! Joey: All right, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to play the guitar. Ross: Ohh. Phoebe: Really?! How come? Joey: Well, y'know those special skills I have listed on my resume? I would love it would be great if one of those was true. Phoebe: Do you want me to teach you? I'm a great teacher. Joey: Really? Who-who have you taught? Phoebe: Well, I taught me and I love me. Joey: Yeah that'd be great! Thanks Pheebs! Rachel: Op, look! Claire forgot her glasses! And she's gonna be really needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend, who, I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about. Monica: Hey Rach, maybe your resolution should be to umm, gossip less. Rachel: I don't gossip! (They all laugh.) Rachel: Well, maybe sometimes I find out things or I hear something and I pass that information on y'know kinda like a public service, it doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip? Monica: Well if Ted Kopel talked about his coworkers botched boob jobs, I would. Rachel: What? They were like this! (She puts her hands over her breasts and indicates that the coworkers boob job resulted in one pointing up and one pointing down with her hands by pointing up with one hand and down with the other.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to a beautiful woman as Chandler and Joey enter.] Woman: I'll see you tomorrow. Ross: Okay! (She leaves.) (To Chandler and Joey.) Hey! Chandler and Joey: Hey! Ross: I just asked that girl out. Chandler: Nice! Joey: Nice!! Yeah! Is that part of your resolution, your new thing for today? Ross: Yes it is. See. (Shows them the piece of paper she gave him with her name and phone number on it.) Chandler: (reading it) Elizabeth Hornswoggle? Ross: That's right, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle. Chandler: Horn-swoggle. Joey: You all right Chandler? Is there something funny about that name? Chandler: No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before. (Sits down rubbing his temple.) Joey: Oh really! Where? Somewhere funny I'd bet! (Chandler is straining to keep quiet as Phoebe enters.) Ross: Hi, Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Oh-oh, guess what? I-I have a date with Elizabeth (Talking into Chandler's ear.) Hornswoggle. Phoebe: Hornswoggle? (To Chandler) Ooh, this must be klling you. Ross: All right, see you later. Joey: See ya! All right Pheebs, I am ready for my first lesson. Phoebe: Okay. (Joey tries to take the guitar.) Oh no-no-no, you don't touch the guitar! First you learn here, (Points to her head.) then you learn here. (Points to the guitar.) Joey: Umm, okay. Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords but umm, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. (She starts to show Joey the chords. Transcribers Note: For this one you'll have to use your imagination, 'cause it would take me 50 pages to describe each one. So if you want to see them, you'll have to wait for this episode to come to a TV near you.) (Holding up her hand and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.) So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm, Turkey Leg and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.) Chandler: What an interesting approach to guitar instruction. Y'know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with Rachel.] Phoebe: Hey everybody, Rachel was so good today. She didn't gossip at all. Rachel: I didn’t! Even when I found out…umm, all right, well let's just say I found something out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it. (Goes into her room.) Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. (Holds up his hand in one of Phoebe's chords.) Phoebe: Ooh, you nailed the Old Lady! (They both laugh at what she said.) Joey: Yeah listen so, I thought I was getting better, so on my way home today I stopped by this guitar store and… Phoebe: Did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there? Did you?! Joey: No. Phoebe: Give me your hands. (He does and she smells his left hand.) Strings. Gimme it! (He gives her his right hand and she smells it as well.) Pick. Do you want to learn to play guitar? Joey: Yes! Phoebe: Then don't touch one!! Ross: (entering, with Ben) Hi! Ben: Hi! Monica: Hi Ben! Ben: Auntie Monica!! (He runs to hug her.) Chandler: (notices something) Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.) Someone comment on the pants! Rachel: I think they're very nice. Monica: I like 'em. Joey: Yeah! (Chandler bangs the table in frustration.) Monica: I like them a lot. Chandler: That's not what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. (Motions to Ross's buttock.) Maybe there's something in that area. (They all speak at once in general approval of his pants selection; Joey asks where he got them. I can't pick out the rest of it.) Ross: Oh see, I-I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store that always smells so good and I thought to myself, "Wow, (To Chandler) I never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before." (No one says anything.) Chandler: Oh come on!! (Storms out.) Ross: (after he's left) Okay, seriously, what do you think? Joey: You look like a freak. Rachel: Awful, absolutely awful. (Plus other negative comments from Phoebe and Monica.) (Monica starts taking pictures of Ross and Ben, with the flash.) Ross: What are you, what are you doing? Monica: It's my New Year's resolution! Ross: What, to blind my child? Monica: No! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think it's the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures. Joey: Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well. (Does a chord and Monica starts taking pictures of him and Phoebe. They both start to strike a pose with the excessive amount of pictures that Monica takes.) [Scene: Elizabeth Hornswoggle's apartment; Ross is there on his date with her. They are sitting on the couch watching a movie. Ross is obviously hot.] Ross: (talking to himself) My God! These pants are burning up! (He's still wearing the leather pants.) (She snuggles closer.) Oh come on, she wants to snuggle now! What is she trying to kll me? It's like a volcano in here! (Out loud.) Are you hot? Elizabeth Hornswoggle: No. Ross: Okay, it must just be me then. (He shifts on the couch and a ripping sound emanates from his lower regions, the sound reminds one of a brief explsin of gas. In other words, it sounds like he farted. She has a look of horrific wonderment, wondering "Did he just fart?") Ross: That was just the pants on the couch. Umm, hey, do you, do you mind if I use your bathroom? Elizabeth: No, go ahead. Ross: Thanks. (Gets up and as he does so, the sound returns. Without another word he heads into her bathroom.) [Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross frantically pulls his shirt out and drops his pants. He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the bathroom envelops his legs. He sits on the cast iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next grabs a magazine and starts to blow air on his exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he wants it to. So he throws the magazine down, looks around for another idea, and finds one. He jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the water and starts to splash some on his legs, cooling them further.] Ross: (in ecstasy) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh………. Elizabeth: (yelling from outside) Hey, my favorite part is coming up! Ross: 'Kay! (He goes to pull up his pants, but can't seem to get them past his knees. He frantically tries to pull them up to no avail. Panic sets in.) Ross: Oh my God! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is drilling Joey on the chords as Monica looks on.] Phoebe: Tiger! (Joey moves his hand in an attempt to do the chord, in fact he does it with each name.) Dragon! Iceberg!! (He fails.) Joseph, did you even study at all last night? Joey: Yes! Yes, I did. Phoebe: Then do Iceberg! Joey: (thinks) (quietly) G-sharp. Phoebe: G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? (Joey doesn't answer.) Have you? (He looks away in shame.) Oh my God! Joey: What?! I didn't touch a guitar! Phoebe: No, but you're questioning my method! Joey: No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's stupid! (Notices Monica standing between them and smiling.) What?! (The camera clicks, taking another picture.) Monica: Thank you. (Leaves.) Phoebe: Y'know none of my other student thought I was stupid. Joey: Your other student, was you! Phoebe: Yeah, well, y'know maybe you just need to try a little harder! Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! (Storms out.) Phoebe: Fine! You go learn from your qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad, Bad Leroy Brown!! Rachel: (entering, singing) "Baddest man in the whole damn town." Phoebe: Oh, fine! Take his side! (Storms out.) (Rachel looks shocked, gets over it, notices she's alone, and picks up the phone. The last part of which is something she shouldn't have done, because the phone is already in use. By Monica, and now Rachel can hear every word.) Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours. Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.) Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big… Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around wondering what to do.) Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, The phone rings and Joey answers it.] Joey: (answering phone) Hello? Ross: (calling from Elizabeth's bathroom) Joey, it's Ross! I need some help! Joey: Uhh, Chandler's not here. Ross: Well, you can help me! Joey: Okay. Ross: Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom… Joey: Nice! Ross: No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off but they must have shrunk from the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. Look, I-I can't put them back on. I can't! Joey: Oh. That is quite a situation. Uh, do you see any like, powder? Ross: Powder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder! (Grabs some of her shelf.) Joey: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back up. Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! (He puts the phone down and proceeds to spread a large amount of powder on his legs and makes another attempt at pulling up his pants. It doesn't work, and without picking up the phone leans down to it.) (Almost in tears.) They're not coming on man. Joey: Umm, do you see any—oh, Vaseline? Ross: Ohh, I-I see lotion, I have lotion! Will that work? Joey: Yeah, sure, spread some of that on there. Ross: Hold on. (Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the pants and hits him in the forehead.) Joey: Ross? You okay? Ross: They're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste! Joey: Really?! Uhh, what color is it? Ross: What difference does that make?! Joey: Well, I'm just—if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference! Rachel: (entering) Joey, do you have a minute? Ross: Dude, what am I gonna… Joey: (To Ross) Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck man, let me know how it works out. (He hangs up the phone and strands Ross in the bathroom.) Rachel: Oh, Joey, I have such a problem! Joey: Oh well, you're timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place. Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Joey, I have got to tell you something! Joey: What-what is it, what is it? Rachel: Oh my God, it's so huge, but you just have to promise me that you cannot tell anyone. Joey: Oh no, no-no-no-no! I don't want to know! Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, you do want to know! This is unbelievable! Joey: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets but can't tell anyone! Rachel: What? What secrets? You know secrets? What are they? Joey: And you're not supposed to be gossiping!! Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone… (Joey in a childish attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say, puts his fingers in his ears and starts to scream loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his current state.) Joey: I'm not listening to you! (Chandler seeing that Joey has his eyes closed sneaks over and picks up the chicken. The chicken starts flapping it's wings in protest as Chandler holds the chicken inches from Joey's face. Joey stops yelling and upon opening his eyes sees the chicken, screams, and falls to the ground in horror.) [Scene: Elizabeth's apartment; Elizabeth is inquiring as to the delay in Ross's exit from her bathroom.] Elizabeth: Ross, umm, you've been in there for a long time. I'm starting to get kinda freaked out. Ross: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off. Elizabeth: No, let's just leave the lights on. (Ross opens the door and steps into the living room. He has fully removed his pants and holds them wrapped into a ball in front of his crotch. His legs are covered in the powder and lotion paste. He looks terrible.) Elizabeth: Oh my God! Ross: I had a problem. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there to apologize to Phoebe.] Joey: Hey, Pheebs? Phoebe: No, I can't talk to you! I don't have a fancy ad in the Yellow Pages! Joey: Look, Pheebs, I just, I wanna apologize for, for saying that your method was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again. And-and I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready. (After a short pause she hands him her guitar.) You really think I'm ready? Phoebe: Uh-huh! Joey: Wow! Cool! (He takes the guitar, stands up, and goes to play a note. However, while strumming it, he knocks it out of his hands and it bounces off the table and lands on the floor. Phoebe just stares at the guitar.) Joey: (sitting back down) Was the chord at least right… Phoebe: No! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his horrible trek back home without pants on. The whole gng is there.] Chandler: Oh my God! Monica: We heard about your pants, I'm so sorry. Ross: This year was supposed to be great! But, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit! All: No. No, you're not a loser. Ross: Look at me! (Chandler squeaks in an attempt not to make fun of him.) Monica: Hey, hey, look. Look Ross, Ben drew a picture of you! (Shows him Ben's picture.) Huh? You're-you're a cowboy! Ross: Oh, be-because of the leather pants. Monica: See? Ben doesn't think you're a loser, he thinks you're a cowboy! Now that's something. (All at once.) Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: That really is something; that's really cool. Joey: Howdy partner! Ross: Maybe I should get another pair! Ooh, y'know, they-they had some with fringe all down the sides. (Chandler starts rubbing his temple again.) I'm gonna go kiss Ben goodnight. (He starts to head for Monica's bedroom.) I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy. (Pause.) I would make a good cowboy. (He struts into Monica's room.) Monica: Okay, now that everything's wrapped up here, I think I'm, I'm gonna go do my laundry. Chandler: Oh yeah, me too. Y'know if this shirt is dirty. (Smells it.) Yep. (They both exit.) Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended. Rachel: Good luck, honey! Phoebe: Bye! (She exits, leaving Rachel and Joey alone.) Rachel: Hey, uh, Joey? Joey: Umm? Rachel: Remember that big thing I was gonna tell you about? Joey: Oh, no! (Starts that screaming thing again. Rachel stops him by pulling his fingers out of his ears.) Rachel: I'm not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that would be okay and then we could talk about it. Right? Joey: Well, then it wouldn't be a secret. So yeah, that would be okay. Yeah. Yeah! Rachel: (quietly) Yeah. Well. (Pause.) Hey uh Joe, would mind going over to Chandler's bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed from me? Joey: Now? You want me to go over there now? Rachel: Yeah! Joey: Do you know something? Rachel: Do you know something? Joey: I might know something. Rachel: I might know something too. Joey: What's the thing you know? Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know. Joey: I can't tell you what I know. Rachel: Well then I can't tell you what I know. Joey: Okay, fine. (Silence ensues.) Joey: You don't know! Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know! (Note: Kudos to Ms. Aniston on the delivery of that line. She said it very quickly and didn't screw up a word. Try it yourself, it ain't that easy.) Joey: (gasps) YOU KNOW!!!! Rachel: AND YOU KNOW!!! Joey: Yeah, I know!!!! Rachel: Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is unbelievable!! How long have you known? Joey: Too long! Oh my God, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! Listen, listen, we can't say anything about this to anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen… (Phoebe returns and interrupts them.) Joey and Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! It's raining. I don't want to fly in the rain. So… (Pause.) Joey: Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain. Rachel: Ohhh, yeah, me too. (They both exit.) Phoebe: That's weird. (Pause.) I bet they're doing it. Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.] Chandler: (entering) Oh good, okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! (Hands him the 50 bucks he's about to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggile Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in relief.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x11 - The One With All The Resolutions"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Alicia Sky Varinaitis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to pry more information about Chandler and Monica from Joey who's sitting on the couch and busy downing a pizza.] Rachel: Come on Joey!!! Joey: Rach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big of a deal, so Monica and Chandler are doing it. Rachel: I can't believe you would say that! Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love. Rachel: No! I mean come on! This is a huge deal! (She sits next to him on the couch.) Fine I want—I need more details, who-who initiated the first kiss? Joey: (thinks) I don't know. Rachel: Is he romantic with her? Joey: I don't know. Rachel: Are they in love? Joey: (thinks) I don't know. Rachel: You don't know anything. Joey: Ohh, I know one thing! Rachel: What? Joey: They did it right there on the couch. (He points to where she's sitting and she jumps up quickly.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Ross enters.] Joey: Hey Ross! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: (disinterested) Hey-yeah. (He hurries up to the counter.) Hey gn, can I have a scone please? (To the gng.) Wanna hear some good news? Someone I know is getting married! Yeah! And weddings are happy occasions! Oh, by-the-by it's my ex-wife Emily! All: What? Oh! Chandler: Sorry man. gn: Here's your scone. Ross: Oh, thanks gn. (He takes it, hands the plate it's on to Rachel, sets it down on the table, and proceeds to pound it into oblivion while saying.) STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!!!!!!! Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class? Phoebe: Hey, you know what might help you deal with it? Think of it this way, you and Emily are in the past and you can't be mad about the past. So are you still mad about the Louisiana Purchase? Rachel: Pheebs, I don’t think anyone's mad about that. Phoebe: Exactly! Because it's in the past! Joey: (eyeing the flattened scone) Anybody gonna eat that? [Scene: Chandler's office, Monica and him are at a party his office is throwing.] Monica: Look at us all dressed up for the big office party! By the way, what are we celebrating? Chandler: Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party. Monica: I think this is so cool because none of our friends are here and we can be a real couple. We don't have to hide. Chandler: I know, I can do this. (He takes her hand.) Monica: Ooh, and I can do this. (She kisses him on the cheek.) (They both stand real close together.) Both: We can't do that. (They separate.) (Chandler's boss (Doug) walks up.) Doug: Hey Bing! (Slaps him on his ass.) (Sees Monica) Wo-ho-ho, who's the pretty lady and what the hell is she doing with you? Chandler: I asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, (Points to Monica) this is Monica. (Points to his boss.) This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is Monica. Monica: Hi, nice to meet you! Doug: Hi! And this is my wife Kara. Kara: Nice to meet you Monica. Bing! (Slaps Chandler on his butt.) Doug: Say uh, Bing, did you hear about the new law firm we got working for us? Chandler: No, sir. Doug: Yeah, Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe. (Chandler does a fake laugh.) Doug: Come on honey, let's go drink our body weight. (They walk off leaving Chandler and Monica alone.) Monica: What was that? Chandler: What? Monica: That noise you just made? Chandler: Oh, that was my work laugh. Monica: Really? Your work laugh? Chandler: Oh, believe me, to survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too. Monica: All right, check me out. Chandler: Okay. (She walks up to where Doug is finishing another joke to another group.) Doug: …says $30 Father; same as in town. (Monica does a fake laugh. For the laughs, you'll have to see the episode. I can't describe them.) [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is buying a muffin as Chandler runs in.] Chandler: Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night! Monica: Really? Chandler: And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. (She glares at him.) Strip church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet. Monica: Hey, I thought you already had one. Chandler: Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and ht rocks at…bigger rocks. (He starts to leave and stops an entering Rachel.) Hey Rach, do you have a tennis racquet? Rachel: Oh umm, y'know I lent it to Joey and I never actually got it back. Chandler: Okay, good luck with that. (Exits.) Rachel: (To Monica) Hey! Monica: Hi! Rachel: What's up?! Monica: What are you doing here? I thought you had to do inventory all day. Rachel: Well yeah, I do, but I decided to take a long lunch and spend some time with my friend Monica. Y'know I-I feel that we don't talk anymore. How are you? What is new with you? Monica: Uhh, not much. Uh, work's good. Rachel: Oh y'know what, we don’t have to talk about work. We can talk about anything! Monica: Okay. Umm… Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? Let's talk about relationships! Monica: Okay, what's going on with you? Rachel: Nothing! You go! Monica: Well, I-I—there was this guy at the bank that I thought was cute umm, but I don't anymore. Rachel: Wow that's uh, juicy. Umm, (checks watch) y'know what though Mon, I actually do have a lot of work to do so if-if—are you sure there's just not anything else? Monica: Yes, I'm sure! Rachel is there something that you want to talk me about? Rachel: No! (Gets up to leave.) (Under her breath.) If there was I wouldn't tell you. [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe is settling a dispute between the chick and the duck.] (The duck quacks.) Phoebe: Okay, then what happened? (The duck flaps its wings frantically.) Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (The chick clucks.) You'll get your turn! Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs, what's going on? Phoebe: Nothing! (Picks up and sets the chick down on the floor.) (To the chick.) This is not over! Ross: No! No! No! Phoebe: What?! Ross: I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily! It was perfect and now it's all covered in-in… (The duck quacks.) Actually, thanks! Joey: (entering from his room) All right! Everybody ready to go to the movies? Ross: Uh actually, I think I'm gonna skip it. Joey: Really? Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and read my book. I just wanna be alone right now. Joey: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff. Ross: That's okay, Joe. Joey: All right, let's go Pheebs. Ross: (licks the envelope and encounters a foreign substance on the glue.) Oh God! [Scene: A tennis court somewhere in the city of New York, it's the doubles match-up of a century Chandler and Monica versus Doug and Kara.] Doug: Bing! (Hits the ball towards Chandler who returns it back to him. He then hits the ball at Monica who slams it and it bounces off Kara's leg.) Kara: Oww!! Monica: Game! Doug: Well, I gotta tell ya Bing; that partner of yours is a real tiger. (To his wife.) Are you all right sweethart? Kara: (out of breath and mouths) I'm not all right. Doug: We're, we're just gonna get a little sip of water. (They both walk off the court.) Monica: Am I on fre today or what?! Those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be carved! Chandler: Okay, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game. Monica: I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said. Chandler: Let them win one. Monica: Are you crazy?! We own those two! I mean look at 'um, he can't breath and she's popping pills. Chandler: You're not even giving them a chance! Monica: They have racquets don't they?! Doug: Uh Bing, I think we're gonna make this the last game. Chandler: Oh yes, sir! Put me out of my misery. Are you sure you never played pro? (Does his work laugh.) (To Monica) Please let them win! Monica: I'll take it down to 95% but that's the best I can do. (She serves to Doug who returns it to Chandler. As it bounces over his head Chandler swings and misses.) Chandler: Oopsey, missed it! Monica: I got it! (She hits a forehand smash that bounces right in between Doug and Kara and scores a point.) Doug: Nice sht. (Chandler glares at her and she shrugs her shoulders. Monica serves again; and Kara returns it.) Monica: I got it!! (Chandler cuts in front of her and hits the ball high and long.) Chandler: Long! (Gives Monica the Work Laugh.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Chandler are returning from the game.] Monica: I can't believe you let them win! Chandler: Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it. (Removes a smashed racquet from his bag.) Monica: I was frustrated. Chandler: It was my racquet. Monica: I was frustrated with you! Chandler: If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invented us to dinner tomorrow night. Monica: Y'know what really bothers me? Is—it's how-how different you act around them! I mean y'know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the "I'll see you around, Bing!" "Not if I see you first, Doug!" (Mocks the fake laugh.) I gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up. Chandler: Okay y'know what, because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight. [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, the next morning the girls are there with Joey.] Monica: I'm telling you, something's wrong! My brother does not stay out all night. Joey: Maybe we should check the trash chute. Rachel: Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute. Joey: That's right, he almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there. (Ross enters.) Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: There he is! Monica: Oh my God! (She goes to hug him, stops short, and hits him on the shoulder.) Where the hell have you been?!! Ross: Just, y'know out. Rachel: Ohh, out, oh God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there! Phoebe: What were you doing? Ross: I uh, went to a bar. And then I just uh, just walked around for a while. Rachel: You walked around all night in the city by yourself? Joey: (snaps his fingers) He hooked up! He hooked up with someone. Ross: Look, I don't have to answer your questions! Okay? I'm a big boy, I can do whatever I want! Joey: He hooked up!! Tell us about her! [Suddenly the door opens and Ross's mystery girl enters. I'll give you a hint to who it is: OH….MY….GAWD!! Uh-huh, it's Janice.] Janice: (entering) Ross you left you scarf in…(sees everyone.) Hey you guys. (Does the laugh.) (They all turn and with shocked looks on their faces stare at Ross. Ross is at a loss for words at this moment.) Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, continued from earlier.] Janice: Uh-oh-okay. Uh-oh-okay. I know what you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman! I have needs! I can't wait forever! Rachel: Yeah! No that's what I was thinking. Janice: So I'm asking you please, take a moment before you judge me. Phoebe: Oh, nobody's judging you. (They all turn and look at Ross.) Janice: Oh! Okay! (To Ross) You, Mister Right Place at the Right Time, call me! (Does her famous, or is that infamous, laugh and exits.) (They all turn and glare at Ross.) Ross: Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are going to say… Phoebe: You two will have very hairy children. Ross: Okay, I didn't know you would say that. Rachel: Ross! Janice?! Joey: All right, hold on! Hold on. Hold on. This is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind. Ross: Look, I didn't lose my mind! Okay, Janice and I have a lot in common! We've-we've both been divorced. We-we both have kids. Phoebe: So are you actually gonna see her again? Joey: Phoebe! Don't put ideas in his head! Ross: I am gonna see her again. Joey: Damnit Phoebe!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is going through her purse as Rachel rushes in.] Rachel: (entering) Okay, I have to tell you something that I have never admitted during our entire friendship! But, when we were in high school I made out with James Farrell even when I knew that you liked him! Wow, that feels so good to get off my chest! Okay, you go! Monica: My turn? What-what are you talking about? Rachel: Ugh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler. Monica: What?! Rachel: I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, "I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours." And he said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And you said, "No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big." Monica: Well. Sounds like you're writing yourself a little play there Rach. Wow! Let me know how that one turns out. Rachel: Well, I wouldn't know because I got so freaked out that I hung up the phone. Monica: Well, if you had kept listening, you-you would have heard me call him Mr. Big…(Thinks)…ot. Rachel: What?! Monica: Mr. Bigot. He tells the most rcist jokes. Rachel: All right. So you're telling me that there is nothing going on between you and Chandler. Monica: Me and Chandler?! (Does her fake laugh.) [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe and Joey are there.] Joey: All right, put your 20 bucks down. First one to find the tasty treat wins. Okay? Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.) Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge! Joey: Judge rules, no violation. Phoebe: Ohhh. Ross: (entering) Hey guys! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Yeah! (Neither of them turns around from watching the chick and the duck look for the tasty treat.) Ross: Y'know what? It sounds so weird to say this but, I just had a great day with Janice! (They both turn around.) Joey: What?! Phoebe: Are you serious?! Ross: Yeah! I opened up to her about all the terrible stuff that's been happening to me. I mean I talked for hours. (Joey has lost interest and is watching the race again.) It is amazing to have someone give you such-such focused attention. Phoebe: You don't need Janice for that, you've got us. We… Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter! Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton! Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter. Phoebe: Ohh, tough call. Joey: Yeah. [Scene: Doug's house, Chandler, Monica, and them are just finishing dinner.] Doug: But seriously, I believe that we should all support President Clinton. And her husband Bill. (Chandler does the laugh.) Kara: So how do you kids like your coffee? Monica: Oh, none for me. Thanks. Chandler: Just a little bit of sugar. Doug: Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it. That oughta sweeten it up, huh? (Once again, with the laugh.) (Doug and Kara go get the coffee.) Monica: (To Chandler) How does that laugh not give you a headache? Chandler: Oh, you get used to it. Monica: Y'know, I-I-I don't think that I can. So if you don't mind, maybe this will be it for me on the work things. Chandler: So I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's the big deal? Monica: I'd rather hang out with a sniveling work weasel guy when I can be hanging out with my boyfriend who I actually respect. Chandler: Oh. (Does a double take when he realizes what she just said.) Doug: (entering) Uh, I gotta apologize for Kara's coffee. Y'know, I feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight, it's not strong enough to defend itself. (Chandler does not laugh.) Did you hear what I said Bing? Chandler: What? Doug: The joke Bing. What's the matter with you? Chandler: Well, I-I just didn't think it was funny sir. Doug: Excuse me? Chandler: Well, I just… Monica: (interrupting) Honey, I just don't think that you understood the joke. Chandler: Really? Monica: Yeah! I mean it was really funny, I-I just don't think you got it. You see Kara's coffee is-is-is weak tasting, okay? But-but what Doug was-was imply that it was weak physically. You get it now honey? Chandler: I think I do! (They all laugh.) Thank you, Monica. Monica: I thought you could use the help. Chandler: Coffee in a fight! (Does the laugh again.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is going through the mail as Joey enters.] Joey: (entering) Hey Rach! Hey, you mind if I read my comic books in here? Rachel: Sure! Why? Joey: Oh well, Chandler and Monica are over there and it's kinda hard to concentrate. Rachel: What?! She just called and said that she was gonna be working late! She keeps lying to me! That's it! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go over there and confront them right now! [Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Rachel enters and sneaks up to Chandler's bedroom where she overhears Chandler and Monica talking.] Chandler: (from his bedroom) All right, so you're telling me that I have to tell rcist jokes now?! Monica: Sorry! I'm just—I'm not very good at this! I'm a terrible liar and I hate having to lie to Rachel! Chandler: But we're not ready to tell yet! Monica: I know! It's just that…ever since high school Rachel was the one person I told everything too. Y'know? I miss that so much now. She's my best friend. (Rachel decides not to confront them and starts to walk out, knocking over a lamp in the process.) Monica: (entering) Joey?! Oh my God, Rachel! Rachel: Hey! Hi! Monica: Wh-wh-what are you doing here? (She tries to pull her shirt down to cover the fact that she's wearing men's boxers.] Rachel: Well, I was actually—I-I came over here to-to borrow this lamp. To umm, look at my books, y'know, see them a little better. Monica: Okay great! Rachel: Yeah! Monica: Great! Umm, well what-what I was doing in Chandler's room is that umm, I was cleaning it! In fact, he pays me to clean it! Rachel: Oh! What a great way to earn some extra pocket money. Monica: Y'know when I said to you earlier that I was at work umm, I'm at my new work. Rachel: That's good enough. Right? (Pause.) Okay, well umm, I'm gonna go look at my books! Monica: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Monica: I'll get back to my new job. (Pause.) Rachel: 'Kay. (Pause.) Congratulations on your new job. (She goes and hugs Monica and is almost in tears.) (After she exits, Chandler enters.) Chandler: Man, she is really gullible. (Monica motions that it went right over Rachel's head.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Janice are sitting on the couch.] gn: Here you go. (Serves them both some coffee.) Ross: Thanks! Janice: Actually, I should get going. Ross: Are you sure? Because I can stay out as late as you want. I told you how I'm on sabbatical from work, right? Janice: Yes! Yes! You did! Ross: Oh… Janice: What is wrong now?! Ross: This isn't what I ordered! Man! Can anything go right in my life?! First my marriage falls apart and then… Janice: I know! I know! And then you lose your apartment! And then you lose your job! And then your ex-wife gets married so fast! And now the coffee—ahh!! Ross, we need to talk. Ross: Okay. Sometimes I feel… Janice: No-no-no, no. I'm going to talk. I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun. Ross: Huh? Janice: (starting to cry) You're a very sweet person Ross, umm, unfortunately I don't think I can take another second of you whining!! Ross: Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? (Janice makes an agreeing sound.) So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice. Janice: Well yeah!! Ross: OH…MY…GOD!! Janice: Are you gonna be okay? Ross: I am now. Janice: Okay. (Joey enters.) Joey: Umm, hi. Janice: Oh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey. (Laughs and exits.) (Joey looks at Ross with a horrified look on his face.) Ending Credits [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is reading a magazine as Ross hands him a beer.] Ross: Dude, we got to talk. Chandler: Okay. Ross: I just wanted to tell you something before you heard it from someone else and I hope this isn't too weird, but uh, I had uh, a thing with Janice. (He laughs, his real laugh this time.) What you're-you're not mad? Chandler: Why would I be mad? Ross: Well, because y'know there are certain rules about this kind of stuff. You don't uh, you don't fool around with your uh, friend's ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to. Chandler: (realizes what Ross just said and the implications to him) I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you. Ross: Okay. Chandler: I also want you to remember that I let you live here rent free! Ross: All right. Chandler: And, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty (counts his money) seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't remember that, I think we should write it down—let's write it down! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x12 - The One With Chandler's Work Laugh"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Seth Kirkland Story by: Michael Curtis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, he is giving Monica a massage.] Monica: I can't believe we've never done this before! It's sooo good! So good for Monica! (Chandler picks up the timer being used and turns it to zero at which it chimes.) Chandler: Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn! Monica: That was a half an hour? Chandler: It's your timer. (They change places.) Monica: Y'know, I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages! Chandler: All right, then massage me up right nice! (She starts the massage, only she is doing extremely hard and Chandler is gasping in pain.) Chandler: Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!! Monica: It's so good, isn't it? Chandler: It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it! Monica: Say good-bye to sore muscles! Chandler: Good-bye muscles!! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.] Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just—I didn't know what it was! Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her. Chandler: Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay, I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth. Ross: (walking up with Rachel and carrying coffee) Hey. Joey: Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat! (He picks a hat up from the floor. It's one of those magician stovepipe hats.) Ross: Sorry. Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.) Ross: (glaring at Joey) This would be the place where you explain the hat. Joey: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff. Chandler: And you're gonna make them all disappear. Joey: Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this. (Chandler picks up a basket from the table and puts it on his head.) Chandler: Done. Rachel: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store? I'll help you out. Joey: Great! Thanks, Rach! Rachel: Sure! (Pause) God, please take those off! Joey: All right. (Both of them remove their hats as Phoebe enters.) Ross: Hey Pheebs, how's it going? Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I just got back from, from the hospital. (All at once.) Rachel: What? Ross: Is everything okay? Joey: Are you all right? Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died. Joey: Pheebs! Sorry! Phoebe: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit. Rachel: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now? Phoebe: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse! Monica: (entering, in a hurry) Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside. Ross: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died. Monica: Ohh my God, I'm so sorry. Phoebe: It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like y'know, one life ends and another begins. Monica: (to the guys) Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? How did she die? Phoebe: Well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again. Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry. Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; "Okay dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout counter." And y'know what? We will meet at the checkout counter. [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is fixing Joey up with some new clothes.] Rachel: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear? Joey: All right, then you'd better show me some of that too then. Rachel: Okay, it's missing something. Ooh, I know! Umm, okay. (Goes and grabs a bag, that looks like a purse, and shows it to Joey.) Joey: Really? A purse? Rachel: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag. Joey: It looks like a women's purse. Rachel: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring catalog. Look. (Shows him.) See look, men, carrying the bag. Joey: See look, women, carrying the bag. (He puts it on his shoulder and looks at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees.) But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man. Rachel: Exactly! Unisex! Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago. Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex. Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that. [Scene: Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is about to break the bad news to her sister. She knocks on the door.] Ursula: Who is it? Phoebe: It's Phoebe. Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up? Phoebe: Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in? Ursula: Umm, yeah—no thanks. Phoebe: Umm, well, umm Grandma died. Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago? Phoebe: No, she just died today! Okay, umm, we're having a memorial service tomorrow. Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready. Phoebe: No you didn't! Ursula: Well, then who's been dad for five years? Phoebe: Well, lots of people! Look, are you coming to memorial service or not? Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dad so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So… I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left. Phoebe: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. (Starts to leave.) Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral. [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are on the couch as Joey enters with his new bag.] Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! (As he walks past both Chandler and Ross notice the bag and stare at each other in shock.) Chandler: Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani! Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book! Ross: Your make-up! Rachel: (entering) Joey, what are you doing with the bag? You're audition is not until tomorrow. Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now. (Removes a sandwich and starts eating.) Rachel: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it. Joey: Why would I return it? I love this bag! Rachel: All right, then you owe me $350. Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard? (He's holding the fake credit cards that come with the bag.) Rachel: (glaring at him) Joey… Joey: All right relax, look I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get thanks to you. Ross: What's the part, Anti-man? Rachel: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy. Joey: U-N-I-sexy? (Smiles provocatively.) [Scene: Phoebe's Grandmother's memorial, Phoebe is at the door welcoming people.] Phoebe: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Well, okay look, here's your umm, 3-D glasses and Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on. (The gng arrives.) Rachel: Hi sweetie! Ross: Hey, how are you holding up? Joey: Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry. Phoebe: (notices his bag.) Hey, y'know what? My Grandma had the exact same bag! Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers. (He pulls them out of the bag.) Phoebe: Thanks! Chandler: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine. (Another man, an older man, enters, looking around and bumps into Chandler.) Man: Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial? (The gng moves off as Phoebe greets the new guest.) Phoebe: Yeah, welcome. Man: Hello. Hello. Phoebe: Umm here's your 3-D glasses. Man: Oh, umm, all right. Phoebe: So how did you know Francis? Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter. Phoebe: Really?! What's your name? Man: Umm, Frank Buffay. (Needless to say, Phoebe is stunned into silence. And one audience member gasps.) Frank Sr.: (Seeing the look on her face) Y'know what? Strike that. My name uh, actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill. Phoebe: You're Frank Buffay? Frank Sr.: Shh! (Whispers) No! Joe Hill! Phoebe: You just said… Frank Sr.: Y'know what, I gotta go. And thank you so much for coming. (Hands back his glasses and hurries out.) Phoebe: But… (Phoebe takes one step after him and stops.) Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: What?! What honey? Ross: What happened? Phoebe: That was my dad! Chandler: Oh my God! (They all look down the hall he left from.) Joey: (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you guys, check it out. Check it out. (Moves his hand towards and away from his face.) It's like it's coming right at me. (Chandler helps out a little bit by pushing on Joey's arm, which causes his hand to slap him in his face.) Commercial Break [Scene: The Funeral Home, continued from earlier. Phoebe is returning after looking for her father.] Monica: Oh, did you catch him?! Phoebe: Uh-huh. Ross: Wh-what did he say?! Phoebe: He said, "Nice to meet you Glenda." (They stare at her, dumbfounded) Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name? Rachel: Why?! Why not?! Phoebe: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? He's gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned! Joey: What did you say to him? Phoebe: Well, I said, I told him y'know, that I was the executor person of Francis' will and that I needed to talk to him so I'm gonna meet him at the coffee house later. The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats? Phoebe: All right, well, I just can't think about that right now. I just wanna say good-bye to my Grandma. Rachel: Okay. Monica: All right, let's go say good-bye. (They put on their glasses and try to find their way to their seats.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the funeral, everyone is there.] Joey: (entering, with bag) Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look? Rachel: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag is gonna get you that part. Chandler: And a date with a man! Joey: Y'know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag! Okay? And it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey, (pats the bag) comes with a bag! (Exits.) Phoebe: All right, I'd better go too. I have to go talk to my dad. Rachel: Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are? Phoebe: Umm, no, not at first 'cause I-I don't want to freak him out Ross: Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean this guy abandoned you! I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger! (Getting worked up) I mean I-I-I'd walk in there and I'd be like, "Yo, dad! You and me outside right now!" (Calming down.) I kinda scared myself. Monica: Well, at least you scared someone. Phoebe: Y'know it's funny, you'd think I'd be angry. I mean, you'd think I'd wanna rip his tiny little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it. Monica: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help you. Phoebe: All right. (She goes over and tries to give Phoebe a massage. Phoebe yelps in pain and jumps away from her.) Phoebe: Oh! Get off!! Ow!! Oh, stop it!! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?! Monica: What are you talking about? Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you, never do that to anyone! Monica: (indignant) I give good massages! (Ross laughs.) I used to give them to Rachel all the time before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler loves them! Watch! (She starts giving Chandler a massage.) Phoebe: (seeing the look on Chandler's face) He-he does not like it! He hates it! He's in pain! Monica: No he's not! Chandler: (wincing) Yes, he is! Monica: What?! Chandler: I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww! Monica: You've been lying to me? I can't believe you'd do that. Ross: Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings. Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each other… (Pauses after she realizes what she's saying.) And by 'we' I mean society. [Scene: Joey's audition, he is with bag.] The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey. Joey: (reading from the script) Well, you must be new here. Why don't we get a table and I'll buy you a drink. The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse? Joey: Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts reading.) Well, you must be new here. Maybe we should—I'm sorry, can I ask you something? (He stops and asks a question.) The Casting Director: Sure. What? Joey: Well, first it's not a purse. The Casting Director: Okay, anytime. Joey: I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a man's bag! The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go! Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog! (Does so.) See? Huh? It's the latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them! The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags? Joey: Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves. The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great! Joey: Yeah but I didn’t read anything. The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough! Joey: Okay! All right, I'll see ya. (As he's walking off stage.) (Patting the bag.) We got it! We got it! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is poking his head in.] Chandler: Hey, is Rachel here? Monica: No. Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em. Monica: Oh, please, stop! Look, we're supposed to be honest with each other. I-I just wish you could tell me—just say, "I don't like your massages." Chandler: (falling into that trap) I don't like your massages. Monica: (starting to cry) See? It's no big deal. Chandler: Okay, but now see you're crying! Monica: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at work. Chandler: What? Monica: (bursting into tears) My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages. Chandler: It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything. Monica: Oh my God! You don't know me at all! Chandler: Okay, you give the worst massages in the world. Monica: I'm crying here!! Chandler: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you. Monica: Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad massage, well who would get that? Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes! Monica: So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica? Chandler: Absolutely! Monica: Okay. I suck! Chandler: Yeah! (They hug.) [Scene: Central Perk, Frank Sr. is just arriving.] Phoebe: Umm, thank you for meeting with me. Frank Sr.: Thank you. All right. Phoebe: Come, sit. (He's hesitant.) Sit. (Still hesitating.) Sit! (He sits on the arm of the couch.) Umm, all righty, before we get started I just—I need you to state for the official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay. Frank Sr.: Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm. Phoebe: Okay. Frank Sr.: So, what did Francis leave me? Phoebe: Huh? Frank Sr.: Well, that's why you wanted me to come, right? Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeah—no. She did. She left you umm, (looking in her purse) this lipstick. Frank Sr.: Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's (opens it) oh it's—ew used. Umm, cool. Phoebe: Okay. I have just a few questions to ask so I'm going to get out my official forms. (She picks up a couple of crumpled receipts.) Okay, so, question 1) You and uh, you were married to Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct? Frank Sr.: Yes, yes I was. Phoebe: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium, or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children? Frank Sr.: It really says that?! Phoebe: Yeah. See? (Quickly shows him.) Frank Sr.: Well then I guess then I-I would I would have to say C. Phoebe: Hmm, okay, total abandonment. Okay, reasons for abandonment, A. Top secret government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or you're just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man? Frank Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. (Gets up to leave.) But umm… Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give Lilly that, please? (Hands her a note.) Phoebe: What?! Frank Sr.: Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note? Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me the way you got mad at me and I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that note, would you give it to her please? Phoebe: But you-you-you came to see Lilly? Frank Sr.: Yeah, yeah. Why? Phoebe: Lilly's dad. (He looks up in shock.) Frank Sr.: She what?! Phoebe: She's dad. Frank Sr.: Are you sure? Phoebe: Well, if she isn't then cremating her was a big mistake. Frank Sr.: I can't believe this. I just—I can't believe this. How-how—Oh my God. How long ago? Phoebe: 17 years ago. Frank Sr.: Oh! What about, what about the girls? Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch. (Silence ensues.) Phoebe: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you! Frank Sr.: Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, (Sits down next to her and brushes against her leg.) Oops. (He backs up.) I just, I-I-I-I don’t, I don’t know what to say. I just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're so pretty. Phoebe: Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there. Frank Sr.: So would it, would it make you feel better if I said I was very, very sorry that I left? Phoebe: Y'know what, it doesn’t matter what you say it's not gonna make a difference anyway, so you can just go. Frank Sr.: All right. Well, y'know in my defense I was a lousy father. Phoebe: That's a defense? Frank Sr.: Yes. Yes it is. I b*rned the formula and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean, I made up a song to help you sleep, but that made you cry even more! Phoebe: You make up songs? Frank Sr.: Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. Let's see, how did it, how did it go. Umm. (Singing.) Sleepy girl, sleepy girl. Why won't you go to sleep? Sleepy girl, sleepy girl. You're, you're, you're keeping me uppp! (Yeah, that's to the tune of Smelly Cat.) Yeah. (Phoebe is trying not to smile. He moves closer and very shyly holds out his hand and turns his head, hoping for Phoebe to take his hand. She doesn't.) Frank Sr.: I just, I y'know, I'm not very good at this. So, umm… (Backs away.) Phoebe: Well, I am. (Moves over and takes his hand.) (She holds his hand for a little while then…) Phoebe: Not yet, no. (Drops his hand and moves back.) Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey returns from his audition and finds everyone but Phoebe there.] Joey: (dejected) Hi. All: Hey! Chandler: Hey man, how did the audition go? Joey: Estelle said I didn't get it. (Sits down next to Rachel on the couch.) Rachel: What?! Why? Joey you were so ready for it! Joey: Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems with me. Ross: What kind of problem? Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, (Pause) they had a problem with the bag! Chandler: Oh my God! Ross: Nooooo! Joey: Y'know what? It was a stupid play anyway! Monica: Y'know, Joey, I think it's time to give up the bag. Joey: I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have to give up the bag! Do I Rach? (She's avoiding his eyes.) Oh, you think I should give up the bag! Rachel: Honey wait, Joey, I’m sorry I mean as terrific as I think you are with it… (Looks for help.) Chandler: Oh, hey! (Ross nods in agreement as well.) Rachel: …I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag. Joey: I can't believe I'm hearing this! Rachel: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldn’t have a bag, I just—it's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, (Pause) controversial. Chandler: Yeah umm, they're called wallets. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x13 - The One With Joey's Bag"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating some Chinese food.] Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in boxes! (They all run and join her at the window.) Rachel: I'd say from the looks of it; our naked buddy is moving. Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes. Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt. Chandler: And we're done with the chicken fried rice. Ross: Hey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place! All: Good idea! Yes! Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys! Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string! Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing. Opening Credits [Scene: Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are checking out the place. Luckily, Ugly Naked Guy is nowhere to be seen.] Ross: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great it is! Rachel: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man. Phoebe: It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm gonna bat you to it. Ross: (laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of steps to the door and Ross quickly hurries out.) Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. (Does so.) Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!! Rachel: What?! Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!! Rachel: Oh my God! Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!! Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!! Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!! Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!! Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW! Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!! Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!! Ross: (entering) What's going on? Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!! Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi! Ross: What?! What?! Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment! Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.) Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.) (Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there talking about Chandler and Monica.] Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping or—Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp! Rachel: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it. Phoebe: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She might be able to do better. Joey: (entering) Hey guys! Rachel: Joey! Come here! Come here! Joey: What? What? Rachel: Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler. Joey: You mean how they're friends and nothing more? (Glares at Rachel.) Rachel: No. Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. (Joey gasps) Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window. Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows? Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over! Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own. Rachel: Wh-what do you mean? Phoebe: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do. Rachel: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that! Joey: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them. Rachel: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing. Joey: I can't take any… Phoebe: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know! Joey: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! (To Rachel) I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know! Rachel: You don't have any secrets! Joey: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (Joey shies away.) Rachel: (To Phoebe) So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them? Joey: Ugh. Phoebe: Well, you could use your position y'know as the roommate. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality. Chandler: (entering) Hello children! All: Hey! Phoebe: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie. (She gets up and goes over to Chandler who's ordering some coffee from gn.) Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you! Chandler: Really? Phoebe: (feels his arm) Yeah the material feels so soft—hello Mr. Bicep! Have you been working out? Chandler: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay? Phoebe: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm—Oh! I can't tell you this. Chandler: Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything. Phoebe: Well actually you're the one person I can't tell this too. And the one person I want to the most. Chandler: What's going on? Phoebe: I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don’t even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee—Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just something to think about. I know I will. (She makes a show of bending over to get her coat and showing off her bum. She then walks out, leaving no one to eat her cookie.) [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler and Monica are there, of course. Like who else would it be, duh!] Monica: You are so cute! How did you get to be so cute? Chandler: Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny. Monica: Okay, now you're even cuter!! Chandler: Y'know that is a popular opinion today I must say. Monica: What? Chandler: The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting on me. Monica: What are you talking about? Chandler: I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy. Monica: That's not possible! Chandler: Ow! Monica: I'm sorry it's just, Phoebe just always thought you were, you were charming in a, in a sexless kind of way. Chandler: Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough. Monica: I'm sorry, I think that you just misunderstood her. Chandler: No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying out loud! Monica: This bicep? Chandler: Well it's not flexed right now! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there. Monica is entering from her room.] Rachel: Hey Mon, what are you doing now? Wanna come see a movie with us? Monica: Uhh, y'know actually I was gonna do some laundry. Rachel: Oh. Monica: Hey Chandler, wanna do it with me? Chandler: Sure, I'll do it with ya. Monica: Okay. Rachel: Okay great, hold on a sec! (She runs to her room and returns carrying a huge bag of laundry.) Oh, here you go! You don't mind do ya? That would really help me out a lot! Thanks! Monica: I mean I-I don't I think I have enough quarters. Phoebe: I have quarters! (She holds up a bag of quarters.) Ross: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey Ross! Any word on the apartment yet? Ross: Well, I called over there and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself and he's already had like a hundred applicants. Rachel: Oh. Ross: No-no, I got the edge. I know it's not exactly ethical but I sent him a little bribe to tip the scales in my direction. Check it out, you can probably see it from the window. (They all head to the window.) Monica: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it? Ross: No. Chandler: That new mountain bike? Ross: No. Monica: Well what did you send? Ross: A basket of mini-muffins. Phoebe: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets. Which one did you send? Ross: The small one. Rachel: What?! You-you actually thought that basket was gonna get you the apartment? Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day. Chandler: Your work makes me sad. Ross: Oh man! I want that place so much!! I was so sure that was gonna work! There's twelve bucks I'll never see again! (Exits.) Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie. Monica: Bye! All: Bye! Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.) Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!! Monica: Actually, I did! Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me? Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us! Chandler: Are you serious? Monica: Phoebe knows and she's just trying to freak us out! That's the only explanation for it! Chandler: (a little hurt) Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps—She knows! Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is snoozing with Hugsy, his bedtime penguin pal and Chandler and Monica come storming in.] Chandler: (entering) Joey! (Joey quickly tries to hide Hugsy by throwing it over his head.) Joey: Yeah? Chandler: Phoebe knows about us! Joey: Well I didn't tell them! Monica: Them?! Who's them? Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey. Monica: Joey! Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell! Chandler: Oh man! Joey: I'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right? Because you can tell them that you know they know and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing! Monica: Unless… Joey: No! Not unless! Look this must end now! Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So… Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is looking at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment through binoculars.] Ross: Noooo. Rachel: Oh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself! Phoebe: Yeah, why don't you just find another apartment? Ross: Look I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none of them even compares to that one! Rachel: Y'know what you should do? Ross: Huh? Rachel: You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. Yeah! Like if I would strike up a conversation about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear. Joey: I'm listening. Rachel: (To Ross) See? Ross: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline. Phoebe: He broke that. Ross: Well, he had gravity boots. Rachel: Yeah, he broke those too. Joey: So he likes to break stuff. Ross: Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben but I-I will figure something out. (He opens the door and stops.) Hey, didn't he used to have a cat? Phoebe: I wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out. Joey: Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming. Ross: Right. (Exits.) (The phone rings and Rachel answers it.) Rachel: Hello! (Listens) Oh yeah! Hey! Hold on a second she's right here! (To Phoebe) It's Chandler. Phoebe: (in a sexy voice) Oh? (Takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello you. Chandler: Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day. (He's holding the phone so that Monica can hear it as well.) Phoebe: Eh? Chandler: Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued. Phoebe: Really? Chandler: Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more. Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more! Rachel: Are you kidding?! Phoebe: No! Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know? Joey: No. Rachel: Joey! Joey: They know you know. Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two! Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything! Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too. [Scene: Outside Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross is knocks on the door and Ugly Naked Guy answers it. He's ugly. He's naked. And he's holding a huge jumbo soda.] Ross: Good evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller. I'm one of the people who applied for the apartment. And I-I realize that the competition is fierce but—I'm sorry. I, I can't help but notice you're naked and (He claps his hands.) I applaud you. Man, I wish I was naked. I mean, this-this looks so great. That is how God intended it. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica and Rachel and Phoebe are planning their respective strategies to break the other pairing. Joey is not amused. Monica: (in the kitchen with Chandler) Look at them, they're-they're panicked! Chandler: Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back down! Monica: Oh yeah! [Cut to Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: All right. All right! If he wants a date? He's gonna get a date. All right, I'm gonna go in. Rachel: All right. Be sexy. Phoebe: (laughs) Please. (She saunters over to Chandler with a mean pair of 'Come hither' eyes and she glares at Monica.) Phoebe: So Chandler, I-I'd love to come by tonight. Chandler: (initially worried, but gets over it) Really? Phoebe: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven? Chandler: Yes. Phoebe: Good. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse. (As she walks away, Chandler mouths a scream to Monica. How motions and mouths, "It's okay, it's okay.") Joey: (looking out the window) Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend! (They all run over to the window.) Rachel: Oh yeah! (She gasps.) Oh my God! That is our friend! (Monica covers her face.) It's Naked Ross! (Monica turns and buries her face in Chandler's shoulder.) All: Yeah, it is! Naked Ross!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Phoebe ready for her date.] Rachel: Show time! Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume! Rachel: Okay! (She runs to get some.) Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? (He begrudgingly does so.) (In the meantime, Rachel has returned with the perfume and sprays a mist out in front of Phoebe who walks through the mist and does a little spin.) [Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Monica is getting Chandler ready for his half of the plan.] Monica: All right, it'll be great! You just make her think you wanna have sex with her! It'll totally freak her out! Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her? Monica: Relax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do! Chandler: How do you know?! Monica: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins! Chandler: At this?! Monica: Just go get some! (Kisses him.) Go! (She runs to hide in the bathroom.) [Cut to the hallway, Phoebe is outside getting some last minute instructions from Rachel.] Rachel: (handing her the wine) Okay honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from right here! Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Okay? Whoa, wait! (She undoes one button on Phoebe's dress.) Phoebe: Good idea! Rachel: Yeah, oh wait! (She goes for another one.) Phoebe: Oh now, don't give away the farm! (Phoebe knocks on the door with the wine and Chandler answers it. Rachel hides next to the door.) Chandler: Phoebe. Phoebe: Chandler. Chandler: Come on in. Phoebe: I was going too. (They go inside and he closes the door.) Umm, I brought some wine. Would you like some? Chandler: Sure. (She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork and pours the wine.) Phoebe: So, here we are. Nervous? Chandler: Me? No. You? Phoebe: No, I want this to happen. Chandler: So do I. (They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip turns into a gulp, which quickly progresses into their mutual draining of their glasses at once.) Chandler: I'm gonna put on some music. Phoebe: Maybe, maybe I'll dance for you. (She starts doing a rather suggestive and seductive dance that's silly at the same time.) Chandler: You look good. Phoebe: Thanks! Y'know, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off! Chandler: Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom? Phoebe: Really? Chandler: Oh, do you not want to? Phoebe: No. No! It's just y'know first, I wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me. Chandler: (swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion. [Cut to the bathroom, Chandler is entering.] Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her! Monica: She's bluffing! Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.) [Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.] Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion. Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair! Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open. Joey: Ooh! Rachel: Okay! Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.) Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons. Joey: It's not my first time. [Cut to the bathroom.] Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks! Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here? Monica: Of course. [Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.) Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going? Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra. Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the sex. Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now. Chandler: Not if I kiss you first. (They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.) Phoebe: Ooh. Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss. Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss. (They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.) Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya! Phoebe: And why not?! Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!! Phoebe: You're-you're what?! (Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.) Chandler: Love her! That's right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica. Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.) Phoebe: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love! Joey: Dude! Chandler: And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And might I say your breasts are still showing. Phoebe: God! (She turns and buttons up.) Joey: All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows! Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't. Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet. (Joey suddenly gets very angry.) Ending Credits [Scene: Ross's new apartment, he is showing his boss, Dr. Ledbetter his new place and new outlook on life.] Ross: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished. Dr. Ledbetter: I must say it's nice to see you back on your feet. Ross: Well I am that. And that whole rage thing is definitely behind me. Dr. Ledbetter: I wonder if its time for you to rejoin our team at the museum? Ross: Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to come back to work. I—What? (He notices something through the window.) No! Wh… What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x14 - The One Where Everyone Finds Out"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Adam Chase Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: The hallway, Ross is running up the stairs. Note: This show continues where the last one left off.] Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here! Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.) Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb. Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro? (Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.) Ross: What the hell are doing?!! Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?! Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica. Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there! Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this! Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her. Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too. (There's a brief pause.) Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs them both.) (To Joey and Rachel) You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news! Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while. (There's another pause as Ross gets angry again.) Ross: What? What? What?! You guys knew? (Joey and Rachel backup against the door.) You all knew and you didn't tell me?!! Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didn't know how you were going to react. (Pause.) Ross: (happily again) You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react? (He hugs them both.) Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? (Ross turns and glares at him.) Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he-he's the one doing your sister. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.] Ross: Hey, you know what I just realized? If you guys ever have kids… Chandler: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa! We're having kids?! Joey: (quickly) I call Godfather! Ross: You can't just call Godfather. Don't you think her brother should be Godfather? Joey: Sure, if you cared enough to call it first. Monica: Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us. Chandler: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps. Rachel: Oh! Oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you. Phoebe: Ooh, I'll go in on that with you! I couldn't think of anything. Rachel: Okay. (A girl enters.) Joey: (to her) Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is Katie. Katie: Hi! All: Hi! Joey: So, are you ready to go? Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom. Joey: Oh sure, right back there. (Points.) Katie: Hey, where are we going to lunch? Joey: I was thinking Chinese food. Katie: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I love Chinese?! (She hits him repeatedly as she says that.) (She heads to the bathroom and Joey sits back down.) Rachel: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket! Joey: I don't know. I mean I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but… Monica: But what? Joey: (shyly) She keeps punching me. (They all laugh.) Monica: In that cute, little, sweet way she just did? Joey: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks! Okay? (Quietly) She-she-she's hurting me. Monica: I know what you need, you need a bodyguard. Hey Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool? Chandler: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up. Rachel: Aww, Joey, come here. (She takes his hand.) Look honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you and I--Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you? [Scene: Ross's apartment, he's unpacking after moving in. There's a knock on the door and he answers it.] Ross: (opens it to reveal Phoebe) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! I brought you some house warming gifts. Ross: Aww. Phoebe: Yeah. Salt, so your life always has flavor. Ross: Huh. Phoebe: Bread, so you never go hungry. Ross: Ohh. Phoebe: And a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, y'know. Ross: Thanks. Thanks. And thanks again. Phoebe: Yeah! (The door across the hall opens and a guy walks into Ross's apartment.) Guy: Hi! Ross: Hi! Guy: Welcome to the building. I'm uh, Steve Sarah; I'm president of the tenants committee. Ross: Oh hi! Ross Geller. And this is my friend Phoebe. Steve: Oh hi Phoebe. Phoebe: Mr. President. Steve: I came to talk to you about Howard. Ross: Howard? Steve: Yeah, he's the handy man. He's gonna be retiring next week and everyone who lives here is kicking in a 100 bucks as a thank you for all the hard work type of thing. Ross: Oh that's nice. Steve: Yeah. So, do you want to give a check? Or… Ross: Oh. Uhh… Steve: Oh look, you don't have to give it too me right now! You can slip it under my door. (Points to his apartment across the hall.) Ross: No-no, it's not that, it's just… I-I just moved in. Steve: Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years. Ross: Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes. Steve: Oh, okay, I get it. (Starts to leave.) Ross: No wait, look. Look! I'm sorry, it's just I've never even met Howard. I-I mean I don't know Howard. Steve: Howard's the handy man! Ross: Yes but too me he's just, man. Steve: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the building. (Exits.) Ross: (To Phoebe) Ugh, can you believe that guy! Phoebe: Yeah. I really like his glasses. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is lamenting to Chandler and Rachel about his troubles in his new building.] Ross: …so then President Steve told everyone that I was a cheapskate, and now the whole building hates me! A little kid spit on my knee! Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna throw a party. That's right. For everyone in the building, and I'm gonna sit them down and explain to them, I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy! I'm just a guy who-who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles. Chandler: (To Rachel) Sounds like a fun party. Rachel: Hmm. Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you, why don't you just pay the hundred bucks? The party's gonna cost you way more than that. Ross: It doesn't matter! It's my principles! We're talking about my principles! Rachel: Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you. Ross: Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go get some nametags. (Exits.) Rachel: And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law. Chandler: Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I don't want you putting any ideas in her head. Rachel: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monica's head. Chandler: Wh-wh-why?! Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because you love her. Chandler: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?! Rachel: Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm telling you something you already know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. And she's a woman, and she's almost 30, and y'know it's Monica. Chandler: I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I’m right. I'm right. Am I right? Rachel: No, you're right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that makes everything different. Chandler: Okay. It's not different at all, is it? Rachel: Not unless different means the same. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is sitting on the couch with Katie.] Katie: You were so funny with that waiter! You're such a nut! (She slaps her thighs, Joey jerks, and spills some of his coffee.) Joey: (sets the coffee down) Y'know, breadstick fangs are always funny. Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the funny one! (She punches him again and he retreats to the arm of the couch.) Joey: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. Okay? Umm, look I like you. I-I really do, I like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but very real bat. Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size? Don't make fun of me because of my size! (She punches him again and almost knocks him off the arm of the couch.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Monica are curled up on one of the chairs.] Monica: Isn't this great? Chandler: Hmm. Monica: Couldn't you just stay like this forever? (His eyes snap open.) Chandler! Couldn't you just stay here forever? Chandler: Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know where-where ever. (Gets up.) Monica: Are you okay? Chandler: Yeah, I'm cool. Casual. Monica: What-what are you doing? Chandler: I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually. Monica: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going to do this!! Chandler: What?! Monica: Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff. Chandler: Well, you do want all that stuff, right? Monica: Oh and you know what I want! Chandler: Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever! Monica: I do not have baby fever! Chandler: Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything that's related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an idea, why don't we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?! Monica: Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this isn't about me! This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap! Chandler: Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head--in your head! Monica: You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And did you know that I can't even look at you right now?! (She storms out.) Chandler: Well, I did not know that. Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting advice from Ross and Joey.] Chandler: It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable. Ross and Joey: Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely. Chandler: By me? Ross: Oh, no! Joey: No-no. Ross: Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture. Joey: Yeah, big! (Monica enters.) Joey: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses. Monica: gn, can I get a coffee (Looks at Chandler) to go? Chandler: Monica. (Goes to talk to her.) Monica: I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you. Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right. Monica: What?! Chandler: Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again. Monica: Really? I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor. You're gonna have to figure this one for yourself. All right? Y'know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one. (She walks out.) (Chandler turns to watch her go and then sees Ross and Joey both with huge grimaces on their faces.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, he's having his party, only he's the only guest. He gets up and puts on a nametag that says Ross, but doesn't quite like it. So he takes it off and puts on one that says Dr. Geller and he puts the Ross one underneath the Dr. Geller one. Then as he turns off the music, we hear the party for Howard raging in the apartment across the hall.] Party Guests: (chanting) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (Ross goes to investigate the noise) Howard! Howard! Howard! (They're holding Howard above their heads.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (He sees Phoebe chanting along with them.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!! Ross: Phoebe! (He grabs her arm to get her attention.) Phoebe: Oh, hi Ross! Ross: What are you doing? Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out it’s a party for Howard. He's just the sweetest little man! (A guest walks up to her.) Guest #1: See ya Phoebe! Oh and hey, thanks for chipping in! Ross: You chipped in?! Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars. Ross: Phoebe! I can't believe you gave them money! I thought you agreed it was totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money! Phoebe: Yeah, but they didn't ask me! Y'know? This way I'm just y'know, the exotic, generous stranger. That's always fun to be. Ross: Yeah, but you're making me look bad! Phoebe: No I'm not. No! If anything I'm making you look better! They'll see you talking to me and that's--I'm a ht! Steve: (walking up) Oh hey, Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Steve: Oh hey, Ross. Umm, see, I was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments because Phoebe's more our kind of people. Something to think about. (Walks away.) (Ross turns and glares at Phoebe.) Phoebe: Yeah, okay, my bad. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is getting some coffee as Joey enters. He's looking a little puffy, but that's probably from the large number of different color sweaters he's wearing.] Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Wow! You look, you look…big. Joey: Thanks! I've been working out. Hey listen, is it obvious that I'm wearing six sweaters? Rachel: Uhhh, yeah. But it's not obvious why. Joey: Well look, I’m breaking up with Katie so I had to put on some extra padding. Y'know? I mean, if she hits me when she's happy, can you imagine how hard she's gonna ht me when I tell her I'm taking away the Joey love? Katie: (entering) Hi! Joey: Hey! Hiya! Rachel: Hey! Hey, cute jacket! Katie: Oh, thanks! That's so sweet! (She punches Rachel like she punched Joey.) Rachel: Oh! Ow! (Joey motions, "You see what I mean?!") Katie: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys, (Punches Joey) are too much! (Punches Rachel.) Rachel: Whoa! (Laughs) Y'know what Katie? I gotta tell ya I-I-I-I think you are the one who is too much. (She punches Katie back.) Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! (She punches Rachel.) Rachel: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend! (She retaliates.) Katie: You're so sweet! (Punches Rachel yet again.) Rachel: Ohh, you're so sweet! (She kicks Katie in the shin.) Katie: Oww!!!! Joey, she just kicked me. Joey: Huh. Katie: Well? Aren't you gonna do something? Joey: Uhh…. Katie: You'd better do something, or I'm gonna walk out that door right now! Well? Are you gonna? Joey: Nah. (She looks at Rachel and storms out. After she's left Joey hugs Rachel in thanks.) [Scene: Howard's party, Phoebe is talking Ross up to two more partygoers. Ross isn't happy about it.] Ross: (trying to get her attention) Phoebe? Phoebe: (ignoring him and continuing her conversation) That's what I'm saying. (Laughs.) Ross: (tapping her on the shoulder) Phoebe? Phoebe? Phoebe: Ooh. (Turns to him.) Ross: Look, this is a disaster! Can't I please just go? Phoebe: No! No! I'm talking you up to people. Just give it a little time, all right? Relax, get something to eat! Okay? (They go to the food table.) Ross: So uh, what did you tell them about me? Phoebe: Oh, I was telling them about you and Emily. Y'know, try to get some sympathy. Ross: Ohh. (He cuts himself a piece of cake.) Phoebe: But somehow you came off as the bad guy. Ross: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, I think I told it wrong. Y'know, we should talk about that because I don't totally understand what happened there. Ross: (trying a piece of cake) Ohh, this cake is really good! Phoebe: Oh, okay, see? Things are looking up already! Guest #2: (sees the cake) Oh my God! Someone cut Howard's cake! (Ross tries dumping it into a nearby plant.) Who would do a think like that? (Steve goes over to look at Ross who's trying to look cool, but has some frosting on his lip.) Steve: 3-B! All: Oh yeah, aww! Steve: Okay, you got your free food! You ruined everyone's fun! Don't you think it's time you went home?! Guest #3: Yeah, leave! All: Yeah, get out! Now! Steve: Go back to 3-B, 3-B! Phoebe: All right, everyone calm down! Everyone calm down! I have something that I would like to say! Who here likes Ross? (Ross is the only one who raises his hand and Phoebe glares at him to put his hand back down.) Of course you don't like him! He-he didn't give you any money, he raised his own hand when I asked, "Who hear likes Ross," and he's wearing two nametags! (He takes one off.) I-I'll be honest with you guys, when I first met Ross I didn't like him at all! But then once I got to know him I saw that he's really sweet and caring and very generous. I mean, all I'm saying is don't judge Ross before you get to know him all right? I mean, I like all you guys now, but when I first meet you y'know Kurt, I thought, y'know abrasive drunk, umm Lola, mind numbingly stupid! And okay, you guys (She turns to an elderly gentleman and a 20 something woman, who're a couple.) (To the girl) Gold-digger, (To the old guy) cradle robbing perv! So, I think you all know what I mean. [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross and Phoebe have been banished to Ross's place.] Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you could look like the hero. Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler comes running in. Everyone else is already there.] Chandler: Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here? Monica: (raising her hand) I'm Monica. Chandler: I need to talk to you, it's urgent! Monica: Okay. Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.) Monica: Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?! Chandler: (getting out a ring box) Monica… Monica: No-no, don't-don't-don't do it! Chandler: Will you marry me? (Phoebe hides her eyes in shame. Rachel is starring at them wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Joey and Ross are stunned to temporary silence.) Ross: Oh-no. No. No. Joey: What a bad idea! Rachel: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it! (She doesn't move.) Monica: Chandler, why are you doing this? Chandler: I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this. Monica: Chandler. Chandler: I'm doing this because I'm sorry? Monica: Do you umm, you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry? Chandler: No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife? Monica: (kneels with him) Chandler, umm, I want you to take just a minute and I want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds. Chandler: Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone wasn't here right now. Monica: Honey! Do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! I mean I never said I wanted to have babies and get married right now! Chandler: Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.) Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?! Ross: Hey! Joey: She's right y'know. Ross: Yeah, but still, cheap sht! Monica: Y'know what? Y'know when I said that I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own? Well, you're not ready for that. Chandler: I didn't think I was! (They hug.) Monica: Oh my God, what would have done if I said yes? Chandler: Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the door.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Everyone is there.] Joey: Hey Ross, will you pass me that Kn*fe? Ross: No, I will not! Joey: Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it. Ross: You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me? (They all laugh.) Phoebe: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week. Rachel: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. But I'm not sure, Chandler? Chandler: Okay, how long is this going to go on. Monica: Well I think the length of teasing is directly related to how insane you were so, a long time. Ross: This is fun. Hey Rach, remember that whole "We were on a break thing?" Well, I'm sorry, will you marry me? (Laughs--whines as he sees that no one is laughing. They're just staring at him in shock.) Chandler: That's not funny. Joey: That's not funny at all! (They all get up and leave.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x15 - The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey"}	foreverdreaming
Story by: Alicia Sky Varinaitis Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are sitting on one of the chairs doing a crossword puzzle.] Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey! Joey: What are you guys doing up? Chandler: Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red? Joey: (thinks) Dark red. Chandler: Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon? Monica: (checks to see if it works) Yes, you are so smart! (Kisses him.) Joey: Aww, you guys are so cute! Monica: I know. Joey: All right, I'll see you in the morning. Chandler and Monica: Okay. [Scene: Joey's bedroom, time lapse. He's asleep and dreaming. In his dream he's doing the crossword puzzle with…wait for it…Monica!] Dream Monica: Y'know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey! Dream Joey: Aww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed. Dream Monica: Okay! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but… Dream Joey: Cat. Dream Monica: Yes! You are so smart! (Kisses him.) I love you. Dream Joey: I love you too. (They hug.) [Cut back to Joey in bed, he's smiling, enjoying the dream as he wakes up. Suddenly, he realized what he was dreaming about and bolts upright in bed.] Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross and Joey. gn hands them the bill, and Chandler gives some money to pay it.] Rachel: (looking at the bill) Uhh, we still need a tip. Phoebe: All right. Hold on. (She starts digging in the chair.) I got it. Nickel! (Donates it.) How much more do we need? Rachel: A couple of bucks. Phoebe: Okay, dime! (Donates that.) You guys should probably keep talking; this could take a while. (Finds something else.) Oh no, wait! Look it! Whoa! (Looks at it.) Oh my God, this is a police badge! Monica: Wow! Chandler: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that. Rachel: Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge. Phoebe: Yeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year! (She crosses her fingers in hope.) Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: Hey Joey! Monica: Hey. Joey: (To Monica) Hey. That uh, that my sweatshirt? Monica: Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I hope its okay? Joey: Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends--and I’m not him. Monica: I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you. Joey: No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica! Monica: Are you saying I smell bad? Joey: No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the bathroom.) Monica: What's with him? Chandler: Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was sht by a hunter. [Scene: A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on a new couch for his place. He has dragged Rachel along for the trip, and she's not too happy about it. Ross is sitting on it in different ways to see how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally, and then he tries flopping on it. One thing about this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a normal full size couch. Whoever designed this thing, needs help and fast.] Rachel: (disgusted at Ross's antics) Ugh! Ross: (To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To the salesman who is hovering nearby) I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch that says, "Kids welcome here." But that also says, (In a sexy voice) "Come here to me!" Rachel: What?! You say that to kids?!! Ross: No! No! No! The "Come here to me" is y'know for the ladies. Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch. The Salesman: You picked a great couch. Ross: Yeah? The Salesman: Yeah. Could you just sign right here please? (Hands him a clipboard.) Ross: Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch! Rachel: Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away! Ross: Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! (He signs the form and hands it back to the salesman.) All right Rach, let's go! (He picks up one end of the couch.) Rachel: Yeah! (She puts on her coat and turns around and sees Ross is expecting her to help.) (Laughing.) Are you kiddin'? Ross: Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come on! Rachel: (Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick up the couch. Much to her amazement, she is successful.) Oh. Oh! I can do it! Ross: Yeah! The Salesman: You two are really gonna enjoy that couch. Ross: Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. (He starts backing out of the store.) The Salesman: Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a wall.) Rachel: Ross! Ross: What's that supposed to mean? Rachel: Ross! The Salesman: Well you, her, I mean, she's very…y'know. And you're like…y'know. Ross: Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out. The Salesman: Really? You two? Ross: Yeah! Rach? Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch. Ross: Then tell him quickly. Rachel: (To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We went out. Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times! Rachel: Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser! Ross: A loser you did it with (To the salesman) 298 times! (Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out the door.) [Scene: Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is exiting and sees a woman put out her cigarette on a tree.] Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am? The Smoking Woman: Yes? Phoebe: You can't put your cigarette out on a tree! The Smoking Woman: Yeah I can, it worked real well. Phoebe: No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again. The Smoking Woman: I won't! (Turns away) Until I have my next cigarette. Phoebe: Hold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk! The Smoking Woman: What?! Phoebe: Yeah that's right you are so busted. (To no one in particular.) Book 'em. The Smoking Woman: Who are you talking too? Phoebe: Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree. The Smoking Woman: I am not going to apologize to a tree! Phoebe: You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!! The Smoking Woman: I-I'm sorry! Sorry. Phoebe: Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup! [Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs.] Ross: Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.) Rachel: Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here? Ross: Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go. (They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards and reaches the first landing. This staircase has three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree turn, and has more steps before another landing and another 90-degree turn.) Ross: Okay, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of the couch is hitting the railing.) Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left! Ross: Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head! You can do it! You can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the first turn.) Okay. You got it? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Good-good-good. Rachel: Oh-oh! (She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the turn so she shifts to the back corner of the couch and is at a 90-degree angle to it.) Ross: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it? (She don't got it as the couch slips out of their grips and falls over the bottom railing.) Rachel: Any chance you think the couch looks good there? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found.] Phoebe: …so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide. (Flashes the badge.) It was just so cool! Monica: (cooking something) Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back! Phoebe: I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds. Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested. Phoebe: You could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for the door just as Joey enters.) Phoebe: (To Joey) Hey. Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's there.) Oh. Chandler: Hi, Joe. Joey: Yeah, I didn’t know you guys were going to be here. Monica: Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. (Holds out a spoon for him.) Joey: (backing away) What?! Why?! Monica: What is going on with you? Joey: Nothing! Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day! Joey: All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, (pause) but I don't want to talk about it. (Starts for his room.) Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I don’t want to talk about it. Joey: Well, it involved Monica. Chandler: You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.) Joey: Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that since I found out about you two--ish. Monica: What was the dream about? Joey: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out. Monica: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn’t mean that-that you're in love with me! Joey: It-it doesn’t? Monica: No! Chandler: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud. Joey: That kinda sounds like your dream dude. Monica: Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too. Joey: In the dream I did enjoy the closeness. Monica: Um-hmm. Chandler: Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her? Joey: (looks at her) Not really. Chandler: Well there you have it! Monica: Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! (Looking at Chandler and slowly realizing what his point is.) But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend! Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have? Chandler: Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it? Joey: Friends first? That's interesting. Monica: You become friends after? Joey: No, never done that either. Rachel: (entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure? Chandler: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom. (Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.) Monica: (laughing) That's right. (They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.) Rachel: (noticing him) What's up Joey? Joey: (in a sexy voice) How you doin'? (Rachel is stunned.) Commercial Break [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking up and notices a car that is parked half on the curb and right in front of the door, making it difficult for people to enter Central Perk.] Phoebe: Excuse me, is this your car? Guy: Yeah. Phoebe: Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're blocking the entrance. Guy: Don't worry about it. It's not a problem. Phoebe: Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.) Guy: (he reaches into the car and slams his siren on the roof.) So am I! Phoebe: Ohh, no. (Pause) Oh okay, so you're a cop which means you can park anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work. 10-4. (Tries to leave.) Cop: (stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with? Phoebe: I-I'm with the umm, the 57th. Cop: Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there. Phoebe: I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore. Cop: Who-who else is in vice up there? Phoebe: Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz? Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so. Phoebe: Yeah, big guy, kinda bald. Cop: No, I don't know him. Phoebe: (starts to walk away, but stops) Don’t try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died. Cop: Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss. Phoebe: I-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking off.) Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge? Phoebe: Oh. (She starts laughing. Then she throws the badge at him and runs away.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering. Rachel is there getting some tools to help Ross out.] Rachel: Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch? Joey: Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can blow that off, (In a sexy voice) for you. (He starts staring at her longingly.) Rachel: Thanks! Joey: Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight. Rachel: I know. Joey: Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm thinking of getting me one of those. Rachel: What's up Joe? Joey: Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great… Rachel: Yeah? Joey: …is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So… Rachel: (laughing) What are you saying? Joey: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch. Rachel: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up. Joey: I'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for her.) Rachel: (laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm… No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't ht on your existing friends! Joey: Won't-won't that take longer? Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait. Joey: Yeah. I understand. I understand. (Pause) Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first! [Scene: The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, and he's practicing enticing women to join him on the couch.] Ross: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me. Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements. Ross: Oh great! What, you brought Joey? Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing. Chandler: (entering) Hey! Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica! Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so… Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.) Rachel: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.) Ross: Oh, that's me. Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself. Ross: No! That's-that's my arm! Chandler: (looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch. Ross: Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead. (Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.) Rachel: Okay! Chandler: Okay. Ross: Come on, Chandler. (They pick up the couch and after throwing off the last pillow; Rachel helps out on Chandler's end.) Ross: All right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is first.) Okay, here we go! (Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first set of stairs.) Ross: All right, ready? Chandler: Yeah. Ross: Turn. Chandler: (straining) Okay. Ross: Turn! Turn! (As they turn the couch, Chandler gets sandwiched between the railing and the couch.) Chandler: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore! Rachel: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit. Ross: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et! Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!! (They set the couch down.) Ross: Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore. Chandler and Rachel: You think?! Ross: All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again. (As they start back down the couch drops a little bit and gets jammed. They try to free it to no avail.) Chandler: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now. Ross: I can't believe that didn't work! Rachel: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch! Chandler: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.] Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends? Joey: Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for his room.) Chandler: (stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like? Joey: Uhh, well, she's…really good in bed. Monica: Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first! Joey: (To Rachel) Well look, hey, it's all your fault! Rachel: What?! Why?! Joey: Well because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pickup line! As soon as I told her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! (Pause) And her roommate! Monica: What about the closeness? Joey: Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there.] Joey: (entering) All right! Hey, who wants pizza?! Chandler: Ooh, I do! I do! I do! (They all walk over to get a slice.) Joey: (taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor? (They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.) Monica: Who is it? Voice: N.Y.P.D!! Phoebe and Joey: Oh my God! Joey: Uhh, just a minute officer!! (He throws his piece back in the box, runs into the living room, looks for a place to hide the pizza, finds one, slides the box under the couch, sits down on the table, and tries to quickly chew the food in his mouth.) Cop: I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay! Phoebe: Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me! Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?! Phoebe: Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you (Points at all of them) with me. (They all look at her.) Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum. Good luck Chandler. (She opens the door to the cop from before.) Okay, you can arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and you know it! Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right? Phoebe: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool! Cop: I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here. Phoebe: I would love it if I weren't here! Cop: Okay, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me? Phoebe: Me?! Cop: Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen. Chandler and Joey: Nice! Phoebe: Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out! Cop: Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me. Phoebe: Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer… Cop: Gary. Phoebe: Gary. Gary: Okay, so it's a date. Phoebe: Yeah! So--ooh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find me? Gary: Well you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out. Phoebe: Ohh, impressive. Gary: Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff. Phoebe: Yeah, we'll talk at dinner. Gary: Okay. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up? Phoebe: All right, I can't wait! Gary: Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts. (Chandler busts out laughing and everyone just looks at him.) Chandler: (To Rachel) He has a gn! Closing Credits [Scene: The couch store, Ross is talking to a saleswoman.] Ross: I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it. [The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.] The Saleswoman: You wanna return this couch? (Ross nods yes.) It's cut in half! Ross: That's what I'm telling you. The Saleswoman: Did you cut this couch in half? Ross: This couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half! The Saleswoman: You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?! Ross: Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit. The Saleswoman: I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars. Ross: (thinks) I take it. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x16 - The One With A Cop"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters, happily.] Rachel: Good, you guys are all here! Ross: Hey! What's up? Rachel: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow! All: Congratulations! Ohh, that's great! Rachel: I know! Joey: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks! Rachel: Wh-what?! Joey: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for excess anything in there. Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me! Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it! Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: You wanna work on your interview skills? Rachel: O-okay! Phoebe: Okay! All right, let's start with the handshake. Hi. Rachel: Hi. (They shake hands.) Phoebe: Very good handshake, good wrist action. Monica: Let me try. (Gets up to join them.) Phoebe: Okay. (They shake hands and she pulls away suddenly) Oh my God! What did I ever do to you?! (Rubbing her hand.) Monica: Did I squeeze it too hard? Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler. (Chandler tries to comprehend that remark.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the window waving at Ross.] Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see me! Same as yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before. Monica: Is he doing his shark attck bit yet? Joey: Nope. Op, wait! There he goes. (We see Ross through the window and he acts like a swimmer that gets attcked by a shark, picture one of the many, many, many Jaws movies they made and you get the idea.) Joey: (waving) Very funny Ross! Very life-like and funny. Okay. (Notices that a woman is waving back.) Oh no-no-no, I wasn't waving at you lady. (She just stares at him.) (Joey sees how beautiful she is.) Whoa, maybe I was! Hey, Monica, this totally hot girl in Ross's building is flirting with me. Monica: Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up! Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns back to the woman.) Okay, here goes. (Thinks.) How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you (Points at her) a-doin'? (Does a little twisting motion with both hands and ends up pointing at her, he then winks. She smiles and waves again.) (To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over. (Towards the woman.) Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor… Monica: (joining him) Wow! She is pretty, huh? Joey: Tell me about it, huh? (Realizes that she can see Monica.) Oh no-no-no, I'm not with her, she's just Monica! (He pantomimes that out.) Ewwuck! (He pushes Monica away and makes a disgusted face.) [Scene: Ross's Building, Joey is trying to find the hot girl's apartment. So he's walking up the hallway counting doors. He comes to what he thinks is the right one and knocks on it. Ross opens the door, it's his apartment.] Ross: Hey Joey! Great stuff huh? Joey: This is your place? Ross: Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-ooh, go by the window you can pretend to be surfing. (He pretends he's surfing by the window.) Joey: But I counted, you're not supposed to live here! Oh man! (Runs away.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering again.] Joey: Ugh!! Monica: What happened? Joey: I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta missed counted or something. (Looks out the window.) Damn! She's not there anymore. Oh, l-l-look, Ross is doing his 'Watching TV' bit. (We see Ross sitting on the couch and flipping through the channels on his remote.) Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV. (It's only when the camera cuts to Ross's apartment that we see that the TV is turned off and Ross is indeed doing a bit. He then tries to hide his smirk.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day, Gary is kissing Phoebe good-bye.] Gary's Radio: We've lost visual contact with the suspect. Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go! Phoebe: But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause some guy sht at a store clerk. Gary: I know, but it's my job, sweethart! Phoebe: Okay, then maybe I can come too! Gary's Radio: Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer. Phoebe: All right, you go. (They kiss.) Gary: Bye-bye. Phoebe: 'Kay, bye! (Gary closes the door behind him.) Phoebe: Oh God! Monica: What? Phoebe: Oh I just miss him so much! Monica: Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh? Phoebe: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shts bad guys. Ohh, I just love beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each other. Monica: I know it is the best. Phoebe: So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler? Monica: What? It's still going on. Phoebe: Come on, seriously! When did it end? Monica: I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time. Phoebe: Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious. Monica: (Start annoying hyper-competitive mode now.) (Jumping up) What don't you just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why don’t you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!! Phoebe: (Under her breath) God, I woke the beast. Sorry. (To Monica) I was wrong obviously, I just—I misspoke. It's okay. Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fre! Chandler: (entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back. Monica: You are so cute. (She goes over and kisses him passionately.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel returns from her interview.] Chandler: Oh hey, how'd the interview go? Rachel: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing! Joey: Did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall right out of your chair? Rachel: No! Chandler: So what happened? Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets!" (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey are not amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh! Joey: What happened? Rachel: (We see a flashback as Rachel describes what happened.) All right, we were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me… Y'know maybe he was going to open the door, but I totally miss read him and I uhhh… (The flashback shows that she kissed him on the cheek.) Joey: You kissed him?! Rachel: Well, I didn't know what else to do! Chandler: Well you coulda tried, not kissing him. Rachel: Thanks Chandler. Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview! Rachel: I can't believe it! I got a second interview! Monica: Yes! Joey: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it? Rachel: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back? Joey: Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No? Monica: A kiss? What are you talking about? Rachel: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back y'know of course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!" Chandler: Come on, Rach. Rachel: Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just sleep with him? Monica: He probably wants you back because you're right for the job. Rachel: Maybe. I-I don't know—Oh God, how could I be so stupid?! Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. (She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.) She's back! Hot girl's back! Rachel: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you. Joey: No, in Ross's building! (He throws Rachel onto the chair and heads to the window.) She's back! She's back! (Pantomimes) Okay, wait there, I'll be over in a second. (He counts where she is again.) Got it! (Runs out and does a little hot over a chair.) Chandler: I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and kisses her.) [Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a door again. It's again answered by Ross.] Joey: Damnit!! Did you move?! Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. (Joey just stares at him) I'm Ross. (Joey makes a frustrated face and noise and walks away. He knocks on the next door and it's answered by an old man.) The Old Man: Yes? Joey: (Looking around) Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there? The Old Man: No. I'm all alone. Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away and knocks on the next door which is answered by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl? The Little Girl: Daddy!! Joey: Later! (He runs away down the hall and hides behind a corner to a whole other corridor.) Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!! [Scene: Rachel's job interview, she is waiting outside Mr. Zelner's (the interviewer) office banging her pen between her teeth.] Mr. Zelner: Hi Rachel! Rachel: Hi! Mr. Zelner: Come on in. (They go inside.) Mr. Zelner: It's really nice to see you again. Rachel: Thank you. Mr. Zelner: (Sees that she has some ink on her lip from her pen.) Oh Rachel, uhh… (He points to his lip to get her to notice the ink on hers.) Rachel: What? Mr. Zelner: Just ah… (He points again.) Rachel: Excuse me? Mr. Zelner: Here let me… (He goes to wipe it off himself.) Rachel: (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I (He tries to interrupt and tell her about the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir. (She storms out of his office.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from her interview attempt.] Rachel: (entering) Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too me! (Joey, Monica, and Ross all point to their lips to get Rachel to once again notice the ink on her lip.) Rachel: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did you know that? Ross: You got ink on your lip. Rachel: Oh. (Realizes.) Ohhhhhhhhh…. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Gary and Chandler and Monica are all there.] Chandler: (To Gary) So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gn? Gary: I don't know man, we're really not supposed to do that. Chandler: Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you… (He gestures and spills some of his coffee.) Gary: Yeah, I'm gonna say no. Monica: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight? Phoebe: Oh we can't, we already have plans. Monica: What are you doing? Phoebe: Well, same thing we did all day, hang out at Gary's apartment. He is so amazing, we never left the bedroom. But have fun at the movie. Monica: (That annoying competitiveness thing kicks in again, what the heck is that with her and why must the writers show it every flippin' episode?!) Oh, we're not seeing a movie! Phoebe: You're not? Then why did you ask us if we wanted to go? Monica: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second? Phoebe: Yeah! Monica: Okay. (She gets up and walks over to Chandler.) Chandler? Can I see you for a second? Chandler: Uh, yeah. Monica: Okay. (They walk away to get some privacy.) We have got to bat them! {Here we go yet again.} Chandler: Why? Monica: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are! Chandler: Ohh, so? Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them wrong! Chandler: Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat. Commercial Break [Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a flyer that is on the bulletin board that reads, "Are you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me a call!" and it's signed, Joey 629-9** (The last couple of numbers have been ripped off). Anyhoo, Ross is getting his mail.] Ross: (to the woman checking her mail next to him) Hey! (A man walks up.) The Man: (To Ross) Excuse me. (He puts up a flyer that has a sketch drawing of Joey and it reads, "Warning! Intruder! If you see this creep - call the cops!") You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking for some kind of a hot girl. Ross: (to the woman checking her mail) Who isn't? (For the first time we see that the woman Ross is talking too is in fact the hot girl that Joey is looking for. She just kinda stares at him.) Ross: I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm Ross. The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman. Ross: Nevermind! (Goes back to his mailbox.) The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I mean you had just moved in. Ross: I had just moved in. Thank you! Listen umm… The Hot Girl: Jen. Ross: Jen, I know this may sound a little…(makes some kind of crazy noise) But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or… Jen: Sure! That would be nice. Ross: Umm? Jen: Oh! My number is on there. (Hands him a business card.) Give me a call. Ross: I will give you a call. Jen: I'll see you later. (Starts to walk away.) Ross: Okay! (After she's left, Ross gets really happy and starts kissing the card. Suddenly, she returns.) Jen: I forgot my paper. (Ross quickly hides the card in his mouth.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, a post-coital Monica and Chandler are recovering on the couch.] Chandler: That was amazing! Monica: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner. Chandler: That was amazing. Monica: We are the hottest! Huh? No one is hotter than we are! You're the best. Chandler: No, you're the best. Monica: No, you're the best. Chandler: No, you're the best. Monica: I am the best. (Just as they start to get up, Joey walks in.) Joey: (entering) Hey guys! (Sees their state of undress) What 'cha been doin'? (Has a silly grin.) Monica: (looking out the window) Hey Joey! Isn't that the girl that waved at you the other day? Joey: I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. (He looks out the window.) Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her anyway. Monica: Why? Joey: Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of hot girl parallel universe, or something. Monica: What are you talking about? (Pointing out the window.) She obviously lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left! Joey: No. No. No. She lives on the third floor, eighth apartment from the left. Monica: No, those first two windows, (Points) that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong. Joey: I did not know that! Thank you Monica. (Starts to leave) I can't believe I almost lost another girl because of counting. [Scene: Jen's apartment, Ross is picking her up for their date.] Ross: So uhh, you ready? Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. (There's a knock on the door.) Could you get that? Ross: Sure. (He opens the door to Joey. Needless to say, Joey's stunned.) Joey… Joey: Dahhhhh!! (Ross has a puzzled look on his face.) No! Noooo!! (Storms off.) [Scene: Mr. Zelner's office, Rachel has come back again to try and do that second interview.] Rachel: Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again. Mr. Zelner: That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this meeting is being videotaped. Rachel: (looks around for the camera) Okay. Umm, well, first I would like to start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you. Mr. Zelner: Fair enough. Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, (She puts her hands on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then doesn't know where to put her hands.) who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage. When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly realizes that she said courage twice.) Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. {By the way, litigious means to want to litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she didn't want to sue him. Don't worry, I had to look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got (counts them off with her fingers) courage, you got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr… Mr. Zelner: Zelner. Rachel: Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really, really want this job and I think, I think I would be really good at it. Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a sh*t. Rachel: (gasps) Oh! You are? Mr. Zelner: Um-hmm. Rachel: Really? Oh thank you! Oh… Oh, would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug? Mr. Zelner: Yes! Rachel: Okay, well then how about a handshake? (She goes to shake his hand but misses and touches his groin.) Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to touch that—I mean you there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so—Hey! I'll see you Monday! (Exits.) [Scene: A restaurant, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Gary are on a double date. Chandler is yawning.] Phoebe: You tired Chandler? Monica: You better believe he's tired, after the day we had! If you know what I mean. You know what I mean? Chandler: Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean. Gary: So uh Chandler, you like that badge I got you? Chandler: Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his coat and has it pinned to the lining.) Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly) That's pee-pee. (Heads for the bathroom.) Monica: Phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair. Phoebe: Ohh, (laughs) umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here. Gary: Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and no one was around, so… Monica: You didn't! Phoebe: We did! We violated Section 12 Paragraph 7 of the criminal code! Monica: The park huh? A public place. Gary: Uh-huh. Monica: I hear ya. Excuse me for just a second! (Gets up and heads for the bathroom as that annoying Gotta-win-at-all-costs-super-competitive thing kicks in again.) [Cut to the Men's room. Chandler is practicing flashing his badge as Monica enters.] Monica: Hi Chandler. Chandler: Monica! This is the Men's room! (Pause) Isn't it? Monica: Yes it is. You see I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you? Chandler: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous! Monica: Come on, we can't let them win! Chandler: Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?! Monica: Because Phoebe and Gary are in that-can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase! Chandler: (gasps) So? Monica: I feel really sad that we're not…really there anymore. Chandler: Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about? Monica: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other all the time? Chandler: Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.) Monica: That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way. Chandler: Yeah? Monica: Yeah. (They hug.) Chandler: Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship. Monica: Did not. Chandler: Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out! Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little. Chandler: Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back. Ending Credits [Scene: Looking through Ross's window, he's doing more pantomimes. The first one is he's walking a dog that has stopped, then suddenly tugs him forward.] [Cut to the inside of Monica and Rachel's apartment, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.] Rachel: (laughs) I cannot believe Ross is buying this! Monica: Thank God! I can't watch him anymore! Chandler: (entering) You guys ready fore the movies? Rachel: Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine. (We see through the big window from the outside and see that Monica and Rachel have pictures of their faces pasted onto cardboard cutouts of Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth wearing their Baywatch swimsuits.) Ross: (from his apartment) Man! They cannot get enough! (Makes like he's a robot and waves at the cutouts.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x17 - The One With Rachel's Inappropriate Kiss"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Michael Curtis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Joey is holding a deck of cards out to Chandler.] Joey: Okay, pick a card. Chandler: Okay. (He picks the 9 of Spades) Joey: All right now, memorize it. (Pause) You got it? Chandler: Oh yes. Joey: (holding up the Queen of Clubs) Is that your card? (He winks and smiles.) Chandler: (pause) Yes. (Joey laughs then realizes the trick didn't work when Chandler hands him his card back.) Carol: (entering with Ben and Ross) Hey guys! Ross: Hi! Chandler: Hi there! Ben: Hi!! Carol: Guess what? Ben is going to be in a TV commercial! Phoebe: What are you talking about?! Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning. Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition. Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings… Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?! Chandler: That. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating breakfast, Ross is heading for the bathroom.] Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, gotta go! Wish me luck! Joey: Luck! Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts? Rachel: Uh well, y'know what? I don't think if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day… Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work, interesting. Monica: Besides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me. Rachel: Okay guys, way to wish me luck! All: Good luck! Go get 'em! (Rachel exits.) Phoebe: Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend. Joey: Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for another month. Phoebe: Yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise. Monica: I think it's a great idea. Yeah, we could have a dinner party and just invite her close friends. Joey: Ross!! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!! Ross: (from the bathroom) Okay!! Joey: Done. Phoebe: Okay, great so do you want to do it together? Monica: I would love to do it together! (Joey starts to giggle.) Joey: They're gonna do it together. Chandler: Dude! That's my girlfriend! Joey: What, so I gotta shut it down now? Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben then we're off to the big audition. Monica: It's gonna be weird to watch some actor pretending to be Ben's dad. Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.) Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the commercial? Ross: Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it. Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather. Ross: You're not his godfather. Joey: What?! Are you kidding?! Ross: (Pause) Of course I am! (Joey is relieved) Okay, let's go godfather. Joey: All right! (As they walk out he motions to Chandler that he is still Ben's godfather.) [Scene: Ben's audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben along with about 10 more families are in a waiting room as Joey enters happily.] Joey: Hey! I'm in, they're gonna let me audition! Ross: Really? That's great! Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her… Carol: (noticing a kid who has picked up a copy of Variety to read) Hey, that kid looks familiar. Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad…. Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.) Joey: That's great. Listen, wouldn't it be great though if I got to play Ben's dad? Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben. Joey: I look more like him than you do! (He winks at Carol.) Carol: Y'know, I don't really know you well enough for you to do that. [Scene: Rachel's new job, she's in her new boss's office (Kim's) and with the other assistant (Nancy). Together they're deciding what clothes to buy or something, who knows, let's all watch/read to find out.] Kim: So it's down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think? Rachel: Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric (On the other one.) Sorry. Kim: Oh don't be sorry, that's part of your job here to give your opinions and then I take credit for them--I'm kidding. Nancy: She is kidding, but don't ever disagree with her again. Okay, now I'm kidding! Rachel: (laughing nervously) Oh, what a fun office. Kim: I don't know which one, but I do know I need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back? (They all get up to leave.) Kim: (at the door) Rachel? Do you smoke? Rachel: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories…(stops and tries to change directions)…about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is telling Chandler and Monica about her day.] Rachel: …and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me! Monica: That doesn't seem fair. Rachel: I know! It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit! Chandler: Yeah, it is the best. Rachel: I mean what if this keeps happening? Y'know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air, y'know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson? Monica: Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke. Just say you wanna get some fresh air. Rachel: Yeah, I can do that. Chandler: Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke. Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee? Rachel: I would love to! Phoebe: Oh good! Chandler: Yeah, I wanna go to babe. Phoebe: Oh good. (They all start out.) Phoebe: Oh wait, I change my mind! (She slams the door on them.) Okay, let's talk about the party! I have so many ideas! (Holds up a cocktail napkin.) Monica: Yeah, me too! (Runs and grabs her 3-ring binder of ideas.) Phoebe: Oh, look at that. Monica: All right, that's a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus, umm y'know what I thought we would start out with Tuscan style finger food, and for music, here's an alphabetized list of all my CDs! I've highlighted the ones that would go really good with the food. Phoebe: What happened to the intimate dinner party? Monica: Oh, we're not doing that. Okay… Phoebe: So wow, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host. Monica: What?! I didn't take care of everything, there's-there's plenty of things for you to do! Phoebe: Like what? Monica: (Thinks) Cups. Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups? Monica: And ice! Phoebe: Cups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? (Thinks of something) All right. Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice! Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant… Phoebe: I got it! Mine! Ross: (entering, downtrodden) Hi. Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go?! Ross: Not so good. Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's (sadly) "Audition didn't go so well. (Happily) Yeah it did?" Ross: (Pause) Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition! Joey: (also downtrodden) Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback. Monica: You got a callback too didn't you? Joey: (Happily) Yeah I did! [Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel is out to join Kim and Nancy.] Kim: Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here? Rachel: Oh well, it's kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air. Kim: Nancy and I were talking about the fall collection. Rachel: Oh great! Kim: So anyway we really… (Someone exhales and Rachel turns and coughs.) Honey, we're just smoking all over you. Nancy: Oh, sorry! Rachel: Oh that's okay. Kim: No-no-no, we'll move you just stay right there. (They walk away.) Nancy: So anyway I sent the designs over to Ralph and he's very excited about the line. Kim: Oh that's great! You are the best! (Rachel gets fed up and heads over to another smoker.) Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? (He holds up his pack.) Y'know what, actually… (She takes the one he's smoking and heads over to where Nancy and Kim are standing and laughing.) Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here? Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke. Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time. Kim: We get high. Rachel: Oh, me too. Kim: I'm kidding. Rachel: (Laughs) Oh, me too. [Scene: Ben and Joey's (Isn't that an ice cream??) callback.] Ross: Oh God, this is so nerve wracking! How-how do you do this? Joey: Well, unfortunately, I don't get many callbacks so… Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition? Joey: Who knows? The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much. Ross: Yes!! I knew it!! (To the people who didn't make it.) Bye-bye! So long! Later! Joey: Oh this is great! I might actually get to play Ben's dad! Ross: Yeah! The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.) Joey: Man, this is gonna be kinda weird. Ross: Yeah, it is. Kyle: Yeah. It's gonna be weird. Ross: No, we-we're gonna be like best friends, that's why it's gonna be weird. Kyle: Oh, oh, I thought we were just talking. Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are talking.] Phoebe: (entering, carrying two garbage bags) Hey! Ross and Chandler: Hi! Phoebe: Is it okay if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party? Chandler: Ah sure. What's in 'em? Phoebe: Umm, cups. Chandler: Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water. Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups. Phoebe: Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice. Chandler: Y'know I rued the day once…didn't get a whole lot else done. Phoebe: Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups. (She goes and opens the door to Joey.) Oh, hi Joey! Joey: Hey Pheebs! (To the guys) Hey! Ross: Hey! Joey: Ross good, I'm uh glad you're here. I wanna talk to you about something. Ross: What's up? Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition. Ross: Wow, uh, Joey that's-that's great. Thanks man. Joey: That's it? You're-you're gonna let me do this?! This-this is my career we're talking about here! Ross: Well, you just… Joey: I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it! Look Ross, if anyone should step aside it should be Ben! Ross: What?! Joey: What? Chandler! Tell 'em! Chandler: (shocked) Well I mean, let me get the door first. (Goes and opens the door.) Oh, hi! No one. (Exits.) Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad. Joey: At least I care about his feelings! Ross: What?! Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn’t get it? Ross: And why wouldn't he get it? Joey: Oh, come on! Have you seen what my kid can do?! Huh?! I mean he dials phones! He-he-he eats tortilla chips! He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger! Ross: Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid? Joey: You just give him a spoon baby! Ross: Oh yeah? I guess we'll just see! Joey: Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch! Ross: You're kid's name is Raymond! Joey: Yeah?! So's yours! [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there as Rachel enters.] Monica: (To Rachel) How did work go? Rachel: Oh it was great! It was great! I went down there just like you said, y'know? And we talked business. Kim totally took my opinions. Monica: You stink! Rachel: Thanks! Monica: No, I'm-I'm serious! Rachel: Well-well that's 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success. Chandler: Okay, there's something different though--Oh my God! You smoked! Rachel: I did not! Chandler: Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked! Rachel: All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do it for my career! Chandler: I wish I had smoked for my career… Monica: That's so gross! Rachel: No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up. Chandler: Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good! Monica: Chandler! I have to tell you, you smell so smokey I have to get up. I'm not kidding. (She's not; she stands and walks away. Chandler moves closer.) Chandler: I think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.) [Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel, Kim, and Nancy are all puffing away on their cancer sticks.] Kim: So, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink? Nancy: Absolutely! Rachel: I am so on board! (She throws away her recently lit cigarette.) Kim: Rachel didn't you just light that? Rachel: Yeah, I did, but y'know what? I am really, really trying to cut back, y'know? (Laughs) Good luck, Rach. Nancy: I've actually been thinking about quitting lately. Kim: Oh sure, every Sunday night I'm telling myself I'm quitting but every Monday morning it's like (Mimics chain smoking.) Nancy: Tell me about it! Rachel: Well then let's just quit! We'll just quit! Let's all quit! Kim: It does sound appealing. Nancy: Oh, I never could do it. Rachel: Oh but you could. You can. Absolutely! We can help each other out! We can get--what are those--those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters! Kim: Oh y'know, we really should quit. Okay, let's quit! Rachel: Yes! Great! Give me those cigs! Give it! Give it! (She grabs their cigarettes and lighters and throws them in the trash.) Kim: My late husband gave me that lighter. (Rachel laughs.) I'm not kidding. Rachel: Okay then! (She starts rummaging through the trash to find Kim's lighter.) [Scene: Joey and Ben's audition, Joey is rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is rehearsing his line.] Joey: Hmmm, soup! (Tries again.) Hmm soup! (Tries again, with a little caveman thrown in.) Hmm, soup! Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies' room? Joey: Oh yeah, no problem. Carol: Thanks. (Exits.) Joey: (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No s*ab. One day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle. Ross: (entering, angrily) Joey! Joey: (angrily) Ross! Ross: (angrily) Ben! (Pause.) (Happily.) I mean, Ben! Ben! The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up. (Raymond and Joey go in the office.) Joey: Hi! The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.) Joey: Uh-oh. The Casting Director: Is there a problem? Joey: Well this is noodle soup and uh, I've been working with tomato. But that's okay, no problem. No problem. Hmm, noodle soup. The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup." Joey: Oh, what did I say? The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup. Joey: How's that different? (She looks at him until he gets it.) Oh! Yeah! The Casting Director: All right, let's try one. (Raymond and Joey both eat a spoonful and Joey turns to Raymond and says…) Joey: Hmm, noodle soup. The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again. Joey: Okay. (They do it again.) Joey: Hmm, soup. (Pause.) I mean, noodle soup. I mean soup! Raymond: COME ON!!!! The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on. Joey: No! No! I-I can do it one more time! See? Look! (Eats another spoonful) Hmm, noodle soup. Damnit! (Storms out.) [Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are cheating and are caught by Rachel.] Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey-hey!! Kim: Uh-oh, busted! Rachel: Come on you guys! What are doing?! I thought we were the patch sisters! Kim: Yeah. That didn't work out. Nancy: Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too hard! Rachel: Well y'know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least told me! Come on, give me one of those! What are we talking about? Kim: No. No! You're doing great! Don’t you give up! That's why we didn't tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us. Rachel: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down. Kim: Forget it Rachel! We're both so proud of how well you're doing. I'm not gonna let you blow it. In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired. So go on, get out of here! Go on, I don't want you breathing this stuff! Go on! Rachel: Okay. (Starts to walk away.) Kim: (to Nancy) So, okay! So you'll come with me on the Paris trip. Rachel: (hearing that) Oh man! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel's surprise party. The apartment is festooned with cups. There are cups everywhere! Cup centerpiece, cup garland, etc., etc] Phoebe: (To Chandler) Check it out! Cup hat! (Points to her hat.) Cup banner! Cup chandelier! And the thing that started it all, the cup! (Holds up one.) Chandler: Great job with the cups, Pheebs! Monica: (overhearing that) Why don't you just go out with her! (Chandler starts to follow her into the kitchen.) Phoebe: (following him) And did you notice the ice? (Gestures to 3 huge buckets of ice on the table.) Look! We have it all! We have crushed! Cubed! And dry! Watch! (Pours some water onto the dry ice, causing it to evaporate/smoke.) Ahhh! Mystical! Chandler: Awesome! Monica: Chandler! Everyone--no one's eating my Tuscan finger food 'cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones! Chandler: There are snow cones! (Monica glares at him.) Snow cones! Yuck! Monica: Y'know…go! Go! Right there! (Points) Chandler: Thank you! Thank you! (Runs to the snow cone machine.) (Rachel enters.) Phoebe: (noticing her) Oh, look! Look! Look! All: Surprise!! Rachel: What?! What?! My birthday's not for another month! Monica: That's the surprise! Rachel: Oh my God! You guys this is so great! I mean it's so unexpected! I mean Chandler's birthday is even before mine! (Everyone stops and looks at Chandler, who's nodding.) All: Surprise! Rachel: Wow! This is great! Look at all these cups! This is so weird. Phoebe: I was in charge of cups. Rachel: Oh, okay, not so weird. [Cut to another part of the room, Ross is going to talk to Joey.] Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey. Ross: Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go so well. Joey: Yeah right! (Gets up for a refill to his snow cone.) Ross: No really, I-I am! I feel bad! Joey: Yeah? Well look Ross, you don't have to. Okay? It's not your fault I suck. I mean what kind of an actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup." (Nods his head in disgust.) Ross: Yeah y'know what? Maybe-maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson. Joey: What you do mean? Ross: I think, sub-consciously… Joey: Wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me. Ross: (pause) I think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would get the part. Joey: Well, you're way sounds a lot better than mine. (Thinks about it.) Yeah. Yeah! It's not that I'm a bad actor… Ross: No! Joey: No, it's just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed. Ross: There you go. Thank you! Joey: Thank you! So, did-did he get it? Ross: No. Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do? Ending Credits [Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are out smoking as Chandler sticks his head out the door.] Chandler: (to Kim and Nancy) Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch. Kim: Oh, she doesn't come down here any more. You can find her up on ten. Chandler: Okay, great. (Kim exhales and Chandler stares at it longingly.) Kim: (to Nancy) So we talked about the (Chandler sneaks closer to her cigarette) whole presentation yesterday at lunch (Closer) and he wondered if one person would be enough (Closer) to get a take on the trip (Still closer) and I said, "Yeah, absolutely!" (She's interrupted by Chandler who has reached his goal and takes a drag from her cancer stick.) Chandler: I'll catch you guys later. (Exits.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x18 - The One Where Rachel Smokes"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion? Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George. Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there? Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert. (There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.) Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler! Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut. Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy. Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting. Caitlin: It's uh, 27 dollars even. Chandler: Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go. (The duck starts quacking.) Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken? Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first. Caitlin: (laughs) Great. I'll see you later! Chandler: Okay, bye! (He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.) Ross: What the hell was that?! Chandler: What? Ross: The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm, let's say my sister?! Chandler: I was not flirting. Ross: It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney, nasally noises.)" Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all. Ross: Yeah, right. Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.) Ross: (backing away) I'm good. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.] Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law & Order! Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law? Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him. Phoebe: Don't get me started on that. (Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.) Chandler: I was not flirting. Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame! Rachel: What's going on? Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl! Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh! Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it. Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl. Ross: Well… Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin? (Ross looks at Rachel.) Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people. Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place. Rachel: Hm-mmm. Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little… Rachel: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements. Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian! Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat. Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone. Joey: (entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother! Rachel: Big night! Phoebe: This is so cool! Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud! Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English. Chandler: I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again. Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me. (They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think based on this line.) Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so… Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary! Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.) Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in London… Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points) Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't? Chandler: The one that doesn't. Monica: That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready. Chandler: Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you? Monica: That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special. Chandler: Okay. Monica: (runs over to Phoebe) You have got to go home! Phoebe: But I like it here! Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight. Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for them. Monica: Great! Phoebe: Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed. Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. (Goes to her room.) (Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on…) Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian? Phoebe: I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we could really tell.) Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you! Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one? Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them? Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?! Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it. Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight! Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings. Phoebe: These are her earrings. Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff! Phoebe: Why not? Rachel: Because I lose her stuff! [Time Lapse, the gng is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.] Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later. (His grandmother asks him something.) Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up. Chandler: If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference? Monica: (noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing? Rachel: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary! Monica: It's a diaper commercial. Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!! (There's a knock on the door.) Caitlin: Pizza delivery! Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.) Caitlin: Hi! Ross: Hi! Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15. Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys. Caitlin: What?! Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair. Caitlin: Oh. Thanks. Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys. Caitlin: Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money. Chandler: Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you. Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.) Chandler: You're welcome. Ross: You couldn't let me have her, could ya?! Chandler: What? Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there! Monica: What's goin' on? Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl! Chandler: Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting. Monica: It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine. Ross: Really?! Chandler: Really?! Monica: It's no big deal, I do it all the time. Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time? Monica: Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you! Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am. Joey: (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.) Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you? Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women? Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women. Ross: And thank you, for that. Rachel: But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing. Ross: What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you. Rachel: Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me! Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu! Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) I found it! Rachel: Ohh! Thank God! Where was it? Phoebe: On your dresser. Rachel: Okay that is the one we already have! Joey: Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God. Monica: What? Joey: (smiling) Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kll my grandmother if she finds out. Chandler: (smiling) Well, what is it? Joey: (smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show. Rachel: (smiling) What?! Ross: (smiling) Are you sure? Phoebe: (smiling) Maybe your scene's coming up? Joey: (smiling) Not likely. 'Cause you see that body bag right there Rachel: (smiling) Yeah. Joey: (smiling) I'm in it. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.] Phoebe: (smiling) This is terrible, what are you going to do? Joey: (smiling) I don't know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died. Phoebe: (not smiling) That's not good. Joey: (smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all smile.) Rachel: (smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your fault. Chandler: (smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon? Grandma Tribbiani: (Something in Italian to Joey.) Joey: Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! (Points to the screen, of course it isn't him.) Grandma Tribbiani: (pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston! Joey: No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me. Grandma Tribbiani: No, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One. Chandler: Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows Capricorn One. (Phoebe gets up.) Monica: (following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we're going to leave as soon as the show is over. Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you! Monica: No you didn't. Phoebe: All right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said. (Walks away over to Rachel.) Where is that other earring? Rachel: It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.) Phoebe: Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box. Rachel: Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box? Phoebe: Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?! (Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.) Ross: (To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh? Phoebe: (she just looks at him) Why are you being weird? Ross: Do you like it? Phoebe: No, that would be, "Why are you being cute?" Ross: Okay, I'm working on my flirting. Phoebe: Ohh! I did not get that. [Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.] Chandler: So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order? Monica: Yeah, it's good. Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area! Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me. Chandler: Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women. Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women. Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!" Monica: No way! Chandler: It's true. Monica: Well that's pathetic! Chandler: Again true. Monica: And this goes for all guys? Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way. Joey: (To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's another commercial; I still haven't told her! Ross: Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like (checks his watch) ten minutes left! Joey: I know, I know! What am I going to do? (Thinks) Ooh! Monica: No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here! Joey: (dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs out before anyone can stop him.) Grandma Tribbiani: Joey! Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small. [Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey's.] Rachel: (entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering) Hey! Phoebe: Did you find it? Rachel: The earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've been looking for these since like last summer. (Puts 'em on.) Phoebe: Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me. Rachel: Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.) Monica: (entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives her the one-minute sign.) Phoebe: (To Rachel) What are we going to do?! Rachel: I don't know, I don't know. Phoebe: All right well, we're just gonna have to tell Monica, that's all. Rachel: Oh gosh, she's going to kll me. Phoebe: I suppose I could tell her it's just all my fault. Rachel: Ohh that'd be great! Phoebe: Mon, can I talk to you for a sec? Monica: Yeah, what is it? Phoebe: Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry! Monica: (shocked) Wow! All right well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it you lost it. Phoebe: I will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible. Monica: All right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't do it on purpose. Phoebe: No. Monica: Look at you! Come here! (They hug.) Feel better? Phoebe: Yeah! You're the best! Rachel: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it. I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.) Monica: (angrily) That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my sunglasses! Rachel: Your sunglasses?! Monica: Yes! Phoebe: Oh, right! (Hands Monica back her sunglasses.) Caitlin: (from outside) Pizza! Ross: (running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine! Mine! (to everyone) Okay, here goes. Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting. Chandler: Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.) Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to… (Ross interrupts and shushes her.) Ross: You'll see. Okay. (Readies himself.) Oh, what's-what's her name? All: Caitlin! Grandma Tribbiani: Caitlin! Ross: (He opens the door while faking a laugh.) Hey! Oh, we-we can't keep eating like this. (Monica turns her head in shame.) Caitlin: It's uh, $12.50. Ross: Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning ovens? Caitlin: No actually umm, I think that they're umm, gas. Ross: Gas? Wow! Intense. Chandler: (To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem. Ross: (to Caitlin) Hey uh, y'know that smell gas has? Caitlin: (wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible, horrible place) Yeah. Ross: They put that in. Caitlin: What?! Ross: The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a leak. Caitlin: (getting more desperate to leave) Well okay! Ross: A lot of other gas smells… Chandler: Oh the humanity. Ross: Meth-methane smells… Caitlin: Y'know what umm, actually I, I really, I should go. Ross: Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet! Caitlin: Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me! (Runs for her life.) (Ross closes the door slowly.) Ross: (To All) Was I talking to her about gas? Chandler: More so than anything else. Phoebe: I-I-I found it interesting. Rachel: I'm sorry. Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.) Rachel: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and exits.) Phoebe: (walking over to Ross) Ross? Ross: Yeah? Phoebe: What else do they add smell too? [Scene: The street outside the building, Rachel is running to catch up with Caitlin.] Rachel: Hey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs? The ones with all the pizza? Caitlin: Oh, is there a problem? Rachel: No. No. Every thing's--they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's flirting. Caitlin: Oh my God! That was flirting?! Rachel: Yeah. Caitlin: Wow! Rachel: I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really a good person. Caitlin: The guy with the gas?! Rachel: Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you. Caitlin: Really?! Rachel: Well y'know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think? Caitlin: I just, I thought Joey was there. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey's grandmother are still watching Law & Order.] Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought. Ross: What do you mean? Rachel: Well, I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number. (Hands him the slip of paper with the phone number on it.) Ross: And she just gave you this? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: Rach, thanks but uh, I don't need you doing me any favors. Rachel: I-I-I didn't! I didn't! She thought you were cute. Ross: Well that I can believe. Rachel: Yay! Joey: (entering) Hey! Is the show still on? Chandler: Almost over man. Joey: (says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.) Chandler: Why am I looking? Joey: Oh, here I am, here's my big scene! (Joey has made a little home movie that's his big scene. He braces himself against the door to his apartment and while holding a plastic gn and wearing the same sweater says…) Joey: (on the tape) All right back off! I gotta gn! I'm not afraid to use it! Grandma Tribbiani: Oh Joey! Joey: That's right! Chandler: You couldn't have at least changed your shirt. Joey: (on the tape) Now, I wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. (The duck quacks, to the duck) Choo! Choo! Choo! (To the imaginary cops) Filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if I don't get it…(the duck quacks louder) Choo!! And if I don't get it, (pause, picks up the duck) I'm gonna sht this duck! Phoebe: Oh no! Joey: (on the tape) I'm comin' out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the gn in all directions and then runs out of view.) Ross: (To Phoebe) And she's supposed to buy this?! Grandma Tribbiani: Joey, bravo! (Starts with that Italian stuff again.) (Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey's impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really, really close to the camera.) Chandler: (singing) Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown…engines…on! (Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.) Joey: (to his grandmother) That's uh, scenes from next week's show. Next week's! Phoebe: I am definitely gonna watch that! Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another time lapse, Monica is seeking advice from Rachel and Phoebe about possible replacement earrings.] Monica: What about these? These look the same? Phoebe: Definitely! Monica: Not as each other! Phoebe: Oh, then no. (Goes over to Chandler.) Chandler: (To Monica) Hey! Monica: Hi! Chandler: You ready? Monica: Yeah. Chandler: You look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world. Monica: Ohh, you're about to get a little luckier. Chandler: Let me see the earrings. Monica: Oh, honey, the earrings… Chandler: (looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what? Monica: My boyfriend really does have good taste! (He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks over to Ross.) Chandler: (To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man. Ross: Hm-mmm. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x19 - The One Where Ross Can't Flirt"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Joey, and Monica are sitting on the couch as Ross is up getting some coffee.] Monica: Okay, guys, listen, don't forget that tomorrow is the day that Emily gets married again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep Ross's mind off of it. Joey: Oh, yeah, good idea. (Ross returns.) Chandler: Hey man, what's up? Ross: (sits down at the table) Oh, eh, just thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow. (Joey panics.) Joey: Ooh, Ross, look! Look! (Points behind Ross.) Ross: (turning and looking) What? Where? Joey: Right over there! Right there! Look-look-look! Ross: What am I looking at? Joey: (to the rest of the gng) Somebody help me out here! Phoebe: (entering, with Gary) Hey! Gary: Hello! Monica: Hey! Gary: How are you? Phoebe: Monica, I'm sorry I didn't come by last night. I was out with Gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented crimes. Joey: You got to go on a ride along?! Phoebe: Uh-huh! Joey: I want to go on a ride along! Ross: Me too! Gary: Okay! Chandler: Yeah, yeah! Me too! Gary: Really?! You? Chandler: Yeah. Gary: Well, it's kinda dangerous. Chandler: Well, I like danger. Gary: Okay, you guys free tonight? Joey and Ross: Yeah!! Chandler: Tonight? You-you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is kneeling at the coffee table and has a bunch of pictures laid out in front of her as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're home, I thought tonight we could finally organize these photos! Rachel: Ohh, thank God! Finally! Monica: Okay, I've broken them down into categories. Okay, we have uh, we got holidays, birthdays, candids, y'know… And then what I've done is I've cross-referenced them by subject. Right? So if you're looking up, oh let's say birthdays and dogs, you get Photo 152. See? (Hands her the photo.) Rachel: Ohh, it's me and La Poo! Wow! I miss that dog. Monica: You can also find him under umm, dog and dad. Rachel: Great! Thanks! Monica: All right, hand me that other box of photos; that's the very last one. Rachel: Okay. (She picks up the box and the bottom falls out, spilling all of the pictures onto Monica's neat little piles.) Rachel: Oops. Sorry! Well, good thing you number all of them, huh? Monica: I hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype. Rachel: Ohhhh. Honey, honey, honey, it's okay, it's okay honey. I'm gonna fix you a drink, huh? Maybe a margarita? Ross: Ross has the blender! Ugh, everything's just falling apart! Rachel: No honey, it's okay! Listen, I'll got to Ross's and get the blender, you get all the margarita stuff ready. Monica: All right, he's keys are in the drawer. Y'know what? I also need some cash. Rachel: Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM? Monica: Nah, while you're at Ross's if you see any lying around… Rachel: What?! Monica: What?! I-I-I don't, I don't do that! (Rachel slowly leaves the apartment.) [Scene: Gary's cop car, Ross is in the front seat with Gary of course. Chandler is in the back seat.] Ross: (to Gary) That was so cool man, the way you leaned on that guy. Chandler: It is starting to get dark out there. Ross: (to Gary) He told you everything! I mean you totally cracked him! Gary: Yeah well, being that he was the victim, they're usually pretty talkative. Chandler: (laughing) Okay. (Deadpan) But it is officially nighttime. (Gary reaches up to grab that little light that cops have for unmarked cop cars.) Ross: Oh hey, Gary, want me to grab the berry for ya? Gary: It's called the cherry. Ross: It's the—Chandler!! (Chandler starts laughing at his joke.) Joey: (returning from a deli) Okay, I got it! This place makes the best sandwich in the world! Gary: Hey Joe does it have meatballs on it? Joey: Oh-ho, yeah! Gary: Does it have melted cheese and marinara sauce? Joey: Yep! Gary: Yeah, you can't eat that in my car. Joey: (dejected) Yeah okay. (To Chandler) Even though my tax dollars paid for this car. Chandler: Your tax dollars? Joey: Yeah, okay. [Time lapse, they're still on the ride along and Joey is just sniffing his sandwich.] Chandler: (leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good. Joey: Did I say you could smell it?! Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich? Joey: Half the taste is in the smell! You-you're sucking up all the tastiness! Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich? Joey: Okay, imagine the best sex you've ever had. Chandler: Okay. Joey: Are you thinking about Monica? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Yeah, what's that like? [Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is just entering. She takes off her coat and heads for the kitchen. As she does, she knocks something off of a bookcase next to the kitchen door with her coat and it breaks.] Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.) Monica: (on the answering machine) Rach! It's me! Pick up! (Rachel runs over and answers the phone with the blender in hand.) Rachel: Hey! What's up?! Monica: I need a few more things to make the margaritas. Uhh, I need some salt, some margarita mix, and tequila. Rachel: So all we have is ice? Monica: See if he has ice. Rachel: Okay. (She hangs up the phone and starts to head back to the kitchen and notices some money lying out, stops, reaches down to pick it up, the phone rings causing her to drop it, she quickly puts it back, and heads for the kitchen.) Emily: (on answering machine) Hello Ross? It's Emily. (Rachel runs back into the room with the tequila.) I know this is out of the blue but uh, I'm getting married tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I keep thinking about you and I'm wondering if-if we made a mistake giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye. Rachel: Oh. Oh! (Takes a slug of tequila.) [Scene: The ride along.] Ross: So where are we going next? Gary: This witness won't return my calls so we're gonna see if we can surprise him coming home. Chandler: Sur-surprise him? We're not, we're not gonna make anybody mad are we? Joey: Come on man! (To Gary) Listen so uh, are you gonna squeeze the perps shoes a little bit before he lawyers up? Gary: It's a witness not a perp. And no one talks like that! Ross: Yeah, no one talks like that! Joey: Oh what? Like your Mr. Cop! Ross: Hey, I'm more cop than you two! Chandler: How do you figure that? Ross: Hello! I'm in the front seat, okay? I'm Gary's partner! Chandler: Y'know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay. Ross: Umm, jealous! (He drops the cherry and it turns on.) Gary: Hey, do you mind? We're under cover here. Ross: Yeah, no problem. (Tries to turn it off.) Gary: Ross! Ross: Sorry! Sorry! Oh, (He sticks it under his shirt) there! (It's just there flashing through his shirt) Hey Gary, who am I? Phone home! (Gary just glares at him.) [Time lapse, Ross has been demoted to the back seat with Joey and Chandler. He's not too happy about it.] Chandler: Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors. Joey: Yeah, what's up with that Serpico? [Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is playing Emily's message to Monica.] Emily: (on answering machine) Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye. Monica: (does Rachel's) Nooo! Rachel: (does Monica's) I know! Monica: Well thank God you were here! I mean, we have to erase that! Rachel: What?! We can't do that! Monica: We have too! I mean what if Ross's hears that and then calls her back and then they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling, neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn't let him see you? Rachel: Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not get back together with her. I know that! You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still doesn’t give us the right to erase his message! Monica: I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't want to see him get hurt! Come on! Doesn’t that give me the right to control him—help him? Rachel: I don't think he's the one who needs help. (They both sit down.) Monica: No, look, she's obviously unstable, okay? I mean she's thinking about running out on her wedding day. (Rachel slowly turns and glares at her.) (Realizing what she just said.) Okay, fine! But I mean, look at the position she's putting him in! What's he gonna do? Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage?! I mean, who would do that?! (Rachel again turns and glares at her in disgust.) Okay, fine, all right, but that's y'know, it's different! Although it did involve a lot of the same people. Rachel: Ugh! Monica: Y'know what, this is obviously some kind of twisted joke she's trying to play on him. Rachel: Okay, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she sounded generally upset! I mean, listen! (She hits a button on the machine.) Answering Machine: You're messages have been erased. Rachel: Noooooooo! [Scene: The ride along, they're all waiting outside of the witness's house and still in the car in the same places as before.] Chandler: Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down! Gary: No. But that reminds me, (handing back a clipboard) sign this. Ross: What is it? Gary: Oh it's nothing, it just says that you can't sue the city if you scrap your knee or y'know, get your head blown off. Chandler: (deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that. Gary: Okay, here he comes. What is he doing? What the hell is he doing?! Ross: What? What? What? What is it? Joey: Is everything okay? Chandler: What's going on? Gary: Okay, he sees us. Now don't move. Don't look at him. (They all turn and look away. Suddenly a loud bang sounds out and in slow motion Joey slowly throws his body over Ross. Gary is shocked at what he sees while Chandler is obviously hurt.) Gary: Hey, it's okay. It was just a car backfire. (Joey slowly moves off of Ross.) Hey, look at that! You tried to save your buddy. You see that? You see what he did? Joey: (To Ross) You okay man? Ross: Uh-huh. Thank Joey! Chandler: Uh, HELLO!! Joey: Hi. Commercial Break [Scene: Ross's apartment, Monica has all the supplies she needs and is getting ready to leave.] Monica: All right, I guess we should go. Rachel: No, wait. Wait. Monica: Oh yeah right! (She grabs the money and shoves into her pocket.) Rachel: No, Monica! Monica! We have to fix this! Monica: There's nothing we can do. You erased the message! Rachel: Yeah well unless we tell him. Monica: Well, if you're gonna be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you! All right? Fine, if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just don't want to be a part of it. (The phone rings.) Rachel: Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message. Ross: (on the machine) Hey Ross! It's you! I just want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye! (He hangs up.) Monica: Wow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away! Rachel: Right? [Scene: Central Perk, the guys are returning from the ride along to find Phoebe already there.] Gary: Hey, anybody want to meet a hero? Phoebe: (excited) John Glenn is here?! Gary: No, Joey! Ross: Pheebs, we had the most incredible night! Okay, so, we're in the car… Gary: Wait! Hold on! (He goes over to Phoebe and gives her a kiss.) (To Phoebe) Hi! Phoebe: Hi! Gary: (To Ross) Okay, go ahead. Ross: Okay, okay, so we're in the car. Right? And bang! A sht was fired. And Joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me! Phoebe: My God, Joey! Chandler: (pouting) It was a car backfire! Ross: Yeah, but-but he didn't know that! Joey: Yeah, I didn't know that. Ross: And it could've just as easily have been a bllet. Gary: Hey Joe, you ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like you. Chandler: Who jumps at loud noises! Ross: Wow! I could've died tonight. Chandler: Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y'know what, I think I'll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the door.) Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life. Chandler: (returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.) Gary: (To Phoebe) So you wanna get some dinner? Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Yep! (Gets up) Oh, y'know what? If I heard a sht right now, I'd throw my body on you. Gary: Oh yeah? Well maybe you and I should take a walk through a bad neighborhood. Phoebe: Okay! Gary: All right. Phoebe: Bye! Ross and Joey: Bye! (They leave as Ross stares in awe at Joey.) Joey: Cut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the same day! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is pacing as Joey enters.] Joey: Dude! How come you took off? Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever… Joey: Is something wrong? Chandler: No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-from the walk. Joey: Okay. Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross! Joey: That's what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross! Chandler: I do not hate Ross! Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You're mad at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the picture. Chandler: What picture? Joey: I don't know, but I don't like what I'm hearing! Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bllet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me! Joey: Ohh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No! I…knew…you could take care of yourself. Y'know, I mean Ross, he need help. He's not street like us! Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line. Joey: Well, no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I wasn't trying to save Ross. Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was, I was trying to save my sandwich. Chandler: From a bllet! Joey: I know it doesn't make much sense… Chandler: Much sense?! Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I just went for it! Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich! Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is (Goes and picks up the sandwich) the greatest sandwich in the world! Chandler: So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me. Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you're like my brother! Chandler: Really?! Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich and holds it out for Chandler) here. Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.) Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog! (Chandler takes a bite.) Joey: How good is that? Chandler: (with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah! Joey: See? Chandler: Hm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.) Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?! Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me. Joey: Yeah. With a bite! (Takes back the sandwich.) Gee-e-e-eez! [Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters.] Rachel: Hey! Hi! Ross: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here? Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Okay? This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister! Ross: Y'know, it-it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you're here. You're my friend, and you're here. Oh! (He goes over and hugs her.) Rachel: Okay, just a little scared. What's going on Ross? Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience! Rachel: What?! What? What happened?! Ross: Okay, okay, we were on the ride along with Gary, right? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: And somebody took a sht at me! Rachel: (gasps) Really?! Ross: No, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly calms down) I thought somebody was taking a sht at me. And Rach, I…I survived! And I was filled with this-this great respect for life. Y'know? I-I want to experience every moment. I want to seize every opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now. Rachel: Because a car backfired? Ross: (stares at her briefly) Okay, why are you here? Rachel: Well, I-I-I don't know how this fits into your whole "seizing" thing but um, Emily called you today. Ross: You talked to her? Rachel: No, she left a message. (He starts for the machine.) (Stopping him.) But it-it kinda got erased. There's just (Pause) something wrong with your machine. Ross: Well, okay, what-what did she say? Rachel: Well, uh something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her. Ross: Wow! Rachel: Now, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right? Ross: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course! Rachel: Okay. Thank you! Thank you! Because—I'm sorry, all right. Because y'know what? She didn't want me—not important. The point is, I was right. You're decision. Okay? I was right. (She starts for the door.) (Stops) You're decision. Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily. Rachel: Okay, no, that's not the right decision. That's not, that's not right, no Ross-Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into that? Ross: Okay, look, yesterday I would've even considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to mean something! Rachel: Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely an experience! Ross: You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is something that I-I'm supposed to seize! Y'know? Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping stuff. Ross: Huh. Rachel: I mean, look-look today you escaped (Pause) (Not believing it) death, y'know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily? Ross: That does make sense. Because I do wanna seize some opportunity, but I-I really don't wanna see or talk to her. Rachel: Well, there you go! Ross: Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day. Rachel: (laughing) Close call day. Ross: Hey, thanks Rach. (They hug.) Rachel: Ohh, honey no problem. Okay. (Gets up.) Ross: Oh wait-wait-wait! The message is blinking. Maybe you didn't erase it. Rachel: Oh? (Ross hits the playback button.) Ross: (on machine) "Hey Ross, it's you!" (Hits the stop button) Oh yeah, no that's-that's an old message, nobody needs to hear that. Rachel: No. (She heads for the door again.) Ross: (looking at the coffee table where his money was) Hey umm, was-was Monica here? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Yeah, I want my money back. Rachel: (going out the door) Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right? (Ross is stunned.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.] Ross: Hey Pheebs, has Gary ever been sht at for real? Phoebe: Yes. Once. Yeah, a little. He kinda did it to himself. It's not really a good story. Ross: I wonder how I would react under fre, y'know? And not backfire but-but heavy fre, like I was in a wr or something. Monica: Man, I would be great in a wr! I mean, I really, I think I would make a fantastic military leader. I mean I know I would make General way before any of you guys. Chandler: Before or after you were sht by your own troops? Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us. Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches. Joey: Yeah, hero sandwiches. (Points at Ross who points back.) Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in wr in any way. (Gets up) But y'know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey. (Joey gets all happy with himself, while the rest of the g*ng is less than enthused.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x20 - The One With The Ride Along"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Greg Malins Story by: Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there.] Gary: (To Phoebe) Would you like some more coffee, baby-doll? Phoebe: I'm fine, thanks. Chandler: (To Monica) Yeah, see, I can't pull of baby-doll can I? Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I'm gonna get some tea. Chandler: Okay. (Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to Phoebe.) Chandler: Hiya doin' pumpkin? Phoebe: Nope. (Chandler nods in agreement.) [Cut to Gary and Monica at the counter.] Monica: So it looks like it's going really well for you two, huh? Gary: I know, really well. In fact, I'm gonna ask Phoebe to move in with me. Monica: (shocked) Oh my God! Gary: What do you, what do you think? Monica: I think that is so great! When are you gonna ask her? Gary: Tonight, but don't say anything. Okay? Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my God, I'm so excited! {And I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry, just couldn't resist it.} All right, listen let me tell you, do not get her flowers. Okay? Because y'know, she cries when they die, and there's the whole funeral… Gary: (To Phoebe) I'll see you after work sweetie. (Kisses her.) Phoebe: Okay. Bye! (Gary exits and Monica rejoins them.) Phoebe: So, what movie should we see? Monica: (sitting down) Gary's gonna ask you to move in with him!! Phoebe: What?! Really?! Monica: He just told me at the counter. He made me promise not to tell, but I couldn't hold it in any longer! Phoebe: I can't believe this! Chandler: (terrified) Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's fast! Monica: Relax! It's Phoebe! Not you! Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief) Phoebe: No, but it is fast. Isn't it? Monica: Ohhhh! Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don't think I'm ready for this! Chandler: So, what are you gonna do? Phoebe: I don't know. I'll just handle it—I'll ask you to talk to him! Chandler: Me?! Why me? Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him scared like you! Make him a…man! Chandler: I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be. Monica: That is so sweet! (She kisses him and turns to add some sugar to her tea.) Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are playing catch with a little foam globe.] Joey: Hey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an island? Ross: Uh-huh, that's why they call it Staten Island. Joey: Ohhh. I thought it was like Long Island. Ross: (he catches the ball and pauses, staring at Joey in disbelief) Also an island. (The game resumes.) Joey: Hey, what time is it? Ross: (looks at his watch) 2:17. Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour? Ross: Are you serious?! Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it. Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch! Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose! Rachel: (entering) Hey, you guys… Joey: Hey! Rachel: Is Monica here? Joey and Ross: No. Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl. Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy! Rachel: Noo! I wish! Okay, you ready? Joey and Ross: Yeah! Rachel: Okay! (She goes and gets her surprise and when she returns with it, Ross stares in shock.) Check it out! (Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get sick.) Ross: What-what is it?! Joey: What the hell is that?!! Rachel: It's a, it's a cat! Joey: That, is not a cat! {I have to agree with Joey on this one.} Rachel: Yes it is! Ross: Why is it inside out?! Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat! Ross: How much did you pay for that? Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal. Ross: Yeah? How much? Rachel: A thousand bucks. Ross: ON A CAT??!!!! Joey: It's not a cat! Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap and purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it! Ross: Free cats do that too, y'know. {Which reminds me, if I might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably won't die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it's life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.} Joey: It's not a cat! Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I'm really excited about this! Okay? I don't care what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?! (Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys continue throwing the ball.) Ross: (To Joey) Hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can throw this ball back and forth? Huh? Joey: Uhh, the ball thing. Ross: Yeah? Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn't it be great if we could go two straight hours without dropping it?! Ross: Uhh, yeah it would! Let's do it! Joey: Okay! (They throw the ball back and forth once.) Joey: (catches the ball) Uh-oh. Ross: What? Joey: I have to pee. And Rachel's in the bathroom! [Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.] Joey: Man, I didn't think we were gonna make it! Ross: I know! (Looks at the ball in his hands.) Don't switch hands, okay? [Scene: the 5th Precinct, Gary's precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him about commitment. And as he's walking through the door he notices a couple of "Ladies of the night" sitting there. (If you know what I mean.)] Chandler: Hey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.) Gary: Hey Chandler, what are you doing here? Chandler: Gary, I'm here to report a crime. Gary: Yeah? Chandler: It is a crime that you and I don't spend more time together. Gary: (laughs, then suddenly serious) What's up? Chandler: Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me. Gary: Sure. Okay. Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y'know, live-living together! Gary: Yeah, I-I considered that. I just know it would make me happy. Chandler: You mean scared. Gary: No, I mean happy. Chandler: Scared? Happy? Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing? Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there! Gary: I know! I can't wait! Chandler: Were you're parents happy, or something? Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I was lucky enough to find someone that I really love. I just—I wanna be around her as much as I can. Chandler: Wow, y'know when you say it, it doesn't sound so scary. Gary: So you know what I'm talking about, right? Chandler: Yeah, I think I do! Y'know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica! Gary: No, it's too soon for you guys. Chandler: (pause) Yeah, you're right about that. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are still playing catch.] Ross: …now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?! {Y'know, sometimes I think the script writers through in a line like that to try to trip me up. But it won't work. I'll always have the last laugh! <manical_laugh.wav> Okay, so maybe I'm a little deluded, it's probably just my spellchecker. But, I must admit I did get Mesozoic and Paleozoic on the first attempt. Yay me! Anyhoo…} Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game. {Oh, all right! Geez, I can't have any fun!} Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Joey: Hi! Monica: Joey, I left my watch on the counter last night. (Goes to the counter) It was right here, where is it? Joey: I don't know. Monica: All right, come on, I'm-I'm late for work! Ross: How do you know? You don't have a watch. Monica: Guys, could you please just stop throwing the ball for one minute and just help me find it! Joey: Oh, I don't know…. Yeah, can't do it. (He throws it back to Ross, but it's intercepted by Monica and the guys both scream in horror.) Monica: What?! Ross: Monica, whatever you do, do not drop that ball! Joey: Yeah, we haven't dropped it in… (Looks to Ross.) Ross: 2 hours, 27 minutes. Monica: Really?! [Time lapse, Monica has joined in and is calling to get out of work.] Monica: (on phone, faking she's sick) I-I'm not gonna be able to make it into work today, I don't feel very good. (Joey makes a high throw and Monica has to catch it way over her head.) (Not sounding sick) Yes!! (Realizes what she just did.) (Sounding sick again) Wow! Uh, for a second there I thought I was really better, but I'm not. (Hangs up and keeps throwing the ball.) (Rachel enters.) Ross: Hey Rach! Rachel: Hey. Ross: Check it out! Almost 3 hours without droppin' it! Rachel: Oh, wow! Congratulations, that's quite a waste of time. Monica: Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Monica: You have scratches all over you, what happened? (Rachel's arms are covered with scratches.) Rachel: Well, it's my cat. Monica: (shocked) What?! Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat. Monica: I don't want a cat! Joey: Oh, don't worry, it's not a cat. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: You guys this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet, it's not cute, I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds crazy, but every time this cat hisses at me I know it's saying, "Rachel!" Ross: Doesn't sound as crazy as paying a thousand dollars for a cat. Monica: (To Rachel) What?! You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me 300!! Rachel: Well, I was gonna let you play with it. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is drinking coffee as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hi! Phoebe: Hmm, did you talk to Gary about the moving in thing? Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do it. Phoebe: What?! Chandler: He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady. Phoebe: You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! The one thing! And you can't even do that right! God! Chandler: I’m sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I'd move in with him. Phoebe: Ohh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of here, good for nothing. Gary: Hey Chandler. Chandler: Hey Gar! Gary: (To Phoebe) Hi sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Yeah! Okay. (They move to the couch.) Gary: You look very pretty today. Phoebe: Thanks! Okay. (They sit down.) Gary: Here's the thing. Phoebe: Yeah? Gary: Y'know I really want to move this relationship forward. Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Gary: Because if you're not moving forward, y'know you're just moving backwards. Phoebe: No that's not true. If you're not moving forward, you're just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.) Gary: Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah? Gary: I want you to move in with me. Phoebe: That is so sweet. But don't you think it's a little too soon? I mean there's so much we don't know about each other. Gary: (disappointed) Oh. Oh-oh-okay, I get it. Phoebe: I just—I don't want us to jump into something we're not ready for. Gary: (disappointed more) Uh-huh. Phoebe: I really don't want to mess up what we have. I'm just—I'm worried it's gonna be a big mistake. Gary: (on the verge of tears) Yeah. Phoebe: Which is why my answer is yes! Gary: (suddenly happy) Really?! Phoebe: Uh-huh! (They hug.) I'm so…happy. (She's not happy.) Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, and Monica are still playing catch, with Chandler looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who catches it and whips it at Ross.] Ross: (catching the ball) Monica! Stop throwing it so hard! We're on the same team! Chandler: Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours? Joey: That's right baby. Chandler: All right, let me in. (He jumps off of the counter to join in the game.) Monica: (jumping in front of him) No-no! Don't do it! Don't! Chandler: What? Monica: He's a dropper! Joey: Oh yeah, that's right! Chandler: I'm not a dropper! Ross: It's really a uh-uh three person game, y'know? Chandler: It's throwing and catching! Ross: All right. (He gently tosses the ball to Chandler who catches it.) Chandler: Oh! Oh! That's so hard. (Starts to juggle the ball, but loses control and almost drops it and hands it to Monica.) (Rachel enters with the "cat" and the chick and the duck start to get riled up.) Joey: Whoa-whoa you guys, it's not a cat! Monica: Oh my—Oh good God! Rachel: (she's wearing an oven mitt to protect her hand) I give up you guys, I don't know what I'm going to do with this thing! Ross: Baking it didn't help, huh? Monica: So, why don't you just take it back to where you got it? Rachel: I tried! They won't take her back. Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ. Monica: Rach, why won't they take it back? Rachel: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats? Monica: Look, if you want you can keep it at our place until you find out what to do with it. Rachel: No Mon that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars, I'm all scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! (Storms out.) (Monica sneezes.) Monica: Oh my God, the cat's made my eyes water! Don't-don't throw it to me! My vision's been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Okay. Okay. It's okay. Man, that was close. Chandler: Yeah, you almost overreacted to something. Phoebe and Gary: (entering) Hey! All: Hey! Gary: We have great news! Phoebe: We're moving in together! Isn't it great! Yay! All: Congratulations! Congrats! Phoebe: I know, I'm so excited! Gary: So am I! Phoebe: Well, you're not more excited than I am! No way! I'm the most excited! Gary: Okay, I'll see you at the station later. Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't forget about the moving in! Gary: All right. (Phoebe closes the door behind him.) Monica: So you're moving in with him. What happened? Phoebe: I couldn't tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it'll be all right. I do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money I'll save on stamps. Monica: Why, do you write him a lot? Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. Don't they? All: Yeah! That's right. Yeah-yeah! Yeah! (Rachel enters with the cat, wearing the oven mitt, and startles Phoebe.) Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out. [Scene: Gary's precinct, Phoebe is entering.] Gary: Hey, honey! Okay, so did you find any apartments? Anything in Brooklyn Heights? Phoebe: No, nothing. Gary: Oh really? Phoebe: Yeah. Gary: Nothing at all? Phoebe: No, as soon as something opens up we'll move right in. Unless it doesn't have a pool, I need a pool. (Turns away from him.) Gary: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Uh-huh! (He takes her into one of those typical interrogation rooms you see on TV and in the movies. Which is really appropriate here, since this is a TV show. What are the odds of that?) Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all right? (Closes the door and takes off his coat.) Phoebe: (sits down) Yeah, I feel great. 'Cause we're moving in together. Gary: So you uh, you checked the paper for listings in Brooklyn Heights, right? You-you checked the Post? Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, there was nothing. (Pause) Can I get some water? Gary: In a minute. You-you checked today's Post? Phoebe: Umm, yeah! Today's. Gary: 'Cause uh, this is today's Post (produces one from the other chair) and uh, these are the listings I found. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, two bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, one bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights! Phoebe: (looks at the paper) Are these for rent! I thought people were just bragging! Gary: Let me tell you what I think might be going on. (Phoebe looks down in shame.) No-no-no, don't look at the table. Look at me. (Points to his eyes and she does so) Okay, I think somebody asked someone to move in with them. And I think someone said, "Yes" but now she's having doubts because things are moving to fast for someone. Does that sound at all possible to you? Phoebe: Yes. Yes! Fine! I am someone! You want me to say it? I have doubts! (Pause) I'm sorry! (Puts her head down.) Gary: Phoebe… Phoebe: Yeah? Gary: Phoebe, it's okay that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And there's a lot of things we don't know about each other, and I just figure that everything I really like. And the things I don't know, I get to learn about at someplace with both our names on the mailbox. Phoebe: That's so sweet. Gary: Sweethart, but none of that matters if it's too soon for you. It's fine! We don't have to move in together. I just—I want you to be happy Phoebe: Living with you would make me happy. Gary: Phoebe, you don't have to say that. Phoebe: No, I really wanna live with you! I wanna move in with you! Gary: Are you sure? Phoebe: Yes. Definitely! Yes! Let's live in an apartment that we both live in! (Hugs him.) Gary: Oh that's great! Phoebe: Oh wait, one sec. One sec. (Goes to the mirror) Hey you! Behind the glass! Who are you looking at! I've always wanted to say that when I was in one of these rooms, (sees the look on his face) which was never! [Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel is trying to sell the cat.] Rachel: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! (A woman approaches.) Woman No. 1: (looks into the box) Oh my God! What's wrong with your baby?! Rachel: It's not a baby! It's a cat! Woman No. 1: Eew! It's creepy looking! Rachel: Oh no! No! It's actually—it's very sweet. It's very sweet. Look! (Goes to pet it and it hisses at her.) Yeah, do you want it? Woman No. 1: (laughs) No, I hate cats. Rachel: Well, so then what are you doing to me? Okay? Just get out of here! All right? Move on! (Another woman approaches.) Woman No. 2: Wow! What an unusual cat! Rachel: Yes! Thank you! Exactly! You want it? Woman No. 2: Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter (Good for her) but… Okay, why not? Rachel: Oh, terrific! That'll be $2,000. Woman No. 2: What?! Rachel: Okay, a thousand. Woman No. 2: I thought you wanted to adopt your cat. Rachel: Well, I do, but you're just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat. Woman No. 2: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat. (Starts to leave.) Rachel: (makes some unintelligible sound to stop her from leaving) Obviously you know how to haggle, so I'm not gonna try and take you on. Okay? So $800 and I don't call the cops because you're robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes) Just take cat, leave the money, and run away! Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the woman has fled) Damnit! (To the cat) Cat, can't you at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses at her again, it sounds like Rachel) Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, Monica, and now Chandler are still playing catch. The guys are exhausted and sitting around the room. Monica is still standing all pumped up and being hyper-competitive yet again. {Okay! We get it! She's competitive!! Must we see all the time?!}] Ross: I'm starving! Monica: Come on guys! Suck it up! We're closing in on ten hours! It's gut-check time! Joey: I don't know who made you the boss? All right? We (Ross and him) invented this game! Monica: Please! I made this game what it is. Chandler: Not fun anymore? Ross: I'm still hungry! Monica: All right, there's some pizza at my place, we can all eat with one hand right? Are you with me? Ross: I am! Monica: All right! Let's go! (Runs to the door.) Let's go Team Monica! (The guys all stop and stare at her) All right, we can work out the name later. [Cut to her apartment where Rachel is sitting at the table.] Monica: Rachel! What is your cat doing in one of my bowls! Rachel: It's not! I'm defrosting a chicken. (Pause) Oh, I uh sold Mrs. Whiskerson. Ross: Oh, thank God! Joey: Did you get your money back? Rachel: Yeah, 15 hundred dollars. Monica: Wow! You made a profit! gn: (entering with the cat) I just came for the red-velvet pillow. Rachel: Oh yeah, there you go. (Hands over the pillow.) gn: Thanks Rachel. And-and don't forget you-you can come visit her anytime you want. Rachel: Oh good, great! I'll-I'll keep that in mind. (Turns and walks away.) gn: (To Ross) Hey! So what is this? Some kind of snake or something? [Scene: Gary and Phoebe's apartment, it's morning and they're both waking up in bed.] Gary: I really like waking up with you. Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It's such a beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I can stay here all day. Gary: That would be great! Phoebe: We could have breakfast in bed… Gary: Wait, just a second. Phoebe: Okay. (He grabs his gn and sh*t the bird.) Oh! Oh no. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Hyper-competitive Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are still playing catch. Monica is finally tiring while the rest of them are totally exhausted and virtually asleep.] Monica: All right! Come on Monica! Look alive! Come on, look alive! Phoebe: (entering) Oh good, you're all up. Rachel: Phoebe! It's 6 o'clock in the morning! Why aren't you at Gary's? Phoebe: Oh yeah, that's over. All: What?! Chandler: Come on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out! Phoebe: He sht a bird! Chandler: Oh that is over! All: That's terrible! I'm sorry! Rachel: Phoebe, are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I'll be alright. Joey: Oh hey, here Pheebs. (He throws her the ball.) Phoebe: (catches it) Nah, I don't feel like playing. (She sets the ball down on the table and everyone gasps.) Monica: It's okay. It's okay. Just pretend that it didn't happen! Okay? No one needs to know! I mean, Phoebe's not an official ballplayer! I mean, only official ballplayers can drop the ball! All: All right. Okay. I'm starving! (They all get up, thus officially ending the game.) Rachel: Phoebe, honey, wanna get some breakfast? Phoebe: Yeah! Monica: Okay! Okay, let's race! First one there wins! Ha-ha! (Runs out the door and everyone watches her leave.) (Pause) Chandler: You guys wanna eat here? All: Yeah! As long as we're here! Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.] Joey: Man that was great! Huh? Can you believe how long we threw that ball around? Rachel: Yeah, it is amazing it lasted that long. Ross: I know. My arm is k*lling me. Rachel: No, I meant with the dropper over here. (Points at Chandler.) Chandler: Y'know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I'm anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I'm not going to describe them, you'll have to see them.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x21 - The One With The Ball"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun Story by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe are there reading. Rachel is sitting on the couch flanked by Ross and Monica. She suddenly stops reading and starts blinking her left eye as if it's bothering her. The problem is that Joey is on her left and thinks she's winking at him and winks back. Ross is watching this and isn't quite sure of what to make of it.] Ross: What's going on? Rachel: Well, my eye is a little itchy. (Ross turns to look at Joey.) Joey: Uhhh, mine too! Yeah. Monica: (To Rachel) Wow! It's really red! You should go see my eye doctor. Rachel: Richard? I'm not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend! Chandler: Oh, Richard. That's all I ever hear, Richard, Richard, Richard! Monica: Since we've been going out, I think I've mentioned his name twice! Chandler: Okay, so Richard, Richard! Monica: It's not Richard! Okay? It's this new guy and he's really good. Rachel: Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to an eye doctor! Ross: Oh God, here we go! Chandler: What? Ross: Anytime anything comes close to touching her eye or anyone else's she like freaks out. Watch! Watch! (He takes his finger and moves it towards his eye.) Rachel: (flinches) Ross! Come on! That's all right! Fine--Okay, I have a weird thing about my eye. Can we not talk about it please? All: All right, fine. Monica: Hey Rach, remember that great song, Me, Myself, and I? (And on the "I" part she mimics poking her eye.) Rachel: (flinches again) Monica! Come on! Ross: Hey, does anybody want to get some lunch? All those in favor say I? (Pokes his eye) Rachel: (freaks) Ross! Stop it! Come on! Chandler: How much did I love The King and I? (Oh, you get the point by now.) Rachel: Chandler! Joey: Me too! Me too! Me too! (Yeah, he does the same thing.) Rachel: Just stop it! Come on! (Joey howls in pain and holds his eye.) Chandler: You okay there man? Joey: Yeah, I got too excited! Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.] Ross: All right, I gotta go. I'm taking Ben to the park. Phoebe: Ohh, give him a kiss for me! Ross: All right, bye! Monica: Bye! Phoebe: Bye! Ross: Later! (Exits.) Phoebe: (after he's gone) I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of that. I didn't mean to be so out there. I am furious with him! Chandler: Wow umm, calm down. Phoebe: I'm trying, but man that guy can push my buttons! Monica: Why are so mad at him? Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay? Monica: Well, it just seems that… Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking! Has anyone seem my list by the way? Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like? Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it. Joey: (entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle and guess what. (Pause, then very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!! Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?! Joey: It's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool! Yeah, umm, I meet this girl in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she disappears… But I find out where she lives and when I get there this like old lady answers the door and I say, "Where's Betsy?" Right? And she says, "Betsy's been dad for 10 years." Phoebe: Ohh-oh, chilling! Joey: And the best part is, we're filming in the desert outside Vegas! (To Chandler) And you know what that means buddy! Chandler: Yeah, I know that means buddy! Joey: Road trip! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just have to be there by Tuesday! Phoebe: Oh wait, my grandmother's dad. Chandler: Well, uh, we can talk about that too Pheebs. Phoebe: No! No, her cab! She probably won't be using it; you can drive it to Las Vegas. Joey: All right! Thanks Pheebs! Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job? Joey: Oh umm, not go. Chandler: All right, great, road trip baby! (To Monica) This okay with you? Monica: Chandler! You don't have to ask for my permission. (Quietly) You can go. Chandler: Thank you. Monica: Hey Rach, come on! We're gonna be late for the eye doctor appointment! Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) All right! Let's get this over with! Ugh! (She walks by the table and notices that no one is looking and accidentally on purpose knocks over the open cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She starts walking through the mess. {Also, notice the continuity error in this scene. Note the position of the box and dispersal pattern of the cereal before and after the camera cut.}) Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to reschedule! Monica: No. If you thought this mess is going to bother me, you are wrong! All right, let's go Blinky! (She ushers Rachel out the door, but before the door fully closes she sticks her head back in.) Chandler!!!! (Chandler agrees to clean up the mess.) [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a map as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Oh hey Joey! What's up? Joey: I can't decide which route to take to Vegas. Hey, you've traveled a lot right? Phoebe: Yeah, I've been around. Joey: Okay, so-so which route should I take the northern route or the southern route? Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees. {Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.} Joey: Great! Problem solved! Phoebe: But on the southern route there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe. Joey: Well, back to square one. Phoebe: Oh, I know a way that you can decide! All right, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can. Joey: (quickly) Yes! Phoebe: Good, but wait. Okay, all right, here we go. Now I want you to relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. (Quickly) Which do you like better peanut butter or egg whites? Joey: Peanut butter! Phoebe: Which would you rather be a fireman or a swimmer? Joey: A swimmer! Phoebe: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel? Joey: Monica. Oh… huh, I always thought it would be Rachel. Phoebe: No thinking! No thinking! Tie or ascot? Joey: Ascot! Phoebe: North route or south route? Joey: North route! Phoebe: Bamn! There you go! Huh? Joey: Wow! That was incredible! Beard of bees, here I come! Ross: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Oh, this guy again. (She ignores him.) Joey: Hey man, what's up? Ross: Uhh, not much. You guys want to see a movie tonight? Joey: Sure, what do you want to see? Ross: I don't know, umm… Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game! Phoebe: Umm, no thank you. (She gets up and moves to the couch. They were at a table previously.) Ross: What's with her? Joey: I don't know. But hey, I know we can decide. Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions and you answer real quick. Okay? Ross: Okay. Joey: What do you like better action or comedy? Ross: Action. Joey: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel? (Ross pauses and looks at him, Joey motions for him to hurry up.) Ross: Dude, you are sick. Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing. [Scene: Monica's eye doctor's office, Monica and Rachel are waiting in an exam room and looking at this big white thing used to check eyes. I have no idea what it is, and if an ophthalmologist happens to know what that is, let me know.] Rachel: Oh my God! What does that thing do? Monica: (looks at it more closely) Oh that's an eye removal machine. Rachel: All right, I'm outta here! Monica: I'm kidding! I'm kidding! (Rachel heads for the door but is intercepted by the doctor.) The Doctor: Hi Rachel! Rachel: Hey! The Doctor: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry everything's gonna be just fine. Rachel: So were done then! Dr. Miller: Almost! But first, we gotta start. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test. Rachel: Uh-huh. Dr. Miller: Sit down. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Miller: Put your chin here. (She does so.) Now, you'll feel a small puff of air in each eye. Rachel: (jerks back from the tester) What?! Monica: A small puff of air, now come on! Dr. Miller: Here we go. Rachel: All right. Dr. Miller: 1…2…3! (Rachel jerks back on 3.) Rachel: I'm sorry. All right, I'll just stay in here this time. (Puts her head back.) Okay. Dr. Miller: Ready? Rachel: Uh-huh. Dr. Miller: 1…2… (She flinches on 2 this time.) Monica: Y'know what, I'm gonna hold her head. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Miller: That's okay. Monica: Okay. (Monica backs off.) Rachel: Okay. Okay! Dr. Miller: 1…2! (She flinches again.) (Gives up.) Y'know what? You're young; you probably don't have glaucoma. Rachel: (really excited) Great!! It was very, very nice to meet you sir--Ow! Hey! What are you doing?! Are you crazy! (He took out that thing they use to look at people's retinas and looked at Rachel's when she was shaking his hand causing her to flinch and scream at him.) Dr. Miller: Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as good as new. Rachel: Yeah, no, I don't-I don't put things in my eye. Dr. Miller: Okay then, I guess we'll see you back here in three months. Rachel: Great! Dr. Miller: And I'll fit you for a glass eye. Rachel: Okay, just give me the damn drops! (Grabs them and storms out.) Monica: Dr. Miller? (She covers her right eye and reads from the chart) P E C F D. Dr. Miller: Very good Monica! You know where they are. Monica: I sure do! (She runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop.) (To Rachel) And you don't get one! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica, and Joey are there.] Rachel: Y'know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a 100% better. Monica: They're still in my coat. Rachel: Damn! Chandler: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey! You ready to go? Chandler: Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.) (Monica stares at him.) Chandler: What? Monica: I love you. {There's another continuity error here. Before Monica says I love you, Chandler's holding the vests so that you couldn't see the collar, you could see all three, and they were folding nicely. After she says the line and the camera cuts back to Chandler, you can only see two out of the three, you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks like it was folded sloppily, unlike before. Hey, you notice things while spending this much time on this!} Joey: Man, I wish Ross was coming with us! Y'know? I'm gonna miss him! Phoebe: Thanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of my mind! Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite? Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film y'know? So we don't have a real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room. Chandler: I see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing a big hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot? Joey: Oh yeah! For every dollar Shutter Speed makes, one penny of it goes right in Joey's pocket. Chandler: So you don't get paid unless the movie makes money? Joey: Did you not hear the plot of the movie? "She's been dad for ten years." I'm gonna be a millionaire! Ross: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey! Ross: I just wanna say good-bye to you guys and to see if you guys will place a little bet for me, huh? Twenty bucks on black 15. Joey: You got it! Ross: All right! (Joey nods to Chandler, no way!) Chandler: All right, bye-bye now! Phoebe: Bye! Rachel: Bye you guys! Joey: Bye-bye! Monica: I wanna say good-bye at the car! Chandler: Okay! Joey: Anybody want to say good-bye to me at the car? Rachel: Oh honey, I'll say good-bye to you at the car if you don't mind the puss. (Pause.) Joey: See ya! (Walks out.) Rachel: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It means it's healing! (Runs after him.) Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? (Phoebe ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away) Hello? (He sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.) Phoebe? (He moves closer and she keeps moving away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over the arm rest.) Come on! (He grabs the magazine away from her.) Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. Ross: Phoebe, are you, are you mad at me, or something? 'Cause if are please, tell me what it is I did! Phoebe: Well, if you don't know I can't help you. Ross: Well, I don't know. Phoebe: Well, I can't help you. Ross: Well, whatever it is I'm-I'm very, very sorry. Okay? Phoebe: Apology accepted. Ross: Okay. So we're, we're good? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Ross: All right. (Gets up.) I'll uh, I'll see you later, okay? Phoebe: (quietly) Bye, fat ass. Ross: ALL RIGHT!! Phoebe now come on! Will you please tell me what it is I did that mad you so mad at me! Phoebe: I don't know! I don't remember! Ross: Well if you can't remember, can't we just forget about this? Phoebe: Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about the fat ass thing. You actually have a very sweet little hiney. (Ross isn't sure what to do with that comment.) [Scene: Phoebe's cab, Joey and Chandler are headed across the George Washington bridge on their way to Las Vegas. Joey is driving.] Joey: Man, I'm getting pretty tired. You're might have to take over soon. Chandler: We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once. Joey: Don't worry, it's out there! (Just then a horn honks and Joey quickly looks at the road.) I think I just need lunch. Chandler: Yeah. Joey: You wanna eat? (Pulls out the twenty) My treat! Chandler: Isn't that Ross's money? Joey: Yeah. Okay. Ross's treat! Where do you wanna eat? Chandler: I don't know. Joey: Ooh, hey, I know how we can decide! All right, uh, I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. Okay? So uh, clear your mind Clear it right out! Clear it out! Clear! Chandler: Okay! Joey: Okay, uhh, would you rather be too wet or too dry? Chandler: Too dry. Joey: Do you believe in ghosts, yes or no? Chandler: No! Joey: Is this movie gonna be my big break? Chandler: No! Joey: (shocked) What?! Chandler: Yes. Joey: Dude you said, "No!" Chandler: I also said, "Yes!" Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big break for me? Chandler: No! (Realizes) Ahhh!!! Joey: I don't believe this! Chandler: Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to get your hopes up real high. Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie! Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie! Joey: Y'know what? I don't need this! Okay? I don't know why you're dumping all over my big break. Chandler: Joe, I don't think this is going to be your big break. Joey: Is that why you're on this trip, huh? Make me feel like a loser? 'Cause if it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-I'd rather be alone. Chandler: Oh, you don't want me on the trip? Joey: Not if you're gonna be like this! Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie. Joey: Yeah! I don't want you on the trip! Chandler: All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right now! Joey: Fine! (He slams on the brakes, stopping the car on the bridge to the sound of numerous car horns.) Get out! Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge. Joey: Get out!! Chandler: All right!! (Gets out and Joey speeds away.) Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here. Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there. Ross is trying to figure out why Phoebe's mad at him.] Ross: Okay, are you mad at me because my hair gel smells? Phoebe: No. Ross: Are you angry at me because I said your handwriting is childlike? Phoebe: No that made me feel precious. Monica: Oh, I know! Umm, is it because he's always correcting people's grammar? Whom! Whom! Sometimes it's who! Ross: Yeah? Sometimes it's… (Does the fist thing.) Rachel: Oh, did you bat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose. Ross: Okay, I'm the baby. (Points at his eye.) Rachel: Eh! Stop it! Chandler: (entering) Hey! Monica: Chandler! What are you doing here? Ross: Hey! Chandler: Joey kicked me out of the car on the George Washington bridge! All: Why?! Chandler: I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast. Phoebe: That game should not be played without my supervision. Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge. Phoebe: What's in the bag? Chandler: Oh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who wants the teddy bear with one leg? Phoebe: I do! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to apply her eye drops while Monica looks on.] Rachel: Okay. (She tilts her head back and squeezes the eyedropper. The only problem is, it's not over her eye.) Monica: Not even close. Rachel: Okay, then y'know what? Help me! I need help! I can't do this! Monica: Okay! All right! Let's do it! Rachel: All right! Monica: Sit down. (They sit down on the couch.) Rachel: All right. Monica: Put your head back. Rachel: Yes! Monica: All right. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Now, open your eyes. Rachel: Okay, they are. (No they're not.) Monica: How many fingers am I holding up? (She's not holding any up.) Rachel: (thinks) Four. Monica: Oh my God, I was thinking four. Rachel: Really?! Monica: Yes! All right, y'know what? Why don't we start with a practice run? Okay? Rachel: Okay! Monica: No drops! Rachel: Great! Monica: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Monica: On three, 1…2…3! (Rachel turns her head on three to avoid the drops.) Now my pillow's all wet! (She was trying to fool Rachel and squeezed the eyedropper.) Rachel: Well, well, you said it was practice! Monica: Then why did you move?! Rachel: Because I knew you were lying! Monica: All right, come here! (She gets up and drags Rachel off of the couch by her legs.) Rachel: (as she's being dragged) What are you? Monica!! Stop it!! Oh my God! Stop it! (Monica drags her totally onto the floor and on her back.) Monica: I am going… I'm going--Turn it over! (Rachel rolled onto her stomach and Monica rolls her back.) I'm… I am going to get these drops in your eyes. (She is holding Rachel down with both hands and has the eyedropper in her mouth.) Rachel: Oh my God! You really are freakishly strong! (Monica starts biting on the eyedropper, spraying the fluid all over. But Rachel keeps turning her head back and forth and Monica keeps missing.) Rachel: Monica! Stop it! Monica: (spitting out the eyedropper) Damn! It's empty! Rachel: Wow, y'know if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune! (Monica is straddling Rachel and holding her arms down. In a rather risqué pose, at least for primetime TV.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse, Phoebe and Monica are playing cards as the phone rings.] Phoebe: Ooh that is definitely Chandler, Joey, or Ross. (Thinks) Or-or Rachel! Monica: (answers the phone) Hello? (Listens.) (To Phoebe) It's Joey. (Phoebe's proud of herself.) (To Joey) I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened. Y'know he's really upset about it. Joey: (on a pay phone holding a box) Not as upset as he's gonna be when he finds out what I did with his sweater vests! Monica: What did you do to his sweater vests? Joey: Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio. Hey Monica listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car. Monica: Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second. (She hands the phone to Phoebe.) Phoebe: Hey, dude! Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat. What-what is it? Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the box away from him.) And thanks Joey she's having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.) Chandler: (who has just entered) Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him! I wanna talk to him! Phoebe: Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering… (We hear the dial tone as Joey hangs up.) Okay, I guess he ran out of change. Chandler: Y'know, he won't even talk to me. How am I going to apologize to him if he won't even talk to me? Monica: Well, maybe you should send him something. So that when he gets to Las Vegas he'll know that you're sorry. Chandler: That's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of prn… Phoebe: No, don't-don't say I'm sorry with prn! Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Y'know what you should send him? A cartoon of cigarettes. 'Cause that why he could trade it for protection. No. That's prison. Ross: (entering) Okay Pheebs, I know how we're going to figure this out. Okay, clear your mind and answer the first thing that comes into your head. Okay? Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Ross: What do you like better flora or fauna? Phoebe: Fauna. Ross: Who would you rather be Simon or Garfunkle? Phoebe: Garfunkle. Ross: Why are you mad at me? Phoebe: You said I was boring--Ohh! Ross: When did I say you were boring?! Phoebe: Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess! Ross: Phoebe! You and I have never played chess! Phoebe: Oh, come on! Yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! (Realizes) Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream. [Scene: The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is arriving and we hear the song, Name. Y'know, (singing) I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La…la…la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the idea. Anyhoo, he pulls up and stops. As he gets out of the car, he spills a huge pill of fast food containers out of the foot well.] Joey: Hey-hey! Stanley! Hey-hey! You're leading man is here! Let's get to work. Stanley: Umm, slight change of plans. We've shut down. Joey: Wh-what?! Why?! Stanley: It's a money thing, we don't have any. Joey: (laughs) You're kidding right? Stanley: No. Joey: What?! Stanley: It-it's probably just temporary. We're hoping to get some more money soon, so if could just uh, hang out. Joey: Uh, hang out?! How long? Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn up! People will always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya? Joey: No! Stanley: Eh, worth a sht. (Gets into his car.) Look Joey, let me know where you're staying, okay? (The car peels away.) (I think one of the grips walk up to Joey, mainly because there's a credit for The Grip. What the heck is a grip anyway?!) The Grip: Hey pal, are you Joey Tribbiani? Joey: Yeah. The Grip: These got left for ya. (He hands him a bunch of helium balloons.) Joey: Thanks. (The grip walks away.) (Reading the card.) Congratulations on your big break. (The rest of the crew start to drive away leaving Joey sad, alone, and holding his congratulatory balloons as the song comes up again. La-la-la. See, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the desert you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La-la-la, la, la, la…) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone is ringing.] Monica: (answering it) Hello? Joey: (on phone from Vegas) Hey Monica, it's Joey! Monica: Hey Joey! Aww, you remembered even though you're a big star! Joey: Aw, come on! It'll be years before I forget you! Monica: Joey, what's it like on a movie set, huh? Do you have a dressing room? Do you have a chair with your name on it? Joey: Uh, well yeah-yeah, I've got all of that going on. Yeah, listen uh, I want you to make sure you tell Chandler that he couldn't have been more wrong! Uh-oh! I gotta go Monica, my uh, my sushi's here! [Cut to Joey hanging up the phone in Vegas. He's wearing a Roman gladiator's uniform and goes over to join a family to pose for a picture. You see, he's apparently taken a job at Caesar's Palace.] Joey: (to the family) Sorry about that. Thanks for waitin'. The Husband: Okay! Joey: Everybody smile! (The picture is taken) Okay, thanks a lot! Enjoy your stay at Caesar's! We hope it's toga-rrific! (The family leaves.) kll me. kll me now. Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The gng is surrounding Rachel at key positions.] Ross: Hey Rach, can you pass me the TV Guide? Rachel: Yep! (As she moves to get it, Monica yells…) Monica: Go!! (Phoebe jumps to the floor as Ross tackles Rachel off of the couch. Chandler helps push Rachel onto the floor by jumping over the back of the couch. Phoebe grabs Rachel's head to hold it still and opens Rachel's eye as Monica jumps onto Chandler's back to administer the t*rture--I mean medicine.) Rachel: What?!! Stop it! Stop it! Oh my God! Monica: Okay! Okay! Okay! (She succeeds in getting the eye drops in and everyone climbs off of Rachel.) We'll see you in about 3 to 4 hours. Rachel: Oh! (She's trying to recover while still on the floor.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x22 - The One With Joey's Big Break"}	foreverdreaming
Part I Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Part II Written by: Greg Malins & Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in the living room and Phoebe is standing in the kitchen as the phone rings.] Rachel: Pheebs? Could you get that? Please? Phoebe: Why? Just 'cause you're too lazy to get up off your touchie? Rachel: No! No! It's just that all the people in the entire world that I want to talk to are right here. Phoebe: (smiles) Okay! (Goes to answer the phone.) Rachel: (under her breath) Sucker! Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Joey! [Cut to Las Vegas, Joey is on the phone and wearing his gladiator costume.] Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a favor? I forgot the pin number to my ATM card can, can you get it for me? Phoebe: Sure! Where is it? Joey: Uh, I scratched it on the ATM machine down on the corner. Phoebe: Ohh! So you're 5639?! Joey: That's it! Thanks Pheebs! [Cut to Monica and Rachel's] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: (to Joey) Ooh, do you want to talk to Chandler? Chandler: (To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods yes) Let me talk to him! [Cut to Joey] Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he didn't believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real! A Casino Boss: Hey! Tribbiani! Get back to work! Break time's over! [Cut to Phoebe] Phoebe: Who was that? Joey: Uhh, my stunt double. Yeah, and y'know, he's getting a little too familiar for my tastes. Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y'know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all week! If he's not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go down there and do it in person. [Cut to Joey] Joey: Uhh Pheebs, I heard that. Can you put him on? [Cut to Phoebe] Phoebe: Yeah! (She hands the phone to Chandler.) Chandler: (To Joey) Hey! [Cut to Joey] Joey: Don't come out here! [Cut to Chandler] Chandler: No-no-no-no, I've supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person! [Cut to Joey] Joey: I got that! I forgive ya! Don't come out here! [Cut to Chandler] Chandler: Forgive me? You haven't been taking my calls in a week! [Cut to Joey] Joey: Well, I'm totally over it Chandler. Friends forever! Don't come out here! A Tourist: (To Joey) Would you mind doing a picture with us? [Cut to Chandler] Chandler: Uh, what was that? [Cut to Joey] Joey: Uh, Entertainment Tonight. [Cut to Chandler] Yeah, okay so, good talking to ya and don't come out here. All right. (Hangs up the phone and poses for that picture.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.] Phoebe: Monica! I'm sorry I'm late! (Starts looking around for her) Monica? (Goes into Monica's bedroom.) Monica: (entering) Phoebe? (Phoebe comes back into the living room) Oh, Phoebe, I'm so sorry. Have you been here long? Phoebe: (saddened) It's okay. What the hell took you so long? Monica: Okay, you can not tell Chandler. Okay? That I ran into Richard. Phoebe: Which Richard? Monica: The Richard. Phoebe: Richard Simmons?! Oh my God! Monica: Noo! My ex-boyfriend Richard! Y'know the tall guy, moustache? Phoebe: Oh! Okay, that actually makes more sense. So how was it? Monica: It was, it was really nice. We started talking and I-I ended up having lunch with him. Phoebe: That is so weird! I had a dream that you'd have lunch with Richard. Monica: Really? Phoebe: But again, Simmons. Go on. Monica: The strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but I didn't feel anything at all! Phoebe: Ooh! So now why can't we tell Chandler? Monica: Because it would totally freak him out and tomorrow's our anniversary. I just don't want anything to spoil that. Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you guys lasted a whole year! Monica: I know. Phoebe: Wow! I owe Rachel 20 bucks! Monica: What? Phoebe: On a totally different bet. Chandler: (entering) Hey! Monica: It's almost our anniversary! Chandler: I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler. Phoebe: Awww! Now you're just my annoying friend Chandler. Chandler: Huh. Monica: I got you a present! Chandler: Oh, but it's not 'til tomorrow! Monica: I know, but you have to open it today! (Hands it too him.) Chandler: Okay. (He starts taking his time opening it. Finally Monica snaps.) Monica: (grabbing the gift from him and opening it) Okay! There you go! It's two tickets to Vegas! Chandler: Wow! Monica: For this weekend! Oh gosh, it would be perfect, we get to see Joey plus we get to start our anniversary celebration on the plane. We can call it out plane-aversary. Chandler: Do we have to? Monica: No. Chandler: Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn't want any of us out there. Monica: Oh, he just doesn't want us to go through any trouble. Think of how excited he'll be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get to have our own, ani-Vegas-ary! A-Nevadaversary! Chandler: Yeah, I think we should see other people. Monica: But we can go, right? Chandler: Yes. Monica: Okay! Chandler: It's a great idea. (They kiss) Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too! Chandler: Y'know Pheebs, it's kinda our (His and Monica's) anniversary. Phoebe: Oh please, you are not gonna ditch again like you did with London. Monica: Ditch you? Phoebe, you were pregnant with the triplets! Phoebe: Uh-huh, great story! I'm going! Rachel: (entering with Ross) Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey, you guys, listen, this weekend we're all gonna go to Las Vegas to surprise Joey! Including me!! You wanna go?! Rachel: Well, I guess I could take a couple days off work. Phoebe: Of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes me! Rachel: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I've got a presentation tomorrow. I can't miss that. Ross: Oh, but I've got tickets to the Van Gogh exhibit! I've been waiting like a year for this. Chandler: (coughing) Art lover! Ross: What'd you say? Chandler: I said art lover. Ross: Is that supposed to be an insult? Chandler: I don't know, I'm very tired. Ross: So Rach, maybe you and I could fly out together Saturday. Rachel: That sounds great. Ross: Yeah? All right I'll call the airlines. (Picks up the phone and does so) Rachel: Okay. Yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself for a night. Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you can walk around naked. Rachel: No! So I can be by myself. Y'know? Have a little alone time. Phoebe: Naked alone time. Rachel: No! Phoebe just because I'm alone doesn’t mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked. Phoebe: Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door? [Scene: An airplane cabin, Phoebe has the aisle seat, Chandler the window, and Monica's stuck in that horrible middle seat.] Phoebe: So, so far is this trip to Vegas better or worse than the trip to London? Chandler: So it's pretty much the same Pheebs. Phoebe: Okay, what about after I give you these candies? (Hands them each one from her purse.) Chandler: Yeah, I guess it's a little better now. Phoebe: Ah-ha! Okay, (takes out a notepad) Las Vegas 1, London 0! I'll be right back. (Gets up and heads aft.) Chandler: (To Monica) Happy plane-aversary. Monica: Aww! I love you! Chandler: Can I give you a present now? Monica: Okay! Chandler: Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Don’t tell me I did this! Monica: I love the "I forgot the present" fake out! Chandler: How do you feel about the, "I really did forgot the present, please forgive me" not fake out? Monica: Oh that's okay. Don’t worry about it, you can give it to me when we get back. Chandler: Ohh that's the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary ever! Phoebe: (sitting down) Oh good! All right, so you decided to tell him about the Richard thing. Chandler: What-what Richard thing? Phoebe: Oh no. [The patented version.] Chandler: What Richard thing? Phoebe: (To Monica under her breath) Simmons! Go with Simmons! Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary. Chandler: (talking out of the side of his mouth) I'm not mad. Monica: Really?! Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite! It's no big deal. (He still ain't happy.) Monica: Great! (Pause.) Phoebe: Okay, London 1… [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network primetime programming, we didn't see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes she didn't have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a little while and…] Rachel: (takes off her robe) Oh! Look what happened! {Don't get your hopes up guys, we only get to see her from the back or from the neck up. Its times like these I wish that the networks would broadcast some nudity other than Denis Franz's butt.} (In her head.) Huh, check me out! I'm in my kitchen…naked! I'm picking up an orange. (Does so) I'm naked! (Goes into the living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and carefully. (She backs anything that might have a point like a candle on her body away.) [Cut to Ross's apartment, he's sitting by his window looking at an art book. As he's turning the page, he glances up and notices something.] Ross: (in his head) Oh my God! That's Rachel naked! I can't look at that! I am looking at this. (Looks back at his book.) Okay, vivid colors, expressive brush strokes—Unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight. Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You're being silly! Or, am I? [Cut back to Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing while facing the big picture window. Y'know, I think I'd pay real good money to be on the other side of that window!] Rachel: (singing) Love to love ya baby! Ow! Love to love ya baby! Ow! (There's a knock on the door, she turns off the music, puts on her robe, and goes to answer the door.) Love to love ya, baby! (There's another knock.) Darnit! (Looks through the peephole and turns on the lights.) Ugh. (She opens the door to Ross who's leaning against the door jam.) Ross: Hey. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the scene is continued from where we left off before the break.] Ross: May I come in? Rachel: Uh, yeah, if you want too. Ross: Do you want me too? Rachel: Yeah, sure? Ross: So do I. (Slowly walks in.) Okay Rach, before anything happens (He takes off his coat) I just want to lay down a couple of ground rules. (Turns back to face her.) This is just about tonight. I don't to go through with this if it's going to raise the question of "Us." (Rachel's confused) Okay? I just want this to be (Kicks off his left shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.) Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross? Ross: The physical act of love. (Hisses at her.) Rachel: (laughs) What?! Are you crazy? Ross: Oh so-so you weren't trying to entice me just now with your-your nakedness? Rachel: (gasps) Oh God, you saw me?! Oh! Ross: You weren't trying to entice me with your nakedness. Rachel: Noo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with you?! Ross: No! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other one and heads for the door.) Rachel: Ohh wow! I’m sorry, but Ross you kicked off your shoes! Ross: Can we, can we just forget this ever happened? Rachel: Yes of course, absolutely! You're right. I'm sorry. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: Yes. Ross: All right I guess I'm, gonna go pack. (Starts to leave) Rachel: Okay. Oh wait! One more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh settle the question of "us?" (Ross storms off embarrassed.) [Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shts of Vegas, the Strip, slot machines, a couple other gaming tables all set to the tune of you guessed it, Money. Anyhoo, we finally get through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe enter Caesar's Palace carrying their luggage.] Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! (Catches up to them.) This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh! Monica: Phoebe, you don't eat animals. Phoebe: For 99 cents, I'd eat you. (Sees the casino) Okay, I can totally settle down here. It's got everything I could ever want, including Joey! Look! (Points to Joey in his gladiator suit posing for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hi! Chandler: Oh my God. Phoebe: Hey! Joey! (They all head over to him, he spots them coming and panics.) Hey! Hey!! Wow! (She hugs him.) Joey: Hi! Chandler: Love your condoms my man. Joey: What-what are you guys doing here? I thought I told you not to come. Phoebe: Why are you dressed as a gladiator? Joey: Uhh, because I'm shting a scene right now. Yeah, I uh, I play a gladiator. Uh, y'know what? Hold-hold on a second. (To no one in particular) Can we cut? Yeah, my-my friends are here, I'm gonna take a little break. Monica: Who are you talking too? Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him. Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it's not a gladiator movie. I work here. Chandler: Why?! What happened?! Joey: Well, the movie got shutdown because they ran out of money, so I'm working here 'til it starts up again, if it ever does. Monica: I'm so sorry. Joey: Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell ya. (To Chandler) I'm sorry man. Chandler: No-no, that's okay, apparently there's a new policy where we don't have to share everything with everybody. Monica: I knew you were not okay with that. Phoebe: So you're a gladiator! Wow! Joey: Yeah, what-what's going on? Phoebe: Monica had lunch with Richard. Joey: Dawson?! Phoebe: Noo! But that would've been so cool! Chandler: No! Her boyfriend Richard! Monica: It meant nothing! Okay? After all this time, how can you not trust me? Chandler: When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don't tell me about it! Monica: You're right. I'm sorry. I should've told you. Chandler: Thanks. (They hug.) Joey: Aww, there we go. Phoebe: I love Vegas! Monica: I promise you, next time I will absolutely tell you. Chandler: (pushing her away from another hug) Next time? Joey: Ooh, so close. Chandler: There's not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again! Monica: I can not see him? I mean, you can't tell me what to do! Chandler: That's so funny, because I think I just did! Monica: Oh y'know what? If you're gonna be acting like this all night, I really, I don't even want to be around you. Chandler: Fine with me! Monica: Fine! Happy Anniversary! Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously just a big misunderstanding. Monica: No it is not! Chandler: What are you talking… Joey: Hey-hey don't look at me! I just work here! (Walks away.) [Scene: An aircraft cabin, Ross and Rachel are on their way to Vegas.] Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm, Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love. Ross: (sarcastic) Yep! That's hilarious! Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done. Ross: Y'know, last night was embarrassing for you too. Rachel: No, not really. I mean you've seen me naked hundreds of times. Ross: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building. Rachel: Okay. All right, that's true! But y'know I just don't embarrass that easily. Ross: What?! You totally get embarrassed! Rachel: No, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are. Ross: Is that so? Rachel: Yeah. (Pause.) Ross: (loudly so that everyone can hear) Hey lady! I don't care how much you want it! Okay?! I am not gonna to have sex with you in the bathroom! (Rachel sinks lower on her chair trying to hide.) [Scene: Chandler's hotel room, he's sitting there with Joey who's talking about his helmet and running his hand through that feathery thing at the top.] Joey: Hey, y'know in Roman times this was more than just a hat. Chandler: Really? Joey: Yeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! They would use it to get the mud off their shoe. And sometimes underneath the horse would get dirty so they would stick it right… Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary. Joey: All right well, I'll take you someplace nice then. Look! A guy tipped me a hundred bucks today. Chandler: Whoa! Joey: Yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. Can you believe that? $5,000! Chandler: Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, y'know build up my upper body and ht Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.) Joey: Wait a minute! Why don't I do what that guy did? I'll take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! And then I'll turn that into enough money to get my movie going again! Chandler: Good luck! Joey: Chandler! I don't need luck. I have thought this through! Chandler: I see. (Joey exits as Chandler shakes his head.) Commercial Break [Scene: The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton's signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the background.] Monica: (to the bartender) Thank you. Phoebe: Thanks. Monica: I can't believe this! This is like the worst night ever! Phoebe: Y'know Monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big deal! It's only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares at her.) I am so sorry. Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid argument. I don't even wanna see Richard again. Phoebe: So go fix it! Go find Chandler! He's probably up in your room! Tell him that you're sorry and that you love him. Monica: Y'know what? You're right Phoebe. You're right. Thank you! (Gets up to find Chandler.) Phoebe: Sure! (When Monica gets close to the door.) (Yelling) Yeah! Las Vegas, number one! [Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it past the craps table when she notices a chip on the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.] Monica: Anybody lose this? (Holds up the chip and the woman next to her shakes her head no.) The Croupier: Comin' out. Place your bet. (Monica does so.) Dice are out. (The woman next to Monica rolls the dice.) Double or nothin'! Pay the front line! (Monica won and doubled the chip.) Monica: Hmm. [Scene: An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are both reading as a guy stops by their row.] Guy: (To Rachel) So uh, I'm on my way back to the bathroom. (Ross giggles.) Rachel: Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep walkin'! All right? (Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.) Rachel: Ross! What are you… I'm sorry sir. I just, I think he just really likes you. [Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.] Ross: (to the guy in the window seat next to him) Hey! Y'know that teacher who had a baby with her student? (He points at Rachel.) [Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button, takes Ross's drink, and spills it into his lap.] Ross: What the? What… Rachel: (to the flight attendant who appears in record time. It was only seconds after Rachel pushed the call button was she there. Once again, more proof that TV isn't real, IRL she would've been waiting for the rest of the flight and by then Ross's pants would be dry.) Hi! The Flight Attendant: Miss? May I help you? Rachel: Yes, I'm sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend seems to have had a little accident. [Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Joey is approaching one of the blackjack tables on his quest to make enough money for his movie.] Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.) Blackjack Dealer: Changing one hundred! (Gives him the change.) Good luck sir. Joey: (betting all 100) Let's ride. Blackjack Dealer: (Deals the cards) 13. Joey: ht me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer's hand.) [Cut to Chandler's room, Joey is relaying to Chandler his amazing discovery.] Joey: Chandler! You are not gonna believe this! I have found my identical hand twin! Chandler: (totally confused) What? Joey: My identical hand twin! Chandler: What's an identical hand twin? Joey: What's it sound like? It's a guy with my identical hands! It was incredible! Chandler, the dealer's hands were exactly like me! It-it was like looking at my hands in a mirror! Chandler: Are you sure you weren't (pause) looking at your hands in a mirror? Joey: Don’t you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie. I'm gonna be a millionaire! Chandler: (totally confused) How? Joey: Look, I don't have it all worked out yet, but it's gotta mean big money! Come on! Identical hands! Chandler: Again I must go back to, how? Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh? Chandler: (Pause) Y'know, I-I can't really put a price on that Joe. Joey: Hey, are you unsupporting me again? Chandler: No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn't, I didn't get it right away. Y'know now I'm caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-dollar idea! (Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.) Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Pheebs!! Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: I found my identical hand twin! Phoebe: Ohh, you are so lucky! (To Chandler) Hey! So, where's Monica? Did you guys make up? Chandler: No! Phoebe: But she just came up here! Chandler: That was Joey! Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird. Chandler: Yeah, well, she's probably talking to Richard. Phoebe: Would you stop that! Do you wanna know the first thing she said when she came back from her lunch with Richard? She didn't feel anything for him. She loves you! Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Yes! Now, she feels terrible! She really wants to make up! You gotta find her. Chandler: Okay. (He gets up and goes to find her.) Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey's gladiator helmet and checks herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats! [Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones's signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos… They're in Vegas people! Catch up!) It's Not Unusual, y'know, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone! But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry! I wanna die." Well, while that's playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.] [Scene: That same plane cabin, Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly gets an idea. An evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse, the plane has landed and everyone is disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone.] The Flight Attendant: (to another passenger) Welcome to Las Vegas. (Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross's evil plan. He has drawn a moustache and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores it.) The Flight Attendant: (To Rachel) Thank you! (Not sure of herself) Enjoy your flight? Rachel: Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent. (Disembarks) The Flight Attendant: (To Ross) Hope you had a nice flight. Ross: Ohh, it was the best! Commercial Break [Scene: The casino, Ross and Rachel are entering.] Ross: I think the check in is that way. (Points) Rachel: Ahh. (A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts laughing.) Rachel: Hello! (She makes a face and the kid laughs harder. Finally, his parents drag him off.) Ohh, kids love me. Phoebe: (sees Ross and Rachel) Hey! Ross: Phoebe! (They hug.) Phoebe: You guys are here! Yay! Rachel: Hi! (Hugs Phoebe) Phoebe: (sees Rachel's face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you're Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.) Rachel: Pancho Vila? Phoebe: Yeah! (Motions to her face, indicating all of Rachel's "make-up.") Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don't… (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?! Ross: Hey, you wet my pants! Phoebe: Whoa, what kind of party was this? Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I can—you have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom) Ross: Rach! Wait! The men's room is that way. (Points in the other direction. Rachel hits him with her purse and heads for the ladies room.) (The old lady at Phoebe's machine wins. Phoebe turns around in shock.) Phoebe: Ugh! Ross: What? Phoebe: That's like the third time that lady's won on a machine I was playing. Ross: Oooohhh, I'll bet she's one of those people. Phoebe: M-M-Mole people? Ross: What? No-no, a lurker. Phoebe: Oh. What's a lurker? Ross: Okay when you're playing a machine and it hasn't paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up and then… Phoebe: Kills you? Ross: No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot. Phoebe: Ohhh! Ross: Uh-hmm. Phoebe: How do you know about this? Ross: My nana used to do it. That's how she paid for all my dance—karate lessons. Phoebe: Dance karate? Ross: Yes, it's a deadly but beautiful sport. (Does a karate chop, then does a little dance-type sway.) Rachel: (returning with her purse covering her face) All right, it won't come off! Ross: What?! Rachel: It won't come off! Ross: Oh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you sure? Rachel: No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on. Joey: (entering) Hey-hey-hey you made it! Ross: Joey!! Joey: All right! Hey-hey! Rachel: Hi!! Joey: Who's your friend? He's hot! (Ross laughs and Rachel smacks him with her purse.) Ross: (To Joey) Thanks man. Rachel: Hi. (She hugs Joey.) Ross: Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry about the movie. Joey: No, don't be sorry. I don't need it anymore. I found my identical hand twin! Ross: Your what? Joey: My identical hand twin! The person whose hands are exactly like mine! This thing is a gold mine! Ross: What?! That's not gonna make you any money! Joey: Okay. Well, if that's how you feel about it, fine! None of you get to live with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the thumb. [Scene: The craps table, Monica is on a big roll.] Monica: All right baby, come on! (Rolls the dice) Yes! Yes! I am on fre! Chandler: (walking by with his luggage) See you later Mon. Monica: Wait Chandler, what are you doing?! Chandler: What does it look like? I'm going home. Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! I’m sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don't want me to see Richard again, I won't! He means nothing to me! Chandler: Come on! I was there! (He's propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he's the love of your life. Monica: Not any more. Chandler: Really?! Monica: Really! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let's forget about this going home stuff and celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Okay, this is empty. Chandler: Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing. [Scene: A blackjack table, it's the same one Joey's hand twin was working at, only he's not there anymore and has been replaced by a beautiful woman.] Joey: (entering) Uhh, hey. Where's the other guy? The Woman Dealer: Which guy? Joey: He's kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks exactly like this. (Holds up his hand.) See? The Woman Dealer: I don't know about the hands, but the guy that was here before me just went to the bathroom. Joey: Okay! (Walks away, then turns back.) How you doin'? The Woman Dealer: Very busy. Joey: Right! Okay. (Heads for the bathroom.) [Scene: Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn't they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it's just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer's at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn't and it's just one of those things TV writers just don't explain. Anyhoo…] Ross: (on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my friend's face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache. (Listens and laughs) Thank you. (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) No, she didn't think so. (Listens) I know it's like (turns and sees Rachel staring at him and quickly changes the subject) anyway, umm well make-up didn't cover it and we've tried everything to get it off and nothing's worked. What-what do we do? (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Oh! Okay. (Listens) Okay, thank you! (Rachel gets excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the phone) Yeah, it's not coming off. Rachel: What?! What else did he say? Ross: Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So…(Rachel stares at him.) Okay, look-look umm, let's just go downstairs, we'll have some fun, and you will forget all about it. Rachel: Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this! Ross: Oh, come on! Rach, it's-it's not that bad. Rachel: Ross, I am a human doodle!! Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you shouldn't have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons…of…freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear! (They both exit.) [Time lapse, they're both entering.] Ross: Okay, there was some staring and pointing. Rachel: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a beeline for the mini-bar.) Ross: Oh, hey y'know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it's all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big drink! Rachel: (she's finished reliving the fridge of its entire alcohol content.) Macadamia nut? Ross: (looking at the price list) Umm… Wow! That's-that's some pricey nut! Rachel: Hm-mmm! (Opens the container) Ross: Really like those Macadamia nuts, huh? Rachel: Nope! (She puts one in her mouth and spits it out, then does it again in another direction.) [Scene: The casino, Phoebe is playing on a slot machine. Suddenly the lurker sticks her head around the aisle of slot machines.] Phoebe: (seeing her) Get out of here you lurker! (She doesn't move) Go on! Get! (She throws a quarter at her.) Chandler: (arm-in-arm with Monica) Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Ohh! You made up! Monica: Yeah, I couldn't be mad at him for too long. Chandler: Yeah, she couldn't live without the Chan Love. (They start kissing.) Phoebe: Ohh, get a room. Monica: We have one. Phoebe: I know. Use it. [Scene: The Men's room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.] Joey: Oh-oh-oh, yeah! (He grabs some towels and takes them to him.) That's right, you take good care of those babies! Joey's Hand Twin: Excuse me? Joey: It's me, Joey! Joey's Hand Twin: Do I know you? Joey: (holds up his hand) Joey! Joey's Hand Twin: Oh-ho, yeah. Yeah, the hand guy. Joey: Okay, so what are we going to do about this hand twin thing?! Joey's Hand Twin: Nothing? Joey: Look, you and I have been given a gift. Okay? We have to do something with it. Like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA's gonna wanna talk to us! Joey's Hand Twin: (tries to leave) I have to get back to… Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show! Y'know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand! Joey's Hand Twin: That's okay. (Walks out.) Joey: (following him) But you haven't even heard the chorus! [Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, Ross is drinking a beer while Rachel is examining herself in the mirror.] Rachel: Oh my God, I'm starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel. Ross: (gets up) All right. Y'know what? We don’t have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come on, come on, we'll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13. Rachel: ht me! Ross: (does so) Oohh, 23. (Rachel looks at him.) Which is what we play to at this casino! You win 10 dollars! (Holds out a ten.) Rachel: I bet 20. Ross: You're right! (Gives her the twenty she won.) [Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler's with her and she has a huge crowd of people around.] Monica: (shaking the dice) A new pair of shoes for the Chan-Chan man! (Rolls the dice.) Yes! Chandler: Yes! I've-I've never seen a roll like this in my life! Monica: That's right baby! Okay, what do I want now? Chandler: Okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6? Monica: Pick a number! That is your only job! Chandler: 8. 8! Monica: Thank you! Chandler: If you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner! All: Yay!! The Croupier: 8! Monica: Yes! All: Yay!! Monica: (To Chandler) We're not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we? Chandler: Noo! Monica: Okay, good! Okay, what do I want now? Chandler: Ahh, ooh, try a hard 8. Monica: What? Chandler: Two fours. Monica: Okay. (Rolls the dice) The Croupier: 8!: A Drunken Gambler: (To Chandler) Don't you let her go! You're a lucky guy! Chandler: Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place. Monica: All right, biggest suite in the place. Come on! (Rolls the dice.) Chandler: (sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can't even remember what we were fighting about! Monica: Oh, that's because I had lunch with Rich—Me neither! Okay, what do I want now? Chandler: Another hard 8. Monica: Hard 8?! We should call it easy 8! Chandler: Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight. Drunken Gambler: Go! Come on! Roll! All: Roll-roll!! Monica: Shut up!! It just got interesting! Commercial Break [Scene: The Craps table, continued from earlier.] Monica: What did you just say? Chandler: You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight. Monica: Are you serious?! Chandler: Yes! I love you! I've never loved anybody as much as I love you. Monica: I've never loved anybody as much as I love you. Chandler: Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must've been some movie I saw.} What do you say? Monica: Okay! Chandler: Okay! Come on! Let's go! All right! (She rolls the dice, but one bounces out of the table.) Chandler: (spots one) Okay! That's a four! And where-where's the other one? Drunken Gambler: It went under the table. Monica: Nobody move! (To Chandler) Okay, you look that way; I'll look this way! Chandler: All right! (He searches to his right; she searches to her left. They're both on their hands and knees when they spot the die. It's propped up against the table leg, and it's not lying flat. Both the four and the five are showing.) Chandler: Here it is! Here it is! Monica: That could be a four or a five. It's your call. (Pause.) Chandler: It's a four. Monica: I think so too. (Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time I think it's Perry Como, but I'm not sure. It's Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!) [Scene: The slot machines, Phoebe is still feeding quarters into the one-armed bandit as the lurker peeks over the top of the machines.] Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That's it! You and me, outside! The Lurker: I don't want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond hair! (They start smacking each other's cups, but Phoebe notices a security guard approaching.) Phoebe: Be cool! (They both pretend to have a nice conversation as the guard walks by, but after he leaves they both start fighting again.) Okay lady, your lurking days are over! The Lurker: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I'll be on your ass every hour of every day 'til Monday, because that's when I go home. When do you leave? The Lurker: Also Monday. Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab! [Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, they've pretty much consumed the entire mini-bar. Needless to say, they're feeling no pain and are still playing blackjack.] Rachel: ht me. (He does so.) ht me. (He does so.) ht me. (He does so.) ht me. (He does so.) ht me. (He does so.) ht me. (He does so.) ht me. (She slows down with each one.) Ross: (runs out of cards) We need more cards. Rachel: Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but stumbles a little bit.) Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up, without dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y'know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial! (They both start laughing. There's a knock on the door.) Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets up to answer it.) Joey: Hey! Ross: Ohh, it's Joey! I love Joey! (Hugs him.) Rachel: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! (Goes and hugs Joey.) Joey: Hi! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate! Ross: I'll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I'm your man. (He starts to sit down on the bed. There's one problem though, he's about two feet to the left of it. Needless to say, he misses and falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-whoa! Are you, are you okay? Joey: Yeah! I'm fine! Thanks! (He starts to leave, but gets an idea and stops.) Hey Rach, how you doin'? Rachel: I'm doin' good, baby. How you doin'? Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore! (Exits) Ross: Ohh, here's that Macadamia nut! Rachel: Ohhh!! Ross: (he puts it in his mouth) Nope! Something else. (Throws it back under the bed.) Rachel: Oops! All right, so what do you want to do now? Ross: I wanna get out of the room! Y'know, I…I really miss downstairs. Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There's only one way I'm leaving this hotel room. [Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.] Ross: Well hello! I'm Ross! Rachel: Good luck to ya! Ross: Excuse me sir, you've got a little something right here. (He points to the corner of his mouth and they both laugh.) (They've made their way to the statue of the naked man that Chandler was leaning against earlier.) Rachel: Wow! Ross: (bowing) Hello! Rachel: (bowing) Hello! Ross and Rachel: (bowing) Hello! (They both continue on and Ross meows like a cat.) [Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker's position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.] Phoebe: I won! I won! I finally won! The Lurker: I won! That was my quarter! Phoebe: Fine! Here! Take a hike toots! (Gives back her quarter.) (The security guard approaches.) The Lurker: (to the guard) Excuse me, sir! This lady played my quarter, this is my money. (Motions to the jackpot.) The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Is that true miss? Phoebe: (quietly) Sells drugs to kids. The Security Guard: What?! Phoebe: She sells drugs to kids. (The guard looks at the lurker.) The Lurker: It was my quarter! The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Was it her quarter? Phoebe: How about we talk about this over dinner? The Security Guard: Okay lady, you're out of here. Phoebe: No! No, you can't arrest me! No!! I won't go back! I won't go back to that hell hole!! The Security Guard: I'm just taking you outside! Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks out.) [Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.] Monica: Okay, come on, I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new. Monica: You're so efficient. I love you! Chandler: Let's go! (Starts to leave.) Monica: No-no-no! We need something old! Chandler: Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I've had since I was twelve. Monica: That'll work! Chandler: I don't think so. Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed! Chandler: (looks around) Here just…take this. (Hands her the sweater.) Monica: That's stealing! Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress. (She does so and it makes her look pregnant.) Monica: Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.) Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.) [Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who's dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! "Join me, and together we'll rule the universe as father and son!" (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in there—Ooh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don't have to see it!)] Joey: (sitting down) Ahhh! (Slides his hands across the table.) Joey's Hand Twin: Are you gonna play? Joey: No-no, I don't really have any money. Not yet, anyway… (Shakes his hands.) Joey's Hand Twin: You can't sit here if you're not gonna play. Joey: (throws down a small wad of money, and as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once again brings attention to their special gift to the world. {Y'know, looking at it now, they really don't have that similar of hands. Joey's are bigger.}) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him and he stops.) Phoebe: (entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I'm a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must've left it in conference room B. Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) 14. Joey: h*t me! (He does so.) Phoebe: Oh my God! May I just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! They're identical! Now, I've never seen anything like that in the business world. Joey's Hand Twin: Stop it! Joey: Uhh, Ms. Phalange, may I ask you a question as an impartial person at-at this table? Joey's Hand Twin: Please stop it! Joey: Wouldn't you pay good money to see these identical hands showcased in some type of a uh, entertainment venue? Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it too you! (The security guard from before approaches and Phoebe tries to turn her back on him.) The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Didn't I just throw you out of here? Phoebe: No, you threw out Phoebe. I'm Ms. Regina Phalange. Phalange! The Security Guard: Come on, lady! (Starts to escort her out.) Joey's Hand Twin: Please, please take him too. (Motions to Joey.) Joey: Me?! Oh come on, man! You can't do this! Come on! (Being dragged out by the guard) I'm your hand twin!! [Scene: A Little White Chapel, Chandler and Monica are entering.] Chandler: Hello! One marriage please! Monica: Yep, we wanna get married! The Attendant: Well, there's a service in progress. Have a seat. Chandler and Monica: All right. (They both sit down.) Chandler: (singing) Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: Oh, that's The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out? Monica: No, only because that's the graduation song. (The real Wedding March begins playing from behind the closed doors of the chapel.) Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married! Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this? (Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!) Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.) Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.) (They storm out into the street.) Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay! (She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck as The King's (Elvis Presley to the yougin's) Viva, Las Vegas begins to play. Sing along with me now, "Viva! Las Vegas! Vivaaaaaa! Vivaaaaa! Las Vegassssss!!" Fade to Black.) Ending Credits	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "05x23 - 05x24 - The One In Vegas"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Adam Chase Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: The Wedding Chapel, continued from last season. Chandler and Monica are about to get married.] Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married! Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this? (Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!) Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.) Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.) (They storm out into the street.) Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay! (She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.) Monica: Whoa! Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Come on Pheebs! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Phoebe: Okay! Okay! Okay! (They run into the chapel.) (Chandler and Monica are stunned again.) Chandler: Oh my God!! Is everybody getting married?!! (Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards the street.) Attendant: (scolding them) N-No running in the chapel! Phoebe: (to her) Hey! Don’t you give me any of your—Hey! (Sees Chandler and Monica standing there.) Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Monica: What are you guys doing here? Joey: Ross and Rachel left us a message saying they were getting married! Isn’t that why you guys are here? Chandler: Yes! Well that-yes. Monica: Why else would we be here? Joey: Well! What happened?! Did we miss it? Chandler: We actually missed it. Phoebe: Well, maybe you wouldn’t have had you (turns to the attendant) run in the chapel! Monica: This is insane! Phoebe: What’s the big deal, y’know? It’s not like it’s a real marriage. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you’re only married in Vegas. Monica: What are you talking about? If you get married in Vegas you’re married everywhere. Phoebe: (shocked) Really?! Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: Oh my God!—Eh! Well… Opening Credits {Transciber’s note: In case you haven’t heard, Courteney Cox got married to David Arquette during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney Cox Arquette. But David was a busy boy during the off season for not only did he marry but everyone else as well. For they’re all listed as Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow Arquette, in an interesting twist Matt LeBlanc Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David Schwimmer Arquette, and even the creators of the show are now David Crane Arquette and Marta Kauffman Arquette. I just wonder what the new sleeping arrangements are…} [Scene: Rachel’s hotel room, she’s waking up with a horrendous hangover.] Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and groans.) (Suddenly, there’s movement beside her, startling her. It’s Ross! He wakes up and they both start screaming in terror. Then they both grab their heads having aggravated their hangovers.) Ross: Why are we in bed together? Rachel: I don’t know. Do-do you have any clothes on? Ross: (checks) Yeah. Rachel: Really?! Ross: No! But we-we didn’t have…sex-uh, did we? I mean, I don’t remember much about last night, it was such a blur. Rachel: Oh! I remember laughing! I laughed a lot. Ross: And we didn’t have sex. (Rachel agrees with him and starts to get out of bed.) Rachel: Ohh, I mean, we were really drunk. I’m just glad we didn’t do anything stupid. Ross: (getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on the edge of the bed and has "Just Married" written on his back.) [Scene: The breakfast buffet, Phoebe is already sitting at the table as Joey enters.] Joey: Mornin’ Pheebs. (Sits down.) Well, my movie has officially been canceled. Phoebe: Oh Joey, I’m so sorry. You want some of my breakfast? Joey: Nah, I’m too depressed to eat. I’ll probably eat in like 5 minutes. So I guess I’ll just fly home with you guys, what time’s your flight? Phoebe: What about my cab? Joey: I don’t need that anymore. Phoebe: No, Joey! You borrowed my cab; you have to drive it back. Joey: I don’t want to drive all the way back by myself, I get so lonely. (Gets an idea.) Oh—ooh! How about you come with me? Phoebe: I don’t know, it’s such a long trip. Joey: It’ll be great! We-we could talk, and play games! Huh? This could be our chance to like renew our friendship. Phoebe: Are you asking me to have a frenaissance? Joey: Sure? Phoebe: All right. Although I don’t think we need one, I never stopped loving you. (Chandler and Monica enter.) Chandler: Hi! Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Chandler: So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet? Phoebe: Um-hmm, yeah. They left me a message; they should be here any minute. Joey: Where is the waitress?! I’m starving! Chandler: It’s a buffet man. Joey: Oh, here’s where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the buffet table with Chandler in tow.) Chandler: Listen, I gotta talk to you. Joey: Sure! What’s up? (He grabs a plate and proceeds to load it with a huge pile of scrambled eggs. Chandler just stares at him and Joey reluctantly gives him a spoonful.) Chandler: Monica and I almost got married last night. Joey: Oh my God! That’s huge! (Hugs him.) Wait a minute, why come I wasn’t invited? And who was going to be your best man? Don’t say, "Ross." Do not say, "Ross." Chandler: Look, I just don’t think Monica and I are ready to get married yet! Y’know? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast. Y’know? And, how do I tell her without crushing her? Joey: Oh! Tell her she’s not marriage material. Chandler: What?! Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if she’s anything like me, she’s just gonna be relieved. [Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same conversation.] Monica: How do I tell Chandler that it’s too soon. It’s gonna break his heart, he’s not gonna think that I don’t love him anymore. Phoebe: Well you don’t. Monica: Yes I do! Phoebe: Good! Good! I was just testing you. Chandler: (returning with Joey) Hi. Monica: Oh hi! Hi! Y’know, we were just talking about bacon. Phoebe: No, we were talking about tennis. Tennis is more believable. (Ross and Rachel enter.) Ross: Hey! The Girls: Hey! Chandler: Hey! (They both sit down and Rachel pours them both some coffee. They’re acting like nothing’s happened and everyone is just staring at them.) Ross: What? Chandler: Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or… Rachel: (To Ross) I don’t know. (To the gng.) What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing uh, happened last night. Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: Uh-huh! Ross invited us all to watch. (Rachel turns to Ross stunned.) Monica: Rach! We weren’t gonna miss our friends getting married! Rachel: (gasps) Who got married?! (Ross is as surprised to hear this as she is.) Chandler: (not quite sure) You did. Ross: What?! Hello! We didn’t get married. Rachel: No, we didn’t get married! That’s ridiculous! (They turn to look at each other and suddenly remember that they did in fact get married.) Ross: We-we-we—I remember being in a chapel. Rachel: Oh my God. Ross: I—They would not let us get married when we were that drunk! Rachel: No! Joey: They let you get married when you’re drunk! Most people who get married in Vegas are drunk! Phoebe: Hell, I’m drunk right now! (They all turn and look at her.) What? I can’t have a mimosa with breakfast?! I’m on vacation! Monica: What are you guys gonna do? Rachel: Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer? (Looks at Ross.) Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this one’s free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third one’s free. Ross: Laugh it up, but the joke’s on you. Because we don’t need to get divorced, okay? We we’re just gonna get an annulment. Joey: An annulment? Ross! I don’t think surgery’s the answer here. Phoebe: Oh-oh, that’s your thing. Ross: What? Phoebe: You’re thing. You’re thing. Y’know? You’re the guy who gets divorced. All: Oh yeah! Ross: No-no, that’s-that’s not my thing! I do not love getting divorced! Phoebe: Yes you do! This is your third divorce! You love divorce so much you’re probably gonna marry it! Then it won’t work out and you’re gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy. (Pause) I’m so drunk. [Scene: The casino floor, Chandler and Monica are walking through it.] Monica: So, what do you think we should do? Chandler: I don’t know. But I-I-I know I love you! Monica: I know I love you! (They hug.) Chandler: So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you. Monica: That’s a good question. Look umm, last night we let the dice decide. Maybe we should leave it up to fate again. I love you! Chandler: Yes, we don’t get married unless there’s a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then there’s a definite sign that we should get married. Monica: All right, eight we get married, but 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12 we don’t get married. Chandler: Sounds great. Monica: Okay. (They approach the craps table.) Croupler: Coming in, we got a sht! Money please. Monica: Ready? Chandler: Ready! Monica: (sarcastic) Come on eight. Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, yes eight. (Monica rolls the dice.) Croupler: Eight! Easy eight. (She rolls a 3 and a 5 and they’re stunned.) Monica: Wow! I can’t believe I actually rolled an eight. Chandler: That was so unlikely. Well, let’s get married! I guess. Monica: Wait a minute. That wasn’t a hard eight! Last night I rolled a hard eight. Chandler: That’s right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit! Monica: I wanted it so bad! (Pause) Wanna go pack? Chandler: Yeah. (They go pack.) We’re doing the right thing, right? Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each other’s hands.) [Scene: Phoebe’s cab, Phoebe and Joey are driving back. Phoebe is driving while Joey is sleeping.] Phoebe: Okay, you have 19 questions left. Use them wisely. (Joey groans.) Come on Joey! You can’t win if you don’t ask any (sees that he’s asleep) QUESTIONS!!! Joey: (wakes up) What?! Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip! We’ve been on the road six hours and you’ve been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper! Joey: All right. All right. Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the radio’s broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice. Joey: Really? I don’t… Phoebe: Sing!! Joey: (starts singing) I wanna rock and roll all night! (Falls asleep.) [Time lapse, Phoebe is asleep, Joey’s driving and having a hard time staying awake.] Joey: (to himself) Man, this is a long drive! Are my eyes open? No! (He opens his eyes and sees a hitchhiker.) [Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the car’s still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.] Hitchhiker: (driving) Morning! (Phoebe screams again.) [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, hubby! Ross: Yeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk to you about that whole annulment thing? Rachel: Uh-huh. Ross: I’m not going to do that. (Rachel glares at him.) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier. Rachel starts laughing.] Rachel: Okay! So, we’ll just stay married. Ross: Yes, exactly! Rachel: And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller! Ross: Wow! This is so amazing. I uh, I really thought I’d have to talk you into this more. Rachel: Okay, see now I’m scared because I don’t actually think you’re kidding. Ross: I’m-I’m not kidding. Look I-I, I can’t have three failed marriages. I can’t. Okay? I-I am not gonna be that guy! Rachel: What-wh-what so we’ll just stay married forever?! Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! It’s right next to it! Rachel: Ohh, okay, I’m sorry. You’re right. Y’know what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other. All right, look, just please, take a moment here and think about what you’re asking of me. Ross: I’m asking you to do me a favor. {Note: Does anyone else want to smack Ross right about now? Raise your hands. Okay, put them down before you stink out the person next to you.} Rachel: You are asking me to be your wife! Ross: And as my wife I think you should grant me this favor. [Scene: The hallway, Chandler is helping Monica to the door.] Monica: That kid really kicked me hard on the plane. Chandler: Well you did pull his hair. Monica: He took my snack! Chandler: I’m not getting into this again! Monica: Okay! Oh God, y’know what? It’s really bad. Chandler: Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.) Monica: This doesn’t mean anything, does it? Chandler: No! Monica: Okay. [Scene: Phoebe’s cab, she’s driving, Joey’s in the back seat, and the hitchhiker is riding up front with Phoebe.] Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a rpe—(She holds her hand in front of the hitchhiker’s face), a rpist or a kller or something! Joey: Don’t you think I asked him that before he got in?! Phoebe: Y’know what? I’m not talking to you! You go back to sleep! (To the hitchhiker) And you, are you a r*pist?! Hitchhiker: No! Phoebe: Do you like car games? Hitchhiker: Yeah, y’know the license plate game? Phoebe: I love the license plate game! Joey: Ooh, I’ll play! I’ll play! Phoebe: No-No! You need your sleep. Night-night! Shh! (She closes the partition.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you want to stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We register, and you get to keep all the presents! Rachel: (thinks about it for a second) No! Ross, come on! No! Listen, look I thought a lot about how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay married. Ross: I don’t know if it’s true. Rachel: Oh b-b-but it is! Ross: Oh, okay, y’know what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage... Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not a marriage!! This is the world’s worst hangover! Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I will! Ross: All right. All right, I’ll do it. Rachel: Thank you. (He goes to leave.) Hey-hey umm, uh, is there, is there any such thing as an annulment shower? (Ross turns and leaves.) [Scene: Phoebe’s cab, it’s the same arrangement as before.] Hitchhiker: Wait! Wait! There is the train station! Phoebe: Oh, okay. Hitchhiker: This is where I get off. Well, I have your address and phone number. Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that you’re a drifter, so the ball’s pretty much in your court. Hitchhiker: All right, see ya Pheebs. (Gets out and Phoebe drives away.) Joey: Come on Pheebs! I can’t take this anymore! Let-let me make it up to you. Huh? (Starts singing.) Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on! Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it no! That’s not fair! Y’know I can’t resist that beautiful voice! Joey: Pheebs, I am so sorry! I know I promised you a fun road trip with your friend and I didn’t deliver. But-but-but now I know that you think being awake is an important part of friendship! So, so, so I will strive to-to stay awake for as long as I know you. Phoebe: You can still sleep at night and stuff. Joey: Well, thank you. So, can we play 20 Questions now? I’ve got a really good one! I’ve been thinking about it since Kansas. Phoebe: Okay. Is it a kind of hot sandwich? Joey: Yes. Phoebe: Is it a meatball sub? Joey: That is incredible! You are the master! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn, throws the bouquet over her head, and those you who are quicker than some already know that Monica is the one who catches it.] Rachel: Huh, that’s funny. You look like you’re gonna be the… Monica: No, don’t say it! Don’t even think it! Rachel: All right. Okay Chandler, enjoy your handful. (Exits.) Chandler: All right, should we just, should we just get married? Y’know? I mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it. Monica: I’m sick of the signs! It’s too fast, I’m happy the way things are! Chandler: Me too! Monica: I don’t want things to change! Do you? Chandler: No! Monica: All right then, then nothing changes! Everything is great! Everything stays the same! And you go unpack because it’s been three days and it’s driving me insane! Chandler: Jeez, relax! It’s not like we’re mar-ah-ah!! (Runs out.) Chandler: (entering, slowly) Y’know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here? Monica: Then all your stuff would be here. Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here? Monica: Then you’d be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn’t make any sense. Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I’m saying? Monica: Live together? There have been no signs for that. Chandler: Me asking is kind of a sign. Monica: YES!!!!!!!! Chandler: Okay!!!!! (And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live studio audience.) Monica: Yes! Okay! Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Here’s your key (Gets him one.) Chandler: Oh thanks. Monica: Here’s your key. All right, you have to christen it! Now, go out and come back in! Chandler: The door hasn’t been locked in five years, but okay! (Runs out.) Ready?! Monica: Ready! (He tries, but something happens.) Chandler: Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I can’t get in! Monica: Wait! Oh my God! I can’t get out! Chandler: This is not a sign! Monica: No, it’s not a sign! It’s a very old key! Chandler: It’s an old key! Monica: Oh my God it’s old! Chandler: I love you! Monica: I love you! Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now. (Pause) Monica: No. Chandler: Yeah-yeah, me neither. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, so did everything go all right with the annulment? Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It’s all taken care of. Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie? Ross: Oh yeah, why not? Rachel: Pheebs? Phoebe: No thanks, I’ve already seen one. Rachel: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.) Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird? Phoebe: Always. Ross: I didn’t get the annulment. Phoebe: What?! Ross: We’re still married! Don’t tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.) Ending Credits [Scene: The hallway, Joey is coming up the stairs and sees Chandler trying to open the lock.] Joey: What are you doing? Chandler: The key’s stuck in the lock. Joey: I can fix it. Hold on. (He goes and gets a screwdriver from his apartment) Look out. Look out. (Pries at the door a little bit.) Chandler: (trying the handle) It still doesn’t work. Joey: I’m not finished. Chandler: Oh. (Joey goes back into the apartment, runs back into the hallway, throws his shoulder against the door, and knocks it down off it’s hinges.) Chandler: Nice job Joe! You’re quite the craftsmen. (Joey pats him on the stomach and heads to bed.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x01 - The One After Vegas"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, it’s the same scene from the end of last week’s show. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, so did everything go okay with the annulment? Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It’s all taken care of. Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie? Ross: Oh yeah, why not? Rachel: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.) Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird? Phoebe: Always. Ross: I didn’t get the annulment. Phoebe: What?! Ross: We’re still married! Don’t tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.) [Cut to outside Central Perk.] Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, do you have any gum? Rachel: Oh? Yeah! Sure! Phoebe: (running out) Wait! Wait! Hi! Listen, Ross can I just talk to you for just a second? Rachel: Oh but Phoebe, we’re gonna be late for the movie. (A cab pulls up.) Phoebe: Oh, there’s a cab! Taxi!! (The cab stops and she opens the door.) Good timing, my God, huh? Here you go. (Pushes Rachel in and closes the door.) Rachel: Yeah, we’re, we’re actually just gonna walk ‘cause it’s right up there at the Angelica. Phoebe: Oh, the Angelica!! Go! Go! (She bangs on the cab’s roof and it pulls away.) (To Ross) You didn’t get the annulment?!! Ross: I know. Phoebe: Ross?! Ross: Well, I tried! But when I got to my lawyer’s office all I could hear was, "Three divorces. Three divorces!" Look, I just don’t want my tombstone to read, Ross Gellar, Three Divorces. Phoebe: Don’t be worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, Ross Geller, Good at Marriage! Y’know? Mine’s gonna say Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive. Ross: Look, all I know is I-I can’t have another failed marriage! Phoebe: So okay what? You’re gonna be married to a girl who doesn’t even know about it?!—Op, woman! Sorry. Ross: Well, okay so, I don’t have it all worked out quite yet. Just don’t say anything to Rachel, please? Phoebe: Rachel is one of my closest friends. (Pause) Although, being the only one who knows anything about this does makes me feel special. Okay! (Rachel’s cab backs up.) Rachel: (to the driver) Okay, stop-stop! Phoebe?! Phoebe: Hey Rach! Rachel: What was that?! Phoebe: Sorry, mix up. Hey, how was the movie? Rachel: I haven’t seen it yet! Phoebe: Well then you’d better hurry! The Angelica! Go! Go! (Bangs on the roof again and off they go.) Rachel: Noooooooo!! Opening Credits {Transciber’s note: In case you’re wondering, and I know you are. Their names are all back to normal. Just in a slightly smaller font than usual to allow Courteney Cox Arquette to fit on one line and not be smaller than the rest of their names. Now, on with the show…} [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch.] Chandler: Y’know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine? Monica: Of course! Joey wouldn’t let you have one? Chandler: No. When it comes to sweets, he’s surprisingly strict. Monica: Hey, have you figured out a way to tell him you’re moving out? Chandler: No, no, I keep trying, y’know? I can get out, "Joey, I have too…" but then I lose my nerve and I always finish with, "…go to the bathroom." He may think I’m sick. Monica: Y’know, I really have to tell Rachel, but I… We just have to get it over with! Y’know, the next time we see them we’re just gonna tell them. Okay? That’s it. Chandler: Oh, so that’s this is gonna work now? You’re just gonna order me around all the time? Monica: Pretty much. Chandler: All right. Joey: (entering) Hey Monica! Monica: Hi! Joey: (To Chandler) Hey man, you feeling any better? (Chandler answers him with some guttural sounds that only he can make and that no human can transcribe.) Monica: Joey, we have something to tell you. Joey: Oh my God! You’re pregnant! Chandler: No-o-o! (To Monica) No? (She nods no.) No-o-o! Look Joey, here’s the thing, Monica and I have decided to live together, here. So, I’m gonna be moving out man. Joey: Wow! (Tearing up) Well, uh… Hey! I’m really happy for you guys! Congratulations! (Kisses Monica on the cheek) See you later. (Starts for the door on the verge of tears as Monica stops him.) Monica: Wait! Joey! Joey! Are you okay?! Joey: Yeah, I gotta go! I got an acting job. (Turns towards the door, pauses, and turns back.) Like you’d believe that. This sucks! Chandler: Look, I-I’m just gonna be right across the hall and I promise you, the minute Monica and I break up I’m moving right back in with you! Joey: (To Monica) Okay! Look-look-look, uh, if you’re gonna be moving in with him I feel it’s my responsibility to tell you the truth about him! Okay? He’s a terrible roommate! Terrible! He uh, forgets to umm… Oh-oh he always, he always umm—Oh, who am I kidding! He’s the best roommate ever! (Hugs Chandler.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey, have you seen Rachel? Phoebe: No, why? Monica: I have some pretty exciting news! Phoebe: (gasps) You’re pregnant! Monica: No! Chandler and I are moving in together! Phoebe: Ooh! That’s good! Wow! But now if you were pregnant, what would you name it? Hint: Phoebe. (Ross returns from getting some coffee.) Ross: Hey! Hi! Monica: Hey! Ross: What’s up? Monica: Well umm, Chandler and I are moving in together. Ross: Oh my God. Ohh, my little sister and my best friend…shaking up. Oh, that’s great. That’s great. (Kisses and hugs her.) Phoebe: Guys, I’m happy too. Monica: Okay, come here! (Phoebe joins them in the hug.) Phoebe: Wow! Big day huh? People moving in, people getting annulled… (Winks at Ross.) Monica: Okay, I gotta go find Rachel but umm, if you guys see her could you please try to give her some really bad news so that mine doesn’t seem so bad? (Exits.) Ross: Bye. Phoebe: Hmm, something bad to tell Rachel… Bad news for Rachel, what could that be?! Ross: Could ya just, could ya just lay off, please? All right? My life is an embarrassment! I should go live under somebody’s stairs! Phoebe: Ross, it’s not that big a deal! So you’ll been divorced three times, you’ll still have a life, you’ll go on dates… Ross: (interrupting) No! No, I won’t! I’ll be at the bottom of the dating barrel now. The only guys below me will be Four Divorce Guy uh, mrder Guy, and-and, Geologists. Phoebe: Ross, you’re being ridiculous! Okay? You are cute and smart and sweet and that is much more important than three stupid divorces! Ross: Oh yeah? Have you ever dated anyone who has been divorced three times? Phoebe: Y’know that’s really fair. Y’know? Most guys who have been divorced three times are like 60. Ross, nobody cares about this except you! This-this embarrassment thing is all in your head! Here, I’ll show you! Come here. Ross: What?! Why? (She grabs his arm and drags him over to a table where three beautiful women are sitting. Now, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that their names are Stephanie, Karin, and Meg. Okay, so I looked at the credits. Of course, only Meg is named later on, so I’ll have to guess who is Stephanie and who is Karin. But, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.) Phoebe: (to the girls) Hi! Hi! Listen, my friend Ross is about to be divorced for the third time, but wouldn’t you date him? Ross: And if you wait right here, I’ll go get Ross. (Phoebe grabs his arm and prevents him from escaping.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is pacing anxiously waiting for Rachel.] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Monica: Ugh, I thought you were Rachel! Chandler: (looking down) What gave me away? Monica: I just tell her, I have to get it over with. I told Ross and Phoebe and she’s the only one left! Chandler: Okay, so that’s it, everybody knows! It’s official, we’re moving in together. No turning back. Are ya scared? Are ya? Monica: No. Chandler: Wow that was my scariest voice! You’re very brave. (They hug as Rachel enters.) Rachel: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Ugh, the worse day! Y’know, you think you’re making progress at work and then your boss calls you Raquel. Chandler: Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. (Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously. Rachel: I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky! Chandler: Well, I-I still think you’re very-very nice and very pretty… Rachel: What? Chandler: (To Monica) All yours babe. (Walks away.) Monica: Have a seat. (They sit at the table.) Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I are going to live together, here. Rachel: Oh my God! That’s so great! I’m so happy for you guys! Monica: Really?! Rachel: And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh my God, the three of us are gonna have such a good time living together! Monica: Yes, we are. (Chandler is frantically trying to get Monica to correct her.) Rachel: And Chandler, you’re gonna have to watch those long showers you take in the morning because you know Raquel can’t be late. Chandler: Rach… Monica: Yeah, he’s gonna work on that. Rachel: Ohh! This is so exciting! Oh God… (Gasps and starts to sing) Come and knock on my door… Monica: (singing) We’ll be waiting for you… {Transciber’s note: I’ll finish that one for those of you who don’t know what they’re talking about. Where the towels are Hers and Hers and His, Three’s Company too! Yeah, that’s the theme song for Three’s Company.} Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is hosting an impromptu roundtable discussion with Stephanie, Karin, and Meg about Ross’s three divorces.] Ross: …once you know the stories, it’s not that bad. First marriage, wife’s hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second marriage, said the wrong name at the altar, a little my fault. Third marriage, well they really shouldn’t allow you to get married when you’re that drunk and have writing all over your face, Nevada’s fault. Phoebe: Okay, so what do you think ladies? Who wouldn’t be interested? Who wouldn’t want to date him? Stephanie: Well the divorces don’t bother me, I’d date him. But, not while he’s still married. Phoebe: Okay, what about you? (Points to Karin) Wouldn’t you want a date? Karin: Actually, I’m dating at all anymore. See, I figured out that I was only dating guys that were like y’know bad for me, so until I work that out… Phoebe: (interrupting) Whatever! What about you Meg? Meg: Well, I don’t care about the divorces either, but I wouldn’t date him. It’s just that he’s obviously still in love with this Rachel girl. Ross: What?! Phoebe: (leaning to him) She said, "He’s obviously still in love with this Rachel girl." (He glares at her.) Ross: This is crazy! I mean, yes-yes Rachel is my good friend and I-I have loved her in the past, but now, she is just my wife! Phoebe, will you-will you help me out here? Phoebe: Well, I thought you loved her when you-when you married her. Ross: We were drunk! I would’ve married uh, Joey with that amount of alcohol! Phoebe: Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!! Ross: (to the panel) Look, I’m sorry, but you guys are wrong. I just don’t want to be divorced three times. Phoebe: Yes, and now he’s using this three divorces reason because he wants to stay married to her because he loves her. I must say, "Well done!" Bravo Meg. Ross: (getting up) Okay! Fine! Fine! If-if this is what you think, forget about the whole three divorce thing! Okay, I-I’ll go to my lawyer’s office right now and get this marriage annulled! Okay?! Because she means nothing to me! Noth—(leans down to Meg’s ear)—Nothing!! Meg: Okay now I wouldn’t date you because you seem a little creepy. Karin: I am so attracted to him right now. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are still debating about how to tell Rachel that Chandler’s moving in and she’s moving out.] Chandler: Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel what is actually gonna happen? Monica: Soon! I-I just couldn’t before. You saw how upset Joey got! I couldn’t do that to her, she’s my best friend! Chandler: Well, Joey’s my best friend. Monica: I’m not your best friend? Chandler: You just said… Of course you’re my best friend. Would you please tell Rachel though? Monica: All right, all right, at least I’m prepared. Chandler: Okay. (She grabs a tin of freshly baked cookies) Oh yes. (He reaches for one.) Monica: (slapping his hand) Hey! Chandler: Hey-hey! Monica: These aren’t for you! Are you upset? Chandler: I am now! Rachel: (entering) Hey roomie! Chandler: Okay, bye! (Exits.) Monica: Rach, there’s something uh, important I have to tell you. Rachel: (gasps) Are you pregnant?! Monica: No! But, I’m throwing this shirt away! I think there was a little misunderstanding before. Rachel: Um-hmm. Monica: Umm, when I said that uh, that Chandler and I wanted to umm, live together we meant alone together. Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God! Oh, that’s funny, I can’t believe I did that. Monica: Oh no sweetie, no! This is my fault, I wasn’t clear! I’m really sorry. And listen, you take as much time as you need to move out okay? There’s absolutely no rush. Rachel: Okay. (Sits back and resumes her reading.) Monica: Okay. Don’t you want a cookie? Rachel: Sure? (Monica hands her one.) Thanks. Monica: Maybe, do you need a tissue? (Rachel mumbles uh-huh and spits the half-eaten cookie out onto the tissue.) Rachel: Monica, where did you get these?! Monica: I made them! Rachel: Ooh, good God, they’re so yummy! (She re-ingests the previously expelled cookie matter from the tissue.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is packing some books and Joey is watching him.] Joey: God, it’s gonna so weird like when I come home and you’re not here. Y’know? No more Joey and Chan’s. No more J and C’s. "You wanna go over to Joey and Chandler’s?" "Can’t, its not there." Chandler: Look, I’m just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff. Joey: Yeah but we won’t be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future. Chandler: Not once did we do that. Monica: (entering) Hi. Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hi. Monica: So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be the two of us. Chandler: Oh yeah? Well, how’d she take it? Monica: Really well. Yeah. Surprisingly well. Yeah, she didn’t cry. She wasn’t angry or sad. (Sits down, slightly disgusted.) Chandler: And you’re upset because you didn’t make your best friend cry? Monica: I mean, all I’m asking for is just a little emotion! Is that too much to ask after six years?! I mean what? Are-are-are Rachel and I not as close as you guys?! I mean do we not have as much fun?! Don’t I deserve a few tears?!! I mean we-we told Joey, he cried his eyes out! Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! It’s like the end of an era! No more J-man and Channie’s!! Chandler: Okay, I gotta ask, who calls us that?! [Scene: Ross’s lawyer’s office, his name is Russell and has just been told by Ross about his current situation.] Russell: You got married again. Ross: Yes. Russell: So that’s your second marriage in two years. Ross: Yes, second in two years. Third overall. Russell: Ross, I have been a divorce attorney for 23 years and never had I so much business from one client. Why don’t you tell me what happened. Ross: Basically, Rachel and I were in Vegas and we got drunk… Russell: (interrupting) I’m sorry, is this the same Rachel who’s name you said at the altar in the second marriage? Ross: Yes-yes-yes! But, I-I do not love her. Russell: Oh, that’s better then. Ross: This was just a drunken mistake and I need to get it annulled. Russell: I see. Have you considered therapy? Ross: I think just the annulment for today. Russell: There are a couple of forms to fill out. Ross: Easy. Russell: And we’ll need to have witnesses who can testify that you were not of uh, sound mind. Ross: No problem. Russell: And we’ll need you and Rachel to testify before a judge. Ross: Ooh! There’s no way to do this without her? ‘Cause I kinda all ready told her uh, it was, it was already taken care of. Russell: Of course you did. Look Ross, you can’t get an annulment unless you and Rachel are both there. Ross: Uh-ha, what about someone who looks like Rachel? (Russell glares at him.) I will think about the therapy. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is painting her toe nails as Monica enters.] Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hey. So um, I was thinking that maybe we should start dividing up our stuff. Rachel: Okay! Monica: Y’know, no point in dragging it out. Dragging out the long process of you moving out and us not living together anymore. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Hey Rach, what about this? (She holds up a chrome 5-point star.) Huh? Who-who gets this? See, I don’t know if I want it because it might be y’know, too many memories! Rachel: (grabbing the star) What the hell is that? Monica: I don’t know. (Picks up a big plate from the coffee table.) Hey, Rachel, you want the big plate? I want you to have the big plate. Rachel: Wow! Mon, thanks! I love this plate! Monica: Something to remember me by! Rachel: Mon, honey you’re not dying. I’m just moving out. Y’know, I mean we’re gonna see each other all the time. Monica: But still, it’s a big change. The end of an era, you might say! Rachel: Are you okay? You’re not blinking. Monica: I’m fine! I just, I’m thinking how much it’s an end of era. Rachel: Oh, all right. But y’know I gotta say, I don’t, I don’t think six years counts as an era. Monica: An era is defined as a significant period of time. Now, it was significant to me, maybe it wasn’t significant to you! Rachel: What is the matter with you?! Monica: What is the matter with you?!! Why aren’t you more upset?! Aren’t you gonna be sad that we’re not gonna be living together anymore?! I mean aren’t you gonna miss me at all?! Rachel: All right, fine, but don’t get mad at me. It’s-it’s just a little hard to believe. Monica: What’s hard to believe? Rachel: Well y’know, it’s you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff! Y’know? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I guess I’m not upset because I don’t see you guys going through with it. I’m sorry. Monica: Rachel, it’s going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here. Rachel: But I… Monica: No-no, wait! Just let me finish, okay? This isn’t something that we just, we just impulsively decided in-in Vegas, this is something we both really want. And it is going to happen. Rachel: It is? Really? Monica: Yeah, sweetie. Rachel: (starting to lose her composure) I mean we’re not, we’re not gonna live together anymore? Monica: No. Rachel: What? Oh my God! I’m gonna miss you so much! (Starts to cry.) Monica: I’m gonna miss you! (They hug.) Rachel: I mean it’s the end of an era! Monica: I know! [Scene: The hallway, Ross is coming up the stairs as Phoebe leaves Joey and Chandler’s.] Phoebe: (to Joey and Chandler) Okay, bye! Ross: Oh no. Phoebe: So? Did you get the annulment? Ross: I couldn’t. Phoebe: I knew it! Because you love Rachel. Ross: It’s not that. Okay? Annulments are more complicated than I… Phoebe: Yeah, complicated ‘cause of the love. Ross: I… I do, I do not love Rachel. I’m gonna tell her right now about the whole thing so we can get this marriage annulled as fast as possible. Okay? Would I do that if I loved her? Phoebe: I’ve never been more convinced of your love for her. Ross: I do not have feelings for Rachel! Okay?! (He goes into her apartment.) [Cut to Monica and Rachel’s as Ross walks through the door. Rachel is holding the chrome star and crying.] Ross: Ohh, what’s wrong?! Rachel: Monica and Chandler are really moving in here and I have to move out and everything is changing. Ross: Oh my—Come here! Come here! (He hugs her.) It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. Rachel: Thank you. Ross: Of course. (Ross suddenly realizes something.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are talking.] Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up? Phoebe: Oh we do, but not just yet. Joey: Really?! Well, when? Phoebe: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won’t work out. Joey: Wow. Phoebe: I know. Then, I’m gonna marry Chandler for the money and you’ll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids. Joey: Great! Phoebe: But then we ditch those two and that’s when we get married. We’ll have Chandler’s money and Rachel’s kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel’s drinking problem. Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross? Phoebe: I don’t want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kll him. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x02 - The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are there as Chandler enters.] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes! (We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he’s now forced to actually hold his breath.) Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo—you trying to kll me?! Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I wanna ask you something. Phoebe: Uh-huh, what? Rachel: Well since I’m movin’ out and-and you’re so beautiful… Phoebe: Oh! Rachel: …how about I move in with you? Phoebe: Well, that would be great but then what do we do about Denise? Monica: Who’s Denise? Phoebe: My roommate. Rachel: You have a roommate?! Phoebe: Yes, Denise. Denise! Joey: Hey, what is with the secrecy Phoebe? Huh? And what about this Denise, is she cute? Chandler: Pheebs, I don’t understand. How can you have a roommate that none of us know anything about? Phoebe: Maybe because you never listen to anything that I say. I talk about her all the time! DENISE!!!!! Joey: Hey Rach, listen I was thinkin’ uh, I’m gonna have an extra room over at my place… Rachel: Oh, that’s true. Joey: Yeah, why don’t you move in with me? It’ll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies, and you know about Naked Thursday’s right? Rachel: Yeah, yeah I think I’m gonna find my own place. Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursday’s was just our thing man! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading a magazine, eating a cookie, and drinking some coffee as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey. Ross: Hey! Phoebe: So, what did Rachel say when you told her you were still married to her? Ross: Oh, that. Umm, she took it really well. Phoebe: You didn’t tell her did you? Ross: No. Phoebe: Of course not, because you’re in love with her. Ross: I am not in love with her. She was very upset about having to move out so I eh, didn’t tell her we were still married because she would only get more upset. I-I just comforted her, as a friend. Phoebe: What do you mean, comforted her? Ross: It’s nothing, I just gave her a hug. Phoebe: Ah-ha! A classic sign of love, the hug! Ross: It’s also a sign of friendship. Phoebe: Yeah, not in your case Lovey Loverson. (Tries to take a bite out of Ross’s cookie.) Ross: (grabs back his cookie) It was a hug! Phoebe: Okay, just tell me this, did you or did you not smell her hair? Ross: S-s-smell her hair? What if I did? Phoebe: Ninety percent of a women’s pheromones come out the top of her head! That’s why, that’s why women are shorter. So that men will fall in love when they hug them! (Ross is staring at her dumbfounded.) Oh come on Ross, you’re a scientist. Ross: I was hugging her as a friend. It’s not my fault her-her hair got in my face, she’s got a lot of it and it smells all-all uh…coconutty. (Phoebe raises her eyebrows.) What?! Oh, that doesn’t mean I have feelings for Rachel! Maybe it means I have feelings for coconuts! Phoebe: (taking his coffee) Okay, whatever you say. But just be careful, all right? Rachel’s not in the same place you are. Ross: (grabbing back his coffee) If the place you are referring too is being in love, then she is in the same place as me because I am not in that place! Phoebe: Okay, I didn’t understand that, but y’know, maybe that’s ‘cause you were speaking the secret language of love! (She goes for his magazine and he grabs it away before she reaches it. But she was only using the magazine as a decoy because she grabs his cookie and coffee, takes a bite out of the cookie and drinks some of the coffee.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! (To Chandler) Dude, some guy just called for you. Chandler: Who was it? Joey: I don’t know! How about, "Thanks for taking the message." Jeez! (Exits.) Monica: Okay listen, y’know when you move in Rachel’s room is gonna be empty, you wanna talk about what we want to do with it? Chandler: Sure! Monica: Okay, I was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right? With a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on them all the time! And we could have a roll top desk with comment cards on them so people could say how much they loved staying here!! Okay, whatever, I really haven’t thought about it that much. Chandler: Well, I like that idea. Obviously! I was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it could be a game room, y’know? I mean you can buy old arcade games like uh, like Space invde and Asteroids for $200, the real ones! The big-big ones! Monica: No. Chandler: Okay so you mean no as in, "Gee Chandler, what an interesting idea. Let’s discuss it before we reject it completely." Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Of course I mean that. Interesting idea, umm, talk about it, but no. Chandler: So, that’s it? Monica: I just don’t think arcade games go in the beautiful guest room. The beautiful guest room is gonna be filled with antiques. Chandler: Which is why Asteroids is perfect! It’s the oldest game! Monica: What do you have against the beautiful guest room? Chandler: I don’t have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away! Monica: Are you mocking me? Chandler: No, I’m not mocking you, (in a mocking voice) or you beautiful guest room. (Exits.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming from across the hall.] Joey: Hey, what’s up? Chandler: Nothing, Monica and I had a stupid fight. Joey: But you’re still moving in together, right? Because my ad came out today. (Shows him the paper.) Chandler: (reading the ad) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." Nice! Joey: Yeah? I just figured y’know, after living with you it’d be an interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, y’know? Someone I can learn from, someone-someone who’s different than me. And what’s more different than me; a guy who’s not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh? (Points to his head.) Not just a hat rack my friend! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch staring off into space as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Pheebs, I have to ask you… Phoebe: Shhhhhh! I’m swamped right now. Rachel: You’re just staring into space. Phoebe: Umm, I’m trying to move that pencil. (There’s a pencil lying on the table.) Rachel: This one? (Picks it up.) Phoebe: It worked! Rachel: Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is just a nightmare! Every place I can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak. I mean, look at this; (Points to one and starts to read it.) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." It’s just, there is nothing! The city’s full! Phoebe: Wait, no, look at this! (Points to one.) (Reading) "Two bedroom, two bath, must be non-smoker, Satan worshipers okay…" Oh, yeah, but it’s on the ground floor. Ross: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey. Ross: Rach, uh, you still looking for a place? Rachel: Yeah! Why? Ross: Okay, there’s this guy, Warren, from the museum and he’s going on a dig for like two years and he’s got this great place he needs to sublet. So uh, you interested? Rachel: That sounds great! I’d love to live at Warren’s!! I love Warren! Thank you! Ross: Don’t thank me! If you wanna thank something, thank the volcano that erupted thousands of years ago, klling but perfectly preserving an entire civilization. (Rachel just looks at him.) Here’s Warren’s number. Rachel: Oh, this is great! I am gonna call him right now! (Jumps up.) Oh, thank you! (She hugs him and he starts to hug her back but notices the look Phoebe is giving him and pushes her away.) Ross: Okay, you go grab it! Phoebe: I saw it. Ross: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Phoebe: Umm, I’m talking about that which you already know but won’t admit. You love her again; you re-love her! Ross: Look, I do not re-love her. Phoebe: I can’t believe you won’t just admit it! (Pause) Okay, just promise me that you won’t do anything stupid. Ross: Look, we’re just friends now! Okay? Why would I do anything stupid? Rachel: (returning from calling Warren) Ugh!!! Well, the apartment is already subletted! I mean, this is just hopeless. I’m never gonna find anything. Ross: You can live with me. Rachel: What?! Phoebe: What?! Ross: What? Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Rachel: Oh my God! Are you serious?! Ross: Uh-huh. (Phoebe grunts.) Rachel: I would love to live with you Ross; that’s-that’s great! Thank you! Ross: Well, I’m-I’m just glad I could, y’know, help you out. Phoebe: Wow! I’m-I’m so happy for you guys. (To Ross) This is so-so, not stupid. Rachel: Ross-Ross, you have no idea what this means to me! I mean, I mean I was gonna be homeless. You just saved me! You’re my hero! Ross: Hero, I uh, I don’t know—well, all right. Rachel: Oh, I have to go tell Monica what a wonderful brother she has! (Kisses him on the cheek and exits.) Ross: Oh please! (He sits down.) (To Phoebe) You’re gonna say things now, aren’t ya? Phoebe: No. No, I won’t. But I should tell you this, this exact same thing happened to my roommate Denise. She moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her and he said he didn’t love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! And that’s how she ended up living with me! (Ross looks at her.) (Pause) Okay, that’s a lie. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hi. Monica: Hi. Chandler: Hi, listen, I’m sorry about before. I don’t need to have a game room. I mean when I was a kid I only played those games because I couldn’t get girls, and now I can ‘em—Now, I have you. (Monica glares at him.) Not-not that I think that I have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, I see women… Monica: Stop it Chandler. (Chandler is relieved) I’m sorry too. Chandler: Really? Monica: Yeah! Oh yes! Chandler: Ohh. Monica: Listen, we don’t have to make that a guest room, we can think of something to do with the room together. Chandler: That’s a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room. Monica: Totally! (They start thinking.) Chandler: We don’t have to come up with this now. Monica: Oh good. Chandler: Hey, y’know what? Why don’t we think about changes we can make in the living room? Monica: Changes? Chandler: Yeah, I mean we’re gonna have to move around some furniture to make room for my chair. (Kisses her and heads into the living room.) Monica: You’re-you’re-you’re gonna bring the Barca Lounger over here? Chandler: Is that a problem? Monica: Well, it’s a set and they should probably stay together. Chandler: Oh, that’s cool. Then I’ll just bring them both over. Monica: See now-now you’re taking them away from their home. Chandler: Okay, I get it. So, I get nothing! Nothing here is mine! Everything here is yours! I’ll get up in the morning put on your clothes, and head off to work! Monica: Yeah-yeah, y’know what? Yeah, that’s it-that’s it, everything will be mine! Nothing will be yours! That’s-that’s what I said! Oh come on, Chandler! I’m talking about the barca lounger! It just, it doesn’t match! Where is it gonna go?! Chandler: In the game room! Monica: Look it is not my fault that your chairs are incredibly ugly! Chandler: All right! That’s fine! That’s fine! I won’t bring over the chairs! I won’t bring anything over! I wouldn’t want to ruin the ambiance over here at Grandma’s place!! (Storms out.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is interviewing a potential roommate. And yes, she’s a female, non-smoker and very non-ugly.] Joey: (exiting from Chandler’s room with the new roommate) Everything on your application looks really good—Ohh! Just one last question umm, are you and your friends gonna be over here all the time like partying and hanging out? The Potential Roommate: Oh don’t worry, I’m not really a party girl. Joey: Whoa!! Now look, don’t be just blurtin’ stuff out. I want you to really think about your answers. Okay? Chandler: (entering) You can call off the roommate search! (To the potential roommate) Hi! I’ll be living here. (Heads for the bathroom.) Joey: Oh don’t listen to him, he’s just some guy who really wants the apartment, but I don’t think he’s gonna get it. Chandler: Why did you take the shower curtain down? Joey: That thing was a hazard! (To the potential roommate) I’m very safety conscious. [Scene: Ross’s Apartment, Rachel is entering and Ross is making some room on the shelves for his stuff.] Rachel: Hey! Ross: Hey! Oh listen, I was just clearing some space for your stuff. Rachel: Oh thanks, but listen, I was just at Monica’s and she and Chandler had a big fight and they’re not moving in. Ross: What do you mean, they’re not moving in? They-they’re still moving in right? Rachel: No-no, they just had a big blowout over what to do with my room. Ross: What?! Over a stupid room! Rachel: Yeah, I feel kinda bad for them, but I’m also really psyched ‘cause I don’t have to move in here! Ross: Oh no, yeah no, that part’s great! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering, dragging Chandler, to mediate the argument between Chandler and Monica.] Ross: What’s all this about you guys fighting?! Is this really over a room?! I mean, that is so silly! Monica: Ross, we can handle this. Ross: Well, apparently not, and I can’t just stand by and watch two people I care about very much be hurt over something that is so silly. I mean, enough of the silliness! Chandler: Well, why don’t you tell her to stop being silly! (Monica mocks him and he joins in.) Ross: (stopping them) Okay-okay! Two very good points, look I’ve known you both a long time, and I’ve never seen either of you one/millionth as happy as you’ve been since you’ve got together. Do you really want to throw that all away over a room? That is so silly. Now wh-what is more important, love or silliness? Chandler: Well, we are fond of the silliness, but we also have a soft spot for the love. Monica: Love is the best medicine. Chandler: That’s laughter. Monica: Why do you do it? Chandler: I don’t know. Ross: Okay! All right! Now, Chandler you-you wanna live with Monica, right? Chandler: Yeah, I do. Ross: And Mon, you wanna live with Chandler, don’t ya? Monica: Yes. Ross: (jumping up) Good! A verbal contract is binding in the state of New York! (Storms out.) [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at the counter waiting for gn, yep gn’s back, to refill her coffee.] gn: So I understand you’re looking for a place. Rachel: No-no, I’m staying put. gn: Oh, I was going to offer you my apartment. Rachel: Why, where are you going? gn: I don’t know. Ross: (entering) Hey Rach! Rachel: Hi! Ross: You’re never gonna believe it uh, Monica and Chandler are moving in again. That’s great news right—I mean for them. Right? Rachel: Oh wow. Ross: Yeah but, on the bright side, we get to be roommates again. Rachel: Yeah. Y’know umm, uh, umm, about that, umm, Ross I really appreciate your offer to let me move in and everything, but don’t you think it’s gonna be weird? Ross: Wh-why?! Why-why-why would it, why would it be weird? Rachel: Well, because of us! Because of our history. Ross: No! Rachel: No? Ross: No! No! It would be weird if we were still in that place, I mean are you still in that place? Rachel: No! Not at all! Ross: Good! Me neither! So it’s not a problem. We’re just two friends who happen to be roommates. Rachel: Okay, but Ross, eventually you and I are gonna be dating. Ross: Really?! We are? Rachel: Yeah! I’m gonna have a boyfriend, you’re gonna have a girlfriend… Ross: Ohh! That would be great. Rachel: But y’know what, if you think it’s gonna be okay we’ll just work out a system. Y’know, it’ll be like college, I’ll hang a hanger on the door and put a sign, "Come back later, I’m gettin’ lucky." (Laughs.) Ross: (laughs as well, but for a different reason) Yeah, I didn’t think of that. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is once again being dragged in by Ross so he that he can try to manipulate the situation so that it’s best for Ross, not necessarily what’s best for Monica and Chandler.] Ross: So are you sure about this whole moving in thing?! I mean it’s a really big step! And-and what’s the rush?! (They both start laughing at him.) Monica: That’s very funny! Chandler: He’s being silly, because he knows that we enjoy the silliness! Ross: No, I-I-I’m serious, okay? I mean, think about it. You move in, you start fighting over stupid game rooms, next thing y’know you break up! Monica: Ross, you were right before, it was just a stupid fight about a room. Ross: Okay, there are no stupid fights!! This isn’t about the room, this is about what the room…represents! And unfortunately, this room (Points to Rachel’s room) could destroy you!! Chandler: Yeah that’s not worried. {Transcriber’s note: I think that’s what he says, if anyone thinks any different let me know. ‘Cause that sentence doesn’t make sense to me, but I played it 20 times and that’s what I came up with.} Monica: Yeah, no, me neither. Ross: Fine! It’s your life! (Starts to storm out mad about his failed attempt at the manipulation of his best friend and sister, but stops and tries one last time.) I just don’t want to see you guys break up! Which you will do if you move in together, (Monica and Chandler just stare at him.) but that’s what you want, there’s nothing I can do. (Opens the door and tries one more time.) DON’T DO IT!!!!! (Finally leaves.) Monica: You still want to move in together right? Chandler: Of course! Monica: Ross didn’t scare you? Chandler: Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him. Monica: Come here, I want to show you something! Chandler: Okay! (They run to the living room where Monica has moved the chair back (Towards the step), the coffee table forward (Towards the TV), and taped a square outline on the floor.) Chandler: Oh my God! Someone’s k*lled Square Man! Monica: This is where I thought the barca lounger could go! You see you could see the TV and it’s still walking distance to the kitchen. Chandler: Oh that’s so sweet! I want to show you something too! Monica: Okay! Chandler: Y’know those big-big uh, road signs that say "Merge?" Monica: Uh-hmm. Chandler: Y’know? So I was thinking that we could get one of those signs and hang it over our bed. Because, that’s you and I together! Merge! Monica: Oh my God! I love that! Chandler: Really?! Monica: Uh, no!! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song. Yep, the first new Phoebe song of season six, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are also there.] Phoebe: (singing) I found you in my bed! How’d you whined up there? You are a mystery! Little black curly hair! Little black curly hair! Little black, little black, little black, little black, little black curly hair………… (Applause.) Phoebe: Now if you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer. Ross: (To Rachel) So umm, where are the other guys? Rachel: Umm, well let’s see Monica and Chandler are occupied. Ross: Fighting?! Rachel: No, the other thing. I really think it’s great they work things out. Ross: Yeah. There’s no breaking them up, is there? Rachel: Hey, can I borrow the key to your house so I can run across the street and make a copy? Ross: Sure! Here. (Hands her his keys.) Rachel: Thank you. (Gets up) Now are you sure? Because once I make a copy, there’s no turning back. Ross: Yeah, I’m-I’m sure. (Deadpan) Yeah, get out of here before I change my mind. (She exits) Joey: Umm, listen, Ross do you really think this moving in with Rachel is a good idea? Ross: I’ve been back and forth. Joey: Yeah well, maybe you should go back! Okay? Rachel moves in, and before you know it you’re right where you don’t want to be! Back together! Ross: Ehh, I don’t, I don’t think so. She’s already talked about y’know, dating other guys. Joey: That’s not gonna work out! Then she’s gonna come home all weepy and you’ll be tellin’ her, "Oh that’s okay. You’ll find someone." And then, bamn! She finds you! Ross: Yeah, well, m-maybe you’re right. Joey: I am telling you Ross, she is definitely gonna fall in love with you again! Now, is that what you want? Ross: Is that what I want? Phoebe: (on the microphone, accidentally) Yes. (Rachel enters.) Joey: Here she comes. Hold on, I’m gonna make your life much easier. Rachel: All right, well the place was closed. I’ll just copy it later. Joey: Or not. Uh, Rach, why don’t you just move in with me? (Rachel sighs.) Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, Joey! Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no… It’s okay, I mean I—look Rach, I know I scared you off with that whole Naked Thursday’s thing, but we don’t have to do that! Rachel: Well, it would be easier to move just right across the hall. Wait a minute, unless you’re thinking about Naked Wednesday’s. Joey: Thursday’s clearly not good for ya, pick a day! Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey has The Potential Roommate back for another interview.] Joey: (opening the door to The Potential Roommate) Hi! The Potential Roommate: Hi! Joey: Come in. Thanks for comin’ back, umm, okay there have been a lot of people interested in the room, but I have narrowed it down and you are one of the finalists! The Potential Roommate: Great! Joey: Okay now, before I make my final decision I uh, I just want to make sure our personalities match. Okay, so I made up a little test. Now, I’m gonna say a word and then you say the first thing that comes to mind. The Potential Roommate: I can do that. Joey: Okay! Here we go. Pillow. The Potential Roommate: Fight. Joey: Very good! Okay. G. The Potential Roommate: String? Joey: Excellent! Okay umm, doggy. The Potential Roommate: Kitten? Joey: Ooh, sorry! No-no-no, so close though, but—bye-bye! (He ushers her out the door.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x03 - The One With Ross\u2019s Denial"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is packing her belongings to move to Ross’s. She’s standing in the kitchen.] Rachel: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine? Monica: This bottle opener. (She grabs it off of the freezer door.) Rachel: And? Monica: And it’s a magnet! Rachel: Look at that! Ross: How weird is that? Y’know? You’re moving in with me and have the one thing I don’t have. It’s like uh, in a way you-you complete me (Phoebe glares at him) kitchen. Rachel: What?! Ross: (in an Australian accent) You complete me kitchen, matey! Phoebe: Ross, I know what you’re thinking. Ross: What? Phoebe: That she’s gonna move in with you and maybe then she’ll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you’re already married, she’ll just be happy. Y’know? You’re just, you’re very sad. Ross: Oh…my…God! I-I see what this is! You are in love with Rachel! Phoebe: What?!! Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you’re obsessed with her. It’s always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?" "When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her! Phoebe: No! (Ross’s phone rings.) Ross: (answering it) Uh-oh, saved by the bell. (On phone) Hello? [Cut to the living room where Monica is helping pack a box.] Monica: Hey Rach, aren’t these candlesticks (holds up a pair) mine? Rachel: No-no, I bought those. Monica: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot. Rachel: Yeah. (Rachel walks away.) Monica: (under her breath) That you’re a liar. (Hides the candlesticks in a drawer.) Ross: (on phone) No-no-no, that’s great! I’ll be there Monday. And thank you again! (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) (To All) Umm, that was the head of the Paleontology department at N uh, Y, uh U! Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say? Ross: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it. Rachel: Well, who wouldn’t?! Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it’s temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? "Professor Geller." Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs. Rachel: And Mrs.?! Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, y’know you and Ross are still married. Rachel: What?!! Phoebe: Just kidding! Rachel: Ohh! Oh God! (Laughs her way into the living room.) Phoebe: (To Ross) Saved your ass. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters dejectedly.] Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hi. Monica: Hey! Chandler: Oh, what’s the matter? Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see? Chandler: Yeah? Phoebe: Well, she told me that I’m gonna die this week, so I’m kinda bummed about that. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys don’t know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get. Monica: Phoebe that’s crazy! Joey: I can’t believe she would say that too you. Rachel: Yeah honey you don’t believe her do you? Phoebe: I don’t—she said y’know that I’d have triplets! But she also said one of them would be black. Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you’re gonna go? Phoebe: No, ‘cause she didn’t tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean I’ve only got a week left, y’know? I’ve really gotta start living now! (So she picks up the latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto magazine), leans back, and starts reading.) Ross: (entering) Hey everyone! Chandler: Oh hi! Ross: Hey uh, well, today’s my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do you mind? (They pause to think about it.) All: Oh that’d be great. Sure! Ross: (he starts reading directly from his cards word for word very quietly) "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct…" Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This what’s gonna kll me. Ross: (continuing) "…subcategories. The first of these subcategories is…" Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper? Ross: No! Why? Joey: Well, I’ve just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn’t have naked chicks on it. Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into…" Chandler: Why don’t you open with a joke? Ross: Open with a joke? It’s a university, not a comedy club! Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not talking about Chuckles University?! Ross: (gets up) Okay! All: Ohh! We’re kidding! Oh, we’re kidding! Rachel: Ross, hey you know what might make it less boring? Ross: Thank you! Rachel: Some uh, some visual aides. Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y’know what’s a good visual aide? Ross: Please don’t say naked chicks. Joey: Why not?! Ross: I-I-I don’t even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y’know what? I’m just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks. Chandler: That’s the way I did it ‘til I was 19. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.] Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey! Any good mail? Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor’s Guild. Joey: Ooh, it’s probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, I’m kinda…. Chandler: (opens and reads it) "Benefits lapsed." Joey: Hmm that’s weird. I don’t remember being in a move called benefits lapsed. Chandler: Okay, it’s not a check. They’re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn’t work enough last year. Joey: Let me see that! Chandler: All right. Joey: (reads it) Oh, I can’t believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get ht by a bus or catch on fre, y’know? And it wouldn’t matter. Now I gotta be careful?! Chandler: I’m sorry man, there’s never a good time to (pauses) stop catching on fre. Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I’m gonna go see my agent. Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street. Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) …look both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe enters to find Rachel still packing.] Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey Pheebs, you’re still alive! How are you doing? Phoebe: Ugh, it’s so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could—(Groans, hacks, and then freezes with her eyes open and her tongue hanging out.) Rachel: Pheebs, what-what are you doing? Phoebe: I was preparing you for my—didn’t you think I was dad? Did that not come off? Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we’d lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down? Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, y’know if you can. (Phoebe goes and lies down as Rachel opens the drawer Monica hid the candlesticks in and as Monica walks out of her room.) Rachel: Monica! Monica: Hmm? (Rachel holds up the candlesticks.) Rachel: Did-did you take these back? Monica: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself. Rachel: Oh yeah, they’re really great! Aren’t they? Monica: I loved them! Rachel: Yeah. (Monica walks away) Nice try! (Rachel puts them in a box.) Ross: (entering) Hello! Monica: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Monica: How’d the lecture go? Ross: It went great! And I didn’t need any jokes or naked chicks either! Rachel: Wow, that’s great Ross, I’m sorry we weren’t more supportive before. Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyone’s all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, I’m gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler. Monica: That you’re not funny or sexy? Ross: That’s right! [Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.] Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen… Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle! Joey: What are you talkin’ about? I never left you! You’ve always been my agent! Estelle: Really?! Joey: Yeah! Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul. Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance. Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control. Joey: Why? Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town. Joey: Bastard! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.] Chandler: Hey! Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and I’ll have my health insurance back in no time. Chandler: That’s great, but shouldn’t you be on the toilet right now? Joey: What?! Chandler: What’s wrong with you? Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious. Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you go to the doctor! Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.) Chandler: That’s a hernia. Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s! [Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica are arriving to talk to Ross after the lecture, but are there early.] Rachel: Well, we’re a little early, the lecture doesn’t end for 15 minutes. Monica: Yeah, but y’know we could sneak in and watch. Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There’s some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. (to them) Hey sisters! (They ignore her.) (To Monica) Wow, we really are bitches. (They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking in an English accent for some unknown reason.) Ross: (to the class) Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when—(sees Monica and Rachel.) Oh bloody hell. Commercial Break [Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is continued from earlier, only Ross has dismissed the class and is now talking to Monica and Rachel.] Monica: What the hell are you doing?! Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring! I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out. Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one. Ross: Will you-will you please? (Another professor walks down from the back of the lecture hall.) The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I’m a professor in the paleontology department here. Ross: Oh. The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture? Ross: (in his British accent) I’m sorry, I’ve got plans with my sister. Monica: (in an Irish accent) Monica Gellerrr. (She rolls her ‘R’) Ross: (in accent) Right, will you excuse us for one moment? (Takes Monica aside.) (In his normal voice.) What are you doing? Monica: (normal voice) Oh, you can have an accent and I can’t?! (To an exiting student in accent.) Top ‘O the morning to ya laddies! Ross: Just please stop! (They turn back to Rachel and Professor Rathman.) Rachel: (in an Indian accent) Yes, yes, bmb is bery, bery nice time of year. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.] Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?! Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it’s getting darker and more painful, that means it’s healing. Chandler: I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let’s just get that thing…pushed back in. Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don’t want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll probably start with that laser eye surgery too. (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: What’s going on? Chandler: Oh Joey’s got a really bad hernia, but that’s nothing a little laser eye surgery won’t fix! Joey: Look, I’m telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here (He puts his hand down his pants, like Al Bundy on Married…With Children always used to do.) it doesn’t hurt that bad. Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you’ll die! Joey: Sure, now I’m scared. Phoebe: No, we can go together! Just don’t wait too long though, okay? ‘Cause I’m outta here sometime before Friday. Joey: Yeah, but I don’t wanna die! Phoebe: No-no, it’ll be fun! We can come back and we can haunt these guys! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are having a tug-of-wr over the disputed candlesticks.] Monica: Gimme ‘em! Rachel: No! They are mine! Monica: You stole them from me! Rachel: You stole them from me!! Monica: Gimme them! (With one last mighty tug the combatants lose their grip and split, each holding one candlestick.) Monica: You just wanna each take one? Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them. Ross: (entering) Look, I really need some help, okay? Why? Why did I have to speak in a British accent?! What do I do? Rachel: Well… Monica: Why don’t you phase it out? Yeah, fade the accent out and people will think you’re, y’know, that you’re adjusting to life in America. Rachel: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they’re probably not even listening! Ross: They’re not listening too me? Rachel: Of course they’re listening to you! Everybody listens to you. Ross: Monica you really think I should try this phasing out thing? Monica: I think you look fine. [Scene: Casting Director #1’s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.] Casting Director #1: Whenever you’re ready. Joey: (in a gravely, painful voice) Okay. "Hey, Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you." Casting Director #1: Hold it. I’m sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less…intense? Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, I’ll just—hold on one second. (He turns around and puts his hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a relaxed voice.) "Hey Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you!" Casting Director #1: Oh my God!! (Joey pulls his hand out and reverts back to intense pain.) [Scene: Casting Director #2’s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.] Joey: So that’s why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today! (He turns, looks at the bag and realizes he won’t be able to pick it up.) Casting Director #2: That’s where you pick up the bag. Joey: Exactly. Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag. Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. (She just looks at him.) I didn’t get it, did I? Casting Director #2: No. Joey: Yeah, okay. (Leaves) [Scene: Casting Director #3’s office, Joey is entering.] Joey: Hi. I’m Joey Tribbiani; I’m here to audition for (Groans) man. Casting Director #3: You mean dying man? Joey: Yes! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are playing phone pranks on Ross.] Monica: Okay, come on, do it one more time! Rachel: Really? Really?! Monica: Yes! Rachel: Okay! (Picks up the phone and starts dialing.) (In an Irish accent) "Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, we’d like you to come on board with us full time! (Hangs up.) Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I’m not going die! Rachel: Really?! How do you know? Phoebe: Because my psychic is dad! She must’ve read the cards wrong! Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, let’s bake cookies! [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey has won the part of dying man and is now able to play the role he was injured for. Chandler is helping to carry him in.] Chandler: Listen, I’m really glad you got the part. Joey: (barely audible through the pain) Thank you. Chandler: But are you sure you can do this? Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower. (Chandler steps away quickly.) Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again?! Joey: (to the director) Hiya! The Director: Hey Joey, we’re ready for ya! (Joey stumbles over) Joey, this is Alex he’s going to be playing your son. Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.) The Director: Okay. (to Alex) All right uh, Alex now when Joey says his line, "Take good care of your Momma son," that’s your cue to cry. Got it? (Alex nods yes.) All right, let’s do this. (Joey lies down on the gurney.) A Crew Member: (with that board thingy) Scene 5, take 1. The Director: And Action! Joey: "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex just looks at him and the director motions for him to continue so he tries it again.) "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex does nothing.) "Come on son! Your Momma’s good people!" The Director: Cut! Alex, remember you’re supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time? Alex: Okay. The Director: All right, from the top. A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2. [Time lapse.] A Crew Member: Take 36 is up! The Director: All right! Let’s try this again! You ready Joe? Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action? The Director: Uh sure. Joey: Okay. (Starts screaming.) The Director: Action! Joey: (he stops screaming at action) "Take good care of your Momma son." (Again Alex does nothing.) The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.) (Chandler decides to help out.) Chandler: I’m sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don’t you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras! [Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel is unpacking as the phone rings.] Rachel: (answering it) Hello? Russell: (Ross’s divorce lawyer.) Hello, is Ross there? Rachel: Uh no, he’s not. Can I take a message? Russell: Yes, this Russell, Ross’s divorce lawyer, just tell him that since I haven’t heard from him, I assume he’s decided to give the marriage a try. Rachel: Ross got married again—Nooooooo!!!!!!!!! [Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Ross is trying to phase out his accent.] Ross: (in his head) All right, keep going. We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So without out re-testing the results in the laboratory (pronounced the British way) the team would never have identified (British) the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis (British). Were there any questions at this point? (One student raises his hand.) Yes. (Points to him.) A Student: What’s happening to your accent? Ross: (British) Come again? What’s-what’s this nonsense? (Giggles.) (American.) All right, I’m-I’m not English. I’m from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just uh, just came out. I’m sorry. So, if we could just get back to the lecture. Umm, were there any questions? (Everyone raises their hands) About paleontology. (They all put their hands down.) All right, look I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I’m-I’m hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression… (At this moment Rachel bursts through the door. Needless to say, she’s not in the best of moods having just found out Ross’s dirty little secret.) Rachel: Ross!! Are you crazy?! I am still your wife!! What, were you just never gonna tell me?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!!!! Ugh, I could just kll you!!!! Ross: (in the accent again) Well, hello Rachel! Ending Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is holding a football helmet; and apparently, in a rather disgusting scene, Joey wants Phoebe to bat him senseless. (Luckily it isn’t a long trip.) Because he’s made a miraculous recovery from his hernia and wants to take advantage of all those free surgeries he can get now since he’s re-established his health insurance.] Phoebe: Have you really done this before? Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, don’t hold back. (He dons his protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.) Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey-hey-hey! Chandler: What are you doing? Phoebe: We’re just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back. Chandler: Oh, all right. (Decided that they are less than human as well, Chandler picks up a golf club and Monica a frying pan, to join in on the fun of beating their good friend to within an inch of his life!) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x04 - The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Perry Rein & Gigi McCreery Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gng is there except for Rachel and Ross, who both come storming in. Rachel is still going off about Ross’s secret marriage.] Rachel: I cannot believe that you didn’t tell me that we are still married!! Ross: Look I was going to tell you! Rachel: When?! After the birth of our first secret child?! (To All) Ross didn’t get the annulment; we are still married. Chandler: What? Monica: You’re kidding! Phoebe: (overdoing it) Oh my God!! Monica: Ross! Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn’t my best decision. But I just couldn’t face another failed marriage. Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage? Ross: Rach, come on, if you think about it, it’s actually kinda funny. (He laughs, and he laughs alone.) Okay, maybe it’s best not to think about it. Phoebe: Okay, this is inexcusable. I am shocked to my very core! Ross: Phoebe, I told her you already knew. Phoebe: Another lie. You have a sickness! Chandler: Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you’re not married to anymore of us are ya? Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the counter getting some more coffee.] Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcriber’s note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, I’d have the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey gn, these yours? gn: Yeah, that’s what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years! Joey: Na-uh! (To everyone there) Hey did anybody lose their keys? Monica: Joey, why don’t you put them in the lost and found? Joey: There’s a lost and found? (gn sets the box up on the table.) My shoe! (Grabs it out of the box.) Chandler: You left a shoe here?! Joey: Well, I didn’t realize until I got home. I wasn’t gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Y’know what? I’m gonna go find that guy’s car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.) Chandler: Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I’ll be sure to give him your shoe. Joey: Great! Thanks. (Exits.) Phoebe: (coming in from the bathroom) Oh, good, good, you guys are here! Listen, how would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?! Monica: Oh my God, what a fun day! That sounds great! Chandler: (not enthused) Yeah, all right. Phoebe: Okay, well I’ll bring them by tomorrow morning. Okay, and uh, by the way, they’re not actually puppies, they’re Frank and Alice’s triplets. Okay, see ya! (Exits.) Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! What? Phoebe: (stops) Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh please! Please! Please! Frank and Alice asked me to baby sit the triplets and I’m nervous ‘cause I’ve never done that before by myself! Monica: Don’t worry about it Phoebe, we’ll absolutely do it. Chandler: Yeah, I’m gonna pass. ‘Cause I was kinda iffy when it was puppies. Monica: Come on Chandler, come on! It’ll give us great practice for when—(realizes what she’s about to say and changes)—people with babies come to visit. [Scene: The street down the block from Central Perk, Joey has found the Porsche and is writing the note.] Guy #1: Nice car! Joey: Yeah, it’s not mine. Woman: (walking up) I love your car. Joey: Yeah, it’s (looks up and sees the woman) mine. Woman: I bet it’s fast. Joey: Me too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do uh, do you like leather seats? Woman: Yeah! Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) It’s got ‘em! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are having tea.] Rachel: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Ross’s, and I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now. Phoebe: What about me? I just found out that Denise is leaving town for a while, I don’t have a roommate. Rachel: Well, maybe-maybe I could be your roommate Pheebs. Phoebe: Maybe you could be my roommate! Rachel: Well there’s an idea!! Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: That would be great! Wait, how long is Denise gone for? Phoebe: Umm, she said she’d be back December 26th. Rachel: December 26th, huh maybe she’s Santa Clause. (Phoebe laughs, then stops to think about it. Ross enters.) Rachel: (deadpan) Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye. Ross: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. I’ll take care of everything. Rachel: Well sure, if you say you’re gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! (Grabs them from him.) All right, now I’m gonna do this my way and I don’t want to hear a peep out of you! Ross: Okay Rach, but… Rachel: Op! You’re peeping! (Ross grunts something and hands her the pen he was trying to hand her.) Rachel: Ross! Y’know what, I just got—why? Why did you do this?! Ross: Look I told you… Rachel: I don’t wanna hear "Three failed marriages!" Ross: Look, if you’d had two failed marriages, you’d understand! Rachel: Well, y’know what? Thanks to you I’m half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I don’t think I have ever been this angry! Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break? Rachel: Ugh! (Stares at him.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are baby-sitting the triplets. They each have one baby.] Monica: Pheebs, how’s it going? Phoebe: (rapidly) I’m doing okay. I think it’s going well. Do you think they’re having fun? Am I talking to fast? Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, it’s going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler. Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. It’s times like these I’m glad Smell-O-Vision hasn’t been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When you’re done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.) Phoebe: Na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies. Chandler: See that’s where I think that you’re wrong. We’ve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense. Monica: What do you mean? Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y’know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around… (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his finger.) Phoebe: That sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping. Chandler: Okay, I’m a rookie. I should not be in the end zone. [Time lapse, they have set up a little assembly line for diaper changes. Phoebe wipes, Chandler adds the powder, begrudgingly, and Monica puts the diaper on.] Monica: This is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant. Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered. Joey: (entering) Hey guys! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey babies! Oh, I’m having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche I’ve got the keys too, still there! Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the keys. Joey: You should see the treatment I get when I’m with that car! People are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about my equity investments. Chandler: What equity investments? Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they’re gonna start to think that I don’t own it. So I figured I’ll wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow? Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound. Chandler: You don’t even have a car! Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it. Chandler: And? Monica: And six others. Chandler: There you are. [Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.] Joey: Yeah, she tops out at 130. Guy #2: Wow! Joey: And that’s just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate. Guy #2: Really! You got a place upstate? Joey: Sure! Guy #2: Well, I’ll see you later. Joey: Okay, take it easy. The Porsche Owner: Hey! That’s my car. Joey: Really? Oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it. The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing? Joey: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now I’m just polishing her up. The Porsche Owner: But it’s my car! Joey: Yeah, but it’s my wax. The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I don’t come to this city much so I don’t know if you’re crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys. Joey: Sure. Here. (He hands them over.) I’ll uh, save your parking spot. The Porsche Owner: I’m not coming back. Joey: Why not? The Porsche Owner: I live upstate. Joey: Yeah, so did I. (The guy gets in and drives off.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the triplets are all in their crib as Monica and Phoebe watch them.] Phoebe: I don’t know why I was so nervous about this. And I don’t know why Frank and Alice are always complaining. This is so easy. Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime that’s the same. Chandler: (entering) Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog! (He holds up this Xena-like warrior action figure.) Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? That thing can put someone’s eye out! Chandler: He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe! Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, that’s just gonna mess them up. Chandler: They’re not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass! Phoebe: What?! Chandler: Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies again.) Phoebe: Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep. Monica: Oh it’s so cute. I wonder what age it is when you stop being able to put both legs over your head. Phoebe: Oh, I can still do that. Monica: How are you still single?! Chandler: (entering) All right. (Clears throat) I thought about it and maybe you’re right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy. Monica: Good. What made you change your mind? Chandler: I swallowed the sonic blaster gn. Phoebe: How did that happen?!! Chandler: Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Y’know? And it turns out I was wrong. And now it’s lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat trying to cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.) Monica: Damnit! Y’know this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it again.) [Scene: A judge’s chambers, Rachel and Ross are filing their annulment papers.] Judge: Okay you two are asking the court for an annulment? Rachel: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms, all filled out. Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentlly unstable. Ross: Fine, I’m mentlly unstable. Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user. Ross: What?! Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack. Ross: Crack isn’t even an intravenous drug! Rachel: Well, you would know. Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage? Ross: Oh, come on! Rachel: (starts to cry) Ross, please, I found the magazines! Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you’re gay and addicted to heroin. Ross: Okay, I’m sorry, this is insane! I-I-I’m not addicted to heroin, I’m not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything! Look, I’ll consummate this marriage right here, right now! Judge: That won’t be necessary. Ross: And when we were dating we consummated like bunnies! Rachel: Ugh! Judge: Now if you were two involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem. Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago! (To the stenographer) And could you strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record? Judge: Is there, anything in this record that is actually true? Rachel: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names I think. Judge: Well, based on what I heard, you two certainly don’t qualify for an annulment. If you two don’t want to be together you’ll have to file for divorce. Ross: (stands up) That’s great! Are you happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form! Rachel: (stands up as well) What?! Me?! What about you and your consummated like bunnies nonsense! Ross: And what—(notices the stenographer is still typing)—What are you typing that for? Did you hear what she said? We don’t get the annulment. Don’t type that! What?! Stop typing! (He goes over to where the stenographer is typing and in the process pushes Rachel out of his way.) Hey! Stop typing! (He’s still typing.) Stop typing! Stop typing!! Rachel: (to the judge) Okay, do you see, do you see what you’re keeping me married too?! Judge: You need to get out of my chambers. Rachel: All right look lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one! Ross: Yeah! Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail? Rachel: And thank you for your time. (They both bat a hasty retreat.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is still doing the hairball thing as Monica and Phoebe are watching the babies. I can’t describe it, you’ll have to see it when it comes on in your area.] Joey: (entering wearing nothing but Porsche clothes) So the Porsche guy took his car back. Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes? Joey: No. No, I just uh, I just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche. Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because you’re wearing the clothes? Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn’t have the car! Right? Chandler: That is true. Phoebe: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gn. Joey: Oh, I’ve been there. Yeah, I am gonna go drive my Porsche. (Starts to leave.) Monica: Joey, you know you don’t actually have one. Joey: Come on! What are you doing?! I’m in character! Would you talk to her! (Storms out.) Chandler: Ahh, I think it just moved. It’s really poking me. Monica: All right, that’s it, we’re going to the emergency room. Phoebe: What?! No, you can’t, you can’t leave me here with them! We’re baby-sitting! Monica: The babies are asleep, I’m sure you’ll be okay on your own for a while! Phoebe: But you-you can’t leave me with them! We-we’re a team! We’re playing a zone! They’re gonna triple team me! Monica: He’s got something plastic lodged in his throat, we’ve got to go to the hospital. Phoebe: But no, because a doctor won’t be able to help him, it’s just gonna y’know naturally pass through his system in like seven years. Chandler: I think that’s gum. Phoebe: I’m pretty sure it’s gn. Chandler: Okay, listen this really hurts. Let’s go. Phoebe: A real man wouldn’t just run to the hospital! (They don’t stop.) No! What would, what would Krog do? (They ignore her and Phoebe is left alone.) [Scene: The street, Joey is hanging out wearing his Porsche grab.] Joey: Why isn’t that valet back with my Porsche? Passerby: Maybe because you’ve got the keys? Joey: (to women passing him) Porsche. (Ross and Rachel approach, they’re still yelling at each other.) Rachel: This is totally your fault! Ross: My fault?! You thrat the judge! Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter’s machine!! Ross: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing! Joey: Hi! How are the Gellers? Rachel: Don’t call us that! (Storms away) Ross: The judge wouldn’t let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce!! Did a Porsch throw up on you? (Walks on.) Joey: Hey! It’s Porsche!! (He’s right y’know.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is being triple teamed.] Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, I’m gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, I’ll set you up with a clean one. (She throws it at the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.) Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Okay? ‘Cause let’s face it, we’re at Monica’s. (She crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All right. Well, that’s just the way that goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you can’t answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, you’re a lot mischievous! Well, it’ll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Okay, you sit with your brother and sister now—who aren’t there! (They both have disappeared as well.) [Time Lapse, the babies are finally asleep. Good for Phoebe! The only problem is, Monica’s apartment looks like a tornado, a hurricane, a swarm of locusts, fre, brimstone, hail, and giant man-eating, radioactive ants have torn the place apart. Needless to say, it’s messy enough to cause Monica to die of shock right away. Parents with small children know what I’m talking about.] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: (exhausted) How do you feel? Chandler: Well, let’s just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours. Phoebe: Okay, so I totally took care of the babies all by myself! I fed ‘em, bathed ‘em, and put ‘em to bed. Chandler: And protected them from a tornado? (Monica enters and her jaw drops in horror.) Monica: Oh my God. Phoebe: I know, the babies are asleep. Monica: Phoebe, what, what happened here?! Phoebe: I did it! I took care of the babies all by myself! Monica: But my apartment! Chandler: Was the setting of Phoebe’s triumph. Monica: But the mess! Chandler: Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself. Monica: You’re right, you’re right I shouldn’t freak out. ‘Cause this is what will happen when you and I have babies! When will that be?! Chandler: (pause) Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!!!! [Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is packing what she still has over there as Ross enters.] Rachel: (deadpan) Oh honey thank God you’re home, I was getting worried. Ross: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, I’ve already signed everything and I put little ‘X’s where you need to sign. Rachel: Oh, little ‘X’s! Great! That makes up for everything! Ross: Y’know, I-I—you’ve done a lot of stupid stuff too! Okay? Rachel: Oh, name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one! Ross: Okay, how about you flew to London to stop my wedding! Ah, how about you told me you loved me after I was already married! Rachel: Hey! Wait a minute! That was different! I did those things because I was in love with you! Ross: Yeah! Right! (Pause.) Ross: You’re right. That’s very different. So let’s, let’s just sign the papers. All right? (Sits down and Rachel keeps standing there.) What? Rachel: Nothing. (Sits down.) Ross: Okay, can we just sign please? Rachel: Uh-hmm. (Just as Rachel finishes signing her name, Ross yanks each page out of the way.) Ross: Congratulations. (Gets up to leave.) Rachel: Okay Ross, we’re—wait a minute. Umm, I uh, I kinda have a little confession. Ross: What? Rachel: Well, y’know this whole marriage thing, kinda my idea. Ross: Excuse me? Rachel: Well, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married? Ross: Yeah? Rachel: And uh, yeah, I didn’t really, I didn’t want to say anything, but it kinda it just, it kinda kept coming back to me, and umm, remember we were in the casino and for some reason thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And uh, and I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So as a, as a compromise we decided first to get married, and then (Ross joins in) to eat a lot of grapes. So umm, sorry I got us into this mess. Ross: So then if-if—I mean if you think about it, this is all (Pause.) your fault. Rachel: Yeah, don’t push it though. Ross: I’ve got to say; I know I divorce a lot of women, never thought I would be divorcing you. Rachel: I know. I always thought if you and I got married, it would be the one that stuck. And it wouldn’t be a secret, and we wouldn’t have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut. (They both laugh.) Ross: Did I, did I even treat? Rachel: No, it was on the house, it was, it was a newlywed special. Ross: That may be the most depressing thing I’ve heard in my life. I should probably get these to my lawyer’s office. Rachel: Hey, thanks Ross, for taking care of all of this. Ross: Eh, no problem. (They hug.) Rachel: I’m gonna need a copy of those. Ross: Totally. (Exits.) Ending Credits [Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.] Joey: Hey! Hey! Be careful around my Porsche! Woman: (the same one from before approaches) Hi Joey. Joey: Hey! How you doin’? Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there! Joey: I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x05 - The One With Joey\u2019s Porsche"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Directed by: David Schwimmer (Yeah, that David Schwimmer.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is balancing a mini hockey stick on his hand as Chandler enters from his room carrying a bunch of bills.] Chandler: (watches Joey for a moment) Okay! (Joey quickly moves the hockey stick so that he’s scratching his back with it.) Listen, I’m gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent. Joey: Right! And when is that due? Chandler: First of the month. Joey: And that’s every month? Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here. Joey: Ahhh. Chandler: Okay, here is the phone bill. (Hands it to Joey.) Joey: (looking at it) Oh my God!! Chandler: That’s our phone number. Now look, I know I kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why don’t I just—why don’t I just cover you for a while? Joey: No-no! No way! Joey Tribbiani does not take charity…anymore. Chandler: It’s not charity, Joe… Joey: No! Forget it! Okay—I mean thanks, but I’m done taking money from you. All right, I can take of myself. Now, what’s next? Come on. Chandler: Okay uh, here’s the electric bill. (Hands it to him.) Joey: This is how much we pay for electric?!!! Chandler: Uh, yeah. (Joey runs over and shuts off the lights.) Chandler: So, we’ll do the rest of the bills later then? Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about trying to give Joey some money.] Phoebe: So is Joey going to have to give up the apartment? Chandler: No, I hope not! I tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn’t take it. Phoebe: Well, how much do you think he needs? Chandler: I figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y’know? But I have to trick him into taking it so I won’t hurt his pride. Phoebe: Why don’t you hire him as an actor? You could have him dress up and put on little skits. Whatever you want. Chandler: Well that would help the pride thing. Monica: (entering from her room) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna move in with me tomorrow? Monica: (thinks) Okay. Chandler: Okay! (They kiss) So, what do you girls have planned for tonight? Monica: Well, instead of being sad that tonight is my last night together with Rachel we thought we’d go out to dinner and celebrate the fact that Rachel is moving in with Phoebe. Phoebe: And also, my birthday. Monica: It’s not your birthday. Phoebe: What a mean thing to say! I would never tell you it’s not your birthday! (Joey and Ross enter.) Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! So you guys have anything planned for the big last night? Chandler: Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure we’d do nothing. Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Knicks season opener tonight. I thought maybe you guys would come over and watch it. Joey: I don’t know Ross, not if you’re gonna talk about how you gave up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist. Ross: I did give up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist! Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I was wondering… Monica: You’re not dressed yet?! We’re supposed to start having fun in 15 minutes! Rachel: Well and clearly not a minute sooner. Monica: Rachel, you are packed though right, I mean please tell me that you’re packed. Rachel: Of course I packed! Monica relax! I just wanted to ask Phoebe her opinion on what I should wear tonight. Phoebe: My God, I can’t get a minute of peace around this place. [Cut to Rachel’s bedroom, Phoebe and her are entering. And it’s obvious that she’s not packed.] Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica’s just gonna kll you. Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I know. Phoebe: Well, what you’re wearing is fine for that. Monica: (entering) Rachel, I need to borrow—You’re not packed!!!! You’re not packed even a little bit! Rachel: Surprise!! Monica: What? Rachel: No, no don’t get mad because look—this is what happened. So I-I started packing, then I realized, "What am I doing? I am lousy at packing!" Right? But you love packing! So, as a gift to you, on our last night, ta-da! Monica: (grabs a bag of those Styrofoam peanuts) I’ll be coordinator! Oh my God! I’m so sorry, I didn’t get you anything! Okay, look everybody has to help! Okay? You can help, can’t you Phoebe? Phoebe: I have plans. Monica: You’re plans were with us. Phoebe: That’s right. Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out! Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Okay! (To Rachel) Oh my God, thank you!! [Cut to living room, Phoebe enters and closes Rachel’s door behind her.] Phoebe: Hurry! Monica’s gonna make you pack! She’s got jobs for everyone! Now, it’s too late for me, but save your selves! (The guys scramble for the door.) Monica: (entering and interrupting the guy’s escape attempt) Okay! The movers will be here in 11 hours. Rachel has not packed. Now, everybody has to help! Chandler, we’re gonna start with… Chandler: Oh nope, I-I have plans with Joey. Monica: I thought you said you were going to do nothing. Chandler: Yes, but for the last time. Monica: Okay fine, now Ross… Ross: Oh, but-but I can’t do it. Monica: Why not? Joey: (quietly) I’ve got Ben. Ross: Because, because I’ve got Ben. Monica: It’s almost 8 o’clock, it’s almost past his bedtime. Where-where is he? Chandler: He’s at a dinner party. Monica: Is he really coming? Because I can see right into your apartment! Ross: Of course he is! What, do you think I’d just use my son as-as an excuse? What kind of father do you think I am? Monica: All right, sorry. (Goes back to Rachel’s room.) Ross: (to the guys) I gotta go make a fake Ben. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is entering carrying two pizzas.] Joey: Here it is! Our last pizzas together as roommates. Chandler: Oh, I wish I’d know you were going to do that, I ordered Chinese. Joey: Oh that’s okay. Hey, actually in a way it’s kinda nice. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours! (Chandler stares at him, dumbfounded, then finally agrees.) Chandler: Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. What do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money? Joey: What, are you crazy? You haven’t beaten me once since my injury plagued ’97 season. It would be easier if you just give me your money. Chandler: Yes it would. What do you say to $50? Joey: Okay, you’re on. Chandler: Okay, let’s play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently. (They start playing.) [Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, she’s in her closet bringing down her pair of roller blades from a top shelf.] Rachel: Ohhhhhh, look it’s the roller blades. Monica: (starting to cry) Oh God! Rachel: You remember when we got these? Monica: No. Rachel: I guess you weren’t there. (They hug.) Phoebe: You guys, we said we were gonna have fun! Come on, hey, remember the time… (She starts laughing hysterically.) You don’t remember? Rachel: I’m sorry Pheebs, I guess I’m just really said that I’m leaving. Monica: I’m gonna miss you so much. Phoebe: Well, this doesn’t have to be so sad though. Y’know? Maybe instead of just thinking about how much you’re gonna miss each other, you should like think of the things you’re not gonna miss. Monica: I don’t think there’s anything. Phoebe: Come on, there’s gotta be something. Monica: Nope, she’s perfect. Rachel: I have one. Phoebe: Good! Great! You can go first. Rachel: Uh well, I guess I’m not gonna miss the fact that you’re never allowed to move the phone pen. (Laughs. Monica lags behind the laugh a little bit.) Phoebe: Good that’s a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? Y’know? Does Rachel move the phone pen? Monica: Aw, sometimes. Always, actually. Phoebe: Okay, good. There you go. Doesn’t anyone feel better? Monica: Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages. Rachel: You get your messages! Monica: Yeah, well I don’t think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you fall asleep on the couch. Rachel: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom? Phoebe: Great! It worked! No one’s sad. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are just finishing up another game of foosball.] Joey: (scores) Yes! I win again! Ha-ha! That’s like 500 bucks you owe me! Whoo-ho-hoo! (Goes over to the fridge and starts opening and closing the door rapidly.) $500 that is a loooot of electricity! (By the way, there’s nothing in the fridge.) Whoo-ho-ho! (Notices the sparseness of the fridge.) I gotta buy some food. Chandler: Okay, give me a chance to win my money back. Okay? Sudden death, one goal, $1,000. Joey: You serious? Chandler: Oh yes! Joey: Okay, get ready to owe me! Chandler: Okay. Joey: Okay, here we go. Ready? [In slow motion, as some haunty demonic music plays in the background, Joey throws the ball in, Chandler quits playing and goes for his Chinese food. Joey smacks the ball really hard, shting it down the table. Chandler slowly takes a bite, the ball bounces off of the wall, heads back up the table, and scores the goal for Chandler.] Chandler: No! No! No! No—(Joey looks at him)—one can bat me. (In frustration, Joey kicks the table, breaking it.) Chandler: See? Now, that’s why only the little fake men are supposed to do all the kicking. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel and Phoebe move a box into the living room.] Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Ross! (To Rachel) See? Other people call me! Rachel: Ooh, your brother. Score! Monica: (on phone) What’s up? Ross: Oh, I’m just over here with Ben. I thought we’d say hi. Monica: Oh, put him on! Ross: Ben, say hi to Aunt Monica. (He holds the phone to the fake Ben he has created out of a pumpkin.) Oh, I guess he doesn’t feel like talking right now. He’s smiling though! Okay, talk to you later. [Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, Rachel is entering carrying two glasses of wine. She gives one to Phoebe, keeps one, and completely ignores Monica.] Phoebe: Yeah, I think it was better when you guys were sad. Hey, uh, remember the roller blades? Rachel: You know what else I’m not gonna miss? "I’m Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it!" Monica: "Hi I’m Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I’d better wash it and shrink it!" Rachel: "I’m Monica, I don’t get phone messages from interesting people. Ever!" Phoebe: Hey! I call her! Monica: "Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!" Rachel: "Oh my God, I can’t find a boyfriend! So I guess I’ll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!" (Monica picks up one of those boxes of hair curling things, dumps it in a box, and storms out.) Phoebe: Yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations. (Phoebe dumps a drawer full of makeup into a box.) Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is examining the broken foosball table as Chandler enters from his room.] Chandler: Still broken? Joey: This sucks man! The last night you’re here and I lose the two most important things in my life, the foosball table and $500. Chandler: Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little Blackjack? (Holds up a deck of cards.) Joey: Nah, not my game. Chandler: Okay, uh, how about, how about—y’know what? We could play a new game. A new game, it’s fun. Joey: Well, what’s it called? Chandler: Cups. Joey: I don’t know how to play Cups. Chandler: I’ll teach ya! Come on, come on, it’s really easy and really, really fun. Joey: All right. Chandler: Okay, here you go. (He deals out two cards each.) I have two queens, what do you have? Joey: A two and a five. Chandler: Ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars! Joey: Really?! Chandler: Oh yeah! Okay, let’s play again. (He deals out two cards each again.) What do you got? Joey: A four and a nine. Chandler: You’re kidding right? Joey: No. Why? Chandler: Well that’s a full cup! (Pays him again.) Joey: Damn! I am good at Cups! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is whining to Phoebe about Rachel.] Monica: I’m not talking to her! Phoebe: Well, one of you has to take the first step! And it should be you, because she’s the one who’s leaving. It’s harder for her! Monica: Well, maybe you’re right—She made fun of my phone pen! Phoebe: I know, I took it hard too. (Monica goes into Rachel’s room.) Monica: Listen Rachel, I feel really bad about—What are you doing? (She sees that Rachel is unpacking.) Rachel: I’m unpacking! Monica: What?! Rachel: I’m not moving! (She re-hangs a picture, crookedly.) Is that picture straight? Monica: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left! Rachel: Hey, y’know what? You’re the one who wants to make this big change and move in with Chandler! You should be the one to go! Why should I have to leave?! Monica: Because it’s my apartment! Rachel: Well it’s mine too! What else you got?! Monica: How about, you’re moving!! (Grabs a bunch of clothes and throws them into a box. What follows is a brief sequence of Rachel unpacking and Monica packing the same stuff over and over again as Rachel chants "No." and Monica chants "Yes.") Rachel: Look! This is ridiculous. We should be packing you!! (She knocks over Monica, grabs a box, and runs into the kitchen.) Phoebe: Hey, how are you guys doing? Rachel: Great! Monica’s moving! Monica: (entering) I am not! Rachel: Oh really?! Then how come all your stuff is in this box?! (Monica starts chasing Rachel around the table.) Phoebe: Okay, you guys. You guys I think I know what’s going on here. Okay, you guys… STOP!! (They stop.) I know that, I know that you’re acting mad because you think that it’ll make it easier to leave. But deep down you’re still really sad. Deep-deep down. Monica: No Phoebe I am mad! Phoebe: Well, deep-deep-deep down! Rachel: Yeah, I’m just mad! Phoebe: Then keep running. (They resume the chase.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they’re still playing Cups.] Chandler: You win. Joey: Well, what did you have? Chandler: It doesn’t matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far? Joey: Uh, (counts the money) wow, 700. Chandler: Not 700 exactly? Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Double it! (He does.) Joey: What? Chandler: Well you see in Cups, once you get $700, you have to double it. Joey: Really? Chandler: Hey, I didn’t make up the rules. Now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500. (Joey gets excited.) Don’t get to excited because that’s not gonna happen unless you get—No way! (He takes the top card, which is the two of clubs. Of course, any card would’ve won. Chandler pays him.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica carries a box out of Rachel’s room.] Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I’m just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?" Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler. Phoebe: Hey you guys, I don’t mean to make things worse, but umm, I don’t want to live with Rachel anymore. Monica and Rachel: What?! Phoebe: You’re just so mean to each other! And I don’t want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you! Rachel: Well, Phoebe that’s fine because I’m not moving. Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y’know I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y’know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate. Rachel: Oh really? Like what Monica? Monica: Y’know she has 147,000 pairs of boots… Rachel: Oh yeah, good start Mon. Monica: She lets you borrow them. Rachel: Yeah and you stretch ‘em out with your big old clown feet. Monica: Do you wanna live outside?! Because it’s gettin’ cold! (To Phoebe) She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she’ll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I’d like. Phoebe: What else? Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror. Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that. Phoebe: That’s nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom. Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket. Rachel: Well y’know, I don’t want you to be cold. Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! (They both break down in tears.) Rachel: Oh, it’s gonna be fine. Phoebe: Okay Rachel, I can’t wait to live with you! And you know what we should do? Bring Monica and then we could all live there together! We’ll have so much fun!! Rachel: But honey, I think she’s moving in with Chandler. Phoebe: Oh that’s right. You’re still set on that? Monica: Kinda. (She hugs Phoebe and looks out the window. She moves closer to it to get a better look.) Oh my God! [Cut to Ross’s apartment, he’s watching TV and eating some popcorn as the phone rings.] Ross: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Mon, how’s the packing going? (Listens) Ben? He’s fine. Yeah, he’s right—Oh my God! (He looks over at the fake Ben and notices that the head has fallen off.) Get your head of your shirt there son! (He tries to push the pumpkin through the neck hole.) What? (Listens) Yeah, it’s a pumpkin. I’ll come pack. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (Ohh, that’s the last time I’m ever gonna type that line. It’s just so sad.) Joey is entering, angrily.] Joey: Hey! Chandler: What’s wrong? Joey: Ross and I were helping the girls pack, took a little break, I lost $1,500 to him in Cups! Chandler: Wh-How did you lose at Cups?! Joey: The same way you lost. I started out with a King and a Queen, bamn! Ross gets a 2 and a 3. Then I get a Jack and a King, boom! Ross gets a 4 and a 5! Ross was getting the Cup card, the D-Cup, the Sittin’ Down Bonus! Meanwhile, I didn’t even get half a cup! Nothin’!! Chandler: Oh man!! Joey: And he never played before either! Y’know what I think? I think beginner’s luck, very important in Cups. Chandler: All right, let’s play one more hand! One more! Joey: No, no, no more! I cannot lose another dime! I’m serious this time! In-in fact, look, there’s a—I wanna give you something. And let me give it too you know before I pawn it for Cups money. (He rolls the big white dog over) Now, I want you to have the big white dog as a kinda of a, y’know, thank you for being such a great roommate. Chandler: I can’t take the big white dog! You love it! Joey: It’s him, not it! Chandler: No, but wait—what if I bought it from you, y’know? And your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say (Gets choked up) $1,500? Joey: Wait a second, I see what you’re trying to do here! You-you’re trying to give me money again! Chandler: When did I try to give you money? Joey: Over there! (Points to the couch) Before, with the bills! You tried to give some charity, I said "No," you dropped it. Okay? Then we had a nice last night together, we had some fun, we gambled, nobody tried to give anybody any money! Now out of the blue, you start with the charity thing again! Chandler: I’m just trying to help you out! Okay? I wanna make sure that you’re okay. Joey: I will be okay! Look Chandler, you gotta get it out of your head that I can’t take care of myself. Okay? Look, I’m not gonna miss you helping me out with money. The only thing that I’m gonna miss…is you. And now the dog. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, (And that’s the last time for that line, no more Chandler and Joey’s or Monica and Rachel’s, ever!) Joey and Ross are carrying the last table of Rachel’s. Rachel follows slowly, but is stopped by Monica.] Monica: Hey. Call me when you get there. Okay? Rachel: Okay. Monica: I’m really gonna miss you. (They hug.) Rachel: Oh! I have your key. Here you go. (Hands it to Monica.) Monica: Thanks. Rachel: Yeah. (Silence ensues.) Rachel: Oh God! This is silly, I’m gonna see you in a couple of hours! (They hug again.) Monica: Yeah. Rachel: Bye house! (They break the embrace.) Rachel: Bye Mon. Monica: Bye. (Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel’s old and now empty room.) Chandler: (entering) Hey. Monica: She really left. Chandler: I know. (He kisses her.) Monica: Thank you. Chandler: No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.) Monica: Can I ask you a question? Chandler: Sure! Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?! (She notices the dog sitting in the living room.) (And with that, an era ends as Chandler moves in with Monica as Rachel moves in with Phoebe. It ‘tis a sad and happy time for Friends.) Ending Credits [Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler is trying to get Joey’s money back from Ross.] Chandler: I invented the game of Cups as a way to give Joey money. Ross: And now you want that money back. Chandler: Exactly. Ross: Chandler, what kind of an idiot do you take me for? (As he picks up the fake Ben.) Chandler: It’s not a real game! I made it up! Ross: I’m sorry you lost your money, but I won it fair and square. Chandler: At a fake game!! Ross: Now, if you wanna try to make some of it back, I’d be glad to play you for it. But I should warn you, I am very good at Cups. Chandler: Okay! Now I assume the Saucer card came up when you played last. Ross: No. Chandler: Hmm, let’s see if it comes up this time. (He looks at his cards and shrugs.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x06 - The One The Last Night"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Kiza Abuzahra With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s new apartment, Rachel and Phoebe are making their answering machine message.] Phoebe: Ready? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Hi... Phoebe: it's... Rachel: Rachel... Phoebe: and… Rachel: Phoebe’s... Phoebe: please... Rachel: leave... Phoebe: leave… Rachel: Wait, I-I just said "leave." Phoebe: Yeah, I know because you have all the good words. What do I get? I get "it’s," "and" oh I'm sorry, I have "A." Forget it. Rachel: Phoebe, come on that's silly. Phoebe: All right, so let's switch. Rachel: No, I have all of the good words. OK, fine, fine, we can switch. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Hi… Rachel: Everybody… Phoebe: It's… Rachel: Rachel… Phoebe: and… Rachel: Phoebe’s… Phoebe: Please...wait, how did you do that? Rachel: What? Phoebe: Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are you? Rachel: Phoebe, come on can we finish this later? Cause I wanna go running before it gets dark. Oh! Why don't you come with me?! Phoebe: Really? Rachel: Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll run in the park. It'll be like our first y’know roommate bonding thing. Phoebe: Okay, let's go running! Rachel: Yeah and there's really cute guys there. Phoebe: Let's run towards them! Rachel: OK! Phoebe: All right, wait just one more second. Hi, it's Phoebe and Rachel's. Please leave a message, thanks! Rachel: Now wait a minute. You just took all the words! Phoebe: Uh-huh. You've met your match Rachel Green. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s new apartment, Ross and Chandler are there.] Ross: So, I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and-and-and live forever as a machine. Chandler: (not amused) And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open. [Monica enters] Monica: Hey! Ross and Chandler: Hey! Monica: (jumps over a box) Honey, that's a great idea nailing the boxes to the floor! Chandler: I didn't nail the boxes to the floor. Monica: Oh, So you can move them! Chandler: Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross has a great computer story for you. [Joey enters with his new roommate who is played by none other than Elle MacPherson.] Joey: Hey everybody! Uh, I'd like you to meet Janine. She's-she's gonna be my new roommate! Janine: Hi. Ross: Hi! (Rushes over to shake her hand instantly.) Janine: Hi Joey: Yeah, she's gonna live with me! Monica: It's nice to meet you. Janine...? Janine: Lecroix. Janine Lecroix Joey: I didn't know that! Well, what a pretty last name! Chandler: So, uh, wh-where ya from? Janine: Australia, I just moved here a couple of weeks ago. Joey: (shocked) From the land down under? I didn't know that either! Ross: So uh, wha-uh, what do you do? Janine: I'm a dancer. Joey: You're a dancer? She-she's a dancer! Janine: Well, I think I'll go and unpack. Joey: Oh, hey let me. (Opens the door for Janine and after he closes the door behind her gasps ecstatically.) Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in? Joey: Of course I did. Monica: Uh-huh, what exactly did you ask her? Joey: "When can you move in?" Ross: Thank you for bringing her into our lives. Chandler: Unbelievable Monica: Oh, so you like her too Chandler? Chandler: Hey, look at all the boxes! Joey: Ugh, I cannot wait to ask her out! Monica: Wait a minute...Joey. Joey you can't ask her out, she's your roommate. It-it'll be way too complicated. Ross: Yeah, yeah man don't do it. I mean if you date her, then-then-then I can't date her. Chandler: All right, think about it. Now remember when you were going out with that girl Donna and you guys broke up. Remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped into each other at the supermarket? Joey: Oh God, yeah. Chandler: Now imagine you live at the supermarket. Joey: (happily) Okay! Chandler: No-no Joey: Oh, Oh, you're right! I don't want that. I can't date her! Monica: Yeah and you better watch the flirting too, cause you know, in such close quarters, it could be trouble. Joey: Well, that's gonna be tough Mon. I mean it's hard for me to be around an attractive woman and not flirt. Monica: (chuckles) Hmm, well you're around me all the time and you don't flirt. Joey: You a little sad about that sweetheart? [Scene, The Park: Phoebe and Rachel are getting ready to go running] Phoebe: I have to tie my shoe, so you go ahead, I'll catch up. Rachel: Okay. (Runs off.) Phoebe: Okay. (Starts running crazily with her arms flapping and her legs far apart) Come on! That's not running! Let's go! (Rachel pauses, then follows, embarrassed.) [Scene, Central Perk: Rachel, Ross and Monica are there] Rachel: You guys, I'm telling you, when she runs, she looks like a cross between Kermit The Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man. Ross: Monica had such a crush on him. Yeah, she used to kiss his poster every night before she went to bed. Rachel: Oh! I used to do that too! Monica: Did you also have his album, It's Not Easy Being Green? Rachel: Aw, Mon...(Kisses her on the cheek) Monica: So, Phoebe runs weird huh? Rachel: Yeah, yeah and you know what, I know she's gonna wanna run again, I just don't know how to get out of it, I mean, I live with her. Monica: Why don't you just be straight with her? Tell her the truth. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: You're right, you're right. I should just tell her the truth. [Phoebe enters] Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Pheebs, Monica tripped me, I don't think I can ever run again, ever! Phoebe: Why? Why would you do that? Monica: I don't know. Rachel I'm-I'm sorry that I hurt your ankles. Rachel: Ankle. Monica: We'll see. [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s new apartment, Chandler is putting something away under the sink.] Chandler: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. (Turns around and sees that Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming from a box) Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack. (Hears the giggling again) Joey: (jumps out of the box) I Gotcha!! Chandler: (pretending) Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attck. Joey: Boy, it was so hard not to laugh, I tell ya. Hey, hey, the place looks great! Chandler: Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monica’s gonna be working late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me? Joey: (raises his hand) I don't! No, I wanna live with the super-hot Australian dancer. Chandler: Yeah, now how's that going though? Are you okay with the not-flirting thing? Joey: Yeah. Well, so far yeah. But it's tough you know? I got all this built up flirting energy and I don't know how to get rid of it. (Gives Chandler the "Joey-love," look.) How you doin? [Scene Joey and Janine’s new apartment, Janine is there. Joey walks in to see Janine bent over, stretching.] Joey: (voice cracking) Ohhhh man Janine: Sorry, there's just more room out here. Joey: No-no-no-no-no, it's-it's uh, you just uh, uh reminded me that uh, I need to do my stretches too. (Starts to stretch, groans painfully) Janine: (touches his waist) Why don't you try to do- Joey: (jumps up and yells) Janine: What's wrong? Joey: Uh-uh nothing. I-I-I-I didn't want you to touch me cause I'm -I'm all sweaty from the workout. I better ht the shower. (Goes into the bathroom and comes back out quickly) Oh my God! Janine: Oh, sorry about that stuff hanging in there. It's just my thongs are too delicate for the dryer. (Joey laughs nervously and goes to his bedroom.) [Scene, The Park, Rachel is running and Phoebe is hiding behind a tree.] Phoebe: (jumps in front of Rachel) Hi! Oh yeah, uh-huh, it's me. I saw you grab your running shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so you could run by yourself. Rachel: No, no Phoebe no, I was...no. You know what, I was, I was actually just checking to, see, if I could run. And I can! Phoebe: Please Rachel, I am not an idiot. (Runs off) Rachel: No, wait Phoebe. [Scene, Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler is there. Everything is out of its place and Chandler's cleaning.] Ross: (enters) Wow, couples who live together do start to look alike. So, Mondler...uh, what uh, what ‘cha doin? Chandler: What does it look like I'm doing? I am cleaning! Ross: Did you get Monica's authorization to move all of her stuff? Chandler: Authorization? I don't need that. I'm gonna put everything back. Ross: Put it back exactly where you found it? Chandler: Yes I'm gonna put it back (Mocking Ross) exactly where I found it. Ross: ‘Kay, first of all, this attitude is not helping. Chandler: She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place. Ross: Whoa, hello, did you just meet Monica? Chandler: She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it. Ross: Hmm -you know, actually this'll work out well. Cause when you have to move back in with Joey, Joey's hot new roommate can come and live with me. Chandler: I see, I see, y-y-you're trying to freak me out. Ross: Look Chandler, Monica is really weird about this kind stuff all right. Believe me, I lived with her for 16 years. She is going to freak…out. Oh my God, she's going to sit on you. Chandler: No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right now. (Picks up the phone and wipes it off) Phone's done ehh. Monica: (on phone) Hi! Chandler: Hey Mon, how's it going? Monica: Terrible. If-if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. Other people just wreck stuff. I really think I might kll someone tonight. Chandler: Oh come on, come on, it can't be that bad. Monica: It's worse. The only thing that's getting me through is knowing that I'm gonna be seeing you soon. I think I may even try to get out of here early. Chandler: No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there. Monica: Well, are you just hanging out with Ross? Chandler: It's, all good! Okay bye-bye Mon! (To Ross) She's-she's gonna kll me. Ross: Yeah, the phone was facing the other way. (Chandler fixes it and a picture frame off the table.) And that goes back up there. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, continued from earlier.] Chandler: We should start with the big stuff. Y’know? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. (He picks up one end and Ross doesn't help) I got it. (He moves it back to where he thinks it goes.) Ross: Yeah that-that, doesn't look right. Chandler: What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the...(Tries to rest his feet on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table. Ross: Whoa, whoa, but then the back of the couch won't line up with he back of the carpet. Chandler: OK well here, we'll just move the coffee table closer to the couch. Ross: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, but then the coffee table won't be centered in the seating area. Chandler: Yes, but the coffee table doesn't match the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...Rooosss!!!! Joey: (entering) Look, what am I gonna do? I'm not flirting but still, I'm drawing her to me like - like a moth to a flame! (Tries to put his feet on the coffee table...they won't reach and looks around.) What the hell's going on over here?!?!? (Points to Chandler) Monica's gonna kll you! Look I need your help, I have to do something to-to repel this woman! Wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys repel women all the time. Ross: Hey, I've been married 3 times (Chandler gives him a round of mock applause.) Joey: No-no-no I've seen it happen, you-you get a rapport going with a woman but somehow you manage to kll it. What's your secret? Ross: Look, we do not repel women OK? That is completely untrue. Chandler: Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember when we were back in college and we went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine? Ross: Yeah, well what about you? You weren't you know, so hot in college either. After everything he said, he'd go "ba dum bum chessh" Chandler: Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that. Ross: Oh y'know what, girls don't like it when I start talking about science. Chandler: That's not specific to girls. Joey: This is great, this is great, what else, what else? Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar. Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny. Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you. Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica. Ross: (nonchalantly) I'm never gonna find love again. [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.] Rachel: Hey Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Sure Rachel: Okay, um, I...(Phoebe walks into her room.) All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you. Phoebe: So, what should you have done? Rachel: Well, I-I should've told you the truth. Phoebe: Uh-Huh, Which is...? Rachel: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna go running with you is because um, well y'know the way that you run is a little...(Starts flapping her arms) Phoebe: So? Rachel: Well, it's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy. Phoebe: Why do you care? Rachel: Because they're people. Phoebe: But people that you don't know and will never see again. Rachel: Yes, but still. They're people…with eyes. Phoebe: Well, I didn't get embarrassed running next to Miss (panting). But no, okay. No, no, I can see why running with me would be embarrassing to you. Yeah, okay. You're uptight. Rachel: I-I am not uptight—Hey-hey-hey-oh-oh! Listen, I am not uptight, man. Phoebe: That's okay Rachel. I'm not judging you; that's just who you are. Me. I'm more free y'know? I run like I did when I was a kid, cause that's the only way it's fun. Y'know, I mean didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? Y'know, like when you were like running towards the swings or running away from Satan? (Rachel looks confused) The neighbor's dog. [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler has the tape measure out and is busy lining up the lamp on the kitchen counter, Ross is supervising the whole operation.] Chandler: Okay, is this lamp in the same place? Ross: Who cares? I repel women. [Monica tries to come in] Chandler: (blocks the door) No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! You can't come in here! R-r-r-r-Ross is naked. Monica: What?! Ross: (whispers) What?! Chandler: (to Ross) I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed too see me naked. Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked? Monica: Why is Ross naked? Ross: I-I had to show Chandler something? Monica: Naked? Ross: Yeah-yeah I uh, I have a uh, a guy problem. Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had? Chandler: Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you can come back later. Monica: Okay, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine under the sink in the bathroom. Bye! Chandler: Bye! Thank God Ross: Dude, what'd you have? Chandler: Look, we have no time okay? We must focus. We gotta get everything back into its original place. Ross: (realizes something) The photo album! There were millions of pictures of the apartment in the photo album. We just go through it and match everything to the pictures. Chandler: That's perfect! That's brilliant! (Starts going through the photo album) Ross: So really, what'd ya have? [Scene: Joey and Janine's, Janine's there. Joey enters] Janine: Hey Joey, I got some beer for you. Joey: Uh, don't you mean "for whom?" Janine: Sure, listen I was gonna order some pizza, you wanna share one? Joey: Pizza, heh, its not like I never had that before...ba dum bum cheshhh. Janine: Is there something wrong? Joey: All right, All right, let's just get this out in the open okay? You're hot. I'm lovable. Clearly there's a vibe going on between us. But, we're roommates and it's a huge mistake for us to continue down this road. Janine: Joey... Joey: No, no, no, I'm telling ya. Imagine yourself living in a supermarket and you will understand okay? So the question is, what do we do? Janine: Well, I don't think there is anything to do. I mean I think you're really sweet, but I'm just not interested in you like that. Joey: Oh! Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you. Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on. Janine: I don't think so. Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin? Janine: I'm OK Joey: What?!?! Janine: What? Joey: Oh dear God! [Scene: The park, Rachel's running by herself and panting. After a little while she decides to run like Phoebe.] Rachel: (Runs into Phoebe.) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you were right, this feels great! Phoebe: See? And you don't care if people are staring, it's just for a second cause then you're gone! Rachel: Gone! I mean its amazing Pheebs. I feel so free and so graceful. (Turns and bumps into a mounted policeman and falls) Hey! Look out for the horse! Sorry! (Runs off.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler and Ross are there. Monica enters] Monica: Is it okay for me to come in now? Chandler: Uh-huh Monica: Why is everything different? Ross: Bye! (Runs out) Chandler: No, I don't see anything different other than the fact that the room got so much brighter when you came into it. (Forced laughter) Monica: Well, the end table is wrong, The couch looks bizarre and don't even get me started on the refrigerator magnets. Chandler: Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay? But after I unpacked the boxes I wanted to do something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the apartment. So I moved everything around and then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Monica: It's okay. Chandler, are you afraid of me or something? Chandler: Do you want me to be afraid of you? Monica: Of course not. I mean gosh, Chandler what you did, it's, it's a wonderful thing and I really appreciate it. I know I have this weird thing where I want everything to be in the perfect place, but I'd never expect you to worry about that. Chandler: Really? Monica: Of course! Chandler: Oh well you're the best. You come here to me. Monica: All right, hold on okay? First thing's first. (Gets her cleaning gloves on) Okay, now did Ross sit anywhere while he was naked? Closing Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Janine and Chandler are there] Ross: So it said that by the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same number of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically we could download our thoughts and our memories into this computer... Janine: ...and live forever as a machine! Ross: That's so Janine, you-you-you know what, do you know we're doing right now? You and I, we're interfacing. Janine: Yeah, I gotta go. Chandler: Ba dum bumb cheshhh! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x07 - The One Where Phoebe Runs"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Perry Rein and Gigi McCreey Transcribed by: Aaron D. Howard-Miller [Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Chandler knocks on the front door. Joey answers the door.] Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hi, my name’s Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source? Joey: Sure, neighbor come on in. Chandler: So, is Janine around? Joey: Uh, no, she’s at dance class. Chandler: Can I check out what she did to my room? Joey: Yeah, but, hey look, don’t go through her stuff. She gets really mad.(Chandler gives him a look and walks to the door of his old room.) Chandler: (The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th… it’s like a guy never lived in here. Look, you’ve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) It’s spreading already. Joey: (Looking around the room.) It is??? Chandler: (Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch? Joey: No. Chandler: (Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little box, that’s too small to put anything in? Joey: No. Chandler: No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go, you’re going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff. Joey: (With Big Eyes.) All right, you’re right. I’ll talk to her. Chandler: Yes talk to her. Be a man. Joey: I’m a man. Chandler: Defend yourself. Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.) Monica: Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle. Chandler: Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, The gangs all here. Monica is walking in.] Monica: Hey guys. Chandler: Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary? Monica: It was okay. She’s still kind of depressed because she broke up with her boyfriend. Chandler: Ohh, yeah. Ross: Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant chef Hillary? Monica: Yeah. Ross: The one that always stares at me when I come in? Monica: No, the one who looked at you once because you got in her way. Ross: Still I could tell. She was into me. (Joey rolls his eyes.) Well, why don’t you set us up? Rachel: Ohh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress? Phoebe: (Walking over and Sitting down.) Hey. Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: I’m, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdale’s and use the copy machine. Rachel: Well, sure, but they might think it’s kinda weird considering I don’t work there anymore. Phoebe: Oh my God. What happened? Rachel: I-I, got a job at Ralph Lauren. Phoebe: Well that’s great! Congratulations!! (She hugs Rachel.) Rachel: Yeah. (chuckling) A year ago.. Phoebe: (Hugging her again.) You’ve lasted a whole year. Good for you. Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesn’t see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesn’t like me very much. Chandler: That’s weird. I don’t think my boss likes me either. Monica: I don’t think mine likes me either. Ross: Maybe it’s a universal thing? Joey: Or maybe, it’s because you’re hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday. (Everybody gets up.) Chandler: Yeah let’s head off to work. Monica: We should go. [Scene: Rachel’s office, Phoebe hands Rachel a key card.] Phoebe: Thank you. Rachel: Sure. Phoebe: Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in. Rachel: Oh my God. Did you talk to him? Phoebe: Yeah a little. He seems really nice. Good kisser. Rachel: What? What!?! You kissed him? Phoebe: Totally. Rachel: (Gasps) Phoebe are you serious? Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, we’re making out. You know. Rachel: Phoebe, I mean, you do know he’s married? Phoebe: No! Rachel: Phoebe… Phoebe: What am I supposed to do? Ask every guy I make out with if he’s married? (Rachel looks at her.) No, yeah, I should. [Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey stares at a picture of a bay on the wall. Janine comes out of her room.] Janine: Hey Joey. Joey: Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second? This, uh, kid in this picture. Do you, uh, know this kid? Is that like a relative or something? Janine: No, I just thought it was cute. Joey: Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of.. Okay, uhh…Look Janine I really want you to feel at home here, but some of this new stuff. It’s…too girly. Janine: Ohh. Like what? Joey: Like this. (pointing to the picture) Pictures of cute babies we don’t know. We..we can’t have that. Janine: Joey, it’s Anne Geddes. She’s a famous artist. Joey: Look I don’t know this baby. I don’t know if she’s a famous artist or not. You know, and I don’t want to be a jerk but you’re changing too much around here. Janine: Well, I’m sorry. I just thought I’d try to make the place a little nicer. Joey: Yeah but it’s too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can. Janine: Well I just thought… Joey: I’m sure it’s a famous watering can, okay. But, come on…and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom? Janine: It’s a curling iron. Joey: Ohh, well, that’s ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. It’s up here on some hook..and…smells different. Janine: It’s clean. Joey: Yeah, well, it feels different. Janine: It’s dry. Joey: Alright, I can make my peace with the clean dry towels…Also what is with these chips you bought? Janine: No no no no, it’s potpourri. You’re supposed to smell it. (Joey takes a big whiff of the potpourri.) Joey: (Voice cracking) Well that’s like summer in a bowl. [Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Rachel gets on her boss Kim is there.] Rachel: Oh, Kim, Hi. (Kim doesn’t even look up from her report.) Kim: Uhh-huh. Rachel: So you know, I…I handed in that marketing report and I never got to hear what you thought. Kim: I didn’t read it. Rachel: Ahh….So…Wow…The spring line, it’s really going to be great this year, huh? Kim: Yeah. Rachel: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room. (Kim stops the elevator and turns to Rachel.) Kim: Tell me everything. [Scene; Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch. Ross walks in.] Ross: Hey guys. Chandler and Monica: Hey. Ross: What’s up? (He smiles. His teeth are freakishly white.) Chandler: You know…Oh My God. Monica: What happened to your teeth. Ross: I whitened them. Chandler: (Sarcastically) Really. Ross: Yeah. What do you think. Monica: Well, I think I shouldn’t look directly at them. Ross: Come on, seriously. Monica: Ross they’re really, really, really white. Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old…human teeth. Ross: Ahh, I-I did leave the gel on a little longer then it said to. Monica: How much longer? Ross: A-A day. Monica: Ross you know that tonight is your date with Hillary? Ross: I know. That’s why I did it. (With a big smile) Come on, are they really that bad? Chandler: No, no no no. You’ll be fine. (turning to Monica) Hillary’s bind, right? Monica: She will be after tonight. Chandler: Yeah. (Rachel walks in.) Ross: Oh, hey, hey Rach, do you notice anything..ahh… Rachel: Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. (Sitting down on the couch.) You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Chandler: What??? Monica: Oh my god. Rachel: Yeah I know. She ran into him at my office and they just…made out. And the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it was the best gossip she’d heard all year. Chandler: I am proud of all my friends today. Monica: My God, Rachel, I can’t believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Ohh, I’m so jealous. (Chandler looks at her.) Chandler: Hi, I’m Chandler. Your live-in boy Monica: Chandler, please, come on. Look at him. (Pointing to a picture of Ralph on a magazine,.) Chandler: Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of her flyer and sees the picture of Ralph.) Ohh, who’s the silver fox? Rachel: That-that is your make out buddy. Don’t you recognize him? (Holding up the magazine in front of her face.) Oh wait. Ohh, Phoebe I love you. Kiss me please. Phoebe: That’s not Ralph Lauren. Sounds like him though. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Yeah, no, Ralph doesn’t look anything like that guy. He’s-he’s young and he’s got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack. Rachel: Oh My God, Phoebe, that’s not Ralph Lauren. That’s Kenny the copy guy. Phoebe: What? Rachel: Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. Phoebe!! Phoebe: Why would the copy guy say he was Ralph Lauren? Rachel: To get you to make out with him!!! Phoebe: Ohhh. [Scene: Ross’s Apartment, Ross and Monica are there.] Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that don’t work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple. Ross: I don’t know what I’m going to do. That date starts in like an hour. Monica: Hey Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter. Your teeth wouldn’t look so bright. Ross: Oh great. So all I need to do is get some new skin. Thank you. Monica: I’m just saying, if we put just a little bit of makeup on you. Ross: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. We’re not 13 anymore. Monica: Ross this is the only thing left that has a sht at working. Ross: But, won’t she notice I have makeup on? Monica: Please. Half the guys out there have makeup on. Ross: What?? Monica: All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see. Ross: No. I am not putting on makeup. (Knock at the door. Phoebe enters.) Phoebe: Hello. Oh good. Ross could you put up some of these flyers for me? (He smiles at her.) OH!! Demon!! Demon!! [Scene: Chandler’s and Monica’s apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.] Monica: Now are drawers will smell nice and we didn’t waste these pantyhose. Chandler: Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I’m going to go over to Joey’s. Monica: Wait, we’re supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer. Chandler: Yes, but I feel like I’ve really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think we’re two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple. Monica: You know what? This has been kind of a girlie day. You’re right, I’m sorry. Chandler: Nah, Nah, it’s okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing. Monica: Yeah. Go over to Joey’s. Go over to Joey’s and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall. Chandler: You know when guys hang out they don’t just drink some beer and hammer up drywall? Monica: When girls hang out, we don’t have pillow fights in our underwear. (Chandler gets a hurt look on his face.) I’m sorry. We do. We do. I don’t know why I said that. [Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the kitchen counter.] Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. We’re knitting pot holders. Chandler: No thanks, Josephine. [Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.] Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if… Oh my God!! Where are all the men??? [Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Kim’s waiting for it. The door opens and Rachel is inside.] Rachel: Ohh, hi, Kim. Kim: Hi Rachel. Rachel: Yeah, remember that thing I told you that happened yesterday? Well it didn’t happen. Kim: You didn’t cancel the fabric order from Taiwan? Rachel: Okay, two things didn’t happen. Remember I told you that someone made out with Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out that’s not true. Kim: That’s not true? Rachel: No. Kim: Oh that’s interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel. Rachel: Oh no, no, no. Oh God, you think I made out with him. Kim: Listen to me. If you think sleeping with Ralph is going to get you my job. You are sadly mistaken. Rachel: I-I don’t want your job. I-I don’t. Ohh this is such a mistake. I did not make out with him. Nobody made out with him. I did not use my keycard yesterday. I don’t even know how to use my keycard. (The elevator stops. Ralph steps on.) Kim: Hi Ralph. Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. (dad silence until Ralph gets off the elevator.) Kim: Yeah, nothing happen. You could cut the sexual tension in here with a Knfe. [Scene: Hillary’s apartmen,. Hillary and Ross are having dinner. He is avoiding opening his mouth.] Hillary: And after that, what could I do except become a chef. Ross: Mmm-Hmm. Hillary: And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant. Ross: Mmm. Hillary: You know, you’re a really great listener. Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk. Ross: Mm-Hmm. Hillary: After a while it’s like, shut your mouth, you know? Ross: (Chuckling) Hmm-Hmm. Hillary: I’ve probably been talking too much. Why don’t we talk about you a little bit? Ross: Mmm-Unmm. Hillary: Come on. I want to know. Ross: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Putting his hand up to block his mouth.) Okay. I, uh, am from Long Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um, have a 5 year old son and in my spare time I like to read spy novels. But, but, let’s talk more about you. Hmm. [Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey and Monica are arranging flowers. Chandler walks in.] Joey: So what’s really neat. If you sear the stems of the flowers first in a frying pan, your arrangement will look fresh much longer. Monica: Oh my God, Joey, that is such a great tip. Chandler: Monica, could you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to the girl with the flowers. Monica: Okay. Oh but Joey, come over later because I’m going to teach you to make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut butter. Joey: Ohh, I love birds. (Monica leaves. Chandler shuts the door.) Chandler: What is the matter with you ?!? Joey: What? Chandler: You’re arranging flowers! (Pointing to the dish on the table.) You got dad flowers! You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! This is not Joey!! Joey: Hey. Hey look I am still Joey, okay. Flowers they’re just, you know, they’re nice to look at. And that happens to be a picture by a famous artist. Of a famous baby. Chandler: You’re turning into a women. Joey: No I’m not. Why would you say that? That’s just mean. Chandler: Now I’ve upset you? What did I say? Joey: It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it….Oh My God, I’m a women!!! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there.] Rachel: Now, she thinks that I made out with him and I did it to get her job. Phoebe: But why didn’t you just tell her the truth. Rachel: I did but she doesn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to confuse Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren. Phoebe: Well, hey, what if Kenny were the real brains behind the whole company? You know. What if Kenny hired that Ralph Lauren guy to be the pretty front man? Huh, did she ever think of that? Rachel: You were with Kenny today, weren’t you? Phoebe: Just for a second. Rachel: Ohh, Phoebe, what am I going to do? Phoebe: Well, the only thing you can do. Sleep with Ralph Lauren. Rachel: I’m not going to sleep with Ralph Lauren. I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t. Phoebe: Ohh, sleep with Kenny. Rachel: That wouldn’t help me. Phoebe: Ohh, yes it would. [Scene: Hillary’s apartment, Hillary and Ross are finishing up their date.] Hillary: I’ve had a really good time tonight. Ross: Mmm. Hillary: You know, I rarely connect with someone this much on the first date. Ross: (Giggling) Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Picking up a piece of bread and covering his mouth.) Me, neither. I’ve had a really good time too, you know. (Putting the bread down.) Hillary: Are you going to eat that bread? Ross: (Putting the bread up to his nose.) Ohh, I just like the smell. (Sniffing it.) Mmmm. Hillary: (Laughing) You make me laugh. Ross: Hmm-Hmm. Hillary: Would you like to move over to the couch? Ross: Mmm-Hmm. (Picking up their wine glasses.) Hillary: Maybe I’ll just turn the lights down a little. Ross: (Covering his mouth with the glass.) How about all the way. Hillary: Okay. (She goes to turn the lights off and Ross sits on the couch. She has some black light posters on the wall.) Ross: (Looking at the posters.) Wow, cool poster. Or should I say groovy poster? (They sit down on the couch. Ross smiles and the black light fluoresces his teeth.) So, ahh, where were we? Hillary: Are those your teeth?? Ross: Ohh, you can see them, huh? Hillary: Yes. They’re insanely white. Ross: I-I, did that for you. Hillary: What’s a matter with you? Ross: What’s a matter with me? You’ve got a black light. It’s 1999! [Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren Offices, Rachel gets in . Kim is there.] Rachel: Kim, hi. Kim: Hi Rachel. Ohh, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Have you seen the new Ralph Lauren sheets? Ohh, what am I thinking. Of course you have. Rachel: Okay..Okay.. Look. I’m sorry that I lied to you before. You were right. Ralph and I were an item but were not anymore. Kim: Oh, really? Rachel: (Faking crying.) Yeah, he dumped me. He said, "Rachel, I can’t do this. Even though you are a very, very, very beautiful women. I can’t do this. I’m married and I’m sorry." And then I don’t know why but he said, "and you will never get promoted. Especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren machine." Kim: You expect me to believe..(Doors open, Ralph steps in.) Hi Ralph. Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. (d*ad silence again until he gets off.) Kim: Oh my God. He just gave you the coldest look I have ever seen. It’s like he hates you. Then it is true. Rachel: Of course it’s true and it hurts so bad. Kim: Ohh honey come here. (Hugging Rachel.) Ohh it will be ok. We’ve all been there. Rachel: You and Ralph? Kim: Kenny the copyboy. Ending Credits [Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey paces the floor waiting for Janine. She walks in.] Janine: Hey. Joey: Hey, uhh, I need to talk to you. Janine: What’s the matter? Are you upset? Joey: I’m sorry but we’ve got to get rid of all this girlie stuff in here. I, uh, I got to be a man! Okay. The living room has to remain a guy place, okay? That’s just the way it has to be. Janine: Well, if that’s what you want. I’ll just put it all in my room. Joey: Great…Great…and thanks for being so understanding. I mean, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this, you know. (She starts to collect all the girlie stuff up.) You could, uh, put the picture of the famous baby in my room. I mean, if you want to. Janine: Okay. Joey: And, uhh, maybe the watering can there. Janine: Sure. Joey: And a couple of these little tiny boxes. Janine: Joey? Do you want me to put it all in your room? Joey: (Smiling) Okay. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x08 - The One With Ross\u2019s Teeth"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Greg Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is mixing some Thanksgiving treat (I’m assuming mashed potatoes) in a bowl.] Monica: (on phone) Okay, great! Bye. (Hangs up as Chandler enters.) So guess who’s coming to Thanksgiving dinner? Chandler: Sidney Poitier? Hehheh. [Chandler throws his coat on the couch] Monica: (not amused by Chandler’s joke) I miss Rachel. (To Chandler) No, my parents. Chandler: Oh! That’s great, they haven’t seen the place since I moved in! [Monica goes to fiddle with something on the table.] Monica: Yeah, and y’know, if you could not mention to them that we live together, that would be great! (Quickly trying to change subjects), I was thinking we would eat around four. [Monica goes to the stove.] Chandler: (shocked at the news) Why can’t I tell them that we live together? Monica: Because they don’t know we’re dating. (Again, trying to quickly change subjects.) Do you think we should eat in the kitchen? (Goes to the sink and the stove to cook.) Chandler: Why haven’t you told them?! Monica: Um, well, I was going to, I-I-I really was. But um, then somewhere, just out of nowhere, I didn’t. Chandler: Why haven’t you told them?! Wouldn’t they be happy?! Monica: (trying to change subjects, excitedly) So! Dinner in the kitchen around four! I’ll see you then. (Pats Chandler on the shoulder and goes into the living room.) Chandler: Why wouldn’t they be happy? Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don’t like you. I’m sorry. Chandler: What? What? Why?! Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you’re really sarcastic, or that, y’know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch. Chandler: Is this why they don’t like me or why you don’t like me? Monica: Look, I know that I should’ve told them. I know I shouldn’t care what they think. I’m sorry. Chandler: Y’know, it’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. Because when they come over, I will be all charming, I will make them fall in love with me, and then we’ll tell ‘em. Monica: You really think that’ll work? Chandler: Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe, I won YOU over, didn’t I? Monica: (hugging Chandler) I don’t think you’ll ever get my parents that drunk! Opening Credits [Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Joey and Ross are playing Sony Playstation. Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good, Ross! You’re parents like me, right? [Chandler goes to stand to the side of the TV.] Ross: (only half-paying attention) Yes, of course they like you! Chandler: Well Monica just told me that they don’t. Ross: (not paying attention) Yeah, they don’t like you. Chandler: (annoyed) Do you know why? Ross: I dunno, maybe it’s because you’re really sarcastic. Or maybe it’s cause you uh- Chandler: (angry) Well if people don’t know they shouldn’t just guess! [Joey and Ross get annoyed with Chandler's outburst.] Chandler: This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for. Joey: Maybe I could give thanks for you shuttin’ up, eh? Chandler: Maybe I could give thanks by taking my Playstation over to my new apartment. Joey: Well maybe I love ya’. Chandler: [mocks that last comment]. [Chandler starts to leave as Janine enters] Janine [to Chandler]: Hey. Chandler: Hey. [Chandler exits] Janine: Hey guys! [Joey and Ross drop their video game controllers.] Ross: (trying to act manly in front of Janine) No I don’t want to play video games, Joey! Janine: Are you guys going to Chandler’s for Thanksgiving? Joey: Yeah! Yeah, why? What’s up? Janine: Well, me and my dancer friends are thinking of doing Thanksgiving uptown. I thought you guys might like to come. Ross: For real? Janine: No, but you should go to Chandler’s. Because none of us knows how to cook, we’ll probably just end up drinking all day. Joey: Ye-ye, we go to yours! Ross: Yeah, see, we-we-we have to stop across the hall, because it’s my sister. But, uh, uh y’know actually, growing up with a sister was nice because it really helped me understand women. Yeah, you-you should tell your friends that. Janine: (not sure of what to make of that) Okay. [Janine leaves] [Ross looks at Joey coyly.] Joey: How you got three women to marry you, I’ll never know. [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Phoebe enters with a paper turkey.] Phoebe: Hey! All: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Hey, Pheebs, check it out. Yeah, for my desert, I have chosen to make a traditional English trifle! Phoebe: Wow, that sounds great! And what are you making Monica, in case Rachel’s dessert is...[about to say “bad”] so good that I eat all of it. There’s none left for anybody else! [Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel laugh] Monica: Nothing. Rachel: (worried) Nothing? Monica: No, sweetie, I-I trust you. Rachel: So, if-if I mess this up, there’s nothing else for dessert? Monica: You’re not gonna mess it up. Rachel: Wow, Monica, I love that, you really have faith in me. Thank you. Technical question, how do you know when uh, the butter’s done? Monica: Well, it’s done about two minutes before it looks like that. [Joey and Ross enter.] Joey and Ross: Hey! All: Hey! Joey: Oh, ooh the food smells great, Mon! Ross: And the place looks so nice! Joey: Yeah, hey hey, Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Ross: Happy Thanksgiving! The Girls: Happy Thanksgiving! Joey: Well, this has been great! Ross: See ya! [Joey and Ross go to the door, ready to leave.] Monica: Whoa whoa whoa! Where’re you goin’? Ross: Oh, oh, we did say we’d stop by this little thing Joey’s roommate is having. Monica: Oh, Janine, the really hot dancer girl? Ross: Some would say she’s attractive, yes. Phoebe: And who else is going to be there? Joey: Uh, some of her friends, yeah. Rachel: Her dancer friends? Joey: (frustrated) Yes, all right? All of her hot dancer friends are gonna be there and they’re gonna be, be drinkin’ and dancin, and we really wanna go! Ross: (to Joey) Dude, we were good! Monica: You’re not gonna go anywhere, you said you were gonna eat here, and you’re gonna eat here! Phoebe: Yeah, and-and leaving us to go see hot dancer girls is not very Thanksgivingy. Ross: Oh, but-but it is, uh, it’s just like the first Thanksgiving, when the Indians and the Pilgrims uh, sat down to dinner. Joey: Yeah, yeah, and the Indians taught the Pilgrims what it meant to be hot in the new world! [Enter Jack and Judy Geller] Mrs. Geller: Hello everybody! Mr. Geller: Hi! All: Hi! [Kisses and hugs are exchanged.] Monica: Dad [kisses Jack], Mom [kisses Judy]. Look! Look who it is it’s Chandler! Mrs. Geller: (less than pleased) Oh yes of course, hello Chandler. Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take off your coats! [Chandler goes to take off Jack’s coat. He then notices little white flakes on Jack’s shoulders. He begins to wipe them off.] Chandler: Whoa, snowing out there? Mr. Geller: (angry) No. [Time lapse. The gng is sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is at the head of the table, Mr and Mrs Geller are to his right. Joey and Ross are to his left. Monica is serving things. Phoebe is in the living room and Rachel is at the sink.] Mr. Geller: Monica, all this food looks wonderful, you should think about doing this for a living. [Chandler, trying to make nice with Jack, laughs at his joke and points at Jack.] Mr. Geller: Ok, I have dandruff. There’s no need to laugh and point. [Monica rushes over to Chandler’s side.] Monica: Dad, Chandler was just laughing at your joke. Mr. Geller: My joke wasn’t funny. [Phoebe walks from the living room to the kitchen and talks quietly to Rachel.] Phoebe: Rach, Rach, I just remembered. I had a dream about Mr. Geller last night. Rachel: Really?! Phoebe: Yeah, I dreamt that he saved me from a burning building and he was so brave and so strong! And it’s making me look at him totally differently. Y’know, I mean he used to be just, y’know “Jack Geller Monica and Ross’s dad” and now he’s he’s “Jack Geller, dream hunk." [We see a sht of Jack stuffing his face with food. Some dream hunk!] Rachel: I dunno. Y’know to me he’ll always be “Jack Geller, walks in while you’re changing.” [Time lapse. Ross and Joey are cleaning the table while Judy and Phoebe talk by the window. Jack and Chandler are sitting on the couch while Monica sits on the coffee table.] Monica: Y’know dad, Chandler is one of Ross’s very best friends! Chandler: Yeah, Ross sure is a great guy, y’know I’ve always felt that how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father. Mr. Geller: I always thought that too. Tell me, what does your father do? [Chandler and Monica exchange worried looks.] Chandler: (worried) He’s the headliner of a gay burlesque show. [Rachel is in the kitchen fiddling with her English trifle. Joey and Ross, anxious to leave and go to Janine’s party, are egging her on to hurry up.] Joey: Rach, you’re killin’ us here, will ya serve the dessert already? Those drunken dancers are waiting! Rachel: (looking at her trifle) Look at it, isn’t it beautiful? Ross: Yeah, yeah, what is it? Rachel: It’s a trifle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something’s wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top! [Joey and Ross make confused faces.] Ross: W-What was the one right before bananas? Rachel: The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me, too. But then, y’know, I thought “well, there’s mincemeat pie,” I mean that’s an English dessert, these people just put very strange things in their food, y’know. [To Joey] Oh! by the way, can I borrow some Rum from your place? Joey: Y-sure! Rachel: (teasingly) And while I’m gone don’t you boys sneak a taste. Joey and Ross: (faking dissapointment) Okay. [Rachel leaves] Ross: Beef in a dessert?! I- no no no, there is no way! [Ross goes to look in the magazine Rachel got her recipe from.] Joey: I know, and only one layer of jam?! What is up with that? [Ross looks up as if saying that Joey was weird. He begins flipping through the pages, only to find that they are sticky. So one page is overlapping another, making two recipes look like one.] Ross: Oh my God, the pages are stuck together! Joey: (turning to Chandler in a scolding tone) Chandler! Ross: Oh My God, she-she made half a English Trifle, and half a...Sheperd’s Pie! Joey: (sad) Oh man! Now she’s gonna start all over! We’re never gonna get to introduce the hot girls to the new world! Ross: No, no, we will. We just won’t tell her she messed up. Joey: Just let her serve the beef-custard thing? Ross: Yeah, it’ll be like a funny Thanksgiving story! Joey: (shrugging his shoulders to go along with it) Vomiting stories are funny... [Rachel enters] Rachel: Joey, God, your apartment is like a hundred degrees! Joey: Did-did it make you wanna walk around in your underwear? Rachel: No! Joey: (frustrated) Still not hot enough! [Joey leaves] [Phoebe walks over to talk to Rachel.] Phoebe: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Okay, look at him. Look at those strong hands. Oh what I wouldn’t give to be that can of (looks closer to see what Jack is drinking) condensed milk. [We see a sht of Jack drinking condensed milk on the couch.] [Ross and Judy enter the living room. Judy and Ross sit down on the couch beside Jack. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the coffee table.] Monica: Mom, uh, Chandler was just saying how beautiful your sweater is. Mrs. Geller: Oh, thank you Chandler! I just bought it. Chandler: Oh, yes. Well it’s very beautiful. It’s cream-colored and tight [Realizes what he just said and looks worried. Monica and Ross also looked shocked. Judy and Jack give Chandler a very dirty look.] I don’t mean tight, I mean it’s not too tight, not that I was looking at-[giving up all hope, he puts his head into his hands.] Mr. Geller: What’s the matter with him? Mrs. Geller: (whispers to Jack a little loudly) I think he’s stoned again. Chandler: (shocked) What? Monica: (shocked) What? Ross: (worried) Dude, I need to talk to you a sec. [Ross and Chandler get up and go into Rachel’s old room.] [Scene: Rachel’s old room. It’s pretty much empty except for a few boxes against the walls. Ross and Chandler enter.] Ross: Okay, I think I might know why my parents don’t like you. Chandler: You do? Why? Ross: Okay, remember, we were young. Hey, Spring break, hm* year, I got high in my bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it and so I told them that you had gotten stoned and jumped out the window. Chandler: What?! Why did you do that? Ross: I don’t know, aheh, your’s was the first name that-that popped into my head, I’m I’m sorry. I-I didn’t think it would matter. Chandler: How could it not matter?! Ross: How was I supposed to know we’d end up being friends after college, let alone you-you would be living with my sister? Chandler: What about all that “friends forever” stuff? Ross: I don’t know, I-I was all high. Commercial Break [Scene: Rachel’s Old Bedroom, Continued from earlier. Monica enters the room.] Monica: Mom and dad just sent me in here to find out if you (points to Chandler) were trying to get Ross stoned! Chandler: Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on me! Monica: Ross, I can’t believe you’d do that! Chandler: The reason we haven’t told them we’re together is because they hate me, okay? So will you fix this? Ross: Okay, okay, I’ll tell ‘em it wasn’t Chandler who got high. Now who should I say it was? Monica: You! It’s not like it’s a big deal! You-you don’t still do it or anything! Ross: Alright, alright, now-now who should I say tricked me into doing it? [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Time lapse. Jack is still on the couch, picking his teeth with his feet on the table. Phoebe and Judy are sitting on the table looking at him. Ross and Chandler are sitting by the window talking. Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen fooling with Rachel’s trifle. Monica walks into the living room from the kitchen.] Monica: Dad, please don’t pick your teeth out here! Alright, and if you’re gonna put your feet up, why don’t you sit on the- Phoebe: Monica, leave him alone! [Monica gives Phoebe a surprised expression and goes over to Ross and Chandler.] Joey: (to Rachel) Will you hurry up? Did you not hear me before when I told you that all of Janine’s friends are dancers?! And that they’re going to be drinking alot!? Rachel: (sarcastically) No, I did, but tell me again, because it’s so romantic. Joey: Well you’re whippin’ so slow! Can’t you do it any faster? Rachel: Joey! Come on! I don’t wanna make any mistakes, alright? This is the only dessert and if I screw it up everybody's gonna be like “Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle?” [Joey gives her an understanding look.] Rachel: So why don’t you just let me worry about making the trifle and you just worry about eating it, alright? Joey: Oh I am! [Chandler and Monica are by the window pressuring Ross to tell his parents the truth.] Monica: Ross, if you don’t tell them, then I will! Ross: Okay, fine! [Ross gets up to go tell his parents.] [Joey rushes over.] Joey: Ross! Can I talk to you for a second? Ross: Oh, uh, can it wait a second Joey? I have to tell my parents something. No it can’t? Okay. [Monica and Chandler make “What was that?” gestures. Joey and Ross go into Rachel’s old room.] [Scene: Rachel’s old room, Ross and Joey enter.] Joey: Okay, look, I think we have to tell Rachel she messed up her dessert. Ross: What?! What is with everybody? It’s Thanksgiving, not...Truth-Day! Joey: Look, when everyone eats that...that...Banana-Meat thing, they’re all gonna’ make fun of her, do you want that? Ross: Okay, okay, we’ll just get everyone to act like they like it. That-that way noone makes fun of her and we still get to go to Sweet Potatoe Pie! (Referring to the dancers.) Joey: (scolding) Dude, they’re not objects. [Ross makes a sorry face.] Joey: Just kiddin,’ I’ll talk to them, you distract Rach. [Joey and Ross go back out into the main area.] Ross: Hey Rach, can I talk to you outside for a second? Rachel: Okay... [The hallway. Rachel and Ross go out and they just stand there for a few seconds.] Rachel: What’s up, Ross? Ross: So um...Thanksgiving. The holiday season is upon us, hm? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: And um...You look nice today. Rachel: Oh no. No Ross, don’t do this. Ross: What? Rachel: I just- I don’t think us getting back together is a good idea. Ross: (shocked) Eh? Rachel: I thought this might happen today. Ross, I know the holidays can be rough. Y’know? And it’s probably really hard for you to be alone right now. Ross: (cutting her off) You’re alone. Rachel: No, I-I live with Phoebe. I mean you’re [pity-tone] alone, alone. And I just-it’s just not the time for us. I’m sorry. Ross: (just trying to get out of the conversation) Ah well, can’t blame a guy for trying! [Inside Monica and Chandler’s. Joey is almost done explaining the situation to everyone.] Joey: Oh and (Ross begins to open the door and Joey says some gibberish word to indicate to Ross that he’s not done yet. Ross closes the door again.) Okay, and uh if anyone needs help pretending to like it, I learned something in acting class, try uh, rubbing your stomach (Rubs his stomach) or uh, or saying “mmm” and uh, oh oh! And smiling (Smiles while pretending to stir a bowl), okay? Chandler: Yeah, I’m not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore. [Ross and Rachel re-enter.] Joey: Rachel, there you are! Come on, let’s serve that dessert already! Rachel: Joey, you’re gonna have to stop rushing me, you know what? You don’t get any dessert. Joey: (happily) Really? Rachel: No, I’m just kidding I would never do that to you! Okay, everybody, it’s trifle time! Phoebe: So, now, Rach, this is a traditional English trifle, isn’t it? Rachel: It sure is. Phoebe: Wow. So then did you make it with beef or Eggplant? Rachel: Beef. Phoebe: I can’t have any. You know I don’t eat meat. (Faking dissapointment.) Ohhh no. [Phoebe gets up and goes into Rachel’s old room, a smile on her face.] Rachel: Alright, Monica, I want you to have the first taste. Monica: Really? [Rachel hands Monica a plate. Monica takes a spoonful of the whipped cream portion.] Rachel: Oh oh oh, wait! You only got whipped cream in there! Ya gotta take a bite with all the layers! Monica: Okay. [Monica takes a bigger spoonful and a pea falls off] Rachel: Op! Wait, you dropped a pea. [Monica puts the pea on top of the spoonful and takes a bite.] Rachel: Well? Monica: (faking joy. Rubbing her stomach and smiling at the same time, like Joey said) Mmmm! It’s good! Rachel: Really? How good? Monica: It’s so good, that I feel really selfish about being the only one who’s eating it, that I think we should have everyone taste how good it is. Especially Ross. [Ross glares at Monica.] [Everyone takes a bite of their trifle.] All: (faking enjoyment) Mmm. Chandler: (clearly lying and hating the dessert) Yeah, this is so good, that I’m gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my dessert. [Chandler exits to the balcony.] Mrs. Geller: (lying) I’ve gotta call my friend Mary and tell her how good this is, from Monica’s room. Mr. Geller: (also lying) I’ll help you dial. [Jack and Judy exit to Monica’s room.] Monica: (again, lying) I’m gonna go into the bathroom so I can look at it in the mirror, as I eat it. [Monica exits to the bathroom.] Rachel: Okay, now what was that all about? Is it-does it not taste good? Let me try it. [Rachel reaches for Ross’s plate] Ross: Wha? No no! Ah! (Ross scarfs all of his trifle down in about a second. He looks like he’s going to throw up.) (Lying) All gone! So good! Maybe Chandler has some left. [Rachel leaves to the balcony.] Ross: It tastes like feet! Joey: I like it. Ross: Are you kidding? Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood. [Rachel and Chandler re-emerge from the balcony.] Rachel: ...So a bird just grabbed it, and then tried to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it on the street? [Chandler makes a fake "I know I couldn’t believe it either" gesture.] Chandler: (lying) Yes, but if it’s any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it. [Phoebe comes back from Rachel’s old room.] Phoebe: Rachel, come here. (Rachel walks over to Phoebe. Chandler sits down on the lounge-chair.) Okay, I was just starting to take my Thanksgiving nap, and I had another dream about Jack. Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, do I wanna hear this? Phoebe: I dunno, let’s see! So, okay, I dreamt that we were gonna get married, and he left, becuz he had to go fight a fre. And, um, so okay, I went to a night club, and I saw him making out with a girl. Rachel: (humoring Phoebe) Oh my God, he dream-cheated on you! Phoebe: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying me! It was soo cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen. [Jack and Judy come out of Monica’s room and sit down on the couch.] Mr. Geller: Boy, I’m glad I wore the big belt today. Phoebe: Five minutes ago, a line like that would’ve floored me. Now nothing. Well, not nothing, I am still a woman. [Rachel and Phoebe walk into the kitchen. Monica comes out of the bathroom and goes over to Ross.] Monica: Ross? Let’s go. Ross: Oh yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter. Monica: Alright, you know what? That’s it. You’ve had your chance. Ross: Wha-what? Monica: (out loud, to her parents) Mom! Dad! Ross smoked pot in college! Mr. and Mrs. Geller: What?! Ross: (in a 5 year old’s tone) (To Monica) You are such a tattletale! Mom, Dad, you remember that-that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana? Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Yes. (They look at Chandler angrily.) Ross: Well I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me. I’m sorry. Mrs. Geller: It was you? Monica: And Dad, y’know that mailman that you got fired? He didn’t steal your Playboys! Ross did! [The Gellers stare at Ross. Ross looks at his parents with an afraid, shocked look.] Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing, Monica did! [The Gellers glare at Monica.] [Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the table, looking at the Geller siblings like they’re weirdos.] Monica: Ross hasn’t worked at the museum for a year! [The Gellers glare at Ross.] Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together! [The Gellers glare at Monica, shocked] [Monica and Chandler both are shocked. Ross gives Monica a “take that!” look.] Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced! Again!!!! [The Gellers glare at Ross.] Phoebe: (joining in) I love Jacques Cousteau! Rachel: (reading the recipe magazine, finally figuring out that...) I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle! Joey: (pounding the table) I wanna gooooooo! Mrs. Geller: (rubbing her temples) That’s alot of information to get in in thirty seconds! Alright Joey, if wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren’t supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I’m sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dad. (Phoebe makes a sad face.) Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you were in an important relationship is beyond me. Mr. Geller: And we kinda figured about the porch swing. Mrs. Geller: Ross, drugs? Divorced? Again? Mr. Geller: What happened son? Ross: I-I uh, I got tricked into all those things! Mrs. Geller: Chandler! You’ve been Ross’s best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems. (Ross gets disgusted.) And now you’ve taken on Monica as well. Well, I don’t know what to say. You’re a wonderful human being. [Chandler is mega shocked!] Chandler: Thank you! Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! (Hugs Chandler) Monica, and Ross! I don’t know what I’m gonna do about the two of you! Chandler: (In a parent-like tone) I’ll talk to them! Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Everyone is helping clean the table.] Rachel: You guys! It was bananas, cream, and beef! I-I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn’t feel bad! Monica: Well actually, I-I didn’t eat mine. It’s still in the bathroom. Joey: No it isn’t, I ate that. Mrs. Geller: (pointing to herself and Jack) Well we left ours in Monica’s bedroom. Joey: Nope, got it and I got yours (Pointing to Jack) too. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x09 - The One Where Ross Got High"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Brian Boyle Transcribed by: Samantha Stein [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, everyone except Ross is decorating the tree.] Chandler: Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights. Rachel: That’s a good story, Grandpa. (Ross enters) Ross: Hey All: Hey Ross: Wow, Monica’s letting other people help decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk again or? Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. It’s about being with the people that you love. Phoebe: That is nice and we’re done. TADA! (Her side of the tree looks a complete mess) Chandler: I dunno what it is, it just doesn’t quite feel like Christmas to me. Monica: Oh, here. (She turns the tree around so that her side, which is perfectly decorated, is showing) Chandler: See now it feels like Christmas! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Joey are there.] Ross: … and that’s the story of the dreidle. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolising life’s triumph over death. And that was like 4000 years ago. Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story. (Joey enters) Joey: Hey you guys. Chandler: Hey Joe what’s up? Joey: I had to get out of the apartment. Janine is like stretching all over the place. Y’know, everywhere I look she’s like… (He imitates her stretching) Chandler: I can see why that’s hard to resist. Joey: I like her so much! Monica: Aw, I’m sorry sweetie that she doesn’t feel the same way. Joey: I know. And she’s so sweet. I just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair. Chandler: You are aware that she’s not a monkey, right? Ross: I am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I thought she was hot, but now she’s like OLD NEWS! (Janine enters) Janine: Hey guys! Ross: Hi Janine! Janine: I just got a call to be a dancer on a television special for New Year’s Eve. It’s called some sort of Dick’n Rock’n Dickie Eve. Monica: Hold it! Are you talking about Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve? Janine: Yeah, that’s what I said. Monica: Oh my God! We love that show! I mean Ross and I have been watching it since I can remember! Chandler: Ah, you’re still just a little fat girl inside aren’t you? (He kisses her on the cheek) Janine: Well I’m gonna be on it this year. I’m gonna be one of the party people. Ross: You’re gonna be a party person! Those guys rock the most! Janine: Well they said I should bring someone. (To Joey) Do you wanna be my dance partner? Joey: Totally! I would love to spend New Year’s with you. Janine: Well actually they’re taping tomorrow. I don’t really understand why. Ross: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Times Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that. Janine: Yeah well, do you guys wanna come too? Ross: Are you serious? Monica: We are there! (Rachel laughs) Chandler: What, what are you laughing at? Rachel: Well, I used to date him, but you’re still going out with her! (gn brings Janine a coffee) Janine: Thanks. (To Monica and Ross) Great so we can all go together! I gotta run. Catch you later! (Janine leaves) All: Bye! Ross: Bye Janine! Joey: Did she just ask me out on a date? Chandler: I don’t think so. Monica: What are you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of the millennium! Rachel: Yeah, but she also invited you and Ross. Yeah, honey, I’m sorry, but I don’t think that was a romantic thing. Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. We’re going to a New Year’s Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Y’know? But if she says ‘Dude, what the hell are you doing?’ I can say ‘It wasn’t me, it was New Years!’ Rachel: Well, that’s a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in High School, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick. Ross: It was a dry day. Monica: We are going to Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve! Ross: Oh my God! Monica: Oh my God! Chandler: (To Rachel) Oh my God! [Scene: The Set, Joey, Janine, Ross and Monica are walking in.] Joey: OK, listen I’ve been on sets before, so let me give you a little advice, alright? It’s a show, but we’re just dancing, OK? It’s no big deal. The important thing to remember – stay cool. Ross: Got it! (They get to the main stage) Ross: Oh my God it’s just like I dreamed it! Director: OK, everyone gather up. (Monica and Ross push to the front) Monica and Ross: ‘Scuse us Director: Here’s what’s gonna happen. The music’s gonna start, you’re gonna dance, we’re gonna tape, you don’t look at the camera. Any questions? Ross: Yeah, I have a question. When is this gonna air? (He and Monica laugh) Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out. Joey: Ross! So when is it gonna air? [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.] Rachel: Okay, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet. Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I’m right here. Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don’t you take a walk? This doesn’t concern you. Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica. Chandler: What? That’s terrible! Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year! Chandler: Oh well, that makes it not terrible. Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She’s always best at us that wily minx. Rachel: Don’t worry, we’re just gonna search here for an hour, them we’re gonna go over to Joey’s and search, OK? Chandler: No not okay, you can’t look for Monica’s presents! Phoebe: But we have to! Chandler: No, you don’t have to, and you can’t because I live here too. Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us. Chandler: Why? Rachel: Chandler, aren’t you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas? Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her. Phoebe: Oh, that’s it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea! Rachel: Chandler, that’s not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you’ve just gotten her one great present? I mean that’s just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why? Chandler: If I help, we can find ‘em faster! Rachel: That’s right! (Phoebe looks under the couch) Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one! Rachel: Oh, it’s a Macy’s bag! (Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out) Phoebe: Ooh, who’s it for? Rachel: (Reading) Dear losers, do you really think I’d hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they’d break you. Phoebe: Uh-oh. She may be onto us. Rachel: We are so gonna find them this year. Chandler: Y’know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you don’t, you don’t do that every year do you? Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: You don’t, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything? Phoebe and Rachel: No, we never do that (They turn away.) Chandler: Because that’s where Joey gave me some stuff to store that I’ve never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.) [Scene: The Set, everyone is dancing.] Monica: Okay, here comes another camera. Ross: Right. No biggie. Stay loose. (As the camera passes by, they start to dance really rigid, but the camera is facing the other way.) Ross: Why do they keep doing that? Monica: If we wanna get on camera, I think we have to get up on one of those platforms. They’ve been taping those people up there all day. Ross: Right. (They move towards a platform, dancing really strangely as they go) Ross: Hey, what’d you guys do to get up on there? Girl: We learned how to dance. Monica: Oh yeah? Well when you learned how to dance did you forget how to put on underpants? Ross: Yeah! (Camera pans to Joey and Janine) Janine: Hey! You’re a good dancer! Joey: Really? Janine: Yeah, well you’d be better if you just loosened your hips a little. Joey: What do you mean? Janine: Like this. (She pulls Joey towards her and dances really close to him.) Janine: That’s it, feel the rhythm. That’s better. Joey: Uh-huh. Director: (To Joey) Okay, you’re dancing with that girl over there. Joey: No-no-no-no-no we came together! Director: I don’t see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.) Joey: No-no hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, I really like her and I think I have a sht. Director: Really, y’think so? I don’t.. (He leaves, and this girl grabs Joey and starts dancing really wild.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are there and Chandler enters.] Chandler: I couldn't find anything at Joey--Hey-hey, oh hey! Rachel: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats. Phoebe: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap! Chandler: Those are my gifts, I got them for you. Phoebe: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great! Rachel: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing? Chandler: Those are book ends! That's a great gift! Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz. Rachel: Ha! Chandler: Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay? Rachel: Yes, okay, oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey! (Chandler does the weird clicky thing again.) [Scene: The Set, the girl is still dancing with Joey.] Joey: Hey-hey dancer girl! Can I go to the bathroom? I just.. (The girl starts dancing really close to him, so he picks her up, twirls her round, and puts her against a platform) Here we go. (He walks away to find Monica and Ross doing a really out of place dance) Looking good Gellers! Ross: We know! Monica: Hey, see that snippy guy over there? He’s the one who decides who gets up on the platform. We should go dance by him. Ross: Okay. (They dance over to him.) Director: Okay, everybody hold! (Ross and Monica high-five) Director: Next on the platforms are… (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where he’s pointing to. He points away from them) …you two! And… (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) …You two! Monica: Excuse me, sir, would it help if I weren’t wearing underpants? Ross: Monica! (Pause) Would it? (The director shakes his head.) [Scene: The Men’s Bathroom, the tall guy is there as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! Tall guy! Hey, listen, I wanted to talk to you about that girl that you’re dancing with. Tall Guy: She’s nice, huh? To think I almost brought my wife to this! Joey: Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, look buddy, I came with that girl, and I had this plan to kiss her at the new years countdown – I’m trying to win her over, so I was wondering if.. Tall Guy: No I don’t think so. Joey: Oh come on man, you can dance with my partner, she’s real, uh, mellow! Tall Guy: Look, are you dating this girl you came with? Joey: Well, I was hoping after tonight that maybe I could you know… Tall Guy: No, no. She’s fair game if you ask me, sorry buddy! Joey: Alright, alright, hey y’know fair is fair, (he pretends to wash his hands) if you’re right, you’re right, what can I say, but hey oh no! (He throws water on the guy’s pants) Tall Guy: God! What are you, in second grade? Joey: Hey, now you’re the one who wet his pants. (He throws another handful on him and runs out) [Scene: The Set, Monica and Ross are dancing.] Monica: Man, this sucks! Y’know if Mom and Dad don’t see us on TV after we made them so jealous, I mean, who’s gonna be the losers then? Ross: Hey, I know what’ll get us up on a platform! Monica: What? Ross: The routine! Monica: Ross, we haven’t done the routine since middle school. Ross: Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, he’ll wanna build us our own platform! Monica: Was it really that good? Ross: We got honourable mention in the brother/sister dance category! Look, it’s almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice? Monica: Okay, let’s do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced! (They move into a space, and Ross points to his eyes and then to hers) Monica: 5 6 7 8! (They start the routine. However hard I try, I really cannot describe it. You will have to watch it. I’m sorry.) (When they finish, they walk over to the director) Ross: So, do we really have to ask who’s going up on the platform next? Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that! Monica: Yes! (They run over to a platform) Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, they’re gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again it’s gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybody’s excitement. [Cut to Joey and Janine] Tall Guy: Hey, pal, you have about three seconds to get away from my partner. Director: What’s going on over here? Joey: Uh, take a look at the guy’s pants! I mean, I know you told us to show excitement, but don’t you think he went a little overboard? Director: What’s the matter with you? Get out of here! Joey: Yeah, take a hike wetpants! (The director pushes the Tall Guy away) [Cut to Ross and Monica, who are finally on a platform!] Ross: Can you believe this? We’re gonna be on the platform for the Millennium moment! Monica: I know! Hey, you haven’t been practising the routine, have you? Ross: No! Monica: Me too! Ross: Hey, when the music starts up again, I was thinking of maybe goind into the robot, y’know? (He mimics a robot) Monica: Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we don’t wanna look stupid! Director: Alright we’re back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think) Joey’s Head: Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny. All: Three, Two, One! Director: Cut! Joey: No! Year! Happy No Year! Director: Okay, here’s where we go to the live sh*t of Times Square, nice work everyone that’s a wrap! [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, Chandler and Rachel are there, and Phoebe enters with the Chick and the Duck.] Phoebe: Hey! Look who I found! Chandler: Oh, hey guys! Phoebe: Y’know, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden. Chandler: Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter. Phoebe: Or we could just follow your clever jokes – any ideas? No! Didn’t think so! Okay, c’mon guys, show us where the presents are! Chandler: Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica that’s as good as garbage? Phoebe: Hmm, how about my azzz? (Rachel sits on the window seat, and knocks against it) Rachel: Hey, this is hollow. Phoebe: What? Rachel: This bench, it’s hollow! I can’t believe I never knew that! (She pushes all the pillows off it and opens it up) Oh, the presents!!! Phoebe: No, don’t look directly at them! Chandler: What? Phoebe: Alright, no, we could look at them! Rachel: Oh, this one’s for me! Phoebe: Oh, this one’s for Chandler. Here. Chandler: Oh great! Phoebe: And the big one’s for me! Rachel: Ooh, let’s open them! Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! Phoebe: Hee hee! Chandler: Wait, we can’t do this. Phoebe and Rachel: Why? Chandler: I don’t wanna know what Monica got me. Y’know? I mean, look, I’m sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about. Rachel: Whatever Linus, I’m opening mine. Chandler: Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I don’t know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monica’s face when I give her my present, and I’m sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back? Phoebe: Will you get us better gifts? Chandler: Fine! (Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind them.) Monica: Hey guys! You found the presents? Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier? Chandler: That’s what you got me? Phoebe: Oh yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless. (Rachel leans over to look at him.) [Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, they both enter.] Joey: Home sweet home, huh? Nice to, uh, get back to reality. Plus we know how the New Year’s gonna go off. I guess there’s no reason for all that Y2K panic, y’know? Anyway, g’night! Janine: Joey. Joey: Yeah? Janine: (She takes his hands) 3, 2, 1. (She kisses him) Happy New Year. Joey: Oh, yoii. What was that for? Janine: Well, I don’t know tonight when they yelled cut and we didn’t get to kiss, I was really, really, disappointed, and I just, really wanted to kiss you Joey: Really? In the moment, I really wanted to kiss you too. In the moment. Janine: In the moment, yeah. Joey: But only in the moment. So do ya wanna kiss again? Janine: Sure, New Year’s Eve is only two weeks away. Can you wait? Joey: No. Janine: Me neither. Joey: 3, 2, Janine: Joey, you don’t have to count down every time we kiss. Joey: Uh, yeah, okay. Except I sorta felt like I needed a couple of seconds to get ready. (They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne) Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Joey is there.] Monica: We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled ‘CUT!’ Rachel: Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you actually did the routine from eighth grade? Monica: Yeah. But of course we had to update it a little bit. (To Ross) Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me! Rachel: ‘Cos I was gonna say there’s no way you could’ve done the end the way you guys did it back then! Monica: What? We could do it! Ross: I don’t know, I mean you were a lot bigger, I mean, stronger back then. Monica: I can do it, okay? Come on, let’s go. (She and Ross get up) Monica and Ross: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Ross runs to be caught by Monica, but she moves out of the way) Monica: I can’t do it! (Ross falls into Monica’s room) Chandler: Now you do that, you’re on TV. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x10 - The One With The Routinue"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Brian Boyle Story by: Zachary Rosenblatt Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is there as Joey enters happily.] Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! Joey: Listen, do you guys think I have a chance with Janine? Monica: Honey, we have been through this before! Rachel: Yeah. Don’t do this to yourself. Phoebe: She’s made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen. Joey: Well all right then, I guess I shouldn’t get to excited about the fact (excitedly) that I just kissed her! Monica: You serious?! Chandler: That’s great! Monica: Really?! Phoebe: Yeah well, we’ll see. Ross: You kissed her. Joey: Oh we kissed it up real nice. Chandler: So you kissed her, so what happened after that? Joey: I came over here to tell you guys. Chandler: So she’s just waiting over there for ya? (Joey nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did and runs out of the apartment and back to his place.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Janine are pretty much making out at one of the tables as Monica and Rachel look on from the couch.] Janine: I gotta go. Joey: Okay. (They kiss.) Janine: I’m gonna be really late for dance class! Joey: Okay. (They kiss.) Janine: Okay, now I’m really late. (Gets up.) Joey: Okay, I’m all right, okay, but hey, could you just leave your lips? (She kisses him on the cheek and starts to leave.) Janine: (to Monica and Rachel) Bye. Monica: Bye. (Janine exits.) Joey: Have you kissed her yet? It’s awesome! I could do it forever! Y’know what? She-she kisses better than my mom cooks! Monica: I am so glad you said cooks. Rachel: I know. Chandler: (entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.) Rachel: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! (Grabs the aforementioned catalog and holds the rest back out to Chandler.) You can throw the rest away. Chandler: I’m not your garbage man. I’m your mailman. Rachel: Monica look! Look-look-look! Here is that table that I ordered. (Shows her the picture.) Monica: You got it from Pottery Barn?! Rachel: Yeah! It’s an apothecary table. Does anyone even know what an apothecary is? Chandler: A pharmacist. (Rachel mocks him.) Monica: Rach, Phoebe hates Pottery Barn. Joey: I hate Pottery Barn too. They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed! Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets! Joey: (indignant) I was tired! Rachel: Phoebe hates Pottery Barn?! Monica: Yeah, she hates all mass produced stuff. She thinks her furniture should have a history, a story behind it. Rachel: Well this has story behind it! I mean they had to ship it all the way from the White Plains store. Monica: It’s gotta be one of a kind. Y’know like umm, y’know uh, what’s that God awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter? Joey: Hey! I made that for her! Chandler: You made pottery? Joey: Yeah! I made it of this fruit bowl I found in the garbage. Monica: I’m telling—If you put that in her apartment you’ll never hear the end of it. Rachel: Okay fine! I’ll-I’ll just tell her it’s an antique apothecary table, she doesn’t have to know where it came from. Oh! Look at this little drawers! Oh look-look it says that it holds 300 CDs. Chandler: Ahh, just like the apothecary tables of yore… [Scene: The Hallway between the apartments, Joey, Janine, Chandler, and Monica are returning from a double date. Chandler is telling a joke.] Chandler: …so then the farmer says, "That’s not a cow and you’re not milking it." (Everyone laughs.) Monica: I am so glad you guys got together, Chandler and I are always looking for a couple to go out with and now we have one! Chandler: Look at us, we’re a couple of couples! Janine: I had so much fun tonight, and what a great restaurant. Monica: Yeah. Joey: And Chandler I can’t believe I let you pay for this one. (They hug and he whispers in his ear.) Thanks man. Monica: So do you guys gonna come over tomorrow? I’ll make that pasta thing I was telling you about. Janine: Oh that would be great! Joey: Oh, but hey look, at least let us bring the wine. Monica: Joey, you don’t have too! Joey: Nope-op! I insist! (He hugs Chandler again and whispers to him.) You get the wine right? Chandler: Yeah all right. (They part.) Okay, good night guys. Joey: See ya tomorrow! Monica: Tomorrow! Janine: Can’t wait! (They each go into their respective apartments.) [Cut to Joey and Janine’s.] Janine: How are we gonna get out of that one? Joey: What? Janine: I can’t handle two nights in a row with them. Joey: What-what’s wrong with Monica and Chandler? Janine: I don’t know, they’re just a little blah! Joey: Blah?! Janine: Well y’know, he’s blah, she’s just—she’s very loud for such a small person. Joey: Uh, they’re like my best friends. Are you saying we can’t hang out with them? ‘Cause that would kinda be a problem. Janine: No! Of course we can still hang out with them. Just y’know, not two nights in a row. Okay? Joey: I guess. Janine: Thank you. (They kiss.) Joey: If you want, I’ll sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents. [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is placing CDs into her antique apothecary table as Phoebe returns home.] Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: (sees the table) Ooh, what a great table! Where-where did you get it? Rachel: Guess! Phoebe: Umm, a flea market? Rachel: Ha! See, I knew, I knew you’d get it on the first guess. Isn’t it cool! It’s an apothecary table. Phoebe: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where (She’s opening and closing the drawers) they kept all the stuff to make their potions. Rachel: Ohh, yes. Phoebe: Y’know? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium. Rachel: Almost. Phoebe: How much was it? Rachel: It was only 500 bucks. Phoebe: 500 bucks at a flea market?! Rachel: Oh, okay see I thought, I thought you meant how much was it when it was new, y’know like back then. Phoebe: Oh no. Rachel: Yeah no, I mean it was at a flea market, so it was y’know, it was like a dollar. Phoebe: A dollar? Rachel: And fifty. So it was like one and fifty dollars. Phoebe: Ohh, okay, they gave you the old time pricing. Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Well, what period is it from? Rachel: Uh, it’s from yore. Like the days of yore. Y’know? Phoebe: Yes, yes I do. God, oh it’s just perfect! Wow! I bet it has a great story behind it too. Did they tell you anything? Like y’know where it was from or… Rachel: Yes! That I know, this is from White Plains. Phoebe: (gasps) White Plains. Oh, it sounds like such a magical place. [Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is entering as Ross comes out of the kitchen carrying popcorn.] Rachel: Hey! We’re here! Ross: Hey! Rachel: (seeing his new table) Ohh! Oh my God! Ross: You like it? Rachel: Oh no! Ross: It’s my new apothecary table! Rachel: Ross! Phoebe’s gonna be here any second, she cannot see this! Ross: Well why not?! She’ll-she’ll love it! It’s the real thing! I got it at Pottery Barn. Rachel: I know you did! I bought the same one! And if she sees your table she’s gonna know that I lied to her. I told her ours was an original. Ross: Why did you do that? Rachel: Because she hates Pottery Barn. Ross: She hates Pottery Barn?!! Rachel: I know! I know, she says it’s all mass-produced, nothing is authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff. (Ross looks at his table.) So come on, she’s gonna be here any second! Can we please just cover this up with something?! Please? Ross: What? No! No! I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe—Ooh, although I did get some great Pottery Barn sheets! (Gets them.) Rachel: Ooo! Oh, I forgot they made sheets! Ross: Uh, yeah! I still can’t believe she hates Pottery Barn! Rachel: Ross, get over it! It’s not like she hates you. Ross: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Y’know what I think? It’s just she-she’s weird. Y’know it’s because she’s a twin. Twins are weird. Rachel: Ross, she’s not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind. Ross: Huh. Y’know what’s not one of a kind? A twin! Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Ooh, Phoebe’s here! Okay, let’s turn out all the lights and we’ll just watch the movie! Phoebe: Okay. Hey—Ooh, cool sheets! (Notices the sheet over the table.) Ross: Oh, you like it? You wanna know where I got it? Phoebe: Sure! Rachel: He got it a flea market! Phoebe: You bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little. [Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Joey is pacing around as Chandler and Monica enter.] Monica: Hey! Joey: Hi! Monica: The dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. This is so exciting. Chandler: And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. (Hands it to him.) You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldn’t afford it, because you paid dinner last night. Joey: Thanks. Thanks, but uh actually it’s just gonna be me again tonight. Monica: What happened to Janine? Joey: Oh, she’s uh-uh really sick. Chandler: Oh that’s too bad. Joey: Yeah, she’s been in there all day (Points to her room), uh high fever, a nose problem… Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm! Janine: (entering from her room) Monica! Chandler! I’m really-really sorry about tonight. I don’t know if Joey told you; I just couldn’t get out of going to this play. I’m sorry. Have a great time. Joey: ‘Kay! Janine: Bye. (Exits) Chandler: That’s funny, I saw no phlegm. Commercial Break [Scene: Joey and Janine’s, continued from earlier.] Joey: No-no, she really is sick! Chandler: Then why-why is she going to a play?! Joey: Uh, y’know, starve a fever, go to a play for a cold. Monica: Joey! Why is Janine not coming over for dinner?! Joey: Well uh, she didn’t want to hang out with you guys two nights in a row. I’m so sorry. Chandler: Well, why does she not want to hang out with us?! Joey: Because she uh, she-she thinks that you are blah and that you, Monica, are too loud. Monica: (loudly) What?!! (Quietly) What? Chandler: So she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was lying to our faces?! Monica: Ugh, I can not believe this! I mean, who is she to judge us? We could not have been nicer to her! Chandler: And I am not blah, I am a hoot! Joey: I know! I know! Come on, please-please you guys, don’t-don’t be mad. I’m sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys are like my best friends! Y’know? And it was our first date! Plus, she’s really sick! Chandler: No, you sh—No you said you made that up!! Joey: I know, but don’t you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing? Chandler: Eh, they’re both good. I generally just go with, Monica’s drunk again. (Monica glares at him.) Joey: Come on you guys, come on please-please just give her another chance, huh? She’ll come around I promise. Monica: Of course we will, come on we gotta make dinner. Chandler: Okay. (They exit and close the door.) Monica: (from the hallway) I do not like that woman! Joey: (shouting) I can hear you! Monica: I am loud! [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are watching a movie.] All: Aww! (They all laugh.) Rachel: That’s funny. (Phoebe puts her feet up on Ross’s table.) Ross: Hey Pheebs, could you please not put your feet up on my new…(On Rachel’s glare)…old sheet? Phoebe: Oh sure! (She goes to take her feet off, but drags the sheet with her which spills the wine.) Noo! Rachel: Ohh!! Ross: My apothecary table!!! Phoebe: What?! Rachel: Noooooo!! (Phoebe lifts up the sheet to discover the exact same apothecary table they have.) Phoebe: Ross, where did you get this?! Ross: I got it at Pottery Barn!! Okay?! Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our antique! Phoebe: Wow! Oh my God, well if they’ve ripped off our table ours must be much more than one and fifty dollars! Rachel: Oh yes. Phoebe: Well this doesn’t even smell like opium. Ross: Of course not, it smells like wine, which you spilled! And thanks for wrecking my sheet by the way. Phoebe: Oh Ross, calm down, I’ll give you the 80 cents. (Ross glares at Rachel) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table.] Chandler: Okay, one more time. Monica: Chandler, would you like some more orange juice? Chandler: Perfect decibel. Monica: (loudly) I know!!! Joey: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey. Joey: So uh, what are you guys doing? Chandler: Oh nothing, we’re just talking. Y’know, blah-blah-blah. Joey: Look, come on you guys, you said you were gonna try! All right look, I came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine. Monica: Well, I’d like to but, (extremely quietly) I’m not sure we have time to go. Joey: Ha-ha, very funny—Look! I don’t know what to do! I really want you guys to get along. Just please come to the movie with us. I mean you owe me! Monica: We owe you?! Joey: That’s right! I helped you guys out a lot in the start of your relationship. Huh? I helped you guys sneak around for like six months, and I looked like an idiot! And I was humiliated. And I only made 200 dollars! Monica: We didn’t give you any money! (Chandler is motioning, "No!") Joey: You don’t think I know that! [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is showing Ross around the newly decorated living room.] Rachel: …see I can’t decide whether it would go better next to the new wicker dining chair, the Sahara desk, or the Parker console table. Ross: Wow! I didn’t know that there was a Pottery Barn up here. Rachel: I know, I know. I went a little crazy. Ross: A little? Your place looks like page 72 of the catalogue. Oh look at that! The ornamental bird cage! Large! Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: (sees Ross) Oh Ross no. Be careful, that is very old! Okay? Early Colonial bird merchants used to bring their birds to market in that. Ross: (glaring at Rachel) Fascinating. Phoebe: (gasps) Another amazing find! Wow! Oh I bet this has a great story too! Rachel: Oh it does, it does! It is a room separating apparatus from Colonial times. Phoebe: Ah! Ross: Hmm, a lot of this stuff is from Colonial times. Hey, what are some other time periods Rachel? (She glares at him.) Rachel: Well there’s yore. And uh, y’know, yesteryear. Phoebe: Yeah no, I’m telling you Rachel has such a great eye for this stuff. Ross, y’know if you ever decide you need to redecorate—And I think that you should. You should, you should ask Rachel to help. Rachel: Oh honey he doesn’t need my help. Phoebe: Oh, come on! I think he’s ready to get rid of, what did you call it? The cheap knock-offs and dinosaur junk. Ross: Really?! (To Rachel) Hey, y’know what? Since you have such a great sense of what I need, uh ooh, here’s-here’s 60 bucks, why don’t you take Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market of yours and get me some stuff. Rachel: (not sure of what to do) Y’know what? I don’t, I don’t think Phoebe really wants to come. Phoebe: No! I do want to! Rachel: Oh, she does want to. Ross: She does want to. Phoebe: Yeah! [Scene: The Street, Phoebe and Rachel are heading back from that Colonial flea market.] Rachel: Pheebs, I don’t know what to say. I guess the flea market was just better last time. Phoebe: Well at least I got these sheets for Ross. Rachel: Yeah. (They walk by a Pottery Barn window display.) Phoebe: Uck, look at this! Pottery Barn, yuck! Rachel: Yeah, y’know what? Don’t look at it. (Realizes the display is their living room) Seriously, don’t look at it. (Tries to pull Phoebe away.) Phoebe: No! Look-look! There’s the coffee table they stole from us! Rachel: Ugh, those bastards! Let’s go. Phoebe: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the…wait a sec! This is our exact living room! Rachel: No! No! No! No it’s not! No it’s not! Come on! Phoebe, ours is totally different! I mean we don’t have the… (Looks desperately for something different.) We don’t have the…that lamp! And-and that screen is y’know, on the other side. Phoebe: Oh my God. This is where you got all our stuff, Pottery Barn! Oh my God! Rachel: Okay! Okay-okay look—no I did, I just wanted this stuff and I know how you feel about Pottery Barn. Just… Come on don’t be mad. Phoebe: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And it’s all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I don’t have that lamp! Rachel: Well then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we have that 60 bucks from Ross. Phoebe: I can’t! I can’t! Unless… Well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if I didn’t buy that lamp? Rachel: What?! No! I’m not gonna move out! Phoebe: But are you saying that you would move out if I didn’t buy that lamp? Rachel: (gets it) Oh. Yes! I would so move out! Phoebe: Okay then I don’t have a choice! I have to buy that lamp! Rachel: That’s right! (They start to go inside.) Phoebe: But at least the apothecary table is real. [Scene: The hallway, Joey, Janine, Monica, and Chandler are returning from their second date.] Joey: Well, this-this-this was great. Didn’t everybody have a great time? Janine: Well I did. I really did. And you guys, I’ve got to say, I’m sorry if I was a little weird after the last time we went out. I guess I was just nervous or something. Chandler: That’s totally understandable. Monica: Don’t worry about it. Janine: So we can go out again? Chandler: Oh yeah! Monica: Absolutely! Janine: Oh good. Joey: Oh well then, good night! Monica: Good night! (They go into their respective apartments.) [Cut to Joey and Janine’s, they’re entering.] Joey: See? Eh, wasn’t that fun? Janine: We have got to move! Monica: (bursting in) I knew it!! Y’know, you’re not so quiet yourself, missy! Chandler: And I’m blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment." Janine: Y’know, I know you’re talking, but all I hear is, "Blah. Blah. Blah-blah-blah." Monica: (steps up and points at her) All right! You and me! Let’s go! Right now! Joey: All right! All right! Enough! Enough! Enough!! Enough! (To Chandler and Monica) You two go home! I-I-I gotta talk to Janine! (They start to leave.) Chandler: (To Monica) Y’know I think you can take her. Monica: (to Janine) You’d better hope I don’t see you in the hallway!! (They exit.) Joey: All right, uh, we’ve got a little bit of a problem here. These people are my friends; you can’t treat them that way. Janine: They said stuff to me too, y’know! Joey: I know! I know! And I’m going to talk to them about it. They mean so much to me. They… They’re like my family. If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I-I… I don’t think we can be together. It just, it just can’t work. It can’t. (Starts to break up) I’m very upset. Janine: Okay. Okay. Would, would it help if I went over and apologized? Joey: Yeah! Yeah! That would be very helpful! Yeah. (He opens the door for her and she exits into the hallway.) [Cut to the hallway, Janine is entering as Monica is taking out the garbage.] Monica: What did I tell you about the hall?! Janine: I was just coming over here to apologize for my behavior! I’d really like it if we could be friends. Monica: Well, I know that would make Joey happy, so, I would like that too. Janine: Great. Monica: Now come on. (They hug like men.) Well, I’m glad we worked things out. Janine: Me too. Monica: Okay. Janine: I’ll see you. Monica: Bye. (Leaves to resume her garbage removal task.) Janine: (muttering to herself) Or I’ll hear you. Monica: (hearing that) That’s it big girl! (Hits Janine in the butt with the garbage bag) Come on! Janine: Wait! (Janine pauses, then runs down the stairs.) Monica: (chasing her) You’d better run! (Joey and Chandler both come into the hallway.) Chandler: Did you hear that? Joey: Yeah uh, what am I gonna do? Chandler: Yeah, I’m sorry man. (Pause) You wanna go watch? Joey: Yeah! (They head downstairs.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Monica are there as Joey enters.] Ross: Hey! Joey: How ya doin’? Chandler: Hey so, did uh, did she move out? Joey: Pretty much, yeah. Monica: I cannot believe you broke up with her just like that. Joey: Well, when it’s not right, you know it. Chandler: You okay? Joey: Yeah! Yeah. I’ll be all right. Ross: Y’know what would cheer you up? Joey: What? Ross: I’m giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night, I think you should come. Joey: (laughing hysterically) You’re right! That did cheer me up! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x11 - The One With The Apothecary Table"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Story by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are there. Ross walks in with a magazine in his hand.] Ross: Hey, you’re not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it! Phoebe: I didn’t know Playboy prints jokes. Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It’s not just about the pictures. Monica: That didn’t work on mom, it’s not going to work on us. Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. It’s the first one, too. (They all laugh indifferently, except Chandler, who’s a little angry.) Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up. Ross: What? Chandler: I made that joke up. Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn’t. I did. Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard. Ross: Hey, tell Dan, ‘Thanks.’ (Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.) Ross: What? Rachel: I’m sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.) Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right? Monica: No. Chandler: Seriously? Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes! Ross: Look, Chandler, it’s my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don’t print the name, so it doesn’t really matter who gets credit, right? Chandler: Yeah, I guess. Joey: (entering) Hey guys. Chandler: (jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke. Ross: No, it’s my joke, it’s mine. You can call them, they’ll tell you. Chandler: It’s my joke. Ross: It’s my joke. Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right? Opening Credits [Scene: Joey’s apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up. Joey: Let’s go watch it at your place. Chandler: Nah, Monica’s watching some cooking show. Come on, I don’t want to miss when they were skinny. Joey: Chandler, Chandler, y’know what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses. Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out? Joey: No, that’s VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . It’s like a lotta noise to me. I don’t know… Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out? Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven’t really paid the bill Chandler: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money? Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot. Chandler: Whoa ho. Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine). Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place? Joey: Sure. Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill? Joey: Not so much. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.] Phoebe: (entering) Hey. Monica: (relieved) It’s only you. Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing? Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy. Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! (She runs over and sits down and checks out a picture). Yikes! Monica: So do you think that these pictures—Are, are they trying to tell a story? Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she’s crying out, ‘Where are they, where are they?’ Monica: Well, she’s not going to find them lying in the grass like that. (They flip through the pages to another picture.) Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over? Rachel and Monica: Yeah. Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. She’s cute, she’s outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fre. I mean, that’s got to come in handy Monica: Okay, I’ve got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be? Rachel: (thinks) I don’t know. Monica: Me neither. Phoebe: Rachel. Monica: What?! Phoebe: I don’t know. (Pause) Me neither. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.] Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart had. Chandler: Yeah. Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard. Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it. Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but I’m not even sure I got it. Ross: What, you didn’t get it? The doctor is a monkey. (He and Chandler crack up.) Chandler: And monkeys can’t write out prescriptions. (He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there) Chandler: (stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke. Ross: Your joke? Well, I think ‘the Hef’ would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars. Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money. Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I’ll show the sexy teller that I am a published writer. Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke. Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there? Chandler: Yeah! Ross: Well, I’m not going to go now anyway (he goes to sit down). Chandler: Okay (he goes to sit down). (Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.) gn: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go. Joey: Ah, gn, I can’t pay for this right now because I’m not working, so I’ve had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin’ for stuff. gn: Well, if you want, you can work here. Joey: Uh, I don’t know. Ya see, it’s just, see I was a regular on a soap opera y’know? And to go from that to this, I just… Plus, I’d have to wait on all my friends. gn: Okay, but the money’s good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want. Joey: What?! gn: Flexible hours. Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone? [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are in bed together.] Monica: (visibly upset) She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel. Chandler: (visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it. Monica: It’s wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel. Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I’m going to get a joke journal. Y’know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes. Monica: That’s a good idea. Chandler: Yeah! Monica: Do you know what’s a bad idea? Chandler: Picking Rachel. Monica: That’s right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something? Chandler: Maybe it’s the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts. Monica: It’s coming from the living room. (They go out to investigate, and find Joey wrapped in a blanket watching their television.) Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.) [Scene, Phoebe and Rachel’s, they’re sitting together on the couch.] Monica: (entering) Hey, you guys. Phoebe and Rachel: Hey. Monica: (laughing) Oh, don’t you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple. Rachel: Monica, what are you doing? Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, I’m just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny. Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny. Monica: (angrily) It wasn’t funny at all! Why would you do that? Why didn’t you pick me? Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that you’re … just … kinda high maintenance—Okay let’s go to lunch! Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I’m high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and we’re going to go through it point by point! Phoebe: No, okay, you’re right. You’re easy-going. You’re just not as easy-going as Rachel. She’s just more flexible and-and mellow. That’s all. Rachel: (To Monica) Well, people are different. Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel … she’ll do whatever you want. Y’know, you can just walk all over her. Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I’m a pushover? I’m not a pushover. Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) you’re not a pushover. Rachel: Oh my … you think I’m a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You’re not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that’s pretty strong, that’s what I think. Come on, Monica, let’s go to lunch. (She leaves) Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.) [Cut to the hallway.] Rachel: I cannot believe her. Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat? Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place. Monica: I’m sick of Japanese. We’re not going there. Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool. Monica: All right. [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees gn.] Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to gn) Oh, hey, gn, check this out. (gn looks at the joke and laughs.) gn: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up. (Ross begins to say something, realizes what gn just said, turns, and glares at Chandler. Chandler just shrugs it off.) Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink, ‘cause I’m heading up there. Ross: Uh, yeah, I’ll take a coffee. Thanks, man. Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee? ‘Cause I’m going up there. Rachel: No. Monica: No, thank you. Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need anything, ‘cause I’m heading up there. Woman: I’d love an ice water. Joey: You got it. Monica: Joey, what are you doing? Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a ‘what’s wrong with you?’ look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.) Rachel: Joey, honey, I don’t think you’re supposed to go back there. Joey: Nah, it’s okay. Right, gn? (Winks at him as if they’re in on a secret together.) gn: Don’t wink at me. And put on your apron. Joey: Okay, but I don’t see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons. Monica: Joey, do you work here? Joey: No. Customer: Hey, waiter. Joey: Yeah? Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Monica: Joey, what’s going on. What didn’t you tell us you work here? Joey: It’s kind of embarrassing, y’know. I mean, I was an actor and now I’m a waiter. It’s supposed to go in the other direction. Chandler: So is your apron. You’re wearing it like a cape. Joey: I mean, the job’s easy and the money’s good, you know? I guess I’m going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys. Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine. Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee? Joey: Okay, I guess it doesn’t seem that weird. Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven’t gotten it. Joey: See, now it’s weird again. Chandler: I think it’s great that you work here. You’re going to make a lot of money, and here’s your first tip: Don’t eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse. Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin. Joey: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y’know? Now, how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It’s all about turnover. Ross: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee? Joey: Oh, I’m sorry, Ross. I’ll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I’ll toss in a free muffin. (He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.) [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.] Rachel: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are? Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky. Monica: Hah! Phoebe: That true, I am flaky. Rachel: So, what, you’re just, you’re just okay with being flaky? Phoebe: Yeah, totally. Monica: Well, then, I’m okay with being high maintenance. Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover. Phoebe: That’s great. Good for you guys. Monica: I am not high maintenance! Rachel: I am not a pushover! Phoebe: Who said you were? Monica and Rachel: You did! Phoebe: Oh, I’m flaky. I’ll say anything. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.] Joey: Hey, gn. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition. gn: No, I’m leaving to get my hair dyed. Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it’s a great part. Look, check it out. I’m the lead guy’s best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. ‘I’m sorry, that seat’s saved.’ gn: That’s the whole part? Joey: Okay, maybe he’s not his best friend, but … gn: Okay, I’ll see you in an hour. Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. ‘I’m sorry, that seat is taken.’ Patron: Oh, excuse me. Joey: No, no, I didn’t mean you. But, you believed me, huh? Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone. Joey: So, you’d hire me, right? Patron: For what? Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour. Customers: Huh? What? Joey: Yeah, it’s for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It’s a very important issue in this month’s Playboy. I’m sure you all read about it. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.] Ross: It’s my joke. Chandler: It’s my joke. Ross and Chandler: It’s my joke. Ross: Y’know, I don’t think we’re going to settle this. Chandler: Let’s have Monica decide. Ross: Yeah! Chandler: Yeah! Ross: Hey Mon. Chandler: Mon, get out here! Ross: Monica! (She appears, not sure why she was summoned.) Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is. Monica: Why do I have to decide? Chandler: Because you’re the only one that can be fair. Ross: Yeah. Monica: I can’t be fair. You’re my boyfriend. Ross: Yeah, but I’m your brother. We’re family. That’s the most important thing in the world. Chandler: (to Ross) Don’t try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) I’m your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let’s go. Ross: We’ll each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truth—me. Monica: Okay, Chandler, you go first. Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve. Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas? Chandler: Can I finish my story?! Monica: Do you want me to pick you?! Ross: See, I would never snap at you like that. (Chandler motions to Monica that he’ll give her two babies.) Monica: Continue. Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve’s doctor’s name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, ‘Doctor Monkey?’ And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.) Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution? Monkey into man? Plus, I’m a doctor, and I had a monkey. I’m Doctor Monkey! Chandler: I’m not arguing with that. Monica: All right, I’ve heard enough. I’ve made my decision. (Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.) Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it’s offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldn’t be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks! (Monica leaves the room) Ross: It’s your joke. Chandler: Is not. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, she’s lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.] Monica: Hi, Chandler. There you are. Chandler: Hi, oh hi. Monica: Hey, it’s Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don’t you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance? (Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.) Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and—(He falters and Monica prompts him.)—generosity of spirit. Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I’ve ever heard. Phoebe: Really? I’ve heard better. Monica: Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler. Chandler: (To Chandler) I’m out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again? Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler! Chandler: (pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You’re a little high maintenance. Monica: Ahhh! You are on my list. Chandler: I’m sorry. You’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that’s good too. So, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because I like … maintaining you. Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didn’t even tell him to say that. (They hug). All right you’re off my list. Chandler: (happily) I’m off the list. (Sits on the couch.) Monica: (sits next to him) Phoebe, it’s okay that you don’t want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend. Phoebe: (to Monica) Y’know, suddenly I find you very attractive. (Joey enters.) Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, how’d the audition go? Joey: Not good, no. I didn’t get the part, and I lost my job here, so … Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition. Rachel: How-how did you lose your job here? Joey: Well, I had the audition but gn said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me. Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you’ve been working here two days? That’s not, that’s not right. Joey: Yeah, what are ya gonna do? Rachel: Joey, you can’t let him get away with that. Ya know what, I’m not going to let him get away with that. I’m going to say something to him—No, I really shouldn’t say anything—No, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) gn, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fre him… gn: Okay. Rachel: What? g*n: He can have his job back. Rachel: That’s right, he can have his job back. I’m glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back. Joey: That’s great. Thanks Rach. Rachel: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who’s a pushover? Phoebe: (returning from the bathroom) Rach, you’re in my seat. Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. (Gets up and moves.) Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.] Phoebe: Hey, I never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend. Monica: I pick you, Phoebe. Rachel: Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I kinda thought. (Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.) (Joey, Chandler and Ross enter.) Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick? Ross: No way. Joey: I’m not answering that. Chandler: Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I’m not answering that. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x12 - The One With The Joke"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Story by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.] Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together that’s (pauses to figure the total) $12.75. Chandler: This coming from the man who couldn’t split our 80 dollar phone bill in half. (A good-looking woman approaches.) Woman: Hi! Joey: Hi! Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte? Joey: Oh that’s on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani. Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime? Joey: Well, he’s not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I good check with him—He says it’s okay. (She hands him her card.) Great! Thanks! Bye-bye! Ross: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isn’t free? Joey: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! I’m getting more dates than ever! Rachel: Wait a minute, you’re only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls? Phoebe: Yeah Joey that is so gross! Joey: How about a scone on the house baby? Phoebe: (giggles) I’m pretty. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly.] Ross: Hey does anyone have any gum? Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, y’know what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know it’s in here somewhere. Ross: Y’know what? I’m good! I’m good! Monica: (entering) Hey! Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work? Monica: (congested) Ugh, they sent me home. They said I can’t work if I’m sick. All: Ohh! Chandler: I’m so sorry you’re sick. Monica: I’m not sick!! I don’t get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies! Rachel: Honey, no one thinks you’re a pansy, but we do think you need a tissue. (She notices something hanging from Monica’s nose, as does Joey.) Monica: (wiping her nose) I have not been sick in over three years! (Sneezes.) Chandler: I’m gonna grab you some tissue. Monica: I don’t need a tissue! I’m fine-d! Ross: When you put a ‘D’ at the end of ‘Fine’ you’re not fine. Monica: I’m fine-d. I’m fine-d! Y’know, it’s a really hard word to say. (There’s a knock on the door. The gng is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.) Chandler: Yes? (A woman enters.) Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister. Rachel: Oh my God, Jill! Jill: Oh my God, Rachel! (They run and hug each other.) Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us! Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.) Jill: Hi! Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross! Ross: Hi Jill. Rachel: And that’s Phoebe (points), and that’s Joey. Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin’? Rachel: Don’t!! (Joey backs away frightened.) (To Jill) Honey, what are you doing here?! Phoebe: (To Ross) Which-which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or that’s bitter? Jill: (To Rachel) Daddy cut me off. Phoebe: Never mind, I got it. Jill: And y’know what I said to him? "I’m gonna hire a lawyer and I’m gonna sue you and take all your money. Then I’m gonna cut you off!" Rachel: Wow! What did he say? Jill: That he wouldn’t pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter he’s actually proud off. Rachel: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dad’s proud of me! My dad’s proud of me. Monica: Rach? (Points to Jill.) Rachel: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you off? Jill: Okay, I bought a boat. Monica: You bought a boat? Jill: Yeah but it wasn’t for me, it was for a friend. Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.) Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! I’m the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna get a job, you’re gonna get an apartment, and then I’ll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us? Phoebe: Of course, yeah! Jill: Oh, that’s so great! Okay, I’m really gonna do this! I don’t know how to thank you guys. Phoebe: Ooh, I like cards. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch.] Joey: (to a customer) Are you all finished here? Customer: Yes. Joey: Great! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes it.) gn: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars. Joey: What?! gn: For all the free food you gave away. Joey: Well if it’s free food, how come you’re charging me for it? gn: We don’t give anything away unless it’s someone’s birthday. Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest? gn: No! Joey: (to a woman who came in third in a modeling contest) Sorry! (He grabs her muffin away and returns it to the serving tray.) Jill: (entering, carrying a bunch of shopping bags) I just had the hardest day. Those bags are so heavy. (Sets them down.) Ross: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your credit card. Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, "Don’t you want to rent me this apartment?" pants. Ross: I don’t think charging new clothes too your dad qualifies as making it on your own. Jill: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical! Phoebe: Seriously, I don’t Rachel’s gonna think it’s a good idea. Jill: So who made her queen of the world? Phoebe: I would love that job! Rachel: (entering) Hey! What’s goin’ on? Jill: Hey! Rachel: (notices Jill’s bags) Jill! Did you shop?! Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross) Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping! Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jill’s nose when you know she’s trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible! Phoebe: Sorry Jill. Ross: Sorry-sorry Jill. Rachel: What’d you get? Phoebe: Oh well, all right, I got (Ross hands her a bag) (To Ross) thank you, I got uh, this y’know "I want a job sweater." (Holds up the same sweater.) Rachel: Oh. Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants. Rachel: Apartment pants? Phoebe: Yeah, you never heard of them? Rachel: No, of course, of course I’ve heard of them! Ross, what did you get? Ross: Huh? Oh, I got this—(Holds up this pink frilly thing)—this! Rachel: A pajmena? Ross: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies! Rachel: Really? Ross: Ross, wants a pajmena? Ross: It’s a rug. (Jill winces.) Rachel: Jill? Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) I’m sorry Rachel, I’m sorry… Rachel: Oh, come on! You think that’s gonna work on me?! I invented that! Jill: Right! But, I am sorry. Rachel: All right, it’s okay. One little setback is okay, just don’t let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But I’m just gonna take the-the pajmena. (Ross hands it to her.) And the uh, and the uh pants. Y’know what, I’m just gonna take it all away, ‘cause that way you’ll just really learn the lesson. Okay? All righty, I’m gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. (Leaves with all of Jill’s stuff.) Jill: She took all my stuff. Ross: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one. (Holds it up for her.) Jill: (gasps) That’s the best one! Oh my God, (hugs him) thank you so much! Ross: Well. Hey… Jill: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pajmena could be a rug! Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, (mimics her fake cry) "I’m sorry!" Jill: (hits him) Shut up! I did not sound like that at all! Phoebe: What about, what about when I said y’know about the apartment pants, how dumb was I? (They both look at her.) Jill: Were you this cute in high school? Ross: Oh stop. Jill: No you stop! Ross: No, you stop! Jill: You stop! Phoebe: (gets up and sits between them) Okay-okay, why don’t I sit here and you’ll both stop it! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still very sick and is entering the living room from the bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a magazine.] Monica: Okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? Let’s do something crazy! Chandler: I know, let’s rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.) Monica: Okay, I’ll rest. But y’know if I’m going to bed, then you’re coming with me. Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if you weren’t all drippy here. (Points to his nose.) Monica: (wiping her nose) Are you saying that you don’t wanna get with this? (Tries to do a little sexy body rub, but it doesn’t work all that well with the big robe.) Chandler: Yeah, I don’t you should say that even when you’re healthy. Monica: (in a sexy voice) Come on. (Coughs loudly.) Chandler: Don’t take this personally okay? It’s just that I just can’t have sex with a sick person. Monica: I’m with you Chandler! I mean I can’t have sex with a sick person either, that’s disgusting! But I’m not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of libe. Chandler: That’s the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe. [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.] Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Rachel: What’s up?! Phoebe: Umm, I think there’s something you should maybe know. Rachel: Well, it’d better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it. Phoebe: No. No. It’s just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, I’m pretty sure I saw a little spark between them. Rachel: What?! Phoebe: Yeah I mean it’s probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there. Rachel: With Ross and Jill? Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: With Ross and my sister? Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross? Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: Oh there is no way. Phoebe: Okay then. Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I don’t really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn’t that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and they’re gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can’t stop it! I can’t—I don’t own Ross! Y’know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I can’t believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. Phoebe: But great news about the apartment pants, huh? [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving the bill to the same beautiful woman from before.] Joey: That’ll be $3.85. Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff! Joey: It’s just I can’t because my manager said I… (Gets an idea) (Starts singing) "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Annie… Woman: Amy! Joey: (still singing) "…Amy! Happy birthday to you!" A Male Customer: Hey, that’s weird, today’s my birthday too! Joey: Yeah, not it here it isn’t. Jill: (entering) Sorry I’m late, what’s up? Rachel: (on the couch) Oh hi! Y’know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front. Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn’t go in. How strong am I? Rachel: That is great. Hey, y’know who doesn’t have to job hunt? Ross. He works at the university. Jill: Yeah. Rachel: Oh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so you think you’re gonna go out? Jill: Me go out with Ross?! No! God no! What would make you think that? Rachel: I just, Phoebe, said y’know thought she saw something between you guys. Jill: No! I mean he’s nice. Rachel: Yeah. Jill: He’s the kind of guy you’re friends with, y’know? But he’s not the kind of guy you date. He’s the kind of guy you’d date because you did. Me, not so much. Rachel: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there something wrong with Ross? Jill: Oh no-no-no, he’s just I don’t know, he’s just a little bookish. Rachel: Are-are you saying he’s a geek? Jill: You think so too? Rachel: No! No I, no Ross is not a geek! Jill: Fine, then let’s just say he’s not my type. Rachel: What handsome is not your type? Smart? Kind? Good kisser? What those things aren’t on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him! Jill: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then I’ll ask him out. Rachel: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, that’s not what I meant. Jill: No! Y’know what Rachel? You’re right, y’know he has been really nice to me. Rachel: Yeah but, he’s not your type. Jill: Yeah but maybe that’s a good thing. Y’know I’m doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too! Rachel: Yeah but, you don’t, you don’t, you don’t want to try to much too fast. Y’know? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that tried to much too fast don’t you? Jill: What? Rachel: She-she died Jill. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls from the bedroom and wakes him up.] Monica: (still sick) Chandler! Chandler: Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least she’s trying too and as he enters the room, she takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh! Monica: (trying to be seductive) Calling Dr. Big, Dr. Big to the bed. Chandler: Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep. Monica: How could I be asleep knowing that you were in the next room. Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Y’know what’s sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy. Monica: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove to you that I’m not sick! I wanna make you feel, as good as I feel. (Sneezes.) Chandler: Would you please get some rest! Monica: I’m fine. (She goes into one of those half sneezing, half-coughing fits that you get with a bad cold or flu.) [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy Birthday to yet another good-looking woman. gn is watching and is not very happy.] Joey: (singing) "Happy birthday to you!" gn: You’re paying for that. Joey: What? No-no it’s her birthday! gn: You’ve sung Happy Birthday to 20 different women today! Joey: But it really… gn: You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins. Joey: Damnit! (Storms off.) Ross: (entering) Rach? Hi! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Did you tell your sister to ask me out? Rachel: Well yeah… Ross: Oh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think she’s cute but I-I would never have thought of going out with her, never! Rachel: Really?! Ross: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I figured, "Why not?!" Rachel: Oh so-so not really never. Ross: I have to say you are a much bigger person than I am. I mean after all we’ve been through, I just—y’know I wish I had a brother to reciprocate. Hey, if you ever want to go out with Monica, you have my blessing. Joey: (overhearing them) Oh-ho, and mine! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still sick and is hobbling out into the living room for some help from Chandler who’s on the couch reading.] Monica: (entering) Chandler, I think I’m sick. Chandler: Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe! Monica: Okay, fine I admit it! I feel terrible! Would you please rub this on my chest? (She hands him some of that Vicks Vap-O-Rub to put on.) Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way. Monica: Come on! I really need your help! Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! Monica: Fine, I’ll rub it on myself. Chandler: Okay. (To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe to reveal that she is naked from the waist up, well at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gn. Chandler notices this, and has something start happening. I’ll let you fill in the blank here.) Chandler: So you’re just, kinda rubbing it on yourself? Monica: Yeah? Chandler: It’s nice. Monica: Are you kidding me?! Is this; is this turning you on? Chandler: Yes! (Hangs his head in shame.) Monica: I can’t believe it! What is it? Is it the rubbing or the smell? Chandler: It’s all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up? Monica: Not now, I’m sick! Chandler: Oh come on you big faker! Monica: What happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people? Chandler: Well that was before all the vaporizing action. Monica: Okay, if you really wanna have sex… Chandler: Okay! (Runs into the bedroom.) Monica: Worked like a charm. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Jill enters to start her date with Ross.] Jill: (entering) Hi! Rachel: Hi! Wh-what are you doing here? Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? (She spins to show Rachel the outfit she’s wearing.) Rachel: Well, I-I don’t like it. Jill: Really?! Rachel: It’s kinda slutty. Jill: It’s yours! Rachel: Yeah well, I’m-I’m a slut. Jill: (laughs) Me too. Ross: (entering) Hi Jill! Jill: Hey! Ross: Hi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a moment). Rachel: Rachel. Ross: Rachel! Well, you-you’re not at home, you’re-you’re-you’re right here. Rachel: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But it’s not! (There’s an awkward silence.) Ross: Okay. So well I’ll umm, (To Rachel) I’ll have her home by midnight. (Rachel laughs a little too hard as Ross and Jill leave for their date. After they have left, Rachel starts to break down.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters and walks quickly over to the window to watch Ross’s apartment. We see that Ross’s apartment is empty.] Rachel: Why aren’t you home yet?! Monica: (calling from the bathroom) Is someone there? Rachel: Oh yes, it’s me! Sorry! Chandler: (calling from the bathroom) What are you doing here? Rachel: Uh, I’m just, I’m just looking out your window. At-at the view. What are you guys doing? Chandler: We got some Vap-O-Rub in some places. (We see that Ross is returning to his apartment with Jill.) Rachel: (gasps) Oh, he brought her back to his apartment. Monica: (entering with Chandler) Who? (She looks out the window at Ross’s apartment) Is that your sister? Rachel: Ugh, she is a slut! Monica: God, Ross is on a date with your sister! How weird is that?! Rachel: Oh my God, look-look he’s taking off her clothes! Chandler: He’s taking off her coat! (We see that Ross is taking off Jill’s coat.) Rachel: Oh, this is just terrible. Monica: Oh no it’s not, no it’s not. It’s a first date. I’m sure that nothing is gonna…(as she is talking we see Ross close his drapes.) Rachel: Oh. (Squeaks again.) Chandler: Ho-oh, he’s gonna get some! (Rachel looks at him.) Of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. Y’know so umm, he’s closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well, I’m off to bed! (Goes to bed.) To Be Continued Ending Credits (There is no credits scene, just a preview of the next couple of episodes.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x13 - The One With Rachel\u2019s Sister"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still looking out the window as Joey enters.] Joey: (sees Rachel) Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh… Oh wait, I don’t have to lie to you, you don’t live here anymore. Uh, I’m eating their food. What are you doing? Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago. Joey: Whoa, I didn’t know we could date your sister! (Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato chips behind his back.) Monica: Joey we know you steal our food. (Joey offers them some potato chips.) Chandler: I’m good. Monica: (To Rachel) Oh, are the drapes still closed hon? Rachel: Yeah. And y’know who should’ve shut their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two doors over. Chandler: (looking) Is that a swing? Rachel: Oh don’t even ask! Chandler: Yuck! Joey: I can’t believe Ross went out with Rachel’s sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years. Chandler: That was like 5 years ago. Joey: Yeah you got 5 years left! Chandler: Joey… Joey: You wanna make it 6?! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch reading as Rachel enters. It’s the next day.] Rachel: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There you are! Ross: Hey! Rachel: (to gn) I’ll take a coffee. (To Ross) So how was your big date last night? Ross: Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun. Rachel: Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys ht it off? Ross: I guess so. Rachel: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes! Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils. Rachel: Oh, slides. (Laughs.) So really nothing happened. Ross: Something could’ve happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe. Rachel: Right. Was it the, "Please don’t show me another picture of a trilobite vibe?" Ross: Anyway, if she, if she wasn’t in to me, why-why would she ask me out again? Rachel: She asked-asked you out again? Ross: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean. Rachel: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I got it! I got it! I got it! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I just can’t. It’s just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can’t do it! I can’t do it. Ross: (while Rachel is finishing her rant) Okay! Okay! Okay! It’s okay. (Rachel stops.) It’s okay. Hey, it’s too weird for you, I won’t see her again. Rachel: Thank you. I…yeah. Ross: I mean after tomorrow night. Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can’t! I can’t do it! (Starts to freak out.) It’s just gonna freak me out!!! Ross: Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay! Okay! Okay! I’ll-I’ll tell her tonight I can’t see her anymore. Rachel: Ross thanks. Ross: You want me to call her right now? Rachel: Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that’s-that’s crazy—I mean that’s crazy. So what’s-what’s going on with you? What is going on with you? Ross: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester! Rachel: Yeah do it now, call right now. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching ET.] Monica: (crying) This is my favorite part. Phoebe: (crying) Yeah me too. (We see the TV and it’s the last scene where ET is saying goodbye.) Phoebe: Oh y’know what’s sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother klled herself so I was partly crying for that. Chandler: (totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon! Joey: (crying) You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mother died? Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer! Monica: Chandler there’s nothing wrong with crying! I mean you don’t have to be so macho all the time. Chandler: I’m not macho. Monica: Yeah you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried. Y’know? I’m not a crying kind of guy. Joey: Come on man there’s gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy? Chandler: I’d be sad sure, but I wouldn’t cry. Joey: Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me." Chandler: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I’m rich! Monica: Oh, I’ve got it! I have got it! (Gets up and gets something from the dresser underneath the TV.) Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good! (Chandler starts paging through the album.) Phoebe: All right, what’s going on there? (Points to a picture.) Chandler: Oh, that’s Parent’s Day, first grade. That’s me with the janitor Martin. Monica: Where were your parents? Chandler: Oh they didn’t want to come! Phoebe: Oh Chandler! Monica: Poor thing! Phoebe: So that story doesn’t make you cry? Chandler: No! Look, I don’t cry! It’s not a big deal! Okay?! Joey: No! It’s not okay! It’s not okay at all!! You’re dad inside!! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her guitar as a man approaches.] The Fan: Excuse me. Phoebe: Yeah? The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay? Phoebe: Yeah. The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, I’m your biggest fan. (Holds out a napkin and a pen.) Phoebe: Oh you’re my biggest fan? I’ve always wanted to meet you! Hi! (Shakes his hand.) Sure! Yeah! (Signs the autograph) The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you’re really talented. Phoebe: You’re just saying that because you’re my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? (Points) He’s a fan. (To the fan as she’s leaving) Bye! (Exits) Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya? The Fan: I have no idea what you’re talking about. But I, but I just got Phoebe Buffay’s autograph! Joey: Oh, you’re Phoebe’s fan! The Fan: Oh yeah! I’ve seen all her movies. Joey: Movies? The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the prn star. Joey: (laughs) I don’t think so. The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren’t gonna believe this! (Exits.) Joey: Hey gn, don’t let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebe’s a prn star! gn: Well, I wouldn’t call her a star, but she’s really good. You should check out Inspecther Gadget. [Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, Rachel is at the counter as Jill enters.] Jill: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Jill: You’ll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me off and he didn’t even tell me why! Rachel: Ohhh well. Y’know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! He’s a real up-and-comer in Human Resources. Jill: Y’know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I’m not gonna date some random guy from your work. Rachel: It’s not random, it’s Bob. Jill: It’s probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesn’t like the way I dress—No that can’t be it. It’s really gotta be the smart thing. Oh I’m so stupid! I’m just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl! Rachel: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to. Jill: You asked him too?! Rachel: Hm-mmm. Jill: Why?! Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history… Jill: I don’t understand, do you want to go out with Ross? Rachel: No. Jill: You don’t want him, but you don’t want me to have him? Rachel: (changing the subject) Y’know Bob in Human Resources… Jill: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me! You had me doubting how smart I was! (Gasps) You had me doubting my fashion sense! Rachel: Look, this is not that big of a deal! You just don’t date Ross! There’s a million other guys out there, you just… Jill: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do. Rachel: I’m not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do! Jill: Why are you so jealous of me? Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can’t have! Jill: Can’t have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can’t have is dairy! (Starts to storm out.) Rachel: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob! Jill: Who?! Rachel: In Human Resources!!!!!! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is ranting about Jill to Chandler and Monica.] Rachel: …I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?! Monica: You’re jealous of Princess Caroline? Rachel: Do I have my own castle? (Joey and Ross enter.) Ross: Hey! Uh, Phoebe’s not here is she? Rachel: No. Monica: (noticing the bag Joey’s carrying) Oh great! Did you get a movie? Joey: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don’t think it’s the kind you’re gonna like. Chandler: You didn’t get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you? (Joey and Ross exchange looks.) Joey: Sort of… Monica: Guys, what’s going on? Joey: (holds up the movie) Phoebe’s a prn star! All: What?!! (They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.) Chandler: Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer. Rachel: Oh my God! Monica: That’s Phoebe! Where did you get that? Joey: Well down at the adult video place down on Bleaker. Ross: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn’t know he was in there. (They all kinda look at him.) Rachel: Wow! I mean, I just—I can’t, I can’t believe this. Y’know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who’s always been somewhat of a question mark. Monica: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, y’know she had such a terrible childhood. Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don’t do prn. Monica: Yes, but you are dad inside. Joey: All right well, I’d better take that back. Monica: Wh-what, why? Joey: We can’t watch that! I mean that’s Phoebe! Monica: Yeah you’re right, we can’t—we shouldn’t watch this. Rachel: Absolutely not. Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesn’t let him grab it) Y’know maybe a little bit! Rachel: Probably just the first half. Joey: No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys! Phoebe’s our friend! Well, I’m not gonna watch it! Ross: Yeah! Good for you Joe! Joey: Yeah. (Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.) (The movie starts, it’s a vampire’s lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and sits up. Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Ah, I thought I’d find you here, Nasforatool. The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places? Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Actually, I was kinda hoping it would be the other way around. (At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nasforatool start to get it on. Of course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gng to the film playing off screen.) Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle? Chandler: Her ankle is what you’re watching? Rachel: Well it’s hard to tell… (Rachel gets up to get a closer look, only she’s having some trouble.) Oh God, if she would just stop moving. Chandler: She’s just doing her job! Joey: (sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the TV) You sick bastards! Rachel: Oh, it’s a tattoo! That’s weird, Phoebe doesn’t… Wait that’s Ursula! That’s not Phoebe that is Ursula! (Upon hearing this, Joey can’t turn his chair around fast enough and knocks it over.) Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it! Phoebe: (entering) Hey! What’s up? (Sees the TV) Oh my God! What am I doing?!! Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is reading Chicken Soup for the Soul as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey sweetie! Chandler: Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.) Monica: (picking up the book) Chicken Soup for the Soul? Chandler: There’s no back to this couch! Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff. Chandler: Yeah I know, but I figured a sht y’know? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn’t think I was y’know, all dad inside. Monica: Oh that’s so sweet! Look Chandler I don’t care if you can’t cry, I love you. Chandler: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest. Monica: Stop it! Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we’re up at the altar and I’m like this. (Makes a bored face.) Monica: I won’t care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here. (Points to her heart.) Chandler: Yeah? Monica: Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don’t cry, so what! And-and-and, and if we take him to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, it won’t matter to me. Chandler: Okay, well I won’t uh, worry about this anymore then. Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And you’re writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can’t shed one tiny tear, I know you’ll be crying a river inside. Chandler: Aww, I love you so… Monica: What is wrong with you?!!! Chandler: What?! Monica: What?! You can’t shed a tear for your dad wife!! Now, I left you a note from the beyond! Chandler: So you didn’t mean any of that?! Monica: No you robot!! [Scene: Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing and he’s running to answer it while doing up his pants.] Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to… (Opens the door to find Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-that’s just a little game I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, they’ve really taken a liking to me. (Quickly looks out to see if they’re watching.) Uhh what’s-what’s-what’s the matter? Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know we’re not supposed to see each other anymore and I’m okay with that, it’s just that I don’t know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it. Ross: Of course, what happened? (Lets her in.) Jill: (entering) I don’t want to talk about it. Ross: Okay, umm… Jill: But you know what might really cheer me up? Ross: What? Jill: Seeing some more of your super-cool slides. Ross: Wow! Really?! Jill: Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand. Ross: Well, I’d love to! Here, you wait right here and I’ll go get the projector and my notes! Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, you’re such a good friend! Ross: Ohh! (He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While he’s gone, Jill quickly checks her makeup. [Cut to Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel is entering.] Rachel: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can’t find her anywhere. Monica: No, I haven’t. Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I’ll just call him to see if he’s actually seen her. (She goes to look out the window at Ross’s apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.) [Scene: Ursula’s apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new prn career.] Ursula: Who is it? Phoebe: It’s Phoebe! Phoebe! (Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.) Ursula: Hey! Phoebe: (seeing her dress) Oh God. So-so you’re making prn movies. Ursula: No I’m not. (Someone calls out from her apartment.) Man’s Voice: We’re still rolling! Phoebe: You’re making one right now! Another Man’s Voice: Let’s go Phoebe! Phoebe: And-and you’re using my name! Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something? Same Man’s Voice: Phoebe, come on! Phoebe: Look, I’m talking right now! You’re—you mean her. Ursula: Y’know, twin stuff is always a real big seller. Phoebe: What?! Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars. Phoebe: No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! (Yells into the apartment) And shame on all of you! You’re disgusting! Especially you (points to someone) with that! (Storms away.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is setting up for the slide show.] Ross: Slides are almost ready. Jill: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol! Ross: Uh okay, well there’s-there’s wine in the kitchen. Jill: Oh great! (Goes to get it as the phone rings.) Ross: (answering it) Hello? Rachel: (on phone) What is my sister doing there?! And why are the drapes shut?! Ross: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she’s really upset we’re just talking. Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me! Ross: So that’s the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I’m a good listener and I uh I put on a great slide show! Rachel: Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me! Ross: Y’know what? I think I can take care of myself, I’ll talk to you later. Good-bye. (Hangs up the phone and turns to find Jill sitting really close to him.) Whoa! Uh, that was your sister actually. She-she thinks that you’re just using me. Jill: So? (Kisses him passionately.) [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for. Joey: Oh no, not you too! Phoebe: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay’s checks; there were a lot of them. Joey: Nice! Phoebe: Um-mmm, and I won’t have to go there anymore because I gave them my correct address. Joey: That’s great, but isn’t it gonna bother that people still think you’re a prn star? Phoebe: Oh no! No! I know how to handle it. Joey: You do? Phoebe: Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where he’s seen her before.) (To him) You’re trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I’ll give you a hint. From prn! Okay? (He tries to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a prn movie! (To Joey) See? Joey: Yeah. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross is entering. Chandler and Monica are at the kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading.] Chandler: Hey. Ross: (To Rachel) You uh, you may have been right about Jill. Rachel: Oh! I knew it! What happened? Ross: Umm, she kissed me. Rachel: What?! You kissed! Chandler: (To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy. Monica: (To Chandler) Shhhh!!! Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay? Rachel: Well, it doesn’t sound like it! I mean, it’s pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don’t kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing! Ross: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn’t stop it. I guess I-I just wasn’t thinking… Rachel: Yeah that’s right you weren’t thinking! Y’know what? Let me give you something to think about! (She pulls up her sleeves and steps towards him.) Ross: Oh wait—hold it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing. Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister’s mouth long enough to tell me that. Ross: Look I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us! Rachel: What?! Ross: No, I mean, look I don’t know if anything is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I don’t want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector. Rachel: Wow. I, I don’t even know what to say. Thank you. (Gently kicks him.) Ross: You’re welcome. (Gently kicks her back.) (Chandler starts crying.) Monica: Oh my God! Are-are you crying? Chandler: (crying hysterically) I just don’t see why those two can’t work things out! Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Jill enters.] Jill: All right, I’m leaving! Because I’m not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That’s you Rachel! Rachel: Yeah, I got that. Jill: (To Ross) And you! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you? Ross: You take care Jill. Jill: (happily) Okay, see ya! (Exits.) Rachel: Bye-bye-e! Monica: Bye. Chandler: (starts crying) I-I can’t believe Jill’s gone. (They all look at him.) I can’t help it, I opened a gate. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x14 - The One Where Chandler Can\u2019t Cry"}	foreverdreaming
Part I Written by: Greg Malins & Adam Chase Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen {Transcriber’s Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, that’s why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.} [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Wow! Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?! Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy. Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-who’s Barry and Mindy? Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend. Joey: Ohh-oh, wasn’t he cheating on you with her? Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me. Monica: Why did they get divorced? Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn’t that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be? Ross: I know what you mean, I’ve always wondered how different my life would be if-if I’d never gotten divorced. Phoebe: Which time? Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn’t realized she was a lesbian. Joey: (starts to imagine it) I can’t. I keep seeing it the good way. Ross: I’d bet I’d still be doing my kara-tay. (That’s karate, he’s just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y’know, not doing anything else physical. Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay. Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldn’t be dating me, that’s for sure. Chandler: Sure I would! All: (simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right! Chandler: What, you guys really think that I’m that shallow? Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat. Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, there’s Carol again! Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I’d probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job’s fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I don’t have to wear a tie. Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch? Ross: What?! Rachel: Merrill Lynch? Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks. Rachel: Well why didn’t you take the job? Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So I thought y’know that if I’d work with stocks, I’d have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox. Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we’d still hang out? Opening Credits {Transcriber’s note: This is where the opening credits are, but they’re not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachel’s still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then they’re dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesn’t apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.} [Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.] Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green? Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman! Ross: No-no. It’s-it’s me, Ross! Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. Ross Tillman. Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller. Rachel: Ohh, of course Monica’s brother! Ross: Yeah. Right. Rachel: Wow! How are you?! Ross: Good-good, I’m-I’m married. (Shows her his ring.) Rachel: Ohh! Me too! Ross: Is-isn’t it the best? Rachel: Oh, it’s the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm how’s Monica? Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she’s right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi. Rachel: Ohh, I would love too. Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, she’d be so excited! Rachel: Ohh! Okay! Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.) Rachel: Oh wait, don’t you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies? Ross: No, it’s okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I don’t… Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay. Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay. Rachel: But! Don’t you have to give him his money back? Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no prn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, let’s go see Monica! [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monica’s boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monica’s fat, I won’t be calling her Fat Monica throughout.] Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh? Monica: He’s not boring! He’s just-he’s just low key. Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.) Monica: Thanks. Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Y’know, the hazelnut actually not a nut, it’s a seed. Joey: (not impressed) Wow!! Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed that’s been masquerading as a nut? Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.) Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey. Joey: Hey. Monica: Oh no! What’s the matter? Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny." Monica's Boyfriend: Y’know what honey? I got to get back to the hospital. Monica: Okay. Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay. Monica: Bye. Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.) Chandler: Was his question what’s more boring than him? Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money? Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride. Joey: Really? Chandler: Ehh. Monica: Maybe Joey doesn’t have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right? Joey: That’s an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her? Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff! Joey: That’s great! That would be great! Let’s do that! Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write. Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard! Chandler: Okay! Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don’t need any assistance in there, take a break! Chandler: All right! (As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. She’s wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.) Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what? Phoebe: What? Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant! Phoebe: Ohh that’s so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, it’s a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it’s okay. It’s okay, you’re allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired. (She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.) Ross: Hey Mon! Monica: Hey! Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.) Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific! Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (She’s not quite sure of that one.) Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds! Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.) Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Oh yeah. Ross: And that’s Phoebe over there! (Points to her.) Phoebe: Hi! Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since we’ve seen each other? Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahon’s party. I played you one of my songs, y’know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual. Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, are—do you, do you still do music? Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! I’ll play you one of my other… Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here! Monica: Rach, he’s a friend of ours. Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray? Chandler: Well it’s kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he’s not real. Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime! Rachel: He’s coming over! He’s coming over! Monica: (getting up) Joey! Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.) Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together. Rachel: (giggles and can’t look at him) Hi! Joey: (shaking Rachel’s hand) Hi! Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kll you… Joey: Well, it’s always nice to meet the fans. Rachel: Ah! Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) She’s not crazy is she? Monica: No. Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin’? [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe’s cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.] Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Who’s this? (Listens) Oh okay, you’re gonna like working for me. What’s your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I… Whatever… Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name. Joey: (entering) Hey there you are! Chandler: Uh-oh, it’s my boss! Joey: All right, here’s a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work I’m delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.) Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans. Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are don’t you? Chandler: What? Monica: You’re his bitch. Phoebe: (yelling from Monica’s room) No-no!! No!! Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didn’t just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!! Phoebe: No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13 million dollars. Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?! Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can’t call my office they’ll kll me! I can’t call my clients they’ll kll themselves! Great, now my chest hearts. Monica: What?! Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can’t breathe. Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attck?! Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shting pains up and down my left arm? Monica: Yes!! Phoebe: Then yes that is what I’m having. (Takes another puff of the cigarette.) Monica: Oh my God! Commercial Break [Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attck as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.] Ross: Come on Pheebs, it’s not that bad! Y’know most people would be excited if they didn’t have to work for a couple of weeks. Phoebe: Most people don’t like their jobs, I love my job! I have not been working for three hours and I’m already going crazy. I miss Joan. Monica: Honey, having a heart attck is nature’s way of telling you to slow it down. Chandler: I always thought having a heart attck was nature’s way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you’re not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you’re not gonna die today. I wish I was dad. Monica: Let’s take a walk. (They start to leave.) Y’know maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.) Phoebe: (To Ross) So what’s going on with you? Ross: Well umm, I’ve been doing a lot more of my kara-tay. Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with Carol? Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: How long has it been since you had sex? Ross: Well, last weekend… Phoebe: Oh that’s not so bad. Ross: …will be two months… Phoebe: That is. Ross: …since I stopped trying. Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a little. Ross: What-what do you mean? Phoebe: I don’t know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other… Ross: Oh. Phoebe: Y’know, dirty talk, mange-a-tois, toys… Ross: Wow! Phoebe: Roll playing… You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate; she could be the wench! Ross: Okay, I think I got it. Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and you’re-you’re-you’re rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody’s watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened. [Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.] Monica: Sorry. So how’s it going with Joey? Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "I’m with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "I’m lost and I can’t find food." Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right? Monica: Yeah! She’s right in there! (Points to Phoebe’s room.) Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready! [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.] Joey: All right, and over there is Brady’s Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning. Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else? Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man! Rachel: Hey! Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place? Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, y’know, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldn’t. Joey: Why? (In Drake’s voice.) Why can’t the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us? Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isn’t that a line from the show?! Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drake’s voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now. Rachel: That’s a line from the show too! Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV. Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, here’s the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.) Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, there’s pulp in that. (Hands it back.) Chandler: Yeah? Joey: I thought we talked about this. I don’t like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isn’t juice. All juice, okay? Chandler: I’m sorry, I guess I just like the pulp. Joey: Oh my God, I’m sorry, I’m being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it. Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great. Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea. Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir? Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him? Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did. Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) You’re gonna throw that juice at me, aren’t ya? Chandler: It’s not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.) [Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.] Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there. Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms. Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little. Carol: What do you mean? Ross: Carol our sex life is—it’s just not working… Ben: (entering) Dad!! (Runs and hugs him.) Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why don’t we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why don’t you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!! Ben: Yay! (Runs off.) Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life… I was thinking, maybe I don’t know, we could try some-some new things. Y’know? For fun? Carol: Like what? Ross: Well I don’t know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carol’s shocked and obviously doesn’t like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesn’t like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, y’know we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome. Carol: (quickly) I love that idea! [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?! Monica: Oh my God! That’s great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) You’re a published writer! I wish I had a present for you! Chandler: Aww. Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out…) My last Kit-Kat bar! (Chandler tries to take it, but Monica won’t let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesn’t budge.) Chandler: You wanna share it? Monica: Okay!! Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know you’re mad, but I just want to say I’m sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Y’know? I mean, y’know how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise? Monica: It’s not mayonnaise!! Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.) Chandler: What’s this? Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it. Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.) Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics! Joey: Oh my God! That’s great! Congratulations! What’s the story?! Chandler: Oh you wouldn’t uh, care. It’s just a stupid comic book story. Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gng! Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesn’t want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assist—as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can’t have lumps in them. Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? ‘Cause I think I read it! [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls? Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot! Rachel: Ohh! And I’m one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani! Monica: Well, y’know it’s none of my business, but aren’t you married? Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Y’know I just wish we could be like on a break! Monica: Well, you’re not. Rachel: Oh, it’s so easy for you I mean, you’re not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want! Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And don’t think I don’t, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.) Rachel: Monica. You’ve, you’ve done it right? Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, I’m some 30 year old virgin? Rachel: Oh my God! You’re a 30 year old virgin! Monica: Say it louder, I don’t think the guy all the way in the back heard you! Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it. Monica: It’s not like, I haven’t any opportunities. I mean, y’know, I’m just waiting for the perfect guy. I’m seeing this guy Roger, all right? He’s not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Y’know, give him my flower. Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, you’ve waited long enough!! Monica: Y’know what? You are right?! Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn’t be all this rules and restrictions! Y’know, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever… Monica: Rachel! I’m never gonna think it’s okay for you to cheat on your husband! Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin! [Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebe’s room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.] Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?! Phoebe: Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects. Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out! Phoebe: No! It’s not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me! Monica: Put it out!! Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) I’m so glad you’re here. Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it. Phoebe: Oh, give it to me. Ross: I got it! Phoebe: Give it! (He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.) Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she can’t come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.) Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?! Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better. Phoebe: Thank God. Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, she’s fired. [Scene: Rachel and Barry’s bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course it’s a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. It’s set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.] Nurse: You’ve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go. Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady. (He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!) Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.) Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray! Dr. Drake Remoray: That’s right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, you’re not a real doctor! And that woman’s brain, is fine! Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God! [Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.] Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope! Hope: (sleepily) Drake! Dr. Drake Remoray: You’re not dying Hope, you’re gonna live a long, healthy life. With me. Hope: Oh Drake. [Drake and Hope kiss.] Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joey’s phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! It’s Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches. Commercial Break {Transcriber’s Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode 616.} [Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is reading a newspaper on the couch.] Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find… Carol: Ooh, actually I’ve been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this! Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someone’s been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.) Carol: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so… Ross: Oh, I know. (Laughs) Y’know, just-just talking about it is getting me kinda… Carol: Oh, me too. Ross: Yeah? Well, I-I think Ben’s asleep. Carol: Oh umm, y’know I think it would be better if we just save it. Ross: Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.) [Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey, Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey. Ross: Hey, how’s it going? Phoebe: Well, I’ve got to get out of this bed, I’m going crazy here. Crazy! Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie. Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea! Monica: But, I put some honey in it. (Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.) Ross: She doesn’t know she was fired yet, does she? Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kll her. Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?! Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her. Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attck thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job. Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.) Chandler: Listen Phoebe, he’s right. People are not supposed to have heart attcks at 31. Phoebe: I know! But if I didn’t work there, what else would I do? Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar. Phoebe: Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother! Chandler: Uh, what about y’know the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attck. Phoebe: Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump change—ooh, what do I do?! What will I do?! [Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.] Rachel: Ohh, I mean it’s just so realistic! Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. You’ll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat. Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.) Joey: (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do you—ready for a refill? Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldn’t—so I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! It’s like it’s raining! Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if you’re thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldn’t get sucked up into the mechanism, well you’d be wrong. Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom? Joey: It’s uh, right through there. (Points.) Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God y’know, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani’s apartment… Joey: Yeah, life’s pretty great isn’t it? Rachel: Yeah, it sure is! [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.] Monica: I hope you’re hungry, we’re starting with oysters. And y’know what they say about oysters, don’t you? Dr. Roger: They have parasites? Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac. Dr. Roger: What people? Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.) Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh? Monica: And then we’re gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands. Dr. Roger: Y’know, it’s funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases… Monica: No-no-no, no! It’s sensual! Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didn’t know! Okay! Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no! Dr. Roger: I’m sorry sweetie, it’s the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some? Monica: I can’t promise anything. (She starts to dig in.) [Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.] Ross: We’re really gonna do this, huh? Carol: Looks like it. Ross: Y’know, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at… (A knock on the door interrupts him.) Carol: (jumping up to get it) I got it! Ross: Okay. Carol: (opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Who’d you think it was gonna be?) Susan: Hey! (They hug.) Carol: Thank you so much for coming. Susan: Oh, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. (They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.) Ross: I’m-I’m Ross by the way. Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what you’ve done with this space. Carol: Thank you so much. (They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susan’s coat.) Ross: How hot is this?! [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monica’s dinner.] Chandler: I’m sorry you’re here with me instead of Roger. Monica: Yeah, me too. Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like he’s here. (Imitates him.) "Here’s some little known facts about cous-cous. They didn’t add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.) Monica: Stop it!! That’s not funny!! Chandler: Okay. Monica: I’m sorry, okay? It just—tonight was supposed to be y’know, it was supposed to be a big deal. Chandler: What was tonight? Monica: You don’t want to know what tonight was. Chandler: Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight? Monica: Well, tonight was—was going to be my first time. Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God! Monica: All right relax Mr. I’ve Had Sex Four Times! Chandler: Four different women! I’ve had sex way more times! Monica: How many? Chandler: Nine. Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy. Chandler: Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy? Monica: No. He’s not a horrible guy. Chandler: Hey that’s what I tell girls about me. Monica: Chandler, I’m gonna die a virgin! Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you. Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me? Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.) Monica: I was kidding. Chandler: So was I. [Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.] Rachel: Joey, you’re such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins? Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own. Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey—(She falls off the couch)—Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there. Joey: Yeah you did. Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.) Joey: Here you go. Let me ask you a question. Rachel: Yeah? Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are? Rachel: Wow! I can’t, I can’t feel my hands. Joey: Come, come here. (He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.) [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.] Chandler: We can’t do this. Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster? Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, y’know? Because you’ve been waiting a very long time and I wouldn’t want to disappoint you. Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if you’re horrible, how would I know? Chandler: I do like that. Monica: It’s harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with! Chandler: Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right? Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.) Chandler: Stop it! We’re doing this! Let’s do it! Monica: Noo!! Okay!! Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.) Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves? Chandler: I have some moves. Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin’ there?! (Giggles.) Oh y’know what? I’m sorry, this is just too weird. Chandler: Yeah, let’s just forget it. Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.) Chandler: Okay! (She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.) Chandler: Oh yeah. Monica: Chandler? Chandler: (sexily) Yeah? Monica: That’s the couch. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica’s bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.] Chandler: Oh my God! Monica: I know! I’ll tell you something, we are gonna do that again! Chandler: Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.) [Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.] Joey: (entering) Morning! Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right. Joey: Yeah. Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I can’t believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up! Joey: Well he actually saw you a little bit too. Rachel: Noo! Oh God we did—we didn’t, we didn’t uhh… Joey: No! No! No, not after seeing that. Rachel: God I’m just a horrible person. Joey: Wh-why? Rachel: Because I’m married. That’s right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV star’s apartment to have an affair! Uck! Joey: That’s ridiculous! I’m not a "Star," just a regular famous actor. Rachel: Yeah and I’m a horrible, horrible person. Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me… Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah. Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh… (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.) Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?! Joey: Sure! As long as they don’t find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it. Rachel: No! No-no-no… Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, you’ve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didn’t. And that’s what this ring stands for. Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprice’s undying love for her brother. Joey: Look, do you want the ring or not?! Rachel: Yeah! [Scene: Phoebe’s hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.] Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey! Ross: Look at you! You’re up! Joey: All right! Phoebe: I thought I’d try to take a walk. Would you pour me some water? I’ll be back soon. Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You’re not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya? Phoebe: No. I’ve learned my lesson. (She goes out into the hall and when she’s there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.) Phoebe: Let’s go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man who’s holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.) [Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.] Ross: Hey Joe did… Did you ever have a threesome? Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carol’s great and I’m sure you’re a very attractive man, but I…. Ross: No! The reason I’m asking is that… I sorta had one last night. Joey: You? Ross: Yeah! Joey: Wow! Ross: Yeah! Joey: All right! So, was it amazing? Ross: It was, it was okay. Joey: Just okay—Did you do it right?! Ross: Look, it’s just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I weren’t here?" Joey: Huh. But still Ross, you’re worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Y’know what I mean? Ross: Oh-oh, absolutely! (They both laugh.) Ross: It’s just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around. Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right? Ross: Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol. Joey: Not the other one? Ross: No, she kept kicking me away! Joey: Yeah, you don’t want that. Ross: No! Joey: Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right? Ross: Oh I a lot of stuff! Joey: You got a little bored? Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack. Joey: Yeah? What did ya have? Ross: Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard… Joey: Sounds good. Ross: It really was! [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey! Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you! Monica: Hey, check me out, I’m a slut! Chandler: So you uh, want to do something tonight? Monica: Oh I can’t. Dr. Roger is coming over again. Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because you’re still seeing him and uh, he’s a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when… (He fakes falling asleep.) Monica: Are you okay? Chandler: Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you? Monica: Great! It’s so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you I’m all like, "Can the doctor see me now?" Chandler: I bet he can. Monica: Y’know, I don’t have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure you’re okay? Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.) [Scene: Rachel and Barry’s bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.] Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!! Barry: You-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend! Rachel: Oh that’s right! I’m sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!! [Scene: Phoebe’s office, she is arriving without the knowledge that she’s been fired.] Phoebe: Surprise! Look who’s back! Arthur: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Arthur: (To another coworker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didn’t you get fired? Phoebe: Uh, I don’t think so! Jack: Phoebe? Phoebe: Jack!! Hey! Jack: What are you doing here? Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh? Jack: Well, you were fired. Phoebe: Nu-uh! Jack: I told that guy who answered your phone. Phoebe: Oh, okay I didn’t get that message. So this doesn’t count—Anyway, I’ll be in my office. Jack: Uh, Phoebe you-you don’t have an office. Phoebe: That’s all right, I’ll work here. This is goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.) Jack: (approaches her) Phoebe, listen… Phoebe: You’re in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake… Jack: You lost 13 million dollars. Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Y’know it’s bad enough that—Ow! Oh, you have got to be kidding! Jack: Are you all right? Phoebe: I’m having another heart attck! Jack: What?! Phoebe: I’m having another heart attck!! Call 9-1-1!! Jack: Take it easy. (Sits her down.) Phoebe: (to Arthur, he’s the guy calling 9-1-1) Dumbass! Woman: Hey Pheebs! How’s it going?! Phoebe: Well, they fired me and I’m having heart attck. Woman: Wow! Well, welcome back! Phoebe: Yeah. [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.] Rachel: Hi Ross! Ross: Hey Rachel. Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here? Ross: Umm, no. Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that I’m looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up! Ross: That-that’s always good news. Are you okay? Rachel: Me? I’m great! I’m fine! I’m sooo good!! But, you know who’s not great?! Men! You’re a man right Ross?! Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Sit down! Ross: Okay. (He does so.) Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you we’re going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbor’s dog walker?! Ross: We’re sorry. Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage? Ross: Didn’t you spend last night at Joey’s? Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective? Ross: Look I-I don’t know what’s going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that. Rachel: Oh. (Doesn’t believe it.) Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym! Rachel: Who are these men? Ross: Men. I guy I know. Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay. Ross: She is not… (Realizes) She’s gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I can’t believe this. Rachel: Good day for married people huh? Ross: I’m sorry your husband cheated on you. Rachel: I’m sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren’t that great either. Ross: Try telling my wife that. [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blwing out a candle as Chandler enters.] Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in? Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again. Chandler: Yeah I know, guess who beeped him? Monica: What?! Chandler: I’m the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.) Monica: Why would you do that? Chandler: Because you shouldn’t be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was klling me! Look, things like last night they don’t just happen. Y’know? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning y’know I was just lying there and I couldn’t wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always y’know with a friend. Monica: Chandler! Chandler: I know you probably don’t want to go out with me, y’know because I make too many jokes and I’ve never been in a serious relationship and I guess I’m not technically a "doctor…" (Monica runs over and kisses him.) Monica: There was just one woman, wasn’t there? Chandler: No, there were two. Monica: Including me? Chandler: Oh yeah. Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song as the gng looks on.] Phoebe: (singing) It only takes two heart att*cks to finally make you see… One of them won’t do it, but the second one will set you free… Tell all your hate and anger, it’s time to say good-bye… And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die! La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la…… End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x15 - 06x16 - The One That Could Have Been"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Adam Chase Story by: Zachary Rosenblatt Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Joey is working.] Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Chandler: Yeah. Ross: Yeah, what, what was I thinking? Joey: (he’s just picked up their bill) Hey! So, what’s with the 20 percent tip? Did I do something wrong? Chandler: Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip Joe. Joey: Y’know what’s more generous than that?! Fifty percent! Y’know what’s even more generous than that?!! Chandler: I see where you’re goin’! Ross: What’s up with the greed Joe? Joey: All right, look I’m sorry you guys, but it’s just that I gotta get these new head shts made. And they’re really expensive, y’know? I’m down to like three! Well, actually two ‘cause one of ‘em I kinda blackened in some teeth—Why did I do that?! (Hits himself in the head.) Ross: Well isn’t there something you can do to earn a little extra money? I mean, can’t-can’t you pick up, I don’t know, an extra shift here? Phoebe: Or, y’know, I used to beg for money. Of course it helps if you’ve got y’know a little of this (she sticks her chest out and shakes it) goin’ on. Wow! I still have it! Ross: Oh, wait! Wait! Don’t you have an audition today? Yeah! Maybe you’ll get that job! Joey: Oh, ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Wait a minute, I used to get medical experiments down on me all the time! Chandler: (reminiscing) Ah, finally an explanation. Joey: No-no! I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember? Let’s see uh, well I don’t want to donate sperm again. (To Ross) I really prefer doing that at the home office y’know? (Ross nods his head.) Ooh-ooh, maybe they want like some of my blood or-or spit or something, huh? gn: (approaching with a tray with an order on it) Joey! Joey: Yeah? gn: What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you’re working? Joey: Uhh do it? gn: That guy (points) has been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes! He’s complained about you three times! (He hands the coffee cup to Joey, assuming that Joey will deliver it and walks away.) Joey: Well, where was I? (Takes a sip of the coffee.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter wearing workout clothes.] Ross: Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey, what have you guys been up to? Phoebe: Ohh! We went to a self-defense class today! Ross: Wow! Rachel: Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya! Joey: Takes it out of you? (Laughs.) Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody’s ass! Rachel: Yeah! Ross: After one class? I don’t think so. Rachel: What? You wanna see me self-defend myself?! Go over there (points) and pretend you’re a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!! Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attck you know is coming, that’s not enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time, and there’s a concept you should really be familiar with. It’s what the Japanese call (he holds two fingers up to his temple, and he does this every time he says this word) unagi. Rachel: Isn’t that a kind of sushi? Ross: No, it’s a concept! Phoebe: Yeah it is! It is! It’s freshwater eel! Ross: All right, maybe it means that too… Rachel: Ohh! I would kll for a salmon skin roll right now! Ross: Y’know what? Fine! Get attcked! I don’t even care! Phoebe: (deadpan) Come on Ross. We’re sorry. Please tell us what it is. Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you! Phoebe: You mean in case someone is trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish? (Rachel laughs and Ross mocks her.) Ross: (moves closer) All I’m saying is, it’s one thing being prepared for an attck against like each other; whole another story being prepared for an attck, I don’t know, like a (turns and puts his face close to Rachel’s and screams) surprise!! (Rachel calmly wipes the spittle off her face.) Ross: All right, you know that one was coming, but that doesn’t mean you have unagi. (Does the finger thing.) Rachel: (To Phoebe) Ooh! Y’know what? If we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half-hour. Ross: Y’know what… (Moves away as Chandler enters, panicked.) Chandler: Hey-hey, is Monica here? Phoebe: No. Ross: No. Chandler: Okay, look I need your help, I don’t know what to get her for Valentine’s Day. Rachel: Well, Valentine’s Day was like two weeks ago, so I wouldn’t get her a calendar! Chandler: (laughs) She was working on Valentine’s Day so we’re celebrating it tonight. Joey: Ohh, hey! Why don’t you book a date for both of you at one of those romantic spas? Phoebe: Ooh, Joey, that’s actually a really good idea! Joey: And of course, crotchless panties. Chandler: Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend (pause) and her brother, (the camera pans to Ross flashing Joey a very evil look; Joey gets scared) I can’t do that we promised we’d make each other gifts this year. Rachel: Aw, I love that. Phoebe: You guys! Joey: You can’t make crotchless panties? You take, you take a pair of scissors and you just cut… Rachel: (interrupting him) Okay-okay-okay! So, making things. That sounds like so much fun. Chandler: Yeah, I thought so to until I paper mached one of my eyes shut. Phoebe: Oh, I love paper mache! What did you make? Chandler: I made a… (Does one of those gibberish words.) Phoebe: What is that? Chandler: Nothing! Ross: So what are you gonna do? Chandler: Well, have you guys made anything that maybe I can take credit for? Phoebe: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! (She takes out a sock that’s been made into a bunny with eyes, nose, mouth, whiskers, and two other socks sown onto it for ears.) Oh for crying out loud! Rachel: Hey, wait a minute! That is my sock! Phoebe: Now, it’s you little bunny friend. (She sticks it in Rachel’s face and they both laugh.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is desperately trying to make his Valentine’s Day gift. He takes a paper cup, turns it upside down, sticks two pencils into the top, and hangs a coat hanger from the bottom.] Chandler: (admiring his work) This, this actually is a… (Does the same gibberish word from before.) Monica: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question about the Valentine’s Day gifts? Monica: Oh, yeah. Chandler: Do we have to make the entire thing? Monica: Yes! Why, did you—you forget to make yours? Chandler: Of course, of course not. I just have to uh, go over to the place where I-I made it and pick-pick it up. Monica: Okay. (They kiss.) Okay, I can’t wait! This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever! (Chandler giggles and exits.) I can’t believe it! Make the presents! Make the presents! Chandler: (sticking his head back in) What? Monica: I’m just so excited to make the presents! (Chandler does another sarcastic/scared laugh and leaves.) sht! [Scene: A Medical Research Office, Joey is there to sign up for an experiment, any experiment.] Joey: (to the receptionist) Hi uh, I’m Joey Tribbiani and with all do respect I’d like to donate some fluids. Receptionist: We’re actually at the end of one of our research cycles, so we’re not looking for applicants right now. Joey: Oh that’s too bad. I’ve kinda been saving up. (She just looks at him in horror.) Uh, are you sure there’s no studies I can participate in? Receptionist: Well, here’s a schedule of what’s coming up. (Hands it to him.) Joey: Thanks. (Starts to read it.) Well but this one starts now. (Points to one.) Receptionist: Oh that one is available now, but only identical twins are eligible. It’s a twins study. Joey: But it’s $2,000. Receptionist: Sorry. Joey: Well how about this one? Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani on attractive nurse receptionists. Receptionist: We already got the results back on that on, and they’re not good. (Joey beats a hasty retreat.) [Scene: The Hallway between the Apartments, Ross is hiding behind that bump out on Monica’s side waiting for Phoebe and Rachel. As they come up the stairs, he jumps out and yells…] Ross: DANGER!!! DANGER!!!!! (They both scream and jump away.) Phoebe: Ross!!! Rachel: What the hell was that?! Ross: A lesson in the importance of unagi. (He starts doing the finger thing every time now.) Phoebe: Ohh, you’re a freak!! Ross: Perhaps. Now I’m curious, at what point during those girlish screams would you have gn to kick my ass? Rachel: All right, so we weren’t prepared! Ross: I’m sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but I—look, I just want you guys to be safe. (Monica comes out to throw out the garbage and Ross screams…) DANGER!!!!! (She completely ignores him and keeps walking.) Ahhh, huh? Unagi. [Scene: Cole-Geddes Casting Agency, Joey is there on his audition and thinking about that 2,000 bucks for the twins study.] Joey: (in his head) 2,000 bucks is a lot of money. Oh, I wish I had a twin. Where could I find someone who looks exactly like me? (The camera widens its sht to reveal a room full of Joey look-a-likes. Joey looks at the guy next to him and then back at his script.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming in from doing his laundry. He starts folding it as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey. Ross: (not turning around) Chandler. I sensed it was you. Chandler: What?! Ross: Unagi. I’m always aware. Chandler: Okay, are you aware unagi (does the finger thing) is an eel? Ross: What’s up? Chandler: I can’t figure out what to make Monica. Ross: Oh, why don’t you make her one of your little jokes. Chandler: I’m going crazy! Okay? Do you have any thing around here that looks homemade? Ross: Y’know what? She’d-she’d love this. (Picks up a model of the Saturn V rocket, that’s the one that took man to the moon.) Uh, it’s an exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade. Chandler: Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that your love sends me to the moon. Ross: Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didn’t actually land on the moon. But you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely. (Apollo 8 was the first one that orbited the moon and the one that read the Christmas Story from the orbit of the moon on Christmas Eve, 1968. They also took the famous Earthrise picture of the Earth rising over the moon.) Chandler: Wait a minute, I can’t give this to her. Ross: Why not? Chandler: Because it says "Captain Ross" on the side and "I hate Monica" on the bottom. Ross: Oh. (Chandler leaves dejectedly. When the door closes Rachel and Phoebe jump out from behind the curtains and scream…) Phoebe and Rachel: DANGER!!!!! (Ross screams like a little girl.) Rachel: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. (She does the finger thing.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, he’s still trying to figure out what to make Monica.] Chandler: Okay. Okay. (He goes to the closet, moves the clothes out of the way, and notices an empty hanger. He takes the empty hanger and bends it all out of shape. Then he holds it out as if he’s giving it to her.) Yes honey, I made it myself. (He throws it down and goes to her chest, grabs something, goes to the bed table, and takes out a pair of scissors. He turns around and holds the scissors to the crotch of the panties he just removed.) I can’t do it. I can’t do it. (He throws them both down and continues looking. He opens another closet door and finds a tape.) Oh! Oh! A mixed tape! A mixed tape!! (He runs out into the living room.) [Cut to the living room, Chandler is entering as Monica finishes wrapping her present for him on the kitchen table.] Chandler: Hey! Hi! You uh, ready to exchange gifts? Monica: Sure! Okay, you go first. Chandler: Okay, come here! Come here. Monica: Okay! (She takes her present for him and they move over to sit on the couch.) Chandler: Now, it’s not wrapped because I just, just finished it. Monica: Okay. Chandler: But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs. Monica: Oh, what a great gift! Is The Way You Look Tonight on it?! Chandler: (momentarily terrified) Maybe we’ll have to listen and see! Monica: Oh, I love it! Thank you so much! Chandler: Okay! Monica: Okay, you ready to open yours? Chandler: Yeah! Monica: Okay. (He opens his present to find Phoebe’s sock bunny from earlier.) Chandler: It’s a sock bunny. Monica: Yeah-yeah, you remember how I call you bunny? Chandler: Not really. Monica: Well, I did one time, and-and I want to start doing it more. See that’s what this is about. Chandler: I see. Y’know umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies. Monica: No! No, she doesn’t. Uh Phoebe, what she makes—that’s uh—they’re sock rabbits. They are completely different—Okay! Okay! Okay! I didn’t make it! I’m sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that we’re supposed to make the presents! Chandler: Oh, it’s okay. I don’t… Monica: No-no, it’s not okay! It’s not! I mean you were just… You’re so incredible! You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me! Y’know I’m just gonna—I, I am gonna make this up to you! I will! I-I am going to cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and I am going to do anything you want in there! (Points to the bedroom.) Chandler: (thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape. (They both run into the bedroom.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are relaxing in sexual bliss.] Chandler: Wow! (To the sock bunny still on his hand.) You are way to young to have seen that! Monica: Oops! (Covers its eyes.) Y’know, your birthday is in a month-and-a-half, what do you say I forget to get you a present for that too? Chandler: You are totally and completely 100% forgiven. Monica: We have got to wash that! (Referring to the sock bunny.) Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it off his hand and throws it behind the night-stand.) Monica: Do you remember that jacket that you love so much, that you thought was too expensive? Chandler: You have done enough! Monica: I wanna wake up early and go get it for you! Chandler: No you don’t—get it in black, not brown. (The oven dings.) Monica: Oop, your cake is ready! Chandler: Oop! (They both get out of bed and go get some cake.) Chandler: Well, it’s like that old saying, have some sex, eat some cake. (As they approach the kitchen, the door opens and in walks in a Joey look-a-like.) Joey's Look-A-Like: Hey Mon! Hey Chann! (He goes to the fridge) Just gettin’ a soda! (Does so.) Monica: Who the hell are you?! Joey's Look-A-Like: I’m Joey! How are you doin’?! Joey: (entering) No! No! No! No! No! How you doin’?! How you doin’—Damnit Carl! Go wait in the hall! (Goes into the hall.) Joey: Look, I got to apologize on the behalf of Carl. Chandler: Who the hell is Carl?! Joey: Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project. Chandler: Y’know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren’t they? Joey: Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it might work. Y’know? The only problem is, Carl’s acting is… (Does the international hand symbol for so-so.) Monica: The only problem! Joey: Yeah, he’s the reason I didn’t get that big Minute Maid commercial a couple of years ago remember? We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed it up. Carl: (sticking his head back in) Hey, uh can I get a little piece of that cake? Joey: (to Carl) Pizza!! We like Pizza!! Get out!!! (Carl does so.) [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are returning.] Phoebe: Pat Sajak? Rachel: Yep! Phoebe: Alex Trebek? Rachel: Oh, of course! Phoebe: Chuck Woolery? Rachel: Definitely! Phoebe, you will not find a single game show host, who’s ass I cannot kick. (They start to walk into the living room and notice someone’s head sticking up from behind a chair. The camera cuts to the other side and we see it’s Ross.) [Time lapse. The girls have Ross pinned face down. Phoebe is sitting on his back and arms while holding his head down and facing Rachel. Rachel is sitting on his knees and holding his lower legs vertically, causing Ross pain.] Rachel: Say it! Phoebe: Say we are unagi! Ross: It’s not something you are! It’s something you have! Rachel: Say it! Ross: Y’know what? I can easily get out of this, but there is a chance you can get very, very hurt! (Rachel yanks on his legs again and he groans in pain.) [Scene: The Medical Research office, Joey is there with Carl in the waiting room. Two identical twins come out and both wave by at the same time.] Joey: All right Carl, we’re next. Now remember, what is not gonna be? Carl: Another Minute Maid fiasco. Joey: That’s right! And what are you not gonna do? Carl: Well, I’m not gonna talk because… Joey: (gets very angry) Damnit Carl! (Carl goes to say something more, and Joey silences him with a grunt.) The Doctor: (entering) (To the receptionist) Can I have the next one please? (Takes the form.) Joey and Tony Tribbiani. (Joey and Carl stand up.) Joey: That’s us. The Doctor: (seeing they’re not identical) But uh, this is a study for identical twins. Joey: That’s right, $2,000. The Doctor: But, you’re not identical twins. Joey: Damnit Carl! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is getting ready for Chandler’s arrival. He enters and finds the place lit with candles and dinner on the table.] Chandler: Oh my good God. Monica: Hey! Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals. Tonight, No. 3, macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs. Chandler: Look, you have done enough! Okay? You have to stop this now. Monica: I will! But not tonight. For dinner music, I thought we could listen to that tape you made me. Chandler: Oh, the mixed tape. (Monica pushes play and The Way You Look Tonight starts to play.) Monica: The Way You Look Tonight is on here! Dance with me? (He hesitates, then goes over to dance with her.) Monica: You are just the sweetest. (They kiss.) (Suddenly, a strange and familiar voice comes out of the tape player. Here’s a hint, OH…MY…GAWD!! That’s right, it’s Janice!) Janice: I love the way you look every night Chandler! (Monica breaks the kiss and Chandler freezes in terror.) That’s why I made you this tape! Happy Birthday! Love Janice! Chandler: No! You’re the sweetest! (He tries to kiss her but Monica backs away with a look that could kll on her face.) [Scene: A women’s self-defense class, the instructor is just finishing a class.] The Instructor: Okay ladies, that ends today’s class, and let’s remember, let’s be safe out there. (The women all clap and start to leave as Ross comes up to the instructor. Apparently he was hiding in the back.) Ross: It’s a great class. The Instructor: Thanks. Ross: Yeah, yeah, I was watching. (The instructor just nods and walks away.) Umm, hey, a couple of questions though. Umm, about that-that-that last move where the woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what-what-what-what would you do next? The Instructor: Well, she would take her keys and try to jam them… Ross: No. No-no. No. What would you do next? The Instructor: Who? Me the attacker? Ross: Yes that’s right. The Instructor: Why? Ross: I tired attacking two women, did not work. The Instructor: What?! Ross: No, I mean it’s okay, I mean, they’re-they’re my friends. In fact, I-I-I was married to one of them. The Instructor: Let me get this straight man, you attcked your ex-wife?! Ross: Oh, no! No-no! No, I tired! But I couldn’t. That’s why I’m here. Maybe we could attck them together? (He glares at him.) That-that’s a no. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is trying to explain himself to Monica.] Chandler: I am so, so, so, so sorry! Monica: (not buying it) Uh-huh. Chandler: And I will cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and do anything in there! (Points to the bedroom.) Monica: (pointing to the kitchen) Yeah you will! (Points to the bedroom) And, are you kiddin’ me?! Chandler: Come on Monica, it’s our Valentine’s Day. Please? Please-please, please? Monica: Okay. Chandler: Okay. (They hug.) Janice’s Voice: (singing) My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine! You make me high over my heart! (Monica breaks the hug and starts for the bedroom.) Chandler: So, are we going in there? Monica: I am!! (Enter her room and closes the door behind her.) Janice’s Voice: (singing) You’re look for laughable…(She does the now patented Janice laugh.) Ending Credits [Scene: The street in front of Central Perk, Ross is walking up and sees two women that look like Phoebe and Rachel from behind.] Ross: Ah-ha, nowhere to run! (He starts to run towards them.) [Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting up by the window because two guys have their couch.] Rachel: I don’t like sitting up here! I’m just gonna over… (She starts to get up.) Phoebe: (stopping her) No Rachel! They got here first! (Ross appears at the window behind them crouched behind a garbage can and ready to spring his attck on who he thinks are Phoebe and Rachel. The camera cuts to the exterior view and Phoebe and Rachel call the shts from inside.) Phoebe: Why is Ross doing that? Ross: DANGER!!!! Rachel: Oh my God! Why is he jumping on those women! Phoebe: We should help him! Rachel: I… Well, I don’t think they need any help. (Ross starts to scream and run away. He stops in front of the window of Central Perk to check the pursuit and notices Phoebe and Rachel inside looking at him. He mouths, "What?" Then realizes that the women he att*cked are closing in so he screams and runs away.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x17 - The One With The Unagi"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are there as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! I just got uh, my teacher evaluations! Check out what this one student wrote, "I loved Dr. Geller’s class. Mind blwing lectures! Dr. Geller, you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department!" Chandler: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there’s a big selling calendar, eh? Rachel: Who wrote it? Ross: Oh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous. Joey: Oh hey, do you still have their final exams? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Oh, ‘cause you can just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting and boom, there’s your admirer. (Ross is stunned.) Chandler: A hot girl’s at stake and all of the sudden he’s Rain Man. Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, why are we so sure that this is a girl? Ross: It’s a girl! Anyway, it wou—it wouldn’t matter. Okay? Because I’m a teacher and she’s a student. Chandler: Oh, is that against the rules? Ross: No, but it is frowned upon. Chandler: I see. Ross: Besides, there’s a big age difference. Joey: Oh, well think of it like this, when you’re 90… Ross: I know when I’m 90 she’ll be like 80 and it won’t seem like such a big difference. Joey: No that’s not what I was going to say at all. No, what I was going to say is when you’re 90 you’ll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are eating breakfast as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey Chandler! Y’know that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director? Chandler: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class. Phoebe: What’s a Movement class? Monica: It’s Chandler’s way of pretending he didn’t take mime. Joey: Oh well listen, anyway she’s directing the new Al Pacino movie. You gotta get me an audition! Chandler: Oh, I don’t know man. I haven’t talked to her in like ten years. Joey: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much! Chandler: You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred… Joey: Hey-hey dude, why are you changing the subject? Why? Will you make the call or what? Chandler: Oh okay, I’ll-I’ll try. Joey: All right! Thanks! You’re the best! Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday? Chandler: Yeah so, Tuesday? Joey: (angrily) Thursday! Look if you need help remembering think of like this, the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?! Chandler: (sarcastically) Thank you. Joey: Okay. Rachel: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Mon? I’m gonna check my messages. Chandler: You just thought of that in there? Monica: Yeah sure, nature called, she wanted to see who else did. (Rachel dials her number.) Rachel: (on phone) Hello? (Shocked that someone answered.) Uh, Rachel. (To the gng.) Great, someone is in our apartment. Call the cops! Monica: You’re on the phone! Rachel: (on phone) Oh my God! Oh my God! Thank you! (Hangs up) That was the fre department, there was a fre at our place! Phoebe: Oh my God! How bad was it? Rachel: Well, he didn’t say, but it was a fre. I’m guessing not very good. Come on, we gotta go! Monica: Come on! (The girls all run out and Joey holds up Chandler by smiling.) Chandler: What are you smiling about? What is so funny? Joey: The part I want to audition for is a fireman, this is so meant to be! [Scene: N.Y.U. Paleontology department, Ross is putting up the grades on the message board.] Burt: (another professor) Wow! It looks like you were very generous with your grades this semester! (Ross frantically starts to change some as a female student, Elizabeth, approaches.) Elizabeth: Professor Geller? Ross: (startled) Yeah? Elizabeth: I wanted to say how much I enjoyed your class. Ross: Oh thank you. Thanks very much. (Leans up against the board and on a thumbtack.) Ow! (He pulls away.) Elizabeth: Uh, I’m a little embarrassed about calling you a hottie on my evaluation… Ross: That was you? Elizabeth: Yeah. I felt a little weird about it. You’re a teacher. I’m a student. But would you maybe want to go out with me sometime? Ross: Oh I, I don’t-I don’t think that would be the best idea. Elizabeth: Oh, because I was thinking, the semester’s over; you’re not my teacher anymore. Ross: What time? Elizabeth: (checks her grade) Oh, y’know what? Forget it, you already gave me an A. Ross: Gotcha. (Starts to leave.) Elizabeth: I’m kidding! Ross: Oh! So-so seriously, what time? [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, everyone minus Ross are arriving to inspect the damage. The fre department is still there.] Phoebe: Coming through! (Has to dodge a fireman) Oh! Coming through! (Sees a cute one.) Oh! Hello! Hi! (Smiles then realizes) No! Right! Coming through! (They start to look around seeing that the living room is undamaged.) Monica: Oh well, it’s not so bad. Fireman #1: Yeah, most of the damage is pretty mostly contained in the bedrooms. Phoebe: Oh! Rachel: My God! (They both run into the bedrooms.) Joey: (to the fireman) Hey buddy, do you think I can borrow your uniform this Thursday? Fireman #1: Excuse me? Monica: Joey! He’s working! (To Chandler) You would look good in that. (Phoebe and Rachel return) Joey: Oh, how bad is it? Phoebe: Oh, it’s bad. It’s really bad. The only thing in there that isn’t brned is an ass. Which I do not remember buying! Chandler: How’s your room Rach? Rachel: Everything’s ruined. My bed. My clothes. Look at my favorite blue sweater. (Hold it up.) Monica: Isn’t that mine? Rachel: Fine! I’m sorry for your loss! (Hands it back to her.) Fireman #1: So uh, you’re not gonna be able to live here for a while, you ladies have a place to stay? Rachel: (stands up) Wow! Oh-okay, look pal, I am not in the mood to be ht on right now! But if you give me your number I will call you some other time. Monica: (pulling Rachel back down) Yes, they can stay with us. Chandler: Have you figured out what started the fre Mr. Fireman? Fireman #1: Well uh, do either of you smoke? Phoebe: No, not usually. But yeah, I could use one right now. Fireman #1: No-no-no, do you uh light candles? Burn incense? Phoebe: Yes! I do! All the time! I love them! Oh my God! I did it! It’s me! It’s me! I brned down the house! I brned down the house! Rachel: Okay Phoebe calm down, there’s no need to place blame. Okay? (To the fireman) I warned her about those candles. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is on the phone as Joey enters.] Chandler: God, it’s great to catch up! I can’t believe how long it’s been! Joey: Chandler, is that… (Mimes someone using a movie camera and Chandler nods yes.) Chandler: (on phone) Oh that’s great! Good for you. Joey: Hey-hey listen… (Chandler waves him away.) Chandler: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm… (Joey mimes throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold for one second please? (To Joey) What?! Joey: When you’re off the phone, do you wanna get a pizza? Chandler: (on phone) Hi! I’m back. (Goes to hang up the phone.) Yeah, that sounds great. (Listens) Okay. Well, we’ll do it then. (Listens) Okay, bye-bye. (He hangs up the phone and turns around to see Joey standing close to him and screams.) Joey: Hey listen, so when’s-when’s my audition? I mean I know it’s Thursday, but what time? (Monica enters.) Chandler: Hi. Monica: Hey! Chandler: (To Joey) We didn’t get to the audition. I’m gonna take her to coffee and then we’ll do it then. Joey: Ah-ha! Monica: Wow! So, now you’re going on a date with this girl? Chandler: Honey, it is not a date! I haven’t talked to her in ten years! You can’t just call up somebody you haven’t talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, y’know? You gotta, you got to put in some time. Monica: You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s not like you’re y’know, going out with an ex-girlfriend. Chandler: No, we only went out once. Monica: You dated her! Chandler: Not once! Monica: All right, well why don’t I go out with an ex-boyfriend and do Joey a favor?! Joey: Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe you go out with Joey. (He turns around to see Chandler glaring at him.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is having coffee with Dana.] Chandler: (laughs) Oh that’s great, my friend Joey’s in the movie business. Dana: Y’know who I ran into from school? Howie. Chandler: (giggles) My friend’s name is Joey. Dana: Apparently Howie’s editing now. Yeah, he-he-he calls me up and asks me if he can edit my new movie. Can you believe that?! Y’know I-I-I haven’t spoken to him in like ten years and he asks me for a favor! Chandler: Yeah, I’ve always hated that Howie. Dana: No, no "How you doing?" Man, I mean not even a cup of coffee first! Chandler: The nerve huh? Dana: Yeah! Chandler: Refill? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is about to debut Hotel Monica (formerly known as Rachel’s Room) to Phoebe and Rachel.] Monica: Now, this is last minute so I want to apologize for the mess. Okay? (They walk into a completely redecorated and repainted room. And of course, the room is immaculate. Only an obsessive-compulsive like Monica could find fault with the room.) Rachel: Oh my God! It sure didn’t look this way when I lived here. Monica: I know! Now look, there’s only one problem though. There’s only room for one, so I guess one of you will have to stay at Joey’s. Phoebe: Well, since the fre was kinda my fault I guess (To Rachel) you should get to stay here. Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey, now this was no one’s fault Pheebs. Okay? It was an accident. Phoebe: Well no, it was my fault so you should get the nice room. Rachel: Okay! (She jumps on the bed.) Monica: So Rach! You’re the first guest at Hotel Monica! Umm, you’ll just have to tell me how you like your eggs in the morning. And I thought I would bring them to you, y’know, in bed. Oh, you have been through so much. Rachel: I have. [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is showing Phoebe around.] Joey: This right here is where I keep the pizza. (He points to the chair.) And uh that’s where the napkin is. (Points to the floor next to the chair.) Phoebe: What’s that smell? Joey: I know! (Shrugs his shoulders.) [Scene: A street, Ross is walking with Elizabeth on their date.] Elizabeth: Oh please! It was such a big class! You never even noticed me! Ross: What? Of course I did! You uh, you sat next to Sleepy Sleeperson. Elizabeth: Who? Ross: Oh uh, I had trouble remembering everyone’s name, so I-I kinda came up with nicknames. Like the guy on the other side of you was Smelly von Brownshirt. Elizabeth: Oh yeah. So umm, did you have a nickname for me? Ross: Umm, no. No. Elizabeth: Yes you did! What was it? Ross: Umm, it’s Cutie McPretty. Elizabeth: Ohh that’s so sweet! Ross: Listen, I gotta tell ya, I-I’m having a great time! Y’know how before you said it might be weird, the whole student teacher thing, and to be frank I thought it would be too, but it’s not. I mean it’s not at all. Burt: (exiting from a restaurant) Dr. Geller! Ross: (pushing Elizabeth into a doorway) Burt! [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are cleaning up the mess.] Phoebe: So did you sleep well last night? Rachel: I did. Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: I did, Monica was so sweet she left a little mint on my pillow. Phoebe: Y’know what Joey left on my pillow? Rachel: What? Phoebe: Gum! Fireman #2: Well, we determined the cause of the fre. Phoebe: Yeah I know, it was my candle. My candle! Fireman #2: No, there was an appliance left on in the bathroom. It’s looks like a curling iron. Phoebe: I don’t use a curling iron. Fireman #2: Well someone does. (Phoebe looks at Rachel.) Rachel: Well, don’t look at me! My hair’s straight! Straight! Straight! Straight! Fireman #2: It could’ve been a hair straightener. Rachel: Oh. [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is now showing Rachel around.] Joey: This is where I keep the pizza. (It’s the same location as before.) And—Hey! Where did the napkin go?! (The napkin is not in it’s spot.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is reading and Monica runs over and turns on the lamp behind Phoebe.] Monica: Now there you go! I wouldn’t want my best guest to strain her eyes! Phoebe: Thanks Monica! Monica: Does that smell bother you? Phoebe: What the smell from Joey’s? No, I can hardly smell it over here. Monica: Well you let me know if you can, because y’know I can bake a pie to cover it. Phoebe: I can smell it a little, bake the pie. Monica: Okay! Phoebe: Okay. (The phone rings and Monica answers it.) Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh yes, one minute please. (To Phoebe) It’s for you. It’s the fre inspector. Phoebe: Oh! (Takes the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Yeah this is Phoebe. (Listens) Really?! [Cut to Joey’s, he’s on the phone.] Joey: (in a funny voice) Yeah, so it turns out that it wasn’t the hair straightener that started the fre. (Rachel prompts him on what to say next.) No-no, it was the candles. It’s very not good leaving candles unattended. In fact, one of the first things they teach you in fre school is… (Phoebe suddenly enters.) Uhh… Uhh… Okay. Well, I have to go now. (Phoebe leaves.) [Scene: Joey's apartment, Ross is telling Monica and Joey about his date with Elizabeth.] Ross: We had such a great time! She’s-she’s incredible! I thought the-the age difference might be a problem, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all. Elizabeth is very mature for her age. (Joey makes the international sign for big boobies.) (To Monica) A concept lost on some people! Monica: So it’s okay to date a student. Ross: Well, not really. I mean technically it’s-it’s not against the rules or anything, but it is frowned upon. Especially by that professor we ran into last night, Judgey von Holierthanthou. Monica: Well Ross, you be careful now. You don’t want to get a reputation as y’know Professor McNailshisstudents. Ross: Yeah. What-what should I do? Joey: Well Ross, it seems pretty clear. I mean what’s more important? What people think or how you feel, huh? Ross, you gotta follow your heart. Monica: Joey that is so sweet. (He turns his back to Monica and does the international sign for big boobies again.) Chandler: (entering) Hey. Joey: Hey-hey-hey! So, how did it go with Dana? Any reason I should leave a block of time open say Thursday? Chandler: I couldn’t do it. Joey: You couldn’t do it?! Chandler: Hey, relax I just need more time. We’re going to dinner tonight. Monica: What?! You’re going out with her again! Ross: Going out with who? Chandler: Uh, Dana Keystone from college. Ross: Oh yeah! Wasn’t she uh… (Does the international sign for big boobies.) Chandler: No, that was Dana Caplin. The Guys: Ohhhh! (They all look up in a moment of reflection.) Monica: Joey! You didn’t even know her! Joey: Ah whatever! [Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler is having dinner with Dana.] Chandler: Great story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo! Dana: Y’know uh, actually I-I-I should get going. Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you-you should stay! Dana: Wow. Oh, I am really flattered, but I just I don’t feel that way about you. Chandler: Oh no-no-no, that’s not—No-no-no! Dana: I’m sorry Chandler, y’know you are such a sweet guy and I, I don’t want to hurt you. Oh, I wish there was something I can do to make you feel better. Chandler: No-no—Really?! Dana: Of course! Chandler: (breaking up) Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh… Dana: Ohh, I’m sorry. Chandler: Well maybe there is one thing you can do. Dana: What?! Anything! Anything! Chandler: Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I have this friend. This actor friend and he would kll me if he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on Thursday? Dana: Absolutely! But you-you would really feel better about me rejecting you if your actor friend can audition for my movie? Chandler: Well, the heart wants what it wants. I’ll see you later. (He runs off and leaves her with the bill, which the waiter promptly delivers.) [Scene: Hotel Monica, Phoebe is on the bed playing her guitar as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey! How’s it goin’? Phoebe: Well, not much has changed in the last five minutes. Monica: Yes it has! I made cookies! Phoebe: Oh that’s all right. I’m still full from your homemade potato chips. Monica: But you should eat them now because they’re hot from the oven. Phoebe: Okay. (Reaches for one.) Monica: (pulling the plate back) Oh-ho! But not in here! Can’t eat ‘em in bed, remember? No crumbies! Phoebe: (gritting her teeth) Okay, I’ll be out in a second. Monica: Okay! (Monica leaves and Phoebe closes the door behind her and tries to lock it.) Monica: (opening the door) What are you doing? Phoebe: That doesn’t lock does it? [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.] Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry! Joey: No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it. Rachel: Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain! Joey: Rach! Hey! It’s fine! You’re at Joey’s! Rachel: Really? Joey: Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.) Rachel: I’ve never lived like this before. Joey: I know. (Rachel throws some of hers down.) Joey: All right, don’t waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and eats it.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Elizabeth are deciding what to do on their second date.] Ross: What do you want to do now? Huh? You wanna go get a drink? Elizabeth: Uhh, I can’t. Ross: Oh, you have some studying to do? Elizabeth: No, I have some turning 21 to do. Ross: Y’know I remember when uh, when I was in college, we used to… (He sees some of his colleagues enter and puts his head on her lap.) Elizabeth: What are you doing? Ross: Nothing, I’m-I’m just, I’m so comfortable with you! Elizabeth: Do you not want to be seen with me? Ross: What? No! Of course, of course I do! Are-are they gone? Elizabeth: Uh no, they’re still here but I think I’m about to leave. Ross: What?! No! No! Wait! You’re right, this is stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, I mean we like each other right? There’s nothing wrong with that. Come on. (They get up and go over to the table where his colleagues are sitting.) Burt? Lydia? Mel? This is Elizabeth. Elizabeth: Hi! Lydia: Aren’t you in my Popular Culture class? Ross: That’s right Lydia, Elizabeth here is a student and uh, we’re dating. And you may frown upon that, but we’re not gonna hide it anymore. Mel: You are so fired. Ross: What? Burt: They’re gonna fre you! You can’t date a student! It’s against the rules. Ross: Really? Its not just frowned upon? [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are throwing huge spitballs at the entertainment center.] Rachel: I love it at Joey’s! Joey: Hey, here you go. (Hands her another one.) Chandler: (entering, sees Rachel’s throw) Ni-hi-ice! Rachel: Thanks! Chandler: (To Joey) So, you busy Thursday? Joey: Oh, very funny. I don’t know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. (Chandler doesn’t say anything until Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?! Let’s hug it up! (They hug.) Chandler: Okay. Okay. (Joey puts him down.) What are you gonna do to me if you get the part? Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Hi! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: (To Rachel) Listen umm, yeah okay, I need to talk to you! Rachel: Uh-huh. Phoebe: Now I know that they said that the umm, the hair straightener started the f*re but I think I’m partly at fault. You see, I didn’t, I didn’t tell you but umm, but I-I had recently refilled the tissues and so y’know let’s just face it, that’s just kindling! So I think it’s better that I stay at Joey’s. Rachel: No, no-no-no. Phoebe, this was my fault and besides y’know what? I’m fine here. Phoebe: Okay. Oh umm, Chandler, Monica is looking for you. Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Yeah she said something about crumbies. Chandler: No! No! No! I was so careful! (Runs out.) Phoebe: (To Rachel) Okay, you have to switch with me! Monica is driving me crazy! Joey: That’s right, all the ladies want to stay at Joey’s. Rachel: No! No! Phoebe, come on! I don’t want to switch! Please come on! I can throw wet paper towels here! Phoebe: No but at Monica’s you can eat cookies over the sink! Rachel: I know. I’m sorry. Phoebe: All right fine! This looks like so much fun. (Examining the bowl of wet paper towels.) Joey: Yeah. Phoebe: God, what a mess. (She grabs the bowl and heads for Monica’s.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is looking at his handbook. Elizabeth is also there.] Ross: Wow! It actually is in the handbook. I can’t date you or have a hot plate in my office. I can’t believe we have to stop seeing each other. Elizabeth: For what it’s worth I did appreciate you standing up for me. It felt really nice. It kinda made me like you even more. Ross: I know, I know I really like you too. But we-we can’t date. It’s against the rules. It’s forbidden. Elizabeth: Wow! Ross: What? Elizabeth: Just hearing you describe it as forbidden, it’s really hot. Ross: Really? Elizabeth: Yeah. Ross: Well I-I-I don’t care how hot it is it’s-it’s uh, it’s wrong. Elizabeth: Stop it! (She starts to get all worked up.) Ross: (feeling it too) No! No! It’s wrong! It’s-it’s-it’s naughty. It’s taboo. Elizabeth: Shut the book! (They frantically start making out.) Ross: Let’s also get a hot plate! (They start making out again.) Ending Credits [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is eating pizza as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: So?! Joey: So? Chandler: It’s Thursday! How was the audition?! Joey: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs—(He gasps in horror.) Oh! (Runs out and Chandler just shakes his head. After a second Joey runs back in to grab a piece of pizza and runs back out.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x18 - The One Where Ross Dates A Student"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein Story by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Joey and now Rachel's apartment, Joey has the fridge pulled out away from the wall and is in the process of pulling off the cooling grate behind it.] Joey: Well that thing is clearing in the way! All right. Ah-ha! (He grabs a screwdriver and starts to attck the compressor, only he causes a small short circuit and shocks himself.) Ah-ah!! Damn fridge! (Rachel enters from her new room.) Rachel: Hi Joey, how ya doin’? Joey: Great! Roomie! Rachel: Huh, yeah I guess we are roommates now. Joey: Yeah! Well, now that you brought it up, our fridge is broken. We have to get a new one. Now, I checked around and your half is $400. Thanks a lot. Rachel: I’m not paying for half of that! I’m only staying here until my apartment gets fixed. Joey: Look Rach, my parents bought this fridge just after I was born, okay? Now, I have never had a problem with it. Then you show up and it breaks! What does that tell ya’? Rachel: That refrigerators don’t live as long as people. Joey: All right, now you know that the ATM will only lets you take out 300 at a time, I’ll take a check for the other hundred. Rachel: You’re jokin’ right? Joey: Of course I’m jokin’! I don’t take checks. Rachel: Thank God you’re pretty. (Exits.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hey! All: Hi! Hey! Rachel: Do you guys know any cute guys? Chandler: Well, of course I do! My good friend Joey over here. (Pats Joey’s arm, Joey pats Chandler’s shoulder, and Chandler motions for Joey to say the same about him.) Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. Thank you Chandler. Rachel: Anyway, there’s this big charity ball this weekend and Ralph Lauren bought a table, so I kinda have to go… Monica: What’s the charity? Rachel: I don’t know, something either trees or disease—Ralph mumbles a lot. Monica: Does Ralph mumble when you’re not paying attention? Rachel: Yeah! It’s weird. But the thing is need to find a date. Phoebe: Well, what kind of guy are you looking for? Rachel: Well, someone that has his own tux, or has the ability to rent a tux. Chandler: So he has to be a male who has at least $50. Joey: Ooh! So close. (Ross and Elizabeth enter.) Ross: Hey everybody! All: Hi! Ross: Hey uh, this is Elizabeth. Elizabeth: Oh hi! All: Hi! Elizabeth: I’m the student. Chandler: (laughs) Isn’t she cute? (On Monica’s death stare) No! Phoebe: Y’know, this is probably none of my business, but weren’t you guys supposed to not be seen in public together? Elizabeth: Oh, we’re not together. Ross: Oh no-no-no, we’re just two people who happen to run into each other here at the coffee house. (He winks at her.) Phoebe: Oh, sly. Elizabeth: Well, I really wanted to meet you guys, but I have to run. I’ll see you later? All: Okay! Elizabeth: Bye Ross. Ross: Bye. (They kiss.) Elizabeth: Oops! I did not mean to run into you like that sir. Ross: Oh that is quite all right ma’am. (Elizabeth exits.) Chandler: So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do? Ross: Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow. Chandler: Oh, tell her good luck with that. Ross: Anyone else? Huh? Bring ‘em on! Rachel: Oo! When’s her birthday?! Ross: I don’t know Rachel, why? Rachel: Well, y’know it’s just been so long since I’ve been to Chuckie Cheese. Monica: Oh, I like Elizabeth. Ross: Well thanks! Monica: Yeah. In fact, I like her so much you tell her I want my cookies early this year! Y’know, a box of Thin Mints and some Tag-a-Longs. Joey: Hey-hey come on you guys, give him a break. Ross, seriously, how’s it going with her? Ross: Well, actually it’s been great. She’s 20 so she’s not looking for anything too serious, which is perfect for me right now. Monica: Well that is great. And seriously, she seems very nice. Ross: Thanks. I know you guys like to give me a hard time and all, but it really means a lot to me that you like her. Just knowing that you guys are… Phoebe: (interrupting) Okay, I got a good one. Okay, umm, what is she? Like 12? [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the table and Monica is doing something in the kitchen.] Monica: Chandler, do you think we talk about our relationship enough? Chandler: Yeah. Do we have any Fruit Roll-Ups? Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Okay, I just thought of the perfect guy for Rachel to take to her thing. Chandler: Oh that’s so funny because we found someone too. Phoebe: Oh that’s good, I guess she’ll have a choice between my guy and your weirdo. Chandler: Why would our guy be a weirdo? Phoebe: ‘Cause that’s just your taste. Monica: (laughs sarcastically) Rachel is not going to pick your stupid guy. Phoebe: Oh yeah? Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: My guy is a lawyer who has volunteer work. And, he has one of these (She squeezes the skin on her chin together to form…) Chandler: A face ass? Phoebe: A chin dimple! Monica: Well, uh y’know, our guy works with Chandler and he’s really nice and smart and he’s a great dresser! Phoebe: Have you seen your guy’s body? Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head. Phoebe: Well my guy is spectacular. Okay? He’s a massage client and one time umm, when he was on the table, I looked at it. And I mean all of it. Monica: You’re not supposed to look! Phoebe: Oh yeah, like there are police for that! Chandler: (horrified) Wait! You look? You-you massaged me. Phoebe: I know. (Laughs.) Monica: All right fine, your guy may have a great body, but our guy is really funny. Phoebe: Oh, Chandler funny? Monica: Our guy’s a great dancer! Phoebe: My guy is well read. Chandler: Our guy has great hair. Phoebe: My guy has great teeth! Chandler: Our guy smells incredible. Monica: (To Chandler) Do you want our guy to be your guy? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from the fridge. Joey isn’t doing all that well.] Chandler: Hey. Joey: Huh. Chandler: Well, you…don’t look good Joe. Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar? Chandler: That’s still in there?! Joey: Not anymore. So anyway, how do you want to pay me? Chandler: Is this a service you’re providing me? Joey: No! No! No! For my new fridge—our new fridge! Chandler: Our new fridge? I don’t live here anymore. Joey: So what? Look, suppose we were a divorced couple. Chandler: Uh-huh. Joey: And I got custody of the kid, right? Now suppose the kid dies and-and I gotta buy a new kid. Chandler: (not quite sure where Joey’s going and is a little worried) Okay… Joey: (pause) Give me $400! [Scene: Ross’s office, he’s unlocking his office door as Elizabeth walks up.] Elizabeth: Professor Geller? Ross: Hmm? (Turns around and sees that its Elizabeth) Oh, a student I don’t know. Elizabeth: I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment? Ross: Yes, yes of course, what-what would this be regarding? Elizabeth: Making out in your office. Ross: Shh! (Laughs then composes himself) Of course, why don’t we go inside? (They go inside and Ross closes the door. When he turns around Elizabeth walks up to him, pushes him back against the door, and starts kissing him.) Ross: Oh-ooh! Elizabeth: What? Ross: Doorknob! Doorknob! Elizabeth: Oh! Sorry! Umm, I actually do need to talk to you. Ross: Oh, okay. What-what about? Elizabeth: Spring vacation. Ross: Spring vacation. Elizabeth: Yeah, we have time off and a lot of people are going on trips… (Another professor barges in.) Professor Feesen: Professor Geller! Ross: (quickly jumping away from Elizabeth) Yes, professor Feesen-sen-stenlger… I’ll be with you in one moment. (To Elizabeth) So, I will take one box of the Thin Mints. (And he ushers Elizabeth out of the office.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Ross, Chandler, and Joey are entering.] Ross: You don’t understand! Elizabeth was about to ask me to go on a trip with her! Is that taking it slow?! No, I’m not ready for this! Okay? What-what do I tell her? Chandler: Just tell her the truth! Tell her you’re not ready. Ross: I can do that. Oh-oh, what if she gets upset? Chandler: Then you distract her with a Barbie doll. Joey: Or! You can just, y’know… (He walks up close to whisper in Ross’s ear and when he gets there he pushes Ross into the fridge.) Ross: What the hell are you doing? Joey: What? What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge! Ross: What?! What? How do you, how do you even know its broken?! Joey: Oh-ho-ho, you think I don’t know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me! (He opens the door and feels inside.) Well what do you know! Broken! That’ll be $400! Chandler: Joey, I saw you push him! Joey: (pause) You pushed him! Ross: Joey, I did not break this! Okay? (He opens the freezer and smells inside and recoils in disgust.) That has been broken for a while. Joey: All right. Chandler, do you remember how I told you about our fridge? Chandler: Uh-huh. Joey: I still haven’t gotten a check for your half yet. Ross: Do not give him any money! Joey: I’m not talking to you! You broke my fridge! [Scene: Ross’s office, he’s opening the door to Elizabeth.] Elizabeth: You wanted to see me Professor Geller? Ross: Yes. Yes! Please, come in. (She does so, he closes the door, and she pushes him against the doorknob again.) Ross: Oo-oo! Elizabeth: Doorknob? Ross: Yeah, it kinda grows on you. (They both laugh.) Actually, I wanted to finish talking to you about uh, spring vacation. Elizabeth: Oh good. Ross: Look, I… (He has trouble sitting in his chair.) Look, I’m having a great time with you and I just don’t want us to move to fast or put to much pressure on us. So, I’m sorry I just don’t think we should go away together yet. It’s-it’s too soon. Elizabeth: Ross, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to Florida for a couple weeks. Ross: No. I think you misunderstood what I was saying. What I meant was… Elizabeth: You are so adorable. Ross: That! Let’s talk about that. [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! How did it go with Elizabeth? Ross: Huh? Oh-oh, it was fine. Uh, it was just a misunderstanding. She didn’t want me to go with her. She just wanted to let me know that she’s going to Florida for spring vacation. Chandler: Wait a minute, is she going for spring vacation or is she going for spring break? (Does a little whooping/party noise.) Ross: What’s-what’s the difference? Monica: Well, spring vacation is doing nice things with your grandparents. Spring break you’re doing frat guys. Ross: Hey, y’know what? Not all spring breaks are like that. Phoebe: What did you do on yours? Ross: I went to Egypt with my dad. Chandler: I can see it now, "Look dad, it’s the Sphinx!" (Does that party noise again.) Ross: Hey, I think Elizabeth is a little more serious than, "Spring break!" (Imitates the party noise.) All right? I mean she’s taken my class! Monica: And slept with the professor. Ross: I’m gonna call her. Chandler: Yeah. (Ross leaves to do so and Rachel enters with a guy.) Rachel: Hey! You guys umm, I want you to meet Sebastian. Sebastian: Hi. Rachel: We just uh, we just met at the newsstand. We both grabbed for the last Field & Stream. (Chandler’s shocked.) What? I read that. Sebastian: Can I get you a cup of coffee? Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you! (He does so and Rachel sits down on the couch.) Phoebe: Rachel, what the hell is this?! Rachel: (shocked) What? Phoebe: You ask us to find you a guy and you come traipsing in here with your own! Rachel: You found me a guy? Monica: Yes! We found you a really cute and funny guy from Chandler’s work! Phoebe: Yeah and I-I found you one too who is not a weirdo. Rachel: Well, y’know what though you guys? I really appreciate that but I think I’m just gonna take Sebastian to the charity. Chandler: Are you sure?! Because our guy smells incredible! Monica: Uh, would you stop it with that already?! (Sebastian returns with the coffee.) Sebastian: Here you go. (Hands her, her cup.) Rachel: Oh, thank you. Sebastian: Sure. Phoebe: So, Sebastian, do you do any volunteer work? Sebastian: Uh, no not really. Why? Phoebe: No reason, it’s just I know a single guy that cares about other people. Chandler: Are you funny? Sebastian: Excuse me? Rachel: What are you guys doing? Monica: Are you funny? Tell us a joke! Sebastian: Look, I just wanted to have coffee with Rachel. Phoebe: Well, so do a lot of people. Sebastian: Actually, I uh, I gotta get going. (To Rachel) Give me a call sometime. Rachel: Oh, but y’know, no, you didn’t give me your phone number. Sebastian: Okay! See you later! (Exits.) Chandler: (To Monica) Turns out he is kinda funny. Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Rachel: I cannot believe you guys! He was really nice and he left because of you! Chandler: Yeah, but Sebastian? What is that? A cat’s name? Phoebe: Yeah, y’know what I noticed Rachel? He scares easy. Is that the kind of guy you’d like to take to a ball? "Hey Sebastian, would you like to dance?" (Imitates him.) "Uhh, okay—I gotta go!" Monica: All right guys stop it. Rachel, we’re very sorry that is a very insensitive thing for us to do. And y’know what? Let us make it up to you, we have two really great guys for you. Phoebe: Yeah! What have you got to lose? Y’know you might even end up with someone really special (whispers) if you pick my guy. Rachel: All right. Chandler: Okay, so you will meet our guys? Rachel: Yes, I’ll meet ‘em. Chandler: Okay now it doesn’t matter which one you choose, y’know? It’s completely up to you. Our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy Phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with herself. Joey: (entering) Pheebs! There you are! Okay, you broke my fridge; you owe me 400 bucks! Phoebe: Okay sure! Joey: Really?! Phoebe: Ooh, technically you owe me $600 for sending out happy thoughts on your last ten auditions. Joey: Call it even? Phoebe: Okay. (Ross returns.) Chandler: (To Ross) Well, there you are! So what did Elizabeth say? Ross: Well, it turns out that she is going to Daytona for spring break woo-hoo. That means, that means wet T-shirt contests, guys doing shts off of girl’s bodies, waking up next to people you don’t even know… Joey: Man, she is going to have a great time! Is she staying at the Hotel Corona? Chandler: You know the hotels? Joey: Sure! I was there! Spring Break ’81! Woo-hoo! Monica: In 1981 you were 13! Joey: So what? I drove down, sold T-shirts, had a blast. And y’know who knows how to party? Drunk college chicks. Ross: Okay, she can’t go. Phoebe: Ross, you can’t tell her not to go. You just started dating. Ross: Then what am I supposed to do? Phoebe: Nothing, you just have to be cool with it. Ross: Well, what is she goes down and-and sleeps with a bunch of guys? Chandler: Well, maybe you don’t marry this one. [Scene: Elizabeth’s apartment, she is packing for her trip as Ross watches.] Ross: I’m so glad you’re going on this trip! Elizabeth: Yeah! I’ve been working so hard this semester. I really need to go crazy y’know, blow off some steam. Ross: Sure. Sure. Look I don’t, I don’t know if your plans are finalized yet, but umm, hey I-I know another great way to blow off steam. Elizabeth: What? Ross: Are you into crafts at all? Elizabeth: Ross, are you okay? Ross: Well, yeah, of-of course I’m okay! What? I’m just being supportive. Supportive of you and this whole trip, and-and (notices something) what-what is uh, what’s this? (He holds up a rather skimpy bathing suit.) Elizabeth: It’s a bathing suit? Ross: To wear in front of people? Elizabeth: Is that supportive? Ross: Is this?! [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is reading as Monica and Chandler enter.] Monica: Hey! Chandler: Good-good-good-good. Monica: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Monica: We’re really glad you decided to meet our guy. Rachel: Oh… Monica: You’re gonna like him so much. So umm, when do you want to meet him? Rachel: I don’t know. I know I don’t work late tomorrow night. Chandler: Tomorrow night is good. Tomorrow night is good, but uh, y’know what? Why put off something till tomorrow that you can do right now? (Laughs) Eldad come here! (He stands up from the next table.) Rachel: What? Monica: Eldad, this is Rachel. Eldad: How are you? Rachel: Well-well a little blind sided but y’know good. Chandler: Eldad, sit down. (To Rachel) Move over! Move over now! Rachel: I—Ohh! (Moves over and lets Eldad sit on the couch.) Chandler: There you go! There you are! (Rachel stares at Monica and Chandler) Monica: Okay! Okay! We can take a hint! (They start to leave but run into Phoebe with her guy in tow.) (To Phoebe) What are you doing here?! Phoebe: This is Patrick. (Points to him.) Patrick: Hi. Chandler: Hi. (To Phoebe) Okay, you’re too late okay? Because she’s already with our guy. Phoebe: (looks) Oh my God, you’re right! I am too late; they’re sitting on the couch and talking! (To Patrick) Come on! (They go over to the couch.) Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: This is Patrick. Rachel: Oh, hi. Patrick: Hi. Phoebe: Yeah, this is the guy I was telling you about. Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Yeah. And believe me, this suit does not do justice to what’s underneath it. Rachel: Oh-okay, but Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: I’m just sort of in the middle of something. Phoebe: Oh! Okay! Yeah, that’s okay. (To Patrick) Have a seat. (Sits Patrick down next to Rachel.) Monica: No! You can’t do that! Eldad: Maybe I should go! Monica: (stopping him) Sit down! We’re winning! Rachel: Okay, y’know what? Maybe I should go! All: (Chandler stops her) No-no-no-no! Have a seat! Have a seat! Monica: Rachel! Rachel! You haven’t touched Eldad’s hair! Chandler: It is the softest hair! Touch it! (Both he and Monica do so.) Rachel: Yeah, I’m good. Phoebe: Rachel? Patrick is really rich. (To Patrick) Give her some money. Patrick: Y’know what Phoebe? This isn’t really worth the free massage. Monica: That’s right Patrick, bye-bye! Chandler: (To Rachel) Eldad is much more cooperative! And he can dance! (To Eldad) You dance for Rachel! (He starts to get up, but Rachel stops him.) Rachel: No-no! Don’t dance for me! Please? Don’t! (She gets up to yell at her ‘friends.’) What is the matter with you guys? Phoebe: Yeah, okay, let’s talk it out. Rachel: I… Am I the only one that this is embarrassing for? Eldad: I’m a little embarrassed. (Chandler shushes him.) Rachel: I’ll tell ya who should be embarrassed! It’s you guys! Come on! This is ridiculous! Thank you very much, but I do not need you to get me a date! Phoebe: Then why did she ask us to… Rachel: I am still talking!! And then you chase away the one guy that I actually liked! I mean, no offense to you guys. Really! I mean (To Patrick) congratulations on all the cash, (He nods) and-and y’know—(Feels Eldad’s hair)—Wow! You do have very soft hair! But I would much rather go to the ball all by myself than go through anymore of this! Good-bye! (Grabs her stuff, starts to leave, then turns back suddenly, and to Eldad) Now do you use some sort of special conditioner on that hair?! Eldad: Yes, Papaya Extract. Rachel: Thank you! (Storms out.) [Scene: The airport, Elizabeth’s flight is about to leave and Ross is there to send her off.] Ross: So uh, have a great time down there. Elizabeth: I will. Ross: Yeah. And did you, did you pack that bathing suit? Elizabeth: Yeah. Ross: It was pretty funny when I, when I hid it for a while, huh? Anyway, umm, I-I am worried about that bathing suit, not because it’s revealing which I’m fine with, no I’m concerned about your health, sun exposure. Elizabeth: Oh, don’t worry I have plenty of sun block, it’s SPF-30. Ross: Well, if what’s in the bottle is actually 30. I mean sometimes you get 30, sometimes it’s-it’s get 4, and I swear to God more often than not it’s just milk. Elizabeth: Ross, it’s going to be okay. I’m not going down there to hook up with a bunch of guys. I really like you. I like how things are going between us. Ross: Really? Elizabeth: Yeah! I’m just going down there to relax and hang out with my friends. Ross: Okay. Cool. Elizabeth: Oh hey! Here they are! (A group of about 10 guys and no women come running around the corner.) Guy: Elizabeth! (The guys pick up Elizabeth and carry her onto the plane as she waves bye.) Ross: Call me! Ending Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are there.] Phoebe: Rachel, we’re sorry for pushing those guys on you. Rachel: Oh that’s all right! Y’know, I ended up having a really good time. Y’know, the charity was a big success and they raised a lot of money and awareness. Chandler: So what was it for anyway? Rachel: I wanna say a disease. Joey: (entering) Hey! All: Hey! Joey: I just got this really weird message from Ross. He said turn on MTV. Rachel: Huh. All right. (Rachel does so and it’s one of those dance party shows they have during spring break and we see…) Phoebe: Oh my God, look! That’s Elizabeth! (Suddenly Ross jumps in and starts dancing with her.) Rachel: Oh-oh Professor Geller. Joey: Ahh, to be 13 again. Chandler: Yeah. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x19 - The One With Joey\u2019s Fridge"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Scenes Taken From Episodes Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips, guineapig, Ruth Curran, Josh Hodge, and Me. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Phoebe is helping Joey rehearse for an audition. Phoebe is overacting her part.] Joey: The reactor’s gonna blow in three seconds, we’re never gonna make it! Phoebe: You’ve got to get out of here! Save yourself! Joey: No! I won’t leave you! Phoebe: Don’t worry about me, I’m a robot! I’m just a machine!! Joey: No you’re not! Not to me! Phoebe: (she stops reading from the script) Oh my God. Joey: What? Phoebe: I am extremely talented! Joey: Yeah, you’re great! Okay, let’s take it from… Phoebe: (interrupting) No, I mean I was really acting my ass off. Joey: Yeah, I thought I was pretty good too. Phoebe: Oh yeah, you’re solid. Yeah, you’re just no me. Joey: Y’know what? I think that’s enough for now. Yeah. I don’t want to be over rehearsed. Phoebe: (tremendously overacting) Fine! I’ll do it without you! (Joey gives her thumbs up) I don’t need you or anybody else! I’m gonna make it on my own! (Joey closes the door to his bedroom.) You’ll see!! You’ll all see!! Opening Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is memorizing his lines. Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as well.] Chandler: (To Joey) So uh, what’s this thing you’re auditioning for? Joey: Oh, it’s a new TV show. Yeah. I’m up for the part of Mac Macaveli or "Mac." Yeah, I’m a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. He’s a, he’s a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or "C.H.E.E.S.E." Rachel: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey: That’s the title! Yeah! Y’know they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese. Chandler: That is lucky. Rachel: Huh—Wait so Joey if you get this, you’re gonna be like the star of your own TV show! I mean you’ll be like the Big Cheese! (To Phoebe) Or the Big Mac—Hey! You love those! Joey: Well, don’t get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen. Chandler: Now-now, why would you say that Joseph? Joey: I mean come on you guys! My own TV show? I just don’t know if I’m good enough. Phoebe: I am. Rachel: Joey, what are you talking about? You’re a terrific actor. Joey: You really think so? Rachel: Ugh, how can you even ask that question?! [And with that we go into the save the budget portion of the show, which features flashbacks from previous episodes. The first set of auditions feature high lights or low lights of Joey’s acting career. The first flashback is from The One With The Lesbian Wedding.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there to watch Joey's first scene as Dr. Drake Remoray.] Chandler: Whoa, she's pretty. (Mentioning the girl on TV) Joey: Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting. Rachel: I'm sorry, what? Monica: What? Ross: Excuse me? Joey: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. (Does this intense look where it looks like he's smelling a fart.) Chandler: Oh, ok. Joey: (there's a gn on TV) There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon. I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..." (Does the smell-the-fart look.) [The next flashback is from The One With The Butt. The gng is watching Joey in Freud!] Joey: (on stage in an Austrian accent) Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.) All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang... [The next flashback is also from The One With The Butt and it's also on the soundtrack. He's Joey telling everyone about his big break in Monica and Rachel's apartment.] Joey: I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt. Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God. Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business. Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me! Ross: You're right, you're right, it is. Monica: Yes. Ross: So you gonna invite us all to the big opening? [Cut back to Joey about to leave for his audition for Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.] Joey: All right well, I’m outta here. Wish me luck. Phoebe: (overacting with a song this time) (singing) Gooood luck! Gooood luck! We all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!! Joey: Yeah, whatever. (Exits.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are playing chess and are both studying the board intently.] Ross: It’s your turn. Chandler: Oh, are we playing this?! Joey: (entering, dejectedly) Hey. Chandler: Hey! How’d the audition go? Joey: Terrible! I messed up every line! I shouldn’t even be an actor! Ross: Wait a minute, are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn’t go well but it really did go well? Joey: Yeah, did I fool ya? Ross: Totally! Chandler: So it did go well. Joey: Oh, it went amazingly well! Ross: Great! Chandler: Oh that’s great! Joey: Yeah-yeah, it’s down to me and two other guys. Chandler: Oh my God! Ross: Wow! Joey: And I know both of them, they’re really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials who’s always getting chased by those big flowers… Ross: Oh, I love that guy! (Laughs.) Chandler: Oh-oh, what are you doing? Ross: (stops laughing) What am I doing? Joey: I’m just so nervous! Y’know? The callback isn’t until tomorrow at five. I feel like my head is going to explode! Chandler: Well, it is overdue. Ross: Look, don’t worry. Okay? You’re gonna be fine. Joey: There’s just so much pressure. I mean no offense, but what you guys do is very different. I don’t know if you’d understand. Ross: Yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs. [Thus starts another series of flashbacks all dealing with the pressure the rest of the Friends have to deal with in their jobs. The first flashback is from The One With The Stoned Guy.] [Scene: Chandler's office. He's on the phone, agitated.] Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy! [The next flashback is from The One With The Prom Video. Monica is at a job interview at a new restaurant.] Monica: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce. Interviewer: Uh-huh. Is it dirty? Monica: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it. Interviewer: Don't, I like it dirty. Monica: That's your call. Interviewer: So, uh, what are you going to do next? Monica: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos. Interviewer: Are they, uh, firm? Monica: They'r alright. Interviewer: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad? Monica: No really, they're OK. Interviewer: You gonna slice them up real nice? Monica: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne. Interviewer: Aaaahhhhhhh. Monica: I'm outa here. [Monica leaves] [The next flashback is from The One With Rachel's Crush.] [Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job.] Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, I’m quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it! (Pause) I’m telling you I’m quitting! That’s it! I’m talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up.) [The next flashback is from The One With The Dozen Lasagnas, Phoebe is telling everyone but Rachel about the pass Paulo made on her.] Monica: Well, what happened? Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until... (The flashback shows Paulo lying face down on the massage table and slowly moving his hands up Phoebe's legs and grabbing her butt.) All: Ohhhhhh! Ross: Oh my God! Phoebe: And all of the sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (The flashback shows Paulo rolling over and showing Phoebe his equipment.) Monica: Was it... Phoebe: Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under it! [The next flashback is from The One With Ross's Sandwich, Ross his confronting his boss about him eating Ross's sandwich.] Ross: You ate my sandwich? Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone. Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really? Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash. Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What? Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away. Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away! [Cut to an outside sht of the museum.] Ross: (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!! [Cut to a sht of a park.] Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream scares a flight of pigeons away.) [Cut back to Central Perk.] Joey: I want this part so much! Y’know? If I don’t get this part I’m never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!—No, I didn’t say that! That’s a lie. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is there talking to the chick and duck.] Chandler: Oh come on guys, it’s not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren’t for (struggles to get this out) Monica’s allergies. (The duck quacks.) You’re right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joey’s not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.) Monica: (startled) Ahh! Aren’t you dressed yet? Chandler: (looks down at his clothes) Am I naked again?! Monica: We’re supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes. Chandler: Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean, is it okay if they come visit? Monica: Wh?! What about my allergies?! Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball and Joey scores a goal.] Joey: Yes!! Ha-ha!! All right! Hey! How cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-sized version of this? Huh? I mean how crazy would that be? Chandler: As crazy as soccer? (The phone rings and Joey answers it.) Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) What are you talking about? The audition’s not ‘til 5:00! (Chandler suddenly remembers and looks at the unfinished message then tries to sneak over and finish it as Joey listens.) Well, nobody told me! (Listens) Who’d you talk to? (Listens and turns around to see Chandler trying to finish the message.) Nevermind! (Hangs up.) Chandler: You mean you didn’t get it from this? Joey: The allergy guy got the part! Thanks! Chandler: Well, maybe we can fix it y’know? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him! Joey: How could you do this to me Chandler?! This part could’ve turned my whole career around! Chandler: I messed up. Okay? I’m sorry, I really messed up. Joey: Hey, you don’t even live here anymore! What are you doing answering my phone? I have my machine! Chandler: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay? But everybody’s allowed one mistake, right? [Joey just laughs as a third set of flashbacks featuring Chandler’s mistakes starts. The first flashback is from The One With The Prom Video. It's Chandler telling Phoebe how much he hates the bracelet Joey bought him. They're both at Central Perk.] Chandler: You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller! The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap! Phoebe: It's not that bad. Chandler: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler] Phoebe: Chandler, Chandler. Chandler: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi! [The next flashback is from The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line. He's telling Joey that he kissed Cathy.] Chandler: Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and… Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?! Chandler: No! No! No! I just kissed her. Joey: What?!! That’s even worse!! Chandler: How is that worse?! Joey: I don’t know! But it’s the same! Chandler: You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line. Joey: Over the line?! You-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you! [Cut back to Joey and Rachel’s apartment.] Chandler: Look, I’m not saying that you should magically forgive me! But you’re not perfect! You’ve made some errors in judgment too! Joey: Name one! [Chandler proceeds to point out Joey’s errors in this forth set of flashbacks. The first flashback is from The One With The Cat. Chandler has just returned home to see that their apartment has been cleaned out and finds Joey trapped in the entertainment center.] Chandler: (lets him out) What happened?!! Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!! Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!! Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man! Chandler: So--You got in voluntarily?! Joey: I was tryin’ to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I’m gonna do? Chandler: BEND OVER?!!! [The next flashback is from The One With The Candy Hearts. Joey and Chandler are waiting at a restaurant as Lorraine and her friend arrive.] Chandler: Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess. Lorraine: Hi, Joey. (Sees Chandler.) Well well, look what you brought. Chandler: ...And what did you bring? Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice. Chandler: Janice? (Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.) Chandler: Janice?! Janice: Oh.... my.... God. [The next flashback is from The One With Ross's New Girlfriend. Chandler is telling Ross and Joey that Joey's tailor took advantage of him.] Chandler: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me. Ross: What? Joey: No way! I've been going to the guy for 12 years. Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite... Ross: What? Chandler: Cupping. Joey: That's how they do pants! Ross, will you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants? Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison! [Cut back to the present.] Joey: I said name one! Commercial Break [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Rachel are consoling Chandler.] Chandler: I can’t believe I did this! What an idiot! Monica: Oh, stop beating yourself up! People make mistakes! These things happen! There aren’t any message you’ve forgotten to give me are there? (Chandler has a disgusted look on his face.) Apparently you’re not very good at it! I… Chandler: Do you think he’ll ever forgive me? Rachel: Of course he will! But Chandler the most important thing is you forgive yourself! Chandler: Y’know what? I-I kinda have. Rachel: Already? That’s pretty bad what you did. Monica: Y’know what? He will forgive you. And I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone just in case… (Chandler gets that disgusted look back.) Okay… Chandler: You didn’t see how mad he was, y’know? Rachel: I’m sure he will forgive you. Look, we have all been there! Y’know, you fight, you make up, it’s just the way it works. [We then go into another set of flashbacks of famous fights. The first is the second breakup of Ross and Rachel from The One With The Jellyfish.] Ross: It took two people to break up this relationship!! Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!! Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter! Rachel: What?!! Ross: I fell asleep! Rachel: (mocking him) You fell asleep?! Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are,’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’ Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!! Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it) Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!! Chandler: (coming out from behind the door) I KNEW IT!!!! [The next flashback is from The One After The Superbowl, Part II. Monica and Rachel are fighting over who gets to see Jean-Claude Van Damme.] Monica: You had no right to go out with him. Rachel: That is the most ridiculous... Monica: You sold me out. Rachel: I did not sell you out. Monica: Yes you did. You absolutely sold me... Rachel: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead] Monica: Did you just flick me? Rachel: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica] (They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other.) Phoebe: Oh! All right. Now, let's not do this! (Rachel tackles Monica onto the couch.) Phoebe: Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts! (They wrestle on the couch for a little while until Monica gets the upper hand and pulls Rachel off of the couch by her sock. Monica removes Rachel's sock and starts beating her with it.)This leads to wrestling on the floor. This finally angers Phoebe.) Phoebe: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass. (Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear.) Monica and Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ow! Phoebe: I know! I know! I know! Phoebe: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop. Rachel: Fine! Monica: Fine! Phoebe: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches. [The next flashback is from The One Where No One's Ready. Joey is retaliating against Chandler hiding his underwear by wearing a whole bunch of clothes.] Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando... (Chandler does this throat sound.) Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges) [The next flashback is from The One Where Eddie Moves In. It's the sequence where Joey and Chandler are both saddened that they're not living together anymore. All By Myself is playing in the background.] [Joey's place. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to and throws the phone back down.] [Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.] [Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.] [Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.] [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering with a peace offering of a Joey Special, two pizzas.] Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joey’s not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) He’s still got a chance for the part?! Oh, that’s great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, that’s great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what he’s writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attcked. (Pause) By dog not flowers. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is entering to find Chandler waiting patiently for him.] Joey: Hey! Chandler: Please tell me you got the message! Joey: What message? Chandler: The actor playing Mac couldn’t do it, they needed to see you at 2 o’clock. Joey: What?! It’s 6 o’clock! Chandler: Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board, then I went all over New York City looking for ya! I went to Ross’s! I went to the coffeehouse! I went to any place that they made sandwiches! Joey: I can’t believe this Chandler! Chandler: Sorry! I-I-I don’t know what to say. Joey: Well you-you-you-you might say congratulations! I saw the board! I went to the audition! I got the part!! Chandler: (angrily) Is that supposed to be funny! I was really worried over here! Joey: Oh, well I’m uh… Chandler: Y’know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean! Joey: Oh wow! Okay man, I’m sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad. Chandler: Well that’s good. Because you didn’t! And I’m incredibly happy for ya!! Joey: (shocked) That’s mean! You really had me going there! Chandler: Oh, we could do this all day. Joey: Yeah, you’re right. Okay look, listen, let’s talk about what a huge star I’m gonna be! Chandler: You are gonna be a huge star! I’m gonna hug ya! Joey: You hug me! Chandler: All right! [What follows is the final set of flashbacks that feature a whole lot of lovin’ between Chandler and Joey. There’s no words, just hugs and even the kiss from The One With The Monkey. All of this is set to the song, You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me!] [Cut back to the present, they are still in each other’s embrace.] Joey: Hey, do we do this too much? Chandler: I think so. Yeah, get off me. Joey: Yeah. (They separate.) Ending Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.] Joey: Come on C.H.E.E.S.E., I’m not leaving without you! Try routing your backup source through your primary CPU. Phoebe: (overacting badly) I can’t! My circuits are fried! They’re fried I tell you!! Joey: Wow! (Back to reading the scene.) Well then I’ll just have to carry you. (Suddenly Ross jumps up from behind the counter armed with a plastic gn. By the way, he’s overacting too.) Ross: That’ll be a neat trick, when you’re, (looks at the script) when you’re dad! Joey: Ross, you don’t have to yell. Ross: There was just an explsi*n, okay? My hearing would be impaired. Phoebe: I thought you were excellent! In fact for a minute there I was like, "Ooh, where’d Ross go?" Ross: Thank you! And I have to say that first scene when you meet Mac… Phoebe: Yeah? Ross: Oh my God. I mean… Joey: Y’know what? I think that’s enough for today. Thanks for your help! (He grabs their scripts and heads for his room.) Phoebe: (To Ross) He’s holding us back. Ross: Totally. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x20 - The One With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E."}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Scott Siveri Story by: David J. Lagana Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica are there. Rachel is reading everyone’s horoscope.] Rachel: Okay, Chandler! Chandler: Okay. Rachel: And your horoscope says, "On the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift." Chandler: (To Monica) Oh, well thank you in advance. (Kisses her.) Rachel: Op, but the twelfth brings a lover’s spat. Monica: (To Chandler) You are going to make a joke about my special present! Why would you do that?! Rachel: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself. (Phoebe winks and licks her lips while eyeing Chandler.) Joey: (entering) Hey guys! Chandler: Hey!! Rachel: (ecstatic) Oh my God! It’s Joey Tribbiani of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!!!!!! (Everyone claps and cheers, Joey mimics looking about with a gn.) Chandler: Oh that’s right. It’s your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick? Joey: Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? I’ve dreamed about this for years! Why have I not been preparing?! Phoebe: No! Joey, you’re going to be great! Joey: But I got to act with a robot Pheebs, and-and I don’t know anything about technology! I can’t even use Chandler’s computer except to find prn! And-and that’s only ‘cause it’s right there when you turn it on! Monica: I think our lover’s spat will start a little early this month. Phoebe: (in a sexy voice to Chandler) I’ll be waiting. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, time lapse. Phoebe is now looking at the covers of two different books.] Chandler: Are you judging them by their covers? Because you’re really not supposed to do that. Phoebe: No, I’m just deciding which one to use—I’m gonna start writing another book! Rachel: Be-because the last one was such a big seller? Phoebe: Well, if you must know I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one who has read them, I can tell you that they all have been very well received. Ross: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Ross: What are you guys doing later? Phoebe: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut. Rachel: (To Phoebe) We do? Phoebe: I want to see what he wants first. Rachel: Okay. Ross: (continuing) I just found out that Elizabeth’s dad wants to meet me. Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not Elizabeth’s dad?! Ross: Come on guys, I-I really want this guy to like me. It-it would really help me out if you guys were here to make me look good. All: Of course we’ll help! Yeah! We’ll be here! Ross: Thanks! Monica: We know how tough those parent/teacher conferences can be. [Scene: Pier 59 Studios, it’s the set of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. The producer is showing Joey around the set.] The Producer: (walking into Mac’s office) So uh, here’s your office set! Joey: Wow! Huh? (Picks up the phone) Mac Macaveli, Private Investigator! The Producer: (checking his watch) Let’s get you into wardrobe for a fitting. Joey: Okay. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the robot? The Producer: I’m sorry, why don’t we do that right now? He’s right here. (Points to a guy.) Joey: Okay. The Producer: Joey Tribbiani, this is… Joey: Oh wow! He’s so lifelike! (Starts touching the guy’s cheeks) Unbelievable! (He starts tugging on the guy’s ears. The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey: (slaps Wayne on his cheek) How do you do there, Wayne? (Backs away.) The Producer: I’ll let you two guys get acquainted, huh? (Walks away.) Joey: Okay. Sorry about that…(Mimics that cheek thing he just did.) Uh, so where’s C.H.E.E.S.E.? Wayne: C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here. (He puts on his headset, picks up the controller, and wheels C.H.E.E.S.E. in. C.H.E.E.S.E. is just a plain old robot on tracks; he kinda looks like No. 5 in the movie Short Circuit.) C.H.E.E.S.E.: (Wayne with a computerized voice) Nice to meet you Mac! Joey: (laughs) This is like the temporary robot, right? Wayne: No. Why? Joey: Well, I-I just, I just it was going to be like a really cool robot, y’know? Like the terminator or uh, when I first saw you. Wayne: I spent two years developing this machine, it’s absolutely state of the art. Joey: I’m sorry, it just—I don’t know it doesn’t really look like it can do anything. Wayne: It can do this. (He moves C.H.E.E.S.E.’s arm close to Joey’s special area and he jumps back.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, Die Hard, and Armageddon.] Elizabeth: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller. Ross: It-it’s great to meet you Paul. Paul: I usually prefer Elizabeth’s boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens. Ross: Of course, of course, Mr. Stevens. Paul: So Ross, what your problem? Ross: Eh-wh—Excuse me? Paul: Why can’t you get a girlfriend your own age? Ross: That’s funny. Umm…. (Pause, then serious) It’s not funny. Paul: I don’t like you going out with my daughter Ross. Ross: Okay. I can, I can see that. Umm, but I think if you give me umm, one chance I can, I can change your mind. Paul: Okay. Ross: What? Paul: Okay. I’ll give you one chance to change my mind. (Ross laughs in relief) You got one minute. (Ross suddenly gets worried.) Elizabeth: Daddy! Paul: Fine! Two minutes. Go. Ross: This is—you—(Ross starts laughing.) Paul: (laughs then checking his watch) 1 minute 50 seconds. Ross: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean I’ve been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a student—I mean I not—not it! I mean, I mean I don’t—We haven’t done it. Uh, I mean, I mean, we’ve-we’ve-we’ve done stuff. (Paul is not amused.) Okay, okay, a joke, a joke—lighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish. Paul: I’m Irish. Ross: And the Irish guy wins the joke! (Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe enter.) Monica: Ross!! Chandler: Ross! Monica: How crazy that we’d run into you! Ross: Oh God, thank you! (Runs and gives all of them a group hug.) Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens I’d like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler. Phoebe: You’re Elizabeth’s father, huh? I can see now where she gets her rugged handsomeness. Monica: (obviously attracted to him) Is-is-is there a-a Mrs. Stevens? Chandler: There’s a Mr. Bing! Paul: No, unfortunately Lizzie’s mom passed away shortly after she was born. I raised her by myself. Phoebe and Monica: (sympathetic) Ohh! Paul: I get that a lot. Ross: Okay umm, why don’t we all take a seat, y’know? And uh, and I’ll get us all some uh some coffees—(He goes to pull out Elizabeth’s chair, but Paul steps in)—Yeah, why don’t you. (Paul pulls out her chair) Uh and you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want. Y’know? Whatever pops into your head. (He turns his back to Paul and Elizabeth and points to himself for Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe. Then he goes to order the coffee.) Monica: Y’know, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day, ‘cause usually he’s got the children’s hospital. Phoebe: Yeah. Not looking for dates. (Monica turns in horror.) Elizabeth: So uh, Monica is Ross’s sister. Monica: And he’s a great brother! Paul: I had a sister. Monica: Ohh! Paul: She passed away. Monica and Phoebe: (sympathetic) Ohh! Paul: Oh, you don’t have to do that every time. Chandler: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story… (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isn’t happy.) You’re roommate in college died didn’t he? Paul: A part of him did yes. Ross: (returning with the coffee) Okay here we are Paul, Elizabeth. (He sets down their cups.) So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about. Chandler: Yes, we were just… (Rachel runs in.) Rachel: Hi, I’m sorry I’m late but I am ready, ready to talk you up! When does Liz’s father get here? Paul: I’m already here. Rachel: Oh! Ross is sooo great! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen table, Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering from the bathroom carrying a package of toilet paper.] Chandler: Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby. Monica: No, you said the baby creeps you out. Chandler: No, the little girl creeps me out. Monica: You said the baby. Chandler: Why would the baby creep me out? Monica: Why would the little girl creep you out? Phoebe: (writing frantically) You guys, I’m sorry, could you please talk a little slower? Chandler: This is going in your book? Phoebe: Yeah, it’s about relationships. Y’know? The traps, the pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. This stuff is great! Monica: What?! Excuse me! Phoebe: And how none of it matters when the people really love each other. (Chandler and Monica kiss.) And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as it’s a compliment. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there alone as Paul enters.] Rachel: (seeing him) Oh hi! Paul: Hi! Hi. (He’s looking around.) I think I left my keys here somewhere. Rachel: Oh! Well let’s look for them. (Finds some under one of the couch cushions. It has a pink, fuzzy ball on the key chain.) Oh-oh-hey! Are these them? Paul: No. Rachel: All right! (Throws them back under the cushion.) Paul: Oh, here they are right here. (Picks them up from underneath the corner of the couch.) Rachel: Oh good. Paul: Thanks for your help. (Starts to leave.) Rachel: (chasing after him) Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul? Paul: Just call me Paul. Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy. Paul: Well maybe you can date him then that would save me the trouble of klling him. (Rachel laughs then starts looking at him.) Are you okay? Rachel: You just don’t look old enough to have a twenty-year-old daughter. Paul: Well, we were very young when we had her. Rachel: Oh. We? Paul: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people to… (He taps his index fingers together.) Rachel: Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I just—I meant y’know are you still a ‘We’ or are you just ‘You?’ Paul: I’m just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born. Rachel: (sympathetic) Ohh. So you raised her all on your own? Paul: Yes I did. Rachel: Ohh. (She touches his arm for support and likes what she feels) Ooh! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is still writing in her book, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: How was your first day? Joey: Pretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot. Chandler: Damn those robots, they’re supposed to be our faithful servants! Joey: Anyway, it wasn’t the robot, it was the guy who controls him. Yeah, he doesn’t like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich right when I was reaching for one! Ohh! Phoebe: Well, why don’t you just get him fired? Joey: I may have to, I hate to do it, but I’m the star! Y’know? There’s a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. (His cell phone rings) Excuse me. (Answers it, on phone) Joey Tribbiani. Estelle: (on the other end) Joe! I’m glad I found ya, I got an audition for ya! Joey: Wow! Estelle: The thing is it’s kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part doesn’t know he might be fired. It’s the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey: I’m the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!! Estelle: Uh-oh! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is entering looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul and Rachel making out on the couch.] Ross: Joey?! Paul: Hi Ross. Rachel: I was just getting him to like you. Commercial Break [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, scene is continued from earlier.] Ross: Joey?! Joey!! (He runs into his bedroom.) Rachel: Ross, Joey is not here. Ross: Okay, I’ll just wait for him in here! Rachel: Ross, it’s okay. You can come out. Paul: Yeah Ross it’s okay, it’s me, Mr. Stevens. Ross: (coming out of the bedroom) Oh! Oh my God! I didn’t even see you! Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. (Kisses her.) Rachel: Bye! Paul: I’ll call you later. Bye Ross. (Leaves) Ross: What-what-what the—how da-how did-what the-how did-what?! Rachel: Well, y’know he lost his keys so he was looking for them… Ross: (incredulous) In your mouth?! Rachel: No! Downstairs! And we got to talking y’know, for like two hours, and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee. Ross: You were at the coffeehouse! Rachel: Ross, what’s the big deal? So I kissed the guy! Ross: He is my girlfriend’s father, okay? It’s-it’s, it’s weird! Rachel: Wh—You dated my sister! Ross: That was different! Rachel: What? Why?! Ross: This is weird for me! Rachel: Ross look, look this is good for you. Okay? Let’s face it, so far the guy’s not lovin’ ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We can all go out to dinner, y’know? And I can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, very successful lawyer! Ross: How is that important? Rachel: Oh it’s important! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Joey is telling everyone about his impending termination at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.] Joey: Apparently, there’s like a million guys out there that can play Mac, and there’s only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! I didn’t know he could get me fired! What am I going to do? Monica: Well y’know Joey, you’re a pretty charming guy. Joey: Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here. Monica: No sweetie, you’ve got to win over the guy that controls C.H.E.E.S.E.! You’ve got to kiss some serious robot ass! Joey: That’s not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, but if I got to turn on the charm tomorrow I’m not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. (Starts to leave, but stops and turns to Phoebe.) Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you Pheebs. (Exits.) Chandler: So do you think uh, Joey’s more charming than me? Monica: Yeah! That’s why I’m sleeping with him on the side. Chandler: Yeah, you wish. (Stops to think about it and gets depressed.) Phoebe: (writing in her book) "You wish." Monica: Phoebe, stop writing about us! Phoebe: I’m not writing about you! I’m writing about other people. Chandler: Who? Phoebe: Marcia and Chester. Monica: Okay fine! Fine! Then you know what, I’ll just write about Phyllis! Hmm! Chandler: Hmm. Monica: (writing on a piece of paper) Phyllis is sitting in a chair. Chandler: Oh. Phoebe: I see what you’re doing! Monica: (still writing) Phyllis sees what I’m doing. Chandler: Oh-oh. Phoebe: Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter! [Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is walking up to C.H.E.E.S.E. and Wayne.] Joey: Morning! Hey, how’s my favorite genius and my little robot buddy?! (Pats C.H.E.E.S.E. on the head.) Wayne: Don’t touch him! Joey: Okay! (He yanks his hand away.) All right. Umm, all right Wayne, level with me. Okay? I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Okay, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to give me a second chance! I mean, I love-I love this little guy! (He grabs C.H.E.E.S.E.’s arm and pulls it off at the elbow.) Ah-ah!! (Wayne is shocked.) Okay, that’s why you didn’t want me to touch him right? Here you go! Okay? (Hands Wayne the arm and he goes to fix it. Meanwhile Joey starts to berate himself.) Stupid! I can’t believe it! God! (A very beautiful woman walks by.) (To her) Hey, how you doin’? (He and her go over to talk and Wayne looks on with envy.) [Scene: A Restaurant, Ross and Rachel are on their double date. Rachel is busy talking Ross up.] Rachel: So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly, offered to take me. Elizabeth: What a nice story! Paul: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom. Rachel: Wow! I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Ross: Yeah, take your time. (Rachel heads for the bathroom.) Ross: (to Paul) Just-just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So it wasn’t as bad as-as… Paul: Ross, look, I know I’ve been giving you a lot of jabs and it’s partly because I’m very protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told me and the many, many, (pause) many stories that Rachel has told me that, well (pause) you’re not (pause) all bad. Ross: Not all bad. Paul: And anyhow, I’m sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand that I (pause) still look at Lizzie like she’s a twelve-year-old girl. Ross: Yeah. You know what? I know what you mean; I do that too. Paul: I beg your pardon? Ross: No! No! Not—I don’t mean I-I see her as a twelve-year-old girl! I mean I-I have a son, who’s umm six and I still think of him as a baby. Paul: You have a son? Ross: Yeah, well my-my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as I’m sure you are with your wife! (Realizes) Oh, I’m sorry! (To Elizabeth) It’s unbelievable! Paul: Don’t worry about it, I just didn’t realize you were married. (Rachel returns and hears that.) Rachel: Oh we were, but that was just a (pause as the audience reacts), I mean that was just a big drunken mistake. Ross: You’re back. Paul: You two were married?! Rachel: Oh! Whoops! I’m sorry, you were talking about Emily! (Ross slams his head down on the table.) [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are entering and they’re arguing.] Monica: Chandler, we said we would meet at the coffeehouse at six. Chandler: We said seven! Monica: We said six! Chandler: The only way that I said six would be if the seven’s, let meet at seven, not at six. Monica: Yeah and if I had seven, maybe I would’ve said something like this, "Wow! My boyfriend’s such a wise ass—seven!" Phoebe: (Turning around in the chair) Hi! Chandler: Oh my good God. Monica: Ugh! Phoebe: I know what time you said. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: Well actually, I know what time Chester and Marcia said. Monica: What time? Phoebe: Quite an interesting turn of events, suddenly it’s my book to the rescue, huh? (Reading her book) Ooh, very interesting. Yeah, well this certainly clears things up. Chandler: (disgusted) What does it say?! Phoebe: I will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book. Chandler: Thank you for writing your book. Its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything. Phoebe: Thanks! So are you. Chandler: (To Monica) I told you I should not wear this color. (He’s wearing a reddish-orange sweater.) Phoebe: (reading from her book) Mon… (Pause as she restarts) Marcia and Chester are planning on seeing a movie on Sunday night. Marcia thinks they’re supposed to meet at six, Chester thinks it’s at seven. Chandler: So you knew we were gonna miss the movie! Phoebe: That’s right. Monica: Inside of telling us you decided to write in your stupid book! Phoebe: (writing in her book) Marcia and Chester are mad at Phyllis. [Scene: Joey’s Dressing Room, Joey and Chandler are there.] Joey: I can’t believe I’m going to lose this job! Chandler: Oh I’m so sorry man! Is there anything I can do? Joey: Yeah! Help me get this mini-fridge past the security guard. (There’s a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Wayne.) Wayne: Hey Joey, I want to talk to you. Joey: Yeah? Well, I don’t want to talk to you Wayne! I hate you! You ruined my life! Oh, Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler. (They shake hands.) Chandler: Hi, how are ya? Wayne: Joey, Joey, I-I-I’ll g-get you your job back if you help me out. Joey: (incredulous) Why should I help you?! Chandler: (whispering in Joey’s ear) The reason he just said. Joey: (happily) What do you need? Wayne: I-I-I saw you on stage talking to that beautiful woman, y’know Sarah? Joey: Yeah? Wayne: I wish I could talk to her. Joey: What are you in love with her or something? Wayne: Yeah. Her. All of them. Anyone. Chandler: Yeah, I’ve been there my friend. Wayne: Listen, I-I guarantee you keep your job if you can teach me how to talk to women like you do. Joey: Oh wow Wayne, it’s not really something you can teach y’know? It’s pretty much something you’re born with if you—(Off Chandler’s look)—You-you can teach it! I’ll show you right how to do it. [Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel is still trying to talk up Ross, not to much success.] Rachel: I mean if you think about it, I mean Ross did learn something from each marriage. Paul: How to make the next one even shorter? Rachel: Now wait a minute that’s not fair. He was married to me a hell of a lot longer than he was married to Emily, he just didn’t tell me. (Everyone looks at her, Ross not happily.) Maybe I have to pee again. (Gets up to try to use the bathroom.) Paul: Well, this is fun. So Ross, did you kll any of these wives? Ross: Y’know what? I-I-I… I-I have had enough of this! Y’know, I-I-I care a great deal about your daughter and I have treated her with nothing but respect! So if-if you’ve got a problem with me, frankly… Paul: Are you yelling at me?! Ross: God no! Elizabeth: Y’know what daddy? If you don’t like Ross, that’s fine. It doesn’t matter to me, I’m gonna go out with him anyway. Paul: Really?! (She nods in the affirmative.) Ross: Well if it doesn’t matter to her, it doesn’t matter to me! (to Paul) Still not yelling! Paul: Wow. What can I say? (Pause, pointing at Ross) This doesn’t make me like you any better! Ross: That’s okay, I’m not so crazy about myself right now either. Paul: Then we agree? Ross: Uh yeah, I guess—Yeah! I guess so. Paul: Neither of us like Ross! Elizabeth: I like Ross. Ross: Ohhh! Kids! Rachel: (returning) Wait-wait-wait, I just thought of another story about how nice Ross is! Ross: That’s okay Rach, we’re not liking Ross right now. Rachel: Oh! I’ve got a lot of those too! Ending Credits [Scene: Mac’s Office, Mac is talking to C.H.E.E.S.E. about their case.] Joey: Well, it turns out you were right C.H.E.E.S.E. C.H.E.E.S.E.: The shipment never made it through Omaha? Joey: You got it! And the rabbi’s beard, 100% horsehair. Nice catch C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Pauses as he waits for C.H.E.E.S.E.’s next line.) It’s your line C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Suddenly C.H.E.E.S.E. goes crazy and starts flinging it’s arms and advancing on Joey behind the desk.) Wayne! Wayne!! (The camera cuts to Wayne who’s busy making out with Sarah and rubbing C.H.E.E.S.E.’s controller on her back causing C.H.E.E.S.E. to go crazy. Joey starts throwing books at C.H.E.E.S.E. to get him to stop.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x21 - The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth\u2019s Dad"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Story by: Brian Caldirola Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: (dejected) Hi, you guys. Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hi! Rachel: What’s the matter? Phoebe: Well it’s just—it’s one of those situations that I just hate. Y’know? A massage client gave me three tickets to the Helmet-Pelts exhibit at the Morgan Chase museum. Joey: (nodding knowingly) Now you’re thinking you gotta sleep with him. Phoebe: No! No! It’s just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us! Chandler: I’ll give up my ticket. Joey: Me too. Phoebe: Okay that’s so generous! Chandler: And I think Ross is generous too. Phoebe: Great! Okay then it’s just us girls! Monica and Rachel: (less than enthused) Great. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: So what-what is the exhibit. Phoebe: It’s mostly just photographs of lesbian love scenes interspersed with video games and free sandwiches. Joey: Oh man! (Hits Chandler) Ross: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey Ross listen Chandler got you out of going to the lesbian sandwich museum this weekend! Ross: Thanks? But I have plans; Elizabeth and I are going out of town. Monica: Oh that’s great! Ross: Yeah. Monica: I mean think about all the money that you’re gonna make! Ross: Why? What? Monica: Well, her father pays you for baby-sitting right? Ross: No, no, that’s funny. But maybe it’s time to move on, let it go, y’know? Stop it! Besides, Rachel is going out with Elizabeth’s father, so ah, he’s much older than she is. Looks like I’m not the only one interested in fossils, huh? Rachel: I mean Ross all that does is remind us that you are interested in fossils. Ross: Okay, okay. Uh, well uh, Rachel is going to need to yell sweet nothings (Paul enters) in his ear. (And walks up right behind Ross, and standard sitcom joke 2B follows with the person being insulted standing right behind the person doing the insulting while the rest of the people become frightened and try to warn the insulter about the insultee’s presence.) Chandler: Ross. Ross: Oh, come on you guys; that’s funny! Y’know? Because he’s need—he’s got like a hearing aide y’know, ‘cause-‘cause y’know, ‘cause he’s all old, and… (Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul then pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and tells the rest of the group that he’ll just be one second.) Paul: Okay look, Ross, just so you know that since Lizzie likes you so much, I’ve decided to accept the fact that you’re going out with her. Ross: Really? That okay, that’s great. Paul: Yeah. But then I changed my mind. I’m funny like that. So I told Lizzie, now I’m telling you, I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore. Ross: All right look, I-I realize it upsets you. Paul: Yes it does. Ross: But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and so I don’t think there’s really anything you can do about it. Paul: I’ll call the university and tell them about your relationship and have you fired. Ross: Ohh! A man with a plan! Opening Credits [Scene: A Dry Cleaners, Joey is there with Phoebe and is trying to get his picture put back amongst the other celebrities hanging on the walls.] Phoebe: Oh, this is so exciting! You get your picture back up on the wall of fame! Eek! Joey: I know. It was so cool when I was up there before. Me and Jim Belushi would just be crackin’ up about something… Then I get fired off of Days Of Our Lives and he takes me down. Now he’s just laughing at me. Look at him, that smug Belushi bastard, I’ll… Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh, okay maybe they put your picture back up they can put you next to Matt Lauer. Look at him, smiling at me. (Giggles) Yeah I know; we’d be great together! (The dry cleaner finishes with the customer in front of Joey and they approach the counter.) Joey: Hey! So I’m back. The Dry Cleaner: Who are you? Joey: Joey Tribbiani! From the wall! (The dry cleaner doesn’t remember) Okay, maybe this will jog your memory, huh? (Holds his picture up in front of his face.) Huh? Okay eh-ah-anyway, I’m ready to go back up on the wall I’m the star of a new TV show. The Dry Cleaner: (picking up a TV Guide) Show me in the table. Joey: Oh well, it’s not on TV yet. The Dry Cleaner: Well, then it’s not on the wall yet. Joey: Okay, fine, I will bring you a tape, huh? (Walks away) Phoebe: So umm, now do you have any of Matt Lauer’s clothes here? Maybe? Just ones that haven’t been cleaned yet? (The dry cleaner just stares at her and she retreats.) [Scene: The Morgan Chase Museum, the girls are entering.] Monica: Oh, I love museums! Rachel: Umm. Monica: Soakin’ up all the culture. Rachel: Yeah. Monica: Where do you want to start? Rachel: Ooh, the gift shop! Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: Hey, and then lunch. Rachel: Oh, wait yes, but I can’t eat too much. Paul is taking me out to dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned. Phoebe: Oh wow. What, do you think maybe he’s gonna tell you that he’s gay? Rachel: What?! No! Why?! Phoebe: No reason! That would just be a really big surprise, right? (A museum official enters with another man and woman.) The Museum Official: (to the couple) You can put the aisle over here (points), and put the wedding ceremony right over here. (Points.) Rachel: I didn’t know you could get married here. Monica: This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I wouldn’t put the aisle there and I would never have the ceremony there! (Points to both places.) I mean you’d have the ceremony under this big beautiful arch. (The arch at the entrance to the room.) The Museum Official: (To Monica) May I help you? Rachel: Oh sorry didn’t mean to interrupt. It’s just such a beautiful space; do you do a lot of weddings here? The Museum Official: Yes. We’re very popular. There’s a two-year waiting list. Sorry! (She kinda storms out with the couple.) Rachel: Monica, you should totally put your name down on the list Monica: What?! Are you crazy?! I’m not getting married! I’m not even engaged. Phoebe: Yeah, but there’s a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. That’s four years. Chandler’s not gonna wait that long. He’s gonna find somebody else, y’know? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.) Rachel: Yeah hon, it can’t hurt to put your name down! I mean in if two years if you’re not engaged you just don’t use it. Monica: Well, I mean I guess there is no harm in putting my name down. Rachel: I’m gonna do it too! Phoebe: Me too! Rachel: Really? Who would, who would you marry? Phoebe: I don’t know, I don’t have anyone right now. Y’know? Rachel: Oh Pheebs. Phoebe: Don’t feel too sorry for me. At least my boyfriend isn’t gay. Monica: Phoebe, that stuff is… Phoebe: Don’t even get me started on yours! [Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey is trying to get his picture up again.] Joey: (entering) Hey! So, did you watch the tape of my show? The Dry Cleaner: I did. Joey: All right, let’s get me back up there! (Holds out his picture.) The Dry Cleaner: No! It don’t go up on the wall! Joey: What—But you saw the show! The Dry Cleaner: Yes, it was very offensive to my people! Joey: Dry cleaners? The Dry Cleaner: Russians! It showed them as trrorists and villains! Joey: Okay! Okay, look! You-you-you got Harrison Ford up there! The Dry Cleaner: That’s right. Mr. Ford is a very good customer, he brings us a lot of clothes; you bring us nothing! Joey: Okay well that may be true. But, in-in okay, Air Force One the Russians were trrorists! And evil! And plus he kills a bunch of them! That-that-that’s offensive to Russians. The Dry Cleaner: I’ve never seen it! Joey: Oh you should, it’s great. (The Dry Cleaner stares at him and Joey retreats.) [Scene: A Cabin in the Woods, Elizabeth is giving Ross a tour.] Ross: This place is really beautiful! Elizabeth: Yeah, I’ve been coming here since I was a kid. This used to be my Grandma’s. Ross: Wow! The only thing I got from my Grandmother was her eyes. I mean not-not her actual eyeballs, but, but people say that my eyes—Do-do you want to make out? Elizabeth: Sure! (They fall to the couch and start to make out, but Ross stops suddenly.) Elizabeth: Are you okay? What’s wrong? Ross: Ehh, I was just, I was just thinking about your father. Elizabeth: Well, whatever works for ya… Ross: No. No-no uh, he just, he just really freaked me out before. Elizabeth: Oh. Well, so we have to hide our relationship from one more person. Big deal. Besides, it’s kinda fun hiding. Ross: Yeah. (They start making out again.) Elizabeth: (quietly) Hey umm, you brought protection right? Ross: (loudly) Why?! Are there like bears or something?! (Looks around and then sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no and realizes what Elizabeth meant.) Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot. Elizabeth: I’ll just run to the store and get some. Ross: Oh no! Hey-hey, I’m the guy! I’ll get it. Elizabeth: Do you know where the store is? Ross: No. Elizabeth: Do you want to ride around town on my little pink bicycle? Ross: A little bit. Elizabeth: (laughs) I’ll be back in ten minutes. Ross: Okay. Elizabeth: Why don’t you get in the hot tub and I’ll meet you there. Ross: Ohh, okay. (Elizabeth leaves and Ross starts to remove his clothing right there in the middle of the living room where someone can see him. Of course, someone almost does, but he hears a door opening and…) Rachel: (from another room) Oh my God, what a great surprise! This is such a beautiful house. (Ross with his pants around his ankles tries to run, but Dr. Geller forgets that he has his pants around his ankles and falls down trying to flee.) Paul: (To Rachel) Thank you, it’s my mom’s. So this is the kitchen. (Dr. Geller, the man with the Ph.D. in Paleontology, is trying to find a place to hide, but this supposedly intelligent man in the hands of clichéd scriptwriters runs around with his pants down around his ankles like one of the Three Stooges.) [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is reading the newspaper as the phone rings. He let’s the machine answer it.] Chandler: (on machine) You’ve reached Monica and Chandler’s, if you’re listening to this message, we’re probably screening. (to himself) Yeah we are. The Museum Official: (on phone) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. I’m calling for Monica Geller. I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she’s still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available… (Chandler runs to answer the phone.) Chandler: (on phone) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (Listens) Yes, the groom—No! Not the groom!! Commercial Break [Scene: Paul’s Cabin, Paul and Rachel are sitting on the couch drinking wine and talking.] Rachel: It’s so secluded up here. Paul: I know. I like it up here. Rachel: I feel like we’re the only two people in the world. (She sets down her wine class, picks up a walnut, and knocks another one on the floor.) Oops. Sorry. (She reaches down to pick it up and Ross hands it to her. Ross is hiding under the couch and causes Rachel to scream.) Paul: What’s the matter honey? Did you see a little mouse? Rachel: No-no! Big bear! Big bear outside! I think I-I—would you—actually, would you go check on that? Paul: Honey, we don’t have any bears here. Rachel: Well, okay. Would-would you get me a Diet Coke? Paul: Okay. I’ll be right back. (Gets up and heads for the kitchen.) Rachel: Okay. (After Paul leaves Rachel drops to the floor to confront Ross.) What?! What are you doing here?! Ross: What are you doing here?! Rachel: I came with Paul! Ross: Yeah, I recognize the ankles! Rachel: Get up! Paul: (entering) Here you go honey! (Rachel kicks Ross back under the couch.) Rachel: Ahh. Thank you! Paul: Diet Coke. (Hands her the glass.) Rachel: Op, ice. I need ice. Paul: Okay. Rachel: Thank you. Paul: I’ll be right back. (He goes to get the ice.) Ross: (under the couch) You and your ice. Rachel: Ugh! Get out! Get out! Go! Come on! (Ross gets up and heads for the kitchen.) No! Not in there! He’s in there! (She points Ross to the door next to the kitchen.) Ross: (before entering) Did you really hear a bear? Rachel: Go-go! Paul: (entering) Here you go honey. One Diet Coke with ice. Rachel: Ohh, thank you. Paul: I’m so happy that you’re here. Elizabeth: (entering) Here I am! Paul: (jumping up) Elizabeth! Oh look, Elizabeth’s here! Who are you talking to? Elizabeth: Uh, you guys? Paul: How did you know we were here? Elizabeth: Umm… Rachel: Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire tracks that were leading up to the closed garage. Elizabeth: Obviously. Paul: Elizabeth, what are you doing here?! (Motions that he brought Rachel here to be alone with her.) Rachel: Did-did you come up here to work on that term paper or something? Elizabeth: Yeah! Yep. Rachel: Well, why do y’know go in that room (points to the room Ross is in) and do your homework? Elizabeth: Ohh, I wouldn’t do it in there. That’s my dad’s bedroom. Rachel: That’s your, that’s your dad’s bedroom. (Yelling) That’s your dad’s bedroom! Paul: Why are you yelling? Rachel: Whoa, that Diet Coke just went straight to my head! Woo! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table staring at the phone as Monica enters.] Monica: Hi, honey. Chandler: (gets up) See you later. (Starts to leave.) Monica: What? I-I bought groceries, I was gonna make you dinner! Chandler: (angrily) Well next time ask! Or at least wait for me to ask! (He storms out.) (Monica puts the groceries down and goes to check the answering machine and hears.) The Museum Official: (on machine) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. I’m calling for Monica Geller. Monica: Oh no! The Museum Official: (on machine) I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she’s still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available… Monica: Oh please, he didn’t hear it! He didn’t hear it!! Chandler: (on machine) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (The machine beeps off.) Monica: NOOOO!!!!!!!! [Scene: The Dry Cleaner’s, Joey has brought in a bunch of laundry in another attempt to get his picture on the wall, but the dry cleaner isn’t working right now. Instead, a beautiful woman is working.] Female Clerk: Can I help you? Joey: Uh yeah, where-where’s the guy who decides who’s pictures go up on the wall? Female Clerk: He’s not here right now. Joey: Oh, you’re kidding me! All-all right, well make sure you tell him that Joey Tribbiani stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. Okay? I’m an actor; I’m kinda getting my picture up there on the wall. Female Clerk: Y’know, there are two people who could put your picture up there. (She makes eyes at him.) Joey: Oh really? Well, maybe you and I go out for drinks? (Pause) You’re the other one right? (She thinks about it for a second and nods yes.) [Scene: Paul’s Cabin, continued from earlier.] Paul: So Lizzie, are-are-are you planning on staying the night? Elizabeth: Oh no-no believe me, I’m leaving as soon as possible! Paul: Good. Good. Not that we don’t want you to stay, obviously you’re welcome—How much more homework do you have? Elizabeth: Ahh, I just have one problem left that I do not know how to solve. Uhh, Rachel maybe you want to come upstairs and help me figure it out? Rachel: Really? Okay. Okay, I-I’ll go upstairs. (to Paul) If-if you get me something from the car. Paul: What do you need from the car? Rachel: Surprise me. Paul: (whispering) Okay. (Starts for the car.) Rachel: (yelling) So you’re gonna be in the car, I will be upstairs, and that’s where everybody’s gonna be! (Rachel and Elizabeth go upstairs. Paul starts for the car, but notices his luggage is still out and decides to take in into the bedroom.) [Cut to his bedroom, Ross is listening at the door as Paul opens the door, trapping Ross behind it. With Paul’s back turned Ross coils up like a snake and slitters underneath the bed.] Paul: (standing in front of a mirror and to himself) Just relax. Just relax Paul, you’re doing great. (Ross moves a piece of luggage over so he can watch Paul.) She likes you. She… Maybe, she likes you. She likes you. Y’know why? Because you’re a (pause) neat guy. (Ross can’t believe what he’s hearing.) You are the man. You are (pause) the man! (He opens his shirt and looks at his chest.) I still got it. Nice and sexy. You’re just a love machine. (Starts singing) I’m just a love machine and I won’t work for nobody but you! Hey bab-y! (Flexes and grunts loudly.) Showtime. (Starts to leave and starts singing.) I’m just a love machine, yeah ba-by! (Grunts again and Ross is stunned.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica rushes in.] Monica: Phoebe! Phoebe: Yeah? Monica: Have you seen Chandler?! Phoebe: No! Why? Monica: The woman from the museum called and said that there was a cancellation and that we could move up our wedding and Chandler heard! (Phoebe gasps.) I know! How bad is this?! Phoebe: Well for the regular guy, it’s bad, but Chandler, Oh dear God! Monica: I know! I know! And he totally freaked out and I can’t find him anywhere! Phoebe: What are you gonna do? Monica: Well, I’m never gonna listen to you again, that’s for sure! (Mimicking her.) "Y’know, harm can it do if you go and put your name down?" Phoebe: Rachel said that! Monica: Well Rachel’s not here! (Runs out.) [Scene: The Dry Cleaner’s, Joey and Phoebe are entering to see if his picture is on the wall.] Phoebe: Oh! Here it is! (Noticing it next to the door.) Ooh, Joey! Why did you sign it, "Son of a bitch?" (Son of a bitch is written across the entire picture.) Joey: I didn’t do that! Who would’ve done that?! The Dry Cleaner: (entering) Son of a bitch! Phoebe: Okay, maybe ask this guy. The Dry Cleaner: You, get out of my shop! Phoebe: Well, what did he do? The Dry Cleaner: He went out with my wife! Phoebe: Joey! Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-I—Hey! I did not go out with your wife! (The same woman from before enters.) Okay? I went out with her! (Points at her.) The Dry Cleaner: That’s my wife!!! Get out! (Starts yelling at him in Russian, and I’m betting he’s not saying pleasant things about him.) Phoebe: Well, we should go. Joey: Yeah. [Scene: Paul’s Bedroom, Elizabeth is entering.] Elizabeth: Ross? Ross? Ross: Elizabeth! (He opens one of the bed stands that he has curled himself up into.) Okay. Okay. (She helps him out.) I’m gonna go out this window. (Points to the window next to him.) I’ll meet you at the front door. Just tell them you’re going home, okay? Elizabeth: Okay! Rachel: (yelling from the living room) Oh wait-wait-wait!! No! Don’t go in there! Don’t go in there! I need another soda! (Ross frantically starts to open the window as Paul enters and traps him halfway out the window.) Paul: Ross! Rachel: Oh my God Ross! What in heaven’s name are you doing here? Ross: (to Elizabeth) And that is why we cannot see each other anymore. Paul: Ross. You and I are going to have to have a little talk. Elizabeth: Daddy! Paul: You’re next!! Elizabeth: Okay. I didn’t know he was here. (Runs over to Rachel.) Paul: Let me just see if I got this straight. I tell you to stay away from my daughter or I’ll have you fired. What you heard was, "Take my daughter, come up to my country house, and ruin my weekend with Rachel!" Ross: Okay, please-please Paul, just let me explain… Paul: No, let me explain! Fired!! Ross: All right, fine! Fine! Have me fired! But uh, I want you to know that you and I are not all that different. I mean, I too am a neat guy. (Paul just looks at him.) Paul: (panicked) What? Ross: And I too am just a love machine. (Hums a little bit and mimics Paul’s flexing.) Paul: Ross, let me show you where the guest room is. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is pacing, waiting for Chandler to return. Chandler enters.] Monica: (going over to him) I’m so sorry. Please, stop freaking out. Chandler: I’m not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday. (Does one of those Chandler noises.) Monica: Honey, we were at this beautiful place, and I-I-I just put our names down for fun! I mean, what’s the harm in that? Chandler: Right here! (Clucks like a chicken for some reason.) Monica: Chandler, please don’t think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel… Chandler: Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way! Monica: It was a mistake. Please don’t take this to mean anything, because it doesn’t. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yes, if it really doesn’t mean anything, because you know that I’m just not ready… Monica: I know! I know. Chandler: Okay. (They hug.) Monica: I’m gonna go tell Joey that (laughs) that you’re back. I was really worried about you. (Exits.) Phoebe: (entering from her room) Hey, did she buy it? Chandler: Totally. Phoebe: So did Heldi show you the place? Chandler: Yeah, it’s beautiful. Phoebe: I can’t believe you’re gonna ask Monica to marry you! Chandler: I know. (They hug.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is going up to the counter.] Joey: Hey gn. gn: Hey! Take these cappuccinos to table 11 and that guy over there (points) wants the biscotti. Joey: Oh uh, well I just came in for a cup of coffee to go. gn: Do you still work here? Joey: No! No, I quit a long time ago. (Pause) Did I forget to you that one? I’m sorry. gn: Oh that’s cool, I was gonna f*re you anyway. Joey: Great! (Takes his coffee and leaves.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x22 - The One Where Paul\u2019s The Man"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is at the sink and Chandler is looking at a ring brochure.] Chandler: Pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I can’t figure this out! It’s so hard! Should I get her a (turning to each page) Tiffany cut or a Princess cut or a—ah-ah! Paper cut! Phoebe: Now, have you told anyone else? Chandler: No, I don’t want to tell anybody else because I don’t want Monica to find out. Phoebe: You told me. Chandler: Well, it’s because I trust you, you’re one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures. Phoebe: Yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. I only wish you hadn’t been on the toilet. Chandler: Me too. (Joey and Ross enter causing Chandler to quickly hide the brochure behind his back.) Joey: Hey. (Heads straight for the fridge.) Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! So Chandler, wanna go to the coffeehouse? Chandler: Oh all right. Phoebe: Yeah, coffeehouse. Ross: Oh perfect, we were just gonna see if you wanted to go. Chandler: Oh well, we don’t because we got…the…other pl-place. (Joey returns with a piece of pizza as Chandler and Phoebe exit.) Ross: How rude. Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. You wanna bite? (Holds his piece out for him.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: So how are things going with Paul? Rachel: Good. Although y’know, he-he’s a private guy. Y’know, I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings. Phoebe: That’s easy! You just have to think of him as a-as a jar of pickles that won’t open. Rachel: So what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table? Phoebe: No that’s what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone. Paul: (entering) Hi honey. Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: (To Rachel) Watch this. Paul: (To Rachel) How are you? Rachel: (To Phoebe) Okay. Phoebe: Hi Paul! Paul: Hi Phoebe. Phoebe: So how are things going with you? Paul: Can’t complain. (Phoebe turns to Rachel and mimes remove a lid of a jar. Ross enters and Paul motions for Rachel to leave with him now.) Paul: (whispering) Come on. Rachel: Okay. (Gets up and starts to leave with Paul.) Paul: (To Ross) Hey! Ross: Hi! (They shake hands and their lines overlap.) Paul: Ross! Ross: Great to see you! Paul: Good to see you too! Ross: How you doing? Paul: Good. Bye! (Starts to leave.) Ross: Okay! You take care! (Ross turns his back on Paul and makes a ‘I hate that guy’ face. Paul does the same thing.) Ross: Hey Pheebs, what-what was the deal with you and Chandler blwing us off before? Phoebe: Yeah! That was so weird, huh? Ross: Phoebe, why’d you do it? Phoebe: I didn’t do it! It was Chandler! He’s… He’s mad at you! Ross: What?! Why?! Phoebe: Please, I think you know why. Ross: I can’t think of anything. Phoebe: Come on Ross, you’re a paleontologist, dig a little deeper. Ross: Wait a minute, is it because Joey and I didn’t invite him to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago? Phoebe: Do you think that’s something that he’d be mad at you for? Ross: I guess it could. Phoebe: Well then I think that’s it. Ross: Well, if he’s angry, he really shouldn’t just cover it up. I-I wish he would just tell me the truth. Phoebe: Oh, if that’s what you want you then you really should run his head under hot water and bang his head against a table. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul and Rachel are getting ready to go out. Paul is entering from the bathroom.] Paul: Honey I made a reservation at China Garden, is that okay? Rachel: Yeah that’s great. But first, wait, talk to me, talk to me. Tell me about your day. Paul: It was fine. Rachel: Okay. Hey, what are you thinking? What are you thinking right now? Paul: I’m thinking that you are looking really fine it that dress. Rachel: Yeah that’s great Paul, but y’know I wanna know what—(Puts her hands on his shoulders)—Wow, those are really great! I just wanna know what, what is behind this-this strong, silent exterior. Y’know they say that still waters run deep and I wanna swim in yours. Paul: Are you talking about having sex? Rachel: No Paul, I don’t know anything about you! Y’know, like-like your childhood! Tell me about your childhood! Paul: Normal. Rachel: Okay, well then how about puberty! Come on, that’s always a painful time! Y’know your friends invite you to a slumber party and then they stick your hand in warm water while you’re sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping bag. Paul: Nope! That never happened to me! Rachel: Well, you’re lucky you never met that bitch Sharon Majesky. Anyway, umm… The rest of you life, y’know? Any regrets? Paul: Nope. Rachel: All right Paul, I’m not asking for a lot here. Okay? Just give me something. Anything! Paul: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Paul: Okay. Rachel: All right. Paul: When I was six years old. Rachel: Hm-mmm. Paul: I wanted a big wheel. And instead my parents got me this little plastic chicken that you hop around on. It was embarrassing; kids made fun of me. That was a pretty tough year. Rachel: That’s-that’s great! See? I already feel like I know you a little better! Thank you. Okay, come on. Now we can go eat. Let’s go. (Gets up to leave, but Paul doesn’t move.) Paul: It was horrible. They called me chicken boy. Rachel: Oh! [Time Lapse, Paul is now weeping uncontrollably in Rachel’s arms.] Paul: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasn’t really a fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little scare right here (points to it) you can see it. Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, I-I-I see the scare. Listen, Paul, I think this is really great that-that y’know, you shared your feelings. It’s really, it’s beautiful, but umm, what do you say we go share some food? Paul: Oh, I couldn’t eat now. Rachel: What?! Wait! What are you talking about?! You love their Kung Pao Chicken! Paul: Chicken? (Pointing to himself.) Chicken boy! Rachel: My God, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! I wouldn’t do that! (Paul screams like a chicken and breaks down into tears again.) [Scene: A Jewelry Shop, Chandler and Phoebe are looking at engagement rings.] Chandler: Nothin! This is the nine millionth ring store we’ve been too and I can’t find the perfect ring! (Goes over to another display counter and starts pointing at rings.) Ugly ring! Ugly ring! Ugly ring! (Notices that one of the jewelers is watching him.) It’s a beautiful selection. (The jeweler walks away slowly.) Phoebe: Okay, so maybe you don’t get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do something different. Y’know? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, y’know? Or an engagement tiara? Or—ooh! An engagement Revolutionary wr musket! (Picks one up from the display in the corner. Chandler: Y’know, I’m so glad I picked you to help me with this. Phoebe: Huh? Can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of wapon? Chandler: Yeah, I’m gonna stick with the ring. (Goes to another display counter.) Oh, this one’s nice! (Pointing to another ring.) I like this one! Sir? Uh, kind sir? Can I see this one? Phoebe: (coming over after returning the musket) Wait a minute, no, this is, this is the reason you brought me. Okay? I know how to haggle. So let me handle this from here on out. Male Jeweler: Can I help you? Chandler: Uh-uh, yes. I would like to see that ring please. Phoebe: Or not, whatever. Male Jeweler: This ring is from the 1920s, it’s a one and a half carat diamond with sapphires on either side. Chandler: Sir, can I ask you to umm, could you…hold out that ring and ask me to marry you? Male Jeweler: Okay. (Holds out the ring, deadpan.) Will you marry me? Chandler: (choking up) Oh my God that’s it, that’s the ring! How much is it? Phoebe: Chandler, I-I will handle this! (To the jeweler) How much is it? Male Jeweler: 8,600. Phoebe: We will give you $10. Male Jeweler: (angrily) Are you interested in this ring?! Chandler: Yes! Yes, but I can only pay $8,000. Male Jeweler: Okay, I can let it go at eight. Phoebe: We stand firm at $10. Male Jeweler: (ignoring her) How would you like to pay? Chandler: Uh, credit card. (Reaches for it then realizes) Oh no! No-no, but I left my credit card with Joey. (To Phoebe) Okay, I’ll go get it. You guard the ring. Phoebe: Okay. (To the jeweler) Listen, I’m sorry about before. Do you have anything her for $10. Male Jeweler: Uh yes, I have these two rather beautiful $5 bills. (Holds them up from his pocket.) Phoebe: I’ll give you $1 for them. [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Joey are there.] Ross: Hey, remember how Chandler and Phoebe blew us off yesterday? Joey: No. Ross: Remember? You-you were eating pizza. Joey: Yeah. Ross: Okay. Well, apparently Chandler’s angry at us for not getting him a ticket to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago. Joey: Oh, we’re supposed to just get him a ticket?! That guy is always mooching off of us! Ross: Yeah! Anyway, I-I still think we should try to patch things up, y’know? Like uh, maybe we could get him to get tickets to another Knicks game and invite him. Joey: Oh wow that’s a great idea! And I still have his credit card. gn: (handing them the bill) Here you go. Ross: Oh. (Starts to get his money) Joey: Hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here you go. (Hands gn Chandler’s card.) Y’know I gotta tell ya, sometimes I just—I don’t get Chandler. Y’know, me and him do stuff all the time without you and you don’t get all upset. Ross: All the time? Joey: All the time! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Monica: Still crying? Rachel: Like a little girl. I know. I know. I know. This is all my fault; I wanted him to open up. But God, I didn’t know that I was gonna unleash this-this weepy, clingy, moist monster! Monica: Y’know, I only know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex. Rachel: What’s the other one? Monica: I don’t know, I’ve never had to use the other one. I’m just saying y’know, if we’re having sex, he’s not gonna be talking. Rachel: Oh that’s right. You’re the talker. (They both reflect on that briefly) Anyway uh, great idea! Umm, I gotta go to the store; I told him that I would buy him some more tissues. Monica: Oh, we have some… Rachel: No you don’t! [Scene: The Jewelry Store, Phoebe is busy trying on virtually everything in the store. She’s got earrings, rings, bracelets, and enough necklaces to put Mr. T to shame on.] Phoebe: Okay umm, I’d also like to try on the tiara. (The male jeweler hands it to her.) Oh yeah. Okay. (Puts it on.) (To the jeweler) What do you think, too much? Male Jeweler: A tad. Phoebe: Okay. Then, take the tiara back and let me hold the musket again. (He hands it to her and Phoebe poses in front of one of those small mirrors.) Something’s missing. It’s not… Okay oh, let me see the ring my friend picked out. Male Jeweler: (to the female jeweler) Where’s the 1920s princess cut ring. Female Jeweler: I just sold it to that gentleman. (Points to the one walking out the store.) Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She runs after him, but sets of the security system, which locks the store’s door and brings down a set of bars behind her, caging her in.) No! What?! Help me! Let me out! Now! (Points the musket at them.) Commercial Break [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul is still crying as Chandler enters.] Paul: Rachel? Chandler: No. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look for his credit card.) Paul: (acting manly to try and cover up his crying) Okay. Chandler, did your dad ever hug you? Chandler: No, did he hug you?! Paul: No! No! It’s just that, my dad never did. I miss my dad. Chandler: Well, you can see my dad in Vegas kissing other dads. Paul: Hey Chandler? Chandler: Yeah? Paul: Would you…….Would you hug me? Chandler: I’m a little busy here Paul. Paul: That’s exactly what my dad used to say! (Starts to breakdown again.) Chandler: Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it out. (Paul rushes over and hugs Chandler tightly.) Oh hey! There you go. (The hug continues.) Okay. (The hug continues.) Paul: Five more seconds. Chandler: Okay! (Pushes him away.) Joey: (entering) Hey! Paul: Joey! (Goes over and hugs Joey and picks him off of his feet.) Joey: Whoa-whoa-hey-hey! (Motions to Chandler, "What’s going on?") Hi, Paul is it? (Paul nods yes and still hugging Joey.) Chandler: Do you have my credit card? Joey: Yes, it’s in my… In…in my pocket. (Paul hasn’t dropped him yet.) (Chandler starts to reach for his front pocket.) My back pocket! My back pocket! Chandler: Thank God! (Grabs his card.) Joey: Oh hey listen I got us tickets to a Knicks game tonight. Chandler: Oh, I can’t go. Joey: Come on! It’ll be fun! Me, you, and Ross, and… Paul probably… [Scene: The Jewelry Store, Chandler is entering with his credit card and Phoebe is holding out another ring for him.] Phoebe: Chandler, I found the perfect ring. (Holding it out for her.) Chandler: Oh, that’s uh, that’s pretty nice but I’m gonna go with the one I picked first. Phoebe: Oh my God Chandler, the one you picked is gone. It’s over! Chandler: What? Phoebe: Some guy bought it. I’m sorry. I tired to stop it but they (points to the jeweler) put me in jail! Chandler: They put you in jail? Phoebe: The little jail between the doors! Chandler: Phoebe, I asked you to guard the ring! Phoebe: I know, I’m sorry! But y’know, this ring is better! Monica never even saw the other ring. Chandler: Yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring I got goose bumps. Phoebe: Maybe it was the guy. Chandler: It was the ring! [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch and Joey is entering.] Ross: Hey! So uh, was he excited about the tickets? Joey: No! He blew us off! Ross: What?! Joey: I know! Ross: I can’t believe it. (Pause) Can I tell you something? I’m a little mad at him now. Joey: Can I tell you something? Me too. Ross: Y’know what? He didn’t want to talk to us about being angry, well maybe we don’t talk to him at all! Joey: Ooooh! Freeze him out. Ross: That’s right! Joey: I like it! Ross: Eh? We’ll show him! Joey: From now on, it’s gonna be Joey and Ross, best friends. (They shake hands.) Okay! We’re gonna be the new Joey and Chandler. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul is writing something as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi. I’m back. Paul: Hey! I have so much more to tell ya, I’ve written it all down! Rachel: Ah that’s great. No actually that’s… (In a sexy voice) That’s great! That’s really great! Y’know, I gotta tell ya writing, I mean writing, gets me uh, gets me kinda hot. Paul: Wait! Wait! Listen! Listen to this! (Flips a couple pages and points to something.) Y’know what I wanted to be when I was that age? Rachel: A lover? Paul: A surfer. Rachel: Oh yeah surfer? Paul: I wanted to be one with the waves, y’know? Rachel: Okay, hold on real quick, hold on a second let me just uh, (sits on the counter and buttons her sweater to show some cleavage) get a little more comfortable here. Wait, now wait a second, this isn’t too revealing is it? Paul: (barely glancing at her) No. What ever happened to that little dude. (Pause) So full of dreams… Rachel: I don’t care about the little dude! I can’t! I cannot listen to anymore of this! Y’know, the only person who would want to listen to this is a mental health professional! And then it’s only because they get paid $100 an hour! Do you know how much money I could’ve made listening to you? $2,000! And do you know when I figured that out? While you were talking! Paul: What?! I can’t believe you’re trying to stifle me! When just 14 hours ago we figured out that that is exactly what my mother was trying to do to me! Rachel: Oh… I’m sorry. I… I-I don’t mean—I didn’t mean to stifle you. I… This is all just a little overwhelming. Paul: Oh Rachel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. It’s just that, when those gates open, you… (Starts to breakdown.) Hard to close ‘em. But they are closed now. Believe me. Rachel: I’m so glad, I’m so glad you shared. (Feeling his shoulder.) And I’m glad that you’re done. What do you say we umm… (Nods in the direction of the bedroom.) Paul: I would really like that. (They kiss.) [Scene: Rachel’s Bedroom, Paul and Rachel are recovering.] Paul: That was…so good. (Starts crying again.) [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the ring he bought and not liking it.] Phoebe: (entering from her room) Hey. Chandler: I can’t believe I let you talk me into buying this stupid gumball machine looking ring! Phoebe: It’s not a stupid gumball machine looking ring! It’s a beautiful ring! Chandler: No, it’s not! When I looked at the other ring I could see Monica’s face when I gave it to her, y’know? And I could see her saying yes. When I look at this ring, all I see is a ring! Unless I look at it really closely and then I can see my own eye. (Does so and laughs.) Look, this is the most important thing I’m gonna do in my life. I wanna make sure it’s perfect. Phoebe: Okay. There may be a way that we can get the other ring back. ‘Cause I heard the guy tell the jeweler where he was going to propose. So maybe we can get him to trade rings or something. Chandler: I can’t do that. Phoebe: Well you certainly can’t give her that stupid gumball ring. [Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler and Phoebe are entering. This is the place where the guy who bought Chandler’s ring is going to propose.] Phoebe: There he is! (Points.) Chandler: Okay and he hasn’t proposed yet because she has no ring on her finger. Phoebe: Wow! You’re good! After this, we should solve crimes. Chandler: Yeah! Okay, go, go, go get him. Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks over to him.) Excuse me sir? Could you come with me please? You have a phone call. Customer: Who is it? Phoebe: It is your office. Customer: Do you know who at my office? Phoebe: John? Customer: Oh John! Great! (She brings him over to Chandler.) Phoebe: (To Chandler) Here he is. Chandler: (to him) Hi! Hi. Okay, there was a slight mix-up at the jewelry store, the ring you’re about to propose with was supposed to be held for me. So, I’m gonna need to have that back. (The guy isn’t sure.) But, in exchange I’m willing to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring. (Looking at the ring.) Ew. Phoebe: Wow! I would trade. Customer: It is beautiful, but I’m gonna use this one. Now, if you’ll excuse me. Chandler: No-no! This is my fiancee (Phoebe) and her heart was set on that ring. You don’t want to break her heart now do you? Phoebe: Yeah, do you want to break a dying woman’s heart? Customer: You’re dying?! (Phoebe coughs.) Chandler: Yeah, she’s dying… Of a cough apparently. Phoebe: Yes, and it is my dying wish to have that ring. See, if I’m not buried with that ring then my spirit is going to wander the nether world for all eternity… Chandler: (interrupting her) Okay, that’s enough honey! Customer: I don’t know. (Pause) Let me see the ring. Chandler: Great! Okay, here. (Holds the ring up for him.) Customer: (looks at it) All right. (Exchanges rings.) Chandler: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! (To his girlfriend) And you are about to marry a wonderful man! (She stunned and he’s horrified.) Hey! I’m marrying a dad woman! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are watching TV as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Guys? (They ignore him.) I’ve got something important to tell ya. (Still nothing so he walks over and stands in front of the TV.) Guys? (They lean over to try and watch the TV, Chandler mimics them.) Guys?! (Pause) I’m gonna ask Monica to marry me. Joey: (To Ross) I think we gotta end the freeze out. Ross: Wait a minute, is this, is this for real? Chandler: Yeah, check out the ring. (Shows it to them.) Joey: Oh my God!! Ross: So you two are really serious?! Chandler: Yep, pretty much. Ross: You-you’re gonna get married?! I mean… We’re gonna be brothers-in-law! (They hug.) Joey: And-and-and-and-and-and, and we’re gonna be friends again! Chandler: (goes to hug him and stops short) Heyyyy—What? Joey: Oh it’s water under the bridge, forget it! Chandler: Okay! (They hug.) I was gonna wait ‘til uh, it was official y’know? But I got so excited I just had to tell you guys because you’re my best friends. Joey: I think I’m gonna cry! Rachel: (who has just entered) Ugh! No more crying! Please! I just dumped one cry baby, I’ll dump you too! (Ross and Joey urge Chandler to tell Rachel.) Chandler: I’m gonna ask Monica to marry me. Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh Chandler!! (Hugs him.) You guys are gonna be so happy! Chandler: I know. Joey: (holding an empty tissue box) Where’s all the tissues?! (Throws the box down in disgust.) Ending Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Chandler is showing Rachel the ring.] Chandler: Check out the ring. Rachel: (gasps) Nice! One and a half carat easy. Phoebe: (entering) Hi. Ross: Hey-hey Pheebs! Phoebe: What? Ross: Chandler’s gonna ask Monica to marry him! Phoebe: Oh I know, I helped pick out the ring. (Chandler laughs, turns, and sees that Ross and Joey aren’t happy.) Ross: You told her before you told us? Chandler: Well, she walked in when I was looking at the ring brochures. You can understand that, right? (Ross and Joey look at each other and go back to watching the game on TV.) Guys? Guys? (Walks in front of them again.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x23 - The One With The Ring"}	foreverdreaming
Part I Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri Part II Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Parts I and II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe his engagement ring again.] Ross: God that is the most beautiful engagement ring ever! Rachel: Yeah? Well, you should know. You’ve bought like a billion of ‘em. Ross: Yeah, you didn’t get one. Chandler: Okay, well tonight’s the big night. Phoebe: Yeah! Joey: Okay listen, how are you gonna ask her? Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I’m going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I’m just gonna propose. Rachel: Ohh… Joey: That sounds perfect! Chandler: Yeah. Joey: You’re gonna mess it up let me do it. Chandler: I’m not gonna mess it up. Phoebe: If she says no, can I have the ring? Chandler: She’s not gonna say no. Phoebe: If! Monica: (entering) Hey! Ross: Hey! (Monica’s entrance makes Phoebe try to hide the ring by putting it in her mouth.) Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: (with her mouthful) Hi Monica. (Monica goes into her room.) Chandler: (To Phoebe) Give me it! Phoebe: It’s gone. Chandler: Phoebe! (She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.) Joey: Hey! Chandler: (with his mouthful) Hi Monica. (She goes into the bathroom.) Phoebe: (To Chandler) We’re practically kissing. (Makes a kissy face and winks at him.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey Rach! Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler? Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler can’t go. We’re going to dinner remember?! Rachel: Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Monica: What’s the big deal? Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesn’t remember where we’re going. Joey: Where are you going? (Chandler stares at him.) Rachel: How about you guys? (Points to Phoebe and Joey.) Phoebe: Open bar? Rachel: I think so. Phoebe: I can do that for the kids. Joey: Hey, y’know what? I’ll come too. I’m making money now; it’s about time I give something back. Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me. Joey: Okay. Have a benefit. Ross: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Ross, listen can you come to a charity event tonight? Ross: Oh no, I have plans with Elizabeth. Chandler: Oh, so you’re already doing your part for the kids. Ross: I’m sorry, it’s just one of my last nights together before she leaves for camp—to be a counselor! Monica: Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going? Chandler: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn’t agree to that! Monica: Do you really see this as a long-term thing? Ross: I don’t know. Phoebe: Y’know, you are 12 years older than her. Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way? All: Yeah! Yeah, sort of. I’m sorry. Ross: Uh-uh—Wow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesn’t really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, I’m the one dating Elizabeth, not you! Joey: That’s not what she said last night. (Ross glares at him.) Rachel: See? Now, he could date her. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is practicing proposing.] Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gn with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) What’s going on little elves? Joey: It’s the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck! Ross: Yeah, yeah you have the ring? Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh! Oop! (Hands him back the ring.) Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she’s gonna know. Ross: (to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here! (Monica enters from the bedroom.) Monica: Hi guys. Chandler: (To Monica) You look beautiful. Monica: Oh, thank you! (The gng exhibits signs of quiet apprehension and wears knowing glances.) (Monica giggles.) What’s going on? Rachel: (breaking up) We’re just really…very excited about this charity event that we have to go to. [Scene: The Charity Event, they’re holding a silent auction, Rachel is looking at one of the items and Phoebe walks up and hands her a glass of wine.] Phoebe: Here. Rachel: Oh! Thank you! Phoebe: So now what’s going on here? Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it. Phoebe: No, I know what a silent is I meant, what’s going on with your hair? Rachel: (suddenly worried) Uh, wh-why? Phoebe: No! It’s nice! (Rachel’s boss, Mr. Thompson walks up.) Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you Rachel. Rachel: Oh, hi! Mr. Thompson: So glad you brought someone. Rachel: Someone? I brought people. Mr. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr. Thompson. (She introduces them.) He’s the head of my department. Phoebe: Oh, hi. (They shake hands.) Rachel: And I also brought my friend Joey… Joey: (behind them) Oh!! Shrimp toast! (Walks right past the little group on his way for the shrimp toast.) Rachel: Well, y’know I-I don’t know where he is. Mr. Thompson: Well, I hope you’re gonna bid on some things Rachel. Rachel: Well, y’know what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris. Mr. Thompson: Ohh, nice choice. Rachel: Yeah. Mr. Thompson: Good luck. Rachel: Thank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away and after he’s left.) Okay, (writing her bid down) twenty dollars. [Scene: Elizabeth’s Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room.] {Transcriber’s Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named in the credits, but not in this scene. So I’m just gonna guess since it doesn’t matter one way or the other. (The last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I got it right or not?)} Zoe: Shut the door! Shut the door!! (Runs over and closes the door.) Ross: What’s-what’s going on? Elizabeth: The guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us. Ross: Oh, you have to call the police! That’s what I did to the kids in my building! Elizabeth: No, it’s a water balloon fight! We started it! Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, it’s supposed to be excellent. The director is the same… Elizabeth: (ignoring him and picking up a pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes? Sarah: (approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put them in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight and start drinking from the balloons.) Elizabeth: (To Ross) You want some?! (Starts to squirt the Kamikaze at him.) Ross: No! Okay! Okay! (Stops her.) Okay, look, can I, can I just-just talk to you for a second? Elizabeth: Yeah, sure. Ross: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think? It’s-it’s gotten great reviews! Y’know the uh… (Suddenly the door opens and two guys come rushing in wielding water balloons.) First Dorm Guy: attck! (They start lobbing the balloons in. Ross desperately tries to get out of the line of fre but is struck in the back. The girls all retreat to relative safety behind the couch.) Second Dorm Guy: Put your balloons down! The Girls: You put your balloons down!! First Dorm Guy: You put your balloons down!! (Both opposing camps start screaming at each other to drop their wapon and surrender. Finally, Ross steps in as a mediator.) Ross: (screaming) Everybody put their balloons down!!! (There is a temporary cease fre.) Now this is a nice suit!! (Shows everyone where he was ht.) [Scene: The Charity Event, Mr. Thompson is announcing the winners of the silent auction.] Mr. Thompson: Our next item is the romantic trip to Paris. (Pause.) It goes to Emil Alexander high a high bid of 2,300. Rachel: Ugh! So close! (Phoebe returns a with a tray full of different kinds of drinks.) Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: I got me some drinks! Rachel: What are you doing? Phoebe: Open bar! Rachel: Well now it’s an empty bar. Phoebe: You just can’t stand anyone else enjoying themselves can’t you? Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentleman’s day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! (Joey suddenly gets excited.) Joey: I won! That was my guess! Rachel: What?! What?! What?! Joey: I guessed 20,000! Rachel: Joey! It is an auction! You don’t guess, you buy! Joey: What?! I don’t have 20,000! Mr. Thompson: Congratulations on your new boat, Joey Tribbiani!! (Everyone applauds and he stands up slowly.) Rachel: Joey! Sit down! (Pulls him down.) Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.] [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his pockets until he finds what he’s looking for and sighs in relief.] Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (It’s a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.) Monica: Are you okay? Chandler: Yes! Yes! I’m good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything—are you—are you perrr-perfect?! Monica: Yeah. I’m okay. I’m actually—I’m a little cold, can I have your jacket? Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you can’t have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you should’ve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay? Monica: (laughs) Are you sure you’re okay? Chandler: Yes! I’m fine. In fact I’ve been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you. Monica: Ohh that’s sweet! Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldn’t imagine growing old with… (As he’s talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant. Let’s see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.) Monica: (interrupting him) Oh my God! Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it. Monica: Oh my God, Richard. (Yep, Richard’s back.) Chandler: What?! I’m Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, that’s Richard! Monica: Oh God, maybe he won’t see us. Richard! (Monica smiles then acts shocked. Chandler can’t believe she just did that.) Richard: (approaching them with a woman in tow) Monica! Chandler! Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I don’t know why I did that! Monica: Hey, it’s good to see you! Richard: You too, you let uh, your hair grow long. Monica: Yeah—Oh that’s right. You, you always wanted me too. Hey, I see you got your mustache back. Richard: Well, my nose got lonely. Chandler: (to Richard’s date) And uh, you don’t have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) I’m Chandler; I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable. Richard’s Date: Hi, I’m Lisa. Chandler: Hi. Richard: Oh, I’m sorry. (Introduces them.) Lisa, (nodding at each) Monica, Chandler. We used to date. Chandler: Richard! No one supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did it again. Monica: Chandler, wh-why don’t we sit down? Chandler: Yeah, I’ll sit down. (He slides back into his chair.) Monica: (to Richard) It’s good to see you Matire'd: (to Richard) You’re table’s ready sir. Richard: Oh. Good to see you guys. Chandler: Yes. (Thinking he’s gone.) Matire'd: (motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandler’s) Or if you prefer, this table is available. Richard: That might be fun. (Richard and Lisa sit down.) Commercial Break [Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting at their table.] Rachel: What were you thinking?! Joey: I didn’t know it was an auction! Rachel: Wh?! Joey: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat! Rachel: Why would a charity give away a free boat?! Joey: I don’t know! Charity? Rachel: Ugh! Phoebe: Well, just buy the damn boat! (She’s still working her way through her tray of booze.) Rachel: Phoebe, don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink? Phoebe: I’m just helping the kids! Rachel: How is you drinking helping the kids? Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink. Mr. Thompson: (approaching) Mr. Tribbiani. Joey: Oh hi! Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center. Joey: Just out of curiosity, how-how much is that boat worth? Mr. Thompson: I think it was valued at 19,000 Joey: (To Rachel) Hey, I was pretty close. (She just glares at him.) Uhh, so bad news. Umm, I can’t buy the boat, I don’t have any money. (Mr. Thompson looks shocked and at Rachel, she suddenly starts laughing.) Rachel: Joey! Joey, good one! (Mr. Thompson starts to laugh.) Mr. Thompson: That’s good. Very good! (Walks away.) (After he’s left, Rachel stops laughing and glares at Joey again.) Joey: So uh listen, I think I’m gonna take off now. (Starts to get up.) Rachel: (stopping him) Hey! You…can’t…leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kll me! Joey: Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I don’t have that kind of money! Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what we’re gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you’re just gonna pay the difference. Joey: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Joey: Look, I don’t know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Y’know? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine! Rachel: Not great. [Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandler’s and Richard and Lisa’s tables have been pushed together and they’re all eating and talking.] Monica: And so, we’re hiding in the bathroom. Richard: And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in. Monica: So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know they’re going at it right on the bathroom floor. Lisa: (laughing) Oh my God! {Transcriber’s Note: For further reading on the above story, please check out The One Where Joey Moves Out.} Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy. (An awkward silence ensues.) Richard: It’s so great seeing you guys again. I’d like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, "In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds it’s morning and is refreshed." Monica: Ohh. Chandler: What?! (They all drink.) [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them.] Ross: Oh my God, you guys!! (He’s excited about what he thought happened.) Chandler: (stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner! Ross: Who? Chandler: Richard! Ross: What? (Excited) A-ohh! (Realizes) Ohh. Oh that’s right that’s right. That’s Richard’s favorite place too. Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good! Monica: I thought you were going out with Elizabeth. Ross: Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight. Monica: Oh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have commitments they just can’t get out of! Ross: Y’know, maybe she is too young for me. Y’know, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don’t know what to do. Monica: Why don’t you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean that’s what I did when I first (looks at Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff. Ross: Okay umm, bad stuff. Well, I’m-I’m 12 years older than she is. Monica: If the school finds out you’re fired. Ross: Hmm. Monica: She’s leaving for three months. Chandler: For camp! Ross: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well she’s-she’s sweet and pretty and… Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, "Do you see a future?" I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didn’t you?! Ross: No! No! I…didn’t do that. It’s just… Okay, honestly no. I don’t, I don’t see a big future with her. Monica: Okay well I think…that’s your answer. Ross: I’ve got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part. Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you’re not careful you may not get married at all this year! [Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table as Joey approaches.] Joey: Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest bidder is at table one. Rachel: Oh great! Joey: (To Phoebe) Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four. Phoebe: Oh, okay. Rachel: (To Phoebe) Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip? Phoebe: It’s a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy she’s wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.) Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table? Emil Alexander: That was me. Phoebe: Oh, enchantée. (She holds out her hand for him to kiss it, but he only shakes it.) [Cut to Joey and Rachel approaching table one.] Joey: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table? Mr. Bowmont: That’s me. Joey: Ahh, yes. (Pushes Rachel in front of himself so that she could do the talking.) Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000. Joey: You-you have to pay that! It’s not just a guess. Rachel: (To Joey) Okay. Okay. (Shushes him.) Mr. Bowmont: I was actually relieved uh I didn’t win the boat. My wife would’ve klled me. Rachel: Ohh… Joey: Are you kidding me?! She’s gonna this boat! Rachel: Y-Yeah! What-what is your wife’s name? Mr. Bowmont: It’s Pam. Rachel: Pam! Oh God okay, just imagine this, "The Pam." Joey: Aw-awww! Mr. Bowmont: I don’t think she’d like that. Rachel: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, "The Mr. Bowmont." Joey: Oooooh… Mr. Bowmont: I don’t think so dear. Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are settin’ sail up the Hudson! You’ve got the wind in your h—(sees that he’s bald)—arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that you’ve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin’! You can—ooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when you’re old, Cappy. Mr. Bowmont: What the hell, it’s for a good cause! All right! Joey: No way! It’s mine!! Rachel: (To Joey) What?! What?! Joey: All that stuff you just said? I want that! Rachel: But Joey you don’t have $20,000! Joey: Who cares?! I-I’ll make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont!! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.] Joey: Oh my God, you’re back! Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! (Chandler is frantically trying to wave them off.) Monica: Why do you want to see my hand? Phoebe: I wanna see what’s in your hand. I wanna see the trash. Joey: Yeah. (Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and Phoebe start to examine the trash.) Phoebe: Eww! Oh, it’s all dirty. You should throw this out. Monica: (suspiciously) Okay. (Exits to carry out Phoebe’s wishes.) Chandler: (after the door closes) What did you guys just do?! Phoebe: What happened? Chandler: Richard was there so I couldn’t do it! Joey: What?! Noooo… (Phoebe gasps.) Chandler: I’m gonna do it tomorrow y’know, and-and surprise her, but now you’ve ruined it! Joey: We didn’t ruin it! Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a person’s hands?! Phoebe: Well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor… Joey: Glove salesman! Phoebe: Good one! Yeah. Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do? Phoebe: Look, she only suspects something okay? She doesn’t know for sure, so just throw her off the track. Chandler: That’s right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind. Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that you’re scared of commitment! Convince her that you’re a little coward! Chandler: I can do that, I’ve had 30 years of practice. Joey: Hey, being you is finally gonna pay off! (They give each other fives.) Monica: (entering) I had to go all the way to the basement because some idiot keeps stuffing the trash chute with pizza boxes! Joey: That guy’s still doing that?! Rachel: (entering) Hey! (Sees Monica, gasps, and runs over to her.) Oh my God you’re here, let me see your hand!! Phoebe: No, you’re too late!!! She already took out the trash!!! [Scene: Outside of Elizabeth’s dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with her and we can hear his thoughts.] Ross: (in his head) Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about it! She didn’t seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge mistake? Elizabeth: (sticking her head out her window) Ross! Wait! Ross: Elizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking about… Elizabeth: You suck!! Ross: What?! (She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the waist with another one.) Ross: Okay, break-up’s still on! [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch.] Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn’t want to get married? Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each other.) I never noticed that before. Monica: (entering) Hi guys! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Monica: What are you up too? Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin’ about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you. Joey: (laughs) Yeah, Big Brother. Monica: Well that’s a little crazy. Although I am y’know glad to hear that you’re branching out on what you look at on the Internet. Chandler: Yeah, well… Y’know, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh? Monica: Why?! To celebrate your relationship! To solidify your commitment! To declare your love for one another to the world! Chandler: Eh… Monica: Okay well that’s good to know. (We hear the backup horn of a truck and see through the window that the Mr. Bowmont has arrived.) Joey: (all excited) The Mr. Bowmont’s here!!! (Jumps over the back off the couch and runs out into the street.) [Scene: Monica’s Restaurant’s kitchen, she’s cooking as a waitress sticks her head in.] Waitress: Hey Monica, there’s a customer who wants to complement the chef, should I let him in? Monica: Sure, I love this part! (Starts to look busy.) Waitress: (to the customer) Come on in. (The customer turns out to be…) Richard: Hi! Monica: Richard! Richard: Actually, I’m not here to complement the chef. Monica: Ohh… Oh, that’s okay I hate when people come back to complement the chef. Like I have nothing better to do! So what’s up? Richard: Well, it was great seeing you the other night. Monica: Oh, good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me that? Richard: No! I came here to tell you something else. (Pause) I came here (Pause) to tell you I still love you. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica’s Restaurant, continued from earlier.] Monica: What uh—What did you—What?! Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldn’t even be here telling you this, I mean you’re with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say he’s straight I’ll believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didn’t tell ya I’d regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did. Monica: Y’know you’re really not supposed to be back here! Richard: Well yeah, I’m sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you. Monica: Oh God… (Starts looking around.) Why don’t they put chairs back here?! Richard: I know this is crazy but am I too late? Monica: What the… Yes you’re too late! Where was all this three years ago?! Richard: Well I know I was an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did! Y’know after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get you out of my head! Monica: What were you doing in Africa? Richard: Working with blind kids. Monica: Ohhh! What are you doing to me?! Oh look, I-I… I’m sorry but umm, this-this-this-this is not going to happen. Richard: Okay that’s fine, I’ll walk away. And I’ll never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandler’s willing to give you everything I am. Monica: Well he is! Yeah, I mean marriage is all he talks about! My goodness, in fact, I’m the one that’s making him wait! Richard: You are? Monica: Yeah! Richard: Why? Monica: Why? Because of the government. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is bringing Phoebe some coffee.] Rachel: Isn’t it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin’ married. Phoebe: I know, they’re gonna be so happy together. Rachel: Ohh… I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen? Phoebe: Not that often! Rachel: No! I’m so happy for them! Phoebe: Me too! So happy for them! Rachel: I’m so happy and not at all jealous. Phoebe: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous! (They both take a drink of coffee.) Rachel: I mean I’m probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what’s 2%? That’s nothing. Phoebe: Totally. I’m like 90/10. Rachel: Yeah me too. (Joey enters looking like Captain Stubing from the Love Boat.) Joey: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler? Rachel: (staring at him) Wh—no, but y’know who did stop in here looking for ya, Tennille. [Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.] Monica: So that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don’t really believe that do you? Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let’s take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs don’t mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that’s just an ordinary pig not even a pig that’s good at sports! Monica: Yeah, but that’s pigs not people! Chandler: If marriage worked, I’d be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%. Monica: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that-that you may never want to get married? Chandler: Well, never say never but y’know probably uh yeah, never. Monica: Oh my God! Then-then-then what are we even doing?! What is this?! Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don’t you put down your copy of ‘The Rules’ huh mantrap?! Monica: Y’know what?! I gotta go! Ugh! (She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.) Chandler: (to them) It’s okay, I got a plan. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still talking.] Rachel: We’re gonna find love! Phoebe: Definitely! Rachel: Yeah, I’m pretty confident about that. That’s what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though. Phoebe: What do you mean? Rachel: Well y’know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they’re 40, they marry each other. Phoebe: You mean a backup? Rachel: Exactly! Phoebe: Yeah, yeah I got that. Rachel: You do? Phoebe: Hm-mmm. Rachel: Who? Phoebe: Joey. Rachel: Joey?! Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: Are you serious?! Phoebe: Yeah, I locked him years ago! Rachel: Wh… So… If neither of you are married by the time you’re 40, you’re gonna marry Joey. Phoebe: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal. Rachel: Oh, seriously? Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were… (She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.) Rachel: Charming. Phoebe: Well hey, it’s just a backup. Rachel: Yeah. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as Monica enters.] Joey: Hey Monica! Monica: Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror? Joey: This is for my boat, pretty cool huh? Monica: Yeah, it’s great. Joey: Whoa-whoa, what’s the matter?! Talk to the captain! Monica: I’m just having one of those days where you realize you’re in a dad-end relationship! Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh? Monica: It’s not like I want to get married tomorrow! It’s just that I-I’d like to believe that I’m in a relationship that’s actually going somewhere, that I’m not just wasting my time! Joey: Well, you know Chandler. Monica: No I don’t know Chandler! Not anymore! It’s like it’s like something’s changed. Joey: Maybe you changed? Monica: I didn’t change! Joey: Maybe that’s the problem. Monica: What?! Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife. Monica: Is that some kind of boat talk? Joey: I don’t know! (All excited) I haven’t totally decided how to talk on my boat yet. Monica: What does he think? Does he think I’m just gonna wait around for nothing? Joey: Monica face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be! Monica: (starts for the door) Well there’s some people who do want to marry me. Joey: There are? Monica: Yeah! Richard! Joey: R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! (Monica nods yes.) And-and Chandler’s tellin’ ya how much he hates marriage?! Monica: That’s right. Joey: Chandler loves marriage!! Monica: You just told me that he hates marriage! That-that he’s a-a complex fellow who’s unlikely to take a wife! That-that he’s against marriage and always will be! Joey: You got that from what I said?! [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is watching a show about the extinction of the dinosaurs.] Narrator: When the Cretaceous period ended, the dinosaurs were gone. Ross: What happened you guys? (There’s a knock on the door, he shuts the TV off, and answers it.) Ross: Rach! Rachel: Hey you! Ross: Hey, come on in. Rachel: Oh thank you. Hey y’know, I’m so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth. Ross: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we’d be able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Rachel: Yeah, love. It’s a tricky business isn’t it? Ross: I guess so. Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time we’re 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and we’ve-we’ve already slept together so y’know there’ll be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, "What’s that?!" Ross: Right. Ohh! You-you want me to be your backup. Rachel: Exactly. Ross: Ohh, yeah I already have one. Rachel: What? Who? Ross: Phoebe. Rachel: Phoebe?! Wait a—but-but she just, she said that Joey was her backup. Ross: Ohh, I don’t think so. Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal! Ross: That’s impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is entering to find Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, on the phone.] Joey: Where the hell have you been?! Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with the professor. Joey: Richard told Monica he wants to marry her! Chandler: What?! Joey: Yeah! Yeah, I’ve been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these (lifts a leg) damn boat shoes wouldn’t keep flying off! Chandler: My—Oh my God! Joey: I know! They suck!! Chandler: He’s not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I’m supposed to do that! Joey: I know! Chandler: Well what… Y’know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go over there; I’m gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?! Joey: Look, Chandler I don’t think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica! Chandler: You’re right. Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) I’m gonna get the ring! I’m gonna get the ring! (Does so) I’m gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) I’m just going to propose! Joey: Okay. Chandler: Okay great. Joey: Dude-dude-dude! Chandler: What?! Joey: Let me know about that coconut phone, it might great for the boat. Commercial Break [Scene: Richard’s Apartment, he’s smoking a cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal…] Monica: Hi. Richard: Hi. Monica: I don’t know why I’m here. Richard: I didn’t ask. You wanna come in? Monica: I don’t know. Richard: Oh, okay. Well, I’ll just leave the door open and go sit on the couch. (Does so.) Monica: (entering) Chandler is such an idiot! Richard: (standing up quickly) Drink? Monica: Yeah, I’ll have a scotch… Richard: …on the rocks with a twist? I remember. (Goes to make her drink.) Monica: (moving over to the couch) Still smoking cigars? Richard: Uh, no! No! That’s…art! If it bothers you I can put my art out. Monica: No that’s, that’s okay. Richard: So Monica let me ask you a question. Y’know, since we broke up do you ever, think about me? Monica: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago. Richard: Oh really? Monica: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I don’t like my new eye doctor. Richard: Who is it? Monica: Edward Nevski? Richard: Yeah he’s no good. Do you ever (pause) think about me in a (pause) non-eye doctor way? Monica: No. Richard: Ahh. Monica: But getting over was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you. (Richard mouths, "Wow!") [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups! Phoebe: Of course I can! It’s just good sense to backup your backup! Look, I’ve already lost Chandler! Rachel: What?! Joey: (entering) Hey! Ross: (entering) Hey! Joey: Phoebe! We’re both (points at Ross and himself) your backup?! Ross: Phoebe, how could you do this to me?! Phoebe: I don’t—Look I don’t know what you’re complaining about now? You were both aware of the situation! (At the same time.) Joey: No we weren’t! Ross: I was not! Phoebe: Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we’re married! Rachel: Phoebe you can’t have both of them! You have to pick one! Joey: Pick me!! Ross: No! Pick me! I don’t want to end up an old maid! Phoebe: All right well let’s see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat—This is hard! Joey: This is crazy! Hey look, I wanna switch to Rachel! Ross: Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too! (Rachel gets all happy.) Phoebe: No wait! Just—Okay—Just wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Don’t make any rash decisions, okay? Just remember my promise, when we get married, three times a week. Rachel: Oh God, Phoebe! Phoebe: (To Rachel) I’m talking about massages. Rachel: Oh. (She turns her head away and when she’s not looking, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths, "No, I’m not." Both Joey and Ross smile, look at each other, and then stop smiling.) Rachel: Okay, y’know what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what we’re gonna do! I’m gonna write Joey on one napkin (does so) and I’m gonna right Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay? Joey: Okay that’s fair. Ross: All right. Phoebe: Good! (Rachel mixes them up in her hands, moves them all around, and puts her hands behind her back.) Rachel: Pick one. Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you. Rachel: You’re welcome. Phoebe: (reading) Ross! Rachel: (reading) Joey! (Pause) We should just switch. Phoebe: Yeah absolutely! (They both switch.) Joey: Yeah. [Scene: Richard’s Apartment, Monica is looking around and notices an African mask hanging on the wall.] Monica: (to the mask) I missed you-you ugly, flat faced old freak! Richard: Excuse me? Monica: Oh! (Laughs and points at the mask.) Him. Richard: Oh. (Laughs.) Whew! Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-up’s apartment! Y’know, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?! Richard: Yeah! You’re saying, you need to be with someone more mature. Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache. Monica: Y’know, let’s face it, I’m not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don’t want that! Richard: I think that’s fair. Monica: Fair? Please don’t even talk to me about fair! Fair would’ve been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would’ve been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Richard: It’s okay! Shh! Hey. Hey. (Hugs her) Shhhh. Monica: Nothing. (She backs away a little bit but is still in his arms and looks up at his eyes.) I don’t kn—Umm. I don’t know. Umm… Richard: I know. (Backs away.) Monica: Y’know, I-I… I have to figure…some st—Y’know, some stuff before I can… Richard: Yeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. (Pause) Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it. I’ll be here. Not smoking. (Monica leaves.) [Scene: Richard’s Apartment, time lapse. Richard is smoking as he hears a knock on the door. He quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door.] Richard: Chandler. Chandler: Where is she? I’m not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.) Richard: She’s not here and please come in. Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica! Richard: Okay, she was here, but she left. Chandler: Well where did she go? Richard: Well she said she had to think things over. Chandler: Oh my God, I can’t believe this! Y’know, I thought…I thought you were a good guy. Richard: Oh, hey look nothing happened. Chandler: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn’t tell my girlfriend that you love her? Richard: Well all right, one thing happened? Chandler: Y’know what? I can’t believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!! Richard: Well I’m sorry. Chandler: And what does she have to think about? I love her! Richard: Well, apparently I’m willing to offer her things that you are not. Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, y’know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she’d be surprised! Richard: Well if it helps, it worked very well. Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn’t fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight. Richard: You were gonna propose? (Sits on the arm of the couch.) Chandler: Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring? Richard: No I don’t have a ring! (Pause) You go get her Chandler. (Pause) And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, don’t let her go. Trust me. Chandler: Y’know Richard…you are a good guy. Richard: I know. (Pause) I hate that! (Chandler gets up and runs out, but as soon as the door closes behind him he opens it, runs back in, picks up his ring Richard is holding up for him, and runs back out.) [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment, but Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.] Joey: Dude! Chandler: I can’t talk to you now, I gotta find Monica! Joey: She’s gone. Chandler: What? Joey: She’s gone. She had a bag and she left. Chandler: What are you talking about? Joey: She was all crying. She-she said you guys want different things, and that and that she needed time to think. Chandler: Well why didn’t you stop her?! Why didn’t you just tell her it was a plan?! Joey: I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn’t believe me. Chandler: Well where… Where did she go? Joey: To her parent’s I think and she said you shouldn’t call her. But if I were you I would. Chandler: I can’t believe I ruined this. Joey: I am so sorry man. (He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.) Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise. (He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.) Chandler: Oh my God. (Monica gets down on one knee.) Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this! Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought… (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me? Monica: Yes. (The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.) Monica: I knew you were likely to take a wife! (They hug again.) Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We’re dying out here! Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We’re engaged!!! (Everyone screams and has a group hug.) Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous I’ve ever been! Phoebe: Oh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isn’t here! Monica: Oh… Rachel: Oh hell, he’s done this three times! He knows what its about! Joey: Yeah! (They all hug again.) Ending Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, it’s just Monica and Chandler dancing to Wonderful Tonight on the Slowhand album by Eric Clapton. And you can buy that album from the CFSI, just click on the CDNow link.] End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "06x24 - 06x25 - The One With The Proposal"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman Story by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing around the table drinking champagne as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey, what’s going on? Chandler: Hey. Ross: I found a note on my door, "Come to Monica’s quick, bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar." Joey: (grabbing the candy bar) Yeah I’ll take that. Ross: What’s up? Chandler: Monica and I are engaged. Ross: Oh my God. (Hugs Chandler.) Congratulations. Chandler: Thanks. Ross: Where is she? [Cut to Monica out on the balcony.] Monica: (yelling at the top of her lungs) I’m engaged!!!!!! I’m engaged!!!! [Cut back inside.] Joey: Yeah, she’s been out there for twenty minutes, I’m surprised you didn’t hear her on the way over. Ross: Oh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, "I’m gay! I’m gay!" Can I bring her in? Phoebe: Oh no, let her stay out there. It’s sweet. [Cut to Monica.] Monica: I’m getting married!!!! I’m gonna be a bride!!!! (Someone else yells at her.) No, I will not shut up because I’m engaged! (He yells again.) Ohh, big talk! Huh, why don’t you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fiancée will kick your ass! (Chandler starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20! [Cut back inside.] Chandler: (To Ross) Okay, you get her in here. (To Joey) You bolt the door. I’ll be in the closet. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the living room drinking champagne.] Monica: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! (Bangs on her class with a spoon to make a toast.) Okay, umm, I just wanna say that…I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night. (Chandler clears his throat.) Our special night. I mean it just wouldn’t be my—our-our night, if you all weren’t here to celebrate with me—us—Damnit! Chandler: It’s okay, I want this to be your night too. (Raises his class.) To Monica. Monica: Awww, come on—wait—stop it. Okay, to Monica. Chandler: To Monica! (They all say to Monica, clink their glasses, and drink.) Phoebe: So have you decided on a band for the wedding? Because, y’know, I’m kinda musical. Rachel: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt she’s even had time to… Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you b*rned down my apartment? Rachel: (To Monica) Yeah, you’re on your own. Monica: Y’know what we should do? We should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at The Plaza. (They all agree and start to go and get ready.) Joey: But I-I-I can’t stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I’m supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. (Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.) What? Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986? Joey: You guys don’t think I look 19? (A brief silence ensues.) Phoebe: Oh, 19! We thought you said 90! (They all politely laugh and stop just as quickly.) Monica: Okay everybody, let’s go! Let’s go! Rachel: Okay. Chandler: Okay. (They all leave and Joey comes back in quickly.) Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here? Phoebe: Oh honey no, you ate it all. Joey: I was afraid of that. (Walks out and after he closes the door Phoebe turns around and takes a bite out of what is left of his candy bar.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they’re getting ready.] Monica: (looking at her hand) Y’know what shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond shoes! (Sees Chandler sitting on the bed.) You’re not getting dressed. (Chandler quietly folds over the comforter on the bed making a spot for her.) Chandler: Know what I mean? Monica: Yeah, but I don’t think we have time. Chandler: There’s gonna be a wedding. You’re gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress. Monica: (lustily) Let’s do it! (She kisses him and they fall back onto the bed.) [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, time lapse, Chandler is fully dressed and slowly walking out of the bedroom with a distressed look on his face.] Monica: (chasing after him) Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don’t worry about it! Chandler: (motioning with his hands) I’m not worried, I’m uh, I’m fascinated. Y’know it’s like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from her room with her guitar.) Phoebe: Check it out. Okay, I can play this when the guests are coming in. Okay. (Singing) "First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay. But here I am singing on his wedding day!" Monica: Phoebe! Phoebe: If you would’ve let me finish, it goes on to say that he’s probably not gay. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is looking at the foosball table.] Chandler: Sure, you guys don’t have this problem, you’re made of wood. (Rachel comes out of the bathroom) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Chandler: You look great! Rachel: (quietly) Oh, thanks. Chandler: You okay over there? Rachel: I don’t know, y’know? I feel a little umm… No, y’know what? Never mind, I’m gonna be fine. Chandler: Oh, don’t worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody. [Rachel exits into the hallway just as Ross is coming up the stairs.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Wow! Happy Monica’s night! Rachel: Well thank you, you too. Ross: Thanks. Rachel: Hey, do you believe this? Do you believe they are actually getting married? Ross: Well sure. But I get married all the time so… Rachel: Oh… Ross: You okay? Rachel: Yeah, I guess. I-I… I mean, do-do you think we’re ever gonna have that? Ross: You mean, we—you and me? Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone. Ross: Oh good, you scared me for a minute. Rachel: Shake it off. Ross: I mean—no, it’s just ‘cause, it’s just ’cause you and I were like a nightmare. (Screams.) No, but there was some good times. Rachel: No, absolutely. Y’know like it was umm… Ross: Surely you can think of something good. Rachel: Yeah, just give me a minute! (Thinking) Oh well, yes, I can think of one good thing. Ross: What? Rachel: Well you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff. Ross: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh? Rachel: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands. Ross: My hands? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Yeah? Rachel: Uh-huh. Ross: (to his hands) Way to go guys. Y’know, you-you were really good at the stuff too. Rachel: Oh, I know. Hey, y’know what we never did? (Ross looks at her.) Oh no, not that. (Ross nods okay.) We uh, we never had a bonus night! Ross: A what? Rachel: Y’know, bonus night. Y’know, when two people break up but they get back together for just one night. Ross: One night, just-just sex. No strings attached? Rachel: Yeah-yeah, we never had that, Ross: No. [Silence.] Ross: Okay, this is getting a little crazy. I mean, I’m-I’m sure it would be amazing but I…gotta say I really-really don’t think it would be a good idea. Y’know? I really, really…don’t. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is playing Playstation, Crash Team Racing to be exact (he’s in last on Hot Air Skyway to be more exact) as Joey enters from his room desperately trying to look like a 19-year-old. He’s got the wool cap, he’s got the cut-off Knicks jersey over the faded T-shirt, and he’s got the whole pants-around-the-knees-showing-off-the-boxers thing that rich, white, suburban kids have adopted in a desperate and extremely futile attempt to try to look like they’re from the inner-city.] Joey: ‘Sup? ‘Sup dude? Chandler: (putting his hands up) Take whatever you want, just please don’t hurt me. Joey: So you’re playing a little Playstation, huh? That’s whack! Playstation is whack! ‘Sup with the whack Playstation, ‘sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?! Chandler: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19. Joey: Come on man, really how old?! Chandler: Young! You’re a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because everybody’s ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear! Joey: Wow thanks! (He goes into his bedroom and closes the door.) Chandler: Joe? Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Uh, you’ve had a lot of sex right? Joey: When? Today? Some, not a lot. Chandler: Well, it’s just the reason that I’m asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable to—I mean I really wanted to, but I couldn’t…. There huh—hmm, there-there was an incident. Joey: Don’t worry about that man, that happens. Chandler: It’s happened to you? Joey: Yeah! Once. Chandler: Well, what’d you do? Joey: I did it anyway. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the living room and Phoebe is in her room.] Monica: Phoebe! Come on! Let’s go! (Knocks on her door.) Come on! (Phoebe enters with guitar and not ready to go.) Why aren’t you dressed yet?! Phoebe: I’m sorry, but I just wrote the best dance song for your wedding. Check this out. (Gets ready to play.) Monica: (grabs the guitar away from her) No, Phoebe, I’ll tell you what, if you get ready now I’ll let you play it at the wedding. Phoebe: Really?! Oh that’s so exciting! Thank you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon, if you touch my guitar again I’ll have to pound on you for a little bit. Monica: Fair enough, now go get ready! Phoebe: Okay. (She goes to get ready.) Monica: I’ll get everybody else (Does so), finally we can start celebrating my—(She gasps and is stopped by the sight of Ross and Rachel making out in the hall.) I’m sorry, uh apparently I’ve opened the door to the past. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from before the commercial break. Monica is walking into the apartment followed by Ross and Rachel.] Ross: Okay, Monica. Mon, uh what-what you just saw… Monica: (interrupting) Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight? Rachel: What? Monica: See, I’ve been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some people I’m only planning on doing this once. So, uh y’know, maybe this is selfish and I’m sorry about it, but I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that. Rachel: Oh honey, but it is just about… Ross: It is! It is! Monica: No it’s not! No! No! Now it’s about you and Ross getting back together! Rachel: What?! Monica: See yeah umm, you kinda stole my thunder! Ross: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not getting back together! Rachel: Yeah. No. And you know what? Nobody even saw! Ross: Yeah! Monica: That’s true. Rachel: Honey I swear it we just kissed. Ross: It was just a kiss. (Phoebe enters and overhears this.) Phoebe: You guys kissed!!!!! What does this mean?!! Are you, are you getting back together?! Can I sing at your wedding? Monica: Thunder being stolen!! Rachel: Okay come on Phoebe, it’s nothing! Monica, come on! Ross: Look let’s not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time thing. It doesn’t even matter! (Chandler and Joey enter and overhear that.) Joey: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!! Chandler: (angrily) I don’t think that’s what they were talking about Joe!! Phoebe: What a great night, Chandler can’t do it, these guys kissed… (Points to Ross and Rachel.) Joey: What? Chandler: What?! Joey: You guys kissed! Oh my—this is huge! Rachel: No! Ross: Oh no! Rachel: No-no, it’s really not huge. Ross: And; people thinking it’s huge has led Monica to believe that we are stealing her thunder. (To Monica) Which we are not! Monica: Well, we’re still talking about it, aren’t we? Phoebe: Well yeah, that and Chandler’s problem. Joey: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel. Monica: Yes that would be lovely. Joey: You got it. Okay. Now, I can pass for 19 right?! Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19. Joey: Really? Chandler: Yes! Joey: Seriously? Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31! Joey: (gasps) I’m 30! Rachel: Joey, you are not! You’re 31. Joey: (realizes) Aww crap! Phoebe: Okay, so The Plaza! Okay, we’ll get us some Mai Thai’s, (To Chandler) maybe no more for you though. Monica: Y’know what? I-I think that umm, I don’t feel like going to The Plaza. Phoebe: Why?! Rachel: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous! Look… Monica: No-no, I-I really don’t want to talk about it! I don’t! (To Rachel) Especially with you. (Goes into her room.) Joey: Psss, that is whack! [Time lapse, Phoebe is playing the guitar for Joey.] Phoebe: (she’s strumming something) Yeah? (Joey nods yes.) Okay, I think I’ll play it at the wedding. Joey: Yeah! Well, I think we’ll see if they actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, "You look 19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No you don’t." Phoebe: Well, I don’t think Monica is gonna take this away. Joey: Wouldn’t she? Phoebe: Would she? Joey: Would she? (He smells something and gasps as he realizes what it is.) You ate my candy bar! [Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, she’s pacing as Ross knocks on her door and opens it a little to stick his hands in.] Ross: Guess who? (Enters fully.) Rachel: Hey. Ross: Hey, I just realized we kinda left some stuff up in the air… Rachel: What do you think Monica meant when she said she didn’t want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing. Ross: Still thinking about it huh? Rachel: Come on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that? (Mimicking Monica.) Especially you! Ross: (loosening his tie) Oh, who cares? Rachel: I care! Ross: (tightening his tie) And so do I. Rachel: Y’know what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed? Ross: Okay. Sure. (Sits down on her bed.) Rachel: Am I going to let you watch me undress? Ross: (sitting up) No! (Exits.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are both getting undressed.] Monica: I can’t believe her, y’know it’s just—it’s so typical. Chandler: Now Monica, I know you’re upset, but don’t forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there’s going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris. Monica: Paris? Chandler: We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la (mumbles something). Monica: Keep talking. Chandler: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because it’s romantic, but because I can! Monica: I love you! (They start making out and both start to feel something growing below the belt line.) Monica: (in a French accent) Bonjour, monsieur. Chandler: Okay, don’t say anything, you might scare it away. (There is a knock on the door.) Chandler: It’s Paris, who knows we’re here! Monica: (opening the door) Hi Pheebs, what’s up? (She enters.) Phoebe: Okay, you said I could sing at your wedding so, I’m just gonna need a small deposit. Monica: What?! Phoebe: Y’know, just some good faith money to hold the date. Chandler: Pheebs, we’re not giving you a deposit for our wedding! Phoebe: Oh, I see. (Exits angrily.) [Cut to the living room, Joey is eating a sandwich.) Joey: They break your heart, don’t they? Phoebe: Y’know, I don’t really need their permission. Joey: Yeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding! Phoebe: Yeah! And if you wanna look 19, then you… You gotta do something about your eyes. Joey: What?! What’s wrong with my eyes. Phoebe: They give you away! There’s just-there’s just too much wisdom in there. (Joey nods in agreement.) Just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes. Joey: And that’ll get rid of my wisdom? Phoebe: Maybe just 10 minutes for you. [Cut back to Monica and Chandler’s room, they are making out again as there’s another knock on the door.] Chandler: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I don’t care! (Monica opens the door to Ross and Rachel.) Monica: Yes. Rachel: Monica, what did you mean before when you said you didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially me? Chandler: What a great apology! (To Monica) And you accept! Okay, bye-bye! Rachel: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about? Monica: Well, let’s just say it’s not the first time you’ve stolen my thunder. Rachel: What?! Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, here’s a thought. (Rachel ignores him and follows Monica into the kitchen.) Rachel: Monica, what are you talking about? Monica: My Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you went to third base with my cousin Charlie. Chandler: (entering) Ahh, third base. Monica: It’s all everybody at the party could talk about! Rachel: Monica, y’know what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring! Monica: (gasps) We had a caricaturist! Rachel: Oh!! Phoebe: (singing, angrily) "Whenever I get married, guess who won’t get to sing? Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!" (Exits.) Rachel: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago. Monica: And yet, here we are doing it again. Rachel: Ugh, Monica I don’t want to steal your stupid thunder! Monica: Oh please! Why else would you have made out with Ross?! Ross: Got me. (He shows of his hands.) Rachel: All right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it ain’t gonna happen! Monica: I just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night! Rachel: I swear, I never wanted any part of your night! Monica: Oh, is that why you did it in the secret hallway where nobody ever goes?! Ross: Uh, Rachel, I’ve been thinking. I don’t think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. I’m calling it off. Chandler: (To Ross) Why to save your dignity my man. Rachel: (ignoring them) Monica, why? Why would I ever want to take away from your night? Monica: I don’t know! I don’t—maybe you’re feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought you’d get married first! Maybe you can’t stand the fact that your formerly fat friend is getting married before you! Rachel: Oh wow. That—y’know what? That is so unfair. Y’know what? Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, let’s go have sex! (Ross tries to dismiss it by making that sound, but decides to go for it and follows Rachel.) Monica: (yelling after them) I can’t believe you’re gonna have sex on my engagement night!! Chandler: Well, somebody should. (Monica glares at him.) [Cut to Rachel’s bedroom.] Ross: Look uh, if we’re gonna do this… Rachel: We’re not gonna do this, all right? She’s just gonna think that we’re doin’ it. Ross: Oh, I see, so everybody wins. (There’s a knock on the door.) Rachel: Who is it? Monica: (outside the door) It’s Monica, open up! Rachel: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a minute! (Motions for him to follow her lead, but he angrily shakes his head no. So she pokes him.) Ross: Oww! Rachel: Yeah, you like that baby? (Monica bursts in followed by Chandler.) May we help you? Monica: I just wanted to say that I hope you do have sex tonight and I hope that you guys get back together, but I must warn you, the night that you announce your engagement I’m going to announce that I’m pregnant! Chandler: How is that ever going to happen?! Rachel: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?! Monica: I know why! Rachel: No you don’t know why! Monica: Okay! Why?! Rachel: Because! Because I was sad. Monica: What do you mean? Rachel: Look, I am so…so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I’m not. I’m not even close. And I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that’s dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler! (Ross looks at Chandler.) Chandler: (To Ross) I don’t care, she slept with me. Rachel: Anyway sweetie, I am, I’m so sorry I ruined your night. Monica: (starting to cry) I’m sorry I almost made you sleep with Ross. (They hug.) Ross: (deadpan) Well, I’m going to take off. (To Chandler) Congratulations man. Chandler: Thanks. Ross: (at the door) And uh, Rachel. Rachel: Yeah. Ross: What can I say, you missed your chance. From now on the only person who’s going to enjoy these bad boys (holds up his hands) is me. (Quickly realizes what he said and exits disgustedly.) Ending Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is singing outside Monica and Chandler’s door.] Phoebe: (singing) "We thought Phoebe would leave, but she just stayed and stayed. That’s right, I’m here all night, and Chandler will never get l…" Chandler: (interrupting her just in time) Hey! Here’s a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding. Phoebe: Oh thank you. Chandler: Okay. (Goes back to bed.) Phoebe: Now… (Starts singing again) "Who will perform the ceremony! Who will perform the cer—(Chandler enters and grabs her guitar and closes the door behind him)—Oh—oh! All right, I’ll pound on him in the morning. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x01 - The One With Monica\u2019s Thunder"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread.] Joey: Hey! Ross: Hi! Joey: Who wants French toast? Ross: Oh, I’ll have some! Joey: Good, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks. Monica: (entering from her room) Oww! Chandler: What’s the matter honey? Monica: I don’t know, my hand feels weird. I guess it’s because, I’m engaged! (Shows off the ring.) How long before it starts getting annoying? Phoebe: It starts? Rachel: Yeah, so let’s get started on the wedding plans! Monica: Okay! (Runs off.) Chandler: (incredulous) Already?! Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the music… Chandler: Oh, I got some thoughts on that. Rachel: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooks… Ross: Take it from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name. Monica: (returning) Okay! (Sets down a huge 3" 3-ring binder on the table.) Chandler: What in God’s name is that?! Ross: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I haven’t seen that since the forth grade! Monica: This baby has got everything. Take y’know, locations for instance. (She opens up the binder to the locations chapter.) First, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage. Phoebe: That is so smart! (To Chandler, under her breath) Break it off. Break it off now. Opening Credits [Scene: A Classroom, Ross is giving a lecture.] Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now let’s take a look at… (Phoebe rushes in.) Phoebe: Hey! Ross! Ross: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here? Phoebe: I need to talk to you, it’s pretty urgent. It’s about Monica and Chandler. Ross: Oh my God! Of course, of course. (To the class.) Umm, would you please excuse me for a moment? Umm, do you know each other’s hometowns? Why don’t you… (Motions that they should learn everyone’s hometown.) (To Phoebe) Wh-what’s going on? Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, y’know? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days? Ross: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-what’s wrong with Monica and Chandler? Phoebe: Nothing—Why?! Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent! Phoebe: Oh yeah it is! I’m going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes. Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students? Phoebe: (to the students) Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies? [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel and Monica are pretty much telling Chandler what the wedding plans are.] Monica: All right, so I haven’t cleared the budget with my parents yet, but tell me how this is for music. Rachel: Okay. Monica: All right umm, a string quartet for the procession. Rachel: Aw. Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding. Chandler: Well, you couldn’t get them anyway. Ian doesn’t play anymore and Derrick… (Off of Rachel and Monica’s looks) And Derrick is a name I shouldn’t know. Joey: (sitting up from the couch) Hey Mon, do you have another pillow? (Holds up one.) Y’know, something a little snugglyer? Chandler: Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place? Joey: Well, the duck… Rachel: What?! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?! Joey: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up! Chandler: Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding? Monica: Of course you can look at it! Yeah, I want your opinion too! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Here you go! What do you think about centerpieces? Chandler: Centerpieces! Monica: Yeah! Roses or Lilies? (Holds up a picture of each.) Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think they’re a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice. Monica: Oh my God! It’s like one mind. Chandler: Uh-huh! Joey: (sitting up again) Guys! Guys!! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, I’m gonna get cranky! Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall! Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick! Rachel: What?! Joey: All right, I’m gonna go! (Gets up and heads for the door.) Rachel: Now Joey, what did the duck do?! Joey: I don’t know! But he did not eat your face cream! [Cut to Joey and Rachel’s, Joey enters and heads for his bedroom. He pushes open the door to find the duck.] Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (He’s about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachel’s room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) That’s so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little bat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar…(Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) …wouldn’t be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his…(Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.) [Scene: Ross’s apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on the table she’s set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man lying on the table.] Ross: Uh, Phoebe… Phoebe: Oh Ross, hi. Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing? Phoebe: I’m sorry, I’m with a client right now. Ross: Phoebe! Phoebe: Okay, let’s talk outside. (They go into the hall.) Ross: Phoebe, you can’t massage people in my apartment! Phoebe: What’s the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler’s! Ross: And they knew about it? Phoebe: (pause as she considers it) Okay, well Ross, what is this really about? Ross: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want! Phoebe: Okay, I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. I just don’t know what the big deal is! Ross: The big deal is I don’t want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzle—beer! Cold beer. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sweeping up as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hey Joey, what ‘cha doing? Joey: Sweepin’. Why? Turn you on? Rachel: No. Joey: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney? Rachel: Joey, did you eat my face cream? (She walks into her bedroom.) Joey: Where are you going? The vicar won’t be home for hours. (She comes back out.) Rachel: Joey, (nervously) where did you learn that word? Joey: Where do you think, (pause) Zelda? Rachel: (gasps) You found my book?! Joey: Yeah I did! Rachel: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?! Joey: Okay, look I’m sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldn’t have, but you got prn! Rachel: Hey-hey, y’know what? I don’t care! I’m not ashamed of my book. There’s nothing wrong with a woman enjoying a little…erotica. It’s just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. (She goes into her room.) Joey: You got prn! [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming out of the living room carrying his salad and a puzzle—beer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up Phoebe’s massage table, but being Ross has trouble with it as there is a knock on the door. He sets the table back up and opens the door to reveal a beautiful woman.] Ross: Hello. Woman: Hi, is uh Phoebe here? Ross: Uh no-no, she-she’s out for the night. Woman: Ohh great. Ross: Can I, can I help you with something? Woman: Well, I don’t know. Are you a masseur? Ross: (deadpan) Yes I am. Woman: Great! (Calls down the hall) Dad! (Her old father walks in.) Thank you so much, I’ll be back to pick him up in an hour. (She walks away.) (Ross isn’t happy and closes the door slowly.) [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents.] Mrs. Geller: So Chandler, your parents must’ve been thrilled when you told them you were engaged. Chandler: Oh yeah, I should probably call them. Mr. Geller: I remember when we first got engaged. Chandler: Oh, I don’t think I ever heard that story. Monica: Oh dad, really you don’t need to… Mr. Geller: (ignoring her) Well, I’d gotten Judy pregnant. I still don’t know how that happened. Mrs. Geller: (incredulous) You don’t know how that happened?! Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy! Chandler: What a sweet story. Monica: Well, at least you’re not hearing it for the first time at your fifth grade Halloween party. Mr. Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story! Monica: Anyway, we’re really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon we’ll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (She and Chandler laugh, but her parents don’t.) What? Mrs. Geller: You tell her Jack, I can’t do it. Monica: What happened? You still have the Monica wedding fund don’t you? Mr. Geller: We have it. Only now, we call it the beach house. Commercial Break [Scene: A Restaurant, scene continued from before the break.] Monica: I don’t believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house! Mrs. Geller: We’re sorry honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30 you’d pay for it yourself. Monica: You bought the beach house when I was 23! Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you can’t put a price on that sweetie. Mrs. Geller: We really do feel bad about this though. Mr. Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard and then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen. Monica: What about when I started dating Chandler? Mrs. Geller: Well it was Chandler! We didn’t think he’d ever propose! Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.) Monica: I can’t believe it! That there is no money for my wedding?! Mrs. Geller: We might still have some money, if your father didn’t think it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet. Mr. Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea. Mrs. Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid. Mr. Geller: All right, enough! I don’t want to hear about it anymore! (Under his breath) Good luck, Chandler. (Chandler takes another drink.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, his massage client is on the table and Ross is reluctantly starting his massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands, and doesn’t like it.] Ross: Okay! Now, I’m going to touch you. (He does so, very gingerly.) Ohh, that’s soft. (He starts poking him and notices his salad spoons and starts to massage him with those.) [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning from dinner, Rachel is already there.] Monica: I can’t believe this. Do you think that your parents could help pay for it? Chandler: I don’t know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. She’s saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood. Rachel: Well what happened at dinner? Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding! Phoebe: (gasps) My God! What did you order?! Rachel: Wait, but there’s no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center! Chandler: Honey, it’s gonna be okay. Monica: No! No it’s not! It’s not gonna be okay! It sucks! No swing band! No lilies! Rachel: No, y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. I mean you don’t have to have this rustic Italian feast. Y’know? And-and you don’t need, you don’t need this custom-made, empire-waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack. (She starts to cry, as does Monica.) Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that we’re gonna get married. Rachel: Do you even understand what off the rack means?! Phoebe: Look, why don’t you just pay for it yourself? Monica: How? I don’t have any money. Chandler: Well, I have some. Monica: How much? Chandler: Well, close to… (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.) Monica: Whoa!!! Are you kidding me?! Rachel: Well what?! How-how much is it?! Monica: It’s enough for wedding scenario eight. Rachel: Ohh! (Whispers.) Really?! Monica: (To Chandler) How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding! Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh, you guys are so made for each other. Chandler: Well, you’re not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding? Rachel and Monica: Ah, yeah! Chandler: Well, come on, I’ve been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party. Phoebe: (reading the slip of paper) Wow! (In a sultry voice) Hello, Mr. Chandler. Monica: This is the most special day of our lives. Chandler: No, I realize that honey, but I’m not gonna spend all of the money on one party. Monica: Honey, umm I-I love you, (laughs) but umm, if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited. Okay? (Laughs) Listen, we could always earn more money, okay? But uh, we’re only gonna get married once. Chandler: Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no. Monica: You-you’re gonna have to put your foot down? Chandler: Yes, I am! Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Rachel enters and sees Joey sitting there.] Joey: Hey Rach. Rachel: (quietly) Joey. Joey: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke? Rachel: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha. Joey: No-no-no, I’m serious. You don’t smell it? Something’s on fre. Rachel: Well no, I don’t smell anything. Joey: Oh, y’know what? It’s probably just your burnin’ loins. Ross: (sitting down) Hey, what are you guys, what are you guys talking about? Rachel: Nothing! Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffee’s cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.) Rachel: Y’know, I can not believe you told him, Joey! Ross: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh? Rachel: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you. (Exits.) Ross: (chases her) Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when we were going out, I read tons of p*rn magazines! (Realizes a table of women overheard him.) (To that table.) ‘Sup? Phoebe: (entering) Ross! How could you do that to an old man?! Ross: (looking at the table) Excuse me ladies. (To Phoebe) I’m sorry? Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon. Ross: (incredulous) I gave him an extremely professional massage! Phoebe: He said you poked at him with wooden spoons. Ross: Okay, so it wasn’t uh, a traditional massage. But I did give him acu-pressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated him with, with a mop. Phoebe: Well, he’s never coming back! Okay? You just cost me eight dollars a week! Ross: Hey, y’know what? This is your fault! You’re the one that didn’t move his-his appointment. Phoebe: Oh, it’s my fault?! You didn’t have to massage him! You could’ve sent him away! You could’ve not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back! Ross: He said he liked that!! Oh you’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry. Joey: Dude, what are you massaging an old man for? Ross: His daughter was hot. Joey: Gotcha. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Monica: Listen umm, I’ve been thinking, it’s not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that. Chandler: Ehh. Monica: Eh, you work for that. Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I’m sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding. Monica: You do?! Chandler: Yeah, I’m putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then that’s what we’re gonna do. Monica: Oh, you’re so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff? Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y’know? We’ll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college. Monica: You thought about that? Chandler: Yeah. Monica: How many kids were we gonna have? Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy. Monica: What else did you think about? Chandler: Well, stuff like where’d we live, y’know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y’know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we’d have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old. Monica: (laughs) Y’know what? I-I don’t want a big, fancy wedding. Chandler: Sure you do. Monica: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage. Chandler: You sure? Monica: Uh-hmm. Chandler: I love you so much. Monica: I love you. (They kiss.) Hey listen umm, when, when you were talkin’ about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right. Chandler: Oh yeah, totally! Monica: Oh good. Ending Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing her checkbook as Joey enters from his room wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin guards.] Joey: Hello, Zelda. Rachel: Who are you supposed to be? Joey: The vicar! Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is? Joey: Like a goalie, right? Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah. Look Joey, it’s enough alright?! You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and it’s—I’m not—it’s just not funny anymore! Joey: All right, I’m sorry. Rach I—Rach I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry! Maybe I can make up for it by, taking you roughly in the barn. (Giggles.) Rachel: All right! Y’know what? That’s it! You wanna do it?! Let’s do it! Joey: Huh? Rachel: (starting to move closer to him) That’s right, I wanna do it with you! I’ve been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things. Joey: (nervously backing away) I-I-I-I did? (He puts a stool in front of her.) Rachel: (moves the stool out of the way) Yeah! Ohh, I’ve been waitin’ so long to get on that body! Joey: This body? (He backs into the kitchen.) Rachel: Yeah that’s right! Come on Joey; sex me up! Joey: Hey-hey, you’re startin’ to sound like the butcher’s wife there in-in chapter seven. Rachel: Oh, come on now, don’t keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because you’re in for a rough ride! (He backs into the door.) Joey: I don’t want to, I’m scared. (Rachel walks away, pleased with herself.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x02 - The One With Rachel\u2019s Book"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Monica are all there as Chandler enters wearing glasses.] Chandler: Hey, you guys! Ross and Rachel: Hey! Chandler: So, what do you think? Ross: About what? Rachel: Yeah, what? Joey: What? Chandler: Are you kidding? Okay, I’ll give you a hint; I’ll give you a hint. (Points to his glasses.) Joey: Eyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandler’s eyes! Chandler: I got glasses! Ross: Well, you-you’ve always had glasses. Chandler: No I didn’t! Ross: Are you sure? Rachel: Yeah-yeah, did-didn’t you use to have a pair? They were really round, gn, and they made you look kind of umm… Joey: Feminine. Rachel: Yes! Chandler: No! Monica: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy. Chandler: Really? Monica: Yeah! Chandler: (sitting down on the arm of her chair) You didn’t think I used to wear glasses, right? Monica: Of course! (She mouths, "I have no idea," to the rest of the gng.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are making some sandwiches.] Phoebe: So what do you guys want for an engagement present? Chandler: That’s okay Pheebs, we’re not having a party or anything, so you don’t have to get us… Monica: (interrupts him) If someone wants to give us a present, we don’t want to deprive them of that joy. Rachel: Oh, y’know what you should get ‘em? One of those little uh, portable CD players. Monica: Oh, I already have one. Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist. Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey. Monica: Hey, I know what I want! Chandler: What we want honey. Monica: No, you don’t want this. I want to have your grandmother’s cookie recipe. Phoebe: You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe? Monica: Uh-huh, yeah. Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family? Chandler: Dying people say the craziest things. Monica: I wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies for my children. Phoebe: Break my heart—Oh, all right. Monica: Okay. I’m gonna be the mom that makes the world’s best chocolate chip cookies. Chandler: Our kids are gonna be fat aren’t they. Joey: (entering) Ahoy! Chandler: Hey! How’s the boat?! Joey: Great! I’m finally getting into this sailing stuff. Monica: Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh? Joey: Why would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there! Phoebe: If you don’t sail your boat, what do you do on it? Joey: Oh, it’s great! It’s a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips. (He says that as he sits, hangs around, drinks a beer, and eats a chip.) Chandler: Well, it’s good that you finally have a place to do that. Rachel: Y’know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want. Joey: You could? Rachel: Yeah! I’ve been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat. Phoebe: Your own boat? Rachel: What?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there. He takes off his glasses and starts chewing on the ear piece.] Chandler: Do you know what I was thinkin’? Monica: What? Chandler: Nothing, I just like to go like this. (Does it again.) Ross: (entering from the bathrooms) Hey Chandler, what are you doing tonight? Chandler: Uh why, do you have a lecture? Ross: No, why? Chandler: Then free as a bird. What’s up? Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us. Monica: Wow! That’s great! Dad must really like you, he doesn’t ask just anyone to play. Ross: Yeah and he didn’t really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you. Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him? Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way. Monica: This is so cool, maybe this is something you can do every week. Ross: Or you can sit with him on the front porch and make sure no one steals the trash cans. He does that every week too. Monica: Oh, just so you know, you-you have to let him win. Ross: Yeah. Monica: He hates to lose. Chandler: Oh no problem, maybe I’ll play with my left hand. Ross: You’re not a lefty? Chandler: Does anybody know me?! (Phoebe enters, walks up to Monica, and exhales exasperatedly.) Monica: What’s wrong Phoebe? Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fre brned it up! Monica: No!! Why didn’t you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?!! Phoebe: (pauses as he figures out how to answer that) Because I’m normal! That was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an engagement present. Ross: Oh, we have to get you an engagement present? Chandler: Don’t worry about it Pheebs. Ross: No one got me an engagement present. Phoebe: Okay, here I wish you health and happiness. (She hands Monica a cookie in a plastic baggie.) Chandler: An old cookie? Monica: (To Chandler) This is what happens when you don’t register for gifts! Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left. Chandler: We can’t accept this. Phoebe: Why not? Chandler: ‘Cause it’s gross. Monica: No! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie! I do stuff like this at work all the time. Phoebe: Really?! Monica: Yeah! I bet I can do it. (Chandler looks over and sees Ross glaring at them.) Chandler: Okay, we owe you a present. Ross: Two! I’ve been engaged twice! [Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joey’s boat), she’s shown to be in one of the waterways around New York, but in reality she’s in a sound stage on the Warner Bros. lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shts. Rachel and Joey are on board.] Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway? Rachel: That is the Coast Guard. Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. (Points to the coast, meanwhile there is coast behind him.) Rachel: Joey, just ignore the boats all right? We’re not finished with the lesson yet. Joey: All right. Rachel: Okay, I’m just gonna go over the basic points just one more time, are you ready? Joey: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay? Let’s start sailing, and I want to go over there (Points) where that boatload of girls is! (Yelling to them) Yo-ho-ho! Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, let’s do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, (grabs some of the rigging) what’s this called? Joey: Uh, boat rope. Rachel: Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up? Joey: Uh, rub it? Rachel: No. What do you do if I say we are coming about? Joey: I’d say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know this one, I know this one, uh… (Rachel blasts an air horn in his ear.) Rachel: Time’s up, now you're dad. Joey: And deaf! Rachel: Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?! (She punctuates each word by slapping him on the forehead.) Joey: Yes. Rachel: Don’t just say yes! This isn’t a game, Joey, you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?! Joey: I want to make a ship to shore call to Chandler. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are trying to determine the cookie recipe by eating small pieces.] Monica: All right, I definitely taste nutmeg. Phoebe: You do? Monica: You don’t? (Laughs) Well, that’s the difference between a professional and a layman. Phoebe: That and arrogance. Joey: (entering) Hey. Monica: Hey! How was sailing? Joey: I don’t want to talk about it. Y’know, you could’ve at least saved me a whole cookie. (He grabs what’s left of the cookie and pops in his mouth.) Monica and Phoebe: No-wait-no-no!!!!!!! Joey: (recoils in horror) Women are mean!!! (Storms out.) Phoebe: I can’t believe that! Now the only thing left of my grandmother’s legacy is this crumb. (She picks it up with her finger and holds it out to Monica.) I wish you a long and happy marriage. Ross: (entering with Chandler) Hey. Monica: Hey! How was it? Ross: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand… Chandler: I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call him dad. Ross: And what did he ask you not to call him? Chandler: Daddy. All right look, here’s the story. (Flashback to Chandler about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way around the steam-filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and that’s when it happened. [Cut to the flashback, Chandler’s no longer doing the voice-over.] Chandler: Guys? Ross: Over here. (You can see Ross sitting at the far wall.) Mr. Geller: Have a seat son. (You can see Mr. Geller sitting closer to the door as Chandler walks over and sits in his lap.) Hey!! (Chandler quickly jumps off and sits next to him with a shocked expression on his face.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is finished telling everyone what happened.] Monica: Oh my God Chandler! I can’t believe it! Chandler: I know. Monica: You gave my father a lap dance! Chandler: Why do they put so much steam in there?! Ross: ‘Cause otherwise they’d have to call it the room room. Chandler: Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen? Phoebe: Come on, it’s not that big a deal! Chandler: Not that big a deal? There…there was touching of things. Ross: Now, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to bond to that part? Monica: Listen, I’m sure that dad doesn’t care. He probably thought this was funny; he’ll be telling this story for years! Chandler: I don’t want him to tell this story for years. Ross: Oh, but he will. He still tells the story how Monica tried to escape from fat camp. Monica: I wasn’t escaping. Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire? Monica: I was trying to help out a squirrel. Ross: You were trying to eat it! (The phone rings.) Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off! Monica: (takes the phone from Ross) Come on. (Answering phone) Hello? (Listens) I’m sorry you have the wrong number. (Listens) (Whispering) Okay, I’ll call you later dad. I love you. (Hangs up.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are there.] Chandler: (getting up) All right, I’m off to see your dad. Ross: Whoa-whoa, aren’t you a little over dressed? Rachel: (laughing) Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time. Chandler: Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face—And by face I don’t mean his lap. And by face, I don’t mean my ass. (Exits.) Ross: (To Rachel) Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present? Rachel: I don’t know. Y’know, they didn’t get us anything. Ross: Thank you! Joey: (entering) Hey. Ross: Hey. Rachel: Well hello! So, when are we gettin’ back out on the water matey? Joey: Oh uh, I don’t know the boat way to say this, but uh never! Rachel: Why not? Joey: Because! You’re mean on the boat! Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you. Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean! Ross: Yeeeeeep… Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad’s boat she wouldn’t let me help at all. Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn’t move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets. Ross: You have to respect the sea! (Storms off.) Rachel: Look Joey, I’m sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher. Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?" Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson? Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember? Rachel: Yeah, I didn’t want you to get ht by the boom! Joey: Well it ht me anyway! And it would’ve hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer. Rachel: All right, y’know what? I-I’m sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling. Joey: You won’t boss me around anymore? Rachel: I won’t boss you around. Joey: And you’ll be nice? Rachel: And, I’ll be nice. Joey: And you’ll be topless? Rachel: And—Joey! Joey: Do you want me to learn?! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is trying out different cookie recipes. Ross and Phoebe are the tasting group.] Monica: Okay, here’s batch 22. Oh, maybe these’ll taste a little like your grandmother’s. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg. Ross: Let’s give it a sht. Monica: Okay. Man, I have not made this many cookies since I was in the ninth grade. Phoebe: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale? Monica: No, just a Friday night. (They all take a bite.) Ross: Oh, these are pretty good. Phoebe: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17. Ross: Which one was that? Monica: The ones we had right after you almost threw up. Ross: Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like batch 16. (Burps a little bit.) I’m okay. Phoebe: Are there any more from the good batch? ‘Cause we could just work off of those. Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh… (Grabs a cookie and takes a big bite out of it and doesn’t like it.) It’s batch 16! 16 people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.) [Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, it's Joey’s second lesson with Rachel as the resident sailing expert.] Rachel: Okay Joey honey, you’re doing really good! All right, now I’m just gonna need you to step to the port side. (Joey pauses as he tries to remember which side is the port side.) Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side? Joey: Oh yeah. Rachel: Right? Joey: Nope. Rachel: It’s left sweetie, but that’s okay sweetie, that’s a tough one. Joey: I don’t know why you just don’t say left. Rachel: Okay, go to the left. (Joey goes starboard or sits on the right side of the boat.) The left! Joey: Huh? Rachel: (yelling) Just sit over there!! (Points to the port side.) Joey: (hurrying over) Okay! Okay, you’re yelling again! See that? Rachel: No! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling. Joey: Oh, y’know what? Since I’m here, I think I’m gonna have me a little beer on the port side. (Grabs and opens one.) Rachel: Okay Joey, we’re luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham? (The mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has stopped working efficiently; she wants him to tighten it so that it starts working again.) Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn’t know there. Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this! (She does it instead.) Joey: Oh, y’know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross! Rachel: (angrily) No! All right?! I did not see the bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do! Joey: All right that’s it! You’re yelling and I don’t see you taking your top off! I quit! Rachel: What do you mean you quit?! You can’t quit! Joey: Why not?! Rachel: Because you’re not finished yet and I won’t have it! Greens do not quit! Joey: Greens? I’m a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit! Rachel: Oh my God, wait did I—I just said Greens don’t quit didn’t I? (Pause) (Angrily) Did I just say Greens don’t quit?! Joey: Yes! Yes! You did and you’re still yelling at me! Rachel: No! No! No! I’m not yelling at you, I’m just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, oh I’m my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I’ve been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin’. Oh, Joey, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to learn. Joey: Well, hey I did learn. Rachel: Really? Joey: Yeah! Come on. Rachel: Awww… Joey: Yeah, it’s okay. I know what a mainsail is. (Points to it. It’s the larger sail.) I know, I know to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know port is right. Rachel: Left. Joey: Damnit! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the cookie-trying period has passed. Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are reflecting on the day’s events.] Phoebe: Y’know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we’re trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she’s l-l-lookin’ up at us and smiling right now. Ross: Looking up? Phoebe: Oh yeah—No, she was really nice to me, but she’s in hell for sure. Monica: Well, I’ve tried everything. I give up. I guess I’m not gonna be the mom who makes the world’s best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love that right. Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn’t there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister? Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dad body. And that’s not happening ‘til October 15th, 2032. Ross: That’s the day you’re gonna die? See—darnit, I’ve got shuffleboard that day. Phoebe: That’s what you think. Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother’s? Wouldn’t they have the recipe? Phoebe: Well, y’know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Tolouse. Monica: What was her name? Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse. Monica: Nestle Tollhouse?! Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language. Monica: (grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips) Phoebe, is this the recipe? (Tosses her the bag.) Phoebe: (reading the recipe on the back of the bag) Yes!! (Realizes.) Oh. Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time! Phoebe: I know! You see it is stuff like this which is why (Looking down) you’re burning in hell!! [Scene: The Gym, Chandler and Mr. Geller are heading for the whirlpool room.] Chandler: So you understand, I’d feel a lot more comfortable if you didn’t tell people what happened. Y’know, I’m a little…I’m a little embarrassed about it. Mr. Geller: I understand completely, there’s nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy I was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a lawyer. Chandler: What did you do when they found out? Mr. Geller: They never did, so if you ever see me giving them legal advice just nod along. Shall we? (Chandler nods along and they enter the whirlpool room and remove their robes. Only Chandler is lacking a certain item of clothing. You see this is a coed whirlpool, which means swimsuits, and in fact there are two women already there and Chandler didn’t seem to wear his. Needless to say, everyone is shocked, including Chandler.) Chandler: So I guess we wear swimsuits in here! Ending Credits [Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside the pier; Joey and Rachel are relaxing.] Rachel: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun. Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don’t you give a pull on that rope? (Points.) Rachel: Oh we’re not sailing. Joey: Just pull on it. Rachel: All right. (She does so and it brings the cooler closer together.) Hey-hey-hey!! (Sees what’s in the cooler.) Sandwiches! Joey: What else? Rachel: (hands him one) Here you go. Joey: Thank you. Rachel: Oh wow! (She takes a bite, but holds the sandwich vertically so that the stuff falls out.) Joey: What are you doing? Rachel: Oh, sorry. Joey: What you—don’t hold it like that! You’re lettin’ all the good stuff fall out. (More falls out.) Rachel: Oh whoops. Joey: Careful! You’re wasting good pastrami! (Gasps.) Oh my God! I’m my dad! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x03 - The One With Phoebe\u2019s Cookies"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Brian Boyle Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.] Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explsives don’t mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica aren’t amused.) C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac. Mac: Well, I couldn’t have done it without you buddy. You’re a genius. C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can’t get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00? (They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop-motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.) Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think? (They all make happy faces as they are unable to express their feelings verbally. Finally, the phone rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.) Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, it’s your mom. (Hands him the phone.) Chandler: It’s your mommy. It’s your mommy. Ross: Ohhhh… Rachel: That’s nice. Joey: (on phone) Mom, so what did you think? (He walks away allowing the gng a chance to figure out what they’re gonna say.) Rachel: Well that was umm…Okay. Ross: It wasn’t the best. Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV. Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him? Ross: Well, the lighting was okay. Rachel: Ohh no you don’t! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine! Monica: And I have costumes. Ross: Oh great! That means I’m stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there (Points to the TV) and you were sittin’ right here! Whoa!" (Phoebe gets up.) Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs? Phoebe: I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t lie to him again. Oh no I—no! I’m just gonna press my breasts up against him. Chandler: And say nothing? Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that’s right. Joey: (hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? (Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her breasts against him.) It wasn’t that good. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are reading on the couch.] Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you? Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back? Rachel: (entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You’ll never gonna believe what happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and… Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! You’re not gonna believe what my agent just told me! Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here! Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go. Rachel: Okay, so anyway I’m sittin’ in my office and guess who walks in. Joey: I’m gonna be on two TV shows! Monica and Phoebe: Oh, that’s great!! Rachel: Joey! Joey: Oh, you weren’t finished? Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. (To Monica and Phoebe) It was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp) Ralph Lauren walked into my office! Joey: Uh Rach, if you’re gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine. Rachel: It’s the same story. Joey: (groans in disgust) Wow, it’s really long. Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he’s so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail. Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses? Rachel: Yeah! Monica: I’m so happy for you! Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives. Monica: What?! Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives! Phoebe: (gasps) Oh God! Rachel: I got—I get a big pay raise! Phoebe: Oh hey! Joey: I’ll be playing Drake Ramoray’s twin brother, Stryker! Monica: Oooh! Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant! Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!! Joey: (jumps up) Well—I got a head rush from standing up too fast right there. [Scene: Rachel’s New Office, she’s interviewing a potential new assistant, Hilda.] Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at this job for four years? Hilda: That’s right. Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay? Hilda: What? Rachel: I’ve never interviewed anyone before. I’ve actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn’t the same thing. Hilda: No dear. It’s not. Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in, it was nice to meet you. Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you. Rachel: All right. (Hilda exits) I’m a total pro! (There’s a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.) Man: Hello? Rachel: (seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I’m sorry the models are actually down the hall. Man: Actually, I’m here about the assistant job. Rachel: Really?! (Taking his resume) Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what’s—what is—what’s your name? Man: Tag Jones. Rachel: Uh-huh, go on. Tag: That’s it. That’s my whole name. Rachel: That’s your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well let’s-let’s just have a look-see here. (Looking at his resume) Tag: I know I haven’t worked in an office before, and I really don’t have a lot of experience, but uh… Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You’ve got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday’s, come on! Tag: It’s lame, I know. But I’m a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn… Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.) I’m sorry, it’s for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please? [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.] Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.) Phoebe: (To Monica) Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye. Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie. Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering? Monica: I can’t tell you. It’s a secret. Chandler: Secret? Married people aren’t supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another. Monica: Awww. (Kisses him.) But still no. Chandler: No I’m serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you. Monica: Really? Okay, so why don’t you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland? Chandler: Oh no-no, I can’t do that. Monica: If you tell me, I’ll tell you what Phoebe said. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Okay. Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we’re on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy. Monica: Oh my God. He threw up? Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebe’s secret? Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe’s old massage place is getting fired. Chandler: That’s it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that? Monica: That’s right! You lose sucker!! (Pause) Please still marry me. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.] Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right? Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick! Rachel: No, I-I just don’t know how you decide who to hire. I mean I’ve got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there’s this guy… Chandler: What about him? Rachel: I love him. He’s so pretty I wanna cry! I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do. Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don’t hire an assistant because they’re cute, you hire them because they’re qualified. Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what you’re saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.) Look how pretty! Phoebe: Let’s see. (Looking at the picture) Oh my God! Oh… But no! No! You can’t-you can’t hire him, because that—it’s not professional. Umm, this is for me (The picture) yes? Thanks. (Puts it in her pocket.) Rachel: Okay you’re right. I’ll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda! Chandler: Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Don’t show this to Monica! And don’t tell her about the W-H-Wow! [Scene: The Days of Our Lives producer’s office, Joey is entering to find Terry there.] Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey! Joey: Hey Terry! Terry: Good to see you again! Joey: It’s been a while, huh? Wow, it’s funny these halls look smaller than they used to. Terry: It’s a different building. Joey: So! Stryker Ramoray huh? When do you want me to start? Terry: Why don’t we start right now! Joey: Okay. Terry: Here are the audition scenes. (Holds out the script.) Joey: (looking between the pages and him) Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part. Terry: Why would you think that? Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Ramoray, Stryker’s twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right? Terry: Everybody has to audition. Joey: Y’know Terry, I-I don’t really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, (Pause) with a robot. Terry: I’m sorry Joey that’s…that’s the way it is. Joey: Well. I guess you think you’re pretty special huh? Sittin’ up here in your fancy small hall building. Makin’ stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well y’know what? (Throws the script away) This is one star who’s hoop… This is a star that the hoop—this hoop—I was Dr. Drake Ramoray! [Scene: Rachel’s office, she’s there as Tag knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant.] Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here? Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there aren’t any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first… (Notices her plant) There is a plant in your office. Rachel: Kinda. Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldn’t put "good at noticing stuff" on my resume. (Sets the plant down on her desk.) Rachel: Oh-ohh, thank you. Tag: Anyway, I’m guessing you hired somebody. Rachel: Well… Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. (Starts to leave.) Rachel: But I hired you! Tag: What? Rachel: Yeah! You-you got the job! You’re my new assistant! Tag: I am?! Rachel: Yeah! Tag: I can’t believe it! Rachel: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey. Monica: Hey! Good, you’re home! Chandler: Oh it’s always nicer to hear than, "Aw crap! You again!" Monica: Hey baby. (Kisses him.) Chandler: Hey. Monica: I made you a surprise. Chandler: Oh yeah? Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I’ve had such a craving for them. Chandler: Did you not understand the story? Ross: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey! What’s up? Monica: Ross! Ross: Oh, nothin’ much. Just trying to figure out what I’m gonna do for dinner. Chandler: Huh. Ross: (notices the table) Hey—Ooh! What’s-what’s that, dinner stuff? You making dinner? Chandler: No! (The oven dings.) Shhh! Ross: What you got over there? Tacos? Monica: No! No. They’re umm… They’re just uh…ground beef smileys. (Holding up one of the shells.) Ross: Uhh, those are tacos. Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico. Ross: Eh, either way I’ll pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still can’t eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) What’s so funny?! Monica: (trying not to laugh) I’m not laughing. (Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.) Ross: (To Chandler) You told her! Chandler: Nancy Thompson’s getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.) Ross: (To Monica) Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! It’s not like I chose to do it! It’s not like—It’s not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!" Monica: You’re right. I mean I’m sorry. Yeah, I shouldn’t be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets Chandler laughing.) Ross: (To Chandler) How could you tell her?! Chandler: I had to okay?! We’re getting married! Married couples can’t keep secrets from one another! Ross: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City. Chandler: Du-ude! Monica: (running up to Ross) What happened in Atlantic City?! Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar… Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!" Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you’re thinking, Chandler’s not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you’re right, Chandler’s not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with…girls. Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God. Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy. Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard… Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again? Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy. Commercial Break [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey a massage as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Hey—Ooh, how’s Hilda? Is she working out? Rachel: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes. Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job? Rachel: Oh, my-my new assistant was very happy that I hired my new assistant. (The phone rings and Joey answers it.) Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? (To Phoebe and Rachel) It’s the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me for a minute? (On phone) Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next week’s script. (Listens) Canceled?! (Listens) Like they’re taking it off the air? (Listens) Ohh. (Listens) All right, see you Monday. (Listens) We’re not even sh*t’ them anymore?!! (Listens) All right, bye! (Hangs up) They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E! Phoebe: Sorry. Rachel: I’m sorry Joey. Joey: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?! (Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each other, and go press their breasts against him. Which Joey doesn’t mind, of course.) [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away all of their secrets.] Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers! Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won! Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried! Monica: Oh my God! (Laughing) Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too! Monica: I-I already told him everything! (thrat) You shush!! Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she’d made. Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls! Ross: Monica couldn’t tell time ‘til she was 13! Monica: It’s hard for some people! Chandler: (To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wow—whoa! Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work! Chandler: Hey!!! Monica: Ohh, I’m sorry I couldn’t think of any more for Ross! Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm! Chandler: That was you! Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is still bumming about cancellation of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.] Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin’! Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives? Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there. Phoebe: What happened? Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go. Rachel: Joey, why would you do that? Joey: Because they wanted me to audition! Phoebe: You! An actor?! That’s madness! [Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone.] Tag: Rachel Green’s office. (Hangs up.) Rachel: Tag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi, who was that? Tag: (shyly) Nobody. I was just practicing. Rachel: Really? (Giggles.) (Phoebe rounds the corner.) Phoebe: Hi! Tag: Hi! Rachel Green’s office. Phoebe: You must be Hilda. Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second? (Goes into office.) Tag: Phoebe! That’s a great name. Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number. Rachel: (grabbing Phoebe) Okay. We’ll be right back. (They go into her office and she closes the door.) Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya? Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I’m telling you… Phoebe: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant. Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I’ve ever done. But I’m telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. (There’s a knock on the door.) Yes? (Kathy enters (Because she’s listed in the credits).) Kathy: Hey Rachel! Rachel: Hi! Kathy: Cute assistant! What’s his story? Is he… Rachel: Gay? Yeah. (Kathy leaves dejectedly.) [Scene: Terry’s office, Joey has come to beg for a second chance.] Joey: Hey! Terry. Terry: Joey Tribbiani! I’m surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! (Gets up) I gotta go Joey. Joey: Wait! Terry! Wait—Look—Wait I-I… Look, I’m really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I’m too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance. Terry: I can’t help you Joey. Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake. [Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.] Nurse #1: This poor guy’s been in a coma for five years. It’s hopeless. Nurse #2: It’s not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Ramoray’s a miracle worker. Look, here he comes. (Stryker enters, only it’s not Joey playing him.) Dr. Stryker Ramoray: Good morning. (He walks over to the bed, leans down, and whispers to him.) Drake, it’s your brother Stryker. Can you hear me? The Director: And cut! Joey: (jumping up and removing the bandages) I’m back baby! Ha-ha-ha! [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to each other.] Monica: Y’know, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue. Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me! Chandler: (To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now right? Monica: No! Chandler: Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.) Monica: I don’t know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! (Ross laughs.) What are you laughing at Pampers? (He stops laughing and glares at her.) Chandler: Y’know when I said that because we’re getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets? Monica: Yeah? Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Let’s not do that. Monica: Ohh, absolutely. Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else. Monica: Yeah, definitely! Ross: Okay, (gets up) if you’ll excuse me, I-I’m gonna go hang out with some people who don’t know the Space Mountain story. Monica: Then, I’d steer clear of Phoebe. Ross: Man! (Monica mouths, "I’m sorry.") Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn’t hang out with…all the guys in my office. (Ross storms out.) Ending Credits [Scene: Rachel’s office, she’s looking at a picture of Tag when he knocks and enters.] Rachel: (noticing him) Hi! (Puts the pictures away.) Tag: Do you have a minute? Rachel: Well yeah, sure, what’s up? Tag: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunch…by guys. Rachel: Oh really?! Tag: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay? Rachel: Oh, did you not want people to know that? Tag: But I’m not gay. And I especially wouldn’t want you to think I was gay. Rachel: Why’s that? Tag: I don’t think I should say. Rachel: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me things. (Motions for him to sit down.) Tag: Okay. Rachel: ‘Kay. Tag: Well… Rachel: Yeah. Tag: I’d love to ask out your friend Phoebe. Rachel: (Pause) Yeah, she’s gay. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x04 - The One With Rachel\u2019s Assistant"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Patty Lin Story by: Earl Davis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey. Monica: What’s the matter? Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!! Phoebe: Oh Willie’s still alive! Chandler: What are you guys doing? Monica: Oh, my mom called, they’re gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we’re looking for a good picture of us. Chandler: Oooh, I’m afraid that does not exist. Monica: That’s not true, there are great pictures of us! Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who’s going like this… (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.) Phoebe: Oh my God! That’s the creep that you’re with at the Statue of Liberty. Chandler: I don’t know what it is, I just can’t take a good picture. Monica: (looking at one) Oh, here’s a great one. Chandler: Yeah, I’m not in that. Monica: I know, but look at me: all tan. Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you guys go get portraits done by a professional photographer. Monica: That’s a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Y’know… (Does the whole hair blwing in the wind model type poses.) Phoebe: Yeah that’s great! Next to that, Chandler won’t look so stupid. Monica: Chandler what do you say? Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, I’m not going. I’m going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.] Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh… Chandler: How about those three-pointers? Ross: Amazing! Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin’ us play this time too. (They both get dejected and go sit down.) Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebe’s talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy. Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy? We call him Hums While He Pees. Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom. Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out! Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married. Phoebe: He is! But he’s getting divorced—Ross! Maybe you know him. Ross: It’s not a club. Rachel: Phoebe, if this guy’s going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him? Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men! Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club. Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work. Phoebe: You don’t have to be back for a half-hour! Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a crcker. Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y’know you can’t date him right? Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife. Ross: Soon he’ll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired. Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because I’m not gonna act on it. Phoebe: So you wouldn’t mind if he was dating someone else? Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isn’t he? He’s dating that slut in marketing! Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced men’s club. Chandler: Dude that is so sad. Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back. Chandler: Could I play? [Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, she’s returning from lunch to see Tag not doing his sit-ups.] Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag? Tag: I just did them. Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more! Tag: What? Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in? Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night? Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those? (He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel alone with his stuff. She notices his sweater in his backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a coworker, walks up.) Melissa: Hey Rachel! Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, what’s up? I’m just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y’know, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. What’s up? (She has put on the backpack.) Melissa: Umm, is Tag here? Rachel: No. Why? Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight. Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya? Melissa: Well, we’ve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that. Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain’t a locker room, okay? But, y’know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight. Melissa: Oh no! Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work. Melissa: Hey! Isn’t that Tag’s backpack. Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I don’t want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor. (Melissa beats a hasty retreat.) [Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler hasn’t.] The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great! That’s great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile? Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.) The Photographer: I’m sorry, is the seat uncomfortable? Chandler: No, I am. Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile. Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.) Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you don’t have to smile. Let’s try something else. Let’s try umm, try looking sexy. Chandler: Okay. (You’ll have to see it, I can’t describe the face he makes, but it isn’t good.) Monica: Or not. [Scene: Rachel’s Office, Joey is knocking on the door holding a hand over a spot on his shirt.] Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here? Joey: Uhh, well I’ve got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got an extra one? Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm…here. (Hands him one.) Joey: Great. (He doesn’t like it.) You got anything that’s not Ralph Lauren? Rachel: Yeah, I don’t think so Joe. Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine. Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight? Joey: Nothing, why? Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I’ll pay. Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say it’s gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude. Rachel: I’m not asking you to go on a date with him! Joey: Really? ‘Cause I could kinda use the money. Rachel: Joey, just-just he-he’s new in town and I know he doesn’t have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I’ll really appreciate it. Joey: Yeah, okay. Rachel: Yeah? Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.) Ooh—Hey, donuts! Rachel: Yeah! Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.) [Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture taken.] Monica: I know. Let’s try a look…of far off…wonderment. Okay, we’ll-we’ll gaze into our future and we’ll think about our marriage and the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.) Hey! Don’t laugh at him! He’s my drowning moron! Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.) Monica: That’s it! Take it! Take it! Take it! (Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.] Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and that’s why I have to kll you." Monica: They can’t all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is. Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me? Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread? (Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.) Phoebe: I’m having a really good time! Kyle: Me too! I’m sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck. Phoebe: Ohh. No that’s okay, he’s a friend. Kyle: Hey uh, I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go? Phoebe: Yeah, I… Well y’know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so I’d just be lost. Kyle: I know it’s really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss and—Oh no! No! No! My God! Phoebe: Okay, don’t freak out. I’ll go. Kyle: No it’s… Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy! Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross? Ross: Yeah? Phoebe: Yeah, umm that’s Whitney (Points), Kyle’s ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y’know divert her so that we can slip out? Ross: What?! No! Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.) Ross: Look, I don’t think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, I’ll do it. But just because you’re a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.] Phoebe: Hi Ginger. Ross: All right! I want my key back! Phoebe: I don’t have it! Ross: It’s right there! (Points to her hand.) Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the key.) Ross: Look, I’m sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs. Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though, for diverting Kyle’s ex. Ross: Oh yeah—No—You’re welcome. We’ll talk about it later. Phoebe: Okay. (Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.) Ross: Hi Whitney. Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast? Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay. Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyle’s ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her, not date her! Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! I’m sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night? Whitney: Sure. Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay? Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing? Ross: Yes! That’s where we realized we were both super cool people! Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her. Ross: Like what? Phoebe: Like she’s really mean, and she’s over critical, and-and—No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you! Ross: Okay. Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a wapon! Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I’ll be on full alert for room painting and sex wapon. Phoebe: You’re still gonna go out with her?! Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: Well, didn’t you just hear what I said?! Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husband’s gonna say that stuff. Now, if you’ll excuse me… Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She is crazy! Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isn’t sound proof. Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her! [Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel is standing there.] Tag: Good morning. Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night? Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game. Rachel: Ohh that’s nice. Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women! Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women? Tag: Well kinda old, like 30. Rachel: (Pause) Oh. Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night. Rachel: That’s great! Wow man, so Joey must’ve really taught you some stuff huh? Tag: A little. Rachel: Yeah? (A beautiful women walks up.) Tag: (To her, in the Joey voice) How you doin’? Commercial Break [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching Chandler how to smile. Chandler is smiling.] Joey: See? That’s a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. (Chandler immediately does The Face.) You’re changing it! Chandler: I can’t help it! Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shts? Chandler: Borrow money from me? Joey: Okay, first—first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down (Looks down), look down, keep looking down; then I look up. (Looks up and smiles.) See? All right, now you try. Look down (Chandler looks down), you’re looking down, keep looking down… Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe? Joey: I had a donut. (Chandler nods.) Rachel: (entering) Hi! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night. Joey: Yeah! That guy’s alright! Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey. Joey: What? Rachel: Y’know, all the women. Joey: Hey well, you can’t teach someone to be good with women. Y’know, that’s why I never had any luck with Chandler. Chandler: (Pause) I’m right here! Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it’s just—And I know he’s my assistant and I can’t date him—but it just bothers me, all right?! Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you can’t take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!! Chandler: I’m still right here! Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this dating tons of women thing is! Joey: (shocked) What?! Rachel: I just don’t want him to meet anybody until I am over my crush—And I will get over it. It’s-it’s not like I love him, it’s just physical! But—I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya! Joey: I know, Monica told me. Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me? Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head questioningly and Rachel nods no.) Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.) Rachel: (To Joey) So, will you talk to him? Joey: I don’t know Rach. Rachel: Oh, come on! I’ll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts. Joey: One! (Pause.) No ten! You said ten! You can’t take that back! [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters carrying a bag.] Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me? Joey: I don’t know. You uh, you got something for me? Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel. (He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its contents.) Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag there’s such a thing as too many women. Tag: Really? Joey: Yeah, for you! [Scene: The Portrait Studio, Monica is waiting for Chandler to make another attempt at taking a good picture.] Monica: (seeing him approach) Hey! There you are! Chandler: There I am! Monica: Are you okay? Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine. Monica: What?! Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!! Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking? Chandler: I don’t know, but don’t worry, don’t worry, because I know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look down, look down… (He falls asleep.) Monica: Chandler? Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.] Phoebe: Hi. Ross: Hi. Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet? Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay—and F.Y.I she must’ve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass." Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she should’ve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom. Ross: Well, I don’t think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe that’s just because I am not emotionally unavailable! Phoebe: You think he’s emotionally unavailable? Ross: I think he can be. Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldn’t be if she didn’t bring the office home every night! Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life! Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year’s Eve 1997. Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!! Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!! Ross: So do we!! So do we!! (Ross notices a couple has been staring at them.) I’m sorry you had to see that. [Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is entering.] Tag: Good morning Rachel. Rachel: Hi! (He hands her her mail) Thanks, hey so uh what’d you do last night? Tag: Went out with Joey. Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of bird-dogging the chickas? Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I don’t think I’m gonna do that bar scene anymore. Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming. Tag: It’s just not really who I am. Y'know, I’ve always been happier when…Why am I telling you this? You don’t care about this stuff. Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, y’know? Tag: When I’m in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend. Rachel: Really? Tag: Someone I can spoil, y’know? Rachel: Sp-spoil? Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something? Rachel: Uh-huh. Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone? Rachel: Well, I-I’m startin’ too. Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right? Rachel: Yes! Hell yes! Tag: All right then, it’s settled. Rachel: Okay. Tag: I’m gettin’ back together with my ex-girlfriend. Rachel: I’d love to! Tag: What? Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah! [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now they’re not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.] Ross: My God! Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, how’s Whitney? Ross: Well maybe she wouldn’t have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was! Phoebe: Oh he knows! (Quietly) For the most part. (Kyle and Whitney enter.) Kyle: Oh hey! Good, you’re both here. Whitney: We kinda need to talk. Phoebe: Both of you together? Ross: Wh-what’s up? Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyle’s last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscing… Kyle: …we talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. So… (Pause) Ross: Oh just say it Kyle! Kyle: We’re gonna give it another try. Phoebe: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?! Whitney: I’m gonna work on that. Phoebe: Oh right, because you’re so capable of change. Ross: (To Whitney) Y’know, he hums when he pees! Whitney: I do know. Ross: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever. Whitney: We’re so sorry. (They get up to leave.) Ross: That’s all right, we-we don’t need you. In fact, hey I’m over it already. Phoebe: Yeah, and y’know what? I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass. Kyle: Yeah, we’re gonna go. (They leave.) Ross: (To Phoebe) I’m sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Y’know, she did try to use sex as a wapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little. Phoebe: Oh. Y’know, he hums while he does other stuff to. Ross: Yeah, we're better off without them. Phoebe: And y’know, even if they break up again, you’d better not let him in your sad men’s club! Ross: Divorced men’s club. Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. (She’s pronounces potato with the both the short and long As.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.] Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper! Phoebe: Ooh, let’s see it! Chandler: Ahhh. Monica: Okay. (She opens it up and shows it to them.) Chandler: Oh yeah, that looks good. Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple. (The camera cuts to a sht of the picture and we see that Monica is posing with Joey instead of Chandler.) Joey: Yeah, we look great together. Monica: Yeah, we really do! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Wow! Imagine what our kids would look like! Joey: Y’know, we don’t have to imagine. Chandler: I’m marrying her. Joey: We’ll just see. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x05 - The One With The Engagement Picture"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are having brunch.] Monica: Okay, the reason why I asked you guys out to brunch today is because I have been doing some thinking about who should be my maid of honor. Rachel: Oh my God! This is it! (She and Phoebe hold hands.) (To Phoebe) I really hope it’s you! Phoebe: I hope it’s you. Rachel: Me too! Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much and you’re both so important to me… Rachel: Okay, bla-bla-bla-bla!! Who is it?! Monica: Well umm, I was thinking that maybe we could come up with a system where we trade off being maid of honor for each other. Like hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine… Phoebe: Yes!!! Oh!! Rachel: Hypothetically! Phoebe: Still. Monica: If Phoebe were my maid of honor… Rachel: Uh-hmm. Monica: Rachel would be Phoebe’s, I would be Rachel’s, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset. Rachel: Yeah that’s actually a pretty good idea. Phoebe: Yeah, I’ll do that. So who gets to be yours? Monica: (laughs) Well that’s the best part. Umm, you guys get to decide! Phoebe: Wh-why is that the best part? Monica: Because then I don’t have to! Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing (A woman at the table behind them overhears Chandler’s name and starts listening closer), my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that… Monica: I’m really not deciding! Rachel: Fine! (The woman gets up and walks over to their table.) Woman: Excuse me, I-I couldn’t help overhearing, you’re marrying Chandler Bing? Monica: Yeah that’s right. Woman: (sarcastically) Huh, good luck! Phoebe: Aww, and good luck to you too! (To Monica and Rachel) What a nice lady! Opening Credits [Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are finishing watching Die Hard on video.] Chandler: Die Hard still great! Joey: Yep. Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature? Chandler: What’d you rent? Joey: Die Hard 2. Chandler: (looking at the tape) Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again. Joey: Oh, well we watch it a second time and its Die Hard 2! Ross: Joey, we just saw it! Joey: And? Ross: And it’ll be cool to see it again! Yeah! Joey and Ross: Die Hard!!!!!! Ross: Dude, you didn’t say Die Hard. Is everything okay? Chandler: Yeah, I just got uh, got plans. Ross: Well, John McClane had plans! Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch. Joey: What are you talking about? Bitch. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is bringing Rachel some coffee.] Phoebe: Hey Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Umm, when I get married will you be my maid of honor? Rachel: Really?! Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe! I mean I’m just—Wait a minute. If I’m your maid of honor that means you are Monica’s. Phoebe: Oh! Well, if that’s what you want… Rachel: Ohh! No way Phoebe! I want to be Monica’s! Phoebe: But why does it even matter?! Rachel: Why does it matter so much to you?! Phoebe: Because this one is now! And-and it’s two of our best friends! Who knows what you’re gonna marry! Rachel: What-what if I marry Ross—Or Joey? Phoebe: (gasps) You wouldn’t! Okay look, Rachel I know you really want to do this, but I-I’ve never been maid of honor to anyone before! And I know you’ve done it at least twice! Rachel: Yeah but Phoebe… Phoebe: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. (Rachel stops talking.) Oh I guess that was it. Rachel: Okay. Okay. It’s—since you’ve never done it before you can be Monica’s maid of honor. Phoebe: Oh, thank you so much! (They hug.) Okay. Rachel: I’m gonna marry someone good y’know. Phoebe: Oh I know. Rachel: Better than Chandler. (Phoebe exhales as if to say, "Like what isn’t?") [Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I don’t think Joey and Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And they’re on the same couch. Which means they’re sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is on the other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping together. Well, there hasn’t been any clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping together. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. That is unless you’re a Republican in which case that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of Western society, especially if they should happen to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at the same time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up.] Ross: What happened?!! Joey: Well, I don’t know!! Ross: We fell asleep! That is all. Joey: Yeah. Yep. Yeah. All right, well uh, I’d better go. Ross: I think that would be best. Joey: Yeah. All right, I’ll talk to you later. Ross: Okay. But not about this! Joey: No! Never! Never! (Pause, then Joey wants to shake Ross’s hand.) Bye. Ross: No touch! No touch! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just gotten back from brunch and is telling Chandler about it.] Monica: Yeah hey, a weird thing happened today when I was at brunch. This woman overheard that I was marrying you and-and then she…she wished me good luck. Chandler: That’s sweet. Monica: No, it’s more like a (sarcastically) good luck. Chandler: So uh, what did this woman look like? Monica: She was like 30, dark hair, attractive. Chandler: Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror? Monica: Come on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college? Chandler: No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive… (Thinks a little while.) Hold on one second; let me check this out. (He gets up and grabs a photo album. Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: Well, let’s see… (Finding the picture he wants.) Okay uh, is that her? (Pointing to the picture.) Monica: Oh my God yes! Who is she? Chandler: Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend. Monica: Did you break up with her? Chandler: (pause) No, we’re still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her. Monica: Why? Chandler: Well, ‘cause she came back the third summer and she’d gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow… Monica: Fat?! Chandler: I did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-ow…" Monica: You broke up with a girl because she was fat?! Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still feel bad? Monica: Well, apparently she does. Chandler: Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. (Monica is not amused by that statement.) Seriously, good luck marrying me. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Rachel and Phoebe are already there.] Joey: Hey! What’s going on? Rachel: Phoebe is gonna be Monica’s maid of honor! Joey: Hey! Well I hope it goes better than the last time you did it for that girl downstairs, remember? (Phoebe glares at him.) Rachel: (shocked) You have been maid of honor before?!! Phoebe: See? This is exactly why you shouldn’t lie! Rachel: All right that’s it! I am maid of honor! Phoebe: Na-uh, I am! Rachel: How come you are?! Phoebe: Because I cared enough to lie! Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, I can help you decide who should do it! Yeah, we could have like uh, like an audition and see how you’d handle maid of honor type situations. Phoebe: What are you talking about? Joey: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition and if I’m the best of the people they see, they give me the part. Phoebe: Okay, so after this audition, who decides who gets it? Joey: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges. Phoebe: (To Rachel) Well, it’s better than us deciding. Rachel: Oh, come on! This is crazy! Can’t we just flip a coin?! Phoebe: No! Coins hate me! Rachel: Okay. Okay fine, y’know what? We will let Ross and Joey decide. (Ross enters.) (In a sexy voice.) Hiiiii, Ross! Sweetie. Phoebe: Hey there, you handsome thing. (Rachel and Phoebe exit.) Ross: Wow, this cologne really is every bit as good as Georgio. Joey: Hi. Ross: Just uh, brought back your videos. Joey: Uh hey look uh Ross, look I think we need to talk about before. Ross: No! No we don’t! Joey: Yes we do! Now look, that was the best nap I ever had!! Ross: I… I don’t know what you are talking about. Joey: Come on! Admit it! That was the best nap you ever had! Ross: I’ve had better. Joey: Okay! When?! Ross: All right! All right! It was the best nap ever! Joey: Uh-huh! Ross: I’ve said it! Okay?! But it’s over Joey! Joey: I want to do it again. Ross: We can’t do it again. Joey: Why not? Ross: Because it’s weird! Joey: Fine! Do you want something to drink? Ross: Sure, what do you got? Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin P.M. (Ross just leaves.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is approaching the bathroom door behind which Chandler is using the facility.] Monica: Chandler! (Knocks on the door.) Chandler! I just figured out who you are! Chandler: Can you figure out what I’m doing? Monica: You’re Lewis Posin. Chandler: Who? Monica: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why? Chandler: Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?! Monica: No! But because he thought I was too faaaaa…. (Chandler emerges, without flushing by the way.) And every time I think about it, it makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade! Y’know, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie. Chandler: What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago. Monica: No, I know. But y’know what? It would make me feel better if Lewis apologized to me. Chandler: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you fell in love with! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for the maid of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.] Joey: Okay, all right, this is how it’s going to work. We’re gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest. Ross: No, 10 is the highest. Joey: Why is 10 the highest? Ross: Because it’s the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Okay, Rachel you’re up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: You’re with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the part of Monica.) Joey: (crying) I don’t want to marry Chandler! Rachel: Okay, uh… Joey: I’ve got cold feet. Rachel: …it’s gonna be okay! Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don’t know if I can do it! This means I’ll never get to sleep with Joey! Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y’know, it’s-it’s just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don’t get to keep the gifts. Joey: (out of his Monica character) Very good! Drawing on your own experience, I like that! Rachel: Thanks! Ross: Yes, very nice Rachel. Rachel: Thank you judges. Phoebe: Ugh, what a kiss ass. Rachel: Oh! Joey: Okay, Phoebe… Phoebe: Yes! Your honor? Joey: We’re now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say, "I do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go! Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that—(Phoebe screams and tackles him)—Ooh!! Ow! Very good! Phoebe: Oh! Joey: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score! Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony! Phoebe: Hey! Do you want, do you want a little taste of Pheebs?! Ross: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech. Rachel: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven’t pre… Ross: Go! Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Webster’s Dictionary defines marriage as… (Ross and Joey start writing.) Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!! Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh… I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six-year-olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six-year-old. Ross and Joey: Oh! That’s nice. Rachel: Thank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I’ve known them separately and I’ve known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass (Grabs a glass and holds it up) to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey. Joey: Wow. (To Ross) Good speech. Ross: Yeah, it really was! Rachel: Aw, thanks! Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess you’re next (To Joey) although I really don’t see the point. Joey: Yeah. Phoebe: Okay, I can’t believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married. I remember talking about this today with Rachel while we were showering together, naked. (Raises her glass and drinks.) (Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.) Joey: And she’s back in the game. [Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning.] Chandler: (she opens the door) Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me. Julie: Hello Skidmark. Chandler: (To Monica) It’s a nickname, I’ll explain later. Monica: It’s pretty clear. Chandler: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight. Julie: That’s why you broke up with me? Chandler: You-you-you didn’t know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is done! [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the results of their election. Somewhat faster than Florida I might add.] Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both performed very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for Rachel—Damnit! Phoebe: Really?! I won! Rachel: What?! Ross: I’m sorry Rach, it was, it was really close. Rachel: Well then I demand a recount! (Hmm, I wonder where I’ve heard that before.) Ross: Actually, it wasn’t that close. Rachel: No! Y’know what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous—We’re gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.) Phoebe: The coins have finally forgiven me! Rachel: Well y’know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower! (Runs out.) Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, it’s gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best! Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me. Ross: Yeah? Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch. (Raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him.) Ross: Why-why would I care about that? Joey: No reason, I’m just saying that uh… That’s where I’ll be. (Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.) [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica have returned from Julie’s.] Chandler: As bad as that went, I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I’m going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do. Monica: Why don’t you just stop doing stupid things? Then you wouldn’t have to apologize. Chandler: I would really love it if I could do both. Monica: All right, I…I have to ask. Chandler: What? Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again? Chandler: What?! Monica: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she have gained? Chandler: A hundred and forty-five pounds. Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! That’s not the point. Chandler: Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15! Monica: Well… That’s not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat. Chandler: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different. Monica: How? Chandler: You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back! Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean I’m gonna look different. I’m okay with that, but I’m not sure that you are! Chandler: Look you have to realize I don’t think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you’re Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica. Monica: Keep going. Chandler: So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you. Monica: Even if I shrink down to two inches tall? Chandler: I’d carry you around in my pocket. Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.) Chandler: Skidmark’s still got a way with the ladies. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a shopping bag.] Rachel: Hi Pheebs. Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. I’m really sorry I was a baby. Phoebe: That’s ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. (Rachel looks at her.) Oh, you mean today. Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and y’know you-you deserve to win. And-and y’know I was thinking about it, if-if you’re Monica’s maid of honor that means I get to be yours. Phoebe: Oh yeah! Rachel: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff together, y’know just in case… Phoebe: Oh that’s so sweet thanks. Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and here’s a little purse that I found. (Hands her the purse) Y’know I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there. Phoebe: Ohh. Rachel: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y’know ‘cause, people cry at weddings. (Starting to cry.) I’m just gonna grab a couple of these. Phoebe: This stuff is great! Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica’s something borrowed and it’s blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah… Phoebe: Y’know Rach, I think that, I think you should be Monica’s maid of honor. Rachel: You do? Why? Phoebe: Because I think it means more to you. Rachel: But Pheebs, y’know you earned it. Phoebe: It's fine. I mean, this is something that you’ve been thinking about since you were what, 14? (She’s referring to the Halloween picture.) Rachel: No, I was ten. I just developed early. Phoebe: (looking at the picture again) Man alive! Monica: (entering) Hey, what’s going on? Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Well, we just decided that Rachel is gonna be your maid of honor. Monica: (gasps) Ohh, wow! That’s great! (Rachel and Monica hug.) Oh wow! We really have to start planning! I have, I have a lot of really specific ideas! We should probably get together like four times per week. You can come over to my place; we’ll get together before work! What do you say, 6:30, my place? I’m so excited! (Runs out leaving Rachel completely stunned and Phoebe laughing.) Rachel: Yeah okay, you laugh now, but she’s gonna be yours. (Phoebe gets suddenly scared.) Ending Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.] Joey: Great nap. Ross: It really was. (Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gng staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gng.) Joey: (reacting first by jumping up) Dude! What the hell are you doing?! God! (Heads for his room leaving Ross.) Ross: (slowly stands up and says quietly) Excuse me. (Exits.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x06 - The One With The Nap Partners"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Scott Silveri Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating breakfast as Rachel enters, having just woken up.] Joey: Morning! Rachel: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night? Joey: Pretty good. Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.) Joey: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I’m late for work. Rachel: What-what?! You’re gonna leave this person with me?! Joey: Yeah—Hey, don’t worry, she’s a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I’m not looking for a serious relationship; that’d be great. Rachel: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?! Joey: Just casually slip it in, y’know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I’m a loner—No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn’t want to get mixed up with the likes of me. Rachel: Y’know what? That’s a lot to remember, can’t I just tell her you’re a pig? Joey: Hey, I’m gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He’d even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he’d make extras and leave ‘em for me. Rachel: Well forget it, I’m not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility. Joey: Fine! (Pause) Now, where’d we land on those pancakes? (She chases him out the door as his date emerges from the bathroom.) Joey’s Date: Hi! Rachel: Hi. Joey’s Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn’t get that lock to work on the door. Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in. Joey’s Date: You must be Rachel, I’m Erin. Rachel: Hi. Erin: Hi. I don’t mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me? Rachel: (pause) Would you like some pancakes? Opening Credits [Scene: N.Y.U’s University Library, Ross is entering with Chandler.] Chandler: …Come on! Why are we here?! Ross: Okay, okay take a guess. (An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.) Chandler: The hot chicks? Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y’know-y’know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It’s here! Yeah, it’s right-it’s right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.) Chandler: Wow that’s actually pretty cool. Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, there’s also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that? Chandler: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system. (They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, let’s just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.) Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross) I’m so sorry! Male Student: Sorry! Chandler: You didn’t bring me here to do that, did you? [Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is cooking as a waitress enters carrying a plate of food that has been sent back.] Monica: She sent the chicken back again?! The Waitress: She says it’s too dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it. Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in! (The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasn’t taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she can’t be that good a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.) The Colonel: OH…MY…GAWD!!!! (Yep, it’s Janice.) Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planet’s most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. She’s the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice. Janice: How are you Ms. Hot sh*t chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! (Does the laugh.) Monica: I’m fine. Janice: (notices Monica’s engagement ring) Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I’m blind! Monica: Oh… Uh… Janice: So, who’s the lucky guy? [Cut to Monica and Chandler’s just after Monica has finished telling Chandler what happened.] Chandler: OH…MY…GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn’t tell her we were getting married, did you? Monica: Well, she saw the ring. Chandler: Did she freak out? Monica: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most people. Chandler: Right. Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y’know herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too. Chandler: (laughs) You said no, right? Monica: Huh? Chandler: You said no, right?! Monica: Well, she cornered me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?! Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check’s in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can’t wait to read your book, Ross!! Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won’t be so bad. Chandler: What do you think, she’s just gonna sit there quietly? You don’t think she’s gonna want to make a toast? You don’t think she’s gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?! Monica: Oh my God, she’s not gonna like the chicken that night either, is she?! Chandler: Y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. Y’know what? She’s probably not gonna even want to come. Monica: Really? Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was? Monica: So-so you would’ve just lied? Chandler: Yes!! Monica: Would it really have been that easy? Chandler: Yes!!! Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because we’re going to dinner with her and Clark. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned, are there.] Joey: Hey! What’s up? Phoebe and Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey-hey, who’s your friend? (Erin turns around to face Joey, startling him) Hey!! Erin: Hey Joey! Joey: Erin! Still here! Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time! Joey: Why wouldn’t ya? Erin is great! Then-then there’s you guys. Erin: Ohh, listen. I’ve got to get going. Today was great, thanks! Rachel: I know! Phoebe: Okay! Erin: Bye Joey. (Kisses him.) Last night was fun. Joey: Yeah. I’ll uh, I’ll call ya. Rachel: Oh and I’ll call ya too! Erin: Or I’ll call you! Phoebe: And call me! Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again. Erin: Bye. Joey: Bye-bye. Rachel: Bye! (Joey closes the door behind her.) Joey: So, system kinda broke down huh?! Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m sorry I just couldn’t tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And y’know we got to talking and I… Phoebe: We want you to marry her! Joey: What?!! Phoebe: She is so amazing! You have no idea. Joey: No idea? Who do you think brought her here? Rachel: Cupid. Phoebe: Joey, she’s so cool. She speaks four languages. Joey: Man, do you know what guys want! Rachel: Look Joey, come on, she’s so perfect for you! I mean, she’s sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch. Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, she’s a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just—I don’t see it going anywhere. Phoebe: Yeah, but you always say that. Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere. Joey: Look, I’m sorry you guys, I-I just don’t think so. Phoebe: Whatever. Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.) Joey: Hey, don’t start judging me! (To Rachel) Huh? You’re the one who’s in love with her assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, you’re the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof! Rachel: Phoebe! Phoebe: Secret affair! [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.] Ross: People are doing it in front of my book! Rachel: I’m sorry? Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin’ babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section! Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good? Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around. Rachel: Yeah, there was. It was—there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read—Yes, there was. Ross: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it’s like uh-a thing! Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall? Ross: Oh for cryin’ out loud! (He storms out.) Joey: All right, so we should go catch our movie. Rachel: Well now what’s the rush? Joey: I like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at him.) The candy. Phoebe: (entering with Erin) Oh. Hey! Rachel: Well look who’s here! Erin: Hey! Joey: Hey! Erin: Joey. Joey: Erin. Erin: Hey Rachel. Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no! Erin: What’s wrong? Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to. Phoebe: Oh no. Joey: (skeptical) What party? Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party. Joey: Who’s birthday party? Phoebe and Rachel: Alison’s birthday party. Joey: (still skeptical) Oh, and how old is Alison? Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joey’s not buying it.) Rachel: (does a retching sound) Wait a minute! Why don’t you guys do something?! Joey: (still skeptical) Yeah, look how that worked out. Commercial Break [Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on duty.] Ross: Excuse me. Hi, I’m a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437? The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift. Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! (The librarian brings his boss over.) The Head Librarian: How can I help you? Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it. The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring to. (He turns to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, I’m afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can’t help you. Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I’m the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I’ll go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And don’t you follow me! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: How did it go with Erin? Joey: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time! Phoebe: Yay!! Oh so, you’re not, you’re not mad at us anymore? Joey: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the first time we went out. Y’know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous. Phoebe: Didn’t you sleep together? Joey: Yeah, that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if we were ever to have kids, well that’s a… Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talkin’ about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please don’t get married before I do. Joey: Okay. [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.] Janice: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up! Monica: He might still show up. Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? It’s been three hours. Monica: Is that all? Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don’t you tell about your lovely wedding? Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it’s going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We’re not even sure why we’re having it. Monica: It’s actually going to be just family. Janice: Oh…wait…you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red? [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there.] Joey: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer! Erin: What about Benitez? Joey: What about Game 1 of the Series? Erin: What about shut up? Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) I’ll be right back. Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.) Rachel: So how’s it goin’ with Joey? Erin: Uh, okay. Rachel: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him. Erin: Look, he’s a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don’t see this having a future. Rachel: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?! Erin: Kinda. Phoebe: Then change it back! Erin: I’m sorry I… It’s just there’s no real spark. Phoebe: No spark? Didn’t you sleep together? Erin: Yeah. Rachel: Ugh, tramp! Phoebe: Does Joey have any idea? Erin: I really don’t think he does. And y’know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Y’know, tell him I’m-I’m not interested in a serious relationship or something. Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that you’re kind of a loner. Erin: Yeah! That would be great! Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that you’re a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesn’t matter what she said. It’s not important so I don’t need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.) Erin: I’m sorry? Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isn’t one of the four languages you speak. Joey: (returning) Hey! You wanna go? Erin: Yeah, let’s go. Joey: Okay. See you guys later. Erin: Bye guys. Rachel: Yeah, see ya. Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.) Rachel: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here. Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf. [Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up.] Ross: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you? Guy: Yeah, we were…we were just looking around. Ross: Oh-oh, you’re-you’re fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stock’s musings on the Smiledon Californicus? Guy: Uhh…. Ross: Ah… Ah…Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion’s views on evolution? Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion’s views far too progressionist. Ross: I find Marion’s views far too progressionist. Woman: I’m sorry, who are you? Ross: I’m a professor here uh, Ross…Geller. Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It’s uh—Wait! (Grabs his book off of the shelf.) Did you write this? Ross: Yes! You’re the person who checked out my book?! Woman: Y’know, you look nothing like I would’ve thought. You’re…you’re so young. Ross: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade. [Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.] Ross: I am very…very sorry. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: So how was, how was your date? Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still… And guess what, I’m thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts. Phoebe: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you? Joey: No-no-no-no-no! It’s a surprise, but it’s gonna be tricky though because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while. Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah. Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she’s not lookin’ for a serious relationship. Joey: Where are you gettin’ this? Rachel: Well, she told me. She said she’s kind of a loner. Joey: Oh. Oh. Rachel: Joey… Joey: No hey Rach, it’s cool okay? Y’know I’m a loner too! (Heads for his room.) Right? Phoebe: Hey Joey, y’know what? You are way too good for her. Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell ‘em you’re not looking for a relationship. Joey: No! No. Don’t do that, just next time make sure she really likes me. Rachel: Well that too. (Joey goes into his room.) Joey? Joey: Yeah? Rachel: Do you want some pancakes? Joey: (coming back out) Finally! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.] Monica: What are we gonna do? Chandler: I say we go with Careless Whisper. (There’s a knock on the door and Janice enters.) Janice: Chandler? Chandler: (To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us? Monica: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here? Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldn’t really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family. Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren’t they? Janice: Please, it’s because otherwise I really don’t know what I might do. Chandler: Aren’t you just a tinsy bit curious? Janice: (starting to cry) Do you have any tissues? Monica: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom. Janice: Okay! (She runs for the bathroom) Monica: We’ll just…we’ll just let her stay. Chandler: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever! Monica: Kinda like your barcalounger. Chandler: Is that what you’re thinking about right now? Monica: I never stop thinking about it. Janice: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath. Chandler: Janice, I’m sorry but umm, you can’t stay here tonight. Janice: Why not? Chandler: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not. (And she does the laugh.) Janice: Okay, I’m going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird sound) Do you have a cat? ‘Cause it’s already happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.) (Chandler does the same nasal sound to Chandler.) Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to go! Janice: Why? Monica: Because Chandler still has feelings for you! Janice: He does? Chandler: Say again? Monica: That’s right. That’s right. And that is why you can’t stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldn’t come to the wedding. Chandler: Feelings, such strong feelings. Monica: I mean, I realize that his feelings may never completely go away, but you can. Janice: Oh…my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so sorry, I’ll go. (Starts for the door.) Good-bye Monica (hugs her), I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him. Chandler, (hugs him) you call me when this goes in the pooper. (Hurries out.) Ending Credits [Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is on patrol and stops a security guard through the stack of books.] Ross: (to the guard) Don’t sweat it, I’ve got this section covered. Yeah, in fact I’ve got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in people’s eye—(The guard walks away)—Okay, see you later. (Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but they stop when they see him.) Chandler: I just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x07 - The One With Ross\u2019s Book"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Patty Lin Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help from: Didi Chow [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the kitchen, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around the table writing on notepads, while Chandler is looking over their shoulders.] Ross: (entering) Hey everybody! Happy Thanksgiving! Chandler: No, no, no. No-no-no. Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe: Shhhh! Ross: What, are we keeping Thanksgiving a secret this year? Chandler: No, we're playing this game I learned at work. You have to name all the states in six minutes. Ross: What? That's like insanely easy! Chandler: Now, that's a lot harder than it sounds. You always forget at least one, or in some cases... fourteen (looks over to Monica). Monica: It's a stupid game and I wasn't playing against other people, so technically I didn't lose. Ross: What? You forgot fourteen states? Monica: Nobody cares about the Dakotas. (That’s true in so many ways, trust me, I’ve lived in one and been to the other.) [Chandler's watch beeps] Chandler: Oh, okay, time's up! Rachel: All right, I got 48. Chandler: Oh that's not bad, Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh, I got tired of naming states. So I decided to list the types of celery, and I have one: regular celery. Chandler: Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe has the lead in…vegetables, Joey? Joey: Say hello to the new champ of Chandler's dumb states game. Ross: Wow, how many have you got? Joey: Fifty-six! Opening Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross is sitting in the couch doing Chandler's game. Chandler is sitting in his barcalounger. The girls are in the kitchen.] Joey: Hey! How is New England not a state? Huh? They have a sports team! Chandler: Does South Oregon have a sports-team? (Joey strikes one from his list) There you go. [Cut to the girls in the kitchen.] Rachel: (counting the place settings) How come we have one extra place setting? Monica: 'Cause you invited your assistant. Rachel: Oh, right. Sorry. But Tag's not coming; his girlfriend came into town, so he's spending Thanksgiving with her. Monica: Oh! Why didn't you tell me? I made him his own individual sweet potato stuffed pumpkin. Rachel: Well, I was going to, but then I figured, you know... your food is so delicious and perfect, you can never have too many of those pumpkin things. Monica: Now you think I wouldn't enjoy that, because it is so fake, (Laughs) but I still do. Phoebe: Regular Celery! (Starts to write that on her list) Oh, I already have that. (She gets up and heads for her room) Ross: Done! With time-a to spare. Chandler: Oooh that may be a New World's record (Looks at his watch and picks up Ross' pad) Ross: You know, I hate to lecture you guys, but it's kinda disgraceful, that a group of well-educated adults and Joey can't name all the states. Did you ever see a map, or one of those round, colorful things called "a globe?" Hmm? Chandler: Uh, Magellan? You got 46 states. (Smiles and hands Ross back his pad) Ross: What? That's impossible. Joey: 46. Wow! Who's well educated now, Mr. I-forgot-ten-states? Monica: All right, I'm out of oven space. I'm gonna turn on Joey's. Please, watch him! Do not let Joey eat any of the food! Chandler: I am only one man! (Monica heads out) Okay Ross, time is up! Ross: No, just give me another minute. Chandler: Look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them, okay? That is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kll yourself. Ross: This-this is crazy! I can do this! All right, uhh, I bet I can get all 50 before dinner. Chandler: Okay, but if you can't…no dinner! Ross: You're on! Joey: (gets up) All right. Don't look at my list, Ross, 'cause there's a lot on there that you don't have. Monica: (entering, to Joey and Rachel) Hey, did you guys know that your oven doesn't work? Joey: But the drawer full of take-out menus is okay, right? Monica: Ross, I'm gonna use yours, okay? Ross: Pshhshhh! Monica: Chandler? Can you give me a hand? (Grabs her jacket) Chandler: Sure, and Joey; do not let Ross look at any of the maps or the globe in your apartment. Joey: Don't worry, Chandler, it's not a globe of the United States. [Chandler and Monica head out with some stuff. Phoebe comes out of her room with a bag.] Phoebe: Hey you guys I'm gonna go out and take a walk. Ross: Phoebe, why is your bag moving? Phoebe: Oh, it's not! Rachel: Seriously, it's moving! Joey: What the hell is in there? Phoebe: It's just my knitting that's all! (A dog sticks its head out of Phoebe's bag. Everyone looks puzzled.) Yes! I knit this. I'm very good. [Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Chandler enter.] Monica: Ross’s apartment is nice! How come we don't hang out here more often? Chandler: I don't know. Maybe it's because it smells a little weird. It's like old pumpkins or something. Monica: That's my pie! Chandler: Which smells delicious! Monica: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Chandler: What? Monica: We left Joey alone with the food! (Walks towards the window and looks out) Yep! Yep, I knew it! There he is... feeding stuffing to a dog! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Ross is still doing his list. Rachel and Joey are feeding the dog as the phone rings.] Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hi Geller-Bing residence. How can I help? Monica: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment? Phoebe: I'm sorry, who's this? Monica: Phoebe, there's a dog sitting on my couch! Chandler: Tell her, I'm allergic, and I will sue! Phoebe: No, there's no dog here? Monica: Yes there is! He's black and white and shaggy and [Cut to Monica’s apartment] he's sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel's hand. Phoebe: Oh my god! Where are you? (Looks around.) Monica: I'll be right there! Phoebe: (Phoebe hangs up and someone knocks on the door. She gasps.) They're here already? How are they doing this? Rachel: (gets up and opens the door) Hi Tag! What are you doing here? Tag: I, uh, wanted to see if your offer to spend Thanksgiving with you is still good. Rachel: Well, sure! Come in! (He enters) Well, what-what happened to your girlfriend? Tag: We kinda broke up this morning. Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Tag: Yeah, so she went back to Ohio. Ross: Ohio!! Thank you! [Time lapse, Chandler and Monica enter.] Chandler: Huh! Where is the dog?! Ross: What dog? There-there's no dog here. Joey: Yeah that dog left! Monica: (walks to Phoebe's door) Phoebe! Phoebe, open up! Phoebe: There's no dog in here. [The dog barks.] Chandler: Phoebe, we can hear the dog barking! Phoebe: No that's just me coughing! (Doing some weird coughing noises and the dog barks again. Phoebe comes out of the room.) Oh, good, there you are! Listen, um, I have a dog in my room. Chandler: What is it doing here? Phoebe: Well, I'm watching it for some friends who went out of town. Wait. (She bends down, picks up the dog, and waves with one of its paws) Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people? Monica: Oooh, I wish she could stay here, but Chandler is allergic! Chandler: Extremely allergic, okay? If I'm anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my throat will just close up! Phoebe: That's odd, 'cause this dog's been living here for the past 3 days Chandler: (gasping) Really? Monica: Chandler, if that dog's been here that long, and you haven't had a reaction, maybe you're not allergic to this dog? Chandler: Well, it still has to go, right? Monica and Phoebe: Why? Chandler: Okay, it's um… Joey: (interrupting him) Don't do it! Monica: Don't do what? Chandler: (to Joey) I have to! Okay? It's time! (Joey shrugs as if to say, "Do what you have to do") Okay, I hate dogs. All: What? Phoebe: Are you crazy? Ross: Are you out of your mind? Phoebe: Why? Joey: Told ya. (Waves bye-bye.) Chandler: They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can't tell what they are thinking, and that scares me a little bit. Ross: Right, they are scary. (He jumps up, screaming) Ahh, she just ate a treat out of my hand!!! Rachel: Wait a minute. Do you not like all dogs? I mean, not even puppies? Chandler: (scared) Is there a puppy here? Tag: You don't like puppies? Chandler: (to Tag) Okay, you are new! Joey: Look, Chandler, I told you, never tell anyone about this dog thing. It's like Ross not likin’ ice cream. Phoebe: You don't like ice cream? Ross: It's too cold. Chandler: Okay, it's just that dogs make me a little uncomfortable. Ross: (to Phoebe) It hurts my teeth. Chandler: And I don't wanna say this, I don't want you guys to hate me, but uh, I don't think, I can be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the dog goes, or I go. (An awkward silence ensues.) Oh my god!! [Time lapse, Ross is still doing Chandler's game. Tag is heading for the balcony.] Ross: How can I not get this? I'm a college professor; I got 1450 on my S.A.T.s. Monica: 1250. Ross: Damn, I forgot you were here. Phoebe: All right. We're gonna take Clunkers to Ross’s. We'll be back in a minute. (Gets up with Monica to do so.) Rachel: Oh, wait before you guys go, can I just ask you a question? Monica: Yeah. Rachel: When a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time to wait before you make a move? Phoebe: Oh, I'd say about a month. Monica: Really? I'd say 3 to 4. Joey: Half hour. (Rachel turns to look at him and he nods yes.) Rachel: Interesting. Monica: When it's your assistant, I would say never. Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo-point. Rachel: Huh. A moo-point? Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo. Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense? Monica: Please, don't listen to Joey, okay. Would you look at him? He-he’s obviously depressed. He's away from his family; he's spending Thanksgiving with strangers. What he needs right now is for you to be his friend. Rachel: You're right, I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay, that's what I'm gonna do. Joey: Fine! Take their advice. No one ever listens to me. When the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside. [Cut to the balcony, Tag is looking down while Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hey! Tag: Hey. Rachel: How are you holding up? Tag: Not bad. Rachel: Yeah? I'm sorry about your girlfriend. Tag: Thanks. Rachel: So were you guys together a long time? Tag: A year. On and off. I kinda thought we'd end up together. I don't anymore. Rachel: Now that she broke up with you? Tag: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. Hmmmm. Tag: It's weird. I always used to assume, that I would meet someone and fall in love and be happy and all that was just a given. But lately it's like what if it's not. Do you ever have that feeling? Rachel: No…Yeah, all the time, constantly. It's terrifying. But you know that I figure it…it has to work out. Tag: Why? Rachel: Because, uh—it has to. Tag: You have all the answers, don't you? Rachel: Yeah, I know, I do. I really do. Tag: Hey, thanks for talking to me. Rachel: Well, what is a boss for? Hug it out! (They hug) Joey: (through the window) All right, he likes you back! Huh? Told ya, you should go for it! Tag: What? Joey: (realizes what he said) Street noise drowned any of that out? (Rachel moves madly towards him) No, all right, I see you later, okay... (Turns away embarrassed) Commercial Break [Scene: The Balcony, continued from earlier.] Tag: What did Joey say? I like you back? Rachel: Uh, yeah, well, see, he… Joey knows, that I'm-I'm very insecure about my back and, and…you're hugging me, so obviously you are not repulsed by it, yeah! Tag: Wait-wait a minute; that doesn't make any sense. Rachel: No? (He shakes his head) All right, here's the truth um, Joey said what he said, because um, I'm attracted to you. Tag: Wow. (He starts to walk towards the railing.) Rachel: Yeah, I admit it. I have a crush on you, and uh, and, and I know that's crazy because we work together, and-and nothing could ever happen, and the last thing I want to do is-is to freak you out or make you feel uncomfortable. Which is why it would be really great if you said something right about now. Tag: (looking at the street) Oh my god! Those guys are stealing my car! (He points down to the street) Rachel: What? Tag: Right there! That's my car! (Sound of a breaking car-window) Hey!! Rachel: Okay, that's gonna take them a minute. Do you have anything else you wanna get off your chest? Tag: I can't believe this! (He walks back in again) Rachel: (she hurries after him) Wait, we still have time to talk and they’re-they're not even in the car yet! (She takes a quick look down the street.) Oh look, there they go, okay. (She hurries in too) [Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Phoebe sitting on the floor next to Clunkers basket.] Monica: Okay Phoebe, we should probably go back now. Phoebe: (doing Clunkers) Please don't leave me, I'll be lonely. Monica: Stop it. Stop! Okay let's go. We can be strong. Phoebe: Yeah, okay. [They both get up and head for the door. Clunkers whines a little] Monica: Oh my god! Did you hear that? She said Monica! (She goes back to Clunkers again) Oooh, I can't leave her! Phoebe: You know if you want, we can sneak the dog back in and Chandler wouldn't even know. Monica: That's not gonna work. Phoebe: I've had that dog there for three days and Chandler had no idea. He's not so smart. Monica: Hey! I didn't know either. Phoebe: Yeah, but you kinda knew that something was going on, didn't you? Monica: Yeah, I knew. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross lays a lot of small papers, shaped like the U.S. states onto the floor making a map with the states. Phoebe enters] Phoebe: Where's Chandler? Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Here I am. Phoebe: Wash your hands!!! Chandler: How did you…know? (Heads back into the bathroom) [Phoebe waves Monica in. Monica sneaks in with the bag with Clunkers in it and heads for Phoebe's room.] Ross: Hey! What's she doing back here? Monica: Relax, Ross. She's not made of ice cream! Ross: Hey look, Phoebe. I, uh, I laid out the states geographically... Phoebe: (interrupts him) No, no, we don't really have time for this right now. Okay, we have to keep Chandler away from my bedroom. Ross: Yeah, but, but look what I'm... Phoebe: See, this is exactly what we do not have time for. (She rushes into her room) Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Where's Monica? Ross: Um, in Phoebe's room. You can't go in there. Chandler: Why not? (We can hear the dog whining at a high pitch.) Ross: Monica's crying. She's very upset about this whole Clunkers thing. Chandler: Well, I, I should go in there. Ross: No. No, no. She doesn't want to see you right now. Chandler: Why not? Ross: Because you sent away the dog! Chandler: This is ridiculous. (He heads for Phoebe's bedroom) Ross: Oh, is it? Is it? Look, when Monica and I were kids, we had a dog named Rover. And, uh, one day, my dad decides, he doesn't like dogs. So Monica and her friend…Phyllis…take away the dog. And that was the last time we ever saw him. Don't you see? This is just like that. Only with a few details changed. Joey: (entering) Okay, I'm in my sweat pants. Bring on the food! (Sees that Chandler has a worried look on his face) What's the matter? Chandler: Monica's all upset, because I sent Clunkers away. Joey: So? Bring the dog back, you're a hero. Chandler: Yeah, I can be a hero, I could do that. I could, I could do... I, w-w-what if, what if it attcks me? Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil. Chandler: And that doesn't scare you? (He walks out) Joey: Ross, you need some help? Ross: From you? (He does a weird desperate laughter, like he's almost crying) Yes, please! Joey: (sits down next to Ross) First of all, Utah? Dude, you can't just make stuff up! [Time lapse, Ross still laying a lot out the states.] Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving. [Joey stands up again. Rachel enters the door] Joey: Hey! Tag's still talking to the police. Rachel: Yeah, ohh! Why, damnit, why did I open my mouth? (In a girlish voice) I have a crush on you; I am attracted to you. (Back to normal again) Gee, I-I know that I freaked him out Joey: If you said it like that, you probably did, yeah. [Rachel walks past Joey towards the couch] Phoebe: (opens her bedroom door and peeks out) Hey, is Chandler here? Chandler: No, no he went for a walk. Phoebe: Okay, but you cannot tell him... but look who's back! [The dog barks, runs out of Phoebe's room and jumps onto the couch] Rachel: (gasps) Hi! Joey: Oh No-no-no-no-no-no-no! He went over to Ross' to bring the dog back here! Phoebe: Oh no, the dog's not going to be there! Joey: You think? [The door opens and Chandler comes in. Rachel covers the door with a blanket] Monica: Hi, honey. Chandler: Please, please, please, don't be mad at me. Monica: What? Why, why would... Phoebe: (interrupts her, to Monica) Shh, wait and see. Maybe we will, maybe we won't. Chandler: Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers. Y’know, for you, and…(Clears his throat) I left the door open and she must have gotten out and I looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so, so, so, sorry. But I do know where we could all go ease the pain. (Points up and then over to the street) Phoebe: We have good news, look who's back! Rachel: (uncovers the dog) Hi! Chandler: Clunkers?! Oh my god! Monica: That's right, she came back all by herself. Phoebe: It's a Thanksgiving miracle! Chandler: (to Clunkers) It is so good to see you! Phoebe: Yeah, she came all the way back from Ross' building. Oh, the things she must have seen! And then she climbed up the fre escape and she tapped on the window with her teeny little paw and then we ran to let her in…(Realizes, that Chandler starts to not believe her) I went too far, didn't I? When should I have stopped? [Time lapse, after dinner. Ross stands up from his self-made map.] Ross: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have 49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I should be able to eat something. Chandler: It's up to you. [Ross whines and starts working again. The door opens and Tag enters.] Rachel: Oh, hi! How are you doing? Tag: I'm okay. I gotta go down to the police station and look at mug shts. Rachel: Oh. Tag: Thanks for having me over, you guys. Ross: Tag? Y-You're going? (Comes over to Tag) Uh we didn't, uh we didn't get the chance to talk. Uh, so, where did you say you're from again? Tag: Colorado. Ross: Ah, what good are you. (Walks back to his map dejectedly.) [Rachel and Tag go into the hall.] Rachel: Look, um, I think we should talk about what happened on the terrace. Tag: Okay. Rachel: Ah, I-I never should have said what I said. It—y’know what? It just doesn't matter how I feel. I mean we work together, so nothing could really ever happen between us, and what I would love is just to go to work on Monday, and-and never talk about this again, okay? Big day Monday lots to do. So, we're okay? Tag: Um, I'm not. Rachel: Oh, god, I knew it, that I freaked you out. Tag: No, you didn't. The only thing that freaked me out was you saying that nothing could ever happen between us. Rachel: Really? Tag: Yeah, so, please don't f*re me for doing this. (He kisses her) Rachel: Okay, well, that's one less thing we have to do on Monday. Ending Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, later that night, there is someone knocking on the door and Chandler stumbles out into the living room, turns on the light, looks through the peephole, and opens the door.] Ross: Delaware! (Starting to cry.) Delaware! Chandler: All right. Ross: (hands Chandler his pad and walks in) I want my turkey now! Chandler: You got it. (Starts looking at the pad, while Ross gets the turkey out of the fridge and starts to unwrap it) You got Nevada twice. Ross: (pauses) I know. Chandler: Yeah. (Throws the pad on the table and heads for the bedroom) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x08 - The One Where Chandler Doesn\u2019t Like Dogs"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Wil Calhoun Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Ben how to ride a bike. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there also.] Ben: (on the bike) I’m ready! Ross: You sure? Ben: Uh-huh! Chandler: Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there. (Does so.) Ben: (To Chandler) Thanks daddy. Ross: No-no, one daddy, two mommies. All right, it’s all yours. (Ross pushes him off.) Chandler: Okay. Okay. Ross: Yes! Yes! Yes!! (Everyone stands and claps.) Phoebe: His first big kid’s bike, this is so exciting! Monica: Oh yeah, I remember mine! Ohh, it was my sixth birthday, my dad took me to the park, I got it, and…it bent. Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: I never had a bike of my own. Ross: (shocked) What?! Phoebe: Well, we didn’t have a lot of money. But the girl across the street had the best bike! It was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on. Chandler: That sounds like my first bike. (They all turn and look at him.) My dad gave me his old one. Ross: Ohh. Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it? Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. (They’re all speechless) So I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard. Ross: That is so unfair! Phoebe: Not really, I got to drag him around too! (They all nod, "Oh.") Opening Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is cooking, Joey is eating, and Chandler is entering from the bedroom.] Chandler: Hey! What are you guys doing? Joey: Hey. Monica: Making holiday candy for the neighbors. Chandler: I’m sorry, who? Monica: I’m gonna hang this basket (Points to the one sitting on the table) on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece. Chandler: But we don’t know the neighbors. Joey: I do. There’s uh, let’s see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids I’ve Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty. Monica: See? This is exactly why I’m making this candy. We can learn their names and get to know our neighbors. Chandler: Wouldn’t it be easier if we just moved? Rachel: (entering, happily) Gooood morning!! Chandler: Eh, somebody’s in a good mood! Rachel: Well, why shouldn’t I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful job! Monica: Where you can make out with your assistant. Rachel: Come on, it’s not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem. Monica: Oh yeah, what’s the plan? Rachel: (pauses as she thinks and exhales loudly) We… We are not… …going to let it… be a problem. Monica: Wow! It took you all night to come up with that plan?! Rachel: Well y’know, we did other stuff too. (Joey and Chandler start to giggle.) Monica: Did you two… Rachel: Oh Monica come on, y’know I don’t sleep with guys on the first date! Monica: Matt Guire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wire… Rachel: Anymore!! Monica: Okay. [Scene: Rachel’s Office, she’s at her desk while the mailman delivers her mail and calls Tag in.] Rachel: Hi. Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct? Tag: Yes, at 4:00. Rachel: Okay, thank you. That’ll be all. (The mail guy leaves and Tag starts to follow, but Rachel stops him.) (Excitedly) Wait! Wait! (Rushes over and closes the office-door.) Did you see that? That mail guy had no idea there was something going on between us. (They kiss.) Tag: I’d better get back to my desk. Rachel: Okay, you hard worker! I’ll remember to put that in your evaluation. Tag: My what? Rachel: Well, you’ve been here for two months now and your boss is required to hand in a performance evaluation. But y’know, there is one thing that I have yet to evaluate. (She turns around and sweeps the stuff off of her desk and hops up onto it.) Tag: Are you serious? Rachel: No, I’ve just always wanted to do that. Can you help me clean this up? [Scene: The Hallway, Monica and Chandler are returning and Monica finds her basket is empty.] Monica: The basket is totally empty! My God, the neighbors ate all the candy! Chandler: Well, either that or uh…(Motions towards Joey’s door.) Monica: Joey!! (She storms into his apartment to find him with a towel around his shoulders, a bowl on his head, and Phoebe with scissors in her hand.) Joey: Yeah? Monica: Did you eat all the neighbor candy?! Joey: Uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time I got to it there was only a couple of pieces left! Phoebe: Yeah, and they’ve been coming by all day. They love it! Monica: They love my candy? Oh man!!! I’ve gotta go make more!! (Starts to do so.) Joey: Hey Mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because something might’ve happened to a huge chunk of it. (Ross enters.) Monica: Ross! The neighbors ate all my candy!! Ross: Mine stole my newspaper! It’s like a crime wave!! (Monica runs to make more candy.) Pheebs, you uh, you got a second. Phoebe: Sure! Ross: Yeah, ever since you uh, told me that story about that bike I-I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I mean, everyone should have a-a first bike, so… (He goes out into the hall and re-enters with a bike exactly like the one Phoebe described earlier.) Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God Ross!! Ross: You like it? Phoebe: I love it!! Ross: Yeah? Phoebe: Ohh!! Ohh!! And I love you! Ross: Ahh. Phoebe: Not that way! But the bike brought you a lot closer! Ross: Ah! (She hugs him.) Well uh-uh, t-take it downstairs, y’know give it a test ride. Phoebe: Okay! Oh my God! My first bike! Thank you for the best present I’ve ever gotten. Ross: (stunned at the compliment) You’re welcome. Phoebe: (starts to leave, but stops) Oh and Chandler’s about to cry. Chandler: (about to cry) Am not! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the middle of the night, there is someone knocking on the door and Monica and Chandler get up to answer it.] Monica: (turning a light on) Who is that?! Chandler: Don’t worry, I’m brave! I am brave! I…I am brave! (They get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.) (Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there please? The Knocker: My name is Gary, I live upstairs. (Monica opens the door.) Gary: Hi! Monica: Hi. Do you know what time it is? Gary: It’s candy time! My roommate says that they taste like little drops of heaven. Monica: Oh please! (To Chandler) Did you hear that? Little drops of heaven. Chandler: (laughs) 4:00 A.M. Gary: So, can I get some candy? Chandler: I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work! (Monica looks at him) (To Monica) He does not know that I am not some of us. Monica: Umm, listen I am sorry, but I’ll put some out first thing in the morning. Gary: Well okay, I’ll swing by later. Do you live in this building? Monica: Um-hmm. Gary: (looking at Monica.) Mm! Seems like I would’ve remembered you! Chandler: Mm! Night Gar’! (Monica closes the door.) [Scene: Rachel’s Office, she’s slinking out to where Tag works and checks to make sure no one is coming.] Rachel: (hugging him) So did you read your evaluation yet? Tag: No! It was marked confidential, I just sent it down to Human Resources. Rachel: (worried) Okay please, you’re kidding right?! I wrote that one as a joke for you! Tag: A joke they would appreciate? Rachel: I’m thinkin’ no. Tag: What did you say?! Rachel: Umm, I said I thought you were a good kisser, and uh, and that I like your tiney-tiny tushie. Tag: No, not my tushie. Rachel: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote, "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision," and under Problems with Performance I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not," and then uh, then I drew a little smiley face, and then a small prn sketch. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the daisies on her bike outside.] Monica: Ross! That is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike! When I heard the story, I almost cried. Joey: Almost cried huh? Hear that Chandler? Almost cried! Chandler: Hey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic! Joey: (about to cry) Those two only had each other! Ross: Phoebe really likes the bike huh? Monica: Oh yeah! I saw her walkin’ it down the street the other day. She had uh, these flowers in the basket. It was so cute. Joey: Yeah, I saw her this morning walkin’ it by the park. Ross: Wait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times? [Cut to outside, they’re going to talk to Phoebe about walking the bike.] Joey: Hey Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh hi! Chandler: Hey! So are you enjoying the bike? Phoebe: Ohh, uh-huh so much! Ross: Pheebs you uh…you do know how to ride a bike don’t you? Phoebe: Of course! Monica: Umm, can we see you ride it? Phoebe: Okay. (The gng is giggles then as Phoebe gets the bike out of the rack, gets on, pushes off, rolls a few feet, and falls over.) See? Commercial Break [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy while Chandler and Rachel are taste-testing and Joey is on the couch doodling.] Monica: See, this is why I told you never get involved with your assistant! And there is no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to affairs. (To Chandler) Did you hear that Chandler? No such thing! Chandler: (with his mouth full) What happened? I’m just eating candy. Rachel: Maybe it’s not as bad as I think. Y’know, maybe they didn’t take it the way I meant it. Chandler: Absolutely! Y’know, because tushie can mean both ass and good worker. Rachel: Ugh, I just gotta get the thing back! Joey: Hey Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Joey: That sketch you mentioned? Might it have looked a little something like this? (He shows her what he’s been drawing.) Rachel: Oh my God! Joey! Chandler: What is the matter with you? Rachel: Ugh! Joey: Boy I tell ya, this little talent came in handy before I could afford prn. (There is a knock on the door and Monica answers it. There is a woman standing there.) The Woman: Hi! I’m sorry, I know it’s after hours but I really need candy. Monica: I’m sorry, I can’t help you. See? (Points to her new sign.) Rules are rules. The Woman: Please! I have people coming from out of town today! And, I told them all about your candy! Monica: No kidding, out of towners huh? What did you tell ‘em? The Woman: I told ‘em your candy is absolutely indescribable! Monica: Some people have been saying its y’know little drops of heaven, but whatever. The Woman: Please, can’t you help me out? Joey: (watching the discussion) Hey Chandler, do we know that lady? Chandler: Maybe, isn’t she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud? Monica: (still talking to the woman) All right, I’ll do it just this once! But you can’t tell anybody! The Woman: (exasperatedly) Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me! Joey and Chandler: Yeah, that’s her. The Woman: (after Monica gives her the candy) Thank you. Monica: (closing the door) It’s unbelievable! I-I can’t believe that sign didn’t work! Chandler: Y’know what would work? Monica: Hmm? Chandler: Stop making candy! Monica: But they like it! Chandler: You mean they like you. Monica: Maybe. Chandler: Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you? Monica: Oh, you really want to talk about getting people to like you huh, funny man? (Joey laughs but stops when Chandler turns to glare at him.) [Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Phoebe how to ride her bike.] Ross: Okay, now just remember everything I taught you and you’ll be fine. Okay? Here we go. Ready…Set… Phoebe: (hopping off the bike) Wait! This seat is really uncomfortable! Yeah, maybe before we start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like an airplane seat—or a beanbag chair! Ross: Phoebe, you can’t get out of this! Okay? You have to learn how to ride a bike! Phoebe: Why? Why do I have to learn? Ross: Well…In-in case of emergency. Phoebe: What kind of an emergency? Ross: Well let there—what if a man comes along and puts a gn to your head and says, "You ride this bike or I’ll sh…I’ll sh*t you." Phoebe: Okay, I would ring the bell to distract him and then I would knock the gn out of his hand with a Chinese throwing star. Ross: Okay, Phoebe just-just get-get on the bike and—Hey! I’ll hold you up and-and push you. Okay? Phoebe: You won’t let go? Ross: No! Phoebe: Swear?! Ross: I swear! Phoebe: (thinks it over) Okay. Ross: Come on. (She gets on the bike.) All right, here we go. All right? (They start.) Phoebe: All right. Ross: All right. Feel good? Phoebe: Well… Ross: All right, try pedaling. Phoebe: Okay. (Does so.) Ross: That’s it, your doing great. Phoebe: Okay. Ross: Doing great! Yes-yes-yes! Take control! Yes! Phoebe: Weee!!! (Ross pushes her and lets go.) Ross: Yes!! Yes!!! (He starts clapping and Phoebe turns around to look at him and falls off the bike.) Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh no!! You swore! Ross: I-I just thought you were doing so well. I… Phoebe: I am shocked! Shocked!! (She storms off leaving Ross to defend himself from the angry looks from onlookers.) Ross: It’s a legitimate learning technique. (Looking around and seeing the woman behind him glaring at him.) Wow! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy like mad as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey, there’s uh, some people outside, askin’ about candy. Monica: Well, they’re just gonna have to wait aren’t they? I’ve only got two hands!! Ross: Need some help? Monica: No! You don’t know the system! There’ll be nobody messing with the system! Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebe’s room.) [Cut to Phoebe’s room, Phoebe has put her helmet on one of her teddy bears and is playing around with it. Ross knocks and pokes his head in the door.] Phoebe: (seeing him) Oh, hello liar. Ross: (entering) Look, I-I’m really sorry I let go of the bike. Phoebe: I could’ve been klled I hope you know! Ross: I know. I know. But, can we please try it again? Huh? I mean, you were so close Phoebe! Phoebe: Well, I would love to but…the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects. (Ross just happens to have his hand on a sheet that is covering something that suspiciously looks like a bike.) Ross: Phoebe. Phoebe: What?! (Ross rings the bell.) What the hell?! Ross: All right, y’know what? If you are not going to learn how to ride this bike then I’m sorry, I’m just gonna have to take it back. Phoebe: What?! Why?! Ross: Because! Because, it-it-it’s… It’d be like you having this guitar (Points to hers) and-and never playing it. Okay, this guitar wants to be played! And-and this bike wants to be ridden and-and if you don’t ride it you-you’re-you’re klling its spirit! (Pause) The bike is dying. Phoebe: All right. If you care enough to make up that load of crap, okay. Ross: Great! Great! (He runs to the door.) You’re making the bike very happy. Phoebe: (sarcastically) Okay Ross! (Ross exits and she says quietly to the bike) Please don’t die! [Scene: Rachel’s office, Tag and her are planning how to get the review back.] Rachel: Okay, I think we can get the evaluation back before they see it, but we’re gonna have to get into Mr. Zelner’s office. Now, he doesn’t get in until 10, so he’s no problem, but his assistant, Betty, she comes in early to eat her breakfast at her desk. Tag: That’s kinda sad. Rachel: Yeah, well Betty is kinda sad. Which is why I believe I can lure her away with these chocolates. (Holding up the box of chocolates.) Now, while I distract her, you get in the office. Tag: Got it! Rachel: Let’s roll! (They start towards the door but are stopped when Mr. Zelner enters.) Mr. Zelner: Hello Rachel, you uh, got a minute? Rachel: (worried and shocked) Yeah, sure Mr. Zelner, for you anything—minute. Okay. Fine. (To Tag) Abort the plan, abort the plan. (She start to usher Tag out.) Mr. Zelner: Uh actually, I’d like to speak with both of you. Rachel: Okay. Uh, well can we, can we get you anything Mr. Zelner? Maybe some chocolates? (Holds up the box.) Mr. Zelner: Umm, no. Thanks, but I’ll give these to Betty. (Rachel glances at Tag to say, "See?") So I read your evaluation of Tag, or to use his full name, Tag Sweetcheeks Jones. Is something going on with you two? Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God. Can you imagine if there was?! I mean, (getting serious) what would happen exactly. Mr. Zelner: Well, I’d be forced to file a report. I’d have to consult with the legal department, and your future at the company would be in jeopardy. Rachel: Well… Tag: (interrupting) Uh Mr. Zelner, I’m the one who filled in that evaluation. Rachel: Oh no-no-no… Tag: (interrupting again) Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I thought it would be funny. Mr. Zelner: You wrote that you have a cute tushie? Tag: (pause) Yes. I have a weird sense of humor, and I’m kinda strangely proud of my butt. Mr. Zelner: It’s kind of a risky joke Tag, and what is-what is this drawing I can’t figure out what this is? Rachel: You’re lookin’ at it upside down—y’know what? (Grabs the evaluation and throws it out.) It doesn’t matter. Mr. Zelner: Yeah, it’s not like I don’t have a sense of humor, huh? Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick now and then. But there’s a time and a place, huh?! Unless you uh, have a limerick right now? (They both nod no.) No? Okay, well uh, you’ve (Grabs the chocolates.) got my fax number. (Exits.) Rachel: Whoa! I can’t believe you did that. That was really sweet. Tag: No, don’t worry about it. Rachel: No, you could’ve lost your job. Tag: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, I’d find work. Rachel: Thank you! You’re great! (They kiss.) Tag: Y’know what? Rachel: What? Tag: I feel great. (Rachel laughs) In fact! (Walks over to her desk, sweeps its contents onto the floor and Rachel just glares at him.) What? Rachel: I… It just—it took me so long to get that desk organized. Tag: Oh, I’m sorry. (He bends over to pick the stuff up.) Rachel: (looking at his butt) There it is. (They hug.) [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is returning from work to see the hallway jammed full of people waiting outside their door.] Chandler: (asking a man leaning against the wall) What is going on? The Man: We’re waiting for the candy. (Yelling at the door.) Bring out the candy! Joey: Yeah lady! Give us candy!! Chandler: Joey! Joey: What’s up buddy? Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: Waiting for candy. Chandler: Get in here! (They head for the door and Chandler sees Smokes-A-Lot Lady standing next to the door and smoking, to her) Hey, and you can not smoke in here! (Takes the cigarette and takes a drag for himself.) (Exhaling in ecstasy) Merry Christmas. Monica: (opening the door and frantically) Okay, guys! The candy is coming; I just need another 15 minutes for the chocolate to cool! All: We want candy! We want candy now! (And other general commotion sounds.) Chandler: All right everybody! Just be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! (They settle down) What is the matter with you people?! This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and I’ll bet that not one of you can tell me her name! Am I right? The Man: (from earlier) Candy Lady? Chandler: No not (imitating) Candy Lady. Joey: (stepping in and knocking the man over) Hey, if we know it can we have candy?!! Chandler: All right, y’know what? Forget it, all of you forget it! You’ve ruined it! Go home! You’ve ruined it! You’ve ruined it! Joey: That’s right, it’s all ruined! You guys ruined everything! You ruined it! (Steps into the apartment and Chandler closes the door.) (Joey struts over to the candy and starts eating it.) Monica: (To Chandler) Thank you. Chandler: You’re welcome. (They kiss.) Monica: Did you smoke? Chandler: No! Smokes-A-Lot Lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. Eh-uh—are you okay? Monica: I’m fine now, but it was really scary there for a while. I mean, someone slipped a-a thr*at note under the door. Joey: (with his mouth full) Oh yeah, sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever, I don’t know… (Grabs the note.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Park, Phoebe is now riding her bike with ease and stops in front of Ross. They both giggle.] Phoebe: I can’t believe it! I did it! I rode a bike! I never thought I’d be able to do that! Thank you Ross. Ross: Oh hey, don’t thank me, thank yourself. You’re the one who faced her fears and ultimately overcame them. Phoebe: Don’t be so corny Ross, it’s not an after-school special. (She rides off and the camera pans down to reveal two shiny, silver training wheels firmly attached.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x09 - The One With All The Candy"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Greg Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is on the phone, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the kitchen.] Chandler: Buh-bye. (Hangs up the phone) I just got us reservations at Michelle’s and tickets to the Musicman to celebrate our first holiday season as a betroughed couple. Monica: Betrothed… (Corrects him) Chandler: …betrothed couple. Phoebe: (entering carrying a skull) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Rachel and Monica: Hi! Phoebe: Haaaa... (Puts the skull on the table) ... ahhhh! Chandler: Pheebs? Phoebe: Huh? Chandler: Skull? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it's my mom's. Rachel: (freaking out) Oh my god!! Phoebe: No, no, no. It's not! It's not my mom. It belonged to mom. Yeah, no, she used to put it out every Christmas to remind us, that even though it's Christmas, people still die. And, you can put candy in it. (She grabs the skull, pulls out a stick of licorice, and takes a bite.) Ross: (entering) Hey! All: Hey! Monica: (Offering Ross the skull) Licorice? Ross: (Thinking it over) Sure! (Takes one) Hey, I just found out, I get Ben for the holidays this year. All: Ohh! That's great! Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa? Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah. Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die. Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe. Ross: Hmm. (Joey comes out of the bathroom reading a newspaper) Joey: Hey. (He exits) Rachel: (to Monica) Did you know he was in there? Monica: No. Chandler: How long have we been home? Monica: About a half an hour. Chandler: Lovely! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler gets a cup of coffee and sits down next to Monica.] Chandler: Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna change your last name to Bing? Monica: No. Chandler: Why not? Monica: Bing's weird. Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey, you guys! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Guess what! My landlord just called and my apartment is gonna get ready soon, so I guess I'll be moving out. Monica: Ahh, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you! Phoebe: Yes, you will be very sad. All right, well I gotta go tell Rachel the good news. Chandler: Ohh! You guys gonna be living together again? Phoebe: Yeah, why not? Chandler: Well, she's just so much fun with Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be living with him. Phoebe: Why do you think she's having so much fun living with Joey? Chandler: No reason, except…she…told…me. Phoebe: Really? So she said, she didn’t wanna live with me anymore? Chandler: No! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think you should talk to Monica now. Monica: Phoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure she wants to live with you. Phoebe: You're sure? You're absolutely sure? Monica: Well, no. But, um, I bet she probably does. Phoebe: Probably? Yeah, I don't like that word. (Chandler and Monica look surprised) Kind of what ‘probably’ really means. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, oh, "Your mom probably won't kll herself," y’know? I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on-on "Probably!" Y’know? You gotta take care of yourselves! (She starts to walk out) In this world history teaches us nothing! (Exits) Chandler: Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it? [Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is sitting behind a red drum set.] Rachel: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey! Great, you’re home! Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas! (Starts drumming.) Rachel: Drums? Joey: (yelling) No! Drums! [Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica enter.] Chandler: (to the Maitre d') Hi, could we get two burritos to go, please? (Laughs.) Monica: I'm sorry. But not that sorry, 'cause you don't have to live with it. Um, we have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing. Maitre d': Oh-kay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes. Chandler: Forty-five minutes? We have tickets to the Musicman at 8:00. Maitre d': I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir. Chandler: Is this because of the burrito thing? Monica: (pulling Chandler away from the Maitre d') You need to give him money. Chandler: Give him money? It was a joke! Monica: No, to get a table! Places like this are always shakin’ you down. Everybody wants to be paid off. Chandler: Right, calm down, O'Mally. I'll slip him some money. Monica: You've got to be smooth about it. Chandler: Hey, I can be smooth. (Walks back to the Maitre d', very smoothly) Listen, we're a little bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little quicker, I'd appreciate it. (Shakes his hand) Maitre d': Of course, sir. Chandler: Okay. (Walks back to Monica) Monica: How did it go? Chandler: Had the money in the wrong hand. (Shows her his left hand with the money in it) [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is whirling Ben around.] Ross: Wooooooo, hehehe. Hey, ahh, you don't feel like you're gonna throw up, do ya? Ben: No. Ross: Well, I do, so let's... (Ben and Ross sit down on the couch) So, Ben, you uh, you know what holiday is coming up, don't ya? Ben: Christmas. Ross: Yep, and you know what other holiday is coming up? Ben: Christmas eve. Ross: Yes, but also (Pauses to let Ben answer, but he doesn’t.) Hanukkah! See, you're part Jewish, and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday. Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly! Ross: Right, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees. Ben: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells... Ross: (interrupts him) Okay, that's right, yes, but on Hanukkah, uh, we sing, uh (Sings) Draydl, draydl, draydl, I made you out of clay. Ben: (singing) Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer... Ross: (interrupts him again) Okay, it's not a contest. Ben: When is Santa coming? Ross: Well, how about this year, instead of Santa, we have fun celebrating Hanukkah? Ben: No Santa? Was I bad? Ross: No! Oh, no-no-no. Hey, you weren't bad, you've been very good, Ben. Ben: Santa's mad at me. Ross: No, hey-hey, come on, (He grabs Ben and sits him on his lap) Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay? Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy! Ben: So Santa's coming? Ross: (disappointed) Yes! Santa's coming! [Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica are discussing how to bribe the Maitre d'.] Monica: It's easy! Just keep it casual! Give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money! Chandler: How do you know so much about this? Monica: I don't know. Chandler: Richard used to do it, didn't he? Monica: We'd be eating our soup right now. Chandler: Mustached bastard… Monica: (sees two people exit) Okay, those people just left, come on! Quick! Give him the money and get their table! Chandler: (walks up to the Maitre d') Excuse me... [Chandler can't find his money in the pocket. In the meantime, another couple shows up, and Chandler turns away to look for his money] Male Guest: (to the Maitre d') Good evening. (Shakes his hand) Chandler: (finds his money) Ahh-hahaha! (Turns around to give the Maitre d' his money, but he isn't there anymore) [Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe comes up the stairs and hears drumming coming from Joey and Rachel's, so she enters smiling and then sees that Rachel, not Joey, is the one playing.] Rachel: (stopping at Phoebe’s entrance) Ha! Phoebe: So you like the drums! That's, that's great! Y’know, I was worried, that, you know, they would maybe an unbearable living situation. All right, okay, well, apparently not! So, yay! Joey: Hey-hey, Pheebs, check it out, we already learned a song. (To Rachel) Ready? One, two, three, four... [Rachel hits some tom-toms and ends up on the 'crash'-cymbal, which is in fact a ride-cymbal, but whatever...] Rachel and Joey: Tequila!! Phoebe: That's fun. (She exits disappointedly.) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, gn is serving Chandler and Monica coffee.] gn: Here you go. Chandler: Thank you gn, put it there. (He gets up, and shakes gn's hand. A bunch of coins fall out his hand. He sits down next to Monica.) Definitely not easier with coins. (Joey gets up and picks up the coins. Chandler thinks, Joey is just helping him to pick them up.) Thank you. Joey: Thank you. (He gets up and puts on his jacket.) (Phoebe enters) Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Here. (Gives her the coins) Now I only owe you $49.50. Chandler: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! (she sits down next to him) Chandler: If you wanna give Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a phial of small pox to release in the hallway? Monica: It's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes, Joey throws his sticks in the air, and I have to hear, "Oh my eye! Oh god, my eye!" I mean, it is so annoying. Phoebe: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums. Monica: Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel, so she wouldn't wanna live there anymore? Phoebe: Maybe on some level. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting behind the drums wearing safety goggles, hitting them with his sticks as Rachel watches.] Rachel: Joey, y’know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the air. Joey: What is Rock 'n' Roll about that? Phoebe: (entering with an aquarium covered by a towel) Hey, Joey, I got you another present. (She puts it on the counter) Joey: Oh wait, before you tell me what it is! (He plays a drum-roll) Okay, what is it? Phoebe: It's a…tarantula! (Joey almost falls down from his drum-stool jumping up) Oh! God! Rachel, look, I'm sorry. What was I thinking giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage? Rachel: What are you talking about? I love them! (Looks into the cage) Yeah, I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool? Joey: Is it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me! I got, hey! (He storms into his room) Rachel: Oh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula. Phoebe: (sarcastic) Ah, yeah, he's so adorable, God, he's just so much fun, Joey is the best, I'm glad you're having so much fun here. (She turns around, about to leave) Rachel: What? Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter? Phoebe: Our apartment is ready. Rachel: And that makes you angry because… Phoebe: Because you would rather live here with Joey. Rachel: Where did you get that? Phoebe: Monica and Chandler said that you were having so much fun here. And apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that. Rachel: Phoebe? Phoebe: Hm? Rachel: Did you get all this stuff for Joey to try and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out! Phoebe: (nods along) Fish! Rachel: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together, we're roommates; that's the deal. Phoebe: Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me, but okay, if you're having so much fun over here… Rachel: Oh, it's so much more fun with you. Phoebe: We did have fun, didn't we? Rachel: We did! Phoebe: Oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we can see it tonight. Rachel: Oh, I would love to! Phoebe: Yay, okay! Rachel: Good, good, good, good, good. (She runs to the drums and gets the sticks) Phoebe: Great, all right, okay, and Monica ask me to make the drumming stop. Rachel: (with the sticks in her hands) Um... (She goes to the tarantula-cage and puts the sticks into it) Done! [Scene: Halloween Adventure, a costume shop, there is a salesman behind the counter, Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Salesman: Hello, Sir. You're here to return those pants? Ross: No, these are my pants. Salesman: Oh. Okay! How can I help you? Ross: Well, uh, do you have a Santa-outfit left? Salesman: Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man. Ross: Okay look, do-do, you have anything Christmassy? I promised my son, and I really don't want to disappoint him, um, come on, I…uh, you gotta have something. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just opened the door for Ross who is costumed as an Armadillo. Ben is standing next to her.] Ross: I'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you (Points to Ben) a Merry Christmas! Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo? Ross: (to Monica) Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas. Monica: Wow, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from…Texas. Ben: Texas? Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. (He tries to bend down to pick up the bag with the presents, but can't because of the costume) Maybe the Lady will help me with these presents. [Monica picks up the bag, while Ross closes the door and hits Monica with his tail. They walk into the living room, and Monica empties the bag.] Ben: Wow! Thanks! Ross: You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas, ooh, and Happy Hanukkah! Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part-Jewish. Ross: (gasps) You are? Me, too! Monica: Because Armadillos also wandered in the desert? Ross: (to Monica) You wanna wander in the hall? (to Ben) Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights? Ben: Cool! Ross: Yeah! Monica: Come on Ben. [Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.] Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees... Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him) Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.) Ross: What are you doing here, Santa? Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird…turtle-man? Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember? Chandler: What? Ben: Did you bring me any presents, Santa? Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho! Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo, and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence, I never thought I'd say. [They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices] Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing? Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work! Ross: Thank you, but, but you gotta leave. Chandler: Why? Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you’re wrecking it. Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly. Ross: I'm sorry, Chandler but this, this is really important to me. Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back. [Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.] Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.) Chandler: Santa? Really? Monica: Yes, is that okay? Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa? Monica: No. Chandler: Then it's okay! (They kiss.) Ross: Okay Ben, Santa has to go. Say good-bye! Ben: No! Why does he have to go? Chandler: Because, if Santa and the Holiday…Armadillo? (Ross nods) ...are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas! Ben: No! Why can't the Armadillo leave? I want Santa! Ross: Fine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay. Chandler: Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah? Ben: Okay, Santa! (Ross mouths to Chandler, "Thank you," and he mouths, "You’re welcome," back.) Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees. [Joey enters in a Superman-costume] Joey: (entering wearing a Superman costume) Merry Christmas! [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, they are entering to check out the newly refurbished apartment.] Rachel: Oh wow! Look at this place! Phoebe: Oh, this is terrible. Oh, they’ve made so many changes I can’t even feel my grandmother’s presence anymore—Ooh! New sconces! Rachel: (yelling from another room) Oh my God! Phoebe: What? Rachel: (returning) Okay, remember uh, remember how you told me that your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms? Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: And remember how you always said you were afraid the landlord would find out and then tear it down? Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: Do you really not know where I’m going with this? (Phoebe nods, "No.") It left! It’s one huge room! Phoebe: Oh no! (She runs to see.) (Running back, excitedly) Oh! Wow!!! Rachel: See? Phoebe: Well, I guess we’ll just have to put the wall back up. Rachel: You can’t, because of the new skylight! Phoebe: There’s a skylight?! (Runs to see and yells from the bedroom.) Wow!! Rachel: So what should we do? Should we start looking for a new place? Phoebe: (returning slowly) Y’know I’m-I’m sensing that um, my grandmother would not be comfortable with that. Rachel: Oh yeah? Startin’ to feel her again there are we? Phoebe: A little bit, yeah. Rachel: Pheebs is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone? Phoebe: You heard her too?! You have the gift! Rachel: Phoebe, it’s okay. I like living with Joey. Phoebe: Are you sure? Rachel: Oh please, I hate packing, it’s closer to work, and we do have fun. Although, I’m really gonna miss living with you. Phoebe: Oh me too. Rachel: I know. (They hug.) Oh-oh, wait did you hear that-hear that? Listen, I’m gettin’ something from your grandmother, she said that since you get to keep the one bedroom apartment you should give Rachel the purple chair? Phoebe: No, I do not hear that. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Santa (Chandler), Superman (Joey), Ben, and Monica are listening to the Holiday Armadillo (Ross) finish telling the story of Hanukkah.] Ross: …and the miracle was that that little bit of oil that should’ve just lasted just one day, brned for… Ben: (answering him) Eight whole days. Ross: That’s right, and that’s why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end. Ben: Awesome! Ross: Yeah? Chandler: My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. (Glaring at Joey who’s nodding.) Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part! Okay Ben, it’s time to light the Hanukkah candles! (Santa, Superman, Monica, Ben, and the Holiday Armadillo go over to the menorah to light the candles.) Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) Hey! Phoebe: Oh. Rachel: (seeing the collection of characters.) Wow! It looks like the Easter Bunny’s funeral in here. Ross: Come on, come on, we’re-we’re-we’re lighting the candles! Rachel: Oh. Phoebe: Oh. (They both go over to light the candles.) Phoebe: Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny’s funeral? Ending Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is closing the door on the tarantula cage.] Rachel: I got it! Joey: (yelling from the bedroom) Is it back in the cage? Rachel: Its back in cage! Joey: Cage closed? Rachel: Joey, would you just come out here and stop being such a baby! (Joey throws open his door and stands there still in the Superman costume then slowly makes his way to the bathroom while keeping both eyes on the cage.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x10 - The One With the Holiday Armadillo"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help from: Aaron Howard-Miller [Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table eating cheesecake. The box it came in is also on the table.] Chandler: Ohh. Mmm. Rachel: (Comes in the front door and walks towards the kitchen.) Hi. Chandler: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake. Rachel: Oh, y’know I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I—(Chandler puts a forkful of the cheesecake in her mouth.)—Wow. My God, so creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I have ever had. Where did you get this? (She reaches over to look at the label on the box.) Chandler: (nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us. Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. (Gasping) Thief. Chandler: I—no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've opened the box. Rachel: Why, why not? Chandler: Because it's too delicious. Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong. Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Momma’s Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, I’m a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh, I’m sorry, what? Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Rachel is there as Joey gets up and starts putting on his coat.] Joey: All right, I should get going, big day at work. Y’know I’m in a coma? Today, they do this test on me and it turns out I’m not brain dad. Chandler: So… Joey: Ah-ah-ah Mr. Smartie Pants, it’s just my character that’s not brain dad. Hey, so Pheebs, we still on for tonight? Phoebe: Absolutely! Joey: I’ll see you at 8:00. Phoebe: Okay. (Joey exits.) Chandler: Oh, what’s at 8:00? Phoebe: Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys. Ross: Wow, did not know that! May I say how lovely you look today? Phoebe: Duly noted. Ross: Thanks. (Phoebe gets up to get a refill.) (To Monica) Oh! So for tomorrow, do you want to rent a car and drive down together or what? Monica: What are you talking about? Ross: Cousin Frannie’s wedding, it's tomorrow night. Monica: You were invited?! Ross: No. Monica: My God, I can’t believe this! I mean I knew that mom and dad were invited, but I thought that was it! I mean from the ages 7 to 9 Frannie and I were inseparable! Chandler: Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie’s made some new friends. Ross: Well l-look okay, it’s probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl okay? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail. Monica: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that y’know when we were kids her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? And if I hadn’t have stopped her, there probably wouldn’t even be a wedding to go to. Ross: Y’know, she tried to undress me too. Chandler: I used to undress my cousin Glenn. (Monica looks at him then shushes him.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are playing Monopoly as Phoebe enters angrily.] Phoebe: Joseph Francis Tribbiani are you home yet?!! Rachel: Umm, I think he’s still out. What’s wrong? Phoebe: Well, I’ll tell you Rachel Karen Green, I had plans with Joey tonight and he left me this note. (Hands it to Rachel.) Rachel: (reading the note) "Pheebs, can’t make it, got a date. Talk to you later. Big Daddy." (Laughs) Big Daddy? Phoebe: Oh that’s a nickname we were trying out. Ross: Hey, y’know what nickname never caught on? The Ross-A-Tron! (Monica shakes her head in disgust.) Joey: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Oh! Here’s Joseph Francis! Joey: Oh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming me for?! I left you a note! Phoebe: So what?! That doesn’t give you the right to ditch me! Joey: Hey, you can cancel plans with friends if there is the possibility for sex! Ross: Phoebe he’s right, that is the rule. Phoebe: I don’t accept this rule. When we make plans, I expect you to show up. Okay, I can’t just be a way to kll time ‘til you meet someone better! Y’know boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this (Motions that their friendship) is for life! Joey: Wow! I’m so sorry; I had no idea it would bother you this much. Phoebe: Well, it does. Joey: Okay, can I-can I make it up to you? Huh? I’m sorry. (They hug.) How about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! I’ll pay for myself! Phoebe: Okay, you wore me down. Ross: Hey Joe, while you’re over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron? Joey: The Ross—Is that back?!! (Chandler motions no.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters to find Chandler staring at another cheesecake box.] Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again! Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, what’s the problem? Chandler: I can’t seem to say goodbye. Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more? Chandler: Well I’ve forgotten what it tastes like okay?! Rachel: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham crcker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling… (Pause) Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva! Chandler: (closing the box) Y’know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake. Rachel: Yeah and we’ll drop it off downstairs so that we’re not tempted. Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch? Rachel: Momma’s Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.) [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Joey are there. Joey is reading a newspaper.] Joey: Awww! Mel Torme died. Monica: Joey, that paper’s like a year old! Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goody’s sale is over?! Ross: (entering) Hey. Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Ross: So I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl and apparently it wasn’t a mistake. Ahh, there’s-there’s limited seating in the hall. Monica: Limited seating?! (Screechingly) I am just one tiny person! Ross: Well yeah, but she doesn’t know that. I mean, the last time she saw you-you would’ve turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling. Monica: (disgusted) Limited seating! Oh, that is such a lame excuse! That’s not the reason she’s not inviting me! Ross: Oh what’s the big deal?! I wasn’t even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-and y’know what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I will just make an appearance and then, and then we’ll-we’ll leave early as a sign of protest. Monica: Joan? Ross: Yeah, Joan Tedeski my date. She’s an assistant professor in the Linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not broad backed! Monica: Wait a minute, you got Ross Gellar and guest?! I wasn’t invited and you got "and guest?!" Joey: Uh-uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on Ross’s behalf. I-I think the rule applies here y’know, since she has a chance to get on broad back… Ross: (interrupting) Not broad backed! Monica: Wait a minute, y’know, you’re bringing me! Ross: What? I can’t cancel on Joan! Monica: Why not?! Ross: Bec—Did you not hear me?! She’s an assistant professor in the Linguistics department, okay? They’re wild! Why do you want to come anyway? Monica: Because! She’s my cousin. I mean, we grew up together! We’re family y’know? Well that’s important to me. Ross: Okay, all right, I’ll take you. I’ll go call Joan. (Does so.) Joey: Aww that’s nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her life. Monica: (laughs) We’ll see. [Scene: The Lobby of Chandler and Rachel’s building, Chandler and Rachel are returning from lunch.] Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch. Rachel: What? Wait a minute, I didn’t pay, I thought you paid! Chandler: So apparently we just don’t pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see? Rachel: (gasps) Its still there! (The cheesecake they returned to Mrs. Braverman is still lying in front of her door.) Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.) Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she’ll be gone for months. Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don’t want her to come back to bad cheesecake. Rachel: No that could kll her. Chandler: Well, we don’t want that. Rachel: No, so we’re protecting her. Chandler: But we should take it. Rachel: But we should move quick. Chandler: Why? Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there. Chandler: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they take off upstairs.) [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are entering. As Phoebe is sitting down, she recognizes someone sitting at the counter.] Phoebe: (gasps) (whispering) Oh my God! That’s David! Monica: David who? Phoebe: David the scientist guy, David that I was in love with, David who went to Russia and broke my heart David! David: (noticing Phoebe) Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh, you say someone’s name enough, they turn around. David: Phoebe? Phoebe: David! (He kisses her cheek) What-what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in Russia? David: Yeah, I’m just, I’m just in town for a conference. Umm, God you look phenomenal! Phoebe: Well… Yeah. You look great too. Did you get a haircut? David: Yeah. Well I-I got like thirty of them. Phoebe: Yeah. David: Umm, look I-I-I got a confession to make… Phoebe: Uh-huh. David: Uh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I didn’t know whether I should call or not, y’know I-I was only in town for a few days. And y’know, I didn’t want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but I-I really wanted to see you and—but I didn’t know if you wanted to see me. Phoebe: Well, of course I would want to see you. I…I think about you all the time. David: Really? Because I think about you all the time. Phoebe: Really? David: I mean, there’s a statue in Minsk… Phoebe: Uh-huh. David: That reminds me of you so much, I mean umm, it-it’s actually of Lenin. But, y’know at certain angles… Phoebe: Yeah. David: Umm, anyway…Do you want to have dinner tonight? Phoebe: (excited) Yes! Oh no! David: (disappointed) Oh. Uh, what? Phoebe: I can’t. I can’t believe I have plans, I can’t. Can you do it tomorrow night though? David: Uh no, I have to go in a few hours. I have to be on the red-eye. Well listen, y’know, next time you’re in Minsk umm… Monica: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go over and talk.) Monica: What are you doing? Phoebe: Well, I have plans with Joey tonight. Monica: So! He’ll understand! Phoebe: No he won’t. And that’s not even the point! Monica, I made a whole speech about you do not cancel plans with friends! And now y’know what? Just because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night, I-I should change my beliefs?! I should change beliefs! No! No! No, if I don’t have my principles, I don’t have anything! Monica: God, you are so strong. Phoebe: Or! I should rush through dinner with Joey and I can meet David at 9:00! Commercial Break [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Chandler are eating the cheesecake right out of the box.] Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh my God! That is so good! Chandler: I’m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I’ll regret it. Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Joey: (seeing what they’re doing) What do you got there? Rachel: Oh it’s umm, it’s tofu cake. Do you want some? (He makes a disgusted noise and heads for his room, Chandler follows him in.) Chandler: What are you doing tonight? Joey: Huh? Uh… (He starts taking off his pants.) Chandler: Dude! Dude! (Motions that Joey should pull up his pants.) Joey: Oh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry. Uh, I’ve got those plans with Phoebe, why? Chandler: Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00. Joey: What?! Tonight?! Chandler: That’s what Monica said. Joey: After she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? I think she’s trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy! [Scene: Cousin Frannie’s Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are entering and finding their table.] Ross: Oh here, I think this is us. (Reading the name cards.) Yeah. Monica: Limited seating my ass. Let’s see who made the cut. (To the couple sitting to her right.) Hi! The Wedding Guest: Hi! Monica: I’m Monica Gellar. Who do you know the bride and groom? The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with Frannie. Monica: Used to work with her. Used to! I’m a relative and I didn’t get invited! A blood relative! Blood!! Ross: (To Monica) Stop saying, "Blood" to strangers. Monica: (to the couple on her left) So, how about you huh? How do you know the happy couple? The Second Guest: We went to college with both of them and now we live next door. Monica: Okay, you’re fine. [Scene: Iridium Restaurant, Phoebe and Joey are looking at the menus as the waiter comes to take their order.] The Waiter: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! The Waiter: Are you guys ready? Phoebe: Yes! I will have the green salad, umm the house salad, and water’s fine. The Waiter: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. The Waiter: (To Joey) And for you sir? Joey: Yeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talkin’ here? The Waiter: It’s uh, it’s already been roasted. Joey: Ohh, then no. Maybe I should hear those specials again. Phoebe: Oh Joey, we’ve heard the specials three times! Okay? There’s prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli. (She grabs his menu and hands it to the waiter.) The Waiter: Actually we’re out of the lobster ravioli. (Putting Joey’s menu under his arm.) Joey: Oh well, that changes everything! (Grabs his menu and starts looking at it again. The waiter leaves.) Y’know what Pheebs? Phoebe: Huh? Joey: You were right before. I mean, friends are so important. Phoebe: (checking her watch) Yeah, I’m very wise. I know. Joey: Y’know-y’know what I really want? Phoebe: What? Joey: Is to have a long, long talk. Y’know? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up. The Waiter: (returning) Any progress? Joey: Yes! I will have the lobster ravioli. Phoebe: God Joey, this is taking forever! Joey: What’s the rush? What? Phoebe: W-w—I just—it’s that—I have—y’know I have-I have an appointment. And it’s very important. Joey: Whoa-whoa, what is it? Phoebe: Well… It’s a date. Joey: A date?! No, no Pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because I know you wouldn’t schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend! Phoebe: Come on Joey, don’t make me feel badly about this. Joey: No, I’m gonna!! That’s right! Yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin’ out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to you! And now Pheebs, you’re doing the same thing! Phoebe: That—It’s not the same thing! This is totally different! This is with David! Remember David, the scientist guy? Okay, he’s very special to me. Joey: Okay, well my girl from the other night was special. She was a scientist too! Phoebe: She was? Joey: Well, she graduated from high school! Phoebe: Okay, whatever. Y’know what? I don’t have time to convince you because he’s only here for four hours, and I’m gonna go see him! (Gets up and leaves.) Joey: Fine! Phoebe: Yeah! Joey: Fine! Phoebe: Yeah! (She exits.) Joey: (to the waiter) What are you still doin’ here?! I told you, lobster ravioli! [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is running up to meet David.] Phoebe: Hey! David: Hey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I didn’t think you were coming. Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn’t miss this. David: Well, I’m very glad you’re here. (Kisses her hand.) Phoebe: Oh, you’re such a gentleman. (Grabs his arm.) Come on! We’re going to my place! (Drags him off to her place.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating the cheesecake and Chandler enters and catches her in the act.] Chandler: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?! Rachel: (with a mouthful) Mm-mmm. (Nods no.) Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?! Rachel: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are dessert stealers! We are living outside the law! Chandler: Y’know what? I don’t trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I’m takin’ it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.) Rachel: What?! What?! Chandler: Oh yes! Rachel: Wait a minute! Chandler: Oh yes! Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don’t! [Cut to Chandler and Monica’s as they enter.] Chandler: Oh yes! Oh yes! Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No! We’re gonna split it! You take half and I take half! Chandler: Well that’s not fair, you’ve already had some! Rachel: What? Oh, well then y’know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy. Chandler: What do we use to split it? Rachel: Okay! (Grabs a Knfe and cuts it in half.) All right, pick a half. Chandler: (examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh… There’s more crust on this side. Y’know? So, maybe if I measured… Rachel: Oh for God sake just pick a piece! Chandler: All right, I’ll pick that one. (Points.) Rachel: That’s also the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and don’t come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast. (As she’s saying that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!! Chandler: (gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh! Rachel: Okay, you gotta give me some of your piece. Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don’t come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my… (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.) [Scene: Cousin Frannie’s Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are sitting at the table, alone, as a woman approaches.] The Woman: Ross, sweetheart! Ross: Oh, hey Aunt Millie. Aunt Millie: Isn’t it a beautiful wedding?! Ross: Yes, yes it is. It’s uh… (Aunt Millie uses this opportunity to grab Ross and kiss him on the lips. After she leaves Ross quickly wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Every time on the lips! Why?! Why on lips?! (Cousin Frannie and her husband enter.) Monica: Here’s Frannie. Hmm, won’t she be happy to see me? (Starts to get up and greet Frannie.) Ross: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn’t bring you here so you can ambush her. Monica: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to mom. Ross: That bitch! (He gets up and they go over to ambush Frannie. Monica taps on Frannie’s shoulder.) Frannie: (turning around) Monica! What… Monica: Am I doing here? Why? Surprised to see me? Ross brought me. How do you like that?! Ross: (to Frannie) Hi Frannie, congratulations. Monica: You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me?! Why?! What—Why wouldn’t you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done?! (Frannie’s husband walks up.) Stuart! Frannie: I believe you know my husband. (Monica is shocked into silence.) Ross: So it’s really a question of who could you have possibly done. [Scene: Outside Central Perk, David has a cab waiting to take him to the airport and he’s saying goodbye to Phoebe.] David: Oh, I hate this but I-I-I have to go. I-I can’t miss my flight. Phoebe: Are you sure? I’ll bet there’s another flight to Minsk in like… David: July. Umm, (He speaks Russian.) Phoebe: That’s really beautiful. What does it mean? David: Please, clean my beakers. I don’t get out of the lab much. Phoebe: That’s good. I got to admit, I thought it was something else. David: Yeah, I… Well I really actually wanted to say umm, that, but um, I figured I probably shouldn’t because y’know, I…have to leave. Phoebe: You’re right! You’re right. Don’t say it. David: I-I do though. Phoebe: I do too. (They kiss.) David: Bye Phoebe. (He gets in and the cab drives off. Joey walks up and witnesses that event.) Phoebe: (seeing him) Okay, now’s not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow. Joey: No! No! No Pheebs, I’m not gonna yell at you. I just y’know, started thinking about you and David and I…remember how bummed you were the first time he left. And I just… Oh Pheebs, come here. (He hugs her.) Are you okay? Phoebe: No I’m not okay. The only guy I’ve ever been crazy about has gone to Minsk and I may never…I may never see him again. (Crying.) Joey: Hey, y’know you could always visit him. Phoebe: Oh right, like they’re gonna let me have a passport. Joey: Anything I can do? Whatever you need. Phoebe: Well—But—Now, if-if you can achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles y’know before he does, then he can come back. (They hug again.) Joey: I can give it a sh*t. [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.] Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it! Chandler: Stick to your side! Rachel: Hey, come on now! (Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.) Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin’? (Starts digging in.) Ending Credits [Scene: Cousin Frannie’s Wedding Reception, Ross and Monica are at the door and about to leave.] Monica: Oh wait I forgot my wrap. Ross: What? Oh, okay. Wait here. (Goes to get it, but before he gets there Aunt Millie sits down on it forcing him to pull it out from behind her which gets her attention.) Aunt Millie: Hi sweetie! Are you leaving? Ross: Well… Aunt Millie: Give us a kiss. Come on! Come on! (Ross hesitates then leans down trying to get her to kiss his cheek, but she moves his head around and kisses him on the lips again.) Ross: Why?! Why on the lips?! (He wipes his mouth on Monica’s wrap and walks off, leaving Aunt Millie stunned.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x11 - The One With All The Cheesecakes"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Zack Rosenblatt Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: The Building’s Roof, the entire gng plus Tag are there to look for a comet. They’re looking for a comet on a roof of a New York apartment building. Yeah, that’s realistic. You might as well look for the moon on a bright sunny day.] Monica: (looking up) Ross, when’s this comet thing start? Ross: Well, technically it started seven billion years ago… (Well, technically you’d be able to see it for days, well nights; that is if you could see it with all of the bright lights of New York.) All: (groaning) Oh no! Oh no! (They all start to get up and leave.) Ross: Okay! Okay! Fine, I’ll stop! No teaching, okay? We’ll just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky. (Comets don’t streak across the sky, meteors do.) Okay? Who’s official name is Bapstein-King. All: Okay! Okay! (They start to leave again.) Phoebe: (looking up) There it is! Oh, look at that! Isn’t Mother Nature amazing? Chandler: (looking up with her) That’s a plane! Phoebe: Well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high, that’s pretty amazing too. Tag: Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment from up here. Rachel: No. No, you can’t. Tag: What? Rachel: Oh I don’t-I don’t know. Ross: Man, look at all those stars! (Yeah, you can see what? Five of them from the city?) Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Joey: (looking through his binoculars at a nearby building) Y’know what else makes you wonder? Ross: Huh? Joey: Check out the rack on this chick! (Turns around to point it out to Ross and finds that Ross is glaring at him. So he quickly puts his binoculars to his eyes and starts looking for the comet.) Opening Credits [Scene: The Roof, continued from earlier.] Monica: Okay, we’ve been out here for two hours and we haven’t seen any stupid comets. Can we go now? I mean, Chandler’s getting chilly. (She walks over to where Chandler is bundled up in a big coat and shivering.) Chandler: (with a quivering voice) No, I’m not! Joey: Then why are you wearing Monica’s jacket? Chandler: Because it’s flattering! (Shivers harder) Come on Monica! Come on Monica! (He goes inside.) Rachel: Yeah actually, I think we’re gonna take off too. We rented a movie. Phoebe: Oh! I won’t say, ‘no’ to a movie! Rachel: Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone. Phoebe: Shh! Get me out of here. Rachel: Oh. (They leave, leaving just Joey and Ross.) Joey: (whispering) Ross! Ross: What? Joey: Come here, check this out! Ross: What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where Joey’s standing.) Joey: No! No-no. Look, there’s a bug stuck in tar right here. (Bends down to get a closer look.) Ross: Joey come—I can’t believe—I bring you here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of nature’s most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman! Joey: (standing up) Y’know, there’s two women dude. Ross: Show me where? Joey: Right-right up here. (Starts looking at them through a piece of pipe.) Ross: (noticing the pipe and looking at the door) Joey where’s the pipe that was holding the door open? Joey: (annoyed) I don’t know! (Goes back to looking through the pipe.) (Pause) Yeah, I do. Ross: Joey! Joey: What?! All right—Hey! Don’t look at me! You’re the one who wanted to come up and look for some stupid Burger King comet! Ross: It’s called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? (Joey starts to groan.) Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer! Joey: (covering his ears and yelling) Oh no! No! No! (He starts banging on the door.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, Monica is sleeping and Chandler’s sitting in bed, wide awake.] Chandler: (whispering) Monica! Monica: She’s sleeping. Chandler: I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon? Monica: Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duval, Armageddon is what’s going to happen to you if you wake me up. Chandler: Sorry, I just…can’t sleep. Ooh! (Turns on the light and Monica groans.) Where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? Because every time I look at that cover I’m like…(Fake snores.) Monica: It is in the living room where there is also a light! And no one will kick you in the shin. Chandler: What?! (Monica kicks him in the shin.) Ow! (He gets out of bed and heads into the living room.) [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is a beeping noise coming from the living room and Phoebe sleepily goes to investigate.] Phoebe: (crossing her fingers and closing her eyes) Please don’t be a space ship. Please don’t be a space ship. (She turns on the light and looks around and finds that it’s the smoke detector that’s beeping.) Oh thank God! (She moves a chair over and starts to investigate how to make the beeping turn off, in frustration she yanks the thing off of the wall. She sets it down and heads for bed, just as she gets there it beeps again. She opens the cover and removes the battery, but it still beeps.) How could you be beeping?! I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can… Smoke Detector: Beep! Phoebe: Don’t interrupt me!! [Scene: The Roof, Ross and Joey are banging on the door.] Ross: Rachel!! Monica!! Joey: Come on! (Ross gets fed up with Joey’s banging and stops him by pulling him away from the door.) Ross: I can’t believe this!! Joey: All right well, y’know…I guess we know what we have to do to get down. Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we don’t have a choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! We’re stuck up on the roof and we can’t get down!!! Joey: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fre escape. (Points it out.) Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasn’t finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But don’t worry! We’re gonna go down the fre escape!! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Chandler has a jug of milk in his hands and decides to make some warm milk. He opens up the cabinet to get a pot and manages to knock several other pots onto the floor making a lot of noise.] Chandler: Shhhhhhhhh!!! (Monica enters) I’m sorry, I thought maybe I’d make some warm milk and it would help me sleep. Monica: With a wok? (Chandler’s holding a wok.) I thought you were going to read my boring book to put you asleep. Chandler: It got interesting! Damn you Oprah! Monica: Here, let me make the milk, I’m up anyway. Chandler: Hey, y’know what we can do? Y’know, now that we are up? We can just like talk to each other all night long, y’know like we did when we were first going out. It’d be fun! Monica: Okay that does sound like fun. Chandler: Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh? Monica: The second sister dies?! Chandler: (Pause) No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading. Monica: The second sister dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest? Chandler: That’s correct. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Tag are making out on the couch.] Rachel: You wanna go in the bedroom? It’s a little more comfortable. Tag: Sure. Rachel: Okay. (They start to head for the bedroom) Oh wait! Umm, did you send those contracts to Milan? Tag: If this is your idea of sexy talk? (Shakes his head that it’s not working.) Rachel: No seriously, y’know the contracts I gave you, did you overnight them? Tag: What contracts? Rachel: Okay please tell me that this is just one of your jokes that you do that I don’t get. Tag: Like what? Rachel: Y’know, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? (He starts laughing.) Tag! I’m serious! This isn’t funny! Those contracts absolutely had to go out today! Tag: Rach, I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me any contracts! Rachel: Yes I did! And I put a little Post-It on it that said, "Must go out today," and underlined today three times and, and then I put a little heart in the corner because I didn’t want to seem too bossy. Tag: I’m telling you, you never gave them to me. Rachel: Y’know what Tag, if we went down to the office you would see those contracts sitting on your desk. Tag: No, I would see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my desk! Rachel: Or maybe you would see me looking embarrassed because you are talking on the phone with your crotch! Tag: You wanna go down to the office right now? Rachel: No! Come on its late, we’re not gonna go down to the office. Tag: Okay I understand. (Sits down.) I wouldn’t want to be proved wrong either. Rachel: Okay get your coat! (They get their coats and start to leave. Rachel suddenly stops and sticks her hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh! When did you unhook this? (Her bra.) Nice work! [Scene: The fre Escape, Joey and Ross have reached the last landing. Joey is tugging on the ladder that extends to the ground, but it won’t budge.] Joey: All right, it won’t go down any further. It’s stuck. Ross: Ugh. Well, we’re just gonna have to jump. (Joey looks at him.) Yeah. Now, we’re gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not ht the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there…you go up to the roof and you let me in. Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?! Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, you’ll be fine! It-it’ll be uh, just like bungy jumping. Y’know? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won’t. Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete? Ross: Well, I’m not gonna lie to you Joey, it’s a possibility. Joey: (looks at the ground and at Ross) I don’t know Ross! I-I tell you what, let’s flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right? Ross: Oh, all right. (Joey flips the coin.) Tails! (The coin bounces off of the landing above them and falls to the ground.) Can you-can you see what it is? Joey: No. Ross: Okay. Well, you be careful. Joey: What? No! No Ross! No-no! Stop! I’m not jumping! Okay, look I have an audition tomorrow and I can’t go if I break my leg. Ross: Well I’m not jumping! I have a son! Okay? He won’t have a father if-if I die! Joey: Well all right so, it looks like we’re even! [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is still investigating the smoke detector trying to figure out how to stop the beeping.] Phoebe: Okay. So, this wire is connected to this wire which plugs into here. (She points at each as she says it.) Okay so, to get the beeping to stop all I have to do… (She picks up a shoe and proceeds to pummel the smoke detector. She then gets up and heads to bed, stops, quickly turns around, and is satisfied that the beeping has stopped.) Well done, Pheebs. (She resumes her trek to bed, but is stopped at the entrance to the hallway by the now steady and extremely loud tone emanating from the smoke detector.) (Yelling.) What do you want from me?!!!!!!! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Monica is entering with a mug.] Monica: Okay, here’s your milk. What do you want to talk about? (She sees that Chandler has fallen asleep and slams the door loudly to wake him up.) Chandler: (startled) What? What? What? Monica: Ohh! Ohhhh! Were you sleeping sweetie? I’m sorry. Here. (Hands the mug of milk to him.) [Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, Tag and her are arriving.] Tag: Okay! Feel free to look, but I’m telling you those contracts are not on this desk. Rachel: Oh how can you possibly know? Look at this mess, Tag! I mean, this is what I’m talking about! You have to be organized! You’ve got newspapers! You’ve got magazines! You got—Ohh! (Finds a picture.) And who is this chippy? A little young for you Tag, but whatever. Tag: It’s my sister. Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway y’know what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. (She goes into her office.) Tag: So when do you imagine you gave them to me? In the morning or in the afternoon? Rachel: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it (Looks down onto her desk and finds the folder with the Post-It on it that contains the contracts she imagined she gave Tag) that said, "Must go out today." So you just keep looking in there! All right? Commercial Break [Scene: Rachel’s outer office, Tag has finished searching his desk and Rachel comes out to try to plant the folder on the desk.] Tag: It’s not here. Rachel: Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why don’t you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the contracts in there? Tag: How could I have left them in the copy room? Rachel: I don’t know Tag! How can your genitals make phone calls? Okay? It’s not a perfect world! Just go please. Tag: Fine. Rachel: Thank you. (He leaves and she proceeds to plant the folder in his bottom drawer. She then picks up the phone and holds it to her breasts.) Hello? (Hangs up the phone.) I still don’t get it. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler has his eyes closed, while Monica is fully awake.] Monica: Are you still awake? Chandler: Yeah! You? Monica: You do know that was me who just said that right? (He doesn’t respond and she turns on the light, waking him.) Hey. As long as we’re both up… Chandler: (intrigued) Yeah? (Monica nods yes.) I hope you’re not thinking about cleaning the living room. [Scene: The fre escape, Joey and Ross are still trying to figure out how to get down.] Joey: Man, I’m starving! What the hell was I thinking at dinner?! "Do you want soup or salad?" Both! Always order both! Ross: (looking in the window behind them) Y’know, y’know I’m lookin’ and I don’t think anyone’s home here. I say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and y’know explain later. Joey: Yeah? Really? No one’s home? Ross: I don’t think so. Hello? (Knocks on the glass, which angers the big, large, angry dog behind the glass and causes them to jump to the other side of the landing.) When you get in there… (Joey nods his disapproval.) [Scene: Phoebe’s apartment building, in desperation she has wrapped up the smoke detector in a blanket and is going to throw it into the trash chute.] Phoebe: Okay, this is where you and I part ways. (She drops the blanket into the chute.) Noisy bitch! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is turning on the light to awaken a now sleeping Monica.] Monica: What?! What are you doing?! Chandler: Do you know what just happened? Monica: Yeah. We-we had sex and then we fell asleep. Chandler: No. We were in the middle of sex…and you fell asleep. Monica: Nooo! No, that’s not true. No, best time ever! Yeah, you rocked my world! (She turns out the light to go back to sleep.) Chandler: (turning the light back on) Monica? Monica: What?! Chandler: I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right! Monica: Okay. Okay, I’m ready. Come on big fella! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Give me the good stuff. Chandler: Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Don’t fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesn’t move as he gets out of bed and as he’s heading for the door.) And I probably won’t spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor. Monica: Okay, I’m up! I’m up! [Scene: Rachel’s outer office, she’s returning with two coffee cups in hand to find Tag sitting there.] Rachel: Hi! I got you some coffee. To, uh… (She looks for a place to set it on his messy desk and he clears a spot for her to set it down.) …fair enough. So! Do you got anything for me? Tag: Still no luck. Rachel: Oh my God! Did you check your entire desk! Did you check all the drawers! Tag: Do you want me to check again? Rachel: Well yeah, I wish that you would. (He opens the top drawer.) Well, no it’s not in there! (Closes it.) How about that drawer? (She points to the bottom one and he opens it. She doesn’t see the folder she planted and bends over to check.) Tag: Well, it’s not out here. Is there any chance it could be in your office? Rachel: (thinks) Y’know, I don’t-I don’t know. Let me, let me check. (As she heads for her office, she stops glances over her shoulder at Tag, looks into her office, and finds the folder on her desk.) Tag: (smirking) Any luck? Rachel: Can I see you in my office for a minute? Tag: (entering) Yeah? (She holds up the folder) You found them!! (Rachel is not amused, because she’s still going to try to blame him for her mistake like every ‘good’ boss.) Y’know what? I’m not even going to gloat. I’m just really relieved this whole thing is over. Rachel: You put these on my desk! Tag: I did not! Rachel: Oh really? So you’re saying they just slid out of your bottom drawer, crawled across the floor, then jumped on to my desk?! (I think Dogbert should have a line here.) Tag: How did you know they were in my bottom drawer? Rachel: (pause as she realizes her lame attempt to shift the blame has failed) I am so hot for you right now. [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is someone pounding on the door and Phoebe sleepily walks over and answers it. As she nears the door, the pounding stops and she can hear the smoke detector’s wail.] Phoebe: Oh my God! How did you get back here?! A Disembodied Voice: (yelling through the door) Phoebe Buffay?! Phoebe: (scared) fre alarm? (She opens the door to reveal a fireman holding the blanket with the smoke detector.) Oh! Hi, officer—fireman, can-can I help you? The Fireman: We found your fre alarm in the trash chute. Phoebe: That’s not mine. The Fireman: Yes it is. Phoebe: How do you know? The Fireman: The next time you want to dump a fre alarm in a trash chute, don’t wrap it in a blanket that says, "Property of Phoebe Buffay not Monica." Phoebe: Okay do you—Okay, do you have a search warrant? Because the last time I checked this was still America! The Fireman: Please reattach this, it’s against the law to disconnect them. Phoebe: Fine! (She takes the blanket.) But please God; tell me how to stop them from going off! The Fireman: There’s a reset button under the plastic cover. Phoebe: There’s a reset button?! Ugh, thank you! Thank you! (He exits and she goes to shut it off.) There’s a reset button! My God! Why didn’t I see that! (She takes off the plastic cover and looks for the button.) Reset button, reset button, where is there a reset button? (Finds it.) Oh here it is! (Picks it up off of the floor.) Oh! (She presses it hard, but of course it would help if the button was still attached to the detector. In frustration she presses it so hard it causes pain in her thumb.) Ohh, God! [Scene: The fre escape, Joey is now hanging off of the bottom rung of the ladder that won’t move and Ross is watching from above.] Ross: Okay, do-do you have a good grip? Joey: Yeah! Ross: Okay, I’m going to start climb down you now. Joey: All right! Just hurry up! Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face. Joey: I think face to face. Ross: I would say that. Joey: Face to face, yeah! Ross: Okay, here I go. Joey: All right. (Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey’s chest.) Joey: (grunting) Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?! Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little holiday weight. (Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey’s torso, but that doesn’t work very well and he’s forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross’s crotch.) Joey: Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we thought it all the way through. Ross: So what do you want me to do? Joey: Well, just shimmy down me and drop! (Ross continues his trek south, and when they get face to face.) Ross: Hi. Joey: Hi. Ross: (looking down) M-maybe I should hang and you can climb down me. Joey: (angrily) Yeah? Maybe we should talk about that for a little while! Ross: It’s still looks pretty far! Joey: It’s not that far! Just drop! Ross: Do not rush me!! (Ross continues south and his now wrapped around Joey’s legs.) Joey: Ross, you should know that my pants are startin’ to come down and I’m not wearing any underwear! (Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground with a huge crash.) Ross: Oww!! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I think I twisted it when I—Ooh, a quarter! Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they’re cuddling.] Monica: That really was some of your best work. Chandler: Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the clock) I can’t believe that I’ve only got two hours before I call in sick for work. Monica: I have to be up in seven minutes. Chandler: Well, you’re not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes… Monica: Really?! Chandler: Do you wanna? Monica: Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and I’ll get the furniture polish! (She runs off leaving a stunned Chandler behind.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x12 - The One Where They\u2019re Up All Night"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to move Joey’s chair and not having much luck at it as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Joey: What are you doing? Rachel: Well, y’know I was thinking of moving the couch over here. Joey: (laughs) Why would you want to do that? Rachel: So that there will be a decent place for me to sit. Joey: Rach, there is a decent place to… Rachel: And your lap does not count! Okay? Come on help me move this. Joey: No. No. No. Rachel: No? Joey: No. Rosita does not move. Rachel: I’m sorry, Rosita? As in… Joey: As in Rosita does not move. Rachel: Joey, it’s just a chair! What’s the big deal? Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it’s at the perfect angle so you don’t get any glare coming of off Stevie. Rachel: Stevie the TV? Joey: (glaring at her) Is there a problem? Rachel: No! (Joey sets his beer and bag of chips down and heads into his room.) Oh what does he know! Come on Rosita, us chichas got to stick together! (She tries pulling on the back of the chair, until the hinge breaks and the back falls off.) You bitch! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are on the couch talking. Phoebe is getting coffee.] Ross: Hey, y’know what’s weird? After you guys get married, when you introduce me to people you’re gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-law Ross." Not, "My friend Ross," "brother-in-law Ross." That’s weird isn’t it? Chandler: Couldn’t I just say, "This is Ross?" Ross: (disappointed) Sure, do whatever you want. (Phoebe sits down between Chandler and Ross.) Monica: (entering, carrying a newspaper) Hey Ross! So, I was checking out the uh, real estate section… Ross: Yeah? Monica: Look at this. (Hands him the newspaper.) Ross: Oh, it looks like mom and dad’s house. Oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic is…Oh my God!! Phoebe: What? What happened to the window in the attic?! Monica: I can’t believe mom and dad are selling the house! Ross: I can’t believe they-they didn’t even tell us! Phoebe: I can’t believe I still don’t know what happened to the window in the attic! (Ross calls his parents on his cell phone.) Ross: (on phone) Uh, hello dad! Monica and I just saw the house in the paper! (Listens) Yes we’re surprised! (Listens) Who did you leave a message with? Chandler: (knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is examining the injury to Rosita while Rachel is apologizing to him.] Rachel: Joey, Joey I am so sorry. Joey: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, and you said don’t, and I did it anyway and her head fell off? Rachel: Okay, come on—Joey, I’ll buy you a new one! All right? We’ll go down to the store right now and we’ll-we’ll get you a new chair. Joey: (slowly turning and glaring at her) She’s not even cold yet! Rachel: But don’t you think Rosita would’ve wanted you to move on? I mean y’know, she did always put…your comfort first. Joey: That’s true. (Rachel turns for the door and makes the "Wow!" face.) Rachel: (grabbing her coat) Okay? You ready? Joey: Yeah, I… (Shuts off the TV.) I don’t want Stevie to see her like this. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Monica are still going on about the house.] Ross: I can’t believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in. Man, some-some stranger’s gonna be living in my room. Monica: Well, after 15 years of mom and dad keeping it as a shrine to you, it’s time the velvet ropes came down. Ross: They kept your room for a while. Monica: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria’s Secret catalogues, not a gym! Ross: Come on, you know they love you. Monica: As much as they love you? Ross: I was their first born! They thought she was barren! It’s not my fault. Phoebe: (entering) Hey. Ross: Hey. Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Ugh, I hate this year! Ross: What’s wrong with this year? Phoebe: Well okay, it’s already February and I’ve only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world! Monica: That was me and Ross. Phoebe: Oh that’s right! Ross: Hey, y’know if you want to pick up some extra cash? Some friends of mine made good money doing telemarketing. Monica: Oh that’s a great idea. You’re really good on the phone. Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. Y’know, I probably wouldn’t have to say spank as much. (Monica and Ross are shocked.) Ross: What? Phoebe: Oh yeah, like you never called! [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is getting shown to her desk by the supervisor.] Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can. Phoebe: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office. Supervisor: (laughs) Why don’t we do a trial run. Phoebe: Oh okay. Umm, all right. (Picks up the phone and starts reading from the script.) Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? Supervisor: I’m the supply manager. Phoebe: Umm, okay I would like to talk to you about your toner needs. Supervisor: We don’t need any toner. Phoebe: Oh okay, well I’m sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. (Hangs up the phone.) Yeah you’re right, this is easy. Supervisor: Okay, what was wrong with that call? Phoebe: Oh well, all right…um, no offense, but you were kind of rude. Supervisor: They’re always going to tell you they don’t need toner, but that’s okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script. Phoebe: Oh. Supervisor: So, I think you’re ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions? Phoebe: No. (Pause) Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is entering.] Chandler: Joey! Joe! (Sees that he’s not here and starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beer’s still cold. Something terrible must’ve happened here! (He decides it’s not that important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.) [Scene: Ross and Monica’s parent’s garage, Ross and Monica are arriving to go through their things. Mr. Geller is in the garage.] Ross: Dad? Mr. Geller: I’m here! Ross: (entering with Monica) Hey! Mr. Geller: Hi. God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work. Ross: Dad, we-we can’t believe you’re selling the house. Mr. Geller: Well, it’s time for a new family to start their memories here and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling. Ross: (To Monica) Let’s grab our stuff and get the hell out of here. Mr. Geller: I’m sorry we can’t store your childhood things anymore. Monica: Oh, that’s okay, I can’t wait to see everything again! All of the memories… Mr. Geller: Well, I don’t know what’s in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic. Monica: I used to love to play restaurant. Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater. Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies! (She goes to the attic.) Mr. Geller: So, I think you’re boxes are over here. (They walk over to them.) Ross: Wow! Great! (Finds a pack of cigarettes.) Wait, dad who-who’s cigarettes are these? Mr. Geller: I don’t know. They-they must be your mother’s, but please, please don’t ask her. I’ll throw these away. (He puts them in his pocket as Ross finds something of interest in one of his boxes.) Ross: Cool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check this out dad, (reading his grades) Math, A. Science, A. History, A. Gym…(He puts it away and finds something else.) Oooh, my rock polisher! Mr. Geller: Oh look, look there’s your old makeup kit! Ross: It’s a clown kit! Clown kit! Mr. Geller: Well, the white seems to be untouched. (He throws it back into the box as Mr. Geller moves a tarp and makes a discovery.) Uh-oh. Ross: What? Mr. Geller: Y’know how the garage floods every Spring? Ross: How are you ever going to sell this place? Mr. Geller: I think I accidentally used Monica’s boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche. Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What…(He goes to open one of her boxes and it rips apart.) Oh God…everything’s ruined! Dad, she’s gonna be crushed! Mr. Geller: You don’t secretly smoke do you? Ross: No! Mr. Geller: So it’s just your mother then. [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is hard at work.] Phoebe: (on phone) Hi, this Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? (Listens) Earl, thanks. (Listens) Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies I’d like to talk to you about your toner needs. (She’s reading from the script.) [Cut to Earl’s office, who is played by Jason Alexander, George from Seinfeld. They cut back and forth between Phoebe’s and Earl’s offices with each of their lines.] Earl: I don’t need any toner. Phoebe: I’m hearing what you’re saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner. Earl: Not me. Phoebe: May I ask why? Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why? Phoebe: I surely do! Earl: Okay, I don’t need any toner because I’m going to kll myself. (Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted response to that line.) Phoebe: (doesn’t have any luck) Umm, is-is that because you’re out of toner? Commercial Break [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still talking to Earl.] Earl: Okay, so…no toner today. Thanks anyway, bye-bye. Phoebe: No-no wait-wait! I can’t just let you hang up! Just please talk to me. Earl: Well…I only have one thing to do today. (He looks at his board in his office that reads, "Today’s Tasks: kll SELF.") I guess I could push it back. Phoebe: Yeah! Now, why do you want to kll yourself? Earl: It’s just that I uh, have been working for ten years now at this meaningless, dad-end job and nobody here even knows I exist! Phoebe: Chandler? Earl: I-I’m sorry? Phoebe: No look, I-I’m sure that people know you exist! Earl: Oh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people. I’ve been talking to you for five minutes now about klling myself and no one’s even looked up from their desk. Hang-hang on. (To the people standing around his cubicle.) Hey everybody! Uh, I’m gonna kll myself! (There’s no response; no one even looks up.) I’ll get back to ya. (To Phoebe) I got nothing. Wait. (He sets the phone down.) Uh, hey Marge! (Mimes putting a gn to his head, pulling the trigger, and splattering his brain on the wall behind him. Then points to himself. Marge watches this, then goes back to work.) (To Phoebe) Ehh, nothing. Nothing. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler has replaced Rosita with his chair.] Chandler: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.) Rachel: You will like it! Joey: No I won’t. (Chandler runs to check on them coming up the stairs.) Rachel: You don’t even know! Joey: Because, I know what I like and what I don’t like! It’s not the same thing! (Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his apartment and quickly starts pushing the base into his apartment.) Rachel: Well look, if you don’t like this…(The audience’s laughter at Chandler’s progress cuts out the rest of Rachel’s line.) Joey: I don’t know why you say that so soon. (Joey and Rachel reach the landing just as Chandler closes the door.) Rachel: Come on Joey, I just bought you a new chair! The most expensive one in the store! Hey, y’know what I was thinking? We could name her Francette. Joey: Francette? What is she? A couch? (They enter their apartment.) Joey: Poor thing. Cut down in her prime. Rachel: Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour. Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here. Y’know, start the heeling process? Joey: Well, I guess you’re right. Maybe, maybe I’ll take her down to the incinerator. It’s gonna be so said, and kinda cool. (He goes to remove the back, but it doesn’t come off. So he sits down in it, puts his feet up, stands up, and looks back at it.) She’s heeled! Rachel: That’s weird. Joey: No it’s not weird, it’s a miracle! Rachel: It’s not a miracle Joey! I’m sure there’s some explanation. Joey: Oh there is! If you want something enough and your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen! Rachel: Joey, I really don’t… Joey: (interrupting her) Can you tell me how this happened? Rachel: Well no. Joey: Miracle! Rachel: No, y’know what? Maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! Or something! Joey: Someone like an…angel? Rachel: That’s right Joey, the chair angel came in and heeled your chair. (She sits down in the chair.) Joey: (angrily) Get your non-believer ass outta my chair! (She gets up and heads for her room.) [Scene: The Geller’s Garage, continued from earlier. Ross and Mr. Geller are still deciding what to do.] Mr. Geller: Well, she’ll understand right? It’s not like I did it on purpose. Ross: Dad that won’t matter to her. Look, all my stuff is safe and dry and all her is-is, is growing new stuff! See, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes her think you guys love me more than you love her. Mr. Geller: Oh my God, does she really thinks that? Ross: Well, can you blame her? Mr. Geller: Well I don’t know, I-I suppose we may have favored you unconsciously, you were a medical marvel! The doctor said your mother could… Ross: Dad, dad I don’t want to hear about it. Mr. Geller: Really? Ross: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica came here for some memories and damnit, we’re gonna give her some! Okay, grab…grab some empty boxes. Okay? We’ll-we’ll take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers we’ll-we’ll put ‘em in their. Mr. Geller: Great! Ross: Like uh y’know like this! This! (He picks up one of those art projects that kids make in kindergarten and first grade.) She-she could’ve made this! Mr. Geller: Sure! Ross: Right? And this! (He picks up a trophy) She-she could’ve won this! Mr. Geller: (grabbing a glove) This could’ve been hers! Ross: Sure! Ooh-ooh, what about this? Mr. Geller: Your make-up kit? I’d feel better. (Ross angrily throws the kit into one of Monica’s new boxes.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting the now heeled Rosita as Rachel is sitting in the newly arrived Francette. Francette is one of those new chairs from La-Z-Boy that has and does everything except cook and go to the bathroom for you. It’s got a small refrigerator under one armrest it has phone jacks for the Internet and regular phone, and so much more.] Rachel: (grabbing a beer out of the chair’s fridge) I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself! Joey: Yeah, me too. (He flips up his armrest in disgust.) Rachel: Hey, how’s…how’s the uh, miracle chair? Joey: Fine. Rachel: Yeah? Wow! Y’know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest! Joey: No. Really? Rachel: Yeah! You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio! Joey: (quietly) My chair heels itself. [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still trying to talk Earl out of su1c1de.] Phoebe: Earl, you’re not hearing me! All I’m saying is that you’re not alone all right? Everybody hates the people they work with! (One of her coworkers overhears that, and she mimes that she didn’t mean him.) Guy: (walking past Earl’s desk) Hey guy! Phoebe: Wait, what was that? That sounded like someone being nice to you. Earl: No! That’s just the "Hey Guy" guy. He says that to everybody! He’s the worst! I’d like to take him with me! Phoebe: All right so Earl, let’s just forget about the people at the office, okay? There-there’s gotta be someone else in your life worth sticking around for! What about-what about your family, your friends, or maybe your girlfriend? Earl: (laughs) Yeah! Right! Phoebe: Oh sorry, boyfriend! Earl: Oh no. Phoebe: No, whatever! Anything! The "Hey Guy" Guy: Hey guy! Phoebe: Yeah, he’s gotta go. Earl: Okay, I should, I should probably be getting back to my thing now. See ya. (Hangs up.) Phoebe: No! I’m not finished yet! Don’t! Don’t you dare hang up on me!!! Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new girl’s good. [Scene: The Geller’s Garage, Mr. Geller and Ross are finishing up recreating Monica’s memories as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey guys! Hey! Ross: Hey. Monica: Hey, I just whipped us up some Easy Bake treats, they should be ready in about three days. Mr. Geller: (overacting) That’s a good one! Do you hear that Ross? Three days! Ross: (overacting as well) Yeah! Yeah! (Laughs.) Oh, this will make a great memory. Monica: (wary) Okay. So, which boxes are mine? Ross: Well, these. These are yours right here. (Pointing to the boxes they just created for her.) Monica: Okay. (Starting to go through them) Oh! A coloring book! (Holding it up.) Ross: Yeah. Yeah, oh you loved that thing. You always had it with you. You never went anywhere without-without that coloring book. Monica: (looking through it) Really? Wow! It looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines. Ross: Nu-uh! (Grabs it and examines it.) Monica: (holding up a glove) Oh, an old glove? Mr. Geller: Oh, yeah you loved that glove! You took it every place you went. You never went any place without that glove. Monica: Wow! Look at this! (Picking up a shirt.) I can’t believe I even fit into this shirt! (She holds it up and it reads: Tyrannosaurus Ross.) (She turns it around and looks at it.) Oh, this is yours. (Hands it to Ross.) Ross: Oh, I don’t know how that got in there. Monica: (holding up a small cowboy hat) This isn’t mine. (Sets it down and looks at the rest of the boxes.) Hey, this isn’t, this isn’t my stuff! Ugh, Ross! (Grabs and holds up a doll.) These are your boxes! Where are my boxes? Ross: Umm, your boxes are umm… Monica: What? Ross: Dad? Mr. Geller: Well, the garage flooded sweetie and it ruined everything in your boxes. I’m sorry. Monica: Just mine? Mr. Geller: I’m afraid so. Monica: So why-why wasn’t Ross’s stuff ruined? (Pause) And if you say the words medical marvel I’m going to Easy Bake your head! Mr. Geller: Well, I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche. Monica: So wait, Ross’s stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water!!! Mr. Geller: There was also leaves and guk and stuff. Monica: I can’t believe this! (Storms out.) Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Screw it! I’m having one. (Takes out and lights a cigarette.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is writing a letter by the bay window as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hey Chandler! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: How would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers in the head rest? Chandler: Yeah, I’d love to but I’ve tried that so many times they won’t even let me in the store anymore. Rachel: Well what if I told you, you can do it in my apartment? Chandler: (excitedly) Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year? Rachel: I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000. (Which is an actual product by the way, I’m not sure about the 3000 part.) Chandler: That’s awesome! That’s great! What made you do it?! Rachel: Well, it’s a long story, but umm I broke Joey’s chair… Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joey’s chair? Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: I thought I broke Joey’s chair! That’s why I replaced it with mine! Rachel: Ohhhhh. That’s how it got fixed! Chandler: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it? Rachel: Noo! (Laughs) Angels. Chandler: I’m gettin’ my chair back! (Heads for Joey and Rachel’s.) Rachel: What? Wh-hey! (They enter Joey and Rachel’s to find that Joey has broken Chandler’s chair.) Joey: Well, it looks like it wasn’t heeled after all! Yeah! So, I guess this chair is mine now! (Sits down in it and groans.) Chandler: Joey you broke my chair!! Joey: Your chair?! Rachel: Yeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs! Joey: So, there was no miracle?! Rachel: No Joe, no miracle. Joey: (sarcastic) Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. I’m so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life. Rachel: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you don’t get that chair anymore! All right? That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! (Joey starts to get up.) No I take that back! Chandler: I think I should get the chair! (Rachel and Joey both laugh at that suggestion.) Joey: How do you figure? Chandler: Because you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair! The only one around here that hasn’t broke a chair, is me! Rachel: No-no-no! This chair’s not going anywhere. Chandler: Well, where’s the logic in that?! Rachel: The logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half! Chandler: So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing! (Joey whispers in Rachel’s ear to confirm his response.) Joey: That’s right! Chandler: What are you guys? Like a gng or something?! (They confer again.) Joey: Yeah! We are! (Rachel whispers in Joey’s ear.) Rachel: We’re the Cobras! [Scene: Earl’s Office, Earl has his head in his hands as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: (to Marge) Excuse me! Can you tell me where I can find Earl? He’s the supply manager around here. Marge: Sorry, I don’t know any Earl. Earl: (screaming) I’m right here!!!! Phoebe: (goes over to his desk) Earl! I’m Phoebe. Earl: Phoebe? The lady who sells toner? Phoebe: Umm, look it, you-you can’t kll yourself. Earl: (exhales) Look, um I really appreciate your coming down… Phoebe: No-no I can’t! I can’t let you do it! Earl: Why?! Phoebe: Because it was fate that made me call you today! Earl: I thought it was toner. Phoebe: No! Think about it okay? This isn’t even my regular job! Okay? And my first day on the job, you’re my first call! And-and somebody else might’ve hung up on you, but I wouldn’t do that because I know about this stuff. My mom klled herself. Earl: Really?! Phoebe: Yes. Earl: How? Phoebe: I’m not gonna give you tips! Look don’t you see that this-this…this all came together so that I could stop you from doing this. Earl: Couldn’t it just be a coincidence? Phoebe: No, it’s fate! Earl: It doesn’t really seem like enough to be fate. Phoebe: Oh. Well umm, okay here’s a weird thing. My mother was also a supply manager. Earl: I’m actually the office manager. Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! And! Get this, okay? Your-your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl, P-Earl. Earl: Well, was there anything else?! Phoebe: Sure! (Thinks.) Umm, where are you from? Earl: Philadelphia. Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! Oh, I’ve got-I’ve got goose bumps. (She holds out her arm.) Earl: (inspecting it) Really? Phoebe: Well, y’know I’m wearing layers and it’s warm. Earl: Yeah-yeah. Phoebe: But if—no look, okay. These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! And that says a lot! Earl: (To All) Did you hear that?! I don’t need you guys to care about me! Because the universe cares! The whole universe! (Laughs as everyone ignores him.) (To Phoebe) I really wished they’d care just a little bit though. Phoebe: Y’know, I don’t-I don’t think it’s you. This is a freaky place. (To All) Hey! Guys! (Everyone looks up.) (To Earl) Oh no, it’s you. Earl: Yeah. [Scene: The Geller’s Garage, Monica is picking through her ruined childhood heirlooms with Ross.] Monica: Oh, this terrible! Everything is destroyed! Look at this. (She picks up some kind of furry thing.) It obviously meant enough for me to save it, and I don’t even know what it is! Ohh, it’s still soft. (She rubs it against her cheek.) What do you think this is? Ross: All right. I think it was a mouse. (Monica screams, throws the mouse down, and rubs her hands on Ross’s sweater to clean them.) Mr. Geller: (entering) How are you honey? Monica: How do you think I am?! You’ve wrecked all my childhood memories. You love Ross more than me. And I just rubbed a d*ad mouse on my face! (Ross gets up to let his dad sit next to Monica.) Mr. Geller: Sweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross! Now, I’m sorry about everything that happened and I’d probably never be able to make it up to you, but here’s a start. (He hands her a small box.) Monica: (opening it) What’s this? Mr. Geller: It’s the key to my Porsche. Well, the key to your Porsche. Monica: (shocked) What?! Ross: (even more shocked) What?!!! Mr. Geller: I’ve been thinking about getting rid of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my reflection in a store window. Your mother’s right, I do look like an ass. Monica: Wait, you’re giving me your Porsche, you’re kidding me right?! Ross: Well w-w-w-w-wait, w-wait, wait, wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a Porsche?! Mr. Geller: (To Monica) Why don’t we take it for a spin? Monica: All right! Ross: Well, what about me?! I’m a medical marvel!! Ending Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in Joey’s lap on Francette, and they’re both groaning.] Joey: Oh yeah. Rachel: Ahhhh…. Joey: Ahhh…… (To Rachel) Eh? Rachel: Uh-huh. Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey! Monica: Do you guys know what happened to Chandler’s barca lounger? Rachel: Oh yeah, Joey broke it. Had to get rid of it. Monica: Are you kidding?! I get a Porsche and the barca lounger’s gone?! This is the best day ever! (Runs out.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x13 - The One Where Rosita Dies"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Story by: Vanessa McCarthy Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is knocking on Rachel’s door, whose door frame is decorated with balloons. The rest of the gng is there as well. Rachel opens the door and the gng blow on noisemakers.] Ross: Happy birthday!!! Monica: Happy birthday!!! (Rachel glares at them and goes back into her room, closing her door.) All: Rach! Come on! Rach! Monica: It’s your birthday! Tag: (entering from her room) Hey. Chandler: (To Monica) She’s not as pretty as she was when she was 29. Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you don’t use the words old or downhill or (To Joey) they still look pretty damn good. (Joey smiles and everyone glares at him.) Joey: They do! Phoebe: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast! Monica: Chocolate-chip pancakes! (There is no response from Rachel.) Ross: We’ve got presents! (She opens the door.) Rachel: Good ones? Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago. Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29? Joey: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal. Ross: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you turned thirty? [Flashback to Joey’s thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and Chandler’s apartment.] Joey: (screaming) Why God?!! Why?!! We had a deal!! Let the others grow old! Not me!! (He buries his head in Phoebe’s lap for comfort.) [Cut back to Rachel’s party, everyone is now eating breakfast, except Rachel.] Rachel: Y’know, I’m still 29 in Guam. Ross: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is? Rachel: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this? Chandler: No Rach, it’s not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn’t that much fun. [Flashback to Chandler’s thirtieth birthday party. It is also being held in Monica and his apartment. He is about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.] Joey: (screaming) And now Chandler! We’re all gettin’ so old! (Looking up) Why are you doing this to us?! (Turns away crying.) Opening Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, breakfast is finished but Rachel’s still down.] Monica: Rach, you’re in a great place in your life. Come on, you’ve got a great job! Good friends… Joey: Yeah, your roommate is a soap opera star. Rachel: Look, y’know I know my life’s going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who’ve accomplished so many other goals by the time they’re thirty. Phoebe: Yeah, but you shouldn’t compare yourself to me. [Flashback to: The Street in front of Central Perk, Ross and Joey are holding a yellow tape across the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she bounces around the corner on a hippity-hop.] All: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe! Come on! Rachel: There you go! (She crosses the line and they all cheer again.) Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That’s it!! That’s everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!! (They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and Monica look intrigued and as they all head into Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity-hop that Phoebe left behind.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Rachel: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty! Tag: Come on, let’s have some fun. Huh? (To Rachel) What do you want to do today? Rachel: Nothing. I don’t want to do anything. Monica: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something stupid, like Ross. Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Okay? I-I have a child! [Flashback to: A street, Ross is sitting in his newly purchased MGB. Which is one of the better British sports cars ever made. Of course, ‘better’ is a relative term. Which reminds me of a joke. Why don’t the British make computers? Because they couldn’t figure out how to make them leak oil. Anyway, the gng is all staring at his new purchase.] Ross: How hot do I look in this, huh?! Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there? Ross: That’s not what this is about okay? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars. Joey: Hey, what’s the horsepower on this thing? Ross: (giddy) I don’t know, but-but look how shiny! Monica: I can’t believe you bought this. Rachel: Really! God Ross, what were you thinking? (To Phoebe, quietly) I know it’s really shallow, but a part of me wants him again. Phoebe: Oh, well get in line missy. (To Ross) So, can I have a ride stud? Ross: Hop in. (Phoebe hops in.) Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life. (He starts the car and surprisingly it fires right up and comes to a nice idle. (Both can be rarities with British sports cars with their lovely Lucas ignition systems, which tend not to work, especially in the rain.) Anyway, this being New York he is parallel parked on a street with the car in front of him only inches ahead of his bumper, likewise with the car behind him. He’s completely boxed in and can’t move more than two inches. He tries to get out several times by bumping the bumpers of both cars to no avail.) Ross: Damnit! (Shuts the car off.) Phoebe: (getting out) Okay, who’s next? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is pouring Rachel some coffee.] Rachel: Y’know what? I am going to do something today. I’m not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I’m gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something. Phoebe: Really?! ‘Cause y’know that hurts. Rachel: So what?! Y’know what? The way I see it—(Phoebe pulls out a hair from the back of her head)—Ow! Son of a bitch!! Tag: Look Rachel, I know what you’re going through. I’m totally freaked about turning 25. Rachel: (glares at him) Get out, get out of my apartment. Monica: All right Rach, for what it’s worth, I think that you’re doing great. I mean y’know let’s face it, no one handles this well. Phoebe: Least of all you. Tag: Why? What you’d do? Monica: Weren’t you asked to leave sonny? [Flashback to Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.] Chandler: (To Joey) Would you put that back on?! Monica’s gonna be here any minute! Joey: But it hurt’s my Joey’s Apple. Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time. It’s not named for each individual man. (Joey walks away and Mr. and Mrs. Geller walk up. Mr. Geller is wearing this ancient velvet tuxedo.) Mrs. Geller: (To Chandler) You’ve done a wonderful job with this party Chandler. Everything looks so lovely. Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can’t believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I can’t believe that you would have a tux that’s thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Geller’s shoulder.) Mr. Geller: It’s older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo. Chandler: Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.) Rachel: (entering) Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She’s coming! Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.) Mr. Geller: Crap. (We hear some fumbling at the door, then silence.) Chandler: (getting up to investigate) Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what’s going on. (He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachel’s door.) Monica: Heyyy!! You got the door open!! (Giggles.) Chandler: Hey-hey are you drunk? Monica: Nooo! (Giggles) Okay. (She tries to pull herself up by Rachel and Joey’s doorknob, but the door opens and she almost falls into the their apartment. She manages to catch herself.) Whoa! (Stands up, unsteadily) Okay. See I was, I was a little nervous about turning (whispering) thirty. (Giggles.) So the bus boys took me out for some drinks. (Pause) I wanna puke on you later! Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents! Monica: Noo!!! Chandler: Yes! Monica: Noo!! Chandler: Yes!! Monica: Oh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! (Pause) That they know of. Chandler: Okay, here’s the thing. We’re gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you’re drunk. Monica: Really?! You promise? Chandler: Yeah, I’ll take care of it. Monica: Okay. I love you so much. (Kisses him.) Chandler: (laughing) Okay we have to do something about your breath. Monica: What about your breath?! (Breathes on him.) Chandler: That’s still yours. Okay, now remember it’s a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised. Monica: Okay. I can do that. Chandler: Okay. (Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.) All: Surprise!!! (Monica screams and they all stare at her.) Commercial Break [Scene: Ross’s birthday, Joey is now trying to get his car out while Ross is directing him.] Ross: Okay, forward. Forward—Stop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Okay, back—Stop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay, forward—Stop! Stop! Stop! Monica: Ross, just forget about it. This guy’s got you totally wedged in. (A beautiful woman approaches.) Woman: (To Joey) Is this yours? Joey: Well actually… Ross: No-no-no! It’s mine! It’s-it’s mine. (The woman walks away.) Joey: Dude, you soooo need this car. Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Okay, I’m gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.) (The rest of the gng runs away, except for Ross who’s tramped inside his car. To hide he puts the top up as Monica, Rachel, and Joey come running past.) [Scene: Phoebe’s birthday, she’s taking the hippity-hop to Ursula’s apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.] Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity-hop.) It’s for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth! Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that? Phoebe: Because it’s our thirtieth birthday. Ursula: Yeah, no we’re not thirty. We’re 31. Okay. (She closes the door.) Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.) Ursula: Oh, it’s you. Phoebe: Yeah. What?! Ursula: Yeah, we’re not thirty, we’re 31. Phoebe: Nu-uh! Ursula: Yea-huh! That’s what is says on my birth certificate. Phoebe: You have your birth certificate? Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died. Phoebe: Our mom. Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.) Phoebe: Do you have my birth certificate? Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway. Phoebe: (reading the certificate) Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31. Ursula: Yeah. Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life. Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay. Phoebe: Your middle name is Pamela? Ursula: Yes. Phoebe: Well, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is? Ursula: Yes! Phoebe. Phoebe: That’s my first name. Ursula: Right, okay, then no. [Scene: Monica’s birthday, it’s just after the surprise.] Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress. Monica: Yay! Chandler: See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller who’s sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller who’s standing next to him.) Mr. Geller: Happy birthday, sweetie! Give us a hug! (Starts to get up.) Mrs. Geller: (stopping him) Don’t get up Jack! The safety pins are about to blow. (They continue their trek.) Monica: (sees someone) Paul! Chandler: (correcting her) Phil. Monica: Phil! Chandler: Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. (Monica stumbles on the steps.) Okay, (catches her) you’re doing great. You’re doing great. You’re doing fine. (Phoebe approaches as they almost get to their room.) Phoebe: Hey, what’s going on? Chandler: Monica’s a little drunk. Phoebe: Yay! I love drunk Monica! Monica: Awwwww… (Giggles.) Chandler: (To Monica) Go change! (To Phoebe) She doesn’t want her parents to know she’s drunk. Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Here’s what we’ll do, I’ll get twice as drunk as Monica and then no one will even notice her. (Chandler walks over to where the rest of the gng is.) Rachel: What’s-what’s going on? Phil’s really pissed! Chandler: Monica’s wasted. Ross: Maybe that will liven up this party. Chandler: (To Rachel) Okay, will you just go help her change please! Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey. Joey: Yep. (Starts for Monica’s room, but Chandler stops him.) [Scene: Rachel’s birthday, everyone is presenting their presents to Rachel.] Tag: (handing his to her) This one’s from me. Rachel: Ahh! Tag: It wasn’t on your list, but hopefully you’ll think it’s really fun. Rachel: (opening it) A scooter! (She’s not happy.) Ross: (to Tag) Stick to the list. Always stick to the list. Rachel: No! No-no, I love it. Thank you. (Kisses him.) Chandler: Okay, open ours next. Open ours next! Rachel: Okay. Joey: Now that you’re a couple, we don’t get two presents from you guys? Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read the card! Read the card! Rachel: Okay. (Opens the card and reads it.) Happy birthday Grandma! It’s better to be over the hill (starting to cry) then buried under it. (Breaks down as everyone glares at them.) All our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) That’s funny, yeah! Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke! Rachel: (crying) No, I know! I get it! It’s funny! Chandler: No, because you’re not a grandmother! Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don’t have any of those things. That’s why it’s so funny. (Runs into her room crying.) Monica: All you had to do was buy the card! [Scene: Rachel’s birthday, a time lapse has occurred. Rachel is coming back into the living room carrying a notepad.] Ross: Hey! Look who’s back! It’s the birthday girl! How’s the birthday girl feeling? Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think you’re bumming out the rest of the kids. Ross: What? (Glances over and sees the faces of the rest of the group, then goes and sits down.) Rachel: Okay! Y’know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids… Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother. Rachel: As I was saying… I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I’m 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan! Phoebe: If you could do that, I’d marry the hippity-hop. Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when I’m 35, I don’t have to get pregnant until I’m 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant… Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, it’s happening! Rachel: No, so I don’t have to get married until I’m 33! That’s three years, that’s three whole years—Oh, wait a minute though. I’ll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I’d like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged… Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I’m thirty. Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned—(Removes two candles from the cake)—twenty-eight! Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry! (We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.) Joey: Will you quit hoggin’ it! Commercial Break [Scene: Monica’s birthday, Monica is now dressed and is being helped out by Chandler and Rachel.] Rachel: (To Chandler) I’m telling you it’s like watching Bambi learn how to walk. Ross: (To Monica) You’re drunk! Mom and dad are gonna be maaaaadd! Maybe I’m a little drunk. (Monica sits down on the barcalounger.) Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh that’s great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go. Joey: (to the waiter) Hey! Are those crab cakes? (The waiter nods) Did I not tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready? Chandler: (To Monica) How are you feeling? Monica: You are so handsome! I wanna make love to you right here, right now! (Growls and pulls him into a kiss.) Ross: I really wish that you wouldn’t. Chandler: (To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don’t talk to anyone. Phoebe: (clinking two glasses together) Speech! Speech! Let’s hear from the birthday girl! Huh? Chandler: Pheebs!! Phoebe: Don’t you see? Everyone’s looking at me! The plan’s working! I didn’t even have to take off my top yet! Mrs. Geller: Speech! Come on Monica! Ross: Come on! All: Come on! Speech! (Monica stands up and wobbles slightly and Chandler runs over to catch her.) Mr. Geller: (filming this) Hey Chandler, you can’t keep your hands off her for one second! Mrs. Geller: Oh-ho, I think it’s nice. Chandler: I think it’s necessary. (Backs away anyhow.) Monica: I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends… Phoebe: (screaming) Wooo!! Hoo!! Monica: I really like to say that I’m-um… (Pause) Y’know what I’d really like to say? I’m drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.) That’s right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera out of his dad’s hands.) And guess what! I’ve been drunk before! And I’ve smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! It’s all okay. It’s okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming the fall.) Phoebe: (To Joey) Okay quick, help me get this off! (Motions to her top.) Joey: Yeah!! (Ross pans the camera over to Phoebe.) [Scene: Phoebe’s birthday, she’s telling everyone what she found out at Ursula’s while sitting in Central Perk.] Phoebe: I lost a whole year! I can’t believe it! This is so unfair! Joey: Oh, I don’t know Pheebs. It’ll be okay. Phoebe: Will it? Will it?! I mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31? Joey: That’s not gonna happen. No. (Looks up) Because we have a new deal! Phoebe: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! I…I haven’t done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31! Joey: Like what? Phoebe: Like okay I-I-I, I haven’t met any Portuguese people! I, I haven’t had the perfect kiss! And I haven’t been to snper’s school! Monica: Phoebe, y’know why don’t we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake? Phoebe: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I’ll see you guys later. Thanks. (Gets up and exits.) Rachel: Hey. (After she leaves.) Oh, poor Pheebs. Joey: Hey, y’know what you guys? I think I’m gonna go walk her home. (Gets up and runs out.) Monica: Oh man! Chandler: What? Monica: He’s gonna eat the cake! [Cut outside, Joey is catching up with Phoebe.] Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! (She stops.) Listen uh, close your eyes. (She does so and Joey passionately kisses her.) Maybe that’s one thing you can cross off your list. Phoebe: Oh yeah. (Joey starts to walk away, but stops.) Joey: Oh, and plus I’m 1/16th Portuguese. Phoebe: Oh! (Phoebe walks away smiling.) [Scene: Ross’s birthday, his car is still trapped in its spot. Now Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are at the front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and Chandler at the rear of the car.] Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? We’re gonna pick it up…and move it. Now all we need is teamwork, okay? We’re gonna lift the car…and slide it out. Lift and slide! Rachel: Ross, I really don’t think… Ross: (interrupting her) Lift!! And slide! Chandler: Okay, here we go. Ross: All right everyone, lift! (They try to lift the car, of course it doesn’t raise up) And slide!! (Everyone leans over, but the car still does not move.) [Scene: Rachel’s birthday, she is coming into the hallway where Joey and Tag are playing with the scooter.] Rachel: Hey Joey, can I… Joey: Oh, come on Rach! My turn just started! Rachel: Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag. Joey: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside? Rachel: Whatever! Okay, I’m not your mother. Joey: Okay! (Runs off downstairs.) Rachel: Not in the street!! Joey: Yes! Rachel: (to Tag) Hi. Tag: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Tag: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better? Rachel: Yeah, I’m doing okay. I’m um…let’s talk. Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.) Rachel: Umm… Tag: What’s up? Rachel: Ohh Tag, umm…you’re such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I don’t-I don’t… Tag: Wait! I think I see where you’re going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing? (Kisses her.) Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think I’m past the point where I think I can y’know, just have fun. Tag: Rachel, don’t do this. This is just because you’re turning thirty. Rachel: Yeah, it is! But you’re just a kid! I mean you’re 25! Tag: Twenty-four actually. Rachel: Oh God! Y’know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I’m wishin’ for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger. Tag: Me too. Rachel: Yeah, I’m sorry. (They hug.) [Time lapse, Rachel is entering her apartment after breaking up with Tag.] Chandler: Hey! How’d it go? Rachel: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year? Phoebe: You did the right thing. Joey: (entering, limping, and holding his arm) I don’t like this anymore. (He sits down with them in pain.) Chandler: Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds. Ross: God, do you realize in ten years we’re gonna be 40? Joey: (crying) Why God?! Why are you doing this to us?! (He buries his head in Ross’s shoulder.) [Scene: Ross’s birthday, night has fallen and Joey and Ross are walking by where his car is parked to find that both cars blocking him in have left.] Ross: Yes! My baby’s finally free! Joey: All-all right! (They run and jump in the car.) Start it up! Let’s go! Ross: (starting it) Woohoo! (Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross and stops next to him.) The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we? (He drives off.) Ross: You wanna buy a car? Joey: No. (Ross shuts it off and they get out.) Ending Credits {Transcriber’s Note: There was no credits scene with this episode.} End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x14 - The One Where They All Turn Thirty"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table.] Monica: I’m glad you’re here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony. Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh… Ross: What’s the matter? You okay? Rachel: Yeah, it’s just y’know… Chandler: (To Ross) Monica said wedding. Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony. Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem. Chandler: Do you think you could get through a poem? Rachel: (crying) It’ll be a short one. Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading. Rachel: Ohhh… Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too. Chandler: Too? Ross: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys. Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is? Ross: Sorry, I’m kinda keeping this one on the Q.T. Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.) Joey: (entering, excited) Hey! All: Hey! Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and… Monica: What is DOOL? Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you’re not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!! All: Oh!! Chandler: That’s great! Joey: And-and-and not only that, I’m gettin’ a new brain!! Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life! Rachel: Wait, what do you mean you’re getting a new brain? Joey: Oh well, they’re klling off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body. Ross: What? A brain transplant?! Joey: (seriously) Yes, it’s a highly controversial procedure. Ross: It’s ridiculous! Joey: Well, I think it’s ridiculous that you haven’t had sex in three and a half months. Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) It’s winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.) Monica: Who are they klling off? Joey: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart. Rachel and Monica: Noo!! Monica: She’s my favorite character on DOOL. Joey: Nice. Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people’s faces, I mean I don’t think I’ve ever seen her finish a beverage. Monica: And the way she slaps all the time! Rachel: Oh! Monica: Wouldn’t you love to do it just once?! (Raises her hand towards Chandler.) Chandler: Don’t do it. Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress. Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And she’s been on the show forever, it’s gonna be really hard to fill her shoes. Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her? Joey: Yes, but in Drake Ramoray’s body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist! Opening Credits [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in Central Perk] Phoebe: (Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay? Rachel: (They both look behind them.) Well, I'd have to say gay. Phoebe: Yeah? Why? Rachel: Well mainly because he's kissing that other guy. Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a table behind them.) Rachel: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight. Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.) Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.) Phoebe: Ohh, he left his cell phone. Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to gn and he'll put it in lost and found. Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing. Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fall in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age. Phoebe: Yeah… That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. (They both get up.) Rachel: What? Wait! Why…why do you get the story? Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long. Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago. Phoebe: That wasn’t a date! That was, that was just friends getting together…(quietly) having sex. Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone. Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago. Rachel: Yeah! (Breaking up) And until now, I didn’t think I’d love again. Phoebe: Nice try. Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone? Phoebe: I don’t know. (They edge closer to the phone on the table.) Rachel: Well umm, maybe we could uhh… (Grabs the phone) Ah-ha! Too slow!! (She holds the phone out and starts taunting Phoebe. Phoebe calming knocks the phone out of Rachel’s hand and catches it.) Phoebe: Ah-ha! Too cocky! [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is watching Jessica Lockhart perform a scene.] Dina: I’m going to keep dating him Mother, and there’s nothing you can do about it! Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is! Dina: What are you going to do? kll him? Like you did with Charles?! Jessica Lockhart: (gasps) That was an accident! And so were you. Dina: Well, at least I’m not a mrder! (Jessica slaps her.) Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dina’s head to her other shoulder so that she’s the only one in the picture.) The Director: Cut! (Joey walks up to Cecilia Monroe who plays Jessica.) Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that? Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience. Dina: (crying) Can I get some ice here?! Joey: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are. Cecilia: You’re not the fan who’s dying are you? Joey: Say what? Cecilia: I’m supposed to meet and hug a fan who's dying, but that’s not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later! Joey: No. No, I’m Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-I’m the guy in the coma! Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?! Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since I’m getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me… Cecilia: I-I-I’m leaving the show? Joey: (quickly) I don’t know. Why? Did you hear something? Cecilia: Who told you that? Joey: Oh uh, one of the writers. Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall? Joey: Umm… Cecilia: Y’know what? It doesn’t matter! Because it is not true! Joey: Okay. Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that I’ve been playing for 20 years—I’ll give you a tip! (She throws her drink in his face.) Joey: Ms. Monroe… (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still arguing over the phone.] Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; that’s not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why don’t we, why don’t we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone. Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone. Rachel: I don’t think so. Phoebe: (handing Rachel the phone) Fine all right, but I’d bet you’d be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet. Rachel: (checking the speed dial) All right, first name on the speed dial is mom. Phoebe: Ohh, I lost my mom to su1c1de. Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin. Phoebe: Did I use that already today? I’m sorry. Rachel: Yes okay. (Checking the speed dial again.) Well now see this isn’t telling us anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hat’s a steak house! Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, that’s one for you. Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! He’s got Barney’s on his speed dial. Phoebe: So you don’t know that’s Barney’s the store! That can be y’know his friend’s house, or a bar. Who has Barney’s the store on their speed dial? Rachel: (showing Phoebe her phone) His new girlfriend! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch, when they start to hear a horrible screeching noise. It sounds like someone is skinning a cat.] Monica: What is that? Chandler: I think it’s the dying cat parade. Monica: It sounds like it’s coming from across the street. Chandler: (turning around and looking) Oh my God! Monica: What? Chandler: Y’know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You’re half Scottish right?" Monica: Nooo!! Chandler: Yes!! [Cut to Ross’s apartment, he is playing the Bagpipes, badly. He’s worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.] Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier. They both get up and move to the window.] Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! (She looks through the window and sees Ross practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.) Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?! Chandler: Why is your family Ross?! Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! It’s not even a song! Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the gng. [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is putting out some Sunflower seeds as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi Pheebs! Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: How are ya? Phoebe: Good. Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guy’s cell phone? Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up? Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?! Phoebe: Ooh, now you lost me. Rachel: You stole the phone! Phoebe: No I didn’t! Rachel: No? So you’re saying that if I called it, it wouldn’t ring? Phoebe: No. Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebe’s bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebe’s handbag.) Rachel: Phoebe! Phoebe: That is a different phone. Rachel: Oh is it?! (She answers the cute guy’s phone.) Uhh, hello? (On her phone) Yes hi, is Rachel there? (On the other phone) Yes she is, just one moment please. (To Phoebe, holding out both phones.) It’s for me! Phoebe: That is damning evidence. (The cute guy’s phone rings.) Rachel: Oh my God! I bet that’s him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh (In a sexy voice) Hello? Or should I be (Happily) Hi! It’s Rach… (Phoebe knocks the phone out of Rachel’s hand, catches it, and answers it.) Would you stop doing that?! Phoebe: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yes, I’m the one who found your phone. Rachel: Phoebe! You can’t do th… Phoebe: (To Rachel) Shhh! I’m on a call! (On phone) Umm well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. It’s umm, it’s umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe y’know after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. (Listens) Okay, well okay I’ll see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.) Rachel: You do know that I will be here when he comes over. Phoebe: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over? Rachel: You just said it! Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping that I would just…be alone y’know to think about my mom and her su1c1de. Rachel: Oh Phoebe! Phoebe: What?! That’s the first time today! Rachel: Ohh! (Exits.) [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Dina is at the craft services table getting some food as Joey walks up.] Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself I’m partial to… Dina: (interrupting) I’m 16. Joey: See you in 2003. (She walks away.) Cecilia: (walking up) You’re absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They don’t know exactly when it’s going to happen, but apparently it's going to be very soon and that’s it. Joey: I’m so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show. Cecilia: Yeah, thanks. Joey: No I mean it! I can’t believe they would do this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much! Cecilia: Oh you’re right. Thank you! What’s your name again? Joey: Joey. Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. (She throws her drink on a passing writer.) The Writer: It wasn’t my decision! Cecilia: (to him) I’m having a conversation here! (To Joey) You were saying? Joey: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye—l-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you before was because well, I’m really nervous about-about being you. Y’know if you can help me capture the essence of the character. Y’know? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please? Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica. Joey: Oh that’s great! Oh thank you so much! Cecilia: You’re so welcome. Joey: Hey! Now, I’ve been watching some tapes, how’s this? (In a British accent.) "Jessica Lockhart will never set foot in this place again! Ever!!" Cecilia: Is that supposed to be me? Joey: Yeah. Cecilia: Yeah but Jessica doesn’t have an English accent. Joey: (shocked) I can do an English accent?! That baby’s going on my résumé! [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the armchair.] Chandler: Well, I feel like a snack! Monica: Do you want some shortbread? Eh that’s Scottish like you are. Chandler: Oh no thanks. I don’t like anything from my Scottish heritage. Ross: What?! Chandler: Well it’s just my entire family was run out of Scotland by…Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories. (Makes a few unintelligible noises.) Ross: Oh well, it sounds to me like your family is ready to uh, rediscover its Scottish roots. Monica: No! No-no they’re not. They’re still very angry! But y’know Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous for? Sitting down and being quiet. Ross: Well yeah-yeah the Scottish history is so much more… Monica: (interrupting) You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!! Ross: How did you know about that?! Chandler: We heard you play all the way from your apartment! Ross: Were you the ones called the cops?! Chandler: That’s not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just don’t feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding. Ross: Why not? Chandler: Because we hate them. Ross: Come on that’s not fair! I mean you haven’t even heard me play! Chandler: We have heard you play. Ross: No, you’ve heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And I’m not going to tell you what song I’m gonna play either. But uh, let’s just say when it’s over I’ll bet there will be a wee bit o’ celebration. [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is getting pointers on how to play Jessica Lockhart.] Cecilia: So, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. (Joey is nodding.) You try. Joey: Okay! (He scurries out the set door and re-enters, extremely impressed) All right! Cecilia: No, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! He’s not finding it out for the first time! So, try it again. Joey: Okay. Okay. (He goes out and comes back in, glaring at everything.) Cecilia: Right. He’s not angry at the room either. Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!! (Joey gets a snooty look on his face.) All right, it’s a little weird, but it’s getting better. (Joey is pleased.) Oh well, I’m gonna miss this woman so much. I don’t know what I’m going to do! I mean, it’s been 20 years of my life. Joey: Oh well—Hey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. Y’know? It’ll-it’ll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. You’re so talented. Cecilia: I am. I am, but I don’t know, you know. An actor of a certain age is not that easy. Joey: Hey that’s not true! Look at uh, look at Angela Lansb—Angelina Jolie! Cecilia: I probably should’ve just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but y’know I just got so comfy here! And… Ohh, I turned down some amazing work! Joey: Like-like what? Cecilia: Well, let’s just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today! Joey: (impressed) Wow! Cecilia: But… Well now, now’s a different time for me. (Starts to cry.) Joey: Oh hey come on, don’t-don’t-don’t do this! Umm, look let-let me tell you something, okay? Now when I watch you do a scene, I’m thinking, "Boy, she-she is a great actress!" (She’s not buying it.) Uh but-but, I am also thinking, "She is hot!" Cecilia: (intrigued) You think I’m hot? Joey: You own the room. (She smiles and stares longingly into his eyes.) We should probably get-get uh… Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the… (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the man’s face. (She does so.) Joey: Yeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that ‘cause she’s so passionate? Cecilia: No! It’s because that way the camera only sees her! (She takes her hands off his face.) Do you wanna try it? Joey: Yeah! Okay. (He puts his hands on her face and they kiss.) Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I-I think your hands may be a little off, they should be maybe right like… (She grabs the back of his neck and kisses him passionately causing them to fall onto the couch.) Commercial Break [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for the cute guy to show up for his cell phone. Rachel is putting on perfume by spraying it ahead of her face, and moving into it. Phoebe tries to steal some.] Rachel: Hey! Hey! (There is a knock on the door.) Phoebe and Rachel: (simultaneously) Who is it? Guy: Hi! It’s Tom, I’m here to pick up the phone. (Rachel excitedly jumps up and heads for the door.) Phoebe: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door? Rachel: Well why shouldn’t I?! Phoebe: Because it’s my apartment! Rachel: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone. Phoebe: Okay. All right. (Hands her the phone.) Good luck explaining all the calls to China. (Phoebe opens the door and Tom, an older gentleman with white hair, enters.) Tom: Hi! Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wow! How long were we arguing for? Rachel: (laughs) You’re not the man who left the cell phone. Tom: No that’s my assistant. Rachel: Is-is he coming? (Looks hopefully out the door.) Tom: Umm, no. Phoebe: Could you-could you umm, give us one second? Tom: Sure! Rachel: We’ll be right back sir. Tom: Sure. (They walk into the living room.) Phoebe: Wh-what do we do? Rachel: I don’t know! Phoebe: Can you believe this? (Rachel exhales in amazement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up! Rachel: I know! (Realizes what Phoebe said.) What?! Phoebe: Hmm, they just don’t make ‘em like that anymore! Rachel: (turning and looking at Tom again) No-no they do but, you just have to wait. Phoebe: Rachel, listen—I mean, if you let me have him then I will really owe you one. Rachel: (fake disappointment) All right. All right Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me; you owe me big! Phoebe: Yeah! You’re such a great friend! Rachel: Ohh… Tom: So, which one of you lovely ladies am I going to take to dinner huh? Phoebe: Oh that’d be me. Sir. (Hands him the cell phone.) After you. Tom: Okay. Okay. (Exits and Phoebe checks him out.) Phoebe: (whispering) Nice! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Cecilia is entering the living room from Joey’s room followed by Joey.] Cecilia: Well, you certainly own that room. Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you. (She laughs as Rachel enters.) Rachel: Hi. Joey: Hey! (Rachel stops dad in her tracks when she sees whom Joey is with.) Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Ohh, Jessica Lockhart!! In my apartment!! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan! Cecilia: Well, it’s nice to know that you… Rachel: (screaming) MONICA!!!! MONICA!!!! (Runs to Monica’s.) Joey: That uh, that is my roommate Rachel. Cecilia: Oh that explains all the women’s underwear. Joey: (shrugs) Sure. Yep. Monica: (entering with Rachel) Oh my God! It’s true!! Oh my God you are so amazing! Oh my God, can I just ask you to do me oh, just one favor? Cecilia: Certainly. Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! (Points to her cheek.) Cecilia: I’d love to, but my lawyer said I can’t do that anymore. Rachel: God. You seem really, really nice. Joey: Okay, bye-bye. Rachel: I mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people. Joey: All right, here we go. (He grabs them and starts to pull them out of the apartment.) Rachel: Okay. Monica: (breaks away) Oh wait, just one more thing! One more minute! (To Cecilia) Umm, you’re a stupid bitch. Cecilia: I really can’t slap you. (Monica walks away angrily) Rachel: You are so beautiful. Monica: Nice to meet you! My God you’re great! Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See ya! (Throws them out and closes the door.) (To Cecilia) I-I am so sorry. I… Cecilia: Oh no-no-no-no, being adored. I’m used to it, don’t worry about it. Joey: (notices something in the mail that Rachel brought in) Oh my God! Cecilia: What? Joey: They sent me today’s script! They never send the script! Cecilia: They don’t? Joey: Well no, I’m just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! (Realizes what that means.) Oh… Cecilia: How does it happen? Joey: (flipping to the last page) Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence. Cecilia: Ah what?! Jessica hates horses! Joey: Yeah well, I’m guessing after this she’s not going to be crazy about electricity either. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the gng on the bag pipe.] Ross: …now remember you have to imagine me in a kilt. Rachel: (giggles) (To Ross) I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee socks. Ross: (To Rachel) Do you wanna start telling secrets? Rachel: No! Ross: (stands up) Now umm, remember I’m still learning. (As he prepares to start, he makes several horrible noises that scares Rachel into retreat.) Ross: One, two, three, four! (He starts. And well, Celebration was never meant to be played on the bagpipe, so even the best bag pipe players in the world would have trouble with that particular song. So of course, for a beginner like Ross, it sounds absolutely dreadful. The assembled audience minus Phoebe, are horrified. Phoebe, immune to bad music, seems to enjoy it.) Ross: You know the song! Sing along! (Ross resumes playing, this time accompanied by Phoebe screeching out E’s in tune with Ross. While Phoebe is singing along, Rachel is having a very difficult time keeping a straight face. Thankfully, Ross gives up after a little while.) Ross: So? Monica and Chandler: No! (Ross throws the bagpipes down in disgust.) [Scene: Silvercup Studios, a scene is being sht where Dina and Fredrick are celebrating Jessica’s horrible accident by drinking champagne.] Dina: Loosening the saddle on mother’s horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired. Fredrick: Thank you sweetheart. (They clink glasses.) Dina: I can’t believe she’s really gone. Look around you, all of this is ours. (They move into a kiss but; they’re stopped by Joey entering with a huge bandage wrapped around his head.) Joey: (as Jessica) I don’t think so. Dina: Who are you?! Jessica Lockhart: What’s the matter Dina? Don’t you recognize your own (Does a hair flip) mother?! The Director: Cut! That was great everybody! Thank you! Cecilia: (running out to Joey) That was so wonderful! (Hugs him) Ohh, I think that you’re a better Jessica than I ever was! Joey: Oh noo… Cecilia: Well of course not, but you were very good. Joey: Thanks! Cecilia: And guess what? Good news! I got another job! Joey: Great! Hey! Alright! Well-well what is it?! Cecilia: A film in Guadalajara! Joey: The airport? Cecilia: No that’s La Guardia. (Joey nods in recognition.) This is Mexico. Joey: Ohh. Wow! Well how-how, how will you be gone? Cecilia: Eight months. Joey: That’s a really long time. Cecilia: Yeah, but you can come and visit me. I bet that you could uh, own a few places down there. Joey: Well I tell ya, I should probably buy a place in the city first. (Realizes.) And I just got what you meant again—That is—I tell ya, that is a tricky one! Cecilia: That is a tricky one. Well, Joey I really wanna thank you. You’ve, well you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful. Joey: Good luck. Cecilia: You too. (They kiss and both put their hands on the other’s face like Jessica would do.) Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the gng on the bag pipe. Yes, I typed that earlier. We’re seeing this again, only this time Ross as already started playing.] Ross: You know the song! Sing along! Phoebe: Eeee!!! Eee!! Eee!! (Monica (Courtney Cox) and Chandler (Matthew Perry) are laughing. That then causes Lisa and Jennifer to come out of character and start laughing hysterically. And that finally causes David Schwimmer to come out of character and start laughing as well. Matthew decides to sing along now as well.) Matthew Perry: Eee!! (This causes more laughter.) Lisa Kudrow: Do it again! (Matthew mimics the sound again.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x15 - The One With Joey\u2019s New Brain"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Zachary Rosenblatt Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her nails as Ross and Ben enter.] Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi! Hi Ben! Ben: Hi. Ross: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency. Rachel: Oh, yeah go ahead. (Ben starts to go, but Ross stops him.) Ross: Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joey’s special romance magazines in there? Rachel: No. No. Ross: (to Ben) Okay! All clear! Ben: (running to the bathroom) Thanks Phoebe! Rachel: Ben, it's Rachel! (He closes the door.) But whatever. Ross: (to Ben) Everything okay in there? Ben: Don’t talk to me now! Rachel: Awww, just like his daddy. Ross: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean’s office just called and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour? Rachel: What-what about Monica? Ross: Oh, she isn’t home. Rachel: (nervous) So it would just be me alone? Ross: Well, Ben would be there. Rachel: Huh umm… Ross: What’s the matter? Rachel: Well that—y’know it’s just uh, I’ve never done that before. Me and him alone. Ross: Rach, he’s not an ex-con. Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what do I do with him? Ross: I don’t know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay. (Ben enters) Ben? Come here. All right, I’m gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay? Rachel: Yeah I think so. Ross: (To Rachel) I wasn’t talking to you. Ben: I’ll be okay. Ross: Okay, I’ll see you soon buddy. (He hugs and kisses him.) Be back in an hour. Ben: Bye dad. Rachel: Bye. (Ross exits.) Ahhh… (Silence) So this is fun, huh? Ben: Not really. Rachel: Okay. Uh, want something-want something to drink? Ben: Okay. Rachel: Uh great! How do you feel about Diet Coke? Ben: I’m not allowed to have soda. Rachel: Okay. Well that’s pretty much all that we have—Oh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita? (Holds up a bottle of margarita mix.) Ben: What’s a virgin? Rachel: Water it is. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are talking. Joey and Phoebe are getting coffee.] Monica: What about the second minister we met with? I kinda liked him. Chandler: You mean the spitter? Monica: Come on! It wasn’t that bad! Chandler: Easy for you to say; you’ll be wearing a veil. Monica: All right, what about the third guy? Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest? Monica: Can you blame him? Chandler: Sorry, I just don’t like the idea of when I say "I do," he’s thinking, "Yeah, I’d do her too!" Monica: Well then we still have a problem. Chandler: Yeah! Phoebe: (returning with Joey) With what? Monica: Well, we’re trying to find someone to perform our wedding and they’re all either boring or annoying or y’know, can’t stop staring at the ladies. (Points to her chest.) (Joey nods his approval.) Phoebe: Oo! You should have one of us do it! Monica: Phoebe, we’re getting married, married; not sixth grade married. Phoebe: No! No! It’s-it’s uh a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff! Monica: Are you serious? Phoebe: Yes! A friend of mine did it and it’s totally legal! Joey: I call it!! Phoebe: What?! No! It was my idea! Chandler: Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us. Joey: Does calling it not mean anything anymore?! Chandler: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are sitting on the couch bored out of their minds.] Rachel: Ben y’know when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang out all the time. ‘Cause I was, I was your daddy’s girlfriend. Ben: But you’re not anymore! Rachel: No, I’m not. Ben: ‘Cause you guys were on a break. Rachel: Hey! We were not on a—Okay. That’s fine! Fine. Y’know what Ben? One day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay? Ben: When’s my daddy coming back? Rachel: (checks her watch) Fifty-two minutes. (Pause) So no-no brothers and sisters, huh? That must be nice. You don’t have to share stuff. Ben: Sharing is good. Rachel: Oh, you’re one of those. But y’know what? I have two sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other. Ben: Really? Like how? Rachel: Well y’know, we would umm, repeat everything the other said, or uh, we’d jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so they’d put salt on their cereal. Ben: (laughs) That’s a good one. Rachel: Yeah? You like that one? Ben: Yeah, you’re funny. Rachel: I’m funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, I’ve got a ton of these! Umm, oh here—Do you want a good one? Here’s a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you say to person, I bet you can’t roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they’re left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face. Ben: Can I do it to you? Rachel: Yeah, I-I-I-I’m funny Ben, but I’m not stupid. Okay? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch as Joey enters.] Joey: So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet? Chandler: No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together. Monica: We’re never gonna find anybody. Joey: Well then let me do it! Chandler: Joe… Joey: No-no-no! Look, I’ve been thinking about it. I’m an actor right? So I won’t get nervous talking in front of people. Monica: Joey look it’s really sweet… Joey: No-no-no-no look no! I won’t spit, and I won’t stare at Monica’s breasts! Y’know? Everyone knows I’m an ass man! Monica: That is true. Joey: Yeah and the most important thing is that it won’t be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. It’ll be me! And I swear I’ll do a really good job. Plus, y’know I love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to me. Chandler: (To Monica) Y’know, we haven’t found anybody else. Monica: It might be kinda cool. Joey: So I can do it? Chandler: Yeah you can do it. Joey: All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Okay. (Phoebe enters slowly.) Monica: Hey Pheebs, how’s it going? Phoebe: Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache! Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I get you something? Phoebe: Oh my God, you’ve got to stop chattering! Monica: Here, take a couple of these. (She gets up to grab a couple of pills.) Phoebe: What is it? Monica: It’s Hexadrin. Phoebe: Oh no, I don’t believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these points right here. (She’s pinching the bit of skin between her right thumb and forefinger with her left hand.) Then your hand starts to hurt and you still have a headache, so thanks. (Takes the pills.) Monica: Okay, while we’re waiting for these pills to kick in, I’m gonna sit you down on the couch. Come on. (Phoebe gets up and goes with her.) Get some nice soft pillows under your head, I’m gonna turn the TV on and you can watch whatever you want. And I’m—Sit down—(She sits down on the couch)—gonna make you some tea. And then, I’m gonna rub your feet. Phoebe: Oh. Joey: Oh! My head! Oh! (He’s sitting on the chair, lies back, and puts his feet up for Monica to rub.) Oh! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and there is knock on the door which she answers.] Rachel: Coming. (She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil mark from his forehead to his chin.) Ross: I have a bone to pick with you. Rachel: Uh-oh. Ross: Yes! Ben learned a little trick. Rachel: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old… (She is waving her hand up and down her face. She’s thinking about the pencil mark.) Ross: That’s right! That’s right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere! Rachel: Oh that. Ross: Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They’re mean and they’re stupid and-and I don’t want my son learning them! Rachel: Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you don’t think that’s just a little funny?! Ross: I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him right? Rachel: (looking at his mark) Yes. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are there.] Phoebe: It’s amazing! My headache is completely gone! What are those pills called? Monica: Hexadrin. (She gets the box out of her purse.) Phoebe: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! (She kisses the box.) Oh look! It comes with a story! (She pulls out the instructions and side effects paper.) Monica: No Phoebe, those are like the side effects and stuff. Phoebe: Say what? Monica: Y’know, the possible side effects. Phoebe: Oh my God! (Starts reading them.) Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness, facial swelling, nausea, headache—Headache. Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage! Now okay, I don’t recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death capsules! Oh I’m sorry, extra strength death capsules! Monica: Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens! They just put it on there for legal reasons! Phoebe: Why? Monica: In case it happens. Joey: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani! (Holds up the piece of paper bearing the proof of his ordination.) Chandler: Hey! Monica: You did it! You got ordained?! Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of p*rn out there! Chandler: Our minister… Phoebe: I have liver damage. Ow! Oh! (She grabs the left side of her torso.) Monica: Phoebe, your liver is right here. (She points to the right side of her torso.) Phoebe: Okay, then I must be disoriented. Joey: Anyway, I started working on what I’m going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it? Chandler: Okay. Monica: Yeah! Joey: Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so… (Starts to read the piece of paper he brought.) "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." (Monica and Chandler like it so far.) Eh? (He continues reading.) "It is a love based on giving and receiving. As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving." (Phoebe nods her approval.) "We too can share and love and have and receive." Chandler: (To Monica) Should we call the spitter? Commercial Break [Scene: Carol and Susan’s, there is a knock on the door and Carol opens it to reveal Rachel.] Carol: Hey Rachel! (The camera cuts to her face and we see that Ben pulled the quarter trick with her as well.) Rachel: Hi! Carol: What a nice surprise! What are you doing here? Rachel: Well y’know I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and I thought to myself, "What’s up with Carol and sweet, little Ben?" Carol: Can I ask what—Come on in. Rachel: Okay. Carol: Umm uh, I’ll make some coffee and we can uh, chat. Rachel: I’d love that. I would loooove… (Carol goes to make the coffee and she sits down.) So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little... Ben: (jumping up from behind her chair) Gotcha!! (Rachel jumps up startled.) Rachel: I found him! (To Ben) Very funny, come here! (She sits down on the coffee table and Ben walks up.) That is exactly why I’ve come here to talk to you okay? Carol: (from the kitchen) Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee? Rachel: Yes oh—(To Ben)—Do I want sugar in my coffee? (Ben nods no.) No, just some milk would be good Carol. Thanks. (To Ben) Okay, do you remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday? Ben: (mimicking her) Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday? Rachel: Don’t do that. Ben: Don’t do that. Rachel: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks. Ben: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks. Rachel: Oh damnit! Ben: Oh damnit! Rachel: No! Don’t say that! Don’t say that! Ben: Damnit! Rachel: No don’t! Go back to repeating! Ben: Damnit! Rachel: Oh crap! Ben: Oh crap! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are returning from Central Perk.] Phoebe: I feel like my face is swelling. (To Monica) Is my face swelling? Monica: Phoebe, your face is fine! Come on, none of this stuff is going to happen to you! Stop being such a baby! Phoebe: Oh, interesting you should call me that! Now that I may never have one! (Holds up the warning label.) Joey: Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready? Chandler: Yeah. O-okay. Joey: (reading) "When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving and…" And then I can’t think of a good word for right here. (He points to the stop on the paper where he left off.) Monica: How about receiving? Joey: Yes! Chandler: See Joe, not that that’s not grrreat! But, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! Y’know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us! Joey: Ooh, like the time you and I went to Atlantic City and I made you laugh so hard you threw up your whole steak?! Remember? Chandler: No, not us… (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.) Joey: I gotcha. Sorry. (To Monica) So, did you ever make him throw up a whole anything? Phoebe: Did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the eyes? Monica: It doesn’t say that! Phoebe: Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all about the side effects! Chandler: See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y’know, romantic stories. Nice stories. Joey: Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe I’ll talk about London! Y’know when you two hooked up! Only, only I won’t say hooked up. I’ll say, "Began their beautiful journey…" Monica: There you go! Joey: "…by doin’ it." Chandler: Joe? Joey: Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And then the next thing y’know you’re in the bathtub together and she’s feeding you strawberries? Chandler: Isn’t that what happened with you and the bridesmaid? Joey: Yeah!! I call that London style. Monica: No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad that night because this guy thought that I was Ross’s mom. Joey: Oh. Monica: And then Chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. And well we drank too much… Joey: Yeah baby! Chandler: And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight. Joey: Oh. Chandler: But then later that night… Joey: Yeah baby! [Cut to London, Chandler’s hotel room. He is getting ready for bed by doing push-ups. One push-up. Just as he gets under the covers, there’s a knock on the door.] Chandler: (answering the door) Hey! Monica: (standing outside) Cute PJ’s! You’re really livin’ it up here in London huh? Chandler: Well I was… I wasn't exactly expecting company after…(He looks at his watch.) 9:15. Monica: (entering) Is Joey here? Chandler: Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the bridesmaid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, you’re not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya? Monica: Wouldn’t you be? Chandler: Well, look it’s been a really emotional time y’know, and you’ve had a lot to drink. And you’ve just got to let that go okay? I mean you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight! Monica: Really? Chandler: You kidding? You’re the most beautiful woman in most rooms… (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out? Monica: Well, not anymore. Chandler: But we don’t do that. Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun. Chandler: How drunk are you? Monica: Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage. Chandler: (thinks) That’s the perfect amount! Monica: Okay! (They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.) Monica: (breaking the kiss) Y’know what’s weird? Chandler: What? Monica: This doesn’t feel weird! Chandler: I know. Monica: You’re a really good kisser. Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers? Monica: Hm-hmm! Chandler: Okay! (They do so and they take off their clothes.) Monica: Wow! You are really fast! Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you. Monica: We’re gonna see each other naked. Chandler: Yep! Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time? Chandler: Count of three? Monica: One! Chandler: Two! Monica: Two! Monica and Chandler: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.) Chandler: Well I think it’s safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined. Monica: Eh, we weren’t that close anyway! Chandler: Eh! (They start making out again, and it takes Joey trying to enter to stop them.) Chandler: Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey! (Monica hides under the covers as Joey enters. Remember?) Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e… (Notices that the TV is turned off.) Joey: Oh, dude I’m so sorry! Chandler: No! No! No! Joey: Hey no-no-no-no! It’s cool! It’s cool! I-I’ll only be a second, I’m still with my bridesmaid, I just—Where are those condoms you brought? Chandler: They’re in my bag over there. (Points.) Joey: Ah. (Joey walks to Chandler’s bag by getting as far away from Chandler’s bed as possible.) Chandler: Uh, could you leave me one? Joey: (pause) For just you? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Hey listen, why don’t you come downstairs with me? There’s some really nice girls down there. Chandler: No I-I-I’m fine. Joey: All right, here you go buddy. (He tosses him one.) Go nuts. (Exits.) [Cut back to Monica and Chandler telling Phoebe and Joey the story.] Joey: That’s what that was?! ‘Cause that other thing? I thought you were on to something, but it did nothing for me. Monica: Okay, can we change the topic? Because it’s really doing nothing for me. Joey: Oh… (To Chandler) Can you imagine if I hadn’t left you that last one? You two might’ve never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you imagine if I sent that hooker up to the room like I was gonna?! It’s like it was in the stars! Phoebe: Yeah, it’s totally meant to be. (To Monica) Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night. Monica: What?! Chandler: What? Phoebe: (To Joey) What?! Chandler: Who did you originally want to hook up with? Monica: Okay, fine but please don’t be upset! Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just wanted…just sex. So, when I…went to your room that night…I was actually looking…for Joey. (Joey smiles.) Joey: Yeah baby! (Chandler glares at him.) No baby! Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.] Chandler: (To Monica) So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on telling me about this? Monica: No, because it-it didn’t seem important. Chandler: Oh, it’s not important? It’s not important?! If it wasn’t for a bridesmaid you’d be marrying him (Points to Joey) not me! Monica: Noo!! The point is that is was you that was there that night! It is you that I am marrying! It is you that I fell in love with! Joey: And it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv—(Shuts up on Monica’s glare.) Chandler: I don’t believe it. The most romantic night of my life and I’m runner up. Monica: Chandler, please! Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey was not there that night?! Joey: Hey! (Monica turns and looks at him) Now I’m a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings! Chandler: (To Joey) Look there is no way you’re doing this wedding now. Okay? Joey: What?! That’s not fair! It’s not my fault! I was off with my bridesmaid! And who’s to say I would’ve even said yes?! (To Monica) I mean I would’ve said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way too big a deal out of this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay! Chandler: Okay, it’s just weird! Okay? I don’t want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need…I don’t know what I need. I need a walk. Monica: Wait Chandler come on, let’s—it’s not a big deal! Chandler: It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin. (Walks out and slams the door.) Joey: This is crazy. Phoebe: I know! Robin is so gay! [Scene: Carol and Susan’s, Rachel is talking with Ben.] Rachel: So now what have we agreed? Ben: No more pranks. Rachel: And-and what else? Ben: That you and daddy were not on a break. Rachel: Very good. (There’s a knock on the door and Ross enters.) Ross: Rachel! What are you doing here? Rachel: I’m just visiting my good friend Carol. Ross: Your good friend? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: What’s her last name? Rachel: Carol…Lesbian? Ross: Nice. And by the way that uh, that line down my face? Rachel: What line? Ross: Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say uh, (In a college frat boy voice) "Dude, don’t you ever wash your face?" Rachel: All right, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you were so mad already! Ross: Of course I was mad! I told you I-I hate this stuff! Okay? It-it’s not funny! Carol: (entering from the kitchen) Hey Ross! Ross: Hi. Carol: What’s not funny? Ross: Practical jokes. Carol: Oh I…I think they’re funny. Ross: You have a line down your face. Carol: What? (Goes and checks.) Rachel: Okay, maybe they are not funny to you… Carol: (yelling from the bathroom) Oh my God! Rachel: Or Carol! But they’re funny to kids and who is it hurting?! Ross: Uh, y’know what? I’ll tell you who it hurts! It hurts the kid who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principal’s office wearing nothing but a catcher’s mitt! Rachel: That was you?! We heard about you in Junior High! Did you really just shake your fist in the air and shout, "I will be revenged?!" Ross: I will be! Listen, I don’t want you teaching my son that stuff anymore. Okay? Rachel: Fine. Fine, but I’ll have you know that once I taught him that stuff he called me Fun Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel but I’ll go back to being Boring and Uncomfortable Aunt Rachel if that’s what you want! Ross: No that’s not what I want. Uh, I’m glad you guys were bonding but I… Rachel: Look he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters, somebody’s gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I haven’t taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesn’t know anyway! Ben: (yelling from off camera) Crap!! Rachel: I gotta go! (Runs out.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sulking on the couch as Joey enters to talk with him.] Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Do you want this scone? (Holds up his plate) It came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you! Joey: Chandler, come on nothing even happened! Chandler: Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding… Joey: No-hey-no! If you don’t want me to do it, I accept that. I don’t care about that. I just…I don’t want you to be upset. Chandler: How can I not be upset? Okay? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first! Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! You’re so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, ‘cause you guys are perfect for each other. Y’know, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just…it-it fits. Y’know? And you just know it’s gonna last forever. Chandler: That’s what you should say. Joey: What? Chandler: When you’re marrying us; that’s what you should say. Joey: Really? I can do it? Chandler: I’d love it if you would do it. Joey: Hey! (They hug.) Chandler: But those are the words! Those exact words! Joey: Well I don’t know if I remember exactly but, it’s-it’s pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is in the kitchen as Ross and Ben are entering.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Ross: Hey I’m sorry to do this to you again but uh, is there any way you can look after Ben for a little bit? I-I’ve got this meeting at school. And-and he-he asked for his uh, ‘Fun Aunt’ Rachel, so… Rachel: Ohhh! Well of course I will watch him! We have fun, don’t we Ben? (He nods yes.) Ross: Okay, I’ll see you later pal. (Ross turns to leave.) Rachel: Ohh, okay. (Ross has a sign on his back that reads ‘Poop.’) Wh—Ah-ha! (Ross stops and turns.) Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I can’t do it. Ross: What? Rachel: I can’t let him go out that way, he’s got a meeting. (To Ross) You’ve got something here on your back. Ross: What? (She takes the sign off and hands it to him.) That’s great. That is great. (Crumples up the paper and throws it down in anger.) What did we just finish talking about Ben?! Rachel: Oh I… Ben: What did we just finish talking about Ben?! Ross: All right, that’s it! (He runs over to Ben, who runs past him and out the door.) Come—you—no! You are in big trouble young man! Rachel: No! Wait! Come on! [Cut to the hallway, Ben runs upstairs with Ross in pursuit.] Ross: Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am not kidding! Rachel: No you guys… (She walks out into the hallway.) Ross: I-I-am—(Suddenly Ross starts screaming and comes falling down the stairs landing just in front of Rachel.) Rachel: EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My God!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!!! (She runs over to him and finds that it was a dummy and that she had been had.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are entering. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.] Joey: Hey! Monica: Hey-hey. Joey: So are guys doing okay? Chandler: Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little bit and some things in life are more important. Monica: Yeah baby! (Phoebe and Joey nod.) Phoebe: I’m really glad you guys are okay but, I just keep thinking what would happen if-if you two (Points to Monica and Joey) actually had hooked up. [Scene: Monica and Joey’s, Monica is cooking.] Monica: Honey! Dinner’s ready! (Joey, whose new diet is working out great, he looks like he only weighs 375 down from 420 enters from the bedroom.) Fat Joey: What’s my little chef got for me tonight? Monica: Your favorite! Joey: Ho-ho-ho, (pausing for a rest next to the fridge) fried stuff with cheese! Monica: Yep! And lot’s of it! Fat Joey: Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little sugar here. (They kiss.) Okay. (Joey sits down.) Monica: Okay, in we go. (Monica gets behind him and in combination with his sliding the chair forward and her pushing with her leg manages to get up to the table.) Fat Joey: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! (Groans and picks up a piece of food.) How you doin’? Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting Phoebe some coffee.] Joey: Here you go. Phoebe: (still reading the label) Oh my God! This is a six-hour pill! (Checks her watch) That’s it! I’m out of the woods! Ohh! What a relief! Joey: Good for you! Phoebe: Oh, it’s like a huge weight has been lifted! ‘Cause look, (reads the side effects) no hair loss, not a rash, no hives, I’m just so happy! Because no shortness of breath, no temporary euphoria—Oh. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x16 - The One With The Truth About London"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there. Monica is holding a piece of paper.] Monica: So the wedding caterer sent me this list of twelve appetizers and I have to narrow it down to six. Joey: Food? Uh-huh gimme! (She hands him the paper.) Chandler: So did Monica tell you about this great band called the Swing Kings that we’re trying to get to play at the wedding? Phoebe: Since when are you into swing music? Chandler: Oh since forever! I used to go all over town listening to bands! Monica: Chandler. Chandler: Gap commercial. (To Monica) So did you book them? Did you call? Monica: I will. Chandler: Do you want me to call? Monica: No, I’ll do it. You just stick to your job. Phoebe: What is your job? Chandler: Staying out of the way. Joey: This is impossible Monica, why don’t you just pick all 15? (Hands back the paper.) Monica: There were only twelve. Joey: Oh yeah, I added three. Monica: What are peanut butter fingers?! Joey: Oh yeah… (He mimes sticking his fingers into a jar of peanut butter, scooping some out, and eating it off his fingers.) Opening Credits [Scene: A Street, Chandler and Ross are at a newsstand.] Ross: (noticing a beautiful woman moving in down the street) Well hello! She’s cute! Should we uh, go try to talk to her? Chandler: Sure! That’s one of the great things about being engaged. I’m not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore. The Woman: Could you guys help me? (Chandler shyly exhales and looks away.) Ross: Uh yeah! Let me, let me get that for you. The Woman: It-it’s really heavy. Ross: (exhales) I got it. (He lifts the box and grunts under the strain.) (Calmly) So hi, I’m uh, I’m Ross and this is my friend Chandler. (He shyly waves.) The Woman: I-I am Kristen. Ross: Kristen, hi. Are you uh, new to the area, ‘cause if you are…I’d love to show you around sometime. Kristen: I…I uh, actually just moved from four blocks over. Ross: Ah. Kristen: But-but this block is like a whole other world. Ross: Y’know actually it does have a very interesting history. Uh, this street is the first street in the city to have an underground sewer system. (Kristen crinkles her nose at that.) Before that sewage and waste would just flow right down the street. Yeah, sometimes ankle deep! (He stops when he realizes what he’s talking about.) Chandler: (To Ross) Smooth. Kristen: (To Chandler) Excuse me? (Chandler does the shy thing again.) Ross: Umm, say you’re gonna be starving after all this moving. What do you say I take you to dinner tonight? Kristen: Oh I’d like that. Ross: Yeah? Kristen: Yeah. Ross: Great! Uh, let me take this up for you. (The box he’s holding.) Kristen: After you. Ross: Oh no-no, after you. (She grabs a chair and heads upstairs.) (When she’s gone.) Oh my God! (He drops the box and Chandler can’t pick it up.) [Scene: A Bridal Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for Monica who is trying on her wedding dress.] Phoebe: (wearing a veil) Am I crazy or does this totally go?! (Monica enters from the dressing room wearing her gown.) Rachel: Oh my God! You look so beautiful! Phoebe: (To Rachel) Thank you Rachel but, look at Monica! Monica: This is it. Yeah, this is the one. I can’t believe I found it! (Another woman walks up.) The Woman: Wow you look so beautiful! If I knew you, I’d cry. Monica: Well I’m Monica Geller, ball like a baby. The Woman: I’m Megan Bailey. Monica: Have you found your dress yet? Megan: Oh no, these dresses are all so amazing but there is no way I could afford one. Monica: No, I can’t afford this either. No. I-I-I’m, I’m just here to figure out which one I want then I’m gonna get it at Kleinman’s, this discount place in Brooklyn, day after tomorrow they are having a huge sale. Megan: Oh, thanks for the tip. Monica: Yeah! So-so when are you getting married? Megan: Oh I’m not, I just like to try these on. Rachel: I do the same thing. Megan: I’m just kidding. I’m getting married July 25th. Rachel: I’m just kidding too. (Laughs) I’m getting married in December. (Turns away not happy with herself.) Megan: (To Monica) So when are you getting married? Monica: Oh May 15th. Megan: Oooh it’s getting close! Monica: Yeah! Megan: So uh, who’s your photographer? Monica: Jeffery. Megan: We met with him. Did he show you the photos of the nude wedding he did? Monica: The best man? Wow! Megan: I know! I almost called off my wedding. Oh, who’s your band?! Monica: Oh, my fiancee wants the Swing Kings. Megan: Oh, you’re so lucky. My fiancee wants the heavy metal band Carcass. Phoebe: Ooh, is that spelled with a ‘C’ or a ‘K’? Oh my God! It doesn’t matter; they’re both great! (Another woman walks past Rachel carrying a wedding dress.) Rachel: Oh y’know what? Y’know what? Now that you know what you want you should go to Kleinman’s and get it half off. This place is so overpriced. The Woman: I own this store. Rachel: So, does this (the dress) come in another color or… (The store owner walks away.) [Scene: A Street, Joey is walking by Kristen, who is still moving in.] Joey: (checking her out) Hi! You uh, movin’ in or movin’ out? Kristen: I’m moving in. Joey: Oh uh, can I give you a hand? Kristen: Oh okay. But y’know what? Be careful. Because a guy who was helping me before had to leave because he hurt his back. Joey: Boyfriend? Kristen: No. Joey: I’m Joey. (They shake hands.) Kristen: Kristen. Joey: Oh wow, what a beautiful name! (Pause) What is it again? Kristen: Kristen. Joey: Got it! (He picks up a lamp.) So… Kristen: So uh, do you live around here? Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Right down there. (Points.) Hey listen; let me give you a little tip. Do not take a nap on this stoop (Points to hers) or you can wake up with your shoes gone. Kristen: I’ll remember that. Joey: Okay. Yeah. Listen would you uh, would you like to have dinner with me tonight? Kristen: Oh I, I have plans tonight. Joey: Oh. Kristen: But how about tomorrow? Joey: Sounds great! Okay, alright, well where does this go? (The lamp he’s holding.) Kristen: You look strong, why don’t I take that and you grab one of the boxes. Joey: Okay. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to pick up a box marked books, but decides to take the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, I’ll grab this one. (He follows her upstairs.) [Scene: Kleinman’s, a horde of women including Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica are waiting for the store to open.] A Woman: What is taking so long?! I mean whatever! Rachel: (To Phoebe) So this is Brooklyn. Monica: All right, listen up. There is usually only one dress in each size so when they open those doors, fan out. Now, this is what you’re looking for! (Holds up a picture of it.) Memorize it! When you locate the dress, blow on these. All right? (She passes out whistles to them.) Three short blasts. When you hear it, come running. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Got it. Monica: All right. (A worker comes to open the door and the horde starts to press forward.) A Woman: Here he comes! Hurry! Rachel: Oh they’re pushing! They’re pushing!! Monica: (To Rachel) Hey! Don’t be a baby! Rachel: Well I… (The door opens allowing the horde to charge in, knocking Rachel out of the way and to the ground.) A Woman: Let’s go!! Phoebe: (coming back out) Hey! Rachel! Come on!!!! [Time lapse, inside the store, Monica is frantically looking for her dress.] Monica: No. No. Not it. Not it. Not it. (Checks another rack and another woman tries to reach around her.) (To the woman) Don’t crowd me! (Finds it) This is it! This is the dress! Oh my God, it’s perfect! (She takes it off of the rack and someone has a hold of it on the other side of the rack and tugs on it.) I’m sorry, this one’s taken! (The other woman tugs harder pulling Monica through the rack.) Whoa! Monica: Megan! Megan: Monica! Monica: You came?! Megan: Yeah! Monica: This is my dress! Megan: No! Monica: Yes it is! You saw me wearing it! Megan: And now you’ll see me buying it. Monica: What? You freak! You wouldn’t even have known about this place if it wasn’t for me! Megan: Look, you don’t want to fight me. Monica: Maybe I do! I’m pretty feisty! (She blows the signal.) [Cut to Phoebe in another part of the store.] Phoebe: (hearing the signal) I’m coming! I’m coming! (She takes off towards the signal and almost knocks another woman over.) Woman: Hey! (She hears another signal in another direction.) Phoebe: Okay! (Runs that way and hears another whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the other way and hears another blast.) What do I do?!! (She runs in the second direction and finds that the whistling is coming from inside a rack. She moves the dresses out of the way to find Rachel curled up in a fetal position frantically blwing on the whistle.) What are you doing? (Rachel doesn’t stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel won’t stop so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her to spit the whistle out.) Phoebe: Did you find the dress? Rachel: No! You gotta get me out of here Phoebe! These bargain shoppers are crazy! Phoebe: I—We gotta get Monica. (She starts to leave.) Rachel: No! You gotta hold my hand!! Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She grabs Rachel’s hand and drags her towards Monica.) Excuse me! Excuse me! (She’s knocking women and veils out of the way as she moves.) (She gets to Monica who has the dress balled up in one hand and is sitting on Megan who is sprawled out on the floor.) Monica: (handing Phoebe the dress) Go! Go! Go! Rachel: (seeing who’s trapped) Hey… Monica: NOW!!!!!!!! (Rachel runs off and Monica gets up to follow her.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there.] Chandler: So Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet? Ross: Laugh all you want but uh, she actually left me a message saying she’d like to go out again. Chandler: Huh. Ross: Yeah in fact, I’m gonna go call her right now. And I’ll make sure to tell her my friend Chandler says… (He mimics the shy reaction Chandler did.) Joey: (entering) Hey Chandler! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Listen, sorry I didn’t stop by last night but I had a date. Chandler: Uh Joe, when it’s one o’clock in the morning and you don’t come by? That’s okay! Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street! Chandler: Really? Right across the street? Joey: Yeah! Chandler: When’d you meet her? Joey: Two days ago. Chandler: Excellent! Y’know Ross met somebody too! Joey: Oh yeah? Ross: (returning) Hey. Chandler: Hi! How’d it go? Ross: Oh great! We’re going out again Saturday. But I just found she’s also seeing some other guy. Chandler: (sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross’s situation? Joey: Well, I sorta am. I mean yeah, I’m dating this girl who’s also seeing another guy. But, I don’t know, I’m not too worried about it. Ross: Well you shouldn’t be. Believe me I wouldn’t want to be the guy who’s up against you. (Chandler laughs.) I mean that doofus is going to lose! Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didn’t have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, what’s the name of the girl you’re dating? Joey and Ross: Kristen Lang. Chandler: Bye! (Exits.) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, time lapse from the earlier scene.] Ross: Well obviously only one of us can keep dating her. Joey: Obviously! So, how do we decide? Ross: Well now let’s-let’s look at this objectively, I think I should date her… Joey: (not buying it) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Or, or I’m the one who dates her. Ross: That’s interesting, but check this out. I date her… Joey: Yeah-yeah I like that but just to go in another direction… Ross: Okay, okay. This can go on for a while. Joey: Yeah well we should order some food then. Ross: No Joey! Look why don’t, why don’t we just let her decide? Okay? Hey-hey, we’ll each go out with her one more time. And-and we’ll see who she likes best. Joey: (smiling) That sounds fair. Ross: Maybe I’ll take her to that new French restaurant down the street… Joey: Ah yeah—wait a second now! Look we’re gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I don’t have the money to take her to a fancy place like that. Ross: Well sorry, that’s what I do on dates. Joey: All right, well I guess I’ll just have to do what I do on dates. Ross: So let’s decide on the spending limit… Joey: Yeah. Uh, (thinks)…a slice…(Thinks)…six dollars? Ross: I was thinking more like a hundred. Joey: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are admiring Monica’s wedding dress.] Monica: Oh… Phoebe: I know. Hand me a tissue. (Monica hands her one.) (Rachel goes to the fridge, opens it, and blows on the whistle Monica gave her at the store, which causes Phoebe and Monica to turn around and look at her.) Rachel: You’re out of Diet Coke. (The phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel goes into the bathroom.) Monica: Hello? (Listens) What?! (Listens) You what?! (Listens) Hey you listen here missy! (Listens) Wh—(She is hung up on.) Phoebe: What?! Monica: That was that girl Megan! She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said that I couldn’t have them back unless I gave her the dress! Phoebe: (gasps) Does that mean Carcass is available? Monica: What am I gonna do?! That is the dress! That is the dress! Wh…Chandler wants the band. What do I do? Phoebe: Well just figure out a way to talk him out of it. Monica: How? (There are three short whistle blasts from the bathroom.) Rachel: You’re out of toilet paper! [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is getting ready for his date with Kristen.] Joey: (entering) Hey! Ross: Hey! What’s up? Joey: I just wanted to come by and y’know, wish you good luck on your date. Ross: Oh thanks! Joey: Yeah. What time are you meeting her? Ross: We have 8:00 reservations at Gramercy Bistro. Joey: Wow, that’s in like 20 minutes. You’d better get dressed. Ross: I am dressed. Joey: Oh. Well good! (To himself) For me. (He picks up a jar of lotion.) What is this? Did you give yourself a facial? Ross: I have an oily T-zone! Joey: Okay dude! (Finds a receipt.) Hey you uh, you sent Kristen flowers. Ross: That’s right. Joey: You spent a hundred dollars. That’s the limit. You’re screwed! Ross: Uh actually, I sent the flowers before the actual date. So technically, technically I didn’t break any rules. Thanks for stopping by though. Joey: Oh-oh! So that’s the way it’s gonna be huh? Yeah I can break the rules too y’know! Ross: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Joey: I don’t know. Ross: Why am I not surprised? Joey: Y’know what Ross? I’m not gonna let you get away with this! Ross: I don’t think you have much choice. Joey: Well we’ll see! Ross: Bye-bye! Joey: Yeah bye-bye! (Exits and comes back in still holding the lotion.) Hey! So just a light layer? Ross: Yes. Yes. Just here (Runs his fingers down the bridge of his nose) and there (Runs his fingers across his forehead). [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering without touching anything with his hands. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there.] Chandler: Joey got meat sauce on the banister again! (He goes into the bathroom to wash his hands.) Phoebe: Yeah, swing music is so out. Monica: Phoebe, he’s gotta be in the room for that to work. Chandler: (returning) What are you guys talking about? Monica: Well umm, we were just talking about the y’know, the Swing Kings and just wondering whether y’know, they were the right way to go. Rachel: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music and uh, two months later the couple got divorced. And now I’m not saying that there’s any connection here y’know, but they did tell me that’s why they got divorced. Chandler: But I love swing music! Phoebe: Yeah but the Swing Kings? Y’know they suck so much that people actually die at their concerts—They just stop living. Chandler: Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And there’s another reason too. Rachel: Well, what is the other reason? Chandler: I don’t want to say. Rachel: Well you have to because maybe it’s stupid. Chandler: Well it’s just while Monica and I were dancing to them it was…the first time I knew that…you were the woman I wanted to dance all my dances with. Monica: Oh crap! [Scene: Gramercy Bistro, Ross and Kristen are waiting for their table to be ready. Ross is returning from talking to the Maitre d'.] Ross: So they said our table will be ready in just a few minutes. Kristen: Oh great! Ross: Yeah. Kristen: Is your back feeling better? Ross: Oh yeah it’s fine. I guess the more muscles you have the more they can spasm out of control. Joey: (entering) Kristen? Kristen: Joey! Joey: Hi! Kristen: Hi! What are you doing here? Joey: Oh I like this place. And technically, technically I’m not breaking any rules so I… Kristen: Well uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey? Ross. Joey: Hi! Ross: Hi. (They shake hands.) It’s nice to meet you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I don’t anymore. Kristen: Our table will be ready in a couple minutes. Ross: Yeah. So… Joey: Sure! I would love to wait with you guys! Thanks! (Sits down.) Ross: So Joey umm, you look familiar. Are uh, are you on TV or something? Kristen: Well Joey doesn’t like to talk about it but, he’s one of the stars of Days Of Our Lives. Ross: That’s right! That’s right, don’t you play a woman? Joey: A woman in a man’s body. Ross: Much better. Joey: So y’know Ross it’s funny ‘cause, you look familiar to me too. Have you ever been married? Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how I’ve been married and how I have a son. Kristen: Yeah, little Eric. Ross: That’s right! Wait no, Ben. Joey: So you’ve just married the one time then? Ross: Well umm… Kristen: You’ve been married twice? Ross: Yes. And another time after that. Boy I’m getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you ate some of her food? Kristen: You said the waiter ate my crab cake. Joey: (laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross, well now—why did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian? Kristen: Do you two know each other? Joey and Ross: No. No. Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge. (Kristen is not enjoying this.) Ross: Wait a minute! Were you on a poster for gonorrhea? Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?! Ross: Hey you leave Marcel out of this! Joey: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?! Ross: Hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a TV cabinet VD boy?! Joey: Monkey lover! (They both notice that Kristen has left.) Joey: When do you think we lost her? Ross: Probably around gonorrhea. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering.] Chandler: Hi, honey! I’m home! Monica: (from the bedroom) Don’t come in here! Chandler: Why? Do you have another boyfriend in there or something? Monica: No! We only mess around at his place! Chandler: Y’know it’s funny I started it but, now it’s scaring me. So could you come out here please? Monica: No, I’m wearing a wedding dress. Chandler: Oh you got a wedding dress? That’s great! Monica: Yeah but I’m not keeping it. Chandler: Well then why can’t I see it? Monica: Oh. I guess you can. Okay but; I-I have to return it, so you can’t like it. Chandler: Okay I promise. I’ll-I’ll hate it. (She enters.) Wow! You-you look…hideous. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yeah, that’s like the most ugliest dress I’ve ever seen. Wh-why do you have to return it? Monica: Oh because it doesn’t…really fit. Oh by the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings. Chandler: Oh that’s great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it’s like yuck! It’s terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you! Monica: Okay! But you can’t rip it. Well, maybe a little. Chandler: Okay! Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are watching a basketball game on the couch.] Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Do you wanna look at the song list for the wedding? (They ignore her.) Guys? Chandler: (without turning around) I thought you were gonna be gone all day. Monica: Alright, what’s going on? (They all slowly turn around to reveal that they are giving themselves a facial.) Monica: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I-I should probably leave you girls alone. (She heads for the bedroom.) Ross: Yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes we’re gonna have younger looking skin! Joey: Yeah! (Monica goes in the bedroom.) Y’know, she could use a little…(Whistles that she needs to do what they’re doing.) (Something happens on the game.) Oh nice sht!!! (They all cheer.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x17 - The One With The Cheap Wedding Dress"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Brian Boyle Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are there as Joey is entering excitedly.] Joey: Hey! You guys! You’re not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agent… Phoebe: Oh my God! (Joey looks at her.) I’m sorry, too soon. You go. Joey: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives! Monica: Joey! Phoebe: Good for you! Monica: Congratulations! Wow! I can’t believe you’re nominated for an Emmy! Joey: No-no. Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award! Joey: No! I’m up for a Soapie! Monica: Honey? Is that something you’re making up? Joey: No, no, no! It’s real! And it has been since 1998. (Rachel returns from the bathroom.) Hey Rach! Rach! I’m up for a Soapie! Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is! Joey: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I’m taking to the awards. (Points to Rachel.) Rachel: Oh, stop that! Don’t kid about that! (Gasps) Will all the stars be there? Joey: Many are scheduled to appear. Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t go! I’m gonna be too nervous! Monica: (to Joey) Okay, I’ll go! Rachel: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have. Opening Credits [Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.] Ross: …and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand it’s collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten it’s predator. (A student raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis? Lewis: What kinda noise? Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise. Lewis: But like how? Ross: Well we-we don’t know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesn’t know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, that’s uh, that’s all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment? Morse: Yes sir. Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, I’m afraid I-I had to fail you. Morse: (shocked) Why?! Ross: Well you need 60% to pass… Morse: What’d I get? Ross: Seven. Morse: That’s not so good. Ross: No-no it’s not. What-what happened there Ned? Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. I’m sort of in love. Ross: Well I’m sorry but, that-that’s really not my problem. Morse: I’m in love with you. Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little. Morse: You see, that’s why I did so bad on this test. I’m having a hard time concentrating. When you’re up there (Points to the podium) and you’re teaching and your face gets all serious…you look so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater… Ross: Okay! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh, I’m your teacher. I’m sorry, you’re-you’re a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs. [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute guy checking them out.] Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out! Monica: Really? (Looks.) My God, he’s really cute. Phoebe: Go for it. Monica: Phoebe, I’m engaged! Phoebe: I’m just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and can’t perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill. The Cute Guy: (To Monica) Hi! Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, I’m engaged. (Points to her ring.) The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend. Monica: Well you should be embarrassed. (Leaves.) The Cute Guy: (To Phoebe) I thought you knew I was looking at you. Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting in the chair.] Joey: (pretending to be an announcer) And the winner is…Joey Tribbiani! (He then gets excited and goes over to the counter to practice his acceptance speech using a bottle of maple syrup as the award.) Oh… Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didn’t prepare a speech. But umm, I’d like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my parents, who’ve always been there for me. I’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel… Rachel: I’m fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at you with your little maple syrup award! Joey: Yeah may-maybe you don’t tell anyone about this. Rachel: What? No! It’s not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle. Joey: Really? Rachel: Yeah. Joey: What award are you practicing for? Rachel: Grammy, Best New Artist. Joey: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie’s called today and I also get to present an award. Rachel: Ohh that’s great! Joey: Yeah! Rachel: So you’ll definitely get onstage, even if you don’t win. Joey: (confused) What you-you don’t think I’m gonna win? Rachel: Well of course I do! But y’know, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you’re up against the guy who survived his own cremation. Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it’s just…I’ve never even been nominated before! I want it so much. Rachel: Well Joey, you’ll probably get it. But you should probably your-your gracious loser face. Y’know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. Y’know? So it’s sorta like… (Does it, you’ll have to see it.) Joey: Hey! (Likes it.) Rachel: Y’know? Joey: You practice losing the Grammies too? Rachel: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win. Joey: Ah. [Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, she’s cooking as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Oh hey! Monica: Hey! How’d your date go with Jake? Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldn’t keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while y’know, he’d kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.) Monica: Okay, stop it Phoebe, you’re getting me all tingly. Phoebe: (laughs) All I could think of was y’know, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?" Monica: And did he? Phoebe: I’m a lady Monica, I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. (She starts to open up her blouse.) Monica: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it. Phoebe: I just like him so much that I just feel like I’ve had 10 drinks today and I’ve only had six. Monica: Oh, I haven’t had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, I’m never gonna have that feeling again am I? Phoebe: You sound like a guy. Monica: No, a guy would be saying, "I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my God! I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! I’ve been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that I’d be giving up! I mean, I…I’m never gonna have a first kiss again. Phoebe: You’ll have a last kiss. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is helping Joey with his tie.] Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you? Joey: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie? Ross: There’s this kid in my class who said he’s in love with me. Joey: Whoa! Rachel: (entering from her room) Whoa what? Joey: Ross has a boyfriend. Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There’s a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me. Rachel: Really? Ross: Yeah! I don’t know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of…sexy professor vibe? (Rachel and Joey both look at him.) Rachel: Not right now. Ross: It-it—The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm. Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Y’know you—I couldn’t concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what’s it’s like to be 19 and in love. Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack. Rachel: Yeah. Joey: How’d you get over that teacher? Rachel: I didn’t. I got under him. Joey: (To Ross) Problem solved. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is saying good-bye to her boyfriend Jake at the door to Central Perk.] Jake: Bye Phoebe. Phoebe: Okay bye. (They kiss.) Jake: All right. Bye. (Backs out the door.) Phoebe: Bye! (Phoebe goes over and joins Monica on the couch.) We said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love. Monica: Phoebe, it’s okay. You don’t have to tip toe around me. I-I’ve been thinking about it and umm, y’know what? I’m okay about not having that new relationship feeling… Jake: (yelling through the window to Phoebe) I miss you already!! Phoebe: (yelling back) I miss you too!!!! (He walks away.) Monica: See? That’s what I mean. I mean that, that’s great! But I wouldn’t trade in what I have for that. I mean I’m gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and that’s what makes me happy. (Chandler approaches.) Hey sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is don’t you think? Chandler: Oh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull my finger. [Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, Joey’s category is up next and the presenter walks to the podium.] Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is McKensize… [Cut to Joey and Rachel’s table.] Joey: (To Rachel) This is it! This is my category. Rachel: I know! My God! Do you have your speech? Joey: Yeah, I got my speech! Rachel: Do you got your gracious loser face? Joey: Yeah. (Does it.) Rachel: Now Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me! Joey: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass? Rachel: On TV?! Yeah! Joey: ‘Kay! [Cut to the presenter.] The Presenter: …in the category of Favorite Returning Male Character the nominees are: John Wheeler from General Hospital (Applause), Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless (Applause), Dunkin Harrington from Passions (Applause), and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives (Applause). And the Soapie goes to…(She opens the envelope)…Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless! Joey: What the?! (Joey pounds the table and starts yelling at Rachel, and which is drowned out by applause. Rachel is desperately trying to tell Joey that he’s on TV right now. He finally notices and he does his gracious loser face.) Commercial Break [Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, the announcer is introducing the next presenter.] Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to the podium and eyes the trophy.) Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is…(Opens the envelope)…Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldn’t be with us tonight so I’ll be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And I’m sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. She’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel who’s sittin’ right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are entering.] Rachel: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?! Joey: Rach we had to get out of there because, look what I won! (He whips out the award for Best Supporting Actress that he accepted for Jessica.) Rachel: Oh my God you stole her award! Joey: No-no! No, I’m accepting it on her behalf. (He puts it up above the TV to display it.) Rachel: Joey I don’t think you know what behalf means. Joey: Sure I do! It’s a verb! As in, "I behalfin’ it!" Rachel: Joey, you have got to take this back! Joey: But why?! I should’ve won one and I really want it and she didn’t even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy. Rachel: (looking at the award) No! Joey! Joey: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of ‘em. Rachel: Do you really want an award you didn’t win? Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobody’s giving me any of those! Plus—Hey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come over they’ll see it and they’ll think I won it. Rachel: Joey is says Best Supporting Actress! Joey: I can scratch that right off. Rachel: Joey no, this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You don’t want to win an award this way. You’re very talented. And someday you’re gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something. Joey: All right! Rachel: All right? (He sets the award down.) Thank you. Joey: I’ll take it back tomorrow. Rachel: Thank you. (He goes into his room and closes the door. Rachel goes to pick it up and…) Joey: (opening his door) If I can’t have it you can’t have it! (Rachel walks away angrily.) [Scene: Ross’s Classroom, he is writing on the board and Alan is coming in to see him.] Lewis: Professor Geller? Ross: (turning towards him) Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you? Lewis: I know I didn’t do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kinda hoping you could change my grade. Ross: And why exactly would I do that? (Goes back to writing on the board.) Lewis: Because I’m in love with you. Ross: (turning around and dragging the chalk down the board) What?! Lewis: Yeah, I’m all…in love with you and stuff. So could you change my grade? Ross: No! Lewis: Well why not you changed Ned’s grade! Ross: Well that’s different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with me! Lewis: No he’s not! He’s totally yanking your chain! He’s done this with three other teachers! Ross: What? Lewis: He’s got a girlfriend! Ross: I can’t believe someone would do that for a grade. Lewis: I know! It’s awful. I love you. (Ross glares at him.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Monica enters.] Monica: Have you seen Chandler? Phoebe: No. Why? Monica: ‘Cause I just keeping thinking about all these things that I’m not gonna have and it’s freaking me out. I don’t know what to do about it. Phoebe: Okay, don’t sweat it. (Looking around her.) Chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get it out of your system. That guy’s cute. (Points to a guy sitting behind Monica.) Monica: Phoebe! Come on I’m serious! I just got to talk to him about all this. Phoebe: No that is the last thing you want to do! Monica: Why? Phoebe: Because you’re marrying him! Monica: You gotta help me out here Pheebs. Phoebe: All right, I’ve never been engaged and I’ve never really been married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband. Monica: So I’m not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with? Phoebe: That is correct! Yes, you’re supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight. Monica: Your mother told you this? Phoebe: Yes! Monica: The woman that got married a bunch of times and k*lled herself when you were 13? Phoebe: Oh my God! You’re right! Go! (Monica starts to leave.) Go tell Chandler! Hurry before it’s too late! Wait no! (Monica stops.) Does this also mean putting out doesn’t get you love? (Monica is shocked.) [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey and Rachel are there to give Jessica her award.] Rachel: I cannot believe I’m gonna meet Jessica Ashley! Joey: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman. Rachel: Okay, I’m totally cool! (She coolly knocks on the door) Jessica Ashley: Come in. (The enter.) Joey: Hey Jessica. Rachel: (coolly) Hey Jess. Joey: Ah, this is my friend Rachel. Jessica Ashley: Hi. Rachel: ‘Sup? (Joey glares at her.) Joey: Uh listen, here’s your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. (Hands it to her.) Jessica Ashley: (shocked) Oh my God! I won! Do you have any idea what this means?! (She rolls her eyes and throws it onto the couch.) Joey: Well, that-that-that’s it? You’re gonna, you’re gonna put it on your self or anything? Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if you’ll excuse me. (She exits.) Joey: (To Rachel) Take it back? Rachel: Absolutely. Joey: Y-y-yeah! (As they start to leave, Rachel pauses and steals a vase with flowers in it.) Yeah you do. (They exit.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is talking to Chandler.] Monica: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share? Chandler: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big Monica: You’re wrong! The centerpieces are fine! Do you ever get scared at all? Chandler: Kinda. They’re really big. Monica: Doesn’t it ever just freak you out that-that you’re never gonna be with anybody new again? Chandler: What? Monica: Just, I love you so much. Just…It’s just sometimes it bothers me that I’m never gonna have that feeling. Y’know when you meet someone for the first time and it’s new and exciting? Y’know that rush? Chandler: No. No, see when I first meet somebody it’s uh it’s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating. Monica: Okay, but all right you’re a guy, does it not freak you that you’re never gonna sleep with anybody else? Chandler: Sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and I’m afraid even more sweating. Monica: Even with me? Chandler: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. (Monica laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives. Monica: Really? Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that you’re having these thoughts, I’m back to panic, anxiety, and uh I’m definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink. Monica: Come here! Come here! (They hug.) Sweetie you don’t have to worry. No, besides y’know what? I’m gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid… Chandler: (hoarsely) Water! Water! Water! [Scene: Ross’s classroom, he has just finished his lecture and the students are filing out.] Ross: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment? Morse: (walking up) That was a great lecture today. Did you get a little hair cut? Ross: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that I’m changing your grade back. Morse: What?! Why? Ross: ‘Cause I know what you’re trying to pull here. Okay? It’s not gonna work. Morse: I’m not trying to pull anything. Look I love you dude. Ross: Y’know what? I-I’m not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okay—(Ned looks shocked)—Yeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel Ned?! You used me! You don’t love me and you never did! (Ross turns around to make a grand exit but runs into two colleagues.) Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, I’ll be right with you. (To Ned) Don’t make this worse and I’ll give you a C. (To the professors) Shall we? (They leave.) Ending Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.] Phoebe: Rach? Rachel: I’ll be out in a second. (Phoebe notices the Soapie on the counter.) Phoebe: Oh. (Picks it up.) It’s just so unexpected! I…I uh…Boy I’ll tell you it’s just such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize and y’know to win one for a massage. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress in… Rachel: (entering from her room) Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00. Phoebe: …in Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. (To an imaginary Neil Simon) Thank-thank you Neil. Thank you for the words. (Blows him a kiss.) Rachel: Okay honey, you can finish this later we’re gonna be late. We gotta go. Phoebe: Please, don’t play the music. Just uh one more. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x18 - The One With Joey\u2019s Award"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are on the couch as Joey enters.] Phoebe: (To Joey) Oh hey! How was your audition? Joey: I’m sorry, do I know you? Phoebe: What are you doing? Joey: Nothing, I’m just practicing blwing you off because I’m gonna be a big movie star! Phoebe: Oh! You got it?! Joey: Well no, not yet. But the audition went really good. Monica: What was it for? Joey: Oh, it’s this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It’s really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next next Martin Scorcese. Phoebe: The next next? Joey: Yeah, there’s this guy from Chicago who’s supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guy’s right after him. (Joey’s cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello! Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! I just talked to the casting people: they loved you! Joey: (to Monica and Phoebe) They loved me! Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow. Joey: (on phone) Oh my God! Estelle: There’s just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity? Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.) Phoebe: What’s the matter? Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie! Monica: Wow! Joey: I know! My grandmother’s gonna see this! Phoebe: Grandma’s gonna have to get in line. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monica’s now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.] Phoebe: Hey, the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous? Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also can’t wait ‘til it’s over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding. Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America. Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand? Phoebe: Sure. Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us for a few days. Ross: Cassie? Monica: Uh-hmm. Ross: Wow, I haven’t seen her for, like, forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes. Monica: Ross, she’s 25 years old. Ross: So what! I still have—No you’re probably right. Rachel: (entering) Hi! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second? Phoebe: Yeah! Monica: Subtle guys! Phoebe: What?! Monica: I know you’re planning my surprise bridal shower. Rachel: (laughs) Well okay—Well don’t ruin it! Just play along at least! Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest bedroom.) Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is entering.] Monica: Hey! What did you decide to do about the movie? Joey: I don’t know! It’s not like it’s prn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Y’know? And the nudity is really important to the story. Monica: That’s what you say about p*rn. Joey: You’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t even go on the call back. Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean, the chance to star in a movie? Come on! Joey: Well that’s true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My character’s catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. It’s really sweet and-and tender. Monica: Plus, everyone’s gonna see your thing. (Giggles.) [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are trying to plan Monica’s shower.] Phoebe: Well, when can we have this shower? Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday… Phoebe: Well that’s only two days away. What is the other option? Rachel: Yesterday! Phoebe: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We’re done! Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, this is impossible! We can’t do this by Friday! We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There’s just too much to do! It’s impossible! We can’t do it! We cannot do it! We cannot do it! Phoebe: Rachel, calm down! Rachel: (calmly) Okay. I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right. Phoebe: (grabs and shakes Rachel) Just calm down woman! Rachel: Phoebe, I already, I already did. Phoebe: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little. Rachel: Okay. Okay. (They sit down.) I think we can do this if we just get organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it? Phoebe: Uh, here. What time? Rachel: 4 o’clock. Food? Phoebe: Finger sandwiches and tea. Rachel: Ooh great! Very Monica. Phoebe: And chili! Rachel: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons? Phoebe: Both! Rachel: We’re paying for this y’know. Phoebe: Neither. Rachel: Okay. Umm, what should we do for the theme? Phoebe: Lusts of the flesh. Rachel: (pause) What? Phoebe: I don’t know. (Timidly) A cowboy theme? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch writing when Chandler enters to make his brief cameo.] Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey! Chandler: Y’know I’m-I’m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding. Monica: Oh boy, me too! Chandler: Y’know I was thinking if we had a…a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours… Monica: Yeah? Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?! Monica: The wedding is off, sloppy and immature! Chandler: That’s me! Come on! Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for their room, but Monica stops.) But wait, we can’t. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, we’re supposed to have lunch. Chandler: Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill. Monica: Shrill?! The wedding is back on! (Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who don’t know who she is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is Not Enough.) Cassie: I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler. Chandler: (transfixed) Hi! Nice to meet you! Cassie: Nice to meet you too. Monica: So, are you ready to go? Cassie: Yeah. (She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say can’t help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.) Monica: (catching him) Chandler! Chandler: I’ll be right with you. [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Chandler and Monica enters.] Monica: (To Ross) Cassie needs to stay at your place. Ross: What—why? Monica: Because Purvy Perverson over here can’t stop staring at her. Ross: What?! Chandler, she’s our cousin! Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. It’s called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monica’s eyes.) Say something. Monica: You were staring about eight inches south of there. Ross: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way, what-what does Cassie even look like now. Monica: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn. Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding? Monica: Wafer thin ice! [Scene: A Casting Director’s Office, Joey is entering for his callback.] Joey: Hey, I’m back! The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey. Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again? The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call you. You didn’t need to come down here today. Joey: Oh great! Y’know I would’ve been perfect for this part, but whatever! Y’know, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day! (Starts to leave.) The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didn’t need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it. Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasn’t that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying? The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks you’re really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow. Joey: Wow! Sure! That’s great! The Casting Director: Oh, and your agent said you were okay with the nudity. Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just so long as it’s handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold. The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, there’s one more thing. Uhh, uh it’s really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah, and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how she’s never seen a naked man who wasn’t Jewish. So… (Laughs.) Joey: So…What? The Casting Director: So uh well, the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what I’m saying? Joey: Yes! The Casting Director: Okay. Joey: No. What? The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be… Joey: Barmitsvahed? (The casting director shakes her head.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was trying to get to.] Monica: So to get this part you can’t be? Joey: Nope. Monica: But you are? Joey: Yep. Monica: But you told them you weren’t? Joey: That’s right. Monica: Wow! Wow! And it’s definitely all gone? There’s nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking? Joey: I don’t know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell ‘em you can! And just figure out how to do it later. Monica: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning to…grow a turtleneck! Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like. Monica: Oh my God, what are you gonna do?! Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I can’t do the part. (Gets up for the phone.) Monica: Unless! Joey: Unless what? Monica: Well, this may sound crazy, but there maybe something we could fashion. Joey: Like what? Monica: Well I’m not sure yet, but umm, off the top of my head I’m thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering and Rachel is still planning.] Phoebe: Hey! I’ve got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyone’s names in them and inside is everyone’s individual birth stone. Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still don’t have a guest list. Phoebe: Okay. Okay! Well okay, who do we know that’s coming? Me. Are you? Monica: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey! What’s up Mon? Monica: Well uh, I’m trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge? Rachel: Have at it. Monica: Okay. (Opens the fridge.) All right, turkey. Eh, that won’t work. Cheese? (Picks it up) That won’t work. Olive loaf? (Picks it up) I hope that won’t work. Rachel: Are you makin’ him a sandwich? Monica: No it’s umm, more like a wrap. Okay so uh, I’m gonna go guys. Phoebe and Rachel: Okay. Monica: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present! (Runs out.) Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monica’s gone) We have to get her a present?! Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! It’s her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list! Rachel: Oh my God you’re amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse? Phoebe: Uh-huh, and a little seed money for the party. (Holds up $40.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, there is a knock on the door and Ross opens it to Cassie.] Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?! Cassie: Hey Ross! Ross: Hey! Cassie: (hugs him) It’s been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi. Ross: Oh. Oh, that’s right. So-so you did see me that day, because it seemed like you didn’t. Cassie: Ah yeah, sorry about that. Ross: It’s okay. Come, come on in. Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monica’s place was nice, but her fiancée sure stares a lot. Ross: Oh. (She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway, Cousin Ross is now staring.) Cassie: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler! Ross: Uh-huh. Yeah, I-I have a knack for impressions. Cassie: Well, maybe after we get reacquainted uh, you can do me. Ross: Yeah—No!! Commercial Break [Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because of what she’s eating.] Ross: Cassie, how you-how you doin’ on that…hot dog. Cassie: I’m all done. Ross: (quietly) Thank God. Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented that beach house together. Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and tickled you ‘til you cried? (She laughs) We’re probably too old to do that now. Cassie: I’ll always remember that summer, because it’s when I got all of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.) Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and I’ll always remember that summer because that’s when I realized that we are related. Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out, huh? Ross: Well I’m, I’m a little slow. (To himself) Just as our children would be. [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, it’s Monica’s bridal shower and Phoebe is passing out some finger food.] Phoebe: Hi! Woman: Hi! Phoebe: How are you? (The woman nods) Good. (She goes over to another couple of women.) Hi, thanks for coming. Woman: Oh thank you. (The other woman declines.) Phoebe: Thank you. (To the other woman) No? (She nods.) All right. (She goes to another pairing.) Oh, it’s so nice to see you. Woman: No. The Other Woman: No thanks. Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over to Rachel.) Hey Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Who the hell are all these people? Rachel: Well, I don’t know. I called all the people in Monica’s phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice. Phoebe: Hmm, y’know there’s another word for people like that: Losers! (A woman approaches.) Rachel: (to her) Hi! I’m Rachel. This is Phoebe. I’m the maid of honor. How do you know Monica? Woman: I was her accountant four years ago. Rachel: Ohhhh! Woman: I’m very interested to find out who’s been doing her taxes these last four years. Rachel: That’s great! Woman: So, what time is Monica supposed to get here? Phoebe and Rachel: (to each other) I don’t know. Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute. (They go into the kitchen.) You didn’t tell her to come?! Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her! Rachel: No I wasn’t! You were supposed to tell her to come, and I was supposed to bring the cake! Phoebe: Fine, I’ll go call her. Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Monica enters carrying a tray.] Monica: Okay, we have a lot of options here, a number of prototypes for you to try on. Joey: Wow! This looks great! Monica: Yeah! Okay, this one is a mushroom cap. (Points to it.) Umm, this one is made of bologna. (Points.) Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks? Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries. Joey: Thank God! Monica: (to a whole group) Now, these are-are more realistic, but perishable. Joey: Ah. Monica: Okay? (To a different group) Over here we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know it’s gonna shrink. Joey: Well maybe we just take that one away. (Picks it up and throws it away.) Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, that’s really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why don’t you go into your room and try these on and we’ll see—get a better idea of what’s gonna work. Joey: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And this is so weird. (He goes into his room to try them on and closes the door.) Joey: Ow! Monica: Toothpick? Joey: Yeah. Monica: What are you trying on now? Joey: The fruit roll up. Monica: And? Joey: Delicious. Monica: Joey! Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a winner! Monica: What?! Which one?! Joey: The Silly Putty! It’s not so silly anymore! (They hug.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie and Ross are watching a movie and Cassie is pouring Ross some more wine, as Ross has his hands full with the glass and holding the bowl of popcorn in his lap.] Ross: (in his head) She’s your cousin. She’s your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head she’d think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Let’s back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logan’s Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. I’m going in. (They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.) Cassie: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! (They sit back up.) Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesn’t have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh haven’t had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldn’t have said anything. [Scene: outside Phoebe's apartment, Monica is knocking on the door.] Monica: Phoebe! Rachel! It’s Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for on such short notice! (She bursts into the apartment to find only Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.) Oh. Rachel: Oh Monica, we are so sorry. Monica: For what? Rachel: Well first, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower. Phoebe: And then for forgetting to invite you to it. Monica: You al-you already had it? Phoebe: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your phone book and a bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave. Rachel: Yeah, we wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and now you don’t have either. Phoebe: We ruined everything. Rachel: Ugh… Monica: Well no, wait a minute, that’s not true! No, what did, that was really sweet. And it kinda works out for the best. Rachel: What do you, what do you mean? Monica: Well now, I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love! I mean, I get all those presents (Motions to the pile in the corner) without having to talk to people I don’t even like! (Suddenly, everyone stands up and comes out of hiding. All of them are glaring at Monica.) Rachel: Surprise… Phoebe: Sur-surprise. Rachel: …Monica. [Scene: The casting director’s office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.] Joey: And what’s cool is, the character is from Naples, right? The Director: Yeah. Joey: My whole family’s from Naples! The Director: Oh that’s great! Okay, well I’ve heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie… The Casting Director: Joey, this is the awkward part. Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to y’know make sure I don’t have any horrible scars or tattoos. Don’t you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands, back up and looks down.) So there you go, that’s me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joey’s legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, there’s a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before. Ending Credits [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is getting out linens for Cassie who is in the bathroom.] Phoebe: Cassie, are you finding everything okay in there? Cassie: Yeah! Thank you so much for letting me stay here. Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I… (Cassie emerges from the bathroom and we once again visit slow motion Barry White background music land with the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this time Phoebe is entranced. For more information on Denise Richards you can visit your local library or look her up on the Internet at her official website at www.deniserichards.com.) Cassie: (noticing her) What? Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! She’s not your cousin! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x19 - The One With Ross and Monica\u2019s Cousin"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan and Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is sitting on the chair, and they’re all talking.] Rachel: Hey! Out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next? Joey: Probably Monica and Chandler. (A woman walks up to gn in the background.) Woman: (to gn) Hi. Could I have a pack of Newport Lights, please? gn: Oh umm, uh we don’t sell cigarettes, but they have them at the newsstand across the street. (Points.) Woman: That’d be great, thanks. (gn goes and gets them.) Rachel: (to the gng) Oh my God, Melissa Warburton. I don’t think I have the energy for this. Melissa: (Gasps when she notices Rachel) Oh my God! Ray-ray Green?! (Screams) Rachel: (screaming) Melissa! Melissa: You have been M.I.A for the past seven sorority newsletters, what’s up with you?! Rachel: Wh—(Turns and looks at the gng who’s staring)—Why don’t I tell you over here? (She walks Melissa away from the gng.) Melissa: So last I heard you were gonna get married. (Grabs Rachel’s hand and notices that she doesn’t have a ring on it.) (Sadly) Oh poor Ray-ray. Rachel: Oh no-no, no! It’s good! It’s all good! I-I actually work at Ralph Lauren! Melissa: Shut up! Rachel: I will not! I’m the divisional head of men’s sportswear! Melissa: Oh shut up more! Now, are you friends with Ralph? Rachel: Oh please… Melissa: (excitedly) Are you?! Rachel: No. Melissa: Listen, we-we have to have dinner. What-what are you doing tomorrow night? Rachel: Oh tomorrow, oh I don’t know. Um… Melissa: You do now. You’re having dinner with me. Rachel: Shut up. Melissa: I-I’ve got to go. This has been so great Ray-ray! (gn returns with her cigarettes.) Oh, there you are. (Takes them from gn.) (To Rachel) Umm, so listen, just call me. Here’s my card. (Hands the card over.) Rachel: Oh, wow thanks! (Reading the card) Oh you’re in real estate! Melissa: Oh no, that’s-that’s an old card. Umm, I wanted to get out of that and-and do something where I can really help people and-and make a difference. Rachel: Wow! What do you do now? Melissa: (quietly) I’m a party planner. I’ll see you tomorrow. (Exits.) Rachel: Okay! (Joins the rest of the gng.) Joey: Hey guys! Look who’s back! It’s Ray-ray! Rachel: Shut up, that was my friend Melissa from college. Ross: She seems really, really fun! Rachel: She’s actually very sweet and we used to be very close. Monica: Wait a minute, she isn’t… She’s not the one who you… Joey: (excitedly) Who you what? Who you what?! Rachel: (To Monica) Yes. Monica: Wow! Joey: (excitedly) Wow? Wow what?! Wow what?! Who you—what?!! Rachel: It’s not a big deal! Monica: (To Joey) They were lovers. Ross: What?! Joey: What?! Rachel: No we weren’t! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a party, had a lot of sangria and y’know, ended up…kissing for a bit. Ross: So that’s two of my wives. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is working on the seating chart while Chandler looks on and Rachel reads.] Monica: (telling Chandler the seating arrangement) Okay, so this is where the band is. (Points.) And this is where the bar is. (Points) And all these pins have people’s names on them. (She has pins to show the seating at each of the tables.) And Rach, here you are. (Points to Rachel’s place.) Rachel: Oh wow. Why don’t we just take me (Grabs her pin) and put me with a Manhattan in my hand, talking to the cute bartender. (Puts her pin at the bar and laughs. Monica just glares at her.) These pins aren’t for playing are they? Monica: (To Chandler) Okay, the red ones are my guests and the blue ones are yours. Chandler: This is so sad. I mean, I only have like ten pins. Monica: Chandler, relax it’s not a contest. (To Rachel) Certainly not a close one. Joey: (entering) Hello! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey Rach. (Stares at her.) Rachel: Stop picturing it!! Monica: Okay, I think that’s it. The seating chart is done. This is our wedding. They all look like they’re having fun don’t they? Joey: Hey, so where are my parents gonna be? Monica: Oh! (Gets up) Let’s see, well…if this is the wedding hall then umm (Walks away) you’re parents will be at home in Queens. Joey: What, they’re not invited?! Oh no, that’s terrible! They’re gonna be crushed! Monica: Why would they think they’re invited? Joey: (looking around) You got me. I don’t… Monica: Joey! Joey: Well, I’m sorry. I thought parents were coming! Y’know? Your parents are comin’! Chandler’s parents are comin’! Ross’s parents are comin’! Monica: Ross’s parents are my parents! Joey: Well-well—see? Parents are comin’! Chandler: Y’know I think we should invite them. Monica: Oh please, you just want more blue pins. Chandler: Well this is just sad! Monica: All right, all right. Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some rearranging. But uh, Rachel may actually have to sit at the bar! Rachel: That is not a problem. Joey: (leaning down to her) Maybe you’ll order a little sangria? Rachel: Oh, get out of here! (Jumps back and walks away.) [Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is showing Chandler the selection of tuxedos.] Rachel: (motioning to a rack) So now, these are all the tuxedos that we make and if there’s anything that you like, we can make you a deal. Anything at all. (Grabs a few) But these are the three that Monica pre-approved. Chandler: Well, thanks a lot for hookin’ me up Rach. I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest. Rachel: I’m Monica’s maid of honor. Okay? Don’t try to blue pin me! Chandler: (sees another rack) Well, what’s the deal with these? These-these look nice. Rachel: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then when they’re done with them they just send ‘em back. Chandler: You mean like for award shows? Rachel: Some of them. Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling, "Who are you wearing?! You look fabulous!" Rachel: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E!? Chandler: Okay, who wore those? (Points to the tuxedos.) Rachel: Umm, well let’s see uh, this one is Tom Brokaw. Chandler: Not bad. Rachel: (reading a tag) This one is uh Paul O’Neil. Chandler: Who’s that? Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs another tux) Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan! Chandler: Pierce Brosnan? Rachel: Uh-huh. Chandler: Are you serious? Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: 007?! This is James Bond’s tux?! Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: Oh, I have to get married in James Bond’s tux! Rachel: It’s a pretty cool tux. Chandler: Oh, it’s not just that, I would be England’s most powerful wapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty’s secret service. A man who fears no one; with a license to kll. (Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are moving chess pieces around on the board and hitting the timer at random.] Joey: We should really learn how to play the real way. (Moves another piece.) Phoebe: I like our way. Oh! (Grabs a piece and jumps a bunch of Joey’s like in Checkers.) Chess! Joey: Nice move. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: So Joey, I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding: do you need one? Joey: No, I’m performing the ceremony. I’m not wearing a tux. Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear? Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a hat. Rachel: Huh. Does Monica know about this? Joey: I don’t think so. Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her? (Joey nods yes.) Phoebe: Hey oh, Rach wait! Do you want to go to a movie tonight? Rachel: Oh, y’know what? I can’t. I have to have dinner with that Melissa girl. Joey: (excitedly) Can I come?! I won’t even talk! You’ll just hear the noise from my video camera. Phoebe: What is this? What’s going on? Joey: Oh good! Can I tell her?! Can I tell her?! Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey’s lewd version? Phoebe: Joey’s! Joey: Okay… Rachel: Hey, come on! I had this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake of telling Joey that one time…she and I y’know…kissed a little bit. Phoebe: (laughs) Yeah, I’m sure that happened. Rachel: It-it did! Phoebe: Sure! Joey: Hey. (Laughs, then seriously) It happened! Rachel: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For several minutes! Phoebe: (To Joey) Which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek. Joey: Why are you taking this away from me? Rachel: Yeah, why is it so hard for you to believe?! Phoebe: Okay! I just—I didn’t know that you are a lesbian. (Joey smiles and nods lewdly.) Rachel: I’m not saying that I’m a lesbian! I’m just saying that this happened! Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and you’re so—y’know so…vanilla. Rachel: (shocked) Vanilla?! Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: I’m not vanilla! I’ve done lots of crazy things! I mean I got-I got drunk and married in Vegas! Phoebe: To Ross. Rachel: All right, y’know what? If you don’t want to believe me about this, why don’t you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you. Phoebe: Okay! All right! Yeah! ‘Cause I just can’t picture it. Joey: Oh-ho, you should get inside my head. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch reading as Ross enters carrying a garment bag.] Ross: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding! (Holding up his garment bag.) Chandler: A freakish thin date with a hanger for her head? Ross: No. Rachel hooked me up with a tux! But not just any tux, Batman’s tux! Chandler: What? Ross: That’s right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the ht film…that Batman film he was in. Chandler: You can’t wear that! I’m wearing the famous tux! James Bond’s tux! Ross: So? Chandler: So—If you wear that you’ll make mine less special. Ross: Well, you need something to make this day special? Hello! You-you-you have the most special thing of all! You are marrying the woman you love. (Chandler mimics him.) Chandler: Please, don’t take away my cool thing. Please?! Pretty please?! Ross: Pretty please? Not very uh, 007. Chandler: Look, it’s my wedding day okay? If you were getting married I would never do anything to upset you. Ross: When I got married you slept with my sister. Chandler: That was pretty 007. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still working on the seating chart as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Oh good-good you’re here! All right, I figured it out. I’m gonna take two tables of eight, I’m gonna add your parents, and I’m gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals, we are good to go! Joey: Yeah, they’re not coming. Monica: (looking at him) What?! Joey: Somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me. They…feel a little unwanted. Monica: Oh that’s too bad. It’s true, but too bad. Joey: Look Mon, if you could just call my mom… Monica: Oh Joey! Joey: Come on! Look just-just tell—let her know that you really want them to be there. Let’s not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over the years. Monica: No she hasn’t. Joey: Is it her fault that some of them didn’t make it to you? Monica: Well, what am I going to say? Joey: I don’t know. Just uh, just tell ‘em it was a mix-up with the invitations, or—No-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And the Irish! But I don’t think you can blame it on them, so… (He dials the phone and hands it to Monica.) Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yeah, hi! Mrs. Tribbiani? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica Geller. (Listens) Yeah I’m just calling to say that Chandler and I uh, really hope you can make it to the wedding. Yeah, apparently a bunch of invitations that we sent weren’t delivered. Umm, I guess there was some screw up at the damn post office! (Joey nods his approval.) (Listens) T-Tell me about it! (Listens) Yeah, yeah, the US Post Office? No, more like US lost office! (Listens) What, are they Irish?! (Joey gives her a thumbs up.) [Scene: A restaurant, Melissa, Rachel, and Phoebe are talking.] Melissa: …anyway, his name is Allan and we’ve been going out for three years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh well. (Rachel and Phoebe politely laugh) And he was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse. Rachel: Oh. Oh, that’s great! Melissa: Hmm Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority? Phoebe: Of course! Yeah, I was uh, umm Thigh Mega Tampon. Melissa: What one? Phoebe: Yeah! Y’know, we were really huge too, but then they had to shut us down when Regina Philange died of alcohol poisoning. Melissa: Oh, isn’t a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch? (Phoebe agrees by grunting.) Rachel: (changing the subject) Anyway, speaking of drinking too much. I was uh, tellin’ Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where you and I uh, we made out. Melissa: (shocked) What? Rachel: Remember?! We—come on, we both had the sarongs on, and we had the-the coconut bikini tops… Melissa: Yeah? Rachel: …we went back to the house and we got really silly and we…we made out. Melissa: Oh wow, Ray-ray I have no idea what you’re talking about. Phoebe: Really?! Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch as Chandler disgustedly enters.] Chandler: Ross is Batman! Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time. Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond! Monica: What are you talking about?! 007 has all those gadgets! Chandler: Batman has a utility belt! Monica: 007 has a fancy car! Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile! Monica: 007 gets all the ladies. Chandler: Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get ESPN right? Monica: How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and I’ll make you a nice martini. Chandler: Actually, I don’t like martinis. Monica: How about a Youhoo with a funny straw? Chandler: Ooh, yum! (Runs into the bedroom.) Joey: (entering) Hey. Monica: Hey. Joey: Listen, I know the invitation says 6:00, but does that mean that you want people to get there at six, or the show is gonna start right at six? Monica: The show?! Joey: Right. Right. The wedding, gotcha. But I mean, it’s gonna start a little late right? I mean, weddings start late. Right? Monica: Have you ever been to one of my weddings? Joey: Ah. Yeah. Well look, the thing is it’s the same day as my niece’s christening and I really want my parents to be there in time to see me. ‘Cause my part’s just in the beginning I’m not even in the rest of the show—Wedding! Monica: The wedding starts at six. Joey: Okay. Okay, I totally hear ya. Oo how about this? I vamp a little ‘til they get there? Monica: You’ll vamp?! Joey: Yeah! Yeah y’know, like warm up the crowd. Ask ‘em where they’re from. ‘Cause in Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an entertainer. I’m a minis-tainer! (Rapping) There is no-one better! There is no-one greater! [Scene: The restaurant, continued from earlier.] Rachel: How can you not remember us kissing?! Melissa: I don’t know. I don’t remember a lot of things that never happened. Rachel: Wh… Come on! Remember? We were on the sleeping porch! We couldn’t stop giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin’ together? Phoebe: Oh, somewhere Joey’s head is exploding. Rachel: Yeah—but come on—Listen, I’m sorry I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesn’t believe me. Melissa: I’m sorry Ray-ray. I mean if I thought it happened I would say it. Maybe I passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping. Rachel: No!! Phoebe: Rachel, it’s okay. You don’t have to do this. I believe you. All right? Okay, if-if you say that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa. Rachel: Thank you Phoebe. Melissa: She didn’t. Phoebe: I know. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are working on the seating chart as Ross enters carrying his tux around.] Ross: Hey! Monica: You just carry that around? Ross: Yes. I find it to be something of a conversation piece. Monica: Between you and… Ross: gn. (To Chandler) Hey-hey! Why don’t we put them on? Y’know get a picture of Batman and James Bond together. Chandler: I would but mine doesn’t fit. The pants are a little tight. Monica: A little tight? I could see double-oh and seven in those pants. Ross: Well that stinks. I was looking forward to us wearing our celebrity tuxes together. Chandler: Well, does that mean that you’re not going to be wearing yours? Ross: What, are you kidding? It’s Batman’s tux!! Chandler: (standing up) Let me try it on! Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin’ in there. Chandler: (trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman! (Finds something in the pocket) What’s this? Ross: What? Chandler: An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didn’t wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy! Ross: Let me see that! (Grabs the invitation and reads it.) Oh man! Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell. (Hands him the jacket and walks away.) Joey: (entering) Hey! Uh, Monica? Chandler? Can I talk to you guys for a second? Monica: All right that’s it, I give up! Whatever you want you can have it! You wanna sing a song? You wanna do a dance? You want your mom to stand at the altar and scream racial slurs? I don’t care! Joey: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents, that was really sweet. They’re so happy they get to be a part of your special day. Monica: (defeated) Oh. Chandler: Well, you’re welcome. And tell them we’re really glad they’re coming. Joey: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! (Runs to his apartment and returns wearing a rather silly hat.) Huh? I wear it like this when I marry you guys, and then this (He tilts it to the side of his head) is for party time. [Scene: Outside the restaurant, Melissa, Phoebe, and Rachel are emerging.] Rachel: It happened! I am telling you it happened! Melissa: Okay. (To Phoebe) Well, it was great meeting you. And uh Rachel, I-I don’t think I’ll be calling you (hails a cab) because umm, y’know you’ve gotten weird. (The cab pulls up.) Take care you guys. (She’s about to get in when…) Rachel: What?! Wait a minute! No wait a minute! (She does so.) Okay? Look, that night was the one wild thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I’m not gonna let you take that away from me! Okay, so if you don’t remember that, maybe you will remember this! (She grabs Melissa and kisses her on the lips.) Melissa: My God! You love me! Rachel: (shocked) What? Melissa: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts knockin’ together I… (Phoebe is shocked.) I just didn’t want to tell you ‘cause I didn’t think that you’d return my love, and now that you have… (Leans in to kiss Rachel.) Rachel: (moving away) Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Melissa: Aww, look who’s being suddenly shy. You can’t tell me you don’t feel what I feel. Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it. (Goes in again.) Rachel: (moves away again) I-I-I-I’m just…I’m just a good kisser! Melissa: (suddenly frightened) Shut up! Rachel: I’m sorry! Melissa: (laughs) Oh you don’t have to be (Laughs again) sorry. I’m…I’m obviously kidding. I’m not in love with you. (To Phoebe) I’m not in love with her. I don’t hear coconuts banging together. Yeah, I don’t…picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go. Eh…kiss good-bye? (Rachel stares at her stunned.) No? Okay. (Hurries into the cab and drives off.) Rachel: Wow! I mean I had no idea that that was gonna… (Suddenly, Phoebe leans in and kisses her on the lips!) Rachel: What the hell was that?! Phoebe: I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Rachel: And? Phoebe: I’ve had better. Ending Credits [Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is hooking Chandler up with another tuxedo.] Chandler: (yelling from the changing room) All right! I found one that fits! Rachel: Well y’know what they say, the 23rd time’s the charm. (Chandler enters.) Aww, look at you all handsome! Chandler: Whose is it? Rachel: Oh does it matter?! All that matters is that you look so handsome. Chandler: Whose is it? Rachel: I don’t want to say. Chandler: Oh, come on! I don’t care! Come on! Whose is it? Rachel: Diane Keaton. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x20 - The One With Rachel\u2019s Big Kiss"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Episodes Originally Transcribed by: Eric Aasen, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, and guineapig. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is at the kitchen table and Chandler is in the living room.] Monica: Do you realize that four weeks from today we’re getting married? Four weeks baby!! Four weeks!!! Chandler: Do you realize you get louder each week? Monica: There’s still so much to do. Have you written your vows yet? Chandler: I figured I’d buy those. Pat, I’d like to buy a vow. (Laughs) Monica: Sweetie, you know I have no sense of humor when it comes to the wedding. Chandler: Right. So uh, have you written yours yet? Monica: No! But I know exactly what I’m going to say. Chandler: Do you happen to know what I’m going to say? Monica: (handing him a pad of paper and a pen) Let’s just do it right now. Okay? It won’t be hard. Just say what’s in your heart. (She goes back, sits down, and starts feverishly writing.) Chandler: (watching in her) (in his head) Look at her go! She must love me more than I love her! What’s wrong with me? Ooh, don’t open that door. Opening Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is getting help writing his vows from Joey and Ross.] Chandler: (writing) Monica, there are no words… (To Joey and Ross) There are no words! This should not be this hard! Joey: All right, uh… (To Ross) Oh hey, you’ve done this before Ross, well what did you say when you made up your vows? Ross: Well with Carol, I promised never to love another woman until the day I die. She made no such promise. Chandler: I’m so pathetic! Monica knows what she wants to say! You should’ve seen her. Writing, writing, writing! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has ht a writer’s block as Rachel and Phoebe enter.] Rachel: Monica what? Phoebe: What?! Rachel: What is the emergency?! Monica: You have to help me! I’m supposed to be writing my vows and all I have is this! (Shows them what she’s been working on.) Rachel: Well, I like the pretty little drawing of you in the wedding dress. Monica: Thank you. Phoebe: Yeah, except your breasts look kinda small. (Points.) Monica: Those are my eyes! Those are my breasts. (Points.) Phoebe: Oh! Yeah! (Monica glares at her.) [Cut to the guys.] Ross: Well, why don’t you just start with something simple. Like umm, Monica from the moment I met you, I knew I loved you. Chandler: Yeah, I’m not sure I can do that. [Flashback to when Chandler was introduced to Monica in The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks.] Ross: ...everyone, this is Chandler! Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister. Chandler: (seeing her) Okay. [Cut to the girls.] Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Umm, maybe you can start with, "Chandler, even though we were friends; there was a part of me that always knew I wanted more." [Flashback to The One With The Jellyfish, Chandler and Monica are lying on the beach.] Chandler: All right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, I’m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me? Monica: Ennnh. [Cut back to the girls.] Monica: Ooh, are we allowed to lie in the vows?! Phoebe: Well maybe you don’t talk about your feelings back then. Maybe you just say something about, y’know, all the things that he’s taught you. Like… (They all try to think about one example and don’t succeed.) Or all the things you taught him. [Flashback to The One With Phoebe's Uterus, Monica is teaching Chandler how to turn a woman on. They're in Monica and Rachel's apartment and Monica has just drawn a diagram of a woman.] Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there’s more than three), five, six, and seven! Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?! (Points to one) That’s one? Monica: It’s kind of an important one! Chandler: Oh, y’know-y’know what, I was looking at it upside down. Rachel: Well, y’know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that could’ve meant.) Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7 …7..…7…7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7…(mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the couch satisfied.) [Cut to the guys.] Joey: Oh, I got it! How about saying something like, "Monica… Chandler: (writing) Monica… Joey: "…when I look back over our time together…" Chandler: (writes what Joey said and waits for him to go on) Yeah? Joey: Well, I can’t do everything! Look back over your time together. [This starts a series of flashbacks beginning with Monica and Chandler in the waiting room in The One With the Birth.] Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute. Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two? Chandler: You'll get one. Monica: Oh yeah? When? Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one? Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40? Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically. Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40? Chandler: No, no, no. Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriageable about me? Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh. Monica: Well? Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in) [Cut to Ross leaping into Chandler’s Hotel room in London in The One With Ross’s Wedding.] Ross: (Screaming) I’m getting married today!! Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door.) Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.) [Cut to Chandler opening the door to his and Joey’s apartment to reveal Monica standing there with a turkey on her head in The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks.] Chandler: Nice try. Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.) Chandler: Look, Monica… Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.) Chandler: This is not going to work. Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.) Chandler: You are so great! I love you! (Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.) Monica: What? Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking! Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this! Chandler: No I didn't! Monica: Yes, you did! Chandler: No I didn't! Monica: You love me! Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! (Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.) [Cut to Chandler trying to hint to Monica that he wanted to move in with her in The One After Vegas.] Chandler: Y’know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here? Monica: Then all your stuff would be here. Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here? Monica: Then you’d be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn’t make any sense. Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I’m saying? [Cut to Chandler entering his and Monica’s apartment in The One With The Proposal.] (He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.) Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise. (He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.) Chandler: Oh my God. (Monica gets down on one knee.) Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this! Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! I'll do it! Oh God, I thought… (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me? Monica: Yes. (The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.) Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We’re dying out here! Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We’re engaged!!! (Everyone screams and has a group hug.) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch as Joey and Ross enter.] Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey, what have you guys been up to? Ross: Oh, we were helping Chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out because Joey kept making inappropriate suggestions. Joey: How is "Monica, I love your sweet ass," inappropriate? Ross: How’s Monica coming along with her vows? Phoebe: Well let’s just say its.. she’s lucky she has a sweet ass, ‘cause she’s not so good at the writing. Ross: I can’t believe that in four weeks they’re gonnta be married! Phoebe: Well let’s just hope it works. Y’know, nine out of ten marriages end in divorce? Ross: Phoebe that’s not true. Phoebe: Yeah, you’re right. How’s the Mrs.? Rachel: I can’t believe they’ve been together for three years. Joey: (shocked) Has it been that long?! Ross: Believe me, it seems like less because they hid it from us for so long. [Flashback to Joey interrupting a bath Monica and Chandler are sharing in The One With All The Kissing. Monica dives underwater as Joey opens the door.] (They move into a kiss but are interrupted by Joey knocking on the door.) Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in! (Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what Chandler's doing.) Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day. Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some? Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then. Joey: Okay. (Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.) Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken. Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken. Chandler: Hey Joe! (Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.) Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some coleslaw, some beans, and a Coke—(Yelps in pain as Monica grabs him underwater)—Diet Coke. (Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.) [Cut back to Central Perk.] Rachel: I don’t know why they didn’t just tell us. Joey: I know! I mean it’s not like we weren’t cool about it. [This starts a series of flashbacks starting with Monica and Chandler forcing Joey to keep his new-found knowledge of their secret relationship in Monica’s bedroom in The One With All the Kips.] Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?! Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows! Joey: How?! When?! Chandler: It happened in London. Joey: IN LONDON!!! Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone! (They both grab him and stop him.) Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't! Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell. (Joey thinks it over.) Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! [Cut to Rachel listening to a phone conversation between Chandler and Monica in The One With All the Resolutions.] Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours. Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.) Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big… Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around wondering what to do.) [Cut to Phoebe in Ross’s new apartment looking at Monica and Chandler and what they’re about to do in The One Where Everybody Finds Out.] Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!! Rachel: What?! Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!! Rachel: Oh my God! Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!! Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!! Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!! Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!! Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW! Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!! Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know, so you have to stop screaming!! Ross: (entering) What's going on? Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!! Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi! Ross: What?! What?! Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment! Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.) Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.) (Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.) [Cut to later in that episode in Central Perk, a meeting with Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey where they discuss Chandler and Monica.] Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know, and they don't know that Rachel knows? Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over! Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own [Cut to later in that episode. Rachel and Phoebe are going to a movie from Monica and Chandler’s, and as Phoebe walks by Chandler she pinches him on the butt and exits.] Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie. Monica: Bye! All: Bye! Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.) Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!! Monica: Actually, I did! Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me? Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us! [Cut to later in that episode. Monica and Chandler are confronting Joey in his apartment about Phoebe’s knowledge.] Chandler: Phoebe knows about us! Joey: Well I didn't tell them! Monica: Them?! Who's them? Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey. Monica: Joey! Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell! Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But, see, they don't know that we know that they know! So… Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messees! [Cut to later in that episode. Phoebe is telling Rachel in Monica and Chandler’s that Chandler wants to make a date with Phoebe.] Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more! Rachel: Are you kidding?! Phoebe: No! Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know? Joey: No. Rachel: Joey! Joey: They know you know. Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two! Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything! Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted to. [Cut to later in that episode. Chandler is in his bathroom with Monica, and he’s panicking on how far Phoebe is pushing him.] Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her! Monica: She's bluffing! Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.) [Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.] Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion. Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open. Joey: Ooh! Rachel: Okay! Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.) Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons. Joey: It's not my first time. [Cut to the bathroom.] Monica: You go back out there, and you seduce her till she cracks! Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here? Monica: Of course. [Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.] Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going? Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra. Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very happy we're gonna have all the sex. Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now. Chandler: Not if I kiss you first. (They move closer together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her waist, but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.) Phoebe: Ooh. Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss. Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss. (They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.) Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya! Phoebe: And why not?! Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!! Phoebe: You're-you're what?! (Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.) Chandler: Love her! That's right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica. Monica: I love you too, Chandler. (They kiss.) Phoebe: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love! Joey: So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows! Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't. Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet. [Cut to later in that episode. Ross is showing his boss his new place.] Ross: (He notices something through the window.) No! No! Wh… What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Joey and Ross are talking.] Phoebe: Y’know, you’re friend’s getting married, it’s gotta change things. Rachel: You really think it would be that different? Phoebe: How could it not be? I mean pretty soon they’re gonna be having kids, and then they’re just gonna be hanging out with other couples who have kids. And then maybe they’re gonna have to leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership. Rachel: Well, things change. Joey: I don’t want them to move to a Volvo dealership! Ross: It’ll be okay Joe. Joey: I’m sorry, I just…I like things the way they are. [Flashback to the gng in Central Perk in The One Where Nana Dies Twice, they’re all going through an old photo album.] Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy? Ross: That little naked guy would be me. Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing. Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now? Chandler: Who are those people? Ross: Got me. Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gng at Java Joe's'. Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there? Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25? Ross: Looks like a fun gng. (They all look at each other and smile) Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked! Ross: (looking) No-no, that would be me again. [Cut back to Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are entering.] Monica: Hey, you guys! Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Hey. Chandler: What’s going on? Rachel: Well, we were just talkin’ about you guys gettin’ married and how great it is. Joey: Yeah, you can get a Volvo. If that’s what you really want. Monica: Oh that’s so sweet. Chandler: So we both finished our vows. Phoebe: Oh! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Oh, can we read them? Monica: Yeah, I don’t hear Chandler’s and he doesn’t hear mine. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. (They spilt into their sexes and the girls read Monica’s and the guys read Chandler’s. The girls gasp and groan and the guys laugh hysterically. Phoebe: (To Monica) Oh, that’s beautiful. Joey: (To Chandler) (laughing) Funny one! That’s good! Rachel: (To Monica) Monica, will-will you marry me? (Ross laughs.) Joey: What? I don’t get it. (Ross points to the explanation and he gets it.) Ross: (To Chandler) Oh man, this is hilarious. Monica: Chandler!! Chandler: Don’t worry honey, we’ll make yours funnier. Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Joey are reading Chandler’s new vows.] Chandler: Okay, what do you guys think? Ross: (quietly) Dude! Joey: (starting to cry) I have never known love like this. Chandler: You really like it? Ross: Dude! How-how did you write this? Chandler: I stole Monica’s and changed the name. Ross: You can’t do that! Joey: If he goes first he can! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x21 - The One With The Vows"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Story by: Greg Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around the kitchen table as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I’d take that bad boy out for a little spin. Rachel: Wait a minute! (To Monica) You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you’re the only one who’s allowed to drive it. Monica: Yeah, well he’s my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it. Ross: It’s a car Monica! Not a rocket ship! Monica: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you’re done. Joey: (entering) Hey! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin’ good. When do I get to take that baby out again? Rachel: (shocked) You let Joey drive it?! Phoebe: I’ve never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it all the time. Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the y’know, "You can drive it, but don’t tell Rachel" plan! Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe you lied to me. Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding. (Rachel glares at her.) Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won’t let you drive the Porsche is because you’re a terrible driver. There! That wasn’t about the wedding. Ross: Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I’ll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block. Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours? Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross enters with all his hair sticking straight up.] Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride! Rachel: Take the top down did ya? Ross: Only way to fly. (Rachel laughs.) Rachel: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she’s talking about! I am an excellent driver! Ross: You’re fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver. Rachel: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader. (A woman walks by and smiles at Ross’s hair.) Ross: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must’ve seen me cruising in the bad boy. Rachel: I think she’s checking out your beehive Ross. Ross: What?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a brush. Rachel: Gimme the keys! Ross: No way! Rachel: Well no brush! Ross: Fine! Y’know what? It doesn’t matter, because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom. (He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.) Rachel: (to the woman) Alimony. (Runs outside.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.] Monica: Chandler, we still haven’t gotten an RSVP from your dad. Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that’s because I didn’t send him an invitation. Monica: Chandler! He’s your father; he should be at the wedding. Chandler: I don’t even know the man. Okay? We’re not that close. I haven’t seen him in years. Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn’t even asked?! Chandler: Well he doesn’t have to know! It’s not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas. Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles. Chandler: Trust me, you don’t want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress. Monica: So what! As long as he’s not wearing a white dress and a veil I don’t care. Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. (Gets up and leaves.) [Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.] Rachel: Ahhh! (Gets in.) Ooh, nice! (Suddenly from out of nowhere Ross dives onto the hood.) Rachel: My God! Ross: What do you think you’re doing?! Rachel: Just washing the windshield. (She turns on the wipers forcing Ross off of the hood.) Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don’t you just hand over the keys? Rachel: Oh. {Transcriber’s Note: She puts the key into the ignition, which is on the left side of the steering wheel. Does anyone know why that is? It’s a tradition left over from Porsche’s racing history. The world’s greatest endurance race is the 24 Hours of LeMans. Which is in France and runs for 24 hours straight from noon on Saturday through the dark of night and finishes at noon on Sunday. In the 60s LeMans had a unique start where the drivers would actually start the race outside of the car and across the track. At the start of the race, the drivers would run across the track, get in the car, buckle up, start the car, and drive off. Porsche wanted to reduce the amount of time that took. Since all cars to that point had the ignition switches on the right side of the steering wheel, that required the drivers to use their right hand to grab the seat-belts, put the car in gear and start it. The driver’s left hand did nothing. Porsche in order to save a few seconds in a 24-hour race; moved the ignition switches to the left side of the steering wheel so that the driver could start the car with his left hand while grabbing the seat-belts with his right hand. That’s why every Porsche car built since then has the ignition on the left side of the steering wheel.} Ross: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! (She starts the car.) Okay! Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now! (He looks for the twenty Rachel stole and doesn’t find it.) Rachel: Look Ross, if you’re so freaked out, just get in the car! Ross: With you?! Yeah right! Rachel: All right. (She starts off.) Ross: (grabbing the car) Okay! Okay! Okay! (He gets in, but into the back seat.) Rachel: What are you doing?! Get in the front! Ross: In the death seat?!! Rachel: Oh my… (They drive off.) [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are on the couch as a man enters.] Man: Hey guys! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Hey sweetie! Man: Ready to go? Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica’s. I’ll be right back. (She goes to get it.) Man: (stopping her) Wait a minute! Phoebe: What? (He leans in to kiss her.) Oh. (They kiss and Phoebe pauses.) Ooh. (Pause) Whoa! That one kept going. (Exits.) Joey: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out? Man: Over a month. Joey: Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better. Man: Sure, I’d like that. Joey: So uh, what’s your name? Man: (laughs) It's Jake. Joey: Joey. (They shake hands.) Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks? Jake: Yeah, big fan. Joey: Me too! There’s a game on Tuesday, do you wanna go? Jake: Yeah that would be great! Let me make sure I’m not doing anything Tuesday. (He bends over to open his bag, when he does so his pants slide down his butt revealing a pink lace secret.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of luggage.] Monica: Here! (She sets a bag down in front of him.) Chandler: What’s this? Monica: It’s your suitcase. We’re going to Las Vegas. Chandler: Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers—Think of the money we’ll save!! (Monica just looks at him.) We’re not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please? Monica: We’re going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It’s time you two talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law. Chandler: Y’know we already went over this and I won! Monica: No you didn’t. Oh and honey, just so you know, now that you’re marrying me, you don’t get to win anymore. Chandler: Look forget it okay? I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see him. I don’t wanna. Monica: Chandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know… Chandler: No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you’d have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. Y’know it’s hard enough to be fourteen. You’re skinny. You’re wearing speedos—That your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the stands and there’s your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. He was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack! Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at every one of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Okay? That’s a, that’s a pretty great dad. Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi! Monica: Who’s Mr. Garibaldi? Chandler: Does it matter?! Monica: Chandler, you’re not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe it’s time that you let that stuff go. If your father’s not at your wedding…you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Chandler: Yeah o-okay, but I’m just doing this for you. Monica: Yes! Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore? Monica: How much did ever really win before? [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Joey enters.] Joey: Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when you’re wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear? Phoebe: Yeah! Joey: Well, when Jake did it I saw that…he was wearing women’s underwear! Phoebe: I know. They were mine. Joey: Oh. (Laughs.) No! No wait, that’s weird! Phoebe: No, it’s not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on. Joey: That’s weird! Phoebe: I’m wearing his briefs right now. Joey: That’s…kinda hot. Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick. Joey: Yeah, I wouldn’t know about that. Phoebe: And! Y’know what Jake says? That women’s underwear is actually more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin. Joey: Yeah well next thing you know, he’ll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture! Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! I’m thinking even more than you. Joey: Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink lacys. Phoebe: I’m just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women’s underwear! I don’t think you could ever do that. Joey: Hey! I am secure with my masculinity. Phoebe: Okay, whatever. Joey: You’ve seen my huge stack of prn, right? (Phoebe nods.) [Scene: The Porsche, Rachel is driving along a highway and Ross has finally moved to the death seat and is terrified.] Rachel: God. I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my license renewed. Ross: (shocked) You don’t have a valid driver’s license—Okay that is it! Pull over right now! Rachel: Oh Ross you’re so tense! You just gotta relax, okay? Just need to relax all right? Just need to relax… (She takes her hands off of the wheel.) Ross: (grabbing the wheel) What-what are you doing?! Are you—Okay that’s not funny! Just stop horsing around! Rachel: I am not horsing around, okay? I am Porsching around. (Suddenly a siren goes off behind them.) Rachel: Uh-oh. (She starts to pull over.) Ross: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that much trouble. Rachel: Really? You think so? Ross: I was talking to myself! You’re going down! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks past a pile of Rachel’s laundry, which just happens to include a selection of panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong, and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesn’t like his selection and goes back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along the way to prove his masculinity.] [Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shts of Vegas and the strip before we arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the show to start. A Waiter in Drag: (to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet? Monica: Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. (To Chandler) She? (To the waiter) I’m-I’m sorry I’m new. I don’t… Waiter in Drag: (To Chandler) Hm-mmm? Chandler: Yeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds the table.) Waiter in Drag: You’re straight. I get it. (Walks away.) Monica: I still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better seats. Chandler: No! No! I don’t want him to know we’re here yet! I’m not sure I’m ready for that. And besides, he’s not gonna be too happy to see me either. Monica: Why not?! Chandler: I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but he’s kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years Monica: What?! Chandler: Yeah, he’s made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y’know it’s all very Cats in the Cradle—I don’t want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go. Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket! (There’s applause as Helena turns around and it’s Kathleen Turner.) Helena: Hello darlings. Chandler: And there’s daddy! Commercial Break [Scene: The Porsche, they have pulled over and are waiting for the cop to come talk to them.] Rachel: Okay. Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I’ll go under, you go over! Ross: Yeah, I’ll get right on that. Rachel: Oh come on Ross!! (She tries to switch places with him and goes under his leg.) Ross: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I’m sure we won’t get arrested for this. (She sits back up as the policeman approaches. She undoes her top button.) Rachel: (sexily) Hi officer, was I going a little too fast? Ross: Oh my God. Policeman: Can I see your license please? Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! Y’know, it’s weird uh, but I had a dream last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh…well I probably shouldn’t tell you the rest. Policeman: Your license? Rachel: (handing it to him) Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome. Policeman: That’s Hanson. Rachel: Oops sorry, my mistake. Ross: Dear Lord!! Policeman: Wow! Ross: Here it comes. Policeman: This is a great picture. Rachel: Really?! You think so? Y’know, I had just rolled out of bed. Policeman: Yeah? Well you look phenomenal. Ross: Well she should, it was taken ten years ago! Rachel: Y’know you’re-you’re probably wondering about the old date on there. Policeman: Yes I am. Rachel: Yeah. Policeman: You’re an Aquarius, huh? Rachel: I bet you’re a Gemini. Policeman: Nope. Rachel: Taurus? Policeman: Nope. Rachel: Virgo? Policeman: Nope. Rachel: Sagittarius? Policeman: Yep. Rachel: I knew it! I knew it, ahh…. Policeman: Well I tell you what… Rachel: Yeah? Policeman: You’re not gonna speed anymore right? Rachel: I won’t speed. Policeman: And you promise you’ll get this taken care of right away? Rachel: I promise. Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license? Rachel: Yeah! Policeman: Can he handle the stick? Rachel: Oh well… Ross: I can handle the stick!! [Scene: 4 Queens Club, Helena Handbasket is singing.] Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and…(She holds the mike out to the audience.) All: Gay! Monica: That can’t be your father. Chandler: Believe me, I’ve been saying that for years. Oh my God! Monica: What? Chandler: That’s Mr. Garibaldi playing the piano. Helena: (singing) For I’m loved by a pretty wonderful boy! (Applause.) Hello! And welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars in the audience. And a couple of irregulars. (He starts going into the audience.) Chandler: He’s coming into the audience. He’s coming into the audience. Monica: Relax! You’ll be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table light.) Oh much better. You’re invisible now. Helena: (standing at a table and asking the guy sitting there) Where are you from? Guy: Bakersfield. Helena: I’m sorry? (Holds out the mike.) Guy: Bakersfield! Helena: No-no I heard! I’m just sorry. Chandler: It can’t happen like this. Okay? I’ll meet you back at the hotel. (He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.) Helena: (to Chandler’s back) Oh look, a standing ovation already! So early in the show. Oh turn around honey; let me see your pretty face. (He slowly turns around. Helena recognizes him.) Monica: Can we have our drinks please?! Waiter—Uh, tress! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.] Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.) Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he’s got panties on.) How much of a man am I?! Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut. Joey: Y’know, I’m beginning to see what Jake was talking about. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Joey: The silk? Feels really good! Phoebe: Huh. Joey: Yeah! And-and things aren’t as…smashed down as I thought they were gonna be. Phoebe: That’s great Joe! Joey: Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with men’s underwear! Phoebe: Uh-huh. Joey: Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! You’ve got cotton, silk, lace! And y’know what I’ve always wondered about? Phoebe: Hmm? Joey: Pantyhose! Y’know? The way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here… (He mimed that and stops when he realizes he went too far.) I should go take these off shouldn’t I? Phoebe: I think it’s important that you do. (Joey agrees and heads to take them off.) [Scene: 4 Queens Club, scene continued from earlier.] Helena: So what’s your name? Chandler: (resigning himself to his fate) Chandler. (He quickly sits down.) Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You must’ve had terribly fascinating parents. Chandler: Oh, they’re a hoot. Helena: (To Monica) And who is your friend? Monica: I’m-I’m Monica. Helena: Monica! Where are you from? Monica: New York. Helena: I’m not very fond of New York. Queens I like. (Noticing Monica’s ring.) Ooh, what is this sparkle something! (Shows the audience who woos.) Honey! Huh? Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged. Helena: Really?! Congratulations. When’s the big day? Monica: (looks at Chandler) In…in two weeks. Helena: (disappointed) I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. (To a bald guy.) So you’re bald? Chandler: Wait! Wait! We’d really love it if you could be there. Helena: We? (Looks at Monica who nods.) Chandler: I know it would make me happy, ma’am. Helena: Well I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Oh! I’m getting all misty here! You’d think I was having my legs waxed or something. (Goes back on stage.) Monica: (To Chandler) You okay? Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this. Helena: Before we go on with the show, I just want to say to the bride and groom how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall. Fortunately, in my life… (Four guys wearing rubber boots, shorts, hats, and nothing else carrying umbrellas run onto the stage.) (Singing) It’s raining men! The Chorus Line: Hallelujah! Helena: It’s raining men! The Chorus Line: Amen! Chandler: (To Monica) When I was growing up I…played the one on the far left. [Scene: The Porsche, cars are whizzing by and honking their horns on both sides very quickly as Ross creeps along.] Rachel: Remind me to introduce you to someone! Ross: Who? Rachel: Fourth gear!! (Suddenly a siren goes off.) Ross: What?! What does he want?! I wasn’t doing anything! Rachel: Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two o’clock position. Ross: Maybe it’s uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more! (They pull over.) Rachel: It’s a different guy! (The policeman walks up.) Ross: Good evening officer. Policeman: Do you know how fast you were traveling back there? Ross: Ah no. I don’t, but it could not have been more than sixty. Policeman: You’re right. It was 37. (Rachel laughs.) Ross: I mean you’re not gonna give me a-a ticket for driving too slow are ya? Policeman: That’s right. (There’s a pause as Ross gets suddenly flirtatious.) Ross: Y’know of-officer I uh…I had the weirdest dream last night… Rachel: Oh my God! Policeman: Your license please. Ross: (laughs) You don’t-you don’t want to hear about my dream Officer…Pretty? Policeman: It’s Petty. (He grabs Ross’s license.) I’ll be right back with your ticket. (Walks back to his car.) Rachel: (pause) You have a son! Ross: I know. I know. Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is returning from having removed Rachel’s panties.] Phoebe: Feel better? Joey: Yeah! Much! Listen uh, not that I’m y’know insecure about my manhood or anything y’know, but I think I need to hook up with a woman like right now. Phoebe: Yeah, I understand. Joey: Yeah! Okay! (He notices a beautiful woman sitting behind the couch and goes to talk to her.) Hey! Hi! Woman: Hi! Joey: Y’know, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere? Woman: I don’t think so. Joey: Oh! Maybe it’s because I’m on television. I’m an actor on Days of Our Lives. Woman: Wow! Joey: Yeah. Woman: Really?! Joey: Hm-mmm. Waitress: (to the woman) $4.50 please. Joey: Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x22 - The One With Chandler\u2019s Dad"}	foreverdreaming
Part I Written by: Greg Malins Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.] Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time we’ll all be here in the coffee house as six single people? Phoebe: Why?! What’s happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.) Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the mrs. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain. Monica: Old? Chandler: The young hot ball and chain. Monica: That’s much better. Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.) Ross: Oh, where are you guys going? Monica: We’re gonna pick up the wedding dress, then we’re gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.) Ross: Ah. Joey, you’re-you’re having lunch with my mom? Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.) Ross: (To Chandler) Y’know what? Actually I’m kinda glad they’re leaving ‘cause uh, I need to talk to you about something. Chandler: What’s up? Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward. Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I’m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night. Ross: No, its…Its not that. Umm, now what I’m going to say to you, I’m not saying as your friend. Okay? I’m-I’m saying as it as Monica’s older brother. Chandler: But you’re still my friend? Ross: Not for the next few minutes. Chandler: During this time…are you, are you still my best man? Ross: Nope. Chandler: Do I still call you Ross? Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica’s older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? I’m-I’m-I’m serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) Come—Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I’m-I’m not kidding here! Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning. Ross: No problem. Chandler: So are we…friends again? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me! Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the girls are having breakfast.] Rachel: What‘cha doing Mon? Monica: I’m making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared. Phoebe: What are they? Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my bridesmaids' dresses won’t get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don’t have my something blue. Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things I’m responsible for! Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach. Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn’t get the part? Rachel: The commercial? Joey: No! Phoebe: That play? Joey: No! Monica: That other play? Joey: Nooo! Phoebe: The movie? Joey: Yes!! Phoebe: Ohh! Joey: Yes, that’s the one about the soldiers who fight in World wr I! Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then y’know, we called it the Great wr. It really was! Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start sh*ting today! Phoebe: Congratulations! Rachel: Oh that’s great! Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t start today! Today’s the rehearsal dinner! Joey: Oh no, I’ll be done by then. Monica: Oh. Well then way to go, you big movie star! Joey: I know! All right, I’ll see you guys over there! I’m off to fight the nzi. Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the nzi in World wr II, not World wr I. Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World wr I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.) Phoebe: Go ahead. Rachel: You’re gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.) Monica: Who did we fight in World wr I? Rachel: Mexico? Phoebe: Yes! Very good. [Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table. He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some cookies.] The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! We’re ready. Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.) The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? We’re ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby, he’s playing Vincent. Joey: I’m doing my scenes with you? Richard: Nice to meet you Joey. Joey: Wow! I can’t believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar! Richard: No I didn’t. Joey: I think you did. Richard: I think I lost. Three times. Joey: Uh…Cookie? The Director: (approaching) Okay! We’re about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys don’t mind, can we run it a couple of times? Richard: Yeah, sure. The Director: Okay, all right. Let’s do it. (He walks off.) And…Action! Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon! Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.) Joey: (wiping his face) What?! Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dad! Face facts Tony! Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food! Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta! (Joey wipes his eye.) The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong? Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uh…I th—I thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Y’know? He’s uh, he’s a face toucher. (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.) The Director: I don’t think so. Let’s take it back to Richard’s last line. (Walks off.) Action! Richard: We may not have any wapon, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.] Monica: Honey, we gotta go! Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here’s a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces. Monica: (laughs) I don’t have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does. Chandler: Yes, include more people in this. Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we’ll be getting married? Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night. Monica: I just, I can’t believe that we made it! Chandler: Well you don’t have to sound so surprised. Monica: I’m sorry but…nothing. Chandler: What? Monica: Well…honestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to.. to flip you out. Chandler: Honestly? Me too. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yeah. Y’know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I’ll go all…Chandler. But nothing has. Monica: Ohh, I’m so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean it’s really, it’s made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.) I coulda been worse! Chandler: Okay. I’ll be right there. (She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.) Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If you’re calling before Saturday, you’ve reached Monica and Chandler. But if you’re calling after Saturday, you’ve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings! (Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.) [Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.] Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen. Chandler: We’re the Bings. (Phoebe and Rachel walk up.) Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful! Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.) Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler. Monica: What is that? Ross: Well I…I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.) Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.) (Chandler’s Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.) Chandler: Hi. Mrs. Bing: Chandler! Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She’s wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.) Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there’ll be lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.) (Monica and her parents walk up.) Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller. Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) It’s lovely to meet you. Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father? Mrs. Geller: Jack! Mr. Geller: What?! I’ve never seen one before! Monica: Dad! There’s Ross (points), why don’t you go talk to him? (Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.) Mr. Geller: I didn’t even have a chance to act as though I’m okay with it! Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all! Chandler: Hi…dad. Monica: Hi Mr.…Bing. Mr. Bing: Nora! Mrs. Bing: Charles. Monica: It-it’s so great to see you both here. Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren’t you a little old to be wearing a dress like that? Mrs. Bing: Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that? Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.) [Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.] Mr. Geller: …of course you can kick his ass son. Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyone’s ass you want to. Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.) [Cut to Monica.] Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would you talk to Chandler’s dad and try to keep him away from Chandler’s mom? Rachel: Yeah! But I don’t know what he looks like! Monica: He is the man in the black dress. Rachel: Man in the black dress… (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! I’m Rachel! I’m a friend of Monica and Chandler’s! Woman: I’m Amanda. Rachel: Oh I get it! A…man…duh! Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyone’s attention please? I’m uh; I’m Ross Geller. Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller. Ross: Dad…dad, please! As I was saying umm, I’m Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and I’m the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she’s the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you’d all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple we’re here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings. All: To the Bings! (Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.] Monica: All right, I’m gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it? Rachel: I’ll do it. Monica: Who wants it? Anybody? Rachel: I said I’ll do it! Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I’ll do it myself. Rachel: Monica! I’m not gonna screw it up! Monica: Y’know what? You’re right, I’m sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely. Rachel: Well of course that is what I’m here for! Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.) Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.] Joey: Hey! Where have you been? Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel. Joey: Oh. Ross: What? Are you going back to work? Joey: Yeah. Ross: Nice shades. Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won’t get spit in the eyes, y’know? Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World wr I! Joey: Great! All right. I’ll see you later. (He starts to leave.) Ross: Hey, where’s Chandler? Joey: Uh, I think he’s in Rachel’s room. See ya. (Exits.) Ross: (going up to Rachel’s closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesn’t see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesn’t find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Is uh, is Monica here? Rachel: She’s steaming her dress, why? What’s up? Ross: I think Chandler’s gone. (He hands her the note.) Rachel: What?! Ross: He left that. Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica I’m sorry. Phoebe: (walking up) What’s up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica I’m sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself! Commercial Break [Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.] Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though! Rachel: Yeah but, maybe it’s not what we think. Maybe it’s tell Monica I’m sorry I…drank the last of the milk. Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he’s changed his name, y’know? Tell Monica I’m sorry. Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left! Phoebe: Don’t be so negative! Good God! Isn’t it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachel’s apartment) right now?! Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do? Ross: Look—Okay, I’m just gonna—I’m gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay? Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you don’t find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass! (Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.) Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him. [Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.] Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (He’s holding a script.) Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up! Richard: Just the last two pages. Joey: Alright. (They go onto the set.) Richard: I found the picture! (He’s still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.) Joey: Picture? What picture? Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction. Joey: Okay uh, look I know you’re a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff… Richard: Oh, thanks. Joey: But you’re spittin’ all over me man! Richard: Well of course I am! Joey: You know you’ve been spitting on me?! Richard: That’s what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t) Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didn’t know that. Richard: Great! Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh? [Scene: Central Perk, gn is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.] Ross: gn have you uh, have you seen Chandler? gn: No. No, I haven’t seen him. Ross: Oh damn! gn: He’s getting married tomorrow, right? Ross: Yes. Yes. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine. We’ll uh, we’ll see you tomorrow at the wedding. gn: I wasn’t invited. Ross: Well then, we’ll-we’ll see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (They’re sitting by the window.) What-what…what you guys doing here?! Mr. Geller: Well, you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we’d see what all the fuss is about. Mrs. Geller: I certainly see why the girls like coming here. Ross: Why?! Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at gn who waves back.) Ross: (shocked) gn?! Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list. Ross: What? Your-your list? Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list that—of people we’re allowed to sleep… Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know I’m looking for him? Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I’m looking for her. (Ross points at him and exits.) [Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.] The Director: Action! Richard: I found the picture! Joey: What picture?! Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack! Joey: You went through my personal property? Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?! Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years! The Director: Cut! Wonderful! (Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.) Joey: Great scene yeah? Richard: Oh you’re awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me. Joey: Thanks a lot. The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Here’s your call sheet for tomorrow. Joey: Oh, I’m-I’m not working tomorrow. The Assistant Director: You are now. Joey: No! No! I can’t! You gotta get me out of it! I’ve got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.) (The AD walks away wiping his face.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.] Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said there’s still no word from Chandler. Phoebe: Oh man. Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue. Phoebe: Okay. Well there’s one down. Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) I’m getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I don’t care because today’s my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.) Phoebe: Y’know she might not even notice he’s gone. Monica: (re-entering) I’m gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her room.) Rachel: God! Don’t—We can’t let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she’ll be in the gown and then he won’t show up and then she’s gonna have to take off the gown… Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can’t do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.) Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just…It’s just so sad! Phoebe: Yeah, but you’ve got to pull yourself together! Monica can’t see you like this! Then she’ll know something’s wrong! Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) There’s no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper? Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, that’s gone too. This is Monica’s bathroom right?! Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: No-no! I-I…I found one. Rachel: Okay. (Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.) Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one? Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.) Rachel: Oh God I just cannot imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn’t show up! Phoebe: Oh here’s a whole bunch. Rachel: Oh, I mean she’s gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Y’know? Then she’ll have to come back here and live all alone. Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God! Rachel: What? Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it’s positive. Monica’s pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she won’t be totally alone. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.] Rachel: Oh my God! Phoebe: I know! Monica’s gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new? Rachel: Oh my God! Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off? Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night. Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I’m still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.) Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we cannot tell anyone about this. Phoebe: Right. Rachel: Okay? Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using? Rachel: No. Why? Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.] Rachel: Anything? Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn’t heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandler’s parents again! Phoebe: You told them he was missing? Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I’m interested in them. Rachel: All right, we’ve got to tell her he’s gone. (Starts to leave.) Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We can’t! Rachel: Ross, she’s gonna start getting ready soon! Ross: Well, can’t you at least stall her a little? I’ll-I’ll go back to some of the places I went last night. Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need? Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready? Rachel: One hour. Ross: Give me two. Rachel: Then why do you ask?! (They all go into the hallway.) Ross: Okay, wish me luck. Phoebe: Okay. I’m going with you. Ross: Why?! Phoebe: Ross, you’re tired. You’ve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this. Rachel: All right, I’ll see you guys later. Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her? Rachel: I’ll figure something out. Phoebe: All right. Good luck. Rachel: Thanks. (Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandler’s.) Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought we’d start with my make up and then do my hair. Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me. Monica: About what? Rachel: Umm… I’m never gonna getting married! Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that? Rachel: No Monica! I’m serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something. Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya. Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey. Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay? [Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.] Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It’s my best friend’s, and I’m officiating so I really can’t work past four. The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can’t stop filming just for you. It’s not like it’s your wedding. (Starts to walk away.) Joey: I’m having surgery! The Director: What?! Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn’t want you to worry about me. But, I’m having surgery today. The Director: What kind of surgery?! Joey: Transplant. The Director: But you’re supposed to work on Monday. Joey: Hair transplant. The Director: But you’re not bald. Joey: It’s not on my head. The Director: Look Joey, there’s nothing I can do. Besides, you’re probably gonna be out by four anyway. We’ve just got one short scene. It’s just you and Richard, and God knows he’s a pro. You’ll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard. Joey: Hey! You’re here! Great! Great! Great! Let’s get going buddy, we’ve got a scene to sht! Richard: I’m wearing two belts. Joey: Are you drunk? Richard: No! Joey: Yes you are! Richard: All right. [Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.] Ross: We are never gonna find him! He’s one guy in a huge city! Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.) Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman! Phoebe: He could be in disguise, y’know. Ross: Aw, y’know…Y’know, maybe we’re-we’re just approaching this all wrong. If you’re Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you’d go? [Cut to an office building.] Ross: So this is your office? Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I should’ve hid at the gym! Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?! Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I’m related to Monica. How is she? Ross: She’s fine. She doesn’t know you’re gone. And she doesn’t have to know, okay? Now come on, we’re going home. Chandler: No! No! No! I can’t do that! Phoebe: Why not?! Chandler: Because if I go home, we’re gonna become the Bings! I can’t be the Bings! Ross: What’s wrong with being the Bings? Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games! Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room? Chandler: No. Ross: Then you are neither of your parents! Chandler: It’s not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody’s! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I’ve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don’t race cars! I don’t make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity. Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now no-one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this. Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but I’m afr…It’s too huge. Ross: Y’know, okay. You’re right. It is huge. So why don’t we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower? Chandler: Well yeah, but then… Ross: (interrupting him) Yeah—No-but-but-but-but! We’re just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that’s not scary right? Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.] Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes! And that’s every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again… Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel I’m sorry! I have to start getting ready! I’m getting married today! Rachel: I know. At dusk. That’s such a hard time for me. Monica: (getting up) I’m gonna go put my make-up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.) Rachel: Okay. But wait! Monica: What?! Rachel: Let’s go to lunch. Monica: I can’t go to lunch!! Rachel: Right. (Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.) Rachel: Oh good God! I’ve fallen down! (She trips and falls.) Monica: (entering) What’s going on? Rachel: Okay. Alright. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what I’m about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you. Monica: Okay, you’re-you’re really freaking me out. Rachel: We can’t find Chandler…(Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)—‘s vest. We can’t find Chandler’s vest. Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?! Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean we’re gonna have to keep an eye on it, y’know make sure we don’t lose it again… Rachel: Oh! Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Don’t scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, "Oh my God! The worst has happened!" (Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.) [Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.] Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you! Richard: That can be arranged. (Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.) The Director: Let’s reset. Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!! The Director: Let’s take it from there. Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? It’s going terribly slowly. Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And I’m the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together? Richard: Of course! I’m-I’m sorry. I-I’d hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this! Joey: Thank you. Thank you. The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action! Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you! Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger! [Scene: The Hotel, Monica’s room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.] Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart? (Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.) Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride. (Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.) Phoebe: Oh my God Monica! Monica: I wanna wear this everyday. Rachel: You look so beautiful. Monica: (starting to cry) I’m so happy for me. (The phone rings and Rachel answers it.) Rachel: Hello? Joey: (on phone) Hey! Did Chandler show up yet? Rachel: Yeah, we got him back. Everything’s fine. Joey: Damnit! Rachel: What? Why? Where are you? Joey: I’m still on the set! Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour! Joey: I know! I’m sorry! The guy’s drunk, they won’t let me go until we get this. Rachel: Oh my God! I’m gonna have to find another minister. Joey: No! No, I’m the minister! Alright, look-look, put ‘em both on the phone, I’ll marry them right now. Rachel: Ugh! Joey, I have to go. Joey: Hey! Don’t you hang up on me! I’ll marry you and me right now! I have the power! (She hangs up anyway.) [Scene: Chandler’s Hotel Room, Ross is getting Chandler ready.] Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn’t so scary, was it? Chandler: No. Ross: I’m telling you, just a little bit at a time. Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, what’s the next little bit? Ross: Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like you’ve done everything else! Chandler: Yeah. You’re right. Hey I-I can do that. Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave) Ross: Wh—Hey—Whoa-whoa, where, where you going?! Chandler: Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air. Ross: Okay. Chandler: Okay. (Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a cigarette.) Chandler: Oh fresh air! (He hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and hides in the ice machine room.) Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe you’re overreacting! You do that y’know. Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, y’know. I mean there’s no way Joey’s gonna make it in time. So I’m gonna go through the hotel and see if there’s any other weddings going on. Phoebe: Okay. Oh but don’t tell them Monica’s pregnant because they frown on that. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. (They head in separate directions and Chandler emerges and he’s so shocked that his cigarette is hanging from his lip.) Commercial Break [Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the ballroom area and comes upon the sign for the Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.] Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {It’s a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (He’s wearing an interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that? The Rabbi: I don’t know. Are they Greek Orthodox? Rachel: Yeah! Yeah. They’re…they’re-they’re my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus. [Scene: Monica’s Hotel Room, Chandler and Monica’s parents and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.] Ross: Hi! (To Mrs. Bing) Hi! (Mr. Bing starts rubbing his arm.) Hi. Has umm, anyone seen Chandler? Mr. Geller: I thought he was with you. Ross: He-he was with me umm, we’re playing a little game, y’know? Hide and seek. Mr. Geller: You can’t ask us son, that’s cheating. Ross: (pause) You’re right, thanks for keeping me honest dad. Mrs. Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can’t see the bride in the wedding dress. Mrs. Bing: As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress. Mr. Bing: But that was after the wedding, it’s not bad luck then. Mrs. Bing: Honey, it isn’t good luck. (Monica enters.) Ross: Oh my God! Monica! Monica: I know! Hey, how’s Chandler doin’? Ross: Great. He’s doing great. Don’t you worry about Chandler. Monica: Are you okay? Ross: Uh-huh. Monica: Well, you’re-you’re sweating. Ross: These-these are beads of joy. Monica: Oh that’s sweet. Don’t touch me. Ross: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second? Phoebe: Yeah! (They both go out into the hall.) Phoebe: What’s going on? Ross: Chandler’s gone again! Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?! (Ross just glares at her.) [Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the director, pleading with him to let him go.] Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guy’s hammered! The Director: I’m sorry Joey, as long as he’s here and he’s conscious we’re still sh*ting. (He walks away and Joey does Ross’s fist thing. He then enters Richard’s dressing room, to find Richard cutting his steak with his sword.) Richard: You wouldn’t happen to have a very big fork? Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. That’s it, we’re done for the day. Richard: Well have we finished the scene? Joey: Yeah! You…you were wonderful. Richard: As were you. Joey: So I got your car, it’s right outside. Richard: Why? Are we done for the day? Joey: That’s what you told me. Richard: Oh, thank you. You’re welcome. (He stands up, staggers to the couch, and starts to lie down.) Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey picks him up in a fireman’s carry and carries him out.) Here we go. Richard: Is that my ass? (He’s looking at Joey’s.) (And as Joey walks out the door, Richard grabs a bottle of Scotch, just as the door closes and carries it with him.) [Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking for Chandler.] Ross: (turning a corner) There he is!! Chandler: What? (Ross runs over and tackles him.) Phoebe: Hey! Oh! Ross: You’re not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about! Chandler: Ross! (He starts to get up.) Ross: Hiiii-Ya!! (Chandler lies back down.) I’m serious! You’re not walking out on my sister! Chandler: (standing up) That’s right! I’m not! Ross: Then where the hell have you been?! Chandler: I know about Monica. Phoebe: You know?! Ross: What? Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking. Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?! Chandler: You don’t know? Ross: Know what—If somebody doesn’t tell me what’s going on right now… Phoebe: What? You’ll hi-ya? Chandler: Monica’s pregnant. Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God! And you’re-you’re…you’re not freaking out? Chandler: Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes… Phoebe and Ross: Cigarettes?!! Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that’s when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, y’know what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can’t be scary. Phoebe: Well you obviously didn’t see Chucky 3. Chandler: But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she’d know I was okay. Ross: Dude. (Hugs him.) (Mr. Geller turns the corner.) Mr. Geller: Way to go son! I knew you’d find him! [Scene: The moment we waited for has finally arrived. It’s time for Monica and Chandler’s wedding. We’ve got violins playing Every Breath You Take, we’ve got guests seated, and Chandler starts walking down the aisle with his parents on either arm.] Mr. Bing: Our little boy is getting married. Mrs. Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome! Chandler: You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) I’m so glad you're here. (He kisses his mom.) (He walks up onto the altar and notices the rabbi.) The Rabbi: Are you Chandler? Chandler: Are you Joey? (Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe and Rachel on his arms.) Ross: Huh. This is nice. Phoebe: What? Ross: I’ve never walked down the aisle knowing it can’t end in divorce. (Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms start down the aisle.) Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish your grandmother had lived to see this. Monica: She’s right there. Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. (They stop and she kisses Monica on the cheek.) Congratulations darling. Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her and they sit down.) (Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.) Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.) Monica: Not now. Chandler: Okay. (They both step up onto the altar and she notices the rabbi.) Monica: (To Chandler) Who is this? The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous. Chandler: (in Monica’s ear) He’s Greek Orthodox. Rachel: (leaning in) As are you… The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved… Joey: (entering) That’s my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the rabbi) I can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, I’m sorry I’m a little late. You may be confused by this now, (He’s still in costume) but you won’t be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, let’s get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. I’ve known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I’ve left my notes in my dressing room, we shall proceed to the vows. Monica? (She turns to get her vows from Rachel.) Monica: (To Rachel) He took off? Rachel: Go on! Go on. (She turns back to Chandler.) Monica: Chandler, for so long I…I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that I’d ever been looking for my whole life. And now…here we are…with our future before us…and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless you don’t want to. You go! Joey: Chandler? (Ross leans in to give Chandler his vows.) Chandler: (To Ross) No, that’s okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way, it’s okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I’m sure? (He leans in and kisses her.) Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in me by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other? Chandler: I do. Monica: I do. Joey: Yeah you do! Ross: Rings? Joey: Aw crap! Okay—uh…uh let’s-let’s do the rings. (Chandler and Monica both turn, take the rings from Ross and Rachel respectively, and place them on each other’s fingers.) Joey: We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. (To Chandler) Now kiss her again. (They kiss and everyone applauds.) Chandler: (To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby. Monica: What baby? Chandler: Our baby. Monica: We have a baby? Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash. Monica: I didn’t take a pregnancy test. Chandler: Then…who did? [Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.] Phoebe: Oh and they’re gonna have a baby. Rachel: Uh-huh. (The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very worried and frightened look on her face and she slowly takes a deep breath.) [Fade to black.] Ending Credits	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "07x23 - 07x24 - The One With Chandler and Monica\u2019s Wedding"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: The Wedding Hall, Monica and Chandler have just said "I do," and the photographer is taking the required pictures. First of Monica, Chandler, Ross and Joey.] Photographer: Great. (Takes a picture.) Great! Just give me a sec to change film. Monica: Okay. Ross: (To Monica) Okay, I know I’m not supposed to know, but I do. And I’m so excited for you! Joey: What? What’s going on? Ross: Monica’s pregnant! Joey: Oh my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?! Monica: Guys! I’m not pregnant. Joey: Ah. (To Chandler) Slow swimmers? (Chandler looks at him.) Ross: What?! What do you mean? You-you-you’re not pregnant? Monica: You didn’t tell anybody I was did you?! Ross: No! (Pause) I’ll be right back. (Exits.) Photographer: Now why don’t we get a sht of just Monica and the bloody soldier. Monica: (To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party. Joey: I can’t! I-I don’t have any other clothes here. Monica: Find some! Please! Anything that doesn’t say I-I died tragically in France. (Joey leaves to find clothes.) Photographer: Well then why don’t we see the bride and the groom and the bridemaids. Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe and Rachel join Monica and Chandler on the altar.) Hey Mon, why did you tell the guys you weren’t pregnant? Monica: Because I’m not. Phoebe: We found your test in the trash, if you’re not pregnant—(She sees Rachel shaking her head)—It’s because I am. (Flash, the photographer takes a picture of Monica and Chandler’s stunned faces.) Chandler: What?! What are you talking about? Monica: What are you talking about? Phoebe: Yes, I…I am with child. (Flash) And I didn’t want to say anything because it’s your day; I didn’t want to steal your thunder. Monica: Wait a minute! So you told people I was pregnant?! (Flash) Does this look like a conversation that I want to remember?! Chandler: Who’s the father? Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: I can’t say. Monica: Why?! Chandler: Why not? Phoebe: I can’t say because he’s famous. Rachel: Oh my God, who is it?! (Phoebe rolls her eyes.) Monica: Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us. Phoebe: Okay, okay. It’s James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby. Chandler: As in Barbara Streisand’s husband James Brolin? Phoebe: What?! Well he never said that to me! Opening Credits [Scene: The Wedding Hall, continued from earlier.] Photographer: Why don’t we have Monica step away and we’ll get Chandler and the bridemaids. Phoebe: How about just the bridemaids? Chandler: Y’know I am the groom right? I was told it was kinda big deal. Phoebe: It is. Rachel: For you. (Chandler leaves.) Phoebe: Oh my God! Rachel: Oh, thank you for doing that. I just can’t deal with this just quite yet. Phoebe: So instead you told me Monica was pregnant. Rachel: You said that she was, I just didn’t disagree with you. Phoebe: Sneaky. Rachel: Oh yeah. Photographer: Smile ladies. Rachel: Oh! (They smile and the picture is taken.) Oh by the way? Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Rachel: James Brolin? Phoebe: Oh, I know. I could only think of two names, him and Ed Begley Jr. and then I remembered he’s gay. Rachel: Ed Begley Jr. is not gay. Phoebe: (intrigued) Really?! [Scene: The Reception Hall, the party is in full swing.] Bandleader: Thank you very much! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing! (They enter.) Chandler: Before we go out there I’ve got a present for ya. Monica: Honey, I’m going to put my hand in your pocket! Chandler: No? Monica: No. Chandler: I’ve been taking dancing lessons. Monica: What?! Chandler: Yeah, the last six weeks. I wanted this to be a moment you will never forget. Monica: Oh that is so sweet! Chandler: So? Would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife? Monica: Yes. (They walk onto the dance floor and Chandler slips and almost falls.) Monica: What’s the matter? Chandler: I don’t know, it’s these new shoes, they’re all slippery. Monica: Well, are you going to be able to do this? Chandler: Not well. (They start dancing and Chandler starts slipping around.) Monica: Well, the good news is, I don’t think anyone’s looking at us. [Cut to Phoebe and Rachel at their table.] Phoebe: So, are you ready to talk about it? Rachel: No. (Pause) Phoebe: Now? Rachel: No! Phoebe: Okay, we’ll talk about something else then. Rachel: Thank you. Phoebe: Who’s the father?! Rachel: Ugh! Look honey y’know what? I haven’t told him yet, so until I do I don’t think I should tell anybody else. Phoebe: Yeah. That’s fine. That’s fair. Is it Tag? Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe: Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll stop. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Is it Ross? It’s Ross isn’t it—Oh my God, it’s Joey! Rachel: Honey, stop it! I am not going to tell you until I tell him. Phoebe: Ah-hah! At least we know it’s a him. [Cut to Joey entering wearing a preppy tennis outfit.] Monica: (seeing him) Oh sweet Lord. Joey: I’m sorry! Okay? I went down to the gift shop and it’s either this or a bathrobe! Look, what’s more important, the way I’m dressed or me being with you on your special day? Monica: Honey, I’m not even going to pretend I was listening. (Sees someone else.) Hey! Hey! (Goes over to that person.) [Cut to the hallway outside the room, Ross is going to see which table he’s at and sees a beautiful woman doing the same thing.] Ross: Hi. I’m uh, I’m Ross. I don’t, I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Monica’s older brother. Woman: Oh hi, I’m, I’m Mona from her restaurant. Ross: Oh! Hello uh, Mona from her restaurant. (He uses his card to mouth those words.) (Pause) Mona, wow what a, what a beautiful name. Mona: You think so? I’ve always kinda hated it. Ross: Aw come on, Mona Lisa? Mona: Uh-huh. Ross: Mona umm…Clickclocken. The famous botanist? Huh? Oh no she’s uh—well she’s dad now. No, supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world. Mona: Really?! Well see? I never knew about her. Ross: Linda Clickclocken. (Pause) So what uh, what-what table are you at? (She shows him.) Oh, uh me too. Mona: Oh good. Now there’ll be someone there who likes my name. Ross: (sexily) Yes there will. (Mona leaves and Ross tries to find the same table.) Oh guess what, Molly Gilbert you’ve just been bumped up to table one. And if it’s all right with you I’m gonna take your place at table six—Martin Clickclocken. [Cut back inside to Joey giving a beautiful woman a tennis lesson by standing behind her.] Joey: That’s better, now just bend your arms a little more. There you go. Okay, look straight ahead. Now this time I want you to really put your ass into it. (They do a practice swing and she really puts her ass into it.) [Cut to Chandler sitting down near Joey as his mom walks over. His birth mother, not the mother who recently visited one of those clinics in Sweden.] Mrs. Bing: Chandler darling! Look, my date has finally arrived. I’d like you to meet Dennis Phillips. Dennis Phillips: Congratulations. Chandler: Thank you. Mrs. Bing: Dennis is a dear old friend and a fantastic lover. Chandler: Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so. Dennis Phillips: Oh, I’m so sorry I missed the ceremony, I was stuck at auditions. Mrs. Bing: Oh yes, Dennis is directing a new Broadway show. Joey: I don’t believe we’ve met, Joey Tribbiani. Dennis Phillips: Dennis Phillips Joey: Wow, I’ve admired your work for years. You-you’ve done some really amazing stuff. Dennis Phillips: Oh, thank you. Well if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get myself a drink. Be back in a moment. (Walks away.) Joey: Wow Dennis Phillips! That’s great! How did you guys meet? Mrs. Bing: Well, it’s a funny story. Chandler: Funny: ha-ha or funny: (Mimes bl*wing his brain out.) [Time lapse. The band is finishing another song.] Bandleader: Thank you, thank you very much. If everyone will please take your seats, dinner will be served. (Ross starts looking for table six and finds out that it’s the kid’s table. He sees Mona sitting at another table.) Ross: Hey! Uh, I thought, I thought you were at table six. Mona: No, nine. (Shows him the card again.) Ross: Oh see, before you uh, when you showed it to me you-you held it that way (he turns her hand upside down) which uh, which was misleading. Well I’m… (He goes at sits down at his new table and the kids stare at him.) Hello. [Cut to the hallway, Chandler is putting tape on the bottom of his shoes.] Joey: Chandler. Will you see if your mom can give my resume to Dennis Phillips? ‘Cause if I can get in a Broadway show then I would’ve done it all, film, television, and theater. The only think left would be radio, and that’s just for ugly people. Chandler: What size shoes do you wear? Joey: Uh, eleven, eleven and a half. Chandler: Great, because my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor, can I borrow the boots from your costume? Joey: Uh, I don’t even really know where I left those. Sorry. Chandler: (looking at Joey’s feet) Those aren’t eleven and a half. Joey: Okay fine! I’m a seven! All right, I have surprisingly small feet. But the rest of me is good, I’ll show ya! [Cut to Monica and Rachel at their table.] Monica: Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant?! Rachel: Oh y’know what honey? Let’s not talk about that right now? Monica: This is so huge. Rachel: Sure, but come on, as big as your wedding? Monica: Of course not nothing is. Between me and you… Rachel: Yeah. Monica: …in this day and age how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant? Rachel: Hey! Y’know, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything they’re supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through! Monica: How? Rachel: I don’t know! Maybe they have tools. Monica: Well I-I talked to and uh, she’s definitely going to have this baby. Y’know, she said she was gonna raise it on her own. Rachel: Well, maybe that’s, maybe that’s really brave. Monica: Maybe. I just hope she realizes how hard it’s gonna be. Rachel: Maybe she hasn’t really thought it through that well. Monica: Well, there’s a lot to think about. I mean, how is she, how is she going to handle this financially? How is she going to juggle work? Does she realize she’s not going to have a date again for the next eighteen years? Rachel: (starting to cry) I don’t know. Monica: Are you okay? Rachel: Uh-hmm. I’m just thinking about Phoebe; poor knocked up Phoebe. Waiter: Champagne? Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you very much! (She grabs a glass, takes a sip, and realizes what she just did. She then tries to spit the champagne back into the glass without Monica noticing. It doesn’t work.) Oh that’s-that’s actually how the French drink it. (Monica gasps.) Commercial Break [Scene: continued from earlier, only now Phoebe joins them.] Phoebe: Well, I just got off the phone with my lover, James Brolin… Monica: Oh really?! Phoebe: Yes, and apparently he is married to some singer, but he said he would leave her for me. And I said, "James, James Brolin, are you sure?" James Brolin said… Monica: (interrupting) Rachel’s really the one who’s pregnant. Phoebe: (shocked) What?! (deadpan) Why bother? Monica: How do you feel? Rachel: I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. This is all happening so fast. I have to make all these decisions that I don’t want to make. (Takes another sip of champagne and spits it back out) Somebody just take this away from me!! Phoebe: Calm down. Maybe you’re not pregnant. Rachel: What?! Phoebe: When I got pregnant with the triplets, I took that test like three times just to make sure. Monica: Yes! Maybe it’s a false positive. Are you sure you peed on the stick right? Rachel: How many ways are there to do that? Phoebe: I’m-I’m just saying, don’t freak out until you’re a hundred percent sure. Rachel: All right, I’ll-I’ll take it again when I get home. Monica: You-you gotta take it now. Come on, do it as a present to me. Rachel: Okay. Thank you. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: I’ll run out and get you one. Rachel: Oh, you guys are so great. Monica: Oh, wait a minute! Who’s is the father?! Phoebe: Oh no, she won’t tell us. Monica: Oh, come on it’s my wedding! That can be my present. Rachel: Wh—Hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick. Phoebe: See? This is why you register. [Cut to Ross at the kiddie table. He reaches for something and a fart noise emanates which causes the kids to laugh.] Ross: It was the chair again! Okay? I’m not doing it! It what—look, I don’t—y’know what—eh-eh… (He walks away and goes over to Mona.) Hi. Mona: Hi! Ross: Umm, would you like to dance? Mona: Sure. Ross: Yeah? Mona: Yeah. Ross: Oh great! (They get up to dance and Ross is interrupted by a little girl.) Little Girl: Dr. Geller? Ross: I wasn’t farting! (To Mona) Uh, a little game from our table. (To the little girl) Yes? Little Girl: Dr. Geller, will you dance with me? Ross: Oh umm, well uh, maybe-maybe later. Right now, I’m about to dance with this lady. Little Girl: Okay. (She drops her head in disappointment and walks away.) Mona: Ohhhh! Ross: Uh, unless! Unless, uh this lady wouldn’t mind letting you go first. Mona: I’d be happy to. (To Ross) You are very sweet. Ross: Yes I-I am. In fact umm hey, why don’t we try it my special way? You can dance on my feet. Little Girl: Sure! Ross: Yeah? Hop on. (They start dancing and Mona sits down.) Is the pretty lady looking? Little Girl: Uh-huh. Ross: Keep dancing. [Cut to Chandler in the hallway practicing dancing and is doing it very well.] Chandler: And the world will never know. Joey: Hey! Did you talk to Dennis about me yet? Chandler: Yes, I told him how talented you were. I told him all about Days Of Our Lives. Joey: No-no! No! No! You don’t tell a Broadway guy that! Now he just thinks I’m a soap actor. Chandler: But you’re not just a soap actor. You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet. Joey: Hey! [Joey walks back inside just as Ross’s dance is finishing.] Little Girl: Thank you. Ross: No-no, thank you Miranda. Little Girl: Melinda! Ross: All right. (Walks over to Mona.) Mona: How cute was that? Ross: Oh-oh, were you, were you watching? (Another little girl walks over to him.) Second Girl: Can I go next? Ross: What? Of course you can! Hop on! Mona: Okay, but I get to hop on after her. (Ross bites the air in response.) Ross: I am so gonna score. Second Girl: What? Ross: I like your bow. [Behind them, Joey goes up to the bandleader and interrupts the song.] Joey: (clinks his glass) I’d like to propose a toast. To Monica and Chandler, the greatest couple in the world. And my best friends. Now, my when I first found out they were getting married I was, I was a little angry. I was like, (overly angry) "Why God? Why? How can you take them away from me?!" But then I thought back over all our memories together, some happy memories. (Does a fake laugh.) And-and there was some sad memories. (Starts to break down and cry.) I’m sorry. And-and some scared memories—Whoa! (He jumps back, startled.) Eh? And then, and then I realized I’ll always be their friend, their friend who can speak in many dialects and has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. (Starts to walk away, but realizes something.) Oh! To the happy couple! [Time Lapse, the interrupted song is finishing.] Bandleader: Thank you. Ross: (to the second girl) That was very nice Ashley. Ashley: Can we do it again? Ross: No-no. (Walks over to Mona again.) Mona: So, is it my turn now? (A large little fat girl walks over.) Fat Girl: I’m next! Ross: Oh! (Recoils in horror.) Mona: Uh, that’s okay. You can dance with her first. Ross: Oh, you-you sure? (She nods yes.) Okay. (To the girl) Okay. So what’s uh, what’s your name. Fat Girl: Gert! Ross: That’s, that’s pretty. (They start to dance and Gert tries to step on Ross’s feet, but he pulls them out of harm’s way.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing there Gert? Gert: Dancing on your feet! Like the other girls did it. Ross: Okay. (Swallows hard.) Hop on Gert. (She does and Ross winces in pain.) Gert: Why aren’t you moving your feet? Ross: I’m trying. (He strains to move his feet.) Gert: Faster! You’re not going fast enough! Ross: Maybe I should stand on your feet! (Gert’s shocked and Ross realizes what he said and tries to brush it off.) [Cut to Joey going over to talk to Dennis Phillips.] Joey: So did you uh, happen to catch my toast up there? Dennis Phillips: Oh my God, that was for my benefit? Joey: Well, I’d like to think there was something for everyone. Look, I know you’re casting for this new show… Dennis Phillips: Look umm Joey, I-I don’t think you’re quite right for this project. Joey: Oh, see that’s where you’re wrong. Whatever it is I can do it. And if didn’t see it up there, just-just try me. Dennis Phillips: It’s an all Chinese cast. Can you be Chinese? Joey: Well I’m not proud of this, but… (He turns around and starts to mess with his eyelids.) Dennis Phillips: Oh my God! No-no-no! Please! Please! Don’t-don’t-don’t! [Cut to Monica walking up to Chandler.] Monica: Hey, are you ready to get back on the dance floor? Chandler: Did it turn into sand? Monica: Ohh come on, I love this song! Come on, you’ll be fine. (She starts to walk towards the floor.) Chandler: (sliding up behind her) No. No, I won’t. Do you know why I took all those lessons? See, for the first time I didn’t want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot. Monica: Oh sweetie, you can never embarrass me. (Chandler grunts.) Okay, you can easily embarrass me. But come on, it doesn’t matter. All right? I married you! So I want to dance on my wedding night with my husband. Come on. (They go onto the floor.) Just try not to move your feet at all. (Chandler starts to get into the groove and bust a move.) There you go. (Mr. Geller dances over.) Mr. Geller: Chandler, I’m gonna have you arrested. Chandler: Why? Mr. Geller: You stole my moves. (He starts to dance like Chandler was and Chandler stops.) [Scene: The Women’s Restroom, Rachel and Phoebe are waiting for the outcome of Rachel’s second test.] Rachel: How much longer? Phoebe: 30 seconds. Rachel: 30 seconds, okay. Monica: (entering) Did I miss it? (Phoebe nods no.) Rachel, I-I want you to know that, if it’s positive, we’re gonna… Rachel: Oh I know. I know. (They hug.) Phoebe: It’s time. (Another woman starts to enter.) The Girls: No!! (The woman backs out.) Monica: Go ahead Rach. (She goes over to look.) Rachel: Oh wait! Y’know what? I can’t, I can’t look at it. I can’t. Somebody else tell me, somebody tell me. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Umm, it’s negative. Rachel: What? Phoebe: It’s negative. Rachel: Oh. Oh. Well there you go. Whew! (Pause) That is—that’s great—that is really great-great news. (Pause) Y’know ‘cause the whole not being ready and kinda the financial aspects, all that. Whew. Wow, this is so just the way it was supposed to be. (Starts to cry.) God. Monica: Well… Well, great. Phoebe: Here. (Gives Rachel a tissue.) Rachel: Thanks. (Crying) God this is so stupid! (Pause) How could I be upset over something I never had? It’s negative? Phoebe: No, it’s positive. Rachel: What?! Phoebe: It’s-it’s not negative, it’s positive. Rachel: Are you sure? Phoebe: Well yeah, I lied before. Rachel: Oh! Monica: Oh God… Phoebe: Now you know how you really feel about it. Rachel: Oh-oh, that’s a risky little game! Monica: Are you really gonna do this? Rachel: Yeah. I’m gonna have a baby. I’m gonna have a baby. I’m gonna have a baby! (They all hug.) Phoebe: With who? Rachel: Ah, it’s still not the time. Dedicated to the People of New York City Closing Credits [Scene: The Reception, Joey is helping Ross walk after Gert got through with him and Mona is looking on concerned.] Ross: I just didn’t see the fast song coming. Joey: Shh. Shh. Don’t try to talk, we’ll get you up to your room, we’ll soak your feet, you’ll be okay. Ross: Oh, thank you. Mona: That is so sweet! Joey: Yeah. Mona: No, I mean it. There are so few genuinely nice guys out there. Joey: Tell me about it, I feel like I’m holding down the fort all by myself. Mona: It’s Joey right? Joey: Yeah. Ross: Wait a minute! No! I’m the nice one! I’m the one who danced with the kids all night! How…How small are your feet?! (They all look down.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x01 - The One After \"I Do\""}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Dana Klein Borkow Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out.] Rachel: Listen y’know what sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little! Joey: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night? Joey: No. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it to Joey who gets mad.) I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill! (Chandler and Monica enter.) Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! We’re checking out of the bridal suite. Monica: (depressed) That’s right. I’m no longer a bride. I’ll never be a bride again. Now, I’m just someone’s wife! Chandler: And I’m the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on don’t be upset. We still have so much to look forward to! Monica: Oh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.) Chandler: We got the honeymoon. Monica: That’s not ‘til Thursday. Chandler: The wedding pictures? Monica: They won’t be ready for weeks. Chandler: Not the disposable cameras from the tables. Monica: That’s true! (Happily) I knew I married you for a reason! Chandler: I’ll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home. Monica: Okay. (Joey giggles.) Chandler: What? What did you take a picture of? Joey: Nothing! It was something. Chandler: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet? Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not ‘til noon and he has a good (checks her watch) eleven minutes left. Chandler: Oh. Monica: Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to. Rachel: Yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y’know, he screamed out Radisson at the end. Chandler: Okay, well I’m gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You’re 32! (Exits) Front Desk Clerk: (To Monica) Here’s a copy of your bill. Monica: Oh thanks. (Reading the bill) Champagne, strawberries…Oh my God! I can’t believe Chandler ordered prn on our wedding night! Joey: Yeah, that’s sad. Mashuga nut? Opening Credits [Scene: Ross’s Hotel Room, he is letting Chandler in.] Ross: Hi. Chandler: Hey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff? Ross: Why not? It’s built into the price of the room. Chandler: Yeah but you don’t need—(Picks up something)—What is this? Ross: Thread! Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras? Ross: What disposable cameras? Chandler: The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them? Ross: No you didn’t. Chandler: Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said… Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" (Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did that. Chandler: So you don’t have the cameras?! Ross: No. Sorry man. Chandler: So? What? What? They’re gone! Monica’s gonna freak! Ross: Well, I’m sure they’re still somewhere here in the hotel. I’ll-I’ll help you look for them. Chandler: Great. Ross: In-in three minutes. (Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting in front of a mound of wedding gifts.] Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler? Monica: No! (Pause) But, they’re callin’ out to me! I mean this little guy (Holds up a small one) even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn’t mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is? Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman. (Monica opens it anyways.) Monica: A tiny salt shaker!!! Phoebe: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt! Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Well that was fun. Phoebe: Oh yeah. Monica: Good. Okay, I’m just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of them. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Whew. Although y’know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I mean… I guess y’know it may just count as a half a present. What do you think? Phoebe: Well I guess it’s okay to open one more if it’s part of a set. Y’know, it’s probably this one. (Grabs another small one.) Monica: Or this one! (She grabs and starts to open the biggest present.) Rachel: (entering) Hi. Monica: Hey, how are you feelin’? Any morning sickness? Rachel: Shh-shh-shh! The guys don’t know yet do they? Monica: No! Joey and Ross don’t know anything and Chandler still thinks that Phoebe’s pregnant. Phoebe: Yeah that’s right Chandler does still think I’m pregnant. He hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.) After you of course. Rachel: Don’t worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, ‘cause I’m going to tell the father today. Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor? Rachel: Ew! No! Phoebe: What?! I think he’s cute. Rachel: Well then you have his baby. Phoebe: Believe me I’m trying. Monica: Wow. Y’know it is so weird. I mean, you’re gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea what’s gonna happen. Phoebe: Yeah. You’re just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever. You’re like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism. Rachel: Yeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news. Phoebe: Pretty big? It’s huge! God, this guy doesn’t have a clue! He’s just walking down the street thinking, ‘I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!’ then bam! He’s a father and everything’s different. Rachel: Well it’s only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I’m not gonna ask him for anything. Phoebe: Okay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he’s walking around thinking, ‘Do I want to be a dad?’ and then bam! Monica: What was that bam? Phoebe: I don’t. He got…he-he-he-he’s ht by a bus. Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant? Joey: (warily) Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut! Rachel: Oh Joey! Joey! No, it’s not you! You didn’t get anybody pregnant! Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? (Pause.) Is somebody pregnant? Phoebe: Oh yeah. That’s me. Joey: Oh my God Pheebs! You’re gonna have a baby? Phoebe: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I’m gonna have a baby! (Joey and Phoebe hug.) Joey: Whoa, wait a minute. Who’s the father? Phoebe: You don’t know him. It’s not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She sits down like she’s pregnant.) Joey: Well who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he? ‘Cause I will track him down and kick his ass! Phoebe: David Lynn. Joey: David Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!! (Exits) Monica: Who’s David Lynn? Phoebe: Oh some guy from my gym. A little annoying. [Scene: The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters.] Ross: Chandler? Chandler: Hey! Did you find the cameras? Ross: No. Did you? Chandler: Yes! And that’s why I’m under the table. Celebrating. Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-one’s turned them. Chandler: Well this is great. Y’know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she’s really depressed. Ross: Now you guys just got married, why is she so depressed? Chandler: All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can’t believe I screwed this up! Ross: I’m sorry man. (Formally dressed people start to enter.) Here’s a thought. This is the same ballroom. There’s a band. There’s gonna be plenty of dressed up people. Chandler: Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away? Ross: No-no-no, I’m saying we-we buy more of this (disposable cameras) at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else’s faces. Chandler: Are you serious? Ross: I’m just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you really want to start your life together by letting her down? Chandler: Marriage advice? Really?! Ross: I’m telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren’t these the same flowers? Chandler: I don’t know, Monica picked out the flowers. Ross: What about the chairs? Chandler: She picked those out too. Ross: How about the place settings? Chandler: That was her. Ross: What did you do? Chandler: I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop? Ross: Hmm. (They head off to the gift shop.) [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet? Rachel: Not yet. Phoebe: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? (Gasps) Is it gn? Rachel: No! Phoebe, it’s not gn. Phoebe: Thank God, ‘cause that hair on a baby… Rachel: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I haven’t told him yet and I don’t think I can tell him at all now! Phoebe: Why not? Rachel: I don’t know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, ‘I’m gonna tell the father today’ and then bam! Phoebe: Bus? Rachel: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is! Phoebe: Well-well but it is huge. Rachel: I know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I didn’t even go to how huge this was going to be for the father. Phoebe: You’re thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. It’s like, it’s like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of…See? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has now opened more of the wedding gifts.] Joey: (entering) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents? Monica: No! No! I shouldn’t have even opened these! I mean I—Joey I am out of control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay? Joey: Okay. Monica: Give me one more. Joey: Okay. (Hands her one.) Phoebe: (entering) Hey. Joey: Oh good, uh you’re here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got something I want to say. Phoebe: All right. (She sits down like she’s pregnant again.) Joey: Umm, now uh… It’s a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Y’know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so… (He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me? Monica: Oh my God! Joey! Phoebe: Hell yeah! I’ll marry you! (She grabs the ring and puts it on.) Monica: You can’t marry him! Phoebe: Hey lady, your day’s over! It’s my turn! Monica: Phoebe! Joey: Why?! Why can’t she marry me?! Phoebe: I can and I will! (Kisses him.) Monica: She’s not pregnant. It’s Rachel. Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant. Joey: Oh my God. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didn’t have a baby in nine months! Phoebe: It’s Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths ‘I love you’ to him.) Joey: (smiles then stops) Now I can’t believe it! What? Rachel’s pregnant? (The girls nod yes.) Who’s the father? Phoebe: We don’t know. Joey: Ohh… I wonder if that dude. Monica: There’s a dude? Joey: Yeah. Phoebe: Who? Who is it? Joey: About a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn’t see who it was but… (He walks out and closes the door.) Phoebe: Was that story over? (They follow him and meet him in the hall coming out of his apartment carrying a sweater.) Joey: The guy left this. Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is… (She walks into Monica and Chandler’s.) Monica: People have got to finish their stories! Commercial Break [Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake the pictures.] Chandler: (to another couple) Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us? Woman At The Wedding: Oh! Of course. (Ross and Chandler pose and she takes the picture.) Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one of us? Chandler: Uhh… Yeah sure. (Holds the camera up to his face.) Click! Woman At The Wedding: It didn’t click. Ross: I heard it. I heard it. Man At The Wedding: But there was no flash. Woman At The Wedding: Why won’t you take our picture? Chandler: Oh yeah. I’ll take, I’ll take your picture. (He takes the picture with his finger over the lens.) Man At The Wedding: Uh, your finger was covering the lens. Chandler: Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here! [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are about to go inside.] Phoebe: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go! Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is? Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I’m a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that won’t quit. (She takes the sweater out of her purse.) I believe this belongs to the father of your baby. Rachel: Oh God… Oh, he’s in there right now? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off. What to you want to do? Rachel: Uh, let’s rip! Phoebe: Really? Are you sure? Rachel: Oh Phoebe! Phoebe: Okay, sorry. Yeah. (They go inside to confront the father.) Tag: Hey Rach. [Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross is taking a picture of a plant, Chandler a fork. The band stops.] Chandler: Why don’t you go up on stage. I’ll get a picture of you doing the speech. Ross: Okay. Okay! (He goes up on stage, mimes like he's giving the speech, and Chandler takes his picture. However, before he gets down everyone starts clinking their glasses for a real speech.) Ross: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed. Anxious Wedding Guest: (rushing up) That’s my car! Ross: A ’95 LeSabre?! Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Ross: A green LeSabre? Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Ross: I’m sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre. Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Green-blue! Ross: Well go! Go move it! (He runs off.) Chandler: Okay, you ready for the last picture? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Get ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and they both run out.) [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Tag: So, what’s this about? Phoebe: Rachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, I believe that this is your red sweater. Tag: No. (Unzips his coat.) This is my red sweater. Phoebe: Oh no. Could I get anyone a coffee or…poison? No? Just for me? Okay. (Walks away.) Tag: What’s going on Rach? Rachel: Nothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But y’know you do wear that sweater a lot, are you involved in some kind of dare? Tag: Y’know, I’m actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls out a stool and Rachel sits down.) I know we broke up because you thought I wasn’t mature enough, but I’ve really grown up and think we should get back together. Rachel: Oh, it’s just not the right time. Tag: It is the right time. (Takes her hand.) Rachel: Okay. Tag: I’m ready for more. Rachel: Tag… Tag: Come on Rach, let’s give it another try. Rachel: I’m having a baby. Tag: Oh. (He drops her hand.) (Pause) Rachel: You can go. Tag: Thank you. (Gets up and hurries out.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has finished opening all the presents. She’s ashamed of this, at least, because as someone enters…] Monica: (throwing up the last present) I don’t know how any of these got opened?! Joey: (entering) You opened them all? Monica: I know! I know! I am a terrible person! I mean, Chandler is never going to trust me with anything ever again! Joey: Oh hey! You got my parent’s gift! (Holds it up.) Monica: Yeah. What is that? Joey: Well, I don’t know. I think it does something to salami. (Phoebe and Rachel enter.) Monica: Hey! How’d it go? Joey: Yeah. What-what did Tag say? Rachel: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows now? Joey: I do Rach. I do, and I so happy for you. (They hug.) Rachel: Oh wow, you didn’t even try to unhook my bra! Monica: So are you ever gonna tell whoever it is? Rachel: No, I will. I’m just not up for it tonight. Joey: Hey Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you to know you’re not gonna be alone in this. Rachel: I’m not? Joey: Listen I uh… (He takes her hand.) It’s a scary world out there especially if you’re a single mom. Y’know, I always felt like you and I have this-this special bond. Y’know? So, (gets down on one knee again) Rachel Green will you marry me? Rachel: What? Monica: What?! Phoebe: What?!! Joey: Pheebs, give me the ring back! Phoebe: No!! Rachel: No! Joey, oh you’re so sweet. You’re so-so sweet, honey. But I’m not, I’m not looking for a husband. Joey: (heartbroken) I understand. Rachel: Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go and lie down. (Exits.) Phoebe: I can’t say that didn’t hurt. But I’ll take you back Joey Tribbiani. Joey: Uh yeah. Pheebs, listen about that. I only offered… Phoebe: Ooh! A Salami Buddy! Joey: There you go! (Chandler and Ross enter with the new pictures.) Chandler: We’re back! Monica: Great! We’re hangin’ in the kitchen! (She drags him into the kitchen and turns his back to the living room) Let’s stay in the kitchen! Chandler: It’s picture time. Ross: Now you are going to love these. Chandler: (showing her the pictures) Here’s a picture of Ross. (Shows another one.) And that’s me. (Another one.) And that’s me and Ross. (Another one.) Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple. Monica: Wow! That is a great picture! Chandler: Eh? Monica: Yeah! Oh and interesting because I found the cameras in one of our bags! (Throws them into his chest.) Ross: Huh, didn’t see that coming. Chandler: Okay, so this isn’t a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first kiss with…with this lady. Which by the look on your face I’m sure you’ll remember. So we don’t need—(Rips the picture)—There’s no need to have this picture. How about I take the real pictures and get them developed right now. Monica: That would be a good idea. Chandler: Okay. (Sees the living room.) You opened all the presents without me?! I thought we were supposed to do that together! Monica: You kissed another woman! Chandler: Call it even?! Monica: Okay! (They high-five and he walks out.) Ross: Well, I’m gonna go get these (the floral bouquet he walked in with) in some water. Phoebe: Wait you stole those from these people’s wedding? Ross: No-no, I took them from the hotel lobby. Yeah, they think they can charge me for some dirty movie and a bag of Mashuga nuts, they got another think coming. (Starts to leave.) Hey! My sweater! I’ve been looking for this for like a month! (He exits leaving a stunned Phoebe and Monica.) Monica and Phoebe: Oh my God!! Joey: (slow on the uptake) Oh my God! Closing Credits [Scene: A Street, Ross walks past Tag wearing the same red sweater.] Ross: Hey! How you doing? Tag: Good! Good, long time no see. Ross: Yeah. Tag: Like your sweater. Ross: Oh hey, right back at ya. Tag: Oh, it’s crazy about Rachel huh? Ross: Yeah. She—Well, she’s one crazy lady? Tag: So whose is it? Ross: (shows Tag his sweater tag) Umm, I don’t some Italian guy. Come on, read your own label. See you later. Tag: Okay. (They separate.) Ross: He is so weird. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x02 - The One With The Red Sweater"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are getting ready to go on their honeymoon. Monica is entering from the bedroom.] Chandler: Hey! Babe! Aren’t you excited we’re going on our honeymoon? Monica: Yeah I am! Chandler: (singing) Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama… Monica: That’s right. Get it out of your system while we’re alone. Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Hey! Phoebe: Yeah! Have a great honeymoon! Chandler: I’d better go pack. Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldn’t find though was your Speedo. (Joey looks at him, Phoebe tries not to smile, and Chandler is shocked.) Chandler: A Speedo? Uh, I don’t have a Speedo. I’m gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit. (Goes into the bedroom.) Rachel: (entering) Oh good you’re still here! Monica: Hey! Rachel: I want to tell you to have a good honeymoon! (Hugs Monica.) Monica: Thank you. Rachel: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. (They all look at her expectantly) What? What? What? (Pause.) Joey: We know its Ross! Rachel: How?! How do you know? Phoebe: It was his sweater, but—Oh my God! Rachel: Oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I’m so relieved you guys know. Monica: This is so great! And I’m gonna be your baby’s aunt! Rachel: I know! (They hug.) Phoebe: Me too! (Joins the hug.) Joey: I’m gonna be an uncle! Come here! (He joins the hug.) Rachel: (breaking the hug) You’re all gonna be aunts and uncles. Monica: Yeah, but I’m the only one related by blood. Rachel: Okay. Great! So now that you guys all know you can help me. Give me some advice on how I’m gonna tell Ross! Monica: Well, what were you gonna say? Rachel: Well I was gonna tell him that I’m-I’m gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants. Joey: Well that, that sounds good. Rachel: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, what’s-what’s the first thing that I say? (They all pause to think.) Okay great! Thanks. (She starts to leave.) Monica: Hey! Good luck! Phoebe: Yeah, bye. Joey: Bye. (Rachel exits.) Chandler: (entering) Hey, what was that all about? Monica: Well I guess there is no harm in telling you now, Rachel and Ross are gonna have a baby. Chandler: (in a high pitched voice) What?! I didn’t even know that—Why didn’t you tell me?! (Pause) Why am I talking like this?! Monica: I didn’t think you could keep it a secret. Chandler: (in the high pitched voice) What?! (Normal voice) I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets. Joey: What secrets? Chandler: Oh no-no Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper. (The girls walk away.) Joey: (whispering to Chandler) You’ll tell me later? Chandler: You already know. Opening Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are entering.] Phoebe: Oh, it's so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon. Joey: Y’know, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something. Phoebe: All in good time my love. All in good time. Oh sh**t! I left my guitar in their apartment. Well you can let me in later. Joey: I don’t have a key, they took mine to give to you. Phoebe: What?! They took mine to give to you! Joey: Why would they take away our keys? Phoebe: Maybe they don’t trust us. Joey: No that’s not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were out of town. Phoebe: You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monica’s guest towels? Joey: Hey, I washed those! Phoebe: No you didn’t. Joey: Yeah that didn’t sound like me. Phoebe: Well, what am I gonna do? I really need my guitar! Joey: Yeah, I have stuff in there too. Phoebe: What stuff? Joey: Monica’s chicken parm! I’ll take care of it. (He picks up the phone) Hey Mr. Treeger, it’s Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica and Chandler’s apartment. It’s an emergency. (Listens) Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and bring garlic bread. (Hangs up.) Ross: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Did Rachel find you? Ross: No why? Phoebe: Oh she was looking for you. Ross: Oh well, I guess I’ll catch up with her later. Phoebe: Well, she really wanted to talk to you now. Joey: Yeah, it seemed pretty important. Ross: Oh no. Phoebe: What? Ross: I think I might know what this is about. (Phoebe and Joey trade looks) Joey: Really? Ross: Yeah. Uh, uh we promised we weren’t gonna tell anybody this but uh, about a month ago Rachel and I slept together. Phoebe: (deadpan) And? Ross: Wow! I thought you would be a little more shocked. Phoebe: Oh sorry. (Shocked) And?! Ross: Well, we-we said we’d just do it that one time but, but now I think she may wanna start things up again. Joey: Yeah, I don’t think that’s what it is. Ross: Why? What-what else could it be? Joey: Oh wow, I don’t feel well. Ross: I’m telling you. I’m telling you. That’s what it is. No wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. She didn’t say anything to you? Phoebe: (To Joey) Maybe it’s something you ate? Joey: Please, just-just, just go and talk to Rachel. Ross: Yeah, I guess I should. (Starts to leave.) Man, y’know what I have to realize? Maybe I’m just not the type of guy women can have just one night with. Y’know, they-they always seem to want a little bit more. I should remember that. (He pauses and then exits.) [Scene: The Airport Ticket Counter, Monica and Chandler are standing in line behind another couple kissing who are next in line to be served.] Ticket Agent: Next? (The kissing couple doesn’t move.) Monica: They’re kissing let’s just go around them. Chandler: Oh honey, leave them alone, they’re in love. Monica: I’m in love too! But in an orderly fashion. Ticket Agent: Next? Monica: (to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and walk? ‘Cause she said, "Next." (The couple moves up to the counter.) Woman: Sorry. We didn’t hear you; we’re on our honeymoon. Ticket Agent: Oh, let me see what I can do. (Checks the computer) There are some first class seats available. Monica: (To Chandler) Did you hear that?! They bumped them up to first class because they are on their honeymoon! Come on! Let’s act like we’re on our honeymoon. Chandler: We are on our honeymoon. Monica: Grab my ass! Ticket Agent: Next? (They go up to the counter.) Monica: Hi, sorry. I almost didn’t hear you, because y’know I’m just so in love with my new husband. We’re on our honeymoon. Ticket Agent: Congratulations. Okay, Mr. Bing you’ll be in 25J and Mrs. Bing you’ll be in 25K. Monica: Oh no, you see we’re on our honeymoon. So umm, can you do your little thing and bump us up to first class? Ticket Agent: I’m sorry, all our first class seats are taken. That couple got the last two. Monica: You see, if we’d gone around them like I said, we—She would’ve given us those tickets. Damnit! Chandler: 25J and K, any chance those aren’t together? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Joey are playing Rock ‘em, Sock ‘em Robots.] Joey: I still can’t believe they took away my key. You trust me with yours. Phoebe: Of course I do! And I’m gonna give it back to you as soon as they’re done with it at the key shining place. (They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.) Joey: What the hell is that? (They go into the hallway and see Mr. Treeger watching one of New York’s bravest breakdown Monica and Chandler’s door with an ax.] Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Treeger, what are you doing? Mr. Treeger: You said there was a gas leak in here. Phoebe: Well why don’t you use your key? Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on this thing (Holds up a huge key ring with a thousand keys on it), the whole place might have exploded. If that happens at another building that I manage, people are gonna start asking questions. (To the fireman) Come on! Hurry up. (With a final swing the door gives way.) Phoebe: Oh! We could have done that. [Scene: The Airport, Chandler and Monica are following the previous couple through a tiny hallway that proves this is a set on a sound stage and not an actual airport, and see them enter the first class lounge.] Monica: Look at that! Look at that! They’re going into the first class lounge! Do you know what they have in there? Chandler: No. Monica: Me neither! We have to get in! (She runs through the door with Chandler in tow.) Chandler: Just act like you belong. Monica: Oh my God! Oranges! Chandler: Shh! (To the guy behind the counter) Nice to see you again. (They tries to walk past him.) Airline Employee: Uh sir, may I see your tickets please? Chandler: Yes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.) Airline Employee: I’m sorry, would you move your thumb? I can’t see the seat number. Chandler: Oh that’s all right, I have it memorized. It’s 1A. Airline Employee: (grabbing the ticket from him) Sir, this is not a first class ticket. I’m sorry. Chandler: Apology accepted. Excuse us. (They try to enter again.) Airline Employee: Sir! I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. Monica: Fine. (Starts to walk away then she runs over and grabs an orange before she exits.) Go! Go! Go! [Scene: The Hallway Outside Ross’s Apartment, Ross is walking towards his apartment and sees Rachel sitting in front of the door.] Rachel: (seeing him) Hi! Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi. (He helps her up.) Umm, I think there’s something that we really need to talk about. Ross: (quietly confident) I think we do. Why don’t we go inside? (They go inside.) Look uh, I know why you’re here. Rachel: You do? Ross: Yeah, and to save you from any embarrassment umm, I think maybe I should talk first. Rachel: (warily) Okay. Ross: Okay. (He sits her down in a chair.) Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. That’s been one heck of a see-saw hasn’t it? Rachel: (confused) What? Ross: I mean look, that-that one night we had was fun and…and certainly passionate, but don’t you think it’s better if we just stayed friends? Rachel: Seriously. What?! Ross: Okay. Okay. Y’know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean I’d-I’d be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now. Rachel: Okay, y’know what? Can I, can I talk now? Ross: Oh sure. (He sits on the apothecary table and touches her hand.) Rachel: (touches his knee) I’m pregnant. (Ross stops.) Ross? (Ross is staring off into space.) Ross? (Ross is still frozen) Okay, whenever you’re ready. (Sits back and opens her magazine.) And you’re the father by the way—but you got that… Commercial Break [Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.] Rachel: (closes her magazine) Can I get you some water? Ross: I’m good. I’m good. Rachel: Ross, there is no pressure on you. Okay? I mean you can as involved as you want. (Ross nods.) Ross: Yeah, I need uh… I’m just—I don’t know—I don’t understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom. Rachel: I know. I know, but y’know condoms only work like 97% of the time. Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!! Rachel: They do! Ross: No they don’t!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!! Rachel: Okay Ross come on let’s just forget about the condoms. Ross: Oh well I may as well have! Rachel: Listen, y’know what? I was really freaked out too when I found out… Ross: Freaked out? Hey no, I’m not freaked out! I’m indignant! As a consumer! Rachel: Y’know what? Let’s, let’s talk later. Ross: No! No! I want to talk now! Okay? I—In fact, (picks up the phone) I am going to talk to the president of the condom company! Rachel: Okay, y’know maybe I should come back… (Starts to leave.) Ross: (grabs her) Shh! Shh! Shh! Rachel: (stops) Okay. Ross: (on phone) Yeah I’ll press 1! (Presses one which allows Rachel to escape.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mr. Treeger has finished inspecting Monica and Chandler’s apartment.] Mr. Treeger: I’ve looked everywhere. There’s no gas leak. Joey: (eating) Huh. So then I can heat this up? (Goes and does so.) Mr. Treeger: Anyway uh, I’ll get moving on that new door. Phoebe: Oh great! And listen, could you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and Monica about this? ‘Cause y’know umm, they don’t-they don’t have any kids of their own and-and this door was like a child to them. Mr. Treeger: Well I’m gonna have to put on a new lock, they’ll find out anyway. Phoebe: Oh no. Mr. Treeger: (measures the top of the doorframe) Whoa! This looks like an all day job, I’ll have to cancel my yoga class. (Ross walks up.) Hey Ross! Ross: Hi. Mr. Treeger: Could you tell Jasmine that I won't make it to yoga class today? Ross: Sure. Mr. Treeger: Namaste. (Bows.) Ross: Namaste. (Bows.) (Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.) Ross: Oh my God! What happened to the door?! Joey: So it’s noticeable huh? Ross: Look, is Rachel here? I really need to talk to her. Phoebe: Didn’t you two already talk? Ross: Yeah but uh… Okay, okay look you guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there’s something else. (Pause) Rachel’s pregnant. Joey: (simultaneously) Oh my God!!! I can’t believe that!! Phoebe: (simultaneously) Holy mother of God!!! Ross: With my child. Phoebe: That is brand new information!! Ross: You already know don’t you? Phoebe: A little bit. Joey: How are you doing? Ross: Okay. Okay. I mean I’ll be okay. It’s just I don’t think I handled it very well. Joey: Well, what did you say to her? Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful. And then when I turned around she was gone. Phoebe: Oh Ross. Ross: But hey, in my defense I-I just found out condoms are like only 97% effective. Joey: (shocked) What? Ross: I gotta go find her. Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they don’t even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box! Ross: Evidently they do. Joey: What?! (Grabs his condoms from his pocket and looks.) [Scene: The Atlantis Resort, Chandler and Monica are arriving to check in, but are behind the couple from before again.] Monica: I can’t believe we’re here. Chandler: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. Monica: What? (Monica sees the first couple and gasps.) Front Desk Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the honeymoon suite. Monica: No!! You have been screwing us all day! Man: Who are you? Chandler: We’re you just ten seconds later! Monica: Yeah! You already got the first class tickets; you got the lounge! I mean we should get free stuff too! I mean you’re not the only ones on your honeymoon! Woman: Well you can have the suite if you want. We don’t care about where we stay. We’re here to celebrate our love together. We don’t have to get free stuff. We just want to be together. Chandler: (looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is on the phone and Phoebe is watching him.] Joey: Hey Monica it’s Joey. Listen uh, Phoebe and I smell gas comin’ from your apartment. Monica: What? Are you serious?! (To Chandler) Joey smells gas! Chandler: What else is new? Joey: Yeah and we’d go check it out, but you took away our keys. Monica: Well do something! Get in there! Joey: How? I guess I could break down your door. Monica: Yeah! Do that! Joey: And-and you won’t blame us for any damage? (Gives Phoebe a thumbs up.) Monica: No! (Pause) Are you doing it?! I don’t hear anything! Come on! Joey: Uh, okay I’ll-I’ll-I’ll break it down. (He hands the phone to Phoebe, gets up, picks up a chair, and starts banging it on the floor.) Phoebe: Oh hey hi, he’s doing it. He’s breaking down the door. (The chair breaks in half.) Okay, we’re in. (She hangs up the phone.) [Scene: A doctor’s office, Rachel is on an examining table with her legs in the stirrups.] Nurse: Okay Rachel, are you comfortable? Rachel: (sighs) If I said I was, would you judge me? Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram. Rachel: Okay. (The nurse exits.) Oh man, I swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn… (There’s a knock on the door and Ross enters.) Ross: Hi! Rachel: (shocked) Hi! Ross: Uh we-we need to talk. Rachel: Uh-uh-uh, right now? Because I’ve kinda got an el fresco situation going on over here. Ross: Please, please I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today. Rachel: Okay Ross that’s fine, but can you please stand near my head? Ross: What? Oh yeah. (He moves next to her head.) I’m sorry. I mean I-I think I went a little crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I (Wanders towards Rachel’s feet) really—I should have been thinking about you Rach… Rachel: Okay. Head Ross! Head Ross! Head Ross! Ross: Right! Right! I just—I want you to know that I’m going to be there through this whole thing, okay? Okay? The doctor’s appointments, the uh, the Lamaze classes, uh baby-proofing the apartment—Although we could probably worry about that ‘til after we get married. Rachel: What married? Ross: Well yeah, I think we should get married. Rachel: What, because that’s your answer to everything? Ross: No, because that’s the right thing to do. Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you’re in love. But Ross, we are not in love, are we? Ross: No but…but still you can’t possibly do this alone. Rachel: Excuse me? Ross: Come on Rach, you can’t even eat alone in a restaurant. Rachel: What?! Ross: I’m just saying if you can’t eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself? Rachel: I can too eat by myself! Ross: When have you ever? Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished! Ross: Well certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup! Rachel: Oh please, you inhale your food! Ross: I grew up with Monica! If you didn’t eat fast you didn’t eat!! Dr. Long: (entering) Am I interrupting? Rachel: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father. Ross: But not the husband, because evidently she can do this alone. Dr. Long: Huh. Nice to meet you. I’ll get started on this. Ross: (To Rachel, standing by her feet) I don’t know why you can’t admit that you need me. Rachel: I do need you! I need you to stand near my head! Dr. Long: Okay, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. (We see Ross and Rachel looking at the screen.) Here is your uterus. And right here is your baby. Ross: Oh my God. Rachel: Wow. There it is, I see it. Dr. Long: Congratulations. I’ll give you two a minute. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Thank you. (Dr. Long exits and Rachel starts to cry.) Ross: Pretty amazing huh? Rachel: I don’t see it! Ross: What? What?! Rachel: I can’t see it! Ross: You-you just said that you did! Rachel: I know, I lied! I didn’t want her to think I was a terrible mother! I can’t even see my own baby! Ross: Oh sure, come here! (Sits her up) Sure you can! Uh, look come here look, (rolls the machine closer) it’s-it’s-it’s, it’s right there (Points). Rachel: Oh. Oh, it’s beautiful. I see it now. Ross: Do you really? Rachel: No, I don’t see it! Ross: Come on! Come on! Here, okay-okay, you see this? (Points) This tiny thing that looks like a peanut? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Sweetie that’s it. Rachel: That’s it? Well I saw that! Ohh-ohh-oh, thank you. Ross: You’re welcome. Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe that’s our baby. Ross: Yeah, that’s our baby. Closing Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are there as Rachel and Ross return from the doctor’s appointment.] Rachel: Hi. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! So how was the doctor? Rachel: Oh, everything went great. Phoebe: Good. Ross: Oh hey, show them the picture of your uterus. (She does so.) Phoebe: Oh. Joey: I don’t see the baby. Where is it? Rachel: Oh no, I know I couldn’t see it either at first, but it’s right umm… (Starts to cry) Ross, I lost it again. Ross: Oh. (He takes the picture and hugs her. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x03 - The One Where Rachel Tells\u2026"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon.] Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I can’t wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together. Monica: You’re really sticking with the shell necklace huh? (Points to necklace of shells he’s wearing.) (Joey and Phoebe burst forth from his apartment.) Phoebe: Hi! Joey: Hey! You’re back! (Hugs and kisses all around.) Monica: Hi sweetie! Phoebe: Come on in! (They grab the luggage and drag it into Joey and Rachel’s forcing Monica and Chandler to follow.) Phoebe: So how was the honeymoon? Monica: Oh, so much fun. But the best part is, we met this incredible couple on the way back. Phoebe: That was the best part? (To Chandler) Good honeymooning tiger. Monica: No, they were really cool. They were on their honeymoon too! Chandler: They’re terrific, and they live right here in the city. Monica: Yeah, can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I wanna call. Chandler: I’m sorry, we’re just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with. Monica: I know. Joey: A couple? Like two people? Like (points to himself) one (points to Phoebe), two people? Monica: This is different! Greg and Jenny are in a relationship. Phoebe: Oh, Greg and Jenny yuck! (Angrily) Hi Greg, I’m Chandler this is Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg. Chandler: Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance… Joey: Y’know what? Why don’t you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here? Chandler: We really…didn’t get a chance to… Phoebe: You have got to be kidding me! Monica: We didn’t get anything for anyone. Joey: Hm-mm! Yeah nice necklace! Monica: That you can have. Opening Credits {Transcriber’s Note: Tradition was broken here as there were no commercials immediately after the opening credits, just more show.} [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Rachel are entering with the rest of the gng already inside.] Rachel: Hi! All: Hey! Ross: Hello! Rachel: Welcome home. Ross: So, how was the honeymoon? Monica: It was great! It was great! How about you?! I mean you’re having a baby! Rachel: Oh! Look! I have a sonogram picture! Monica: Oh great! (Shows them the picture.) Chandler: Ross! It’s got your wavy black lines! Monica: All right, so now that Ross knows can you tell us y’know how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen? Phoebe: Monica! That’s not right! Start with where. (Rachel looks at Ross and gets his approval.) Rachel: Well it happened about six weeks ago, and uh I had just got home from work and Ross was already there ‘cause I guess he had been hanging out with Joey. Joey: You’re welcome buddy. Ross: (glaring at him) Yeah, thanks. (Joey nods no problem.) Rachel: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me. Ross: (laughs) Umm that’s…that’s a little misleading. Rachel: What is? Ross: The lie you just told. Rachel: That-that you came on to me? Ross: There’s the one! Rachel: But you did! I mean, let’s be honest. Ross: Yes let’s. Y’know what? Uh, it’s-it’s not important. What is important is that, is that we’re having a baby. And it’s not—Doesn’t matter who came on to who. Joey: Whom. (Everyone looks at him shocked.) That’s right. Rachel: You know you kissed me first. Ross: What? What?! You were begging me to kiss you! You-you-you were sending me signals all over the place! Rachel: I was sending you signals? Ross: Yeah! Rachel: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross begging symbols, please show of hands. (Ross raises his hand and no one else.) Ross: Y’know what?! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter what you believe! What matters is what happened! Rachel: Okay. So these signals Ross, explain this to me, ‘cause maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now? Ross: Y’know what? Y’know what? Rachel, just-just drop it. Rachel: No please, show me how I begged you! Ross: I can show you, I have it on videotape! (Stunned silence) It’s an expression. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time has lapsed, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table.] Phoebe: I can’t believe he taped the two of them having sex! Joey: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake. Chandler: Y’know who has a great video camera? Phoebe: (nasally) Greg and Jenny? Monica: Do you still wanna call ‘em? I wanna call ‘em. Chandler: Let’s call ‘em. Joey: Yeah! Ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs! (Monica goes over and dials their number.) Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Eighth street deli? Joey: Hey, hang up! You get food poisoning just talkin’ to that place. Monica: (on phone) Uh sorry, wrong number. (Hangs up) Chandler: Here you go. (Shows her the number again.) Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) (To All) It’s the deli again! Joey: All right! I’ll have a sandwich! Monica: (hangs up) I don’t think this number’s right! (Joey and Phoebe laugh.) Chandler: What? Phoebe: You got fake numbered. Monica: What?! People don’t do that! Joey: Oh I think we do. Monica: They gave us a fake number? Why? Why would they do that? Chandler: I don’t know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions. Monica: And you’ve never been funnier. Joke, joke, joke, you were a hoot! Joey: Y’know what? Don’t worry about it, you still got me and Phoebe. Phoebe: Excuse me, I don’t want Greg and Jenny’s rejects. Ross: (entering) Rachel won’t talk to me! She won’t even open the door! Phoebe: Hmm, I wonder why. Pervert! Ross: Okay, listen I am not a pervert! Phoebe: That’s like the pervert motto! Yeah! Yeah! They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that! Ross: Filming Rachel is not something I planned. Okay look, here’s what happened, and Joey you-you can back me up on this. All right, about-about a month and a half ago I came to you with a problem? Umm, a personal thing. Joey: Personal thing? What personal thing? I don’t know. Ross: About…about sex? (Joey looks at him confused) That I hadn’t had sex in months? Joey: (laughs) Yeah I knew what you were talkin’ about. Six Weeks Earlier [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading a cereal box as Ross enters wearing the red sweater.] Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey. Ross: Do you have a minute? I’d like to talk to you about something I’m, I’m really uncomfortable talking about. Joey: Sure. What? About uh, you showering with your mom? Ross: I actually had a topic in mind! I’m, I’m kinda going through a dry spell, sex wise. Joey: Whoa, for like months? Ross: Five to be lying, six. Joey: Six months? Whoa that’s rough. Ross: Well, I mean it’s not all bad. I’m learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky. Joey: The sky’s blue Ross and I had sex yesterday! Ross: Please, help me! I have a date tonight. It has to go well okay—I’m scared for my health! Joey: Okay. Okay. Umm…Ooh! Oh-oh, I got something. It’s this story I came up with, very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it; they’re like putty. Ross: Really? Well then tell it to me. Joey: Okay. Now you’re gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember it is just the story. Ross: (sarcastic) I’ll try to control myself. Joey: Okay. (Clears throat) Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe… Ross: (laughs) You were backpacking across Western Europe? Joey: Have a nice six more months Ross! (Starts to leave.) Ross: (stopping him) Okay! Okay! Okay. I’m sorry. Please, please, you were in Western Europe and? Joey: I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all around. (Whispering) It was dad silent. Gorgeous. (Softly) And across the lake I saw…a beautiful woman…bathing herself…but she was crying… Ross: (intently listening) Why? [Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is on his date with Kristen and they’re drinking wine.] Kristen: Umm, this is great wine. Ross: It’s from France…In Europe…Western Europe. Y’know umm, a few years ago I actually was backpacking across Western Europe. Kristen: Really? Ross: Uh-hmm—Wait! It gets better. Um, yeah I was in Barcelona. Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona. (Ross is stunned and worried.) Ross: Anyway, umm so I was um, I was hiking… Kristen: I love hiking! Ross: (whines) Oh that’s great! I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidaybo… Kristen: I think its Tibidabo. Ross: Okay! Do you wanna tell the story?! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Ross enters.] Joey: Whoa! What are you doing here? How did your date go? Ross: Great! I’m across the street having sex with her right now. Your story sucks! Joey: Hey! Look, if it didn’t work it’s because you didn’t tell it right! Show me how you did it. Ross: No! No, I don’t…don’t want to. Joey: How long since you’ve seen a girl naked? Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe. Joey: I’m not feeling it. Ross: I was just outside Barcelona, hiking… Joey: No! No! No Ross! I’m not hot! Are you hot? Ross: It’s been six months! I’m always hot! Joey: Well you’re not selling the story! It’s like; it’s like you don’t believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when I’m preparing for an audition. Okay? I’ll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and-and see what you’re doing wrong. Ross: I’ll try that. Joey: All right now… All right, you’re all set up. You’re good to go. Just ht record. All right? Ross: Thanks. Joey: Good luck. Ross: Thanks. And-and hey Joe? Joey: Yeah? Ross: Listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know I’ll help you out. Joey: (trying not to laugh) That means a lot to me man. (Exits.) (Ross pours himself a glass of wine, hits record, and sits down in front of the camera.) Ross: Hello! Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery okay? (Rachel bursts in carrying two boxes and Ross jumps up.) Rachel! Rachel: Oh Ross! Ross: Hi! Rachel: Thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself? Ross: That’s less embarrassing, yes. Yes I was. (They sit down on the couch, which is in front of the still recording camera.) Ross: (voiceover) So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. [Cut back to the present day.] It kept rolling and recorded everything. (Pause) Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna need to see that tape. (They rest of them agree.) Monica: Yeah, definitely. Ross: What a great idea! That will get Rachel to forgive me! Joey: Y’know what? This is not fair to her. Let’s just forget the tape! Ross: Thank you. (Joey mouths to Ross, "You’ll show me right?") No! Joey: You’re right. (Mouths, "I know you’ll show me, right?) Ross: Joey! No! Joey: Loud and clear! (Mouths, "You’ll show me," and nods.) (Ross storms out.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are now sitting in the living room.] Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number. Joey: Y’know, if they knew what they were doing they probably didn’t give you real names either. Monica: Okay, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don’t give out fake names. Joey: Oh yeah? (To Phoebe) Hi, Ken Adams, nice to meet you. Phoebe: Regina Philange. (Ken and Regina shake hands.) Chandler: I still don’t get it, we didn’t do anything wrong. Monica: I know! Although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes. Chandler: I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke! Monica: (rolling her head from side to side) Joke. Joke. Blah! Blah! (Joey and Phoebe laugh.) Chandler: Well maybe it was all of your questions. Monica: What about my questions? Chandler: The sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler! Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Was that another joke? Chandler: (angrily) Was that another question? Rachel: (entering) Hey! Is Ross still here? Joey: Uh no Rach, he’s gone. But listen, he told us what happened and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake. Rachel: Oh really? Well how would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped it? (Joey smiles luridly) Oh forget it! (Ross enters.) Oh there he is now, the father of my child, the prn king of the west village. Ross: Look, it was accident! Okay? I-I feel bad that it happened, but I swear, I didn’t even watch it! Anyway, here. (He takes the tape out of his coat pocket.) I thought you might be more comfortable destroying it yourself. (Tosses her the tape.) Rachel: Thank you. (She sets it on the floor and is about to stomp on it with her shoe when the rest of the g*ng jumps up and yells simultaneously.) What? (They all yell again.) You don’t want to see this do you? Monica: Hell yeah!!! Rachel: I am not gonna show you this! Phoebe: No! Not the sex part, just the stuff leading up to it. Ross: Forget it, she’s destroying it. Phoebe: Okay fine! Fine! We’ll just have to think of some other way to put the whole ‘Who came onto who,’ thing to rest! Come on now, think!! Ross: Look, forget it Phoebe. Okay? It’s Rachel’s tape and she can do whatever she wants with it. And she wants to destroy it. So, end of story. Rachel: I wanna see it. Ross: What?! Rachel: Clearly you don’t want people to see this tape. Now I don’t want people to see this tape either, but you so badly don’t people to see it makes me want to see it. You see? Joey: (confused) Are we watchin’ the tape or not?! Ross: I don’t want people to see it for your sake. Rachel: Ahh, I don’t believe you. I think you don’t want them to see you begging me. (Goes to put the tape in the VCR) Ross: Rachel, please… Rachel: Ah, a little preview! Ross: Fine. Fine, but I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road, because in about five minutes I’m gonna be saying…(He laughs and points at Rachel sarcastically.) (They both sit down.) Rachel: Okay, here we go. (Pushes play.) Ross: (on tape) Hello! Can I get you anything? Joey: (To Phoebe) I’m so happy! Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the scene is continued from earlier.] Rachel: (on tape) Oh, thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself? Rachel: There I am. Phoebe: You’re gonna get pregnant. Rachel: (on tape) I screwed up so bad, I told Monica that I would stuff and send all these wedding invitations like weeks ago and I-I… Ross: (on tape) You didn’t do it? Rachel: (on tape) I-I know—I had put them in…in-in my desk at work and I completely forgot about them until today. (Chandler is shocked and Rachel gets scared of Monica very quickly.) Monica: (taking Rachel’s hand) Sweetie okay. It’s okay. Everybody made it to the wedding. I’m fine. Rachel: Kinda hurtin’ my hand though. Monica: I know. Rachel: (on tape) (Ross hands her a glass of wine) I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! (Mimicking Monica) "Okay Rachel! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel!" (She tilts her wine glass above and moves it back and forth across the invitations) Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh…oh-oh-oh… (Rachel hits fast forward. Monica is completely shocked.) Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?! Ross: (pause) Not on the ones we sent out. Chandler: So, just the ones gave back to us and we had framed! (Slams the framed invitation down onto the table.) (Rachel stops fast forwarding.) Rachel: (on tape) Can you believe this is already happening? I mean it seems like yesterday they just got engaged. Ross: (on tape) I know. Hey remember…remember the night they got engaged? How uh, you and I almost… Rachel: (on tape) Oh, I remember how we almost. Do you think we would’ve gone through with it? Y’know, if we hadn’t gotten caught. Do you think we would’ve done it? Ross: (on tape) I mean I…I know I wanted to. I just, I just wasn’t sure if you wanted to. Rachel: (on tape) Oh I wanted to. (Ross and Rachel trade looks while watching the tape.) Ross: (on tape) So we…we both wanted to. Rachel: (on tape) Interesting. Ross: (on tape) Yeah. (Pause) Anyway umm, it probably worked out for the best. Rachel: (on tape) Oh yeah, sure. Rachel: Okay, in about ten seconds you’re gonna see him kiss me. Ross: And in about five seconds you’re gonna see why. Rachel: (on tape) Ross did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe? (Joey’s shocked and everyone else looks at Rachel.) Rachel: Okay, get ready to see some beggin’! Phoebe: Oh, you came on to Ross! Rachel: What?! Ross: Now I’m so happy. Rachel: What are you talking about?! Monica: You used the Europe story! Chandler: That’s the magic story you use when you wanna have sex! Rachel: How do you know about that story?! Joey: How do you know about that story?! Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy! Joey: (raises his hand) Some guy!! (Points to himself.) Rachel: No. No, she told me his name was Ken Adams. Joey: (raises his hand and points to himself again) Ken Adams!! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is looking at the tape sitting on the counter as Ross enters.] Ross: Hi. Rachel: So uh, apparently people are familiar with the Europe story? Ross: Yeah. Listen about that, the whole uh, who came on to who thing really doesn’t matter. I mean, I think it would’ve happened either way. I mean if you hadn’t initiated it I-I-I know I would’ve. Rachel: It was an amazing night. Ross: It was. It was an amazing night. (Pause) Rachel: You think it looked amazing? Ross: I uh… I don’t know. I mean I…I honestly didn’t watch it. Rachel: Yeah, me neither. Yet… Ross: Uhhhhhh…that-that may be weird. Rachel: Yeah, it would be really weird. (Ross grabs the tape and heads for the VCR as Rachel goes over and puts the chain on the door and locks it.) Ross: Good luck. Rachel: Good luck to you. (Ross pushes play.) Ross: Mind if I mute? Rachel: Oh please. (He does so.) Ross: Oh, oh there go the clothes. Rachel: You are undressing very quickly. Ross: Six months Rachel, six months. Ross and Rachel: Ah. (Pause) Oh. Ross: Hey. We-we look…we look pretty good. Rachel: That’s what I was gonna say. Ross: Oh nice tan! Rachel: Thank you! I had just gone to the beach that weekend. Ross: Ah…. Rachel: Have you been working out? Ross: I have been working out. Rachel: Really? Wow, this is so much better than I… Ross and Rachel: Ohh! Ew! Ross: Oh that’s not pretty. Rachel: Oh! Oh! Ross: No! Rachel: Oh God! Ross: Oh no! Rachel: Oh, make it stop! Ross: Oh no!! Rachel: Make it stop!! Ross: No!! Rachel: Have to make it stop!! Ross: No!!! (They both get out of the chair and run for the VCR.) Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler have gone through the phone book and found Greg and Jenny’s number which Monica has just dialed.] Monica: (on phone) Hello Greg? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica from the plane? Listen, the number that you gave me 853-5… (Listens) (To Chandler) That is their old number! Jenny’s been giving it out since they moved! Chandler: Jenny! That is so Jenny! Monica: (on phone) Hey listen umm, how would you like to get together? Say next Saturday? (Listens) Okay, how about Sunday? (Listens) Okay umm, the week after that? (Listens) The week after that? (Listens) Y’know what Greg? Y’know what? We are good, interesting, funny people with good questions and if you and your precious Jenny can’t see that then… (Listens) January 15th? (Chandler dances.) We’ll see you then! (Listens) Okay! (She hangs up the phone and they hug.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x04 - The One With The Videotape"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, she is frantically working and is handing two finished dishes to a waitress.] Monica: Okay, now this one is rare, this one is medium well! Now go-go-go! (Phoebe enters) Hey Phoebe! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey how was dinner?! Phoebe: Dinner was good! Monica: Okay! Phoebe: I’m just saying hi! Now I’m gonna go! Monica: Okay! (Phoebe turns to leave but notices an attractive man.) Phoebe: (To him) Oh, well hello there. Guy: Hi. Phoebe: (To Monica) I didn’t see this on the menu. Monica: Uh Tim? This is Phoebe. Phoebe this is Tim, my new sous chef. Phoebe: Oh, so you're Monica’s boss? Tim: Actually she’s my-my boss. Sous is French for under. Phoebe: Oh! I sous stand. Monica: Hey Tim? I need a calamari and a Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me the pesto? Tim: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh you…you made pesto? Tim: Yes I did. Phoebe: Would you say your pesto is the best-o? Tim: I…I-I don’t know, but I would say it’s pretty good-o. (Phoebe laughs too hard.) (Monica goes over and grabs the pesto.) Monica: All right, I still need a calamari and a Caesar salad. Tim: I like your necklace. Phoebe: I made it myself. Tim: You are so talented. Phoebe: Well, it’s no pesto. Monica: All right, all right! Let’s just cut to the chase, okay? (To Phoebe) You’re single. (To Tim) You’re single. (To Phoebe) He gets off work at eleven. (To Tim) She’ll be waiting for your call. (To Phoebe) I’ll give him your number if I can get one calamari and one Caesar salad!! (Everyone in the kitchen stops.) I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar. Opening Credits [Scene: Chandler’s Office, he’s working at his computer as his boss, Mr. Franklin, sticks his head in.] Mr. Franklin: Wow Bing! Burning the midnight oil. Chandler: You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet prn? Mr. Franklin: You’re a joker Bing. (Walks away.) Chandler: What’s funny about that? Ross: (running up) Hey! Sorry I kept you waiting so long. Chandler: Hey that’s okay. So, where do you want to go? Ross: Oh ah, I think you know where I want to go. Chandler: The Hard Rock Café? Ross: Yeah! Chandler: Again?! Ross: Yeah!! (They go out to the elevators.) Ross: I’m telling you, I like the food! Chandler: You like the Purple Rain display! (A guy walks up.) Hey Bob. Bob: Hey Toby! Have a good night. (Walks by.) Ross: Did that guy just call you Toby? Chandler: Yeah, he thinks that’s my name. Ross: Well, why don’t you correct him? Chandler: Oh it’s been going on way to long now. Y’know, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn’t say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now it’s five years later, the donut’s gone and I’m still Toby. Ross: Five years?! Chandler you have to tell him! Chandler: No! That would be so awkward! Look—Besides, we work in different departments. He’s on the sixth floor y’know? So he calls me Toby once in a while. What’s the big deal? It could be worse, it’s not like he’s calling me Muriel. (Chandler suddenly freezes into place.) Ross: (laughs) Muriel. Wh-why would he call you Muriel? (Ross realizes something.) Oh my God! Chandler M Bing? It’s not just an M, your middle name is Muriel!! Chandler: Shh! It is a family name! Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they? [Scene: Days Of Our Lives set, Joey is doing a scene with a co-star as Rachel watches on a monitor.] Joey's Co-Star: Drake, I’ve discovered the reason for all your headaches and memory loss. Dr. Drake Ramoray: What is it? Joey's Co-Star: Apparently your brain transplant was not entirely successful. It seems your body is rejecting Jessica’s brain. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Is it serious? Joey's Co-Star: Not if we extract tissue from the original host body, synthesize antibodies, and introduce them into your system, which could stop it from rejecting the brain. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Well that sounds simple enough, let’s just do that. Joey's Co-Star: We would, but when we went to exhume Jessica’s body, it was gone. (Dramatic music plays and Joey does a little ‘Smell-the-fart’ acting.) Director: Cut! Very nice people! Joey: (To Rachel) Okay, let me just get changed and we can go to dinner. Rachel: Well don’t—What happened to Jessica’s body?! Joey: I’m not telling, you’ll have to see it on TV! Rachel: You don’t know do you? Joey: No, couldn’t care less. Joey's Co-Star: Hey good scene man. Joey: Hey you too! Joey's Co-Star: Alright. (Rachel clears her throat.) Joey: What? You weren’t in it. Rachel: Oh! (Motions to Joey’s co-star.) Joey: Oh sorry. Uh-uh, Kash? Kash: Yes? Joey: This is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Kash, Kash, Rachel. Rachel: Hi. Kash: Hey! How come I haven’t seen you here before? Rachel: Well, Joey probably thinks I’ll just embarrass him. Y’know, he thinks I’m some kind of a soap opera nut—Which I’m not! I’m not. Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. (Starts stroking his arm) And uh, and that your-your dog’s name is Wally. Well look at that, I’m just stroking your arm. Joey: (grabbing her) Here we go! Here we go! (Starts to pull her away from Kash.) Rachel: Oh, we’re leaving. Bye Kash. Kash: Bye. Rachel: Say hi to Wally. [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is getting coffee as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Ooh Monica! Monica: Hi! Phoebe: Oh my God! I had the best time with Tim last night. He is so sweet! Oh, I can’t wait to get sous-neath him. Monica: I…I have to fre him. Phoebe: But why?! Monica: Because he’s terrible! Okay, he’s slow, he burns things, last night he lit my pastry chef on fre! Phoebe: Well maybe he was just nervous, y’know you can be very intimidating. And besides I’ve met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two. Monica: Well, now she has no eyebrows, mission accomplished. Phoebe: But Monica, he loves his job so much! Can you just give him another chance? Please? Monica: (thinks about it) All right, but if-if he lights someone else on fre he is out of there! Phoebe: That’s fair! Thank you so much. Thanks. Oops, it looks like when he got the pastry chef he got you a little bit too. Monica: I paid to have this done. Phoebe: Love it! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating at the counter as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Joey: Oh you know uh Kash, really liked you the other day. He said he thought you were charming. Rachel: I thought I was a complete idiot. Joey: Hey, I’m with you. He even asked me if I thought you’d go out with him. Rachel: Oh! Oh, I think I’m gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say? Joey: I said no. Rachel: What?! Joey: What? I…I just figured since you’re pregnant you’re not gonna be seeing people. Rachel: Okay Joey, first of all Kash Ford is not people. Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant? Joey: I didn’t tell him. I didn’t know if you were telling people. This is back when I thought Kash was still people. Rachel: Good-good, don’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Just have him call me okay? Joey: Rach look, I really don’t think that’s such a great… Rachel: Okay, you go do it! I’ll come back to that set! I’ll meet more actors! I’ll meet ‘em all! [Scene: Chandler’s Office Building, Chandler is walking by the elevators and sees Bob standing there.] Chandler: Hey Bob. Bob: Hey! How’s my pal Toby doing today? Chandler: If I see him, I’ll ask. Bob: (laughs) Toby! (The elevator doors opens, Bob boards the elevator, Chandler walks away, and Mr. Franklin steps out of the elevator.) Mr. Franklin: Hey-hey! Bing? Was that Bob from six you were just talking too? Chandler: Yeah! Mr. Franklin: Oh then you know each other. Chandler: We’re on a semi-first name basis. Mr. Franklin: What do you think of adding him to our team? Chandler: Bob? Ooh, working here with us? Everyday? Yeah, I don’t know if he has what it takes. Mr. Franklin: Really? They love him down on six. Chandler: But this is eleven. It’s almost twice as hard up here. Mr. Franklin: Okay, I hear you loud and clear. Bob will stay put. Chandler: I think it’s best sir. Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. I’ve got a stack of documents on my desk this high. (Holds his hand at shoulder level.) Chandler: Y’know what you should do, just toss ‘em in the shedder and claim you never got ‘em. Mr. Franklin: (laughs) That’s a good one. (Walks away.) Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is in the kitchen as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey. Okay, I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go! Phoebe: But… Monica: No! No-no! He is totally incompetent. I called the chef who recommended him to me. He said, "Ha-ha! Gotcha!" Phoebe: Okay. Okay, but you can’t fre him today. Monica: Why not?! Phoebe: Because I’m dumping him today. Monica: What?! You said he was sweet! Phoebe: He is sweet. He’s too sweet. He calls me all the time. (Mimicking him) "So did-did you get home from work okay?" "Did-did you get out of the shower okay?" Monica: Just don’t pick up your phone. Phoebe: Then he comes over! (Mimicking him) "I’m so worried about you." Uck! Be a man! Monica: What? So now I’m not allowed to fre him? Phoebe: You can’t fre him and dump him the same day, he’ll kll himself. Monica: Okay well then, I’ll fre him today and you go out with him for another week. Phoebe: Are you kidding?! Another week with that sip, I’ll kll myself! Monica: Okay well, then we’ll both do it today and he’ll just have to deal with it! Phoebe: Okay. But the question is who’s gonna go first. ‘Cause whoever goes second is the bitch. Monica: What do you mean? Phoebe: Come on! The boss that fires a guy that’s just been dumped, bitch! And the woman who dumps a guy that’s just been fired, blond bitch! Monica: I wanted to do this days ago so I think I should go first. Phoebe: All right, that makes sense. (Starts towards the door.) Ugh. But—Screw you I’m going first! (She grabs her purse and runs out.) [Scene: Chandler’s Office Building, Bob is standing at the elevators and sees Chandler walk up.] Bob: Hey Toby, you got a sec? Chandler: Sure, what’s up? Bob: I just had a meeting, I was actually hoping to get transferred up here, but I just found out its not gonna happen. Apparently somebody thinks I’m not eleventh floor material. Say uh, who the hell is this Chandler? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date and Joey is reading a magazine.] Rachel: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight. "Umm, I’m a recovering alcoholic. I’m a Mormon," or "I got so hammered last night I’m still a little drunk?" Ross: (entering with a pizza and beer) Hey! Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hey! Ross: So, what do you want to do tonight? There’s a Ukrainian film at the Angelica that’s supposed to be very powerful. Interested? Joey: No. No. But I’ll go see a normal person movie with ya. Ross: Rach? You wanna come? Rachel: Oh no, I can’t. I got a date. Ross: A date? Rachel: Yeah. Why? Is that weird for you? Ross: Why no, it’s the opposite of weird. It’s-it’s uh, regular. It’s-it’s uh, it’s mundane. It’s actually uh, a little dull. Joey: It’s no Ukrainian film. Rachel: Yeah—Ooh! Earrings! (Goes into her room.) Ross: A date?! She’s-she’s got a date?! With who? Joey: I set her up with this actor on my show. Ross: You set her up?! Joey: No Ross: Joey what-what were you thinking?! Joey: Well, I was thinking that it’d probably be okay because Ross hasn’t gone out with Rachel in five years! Ross: Joey, I’m not worried about her! I’m worried about my baby! Whoever she dates my baby dates! Now-now where is this (makes the quote-marks sign) actor taking them? Joey: Hey! I’m an (does the quote-marks thing as well) actor too! I’m not sure. I think they’re taking the ferry out to some Italian place on Staten Island. Ross: A ferry? My baby is going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?! Joey: Are we talking about one of those big boats that carry cars that go like five miles an hour? Ross: Why don’t they just jump out of an airplane?! Huh?! That-that’s a fun date! Or burn each other with matches?! That’s fun too! Whew!! (There’s a knock on the door and Joey answers it.) Kash: Hey Joey. Joey: Hey Kash. Uh hey-hey this is Ross. Ross, this is Kash. Kash: Hey. Ross: Hi. I-I hear you’re going on a ferry tonight. Kash: Yeah. Ross: A bit of a daredevil are we? Rachel: (entering from her room) Hey guys do you think this is too slutty—Hi Kash! Kash: Hey Rachel! You ready to go? Rachel: Yeah! All right, I’ll see you guys later. Ross: Okay. Have a great time you guys. Rachel: Thank you. Kash: Thank you. Ross: Yes it is too slutty! (Joey slams the door before Rachel could hear the entire sentence.) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading a magazine as Tim enters.] Tim: (walks behind Phoebe) Hi! (And startles her.) Phoebe: Hi. Tim: Oh, I’m so glad you called. I feel like it’s always me calling you. So, what’s up? Is everything okay with Phoebe? Phoebe: It will be…in a minute. Listen, Tim you’re a really great guy. Tim: It’s because I’m with you. Phoebe: Aw. (Phoebe gets a bad taste in her mouth when he looks away) I’m just—I’m in a place in my life right now where I…I… (Tim’s beeper goes off and he answers it.) Tim: Whoops. Sorry. (Looking at it, like a newscaster) This just in. (Phoebe fake laughs.) Oh, it’s 9-1-1 from the restaurant, that means Monica needs me right away. (Starts to leave.) Phoebe: Oh-oh no she doesn’t! I know what that is. You can stay. Tim: Awww, I’ll miss you too Pheebs. (Starts to leave) And I will be holding you, right here. (Holds his hands over his heart, blows a kiss to Phoebe who catches it, and then leaves and Phoebe throws the kiss back.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are having dinner.] Joey: So what movie do you want to see—And not another one I have to read. Okay? I get enough of that from books. Ross: Books? Joey: All right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but it’s like enough! Ross: Well, I tell you what. Why don’t we uh, why don’t we just stay here? Let’s not see a movie, we’ll just hang. Joey: And just wait for Rachel to come back from her date? Ross: Hey, if that’s what you want to do I’m not gonna say no. Joey: Dude! What is going on?! Ross: I just…I have to find out how it went. Joey: Why? Ross: This guy could be my baby’s stepfather! Joey: They go on one date and you’re worried about them getting married?! He’s not you! Ross: I just—I-I can’t believe she’s-she’s dating?! Joey: Well Ross, what did you think she was gonna do? Ross: I don’t know! I guess I just can’t believe any of this is happening. Joey: What do you mean? Ross: It’s just I always thought when I had another kid it would be different. Now I-I love Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at Carol and Susan’s, it’s like—It breaks my heart a little. I mean I’ve always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday and, my kid comes running in and leaps up onto the bed. And we all read the paper together. Y’know? Maybe fight over the science section. Joey: That’s a nice picture. Maybe you can still have that! Ross: No! No I can’t. I mean Rachel’s out with some guy. My baby went with her. If anything that picture keeps moving further away. Joey: Hey, can I ask you something? In this, in this picture of you and your wife, is your wife Rachel? Ross: It used to be. Now she doesn’t really have a face. Smokin’ body though. Joey: Good call. Yeah. But, the face Ross, the face isn’t Rachel. Ross: No but ahh! How much easier would it be if it were? Joey: I know, but I don’t think that’s what she wants. Ross: No, it’s not what I want either. I mean I-I can’t force myself to fall in love with her again now. Joey: That’s okay Ross maybe you need a new picture. Okay? It’s not gonna be what you thought, but no matter what there’s gonna be a brand new little baby, your baby. Who cares what the picture looks like? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Hey, I tell you what. Let’s you and me go out and have some fun. Huh? Whatever you want. Come on! Ross: (checks his watch) We can still catch that Ukrainian film. Joey: No, I said fun! [Scene: Outside Chandler’s Office, Chandler is just about to go into his office when Bob calls for him from behind.] Bob: Hey Toby! Chandler: Hey Bobby. Bob: It’s Bob actually. Hey, you work up here, can you tell me where this Chandler Bing’s office is? Chandler: Uhh yeah. Yeah, it’s (Points down the hall) right, right down there. (When he has Bob looking down the hall, he turns around and knocks his nameplate off of his door.) Right there, yeah. Can I ask you why? Bob: I want to talk to that bastard, see what his problem is. Chandler: Okay Bob listen uhh, I’m the reason you didn’t get the job up here. Bob: Toby don’t. Chandler: Bob! Bob: Toby! I’m not gonna let you cover for him. Anything you say right now will just get me more upset with Chandler! Chandler: Well that puts me in a difficult position. [Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is waiting for Tim who enters.] Monica: Hey. Tim: I got your page, is everything okay? Monica: Uh well that depends, how are things with Phoebe? Tim: Oh it’s great! It’s great! Thank you so much for introducing us! Monica: Oh my pleasure. Okay, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe! Phoebe: Monica! Monica: (simultaneously) You’re fired! Phoebe: (simultaneously) I’m breaking up with you! Tim: What? Phoebe: I’m, I’m breaking up with you. Monica: You’re fired. Tim: Why? Phoebe: I’m sorry, I’m just—I’m…I’m just not ready for a relationship right now. Monica: Yeah and-and I’m sorry too. But, well I just—I like things done a certain way and the chemistry’s just not right. Phoebe: Oh that’s good, the chemistry thing for us too. Tim: Wow! Umm, okay. Umm… (To Phoebe) I-I-I realize I came on a little strong but, it’s only because I think you’re so amazing. (To Monica) And uh, I-I just wanna, I just wanna tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here because I—you’re the most talented chef I’ve ever worked for. Anyway… (Starts to leave and Phoebe and Monica trade looks.) Monica: Tim wait! Tim: Yeah? Monica: Umm, I think I spoke too quickly. There-there’s a learning curve with this job and maybe we can try it again. Tim: Really? Monica: Yeah. Tim: Thank you so much! ‘Cause I-I know I can do better! Monica: Okay. (They both look at Phoebe.) Phoebe: And Tim I just wanna say, good luck here. (Shakes his hand and leaves, which disgusts Monica.) [Scene: A Street, Ross is walking past a newsstand and sees Rachel.] Ross: Hello. Rachel: Hi! Ross: Well, how was the date? Rachel: Well I’m alone and I just bought fifteen dollars worth of candy bars, what do you think? Ross: Uh-huh. What happened? Rachel: I made the mistake of telling him that I was pregnant. Ross: Ah, he didn’t uh, take it so well? Rachel: Well better than you, but y’know still not what you want. Ross: Oh? Rachel: He got all weird and sputtery and then he said uh, "Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch." Ross: He sounds swell. Rachel: Doesn’t he? Ross: Hey, wanna…wanna a little cheering up? Rachel: Yes. Ross: Sit down. Rachel: Okay. (They sit on some front steps.) Ross: Guess whose middle name is Muriel. Rachel: (thinks then gasps) Chandler M. Bing? Ross: Yeah-ha! Rachel: Oh my God. (Laughs) Ross: I’m sorry about your date. Rachel: Oh it’s all right. I’m guess I’m just done with the whole dating thing. It’s one more thing in my life that’s suddenly completely different. This is hard. Ross: Yeah I know. (Pause) On the other hand in um, in about seven months you’re gonna have something that you’re gonna love more than any guy you’ve ever gone out with. Just wait. Wait until uh, wait until the first time your baby grabs your finger. You have no idea. Rachel: Thanks sweetie. Ross: You wanna, you wanna grab some coffee? Rachel: Oh no, I think I’m gonna go home and eat ten candy bars. Ross: Hey, I thought I cheered you up. Rachel: Oh you did, there are twenty in here. Ross: Right. Good night. Rachel: Good night. (He kisses her on the cheek and heads to Central Perk.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering and Mona from the wedding recognizes him.] Mona: Ross? Ross: Yeah? Mona: Hey it’s Mona! From the wedding. Ross: Oh hi! Mona: Hi! Ross: Wow! Uh…how are you? Mona: I’m good except umm, you still owe me a dance. Ross: Oh that’s right. Well uh, would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film? Mona: (laughs then stops) Oh you’re serious. Sure! Ross: Great! Well umm… (Ross continues to talk to her as the camera pans to show Rachel standing in the doorway.) Mona: I think I might need one more cup of coffee. Ross: Sure! Uh, let me get it for ya. Mona: Okay. (Rachel watches that and slowly backs out to head for home.) Dedicated to the Memory of Richard L. Cox, Sr. Closing Credits [Scene: Chandler’s Office, Bob is ransacking Chandler’s office.] Chandler: (entering) Bob. Bob! Bob!!! (He turns around) What the hell are you doing?! Bob: I just found out this is Chandler’s office! Come on Toby, give me a hand! (He thinks about it and decides to join in by turning over a chair and continue ransacking the place.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x05 - The One With Rachel\u2019s Date"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Mark Kunerth Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Chandler and Monica enter. Oh, and Joey is wearing a FDNY T-shirt to make this the first nod to the tragedy that Friends have made.] Monica: Hey you guys? Ross: What? Monica: I know it’s last minute, but we decided to have a Halloween party. Phoebe: Oh good! (And there’s general excitement.) Monica: And everybody has to wear costumes. (And there’s general disconcertment.) Come on! It’ll be fun! Ross: Well, I’ll-I’ll be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so… Rachel: Please tell me you’re not gonna dress up like a dinosaur. Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row. Joey: Look, I’ll come to the party but I’m not dressing up. Monica: You have to! Joey: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid! Dressing up, pretending to be someone you’re not… Chandler: You’re an actor! Monica: So Ross, are you gonna bring Mona? Ross: Yeah. Yeah, I think I will. Joey: That hot girl from their wedding? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huh—Ooh-ooh, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw mssacre—No-no-no! Slutty Leatherface. Phoebe: Now wasn’t Joey hitting on her at the wedding too? Ross: That’s right! He was hitting on her, and I got her. I guess the better man won. (To Joey) Please don’t take her from me. Opening Credits [Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and passes Ursula.] Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, it’s me! Phoebe! Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.) Phoebe: Wait a second! So, what’s new with you? Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, I’m getting married next week. Phoebe: What?! Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, it’s gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His. Phoebe: Huh. Okay. Well, I’m really happy for you. (Starts to walk away.) Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess that’d be okay. Phoebe: Really? Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day. Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Umm, y’know, my friends are having a Halloween party tonight at my old apartment so, you could come. Maybe I could meet the guy you’re marrying. Ursula: Huh. Well, I’m supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. I’m supposed to be working right now, so who cares. Phoebe: By the way, it’s a costume party. Ursula: Oh! Okay, so that’s why you’re… (Motions to what she’s wearing.) Phoebe: (looks down) No. But thanks. (Walks away.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, The Halloween party has started. Monica is setting out some food as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi! Monica: Wait! You’re supposed to wear a costume! Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she won’t be able to fit into it. Monica: Oh. Rachel: Ahh! Monica: I’m Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when you’re too big for it. Rachel: Okay. (There’s a knock on the door.) Kids: Trick or treat! Rachel: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I really want to be with the kids right now. Y’know, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the strongest maternal instincts. Kids: Trick or treat!! Rachel: (to them) Just a minute!!! (She takes the candy and opens the door to two parents, a witch, a clown, and a cowgirl.) Look at you guys! Wow! You are a very scary witch. (Gives her candy.) Witch: Thank you. Rachel: And you are a very funny clown. (Gives him candy.) Clown: Thank you. Rachel: (to the cowgirl) And you are so in style right now. Y’know, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going on. I don’t suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but… Cowgirl: (interrupting) Can I just have the candy? Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Throws some in her bag and she walks away as Phoebe, dressed as Supergirl walks up and eyes Monica who eyes her back.) Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again. Monica: So we do Supergirl. Phoebe: No, it’s me. Phoebe! Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume… Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him? Monica: What?! I thought he’d love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit! Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white! Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all. Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!! Joey: (entering) Hey! Monica: You didn’t dress up either?! Joey: Yes I did! I’m Chandler. (Looks at Chandler) Dude, what happened? Chandler: How is that me? Joey: Okay. I’m Chandler (makes a growling/gurgling sound at the end and the girls laugh.) Phoebe: (To Chandler) That is so you! Chandler: When have I ever done that?! Joey: When have I ever done that?! (And does the sound again.) (There’s a knock on the door.) Girl: Trick or treat! Rachel: Oh! (Opens the door to reveal a ballerina) Well you’re just the prettiest ballerina I’ve ever seen. Ballerina: Thank you. (Pirouettes.) Rachel: Oh wow! That deserves another piece of candy. Ballerina: Thank you. (Does another ballerina move.) Rachel: Well, I have to say that earns tutu pieces of candy. Ballerina: I love you! (Hugs Rachel.) Rachel: Ohh… Oh, honey here. Take it all. (Pours the entire large bowl into her bag and closes the door.) Monica! We need more candy? Monica: What?! There’s only been like four kids. Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything. Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant. Ross: (entering) Hey! (He’s wearing a costume as well.) Rachel: Hey. Monica: What are you supposed to be? Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? (They all look at him.) Well, I’m a potato or a…spud. And these are my antennae. (Points to the colander with an old TV antenna glued on top that he’s wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes… (They’re still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik! Chandler: Wow! I don’t have the worst costume anymore! Joey: (sees Ross) Hey all right, Ross came as doody. Ross: No, I-I’m not doody. Monica: No, space doody! (Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler. Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's fiancée Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.) Eric: Aren’t you gonna give me a kiss? Phoebe: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me who the hell you are. Eric: Ursula? Phoebe: Ursula’s fiancée? Eric: Oh my God, you’re the sister! Phoebe: Yeah. Eric: Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-law’s ass. Phoebe: Yeah. Eric: I’m an idiot. Uh, is your mother here? Maybe I can give her a little slap on the butt. Phoebe: My mother klled herself. Eric: She, now I knew that and…now I’m sweating. Look at me, I’m really sweating—Now I’m saying, "Look at me," I’m getting even sweatier. I think I probably should go. Phoebe: No-no! That’s okay, we’ll just start over. Okay? Hi! I’m Phoebe. Eric: Eric. (They shake hands and he’s squinting. And, no, it’s not me.) Phoebe: Why are you looking at me like that? Eric: ‘Cause the sweat’s getting in my eyes and its burning. Phoebe: Okay. (Hands him a napkin.) So, what are you? Eric: I don’t think they have a name for it. It’s just I get nervous; I start sweating like crazy. Phoebe: (laughs) No I-I meant your costume. Eric: Oh umm, I’m the solar system. (He’s wearing a black sweater with the planets glued on around the sun.) Yeah, my students helped me make it—I teach the second grade. Phoebe: I love the second grade! Eric: Really? Phoebe: Yeah! It’s so much better than first grade when you don’t know what’s going on and definitely better than third grade. Y’know with all the politics and mind games. Eric: So what do you do? Phoebe: Umm, I’m a masseuse…by day. (Stands with her hands on her hips like a Supergirl pose.) Eric: Y’know you don’t have to stand here with me, believe me… Phoebe: No I’m having fun. I’m really—And I’m really-really excited for you and Ursula. Eric: Oh I feel very lucky, she’s great. I think she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Phoebe: Thank you. [Time lapse, Monica is going over to talk to Joey.] Monica: Hey Joey? Joey: Yeah. Monica: You read comic books right? Joey: Exclusively. Monica: Who do you think would win in a fight, Catwoman or Supergirl? Joey: Catwoman, hands down. Monica: Yeah… Joey: But between you and Phoebe, I’d have to give the edge to Phoebe. Monica: What?! Really?! Joey: Are you kiddin’? Phoebe lived on the street. Okay? Plus, she’s got this crazy temper. She—She’s not standing right behind me is she? Monica: No you’re fine. (Joey checks anyway.) All right well, do you think I could take Rachel? Joey: I’m not sure. Monica: What?! Come on I am tough! Punch me right here! (Her stomach) As hard as you can! Joey: Will you relax?! What are you taking this so seriously for? It doesn’t matter. Monica: Oh really? Okay? Well what would you say if I told you that, y’know, Ross or Chandler could bat you up? Joey: I would say, "Woman, please!" Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursula’s fiancée is really sweet! He’s a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Y’know normally y’know, I don’t like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up! Monica: Oh my God, Phoebe! Phoebe: What? Monica: You’re getting a crush on your sister’s fiancée. Phoebe: No I’m not! You are! Joey: (To Monica) Here comes the temper. (There’s a knock on the door and Rachel opens it to a little girl.) Girl: Trick or treat! Rachel: Hi! Y’know what honey, we’re actually out of candy right now. But someone just went out to get some and I have been giving out money but I’m out of that too. Hey, can I write you a check? Girl: Okay! Rachel: Okay, what’s your name? Girl: Lelani Mayolanofavich. Rachel: Okay, I’m just gonna write this out to cash. Mona: (entering) Hi! Rachel: Hey Mona! Chandler: Oh! Hi! Mona: Hi! Chandler: Joey’s gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you’d come by as a slutty nurse. Mona: Umm, actually I’m just a nurse. Chandler: You’d think that would embarrass me, but you see I’m maxed out. Ross: Hey! Mona: Hi! Ross: You made it! Mona: Wait-wait! You’re umm, you’re a potato… Ross: Well, I’m a spud… Mona: And the antennae…Oh my God you’re Spudnik! Ross: Yes! Chandler: (To Ross) Marry her. [Cut to Joey and Monica.] Joey: Okay, here’s a good one for ya. Who do think would win in a fight between Ross and Chandler. Monica: I can’t answer that! Chandler’s my husband. Joey: So Ross? Monica: Yeah. [Cut to Phoebe and Eric.] Eric: Hey beautiful. Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet? Eric: Two weeks ago. Phoebe: Two weeks? That’s it? Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and it’s not like me to do something so impulsive, but she’s just so perfect, and we have so much in common. Phoebe: Oh really? Eric: We’re both teachers. Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.) Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps. Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I don’t know.") Eric: In fact when we were building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart and we never met. Ursula: Yeah. It wasn’t a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk? Eric: Sure. (They walk away.) [Cut to Mona and Ross walking past Chandler.] Chandler: Howdy doody. Ross: That’s funny. Yeah. Y’know you’re the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear. Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. You’re looking a little flushed. Joey: (To Monica) Hey-hey-hey, I think we might find out the answer to our question. Chandler: What question? Joey: Monica and I were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross? Chandler: There’s no question. Joey: So you think Ross too? (Monica turns around slowly.) Chandler: (To Monica) You picked Ross?! Monica: Ross is really strong! Okay, he’s the strongest out of all three of you! (Joey looks at her.) Except for Joey. Chandler: I cannot believe you didn’t pick me. Ross: Uh, in her defense, she’s right. I am stronger. I would destroy you. Chandler: Oh really?! You think you’re stronger? Why don’t you prove it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.) Ross: Oh I’ll prove it! I’ll prove it like a theorem!! (They start to fight with Ross pulling on Chandler’s ears and Chandler hitting Ross over the head with his carrot.) Monica: Wait-wait!! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop! (Breaks it up.) Now listen, no one’s gonna fight in this apartment. Joey: Hey Monica! (Grabs her and pulls her into the living room.) People came to see a fight, let’s give ‘em what they came for! Mona: Hey, you guys could arm wrestle. Joey: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse. Chandler: (To Ross) You’re going down. Ross: Oh yeah? You’re going further down! Downtown! Joey: Seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the party continues with Rachel leaning on the counter as gn walks in carrying candy.] Rachel: Oh gn! You brought candy! Thank you so much for picking this up! You are so sweet. gn: Really? Rachel: Honey, someday you are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the world. (There’s a knock on the door.) Kid: Trick or treat! Rachel: Gotta go! (Opens the door to a boy in a cape.) Hi! Wow! There you go! (Hands him some candy.) Boy in the Cape: My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money. Rachel: Oh yeah, we were but umm, now we’ve got candy. Boy in the Cape: I’d rather have the money. Rachel: Well, that-that’s not your choice. Happy Halloween! Boy in the Cape: This isn’t fair. Rachel: Well is it fair that all you did was put on a cape and I gotta give you free stuff? Boy in the Cape: Shut up! Rachel: You shut up! (The gng gets interested now.) Boy in the Cape: You can’t tell me to shut up! Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh-oh, here it comes again. Shut up! Joey: Rach? Rachel: (To Joey) Yeah I know—I’m good—I got it! (Joey slowly backs away.) (To the boy) Now wait a minute, I’ve got one more thing I have to say to you…oh right! Shut up! Boy in the Cape: You’re a mean old woman. (Runs away.) Rachel: No! Wait no! Shut up—I mean don’t cry! Let me get my checkbook! (Grabs her checkbook and runs after him.) [Cut to Mona and Joey clearing the dining room table for the grudge match between Chandler and Ross.] Monica: (To Chandler) Look honey, you don’t have to do this, okay? It’s the strength you have inside that means the most to me. You’re loyal, you’re honest, and you have integrity! That’s the kind of strength that I want in the man that I love! Chandler: That means nothing to me. (To Ross) Come on! [Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandler’s, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.] Phoebe: Hi liar! Ursula: Hey! Phoebe: Y’know the only reason he’s marrying you is because he thinks all the things you were saying about yourself were true. Ursula: Well they could be true. Phoebe: But they’re not! Ursula: Yeah, it’s a fine line huh? Phoebe: Why are you lying to him? Ursula: I don’t know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun. Eric: (entering) Honey? Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebe’s face) It’s a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now! Eric: She’s helped so many people to quit smoking. Ursula: Y’know, we’d really better get going. Eric: Oh right, you’ve got a church group meeting tonight. Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.) Eric: (To Phoebe) Well, it was nice meeting you. Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!! Joey: (entering) Pheebs come on! Bunny vs. Doody! We’re waiting! (They go inside.) (To Chandler and Ross.) Okay. Okay guys, one match, winner take all. (They grasp each other’s hand in preparation for battle.) Oh wait-wait! What does the winner get? Ross: Pride. Chandler: And dignity. Joey: (laughing) Okay, if you say so. All right, ready? Set! Go! (They start wrestling, only they are unable to move either one’s arm despite a huge strain on their faces and a cheering crowd.) [Time Lapse: the crowd has left and only Mona, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are still watching to see who will be able to move the other’s arm first. An event that has yet to happen.] Mona: (To Joey) Wow! They’re both really strong. Joey: Or equally weak. Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh God! Phoebe: Hmm? Monica: Chandler’s making his sex face. (Basically Chandler’s face looks like he’s not all there and is staring off into the distance…) Ross: (To Chandler) So, you gettin’ tired? Chandler: Nope! I can do this all day. Ross: Yeah? Me too. (Pause) Gettin’ a little tired though. Chandler: God, I’m exhausted. Ross: Look this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay? Mona, Mona’s standing right over there. (Looks behind him.) Oh God, she’s talking to Joey! You gotta let me win! Chandler: No way! If anything you’ve gotta let me win! My wife thinks I’m a wimp! Ross: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep getting divorces and knockin’ people up! And I’m dressed as doody. Chandler: You’re Spudnik. Ross: Come on, who are we kidding? I’m doody. Please? She’s watchin’. Chandler: Fine. (He lets Ross win.) Oh no! Ross: (celebrating) Oh yeah! Mona: (clapping) Yay! My hero! Joey: (to her) You’re a weird lady. Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse. Phoebe: Oh. Eric: (finds it) What a relief. It has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain. Phoebe: Sure it does. Yeah, yeah. Eric: Well, I guess I’ll see you at the wedding. (Exits and Phoebe follows him into the hall.) Phoebe: Umm listen, I don’t think…I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the wedding. So I just want to wish you all the luck in the world. Eric: I think we’ll be okay. Besides it’s so perfect and (whispering) she’s been saving herself for me. Phoebe: Okay I can’t let you do this! She’s lying to you. Eric: What? Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursula’s purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. Yeah—Not a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, here’s the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, here’s her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was? Eric: She told me she was 25. Phoebe: Oh, I almost don’t want to show this. (Hands it to him.) Just remember I’m a minute younger. Eric: I am so stupid. Of course she was lying! She’s not a teacher. There’s not such a thing as the top secret elementary school for the children of spies. Phoebe: No. You’re not, you’re not stupid. Eric: I’m not smart. (Phoebe has no comeback.) I just wanted so much to…be impulsive once. To be romantic. Phoebe: That’s good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. Just…you did it with the wrong person. (He looks at her.) What? Eric: It’s just so weird, two people look so much alike, and so different. Ursula: (yelling from downstairs) Eric!! Let’s go!! Eric: I’d better go, deal… Phoebe: Yeah, you should. (They shake hands.) Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!! (Phoebe hands Eric Ursula’s purse and he walks away.) [Time Lapse: Rachel is returning from chasing down the boy in the cape.] Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Well, I had to give the kid fifty bucks to stop crying. Joey: That’s not so bad. Rachel: No, I also had to go to a couple houses with him as his girlfriend. Oh, I am just awful with children! Joey: Come on! You’re good with kids. They’re just crazy on Halloween. Y’know, they’re all greedy and hopped up on sugar! Rachel: Really? You think that’s all it is? Joey: Absolutely! Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas…and their birthdays. Kinda get a little crazy during the summer too. And anytime they’re hungry or sleepy. Y’know, kids are tough. Good luck with that. (Walks away.) Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Monica are standing in the kitchen.] Monica: Look, I wanted to tell I’m-I’m sorry you lost. Chandler: Listen, I’ve got a secret for ya. I let him win. Monica: (laughs) Is that a secret or a lie. Chandler: No, I let him win—Ross! Ross: Yeah? Chandler: Would you tell her I let you win please? Ross: Oh. Yeah. (Sarcastically) Uh Chandler let me win. No, Chandler’s really strong. Oh my arm is so sore. Oh nurse! (Waddles over to Mona.) Chandler: I am strong! I’ll show you! (He sits down at the table.) Monica: Chandler please! Chandler: Oh what’s the matter? Are you scared? Monica: Let’s go big bunny! (They assume the starting position.) Chandler: Okay. 1…2…3—Go! (Once again he’s at a stalemate, but this time he’s in pain.) (Pause) I’m gonna kll myself! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x06 - The One With The Halloween Party"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: R. Lee Fleming, Jr. Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Dutch Phrases by: Kenny Walgraef [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is sitting in the living room as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey. Chandler: Hey. (Monica notices something.) Monica: Oh my God! You cleaned! (Gasps) Look at these floors! You did the windows! Oh, I have been begging you for months and you did! You cleaned! And nagging works! Chandler: Y’know uh, I didn’t actually do this. Monica: Oh no, was I cleaning in my sleep again? Chandler: No, it wasn’t you. Monica: Well then who? Chandler: I got a maid. Yay! Monica: (shocked) I hope by maid you mean mistress, because if some other woman was here cleaning then… Chandler: Uh honey, I know you don’t like to relinquish control… Monica: Oh, relinquish is just a fancy word for lose! Chandler: Look, she’s really nice. Okay? And she mentioned that she adored the way that you arranged the sponges. Monica: Did she really say that? Chandler: Yes, I distinctly remember ‘cause I thought it was a joke. Now just give her a chance, okay? Monica: Fine, I can do it. (Gets anxious.) Whew. Chandler: What’s the matter? Monica: Well, usually when I’m this anxious, I clean! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as someone’s cell phone starts to ring with one of those fancy ring tones.] Phoebe: (looking around) Who’s cell phone is that? It’s just so annoying; everywhere you go. Ross: I think it’s coming from your bag. Phoebe: (checks) I never get calls!! (Answers the phone) Hello? Eric: Hi, it’s Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursula’s fiancée. Phoebe: Oh my God Eric hi! Wait, how’d you get this number? Eric: Oh, I have a friend who’s a cop and he got it for me. Phoebe: Wow! What an incredible violation—and wonderful surprise. Eric: Uh listen, I just—I thought you should know I broke up with Ursula. Phoebe: Oh you did? (To Rachel) He did it! He did it! Rachel: Wow! What did he do? Phoebe: Shhh! I’m talking. Eric: Anyway, I was wondering if, you were the sort of person who…eats lunch. Phoebe: Are you asking me out? ‘Cause it would be kinda weird since you just broke up with my sister. Eric: Yeah uh…okay. I’m-I’m sorry. Bye. Phoebe: No! Wait! I was just saying that so you’d think I was a good person. Fight for me. Eric: Uhh, I won’t take no for an answer. Phoebe: Not great, but we can work on it at lunch. Okay, I can be at your apartment in two hours. Eric: Great! But wh-wh—How do you know where I live? Phoebe: I’ve got friends too. Okay, bye. Eric: Bye. (She hangs up.) Phoebe: Oh my God! I’m going out with Eric! Ooh, this day is really gonna be so much better than I thought it was gonna be. Oh Ross, I can’t make lunch. (Exits.) Ross: So apparently I’m available for lunch. Rachel: I can’t. I’m busy. I’m apartment hunting. Ross: You’re moving? Rachel: Yeah, I can’t live with Joey once the baby comes. I don’t want my child’s first words to be, (in a baby’s voice) "How you doin’?" Ross: So does-does Joey know you’re moving? Rachel: Well, I haven’t discussed it with him yet, but I know he’s gonna be relieved. Last week, he brought this girl over and I started talking to her about morning sickness and then I showed her pictures from my pregnancy book. Ross: That’s not really prn. Rachel: Not so much. Ross: Hey, y’know what and if you’re looking for a place? I just heard in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died. Rachel: Oh my God! Was she old? Does she have a view? Ross: Well I don’t know, but how-how great would that be huh? You living in my building. I could help take care of the baby. I can come over whenever I want. (Rachel looks at him.) With your permission. Rachel: Yeah that would really be great. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Well can we see it?! Oh maybe we shouldn’t. I mean if she just died this morning out of respect. Ross: Yeah. No. No you’re right. (Pause as they both take another sip of coffee.) Rachel: Shall we? Ross: Yeah. (They both exit.) [Scene: Ross’s Building, they are approaching the apartment of the woman who died. Ross knocks on the door and a woman answers it.] Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Yes? Ross: Hi. I’m Ross Geller. I live in the building. Rachel: And I’m Rachel, an admirer of the building. Ross: I-I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing away and I’m so sorry for your loss. Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: She didn’t pass. Ross: What? Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: My mother’s still alive. Ross: Oh, thank God! Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It looked like we were gonna lose her this morning, but she’s a tough old bird. Rachel: Ahh. Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Are you close with her? Ross: Of course! Uh yeah, she and I would talk all the time in-in (Rachel pokes her head in and starts to look around) the laundry room. (Pushes Rachel out of the way.) Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: You speak Dutch? (In Dutch) Zeer vereerd een vriend van mijn moeder te ontmoeten. (Translation: I’m very honored to meet a friend of my mother.) Ross: Y’know I would it’s just painful. Rachel: So she’s really not dad. Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: No, she’s hanging in there. Rachel: Hmm. Do you think—Could you tell me if she’s hanging in, in a one bedroom or a two? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is observing the new maid, Brenda, clean.] Brenda: Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible! Where’d you get it? Monica: Oh well umm, I make it myself! It’s two parts ammonia and one part lemon juice. And now the secret ingredient is…y’know what? We just met. Brenda: Okay. Uhh, I’m gonna go get the clothes from the laundry room now. And, when I come back I’ll clean behind the refrigerator. Monica: (To Chandler) I love her. Brenda: I’ll be back in a minute. Monica: Okay. (As Brenda exits Monica notices something.) Chandler: See? I told you. Monica: She stole my jeans! Chandler: (pause) What? Monica: I have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them! Chandler: So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you? Monica: Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime! Chandler: She must’ve been planning this for years! Monica: I will prove it to you! Okay? About a week ago I was wearing those jeans and I dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch. Now when she comes back I will find it and show you that stain! Chandler: Honey, isn’t it possible that the company that sold the jeans made more than just the one pair? Monica: I guess. Chandler: So, shouldn’t we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we go…snooping around her crotch? Monica: Fine. I’m just glad I didn’t give her my secret ingredient. Chandler: Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient? Monica: Yeah! (Laughs.) [Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he’s opening the door to reveal Phoebe.] Phoebe: Hi! Eric: Come in, I’m so glad you’re here. Phoebe: Yeah, me too. Not in the shaky angry way you are though. Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back. Phoebe: Oh. Eric: Just seeing her brought it all back. All the lies, the way she used me. I just…I got so angry just looking at her…(Looks at Phoebe)…face. Phoebe: Yeah. (Covers her face with her hand.) Yeah. Eric: I’m sorry. I just…when I look at you I see her. When I see her I get a little bit angry. Phoebe: Maybe this is too weird. Eric: No wait! There’s only a problem when I look at you. (Sits down on the couch.) Oh I got it! I got it. (Puts his hands to his eyes.) Phoebe: No don’t tear out your eyes!! Eric: I was just, I was just gonna take out my lenses. Phoebe: Oh, yeah try that. (He finishes and looks at her.) So, is that better? Eric: Not really. You…you’re blurry, but you still look like Ursula. You’re Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe…If I-if I just don’t look at you for a while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It…it works. I’m not, I’m not angry at all anymore! This is a great date! Phoebe: Look Eric, turn around. (He does so.) Look, I like you, but it shouldn’t be this hard. Y’know? This is our first date y’know? First dates are supposed to be about excitement and electricity and ‘Ooh, he just touched my hand, did he mean to touch my hand?’ and y’know first kisses and…(He kisses her)…second kisses. (Motions for him to kiss her again which he does and they start to make out.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading some book and gn serves him a cup of coffee.] Ross: Thanks for the coffee, or bedankt voor de koffie, gn. (He translates that phrase into Dutch.) gn: Jij spreekt Nederlands? Dat is te gek. Heb je familie daar? (Translation: You speak Dutch That's cool. Do you have relatives there?) Ross: Yeah, we’re done. gn: Ezel. (Translation: Donkey) Ross: Ezel? Ezel? Ezel? (Looks it up in his book.) Joey: (entering) Hey Ross! Listen, do you want to go see that new Imax movie on tide pools? Ross: Really?! Joey: (laughs) No. But I got Knicks tickets for you, me, and Chandler. Ross: Sweet! Joey: All right, well finish your coffee; let’s go. Ross: Okay I-I just have to stop by my place first. Joey: To tape the game? You do this every time Ross, you’re not gonna be on TV! Ross: No-no, I-I have to see if this apartment became available. Joey: Oh, you’re switching apartments? Ross: It’s not for me, it’s for Rachel. Joey: But Rachel has an apartment. Ross: Yeah, but when the baby comes she’s gonna want to move. Joey: She is? Ross: Yeah, you didn’t expect her to live there with a baby did you? Joey: I guess I didn’t really think about it. Ross: (finds the word in the book) Ezel! (Reads the translation.) Hey gn! You’re an ezel! gn: Jij hebt seks met ezels. (Translation: You have sex with donkeys.) Ross: Damnit! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is sweeping and Monica is sitting at the kitchen table.] Monica: Nice jeans! Brenda: Oh thanks! I like your top. Monica: Oh. (Holds on to it.) (To herself) You’re not gettin’ it. (Brenda bends down to use the dustpan and Monica leans over to look for the stain, but leans so far over she falls out of the chair.) Brenda: What happened?! Monica: Oh, I fell asleep. Brenda: I was thinking about taking my lunch break. Monica: Oh, will you do the top of the cabinets? That’ll really work up your appetite for lunch. Brenda: All right. (Brenda pulls a chair to the counter and uses it to get up on the counter in order to clean the top of the cabinets. Monica sneaks over, bends over, and tries to see the stain. That doesn’t work so she sticks her head between Brenda’s legs. Suddenly Brenda changes her stance and traps Monica’s head between her legs.) Monica: Hello. Brenda: What’s going on?! Monica: I’m sorry. I’ve never had a maid before, is this not okay? Commercial Break [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating pizza as Joey returns from the Knicks game.] Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey! Rachel: How was the game? Joey: Oh, okay. I…I ate way too much. Rachel: Oh. Joey: Ooh. (Notices the pizza, grabs a slice, and takes a bite.) So umm, I was talkin’ to Ross and he said you were looking for a new place. Rachel: Oh yeah! Hopefully across the street if certain Dutch people would just let go. Joey: I was kinda hoping you’d stay. Rachel: Oh but Joey, I have to go. There’s no room for a baby here. Joey: No room? It’s a baby. It’s like this big. (Holds his hands about a foot apart.) Y’know, I mean you-you could you could put it over here. (A desk.) Or-or-or we could put it right here. (The chair.) Aw, it’s cute, right? Or-or we could put it over here. (By the bathroom door.) You wouldn’t even notice it. Where’s the baby? (Mumbles that it’s over in the corner.) Rachel: Honey, it’s not just a matter of where you put it. I mean a baby changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when there’s a screaming baby around. Joey: I could use a challenge! It’s getting pretty easy. Rachel: Honey, it’s so sweet that you want me to stay, but I-I can’t do that to you. I mean it would disrupt your entire life. Joey: I love living with you so much. I just wish things didn’t have to change. Rachel: I know. Joey: Y’know I blame Ross for this. Rachel: I do too a little bit. Joey: I’m gonna miss you, you’re the hottest roommate I ever had. [Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he and Phoebe are still making out.] Phoebe: Ooh, oh no! I have to go! I have a massage appointment. Eric: Oh no, stay here we’ll keep doing this. I’ll pay you. Phoebe: No, I got in trouble for that before. I’ll see you later. Eric: Absolutely. (They kiss and Phoebe heads for the door.) I love the way you kiss. Phoebe: Really? That’s the thing I’m worse at! You’ll see. (Exits.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is shaking out the rugs on the balcony as Monica pouts in the living room.] Chandler: (entering) Hi! Monica: Hey! Umm, I think Brenda needs a raise. Chandler: How come? Monica: Because I put my head between her legs. Chandler: To see her pants? Monica: They’re my pants! Chandler: Are you sure? Did you see the stain? Monica: No! I was just getting into position and then everything went dark. Chandler: God! She is not stealing from us! Okay, will you let this go? Monica: Fine. (Brenda comes in to use the bathroom and adjusts her pink bra strap on the way.) She’s wearing my bra! Chandler: Oh dear God! Monica: My pink flowered bra! I recognize the strap! Chandler: And yet you don’t recognize that you’re crazy. Monica: Here’s the plan! Okay? I’m going to leave you get a look at Brenda’s bra! Chandler: Here’s another plan…No! Monica: I would do it but she thinks I’m attracted to her! Chandler: Why? Monica: Did you not hear where my head was? Come on! Come on we’re a team! We’re in this together! Chandler: I fear a jury will see it the same way! Monica: Do this for me! Come on, I catch you looking at woman’s breasts all the time! Chandler: You see that? Monica: Do you see this? (Mimics him drooling over a woman’s breasts.) Chandler: All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point. But if it’s not your bra will you just let the woman clean the apartment?! Monica: Yes! Absolutely. Okay? Look, you’ll know it’s mine because on the right cup, the lacey part, there’s a very noticeable rip. Chandler: You need new clothes. [Scene: Mrs. Verhoeven’s Apartment, Ross is back to inquire about the elder Verhoeven’s health or lack there of.] Ross: Hi. How is she? Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It’s not looking good. Ross: (happily) Oh. (Realizes then sadly) Oh. Well I uh, I brought her some bloemen. (Flowers in Dutch.) Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: That’s so sweet. (Takes the flowers.) Would you like to come in and say good-bye? I’m sure it would mean a lot to her. Ross: Oh I don’t know that it would. Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Well, her memory is pretty much gone. Ross: All right then. (Follows her in and checks the place out.) [Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he’s resting on the bed as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Eric: Welcome back! Phoebe: Hey! (Jumps on the bed with him.) Can we pick up where we left off? Eric: I don’t know, I’m still pretty tired out from this afternoon. Phoebe: Why? Eric: Uh, the sex. Phoebe: What sex? Eric: Our sex. Phoebe: We didn’t have sex. Eric: Well if I didn’t have sex with you, I had sex with someone that looked an awful lot like… Phoebe: (simultaneously as Eric) Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Eric: (simultaneously as Phoebe) Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! No! No! No! Phoebe: You-you…you had sex with Ursula?! Eric: Uh, a little bit. She-she-she walked in and I thought she was you and I kissed her and… Phoebe: You didn’t notice she was wearing different clothes?! Eric: Well I was just so excited to see you. Phoebe: Oh. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugh! Y’know what? This is too weird. Eric: No-no it’s not! I don’t want to lose you! It’s-it’s like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was you—Yeah it is too weird. Phoebe: So I guess this is it. Eric: Yeah. (They hug.) Maybe it’s for the best. You smell just like her. Phoebe: Yeah, so do you. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is wiping the coffee table and Chandler is trying to look at her bra and leans over on the coffee table to get a good look.] Brenda: (noticing him) What are you doing? Chandler: I’m leaning. This is where I lean. Brenda: Okay. (Goes over and fluffs up the pillows on the couch. Chandler: Brenda a bee! Brenda: What? Chandler: Yes! It’s flown into your blouse and you’d better undo your buttons lest it sting you! Brenda: I think I know what’s going on here. Chandler: You do? Brenda: Look, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian, but it’s wrong. You’re married. Chandler: I totally understand. (They both laugh.) Can I just see your bra? [Scene: The Hallway, Monica is sitting on the step as Rachel returns.] Rachel: Hi! Monica: (looking at Rachel’s jeans) Where did you get those jeans?! Rachel: You gave them to me! Monica: No I didn’t! Rachel: All right, I took them. But I figured it would be okay because you got a big ink stain on the crotch. Monica: Oh no! Did you take my bra too?! Rachel: What bra? Monica: The pink one with the flowers?! Rachel: You mean the one that you’re wearing? (Adjusts Monica’s pink bra strap as Monica looks down her shirt.) Brenda: (entering) I quit! (Storms off.) Monica: Sounds about right. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel enters and notices that Joey has set up a space for the baby where the couch was, complete with a crib.] Rachel: What is this? Joey: Hey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea. Okay well, we can put screens here, (In front of the crib.) so that the baby has privacy, and-and-and maybe a mobile over the crib. And uh—Oh look! Here’s a baby monitor (Holds it up), which until the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. Huh? Rachel: You’re so sweet. (Notices something in the crib.) Oh my God! And you gave the baby Hugsy! (A stuffed penguin wearing a ski jacket, goggles, and hat.) Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…. That-that-that’s really just to show where the baby would go. Y’know why don’t I hold on to him so that there’s no confusion? (Takes him back, sets him on the chair, and apologizes to him.) Rachel: But Joey the baby is going to be crying, it’s going to be loud. Joey: I’m loud! Rachel: It’s gonna be up all night! Joey: I’m up all night! Rachel: It’s gonna poop! Joey: Hello! Rachel: What about all the women you want to bring home? Joey: Look, if I’m bringing home a woman who can’t stand being around a baby, then maybe I don’t want to be with that woman! Or maybe we’ll just do it in the bathroom of the club! Rachel: Joey, are you sure? Joey: Yeah! All right—Look, I know sometimes it’ll be hard, okay? But, it’ll also be really…really great. Please Rachel! I-I-I really want you to stay. Rachel: I want me to stay too. Joey: Ohh! Rachel: Thank you. (They hug.) Oh Joey and look at this crib! It’s so cute! Joey: I know! I found it on the street. Rachel: Are you serious—Really?! It’s in such good condition. Joey: Yeah. Rachel: Wow! Whoa-whoa what’s under the covers? Joey: I don’t know. Rachel: It’s moving. Joey: Ew. Rachel: It’s still—(Screams)—It’s got a tail! Get it out of here! Get it out of here!! Joey: Ooh! Ah! Okay! (Quickly drags the crib outside.) Dedicated to the Memory of Pearl Harmon Closing Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are toasting her staying put.] Ross: Well, the old lady died. And how do I know? Her dying wish was for one last kiss. But I don’t care, (To Rachel) because you got the apartment. Yes! Rachel: Ewww. Yeah. Umm. I think I’m gonna stay here. Joey: Isn’t that great? Ross: (stutters looking for words) Ezels!! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x07 - The One With The Stain"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Chandler are sitting on the couch and chair as Phoebe is getting coffee.] Rachel: (coming from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs? Phoebe: Huh? Rachel: I’m having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you wanna come? Phoebe: Sure. Yeah, he’s kinda sexy. Rachel: Oh no, no, I’ll be there too. Phoebe: Okay so, we’ll just come up with some kind of signal if it’s going well you can take off. Rachel: No Phoebe! I just need you there for support. I haven’t told him I’m pregnant yet. Phoebe: Oh. Why not? Rachel: ‘Cause I know he’s gonna flip out and I hate it when he’s angry. Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so ‘Papa don’t preach.’ Rachel: What Phoebe? Wait! One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he’d make me eat the entire pack. Phoebe: Wow! Oh well, I will be there! Rachel: Thank you. Phoebe: Gosh. I’m not gonna let that man make you eat your baby. (They both sit down by the rest of the gng and Phoebe recognizes a man by the window.) Oh. Hey! Who is that guy? I think I know him. Monica: (recognizing him and panicking) No you don’t! Rachel: (panicking) No you don’t. Phoebe: Oh my God!!! Monica!! He’s the stripper from your bachelorette party!! Chandler: Her what?!! Phoebe: Your secret bachelorette party… Chandler: You had a bachelorette party?! Phoebe: She untied his G-string with her teeth. (Pause) Somebody stop me! Chandler: I thought we weren’t gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y’know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition. Joey: It’s a grand tradition! Monica: I’m sorry, they surprised me. There was nothing I could do! Rachel: Well you could’ve untied it with your hands. Joey: This is so unfair! The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but no, I wasn’t allowed to. All I got was a stupid steak dinner! Chandler: You went home with the waitress. Joey: Oh yeah, that was a pretty good night. Chandler: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty! Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass! Opening Credits [Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel and Phoebe are having dinner with Dr. Green, and everyone is looking at the menu.] Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken? Phoebe: Oh, I-I don’t eat meat. Dr. Green: It’s chicken. Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t eat that either. Dr. Green: I’ll never understand you lesbians. (To Rachel) So baby, tell me…what is new with you. Rachel: Well actually umm… Waiter: (interrupting) Your ’74 Lafite sir. Dr. Green: ’74?! I ordered the ’75! That’s a magnificent wine! The ’74 is sewage! Why would you bring me sewage?! (The waiter’s dumbfounded) Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you’re a waiter? Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn’t wait on you tonight! (Runs off.) Dr. Green: Oh come on! Don’t be such a baby! (Goes after him) Rachel: (To Phoebe) In case you didn’t notice, that is a scary man. Phoebe: He’s right though, the ’74 is absolute piss. Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can’t tell him Phoebe. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t… Phoebe: Rachel! Rachel: No it’s okay, this is what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna wait a couple years and then the baby will tell him. Phoebe: Why, so he can get mad at the baby? Rachel: Hey, that is the…baby’s problem. (Dr. Green returns.) Oh, everything okay with the waiter? Dr. Green: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is uh, what is new with you. Rachel: Well… Umm, I got TiVo. Dr. Green: What’s TiVo? Phoebe: It’s slang for pregnant. Rachel: Phoebe! Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant? Rachel: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah. Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please don’t tell me it’s her! (Points at Phoebe.) Rachel: No, it’s Ross. It’s Ross. You like Ross. (He just shakes his head.) Oh daddy, I hope you’re okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is a good thing. You’re gonna—This is your first grandchild! You’re gonna be a poppy! Dr. Green: That’s true. Rachel: Yeah. Dr. Green: (laughs) Poppy. (To Phoebe) Oh, I’m gonna be a poppy. (Stops laughing) So when is the wedding? Rachel: Who? Dr. Green: The wedding! There’s going to be a wedding. Young lady, don’t you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!! Rachel: February 2nd! (Dr. Green exhales in relief.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are reading a magazine and Ross is chatting with Mona.] Mona: So it was really cool seeing you lecture today. Ross: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a little. Mona: Oh no-no, I-I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and y’know take it all in. Ross: Yeah, a lot of my students do that. Mona: So, I gotta get going. Ross: Okay, I-I’ll see you tonight. Mona: Yeah. Ross: Okay, bye. (They kiss and she starts to leave.) Mona: Oh hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. It was amazing! (She leaves.) Chandler: My God! You must be good in bed! Joey: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now. How’s it going? Ross: Ah, it’s good. It’s going good. I mean, we get along great. She’s, she’s so… Joey: Hot? Ross: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh! Chandler: She’s okay with Rachel and the baby? Ross: Well I…I haven’t actually told her yet. I don’t want to scare her off, y’know? Chandler: Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you’re going down the same path, but you’re really going down different ones. Joey: I’m gonna take that book and bat you to death with it. Monica: (entering) Oh my God! You are gonna love me so much! I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight you’re gonna have a bachelor party. Chandler: What? Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?! Chandler: Honey! That’s crazy! I don’t want you to get me a stripper… Joey: Will you let the lady talk?! Monica: Come on! Come on, it’ll be fun! It’ll make me feel so much better. Chandler: Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it’s a little creepy. Y’know? I’m not a bachelor anymore. Monica: So don’t think of it as a bachelor party, think of it as a…a two month anniversary present. Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance! (Joey nods his agreement.) Monica: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked! Chandler: All right fine! But I’m only doing this for you! Joey: Yeah! Chandler: And Joey. Monica: Thank you. All right, now who else do you want to invite? Chandler: Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough. Ross: Uh actually, sorry I can’t even make it. I’m seeing Mona again tonight. Chandler: I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party? Joey: (on cell phone) I’m sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby… [Scene: The Restaurant, dinner has ended and Phoebe and Rachel are talking. Dr. Green is not at the table.] Phoebe: I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I’m really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah. Rachel: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I didn’t want him to start yelling at me like I was some ’74 Latour. Phoebe: It’s Lafite. The ’74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely. Rachel: All right here he comes. I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna tell him, I’m gonna be strong. Dr. Green: I just called a friend of mine. Rachel: Yeah? Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice. Rachel: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh daddy!! (Hugs him and Phoebe glares at her.) Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you. Please, sit down. Dr. Green: What is it sweetie? Rachel: There’s not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married. Dr. Green: What?! Rachel: I’m sorry daddy. Dr. Green: I don’t believe this!! Rachel: Oh now daddy, stay calm. Please. Dr. Green: Stay calm?!! How do you expect me to stay calm?! This is unacceptable Rachel! And I wanna know why?!! Is it because that punk Ross won’t marry you?! That’s it! Is that it?! Rachel: Yes. Yes, he says I’m damaged goods. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler’s bachelor party has gn, what there is of it, with only Joey (wearing a gold paper top hat) and Chandler (wearing what appears to be a Burger King paper crown) enjoying a nice product placement of Budweisers on ice.] Joey: So you uh, nervous about getting married? Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: Look, look let’s pretend it’s a real bachelor party. Okay? Y’know? Before your wedding. Come on, it’ll be fun. Chandler: Okay. I can’t believe tomorrow’s the big day. Joey: How does it feel knowing you’re never gonna be with another woman again huh? Knowing you’re gonna have to wake up to the same face everyday until you finally have the sweet release of death. Chandler: You’re right, this is more fun. (There’s a knock on the door.) Joey: That’s her! Okay, come on! (They go over and open the door.) Stripper: Hi! Chandler: Hi. (Joey blows on a noisemaker.) Stripper: So which one of you lucky boys is Chandler? Joey: Uh, that-that’s-that’s me! Chandler: That’s me. Joey: Joey Tribbiani, a big fan. Stripper: So is that a bedroom? (Points to the guestroom.) Chandler: Yeah, yeah right over there. Stripper: All right, whenever you’re ready. (She goes into the bedroom.) Chandler: That was weird. Joey: Why-why would she go in the bedroom? Stripper: I’m waiting. (They both slowly enter the bedroom and quickly walk back out.) Chandler: So she’s a… Joey: Yeah, that’s one naked hooker! [Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross and Mona are sitting on the couch.] Mona: I love your place! Where is this guy from? (A statue from the top of his apothecary table.) Ross: Uh that’s an eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta. Mona: Oh wow! So, you’re more than just dinosaurs. Ross: So much more. (They start making out and she kicks the eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta off of his apothecary table from the days of yore and the magical city of White Plains.) Mona: Oh my God! Oh my God! I’m so sorry! Ross: Aw forget it, it’s from Pier One. (There’s an angry knock on the door.) Sorry. (Goes and opens the door to an irate Dr. Green.) Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! I’m gonna kll you!! Ross: Y’know this is actually not a great time for me. Commercial Break [Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.] Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant! Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?! Ross: Who did?! Dr. Green: You did! Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. (To Mona) But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing. Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That’s what my daughter means to you? Nothing? Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I care—I-I love Rachel. Mona: What?! Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean…I mean I’m not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend. Dr. Green: Oh really? That’s how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her? Ross: (to Dr. Green) Hey! I offered to marry her! Mona: Wh… Ross: (To Mona) But I didn’t want to. Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?! Mona: Tramp?! Ross: I’m sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are discussing what to do about the now naked hooker in the guestroom.] Chandler: I can’t believe there is a naked hooker in there! Joey: Wait! Wait! Maybe she’s a hooker and a stripper, but she got confused about what she’s supposed to do. Chandler: Could be. I mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed it. (Walks towards the bedroom.) Ma’am, are you also a stripper? Hooker: Uh, no. But I could pretend to strip, but that’s gonna cost extra. Okay, here’s the extras, handcuffs, spanking… (Chandler grunts for her not to continue and Joey pulls him back into the kitchen.) Joey: Maybe Monica’s playing a joke on ya. Y’know? Getting her own husband a hooker, that’s pretty funny. Chandler: That is funny, maybe for my birthday she’ll m*rder someone. Joey: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean he was conveniently busy. Hooker: Do you mind if I smoke in here? Chandler: Oh actually, I’d rather you…Yeah, go ahead. We’re gonna have to burn that room down anyway. [Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.] Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me? Ross: I was going to tell you, but… Dr. Green: But what?! You figured you’d get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel! Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! (To Mona) Nor are we still together. (The phone rings and Ross goes to answer it, only he’s trapped behind the apothecary table by Dr. Green.) Can I just… (Dr. Green glares at him.) Why don’t we just let the machine get that? Joey: (on machine) Hey Ross. It’s Joey. There’s a hooker over here and we thought maybe you’d know something about it. Ross: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-I—I need to, I need to lie down. [Scene: Monica’s Restaurant’s Kitchen, she’s cooking as one of her waiters, Stu, comes over to talk to her.] Stu: So, tonight’s the night of the big bachelor party? Monica: Yeah! Hey! Thanks for getting me that girl’s number. Stu: No problem. So who’s the party for? Monica: My husband. Stu: You hired your husband a hooker? Monica: She’s a stripper. Stu: No, she’s a hooker. Monica: Is that, is that what they call strippers sometimes? Stu: When they’re hookers. Monica: Oh my God Stu! I-I can’t believe you did this! Now are you absolutely sure she’s a hooker? Stu: Either that or she’s just the best, most expensive date I ever had. (Monica runs out.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still deciding what to do about the hooker.] Joey: Maybe she meant to get you a hooker. Chandler: Why would she do that? Joey: Maybe she wants you to learn something. Huh? Now is there anything you’re really bad at y’know, sexually? Chandler: This is the worst bachelor party ever! Hooker: What’s taking you boys so long? Joey: In a minute! Chandler: (To Joey) In a minute? What’s gonna happen in a minute?! Joey: All right, all right maybe-maybe you should just ask her to leave. Chandler: Why me?! Joey: Hey! It’s your bachelor party. Chandler: Which is why you should do it. Joey: I don’t want to. You do it! Chandler: You do it! Joey: You do it! Chandler: All right Rock, Paper, Scissors who has to tell the whore to leave! (Joey smirks.) What? Joey: I miss this. Chandler: I don’t think we’ve actually done this before! Joey: No, I-I miss hanging out with you. Chandler: Well we…we still hang out. Joey: Not like we used to. Remember? You and me used to be inseparable. Y’know now it’s like…things are different. Chandler: Well y’know, things are different. I’m…I’m married now. Joey: Oh sure—And hey, don’t get me wrong, I am so happy for you guys. I just…I miss…hanging out…just-just us, y’know? Chandler: Yeah, I miss that too. I tell you what; from now on we’ll make time to hang out with each other. Joey: You got it. Come here. (They hug and are observed by the hooker.) Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys. (Does the close sign.) Monica: (entering quickly) She’s a hooker! She’s a hooker! She’s a… (Stops as she sees her.) Hi! Uh, we spoke on the phone. (Goes and shakes the hooker’s hand.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are at the counter as Ross enters.] Ross: So your dad dropped by. He’s a pleasant man! Rachel: (quietly) Oh no… Phoebe: I’d better go. (She goes and sits down in the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000, the chair that Sit magazine called chair of the year, and they both look at her.) Just over here: I don’t want to miss the fight. Rachel: Ross I’m so sorry. Okay. I-I will promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person, or via e-mail. Ross: I don’t care about your dad! I care about Mona! She was there and now she’s totally freaked out! Rachel: Oh okay, I’ll fix that to. What’s her e-mail address? Ross: Rachel! Rachel: All right, I promise. I’ll fix this. I swear. I’ll-I’ll-I’ll-I’ll talk to her. Ross: Okay! Rachel: Okay. Ross: Thank you! Phoebe: That’s it?! You call that a fight? Come on! "We were on a break!" "No we weren’t!" What happened to you two?! [Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is opening the door to Mona. Rachel is there as well.] Ross: Thank you so much for coming back over. Mona: Oh good, you’re here. Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable. Rachel: I know Mona, just hear me out. First of all, I’m so sorry about my father yelling at you, but I heard you totally held your own. You’re gonna have to tell me how you did that. Ross: Focus. Rachel: Okay. Um…But—Okay, yes Ross and I used to date. And yes we are gonna have a baby. But we are definitely not getting back together. Mona: How can I be sure on that? Rachel: Oh we just—we drove each other crazy! Ross: Yeah. Rachel: I mean he was possessive, he was jealous, he could never just let the little things go! Ross: Trying to date this woman. Rachel: Right! But, none of that compared to how kind and-and how gentle and thoughtful he is. (Rubbing his shoulder.) Ross: Probably shouldn’t touch me. Mona: Y’know, I-I-I just…I don’t want to get in the middle of something so complicated. Rachel: I know, I get it, but Mona, what relationship is not complicated? I mean we all have our baggage! You must too! Why else would you still be single? (Mona looks at her.) I am so gonna leave right now. (Ross opens the door for her and she leaves.) Ross: Should I leave this open for you too? Mona: I’m not sure yet. Why didn’t you just tell me about all this? Ross: Because what’s going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you. Mona: Yeah? Well you still shoulda told me. Ross: I know and I was going to, but I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachel’s father. Look I…I made a mistake, but it’s only because I really, really like you. Really! Mona: Okay, I guess you can…close the door now. (He does so and they kiss.) Rachel: (entering) Forgot my purse! (Sees them kissing.) Oh, you guys made up. (To Mona) He’s a good kisser isn’t he? (Ross goes to close the door on her.) I’m going! (Quickly leaves and Ross locks the door.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the bachelor party has ended and Monica is trying to explain herself to Chandler.] Monica: I swear I didn’t know she was a hooker! I mean wh—Did you let her smoke in here? Chandler: Her ass print is still on your grandmother’s quilt, do you really want to talk about smoking? Monica: Y’know what? I’m gonna make this up to you. I promised you a stripper (turns on the radio), and you’re gonna get a stripper. (She starts to strip.) Chandler: Monica! Wait! Monica: What? Chandler: (puts on his crown) Carry on. (She does so by taking off her jacket seductively, only she has trouble getting one hand out and slams the jacket on the chair angrily to remove it.) Monica: Ooh, these tennis shoes are so tight. I think I’ll take them off. (Goes to do so.) Chandler: Could you not narrate? Monica: Gotcha sailor. (Kicks one of her shoes off and it lands in the kitchen knocking something down, but she continues to strip.) Closing Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is being yelled at by her dad over the phone, and he’s been going on for so long Rachel is holding the phone away from her ear and reading a book.] Dr. Green: (on phone) …just because you’re not in love with the guy you can’t… Phoebe: (entering, quietly) Wow, you told your dad the truth. Rachel: About an hour ago. Phoebe: Wanna go see a movie? Rachel: Yes! (She gets up and sets the phone on the counter without hanging it up.) Bye daddy. (Phoebe and her leave.) Dr. Green: (on phone, not hearing her) …there’s gonna be a wedding! (Joey enters from his room and goes to get a beer from the fridge.) That’s unacceptable Rachel! What the hell does love have to do with it anyway?! There are more important things in a marriage other than love! (Joey hears something and looks around for the source.) …constantly thinking about things! You have to think about the consequences of your decision. (Joey finds that the sound is coming from the phone and puts it to his ear.) Joey: (on phone) Hey! I do too think about the consequences of my decisions! (Listens) What gives you the right to… (Listens) Go to hell! (Hangs up the phone and opens the fridge.) Stupid guy on my phone. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x08 - The One With The Stripper"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting as Rachel enters from her bedroom.] Joey: Hey Rach listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back. Rachel: (looking at her fingers) Oh my…God! Let me see that! (Grabs the book from him.) Joey: (laughing) You fall for it every time! Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: I brought you my old maternity clothes! (Sets a bag on the counter.) Rachel: Oh Pheebs that’s so sweet—(Grabs a pair of pants)—Ooh, those are so cute! Phoebe: Yeah! And look, (Grabs the pants) see how they expand as the baby grows? (There’s a stretchy part in front.) And then after the baby’s born, they’re great for shoplifting melons. Monica: (entering) Oh good you’re all here. Thanksgiving tomorrow, four o’clock. (To Rachel) Oh, guess who I invited. Remember that guy Will Colbert from high school? Rachel: No. Monica: He was in Ross’s class…marching band…kinda overweight? Well, really overweight. I mean I was his thin friend. Rachel: Wow! I don’t remember him. Honey, are you sure you’re not talking about your imaginary boyfriend. Monica: No that was Jarred! Wow! I haven’t thought about him in a long time… (Stares off into the distance lost in thought.) (Pause) Anyway, umm Will’s, Will’s here on business and he didn’t have a place to go so I invited him here. Rachel: Oh that’s nice. Monica: Oh, and by the way, he’s lost a bunch of weight. I mean he looks goo-ood! Okay, I mean really, really gorgeous! (Joey clears his throat.) I still love Chandler. Joey: I just want you to say it once in a while. Monica: All right okay, just so you know, I’m not gonna make a turkey this year. Joey: What?! Monica: Well Phoebe doesn’t eat turkey… Joey: Phoebe! Phoebe: Turkey’s are beautiful, intelligent animals! Joey: No they’re not! They’re ugly and stupid and delicious! Monica: All right! Okay, it’s just Phoebe. Will’s still on a diet, Chandler doesn’t eat Thanksgiving food, and Rachel’s having her aversion to poultry. Joey: She is? Rachel: Remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken? Joey: Yeah. But I thought that was because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table. Monica: Anyway, it just doesn’t seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people. Okay? It’s a lot of work. Joey: But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like-like Fourth of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas! Monica: All right fine! If it means that much to you! But just—there’s gonna be a ton left over. Joey: No there won’t! I promise I will finish that turkey! Monica: All right, you’re telling me you can eat an entire turkey in just one sitting? Joey: That’s right! ‘Cause I’m a Tribbiani! (To Rachel) And this is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don’t read a lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can eat! Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is watching football, and it’s actually the right game Green Bay at Detroit (although not this year’s), as Monica is getting everything ready.] Monica: Hey, isn’t weird to think about how next year at this time they’ll be a little baby at the table? (Chandler turns around in horror.) (Seeing him) Rachel’s! But good to know where you’re at! Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Happy Thanksgiving! Monica: You too! Phoebe: Anything I can do to help? Monica: Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but he’s really into the game so I don’t want to bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins? (Hands her a stack of them.) Phoebe: Sure! Monica: I’m gonna go across the hall to check on the yams. Phoebe: Okay. (She starts folding the napkins in half.) Monica: No! No! No! No sweetie! No! Not like that! We’re not at a barn dance. You’ve gotta—you wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at Christmas time, remember? Phoebe: Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me. (Monica exits.) (To Chandler) So how’s the game? Chandler: I have no idea. Phoebe: What? Chandler: Yeah! I’m just pretending to watch the game so I don’t have to help out with stuff. Phoebe: I don’t believe you! That is…brilliant! And Monica has no idea? Chandler: Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV. (Monica enters and Chandler screams stuff at the TV.) Monica: Is your team winning hon? Chandler: Yeah! Anderson just scored again! (To Phoebe) There’s no Anderson. Phoebe: Well I want to get in on this. Hey Mon? I don’t think I can help you after all, I didn’t realize this game was on. Monica: Oh, I didn’t know you liked football. Phoebe: Well normally I don’t, but y’know…(looks at the TV)…Green Bay is playing. Monica: You like Green Bay? Phoebe: Well it’s only like my favorite bay! {Actually, it’s not bad. It just gets a little cold in winter, but in Wisconsin winter only lasts from August to June. J } (Phoebe joins Chandler on the couch as there is a knock on the door which Monica answers.) Monica: Hey! Will: Hey! (Oh, I should point out that the live studio audience at this point goes absolutely wild. And I had absolutely no idea that this Will character was that popular! Maybe they should make him the seventh friend. Which would work out just fine since he’s already married to one of them. Will is played by some guy named Brad Pitt, I guess he’s some sort of actor.) Will: Happy Thanksgiving! Monica: Aww thanks! God Will I’m so glad that you came! You look great! You must’ve lost like… Will: 150 pounds. Yeah, I’m gonna be in one of those Subway sandwich commercials. Monica: A pie! (Will brought a pie.) Will: Oh right. All right, it’s no fat, it’s no sugar, it’s no dairy…it’s no good. Throw it out. Monica: You wanna meet some people? This is uh; this is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will. Will: Hey. Chandler: Oh hey. I’d shake your hand but uh; I’m really into the game. Plus, I think it’d be better for my ego if we didn’t stand right next to each other. Monica: This is Phoebe. Phoebe: (nonchalantly glancing) Hey. (Turns back around.) Wow! (Looks up.) Well done. Monica: (to Will) Wanna give me a hand? Will: Sure! Monica, I can’t get over how great you look! You look stunning! Monica: Well you look incredible too! You’re just—you’re so fit! Chandler: I’m watching the game, but I’m not deaf! Monica: Oh umm, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming. Will: Ross is coming. Great! I love Ross! Monica: Good. And Rachel Green too. (Will stops suddenly.) Will: Oh. Monica: Is there a problem? Will: Nope. Uh, it’s okay. It’s just uh, God I hated her. Monica: What? Will: Yeah, I hated her. She was horrible to me in high school. But hey, it was a long time ago, I’m in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her again. You got any cakes or cookies or something? (Starts looking.) No Will no! Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y’know, it’s been a while since we’ve screamed something. Maybe we should. Phoebe: Oh okay. Chandler: Oh come on! Phoebe: Noooo!! Damn you ref! You burn in hell!!! (Joey enters eating potato chips.) Monica: Hey, what are you doing? You gotta save room, you’ve got almost an entire turkey to eat. Joey: Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm my stomach first. Eatin’ chips is like stretching. Monica: All right. Joey: Don’t worry, Tribbianis never get full. Will: I actually know what you’re talking about. I’m here to tell you something my friend, you can eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that void. Joey: (To Monica) Who the hell is this guy? Monica: Will! From high school. Joey: Oh hey! Monica: (to Will) Joey. Will: Hello. Ross: (entering) Will! Will: Ross! Ross: Hey-hey you came! Man you look incredible! Hot stuff! (They hug and Ross realizes what he said.) Hot stuff? Will: It’s good to see you man. Ross: Yeah, you too. Man, so-so what are you up to? Will: I’m a commodities broker. Ross: Really? Yeah that-that sounds interesting. Will: Yeah, it’s not. But I’m rich and thin. Ross: Oh! Man I don’t think I’ve seen you since uh, Lance Davis’ graduation party. Will: That was such a fun night! Ross: Yeah. It would’ve been good if we had gotten in, but still real fun. Will: Yeah. Ross: Yeah. Will: God we were lame back then. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were? Ross: (laughs) Yeah. Will: So what do you, what do you do now? Ross: So how long are you in town? Rachel: (entering, carrying a baking dish) Hi! Monica: Hey sweetie. Oh good. (Takes the baking dish from her.) Will: (glaring at Rachel) Rachel Green. Ross: Aw—oh, that’s right. Are-are you gonna be okay? Will: Oh, I’ll-I’ll be fine. Just God I hate her Ross! I hate her! Ross: Will, high school was-was a long time ago. Will: Look at her standing there with those yams! My two greatest enemies Ross: Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates. Rachel: (sees Will) Oh my God Monica, who is that? Monica: That’s Will from high school! Rachel: Oh! I do not remember him! Wow! He's really got that sexy, smoldering thing going on. (We see Will angrily staring at Rachel.) Oh my God, he’s… Look at the way he’s just staring at me. I think he’s trying to mouth something to me, but I can’t make it out. (Will mouths, "I hate you.") Monica: Okay, dinner’s ready! Chandler: Good game! Phoebe: Yeah. Chandler: Yeah. Solid effort. Solid effort. Monica: Oh, so who won? Phoebe: (simultaneously) Green Bay. Chandler: (simultaneously) Detroit. Monica: What? Phoebe: Well the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green Bay…Mermen. (They sit down at the table and Will goes to talk to Rachel.) Rachel: Hi! Will, right? Will: Right. Rachel: Hi! I’m Rachel Green. Will: Oh I-I remember you. Rachel: Really?! Aren’t you sweet! I gotta tell you though, I am, I am having the hardest time placing you. Oh-oh hang on! Did we umm, did we fool around at Lance Davis’ graduation party? Will: You are unbelievable. Rachel: Thank you! Monica: (breaking it up) Uh Rachel? Rachel, why don’t you sit here? (Next to Joey) And Will you sit way over there. (The other side of the table.) (Monica sets something on the table and removes the cover. It kinda looks like turkey.) Joey: That’s it?! Even if nobody helps me I can eat that no problem. At least give me a challenge! Monica: (laughs) This is Chandler’s chicken. This is the turkey. (Sets down a huge turkey.) Joey: (quietly) Oh. How-how big is that? Monica: About nineteen pounds. Joey: (To Rachel) It’s like me when I was born. Rachel: All right, who would uh, like some yams? Will? Will: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t ya? Rachel: What? (Joey starts offering Ross some turkey.) Oh y’know what? Can we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table? The smell is just yuck! Will: (sneeze talks) Typical. Rachel: I’m sorry. What? Will: I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in little Rachel land. (Does a fake hair flip.) Joey: (To Monica) Seriously, who is this guy? Rachel: Umm, I’m sorry. Do you-do you have a problem with me? Will: I don’t know? Do I? Do I? Phoebe: I think you do. Monica: (To Rachel) Apparently you were umm, a little mean to him in high school. Will: A little mean? You made my life miserable! Rachel: I’m-I’m—I had no idea. I’m sorry. I… Will: Well you should be. Screw it! Bring on the yams! Monica: Oh Will. But you-you’ve worked so hard… Will: Yams!!!! Monica: Okay. (Chandler grabs the dish from Monica and hands it to Will who starts dishing out a large helping.) Rachel: Uh Will umm, I just want to say that I’m real sorry for whatever I-I did to you in high school… Will: Oh, it wasn’t just me. We had a club! Rachel: You had a club?! Will: That’s right, The I Hate Rachel Green Club! Rachel: Whoa! My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me?! Who else was in this club? Will: Me and Ross. (Points at Ross.) Ross: No need to point, she knows who Ross is. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.] Rachel: (To Ross) So you were in an I Hate Rachel club? Will: Yes he was. (Holds up his hand for a high-five.) Ross: No. No. Rachel: So who else was in this club? Ross: Uh actually, there-there was also that exchange student from Thailand but I-I don’t think he-he knew what it was. Rachel: So Ross, we went out for two years, and you never told me you were in an I Hate Rachel club. Will: You went out with her?! We had a pact! Ross: That was in high school! It’s not like it was binding forever. Will: Then why did it have the word eternity in it? Rachel: Okay Monica, did you know about this?! Monica: I swear I didn’t. (To Ross and Will) Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door? Ross and Will: Yeah. Monica: Hmm, a little relieved, I gotta say. Ross: Look Rach I-I’m sorry, okay? I…I was a stupid kid, okay? The only reason I joined… Will: Co-founded! Ross: …co-founded. Co-founded the club was because I was insanely in love with you. Obviously I didn’t handle it very well. But if you think about it the I Hate Rachel Club was really the I Love Rachel Club. Will: Uh, except that it was really the I Hate Rachel Club. Rachel: Okay. So what? You guys would just like get together and like just say mean things about me? Will: Well, we did a little more than that. Ross: No-no! No-no. No-no. Phoebe: What?! What else did you do? Will: We started a rumor. Rachel: What rumor? Phoebe: Oh, come on Will! Just take off your shirt and tell us! Rachel: Ross! Ross: It was no big deal. We-we…said that the rumor was…that umm…you had both…male and female reproductive parts. Rachel: What?! Will: That’s right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis. Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God! Monica: You started that?! Rachel: What?! You heard that?! (Goes and stands behind Joey.) Monica: Everyone at our school heard it! Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?! Rachel: Oh no!!!! Oh my God!! This is all making so much sense to me now! This is why Adam Carter wouldn’t go out with me! This is why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region! (Motions to her breasts.) (Joey has turned around.) Ross: Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now. So-so that one’s not really our fault. Rachel: Monica, how come you never told me this?! Monica: I thought it might be true. And I was afraid that you were gonna cry and then show it to me. (Joey is now looking at Rachel, and since Rachel’s standing and he’s sitting down and he’s not looking at her face… You get the picture.) Rachel: Joey stop staring! There’s nothing there! It’s not true! Joey: I’m afraid I’m gonna need proof. Rachel: Oh! (Hits him and storms out.) [Time Lapse, dinner has ended for everyone except Joey who looks like to have finished the turkey, until he turns the plate around and reveals he only ate one side.] Joey: You are my Everest. Monica: Joey, you don’t have to finish that. Joey: Oh yes I do. Otherwise what’s next? Today I’m just a guy who can’t finish a turkey, but tomorrow I’m the guy who eats half a Powerbar, wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? No! No, I just…I just—I gotta change my pants. (Gets up and heads for the door.) Jeans have no give. (Exits.) Rachel: (entering carrying a book) Okay! Okay! Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year, "Dear Rach, you’re such a good person." Not girl! Person! Ross: Rach, I think you’re reading a little too much into it. Rachel: (reading what he wrote again) "Dear Rach, you’re a great person. Sorry about your tiney-wienie." (Will laughs.) Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn’t true?! Rachel: Yes! Will: Could you also tell them I’m skinny now? Monica: Oh! Me too! Ross: Well look-look I’m not calling anybody! Okay? It was like a million years ago! Rachel: I don’t care how long ago it was! You told people that I was half and half! Y’know what? I just want to point out I never did anything to hurt you in high school. Monica: That’s not totally true. Rachel: What? Ross: What? Monica: Well you-you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50-year-old librarian. Ross: (shocked) (To Rachel) How did you know that?!!!! Monica: It’s true?!! Ross: No. Rachel: Yes it is! I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog! (Ross is at a loss for words.) Will: Mrs. Altman? She also made out with Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went back to Thailand. Chandler: I’m sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman? Ross: Hey! She didn’t look 50! Chandler: Did she look 16? Rachel: Ohh, there’s a picture of her in the yearbook actually. Phoebe: Oh! (They all look.) Wow! Ross: She didn’t photograph well! Chandler: Well, she probably wasn’t familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings! Phoebe: So how did this happen? Did she, did she lure you to an early bird dinner? Ross: I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed some help with her word jumble. And one thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender. May she rest in peace… Monica: Didn’t she walk with a cane? Ross: Only when it was damp!! (To Rachel) I can’t believe you-you told people about this?! Everybody knew?! Y’know what? (To Will) I’m back in the club! Will: Yeah! (They high-five.) Phoebe: I wanna join! Rachel: Wh—Phoebe!! Phoebe: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I never got to be in a club. I-I didn’t go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour. Rachel: All right, y’know—Fine! You guys have your stupid little club, but I would just like to say is what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you! You gave me a tiney-wienie! (Will laughs.) Monica: All right, listen you’re just being silly. Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school and everyone wanted to be like you. One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll! Rachel: Wow… Monica: And Ross, if it weren’t for Rachel’s rumor I mean no one in high school would even know who you were. She put you on the map! Ross: As a romancer of the elderly. Monica: Hey! Mrs. Altman was the kind of woman you could tell she used to be pretty. Ross: The eyes…did still sparkle. Monica: Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the past. You-you’ve been through so much since then. And right now you’ve got so much more important stuff going on in your life. Can’t you just let this go? Rachel: She’s right. Ross: Yeah. I mean we are having a baby together. Will: Hold on! You got her pregnant? Ross: Yeah. Will: Are ya getting married? Ross: Nope. Will: So you knocked her up but you’re not gonna marry her. Dude! (Wants another high-five and Ross ignores him.) Anybody? Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over and hugs him.) It’s exactly how I’d imagined it would be. Joey: (entering, wearing the maternity pants from earlier) All right where’s that turkey! Phoebe: Joey! Those are my maternity pants! Joey: Not now! These are my Thanksgiving pants! Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Will has left and the rest of the gng is watching Joey finish the turkey.] Joey: Well that’s it. I’m done. Whew! (Wipes his forehead.) There come the meat sweats. (Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.) Monica: Well Joey, we’re all…we’re all very proud of you. Chandler: Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now. Phoebe: Is there anything we can do for you? Joey: No just, nobody press on my stomach. Rachel: You can keep those pants by the way. (Joey notices Monica has gotten a pie.) Joey: Whoa—hey—wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie? Monica: Yeah, you want some? Joey: Ah, just cut me a little sliver. (Monica prepares to cut a little sliver.) A little bigger. (Monica prepares to cut a bigger piece.) Little bigger. (Monica moves the Knfe again.) What?! Are you afraid you’re gonna run out?! Cut me a real piece! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x09 - The One With The Rumor"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Story by: Robert Carlock Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying on a pair of new boots as Chandler enters.] Monica: Hey! So what do you think? Chandler: New haircut? (Monica nods ‘No.’) Necklace? (No) Dress? (No) Boots? (Monica nods ‘Yes.’) Boots! Monica: Yes! Now, they’re a little more than I normally spend on boots…or rent (Shows him the receipt.) Chandler: Oh my God! Monica: I know. Chandler: I’m gonna miss being able to afford food. Monica: I’m sorry, they just, they just look so good! And the saleswoman was looking at me like, "Oh, these are way too expensive for you." Chandler: She had a point. (Shows her the receipt.) Rachel: (entering) Hi! Monica: Hey. Rachel: Oh my God! (Notices the boots) Oh Monica! Those boots are amazing! Monica: They’re mine! Chandler: Yeah well, too bad we’re gonna have to return them. Rachel: Return them?! Shh! They’re gonna hear you! Monica: Honey, I’m not returning them. Okay? I mean I-I know they cost a lot, but I’m going to wear them all the time. You’ll see. Besides, I love the compliments. I mean, have you ever had something so beautiful everyone wanted it? Chandler: I have you. Monica: Nice try; I’m keeping the boots. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is talking to Rachel’s, who is now showing, stomach.] Ross: That’s right, I love you! And-and I’m gonna play with you all the time. Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that? Rachel: (pause) He’s talking to the baby. Phoebe: Ohh! Okay! Okay, cause when-when he said, "I can’t wait to hear your first words," I thought, "There’s a trick." Rachel: Okay. Well, I gotta go you guys. I’ll see you later. Phoebe: Okay. Ross: Bye. Rachel: Bye. (She gets up to leave but is stopped by Joey) Joey: Oh hey Rach, listen—Hi! Rachel: Hi. Joey: Umm, can you do me a favor? I was talkin’ to my sister and she knows you work at Ralph Lauren… Rachel: No, forget it! No way! I am not sending anymore Ralph Lauren clothes to prison. It is a waste. Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no, not her, not her. My youngest sister, Dina, she’s really interested in fashion, and she wants to talk to someone successful, y’know, to give her some advice. Rachel: I guess I can talk to one of my supervisors… Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, she wants to talk to you! Rachel: Really?! Oh my God! I’m successful! Joey: Okay, so will you meet with her? Rachel: Yes! I’d love to! Have her come by the office. Joey: Great! Thanks! You’re gonna love her so much. And—Oh, she’s the smartest of all the Tribbiani children. Hey, y’know the S.A.T’s? Rachel: Yeah. Joey: She took ‘em! (Joey goes to get coffee and Rachel exits as the camera pans to Phoebe and Ross on the couch.) Phoebe: Hey Ross! Doesn’t Ben go to the Smithfield Day School? Ross: Yeah. Why? Phoebe: Sting has a son that goes there too! Ross: Yeah I know; he’s in Ben’s class. Phoebe: You knew this and you never said anything?! With all the stupid dinosaur stuff you tell us?! Ross: Fine! No more dinosaur stuff! Can I talk about fossils? (Joey is about to sit down and hears this so instead he groans and exits.) Phoebe: Sting’s son, seven years old and there’s a picture. Ross: What are you reading? The Kidnappers Guide to Manhattan Private Schools? Phoebe: No, it’s New York magazine. It’s an article about the best schools in the city. So how well do you know Sting? Ross: Uh, I actually haven’t even met him. Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that’s too bad. I really want to go to his concert Friday night, but it’s totally sold out. I know! Why don’t you meet him and get tickets?! If you get two I’ll take you. Ross: Well actually, I’m picking Ben up tomorrow, maybe he’ll be there. Phoebe: There you go! Oh, you are so lucky! You might actually get to meet Sting tomorrow! That’s why you have kids! [Scene: Central Perk, the next day Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey-hey. Rachel: Hi Monica! Monica: Hey. (Sits down on the arm of the couch.) Rachel: Hi boots. Monica: See Chandler? I’m getting a lot of use out of them already! They’re very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants… Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them. (Goes and gets some coffee at the counter.) Phoebe: Wow! They’re beautiful! Rachel: Ahh… Monica: (almost crying) They hurt so much! Phoebe: What?! Monica: The guy who made these hates feet and wants to see them die! Rachel: Well-well you can give them to me! I haven’t felt my feet in years! Monica: I can’t! I spent so much money on them and I told Chandler that I’d wear them all the time, I just can’t give them away! Phoebe: Well then get your money back and return them! Monica: I can’t do that either! The soles’ are already a little scuffed up and the insides are filled with my blood. Ross: (entering) Hey! Chandler: (returning to his seat) Hey! Ross: Hey I uh just picked up Ben from school… Chandler: (spinning around looking for him) I don’t think you did a very thorough job! Ross: I dropped him off at Carol’s. (To Phoebe) Anyway, it turns out that I’m not going to be able to get those tickets though. Phoebe: Oh no! Why not? Ross: Well it turns out that Ben and Sting’s son do not get along. Phoebe: How come?! Ross: Apparently, Sting’s son made fun of the fact that Ben’s moms are lesbinims. Phoebe: Wait! But Ross if they don’t get along then you should smooth things over. Make them be friends. Ross: Phoebe, you can’t force kids to be friends. Phoebe: Sure you can! Give them some blocks, put them in a playpen! Ross: Playpen?! Ben’s seven! Phoebe: Your kid is seven?! (Ross nods, "Yes.") (To the rest) He’s really small. (To Ross) Please! Please get the tickets! Ross: Look I’m sorry Pheebs, I can’t do it. Phoebe: Yes you can! Sting says so himself! Ross: What? Phoebe: (singing) Rosssss can! Ross: Look Phoebe, I’m sorry it’s just… Phoebe: (singing) Rossss can! Ross: Phoebe, I… Phoebe: (singing) Rosss can! Give me the tickets! Ross can give me the tickets!! (Ross runs out to get the tickets.) [Scene: Rachel’s Office, Joey has brought Dina to meet with Rachel.] Joey: (entering, with Dina) Here she is! Future fashion superstar! Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m hardly a… Joey: My little sister Dina! Rachel: Right! Hi Dina! Dina: Hi. Rachel: Nice to meet you. (They shake hands.) Dina: Thanks so much for meetin’ with me. Joey’s told me so much about you! Joey: This is so exciting for her. Well, I’ll let you two fash…ists get down to business. (Exits.) Rachel: Okay. All right Dina, well let’s talk about the different areas of fashion that you could get involved in. Let’s see, there’s design, but you may need a whole other degree for that. Uh, there’s-there’s sales, which is great because you get to travel… Dina: I…I don’t care about fashion! I’m pregnant! And I know you are too, so you gotta help me! Rachel: (stunned) And there’s marketing… [Scene: The Hallway, Monica is returning, but before she enters the apartment she stops on the step and changes from wearing tennis shoes to the boots and she moans in pain as she puts each boot on.] Monica: (standing up) Ahhhhhhhh! Chandler: (opening the door) What’s wrong? Monica: Oh nothing I’m just—just was yawning. (Mimics the groan from before and stretches.) Chandler: Oh don’t forget, my office holiday party is tonight. (They go into the apartment.) Monica: Honey, we don’t really have to go to this thing tonight do we? Chandler: Now sweetie, I know you don’t like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots. See? Every cloud has a…supple leather lining. Monica: I-I don’t-I don’t think that I’m gonna wear the boots tonight. Chandler: Why not? Monica: Well y’know, I’m just-I’m just worried that bosses will see them and think they pay you too much money. Or! Or your assistant will see them and-and want a raise! Chandler: Do you think I work at some kind of boot pricing company? Monica: Anyway, I picked up this outfit that I want to wear and the, and the boots don’t really go with it. Chandler: You said that you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses, and pants! Monica: Fine! If you want me to wear the boots, I’ll wear the boots. In fact, I’ll go into my room right now and y’know try the outfit on. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Okay? (She starts to walk which causes her to start crying) Ooo wee! Christmas party in my boots! (Runs into the bedroom and mixes saying ‘ow’ with laughing.) [Scene: The Hallway, Rachel is about to enter her apartment with Dina to tell Joey the news.] Dina: I-I can’t go in there. I can’t tell him! Rachel: Honey, it’s going to be okay. He’s been incredibly supportive of me, and if he gets a little upset; that’s what the meatball sub is for. (She gives Dina a sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil.) Dina: Thank you. Rachel: Okay. (They enter.) Joey: Hey! It’s my fashion girls! (They don’t react.) What’s wrong? Rachel: Honey, why don’t you sit down? Dina has something that she wants to tell you. Joey: (concerned) Oh. What’s, what’s going on? Is it mom? Is she sick? Is it dad’s heart? Is that a sandwich? Dina: Joe, mom and dad are fine… Joey: Is that a sandwich?! Rachel: Joey…there’s something that you…should know. Dina? Dina: I’m pregnant. Joey: (angrily) What?! Rachel: (To Dina) Now! Give him the sandwich! Give him the sandwich! (She quickly sets the sandwich in front of him.) Joey: Well obviously this is a mistake! You can’t be pregnant! Because you have to have sex to get pregnant! Dina: Joe, I tried to wait until I was 25 like you did! Rachel: What?! Dina… Joey: (to Rachel) Bub!!! (Points at her and quiets Rachel.) (To Dina) I can’t believe this! You’re the good one! You went to college! Both years! Who did this to you?! Dina: Bobby Corso, but he’s a real nice guy. I like him a lot. He’s real funny. Joey: You got pregnant for funny?! Dina…if he’s funny…laugh! All right, I’ll be back in a little while! You stay here! Dina: Why? Where are you going? Joey: I can’t look at you right now! (Exits and slams the door behind him.) Dina: Wow. Rachel: I know. (Joey storms back in and covering his face so he doesn’t see Dina grabs the sandwich and heads back out.) Commercial Break [Scene: The Midfield Day School, it’s after school and Ben is taking a drink of water as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Oh, there you are Ben! Ben: Aunt Phoebe, what are you doing here? Phoebe: Well, I heard you’re having a problem with one of the boys in your class. And so I thought I would just come down here and sit you both down, have a little talk and make it all okay. Now umm, the boy’s name is Sting’s son. Ben: Jack? I hate him! He’s a jerk. Phoebe: Now Ben, sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they have famous fathers. Ben: I have to go. My friend Doug is waiting for me over there. (Goes over to Doug.) Phoebe: Him you’re friends with. (Starts looking at the children trying to find Jack and a teacher notices her.) The Teacher: Excuse me. Can, can I help you with something? Phoebe: Yes! Yes you can, I’m looking for Jack’s parents. The Teacher: Are you with one of the students? Phoebe: Uh-huh, I’m with Ben. The Teacher: Are you one of Ben’s mothers? Phoebe: I am one of Ben’s mothers. I’m a lesbian. It was, it was difficult coming out to my parents. The Teacher: Well hi, I’m Jenny Boone. I’m the new teacher here. Phoebe: Oh. The Teacher: I’ve only met your partner Carol. Phoebe: Ah! Okay so that would make me Susan. The Teacher: Right. Are you looking for Jack’s parents to discuss the problems he’s having with Ben? (Phoebe nods ‘Yes.’) Yeah. Because I really do think the parents should sit down and have a conversation. Phoebe: Yeah! Let’s do that!! That-that sounds good. We should sit down and talk, just me, my lover Carol, and the Stings. Umm, how-how will I get in touch with them? The Teacher: Oh, their number is on the contact sheet. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Umm, could-could I get a copy of that? ‘Cause Carol threw it out, she lost ours. She’s such a scatterbrain, but man what a hot piece of ass. [Scene: A Street, Chandler and Monica are walking down the sidewalk after his office holiday party.] Chandler: Y’know, that party wasn’t bad. Monica: Yeah! I didn’t know there would be dancing. That was a fun surprise! Chandler: I don’t see any uh, cabs. Maybe we should just walk? Monica: Oh no, we can’t walk! Chandler: What honey, it’s like fifteen blocks to the subway. Let’s go. Monica: Hey! Do you think that we can get to the subway right there if we climb down through the manhole cover? Chandler: What’s going on? Monica: I can’t walk. Okay? Okay? These boots were a huge mistake! Chandler: What? Monica: Okay you were right! All right, I never should have bought them! They’re klling me! One toe at a time! Chandler: So I was right. This is what it feels like to be right. (Pause) It’s oddly unsettling. Monica: How are we gonna get home? Maybe a piggy-back ride? Chandler: Hop on. Monica: Okay. Wait, just give me a second, I need to just get my boots off first. (She starts taking them off.) Ah…Ooh…Oohh…Ohh…Oh God…Ohh…Oh…Ohh…Ohhhh… Chandler: Honey, I know you’re in pain right now, but I’m a little turned on. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Dina and Rachel are reading pregnancy books, Dina Pregnancy for Dummies and Rachel something else.] Dina: Do you ever worry that you’ll be walking and your baby will just like slip out? Rachel: What college was that Dina? (Joey enters dragging a guy.) Dina: Oh my God! Bobby! Bobby: Hi Dina. Good to see you. Rachel: Joey, what are you doing? Joey: Just what needs to be done! Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman… Rachel: Oh Joey this is crazy! Joey: Don’t interrupt me when I’m talkin’ to God! Now where were we? Oh right, okay. Do you Dina, take this man… Dina: No! Joey: Oh you’ll take ‘em! Dina: No I won’t! Joey: Hey! You don’t get a say in this! Dina: Yes I do! Joey: Ahhh! I heard "I do", we’re halfway there! Okay! (To Bobby) You! Rachel: All right Joey! That is enough! (Grabs him and pulls him away from Bobby and Dina) Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, it’s not legal. Okay? They-they don’t have a marriage license, they don’t have any witnesses, and the groom only has on one shoe! Bobby: Yeah, he took the other one off and ht me with it. Joey: Well what am I supposed to do? Rachel: You’re supposed to realize that they are adults! And that they can make their own decisions. Joey: No they can’t! They were stupid enough to get knocked up! Rachel: Heyyyyy! Contraceptives are not always effective! (To Bobby and Dina) Right? Bobby: Yeah…we kinda didn’t use any… Rachel: Oh, come on kids! A little help here! [Scene: Sting’s Apartment, Phoebe has come to talk about Jack and is waiting for Sting’s wife, Trudie Styler, to enter.] Phoebe: Wow! This place is incredible! (Gasps) Sting’s pen…that he gave to Phoebe. (Puts the pen in her purse and goes over to a floor-to-ceiling bookcase) Come on! Secret passageway! (Starts pulling books at random as Trudie enters.) Trudie Styler: Hi! (By the way, it’s actually her.) Phoebe: Hi! Trudie Styler: I’m Trudie. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Trudie Styler: You must be Ben’s mum. Phoebe: Why else would I be here? Trudie Styler: Do sit down. Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go and sit down.) Trudie Styler: I gather Jack and Ben haven’t been getting along lately. Phoebe: Yeah. Trudie Styler: I’m told there are two sides to this story, but all I’ve heard is that Ben’s a bit of a poo-poo head. Phoebe: Umm, I’m sorry. Won’t-won’t Jack’s father be joining us? Trudie Styler: Oh I’m sorry, Jack’s father is not available. Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Okay. Well then, could we reschedule? For say, Friday night perhaps at 8 o’clock? Trudie Styler: Oh no, I know that wouldn’t work. My husband’s in concert. Phoebe: Concert. Yeah. That does put us in…quite a pickle. Because you see I’m very busy before and after the concert, and he’s obviously busy during. Trudie Styler: So, I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now. Phoebe: Unless! Unless umm, okay I-I would be willing to go to the concert, umm, all the while thinking about the children of course. Trudie Styler: Are you here for tickets? Phoebe: Oh, thank you. Four would be great. Trudie Styler: I’m not giving concert tickets to someone who’d use their son like this! Phoebe: Oh good! Then you’re in luck! Ben’s not my son! Trudie Styler: (stands up) Look, I’ve just pressed a button, triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here! Phoebe: The Police? Here? A reunion?! (She gets out her camera.) [Scene: The Street, Chandler is carrying Monica past a store window.] Chandler: Okay, ten blocks down. Five to go. Monica: (notices something in the window) Oh wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Chandler: Oh I’m sorry! Do you need a break? Monica: My boots in tan! Hey! Can you get a little closer so I can see the price? Chandler: I can see it from right here. It’ll cost you one husband. Monica: Okay, I’m sorry. I think I can walk the rest of the way now. Just-just give me my boots. Chandler: (pause) I don’t have your boots. Monica: Well I don’t have them either. Where are they? Chandler: Well, why don’t you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay! Monica: Okay. (She gets off him.) God well, we gotta go back and get them! Chandler: Honey, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again? Monica: Okay, I’m never gonna wear them again. I just didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. Chandler: Y’know what? You can say goodbye to the tan ones. Monica: Okay. (Climbs back on his back.) All right. Chandler: Okay. (Moves closer to the window.) Monica: (to the boots) Bye boots—Wait! Half off?! (Chandler runs off.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are still discussing Bobby and Dina’s situation.] Rachel: Joey, just because they’re not getting married doesn’t mean this is going to be a disaster. Maybe they have a plan! Joey: Oh? Oh! Okay! Okay! Let’s hear their plan! Now, what’s the future look like for Dina and Bobby? Bobby: Well…I really have high hopes for my band. Joey: (to Dina) You were right. He is funny. Rachel: Hey, now wait a minute! I get when you told people at first that you wanted to be an actor they laughed at you! Now come on Bobby, why don’t you tell us a little bit about your band? Bobby: Well it’s just me and my pal Rooster, the band’s name is Numb Nuts. Rachel: (To Dina) Really? (Nods her head at Bobby.) Joey: Dina, if you’re having a baby you should be married! Even if it is to Bobby! (Bobby gets happy.) Dude, that’s not a compliment! Dina: No Joey! I knew you wouldn’t be supportive! Joey: So whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What are you gonna do? You’re gonna have the baby and-and raise it by yourself…without a husband?! You can’t be a single mother alone! You’re gonna ruin your life! Rachel: Oh excuse me! Am I ruining my life? Joey: No! No! No! It’s different for you. You’re so strong and together. You’re not some dumb kid who doesn’t know what she’s doing. Dina: Excuse me? Joey: One pregnant woman at a time, please! I just want you to be okay. Rachel: So forcing her to marry Bobby is gonna make that happen? Joey: Maybe! (To Bobby) Well! Well…so-so uh, what kind of music does Numb Nuts—Oh forget it! I can’t! Dina: Joey, I am scared to death about this. But I really think I can do it, I’m just gonna need some help. And Bobby’s gonna be here the whole time. Bobby: You bet I am! (To Joey) And to answer your earlier question, we’re straight-up gangster rap. (Joey shakes his head as if he’s about to lose it.) Dina: Look, Rachel’s told me how much easier you’ve made all this on her. Why can’t you do that for me? Joey: Because! ‘Cause… ‘Cause you’re my baby sister! Dina: And you’re my big brother! I mean, you’re my favorite guy in the whole world. I’m not even scared to tell mom and dad. I was scared of telling you. Joey: Well I’d be scared of them, but all right. Dina: Joey, I can’t stand the thought of having this baby with you mad at me. I want him to have his uncle. Is my baby gonna have his Uncle Joey? Joey: Of course he’s gonna have his Uncle Joey! Dina: We’re gonna be all right. I mean, even if we’re not married this baby is gonna be so loved. Not just by us. Joey: That’s right! By his uncle too! Bobby: And by you. Rachel: Okay Bobby, why don’t we just come over here and let them have a little moment. (Drags Bobby away from Joey and Dina.) Joey: Come here! (Hugs Dina and Bobby looks to hug Rachel.) Rachel: No! Seriously! What’s wrong with you?! Closing Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Ross are there.] Ross: You’re gonna love me so much. I got Sting tickets!! (Holds up two.) Phoebe: Oh my God! I do love you! How did you do it?! Ross: Well…let’s just say… (singing) Rosss caaaaan! Phoebe: Oo, where are the seats? Ross: Uh, middle balcony. Phoebe: Okay, now would you say that that’s more than 50 yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family? Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: Then that’s not breaking the law! I’m there! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x10 - The One With Monica\u2019s Boots"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Robert Carlock Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is looking around the shop as Phoebe returns from getting some more coffee.] Rachel: Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: Look at that guy by the window, wow! Phoebe: He’s awfully short and I think he’s talking to himself. And to be completely honest, he’s not that good in bed. Rachel: Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean it’s like every guy I see—I mean look here. (Points behind them) Look at that guy for example, I mean normally that’s not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the way I’m feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack. Phoebe: Wait a second! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: This is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy. Rachel: Really?! So this has happened to you? Phoebe: Oh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so in, y’know, medical terms I was-I was thrice as randy. Rachel: Wow! This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santa’s lap. Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a Foot Locker. Rachel: Ah. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: Well, y’know what? I go see my doctor tomorrow, I’ll ask her about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something. Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, that’s what you need a good…pill. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Mona enters.] Mona: Hey! (To Joey) Hey! Ross: Hi! Mona: Hi! Look! I got our pictures developed from Rockefeller Center. Ross: Oh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating? Joey: Oh uh, ordinarily I would love too, but I am just swamped right now. (Brushes something off of his shirt and looks around, but doesn’t move from his chair.) Ross: Hey where-where are the pictures that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together? Mona: Oh yeah, probably at the end. (Flips to the end.) Oh my God! He only took pictures of my breasts! Joey: I’m missin’ picture time?! (Jumps over to look, Ross glares at him and he retreats.) Phoebe: (sitting down next to Ross) Y’know she has a face Ross! Mona: Okay. Okay, here’s a good one of us. Ross: Wow! That is a good one! Wow, it looks like a, like a holiday card y’know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow. Mona: Y’know, every year I say I’m gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it. Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together? Ross: (pause) Together? Like-like to people? Mona: Yeah, y’know. Happy holidays from Mona and Ross. It’ll be cute, okay? Ross: Okay. (Not happy about it.) Mona: Oh, I gotta get to work. So call me later? Ross: Uh sure, sure. Mona: Bye guys. Phoebe: Bye. (Mona exits.) Joey: (To Ross) Congratulations! You just got married! Ross: I know. Can you believe that? Phoebe: Wait, I’m-I’m sorry. What’s the big deal about a holiday card? Ross: Married couples send out cards, families send out cards, people who have been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards! What-what is she crazy?! Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey that’s your wife you’re talking about! [Scene: Chandler’s Office, his boss Doug is entering, Monica is there as well.] Doug: Bing! Ho! And the Bing-ette! Chandler: Honey, you remember my boss Doug right? Monica: Yes, hi. Doug: Hi. So good news, the divorce is final. I signed the papers this A.M. Chandler: I didn’t know you and Carol were getting divorced, I’m sorry. Doug: Sorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap. Hey, congratulations to you guys though! Monica: No leg-chewing for us sir. Doug: Oh well, give it time. So the divorce, the marriage, we’ve got a lot to celebrate. How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night? Monica: I can’t think of anything we’re doing. (Quietly) Why can’t I think of anything we’re doing? Doug: Tomorrow night it is then, I should be out of court by six. They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them out of the park! Monica: Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow! (Doug exits.) Just so you know, we’re not seeing him tomorrow. (Chandler wonders why.) I-I cannot spend another evening with that man. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding? Chandler: No. Monica: That’s because he wasn’t invited because of the way he behaved at our engagement party. Chandler: Oh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture doesn’t it? [Scene: Ross's Apartment, there’s a knock on the door and he opens it to Mona.] Mona: Hi! Ross: Hey! Mona: Hey, I went by the photo shop, take a look, here is a mockup of our card. What do you think? Ross: Huh. Wow, this is great. Mona: Now, do you think it should say, "Love Ross and Mona?" Ross: Well, we-we haven’t said that to each other yet, but I guess its okay to say it to other people. Mona: How many did you want? I’m getting a hundred. Ross: A hundred?! Well, I-I guess I’ll take a—Mona, uh…I-I’m not sure about the whole uh, card thing. Mona: Really? Why not? Ross: Sending out a holiday card, together, I mean I just don’t know if we’re really quite there yet. Mona: Oh y’know, I didn’t think of it that way. You’re right. You’re right. So, can I ask you a question? Ross: Yeah. Mona: Where are we? Ross: Huh. Mona: Y’know, like where are we? Where is this relationship going? Ross: Hmm… Mona: I mean I love spending time with you, y’know I just—I hope we’re moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that. Don’t you think? (Pause.) Ross: Let’s do the card! Mona: What? Ross: The card! I think we’re there! Mona: Okay. I—But I think we should still have this conversation. Ross: Really?! I mean, even with the card? [Scene: Rachel’s Doctor’s Office, she is waiting for her doctor as a nurse enters.] Nurse: Hi! Rachel: Hi! Nurse: Just so you know, Dr. Long can’t be here today, she was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you. Rachel: Oh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or-or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? Y’know who I’m talking about, bald haircut, hairy fingers… (Stops when she realizes it was her.) Dr. Schiff: (entering) Hi Rachel? I’m Dr. Schiff. (By the way, he’s an attractive man.) Rachel: Yes, you are. Dr. Schiff: So, how’s it going? Rachel: Oh, really, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where are you from? What do you do? Dr. Schiff: I’m a doctor. Rachel: Right! Right! I-I actually meant in your spare time, do you cook? Do you ski? Or do you just hang out with your wife or girlfriend? Dr. Schiff: Uh, I don’t have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski. Rachel: Oh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?! Dr. Schiff: So, are you experiencing any discomfort? Rachel: No. I’m very comfortable. Dr. Schiff: Any painful gas? Rachel: No! sh*t, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?! Dr. Schiff: Okay then, would you like to lie down on the table? Rachel: Well would you like me to lie down on the table? Dr. Schiff: I’m sorry, is there something going on here? Rachel: Do you feel it too? [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi. Phoebe: Oh hey! So, how did your doctor’s appointment go? Rachel: Well, let’s see. Uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple. Phoebe: Oh my God. Monica: Why did you do that? Phoebe: Okay, remember that little problem I was having during my fourth month of pregnancy? Monica: Oh yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase. Oh man you were so hard up you practically came on to me. Phoebe: You wish. Monica: Hey, I could’ve had you if I wanted you. Phoebe: Oh yeah? Come and get it. Rachel: Okay, even this is turning me on! Ross: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Oh hey! Hey Ross! Hey how’s it, how’s it going with you and Mona? Are you guys still together? Ross: Oh yeah, yeah we’re moving forward. You’ll be getting our card! Monica: You and Mona are doing a holiday card together? Ross: Yeah, we’re not just doing a card! Y’know, she-she also wants to have the conversation about where the relationship is going. Phoebe: Ugh! Women! Ross: I know! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation?! Huh? I mean no self-respecting man would ask a woman, "So, where is this going?" Rachel: Uh Ross? You asked me that. Ross: Hey! You were a closed book! Okay? I’m not a mind reader! Besides, I hate those conversations. I’m horrible at them. Really! Maybe-maybe I need kind of a gesture. Y’know, something that says we’re moving forward without having to talk about it. Monica: Like asking her to move in with you? Ross: Smaller than that. Monica: Making her a mixed tape? Ross: Uh, bigger than that. Phoebe: Give her a key to your apartment. Ross: Whoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape. Monica: All right. Have you said, "I love you?" You could say, I love you. Ross: Yeah I-I don’t-I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but I could say I looove spending time with you. Phoebe: No, we hate that. Monica: That is a slap in the face. Ross: Forget it. I-I—Y’know what? I’ll just have the conversation. I’ll just say I like things the way they are, and hope for the best. What do you think Rach? Rachel: I think, if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater. [Scene: Chandler’s Office, Doug is entering.] Doug: Bing! We’re all set for tonight, 8 o’clock. Chandler: Oh uh, as it turns out, we can’t do it. Monica has to work. Doug: Oh, my ex-wife didn’t work, unless you call turning into her mother work. Fine. Tomorrow night then. Chandler: Oh uh well tomorrow’s no good for her either. Doug: Oh? Why not? Chandler: It’s the semi-finals…of her…botchy ball tournament. Doug: What’s going on Bing? Does uh, your wife have a problem with me or something? Chandler: Well now-now you’re just talking crazy. Doug: So why can’t the three of us go out together? Chandler: Because uh…we-we…we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me. Doug: Good God Bing I…well I can’t say I’m altogether surprised, I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there. And the way she looked at me, pure lust. Chandler: Y’know what would really help me through this tough time is choking something. Can I choke ya? Doug: Bing my boy, we’re gonna get you over this. Now here’s the plan, grab your coat, we’re going to a strip club. Chandler: Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak. (Doug looks at him.) But to hell with that bitch. [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Mona some coffee.] Ross: Here we go. Mona umm, I think it’s time we-we had a conversation about-about where things are with us. Mona: Yeah, I-I think I suggested that. Ross: Aw, we-we are so…(Motions that they’re connected.) So umm, well I-I-I like you and I-I love umm, y’know hanging out with you. And I mean-I’m having a lot of fun. (He pauses and thinks there might be more, but decides there isn’t.) Mona: Okay. Ross: I mean, there’s no point in spending time with someone if-if it’s just fun. It’s gotta be, it’s gotta be going somewhere right? So where-where is it going? (Pause) Ah! That’s-that’s the real question. And-and the answer is…is it’s going somewhere…fun. Now I-I know what you’re thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago y’know, but you’re-you’re not getting any younger. No I mean—No not you, not you, you—you are getting younger. I mean—you-you look like you’re getting younger by the second—What’s your secret? Mona: I’m sorry, so umm, so where are we? Ross: Well, well to sum up, we’re having fun, you look young. Mona: Okay… Ross: But that’s not enough. So… So…here’s a key to my apartment. (Hands her his key.) Mona: Really?! Ross: Really. Mona: You don’t think this is too fast. (Ross groans no.) Commercial Break [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is telling Rachel and Monica about yet another mistake he’s made with a woman.] Rachel: You gave her a key to your apartment?! Ross: Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship. Phoebe: (entering with some guy) Hey. Ooh Ross! How’d the conversation go? Ross: Oh great, I live on the street. Phoebe: Where?! (Ross exits.) Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hi! Okay, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger. Roger: Hey everybody. Monica: Hi Roger. Phoebe: So umm, I’m gonna get us some drinks. (To Rachel) Would you help me out? Rachel: Yeah. (They go into the kitchen.) Phoebe: Umm, he’s here to have sex with you. Rachel: What? Phoebe: You’re welcome. Rachel: Phoebe no! Phoebe: It’s okay, he’s a virgin. Monica: Rachel umm, I was just talking to this guy and I think he’ll have sex with you. Phoebe: Yeah, okay let’s leave these two alone. Rachel: No! I do not care what my hormones are doing, I am not going to just do it with some random guy! Phoebe: Fine! Then you tell Roger because he was really looking forward to this! (Phoebe exits.) [Scene: A Strip Club, Doug and Chandler are there.] Doug: Oh Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together. Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls. Huh? Chandler: Oh that’s all right sir, and that’s just one girl. Doug: Bing—What’s this?! (Grabs his hand.) Chandler: It’s a hand. It’s a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder. Doug: No, it’s a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. We’re gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there! Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Doug: Oh yeah-yeah-yeah, y’know I did it and I felt a hell of a lot better and if you whip it just right you might ht a seagull in the head. [Scene: Ross's Apartment, a locksmith has finished changing the locks on Ross’s door.] Ross: Okay, and oh I’m gonna need a bunch of extra keys. Apparently I give them away for no reason at all. Mona: (entering) Hey Ross, what’s going on? You changing the lock? Ross: No. That guy is. Mona: I don’t understand. You-you give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock. Locksmith: Good luck buddy. (Exits.) Mona: Umm, I-I thought we were moving forward and now you’re-you’re sending me all these mixed signals. What are you trying to tell me? Ross: I’m trying to tell you I made you a mix tape. Mona: What? Ross: I love you! Mona: Ohh! (Hugs him.) And I love spending time with you. (Ross isn’t happy.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is eating dinner as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hi honey I’m home. Monica: From the tequila factory? Chandler: It was awful. To get out of going to dinner with Doug I told him that you and I split up. So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars, and then when I wouldn’t give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird! Monica: Come here. I can breath through my mouth. Chandler: Y’know what the worse part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. It was like It’s a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives. Monica: I promise. Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year? Chandler: Ooh, I don’t know if we’re there yet. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is on the phone.] Rachel: Yes. Hi, I’d like to order a pizza. Okay, can I ask you a question? Is-is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very Ambercrombie & Fitch. (Joey enters.) I’ll call you back. Joey: Who was that? Rachel: It’s just the pizza place. Joey: You hung up on the pizza place? I don’t hang up on your friends. Rachel: I’m sorry honey, I’m just having a, having a rough day. Joey: Oh, what’s wrong? Rachel: Oh you really, you really just don’t want to hear about it. Joey: Then why did I ask? Rachel: Okay, it’s just—and this is really embarrassing—but lately with this whole pregnancy thing I’m just finding myself…how do I put this umm, erotically charged. Joey: Is that college talk for horny? Rachel: Yeah. So y’know, I have all of these feelings and I don’t know what to do about them, because I can’t date like a normal person, which is fine because I don’t need a relationship, I mean all I really want is one great night. Just sex, y’know? No strings attached, no relationship, just with someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what he’s doing. For just one great night, I mean is that really so…hard…to find. (Looks at Joey.) So how was your day? Joey: Good, I uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon. Rachel: Well, I gotta get up early and it’s almost seven o’clock. Joey: Yeah, I gotta, I gotta go to my room too. Rachel: Okay, good night! Joey: Good night. (They both enter their rooms.) (Pause.) Joey: (entering) I can’t do it! Rachel: (entering) I didn’t ask you to do it! Joey: You’re Rachel! Rachel: You’re Joey! Joey: You’re my friend! Rachel: Right back at ya! Joey: But plus, it would be wrong and weird and-and-and bad. Rachel: And so bad. I don’t even know what you’re talking about because I didn’t ask you to do anything! Joey: I know! (Pause.) Joey: Do you wanna do it? Rachel: No! Joey: All right, me neither! I was just testing you! Rachel: That’s the end of this conversation! Joey: This conversation never happened! Rachel: Never happened! Good night! Joey: Good night! (They both go into their rooms and after a little while Rachel pokes her head into the living room.) Joey: Get back in there! (Rachel re-enters her room and closes the door.) Closing Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hi. Listen, I’m sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It really wasn’t right, and I, and I want to make it up to you, so umm, I brought you something that I think you’ll really enjoy. (Goes into the hallway and returns carrying the Evander Holyfield cutout.) Now, this is just a loan. Okay? I’m gonna, I’m gonna want him back. So… (Looks at him longingly) I’m gonna go now. (Exits.) (Pause) (Entering) I’m sorry, I thought I could do it and I can’t! (She grabs the cutout and exits for good.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x11 - The One With Ross\u2019 Big Step Forward"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are entering carrying groceries and find Phoebe already there standing in front of a huge object that has been gift wrapped.] Phoebe: Hey! I got you a present!! Chandler: Oh my goodness! Where did you hide it? Phoebe: I got it for your wedding and I ordered it weeks ago, and it finally got here! Chandler: Pheebs you didn’t have to get us anything for our wedding you already sang… Monica: (interrupting) I love it! It’s huge!! Let’s open it! Open it!! (Monica rips open the paper.) Phoebe: It’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine!! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: I didn’t know where to put it so I just left it here for now. Monica: Oh well, maybe we can put it in the guest bedroom. Chandler: Oh, okay. Monica: All right. (He goes to push it and it doesn’t move.) Chandler: I kinda like it here. Phoebe: Do you really like it? Monica: Are you kidding?! I practically spent my entire childhood at the arcade! This is like—Oh my, this is like my second favorite game! Phoebe: Oh really? What was your first? Monica: Well I-I really don’t remember the name of it. Chandler: Well what did it do? Monica: Well, you just—you put a quarter in and y’know pull-pull some handles and win like a candy bar or something. Chandler: A vending machine? Monica: Don’t feel bad for me! I won like every time! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Oh, I’m so glad you guys are here. I’ve been dying to tell someone what happened in the Paleontology department today. Joey: (To Rachel) Do you think he saw us or can we still sneak out? Ross: Professor Neuman, the head of the department, so…. Rachel: They made you head of the department! Ross: No, I get to teach one of his advanced classes! (Pause) Why didn’t I get head of the department? (Goes and gets some coffee.) Joey: Oh! Hey Rach, listen umm… Rachel: Yeah. Joey: I got a big date coming up, do you know a good restaurant? Rachel: Uh, Paul’s Café. They got great food and it’s really romantic. Joey: Ooh, great! Thanks! Rachel: Yeah! Oh, and then afterwards you can take her to the Four Seasons for drinks. Or you go downtown and listen to some jazz. Or dancing—Oh! Take her dancing! Joey: You sure are naming a lot of ways to postpone sex, I’ll tell ya… Rachel: Ooh, I miss dating. Gettin’ all dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant. I’m not gonna be able to do that for so long, and it’s so much fun! I mean not that sitting at home worrying about giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not fun. Joey: Hey, y’know what? Rachel: Huh? Joey: Why don’t I take you out? Rachel: What?! Joey, you don’t want to go on a date with a pregnant lady. Joey: Yes I do! And we’re gonna go out, we’re gonna have a good time, and take your mind off of childbirth and c-sections and-and giant baby heads stretching out… Rachel: (interrupting) Okay! I’ll go with ya! I’ll go! I’ll go with ya. Joey: I’ll be fun. Rachel: All right? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is watching Phoebe play Ms. Pac-Man.] Phoebe: No. No! Yes! Ahh. Oh, would you look at that Monica? I just knocked off all of your top scores, how sad. Monica: Okay, I’m next. (Phoebe starts another game.) Don’t! Don’t start another game! I said I’m next! Phoebe! Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you over all the winning. Monica: Chandler! Phoebe’s hogging the game! Chandler: Who cares? It’s a stupid game. Monica: You only think it’s stupid because you suck at it. Chandler: I don’t suck. It’s sucks. You suck. Phoebe: Wait okay, if this game is gonna cause problems between the two of you, then maybe I should just keep it. Monica: No! No-no! I love it! It is a great present! In fact, why don’t you go home and wait for the thank you card? Chandler: Why do you want to play this game so bad? Phoebe: Yeah! It’s not like it spits out a Clark bar after every game. Monica: Okay. Phoebe that’s it. Come on, get out—out of the chair. Get out! (She goes to move Phoebe, but Phoebe goes limp and Monica can’t move her.) Oh come…Phoebe! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date with Joey as there is a knock on the door.] Rachel: Joey? Could you get that? (There is no answer and she goes and opens the door to Joey.) What are you doing here? I thought you were in your room? Joey: No, I’m picking you up for our date. These are for you. (Hands her some flowers.) Rachel: Ohh, Lilies. Joey, they’re my favorite. Thank you. Joey: And, a brownie! (Hands her a bag with the brownie in it.) Well, half a brownie. Actually, it’s just bag. It’s been a long walk from the flower shop and I was startin’ to feel faint so… Rachel: Oh man! This is so great! I actually feel like I’m going on a real date! Although, I have a hint of morning sickness, and I’m wearing underwear that goes up to about…(She snaps the waistband on her underwear that is just slightly below her breasts)…there. Joey: Hey come on now, this is a real date. Uh, so…nice place you got here. Foosball, huh? Pizza box. Oh, a subscription to Playboy, my kind of woman. Rachel: Yeah, actually that’s my roommate’s. Joey: I would like to meet him. He sounds like a stand up guy. Rachel: Ah yes, but he’s very protective of me so you’d better watch yourself. Joey: Ah… Hey, so this roommate of yours…is he good looking? Rachel: Hm-mmm. Joey: Oh yeah, it must be tough to keep your hands of him, huh? Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, but I’m pretty sure he’s gay. Joey: No-no-no-no, he’s not! No! Why are you trying to ruin the game? Come on! [Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is teaching a class.] Ross: …which brings us back, of course, to Greely’s theory of dominance. (The bell rings.) Okay, that-that’s all for today. Oh, uh does anyone know where the Freeman building is? Student: Yeah, it’s the new building on Avenue A. Ross: What?! That-that’s all the way cross town, I’m supposed to teach a graduate seminar there in ten minutes. Student: Ooh, dude. That’s not gonna happen. (Ross grabs his things and runs to the door only to be blocked by his exiting students.) Ross: Move it! Move it! Move it!! Hey!!! I’m the teacher!! [Scene: The Freeman Building, Ross is entering his new class completely out of breath.] Ross: Hello. (He throws his jacket towards the coat rack and misses.) I’m sorry I’m a little late. Ah—(Checks his watch)—Whoa! A lot late. Let me start by uh, by introducing myself, I am Professor Geller. (The bell rings.) So to sum up, I’m Professor Geller. Good job today. [Scene: A Restaurant, a waitress is taking Joey and Rachel’s dinner order.] Rachel: Now the filet mignon, what comes with that? Waitress: There’s a side of steamed vegetables. Rachel: Emmm. Now, instead of the vegetables, is there anyway I can substitute the three-pound lobster? Joey: Y’know what? Bring her both, and I’ll have the same. (The waitress leaves.) Rachel: Wow! This is shaping up to be a pretty good date—Oh, I almost forgot. I didn’t pay you the rent check. Joey: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff. Okay? We’re on a date. Rachel: Okay. Wow! So I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So do you have any moves? Joey: No! No. Umm, just myself and if they don’t like me for—(Laughs.) I’m sorry I couldn’t even get through that. Rachel: I knew it! I knew it. Come on tell me your moves. Joey: Oh alright. Umm, well, okay, I usually start by having a bottle of wine sent to my table from a fan. Rachel: Oh my God. And that works?! Joey: Well it does when you combine it with, "This is so embarrassing, I just want to have a normal life!" Rachel: Oh, you poor little famous man. Joey: Oh okay, how about this one. I was gonna wait until the end of the night to kiss you, but you’re so beautiful…I don’t think I can. Rachel: (looks interested) Oh my God! Wow! That was fantastic, I almost leaned in. I really almost did! Joey: Alright, so…so tell me one of your moves. Rachel: Alright. So where’d you grow up? Joey: That’s your move? Boy Rach, you’re lucky you’re hot. Rachel: Come on, just answer the question! Joey: (exasperated) Queens. Rachel: And so were-were you close to your parents? Joey: Yeah, with my mom. Yeah, not so much with my dad. Rachel: Why not? Joey: I don’t know. I guess there’s just always been this distance y’know—I mean we both try to pretend it’s not there, but it is. Rachel: (sympathetic) Oh. (Starts rubbing his wrist with her fingers.) It’s gotta be rough. Joey: Yeah, it is. It’s really tough. Y’know sometimes I think—Wow!! Nice move! Rachel: Huh? Joey: "Where’d you grow up," it’s so simple! Rachel: Thank you! And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the rest room. Joey: Yeah. (Rachel gets up and heads for the rest room.) Rachel: And now you’re watching me walk away. Joey: Yes I am! Again so simple! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering to find Chandler playing Ms. Pac-Man.] Monica: Hey. Chandler: You are not going to believe what I did today! Monica: Well it clearly wasn’t showering or shaving. Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule at it! They should change the name of it to Ms. Chandler. (Pause) Although I-I hope they don’t. Monica: Wait a minute, you stayed home all day and played Ms. Pac-Man while I went off to work like some kind of chump?! Chandler: Uh-huh, and I got all the top ten scores, I erased Phoebe off the board! High five! (Holds up his hand to give Monica a high five, only he can’t straighten his fingers.) Monica: What is the matter with your hand? Chandler: Well I’ve been playing it for like eight hours, it’ll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, they’re dirty words. Monica: Chandler, why would you do that? Chandler: Because it’s awesome. Monica: You think this is clever? Chandler: Well y’know, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S it is a bit of a challenge. Monica: Hey wait a minute, this one isn’t dirty. Chandler: It is when you put it together with that one. Monica: Ah, well if you don’t clear this off, you won’t be getting one of those from me. But Ben’s coming over here tomorrow to play this game, this can’t be there. Chandler: Come on, he won’t even know what they mean. Monica: Chandler! He’s seven; he’s not stupid. Chandler: Have you talked to him lately? Monica: All right, look I’m just gonna unplug it. Chandler: No-no-no, if you unplug it, I’ll have nothing to show for my day! It would be like I was at work. (She unplugs it.) No! (And plugs it back in.) Hey look at that! Look at that, it’s still there! This thing must have some kind of primitive ROM (Read Only Memory, it’s a memory chip.) Chip in it or something! Monica: Honey you-you got to bat your scores! Chandler: With the claw?! Monica: All right fine. Fine, I’ll do it. I’ve just got to get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him pull my finger. Chandler: (smiles) Pull my finger—(Looks at his hand)—My hand is messed up. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are returning from their date.] Rachel: I am not gonna answer that! Joey: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if you had to, if you had to, who would you punch? Rachel: No one! They are my friends, I wouldn’t punch any of them. Joey: Chandler? Rachel: Yeah, but I don’t know why. Look at me, I’m having such a wonderful time! Joey: Me too! Hey Rach, can I just say I think this is the best date I ever had! Rachel: I know! Joey: I never laughed so hard—Did you see the wine come out of my nose? Rachel: Joey, I think everyone saw the wine come out of your nose. Joey: I gotta say, I never knew I could enjoy the non-sex part of the date so much. Rachel: Well that is because you have never been on a date with me before. Joey: Huh. Huh. Rachel: All right, now don’t judge me. I normally wait until my date leaves, but you live here. I’m ripping into this swan. Joey: Ah! Okay, well then you don’t judge me. I’m gonna suck on the cellophane from the brownie I had before. (They both do as they planned.) Rachel: So tell me, what are Joey Tribbiani’s end of the night moves? Joey: Ah, well, if I want the girl to kiss me, first thing I do is make my lips look irresistible. Rachel: How do you do that? Joey: Now you can’t tell anyone, but uh…I put on shiny lip balm. Rachel: Oh my God! Joey: Yeah, like a moth to a flame, I’m telling ya. Okay all right, so now you go. Rachel: No, I don’t want to tell you. Joey: Why not? Rachel: Because it’s embarrassing. Joey: More embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm?! (Rachel just looks at him.) I didn’t say raspberry before did I? All right just-just tell me Rach, just tell me! Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, stand up. (They do so.) Well, when we’re at the door, I lightly press my lips against his, and then move into his body just for a second, and then I make this sound, "Hmmm." Okay, I know it doesn’t sound like anything, but I swear it works. Joey: (stunned and turned on) Yeah. Why—Yeah, that would work for ya… Rachel: All right, I gotta go to bed. Honey, I had such a wonderful time. Joey: Oh. (She kisses him.) Yeah. (She goes into her room.) Me to. (He then starts to freak out.) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Rachel about his class location predicament.] Rachel: …you were 50 minutes late to the class, what did you crawl there?! Ross: No, I ran. It was really far, and when did people stop understanding the phrase, "Get the hell out of my way!" Rachel: Well, why didn’t you just take a cab? Ross: Ugh, between the traffic that time of day and all the one-way streets it’ll take me twice as long. Besides, I teach the class three times a week, who am I? Rockefeller? Rachel: Well you’re not gonna be able to keep doing this. Ross: Well I have to. Okay? If I don’t, they’ll take the class away from me. And…I already put it in my family newsletter. Rachel: You what? Ross: You’ve seen it, the Geller Yeller. Rachel: Right. Wow! Ross: Besides, I-I think I figured out a much faster route, I’m sure I can make it this time. I just…I just can’t be afraid to get a little bit…ht by cars. (He goes to the bathroom as Joey enters.) Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Hey, remember how last night we were talking about that movie Cujo? Joey: Oh yeah, I still can’t believe you haven’t seen Cujo. What is wrong with you? Rachel: Relax! It’s not like it’s Citizen Kane! Joey: Have you ever tried to sit through Citizen Kane? Rachel: Yeah I know it’s really boring, but it’s like a big deal. Anyway, I was thinking about renting Cujo sometime. Joey: Oh yeah? All right, let’s do it tonight. Rachel: Well don’t you have that big date tonight? Joey: Oh right! Rachel: Hey Joey, can I ask you something? Joey: Yeah. Rachel: After our date last night, did you feel a little weird? Joey: Oh my God! You did too? It totally freaked me out, what was that?! Rachel: I don’t know! (Pause) I’m-I’m kinda thinking it-it was the lobster… Joey: Oh yeah-yeah, the lobster. Rachel: Yeah, I mean I was up sick all night. Joey: Yeah me too, all night. Rachel: Really?! How come we didn’t cross paths? Joey: Yeah well that’s because uh…I stayed in my room. Yeah, you don’t want to look in my hamper. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying to erase Chandler’s dirty words while he looks on.] Monica: Okay, I got that. I’ll escape over there. I’ll come back over here. All right, come on Ms. Pac-Man. It’s got—Right—(She dies.) Well, you’re just a little bitch, aren’t you? Phoebe: (entering) Hey, you guys. Listen, I’m sorry that I was hogging the game before—(Sees the top ten list)—Oh my God! Your friends have some unfortunate initials! Monica: They’re all Chandler. Phoebe: Chandler sucks! He couldn’t have gotten this good! Chandler: I did. (Looks at his still deformed hand) But it came at a price. Monica: But Ben is coming over tonight and he can’t see this. Chandler: Oh come on, by age seven kids have already seen orgies. (They both look at him.) Was it just me?! [Scene: N.Y.U, Ross’s new class, he is entering out of breath.] Ross: Yeah!!!! Yes, I made it! I’m on time! (Grabs a bottle of water from a student, takes a drink, and splashes some on his face like the marathon runners do.) Okay, why don’t we all uh, (Exhales loudly) open our books to page 23. Where… (Exhales again) Where you will see…a uh…a bunch of uh…red spots. Okay, (Closes his book.) umm, why don’t, why don’t you all start to read, while I—(Passes out and collapses.) [Scene: A Restaurant, Joey is on his hot date and they’re not speaking right now.] Joey's Date: Hey. Are you all right? You seem a little distracted. Joey: No-no! I’m fine. It’s just… Hey, can I ask you something? Have you ever looked at someone that you’ve known for a while and then suddenly…suddenly see them a different way? Joey's Date: You mean like from behind? Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that…that’s exactly it. You’re right. Yeah. Joey's Date: Ew, y’know what? One time I saw this guy from behind and he seemed like a totally normal guy and then he turned around and it was Stephan Baldwin! Joey: (deadpan) Ooh! Yeah. So yeah, so you know exactly what I’m talking about. Joey's Date: Totally! Wow! (Pause) Would you excuse me for a sec? Joey: Oh yeah, sure. (She gets up, walks towards the bathroom, and Joey watches her go.) Ehhh. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, now it’s Phoebe’s turn to erase Chandler from the board.] Monica: Oh my God Phoebe, you’re on f*re! Phoebe: I know! Chandler: One more score to go! You can do it! (Touches her shoulder.) Phoebe: Don’t touch me!! Monica: Don’t touch her!! Chandler: All right! Go left! Go left! Go right!! Go right!! Phoebe: I can’t!! I can’t!! (She dies.) Noooooooo!!!!!!! You son of a bitch!!!!! (At this point a stream of obscenities burst forth from Phoebe’s mouth just in time for Ben and Ross to enter and hear most of it, and in slow motion Ross tries to shield his innocent son from Phoebe’s vulgarity.) Ross: Phoebe!! Phoebe: Oh hi Ben—No!! Don’t look at the machine! (Covers the screen.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is watching Cujo while Joey returns from his date scaring Rachel.] Rachel: Oh God! Thank God you’re home! I’m watching Cujo. Joey: (incredulous) Alone?! Rachel: Yes! But what is wrong with this dog?! Joey: Hey, did you get to the part where they’re trapped in the car and Cujo’s throwin’ himself at the windshield? Rachel: No! No! Seriously, what’s wrong with the dog?! Wait a minute, what are you doing home so early? What happened to your date? Joey: Oh uh, it didn’t work out. Rachel: Oh. Do you want to watch the rest of the movie with me? Joey: Oh uh, okay. Yeah. Rachel: Y’know, I never thought I’d say this about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies. (Joey brings over a stool at sits on it next to Rachel who’s in the big chair.) What are you doing over there? Come sit here, you protect me. Joey: Oh sure, yeah, why not? (Sits on the arm of the chair.) Rachel: Okay. (Pushes play.) Okay, that’s him! That’s him! That’s Cujo! That’s Cujo! Joey: All right, I know! I know. Yeah, it’ll be okay. Rachel: Oh my God….What’s he gonna do now? I can’t watch! (Drags Joey closer to her and cowers into his chest.) Oh. Seriously, how can you watch this? Aren’t you scared? Joey: Terrified. (But for a totally different reason.) Closing Credits [Scene: N.Y.U, Ross’s new class, this time he’s actually about to do a lecture.] Ross: So is everybody here? I got here a little early myself. Let us begin. Now, the hydrosaurids have been unearthed in two main locations. (He moves to the map and we see why he made it to class on time, he’s wearing in-line skates and hasn’t taken them off.) Here. (Points to the map, somewhere in the Middle East, then spins on the skates and points to the map.) Here. (China.) Now as for the hydrosaurs… (He tries to move in front of the class, only goes out of control and rolls into the hall, catching himself on the doorway with his pointer. He then pulls himself back into the room with the pointer, only he jams one end of it between the door frame and the door and breaks the pointer in half.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x12 - The One Where Joey Dates Rachel"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Vanessa McCarthy Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help From: Dan Gottleib [Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is at the counter eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes.] Joey: (thinking) All right. It’s a new day. All that stuff about Rachel, you don’t feel that now. It was crazy! You’re fine. You’re better than fine! You are, as your friend Tony would say, Grrrreat! Everything’s normal! She’s just your friend Rachel! Your friend Rachel. Your friend! Rachel. Rachel: (coming from her room) Hi, sweetie. Joey: (thinking) Hey, it’s your girlfriend, Rachel! Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler is sitting on the couch watching TV as Monica comes out of the bathroom.] Monica: (airily) Hi. Chandler: Are you, are you high? Monica: I just had the most amazing bath. Chandler: Really? I don’t like baths. Monica: Wait, you like them with me. Chandler: Honey, it’s not the bath I enjoy, it’s the wet, naked lady. Monica: Oh, baths are so relaxing! Chandler: Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth. Monica: How dirty do you think I am? I’m telling you, if you had some candles and some bubbles and some music, you would love it! It would take all of your stress away. Chandler: Honey, it’s 2:00 on a Wednesday and I’m watching Road Rules, how stressed do you think I am? Joey: (entering) Hey, Chandler, you got a minute? I-I really need to talk to you. Chandler: Oh! Uh, yeah! Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk? Joey: Well, neither. Chandler: Oh my God, what’s up?! Joey: I don’t know. It’s-it’s just…lately, I’ve been feeling… Okay, here’s what it is… (Pause) You know what? I feel a lot better, thanks! (Starts to leave) Chandler: Oh no-no, no you don’t, just come back. Joey: All right. Okay. You and Monica, friends for a long time, and sure there are rules, but then you went to London. Oh, no, but that’s different. I mean, there are rules there, too! You know what I mean? Chandler: Do you? Joey: It was different for you guys! I mean, I mean, you were both in the same place, right? Chandler: In London? Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Yes. When Monica and I were in London, we were both in London. Joey: You know what? This is a bad idea. Forget it. Forget it, and listen, do me a favor, this conversation was between you and me. Chandler: If that. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross sits down.] Rachel: Hi! Oh, Ross, don’t forget, we have that doctor’s appointment tomorrow! Ross: Right. Phoebe: Hey, are you going to find out the sex of the baby? Ross: No-no, we talked about it. We don’t want to know. All we care about is that it’s happy and healthy. Rachel: Yep! Happy and healthy! And cute! Ross: And smart! Rachel: Popular. Ross: With an aptitude for science. Phoebe: Are you two talking about the same baby? Hey! Have you started off thinking of names yet? Rachel: Oh yeah! I’ve come up with a bunch of ideas! Ross: Really? Me too! Phoebe: Me too! Rachel: Really?! Phoebe: Uh huh! If it’s a girl, Phoebe, and if it’s a boy, Phoebo! Ross: Maybe. But it wouldn’t hurt to have a backup, you know? Uh, Rach-Rach, what were you thinking? (Gives her a look) Rachel: Okay! I was thinking if it’s a girl, how about Sandrine? It’s French. Ross: Huh. That’s a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent. Rachel: Okay fine, what do you have? Ross: Well, OK, it’s for a boy. Well, I know it’s a little out there, but…Darwin. Rachel: Wow, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard. Phoebe: Yeah, by Sandrine. Ross: You’re just saying that 'cause I said no to your name! Rachel: I’m really, really not. Phoebe: How-how about you each get five vetoes? Ross: All right. Rachel: All right. Ross: That sounds fair. Rachel: Yeah! I don’t think you’re going to need it though. Okay, check this out. If it’s a girl, Rain. Ross: Veto. Rachel: Why? Ross: Rain? Hi. Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln, and my dress is made out of wheat. Phoebe: I know her! I bought homemade soap from her at a dad show! Ross: Okay, how about, for a guy, Thatcher? Rachel: Ross, why do you hate our child? Ross: Fine, you go. Rachel: Okay, James. Ross: Huh. Rachel: But only if it’s a girl. Ross: Oh, veto. How about—Ooh, I like Ruth! What about Ruth? Rachel: Oh! I’m sorry! Are we having an 89-year-old? How about Dayton? Ross: Veto. Stewart? Rachel: Veto. Sawyer? Ross: Veto. Helen? Rachel: Veto. Phoebe: Is it me, or is veto starting to sound really good? [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica comes from the bathroom as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey. Monica: Boy, do I have a surprise for you! Chandler: Sex on the balcony? Monica: No, but someone’s really not going to get over that idea, are they? Chandler: What is it? Monica: I drew you a bath! Chandler: Honey, I don’t like baths! Could you draw me a picture of us having sex on the balcony? Monica: Please, could you just try it for me? Come on, I used all my best stuff! I-I-I lit some candles. I put on some music. I used bath salts, plus bubble bath! And got you this little plastic Navy ship. So it’s a boy bath! Chandler: Well, this does butch it up a bit. Monica: I swear, if you try it, you will love it! Chandler: All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony? Monica: Absolutely. (Chandler runs into the bathroom) Monica: Bet I know how that discussion’s going to go. [Cut to Chandler laying in the bathtub. "Only Time," is playing in the background.] Chandler: (thinking) All right, this isn’t so bad. I like the flower smell! Which is okay, because I’ve got my boat. Monica: (entering) So? Chandler: Oh my God. Monica: I told you you were a bath person! Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial! Chandler: I’m going to need a bigger boat. [Scene: The Doctor’s Office, the doctor is writing something as Rachel is on the table, and Ross is standing.] Ross: I don’t think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. I mean, come on, little Ruthie Geller, how-how cute is that? Rachel: Oh, oh my God! I can practically hear the mahjong tiles! Dr. Long: Okay! All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested in knowing the sex of the baby? Ross: Uh, no. No, we’re not. Rachel: But you have it right there in that file? You could tell us whether it’s a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo? Dr. Long: That’s right. But if you don’t want to know… Ross: No, no, we want to wait, right? Rachel: Right. Right. Dr. Long: (looks at her beeping pager) Oh, I’ll be right back. And, uh, I know it’s really not my place, but please don’t name your child Phoebo. Rachel: (looking at the bulletin board with baby pictures) So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest? Ross: What? Rach! Come on, that’s terrible! They’re…uh…they’re babies. They’re-they’re all beautiful. Rachel: Third one from the left? Ross: Yeah, why is it staring at me? I think it knows I’m talking about it. (Rachel starts to peek at the file) Don’t-don’t you—Wh—Wha—Hey!! Rachel: What?! Ross: You’re looking! Rachel: I didn’t! Ross: I saw you! Rachel: Okay fine, I did. But I didn’t see anything, I swear. Ross: Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you! Rachel: Okay, but Ross just listen to me… Ross: No, no, no, no! Don’t tell me! I don’t want to know! Rachel: But I couldn’t even if I wanted to, because I don’t know! I swear; I didn’t see anything, and I don’t want to know! It was just a momentary lapse. Ross: Momentary lapse. Don’t-don’t you have any self-control? Rachel: (holding stomach) Okay, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross. [Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, Monica is entering.] Monica: Hello? Chandler: I’m in the bathroom, can you come in here? I think there’s something wrong. Monica: You know what? I-I think I’ll wait out here. Chandler: I’m in the bathtub. Monica: Oh. (She goes into the bathroom.) What’s wrong? Chandler: I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong! The water’s tepid. The salt didn’t dissolve and is now… lodged places. And the scents I used don’t compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile—Oh! Monica: What? Chandler: The bath salts! They’re starting to effervesce! It’s different. (Pause) It’s interesting. Monica: Okay, let’s talk about something else. Chandler: Yeah! Sure, sure. So, what was going on with you today? Oh-oh-oh! Monica: Well, I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey. He was talking about rules and right and wrong and… Chandler: I had the exact same conversation. Monica: You did? What was he talking about? Chandler: I don’t know! Joey hasn’t had this much trouble getting out words since we saw him in Macbeth! Monica: (groans) That was a long night. Chandler: All right, let’s break this down. What exactly did he say to you? Monica: Okay, he was talking about rules. Chandler: Uh-huh. Monica: Umm, and looking at people differently. Chandler: He didn’t say anything about that to me. Monica: What did he tell you? Chandler: He was asking all these questions about you, me, and London. And, of course the glue that holds this all together, the rules. Monica: Okay. So you, me and London. Looking at people differently. Maybe he wants to do what you and I did in London with someone. Chandler: But what did he mean by rules? Monica: Wait a minute! He stopped talking the minute Phoebe came in! Chandler: Because he was looking at her differently. Monica: And Phoebe is his friend, so he thinks that would be breaking the rules! Chandler: My God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London! Phoebe: (from outside the bathroom) You guys? Monica: Just a minute! (To Chandler) That’s Mrs. Tribbiani! Chandler: You don’t say anything. Monica: Why would I say anything? That two of our best friends could start the greatest love affair of their lives! And they would have me to thank, and we could all start having babies? Chandler: I’m not going to let you say anything. Monica: You just stay here! (Dumps a jar of bath salts in the bathtub) Chandler: Oh, God! (Monica runs out to Phoebe, who is in the kitchen) Phoebe: Oh, hey, Monica, I brought back your iron. Monica: Oh, you had that? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Monica: I thought I lost it. I got a new one, like, a month ago. Phoebe: Oh, just as well, I broke this one. (Monica starts smiling) Phoebe: What? Monica: Nothing. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: I mean, I-I, I really shouldn’t say. I mean, I’m really not supposed to. Phoebe: Fine. Monica: It’s a humdinger! Phoebe: Then it’s really too bad that you can’t tell me. Monica: Somebody likes you! Phoebe: (Groans) Is it Chandler? Monica: No! Phoebe: Well, then tell him to stop staring! Monica: It’s Joey! Phoebe: Really?! Joey?! You don’t say. Monica: Is it something you’d be interested in? Phoebe: I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. You know, I mean, on the one hand, Mother may I? But y’know on the other hand… No. No, I can’t. We’re friends. No, oh, no. I don’t want to risk what we have. Monica: I guess that makes sense. So, you think you’re going to talk to him? Phoebe: Sure, yeah. I mean, it’s Joey. I don’t want him to get hurt. Well, I must say, I am on fre! First Chandler, now Joey! Monica: Not Chandler, just Joey. Phoebe: Sure. Commercial Break [Scene: Central perk, Ross is sitting on the chair as Rachel walks in.] Rachel: Hey. Ross: Hey. Rachel: You know what? I’ve been thinking about it. I’m really coming around on the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that. Ross: Rach, I-I can’t tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh… Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change your mind? Unless, you know we’re never going to have to use it. You did see the folder. You know it’s a boy! Rachel: I didn’t see anything! I actually changed my mind about the name. Ross: I don’t think so! You’re just giving me Ruth so you’ll get to name it when it’s a boy, and that’s when you’ll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia. Rachel: I would—Sequoia? Ross: Veto. Rachel: Fine. Ross: Unless… (Rachel groans.) You anticipated that I would figure all this out and you know that it actually is a girl, and you really do want her to be named Ruth! Well, I’m not falling for that! Okay? Ruth is off the table! Rachel: But Ross, you want the name Ruth! Ross: Not like this! [Scene: Rachel and Joey’s, Joey is sitting on his recliner as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Hey. Well, what’s up? Phoebe: Umm, Joey, I know. Joey: What? Phoebe: I knooow. Joey: Whaaat? Phoebe: I know about your feelings. Joey: Oh my God. You do? Phoebe: Yes, and I’m sorry. I-I know things worked out for Chandler and Monica, but that’s very rare. Joey: I know. I know. And this is so much more complicated than it was for those guys. I mean, it’s Rachel for God sakes. Phoebe: For God sakes, it’s Rachel! Joey: I know. I know. And she’s not only my friend; she’s my pregnant friend! She’s my pregnant friend who’s Ross’ ex! Phoebe: Yeah that’s Rachel. (To herself) b*at me over the head with it. Joey: What am I going to do? You know, and I keep, I keep trying to get rid of these feelings, y’know? I stayed up all last night and made a list of everything I don’t like about her. You want to hear it? Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: She made me switch to light Mayo. That’s it! That’s all I got! And, you know what? It tastes the same and my pants fit better! Phoebe: Joey, I just think you’re getting worked up over nothing. This is probably just a crush. Joey: You think? Phoebe: Absolutely! Y’know, you get this rush of feelings, but then it goes away. Joey: Yeah, just a crush! That’s all this is! It’s a crush! I’m Joey; I don’t get deep feelings. Phoebe: That’s right, there you go! Crushes happen all the time! I know I’ve had them for all you guys. Well, except for Ross and Chandler. And I’m sure you’ve had them for us. Joey: Not really. Phoebe: Mm-hmm. (To herself) Throw me a bone here. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.] Ross: So, I uh… I called the doctor and now we both know the sex of the baby. Rachel: What? Ross: That’s right. The student has become the master. Rachel: Ross, I swear, I don’t know. Ross: Oh, come on, you know it’s a girl! Rachel: A what?! Ross: You really didn’t know? Rachel: We’re having a girl? Ross: No. Rachel: That’s what you just said! Ross: No. Rachel: You said girl! Ross: Yes. I’m… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Rachel: I’m not! We’re having a girl! Sometimes I can’t believe it’s with you—But still! We’re having a girl! Ross: I know! I know. You know what? I’m putting Ruth back on the table! Rachel: Oh, yes! We’ll have ourselves a little baby Ruth… Ross: Permission to veto. Rachel: Yes, please. [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler enters as Monica comes from the bathroom.] Monica: Hey. Chandler: Do I smell essential oils? Monica: Yeah, I’m going to take a bath. I’m just going to get a magazine. Chandler: Okay. (As soon as Monica leaves the room, Chandler takes off his jacket and runs to the bathroom. Monica enters the bathroom to find Chandler in the bathtub.) Monica: What do you think you’re doing? Chandler: L-leaving my troubles behind? Monica: I know that you’re new at this, but this is completely unacceptable bath decorum. Chandler: Oh, it’s so hard to care when you’re this relaxed. Monica: Fine, you can have the bath, but I am taking your boat. Now you’re just a girl in a tub! (Phoebe enters the bathroom) Chandler: (upset) Hey! Phoebe: Hi, Bubbles. Manly. Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you know how it went with Joey. Chandler: (To Monica) You told her?! Monica: She pulled it out of me! She’s like a conversational wizard! How’d it go? Phoebe: Well, you were wrong, he doesn’t like me! Monica: What? Phoebe: Yeah! How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Majors’ house and told you that he liked you, and you went down there and you found out that he didn’t like you? How would you feel? Monica: (Pause) I don’t think I’d care. Phoebe: Really? Lee Majors is hot! Joey: (from outside the bathroom) Hello? Phoebe: We’re in the bathroom! Joey: Why? Chandler: (sarcastically) Because it’s a relaxing and enjoyable time! Joey: (entering the bathroom) What are you guys doing in here? Monica: Oh my God! A friend he’s looking at differently, but it’s wrong. It’s Rachel! Chandler: You like Rachel?! Joey: It’s no big deal, okay? Phoebe and I talked about it. It’s just a crush! It’s going to go away! (Looks down) Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles! Oh! Phoebe: (checking for herself) (To Monica) Mazel tov. Rachel: (entering) Hey! Ross and I were looking for you! What are we all doing in here? (Looks at Chandler) Oh, my! (Covers the spot where Joey wants bubbles to be replaced.) Monica: Honey, cover it up with the boat! Ross: (from outside the bathroom) Hello? Chandler: (sarcastically) Yes we’re all in here and we would love for you to join us! Ross: (entering) Well hey! What’s going on? Ooh, cool boat—(Sees why the boat’s there)—Oh, no. (Averts his eyes by looking around the room) (To Rachel) Hey, did you, did you tell them? Rachel: No, I was waiting for you! Phoebe: Tell us what? Rachel: We’re having a girl. All: Oh, wow! Yay! Wow! Hooray! Oh, man! (They all hug and then turn and look at Chandler) Chandler: I’ll…I’ll get you later! [Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is sitting at the counter eating Cocoa Puffs.] Joey: (thinking) All right. It’s a new day, and it’s just a crush, that’s all! Just a little crush! All that worrying I was doing, that was crazy. Crazy! Like my friend here the bird would say, "it was cuckoo!" Everything’s going to be fine. It’s just a crush. Rachel: (entering) Hi, sweetie. Joey: (thinking) I love you. Closing Credits [Scene: Chandler and Monica’s bathroom. Both are sitting on opposite ends of the bathtub.] Monica: It sure is nice to do this together, isn’t it? Chandler: Yeah. And what you’re doing feels so good. Monica: I’m not touching you. Chandler: You’re not? Monica: It’s the salts. Chandler: Oh, sweet Lord. New realms of pleasure! Monica: (To herself) Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x13 - The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe walks up to and knocks on Chandler and Monica’s door.] Monica: (opens the door wearing a robe, but leaves the chain on) Hey, what’s up? Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again. Monica: Oh, okay. No problem. Phoebe: Okay. (Monica closes the door, gets the guitar, and then hands it out.) Monica: Okay. Phoebe: Oh. Monica: Here you go. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: Great! Umm…(Monica closes the door again and Phoebe knocks again.) Monica: What?! Phoebe: So do you want to hang out or something? Monica: Phoebe! You kinda caught me at a bad time. Phoebe: Oh are you and Chandler… Monica: Yes! Exactly. Phoebe: Okay. Do you guys want me to play for you? Monica: (laughs) No. (Closes the door as Chandler walks up.) Chandler: Hey Pheebs, what’s up? Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question Chandler Bing. (Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from another woman.) Phoebe: Oh my God! You’re getting a massage! You never let me massage you!! Monica: Phoebe, I can explain! Phoebe: You told me you hate massages! Chandler: Buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning…Don’t let Phoebe in. Phoebe: I can’t believe this! How long as this been going on? Monica: Well umm, Alexandra has been… Phoebe: Oh, it has a name? Monica: Phoebe, don’t get upset! Phoebe: Okay—Oop! Too late! I’m leaving! Come on Chandler let’s go! (She storms out.) Chandler: Well, Phoebe I thought I’d—(Off Phoebe’s look)—Yeah, what the hell. (Exits with Phoebe.) Opening Credits [Scene: Joey’s Bedroom, Joey is having a dream about Rachel giving birth with him as the father.] Joey: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more push! Come on honey, we’re almost there! We’re almost there! Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m so happy things worked out for us that we’re having this baby together. I love you so much. Joey: Oh, I love you too. Rachel: And I hope it’s not an inappropriate time to say this but, you’re the best sex I ever had. Joey: That’s always appropriate! (Back to the matter at hand) Oh, okay. One more push! One more push! (Finally, the baby is delivered and starts crying.) Doctor: Oh, here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations! (She hands the baby to Joey who pulls down the blanket to reveal Ross’s face where the baby’s should be.) Ross: (crying) I hope you’re a better father than you’re a friend!! (Cries again and Joey wakes up in horror.) Rachel: (bursts into the room) Joey! Joey! Joey: What? What’s going on? Rachel: Come feel this! Come feel my belly! Joey: Aaaah… Rachel: Joey! The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please come feel this?! Joey: Really?! Rachel: Yes! (Joey starts to get up but stops.) Joey: Oh, y’know what? Maybe uh, you…you should come to me. I’m a not, I’m not wearing any bottoms. Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes over to him and he feels her belly.) Joey: Oh my, oh my God! Rachel: Aw, it’s unbelievable! Wow! She is kicking so much! Oh, she’s like umm…oh…who’s that kind of annoying girl soccer player? Joey: Mia Hamm? Rachel: Mia Hamm! Joey: Oh that’s amazing. (Drops the sheet.) Rachel: (looking down) Oh-oh!! One hand on the sheet Joe! Joey: Whoa-hey-oh! Sorry! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has opened another wedding present as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey babe. Monica: Hi honey. We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing; they don’t like us do they? (They gave them a pok-a-dotted punch bowl.) Chandler: Who says you can’t get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back? Monica: No, it doesn’t say where it came from. Where would we return it? Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony? Monica: Why don’t we just find a place for it? Chandler: Okay. How about in that cabinet? Monica: No! That’s where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation? Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the bathroom.) Monica: Oh, okay. Here, why don’t you let me do it? Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.) It’s locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked? Monica: No reason. I-I keep private things in there. Chandler: Oh y’know, I’ve been living here a while and I’ve never seen what’s inside that closet. What is, what is in there? Monica: Feminine stuff. Chandler: Don’t try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff! Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me you-you’ll let it go. Chandler: Fine. Monica: Thank you! (He tries the door again and Monica glares at him.) Chandler: (walking casually away) Love you. Phoebe: (entering) Hello Chandler, lovely day huh? (To Monica) You! Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, "If it helps!" (Goes to the bedroom.) Phoebe: Why won’t you let me massage you? Monica: Well it’s…I mean I’d just—I’d be self-conscious. You’re my friend; I’d be naked. Phoebe: Monica! We lived together for years! I’ve seen you naked! Monica: That’s different, we were roommates! And when?! Phoebe: I’m curious about the human body. Monica: Hey, come on Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me. Phoebe: But I’m a professional! And I’m really good! Look, if you’re uncomfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, okay. Please? Monica: Okay, if it means that much to you… Phoebe: It does! How would you feel if you couldn’t share your cooking? Or-or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn’t teach us about dragons. Monica: Dinosaurs. Phoebe: Potato, potaato. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey Ross! The baby’s kicking! Ross: What?! It is?! (He tries to quickly remove his gloves, but runs into trouble and finally throws them off of his hands like a hockey player in a fight and grabs Rachel’s belly.) Rachel: It’s not kicking right now. Although we would love to see you do (Mimics him) that again. Ross: Hey, when-when was it kicking? What happened? Rachel: Last night! I just felt it and I went into Joey’s room and he was sleeping… Joey: A dreamless sleep. Ross: My God, the baby’s kicking. That’s great. Although I…kinda wish I-I would’ve been there to feel the kicking for the first time y’know. Joey: Well I got stuff going on in here (Rubbing his belly) if you wanna feel. Ross: Look, I-I don’t want to miss anymore baby stuff. So…Here. Here’s my new pager number, okay? Anytime anything pregnancy related happens use it! I’ll be there! Okay? I don’t care if it’s three in the morning and all you want is ice cream. Joey: Wow! Can I get a copy of that? [Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Monica is lying on the massage table waiting for Phoebe.] Phoebe: (calling from her room) Are you under the sheet? Monica: Yes. (Phoebe turns on some music and grabs some oil.) Phoebe: (in a soothing voice) Great, let’s begin. (She starts the massage.) How’s the pressure? Monica: Nice! Wow Phoebe you are good! Phoebe: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And it’s not weird is it. Monica: No. Ooohh… Phoebe: That’s right, you just enjoy. Monica: (in a sexy voice) Oh. Oh yeah! Ohhhhh! Ohh! Oh yeah! Phoebe: (getting uncomfortable) Okay. Monica: Oh God Phoebe!! (Phoebe covers one ear.) Oh that’s it! That’s it! Right there! Oh! (Tries to cover the other ear.) Ooooh-oooh-ooooh… (Covers both ears and continues the massage with her elbows.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has a box of keys and is trying them on the secret closet when someone enters.] Chandler: I wasn’t trying to open your closet! I wasn’t trying to open your closet! I swear! (Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.) Joey: Whoa, Monica runs a pretty tight ship over here. What are you doing? Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she won’t let me see what’s in it. Joey: Why not? Chandler: I don’t know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can’t see?! Joey: I don’t know. Ooh, I bet it’s Richard. Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here? Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe she’s having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too. Or! Chandler: And here we go… Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Y’know it wouldn’t kll ya to respect your wife’s privacy! (He walks away and into his apartment and looks the door.) Stupid closet full of bugs! Rachel: Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I don’t—Whoa!! (Winces in pain.) Joey: Oh hey whoa-whoa, don’t worry. Okay. When my sisters were pregnant they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing. Rachel: Really? Joey: Absolutely. But, we’re gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, okay? I’ll page Ross on the way. Come on. Rachel: Okay. Oh God—Ow!—Oo! Joey: Okay Rach-Rach-Rach look at me, look at me, everything’s gonna be fine, trust me. Okay. Take my hand. Here we go. (Rachel grabs his hand.) Oww crushing bones! [Scene: The Hospital, Joey is in the waiting room as Rachel comes back out with the doctor.] Joey: Hey! So? Dr. Long: She’s fine. She’s experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall. Rachel: Hmm, mild discomfort. So I take it you’ve had one of these Braxton thingies? Joey: So but everything is normal. Dr. Long: Absolutely. Joey: And-and there’s no danger to her and the baby? Dr. Long: No-no. Contractions can be unnerving if you don’t know what they are, but she’s fine. Rachel: Thank you doctor. (Dr. Long exits.) (To Joey) Oh thank you for being so nice and calm. Joey: Calm?! I wasn’t calm! I’ve never been more scared in all my life! Rachel: But wait you said everything was gonna be okay. Joey: Well what do I know?! I’m not a doctor! Rachel: But I—But everything is okay. I’m fine! Joey: You sure?! Rachel: Yes! Yes! I got half a mind to contract that doctor’s uterus though. Mild discomfort, what’s he talking about? Joey: (seeing Ross) Oh hey-hey! Ross: (rushes in) Is everything okay? Rachel: Yeah, everything’s fine! Ross: Your page said come to the hospital, what? What was it? What happened? Joey: Something called Braxton-Hicks contractions. Ross: Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women don’t even feel them. Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion. Joey: Hey uh, what’s with the candy? Ross: Oh when you beeped me I was on line at the concession stand at the movie theater. Rachel: Oh you went to the movies by yourself? Ross: No I—Mona! Rachel: Oh, I gotta go back in there. Ross: What? Why? What’s wrong? Rachel: No, everything’s fine. I just gotta go back… Ross: No really, you tell me what’s up. Rachel: I-I forgot my underwear. (Ross lets her go.) Ross: (To Joey) So, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital. Joey: Oh hey, don’t worry about it man. Don’t worry about it, no big deal. Ross: Yeah but still, I mean it should’ve been me. I’m the dad. Dr. Long: (To Joey) Uh, if you have any questions, here’s some information on Braxton-Hicks. (Hands Joey a pamphlet.) Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. You’re gonna make a wonderful father. Joey: Oh uh, hey. Not as good as this guy! (Grabs Ross around the shoulders.) He brought Twizlers! Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still working on the door.] Chandler: There has got to be a way! Joey: Easy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin? Chandler: Yeah. (Checks his hair.) Oh no wait, I’m not an nine-year-old girl. Joey: Then why do you throw like one? Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin. Joey: Sure. "Monica." Chandler: So, how’s the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming? Joey: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kll myself any day now. (Chandler returns with a bobby pin and hands it to Joey.) Wow, you sure found that quick. (He tries the pin in the lock.) I just—I wish I didn’t feel this way about Rachel anymore, y’know? I wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I love living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think…I think Ross feels left out. Y’know? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. God… You should’ve seen the look on Ross’s face. (Pause) By the way, I have no idea what I’m doing here. For all I know I’m just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card? Chandler: That’s a good idea. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Okay. (They switch places and Chandler gets out a credit card.) So uh, Ross is kinda bummed huh? Joey: Oh, I just…I feel terrible. Chandler: Well, it’s not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Y’know? You’re doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby. (He loses his card behind the door.) Richard? If-if you’re in there, could you pass me my credit card? [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Monica: I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. That massage felt so good! Phoebe: No-no, I got that. Monica: So umm, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment? Phoebe: Okay. Okay but you should know though, I’ve raised my rates to $200 an hour. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: I mean $500. Monica: What? Phoebe: 600. Monica: What’s going on? Phoebe: Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged! Monica: What? (Laughs.) Phoebe: Yeah, and it really freaked me out! And after a while I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on. Monica: What?! You’re crazy! There’s nothing sexual about the noises I make! Phoebe: Really? There’s nothing sexual about this? (Sexily) Oooh. Oo God! Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohh. (Some cute guy is watching closely.) (To him) What are you looking at?! (Pause) I mean hi. Monica: Oh my—This is so embarrassing. Oh my God, I’m never gonna get massaged again! Phoebe: No, you can’t let this stop you from getting massages! No look, I have, I have lots of clients that make the same noises you do! Monica: Really?! Phoebe: Well not clients, lovers. But let’s just y’know, try it again. Come back and-and we’ll work through it. Monica: Are you sure? Phoebe: Yes. Monica: I guess. Phoebe: Great! Okay, if you’ll just excuse me. (To the guy) So, did you hear something you liked? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing an aluminum can on her stomach as Ross enters.] Rachel: Hey Ross! Check it out! I learned a new trick! Ross: Hey uh, I brought you some lunch. Rachel: Ohh! That’s so sweet of you! Oh yum! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich and starts to get sick.) Did you put pickles on this? Ross: Well yeah! Rachel: Oh Ross!! (Runs to the bathroom and closes the door.) Ross: What?! What?! Rach what?! Joey: What’s going on? Ross: I made her favorite, tuna salad with pickles. Joey: Pickle? Pickles make her sick. Giving her pickles is like giving me salad. Ross: (to Rachel) I-I’m sorry Rach, I didn’t know. Are you gonna be okay? Rachel: Yeah, I’ll be fine. But could someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there? Joey: I’m on it! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich.) Ross: I can’t believe this! I shouldn’t be the one making her throw up! Joey: Dude relax! It could happen to anyone. Ross: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this stuff. I don’t know any of it and I’m the father. I wish I’d be more involved y’know. Rachel: (entering) Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna. Joey: Hey uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a second? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: What’s up? Joey: Uh, sit down. I wanna talk about our situation. Rachel: (Gasps) Are you breaking up with us? Joey: The thing is…’cause I live with Rachel I’m here for a lot of the stuff, okay? (To Rachel) And Ross…Ross is missing everything. So… Rachel: Yeah? Joey: Maybe you two should live together. Rachel: Are you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here? Joey: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that…if you’re gonna have a roommate, y’know it might as well be the father. Rachel: But Joey, I don’t think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I mean—(Ross turns to her with wishful eyes.)—Or he does. Ross: No I-I-I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just try it like on a temporary basis. Rachel: But Ross, its you and me! Ross: So? Sure! But it-it wouldn’t be anything romantic. And I’m-I’m dating Mona—Damnit Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago! What is wrong with me?! Joey: All right now, so? What do you think? Rachel: I don’t know. Is it crazy? Ross: No! No it’s not. Joey, this is a smart idea. Joey: Well, I was due. Rachel: Okay, let’s do it. I’ll move in. Ross: Really? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Oh Rach that’s great. That’s great. (They hug and Joey breathes a sigh of relief.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is pounding out the hinge pins on the closet door to get it open.] Chandler: Not to shabby, I got this all off myself…using my wife’s tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see what’s behind the green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God! Monica: (entering) (Gasps) How did you get in there?! Chandler: (laughs) You’re messy. Monica: Oh no! You weren’t supposed to see this! Chandler: I married Fred Sanford! Monica: No Chandler, you don’t understand! (Chandler starts singing the theme for Sanford and Son, an old TV show starring Redd Fox.) Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine! Now you know. Okay? I’m y’know…I’m sick. Chandler: No, honey you’re not sick! Look, I don’t love you because you’re organized, I love you in spite of that. Monica: Really? You promise you won’t tell anyone? Chandler: Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet. Monica: Well…it’s just umm…I’m afraid you might mess it up. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is drinking a gallon of orange juice as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey. Chandler: So Rachel’s all moved out huh? How are you taking it? Joey: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldn’t stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh, it’s a couple weeks past it’s expiration date, so it’s got a bit of a kick. Chandler: Are you okay? Joey: Are you kidding me? I’m great! Yeah, I’m uh; I’m better than great. I am good. And now that she’s gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldn’t do before. Y’know? Like umm, I can walk around naked again. Y’know? I can uh, I can watch p*rn in the living room. Right? This is uh, this is good for me. Y’know? I like being on my own, I’m uh, better off this way. I’m uh, a lone wolf. Y’know? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. What’s a wolf got to do to get a huh around here?! (Chandler rushes over and hugs him.) Closing Credits [Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Phoebe is giving Monica another massage.] Monica: Ohhh. Phoebe: That’s it. Just relax. Monica: Ohh. Oh! Ohh! Phoebe: Come on more! Monica: Oh God! Phoebe: Yeah, you like that don’t you? Monica: Oh yeah right there! Phoebe: You want it there? You take it there baby! Monica: Uh Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah, say my name. Say it! (She stops when she realizes what she’s doing.) And now I’m going to cover you back up, and umm we’re never doing this again. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x14 - The One With The Secret Closet"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Dana Klein Borkow Transcribed by: Dan Gottleib [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and sit down.] Phoebe: Oh! Hey, Rach! Rachel: Hi! Hey, Happy Valentine’s Day! Phoebe: Oh, you, too. Joey: Hey, so, uh, how’s it going living over at Ross’? Rachel: It’s good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. I’ll see you guys later. Phoebe: Okay. Joey: Bye. (Rachel exits with coffee) Joey: There’s one lucky to-go cup of coffee. Phoebe: (sighs) Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top? Joey: Thanks. But maybe later. Phoebe: Oh, gn, can I get a scone? gn: (to Joey) You want anything? Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I love on Valentine’s Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that’s never going to happen! gn: We have red bagels. Joey: Oh, okay. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room talking.] Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together? Ross: Oh, I’m actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she’s been away all week visiting her parents, but she’ll be cool. I mean, she’s been so supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, ‘Fossils are my friends.’ Phoebe: Ugh. Come on, Mona, don’t kiss ass. Ross: Uh, I’m going to take off. Phoebe: All right. Oh! sht! Oh sht! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape! Ross: What is it? Phoebe: It’s a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment? Ross: All right. (reading the label) ‘Candy and Cookie?’ Phoebe: Yeah. Candy’s the mother, Cookie’s the daughter. The father’s also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people? Monica: (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, c’mere. I want to show you something in the bathroom. Phoebe: Oh, Monica, grow up! Ross: Hey, what’s behind your back? Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe’s opinion on for Valentine’s Day. Ross: You don’t want my opinion? Monica: Not really. Ross: Come on, I’m your older brother, ask me! Monica: All right, big brother. (holds up two erm…revealing articles of clothing) Which of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter, so your best friend would want to do her? Ross: (quietly) The red one. [Scene: Joey and…wait…just Joey’s. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.] Phoebe: (knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I know you’ve been really depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate. Joey: No, I’m not sleeping with your friend Jane again. (Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!) Phoebe: He-hee! Joey: Hey! A dog! Hi! Who, you got to admit, looks a lot like Jane. Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up! Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we are! (the dog sticks his head between Joey’s legs) Oh! Not that kind of fun. [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses.] Chandler: Happy Valentine’s! Monica: (from her bedroom) Okay! I’ll be right out. I’m slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty. Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) ‘Candy and Cookie’. ‘Candy and Cookie?’ Monica got me prn?! Girl-on-girl prn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "prn") (A woman on TV breaths hard) Man on TV: Yeah, just relax. Chandler: I love you, St. Valentine. (The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandler’s eyes get huge!) Chandler: Woah, woah, that’s not pretty! Man on TV: Now, push! Woman on TV: Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts! Chandler: Worst prn ever! Worst prn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.) Woman on TV: Ohhh! Make it stop! Chandler: I am trying! [Scene: Joey’s. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.] Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesn’t, and the dog goes running off.) Well, you’re cute, but you’re not too smart! (The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.) Joey: (looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw this? Rachel: (entering) Hi. Joey: Hi. Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this? Joey: Oh, that’s, uh, that’s Phoebe’s friend’s dog. I don’t know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella. Rachel: (talking with a higher voice, and puckered lips…kind of like you do to a baby or...well…a puppy…it’s hard to explain. Just use your imagination!) Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I’ve got to go to work! I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do. (still talking like that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously can’t stop it. (exits) Joey: (to the dog) C’mere. Hey. C’mere. That’s Rachel. She’s the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with you—we love her. But we can’t have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? You’re a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be. [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.] Monica: (entering from her bedroom) So what do you think? (referring to her outfit) (Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge) Monica: (to herself) I’ve still got it! Chandler: (pointing at the video) Why did you get me this? Monica: What is it? Chandler: It’s yelling…bleeding…dilating. Oh, the dilating… Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe’s. Why were you even watching it? Chandler: I thought…maybe…you got me prn for Valentine’s Day. Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you prn for Valentine’s Day… (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, it’s about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those aren’t stars. Anyway, you want to take a look? Chandler: Well, I’m not really in a sexy mood right now. Monica: Honey, what’s going on? Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws? Monica: Mm-hmm. Chandler: How long it took to go back in the water? Monica: Chandler, we can’t let this tape wreck Valentine’s Day! Chandler: You don’t know. You didn’t see it. Monica: Child-birth, it’s a natural thing! It’s beautiful. Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like he’s going to throw up!) Monica: Oh! Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me! Chandler: See, honey, there’s—(puts his hand on her leg) Monica: Don’t touch me! [Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine as Mona enters.] Mona: Hi! Ross: Hey! (they hug) So, how was Atlantic City? Mona: Good. Ross: Yeah? Mona: I brought you back a present. Ross: Wha—? Oh, come on. You didn’t have to—saltwater taffy?! (Mona laughs) Thanks! This is interesting. You know, most people think this is made with sea water, but it’s actually made with, uh, salted fresh water. That’s not interesting. Mona: I think it’s interesting. Ross: I do too! I missed you! Mona: I missed you, too! So, how was your week? Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking! Mona: How exciting! Ross: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh… the only sad thing is I wasn’t around when it happened for the first time. Mona: Oh no. Ross: Yeah, I’m missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey suggested Rachel move in with me. Mona: (laughing) Yeah right! Ross: What? Mona: Joey cracks me up! It’s like, ‘Yeah, why don’t you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn’t be awkward at all!’ (she laughs again) Ross: (not amused) Huh…uh-huh. Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona laughs…yes…again!) (Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and he’s starting to panic, so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy he’s eating in his mouth) Mona: So, what’d you tell him? Ross: (with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns his head and starts to break down) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you? Ross: I don’t know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! Um, plus, she, uh, she got me taffy! Phoebe: Taffy, really? I’ve never had any. Ross: Ever?! Phoebe: Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her su1c1de to provide saltwater treats. (Ross hands her one) Thank you! So what, you’re just never going to tell her? Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, I’m going to take her to an amazing Valentine’s dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I’m the best boyfriend in the world, then I’m going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me. Phoebe: If I haven’t said it before: she’s a lucky, lucky lady! So, where are you going to—what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to the taffy, which she’s been chewing this whole time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food? What’s the deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, it’s nice! May I try a pink one? [Scene: Joey’s. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying on the footrest.] Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isn’t going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat. Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Hey, buddy. How’s my favorite dog, huh? How’s my favorite dog? (the dog doesn’t move) You’re subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer? Joey: No. Phoebe: Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment. Joey: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. (pause) Oh, me, right! (Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen) Phoebe: He’s miserable! What happened to him? Joey: Nothing. We just talked about stuff. Phoebe: What stuff? Joey: Rachel stuff. Phoebe: Oh…Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him! Joey: He’s breathing! Phoebe: Okay, I’m going to take him back to Wendy’s. Joey: No, no, no, no! He’s fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball) Here’s your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog! [Scene: Ross and…Rachel’s…I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters.] Ross: Well, I’m, uh, going to pick up Mona. What have you got going tonight? Rachel: Oh, I’ve got big Valentine’s plans! I’ve got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy! Ross: Y’know, it’s interesting! Most people think that’s made with seawater, when in fact— Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together. (There is a knock on the door.) Rachel: Ooh! My Chinese food! Let me get my cash! (runs to her room to get her money) Ross: (opening the door to see Mona standing there) Mona? What are—hi! What are you doing here? I’m, um, supposed to pick you up! Mona: Change of plans, I made you a special Valentine’s dinner! Surprise! Ross: (he makes some really weird noise hear that sounds kind of like…)Ayyyayyyy! Rachel: (entering) Oh, hey, Mona! Mona: Hi! Hi. Hi, Rachel! (to Ross) What’s she doing here? Ross: I have no idea! Rachel: I’ll be watching TV if anybody needs me. (exits to her room) Mona: Seriously, what is she doing? Ross: Uh…lately, she just likes hanging out here. Mona: Why? Ross: I think she’s lonely. Mona: Okay, but it’s Valentine’s Day! Ross: I know. Mona: Can’t we just ask her to go? Ross: No, no. She’s way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy. (Doorbell rings) Rachel: I’m not here! That’s just my Chinese food! Mona: Oh, my God! She has food delivered here? Ross: Mm-hmm. She’s—she’s emotional, but, but ballsy. Rachel: You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to get in my sweats, and eat this in bed! (exits) Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why don’t you, uh, open the champagne, and I’ll be right back. I’ve got a surprise for you. Mona: You got another ex-wife back there? Ross: (fakes a laugh) Please start drinking! (exits) Rachel: (entering) I’m just going to grab the phone. Mona: Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but, but, um… what are you doing? Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry! Do you need the phone? Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment, and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why don’t you go back to your place and give us some privacy? Rachel: (as Ross enters with a present) But, but, Mona, I live here. Ross: (handing Mona the present) Happy Valentine’s Day! …Or something to remember me by. [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen.] Monica: How long has it been this time? Chandler: 90 seconds. Monica: That’s better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about it…except all I did was think about it. Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up ‘til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shts off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver! Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why don’t we get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed? Chandler: I can do that. Monica: Okay. (Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion) Chandler: Okay. Now all we’ve got to do is get rid of this chair. (Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they can’t do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.) Monica: Oh, thank God! Chandler: Oh, I know! Monica: Come in! Rachel: (entering) Hi! I’m so sorry to barge in on your Valentine’s, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross. Monica: Oh, my God. Chandler: Poor Ross. (Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross’ apartment) Chandler: Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes! Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It’s here. Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don’t watch it. Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary? Chandler: Well, let’s just say it’s ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kll yourself. Rachel: Well, now, wait. Now I’m all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me. Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you! Rachel: C’mon, seriously, you guys, you’re not going to make me watch this alone! Monica: She’s right…of course not. Honey, get the tape. Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go. Rachel: Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the woman starts screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?! Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?! Monica: It’s…still beautiful. Rachel: Uh! It’s horrible! Monica: I know! I know, I’m so sorry for you! Rachel: Oh, my God! (Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes) Chandler: Wait, you guys, look! Rachel: What? Did her ass explode?! Chandler: No, the baby’s out! Look, look! Monica: Oh, look at those little fingers and toes! Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now! Monica: Oh…Rach! Rachel: Oh, screw you guys, you don’t have to do it! [Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from…God knows where! Some back area of Central Perk around the corner that we’ve never seen! Weeeiiirrrddd….] Ross: Hey, hey, man! Joey: Hey, what’s up? Ross: Uh…Mona just dumped me. Joey: Oh, man, I’m sorry. Why? Ross: Well, with everything that’s been going on lately, I haven’t exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didn’t tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know? Joey: Still, that really sucks, man. Especially on Valentine’s Day. Ross: Yeah. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Joey Tribbiani without a date on Valentine’s Day? What’s going on, huh? Girl trouble? Joey: Sort of. Ross: Really?! Joey: You don’t have to seem so happy about it. Ross: Oh, sorry. Well, look, maybe I can help you with it. Joey: Oh, I…I d— Ross: Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me. Y’know, actually once—once I got dumped during sex. (Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up in disgust, and Ross and Joey move away) Ross: Anyway, so, uh, so what is it? Joey: Forget about it. It’s no big deal. Ross: C’mon! Joey! What is it? Joey: It’s nothing. Ross: Hey, hey, it’s me. Why can’t you tell me? Joey: Okay, uh…sit down. (they do) Um… there’s this woman that I like. A lot. But, uh…it can’t happen. Ross: She’s not a Tribbiani? Joey: No! Ross: I knew it. So, is she someone from work? Joey: Yes. Ross: Well, uh, does she like you? Joey: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn’t matter, because I can’t do anything about it. Ross: Why not? Joey: Well, it’s complicated. She’s with this other guy. For a long time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because we’re really good friends. Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he still in love with her? Joey: No. I don’t think so. Ross: Okay. Um… is he a good guy? Joey: Yeah, he’s the best. Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it. Joey: Oh, I don’t know. Ross: Joey, it’s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her. Joey: I do! So much! I can’t stop thinking about her! I can’t sleep, I— Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself. g*n: (placing a cup in front of Ross) Here’s your warm milk. Ross: I’m going to…uh…I’m going to, um, put the bourbon in it at home. Joey: Oh, yeah. Ross: Anyway… seriously, uh…just…just talk to the guy, okay? And tell me how it goes. (walks towards the door until…) Joey: It’s Rachel. (Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a minute…Ahh! What’s going to happen next??!!! I can’t make it all the way through the Olympics!!!) Closing Credits [Scene: Ross and Rachel’s. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.] Rachel: (thinking) You’re going to have a baby, and you need to be prepared. Now, you’re going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR) Woman on TV: I came to the big city to become a star! I’ll do…anything to make that happen! Man on TV: Anything? (Music starts playing…yes…you know what kind of music…) Rachel: (thinking) Hmm…maybe it starts with how she gets pregnant. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x15 - The One With The Birthing Video"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Lisa Kudrow: (voiceover) Previously on Friends [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is talking to Ross] Joey: There’s this woman, that I like. A lot. Well, it’s complicated. She’s with this other guy. For a long time. And I could never do that to the guy, y’know? ’Ccause we’re really good friends. Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he a good guy? Joey: Yeah, he’s the best. Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it. Joey: Oh, I don’t know. Ross: Joey, it’s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her. Joey: I do! So much! I can’t stop thinking about her! I can’t sleep, I— Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself. (Walks towards the door until…) Joey: It’s Rachel. [Fade to Black, then fade in again with Ross stopped at the doorway.] Ross: (closes the door) Did you um—I’m sorry, did you just say it’s Rachel? Joey: Yes. Ross: Um, you…you like Rachel? Joey: Yes. I like Rachel. Ross: Rachel?! Joey: (startled) Yeah, okay but look, buy uh—Hey-hey, y’know, y’know who else I like? You! And it-it doesn’t get said enough. I like you Ross. Ross: But R-R-Rachel-Rachel?! Joey: Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. Ross: It’s not a big deal? Oh, I’m sorry I just…um, I…what about all the stuff you-you just said? I mean how about, I like—you-you can’t stop thinking about her. Like how you can’t sleep? Joey: I’m an actor, y’know? As-as a group, we tend to be over dramatic. Ross: Rachel who’s carrying my baby? Rachel? Joey: Look no, I-I know it’s bad, and I know it’s wrong. Okay? But-but it’s not like anything’s ever gonna happen. Y’know? These-these are just feelings, they’re gonna go away. Ross: Y’know what? I-I gotta go. (Starts to leave.) Joey: Oh come on Ross! Hey Ross-Ross don’t… Ross: (stops) I just—y’know—I-I just have one—Rachel?! (He exits and starts to walk away, passes a window, stops, and says "Rachel?!" again. Joey sighs and turns around to face gn.) gn: Rachel?!! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Chandler are on the couch.] Rachel: Oh-oh! Okay, she’s kicking! Chandler: Oh! (Puts his hand on her belly.) She’s growing inside you. Rachel: Whoa!! Chandler: Oh! (Pulls his hand away.) Rachel: Wow that was a big one. Chandler: I think that’s the youngest girl ever to reject me. Phoebe: (entering) Oh hey you guys! Chandler: Oh hey! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Hey listen let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates? Rachel: Oh yes I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And do you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That’s why I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He’ll find me. Phoebe: Uh-huh, (To Chandler) and you? Chandler: No. I mean I believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and I believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I don’t think they exist. Phoebe: Okay, good. Chandler: Why? Phoebe: Well last night, I met Monica’s. Chandler: What? Phoebe: Yeah, I had a date with this guy, and I swear to God, he is her other half. Chandler: Come on, don’t be crazy. (To Rachel) You don’t think there’s someone out there better suited for Monica than me, do ya? (Rachel looks at him.) Rachel: (To Phoebe) Well, what’s he like?! Phoebe: Well he’s tall. Rachel: Uh-huh. Phoebe: He has brown hair. Rachel: Of course, of course. Chandler: A tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe! Phoebe: He works with food! Rachel: Oh sure. Older? Phoebe: Obviously, and he’s British. Rachel: Oh, I was just gonna ask! Phoebe: Yeah? And, he’s-he’s so centered and mature and confident. Rachel: Oh, it’s so sad they never had a chance to meet. Chandler: Luckily, the guy she settled for can’t hear what you’re talking about. Phoebe: Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, and maybe I’m wrong! I but—y’know I’m gonna go out with him again, I’ll find out more. Chandler: You believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you’re still gonna date him? Phoebe: Well, he may not be my soul mate, but a girl’s gotta eat. [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is opening the door to Monica.] Monica: Hey. Ross: Hey. Monica: I just talked to Joey, I just—I want to see how you were. Ross: Oh y’know, I still—I can’t believe it. Joey and Rachel I mean it’s… It’s like you and me going out, only weirder! Monica: All right, I know you’re hurting, and-and I want to be supportive, but don’t say that again. Ross: Oh my God! What if, what if they get married? Then he’d be the stepfather of my child. Monica: Honey, I don’t think that’s something we need to worry about! First of all he’s-he’s never gonna tell her how he feels about her. And even if he did you have no idea how she’d react. Ross: Sure, because women never like Joey. Y’know, I think he’s a virgin. Monica: Joey…he’s not even thinking about going after Rachel! Ross: He’s not? Monica: No! All he’s thinking about is how you’re taking this! I mean, listen it’s totally freaking him out. He’s talking about moving to Vermont. Ross: Why? Monica: He says he wants to leave the country. (Pause) He thinks you hate him. Ross: Hate him? I… No, I don’t hate him. (Pause) It’s just it’s Rachel, y’know? Monica: Honey I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you. But, I don’t want you to lose Joey over it. And right now he just needs to know that you’re still his friend. Ross: Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to him. Monica: All right. Now do it soon, he just asked me how to convert his dollars into Vermont money. [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch as Phoebe enters with Monica’s soul mate.] Phoebe: Oh! Hi! Monica: Hi! Phoebe: Umm, Chandler, Monica, this is Don. Don: Oh, hello. (Shakes Chandler’s hand.) Hello. (Shakes Monica’s hand.) Phoebe: (mouths to Chandler) Soul mate. Chandler: (mouths to Phoebe) What? Phoebe: (cough talks) Soul mate. Monica: So, what have you guys been doing? Don: Well, we just had a terrible lunch today at Reattica. What is with all the sun-dried tomatoes at that place? Monica: I know! What is this, 1985?! Don: That’s exactly what I said. Phoebe, isn’t that strange. Monica: Not really. Chandler: What’s wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? (Everyone stares at him.) On a barbecue chicken pizza? (Still there’s staring.) No? Monica: So Don, what-what other restaurants do you like? Don: Well, Octavio, 27&7—Oh! And there’s this great little place, Alessandro’s. Monica: Oh my God! That’s my restaurant, I’m the chef there. Don: You’re kidding me! Monica: No! Don: Your food is fantastic! Wow, I really want to talk to you about your menu, once I get some coffees first. Um, anyone want any? Monica: Oh, I’d like a latte. Oh y’know what? If you’re gonna talk about me, I’m gonna go with you. (They go over to the counter and Chandler moves closer to Phoebe.) Chandler: What are you doing?! Phoebe: Nothing! I swear to God I didn’t know you guys would be here! And the good news is you didn’t believe in soul mates. So… Chandler: I believe in tall, handsome strangers who ht on my wife! Phoebe: They’re just talking, and y’know what? Just because I think they’re soul mates doesn’t mean anything’s gonna happen. Monica: (returning) Phoebe, good work. Phoebe: Yeah? Monica: Yeah! Oh he’s great, I love him. (Walks away and Chandler glares at Phoebe.) Phoebe: Don’t worry, we’ll find you someone else. [Scene: Joey’s Apartment, there’s a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Ross.] Joey: Hey. Ross: Hey. Joey: Look, I understand if you came by to ht me, I deserve it. Ross: No, I don’t want to h*t you. Joey: Oh what then? Kick me? Ross: No. Joey: (getting worried) Bite me? Ross: No, no I don’t want to do anything to you. All right? I just want to tell you that I’m not mad at you and…and that I certainly do not hate you. I just, I just came here to say that. (Starts to leave.) Joey: Oh now—Hey Ross-Ross! Do you wanna-wanna come in for a beer or something? Ross: Uh…yeah sure. (Enters.) Joey: Do uh, do you got any beer? All-all I got is this melon stuff that Rachel left. I don’t… Ross: Okay. Joey: (pouring two glasses) Hey look Ross, you need to understand something okay? I uh…I am never gonna act on this Rachel thing, okay? I-I would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with you. (He hands Ross a glass.) Ross: Thank you. (They clink glasses and take a drink. Ross likes it, Joey hates it. Then Ross sees Joey hating it, mimics he hates it as well.) Joey: Anyway, it uh…look it’ll just…take me a while to get over her, that’s all. I’m not even sure how to do that, I mean I’ve never been in love before so… Ross: What?! You’re in love with her. Joey: Yeah, I thought you knew that. Ross: Umm, no. Joey: Wow. Hey look, if it helps, I don’t want to feel this way. Honest. I just keep thinking, "Ah, I’ll get over this." Y’know? I just—It just keeps gettin’ harder. I don’t, I don’t know what to do. Y’know? What do I do? (Pause) Ross: I think you need to tell her how you feel. Joey: Okay that’s the green stuff talkin’. Ross: No, I’m serious. You-you need to find out where she is, because if she’s not where you are, then you can start to move past this. Joey: But what if uh—and I’m not saying she will be—But… Ross: If she is where you are then uh…then my feeling weird about it shouldn’t stand in the way. Joey: Are you sure? Ross: Yeah. Look if-if she’s gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is she couldn’t find a better guy. So… Joey: Hey thanks. Ross: So when do you think you’re gonna talk to her? Joey: Oh my God I have to tell her! I haven’t even thought about what I will say. What should I say? Ross: I’m understanding, but let’s not get carried away. Joey: I’m sorry, you’re right. What am I gonna say? (He takes another sip of the green stuff and recoils at the taste.) Oh! Ross: Yeah, tell me about it. (He stands up, turns his back to Joey, and enjoys another sip.) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Chandler are watching Monica and Don talk.] Don: …so I’ve been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing more on the cheese side of things. Chandler: Cheese you say? That’s some pretty smelly work, huh Don? Don: Excuse me? Chandler: Cheese, it’s smelly. You must smell a lot of the time too. Don: Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I’m one of the people who thinks the smellier the better. Monica: Me too! Yeah, Chandler can’t stand it. He won’t even allow me to have blue cheese in the house. Don: And you’re still married to him? (They both laugh, and Chandler tries to but fails.) Monica: You know what I’d love to do? I would like to go to France and eat nothing but bread and cheese—Not even bread, just cheese. No, I want the bread. Yeah. Ah, and pastries… (Breathlessly) And pate. Oh, I’m really not high, it’s just I used to be fat. Don: Well if you where ever enter the Loire valley let me know, I’ve got a great little villa you can stay at. Chandler: Is it made of cheese? Don: No. But God, a house made of cheese, wouldn’t that be incredible?! Monica: I’d move in tomorrow! Chandler: (disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe) Are you listening to this? Phoebe: I’m so sorry. Chandler: What do we do? Phoebe: I don’t know, they both want to live in a house of cheese! I don’t know how you fight that. [Scene: Outside Ross and Rachel's, Joey walks up to knock on the door, but stops.] Joey: Okay. Okay, I can do this. I can tell her how I feel. Just uh, just stand up straight. (Does so.) Take a couple deep breaths. (Does so.) Look confident. (Does so as Rachel opens the door and startles him.) Rachel: Joey? What’s up? Joey: I uh, I just came by because I-I want to talk to you about something. Rachel: Okay what’s up? Joey: Here? In the hall? What are we animals? Rachel: Well honey, I’m late for a meeting. So can you just make it quick? Joey: Okay umm, I just came by to tell you that I…want to have dinner with you tonight. That’s all. Rachel: Sure! That sounds great! Just leave me a message and tell me where to meet you. Okay? (Walks away.) Joey: Okay. That’s good. Okay, that give you a couple hours to prepare what you’re gonna say. Good. Yeah. (Someone comes out of his apartment and it startles Joey again.) Don’t you people ever knock?! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are entering.] Monica: I’d like to have Don and Phoebe over. Wouldn’t that be nice? Chandler: Sure, why don’t you set it up. I’ll just be over here, browsing through the personals. Monica: Are you okay? You’ve been acting weird all afternoon. Chandler: Yeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect!! But good enough. Monica: Jeez! What is with you? Chandler: I’m sorry, did you say cheese? Monica: All right, what’s going on? Chandler: Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don’t believe in that kind of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won’t stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese. Monica: Chandler, you don’t believe in soul mates? Chandler: No. But I’m sure (mimics Don) ‘tomatoes’ does. Monica: I don’t believe in soul mates either. Chandler: You don’t? Monica: No. I don’t think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard. Chandler: So you…you don’t want to live with Don in a cheese house? Monica: No, I’ve had second thoughts about that. Do you realize how hard that would be to clean? Chandler: I love you. Monica: I know. Chandler: Y’know what? I am going to take you out to dinner tonight. I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino poppers . (Monica doesn’t look impressed.) No? Really? They taste so good. [Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are having dinner.] Rachel: …and I know Chandler is kidding but it happens every time he touches my stomach. I mean I’m really worried the baby’s not going to like him. (Joey is staring at the table.) Are you okay? Joey: What? Yeah! Sure! Uh, look at the uh, the reason…(Exhales slowly)—Is it hot in here? Rachel: No. Not-not for me, but why don’t you take off your sweater? Joey: I would, but this is a nice place and my T-shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbs. Rachel: Oh my God! Really?! Can I see it? Joey: Yeah. Sure. (They both half stand up, Joey pulls the neck of his sweater out, and Rachel looks down it to see his T-shirt.) Rachel: Huh. Wow, I wouldn’t think Hobbs would like that so much. Joey: Uh… How long have we known each other? Rachel: Um, seven…e-e-eight, eight years. Wow. Joey: Uh-huh, long time. Rachel: Yeah. Joey: But over the past few weeks… (A waiter runs over interrupting Joey.) Waiter: Hah, sorry about the wait, but it is mega-jammed in here! We have a couple specials tonight… Joey: Actually uh, could you give us a second? Waiter: Sure. Sure. (Turns away, then turns back) Second’s up! (Joey glares at him.) Not…that kind of table. (He walks away.) Rachel: So you were saying? Joey: I’m not quite sure. Rachel: Okay, well you had asked me how long we had known each other, and I said, "Eight years." And the um, waiter came over and cut his tip in half, and umm…now here we are. Joey: Yeah, here we are. Uhh… I… I think I’m…falling in love with you. Rachel: (stunned) What? Joey: I’m falling in love with you. Rachel: (looking around) Who are you talking too? Oh, you’re kidding! Oh, it’s a joke! (Laughs.) It’s funny. It’s funny. I don’t get it. (Joey doesn’t say any thing and Rachel realizes it’s not a joke.) Oh. (Pause) Okay. Umm… I-I…uh, wow. Are you uh… How did umm… When? Joey: Does it really matter? Rachel: Wow! Wow. Wow. Wow, it is hot in here. Joey: Okay look Rach, I know this is a lot. You don’t have to say anything. You-you uh, you take as much time as you need. (Long pause as Rachel says nothing.) Okay, you gotta say something! Rachel: Joey, Joey I love you so much, but I… Joey: But. (Hangs his head down.) Rachel: Joey. Joey: Yeah-yeah right. That’s okay. That’s fine. That’s uh, pretty much what I was expecting. So uh, it’s no big deal. All right? I think I’m gonna go. (Stands up.) Rachel: No! Joey please! Please don’t! Please don’t leave like this! Now come on, you cannot do this to a pregnant woman! (Starts to cry.) Joey: Don’t start doing that. You can’t do that Rach, ‘cause then you’re gonna make me do that. (Starts to cry.) Oh, here we go! (Sits down next to her.) Rachel: Can I? (Hug him.) Joey: Sure! (They hug.) Rachel: Oh Joey honey I don’t…I don’t want to lose… Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey! You can’t. Okay? Ever! Rachel: I’m so sorry. Joey: Oh no-no Rach, please, don’t be sorry. Okay? Don’t be sorry. (They hug again.) Y’know I was only kidding you. Rachel: Yeah, that was a real good one. Closing Credits [Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are still hugging as a waiter walks by the table to talk to the annoying waiter from before who is watching.] Waiter No. 2: Is this your table? Waiter: Yeah. Waiter No. 2: God, you’re gonna be here all night! Waiter: I know! I haven’t even read them the specials yet! Waiter No. 2: What’s the matter with them? Waiter: I don’t know. I think maybe one of them is dying. (Pause) I kinda hope it’s the girl. (The other waiter is shocked.) The guy is really cute! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x16 - The One Where Joey Tells Rachel"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Steven Rosenhaus Story by: R. Lee Flemming, Jr. Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: The Hallway, Rachel walks up the stairs and knocks on Joey’s door.] Rachel: Joey? Are you in there? [Cut to inside Monica and Chandler’s, Monica, Chandler and Joey are eating breakfast.] Joey: (hearing Rachel and jumping up with his plate) Oh God! That’s Rachel! Monica: Joey, you have to talk to her! Joey: No-no, I can’t! I can’t! Not after the other night, it’s just it’s…too weird, okay? Don’t tell her I’m here! (Turns to run to the bathroom and his bagel falls off the plate onto the floor.) Don’t eat that! (Runs to the bathroom as Rachel enters.) Rachel: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey Rachel! Rachel: Is Joey here? Chandler: I don’t see him. (To Monica) Do you see him? Monica: I don’t see him. Hey! Maybe he’s in the sugar bowl! (Opens the sugar bowl) Joey? Nope! (Closes the sugar bowl and they both laugh.) Rachel: Well, at least you make each other laugh. Monica: What’s up? Rachel: Well, I haven’t seen him since that night that he told me how he y’know… I don’t know, I think he’s avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the floor? Monica: We were playing a game. Rachel: Ew, was Chandler naked? Sort of like a, like a ring toss kind of situation? Monica: Sure. Chandler: What?! No! No! Rachel: All right. Well listen, if you see Joey will you just tell him uh…tell him I miss him. (Exits and Joey enters.) Monica: (To Joey) Okay, did you hear that? Joey: Yeah, a naked bagel game? (Picks up his dropped bagel.) (To Chandler) Dude, I don’t know. That’s a pretty small hole. Monica: Honey, you gotta talk to her. Joey: I can’t! Y’know? You guys don’t know what it’s like to put yourself out there like that and just get sht down. Chandler: (incredulous) I don’t know what that’s like?! Up until I was 25 I thought the only response to, "I love you," was, "Oh crap!" Monica: Hello? No rejection? I got sht down at fat camp! Boy, kids are mean when they’re hungry. Joey: All right so, so what do I do? Monica: This is Rachel. I mean, what are you gonna do, never going to talk to her again? I mean I know it’s weird, it’s awkward, but you gotta at least try. Joey: Yeah. Okay. (Goes to take a bite out of the previously mentioned bagel.) Whoa! (Stops.) I almost forgot this was on your… Chandler: (interrupting him) We didn’t play it!! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is holding a book as she, Rachel, and Monica drink some tea as Chandler looks on.] Phoebe: Okay, so when you’re done with your tea I’ll look at your leaves and tell you your fortune. Chandler: I didn’t know you read tea leaves. Phoebe: Oh yeah, I’ve done it for years. I actually stopped because I was so accurate. Y’know, and-and y’know, one of the great joys of life is it’s-it’s wondrous unpredictability. Y’know? And also tea tends to give me the trots. Monica: Okay, I’m done. Read mine. Phoebe: Okay. (Looks at the leaves.) Ooh, I see a ladder. (Checks the book) Which can mean either a promotion or a violent death. Monica: (stunned) I-I’m the head chef. I-I can’t get promoted. Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm, who’s next? Rachel: Okay, I’m done. Do mine. Phoebe: Okay. (Reads the leaves) Umm, oh! Okay, I see a circle. Rachel: Ah. Phoebe: Oh! (Checking the book) Which can either mean you’re having a baby or you’re gonna make a scientific discovery! Rachel: Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab. Chandler: What does yours say Pheebs? Phoebe: Umm… Wow, all right. (Checks the book.) Wow! Yay! Ooh, I’m gonna meet a guy! And really soon! And he’s gonna be the man of my dreams. Probably not the guy I had a dream about last night. (Points at Chandler.) Ross: (entering) Hey! Has anyone seen my shirt? It’s a button down, like a, like a faded salmon? Monica: You mean your pink shirt? Ross: Faded salmon color. Monica: No, I-I haven’t seen your pink shirt. Ross: Great! Great. Then I must’ve left it at Mona’s. I knew it! Chandler: Well, I’m sure you get another one at Ann Taylor’s. Ross: That’s my favorite shirt! Okay? I love that shirt! Rachel: Well just ask Mona to give it back! Ross: I don’t know. I mean I-I guess I could. It’s just that we didn’t really end things such good terms. And if I go over there I’d be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do when we broke up, jump up my own ass and die. (Walks away.) Phoebe: (noticing a guy sitting by the green post looking at her) Oh wait a second you guys…for the last couple weeks I’ve been that guy everywhere I go. We take the same bus. We go to the same bookstore, the same dry cleaners; maybe he’s the tea guy. (He gets up to leave, and smiles at Phoebe.) Chandler: Phoebe, did you see that?! He totally checked you out! He is so cute! (Looking at his tea.) Mine has a picture of The Village People, what does that mean? (Joey enters.) Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hey. (He slowly walks to the other side of the couch and sits down at the table, an awkward silence follows.) Rachel: Hi. Joey: Hi. (More awkward silence.) Monica: Tea gives Phoebe the trots. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is cooking as Rachel paces nervously.] Rachel: So I thought Joey and I would be okay once we hung out, but it’s not even like we know how to be with each other anymore. Chandler: I know it’s tough now, but things will get better. Rachel: How do you know that? What if it just gets worse and worse and worse, to the point where we can’t even be in the same room with each other?! Chandler: I’m not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Some cheese? Monica: Honey, what is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Kat Stevens case? Chandler: Let’s just say if I can’t find the right CD case I just put it in the nearest one. Monica: Okay, where is the Kat Stevens CD? Chandler: In the James Taylor case. Monica: Where is the James Taylor CD? Chandler: Honey, I’m gonna save you some time, 200 CDs, not one of them in the right case. Monica: Okay. No need to panic. Deep breathes everyone. Okay umm uh, we’re just gonna have to spend some time and put the CDs in the right cases. Chandler: Well, if we’re gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. Y’know alphabetically or by genre? Monica: Hmm, I don’t know. We really have to talk this through. Rachel: Oh my God!! You guys have such problems!! I feel so terrible for you! Monica: Okay, I-I’m sorry. You and Joey, your both focusing on this uncomfortable thing, what you need to do is to change the subject. Next time you see him try to get him talking about something else. Rachel: Oh yeah. That makes sense. Monica: Yeah, like I don’t know, maybe you have a work problem that you need his advice on. Rachel: Ooh, I can do that. Monica: Good. (To Chandler) Uh honey, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really? Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store (off Monica’s look) in exchange for money. Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hi. Monica: Uh I really don’t know what to tell you Rach, I really don’t. I mean, maybe Joey can help you out with your, with your big work problem. Rachel: What? Monica: Yeah Joey she’s…Rachel’s got this really big work problem, and it is a head scratcher. Wow! (To Chandler) Y’know what, if we’re gonna make dinner we’re gonna have to leave. Yeah. (She and Chandler exit.) Joey: So you uh, have a…big work problem? Rachel: Yeah it’s umm… Yeah it’s uh… It-it’s y’know—It’s nothing. Joey: Huh. Okay. (Awkward silence.) So uh, I think I’m gonna take off. Rachel: Yeah—No wait! Joey no wait it is. It’s something. It’s-it’s umm…it’s my boss. Joey: Yeah? Rachel: Yeah, and umm my baby. Joey: Yeah? Rachel: My boss wants to buy my baby! Joey: What?! Oh my-oh my God! Rachel: I know I told you, it’s a really big problem. Joey: What he wants to buy your baby?! Rachel: Can you believe that?! Joey: That’s crazy! Rachel: That’s what I told him! Joey: Okay, how did this even happen? Rachel: Well I’ll tell ya! (Pause) See uh my-my boss and his wife—They-they can’t have children. So umm, and that—we were at the Christmas party, and he got drunk, and he said to me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby." Joey: Man! When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby I figured it was something about maternity leave. Rachel: Ohh! Yeah! (Pause) Yeah that-that would’ve been a much simpler problem. [Scene: A newsstand, Phoebe is looking at a magazine as the guy from before walks by and picks up a newspaper.] Phoebe: Oh hello. Guy: Oh, it’s you. I see you everywhere. I’m Jim, Jim Nelson. Phoebe: Oh Jim, Jim Nelson I’m Phoebe, Phoebe Buffay. We certainly have been seeing a lot of each other lately. Jim: We have. Maybe we’ll be seeing each other at dinner tomorrow night, say around 8 o’clock? Phoebe: Well, maybe we will. (Starts to walk away.) Oh! (She turns around and the exchange information.) [Scene: Outside Mona’s Apartment, Ross is knocking on the door.] Ross: Mona? (There’s no answer, so he starts to leave but remembers where her extra key is. He reaches atop a hall light just outside her door and grabs the key. He looks at in triumph as the pain from it being hot moves along his nervous system to his brain, and when it arrives his brain orders his hand to drop the hot key and his mouth to squeal in pain. After dropping the key he pulls his shirtsleeve over his hand and uses the key to open the door and enter Mona’s apartment.) Okay, if I were a salmon shirt, where would I be? (He hears a key in the door and as it opens he dives behind the couch.) Mona: (entering, with her date) I am so sorry I spilled wine all over your shirt. Mona's Date: Oh, it’s okay. Mona: No, it’s still wet. Y’know what? Let me get it out before it sets. Ooh, I have something you can wear. Here. (Hands him Ross’s shirt.) Mona's Date: Oh umm, I-I don’t know if I want to wear a woman’s shirt. Mona: No-no that’s a man’s shirt. Mona's Date: It’s awfully pink. (Ross mouths, "It’s salmon!") [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sorting their CDs.] Chandler: Oh my God, honey we are so meant to be together. We both have copies of the Annie soundtrack. Monica: Honey, both yours. Rachel: (entering) Hey! Great advice on that Joey thing! Monica: Yeah? The work problem? Rachel: Oh it was perfect! I mean it really felt like he was my friend again. Chandler: What problem did you tell him you had? Rachel: Oh that’s not important. The point is, I really—I think everything’s gonna be okay. [Scene: Mr. Zelner’s Office, he’s in a meeting as Joey bursts in.] Mr. Zelner: May I help you? Joey: Do you think you can just buy my friends baby?! Commercial Break [Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Jim are on their date.] Phoebe: Isn’t it funny how we kept running into each other? It’s as if someone really wants us to be together. Jim: Someone does. Me. Phoebe: Oh, witty banter. Well done. Jim: So, tell me a little bit about yourself. Phoebe: Oh okay, well I’m a masseuse, and I used to work at this place… Jim: Do you like to party? Phoebe: I-I-I like, I like parties. Jim: You’re wild, aren’t ya? Phoebe: Yeah I guess, a little. Jim: It ain’t no thing, I’m wild too. Phoebe: (a little freaked out) So! Umm, anyway I-I lived in New York, someone wildly I guess, for umm—Well since I was fourteen. Jim: I’m sorry. I’m staring. It’s just that you have the most beautiful eyes. Phoebe: Oh stop it. Jim: And your breasts! Hmm!!! Phoebe: Okay. Umm look, you’re coming on a little strong. But I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because it seems the universe really wants to be together. So, why don’t we just start over okay? And you can just tell me about yourself. Jim: All right. Phoebe: Okay. Jim: I write erotic novels, for children. Phoebe: What?! Jim: They’re wildly unpopular. Phoebe: Oh my God! Jim: Oh also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D. Phoebe: Wow! You do? Jim: Yeah, (looks at his crotch) a Pretty Huge… Phoebe: All right. (Gets up and walks out.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, and now Rachel are organizing CDs.] Chandler: (singing) The sun’ll come out…tomorrow! Bet…your bottom dollar that tomorrow… (The girls start laughing, and in a deep voice) …there’ll be sun. Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Oh Joey, honey listen, thank you for talking to my yesterday about that thing with my boss. That really meant a lot. Joey: Not a problem. Oh, and just so you know, that guy’s not going to be bothering you about that baby thing anymore. Rachel: (worried) What? Joey: Let’s just say I took care of it. Rachel: Whoa-whoa-whoa, let’s say more! Joey: Don’t worry! Don’t worry. I just told him, very nicely, "You don’t go buying people’s babies, so back off!!" Rachel: What?! Chandler and Monica: What?! Rachel: No! No, no-no-no Joey he doesn’t want to buy my baby! I made that up! Joey: What?! Why?! Rachel: So that we would have something to talk about! So it wouldn’t be awkward! Joey: And you couldn’t think of anything else?! Monica: You said your boss wants to buy your baby?! Rachel: (To Joey) I can’t believe that you yelled at my boss! I’m-I’m gonna lose my job! What am I going to do?! Chandler: You can always sell your baby. Rachel: Oh Joey, I can’t believe you brought my boss into this! I’m gonna get fired! Joey: You lied to me! Rachel: Well, she told me too! (Points to Monica and Joey glares at her.) Monica: Chandler has two copies of Annie! [Scene: Mona’s Apartment, she and her date are making out as Ross flips through a magazine while lying behind the couch and sees something that he likes. Meanwhile, Mona’s date takes off Ross’s shirt and Mona throws it on the floor. While they start making out again, Ross tries to pull the rug the shirt is on over to him, but while he does that he moves the coffee table and it bumps into the couch.] Mona: (seeing Ross) Oh my God! Ross!!! Ross: Hello!! Mona: Ross, what are you doing?! Ross: Not touching myself if that makes anyone less uncomfortable. [Scene: Mr. Zelner’s Office, Rachel is knocking on the door.] Rachel: Morning. You wanted to see me? Mr. Zelner: Please, come in. Have a seat. (She does so.) Rachel: Okay look Mr. Zelner… Mr. Zelner: Oh I think it’s best that I speak first. Rachel: Yeah. (Motions for him to continue.) Mr. Zelner: I’ve asked Lee from human resources to be here as a witness to our conversation. Rachel: Oh God. Mr. Zelner: If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby…I am sorry. Okay? Last week when I asked you when your due date was uh, I certainly did not mean that I felt that I was due your baby. Yeah, I want to be very clear that I understand that its your baby, and it is not mine to purchase. Rachel: Well, as long as we are clear about that. (Exits smugly.) [Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Monica are walking down it.] Phoebe: Oh there it is. Monica: That’s not your regular dry cleaners. Phoebe: I know, but that creep that I went on that date with goes to there so I have to find a new one. I also have to find a new video store, a new bank, a new adult bookstore, a new grocery store… Monica: What?! Phoebe: A new grocery store. The universe said I was going to meet a nice guy and that’s what they gave me? (Looks up) When I get up there I’m going to kick some ass. Monica: Don’t worry Phoebe, you’re gonna meet someone. If I can meet a great guy, so can you. Phoebe: Yeah, we both can. And we both will. (They enter the dry cleaners.) Phoebe: Oh, you didn’t have to come in with me. Monica: Are you kidding? This is where they get out stains! Okay? This is like Disneyland for me. I’m-I’m gonna be over here watching the dance of the clean shirts. (She points to and walks over to the electric clothes rack they have.) Phoebe: Okay. (A guy enters that looks suspiciously like Alec Baldwin from The Hunt for Red October, Pearl Harbor, and Beetlejuice.) Guy: (To Phoebe) Oh, excuse me! I think you dropped s…(looks at Phoebe.) Wow! Phoebe: What? Guy: I’m sorry, it’s just that you’re so incredibly beautiful. Phoebe: Oh yeah well, I’m sorry about that too, but what are you going to do? Guy: I hope you don’t think I’m crazy but I feel like I was meant to pick this up, do you believe in that kind of thing? Phoebe: A little. (She turns around and looks up.) (To the universe) Now you’re talking. Guy: Would you like to go out and have a cup of coffee? Phoebe: I-I-I’d love to. Let me just tell my friend. Monica: (to the clerk) Ooh, an ink stain! Hey, can I watch how you get this out? Phoebe: (looking around) She must’ve left. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is watching Joey pace nervously as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi. Joey: So? What-what-what happened? Rachel: It’s all gonna be okay. They’re just so happy that I’m not suing them that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave. So long as I understand that the money should not construed as a down payment on this or any other child I should bear. Chandler: Wow, Ralph Lauren is really going out of there way to show they’re not in the baby buying business. Rachel: Chandler, can you give us a minute? Chandler: Oh I’m sorry, you’re kicking me out of my own living room? Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: I’ll be in there. (Goes into the bedroom.) Rachel: Joey, I’m really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things… Joey: I know. I know. Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean y’know, I don’t know about you buy I haven’t thought about our thing since all this. Joey: Hey you’re right. Yeah, it’s kinda been like us again a little bit. Rachel: Yeah I know! I miss that. Joey: Me too. I mean I…haven’t thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn’t feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward. (Awkward silence.) Rachel: My gynecologist tried to k*ll me. Closing Credits [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is ordering something over the phone from a catalog.] Ross: (on phone) Item J437-A, color: winterberry. (There’s a knock on the door as he hangs up the phone. He answers it to Mona.) Hi umm, listen come here, come in. (She does so.) I’m so-so sorry about yesterday. I-I’m really sorry. It’s just that I… (He picks up the pink shirt.) Mona: (interrupting him) Listen Ross, you don’t have to apologize. I understand why you were there. Ross: You do? Mona: Yeah, you still have feelings for me. And-and to be honest, I-I still have feelings for you. And I wish that we can work it out Ross, but we can’t. It’s too complicated with you and Rachel and the baby, I-I just… It just wasn’t meant to be. Ross: (faking starting to cry) Oh God you’re right. Mona: Ross, we…we have to be strong. Okay, I-I’m gonna go. (She picks up the shirt Ross has just set down.) Can I? To remember you? Ross: (laughs) No. (Takes the shirt back.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x17 - The One With The Tea Leaves"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Mark Kunerth Story by: Peter Tibbals Transcribed by: Cassie With Help From: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.] Phoebe: Oh, Ross, Mon, is it okay if I bring someone to your parent’s anniversary party? Monica: Yeah. Ross: Sure. Yeah. Joey: So, who’s the guy? Phoebe: Well, his name is Parker and I met him at the drycleaners. Chandler: Oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers? (Sits up) Who said that? Phoebe: Yeah, he’s really great though. He has this incredible zest for life, and he treats me like a queen, except at night when he treats me like the naughty girl I am. Monica: (To Ross) Oh, by the way. Would it be okay if I gave the toast to mom and dad this year? Ross: Uh, yeah, you sure you want to after what happened at their 20th? Monica: Yeah, I’d really like to. Ross: Okay, hopefully this time mom won’t boo you. Monica: Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast, and it’s always really moving, and always makes them cry. Well this year I’m going to make them cry. Chandler: And you wonder why Ross is their favorite? Monica: No! Really! Any time Ross makes a toast everyone cries, and hugs him, and pats him on the back and they all come up to me and say, "God, your brother." Know what they’ll say this year? "God, you" Joey: Well I can promise you, at least one person will be crying. (Points to himself) I’m an actor, and any actor worth himself can cry on cue. (snaps fingers) Monica: Really you can do that? Joey: Are you kidding me? Watch! (Makes funny faces trying to cry) Well I can’t do it with you guys watching me! Opening Credits [Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, they’re getting ready to leave for the party.] Chandler: What are you doing? Monica: Oh I’m working on my toast for the party, or as I like to call it. Sob fest 2002. Hey check this out. (Hands him a picture.) Chandler: It’s a dog. Monica: It’s a dad dog. That’s Chi-Chi; she died when I was in high school. Chandler: It’s your parents’ anniversary and you’re going to talk about their dad pet? Monica: The good stuff, huh? (Ross, Joey, and Rachel enter) Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey! Monica: You got a present for my parents. That’s so sweet. Joey: Yeah, yeah, in honor of their 35th wedding anniversary, I had a star named after them. Ross: Aww that is so cool. Joey: And I got them a book on Karma Sutra for the elderly. Rachel: Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon? Chandler: Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, (Pause) and I think my testacles may be in here too. Ross: (picking up Chi-Chi’s picture) Aww! Chi-Chi! Oh, I loved this dog! Y’know Monica couldn’t get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery. Monica: What?! Ross: You were the 200-pound 11-year-old who rode her! (Phoebe and Parker enter) Phoebe: Hey! All: Hi! Phoebe: Everybody, this is Parker, Parker this is… Parker: No, no, no wait! Don’t tell me. Let me guess. (Points as he says their names) Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel and, I’m sorry Phoebe didn’t mention you. (Chandler makes a face) Chandler, I’m kidding all ready you’re my favorite! Chandler: Ha! Parker: Why don’t all of you tell me a little about your self? Ross: Ah, actually, I’m sorry we-we probably should get going. Parker: (laughs) Classic Ross. Rachel, Rachel, oh how you glow. May I? (Puts hand on her stomach) Rachel: I, uh, think you already are. Parker: Rachel, you have life growing inside you. Is there anything in this world more miraculous than—Oh a picture of a dog! Whose is this? Monica: That’s my old dog. He passed away years ago. Parker: Oh well, at least you were lucky to have him. Bow-wow old friend, bow-wow. So where’s the party? Monica: It’s out on the island. It’s in Massapequa. Parker: Maaaassapequa, sounds like a magical place. Tell me about Massapequa, is it steep in Native American history? {Transcriber’s Note: Interestingly Alec Baldwin was born in Massapequa.} Ross: Well, there is an Arby’s in the shape of a tee-pee. Monica: Okay, I got my note cards. (To Chandler) Do you got the presents? Chandler: Yeah. Monica: And I’ve got the car keys. Parker: We’re driving!? Monica: Yeah. Parker: Aces! (Everyone except Ross and Rachel leave.) Ross: So uh, he seems like a nice guy. Rachel: Yeah, yeah I like him a lot. Ross: Ya wanna hang back and take our own cab? Rachel: Yeah, otherwise I’m not going. [Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel are arriving and see his parents.] Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Hi Ross: Hi! (Kisses his mom.) Hey mom. Rachel: This is such a great party! 35 years. Very impressive, do you guys have any pearls of wisdom? Mrs. Geller: Jack? Mr. Geller: Why would you serve food on such a sharp stick? (Looking a toothpick) Ross: That’s a good question, dad. That’s a good question… Rachel: Hmmm…. Woman: (To Ross and Rachel) Congratulations you two! Rachel: Thank you…we’re so excited Woman: And also, congratulations on your wedding. Ross: Wha—What? Mrs. Geller: Can we talk to you for just a y’know… It’s just a little thing. Well we think it’s absolutely marvelous that you’re having this baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open-minded. Which is why we’ve told them all that you’re married. Ross and Rachel: What?! Mrs. Geller: Thanks for going along with this. Ross: Dad so what we have to pretend that we’re married? Mr. Geller: Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this. Ross: Can you believe that? Rachel: Yeah, if you’re going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass at the nosal area. Ross: No, us having to lie about being married. Rachel: No, I know I don’t either, but ya know what, it’s their party, and it’s just one night. And we don’t even have to lie; we just won’t say anything. If it comes up again, we’ll just…smile. We’ll nod along. Woman: Ross! Man: Rachel! Ross: Hi Aunt Lisa, Uncle Dan Aunt Lisa: Congratulations on the baby, and on the wedding Ross and Rachel: Hmmmm…. Uncle Dan: Here’s a little something to get you started. (Hands them a check) Rachel: Oh… Aunt Lisa: So, how’s married life treating you? Rachel: (looking at the check) Unbelievable! Ross: We love marriage! Aunt Lisa: Great! (The rest of the gng arrives including Parker.) Ross: Hey Phoebe: Hey! Parker: What a beautiful place. What a great night! I have to tell you, being here with all of you in Event Room C…I feel so lucky. I think of all the good times that have happened here. The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs both bar and bat, but none of them will compare with tonight! My God, I don’t want to forget this moment! It’s like I want to take a mental picture of you all! Click! (He takes a mental picture of them all.) Chandler: I don’t think the flash went off. Parker: Dahaaa! (Punches Chandler in the arm and he makes a face of pain.) I’m going to find the men’s room, be right back. Phoebe: I’ll go with you Parker: Come on! Chandler: Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gn and a huge butterfly net looking for that man. Joey: I have to go to the bathroom too, but I don’t want him complimenting my thing. Ross: I’m so we weren’t in the car! Did he ever let up? Monica: He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle. Ross: (imitating Parker) This room! This night! That waiter! His shoes! I must take a mental picture! (He backs into someone.) Ooh sorry…(He looks behind him then notices its Phoebe then stops his impression.) Phoebe: Were you guys making fun of Parker? Ross: That depends, how much did you hear? Phoebe: So, he a little enthusiastic, what’s wrong with that? Monica: It’s just that, it’s so much. Phoebe: Well, so what I like him! Do I make fun of the people you’ve dated? Tag, Janice, Mona? No, because friends don’t do that. But, do you want my opinion? Do you want it? ‘Cause in my opinion, your collective dating record reads like the who’s who of human crap. (Walks off) Monica: I feel terrible. Joey: I know Ross: What was wrong with Mona? Commercial Break [Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel have just gotten another wedding present.] Rachel: Open it! Open it! Open it! Ross: Yeah baby! Man: So we never got to hear about your wedding! Woman: We were surprise that we weren’t invited. Ross: No, no, it was just our parents and 1 or 2 friends. It was a small wedding. Rachel: But it was beautiful. I mean it was small, but kind of spectacular. Man: Where did you have it? Rachel: On a cliff, in Barbados, at sunset, and Stevie Wonder sang Isn’t She Lovely as I walked down the aisle. Woman: Really? Rachel: Yeah, Stevie’s an old family friend. (Hits Ross’s chest) Woman: Oh my God. That sounds amazing. I would love to see pictures. Rachel: So would I. You wouldn’t think that Annie Liebawitz would forget to put film in the camera. Ross: Would you excuse us for a second? (Pulls Rachel off to the side) Umm…. what are you doing? Rachel: What? I’m not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have. I want it to be amazing. Ross: Okay, okay. Ooooh, ooh maybe I rode in on a Harley. Rachel: Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic. (Cut to Phoebe and Parker) Parker: Are you okay? You seem kind of quiet. Phoebe: No, I’m fine. I’m great. I’m with you. Parker: And I’m with you! What a great time to be alive! Look at this plate-bouncy thing. (Bounces the plates) What an inspired solution to man’s plate dispensing problems. Phoebe: Hm huh, yeah. Parker: Ah! Oysters! Let me feed you one. Phoebe: No, that’s not necessary. Parker: Please. Phoebe: No, actually I don’t eat… Parker: I won’t quit until you try. Phoebe: Okay, fine! Fine! (Takes the oyster and pretends to eat it while dropping it on the floor) Mmm…hmmmmm…. Parker: What are they like? I’ve never had one. Phoebe: Why don’t you just try one? Parker: No, they look too weird. (Cut to Monica and Chandler) Chandler: What are you doin’? Monica: Just going over my toast. Those two will never know what ht ‘em. I can’t wait. They’re going to be crying so hard. They’re going to be fighting for breath. Chandler: Ya know if you want to, I can just hold them down and you could (Punches the air). (Cut to Rachel and Ross) Rachel: And my veil was lace, made by blind, Belgium nuns. Woman: Blind? Rachel: Well, not at first, but it was very intricate work and they said even though they lost their sight, it was all worth it. Aunt Lisa: I’ll bet you looked beautiful… Rachel: Well, I don’t know about that, but some said that I looked like a floating angel. Woman: (To Ross) So, how did you propose? Rachel: Oh yeah. That’s a great story. Ross: Well, um, actually, I-I took her to the planetarium. That’s-that’s where we had our first date. Um, she walked in and I had the room filled with lilies, her favorite flower… Aunt Lisa: Oh that is so sweet! Rachel: Shhh! I want to hear the rest! Ross: Then, Fred Astaire singing The Way You Look Tonight came on the sound system, and the lights came down. And I got down on one knee and written across the dome in the stars were the words "Will you marry me?" (Various oohs and ahhs) Rachel: And the ring, was the size of my fist (makes a fist)! (Cut to Phoebe and Joey) Joey: Yeah uh, Phoebe! Look umm, I want to apologize about before, okay? We were being jerks. Parker’s a nice guy and I’d like to get to know him. Phoebe: Then you better do it now. Joey: Why? Phoebe: Because I’m going to kll him Joey: What-what? Phoebe: You guys were right. He’s just too excited about…everything. I mean I’m all for living life, but this is the Geller’s 35th anniversary. Okay? Let’s call a spade a spade this party stinks. Joey: I know I’m having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, and when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger! Phoebe: Are you sure it wasn’t an oyster? Joey: I guess it could’ve been, I didn’t really look at it. Y’know, I just wiped it on Chandler’s coat and got the hell out of there. Phoebe: He’s just such a great guy I’m so excited about him. Joey: Oh hey, you should be excited about him. There’s nothing wrong with him he’s a good guy. Phoebe: You think? Joey: Yeah. Ya know what I think; I think we were all just being too negative. Phoebe: You’re right. You’re right, he’s just embracing life. We could all stand to be a little more like Parker. You know what? I am like him! I’m a sunny, positive person. Joey: Actually, you have a little bit of an edge. Phoebe: What’s that now? Joey: Nothing… Phoebe: Oh look it’s Parker! Parker: Look! It’s the bunny hop! Phoebe: Oooh I love it! Parker: You do?! Phoebe: Are you kidding? People acting like animals to music. Come on! (Cut to Monica, at the microphone) Monica: Okay it’s time for the toast! Umm now-now, I know that Ross usually gives the toast, but this year I’m going to do it. (Everyone sighs) Monica: No, no it’s going to be great. Really! Mom, Dad, when I got married, one of the things that made me sure I could do it was the amazing example the two of you set for me. For that and so many other things I want to say thank you. I know I probably don’t say it enough, but I love you. (Pretends to cry hoping her parents will join her.) When I look around this room, I’m-I’m saddened by the thought of those who could not be here with us. Nana, my beloved grandmother who would so want to be here, but she can’t because she’s dad. As is our dog Chi-Chi. I mean look how cute she is. (Holds up the picture and pretends to cry again). Was. (To an old man by the stage.) Do me a favor and pass this to my parents. Remember she’s dad. Okay, her and Nana, gone. Wow! Hey does anybody remember when Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her children in Terms of Endearment? (Chandler covers his ears) Didn’t see that? No movie fans?! You want to hear something sad? The other day I was watching 60 Minutes these orphans in Romania, who have been so neglected, they were incapable of love. (Waits for people to cry, but doesn’t get any tears.) You people are made of stone! Here’s to mom and dad! Whatever! Mrs. Geller: Thank you Monica that was uh, interesting. Wasn’t it interesting, Jack? Mr. Geller: (looking at the picture) Why don’t I remember this dog? Mrs. Geller: Ross, why don’t you give us your toast now? Ross: Oh, no, Mom, it’s just Monica this year. Mrs. Geller: You’re not going to say anything? On our 35th wedding anniversary Ross: No, of course, Um… Um, everybody? Um, I-I just wanted to say…on behalf of my new bride, Rachel (She turns around and smiles), and myself. Umm, that if…if in 35 years, we’re half as happy as you guys are, we’ll count ourselves the luckiest people in the world. Mrs. Geller: (crying) Oh Ross… Mr. Geller: I just wish Nana were alive to hear Ross’s toast. [Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, Parker and her are entering.] Parker: My God what a fantastically well lit hallway! Phoebe: Can I get you something to drink? Like a water and Valium? Parker: I must say this apartment, its, its, There are no words… Phoebe: Oh thank God. Parker: It’s a haven. A third-floor paradise. A modern-day Eden in the midst… Phoebe: Yeah? I know! I know! Uh huh? Listen why don’t we just um, sit and relax? You know just be with each other. Quietly! Parker: That sounds great. (Sits down) My God this is the most comfortable couch I’ve ever sat on in my entire life. (Bounces on couch) Phoebe: Let’s try something else, let’s play a game. Parker: I love games! Phoebe: Shocking! Let’s play the game of who can stay quiet the longest. (Giggles) Parker: Or…Jenga. Phoebe: But, let’s play this one first. And remember whoever talks first loses! (They sit back) Parker: I lose, now Jenga. Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Parker: Is something wrong? Phoebe: Wrong? Really? You know the word wrong. Everything isn’t perfect? Everything isn’t magical? Everything isn’t a glow with the light of a million fairies? They were just brake lights, Parker! Parker: Well, excuse me for putting a good spin on a traffic jam! Phoebe: You don’t have to put a good spin on everything. Parker: I’m sorry that’s who I am. I’m a positive person. Phoebe: No! I am a positive person. You are like Santa Clause on Prozac, at Disneyland, getting laid! Parker: So what do you want me to do, you want me to be more negative, less happy? Phoebe: Much less happy! Parker: Fine! Well then to quote Ross, "I’d better be going." Phoebe: So long! Don’t let the best door in the world h*t you in the ass on your way out! (He exits and she slams the door behind him.) (There’s a knock on door, and Phoebe opens it.) Parker: Isn’t this the most incredible fight you’ve ever had in your entire life? Phoebe: Uh huh. (Closes door) [Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, they’re returning from the party.] Ross: …and then, we could’ve gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar! Rachel: Ross, it just wouldn’t have been feasible. Ross: But having a dove place the ring on your finger would’ve been no problem? Rachel: It was really fun being married to you tonight. Ross: Yeah! And! And, it was the easiest 400 bucks I’ve ever made. Rachel: Okay Ross, can I uh, can I ask you something? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: That proposal, at the planetarium… Ross: I know, I know it was stupid. Rachel: Are you kidding?! With the, with the lilies, and-and the song, and the stars! It was…really wonderful! Did you just make that up? Ross: No, actually I thought about it when, when we were going out. It’s how I imagined I uh, I would ask you to marry me. Rachel: Well, that would’ve been very hard to say no too. Ross: It’s a good thing I didn’t do it, because it sounds like it would’ve been a very expensive wedding. (Rachel laughs) Okay, good night Rachel: Goodnight (They go off to their bedrooms) Ross: Even if the sidecar had a windscreen so your hair wouldn’t get messed up? Rachel: I will think about it. Ross: That’s all I’m askin’ Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are there.] Monica: Okay that’s it. I give up. At mom and dad’s 40th anniversary, you’re the one giving the speech. Ross: Y’know I don’t understand why they didn’t cry. It was a beautiful speech. Monica: Oh, come on. Ross: Hey! All that stuff you said about true love, you were right, I mean, we did learn a lot from Mom and Dad! And that picture of Chi-Chi with her mischievous grin. And what you said about Nana. Ohh, yeah she really would’ve wanted to be there. And you know what? I think she was. Monica: (starts to cry) Oh good God, Ross! How the hell do you do it? End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x18 - The One In Massapequa"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Episodes Orginally Transcribed by: Eric Aasen, guineapig, Josh Hodge, Aaron D. Howard-Miller, and Kiza Abuzahra. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone except Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a magazine.] Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Rachel: So, I’m in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down. (She hands the magazine to Joey.) Joey: (reading) Three down, Days Of Our Lives star blank Tribbiani. That’s me!! I’m blank!! Monica: How cool is this?! We know three down! I’m touching three down! (She has her hand on his shoulder.) Joey: Yeah you are baby. Monica: Three down knows I’m married, what’s three down doin’? Rachel: So did they call you to tell you your name’s gonna be in this? Joey: No. They really like me over there. They want to do a big profile on me, but I said no. Ross: Why’d you say no? Joey: Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft. So who knows what I might say this time. Chandler: If only there was something in your head to control the things you say. (Joey nods his agreement.) Rachel: Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus y’know the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And if you do the interview you can mention, oh I don’t know, gal pal Rachel Green? Chandler: Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R? Rachel: Okay, don’t listen to him. Please? Joey: Fine! All right, I’ll do it. But hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I y’know, start to say something stupid. Ross: Just then or-or all the time, ‘cause we-we have jobs y’know. Rachel: Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! I’m gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you. Joey: Yeah. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there for his interview and everyone but Phoebe are hiding on the couch.] The Interviewer: I really appreciate you taking the time to do this. Joey: Oh, not at all. Happy to do it. [Cut to the rest of the gng sitting low on the couch and craning their necks to watch the interview.] Monica: (To Chandler) You think we’re being obvious? Chandler: No, we’re just four people with neck problems. You talk like this. (Out of the sides of their mouths.) [Cut to the interview.] The Interviewer: (To Joey) Y’know I think its great you wanted to meet here. Y’know when most people hear the magazine is paying for it they want to go to a big fancy restaurant. Joey: (laughs) Actually, I didn’t know the magazine was paying for it. Wouldn’t have mattered, I’m doing this for the fans, not for the free food. gn: Can I get you anything? The Interviewer: Umm, I’ll have a cup of coffee. Joey: And I’ll have all the muffins. [Cut to the gng.] Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Ross: Shhh! We’re not talking. Phoebe: Oh. Finally! Oh. (Sits back in relief.) [Cut to the interview.] The Interviewer: So, according to your bio, you’ve done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives. Anything you’re particularly proud of? [This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is from Episode 106: The One With The Butt, Joey is in a play called Freud!.] Joey: (He goes into a song and dance number) All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang... [The next one is from Episode 304: The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel, Joey is on Amazing Discoveries.] Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open. Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way! Mike: And there is Kevin. [Cut forward.] Mike: This is the first time he’s ever used this product, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (To Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton. Joey: (finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (Starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday. (The crowd ahhs.) [The next one is from Episode 322: The One With The Screamer, it’s the end of Joey’s play.] Lauren: So this is it? Victor? Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship, (Smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. But I won’t have aged at all. (Gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne… baby…I’m gonna want to meet her. (The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7.) [The next one is from Episode 204: The One With Phoebe’s Husband, when everyone including Julie is watching Joey in his prn.] Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do…so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for the paper tray. Chandler: Nice work my friend. Joey: Thank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am… [Cut to the interview.] Joey: Well, there are so many things, it’s hard to pick just one. [Cut to the gng.] Phoebe: I’m gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything? Rachel: Oh yeah, I’d actually love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea. Ross: Uh, double latte, extra foam. Chandler: And a bagel with only… Phoebe: (interrupting him) I was just being polite! [Cut to the interview.] The Interviewer: Okay, how about when you’re not working. What do you do in your spare time? [This starts another series of flashbacks about Joey’s hobbies. The first one is from Episode 703: The One With Phoebe’s Cookies, Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.] Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names their boat Coast Guard anyway? Rachel: That is the Coast Guard. Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. (Points to the coast.) [The next one is from Episode 603: The One With Ross’s Denial, Joey is amazing Phoebe and Monica by holding his breath.] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes! (We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he’s now forced to actually hold his breath.) Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo—you trying to kll me?! [The next one is from Episode 507: The One Where Ross Moves In.] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.] Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much? Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun! Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat? Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea! (Chandler does so.) [The next one is from Episode 417: The One With The Free prn, Chandler and Joey are lamenting the fact that every beautiful woman they see doesn’t want to have sex right then and there like in prn.] Chandler: Y’know what, we have to turn off the prn. Joey: I think you’re right. (Goes over and picks up the remote.) Chandler: All right, ready? Joey: One. Chandler: Two. Both: Three. (Chandler turns off the prn and sets the remote down.) Joey: That’s kinda nice. Chandler: Yeah, that’s kinda a relief. Joey: Yeah. (Pause.) Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it? Joey: Yeah. (Chandler turns on the TV and…) Chandler: FREE prn!!! Joey: Yeah!! Chandler: We have free prn here!!! [Cut to the interview.] Joey: In my spare time I uh, read to the blind. And I’m also a mento for the kids.(The gng shake their heads.) Y’know a mento, a role model. (Chandler bites his fist to keep from talking.) The Interviewer: A mento… Joey: Right. The Interviewer: Like the candy? Joey: Matter of fact, I do. (Chandler tries to jump over the couch but everyone stops him.) The Interviewer: Well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how our soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime? Joey: Uh, we stars just try to eat right and get lots of exercise. [Another set of flashbacks begin with Episode 521: The One With The Ball, Joey and Ross are throwing a ball around.] Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour? Ross: Are you serious?! Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it. Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Joey: Yeah! Ross: Hey! We totally forgot about lunch! Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose! [The next one is from Episode 604: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance.] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.] Chandler: What’s wrong with you? Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious. Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you—Go to the doctor! Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.) Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s! [The next one is from Episode 609: The One Where Ross Got High, Rachel is describing her desert to Joey and Ross.] Rachel: It’s a trifle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch. [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sautéed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something’s wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top! [Time lapse, Ross and Joey are eating Rachel’s disaster.] Ross: It tastes like feet! Joey: I like it. Ross: Are you kidding? Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goooooood. [The next one is from Episode 619: The One With Joey’s Fridge.] [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from the fridge. Joey isn’t doing all that well.] Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar? Chandler: That’s still in there?! Joey: Not anymore. [The next one is from Episode 711: The One With All the Cheesecakes.] [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.] Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it! Chandler: Stick to your side! Rachel: Hey, come on now! (Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.) Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin’? (Starts digging in.) [Cut to the interview.] Joey: Uhh, I don’t believe in these crazy diets y’know, just everything in moderation. gn: Your muffins. (Sets down a huge plate of muffins in front of Joey.) Joey: I’ll take those to go. (To the interviewer) For the kids. The Interviewer: Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. You were on the show years ago and then they klled you off. What happened there? Joey: It was so stupid, I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldn’t have said. But believe me, that’s not gonna happen today. The Interviewer: Understood. So, what’d you say back then? Joey: Well, I said that I… (The gng jumps up and interrupts him.) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Joey: You guys, this is Shelley, she’s interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest, and Shelley, this are my friends… Rachel: (interrupting him) Hi! I’m gal pal Rachel Green, and if you want the dirt, I’m the one you come too. This might be Joey’s baby (rubbing her stomach), who knows? I’m just kidding—Seriously, (leans into the cassette recorder Shelley is using) gal pal Rachel Green. Ross: (leaning into the recorder as well) Who just lost the respect of her unborn child. The Interviewer: Umm, I’m gonna just go get this warmed up. (She takes her coffee mug up to the counter.) Joey: Okay. Monica: Joey! You’re doing great! Ross: Yeah, so far nothing stupid. Chandler: Mento? Joey: No thanks. The Interviewer: (returning) So, as Joey’s friends, is there anything that you guys think our readers ought to know? Ross: Uh no, no just-just that he is a great guy. Rachel: (scoffs at him) Yeah, that’s gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest. Well I…(leans into the microphone again)…I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives. Phoebe: Umm, I…I just think you don’t expect someone so hot to be so sweet. The Interviewer: Oh! I like that. What’s your name? Phoebe: Umm, Phoebe Buffay. The Interviewer: How do you spell that? So we can get it right. Phoebe: Oh okay, it’s P as in Phoebe, H as in hoebe, O as in oebe, E as in ebe, B as in bee-bee and E as in (In an Australian accent) ‘Ello there mate! The Interviewer: Great! Well, it was nice meeting all of you. Ross: Yeah, you too. Rachel: You too! Chandler: Thanks. Monica: Bye. (They resume their previous positions.) The Interviewer: So it seems like you have a lot of friends, who would you say is your best friend? [They gng all lean back to listen better, and this starts another series of flashbacks. The first one is from Episode 214: The One With The Prom Video, Rachel has just found the bracelet that Joey gave Chandler, which is after he bought one to replace it.] Joey: How come you have two? Chandler: Well this one's for you. Joey: Get out. Chandler: No, I can't. No-no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, (Puts bracelet on Joey) it's about you and me and the fact that we're (Reading bracelet) best buds. Joey: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies. Chandler: That's what they'll call us. [The next one is from Episode 618: The One Where Ross Dates A Student.] [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.] Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry! Joey: No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it. Rachel: Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain! Joey: Rach! Hey! It’s fine! You’re at Joey’s! Rachel: Really? Joey: Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.) Rachel: I’ve never lived like this before. Joey: I know. (Rachel throws some of hers down.) Joey: All right, don’t waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and eats it.) [The next one is from Episode 224: The One With Barry And Mindy’s Wedding, Joey has to kiss a guy in an audition and has been trying to find one to practice with.] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters] Ross: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and damnit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey). Joey: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl. [The next one is from Episode 512: The One With Chandler’s Work Laugh, Joey and Phoebe are betting on who will reach the treat the fastest, the chick or the duck.] Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.) Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge! Joey: Judge rules, no violation. Phoebe: Ohhh. Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter! Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton! Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter. Phoebe: Ohh, tough call. Joey: Yeah. [The next one is from Episode 401: The One With The Jellyfish, where Monica, Joey, and Chandler are relating that tragic day they spent on the beach.] Joey: I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel... Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (Stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?! Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!! Monica: You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t...bend that way. So... (Looks at Joey.) Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!! Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! [Cut to the interview.] Joey: Umm, no. No best friend, no. Just a lot of close friends. The Interviewer: So umm, now back to the show. How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base? Joey: Really? Me? Wow! I don’t even know any huge gay people! [Cut to the gng.] Chandler: It hurts me. It physically hurts me. [Cut to the interview.] The Interviewer: Now, off the record, you’re not… [Another group of flashbacks begin with Episode 513: The One With Joey’s Bag. Joey is carrying the bag and has entered Central Perk to the amusement of Ross and Chandler.] Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book! Ross: Your make-up! [The next one is from Episode 712: The One Where They’re Up All Night, Joey and Ross are deciding how to climb down the final part of the fre escape.] Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face. Joey: I think face to face. Ross: I would say that. Joey: Face to face, yeah! Ross: Okay, here I go. Joey: All right. (Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey’s chest.) Joey: (grunting) Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?! Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little holiday weight. (Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey’s torso, but that doesn’t work very well and he’s forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross’s crotch.) Joey: Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we thought it all the way through. [The next one is from Episode 722: The One With Chandler’s Dad.] [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.] Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.) Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he’s got panties on.) How much of a man am I?! Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut. [The next one is from Episode 608: The One With Ross’s Teeth, Chandler is accusing Joey of becoming less of a man.] Chandler: You’re turning into a woman. Joey: No I’m not. Why would you say that? That’s just mean. Chandler: Now I’ve upset you? What did I say? Joey: It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it… Oh My God, I’m a woman!!! [The next one is from Episode 706: The One With The Nap Partners.] [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.] Joey: Great nap. Ross: It really was. (Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gng staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gng.) [Cut to the interview.] Joey: Uh me? Gay? No! No. No, but I have a number of close friends who are. (Chandler and Ross look at each other.) The Interviewer: So, let’s talk about women. I’m sure our female readers will be interested to know about your romantic life. [Another series of flashbacks begins with Episode 413: The One With Rachel’s Crush, Joey is telling Rachel and Phoebe how he picks up women.] Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin’?" Phoebe: Oh, please! Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin’? (Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.) [The next one is from Episode 605: The One With Joey's Porsche.] [Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.] Joey: Hey! How you doin’? Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there! Joey: I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.) [The next one is from Episode 613: The One With Rachel’s Sister, Chandler has just opened the door to reveal a woman standing there.] Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister. Rachel: Oh my God, Jill! Jill: Oh my God, Rachel! (They run and hug each other.) Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us! Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.) Jill: Hi! Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross! Ross: Hi Jill. Rachel: And that’s Phoebe (points), and that’s Joey. Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin’? Rachel: Don’t!! (Joey backs away frightened.) [The final one is from Episode 607: The One Where Phoebe Runs, Joey has been trying to repel Janice and sees it’s not working to his liking so he’s confronting her about the sexual tension.] Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you. Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on. Janine: I don't think so. Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin? Janine: I'm okay. Joey: What?!?! Oh dear God! [Cut to the interview.] Joey: Not much to tell there I’m really shy. (The gng is confused.) The Interviewer: So, that’s it. I guess that’s all I need. Thank you so much. I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month. Joey: Oh great! Great! Thank you. (They shake hands.) The Interviewer: Bye. Joey: Bye-bye. (The interviewer leaves and he sits down with the rest of the gng.) I did it! Rachel: Yeah! Ross: Amazing! Amazing! The Interviewer: (returning) Oh wait! I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this. Other than Days of Our Lives, what’s your favorite soap opera? Joey: Oh, I don’t watch soap operas. Excuse me, I have a life, y’know? (The gng is disappointed.) The Interviewer: Thank you. The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to hear that. Joey: Oh, good to know. (The interviewer leaves.) So close! Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is reading Joey’s interview.] Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe they didn’t put it in the part where you said you didn’t watch soap operas. Joey: Yeah, I called the lady about that. I told her I was just joking. She was pretty nice about that. Monica: You slept with her didn’t you? Joey: Little bit, yeah. Ross: Wow! This picture of you sure is steamy. Joey: Oh yeah, that’s just a little something for my huge gay fan base. (Winks at him.) Ross: Did you just wink at me? Joey: Hey, you’re the one that loves the picture. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x19 - The One With Joey\u2019s Interview"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for Rachel’s baby shower.] Rachel: (entering) Hi! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: So what’s the final head count on my baby shower? Phoebe: About twenty, a couple people from work who had something else to do. Monica: Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it. Rachel: What?! You mean they’re not coming to a social event where there’s no men and there’s no booze?! That’s shocking! I don’t care, as long as my mom’s here. Monica: Oh my God, your mother! Rachel: What?! My mom’s not gonna be here?! Monica: Well, given that we forgot to invite her it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was. Rachel: My God! Monica: Well it wasn’t my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations! Phoebe: Well I don’t, I don’t have a mother so often I forget that other people… Monica: (interrupting her) Oh give it a rest! Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?! Phoebe: No. (Pause) Neither is mine. Monica: Okay, y’know what? Don’t worry, okay? We’ll take care of it. We’ll call her. Just go home and get ready. Rachel: Please, make sure she comes. It’s really important to me, I mean it’s my mom! Phoebe: I know. I know, what’s her number? Rachel: I don’t know. Monica: Go! I have it in my book. Go! (Rachel leaves and Monica calls Mrs. Green.) (To Phoebe) Wait a minute! If you’re in charge of the invitations why am I the one who has to call her—Hello Mrs. Green! Hi, it’s Monica Geller. Mrs. Green: Oh, hello Monica. Monica: (on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but we’ve decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today. Mrs. Green: I know, my daughter’s told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago. Monica: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m-I’m so sorry. Mrs. Green: For what dear? For not inviting me or lying about it? Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh my God, my ass is sweating! (on phone) Please! Please! Can you come? It’s today at four. Mrs. Green: Well all right. I’ll see you at four. Monica: Thank you. (Hangs up.) Phoebe: Isn’t it at three? Monica: Son of a bitch! (Calls Mrs. Green again.) Opening Credits [Scene: Joey's Apartment, Joey is reading a script as Ross and Chandler enter carrying a basketball.] Chandler: Hey Joe! You wanna sh*t some hoops? Joey: Oh no, I can’t go. I’m practicing; I got an audition to be the host of a new game show. Ross: Oh cool! Chandler: That’s great. Joey: Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day I’ll (In a sexy voice) Dr. Drake Remoray, but by night I’ll be (In an announcer’s voice) Joey Trrrribbiani! Chandler: You’ll be perfect for this! That’s already your name! Joey: But the audition’s in a couple hours and I don’t even understand the game. Ross: Well do you want some help? Joey: Oh really? That’d be great! You guys can be the contestants! Ross: Awesome! Chandler: Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time. Joey: (announcer voice) All right! Let’s play Bamboozled! Chandler: Bamboozled? Joey: Yeah, isn’t that a cool name? Ross: (simultaneously with Chandler) Yeah! Chandler: (simultaneously with Ross) No! Joey: All right. Uhh, okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don’t you tell us a little something about you Ross? Ross: Well uh, I-I’m a paleontologist. Umm, I-I live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! (Waves.) And uh… Joey: I said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you Chandler? Chandler: Well Joey, I’m a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.) Joey: Excellent! Let’s play Bamboozled! Chandler, you’ll go first. What is the capital of Columbia? Chandler: Bogota. Joey: It’s Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango card. Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango card do? Joey: I should know that. Let’s see, just one moment please. Umm, here we are, a Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower. Chandler: Higher or lower than what? Joey: This is embarrassing. (Looks it up.) Chandler: (To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is? Ross: I’m sorry, I don’t believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel’s baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are working in the kitchen.] Phoebe: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five. That’s good right? Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate! Phoebe: What? He’s gonna be dressed as a baby! (Mrs. Green enters.) Oh hi Mrs. Green! Monica: Hi! Phoebe: I’m so glad you could make it. Monica: Yes, thank you so much. And again, we’re so sorry. We could not feel worse about it. Mrs. Green: Try. There’s my little girl. (Goes over to Rachel.) Monica: She’s still mad. Phoebe: Yeah I know. Isn’t it great? One less person we have to make small talk with. Monica: Phoebe, Sandra’s mad at you too. It-it doesn’t bother you? Phoebe: No look, we’ve apologized twice! I can’t do anymore than that. I know you hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it. Monica: Okay. I can do that. (Pause) I gotta go powder my ass. [Cut to Rachel and Mrs. Green.] Mrs. Green: Look at that face! Just like when you were in high school! If I didn’t know better I’d say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come on, let’s get some tea. Rachel: Okay. (Mrs. Green helps her up and they walk over and get some tea.) Mrs. Green: Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny yet? Now I don’t want you to use your housekeeper ‘cause it would just split her focus. Rachel: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I don’t even have a housekeeper. Mrs. Green: It’s like you’re a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don’t know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay. Rachel: Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca. (I think that’s your mother’s crazy.) Mrs. Green: Such a sweet woman. Rachel: Well, however great she was I just can’t afford that. Mrs. Green: Oh Rachel! Rachel: What? Mrs. Green: I just had the greatest idea! I’m gonna come live with you! Rachel: Wh-wh-what? What? Mrs. Green: Oh, I’m so happy I’m gonna do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes. Rachel: Yes. Yes I do. [Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing Bamboozled.] Joey: All right Ross you’re in the lead, would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem? Ross: The wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, I’ll take another question. Joey: Okay, this is gonna be tough. Hold your breath. Ross: It’s okay, I’m ready. Joey: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until you’re ready to answer the question. Chandler: This is ridiculous, he’s not gonna hold his breath… (Ross cuts him off by taking a deep breath and holding it.) Joey: Okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia, Tris…Holy cow, that’s a big word. Trisc… Seriously look at this thing. Chandler, how do you say that? Chandler: Let me see that. Joey: This one right here. (Ross whines.) Chandler: Triscadecaphobia. Ross: (exhaling) The fear of Triscuts! Joey: No! No, fear of the number 13. Chandler: Fear of Triscuts? Ross: It’s possible, they have really sharp edges. Joey: All right Chandler, you’re up. Ross: Wait a minute, I-I believe I’m entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn? Chandler: This game makes no sense! Ross: Y’know what? You’re just upset because you’re losing. Chandler: Oh come on Ross, I think we’re all losers here. Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card. Chandler: Let me think. Let me think—Oh! I don’t care. Joey: You-you must choose Mr. Bing. Chandler: Either, it makes no difference. Joey: Choose, you jackass! Chandler: I’ll take a card. Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Ross’s points! Ross: What?! Chandler: This game is kinda fun. Ross: (To Chandler) You don’t think it’s a little crazy that you get all my points just ‘cause you… Chandler: I don’t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower is continuing as Rachel walks over to Monica and Phoebe.] Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?! Monica: What? Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby. Phoebe: For how long? Rachel: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing. Monica: I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me. Phoebe: She can’t hear you. Rachel: What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do? Phoebe: Well, if you don’t want your mother to move in with you, just tell her. Rachel: You’re right. You’re right. I mean I’m about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I don’t want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! She’s gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen! Monica: That’s right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you don’t want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer! Rachel: Okay. (She goes over to tell her mother.) Monica: (To Phoebe) This is great! Now she’s gonna be mad at Rachel! Y’know what? And I’m just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had. Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler. All right everybody! It’s time to open the presents! Monica: Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby, because you’re the most important person in this room. And in the world! Mrs. Green: Well uh, I don’t have a gift because I wasn’t invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone’s attention. Phoebe: How about you less important people, let’s open your presents! (Mrs. Green goes into the kitchen and Rachel follows her.) Rachel: Mom that’s okay that you didn’t get you a gift! Mrs. Green: Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me. Rachel: Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own. Mrs. Green: Sweetheart I know you’re gonna be terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning. Rachel: But mom, I really know what I’m doing. I can handle this. Mrs. Green: Really? Remember Twinkles? Rachel: He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby! Phoebe: Okay, come on Rach it’s present time! Y’know you’re the glue that’s holding this whole party together. It’s kinda falling apart here. Mrs. Green: Oh look. Rachel: Wow! Phoebe: Okay, this is from your friend at work. Rachel: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (She’s holding an item with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That can’t be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby? Mrs. Green: Darling, that’s a breast pump! Rachel: Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. Oh wow! What’s this? Woman: It’s a diaper genie. Rachel: Oh, it dispenses clean diapers! Woman: No! It’s where you put the dirty ones! Rachel: Well that’s gross, why don’t you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster? Mrs. Green: Oh you’re gonna do that ten times a day? Rachel: What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?! Mrs. Green: No dear, that’s what babies do. Monica: Rachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart. Mrs. Green: Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you’re trotting out to the garbage ten times a day? Rachel: I don’t know, I’d leave it on the changing table? (Everyone gasps.) What?! What’d I do? What’d I do?! Mrs. Green: You can’t leave a baby alone! Rachel: Oh come—(Stutters)—Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who would—she wouldn’t be safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Y’know what? I think opening the presents right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, I’m just gonna maybe open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful. Woman: It’s actually a bassinet. Rachel: Okay mommy, don’t ever leave me. (Hugs her.) Commercial Break [Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing the game only everyone is really into it.] Joey: (To Chandler) In what John Houston film would you hear this line, "Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!" Chandler: Treasure of the Sierra Madre! Joey: Correct! There’s a possible backwards bonus! Chandler: Madre Sierra the of Treasure! Joey: Yes! Chandler: I’d like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please. Joey: Wise choice, how many rungs? Chandler: Six! Joey: (makes a sound like a monkey) That noise can only me one thing. Chandler: (disappointed and simultaneously as Ross) Hungry monkey. Ross: (excited and simultaneously as Chandler) Hungry monkey! (To Chandler) Haaa! (To Joey) I’d like a Wicked Wango card! Joey: Okay, it’s an audio question, name this television theme song. (Starts humming the theme to I Dream of Genie.) Ross: (thinking) Oh. (Pause) Oh! Oh my God! Okay, I know this, give me-give me a second! Chandler: Tell it to the Time Turtle! Ross: Shut up! I Dream of Genie! Joey: Yes! Yes, you’re back in the lead! Ross: I’d like to spin the wheel! (Joey makes a sound like a game show wheel spinning with the pointer bouncing off of the bars on the wheel as it slows and comes to a stop.) Chandler: (annoyed) Oh come on!! Joey: All right! All right! Uh, umm, Super-Speedy Speed round! Ross: Is there a hopping bonus? Joey: Of course! (Ross gets up and starts to hop on one leg.) Joey: Who invented bifocals? Ross: Ben Franklin. Joey: Correct! Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest? Ross: Queen Victoria. Joey: Correct again! But, you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus! Ross: Noooo!!! Every time!!! Joey: Now, over to Chandler. Chandler: I’d like a Google Card. Joey: Are you sure? Chandler: Yes! (Pause) No! (Pause) Google! Joey: Oh my God! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, you’ve been Bamboozled! Chandler: Nooo!! Ross: Yeah!! Chandler: This is the best game ever!!! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower has ended and everyone except for Mrs. Green have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up.] Rachel: So umm, you’re gonna stay with me as long as I need you? Mrs. Green: Of course I am! Rachel: Oh mom, I swear I’m not an idiot. I’ve read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didn’t think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The baby’s coming and I don’t know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie? Mrs. Green: No. Sweetie, you’re gonna be fine. (Starts to get up.) Rachel: Wait-wait where are you going? Where are you going? Mrs. Green: I’m going to the bathroom. Rachel: Okay. Mrs. Green: Now don’t worry! Everything’s gonna be okay. (Hugs Rachel while she is standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica decides to join in on the hugging by hugging Mrs. Green from behind her back.) Monica: It is going to be okay! (Mrs. Green glances over her shoulder and glares at Monica while she heads for the bathroom.) It was worth a sht. Ross: (entering, out of breath) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty? Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler! (Flexes in victory while everyone stares at him.) Which is not uh sexual thing. That was a quick shower. Phoebe: Not if you were here. Ross: Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good stuff. Rachel: Oh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all. Ross: (excited) A Play-Dough Barber Shop? Rachel: No. She’s going to live with us for eight weeks. Ross: Uh, what? Rachel: Yes! She’s gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that Ross isn’t happy.) Ross: What—You’re not serious. I mean she’s a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. She’ll drive us totally crazy. Mrs. Green: (entering from bathroom) Hi Ross! Ross: Hi roomie! (Hugs her and looks at Rachel.) [Scene: Joey’s Audition, Joey is being shown in.] Man: Hey Joey, hi! I’m Ray; I’m the producer of the show. Joey: (announcer voice) It’s a pleasure to meet you Ray. Ray: And this is Duncan (points to the cameraman) and Erin, they’re gonna help us out with the audition. So uh, let’s get the camera rolling. Joey: (announcer voice) Rightie-O Ray! Ray: Whenever you’re ready. Joey: (to the camera) Hello, I’m Joey Tribbiani! Let’s play Bamboozled! Erin, you get the first question! In hockey, who is known as The Great One? Erin: Wayne Gretzky. Joey: Correct! Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem? Ray: Uh Joey, didn’t your agents give you the revised rules? We’ve eliminated all of that. No wheel, no cards. Joey: What—Why?! Ray: Uh well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didn’t follow it. Joey: Well what’s complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! You’re in Paradise Pond! Ray: Yeah all that’s gone. It’s basically just a simple question and answer game now. Joey: Well what’s fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that’s just people standing around answering questions? Ray: Well, there’ll be women in bikinis holding up the scores. Joey: (announcer voice to the camera) Let’s play Bamboozled! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mrs. Green is telling Ross what needs to be done to baby proof his apartment.] Mrs. Green: …and all those dinosaur nick-knacks you have Ross, I thought they might be more at home in the garage. Ross: Well we…we don’t have a garage. Mrs. Green: Did I say garage? I meant garbage. Ross: Y’know what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, it’s not absolutely vital that you live with us. Mrs. Green: Well Rachel needs help with the baby. Rachel: I do. I really do. I don’t know anything. Ross: I’m-I’m sure that’s not true. Rachel: Oh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know anything about babies? Phoebe: No, not a thing. Monica: It’s frightening. Ross: Well uh, y’know what? Even if she doesn’t know anything, I do! I have a son. And his mother and I didn’t live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself. Mrs. Green: That’s true. You do have another child. Ross: Yeah. Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no control Ross? Ross: That’s a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I will be there to…to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want to do all those things. Mrs. Green: Well then you really don’t need me to live with you. Ross: Yes! Yes, you’re gonna be so missed. Mrs. Green: You’re gonna be a great father. Ross: Well you’re gonna be a wonderful grandma. (They hug.) Rachel: Hello?! I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing! Ross: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. You’ll—you’re gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesn’t believe that.) Hey! You will! Uh look, y’know when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddy’s credit card. Do you remember? Rachel: I hope you’re going somewhere with this. Ross: Look at you! What—You’re-you’re this big executive! You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt you’re gonna be an incredible mother. Rachel: Really? Ross: I’m telling you. Rachel: Thank you. (Hugs him.) Mrs. Green: All right you two, I’m gonna get going. Ross: Oh. (Rachel and he start to stand up.) Mrs. Green: Oh no-no-no-no sweetheart, you stay put. I’ll let myself out. It’s like I’m not here, which I almost wasn’t. Monica: (laughs) You’re still so funny. You’re so funny. (To Phoebe) What do I do? Phoebe: Nothing! You have apologized to her like a million times and she’s been nothing but terrible to you. And don’t forget you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasn’t even thanked you for it. Monica: Y’know what? You’re-you’re right. Phoebe: Yeah I mean if you want to say anything to her, I’d tell her off. Monica: Really? Phoebe: Uh-huh! Monica: Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! (She ignores Monica and Monica follows her out into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to leave a party without saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasn’t on purpose! But what you’re during to me now is just plain spiteful! Mrs. Green: Spiteful?! Monica: That’s right! Maybe it’s time you took a good hard look at a mirror young lady…old lady…lady! Phoebe: (To Monica) Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up… Monica: So whenever you’re ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day! (Monica and Phoebe reenter the apartment and Monica closes the door on a stunned Mrs. Green.) I can’t feel my legs! Phoebe: You were fantastic! I’m so proud of you! Monica: Yeah? I’m proud of me too. Phoebe: You should be! Monica: Yeah could-could-could you get me something to drink? Phoebe: You got it! Monica: Okay. (When Phoebe turns around Monica runs out into the hall after Mrs. Green.) Mrs. Green! Okay I’m really sorry!! I’m apologizing for the—(She trips and falls down the stairs.) (Pause) Okay, I bit my tongue, but I’m still really sorry! Closing Credits [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is helping Rachel study for when the baby comes.] Rachel: (closing a book) Okay! I’m ready. Ross: You sure? Rachel: Yes, I’ve done my studying and I really know my stuff. Ross: All right then. (Gets up, in an announcer’s voice) Rachel Green! Let’s play Bamboozled! (Reading from a note card.) How do you test the temperature of the baby’s bath water? Rachel: Uh, put your elbow in it. Ross: Excellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap? Rachel: Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers. Ross: That’s correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the baby makes this sound? (Makes a sound like someone is choking a cat.) Rachel: Check if it’s wet, check if it’s hungry, burp it! Ross: Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked Wango card? Rachel: A card! A card! I pick a card! Ross: Oh, I’m sorry you’ve been Bamboozled! You’re gonna be a terrible mother! (Rachel stares at him agape.) I’ve lost sight of why we’re doing this! (Rachel gets up and walks away.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x20 - The One With The Baby Shower"}	foreverdreaming
Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Story by: Dana Klein Borkow Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Monica as Ross enters carrying a huge stack of newspapers.] Ross: Hey you guys I got some bad news. (He sets the stack of papers down on the table.) Phoebe: Well that’s no way to sell newspapers. Why don’t you try, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" Ross: No, Monica’s restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. (They all gasp.) I didn’t want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find. (He hands the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.) Joey: Man, this is bad! And I’ve had my share of bad reviews. I still remember my first good one though. (Quoting) "Everything else in this production of Our Town was simply terrible. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal." Monica: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey. Monica: (seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers! It must be a good review! Is it great?! Ross: Umm… Monica: (reading) Oh dear God! Ross: But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know. Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?! Ross: Yeah, they all know. Monica: Oh my God, this is horrible! Chandler: I’m so sorry. Monica: I’m so humiliated! Rachel: Yeah but y’know what they say Mon, "There’s no such thing as bad press." Monica: You don’t think that umm, (reading) "The chef’s Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad press? Rachel: I didn’t write it. Monica: Is he right? Am I really—Am I awful? All: No! Joey: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And I’m not just saying this because I’m your friend, I’m sayin’ it ‘cause it’s the truth. You’re food is abysmal! Opening Credits [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, it’s late at night, Rachel is sitting on the couch in the dark wide-awake as Ross walks to the bathroom.] Rachel: Ross! Ross: (startling him) What?! What? Rachel: I am freaking out! Ross: Are ya? Rachel: My due date is in one week! Ross: What are you doing up? Rachel: That is seven days! Ross: Okay look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this after… Rachel: (interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper service! Ross: It’s funny you should mention diapers. Rachel: I’m serious. Ross: Okay look, there’s nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. There’s a great baby furniture store on west 10th. Tomorrow, we will go there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay? Rachel: Okay. Thank you. That’s great. Thank you. Wait-wait! Where on west 10th? Because there’s this really cute shoe store that has like this little… Ross: (interrupting her) Okay. Okay. If uh, if you’re gonna do this, then I’m gonna do that. (Points to the bathroom.) So… (Starts for the bathroom.) Rachel: (stopping him) Oh, wait Ross! I’m sorry, one more thing! Ross: (annoyed) Yeah! Rachel: Umm, our situation. Y’know umm, what we mean to each other. And I mean we-we’re having this baby together, and we live together. Isn’t that, isn’t that weird? Ross: (stunned) (thinks) Well uh… Rachel: I’m just kidding! You can go pee! (He does so in a hurry.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is cooking as Chandler looks on. Joey: (entering) Hey uh Monica, I can’t remember. Did we say we were gonna meet here or at the movies? Monica: We said at the movies, but… Joey: Okay, I’ll see you there. (Starts to leave) Monica: Joey! (He returns) Now that you’re here… Joey: Sure, I can hang out ‘til I have to meet ya. (To Chandler) What uh—How come you’re not going? Chandler: I have a job interview I have to get ready for. Joey: I thought you already have a job. Chandler: And people say you don’t pay attention. No, this is a much better job. It’s vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies. Joey: Wow! How do you know how to do that?! Chandler: That’s what I do now. Monica: Hey Joey, come taste this. Joey: What is it? Monica: Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well… (Feeds him a spoonful of what she’s cooking.) I’m getting my revenge! Joey: You cooked him? Monica: No. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bollet base again. Oh, I cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! "Restaurant reviewer admits: I was wrong about Monica." Chandler: The front page? You really do live in your own little world, don’t ya? [Scene: The Baby Furniture Store, Ross and Rachel are checking out.] Cashier: Do you uh, want these things delivered Mr. and Mrs. Geller? Rachel: Oh. Ross: Oh. Rachel: No-no-no! No, no, no, we’re not married. Ross: We are having a baby together, but we’re not involved. (The cashier, a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at him angrily) Or, yes stranger, we’d like this delivered please. Cashier: Why don’t you fill out this address card. (Hands him one.) Ross: Oh, okay. Cashier: I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items. Rachel: Oh yeah! Actually, that’s one of the reasons why we’re not a couple. Ross: I chose those, I’m a paleontologist. Cashier: Really?! That is so cool! Rachel: Oh. Oh yeah, don’t get to worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds like he’s a doctor, but he’s not. Cashier: Oh no-no, I’m fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book? Ross: Yeah! I-I teach it in my class. Rachel: Oh my God! I’m standing at a cash register, holding a credit card, and I’m bored. Cashier: (looking at the completed address card) Oh, I love your neighborhood. There’s a great gym right around the corner from your building. Ross: That’s my gym. Cashier: I can tell you work out. (Ross is please and Rachel looks at him confused.) A paleontologist who works out, you’re like Indiana Jones. (Rachel has a disbelieving look on her face.) Ross: I am like Indiana Jones. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go? Rachel: Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something that wasn’t on the list. A whore. Phoebe: What?! Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirting with him. Phoebe: Well did she know you two weren’t married? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders! Rachel: You don’t understand! You didn’t see how brazen she was. Phoebe: Sounds like you’re a little jealous. Rachel: No! I’m not! I-I-I just think it’s wrong! It’s-it’s that I’m—Here I am about to pop and he’s out picking up some shop girl at Sluts ‘R’ Us! Phoebe: Is that a real place? (Rachel’s stunned) Are they hiring? Chandler: (entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel) Fatty! Phoebe: Hey Chandler, why so fancy? Chandler: Well, I got a job interview. It’s kinda a big deal too. Its a lot more money and I’d be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring. Phoebe: Wait, I think I know someone who does that. Chandler: Me! I do that. So… Seriously, do I look okay? I’m little nervous. Rachel: Oh yeah! You really—You look great. Phoebe: Yeah, just don’t get your hopes up. Chandler: Why not? Phoebe: Well, the interview… Chandler: What about it? Phoebe: Y’know! You don’t make a very good first impression. Chandler: (shocked) What?! Phoebe: Oh you don’t know. Chandler: Are you serious?! Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh! Chandler: What is it that I do? Phoebe: Well it’s just like you’re trying too hard. Always making jokes, y’know, you just—You come off a little needy. Chandler: (To Rachel) Did you like me when we first met? Rachel: Chandler, I’m not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. (Gets up and hurries out.) [Scene: The New School, Monica, carrying her dish, and Joey are confronting the food critic.] Monica: Hi! Umm, I’m Monica Geller, I’m the chef at Alessandro’s. The Food Critic: Still? Monica: I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would like for you to give my boule base another chance. The Food Critic: I don’t see any reason why I would do that to myself again. Joey: Either eat it, or be in it. Monica: Spoon? (Hands him one and he tastes it.) So, what do you think? The Food Critic: I’m torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks out.) Joey: Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of here; there’s a new class comin’ in. (They start to leave.) The Cooking Teacher: Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bournese sauce? (No one can.) Monica: I can. The Cooking Teacher: Okay, go ahead. Monica: Well umm, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but a bournese has shallots, shirvel, and most importantly teradyne. The Cooking Teacher: That’s very good, what’s your name? Monica: Monica. The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the head of the class. Monica: Okay. (Does so.) [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are unpacking and setting up their new purchases.] Rachel: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life? Ross: My son? Pretty serious. (There’s a knock on the door and Ross answers it.) Oh hey Katie! (The cashier from before) What uh, what are you doing here? Katie: Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A blanket.) Ross: Ah, must’ve been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store. Katie: Listen, to be honest, home deliveries are really a part of my job description. Ross: Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.) Katie: Oh uh…I actually came here to ask you out. Ross: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. I’m just gonna put this (The money) back in my pocket, pretend that didn’t happen. Uh yeah, actually I’m free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or… Katie: Sure! Rachel: Horny bitch. (They both look at her, pretending that the dinosaurs she’s holding are arguing.) No! You’re a horny bitch! Noooo! You’re the horny bitch! No! You’re a horny bitch! Commercial Break [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, continued from before.] Rachel: So you guys go, have a really good time. Ross: (To Katie) Yeah, I’m just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. (Katie looks worried.) Y’know because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not because I’m-I’m into S&M. (Katie’s worried again.) I’m not-I’m not into anything weird. Y’know? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is uncomfortable.) So, I’m gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel alone.) Rachel: So, you had a good day huh? Big commission; picked up a daddy. Katie: Are you okay with this? Rachel: Oh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have fun. Katie: Okay. It was nice to see you. Rachel: Oh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you missed a button. Katie: Oh umm, actually I umm… Rachel: Oh okay, I see what you’re doing there. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are entering.] Chandler: I can’t even believe this! I really come off that badly? Phoebe: Oh! It’s okay, you calm down after a while and then people can see how really sweet and wonderful you really are. Chandler: Oh good. Good, because I’m sure this interview is gonna last a couple of weeks. Phoebe: All right, don’t freak out! Okay? I-I will help you. How long before you have to leave? Chandler: An hour. Phoebe: I can’t help you. Chandler: Phoebe! Phoebe: All right, all right, we’ll just do our best. Okay? So let’s say I’m the interviewer and I’m meeting you for the first time. Okay. "Hi! Come on in, I’m uh, Regina Philange." Chandler: Chandler Bing. Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name. Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. (Pause) I’ll let myself out. [Scene: The Cooking Class, Joey is trying to cook as the teacher walks over to him.] Joey: Hi. The Cooking Teacher: Your Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all your cheese? Joey: When you say used, do you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack? The Cooking Teacher: And the cream? Joey: Cheese makes me thirsty. The Cooking Teacher: Okay. Let’s move on. Joey: All right. The Cooking Teacher: (To Monica) Oh! Something smells good over at Monica’s station! (She tries Monica’s fettuccini.) Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing! You’ve never made this before? Monica: Oh no! I don’t know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone what it’s called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles. The Cooking Teacher: Well, hats off to the chef. Monica: I-I-I’m sorry, your-your mouth was full, I didn’t hear what you said. Umm, hats off to who now? The Cooking Teacher: The chef! Monica: That’s right. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are still working on his interviewing techniques.] Chandler: …I think you’ll find if I come to work here, I don’t micro-manage. I don’t shy away from delegating. Phoebe: Um-hmm, that’s good to know. But let’s stop focusing on what you don’t do, and start focusing on what you do do. Chandler: (suppressing a smile) What I do do…is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me. Phoebe: I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way. Chandler: Hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Phoebe: You gotta go! Chandler: Oh! (Stands up.) Phoebe: Okay, don’t worry. You’re ready. Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Absolutely! Just fight all your natural instincts and you’ll be great. Chandler: Okay. [Scene: The Cooking Class, everyone has finished baking a batch of cookies and the teacher is going around tasting them.] The Cooking Teacher: Ah Monica, my star student. Monica: Y’know, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me the star. (Hands it to her.) The Cooking Teacher: (tasting the cookie and with her mouthful) Oh, yum-yum-yum. (Hands the star back.) Monica: Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and I’m sorry, but I don’t care. (The teacher goes to Joey’s station.) The Cooking Teacher: Okay Joey, you’re up next. (Tries one of his cookies.) This are good! This is amazing! You get an A! Joey: I can an A? In-in school? (To Joey) Hey, I’m a dork. Monica: Joey! I’m so proud of you! The Cooking Teacher: I think you should give him your star. Monica: Excuse me? He doesn’t even know what he’s doing! The Cooking Teacher: We’re all beginners here. Nobody knows what they’re doing. Monica: I do! I’m a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax! It’s not a courtroom drama! The Cooking Teacher: If you’re a professional chef, what are you doing taking Introduction to Cooking? Joey: Yeah! Monica: I’m-I’m sorry, it’s just that umm… Well I-I cook at this restaurant, Alessandro’s, and umm I just got a really bad review… The Cooking Teacher: Oh Alessandro’s! I love that place! Monica: You do? The Cooking Teacher: Oh yes! You’re an excellent chef! As a person you’re a little… Monica: Oh, I’m totally crazy, but you-you like the food? The Cooking Teacher: Very much. Monica: Okay then, I don’t stink. I’m a good chef. Okay. (Starts to leave.) Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I don’t want to go. I’m having fun. The Cooking Teacher: Well actually, did either of you pay for this class? Joey: Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says it’s time to go, it’s time to go. (Starts to leave, but comes back for his cookies.) [Scene: An Office Building, Chandler is on his interview.] Chandler: …also I was the point person on my company’s transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system. The Interviewer: You must’ve had your hands full. Chandler: That I did. That I did. The Interviewer: So let’s talk a little bit about your duties. Chandler: (nervous) My duties? (Trying not to crack a joke) All right. The Interviewer: Now you’ll be heading a whole division, so you’ll have a lot of duties. Chandler: (trying not to laugh) I see. The Interviewer: But there’ll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can dump a certain amount on them. Chandler: (really try not to laugh) Good to know. The Interviewer: We can go into detail… Chandler: No don’t I beg of you! The Interviewer: All right then, we’ll have a definite answer for you on Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, you’ll fit in well here. Chandler: (relieved) Really?! The Interviewer: Absolutely. (They walk to the door.) You can relax; you did great. Chandler: Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y’know I’ve been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesn’t understand) Duties. (Still doesn’t.) Duties! (Still doesn’t.) Poo. (Still doesn’t.) The Interviewer: Poo? Chandler: Oh my God this doesn’t count! Okay? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! There’s a crazy guy out in the hall! The Interviewer: Poo?! Chandler: I’ll look forward to your call. (Walks away.) [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his date.] Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hi! You’re back from your date! Ross: How are you? Rachel: I’m fine, but that’s not important. What’s important is how was she? Ross: Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee. Rachel: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table. Ross: What’s uh, what’s going on? Do you not, do you not like Katie? Rachel: No! No, she’s—She was nice. I mean, she’s a little slutty, but who isn’t? Ross: I liked her. Rachel: Of course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones! Ross: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?! Rachel: No! It’s just that, Kate bothered me. Ross: Why? What was wrong with her? Rachel: There was nothing wrong with her! All right? She was perfectly lovely! Ross: Okay, so what’s the matter? Rachel: I don’t want you to date her! Ross: (laughs) Why? What, what are you jealous? Rachel: Yes! And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I don’t want you to go out with anybody! Okay? I know it’s a terrible thing to even think this, and it’s completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beck and call 24 hours a day! I’m very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel. Ross: Okay. Rachel: What?! Ross: I won’t date. I’ll uh, I’ll be here, with you, all the time. Rachel: Really? But I’m being so unreasonable. Ross: True, but you’re allowed to be unreasonable. You’re having our baby. (Pause.) Rachel: (starting to cry) Oh Ross, thank you. Thank you. (They hug.) Ross: Do you feel better? Rachel: No, not really. You’re pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry. (She gets up and starts for the bathroom.) Ross: Uh Rach? Rachel: Yeah. (Stops and starts doing the I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom dance.) Ross: Just one thing umm… Rachel: Uh-huh. Ross: We live together. You’re having our baby. I’m not gonna see anybody else. Are you-are you sure you don’t want something more? Rachel: (pause) Wow! I don’t know, maybe. I’m… Ross: Oh-oh, Rach! I was just messin’ around! (She’s stunned) Like you did last night when I had to pee? Rachel: (laughs) I knew that! I knew that! I was just messin’ with you too! Ross: (pause) Okay. Okay. Because for a minute you said you… Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no, no! Ross: …that you actually… Rachel: No that’s just—(Laughs)—That’s just ‘cause I’m such a good messer! (They both laugh. Ross sits down, but Rachel doesn’t move and is lost in thought.) Ross: Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Ross: The bathroom? Rachel: Right! (Heads for the bathroom.) Closing Credits [Scene: The New School, Joey and Monica are walking down a hallway.] Joey: Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that’s the first A I’ve gotten since seventh grade, and I didn’t have to sleep with the teacher this time. Monica: Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself? Joey: What the hell! Monica: Okay. (They enter.) The Acting Teacher: All right, let’s start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is? (No one can and Monica looks at Joey expectantly.) Joey: Yeah, this was a stupid idea. (Exits.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x21 - The One With The Cooking Class"}	foreverdreaming

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