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2.01 - Sadie, Sadie
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino
[OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW]
[Camera pans around the center of town, which is covered in yellow daisies. Lorelai and Rory are crossing the street.]
RORY: You should get married in Italy.
LORELAI: All the way from home, same topic. There's tons of stuff going on in the world. Big stuff.
RORY: Like?
LORELAI: Balkans.
RORY: That was ages ago. Read a paper.
LORELAI: Ugh. They make my hands black.
RORY: Oh! You should walk down the aisle to Frank Sinatra with a huge bouquet of something that smells really good.
LORELAI: Pot Roast.
RORY: And you should wear a long veil with your hair up.
LORELAI: Ugh, I'll take any other subject in the world for two hundred Alex.
RORY: Why don't you want to think about this?
LORELAI: Because I haven't made my mind up about the yes or no part, so I don't want to start fantasizing about dresses and flowers or doves and tulle until I do, so please change the subject.
RORY: I think the bridesmaids should be able to pick their own dresses.
LORELAI: You know how on All in the Family when Edith would be yapping about something and Archie would pretend to make a noose and hang himself or sh**t himself in the head?
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: I don't know. Something about this moment just made me think of that.
RORY: Fine, I'm done. I'm taking these to Lane.
LORELAI: Okay. Meet me at Luke's.
RORY: Oh, get me a paper please.
LORELAI: But my hands!
[OPENING CREDITS]
[CUT TO LANE'S HOUSE]
[Rory walks in carrying flowers as Lane is arguing with her mother.]
MRS. KIM: No!
LANE: A time frame?
MRS. KIM: No, no more talking.
LANE: But Mama, please just tell me!
MRS. KIM: It's not for you to think about. All under control.
LANE: Just give me a hint.
MRS. KIM: Children will know what their parents think they can handle.
LANE: I'm sorry, was that the hint?
MRS. KIM: I have to work. [walks away]
RORY: Hey, I came to bring you some of my mom's flowers.
LANE: Thanks.
RORY: Are you okay?
LANE: No, I'm not okay.
RORY: What's wrong? Did she find your CD burner?
LANE: My mother and father are sending me to Korea for the summer to visit my cousins.
RORY: So?
LANE: They're sending me to Korea and they won't tell me when I'm coming back.
RORY: What do you mean they won't tell you when you're coming back?
LANE: I mean, they bought me a one way ticket. One way! The plane goes there and stops!
RORY: Are you sure?
LANE: I called the airline to confirm it, and my parents were in their room whispering all morning. And when my mother came out, she looked very happy. She was humming. I swear, they're planning to send me Korea for the rest of my life.
RORY: Lane, come on.
LANE: It's gonna be just like that Sally Field movie when her husband took them to Iran and wouldn't let them come back, except that I won't have to keep my head covered.
RORY: Okay, calm down.
LANE: Calm down? Are you listening? I am being shipped off to Korea!
RORY: Yes, I think you're freaking out a little prematurely.
LANE: Oh really?
RORY: Yes, I mean, let's think about this. Maybe there's some deal with the airline and that's why the ticket's one way. Or maybe they haven't worked out the plans with your cousins yet. Or there's a weather consideration or a holiday you don't know about or. . .Wow, I'm really gonna miss you.
MRS. KIM: [calls] Lane, come here please!
LANE: I have to go. You've been a good friend.
[CUT TO NEWSSTAND]
LORELAI: Hey Bootsy.
BOOTSY: So, apparently they sh**t a gland from a pig's head in Ivana Trump's read end twice a month to keep her looking young.
LORELAI: Wow, hope she's not Kosher.
BOOTSY: I don't know, doesn't say here.
[Lorelai buys a paper, then stops to stare at the bridal magazines]
BOOTSY: Hey.
LORELAI: [startled] Hey, what, nothing, what. . .pas?
BOOTSY: You a Leo?
LORELAI: No.
BOOTSY: Thank God. Those guys are screwed this week.
[Lorelai takes one of the Bridal Magazines, starts flipping through it]
RORY: What'cha reading?
LORELAI: Oh God, do not sneak up on a person like that.
RORY: InStyle Weddings. Very interesting.
LORELAI: No, not very interesting.
RORY: Get any ideas?
LORELAI: Yes, we should have cake more often.
RORY: Hey Bootsy, I'll take this.
LORELAI: Oh, no. I just. . .don't. . .
BOOTSY: It's six bucks.
MISS PATTY: Lorelai!
LORELAI: Oh geez.
MISS PATTY: So
.
LORELAI: Hi Patty.
MISS PATTY: InStyle Weddings! You said yes!
LORELAI: Oh no, not yet!
MISS PATTY: Yet! She said yet!
RORY: I know!
LORELAI: I'm right here.
MISS PATTY: He's a good man?
LORELAI: Oh yeah, he's a great man.
MISS PATTY: Oh I love this! I just love this! Have you told Luke?
LORELAI: Well, no, it just happened last night. Oh Patty, stop it. I'll tell him. It's not that big a deal if he just finds out.
MISS PATTY: Well, whatever you say.
LORELAI: Well, uh, it just so happens we are on our way over there now to have some breakfast, and I'll tell Luke them.
MISS PATTY: Be gentle.
LORELAI: Patty, me and Luke are just friends.
MISS PATTY: Just friends. Yes, yes, I know.
LORELAI: It's true.
RORY: Okay lets go.
[Lorelai and Rory start walking towards Luke's. A group of townspeople follow them.]
LORELAI: Well it is.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: What is with this place? Why will nobody believe me?
RORY: They believe you.
LORELAI: No they don't.
RORY: I promise they believe you.
LORELAI: You are pacifying me.
RORY: Just a little.
LORELAI: Well, I don't like it
RORY: I'll see if I can stop.
[They turn around and see all the townspeople behind them.]
LORELAI: I can't wait for the movie theater to reopen.
[CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S DINER]
[Lorelai and Rory sit down. The townspeople press themselves up against the windows.]
LORELAI: Hmm. Let's see, what looks good. I'm so unbelievably hungry I'm gonna have to order breakfast and lunch, crazy huh?
RORY: Mom, go tell him.
LORELAI: I will.
RORY: Now.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Because in five minutes somebody's about to be pushed through that window.
LORELAI: This is crazy. Why is everybody making such a big deal about this?
RORY: Because everyone knows that Luke has a thing for you.
LORELAI: Luke does not have a thing for me.
RORY: Tell him.
LORELAI: Uh, we can barely get through a single conversation without biting each other's heads off.
RORY: Tell him.
LORELAI: Everything about me repulses that man. My coffee drinking, my eating habits. Remember when I called him Ranger Bob last week, he hated that!
RORY: Will you get me a muffin when you're up there?
LORELAI: Okay. God. Fine. [walks over to Luke at the counter] Hey.
LUKE: Fresh coffee will be ready in a minute unless you wanna just roll up a dollar bill and go nuts.
LORELAI: No thanks, I can wait.
LUKE: [sees the people in the window] What the hell's going on with them?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know.
LUKE: Crazy people. Whole town should be medicated and put in a rec room with ping pong tables and hand puppets. What?
LORELAI: Nothing. I. . . well, I have something to tell you. No I have something to share with you actually.
LUKE: To share with me.
LORELAI: Yes, 'cause when exciting things happen in your life, you want to share them with the people in your life who you think will find them exciting, which I think you will.
LUKE: What is it?
LORELAI: Well, it's very. . .
LUKE: Exciting, I've heard. I'm all prepared to jump up and down if necessary.
LORELAI: Okay, here it is. Um, Max has asked me to marry him.
LUKE: Yeah, I figured.
LORELAI: You did?
LUKE: Well, it was obvious. You know, you too were getting kind of close. He was around a lot. Then last night with that life changing thing comment, you know, I put two and two together and figured it out.
LORELAI: Oh.
LUKE: Congratulations by the way.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: You set a date?
LORELAI: No, I haven't answered him yet.
LUKE: You're gonna say yes.
LORELAI: How do you know?
LUKE: Well, you're making a big deal about telling me he proposed.
LORELAI: Uh, I don't think I'm making a big deal.
LUKE: And you wouldn't do that if you weren't gonna say yes.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm sharing something with you. Sharing is not making a big deal, sharing is a nice gesture. Like when you're a kid and you have one of those popsicles and you break it in two and offer half to another kid. That is sharing, that is what I'm doing.
LUKE: You offered me half a popsicle?
LORELAI: Yes. Okay, so now you know.
LUKE: Now I know.
LORELAI: Uh, I guess I'll just have two blueberry muffins and some coffee.
LUKE: Coming right up.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: You know, I think it's good you're doing this.
LORELAI: You do? Good, me too. I mean, not that I'm definitely doing it, but if I do, then it'll be good.
LUKE: Where you gonna live?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Here? Hartford?
LORELAI: Here. I don't know, we haven't talked about it actually.
LUKE: Hartford's probably good, closer to Rory's school.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I guess.
LUKE: Of course, it is a little far from the inn.
LORELAI: Uh, yeah.
LUKE: But who knows how long you'll work after you're married.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
LUKE: Oh, but you probably already talked about that, right?
LORELAI: Uh, no, but I do think he and my father have come to an agreement on how many goats I'm worth.
LUKE: Hey, I'm just talking here. It's great, really. You gonna have more kids?
LORELAI: Hi, personal.
LUKE: I mean, he wants kids right?
LORELAI: In the world? Yes, he wants kids.
LUKE: You haven't talked about that either.
LORELAI: Okay, you know, what we have and have not discussed is none of your business.
LUKE: Joint checking accounts?
LORELAI: Luke!
LUKE: You do know his last name don't you?
LORELAI: I want my popsicle back.
LUKE: Fine, it's your business.
ORELAI: Yes it is. It's my business.
LUKE: Hey, some people go their entire lives without having these kinds of conversations. My parents didn't discuss a damn thing my entire childhood. Worked fine for them. Of course, when my mom died she had to tell my dad where the coupon drawer was. Took him ten years to find it. Used a coffee can the whole time.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: I don't care what anybody says, a coupon can is not as good as a coupon drawer.
LORELAI: How are those muffins coming?
LUKE: But you know what, you might like a coupon can. You never know. Here you go. Two blueberry muffins.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: And congratulations again.
[Lorelai walks back to the table.]
LORELAI: Now what's going on?
RORY: Kirk passed out.
LORELAI: Here's your muffin.
RORY: Thanks. How'd he take it?
LORELAI: Fine, he took it fine.
[CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE]
[Rory and Lorelai pull up out front]
RORY: Are you okay?
LORELAI: Fine, I'm just tied to the emergency break.
RORY: How did you do that?
LORELAI: With a flourish and a big ending. Okay, I got it. Let's go. Oh, my coat.
RORY: It's pretty warm out for a coat.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, it tends to cool off the minute I get in that house.
RORY: You good?
LORELAI: I'm good. My keys.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: They're in the ignition. Okay, I got 'em. Let's go.
RORY: What is wrong with you?
LORELAI: Nothing.
RORY: You got lost coming here.
LORELAI: I took a wrong turn.
RORY: Six times.
LORELAI: Well, my self preservational instincts at work ladies and gentlemen.
RORY: And then the coat and the keys and the . . .
LORELAI: I got stuff on my mind.
RORY: Max stuff?
LORELAI: No, stuff stuff.
RORY: You're lying.
LORELAI: I'm being mysterious. That's what women do.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Oh look, doorbell. Pretty sound.
RORY: You know, you always make me tell you what I'm thinking.
LORELAI: Yes, and the lesson we have learned from that is you should never become a spy.
[Emily opens the door]
EMILY: You're here. Richard, they're here.
RICHARD: [from another room] Wonderful!
EMILY: Come in, come in, come in.
LORELAI: Uh, no.
EMILY: Why?
LORELAI: Because you're scaring Rory.
EMILY: Oh stop that. Get in here. Scaring Rory, you're so silly sometimes. Let's get you a drink. Put your coat down. Oh, and are you hungry? I had Antonia make some Roqueford puffs. Antonia, bring the puffs! Come, sit down, sit down. Richard!
RICHARD: Say nothing until I get there.
EMILY: Well, hurry up!
LORELAI: Mom, what's going on? Ooh, the nails, the nails, the nails.
EMILY: So, tell me what's new with you girls.
LORELAI: Uh, nothing.
RORY: Hey Grandma, what about you? Did something special happen?
EMILY: Well, as a matter of fact. Oh for goodness sake. Richard, dammit!
LORELAI: Mom, why don't you just tell us what's happening now?
EMILY: Oh, all right. I can't wait for your grandfather any longer. Well, you know I'm very good friends with Bitty Charleston, the headmaster's wife.
LORELAI: Mm Hmm.
EMILY: Well, we had this little arrangement where she keeps me aprised of all the goings on at Chilton. You know, she tells me all the gossip on the students and their parents, and any piece of information I might find useful. Well, this afternoon she called to tell me the class list just came out, and Rory has finished in the top three percent!
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: You do? Well, who do you know at Chilton?
LORELAI: Um, Rory.
EMILY: Oh.
RORY: It wasn't definite, but I had a pretty good idea.
[Richard walks in]
RICHARD: Rory, wonderful news. You finished in the top three percent of your class.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, Dad, J. Edgar Hoover over here was just telling us.
RICHARD: What? I told you not to say anything before I got here.
EMILY: Well, you took too long.
LORELAI: No, no, we already knew.
RICHARD: It's a simple request.
EMILY: Just hang up the phone.
LORELAI: Okay, good news either way. Let's all agree on that.
RICHARD: I am immensely proud of you Rory.
EMILY: Yes, we knew you could do it.
RICHARD: Oh, we certainly did.
EMILY: We have to celebrate. Next week we will have a special dinner.
RORY: Grandma, all of your dinners are special.
EMILY: Well, this one will be extra special. We'll make all your favorite foods, and you can invite some of your friends.
RICHARD: There's an excellent chance that presents might be involved.
RORY: You guys do not have to do this.
RICHARD: For the top three percent?
EMILY: We most certainly do.
RICHARD: You start late, have to catch up, and by the end of the year, you've overtaken everyone. A true Gilmore.
EMILY: Through and through.
ANTONIA: Dinner is ready.
EMILY: Thank you Antonia. Shall we?
RICHARD: Ah ah ah ah, after the top 3 percent in her class.
RORY: Well, thank you very much.
LORELAI: Uh, just go ahead and Start without me. I gotta check in at the inn. Michel's there by himself, people could die.
EMILY: Well, hurry up.
[Lorelai dials her cell phone and walks out onto the back patio.]
MAX: Hello?
LORELAI: Where are we gonna live?
MAX: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Where are we gonna live?
MAX: Well, I. . .
LORELAI: Your house, my house?
MAX: I don't know.
LORELAI: I mean, we should figure this stuff out. I have a life and a kid, and both of them require a house of some sort.
MAX: Okay, but. . .
LORELAI: And I have stuff. I have a lot of stuff. You haven't seen my closet yet, but you would not believe the amount of stuff one person can accumulate. I don't even know what this stuff is, but it's there and it's mine and it needs a place to live.
MAX: Well. . .
LORELAI: And I want to work.
MAX: What?
LORELAI: And I like my bank.
MAX: Okay hold on.
LORELAI: It's small and the teller's name is Margie and she can't count. And I think there's something so poetic about banking at a place where the teller can't count.
MAX: Lorelai.
LORELAI: What?
MAX: Calm down. Talk to me.
LORELAI: It's just. . . . If I die, I want you to know where the coupon drawer is.
MAX: Well, I would like that too. I think.
LORELAI: Well, we need to figure these things out before. . .
MAX: Before what? Are you saying yes?
LORELAI: What?
MAX: Are you saying yes?
LORELAI: Why are you asking me that?
MAX: Because you call me, out of the blue, completely panicked about where we're gonna live and bank and coupon drawers and Margie.
LORELAI: Well, these are important things to discuss.
MAX: I agree. They're extremely important things to discuss, especially if you're saying yes. Are you?
[CUT TO DINING ROOM]
EMILY: I am extremely thrilled about this. Do you think you'll get a certificate?
RORY: I'm not sure.
EMILY: Well, they certainly should give you a certificate or a plaque or something. I'll talk to Bitty about that tomorrow.
RICHARD: I can't wait to tell Tellman McCabe about this.
EMILY: Oh Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, he's always bragging about that simpleton grandson of his.
EMILY: William is a lovely boy.
RICHARD: His head is shaped like a football.
EMILY: It is not.
RICHARD: If he fell asleep in the park, someone would try to punt him.
EMILY: Tellman is a very dear friend of yours.
RICHARD: Yes he is. And one should always share wonderful news with one's very good friends.
EMILY: You just want to brag.
[Lorelai walks to dining room doorway. Rory looks at her.]
RICHARD: Well, I think I have a right, don't you?
EMILY: Well goodness, you'd think you were the one who finished in the top three percent of your class.
[Lorelai smiles and nods to Rory]
RICHARD: Well it was my genes, I get to claim a little responsibility.
[Rory screams, jumps up, and runs over to hug Lorelai]
RICHARD: Oh!
EMILY: Goodness.
RICHARD: I just spilled on my shirt. What are you doing? What are they doing Emily?
EMILY: I have no idea. Stop that you too!
LORELAI: Sorry.
RORY: Yeah sorry.
EMILY: What is going on?
LORELAI: Uh, I'm just really jazzed about this whole three percent thing.
RORY: Yeah, really really jazzed.
LORELAI: Yeah. [more screaming and hugging]
EMILY: Don't even try to understand Richard. Antonia, please bring some club soda for Mr. Gilmore's shirt.
[CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN'S KITCHEN]
SOOKIE: Carlito, we're running out of clarified butter. Ooh, chop that finer. No hard boiling. Yo profiero tener los huevos suave. Ooh, that looks good. Add a little pinch of oregano, I think we've got it.
DELIVERY MAN: Okay, I got your lobsters.
SOOKIE: Yeah? Are they good? Ooh, they look good. Yes they do. Ow! It's got my hand. It's got my hand. Thanks. Okay, I'll be fine, I'll be fine. I'm a good cotter, don't worry. You are fresh, aren't you? Okay, in the back, in the back, in the back. Michel, I'm gonna need you to move.
MICHEL: In a minute.
SOOKIE: What are you doing?
MICHEL: I am weighing my turkey.
SOOKIE: Why?
MICHEL: A group of scientists did a study on rats where they cut their daily calories by thirty percent.
SOOKIE: And you felt left out?
MICHEL: No, the rats lived thirty percent longer. And the scientists were so impressed that they cut their own calories just like the rats.
SOOKIE: That was a very nice display of solidarity.
MICHEL: I have decided to do the same. I figure if I stay alive long enough, these scientists, they will be able to cure anything including death, therefore ensuring my indefinite existence.
SOOKIE: So you're gonna live forever, like on Fame?
MICHEL: Don't speak to me.
SOOKIE: Give me back my scale.
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Hey. I have an announcement to make, and it's big and it's fabulous and you are not gonna believe it.
MICHEL: Goodbye.
LORELAI: Wait, I got news.
MICHEL: Oh, well I'm sure it's very exciting. Excuse me.
LORELAI: But. . . What's with the turkey?
SOOKIE: Oh, Michel thinks he's gonna live forever.
LORELAI: Like on Fame?
SOOKIE: That's what I said!
MICHEL: Hmm, a hundred years from now I will sit around telling my fellow man of science about the two of you and we will giggle like little girls at your ignorance. Now I have work to do. [Michel leaves]
LORELAI: He did say "giggle like little girls" right?
SOOKIE: Forget him. Tell me about your fabulous news.
LORELAI: I'm engaged.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: I'm getting married.
SOOKIE: No!
LORELAI: Yes!
SOOKIE: No!
LORELAI: Yes!
SOOKIES: No!
LORELAI: Yes!
SOOKIE: No!
LORELAI: No?
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Sookie!
SOOKIE: God, this is amazing! Oh my God, I'm shaking! Max is a wonderful man. It is Max, right?
LORELAI: Yes, it is Max.
SOOKIE: Okay, good good good. Oh, I knew it. I knew you'd get engaged.
LORELAI: Really? God, I didn't.
SOOKIE: You're gonna be a sadie.
LORELAI: A what?
SOOKIE: A sadie. [sings] "Sadie, sadie, married lady. Meet a mortgagee."
LORELAI: Funny Girl!
SOOKIE: Streisand!
LORELAI: Love it!
SOOKIE: Who's catering?
LORELAI: Um, Bobby Flay?
SOOKIE: Not funny. I'm making the cake also.
LORELAI: Absolutely.
SOOKIE: Okay, let's start a menu. Something light and romantic to start with. Something that will go wonderful with champagne. Truffles go wonderful with champagne. And scrambled eggs. [starts to cry]
LORELAI: Sookie? Honey?
SOOKIE: I know scrambled eggs don't sound very festive, but when you put them in a little quail's egg shell and you put cavier on top, they are quite a crowd pleaser.
LORELAI: Hey, what's with the waterworks lady?
SOOKIE: It's just. . .I don't know. You raised that little girl all alone, and she is so great, and you work your butt off here and you go to school and you put up with me.
LORELAI: Aww, honey.
SOOKIE: You just really deserve this.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[Jackson walks into kitchen carrying a crate of brussel sprouts.]
JACKSON: Prepare yourself for the most gorgeous brussel sprouts ever. Sookie, are you okay? Are you hurt? Have you been making cutlets again?
SOOKIE: Lorelai's getting married! Married! Uh, I love saying that! Married, married, married!
JACKSON: Oh, that's great. Congratulations.
LORELAI: Thanks Jackson.
JACKSON: Uh, hey, do you wanna look at the brussel sprouts?
SOOKIE: Yes, I do. [giggles] No. Ooh, what about some nice brussel sprouts with like a garlic olive oil for the wedding? That sounds like a 'til death do us part' kind of side dish, doesn't it?
JACKSON: Yeah, I wouldn't know.
SOOKIE: Well, what do you think is the most romantic vegetable?
JACKSON: You know, I'm the wrong guy to ask.
SOOKIE: You're the vegetable guy.
JACKSON: Yeah, but the normal vegetable guy, not the romantic vegetable guy. I mean, I would have no idea what an appropriate vegetable would be to serve at a wedding. I've never even been to a wedding. One, my cousin BonBon. Yes, that's his real name. And I didn't stay long, and I didn't notice the vegetables, so I would not be the guy to ask about wedding vegetables. I'm not the wedding vegetable guy! [leaves]
LORELAI: Uh oh. Jackson's got panicked "my girlfriend wants me to get married" face on.
SOOKIE: Yup. Hey, next time he's here, tell him that you're pregnant.
LORELAI: With twins.
SOOKIE: Why not?
[CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE]
[Rory's in the living room on the phone with Lane, who's sitting in her closet.]
RORY: Okay, so what's the latest?
LANE: I just got off the phone with the American consulate.
RORY: And?
LANE: Can you say Hyung-hyung?
RORY: No, and what is that?
LANE: My Korean name.
RORY: There must be something you can do.
LANE: I'm a minor. I've been put in the custody of family by my parents. That's it, it's over.
RORY: You have to at least try to talk to your family.
LANE: I don't know.
MRS. KIM: [calls from downstairs] Dinner!
LANE: I have to go. Last meal.
RORY: Call me later.
MRS. KIM: [calls] Lanie!
LANE: Coming Mama!
[CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE]
[Rory walks into the kitchen]
LORELAI: Do you want tater tots also?
RORY: That's a rhetorical question right?
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: So, what kind of dress are you thinking of?
LORELAI: Um, the one Stephanie Seymour wore in the g*n N' Roses video.
RORY: What about colors? Did you pick your colors yet?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: Really? What?
LORELAI: Spumoni.
RORY: Okay, I am planning this wedding without you. You will have no say and I may not even let you come.
LORELAI: Uh!
[phone rings]
RORY: Hello?
MAX: Rory, good, it's Max.
RORY: Oh, hey Max.
MAX: Oh look, I've been out ring shopping all day.
RORY: Ring shopping. Very interesting.
MAX: Now I've narrowed it down to three different rings, but I want to get her something she's really gonna like, not just something that she tells me she likes but really hates, and you know her taste in jewelry better than I do, so I thought maybe you could give me some advice.
RORY: Okay, well, anything with the word "Foxy" on it is a big crowd pleaser.
MAX: Oh, maybe for our first anniversary.
RORY: Okay, I'm listening.
MAX: Okay. The first ring has a gold band and sort of a square diamond. It's simple, but very classic.
RORY: Gold band, square diamond, simple, classic. [Lorelai shakes her head] I'm not sure that's really her.
MAX: Okay, the next one is sort of an engagement band with small diamonds all around it, white gold, and there's a wedding band that sort of fits into it like a set.
RORY: White gold engagement band, small diamonds around it, with wedding band that fits into it. [Lorelai gestures that she might like it] That's a possibility. What's the third one?
MAX: The third one is from the twenties.
RORY: From the twenties, hmm.
MAX: Large diamond in the middle.
RORY: Large diamond in the middle.
MAX: Diamond clusters on the sides.
RORY: Diamond clusters on the sides.
MAX: A little deco.
RORY: A little deco. [Lorelai pants and barks like a dog] That sounds great. Uh, good going. She's gonna be ecstatic.
MAX: She's right there with you isn't she?
RORY: What? No.
MAX: No, I thought I heard her bark.
RORY: No, that's just a wild jackal that hangs out here sometimes.
MAX: Mm hmm. Put Cujo on the phone please.
RORY: One sec. [hands phone to Lorelai] Here boy.
[knock at front door]
LORELAI: Oh, hello Max, what a pleasant surprise. I just walked in.
[Rory answers door]
RORY: Hi.
DEAN: Am I late?
RORY: Nope, right on time.
DEAN: Good.
RORY: Are you coming in?
DEAN: In a sec. Ah, where's your mom?
RORY: In the kitchen on the phone.
DEAN: Beginning, middle, or end of a conversation?
RORY: Well, it concerns jewelry so there may not be an end to the conversation.
DEAN: Good. Hi.
RORY: Hi. [they kiss]
DEAN: I missed that.
RORY: Me too.
DEAN: So, uh, ya know, this whole breaking up thing, we tried it. . .
RORY: Yeah we did. Didn't really work for me.
DEAN: Me either.
RORY: Okay good, so it's decided. Breaking up, not for us.
DEAN: I mean, hey, not that it's a bad thing. I'm sure some people like it.
[they walk into kitchen]
RORY: Oh sure, Cher, Greg Allman, bet they'd give it a big thumbs up. [To Lorelai] Did you pick out your ring?
LORELAI: Yup, he's gonna surprise me with it tomorrow.
RORY: Twenties deco?
LORELAI: Supposedly ripped right off of Zelda Fitzgerald's cold d*ad hand. Hey Dean.
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: When is dinner ready?
LORELAI: Do I look like a timer?
RORY: I thought you might have set one.
LORELAI: Silly rabbit.
RORY: Timers are for kids.
LORELAI: I say 10 minutes, we're there.
RORY: I'll get us set up.
DEAN: So what's the movie for tonight?
LORELAI: Oh my god, a classic.
RORY: The Joan and Melissa Rivers Story, starring. . .
LORELAI: Joan and Melissa Rivers. A mother and daughter torn apart by tragedy.
RORY: su1c1de.
LORELAI: Not getting The Tonight Show.
RORY: Mean boyfriends.
LORELAI: Identical noses.
RORY: You'll laugh, you'll cry.
LORELAI: Because you're laughing so hard.
RORY: It'll be an evening to remember.
LORELAI: And in the pivotal scene where a very distraught Joan gets locked out of High Holiday Services because she's late, I will be forced to rewind it and play it over and over about four thousand times.
RORY: You'll never be the same. [Rory leaves the kitchen]
LORELAI: So
DEAN: So.
LORELAI: It's nice to have you back.
DEAN: Thanks, it's nice to be back.
LORELAI: We missed you.
DEAN: I missed you guys too.
LORELAI: No, I mean we really really missed you.
DEAN: You need the water bottle changed, don't you?
LORELAI: Desperately.
DEAN: Rag.
LORELAI: [hands him a towel] Thank you.
[Dean walks out the back door. Rory walks back into the kitchen.]
RORY: Where's Dean?
LORELAI: Getting water.
RORY: You're shameless.
LORELAI: He offered.
RORY: Please.
LORELAI: The first thing he said to me was 'Hey Lorelai, can I change your water?' What can I do? The kid's a freak.
[Cut to back porch. Rory walks out the back door.]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hey, I'm so sorry she's got you doing chores already.
DEAN: Aw, I don't mind.
RORY: You will. She pulled out the mower this morning.
DEAN: Well if that movie is anything like you described, mowing might be a good alternative.
RORY: Hey, I wanted to ask you something.
DEAN: Yeah?
RORY: My grandparents are having this special dinner for me next week. It's nothing big, but they said I could invite someone, and I thought, you've never seen my grandparents' house and I'd really like you to meet my Grandpa. What?
DEAN: Well, ah, it's just the last time I met your Grandma was the night of the dance and you know how that turned out, so...
RORY: The dance was a long time ago. She's over it by now. I'm sure everything would be fine.
DEAN: You want me to go?
RORY: Yeah, I want you to go.
DEAN: Then I'll go.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: [from inside house] Oh my, that coffee can is just so high up there, whatever will I do!
DEAN: Coming!
[CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE]
EMILY: Antonia, take this and put it in the dining room please. Oh, I like that tie!
RICHARD: It's rather snappy, isn't it? Oh, oh, oh.
EMILY: Richard, don't you dare get on that phone. They'll be here any second.
RICHARD: I'm not getting on the phone. I'm going to give Rory that first edition of Mencken's Chrestomathy.
[doorbell rings. Emily answers door]
EMILY: Well, hello there! Well, hello there.
RORY: Grandma, you remember Dean right?
EMILY: Yes I do, nice to see you again.
DEAN: Thanks. Uh, your house is great. It's huge. I've never seen a house this huge before.
EMILY: Well thank you. So few people bother to notice the hugeness of the house anymore.
LORELAI: Mom, it was so nice of you to tell Rory to invite a friend tonight, seeing as this is her night. That was really nice of you.
EMILY: It was my pleasure.
LORELAI: Good.
EMILY: Well, don't just stand there. We have a celebration to attend. Come in, come in.
[They walk into the living room. Emily walks over to make drinks while the others sit down.]
EMILY: So, what would everyone like to drink?
LORELAI: Uh, well, I'll have a white wine and Dean'll have a beer.
DEAN: What?!
LORELAI: Corona right?
DEAN: No, I don't want a beer! I don't drink beer. I'll have water or soda or anything. Or nothing. Not beer. Never beer. Beer is. . beer's bad.
EMILY: Relax Dean, that's just Lorelai's little sense of humor. You're very cruel.
LORELAI: Well, yes, keeps me young.
DEAN: I'm just gonna sit here and stare at my hands.
EMILY: Soda Dean?
DEAN: Please.
EMILY: Rory?
RORY: Oh, I'll have a beer. [Emily and Lorelai laugh] I'm sorry Dean, we're not laughing at you.
LORELAI: Oh wait, I think I was.
EMILY: I think I was a little too. [Richard enters] Oh Richard, there you are. Come join us.
LORELAI: Hey Dad.
RORY: Grandpa, hi. This is Dean. Dean, this is my Grandpa.
DEAN: Hi. Sorry, uh, hi. [walks over to him]
RICHARD: Hello.
DEAN: [offers to shake his hand] It's uh. . it's nice to meet. . .
RICHARD: Does everyone have drinks?
LORELAI: Uh yeah, we all have drinks. Thanks.
DEAN: [sits down, whispers to Lorelai] Should we do the beer thing again?
LORELAI: Uh, I don't think so.
[CUT TO DINING ROOM]
RORY: Grandma, I can't believe you found the recipe for Beefaroni.
EMILY: It wasn't easy. Antonia thought I'd gone insane.
LORELAI: Well . . .
EMILY: No one needs a comment from you.
LORELAI: No, I was just gonna say, what's the secret?
EMILY: Well, let's just say it's not beef.
LORELAI: Oh, okay, I'm done.
RORY: Me too.
EMILY: Dean, would you like some more?
DEAN: Uh, no. I'm fine, thanks.
EMILY: Well, then I guess it must be present time.
RORY: You didn't have to.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, Mom, you didn't have to. Unless you got something that'll fit me too, in which case, good going.
EMILY: [hands her a gift] Here you go, Rory. Congratulations, we're so proud.
RORY: Thanks Grandma. Thanks Grandpa.
EMILY: Now go on, open it.
RORY: Okay. [opens gift]
LORELAI: Oh, pens. All yours.
RORY: It's beautiful.
LORELAI: I think the top student deserved the top tools.
RORY: Thank you so much. Really.
LORELAI: Uh, uh, well, pens are very nice, but I just bet there is a fabulous fancy dessert just sitting out there in that kitchen of yours.
EMILY: As a matter of fact there is. Twinkies.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Well, Rory told me that was her favorite dessert.
LORELAI: Emily Gilmore, you are one classy broad.
EMILY: Antonia, please bring out the Twinkies.
LORELAI: I can't believe I just heard you say those words.
EMILY: Well, don't get used to it.
RICHARD: So, Dean, where are you planning to go to college?
DEAN: Oh, uh, well I. . .
LORELAI: Geez Dad, start off with 'what's your favorite baseball team' or something.
RICHARD: I'm talking to Dean.
DEAN: I don't know yet.
RICHARD: You don't?
DEAN: No, not yet.
RICHARD: Well, what kind of grades do you get?
EMILY: Richard please, don't grill the boy.
RICHARD: I'm not grilling the boy Emily. It's an easy question. A's, B's, C's?
DEAN: I get a mixture actually.
RICHARD: Mixture? [laughs] What's the ratio?
EMILY: Richard.
RICHARD: I'm just trying to get to know the boy Emily. After all, Rory brings home a young man to dinner, the least we can do is learn something about him.
LORELAI: He changes a mean water bottle.
DEAN: I get a couple A's, couple B's, few C's.
RICHARD: Really?
DEAN: I'm not great in math.
LORELAI: Yeah, except who is really? You know, except mathematicians or the blackjack dealers, or I guess Stephen Hawking doesn't suck, but you know
You know what else is good though Mom, is a Ho-Ho. Because if you can't find a Twinkie, you know, treat yourself to a nice Ho-Ho. How long does it take to open a box?
EMILY: She's making them.
LORELAI: She's making the Twinkies? You're kidding.
EMILY: Oh Richard, wasn't there a book you wanted to give Rory?
RICHARD: In a minute. So Dean. . .
RORY: Uh, Grandpa?
RICHARD: You do know that Rory is going to an Ivy League school?
DEAN: I know.
RICHARD: Harvard, Princeton, Yale.
LORELAI: He said he knew Dad.
RICHARD: You need top grades to get into a top school.
DEAN: Yeah, well, Rory's really smart.
RICHARD: Yeah, she is really smart.
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Yeah, why don't we all go sit in the uh. . .
RICHARD: So, how are you planning to make a living once you graduate from this college you haven't thought anything about yet?
RORY: Grandpa, can we talk about something else?
EMILY: I'm going to get that book. [leaves]
RICHARD: I asked you a question.
DEAN: I don't know what I want to do.
RICHARD: You know, when I was ten years old, I knew exactly where I wanted to work.
LORELAI: That's because you were always picked last for dodgeball.
RICHARD: I knew I wanted to go to Yale, and put on a nice suit everyday and be a very important man in a very powerful firm. And I knew I wanted to travel and see the world.
DEAN: Well, that's great.
RICHARD: I wanted to see La Traviata at the La Scala Operahouse. I wanted to walk the ruins of Pompeii. I wanted to travel the far east . . .
LORELAI: And be a ballerina or a fireman.
RICHARD: Lorelai, this isn't funny.
LORELAI: It's a little funny to think of a ten-year-old kid dreaming of the La Scala Operahouse.
RICHARD: Rory does. Rory wants to travel. Rory has plans.
LORELAI: Rory's special.
RICHARD: Yes. Exactly. Rory is special
DEAN: Well, I know that Rory is special.
EMILY: [returns with book] I got it.
RORY: Dean is special too, Grandpa.
DEAN: Rory.
RORY: You don't even know him.
RICHARD: I know enough.
RORY: No you don't. Dean is incredible and he's special to me and I bring him here and you att*ck him.
RICHARD: I will not be spoken to like that in my house.
EMILY: Richard here, give her the book.
RICHARD: This family has standards. You live up to them, and you should expect that everyone that you spend time with live up to them also. You are a gifted girl with immense promise, and you should learn very early that certain people can hold you back.
RORY: Grandpa, stop it! You cannot treat Dean this way.
RICHARD: I'm sorry, excuse me, I have to work. [leaves the table]
RORY: Grandpa! Thank you for the dinner and the gift Grandma, but I really think we should be going. [leaves]
DEAN: Thanks. Sorry. [leaves]
LORELAI: Am I crazy? That's supposed to be us right?
[CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD]
LORELAI: Well, want to come in and have some dessert? You never did get your Twinkie.
DEAN: Uh, no thanks. I think I should get going.
RORY: Are you sure?
DEAN: Yeah.
LORELAI: Okay, well, Dean, all I can say is that tonight, you officially became a Gilmore Girl. Feels good, huh?
DEAN: Yeah.
LORELAI: See you later. [to Rory] Meet you inside.
RORY: I don't even know what to say.
DEAN: It's no big deal.
RORY: I had no idea
I thought he would
I am so sorry Dean.
DEAN: It's not your fault.
RORY: None of those things he said were true. None of them mean anything. I don't know what made him act that way. I just. . .
DEAN: You know what, let's just forget it. All right?
RORY: Please, don't be upset.
DEAN: I'm not.
RORY: Dean.
DEAN: I'm fine. I'm not upset. I have to go. Call you tomorrow.
RORY: Okay.
[CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN]
RORY: That man is impossible.
LORELAI: Twinkie?
RORY: He just att*cked Dean out of nowhere. And Dean is sitting there, being perfectly nice, and then all of a sudden. . . Ugh, God, I'm so mad. He's a snob.
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: And he doesn't listen. He just wants to say horrible things and have you sit there and listen to him and then just agree with him. What is that all about?
LORELAI: Ah, that is about a hundred years worth of inbreeding.
RORY: I've never seen him be mean before. Ever, not like that. I don't know how I'll ever talk to him again. And Dean. He must be so upset right now. I hate that he did this to him, I hate it.
LORELAI: Yes, it was bad. My father was in fine form tonight. But. . .
RORY: But? There's a but, from you there's a but?
LORELAI: Twinkie. I don't think my father has ever loved anything in this world as much as he loves you. Now, that having been established, let's just consider that maybe this flipout tonight actually came from somewhere that possibly has nothing to do with Dean and very possibly has nothing to do with you.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: You are the great white hope of the Gilmore clan. You are their angel sent from up above. You are the daughter they didn't have.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: No, it's not a 'feel sorry for me' thing. It's just the truth. I mean, you're gonna go to college. Hell, you're gonna graduate from high school. They're gonna get to watch you walk down the aisle wearing your cap and gown and get your diploma and go to Harvard and be a Phi Beta Bimbo and graduate with honors and just set the world on f*re. And that is the plan, looks like it's gonna happen.
RORY: It is going to happen. Except for that Phi Beta Bimbo part.
LORELAI: But then tonight you walk in with this beautiful boy who likes you enough to brave going to your grandparents house for dinner, and Dad looks at you and sees you with him and all of a sudden, has a terrible Lorelai flashback. He sees it all going away, the college, the cap and gown and. . .
RORY: But I'm not going to get pregnant.
LORELAI: I know that.
RORY: He should know it.
LORELAI: Yes, he should, but you do have my eyes.
RORY: You do realize you just spent the last ten minutes defending your dad.
LORELAI: I know. I'm gonna have terrible nightmares all night long. But I'll tell you what. If you cut him a little slack, I'll wear my p*rn star t-shirt to dinner next week.
RORY: Deal.
LORELAI: Good.
[Phone rings. Rory answers it.]
RORY: Hello?
LANE: I just thought you should know that my parents just brought in the suitcase that I'm supposed to take on my trip and to paint you a picture, it can fit you and me plus everything we own and still have enough room to do a little souvenir shopping. I am never coming back.
[CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE]
RICHARD: What is Lorelai thinking letting Rory run around with a boy like that. Well, of course, she isn't thinking! She never thinks.
EMILY: Richard, please, you're giving me a headache.
RICHARD: And what were you thinking inviting him over here?
EMILY: We told her she could invite someone. You were right there.
RICHARD: I did not mean him.
EMILY: Please calm down.
RICHARD: I will not calm down. Did you hear the way she talked to me?
EMILY: Yes, I heard the way she talked to you.
RICHARD: She sounded like her mother.
EMILY: You were attacking her boyfriend.
RICHARD: A girl that age shouldn't have a boyfriend.
EMILY: You truly think a sixteen year old girl isn't gonna date?
RICHARD: Well, of course she's going to date, and she should date. The proper socialization is important to a child. But she should not date one boy and she should not date him. [phone rings] Don't answer that.
EMILY: I'm going to answer it.
RICHARD: Emily, we are in the middle of a discussion.
EMILY: I'm sure you will remember exactly where you were five minutes from now. Hello?
SOOKIE: Hi, Mrs. Gilmore? It's Sookie St. James, Lorelai's friend. I don't know if you remember me.
EMILY: Oh yes, you're the chef at the Inn.
SOOKIE: That's right. Listen, I'm sorry to call so late, but I need to ask you a question. I'm planning a surprise wedding shower for Lorelai and Max, and it's gonna be more like a big party actually. But I've cleared the date with everybody around here, so we're all set to go, but I wanted to make sure you guys were gonna be around before I finalized everything. It's going to be Saturday the 21st.
EMILY: I don't know, I'd have to check.
SOOKIE: Okay, Okay. You check, and then you call me at the inn, okay?
EMILY: Yes, I'll get back to you.
SOOKIE: Okay.
[CUT TO RICHARD'S OFFICE]
EMILY: I want you to call Rory tomorrow and apologize.
RICHARD: What?
EMILY: I want you to call her and tell her you're sorry. That you weren't feeling well and you think that Dean is a lovely boy and he's welcome here anytime.
RICHARD: Have you gone insane? Under no circumstance will I ...
EMILY: Our daughter is getting married. She's getting married and she didn't tell us. When Rory decides to get married, I'd like her to tell us. Call her tomorrow. [Emily leaves, starts to cry]
[CUT TO LORELAI'S PORCH.]
LORELAI: It was awful.
MAX: Sounds awful.
LORELAI: That's the family you want to marry into.
MAX: I must be insane.
LORELAI: Must be.
MAX: Hmm, and speaking of marrying into.
LORELAI: Yes?
MAX: I have a little something for you.
LORELAI: Let me guess. Is it gum, 'cause you know how much I like gum. How concerned I am about dental hygiene. [Max shows her the ring] Uh, oh my.
MAX: You like?
LORELAI: It's beautiful.
[Max puts the ring on her finger]
MAX: Oh, it's too big.
LORELAI: No, it's not.
MAX: Here, give it to me.
LORELAI: Oh, what? No, you can't have it back.
MAX: Well, I'll get it sized.
LORELAI: No, it's okay.
MAX: Well, it's gonna fall off.
LORELAI: I'll wear it on my thumb.
MAX: You're not gonna wear it on your thumb.
LORELAI: I'll eat a lot of salt and bloat up.
MAX: Just let me get it sized and I promise you'll never have to take it off again. In fact, I'm going to insist on it.
LORELAI: No, just in a minute, okay?
MAX: Okay.
LORELAI: I'm getting married.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x01 - Sadie, Sadie"} | foreverdreaming |
2.02 - Hammers and Veils
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Michael Katleman
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is on the couch in the living room as Lorelai calls her from upstairs.]
LORELAI: Rory!
RORY: Living room!
[Lorelai comes down the steps wearing a newspaper veil on her head.]
LORELAI: I need your advice on something. What do you think?
RORY: Huh.
LORELAI: Not good?
RORY: I'm not sure. Have you tried the Arts and Leisure section?
LORELAI: I need you to be serious.
RORY: You are wearing a newspaper on your head.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: And you need me to be serious?
LORELAI: I am trying to figure out veil lengths here.
RORY: Oh, well sure.
LORELAI: See, I kind of like this shoulder length kind of semi-poofy thing like this.
RORY: Mm hmm.
LORELAI: But there's also a longer one that might be interesting.
RORY: Longer, sure.
LORELAI: And then there's the full on Diana.
RORY: Right, right.
LORELAI: Which is nice but it just might be a little. . . . You're reading me.
RORY: Wait, don't move.
LORELAI: Rory, stop it.
RORY: This Putin arms race thing is really getting crazy.
LORELAI: I am trying to have a serious conversation about the most important fashion decision of my life.
RORY: Why don't you go to a wedding dress place and try a real veil on?
LORELAI: No way.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Too much taffeta, it gives me cotillion flashbacks.
RORY: Okay fine. Could you bend over so I can see what the weather's gonna be like tomorrow?
LORELAI: Actually, I went in one of those places yesterday.
RORY: You did? Which one?
LORELAI: Marry Mimi's.
RORY: Ooh, I see we're going top of the line.
LORELAI: Ugh, it was horrible. Apparently, you're supposed to order your wedding dress the first day of junior high, and if you haven't, it's off the rack for you missy. I tried on three different dresses, one of which gave me a rash. And I gotta say, has anyone missed the bustle? 'Cause I haven't.
RORY: It was not that bad.
LORELAI: They all looked wrong. I'm gonna be gross and all the children will laugh and Max will realize he's made a horrible mistake and then people will walk away, exactly as you're doing now.
RORY: Let's go.
LORELAI: Where?
RORY: Wedding dress shopping.
LORELAI: Uhhh, you're reading.
RORY: I'm done.
LORELAI: Uh, you need to see Dean.
RORY: He's playing softball.
LORELAI: Your cure for cancer's almost finished.
RORY: We are going to find the perfect thing for you to walk down the aisle in your perfect wedding day, where there will be no pointing, mocking or walking out.
LORELAI: I did not say pointing, why did you say pointing?
RORY: Keys.
LORELAI: Thank you.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Paris, Madeline, and Louise are standing next to a bulletin board.]
LOUISE: Ooh, spending the summer at Chilton. Happy happy, joy joy.
MADELINE: If I don't improve my French grades, I can kiss Vassar goodbye.
PARIS: You need to follow a study schedule. I've been telling you this second grade.
LOUISE: Yes, which worries both of us.
MADELINE: Maybe I won't go to college.
PARIS: You have to go to college.
LOUISE: Princess Grace didn't go to college.
PARIS: Thank you for the history lesson, A.J. Benza.
LOUISE: Take a pill.
PARIS: Marry rich.
[Rory walks over to them]
MADELINE: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
MADELINE: You doing the summer school thing too?
RORY: Uh, yeah.
MADELINE: What classes are you taking?
RORY: Well, I uh
LOUISE: Ahem.
MADELINE: What?
RORY: Uh, you're not talking to me.
MADELINE: I'm not?
LOUISE: Tristin.
PARIS: PJ Harvey.
MADELINE: Oh yeah.
RORY: I'm just gonna look at the bulletin board, and then you can back to your conversation.
MADELINE: There's a Rebuilding Together thing going on tomorrow. You know, they fix up homes for the needy. It's a total easy outdoor denim gig that looks really great on your college transcript. Sorry.
RORY: Thanks, I'll think about it.
PARIS: You wouldn't like it.
RORY: 'Cause you'll be there?
PARIS: Yes, I'll be there.
RORY: I'll think about it.
[Rory walks away. Paris follows her.]
PARIS: You don't want to go.
RORY: I'll see.
PARIS: You don't, it's not you.
RORY: I have multiple personalities. It might be one of me.
PARIS: It's hours of hammering and drilling and dirt and it's horrible. You'll hate it.
RORY: How do you know? How do you know that I don't spend hours every week hammering and drilling? And dirt, I love dirt. I collect it.
PARIS: You're hilarious.
RORY: You're pathetic.
PARIS: Fine. Forget it.
[Paris walks back towards the bulletin board. Rory follows her.]
RORY: Why don't you want me to go?
PARIS: I don't care if you go.
RORY: You just spent a great deal of energy trying to convince me not to.
PARIS: I'm late for class.
RORY: Are you seriously going to be mad about the fact that you thought I was going out with Tristin even though I wasn't for the rest of your life?
PARIS: I have great commitment.
RORY: And you don't see how stupid that is?
PARIS: I'm sorry if you thought we had some kind of deep Thelma and Louise thing going here, but we didn't.
RORY: Well, have it your way, but I'm going tomorrow.
PARIS: Fine. Go. See if I care.
RORY: I will.
PARIS: Great. I hate summer.
[Paris, Madeline and Louise leave. Henry walks up to Rory.]
HENRY: Rory?
RORY: Oh, Henry, hi. Nice to see you.
HENRY: You too. What classes are you taking?
RORY: Shakespeare, physics, obscure Russian poetry.
HENRY: Wow. I'm still trying to get through trig. But hey, third time's the charm.
RORY: I can help you if you want.
HENRY: I just may take you up on that.
RORY: Okay.
HENRY: Okay.
RORY: Lane's fine.
HENRY: Is she? Good, 'cause I haven't talked to her in awhile. I called.
RORY: Yeah?
HENRY: Once. I called once.
RORY: And?
HENRY: Her mother answered.
RORY: Oops.
HENRY: She sounded angry.
RORY: No, that's just Mrs. Kim.
HENRY: I hung up. Twelve times. And then on the thirteenth time she said she was gonna have the FBI trace the call and have me thrown in prison. And although I know logically that the punishment for multiple hang ups probably isn't prison, she just sounded so capable of doing real damage that I. . .
RORY: Stopped calling?
HENRY: And now Lane probably thinks that I forgot about her, and. . .
RORY: You'd like for me to tell her that you haven't.
HENRY: That would be good.
RORY: Done.
HENRY: And maybe you could give her my number and she could call me.
RORY: I'll get right on it.
HENRY: Aw thanks. [writes his number down, hands the paper to Rory] Thank you.
RORY: Uh huh.
HENRY: Okay. Bye
RORY: Bye. Uh, henry?
HENRY: What?
RORY: Your trig notes.
HENRY: Ahhh.
RORY: I think we may have nailed down the problem.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory pull up and walk to the front door talking.]
LORELAI: Mom, tomorrow I'm going to build a house.
RORY: Help build a house.
LORELAI: Did you tell them that there's a light bulb in your closet that b*rned out in '97 that you still haven't changed?
RORY: It's for charity.
LORELAI: Wow, don't those people have enough problems without having you as a contractor?
RORY: I'm sure there will be real construction workers there.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: I will be assisting, I will be helping out those less fortunate than myself, I will be getting college credit and this is the end of this particular conversation.
LORELAI: You're right. It's a good thing. Nice, keeps your halo shiny. Oh wait, wait. [takes off her engagement ring]
RORY: When are you going to tell them?
LORELAI: Soon.
RORY: When's soon?
LORELAI: When the big hand hits the "S" and the little hand hits the "OON."
RORY: You're getting married in three months.
LORELAI: Ring the bell.
RORY: I think you should tell them now.
LORELAI: Ring the bell.
RORY: The longer you wait the harder it's gonna be.
LORELAI: For the love of God, will you please ring the bell.
RORY: You can tell them before dinner.
LORELAI: I will tell them when I'm ready to tell them. You have to accept that because I'm the mother and you're the daughter, and in some cultures, that means you have to do what I say.
RORY: If you don't tell them in two weeks, I will.
LORELAI: Though apparently not in this one.
RORY: Good. [rings doorbell]
[Emily answers the door]
EMILY: We're going to have to eat quickly, your father has a very early flight tomorrow morning. [walks away]
LORELAI: Oh, I'm good. Yeah, and Rory's gonna build a house tomorrow. I know, I thought it was a little weird too.
EMILY: Walk as you babble please.
LORELAI: [to Rory] Somebody must have scratched the silver.
[walk to dining room]
EMILY: [to maid] Bring the bread out too. And pour the wine please. [to L/R] Come on, hurry up.
LORELAI: Yeah, 'cause we don't want our salad to get cold.
EMILY: Richard, dinner!
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Eat eat.
LORELAI: Shouldn't we wait for Dad?
EMILY: Don't worry about him.
LORELAI: He's the one with the early plane. We don't have to go anywhere tomorrow. We can stay all night. Have a party, do some Jell-O sh*ts, play light as a feather, stiff as a board. Okay, pass the bread.
RORY: Grandma, would you like some. . .
EMILY: Yes please.
RICHARD: You started.
EMILY: You have a six o'clock flight.
RICHARD: Six o'clock, are you sure?
EMILY: What do you mean, am I sure? Of course I'm sure. I double-checked it three times with your secretary because I know she's an idiot and all three times she told me six o'clock. I wrote it down, I have your ticket right out on the. . . You're teasing me.
RICHARD: Very possible.
EMILY: I don't find that amusing, Richard.
RICHARD: Exactly the point of teasing, Emily. Hello Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hello Father.
RICHARD: Rory.
RORY: Grandpa.
RICHARD: May I speak with you for a moment, please?
RORY: Okay.
[Richard and Rory leave the room.]
LORELAI: Hmm, I wonder what that's all about. I guess we'll find out later, right? Hey, whatever happened to Shusha?
CUT TO BACK PATIO
RICHARD: I just thought we should touch base, you and I, after that unfortunate incident last week.
RORY: Grandpa, you already called me about that.
RICHARD: Yes, I know, but I thought taking a moment to once again say to you in person, how. . .
RORY: I know, and I appreciate it.
RICHARD: We'd never had a fight.
RORY: No.
RICHARD: This was our first one.
RORY: Yes it was.
RICHARD: And I must say, I didn't care for it.
RORY: Neither did I.
RICHARD: Well, all right. We should go back inside. We're find now, right?
RORY: We're fine. Buck up, Private.
RICHARD: Oh wait, I wanted to give you something.
RORY: What?
RICHARD: Come on, come on.
[they walk past the dining room]
LORELAI: Hey, where you guys going?
RICHARD: We'll be right there.
LORELAI: Well, hurry, 'cause you're missing one hell of a conversation. You know, Mom, I'm really loving this salad dressing.
EMILY: I'm glad.
LORELAI: Lemony.
EMILY: Yes.
LORELAI: There's nothing like a nice salad of lemony goodness. [pause] Mom?
EMILY: Hmm?
LORELAI: I have something to tell you.
EMILY: Yes?
LORELAI: Well it's like this. Um, . . .could you put down your fork for a second? Thank you. Okay, um, you know Max?
EMILY: No, I don't.
LORELAI: Okay, I know you don't know him know him, but you know of him, right?
EMILY: I've heard rumblings.
LORELAI: Okay, well, um, the. . .Max and I have been serious for quite awhile now, and he asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I'm getting married.
EMILY: Well, I think that's very nice. I certainly hope we'll be in town for it, but if not I promise we'll send a nice gift. Now excuse me, I'm going to check on the roast.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking towards Luke's.]
RORY: Are you okay?
LORELAI: I'm perfect.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: I have h*t a level of perfection that has rarely been seen outside the Victoria's Secret catalog.
RORY: I'm really sorry.
LORELAI: Aww, do not be sorry. What happened tonight was inevitable.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I should've known not to tell my mother.
RORY: You were trying to be nice.
LORELAI: Telling her I was getting married to a wonderful guy who will love me and make me happy. That, and giving her my address when I finally moved out, two worst moves I ever made.
RORY: Maybe she'll think about it and call you and say she's sorry.
LORELAI: Mom, I'm getting married. I'm an idiot. And you know, as my mouth was opening my mind was screaming, 'Don't do it, I mean it, you'll regret it!' But did my mouth listen?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: No! And it opened and the words came out, and Emily was Emily, and my mouth was stunned. And my mind said 'I told you so.' And then my mouth got mad because no mouth like's to have it's nose rubbed in it. And now my mind and my mouth aren't talking, and it'll be weeks before we can get the boys together again.
RORY: Your mouth has a nose?
[they walk into Luke's Diner]
LORELAI: God, I'm crabby.
RORY: You're hungry.
LORELAI: No I'm not.
RORY: Well you didn't eat any of your dinner.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, by the time I could get my jaw off the ground, Speed Racer had taken my plate.
RORY: Luke will cheer you up, won't you Luke?
LUKE: Oh sure, I'm great at spreading the joy. What'll you have?
RORY: We'll have two coffees and a rant meal please. Extra cheese.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: I'm through ranting, the rant is over. I'll have an acceptance meal and a side of fries.
RORY: Please, you have not accepted this.
LORELAI: I am a grown woman. I do not need my mother's permission or blessing to be happy.
LUKE: Must've been a good Oprah today.
LORELAI: Just a little family drama. No biggie.
RORY: It's a little biggie.
LUKE: Yeah, what's going on?
LORELAI: I told my mother about me getting married and it was slightly ugly.
LUKE: Yup.
LORELAI: Yup, what?
LUKE: Well, there's nothing like a wedding to screw up a family.
LORELAI: Actually, in my case, there's nothing like a family to screw up a family.
LUKE: Something that's supposed to start nice, two people making promises to each other. I'll love you forever, I wanna die when you die, my life meant nothing until you used my toothbrush. And then it starts.
LORELAI: Well, that's not exactly. .
LUKE: Who do you invite, who sits where, open bar, yes or no. . .
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: Auntie Junie doesn't eat chicken, Uncle Momo's off his meds.
LORELAI: Junie and Momo?
LUKE: Just an example.
LORELAI: Of a retired circus couple?
LUKE: And then after all that planning, the reception will still be a disaster because no matter what you do or how carefully you plan, halfway through one of those nauseating Bette Midler ballads, someone's getting drunk, someone's sleeping with someone else's wife, and someone's chicken kiev is landing on the cake.
LORELAI: You know, the Gettysburg Address was only one page long, and that was about a w*r.
LUKE: I just call them like I seem them.
LORELAI: I have officially changed my order. I'll have the 'Luke's giving Lorelai a Migraine' meal.
LUKE: Bleu cheese or ranch?
LORELAI: Both.
LUKE: Coming right up.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is in the kitchen pouring coffee as Rory comes out of her room.]
RORY: Time?
LORELAI: 8:30.
RORY: I'm late.
LORELAI: Hold on, coffee!
RORY: Thanks. I'll see you tonight.
LORELAI: Wait, one sec.
RORY: Mom, I have to be there in twenty minutes.
LORELAI: I know, but I made you something really cool.
RORY: Can't it wait 'til tonight?
LORELAI: It won't be cool tonight.
RORY: What do you mean it won't be cool tonight? What loses its cool factor in twelve hours?
LORELAI: This. [holds up a hammer decorated in pink]
RORY: What is that?
LORELAI: A hammer.
RORY: It has feathers on it.
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: So the rhinestones and bows won't feel lonely.
RORY: What do you want me to do it?
LORELAI: Build a really pretty house.
RORY: How long is it gonna take me to talk you out of giving that to me?
LORELAI: Forty minutes, an hour, tops.
RORY: Hand it over.
LORELAI: Call me when you get home, and please be careful.
RORY: I will.
LORELAI: I mean it Timmy, no falling down the well.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Bye.
[Rory opens front door. Lane is standing there with several boxes]
RORY: Oh, geez, you scared me.
LANE: Sorry. Where you going?
RORY: I'm doing that Rebuilding Together thing today.
LANE: Right. I'll be fast. [brings in the boxes] Okay. Here's my CD's, my 'zines, my posters, my books, three of your sweaters, and one Diva Glam lipstick. I need to leave them here while I'm in Korea because my mother's bound to search my room and if she finds them, she'll throw them out. And then spend the rest of the summer praying for my soul.
RORY: I'll treat them like my own.
LANE: Okay, now. This is the Lane Kim retrieval kit. It contains the phone number of my cousins in Korea, a map of the house I'll be staying at, a picture of me now, and a mock-up of me in 6 months.
RORY: You've lost some weight.
LANE: Now this is that name of that guy at the American Consulate, and several important Korean phrases written out phonetically, you know, 'Help', 'Have you seen this girl,' 'Comes from money', et cetera.
RORY: Still no return date info from the parents?
LANE: Nope, but they did buy me a winter coat.
RORY: When are you going?
LANE: Right after your mom's engagement par...
RORY: Shhhh!
LANE: Do you think she heard me?
RORY: I don't think so. No, she'd be in here grilling us for details if she had.
LANE: She wouldn't have pretended not to have heard so she wouldn't k*ll the surprise?
RORY: And risk clashing with the decor?
LANE: Right. Okay, I gotta go.
RORY: Hey, Henry?
LANE: Called him.
RORY: And?
LANE: He likes me. He's perfect. I'll never see him again. You'll read about it in my novel, A Connecticut Yankee in Pusan. [leaves]
CUT TO FRONT YARD
[Rory walks out the front door as Dean walks up to the house.]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hi.
DEAN: Where you going?
RORY: I have to build a house.
DEAN: Okay, so where you going?
RORY: I'm serious.
DEAN: You're going to build a house?
RORY: It's for charity and I'm late, and why don't you go on inside and you and my mother can continue the 'Rory's building a house' routine and when that gets boring you can move on over to 'Who's on First?'
DEAN: Well, how long are you gonna be gone?
RORY: I don't know, why?
DEAN: I just thought we could hang today. Maybe see a movie, get something to eat. We could go to a bookstore, I'll watch you browse for six or seven hours.
RORY: I would love to but I have to do this thing today.
DEAN: Blow it off.
RORY: I can't.
DEAN: Did I mention the bookstore for six or seven hours?
RORY: How about tonight? We can get a pizza and go on Amazon. You'll be just as bored watching me ordering books, I promise.
DEAN: Deal.
RORY: Good, I have to go.
CUT TO CONSTRUCTION SITE
[Rory taps on a man's shoulder while he's sawing a piece of wood.]
RORY: Excuse me.
MAN: Hey, you're touching a man with a saw. You don't touch a man with a saw. What are you thinking?
RORY: I'm sorry.
MAN: I could've hurt myself. I could've hurt you. There's a ton of hurt that almost happened here.
RORY: I really am sorry. I've never been on a job site before. It's nice.
MAN: Okay, where you from?
RORY: Chilton. My name. . .
MAN: Come on Chilton.
RORY: No, it's Rory. Chilton's my school.
MAN: You got a hammer?
RORY: Oh, yes, sir.
MAN: Where is it?
[Rory takes out the decorated hammer and shows him]
RORY: It's a real hammer underneath.
MAN: That's a hammer?
RORY: Well, it's just dressed up a little.
MAN: You dressed up a hammer?
RORY: No, my mother did. She does that. She, um, she takes thinks that aren't pretty and makes them pretty, like a hammer, you know. One time she made individual outfits for my liquid paper bottles. A clown, a cowboy, a newscaster. She's not insane, she just sounds it.
MAN: Okay. Work here. Wear these. Don't look up, pay attention to your surroundings, the words duck or run mean duck or run. Wear sunscreen, drunk water, get a button on the way out.
RORY: That's it? That's the instructions?
MAN: Yup.
RORY: But I've never done this before.
MAN: Well, tomorrow you won't be able to say that.
RORY: But people actually have to live in these houses. They may have kids or pets or breakables.
MAN: If you get in trouble, ask the person next to you.
ANOTHER MAN: Uh look out!
[Rory jumps back as a piece of wood falls next to her.]
MAN: Hey, you learn fast. I didn't even mention that one. [walks away]
[Rory starts to hammer a nail.]
PARIS: This is my wall.
RORY: What?
PARIS: I've been working here. I put together this entire wall. Go work someplace else.
RORY: You put together this wall?
PARIS: Go help with cement.
RORY: It's very impressive.
PARIS: I've done it a million times before. It's no big deal. Louise! What did I just tell you, use a grub axe for that!
LOUISE: Bite me!
RORY: Funny. I never pictured you as a Bob Vila kind of girl.
PARIS: Rebuilding Together is an extremely prestigious and respected organization. I've been volunteering for them for years.
RORY: Really? You just love the overalls?
PARIS: I don't. Harvard does.
RORY: What does that mean?
PARIS: When you apply to an ivy league school, you need more than good grades and test scores to get you in. Every person who applies to Harvard has a perfect GPA and great test scores. It's the extras that put you over the top. The clubs, charities, volunteering. You know.
RORY: Oh yeah, I know.
PARIS: I started volunteering in fourth grade. I handed out cookies at the local children's hospital. By ten, I was leading my first study group. The youngest person in the group was twelve.
RORY: Wow.
PARIS: I've been a camp counselor. I organized a senior illiteracy program, I worked a su1c1de hotline, I manned a runaway center. I've adopted dolphins, taught sign language, trained seeing eye dogs.
RORY: But when did you have time to have a life?
PARIS: I'll have a life after I graduate from Harvard. Now if you'll excuse me, the drainage on the south side of this place sucks.
MADELINE: Hi!
PARIS: Madeline!
MADELINE: Bye!
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW BUSSTOP
[Dean is waiting on the bench as Rory steps off the bus.]
DEAN: Hey. You look good in dirt.
RORY: Dean, hi.
DEAN: So how was it?
RORY: Long day. Long long day.
DEAN: The day is over. Let's talk about the night. Uh, there's a 7:30 showing of Barbarella, and I thought you can bring your mom's purse, you know the one with that monkey face and we'll sneak in some burgers and. . . what?
RORY: I can't.
DEAN: Get your mom's purse?
RORY: I can't do anything tonight.
DEAN: Why not?
RORY: Because I have a lot of planning to do.
DEAN: What planning?
RORY: I'm like ten years behind on my extracurriculars.
DEAN: What are you talking about?
RORY: Paris has been accumulating these things since she could walk. I mean, she has a list of good deeds that could bump Mother Teresa off the Harvard list.
DEAN: Okay, I'm lost.
RORY: I've been studying my butt off my whole life and I really thought that that was enough, but then Paris tells me that everyone makes good grades and it's the extras that put you over the top. And I thought that she was messing with me like she always does, but she's right. I mean, it makes total sense.
DEAN: What does?
RORY: Good grades aren't enough. I need to do things. I need to volunteer. I need to work for charity, I need to help the blind, the orphans, I don't know. I just need to do something.
DEAN: Fine, but what does this have to do with tonight?
RORY: I need to start now.
DEAN: Now? You have to help the blind and the orphans now?
RORY: Didn't I tell you that I was ten years behind?
DEAN: Well you can't make up for ten years in one night Rory.
RORY: I know. I just need to get organized.
DEAN: Well, Rory, it's summer. I mean, summer's the time to hang out and kick back.
RORY: I can't hang out or kick back. I need to find a ret*rd kid and teach him how to play softball. Oh God, listen to me. I am horrible. I am under qualified and horrible.
DEAN: Wait a minute. I thought we were gonna spend some time together.
RORY: We are.
DEAN: When?
RORY: I don't know. Tomorrow maybe?
DEAN: You were busy today.
RORY: I told you. . .
DEAN: So we made plans for tonight.
RORY: Yes but. . .
DEAN: And now you're bl*wing me off again.
RORY: I am not bl*wing you off.
DEAN: You're going to summer school three days a week.
RORY: You knew about that.
DEAN: Yes, but we've been apart for awhile now and I figured you'd want to spend some time with me.
RORY: Dean, this is about Harvard.
DEAN: Oh, well excuse me, it's about Harvard, I forgot. Okay, fine.
RORY: You're mad? You're mad because I want to be sure that I get into a good college?
DEAN: Nope, I'm mad because my girlfriend doesn't seem to have time for me anymore.
RORY: Dean, stop it. This is important.
DEAN: And it can't wait for one night?
RORY: No.
DEAN: Fine.
RORY: Why are you acting like this?
DEAN: Like what?
RORY: Like you're two.
DEAN: Hey, I'm not going to Harvard, I could care less about Harvard. I just wanted to hang with you. But relax, since apparently I'm two, maybe I'll just grow out of it.
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Rory's sitting at the kitchen table as Lorelai walks into the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Okay, I'm officially way too tired to go out tonight so I'm not trusting my accessorizing instincts. Tell me what you think.
RORY: I have no wilderness skills.
LORELAI: So you hate the purse?
RORY: How am I supposed to get into Harvard if I have no wilderness skills?
LORELAI: I don't know honey. Maybe you'll have to give up your dream of majoring in logging.
RORY: I called the Fireflies. Do they need troop leaders? Yes. Good, I'll be a troop leader. Great. The only catch is, it's summer. Camping season. I need wilderness skills. Why did you never take me camping?
LORELAI: Camping? Are you kidding? I couldn't get you to step on wet grass until you were three.
RORY: If you had taken me camping, I'd have wilderness skills.
LORELAI: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll take you upstairs. I'll throw you out the window. If you manage to grab that tree, I'll be your witness.
RORY: I called the Sunnyside Home. Do they need any volunteers? And believe it or not, they don't, but they do need an accordion player for their Friday night polka party.
LORELAI: How come I never forced you to learn the accordion?
RORY: The library was closed. I can call them tomorrow, but they only have twelve books so I'm not counting on that. The tutoring program at Chilton is still taking names. I guess I can do that but
LORELAI: Honey, calm down.
RORY: I'm not prepared. I will never catch up.
LORELAI: You will catch up, but not in one night. You've made your lists and your calls, why don't you relax and call Dean to come over?
RORY: We're in a fight.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Because you never took me camping.
LORELAI: Oh boy, I am really sucking tonight.
RORY: We were supposed to hang out and I told him I couldn't and he got made and we're in a fight.
LORELAI: Ugh. Well, listen, why don't I cancel on Max tonight and I'll hang out here with you. We can make popcorn and reminisce about how I never forced you to become a missionary.
RORY: No, go, I'm fine. I just need to focus on this.
LORELAI: Well, I can help.
RORY: No, I need to do this alone.
LORELAI: Are you sure?
RORY: I'm sure.
LORELAI: Okay, well, I'm not gonna be home late. And listen, I would reconsider calling Dean. It's not his fault that you're so fabulous he can't think about anything else.
RORY: Bye Mom.
LORELAI: I mean, he just sits in his room, eating Froot Loops out of the box, saying your name over and over and over.
RORY: Time is ticking.
LORELAI: Rory, I love you Rory. Rory, I will not be ignored Rory
RORY: Leave.
LORELAI: Okay, I'll be home early. Bye.
CUT TO RESTAURANT
[Max and Lorelai are eating dinner outside.]
MAX: You hate your dinner.
LORELAI: No I don't.
MAX: You've hardly touched it.
LORELAI: Well, when somebody goes to all the trouble to make your entrée look like a little tiny hat, you hate to mess it up.
MAX: Is something wrong?
LORELAI: No.
MAX: You can tell me. That's what I'm here for.
LORELAI: I thought it was just for eye candy.
MAX: That too.
LORELAI: I'm fine. It's just stuff, ya know. Rory's freaking out about not having enough extracurricular things to impress Harvard with.
MAX: I can help her with that.
LORELAI: I'm sure she would greatly appreciate it.
MAX: Is that all that's wrong?
LORELAI: Yeah, just a lot of stuff to think about, you know, for the wedding.
MAX: I forget to tell you, I saw my parents today. They just wanted me to tell you how thrilled they are. My mother cried twice. She said you don't have to call her mom but you're welcome to if you want.
LORELAI: Really?
MAX: And then my father took me aside and gave me a long talk about marriage and the many ways of making a wife happy.
LORELAI: Ooh, a dirty talk.
MAX: Then they gave me this. [holds out a check]
LORELAI: No they did not.
MAX: Yes they did too.
LORELAI: Ah, did you tell them that we're paying for everything ourselves?
MAX: I did.
LORELAI: Sookie's doing the cake, the ceremony's at my house, Patty's supplying the chairs
thirty five dollars?
MAX: It's the first of four installments. That way we can't spend it all in one place.
LORELAI: Oh, that is so cute!
MAX: They just want to be involved.
LORELAI: That's sweet, that's really sweet. Can I. . .thanks.
MAX: Oh, and my mother even offered you her wedding dress.
LORELAI: Huh.
MAX: But since three of you could fit into that dress I took the liberty of declining it.
LORELAI: Oh, I hope she wasn't insulted.
MAX: No, I just told her you were wearing your mother's dress.
LORELAI: Ah.
MAX: It doesn't matter whether you are or not, she just wanted to offer something.
LORELAI: Let's get dessert.
MAX: You okay?
LORELAI: I just think it's great. I think it's great that your parents are so happy and into everything. I. .that must be nice to have that.
MAX: Well, why don't you think of it this way? Now they're kind of your parents too so you'll have that also.
LORELAI: Yes, I will think of it like that. That is exactly how I will think of it.
MAX: Good.
LORELAI: Because otherwise, I'd have to look at it like Max has parents who love him and care about him, and I have parents.
MAX: I didn't mean to upset you.
LORELAI: I'm not upset. It's just, I can't get that one moment out of my mind. 'That's nice, I hope we're in town.' Who, who, who reacts like that? I mean, what sort of mind forms that reaction to 'Hey mom, I'm getting married'?
MAX: Well, from everything you've told me about your parents, there's so much baggage between you guys
LORELAI: You figure out a different way. You tap into compassion or family obligation or something. You don't react like that.
MAX: I agree. It's wrong. But you can't change who they are, and you won't get anywhere trying to.
LORELAI: Okay, you know what? I don't want to talk about my parents anymore. Okay, I don't want to speculate about them, I don't want to analyze them, I don't want to think about them anymore. We should go.
MAX: Come on, it' still early. We'll go someplace else. Talk a little bit more?
LORELAI: Yes. Absolutely. Sounds good.
CUT TO INSIDE MAX'S CAR
MAX: Listen, I'm sorry tonight brought up all these bad feelings for you.
LORELAI: That's okay. Make a right.
MAX: But I bet this was harder for your mother then you think it is.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
MAX: I mean, look what's happened to her over the last year. She was just getting back into your life, and suddenly, everything changes on her.
LORELAI: Yeah, that's gotta suck. Go right.
MAX: You know, maybe once we get married, things will settle down, you two will be able to work it out. I mean, you never know, I might be able to help the situation, ya know, uh, act as a buffer or so.
LORELAI: That's a good thought, good thought. Pull
Pull in here.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Max pull up out front and walk to the front door.]
MAX: Lorelai, hold on, ya know, I think I know what's going on here, and I gotta tell you, it's not a good idea.
LORELAI: This'll just take a second. [rings doorbell several times]
MAX: I don't know, maybe you should wait until tomorrow, calm down a little, think this through, maybe you'll be able to be more objective.
LORELAI: You are not asleep. Come on!
MAX: You are way too emotional for this.
LORELAI: No, I'm just emotional enough. Now if you like you can wait in the car because I really don't plan on being here that long.
[Emily opens the front door]
EMILY: What on earth?
LORELAI: Hi mom, do you have a sec to chat? Super.
[Lorelai walks inside, Max waits inside by the door]
EMILY: Lorelai, what is this?
LORELAI: I just wanted to see how you were, that's all.
EMILY: I'm fine.
LORELAI: You are? Oh good, good. I'm glad that you're fine. I, however, am not fine.
EMILY: Your father and I were just about to go to bed. We can do this in the morning.
LORELAI: Actually Mom, no. We can't do this in the morning. We really need to do this right now.
EMILY: Are you drunk?
LORELAI: No, I'm not drunk. I'm confused.
EMILY: About what?
LORELAI: About you.
EMILY: And what about me confuses you Lorelai?
LORELAI: Well, so many things. I mean, for example, why can't you keep a maid in this house? I mean, there must've been a thousand women who've gone through here in the thirty-two years that I've been alive, and not one of them could stick it out.
EMILY: And this is what we need to discuss right now?
LORELAI: These are women from countries that have dictatorships and civil wars and death squads and all of that they survived, but five minutes working for Emily Gilmore, and people are begging for Castro.
EMILY: All right, I'm going to bed now.
LORELAI: And why is it that when your only daughter tells you that she is getting married, you can't muster up even a little enthusiasm? Even a little fake enthusiasm. Why don't you pretend that you care? I mean, this is the biggest thing to happen to me possibly for the rest of my life, and you dismissed it like I said, 'Hey, I'm thinking of getting a Honda, what do you think?'
EMILY: You're obviously hysterical!
LORELAI: Why don't you care? Why have you never cared? No matter what has happened to me my entire life, you've never been happy for me, and that hurts, Mom, it really hurts!
EMILY: I'm not discussing this with you.
LORELAI: Do you know how it felt for me to tell you that I was getting married and to have you just brush it off like that? Do you know?
EMILY: No, I don't, I don't know! Possibly very similar to finding out from a complete stranger that my only daughter was getting married and had told every other person in the world before she bothered to tell her own mother. Possibly it felt something like that. Now if you'll excuse me, it is late, and I am going to bed. [opens the front door, Lorelai walks out]
MAX: Um, my parents would really like to have lunch with you and Mr. Gilmore, sometime. . . soon. Nice meeting you. [leaves]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Sookie and Michel are at the front desk.]
MICHEL: I don't care.
SOOKIE: I just need a quick opinion.
MICHEL: It took me two seconds to tell you I don't care. That's as quick as I get.
SOOKIE: This Lorelai's engagement party. It is a once in a lifetime event, and I want it to be perfect.
MICHEL: I am working.
SOOKIE: Just pick a cookie.
MICHEL: I don't want to.
SOOKIE: Michel, for the rest of their lives, Lorelai and Max are gonna think back on their engagement party and they're gonna talk about three things. They're gonna talk about the friends who came, and that special song they danced to, and the cookies that they ate.
MICHEL: Their world is very small, isn't it?
SOOKIE: Macaroons or chocolate pralines?
MICHEL: Go back to the cooking room.
SOOKIE: Not until you eat these and tell me what you think!
MICHEL: Sookie! I only eat fifteen hundred calories a day. If I eat that, I cannot have my Boca burger later.
[Lorelai walks in.]
LORELAI: Hey Sookie. Is there any coffee left? I had a really lousy night.
SOOKIE: Oh, sorry, ya know, I've been so busy I didn't even think about it.
LORELAI: Oh, that's okay. I'll make some myself.
SOOKIE: No! I'll make it! I'll make it! I wanna make it! I wanna make it! Let me do it! I wanna make
hey, I make the coffee!
LORELAI: Sookie, relax, you're busy.
SOOKIE: No, I'm not. Go back to the counter. Michel's stealing.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Lorelai and Sookie walk through the door. The kitchen is filled with decorated cakes and baked goods.]
LORELAI: Oh my god. What is this?
SOOKIE: Uh, the dinner special?
LORELAI: The dinner special is a heart shaped pastry with Max and Lorelai written on it?
SOOKIE: I couldn't find any good salmon.
LORELAI: Oh Sookie, you're throwing me a wedding shower, aren't you?
SOOKIE: It was supposed to be a surprise.
LORELAI: Oh my God, this is amazing, Sookie, even for you.
SOOKIE: Wait 'til you see the ice sculptures!
LORELAI: When is it?
SOOKIE: Tonight.
LORELAI: Uh, so your yen to h*t the bingo parlor in Enfield was. . .
SOOKIE: A vicious vicious lie.
LORELAI: This is incredible. This is really really incredible. My God, is there any pink icing left on the planet?
SOOKIE: The whole town is in on it actually. It's gonna be quite the affair. I think you'll be sufficiently impressed with the amount of people that wanna celebrate this with you.
LORELAI: Michel?
SOOKIE: No.
LORELAI: Right. I, I just, I can't get over this. Ugh. Hey, you didn't by any chance invite my parents, did you?
SOOKIE: Actually, I did.
LORELAI: Oh.
SOOKIE: And at first, I was really torn because I know you have issues with them, but it is your wedding and I assumed you wanted them to be there. Oh no, your mother told you.
LORELAI: Sort of.
SOOKIE: Damn, I thought I mentioned that it was a surprise. I don't know, maybe I didn't. It would be so typical of me. Uh, the cat's already out of the bag, and I'm stuffing imported chocolate squares down my shirt so you don't see me walk into the kitchen with them. Hey, did your mother mention if they were coming? She never got back to me.
LORELAI: Uh, yeah, no, um, she's got a thing tonight.
SOOKIE: Oh, too bad. Hey, we can save her a piece of cake.
LORELAI: That would be nice.
CUT TO ENGAGEMENT PARTY
[In the center of a very decorated Stars Hollow, people are celebrating as Lorelai and Max sit surrounded by presents.]
KIRK: [on bullhorn] Attention guests, the buffet line is clogging at sector B. I repeat, sector B is moving too slow. Keep it moving people.
[Rory walks up to the table where Lane is in charge of the party music.]
RORY: Hey Mr. DJ, put a record on.
LANE: How's it sound?
RORY: Great.
LANE: I'm trying to find that subtle blend between not too cliché sounding traditional tunes with out of left field, should be standard.
RORY: Well, the Sinatra medley was great. I'd maybe skipped playing anything else by The Damned.
LANE: Got it. What time is it?
RORY: It's eight. What time do you leave?
LANE: I have a 10 o'clock flight.
RORY: Have I told you how much I'm gonna miss you?
LANE: Write me. Constantly.
RORY: Everyday.
LANE: Encouraging letters full of hope and see you soons.
RORY: I'll be tying yellow ribbons around the old oak trees.
LANE: I will be back for the wedding.
RORY: You better be.
LANE: Just don't let her change the date.
RORY: Not going to happen. Max is teaching a summer course at the University of Toronto, so if you're back by the end of the summer, it'll be fine.
LANE: Don't say if.
RORY: Right.
[Cut to Lorelai and Max]
MAX: I don't know if you've realized, but every gift so far has been for you.
LORELAI: Yes, well, in this town, I am the queen. You are simply my jester.
MAX: A position I happily accept.
LORELAI: Aw, so come on then. How can you stand to leave all this for two months? Do you think Toronto's gonna make you into an ice sculpture? I don't think so.
MAX: I wish you'd come with me.
LORELAI: I have to work.
MAX: Well, two months is a long time.
LORELAI: I know.
MAX: Will you still want me when I got back?
LORELAI: I think there's a very good possibility that I will be just as infatuated with you then as I am now.
MAX: Maybe more.
LORELAI: Maybe more.
[cut to the gazebo, where young girls dressed as brides gather to perform a dance.]
MISS PATTY: Oh, come on ladies, hurry up. Love waits for no one. Lucy, get off of Jenny's train! All right, bouquets up, and music!
[the girls start dancing. Kirk watches them as Rory walks over to him.]
RORY: How come you're not up there Kirk?
KIRK: Oh, I don't tap anymore. Bum knees.
RORY: Ah.
KIRK: I have to tell you, I'm a little worried about this gazebo holding up all those hoofers. They never did a trial run like I requested.
RORY: Oh, I think it's okay. The studs are definitely sound, and the two by fours are a nice number two structural grade. Or better possibly. I built a house yesterday.
KIRK: Oh, for Pete's sake! [on bullhorn] No tossing of the Jordan almonds. I repeat, put the almonds down!
[Kirk walks away as Dean walks over.]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
DEAN: This is quite a party.
RORY: Elegant and understated, just like my mother.
DEAN: So, uh, how are you?
RORY: I'm fine, how are you?
DEAN: Me? Uh, I'm an idiot.
RORY: No you're not.
DEAN: I'm so sorry Rory.
RORY: I'm sorry too.
DEAN: I don't even know what happened.
RORY: We had a fight, that's all.
DEAN: I mean, I've just missed you and
RORY: I've missed you too.
DEAN: I got
I don't know, I got jealous of Harvard for a minute, which is crazy 'cause I love the fact that you're gonna go to Harvard. And then you have to do something that's gonna help you get there, and I
I don't even, I don't even really understand it myself.
RORY: Well, I didn't help. I was all wigged out when I got home.
DEAN: Well, you had all the right to be.
RORY: It's just that when it comes to Harvard, I sometimes get a little tunnel vision, and it's getting closer
DEAN: Whoa.
RORY:
and I have to think about it
DEAN: You do not have to explain.
RORY: But I don't want you to feel unimportant, because believe me, you're not.
DEAN: I'm glad.
RORY: I mean it. The only way you could be more important to me is if you had a Kit Kat bar growing out of your head.
DEAN: Well, I can't make any promises, but I'll give it a try.
RORY: I'm sorry.
DEAN: Don't be. I mean, I'm not going to a fancy school. I don't have that kind of pressure. I can't even imagine what that must feel like.
RORY: You could go to a fancy school if you wanted to.
DEAN: I don't think so.
RORY: Why not? You're smart.
DEAN: No, you're smart.
RORY: You are too.
DEAN: Rory.
RORY: And I could help you organize all of your extracurricular activities because I'm now an expert at it.
DEAN: I don't
RORY: How are your wilderness skills?
DEAN: Hey?
RORY: What?
DEAN: Do you accept my apology?
RORY: Yeah, I accept your apology.
[cut to Lorelai and Max]
MAX: You okay?
LORELAI: Yeah. You know, I'll just um, I'll be right back.
MAX: Okay.
[cut to Kirk]
KIRK: [on bullhorn] Only three treats per person. No hogging of the treats. If caught with more than three treats on a plate, you will be faced with possible expulsion from said party.
LORELAI: Hey Kirk. Can I see that for a sec?
KIRK: Oh, sure.
LORELAI: Thanks. [walks away with bullhorn]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks in. Luke is at the counter filling up ketchup bottles.]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hey. Why aren't you at your party?
LORELAI: Well that's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
LUKE: Ah, well, I just got kinda busy here.
LORELAI: Oh, yes, I can see that. Boy they keep making that ketchup slower and slower, huh?
LUKE: It's the Heinz family's little joke.
LORELAI: Boy, it's really pretty crazy out there.
LUKE: Oh, I can imagine.
LORELAI: Lots of people all having fun, just the kind of thing you'd hate.
LUKE: Sounds awful
LORELAI: You'd be miserable.
LUKE: Oh, yes I would.
LORELAI: But in spite of all that, I was kind of thinking, and you don't have to, that maybe you could pull yourself away for a second.
LUKE: Ah, well I
LORELAI: I mean, you know, finish the ketchup tonight, but maybe leave the worchestshire sauce for tomorrow.
LUKE: I'll see how it goes.
LORELAI: Okay. I mean, it's just
it's a really big night for me tonight, and I don't know, it just feels like you should be there. Anyway, I'll let you get back to your ketchup. [leaves]
[cut to Sookie and Jackson at the party]
SOOKIE: The macaroons are going like hot cakes!
JACKSON: Yup, everything's a big success.
SOOKIE: Look at all this, isn't it beautiful? I know it's cliché, but it is so romantic it makes you all giddy in a really sappy kind of way, doesn't it?
JACKSON: Uh, sure, I guess.
SOOKIE: I hope they're happy. Ugh, what am I saying? How can they not be happy? They're in love, they have each other, and everything's perfect
JACKSON: Okay! I get it!
SOOKIE: Jackson, what are you
JACKSON: What do you think I need a piano to fall on my head?
SOOKIE: Well, I don't think anybody actually needs a piano to fall on their head.
JACKSON: All the marriage talk, and the, 'Oh Jackson, you should see Lorelai's ring, it's so beautiful.'
SOOKIE: Well, it is.
JACKSON: I understand. I'm hip, okay? We've h*t that point in our relationship where the little hints are starting. Which means that'll be followed by the 'where are we going' talk, and that'll only end in a big ultimatum. Suddenly all hell breaks loose.
SOOKIE: Okay, no more sugar for you.
JACKSON: So, I think I need to say this right now. I'm not ready for marriage.
SOOKIE: Okay.
JACKSON: However, I'd be willing to move in.
SOOKIE: Move in where?
JACKSON: Move in with you.
SOOKIE: [laughing] Jackson, you're hilarious!
JACKSON: I am?
SOOKIE: I'll move in with you. [laughs] What a riot!
JACKSON: Why are you laughing?
SOOKIE: [laughing] You're face! God, you're good. You are good.
JACKSON: I wasn't joking.
SOOKIE: [laughing] Come on, let's go get some punch.
JACKSON: Sookie, I'm serious, I'm moving in.
SOOKIE: [laughing] Jackson, stop, you're gonna give me a cramp!
JACKSON: Sookie, get back here!
[pan around the party to: Miss Patty dancing with Kirk, Rory and Dean sitting on a bench, Lane leaving for the airport, Lorelai and Max dancing, Luke coming to the party. Lorelai and Luke smile and wave at each other. Luke sits down on a bench next to three little girls dressed as brides, who all stare at him.]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily sits at a table writing something as the doorbell rings.]
EMILY: Marina, the door please.
[the maid answers the door. Lorelai walks in.]
LORELAI: Hey. Oh thanks. Hey mom. I was in the neighborhood, 'cause there's that wedding dress place on Willow. Elizabeth Taylor bought one of her dresses there. Anyhow, I was trying to make a decision about a veil, and I thought maybe you might have some opinion about which one would look best on me 'cause, well you know me, so um, I thought I'd stop by and ask you which one you thought would be good. On me. So, which one?
EMILY: You're quite capable of choosing that yourself Lorelai.
LORELAI: I'm sorry.
EMILY: All right, you're sorry.
LORELAI: I don't know how to tell you things Mom. Um, I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but we don't communicate very well. When something good happens to me, I'm just afraid you're gonna make me feel bad about it. And when something bad happens to me, I'm always afraid you'll say 'I told you so.' I'm not sure if that's always fair, and I'm sure I share part of the blame for this circle we get into, but you think your words don't have any effect on me, but they do. And, I just didn't want to feel bad about this, so I waited. And I really didn't mean to hurt you. Okay, well, I will let you get back to that letter there.
EMILY: Your head is much too big for a veil. You might consider a tiara.
LORELAI: Um, a tiara?
EMILY: That's what I wore.
LORELAI: Oh. Okay. Well, I'll think about that. [leaves]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x02 - Hammers and Veils"} | foreverdreaming |
2.03 - Red Light on the Wedding Night
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Gail Mancuso
OPEN AT A BAKERY
[Lorelai and Rory are taste-testing cakes.]
LORELAI: Oh my God, here!
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: With a crunch and a zing and a hm hm hm hm, hello!
RORY: Okay, our house is burning down, and you can save the cake or me. What do you choose?
LORELAI: Well that's not fair. The cake doesn't have legs.
FRAN: So how are we coming here?
LORELAI: Oh Fran, so good. This cake is amazing.
RORY: Beyond amazing.
FRAN: Well, I should hope so. We've been doing this for a 112 years.
LORELAI: Huh. Well, you don't look a day over a 106.
FRAN: No, I meant my family's been doing it for that long.
LORELAI: Right. Okay, well, I'm glad we got that cleared up.
RORY: The raspberry, the raspberry, the raspberry!
FRAN: So, when is the big day again?
LORELAI: Two weeks from tomorrow.
FRAN: Have you picked a flavor?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. They're all so good.
FRAN: Well you have to try them again.
LORELAI: Oh no. I've already eaten so many.
FRAN: This is a very crucial decision, young lady. Cake is the glue of the wedding, so you will stand here and eat until you decide.
LORELAI: Okay, if you insist.
FRAN: I do. After all, what's more important then your wedding day?
LORELAI: Well, it ain't Guy Fawkes day.
FRAN: Yes, well, I'll just go and see if there's anything else in the back. [leaves]
LORELAI: Thanks.
RORY: So how was in seeing Max last night?
LORELAI: Well
RORY: No gory details.
LORELAI: Like I've ever shared that part of my relationship with you.
RORY: You've alluded, you've insinuated, you have tiptoed to the brink of impropriety.
LORELAI: Hm, that Chilton has taught you some big words.
RORY: That's kind of the point.
LORELAI: It was really great. I'm glad he's back.
RORY: And he's on board with the whole smallish wedding thing?
LORELAI: Oh yeah. We want fun, we want simple, we want fast. We've been completely in sync, without the slightly gay boy band affiliation.
RORY: Oh, I printed up some sample invitations for you. I made them on my computer
LORELAI: Aww.
RORY: All you have to do is pick out a quote for the front page, and I'll print 'em up. [shows Lorelai the sample invitations]
LORELAI: Okay. Um
"What is love? It is the morning and the evening star." Ugh.
RORY: Sinclair Lewis.
LORELAI: Sinclair Sappy Lewis.
RORY: Fine, next.
LORELAI: "And all went merry as a marriage bell. But hush! Hark! A deep sound strikes like a rising knell!" What is it with poetry?
RORY: Lord Byron.
LORELAI: Byron and Lewis, together again.
RORY: Okay, last one.
LORELAI: "We have buried the putrid corpse of liberty." Perfect!
RORY: Mussolini it is. Um, can I ask you an ethical question?
LORELAI: Mmm.
RORY: Is it right to be sampling wedding cakes when Sookie's making ours for free?
LORELAI: What is right anyway, you know? Who defines right? And if eating cake is wrong, I don't want to be right.
FRAN: [calls] I'm bringing out a mocha crunch cream.
LORELAI: So, ethics?
RORY: Highly subjective and completely overrated.
LORELAI: That's my girl.
[opening credits]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Max are in the living room talking to Kirk.]
KIRK: And here's a sample of some of my black and white sh*ts.
MAX: Hm.
LORELAI: Wow Kirk, I didn't know you were into photography.
KIRK: It's my passion.
LORELAI: Have you ever sh*t a wedding before?
KIRK: Actually, this would be my first official wedding gig. Or photography gig, for that matter. But believe me, I've got the eye. And my Nikon is state of the art.
MAX: Oh, I've got a Nikon too. It's an N64 with 3D matrix metering, 35 to 210 zoom. What have you got?
KIRK: It's a Nikon.
LORELAI: I gotta tell you Kirk, these are really good for amateur sh*ts.
KIRK: Thanks. That's me and my parents on vacation in the Berkshires.
MAX: Hm, nice looking family.
KIRK: And those are some self-portraits.
LORELAI: Aahh! Kirk, you're nude!
KIRK: No no, I'm wearing Speedos. They're kind of flesh colored.
MAX: Wait a minute. I recognize this.
KIRK: Nice photo, huh?
MAX: This is VJ Day, New York, 1945.
KIRK: Right. I include it as an example of the excellence that I aspire to.
LORELAI: How much for your services?
KIRK: How about a hundred and fifty an hour?
LORELAI: How about lunch and the cost of the film?
KIRK: You won't be sorry.
LORELAI: Done.
KIRK: I thank you.
LORELAI: Bye. [Kirk leaves]
MAX: Oh, uh, what time is it?
LORELAI: Ten
MAX: Ten of?
LORELAI: Three.
MAX: I have to go.
LORELAI: No!
MAX: I have to.
LORELAI: You're always going.
MAX: Well, luckily that'll all change soon.
LORELAI: Yes it will. Two weeks from now you won't have to get going 'cause it's here you'll be going. To. Going or going to?
MAX: I'd add the to.
LORELAI: Hm. Going to. You make me smarter.
MAX: Hm, well, I am a teacher.
LORELAI: Hey, hey, don't. Stay longer.
MAX: I can't.
LORELAI: Take me upstairs and see if you can get me into Mensa.
MAX: It's gonna take me forever to get back into the city, and I gotta get up early to let the painters in.
LORELAI: Hey, do you have to be there while they work?
MAX: What do you mean?
LORELAI: Well, isn't your apartment gonna be all paint fumey?
MAX: Yeah, so?
LORELAI: So, maybe you should stay here.
MAX: Here?
LORELAI: Yeah. Instead of driving back and forth all weekend, sleep over. I mean, it's gonna be your place too soon enough. Look at it like a trial run.
MAX: A trial run.
LORELAI: It'll be fun.
MAX: You think you're ready for me?
LORELAI: I'm always ready for you.
MAX: Full time?
LORELAI: I insist.
MAX: He was not wearing Speedos.
LORELAI: Ugh, don't talk about the photo.
MAX: The man was buck naked.
LORELAI: Offer rescinded if this line of conversation proceeds.
MAX: I'll be back.
LORELAI: Bye hon.
CUT TO CENTER OF STARS HOLLOW
[Rory and Dean are walking around the middle of town.]
DEAN: So, what are we doing tonight?
RORY: I'll do whatever.
DEAN: Well, what movies haven't we seen?
RORY: We haven't seen just about all of them.
DEAN: Yeah, they all stink this year.
RORY: They definitely do underestimate our intelligence.
DEAN: Plus they stink.
RORY: There are at least five of them featuring someone doing something disgusting with a cow.
DEAN: Yeah. I mean, they should at least do something disgusting with a different animal.
RORY: We can watch "Holy Grail" on tape again.
DEAN: Okay, but I am not talking in an English accent for the rest of the evening.
RORY: No fun. Hey, tomorrow night?
DEAN: "Life of Brian?"
RORY: Max is staying over.
DEAN: Really?
RORY: First time. And to kind of celebrate, he and my mom wanted to go on a double date.
DEAN: But tomorrow's our anniversary.
RORY: No it's not, it's on the twenty-fourth.
DEAN: No, that was our old anniversary. We broke up and got back together on the sixth. So using the twenty-fourth wouldn't be an accurate account of how long we've been together.
RORY: Unless you consider our time apart as a temporary moratorium on our relationship. You know, like the time kept passing, and we were on a sabbatical.
DEAN: Yeah, it's complicated.
RORY: Very.
DEAN: So a double date, with adults?
RORY: No, just with Mom and Max.
DEAN: What'll it be, like dinner and dancing?
RORY: Yes, and then we'll enjoy brandy and cigars. No, we'll probably just grab a bite.
DEAN: All right, we can do that.
RORY: Hey, let's have two anniversaries. We can celebrate twice a month. They're well spread apart, the sixth and the twenty-fourth.
DEAN: We can't do that.
RORY: Who's gonna stop us?
DEAN: Twice a month?
RORY: Dare to be different.
DEAN: Twice a month it is.
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Max is cooking dinner while Lorelai sits at the table.]
LORELAI: Why won't you let me help?
MAX: Because you're a danger to the process.
LORELAI: That's not true!
MAX: I've got numerous scars.
LORELAI: I cut you that one
two times, and I've helped you tons of times.
MAX: You helped me twice and both time you cut me.
LORELAI: Well, I do like watching you cook.
MAX: I like you watching me cook.
RORY: [walking into kitchen] What's that weird smell?
LORELAI: It's food!
MAX: It smells weird?
RORY: No, just weird for this house. It smells great.
MAX: Rory, could you get that?
RORY: What?
MAX: Uh, right down there. Uh, shiny handle.
[Rory opens the broiler]
LORELAI: Ugh! Did you know we had that?
RORY: Not a clue.
MAX: Oh come on.
LORELAI: Hey, it's on f*re!
MAX: It's the broiler.
RORY: Wow.
MAX: What fallout shelter have you guys been living in?
RORY: He has much knowledge.
LORELAI: We shall form a cult around him.
RORY: Build a statue many stories high.
LORELAI: We shall grow our hair long and stop bathing.
MAX: Please, don't do any of that.
RORY: Are we eating at the table?
MAX: Wherever you want.
LORELAI: TV?
RORY: I'll get a tape.
LORELAI: Can I at least grab some dishes?
MAX: Far away from me.
LORELAI: Alarmist.
CUT TO LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the floor, Max is sitting on the couch, all are watching a movie.]
TV: 'You don't learn very fast Injun.'
LORELAI: How fast do you learn Billy Jack?
TV: 'Fast enough.'
RORY: Billy Jack, I'm gonna k*ll you if it's the last thing I do.
LORELAI: Ugh, he so jinxed himself with that one.
RORY: Yeah, he should've said 'Billy Jack, I'm gonna k*ll you or buy myself a lovely chenille sweater.'
LORELAI: Ooh, yeah, either way he wins.
MAX: How many times have you seen this movie?
LORELAI: I'm out of digits.
RORY: You can't see a Billy Jack movie too many times.
MAX: Who's the guy Billy Jack's. . .
LORELAI: Shh shh shh!
TV: 'All right you cats. Very slowly now.'
LORELAI: Let's do some jumping jacks.
TV: 'Spread out. One.'
RORY: Oh it's the counting part.
TV: 'He means it Daniel.' 'Two.'
LORELAI: Ooh, here comes my favorite and my least favorite line all rolled into one.
TV: 'I'm gonna cut your bowels out.'
LORELAI: Ughughugh.
RORY: Ahh, yuck!
TV: 'Three.'
LORELAI: Ooh, comeuppance time!
MAX: You guys talk throughout the whole movie and then when I say something, you shush me.
LORELAI: That's because you're talking through parts we talked through last time, so we haven't seen those parts in awhile.
MAX: Ah, well now it's clear.
[phone rings]
LORELAI: Max?
MAX: What? The phone?
LORELAI: Whoever's closest answers.
RORY: House rule.
MAX: You're both closer.
LORELAI: Oh, but I'd have to walk around the coffee table so my path would be farther.
RORY: And my foot's asleep.
LORELAI: Plus you're taller.
RORY: With longer legs.
LORELAI: Yes, so even if we all left for the phone at exactly the same time
MAX: I got it. [goes to answer phone]
LORELAI: I'm gonna like having him around.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE LATER THAT NIGHT
[Lorelai and Rory are still on the floor. Max is asleep on the couch.]
LORELAI: You want a refill?
RORY: Sure, same thing.
LORELAI: Max?
RORY: Uh oh.
LORELAI: We wore him out.
RORY: We tend to do that.
LORELAI: Well, we are ElectraWoman and DynaGirl.
MAX: ElectraWoman.
RORY: I think it's time to turn in.
LORELAI: Yeah.
MAX: I'm awake.
RORY: You don't look it.
MAX: No, I am. I'm just waiting for the guy with the thing on the
RORY: Mom, get him to bed.
LORELAI: Yeah, okay. Come on hon.
MAX: What happened to Billy Jack?
LORELAI: I'll explain it to you later.
RORY: Goodnight.
LORELAI: Goodnight.
MAX: Goodnight.
LORELAI: [whispers] Is this weird?
RORY: [shrugs]
PAN OVER LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Max is asleep while Lorelai lay awake staring at the ceiling.]
CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM
[Rory is sleeping. Lorelai walks in and sits on her bed.]
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: What? What is it?
LORELAI: Oh nothing. Whatcha doing?
RORY: Taking back Poland.
LORELAI: Oh, good luck with that.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I have a boy in my room
RORY: So?
LORELAI: So I have a boy in my room.
RORY: It's Max.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: You like Max.
LORELAI: No, uhh, yes, I do, but it's weird. We've never had a man in the house like this up there.
RORY: He's your fiancé.
LORELAI: Very true.
RORY: So all you need to do is adjust. It's like that time you got the green stripes in your hair.
LORELAI: I hated those green stripes.
RORY: Well, I'm tired. I can think of a better example tomorrow.
LORELAI: No, wake up, wake up. We've not properly talked about this.
RORY: About what?
LORELAI: About having Max in the house. About the effect on you. Don't cover up anything. Let's get it all out in the open.
RORY: I don't have anything to cover up. I like Max.
LORELAI: I know you do, and that's good. But you know, once we are married, nothing will ever be the same again.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: It won't just be the 'me and you secret special clubhouse no boys allowed' thing anymore.
RORY: It will be different.
LORELAI: Not just different. Our lives as we know them will be over.
RORY: Mom, we're not dying.
LORELAI: No, we're not dying. But the life we had is gonna morph into this like mutation that we could never possibly have conceived.
RORY: Like the giant ants in "Them"?
LORELAI: Metaphorically speaking, yes. And I don't want it to be like giant ants, so that's why I'm talking about it now.
RORY: I am in no way anticipating being att*cked by giant man-eating ants because Max is living here.
LORELAI: Good. Good.
RORY: Weirdo.
LORELAI: You know, you can't walk around in the buff anymore.
RORY: I don't remember ever walking around in the buff.
LORELAI: I know one time you did.
RORY: Was I three?
LORELAI: Somewhere around there.
RORY: Does he hog the bed?
LORELAI: No. He's a very 'stay on his side' kinda guy.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: He's cute. He wears pajama bottoms.
RORY: Stop.
LORELAI: Not funny ones. I hate funny bottoms.
RORY: I'm gonna call you Funny Bottoms from now on.
LORELAI: Nuh uh!
RORY: Aren't you happy?
LORELAI: Yes. I'm happy.
RORY: Well, then it'll be fine. You'll get used to it, having Max there.
LORELAI: I know. You're right. I will. I will get used to it. [closes her eys]
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Hm?
RORY: You're falling asleep.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: You need to be a big girl and go to your own room.
LORELAI: Okay. [pretends she can't get up] Uh, uh...
RORY: Fine, ten more minutes
LORELAI: Thank you.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is walking around serving coffee.]
LUKE: More?
TAYLOR: Absotivalutely.
LUKE: What's up Taylor?
TAYLOR: Up, I know of nothing up.
LUKE: What's up Taylor?
TAYLOR: I'm just happy.
LUKE: That's what makes me nervous.
TAYLOR: You're a paranoid man Luke. I feel very sad for you.
[Lorelai and Rory walk in.]
LUKE: Over there.
LORELAI: Uh, can you clear that one off?
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: 'Cause it's bigger.
LUKE: So.
LORELAI: Well, we're three today.
LUKE: Three?
LORELAI: Yeah, Max is with us.
LUKE: Max, huh? So when did Max become invisible to the human eye?
LORELAI: He's on a paper hunt.
RORY: Max likes his three papers in the morning. The Hartford Courant, the New York Times, and the Wall Street Journal.
LUKE: Three papers.
LORELAI: He likes to be well informed.
LUKE: Yeah, well, reading three papers all reporting the same news is a terrific use of trees.
LORELAI: You be nice Luke, I mean it.
[Max walks into the diner]
MAX: Hey there.
LUKE: Max, buddy, top of the morning to you! Hey, you look good today. Brown is your color, my friend.
MAX: Thanks.
LORELAI: So?
MAX: I got two out of three.
RORY: Not bad
MAX: No one has the Wall Street Journal.
RORY: Well this isn't a very financially oriented town.
LORELAI: Yes, it's more oriented to coffee.
LUKE: I've got the blueberry pancakes this morning.
LORELAI: Bring 'em.
RORY: Bring 'em twice.
LUKE: And you?
MAX: I'm gonna need a minute.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, then, hold off.
RORY: Same here.
LUKE: I might run out of the pancakes.
MAX: Go ahead, order. I'll just be a minute.
LORELAI: No that's okay. We'll wait.
LUKE: I'm almost out and I can't make more.
LORELAI: Set some aside.
LUKE: It's first come, first serve.
RORY: We'll take our chances.
LORELAI: Yes, we'll wait.
LUKE: Whatever. [walks away]
MAX: You didn't need to do that.
LORELAI: Aww, happy to.
[Max reads over the menu while Rory and Lorelai watch him.]
LORELAI: Okay, yeah, that's still eggs and all your basic breakfast stuff up there.
MAX: Just order.
RORY: We're fine.
MAX: I want you guys to go at your normal pace. My rhythm might not necessarily be your rhythm. [Luke walks over, hands Max another menu] What's this?
LUKE: It's the lunch menu. I stop serving breakfast in an hour.
LORELAI: Luke.
MAX: I'll have poached eggs.
LORELAI: And blueberry pancakes!
RORY: Did we make it?!
LUKE: I already set 'em aside.
LORELAI: Love ya!
[Luke notices a work crew outside.]
LUKE: What the hell they doing out there?
TAYLOR: What? Who is that?
LUKE: What are they doing Taylor?
TAYLOR: Looks like they're coning off the street.
LUKE: Taylor.
TAYLOR: Well, if you must know, they are a county work crew here to install Stars Hollow's first traffic light and metered crosswalk. [Luke rushes outside] Luke!
LUKE: [to work crew] Hold it!
TAYLOR: [to work crew] Keep going. [to Luke] You have no controlling legal authority over this matter.
LUKE: Stuff it Taylor. Hold it!
TAYLOR: Keep going. And I will not stuff it.
LUKE: What authority did you have to authorize this? You're supposed to inform local business owners of major projects per the town's rules, meaning me.
TAYLOR: Not when it's a matter of dire public safety, where the city charter clearly states that I can function unilaterally in the town's best interest.
LUKE: Dire public safety! We haven't had an accident here in ten years!
TAYLOR: You can't stop progress Luke.
[Taylor walks away. Lorelai comes out of the diner.]
LORELAI: Traffic light, huh?
LUKE: It's unbelievable.
LORELAI: Well, it can always be taken out
with your bare hands or your teeth.
LUKE: Yeah, I guess.
LORELAI: Hey, did you get my invitation?
LUKE: The what?
LORELAI: My wedding invitation for my wedding 'cause I'm wedding Max.
LUKE: Oh yeah, yeah. It's in a pile upstairs somewhere.
LORELAI: Good, good. So are you coming?
LUKE: You know, I gotta make some calls about this thing before it's too late. I'll see you later.
LORELAI: Okay. Uh
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[It's nighttime. Lorelai, Rory, Max, and Dean are walking along the sidewalk.]
MAX: Ugh, I can barely walk.
LORELAI: Bad shoes?
MAX: I ate a cow.
LORELAI: You had a steak.
MAX: Plus the sides. Four people, six baked potatoes.
LORELAI: Uh, you always exaggerate.
MAX: Am I exaggerating?
DEAN: Nope.
RORY: Ooh, ice cream! [runs off]
LORELAI: Ooh, I'm right behind you! [runs off]
MAX: How can they possibly eat more?
DEAN: Kind of surprised.
MAX: I know. They're bottomless pits.
DEAN: I mean at you. You've known them long enough not to be so confused.
[They both sit on a bench.]
MAX: Oh, I'm not confused. I'm just . . . what do you mean?
DEAN: Their eating habits are just the start of what you're gonna have to get used to. There's tons of stuff you should be aware of.
MAX: Really?
DEAN: Oh yeah. Like, don't ever use the last of the parmesan cheese. And never get into a heavy discussion late at night 'cause that's when they're at their crankiest. Oh, and uh, go with their bits.
MAX: Their bits?
DEAN: Yeah, like, if you're eating pizza with them and Lorelai decides that the pepperoni is angry at the mushrooms because the mushrooms have an attitude and then she holds up a pepperoni and the pepperoni asks for your opinion...don't just laugh. Answer the pepperoni.
MAX: Answer the pepperoni.
DEAN: And don't let them near puppies 'cause they'll want to take home every one.
MAX: Oh, that one I knew.
DEAN: Oh, and uh, here's a big one. If you ever think that they're doing something crazy, they're not. You see, after a while, their thinking becomes clear, but by the time it's clear, they've already done two other totally crazy things that you can't figure out. So there's no catching up.
MAX: You have much knowledge.
DEAN: You got that from Rory.
MAX: Right.
DEAN: Oh, and hey, does Lorelai know what kind of ice cream you like?
MAX: Yeah, chocolate chip. But I already told her that I
LORELAI: Hey, chocolate chip. [hands him an ice cream cone]
MAX: Thanks.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT PORCH
[Lorelai, Rory, Max, and Dean walk up to Lorelai's house.]
LORELAI: Ugh, I'm so full. Why'd you let me eat so much?
DEAN: Yeah, they'll blame you.
[Lorelai goes inside]
MAX: It's past eleven guys.
RORY: Okay.
[Max goes inside]
CUT TO LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Lorelai is lying on her bed. Max walks into the room.]
LORELAI: Mm.
MAX: How ya doing?
LORELAI: Mm, I'm s*ab.
MAX: You're a lovely shade of puce.
LORELAI: Don't say puce. It sounds too much like another word I don't wanna hear right now.
MAX: Sorry. You know they're still outside.
LORELAI: Who?
MAX: Rory and Dean.
LORELAI: Oh.
MAX: How long you think they'll be out there?
LORELAI: I don't know.
MAX: So there's no time limit or anything?
LORELAI: Yes. As soon as they both get tired of saying 'No, you're prettier' to each other, then the night's over.
MAX: Lorelai, come on.
LORELAI: What?
MAX: Well, I'm gonna be living here soon.
LORELAI: I know that.
MAX: So I just thought I should know what the procedure is when stuff like this comes up.
LORELAI: Stuff like what?
MAX: Say you're not here, I come home, there's Rory and Dean in the dark all alone after eleven. I mean, how do I handle stuff like that?
LORELAI: Oh, Max, Rory is very low maintenance. Kind of like that robot kid in A.I., only way less mother-obsessed. Oh my God, that kid was so annoying. I would've pushed him out of the car while it was still moving.
MAX: Well, what if I catch them one night making out on the couch?
LORELAI: Umm
well, turn off the light?
MAX: You're not being serious.
LORELAI: Max, they're teenagers. They can kiss a little bit.
MAX: Okay, well, what do I do if Rory comes home drunk?
LORELAI: Come on!
MAX: It happens.
LORELAI: Not to Rory it doesn't.
MAX: I know. But theoretically, just in a make believe world, if she did, what would I do?
LORELAI: Nothing.
MAX: Excuse me?
LORELAI: No, you would do nothing. I would handle it.
MAX: So basically, I have no role in Rory's life.
LORELAI: Max, Rory's done. She's brought up, she's Rory. You don't need a role.
MAX: Fine.
LORELAI: I don't see the problem here.
MAX: Clearly. So, I should do nothing around here ever.
LORELAI: No, not nothing ever.
MAX: What then?
LORELAI: Well, making the garlic bread the other night was really good.
MAX: So other than making the garlic bread and answering the phone, what else is my role around here?
LORELAI: Well, you're my fella. You're my guy, you're my old man.
MAX: What does that entail?
LORELAI: All things dirty.
MAX: I'm not joking here. We're getting married Lorelai.
LORELAI: I know.
MAX: Well, that means we're taking two separate lives and melding them together. I mean, how do you think that's gonna work?
LORELAI: I don't know.
MAX: Well, have you given it any thought at all?
LORELAI: Not really. No, I
I mean, but I will! But I
I'll start now.
MAX: How would you feel if I told you I haven't thought about our future at all?
LORELAI: Terrible, I would feel terrible, I'm sorry. I mean it, I'm sorry. Please come here. Remember, it's all those little annoying quirks that make me the fascinating woman you fell in love with. Hmm? [they kiss]
MAX: Really not fair.
LORELAI: I've got a lingerie drawer full of not fair, mister.
MAX: Okay. I mean, we didn't need to get into this tonight. I definitely broke Dean's late night cranky rule.
LORELAI: Who's what?
MAX: Nothing.
CUT TO OUTSIDE LUKE'S DINER
[A crowd is standing around the new traffic light.]
TAYLOR: Welcome townspeople! I
[crumbled up piece of paper hits him in the head] So you're gonna spoil it for all of us right off the bat, huh Luke?
LUKE: Why waste time?
SOOKIE: What about dinner?
LORELAI: Oh, you don't eat dinner at a bachelorette party.
SOOKIE: You gotta eat.
LORELAI: No, you gotta drink, dance, party and drink some more.
SOOKIE: We'll all hurl before the night's half over.
TAYLOR: This is all very fascinating.
LORELAI: Oh, sorry Teach. We'll keep it down.
TAYLOR: How about keeping it silent?
LORELAI: [whispers] Way down.
TAYLOR: Or zipping it shut?
LORELAI: [in high voice] Little tiny mice voices.
TAYLOR: Townspeople, we should all be proud of the new addition to our streets. I know many of you have wanted a traffic light and a crosswalk for many years
LUKE: What?
TAYLOR:
and now, your dream has come true.
LUKE: It's like h*tler's Germany.
TAYLOR: Luke!
LUKE: You're trying to brainwash us, Taylor. Telling us we want something that we don't and not giving us any choice.
LORELAI: Luke, shish! We're planning.
LUKE: I heard, and you're idiots if you don't eat first.
TAYLOR: Everybody, let me segue into the informational portion of our gathering. If I can turn your attention to the pole here, you will see a yellow button with an instructional panel right above it.
MISS PATTY: Oh my God. That's the biggest yellow button I've ever seen.
TAYLOR: Now if you'll read the panel above the button, you'll learn how the system works.
MISS PATTY: 'To cross street, push yellow button, wait for walk signal. When signal reads walk, step into street and proceed to the other side.'
LUKE: It's written for morons.
BABETTE: In big stupid letters too!
MOREY: I hate being infantalized.
TAYLOR: Does no one here care about this fate of near accidents we have suffered over the past year?
LUKE: Near accidents. Meaning they didn't happen.
TAYLOR: Just because they didn't happen doesn't mean that we shouldn't ward against them.
LUKE: There's lots of things that don't happen that we don't ward against.
TAYLOR: Like?
LUKE: Like everything.
TAYLOR: So that everything doesn't happen here, meaning nothing happens?
LUKE: No, it's not nothing happens. Stuff happens. It's that it
it's not everything that's
it's
Dammit Taylor!
TAYLOR: Ha! Now, for some interesting stats
[voice fades into background]
LORELAI: So let's see. That's you, me, Miss Patty, Rory, Babette. Babette, you're coming right?
BABETTE: Doll, I'm sorry. I'm not gonna be able to make it.
LORELAI: Babette, no.
BABETTE: We're having Morey's parents over for dinner, and if you cancel on 'em last minute, they'll stick a red-hot poker up your 'you know where'.
LORELAI: Oh, well, we'll miss you.
BABETTE: Yeah, well stick your hand down the front of some guy's pants for me, would ya?
LORELAI: I hope you're talking about a stripper.
BABETTE: Whatever.
TAYLOR:
Now the length of the walk signal's duration has thoughtfully been timed to accommodate the pace of Stars Hollow's oldest living resident. So, to inaugurate the signal, our beloved Mrs. Lanahan is going to push the button and lead the first historic group across the street. Ready with the camera Kirk?
KIRK: Rolling. [starts taking pictures]
MISS PATTY: Uh, the cap is still on the lens, dear.
KIRK: Oh thanks.
LORELAI: I'm not wearing a veil at the party.
SOOKIE: But the bride always wears a veil at the bachelorette party.
LORELAI: I'm not wearing a veil at the wedding.
SOOKIE: You're not? I love veils!
LORELAI: Nah, we're going cas Sook.
SOOKIE: But it's a big day, you gotta have some pomp.
LUKE: You should elope and get it over with.
SOOKIE: No one asked you.
LORELAI: Believe me, eloping was not out of the question.
SOOKIE: But you don't get a wedding over with.
LUKE: Why not? It's a bureaucratic civil ceremony, a pretty pointless one.
SOOKIE: Agh! Don't listen to him.
LORELAI: Ah, he's just being Luke
LUKE: It's not biologically natural for people to mate for life. Animals don't mate for life. Well, ducks do, but who the hell cares what ducks do?
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: I mean, people grow and evolve their whole lives. The chances that you're gonna grow and evolve at the same rate as someone else...too slim to take. The minute you say 'I do', you're sticking yourself in a tiny little box for the rest of your life. But hey, at least you had a party first, right?
SOOKIE: Okay, I'm tired of you now. We're gonna finish this conversation away from Crotchety Guy. [Sookie pulls Lorelai away]
CUT TO OUTSIDE NIGHT CLUB
[Lorelai, Sookie, Rory, Miss Patty, and Michel are standing in line outside a night club.]
MISS PATTY: Oh, this place looks like fun!
RORY: They're never gonna let me in.
LORELAI: They will let you in.
MICHEL: This is a felony, you know, corrupting a minor. We'll all end up in the bookie.
RORY: He's right. We're all going to the bookie.
LORELAI: Sweetie, don't say bookie. It's creepy.
SOOKIE: Just try to look older.
RORY: How?
SOOKIE: Look like you're thinking about retirements or 401Ks and stuff.
MICHEL: Yes, you should've brought your fake beard and mustache.
LORELAI: Who invited Mister Schnickelfritz?
SOOKIE: He heard us planning and wanted to come.
MICHEL: I did not know the evening included babysitting.
LORELAI: She's going to get in. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Hey!
MAX: So my bachelor party's come to a screeching halt.
LORELAI: What? Why?
MAX: There's been an accident. I'm fine, but we're at the hospital.
LORELAI: Oh my God, what happened?
MAX: We're coming out of the restaurant and we're heading toward our next stop when my brother decides to leap frog over a parking meter.
LORELAI: Why did he do that?
MAX: Middle child.
LORELAI: Poor Jan.
MAX: Anyway, he didn't make it.
LORELAI: Ugh. Ouch. How drunk was he?
MAX: He claims he wasn't drunk. He's saying that the parking meters in Hartford are taller then the parking meters in Deluth so he just miscalculated.
LORELAI: Huh.
MAX: Yup.
MAX'S BROTHER: I've got a concussion. I'm good. Let's drink.
MAX: Hold on a second. You got a concussion?
MAX'S BROTHER: Yeah, it's a little one
LORELAI: What is he saying?
MAX: It's a mild concussion. We're gonna take him home.
LORELAI: All right, well take him home, and then go h*t a strip club.
MAX: Excuse me?
LORELAI: I am telling you, this is your last chance to look at another woman's breastage.
MAX: Point well taken. I'll call you tomorrow. [they hang up]
SOOKIE: Okay, new rule for the evening. No calls to fiancés or boyfriends or anything else like that. It's girls' night out. Plus Michel.
[They reach the club entrance]
LORELAI: Hey.
BOUNCER: It's twelve bucks. And it's eighteen and over.
SOOKIE: Oh, she's eighteen.
RORY: That's right. Last week. So it's a new eighteen, but it's eighteen, yup.
BOUNCER: You got some ID?
LORELAI: Hey, uh, sir, make way for Rory. That's her name. And her only name. Rory. Single name, she's that important. Internationally known international supermodel and sometimes spokesperson for international products.
SOOKIE: She's very big in Germany.
LORELAI: Yah, yah, yah, with the leichter hosen and such.
BOUNCER: Twelve bucks.
LORELAI: Thank you.
SOOKIE: Danke shane, cutie.
CUT TO INSIDE CLUB
MICHEL: This is a drag club.
SOOKIE: It's called the Queen Victoria. What did you expect, tea and crumpets?
LORELAI: Aw, you guys, I guess we're gonna have to stand.
SOOKIE: Wait, that one looks open.
LORELAI: Oh.
[They walk towards the table. Emily is sitting there.]
SOOKIE: Oh my God.
LORELAI: What in Lucifer's reach is my mother doing here?
MICHEL: Oh, I invited her.
LORELAI: You what?
MICHEL: Just a little surprise for you. I thought it would be a kick.
[They walk over to Emily.]
LORELAI: Excuse me sir, you look just like my mother.
RORY: Hi Grandma. Come here often?
EMILY: I should say not. How did you get in?
RORY: Oh, apparently, I'm an internationally known supermodel.
EMILY: Happy bachelorette party, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Thank you Mother.
EMILY: And in the future, when you plan one of these things, and you tell a person to show up at eight o'clock, it is considered good manners for you to also show up at eight o'clock.
LORELAI: Well, I didn't exactly invite you mother, Michel did.
EMILY: Ah, well, I feel much better now.
LORELAI: Huh, let's drink.
MISS PATTY: Looks like Emily's gotten a head start. What are you drinking honey?
EMILY: Manhattan. Good too. Not too sweet. I ordered it from that nice fellow dressed as Joan Crawford.
MICHEL: So, is there no dancing here? I was hoping there'd be dancing.
SOOKIE: You need to strut Tony Minero?
MICHEL: It is a weekend and on the weekend I like to move, and the ladies, they like it too.
LORELAI: Especially when you move out of town. Ba zing!
EMILY: Has she eaten?
SOOKIE: Yeah. About a quart of wine.
[A waitress comes to the table]
LORELAI: Hmm, hi Mae West.
WAITRESS: What can I get for you?
MICHEL: My dignity back.
LORELAI: We'll have a rum and coke, a margarita no salt, martini with olives, a Shirley Temple
WAITRESS: Love her!
RORY: I'll have her on the rocks please.
LORELAI: And uh, I will have a giant Long Island iced tea.
WAITRESS: Coming up. [leaves]
EMILY: So Lorelai, how are you feeling?
LORELAI: Um, well, I'm tipsy, but just short of seeing pink elephants.
EMILY: No, I mean about you getting married. It's only a week away.
LORELAI: I'm fine. Everything's fine. I figured once I got the shoes to match the dress, the rest was just gravy.
EMILY: I must say, I admire your composure. The week before my wedding, I was a wreck.
MISS PATTY: So was I, before all of mine.
SOOKIE: How many was that?
MISS PATTY: Well, uh, there was Sinjin, John, Sergio, Sinjin. Three men, four times.
SOOKIE: Do you regret any of them?
MISS PATTY: Well, Sinjin was a let down the second time, but he was my Burton and I was his Taylor. Just wish I could've found a little Mike Todd there in the middle.
EMILY: You know, I can't believe it was 34 years ago that I married Richard. I remember it so distinctly.
SOOKIE: Ooh, this is gonna be a romantic story.
EMILY: My stomach was not my friend. It was full of butterflies, I couldn't eat a bite the whole week.
LORELAI: Hmm, what a bummer.
EMILY: I was actually weak in the knees. Trembling all the time, can you imagine?
RORY: Really?
EMILY: When I wasn't actually with Richard, I was thinking about him. Constantly. Imagining what he was doing, was he thinking about me? Making up little scenarios in my head about how we'd run into each other accidentally at the club. And he would be playing golf and I would walk by and he would be so distracted that he'd completely miss the ball. Silly.
SOOKIE: It's sweet.
EMILY: I was in love
MICHEL: It is wonderful to be in love
EMILY: But the thing I remember most was that for the entire week before my wedding, I'd wait 'til my mother went to sleep, and I'd sneak out of bed and I'd put on my wedding dress and my tiara and my gloves, and I would stare at myself in the mirror and think how very safe I felt. How very right and wise and honored. This is a very good drink. I highly recommend it.
SOOKIE: Okay, I have got to make a call.
MISS PATTY: Are you calling Jackson?
SOOKIE: No. Well yes, but it's only because I need to pick up something I left at his house, that if it's still there, I should. . .hi honey, it's me. [leaves table]
EMILY: And who are you writing to?
RORY: I just want to see if Dean's around.
EMILY: And thinking about you?
MISS PATTY: Oh no, not you too.
LORELAI: No, it's just..it's
I'll be quick. [walks away from the table, dials her cell phone] Hi.
CHRISTOPHER: Hi. Who's this?
LORELAI: It's Trixie from the other night. You never called me.
CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Uh, you got me. Whatcha doing?
CHRISTOPHER: I'm just hanging out. What are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm at a bachelorette party.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh cool. Who's?
LORELAI: Mine.
CHRISTOPHER: Yours? Wow.
LORELAI: I know. I'm still kinda 'wow' about it myself.
CHRISTOPHER: Well who's the lucky guy?
LORELAI: Oh, you don't know him. His name's Max.
CHRISTOPHER: Right. Max.
LORELAI: You do know him?
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, Rory mentioned him. She didn't mention it was serious.
LORELAI: Well, it wasn't. We hooked up, and then it was going good, then we broke up 'cause one of us kinda freaked out
CHRISTOPHER: You freaked out.
LORELAI: I freaked out. And then we got back together and it suddenly got very serious.
CHRISTOPHER: So is he worthy?
LORELAI: Is anyone?
CHRISTOPHER: Bono, maybe? Brian Ferry?
LORELAI: Get serious.
CHRISTOPHER: A young Tom Waits?
LORELAI: Now you're talking.
CHRISTOPHER: So what's he like?
LORELAI: He's great.
CHRISTOPHER: Could you be a little more vague?
LORELAI: I don't know. He's Max. He's great.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, what's his CD collection like?
LORELAI: Don't read into his CD collection.
CHRISTOPHER: Jazz, classical, what's the story?
LORELAI: It's a kind of a general collection.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh oh.
LORELAI: Uh, Christopher.
CHRISTOPHER: Are we talking a dozen soundtracks, a few Beatles, a Bob Dylan, plus a generic fifty?
LORELAI: I said don't.
CHRISTOPHER: Alanis Morissette?
LORELAI: Hey, a lot of people knee-jerked and bought that first one of hers. Cut him some slack.
CHRISTOPHER: Dave Matthews?
LORELAI: A couple of his things are good.
CHRISTOPHER: Buena Vista Social Club?
LORELAI: Stop it.
CHRISTOPHER: Enya?
LORELAI: I'm gonna h*t you.
CHRISTOPHER: We're on the phone.
LORELAI: I'm gonna come over there and h*t you.
CHRISTOPHER: You're at your bachelorette party.
LORELAI: Right. Right.
CHRISTOPHER: So why are you calling me?
LORELAI: Um, because you know me really well.
CHRISTOPHER: Yes I do.
LORELAI: And I just wanted to tell someone who knows me really well that I am getting married.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, as someone who knows you really well, I say congratulations. If you found the guy, I think that's great.
LORELAI: And you can picture me married, right?
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. To the right guy, I can picture you married.
LORELAI: Thanks.
CHRISTOPHER: You should get back to your party.
LORELAI: Right, right. He's a great guy, Max.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I'm sure he is. I was just kidding around.
LORELAI: I know. Well, I'll talk to you later.
CHRISTOPHER: Bye. Hey, can you put Trixie back on the phone?
LORELAI: Bye.
[Lorelai walks back to the table.]
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Michel leave?
SOOKIE: Nope. He said he had to shake his thing. So how's your guy?
LORELAI: Hmm?
SOOKIE: How's Max doing?
LORELAI: Fine. Fine, everything's just fine.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Lorelai and Sookie are sitting down drinking coffee.]
LORELAI: I think I know what an aneurysm feels like before you have it.
SOOKIE: Like a baseball the size of a cantaloupe in your head.
LORELAI: [giggle] Good one.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Baseball the size of a cantaloupe.
SOOKIE: Yeah.
LORELAI: 'Cause a baseball can only be one size, so it's a Yogi Berra type thing.
SOOKIE: Yogi Bear?
LORELAI: No. Forget it.
[Michel walks into the kitchen]
MICHEL: I feel like crap on toast.
LORELAI: Hey, where were you after you broke off from the group?
MICHEL: Oh, I sat at a table with Janet Jackson and Celine Dion. Very nice guys. Oh, by the way, your husband-to-be is out there looking annoyingly perky. Slap him or I will.
[Lorelai walks into the lobby]
MAX: Hey!
LORELAI: Ahhh.
MAX: So what'd I do?
LORELAI: You spoke in a normal volume
MAX: Sorry.
LORELAI: You did nothing wrong, I'm just mad you're not more hungover.
MAX: I tried, I did.
LORELAI: Ah, liar.
MAX: I drank copiously.
LORELAI: People who drank copiously the night before do not use words like copiously.
MAX: Ask my brother.
LORELAI: How is Mr. McMeterHopper?
MAX: Ironically, he feels better than you.
LORELAI: Uh, it's so wrong.
MAX: He's fine. So I was gonna drop my printer off at the house but Rory wasn't there, and guess who doesn't possess his own set of keys yet.
LORELAI: Ahh, guessing it's you.
MAX: Still me.
LORELAI: Max, I'm sorry, I forgot.
MAX: Again.
LORELAI: Again. You're mad.
MAX: No. A little.
LORELAI: They're just keys.
MAX: Try being without them and say that.
LORELAI: I've lost my keys before.
MAX: Well, I haven't lost them. I never got 'em.
LORELAI: You'll get them.
MAX: I'm trying really hard not to read too much into this.
LORELAI: Like what?
MAX: Like you don't want me having keys or you don't want me coming in the house.
LORELAI: Max, that's crazy.
MAX: Well, I need keys.
LORELAI: Well, I need an assistant.
MAX: No, you need to think about someone other than yourself for a few minutes a day.
LORELAI: Ouch.
MAX: That was too strong. Maybe I am a little hungover.
LORELAI: It's not a good day for keys or communication.
MAX: You know what, I'll just bring the printer by later.
LORELAI: Yeah, bring it tomorrow.
MAX: I'll bring it tomorrow.
LORELAI: Okay. I'll have the keys.
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Lorelai is sitting at the table paying bills. Rory is at the counter.]
RORY: I can't believe school's already starting.
LORELAI: Ugh. I used to hate school starting. I once flipped the pages back in a calendar my mom kept in the kitchen and tried to convince her it was June and not September.
RORY: Didn't work?
LORELAI: Hmm, oddly enough.
RORY: I got an interesting call today. [sits at the table]
LORELAI: Oh yeah, who?
RORY: Dad.
LORELAI: Cool. How is he? I..I..I talked to him last night.
RORY: He mentioned that.
LORELAI: Yeah, I was about to mention it myself.
RORY: That's quite a coincidence.
LORELAI: Yeah. Did I not mention it last night?
RORY: Huh, no, not to my knowledge.
LORELAI: I could've sworn I did.
RORY: Why'd you call him?
LORELAI: Oh, just to check in.
RORY: At your bachelorette party?
LORELAI: Seemed as good a time as any.
RORY: To catch up on calls?
LORELAI: Yeah, pretty much.
RORY: Seems like a weird time.
LORELAI: Did he call just to fink on me?
RORY: No. He wanted to see what's up with you. He thought it was weird too.
LORELAI: Heaven forbid I ever use the phone again.
RORY: Was it when you told us you were calling Max?
LORELAI: Somewhere around there.
RORY: Why would you tell us you were calling Max?
LORELAI: Honey, someday when you're a little older you will be introduced to something that is extremely seductive but fickle. A fair-weather friend who seems benign but packs a wallop like a donkey kick, and that is the Long Island iced tea. The Long Island iced tea makes you do things that you normally wouldn't do, like lifting your skirt in public or calling someone you normally wouldn't call at really weird times.
RORY: I'm not looking forward to meeting the Long Island iced tea.
LORELAI: I'd definitely walk the other way.
RORY: You know, Dad wants you to be happy.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: And I really want you to be happy.
LORELAI: I know, sweetie.
RORY: You are happy about all this, aren't you?
LORELAI: Don't I seem happy?
RORY: I guess.
LORELAI: Okay then.
RORY: All right. I'll be in my room if you need me.
LORELAI: Okay.
CUT TO FRONT YARD
[Lorelai comes out the front door and sees Luke taking a large wooden archway off the back of his truck.]
LORELAI: What is that?
LUKE: Oh, it's a chuppah.
LORELAI: A what?
LUKE: A chuppah. You stand under it, you and Max. It's for your wedding.
LORELAI: Did you make that?
LUKE: Yeah, I had some time, so
here, give me a hand, huh?
LORELAI: Luke, it's beautiful.
LUKE: Yeah, well, I saw a picture in a book. The picture looked better.
LORELAI: It's got carvings. Birds and flowers.
LUKE: Yeah, there's also a goat.
LORELAI: A goat!
LUKE: Yeah, I don't know what it stands for, but it was in the picture, and you like goats, right?
LORELAI: Yeah, goats are good.
LUKE: Okay, so there you go.
LORELAI: What on earth inspired you to do this?
LUKE: You're getting married. You can't just stand in the hot sun in the middle of a lawn that hasn't been mowed in weeks. I guess he doesn't mow.
LORELAI: No, Max isn't a mower.
LUKE: Okay, you needed something. Here it is. I'll mow it if you want.
LORELAI: We got a guy who does that. One of the Pete's from the nursery.
LUKE: Big Pete?
LORELAI: Little Pete.
LUKE: He's the better of the Pete's.
LORELAI: We've always thought so. Hey, aren't chuppahs Jewish?
[They sit on the front porch steps]
LUKE: Maybe.
LORELAI: Is it okay that Max and I aren't Jewish?
LUKE: It's okay by me.
LORELAI: No, but I mean to stand under it. God won't smite us or anything?
LUKE: I highly doubt it. Plus God'd probably have to get a license from Taylor to do any smiting in Stars Hollow on a weekend, so I'd say your safe. You know, I wasn't putting down Max. He seems like a really good guy.
LORELAI: He is, and you were putting him down.
LUKE: Yeah, well, I didn't mean to.
LORELAI: Did you mean all those things you said about marriage?
LUKE: What things?
LORELAI: You really want me to repeat them to you?
LUKE: No. I mean, I guess, for some people marriage, you know, isn't the worst thing in the world. I mean, it's probably better than being hobbled or something like that.
LORELAI: And people can evolve together, don't you think?
LUKE: Maybe.
LORELAI: Yoko and John Lennon did. They just got closer and closer as the years went by. At the end, they had the same face.
LUKE: Yeah, it got a little spooky.
LORELAI: But cool.
LUKE: Yeah, they were lucky. I guess if you can find that one person, you know, who's willing to put up with all your crap, and doesn't want to change you or dress you or you know, make you eat French food, then marriage can be all right. But that's only if you find that person.
LORELAI: Yeah, if you find that person.
[They both get up and stand under the chuppah.]
LORELAI: No one has ever made me a chuppah before.
LUKE: Well, you only get married once. Theoretically.
LORELAI: Yeah, you only get married once.
[sh*t from behind of them standing together under the chuppah.]
CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM
[Rory is on her bed reading as Lorelai rushes in.]
LORELAI: Pack!
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Pack.
RORY: What's going on?
LORELAI: We are hitting the road.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Pack everything. Traveling light is for girls.
RORY: What's going on here? Why are we hitting the road?
LORELAI: We haven't taken a road trip in forever and the weather is perfect.
RORY: We can't take a road trip. You're getting married this weekend.
LORELAI: Do you have my blue swimsuit?
RORY: What about Max?
LORELAI: Sunscreen, we need sunscreen.
RORY: Mom, stop.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Are you and Max getting married?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Why?
[Lorelai starts crying]
LORELAI: Because I didn't want to try on my wedding dress every night.
RORY: Where are we going?
LORELAI: We don't have to.
RORY: Hot, cold, rocky, sandy, mountain, valley?
LORELAI: I didn't really have a particular spot.
RORY: Packing for all contingencies. Got it. Light layers.
LORELAI: Yeah, light layers.
RORY: Do you need a book?
LORELAI: Um, that Colette biography.
RORY: I lost your place in it.
LORELAI: That's okay. I have to start over anyway.
RORY: You got it.
LORELAI: And hurry.
RORY: Are we going tonight?
LORELAI: First thing in the morning.
RORY: Seven-ish?
LORELAI: Five-ish.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: It'll be more like six-ish.
RORY: Let's sh**t for five-ish.
LORELAI: You are crazy, and I love it.
CUT TO LORELAI'S JEEP
[Early the next morning, Lorelai and Rory are in Lorelai's jeep driving through Stars Hollow.]
RORY: Wow, totally deserted.
LORELAI: We're the last ones left.
RORY: So are we almost there?
LORELAI: We're almost there and nowhere near it. All that matters is we're going.
RORY: We're practically gone already.
LORELAI: Look out world.
[They stop at the red light and stare at it, waiting for it to change.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x03 - Red Light On The Wedding Night"} | foreverdreaming |
2.04 - The Road Trip to Harvard
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Jamie Babitt
OPEN INSIDE LORELAI'S JEEP
LORELAI: Ah. No music. I can't believe we forgot to bring tunes.
RORY: Do you realize that neither of us has the vaguest idea where we are?
LORELAI: What is a road tip without tunes?
RORY: The sun is directly behind us.
LORELAI: Never been in this car for any extended period of time without playing AC/DC.
RORY: I have no idea which way it's going.
LORELAI: I need my "Highway to Hell."
RORY: It's right out the windshield there.
LORELAI: There's nothing on the radio but Top 40 and Christian Rock. Christian Rock, there's an oxymoron for you. I need my tunes.
RORY: Stop complaining about the tunes!
LORELAI: Stop complaining about our whereabouts.
RORY: Well, my complaint is legitimate, yours is infantile.
LORELAI: Okay, you're right. [turns on radio] Ooh, ooh, yee-haw, yes. Country music, must be my lucky day.
RORY: [turns off radio] We have to figure out where we're going.
LORELAI: No we don't.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: The point of this is to be spontaneous. To drive and land someplace we've never been and never expected to be.
RORY: Sounds risky.
LORELAI: Sounds exciting.
RORY: Serendipity has never been kind to us.
LORELAI: Ah, yes, but I talked to serendipity on the phone last night. She feels bad about how she's treated us in the past. We had a nice chat. It's all gonna be different now.
RORY: What did that sign say? It said "Don't" or "Death" on it.
LORELAI: Relax.
RORY: We're doomed!
LORELAI: Wrong. We're being guided by fate.
RORY: I think we're lost.
LORELAI: We can't be lost. We don't know where we're going.
RORY: You're going to stop before we drive into the Atlantic Ocean.
LORELAI: I'll try.
RORY: At least we'll know where we are.
LORELAI: Unless it's the Pacific. [turns on radio]
RADIO: "Coming up, a three song super set from Hootie and the Blowfish."
LORELAI: Aghhh!
RORY: Whaaaat!
[Opening Credits]
CUT TO FOOD STAND
[Lorelai and Rory are at a roadside food stand.]
LORELAI: You know what, I love road food.
RORY: I love it too.
LORELAI: I mean, what can be better then what they serve at a Haden's Nut House?
RORY: Unless you don't like nuts.
LORELAI: As if those people exist. You know, if I was in a rock band touring and stuff, I'd make the bus driver stop at every Haden's Nut House we pass.
RORY: Wow, your Behind the Music is gonna be really wild.
CUT TO INSIDE JEEP
RORY: Okay, so if we continue on the way we've been going
who are you calling?
LORELAI: [dialing her cell phone] Uh, Sookie.
RORY: Now?
LORELAI: Uh, well, I didn't get a chance to call her before we left so she doesn't know about the
RORY: Oh.
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: You okay?
LORELAI: Oh, I guess. It's just, um
Hi Sookie, it's me.
SOOKIE: [at the Inn] Hi Sweetie, you on your way in?
LORELAI: Um, no, not yet. Actually, I'm um, I'm gonna be out of town for a couple of days.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Yeah, Rory and I decided to h*t the road.
SOOKIE: But how can you be hitting the road? You're supposed to be getting
LORELAI: The engagement is off, Sookie.
SOOKIE: What? What happened?
LORELAI: Well, it's a long story. I don't really wanna go into all the whats and whys and gory details right now, but you should know we all still love Max, and to figure out exactly what happened, you'd have to dig up Freud himself and have him work on me full time.
SOOKIE: Aww, honey, I'm so sorry.
LORELAI: Thanks. So I hope you didn't get too far on that cake.
SOOKIE: [looking at almost-completed 5-tier cake] No, no, no. That's one thing you can be thankful about. You caught me in plenty of time.
LORELAI: Good. I know the kind of work you were gonna put into it, and I just would've k*lled myself if you'd gone to all that craziness for nothing.
SOOKIE: Yeah, well, I've been so busy lately, I actually forgot about it.
LORELAI: Listen, do me a favor. Mention canceling the wedding to Miss Patty, will you? That way, by the time we get back
SOOKIE: The whole town will know within the hour.
LORELAI: Then hopefully they will all have chatted it out of their systems before we get home.
SOOKIE: Consider it done. So where you going?
LORELAI: We have no idea.
SOOKIE: Ah, my favorite kind of trip.
LORELAI: Well, thanks. I'll talk to you soon. Just call the cell if you need anything.
SOOKIE: Okie dokie. Buh bye.
LORELAI: Bye. [hangs up]
SOOKIE: You were a good cake Clyde. I never should've named you.
CUT TO INSIDE JEEP
LORELAI: That had better not be a map.
RORY: I'm sorry, but I'm openly defying your no map policy.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: Mom, it's gonna be dark in a couple of hours and I don't want to sleep in the car.
LORELAI: Ugh, my sense of adventure did not translate to my offspring.
RORY: Now, to the best of my map reading abilities, we're headed towards Portsmouth, New Hampshire.
LORELAI: Portsmouth. Huh.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I actually have a friend in Portsmouth. Donald, uhh, something-or-other Stein.
RORY: A close personal friend, huh?
LORELAI: Donald moved there a couple of years ago and opened a B&B.
RORY: Ughhh.
LORELAI: No, it's actually supposed to be pretty cool.
RORY: A cool B&B?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: That's like saying an understated Nicholas Cage movie.
LORELAI: Listen, I myself am not usually a fan of the B&B, but Donald's place is different.
RORY: Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
LORELAI: I'm serious.
RORY: 'Bella bambina at 2 o'clock.'
LORELAI: Every room is decorated in a different weird style for a different century.
RORY: That is kinda cool.
LORELAI: Okay, let's go.
RORY: Let's call.
LORELAI: Let's go.
RORY: Let's call.
LORELAI: Sense of adventure.
RORY: Let's go.
CUT TO B&B
[Lorelai and Rory walk into the B&B carrying their bags. A woman is sitting behind the front desk.]
LADONN: Hello there.
LORELAI: Hi.
LADONN: Would you like to ring the bell?
LORELAI: What?
LADONN: Would you like to ring the bell, you or your daughter?
LORELAI: I don't understand.
LADONN: I'm not usually sitting here when guests arrive, so people ring the bell and they love to ring the bell, and you didn't get to ring the bell.
LORELAI: Uh. . . [rings bell]
LADONN: Well done.
LORELAI: Uh, do you have a room available?
LADONN: Yes, we most certainly do, you lucky pretty things you.
LORELAI: See they have a room.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: Um, does Donald happen to be here?
LADONN: Oh no no, I bought this place from Donald last year. It's my place now. I'm LaDonn.
LORELAI: Hi. Oh, yes, I noticed it was a little different. Actually, very different.
LADONN: Oh, did you see it before?
LORELAI: Pictures.
LADONN: Well, it was wacky, just like Donald. It was fun, you know, but just a little too woo-woo. It was just too eclectic. I don't care for eclectic. I don't think B&B-ers do either.
LORELAI: No, you wouldn't want anything out of the normal.
LADONN: Okay, room number 3 is all yours. Welcome to the Cheshire Cat.
LORELAI: Nice name. I'm gonna consult with my daughter for just one second. [walks away from the desk] We must leave this place immediately.
RORY: And sleep where?
LORELAI: Uh, a hollow tree, a riverbank, I don't care.
RORY: Mom, I'm tired and I'm starving.
LORELAI: Okay, she's named the place after an Alice in Wonderland character. This is my worst nightmare.
RORY: And dying of exposure in a Jeep is mine.
LORELAI: Okay, okay.
[They walk back to LaDonn at the desk.]
LORELAI: So, just point the way to room three.
LADONN: I'll take you there myself. Let me just grab your bags.
RORY: Oh, we can do that.
LADONN: No no no no no, you are my guests. I won't hear of it. There you go.
LORELAI: Oh.
LADONN: Do you wanna ring the bell? You haven't rung the bell.
RORY: Maybe some other time.
LADONN: Follow me. [walks to staircase] Watch out for Sammy.
LORELAI: Wowsie wowza.
RORY: That's either Sammy or the cat that ate Sammy.
[They walk up the steps past the cat.]
CUT TO INSIDE ROOM 3
[LaDonn walks through the door carrying the bags, followed by Lorelai and Rory.]
LORELAI: Aghhh!
LADONN: What is it, dear?
LORELAI: Uhh, there's just a lot
RORY: A lot of flowers.
LORELAI: Yeah, like a ton of flowers.
RORY: A plethora of flowers.
LORELAI: A load of flowers.
LADONN: Thank you! I get so many compliments on this room.
LORELAI: Yeah, are they moving?
LADONN: It looks like it, doesn't it? There's foil in the paper and it gives it that illusion. Isn't it terrific?
LORELAI: Unbelievable.
LADONN: B&B-ers love a peaceful setting so that they can unwind from their hectic lives. What business are you in, dear?
LORELAI: Oh, me? Uh, publishing.
LADONN: How interesting.
LORELAI: Mm.
LADONN: Now if you need anything, you just ring down or come down 'cause I love company. And, oh, I don't want to forget to give you our activity list. Never a dull moment around here.
LORELAI: Thanks LaDonn.
RORY: Yes, thank you.
[LaDonn leaves]
LORELAI: Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay.'
RORY: Oh, look. This is a book that past guests have written in.
LORELAI: Mmm.
RORY: 'This room made my soul soar.'
LORELAI: Ugh.
RORY: Ech.
LORELAI: All right, enough grossness. Let's go eat.
RORY: Oh food. I'm starving.
CUT TO STAIRCASE
[Lorelai and Rory start to walk down the steps, but stop when they see a bunch of people downstairs.]
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Dentists. Boston dentists. Cocktail hour at the Cheshire Cat.
RORY: So?
LORELAI: So our exit is blocked.
RORY: Let's just rush pass them.
LORELAI: Too risky.
RORY: They're not assassins.
LORELAI: Rory, if they catch us they'll clamp onto us like leeches, and you know what that means.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Chitchat. Stomach-churning, mind-numbing, soul-deadening chitchat.
RORY: Mom, I'm starving. I'm going down there, you can stay here.
LORELAI: You're that hungry, huh?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Hungry enough to answer a hundred probing but only slightly differentiated from each other questions about Chilton, life in a small town, and your hunky hunky boyfriend?
[Rory walks back up the steps. Lorelai follows.]
CUT TO ROOM 3
[Lorelai sits on the bed looking through her purse while Rory is in the bathroom.]
LORELAI: Ohh, ahhh, I struck gold! [pulling something out of her purse]
RORY: What is it?
LORELAI: Certs.
RORY: Let me catch my breath.
LORELAI: I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I bought Certs.
RORY: Which would make those really old.
LORELAI: Fuzzy.
[Lorelai puts it back in her purse. They both sit at the head of the bed. They hear music coming from downstairs.]
RORY: Perfect.
LORELAI: A nice capper to the day.
RORY: In the course of three hours, they've participated in every inane B&B group activity known to man.
LORELAI: Let's just hope they finish with a mass su1c1de.
RORY: We get cranky when we're hungry.
LORELAI: Well, plus we're above everyone else on the planet.
RORY: Clearly.
LORELAI: Hm.
RORY: So what do you want to do?
LORELAI: I don't know. We could go to sleep.
RORY: Mm, it's 8:23.
LORELAI: Good Lord.
RORY: I'm not really sleepy.
LORELAI: Me neither. We could sing.
RORY: Sing?
LORELAI: Yeah, we could sing "Anarchy in the UK" at the top of our lungs.
RORY: Oh, that would be good. Or, uh, we could talk.
LORELAI: Oh, okay.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: What about?
RORY: Oh, I don't know. Umm, Max?
LORELAI: Uhh, no.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Because I don't want to.
RORY: You said we could talk.
LORELAI: Yes, well I thought you meant about makeup or something.
RORY: When have we ever talked about makeup?
LORELAI: Never, that's why I thought now would be a good time.
RORY: I just need to know if
LORELAI: Goodnight Rory.
RORY: But
LORELAI: Goodnight. [turns off light]
RORY: [turns on light] Are you sure that you're not just running scared?
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: Because I think that you really love him but you're just freaked out
LORELAI: Enough! [turns out light]
RORY:
and you don't know what to do! [turns on light] Because you did this before. With Max, in fact.
LORELAI: Rory, I don't want to talk about this. I thought that by saying 'enough' and turning off the light, you would get the message. Apparently not. The skywriter will be here in a minute.
RORY: I'm asking you a question.
LORELAI: I am a grown woman.
RORY: Says the woman with the "Hello, Kitty" waffle iron.
LORELAI: I have earned the right not to be quizzed about my social life by my sixteen-year-old daughter.
RORY: I thought I was your best friend!
LORELAI: When we're at a U2 concert, you are my best friend. But right now you are my sixteen-year-old daughter and I am telling you I do not want to have this conversation.
RORY: Well I do.
LORELAI: Well tough.
RORY: Everything was planned! Everyone was excited, including you, and then all of a sudden, you're out!
LORELAI: Well, I changed my mind.
RORY: This is our life that you just tossed off!
LORELAI: Hey, I didn't just toss off anything!
RORY: We had plans! We made space in the closet!
LORELAI: Oh Rory, just because we moved a couple of boxes is not reason enough for me to get married!
RORY: Max was counting on this! I was counting on this!
LORELAI: Rory, stop it! We are not gonna have this fight in a flowery bedroom with dentists singing "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" in the background. It's too David Lynch!
RORY: I think you love him!
LORELAI: Rory, go to sleep!
RORY: I think you love him, and you got scared and you ran, but you're really going to regret it. And soon!
LORELAI: Rory!
RORY: Fine! [turns out light] Goodnight!
[They both lay in the bed staring at the ceiling.]
LORELAI: I'm sure. I wish I did love him. You have no idea how much.
[Rory gives Lorelai a kiss on the cheek.]
CUT TO ROOM 3
[The next morning, Lorelai sits on a trunk at the edge of the bed as Rory walks out of the bathroom.]
RORY: What's with the face?
LORELAI: Hmm, they're taller.
RORY: Not this again.
LORELAI: There's more of them.
RORY: Mom, the flowers on the wallpaper are not growing or reproducing.
LORELAI: Hm.
RORY: Wait a minute. You weren't writing in this thing, were you?
LORELAI: Maybe some random thoughts.
RORY: [reading guestbook] 'Satanic forces are at work here.' Mom.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: What? What? We cannot write that in here. [changes it] Here. 'Sat and forever am at work here.'
LORELAI: That doesn't make any sense.
RORY: And it doesn't invoke the Dark Prince so I think it's preferable.
LORELAI: Whatever.
RORY: Hey?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Last night?
LORELAI: Oh, we're good.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: You know what isn't good?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I ate the fuzzy Certs.
RORY: Gross!
LORELAI: They tasted like keys.
RORY: Okay, enough. I have got to eat. Do you think the coast is clear downstairs?
LORELAI: Let's check the schedule. Early morning nature walk, 7:30. Regional history talk, 8:15, bluppity blah bah bah bah. We're in luck. Breakfast just ended and the arts and crafts workshop doesn't begin for another thirteen minutes.
RORY: We've got a window!
LORELAI: It must be when they all shower.
RORY: Grab your bag!
LORELAI: Go go go!
CUT TO DOWNSTAIRS
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the steps thinking there's nobody around, but are suddenly stopped by LaDonn and some guests who are standing at a window.]
LADONN: Hello strangers!
RORY: Uh!
LORELAI: Uhh, geez.
LADONN: We've all been so worried about you two.
LORELAI: What are you people doing?
LADONN: We're watching hummingbirds.
WOMAN: They're still out there if you wanna scooch in.
MAN: They're the darndest things. Flap their wings a hundred times a second. It's an engineering marvel.
LORELAI: That was not on the freaking list.
LADONN: We don't put things like this on the freaking list, because the delights of nature aren't on any kind of time schedule.
LORELAI: No, Lordy.
WOMAN: So push in some chairs. We're gonna make some fresh scones.
LADONN: Yeah, they're for tea this afternoon. I just brought out the first test batch. Have a taste.
RORY: A taste would not be bad.
LORELAI: Uh, maybe just a quick taste.
[Lorelai and Rory both sit down and take a scone. The man and woman join them at the table.]
WOMAN: So, LaDonn says you're in publishing.
LORELAI: Huh?
WOMAN: Publishing, you're in publishing?
LORELAI: Oh yes, I am.
MAN: Books, huh? You should find a field with less paperwork.
LORELAI: Good one. [reaches for another scone]
RORY: Mmm! Hey!
LORELAI: You have two, I still have one!
WOMAN: So, uh, publishing?
LORELAI: Mm hmm. Yes, I do publish. Um, it's kind of a dry line of work, not much to talk about.
LADONN: Oh, nonsense. It's fascinating.
WOMAN: So what kind of books do you publish?
LORELAI: Umm, mainly youth-oriented ones.
WOMAN: Children's books?
LORELAI: Sure.
WOMAN: Oh, any that we've heard of?
LORELAI: Probably not.
WOMAN: No, wait, please. Give me some titles. I'll write them down and then when I get home, I'll look them up. Dave, do you have your space pen?
MAN: Do you have to ask?
WOMAN: Oh, he loves his space pen.
MAN: They write under water.
RORY: Cool.
WOMAN: So, what are the titles?
LORELAI: Well, there's um, 'Goodnight, Spoon' and um, 'The Horse that Wanted to Bark'.
WOMAN: Oh, I think I've read that to my grandson. The horse learns to bark, and then he. . . oh, what happens at the end?
LORELAI: He dies.
RORY: But he learned to bark though, so it's actually an upper.
WOMAN: So, where are your offices?
LORELAI: They're in the umm
in the building with the uhh, over on the road
would you guys excuse me for just a second? I have to make a very important call concerning publishing.
LADONN: Oh, well that's just fine. It'll give us a chance to get to know your lovely daughter here.
WOMAN: She's so quiet. But we'll change all that.
RORY: Mom, you promised not to do any business while on vacation.
LORELAI: Honey, publishing waits for no man. Gotta keep the presses pressing. [walks away]
WOMAN: So, tell us about your school.
CUT TO STAIRCASE
[Lorelai sits on the steps next to the cat and talks on her phone.]
LORELAI: Hey Sookie, it's me.
SOOKIE: [sitting at Luke's counter] Hey sweetie, how's the trip going?
LORELAI: It's fine. Where are you?
SOOKIE: Luke's. Got a nice little show going on here.
[Kirk is sitting at a table with a cup of coffee. Luke is giving him his check. Sookie holds up the phone so Lorelai can hear them argue.]
LUKE: You're been sitting there for two hours.
KIRK: I just want a little more coffee.
LUKE: You've had eight refills.
KIRK: You know, in France, when you sit and order, you can have the table as long as you want.
LUKE: I bet you know what I'm gonna say next.
KIRK: That we're not in France?
LUKE: Give or take a profanity.
KIRK: Fine, I'll go. Can I have my check?
LORELAI: So, um, how's the spreading of the news going?
SOOKIE: Well, it worked just like you wanted, with one notable exception.
LORELAI: Ooh, what?
SOOKIE: He's just such a loner lately, the news hasn't gotten to him.
LUKE: Is there anyway to speed this up Kirk?
KIRK: Sorry. I'm trying to figure out the tip and I've always been terrible with math. What's six percent of four forty three?
LORELAI: Could you just tell him now Sook, so I can cross this off my list?
SOOKIE: Well, I
ugh, he's coming over, hang on. Hey Luke?
LUKE: Yeah?
SOOKIE: Have you heard the latest news, kinda sad, Lorelai and Max?
LUKE: What about them?
SOOKIE: The wedding's off.
LUKE: What? What happened?
SOOKIE: You know, I don't really know. It was all kinda sudden. This is actually her now.
LUKE: Oh, well, uh, tell her I'm sorry. That's tough.
SOOKIE: He says he's sorry.
LORELAI: Thanks. Talk to you later. Bye.
SOOKIE: Buh bye. [hangs up]
[Luke walks over to Kirk's table and serves him more coffee.]
KIRK: What's this?
LUKE: Refill number nine
KIRK: I thought you said I had to go.
LUKE: You can hang a bit.
KIRK: Really?
LUKE: Welcome to France. Coffee's on the house too.
KIRK: Thanks. Or should I say gracias.
LUKE: In fact, everyone's coffee's on the house today. I like your hat.
MAN: Oh, thank you.
CUT TO B&B
[Rory is still sitting at the table with LaDonn and the older couple.]
WOMAN: We have a son just a bit older than you.
MAN: He's not good enough for her.
WOMAN: Oh, Dave. He's a freshman at Brown.
MAN: He majors in MTV.
WOMAN: Oh you're horrible!
MAN: Honey, we don't even know if she's on the market.
RORY: Oh, I'm not on the market. I'm definitely off the market.
LADONN: She has a boyfriend.
WOMAN: How cute!
LADONN: Tell us all about him.
[Lorelai returns to the table]
RORY: Mom! I saved you a scone, you love me right?
LORELAI: Uh, sorry everybody. I'm gonna have to drag her away now.
RORY: Aww shucks. It was so nice talking to you. [leaves]
WOMAN: Lovely talking to you dear. Oh, so cute.
CUT TO ANOTHER DOWNSTAIRS ROOM
RORY: I now have abandonment issues.
LORELAI: I had to make a call.
RORY: You left me hanging.
LORELAI: I owe you one.
RORY: Big time.
LORELAI: All right. Well, you're out now, what do you wanna do?
RORY: k*ll you.
LORELAI: And?
RORY: I don't know. What do you wanna do?
LORELAI: Bounce tennis balls off of Sammy?
RORY: Seriously?
LORELAI: I'm not sure. Why don't you pull out the map you're hiding?
RORY: I'm not hiding a map.
[Lorelai stares at her]
RORY: Well, I didn't want to drive around aimlessly again today. [pulls out map]
LORELAI: I got it, I got it. So what's near?
RORY: Um, Concord.
LORELAI: What is that, like look at grapes?
RORY: Manchester.
LORELAI: Uh, been there, done that.
RORY: You've never been there.
LORELAI: Well I feel like I have.
RORY: Salem.
LORELAI: Ooh, witches and stonings! There's something there.
RORY: Boston, Newton, Needham
LORELAI: Oh, go go go go back.
RORY: What? Boston, Newton?
LORELAI: I know where we're going.
RORY: Where are we going?
LORELAI: You will love it.
RORY: [starts folding map] Well, if you tell me where we're going I can chart a course and I can
[Lorelai walks over and crumbles up the map]
RORY: You're folding it wrong!
LORELAI: Is it smaller?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Then it's not wrong. Let's go. I will get you a new one when we get there.
RORY: Where are we going?
CUT TO HARVARD UNIVERSITY
[Lorelai and Rory stand in front of the entrance gate for Harvard.]
RORY: I don't believe it.
LORELAI: Believe it, 'cause there it is.
RORY: Harvard University.
LORELAI: It's really real.
RORY: It looks just like the pictures.
LORELAI: Beautiful.
RORY: What are we doing here?
LORELAI: We are beholding your future.
RORY: It's big.
LORELAI: You have a big future.
RORY: I can't believe it. I'm actually standing outside of Harvard.
LORELAI: Come on.
RORY: Wait. Come on where?
LORELAI: Inside.
RORY: We can't go inside.
LORELAI: Why, is there a force field or something around the place?
RORY: This is Harvard.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: This is Harvard.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: You can't just go inside. You need a guide.
LORELAI: I'll be your guide.
RORY: What do you know about Harvard?
LORELAI: I know this. Look, there's Harvard.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Hey, don't you want to see it? Huh? The place where you'll be living and studying and developing very naïve but pretentious world views that will come crashing down the minute you graduate?
RORY: Yeah, I do.
LORELAI: So? Come on, you know you want to. All the other kids are doing it.
RORY: Harvard.
[They walk through the gate.]
CUT TO HARVARD COURTYARD
[Lorelai and Rory are walking as Lorelai reads through a guidebook.]
LORELAI: Wow! Harvard is over 300 years old.
RORY: Founded in 1636.
LORELAI: That means that almost everyone who ever went to Harvard is d*ad now. Are you sure you still want to go here?
RORY: Yes, I'm sure.
LORELAI: They developed the pacemaker here. Also, discovered how electromagnetism and radioactivity are two manifestations of the same force and postulated existence of a charmed quark. I was wondering who did that.
RORY: The smarties at Harvard.
LORELAI: Holy smokes. They get an average of 18,000 applicants every year and only 2,000 get in. Those are not good odds.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: No no no, you're different. Past graduates. Henry James
isn't that a beer?
RORY: And a novelist. Go on.
LORELAI: John Adams. That's a beer!
RORY: Our second president. He's very in right now.
LORELAI: W.E.B. Du Bois, Yo-Yo Ma. Oh cool! Fred Gwynn.
RORY: Who?
LORELAI: Herman Munster. Now I'm impressed.
RORY: Do you want something?
LORELAI: Yeah, a nice cold Henry James.
RORY: Or some coffee?
LORELAI: Or some coffee.
RORY: I'm ordering coffee at Harvard.
[Rory goes to order from a vendor. Lorelai starts reading a bulletin board.]
LORELAI: Hey, there's people looking for roommates. Tons of them. 'Wanted, girl to share a two bedroom apartment located on trial bridge, quiet street, quiet building, so quiet roomie a must.' Join a convent and cloister yourself you loser.
RORY: [walks back] Mom, it's gonna be two years before I go to Harvard. These people will have roommates or have graduated by them.
LORELAI: Who says these are for you?
RORY: Who are they for?
LORELAI: Me. If you're gonna live in a dorm, I need a room nearby so I can come visit.
RORY: How often are you gonna visit?
LORELAI: I don't know, every other day. Too much? What's too much?
[Rory walks back to the vendor. A male student walks up to the bulletin board.]
STUDENT: Man, there are a lot of postings here.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, there sure are.
STUDENT: You looking for a place to live?
LORELAI: Uhh, maybe.
STUDENT: Well there's a lot of choices. Something for everybody.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. Unless you're one of those existentialists who can't really figure out what they want.
STUDENT: Good point, good point. Hey, I think we have a class together. Contract Law, Professor Chefferson?
LORELAI: Oh yeah, Chef's class.
STUDENT: Right. I've been meaning to say hi to you.
LORELAI: Really?
STUDENT: Yeah.
LORELAI: Oh, hi.
STUDENT: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi.
STUDENT: So do you like the class?
LORELAI: Um, it's not too bad.
STUDENT: He's kinda got a monotone voice. If I don't caf up he puts me right to sleep.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm about to caf up right now just for the hell of it.
STUDENT: Okay. So I'll see you in class. And maybe at that Phi Cap party tonight?
LORELAI: Ginchy!
STUDENT: Cool. Bye.
LORELAI: Bye.
[Student leaves. Rory walks back with coffee.]
LORELAI: I think I'm gonna like college! Ooh, did you hear? I used existentialist in a sentence!
RORY: I heard!
LORELAI: I've always wanted to do that.
RORY: It was very impressive.
LORELAI: Ah!
CUT TO COURTYARD
[Lorelai and Rory walking along. Rory suddenly stops to stare at a building.]
RORY: Oh my.
LORELAI: What's this?
RORY: It's the library.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: The biggest library I've ever seen.
LORELAI: Uh oh. Brace yourself.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: This is just one of the libraries.
RORY: One of the libraries?
LORELAI: This building is one component of a thirteen million volume collection housed in more than ninety different libraries. It's the oldest library in the United States and the largest academic library in the world. Breathe, breathe.
RORY: I'm a failure.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: I am stupid.
LORELAI: Oh stop.
RORY: I am uniformed and ignorant and. . .I can't even think of a second synonym for uninformed. I suck.
LORELAI: Honey.
RORY: Thirteen million volumes? I've read like, what, three hundred books in my entire life and I'm already sixteen? Do you know how long it would take me to read thirteen million books?
LORELAI: But honey, you don't have to read every one of them. "Tuesday's with Morrie?" Skip that. "Who Moved My Cheese?" Just stuff you already know.
RORY: Okay, but every kid coming to Harvard is inevitably reading books, and different books, and I want to be able to converse intelligently with each of them and I can't do that unless I read books, at least a few from every genre and sub-genre.
LORELAI: Okay, come on. I'm getting you out of here.
RORY: I sleep too much.
LORELAI: No you don't.
RORY: I've been frittering away my whole life.
LORELAI: You don't fritter.
RORY: Did I mention I suck?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: Well I do.
LORELAI: No.
CUT TO RESIDENCE HALL
[Lorelai and Rory are walking past a dormitory.]
LORELAI: This is a dorm? Not bad, huh?
RORY: Pretty, actually.
LORELAI: Come on, let's see what it looks like on the inside.
RORY: It says "Residents Only" in plain English.
CUT TO INSIDE DORM
RORY: We're gonna get in trouble.
LORELAI: You're such a worrywart. Ooh, get in character.
RORY: What?
[Two female students are walking down the hall.]
LORELAI: Hey there!
GIRL 1: Hi.
LORELAI: I'm Angie, this is Trish.
GIRL 2: Hi.
LORELAI: How's it going?
GIRL 1: Not bad.
LORELAI: Oh, cool. We're just kinda hanging out between classes. We got Chef next. So, we'll probably see you at the Phi Alpha Beta thing tomorrow, right?
GIRL 1: Maybe.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, we're not sure either. They can be so totally lame. Gag me.
GIRL 1: Yeah. See ya. [Students leave]
RORY: You do realize that all of your college kid jargon comes from 'Happy Days' and the 'Valley Girls' song?
[They stop in front of a room with the door open.]
LORELAI: Unh! Lookie lookie here.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Ooh, I wanna see a room. Hello!
RORY: They have pictures of their rooms on their website.
LORELAI: So I prefer reality, thank you. Hello! Coast is clear. [walks into the room]
RORY: The coast is not clear.
LORELAI: Susie!
RORY: We're now officially breaking and entering.
LORELAI: Susie!
RORY: Why are you saying that?
LORELAI: 'Cause it's our cover in case we get caught. Plus there's a thirty percent chance that the girl living in this room is named Susie. Wow, tiny.
RORY: It is tiny.
LORELAI: Your Oxford English Dictionary's gonna need a room of it's own.
RORY: It'll fit somewhere.
LORELAI: One window, brick wall. You're gonna need a better view.
RORY: Well, this isn't my room to begin with.
LORELAI: At least there's two beds. Somewhere for me to sleep.
RORY: That would be my roommate's bed.
LORELAI: Oh, you don't want a roommate.
RORY: I don't think I have a choice.
LORELAI: They just force someone on you?
RORY: It's all part of the socializing experience.
LORELAI: What if it's a lemon?
RORY: Then I'm stuck with a lemon.
LORELAI: Hari Krishna banging a tambourine all night?
RORY: Then I have to get earplugs.
LORELAI: Serial m*rder?
RORY: Then I sleep with a gat strapped to my ankle.
LORELAI: Someone who likes Linkin Park?
RORY: Then I have to drop out.
LORELAI: Mm hmm. Ah, look! I had these same pants back in high school.
RORY: Can we just go now please?
LORELAI: I'm in again.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Okay. Just come over here and let me take a picture with you sitting at the desk.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Yeah, really get into it. Pretend like you're studying.
RORY: Uhh, okay.
LORELAI: What
is that
you're writing in the air?
RORY: Can we just take the picture?
LORELAI: Okay, okay.
[They exit room as a girl is starting to enter.]
LORELAI: Oh, hey Susie.
[They hurry out down the hallway]
CUT TO INSIDE BUIDLING
[Lorelai and Rory are walking down a hallway of one of the academic buildings.]
RORY: God, these classrooms are huge.
LORELAI: Better to fit those big Harvard brains.
[They stand in the doorway of one of the lecture halls and listen.]
PROFESSOR: . . . had given birth. Reckon on everything, expect everything. What sort of thought is this?
STUDENT: Depressing?
PROFESSOR: On the surface, maybe. But go underneath. What is he postulating beyond fatalism?
LORELAI: Are we allowed to be hearing this?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: They wouldn't charge you a hundred bucks or something just for listening to part of a class?
RORY: I don't think Harvard would nickel and dime people like that.
LORELAI: Hey, I'm gonna find a ladies room. You know, sneak a smoke, see if anybody slipped an aspirin in my coke.
RORY: Okay, Rizzo. I'd like to listen a little bit more.
LORELAI: I'll be back.
RORY: I'll be here.
PROFESSOR: The stoics believe the greatest happiness resulted from leading a virtuous life
[Rory drops her coffee cup, everyone turns around to see what the noise was.]
PROFESSOR: In or out?
RORY: Excuse me?
PROFESSOR: If you're going to take the class, you have to take a seat.
RORY: Oh, uhh, okay. Sorry. [sits down]
PROFESSOR: Okay, where were we?
CUT TO HALLWAY
[Lorelai walks out of the ladies room. She stops to stare at the wall of class valedictorians. A few seconds later, she hears Rory's voice from inside the classroom.]
RORY: That's an interesting point, Professor, but I'm not sure I agree with it.
CUT TO CLASSROOM
RORY: That's because stoicism was not about giving up things, of money and luxuries and stuff.
PROFESSOR: That's right. By the time he was in his early forties, Seneca had earned enough money to acquire villas, farms, he ate well, he loved expensive furniture, but he didn't consider that a non-philosophical way to live.
[Lorelai watches from the doorway.]
RORY: It's all kind of relative though.
STUDENT: Oh, here we go.
RORY: What?
STUDENT: We can't get through a class without debating relativism.
RORY: I just meant that luxury to some is not necessarily luxury to others.
PROFESSOR: A better subject for another time.
RORY: Oh sorry.
PROFESSOR: No, no, your point is well taken, but it's different than the matter at hand. What we're talking about is Seneca's choosing the better more comfortable of two options while remaining a stoic.
RORY: [to student] Thanks. This was fun. [walks out]
CUT TO HALLWAY
[Lorelai and Rory walk out of the classroom.]
RORY: Did you see me?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: I was in college.
LORELAI: It was amazing!
RORY: Did I look like I belonged?
LORELAI: Completely. You're a natural
RORY: I can't even believe how it happened. I just sort of got swept up and then the teacher asked a question, and before I knew it
LORELAI: You were bl*wing them away.
RORY: Well, I don't know if I was bl*wing them away but suddenly I was talking and I couldn't stop.
LORELAI: I know that feeling.
RORY: College is gonna be amazing. I can't wait. I love college. I love Harvard. I love fatalism.
CUT TO B&B
[LaDonn carries their bags down the stairs while Lorelai and Rory follow.]
LORELAI: Oh, please LaDonn, we can carry the bags.
LADONN: Nonsense.
RORY: But they're so heavy.
LADONN: I'll just get them down the stairs for you. Whew. Let me catch my breath here.
LORELAI: Oh, wow! Sammy's AWOL, huh?
LADONN: Hmm?
LORELAI: Oh, Sammy. It's like the first time that she hasn't been there on the stairs.
LADONN: What, my Sammy?
LORELAI: Yes.
LADONN: Oh, she's rarely ever on the stairs.
LORELAI: Oh no, she's always right there.
LADONN: On the stairs?
LORELAI: Yes.
LADONN: No, she has her favorite places, but not on the stairs.
LORELAI: There has not been one moment over our entire stay when she has not been right there.
LADONN: On the stairs?
LORELAI: Yes.
LADONN: Oh, she's hardly ever on the stairs.
RORY: Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown.
[They walk to the front desk.]
LADONN: Everything's on your card. I hope you enjoyed your stay. Did you enjoy your stay?
RORY: Very much.
LADONN: Aw, very much?
LORELAI: I sat and forever am at work here.
LADONN: What?
RORY: It was great.
LADONN: Well, there you go. Drive safely, and tell all your friends about the Cheshire Cat.
LORELAI: Oh, you bet we will.
LADONN: As soon as you leave, I'm gonna do my favorite part of the job.
LORELAI: Oh, what's that?
LADONN: I'm gonna read what you wrote in our guestbook.
LORELAI: Give us a five minute headstart?
LADONN: Beg pardon?
RORY: Thank you.
[They pick up their bags and walk out the front door.]
CUT TO INSIDE JEEP
[Back in Stars Hollow, Lorelai and Rory are driving to their house.]
RORY: You know what I love most about Harvard?
LORELAI: No, what?
RORY: They don't sell giant foam fingers.
LORELAI: No, they've got class out the wazoo. Home.
RORY: Feel like we've been gone a long time.
LORELAI: You know what's weird? Every time I leave town, even for just a little while, I always expect everything to look different.
RORY: And it never does.
LORELAI: It never does.
[They drive by townies offering sympathetic looks, including Miss Patty dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief, and Kirk with his arms wide open.]
KIRK: Need a hug?
LORELAI: Patty's good.
[They pull in their driveway.]
LORELAI: So, what about dinner?
RORY: It should probably be something healthy since we've been eating junk the whole trip.
LORELAI: We had lettuce on our burgers last night.
RORY: You picked it off.
LORELAI: But it left its essence.
RORY: There was lettuce essence on our burgers?
LORELAI: Definitely.
RORY: And that satisfied our vegetable requirement?
LORELAI: For the week.
RORY: We can't argue with cold hard facts.
[Lorelai notices the chuppah in the front yard and stares at it.]
RORY: What? Oh, I forgot about that.
LORELAI: Me too. Well, everything's the same.
[Lorelai walks over to the chuppah and starts to cry as she stares at it.]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai is showing slides of the road trip as Emily and Rory sit on the couch.]
LORELAI: This is Sever Hall, one of the oldest buildings in Harvard.
EMILY: Focus the picture Lorelai.
LORELAI: It is focused.
RORY: That's how it came out.
EMILY: It's hurting my eyes.
LORELAI: Come on Mom, they're supposed to be a little arty.
RORY: Plus she doesn't know how to use her camera.
LORELAI: I've only had it six years.
EMILY: It's like I have glaucoma. What's that?
LORELAI: That is a Harvard squirrel.
EMILY: Good grief.
RORY: Sitting on a Harvard rock.
LORELAI: Doesn't he look smart?
EMILY: He looks dirty. Next.
LORELAI: That's Rory's dorm, and part of my finger.
RORY: It's not my dorm yet. We just saw a dorm and figured it might be mine.
EMILY: Why in the world do you insist on taking slides?
LORELAI: I like slides.
EMILY: But prints are so much easier, and faster to get through.
LORELAI: That's what I hate about prints. You give people this big pile of pictures that you're so proud of and they end up just flipping through them super fast without really seeing them or giving you a chance to narrate them like you can with slides.
RORY: I stopped her from adding music.
EMILY: I'm eternally grateful.
LORELAI: I like the bigness of slides too. Makes you feel like you're really there.
EMILY: Yes, this one makes me feel just like I'm in your finger.
LORELAI: Oh. You're just jealous that we didn't invite you to come along.
RORY: Next time.
EMILY: Next time you go to Harvard, you're going to do it properly, with a scheduled visit and a guide.
RORY: I told her about the guide.
EMILY: And why would you go out of town now so soon before your wedding? Didn't your fiancé mind?
LORELAI: Oh, well
EMILY: I mean, you act as if this coming weekend is just going to be business as usual and not the most important day of your life.
RORY: Mom.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Well, it's about this weekend Mom.
EMILY: Yes?
LORELAI: I should've told you before.
EMILY: Oh my God, you didn't!
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: You did!
LORELAI: I did what?
EMILY: You eloped!
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: I knew it! I knew you'd do anything to keep me out of this wedding.
LORELAI: Mom, that's not
EMILY: Well that is just cruel, Lorelai. A mother waits and plans for this day, even your mother.
LORELAI: Yes, but
EMILY: I bought a new dress, I got my hair done.
LORELAI: It looks nice.
EMILY: And tonight you just waltz in here, t*rture me for hours with these ridiculous slides, only to let me know at the last possible minute
LORELAI: Mom, Max and I are not together anymore. The wedding is off.
EMILY: The wedding's off?
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY: Are you sure?
LORELAI: Yes, I'm sure.
EMILY: Oh.
LORELAI: Mom?
EMILY: Who called it off?
LORELAI: I did. You're thinking you're not surprised.
EMILY: No I wasn't.
LORELAI: You're thinking, 'Yes, I won that five bucks from Dad.'
EMILY: Who would like dessert?
LORELAI: What Mom? What are you thinking? Just tell me.
EMILY: I was thinking I guess I have to return your gift.
LORELAI: My gift?
EMILY: That's right.
LORELAI: You'll have to return my gift. That's
that's what you were thinking?
EMILY: That's right.
LORELAI: That's it?
EMILY: That's it.
LORELAI: Oh. So you got me a gift already?
EMILY: You were getting married. Gifts are expected. It's the proper thing to do. So how's ice cream sound?
RORY: Ice cream sounds great.
LORELAI: So what'd you get me Mom?
[Emily walks out of the room. Lorelai follows her.]
EMILY: I'm not gonna tell you that.
LORELAI: Why not? It's for me.
EMILY: But you're not getting it now.
LORELAI: Iced tea spoons, right?
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Because nobody really needs iced tea spoons ever. I mean, you probably would use 'em if you remembered to use 'em but nobody remembers to use 'em because they're always in a different drawer than the everyday silverware. Out of sight, out of mind. So people just grab a regular old everyday spoon to stir with, and you know what, they work fine.
EMILY: It wasn't iced tea spoons.
LORELAI: Oh, uhhh
oh, oh! Corn on the cob holder thingies! Sterling silver corn on the cob holder thingies?
EMILY: Nope.
LORELAI: Hah!
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: The tiny forks.
EMILY: What tiny forks?
LORELAI: The tiny forks with the tiny prongs and the tiny handles that I can only assume are used to eat the tiny food.
EMILY: They're for lobster tails.
LORELAI: So you did get the tiny forks!
EMILY: You know what, I'm not returning the gift. I'm going to put it away in a closet and you won't know what it is until you do get married someday.
LORELAI: Tell me now!
EMILY: Sorry.
LORELAI: Come on! Mom, I may never get married. I may be a free spirit my whole life or fall in love with a separated catholic guy like Katherine Hepburn did and then, and then not get to go to his funeral when he dies.
EMILY: Well then you'll never get to know what I got you, will you?
LORELAI: I've gotta know!
EMILY: No.
LORELAI: This is t*rture!
EMILY: Tough.
LORELAI: Okay, fine, forget it. I'm going to the bathroom.
EMILY: I'm going to the kitchen.
LORELAI: Hm.
EMILY: Hm.
[They both walk away. Cut to Rory, still sitting on the couch, listening to them.]
LORELAI: HAH!
EMILY: Oh God, you scared me!
LORELAI: Come on, tell me!
EMILY: Lorelai, get away.
LORELAI: Tell me now.
EMILY: I'm serious, get away from me.
LORELAI: Please tell me.
EMILY: This is not funny.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Later that night, Lorelai and Rory get out of their Jeep across the street from Luke's.]
LORELAI: Hey, am I too far from the curb?
RORY: Oh, you're within five feet.
LORELAI: Close enough for jazz.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Huh?
RORY: Pick it up?
LORELAI: You got it.
LANE: Rory! [runs towards her]
RORY: Oh my God, Lane! [runs towards her]
LANE: I'm back!
RORY: I see!
LANE: Oh, did you ever think this day would come?
RORY: I had hopes, dreams.
LANE: I escaped from Korea, I'm home. Hi Lorelai.
LORELAI: Welcome home, sweetie.
LANE: It's so amazing to be back. When I got off the plane, I kissed the tarmac.
LORELAI: Just like the Pope.
LANE: It was hot and I b*rned my lips.
RORY: Maybe that's why the Pope always looks so grumpy.
LANE: I'm back!
RORY: I know!
LANE: Did you get my letters?
RORY: Yeah, the first one was a little intense.
LANE: Which one was that?
RORY: The one that said Korea equals death with a bunch of exclamation points and your very sad face cut up plastered all over it.
LANE: Okay, so that was a tad dramatic.
RORY: Was it awful?
LANE: You know what, it wasn't.
LORELAI: Really?
LANE: Some of it was great.
RORY: No way.
LANE: Yeah, some of the food's not so bad, and then my cousins were actually pretty interesting, and the best part, Korea is bootleg heaven. I totally scored in Seoul. Elvis Costello at the Marquee in 1978. A barely coherent Nico doing Dora songs in 1974, and even more barely coherent, Iggy Pop doing David Bowie songs naked in 1981.
RORY: How did you get them past customs?
LANE: Well, I strapped them to my body like in Midnight Express.
RORY: Cool.
LORELAI: I'll be in Luke's. [walks towards Luke's Diner]
RORY: Okay. So it was just an open-ended plane ticket?
LANE: Just to save money. I guess I kind of overreacted.
RORY: Kind of? You did everything but tie a string with you at one end and the Statue of Liberty at the other.
CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks through the door.]
LUKE: Hey!
LORELAI: Lewis and Clark have returned.
LUKE: Oh yeah, which one are you?
LORELAI: I don't know. Which one had to paddle the canoe?
LUKE: Coffee?
LORELAI: You have to ask?
LUKE: So, uh, sorry about what happened
you know, the wedding thing
LORELAI: It's okay. I'm fine. I want everyone to know that.
LUKE: Uh, I've been feeling like a jerk.
LORELAI: Why?
LUKE: Well, the way I had to come down on Max. I don't know, I was being a
I don't know, what's that word you use, pickleschnitz?
LORELAI: Schnickelfritz?
LUKE: Yeah, that's it.
LORELAI: Luke, it's okay, you already apologized for all that.
LUKE: Well, I've been feeling kind of guilty.
LORELAI: Don't. You are great, Luke. Just making me that chuppah alone
LUKE: Oh, the chuppah! I left that stupid chuppah on your lawn!
LORELAI: Hey, it's okay.
LUKE: What an idiot!
LORELAI: Really, it's okay.
LUKE: Just this enormous reminder, just sitting on your lawn, mocking you.
LORELAI: I didn't even see it mock, I promise.
LUKE: I'll take it down in the morning. No, I'll take it down now. Hey, we're closing early. Chew it or lose it!
LORELAI: Hey, Luke, it's okay, really. I, uh, I think I'm gonna keep it.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Yeah. It's beautiful, and you made it for me, and it doesn't have to be a wedding chuppah. It can just be a beautiful archway in our yard. I'll grow stuff on it.
LUKE: Well, okay. Um, I'll help you move it around the yard, wherever you want it to be.
LORELAI: Well, that'd be good.
LUKE: So where'd you guys go?
LORELAI: Well, we drove around a little, we h*t a B&B, and we took a tour of Harvard.
LUKE: Harvard. . . interesting.
LORELAI: It was amazing. Seeing Rory there, in a dorm room, in a classroom. She fit.
LUKE: Yeah, I can see her fitting there.
LORELAI: She was right at home.
LUKE: So, how you taking that?
LORELAI: Taking what?
LUKE: Seeing her fit?
LORELAI: I loved it
and I hated it.
LUKE: That seems about right.
LORELAI: Man, these past few days. . .just so many thoughts about my life then, my life now, what I missed. Thoughts about what I'll never have, and what I want to have.
LUKE: Yeah, that's a lot of thoughts.
LORELAI: You're not kidding. So can I ask you a question?
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Have you ever set up a line of credit at a bank?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: But you don't pay for everything with cash on hand, do you?
LUKE: What's all this about?
LORELAI: I think it's time to make a move.
LUKE: Meaning?
LORELAI: I'm diving in. Sookie and I are finally gonna open that inn.
LUKE: Yeah, I know.
LORELAI: No, I mean now. We've been talking about it and dreaming about it and it's time to finally get going on it.
LUKE: Well, if the time is right.
LORELAI: It is. Think I can hack being a business owner?
LUKE: I think you can hack anything.
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: Yeah. I mean, you know all the creative stuff to the job, and you can manage and uh, I've seen you try to add numbers, so I'd get an accountant first thing.
LORELAI: Okay, yes.
LUKE: So how far along are you?
LORELAI: This far.
LUKE: Well, listen, um, you know, I'm no financial genius, but you know, we can sit down sometime, and you can pick my brain on the few things I do know about.
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: Sure, I've been around some.
LORELAI: Can I ask you stupid questions?
LUKE: There's no such thing.
LORELAI: How does ink come out of pens?
LUKE: All right, there is such a thing. But, um, you're going to avoid that when we sit down, right?
LORELAI: Right. Thank you.
LUKE: Yeah. And let me know when you need help with the thing that's not a chuppah anymore.
LORELAI: I will. [leaves]
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory and Lane are still outside talking]
LANE: So fill me in. What have you been up to? I've gotta know everything.
RORY: I've been to Harvard.
LANE: No way. Oh my God! How? When?
[Lorelai walks over]
RORY: Well, we just got back. Mom, is it okay if I go to Lane's for a bit?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. I'll meet you back at the house.
RORY: Okay.
[Lorelai watches as they walk away.]
LANE: Harvard, that is so cool! I mean, what did you see?
RORY: Oh, Harvard Yard, classrooms, where I might live next year.
LANE: How was it?
RORY: It needs a spruce.
[Lorelai takes out her cell phone and dials, then walks towards the Jeep.]
LORELAI: Sookie, hey it's me, we're back. Good, it was good, but first things first. I wanna start moving on the inn thing. . .I mean, take serious steps. We're ready, don't you think? We're ready. . . Oh good! Well, meet me early at work tomorrow. Yeah. . . .I know, I'm excited too. [drives away]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x04 - The Road Trip To Harvard"} | foreverdreaming |
2.05 - Nick & Nora, Sid & Nancy
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Michael Katleman
OPEN AT LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table. Lorelai's eating breakfast while Rory watches her.]
RORY: How are the eggs?
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: I'm glad.
LORELAI: They're still good.
RORY: I'm still glad.
LORELAI: Look freak, we will not be late.
RORY: It's the first day of school. I wanna get there early.
LORELAI: We will be there early, I promise.
RORY: I have different classes this year, my routes aren't the same. I haven't found the quickest path around. And my locker, they moved it, so I don't even know if it'll work properly and then I'll have to get a new one and God knows how long that'll take or where it'll be and that could send the whole day into chaos. I'm just excited.
[Lane walks into the diner]
LANE: Oh, thank God, you haven't left yet.
RORY: Nope, what's up?
LANE: Well, I found the greatest record store in the world. It's ten minutes from your school and I'm wondering how much you love me.
RORY: Address.
LANE: Record Breaker Incorporated, 2453 Berlin Turnpike.
RORY: Got it. Place your order now.
LANE: Okay, Charles Mingus, "The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady."
LORELAI: Mm.
RORY: Right.
LANE: The Sonics, Here are the Sonics.
RORY: Burn me a copy. Next.
LANE: MC5, Kick Out the Jams. Fairport Convention, Leige and Lief. BeeGees, Odessa.
RORY: BeeGees, really?
LANE: Well, Mojo says.
RORY: So it must be true.
LANE: Okay, that's it. Now if I could just find a copy of Whistler, Chaucer, Detroit and Greenhill, I will finally be done with the sixties.
RORY: I can get there today, tomorrow at the latest.
LANE: I love it when you go back to school.
RORY: Me too. Hey!
LORELAI: I am getting donuts for later. As soon as I do, I will take you to school and the nice men in the white coats will pick you up.
[Lorelai walks up to the counter. Taylor is standing there with a group of Boy Scouts.]
TAYLOR: Everybody, listen up. Decide what you want, place your order, and then proceed to the end of the line.
BOY 1: I want a burger.
BOY 2: I want grilled cheese.
BOY 3: Me too.
BOY 2: And I want fries, and make them really really cripsy.
BOY 1: I want mine crispy too.
BOY 2: You didn't order fries.
BOY 1: So?
LUKE: So you can't order crispy fries without first ordering fries.
BOY 1: Why not?
LUKE: Because you can't make something crispy that doesn't exist.
BOY 1: Why not?
LUKE: Get him away from me Taylor.
TAYLOR: Have some respect. These boys have just completed the first leg of their outdoor survival training.
LUKE: Meaning you had them sit under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours.
TAYLOR: You're a very jaded man Luke. What happened to you as a child?
LUKE: Some creepy guy in shorts and knee socks tried to sit me under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours. Put that down!
BOY 4: Why?
LUKE: Because otherwise you're going under it.
BOY 4: I won't fit.
LUKE: Oh yes you will.
LORELAI: Hey, donuts please.
BOY 1: We were here first!
LORELAI: On the planet?
BOY 1: Huh?
LORELAI: You lose. Chocolate, cinnamon and sprinkles.
[phone rings; Lorelai and the kids moan as Luke goes to answer it.]
LUKE: All of you pipe down.
LORELAI: Grups, huh?
LUKE: [on phone] Yeah, I'm working. What do you think I'm doing? Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh man, what did you do? Excuse me, are you serious? Just like that, huh?
[Lorelai goes behind the counter and gets her own donuts]
BOY 2: Hey Mr. Doose. She's not supposed to do that.
TAYLOR: That's right. She's breaking the rules, and people who break the rules end up very lonely with no friends because they have become society's outcasts.
LORELAI: Planning on burning a little Huck Finn after lunch, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Excuse me?
LUKE: [on phone] This is unbelievable! You won't ever change, will you? . . . Okay, fine. Do what you want, make the arrangements. Now I'm working, we'll finish this later. [hangs up]
LORELAI: Is everything okay?
LUKE: Do you have a sister?
LORELAI: Um, no.
BOY 1: I do.
LUKE: You have my sympathies.
BOY 1: Thanks. I appreciate that.
[opening credits]
CUT TO FRONT OF LUKE'S DINER
[Luke walks towards the diner carrying several shopping bags. He drops a bag on the sidewalk. Lorelai is walking by and stops to help.]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hello.
LORELAI: What are you doing?
LUKE: Ah, just redecorating the sidewalk.
LORELAI: Oh, it looks nice.
LUKE: Yeah yeah yeah, you don't think too much blue?
LORELAI: No, just enough.
LUKE: Yeah, well, thanks for the input. You can go now.
LORELAI: Need some help?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: Need some help?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: Need some help?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: So do you need some help?
[Luke sighs.]
CUT TO OUTSIDE LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke and Lorelai walk down the hallway to Luke's apartment. Luke is carrying the shopping bags, Lorelai is carrying a box of cereal. Luke unlocks the door.]
LORELAI: Frosted Flakes? Since when do you buy Frosted Flakes? [Luke drops some bags, food spills all over.] Okay, now what is going on?
LUKE: Nothing.
LORELAI: Nothing? You just all of sudden woke up this morning and decided you were gonna buy every food item in the world that you don't actually eat?
LUKE: It's not for me.
LORELAI: Well who's it for?
LUKE: Someone who's not me.
LORELAI: Like who?
[cut to inside apartment]
LUKE: Like my nephew.
LORELAI: Oh, your nephew's coming to visit.
LUKE: No, he's coming to stay.
LORELAI: You're sister's moving here?
[they start picking up the spilled food in the hallway and bringing it inside]
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: Well, I'm sorry, I don't get it.
LUKE: There's nothing to get. It's just Liz. She's too busy, she can't handle him, she's sending him here.
LORELAI: Where's his dad?
LUKE: Oh well, the great prize that my sister picked up at a Der Wienerschnitzel left her about two years ago, whereabouts unknown.
LORELAI: Aww, geez.
LUKE: Yup.
LORELAI: So she's just sending him here, just like that?
LUKE: Oh no, I'm sure she put at least five or six minutes of thought into it.
LORELAI: But why?
LUKE: Well, 'cause apparently he's been getting into some trouble and Liz is afraid he's heading for something bad, and rather than handle it herself, she's just giving up. She's sending him here so I can straighten him out.
LORELAI: You?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: You can straighten him out?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: You, Luke Danes, the great communicator, you're going to straighten the kid out?
LUKE: All he needs is a change of pace, a new crowd, and to get away from the nutjob that, unfortunately, is my sister.
LORELAI: Well, how long is he staying?
LUKE: I don't know. Indefinitely.
LORELAI: And how old is he?
LUKE: Seventeen.
LORELAI: Oh, wow. That is very generous of you.
LUKE: Well, it's family, what else can you do?
LORELAI: Right. So what kind of trouble has he gotten into?
LUKE: Ah, just kid stuff, you know, staying out late, getting rowdy. I don't know exactly.
LORELAI: Well, you might want to find out. Ask a couple of subtle questions, you know, has he seen The Shawshank Redemption, did the setting seem homey to him? Stuff like that.
LUKE: Look, his problem is obvious, it's his mother. You never could count on Liz for anything. Our mom died when we were kids, right? It was just my dad, me and Liz. And my dad worked all the time and I worked in the store with my dad, and Liz was off doing God knows what.
LORELAI: Well, I bet losing her mom so early was kind of hard on her.
LUKE: It was hard on all of us, but we did our part. And then the minute she graduates high school, she is outta here. Didn't matter that my dad was sick, didn't matter that the store was failing, she just took off. Married the hot dog king, had a kid, he left, now here we are. [Luke starts pumping up an air mattress]
LORELAI: Yeah, wow, that's
I'm sorry, what are you doing?
LUKE: I'm bl*wing this up.
LORELAI: What is it?
LUKE: It's a bed.
LORELAI: A bed?
LUKE: For Jess.
LORELAI: Jess?
LUKE: Jess, my nephew.
LORELAI: Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft, which is fine if you're gonna build a moat around the diner but
LUKE: It's fine.
LORELAI: Luke, the kid needs a bed. If you want to get him something inflatable, make it a blonde.
LUKE: I'm getting him a bed, this is just temporary.
LORELAI: Hey, how does Jess feel about this?
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: You haven't talked to him about it?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Don't you think you should?
LUKE: Why? He doesn't have a choice. His mom's a flake, he's coming here, end of story.
LORELAI: Are you sure you're ready for this?
LUKE: Of course I'm sure.
LORELAI: I mean, taking on a full time kid, that's a lot of work.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: And a seventeen-year-old that's been getting into trouble and now is being shipped off without his consent, that could be even harder.
LUKE: Look, all he needs is to be around someone who's not a selfish basketcase, who will give him a little space, who will treat him like a man.
LORELAI: Maybe you should think about this.
LUKE: There's nothing to think about. He's family. You take care of family, period.
LORELAI: Yes, I respect that, but what if he turns out to be Fredo?
LUKE: Are you seriously telling me not to do this?
LORELAI: No, I'm not telling you not to do this.
LUKE: Then what are you saying?
LORELAI: I'm just saying that if you need any help, I'm here.
LUKE: Thank you.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
LUKE: Look, I got a lot of things to do before he gets here so
LORELAI: Okay, I'm leaving. Oh, you do have an extra set of sheets, right?
LUKE: Yes, I do.
LORELAI: Sorry, just checking. Bye. [leaves]
LUKE: [grabs keys] Sheets, sheets.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory is walking down the hallway towards a classroom. Paris, Madeline and Louise are walking towards the same room from the other direction. They stop in front of the doorway and look at each other before going inside.]
RORY: Okay, round two.
CUT TO INSIDE CLASSROOM
[Rory walks over to Paris.]
RORY: Five seconds?
PARIS: Four.
RORY: Fine.
PARIS: Now it's three.
RORY: Paris, it does not have to be like this.
PARIS: No?
RORY: You and I are going to have to spend a lot of time in class together on The Franklin.
PARIS: I know.
RORY: We're gonna have to sit in the same classroom, share the same oxygen, occasionally make eye contact.
PARIS: I can avoid that.
RORY: Look, I'm not saying that we should be friends. I don't want to be friends. I'm just saying that maybe we should look at this like life.
PARIS: Life?
RORY: Yes, in life there will be people that you don't like, but that you have to coexist with.
PARIS: I am well aware of that.
RORY: So I'm just suggesting that we coexist.
PARIS: You're just scared that I'm gonna make your life on The Franklin a living hell. Especially since I'm the editor and you're
oh, what's the word
not.
RORY: If you want to spend the precious energy that you'd normally spend on the paper obsessing on ways to make me miserable, then that's your choice. I'm just suggesting an alternate plan. The paper could be really great this year.
PARIS: I know.
RORY: So, can't we just agree on that and make all the rest of it go away?
[Louise and Madeline walk over]
LOUISE: Everything okay?
RORY: Yeah, Riff, everything's fine.
PARIS: We were just talking.
MADELINE: Talking? You two?
PARIS: About The Franklin.
MADELINE: Oh. Nope, still seems weird.
PARIS: Hey, look, we're all on the paper together. There's gonna be a lot of long afternoons and weekends.
LOUISE: Weekends?
PARIS: We need to coexist, right?
RORY: Right.
LOUISE: I'm sorry. Back up to the weekends.
PARIS: So that's what we'll do. Now the first meeting of The Franklin is today.
RORY: Yes it is.
PARIS: Four o'clock.
RORY: Sounds good.
LOUISE: Weekends were never mentioned. I need my weekends. All of this gets done on weekends.
CUT TO BUSSTOP
[Luke is waiting on the bench. The bus pulls up and Jess steps off.]
LUKE: Jess.
JESS: Luke.
LUKE: Okay, so uh
[Luke walks towards the diner, Jess follows]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke and Jess walk through the door.]
LUKE: Well, this is my diner.
JESS: Huh.
LUKE: Belonged to your Grandpa.
JESS: Huh.
LUKE: Yup.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke and Jess walk through the door.]
LUKE: Well, here we are. It's pretty simple. You know, this is the room. That's my bed, that's your, uh, bed for now, but the sheets are new. There's the bathroom, there's the closet, there's the dresser, the phone, and over there is the kitchen. I've got Frosted Flakes.
JESS: Wow, that's grrrrreat.
LUKE: So, is that all your stuff?
JESS: Yup.
LUKE: Not much there.
JESS: Well, Lizzie's sending the rest later.
LUKE: So, you need some help?
JESS: Nope.
LUKE: Okay, uh, I have to get back to the diner. I'm gonna close up at ten tonight, so I thought
JESS: See you at ten.
LUKE: But wait, you need keys.
JESS: No I don't. [leaves]
LUKE: I so don't wanna know why.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Jess walks out of the diner, looks around the town, and walks down the street.]
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory sits down on a bench to read before the newspaper meeting starts. She hears voices from inside the room and goes inside. Several students and a teacher are sitting at a table.]
PARIS: Pick a side people. Oh, Rory.
RORY: Hey.
TEACHER: Nice of you to join us, Miss Gilmore.
RORY: I thought we were starting at four.
TEACHER: No, we start at 3:15 sharp.
PARIS: Look, we're wasting time here.
TEACHER: Take a seat Miss Gilmore.
RORY: Sorry.
PARIS: Okay, so we were just finishing up handing out the first assignments. Now, Rory, unfortunately, since you got here so late, most everything of interest has been given out.
RORY: Why, I'm shocked.
PARIS: Wait, wait, just let me check my list here. There might be something left for you. Okay, well, here, they're paving the new parking lot tomorrow.
RORY: And?
PARIS: And you can cover it.
RORY: Cover what?
PARIS: The paving process.
RORY: You're serious?
PARIS: Absolutely. I'm sure there's an angle there somewhere. Is it environmentally safe? What are the financial ramifications? Should brick have been considered especially taking into account the architecture of the building?
RORY: Yeah yeah, I get the idea.
PARIS: But hey, if you think this is below you, you can always wait until the next issue. You can just use this time to get a nice manicure.
RORY: That's okay.
PARIS: Maybe get a massage.
RORY: I'll do it.
PARIS: Aromatherapy. Smell like a peach for a few days.
RORY: I said I'll do it, okay? I'll cover the paving.
PARIS: Okay, good. Well then, I guess that's it.
[Everyone gets up from the table. Paris walks to a computer and starts typing. Rory walks over to her.]
PARIS: Problem, Miss Gilmore?
RORY: Nope, no problem at all. I love this assignment.
PARIS: I'm glad.
RORY: I'm gonna write the greatest piece on pavement you've ever read.
PARIS: I hope so.
RORY: And next week, when you give me the scoop on the new copper plumbing installation, I'm gonna be just as thrilled.
PARIS: I like a team player.
RORY: And no matter how many crappy, stupid, useless assignments you throw at me, I'm not going to quit and I'm not going to back down. So you can go home tonight and think about the fact that no matter what you do and no matter how evil you are, at the end of the year, on my high school transcript, it's going to say that I worked on The Franklin. So, if you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do on the origins of concrete.
PARIS: A thousand words on my desk on Tuesday.
[Rory walks out of the room and starts walking down the hallway. Max is coming from the other direction. They stop in front of each other, then both turn around and go the other way. Paris watches from the classroom window.]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is wiping a table as Lorelai walks into the diner.]
LORELAI: Hey.
[Luke is startled and spills coffee on the table.]
LUKE: Oh geez.
LORELAI: Sorry.
LUKE: No, I'll just
you want some coffee?
LORELAI: It's okay. I'll just lick it off the table. So?
LUKE: So what?
LORELAI: Is he here?
LUKE: He's here.
LORELAI: Yeah? How is he? [sits at counter]
LUKE: He's fine.
LORELAI: Did he see the bed?
LUKE: He saw the bed.
LORELAI: Well, where is he? I wanna meet him.
LUKE: Oh, he's out.
LORELAI: Out where?
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: You don't?
LUKE: No, he just went out.
LORELAI: You didn't ask him where he was going?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Why not?
LUKE: Because he's not two.
LORELAI: Yeah, but Luke, he's new in town. He doesn't know his way around yet.
LUKE: Way around what? This is Stars Hollow. You take three left turns and you're back in the center of town.
LORELAI: Luke, when a kid goes out, you have to at least ask where he's going.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Because you're responsible for him now. If he goes and knocks over a liquor store, it's gonna be your fault.
LUKE: If I had asked him where he was going and he actually intended to knock off a liquor store, do you really think he would've told me that?
LORELAI: If he's dumb.
LUKE: He's fine. New topic.
[Jess walks into the diner]
LUKE: Jess, hey, good. I'd like you to meet someone.
LORELAI: Hey. Hi, I'm Lorelai. I just wanted to meet you before Luke had a chance to fill your head with all kinds of little lies about me.
JESS: Hi.
LORELAI: You know, you should meet my daughter. She's about your age. She can show you where all the good wilding goes on. . . .Okay, well, it's nice to meet you. I hope you like it here. . . . . So, class dismissed.
LUKE: Uh, are you hungry 'cause I can
[Jess goes upstairs]
LORELAI: So that's Jess?
LUKE: Yup.
LORELAI: Very chatty.
LUKE: He's adjusting. He just got here. He probably just went out and realized there are twelve stores in this town devoted entirely to peddling porcelain unicorns. I've lived in this town my entire life, I still can't believe it.
LORELAI: I'm sure that's it.
LUKE: He'll be fine in a few days.
LORELAI: Hey, listen, I have a fabulous idea. What are you doing tomorrow night?
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Why don't you and Jess come over for dinner?
LUKE: Dinner?
LORELAI: Sookie will cook, Rory will be there. It'll be a little 'Hey, welcome to Stars Hollow and see, everyone here's not straight out of a Fellini film' kind of an evening.
LUKE: Okay, that would be nice, thanks.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
LUKE: You won't bring up the bed?
LORELAI: Oh no, I'll definitely bring up the bed.
[Luke walks away. Rory walks in and sits at the counter next to Lorelai.]
RORY: Oh my God, I hate her.
LORELAI: Ah, me too.
RORY: You have no idea who I'm talking about.
LORELAI: Solidarity sister.
RORY: Paris.
LORELAI: Ugh. Well, that I should've guessed.
RORY: She thinks she can t*rture me off the paper and she can't.
LORELAI: No, she can't.
RORY: I have never met anyone like her before. Her insistence on holding onto this stupid grudge that is based on nothing and will never ever end shows an amount of commitment that I would've never thought possible. I'm beginning to admire her.
LORELAI: First day sucked?
RORY: Just the paper stuff sucked, the rest of the stuff was good.
LORELAI: Good, I'm glad to hear it. Did you happen to run into Max?
RORY: Actually, no.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: Yeah, our paths just didn't cross.
LORELAI: Isn't he your Lit teacher?
RORY: Yeah, but I do have really tall people sitting in front of me.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: I saw him in the hallway and I walked the other way and
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: I don't know. I thought that's what you'd want me to do.
LORELAI: Just because Max isn't apart of my life anymore doesn't mean he can't be apart of yours. He has to be apart of yours. You have to see him and talk to him, and that's okay. That's good. I know everything seems screwed up right now, but I don't want you to avoid him, especially not on my account. Okay?
RORY: All right.
LORELAI: I am sorry that I put you in this position.
RORY: That's okay. It's going on the list.
LORELAI: My God, that list is getting long.
RORY: You have no idea.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory and Lorelai come out of Luke's and walk down the sidewalk.]
LORELAI: We are having a little gathering tomorrow night.
RORY: What kind of gathering?
LORELAI: Well, Luke's nephew's here, and I thought we could try to make him feel a little more at home.
RORY: Did you meet him?
LORELAI: Sort of.
RORY: What's he like?
LORELAI: Well, he's not gonna be subbing for the new dodo on the Regis show any time soon, let's put in like that.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Jess is sitting on his bed smoking and shuffling cards as Luke walks in.]
LUKE: So you get unpacked?
JESS: Yup.
LUKE: Get enough space in the closet?
JESS: Plenty.
LUKE: You hungry?
JESS: Eighteen.
LUKE: What?
JESS: Just counting how many questions 'til we h*t twenty.
LUKE: Okay, never mind. [phone rings, Luke answers] Yeah? Yeah, Liz, he got here fine.
JESS: Got here at ten this morning.
LUKE: Okay, hang on a sec. Jess? [holds out the phone]
JESS: Pass.
LUKE: Jess, come on.
JESS: Nope.
LUKE: What am I supposed to tell her?
JESS: Tell her I gotta take another crack at that closet. You know, I think I hung my Tool T-shirt next to my Metallica T-shirt and they don't really get along.
LUKE: You really want me to tell her that?
JESS: You think a different band combo would sell it more?
LUKE: [on phone] Yeah, Liz, Jess is gonna have to call you back. Yeah, he's helping me out with a shelf thing and his hand are full
Yeah, I'll tell him. Okay, bye. [hangs up] She said to tell you that your stuff will be here on Friday.
JESS: Great, we'll have a party.
LUKE: You know, your mom thinks this is. . .you know, for the best and for your own good and. . . Anyhow, I guess you'll just call her when you feel like it.
JESS: You wanna play some poker? Five bucks a hand?
LUKE: No.
JESS: Ten?
LUKE: No.
JESS: I can't go any higher than ten.
LUKE: Jess.
JESS: Okay, fifteen
LUKE: Yeah, I don't wanna play poker.
JESS: You sure?
LUKE: I'm sure.
JESS: Okie dokie.
LUKE: So, listen, Lorelai - you met her today, remember? Anyhow, um, she invited us to her house tomorrow night for dinner. Her daughter Rory, who you didn't meet but you'll like 'cause she's a lot like Lorelai, but she's got a slightly tighter grasp on reality. Anyhow, she'll be there, and you know, it'd be a
I don't know, it'd be a chance for you to meet more people and so I, I said yes.
[Jess grabs his coat and walks out.]
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory is sitting alone at the table waiting for the newspaper meeting to start. Paris walks in.]
PARIS: Oh, hello.
RORY: Hi.
PARIS: You're early.
RORY: Yeah, well I felt so bad about the mix up last time, I wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. It won't.
[Other students walk in for the meeting and sit at the table.]
MADELINE: Hey, did you hear that Kimber Slately and Tristin are a major item?
LOUISE: I thought that Kimber and Shawn Asher were this year's John and Jackie.
MADELINE: Nope, Shawn is with Deeds McGuire now, which pushed Jeff Trainer into Dottie Lords' arms leaving Madison Maylands alone for the first weekend since he became captain of the lacrosse team.
LOUISE: Wow, you know so much so soon. You have a gift.
MADELINE: I know. Hey Paris, what do you think about me writing a gossip column for The Franklin?
PARIS: Huh. I don't know. That's a hard one. I mean, this is The Franklin, a newspaper that's been around for almost a hundred years. There have been at least ten former editors of The Franklin that have gone on to work at the New York Times. Six have gone onto the Washington Post. Three are contributing editors at the New Yorker. I think one even went on to win the Pullitzer Prize. But never mind them. I could be the first editor in the history of The Franklin to introduce a column exclusively devoted to who Biffy's boffing today. Quandary. You know, I'm gonna have to get back to you on that one.
MADELINE: Okay.
TEACHER: Oh good, we're all here. And prompt, lovely. Well, I've read everyone's article, and they were all extremely well done. Snappy, informative, well-researched. Paris, you should be very proud of the team you've assembled here this year.
PARIS: Thank you.
TEACHER: I mean, when you've got a reporter who can take an incredibly mundane and seemingly unimportant subject like the re-paving of the faculty parking lot and turn it into a bittersweet piece on how everybody and everything eventually becomes obsolete, then you've really got something. Miss Gilmore, I was touched.
RORY: I owe it all to Paris.
TEACHER: I would strongly advise that next time you give Miss Gilmore something with a little more meat to it.
PARIS: Oh, yeah, great idea.
TEACHER: Okay, let's get down to work here. We've got a layout to put together.
[Rory walks to a computer and sits down. Paris walks over to her.]
PARIS: Well, congratulations.
RORY: Thank you.
PARIS: You must be very proud of yourself.
RORY: Well, I'm not hiding when I pass a mirror.
PARIS: I guess it's part of my job as editor to make sure that our best writer's are writing our best pieces, so I'm going to give you one of our best pieces.
RORY: Uh huh.
PARIS: Front page, lead story, above the fold.
RORY: Get to the catch Paris.
PARIS: No catch.
RORY: No catch?
PARIS: I'd like to start out year off with a profile on the teacher voted most popular from the year before. You know, an in-depth, no holds barred interview. Everybody wants it. You have it.
RORY: You're kidding.
PARIS: Nope.
RORY: Well, thanks.
PARIS: You're welcome. So go ahead and set up that interview with Mr. Medina as soon as possible.
RORY: What?
PARIS: I know it's short notice but I'd love it to lead off the first edition.
RORY: Mr. Medina?
PARIS: He was the winner by a landslide.
RORY: But
PARIS: I'm sorry, is there a problem? I mean, is there some reason why you wouldn't want to interview him? After all, you of all people should be able to get the most in-depth story out of him, especially since he and your mother are involved. They are still involved, aren't they?
RORY: Let's just leave my mother's personal life out of this, okay?
PARIS: Oh, that sounds bad.
RORY: It's not bad, it's just none of your business.
PARIS: Fine. You want the interview or not?
RORY: Yes, I want the interview.
PARIS: Good. Get me something more than his favorite color, okay?
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Sookie and Jackson are in the kitchen cooking.]
SOOKIE: Maybe I should make grilled cheese.
JACKSON: But you're making pot roast.
SOOKIE: But not everybody likes pot roast.
JACKSON: Well, then they can have the chicken wings, the mashed potatoes, the four different kinds of salad that you're making in addition to the pot roast.
SOOKIE: Yeah, I guess you're right.
JACKSON: So I should start slicing the cheese?
SOOKIE: Would you? Oh, that'd be great.
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Oh, wow, something smells good.
SOOKIE: It's the garlic.
JACKSON: Three heads of it.
LORELAI: Nice.
SOOKIE: I want everything to be perfect. We are gonna make this kid think that he died and went to heaven.
JACKSON: Or Henry the Eighth's house.
[Lorelai knocks on Rory's bedroom door.]
LORELAI: Milady?
RORY: Come in.
[Lorelai opens the door, Rory is sitting at her computer.]
LORELAI: Hey, you joining the festivities?
RORY: In a sec.
LORELAI: You sound crabby.
RORY: I'm concentrating.
LORELAI: Okay, don't concentrate too hard. Boys like 'em dumb, right Jackson?
JACKSON: If you can navigate yourself around a tree, keep on walking.
[There's a knock at the front door]
LORELAI: Coming!
SOOKIE: What if he doesn't do dairy?
CUT TO FRONT HALLWAY
[Lorelai opens the front door, Luke and Jess are standing there.]
LORELAI: Hey, perfect timing. Sookie's about to break her own record for the most food served outside the Roman Empire.
LUKE: Sounds great.
JESS: Sure does.
LORELAI: So, come on in.
[They walk inside. Jess goes into the living as Luke and Lorelai keep talking in the hallway.]
LUKE: Sorry we're a little late. We had a little misunderstanding about what time we're actually supposed to leave to come here.
LORELAI: It's okay. How's it going?
LUKE: Oh, well, not bad. Oh, the bed popped.
LORELAI: Yikes. Was anyone in it?
LUKE: Me.
LORELAI: You?
LUKE: Yeah, I let him take the real one.
LORELAI: Well, that was very nice of you. Hey Jess. Wanna come on in the kitchen?
CUT TO KITCHEN
LORELAI: Sookie, Jackson, I want you to meet Luke's nephew. This is Jess.
SOOKIE: Do you eat cheese?
JESS: What?
JACKSON: Oh my God, this is the greatest lemon I have ever grown. I mean, this is a great lemon. Sookie, you gotta try this lemon. Isn't it a great lemon?
SOOKIE: That is a great lemon.
JACKSON: Try it, it's a Meyer.
LORELAI: Jackson grows fruit and then scares people with it. Rory, they're here.
RORY: Coming. [sees Jess] Hey.
JESS: Hey. [walks into Rory's room]
RORY: I'm Rory.
JESS: Yeah, I figured.
RORY: Nice to meet you.
JESS: [looking at bookshelf] Wow, aren't we hooked on phonics.
RORY: Oh, I read a lot. Do you read?
JESS: Not much. [takes a book off the shelf]
RORY: I could loan you that if you want. It's great.
JESS: No thanks. [puts it down]
RORY: Well, if you change your mind
LORELAI: [from the doorway] Okay, we really need to get Jackson away from the lemons now, so we're moving the feast in the living room. [walks away]
RORY: Be right there.
JESS: So do these open? [looking at windows]
RORY: Oh yeah, you just have to unlatch them and then push.
JESS: Great. Shall we?
RORY: Shall we what?
JESS: Bail.
RORY: No.
JESS: Why?
RORY: Because it's Tuesday night in Stars Hollow. There's nowhere to bail to. The 24-hour mini-mart just closed twenty minutes ago.
JESS: So we'll walk around or sit on a bench and stare at our shoes.
RORY: Look, Sookie just made a ton of really great food, and I'm starving and though it may not seem like it right at this moment, it's gonna be fun. Trust me.
JESS: I don't even know you.
RORY: Well, don't I look trustworthy?
JESS: Maybe.
RORY: Okay, good. Let's eat. [walks into kitchen] You want a soda?
JESS: Oh, I'll get it.
RORY: Okay.
[Rory gets a soda and walks into the living room. Jess walks to the fridge, takes out a beer, and goes out the back door.]
CUT TO LIVING ROOM
[A table is set up in the living room. Everyone stands around it loading up their plates.]
SOOKIE: You know ham was originally made out of rice?
JACKSON: What?
SOOKIE: Mm hmm.
LORELAI: Sookie
LUKE: Hey Rory, where's Jess?
RORY: He's getting a soda.
LORELAI: Here. [hands Luke a plate]
LUKE: I'm sorry, you must've mistaken me for you.
LORELAI: Ooh, too much?
SOOKIE: Oh, I forgot the garlic bread.
LORELAI: I'll get it.
CUT TO KITCHEN
[Lorelai walks in, takes the bread out of the oven, then looks around for Jess. She walks out the back door.]
CUT TO BACK PORCH
[Lorelai walks out and finds Jess opening the beer.]
LORELAI: Oh, for me, hey, thanks. [takes a sip] Refreshing. So what, you're not hungry?
JESS: Not really.
LORELAI: Well, Sookie made you some grilled cheese if you don't like pot roast.
JESS: Oh, well, if I'd had known that
LORELAI: Let me guess, you don't want to be here?
JESS: Doesn't matter.
LORELAI: I mean, here in Stars Hollow.
JESS: Well geez, Ms. Gilmore, why would anyone not want to be here in Stars Hollow? That just sounds plum crazy.
LORELAI: Ugh, Jess, let me give you a little advice. The whole 'my parents don't get me' thing, I've been there.
JESS: You have, huh?
LORELAI: Yes, I have. I've also done the 'chip on my shoulder' bit. Ooh, and the surly, sarcastic, 'the world can bite my ass' bit, and let me tell you, I mastered them all, in heels, yet. And everything you're feeling might be totally justified, maybe you are getting screwed. But Luke is a great guy. He's very special, and he really wants to take care of you and make things right for you. You're incredibly lucky to have him. If you give this situation half a chance, you might be surprised at how good it can be, how much you like living here, and how comfortable it feels to have someone like Luke you can really depend on.
JESS: What are you sleeping with him or something?
LORELAI: Excuse me?
JESS: I don't know. The whole starry eyed 'you're so much better off, just give it a chance' speech. You're either really naïve, or you're getting some.
LORELAI: Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.
JESS: Well, now, that's not very neighborly.
LORELAI: Hey, you know what, this is my house, and I choose how I get talked to in it, ha ha.
JESS: You know, you don't know anything about me, or my life, or my mom, or Luke, so why don't you Doctor Laura someone else.
LORELAI: I'm going inside, stay out of my fridge.
CUT TO KITCHEN
[Lorelai walks in from the back door and starts putting the garlic bread in a basket. Luke walks in.]
LUKE: Where's Jess?
LORELAI: Outside working on his "Breakfast Club" audition. He's getting good.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Luke, I'm sorry. That kid is way more screwed up than you think he is.
LUKE: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: I catch him outside with a beer, I don't even bust him on it, I just
I try talking to him
LUKE: What do you mean, talk to him? What did you say?
LORELAI: I said he's got a good thing going here with you and he shouldn't blow it, and then, well then he just got charming.
LUKE: What are you doing talking to him about stuff like that?
LORELAI: I'm trying to help you.
LUKE: I don't need your help.
LORELAI: Uh, yeah you do.
LUKE: Oh, here we go again with this 'I'm not prepared for this' crap.
LORELAI: This is not crap, this is the truth. Luke, you should've heard him talking.
LUKE: I don't need to hear him talking, he's my nephew and I know what I'm doing. And I'm getting a little tired of your condescending
LORELAI: I am not being condescending.
LUKE: Oh, you have a kid, so you know everything, right?
LORELAI: I have a kid, so yeah, I know a little more than you do.
LUKE: You know, you ever think maybe you just got lucky with Rory? I mean, you did get pregnant at sixteen. That doesn't show the greatest decision making skills, now does it?
LORELAI: Wow, two pies.
LUKE: What the hell you talking about?
LORELAI: Nothing. I'm talking about nothing. And you won't have to hear my opinion on anything ever again, okay?
LUKE: Oh, don't tease.
LORELAI: Go find Jess. [walks away]
LUKE: Don't tell me what to do. [goes out the back door]
CUT TO OUTSIDE LUKE'S DINER
[Rory are Lorelai are standing in front of the diner.]
RORY: You're being completely childish.
LORELAI: Am not.
RORY: So what, we're never gonna go into Luke's again? We're just gonna starve?
LORELAI: Rory, this was a bad one, okay? This was not Nick and Nora, this was Sid and Nancy, and I'm not going in there.
RORY: But the coffee is in there. And it's Danish Day. Are you seriously telling me that you're gonna let a stupid fight get in the way of Danish Day?
LORELAI: No, I'm not.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: So go in there and order two coffees and two Danishes to go.
RORY: You're kidding, right?
LORELAI: And don't forget the napkins.
RORY: Mom, he's gonna know what's going on. He's not stupid.
LORELAI: He cannot prove that you're not ordering all that for yourself, can he? No, so go on. Scoot, scoot. Mommy's right here.
CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S
[Rory walks up to Luke at the counter.]
RORY: Hey Luke.
LUKE: Rory.
RORY: Um, I'll have two coffees and two cherry Danishes to go, please.
LUKE: Two coffees and two cherry Danishes.
RORY: Oh, and some napkins.
LUKE: One of these is for her isn't it?
RORY: Who? Oh, no no no. They're all for me. I am super hungry today. I was debating ordering three, but I'll tell you how I feel after two.
LUKE: Tell you what, I'll give you one Danish and one cup of coffee, you can sit over there and eat, and when you're finished them right over there where I can see you, then I'll bring you a second one.
RORY: You're really just gonna stand there and watch me eat a Danish?
LUKE: Cable's out. I'm starved for entertainment.
RORY: Okay, this is insane. So you guys had a fight, big deal. You know you're gonna make up anyway, and what better day to make up than Danish Day, the happiest of all days. The day when we all say, 'hey, let's forgive and forget over a nice Danish and a cup coffee.'
LUKE: One Danish, one cup of coffee, take it or leave it.
RORY: I'll take it. I still think you're being silly.
[Luke hands her a cup of coffee and a paper bag.]
LUKE: Thank you for sharing. Come back soon.
CUT TO FRONT OF DINER
[Rory walks out carrying the bag and the coffee and walks over to Lorelai.]
LORELAI: Well?
RORY: He would only sell me one.
LORELAI: Ugh! Didn't you say they were both for you?
RORY: Yes I did, and he knew that I was lying.
LORELAI: Did you do the blinky thing? You always do the blinky thing when you're lying.
RORY: I didn't have to do the blinky thing. He knows you well enough to know that you're not gonna go a whole day with no coffee and especially no Danish.
LORELAI: Ugh!
RORY: Why don't you go in there now and just make up?
LORELAI: Why don't you give me half your Danish and some coffee?
RORY: I'll give you the Danish but I'm keeping the coffee.
LORELAI: What is a Danish without coffee?
RORY: The eternal question springs up again.
LORELAI: There's no point in even eating a Danish without coffee.
RORY: I'm going to school.
LORELAI: Sad Danish, lonely Danish, step Danish.
RORY: I'll see you tonight. [walks away]
LORELAI: But
[sees a little boy crossing the street] Hey, kid, do me a favor? Come here.
[Luke watches through the window as Lorelai tries to get the kid to buy her coffee.]
LORELAI: Please, please
[the kid runs away, Lorelai looks at the diner and pouts. The phone rings in the diner; Luke answers]
LUKE: Luke's
what is it Taylor? Slow down, you're babbling. Well, how do you know it was Jess? . . . Okay, Taylor, I'll talk to him, but if he tells me he didn't do it and nobody saw him do it, then he is off the hook, understand? [hangs up]
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory walks down the hallway and stops in front of a door. She pauses a second before walking inside. Inside the classroom, Max is sitting at a desk.]
RORY: Hi.
MAX: Rory, hi.
RORY: Am I too early? 'Cause I can
MAX: No, no.
RORY:
come back some other time.
MAX: This is fine.
RORY: Tomorrow maybe.
MAX: Now is good.
RORY: This is weird.
MAX: Yeah, it is.
RORY: I don't really know how to act.
MAX: I'm not completely sure of that myself. We could sit.
RORY: Sit, sure, that's good. Barbara Walters sits, or walks sometimes if the person she's talking to has a horse or a ranch or a big backyard sometimes, but usually she just sits. Okay, so I guess we should just start. [she sits across from him]
MAX: Good idea.
RORY: Do you mind if I tape this?
MAX: Oh, no, not at all.
RORY: Okay. [turns on tape recorder] So I guess I'll just dive in. Full name?
MAX: Max Arturo Medina.
RORY: You're kidding.
MAX: No, I'm not.
RORY: Where does that come from?
MAX: My father's butcher was named Arturo.
RORY: Really?
MAX: And when my mother was pregnant with me, she went through this phase where all she would eat was lamb chops. So Arturo would cut her the extra large lamb chops and only charge her for the regular sized lamb chops, which in my family made you eligible for sainthood.
RORY: Hence the Arturo.
MAX: That's right.
RORY: Well, I assume that you are aware that you were overwhelmingly voted the student's favorite teacher last year.
MAX: I teach an exceptional bunch of young people. I'm glad they seem to like me as much as I like them.
RORY: Have you ever thought of doing something other than teaching?
MAX: Well, my father wanted me to be a doctor, and my mother wanted me to be President, and I wanted to be. . . a clown.
RORY: What?
MAX: When I was a kid, I went to the circus and I saw this man who was dressed in this crazy outfit, and he could juggle and he rode on an elephant and the people loved him and I thought, 'Well, that's it. That's for me.'
RORY: How long did that last?
MAX: Junior high. And then slowly I figured out that I wanted to teach. Plus, when you told people that you wanted to be a clown they tended to get very frightened.
RORY: Mom took me to the circus once, when I was really little and, um, this clown knocked into me and I dropped my cotton candy, and we didn't have a lot of money back then so she couldn't buy me another one, and I started crying. So she literally chased the clown on stage, ripped off his wig and said she wouldn't give it back to him unless he bought me another cotton candy.
MAX: Which I bet he did.
RORY: It was twice as big as the first one and I threw up all the way home.
MAX: Yeah, that sounds like your mom.
RORY: Do you ever regret the fact that you didn't become a clown?
MAX: I don't really believe in regrets. All my experiences, even the ones that didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I firmly believe they were all worth it.
[Rory turns off the tape recorder]
RORY: I just want you to know, I really wanted you to be my stepfather.
MAX: I just want you to know, I really wanted to be your stepfather.
[They're silent for a few seconds, then Rory turns back on tape recorder.]
RORY: So, what would you say are the great challenges facing high school graduates today?
MAX: Well, a myriad of things really
CUT TO OUTSIDE STARS HOLLOW HIGH
[Luke is waiting out front as Jess walks out.]
LUKE: Hey. How was school?
JESS: Great.
LUKE: You learn anything good?
JESS: Oh yeah, tons of things. I've got gold stars plastered all over my forehead.
LUKE: I had an interesting call today. Wanna know who it was from?
JESS: Not really.
LUKE: It was from Taylor Doose, you know he owns the market.
JESS: If you say so.
LUKE: He said you came in today.
JESS: He did?
LUKE: And he said you took some money out of a little donation cup to help repair the bridge. I told him he was crazy, you wouldn't do that, you weren't a thief, that he was just trying to start trouble, then I hung up on him. But don't get me wrong, I enjoy hanging up on Taylor, and he is crazy, but I was just wondering if maybe any of the other things he said were true.
JESS: What do you think?
LUKE: I think that if you tell me that what he's saying is not true, then I'm gonna believe it's not true.
JESS: Okay, it's not true.
LUKE: That doesn't sound very convincing.
JESS: Look, what exactly do you want from me? You bring me here to this place, you put me in a school that says the Pledge of Allegiance in six different languages, two of which I've never heard of before. You take me away from my home, my friends, and now you want what from me?
LUKE: I'm trying to help you.
JESS: Well, stop trying. Stop talking to me, stop following me, and stop asking me questions. Just stop.
LUKE: That's what you want?
JESS: Yes.
LUKE: That's really what you want?
JESS: Yes.
LUKE: Fine, you got it.
JESS: Thank you.
LUKE: You're welcome.
[As they both walk away over a bridge, Luke pushes Jess into the lake.]
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Rory's sitting at the kitchen table doing homework as Lorelai comes home.]
LORELAI: Rory?
RORY: Kitchen.
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen and takes a bag of coffee from the fridge]
LORELAI: Nowhere in either Stars Hollow or it's surrounding counties can you get a decent cup of coffee. I swear, it's like a big stupid coffee conspiracy.
RORY: Why don't you just pour the water right into the bag?
LORELAI: Oh, you jest, but believe me, the thought has crossed my mind. It's looking better and better all the time. Where are you going? I'm not through complaining.
RORY: I just have to get some more notes I need.
LORELAI: Hmm. What's this?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: This that you're working on?
RORY: Oh, that's my interview with Max.
LORELAI: What interview with Max?
RORY: The paper wanted to do a piece on the student's favorite teacher from the previous year and Paris assigned it to me when she caught wind of the fact that. . .
LORELAI: Wow, nice kid that Paris.
RORY: Yeah. It wasn't that bad though.
LORELAI: No?
RORY: No. It was actually good. It gave us a chance to talk about some things.
LORELAI: Well good.
RORY: Yeah, it was good. Well, I'm gonna buy a folder for it before the store closes.
LORELAI: Okay. Some good writing here, missy.
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Really good.
RORY: It's not quite up to the re-paving piece yet but I'll get it there.
LORELAI: Hmm. Boy, he sounds like a hell of a guy, doesn't he?
RORY: Yeah, he does. [leaves]
LORELAI: I sure know how to dump 'em, don't I?
[there's a knock at the back door; Lorelai opens it, Luke walks in.]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: I just pushed him in a lake.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Jess. I got this call from Taylor that he thinks Jess stole the bridge money and I went to confront him and he was being impossible and I just pushed him in a lake. This is bad.
LORELAI: That depends, can he swim?
LUKE: He's fine. He's wet. I just, I lost it, you know. You were right. I am in so far over my head that I can't see my own hat.
LORELAI: Try turning it around
LUKE: What was I thinking? Why did I say yes to this?
LORELAI: Because you saw a kid in desperate need of some help and you thought you would throw him a line.
LUKE: But me, raising a kid? I don't even like kids. They're always sticky, you know, like they've got jam on their hands. Even if there's no jam in the house, somehow they've always got jam on their hands. I'm not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands.
LORELAI: Luke, slow down. First of all, Jess is seventeen, so I think he's probably past the jam hands stage by now. And second of all, you can do this. If you want to, you are totally capable. But you can't just buy a bed and some sheets and expect the rest to take care of itself. That will not work.
LUKE: I swear, I'm gonna k*ll Liz.
LORELAI: Hey, Liz is not the point anymore. Liz is not here, Jess is here. Focus on him. What are you gonna do about him?
[Babette walks in the back door.]
BABETTE: Lorelai, sugah? I hate to bother you, but have you seen Pierpont?
LORELAI: Um no. Why?
BABETTE: It's the darndest thing. I came out just now and I noticed that he was gone. Just like that.
LUKE: I'm sorry, who's missing?
BABETTE: Pierpont, gorgeous.
LORELAI: Her gnome.
LUKE: Her gnome?
BABETTE: The one with the pipe.
LUKE: Oh.
BABETTE: Oh God, I hope nothing's happened to him. You get so attached to their little faces, sometimes you can hear them talk to you at night.
LUKE: You know, I wouldn't worry Babette. I think you're gonna see Pierpont again really soon. [walks to the front door]
LORELAI: Oh, where you going?
LUKE: I have to take care of something. I'll see you tomorrow at the diner for your Danish, right?
LORELAI: Tomorrow isn't Danish Day.
LUKE: Just be there.
LORELAI: Yes, sir.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Jess is on his bed smoking; Luke walks in with a bag and starts dropping things on his bed.]
LUKE: Okay, we got the patch, the gum, hypnosis tapes, Chinese herbs, self-help books, and several pictures of diseased lungs to hang on the fridge. Pretty, huh? This is done. [puts out his cigarette]
JESS: Hey!
LUKE: You will get up, you will go to school, you will come home, you will work in the diner until closing, you will do your homework and then you will go to bed. Where's the gnome?
JESS: The what?
LUKE: The weekends are for chores and selected pre-approved outings, i.e. cavalla studies, freeway beautification projects, Color Me Mine pottery painting, all discussible options. You will not steal, you will pay back Taylor Doose, you will graduate for high school, and you will return Pierpont to his yard.
JESS: You can't just
LUKE: I can just. I am not letting you just fall off the face of the earth. You will not drift, I won't let it happen. Now I don't know if this is the right way to handle this, but this is the way it's being handled, and that my friend, is the end of this discussion. [Jess gets up and walks away] Where are you going?
JESS: Out. [leaves]
LUKE: Well, at least I asked.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Jess is walking down the street and sees Rory come out of a store. He walks over to her.]
JESS: Hey.
RORY: Hey yourself.
JESS: What are you doing out here?
RORY: I needed something for school. What about you?
JESS: Oh yeah, same thing.
RORY: Uh huh. So, that was quite a disappearing act you pulled the other night.
JESS: Potlucks and Tupperware parties aren't really my thing.
RORY: Too cool for school, huh?
JESS: Yes, that is me.
RORY: What are you doing?
JESS: Oh this? Nothing. [does an illusion with a coin] Just another little disappearing act.
RORY: Little tip?
JESS: Yeah?
RORY: If you ever want to speak to me again, don't pull that out of my ear.
JESS: So I assume the nose is off limits too?
RORY: Any place you wouldn't naturally find a coin, let's leave it that way.
JESS: So what are you doing now?
RORY: I have some homework to finish.
JESS: Okay, then I'll leave you this last little trick. [hands her a book]
RORY: You bought a copy? I told you I'd lend you mine.
JESS: It is yours.
RORY: You stole my book.
JESS: Nope, borrowed it.
RORY: Okay, that's not called a trick, that's called a felony.
JESS: I just wanted to put some notes in the margins for you.
RORY: What? [looks through the book] You've read this before.
JESS: About forty times.
RORY: I thought you said you didn't read much.
JESS: Well, what is much? Goodnight Rory.
RORY: Goodnight Dodger.
JESS: Dodger?
RORY: Figure it out.
JESS: Oliver Twist.
[Rory smiles and nods. They both walk away.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x05 - Nick & Nora, Syd & Nancy"} | foreverdreaming |
2.06 - Presenting Lorelai Gilmore
written by Sheila R. Lawrence
directed by Chris Long
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings, the maid answers it; Lorelai and Rory are standing there.]
MAID: Yes?
LORELAI: Hey.
MAID: Hello.
LORELAI: You're new.
MAID: Uh, I started yesterday.
LORELAI: What's your name?
MAID: Liesl.
LORELAI: Okay, Liesl. I'm Brigitta, this is Gretl. And, uh, Emily and Richard are expecting us.
LIESL: Oh, I'm sorry. Please come in.
[Lorelai and Rory walk inside; they hear Emily and Richard arguing upstairs.]
LIESL: Uh, can I, uh, get you a drink?
LORELAI: You know what, that's okay. I can get it. Why don't you go hide in the kitchen?
LIESL: Really? Thank you. [walks away]
RORY: What is going on?
LORELAI: I don't know. I think George and Martha are joining us for dinner.
[Lorelai and Rory watch Emily and Richard fighting on the steps.]
RICHARD: I didn't know that my every conversation needed to be reported to you. I stand corrected.
EMILY: I have been the co-chair of the Starlight Foundation for the last eight years.
RICHARD: I know this, Emily.
EMILY: And the Black and White Ball is the main fundraising event of the season.
RICHARD: It's one year.
EMILY: The co-chair cannot miss the main fundraising event.
RICHARD: Why? Won't the chair be there?
EMILY: Is this a joke to you?
RICHARD: Emily, I have too many things to take care of at work. I don't have time for frivolous parties.
EMILY: Frivolous parties? Friv. . . .[walks up the steps]
RICHARD: Well, where are you going? Oh, come back here. [follows her]
RORY: Wow, this is bad.
LORELAI: I know, I wish we had popcorn.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Shh. Incoming.
[Emily and Richard come back down the steps. Emily reads from a stack of invitations.]
EMILY: The Hartford Zoological Silent Auction, the Mark Twain House Restoration Fund luncheon, the Harriet Beecher Stowe Literacy Auction.
RICHARD: I can read those myself, you know.
EMILY: This is the fourth event you've taken upon yourself to turn down on our behalf. And I am on the board of all of those foundations. Now how do you think that makes me look?
RICHARD: Like your husband is busy and has a great deal of responsibility.
EMILY: Well, I have responsibilities too.
RICHARD: I understand that your social engagements are important.
EMILY: They're not just social engagements.
RICHARD: Anything at which you serve tea is a social engagement.
EMILY: That's it. I am gonna get a tape recorder so you can hear how pompous and condescending you sound.
RICHARD: Wha...uh...Emily.
EMILY: No, I wouldn't want you to take my word for it. I might be delirious from all that tea I've been drinking. [walks upstairs]
RICHARD: Oh stop this. [follows her]
RORY: Maybe we should leave.
LORELAI: Are you kidding? We've got dinner theater here.
RORY: But Grandma and Grandpa are obviously in a fight.
LORELAI: Yeah?
RORY: One that they probably wouldn't want us to see.
LORELAI: Hey, we stumbled in here completely innocently. We came for dinner as usual, per their request. We had no idea we were walking into The Lion King without the puppet heads.
[They come back downstairs. Emily follows Richard holding out a tape recorder.]
RICHARD: Get that thing out of my face.
EMILY: Just say the tea thing again.
RICHARD: You are behaving like a child.
EMILY: Turn around when you talk, would you? I'm not sure how good this microphone is.
RICHARD: [sees Lorelai and Rory] Oh.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: [claps] Brava! Encore! I'm sorry, does Terrence McNally know about you too? Get me the phone!
[opening credits]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the counter. Lorelai is reading Rory's homework.]
RORY: It sucks. I know it sucks, just tell me it sucks.
LORELAI: It's great.
RORY: No it's not.
LORELAI: It's an A.
RORY: Don't lie.
LORELAI: A-plus.
RORY: You're my mom.
LORELAI: Is anything higher than an A-plus?
RORY: You have to say that.
LORELAI: It's an A-plus with a crown and a wand.
RORY: This is not how you raise a child. You don't send them out there with a false sense of pride because out there, in the real world, no one will coddle you. I'd rather know right now if I'm gonna be working at CNN or carrying a basket around it's offices with sandwiches in it.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: It's great.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Really really.
RORY: Thank you.
[Luke walks over and fills their mugs.]
LUKE: Coffee
coffee. Okay, what do you want? Eggs, toast, combo?
LORELAI: What's the rush there, Zippy?
LUKE: I'm just swamped this morning. I was supposed to have help but I don't. So order right now or I'm bringing the both of you an egg white omelet with a side of steamed spinach.
LORELAI: Pancakes.
RORY: French toast.
LUKE: Thank you. [Jess walks into the diner from the stairway] Jess, you were supposed to be down here. . . .what the hell is that?
JESS: What?
LUKE: That.
JESS: That is a shirt.
LUKE: Change.
JESS: What?
LUKE: Go upstairs and change your shirt.
JESS: I like this shirt.
LUKE: How can you like that shirt?
JESS: It brings out my eyes.
LUKE: Hey, part of the deal of you staying here is that you work here, and when you work here you will wear proper work attire, and that is not proper work attire. Now go upstairs and change into something that won't scare the hell out of my customers.
JESS: Whatever you say Uncle Luke. [goes upstairs]
LORELAI: Gross shirt.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Good band.
RORY: Oh yeah.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily is having tea on the back patio with three friends.]
EMILY: Thank you.
MAID: Mm hmm. [walks away]
LADY 1: Another new one, Emily?
EMILY: Yes. The last one only made it through one evening. Thoroughly nervous creature.
LADY 2: What do you do to them, Em?
EMILY: Oh, the usual. Clean this, cook that, sacrifice a virgin on your way out.
LADY 1: [laughs] The things you say.
LADY 2: We could've done with some of that at the ball the other night.
EMILY: Why, was it dull?
LADY 2: I felt as if my shoes were going out of style as I sat there.
EMILY: What a shame.
LADY 3: Now, Nattie, it wasn't all dull. Are we forgetting Truly Bishop?
NATTIE: Oh, that's right.
EMILY: What, what about Truly Bishop?
LADY 3: Well, you know she and Eugene split up last month.
EMILY: What?
NATTIE: Oh Em! You knew about that. They had this huge fight at the. . oh that's right, you missed the Schafer's cocktail party.
EMILY: They broke up at the Schafer's cocktail party?
NATTIE: He has another family in Salisbury.
EMILY: No!
LADY 3: She's 26, with a 2 year old.
EMILY: How did Truly find out?
NATTIE: The little tart sent her a letter.
EMILY: Oh my God.
LADY 1: So Truly confronted Eugene after consuming a bottle and a half of Cristal, and he admitted it. He said he was going to leave her and marry the Salisbury concubine.
EMILY: What did she do?
LADY 1: She threw an ice sculpture at his head.
EMILY: I can't believe I missed that.
LADY 1: You've missed everything lately.
LADY 3: Yes, where have you been? Is everything all right?
EMILY: Yes, it's just, uh, Richard.
NATTIE: He hasn't been hanging out in Salisbury, has he?
EMILY: No, he's been swamped at work. Night and day, weekends. You'd think he was the only person who worked at that company. Plus, he hasn't been feeling very well. His back and knees. Very bad knees. [Sees Rory at the patio doorway] Oh Rory, what a nice surprise.
RORY: Hey Grandma. Sorry to butt in like this.
EMILY: Nonsense, come and meet my friends. Ladies, I'd like you to meet my granddaughter Rory.
LADY 3: Well, hello Rory.
RORY: Nice to meet you.
NATTIE: My goodness, what a pretty girl you are.
LADY 1: She looks just like Lorelai, doesn't she?
NATTIE: The eyes.
LADY 3: The nose.
LADY 1: Walk around sweetie.
EMILY: Sally, leave the girl alone.
LADY 1: I just wanna see the walk. Lorelai had such a specific walk.
LADY 3: Fast.
LADY 1: That was it.
EMILY: Come, sit, would you like some tea?
RORY: Oh, no. I just came to pick up a book that Grandpa was supposed to leave for me.
EMILY: Go check his study. It might be on his desk.
RORY: Okay, thanks. [walks inside]
LADY 3: Emily, your granddaughter is just lovely. How old is she?
EMILY: Sixteen.
LADY 3: Sixteen, that's a nice age.
LADY 1: So, have you thought about her debut?
EMILY: Oh, uh, no, not yet.
LADY 3: Well you know, the Daughters of the Daughters of the American Revolution Debutante Ball is next week.
EMILY: It is? I hadn't realized.
LADY 3: Why don't you present Rory there?
EMILY: Oh. . uh. . Well, I don't know. Isn't it a little late?
LADY 1: Oh please. For Emily Gilmore, I'm sure they'll bend the rules.
LADY 3: Oh you have to. With a girl like that Emily, you'll be the h*t of the ball.
NATTIE: She'd definitely be the prettiest one there.
LADY 1: Except for Katie Heathington.
LADY 3: No, didn't you hear? Katie fell off her horse, has a scab on her face.
NATTIE: Oh, well then, if Katie Heathington has a scab on her face, Rory will definitely be the prettiest one there.
LADY 3: It'll be your crowning moment.
[Rory returns with the book]
RORY: I found it. [pause] Yay.
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Lorelai sits at the kitchen table doing homework as Rory comes home.]
RORY: I'm coming out.
LORELAI: Out of what?
RORY: Out into society.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
RORY: I went to Grandma's house after school.
LORELAI: Okay, right away, bad.
RORY: And, um, her DAR friends are all there and they're talking about this debutante ball that's being thrown.
LORELAI: Oh no.
RORY: And when I got back from Grandpa's office, they all invited me out onto the patio.
LORELAI: No no no, please tell me you did not go out onto the patio.
RORY: I went out onto the patio.
LORELAI: Ugh, Rory, that's like accepting the position as the drummer in Spinal Tap.
RORY: Before I knew it, Grandma was telling me how important it is for a person to be properly presented to society.
LORELAI: Ugh.
RORY: And how every young girl dreams of this day.
LORELAI: Agh.
RORY: And how there are flowers.
LORELAI: Oh Lord.
RORY: And music.
LORELAI: Please.
RORY: And cake.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, the cake's actually good.
RORY: And before I knew it, Grandma was bringing out your old dress and I was trying it on and. . . what are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm getting you out of this. [picks up phone]
RORY: Mom, wait.
LORELAI: I swear, there is nothing in the world my mother is better at than getting someone to agree to something that in any other universe, they would never ever consider.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I am still convinced she had something to do with Lily Tomlin doing that movie with John Travolta.
RORY: I'm doing this.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Because you should've seen the look on Grandma's face when she asked me. It's just really really important to her.
LORELAI: But. . .
RORY: Now if it's that important to her, and it's not that important to me, then why shouldn't I do it?
LORELAI: Rory, do you now what a coming out party says?
RORY: It says I'm a woman now.
LORELAI: No. It says, 'Hi, I'm Rory. I'm of good breeding and marriageable age, and I will now parade around in front of young men of similarly good breeding and marriageable age so they can all take a good long look at me.'
RORY: You're exaggerating.
LORELAI: No, it's like animals being up for bid at the county fair, except sheep don't wear hoop skirts.
RORY: Look, I promised, but you don't have to be apart of it if you don't want to.
LORELAI: No, no, if you wanna do it, I'll help. It's just weird. This is all the stuff I ran away from. I just assumed you'd be running with me.
RORY: Well, I would, but I heard debutantes don't run. Something about the heels.
LORELAI: All right then. If you're sure, where do we start? Uh, let's see. Well, you have a dress. You need a dowry, I guess. There you go. And uh, you'll need shoes, hose, gloves, some mice, a dog, a pumpkin. What's wrong?
RORY: Oh, nothing.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: Oh, no, it just says that your father is supposed to present you at the ceremony.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: Whatever, it's no big deal. I can get someone else to do it. Grandpa probably.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: Or Taylor.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: Or the cable guy looked pretty friendly last week. Maybe he has a tux.
LORELAI: Hand me the phone.
RORY: I was kidding about the cable guy. What are you doing?
LORELAI: [dials phone] Look missy, there are plenty of things that should weird you out about coming out, but inviting your father shouldn't be one of them.
OPERATOR: The number you have dialed. . .
LORELAI: Umm, wra. . . gum wrapper.
RORY: He's not going to come.
LORELAI: You don't know until you ask.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: [dials new number] Look, we call, we ask, there's no harm. Trust me. Cable guy's not going anywhere.
CHRISTOPHER: Hello?
LORELAI: Ugh, hi. Where the hell are you?
CHRISTOPER: Boston.
LORELAI: Boston? [walks into living room]
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, Boston. Baked Beans, cream pie, tea party, strangler.
LORELAI: Oh, that Boston.
CHRISTOPHER: And you?
LORELAI: Me.
CHRISTOPHER: Where are you?
LORELAI: Helsinki.
CHRISTOPHER: Really.
LORELAI: Yeah, I finally got the girl band together and after a week opening stateside, we headed across the Atlantic and now we're huge with the Nordic set.
CHRISTOPHER: It's good to hear from you. We haven't talked in awhile.
LORELAI: You could've called too, you know. Or do you have one of those special phones that only receives calls?
CHRISTOPHER: Well, I figured you had a lot going on what with the engagement and the canceling of the engagement. How's that going, by the way?
LORELAI: No, still canceled.
CHRISTOPHER: You okay?
LORELAI: Good. And I'm even better when I'm not talking about it.
CHRISTOPHER: Moving on then.
LORELAI: So I have some shocking news. Rory's coming out.
CHRISTOPHER: Out of what?
LORELAI: Coming out. White dresses, gloves, curtsies.
CHRISTOPHER: Stop it.
LORELAI: I swear to God.
CHRISTOPHER: I can't believe you're letting her do it.
LORELAI: Oh, well, I wasn't about to let her use my method of getting out of it.
CHRISTOPHER: This is crazy.
LORELAI: She's doing it as a favor to my mom, there's no talking her out of it.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, did you tell her about Barbara Hutton, Doris Duke, Gloria Vanderbilt?
LORELAI: Yes, and she's perfectly willing to marry Cary Grant, get offed by her crazy butler and start designing blue jeans as soon as the ball ends.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, okay, if that's what she wants.
LORELAI: Now comes the reason for my phone call.
CHRISTOPHER: All your regular 976 numbers are busy.
LORELAI: Now I know this is totally not your thing, but as you will remember, part of the whole coming out process involves the girls being escorted around the dance floor by their Dads.
CHRISTOPHER: Ah.
LORELAI: Now, I know you would rather sit through "Endless Love" than ever be apart of this scene again. But this is very important to your daughter and she has never asked you for anything, and although no one's keeping track, it would seem that your constant non-presence in her life and your lack of ever showing up when you say you're going to or calling when you say you're going to or basically doing anything when you say you're going to would tend to indicate that you owe her, big time. Now before you say no, I want you to take a minute and remember you have a great daughter who needs you and she has a mother who will hunt you down like a half-priced Kate Spade purse if you disappoint her.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, I'm there.
LORELAI: By there, do you mean the Daughters of the American Revolution Annual Debutante Ball?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes.
LORELAI: Oh Chris, please don't make this promise if you can't.
CHRISTOPHER: I wouldn't miss it.
LORELAI: It's next weekend.
CHRISTOPHER: I'll clear my schedule.
LORELAI: You swear?
CHRISTOPHER: Oh wait, next weekend?
LORELAI: Christopher!
CHRISTOPHER: I'm kidding, I will definitely be there.
LORELAI: Okay, and in exchange for that I will refrain from saying the ten things that came to mind for making fun of your schedule.
CHRISTOPHER: Thanks.
LORELAI: Bye.
CHRISTOPHER: Bye.
[Rory walks into living room]
LORELAI: Hey Little Debbie, your dad is definitely gonna be there.
RORY: You're kidding!
LORELAI: No, he's gonna walk you down the stairs, and turn you in a circle, watch you curtsy, and announce that Rory Gilmore is officially open for business.
RORY: I can't believe it. And he definitely said definitely?
LORELAI: Definitely.
RORY: So there's a fifty/fifty chance.
LORELAI: I don't know. He sounded pretty sure, I'd say sixty/forty.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Dean, Lane and Rory are on the couch watching TV while Lorelai walks around the living room talking on the telephone.]
LORELAI: No Mom, I'm sure one crinolin will be plenty. No, she doesn't. I'm sure she doesn't. Yeah, in what scenario would I have bought Rory elbow length kidskin gloves, Mom? Oh, I'm sorry, I meant what scenario on my planet would I have bought Rory elbow length kidskin gloves?
RORY: So?
DEAN: So what?
RORY: It's good huh?
DEAN: It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction.
RORY: And doesn't Neil Young look cool?
DEAN: I guess.
RORY: If you'll notice, he's wearing a tux.
DEAN: Neil Young looks cool because he's Neil Young, not because he's wearing a tux.
LORELAI: No, I don't have to ask her mom 'cause I know the answer. I know the answer Mom, I know the answer. Yeah, no, okay, well I don't have to ask her Mom
Hold on. Rory, would you like Grandma's hairstylist to come and set your hair before the ball? . . Oh, I did not coach her Mom, go back to talking about gloves.
RORY: I think you're gonna look great in a tux.
LANE: Tails.
DEAN: What?
LANE: Yeah, according to this it says that all escorts must be properly attired in black tails, white cumberbuns, and white gloves.
DEAN: What?
RORY: I'm sure the gloves are optional.
LANE: Not according to this.
DEAN: Tails? Gloves?
RORY: Remember Neil Young. Remember that you love me. Remember that I'll be watching BattleBots with you for a month.
DEAN: Show me Neil Young again.
[Horn honks from outside]
RORY: Dad!
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Christopher is getting out of his car as Rory and Lorelai walk out the front door.]
RORY: Dad! [runs to the car]
CHRISTOPHER: Whoa! Hold it right there. A lady never runs out to meet a gentleman caller who hasn't been announced.
RORY: Sorry, we haven't tamed my wild ways yet.
CHRISTOPHER: Thank God I'm here now.
RORY: I missed you! [hugs him]
CHRISTOPHER: Me too.
LORELAI: Hey.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey.
LORELAI: What is this?
CHRISTOPHER: What? Oh my God, where did this come from?
LORELAI: What happened to your bike?
CHRISTOPHER: A crazy game of key exchange at the car wash.
LORELAI: This is a car.
CHRISTOPHER: Yes it is.
LORELAI: It has four wheels and a roof and airbags and seat belts and my God, it smells like a forest.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, I needed a little more space. Had something big to haul. I believe this belongs to you. [hands Rory a box from the trunk]
RORY: The Compact Oxford English Dictionary!
CHRISTOPHER: I promised you I'd get it. I'm just sorry it took so long.
RORY: That's okay.
CHRISTOPHER: On the bright side, this is the new edition. If I'd gotten you the old one, you wouldn't have the word 'jiggy' in it.
RORY: Thank you. I love it, I'm gonna go look things up right now.
CHRISTOPHER: Wait wait. [hands her magnifying glass]
RORY: Thanks.
CHRISTOPHER: Go. [Rory goes inside]
LORELAI: That was really great of you.
CHRISTOPHER: Thank you. So back to mocking my car?
LORELAI: Oh yeah. A Volvo sedan, are you kidding?
CHRISTOPHER: This is a great car.
LORELAI: For driving to bingo.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, it just seemed like time. I couldn't keep showing up for work on my bike.
LORELAI: Work?
CHRISTOPHER: You've heard of it.
LORELAI: Yes, but I didn't think you had.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, it took awhile. I kept getting it mixed up with nap, but I finally figured it out.
LORELAI: So, you bought a car and got a job?
CHRISTOPHER: Actually, job then car.
LORELAI: Oh, 'cause it's more responsible that way.
CHRISTOPHER: Exactly.
LORELAI: Wow, so tell me about the job.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, I show up everyday, drink bad coffee, exchange lame pleasantries in the break room with Linda from marketing, and then at the end of two weeks they give me a paycheck. It's a pretty cool system.
LORELAI: You're serious?
CHRISTOPHER: Well, you know how us working types are. Get in.
LORELAI: Well uh. . .I'm not supposed to take rides with strangers.
CHRISTOPHER: Trust me.
LORELAI: Yes, but only if you promise we won't go over 25 miles an hour on the motorway. [Lorelai gets in as Christopher blasts some music] Oh my God, George Lucas wishes he had this sound system.
CHRISTOPHER: I've got Alpine head units, two subs, and two twelves. In exchange, no passenger-side airbag.
LORELAI: Ah, so the old Christopher still lives.
[Rory leans in the car window.]
RORY: Could you please attenuate the cacophony out here?
LORELAI: Huh?
[Rory reaches in and adjusts the volume]
RORY: Turn down the music. [goes back inside]
LORELAI: Next time instead of a dictionary, just slip her a crisp twenty.
CHRISTOPHER: Deal.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Emily walk through the front door carrying several shopping bags.]
LORELAI: Twelve pairs of pantyhose.
EMILY: It's going to be a long night. She's bound to have a run.
LORELAI: Twelve pairs.
EMILY: There's the presentation, the circle, the curtsy, the fan dance.
LORELAI: Mom, there'd have to be a 12k run and a jujitsu demonstration for her to go through twelve pairs of pantyhose.
EMILY: Does it really hurt to be prepared, Lorelai?
LORELAI: No, Mom, it doesn't hurt to be prepared.
EMILY: Thank you.
LORELAI: And the good news is, now she is prepared for her high school graduation, her college graduation, her marriage, three to five anniversaries, a hostess gig, and jury duty, especially if she's sequestered.
EMILY: You make me tired.
[Richard walks down the stairs.]
EMILY: Oh Richard, I didn't know you were home.
RICHARD: Yes, well, we learn something everyday.
EMILY: You didn't have to work?
RICHARD: I am working.
LORELAI: Hey Dad, guess how many pairs of pantyhose we bought today?
RICHARD: I'd rather not, if you don't mind.
EMILY: Oh Richard, I got you some beautiful new cufflinks for this weekend.
RICHARD: I already have cufflinks.
EMILY: I know, but these have bulldogs on them. Come look.
RICHARD: I'll look at them later.
EMILY: All right, fine. Just remember to pick up your tux from the cleaners tomorrow.
RICHARD: I won't have time.
EMILY: It's right around the corner from your office.
RICHARD: I have to go in early tomorrow.
EMILY: Well, go now.
RICHARD: I am busy now.
EMILY: Doing what?
RICHARD: Emily, I am not going to qualify my time with you. I am not going to pick up my tuxedo. You planned this ridiculous affair, you pick up my tuxedo. Or I simply don't have to go. Either one of these options is fine with me. [leaves]
LORELAI: Hey Mom, I might be reading too much into this, but um, is something going on between you and Dad?
EMILY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: I don't know, he just seems a little less jolly than usual.
EMILY: He's just busy.
LORELAI: He seems upset.
EMILY: Well, he's not.
LORELAI: You seem upset.
EMILY: Well I'm not. We're both fine.
LORELAI: Okay, my mistake.
EMILY: I better go pick up his tux.
CUT TO MISS PATTY'S DANCE STUDIO
[Rory and Dean are practicing dancing.]
MISS PATTY: Now, keep counting in your heads. Look each other in the eye. Dean, are you leading?
DEAN: I have no idea.
MISS PATTY: Okay okay, stop stop stop. Now remember, one of the most important things in ballroom dancing is to remember to spot, otherwise you're gonna get dizzy. So, what you wanna do is you wanna pick out something to focus on. I usually like to find a lonely seaman. Then when turning, whip your head around and find your spot again. [spins around] Hello sailor, hello sailor, hello sailor. Now you try it.
DEAN: You've gotta be kidding me.
RORY: I think you can do it without the 'hello sailor' part.
DEAN: Rory.
RORY: BattleBots.
DEAN: For the rest of your life.
MISS PATTY: Now take it from the top.
[Rory and Dean start dancing again as Lorelai and Christopher walk in with coffee.]
LORELAI: Hey, you guys are really improving. Now you're actually facing each other.
CHRISTOPHER: Anyone need a break?
MISS PATTY: Okay, take five, but don't sit down because your muscles will get cold.
LORELAI: So how's it going?
RORY: Actually, I'm not very good.
DEAN: Yeah, which is really holding me back because I'm a natural.
LORELAI: Well, maybe you just need a glittery glove and a really freaky face.
RORY: At one point Miss Patty thought Dean was gonna get hurt, she made me sit in the corner and watch.
LORELAI: Hey! Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
CHRISTOPHER: It's not your fault. Ballroom dancing is a wonderfully sexist thing. Any woman can do it, all she needs is a strong male lead. No offense Dean. [He pulls Lorelai towards him, but she stumbles.]
LORELAI: Oh, agh!
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, well, most any woman can do it.
LORELAI: I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready. I want a do over.
CHRISTOPHER: Fine. May I have this dance?
LORELAI: I don't know. Do you have a trust fund? Always make sure.
[Lorelai and Christopher start dancing. When they're done, Rory and Dean clap.]
RORY: Okay, I'm adopted.
DEAN: Yeah, I'm never gonna be able to do that.
CHRISTOPHER: No, you guys just need some practice.
MISS PATTY: Listen to your father, Rory. Your adorable, adorable father.
LORELAI: Come on, let's get you out of here before you become Patty's next husband.
CHRISTOPHER: See you guys later. Bye Patty.
MISS PATTY: Oh, the way you toy with me.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Christopher walk out of the dance studio each holding a coffee cup.]
LORELAI: Did you know you still knew how to do that?
CHRISTOPHER: I wish I didn't. Imagine what we could do if we freed up the brain space that holds onto the Vianese Waltz.
LORELAI: Yeah, it's right up there in between old Brady Bunch reruns and the lyrics to Rapture.
CHRISTOPHER: Ooh, I gotta say, this isn't like the chai lattes in Boston.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, expecting Luke to make a chai anything was completely insane.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I'm pretty sure he just threw a cinnamon stick in some tea.
LORELAI: I'm pretty sure it's not a cinnamon stick.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, throwing this out now.
LORELAI: So chai latte, when did that happen?
CHRISTOPHER: I don't know. Everyone at work drinks them.
LORELAI: Huh. Well, since you still haven't told me what exactly it is that you do, I'm gonna go with yoga instructor or chiropractor.
CHRISTOPHER: No, it's actually pretty interesting. I'm working for this firm that helps those overblown tech companies scale back and stay afloat now that they're facing leaner times.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, uh, what's the interesting part?
CHRISTOPHER: We dress like superheroes when we do it.
LORELAI: Oh, nice. So how long do you think you'll be able to keep this going?
CHRISTOPHER: Well, I'm pretty happy there. I'd say at least 'til Tuesday.
LORELAI: Oh, so long term.
CHRISTOPHER: You know, it's weird. I always hated the idea of having to be somewhere at a specific time day after day, but as it turns out, I like the s*ab.
LORELAI: Really?
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. I like that at the end of the day, I feel like I've done something. I've earned something.
LORELAI: Well, I think that's really great.
CHRISTOPHER: Only took me ten years and several failed business ventures to figure out what I wanted.
LORELAI: Which is?
CHRISTOPHER: Not my parents' life.
LORELAI: Ah.
CHRISTOPHER: Something you figured out at sixteen.
LORELAI: Actually, six months, but I just couldn't vocalize it yet.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, you knew what you wanted, you went out and got it. I was always a little jealous of you.
LORELAI: Well, you seem to be catching up. We did good.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. Well, I did good. The fact that she can't follow a lead is all you.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory sits on the couch painting her toenails, Christopher helps Dean tie his bowtie, Lorelai walks around with a book on her head eating Chinese food.]
LORELAI: See now, only a lady can gracefully walk around a room with a book on her head while eating Kung Pao chicken. And a great lady can even spit the peanuts back into the container without anyone noticing.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, don't be intimidated. You have to practice and practice to get to my level.
RORY: Anyone want the last eggroll?
DEAN: Uh, no.
LORELAI: Heh. Where are you going?
RORY: To get the eggroll.
LORELAI: You're getting the eggroll yourself?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: No! Ladies never get their own eggrolls. Ladies never get their own anything. They don't even get their own ideas.
RORY: Oh boy.
LORELAI: They just sit helplessly and wait for some young strong man to come by and assist them. They don't step in puddles, they don't step over puddles. They can't even look at puddles. They actually need to be blindfolded and thrown in a sack and carried over puddles.
RORY: Isn't there a moratorium on how long ladies are supposed to talk?
LORELAI: Uhh, no. Now repeat after me, I am completely helpless.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, so you pull the left side through the back loop and tug a little bit on both sides, and you my friend, might just be mistaken for a gentleman. Or a waiter.
DEAN: So, how do you know how to do this?
CHRISTOPHER: Seventeen cotillions, a dozen debutante balls, and a brief but scarring experiment with the Children of the American Revolution.
LORELAI: Where you wore nothing but the bowtie.
CHRISTOPHER: A good idea on conception, but the sudden snowstorm instantly dampened the effect.
DEAN: Hey, uh, do you think it's cool when Neil Young wears a tux?
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, of course, but it's Neil Young.
DEAN: All right. I should get going. I'll see you at three.
RORY: Okay. Oh wait. [hands him a box]
DEAN: What's this?
RORY: Your gloves.
DEAN: I thought you were kidding.
LORELAI: No no. Ladies never kid.
DEAN: Bye. [leaves]
LORELAI: Bye.
RORY: I think I'm going to bed too.
LORELAI: Do you need help?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Wrong! The correct answer is yes. Ladies need help with everything.
RORY: Goodnight.
LORELAI: [sighs]
CHRISTOPHER: Night.
RORY: Night.
LORELAI: I don't know about that girl. I don't know how she's ever gonna make it in society. At this rate, she's gonna actually get a job and only marry once.
CHRISTOPHER: You calling your mom again?
LORELAI: I don't get it. For the last week, every five minutes she's calling me checking on shoe fittings and curtsy progress, and have I talked Rory into putting her hair up yet, and then tonight, nothing.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, I'm sure they had a lot of getting ready to do for themselves tonight.
LORELAI: She's been acting so weird lately. They're fighting. Openly fighting. I don't think they've ever done that before. I'm not sure what to do about it.
CHRISTOPHER: Move to California. That's what I do when my parents fight.
LORELAI: You know, my father doesn't even want to go tomorrow. His perfect angle granddaughter is being presented to society in front of all his friends and colleagues, something he never got to do with his bad, loser, evil daughter.
CHRISTOPHER: Maybe you should talk to them. I'm sorry, was that me that said that? I must've had an aneurysm.
LORELAI: Well, nothing more I can do tonight. I'm gonna head up to bed. Do you want me to turn off the lights?
CHRISTOPHER: Actually, I have to stay up and do a little work tonight.
[Lorelai laughs]
LORELAI: I'm sorry. I keep forgetting that's not a joke anymore.
CHRISTOPHER: Goodnight.
CUT TO BALLROOM
[Lorelai and Rory arrive at the ballroom.]
RORY: Wow, this place is huge. Do I have to walk down those stairs?
LORELAI: Oh, I'm afraid so. Unless you wanna make a really memorable entrance and just sliiide down the banister. Which I totally encourage, by the way.
LADY: You are
RORY: Lorelai Gilmore.
LADY: Late.
LORELAI: Sorry, my fault. Took me awhile to get pretty. Not all of us are sixteen anymore, you know what I mean? No.
LADY: You are to head up the stairs. The preparation room is on the right.
LORELAI: Look for the toxic cloud of Chanel and Final Net.
[Rory starts walking towards the stairs. She looks back at Lorelai.]
LORELAI: [mouths] Sliiide.
CUT TO PREPARATION ROOM
[Rory and the lady enter the room. Other girls are walking around getting dressed and doing their makeup.]
LADY: Hang your dress there, put your makeup on over there. You'll have to make do with a non-lighted mirror. The lighted ones went to the girls that were here before dawn. Listen up ladies, everyone must be beautiful and ready to go by 7:30.
[Rory sits down at a mirror. She talks to the girl next to her.]
RORY: I can't believe we have an hour and a half.
LIBBY: I know, I am never gonna be ready in time. God only knows if the swelling on my nose is gonna go down. I had to go and inherit my father's nose. I'm Libby.
RORY: Rory.
LIBBY: Uh, which one should I wear? I've thought about this all month, and I cannot decide.
RORY: Oh, well, that's a tough one.
LIBBY: I know. This is red red, and this is orange red. The wrong one and I will end up looking like a hooker. Or a teacher.
RORY: That's a lot of pressure.
LIBBY: The two minutes you are standing on those stairs tonight will determine the social status for the rest of your life.
RORY: Wow, what if you trip? I mean, not that you would. You wouldn't. I might. Probably will actually. Could be a real Cirque du Soleil kind of night.
LIBBY: You should not even joke about stuff like that. Ow. There's a head under there, you know.
CUT TO BALLROOM
[The bartender hands Lorelai a drink.]
LORELAI: You are a wonderful, wonderful man. I have a feeling we're going to be very close tonight. [sees Emily] Hmm. Mom, you're here.
EMILY: Where should I be, Spain?
LORELAI: Oh. I tried calling you all night last night.
EMILY: I was very busy.
LORELAI: And then we got here before you.
EMILY: What is your point, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Nothing. It's just weird.
EMILY: Well, I'm here now, so it's not weird anymore. Look at these flowers. Baby's breath. What is this, County General?
LORELAI: You look very nice Mom. I like your dress.
EMILY: Cotton tablecloths, folding chairs. It's not supposed to be like this. In my day, people sat in real chairs.
LORELAI: Mom, what's the matter?
EMILY: I wanted my granddaughter to be presented to society in a beautiful elegant ballroom, not a Shakey's.
LORELAI: The room is beautiful Mom. You're being too critical.
EMILY: There's Nan. I'm going to have a little talk with her about the proper height for a taper.
LORELAI: Mom.
CUT TO PREPARATION ROOM
[Rory is sitting down reading when Libby walks over to her holding a flask.]
LIBBY: Midori sour?
RORY: Oh, no thanks.
LIBBY: More for me. At my last coming out, I shared with this girl who couldn't handle her booze. Neon green puke all over her white dress.
RORY: Your last coming out?
LIBBY: Oh, this is my fifth one this year.
RORY: Wow.
LIBBY: You know, they say four out of five debs marry their escorts.
RORY: Kind of like the dentists with Trident.
LIBBY: Well I figure, five coming out balls, five escorts, one of them has to stick, right?
RORY: Good logic.
LIBBY: So, is your escort the one?
RORY: The one what?
LIBBY: The one you're gonna marry.
RORY: Oh, well
LIBBY: Is he cute?
RORY: Yes, he is very cute but
LIBBY: Where are you guys planning to live when you get married?
RORY: Okay, hold on a second.
[Another girl walks over]
LIBBY: Katie, hi. Too bad about your face.
KATIE: Is it horrible?
LIBBY: No, you can hardly tell. Just walk sideways.
CUT TO BALLROOM
[Lorelai is standing with some women.]
LADY 1: These things will be the death of me.
LADY 2: Oh I know. And we've had no time to prep. Janet just got out of Rainbow Hills two days ago.
LORELAI: Rehab?
LADY 1: Fat farm.
LORELAI: Ah.
[Christopher walks up to Lorelai]
CHRISTOPHER: Hi, sorry to interrupt. Could you come with me? My cumberbun and I aren't seeing eye to eye.
LORELAI: Men, totally helpless. Excuse me.
[They walk away from the women]
LORELAI: You saved me. I love you. I wanna have your baby. Oops, too late.
CHRISTOPHER: I saw the look. Same one you had that time you ended up on homecoming court.
LORELAI: Ugh, someone's idea of a sick, sick joke. Hey, by the way, Neil Young's got nothing on you.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah.
[Emily walks over to them]
EMILY: Lorelai, have you seen your father?
LORELAI: Uh, no.
EMILY: He promised me he'd be here by now.
LORELAI: Wait, you didn't come together?
EMILY: I swear, if he misses this
LORELAI: Well, Mom, did you call him?
EMILY: Yes I called him. Of course I called him. I wouldn't go this long without calling him.
CHRISTOPHER: Emily, he's here.
EMILY: Where? [he points to him] Oh. [walks to Richard] Richard, where have you been?
RICHARD: Where have I been?
EMILY: Yes, where have you been?
RICHARD: I'm here, aren't I?
LORELAI: I can't look. Did she b*at him with the baby's breath?
CHRISTOPHER: No, they're just energetically practicing their sign language.
LORELAI: Oh God.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, I think this is a really good time for a martini. Hello. Thirsty people here. [Lorelai goes behind the bar] Ah, what are you doing?
LORELAI: Steve won't mind.
CHRISTOPHER: Little tip. Never a good idea to let people know you're on a first name basis with the bartender. Wow, this is really something.
LORELAI: What?
CHRISTOPHER: You and I together at a debutante ball.
LORELAI: Huh, yeah.
CHRISTOPHER: Just like it would've been sixteen years ago.
LORELAI: Fancy dress.
CHRISTOPHER: Sneaking booze.
LORELAI: Parents acting crazy.
CHRISTOPHER: You look great.
LORELAI: I'm so glad you're here.
CHRISTOPHER: So am I.
ANNOUNCER: All fathers please report to the debutante staging area upstairs. Fathers to the staging area.
CHRISTOPHER: Showtime. You gonna be all right?
LORELAI: Absolutely.
CHRISTOPHER: I'll see you later.
LORELAI: Curtsy pretty.
CUT TO STAGING AREA
[Rory's waiting in line. Dean walks up to her.]
DEAN: Hey. I just wanted to see you before you became a proper lady of society.
RORY: So what do you think?
DEAN: I think you look like a cotton ball.
RORY: Why, thank you Jeeves.
DEAN: But a really cute cotton ball.
[Libby walks up to Rory.]
LIBBY: Oh my God, is this your escort?
RORY: Yeah, it is.
LIBBY: You are totally getting married. [walks away]
DEAN: What did she say?
RORY: Oh, well...[sees Christopher] Dad, great, let's go.
DEAN: I'll, uh, I'll meet you downstairs. Good luck. [leaves]
RORY: Okay.
CHRISTOPHER: Last chance to shimmy down the drainpipe.
RORY: Do me a favor?
CHRISTOPHER: Anything.
RORY: Just don't let me fall.
CHRISTOPHER: Right back at ya.
CUT TO BALLROOM [The ball begins as a lady addresses the audience from a podium on the staircase. Lorelai sits at a table; Emily and Richard stand near the bar.]
LADY AT PODIUM: Good evening. On behalf of the Daughters of the American Revolution, I would like to welcome you to our annual debutante ball. Oh this brings back so many memories. I myself came out in this very hall in nineteen
well, let's just say, a number of years ago. Now the word debutante comes from the French word debuter, which means to lead off. . .[fades into background]
EMILY: Just come sit down.
RICHARD: I am going to finish my drink.
EMILY: You won't be happy until you've spoiled this entire evening, will you?
LORELAI: Um, guys, hi, there's a lady up there with a rock the size of Neptune around her neck talking about the debutantes of ancient Greece. It's a lot easier to fall asleep if you're sitting down, trust me.
RICHARD: I will sit down when I'm ready to sit down.
EMILY: Richard, lower your voice.
RICHARD: No, I will not lower my voice. I paid a fortune to be here, and I will speak just as loudly as I like.
EMILY: You're embarrassing us. You're embarrassing Rory.
RICHARD: Embarrassing Rory? This wasn't Rory's idea. This was your idea. This whole ridiculous evening was your idea, Emily.
EMILY: You don't want your granddaughter presented to society?
RICHARD: To hell with society. [people look at him] Yes, I'm talking about you!
LORELAI: Come on, that's it.
[Lorelai leads them into another room]
LORELAI: Are you two completely out of your mind? There is a ceremony going on in there. Young girls in ugly dresses and stupid fans are parading around in circles for God knows what reason, and you two are ruining it.
RICHARD: I didn't want to come here. You knew I didn't want to come here.
EMILY: Well, that's too bad. We have a social responsibility Richard.
RICHARD: I am so tired of hearing you say that.
EMILY: People expect us to be certain places and do certain things and we can't just withdraw from all of that.
RICHARD: Do you know what I'm going through at work?
EMILY: Your whole life isn't that damn company, Richard.
RICHARD: I have told you what I'm going through, but somehow, you just don't seem to hear it. You don't listen to me. You don't listen to anybody.
EMILY: That is not true.
RICHARD: It is true. Isn't it true? Has she ever listened to a word you've said?
LORELAI: Oh, well, hey, people listen in different ways, right? I mean, some people listen with their ears, and some people listen with not their ears, but that doesn't mean some actual listening hasn't happened in some form.
EMILY: I have listened to you Richard. I know exactly what is going on with you.
RICHARD: Really, what?
EMILY: You lost an account.
LORELAI: What?
RICHARD: No, I didn't lose an account. I was taken off an account. I was taken off an account that I personally brought into this company ten years ago.
EMILY: There are other accounts, Richard.
RICHARD: I have been in charge of that account for ten years!
EMILY: How can you be so angry? Yes, they took you off that account, but they also gave you a promotion.
RICHARD: Oh, Emily.
EMILY: You said they moved you upstairs to a larger office and gave you a new title and a better parking space.
RICHARD: Emily, dammit, I am being phased out.
EMILY: You are not.
RICHARD: What do you mean I'm not? I know whether I'm being phased out. I invented phased out for this company. Don't you think I did the exact same thing to Alan Parker?
EMILY: Alan Parker retired.
RICHARD: Alan Parker was phased out. I now have his office, I now have his parking space. Do you know what happens from here? I lose more accounts, slowly but surely. They will put a younger man on them with me to be trained by the best. And then, one day they'll call and ask me to let that young man take a meeting without me, just to see how fast he's learning, and then suddenly that young man is given that account. And this happens again and again and again until I'm nothing, but a symbolic figurehead that they roll out for banquets and group pictures. And then one day, Emily, I will be asked to leave.
EMILY: Well, so what?
RICHARD: Excuse me.
LORELAI: Dad, I don't think Mom meant exactly
EMILY: So what if that's true?
LORELAI: Or maybe she did.
EMILY: There are other options.
RICHARD: I don't want other options. I want to get up every morning and put on my suit, and go to my office, and do my work, like I've done everyday for the past thirty years. That's what I want to do. That's the only thing I want to do.
[Rory leans into the hallway.]
RORY: Um, excuse me, hi, sorry to interrupt, but I'm next.
[They walk back into the ballroom]
LADY AT PODIUM: Elizabeth Dotie, daughter of George Edward Dotie the fourth, and Elenor Dotie. [pause] Lorelai Gilmore, daughter of Christopher Hayden and Lorelai Gilmore.
[Christopher and Rory walk down the stairs as Dean waits at the bottom. Christopher kisses Rory's hand, Rory curtsies, Christopher walks away, Dean walks Rory down the aisle.]
EMILY: That should've been you up there. Nothing's turning out the way it was supposed to. [walks away]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Later that night, Lorelai, Christopher, Rory, and Dean walk down the sidewalk.]
RORY: So did you know that you're considered a hot Dad?
LORELAI: Hah!
CHRISTOPHER: Really?
RORY: Libby said that it's too bad you're my real Dad because if you were my stepdad, I could steal you away from mom.
LORELAI: Ugh.
CHRISTOPHER: That Libby's got a good life ahead of her.
LORELAI: Well, I was very proud of all of you. You made it through the entire ceremony with a completely straight face. Almost all of you.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry, but that fan dance was more than I could take.
LORELAI: Hey, I need a burger.
RORY: Me too. Dean?
DEAN: Honestly, the only thing I can think of is taking off this tux.
LORELAI: Hey, watch it, you're talking to a lady now.
DEAN: Well, how about if I do it at home?
LORELAI: Better.
RORY: Thanks again for going with me.
DEAN: Tomorrow you start paying. Bye. [leaves]
LORELAI: Bye. And then there were three.
CHRISTOPHER: Actually, I have to get back to Boston first thing in the morning so I'm gonna call it a night too.
RORY: What? Not even time for fries?
CHRISTOPHER: I'll tell you what. I'll get up a little early and have coffee with you before I go. Deal?
RORY: Deal.
LORELAI: Honey, go ahead and order for us. I'll be there in a sec.
RORY: Okay. [leaves]
LORELAI: I just wanted to tell you how amazing you were tonight. Really, you completely came through for her.
CHRISTOPHER: She deserves it.
LORELAI: I haven't always given you a lot of credit in the past, but I'm giving you credit now. Big credit. Major credit. Buy yourself a sofa.
CHRISTOPHER: Thanks. I will.
LORELAI: You know, um, I happened to be looking through some old maps this afternoon and I couldn't help but notice that Boston is not that far away.
CHRISTOPHER: Aw, you needed a map to tell you that?
LORELAI: I also noticed that that, um, I-84 is a very good road. Solid, paved.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh huh.
LORELAI: And I put this information in my pretty little head, I was thinking, if you wanted to maybe drop by occasionally, it wouldn't be too difficult.
CHRISTOPHER: You realize I'll be driving the Volvo?
LORELAI: Actually, I'm coming around to the Vovlo.
CHRISTOPHER: Really?
LORELAI: Yes. I think it's sort of a Catholic schoolgirl thing, you know? It's conservative on the outside, bad on the inside.
CHRISTOPHER: I like that image.
LORELAI: I've also heard the I-84 can get jammed on the weekends.
CHRISTOPHER: It can.
LORELAI: So if you wanted to stay a little longer, just to avoid the traffic, it might be a good idea. I mean, Rory would definitely love it, and I wouldn't mind either. CHRISTOPHER: That is a tempting offer, but I really have to get back.
LORELAI: To work?
CHRISTOPHER: To work
and to someone.
LORELAI: Oh.
CHRISTOPHER: I know I should've told you.
LORELAI: Oh no, that's fine. That's totally your business.
CHRISTOPHER: No, I meant to, but
Lor, it's just that you and I are so connected and...
LORELAI: Chris, please, I get it. I think it's really great, I really do.
CHRISTOPHER: Thank you.
LORELAI: So who is it? Ooh, let me guess. Linda from marketing got to you, didn't she?
CHRISTOPHER: Her name is Sherri.
LORELAI: Sherri from marketing?
CHRISTOPHER: Sherri from Boston.
LORELAI: Ah, hence the move.
CHRISTOPHER: Yes.
LORELAI: Is it serious?
CHRISTOPHER: It's getting there.
LORELAI: Seeing you in just a bowtie serious?
CHRISTOPHER: We're living together.
LORELAI: Wow, you really have changed.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, well, Sherri made it pretty clear that I was gonna lose her if I didn't start getting it together, so...
LORELAI: Yeah, well if you find a girl who's good with dating a square in a Volvo, you do what it takes to keep her.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, uh, so I'll. . .I'll see you back home.
LORELAI: Yes you will.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Rory is about to bite into her burger as Lorelai walks in.]
LORELAI: [gasps] Hey!
RORY: What?
LORELAI: After all you've been through tonight and I come in here and find you eating like that.
[Rory raises her pinkie]
LORELAI: There you go.
RORY: Being a lady is hard.
LORELAI: So tonight, what's the consensus?
RORY: The fan dance was humiliating, I'm never doing a curtsy again, but having Dad around was great.
LORELAI: Yeah, it was.
RORY: He's got a new girlfriend, you know.
LORELAI: Sherri.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Poor girl's named after a Journey song, that's gotta be rough.
RORY: He seems happy.
LORELAI: He does. He really does.
RORY: I'm glad.
LORELAI: Me too.
RORY: I feel kind of bad for Grandma though. She was so into this night and then she ended up being so miserable.
LORELAI: Don't worry. She'll have more fun at the next one.
RORY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Yes, we have you signed up for the next six balls.
RORY: Not funny.
LORELAI: Hey, you're doing this until you bring home a prize.
RORY: Ignoring you now.
[Luke brings Lorelai her burger.]
LUKE: So, back from the ball huh?
LORELAI: Yes, I left behind a glass slipper and a business card in case the prince is really dumb.
LUKE: Good and desperate thinking.
LORELAI: Thank you. Hmm, Luke.
LUKE: What?
[Lorelai nods towards Jess, who is wiping down the counter dressed like Luke, complete with flannel shirt and backwards baseball cap. Luke walks over to him.]
LUKE: What do you think you're doing?
JESS: Working.
LUKE: So you think this is funny, huh?
JESS: I'm sorry. I thought this was the uniform.
LUKE: Okay, you know what, that's fine. Have your little joke, you know. It doesn't bother me at all. You just go over there and clean off that table, okay? I'm ignoring you. You do not exist.
JESS: Okay.
LUKE: That's it, get upstairs and change.
JESS: Whatever you say Uncle Luke.
LUKE: It's Luke, just Luke. Mister Luke. In fact, don't address me at all.
LORELAI: You know, I'm really lucky.
RORY: Yeah, why?
LORELAI: I have someone to complain to when life sucks or work sucks or just everything sucks. I have someone I can talk to.
RORY: Yeah, who?
LORELAI: Oh Shecky, you k*ll me. It just must be really lonely not to have that.
RORY: Are you thinking about Grandma?
LORELAI: I'm just. . .thinking.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily is gardening on the back patio as Lorelai walks out the back door.]
LORELAI: Hey Mom.
EMILY: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: Oh, nothing much. I had a little time before my business class and I thought, 'Hey, why don't I just go over to Mom's house and just hang.'
EMILY: Just what?
LORELAI: Just hang, you know. Hang out. Talk, don't talk, whatever. Just hang.
EMILY: Oh.
LORELAI: So you're gardening, huh?
EMILY: Yes.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, don't let me stop you. I'll just sit here and just hang.
EMILY: Are you sure you don't need something?
LORELAI: Nope. I'm just here to hang.
EMILY: Hang. Well.
LORELAI: You know Mom, if there's ever anything you want to talk about with me, you can.
EMILY: All right.
LORELAI: Okay. So
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x06 - Presenting Lorelai Gilmore"} | foreverdreaming |
2.07 - Like Mother, Like Daughter
written by Joan Binder Weiss
directed by Dennis Erdman
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory walk in and sit at a table.]
LORELAI: Wow, busy today. Has Luke been advertising or something?
RORY: He gets good word-of-mouth.
LORELAI: Well, we have to start spreading bad word-of-mouth so we can always have a table.
RORY: Well, that would be wrong, but sure. Vermin?
LORELAI: Or no potable water.
RORY: Or no potable vermin.
LORELAI: That would scare them away.
RORY: Or confuse them away.
[Lorelai sees Luke talking with one of the customers.]
LORELAI: It's so weird to see him talking like that.
RORY: Like what?
LORELAI: Just all friendly. He's usually only good for a quick couple of gruff monosyllables, and then he's off.
RORY: He is the master of the monosyllable.
LORELAI: He never flirts with any of the women, do you notice that?
RORY: He's flirted with you numerous times.
LORELAI: Don't start.
RORY: Hey, flirt with him now, we need coffee.
LORELAI: Oh Luke, we're just dying for some refreshments.
LUKE: Keep your pants on.
LORELAI: Hmm. He can turn it off and turn it on so fast.
RORY: Hey, I found a CD under the front seat of our car. Did you lose one?
LORELAI: Not that I know of, but I'm kind of sloppy with them.
RORY: So, you didn't hide it?
LORELAI: Why would I hide a CD?
RORY: I don't know. Bay City Rollers?
LORELAI: It's not a Bay City Rollers CD.
RORY: How do you know?
LORELAI: Because I know what's not hidden under that seat.
RORY: Ha! Because you know that Barry Manilow is under that seat.
LORELAI: Ugh.
LUKE: Where's Barry Manilow?
RORY: Under Mom's seat.
LORELAI: All right, I confess, I was hiding Barry Manilow.
RORY: You confess!
LORELAI: But he was very big when I was very small and it's the live version where he does a medley of all the commercial jingles he's written.
RORY: Don't worry. Everyone's allowed a guilty pleasure now and again.
LORELAI: Hm, very diplomatic from the girl who had the Bryan Adams poster above her bed for two years.
RORY: Fink.
LORELAI: Do you have a guilty pleasure Luke?
LUKE: Nah.
LORELAI: Are you into music?
LUKE: Sure.
LORELAI: Monosyllabic man strikes again.
RORY: We'll have two muffins please.
LUKE: You got it. [walks away]
LORELAI: Do you think he's dated anyone since Rachel?
RORY: I don't know. Where would he meet anyone? He's either here or in his apartment.
LORELAI: Maybe he has a secret life. Maybe he's got a little chippy stowed away in Mount Pilot.
RORY: Well, we'll know eventually.
LORELAI: I say he's a bachelor for life.
RORY: I say there's someone for everyone. [starts laughing]
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Uhh, Barry Manilow.
LORELAI: Ugh, stop.
RORY: [sings] Looks like we made it
LORELAI: Oh yeah? Spice Girls.
RORY: Duran Duran.
LORELAI: Dido.
RORY: Olivia Newton John.
LORELAI: The Macarena. You and Lane for hours and hours, for weeks on end.
RORY: Hey, we were mocking. You can't mock the mocking.
LORELAI: All right. It's getting ugly. Let's stop.
RORY: Let's be friends again.
LORELAI: All right.
RORY: [giggles]
LORELAI: Stop it.
[opening credits]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is in the kitchen, Lorelai walks in.]
LORELAI: Agh.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: The car won't start.
RORY: What happened?
LORELAI: I don't know. It's just d*ad. I turned the key and it makes a horrible sound.
RORY: What kind of sound?
LORELAI: Like rrrar, rrrar, rrrar. You know, but less feminine.
RORY: That's the battery.
LORELAI: Well, what did I ever do to make the battery mad?
RORY: Let's see. You've kept the radio on all night, k*lling the battery. You've kept the lights on all night, k*lling the battery. You've kept the door open, which keeps the ceiling light on, all night, k*lling the battery.
LORELAI: Okay, well then I've done multiple things to make the battery mad.
RORY: You gonna walk?
LORELAI: I'm wearing heels.
RORY: Change your shoes.
LORELAI: I'd have to change my outfit.
RORY: Change your outfit.
LORELAI: I'd have to walk upstairs.
RORY: Suddenly I'm living with Zsa Zsa Gabor.
LORELAI: I'm gonna call Michel.
RORY: This thing is too small.
MICHEL: Independence Inn.
LORELAI: Hold on Michel. That backpack is not too small.
RORY: It's miniscule.
LORELAI: Just take your schoolbooks and leave some of the other books.
RORY: I need all of my other books.
LORELAI: You don't need all of these.
RORY: I think I do.
LORELAI: Edna St. Vincent Milay?
RORY: That's my bus book.
LORELAI: Uh huh. What's the Faulkner?
RORY: My other bus book.
LORELAI: So just take one bus book.
RORY: No, the Milay is a biography, and sometimes if I'm on the bus and I pull out a biography and I think to myself, 'Well, I don't really feel like reading about a person's life right now' then I'll switch to the novel, and then sometimes if I'm not into the novel, I'll switch back.
LORELAI: Hmm. Still there Michel?
RORY: Yes, I. . .
LORELAI: Hold on. What is the Gore Vidal?
RORY: Oh, that's my lunch book.
LORELAI: Uh huh. So lose the Vidal or the Faulkner. You don't need two novels.
RORY: Vidal's essays.
LORELAI: Uh huh. But the Eudora Welty's not essays or a biography.
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: So it's another novel, lose it!
RORY: Unh uh. It's short stories.
LORELAI: Ugh. This is a sickness. Michel.
RORY: I am growing very old.
LORELAI: Come pick me up?
MICHEL: I am already here.
LORELAI: Put Carol on the desk and come pick me up.
MICHEL: I am not speaking to Carol. She ate my low-fat cheese.
LORELAI: Michel, come pick me up and I will buy you some cheese.
MICHEL: Low-fat cheese.
LORELAI: Low-fat cheese.
MICHEL: Low-fat American cheese.
LORELAI: Low-fat American cheese.
MICHEL: And a meringue cookie.
LORELAI: Just get over here.
MICHEL: Fine.
RORY: Ha! I made it all fit. Edna, Bill, Gore and Eudora, all safe and sound.
LORELAI: Cool. That's your French book.
RORY: Hmm? Oh, I know. I'm carrying my French book.
LORELAI: Mm hmm. You so thought that French book was already in there.
RORY: I did not.
LORELAI: You have a problem.
RORY: No I don't.
LORELAI: You're gonna tip over from the weight of that backpack.
RORY: No I'm not.
LORELAI: I'm gonna have to buy you a forklift. Bye.
CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA
[Rory walks in carrying her lunch tray. She sits down at a table, puts on her walkman, and starts reading a book. A woman suddenly taps her on the shoulder.]
MRS. VERDINAS: I startled you. I didn't mean to.
RORY: That's okay. I'm easily startled.
MRS. VERDINAS: I'm Mrs. Verdinas, the guidance counselor. Your name's Rory, isn't it? Rory Gilmore?
RORY: Yes. Hello.
MRS. VERDINAS: Hello. I'd love to sit and talk to you. Can we do that?
RORY: Sure. Anytime.
MRS. VERDINAS: How about after you finish your lunch?
RORY: Oh, that soon?
MRS. VERDINAS: I think soon would be good.
RORY: Okay, what's this about?
MRS. VERDINAS: We'll talk about it then.
RORY: Not even a hint?
MRS. VERDINAS: See you in a little bit.
RORY: Right. Right.
CUT TO MRS. VERDINAS' OFFICE
[Mrs. Verdinas is sitting at her desk; Rory knocks at the door.]
MRS. VERDINAS: Come in. Hello Rory, have a seat.
RORY: Thank you.
MRS. VERDINAS: So don't worry about being late for your next class. I'll write you a note if you are.
RORY: Okay.
MRS. VERDINAS: I know from your record you're a stickler for punctuality.
RORY: I am a stickler, yes. I only slipped one time last year. I h*t a deer. Actually, he h*t me. Or she did. Or not me, my car. But, um, then he or she ran away, and I think it turned out okay. I didn't see it again, so I can't definitively say but I did look for him or her. It's a big story for me, I'm surprised I don't tell it better.
MRS. VERDINAS: Why don't we get to the reason I asked you here?
RORY: Okay.
MRS. VERDINAS: Headmaster Charleston brought you to my attention a few weeks ago. He's worried, and after observing you a bit, I'm worried too.
RORY: You've been observing me?
MRS. VERDINAS: We've been concerned about your social behavior here at school.
RORY: What about it?
MRS. VERDINAS: You don't seem to interact much with the other students.
RORY: I do sometimes. In class, all the time.
MRS. VERDINAS: But rarely outside of class. At lunch, you're always by yourself.
RORY: That's when I catch up on my reading.
MRS. VERDINAS: And that walkman, it makes you very unapproachable.
RORY: You approached me.
MRS. VERDINAS: And you almost jumped out of your skin. What does that tell you?
RORY: That I'm jumpy. On the Fourth of July, forget it, I'm a wreck. And when the Stars Hollow orchestra begins to play in the gazebo, the guy banging the cymbals, I'm. . .it drives me nuts.
MRS. VERDINAS: Denying a problem doesn't solve a problem, Rory. Unless something changes, this could affect your future.
RORY: But I don't understand. I get good grades, isn't that enough?
MRS. VERDINAS: You know, it's not. Rory, when we make recommendations to universities on behalf of a student, that student's social skills are a big part of it. Now, I assume you want to go to a university?
RORY: Absolutely.
MRS. VERDINAS: Well, universities do not look kindly on loners.
RORY: But I'm not a loner.
MRS. VERDINAS: Really? Well, what do you think a loner is?
RORY: Loners are those guys that you see walking around wearing, I don't know, out of date clothing, bell bottoms, and they tend to carry a duffel bag with God knows what inside. That's a loner.
MRS. VERDINAS: Loners come in all different shapes and sizes, even pretty girls. Just try to improve Rory. Mix it up with others. You may even enjoy it. Start with lunch.
RORY: I don't suppose there's a lunchtime reading/walkman-listening club I can join, is there? I guess that's no.
CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD
[Lorelai and Rory sit on the porch as Kirk fixes Lorelai's Jeep.]
LORELAI: So what does she expect you to do?
RORY: She said mix it up.
LORELAI: Mix it up, what does that mean?
RORY: I guess that means going up to strange kids at school and saying, 'Hey, mind if I awkwardly butt in where I don't belong and don't want to be?'
LORELAI: The whole thing's ridiculous. Chilton is a cult.
KIRK: Lorelai, do you know what this is? [holds up a bundle of wires]
LORELAI: Um, no.
KIRK: Damn.
RORY: I don't know. Maybe there is something wrong with me.
LORELAI: Oh, don't say that.
RORY: Maybe I am a loner. I mean, you were mocking my backpack today. I might just be one step away from carrying a mysterious duffel bag.
LORELAI: Oh no, no you don't. Don't you go doubting who you are or how you should be. How dare that woman do this to you!
RORY: It wasn't just her. The whole meeting was Charleston's suggestion.
LORELAI: Well, good. It's time I called on old Schnickelfritz Charleston to tell him to stop messing with my kid's mind.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: No, I'm sorry. I don't like this. Schools like Chilton try to stamp out every vestige of individuality and I'm not gonna let that happen.
KIRK: It's all fixed. I found a loose terminal. I reconnected the battery and jumped it, so it's set to go.
LORELAI: Oh, thanks Kirk.
KIRK: And I'm not gonna charge you for the time I spent stuck underneath the car.
LORELAI: That's great Kirk.
KIRK: And I just want you to know that I overheard, and you're absolutely right. I carried a duffel bag and ate lunch by myself my entire school career, and I turned out just fine. [leaves]
LORELAI: I'm still going down there.
CUT TO CHILTON
[The secretary walks Lorelai into the Headmaster's office.]
SECRETARY: Ms. Gilmore is here. [leaves]
LORELAI: Hello Mr. Charleston.
HEADMASTER: Ms. Gilmore, so good to see you.
LORELAI: It's good to be here.
HEADMASTER: You know, I checked my records to remind myself why I asked you in only to discover that you had actually called for this meeting.
LORELAI: Yes I did.
HEADMASTER: I'm surprised. We don't see you often. We'd forgotten what you'd looked like.
LORELAI: Well, I'm pretty much the same. Rosy cheeks, strong of bone, sly of wit.
HEADMASTER: How nice. So why did you want to see me?
LORELAI: Well, I wanted to talk to you about Rory and uh, this ridiculous accusation about her being a loner and how that's somehow something bad.
HEADMASTER: Well, it is bad.
LORELAI: No, it's not bad, it's just her. I raised Rory to do what she wants as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. And I don't see how her reading a book or listening to a walkman is hurting anyone.
HEADMASTER: It's hurting her.
LORELAI: I respectfully disagree.
HEADMASTER: That doesn't surprise me, based on my research.
LORELAI: What research?
HEADMASTER: When I saw your name on the appointment list, I decided to have a look at the file.
LORELAI: Ah yes, Rory's file's been of a lot of interest to you guys lately, hasn't it?
HEADMASTER: I wasn't talking about Rory's file. I was talking about yours.
LORELAI: I have a file?
HEADMASTER: You most certainly do.
LORELAI: It's tiny.
HEADMASTER: It's very thin.
LORELAI: Well that's good, right? It means I haven't gotten into a lot of trouble.
HEADMASTER: On the contrary, a thin file for a parent indicates lack of participation.
LORELAI: Oh, now wait a minute. I've participated in stuff.
HEADMASTER: You attended the bake sale.
LORELAI: And I sold stuff.
HEADMASTER: Then promptly left.
LORELAI: I was busy.
HEADMASTER: Without fraternizing with the other Chilton parents at all.
LORELAI: Busy, busy, busy like a really tall bee.
HEADMASTER: Like mother, like daughter.
LORELAI: Okay, hold on.
HEADMASTER: Ms. Gilmore, active participation in Chilton activities for a parent is vitally important.
LORELAI: But
HEADMASTER: This is a list of organizations sponsored by Chilton. Parent groups dedicated to certain specific tasks.
LORELAI: Uh, my
HEADMASTER: Any one of them would be honored by your participation.
LORELAI: Okay, my schedule is
HEADMASTER: We're all tremendously busy, Ms. Gilmore. I hope you're not too busy to do what's best for you or what's best for Rory, are you?
LORELAI: No.
HEADMASTER: Excellent. Let us know what it will be.
LORELAI: I will. [stands up to leave] Oh, may I go?
HEADMASTER: Yes, you may.
LORELAI: Okay.
HEADMASTER: I'm glad you came in today. It was a good idea.
LORELAI: Yes. I'm just full of good ideas.
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Lorelai sits at the table going through papers as Rory comes home.]
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Yeah, look Fat Albert. Get me a soda, will you?
RORY: Mom, what are you doing here? You were supposed to meet me in my Latin class after meeting with Headmaster Charleston.
LORELAI: Oh my God. I was. I totally forgot. Ugh, I'm so sorry.
RORY: Mom, come on, what happened. Did you talk to him?
LORELAI: I did. I told him that he was completely out of line with this treatment of you, that you are not a loner freak, you have plenty of friends, and you don't own a long black leather Matrix coat, and they should fall down on their kneesocks everyday that you deign to show up at that loser school.
RORY: And?
LORELAI: And then he yelled at me.
RORY: He what?
LORELAI: He pulled out a file and told me I was a bad Chilton mom.
RORY: He did not.
LORELAI: And that I don't participate in school activities.
RORY: Well, you work.
LORELAI: And I don't make posters.
RORY: You have no artistic capabilities.
LORELAI: And I don't chaperone school dances.
RORY: Does he know that you got pregnant at sixteen?
LORELAI: Basically I'm not doing my part to help further your educational future.
RORY: So we both got busted.
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: Great.
LORELAI: Now I have to pick a group or a cause or sponsor a club or something.
RORY: This sucks.
LORELAI: But hey, I've been thinking. I mean, the whole reason we did this Chilton thing is for you to get into Harvard, right?
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: And these fanatics that run your school, they're the ones that write the letters to the fancy colleges saying things like, 'Hey she's keen, look at her' or 'Have you seen the L tattooed on her forehead, 'cause it sure is a big one.'
RORY: So you're saying we should just go along with this?
LORELAI: Yeah, go along with it. Talk to some kids, I'll hang out with their moms, and we'll get into Harvard, take over the world, then buy Chilton and turn it into a rave club. What do you say, deal?
RORY: Deal.
LORELAI: Oh, look, the Chilton Cheer Society wear matching hats. Eh? Go Harvard.
CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA
[Rory walks in with her tray and is about to sit down at a table by herself, but then walks over to another table.]
RORY: Hey.
FRANCIE: Hey.
RORY: There's a bad draft over there where I usually sit. It's kind of like a big downward gust. It's not exactly 'Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore', but it's still pretty darn uncomfortable, especially when you're just gotten your hair to behave. So can I sit here?
FRANCIE: Uhh, yeah.
RORY: Thanks. [sits down] Nice table. It's much more level than the one over there.
FRANCIE: Your name is Lori.
RORY: Rory.
FRANCIE: Right, Rory.
RORY: What's yours?
IVY: Francie.
RORY: You're Francie?
IVY: No, she's Francie, I'm Ivy.
RORY: Francie's spokesman.
FRANCIE: Well, I am a very important person, and everyone knows very important people never speak for themselves.
RORY: I did not know that, but I do now.
FRANCIE: That's Dijur, Lily, Seline, Lana, Asia, Anna, and Lem.
RORY: Lem.
LEM: Short for Lemon.
RORY: Oh sure.
FRANCIE: We were just discussing homecoming. Thoughts?
RORY: Great movie. Oh wait, that was Coming Home. Sorry.
FRANCIE: I truly believe the whole homecoming dance ritual's be put to sleep.
IVY: Or at least assigned a new color scheme.
[Paris walks by with her lunch tray, walks back to stare at Rory for a moment, then walks away.]
FRANCIE: Hmm. Rory, huh? Do they call you Ror?
RORY: Not unless provoked.
IVY: No nickname?
RORY: Actually, Rory is a nickname. My full name is Lorelai.
LEM: Lorelai. That's a weird name.
RORY: Well, Lem, what can I say?
FRANCIE: Sounds southern. Are you a belle?
[bell rings]
RORY: Uh, no, but apparently I command them.
FRANCIE: Well, see you later your highness.
CUT TO HALLWAY
[Rory walks out of the cafeteria and runs into Paris.]
RORY: God! You're like a pop up book from hell.
PARIS: You were sitting with the Puffs. How did you do it?
RORY: The who?
PARIS: The Puffs, the Chilton Puffs. You were at their table and I wanna know how.
RORY: I don't know, I just sat down.
PARIS: Nobody just sits down with them, you have to be invited.
RORY: Paris, it's not the cosa nostra.
PARIS: No, they're the Puffs, the most influential sorority at Chilton.
RORY: Chilton has sororities?
PARIS: Only ten worth mentioning, and the Puffs, they have been number one for at least the last fifty years. My mother was a Puff, my aunt was a Puff.
RORY: I thought only colleges had sororities.
PARIS: And the connection you make with the Puffs, they last the rest of your life. My cousin Maddie got her internship at the Supreme Court because of Sandra Day O'Connor.
RORY: Sandra Day O'Connor was a Puff?
PARIS: Yes. She was puffed in 1946, became the president in '47, and in '48 she actually moved the group to the very table you sat at today.
RORY: God.
PARIS: It was quite a controversial move at the time, but she was just that powerful.
RORY: I had no idea.
PARIS: What did you say about me?
RORY: What?
PARIS: Did you tell them you hated me?
RORY: I didn't mention you.
PARIS: Because I have been k*lling myself trying to get invited in. I spent all of last year sucking up to Francine Jarvis.
RORY: You mean Francie?
PARIS: You call her Francie?
RORY: Oh, no, someone else did.
PARIS: I have helped her with her homework, secured her a prime spot in the parking lot, organized her locker, scrunched up the plastic strands on her pom-poms to make them fluffy. I have done everything except give her a manicure, and by God, if I had any talent with an orange stick, I would've done that too.
RORY: I know I'm not the first one to say it to you, but you're insane.
PARIS: Okay, look, I know you and me, we. . .
RORY: Shouldn't be around each other armed.
PARIS: Yes. But you have to understand. I have to get into that group, I just have to. My family's name and reputation, not to mention my entire future, all depend on me getting into that group.
RORY: It's just a clique, that's all.
PARIS: Look, all I'm asking is please don't say anything horrible about me. Don't tell them that you hate me.
RORY: Paris, come on, I'm not in their group. They don't care what I say.
PARIS: They let you sit at their table all the way through lunch, you're in.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: You know what, never mind. Do what you want, I don't care.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory get out of the car and walk to the front door.]
LORELAI: Who the hell names their kid Lemon?
RORY: Someone really into citrus.
LORELAI: Ugh, crazy crazy people.
RORY: It's just so weird that the one table I sit down at is home to the secret society.
LORELAI: I know. It's like waking up one day and realizing that everyone else in your family can pull their face off.
RORY: Yes, it's exactly like that.
[The maid opens the door]
MAID: Your mother would like you to head out to the patio. We're barbecuing tonight.
LORELAI: Thanks.
[they walk inside and head towards the patio]
RORY: Does Grandma have a barbecue?
LORELAI: I don't know. Maybe she keeps it in the secret room with the paper napkins and the mismatched sheets. Wow, she really is barbecuing.
[they walk out onto the patio, where a chef is cooking on the grill]
RORY: Hey, cool!
LORELAI: What's up, Poppin' Fresh?
RORY: Ooh, corn!
LORELAI: Nice!
[They each take a corn on the cob from the pile]
LORELAI: Thank you.
[they start eating the corn]
RORY: Mm.
LORELAI: Mmm.
[Emily walks out onto the patio]
EMILY: What is this, a refugee camp? Come inside and eat at the table.
LORELAI: Mom, the whole point of barbecuing is to eat outside.
EMILY: Animals eat outside. Human beings eat inside with napkins and utensils. If you want to eat outside, go hunt down a gazelle. Make your decision, I'll be inside. [leaves]
LORELAI: What are the odds of finding a gazelle around here?
RORY: Slim to none.
LORELAI: Okay, let's go.
CUT TO DINING ROOM
[Emily is sitting at the table as Lorelai and Rory walk in]
EMILY: I'm extremely disappointed in you Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hold on Mom. [takes off her coat, sits down at the table, puts her napkin on her lap.] Okay, go ahead.
EMILY: I had lunch with Bitty Charleston today and she told me what happened with you and the headmaster.
LORELAI: What? Geez, does that woman do nothing all day but hide under his desk with a tape recorder?
EMILY: After all we've gone through to get Rory in that school, and then you humiliate all of us by not being involved. That is just incomprehensible.
LORELAI: Hey, she wasn't involved either.
RORY: Wow, just sitting here.
EMILY: You are a grown up, you have to set an example. If she's not involved with school, then she learned it from you.
RORY: Yeah.
EMILY: How hard is it to help out just once in awhile? Join a group, attend a meeting, and all for the sake of
LORELAI: Mom, stop already, please. I have joined a group, okay?
EMILY: You have?
RORY: You have?
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY: Which one?
LORELAI: I'm gonna join the Booster Club, mmkay? The Booster Club, I'm going to boost.
EMILY: Well, the Boosters are a very fine organization.
LORELAI: That's why I picked 'em.
EMILY: They do very good work for the school.
LORELAI: All went into the picking process.
EMILY: And the matching sweatshirts they wear are just darling.
CUT TO CHILTON
[At the Booster Club Meeting, five women are sitting at a table in the cafeteria.]
AVA: Well, we're certainly not doing it like last year.
GINGER: God, was that awful!
MENA: It wasn't that bad.
AVA: Wasn't that bad? Mena, by the time we got finished paying for everybody's stomach to be pumped, there was no money left to buy the new bleachers.
MENA: But the salsa band was wonderful.
GINGER: This is giving me a migraine. I just
AUBREY: I vote we take a break.
[Lorelai walks into the room.]
LORELAI: Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
AVA: It's all right. Can we help you?
LORELAI: Uh, yes, actually. . . this isn't the Booster Club, is it?
AVA: Yes it is.
LORELAI: Oh, thank God you're not wearing the sweatshirts.
AVA: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Uh, you know what, never mind. I'm Lorelai Gilmore, sorry I'm late.
AVA: Oh please, you haven't missed a thing. So far, we've had coffee, debated Carolyn Masters' nose job
MENA: Too pug.
AUBREY: Too smushed.
GINGER: Who cares?
AVA: And we started arguing about our fall fundraiser.
AUBREY: I suggested we take a break.
AVA: I ignored the suggestion, and now here we are. You're all up to date. Have a seat.
MENA: Lorelai Gilmore. So you're Emily's daughter?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. You know my mother?
MENA: Oh, very well. We're on the philharmonic committee together. She told me to keep an eye out for you.
LORELAI: Huh, that's nice.
MENA: She wasn't sure you'd show up.
LORELAI: So, uh, fall fundrasier, what do we do?
AVA: Well, last year we had the usual luncheon with silent auction and a salsa band.
MENA: A terrific salsa band.
AVA: But every guest ended up in the hospital with food poisoning before the auction even started, and we wound up losing money.
LORELAI: Whoops.
AVA: Yes, it's quite a whoops, isn't it? Anyhow, this year we decided to do a fashion show.
LORELAI: Oh, that sounds fun.
AVA: Yes, well, Aubrey here works at Saks.
AUBREY: Uh, used to work at Saks.
AVA: Oh, sorry. Used to work at Saks, and she got several designers to donate their clothes, so now we're just trying to find a suitable caterer and location and someone to plan the event.
GINGER: Oh, it's all going very well.
MENA: I still say we approach Chateau Mimsy.
AVA: That space is too small, Mena.
AUBREY: How about something more young and fun? You know, my stepdaughter Kimberly...
AVA: Sarah.
AUBREY: Right, Sarah. Sarah. Anyhow, she told me about this new club called The Digs
[fades into background]
MENA: [whispers to Lorelai] She's been married a month and still can't remember the names of her stepchildren.
AUBREY:
so the booths are like in these pits, and then there's sand everywhere
GINGER: Stop her.
AVA: I don't think that's exactly what we're looking for.
LORELAI: Um, I run an inn.
AVA: You do?
MENA: Which one?
LORELAI: The Independence Inn, it's in Stars Hollow.
AVA: Oh, I've been there. It's lovely.
LORELAI: And we have a terrific chef who's never once hospitalized an entire function. And, well, I mean, I don't know exactly what you're looking for, but we do functions there all the time.
AVA: Who's your function coordinator?
LORELAI: I am, actually. And since it's for charity, I could get you a really good price.
AVA: I'm sorry, I forgot to ask you, are you from heaven?
LORELAI: You like the idea?
AVA: I love the idea. I love it so much, we can finally take that break Aubrey's been dying for.
[Everyone stands up and walks away. Ava walks over to Lorelai.]
AVA: Well, this is very exciting.
LORELAI: Oh.
AVA: Would you mind if I come out there tomorrow to take a look at the place? You know, make sure it's big enough for the runway.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, sure, I'll be there all day. So, a fashion show, huh? Are we gonna get any famous models?
AVA: Excuse me?
LORELAI: You know, to model the clothes. Any chance I'm finally gonna get to see Kate Moss eat something?
AVA: Oh, no no. We're the models.
LORELAI: We? Who's we?
AVA: We, the women in this room. Me, you, we.
LORELAI: Me?
AVA: Yes.
LORELAI: Oh well
AVA: By the way, welcome to the Boosters. We're thrilled to have you. [hugs Lorelai]
LORELAI: Oh, ugh, thanks. That's great.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking down the sidewalk]
RORY: Ha ha, yours is worse than mine.
LORELAI: Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.
RORY: Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now.
LORELAI: Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.
RORY: Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about Waffle? We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium?
LORELAI: [dials her cell phone] Okay, I'm crabby. I need to do something about it. [on phone] Hey Mom.
EMILY: Well, hello.
LORELAI: So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you?
EMILY: No, she did not.
LORELAI: Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look.
EMILY: Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved.
LORELAI: Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.
EMILY: Well, good for you.
LORELAI: Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.
EMILY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup.
EMILY: Lorelai, you can't be serious.
LORELAI: Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.
EMILY: This is ridiculous.
LORELAI: Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future?
EMILY: All right.
LORELAI: Start measuring. [hangs up]
RORY: You feel better now?
LORELAI: Waffle's very happy.
CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA
[Rory starts to sit alone at her regular table when Francie walks over to her.]
FRANCIE: Sit with us, please. [walks away]
RORY: Um, okay.
[Francie sits down at her table.]
FRANCIE: Here she comes.
[Rory walks up the Puffs' table]
LEM: Welcome.
FRANCIE: We talked. We find you fascinating.
IVY: Like the monkey habitat.
FRANCIE: So we've decided to extend an invite to you. You can eat here anytime you like.
RORY: Wow, that's nice of you, thanks. So can I ask about this whole sorority thing?
FRANCIE: Pardon?
IVY: Sorori-what?
RORY: I thought you guys were
LEM: We have no idea what you're talking about.
FRANCIE: That's right. After all, what's the point of a secret society if it's not a secret?
RORY: The whole school apparently knows about it.
[Paris leans against the wall behind their table and reads.]
FRANCIE: Well, no one has proof. It's just folklore.
IVY: Like Snow White and Rose Red.
FRANCIE: Or Mariah Carey's crackup.
LEM: Have you heard her fan message recently? She's fine and is currently staring at a really beautiful rainbow.
IVY: Survivor, hello.
[Francie sees Paris standing behind them]
FRANCIE: Friend of yours?
RORY: Paris? Oh well
IVY: Too intense.
LEM: Way too intense.
FRANCIE: She comes from a long line of us though.
IVY: I hate nepotism.
LEM: It, however, does make the world go round.
RORY: You know, Paris, while, yes, a little intense, is also very smart.
FRANCIE: So I drop a box of matches on the floor, she can tell me how many there are?
RORY: She's editor of the paper. Amazing writer, plus funny.
IVY: She's funny?
RORY: Oh yeah. Hilarious. I mean, the times that we have spent laughing together. I tell ya, she's a regular Gary Muledeer.
FRANCIE: She asked you to talk her up, didn't she?
RORY: No, not at all.
IVY: Right.
RORY: No, really. I think she's actually thinking of joining another non-existent group.
FRANCIE: What?
IVY: But her family's fully puffed.
RORY: I don't know. Maybe I heard her wrong, but I think that's what I heard her say.
FRANCIE: A voluntary defector.
IVY: Francie.
FRANCIE: I know. [turns to Paris] Paris?
PARIS: Yeah?
FRANCIE: I think the wall can hold itself up just fine, don't you?
PARIS: What?
FRANCIE: You should sit.
PARIS: Sit?
FRANCIE: Here.
PARIS: Sit there?
IVY: Or here.
LEM: Or anywhere for that matter.
PARIS: Well
RORY: Unless you've got somewhere else to be. Another table, perhaps.
PARIS: Another table?
FRANCIE: No, you have to sit, right here. Come, come. [moves down to make room for Paris]
PARIS: Uh, okay. I guess I can sit, for a little while anyhow. [sits down]
FRANCIE: Okay, so, have we discussed homecoming yet?
IVY: Not to my knowledge.
FRANCIE: I truly believe the whole homecoming dance ritual's be put to sleep.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[The day of the fashion show, Lorelai walks through the lobby over to Michel at the front desk.]
LORELAI: Uh, in the dining room, and don't drip water on the floor please. Michel, did the
MICHEL: Five minutes ago.
LORELAI: What about the
MICHEL: He brought the wrong color, I sent him back.
LORELAI: What? When will he be
MICHEL: Twenty minutes tops, or I told him I will hunt him down and shave his beard.
LORELAI: Good, now we need the uh
MICHEL: Oh, yes, thank you for reminding me.
LORELAI: Anything
MICHEL: No.
LORELAI: Okay, well, I'm going in the dining room. Come and get me if you actually need me to finish a sentence for you.
MICHEL: Will do.
CUT TO DINING ROOM
[Lorelai walks in and goes over to the man fixing the runway.]
LORELAI: Hey, how's it coming?
MAN: Working on it.
LORELAI: This cannot tilt.
MAN: I know this.
LORELAI: Women in heels will be walking on it. Make it not tilt.
[Sookie walks out of the kitchen]
SOOKIE: The lettuce is dry.
LORELAI: What does that mean?
SOOKIE: How attached are you to salad?
LORELAI: It's free to see anyone it wants.
SOOKIE: I don't want to make a salad with dry lettuce.
LORELAI: What's the alternative?
SOOKIE: I can make soup.
LORELAI: Fine.
SOOKIE: Okay, great.
LORELAI: Ah, Sookie?
SOOKIE: Yeah?
LORELAI: Did we pay for the lettuce already?
SOOKIE: Yes, we did.
LORELAI: See if you can put it in the soup.
SOOKIE: Gotcha.
LORELAI: Okay.
[Luke walks in carrying his toolbox.]
LORELAI: Ah, thank God! You brought Bert.
LUKE: Right here.
LORELAI: My men, follow me.
LUKE: By the way, you do tell people that you're the one that named my toolbox, right?
LORELAI: Toolbox, dirty.
LUKE: Oh geez.
[they walk to the man fixing the runway.]
LORELAI: Okay, um, move.
MAN: What?
LORELAI: I want Luke to look at it.
MAN: Hey, I put this thing together.
LORELAI: Yes, and I loved your work in Pisa, now get out of the way, please.
[the man walks away]
LUKE: Okay, so what seems to be the problem?
LORELAI: Uh ha! The problem is. . .that's not funny.
LUKE: I like it when you're stressed. Oh man, he put this thing up all wrong.
LORELAI: Can you fix it?
LUKE: I don't know, I'll see.
LORELAI: You can fix it.
LUKE: You can say it all you want, it doesn't make it true.
LORELAI: You can fix it.
LUKE: Not with you hovering, I can't.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm leaving. You can fix it. [walks away and sees Ava] Oh, Ava, hi.
AVA: God, the place looks wonderful.
LORELAI: Thank you. Let me show you to the room where we're all getting ready.
AVA: All right.
[As they walk towards the changing room, they pass Luke]
LORELAI: Fix it yet?
LUKE: The moron used the wrong supports.
LORELAI: Please tell me you can fix it.
LUKE: If I told you I couldn't fix it, would you accept that?
LORELAI: No.
LUKE: I can fix it.
LORELAI: Thank you. So we're right back here
[Ava stops to stare at Luke] Uh, Ava, the room's right back here.
AVA: Him.
LORELAI: Who?
AVA: There, man with tools, who is that?
LORELAI: Oh, that's Luke.
AVA: Luke, I like Luke.
LORELAI: What?
AVA: Oh, he's adorable. And he looks strong, is he strong?
LORELAI: Oh I don't know. I don't think he's gonna be in a sideshow anytime soon, but he can get the lid off a pickle jar.
AVA: Is he single?
LORELAI: Well, uh yeah, he is single.
AVA: What kind of women does he like?
LORELAI: I don't know, ones with heads. You know, I don't really know what Luke's taste in women is.
[Emily walks into the dining room]
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, um, Ava, why don't you go on in the back, go to the right, you'll find the dressing room, I'll be there in a sec. [Ava leaves] Hi Mom.
EMILY: The place isn't nearly done yet.
LORELAI: Ugh. Mom, why don't you just go on in the back and get ready.
EMILY: Did you see the clothes? What am I wearing?
LORELAI: I don't know. I just had them hang them up in the room
EMILY: God, I hope they're not tasteless or zebra striped or spandex.
LORELAI: Well, one good way to find out is to go on back and take a peak.
EMILY: You have to get ready too.
LORELAI: I'll be there in a sec.
EMILY: If I'm doing this, you're doing this. I mean it.
[Emily walks in the back, Lorelai walks over to Luke.]
LORELAI: Oh! You fixed it!
LUKE: Yup, for the time being, but I'm gonna stick around for awhile just to make sure nothing happens.
LORELAI: Oh. Okay.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: You don't want me to stick around?
LORELAI: I didn't say that.
LUKE: Is there a reason I shouldn't stick around?
LORELAI: Are you listening? It's fine.
LUKE: Because I'm just doing this for you. I mean, if this thing goes and someone breaks their neck
LORELAI: Luke, stick around.
LUKE: All right, if you insist.
CUT TO DRESSING ROOM
[Women are walking around getting ready. Lorelai walks in and over to Emily.]
LORELAI: Hey. Why aren't you dressed yet?
EMILY: I was waiting for you.
LORELAI: Oh, my God, you're a paranoid woman.
[Emily walks to the lady handing out clothes.]
EMILY: I'm Emily Gilmore.
LADY: [hands her a garment bag] Okay, here you go. Where's Lorelai Gilmore?
LORELAI: Oh, right here.
LADY: You two are together. [hands her a garment bag]
LORELAI: What?
LADY: You're the mother-daughter team.
LORELAI: Oh, no I'm
LADY: I have outfits for one mother-daughter team, your names are on the outfits, you're it.
LORELAI: [unzips the garment bag] Ugh! Oh my God!
CUT TO FASHION SHOW
[A lady at a podium begins the fashion show.]
LADY: I want to welcome you here to the Chilton Booster Club's Annual Fall Festival Fundrasier, where all the proceeds from the evening go directly into the refurbishing of the Chilton auditorium. But enough about the kids. Tonight is about us, and without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Saks presents a fabulous fall fashion extravaganza.
[Music starts and ladies start walking down the runway. After a few models, Emily and Lorelai walk down the runway together wearing similar red outfits. They do several identical turns and motions, then walk off.]
CUT TO INN'S DINING ROOM
[After the fashion show, Lorelai, Emily, and 2 women are sitting at a table talking about the show.]
MENA: Well, I must say, this was definitely better than the salsa band.
GINGER: Oh, people loved it, did you hear them? God, who picked that music?
LORELAI: Um, that'd be me.
GINGER: It was terrific. The whole thing was terrific.
LORELAI: Well, thank you.
MENA: Oh, and hiring that actor to play a horrible, rude, annoying Frenchman. What a riot!
LORELAI: Oh yeah, I thought that'd be fun.
GINGER: You know, if you plan all these damn things, we wouldn't have to have anymore of those stupid meetings.
LORELAI: Oh come on. Don't you want to see how long it actually takes Aubrey to finally learn that kid's name?
GINGER: Eh, you're right. Okay, I'll see you at the next meeting. Great job, really. It's the best event we've ever had.
LORELAI: Well thanks Ginger. Bye Mena.
MENA: Buh bye.
[Ginger and Mena leave.]
LORELAI: What are you looking so ha-ha about?
EMILY: I'm not looking ha-ha.
LORELAI: Yes you are.
EMILY: All right. Whatever you say.
LORELAI: Come on Mom, fess up.
EMILY: Big success tonight.
LORELAI: Seemed to be.
EMILY: The ladies were thrilled. They adore you.
LORELAI: Yes, well, that's because I'm adorable.
EMILY: Funny isn't it?
LORELAI: What's funny?
EMILY: How nicely you seem to be fitting into the world that you ran away from. Well, goodnight Lorelai. Congratulations. [leaves]
[Lorelai looks around and gives a slightly sad look as she sees Luke talking to Ava]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is on the couch reading as Lorelai comes home from the fashion show.]
RORY: Is that you?
LORELAI: Nope.
RORY: How was it?
LORELAI: Oh, fine. It ran smoothly, and the food was amazing. Michel only made three people cry.
RORY: How was the fashion show?
LORELAI: Oh, you know, I walked up and down the ramp, looked pouty and sexy, now I'm ready for rehab. I brought you some Booster cake.
RORY: Put it in the fridge please.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: How's Grandma?
LORELAI: Uh, mmm, good.
RORY: I'm assuming that's your piece of cake and mine is safely in the fridge.
LORELAI: Hmm, you're cute.
RORY: Uh huh. So what'd you wear?
LORELAI: Oh, look at the time. I'm going to bed.
RORY: Nobody took a picture of you?
LORELAI: Uh, no. Can you believe that?
RORY: You're holding onto that purse mighty tightly there missy.
LORELAI: Yes, well, I really love this purse.
RORY: You have pictures in there.
LORELAI: You calling your mother a liar?
RORY: Yes I am.
LORELAI: Mm, well, that's why I ate your cake.
[Lorelai hands Rory the purse, Rory takes out some pictures]
RORY: Oh my God!
LORELAI: Be nice.
RORY: You look like Nancy Reagan.
LORELAI: Oh, now how is that nice?
RORY: I don't believe this. You look so completely different. Elegant, understated.
LORELAI: Yes, well I was wearing underwear with propellers on them if that makes you feel any better. I'm going to bed.
RORY: I'll send the Secret Service up.
LORELAI: Oh, uh, by the way, I would put on your good pajamas, you know, the cute ones with the cakes on them. And brush your hair and put on a little lip gloss.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: You're being kidnapped tonight. [goes upstairs]
RORY: Excuse me? [follows her]
CUT TO LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Lorelai walks in followed by Rory.]
LORELAI: I got a call today from Francie.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Yes, she said that she and her friends were gonna come in while you're sleeping, wake you up, kidnap you and take you out to breakfast in your pajamas.
RORY: Why would they do that?
LORELAI: Apparently it's fun.
RORY: Well, that doesn't sound fun.
LORELAI: She told me to leave a key under the mat and some money on the coffee table.
RORY: And you said yes to this insanity?
LORELAI: Hey, I told you not to become a soc, but you didn't listen.
RORY: I can't believe that you are going to let a group of strange girls come traipsing in here and take away your only child, your precious baby girl, and off to God knows where in the middle of the night.
LORELAI: If it's someplace with doughnuts, bring me one, okay?
RORY: Fine.
[Lorelai starts looking at her modeling pictures. Rory grabs them.]
LORELAI: Uhh! Hey!
RORY: Christmas Cards.
LORELAI: More like your grandmother every day!
CUT TO LIVING ROOM
[Rory is sitting on the couch reading when she hears a car pull up out front.]
RORY: Mom, my kidnappers are here.
LORELAI: Okay, have fun.
[Rory turns out the living room light, goes into her room and pretends to be sleeping in her bed. A few seconds later, several girls with flashlights walk in.]
FRANCIE: h*t the lights.
IVY: I can't find it.
FRANCIE: Shh.
[lights go on]
ALL: Surprise!
RORY: What's going on?
FRANCIE: Rise and shine.
IVY: You can grab shoes, but no socks.
RORY: Oh wow, this is totally unexpected. I'm completely surprised.
FRANCIE: You looked it.
IVY: Okay, let's move. We've still got a couple more girls to get.
[all the girls but Paris walk out]
PARIS: So, that's how you look when you've just woken up?
RORY: Um, yeah.
PARIS: Nothing in my life is fair.
CUT TO CHILTON
[The Puffs are leading several blindfolded girls, including Rory and Paris, through the halls.]
FRANCIE: Okay, just a little further.
GIRL: [bumps into lockers] Ow!
IVY: Shh!
GIRL: Sorry.
FRANCIE: Okay, that's far enough. Ladies, here on the spot, tonight in this place, where so many others have come before you, we invite you to join us.
IVY: Ladies, remove your blindfolds.
RORY: We're at Chilton.
FRANCIE: Keys please.
RORY: What are we doing at Chilton?
PARIS: Will you please be quiet. We are being puffed.
FRANCIE: What you are about to do and what you are about to say will remain forever between the members of the Puffs and only the members of the Puffs.
[She unlocks the door. Everyone goes inside except for Rory, Paris and another girl.]
RORY: This is the headmaster's office. How did she get the keys? I'm sure he didn't give them to her.
PARIS: Stop it. We are making very important social contacts here.
RORY: Hey, I'm not looking for social contacts. I have friends. I'm fine.
PARIS: Well, how nice it must be to be you. Maybe someday I'll stumble into a Disney movie and suddenly be transported into your body, and after living there awhile, I'll finally realize the beauty of myself. But until that moment, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to become a Puff. Now get out of my way.
CUT TO HEADMASTER'S OFFICE
[The girls stand around his desk as Lem lights a candle.]
FRANCIE: The historical bell of Chilton, 120 years old. Every member of the Puffs has stood here under the cover of night to pledge her lifelong devotion to us. 'I pledge myself to the Puffs, loyal I'll always be, a P to start, 2 F's at the end, and a U sitting in between.'
RORY: Anne Sexton, right?
FRANCIE: Once you've finished your oath, you will ring the bell three times.
IVY: Rory?
RORY: Yeah?
IVY: You first.
[Rory steps up to the desk.]
RORY: Um, I pledge myself to the Puffs
IVY: You have to hold the candle.
[Rory picks up the candle]
RORY: I pledge myself to the Puffs, loyal I'll always be
FRANCIE: Sing out Louise.
RORY: A P to start, 2 F's at the end, and a U sitting in between.
[Rory rings the bell twice before the office doors burst open]
HEADMASTER: I wouldn't do that again Miss Gilmore.
CUT TO HEADMASTER'S OFFICE
[All the girls are sitting down in the office as the Headmaster lectures them.]
HEADMASTER: Disappointment, disillusionment, frustration, astonishment. I suppose you could say I am experiencing all of these emotions. Finding some of Chilton's best and brightest acting in such a destructive, immoral and illegal manner will make all of us think long and hard about the manner in which we are educating you girls. But that is all in the future. How do we handle this now? Well, suspension will be considered, detention and extra credit to maintain your current GPA standing will be a given.
RORY: This is unbelievable.
HEADMASTER: What was that, Miss Gilmore?
RORY: Nothing.
HEADMASTER: No, I distinctly heard you mumbling something in a rather disgruntled tone, I'd like to know what it was.
RORY: I said this is unbelievable.
HEADMASTER: And why is this unbelievable Miss Gilmore?
RORY: Because I didn't even want to be here in the first place.
HEADMASTER: Oh, now Miss Gilmore
RORY: Things were going fine, my grades were good, I joined the paper. My routine was down.
HEADMASTER: Your routine was
RORY: And I have friends. I have a steady boyfriend, and my mother and I are freakishly linked, and Lane and I have been best friends since kindergarten. But you don't see that because I don't live in this town, and if you don't see it then it must not be true. And you call me in here to lecture me because I'd rather read at lunch then endlessly discuss the euthanasia of homecoming.
HEADMASTER: You're reading had
RORY: You told me and you told my mother that I needed to socialize, and if I didn't, it would be frowned upon and it would hurt me getting into Harvard.
HEADMASTER: Well, yes, we did say that.
RORY: So, I did it. I sat down at a table, a random table.
FRANCIE: Random?
RORY: And the next thing I know, I'm being pulled out of my bed in the middle of the night and I'm blindfolded and then before I know it, I end up here with the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, reciting poetry and lighting candles, and now I'm gonna be suspended because I was trying to do what you told me? What's fair about that?
SECRETARY: Headmaster Charleston, the parents are starting to arrive.
HEADMASTER: Thank you Mrs. Trager. All right ladies, we'll continue this conversation tomorrow and for many days after that. You may go. Miss Gilmore, I think that maybe you and I should talk some more. [the other girls leave]
RORY: About what?
HEADMASTER: About the fact that though I do feel it is important that students socialize, possibly we may have been a little hasty to judge in your case.
RORY: Really? So does that mean that you might reconsider my suspension?
HEADMASTER: You're an excellent student. You deserve to go to Harvard. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of that. We'll talk tomorrow.
RORY: Thank you.
CUT TO HALLWAY
[Parents are picking up their kids. Lorelai walks down the hallway over to Rory.]
LORELAI: What happened? The reception on the phone sucked, and all I heard was 'Rory' and 'Chilton' and 'get down here.' Who's butt do I have to kick?
RORY: We didn't go to breakfast.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
RORY: We came here. They broke into the Headmaster's office as the big initiation.
LORELAI: Oh, those stupid girls.
RORY: Mm hmm. Part of the initiation was ringing a bell. So that's what I was doing when security showed up and they called you.
LORELAI: That's what you got busted for, ringing a bell?
RORY: Yeah, mm hmm.
LORELAI: That's it? Bell ringing?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Uh, were you at least smoking a Cuban cigar while you were doing it?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: No, I mean, bad girl. How many times have I told you not to ring bells?
RORY: Let's go.
LORELAI: They can dent or scratch and they make dogs crazy. Who do you think you are, the hunchback of Notre Dame? Are you French, are you circular, I don't think so.
RORY: I'm walking to the car now.
LORELAI: Wait, hold on. How much trouble are you in? Should I go talk to the Headmaster?
RORY: No, I think it's gonna be okay.
LORELAI: Okay. Aw, was it a big bell at least?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks in and sits at the counter.]
LUKE: Hey, good party yesterday.
LORELAI: Yeah, not bad.
LUKE: Yeah, I like the new look. It was very high-class substitute teacher.
LORELAI: Exactly what I was going for.
LUKE: Coffee?
LORELAI: Oh, to go.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: Hey Luke, uh, I feel a little weird even mentioning this to you.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Yesterday I saw you talking to Ava, you know, she's in my booster club?
LUKE: Yeah, I know who she is.
LORELAI: Oh, good. Well, good. So anyhow, I saw you guys talking alone and it seemed kind of private, and she mentioned earlier that you didn't make her, you know, gag, so I just figured you guys were making some sort of plans to hang out. And see, the thing is, I just think it would be a little weird if you started dating a Chilton mom. Look, I know I have no right to say anything to you, but it's just, um, if you did date her, well, I'm in the Booster Club with her, which means that I'll hear things, and I don't know, it's just, I'd like to keep that Chilton life separate from my Stars Hollow life, so if there's any way that you could not date her, that would be really great.
LUKE: Boy, I tell you, you've got nerve.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, I know this is your private business.
LUKE: It is my private business.
LORELAI: You don't see any validity to my side at all?
LUKE: I am a grown man. You cannot tell me who to date.
LORELAI: I'm not telling you who to date, I'm telling you who not to date.
LUKE: You can't tell me that either.
LORELAI: Look
LUKE: I will date who I like, and if that screws with your plans, then sorry. And if you don't wanna hear things, then don't listen.
LORELAI: But
LUKE: If you don't like it, you can just deal with it.
LORELAI: Okay, I'll just deal with it.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: I just thought that if something was going to affect our friendship in some way that you might care about that, because if the situation was reversed, then I would care, but hey, that's me, and so
go ahead, date her, marry her, make her Mrs. Backwards Baseball Cap, live happily ever after, see if I care. [starts to leave]
LUKE: And by the way, I wasn't asking her out. I was giving her directions for the quickest way back to Hartford. It was very romantic. I said you take a right at Deerfield, and you catch the I-5 and you take it south. Oh man, hot stuff.
LORELAI: That is so typical of you.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: That is not the quickest way back to Hartford. Everybody knows that you take Maine to Cherry to Lynwood and then grab the I-11. Everybody knows that Luke. Everybody, apparently, but you! [leaves]
CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA
[Rory walks in, sits at a table alone, puts on her walkman, and starts reading her book. A girl walks over to her.]
GIRL: Do you mind?
RORY: Oh, no.
GIRL: Thanks.
[The girl sits down with her lunch and starts reading. Rory smiles and continues reading.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x07 - Like Mother, Like Daughter"} | foreverdreaming |
2.08 - The Ins and Outs of Inns
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Michael Katleman
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory and Emily are eating dinner.]
EMILY: How's the meal?
RORY: Tasty.
LORELAI: Very tasty. New cook?
EMILY: Yes, Marisella. She's introduced us to some wonderful dishes so charmingly specific to her native country.
LORELAI: What country is she from?
EMILY: One of those little ones next to Mexico.
LORELAI: How charmingly specific.
RORY: Too bad Grandpa's not here. He likes weird food.
LORELAI: Yeah, where's he eating his weird food tonight? Argentina? Morocco?
EMILY: Akron.
RORY: Ohio?
EMILY: Yes.
LORELAI: Get out of here.
EMILY: I will not get out of here.
LORELAI: No Mom, I didn't mean really get out of here, I mean
RORY: Why is Grandpa in Akron?
EMILY: I don't know.
LORELAI: It was just a saying.
EMILY: They sent him to deal with some problem with their local office down there.
LORELAI: A saying, you know, like 'save me' or 'get me out of here'. Things like that.
EMILY: Lorelai, would you like me to put a mirror in front of you so you can look at yourself while you have this conversation?
LORELAI: Sorry, Dad's in Akron.
EMILY: Yes. The amenities are atrociously lacking. He had to eat at a coffee shop last night. The whole thing's terribly insulting. He's miserable.
RORY: I hate that he's miserable.
EMILY: So do I. We really ought to do something.
RORY: Yes, I agree.
LORELAI: Warning, warning.
EMILY: I'm glad to hear you say that Rory, because I thought of a wonderful way to cheer him up.
RORY: Cool, what?
LORELAI: Danger, Will Robinson, danger!
EMILY: An oil portrait of you for his study.
RORY: An oil portrait.
LORELAI: I tried, have fun.
EMILY: It could hang right over his mantle. He'd just love it.
RORY: Well, I guess that would be okay.
LORELAI: Oh Mom, please, don't make her do this.
EMILY: She just said she would.
LORELAI: Fine, paint the picture, but don't make her sit and pose for it. Paint it from a photo.
EMILY: A photo? That's what they do at malls.
RORY: I'll sit, it's fine.
EMILY: Just because your own experience sitting for a portrait was bad doesn't mean Rory's has to be.
RORY: What portrait? I haven't seen this.
LORELAI: They never finished.
EMILY: Three painters started, and they all three quit.
RORY: Why did they quit?
EMILY: She wouldn't stop scowling.
LORELAI: I was going for a Billy Idol thing.
EMILY: The one from Italy had some sort of breakdown.
RORY: Oh my God.
LORELAI: Hey, it didn't hurt Van Gogh, the guy should thank me.
EMILY: A year later, I swear I saw him rummaging through our recyclables.
RORY: Well, I'm happy to sit. If it's for Grandpa, why not?
EMILY: Wonderful. I'll set it up first thing in the morning.
LORELAI: Psst. If you want, I can teach you the Billy Idol. Most people focus on the lip thing, but the eyes are just as import...
[Emily slams the salt shaker on the table. Lorelai stops talking.]
OPENING CREDITS
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Luke are sitting at a table talking.]
LUKE: So, the first thing you and Sookie would do is incorporate.
LORELAI: Wow. Sounds so big time.
LUKE: Not really. It just means you're a single business entity. You'll both be officers and shareholders, and you'll get to make up a name for your company and everything.
LORELAI: Mmm, I'm terrible at coming up with names. When we first bought out house, Rory and I wanted to name it, you know, like Jefferson named his place Monticello, but all we could come up with is The Crap Shack.
LUKE: Nice.
[Jess walks over with a coffeepot]
JESS: Coffee?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, thanks. How are you Jess?
JESS: Well, I'm not bleeding or anything.
LORELAI: Well, then it's gonna be a good day, huh?
JESS: Yeah. It's 7:45.
LUKE: So?
JESS: So do you want me to go to school or do you want to openly defy child labor laws?
LUKE: Go. Stay out of trouble.
JESS: Guess that means calling off the chickie run down at the salt flax.
LUKE: Out. [Jess leaves]
LORELAI: Wow, so much love.
LUKE: So, you guys have a site in mind for the inn?
LORELAI: Yes.
LUKE: Great, where?
LORELAI: You've seen pictures of it. The Rachel property.
LUKE: Oh, right.
LORELAI: Sorry.
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: I just meant, Rachel took the pictures, and the pictures kind of got us into the place, so we started calling it the Rachel property 'cause it made sense at the time and then it became a habit. But now out of respect for you, I'm gonna stop repeatedly using her name and uh, think of another name to call it. Let's see, The Crap Shack's taken.
LUKE: It's okay. Call it what you want.
LORELAI: So, who taught you about all this business stuff? Your dad?
LUKE: Please. My dad didn't even have a checking account until I finally got taller then he was. He bought this land with cash from working construction, built this place himself. Didn't have a bookkeeper, an accountant, or anything.
LORELAI: Wow, so you had no one showing you the ropes.
LUKE: Nope, I figured I had to just dive in on my own, fail if that's my destiny, and forget what the experts say.
LORELAI: That is exactly my philosophy. Exactly. Except I'm not diving in on my own, I'm diving in with Sookie, and, uh, failure is not even a choice of destinies, and I'm consulting any expert who will listen to me. Otherwise, it's identical.
LUKE: Well, I should be getting going. You gonna write this meal off?
LORELAI: Why?
LUKE: Oh, we talked business. You gotta be thinking about these things.
LORELAI: No, I mean, why? I'm not paying for it. [Luke sighs] Exactly.
LUKE: You're gonna do fine.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Lorelai and Sookie are talking in the kitchen as Michel walks in.]
LORELAI: It shouldn't be too flashy.
SOOKIE: How about something historical, like 'The Paul Revere'?
LORELAI: Oh, that could work.
MICHEL: What could work?
LORELAI: We're thinking up names for the inn we're gonna open.
SOOKIE: I mean, if you want simple, something like 'The Country Rose'.
LORELAI: That's pretty good.
SOOKIE: We could line the front path with multicolored roses.
LORELAI: Or. . or 'The Inn by the Hollow'. Kind of long.
SOOKIE: No, but nice.
MICHEL: How about 'The Money Pit'?
LORELAI: Boo.
MICHEL: Or 'The Outhouse'. Go international.
SOOKIE: Go back in your hole.
MICHEL: Or 'The Inn Heading for Bankruptcy'. Kind of long, but nice.
SOOKIE: You who have no dreams rain on those who do.
MICHEL: I say this because I care about you. It's risky what you are doing. Most new businesses go down within two years.
LORELAI: I say if we go down after two years, it'll be the most exciting two years of our lives.
SOOKIE: Same here. Boredom stinks.
MICHEL: Fine, proceed blindly. [hands Lorelai some papers] Here, it came in ten minutes ago. It does not involve the Independence Inn, therefore delivering it was beyond my official obligations, so I am taking an extra long lunch break. [leaves]
SOOKIE: He's so genuine.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: It's the title search for the Rachel property. And guess who owns it.
SOOKIE: Tell me it's not that bastard Donald Trump.
LORELAI: Fran.
SOOKIE: Fran from Weston's Bakery?
LORELAI: Sweet little Fran, the cupcake lady. Not some cigar-chomping, dirty dealing city slicker.
SOOKIE: Ooh! That's good. Hey! 'The Country Slicker.' Funny name, cutesy idea
LORELAI: Mm, it's a little much.
SOOKIE: It's way too much.
LORELAI: I'll call Fran.
SOOKIE: 'Fran's Old Place'! It'll be like Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. People will be trying to figure out who Fran is. Or 'The In Inn'! It's like an inn that's in with the in crowd. . .I'm gonna go sit down.
LORELAI: Do that sweetie.
SOOKIE: Okay.
CUT TO OUTSIDE DOOSE'S MARKET
[Taylor walks down the sidewalk to his store. Right in front of it, there is a chalk outline of a body on the sidewalk surrounded by police tape.]
CUT TO BAKERY
[Lorelai is sitting at a table as Sookie walks in and sits down with her.]
SOOKIE: Honey, I'm so sorry. Am I late late or just late?
LORELAI: Two pieces of carrot cake and a rumball.
SOOKIE: Ah, I am so sorry! I swear I meant to be on time, but I was prepping the raspberry glaze for tonight's dessert special, and it struck me. I made a blueberry glaze for the soufflé I made last Tuesday, and this is Tuesday, and a lot of locals come every week on the same night every week, and I just didn't want to serve them some. . .like a similar dessert even though it's a completely different berry. . .
LORELAI: I need another rumball.
SOOKIE: Ah, I'm sorry.
LORELAI: No, you're a perfectionist, and that attention to detail is why people call you the Maestro.
SOOKIE: Really? Who calls me that?
LORELAI: The people who eat the rumballs.
[Fran walks over to their table.]
FRAN: So ladies, how are we doing here?
SOOKIE: Oh, we're doing great Fran.
FRAN: Oh, well that's wonderful.
LORELAI: Fran, could Sookie and I talk to you for a couple minutes?
FRAN: Oh, of course. Marjorie can handle things. [sits down] Oooh.
LORELAI: Fran, are you okay?
FRAN: Aw, it's this bum hip. It needs to be replaced, again. And I have this awful angina.
SOOKIE: Oh, we're so sorry to hear that.
FRAN: So, I know you didn't come here to listen to me gripe, so tell me what's on your mind.
LORELAI: Okay, well Fran, we understand that you own the old Dragonfly Bed and Breakfast, that whole property out there.
FRAN: Why, yes I do. It was my parents' business.
SOOKIE: It's a beautiful place.
FRAN: Oh, it used to be. But it's in such disarray now.
LORELAI: Yes it is, and that's kind of why we're here. We'd actually like to buy it.
FRAN: Buy the Dragonfly?
LORELAI: Yes, we'd like to buy it and make it beautiful again, and we're prepared to make you an offer right now.
FRAN: Oh my, well this is a surprise.
LORELAI: See, Sookie and I are gonna start our own inn and we've been searching for the perfect place.
FRAN: Your own inn?
LORELAI: Yeah.
FRAN: Oh how wonderful! You are going to be so successful.
SOOKIE: Thanks Sweetie.
LORELAI: That means so much, like we have your blessing.
FRAN: But I can't sell you the property.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: How come?
FRAN: I just couldn't. You know, I have no siblings and no children and in a ways, that place is really the only family I have. I'm the last Weston left, so I plan to own it forever.
LORELAI: Forever?
FRAN: Forever and ever.
LORELAI: That's a very long time.
SOOKIE: A very long time.
FRAN: I'm so sorry.
LORELAI: Fran, may I ask. . . um. . .
FRAN: Go ahead honey, ask me anything you want.
LORELAI: Well, what happens to the place if you. . .well, if forever isn't quite forever?
FRAN: I don't understand dear. All I know is that I can't sell the place.
LORELAI: Oh no, I don't mean selling it. I mean, you would keep it forever, but what happens once you're no longer in the position of physically controlling the property?
FRAN: How could that be?
LORELAI: Uh, well, if you um, if you
SOOKIE: Take a long vacation.
LORELAI: Yes, take a long vacation. Thank you.
SOOKIE: You're welcome.
LORELAI: And when you're on that long vacation, the property is just left sitting there. Well, what happens then?
FRAN: Oh, I don't enjoy vacations. I toured the California gold country ten years ago, it was hot and the bus smelled.
LORELAI: Okay, I mean a longer vacation than a trip to California.
SOOKIE: To a different place.
FRAN: What kind of place?
LORELAI: A place out there.
SOOKIE: Way out there Fran.
FRAN: Europe?
LORELAI: I mean the ultimate long vacation.
SOOKIE: Yeah, Francie, eventually, we're all gonna take the same long vacation.
LORELAI: And with that being the case, you might want to sell the property now and enjoy the money.
FRAN: I'm very sorry, but I can never sell the place.
LORELAI: Oh, well thanks for your time Fran.
SOOKIE: Yeah, thanks Fran.
FRAN: Bye now.
LORELAI: Bye.
SOOKIE: Bye.
FRAN: You both look so sad. Would you like a cupcake?
LORELAI: Please.
SOOKIE: Yeah.
FRAN: Good.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Rory and Lane are walking down the sidewalk in Stars Hollow.]
LANE: So, Janie Fertman's trying to be my friend again.
RORY: Yikes. What kind of vibe are you giving her?
LANE: Oh, my patented Keith Richards circa 1969 'don't mess with me' vibe, with a thousand-yard Asian stare thrown in.
RORY: That should do it.
[They see a police car and a large crowd down the street in front of Doose's market]
RORY: What's happening up there?
CUT TO OUTSIDE DOOSE'S MARKET
[A crowd has gathered around the chalk outline.]
POLICEWOMAN: Just try to calm down Taylor.
TAYLOR: Calm down! Why should I calm down?
BOOTSY: Yeah, why should he calm down?
TAYLOR: I want action not words.
BOOTSY: Yeah, action not words.
TAYLOR: Don't you need to get back to your newsstand, Bootsy?
BOOTSY: No buddy, I'm all yours.
POLICEWOMAN: We're gonna get to the bottom of this, I promise you.
TAYLOR: A crime was committed right in front of my store.
POLICEWOMAN: Now, we can't say that for sure yet.
TAYLOR: How come you can't say that for sure? This is a police tape. You're the police, you own the tape!
POLICEWOMAN: Taylor, we've contacted everyone in the precinct. No one knows anything about this.
TAYLOR: Well, what am I supposed to do? I've got a d*ad body right in front of my store!
POLICEWOMAN: No, you have a chalk outline of a d*ad body in front of your store.
BOOTSY: Meaning that there were two crimes.
POLICEWOMAN: What?
BOOTSY: What do you mean what? Somebody got m*rder, then somebody stole the body. It's open and shut, bing bang boom.
POLICEWOMAN: Is this your son?
TAYLOR: I should say not.
BOOTSY: Oh.
POLICEWOMAN: Look, my partner's doing a headcount to see if anyone in town is missing. Until then, just hang tight. [leaves]
[Rory and Lane walk up to Dean in the crowd.]
RORY: Hey.
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: What's going on?
DEAN: I don't know. I got here and this is what I found. I mean, I told him it looked fake, but he didn't believe me.
RORY: And you have such an honest face.
DEAN: Well, he must not love me as much as you do.
LANE: Okay, you two are officially sickening. [leaves]
[The policewoman walks up to Taylor]
POLICEWOMAN: Everyone's accounted for Taylor. It looks like this is just an elaborate prank.
TAYLOR: But it looks so real. Where'd they get the police tape?
POLICEWOMAN: Kids have their ways.
TAYLOR: Who'd be depraved enough to pull a stupid prank like this?
POLICEWOMAN: Hard to say.
[Rory sees Jess standing across the street smirking as he watches the crowd]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Rory is sitting at a table doing work, Lorelai is getting coffee, Sookie is cooking.]
RORY: Mom, you're not writing what you purchased on the back of any of the inn's credit cards receipts.
LORELAI: Oh, well, just put cooking spray and sponges.
RORY: Okay. And when an auditor wants to know why you need such large amounts of cooking spray and sponges?
LORELAI: Then I drop my pencil and I put the scoop neck sweater that I'm now making a mental note to wear to good use.
RORY: Well at least you've got a solid well thought out plan.
SOOKIE: I had a dream last night about us and Fran.
LORELAI: Oh, what was it?
SOOKIE: Well, it was in the future and we were all old, you and me and Rory and Jackson and Michel, everyone. Gray hair, walking around with canes, we're all kind of ailing, you know? I had those big cataract glasses on. You were hard of hearing and kept going, Huh? Huh?
LORELAI: Oh, that's attractive.
RORY: Its you kids with your rock and roll.
SOOKIE: But wuh-ho, here walks up Fran, and guess what. She looks exactly the same, even better.
LORELAI: Ugh! That's not fair.
SOOKIE: That woman is gonna live forever.
LORELAI: Not necessarily. Hey, did you look up angina? I forgot to.
SOOKIE: Yeah, it's nothing major.
RORY: You guys have got to stop talking like this.
LORELAI: Like what?
RORY: We love Fran, remember? Fran is great.
SOOKIE: No, honey, of course we love Fran. We just wanna know what God's little plan is for her, that's all.
[Michel walks into the kitchen]
MICHEL: I would advise at least pretending to look busy, the boss is here.
RORY: Mia!
LORELAI: You're kidding! When?
MICHEL: I just spotted her walking in.
LORELAI: Let's go.
CUT TO LOBBY
[Lorelai and Rory walk out from the kitchen over to Mia.]
RORY: Mia!
MIA: Uh! Oh my babies! Ooh! [hugs them]
RORY: Did we know you were coming?
MIA: I didn't know I was coming.
LORELAI: This isn't a surprise inspection is it?
MIA: That's exactly what this is. Ready? Oh, you're too thin as always.
RORY: But we eat.
MIA: And you're both too beautiful.
LORELAI: Yes, that's true. We often feel guilty monopolizing the amount of beauty we're in possession of.
MIA: And I don't see you enough which is my fault, so you both pass.
LORELAI: Aww.
[Michel walks over to them]
MIA: Ooh Michel. Ooh, how nice to see you. Uh, and look at that suit. You are quite the dandy, aren't you?
MICHEL: Well, I had a feeling that a lovely woman was going to be visiting today so I decided I must look my best for her.
MIA: I'm sorry honey, I didn't catch a word of that.
RORY: He said he missed you.
MIA: You've been in the U.S. quite some time Michel, your enunciation really should be better by now.
MICHEL: The customers seem to understand me just fine.
MIA: I didn't get that either. Did you get the tapes I sent you?
LORELAI: Hey, maybe you should h*t the desk. A couple of people are looking for help.
MICHEL: Right away. Mia, uh, I. . . [salutes and walks behind the desk]
MIA: So, are you too busy to sneak out with me for a walk?
RORY: Not if it's okay with the boss.
MIA: It's a demand at this point.
LORELAI: Let's go. Michel, hold down the fort?
MICHEL: Oh, it's a little slow now, so it's no problem.
RORY: Oh, he says that he's never liked you and that you're a problem.
MICHEL: I said no such thing!
MIA: I don't know where this hostility comes from. Can we work this out?
MICHEL: There's nothing to work out.
RORY: He told you to get out.
MICHEL: I did not!
MIA: I don't know what I did to make him hate me.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is at the counter fixing a toaster as Lorelai, Rory and Mia walk in]
MIA: Look at this place, it's exactly the same.
LORELAI: Actually, I made him paint it a few months ago.
MIA: Well, good for you.
[Luke walks over and hugs Mia]
LUKE: Mia hey!
MIA: Nice to see you Lucas.
LUKE: You're the only person in the world who can call me that, Mia.
MIA: I know this.
LUKE: I'm saying it for others who plan to try it later.
LORELAI: Whatever Lucas.
LUKE: Mia, you know anything about toasters?
MIA: Not a damn thing.
LUKE: Well, then sit down and let me get you some coffee.
[Luke goes to get coffee as they sit down at a table.]
LORELAI: So, Mia, how's living in Santa Barbara?
MIA: Horrible. Did you know the damn sun shines all the time out there?
RORY: They've written songs about that.
MIA: Well, no one told me that's how it was. Half of my wardrobe is obsolete.
LORELAI: Aw, drag. Hey, you know that vintagey blue coat?
MIA: You're not getting it.
LORELAI: Right.
[Jess walks up to Luke, who's fixing the toaster again.]
JESS: You're making that worse.
LUKE: Big help, thanks.
LORELAI: Luke's nephew.
MIA: Luke, that's your nephew?
[Luke brings their coffee to the table]
LUKE: It's Liz's kid. Jess, this is Mia, she owns the Independence Inn.
JESS: Huh.
LUKE: That's 'Hello, nice to meet you' in slacker.
JESS: You don't need me down here, do you? [leaves]
LUKE: I'm sorry Mia. He's just
MIA: Oh please, forget it. You weren't exactly a talkative boy yourself when you were his age.
LORELAI: That's right, you knew Luke as a boy.
RORY: I can't imagine Luke as a boy.
LUKE: Can we change the subject?
MIA: He would help people carry groceries home.
RORY: Oh, how very Boy Scout-y of you.
MIA: For a quarter a bag.
LORELAI: Oh, how very John Birch Society-y of you.
MIA: He was never without his skateboard for a time.
LORELAI: Were you any good?
LUKE: I could hold my own.
MIA: And there was that year you wore the same shirt everywhere you went.
LUKE: I don't remember that.
LORELAI: Must have been something flannel.
MIA: No, it was from that TV show. That famous one.
LUKE: It's not important.
MIA: Star Trek, that's it!
[Lorelai and Rory laugh]
LORELAI: Oh my God, oh my God!
LUKE: Stop it.
RORY: You were a Trekkie?
LUKE: I was not a Trekkie.
LORELAI: Uh uh, I do believe that denying you were a Trekkie is a violation of the prime directive.
RORY: Indubitably captain.
LUKE: It was a gift from my aunt, I wore it to make her happy.
LORELAI: I've never wanted to make any aunt of mine that happy.
MIA: Did I say something I shouldn't have?
LORELAI: Oh no Mia, that's okay. I just have to cancel everything I have scheduled for the next three months 'cause I'll still be laughing my ass off.
[Taylor walks into the diner.]
TAYLOR: Luke, I need to talk to you right now.
LUKE: What is it Taylor?
TAYLOR: I have conducted a thorough investigation of all the people who may have inadvertently been witness to the phony m*rder at my store last night.
MIA: There was a phony m*rder?
LORELAI: Yeah, the town's too dull to work up a real m*rder.
RORY: But you're one 'beam me up Scotty' reference away from being the victim of one.
LORELAI: Mm.
TAYLOR: Luke, are you going to listen?
LUKE: What's this got to do with me?
TAYLOR: Three people have reported seeing Jess in that area late last night, skulking, lurking.
LUKE: There were a lot of people out late last night. I know because I fed some of them. I'll give you their names so you can add them to your suspect list.
TAYLOR: Another person witnessed Jess walking out of an arts and crafts store two days ago with what appeared to be chalk.
LUKE: You appear to be bugging me Taylor.
TAYLOR: What are you gonna do about it Luke?
LUKE: About what?
TAYLOR: About the results of my investigation.
LUKE: Absolutely nothing, but thanks for the info.
TAYLOR: You have to do something. People want action.
LUKE: People, meaning you.
TAYLOR: Not just me. I speak for the Stars Hollow Business Association, the Stars Hollow Tourist Board, the Stars Hollow Neighborhood Watch Organization, and the Stars Hollow Citizens for a Clean Stars Hollow Council.
LUKE: All of which are you.
TAYLOR: So are you going to act.
LUKE: Yes I am. I'm gonna act like you never came in here.
TAYLOR: Fine, have it your own way. But I warn you, there's gonna be a lot of unhappy people at S.H.B.A., the S.H.T.B., the S.H.N.W.O. and the S.H.C.C.S.H.C.
LUKE: F-I-N-E.
TAYLOR: Oh, you're. . .you're impossible, you are impossible! [starts to leave] Oh, hi Mia.
MIA: Nice to see you Taylor. [Taylor leaves] Ah, I gotta get out of Santa Barbara. I miss the small town theater. And I miss you. Hey, do you realize it was fifteen years ago almost to the day?
LORELAI: Yes it was.
RORY: What was?
MIA: To the day when this skinny little teenage girl showed up at the inn. She had this tiny little thing in her arms.
LORELAI: A little thing named Rory. [pinches Rory's cheeks]
RORY: Okay, no physical reenactments.
MIA: You marched up to me, looked me right in the eye and said, 'I'm here for a job. Any job.'
LORELAI: Well, IBM had turned me down for the CEO slot, so I was desperate.
MIA: Work experience none, recommendations none, skills
LORELAI: Besides flawlessly applying mascara in a moving car, none.
MIA: Not one thing to recommend hiring her. Just that
how do I put it and remain a lady
that 'who cares' look in her eyes, so I gave her any job. The other maids hated you.
LORELAI: Yeah, well they were all so slow.
MIA: You were special.
RORY: Mia, why don't you move back here? We miss you.
LORELAI: Or at least visit more? You used to check in. You never come at all.
MIA: I don't have to. You've made me redundant.
LORELAI: I have not.
MIA: Don't be humble. The inn is beyond covered. It's never run this well or been this successful. That inn is like your place now. Without you I wouldn't know what to do, I'd be lost.
LORELAI: Lost, yeah.
RORY: Yeah.
MIA: You look sad now, why?
LORELAI: Oh, nothing.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Sookie is cooking while Lorelai talks to her.]
LORELAI: In all the excitement, I hadn't thought about telling Mia. What is wrong with me?
SOOKIE: Nothing is wrong with you.
LORELAI: I feel terrible. I should've told her before. I should've told her the day the idea occurred to us. She deserved that. [phone rings] After all she's done for me. [answers phone] Hello?
EMILY: Lorelai, your daughter's being impossible. She won't pose in an appropriate manner.
RORY: I'm trying to Grandma. It's just awkward.
LORELAI: Let me guess how you're posing her. She's in a silly gown on a silly chair with both of her hands raised in some silly way.
EMILY: No, just the one hand is raised, and none of it's silly.
LORELAI: Pick a simpler pose, Mom.
EMILY: This is the simplest, and it wasn't my choice.
LORELAI: And your choice is
EMILY: I wanted the swan to sit regally aside Rory's throne.
LORELAI: Swan? Throne?
EMILY: Oh, now you have a problem with swans and thrones.
LORELAI: Because swans and thrones scream one thing Mom, Siegfried and Roy.
EMILY: Who?
LORELAI: Make a change Mom.
EMILY: I suppose you'd just have her sitting in a chair reading a book.
LORELAI: Now that sounds great.
EMILY: Oh, be serious.
LORELAI: I am. That's a completely natural pose for Rory. And a painting of her reading that's gonna be hung in Dad's study seems just crazy enough to work.
EMILY: Well, maybe it's not such a bad idea.
LORELAI: Give it a try. And let her lower her arm.
EMILY: Rory, you can lower your arm.
RORY: Thanks.
[swan honks]
EMILY: I think he's just hungry. We're going to lose the swan.
LORELAI: Good going Mom. Bye. [hangs up] Ugh. So how do I do this? How..how
how do I tell Mia that I'm leaving?
SOOKIE: Get her drunk first?
LORELAI: Oh, I can't believe it. I'm gonna let down the one person in my life who was there for me when I needed it the most. I'm great, aren't I?
[Mia and Michel enter the kitchen]
MIA: I wanted to put it on the front desk but I think it might be a tad short.
MICHEL: Well, we could get a carpenter to build up a base and raise it up two inches and then it would be perfect.
MIA: Great idea. Hey, I got that, every word!
MICHEL: Yes!
MIA: Oh, oh, I'm so proud!
[Michel and Mia leave]
SOOKIE: So you gonna tell her now or later?
LORELAI: Later, because she's so happy that she can finally understand Michel and that the lamp is fixed and that...
SOOKIE: [clucks like a chicken]
LORELAI: And that too.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai, Rory, and Mia walk down the street towards Miss Patty's]
RORY: We're late.
LORELAI: We're not late.
RORY: The last time we were late, Taylor said that there would be consequences.
LORELAI: He did not. He said there would be severe consequences.
RORY: Mia, what time is it? Are we late?
MIA: I hope so.
LORELAI: Mia!
MIA: I'm sorry, but it's been two years since I've gotten to go to a town meeting and I want some controversy.
[Lorelai sees Luke in front of the diner, locking up]
LORELAI: Aha!
LUKE: Geez! Don't sneak up on me like that.
LORELAI: Yeah, boy, I was lucky you had your phasers on stun, huh?
RORY: Well, at least we're not late. Luke's never late.
LUKE: Actually, we're 2 minutes early.
RORY: Ha! We should get a prize for being on time.
LORELAI: Hey Luke, let's go back to the diner and get some pie as our reward for being on time.
LUKE: Then you'd be late.
LORELAI: A funny conundrum, but I want pie.
LUKE: You're harassing me now.
LORELAI: I'm not harassing you. We're your groupies. [in high voice] Oh Luke, you're so dreamy, be my guy!
RORY: [in high voice] No, be my guy!
LUKE: I'm bringing up the need for more police protection at this thing.
[they walk into the town meeting, which has already started]
MIA: I think we're late.
LUKE: What's going on here?
TAYLOR: Uh, nothing.
LUKE: Meeting was supposed to start at eight Taylor, it's a minute to eight.
TAYLOR: Well...
MISS PATTY: Oh, you might as well be honest with him Taylor.
LORELAI: Be honest with him about what?
TAYLOR: Well, if you must know, there was a special issue that the business community had to deal with first, so we decided to start early tonight.
LUKE: I'm in the business community and I wasn't told about it. Taylor?
TAYLOR: All right, fine. You weren't invited Luke.
LUKE: And why is that?
MIA: Controversy.
TAYLOR: You weren't invited because we are dealing with the Jess situation.
LUKE: The Jess situation?
LORELAI: Uh oh. If this was the wild west, we'd be pushing the horse aside and diving into the water trough right about now.
LUKE: Dammit Taylor!
MISS PATTY: Luke, honey, calm down.
TAYLOR: After all, this is all your doing. If you hadn't so cavalierly dismissed the issue, we wouldn't have had to do this. I lost business because of what your hooligan nephew did.
LUKE: How was business lost Taylor? If you had to open a little late that day, your customers just came back later.
TAYLOR: Not so. When Mrs. Lanahan couldn't buy her head of lettuce that morning for her lunch, she drove straight to Woodbury to buy lettuce from a competing market. Isn't that right Mrs. Lanahan? Mrs. Lanahan?
LORELAI: You really shouldn't be driving anymore.
TAYLOR: Word has it that she was telling other Doose market shoppers that Woodbury lettuce is crisper. That's business flying out the door.
LUKE: Okay fine. How much is a head of lettuce, a buck? Oh, let's go crazy, give me five heads.
TAYLOR: This goes well beyond a head of lettuce, young man. The charges against your nephew are numerous. He stole the 'save the bridge' money...
LUKE: He gave that back.
TAYLOR: He stole a gnome from Babette's garden.
LUKE: Pierpont was also returned.
MISS PATTY: He hooted one of my dance classes.
FRAN: He took a garden hose from my yard.
MAN: My son said he set off the f*re alarms at school last week.
LORELAI: I heard he controls the weather and wrote the screenplay to Glitter.
BOOTSY: I think it's time for me to pipe up here.
LUKE: Oh yeah, that'll be good.
BOOTSY: I have every right to pipe in here Luke. I'm a local entrepreneur.
LUKE: You took over your father's newsstand Bootsy, it doesn't make you an entrepreneur.
BOOTSY: And you took over your old man's hardware store.
LUKE: And turned it into a diner.
BOOTSY: Big whoop. Who can't fry an egg?
TAYLOR: Let's keep it moving here boys, huh?
BOOTSY: I never liked the look of that kid from the second I saw him.
LUKE: Unbelievable.
BOOTSY: Excuse me, but I've got the floor.
LUKE: You don't have the floor.
BOOTSY: I'm standing, aren't I?
LUKE: Well I was standing first which means I have the floor and I'm not giving it to you.
TAYLOR: What is with you too?
BOOTSY: This goes way beyond the Jess matter Taylor. Luke's been on my case since the first grade when he wrongfully accused me of sabotaging a clay imprint that he made of his hand.
LORELAI: Ooh! Think hard, was he dressed like Sulu?
LUKE: No one cares about the stupid clay hand Bootsy. And you stomped on it while it was drying. Three kids saw you.
BOOTSY: No I didn't.
LUKE: You did too!
BOOTSY: No I didn't.
TAYLOR: Boys, please. The bottom line here is that there is a consensus among townspeople who are in agreement that Stars Hollow was a better place before Jess got here.
LUKE: So this half of the room gets the tar, and the other half gets the feathers?
TAYLOR: Well, there hasn't been any talk of tar and feathers. Although
LUKE: Look, I've lived in this town my entire life, longer than most everybody here.
BOOTSY: I beg to differ. I'm five weeks older than you, that means I've been here five weeks longer.
LUKE: I've never bothered anyone. I've kept to myself and I've done the best I could. I pay my taxes, and I help people when I can. I haven't pitched in on the decorative pageantry town stuff because it all seems insane to me, but I don't get in the way of that stuff either.
TAYLOR: What's your point, Luke?
LORELAI: His point is
do you mind?
LUKE: Be my guest.
LORELAI: His point is, that if there's a problem
LUKE: And I'm not saying there's a problem.
LORELAI: Right, he's not saying there is a problem, but if there it, give him time to deal with it before you storm his diner with torches and pitchforks.
LUKE: Right. What I'm dealing with, being a problem, that I don't necessarily agree that I even have.
LORELAI: Right.
TAYLOR: I didn't get that last part.
LORELAI: Lay off him because what you're all doing stinks.
LUKE: I'm done here. I'm done with all of you. Oh, and I was gonna stay open later in case anyone wanted to eat after the meeting. Forget that. [leaves]
BOOTSY: His turkey burgers are very dry.
CUT TO OUTSIDE MISS PATTY'S
[Lorelai, Rory and Mia walk out of the town meeting.]
MIA: Well, I must say that was quite exciting.
LORELAI: A little disturbing. I think the whole town needs a field trip.
RORY: Do you think Luke's okay?
LORELAI: I think he will be. He just needs to cool off a little.
RORY: Hey, I'm gonna go check on Dean. He's been scraping that outline off the cement for two days now.
LORELAI: Good idea. There's nothing like your face on his to make the cleaning process go faster.
RORY: She's all yours Mia.
MIA: I'll take her.
LORELAI: Bye hon. [Rory leaves]
MIA: Oh, I am just having the most wonderful time. And I am so proud of you and Rory. You both have just come so far.
LORELAI: Yeah, we have. Um, Mia, I need to talk to you about something.
MIA: Of course. What is it, honey?
LORELAI: Well, um, it's really hard, and uh, I should've brought it up ages ago, but Sookie and I are thinking of making a change.
MIA: A change?
LORELAI: We're going to open our own inn.
MIA: Oh!
LORELAI: I mean, we've talked about it for a long time and it seems like the time is right and
Oh Mia, I love the Independence Inn and Sookie loves it too and we both love you so much.
MIA: I know.
LORELAI: But it just feels like something we need to do and
you hate me.
MIA: No I don't.
LORELAI: I'm letting you down. I'm walking out. I'm being ungrateful.
MIA: Lorelai, stop. Do you think I was naïve enough to think that you'd work for me forever? You and Sookie have more talent for this business than I do. And I'm very good. You're going to open an incredible place, and if you don't let me help you in any way I can, then I'll be very mad.
LORELAI: Of course, we need your help. We'd be lost without your help.
MIA: Good. I was just wondering, what's the time frame for this big move?
LORELAI: Well, we're waiting for this perfect location to free up, that's all that's delaying us. But I promise you'll have plenty of notice and I'll be there to find our replacements and train them.
MIA: Oh yes, that's very sweet of you, but I'm wondering if you could possibly make it sooner rather than later?
LORELAI: What?
MIA: Well, you see, your leaving gives me the perfect excuse to finally sell the place.
LORELAI: Sell the place?
MIA: Oh, I get offers all the time, lucrative ones, but I never even considered it because. . . oh, of course I love the inn, but I just couldn't do that to you. And now that you have this big change coming up in your life, it might be time for one in mine.
LORELAI: Oh. Good, uh, good. Then it all works out good.
MIA: Actually, it's very good!
LORELAI: Okay. Well
good.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai sits at a table in the lobby organizing placecards as Sookie walks over to her with a piece of paper]
LORELAI: Hey.
SOOKIE: Hey. So I'm working on the menu for the Duncan wedding.
LORELAI: I can't read that.
SOOKIE: I know. I had it all typed up nice and neat to begin with but on the drive into work, I got an inspiration. I just started crossing it out and writing in the new stuff. And it ain't easy writing and driving, and
I can't read that. What is that - cumin?
LORELAI: Sookie, I can't read that either.
SOOKIE: Oh. I'll just get you a new one. Hey, how did your talk with Mia go?
LORELAI: Fine. Good. She took it like you said she would - classy.
SOOKIE: She is classy. Good, good. That's a relief. It is a relief right? I mean, you said she took it good?
LORELAI: Yes she did.
SOOKIE: But you look upset.
LORELAI: She's gonna sell the inn.
SOOKIE: You're kidding.
LORELAI: No, she said she gets offers and she thinks this might be kind of fortuitous timing for her.
SOOKIE: Well, great, so everybody wins, that's good. Look happy. Okay, this does not look happy.
LORELAI: I just don't understand how she can do this.
SOOKIE: What's the big deal?
LORELAI: The big deal is
she's not gonna sell it to another Mia. It's gonna be a big chain, and they'll come marching in with their business models and their corporate approved architects and designers, and change everything around and remodel, and the place will lose all its personality and charm.
SOOKIE: Well, I hope they don't do that, but hey, our place is gonna be full of charm.
LORELAI: So you don't care what happens to this place?
SOOKIE: Of course I do, but it's not up to me. I mean, I can't control that. The only thing we can control is what our inn's gonna be like.
LORELAI: I guess.
SOOKIE: You guess what?
LORELAI: We'll see.
SOOKIE: We'll see what?
LORELAI: It's just a little short sided to just write off this place when we haven't even bought Fran's yet and, hey, we don't know if we will.
[Lorelai walks to the dining room, Sookie follows her.]
SOOKIE: We don't? Why wouldn't we? Lorelai. Is this about Fran's life expectancy because I
LORELAI: No Sookie, it's about the fact that we haven't even looked at any other places and we don't know if that's necessarily the right one and we have to be very practical about this.
SOOKIE: But it's the perfect location. We all said so.
LORELAI: Well, you can't get emotionally attached to any of our decisions about the inn. This is business. You've got to stay detached.
SOOKIE: But we are all so not detached. But
okay, do you have another location in mind?
LORELAI: Not really.
SOOKIE: Do you wanna look for a new location?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, like I have all this time to go looking for other locations.
SOOKIE: Well, I don't know. Should we try to buy this place?
LORELAI: Aha. This place is five times what we can afford.
SOOKIE: So what do we do?
LORELAI: I don't know. It's on hold, I guess.
SOOKIE: Well, it's been on hold for years. We were moving forward.
LORELAI: Yes, well, I'm looking at the economy right now and I'm thinking, I don't know if the timing's good.
SOOKIE: Okay, that's not fair because I don't know anything about the economy.
LORELAI: Oh, well then good thing you hooked up with me because it's not looking good.
SOOKIE: Okay, what happened?
LORELAI: What do you mean, what happened?
SOOKIE: We had a vision, we had a plan. You're the one that got this whole ball rolling again, and I jumped on the ball, and then we were rolling on the ball together and then you hopped off the ball, and I'm still on the ball. And I'm confused, 'cause I see it, and I see our vision, and you saw it too up until today!
LORELAI: Well, I know you would like things to be simple and straightforward but unfortunately things are more complicated.
SOOKIE: Okay, that's why we'd be partners. If something gets too heavy for the one person, the other one's there to pick up the slack.
LORELAI: Yes, well that's great in theory, but I gotta tell you, my back is aching from all the extra slack I'm taking up!
SOOKIE: What did I do that's so wrong?
LORELAI: Let's not get into this stuff.
SOOKIE: No, get into it.
LORELAI: Well, you're not the most reliable person in the world or the most punctual.
SOOKIE: You've always known that about me.
LORELAI: Yes, but now, getting into business, it's not so cute. It could hurt us. I mean, you were late for the Fran meeting, you're constantly changing every menu you ever set, even after you've started making it.
SOOKIE: I don't believe this! Before it was kudos to me for my attention to detail. I was the maestro.
LORELAI: That's fine for an established place like the Independence, but you do that stuff at our place, it could wipe us out. Profit margins in a new business are slim, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Just stop. Just stop. Now you're talking down to me.
LORELAI: I'm not talking down to you, I'm trying to explain.
SOOKIE: Yes you are. Yes you are, and I don't know why you are, but I don't want to start crying in front of you because it'll just give you one more thing to point at to say, 'Look, she's too emotional and she's too weak for me to go into business with,' so I'm leaving. And I'll see you tomorrow, if I can remember to show up.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Rory and Dean are walking down the street.]
DEAN: Hey, I gotta drop by the market.
RORY: But it's your day off.
DEAN: Yeah, it's to get my paycheck. If I don't get it by four, Taylor locks it in a safe and it's on some kind of timer and then when I complain, he lectures me about promptly putting checks in the back and the theories of compound interest, and then my head hurts from all the nodding I do even though I don't listen
RORY: Go, go!
DEAN: I'll just be a minute.
[Dean walks into the market. Rory waits outside. Jess walks up to her.]
JESS: Should you be standing here all alone? I hear this is a pretty dangerous corner.
RORY: I'm fine.
JESS: Feeling succinct today?
RORY: Pretty much.
JESS: Hmm. Did I do something to offend?
RORY: Me?
JESS: Yeah.
RORY: No.
JESS: Good.
RORY: You might want to ask that same question to Luke though.
JESS: Meaning?
RORY: You've got this whole town down on him.
JESS: Really? How did I do that?
RORY: You know how you did that.
JESS: I'm not really familiar with the blue book laws in this town, so you can be talking about a lot of things. Dropping a gum wrapper, strolling arm in arm with a member of the opposite sex on a Sunday. [Rory gestures to the chalk outline] Ah. What about it?
RORY: You did it. The whole town knows you did it. They had a meeting about it.
JESS: You actually went to that bizarro town meeting? Those things are so 'To k*ll a Mockingbird.'
RORY: Yes, I went. And Luke went. And when he got there, everyone ganged up on him. They all want you gone.
JESS: Wow, bummer.
RORY: And he's standing there yelling at everyone and defending you and paying Taylor back for his lettuce losses
JESS: Wait, his what?
RORY: And now Luke's a pariah and it's all because of you! What a shock, you don't care about any of this.
JESS: I didn't say that.
RORY: Go. I'm tired of talking to you.
JESS: Fine. [starts to walk away]
RORY: You care nothing about Luke and his feelings!
JESS: Got a second wind, huh? [walks back over to Rory]
RORY: All he does is stick up for you and all you do is make his life harder. I guess that's what you have to do when you're trying to be Holden Caulfield but I think it stinks. Luke has done a lot for my mom and a lot for me, and I don't like to see him att*cked. Okay, second wind over.
JESS: I didn't know they were coming down so hard on him.
RORY: Funny, I never pegged you as clueless, my mistake.
JESS: Okay. I get it. No, no, I do, I get it. So did you at least think it was funny?
RORY: That is so not the point.
JESS: Ah, you thought it was funny.
[Dean walks out of the market]
DEAN: I got it. Oh, uh, hey.
RORY: Um Dean, I don't think you two have met. This is Jess. This is Dean.
JESS: Boyfriend?
RORY: Of course.
JESS: Sorry, you didn't say. How ya doing?
DEAN: Good, good.
RORY: Okay, see you around.
JESS: Seems to turn out that way, doesn't it?
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory walk up to the front door]
RORY: I wonder if Grandpa's still in Akron?
LORELAI: Well for Akron's sake, I hope he's moved on to Boise. [rings doorbell; the maid answers] Hi. We're the daughter and the granddaughter.
[they walk inside]
RORY: You are majorly crabby.
LORELAI: I just have a headache.
EMILY: Oh Good! Come, come, come, it's all done, and it's great.
CUT TO STUDY
[they walk in and Emily shows them Rory's portrait]
EMILY: Tada.
RORY: Whoa.
EMILY: What do you think?
RORY: It's freaky.
EMILY: Freaky?
RORY: Well, just seeing me here, up on the wall like that, it's uh. . . I like it though. It's good, I guess. I should probably take myself out of the judging process.
EMILY: I think Richard's just gonna love it. It's the perfect thing, don't you think?
LORELAI: Mm hmm.
EMILY: You've got to admit, it turned out better than you thought it would.
LORELAI: Yeah.
EMILY: Well, come on, say a little more than that.
LORELAI: It's great Mom, it's fabulous. It's just a notch below Rembrandt.
EMILY: Well, you don't have to take that attitude.
LORELAI: What do you want from me? I'd light some sparklers and jump up and down yelling 'Yay for the painting' but I'm fresh out of sparklers and my feet hurt too much to jump. But I promise next week when I have more energy, I'll write a love song for the chandelier.
[Emily leaves the room]
RORY: Mom.
[Lorelai follows Emily]
CUT TO KITCHEN
[Lorelai walks over to Emily]
LORELAI: Hey, how dare you walk away from me when I'm being a world class jerk to you. The painting's great Mom, really.
EMILY: Thank you.
LORELAI: I really like it. It's so natural that she's reading which is great, and she's not sitting next to a goose or a giant tortoise, which is good, and Dad is gonna love it. It's a good thing you did here.
EMILY: You can be so harsh sometimes, and I just don't know where it comes from or what I've done to deserve it.
LORELAI: You did nothing.
EMILY: Well, I must've done something.
LORELAI: Oh, I've been...it's just been a bad week. Sookie and I were moving forward with plans to open our inn, and we had huge fight. And we've never had a huge fight, let alone a fight, and awful things were said and it all started when Mia showed up for a visit and I told her about our plans and she's talking about selling the Independence Inn and it just wigged me out a little. It's stupid, I don't know, but that was our home for so long, mine and Rory's. And it's just weird to think that it wouldn't be there and Mia wouldn't be there and I wouldn't be there, and I just got very upset. Anyway, I'm rambling. The painting's really great. Will you accept my apology?
EMILY: Yes, yes I will. I've had bad days too.
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: Well, we should get back to Rory.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai sits at the kitchen table as Luke walks in.]
LUKE: Okay, I'm pretty much done.
LORELAI: Thanks for doing this. I didn't want the rain to destroy your beautiful chuppah. And I looked and looked in the yellow pages and I didn't see a chuppah waterproofer listing anywhere.
[Luke holds up a broken wooden goat]
LUKE: How about chuppah goat figure repairman?
LORELAI: Gilbert.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: The goat. We named him Gilbert, he's headless. Can you fix him?
LUKE: Yeah, I got some glue here. I can fix him.
LORELAI: Good. I'll make some tea.
LUKE: So, Sookie stopped at the diner this morning.
LORELAI: Oh.
LUKE: I asked her how your plans were going with the new inn, and she very awkwardly changed the subject to women's basketball.
LORELAI: Huh.
LUKE: She's never shown much interest in sports before.
LORELAI: No?
LUKE: What's going on with that?
LORELAI: Oh well, you know, women's basketball is getting super popular. That's good, I think. The tall girls need an outlet. We had a fight. A big, humongous fight. She's never going to speak to me again.
LUKE: What happened?
LORELAI: I just flat out panicked about the enormity of what we were getting into and it clobbered me, and I clobbered Sookie, and was such a jerk. Hey, if I cry, will it freak you out?
LUKE: Totally.
LORELAI: What if I whimper?
LUKE: How about you suck it up?
LORELAI: Hmm, I'll try.
LUKE: I don't get it. You're as ready as you've ever been.
LORELAI: Oh Luke, do not underestimate the complete and total lack of confidence I have in my abilities.
LUKE: What? You're the most confident person I know. Obnoxiously so.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: I mean in a good way. You're good at what you do and you know it.
LORELAI: Oh, no, no, no. I'm good at doing what I have to do. When I had to get a job, I got it. When I had to find a house for us and a life for us, I got it. When I had to get Rory into Chilton, I did it. But I don't have to leave the Independence Inn. I don't have to go into business for myself, I don't have to walk out on that limb and risk everything I've worked for.
LUKE: Then do it.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Just say where you are.
LORELAI: What is this, reverse psychology?
LUKE: No, just stay at the inn. You're happy there.
LORELAI: Oh, so you think I can't hack it.
LUKE: Of course you can hack it.
LORELAI: Great, lip service, that's what I need.
LUKE: Hey, if I start to cry, will it freak you out?
LORELAI: Ugh. I couldn't stay where I am if I wanted. Mia is selling the inn. And that h*t me hard too, maybe harder than the other thing. I'm gonna be without a home.
LUKE: What do you mean? This is your home.
LORELAI: No, I mean a home home. A memory home. The inn is where Rory took her first step. It's where I took my first step. It's more of a home to me more than my parents' house ever was.
LUKE: You're just scared. Just like everybody else when they're taking on something big.
LORELAI: Well, then what does everybody else do to get through this feeling?
LUKE: They run in the back, throw up, pass out and then smack their head on the floor.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: That's what I did on the first morning I opened the diner. Look, there is no button to push to get you through this. You just gotta jump in and be scared and stick with it until it gets fun.
LORELAI: How long 'til the diner got fun?
LUKE: About a year.
LORELAI: Wow. And there's no button?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: How about a lever, can I pull a lever?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: Turn a knob?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: You just jump?
LUKE: You just jump.
LORELAI: I wanna do it.
LUKE: You should do it. Check it out. [holds up the fixed wooden goat]
LORELAI: Gilbert. You're not worse for the wear.
LUKE: I'll go reattach him. How'd this happen anyway?
LORELAI: Oh, something must've smacked into him with a hedger.
LUKE: Uh huh, well, no one'll ever know. Oh, and uh, women's basketball is in season. You might wanna run that news past Sookie, and maybe you can go to a game or something.
LORELAI: Yeah. Or something. Thanks.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Sookie is at the stove cooking as Lorelai walks over to her.]
LORELAI: Hi.
SOOKIE: Hi.
LORELAI: Mm. Meat loaf, mashed potatoes, stuffing. Comfort food, huh?
SOOKIE: I thought it would be good with the weather changing like this, but if you don't think it's right I can make something else. Although I'm right on schedule and on budget so a change would kinda throw things off. Your call.
LORELAI: No, no, everything looks great. Hey Sookie.
SOOKIE: Yeah?
LORELAI: I'm sorry about what happened. I said stupid things, and I said them for reasons that have nothing to do with you and I hate myself for doing it and I know you do too, and I am sorry.
SOOKIE: It's okay.
LORELAI: No it isn't. You are a brilliant chef and to think that you should do things differently from how you do them now is ridiculous. You don't tell a great violinist to hold his bow differently. You don't tell a great cymbal player to crash his cymbals differently. You just let them play.
SOOKIE: There are great cymbal players?
LORELAI: Theoretically.
SOOKIE: Okay, well, it's okay.
LORELAI: I wanna go ahead with our plans. Forget my freak out. Pretend it didn't happen. Let's move forward.
SOOKIE: Well
LORELAI: You don't want to move forward?
SOOKIE: No, I do. But I need your promise you're not gonna lose it on me again.
LORELAI: I promise.
SOOKIE: 'Cause I couldn't take losing a business partner and my best friend in one fail swoop. It'd be too much.
LORELAI: Sookie, I will place my hand on whatever you want and swear that you can trust that I will not lose confidence in our dream.
SOOKIE: That's good enough 'cause I know you don't like to put your hand on things.
LORELAI: We're gonna give it our best sh*t.
SOOKIE: And if we go down after two years
LORELAI: Oh, it'll be the most exciting two years of our lives!
CUT TO LOBBY
[Mia is talking to a man as Emily walks into the inn.]
MAN: How about antiques?
MIA: Absolutely, it's the best place for antiques. Michel will have a map for you if you need it.
MAN: Thank you.
[the man walks away as Mia walks over to Emily]
MIA: Hello, can I help you?
EMILY: No, thank you. I just
MIA: Yes?
EMILY: I just wanted to meet the woman who helped raise my daughter.
MIA: Emily.
EMILY: Yes, I'm Emily Gilmore.
MIA: I've wanted to meet you too for a very long time.
EMILY: Well, that's nice.
MIA: Would you like to sit down? Or have something to eat? Have lunch with me, won't you?
EMILY: No, thank you. You have a lovely place here. It's a beautiful hotel. It's not a home, but still, a beautiful hotel.
MIA: Sometimes home is where your hat is.
EMILY: Or where your family is.
MIA: Yes, that too. You sure you don't want some tea? Tea usually makes things like this a little less awkward. There's things to hold and stir.
EMILY: I don't know why I came here.
MIA: You wanted to meet me.
EMILY: After all these years, it makes no sense.
MIA: I expected you to come eventually.
EMILY: Did you?
MIA: Mm hmm.
EMILY: And what did you expect to say to me when I did come?
MIA: When Lorelai showed up on my porch that day with a tiny baby in her arms, I thought to myself, what if this were my daughter, and she was cold and scared and needed a place to live? What would I want for her? And then I thought, I'd want her to find somebody to take her in and make her safe and help her find her way.
EMILY: That's funny. I would've wanted her to find someone who would send her home. I have to go. I'd appreciate if you didn't mention this to Lorelai.
MIA: I won't.
[Emily walks to the door, then stops]
EMILY: Do you have pictures, from back then?
MIA: I'll send you a box full tomorrow.
EMILY: Thank you.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory sit at a table eating]
LORELAI: Oh man, it's such a relief to have that Sookie thing fixed.
RORY: I know. I hate fighting with friends.
LORELAI: That's what enemies are for.
RORY: And God knows we have our share of those.
LORELAI: People who eat crunchy food with their mouths open.
RORY: People who dog ear library books.
LORELAI: People who spit when they talk.
RORY: Oh gross, you got me in the eye!
LORELAI: I did not.
RORY: You totally did!
LORELAI: You're full of it.
RORY: Luke, where's my toast?
LUKE: Ah, it's gonna take awhile. My big toaster's broken so I got stuck with just this dinky one.
[Jess pushes down the handle on the big toaster, showing Luke that it works]
LUKE: How did that happen?
JESS: You're gonna break that.
LUKE: It was broken before.
JESS: Well it must've got better.
LUKE: Inanimate objects don't usually get better. Did you fix this?
JESS: Please.
LUKE: Jess.
JESS: I have no idea what you're babbling about. I don't fix things.
LUKE: But yesterday
JESS: I got school.
[Rory smiles at Jess as he leaves]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x08 - The Ins and Outs of Inns"} | foreverdreaming |
2.09 - Run Away, Little Boy
written by John Stephens
directed by Danny Leiner
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks in the front door]
LORELAI: I'm back!
RORY: Kitchen!
LORELAI: Mmkay, I couldn't make up my mind so I got 'The Shining' and 'Bringing Up Baby.' Now, I know you're thinking, one's a movie about a homicidal parent and the other one's . . . .hello.
[Sookie and Rory are standing in front of the kitchen table.]
SOOKIE: Hi.
RORY: Hi Mom.
LORELAI: What'd you break?
SOOKIE: Nothing. Well, the broiler. But this came for you and Max.
[Sookie and Rory move apart to reveal a gift on the table.]
RORY: We're thinking it's a wedding present.
LORELAI: Huh. Mmm. Lorelai Gilmore and Max Medina. Well, I guess news doesn't always travel fast.
SOOKIE: You gonna open it?
LORELAI: No.
SOOKIE: But aren't you curious?
LORELAI: No. Just leave it there. I'll take it back tomorrow.
RORY: But there's not a return address.
LORELAI: Well isn't there a card?
RORY: Nope. Maybe there's one inside.
SOOKIE: With the return address on it.
RORY: But that means you'd have to open it to find out.
LORELAI: Fine, give me a Kn*fe.
SOOKIE: Ooh! This is so exciting! Maybe not.
[Lorelai cuts open the package and they tear the paper off]
RORY: An ice cream maker!
SOOKIE: A Musso Lussino 480!
LORELAI: Somebody sent me a fascist ice cream maker?
SOOKIE: Italian design, stainless steel body, chrome finish.
LORELAI: And no card. Perfect.
SOOKIE: Jackson just got in his apple crop! We can make cider ice cream!
LORELAI: Yes we can, using his ice cream maker, but Il Duce here is going back.
RORY: To where? Maybe it's an orphan.
SOOKIE: That's right. We'd be giving it a home.
LORELAI: Okay, once again, I bring up the fact that this is a wedding present, and as I am not getting married, neither God's law nor Emily Post allows me to keep this.
RORY: But isn't there a rule about late presents?
SOOKIE: Like if it arrives after a certain date, the giver forfeits all rights of return.
RORY: Exactly.
LORELAI: Nice try.
SOOKIE: It's true. I saw it on Martha Stewart. She was doing one of those double programs, and the first half was on massaging your dog, and she had this chow and she was rubbing it
LORELAI: Sookie.
SOOKIE: But the second half was about gifts, and she said that if it arrives after ten weeks
RORY: Eight.
SOOKIE:
eight weeks, that you don't have to return it.
LORELAI: Okay, clearly this is shaping up to be one of those moments that St. Peter's gonna show on the big video screen when I die, and I for one do not wanna see the three of us staggering around with cider ice cream slathered all over our faces while my soul hangs in the balance, so until I can find out who sent this, no one goes near it. And we're watching 'The Shining.' [leaves kitchen]
SOOKIE: I bet Max would let us keep it.
OPENING CREDITS
CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM
TEACHER: Believe it or not, Shakespeare probably never intended his plays to be read by students sitting at decks more concerned with getting A's than with the fate of Macbeth. His plays were meant to be experienced, lived. So with that in mind, together with my third period Shakespeare, you'll be split up into five groups and each group will assume responsibility for one act of Romeo and Juliet, which will be performed a week from Sunday. You will nominate the director, you will cast the scene, rehearse the scene, and interpret the scene in your own individual manner. Last year, we did Richard the Third. One group did their scene as the Mafiosi. Another set theirs during the Roman Empire. And my favorite, the climactic last scene was set during the final days of the Sonny and Cher show. Just remember, whatever interpretation you choose should highlight the themes you see in the scene. And if the love of the Bard's language still doesn't inspire you, remember this will be fifty percent of your final grade.
MADELINE: Act five.
LOUISE: Act five.
PARIS: Act five?
RORY: Act five.
PARIS: Why don't they just sew our sides together and rename us Chang and Eng?
CUT TO HALLWAY
HENRY: Rory.
RORY: Henry, hi.
HENRY: Hey. Act three, sword fight. You?
RORY: Oh, Act five, death scene.
HENRY: Nice. So, uh, tonight, 8 o'clock?
RORY: I'll tell Lane.
[Paris walks up to them]
PARIS: Rory, sorry to interrupt. Hi Henry. But see, we're all standing over there trying to map out a game plan and a rehearsal schedule, and I'm sure whatever the two of you are talking about over here is so much more fascinating and important and, well gosh, let's just say it, fun. But I'd really like to get an 'A' on this assignment, and in order to do that I'm afraid you're gonna have to discuss your sock hops and your clambakes some other time, okay? Thanks. [walks away]
HENRY: That was scary.
RORY: It's gonna be a lot scarier when she gets an megaphone in her hands.
[cut down the hallway to Paris, Madeline and Louise. Rory walks over to them]
PARIS: So, I say we meet in the cafeteria. The acoustics are very similar to the Grand Hall, and. . . oh, well look who showed up.
RORY: Sorry.
PARIS: Save it.
LOUISE: Well, well, well. Look who's back from suspension.
RORY: Tristin got suspended again?
PARIS: Oh, like you hadn't noticed he'd been gone?
RORY: What did he do?
MADELINE: Took apart Mr. McCaffey's car and put it back together in the science building hallway.
RORY: You're kidding.
LOUISE: Yeah, well he didn't do it by himself. Duncan and Bowman were there too.
MADELINE: Plus the mechanics that they paid to do the actual work.
PARIS: Hey, anyone stupid enough to hand out with Butch Cassidy and the Sun-dunce kid deserves whatever they get.
RORY: How did he fall in with those guys?
MADELINE: The new year started and there they were, all three of them, side by side.
LOUISE: And practically dressing the same.
MADELINE: It's very On the Town.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is on the couch talking on the phone.]
LORELAI: Aunt Bobby, hi. It's Lorelai, Richard and Emily's girl. Um, I'm the one with. . . yeah, that's right. Wow, you don't hear the word wedlock much anymore.
RORY: I'm home!
LORELAI: Uh huh, uh huh, really? The Bible said all that, huh? Did it, did it mention me by name? I'm just. . .okay, I'm just kidding. So, um, judging by your Billy Graham impression, I am guessing that you didn't send me an ice cream maker, so maybe you could just give me Aunt Clarissa's phone number? Oh no, I hadn't heard. That's terrible. Uh huh. Well, then I guess she had it coming, didn't she? Hey, listen, I'd love to chat about who else is the family is currently or soon to be headed for hell, but I've gotta run, so I promise to call in the next twenty years, okay? Bye bye. [hangs up] How scary is it that my parents are turning our to be the normal ones in the family?
RORY: No luck?
LORELAI: Well, I still have the, uh, Pennsylvania Gilmores, but how was your day?
RORY: I have to perform Act Five of Romeo and Juliet with Paris, Madeline, and Louise.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: Paris has appointed herself as director.
LORELAI: Nice. What part are you playing?
RORY: I don't know yet. She's still mulling over the screen tests right now. We're gonna find out tomorrow.
LORELAI: Screen tests?
RORY: 24 takes.
LORELAI: Ah, I so want a copy.
RORY: Forget it.
LORELAI: Sell it on the Internet, make a fortune. First we brought you Pamela and Tommy Lee, now prepare yourselves for the crazy antics of Rory and the Bard!
RORY: Oh, and I told Paris that you would make all of our costumes so she wants to have a concept meeting with you tomorrow at three.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Yeah, she needs a resume and samples of your previous work and, uh, referrals.
LORELAI: And my bare butt to kiss.
RORY: If you think that will set you apart from the other applicants, yes. Hey, I didn't know that there was someone in our family named Bunny.
LORELAI: Oh, cross her off the list.
RORY: Poor Bunny. [phone rings] Hello?
HENRY: Hey.
RORY: Henry, hi.
HENRY: Am I late?
RORY: No, right on time. Hold on.
LORELAI: Hey hon, I'm heading for class. There's pizza-slash-Luke's money on the table for dinner.
RORY: Thank you.
[Rory puts Henry on hold and calls Lane; at Lane's house, Mrs. Kim answers the phone]
MRS. KIM: Kim's Antiques.
RORY: Hello Mrs. Kim, this is Rory. May I please speak with Lane?
MRS. KIM: Lane is studying.
LANE: Wait, Mama. Mama, is that for me?
MRS. KIM: Why?
LANE: Well, I was just expecting a call from Rory and I thought. . .
MRS. KIM: You do your math?
LANE: Yes.
MRS. KIM: History?
LANE: Yes.
MRS. KIM: Biology?
LANE: No.
MRS. KIM: Why?
LANE: Well, I'm not taking biology.
MRS. KIM: Why?
LANE: I took it last year.
MRS. KIM: And that's it? One year and you know all there is to know.
LANE: Well, I. . .
MRS. KIM: Tomorrow we look into private school.
LANE: Mama, please, the phone.
MRS. KIM: Five minutes. I'm counting.
LANE: Hello?
RORY: Lane. Hold on. Henry?
HENRY: Here.
RORY: Lane?
LANE: Here.
RORY: Okay guys, talk to you later. [hangs up]
LANE: So, Rory, how are you?
HENRY: I'm good, how are you doing?
[back at Lorelai's house]
LORELAI: Okay, I'm gone. Hey, um, do me a favor, make some of those calls for me.
RORY: Don't you think you may be going a little far with this?
LORELAI: What do you mean?
RORY: I mean, I understand that you wanna return the ice cream maker, but you did make an honest effort to get in touch with the person that sent this to you, and. . .
LORELAI: It's called closure, hon. I need it, okay?
RORY: Okay. Uncle Randolph. Oh, sorry guys. They'll be off in a sec.
LORELAI: Okay, don't wait too long. I think Randolph was Bunny's older brother.
RORY: Got it.
CUT TO BUSINESS CLASS
[Lorelai gets a burrito from the vending machine in the break room. A man walks over to her.]
PAUL: One again, ladies and gentlemen, she takes the last burrito.
LORELAI: And hello to you too.
PAUL: Week after week, how do you do it?
LORELAI: I told you, correct change. You go in for that dollar bill nonsense, you'll be standing there for ten minutes watching it. Ehhh. Eh eh eh.
PAUL: And here I thought you had a special relationship with this vending machine.
LORELAI: Only in the sense that it keeps me alive.
PAUL: I actually have theory on that.
LORELAI: Uh oh.
PAUL: You know, ever since we were children, we got our nourishment from our mothers.
LORELAI: Okay, are you trying to gross me out so I can't eat my burrito?
PAUL: And now, we're getting it from machines.
LORELAI: Your point being?
PAUL: I think it's a conspiracy getting us ready for the day we're all gonna be raised by machines. No human contact whatsoever.
LORELAI: You know my mother, don't you?
PAUL: The, uh, Twilight Zone marathon was on all week.
LORELAI: So all of this is a way of saying you wanna look at my notes on the reading.
PAUL: Such perception.
LORELAI: And in one so young and beautiful. Frightening, isn't it?
PAUL: You know, I feel bad about doing this every week.
LORELAI: Really? I would've thought you would've gotten used to it by now.
PAUL: Come on Lorelai. I gotta pay you back somehow. How about you let me take you out to dinner one night?
LORELAI: Dinner?
PAUL: Yeah, maybe even somewhere that doesn't require correct change, unless you're firmly into the whole coin thing, then I know a good automat.
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know.
PAUL: Well, I was kidding about the whole automat.
LORELAI: No, an automat's fine. Um, it's just, uh, my schedule's kinda crazy for the next couple weeks.
PAUL: Okay. Well, it's just a thought. But if you suddenly get an opening, give me a call. [hands her a business card]
LORELAI: Oh, great, sure, thanks. Enjoy the notes.
PAUL: Thank you. Enjoy the burrito.
CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA
[Rory walks over to the table where Madeline, Louise, and a boy are sitting.]
RORY: Hey.
MADELINE: Hey.
LOUISE: We're the Monkees.
RORY: Where's Paris?
MADELINE: She'll be here in a minute. She said she had to get some things.
RORY: [to boy] Hi, I'm Rory.
BRAD: I'm Brad. From the third period Shakespeare.
LOUISE: He's the answer to our lack of boys problem. Isn't that swell?
RORY: Well, maybe we should start.
MADELINE: Without Paris?
LOUISE: Ooh, that could be lethal.
RORY: We could at least decide on what motif we want to do.
[Paris walks in carrying a box]
PARIS: We're doing traditional Elizabethan.
RORY: Elizabethan? But I thought the point of this was to . . .
PARIS: The point is to get an A, not to make Romeo and Juliet into a Vegas lounge act. Besides, we have the death scene. It's classic, it's famous. Who are you?
BRAD: I'm, uh, Brad. From the third period Shakespeare, ma'am.
PARIS: Okay. Now I want everyone to read the chapters on acting I photocopied out of Houseman's Memoirs tonight. Everyone will be off book by Friday, and if you plan on missing rehearsal, you better bring a coroner's note.
[Paris places a sword on the table]
RORY: Tell me you didn't just have that lying around.
PARIS: We're short on boys. That makes you Romeo. Louise, you can play the Friar.
LOUISE: Excuse me?
[Tristin walks in and sits down at their table]
TRISTIN: Well, well, the g*ng's all here.
PARIS: This is a meeting.
TRISTIN: Yeah, sorry I'm late.
PARIS: What do you think you're doing?
TRISTIN: Uh, Professor Anderson forgot to include me when she made up the groups, so she told me to pick one.
PARIS: Fine, you have four other acts to choose from. Take your pick.
TRISTIN: Yeah, well Summer's in act 1, Beth and Jessica are in act 2, Kate's in act 3, and uh, Claire, Kathy, and Mary are in act 4. So this is the only one free of ex-girlfriends.
PARIS: So we're being punished for our good taste?
TRISTIN: Oh, Paris, you hurt me. Do you no longer have any need for me at all?
LOUISE: Yes, we have great need. You can be our Romeo.
RORY: Brad is Romeo!
LOUISE: Put in your other contact Grandma. Tristin is Romeo. Brad can be the second guard on the left.
PARIS: No.
MADELINE: She's kinda right, Paris. Tristin was born to be Romeo.
PARIS: Hey, I'm the director and I'll decide who's born to be what, and Brad is Romeo.
LOUISE: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
PARIS: What'd you say?
LOUISE: Just perhaps that someone is letting her personal feeling interfere with her leadership.
PARIS: My only feeling is that I don't wanna give the most important part to someone who can't even manage to stay in school.
LOUISE: I'm just gonna say one thing: fifty percent of our final grade.
TRISTIN: Is there gonna be any scratching involved, or is this just a verbal thing?
PARIS: What do you think about this?
RORY: Well, how are you at speaking in front of a lot of people?
BRAD: I tend to throw up.
PARIS: Fine, but I swear, you flake on this and you'll pray you get suspended.
TRISTIN: I gotta run. Are we done here?
PARIS: Rehearsal, tomorrow night.
LOUISE: Good. So now Brad can be Friar Tuck and I can be Juliet.
PARIS: Wrong.
LOUISE: Hey.
PARIS: Juliet's supposed to be chaste.
LOUISE: Oh.
MADELINE: Then . . .
PARIS: And she has more than three lines.
MADELINE: Oh.
RORY: Oh no.
PARIS: Too late.
RORY: It can't be too late, we haven't done anything yet.
PARIS: You're Juliet. You're the best public speaker here, you've definitely got that waif thing down, and you'll look great d*ad. Next order of business. I did some location scouting this morning, and I think the courtyard outside. . . .
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Sookie carries a plate of pancakes over to Michel]
SOOKIE: Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry pancakes.
MICHEL: Are there twelve?
SOOKIE: Twelve what?
MICHEL: Blueberries. I can only have twelve blueberries for breakfast.
SOOKIE: Or what?
MICHEL: What do you mean, or what?
SOOKIE: What happens if you eat thirteen blueberries?
MICHEL: Well this is a silly conversation.
SOOKIE: Would you die?
MICHEL: Just hand me the plate.
SOOKIE: Only if you don't count.
MICHEL: I won't count.
SOOKIE: Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's Child break up if I count these blueberries.'
MICHEL: Pick another group.
SOOKIE: Nope.
MICHEL: I hate you! Hate you!
[Michel walks out of the kitchen as Lorelai carries the ice cream maker in and puts it on the counter]
LORELAI: Wow, I gotta start getting in earlier.
SOOKIE: Hey, I remember you.
LORELAI: I am donating it to the inn.
SOOKIE: Well, honey, that's very thoughtful.
LORELAI: Yes it is.
SOOKIE: But we have an ice cream maker, a professional one. See, that means we can make enough ice cream for everyone in the inn, whereas this little guy
LORELAI: Fernando.
SOOKIE: Fernando, try as he might, can only make enough ice cream for, well, you, so . . .
LORELAI: So we don't need him here?
SOOKIE: No, we don't.
LORELAI: Well can't you find some use for him? I mean, he's new and shiny, and it's not his fault that he's part of the other life that I almost had but don't have now, and kinda don't wanna be reminded of.
SOOKIE: I guess I could put my change in him.
LORELAI: Thank you.
SOOKIE: Honey, can I say something?
LORELAI: sh**t.
SOOKIE: I'm a little concerned about you.
LORELAI: Why?
SOOKIE: You just seem very emotional about this ice cream maker.
LORELAI: I am not.
SOOKIE: You named the ice cream maker.
LORELAI: I name everything.
SOOKIE: You didn't name the toaster.
LORELAI: Poppy.
SOOKIE: You just made that up.
LORELAI: I did not. All right, but admit it, Poppy is a damn good name for a toaster.
SOOKIE: It's been quite awhile since you and Max have broken up
LORELAI: I'm fine Sookie.
SOOKIE: Okay, you're fine. But are you moving on?
LORELAI: Yes, I'm moving on.
SOOKIE: Well, then how many dates have you had post-Max?
LORELAI: What does that have to do with anything?
SOOKIE: I just feel like you're hibernating.
LORELAI: I'm not hibernating.
SOOKIE: Yes you are.
LORELAI: Hey, hey, woo. Look at this skirt, huh? I'm not hibernating.
SOOKIE: Then how many dates have you been on?
LORELAI: I was engaged Sookie, you don't just get over that.
SOOKIE: But you went through your mourning period.
LORELAI: Yes.
SOOKIE: And you said it was over.
LORELAI: It was. . .is.
SOOKIE: Well, are you at least putting the vibe out there so they'll know you're available?
LORELAI: Okay, look, if it'll make you feel any better, okay, I just got asked out the other night.
SOOKIE: What? You're kidding! Who is he?
LORELAI: Some guy from my business class.
SOOKIE: Oh, business class.
LORELAI: He's a pretty cool guy, actually. He's cute, funny, and, um, he's a little younger, but, uh, he's very sharp. You know, we have this little bit going about me stealing his burrito.
SOOKIE: Oh, stealing his burrito. You kids!
LORELAI: No, like a real burrito.
SOOKIE: Oh, stolen his burrito.
LORELAI: Okay, forget the burrito Sookie.
SOOKIE: Fine. When you guys going out?
LORELAI: Well, I didn't exactly say yes.
SOOKIE: Why not? You've already got the skirt.
LORELAI: Because, I don't know, what if it doesn't work out? And then class will be weird, and it'll definitely screw up our burrito bit.
SOOKIE: Aw honey, come on, every guy doesn't have to be the guy.
LORELAI: I don't know. Isn't it too soon for the transition guy?
SOOKIE: Don't think of him as the transition guy. Think of him as the pre-transition guy.
LORELAI: A pre-transition guy? You're allowed that?
SOOKIE: Absolutely.
LORELAI: Wow, I gotta read the rulebook more carefully.
SOOKIE: So?
LORELAI: So. . . I will call him later tonight.
SOOKIE: Great! That's so great!
[Michel comes in and tries to take the pancakes. Sookie grabs his arm.]
SOOKIE: It's all or nothing Sparky.
MICHEL: Damn you!
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai sits at the kitchen table sewing the costumes while Rory walks into the living room talking to Lane on the phone.]
RORY: She's letting you go? That's amazing. What changed her mind?
LANE: I let her watch the Romeo and Juliet movie with Leo and Claire Danes.
RORY: Really? I would've thought she'd hated it.
LANE: Oh, she did. But trust my mom to turn one of the world's great love stories into a cautionary tale of what happens when children disobey their parents.
RORY: So I'm guessing that you're not any closer to telling your parents about Henry.
LANE: I mean, what are the options if I tell them? They hate him, and it's over. They love him, and he therefore becomes odious to me and it's over. Things are working out fine the way they are.
RORY: You mean calling him Rory on the phone in case your mom's listening?
LANE: I've grown fond of my cage Rory.
MRS. KIM: Lane!
LANE: Bye.
RORY: Bye. [hangs up]
[Lorelai walks into the living room wearing the Juliet headpiece.]
LORELAI: What dost my lady think?
RORY: That you're going to be late for the joust?
LORELAI: I meant of thy lovely headdress crafted by thy mother's hand artful hand?
RORY: It pleaseth me mucheth, but uh, hath my beautius mother lookedeth at the time?
LORELAI: Oh crap!
[Lorelai runs upstairs as the phone rings; Rory answers]
RORY: Hello?
PARIS: Two other groups are rehearsing at school in the Grand Hall even though I specifically reserved it for us way in advance and confirmed the reservation twice, but whatever. They're going to be there and I don't want them spying on us.
RORY: I don't think the ending to Romeo and Juliet is exactly a secret.
PARIS: Hello, our interpretation?
RORY: Oh right.
PARIS: I went on the web and I found a site called MissPatty.net. It's in your town.
RORY: There's a MissPatty.net?
PARIS: Have you heard of it?
RORY: Well. . .
PARIS: Is it big enough? The site says it's 720 square feet.
RORY: You know, I'd rather just rehearse somewhere else.
PARIS: Look, I've got enough to worry about without you being embarrassed of where you live.
RORY: I'm not embarrassed. I just want to keep my school life separate from my home life, you know?
PARIS: Tough. Madeline and Louise are already on their way. See you in half an hour.
[Rory hangs up as Lorelai comes down the steps]
LORELAI: Have you seen my bag with the beads and the fur, kind of looks like Stalin's head? Aha.
RORY: We're rehearsing here now.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Our Shakespeare group. Paris didn't want anyone spying on us so now we're rehearsing in Stars Hollow. This sucks.
LORELAI: Well, at least you don't have to drive to Hartford. What's with the face?
RORY: It's just, Tristin is in our group.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, you told me.
RORY: Right, so Tristin, he's in our group, so that means he's in
well, and Dean lives here, so this sucks.
LORELAI: Okay, you know what Vanna? I'm gonna need a few more vowels here.
RORY: I have to tell him.
LORELAI: Tell who?
RORY: Dean?
LORELAI: Tell Dean what?
RORY: That Tristin and I. . .that we kissed at that stupid party.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: I have no choice.
LORELAI: Well
RORY: Because if Tristin sees Dean, he's gonna tell him. And then it's gonna be worse because it's gonna be like I was keeping it from him.
LORELAI: Okay, let's just calm down now.
RORY: Which I was. I was keeping it from him. I can't believe this, now I have to tell him.
LORELAI: You're right.
RORY: I am?
LORELAI: Mm hmm. I think you should tell him.
RORY: Of course, right, I have to.
LORELAI: Yeah. Then at the play, right as Tristin enters to find you d*ad and pulls out the vial of poison to k*ll himself, Dean can leap from the audience and rip his head off, adding a level of reality few productions have ever seen before. You'll get an A. The Actors Studio will go nuts. You'll have James Lipton asking you what your favorite swear word is. It's a great plan.
RORY: You - not helping.
LORELAI: To prevent a homicide? Yes I am.
RORY: I have to tell him. I don't have a choice.
LORELAI: Okay, fine. Try it out on me first.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Pretend I'm Dean. If you're going to tell him this, you'd better have down what you're going to say.
RORY: Seriously?
LORELAI: Seriously.
RORY: Okay. Dean.
LORELAI: Rory. Sorry, serious now.
RORY: Okay, Dean, remember last year when we had broken up, and we weren't together anymore because we had broken up
LORELAI: That's good, mention it three times. Keep going.
RORY: And uh, there was this party, and I went, and, um, Tristin was there. And somehow, I'm not really sure how, we ended up in a room together, and we kissed.
LORELAI: You and Tristin?
RORY: Uh huh.
LORELAI: On the hand?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Cheek?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: He kissed you or you kissed him?
RORY: Kind of both.
LORELAI: So you kissed him?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: When?
RORY: I already told you three times, when we were broken up!
LORELAI: Okay, not a good idea to yell at him right now.
RORY: Sorry.
LORELAI: When during the breakup?
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: I mean, how long after we broke up did you kiss Tristin?
RORY: Uhh, just
the night after we broke up.
LORELAI: You mean the night after I told you I loved you?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: The next night, after I told you I loved you, you kissed Tristin?
RORY: I'm a terrible person!
LORELAI: Hold on.
RORY: He's absolutely right. He told me he loved me and the next night I go and I kiss Tristin.
LORELAI: Hey, that was me, not Dean.
RORY: I hate myself.
LORELAI: You didn't do anything wrong. You were hurt and confused and broken up. You did nothing wrong.
RORY: Tell that to Dean.
LORELAI: No, because we're not telling Dean anything.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Listen to me. I know you are Miss Honesty. I have seen the banner in the closet. But this is the kind of honesty that will only make you feel less guilty, and it's going to hurt Dean very much. It's possibly going to screw up the really good thing you guys have going now. Do you want that?
RORY: No, I don't.
LORELAI: All right then. Relax. Be calm. Everything will be fine.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: I gotta go. Can I ask you one more question? Do you think my hair looks cool?
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: 'Cause, you know, some days I wake up and I'm like, cool. Some days I'm like, could be cooler.
RORY: I won't wait up for you.
LORELAI: Like today I got up and I was like, left side cool, right side not so cool.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Bye.
CUT TO MISS PATTY'S STUDIO
[Miss Patty instructs several older people who lay on mats on the floor]
MISS PATTY: Just listen to your breathing and let the world melt away. And in, and out. And in, and out.
[Paris walks in]
PARIS: Excuse me. We reserved this place for 8 sharp and right now my watch says 8:04.
MISS PATTY: Well, then tell it to go outside and have a smoke. You can't rush a cool down sweetheart.
PARIS: Look, I understand the whole Mystic Pizza, small town, 'we don't let a clock run our lives' thing, but I come from the big city where money talks and I'm paying good money for this place and I have a schedule to keep.
MISS PATTY: Be careful darling, or your face is gonna freeze like that.
[Rory, Louise, Madeline, and Brad walk in]
RORY: Hey.
LOUISE: What's with the cast from Cocoon?
PARIS: Where's Tristin? He said he was coming with you.
MADELINE: Oh, he's here. He just went over to the market.
RORY: What?
LOUISE: He needed cigarettes, just in case we didn't already know that he was bad.
RORY: Umm, I'll be right back.
PARIS: Where are you going?
RORY: I'll just be a sec. [leaves]
PARIS: Okay, now they're just sleeping.
CUT TO INSIDE DOOSE'S MARKET
[Dean is stocking shelves as Tristin walks over to him.]
TRISTIN: Excuse me stockboy, could you tell me where I can find the shortneing? Now that is a fine looking apron. I mean it, I mean, really sensational.
DEAN: What are you doing here?
TRISTIN: Well, to be honest, there's something I wanted to ask you. [picks up two bags of flour] In your professional opinion, which one of these would make my cakes fluffier?
DEAN: You drove all the way out here just to be a jerk. There aren't enough people who can't stand you in Hartford.
TRISTIN: Oh, no. I'm here for Rory.
DEAN: What?
TRISTIN: Yeah, the play. Romeo and Juliet.
DEAN: What about it?
TRISTIN: I'm Romeo, and she's Juliet. Hey, come on, she must've told you. She did tell you, didn't she?
DEAN: Look, I think you better leave.
[Tristin drops a bag of flour on the floor]
TRISTIN: Oops! God I am so sorry. I am such a klutz. Here, let me. This should cover it. [drops some money on the floor]
DEAN: You know what, I hope for Rory's sake that you got an understudy.
[Rory runs up to them]
RORY: Dean, hi!
DEAN: Rory, what is he doing here?
RORY: I need to talk to you.
DEAN: I got something to settle with this guy.
RORY: Outside, please.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory and Dean walk out of the market]
DEAN: All right, I'm outside.
RORY: I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about this before, but Tristin
DEAN: Is playing Romeo to your Juliet. Yeah, I heard.
RORY: But he wasn't even in our group at first, but then no one else wanted him, and then Paris moved the rehearsal spot to here, and she did it today and I didn't have time to tell you.
DEAN: You and Tristin wind up thrown together a lot at that school.
RORY: It's just a project, that's all, nothing more.
DEAN: You and Tristin playing Romeo and Juliet. Perfect. Really, really amazing.
RORY: I know you hate it.
DEAN: Yeah, I hate it. I really hate it.
RORY: But we do the scene on Sunday, and then it's over. And it's back to, Tristin? Who? I don't ... I don't know Tristin.
DEAN: You must mean that young boy who got mysteriously strangled by a Doose's market apron one night.
RORY: I heard about that. Awful. They say drugs were involved. Please don't be mad. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.
DEAN: Sorry about what? You didn't. . .you didn't choose to do this with him, right?
RORY: No, I didn't.
DEAN: Then what do you have to be sorry for?
RORY: That. . .that I didn't tell you about the rehearsal. And that No Doubt is touring with U2. I know you're extremely disappointed in Bono.
DEAN: All right, so, so when's this thing over?
RORY: Sunday.
DEAN: Okay. I'm gonna walk around the block, just get him out of the market.
RORY: Right away.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Rory is sitting at a table eating as Lorelai walks in and sits with her.]
LORELAI: Oh, thank goodness, you ordered. I am starving.
RORY: What are you doing here? I thought you went out to dinner.
LORELAI: Well, I did go out to dinner.
RORY: Then why are you eating mine?
LORELAI: Well, he took me to this darling little place called Minnie's. Very hip, very chic, very small portions.
RORY: So how'd it go?
LORELAI: Well
RORY: Aww.
LORELAI: You know, we talked about all the things we had in common and then the salad came.
RORY: Not a soulmate?
LORELAI: He's never seen Ab Fab.
RORY: Definitely not a soulmate.
LORELAI: Plus, he's outdoorsy. Remember that Meryl Streep movie where she and her family take a rafting trip and then psycho Kevin Bacon forces them to take 'em down the river?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Okay, that's his dream vacation, minus Kevin Bacon.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: Whereas mine is Kevin Bacon, minus the river, so...
RORY: Hey, moving on.
LORELAI: Yeah. But I must say, I'm really glad I went tonight.
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah. I mean, it was fun to kinda get dressed up and have a freshly laundered man open the door for me. And the best part about it was, it was no big deal. I mean, we laughed a little, we hugged goodnight, I'll never date him again, but I do believe the burrito bit will live on. It was a totally casual date. I am now officially a casual dater.
RORY: That's great. And we can celebrate by getting you your own plate of fries.
LORELAI: Huh.
RORY: Hey Luke, can we get another round?
LUKE: Coming right up.
LORELAI: So tell me about the big rehearsal.
RORY: We got off to a shaky start, and Louise acts like she's the priest in a Madonna video, but by the end, we were not half bad.
LORELAI: Good good.
RORY: Tristin ran into Dean.
LORELAI: Ugh, bad bad.
RORY: It's okay though because I pulled them apart without any bloodshed and I explained it all to Dean.
LORELAI: You explained it all to Dean?
RORY: I told him that Tristin wasn't supposed to be in our group and Paris moved the rehearsal to Miss Patty's at the last minute and that's why he didn't know about it.
LORELAI: Oh, that version of all.
RORY: But Dean's fine now.
LORELAI: He's fine?
RORY: He's fine.
LUKE: You want a burger too?
LORELAI: Hmm, no, I'll just have half of hers.
RORY: One burger please.
LUKE: You look all dressed up.
LORELAI: Do I? Because I feel very casual.
[Dean walks into the diner and sits down with them]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hi, you just got off work?
DEAN: Yup.
LORELAI: Hey Dean. Do you want some fries?
DEAN: No, I'm actually going home for dinner. My mom made fried chicken tonight and she saved me some.
LORELAI: Oh, you have a cooking mom.
RORY: That's so nice.
LORELAI: Well, she may make chicken, but is she a casual dater?
RORY: I hope not. She's married.
DEAN: Do I wanna know what either one of you is talking about?
LUKE: Nope.
RORY: My mother casually dated tonight.
DEAN: Oh, well, congratulations.
LORELAI: Thank you. Thank you very much.
DEAN: So, I was wondering what time your rehearsal was tomorrow?
RORY: Five, why?
DEAN: Well, uh, it's my night off and I thought maybe I'd come by and watch.
RORY: Watch what?
DEAN: Watch you.
RORY: Watch me do what?
DEAN: Rehearse.
RORY: Oh. Um, Dean, I think you'd be really bored watching rehearsal.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, I've dozed off twice just listening to her talk about rehearsal.
DEAN: Well, I won't be bored.
RORY: We don't even know our lines yet. You should just come on Sunday.
LORELAI: That's a good idea. After all, Sunday is the day of rest and that's what you'll be doing - resting, 'cause it's boring.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Well, honey, it's not your fault. You didn't write the damn thing.
DEAN: Well, I'll come on Sunday too.
RORY: Okay. But if you're gonna go on Sunday, you don't want to spoil it for yourself.
DEAN: What? It's not like I don't know how it ends.
RORY: Okay, Dean, look
DEAN: Rory, come on. I'll sit in the back, you'll die, and I'll walk you home. It's no big deal, right?
RORY: Right.
DEAN: Good, so I'll see you tomorrow.
RORY: Yup, you sure will.
DEAN: Bye Lorelai.
LORELAI: Bye Dean. [Dean leaves] Oh yeah, he's fine.
CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY
[Rory walks up to Tristin and his friends]
RORY: Excuse me Tristin, can I talk to you for a second?
TRISTIN: [to his friends] I'll meet you guys later, okay? [they walk away] I'm all yours.
RORY: I need to talk to you about something serious.
TRISTIN: Serious, huh? I'm intrigued.
RORY: Dean's coming to rehearsal tonight.
TRISTIN: Wow, are you sure they can spare him? I mean, what if there's a run on baked beans?
RORY: Can you just shut up for five seconds, please? Thank you. Look, as I said, Dean is coming to rehearsal tonight, and I'd like to ask you to promise that you won't say anything to him about what happened.
TRISTIN: What happened?
RORY: At the party?
TRISTIN: At the party?
RORY: Tristin! You and me, at Madeline's party? You had just been kicked to the curb by Summer, and I found you sulking on a piano bench, and I sat down, we talked, and then
we kissed.
TRISTIN: That was you?
RORY: You know what, forget it.
TRISTIN: Hey, Rory.
RORY: There is no point in talking to you. I knew that, yet I tried. Won't happen again.
TRISTIN: You don't want me to tell Dean that we kissed.
RORY: By George, I think he's got it.
TRISTIN: Okay, if that's what you want.
RORY: It is.
TRISTIN: Although, he's gonna find out anyway.
RORY: What?
TRISTIN: Well, come on, you know that when we kiss on stage, it's gonna be pretty obvious that it's not the first time. I'm a good actor, but I can't hide that kind of passion.
RORY: Look, things are really good for me and Dean right now, and I don't want anything to mess that up. Especially not something that meant nothing at all to me and I wished had never happened in the first place.
TRISTIN: So things are going good for you too, huh?
RORY: Yeah, they are.
TRISTIN: Good, that's good.
RORY: So what do you think? You just took those out.
TRISTIN: Well, I changed my mind.
RORY: Are you all right?
TRISTIN: Yeah, I think somehow I'll recover from the great romance between you and the Beave.
RORY: A lot of stuff's been going on with you lately, huh?
TRISTIN: Meaning?
RORY: Just, you know, the car thing, the suspension thing, a lot of drama.
TRISTIN: Well I get bored easily.
RORY: Just doesn't really seem like you.
TRISTIN: And you know me now?
RORY: I know you don't get suspended for stupid pranks.
TRISTIN: I pulled stuff like that before I knew Duncan and Bowman, all right?
RORY: Well, if you did, you didn't get caught. You're getting caught a lot.
TRISTIN: Your point being?
RORY: Maybe Duncan and Bowman aren't the best people to be hanging out with. They're not as smart as you Tristin, they don't have what you have going for you. They
TRISTIN: You know, I'm gonna have to bail before we get to the whole hugging part. And ask your boyfriend to remind me when it's coupon day, okay?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory sit at the counter.]
LORELAI: Taking pity on your burger?
RORY: Not hungry.
LORELAI: Honey, you've got to eat. You're gonna k*ll yourself in a couple of hours, you really need your strength.
RORY: Ha ha.
LORELAI: Maybe Dean won't even come tonight.
RORY: Oh, he'll be there. There aren't enough monster truck rallies in the world to keep him away from Miss Patty's tonight.
[Paul and his parents walk into the diner]
LORELAI: All right, that's it. This afternoon we are going to engage in some intensive retail therapy to bring you out of this funk.
RORY: No thanks.
LORELAI: I mean it. Today is the day we finally spring for the Powerpuff girl shotglasses.
RORY: Hmm, I can't. I promised Lane I'd help her pick out an outfit for the play tomorrow.
PAUL: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Yeah?
PAUL: Hey, it is you. This is Lorelai, she's the girl I told you about.
LORELAI: Oh, Paul. I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you with the hat.
PAUL: Yeah.
LORELAI: What are you doing here?
PAUL: Well, um, getting some coffee.
LORELAI: In Stars Hollow?
PAUL: Well, you know, you talked so much about the town the other night and especially Luke's place, so my mom's crazy for coffee, I thought I'd bring 'em up here for breakfast.
RORY: [quietly] The other night?
LORELAI: [quietly] Uh, yes. Paul's my friend from the other night, the uh, casual Wednesday.
RORY: Oh.
LORELAI: Oh, Paul, I want you to meet my daughter Rory.
PAUL: Hi, nice to meet you. Hey, these are my parents, Dorie and Sid.
DORIE: Nice to meet you.
SID: Pleasure, really.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, me too.
LUKE: You ordering?
PAUL: Luke. Are you Luke? Is this Luke?
LORELAI: Yes, that's Luke.
PAUL: Oh man! Mom, Dad, that is Luke.
DORIE: We've heard so much about you.
SID: Darn shame about that Rachel.
LUKE: Who the hell are these people?
LORELAI; Uh, Paul is my friend from business school.
PAUL: Yeah, we went out the other night. And uh, you know, she talked about a few people in this town, and you being one of 'em, so nice to meet you.
LUKE: Yeah.
PAUL: Um, okay, three coffees to go then.
LORELAI: [to Rory] Something funny?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: You're just smiling for no reason?
RORY: I'm a happy person.
PAUL: Hey, I've gotta run. Mom wants to go antiquing, so it was nice meeting you, and uh, I'll see you in class Lorelai.
LORELAI: Bye. Bye now. Bye.
[Paul and his parents leave]
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Nothing.
LORELAI: Say it!
RORY: I've always wanted a little brother.
LORELAI: He looked older the other night!
RORY: How much older could he possibly look?
LORELAI: A lot! He's usually a little scruffy, and then the baseball cap hides the funky hair thing.
RORY: He should've been holding a yo-yo and a lollipop and wearing a beanie with a propeller on it.
LORELAI: He's in his twenties.
RORY: He must have been a very good boy to deserve such a happy day. I bet they let him ride a pony.
LORELAI: Aren't you supposed to go help Lane?
RORY: Thanks for cheering me up.
[Rory leaves as Luke walks over]
LORELAI: What? You wanna say something too?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: Please don't hold back on my account.
LUKE: I wouldn't.
LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: [to kids at the counter] Would you guys mind moving down a couple stools? Make me more comfortable.
LORELAI: This is me leaving.
LUKE: Hey, how do I know what the cutoff is?
LORELAI: And no tip, I wonder why.
LUKE: I mean, at least if you had one of those height bars like at amusement park rides
LORELAI: Bye now.
CUT TO MISS PATTY'S STUDIO
[Tristin and Rory are rehearsing up front, as Paris, Madeline, Louise, Brad, and Dean watch them.]
TRISTIN: Here's to my love. Oh true apothecary, thy drugs are quick. Line?
PARIS: Thus with a kiss, I die. How hard is that to remember?
TRISTIN: Thus with a kiss, I die. Right. And then I kiss he, right?
PARIS: Yes. You say 'Thus with a kiss, I die.' Then you kiss her and die. Why are you smiling? You think this is a joke? The performance is tomorrow.
TRISTIN: Wait, tomorrow? Oh my God. I totally missed it the first 47 times you said it.
PARIS: I warned you. I am not going to fail this because of you. I will replace you with Brad in a second.
BRAD: Oh, dear God, no.
RORY: Can we just get through the scene?
MADELINE: Please.
PARIS: Fine. But yell line once more and you're out. Start memorizing.
TRISTIN: Oh true apothecary, thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss, I die.
PARIS: What?
TRISTIN: Well, it's just, with this being our last kiss and all, it makes me think about our first kiss. You know, at the party.
RORY: What?
PARIS: Lie down, you're d*ad.
LOUISE: We all are.
TRISTIN: You remember the kiss. In Act 1 at the Capulet's masked party?
PARIS: What about it?
TRISTIN: Well, I was just trying to think of something that would make this kiss as special as that one.
RORY: Tristin.
TRISTIN: I thought she could cry.
RORY: What?
PARIS: She's d*ad. You're d*ad, lie down.
TRISTIN: Yeah, but that's the beauty of it. No one would expect her to cry.
DEAN: I would.
TRISTIN: You know, funny you should say that
RORY: I need to take five.
PARIS: You know what? Let's all take five. That way you can all cancel whatever plans you had tonight because we are staying here until we get this right.
[Brad pulls out his cell phone]
LOUISE: Who could you possibly be calling?
[Rory walks over to Dean]
DEAN: He is unbelievable.
RORY: Dean, I really need you to leave.
DEAN: What?
RORY: The play is tomorrow, and it's fifty percent of my grade, and you standing there staring at Tristin, it's like a challenge or something.
DEAN: Well, I don't like the way he's messing with you.
RORY: I don't like it either but we have to get through this scene and we can't get through the scene with you standing there. So, Dean, please.
DEAN: Fine. Call me later. [leaves]
TRISTIN: Now I noticed you didn't cry when you kissed him. I'm starting to feel a little insecure.
RORY: What is wrong with you?
TRISTIN: Whoa, I think I liked you better comatose.
RORY: I thought you weren't going to say anything.
TRISTIN: Did I say that?
RORY: You make it impossible for anyone to be nice to you. No wonder you had to join our group. Anyone who's actually suffered through the experience of going out with you would absolutely know better.
TRISTIN: Gee, I really wish we could continue your analysis on how pathetic I am. Unfortunately, I have to meet some friends.
PARIS: Where are you going? Where is he going? We're not finished! Hey, I'm the director here! Tristin!
BRAD: Tristin, come back!
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Sookie sit at a table.]
SOOKIE: Ooh! I'm so excited! Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, it's so romantic. Oh Romeo, blah bah blah and the blah. That's all the Shakespeare I know.
LORELAI: Hey Luke, you should come with us to Chilton and watch Rory perform.
LUKE: Can't.
LORELAI: Come on. How often do you get to see teenagers speak iambic pentameter and k*ll themselves?
LUKE: No thanks. But you have a good time. Bring plenty of baseball cards to pass out your phone number on.
LORELAI: Ugh, enough already! The horse is d*ad. His ashes have been sprinkled over the land. Let it rest.
MISS PATTY: Lorelai, there you are you naughty, naughty girl.
LORELAI: Okay, he was not that much younger than I am. I met him a business school, not his Bar Mitzvah. Business school has to indicate some kind of maturity, right?
LUKE: Doogie Howser was a doctor at sixteen.
LORELAI: Doogie Howser was not real.
LUKE: How sad for you. [walks away]
LORELAI: Luke. This is incredible. I go on one stupid date, and suddenly I'm the female Jerry Lee Lewis.
SOOKIE: Oh forget it honey. The town likes to tease. Plus, he did look really young.
LORELAI: You didn't even see him.
SOOKIE: Kirk snapped pictures.
[Lorelai walks up to Luke behind the counter]
LORELAI: Hey, you. What is up with you?
LUKE: Nothing's up with me.
LORELAI: Well we were having a perfectly nasty verbal sparring match and you suddenly walk away.
BOOTSY: Lorelai, I hear you're dating a kid.
LORELAI: Please let something big fall on my head.
BOOTSY: When I was 18, I was dating an older lady. Broke my heart.
LORELAI: Well, Bootsy, I'm sorry you got dumped, but I'm not dating a kid.
BOOTSY: I didn't get dumped, she died. Heart att*ck. She was quite old.
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: I'm working. Us older guys do that.
LORELAI: Why are you being so mean to me?
LUKE: I'm not being mean.
LORELAI: Yes you are. You're being mean.
LUKE: Sookie, am I being mean?
SOOKIE: Well, I wouldn't pay you to put on a red nose and work a birthday party right now.
LUKE: Thank God for that.
LORELAI: Why are you so mad at me?
LUKE: I just think it's embarrassing.
LORELAI: What is so embarrassing?
LUKE: You running around with that kid.
LORELAI: I wasn't running, he's not a kid. We had dinner. You say Chuck E. Cheese, I'll break your nose.
LUKE: Hey, I'm not gonna say anything. You go live your life as you please. I got work to do.
CUT TO CHILTON GRAND HALL
[A group is performing Act 2 of Romeo and Juliet, interpreting it as cavemen. Lorelai, Sookie, Dean, and Lane stand in the audience and watch.]
BOY: Ooh, ooh. He jests at scars that never felt a wound. But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
SOOKIE: Are you sure this is Shakespeare?
DEAN: What's with all the grunting?
LORELAI: I wish Luke was here, he could translate for us.
[Rory walks up to them]
RORY: Hey.
DEAN: Oh hey.
LORELAI: Hi.
SOOKIE: Oh honey, look at you! You look like a princess! Doesn't she look like a princess?
DEAN: Yeah, she looks beautiful.
RORY: Mom made the dress.
LORELAI: Not to mention the girl inside it.
RORY: Hello, gross.
LORELAI: I'm just saying.
RORY: I'm getting kind of nervous.
LANE: Oh, you're gonna be great.
RORY: I think act three is starting up.
LANE: Henry's act. Um, how do I look?
RORY: You might want to hold a phone up to your face so he'll recognize you.
LANE: Okay. [walks away]
[Paris walks up to them]
PARIS: I need you. [drags Rory away]
CUT TO HALLWAY
PARIS: He's not here.
RORY: Who's not here?
PARIS: Tristin. I've looked everywhere. I called his home, his cell, I called three girls I know he's seeing.
RORY: Paris, calm down.
PARIS: Weren't you listening? He's not here. We're on in twenty minutes and we don't have a Romeo. We are going to fail.
RORY: We're not going to fail.
PARIS: Do you think Harvard accepts people who fail Shakespeare? They don't. I don't have the numbers on it or anything, but I feel pretty secure in saying, you fail Shakespeare, you don't get into Harvard.
RORY: Okay, maybe he's just in one of the bathrooms smoking.
PARIS: Good idea. You check the east men's rooms, I'll check the west ones.
CUT TO GRAND HALL
[Lane watches Henry in Act 3, interpreted as businessmen with cell phones]
HENRY: I am hurt. A plague on both your houses! Oh, I am sped. What, is he gone and hath nothing?
CUT TO HALLWAY
PARIS: I knew he was going to do this, but no one wanted to listen to me. It was all, let's make Tristin Romeo, he's hot.
RORY: What about Brad?
PARIS: Brad transferred schools. [Tristin walks up to them] Where have you been? You have to get dressed, we're on in ten minutes.
TRISTIN: Can't.
PARIS: What?
TRISTIN: Actually, my dad had me pulled out of school. He
[Paris walks away]
and is she unhappy.
RORY: What do you mean he had you pulled out of school? What happened?
TRISTIN: Nothing. Just ticked the old man off, that's all.
RORY: By doing what? Tristin, come on, tell me.
TRISTIN: I got in some trouble.
RORY: Trouble involving?
TRISTIN: Involving Duncan and Bowman, and Bowman's dad's safe.
RORY: Oh no.
TRISTIN: I mean, Bowman had a key. It was supposed to be no big deal. And the crazy silent alarm kicked in.
RORY: You broke into Bowman's dad's safe?
TRISTIN: Yes.
RORY: Stupid.
TRISTIN: Yes.
RORY: Well, okay, you can apologize and you can put back the money and you can explain that, I don't know, you were going through something.
TRISTIN: I was, I was going through his safe.
RORY: Why would you do this?
TRISTIN: I don't know. I guess that's something I can ponder at military school.
RORY: Military school?
TRISTIN: The police are letting our parents handle it, and in my case that means military school in North Carolina.
RORY: I don't know what to say.
TRISTIN: Well, I imagine you're overwhelmed with the relief in knowing that soon I will be gone.
RORY: I'm so sorry.
TRISTIN: Well, I'm a big boy. I can handle it.
RORY: There's nothing you can
[Tristin's dad calls him from down the hall]
MR. Dugray: Tristin, come on.
TRISTIN: I gotta go. So, I might kiss you goodbye but, uh, your boyfriend's watching. Take care of yourself, Mary.
[Tristin leaves. Paris comes back dressed as Romeo]
PARIS: What are you standing there for? Let's go. You better start sucking on an Altoid.
CUT TO GRAND HALL
[The group performs Act 5 with Paris as Romeo]
PARIS: A dateless bargain to engrossing death! Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavory guide! Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks thy seasick weary bark! Here's to my love! Oh true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.
CUT TO CLASSROOM
[Lorelai and Sookie walk into a classroom to retrieve their coats]
SOOKIE: Wasn't that great? I mean, just watching it made me feel smarter. Don't you feel smarter?
LORELAI: Well, just the opposite actually.
SOOKIE: We should do something else good for us. Go to a museum or play chess.
LORELAI: I promised Rory we'd go to Luke's afterwards.
SOOKIE: Oh, even better.
LORELAI: Although, I gotta tell ya, I am still pretty peeved by how he acted earlier. I swear, that guy runs so hot and cold on me.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Well, one minute he's all sweet and building me a chuppah, and the next he's being a total jerk for God knows what reason.
SOOKIE: For God knows what reason? Come on Lorelai.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: Don't you understand that Luke is so into you?
LORELAI: Okay, stop.
SOOKIE: He has had to watch you go from one guy to another, and then the engagement, and then the engagement was off, and patiently he's waited. And now in walks this kid and he says, 'My God, will she date anyone else in the world before she'll date me?'
LORELAI: Sookie, that
SOOKIE: Hey, maybe it's crazy, maybe it's irrational, but it's there. Just look the guy in the eye, it's right there.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai, Rory, Sookie, and Dean walk in]
DEAN: So, did you and Paris actually kiss or was that like a stage thing?
RORY: A lady never kisses and tells.
LORELAI: Hey, you guys get a table. I'll be right there.
[they sit down while Lorelai walks over to Luke at the counter]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: How'd it go?
LORELAI: Oh, you know, I think Shakespeare will recover.
LUKE: That's good.
LORELAI: Hey, are you good at dating?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Dating, do you have that down?
LUKE: Okay, if this is about that kid, then
LORELAI: No, it's not about anything, it's just a question.
LUKE: Well, I don't know if I have it down. Considering I live with my nephew, I'd say probably not.
LORELAI: I don't have it down either. I've never been very good at it really. I've never even really liked it. Too much 'what if'. I like things I can count on. I mean, uh, actually, with Max, it was the first time I was finally like 'Hey, here it is, that one person who will always be there for me.' And then, I turned around, and it's suddenly 'Oops, wrong, keep moving.'
LUKE: Why are you telling me this?
LORELAI: I don't have very many people in my life who are in my life permanently forever. They will always be there for me. I will always be there for them, you know? There's Rory, and Sookie, and this town and ... you. I mean, at least I think I've got...
LUKE: You do.
LORELAI: Good. Just checking
LUKE: Tell me about Romeo and Juliet.
LORELAI: Well, it's so depressing because everybody dies, but the clothes were so cute.
LUKE: Life can be funny that way.
LORELAI: And Rory
[scene fades out]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x09 - Run Away, Little Boy"} | foreverdreaming |
2.10 - The Bracebridge Dinner
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Chris Long
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are building a snowman in the center of town.]
LORELAI: How do you like that mouth?
RORY: Um, it's not very mouthlike.
LORELAI: Oh, I think it works.
RORY: It's tilted to the side.
LORELAI: Yeah, no, it was intentional. It gives her a unique expression.
RORY: Like she had a stroke?
LORELAI: Fine, I'll just use the Mrs. Potato Head lips.
RORY: No, forget it, leave stroke-mouth. It's not like we're gonna win this anyway.
LORELAI: Whoa, bad attitude.
RORY: Mom, face it. That is the single most incredible snowman I have ever seen. [looks at a man working on an elaborate snow sculpture]
LORELAI: I'm sorry, that snowman is way over the top, way too showy. It's screaming 'I'm incredible, I'm special, look at me.'
RORY: Kind of the point of a snowman-building contest.
LORELAI: Hmm, I hate this man with every fiber of my being.
RORY: He looks nice.
LORELAI: He's a ringer.
RORY: How do you figure?
LORELAI: Someone recruited him, promised him a handsome sum, financed his theatrical snowman accoutrements, so he could snatch victory away from a deserving local in order to bag the contest prize for himself.
RORY: Seems a little elaborate considering that the prize is a set of new US quarters.
LORELAI: Oh, we're ignoring him now. So, what are we gonna do on your school break?
RORY: A lot of nothing.
LORELAI: Sounds good.
RORY: Plus some homework.
LORELAI: And a lot of movies.
RORY: Oh, we have to rent Godfather 3 on DVD.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
RORY: In the audio commentary, Coppola actually defends casting Sofia.
LORELAI: Now that is fatherly love. What's all this homework you have to do?
RORY: Just stuff for the paper.
LORELAI: What? Why?
RORY: Because Paris wants the first issue back to be a double issue, so we have to prep over break and she says the news never sleeps.
LORELAI: What about Paris, does she ever sleep?
RORY: I think she periodically makes a whirring noise and then just shuts down.
LORELAI: Well, you can't work the whole time.
RORY: I won't, I promise. Oh my God.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: He's power buffing.
LORELAI: Aw, now that is just wrong.
RORY: We're competing against the Michelangelo of snow.
LORELAI: And we're Ernest Builds a Snowman.
RORY: We shouldn't look at him anymore.
LORELAI: Heads down, stay focused.
RORY: We can do this.
LORELAI: Absolutely.
[their snowman's head falls off]
RORY: Let's get some coffee?
LORELAI: Right behind you.
OPENING CREDITS
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Michel is at the front desk on the phone. In the background, Rune is jumping up and down trying to dust a picture frame.]
MICHEL: [oh phone] Yes, you can rent a car in Manhattan and return it in Hartford. That's
that's no problem, sir. Yes. Yes, you can return it to Bradley International. That's
that's very convenient. Or you
you can
um, you - hold please. [puts phone down, walks over to Rune and grabs his arm]
RUNE: Ah!
MICHEL: Stop that.
RUNE: Stop what?
MICHEL: Stop jumping like a Mexican bean.
RUNE: Well, Lorelai asked me to dust the picture frames. How do you suggest that I clean the top, smartie? [Michel takes the picture off the wall] Well, I didn't know that you could do that.
MICHEL: Yes, I am miraculously talented, aren't I?
RUNE: I thought an alarm would go off like in The Thomas Crown Affair.
MICHEL: That would be if this was a museum, and you were a man allowed in museums.
LORELAI: Hey, no bickering in the lobby, guys.
RUNE: Where are we allowed to bicker?
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
SOOKIE: You've got all the mushrooms? You double checked?
JACKSON: I've triple checked. I've quadruple checked.
SOOKIE: The shitake, the nameko, the chanterelle?
JACKSON: Once again, I've got it all.
SOOKIE: The matsutake? The makeniya?
JACKSON: Uh wait.
SOOKIE: What?
JACKSON: I don't have makeniya.
SOOKIE: You don't have makeniya?
JACKSON: I don't have makeniya.
SOOKIE: I made it up. [giggles] You passed the test.
JACKSON: Don't test me.
[Lorelai walks in the kitchen]
LORELAI: Hey, the auditions are starting. You wanna come watch?
SOOKIE: Ooh, yes!
JACKSON: Auditions for what?
SOOKIE: Musicians.
LORELAI: For the Bracebridge Dinner.
JACKSON: Geez, you guys are going crazy with this dinner.
SOOKIE: Jackson, I told you, this dinner is not just about food. We are recreating an authentic 19th century meal.
LORELAI: The servers are all gonna be in period clothing, they're gonna speak period English. Here, look at the costumes.
JACKSON: Nice.
SOOKIE: We're talking seven courses here. Soup, fish, Peacock Pie, the Baron of Beef, the salad, then the Plum Pudding and the Wassail.
LORELAI: And there's gonna be a big raised platform where the Squire of Bracebridge is going to preside over the festivities.
SOOKIE: Yeah, he tastes the foods and makes pronouncements. He's like the host of the evening, and his costume is the coolest.
LORELAI: Ah.
JACKSON: It all sounds great.
SOOKIE: Oh, it is, it is. By the way, you're playing Squire Bracebridge. Ready?
LORELAI: Let's go.
SOOKIE: Yeah. [they leave]
JACKSON: Huh? What was that?
CUT TO LOBBY
SOOKIE: What are we looking at today?
LORELAI: Okay, this is the last on our list. We've already got our trumpets, our madrigal singers
JACKSON: Uh, sorry to interrupt but I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge.
LORELAI: We've got all our servers lined up. This is just for recorder players and harpists. Hi. Uh, lay some on us guys.
[two recorder players play]
SOOKIE: Hey, you cats really know how to blow those things.
LORELAI: You've got the gig. I will call you later with the details. Thanks.
[the recorder players leave]
JACKSON: So are we clear on this? I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge. Sorry you were under the impression that I'd do this.
SOOKIE: When do the guests arrive?
LORELAI: Thursday at four - on their own jet.
SOOKIE: After buying out the whole inn.
LORELAI: Must be nice to have money.
SOOKIE: Uh! Hey, you know what struck me today?
JACKSON: Was it the fact that I'm not the Squire - did that strike you?
SOOKIE: We are crazy for doing this.
LORELAI: We're beyond crazy. We are 'Anne Heche speaking her secret language to God and looking for the spaceship in Fresno' crazy.
SOOKIE: Oh Quiness, nokka don atta.
LORELAI: Il ek notra doska donne.
JACKSON: And springing this on me at the last minute too, I mean, that's just manipulative.
[a chef comes out of the kitchen]
CHEF: Sookie, f*re! [leaves]
SOOKIE: I gotta get back in the kitchen. You'll handle the harp?
LORELAI: You got it.
JACKSON: All right, okay, I'll do it. I'll play Squire Bracebridge if that's what you want. Geez.
SOOKIE: Thanks Sweetie. [walks to kitchen]
JACKSON: As long as it's not just because I fit the costume. It's because I fit the costume, isn't it? [leaves]
LORELAI: [to harpist] Go ahead.
[Lorelai's cell phone rings while the harpist is playing]
LORELAI: [answers phone] Hi, it's Lorelai.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey Lor, it's me.
LORELAI: Oh, hi Chris, how are you?
CHRISTOPHER: Good, good. You, uh, got a minute?
LORELAI: Uh oh.
CHRISTOPHER: It's not an uh oh, I just wanted to run an idea by you.
LORELAI: Run it.
CHRISTOPHER: Now it's totally your call and I don't want to step on any plans you've already made, but I know Rory has a break in school coming up, and I was wondering if you'd be cool with her coming to visit for a couple of days.
LORELAI: Uhh, a couple of days? You mean she'd stay the night?
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, it's totally your call. Where are you, heaven?
LORELAI: Do you even have room for someone to stay?
CHRISTOPHER: Not just room - a room. A designated guest room. Sherry fixed it up really nice.
LORELAI: Aww, good for her.
CHRISTOPHER: So what do you think?
LORELAI: I don't know. It's awfully last minute.
CHRISTOPHER: It's totally last minute. You can say no and there'll be no hard feelings.
LORELAI: Well, it's really up to Rory to say yes or no.
CHRISTOPHER: So you're cool with it?
LORELAI: Yeah, sure, if Rory is, yeah.
CHRISTOPHER: Great, that's great. Uh, thank you. I'll let you run it past her and you can get back to me whenever. No pressure.
LORELAI: No pressure.
CHRISTOPHER: Talk to you later.
LORELAI: Yeah, talk to you later.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily, Richard, Lorelai and Rory are eating dinner silently. Rory get Lorelai's attention and gestures for her to say something.]
LORELAI: So what are your travel plans Dad?
RICHARD: Hmm?
LORELAI: You and mom, you always go out of town this time of year.
RORY: Last year it was the Bahamas.
RICHARD: Yes, that's right, it was.
LORELAI: I remember you had fun too. You said the Bahama
mians were real nice. The Bahamites? The Bahamamamamians?
RORY: The Bahamians.
LORELAI: Yes. They were nice.
EMILY: They were nice.
LORELAI: So, what are your plans?
EMILY: We're not going anywhere this year.
RORY: Why not? Oh, well yeah, it can be really nice just to stay at home sometimes because you can do fun things that you normally wouldn't have time for.
LORELAI: Yeah, like play Running Charades, and get out that Slip 'n Slide.
RICHARD: We'll see.
EMILY: Yes, we'll see.
RICHARD: Would you all excuse me? I have to make some calls. Say goodbye before you leave, will you?
LORELAI: Yeah, sure Dad.
[Richard leaves]
LORELAI: When is this awfulness with work gonna resolve itself?
EMILY: I don't know. The man is so sensitive. He reads so much into every little perceived slight.
LORELAI: Yeah. I remember one time when I was a kid, Dad had put on some weight, and he bought a new suit to try to cover it up. And he wore it for us and he said, 'How do I look?' and I said, 'You look fat.' [pause] But I guess that wasn't really a perceived slight
so, I'll think of another example.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN LOBBY
[Sookie is lecturing to a group of people; Kirk is transcribing everything she says on his laptop.]
SOOKIE: Keep in mind during the Bracebridge Dinner, we are not just servers, we are performers, so any time you're with a guest, you must be in character and you must speak Old English. It's a world we're creating here, so whatever we can do
Kirk, you're driving me crazy!
KIRK: Who me? [reads transcript] 'Whatever we can do to Kirk you're driving me crazy.' Yeah, me. Ah, sorry.
SOOKIE: Okay, now guys, look at the materials I gave you, and tell me if a guest asks you how the food's coming, what would be the appropriate Old English response? Rune!
RUNE: Greetings!
SOOKIE: You just read the first thing on the list, didn't you?
RUNE: Maybe.
SOOKIE: Guys, the correct response: Ah, oven's day with baked meat choke!
RUNE: Question?
SOOKIE: Yeah?
RUNE: What color dress will I be wearing when I say this?
JACKSON: Rune, don't be an idiot.
RUNE: Well, this is stupid.
JACKSON: Shut up and pay attention to Sookie. She worked very hard to bring this about.
KIRK: Yes, but unfortunately we don't all share intimacies with her, so she doesn't cut us any slack.
JACKSON: She doesn't treat me differently.
KIRK: She's called you Peaches three times. It's all in the transcript.
RUNE: Sookie, instead of talking in Old English, can I just talk like an old man?
SOOKIE: What?
RUNE: Hey you kids, get off my lawn!
SOOKIE: No, no you cannot just talk like an old man.
[Lorelai walks into the lobby]
SOOKIE: Hi, honey, what's the matter?
LORELAI: They're snowed in.
SOOKIE: Who's snowed in?
LORELAI: The Bracebridge group. They're stuck in Chicago. The dinner's off.
SOOKIE: No.
LORELAI: Yes.
SOOKIE: I'm gonna cry.
LORELAI: I offered to fund the instant invention of a molecular transport device but they just didn't go for it.
SOOKIE: Oh, that makes me so mad. And so sad. I'm smad!
RUNE: Sookie, does this mean that my pockets wileth not with money get choked? That sounded like Old English. Cool, huh?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai, Sookie, and Rory are sitting at a table]
SOOKIE: I've got thirty pounds of aged beef, trays and trays of trout, mountains of pruned tarts. I diced pumpkins until my hands turned orange. I've got pumpkin hands.
LORELAI: Take a sip
SOOKIE: How can you stay so calm about this?
LORELAI: There's nothing we can do about it.
RORY: I can't believe they got snowed in.
LORELAI: All that work, all that extra help we hired. Oh well. At least they paid for it already. We didn't lose any money.
SOOKIE: Yeah I guess. You know, I could still make up the dinner for the three of us.
RORY: Yeah, but then it would be like the three of us, all alone in the dining room.
LORELAI: It would be like The Shining, except instead of Jack Nicholson, we have Rune.
[Luke walks over to them]
LUKE: You girls want anything besides coffee?
SOOKIE: Hey, what about Luke?
LUKE: What about him?
SOOKIE: He eats, and Jess eats. Doesn't Jess eat?
LUKE: What's she doing?
LORELAI: I think she's inviting you for dinner.
SOOKIE: Yeah, come on, join us. It'll be fun. You like Peacock Pie?
LUKE: I'm a hundred percent sure I don't.
LORELAI: There'll be normal food too.
RORY: And decorations.
SOOKIE: And music.
LORELAI: Come on, it'll be fun.
LUKE: Well
LORELAI: Hey, you know what? Let's invite everyone.
SOOKIE: Everyone who?
LORELAI: Everyone everyone.
SOOKIE: Everyone everyone who?
LORELAI: Everyone we know, everyone we like.
RORY: And they could even stay in the inn. All those empty rooms, all those uneaten pillow mints.
LORELAI: An out of control, over the top slumber party!
SOOKIE: I love it!
RORY: Me too!
LORELAI: Done! Spread the word.
LUKE: I haven't said I'd come yet so I'm certainly not gonna suddenly become your messenger boy. [Lorelai stares at him] Eight o'clock?
LORELAI: Seven.
LUKE: Right.
CUT TO FRONT OF STARS HOLLOW HIGH
[Dean walks out of the school, Lane walks over to him.]
LANE: Deano.
DEAN: Hey Lane. Are you going to this big shindig at the inn tonight?
LANE: Yeah, I'm just trying to trick my mom into not going with me.
DEAN: How's that coming along?
LANE: How's that Pixies reunion coming along?
DEAN: Well, I'll see you and your mom there.
LANE: Bye.
DEAN: Bye.
[Lane leaves. Dean sees Jess fighting with another kid and goes over to break it up.]
BOY: Keep it up pal, you'll get hurt.
DEAN: Whoa, hey guys! Guys, come on, break it up guys! Quit it! Hey, hold it man, get off me! [Dean tries to pull Jess away; Jess tries to punch him] Whoa, hey, get off me man, I'm not fighting you! Jess, knock it off man! What the hell is your problem?
JESS: Nothing.
DEAN: You saw it was me, Jess. Why'd you keep punching?
JESS: Had momentum.
DEAN: Well I was trying to help you.
JESS: I don't need you help, but thanks for offering.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai sits on the couch as Rory walks in with some drinks.]
LORELAI: Hey, did Bootsy RSVP?
RORY: Yeah, he's coming.
LORELAI: Thanks. Is he bringing anybody?
RORY: He's coming solo.
LORELAI: Okay. I'm gonna put him in room 16 with Luke.
RORY: You can't do that.
LORELAI: Come on, let me have my fun.
RORY: Luke's coming with Jess.
LORELAI: Well, I'll put Jess in with Miss Patty.
RORY: There will be no Jess left in the morning.
LORELAI: You stink.
[Rory sits in the armchair and picks up a pile of cards]
RORY: Are these last year's cards or this year's?
LORELAI: This year's, of course.
RORY: Don't scoff. Last year's set were still sitting here 'til Halloween.
LORELAI: Hey, if that's a crack at my housekeeping skills...well then, okay.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: This is one ugly looking baby. Whose baby is this?
LORELAI: That's your second cousin's Stan's. Poor kid.
RORY: Ugh, he got Stan's everything.
LORELAI: That's not even the ugliest baby in the bunch.
RORY: You're kidding. [looks through the pile] Ouch!
LORELAI: That's the ugliest baby in the bunch.
RORY: I don't understand why people put pictures on cards.
LORELAI: Do they not understand we are unapologetic mockers?
RORY: There's an unexplained innocence in the world. Hey, I didn't see this.
LORELAI: See what?
RORY: Dad.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: And the woman I'm assuming is Sherry.
LORELAI: Uh, did I not show you that? Huh.
RORY: They've got a cute little puppy and everything.
LORELAI: Oh, I must've put it in the stack and forgotten to tell you about it. Well, there it is.
RORY: Nice looking lady.
LORELAI: Mm hmm. Like a young Tammy Faye Baker.
RORY: But prettier than that.
LORELAI: Oh, I didn't mean not pretty. Hey, question about the room list.
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Room 31 - why is it empty?
RORY: Oh yeah, I wanted to run an idea by you.
LORELAI: Run it.
RORY: I thought maybe a certain depressed man and his wife could stay there.
LORELAI: Woody and Soon-Yi?
RORY: Grandma and Grandpa.
LORELAI: Ugh, you've got to be kidding.
RORY: But this could help to cheer him up.
LORELAI: I'll send him a Def Jam Comedy tape. That'll cheer him up.
RORY: It's a really good thing to do.
LORELAI: We'll donate money to charity, that's a good thing too. We'll stop kicking dogs.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: All right, I'll pencil them in, but they'll probably say no.
RORY: Yeah, but we're not gonna hope that they say no, right?
LORELAI: Right.
RORY: Right, because that would be really bad karma, especially on top of making fun of the ugly babies.
LORELAI: Uh, I have a new year's resolution for you: become more cynical and self absorbed.
RORY: I'll work on it.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[The night of the Bracebridge Dinner, Lorelai and Rory are in the lobby]
RORY: Hey, how's Sookie doing in there?
LORELAI: Ah, well, she's paper bagging it.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You know... [Lorelai breathes into a pretend paper bag]
RORY: Oh, so she's right on schedule.
[Babette and Morey walk into the inn.]
BABETTE: Hey dolls.
LORELAI: Hey!
RORY: Hi, welcome.
MOREY: Are we the first ones here?
LORELAI: Yes, you are.
BABETTE: Now don't you freak out. Morey hates being the first anywhere. He thinks it hurts his street credibility.
MOREY: Charlie Parker was late to everything.
BABETTE: Charlie Parker had more drugs in him than a Rite-Aid. Forget Charlie Parker.
RORY: You guys are in room 8. It's all ready for you.
BABETTE: Thanks, doll. C'mon Morey. We can be late for dinner if it'll make you feel better.
MOREY: A little.
BABETTE: Yeah.
[they walk away as Lane walks into the inn]
LANE: Hey!
RORY: Are you alone?
MRS. KIM: Lane!
LANE: My wedding night's gonna be very interesting.
RORY: Hi Mrs. Kim. I'm glad you guys could come. You guys are in room 12.
MRS. KIM: Thank you. Hello Lorelai, thank you for inviting us.
LORELAI: Our pleasure. Do you need help bringing in the rest of your stuff?
MRS. KIM: This is my stuff. Don't need any more stuff. People have too much stuff.
LORELAI: You know you're right. People have too much stuff. Absolutely.
[Mrs. Kim and Lane walk away]
RORY: Says the woman with 64 pairs of shoes.
LORELAI: Thus proving my point. What is Paris doing here?
RORY: She had to bring me the newspaper stuff tonight. She just couldn't wait.
LORELAI: A robot, she's a robot. Hi! [walks away]
RORY: Hey.
PARIS: So here are the materials in the double issue. Some of the articles are gonna need complete rewrites.
RORY: Drag.
PARIS: Madeline's 500 words on test anxiety spends 400 of them arguing that stretch corduroy is the best material for low-rise jeans.
RORY: Well, let's see. Corduroy is a fabric, and the fabric of society is weakened when students
PARIS: You can't get there.
RORY: Yeah, it doesn't look like it. I'll get right on this tomorrow.
PARIS: What about tonight?
RORY: I'm busy tonight.
PARIS: Doing what?
RORY: Well, this.
PARIS: Oh. What is this?
RORY: It's kind of a big dinner party.
PARIS: Oh. Okay, well, I'll get out of your way. Call if you need to talk things through, and oh - she uses the Prince version of writing. A letter U for you and a picture of an eye for an I.
RORY: Wow.
PARIS: Yeah.
RORY: Hey Paris, do you have anything going on tonight?
PARIS: What's that supposed to mean?
RORY: It's supposed to mean, do you have anything going on tonight?
PARIS: Well, my parents are out of town, so my Portuguese nanny will make dinner and then I'll either get back to reading the Iliad or we'll play Monopoly. I crush her every time.
RORY: Well I was just thinking, maybe you want to stay for dinner?
PARIS: Here?
RORY: Yeah. We have a ton of food, and it's like a whole big show and everything, and if you're not doing anything
PARIS: Rereading the Iliad a third time is not not doing anything. I'm not pathetic.
RORY: I know you're not. I just thought it might be fun, that's all.
PARIS: Well, I'll have to make a call.
RORY: Good, make it.
PARIS: I just have to let Nanny know. [takes out cell phone and dials] Nanny? É Paris. Vou jantar com Rory hoje à noite. Eu telefono no caminho de casa. Tchau.
[Dean and Clara walk into the inn]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hello there. Hey Clara. Nice, is that a Stella McCartney?
CLARA: It's a Wal-Mart.
RORY: Well, it's very pretty.
CLARA: My mom bought it for tonight.
RORY: She's got good taste.
DEAN: [sees Jess walk in] I didn't know he was coming.
RORY: Who?
DEAN: Jess.
RORY: Yeah. Is that a problem?
DEAN: Not really.
RORY: Dean.
DEAN: It's just that, he got into this fight with this guy at school, and when I broke it up he started in on me.
RORY: He h*t you?
DEAN: He tried.
RORY: Why would he do that?
DEAN: Don't ask me to explain that jerk. [Jess waves] He better not do that all night.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
SOOKIE: No! It tastes too twentieth century guys. It's gotta shout Washington Irving, not Irving my accountant. It needs something, help me. What is it?
CHEF: Uhh
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: How's it going? AGH!
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Ooh! Ew, Rune naked, naked Rune.
[Rune is changing his pants in the corner]
SOOKIE: Ahh!
RUNE: These stupid pants won't go past my thighs.
LORELAI: Why are you dressing in here?
RUNE: The bathrooms are full and the lousy madrigal singers are bull guarding the supply closet so this is the only place.
SOOKIE: They're too small.
RUNE: My thighs are too big.
LORELAI: Ahh! Rune, yes, but in lieu of coming up with something that would immediately reduce the size of your thighs, why don't we get you a bigger pair of pants?
SOOKIE: And a different place to dress.
LORELAI: Definitely.
RUNE: Well, can you get me the supply closet?
LORELAI: We'll take it by force if we have to. Go. Ah. [Rune leaves] Is everything under control?
SOOKIE: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ye...no. This needs something and I cannot think of what it is. It's that tart, kind of spicy, white. . .salt! The word is salt!
LORELAI: You forgot the word for salt?
SOOKIE: Everything's under control.
LORELAI: Good.
SOOKIE: Absolutely, one hundred percent.
LORELAI: You're exuding confidence. Have the oxygen ready.
SOOKIE: Okay, easy. It's a bird, it's a bird.
CUT TO LOBBY
[Lorelai walks into the lobby as Emily and Richard arrive]
LORELAI: They're here.
RORY: Who?
LORELAI: The Joy-less Luck Club.
RICHARD: Hello girls. You look particularly lovely tonight.
RORY: Thanks Grandpa.
LORELAI: Thanks Dad. You guys look nice yourselves.
EMILY: Seems like the occasion called for it.
RICHARD: The air seems crisper here than Hartford. It's wonderful.
LORELAI: Hey Dad, you didn't grab the wrong prescription bottle earlier today, did you?
RICHARD: What?
RORY: Nothing.
EMILY: I think she was making one of her funny jokes.
RICHARD: Oh, went straight over my head.
LORELAI: Let me get someone to help you with your bags.
RICHARD: No, no, I've got them. Just point me to the room.
RORY: You guys are in room 31, best room in the place.
RICHARD: Oh, anything's fine. I'll, uh, see you in a bit. [walks away]
LORELAI: What got into him?
RORY: He's totally different.
EMILY: I know. He's been that way for two days. I have no idea why but I'm taking the credit.
LORELAI: Ugh, a hostess' job is never done. Hi.
CUT TO LOBBY
[All the guests are mingling in the lobby.]
LORELAI: Hey everybody, will you gather round? Everyone, everyone! First of all, I want to welcome you to the first annual and probably never ever to be held again because Sookie's on the verge of a nervous breakdown Bracebridge Dinner.
SOOKIE: I'm fine, everything's fine.
LORELAI: I also want to thank Mother Nature for snowing in the Trelling Paper Company in Chicago so I can throw this great party for all my friends instead. It's a very special night. And so, since I don't get to eat unbelievably strange food with my friends everyday, I have arranged a little surprise. Outside, as we speak, is a line of horse drawn sleighs and everybody gets a ride. So, uh, line up and keep it orderly. There's two per sleigh and no cutting in front of each other - that goes for everyone. Except me, 'cause I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss a ride in a horse drawn sleigh. Come on.
LUKE: You gonna go?
JESS: I think I'll wait for the clog dancing.
DEAN: Hey, hey, don't move.
CLARA: But we're gonna miss all the good horses!
RORY: Who is this brazen woman competing for your attention?
CLARA: Come on!
DEAN: Uh, I guess I'm spoken for.
RORY: I'll see you back here.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai is sitting in one of the sleighs as Luke and Bootsy stand near the horses]
BOOTSY: You see the horses?
LUKE: You mean the ones three feet from my face? Yeah, I saw 'em.
BOOTSY: I spent a summer training horses in Montana.
LUKE: You get kicked in the head a lot?
BOOTSY: Just the once.
LORELAI: Hey, you in the belt - get in.
LUKE: What? Oh, no, I was just sort of checking things out.
LORELAI: Come on. We can pull a Ben Hur and take down Taylor's sleigh.
LUKE: I don't know, I...
LORELAI: Aww, come on Luke. I can't be all school marm-y and ride by myself. Please?
LUKE: Well, okay. [gets in the sleigh]
LORELAI: Giddy up. [the sleigh starts moving] Uh! The horses heard me, I speak horse language! I'm Dr. Dolittle!
LUKE: Plus, I think the driver of the sleigh heard you.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah.
LUKE: I gotta say, sleigh ride's a little much, but these horses are really beautiful.
LORELAI: Yes, especially from this angle.
LUKE: Not just from this angle.
LORELAI: Oh seriously, don't backtrack. Horse has got a nice butt there.
LUKE: It's not what I'm saying.
LORELAI: Nice firm hiney.
LUKE: Stop talking about the horse's hiney.
LORELAI: God, the town looks beautiful.
LUKE: Same as always.
LORELAI: No, it's always different his time of year. It's magical.
LUKE: If you say so, sure. Oh look, there's the magical plumbing supply store where I bought a magical float for my toilet last week.
LORELAI: You disappoint me.
LUKE: Oh look. There's the magical Luke's Diner right underneath the apartment that Jess magically lit by leaving every stinkin' light on.
LORELAI: How's it going with you guys?
LUKE: Me and Jess? Great.
LORELAI: Great? Really?
LUKE: Really.
LORELAI: Well, good.
LUKE: It is good. I mean, it was hard at first, seemed impossible, you know, but I've learned a lot these past couple months.
LORELAI: Like?
LUKE: Like last week I discovered the secret of parenting.
LORELAI: You did?
LUKE: Yup.
LORELAI: The secret of parenting?
LUKE: The secret of parenting.
LORELAI: When last week? Last Tuesday?
LUKE: I don't know the exact day.
LORELAI: Tuesday at 5:15, is that when you discovered the secret of parenting?
LUKE: Don't mock.
LORELAI: Well, tell me. What is. . . oh wait, it's a secret, you can't tell me.
LUKE: No, I'll tell you. You visualize the reality you want.
LORELAI: You visualize the reality you want.
LUKE: And then if necessary, you lie to bring it about.
LORELAI: That is so much worse than I was expecting.
LUKE: You never lied to your kid?
LORELAI: Ahh, to save her from great physical pain, yes. When she was little and she would play in the kitchen, I told her that the burners were the devil's hands, but I would say it in a really scary evangelist voice, you know, 'Don't touch the devil's hands!' She still doesn't go near the stove.
LUKE: Yes, exactly. You told a little white lie for your kid's protection, very similar to what I've done.
LORELAI: Which was?
LUKE: Well, you know the winter break is coming up?
LORELAI: Yes I do.
LUKE: Okay, well that means Jess has some time off from school. His mom knew that and she never called.
LORELAI: Ugh, it makes me sick
LUKE: So I decided just to keep Jess with me, and I told him that his mom wanted him to come home but I thought since he just got there and was still adjusting that I thought he should stay, and his mom was really upset but I insisted. He bought it hook, line and sinker. Saved him a lot of hurt.
LORELAI: He didn't buy it.
LUKE: What? Of course he did.
LORELAI: He knows.
[cut to Richard and Emily's sleigh]
EMILY: I wish Lorelai had warned us about this.
RICHARD: What? This is wonderful..
EMILY: It's wreaking havoc with my hair.
RICHARD: Oh this is not bad for your hair, compared to the other thing.
EMILY: What other thing? [Richard tousles her hair] Richard, stop it! Stop it! Suddenly you're two years old.
RICHARD: Oh, I'm just having fun.
EMILY: I'm not complaining.
RICHARD: This is fun too. This is like a roller coaster.
EMILY: A little.
RICHARD: Say, when was the last time we were on a roller coaster?
EMILY: Never.
RICHARD: Didn't we ever go to Coney Island?
EMILY: That must've been your other wife.
RICHARD: Gosh, I used to love it when I was a kid. They were a lot faster then too.
EMILY: And less safe.
RICHARD: We should go on one.
EMILY: What?
RICHARD: A fast one.
EMILY: Fine. You go and I'll wait and hold your cotton candy for you.
RICHARD: You are going.
EMILY: It would take a whole day.
RICHARD: You are going.
EMILY: I'd be scared.
RICHARD: I'll hold your hand.
EMILY: Fine. We'll go on a roller coaster.
RICHARD: Good.
EMILY: Now where is this roller coaster we're going on?
RICHARD: I'm not sure. I'll get Rory to look it up on the Internet for us.
[cut to Rory getting in a sleigh]
DRIVER: That it miss?
RORY: I guess I'm alone.
[The sleigh starts going. Jess jumps into the seat next to Rory]
RORY: What are you doing?
JESS: Well, I heard it was two to a sleigh - no more, no less. You were breaking the rules.
RORY: You could've hurt yourself.
JESS: I live on the edge. I can jump out if you want.
RORY: Doesn't matter to me.
JESS: Are you mad at me or something?
RORY: What do you think?
JESS: I can't read your mind.
RORY: You got into a fight with Dean.
JESS: Dean?
RORY: My boyfriend.
JESS: Ah. He's still your boyfriend?
RORY: Okay, you can jump out now.
JESS: I wasn't fighting him. I was fighting someone else. He jumped in on his own.
RORY: He was trying to help you.
JESS: Oh, he should go into government service if he's so interested in helping people. But me, he can stop worrying about.
RORY: Why were you fighting in the first place?
JESS: 'Cause Chuck Presby's a jerk.
RORY: You were fighting Chuck Presby?
JESS: Yeah.
RORY: Oh, he is a jerk.
JESS: This whole town is weird and full of jerks.
RORY: Then why are you still here?
JESS: What do you mean?
RORY: I mean, school's out and you don't like it here, so why don't you just go home?
JESS: My mom didn't want me to.
RORY: I don't believe that.
JESS: That's your right, I guess.
RORY: Did Luke say she didn't want you to?
JESS: Luke told me it was his idea that I should stay. It wasn't his idea. That's good.
RORY: What?
JESS: Your snowman. Snowwoman, actually.
RORY: You know which one is ours?
JESS: It definitely has the most personality. Kind of looks like Bjork.
RORY: That's what we were going for.
JESS: Yeah?
RORY: But everyone thinks the one on the end is gonna be the winner.
JESS: Really? It's so overdone.
RORY: I agree.
JESS: You should win.
RORY: No argument.
JESS: Hey, what do you and Dean talk about?
RORY: What?
JESS: I mean, does he know Bjork?
RORY: I've played him some stuff.
JESS: Hm. So you got a teacher-student thing going?
RORY: Stop.
JESS: No, really, I'm curious. What do you guys talk about?
RORY: Everything.
JESS: Like?
RORY: Just everything, tons of stuff, whatever.
JESS: It's just in the brief non-pugilistic time I've spent with him in class, he just doesn't seem like your kind of guy.
RORY: Well, he is my kind of guy. He's exactly my kind of guy.
JESS: Okay. I guess I don't know him that well.
RORY: You don't. You don't.
CUT TO INN DINING ROOM
[All of the guests are seated at a long table. Lorelai stands at the head of the table with a camera.]
LORELAI: Quiet please, everybody. Before the, uh, button popping and the bloating can commence, say cheese.
EVERYONE: Cheese!
LORELAI: Uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, damen und herren, um, the moment you've been waiting for, I give you the Bracebridge Dinner.
SOOKIE: Whoa, whoa, hold it. We just need a quick minute, please.
LORELAI: Which will be starting in one quick minute.
BOOTSY: You ever think about that? You can't have a quick minute because it's always sixty seconds.
LUKE: Shut up.
MISS PATTY: Lorelai darling, who is the silver fox with the tight kneesocks?
LORELAI: Oh, that's Claude. He's one of our regular servers, divorced and on the market.
MISS PATTY: Oh, well the uniform is interesting.
LORELAI: All right. I'll have him bathed, powdered, and sent to your room.
MISS PATTY: What? Oh, you joke? Was that a joke?
RICHARD: Lorelai, this is just beautiful. It's like something out of Architectural Digest. You should be very proud.
LORELAI: Thanks Dad.
EMILY: Your dress needs pressing.
LORELAI: Thanks Mom.
[Lorelai sits down next to Rory]
LORELAI: Your pod Grandpa is still happy as a clam.
RORY: See, I told you this would be good for him.
LORELAI: When you're right, you're right.
RUNE: Welcome Lords and Ladies. I call upon these sprightly horns to commence our proceedings. [horns play] Hey Chuck Mangione, you wanna back up a step?
LORELAI: And we're off.
RUNE: And now, fair people, I present my Lord and Master, the honorable Squire Bracebridge.
[Jackson enters the room dressed as the Squire]
JACKSON: Lo! Now has come our joyfullest feast. Let every man be jolly.
JESS: We should've eaten before we came.
LUKE: Shh! And yeah.
JACKSON: Humble servant, bring us the first course to dine with pleasure. Mmm, methinks it be a butternut squash soup.
RUNE: Ah, methinks you're right Squire Bracebridge, thus and verily.
JACKSON: And verily thus.
LORELAI: They're the Old England Abbot and Costello.
JACKSON: 'Tis perfection, but extremely hot.
RUNE: My Lord, do you need aid? Wouldst thou have thee ice thy tongue?
JACKSON: Ah nay, Rune, nay. To the guests thou shall serve the soup!
JESS: What's the white stuff?
LUKE: I think it's cheese - or cream.
JESS: And the green stuff?
LUKE: I think it's
best picked off.
MRS. KIM: No one says grace?
LANE: I think they all do Mama, uh, silently.
MRS. KIM: Did you say silent grace?
BABETTE: [laughs] Good one!
[Mrs. Kim stares at her. Babette quickly bows her head and nudges for Morey to do the same. Cut to Kirk serving soup to Lorelai and Rory]
KIRK: Soup for mi'ladies?
RORY: Why thank you, kind sir.
LORELAI: Hey Kirk, nice blouse.
RORY: Don't let her make fun of you Kirk. You look great.
KIRK: Soup with garlands, gay and rosemary.
LORELAI: You're gonna stay in character no matter what, huh?
KIRK: 'Tis hot, so proceed daintily.
LORELAI: Hey, did you ever see that I Love Lucy where she goes to Buckingham Palace?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: She tries to get the palace guard to break character. That was a funny one.
KIRK: 'Tis foreign to me good lady.
RORY: Hang in there, Kirk.
LORELAI: Those ones where she was in Europe, hands down, those were the best!
KIRK: No way, the Hollywood ones!
LORELAI: Ha!
KIRK: Damn!
RORY: I was rooting for you boy.
[Cut to later that evening]
RUNE: My Lord, shall dessert be served?
JACKSON: Anon, humble servant.
CLARA: Can I eat my dessert with the horses?
DEAN: Sure, uh, but put your coat on.
CLARA: Are you okay?
BOOTSY: I guess so. I've lost track of how many beers I've had.
CLARA: Seven.
LORELAI: Hey Paris, how's it going?
PARIS: Fine, good, thanks for having me.
LORELAI: Oh, it was our pleasure.
PARIS: Did you notice the anachronisms?
LORELAI: The what?
PARIS: The period discrepancies. They were pretty blatant. I mean, forget that the nineteenth century didn't include recessed lighting or the Fossil watch that your server was wearing, but water in that period would not have been served with cubed ice.
LORELAI: Right.
PARIS: And your servers are wearing nylon blend shirts, and nylon was invented by a scientist at Dupont in the 1920's. It shattered the illusion.
LORELAI: Floggings will be administered.
RICHARD: So there we are, it's a beautiful moonlit Prague night, and we're strolling across the Charles Bridge when we come across this group of kids blasting this song by that. . .oh, that awful woman. Who is she? The tall bony one, married to the deceased mustachioed congressman.
RORY: Cher?
EMILY: That's the one!
LORELAI: The year of 'Do you believe in life after love?'
RORY: A difficult time for all of us.
MICHEL: I like that song.
RICHARD: Well, I was appalled. Prague has played host to some of the greatest composers in history. Mozart named a symphony after it, for heaven's sake. So what did I do?
EMILY: I have tried so hard to forget this.
RICHARD: I stood beside them and their boombox and I hummed Mozart's Prague Symphony as loud as I could. [starts humming]
LORELAI: A bizarro Battle of the Bands.
TAYLOR: And did it work?
RICHARD: Well, they quickly packed up and went their way.
EMILY: But then he kept on humming the Mozart. He wouldn't stop.
RICHARD: Well, at that point I was hoping for some gullible tourists to drop money at my feet.
EMILY: And two of them did.
RICHARD: And I kept it!
TAYLOR: You know, this might be the most interesting conversation I've ever had with an insurance man.
RICHARD: Aww, I'm hurt.
TAYLOR: I'm sorry Richard. What I meant was that
RICHARD: No, what you meant was that people in the insurance industry are drones. Well I agree. They are a dull, dull lot, and I am glad to be rid of them.
LORELAI: Rid of them?
TAYLOR: Oh, are you retired Richard?
RICHARD: Well, uh
EMILY: Of course he's not. Richard? Richard?
RICHARD: Actually, I am.
CUT TO BEDROOM
[Later that evening, Lorelai and Rory are in their room at the inn getting ready for bed.]
LORELAI: Ah, it's always nice to end a big festive meal with a big festive pall hanging over the room.
RORY: Most people didn't notice anything.
LORELAI: I guess. Bootsy singing Hotel California accompanied by spoons drew people's attention away.
RORY: Did Grandma and Grandpa say a word to each other the rest of the night?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Why didn't he tell anyone?
LORELAI: I'm sorry, are you asking me to interpret my parents' motives?
RORY: My mistake. So which bed do you want?
LORELAI: Take the one by the window.
RORY: Okay. [pulls back blanket] Mom!
LORELAI: What honey?
RORY: You put the picture of the ugly baby in my bed?
LORELAI: I didn't, I swear. That ugly baby is stalking us. Run away!
RORY: Poor baby, it's not his fault.
LORELAI: I think it's a she.
RORY: Poor baby, you picked the wrong parents. Hey, have you heard from Dad recently?
LORELAI: What dad - your dad?
RORY: Yeah, my dad.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Because he's my dad, and he usually checks in this time of year and he hasn't checked in yet. I mean, I know he's probably busy with Sherry and the new apartment and...what?
LORELAI: There may have been a call.
RORY: There may have been? You don't remember?
LORELAI: Well things have been so hectic, you know, with the Bracebridge Dinner, and um, building a snowwoman, and planning the ugly baby gag, that took time.
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Yes, he called! He called, he called, he called and invited you, and it's not too late to go. He called and invited you, so there you go. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, so there.
RORY: He invited me over?
LORELAI: Yes, are you deaf?
RORY: No, I'm just trying to separate the gist from the ubububububah.
LORELAI: Well, the gist is he invited you, okay?
RORY: Why didn't he invite me himself?
LORELAI: Because he's pretending to be considerate by running it past me first.
RORY: Was he maybe not pretending to be considerate, and actually being considerate?
LORELAI: Maybe. But I wouldn't put it past him to be inconsiderate. The guy doesn't have the greatest track record.
RORY: Why didn't you tell me this? He's probably waiting for my answer, and holding off making plans.
LORELAI: Because I have dibs on this time of year with you, not him! Me! And yes, he acknowledged that, and that was cool and all, but still - it stinks! Because he put me in a very difficult position because we were supposed to watch a lot of movies and make fun of Godfather 3, and the thing that I really, really hate about this is
is the idea of you not hanging out with me because you're hanging out there with your stupid stepmother.
RORY: You're calling Sherry my stepmother?
LORELAI: Well, she practically is.
RORY: You're wigging.
LORELAI: There is something wrong with that woman.
RORY: You don't even know her.
LORELAI: You think I'm overreacting?
RORY: I think you're jealous of Sherry.
LORELAI: Ha, I'm not jealous of Sherry.
RORY: But I understand - your territory has been thr*at.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
RORY: But relax, there are ways to work through situations like this - compromises can be struck.
LORELAI: Oh, what are you saying?
RORY: Well, you know, I can still call you Mom, and I'll call her Mommy Sherry.
LORELAI: Don't be mean.
RORY: And we can split up holidays evenly. Like, I'll be with you on Labor Day
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY:
her on Memorial Day.
LORELAI: Enough.
RORY: I'll have to find out about her religion though to see how Chanukah will factor into this, unless you want to convert to Judaism and then take over Chanukah for yourself.
LORELAI: I get the point. I overreacted. Please stop.
RORY: You totally overreacted. God.
LORELAI: So do you think you're gonna go and stay with them?
RORY: I'll have to think about it.
LORELAI: Do you have to think about it because you know that it's k*lling me not to know whether you're going or not and you want to t*rture me like that?
RORY: Nope, I just don't know if I want to do it.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: It was nice of him to ask though.
LORELAI: It was very nice.
RORY: 'Cause we are rooting for Dad.
LORELAI: We are rooting for him. It was a very nice thing that Christopher offered. I was being a little possessive.
RORY: And insanely jealous of his pretty girlfriend.
LORELAI: Well, I wanna know if she's good enough for him.
RORY: Me too.
LORELAI: So there was an altruistic streak to my madness.
RORY: We'll go with that.
[there's a knock at the door. Lorelai answers, Emily is there.]
EMILY: I need a new room.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: I can't stay in that room.
LORELAI: There are no other rooms, Mom.
EMILY: Well, then I'll go home.
RORY: Grandma, it's late.
LORELAI: And pitch black, and the roads are icy. You can't be driving.
EMILY: Well, I'm not going back to that room.
LORELAI: I'm guessing you and Dad had it out about the job thing?
EMILY: We haven't even spoken since dinner. I'm so upset, I wouldn't know where to begin. And I couldn't take being around him anymore. What he did is inexcusable. Not letting me know he left his job - as if it didn't affect me?
LORELAI: Aw mom, try to calm down. Here, take this bed, and Rory and I will share.
EMILY: I'm just a burden.
LORELAI: You're not a burden, Mom.
EMILY: Well, okay, thank you. Can I use the mirror in the bathroom for a second?
LORELAI: Yes, I'll use the one out here.
[Rory watches as Lorelai and Emily both apply cream to their face]
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Behold my future.
EMILY: How do you turn out the light?
LORELAI: I'll get it.
EMILY: I still can't believe it.
LORELAI: Try to relax Mom.
EMILY: I hope he doesn't sleep because I surely won't.
LORELAI: Oh, Mom.
EMILY: These slippers you have here are hardly one size fits all. They're too big.
LORELAI: Goodnight.
EMILY: It was so irresponsible.
LORELAI: Maybe he had no choice.
EMILY: Of course he had a choice. Go to sleep Lorelai.
LORELAI: That job was k*lling him, Mom. It was k*lling him.
EMILY: I'm going for a little walk.
RORY: Grandma, it's late.
EMILY: I'm not tired.
LORELAI: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmores of our lives.
CUT TO LOBBY
[Emily walks in and finds Richard sitting on the sofa]
EMILY: I didn't know you were here.
RICHARD: Emily, don't go.
EMILY: I'm very tired.
RICHARD: I want to talk to you, please. I don't need to remind you about how I've been feeling at work, and my frustration just built to the point where
again, you know this. So, I arranged to meet the CEO yesterday just to talk about the situation and about the rumors I'd heard floating around. So I met with Floyd. We shook hands, had coffee, then I started telling him about how unhappy I'd become. I detailed all my years with the company, all the travel I'd done, all the weekends I put in, the sacrifices I'd made, including time with my family, for the firm. And the more I talked, the angrier I became, and then suddenly I heard myself resign, just like that. Floyd was stunned. I'd never seen Floyd stunned. I enjoyed seeing Floyd stunned. So I finished my coffee and I walked out of that office, and I couldn't believe what I'd just done. I'd resigned, quit. I believe I even used a little profanity in the process. But you know what Emily? I was thrilled, elated, a giant weight had been lifted off my chest. I noticed Floyd's secretary staring at me, and I realized it was because I was smiling. Well, nobody had seen me smile there in a very long time. I was. . .I was happy.
EMILY: And you chose not to tell me? Your own wife.
RICHARD: Oh Emily, I know I've done nothing but disappoint you these past few months, what with how isolated I've become and all the social engagements I've made you cancel, and all the friendships I've jeopardized. And you like order, you like lists, you like to know where you're going or what's coming. You like all things planned. And then suddenly I impulsively unplan our entire future in one fail swoop. Well, I couldn't face disappointing you again. I couldn't face telling you that I'd spoiled the plan. Not now, not at this time of year. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to worry, I just wanted to keep being happy. I'm very, very sorry. Anyhow, um, I've been sitting here going over our financial situation. Now, um, we still have all of our retirement accounts, and our medical coverage is all there, By quitting though, we do forgo some of my pension and some stock options. Not a terribly significant amount, but an amount all the same.
EMILY: Richard, let's just go to bed.
CUT TO LOBBY
[The next morning, the guests are leaving]
RORY: See ya Bootsy.
BOOTSY: See ya, thanks. By the way, last night did I sing Hotel California?
RORY: From beginning to end.
LORELAI: While banging spoons on your head.
BOOTSY: Well that explains the lumps.
LORELAI: Bye.
MISS PATTY: Lorelai, darling, oh thank you for everything.
LORELAI: Patty, your timing is excellent. There's Claude over there. Want me to do some matchmaking?
MISS PATTY: Aww, he's wearing a golf shirt and cotton Dockers.
LORELAI: So it was the uniform, huh?
MISS PATTY: Aw, it's the Biloxi Naval Base all over again.
LORELAI: See ya.
MISS PATTY: Bye.
LORELAI: Hey Mom. You didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky?
EMILY: Could you be any cruder?
LORELAI: Yeah, I can be cruder. Hey mom, did you get la
RORY: Thanks for coming! It was fun. Is everything okay?
RICHARD: Everything's okay.
EMILY: We'll see you next Friday.
LORELAI: Bye. Bye Dad.
RICHARD: Bye Lorelai.
SOOKIE: You just had one grub too many. Just drink lots of water to rehydrate.
JACKSON: I will.
LORELAI: Jackson, thank you for being our Squire.
JACKSON: Oh, you're welcome. Hey, uh, by the way, last night when Bootsy was singing Hotel California and banging spoons on his head, did I
LORELAI: Lift up your shirt and play drums on your stomach? Yes you did.
JACKSON: Oh boy.
RORY: You kept a good b*at.
SOOKIE: Yeah, 'cause God knows if the b*at was off, you'd have embarrassed yourself.
CLARA: Thanks Rory.
RORY: Clara, I'm glad you came.
DEAN: So I'll see you later.
CLARA: Don't kiss.
DEAN: Aw, come on.
CLARA: Don't kiss.
[Dean covers Clara's eyes while he kisses Rory]
CLARA: Come on.
DEAN: So I guess we're off.
RORY: I guess so.
[Dean walks away, then glances back and sees Rory and Jess smiling at each other]
LORELAI: Bye you guys. Ugh, let's go home.
RORY: Are we coming to get our bags later?
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Because we're walking home. I don't want to carry 'em.
LORELAI: Who says we're walking?
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Rory ride home in a horse-drawn sleigh.]
LORELAI: This is the only way to ride.
RORY: I wholeheartedly agree.
[Lorelai sees that the elaborate overdone snowman has been smashed]
LORELAI: Whoa, what happened there?
RORY: I have no idea.
LORELAI: Bad news for ringer guy. But guess who wins by default?
RORY: I guess that would be us.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x10 - The Bracebridge Dinner"} | foreverdreaming |
2.11 - Secrets and Loans
written by Linda Loiselle Guzik
directed by Nicole Holofcener
OPEN AT LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai sits at a table doing homework as Luke walks around pouring coffee]
LORELAI: Time?
LUKE: 4:30.
LORELAI: Fill me up?
LUKE: That's your sixth cup.
LORELAI: Yes it is.
LUKE: How 'bout some tea?
LORELAI: Absolutely, throw it in with the coffee.
LUKE: I assume Rory's meeting you here.
LORELAI: Yes she is and she's late and I have to go to class tonight so that means I have ten more minutes.
[Rory enters the diner holding an envelope]
RORY: I got it!
LORELAI: You did?
RORY: Right here.
LORELAI: Ooh! Well hurry up, open it! Leave the pot Ethel.
LUKE: I'm just an enabler.
LORELAI: Okay, just remember these are PSATs, okay, so it's like the Baby Gap, they don't count as much. Plus, you can take them over again. Plus, you are very young and have years of learning ahead of you and the really important thing is that you tried very hard.
RORY: I got a 740 verbal and a 760 math.
LORELAI: Ugh, thank God you're not an idiot.
RORY: I got a 740 verbal and a 760 math?
LORELAI: Those are damn good scores little lady, really. Amazing, top notch. Those are PSAT-rific. Sorry, it was just lying there, I had to go for it. You're frowning.
RORY: How did I get a higher score in math?
LORELAI: Who cares?
RORY: But I'm stronger in verbal. Verbal is my thing.
LORELAI: No, verbal's my thing.
RORY: Maybe I didn't study hard enough. Maybe I got cocky.
LORELAI: Maybe you need a major mud bath/salt glow/chill pill combo.
RORY: I'm just saying. . .
LORELAI: Rory, you got a great score.
RORY: Yeah but. . .
LORELAI: No, a great score.
RORY: A great score?
LORELAI: That is a score you have earned and you deserve and will allow you to look down on me for many years to come.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay. So we should celebrate. Hey, how about we get all dressed up tonight and h*t the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
RORY: Are you serious?
LORELAI: Please, I'm always serious.
RORY: Can I invite Lane?
LORELAI: Absolutely.
RORY: Okay. I hope she gets this in time. She's been kind of hard to reach lately.
LORELAI: Well, maybe she can't handle the pressure of having such a brilliant best friend. Brilliant in math, the verbal's kinda sad.
RORY: Thank you Mom.
LUKE: You're late.
LORELAI: Oh sh**t, I am. I have to go. Hey, Rory kicked some major PSAT ass today.
LUKE: Yeah? Congratulations.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: And to celebrate, we're gonna h*t the Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight.
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: Yes. I am Magenta, Rory usually opts for Janet, and I had a thought.
LUKE: Oh yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah. I was thinking that you could put on some fishnet stockings, a leather teddy, some platform boots, and go with us as Dr. Frank-N-Furter.
LUKE: Hmm. Well, now that is a thought.
LORELAI: You'll also need some gloves and a wig.
LUKE: Gloves, wigs, got it.
LORELAI: I'll do your makeup.
LUKE: Oh, that'll be a help.
LORELAI: There you go.
LUKE: Okay, sounds great.
LORELAI: Great. So eight o'clock, I'll swing around and get ya?
LUKE: Sure, good.
LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: Oh hey, if by some chance you knock on the door but no one answers even though all the lights are on, I'll just meet you there.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: So I'll see you tomorrow morning?
LUKE: Yeah, I'll be the one with the coffee.
LORELAI: [to Rory] Hey, make sure you gloat a little. It's good for the skin.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is lying in bed as her alarm is going off. She turns it off, sits up, puts on her robe and walks into the kitchen. She smiles at Rory as she pours herself a cup of coffee, then walks outside along the front porch. As she goes to pick up the newspaper, her foot goes through the porch.]
LORELAI: Agh! Rory!
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
RORY: So do you think the porch is falling apart or do you just weigh a ton?
LORELAI: The porch is fine. It just has a little extra ventilation in it now, that's all.
RORY: The wood is old and rotting.
LORELAI: The wood is not old and rotting, it is strong and sprightly and will be with us for a long, long time to come.
RORY: So you do weigh a ton?
[Kirk opens the back door]
KIRK: Well, I checked under the entire house.
LORELAI: And?
KIRK: You have termites.
LORELAI: What?
KIRK: Tens of thousands of them. Subterranean, dry wood, the whole gamut.
RORY: Gross.
KIRK: Four of them crawled up my noise.
LORELAI: Okay, Kirk.
KIRK: It happens all the time when you're upside down. To them the nostril looks just like another hollow passage in the wood. They're not too bright.
LORELAI: Okay, so, we have termites. So what do we - um, don't you want to come inside Kirk?
KIRK: Actually, I would prefer to discuss this outside.
LORELAI: Kirk?
CUT TO FRONT PORCH
KIRK: Okay, let's get down to it. From what I've just witnessed, your house is a bug-infested smorgasbord. Are those for me?
ORY: Oh, yeah. [hands him some waffles]
KIRK: Thanks.
LORELAI: But what do we do?
KIRK: Well. . .uh, if you don't mind, I'd prefer to discuss this on the lawn.
LORELAI: Why?
KIRK: Because this porch could give out on us at any minute.
LORELAI: Kirk, that's crazy. Kirk, stop, the porch is fine.
RORY: Your foot went through it this morning.
LORELAI: That was different, that wood was old.
RORY: What happened to sprightly?
LORELAI: Kirk, what are you doing?
KIRK: Just making sure that if the roof comes down, the debris can't ricochet over here and take me out.
LORELAI: Honey, in five more minutes, it won't need to.
KIRK: What?
LORELAI: Kirk, please, talk to me about the termites. What do I have to do, tent the place?
KIRK: To start with, yes.
RORY: To start with?
LORELAI: What does that mean?
KIRK: It means they've done some serious damage under there. They've eaten through the wooden joists. Your foundation has completely lost its structural integrity.
RORY: Mom, our house is falling down.
LORELAI: Okay, what do I have to do to fix this?
KIRK: You'd have to jack the house up, rebuild the jousts, and repair the weakened parts of the foundation.
LORELAI: All for the low, low price of?
KIRK: Well, I haven't done the exact estimate, but I'd say somewhere in the neighborhood of fifteen thousand dollars.
LORELAI: [laughs] Tell it to move to another neighborhood.
KIRK: I'm sorry?
LORELAI: Fifteen thousand dollars?
RORY: We're never eating again.
LORELAI: I don't have fifteen thousand dollars. I've never had fifteen thousand dollars. I'm trying to picture fifteen thousand dollars - I can't! That's how unfamiliar fifteen thousand dollars and I are with each other!
KIRK: Well, maybe you can just fix part of the house. Fix the part you like.
LORELAI: We like the entire house Kirk.
KIRK: Really? Even that kitchen?
LORELAI: Thanks for coming over Kirk.
KIRK: So what are you gonna do?
LORELAI: I don't know yet.
KIRK: Oh, 'cause you don't wanna wait too long to address this.
LORELAI: Yeah, I get that Kirk.
KIRK: You might wanna get the dishes out of there.
LORELAI: Good tip.
KIRK: Thanks for the waffles.
LORELAI: Thanks for the horrifying news.
KIRK: Any time. [leaves]
LORELAI: Look at it this way. The day's all uphill from here.
RORY: This is really bad.
LORELAI: Honey, don't worry. We'll figure something out.
RORY: Okay. We should get inside.
LORELAI: Yeah. After you.
CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA
[Louise and Madeline sit at one end of a table counting out Fritos, Rory sits at the other end reading.]
LOUISE: Ten, eleven, twelve. Here.
MADELINE: Thanks. One, Two, Three. . .
LOUISE: I'm depressed.
MADELINE: Jeremy didn't call?
LOUISE: Not in a timely manner, no.
MADELINE: Well, good riddance to bad luggage.
LOUISE: I guess. I just thought we really connected the other day in the supply closet.
MADELINE: Boys. A Nancy Drew mystery.
[Paris sits down with her lunch tray]
PARIS: Louise, Madeline.
LOUISE: You look happy.
PARIS: Really? Huh.
MADELINE: What?
PARIS: Nothing. It's just a nice day. A nice, nice day.
MADELINE: Okay.
PARIS: So, did you get your PSAT scores back yet?
MADELINE: Oh yeah, yesterday.
PARIS: And?
MADELINE: 500 verbal, 560 math.
PARIS: Respectable.
MADELINE: I thought so.
PARIS: Louise, what did you get?
LOUISE: Highlights, just around my face.
PARIS: You will take them again and do better.
LOUISE: I will take them again and get my nose done.
PARIS: You don't study, you don't apply yourself.
LOUISE: Blah, blah, blah. I need another chip.
MADELINE: Take them.
PARIS: So, I got my scores back today too.
MADELINE: Oh yeah?
PARIS: This morning. I just came downstairs and there they were, just sitting on the table. Boy, was I nervous, just imagining what I got. But then I realized that I'd have to open them eventually, and so I did. And was I surprised by what I found. Could've knocked me over with a feather. Yup, I was just that surprised.
RORY: So, what did you get?
PARIS: Well Rory, since you asked, and by the way I'm not bragging or anything, but I got a 750 math and a 730 verbal.
MADELINE: Wow, that is good.
LOUISE: Congratulations.
PARIS: Thank you.
RORY: Those are great scores.
PARIS: So, did you get your scores back yet?
RORY: Yup.
PARIS: And?
RORY: I'm happy.
PARIS: How happy?
RORY: Pretty happy.
PARIS: Yes, but how do I know that you're not one of those people who gets pretty happy looking at a sunset? How do I know what your barometer for being pretty happy is?
RORY: You don't.
PARIS: Right. So are you?
RORY: Am I what?
PARIS: Are you one of those people who gets pretty happy looking at a sunset?
RORY: I don't get unhappy looking at a sunset.
PARIS: What did you get?
RORY: That's personal.
PARIS: Why won't you tell me?
RORY: 'Cause it's none of your business.
PARIS: Okay, fine, don't tell me what you got.
RORY: I won't.
PARIS: Why won't you tell me your score?
RORY: Bye Paris.
PARIS: You're not torturing me, you know. I don't care. My scores were great. I'm very, very happy with my scores. And I hate looking at a sunset so my standard for happiness is high!
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[At nighttime, Lorelai goes into Rory's room and wakes her up.]
LORELAI: Rory, wake up.
RORY: What's going on?
LORELAI: I can hear them chewing.
RORY: Who?
LORELAI: The termites. I hear them. They're everywhere, nibbling and eating and swallowing.
RORY: You're insane.
LORELAI: I can't sleep here.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: No, we have to go to Sookie's.
RORY: You're kidding right?
LORELAI: Unh uh.
RORY: It's eleven o'clock at night.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, here. But somewhere in the world it's still Miller time.
RORY: Mom, you're wigging. Go put on some imaginary earplugs to drown out the imaginary termite sounds and go back to sleep.
LORELAI: But -.
RORY: Bed.
LORELAI: But -.
RORY: Now.
LORELAI: But - ugh. You really don't hear them?
RORY: No, and as soon as you're asleep, you won't either.
LORELAI: Okay, fine. Goodnight
RORY: Goodnight.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[That night, Lorelai and Rory are walking to Sookie's house.]
RORY: Ugh, I feel like they're crawling all over me.
LORELAI: Ugh, I know, with their creepy little fangy teeth and their tail things and their pointy tentacles.
RORY: You have no idea what a termite looks like, do you?
LORELAI: Hey, unless they're wearing a foundation repair guy T-shirt, I don't really care.
RORY: Are you sure Sookie was up?
LORELAI: Yeah, she answered the phone.
RORY: After how many rings?
LORELAI: I don't know, twenty or thirty.
RORY: Mom, she was sleeping.
LORELAI: No, no, she's just deaf in one ear.
RORY: Since when?
LORELAI: Now, apparently.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Well, you would have to be deaf in one ear not to hear the phone ring twenty or thirty times.
[They ring the doorbell, Sookie answers]
SOOKIE: They're they are, my little termite whisperers.
LORELAI: Hey Sookie, sorry to call so late.
RORY: And so incessantly.
LORELAI: Well I'm sorry, they were getting organized. I heard one of them yell charge.
RORY: We will make this up to you Sookie.
SOOKIE: What are you talking about? This is great. It'll be like a slumber party.
RORY: Are you sure?
SOOKIE: Absolutely. We can raid the fridge. We can make a nice avocado- mango face mask. Get out the tarot cards, tell fortunes, play Twister, make a Häagen-Dazs chocolate chocolate chip ice cream milkshake, and we'll watch Purple Rain. . .
LORELAI: Sookie, it's midnight.
SOOKIE: Okay, let's go straight for the milkshakes.
LORELAI: Good thinking.
RORY: I'm gonna put my stuff in the guest room.
CUT TO KITCHEN
LORELAI: Sookie, I really appreciate you letting us crash here tonight. It was so creepy just lying there listening to a thousand tiny little insects just mocking me. 'Ha ha, we're eating your house, try and stop us.'
SOOKIE: When are you going to tent?
LORELAI: Next week.
SOOKIE: Ugh, that sucks.
LORELAI: Two thousand dollars.
SOOKIE: That sucks.
LORELAI: And after the two thousand dollar circus tent fiasco, I have to find another fifteen thousand dollars to keep my house from falling down.
SOOKIE: Aw honey.
LORELAI: I like that house.
SOOKIE: I know you do.
LORELAI: I don't want it to fall down.
SOOKIE: I know you don't.
LORELAI: So anyway, I called the bank today.
SOOKIE: How did that go?
LORELAI: Well, it - wait, yeah, oh, what's that? Yeah, they're still laughing.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Yeah, they passed the phone around, made me ask everyone in the place.
SOOKIE: That is terrible! Ugh, completely heartless.
LORELAI: According to the jolly bankers, I'm worth nothing.
SOOKIE: There still has to be something you can do.
LORELAI: I was thinking about opening a Coyote Ugly lemonade stand.
SOOKIE: Interesting.
[Rory walks into the kitchen]
RORY: What's interesting?
LORELAI: Mm, nothing, nothing. Just that your mom is apparently one of the biggest losers in Stars Hollow.
RORY: Okay, continue.
SOOKIE: I think you should call them again tomorrow.
LORELAI: No, uh, Sookie. . .
SOOKIE: No, I mean it. I mean, you're an upstanding citizen, you're an active part of the community.
RORY: Yeah, you made all of the donkey outfits for the Christmas festival last year.
SOOKIE: You organized the Save the Historic Oak Tree campaign.
RORY: And you played Tevye in the, uh, Stars Hollow Community Theater production of Fiddler on the Roof.
LORELAI: Yes, well, five and a half stars from the Stars Hollow Gazette, unheard of 'til that time.
SOOKIE: They should take that into account.
RORY: Yes, they should.
LORELAI: Yes, they should, but they won't.
[A noise comes from Sookie's closet.]
SOOKIE: Hey, uh, I bet there's a room at the inn you could stay in, part time at least.
LORELAI: Sookie, what was that?
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: That noise.
SOOKIE: What noise?
LORELAI: Sookie, a huge thud just came from your closet.
SOOKIE: Oh, yeah, that's my shoes.
LORELAI: Your shoes?
SOOKIE: Yeah, that's my shoe closet, and um, sometimes I don't, uh, stack them properly and then, uh, they fall and then there's a thudding sound and then, uh, no, you, uh, and that's probably the sound that you just heard. Ooh, the ice cream's getting, uh, melted so you better -.
[Lorelai knocks on the closet door]
LORELAI: Jackson?
JACKSON: Yes?
LORELAI: How're you doing?
JACKSON: I'm doing fine, you?
LORELAI: Sookie, Jackson's hiding in the closet.
SOOKIE: Yes he is.
LORELAI: Why didn't you say something?
SOOKIE: Well, because you were upset and you were bringing Rory over and I didn't want her to feel weird or uncomfortable.
LORELAI: So you stuck Jackson in the closet?
JACKSON: Yes she did.
RORY: Jackson, come out.
JACKSON: I'm in my pajamas.
LORELAI: So are we.
JACKSON: Yeah, but mine are humiliating.
LORELAI: We won't laugh.
JACKSON: Yes you will.
RORY: I promise we won't.
JACKSON: I'm fine.
LORELAI: Well, are you gonna be fine in there all night 'cause that's how long we're staying - all night.
RORY: And knowing Sookie, she's gonna make a big breakfast.
LORELAI: That's right, so tonight will last until late tomorrow morning, so the bottom line for you here buddy is you're gonna be holed up in that closet a very, very long time.
JACKSON: If I come out, you have to understand one thing.
LORELAI: Okay.
JACKSON: I have a cousin who owns a Xerox company that specializes in taking pictures and making them into things - calendars, coffee mugs, collector plates, and pajamas.
LORELAI: Jackson's wearing picture pajamas?
SOOKIE: Yes he is.
LORELAI: Does he do this often?
SOOKIE: Almost every night.
RORY: What are the pictures of?
SOOKIE: Him.
LORELAI: Oh!
SOOKIE: During high school.
LORELAI: Ahh!
SOOKIE: In his wrestling uniform.
LORELAI: Jackson, you have to come out here right now!
JACKSON: No.
LORELAI: Why?
JACKSON: Because you sound too eager.
LORELAI: I'm not eager, am I eager?
RORY: Put your paws down.
LORELAI: Jackson, I'm not eager. I just want you to come out here and be comfortable, that's all.
JACKSON: Well, okay.
[Jackson opens the closet door]
LORELAI: Huh.
SOOKIE: Okay, well honey, we're making milkshakes, you wanna come in and help?
JACKSON: Okay.
LORELAI: [quietly to Rory] If our house does fall down and we end up living in a hollowed out tree, this moment might make it all worth it.
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Rory walks through the front door]
RORY: Hello? Lane?
MRS. KIM: What are you doing here?
RORY: Mrs. Kim, hi. I was just - .
MRS. KIM: Out.
RORY: What?
MRS. KIM: Out, out, out!
RORY: But I wiped off my feet.
MRS. KIM: Move! Move!
[Mrs. Kim ushers Rory outside]
RORY: I was just looking for Lane and I thought that maybe she was - .
MRS. KIM: Taylor says you have termites.
RORY: I don't have termites, my house does.
MRS. KIM: You are a carrier.
RORY: I don't think you can really be a termite carrier.
MRS. KIM: You'll spread it all over town.
RORY: Mrs. Kim, I swear, we don't control the termites. They move around on their own.
MRS. KIM: See all the furniture in there? Wood, all wood. You must go. Go now!
RORY: Can you just tell me if Lane is home?
MRS. KIM: No.
RORY: Well, do you know where she is?
MRS. KIM: School.
RORY: Still?
MRS. KIM: Yes, still. She's there, she's studying. What's that moving by your foot?
RORY: What?
MRS. KIM: I see something moving by your foot.
RORY: Nope, there's nothing, I swear.
[Mrs. Kim sprays the hose near Rory's feet]
RORY: Agh! Will you tell her I came by?
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai sits at the living room couch working on the computer. Rory walks over and sits near her.]
RORY: And then she chased me halfway down the street with the hose. It was like a scene from Silkwood.
LORELAI: Ugh, news travels way too fast around here.
RORY: Four people asked me when we were tenting, two people asked me if we were moving, and one person asked me if we were atheists.
LORELAI: See, we have to stop talking to people. We have to stay at home with the curtains drawn collecting stacks of old newspapers, muttering to each other, eating nothing but Cup of Soup and Slim Jims.
[phone rings, Rory answers]
RORY: Hello?
MADELINE: Hi Rory, it's Madeline.
RORY: Oh, hi.
MADELINE: Listen, I have to ask you a little favor.
RORY: Okay.
MADELINE: Well, see, I'm working on an article for the Franklin - totally last minute. But I thought it would be really interesting to compare Chilton's overall PSAT scores to other prep schools in the area.
RORY: Uh huh.
MADELINE: So I'm trying to compile a list of people's scores, especially the top students, and I realized I don't have yours yet.
RORY: Oh, so you wanna know my PSAT scores?
MADELINE: Yes, that would be great.
RORY: Put Paris on the phone.
MADELINE: Excuse me?
RORY: Paris, let me talk to her.
MADELINE: Oh, Paris isn't here. I don't know where she is. She's probably at her house, or maybe at the library, or maybe she's buying pencils because she goes through them so fast 'cause she pushes down on them really hard and then they break and . . .
RORY: Madeline.
MADELINE: Hold on. [hands phone to Paris]
PARIS: What?
RORY: Pathetic.
PARIS: Why won't you tell me?
RORY: Bye Paris.
PARIS: Tell me those scores, I have to know! Rory?
[Rory hangs up]
LORELAI: Paris again?
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: God. You know, I think if we put Paris and my mother in a room together, the world would implode.
RORY: I'll keep that in mind for the next science fair.
LORELAI: Enough. Now I've got computer screens feeling sorry for me.
RORY: Geez, how many places is that?
LORELAI: Aw honey, it's not the amount of places that turns you down that matters, it's the quality of the place that turns you down that matters. And when you've got Jacko's Loans and Stuff not wanting your business, you know it's time to hang out with the Coreys.
RORY: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: It's okay. I won't think about it tonight. I'll think about it tomorrow - at Tara. You ready?
RORY: One sec. You know Mom, I hate to bring this up, but I think there's a really obvious solution to our problem.
LORELAI: I know hon.
RORY: You do?
LORELAI: Yes. And frankly, I think if I sold you into white sl*very, I would miss you.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Rory, please don't go where you're going.
RORY: I think they would say yes.
LORELAI: Of course they would say yes. And that yes would be followed by, 'Okay, okay, enough already. My God, please stop. I'm a shell, I've got nothing left to give.'
RORY: That's not true.
LORELAI: That is completely true.
RORY: Grandma and Grandpa would wanna help.
LORELAI: Rory, I went to my parents for you for Chilton. Why? Because that was worth all the obligation. This is not.
RORY: This is our home.
LORELAI: Yes, and I'll find a way to fix it.
RORY: But how?
LORELAI: I don't know yet.
RORY: Well if you don't know yet, then maybe there's not another way.
LORELAI: There's always another way.
RORY: Was there another way with Chilton?
LORELAI: That was different.
RORY: Why was that different?
LORELAI: Because I said that was different and I'm the one doing the groveling and the groveling gets you judgment rights and I am judging that this is different.
RORY: Well, the remaining judge begs to differ.
LORELAI: Rory, I know you mean well, but I'm not gonna deal with my parents on this one, okay?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: You're being stubborn.
LORELAI: Oh no, have I shocked you?
RORY: Fine, let's go.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the living room couch. Emily hands them each a drink, then sits down in the chair.]
RORY: So where's Grandpa tonight?
EMILY: He's at work.
LORELAI: Mom, did you explain to him that part of the quitting process means you don't go back to the job you quit?
EMILY: He did not quit, he resigned.
LORELAI: Hmm, same rules apply.
EMILY: No, when you resign you have to put in a certain amount of time to get things in order. He has clients to see, certain accounts to close out.
RORY: Is that hard for him?
EMILY: Actually, I think he's rather enjoying it.
RORY: Well good.
EMILY: Yes, it is good. [sees Lorelai taking a pill] What are you taking?
LORELAI: Roofies.
RORY: Aspirin.
EMILY: Are you getting sick?
LORELAI: No, I just have a headache.
EMILY: Well having a headache means you're sick. You think it's normal to have a headache?
LORELAI: No, I just have a tension headache.
EMILY: Well, what do you have to be tense about?
LORELAI: Oh, well, I can't begin to think.
EMILY: You should lie down.
LORELAI: I'm fine.
EMILY: You work too hard.
LORELAI: No, I don't.
EMILY: If you didn't work so hard you wouldn't have a tension headache.
LORELAI: It's not a work tension headache, Mom.
EMILY: So then you are sick?
LORELAI: Actually, I am, I'm sick.
EMILY: I knew it, what's wrong?
LORELAI: Consumption with a touch of the vapors. I'm going for a leeching tonight after coffee.
RORY: She's got a case of exterminator-itis.
EMILY: What's that mean?
LORELAI: Nothing.
RORY: We have termites.
EMILY: Oh that's terrible!
LORELAI: It's not so bad.
RORY: They're eating our whole house.
LORELAI: But they always say thank you.
EMILY: What does that mean, they're eating your whole house?
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: Well, we found out that we have all these foundation problems and it's going to be very expensive to fix and Mom can't get a loan.
LORELAI: That is not true.
RORY: You've been turned down by five banks.
LORELAI: Hey, I made up Jacko's Loans and Stuff.
RORY: Fine, four banks.
[Emily walks over to a desk and sits down. Lorelai follows her.]
LORELAI: Mom, uh, wait. What are you doing?
EMILY: I'm writing you a check.
LORELAI: No you're not. Okay, hold on here.
EMILY: How much do you need?
LORELAI: Nothing.
EMILY: Don't be ridiculous, just tell me how much.
LORELAI: I can handle this.
EMILY: It doesn't sound like you can handle it.
LORELAI: Well, I can.
EMILY: Fine, if you won't tell me how much, I'll leave the amount blank and you can fill it in later.
LORELAI: Mom, stop. [takes Emily's pen out of her hand and walks back to the couch]
EMILY: You took my pen!
LORELAI: Mom, I appreciate the thought, but I don't need your money.
EMILY: So you'd rather have your house fall down then let your mother help you?
LORELAI: Mom, the house is not gonna fall down. Let's not make this a big issue. Let's just sit down and have a drink and have dinner, okay?
EMILY: All right.
LORELAI: Thank you
EMILY: Are you going to give me back my pen?
LORELAI: Yeah, after dinner.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk through the front door.]
RORY: Mom, stop it. Talk to me. [Lorelai ignores her and goes upstairs] It's been two hours since you've even looked in my direction.
CUT TO LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Lorelai walks in and starts cleaning off her bed. Rory walks in a few seconds later]
RORY: Okay, I get it, you're mad.
LORELAI: Rory, I do not want to talk about this right now.
ORY: You were just being stubborn.
LORELAI: Go to bed.
RORY: Well you didn't want to ask for help, so I did.
LORELAI: Hey, do you remember the conversation we had before we left this house tonight?
RORY: Yes, but -.
LORELAI: I told you going to my parents was not an option.
RORY: I know, but -.
LORELAI: In fact, I told you several times that asking my parents was not an option. Now yes, I might have made a few quips to lighten the subject matter, but I still think I made my point pretty damn clear.
RORY: Fine, but we have a real problem here.
LORELAI: Oh, you think I don't know that? You think I sit around all day swapping witticisms with Robert Benchley at the Algonquin? No! I am thinking and worrying and using the computer and I hate using the computer!
RORY: Which is exactly why I brought this up.
LORELAI: You had no right to bring it up!
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Because I told you not to, that's why!
RORY: But -.
LORELAI: No, there are no buts! There will be no buts here! There's 'I'm sorry Mom', there's 'I screwed up Mom', there's 'I'll never do it again Mom', but there are no buts!
RORY: But -.
LORELAI: Out!
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Go to bed. We're done.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH
[Rory sits on the front steps reading. From behind, Dean throws a basketball towards her]
DEAN: Think fast! Very good.
RORY: You threw a basketball at my head.
DEAN: No, I threw a basketball past your head.
RORY: What if I had turned around when you said that?
DEAN: Then you might've caught it, thereby completing the whole 'think fast' equation.
RORY: I don't catch basketballs.
DEAN: Duly noted.
RORY: I don't even like basketballs.
DEAN: Okay, I'm very sorry.
RORY: In fact, out of all the sporting balls in the world, the basketball is probably my least favorite.
DEAN: Rory.
RORY: They're round and hard.
DEAN: Rory.
RORY: And they're orange.
DEAN: And you do realize how insane you sound right now?
RORY: Yes.
DEAN: Okay, just checking.
RORY: I'm sorry, I'm in a horrible mood.
DEAN: Hadn't noticed.
RORY: It's just, we've had fights before.
DEAN: You and me?
RORY: Me and Mom.
DEAN: Ah.
RORY: But this one is particularly crazy. I mean, we have a situation here and she's being so stubborn.
DEAN: Huh.
RORY: What?
DEAN: What what?
RORY: What was with the huh?
DEAN: Nothing.
RORY: No, there was a meaning behind that huh. That was a loaded huh. That was not a normal huh. You meant to say something with that huh, and now you're taking it back.
DEAN: Okay, now. . .
RORY: Don't use that kind of huh if you're not prepared to defend it. Why aren't you saying anything?
DEAN: Because words are a very dangerous thing right now.
RORY: You were saying that I'm stubborn just like my mother.
DEAN: I was saying that in addition to all of the wonderful amazing qualities that the two of you share there is possibly, on occasion, a similar tendency to dig your heels in.
RORY: I hate it when we fight.
DEAN: I know.
RORY: She was so mad.
DEAN: Well you'll make up. You wanna get a coffee?
RORY: Yeah.
DEAN: All right, I'll go get my ball.
[As Dean walks away, some cheerleaders walk out of the school. Rory sees that Lane is one of them. They make eye contact and quickly look away as Dean returns with a flattened ball.]
DEAN: If it makes you feel any better, a car ran over it.
RORY: I need to get coffee now.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai walks through the lobby talking on the phone]
LORELAI: Hi Mr. Regalsky, it's Lorelai Gilmore. Again, yes, just like the pink bunny with the drum. Uh, anyway, I was wondering if, um, you have had a chance to reconsider my loan? . . . Uh, no, I think it's Energizer. . . I know you said no, but um, you know sometimes people say no and then they wake up one morning a couple of days later and think, 'Hey, maybe I shouldn't have turned down that nice single mom with the good job and the great credentials and the references up the wazoo' . . . I do like the word wazoo. . . I understand. . .Okay, well, I'll give you a call in a couple of days then. . . Thank you. [hangs up]
MICHEL: Perhaps you are taking the wrong approach.
LORELAI: Meaning?
MICHEL: Well, you've tried to convince them of your virtue, perhaps it's time to offer them a lap dance. You didn't.
LORELAI: I was kidding, sort of.
MICHEL: Oh dear.
LORELAI: Well I have to do something and I'm not sure exactly where to draw the line.
MICHEL: You know in Thailand, women do this trick with a Ping-Pong ball that is a big crowd pleaser.
LORELAI: Line drawn, thank you.
[phone rings, Michel answers]
MICHEL: Independence Inn, Michel speaking. Ah, yes. She is right here. [hands phone to Lorelai] Your mother.
LORELAI: Hi mom.
EMILY: Lorelai, I called to tell you I talked to Miles Hahn today.
LORELAI: Well, that sounds very nice, I'm glad.
EMILY: You have any idea who Miles Hahn is?
LORELAI: Not a bit.
EMILY: He's the president of the First National Bank. We've been doing business with him for years. He's become a very dear friend of ours actually.
LORELAI: What does that have to do with me Mom?
EMILY: Well, I brought up your little dilemma to him.
LORELAI: Oh boy.
EMILY: And he told me that if you were in the mood to come talk to him, you could feel free to do so. On Thursday, at 3:15.
LORELAI: So you wrangled me a meeting at your bank?
EMILY: I asked a friend for advice.
LORELAI: What else did you ask him for Mom?
EMILY: Lorelai, I simply asked a man to talk to you. What you talk about or what comes out of that talk is strictly up to you.
LORELAI: Well, thanks Mom, but I'm fine.
EMILY: So you got a loan?
LORELAI: I got a lead.
EMILY: A lead on a loan?
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY: How nice. Now if you could just get an actual loan.
LORELAI: Okay Mom, I gotta get back to work.
EMILY: Thursday at 3:15.
LORELAI: Mom, tell your friend thank you, but I'm afraid I won't be able to make it.
EMILY: He'll be there whether you show up or not, it's up to you. All I did was make an appointment Lorelai, that's all.
LORELAI: Great. Bye Mom. [hangs up, then dials a number] Hi, Mr. Regalsky please? It's Lorelai Gilmore. . . Oh, I just spoke to him five minutes ago. . . . When do you expect him back from France?
CUT TO OUTSIDE LUKE'S
[Rory and Dean walk out of the diner.]
DEAN: Okay, so uh, I'll call you later.
RORY: Thanks for the coffee.
DEAN: You're welcome. [they kiss] Bye.
RORY: Bye. [Rory kisses him again] That's for me not thinking fast.
DEAN: Please never think fast again.
RORY: I'll try my hardest.
[Dean walks away. Rory sees Lane across the street, and they walk towards each other.]
LANE: We need to talk.
RORY: Okay, let's talk. Nice outfit.
LANE: Thank you.
RORY: So I guess this is why you've been AWOL for the past couple of weeks?
LANE: Pretty much.
RORY: So what, you just had the urge to stand on top of another girl's shoulders?
LANE: Don't be like that.
RORY: Like what?
LANE: Like you're being. It makes it impossible to tell you.
RORY: You didn't tell me.
LANE: I know.
RORY: Why?
LANE: Because.
RORY: Okay, have you ever thought of being a prosecutor because I think you've got real potential.
LANE: I didn't tell you because I knew you'd act like this.
RORY: No, I'm acting like this because you didn't tell me.
LANE: Oh, so if I'd come up to you and I'd said, 'Rory, I'm wanna become a cheerleader,' you would've said. . .
RORY: Why?
LANE: Exactly.
RORY: Exactly what? Lane, this is weird. I mean, we always used to make fun of cheerleaders. You and I, we would rag on Janie Fertman and hide during pep rallies and now all of a sudden, you're peppy.
LANE: I'm not peppy.
RORY: Well you look peppy.
LANE: Look, you're not around much anymore.
RORY: Oh, so this is my fault?
LANE: And you have Dean.
RORY: So this is his fault?
LANE: It's just . . .I don't know. I don't know why. I just wanted to do it. I just wanted to try it, and I don't feel like I should have to justify it to you or explain it to you or...
RORY: Then don't!
LANE: Fine I won't.
RORY: Okay.
LANE: All right. I forgot my pom.
RORY: Your what?
LANE: Two are pompoms, one's a pom!
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Out front, Luke is lying halfway under the porch as Lorelai sits nearby]
LORELAI: Well, how's it look?
LUKE: It's dark. Hand me the flashlight.
LORELAI: Why don't you have one of those hats with the lights on them?
LUKE: I flip burgers for a living.
LORELAI: Right, right.
LUKE: Okay. I think I've seen enough. [comes out from under the porch]
LORELAI: Well how was it? Was there like a termite housing development under there? Golf courses and condos with rec rooms?
LUKE: It's actually not too bad.
LORELAI: Well what do you know? You flip burgers for a living.
LUKE: I mean, there's definitely a little damage.
LORELAI: Yeah, but Kirk says that the joists were totally gone.
LUKE: Yeah, they are.
LORELAI: And that the foundation has lost all its structural integrity.
LUKE: That's true too.
LORELAI: Okay great, so I'm still screwed.
LUKE: Not necessarily.
LORELAI: Luke, I need fifteen thousand dollars which I can't find, don't have, and if I don't find, the house is gonna fall down.
LUKE: I can help you with that.
LORELAI: You can?
LUKE: Yeah, I can get a couple guys, we can get in there and do the work.
LORELAI: You can fix this?
LUKE: Well, I can help. I know a good contractor. He did some work on the diner.
LORELAI: What about the money?
LUKE: Um, you won't have to deal with that right away.
LORELAI: I won't?
LUKE: No, you can pay it out in installments if you want. Monthly, bimonthly, whatever - whatever you're comfortable with.
LORELAI: So, let me get this straight. Uh, you and some guys who actually know what they're doing are gonna come over and fix my house, and I can pay them back whenever I want?
LUKE: That's right.
LORELAI: 'Cause I'm Tony Soprano?
LUKE: Only scarier.
LORELAI: Now Luke, when I finally do make out this installment check, uh, who should I make it out to?
LUKE: Well, you can make it out to me if you like.
LORELAI: Oh, so basically you would be fronting me the money?
LUKE: Well, yeah, but it's no big deal.
LORELAI: Luke, that's a loan.
LUKE: No, it's just a temporary exchange of money for services that will be paid back when you finally have the. . . it's a loan.
LORELAI: Man, you suck as a liar. Thank you.
LUKE: You're welcome.
LORELAI: I can't take it.
LUKE: I know, but it was worth a sh*t.
[Rory walks up the porch steps]
LORELAI: Hey, uh, Dean called twice.
RORY: Rah, rah, rah. [goes into the house]
LUKE: You two. . .
LORELAI: Don't ask.
LUKE: Okay. So what are you gonna do?
CUT TO FIRST NATIONAL BANK
[Lorelai enters the bank and walks up to a woman]
LORELAI: Oh, excuse me, could you tell me where Mr. Hahn's office is?
WOMAN: Yeah, it's right there.
LORELAI: Oh, thank you.
[Lorelai walks towards the office, but stops when she sees Emily]
LORELAI: You are not seriously sitting there.
EMILY: No, it's a hologram. Lifelike, isn't it?
LORELAI: Mom, why are you here?
EMILY: I just wanted to see if you'd show up.
LORELAI: I did.
EMILY: I see.
LORELAI: Mom, you said you made this appointment for me. Not you, me.
EMILY: I did. But I know Miles and I thought my presence in there would - .
LORELAI: Ooh, ooh. In where?
EMILY: In the meeting.
LORELAI: Okay. Bye.
EMILY: Where are you going? Come back here. Lorelai!
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai walks out of the bank with Emily following her]
EMILY: Lorelai, stop. Will you stop already?
LORELAI: I'm leaving Mom.
EMILY: Why, because I'm here?
LORELAI: This is a business meeting. I'm not going in there with my Mommy, especially since I left my blankie at home.
EMILY: You're being stubborn and short sided.
LORELAI: Call it whatever you want.
EMILY: I don't understand why you would let your silly pride keep you from fixing your home.
LORELAI: I don't understand why you can't physically stop yourself from butting in where you don't belong.
EMILY: I made this appointment.
LORELAI: Against my will.
EMILY: You needed it.
LORELAI: I didn't ask for it.
EMILY: Lorelai, this man can solve your problems, don't you understand that?
LORELAI: Fine. I'll go in, you go home.
EMILY: I can't go home now, his assistant already knows I'm here. It would be rude.
LORELAI: Okay, here's the deal. We will both go in. You will go in that room but you will not say a word.
EMILY: What? But I couldn't possibly just - .
LORELAI: You'll say hello, you'll ask how his wife is, and that's it. After that, you will say nothing, you will do nothing, you will sit in the corner and offer no opinions and pull a full-on Clarence Thomas, am I making myself perfectly clear?
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: It's the only way I'm doing this, Mom.
EMILY: All right, I'll be quiet. I will, I promise.
LORELAI: I swear, one of these days, Alice. Pow! Right to the moon.
EMILY: What on earth are you talking about? Who's Alice?
CUT TO INSIDE BANK
[Lorelai and Emily walk back into the bank.]
MILES: Oh, there you are. I thought you were here, I come out and you were gone.
EMILY: Oh, well, we left something in the car.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, she left something in the car, not me. I never leave anything in the car 'cause that would be irresponsible and forgetful, two things which I am not.
EMILY: Miles, this is my daughter Lorelai.
MILES: Well hello. It's a thrill to finally meet you.
LORELAI: Same here, thank you.
MILES: Would you two like some coffee?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Coffee would be wonderful, thank you.
MILES: Coming right up. [walks away]
LORELAI: Hi, what happened to you not saying anything?
EMILY: Accepting coffee is merely being sociable. Besides, I haven't asked how his wife is yet.
[Miles walks back]
MILES: Okay, coffee's on its way. Why don't we go on in and sit down?
EMILY: That would be lovely.
CUT TO INSIDE OFFICE [The three of them walk in and sit down.]
MILES: So I understand that Richard's retiring.
EMILY: Yes, he's going to be a man of leisure.
MILES: Well, how nice. Any big plans?
EMILY: Actually, an around the world trip has been discussed.
LORELAI: Really? Any dates set?
EMILY: No, not yet.
LORELAI: Just checking.
[the secretary brings in the coffee]
MILES: Ah, Marnie, thank you. So I guess we should probably get down to business. Lorelai, your mother tells me you're having a little trouble finding a loan.
LORELAI: Yes I am. Um, you know, before we talk about this - it's so funny - my mom has just been dying to ask you how your wife is doing. Right mom?
EMILY: Yes, how is Sheryl?
MILES: Why, she's fine.
LORELAI: Okay, good, now that we got that out of the way, about my situation.
MILES: Well, Emily tells me that you have termites.
LORELAI: Yes, we do. And unfortunately they have damaged the foundation of my house.
MILES: That could be terrible. I remember when you and Richard had that foundation problem a couple years ago. What, you had a flood in your basement, wasn't that it?
EMILY: Well, actually -.
LORELAI: You know, Mr. Hahn, I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me today, and I know that the only reason you did is because of my mother, but she's really here today as a kind of silent participant. Uh, not even actually a participant, just a
silent. Um, so I would appreciate it if you would treat me just like any other person who was walking in off the street and asking for a loan.
MILES: Oh, well, of course. If that's what you'd like.
LORELAI: It is, thank you. Now, I've brought, um, all my previous loan documents and also my bank statements, numerous recommendations including a letter from my employer which just basically says that she's not gonna f*re me before you get your money back.
MILES: Oh, you've taken out two previous loans on this house?
LORELAI: Um, yes.
MILES: And this is the estimated worth of the house?
LORELAI: Well, uh, yes.
MILES: And this is the amount in your savings account?
LORELAI: Yes.
MILES: Any other accounts not listed here?
LORELAI: No.
MILES: Any other collateral not listed here?
LORELAI: No.
MILES: Well Ms. Gilmore, I'm sorry, I can't help you.
LORELAI: Uh, that's it? So fast? You didn't even look at the letters of recommendation.
MILES: Well I'm sure you're a well liked person, Ms. Gilmore. Unfortunately being well liked is not grounds for granting a loan.
LORELAI: Oh, but I am good for the money. I, uh, pay off all my debts and I work really hard. I've been the executive manager of the Independence Inn for the last four years now.
MILES: Ms. Gilmore, this is not a reflection of you as a person. It's simply a case where you don't have what the bank requires of every other person off the street to qualify for a loan. Therefore, there's nothing I can do.
LORELAI: Well now, just think about this because, uh, I have a kid and she's gotten awfully used to the whole concept of having a roof over her head.
MILES: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: I can't leave without this loan.
MILES: Well, I'm sorry.
LORELAI: No, I mean it. I can't leave without knowing there's a way that I can save my house, so I'm just asking you to take five minutes and think of something, anything that I can do to get this money.
MILES: Well, you can get someone to cosign the loan with you.
LORELAI: That's it? That's my only option?
MILES: I'm afraid so.
LORELAI: You knew about this, didn't you? Mom?
EMILY: Hm?
LORELAI: Would you be willing. . .
EMILY: It would be my pleasure.
MILES: Wonderful. I'll have the papers drawn up today. Would you like some more coffee?
EMILY: I would love some, thank you.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Emily walk out of the bank]
EMILY: Well, I think that went very well.
LORELAI: So what's the new arrangement gonna be?
EMILY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Well, you helped me pay for Chilton, I gave you Friday night dinners, so what's this, Sunday night tea?
EMILY: Lorelai, I did this for your own good.
LORELAI: Wednesday night bridge club?
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Monday night football?
EMILY: Stop it!
LORELAI: What Mom? Just please tell me, what do I owe you?
EMILY: You owe me nothing. I just wanted to do something nice for my daughter, that's all.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[A nighttime pep rally is being held in front of Stars Hollow High.]
TAYLOR: It's already shaping up to be the best season ever, due in part to the recent arrival of our brand new basketball coach Lou Magillian, formerly the presiding legal counsel for the Chicago Bulls. Lou, come on up here and take a bow. Those other teams had better watch out, we've got one of the big boys on our side now, huh? Shaq who? And in addition to our new coach, we're extremely proud of our brand new uniforms, thoughtfully supplied by you, the citizens of Stars Hollow, and carefully cleaned by the good people at Tricky's Dry Cleaners. If it's sticky, try Tricky's. Let's hear it for Tricky! I'm telling you, they are terrific. Red and white, very durable, little stripes on the side - oh you know what, why don't you just see for yourselves. Come on, show 'em your uniforms.
PLAYER: Mr. Doose, it's freezing out here. Why don't you let 'em see it at the game?
TAYLOR: Young man, the people in this town paid good money for those uniforms. Now you show them what they paid for.
PLAYER: This is crazy.
TAYLOR: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new uniforms of the fabulous fighting Minutemen.
[cut to Rory standing in the crowd next to Bootsy]
BOOTSY: Oh look at them shivering up there. They're such wimps these days. When I was on the team, it was different. We were rowdy. Three of us would've been pantsed by now.
[Bootsy walks away and Lorelai walks over]
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: Oh hey.
LORELAI: I got your note.
RORY: Yeah, well pinning it to the Mallomars is always a safe bet.
LORELAI: Oh, coffee?
RORY: Please.
LORELAI: So, um, Grandma and I went to the bank today.
RORY: How'd it go?
LORELAI: We got the loan.
RORY: Good. So then everything's okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, well. Wow, nice uniforms.
RORY: I'm sorry I told Grandma about it.
LORELAI: Aw hon, listen, there's gonna be a time in our lives where occasionally I'm gonna make a mistake. It hasn't happened yet, but it might.
RORY: Sure.
LORELAI: But I have earned the right to make that mistake, and I have earned the right to fix any problems without interference.
RORY: I just thought that they could help.
LORELAI: But I didn't want their help
RORY: But -.
LORELAI: Rory, have you ever been without food or clothes or books or book covers for that matter or anything else you ever needed?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: No, and see, the reason for that is me. I have a pretty good track record for keeping you alive.
RORY: Yeah, you do.
LORELAI: So when I tell you I can handle something, you need to respect that, especially since you have no evidence proving I won't. Understand?
RORY: Yeah, I understand. I'm sorry.
LORELAI: I officially declare this fight over.
RORY: I'll drink to that.
[The cheerleaders run out and start their routine]
LORELAI: Is that Lane?
RORY: Yeah, that's Lane.
LORELAI: Hah.
[The cheerleaders finish their routine]
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[After the Pep Rally, Rory walks up to Lane.]
RORY: Hey.
LANE: Hi.
RORY: So the music selection, yours I assume?
LANE: Yeah, there was a bit of an education process going on.
RORY: I liked it. Very John Waters.
LANE: Thank you.
RORY: I don't want you to think that you can't tell me things.
LANE: I don't wanna not tell you thing.
RORY: And this whole cheerleading thing
LANE: I know it's weird.
RORY: No, it's not that weird. I mean, if you were doing it professionally, then it would be weird. But this, it looked fun.
LANE: It was fun.
RORY: And hey, you got them to cheer to Madness, so there must be some hope left in the world.
LANE: I want you rest assured that I remain me. I mean, Nico-obsessed, Exene wannabe with forty Korean bibles under her bed. I just bounce a little more.
RORY: So can cheerleaders get coffee?
LANE: Oh yeah, coffee's a must.
RORY: Yeah?
LANE: Keeps you perky.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory and Emily are eating dinner]
LORELAI: So Mom, they started work on the house yesterday.
EMILY: Oh, good.
LORELAI: Yeah, these guys come at like the crack of dawn and all of a sudden there's all this hammering and drilling and dust flying everywhere.
RORY: It's pretty impressive actually.
LORELAI: They're a nice bunch too. And the best part is I've been out there like ten times to bring them coffee and I haven't seen a butt crack yet.
EMILY: How nice. They should paint that slogan on their truck. Excuse me.
LORELAI: Where you going?
EMILY: To get some more bread. [leaves room]
LORELAI: I think I'll go help.
RORY: I think that would be good.
CUT TO KITCHEN
LORELAI: Mom, I want to apologize to you.
EMILY: For what?
LORELAI: Ah, for doubting your motives in this whole loan thing. I'm just not used to people doing things without strings attached, that's all.
EMILY: By people, you mean me.
LORELAI: I don't know what I would've done without your help. I mean it. I was out of ideas and then out of the blue you make this call and cosign the loan with me. I'm really, really grateful.
EMILY: Well, that almost sounded sincere.
LORELAI: Yeah, I should've left off one of the reallys. That always tips it.
EMILY: All right, I accept your apology.
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: By the way, I'm going to be having my DAR meetings at the inn from now on. I hope you don't mind. [walks away]
LORELAI: She's good.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x11 - Secrets and Loans"} | foreverdreaming |
2.12 - Richard in Stars Hollow
written by Frank Lombardi
directed by Steve Gomer
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory have just arrived]
LORELAI: Thanks. Man, is it cold out there.
RORY: I know, I'm freezing.
EMILY: Well, come on in and sit by the f*re. I'll make you both a drink and then we can talk.
RORY: About what?
LORELAI: Antennas up.
RORY: Aye aye, captain.
[they walk to the living room]
EMILY: So Lorelai, how are you?
LORELAI: Um, I'm fine Mom.
EMILY: Rory?
RORY: I'm fine too, Grandma.
LORELAI: How are you Mom?
EMILY: Also fine.
LORELAI: Oh, look at that. All three of us fine, just like the Judds.
EMILY: So Lorelai, are you dating?
LORELAI: Uh, hm, no, I'm not dating.
EMILY: Really? There's no one at all?
LORELAI: No, totally single.
EMILY: Any chance you'd get back with Max?
LORELAI: No Mom, there's no chance.
EMILY: What about the man at the diner, the one who refuses to shave?
LORELAI: Luke, he's just a friend Mom.
EMILY: Do you think you'll be single your entire life?
LORELAI: Excuse me?
EMILY: I mean, in terms of your finding someone, what do you think the odds are?
LORELAI: Okay, what is going on?
EMILY: Well, I visited the family mausoleum today.
LORELAI: Never what you think it's gonna be!
EMILY: I just wanted to check on things, make sure they were keeping it up, changing the flowers, you know.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
EMILY: So I went inside and looked around and it occurred to me that there's a very limited space there.
LORELAI: Oh.
EMILY: Now of course there's a slot open for me and Richard and you and Rory, but after the two of you that's it. No more room for anyone else.
LORELAI: Ah.
EMILY: Yes. So if you actually do meet someone someday, I don't know where to put him.
LORELAI: Well, maybe we could just dump him at the local pool hall.
EMILY: Don't be silly.
LORELAI: No, because this is definitely not a conversation for that.
EMILY: I looked into expanding into the crypt next door but the family that owns it wouldn't even discuss it with me.
RORY: I'm getting a little creeped out here.
EMILY: So I talked to the head of the cemetery and he suggested that we buy an annex.
RORY: An annex?
EMILY: Yes.
LORELAI: You know, like an outlet store, it would specialize in the irregular family members.
EMILY: So if we do get the annex and you do eventually someday get married
LORELAI: Mom, just say it fat chance will you?
EMILY: I just meant that we'll have to decide who to move.
LORELAI: Oh, oh. Well, uh. . .ugh, why don't we move Aunt Cecile? She was always so annoying at parties. She loved the knock-knock jokes.
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: What?
RORY: You can't just kick out Aunt Cecile.
LORELAI: Knock-knock. Who's there? Pineapple. Pineapple who? That's where it ended. Never fully grasped the knock-knock concept.
EMILY: She was a complete idiot. Okay, it's decided Cecile goes.
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: Look - put me in the annex.
LORELAI: Unh uh. No way. You are not leaving me alone in there with Cecile.
RORY: Well I'm not gonna be held responsible for somebody being kicked out of their eternal resting place.
LORELAI: Ooh, I have an idea. I'll probably go first, right? So when Rory kicks, just throw her in with me.
RORY: I'd like my own space if you don't mind.
LORELAI: Why? It'd totally be fun to be there together. Plus I plan to be buried with all the good CD's and my rock star belt.
[Richard comes down the steps]
RICHARD: Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?
EMILY: We were just discussing who to move to the annex.
RICHARD: Oh. I vote for Cecile. Horrible woman, and those terrible jokes.
LORELAI: What'd I tell you?
RORY: This is a cold, cold family.
[Opening Credits]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Later that night, Lorelai, Rory, Richard, and Emily are at the table eating dinner.]
LORELAI: This is really good.
RORY: Yeah, what is it?
EMILY: Well, it -.
LORELAI: No, don't tell us.
RORY: Why not?
LORELAI: Because every time in my life that I've tasted something great but I didn't know what it was, it turned out to be something really disgusting that had I known what I was eating I never would've tried it in the first place.
RORY: Example?
LORELAI: Snails.
RORY: Gross.
LORELAI: Eat in ignorance and enjoy it, my friend.
RORY: Gladly.
LORELAI: So Dad, how's the retired life treating you?
RICHARD: Well, fascinating actually. I find myself noticing things, everyday things that I must've witnessed a hundred times before but just walked right past. Like yesterday, your mother moved a vase, the one in the hall, and she didn't do it in front of me.
LORELAI: Oh no, cause nice girls never move vases in front of men.
RICHARD: And she only moved it a little but as I passed it by I noticed it had been moved.
RORY: Impressive.
RICHARD: And every day's a new discovery. Your mother changed her hair. Or she wore shoes that didn't match her purse.
EMILY: Richard.
RICHARD: Last Thursday.
EMILY: Oh, for heaven's sake.
RICHARD: You know what else I noticed?
RORY: What?
RICHARD: A first edition Flaubert, mint condition, shoved behind several of my Churchill biographies.
RORY: No!
RICHARD: Interested?
RORY: My life is good.
RICHARD: Follow me.
LORELAI: Ooh Dad, see if you can find a pair of the new Chanel patent leather pirate boots stuffed back behind your Churchills.
RICHARD: Hmm.
[Richard and Rory leave the room]
LORELAI: What's up Mom?
EMILY: Nothing's up.
LORELAI: You were twitching. I saw you.
EMILY: You did not see me twitching.
LORELAI: Mom, when Dad was talking about the vase, you were pulling a full-on Tabitha.
EMILY: I did not pull a Tabitha.
LORELAI: Something wrong?
EMILY: No, nothing's wrong.
LORELAI: Hm, okay, nothing's wrong.
EMILY: It's just that things are a little strange lately.
LORELAI: What is?
EMILY: Having him home.
LORELAI: Ah.
EMILY: We've never really been home at the same time. I mean, we got married, we went to Europe, we came back, he went to work, and it's been that way ever since.
LORELAI: Well, so now it's different.
EMILY: It's very different. He's always here watching me and noticing when I move a vase and. . .I don't know. It's silly. So he noticed my hair was different. Women die for that sort of thing.
LORELAI: Aw Mom, it's just an adjustment. You've had your routine, he's had his routine. You guys just need to figure out a new routine.
EMILY: I guess so.
LORELAI: Yeah, it'll just take some time. Then you'll find your rhythm and he'll go back to ignoring your hair, all will be well.
EMILY: Yes, you're probably right.
LORELAI: Mm, I am right. Okay, I give. What is this?
EMILY: Sweetbreads.
LORELAI: Sweetbreads. So that's uh. . .
EMILY: Pancreas.
CUT TO CHILTON
[At a meeting of the Franklin, Paris is going through a stack of stories that people have submitted.]
PARIS: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: I'm not done.
RORY: Sorry.
PARIS: No.
LOUISE: Glad she finished that one.
PARIS: Why am I the only one who cares?
RORY: You're not the only one who cares.
PARIS: No. I know you care, but I need everyone in this stupid room to care because I can't be the only one to care. Besides you.
LOUISE: It's just a contest Paris. It's not like you get a car or a lifetime supply of Rice a Roni.
MADELINE: God, I love that stuff.
PARIS: The Oppenheimer Award for Excellence in school journalism is not a contest. It's a statement. It says you're the best. The best writers, the best reporters, the best editors. It says that you have crushed all others who have dared to take you on. It says that every other single school in the United States of America is feeling nothing but shame and defeat and pain because of the people who won the Oppenheimer plaque. I wanna be those people, I wanna cause that pain.
RORY: Our paper is good.
PARIS: Not good enough.
RORY: Last week's issue - .
PARIS: Was a fine effort by a bunch of kids.
MADELINE: We are a bunch of kids.
PARIS: Not when we're in this room, we're not. Flescher Prep Gazette, Broadmouth Banner, Richmond Heights Chronicle - these publications are not our competition.
LOUISE: Geez.
PARIS: The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post - these publications are our competition.
MADELINE: Paris has gone bye-bye.
PARIS: We need to raise the bar. We need to be better, think harder, dig deeper. I don't wanna just submit a good issue. I wanna submit a great issue, the best issue.
RORY: When's the deadline?
PARIS: One week from today.
RORY: Okay, so, then we better get brainstorming. Doe anyone have an idea for a theme?
PARIS: Yes.
RORY: What?
PARIS: The one that wins.
RORY: Okay, good, big help. All right everyone, we should get working. You're going to give yourself a stroke one of these days, you know that.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily walks through the hall into the living room.]
EMILY: Graciela, I'm leaving the shopping list on the table here. And remember we need the low sudsing detergent. I have drawn a picture of what the box looks like, so for heaven's sake pay attention this time.
[Richard walks in]
EMILY: How was your walk?
RICHARD: Carl Lambertson needs a new roof. I'm going to drop him a note.
EMILY: Good idea.
RICHARD: Busy day?
EMILY: Mm, very.
RICHARD: Is that the same cup of coffee you had when I left?
EMILY: What?
RICHARD: When I left an hour ago, you were having a cup of coffee.
EMILY: Oh, no, this is a different cup of coffee.
RICHARD: So then that's your third cup of coffee this morning?
EMILY: I guess.
RICHARD: Interesting. I just realized you have three cups of coffee in the morning.
EMILY: I don't drink three cups of coffee every morning.
RICHARD: Every morning this week.
EMILY: Well, so what?
RICHARD: Nothing. Just an observation, that's all. That's a lot of coffee to drink early in the morning.
EMILY: Any thoughts on what you'd like for dinner tonight?
RICHARD: Oh no, anything's fine.
EMILY: All right. [writes something down in her day planner]
RICHARD: What are you writing down?
EMILY: Lamb chops.
RICHARD: Is that for tonight?
EMILY: Yes.
RICHARD: Oh.
EMILY: Do you not want lamb chops tonight?
RICHARD: Oh, no no, lamb chops is just fine for tonight. I just thought a nice roast would also be nice for a change.
EMILY: Roast it is.
RICHARD: Of course, if you want lamb chops
EMILY: We're having roast, Richard.
RICHARD: Okay, if that's what you want.
EMILY: I'm going by the dry cleaners, anything you want me to drop off?
RICHARD: You're going to the dry cleaners?
EMILY: Yes.
RICHARD: Well I'll go with you.
EMILY: I can bring in whatever you have.
RICHARD: I know, but it'd be nice to go together.
EMILY: That would be terribly romantic, but I won't have time to get back here before my DAR meeting so it's probably better if I go alone. You can come to the cleaners with me next week.
RICHARD: Well yes, well I can go to the meeting with you.
EMILY: You want to go to my meeting of the Daughters of the American Revolution?
RICHARD: Well, well yes, I think it'd be fascinating.
EMILY: But I go straight from there to the symphony luncheon.
RICHARD: Well, I'll tag along there too.
EMILY: Yes, but from there I get my hair done, and you certainly don't want to sit around while I have my hair done.
RICHARD: No, I don't.
EMILY: There you go.
RICHARD: Well, you can cancel that.
EMILY: I can't cancel that. I get my hair done every Wednesday at three.
RICHARD: Well, your hair looks fine.
EMILY: My hair looks fine because I have my hair done every Wednesday at three.
RICHARD: Well then what am I going to do?
EMILY: Why don't you go to the club?
RICHARD: What?
EMILY: Yes, the club! You spend a fortune to belong there and you never got to go much before. Why don't you go there now?
RICHARD: Go to the club on a Wednesday afternoon?
EMILY: I think it would be perfect.
RICHARD: I don't even know what they do at the club on a Wednesday afternoon.
EMILY: No time like the present to find out.
RICHARD: All right, I'll go to the club.
EMILY: Wonderful. [starts walking him to the front door]
RICHARD: Go to the club on a Wednesday afternoon. Life certainly is an interesting game of cards, isn't it?
EMILY: It certainly is.
RICHARD: Well, um, I'll see you, uh, tonight.
EMILY: Have a good time. [closes door] Graciela, I need more coffee now!
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW VIDEO
[Rory and Lorelai walk around the video store trying to decide on a movie]
LORELAI: How about a triple feature? Three Days of the Condor, Shoah and The Jerk?
RORY: Uh, Shoah's like nine and a half hours.
LORELAI: But The Jerk is short.
RORY: Hmm, next.
LORELAI: The three faces of Costner Bull Durham, Dances with Wolves, The Postman. Tom Petty playing Tom Petty, that great big speech about Once upon a time there was a thing called mail.' It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, it'll make you wanna mail something.
RORY: Ooh, we could do a Ruth Gordon film festival. Harold and Maude, Rosemary's Baby, and that really great episode of Taxi.
LORELAI: Got it. The worst film festival ever. Cool as Ice, Hudson Hawk, and Electric Bugaloo.
RORY: Sold.
LORELAI: I'll get the Hawk.
RORY: I'll get the Bugaloo.
[Rory leans down to look through the shelf of videos. Two boys are sitting on the floor looking at a movie box.]
BOY 1: See, I told you.
BOY 2: Wow.
RORY: Hey guys, can I get in there?
BOY 1: Oh, yeah. [both boys walk away]
[Rory finds the movie and stands back up]
LORELAI: Got it, plus four boxes of Red Vines.
RORY: Let's go.
LORELAI: Hi Kirk.
KIRK: Evening Lorelai.
LORELAI: Um, I forgot my card at home but I think my number's 6247.
KIRK: You forgot your card?
LORELAI: I might've lost it.
KIRK: You lost your card?
LORELAI: I might have.
KIRK: Was it temporary or laminated?
LORELAI: Laminated.
KIRK: That's a permanent card. You lost a permanent card.
LORELAI: You can just get me a new card Kirk.
KIRK: Fine, but I hope you understand the gravity of the situation here.
LORELAI: I'm trying to grasp it.
KIRK: I mean, these cards are agreements. It's an agreement between you and the Stars Hollow Video Store stating that you will take care of your card, that you will honor your card, that you will very, very nice to your card...
[Lorelai's cell phone is ringing]
LORELAI: Kirk.
KIRK: I'll be right back.
LORELAI: Thanks. [answers phone] Hello? Hello? [to Rory] Reception sucks in here, I'll be right back.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Hello? [walks away]
KIRK: It'll be ready in a minute.
RORY: Hey Kirk, there are a couple of little kids over there and they're, uh, looking at this tape cover that's kind of mature. You might wanna put that stuff on a higher shelf or something.
KIRK: Mature? How mature?
RORY: Uh, it's a half-naked woman just standing there.
KIRK: Is she a blonde?
RORY: What?
KIRK: I'll check it out right now. [walks away]
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai walks out of the video store to talk on the phone]
LORELAI: Hey Mom, I can hear you now. What's up?
EMILY: You have to take your father.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Tomorrow, for the whole day, just take him.
LORELAI: Take him where?
EMILY: I don't care -- the zoo, the mall, Rhode Island, just get him out of my house!
LORELAI: What happened?
EMILY: He's going to join my water aerobics class.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: He bought some new swim trunks today. He's out of control.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom, calm down.
EMILY: I can't calm down! I can't turn around without him being there, following me, staring at me.
LORELAI: Well, he likes you.
EMILY: Don't be cute, do not be cute. The man is driving me insane. I am going to go insane, and if you don't help me, I will take you with me.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom, I would like to help you but wh --.
EMILY: You owe me!
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: I pay for Rory's school!
LORELAI: Are you serious?
EMILY: And I cosigned your loan! You still have a house because of me!
LORELAI: Are you hearing yourself?
EMILY: I'm sorry but I'm desperate. I just need one day of peace and I will do anything to get it, anything.
LORELAI: Okay Mom, fine, uh, I'll take him.
EMILY: I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.
RICHARD: [calls from another room] Emily! Where are you?
EMILY: I have to go. Tomorrow morning.
LORELAI: Tomorrow morning. Bye.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is in her bedroom getting ready for school as Lorelai walks in.]
LORELAI: Oh my God, the most horrible thing just happened. Headmaster Charleston's office called, he's been kidnapped! Two guys broke into his house and threw him in a hefty bag, used those twisty ties and carted him off. Classes have been canceled until further notice.
RORY: I am going to school Mom.
LORELAI: Rory, come on, it's just one day. I'll write you a note. Dear n*zi, Rory had to miss school today on account of saving her mom from spending the entire day with her father who often looks at her like she has three heads.'
RORY: Out of my way please.
LORELAI: Do you know the last time my father and I were alone together for any extended period of time?
RORY: Unh uh.
LORELAI: I was kicked out of summer class for refusing to call the camp counselor Peaches because I thought the entire concept of the counselors choosing summer fruit names was stupid. So they called my dad and he came to get me and it was just the two of us alone in the car all the way from Maine with nothing to talk about but my camp failure. Luckily I had also flashed the swim team or even that subject would've gotten stale.
RORY: Mom, I have the Franklin today. I cannot miss it.
LORELAI: Rory, please. I can't handle the entire day with him. I can't, I can't, I caaaaan't.
RORY: Mom, I promise. Just make it till the afternoon, and then I promise I'll come right home and I'll take Grandpa off your hands.
LORELAI: All right.
RORY: It'll be fine.
LORELAI: It is not going to be fine. It's going to be horrible. It is going to be a bad, depressing Lifetime movie and Nancy McKeon will be playing me. I am Jo.
[the doorbell rings]
LORELAI: And that would be him.
RORY: It's not going to be that bad. Hey. Be nice.
LORELAI: Be nice.
RORY: Oh, very good.
[they answer the front door, Richard is standing there]
LORELAI: Hi Dad.
RORY: Hey Grandpa.
RICHARD: Good morning girls.
LORELAI: Did you have any trouble getting here?
RICHARD: Not at all, the directions were fine.
RORY: Well I have to be going, but I'll see you this afternoon.
RICHARD: I look forward to it.
RORY: Have fun. [leaves]
LORELAI: So good drive, huh?
RICHARD: Very good.
LORELAI: Oh, here. [takes Richard's coat] Would you like some coffee?
RICHARD: I'm fine. Do you want coffee?
LORELAI: Oh yes, God yes, thank you.
[They walk into the kitchen]
LORELAI: So you sure you don't, um. . .
RICHARD: Coffee? Uh, no, no, no, no.
LORELAI: Well, uh, can I offer you anything else? Some Pop Tarts or. . .well, that's pretty much it.
RICHARD: You don't have to entertain me Lorelai. I just came here to see you and your house and your town. You don't have to do anything special for me.
LORELAI: But you're my guest.
RICHARD: No, I'm your father. Just do whatever it is you would normally do.
LORELAI: What I would normally do.
RICHARD: Yes. Like for instance, this morning if I wasn't here, you would wake up, obviously get some coffee and. . .then what?
LORELAI: Well, um, I'd probably read the paper for a little while and then have some breakfast.
RICHARD: Let's read the paper then.
LORELAI: Okay, let's read the paper. [they sit down at the table] Um, what sections would you like?
RICHARD: Oh, you go first. I'll take what's left.
LORELAI: Oh, okay. Well, um, normally I read the Arts and Leisure and the Lifestyles.
RICHARD: Perfect. Well, that leaves Business, Sports, and World News.
LORELAI: Oh. That worked out well.
RICHARD: Yes it did, didn't it?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Richard walk in]
LORELAI: Well, this is it, Luke's.
RICHARD: You know, when I was in college, there was this horrible little diner across from my apartment building. It was run by this terrible little couple, they were very angry. They would fight, break plates, curse, and I went in there every morning for three years and I had the most dreadful breakfast, just awful. I really miss that place.
LUKE: Morning.
LORELAI: Hey. Um, Luke, you remember my father?
LUKE: Oh yeah, nice to see you again.
RICHARD: Nice to see you. This is quite a place you've got here.
LUKE: It pays the bills.
RICHARD: Always a plus in business.
LORELAI: Dad, do you know what you want?
RICHARD: Oh, I already ate.
LORELAI: You did? When?
RICHARD: Oh, I had breakfast at home. I get up at 5:30 every morning.
LORELAI: Wow. Why?
RICHARD: Well I've gotten up at 5:30 for as long as I can remember.
LORELAI: Yeah, but that was when you had to work. Now you can afford to get a little crazy, get up at quarter to six.
RICHARD: Go ahead and order Lorelai.
LORELAI: Okay. I'll have a banana, pancakes, side of bacon, and lots and lots of coffee.
LUKE: Coming right up. [walks away]
RICHARD: You didn't order any grapefruit.
LORELAI: Yeah, I don't really like grapefruit.
RICHARD: Oh, I always start my breakfast off with half a grapefruit.
LORELAI: Hm, do the Florida people know about you? Because Anita Bryant left this huge gap that has yet to be filled.
RICHARD: It's important to start the day off correctly, Lorelai. A grapefruit is brain food. It has vitamin C and folic acid and it helps with your digestion. It really is a terrific fruit.
LORELAI: I feel like you're about to break into song.
RICHARD: I'm serious about this Lorelai.
LORELAI: I know you are but I still don't like grapefruit.
RICHARD: Well, there are many things in life that we don't like, but the benefits they bring us far outweigh the temporary discomforts we have to endure.
LORELAI: Okay. Hold on a sec.
[Lorelai walks up to Luke at the counter]
LORELAI: Hey, I need a grapefruit.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Yeah. Before my pancakes this morning I need half a grapefruit, uh, preferably one that tastes like a donut.
LUKE: I don't have grapefruit.
LORELAI: How can you not have grapefruit?
LUKE: I've never had grapefruit.
LORELAI: I need a grapefr. . .Listen, I have my father with me all day, and so far there's been no major drama or yelling or ugliness but there will be if I don't somehow find a way to get half a grapefruit for breakfast this morning.
LUKE: I could go next door to Doose's and buy a grapefruit.
LORELAI: I would be eternally grateful.
LUKE: I'll be right back.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[Lorelai walks back to the table]
LORELAI: Okay, the grapefruit is coming.
RICHARD: Oh, you won't be sorry.
LORELAI: So listen, I was thinking, um, maybe after we're done here, you might like to walk around town a little, see the sites. And then Rory usually gets home around four. The two of you can hang out at the house until I get off work and the three of us can hook up for dinner. How does that sound?
RICHARD: Very sensible.
LORELAI: Well yeah, I had to make up for my shoes.
RICHARD: Is that your second cup of coffee?
LORELAI: Uh, third. Why?
RICHARD: No reason. That's a lot of coffee first thing in the morning.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory is at her locker. She slams it shut and finds Paris standing there.]
RORY: Okay, you have got to stop doing that.
PARIS: So I've been doing some research on the Oppenheimer Award, and I've noticed something. All of the winning schools had an extremely strong human interest story on page one.
RORY: Okay.
PARIS: And I think that's what we need. I mean, we've got the teen issues down, we've got a decent op-ed and political page, but human interest that's what we're missing.
RORY: Ideas?
PARIS: Yes.
RORY: Do tell.
PARIS: According to the papers, there's been a huge increase in the number of families fleeing the major cities in favor of small towns. Hundreds of thousands of city slicking yuppies carting the trophy wife and the asthmatic kids off to small towns in search of the simple life. Milk a cow, pet a pig, find yourself, all that kind of crap.
RORY: Interesting.
PARIS: Yeah, and I thought about it. There's a romantic aspect to small towns. White picket fences, low crime rate, smaller classrooms, better tomatoes. It all seems perfect.
RORY: But?
PARIS: But nothing is perfect, nothing is safe, nothing is ever what it seems. And then it h*t me - our story. We are going to blow the lid off the seedy underbelly of small town life, starting with yours.
RORY: Stars Hollows?
PARIS: Yes.
RORY: You are going to uncover the seedy underbelly of Stars Hollow?
PARIS: Yes.
RORY: Paris, Stars Hollow doesn't have a seedy underbelly. We don't even have a meter maid.
PARIS: Look, you may be blind to it because you live there, but trust me, it's there and it's ugly and I'm going to find it. I'll meet you out front after school.
RORY: I can't today.
PARIS: Why not? Are you hiding something?
RORY: No. I promised my mom that I would help her with something.
PARIS: Well, help her tomorrow. We have work to do.
RORY: Paris!
PARIS: Hey, this could be our chance to nail this thing. Now I have a hunch that there's a story here and a good one, and I'm going to find it. I was even going to share a byline with you on it, but if you wanna bail out, that's fine. I'll just do it myself.
RORY: But -.
PARIS: Am I meeting you or not?
RORY: I don't think you're gonna find anything.
PARIS: Well, then the worst that can happen is that I spend some time in your town and suddenly have an urge to enter a pie in the county fair. I'll meet you out front, don't be late.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Michel is at the front desk on the phone as Lorelai walks over]
MICHEL: As soon as I can, I will send someone up. . . Yes, I will. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . . Okay. . .I understand. Goodbye. [hangs up]
LORELAI: What do you understand?
MICHEL: I have no idea. I tuned him out at the first screech.
LORELAI: Have we heard from Manny yet?
MICHEL: No, and I have paged him twice.
LORELAI: We only have enough linen for one seating tonight. Hand me the phone.
MICHEL: Plus we are completely out of clean towels.
LORELAI: [oh phone] Hi, Sophie, it's Lorelai. I need to talk to Manny. . . Well, when will he be back? . . . Okay, I need him to call me really, really soon, like five minutes ago. Okay, thanks. [hangs up] We need a backup plan.
MICHEL: Mm hmm.
LORELAI: Call Patty's and see if she has any party rental tablecloths we can use for tonight and then pull all the towels from the pool and call Gandolfi's and order a case of champagne. Send a bottle to every room that's towel-less and just page him every two minutes and oh no! [sees Richard walk into the inn]
RICHARD: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi Dad, what are you doing? Uh, I thought you were gonna tour the town.
RICHARD: Oh, I did, I did. I went into all the stores, the cat one twice. And then I walked around a little and then I was done.
LORELAI: But what about the park did you see the park?
RICHARD: Yes, I saw the park.
LORELAI: Uh, what about the giant slinky over on Klump? We're mighty proud of that.
RICHARD: I saw the slinky, yes. And the hundred-year-old oak tree and the life-size yarn person. I even stopped by your house and had Babette introduce me to all of her gnomes.
LORELAI: Oh.
RICHARD: And then I realized the only thing I had not seen is my daughter at work.
LORELAI: Oh, well, watching me at work is not very interesting, trust me.
RICHARD: Oh, you underestimate yourself.
LORELAI: Okay, well, um, there's books on the shelves over there.
RICHARD: No no, I have my newspaper, I'm fine.
LORELAI: All right, I'm just gonna. . . what's the matter?
RICHARD: Is your jacket in the back?
LORELAI: My jacket?
RICHARD: Your work jacket?
LORELAI: I don't have a work jacket.
RICHARD: So that's your working outfit?
LORELAI: Yeah.
RICHARD: And your boss doesn't mind?
LORELAI: Oh, well considering my boss is me, no, she doesn't. I mean, she did at first but then I bought her a cup of coffee and I realized all the hostility she was expressing toward me was just jealousy and we've been best friends ever since. Just take a seat Dad. [walks to the front desk] Hey, will you get me an extra bottle of champagne and smack me over the head with it?
MICHEL: Absolutely.
[phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers] Independence Inn.
RORY: I need you to sit down, breathe, and remember that you're at work, so screaming and crying is not an option.
LORELAI: Why, what are you doing?
RORY: I can't meet you after school today.
LORELAI: What? You promised.
RORY: I know but I have to work on this story for the Franklin and I swear I tried to get out of it, but I couldn't.
LORELAI: Oh great.
RORY: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: Oh no, school comes before Mommy's mental health.
RORY: Just tell Grandpa to wander around for awhile.
LORELAI: He already wandered.
RORY: Did he see the slinky?
LORELAI: Yes, he saw the slinky.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: He's here now.
RORY: Oh.
LORELAI: And he hates my shirt.
RORY: Give him a book and have Sookie make him lunch and I swear I'll be home by dinner and you won't have to say a word.
LORELAI: Okay, bye.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW BUS STOP
[Rory and Paris get off of the bus]
PARIS: I think I got rabies.
RORY: It's just a bus, Paris.
PARIS: It smelled.
RORY: It smelled like a bus.
PARIS: I'm gonna have to burn my clothes when I get home.
RORY: You know Paris, you have a car. We could've driven.
PARIS: We have to get the feel of the small town world. You're not going to get the feel of a small town world in a BMW. Is there something crawling in my hair?
RORY: All right, so we're here now, where do you wanna go?
PARIS: I don't know, where's the bad part of town?
RORY: Uhh, over there.
PARIS: What?
RORY: Uh, people - they're very upset with the color of that fence.
PARIS: Come on.
RORY: This is the town Paris, this is it. It's not seedy, it's not rundown, it's just Stars Hollow.
PARIS: Well, where's the local bar?
RORY: In Woodbridge.
PARIS: Why aren't you helping?
RORY: I'm trying, you're just looking for something that's not here.
PARIS: What's this?
RORY: Luke's Diner.
PARIS: Diner. Okay, good, good.
CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S
[Paris and Rory walk in and sit at the counter. Paris starts looking at a menu.]
RORY: What are you doing?
PARIS: Trying just to blend in, fade away, observe.
LUKE: Hey Rory. Coffee?
RORY: Thanks Luke.
LUKE: Who's your friend?
RORY: Angela Landsbury.
LUKE: Oh.
PARIS: You're the owner here?
LUKE: Yup. You want some coffee Angela?
PARIS: No thanks.
LUKE: Okay.
PARIS: So, you run the diner, huh?
RORY: Oh boy.
PARIS: You get a lot of truckers through here?
LUKE: Truckers?
PARIS: Yeah. You know, guys on the road for weeks, lonely, looking for company, a little pick me up. Things like that.
LUKE: What's she talking about?
RORY: Your guess is as good as mine.
PARIS: It's pretty common knowledge that diners are breeding grounds for prostitution and drug dealers.
LUKE: What?
PARIS: Have you ever seen anything like that going down here?
LUKE: Have I ever. . .
PARIS: What about that guy over there? What's his story?
LUKE: Reverend Nichols?
PARIS: Reverend Nichols, huh? What is that, like Dr. Feelgood?
LUKE: Rory, how much do you like this person?
RORY: Do what you gotta do, Luke.
[Jess comes down the steps into the diner]
PARIS: Hey, where'd he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls? You got yourself a little cathouse up there?
JESS: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke. You better give up now.
LUKE: Do not add to this insanity.
JESS: An innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.
LUKE: Jess!
JESS: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me.
LUKE: Rory, get her out of here.
RORY: Okay, let's go. [pulls Paris towards the door]
PARIS: Why do you need me to leave? What have you got to hide?
RORY: Paris, let's go!
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai and Michel are at the front desk, each talking on a phone]
MICHEL: Yes, we're aware of it.
LORELAI: Yes, we're working on it.
MICHEL: As soon as towels arrive, yours will be the first room we come up to.
LORELAI: I swear to you, no one gets a towel before you do.
MICHEL: Did you get the complimentary champagne we sent you?
LORELAI: Just open the champagne and drink and relax and enjoy and before you know it of course it's free. Yes.
MICHEL: Yeah, we'll call you soon. [hangs up]
LORELAI: We'll talk to you soon. [hangs up] I'm k*lling Manny.
MICHEL: I'm helping.
LORELAI: I'm gonna strangle him with one of his own towels, I swear to God.
RICHARD: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Yeah Dad?
RICHARD: Do you realize there are no tablecloths in the dining room?
LORELAI: Yes I do. We're having a problem with our linen delivery.
RICHARD: Well, it doesn't look very professional.
MICHEL: [in background] Ah, it's Manny.
LORELAI: Okay, I have to take this dad.
[Michel hands her the phone]
LORELAI: Manny, my mysterious man, where have you been? . . . Oh, me Manny? I'm just a desperate woman. Yes. Honey, I know you're up to your ears in problems but I have to have some towels or linens or I'm gonna be lying on the street talking about the pretty inn I used to work at and you don't want that do you? . . . Well, just, anything you can do to get me through the night. . . Uh, Manny, I love you. You rock. I am devoted to you. I'm never gonna look at another towel without thinking of you. . . Thank you. Bye Stud. [hangs up] He'll be here in twenty minutes.
RICHARD: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Yes Dad?
RICHARD: May I speak to you for a moment please?
MICHEL: Someone is in trouble.
LORELAI: Uh, is something wrong Dad?
RICHARD: Was that a business call I just overheard there?
LORELAI: Oh, that was my linen delivery guy.
RICHARD: So it was a business call?
LORELAI: Yes, it was a business call.
RICHARD: And that's how you handle a business call?
LORELAI: I've known Manny for ten years, Dad.
RICHARD: I don't care how long you've known him. You never talk to a business associate like that, especially not one that you employ.
LORELAI: Okay Dad.
RICHARD: These people have to respect you.
LORELAI: He does respect me.
RICHARD: You were flirting with him.
LORELAI: I said what I needed to say in order to get the linen before somebody else did. And I did, so I won.
RICHARD: This is not about winning, this is about proper procedure. You need to listen to me Lorelai. If there is one thing I know about, it is the correct way to conduct yourself in a position of authority. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?
LORELAI: Mm hmm.
RICHARD: Because I'm only telling you this for your own good.
LORELAI: Mm hmm.
RICHARD: All right, go back to work. I'll be right here if you need me.
LORELAI: Okie dokie.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory and Paris are walking down the sidewalk]
PARIS: Nothing, not even a cigarette butt on the ground, I can't believe it. This town would make Frank Capra wanna throw up.
RORY: Sorry, I tried to tell you.
PARIS: I know. I know, it's just. . .I was just so sure.
RORY: We'll think of something else to write about, I promise.
PARIS: We're going to lose.
RORY: We're not going to lose.
[As they walk past the video store, Taylor and Kirk walk out.]
TAYLOR: There she is, the girl of the moment.
RORY: Me?
TAYLOR: You, young lady, are my hero.
RORY: Why is that Taylor?
TAYLOR: Because in this day and age when the kids are willy nilly with their clothes and hair and morals, it is heartwarming to see a sensible girl like you still exists. A girl who has the gumption and the guts to stand up and say, why are we allowing this trash out where all our children can see it?'
KIRK: And a few selected adults also.
RORY: What are you talking about?
TAYLOR: Well, come on in and see for yourself.
CUT TO INSIDE VIDEO STORE
RORY: What happened? Where is everything?
TAYLOR: Well, thanks to your brilliant suggestion, they are all safely stashed behind the Rory Curtain.
RORY: The what?
KIRK: We thought it was only fitting to name it after you.
RORY: No! I don't want a Rory Curtain, I never asked for a Rory Curtain!
TAYLOR: You told me to put that movie where the kids couldn't see it.
PARIS: You did?
RORY: Well, yeah, but I just meant to put it on a higher shelf, not to get fabric involved.
TAYLOR: Oh, this is much better than a higher shelf. Now all the movies that we deem objectionable will be safely hidden from the eyes of the children. Plus, it'll make the adults think twice before they go back there.
RORY: No, I did not mean to do this! What are you doing?
PARIS: This is it.
RORY: This is what?
PARIS: Our story. Censorship in a small town, it's perfect.
RORY: Paris, stop it. You know I don't believe in censorship.
PARIS: Even better, small town minds run amok. This is genius, it's gold. We're going to win. Now Taylor?
TAYLOR: Yes?
PARIS: On the record, how long have you been working here?
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks through the front door followed by Richard.]
LORELAI: Rory, we're home!
RICHARD: Next time, stop the car completely before you get out.
LORELAI: Rory, for the love of God, be home!
RORY: I'm here, sorry! I was on the phone. How was your [Lorelai grabs Rory and hugs her tightly] Ooh, okay.
LORELAI: I don't think I've ever loved you quite as much as I love you right now.
RORY: Ah, ribs cracking, organs crushing.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, love hurts. [walks past Rory towards the kitchen]
RORY: Hey Grandpa.
RICHARD: Oh, lovely to see you Rory.
RORY: How was your day?
RICHARD: It was very pleasant.
RORY: I heard you saw Mom in action.
LORELAI: Oh yes he did.
RORY: She's great, isn't she?
RICHARD: She's. . uh, spirited.
LORELAI: Spirited.
RORY: Spirited is nice. Hey, let's talk dinner. How about Chinese?
LORELAI: Very spirited food.
RORY: Grandpa, do you like Chinese food?
RICHARD: If prepared properly, yes, I like it very much.
LORELAI: I'll go call Al's. [walks into kitchen]
RICHARD: Al's?
RORY: Al's Pancake World.
RICHARD: [follows Lorelai into the kitchen] I thought you said we were having Chinese food.
LORELAI: Al's has the best egg fu yung in Stars Hollow.
RICHARD: Is that, um, saying anything?
LORELAI: Rory, come entertain your Grandpa while your spirited Mommy orders please!
RORY: Hey Grandpa, do you um. . .do you wanna see my room?
RICHARD: Yes, I would.
RORY: Okay.
[Richard walks into Rory's room.]
LORELAI: Twenty bucks if you lock him in there.
RORY: Thirty if you chill.
CUT TO INSIDE RORY'S BEDROOM
[Richard is looking at Rory's bookshelf as Rory walks in]
RICHARD: Interesting.
RORY: What are you doing?
RICHARD: Oh, there are some holes in your collection here and I'm just making a list to fill them.
RORY: Oh, well these aren't all of my books.
RICHARD: Oh?
[Rory shows him several stacks of books under her bed]
RICHARD: Oh my goodness!
RORY: And. . . [opens two drawers filled with books]
RICHARD: Ah, well possibly I should concentrate on acquiring you a bookcase first.
RORY: That's okay. I kind of like my system.
RICHARD: Ah, organized chaos?
RORY: Exactly.
RICHARD: Very well, carry on. Well, I'm glad not to see any death rockers on your walls.
RORY: Grandpa, where did you learn the term death rockers?
RICHARD: Well, I'm not entirely unfamiliar with the music world in which you live.
RORY: I don't exactly live in the death rock world, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Good.
RORY: But if I do move there, I will send you a card.
RICHARD: Oh, I appreciate that. Ah, Harvard.
RORY: Yeah. We started the obsession board a few years ago. And then when we took that trip to Harvard, the student store was having a two for one flag sale, so that kind of sent us into the final stage of the psychosis. Hospitals were called, medications were prescribed, there is no cure.
[Lorelai walks in with a notepad]
LORELAI: Okay, I made the menu for the evening.
RICHARD: My God.
RORY: Looks good.
RICHARD: Who could eat all that food?
LORELAI: I almost added the garlic chicken.
RORY: Add it.
RICHARD: There are only three of us.
LORELAI: Yes, but we like choices.
RORY: Let's call, I'm starved.
[they walk into the kitchen]
RICHARD: Lorelai, you cannot order all of that food. You're teaching your daughter wastefulness and gluttony.
LORELAI: Um Dad, we do this all the time. We order way too much and then we eat like a third of it and live off the leftovers for a week and a half. It's a finely honed system. Now please, just sit and read something or watch TV.
RICHARD: So I uh. . .I noticed all the Harvard paraphernalia in Rory's room.
LORELAI: Oh yeah.
RICHARD: You know, you might not want to get her settled on one specific college quite so soon.
LORELAI: Why not?
RICHARD: Well, she's young. She hasn't investigated her options.
LORELAI: Dad, she wants to go to Harvard.
RICHARD: Well yes, because she thinks you want her to go to Harvard.
LORELAI: I do.
RICHARD: Well, there are a lot of other good schools out there. You know I went to Yale.
LORELAI: Yes, I do know.
RICHARD: Yale is a very fine school, some might argue a better school than Harvard.
LORELAI: Some meaning you?
RICHARD: I just think Rory should explore it, and I can make some phone calls and set up an appointment.
LORELAI: No.
RICHARD: Why not?
LORELAI: Because she wants to go to Harvard.
RICHARD: But that's ridiculous. Who's going to help her get into Harvard?
LORELAI: Reese Witherspoon.
RICHARD: I am a Yale alumnus. I give a great deal of money to that school. Getting her in will be a breeze.
LORELAI: We don't like breezes, they mess up our hair.
RICHARD: Do not be petulant Lorelai.
LORELAI: Do not pick a fight with me Dad.
RICHARD: This is not about you, this is about Rory.
LORELAI: No, this is about Richard interfering.
RICHARD: Now please, just let me handle this. I know more about the Ivy League system than you do.
[a horn honks from outside]
LORELAI: This is not about the - .
RORY: Is that the food already?
LORELAI: No Sweets, I haven't ordered yet.
[Rory looks out the window]
RORY: Oh my God!
LORELAI: Who is it?
RORY: Oh my God!
CUT TO OUT FRONT
[They walk out the front door. Dean is standing in front of a car]
LORELAI: Oh my God.
RORY: Whatcha doin'?
DEAN: Just standing here.
RORY: Next to?
DEAN: A car. Your car.
RORY: No!
DEAN: Finished it yesterday.
RORY: No you didn't!
DEAN: Do you want them? [holds up the keys]
RORY: Ah! [Rory runs off the porch and hugs him]
DEAN: Now if you don't like it, I bet I can sell it to someone else.
RORY: Don't you dare!
LORELAI: Dean, that's amazing!
RORY: Let's drive, can we drive, does it drive?
DEAN: Does it drive?
RORY: Well, no, I know it drives but. . .oh my God! I can't believe you finished it! You built me a car!
LORELAI: Dean, now that you're done with that, will you build me a plane? One that looks like Shamu?
RICHARD: He made that car?
LORELAI: Isn't that incredible?
RICHARD: Well, she can't accept it.
LORELAI: Oh Dad, it's okay.
RICHARD: It's not okay, he's a child. She's not driving a car a child put together.
DEAN: Excuse me sir, but, uh, my father worked on cars and my grandfather worked on cars. I know what I'm doing.
RICHARD: A car is not a model airplane, young man.
DEAN: I know that.
RICHARD: It is a complex vehicle.
DEAN: I know that too.
RICHARD: And I will not have my granddaughter driving around in some contraption you put together in auto shop.
LORELAI: Okay, can I just say something here?
DEAN: I did not make this in auto shop. I am telling you this car is safe.
RICHARD: So, you are a certified mechanic?
DEAN: No.
RICHARD: But you had the assistance of a certified mechanic?
DEAN: No.
RICHARD: Well, then you drove it past a certified mechanic?
LORELAI: Dad, stop it. This is a nice thing Dean did here. Remember, nice things.
RICHARD: I'm sorry, she can't accept it. Now, if you will excuse us, we were about to order dinner.
DEAN: Mr. Gilmore, I understand you want Rory to be safe, but so do I. I would not give this car to her if I did not know for a fact that it was a hundred percent safe. I checked it, my father checked it, and Gypsy at Hewes Brothers checked it. It has been checked.
RICHARD: And I'm just supposed to take your word for it?
DEAN: Nope.
RICHARD: Agreed.
DEAN: Let's go.
RICHARD: Go where?
DEAN: To check it.
RICHARD: I don't think so.
DEAN: I've been working on this car for months. I'm giving it to Rory.
RICHARD: You're a very stubborn boy.
DEAN: Do you wanna drive or should I?
RICHARD: I'll take my own car, thank you.
DEAN: Fine with me.
RICHARD: And drive behind me. I don't want that thing bl*wing up right in front of the Jag.
DEAN: No problem. Try to keep your electrical system working long enough to get there.
RICHARD: They worked the kinks out of this electrical system years ago, young man. I'll be right back.
DEAN: So will I.
[Dean and Richard get in their cars and drive off.]
LORELAI: Don't you feel like one of us should've been standing between them waving a flag or something?
CUT TO HEWES BROS.
[The mechanic looks under the hood of the car while Richard and Dean stand nearby.]
GYPSY: It looks fine to me.
RICHARD: Check it again.
GYPSY: I already checked it again. This was checking it again. I checked it earlier, that means this was checking it again.
DEAN: Go ahead Gypsy, check it again. I've got all night.
GYPSY: I don't.
RICHARD: Check the transmission.
GYPSY: I did, it's all good.
RICHARD: The carburetor.
GYPSY: All good.
RICHARD: Manifold pressure?
GYPSY: Best manifold pressure I've ever seen.
RICHARD: You've missed something. I insist that you go over this entire car again.
GYPSY: But I'm telling you, there's nothing wrong with this car.
RICHARD: I am paying you for a service, I would like that service performed.
GYPSY: Okay, I look again.
DEAN: How many times are you gonna make her do that?
RICHARD: As many times as it takes.
DEAN: Look, I know you think I'm not good enough for Rory, but do you have to take it out on my car?
RICHARD: She's my only granddaughter. I have a responsibility to protect her. She's young, she's naïve.
DEAN: She's smart.
RICHARD: Yes, she's smart. . .about certain things.
DEAN: Look, I'm not about to do battle with you here. You can hate me - whatever, I don't care.
RICHARD: I hardly hate you.
DEAN: Really?
RICHARD: I don't even know you.
DEAN: Well, I'm right here. What do you wanna know? Besides what college I wanna go to or what I wanna do for a living, because I still have no answers for you on that front.
RICHARD: Those are not ridiculous questions to ask.
DEAN: No, but you could've waited until dessert to get to them.
RICHARD: Yes, well, perhaps the timing of the. . .
DEAN: Interrogation?
RICHARD: Conversation.
DEAN: Conversation.
RICHARD: Perhaps the timing was a little off. [pause] So, your father what does he do?
DEAN: Stereo systems.
RICHARD: Installing them?
DEAN: Selling them. He's got a shop a couple of blocks from here.
RICHARD: And your mother?
DEAN: She works part time transcribing medical records.
RICHARD: Interesting, interesting. So, you. . .you like my granddaughter quite a bit?
DEAN: No, I love your granddaughter quite a bit.
RICHARD: See Dean, I was beginning to feel a little better about this until you said that.
DEAN: Well, I'm not trying to make you feel better, I'm trying to be honest.
RICHARD: Yes, you are. It's an admirable quality.
DEAN: Thank you.
GYPSY: Okay, I found something wrong.
RICHARD: You did?
DEAN: What?
GYPSY: Windshield wipers came right off in my hand, very dangerous. Thank God I check it again.
DEAN: Gypsy, you broke those off yourself.
GYPSY: Yes I did.
DEAN: Put them back!
GYPSY: I can't look at this car anymore.
DEAN: Gypsy!
GYPSY: I miss my home.
DEAN: Put them back.
RICHARD: Now I suppose the car is safe.
DEAN: It is.
RICHARD: I'm still not sure it's an appropriate gift.
DEAN: I understand that.
RICHARD: How tall are you?
DEAN: Why, you wanna dance?
RICHARD: No, thank you. I appreciate the offer though.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory sit on the couch.]
RORY: How long are they going to be?
LORELAI: I don't know. Knowing my dad, he probably made Dean take the entire thing apart and put it back together again in front of him.
RORY: Poor Dean.
LORELAI: Poor Dean, he has to spend one evening with him. I share chromosomes with the guy.
[Richard walks through the front door]
RICHARD: Well, we had it thoroughly checked. We found a little problem with the windshield wipers. Dean is there now adjusting them. But once that is taken care of, I don't see any reason why, with proper insurance of course, why you can't have that car.
RORY: Really? Thanks!
LORELAI: Hey hon, why don't you run and pick up the food for us?
RORY: Oh sure.
RICHARD: Oh, I've got this.
LORELAI: Here you go, hurry! Before the mu shu congeals.
RORY: Okay. [leaves]
RICHARD: Why didn't you let me pay?
LORELAI: I didn't think it would be, um, appropriate under the circumstances.
RICHARD: What circumstances are those?
LORELAI: The ones where I'm about to get really, really mad at you.
RICHARD: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Dad, this is my house in my town, where I live my life.
RICHARD: Well, thank you for the geography lesson.
LORELAI: No, I'm - in the thirty two years we've known each other, have I once come to your work and criticized the way you handled your clients?
RICHARD: I don't remember you coming to my work at all.
LORELAI: Well, have I passed judgment on your breakfast habits or your clothing choices?
RICHARD: I was offering opinions.
LORELAI: Well, don't. I don't want your opinions, especially not in front of my employees and not in front of my friends.
RICHARD: I guess you can't take constructive criticism.
LORELAI: Nothing that came out of your mouth today might, in any universe visited by Kirk or Spock, be construed as constructive.
RICHARD: I beg to differ.
LORELAI: And this is absolutely the last time you come into my house and overrule my word.
RICHARD: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: I'm talking about Dean and the car.
RICHARD: I was being - .
LORELAI: You have no right being anything. Rory's my kid and I make the rules, so if she comes home one day and says, Hey, uh, I'm gonna spend the weekend with Patricia Krenwinkle' and I say, Okay, grab a sweater', you just have to deal.
RICHARD: Who is Patricia Krenwinkle?
LORELAI: And if I tell her that she can have the car that her boyfriend made for her, then she can.
RICHARD: I didn't think it looked safe.
LORELAI: You don't have to think it looks safe! I have to think it looks safe! God, why can't I make you hear what I'm saying?
RICHARD: Oh, I hear exactly what you're saying.
LORELAI: You came here not as a guest but as the judgment police, you kept your uniform on the whole time, and you know what, it comes off now!
RICHARD: Lower your voice.
LORELAI: No! I am a grown woman and you will treat me the way you treat people who have invited you to their house or you will not be invited again.
RICHARD: Invited?
LORELAI: Yes!
RICHARD: Don't you think I know why you invited me here?
LORELAI: Because - .
RICHARD: Because your mother asked you too. She called you up and said I was driving her crazy, and would you please take me off her hands for one day so she can get some peace. Isn't that true?
LORELAI: No.
RICHARD: You have never once invited me to your house Lorelai, never. And I can hardly point to an event that would prompt you to do so except my recent employment situation.
LORELAI: Okay Dad, Mom did call me but - .
RICHARD: You know, I never thought about retirement. I never thought about what I would do or what I would be once I wasn't working. I never once imagined that I would go from being a productive member of the human race to a decrepit old drone sitting at the club at three in the afternoon drinking brandy and playing cards.
LORELAI: Aw, Dad.
RICHARD: I am an annoyance to my wife and a burden to my daughter. Suddenly I realize what it feels like to be obsolete. I hope that you never have to learn what that feels like. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm afraid I'll have to take a rain check on dinner. I'm not very hungry.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Rory walks past the video store, which her picture is in the window. As she stares at it, Jess walks over to her.]
JESS: Nice picture.
RORY: Gee, thanks.
JESS: You're very popular right now. I bet if you burn a few books, they'll probably make you mayor.
RORY: This is ridiculous.
JESS: I don't know, bet you have a lot of supporters on this. Pat Buchanon, Jerry Falwell, Kathie Lee Gifford.
RORY: Bye.
JESS: Aw, come on, it's a little funny.
RORY: No, being the poster girl for censorship is not a little funny. The only videos not behind that curtain are Bambi and Dumbo. I mean, they actually had a meeting earlier about whether or not Babe should be behind the curtain so as not to offend people who keep kosher.
JESS: It's a crazy world we live in.
RORY: And where did they even find that stupid picture?
JESS: Oh no, the picture's good. It's the people who are stupid.
RORY: I'm never gonna be able to leave my house again.
JESS: Well, at least you won't starve.
RORY: I can't look at it anymore.
JESS: Relax. I don't think it'll be around very long.
RORY: Why?
JESS: Just a guess.
RORY: Jess!
JESS: Enjoy the food.
RORY: Come back here.
JESS: Why?
RORY: I'll give you an eggroll.
JESS: Yes?
RORY: What did you do?
JESS: Nothing much. Just wanted to make sure whoever rented Dumbo or Bambi gets a little surprise.
RORY: What kind of surprise? What did you do?
JESS: You owe me an eggroll. [walks away]
RORY: Blech.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Richard walks in the front door.]
EMILY: Richard, there you are, sneaking in like that.
RICHARD: Hello Emily.
EMILY: It's nice to see you.
RICHARD: Well, you seem very happy.
EMILY: Well, I had a very nice day. Would you like a drink?
RICHARD: Uh, no thanks.
EMILY: I saw Cheeky Lennox today. She's redoing her entire house and I have to say, it's given me a few ideas about this place. I won't scare you with them tonight but I'm very excited about it.
RICHARD: Well I'm glad.
EMILY: Then I did a little shopping and I had my nails done.
RICHARD: Very nice.
EMILY: Sugar and spice, a little crazier than I usually wear but I don't know, I was just in that kind of a mood. So how was your day with the girls?
RICHARD: Wonderful.
EMILY: Tell me about it.
RICHARD: Well, I saw the town, I saw Lorelai's work.
EMILY: Did you eat? Because I can have Heloise whip up something for you.
RICHARD: No thank you, we had Chinese food.
EMILY: Oh, you love Chinese food!
RICHARD: Yes I do.
EMILY: Well I'm thrilled that you had such a wonderful time. It was good for you to get out like that.
RICHARD: Yes it was. In fact, I'm still a little energized from the day, so I think I'm finally gonna organize all those stamps that I've been talking about for ages.
EMILY: Now?
RICHARD: Why not?
EMILY: Well, I think that would be wonderful. Have fun.
[Richard walks into his office and sits down]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x12 - Richard In Stars Hollow"} | foreverdreaming |
2.13 - A-Tisket, A-Tasket
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Robert Berlinger
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[We see several signs near the gazebo promoting the upcoming Stars Hollow "Bid on a Basket" Fundraiser before we see Lorelai and Rory inside Doose's Market looking at baskets.]
LORELAI: So I've decided I'm saving myself for William Holden.
RORY: Wow, it's nice out here in left field.
LORELAI: Hey, I'm sorry. Sunset Boulevard was on last night, and I don't know
I've known him for years Sabrina, Stalag 17 and yet last night something snapped.
RORY: I'll say.
LORELAI: I think it was the monkey scene.
RORY: You know he's d*ad, don't you?
LORELAI: The monkey?
RORY: William Holden!
LORELAI: Ugh, every great relationship has its obstacles. You'd know that if you weren't dating Andy Hardy.
RORY: This one?
LORELAI: Hm, no.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: It's too big, it raises expectations.
RORY: Like there's actually a home-cooked lunch in there?
LORELAI: Instead of whatever is leftover in our refrigerator - exactly.
RORY: Okay, going back on the pile now.
LORELAI: Oh, it's quaint, isn't it? The women get to make a nice lunch basket, the men get to bid on it, and the world rotates backwards on its axis.
RORY: I think it's fun.
LORELAI: That's because you have a pretty boy to bid on your basket.
RORY: Yes I do.
LORELAI: Did you tell him to eat lunch first?
RORY: Hi, I love him, of course. Hey, I'm gonna look in the back.
LORELAI: All right, I'll h*t the front. [walks up front] Hey Patty. Shopping for baskets?
MISS PATTY: Oh please, I bought my basket weeks ago.
LORELAI: Always prepared.
MISS PATTY: Well, I'm getting that itch again.
LORELAI: Oh no, Patty, you don't actually need another husband.
MISS PATTY: Well, need no, but want that's a different story. Listen darling, do you happen to have change for a dollar?
LORELAI: I think so.
MISS PATTY: I don't know where my quarters go.
LORELAI: Down some guy's g-string, I would expect.
MISS PATTY: Oh no, a quarter would be insulting.
LORELAI: Here you go.
MISS PATTY: Oh, thank you so. . . ugh! [drops something out of her wallet]
LORELAI: I got it. [bends down to pick it up]
MISS PATTY: Oh no no , that's okay.
LORELAI: This is a picture of me.
MISS PATTY: It is?
LORELAI: Yeah. Why do you have a picture of me in your wallet?
MISS PATTY: Oh, uh, well, it's a very nice picture.
LORELAI: Thank you. Why do you have a very nice picture of me in your wallet?
MISS PATTY: I'm a stalker?
LORELAI: Or?
MISS PATTY: Or when, in my daily travels, I run across a nice single guy...
LORELAI: Oh God!
MISS PATTY: I like to have a visual aid to help me with the wonderful buildup I give you.
LORELAI: Patty, I appreciate the gesture but I don't need you to try to set me up.
MISS PATTY: You're such a beautiful girl and you deserve a nice guy.
LORELAI: I'll have a nice guy, but let me find him, okay?
MISS PATTY: But you're no good at finding him.
LORELAI: Patty.
MISS PATTY: Oh, all right.
LORELAI: Thank you. I'll keep this if you don't mind.
MISS PATTY: Stubborn girl.
[cut to Rory in the back looking at baskets. Dean walks up to her]
DEAN: Not that one.
RORY: You get no say in the basket.
DEAN: I have to bid on it.
RORY: And you have to eat what's inside it and you get no say in that either.
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Yeah?
DEAN: Is Taylor behind me?
RORY: No. [they kiss; a noise interrupts them]
DEAN: What? Taylor? [he turns around to look] Jess.
JESS: Sorry to intrude.
DEAN: Then why did you?
JESS: Well, you're having your vertical From Here to Eternity moment right in front of the super glue.
RORY: Oh.
JESS: Not that that's not an appropriate place to be doing it in front of but - .
DEAN: Here's your glue.
JESS: Thanks. As you were. [walks away]
DEAN: I really hate that guy.
RORY: He didn't do anything.
DEAN: He's here, he's breathing, that's enough.
RORY: I really wish you two could start over.
DEAN: Why?
RORY: Because he lives here and we run into him. He goes to school here. I just think it'd be easier.
DEAN: I'm fine with the whole hating him thing, thank you.
RORY: I just think it's a waste of energy.
DEAN: You know, I'll have a PowerBar.
RORY: Fine, forget it.
DEAN: So, uh, I should probably get back to work. We still on for tonight?
RORY: I don't know. I might be baking.
DEAN: I'll pick you up at seven. Get that one, it's nice and small.
RORY: Bye.
[Dean walks away; Jess walks back over and startles Rory]
RORY: God!
JESS: Sorry. Two for one sale.
[opening credits]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai is behind the front desk on the phone.]
LORELAI: Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking
Oh sure. Uh, what dates are you looking at? Hold on one sec. . . Um, would you like a king or a queen size bed? . . . Well, you have your choice. I've got a room with a king size and a room with two queens. . . Uh huh. . Oh, well, do you think you'll make up by then? . . . Ugh. Yikes, well, I would take the room with the two queens. . . Uh huh. . . Uh huh. . . Oh God! Uh, sorry, no, nothing, nothing's wrong. I. . everything's . .yes, great, call me back when you know. Okay. Thank you.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Lorelai walks through the door]
LORELAI: So Patty has taken it upon herself to find me a man.
SOOKIE: Oh really?
LORELAI: Yes. Here in my hand I have the pictures and resumes of the top three contenders.
SOOKIE: Anyone good?
LORELAI: No, but two of them have run with the bulls. This is so humiliating. I can find my own man.
SOOKIE: She just loves you.
LORELAI: Yeah, but . . .you know, ew!
SOOKIE: Ugh.
[Jackson walks in]
JACKSON: Sookie?
SOOKIE: Jackson, don't look!
JACKSON: What?
SOOKIE: Cover your eyes!
JACKSON: Okay, okay. I'm sorry, now why am I doing this?
SOOKIE: Because I'm baking for the picnic tomorrow and it's supposed to be a surprise.
JACKSON: Oh sure, never see a pie before an auction, it's bad luck.
LORELAI: Okay, uh, you guys talk, I have to go call Patty and stop the forced mating process. I feel like Ling-Ling the panda bear. Oh, hey, one of them's seen Ghostbusters 124 times. Can you say score? [leaves]
SOOKIE: Okay, what's up?
JACKSON: Well. . . I'm sorry, can I put my hand down? I need to look at you when I talk.
SOOKIE: Uh, hold on. Go.
JACKSON: I got a call from my landlord today reminding me that my lease is up at the end of this month.
SOOKIE: Uh huh.
JACKSON: So, of course, he wanted to know whether I was gonna re-up it or not.
SOOKIE: Uh huh.
JACKSON: But I told him that I had to talk to you first.
SOOKIE: Okay. About what?
JACKSON: About re-upping my lease.
SOOKIE: Mm hmm.
JACKSON: So what do you think?
SOOKIE: About re-upping your lease?
JACKSON: Yes.
SOOKIE: Well, you have a very nice kitchen.
JACKSON: Yes, I know.
SOOKIE: And I like your living room. Though that house across the street has sort of that creepy Miami Beach blue, which means that during the day you really can't look out your window, but at night it's not so bad.
JACKSON: Sookie, forget about the house across the street.
SOOKIE: Well, if you forget about the house across the street, I don't see why you shouldn't.
JACKSON: You don't?
SOOKIE: Nope.
JACKSON: Oh, okay, fine. Um, I just wanted to check with you first.
SOOKIE: Oh, I appreciate that.
JACKSON: So, um, I guess I'll go re-up my lease then.
SOOKIE: Sounds good.
JACKSON: Yeah. Sounds good.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[The day of the fundraiser, Lorelai and Rory walk down the street with their baskets]
LORELAI: You know what's wonderful about this festival?
RORY: No, what?
LORELAI: That it always falls on the day after trash day. Therefore, all the stuff that you forgot to throw out that you would normally be stuck with for another whole week, you can instead put in a pretty basket and auction off for charity.
RORY: That is wonderful.
[Lane runs up behind them]
LANE: Okay, I've got it all worked out.
RORY: Tell please.
LANE: Well, I invited my cousin David to come and bid on my basket, you know, to keep my mother happy.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
LANE: Then when he gets it, we tell my mom we're gonna go eat over at the park where Henry's gonna call on the pay phone at exactly two o'clock for the all is clear' sigh. Then David, with the twenty bucks I give him, will disappear, Henry will arrive, and we'll finally have out first official date.
LORELAI: My head is spinning.
LANE: Stash this at Miss Patty's for me, okay?
RORY: Don't you need this for David to bid on?
LANE: Oh no, my mom packed that one. You know, homemade granola, wheat grass juice, soy chicken taco.
LORELAI: Suddenly our lunches are looking pretty good.
LANE: This is the Henry basket. I went by Gianelli's and stopped in and picked up a couple of meatball heroes and some chips. I also packed a change of clothes, makeup, makeup remover, and three temporary tattoos.
LORELAI: Sure, cause four would be trashy.
LANE: I gotta go. I gotta sneak back into my house. Oh, I'm so excited! [leaves]
LORELAI: Ah man. I remember the days of lying to my mother about a boy. Once I had a boy hidden in the closet and of course Mom wouldn't leave, so I finally had to pretend to get sick to my stomach just to get her out of the room long enough for him to climb out the window and down the tree. He fell, broke his leg. Ah, to be young again.
CUT TO AUCTION
[A crowd is gathered in front of the gazebo filled with baskets. Taylor stands at a podium in front as the auctioneer]
TAYLOR: Sold for fifteen dollars to the man in the yellow. Thank you very much. Now the next basket I have here is a lovely green wicker number that would be a charming addition to any room once the lunch is gone. Let's start the bidding at five dollars. Do I hear five?
DAVID: Five dollars.
TAYLOR: Okay, I have five dollars. Do I hear ten?
KIRK: Ten dollars. [Mrs. Kim glares at him] Withdrawn.
TAYLOR: Okay, I'm still at five, do I hear ten? Five going once, five going twice, sold to the young man for five dollars. You know what's nice, you can put a couple of extra rolls of toilet paper in there and stick it someplace in the bathroom decorative and convenient. Now this next one may not look like much ...
RORY: Mine.
LORELAI: Nice.
TAYLOR: ... but remember people good things come in small packages.
LORELAI: How badly does he want to be hosting a game show?
RORY: Hm, he can taste it.
TAYLOR: Let's start the bidding at three dollars.
RORY: Hey!
DEAN: Five dollars.
TAYLOR: Now that's the kind of bidding we want to hear today.
LORELAI: He's good. He's very good.
TAYLOR: Five dollars, do I hear ten dollars?
JESS: Ten dollars.
TAYLOR: Okay, I have ten dollars. Do I have fifteen?
JESS: Twenty.
TAYLOR: Twenty dollars, do I hear twenty-five?
DEAN: Thirty.
TAYLOR: Okay, see, you boys don't seem to understand the way this thing works.
JESS: Forty dollars.
DEAN: Fifty dollars.
TAYLOR: Excuse me, have either of you noticed how tiny this thing is?
JESS: Seventy-five.
TAYLOR: Now we're not talking cents gentlemen, we're talking dollars remember.
LORELAI: Uh oh. Dean's hesitating.
DEAN: Eighty.
RORY: He does not have eighty dollars to spend on that basket.
TAYLOR: Eighty? Eighty dollars?
JESS: Ninety.
TAYLOR: Ninety dollars, is that correct?
LORELAI: You know, I don't think he'll have to.
TAYLOR: Okay, we've got ninety going once, ninety dollars going twice. . . sold to the nice young hoodlum in the back for ninety dollars.
LORELAI: I'm trying to think, uh, in what scenario this situation could be construed as positive.
RORY: Well . . .
LORELAI: Well, no one's head's on f*re.
RORY: I better go talk to Dean.
LORELAI: Do you want some help?
RORY: No, it's okay. I'm just officially not a fan of unpredictability.
LORELAI: I totally understand. Good luck.
[Rory walks over to Dean as the auction goes on in the background]
TAYLOR: Five dollars on this one, do I hear five dollars?
MAN: Five!
TAYLOR: Five dollars, that's good. Thanks you, how about ten dollars?
MAN: I'll go ten!
TAYLOR: Ten dollars - let's keep going. Look at the size of this . . .
[cut to Rory and Dean talking behind the gazebo]
DEAN: I'm gonna k*ll him.
RORY: Dean, he was probably just fooling around or something.
DEAN: No, he was messing with me.
RORY: I don't - .
DEAN: He was messing with me and it's the last time, I swear to God.
RORY: Dean, calm down.
DEAN: Why would he do this?
RORY: Maybe he was hungry.
DEAN: He's trying to make me crazy.
RORY: Just don't let him.
[Jess walks up behind them]
JESS: I gotta tell you, of all the nutty barn raising shindigs this town can cook up, this one wasn't half bad.
DEAN: Glad you enjoyed it.
JESS: Yes I did. So shall we?
DEAN: Shall we what?
JESS: Shall we go?
DEAN: Go where?
JESS: Go eat.
DEAN: Excuse me?
JESS: The person who buys the basket wins the company of the person who makes the basket for lunch. Basket, basket maker, guy who didn't bring enough money.
DEAN: You think this is funny.
JESS: Well, it's no Lenny Bruce routine but it has its moments.
DEAN: Bye Jess.
JESS: Where you going?
DEAN: You're the one who's going.
JESS: Oh, as soon as Rory is ready.
DEAN: She's not going with you.
JESS: Really, is that true?
DEAN: Yes, it's true.
JESS: Excuse me Edgar Bergen, I think I'd like Charlie McCarthy to answer now.
DEAN: Shut up.
RORY: Dean.
DEAN: What?
RORY: Well
DEAN: Oh, come on!
RORY: It's tradition.
DEAN: I don't believe this.
RORY: It's true. My mother and I have been doing this every year since we moved here.
DEAN: So buck tradition.
RORY: Are you kidding? Do you remember how mad Taylor was when I was sick and I couldn't go to the turkey-calling contest?
DEAN: This isn't school, you're not getting graded.
RORY: Just don't make this into a big thing.
DEAN: Don't go.
JESS: Oh geez man, she's not shipping off to Nam.
DEAN: You SO need to shut up now.
RORY: Look, Dean, it's a picnic, it's lunch. We'll sit, we'll eat, it's over.
DEAN: No.
RORY: What do you think's gonna happen?
JESS: Yeah, I think I'd like to hear this one also.
DEAN: I don't want you to go.
RORY: Dean!
DEAN: Fine, forget it, go. [walks away]
RORY: [follows him] Please don't walk away like that.
DEAN: Sorry, I'd do a silly walk but I'm not feeling very John Cleese right now.
RORY: Dean, this isn't my fault. I didn't ask him to do that, I didn't tell him to do that. Dean, you're my boyfriend. I would never do anything to hurt you.
DEAN: Yeah? You're doing it right now. [walks away]
CUT TO AUCTION
TAYLOR: Going once, going twice. . .sold for twenty-five dollars! Congratulations. Thank you. Oh Lord, will you look at this? Ladies and gentlemen, now this is a basket.
[Sookie mouths to Jackson That's my basket']
TAYLOR: Let's start the bidding on this delicious treat at ten dollars. Do I hear ten dollars?
KIRK: Ten dollars.
ANDREW: Fifteen dollars.
TAYLOR: I have fifteen dollars.
KIRK: Twenty dollars.
TAYLOR: Twenty dollars, I have twenty dollars. Is that my final offer?
KIRK: All right, fine, twenty-five.
TAYLOR: Kirk, you just offered twenty, you upped your own bid.
SOOKIE: Im sorry, can we stop the bidding for just a second?
TAYLOR: Sookie, you know the rules.
SOOKIE: Yes, but I .
TAYLOR: We have twenty-five dollars. Do I hear thirty?
SOOKIE: Jackson.
ANDREW: Thirty, if there's pie.
TAYLOR: There are no contingencies Andrew.
KIRK: Thirty-five.
TAYLOR: Andrew?
SOOKIE: Jackson?
ANDREW: I'm not going any higher without the promise of pie.
TAYLOR: Thirty-five going once, thirty-five going twice. . .sold to Kirk for thirty-five dollars.
KIRK: Yes, finally! You know, if it hadn't have been for me I could've had it for twenty-five.
[Sookie and Jackson walk away from the crowd]
SOOKIE: Hey, what is wrong with you? I gave you all the signals. The pointing, the waving, the mouthing That's my basket.' Didn't you see the mouthing?
JACKSON: Yes, I saw the mouthing.
SOOKIE: Well, why didn't you bid?
JACKSON: I don't know. It just didn't feel right.
SOOKIE: What are you talking about, it didn't feel right? I made four kinds of pesto and three different desserts. Plus the entire basket is an edible pretzel with a goat cheese filling.
JACKSON: Well, I hope Kirk enjoys it.
SOOKIE: I don't understand.
JACKSON: Oh, come on Sookie.
SOOKIE: What?
JACKSON: I told you that the lease was up on my apartment, and I asked you if you thought that I should renew the lease on my apartment and you said yes!
SOOKIE: Do you not like that apartment?
JACKSON: No, I love that apartment. It's perfect, the ultimate bachelor pad. It's just big enough for one.
SOOKIE: Oh.
JACKSON: Only here's the thing. You and I, we've been dating for awhile and I don't know, I thought things were going pretty well.
SOOKIE: Things are going really well.
JACKSON: Okay, so I had this crazy thought that since things were going really well that maybe it was time to take a step forward.
SOOKIE: You wanted to move in together?
JACKSON: Well, I at least wanted to consider moving in together.
SOOKIE: Oh, uh, I hadn't even thought about it.
JACKSON: You hadn't?
SOOKIE: Well, no.
JACKSON: Oh, my mistake then. I thought we were on the same wavelength. We weren't, no problem, enjoy your lunch.
SOOKIE: Jackson, I lied. I have thought about it - a lot. Our bathroom's gonna be pink. I'm sorry.
JACKSON: Well, why didn't you say something?
SOOKIE: I didn't want to ruin anything. We're doing so well, we have so much fun, it's all working.
JACKSON: Why would living together mess all that up?
SOOKIE: I don't know. We'd see each other every day.
JACKSON: We see each other every day now.
SOOKIE: And you'd find out all my annoying little quirks.
JACKSON: Hey, I've got annoying quirks too, you know.
SOOKIE: I know.
JACKSON: What's that supposed to mean?
SOOKIE: And you might get sick of me.
JACKSON: Or you might get sick of me.
SOOKIE: No, that's not gonna happen.
JACKSON: Well, if that's not gonna happen, then what's the problem?
SOOKIE: The problem is that Kirk is gonna eat my goat cheese basket.
JACKSON: Not if I have anything to say about it. [they kiss] How's that for not getting sick of you? Now if you'll excuse me, I got a basket to get.
[cut back to auction]
TAYLOR: Next up why, that looks like a Doose's market basket. Nice, huh?
LORELAI: Ooh, that's mine.
TAYLOR: I'd like to start the bidding at five dollars.
GUY 1: I bid five dollars.
LORELAI: Whoa, that was quick.
GUY 2: Ten dollars.
LORELAI: Do they know that all that's in there is two stale Pop Tarts and a Slim Jim?
GUY 3: Fifteen dollars.
LORELAI: He looks familiar.
GUY 1: Twenty dollars.
TAYLOR: Twenty dollars.
LORELAI: So does he.
GUY 2: Twenty-five.
TAYLOR: This is going very well gentlemen, keep it up.
LORELAI: Oh no. [walks over to Miss Patty] Those are the guys, aren't they?
MISS PATTY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: The guys whose pictures you sent me - you brought them here! You're setting me up!
MISS PATTY: Well darling, you can't be trusted to do it yourself.
LORELAI: Oh geez, oh geez!
GUY 2: Thirty-five.
MISS PATTY: That one's a snorkler.
LORELAI: Ugh! [runs away]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai bursts through the door]
LORELAI: Luke! Where is he, where is he? I need him! Caesar, where is - agh, agh, thank God. Hey, hey, you gotta come with me.
LUKE: What are you doing? Hey hey, I got plates here!
LORELAI: Put the burgers down. Caeser, you're in charge.
LUKE: Now wait.
LORELAI: Do you have money? I need money. Which one opens this thing? Is it that one, not that one.
LUKE: Stop messing with that.
LORELAI: Luke, you gotta come out there with me. Patty gave my picture out to all these guys because she thinks I need a man.
LUKE: You do, one with a nice couch and a deep knowledge of Freud.
LORELAI: You have to come out and bid on my basket.
LUKE: Are you serious?
LORELAI: Yes.
LUKE: I have never in my life taken part in one of these crazy group flip outs. I'm not about to start now.
LORELAI: But - right now - out there the -.
LUKE: Just buy your own basket.
LORELAI: I cannot buy my own basket.
LUKE: Why not?
LORELAI: Because that is pathetic.
LUKE: And chasing me around my diner begging me to buy your basket?
LORELAI: Also pathetic. But that is a pathetic I can live with, where that pathetic is a truly pathetic pathetic, and only you can save me from the double pathetic! Please!
LUKE: I can't believe I'm doing this.
LORELAI: Ha ha! Hurry up. Hurry up!
[Lorelai rushes him out the door]
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Luke walk up to the crowd]
GUY 1: Forty-five fifty.
GUY 2: Forty-six.
GUY 3: Forty-six fifty.
GUY 1: Forty-seven.
LORELAI: Go, go on.
LUKE: Forty-seven dollars, are you kidding?
LORELAI: Luke!
GUY 2: Forty-seven fifty!
LUKE: For what? Two stale Pop Tarts and a Slim Jim?
LORELAI: Okay, you're not getting the whole saving me here thing, are you?
LUKE: Fine. Forty-eight.
GUY 1: Forty-eight fifty.
LUKE: Forty-nine.
GUY 2: Forty-nine fifty.
LUKE: Uh, fifty-two fifty.
GUY 1: What? We're just supposed to go to fifty.
LUKE: I have a life.
LORELAI: Fifty-two fifty going once!
TAYLOR: Hey, hey, that's my job! Fifty-two fifty going once, fifty-two fifty going twice . . .
LORELAI: Oh, please God.
TAYLOR: Sold for fifty-two fifty.
LORELAI: Yes! Ha, ha, sorry guys, don't feel bad. I'm totally into Dungeons and Dragons. You've skated.
TAYLOR: And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes the basket bidding for today. Victors come claim your prizes and your dates. Let the lunching begin!
LORELAI: You rock!
LUKE: Thank you.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
LUKE: So what do we do now?
LORELAI: I guess we eat.
LUKE: This?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: First I have to buy it, then I have to eat it?
LORELAI: Hey, the basket of botulism does come with my company.
LUKE: Huh. You don't eat with your mouth open do you?
LORELAI: Women don't eat at all. We just look at food and jump on the treadmill.
LUKE: All right, let's go.
[cut to Rory standing alone as Jess walks up to her]
JESS: You know, there's nothing there.
RORY: Yes, I know.
JESS: You going after him?
RORY: Not right now.
JESS: So then, shall we?
RORY: Fine, come on.
CUT TO BENCH
[Kirk is going through Sookie's basket as Jackson walks over to him]
JACKSON: I've been looking all over for you.
KIRK: Any idea what this is?
JACKSON: Uh, yeah, it's a pineapplecranberry chutney.
KIRK: Ech.
JACKSON: Listen, I'd like to talk to you about this basket. As you know, Sookie made it and since Sookie and I are seeing each other, naturally she assumed that I would bid on it.
KIRK: Where are the carrot sticks? Every lunch has carrot sticks.
JACKSON: But see, I was a little upset about a fight we had had, and so I didn't bid on the basket.
KIRK: I love carrot sticks, especially the crinkle cut kind.
JACKSON: However, we just made up and now I'd like to have lunch with Sookie, so. . . I need the basket.
KIRK: This is my basket.
JACKSON: Yes, but I'd like you to give it to me so that I can have lunch with Sookie.
KIRK: I bought this basket. The rules are whoever bids the highest gets to keep the basket.
JACKSON: Yeah, I understand the rules but - .
KIRK: I bid the highest, I bought the basket, I get the basket.
JACKSON: Okay Kirk, I'll pay you for it. I'll give you forty-five dollars, that's ten dollars more than you paid for it.
KIRK: No.
JACKSON: Okay, fifty dollars.
KIRK: No.
JACKSON: Kirk, this is insane. I'll buy you another basket.
KIRK: I don't need you to buy me another basket. I won this one. You can't just come by and take it away. Just because you have a girlfriend and she made this basket for you doesn't give you the right to bully those of us who don't have girlfriends or anybody to make a basket for them.
JACKSON: Well, I wasn't trying to bully you.
KIRK: Not this year, not last year, not the year before that.
JACKSON: Okay Kirk.
KIRK: My mother didn't even make one for me.
JACKSON: Oh, that's very sad.
KIRK: She made one for all my brothers and sisters but not for me.
JACKSON: That's terrible, Kirk.
KIRK: Twelve brothers and sisters, the only one without a basket me.
JACKSON: Okay Kirk, what's it gonna take?
KIRK: Two hundred and fifty dollars.
JACKSON: Kirk, you're kidding me.
KIRK: Twelve brothers and sisters.
JACKSON: Will you take a check?
KIRK: With two forms of ID.
JACKSON: I swear, you better be as pathetic as you sound.
KIRK: Oh, trust me
CUT TO BENCH
[Lane and David sit on a bench in the park]
LANE: What time is it?
DAVID: Three o'clock.
LANE: I don't understand, Henry should've called by now. Give me some change. [walks over to pay phone] Oh my God, it's not working!
DAVID: Great, can I have his lunch now?
LANE: I'll be right back.
CUT TO GAZEBO
[Lorelai and Luke sit on the bench]
LORELAI: We're supposed to be eating on the ground.
LUKE: Says who?
LORELAI: Every picture you've ever seen of a picnic shows people eating on the ground.
LUKE: Yes, and every time I have seen a picture of people eating on the ground I've thought, what the hell are you people doing sitting on the ground? Spring for some beach chairs, you cheapskates.
[Lane runs up into the gazebo]
LANE: Hey Lorelai, do you have your cell phone?
LORELAI: Yeah, is everything okay hon?
LANE: I just need to make a call.
LORELAI: Here you go.
LANE: I'll be right back.
[Lane walks away as Luke stands up]
LORELAI: Hey, where are you going?
LUKE: I am going to the diner, I am going to get us some edible food and I'm gonna bring it back here for us to eat.
LORELAI: That is so not the point of today. I made this. I am insulted. I will now proceed to pout.
LUKE: I'll bring back some brownies.
LORELAI: Ooh, the pouting has left the building.
[cut to Lane on the cell phone]
HENRY: Hello?
LANE: Hello, Henry?
HENRY: Lane, I've been trying to call you.
LANE: I know, the pay phone is broken.
HENRY: I thought the number was wrong and I didn't know what to do, so I. . .
LANE: What, you what?
HENRY: I called your house and your mother answered.
LANE: What did you say?
HENRY: I asked for you and then she asked why, and I said because and she said because why, and I got nervous and tried to sell her a subscription to the Wall Street Journal.
LANE: Oh, were you successful?
HENRY: Lane.
LANE: Sorry, but at least she doesn't know, right?
HENRY: I guess not.
LANE: Okay, then we're still good. Can you meet me now?
HENRY: I don't know.
LANE: I know it's later than we planned, but we still have a little time and I saved your lunch from David.
HENRY: David?
LANE: My cousin, the decoy.
HENRY: Oh, right.
LANE: So we'll rendezvous where I told you. Just drive by, honk twice, go around the block, and the second time you pass I'll jump in the car.
HENRY: Gee, do you even want me to slow down?
LANE: Well yeah, of course. I mean, not to a total stop -.
HENRY: Lane, I don't think this is gonna work out.
LANE: What
HENRY: This - you, me.
LANE: Are you breaking up with me?
HENRY: How can I break up with you? I've never been out with you.
LANE: Well yeah, but that's what today was supposed to be, a date.
HENRY: A date where we need a secret plan and a two-honk driveby and a decoy cousin?
LANE: Well, yeah.
HENRY: Lane, I like you but I want to be able to actually pick you up, stop the car, and take you out. And I wanna be able to call you, at your house.
LANE: I'm gonna tell my mother, I promise.
HENRY: When?
LANE: Soon.
HENRY: Yeah. Look, I've got prom coming up and my friends and I are gonna rent a limo to take us there and I wanna go, and I wanna take a date.
LANE: Well, I'm sure I can figure something out. Maybe Rory can .
HENRY: I asked somebody else.
LANE: Oh.
HENRY: I'm sorry, I just figured you'd never be able to go and - .
LANE: No, it's okay, that's good. You should've asked someone else.
HENRY: I do like you Lane.
LANE: Okay, well, thank you, I appreciate that. I have to go.
HENRY: Lane.
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Lane walks up to the house as Mrs. Kim walks out.]
MRS. KIM: David came by here fifteen minutes ago, said you ran off somewhere! Where did you run?
LANE: Nowhere.
MRS. KIM: Who is he?
LANE: Who?
MRS. KIM: The boy you ran off to see! The one who calls here pretending to work for the Wall Street Journal!
LANE: There's no boy.
MRS. KIM: You know the rules, no boys! Not unless I approve and I don't approve!
LANE: How do you know?
MRS. KIM: I know, I know! You're sneaking, you're lying, that means something's wrong with this boy!
LANE: There's nothing wrong with this boy. He's perfect and he likes me and I was so afraid to tell you about him that now he's gonna take somebody else to the prom and I blew it!
MRS. KIM: You go upstairs right now and calm down!
LANE: Fine!
MRS. KIM: Now!
LANE: Fine! [stomps up the stairs]
MRS. KIM: That is not calming down!
[cut to Rory and Jess walks towards the bridge]
JESS: Where do you wanna eat?
RORY: Don't care.
JESS: Okay.
RORY: Where are you going?
JESS: Thought you didn't care.
RORY: I'm not jumping in the lake.
JESS: No underwater dining, got it.
RORY: Now what?
JESS: Now we sit.
RORY: Here?
JESS: Yup.
RORY: On the bridge, that's where we're gonna eat?
JESS: Yup.
RORY: Okay.
JESS: Yeah, I like this place.
RORY: Wow. A place in Stars Hollow you actually like. I'm stunned.
JESS: It's got some good memories. You see right over there?
RORY: Yup.
JESS: That's where Luke pushed me in.
RORY: Huh.
JESS: Yeah.
RORY: It's nice.
JESS: It is.
RORY: So why'd you do it?
JESS: Do what?
RORY: Outbid Dean like that.
JESS: I don't know. I guess it started as a joke just to bug him, but then he just got so mad, you know? And he is so tall, and I just was looking at him and he's standing there all tall and mad and I just. . .I don't know. It was. . .it was really funny.
RORY: It wasn't funny.
JESS: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't intend to do it. Does that make you feel any better?
RORY: I just don't wanna be in a fight with Dean.
JESS: I'm sorry about that. You wanna push me in the lake? It's cathartic, I hear.
RORY: Hm, maybe in a little.
JESS: Whatever. So why don't we open this thing?
RORY: Go ahead.
[Jess opens the picnic basket]
JESS: Wow. Not one thing in here that I would remotely consider eating.
RORY: Well, I didn't make it for you. I made it for Dean.
JESS: And Dean would've eaten this? [holds up a container]
RORY: Yes, he would have.
[Jess tastes a forkful of the food and makes a face]
JESS: Dean is an idiot.
RORY: Dean never would've fallen for that.
JESS: Ah, ha ha.
[cut to Jackson and Sookie sitting on a blanket]
SOOKIE: I can't believe he wouldn't take your check.
JACKSON: Well, apparently, I don't look like my picture.
SOOKIE: He's a loon.
JACKSON: Yeah. It's okay. I'm paying him off in weekly installment in crinkle cut carrot sticks.
SOOKIE: I'm glad we made up.
JACKSON: Yeah, me too.
SOOKIE: And you know, if you still wanted to talk about, you know, what we were talking about, we could talk about it now.
JACKSON: Hmm, nah.
SOOKIE: Excuse me?
JACKSON: I don't know. I'm having second thoughts.
SOOKIE: You are?
JACKSON: Yeah. I mean, living together - big deal, right?
SOOKIE: Oh right. Big deal. Who cares? Not me. No siree, Bob. So, I'm sorry, you don't think we should live together anymore?
JACKSON: Nope.
SOOKIE: Okay.
JACKSON: I think we should get married.
SOOKIE: What?
JACKSON: I think we should get married.
SOOKIE: But uh, but. . .
JACKSON: Soon.
SOOKIE: Are you pregnant?
JACKSON: What do you say? Sookie?
SOOKIE: Yes! I say yes. Oh my God, we're getting married! You do know that this means we'll have to live together, right?
JACKSON: Yes I do.
SOOKIE: Okay, good.
[Cut to Luke and Lorelai sitting in the gazebo]
LORELAI: You know, your burgers actually taste better outside.
LUKE: Good. Next time the roof in the diner's leaking, I'll just rip the stupid thing off.
LORELAI: So this is nice, huh? Come on, admit it.
LUKE: Never.
LORELAI: What? Admit it, you would much rather be sitting out here than inside working.
LUKE: The diner's probably on f*re by now.
LORELAI: You are stubborn.
LUKE: I'm stubborn?
LORELAI: Yeah, you're stubborn.
LUKE: You're Miss Flexibility over here?
LORELAI: Hey, I can be flexible.
LUKE: Please.
LORELAI: I can. As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I'm totally flexible.
LUKE: Ah, well, my mistake.
LORELAI: Do you want a fry?
LUKE: You want a carrot?
LORELAI: Impossible.
LUKE: Right back at ya. So let me ask you something.
LORELAI: Napkin, please.
LUKE: Who did you want to get your basket?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: I mean, before you knew Patty was gonna put you on the Dating Game, you did pack this disgusting lunch and bring it out here, so who did you want to get it?
LORELAI: Well, last year Roy Wilkins bought it and I got my sprinklers fixed for half price.
LUKE: Uh huh.
LORELAI: And this year my rain gutters are completely clogged, and I thought if I could get the Collins kid to bite, I'd get that taken care of.
LUKE: Very practical.
LORELAI: I thought so.
LUKE: So the participation in this thing was purely for home improvement reasons?
LORELAI: Yes. And I don't know, it's a nice concept.
LUKE: What is?
LORELAI: Just having someone who you love or have some kind of crazy crush on bid on your basket and then share a romantic lunch, it's a nice concept.
LUKE: Well, I'm sure someday you'll manage to find the right guy and drag him out to this thing and make him by your stupid basket and then you'll be sitting out here with him.
LORELAI: Yeah, someday.
LUKE: You know what?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: This is nice.
[Dean walks up behind them]
DEAN: I have to talk to you.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, okay. I'll be right back.
LUKE: I'll be right here.
[Lorelai walks out of the gazebo over to Dean]
LORELAI: Hey, how're you doing?
DEAN: Uh, I'm not great.
LORELAI: Aw, Dean, it's just a silly town thing.
DEAN: I know, and I've been telling myself that and I tried to go home and forget about it, but I can't. I'm worried about Rory. I don't think she should be hanging out with this guy.
LORELAI: Well, I know that today was kind of a. . .
DEAN: It's got nothing to do with today. I mean, yes, it has a little to do with today but it's more than that. Ever since I've met him, I've had this feeling that he was bad news.
LORELAI: Yes, Jess has a few issues.
DEAN: Yeah, one issue is that he's a complete jerk. I mean, he's always getting in fights at school. That is, when he bothers to show up at all. And he's just. . . I don't know. And now this whole thing with Rory, it's like he's always around.
LORELAI: You sound jealous.
DEAN: I'm not jealous. He just. . . she has to be nice to everyone, you know?
LORELAI: I know. But hon, that's Rory.
DEAN: Well, he's gonna get her into trouble. I can feel it, I just know it. And he doesn't care about her, he's just using her to drive me crazy.
LORELAI: Dean, you love Rory, right?
DEAN: Yeah.
LORELAI: So, part of love is trust. You just have to trust her.
DEAN: I do trust her, it's - .
LORELAI: Him, I know. But flying off the handle like this is not gonna get you what you want. She cares about you, she's not gonna do anything to mess things up with you guys. I know this.
DEAN: I hope you're right.
[cut to Rory and Jess on the bridge]
RORY: Ten.
JESS: Ten?
RORY: Yeah but I didn't understand a word of it, so I had to reread it when I was fifteen.
JESS: I've yet to make it through it.
RORY: Really? Try it. The Fountainhead is classic.
JESS: Yeah, but Ayn Rand is a political nut.
RORY: Yeah, but nobody could write a forty page monologue the way that she could.
JESS: Okay, tomorrow I will try again, and you will. . .
RORY: Give the painful Ernest Hemingway another chance. Yes, I promise.
JESS: You know, Ernest only has lovely things to say about you.
RORY: Why are you only nice to me?
JESS: Excuse me?
RORY: An hour ago you were totally screwing with Dean and now you're totally nice to me.
JESS: You see, it's the screwing with Dean - that's an important step to getting here so that I can be nice to you.
RORY: So it was a plan.
JESS: What?
RORY: The whole bidding on my basket, it was a plan.
JESS: Okay, I'm officially starving.
RORY: And officially evasive.
JESS: Come on, I'll get you a pizza.
RORY: Answer my question.
JESS: Do you like pepperoni?
RORY: Not going to, are you?
JESS: We can just get it on half if you want.
RORY: Okay, I give, let's go.
JESS: If you insist.
[Rory walks away, not realizing her bracelet had fallen off. Jess picks it up and puts it in his pocket.]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sitting on the couch as Rory walks in the front door]
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Oh, hey. Where've you been? I thought Taylor auctioned you off to the highest bidder.
RORY: No, I just went to get some pizza and I, uh, wandered around the bookstore for a little while. Here. [hands her a book]
LORELAI: What's this?
RORY: You said you wanted to read the Children's Hour.
LORELAI: I did?
RORY: The other night when we were watching Julia, and Jane Fonda was playing Lillian Hellman.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, and I made the Hellmann's mayonnaise joke.
RORY: Which no one ever needs to hear again.
LORELAI: Right, right. Well, thanks.
RORY: You're welcome.
LORELAI: So who were you with?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Pizza, book buying - did you have company?
RORY: Oh, yeah.
LORELAI: Who?
RORY: Um, Jess.
LORELAI: Jess?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Right.
RORY: So, I'll be in my room.
LORELAI: Okay, good.
[Lorelai follows Rory into her room]
LORELAI: So how was the picnic?
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: Good. Did you get the Dean issue resolved?
RORY: Not yet. He's coming over later and we're gonna smooth things over hopefully.
LORELAI: Aw, yeah, well, smoothing's good. I love the smoothing. So, how was it with Jess?
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: Well obviously, the pizza and the books. So good, that's. . .I'm glad.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: What what?
RORY: Well, you look like you have something to say.
LORELAI: I have nothing to say. I never have anything to say.
RORY: Yes, that is your reputation.
LORELAI: It's. . .I don't know. I'm just surprised that you're hanging out with him, that's all.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: He doesn't seem like the nicest kid.
RORY: Well, you don't know him.
LORELAI: No, I guess not.
RORY: You're just judging him by that one time that he came over here.
LORELAI: Which, by the way, was not a rousing success.
RORY: He had just moved here. He was mad at his mom. Trust me, he's got a really good side to him. You'll see it eventually.
LORELAI: Good, I can't wait.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: No, well, I'm sorry. It's. . I just, uh, I don't know. From the things I've seen and the things I hear. . .
RORY: Like what things?
LORELAI: The vandalism, the stealing, the cutting school, the fighting.
RORY: How do you know about the fighting?
LORELAI: Well, Dean told me.
RORY: Dean?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: You've been discussing this with Dean?
LORELAI: No, he discussed it with me.
RORY: When?
LORELAI: Today. Rory, he's really upset about this.
RORY: So he went running to my mother?
LORELAI: Well, he needed someone to talk to.
RORY: Well, he could've talked to me.
LORELAI: No, he couldn't cause you were off with Jess.
RORY: You're taking his side?
LORELAI: I'm not taking sides here, okay? I'm Swiss, babe.
RORY: I wasn't off with Jess. I. . .Jess outbid him.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: Well, the rule is that if one person outbids someone else, then. . .
LORELAI: Rory, this is not about the rule. I know what the rule is. This is about Dean being concerned that you're hanging out with someone who can get you hurt.
RORY: How could Jess get me hurt?
LORELAI: I don't know, hon. In the short amount of time he's been here, he's managed to make a lot of enemies.
RORY: I'm sorry, when did I move to Salem?
LORELAI: People are concerned about you, you know? You're young and naïve and you think that everyone has some good inside if you give them a chance.
RORY: So you're saying that Jess is no good?
LORELAI: I've known guys like Jess. He seems cool because he's got this dangerous vibe and this problem with authority and he's seen a lot of Sylvester Stallone movies.
RORY: Oh my God.
LORELAI: But guys like this get into trouble which, if you hang out with them, gets you into trouble and I don't want you to get into trouble.
RORY: I'm sorry, are we talking about Dean still or are we suddenly talking about you?
LORELAI: Hey, I've been there, okay? You haven't.
RORY: Been where? I mean, we got pizza, we looked at some books. God, I can't even believe that I'm having this conversation with you. I mean, with you of all people. I mean. . . I don't even want to talk about this anymore.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: No, I'm going for a walk.
LORELAI: Uh, Dean is gonna be here any minute.
RORY: Well, he probably wants to talk to you anyhow.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory and Emily are eating dinner.]
EMILY: A cigar club. Can you imagine a more disgusting organization to join? Your grandfather now pays money to sit in an enclosed room with a bunch of other men and blow smoke in each other's faces. Twice a week he comes home smelling like a flophouse. So I finally just confronted him. I said, Richard, I know you're going through a transitional period here and I encourage your trying out new things, but this seems completely out of character for you.' I'm sorry, am I boring you?
LORELAI: No, you're not.
RORY: Sorry Grandma.
EMILY: So how are things at the inn?
LORELAI: Fine, the same.
EMILY: And Rory, how's that boyfriend of yours?
RORY: Apparently very chatty.
EMILY: Well that's nice. Lorelai, anything new with you?
LORELAI: No, nothing. It's been pretty quiet around the house lately.
EMILY: Well, sometimes quiet can be nice. Soothing. You can hear yourself think. All right, what's going on with you too?
LORELAI: Nothing.
EMILY: It's not nothing. You've both been sitting here all night, not saying a word and not even looking at each other. Are you in a fight?
LORELAI: I'm not.
RORY: Please.
LORELAI: Please what? You are the one who's been freezing me out all week.
RORY: I just haven't had anything to say. [her pager goes off]
LORELAI: Who is it?
RORY: No one.
LORELAI: Why won't you tell me who?
RORY: Cause it's no one.
LORELAI: Is it Jess?
RORY: You're kidding, right?
EMILY: Jess, who's Jess?
LORELAI: No, I'm not kidding.
RORY: Why would you automatically assume that it's Jess?
LORELAI: Because why won't you tell me who it is?
EMILY: Who's Jess?
LORELAI: Luke's nephew.
RORY: It's not Jess, okay? It's Dean. You wanna read it? Oh wait, no. Dean will probably tell you all about it later.
LORELAI: That's not funny. You know, all week you've been - .
RORY: We're not getting into this again.
EMILY: What? Getting into what? Is it about this Jess the thing you're not getting into again?
RORY: You know, you never liked Dean at the beginning.
LORELAI: That's because I didn't know him.
RORY: And now you don't like Jess?
LORELAI: That's because I know him.
EMILY: Are you dating Jess? What happened to Dean?
RORY: I'm not dating Jess.
LORELAI: No, but he's trying to weasel his way in.
RORY: He's not trying to weasel his way.
EMILY: In where?
LORELAI: In Rory's world. He has his eye on her, and he's trouble.
RORY: He's not trouble.
LORELAI: Yes he is.
EMILY: Rory, if your mother thinks this boy isn't appropriate company for you then you need to listen to her.
LORELAI: There, thank you Mom.
RORY: Excuse me, but I don't feel very hungry right now. [leaves table]
CUT TO RICHARD'S STUDY
[Rory walks in and shuts the door. She sits down, then walks over to the phone and dials]
MRS. KIM: Kim's Antiques, we're closed, call tomorrow.
RORY: Mrs. Kim, it's Rory.
MRS. KIM: It's after nine.
RORY: I know.
MRS. KIM: Lane can't talk after nine.
RORY: Mrs. Kim, I promise I will never again call Lane after nine, but can I please just talk to her now? Just this once?
MRS. KIM: Okay, just this once.
RORY: Thank you.
[Mrs. Kim walks up to Lane's room]
MRS. KIM: Lane?
LANE: What?
MRS. KIM: Phone.
LANE: But it's after nine.
MRS. KIM: It's okay, it's Rory.
LANE: I don't want to talk right now.
MRS. KIM: Rory?
RORY: Yes?
MRS. KIM: Lane's not feeling well, she needs to call you tomorrow.
RORY: Oh, okay. Um, thanks anyhow.
MRS. KIM: Yes, goodbye. [hangs up] Lane!
[she walks into Lane's room]
MRS. KIM: It's early for you to be in bed.
LANE: I'm tired.
MRS. KIM: Come downstairs and have some tea.
LANE: No, thank you.
MRS. KIM: I know you're upset but I have these rules for a reason. I'm your mother, I know what's best for you.
LANE: Can we talk about this tomorrow please?
MRS. KIM: You see, this is exactly why I make these rules. You're too young, too vulnerable. American boys have different values, they don't understand respect, you get hurt. I do all of this so you don't get hurt and now here you are hurt. I don't like this, I don't like this at all. Who is he, this boy who hurt you?
LANE: Henry Cho.
MRS. KIM: Cho?
LANE: Yes.
MRS. KIM: Cho sounds Korean.
LANE: It is Korean.
MRS. KIM: He was Korean?
LANE: Yes, and he was smart and wonderful and cute.
MRS. KIM: And and you're sure he was Korean?
LANE: He's gonna be a doctor, he goes to church, he's a counselor at Bible camp, and he liked me.
MRS. KIM: A doctor.
LANE: I'm so stupid. I should've just told you and I didn't and now he's gone and I'm just stupid.
MRS. KIM: Maybe I can call his mother.
LANE: I don't want to talk about this anymore.
MRS. KIM: You're sure he was Korean?
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Emily sit at the table]
LORELAI: I swear Mom, there's just something about that kid that. . .ugh, I don't know. And I hate it because he's Luke's nephew and Rory likes him but. . .
EMILY: You are her mother Lorelai. You must set boundaries and restrictions, it's your job.
LORELAI: I wanted to like him but I just couldn't, and Rory can't see it.
EMILY: Well, she's young.
LORELAI: And she won't take my word for it.
EMILY: Well, she's young.
LORELAI: I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm overreacting.
EMILY: Lorelai, listen to me. Now I don't say this to you very often, but on this matter I happen to agree with you one hundred percent.
LORELAI: Gee, thanks Mom.
EMILY: I know Rory's a good girl, but good girls can go bad with the wrong influences. We all know that.
LORELAI: Oh no no, I don't think Rory's actually gonna go bad.
EMILY: Don't back down Lorelai. You took a stand and you are completely in the right here. You absolutely must keep her from that boy. If you need to change her curfew, lock her up, throw away the key, whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't go astray - you do it. Her judgment cannot be trusted here. She's a young girl and knows nothing. You are her eyes and her ears and her brain for as long as it takes to make sure she doesn't make any ridiculous choices in her life.
LORELAI: Yeah. Would you excuse me for a sec?
CUT TO RICHARD'S STUDY
[Lorelai pushes open the door]
LORELAI: Hey, can I come in?
RORY: It's not my house, I can't stop you.
LORELAI: Just listen to me for one second okay? No sighing, just let me talk.
RORY: Go ahead.
LORELAI: I don't wanna lock you up and throw away the key.
RORY: Well good.
LORELAI: Your judgment means something, especially to me. I can't be your eyes and your ears and your brain.
RORY: I'm trying really hard to connect the dots here.
LORELAI: I got spooked. I know it violates the fabulous cool mom clause we're supposed to have going but I did and I'm sorry.
RORY: It's okay.
LORELAI: Now, I am concerned about Jess.
RORY: Well, you shouldn't be.
LORELAI: But I am. However, you are a smart girl, you're a good judge of character, and the fact that he seems to like you gives him a couple of brownie points. You're not a little kid. I don't actually think you ever were a little kid.
RORY: I was, for about a month.
LORELAI: If you think he's a decent guy, I have to respect your judgment.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: But I'm asking you to be careful.
RORY: I will.
LORELAI: Really careful.
RORY: I will.
LORELAI: Boy in the plastic bubble' kind of careful.
RORY: I promise.
LORELAI: And you have to cut Dean some slack. He's so crazy about you. He didn't mean anything by coming to me. He just wigged.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: So, fight over?
RORY: Fight over.
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: You still don't look okay.
LORELAI: Oh, well, my mother agreed with me tonight.
RORY: I'm so sorry.
LORELAI: Thank you, I appreciate that.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Later that night, Lorelai and Rory walk through the front door.]
LORELAI: I need a shower.
RORY: Don't be so dramatic.
LORELAI: I agree with you a hundred percent.' Ugh!
RORY: Go upstairs.
LORELAI: Find a movie, I'll be down in a minute.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: I agree with you a hundred percent.' I may have to shave my head also.
RORY: Bye.
[Rory takes the phone into her room and dials a number]
JESS: Hello?
RORY: Hi.
JESS: Hi.
RORY: What are you doing?
JESS: Nothing, you?
RORY: Nothing.
JESS: Why'd you call?
RORY: I . . um, I wanted to. . .
JESS: I'm glad you called.
RORY: Yeah?
JESS: Yeah.
RORY: Why?
JESS: Because maybe you can explain what the hell this crazy woman is talking about.
RORY: Ah, The Fountainhead.
JESS: Yes. Your fault, and you will pay.
RORY: I promise. Commit to it one more time and if it still is awful for you, I will make it up to you.
JESS: Oh yeah?
RORY: Yeah.
JESS: Okay. I'm gonna hold you to that.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x13 - A-Tisket, A-Tasket"} | foreverdreaming |
2.14 - It Should've Been Lorelai
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Lesli Linka Glatter
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the street towards Luke's]
LORELAI: But my question is, how did that happen? How was it that suddenly everyone in the world was saying music has charms to soothe the savage beast' when it was written breast.
RORY: I don't know. At some point someone misspoke and it just caught on.
LORELAI: How do things like that catch on?
RORY: Mom, please, you're driving me crazy.
LORELAI: I mean, did some guy like say it at a big rally of some sort and everyone went home and started saying it that way and then it just spread from there?
RORY: Yes, exactly.
LORELAI: Oh, now you're just trying to shut me up.
[they walk into Luke's Diner, no one's in there except Luke]
LORELAI: Oh my God.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Look.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: Empty.
LUKE: Just one of those weird lulls, happens occasionally.
LORELAI: Ugh.
RORY: Can we sit wherever we like?
LUKE: Wherever you like.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: Such luxury I never dreamed of.
RORY: Where do you wanna sit?
LORELAI: I don't know. Um, how bout this table with it's unobstructed westward view of the wide cosmopolitan expansive Klump Street?
RORY: Tempting. Do you know that on a clear day you can see all the way to the garbage cans behind Al's Pancake World?
LORELAI: Hm. Or we could sit in the corner - you know, the Mafia table so that no one can come up behind you and whack you with a cannoli.
RORY: Whack you with a cannoli? Oh, because he left the g*n and took the cannoli.
LORELAI: You're so my daughter.
LUKE: Aye aye aye.
LORELAI: Hey, let's sit at the counter.
RORY: Nah, the counter, those are not the power seats.
LORELAI: Yes, but with no one here we can sit at either end and play bagel hockey.
RORY: Ooh, bagel hockey! Oh boy!
LUKE: Just sit at a table.
LORELAI: Oh, you're awfully rude for a guy who only has two paying customers.
RORY: Okay, 3:30 on Friday - my debate at Chilton. Write it down.
LORELAI: Already written.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: Are you prepared?
RORY: Please. Paris has us beyond prepared. I now know more about doctor assisted su1c1de then I ever cared to.
LORELAI: Cheery topic
[phone rings]
LUKE: Luke's. Uh huh. Hold on a second. [to Rory] It's for you.
RORY: What?
LUKE: Yup.
RORY: But who knows we're here?
LORELAI: This whole morning has been a little Twilight Zone-y.
LUKE: Or Outer Limits-y.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Great show, just as eerie, same era, but no one ever references it.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak geek.
LUKE: Yup, stepped right in it.
RORY: Hello?
LANE: Rory?
RORY: Lane. How did you know I was here?
LANE: Telescope. I got a clean sh*t at Luke's. I saw you and your mom go in.
[Rory walks over to the window, stretching the phone cord across the diner]
LUKE: Hey, watch it.
LORELAI: Yeah, duck Harvey.
RORY: So I guess you're still grounded over that whole Henry thing, huh?
LANE: Are you kidding? It's the mother of all groundings. My mom's done everything but slap a Dr. Dre ankle bracelet on me. I'm not even going to school.
RORY: Isn't it illegal to keep a kid out of school?
LANE: Well, she talked all my teachers into allowing me to be home-schooled for two weeks. I believe the words highly contagious' were batted about. I only get five minutes a day of outside phone time but unlimited time to call the Psalm a Day line. A big ripoff, by the way, because psalm 79 has been on there for three straight days. That's not in keeping with what their name clearly implies, which is a new psalm per day, every day. Not the same tired one from the previous two days.
RORY: I've never heard anyone get so riled up about psalms before.
LANE: My world has become very small. Okay, I'm dying for news. Give me some headlines.
RORY: Oh, well, I've got a debate coming up. And, um, Dean's been working extra hours lately saving up for a new motorcycle, so I hardly see him. Mom and I haven't done laundry in three weeks, but I have taken to jumping into the gigantic pile of dirty clothes while we play our Reader's Digest World's Famous Polka CD that we got used for ninety-nine cents. Sorry if that's all boring.
LANE: Are you kidding? It's the most stimulation I've got in a week.
MRS. KIM: Lane, come down for your snack!
LANE: It's tea and melba toast time, gotta go. Don't forget me in my solitude.
RORY: Never.
LANE: Bye. [hangs up]
RORY: Think fast.
[Rory tosses the phone to Luke, who catches it cleanly]
LORELAI: Whoa, impressive. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Goalie for the bagel hockey team?
RORY: And bump Schmitty?
LORELAI: Schmitty's over the hill, he's washed up, put him in Cooperstown. Suit up kid!
LUKE: Call me if anyone sane walks in.
[opening credits]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the living room couch watching TV]
RORY: There's nothing on.
LORELAI: There's always something on. Uh! Struck gold!
RORY: Not Two Fat Ladies again.
LORELAI: Why not? They're brilliant.
RORY: Because it's a cooking show and you don't cook.
LORELAI: That might change.
RORY: Not a chance.
LORELAI: Probably not.
RORY: Plus, we've seen all of them like five times. They're all repeats.
LORELAI: Yeah, sadly because one of the fat ladies met her maker.
RORY: Really? Which one?
LORELAI: The fat one.
RORY: Come on, which one? The one on the motorcycle or the one in the sidecar?
LORELAI: See, it's fun just talking about the Two Fat Ladies.
[doorbell rings]
RORY: Can't we find some other really fat people to watch?
LORELAI: Wow, that sounded really insensitive.
[Rory answers the door]
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: Can I come in?
RORY: I guess. So?
PARIS: You couldn't possibly be wondering what I'm doing here.
RORY: I couldn't?
PARIS: The debate's Friday and we need more preparation.
RORY: More preparation? Paris -- no two people know more about assisted su1c1de than the two of us. Kevorkian called today for a couple of tips.
PARIS: I know we know the material but there's issues of presentation that need to be addressed.
RORY: Presentation?
PARIS: I was listening to the CD I b*rned of the cassettes I made of our mock debates against the make-believe team and I realized that you were not talking fast enough.
RORY: What?
PARIS: You're only doing 135 wpm.
RORY: Wpm?
PARIS: Words per minute.
RORY: Of course.
PARIS: That's slow.
RORY: That's not slow.
PARIS: It's Jimmy Bob slow.
RORY: I talk normally.
PARIS: For the average Willie Nelson roadie, yes, but not for a winning debate team member. As a comparison, I speak an average of 178 wpm.
RORY: Okay, word speed isn't everything. Sometimes I will add a dramatic pause to prove a point, undercutting my wpm.
PARIS: Let's not harbor any Pinteresque fantasies here, Rory. We'll have scant minutes to make our arguments and we have to maximize our collective wpm.
RORY: Okay, okay. Let's just get going.
LORELAI: Hey Paris. Were we expecting you?
PARIS: You should've been. I'm going to get set up. [walks to Rory's room]
RORY: We're going to my room to work on my wpm.
LORELAI: Do I wanna know?
RORY: No.
[Rory walks towards her room as the phone rings]
LORELAI: I'll get it! Hello?
CHRISTOPHER: Hey Lor, it's Chris.
LORELAI: Hey you, how's it going?
CHRISTOPHER: Good, good. I'm on a little business trip here and I thought I'd call and check in on Rory.
LORELAI: Oh, she went to some biker party a few days ago and never came back.
CHRISTOPHER: Again?
LORELAI: Yeah, we gotta start disciplining that girl.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey, who's got the time?
LORELAI: Actually, she's right here. I'll pass you to her. So where'd this business trip take you?
CHRISTOPHER: Your neck of the woods, actually. I'm in the Litchfield area.
LORELAI: Really? How long?
CHRISTOPHER: I don't know, a couple of days, or for as long as it takes for them to succumb to my infinite charms.
LORELAI: Well, if you're still here on Friday, you should come on down and see Rory in a debate at Chilton.
CHRISTOPHER: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah. It starts at 3:30 and it's first come, first serve. They're expecting like 20,000 people so I'd get there early.
CHRISTOPHER: Wow, Chilton up close, huh?
LORELAI: Yeah, it's your chance to see the famous Paris in action. There might even be casualties.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, tell Rory I'll be there.
LORELAI: Really?
CHRISTOPHER: Why not?
LORELAI: Aw, she'll be excited. Here, tell her yourself.
CHRISTOPHER: Pass me on.
[Lorelai stands at the doorway to Rory's bedroom]
PARIS: Dairy's bad too because of the mucous. You haven't had any dairy in the last forty-eight hours, have you?
RORY: In my cereal this morning.
PARIS: Geez! Okay, well there's a solution of salt water and vinegar that can help cut that.
LORELAI: Girls, I'm sorry to interrupt vinegar hour, but it's your dad.
RORY: [takes phone and walks away] Dad, hi.
PARIS: Did you give her the cereal?
LORELAI: Um, I'd rather not say.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[In the center of town, Rory walks down the sidewalk as a pay phone rings. She answers it]
RORY: Hello?
LANE: It's me.
RORY: Lane, this is flat out stalking.
LANE: Look, I don't have much time. I've already used up my five minutes of phone time so this is totally illicit, but I have to talk to you. There's a new Belle and Sebastian single coming out today.
RORY: I know.
LANE: I have to have it.
RORY: Okay, well -.
LANE: No, I mean I have to have it.
RORY: I don't know if I have time to pick it up.
LANE: What? Rory, do you wanna hear how I used up my five minutes of phone time today? Talking to Amazon.com trying to get them to overnight it to me in a plain package with a return address referencing something Korean and religious.
RORY: They wouldn't do it, huh?
LANE: I think they notified the government.
RORY: Can't you just wait for your grounding to be over?
LANE: Hey, I am a fanatic audiophile. That comes with responsibilities that a grounding doesn't alter. Now, I have to have this single and you have to figure out how to get it to me.
RORY: Okay, okay, I'll do my best.
LANE: Thank you, I have to go. Oh, and hey.
RORY: What?
LANE: You've got something in your teeth.
RORY: Stop that.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Before the debate starts, Lorelai and Sookie enter the auditorium looking for Rory]
LORELAI: Hey, there you are. Where were you?
RORY: Oh, hi.
LORELAI: I thought we were gonna meet by the vending machines for a little, uh, pre-debate nondairy snack.
RORY: Yeah, sorry, Paris wanted to do a sound check and she found some problems with the acoustics in the room.
PARIS: It's the layout on this row of seats that's causing a bass problem. We've got to move this whole row over a foot. Esta! Just move these people out. Mueva esta gente, mueva, mueva!
RORY: Better find a seat before she moves them all.
LORELAI: Have fun.
RORY: Thanks. I'm glad you came.
SOOKIE: No you're not!
RORY: What?
SOOKIE: I'm just getting you in the mood.
[Rory walks away as Lorelai and Sookie sit down]
LORELAI: So do you see Christopher anywhere?
SOOKIE: [looks around] Uh, well, no, no, no. Hey, what does he look like?
LORELAI: If you don't know, why are you looking?
SOOKIE: I'm looking for a guy that looks like a guy that you could be with, only I'm deducting seventeen years off his age and I'm adding an all-boys private school uniform and a Yankees cap.
LORELAI: And does your head hurt?
SOOKIE: Yeah.
MRS. O'MALLEY: If everybody could please take their seats, we'll begin. That includes all the members of the debate team.
[Rory takes her seat on stage. She sees Brad sitting across from her]
RORY: Brad, hi.
BRAD: Hi Rory. I didn't think you'd remember me.
RORY: Oh, of course I do. How's the new school?
BRAD: I love it. It's way more mellow there and I made a ton of new friends.
RORY: Good for you.
PARIS: Well, Brad.
BRAD: Paris.
PARIS: Guess we're going mono a mono today, huh?
BRAD: Oh God.
MRS. O'MALLEY: All right, the topic for today's debate is doctor-assisted su1c1de.
SOOKIE: That's pleasant.
MRS: O'MALLEY: Let me introduce the debaters. On the Hillside Academy team, we have Brad Lankford and Nancy Waterford.
NANCY: You look sick.
BRAD: I feel sick.
MRS. O'MALLEY: And on the Chilton team, we have Rory Gilmore and Paris Gellar.
[Sookie and Lorelai cheer loudly]
LORELAI: Oww!
SOOKIE: Whoo!
LORELAI: Oww!
[Everyone else is silent]
SOOKIE: Were we not supposed to do that?
LORELAI: Maybe no one noticed.
MRS. O'MALLEY: Each team will have three minutes for their openings, three minutes for rebuttals, and two minutes for their conclusions. They will be judged on the basis of content, strategy, and style. I will be the judge, along with Mrs. Gladstone.
PARIS: Mrs. O'Malley is impregnable but yesterday I complemented Mrs. Gladstone's dumpy outfit and bought her an ice cream sandwich and she practically licked my hand in gratitude.
RORY: Nice going.
MRS. O'MALLEY: We choose which team will take the pro or con side with the toss of a coin. A member of Hillside will make the call.
BRAD: Heads. No, tails, I mean tails!
MRS. O'MALLEY: Uh, it's heads. Chilton will pick pro or con.
PARIS: Pro assisted su1c1de.
BRAD: What a shock.
MRS. O'MALLEY: All right. Whenever you're ready, you may commence.
PARIS: Thank you. [to Rory] Keep it snappy.
[Rory walks to the podium]
RORY: There are many vantage points from which to consider doctor assisted su1c1de. Serious consideration draws from ethics, law, medical practices, philosophy, psychology, public policy and religion, all topics I plan to explore in the next two minutes and forty-six seconds.
LORELAI: Geez, look at that kid, he's shaking.
SOOKIE: Ooh, and pale.
LORELAI: He looks all white and tiny.
RORY: ... provides either information or the actual means, such as medication or other supplies to a person who wishes to terminate his or her own life. The patient must then initiate the process. The goal is euthanasia, a term with its roots in ancient Greek. . .
[As Rory speaks in the background, Lorelai turns around and sees Christopher in the hallway. A few seconds later, Sherry joins him.]
CUT TO LATER IN THE DEBATE
PARIS: And referencing their last point, which erroneously cited South Carolina as a state that has neither a statute nor common law which prohibits assisted su1c1de when we know that North Carolina is the proper citation, their subsequent argument falls short of even a level of speciousness due to the fact that it doesn't even have a ring of factual truth, let alone a substance. And after all, the absence of prohibition against assisted su1c1de is a far cry from a statute that actually legitimizes the practice, a state of affairs that exists only in Oregon, sadly enough, under the 1977 Death Without Dignity Act.
[While Paris is speaking, Sookie tries to subtly look at Sherry, who's sitting towards the back of the audience]
LORELAI: Hey, circus lady, what's with the contortions?
SOOKIE: I'm trying to sneak a peak at the girl Christopher's with.
LORELAI: But you see, the entire concept behind the word sneak is not having people notice you, and what you're doing is shouting notice me.'
SOOKIE: Tell me you're not curious.
LORELAI: I'm not curious.
SOOKIE: You are too.
LORELAI: We'll meet her in a matter of minutes. Now, come on, watch the tiny shaking boy get shorter.
MRS. O'MALLEY: Two minutes for conclusion.
[Lorelai purposely drops her tissue.]
LORELAI: Ooh. [She leans over to pick it up while glancing back at Sherry]
SOOKIE: You sneak a little peak?
LORELAI: Shh.
PARIS: Professor Bomar of Willamette University of Law has prepared a lengthy summary that I'd like to use in my remaining time.
MRS. O'MALLEY: Time.
PARIS: What?
MRS. O'MALLEY: That's it, time's up.
PARIS: Oh, but if I could just have a few seconds to rebut their charge of the cruelty of the act.
BRAD: We take it back!
PARIS: You can't take it back, it's a debate.
MRS. O'MALLEY: Okay, that's enough cruelty for one day, Paris. Your team has won. Congratulations.
PARIS: Really? Thank you. Thank you very much. [walks over to opposing team] You put up a good fight. Better luck next time.
RORY: You okay?
BRAD: I'm sweating. I'm completely soaked through. And I think I'm catching a cold.
RORY: Do you need a hug? Or a towel?
BRAD: No, thanks. I think I'm just gonna sit here quietly.
[cut to Lorelai and Sookie standing near the doorway]
SOOKIE: Uh! There they are.
LORELAI: I see them. What do you think?
SOOKIE: She's got good hair.
LORELAI: Yeah.
SOOKIE: Plus she's been sitting for an hour and her dress is perfect. Not a wrinkle? How does she do that?
LORELAI: She must be a witch.
SOOKIE: And she's doing that no-hose thing.
LORELAI: Yeah. She's a chic, good hair, wrinkle-free, no-hose-wearing witch.
SOOKIE: You ready?
LORELAI: Yeah.
[they walk towards Christopher and Sherry]
LORELAI: Hi there, you two.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey Lorelai. You guys get to meet at last. This is. . .
LORELAI: Sherry.
SHERRY: Nice to finally meet you.
LORELAI: Yeah, I recognized you from your Christmas card.
CHRISTOPHER: Which I'm sure you mocked mercilessly.
LORELAI: Did not. Others, yes, but not yours. You guys were cute, and the puppy was cute. [Sookie clears her throat] Hey, this is Sookie.
SHERRY: Nice to meet you.
SOOKIE: Nice to meet you. You have a very smooth dress.
SHERRY: Oh, well thank you. It's the fabric.
SOOKIE: The fabric. Uh huh.
LORELAI: Hm. Uh, Chris, I've told you about Sookie.
CHRISTOPHER: Yes you have, the famous Sookie.
SOOKIE: The famous Christopher.
CHRISTOPHER: I hear you're the greatest chef after Alan Ducass.
SOOKIE: After Alan Ducass? Who who said after?
RORY: Hi Dad! You came.
CHRISTOPHER: Of course I did.
RORY: Sorry, I'm still getting used to it. I'm glad.
LORELAI: Honey, um, look who Dad brought.
CHRISTOPHER: This is Sherry. Sherry, this is Rory.
SHERRY: Oh, finally, finally, finally. I am so beyond thrilled, I can't tell you. All he does is talk about you. I couldn't wait to meet this amazing person.
LORELAI: Well, she lives up to the hype, let me tell ya.
RORY: Is my face turning red?
LORELAI: Oh yeah, beet red.
SHERRY: Oh, I'm sorry. I put you on the spot. I've just been really looking forward to this.
RORY: No, no, it's okay.
LORELAI: Um, will you excuse us for a minute? Rory just wanted to show me something around the corner here and we'll be right back.
CHRISTOPHER: So Rory was great, huh?
SOOKIE: Brilliant. So, who said I was after Alan Ducass?
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the hall and into the auditorium]
RORY: He brought Sherry.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: This is a little. . .
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: Did you talk to her? Is she nice?
LORELAI: She's a witch.
RORY: Oh, good.
LORELAI: So, what do we do?
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: Come on, come on, come on. We gotta put on our hostessing hats and set a game plan here.
RORY: Oh yeah, I guess it would be impolite if we didn't ask them to hang out with us.
LORELAI: So what do we do? h*t the vending machines?
RORY: Invite them to Luke's?
LORELAI: Does she look like a diner chick to you?
RORY: Probably not.
LORELAI: I wish he had told me she was with him.
RORY: Where else can we invite them?
LORELAI: Al's Pancake World.
RORY: No, it's Friday. He does his prefix menu on Fridays.
LORELAI: Ugh. Well, there's always our house.
RORY: It's a mess.
LORELAI: Might be the safest?
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Why didn't he mention that she was with him?
RORY: I don't know.
[they walk back towards them]
CHRISTOPHER: It's really just more of an impression than something I probably actually heard.
SOOKIE: But maybe someone implied that I was after him?
LORELAI: Oh, Sookie?
SOOKIE: Yeah?
LORELAI: You know what, you are the greatest chef in the world, bar none.
SOOKIE: Uh, thanks.
LORELAI: So, um, are you guys doing anything now?
CHRISTOPHER: Not really.
SHERRY: No, we're pretty free for the rest of the day.
LORELAI: Well, why don't you come back and see our place?
SHERRY: Oh, that would be great.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, Sherry would love that. Thanks Lor.
SHERRY: I was hoping we'd get a chance to see where Rory lives and her room.
RORY: Oh, my room's really no big deal.
SHERRY: Oh, and the books. I've heard all about the books. I can't wait to see the books.
LORELAI: Well, let's go and see the books.
[They start walking down the hall as Paris walks over]
PARIS: Rory! So, great job. We pretty much wiped the floor with them.
RORY: Yeah, we turned them into cleaning products, definitely.
PARIS: Listen, the verbatim transcripts of the debate will be ready in about a half hour. I thought we could wait for them and sit and talk about what we did right, what we did wrong, compare wpm's.
RORY: Well, I'm actually heading with my group back to our house, so I really can't.
PARIS: Oh. Okay, whatever. If you don't want to celebrate with me, that's just fine.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory rush through the front door]
LORELAI: You get the living room, I'll get the kitchen!
RORY: What about the upstairs?
LORELAI: I'll body block the fool who tries to go upstairs.
RORY: Company is stressful.
LORELAI: Ugh, don't forget about your room!
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Your room! She wants to see the books!
RORY: Well, I'll h*t it next.
LORELAI: Ugh, they're probably gonna want something to eat and drink.
RORY: Well, company usually does.
LORELAI: We have nothing.
RORY: We must have something.
LORELAI: Not unless Divine Providence has placed a miracle brie and cr*cker plate in the fridge.
RORY: We have leftover Halloween candy.
LORELAI: Aw, waste that on company?
RORY: Well, having company is about making sacrifices.
LORELAI: Martha Stewart?
RORY: I paraphrased Proust.
LORELAI: I should've known. Fine. Presentation is everything.
CHRISTOPHER: [calls from front door] Hello?
RORY: Hi Dad!
CHRISTOPHER: You guys need some more time to clean up?
LORELAI: He knows us too well.
RORY: Come on in. How'd you know we were cleaning?
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, well, when you cut us off in the parking lot and sped off doing sixty, I figured you were trying to b*at us home for a reason.
SHERRY: I hope we're not completely ruining your day.
LORELAI: Oh no, we love company. Please come in.
SHERRY: Your house is great.
LORELAI: Thanks, we like it. Have a seat.
[they all sit down in the living room]
SHERRY: Rory, you were wonderful in the debate today.
RORY: Thanks.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, that Paris was a little intense.
LORELAI: Ha, a little? The opposing team could bring her up on w*r crimes.
RORY: Yeah, her approach will come in handy when she becomes a CEO or a dictator of a country or something.
SHERRY: Mm hmm. Well, you were very poised up there, very sure of yourself, just like your dad.
CHRISTOPHER: And your mom.
LORELAI: Aw shucks, Pa.
SHERRY: And your uniform is darling, really. I love the blue. Of course, I'm sure you look good in anything.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, you should see her in chaps.
SHERRY: Really?
RORY: No, that was just my mom being funny.
SHERRY: Oh.
LORELAI: Yeah, it comes and goes. You'll learn to notice the signs.
CHRISTOPHER: The waves get really still, the animals start to act funny.
SHERRY: You know, I went to private school too.
RORY: Really?
SHERRY: Except that our colors were white and bright red. I looked hideous.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, she's being self-deprecating. You looked cute in that outfit.
SHERRY: No no, I looked like a peppermint stick. I swear, that's where my addiction to clothes comes from. Trying to make up for all the years of having to wear the same thing everyday.
RORY: Yeah, I can understand that.
SHERRY: Well, we should go shopping sometime for clothes or whatever.
RORY: Yeah, we could do that.
SHERRY: Soon, okay?
RORY: Sure.
LORELAI: Hey, drinks. Who wants something to drink? I've got water, soda. . .
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, just water for me
SHERRY: Me too.
LORELAI: Oh, making it easy, I love it.
SHERRY: I'll help you.
LORELAI: Oh, no, uh, well, okay. Sherry, you don't have to help me.
SHERRY: No, I want to.
LORELAI: Great.
[Lorelai and Sherry walk into the kitchen]
LORELAI: So, uh, do you want flat water or sparkling? I hope it's flat because I don't have sparkling. Or flat. Or ice cubes. I have cups, I think.
SHERRY: It's a little awkward, isn't it?
LORELAI: What?
SHERRY: Us, you and me, our being here.
LORELAI: Aw, no, not really.
SHERRY: But kind of, right?
LORELAI: Well, we're just not used to having company.
SHERRY: I mean, you and Christopher were so close. I know it was years ago but these things are never simple.
LORELAI: Well, just in general, things like this are always awkward slightly, but only slightly. [opens fridge] Agh, look. Apple juice - with a perfectly respectable expiration date.
SHERRY: Look, I just want you to know that you should not feel like you need to get to know me.
LORELAI: Oh.
SHERRY: At all.
LORELAI: Okay.
SHERRY: I mean, just because Christopher and I are close doesn't mean that we need to be close, or friends or anything for that matter.
LORELAI: No, I guess not.
SHERRY: I mean, except for our unexpected visit, we may never have even met.
LORELAI: I think we probably would've met eventually.
SHERRY: Perhaps, at some function or other.
LORELAI: Yeah - you, me, Martin Sheen all chained to the same tree.
SHERRY: But I do desperately wanna get to know Rory.
LORELAI: Well sure, she's a great kid.
SHERRY: And that's okay with you?
LORELAI: Yeah, that's fine.
SHERRY: Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. Because things are kind of speeding up between me and Christopher and
LORELAI: Really?
SHERRY: Rory is so important to him.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, she is.
SHERRY: And he told me about how he wasn't really a presence in her life for years and how he'd like to make up for all that time that he wasted.
LORELAI: Well, he's been doing really well lately.
SHERRY: I know. He is obsessive about his call dates to her. I mean, it doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing, he's gotta call Rory Wednesday nights at seven o'clock. I like that about him.
LORELAI: Yeah, me too.
SHERRY: And he really wants me to bond with her too. It's important with everything we have coming.
LORELAI: I totally understand.
SHERRY: Good, I'm glad.
LORELAI: Yeah.
SHERRY: So what are the chances of Rory and I getting together on this trip?
LORELAI: This trip?
SHERRY: How about tonight?
LORELAI: Tonight?
SHERRY: Rory seemed up for it.
LORELAI: Tonight huh? Well, uh, it's kind of last minute and we're supposed to go somewhere.
SHERRY: The Friday night dinner with your parents.
LORELAI: You know about those?
SHERRY: All about them, but Christopher said that you can get her out of them if there's a pressing need.
LORELAI: Well, that's true to a certain extent but - .
SHERRY: Well this is pressing. I am so forcing myself here it's embarrassing, but that's how important it is. I mean, who knows when this opportunity's gonna present itself again, right?
LORELAI: Right.
SHERRY: So?
LORELAI: Well, um, sure. You'll have to ask Rory but if it's okay with her, it's okay with me.
SHERRY: You know, you're as great as Christopher said you were.
LORELAI: Well, he's an excellent judge of character.
SHERRY: Okay, I'll see you back out there? Okay.
[Sherry brings two of the glasses into the living room]
CHRISTOPHER: Everything okay?
SHERRY: Yup, she found apple juice.
[phone rings]
LORELAI: [from kitchen] Hey Rory, can you get that!
RORY: Let the machine pick it up.
LORELAI: No, it could be important.
RORY: Okay. [answers phone] Hello?
LORELAI: Hi, it's me.
RORY: Oh, hi.
LORELAI: I'm still in the kitchen. Um, listen, I just wanted to tell you that Sherry just asked me if she could go out with you tonight just the two of you, and she sort of trapped me into saying that I could get you out of the Friday night dinner, which she knew all about. But I told her she had to run it past you first, so I can still get you out of it. Although, it might be a good idea to get a Sherry night out of the way because it seems kind of inevitable. So if you're okay going with her, just say, um, Sorry Leonard, we've got company, I have to call you back.'
RORY: Sorry Leonard, we've got company, I'll have to call you back.
LORELAI: Oh, okay. Bye. [walks into the living room] Okay, here's your drink. Who was that?
RORY: Um, that was Leonard.
LORELAI: Oh, did you tell him we have company?
RORY: Yeah.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, who's Leonard?
RORY: Oh, just a friend.
CHRISTOPHER: A friend of yours or a friend of Lorelai's?
LORELAI: A mutual friend.
RORY: Yeah, it's pretty much equal.
CHRISTOPHER: A mutual Leonard?
LORELAI: Yeah, we're constantly fighting over him.
SHERRY: Rory, can I run something by you?
RORY: Oh sure.
SHERRY: Your dad and I are around for another night, and he's totally sick of me.
CHRISTOPHER: Not true.
SHERRY: Anyhow, I was wondering if you wanted to do something with me tonight, just the two of us.
RORY: Oh, sure, that would be nice.
SHERRY: Really?
RORY: Yeah. I mean, um, if it's okay with my mom because we do have a Grandma/Grandpa dinner tonight.
LORELAI: It's fine by me.
SHERRY: Great. Oh, of course this does leave you a sad little orphan.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, that's okay. I'll have one of my patented White Castle bachelor dinners.
LORELAI: Or you can come with me tonight. Uh, if you want.
CHRISTOPHER: To your parents?
LORELAI: Yeah, cause with Rory not there I might need a hostage.
SHERRY: Oh, yes, do it.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, it's good grub. You sure they won't be mad?
LORELAI: Hi, they like you.
CHRISTOPHER: True.
SHERRY: Great. Well, we should go get cleaned up for tonight then. Thanks for having us over like this.
LORELAI: Any time.
SHERRY: So we'll swing by around six?
RORY: Oh, sounds good.
SHERRY: Okay.
CHRISTOPHER: Bye sweetie.
RORY: Bye Dad.
CHRISTOPHER: Bye Leonard.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Later that night, Rory is in the living room as Lorelai walks down the stairs]
LORELAI: Honey, hurry, they said six.
RORY: Yeah but it's six Dad time so it's more like six-thirty.
LORELAI: But Dad time is now linked to Sherry time and that Sherry seems awfully punctual.
RORY: That is so annoying.
[phone rings]
LORELAI: We have to learn to live with each other's deficiencies.
RORY: I'll get it.
LORELAI: Oh, if it's Leonard, tell him I'll call him back.
RORY: He's so needy. [answers phone] Hello?
LANE: Humongous snag in the CD drop plan.
RORY: What happened?
LANE: Bible class has been moved an hour later, all to accommodate the reverend's handball schedule.
RORY: The reverend plays handball?
LANE: I'm just as appalled. So it's at ten instead of nine.
RORY: Okay, I'll make the necessary adjustments.
LANE: Thank you, thank you, thank you. So, anything new?
RORY: My dad brought his girlfriend to my debate.
LANE: The potential stepmom? Oh my God. Tell me what she's like, what'd she say and tell me in like eleven seconds cause it's all the phone time I have left.
RORY: That's too much pressure!
LANE: Well, then write a long descriptive letter about it all and slip it into the CD booklet. Oh, and try to include a candid Polaroid of her if you can.
RORY: I'll try.
LANE: Gotta go.
RORY: Bye. [hangs up]
CHRISTOPHER: Hey, can we come in?
LORELAI: Yeah, come on in. Hey.
SHERRY: You look great.
LORELAI: Oh, thanks, you too.
SHERRY: Hi there, you ready to go?
RORY: All set.
SHERRY: Okay, so we won't be too late, probably around ten.
LORELAI: Okay, well, if you wanna grab a drink after the movie, Rory's got the list of places that serve minors.
RORY: Nah, I got a flask in my purse.
LORELAI: Ooh.
SHERRY: Okay, I'm gonna have to drink a lot of coffee to keep up with you two.
LORELAI: Damn, our secret's been revealed.
SHERRY: Bye love.
CHRISTOPHER: Have fun
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Bye Sweets.
RORY: Bye.
[Rory and Sherry leave]
CHRISTOPHER: There they go.
LORELAI: Yeah, there they go.
CHRISTOPHER: Sherry's really excited about this. It's such a great opportunity Lor. Thanks for making it happen.
LORELAI: That's what I'm here for. Let me just get my coat and we can go.
CHRISTOPHER: Great.
LORELAI: Can I just ask you a quick question?
CHRISTOPHER: Sure, what?
LORELAI: When I invited you to Rory's debate, was Sherry with you?
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, of course. She's been with me the whole trip. Why?
LORELAI: It's just that you gave me no indication that she was with you.
CHRISTOPHER: What? I must have.
LORELAI: Nope, singular pronouns all the way.
CHRISTOPHER: I actually don't remember what I said.
LORELAI: I do. You said, I'll be there', as in just you.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, I may have said that but I wasn't making a point of saying that. It just came out that way.
LORELAI: Okay, whatever, I was just wondering.
CHRISTOPHER: It's okay that I brought Sherry along, isn't it?
LORELAI: Absolutely. It was just a surprise, that's all.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay.
LORELAI: So you weren't trying to hide the fact?
CHRISTOPHER: No. I mean, obviously you were gonna find out she was with me once we arrived.
LORELAI: Obviously.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay then.
LORELAI: Okay.
CHRISTOPHER: So what do you think of her?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know her well enough to judge.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, that's never stopped you from judging people before.
LORELAI: Hey buddy, I'm trying to grow here.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, if it helps, she was saying really nice things about you.
LORELAI: Really?
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. She said you guys had a really nice talk in the kitchen.
LORELAI: Well, if that's what she said, then I guess we did.
CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai, come on.
LORELAI: What?
CHRISTOPHER: You're being very cryptic. Did something happen between you two?
LORELAI: No, I just. . .I thought our conversation in the kitchen was a little odd.
CHRISTOPHER: And this is being less cryptic?
LORELAI: It's just that she went on and on about how we never have to be friends or get to know each other at all or try to force any kind of relationship.
CHRISTOPHER: Really? She never mentioned that part. Huh.
LORELAI: So how come she figures she never has to see me?
CHRISTOPHER: Well, I'm sure she was trying to make you feel at ease around her. Because it's true, you guys don't have to force anything.
LORELAI: Uh huh. Where'd she get this don't force it' philosophy?
CHRISTOPHER: Not from me.
LORELAI: You sure?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes, I'm sure.
LORELAI: So she just wants to get to know Rory, not me.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, I did steer her toward bonding with Rory, I'll admit that.
LORELAI: But not with me.
CHRISTOPHER: Rory's my daughter Lorelai, Sherry has to get to know her.
LORELAI: I know.
CHRISTOPHER: I wasn't purposely omitting you or telling her not to interact with you.
LORELAI: Oh good, so you're not having me k*lled or anything like that?
CHRISTOPHER: No. In fact, I was just going over my people to k*ll' list and I don't think you were on it.
LORELAI: Because by the very fact that Rory exists, I am in the picture.
CHRISTOPHER: You can back off Lorelai. You'll be in Sherry's life.
LORELAI: Good.
CHRISTOPHER: Not that you thought to do the same thing when you were in my shoes.
LORELAI: What? What are you talking about?
CHRISTOPHER: You have a fiancé, I believe.
LORELAI: Yes, Max.
CHRISTOPHER: Right, Max.
LORELAI: That was not the same thing.
CHRISTOPHER: Really? Max knew Rory, Max got close to Rory, right?
LORELAI: Yes.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, he and I never met. I didn't even know he existed until late in the game. Hell, I didn't even know you were engaged until you called me from your bachelorette party. And I wasn't invited to the wedding or did my invitation get lost in the mail?
LORELAI: Well, you've moved a lot this past year.
CHRISTOPHER: I was never part of that equation.
LORELAI: Okay, maybe. But trust me, you would've been part of the equation eventually. Really Chris, you would have.
CHRISTOPHER: Well then, trust me Lorelai, eventually you would've been part of this one.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Doorbell rings, Emily answers it.]
EMILY: Christopher!
CHRISTOPHER: Hello Emily.
EMILY: Well, this is a surprise. Where's Rory?
LORELAI: Uh, a last minute unexpected thing came up, but I brought a good substitute half her genes in a nice nifty Christopher package.
EMILY: Well, we're letting the freezing air get in. Come in, come in. Is she sick? There are terrible things making the rounds these days.
[they walk to the living room]
LORELAI: No, she's not sick. Hi Dad.
RICHARD: Hello Lorelai. Christopher, this is a surprise!
CHRISTOPHER: A nice one, I hope.
RICHARD: A very nice one.
CHRISTOPHER: How are you Richard?
RICHARD: You're looking well.
CHRISTOPHER: So are you. You playing a lot of golf lately?
RICHARD: Ah, well, more like it's playing me. Oh, let's not stand here. Come into the living room. Now, who wants a drink? Uh, martini, Manhattan, some scotch?
LORELAI: Yes please.
RICHARD: Uh, you wanna narrow that down for me?
LORELAI: Hooch is hooch Dad.
CHRISTOPHER: I'll have a Manhattan.
EMILY: Same here.
RICHARD: Right.
EMILY: So you never said where Rory is.
RICHARD: Rory's not here?
EMILY: Richard, you didn't even notice your own granddaughter isn't here?
RICHARD: Well, she's so quiet she sometimes slips in unnoticed. She should work for the CIA. Uh, one cherry good for everybody?
CHRISTOPHER: Fine with me.
EMILY: Me too.
LORELAI: Eight please. I'm peckish.
EMILY: Well, I noticed that Rory isn't here.
LORELAI: Well you've got that eagle eye, Mom.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm afraid it's my fault Emily. My girlfriend and I were passing through town and we dropped by Stars Hollow for a visit, and she and Rory are off doing something together.
EMILY: You have a girlfriend?
CHRISTOPHER: Sherry.
EMILY: And she and Rory are out together?
LORELAI: I'm sorry. I should've called, Mom.
EMILY: Well, that would've been thoughtful. I mean, we set a place for her at the table and everything.
LORELAI: Well, Chris is here so it won't go to waste.
CHRISTOPHER: Although normally I demand my own customized place setting.
EMILY: So how long have you been with this woman?
CHRISTOPHER: Eight months.
RICHARD: Mm, I bet she's pretty.
LORELAI: Yes, she's very pretty.
RICHARD: Uh, something in your eye Lorelai?
LORELAI: I got it.
EMILY: You've met this woman?
LORELAI: Yes, Mom, I met this woman today and she's very nice.
RICHARD: Uh, what does she do? Does she work?
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, she's the East Coast sales rep for Loreal Cosmetics.
RICHARD: Hm, that sounds like a lot of responsibility.
CHRISTOPHER: Keeps her busy, involves some travel.
EMILY: What are they doing?
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Rory and Christopher's friend what are they doing tonight?
LORELAI: Dinner and a movie, something like that. It's my fault that we didn't call.
RICHARD: You work has you traveling too, I hear.
CHRISTOPHER: Some.
RICHARD: Everyone thinks that traveling on business is so glamorous but what they don't realize is that the business traveler never gets to see the places he visits. My last trip to Rome, I spent the whole four days in a conference room by the airport. I might as well have been in French Lick, Indiana.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, my trips are mostly local, just me and my Volvo.
EMILY: You have a Volvo?
RICHARD: That's new, isn't it?
CHRISTOPHER: I just got it.
RICHARD: Excellent choice. It's nice and safe. That's a good family car.
LORELAI: It's also excellent for cranking Metallica.
RICHARD: Cranking Metallica?
LORELAI: Mm hmm.
RICHARD: If that's some sort of drug reference, it isn't funny.
EMILY: So you're planning on having a family?
CHRISTOPHER: What?
EMILY: With this woman?
LORELAI: Her name's Sherry, Mom, and you're really putting Chris on the spot here.
EMILY: Well, he bought a family car, it's a natural question.
LORELAI: Dad called it a family car. I'm sure there's nothing in the sales contract that says you have to have a family in order to buy the car.
CHRISTOPHER: Although I didn't read all the fine print.
EMILY: You always drove a motorcycle before, didn't you?
CHRISTOPHER: I still got it.
RICHARD: Oh, oh, a family man shouldn't drive a motorcycle. The accidents I covered for the firm involving motorcycles the worst, grisly. They use this industrial machine to scrape the victims off the road like a huge spatula.
LORELAI: Hey, mouthful of cherries here.
EMILY: So are you living together?
LORELAI: Mom, get out the interrogation lamp, why don't you.
CHRISTOPHER: It's okay. Yeah, but we're looking for something bigger in the Boston area.
RICHARD: There are a lot of nice historical places up there.
CHRISTOPHER: Something historical in our price range would be perfect.
EMILY: You know historical homes are infested with mold, don't you?
LORELAI: Mold?
EMILY: It gets inside the walls and grows out of sight and sh**t off spores that slowly k*ll you and your family.
LORELAI: You should get a show on the Home and Garden channel, Mom.
RICHARD: When did you become an expert on mold, Emily?
EMILY: It was in the New York Times Magazine. I'd hold off buying a place with this woman until you look into this.
LORELAI: Sherry, Sherry.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, it's actually gonna come down to whatever we can afford. It might just be a newly built place.
EMILY: With their shoddy craftsmanship? Oh, you don't want that.
LORELAI: What does that leave them with, Mom a teepee?
EMILY: I'm sorry. I just don't think that Rory should miss our dinners for something other than sickness or emergencies. That was the agreement.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry Emily, really.
LORELAI: Mom, Chris has apologized like a hundred times. How many more times do you wanna hear it?
CHRISTOPHER: Listen, I can call Sherry and have her and Rory come by after their movie, that way it won't be a totally Rory-less evening.
EMILY: That's not what I want.
LORELAI: Mom, we're desperately trying to work with you here.
EMILY: Working with me is one thing, patronizing me is another. Excuse me. [leaves]
CHRISTOPHER: I feel horrible.
RICHARD: Oh, don't son. That's just Emily.
LORELAI: I'll go see what I can do.
CUT TO KITCHEN
[Lorelai walks in as Emily pours herself a drink]
LORELAI: You wanna tell me what's going on here?
EMILY: How can you let that horrible woman take Rory like that?
LORELAI: Okay Mom, calm down. It's only one night.
EMILY: That's how it starts. She's just getting her claws into her.
LORELAI: Her claws?
EMILY: We'll never see Rory again if that woman has her way.
LORELAI: Mom, hold it. Rory is my daughter, you know. I have some control over this.
EMILY: She's not getting Rory on weekends, you can't let that happen.
LORELAI: What is this about Mom? Why are you so flipped out?
EMILY: Lorelai, are you blind or just that humiliated?
LORELAI: Humiliated?
EMILY: Christopher gets his life together with that woman.
LORELAI: So, that's good.
EMILY: It should've been you!
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Don't play dumb, Lorelai. You know it too, and deep down I know you're heartbroken.
LORELAI: I'm not heartbroken.
EMILY: Well, I am.
LORELAI: Huh.
EMILY: I always had the picture in my mind of the three of you together. After all these years and after all the bad things that happened, Rory with both her parents. And now that Christopher's got his life together, it's with her and not you.
LORELAI: Mom, the timing was never right for us.
EMILY: That's because you dawdled time away. You could've had that affect on him. You could've been the person to help him get his life together, but you made no effort!
LORELAI: Oh, so now this comes down to something I didn't do? Don't put that on me Mother!
EMILY: What other explanation is there? He's always been crazy about you but you've always kept him at arms length. You keep everyone at arm's length.
LORELAI: That's not true!
EMILY: It is true! Your destiny was to be with Christopher and now it's too late!
LORELAI: Then it wasn't our destiny!
EMILY: So you're saying that you don't have feelings for him Lorelai, that all of this is just fine with you?
LORELAI: That's not important.
EMILY: It's not?
LORELAI: No. What's important is that Christopher is doing well and he's happy and we should be happy for him.
EMILY: You're impossible. I need to lie down. Tell Christopher tell him whatever you like, I don't care.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks through the door]
LUKE: Hey.
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: You alone this morning?
LORELAI: No, Rory's with me. She just had to run an errand.
LUKE: Well, take whatever table you want.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: You okay?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: You don't seem your chipper self.
LORELAI: I brought some sparklers. I'll light them later and do some kicks.
LUKE: You know, if you want I can clear the counter and you can play some bagel hockey.
LORELAI: You can't play bagel hockey by yourself.
LUKE: I'll play with you. You'll have to explain the rules.
LORELAI: It's okay. I'm just trying to recover from last night. It was one of those nights where you start off stepping in quicksand and end up with a sixteen-ton anvil landing on your head.
LUKE: I've had plenty of those. I'll bring some coffee.
LORELAI: Can't hurt.
[Lorelai walks towards an empty table as Rory walks in]
RORY: You order?
LORELAI: Oh, just coffee. God, I must've been sound asleep when you got home last night.
RORY: You were snoring like a buzz saw.
LORELAI: I believe that's defined as a superfluous comment.
RORY: Yes, you were sound asleep.
LORELAI: So, I'm dying to hear about your night with Sherry. How was it? Give it to me, A to Z, beginning to end, soup to nuts.
RORY: Well, she is what she seems.
LORELAI: Details please.
RORY: She's a very cautious driver. She doesn't roll through stop signs, doesn't speed, she always signals before she turns.
LORELAI: Hm. Commendable, but not the person I want driving our getaway car.
RORY: What are we robbing?
LORELAI: Sephora. We had it all planned out.
RORY: Slipped my mind.
LORELAI: What's her music taste?
RORY: Big Bruce Springsteen fan. Seen him like twenty times.
LORELAI: Blue collar roots or is she just slumming?
RORY: Oh, her father owned a shoe store and her mom taught kindergarten.
LORELAI: Wow, you guys really got into some details.
RORY: She was definitely in bonding mode.
LORELAI: What else, what else?
RORY: She's very touchy-feely. Hand on the shoulder, lots of hugs.
LORELAI: She didn't try to get fresh, did she?
RORY: Gross!
LORELAI: Go on.
RORY: Um, she's had one prior serious relationship in her life.
LORELAI: Finally, the juicy stuff.
RORY: And it lasted eleven years.
LORELAI: Eleven years? And she never got married?
RORY: She said she never thought about it with her career and all, but now she's thinking about it more and more.
LORELAI: Tick tock, tick tock.
RORY: And the past couple of years she hasn't even dated anyone unless she thought that for sure it could be a lasting relationship, and she's got some specific goals now concerning children.
LORELAI: Oh, here we go.
RORY: She wants at least two, and before she met Dad she was seriously considering single parenthood.
LORELAI: That's wanting kids.
RORY: That's about it.
LORELAI: Yeah?
RORY: Oh, she works for Loreal.
LORELAI: Hm, I heard that.
RORY: I'm tapped. How was your night?
LORELAI: Oh, well, fine. Just took Mom a whole five minutes before she self-combusted and left the room in tears.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: She freaked out that you were with Sherry, can you believe that?
RORY: She freaked?
LORELAI: Totally. She kept calling her that woman'.
RORY: Well, what did she think, that you were gonna come home and find a rabbit boiling on the stove?
LORELAI: No, it had to do with her and Christopher and . . . anyway, eventually she came down and had a pouty dinner.
RORY: So it ended up okay?
LORELAI: For the most part.
RORY: Is she mad at me?
LORELAI: No, the angel child, never.
LUKE: Here you go. [brings their coffee]
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Thanks. So, um, I wanna ask you something.
RORY: Ask.
LORELAI: When you've thought about me and your dad what have you been thinking all these years?
RORY: Um, what do you mean?
LORELAI: I mean, did you ever picture us potentially together, like we are family' together?
RORY: Well, not really.
LORELAI: But sort of, it crossed your mind?
RORY: I feel like I'm on the Ricki Lake show.
LORELAI: Go Rory, go Rory.
RORY: Well, I'll admit that I have pictured the three of us living together at various times, but in the way that all kids picture their estranged parents living together or the way they should be together, but it's stupid.
LORELAI: It's not stupid.
RORY: Yeah, I've pictured it.
LORELAI: Hm.
RORY: But I also pictured you with Pee-Wee Herman.
LORELAI: Wow.
RORY: Yeah. We lived in his playhouse and we'd be talking to Chairy and Captain Carl would be walking by.
LORELAI: [laughs] Fun!
RORY: Yeah. Oh, and later I pictured you marrying Matthew Broderick, and we lived in New York in this great apartment in the village and we would talk about his Ferris Bueller days.
LORELAI: Just think how easy Producers tickets would be to get.
RORY: Oh, it would be fourth row center every night.
LORELAI: I'm sorry that Matthew and I couldn't work it out, honey.
RORY: I'll try to get over it.
LORELAI: So should it have been me?
RORY: Huh? Oops, sorry! Zero hour I have to go. I'll be right back. [leaves]
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory stands by the gazebo and waits for Mrs. Kim and Lane to walk out of their house. When they do, Rory nods to Kirk, who walks up to them.]
KIRK: Excuse me Mrs. Kim, I'm Kirk.
MRS. KIM: I know you're Kirk. I've known you since you were two.
KIRK: That's no guarantee that people remember me.
MRS. KIM: We're in a hurry.
KIRK: I won't take up much of your time. I was just wondering what your store hours are.
MRS. KIM: For people who come to buy things, come with cash, it's ten to six, Sunday through Friday. For people who wander around, blocking aisles, touching things with dirty hands, never buying or asking for eighty percent off, we're closed.
KIRK: I should jot this down. You said ten to six, that's ten a.m.?
MRS. KIM: Yes.
KIRK: Okay, got it, thanks for your time.
[While they're talking, a hooded jogger runs by and slips a CD into the bag Lane's carrying. Mrs. Kim and Lane walk away. The jogger, Michel, runs over to Rory at the gazebo, out of breath.]
RORY: Oh my God. Michel, are you okay?
MICHEL: I've been running around this stupid square for over an hour.
RORY: Why?
MICHEL: Why? Because the plan was to drop the CD at nine o'clock.
RORY: No, it got changed to ten. I told my mom and she said she'd pass it on. She didn't pass it on, did she?
MICHEL: Definitely not.
RORY: Oh, well the mission was a success.
MICHEL: Yes, my cardiologist will be thrilled. Ah! I've got a cramp, I've got a cramp!
RORY: Can I do anything for you?
MICHEL: Ah, get away from me evil girl!
RORY: But -.
MICHEL: Never will I do anything for you again, ever, ever, never!
RORY: Well if it makes you feel any better, you had really good form.
MICHEL: You are your mother's child.
RORY: Thank you!
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai sits at her table as Christopher and Sherry walk in]
LORELAI: Hey you guys.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey.
SHERRY: We just wanted to say a last goodbye. Rory's not here?
LORELAI: She went outside somewhere. You can probably find her.
SHERRY: Oh, okay. I think I will. We had such a great time last night. So I hear your dinner was good?
LORELAI: Uh, yeah, it was great.
SHERRY: I would love to see that house sometime, especially the portrait of Rory in the study. Any way I could get a picture?
LORELAI: I can send you one.
SHERRY: That would be great! So she's outside?
LORELAI: Somewhere.
SHERRY: I'm gonna try to corral her.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, bring her by so I can see her too.
SHERRY: Okay. Bye Lorelai. Thanks for everything.
LORELAI: Oh, you're welcome. Bye.
[Sherry walks out, Christopher sits down with Lorelai]
CHRISTOPHER: So, quaint evening of theater last night.
LORELAI: Ah yes, the Gilmore family players rival the Barrymores for their sophisticated, dramatic productions.
CHRISTOPHER: I never thought she'd freak over Rory not being there like that. I never wanted to put you in that position.
LORELAI: Oh, you couldn't have known.
CHRISTOPHER: I mean, Rory's missed the occasional dinner before.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, this was compounded by other things.
CHRISTOPHER: What other things?
LORELAI: You should know as well as I that when it comes to Emily Gilmore, it's never simple.
CHRISTOPHER: Got it. Ah, looks like they found each other. You know, Sherry had a really good time last night. I hope Rory did too.
LORELAI: Yeah, she seemed to.
CHRISTOPHER: Good, good.
LORELAI: So Chris, before you go, um, I have something I wanna say to you.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh oh.
LORELAI: It's not an uh oh.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, what?
LORELAI: Well, I, um, I kind of realized something with you and Sherry visiting and God help me, because of something my mother said to me.
CHRISTOPHER: Wow, inspiration can come from the unlikeliest sources.
LORELAI: I was just thinking, you know, all these years, no matter what my relationship status has been, whether I've been dating or hibernating or whatever, I think I've always had you in the back of my mind - you know, the prospect of us being together. But this prospect was sort of indefinitely on hold while you, you know, found yourself and, uh, got your personal life together so that you could really be there for me and especially for Rory. But you and I have been so linked in my mind that I think I have unconsciously sabotaged every decent relationship I've had, including the one with Max, because I was waiting for you, and I shouldn't have been. And now that I see that, and I see you settling down with Sherry, I think I can move beyond it.
CHRISTOPHER: Good, I'm really glad this is good for you Lorelai.
LORELAI: It is. Chris?
CHRISTOPHER: How dare you put that on me?
LORELAI: I'm just thanking you.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, don't.
LORELAI: What's wrong?
CHRISTOPHER: What's wrong? Dammit Lorelai, you're dumping fifteen years of unhappiness on me? Fifteen years of not having healthy, lasting relationships on me? You're blaming me for breaking up with Max and not marrying him? That's all my fault?
LORELAI: No, I just - .
CHRISTOPHER: I did nothing to deserve that.
LORELAI: I'm not saying that you did.
CHRISTOPHER: You're as good as saying it.
LORELAI: No, I'm not.
CHRISTOPHER: Then what did you expect to come from this divine revelation that you've been so kind to share with me? Did you want me to apologize to you for ruining your life or comfort you and say there, there, everything's gonna be all right' so you can feel okay? Forget it!
LORELAI: Chris, wait!
CHRISTOPHER: Look, if there's anything else you feel bad about in your life that you wanna dump on my doorstep, just leave a note! [leaves]
[Lorelai glances at the counter at Luke, who quickly looks down. Through the window, Christopher hugs Rory goodbye]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x14 - It Should've Been Lorelai"} | foreverdreaming |
2.15 - Lost and Found
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Gail Mancuso
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking toward Luke's]
LORELAI: It still hurts.
RORY: Do you need stitches?
LORELAI: Probably.
RORY: Well, then we should go to a doctor.
LORELAI: No, no doctors. You go into a hospital, you don't come out again.
RORY: Well said, Ida Morgenstern.
LORELAI: I'm starving. I need pancakes.
RORY: Can I just ask .
LORELAI: No.
RORY: What on earth you thought you were doing?
LORELAI: I thought I was being a self-sufficient woman.
RORY: You hate ladders, you hate heights.
LORELAI: We needed our rain gutters cleaned.
RORY: Yeah, well, hire somebody.
LORELAI: Oh, well, aren't we suddenly a Rockefeller.
RORY: Well, it's better than you k*lling yourself.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm fine. I'm just being dramatic. It's what I do.
RORY: No more ladders.
LORELAI: I promise.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: I think I have gangrene.
RORY: You do not.
LORELAI: And vertigo.
RORY: Oh boy.
LORELAI: And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other.
RORY: This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over again, isn't it?
LORELAI: Wow!
RORY: Leave your bandage alone.
LORELAI: Look, it's turning purple, but a really glowy purple. Look!
RORY: No, thanks.
LORELAI: Hm. Maybe our rain gutters are radioactive or made out of some kind of alien metal so that when I cut my hand I got infected with an extraterrestrial substance which is altering my internal makeup. Ugh, maybe I'll turn into a superhero.
RORY: Maybe.
LORELAI: Like, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and suddenly be able to shower really fast.
RORY: We'll go pick out your cape after breakfast.
CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table]
LORELAI: God, I'm starving. Must be from the loss of blood.
RORY: Yes, that must be it.
LORELAI: I'm getting pancakes with a side of pancakes. Where's Luke?
RORY: I don't know. Storage room?
LORELAI: Oh no.
RORY: Caesar's cooking.
LORELAI: Why is Caesar cooking?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: That's bad.
RORY: His pancakes stink.
LORELAI: They do stink.
RORY: Well, what do we do? Resort to doughnuts.
LORELAI: Wait here.
[Lorelai walks over to the stairway to Luke's apartment]
CUT TO UPSTAIRS
[Lorelai knocks on Luke's apartment door]
LORELAI: Hey Luke, are you in there?
LUKE: Ow!
LORELAI: Luke, are you okay?
LUKE: Stupid box! Stupid lamp!
LORELAI: Hey Luke, are you being att*cked by your possessions again?
[Luke opens the door]
LORELAI: Hi.
LUKE: Hi.
LORELAI: Whatcha doing?
LUKE: I'm looking for my supply ledger.
LORELAI: Is it going well?
LUKE: It's going fine.
LORELAI: You have a sock on your shoulder. Is it helping you look?
LUKE: What are you doing up here?
LORELAI: Rory and I are starving. We need you to cook us breakfast. [she walks into the apartment] Oh my God.
LUKE: Caesar can make you breakfast.
LORELAI: What happened to this place?
LUKE: Nothing.
LORELAI: This is what I always pictured the inside of my head to look like.
LUKE: See if you can find a brown leather ledger.
LORELAI: I've never seen so much stuff. It looks like a white trash Hearst Castle in here.
LUKE: On second thought, I'll find it myself.
LORELAI: Where'd all this come from?
LUKE: Jess. Liz shipped the rest of his stuff last week. He finally unpacked.
LORELAI: Well, he did a very nice job.
LUKE: I know it's crazy now, but I just have to get it all organized, figure out where to put everything, buy another dresser, a portable wardrobe, some storage bins.
LORELAI: Can of gasoline, box of matches.
LUKE: Did I mention that Caesar can cook you breakfast?
LORELAI: But he doesn't make the good fluffy pancakes like you do.
LUKE: Then order eggs.
LORELAI: No! See, I had a near death experience today.
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: Yes. I almost fell off the roof of my house trying to clean the rain gutters, so I have to have pancakes. Please? I'll help you shower when I become a superhero.
[Jess walks out of the bathroom]
LUKE: You've been in there for two hours.
JESS: Yeah, well my hair just ain't bouncin' and behavin' today.
LUKE: There are other people living here too, you know.
JESS: Huh, learn something new everyday. [leaves]
LORELAI: Well, his people skills are really improving.
LUKE: Go downstairs. I'll be there as soon as I can.
LORELAI: How long is that?
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: An estimate.
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: Ballpark figure.
LUKE: I - .
LORELAI: Off the top of your head.
LUKE: Will you
LORELAI: Did I mention that I almost fell off my roof today?
LUKE: I'd lie down if I could find the bed.
[Lorelai sees the supply ledger and picks it up]
LORELAI: Oh, is this what you're looking for?
LUKE: Yes, great, thank you.
LORELAI: Not unless you make me the pancakes.
LUKE: Give me the book.
LORELAI: Give me the pancake!
LUKE: Come on.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: You sure you weren't almost pushed off the roof of your house today?
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[That night, Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street]
LORELAI: Well, I think I'm finally ready to get a tattoo.
RORY: Oh please.
LORELAI: I am.
RORY: You've been saying that for the last five years.
LORELAI: I know, but I mean it this time.
RORY: Fine, what are you getting?
LORELAI: Mel Brooks.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: What do you mean, why? The Two Thousand Year Old Man, Young Frankenstein, Silent Movie you don't think Mel has earned the right to have his face on my butt?
RORY: I am so sorry, Mel.
LORELAI: Oh, he'll love it, trust me. So, rocky road hot fudge sundaes and two cans of whipped cream to go with the movies?
RORY: Trying to give Mel a bigger canvas to work with?
LORELAI: Hey, the man's a legend, he deserves the best.
[As they pass the diner, Lorelai notices Luke inside sitting at a table]
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Luke.
RORY: What's he doing?
LORELAI: I'm not sure. Hey, will you go get the ice cream and make sure they give us a ton of maraschino cherries?
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Thanks.
CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S
[Luke is sitting at a table watching a very small television set as Lorelai knocks on the door]
LORELAI: Hey
LUKE: Hey, what are you doing?
LORELAI: Oh, uh, Rory and I just h*t the video store. Now we're on our way home to eat a large amount of something you would not approve of.
LUKE: Sounds good.
LORELAI: What are you doing?
LUKE: Oh, watching TV.
LORELAI: Ah. Wow, that's cute. Is this the first time it's been away from its mother?
LUKE: It's a very good TV.
LORELAI: Hm, black and white, coat hanger antenna, really bad reception.
LUKE: It's fine.
LORELAI: Don't you have a fully grown TV upstairs?
LUKE: Yeah, well, Jess is upstairs.
LORELAI: So?
LUKE: So when Jess is upstairs, that means the stereo's blaring and the place is a mess. I just needed a little privacy.
LORELAI: So you came downstairs.
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: To sit on an uncomfortable chair in an empty diner that smells like onion rings.
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: Calgon, take me away.
LUKE: It was very peaceful until two minutes ago.
LORELAI: Hey Luke, do you ever think that, uh, maybe you should get a bigger apartment?
LUKE: I don't need a bigger apartment.
LORELAI: That place upstairs was your father's office. You turned it into an apartment. It was never meant to be lived in.
LUKE: It's fine.
LORELAI: It's too small for two people. It's too small for one person if they have any kind of life.
LUKE: We'll make due, we just need to organize.
LORELAI: No, you don't need to organize. You need to move.
LUKE: I like my apartment.
LORELAI: It's not just your apartment. Jess lives there also.
LUKE: Jess is fine.
LORELAI: Are you sure? Because he could be pinned down under a box for a year in that place and you wouldn't know it until the neighbors started to complain about the smell.
[Rory walks in]
RORY: Hey Luke.
LUKE: Rory, perfect, get her out of here. Go.
LORELAI: But, uh, okay, fine. I'm leaving. Think about what I said.
LUKE: Oh, hey, did you ever hire anybody to do that work for you?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: The rain gutters.
LORELAI: Oh, no, not yet. Are you offering?
LUKE: No, actually, I was thinking about Jess.
LORELAI: Uh, Jess?
LUKE: Yeah, he's always looking for a little extra cash. He doesn't make that much here, and, you know, I hate to think of where else he might try to get it, so
LORELAI: Huh.
LUKE: I mean, you don't have to pay him the same as would someone else, and you save a little, he keeps busy.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, maybe. Um, I actually have to check with a couple of people I'm supposed to hear from, but if they can't do it, then sure.
LUKE: Great, just let me know.
LORELAI: I will. Bye.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Rory walk out of the diner]
RORY: So who are all these people you asked to clean out our gutters?
LORELAI: Oh, well, you know.
RORY: I do?
LORELAI: Sh-yeah.
RORY: Remind me.
LORELAI: Okay, well, there's Sid.
RORY: Oh, Sid, right.
LORELAI: And then there's Lou.
RORY: Yeah, a good man, Lou.
LORELAI: Oh, and also Moose. That is, if Doris will let him out of the house again, you know, after that incident at Chicky's bachelor party.
RORY: I thought you said you were gonna give Jess a chance.
LORELAI: I am.
RORY: Then why don't you hire him?
LORELAI: I'm just not very comfortable with him, Rory.
RORY: Well, try and get comfortable.
LORELAI: Well, I don't know if I can.
RORY: But you said - .
LORELAI: I know what I said, but I can't help it.
RORY: How many times do I have to tell you .
LORELAI: That I don't know the real Jess?
RORY: You don't.
LORELAI: Well, fine, I don't know him, but I'm not too fond of his stand in.
RORY: People are different once you get to know them. If you'll remember, you weren't too fond of Luke when you first met him.
LORELAI: That's not true.
RORY: You called him Duke for two years just to make him mad.
LORELAI: And let me tell you, it worked.
RORY: But then you guys talked and eventually, time went by, and now you love him.
LORELAI: Well. . .
RORY: I'm just asking you to give Jess that same chance.
LORELAI: Rory, you like him. I don't have to like him.
RORY: Please?
LORELAI: Can I at least call him Tess for a little while?
RORY: You'll give him the job?
LORELAI: I'll give him the job.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: You're welcome. Tell me something.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Why is it so important to you that I like him?
RORY: Well, I just think that he's Luke's nephew and we like Luke and we eat at Luke's everyday, and we see Jess when we eat there everyday, and that it just might make things nicer if you liked him.
LORELAI: And that's the only reason?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: It's all about Luke and the diner?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: It has nothing to do with you?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: So you and Jess aren't friends?
RORY: Well, yeah, we're friends.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
RORY: I mean, we're not good friends but we're friends. We're friendly. But that doesn't mean that we're friends in the traditional Webster's dictionary definition of friends.
LORELAI: Right.
RORY: Friendish might be a better term.
LORELAI: Okay, friendish. Got it.
[They pass by a group of walkers that Miss Patty is instructing from a golf cart.]
MISS PATTY: And walk, and walk, and pump your arms and walk. And shoulders back, tucus in, think about that double chin and walk and walk and walk and tummies tight and walk. Match me sweetheart.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke walks in, Jess is asleep, music is blaring.]
LUKE: Jess? [Luke turns the music off] How can anyone sleep through that? It's like the Huns are attacking and you're just well, you're oblivious and that's why you can just lie there while the rest of the world is going - . [he knocks over his little television] Great! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
JESS: Whoa, geez, what the hell?
LUKE: I can't stand it, I'm going crazy. This place is awful. I can't live like this anymore.
JESS: Just relax.
LUKE: I can't relax. I can't sleep. I'm having nightmares about being chased around by boxes with arms and they tackle me and pile clothing on top of my face and secure it around my head with packing tape and I'm just lying there choking while you're sitting in the corner laughing, putting gel in your hair with a switchblade!
JESS: Should I be putting a tongue depressor in your mouth right about now?
LUKE: We're moving.
JESS: What?
LUKE: Tomorrow.
JESS: What are you talking about?
LUKE: I'm talking about you and me going out, getting a paper, and finding a new place to live.
JESS: But I .
LUKE: No buts. Ten o'clock tomorrow morning I want you up, washed, moussed, and ready to leave, end of story. Now go back to bed. What?
JESS: I need the music on to sleep.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[The next day, Luke and Jess walk out of an apartment building]
JESS: Forget it.
LUKE: Why, what was wrong with that one?
JESS: It was pink.
LUKE: We can paint it.
JESS: You mean I can paint it.
LUKE: We can paint it together.
JESS: Great, then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.
LUKE: Fine, which one do you like?
JESS: The one before.
LUKE: The one with the two fridges?
JESS: No.
LUKE: Well, the one before was the one with two fridges.
JESS: No, the one we saw before was the one with the cat.
LUKE: I hate cats.
JESS: Well, I don't think the cat came with the place.
LUKE: Yeah, but it had carpeting which means it's always gonna smell like a cat.
JESS: Clean the carpet.
LUKE: Paint the pink.
JESS: Fine, the one next to the bank.
LUKE: Too many windows.
JESS: What?
LUKE: Six windows all on one side, three o'clock in the afternoon we're sitting in an oven.
JESS: So we get curtains.
LUKE: Well, you'll have to help me put them up.
JESS: Great, then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.
LUKE: Stop saying that.
JESS: You know what, I don't care. Pick whichever one you want.
LUKE: I'm not picking by myself.
JESS: You're the one who wants to move.
LUKE: Oh, so you like living the way we do?
JESS: Fine by me.
LUKE: No space, no privacy.
JESS: I got plenty of privacy.
LUKE: Yeah, because I'm sitting downstairs in the dark watching a two-inch V.
JESS: Hey, you're the one with the problem, you make the choice.
LUKE: Jess, come on.
JESS: I have to go.
LUKE: We got three more places to look at.
JESS: I'm supposed to be at Lorelai's in twenty minutes, remember?
LUKE: Oh, yeah.
JESS: I mean, if you want me to bail on her, fine.
LUKE: Nah, you go. I'll look at the places all alone.
JESS: Great idea.
LUKE: I'll take some Polaroids and you can take a look at them later.
JESS: Take a Polaroid, paint a still picture, whatever you want.
LUKE: Jess, come on.
JESS: Hey, nobody asked me if I wanted to move to Stars Hollow, but I'm here. Pick whatever place you want and I'll be there too.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sitting on the couch as Rory walks through the front door]
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Come here, come here, come here.
RORY: I'm here, what's the matter?
LORELAI: Sit, sit, sit. Okay, that should do it.
RORY: Do what?
LORELAI: Wait.
RORY: What are we waiting for?
LORELAI: Patience, grasshopper.
RORY: Are we close?
LORELAI: Very close. Hm, getting closer.
RORY: Should I get chips?
LORELAI: Ready, and .
[They stare at a digital clock. When it changes, the clock starts making pig noises.]
RORY: The clock is grunting.
LORELAI: This, my friend, is a state of the art CD/clock radio that enables you to wake up to the barnyard animal of your choice.
RORY: That is great.
LORELAI: I have selected the perky piggies. You might choose the cheery chickens or the goofy goats.
RORY: That is closest to a farm that I ever wanna get.
LORELAI: Amen, sister friend.
[There's a knock at the front door]
RORY: I'll get it. [answers the door] Hey.
JESS: Here. [tosses her a CD]
RORY: The Shaggs?
JESS: Trust me
RORY: Okay. So you're very punctual.
JESS: Yeah, well, it was this or continue apartment hunting with Luke.
RORY: You're moving?
JESS: I don't know. Luke flipped out last night and next thing I know, he's dragging me all over town banging on pipes and measuring square footage. It's crazy.
RORY: A new place might be nice. More space, maybe you'll get your own room.
JESS: You change your hair?
RORY: What?
JESS: Your hair looks different.
RORY: So, segue's not your thing, huh?
JESS: Is it?
RORY: Well, um, no, I wear it like this a lot. Why?
JESS: Just looks different.
RORY: Oh, bad different?
LORELAI: [from living room] Hey, ducks!
RORY: We just got a new alarm clock.
JESS: Huh. Bet I know what the lead story in the Stars Hollow Gazette's gonna be tomorrow.
[Lorelai walks to the front door]
LORELAI: Hey, did you hear the ducks cause they're great. Oh Jess, you're here, terrific.
RORY: So, um, would you like to come in?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, come on in. Sorry, it's just. . .so excited about the ducks that, uh. . .do you want something to drink? You have good timing cause we shopped yesterday, and in addition to a case of Maybelline Fresh Lash Mascara, I also bought some of that new, uh, freaky Coke with the lemon in it. It's very addictive.
RORY: You can sit, you know.
JESS: No thanks.
LORELAI: So, Jess, what's new?
JESS: Not much.
RORY: Jess and Luke are looking for an apartment.
LORELAI: Oh, you guys see anything good yet?
JESS: Nope.
LORELAI: Well, you know, there's some really cool places over on Peach. Or on Plum. Hm, Orange. Basically, any of your fruit named streets are pretty nice. Okay, well, I guess you should get started. Um, there's a ladder right out front and some buckets and gloves and stuff on the porch. You need anything else, just walk against the wind.
RORY: Come on, I'll show you.
[Jess walks out the door]
LORELAI: I'm trying.
RORY: Well, keep it up.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory walks out of the house and over to Jess]
RORY: Question.
JESS: Yes?
RORY: You come over. You seem to have a very firm grasp of the English language. You put together several full sentences, even using a couple of words that contain two or more syllables, and then my mother appears and suddenly we need a thought bubble over your head to understand what you're thinking. Can you tell me why that is?
JESS: The verbal thing comes and goes.
RORY: I would really appreciate it if you would try to get along with my mom.
JESS: I took the Coke.
RORY: I know.
JESS: Personally, I think it's a little crazy to put lemon in Coke but I took it anyhow.
RORY: Stop it.
JESS: Ooh, stern face.
RORY: Look, I went out on a limb for you trying to get my mom to give you the benefit of the doubt, okay? So I don't think it would hurt you to try to be nice.
JESS: Why?
RORY: Why?
JESS: Yeah, why?
RORY: Because she's my mom and she's a friend of Luke's.
JESS: So?
RORY: What do you mean, so?
JESS: So just because she's your mom or Luke's friend doesn't mean that I automatically have to get along with her.
RORY: Jess, my mother is a great person. She's also my best friend in the world, so if you care about me at all, you will take that into consideration and you will be mildly polite to her.
JESS: What makes you think I care about you?
RORY: I don't mean care care, like care. I mean if you like me at all. . . not like like. I just meant that if. . . if you think of me remotely as the sort of person that you could occasionally stand to talk to then you will try to get along with my mom, that's all.
JESS: Okay.
RORY: Okay?
JESS: I can't guarantee that it'll work, but I'll try.
RORY: Thank you.
JESS: You're welcome. I should probably get to work.
RORY: Right. Sorry, go ahead.
CUT TO FRONT OF STARS HOLLOW LIBRARY
[Several tables and racks of books are set up for the Buy a Book Fundraiser. Dean is sitting on the steps of the library as Rory walks over with some books.]
RORY: Inherit the Wind, seventy-five cents.
DEAN: Great.
RORY: Now, here's a copy of Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet which I already have, but in hardback. This is a paperback fits perfectly in a coat pocket and it's only a dollar. I'm torn. Opinions?
DEAN: Get it.
RORY: You look bored.
DEAN: I'm fine.
RORY: You sure you don't wanna look around? They have great stuff here.
DEAN: I looked.
RORY: For five minutes.
DEAN: No, I looked for twenty minutes and then I stopped and you continued for another two hours.
RORY: It has not been that long. Oh, sorry.
DEAN: No big deal.
RORY: Let's go.
DEAN: Are you done?
RORY: Yup, I've looked enough.
DEAN: You're not done.
RORY: No, I'm fine, really. Let's go.
DEAN: Rory, stop it. You wanna keep looking, I know you.
RORY: No, I wanna hang out with you.
DEAN: Are you sure?
RORY: Yes, I'll just pay for these and then we can go.
DEAN: I thought maybe we can go see The Lord of the Rings again.
RORY: Oh, okay.
DEAN: What?
RORY: Nothing.
DEAN: Well, I thought you loved The Lord of the Rings.
RORY: I do.
DEAN: You said you wanted to see it a hundred times.
RORY: Yes, and apparently we're being very literal these days.
DEAN: Fine, we'll see something else.
RORY: Lord of the Rings is fine. Can you help me with these?
[They walk to the cash register]
KIRK: I'll give you fifty-five cents.
GYPSY: It's sixty-five.
KIRK: Fifty-five cents.
GYPSY: Kirk, it's for charity. There's no haggling.
KIRK: Oh no, there's always haggling. Sixty cents.
GYPSY: No.
KIRK: That's my final offer.
GYPSY: I'm sorry, I can't.
KIRK: Fine.
GYPSY: Kirk, come on.
KIRK: No.
GYPSY: Cough up another nickel.
KIRK: Forget it it's the principal of the thing. [walks away]
GYPSY: Wow, you made out like a bandit.
RORY: Well, you've got great stuff this year.
GYPSY: Hey, did you see the astronomy section over there?
RORY: Oh, yeah.
GYPSY: Didn't find anything?
RORY: Nope.
DEAN: Wait, I didn't see you look over there.
RORY: Well, I did.
DEAN: Go look.
RORY: I told you I'm done.
DEAN: Hey, where. . . where's your bracelet?
RORY: What?
DEAN: You're not wearing your bracelet.
RORY: Oh.
DEAN: Where is it?
RORY: I took it off.
DEAN: Why?
RORY: Well, because I got this weird rash on my wrist.
DEAN: From the bracelet?
RORY: Oh no, just a fluke thing. Actually, I think my Spanish midterm gave it to me.
DEAN: Oh.
RORY: But it's getting better it's almost gone.
DEAN: Well, good.
RORY: And as soon as it's completely gone, that bracelet goes right back on.
DEAN: So, uh, compromise.
RORY: What?
DEAN: You go look at the astronomy section, we'll go see Lord of the Rings, and on the way home we'll rent Autumn in New York and mock it for the rest of the afternoon.
RORY: With full-on impressions?
DEAN: With full-on impressions.
RORY: Deal.
DEAN: Go, I'll wait here. Smiling, not at all bored.
KIRK: Sixty-two cents.
GYPSY: Get out of here Kirk.
KIRK: Damn.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen, takes several containers of Chinese food out of the refrigerator, then walks outside.]
LORELAI: Jess? Hey, Jess!
JESS: Sorry, too loud?
LORELAI: Oh, no, it's fine. Uh, it's just. . . I got a ton of leftover Chinese food in the kitchen. I thought you might like some lunch.
JESS: No thanks.
LORELAI: Okay.
JESS: Chinese sounds great.
LORELAI: Really?
JESS: If you're sure you have enough.
LORELAI: There's plenty. Rory and I decided to take on the entire chicken column last night.
JESS: Ambitious.
LORELAI: Well, it's all out on the table, so come in when you're ready.
JESS: I'm ready now.
LORELAI: Okay, then I'll see you inside.
CUT TO KITCHEN
LORELAI: So, um, basically everything here is chicken. You've got garlic chicken, Kung Pao chicken, Szechuan Chicken, chicken in brown sauce, which looks and tastes remarkably like the Szechuan Chicken except it's got these red peppers in it and if you eat them, you die. Plate?
JESS: I thought I'd, uh. . .
LORELAI: Oh, soap's on the counter.
JESS: So when was the last time you had those gutters cleaned?
LORELAI: It's been awhile.
JESS: Yeah, I found an I like Ike' bumper sticker up there.
LORELAI: Is it really bad?
JESS: Well, it won't be by tomorrow.
LORELAI: I like hearing that.
JESS: So you guys aren't too hot on vegetables, huh?
LORELAI: What are you talking about? There's green pepper in the Kung Pao.
JESS: My mistake.
LORELAI: So, are you a healthy eater like Luke?
JESS: No. No one's a healthy eater like Luke. Yule Gibbons wasn't a healthy eater like Luke.
LORELAI: Wow, it's been ages since I've heard a good Yule Gibbons reference.
JESS: Many parts of a pine tree are edible.
LORELAI: That's right. God, I wonder what the research process was like to get that information.
JESS: I'd say fairly painful.
LORELAI: Huh. Here. So how's school?
JESS: It's still there.
LORELAI: You on any teams or anything?
JESS: No, no, no.
LORELAI: Not a jersey guy?
JESS: No, definitely not a jersey guy. Though the thought of throwing a ball at some jock's head isn't entirely unappealing. Look, I'm not really good at this small talk thing.
LORELAI: You're doing okay. Cold egg roll?
JESS: Why not? [takes a bite]
LORELAI: Bad?
JESS: Oh yeah.
[the front door slams and Rory yells from off camera]
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Here right here! What?
RORY: Mom!
[cut to front entryway; Rory is looking through all the coat pockets as Lorelai walks over]
LORELAI: What's going on?
RORY: I don't know where it is!
LORELAI: Where what is?
RORY: My bracelet it's gone.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
RORY: How could I do this? How could I lose that bracelet?
[Rory starts looking in the living room]
LORELAI: Honey, tell me which bracelet maybe I stole it from you.
RORY: Dean's bracelet.
LORELAI: The one he made you?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: It's gone?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Where?
RORY: I don't know where. If I knew where then I would have it.
LORELAI: Well, when did you first notice it was gone?
RORY: When he pointed out that I wasn't wearing it.
LORELAI: Oh, not good. What did you say?
RORY: That I had a rash and that I had to take it off until it healed.
LORELAI: Nice save, Gretzky.
RORY: It's not here, it's not here. God.
LORELAI: Okay, let's retrace your steps. When was the last time you remember wearing it?
RORY: Um, I don't know.
LORELAI: Think hard yesterday?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: The day before?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: The day before that?
RORY: Um, yeah.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: No, I don't remember. I can't remember. Help me move the couch.
LORELAI: What about your locker at school?
RORY: I don't know why it would be there, I never take it off at school. I never take it off at all.
LORELAI: Anything?
RORY: Just Grandma's pen.
LORELAI: Leave it there.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: It makes life fun
RORY: I'm gonna freak out now.
LORELAI: We'll find it.
RORY: I'm gonna have to tell Dean that I lost his bracelet.
LORELAI: Let's not even go there yet.
RORY: He made it for me.
LORELAI: He'll make you another one.
RORY: But he's gonna be mad.
LORELAI: He'll understand.
RORY: How do you know?
LORELAI: I'm looking at the track record and all signs point to he'll understand. Did you look in your room?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: All right, I'll check the car. And don't worry if worse comes to worse and we can't find it, we'll follow Dean to work, hide behind the cantaloupes, jump him, blind him and he'll never find out.
RORY: As long as we have a plan.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Michel is standing at the front desk; Lorelai is on the floor behind the desk]
MICHEL: Who is Randy Mill?
LORELAI: Ugh, let me see. Maintenance.
MICHEL: Are you going to be down there long?
LORELAI: Uh, I just wanna to make sure Rory's bracelet didn't get kicked back behind something.
MICHEL: Hmm, and so earlier when you told me to look for the bracelet and I told you I did look and I did not find it, you
LORELAI: Just decided to double check.
MICHEL: Yes, though another theory is that you did not believe me.
LORELAI: I did too.
MICHEL: No, I believe you thought I was lying. That I did not actually get down on my hands and knees in a brand new Donna Karan suit and crawl around on a floor where people who have stepped in mud and garbage and animal waste have been traipsing all day long.
LORELAI: It's not there.
MICHEL: No? Why, I'm shocked.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm sorry I doubted you, Michel.
MICHEL: Well, that means a lot, thank you.
LORELAI: We turned the house upside down. Rory's having a heart att*ck. It's just awful.
MICHEL: Yes, well, as soon as my dry cleaning bill is paid for, you will have my sympathies.
LORELAI: I will pay for your suit, Michel.
MICHEL: Mm hmm.
[phone rings]
MICHEL: Independence Inn, Michel speaking. Hold on please. [to Lorelai] It's for you.
LORELAI: Lorelai here.
LUKE: I don't want a wood-burning fireplace.
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: But if I take an apartment with a wood-burning fireplace, even though I could give a rat's ass about a wood-burning fireplace, I have to pay an extra two hundred dollars a month for the wood-burning fireplace.
LORELAI: Yeah, but - .
LUKE: And three of the places make you put down a five hundred dollar deposit if you have a dog. Can you believe this?
LORELAI: You don't have a dog.
LUKE: I know, but it's wrong.
LORELAI: Agreed. What else?
LUKE: Parking.
LORELAI: Ah.
LUKE: How can people ask you for a monthly fee for a parking space? I mean, they're making money off your rent, off your utilities, when you use their coin-operated washer and dryer that's cash directly in their pocket. And by the way, it's not even that good a parking space. It's out in the open under one of those trees that drops the sap on your car that eats away your paint.
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: Who's gonna pay for my car, huh? Where's my five hundred dollar, paint-k*lling tree sap deposit?
LORELAI: You haven't found a place yet?
LUKE: And I've been looking all day.
LORELAI: There wasn't one place you liked?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Not one place that gave you a little feeling of, Huh, well that has a nice vibe about it.'
LUKE: I don't use the word vibe.
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: Maybe one place wasn't so bad.
LORELAI: Oh good, describe it to me.
LUKE: I don't know. It had walls with a kind of a floor with a light.
LORELAI: Okay, hold on here, mister. If you tell me it's got a roof, I'm stealing that baby out from under you.
LUKE: I just can't tell anymore. I need a second opinion.
LORELAI: Do you want me to come look at your apartment?
LUKE: It's not my apartment, and yes.
LORELAI: Done.
LUKE: Now.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Please?
LORELAI: Uh, well -.
LUKE: I promised the woman I'd give her an answer today.
LORELAI: Okay, give me the address.
LUKE: Sixty-two and a half B Street. And that's another thing what's with this half business? Why do all these apartments have this half thing going? It's stupid. If sixty-two is taken, move on to sixty-three.
LORELAI: Luke, I'll meet you there in twenty and a half minutes.
LUKE: Thank you.
LORELAI: Bye. [hangs up] Michel, I have to go out for a little while. Cover the desk for me.
MICHEL: Mm hmm.
LORELAI: What?
MICHEL: Well, I mean, I'll say I'll cover the desk, but how will you know if I'm actually doing it?
LORELAI: I trust you, Michel.
MICHEL: I mean, it's just as possible I say I'll cover the desk, and the moment you've stepped away I'll put some fruit on my head and join a conga line somewhere.
LORELAI: I believe you looked for the bracelet.
MICHEL: And while I'm shaking it to the Miami Sound Machine, the phones here they would ring and ring and ring, and no one to answer, no one to assist.
LORELAI: Okay, bye Mom.
CUT TO APARTMENT BUILDING
[The real estate agent leads Luke and Lorelai through the apartment]
MARY: It's a very quiet street and the owner keeps the building up beautifully. He hasn't remodeled it at all. Plus, I bet he could be persuaded to give the floor a little spruce if you like.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, we'd like a spruce.
LUKE: A spruce is unnecessary.
LORELAI: Hey, you never turn down a spruce.
MARY: She's right listen to her.
LORELAI: Yeah, listen to me.
LUKE: You rarely give me a choice.
LORELAI: Come here so I can lick your face.
LUKE: What?
MARY: Now, I went over the square footage and the details of the lease with your husband this morning. Did he fill you in?
LUKE: What? Oh no, we're .
LORELAI: No, no, he didn't, but you know how men are. The minute that ball game comes on, all the realities of life just go right out the window.
MARY: Don't I know it.
LORELAI: I mean, I could answer the door wrapped in cellophane but unless I was wearing a Yankees cap. . .ugh, he wouldn't even notice.
LUKE: Geez.
LORELAI: Oh, don't be embarrassed Snuffy, I'm just teasing. It'd be a Mets cap.
LUKE: Hey Mary, could you possibly leave me and little missus alone for just a minute?
MARY: Why, of course.
LORELAI: I promise we won't do anything dirty.
MARY: Oh please, if my husband and I looked anything like the two of you, we'd never get dressed.
LORELAI: Oh, you are bad!
MARY: Let me just leave this rental agreement with you in case you decide to fill it out.
LUKE: Thanks.
MARY: Oh, I hope you take it. It's got a great vibe for a nice couple like you two. [leaves]
LORELAI: Oh, thirteen different shades of red!
LUKE: What is wrong with you?
LORELAI: You make it too easy.
LUKE: By standing here?
LORELAI: Oh, relax Snuffy. Let's talk. What do you think?
LUKE: She used the word vibe.
LORELAI: About the apartment.
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: Okay then, break it down. List your concerns.
LUKE: Well, it's too big.
LORELAI: It's not too big. Next.
LUKE: I don't need two bathrooms.
LORELAI: Yes, you do. Next.
LUKE: I like being on the bottom floor.
LORELAI: The top floor's quieter. Next.
LUKE: You know, somehow I think this would be easier if you just listed your concerns first.
LORELAI: Okay. Um. . .I don't have any. I think it's great.
LUKE: You do?
LORELAI: Yeah, it's light and airy. It's got good windows but not too many so that the sun bakes you in the afternoon.
LUKE: Thank you.
LORELAI: You're close to work, the price seems good, you're taking the spruce, and it's a two-year lease. What's two years?
LUKE: I don't know. I - .
LORELAI: Luke, you need to do this. You and Jess will k*ll each other if you stay in that place of yours.
LUKE: Yeah, but who knows how long he's gonna be here.
LORELAI: Why? Did something happen?
LUKE: No, but you never know.
LORELAI: No, you don't, but I think his mom sending his stuff is a pretty good sign.
LUKE: And even if he does stay, it'll be only for another year, and then he'll go off to college or Attica or whatever, and it'll just be me again.
LORELAI: Yeah, but - .
LUKE: And stuck with a new apartment, probably with neighbors I hate who are constantly cooking really strong smelling food.
LORELAI: Okay, back up here. Yes, Jess may go off somewhere someday, but that doesn't mean you will be alone forever.
LUKE: I am not getting a pet.
LORELAI: I'm talking about a lady friend.
LUKE: Oh.
LORELAI: A red-hot mama.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: A big, pretty dish of lovin' with a spoon made especially for you.
LUKE: Boy, do I not feel good now.
LORELAI: Luke, Rachel's not the only woman in the world for you. You'll meet someone, someday -- probably at a Timberland store, you'll ask her out. You'll pick her up and take her on a patented Luke Danes night of romance -- juice bar followed by the batting cages -- and then you'll ask her back to your apartment.
LUKE: Any amount of money if you stop right now.
LORELAI: You'll bring her back to your place, lead her upstairs to the apartment door. You pause, gaze into her eyes the stage is set, fate is waiting. You open the door, and she sees your teeny, tiny apartment one room and no closet space and Jess' feet sticking up in the air cause you never did get rid of that body!
LUKE: Stop, please.
LORELAI: And to make matters worse, she spots it: the single bed.
LUKE: What's wrong with a single bed?
LORELAI: You know what they say.
LUKE: No, what do they say?
LORELAI: Never, ever date a guy who owns a single bed. It means he's not open to a commitment.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It says there's no room in this life for anybody but me.
LUKE: No, it says there's no room in this bed for anyone but me.
LORELAI: Okay, see, that's not a whole lot better.
LUKE: This discussion is now over.
LORELAI: Luke, as long as you're in that apartment, you're gonna have a single bed. Don't you want the possibility of more? Come on Luke, it's time. Make a move, take a sh*t, entertain the possibility of a non-b*mb existence. What do you say?
LUKE: You got a pen? I'm not taking the spruce.
LORELAI: Yes, you are.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai arrives home and walks into the kitchen as Jess walks out of Rory's room]
LORELAI: Hey.
JESS: Hey.
LORELAI: Did you get lost?
JESS: No, I was looking at Rory's books.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
JESS: I wanted to see if she had Franny and Zooey. She does.
LORELAI: Okay.
JESS: I was gonna get it for her if she didn't.
LORELAI: That's very nice of you.
JESS: Yeah. Okay, so I should probably get back to work.
LORELAI: Mm hmm.
CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET
[Luke is shopping as Taylor walks up to him]
TAYLOR: Luke, good good goody good good. I was just on my way over to the diner to talk to you.
LUKE: Great. Go on over, I'll meet you there.
TAYLOR: Oh, stop it, this isn't about anything that's gonna make you mad. I just have a couple of questions about your application.
LUKE: What?
TAYLOR: Your application. Now I called your bank - .
LUKE: What application?
TAYLOR: Your application for the apartment. Now you have two accounts here -.
LUKE: How did you get my application?
TAYLOR: Well, Mary gave it to me, of course. Now I'm assuming that one of those accounts -.
LUKE: Why would Mary give you my application?
TAYLOR: Because I own the building.
LUKE: What? When the hell did you buy an apartment building?
TAYLOR: Well, I bought this particular one about two months ago.
LUKE: I look at a thousand apartments, I choose yours. How is that possible?
TAYLOR: Well, count yourself lucky, you. With me as the owner, there is a level of quality control that is sorely lacking in this town. For example, at all my properties, we measure the grass before, during, and after mowing to attain a perfect inch and a half height, which is both pleasing to the eye and good for the grass.
LUKE: All of your properties?
TAYLOR: Ten in all.
LUKE: Ten properties? What are you, buying up the town?
TAYLOR: Not yet, but someday who knows?
LUKE: But why isn't anyone stopping you?
TAYLOR: Because, my friend, people are lazy. They don't wanna think about the proper fabric for an awning or the correct historical color for a building. They just slap any old thing up on a wall and sleep like babies. But soon, hopefully, the city council will put an end to that.
LUKE: Taylor, you cannot tell people what color to paint their buildings!
TAYLOR: Well, someone has to.
LUKE: No, they don't. We don't live in a fascist country.
TAYLOR: Oh, this isn't about the fascists who, by the way, had their faults but their parks were spotless.
LUKE: I have to get out of here. [leaves]
TAYLOR: Hey, eh, wait a minute.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Taylor follows Luke down the sidewalk]
TAYLOR: Luke, hold it! I still need to talk to you.
LUKE: Just tear up the application, Taylor. I'm not moving.
TAYLOR: What? Why?
LUKE: Cause I'm the two-inch grass kind of guy.
TAYLOR: Well, that's too bad but I need to talk to you about something else.
LUKE: What?
TAYLOR: I'm thinking about purchasing the flower shop next to the diner, but we need to talk about that sign of yours.
LUKE: What about my sign?
TAYLOR: Well, you have a diner but you never took down the Williams' Hardware sign.
LUKE: That was my father's sign.
TAYLOR: I understand that you have a sentimental attachment to the sign, but it confuses the tourists.
LUKE: Back off the sign, Taylor.
TAYLOR: If I buy the building next to that sign, I run the risk of people being so busy trying to figure out if you sell hammers or burgers, that they never notice the nice collectible plate store right next door.
LUKE: Collectible plates?
TAYLOR: Isn't that a great idea? Elvis, The Beatles, Mary Poppins, all the greats. You can hang them on the wall or you buy a little stand and set them up on the coffee table.
LUKE: Okay, you need to get away from me now. At least a good arm swinging length away.
TAYLOR: It's people like you who keep this town from becoming one of great towns in America, Luke.
LUKE: Arm swinging length!
TAYLOR: I wouldn't have approved your application anyway.
CUT TO OUTSIDE LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Jess climbs down the ladder as Rory comes home and sits on the porch]
JESS: You look good.
RORY: I'm fine.
JESS: Talk.
RORY: I lost my bracelet.
JESS: Uh huh.
RORY: Dean gave it to me.
JESS: How thoughtful.
RORY: I've been all over town looking for it. I've been to Lane's, I've been to Luke's, I've been to the bus stop, I've been to Miss Patty's, and I've circled Stars Hollow twice and nothing. I have no idea what I'm going to do.
JESS: It's really that big a deal?
RORY: What do you mean?
JESS: I mean, I know it's got an I've been pinned' Bye, Bye, Birdie kind of implication to it, but it was just a bracelet.
RORY: I don't think Dean will see it that way.
JESS: You didn't lose it on purpose.
RORY: I know, but things have been a little weird between us lately and. . .you couldn't care less.
JESS: Oh, yes, I could.
RORY: I just think Dean will read something into this.
JESS: Should he?
RORY: No.
JESS: I think you should keep looking.
RORY: Where?
JESS: Anywhere. Things you lose are usually right in front of your face. Check the house again.
RORY: I've checked the house.
JESS: It's probably just laying in your room somewhere.
RORY: No, I tore that room apart, it's not there.
JESS: Fine, give up then. No biggie. Dean'll just have to get over it.
RORY: I'll go look again.
JESS: You do that.
CUT TO INSIDE
[Lorelai is sitting on the couch reading as Rory walks in]
LORELAI: Hey, where have you been?
RORY: Scouring the town.
LORELAI: Nothing, huh?
RORY: Not yet. I'm gonna check my room again. [goes into room]
LORELAI: Haven't you already looked in there like a thousand times.
RORY: [from bedroom] A thousand and one. Mom, come here, hurry!
LORELAI: Rory?
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Are you okay?
[cut to Rory's bedroom]
RORY: I found it!
LORELAI: What?
RORY: I looked under the bed and there it was. I thought I had already looked under the bed, but I don't know, maybe I was too panicked or. . .I don't know, who cares, I got it!
LORELAI: Aw, that is amazing!
RORY: Put it on.
LORELAI: Hmm.
RORY: Make it tight.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm cutting off circulation here, baby.
RORY: Oh, look at it. It looks even better than before, doesn't it?
LORELAI: I think the time away from home did it some good.
RORY: Okay, when I get back, we celebrate.
LORELAI: Where are you going?
RORY: To tell Lane she can stop praying.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai walks out as Jess is getting ready to leave]
LORELAI: You leaving?
JESS: Yeah, all done.
LORELAI: You weren't gonna come get your money?
JESS: Ah, I figured I'd get it eventually. It's not like I don't know where you guys live.
LORELAI: That's true. You certainly do know where we live. Well here. After all, you earned it.
JESS: Thanks.
LORELAI: You took it, didn't you?
JESS: Excuse me.
LORELAI: Rory's bracelet you had it the whole time.
JESS: No idea what you're talking about.
LORELAI: How'd you get it?
JESS: I didn't get anything.
LORELAI: What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?
JESS: Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.
LORELAI: Very funny.
JESS: Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response.
LORELAI: So it's just a great big ol' coincidence that I catch you coming out of Rory's room a half an hour before she mysteriously finds the bracelet under her bed?
JESS: Guess so.
LORELAI: Why would you do this?
JESS: I gotta go.
LORELAI: I mean, I know you hate the world, but I thought you liked Rory.
JESS: I didn't do anything.
LORELAI: Bull.
JESS: Whatever.
LORELAI: Oh, don't whatever me, you little jerk. You let Rory run around completely panicked, thinking she lost her boyfriend's bracelet. She was miserable, do you understand that?
JESS: I didn't take it.
LORELAI: I'm sure you're jealous of Dean because he's great and Rory's madly in love with him, but you taking the bracelet didn't hurt Dean, it hurt Rory. That bracelet is the most precious thing she owns. She never takes it off. It means everything to her. And you stealing it was unbelievably cruel.
JESS: The most precious thing she owns?
LORELAI: Yes.
JESS: If it's the most precious thing she owns, why did it take her two weeks to figure out it was gone, huh? You might wanna reevaluate how madly in love she is. I wouldn't start calling him son yet.
LORELAI: Get outta here.
JESS: You read my mind.
CUT TO INSIDE LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks in and sits down on the couch. There's a knock on the front door, Lorelai answers it]
LUKE: I just spent a hundred thousand dollars and it's all your fault!
LORELAI: Oh, good.
[They walk into the kitchen]
LUKE: I ran into Taylor at the market, and I found out he owns the building that apartment was in.
LORELAI: No way.
LUKE: That and several others all over town.
LORELAI: That is so weird.
LUKE: He's systematically buying up the town. He's gonna turn it into Taylorville where everyone'll wear cardigans and have the same grass height.
LORELAI: Luke, do you wanna sit down?
LUKE: And then he told me he's gonna buy the building next to the diner, turn it into a plate shop for freaks who don't have enough brain power to collect stamps. I lost it.
LORELAI: Uh, I can't picture that.
LUKE: I walked around in a blind rage. I was crazy. I bought one of those Belgian waffles with the ice cream dipped in chocolate.
LORELAI: You ate that?
LUKE: No, I didn't eat it!
LORELAI: Of course not.
LUKE: I'm upset, not suicidal.
LORELAI: Right.
LUKE: I knew I just had to do something, and I had your voice going round and round in my head.
LORELAI: Yeah, it's kinda like the Small World song.
LUKE: Take a chance, Luke. Make a move, Luke. Can't have a single bed, Luke. So I bought the building!
LORELAI: You you what?
LUKE: I went to the bank and got a cashier's check, signed the papers and I bought the building.
LORELAI: Wow
LUKE: I am the building's owner.
LORELAI: I heard.
LUKE: I own the building.
LORELAI: Okay, well, don't worry, maybe you can still get out of it. You can go back and tell them you lost your mind.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: Or I bet you can sell it to Taylor.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: So, relax, you can still get out of this.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: Unless you don't wanna get out of it.
LUKE: Oh no, I wanna get out of this. Uh, why would I not wanna get out of this?
LORELAI: Oh, well, owning that building gives you some options.
LUKE: Like?
LORELAI: Uh, like you could expand Luke's if you wanted to.
LUKE: Yah.
LORELAI: Or you could rent it to someone else.
LUKE: Yah.
LORELAI: Someone else who might drive Taylor crazy.
LUKE: Maybe I should think about this.
LORELAI: Sure, sleep on it.
LUKE: Sleep on it, right, right.
LORELAI: You want some tea?
LUKE: Tea's good, sure.
LORELAI: Hey Luke, um, does Jess ever talk to you about Rory?
LUKE: Uh, what do you mean?
LORELAI: I don't know. They just. . .they seem to be thrown together quite a lot lately and I was just trying to figure out if that's a coincidence or - .
LUKE: Or if there's something going on.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: Huh.
LUKE: Jess doesn't exactly confide in me.
LORELAI: Right.
LUKE: Of course, if there was something going on, I think that'd be really great.
LORELAI: You do?
LUKE: Yeah. Rory's a great kid, she'd be really good for Jess.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, she would.
LUKE: You really think there might be something going on?
LORELAI: I don't know
LUKE: Boy, that would be great.
LORELAI: Yeah, great.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Jess is reading and listening to music as Luke walks in and takes a sledgehammer out of the closet. He walks across the room and swings the sledgehammer through the wall, then hands it to Jess.]
LUKE: That's your room. Finish up. We'll hold hands and skip afterwards.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x15 - Lost and Found"} | foreverdreaming |
2.16 - There's the Rub
written by Sheila R. Lawrence
directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino
OPEN IN LUKE'S DINER
[Luke's apartment is under construction. Luke delivers food to some customers, a chunk of the ceiling falls onto the table.]
LUKE: Here you go. Geez, uh, sorry folks. Uh, here. . .there we go. Free coffee all around. You might wanna put your hand over that. There we go. [walks over to construction worker] Tom, what the hell is going on up there?
TOM: We're redoing your apartment. What do you think is going on up there?
LUKE: The ceiling's falling in. I've got customers eating drywall here.
TOM: Oh, well, that can't be good.
LUKE: You said minimal disruptions.
TOM: Hey, this is minimal disruptions. Look, I need you to sign this change order.
LUKE: What happened now?
TOM: Well, we broke through this wall and we found some pipes that shouldn't be there. We gotta move them.
LUKE: Move them where?
TOM: Not sure. We gotta find out what they do first.
LUKE: You're kidding?
TOM: Oh yeah. There's nothing I like more than a good moving a pipe' joke.
LUKE: Fine, one more week, that's it.
TOM: Oh, sure, construction ultimatum. Ha, that's even funnier than my moving pipe joke.
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hey.
LORELAI: Geez, look at this place.
RORY: It's a mess.
LORELAI: How long .
LUKE: Nope can't sit here.
LORELAI: Why not?
LUKE: Three people got nailed in the head here earlier.
LORELAI: But their food was okay, right?
LUKE: Will you just move? [Lorelai's cell phone rings] Outside.
LORELAI: You know, if I sit here one more second, I just might be outside. Order me some coffee.
[Lorelai walks away; Jess walks over to the table and hands Rory an open umbrella]
LUKE: Oh, you are really funny. You and Tom should put an act together. I'd leave it open.
[cut to outside]
LORELAI: Go ahead Mom, I can hear you now.
EMILY: I wanted to know if you'd like a gift certificate for a weekend at the Birch Grove Spa.
LORELAI: Are you serious?
EMILY: I bid on it at the DAR Symphony Fundraiser and I won.
LORELAI: Birch Grove? That's supposed to be an amazing place, why don't you go?
EMILY: Oh, I've never had any real desire to go to a spa.
LORELAI: Why'd you bid on it then?
EMILY: It was for charity, I had to bid on something. And I certainly didn't want another portrait of George Washington. I've got four in the attic already.
LORELAI: Well, I'd love it.
EMILY: Good.
LORELAI: Two days of total mind-numbing pampering. Massages, facials, aromatherapy.
EMILY: My goodness, you make it sound like heaven.
LORELAI: It's as close as you'll ever come to being a dog.
EMILY: I beg your pardon?
LORELAI: You know, a whole life of nothing but eating, sleeping, lying on your back and getting rubbed.
EMILY: I'd love the comparison to stop there.
LORELAI: Deal. Um, hey, when's it for?
EMILY: This weekend, actually.
LORELAI: Oh, well, I'll be there.
EMILY: So will I.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
EMILY: Well, the certificate is for two, and since you make it sound like the most wonderful place in the world, I might as well try it with you.
LORELAI: Oh, but - .
EMILY: That's all right, isn't it, if I join you? You don't mind?
LORELAI: No, I don't mind at all.
EMILY: Wonderful. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning. You know, I'm actually looking forward to this.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, me too. Thanks Mom. Buh bye.
CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S
[Rory is sitting at the table holding the umbrella over her head. Lorelai walks in and sits down]
LORELAI: I'm going to a spa with my mother.
RORY: Lean forward.
[opening credits]
CUT TO LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Lorelai is sitting on the bed as Rory walks around packing a suitcase]
LORELAI: [on phone] So, then we're all confirmed. Uh, great. Thanks so much for your help. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Yeeessss!
RORY: That was an evil yes.
LORELAI: Not an evil yes. It's a yes, I'm pretty, but hello, I'm smart' kind of a yes.
RORY: Oh, my mistake.
LORELAI: So here's the deal I go into my facial just as my mother is finishing her salt glow, which will end ten minutes after I've h*t my scalp treatment which puts me in the watsu massage pool at least six minutes into her back facial. Uh, in fact, the day is so well planned, I won't see her until dinner which will be cut tragically short by the food poisoning I plan to contract.
RORY: You are twelve and disgusting.
LORELAI: I am trapped and desperate.
RORY: You really think you can avoid Grandma the entire weekend?
LORELAI: Hey, I'm nothing if not a great organizer. Now, let's talk about what you're gonna do tonight. Throwing a party, I hope? Inviting hundreds of bikers and lowlifes who are gonna trash the place?
RORY: I am going to do laundry, watch TV, order Indian food and go to bed early.
LORELAI: And then come the bikers and lowlifes who are gonna trash the place?
RORY: I may even fall asleep on the couch with the TV on.
LORELAI: When do the bikers and lowlifes get to trash the place?
RORY: You're all packed.
LORELAI: Rory, you have to do something bad when Mommy's out of town. It's the law. You're seen Risky Business, right? Now I'm not asking for a prostitution ring, but how about a floating craps game or something?
RORY: I'll see what I can do.
LORELAI: I would greatly appreciate it.
[a car honks from outside]
RORY: I think Grandma's here.
LORELAI: What's she honking for? She hates honking. She calls it a mechanical bodily function. [looks out window] Ugh, geez.
RORY: [looks out window] Oh, cool!
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Emily is standing in front of a limousine as Rory and Lorelai walk out of the house]
EMILY: Hello, hello, hello!
LORELAI: What, are we going to the prom?
EMILY: I just thought since this weekend is all about relaxing, we should start with the ride.
RORY: This is cool, Grandma.
EMILY: Thank you, Rory. So, are we all ready to go?
LORELAI: I guess so, Miss Daisy. Bye sweets.
RORY: Bye. Bye Grandma.
EMILY: Goodbye Rory.
RORY: Have a good time.
LORELAI: Bikers and lowlifes.
RORY: I'll get right on it.
CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM
TEACHER: In general, the lab reports weren't bad but they weren't great either, which leads me to question whether everyone has the grasp of electrochemistry I prefer before we move on. To that end, I will be giving another test on Tuesday covering chapters fourteen through eighteen in your textbooks, as well as the material from lab. Now please proceed with the assignment we all started yesterday, as that too will be included on the test.
PARIS: Madeline?
MADELINE: What?
PARIS: What are you guys doing tonight?
MADELINE: It's Friday night.
PARIS: So you've got dates?
MADELINE: Well, yeah, why?
PARIS: I was kind of hoping you could study with me.
MADELINE: On a Friday night?
PARIS: Yes.
MADELINE: But we've got dates.
LOUISE: What is she saying?
MADELINE: She wants us to study with her.
LOUISE: On a Friday night?
MADELINE: Yeah.
LOUISE: But we've got dates.
PARIS: I know you have dates, I was hoping maybe you'd cancel them.
MADELINE: To study?
PARIS: Yes.
MADELINE: On a Friday night?
LOUISE: What'd she say?
MADELINE: She wants us to cancel our dates to study.
LOUISE: On a Friday night?
MADELINE: That's what she said.
LOUISE: But we have - .
PARIS: Oh my God, forget it! [walks over to Rory] So, I suppose that you have big Friday night plans also?
RORY: Well, kind of.
PARIS: So the fact that I'm seeing my entire Harvard career slip away apparently is of no interest to anyone?
RORY: What are you talking about?
PARIS: I got an A-minus, okay?
RORY: So?
PARIS: What do you mean, so? I got an A-minus. I have never gotten an A-minus. I just can't focus lately. Things are so weird at my house. My dad finally figured out exactly how much it was gonna cost him to divorce my mom, so now he's back and it's bad enough that I wasted all that time crunching the numbers with him, but now that he's back, they're fighting and redecorating. The place is a mess. I need help.
RORY: Look, I can't tonight, but if you're still freaked out after the quiz on Tuesday, I will spend everyday next week helping you prepare for the final, okay?
PARIS: I guess.
RORY: Relax. It will be fine, I promise.
PARIS: All I had to do was move a decimal point and none of this would've happened.
CUT TO BIRCH GROVE SPA
[Emily and Lorelai walk into the lobby]
EMILY: Oh, look at this place. It's lovely. And that smell what is that, eucalyptus?
LORELAI: I don't know.
EMILY: Well, it's lovely. Oh Lorelai, come over here, look. They have cucumber slices in the water.
LORELAI: Oh wow! Now if they have ranch dressing in the soap dispensers, this place is great.
EMILY: You know what? I love it here.
LORELAI: Hm. Careful Mom, that's how they get you in the Moonies.
EMILY: I feel more relaxed already. Mm, that's the most delicious water I've ever had. Have a sip.
LORELAI: Let's just check in, shall we?
EMILY: Okay. [they walk to the front desk] Hello, I'm Emily Gilmore. This is my daughter, Lorelai.
BOBBY: Ah, yes, welcome to Birch Grove. My name is Bobby. I have everything all set for you. Do you have luggage?
LORELAI: Yes, it's in the Luca Brasi mobile out front.
BOBBY: Okay, well, we can take care of that for you. Here are your room keys and a copy of all of your spa activities. You ladies are booked solid, I see.
EMILY: Well, we intend to leave here completely different people.
LORELAI: Yes, I'm going to be Ted Nugent.
BOBBY: Anyhow, your rooms are right down this hall. Fruit and yogurt is served by the pool in the mornings, and your lunch and dinner seatings are on that itinerary. Any questions?
LORELAI: Yes, where can one get a cup of coffee around here?
BOBBY: Ah, we don't serve anything with caffeine here.
LORELAI: And you think that's safe?
EMILY: Thank you, Bobby. We're sure we're going to have a wonderful time.
LORELAI: Mom, there's no coffee.
EMILY: It won't k*ll you to go two days without coffee, Lorelai.
LORELAI: No, I think it will.
EMILY: Lorelai, just focus on all the pampering we're going to have. Look at all the wonderful things we have to look forward to.
LORELAI: Oh no.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Oh, um, I'll be right back. They screwed up our appointments.
EMILY: Again?
LORELAI: What do you mean, again?
EMILY: Well, on the way to your house I called to confirm our schedule and found out they had us booked separately for every single one of our treatments. Luckily, I insisted on speaking to a manager and was able to straighten everything out. Yes, those are right.
LORELAI: They are?
EMILY: I even had them move the pedicure tubs together in the same room so we can talk during it.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm really gonna need a cup of coffee.
EMILY: Have some cucumber water.
LORELAI: No, see, that's not gonna do it because it's .
EMILY: Drink, Lorelai.
LORELAI: cucumber water. Yuck.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Rory and Dean are kissing by a tree]
RORY: Wow, your lung capacity certainly has improved.
DEAN: Well, I've been playing a lot more basketball lately.
RORY: Yet another reason to continue the fight to keep physical education in schools.
DEAN: So, tonight.
RORY: Yes?
DEAN: I was thinking.
RORY: Yes?
DEAN: Since your mother's gonna be gone.
RORY: Mm hmm.
DEAN: Maybe I'd come over.
RORY: Oh.
DEAN: What?
RORY: Actually, I was thinking of pulling kind of a hermit thing tonight.
DEAN: Why?
RORY: I don't know. J.D. Salinger seems to dig it.
DEAN: You don't want me to come over?
RORY: No, I just. . .I almost never get the house all to myself and I thought with my mom gone, I can finally do my laundry exactly the way I like it. You know, not just separated into whites and colors, but the colors separated into darks, mediums, and lights, with a separate pile for white T-shirts and T-shirts with some kind of writing on them, like, you know, Rock Star, Evil, or Kafka was here.
DEAN: You wanna be alone to do laundry?
RORY: And watch TV and eat the Indian food that I love but my mom hates the smell of and go to bed early and. . .are you mad?
DEAN: Why would I be mad? You wanna spend tonight alone.
RORY: But hey, tomorrow, the whole day is all about you. I mean it, from morning til night. You plan it, or I'll plan it, or we can get a professional to plan it, whatever you want. Just don't be mad.
DEAN: I'm not. I'm not mad.
RORY: Good.
DEAN: I'm confused, but I'm not mad.
RORY: Fine
DEAN: I'm a saint, but I'm not mad.
RORY: Thank you.
DEAN: You're welcome.
RORY: So, deep breath and. . .
CUT TO BIRCH GROVE SPA
[Lorelai is in her room unpacking. She hears knocking and opens the door to the hallway. No one's there, so she opens another door. Emily walks in wearing a bathrobe.]
EMILY: How do I look?
LORELAI: Like a landlady. What is this?
EMILY: I got adjoining rooms so we don't have to go out in the hallway to get to each other.
LORELAI: Great thinking!
EMILY: God, this robe is fabulous. How do they get it so soft?
LORELAI: Well, I think having about forty other people wear it first is part of the secret.
EMILY: Oh, stop it. So are you all ready for our skin rejuvenating and revitalizing collagen facial and eye treatment?
LORELAI: Almost.
EMILY: It has vitamin C and plant extracts in it, which is the hottest thing in skin care these days. And the eye treatment is supposed to reduce puffiness and minimize the appearance of fine lines.
LORELAI: Okay, no more brochures for you. All right, I'm ready, let's go.
EMILY: Aren't you gonna wear your robe?
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Your robe, you're supposed to wear your robe.
LORELAI: Oh, well, I'm sure they'll give me one when I get there.
EMILY: But these robes are wonderful.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: They help you relax.
LORELAI: We're late, Mom.
EMILY: They're wonderful, relaxing robes.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
EMILY: And yet, you stand there like it's some badge of honor not to put on your robe like everyone else in this place. [Lorelai goes into the bathroom to change] This isn't for me, you know, it's for you. I already have on my robe. I'm already relaxed. What are you doing?
LORELAI: [from bathroom] You're kidding me, right?
EMILY: Well, hurry up, we're gonna be late.
LORELAI: [opens bathroom door] Happy?
EMILY: Apparently you didn't see the matching slippers.
CUT TO FACIAL ROOM
FACIALIST: So, how are we doing?
LORELAI: So good.
FACIALIST: Okay. Well, I'm gonna leave you to sit for a few minutes, so just relax and enjoy, and I'll be right back.
LORELAI: Thanks.
[As the facialist leaves, Lorelai closes her eyes. Emily quietly enters the room and sits down next to Lorelai.]
EMILY: Are your feet sweating?
LORELAI: Mom?
EMILY: Those booties make my feet sweat. Don't they make your feet sweat?
LORELAI: What are you doing in my room?
EMILY: Magda left me sitting for twenty minutes. Fine time to take a coffee break.
LORELAI: She's not taking a coffee break. Your skin is supposed to be absorbing the moisture in your mask in your room.
EMILY: Let's see what's next on our agenda, shall we? Stop moving Lorelai, you'll electrocute yourself. Ooh, the Egyptian mud bath. I wonder if the mud bath is one of those things you see in brochures where they wrap you in towels like you're in a cocoon of some sort. That might be nice. Especially if their towels are as good as their robes because I just love these robes. I wonder where they get these robes. Shouldn't be so hard to find the manufacturer. I could order a few of them. One for me, one for you and one for Rory.
CUT TO HALLWAY
[Lorelai and Emily walk down the hallway in their robes]
EMILY: I still can't get over it, it really was mud. I mean, I know it said mud bath but I didn't really think they meant a real mud bath. And the odd thing is I should've been more repulsed by it. Sitting in a tub of hot dirt, which is basically what mud is, should've made me ill, and yet I really enjoyed it. Did yours have twigs? Mine had twigs, and when I asked the woman about them, she told me they were there because of the healing qualities. . .
[they walk through a door marked Quiet Room.' A few seconds later, the door opens and Lorelai ushers Emily out into the hall]
EMILY: What are you doing? Lorelai, stop it! You're pushing me!
[Lorelai bangs on the door, showing Emily the Quiet Room' sign, then they walk back into the room]
CUT TO MASSAGE ROOM
[Lorelai and Emily are both getting massages.]
MASSEUR: How's the pressure too much?
LORELAI: Yup.
MASSEUR: Sorry, I'll go lighter.
EMILY: Your hands are amazing. Compliment your masseur's hands, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
EMILY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Nothing.
EMILY: You were muttering under your breath. Years of experience have taught me that when you do that, it's usually about me.
LORELAI: Mom, you signed us up for a couple's massage.
EMILY: So?
LORELAI: A couple's massage is for a couple not a couple of people.
EMILY: It's more efficient this way. We'll both be finished at the same time.
LORELAI: Mom, do you know what most people who get these massages do about five minutes after it's over? They have sex, together, probably while wearing their robes.
EMILY: Could the two of you excuse us for a moment please? Thank you. [the masseurs leave] Well, that was appalling!
LORELAI: Well, that was true!
EMILY: You're just determined to spoil this, aren't you, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Why, because I want a quiet, private massage?
EMILY: You've been pouting and sulking and sighing.
LORELAI: Oh, I have not been sighing.
EMILY: Rolling your eyes, mumbling.
LORELAI: Well, that's how I detox.
EMILY: Ever since we got here, you've made it your mission to be as miserable as possible.
LORELAI: That's not true.
EMILY: It's completely true. And if you don't care that you're hurting my feelings, maybe you care that you're wasting all your relaxing time acting like a petulant four-year-old.
LORELAI: Well, I'm sorry.
EMILY: Do you want me to try to get myself another room?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: I saw a supply closet down the hall. Maybe my masseur could finish me in there.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom.
EMILY: Or perhaps I could just roll myself against a stucco wall, eliminate the need for a masseur altogether.
LORELAI: Lie down Mom, please.
EMILY: If you say so. Lorelai?
LORELAI: Yes, Mom?
EMILY: Would you go get the boys, please?
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory, while on the phone, is sitting on the living room floor surrounded by piles of clothes]
RORY: No, that's two orders of garlic gnon, three simosas, and a chicken vindiloo. And rice, and the green sauce, and no salad, and. . . oh wait, sorry. Can you hold on a sec? [answers the call waiting] Hello?
LORELAI: Hi, this is Phil's Liquor. I'm supposed to be delivering a keg there tonight.
RORY: Hold on. [switches to other call] Hi, sorry. Yeah, that's it. Forty minutes, great. Bye. [switches back] Hey.
LORELAI: Who was that?
RORY: Sandeep's.
LORELAI: Oh, you're ordering the Indian food?
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: Good, enjoy. Can you burn the house down afterward, cause that's the only way we'll get the smell out.
RORY: Absolutely. How's the spa?
LORELAI: Tranquil.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: I wasn't done. Tranquilizers, uh, will be required if I have to spend one more minute with my mother.
RORY: Please tell me you're at least trying to get along with her?
LORELAI: Oh, hey, I'm being a peach.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Well, I smell like a peach. Was that the doorbell?
RORY: Yeah, I'll call you later.
LORELAI: Oh wait, I wanna find out who it is.
RORY: The sooner you get back to your weekend, the sooner it'll be over.
LORELAI: Okay, but before you go, can you get out my address book and count how many friends I have? I'll wait.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Mean!
RORY: Steal me soap! [hangs up the phone, then opens the front door] Paris. What -.
PARIS: I tried to stay home and study myself but I can't. I don't know what anything means anymore. I mean, I can't even read my own handwriting. What does this say? The person who wrote this should be dressed in a clown suit stuffing bodies under their porch. You're in your pajamas.
RORY: I know.
PARIS: This was the big night you had planned a rendezvous with Mr. Peanut?
RORY: Well...
PARIS: You're doing laundry.
RORY: Yes.
PARIS: You're doing laundry in your pajamas.
RORY: My mom is out of town and I never get the house all to myself.
PARIS: You mean you never get to go months on end without seeing your parents, just getting an occasional postcard that doesn't even have a courtesy "Wish you were here" written on it? That does suck. Don't let me stand in your way.
RORY: Paris, wait.
PARIS: No, forget it, I don't want to get in the way of your big night. I hear there's gonna be some hot knitting going on later.
RORY: Fine, I'll study with you.
PARIS: You will?
RORY: For one hour, that's it. We can do a quick review and a pop quiz and then you are going home. Deal?
PARIS: Deal.
RORY: Okay, so, go sit on the couch. I'll be out in the minute.
PARIS: Where are you going?
RORY: I'm going to go change.
PARIS: Okay, but my hour doesn't start until you get back out here, right?
CUT TO BIRCH GROVE SPA
[Emily walks into Lorelai's room]
EMILY: Are you ready?
LORELAI: Wow, you look great, Mom.
EMILY: Are you being sarcastic?
LORELAI: No, I'm being completely serious.
EMILY: Oh, well, thank you. That's a pretty color. What is that?
LORELAI: It's called Vicious Trollop.
EMILY: Oh, stop it! Now why would you name a lipstick something like that?
LORELAI: Cause dirty whore' was taken?
EMILY: You frighten me.
LORELAI: You wanna try some?
EMILY: No, thank you.
LORELAI: Go on, Mom, try it.
EMILY: It won't look good on me.
LORELAI: Sure it will.
EMILY: Well, all right, but if I look ridiculous. . .
LORELAI: I'll be the first one to point it out. You're a vicious trollop, you're a vicious trollop.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Sorry.
EMILY: Well?
LORELAI: I like it.
EMILY: You do? I like it too.
LORELAI: Good, let's go then, I'm starving.
EMILY: Oh, me too. What are they serving for dinner tonight?
LORELAI: Well, let's see. [looks at menu] Hmm.
EMILY: They certainly do like their tofu here, don't they?
LORELAI: And the word steamed. Well, they have dessert at least. Cookies sweetened with sprouted mungbean.
EMILY: That sounds dreadful.
LORELAI: Yes, it does.
EMILY: Where are you going? You aren't going to change, are you? Our seating's in ten minutes.
LORELAI: Get your coat.
EMILY: I don't need a coat to go to the dining room.
LORELAI: We're not going to the dining room.
EMILY: Well, where are we going?
LORELAI: Out.
EMILY: Out where?
LORELAI: We're gonna leave the spa, find a restaurant, and have a steak.
EMILY: A steak?
LORELAI: Who's gonna stop us?
EMILY: A steak.
LORELAI: Come on, Mom. What's it gonna be vicious trollop or the wide world of mungbeans?
EMILY: Let's go.
LORELAI: I'm right behind you.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory and Paris are studying in the living room]
RORY: So, given that those are the reactions occurring in the two half-cells, what do you do next?
PARIS: Well, if we add them together, doubling the coefficients of the silver half equation but not the voltage, we get the equation for the complete reaction.
RORY: Well, you're in much better shape than you wanna think you are.
PARIS: Impossible. [doorbell rings; Rory walks toward the door] Where are you going?
RORY: That's my food.
PARIS: Another half hour, please!
RORY: No, you got your hour. You need to go.
PARIS: But .
RORY: Go!
PARIS: Fine.
[Rory opens the door. Jess is holding a box of food]
JESS: Delivery.
RORY: What are you doing here?
JESS: Well, Luke figured since you're along tonight that maybe you wouldn't have any food in the house, so he sent over a care package.
RORY: I don't need a care package. I ordered food from Sandeep's.
JESS: Really? Planning on burning down the house afterwards?
RORY: Jess.
JESS: The only way to k*ll the smell. Where should I put this? [walks into house]
RORY: Well. . .
JESS: Kitchen?
RORY: Um. . .sure.
[cut to kitchen]
RORY: God, how much food is in there? This could feed twelve.
JESS: Excuse me, I've seen you eat.
RORY: Fine, six.
JESS: Yeah, well, he wanted you taken care of. He wasn't sure how long your mom was gonna be gone for.
RORY: Just tonight.
JESS: Oh, he didn't know that.
RORY: Well, now you can tell him.
JESS: I will.
RORY: So how come Caesar didn't bring this over?
JESS: I volunteered.
RORY: Why?
JESS: Just wanted to get out of the construction zone. There's nothing but banging and yelling. That place gives me a headache.
RORY: Oh.
JESS: Why did you think I wanted to come over here and see you?
RORY: No.
JESS: Just needed some quiet.
RORY: Fine.
JESS: That is all.
RORY: Got it.
JESS: Clear my head.
RORY: I understand.
JESS: So, aren't you gonna eat?
RORY: Eventually.
JESS: It gets cold fast.
RORY: I can heat it up.
JESS: Reheated French fries really suck.
RORY: Hm, they do suck.
JESS: Yeah, so, eat.
RORY: Okay, I will. You're still standing there.
JESS: I know. You didn't give me a tip.
RORY: You want money?
JESS: No, I'll take a fry though.
RORY: Okay, yeah, have as much as you want.
JESS: Okay, great. [takes off jacket]
RORY: What are you doing?
JESS: Getting ready to eat.
RORY: You're staying?
JESS: Didn't you just invite me?
RORY: No, I -.
JESS: No, you told me to have all I wanted. That sounded invitation-like.
RORY: You wanna stay here and eat?
JESS: Beats being at Luke's.
RORY: But .
PARIS: [walks in from living room] I can't find my flashcards.
JESS: I didn't know you had company.
RORY: This is Paris. We were just studying.
JESS: Huh.
PARIS: Don't worry, I was just leaving. If you find my flashcards, call me, okay?
RORY: No.
PARIS: What?
RORY: Stay for dinner.
PARIS: But I thought. . .
RORY: We have a ton of food, and we can go over the notes more later.
PARIS: You're sure?
RORY: Positive.
PARIS: Is that mac and cheese?
RORY: It sure is.
PARIS: I love mac and cheese.
RORY: Great.
PARIS: I'm not allowed to have mac and cheese.
RORY: Splurge. Come on Paris, stay.
PARIS: Do you have a twenty-four hour pharmacy just in case I have an allergic reaction to something?
RORY: Believe it or not, we do.
PARIS: Okay, can I borrow your phone?
RORY: It's by the door.
[Paris walks away]
JESS: Interesting.
RORY: What is?
JESS: You think we need a chaperone?
RORY: No, I don't.
JESS: You just invited one.
RORY: I'm just being polite. Paris is alone tonight and you yourself just said we have enough food for six.
JESS: With me around, it's down to four.
RORY: With Paris around, it's down to two.
JESS: Works out well.
RORY: I think so.
PARIS: [on phone] Hola, es Paris. Voy a comer la cena de cas de Rory. Hay mucho mac and cheese!
CUT TO RESTAURANT
[Emily and Lorelai check their coats, then walk toward the hostess]
EMILY: My goodness, look at this place.
LORELAI: I bet there's no cucumber slices in the water here. [to hostess] Hi there, party of two.
HOSTESS: Okay. Uh, well, I can take your name, but I probably won't have a table for about an hour.
LORELAI: An hour!
EMILY: I can't wait an hour.
LORELAI: Me either.
EMILY: I'll pass out.
LORELAI: Go first, you can break my fall.
EMILY: Can we bribe you?
HOSTESS: Sorry.
LORELAI: Please? She's loaded.
EMILY: Lorelai!
HOSTESS: You know, a couple of stools just opened up at the bar, and we do serve our entire menu there.
LORELAI: That is a great idea. Thanks. Come on.
EMILY: We cannot eat dinner at a bar.
LORELAI: I don't wanna wait an hour, and I'm wearing the wrong shoes for a drive thru.
EMILY: But what are people going to think?
LORELAI: That we're loose women with questionable morals.
[they sit down at the bar]
EMILY: Doesn't seem right to eat dinner when your feet aren't touching the floor.
BARTENDER: What can I get you ladies?
LORELAI: Hi Steve, nice to meet you. We will have two. . .martinis?
EMILY: Why not?
LORELAI: Two vodka martinis, straight up with a twist, very dry, very cold, and a couple of menus, please.
EMILY: And some peanuts.
LORELAI: Ah, peanuts, good idea.
BARTENDER: Here you go, I'll get your drinks.
LORELAI: Thank you. You're a good man, Steve. Okay, I'm thinking steak and Caesar salad if it's not too anchovy-y, and hey do you wanna split a shrimp cocktail to start?
EMILY: That sounds fine.
LORELAI: Ah, I just love the idea of shrimp cocktail with a steak dinner, you know? It's so Casino, Big Joe, steak and shrimp hey, save some for winter, there.
EMILY: I never realized how wonderful peanuts were before.
BARTENDER: Want a refill?
EMILY: Oh, yes, please.
LORELAI: Cheers, Mom.
EMILY: Cheers. I must tell you, I never expected this.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Me inhaling peanuts at a singles bar.
LORELAI: This isn't a singles bar, Mom. It's a sixty-forty bar.
EMILY: A what?
LORELAI: Sixty-year-old men hitting on forty-year-old women, divorcees mostly.
EMILY: Really?
LORELAI: Look around.
EMILY: Hm. Oh, now, she can do better than that. What does she see in him?
LORELAI: Big will, short life span, the usual draw. Hey Mom.
EMILY: I wonder if they have pretzels, too.
LORELAI: Don't look now, but I think you're passing for a forty-year-old woman.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Two o'clock, silver fox, totally checking you out.
EMILY: Oh, he is not.
LORELAI: Well, he's not staring at Steve.
EMILY: You're being ridiculous. He's definitely not looking at me.
LORELAI: He's still looking.
EMILY: Drink your martini, Lorelai.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory, Paris, and Jess are eating at the kitchen table]
PARIS: A tragic waste of paper.
JESS: I can't believe you just said that.
PARIS: Well, it's true, the b*at's writing was completely self-indulgent. I have one word for Jack Kerouac edit.
JESS: It was not self-indulgent. The Beats believed in shocking people, stirring things up.
PARIS: They believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime.
RORY: Well, then you can say that they exposed you to a world you wouldn't have otherwise known. Isn't that what great writing's all about?
PARIS: That was not great writing. That was the National Enquirer of the fifties.
JESS: You're cracked.
PARIS: Typical guy response. Worship Kerouac and Bukowski, God forbid you'd pick up anything by Jane Austen.
JESS: Hey, I've read Jane Austen.
PARIS: You have?
JESS: Yeah, and I think she would've liked Bukowski.
PARIS: What are you doing?
JESS: Salt and pepper dip. Only way to eat a fry.
PARIS: Really?
RORY: It's fast food gospel.
PARIS: Mm. That's good. That's really, really good.
[phone rings]
JESS: You like hot sauce?
PARIS: I don't know. Should I?
JESS: I think it's wise.
RORY: [answers phone] Hello?
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Oh, hey. Where are you?
DEAN: On my way to see you if that's okay?
RORY: Oh, well -
DEAN: I know you wanna be alone, so I'll only stay a minute. I just wanna say hi.
RORY: We just said hi.
DEAN: Well, I wanna say hi a little closer.
RORY: But, I'm a mess, really. It's not pretty. You won't recognize me.
DEAN: Well, then put a name tag on cause I miss you.
RORY: I miss you too, but
DEAN: But what?
RORY: But. . .Paris is here.
DEAN: Why?
RORY: She freaked out about a grade and she wanted to go over some notes, and you know Paris she will not be denied.
DEAN: Okay, then I'm not really ruining your alone night, someone else did that.
RORY: Yes, but
DEAN: I'll see you in a sec. [hangs up]
JESS: I can't get into poetry. It's kind of like, geez, just say it already, we're dying here.
RORY: Wow, you know, I just noticed the time, and it's getting really late.
JESS: It's seven o'clock.
RORY: I know, but Paris and I still have a lot more studying to do. Jess, please thank Luke for me. It was really nice of him.
JESS: Who was on the phone?
RORY: No one.
JESS: No one wouldn't happen to be heading over here now, would he?
RORY: Jess.
PARIS: What's going on?
RORY: Nothing.
JESS: Dean's on his way over and Rory doesn't want him to find me here.
RORY: Why?
JESS: Yeah, why?
RORY: You know why.
JESS: We're just eating dinner.
RORY: Jess, I'm asking you as a friend, just please leave now.
JESS: You really want me to go?
RORY: I really wanna avoid a fight with Dean.
JESS: Okay, I'm going.
RORY: Thank you.
JESS: Ow!
RORY: What?
JESS: Ooh! I just twisted my ankle. I better go lie down.
RORY: Jess!
JESS: God, you're no fun when you're tense. Are you sure you want me to go? Cause maybe this whole thing can be solved between me and Dean if we just sat down and had a little heart to heart. He can tell me his issues, I'll tell him mine.
RORY: Jess!
JESS: I promise I'll speak slowly.
RORY: Bye! [pushes him out the front door]
JESS: Okay, well, give him my best, would ya? [sees Dean in the front yard] Actually, I guess I could do that myself.
RORY: Dean, Jess just came by to bring me some food.
JESS: From Luke's.
RORY: He wanted to make sure I ate.
JESS: Luke did.
RORY: Right, Luke did.
JESS: Personally, I could care less if she eats.
RORY: Yeah, true, he could care less.
JESS: I see you brought a little something, too. Is that ice cream? That's so nice. A tiny little ice cream package just big enough for two. Hey, are you guys gonna feed each other cause that's just so darn cute. Oops. You're doing that towering over me thing. Huh. I tell you, you've really got that down. It helps that you're twelve feet tall, but this Frankenstein scowl really adds to the whole .
RORY: Jess.
JESS: Okay, I'm going. Look, man, I really was just dropping off some food, so don't get all West Side Story on me, okay? [leaves]
RORY: So, do you wanna. . . [Dean walks into the house] . . .come in?
[cut to kitchen]
DEAN: What the hell is going on?
PARIS: Hi.
RORY: Dean, you remember Paris, right?
DEAN: Yeah, hi. So Jess just dropped this off, huh?
RORY: Oh, well. . .
DEAN: Now I know you eat fast, but this is a lot of food to put away that quickly, even on your best day.
RORY: Okay, so he didn't just drop it off but - .
DEAN: You told me you were doing laundry tonight.
RORY: I was.
DEAN: And now you are here with Jess.
RORY: And Paris!
DEAN: Jess, Rory!
RORY: Ah, well, I swear, I didn't
DEAN: You didn't what? You didn't know he was coming over?
RORY: I didn't.
DEAN: And you also didn't know he was gonna stay, right?
RORY: It just happened.
DEAN: How does that just happen?
RORY: Well, he was. . .and the diner, the diner was. . .and I. . .
DEAN: And you what? What? Say something!
RORY: Stop yelling!
DEAN: You totally lied to me!
RORY: I didn't!
DEAN: Turn the situation around, Rory! How's it looking?
RORY: It's looking complicated and I'm trying to explain it to you.
DEAN: Ugh, that's crap.
PARIS: It's my fault.
DEAN: What?
PARIS: It's my fault that Jess was here. I saw him in the diner the day I came to Stars Hollow and I thought he was cute and since I'm not great at the whole batting the eyelashes, look at my belly shirt' kind of thing, I asked Rory to help me. I thought if she could maybe get him over here, we'd have a chance to talk and. . .I don't know, it seems totally stupid now and it obviously didn't work shock, but that's why he was here. Thanks for trying to cover for me.
RORY: That's okay.
PARIS: Anyway, I should get going. I'm probably gonna break out in some sort of rash any second now. [leaves kitchen]
DEAN: So Paris likes Jess?
RORY: Yeah.
DEAN: Rory, is this true?
RORY: Yes it is.
DEAN: Paris and Jess?
RORY: I know. There's no explaining attraction. Dean, listen to me, if I was going to have anyone over tonight, it definitely would've been you.
DEAN: Okay.
RORY: Really?
DEAN: Well, if you say so, then I have to believe it, don't I?
RORY: Yes.
DEAN: Well, okay then. I'm sorry that I yelled.
RORY: Completely justified under the circumstances.
DEAN: I'm gonna get going.
RORY: No, wait, don't you wanna stay for ice cream? We could hang out.
DEAN: Nah, I'm just gonna go.
RORY: I'm still seeing you tomorrow, right?
DEAN: Yeah, sure.
RORY: Hey.
DEAN: See you tomorrow. [leaves]
[Rory walks into the living room]
RORY: What was that?
PARIS: What?
RORY: That, the story, the save? You helped me. Why would you do that?
PARIS: I don't know, it just came out.
RORY: You have no idea what you did.
PARIS: It was no big deal.
RORY: No, it was a very big deal. It was a huge deal.
PARIS: Well, you helped me tonight when you didn't want to, so I owed you.
RORY: Thank you.
PARIS: You're welcome. Okay, well, I'll let you get back to your alone night.
RORY: You should stay.
PARIS: Stay?
RORY: Yeah. We could hang out, maybe watch some TV. You can even spend the night if you don't wanna drive all the way back to Hartford.
PARIS: Spend the night, like a slumber party?
RORY: Sort of.
PARIS: You're just doing this because I lied to Dean for you, right?
RORY: I'm doing this because it's what you do with friends.
PARIS: We're friends?
RORY: I'm not sure if there is an exact definition for what we are, but I do think it falls somewhere in the bizarro friends-ish realm. Come on, stay.
PARIS: Okay. But if you're doing all this so you can freeze my bra, I'll k*ll you.
RORY: Duly noted.
CUT TO RESTAURANT
[Lorelai and Emily are eating dinner.]
EMILY: This is either the greatest steak I've ever eaten, or I'm so hungry, I'm delirious. Pass the horseradish, please.
LORELAI: I never knew you were a spicy girl.
EMILY: Oh, believe me, I can handle my heat. One summer when we were first married, your father and I stayed at this little village in Thailand where we spent two weeks eating viciously hot chilies and skinny-dipping.
LORELAI: Ah, Mom!
EMILY: Well, you certainly couldn't put your clothes on after eating those things.
LORELAI: Stop it! I like to think of parents the old fashioned way separate bedrooms.
FEMALE SINGER: And now it's time for my favorite part of the evening our salute to the Chairman of the Board.
MALE SINGER: I sure hope that's not b-o-r-e-d.
LORELAI: Uh, uh, Mom?
EMILY: Yes?
LORELAI: Remember the man who wasn't staring at you?
EMILY: He wasn't staring at me.
LORELAI: Okay, well, he's coming over.
EMILY: What?
CHAD: Excuse me, I hope I'm not interrupting, but I couldn't help but notice that you two are having more fun than anyone at the bar.
LORELAI: Well, that's true, we are.
CHAD: Well, good, I've come to the right place. Hi, I'm Chad.
LORELAI: Hi Chad. I'm Lorelai. This is my mother, Emily.
CHAD: Your mother?
LORELAI: Chad, if the next words out of your mouth are, you can't possibly be old enough to be her mother,' I'm gonna have to cause you severe physical pain.
CHAD: Emily, do you share this rather extreme opinion?
EMILY: I think I'll stay out of it.
CHAD: In that case, let me just say that I think you look more like sisters than mother and daughter. Yeah, I went for a variation.
LORELAI: I'll let it slide this time.
CHAD: So, are you two, uh, local or just visiting?
LORELAI: Visiting. Mom's from Hartford and I'm from a town, uh
CHAD: Hartford? Great town, great town. A little of the old, little of the new. You like living there?
EMILY: Well, yes, I do.
LORELAI: And how about you, Chad where do you live?
CHAD: Here and by here, I mean this very bar stool.
LORELAI: Wow, admitting right off the bat that you spend your life at a bar. Do you find that people are impressed by that?
CHAD: Until now.
EMILY: Oh, I love this song.
CHAD: It's a great song for dancing.
EMILY: Yes, it is.
CHAD: Help me out here, will ya?
LORELAI: I think he's asking you to dance, Mom.
EMILY: What? Oh, no, I, uh, I couldn't.
CHAD: Rumor has it you love this song.
EMILY: Oh, well, yes, but I don't dance.
CHAD: Oh, come on. I can't believe that.
EMILY: And I shouldn't leave my daughter alone.
LORELAI: That's okay. The sitter'll be here any minute.
EMILY: Really, I'm serious, you should ask someone else.
CHAD: Is it my dancing? Because you two could work out some kind of save me' signal in case I really embarrass you.
LORELAI: Go ahead, Mom. It'll be fun.
CHAD: Come on, the song's almost over. You'll hardly have to spend any time at all with me.
EMILY: All right.
[they start dancing]
BARTENDER: Hey, your mom looks good out there.
LORELAI: Yup, she sure does.
[When the song ends, Emily starts to walk away but Chad pulls her closer for another dance. After a few seconds, Emily breaks away from him.]
EMILY: I'm sorry, I have to go.
[She quickly walks over to the coat check area. Lorelai gets up and follows her]
LORELAI: Mom, what's wrong?
EMILY: We're leaving.
LORELAI: What happened?
EMILY: I shouldn't have been doing this.
LORELAI: Doing what?
EMILY: Fraternizing with other men.
LORELAI: Oh, what are you talking about?
EMILY: I practically cheated on your father.
LORELAI: You did not cheat on Dad.
EMILY: I danced with another man.
LORELAI: You've danced with other men before.
EMILY: Not like that, not without your father present.
LORELAI: Oh, Mom, it was just a dance. You were having fun.
EMILY: I need to get out of here. How hard is it to find a coat?
LORELAI: Mom, you didn't do anything wrong.
EMILY: I don't know why I let you take me to this chop house in the first place. I don't go to chop houses. What were you thinking?
LORELAI: Need food now.
EMILY: And I certainly don't eat at bars. Hookers eat at bars.
LORELAI: Only if they can't get a table.
EMILY: You're not funny. You knew this whole evening made me uncomfortable and yet you kept pushing.
LORELAI: I was trying to do everything right. You manipulated me into taking this trip and still I came. You told me I was acting like a teenager, so I tried to be nicer. You said you needed to eat, so I made that happen.
EMILY: Yes, by sitting me at a bar where you practically forced me to engage in inappropriate behavior.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: You let me get sixty-fortied!
LORELAI: You are crazy! Do you know that? We were having dinner, Mom, a nice dinner. We were talking. Hell, we were having fun.
EMILY: Oh, so watching your mother make an ass of herself was fun for you?
LORELAI: God, you know, you don't have any right to complain about this relationship if you're not willing to let your guard down once in awhile and just be normal.
EMILY: There's a way for a mother to behave in front of her daughter. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that's how it is.
CUT TO BIRCH GROVE SPA
[Lorelai is in her room, packing. There's a knock on the door.]
LORELAI: Come in.
EMILY: I called the bellman to get the bags. He said it would be around ten minutes.
LORELAI: Okay.
EMILY: Thank you for agreeing to leave early.
LORELAI: No problem.
EMILY: I guess this whole thing was a silly idea anyway. I don't know why I pushed it. We can't even get through a dinner without a fight. What was I thinking putting us together for a weekend?
LORELAI: It was a nice thought, Mom.
EMILY: Yes, well, I guess it's the thought that counts, isn't it?
LORELAI: You know, if you want, um, I can just bring our bags down. I mean, they're not that heavy, and then we don't have to wait.
EMILY: Well, that sounds fine. Why can't we have what you and Rory have?
LORELAI: Rory and I are different mom.
EMILY: We're mother and daughter, you're mother and daughter. It shouldn't be that different.
LORELAI: It's completely different. It couldn't be more different.
EMILY: But why?
LORELAI: I grew up in a different environment.
EMILY: You mean an oppressive environment.
LORELAI: No, Mom, I mean a different environment. And plus, I was so young when I had Rory.
EMILY: So because I waited until I was grown and married, I can't have a relationship with my daughter?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Well, then, why?
LORELAI: Rory and I are best friends, Mom. We are best friends first and mother and daughter second, and you and I are mother and daughter always.
EMILY: I wasn't taught to be best friends with my daughter.
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: I was taught to be a role model for my daughter.
LORELAI: I know that, too.
EMILY: I did what I thought was right. I did what I thought I had to do to protect you, and because of this we have no relationship.
LORELAI: Oh, Mom, we have a relationship.
EMILY: We do? What? What is our relationship?
LORELAI: Well, we. . .
EMILY: Exactly.
LORELAI: Maybe an intense weekend together was not the best idea for us. Maybe we need to start with something simpler.
EMILY: Like what, a brisk walk around the block?
LORELAI: No, I hate exercise.
EMILY: Oh, well, as long as you find this amusing.
LORELAI: Mom, come on. There has to be something else. Something small.
EMILY: Like what? Where are you going? Lorelai, you just don't walk out on a person. That's rude. That's a robe.
LORELAI: Yes, this is my robe. And I want you to go into your room and get your robe. And then, exactly at the same time, we are gonna shove these robes in our suitcases and we are gonna walk out that door and leave with them.
EMILY: That's stealing.
LORELAI: Yes, it is.
EMILY: You want me to steal a robe? That's how we're going to bond?
LORELAI: Mom, you love this robe. You've talked about nothing else except this robe since we got here, so this robe will be symbolic of our trip together.
EMILY: But that's crazy. As soon as they check the rooms, they're going to know the robes are gone and then they're going to charge our credit card.
LORELAI: Well, how do you know?
EMILY: Because that's what the little tag on the hanger says.
LORELAI: Well, the little tag on the hanger could be right, or the little tag on the hanger could just be there trying to scare us away from trying. Either way, whether we get away with it or not, it's something we did, you and I.
EMILY: You're serious.
LORELAI: I am folding this robe up.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: I am putting this robe in my bag.
EMILY: That's lunacy.
LORELAI: I am zipping up the bag that contains the robe.
EMILY: I have a perfectly good robe at home.
LORELAI: Now the only question is, am I doing it alone?
EMILY: Did you ever steal a robe with Rory?
LORELAI: No, Rory would never steal. She's far too moral for that. You, however, vicious trollop what's it gonna be?
EMILY: I should have my head examined.
LORELAI: We'll make an appointment when we get back.
EMILY: You do know, in the course of one night, you've turned me into an adulterer and a thief.
LORELAI: I'll have you working at the chicken ranch by the end of the month.
EMILY: I cannot believe I'm doing this.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table.]
RORY: You actually got Grandma to steal a bathrobe?
LORELAI: Although I did catch her trying to return it while I was getting the car.
RORY: Still.
LORELAI: I know, life with my mother, one step forward, five thousand steps back. It's kinda like the spastic polka.
KIRK: Excuse me, are you done?
LORELAI: No, uh, sorry, not yet.
KIRK: So, you're gonna eat that half a piece of bacon that's been sitting there for ten minutes?
LORELAI: Kirk.
KIRK: I mean, of course, you must be if you're saying you're not done because that's the only thing left in front on you, unless you eat plates.
LORELAI: Go away.
KIRK: You are hogging the table.
LORELAI: You keep it up, I'm ordering seconds.
KIRK: Fine.
LORELAI: So, Paris looked a little green this morning.
RORY: Yeah, she had a sugar/carb hangover of monumental proportions.
LORELAI: People don't realize it, but it takes years of training to be able to eat the way we do.
RORY: Don't I know it.
LORELAI: So, what's on the agenda for today?
RORY: Let's see. Dean, Dean, and uh. . .oh, did I mention Dean?
LORELAI: Wow, he must've been crazy mad last night.
RORY: I'd say that was a fair assessment.
LORELAI: Okay, I gotta get to the inn.
RORY: Okay. Well, I'm probably gonna have dinner with Dean, so. . .
LORELAI: I'll have the house to myself tonight. Life's funny, isn't it?
RORY: I simply cannot stop laughing. I'll get the check.
LORELAI: Thanks hon.
RORY: [walks to the counter] Hey Luke.
LUKE: What, you find a nail in your food? I swear to God, Tom, you are d*ad! You hear me? d*ad!
RORY: There's nothing wrong with the food, Luke.
LUKE: Oh, sorry Tom.
RORY: I just wanted to thank you.
LUKE: Yeah, for what?
RORY: For the care package. It was really sweet of you.
LUKE: What care package?
JESS: Hey Luke, I think they h*t the water line again.
LUKE: Oh, what? [walks away] Tom, you are d*ad! You hear me? d*ad!
RORY: Huh, interesting.
JESS: Hey, you wanna pay?
RORY: I don't think Luke knew anything about the food last night.
JESS: That'll be twelve-fifty.
RORY: Which means you lied about why you came over.
JESS: I don't have any quarters. I'm gonna have to give you nickels.
RORY: Now why would you lie about something like that?
JESS: Here's your change. Come again soon.
RORY: You wanted to come over.
JESS: I have to get back to work.
RORY: You're squirming. I've never seen you squirm. It's entertaining.
JESS: Oh yeah?
RORY: Yeah.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai walks out of the diner. Dean is standing out front.]
LORELAI: Dean, hey.
DEAN: Hey.
LORELAI: Rory's just inside paying. She's coming out to meet you after.
DEAN: Yeah, we're gonna spend the day together.
LORELAI: That's great.
DEAN: Yeah, it is.
LORELAI: So, listen, Rory told me everything that happened last night. She feels just terrible about it.
DEAN: I know.
LORELAI: Good, you should. It's just one of those freaky unfortunate things that happens.
DEAN: Freaky and unfortunate, yeah.
LORELAI: She had nothing to do with Jess coming over. Believe me, she did not want him there.
DEAN: That's what she told me. And Rory wouldn't lie, right?
LORELAI: No, Rory wouldn't lie.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x16 - There's The Rub"} | foreverdreaming |
2.17 - d*ad Uncles and Vegetables
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Jamie Babbit
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[The phone is ringing. Lorelai rushes down the steps to answer it, but the machine picks up before she can get it.]
LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey, we're not in, so ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message.
EMILY: I am so tired of this ridiculous machine. I get it every time I call. . .
LORELAI: Oh, that was close.
EMILY: You are Rory are always out. What is it that you do? Is your house that awful you can't be in it? It's too much excitement, if you ask me. . .
LORELAI: Well, what isn't in Emily's rules of conduct?
EMILY: I don't want to talk to a machine, I'll just call you later. [hangs up]
LORELAI: If you had your way, Mother, you'd lock us up like veal. That's what she wants, veal children.
[phone rings again]
LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey, we're not in, so ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message.
EMILY: It's me again. Listen. . .
LORELAI: You're talking into the machine.
EMILY: Don't forget that my DAR meeting is on Tuesday. Please. . .
LORELAI: It's b*rned into my brain. It's there forever.
EMILY: . . . it's at three o'clock and all the women are all extremely punctual.
LORELAI: When I'm senile and ga-ga and drooling into a cup, and yet I can't remember my name, I'll still remember that your DAR meeting is that Tuesday.
EMILY: . . . this Tuesday. I'll talk to you about some other things later. [hangs up]
LORELAI: I'm gonna have to be de-programmed by cult de-programmers to get that Tuesday out of my brain.
[phone rings again]
LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey, we're not in, so ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message.
EMILY: Your phone message is annoying. . .
LORELAI: Unbelievable.
EMILY: Do you know how annoying it is?
LORELAI: I think I have a standard against which to measure it.
EMILY: . . .to it yourself. Have you heard it lately?
LORELAI: I can't because I'm amputating my ears.
EMILY: . . .and that thumb bashing thing, is that a joke? Why is it that your jokes are always. . .
LORELAI: Ah, an earless world, what a dream!
[opening credits]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[In the dining room, Emily is sitting at a table tasting soups as Lorelai and Sookie stand by watching.]
LORELAI: Haven't you already tasted that one, Mom?
EMILY: Mm.
LORELAI: Twice, you've tasted that soup twice.
EMILY: You're keeping a running count?
LORELAI: I'm morbidly fascinated.
EMILY: Well, Lorelai, when you're tasting anything, the first taste acclimates the palate, the second establishes the foundation, and the third is to make your decision.
LORELAI: Oh, there's going to be a third taste.
EMILY: Isn't that what this is for to taste the soups?
LORELAI: Taste them, yes, not to orally deduce their chemical structures.
EMILY: Everything has to be at your pace.
LORELAI: Or at a pace that can't be measured by the number of times the earth circles the sun.
SOOKIE: You know, actually, I've heard that.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: One is to acclimate, two is for foundation, and three to judge.
LORELAI: Traitor.
EMILY: The women in my DAR group are very picky. My God, when the pate at the meeting Heddy Cubbington organized was slightly less chilled than appropriate, she was ostracized for a month.
LORELAI: Well, that hussy Heddy had it coming.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: [to employee] Oh, gosh, they're on time for once, good. Hey, do me a favor and, uh, tell Michel that on Wednesday. . .
EMILY: Lorelai, please.
LORELAI: Thanks. Um, Mom, I got a lot of other things happening here that can't come to a grinding halt for this.
EMILY: So your full attention for a short period is too much to ask for?
LORELAI: Mom, I'm already giving you more attention than I would someone in these circumstances. No one else would get eight separate soups to taste for a lousy DAR. . .sorry, a not lousy DAR meeting. We only do this for weddings.
EMILY: Well, would you like me to pay for the tasting?
LORELAI: No, Mom, just decide in this calendar year.
SOOKIE: Hey, can I. . .I'm sorry. The mushroom is a great choice. It's super popular, and it's my Jackson's favorite.
EMILY: Whose?
SOOKIE: Jackson, my fiancé.
EMILY: Oh, you're getting married?
SOOKIE: To the best man in the world.
LORELAI: Oh hey, while we're on the subject, um, bridesmaids outfits?
SOOKIE: Ooh, I'm way ahead of you. I've already got a couple of ideas.
LORELAI: Is one of them having me design and make them so I don't secretly hate what you pick and then harbor a secret grudge against you for the rest of our lives?
SOOKIE: It is now.
LORELAI: I'll do it!
SOOKIE: We're a good team.
MICHEL: That fellow's on the phone from the restaurant.
LORELAI: Who?
MICHEL: The flannel man with the protruding ankles.
LORELAI: Oh, Luke?
MICHEL: I forgot his name from the desk to here, that's how memorable he is.
LORELAI: Okay, thank you.
EMILY: Where are you going?
LORELAI: Oh, to talk to Luke.
EMILY: Can't you call him back?
LORELAI: Have your third taste, Mom. [leaves]
EMILY: Lorelai! Is she always this scattered?
SOOKIE: She's the s*ab person I know.
EMILY: That's very sad. Well, I think you're right, mushroom.
SOOKIE: Great.
EMILY: So, tell me more about your wedding.
SOOKIE: Oh, I've just started planning so there's not that much to tell.
EMILY: Well, have you decided on anything yet? The location or the music for the ceremony, maybe?
SOOKIE: Oh, we'll probably just, you know, wind up playing something off a CD.
EMILY: Oh.
SOOKIE: What?
EMILY: Well, CD's can be very unreliable. They break sometimes, or they skip, or the person assigned to turn them on and off gets distracted and the whole ceremony is ruined.
SOOKIE: I hadn't thought of that.
EMILY: Have you thought about live music?
SOOKIE: Well. . .
EMILY: A nice string ensemble.
SOOKIE: Ooh, that sounds nice.
EMILY: There are a couple of wonderful groups I could recommend.
SOOKIE: Sure. I mean, I guess it doesn't hurt to check them out.
EMILY: No, it doesn't. Mushroom soup.
SOOKIE: String quartet.
CUT TO FRONT DESK
[Lorelai walks over and picks up the phone]
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: Yeah, hi.
LORELAI: Hello.
LUKE: How's it going?
LORELAI: Pretty good, pretty good. How's things with you?
LUKE: Oh, not bad. Dropped some eggs.
LORELAI: Bummer.
LUKE: Hazard of the business. Am I catching you at a bad time?
LORELAI: Oh, no, it's kind of slow here. So slow, in fact, that Michel and I were about to get the tetherball out.
LUKE: That's the thing with a ball tethered to a rope?
LORELAI: Hey, I never knew that's where the tether comes from.
LUKE: Yeah, it's tethered. It's tied, like an anchor is tethered to a rope on a boat.
LORELAI: Neat, neat.
LUKE: Yeah, most people probably don't put that together.
LORELAI: Probably not.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: So, anything else?
LUKE: Uh, yeah, actually if I needed a room or two for a couple of days, would that be possible?
LORELAI: You need rooms?
LUKE: Like nine.
LORELAI: You need nine rooms?
LUKE: Just for a couple of days, Wednesday and Thursday.
LORELAI: Uh, well, I can take care of that. What's it for?
LUKE: Uh, just got some family coming in.
LORELAI: Reunion? Cause we can get the tetherball out.
LUKE: Nah, funeral.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Yeah, my Uncle Louie died last night and I'm arranging the funeral for him.
LORELAI: Oh, Luke, I'm so sorry. Here I was babbling about tetherball.
LUKE: And you weren't babbling.
LORELAI: Well, you've got nine rooms, Wednesday and Thursday.
LUKE: You sure?
LORELAI: It's a done deal.
LUKE: Thanks.
LORELAI: Luke, I'm so, so sorry.
LUKE: It's okay. It sounds like he went peaceful. He was eighty-five.
LORELAI: But it's always hard. Um, are you okay?
LUKE: Yeah, I'm okay.
LORELAI: Can I help you with anything else?
LUKE: No, the rooms are help enough.
LORELAI: Are you sure, cause I'm dealing with my mom now and I'd be happy to rush over and help with whatever. You'd be doing me a favor.
LUKE: The rooms are all I need, thanks.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
LUKE: Well, I gotta go.
LORELAI: Call if you need anything.
LUKE: I will. By the way, that French guy's a putz.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, he knows.
LUKE: All right, see ya.
LORELAI: Bye.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street towards the diner]
RORY: It's so sad.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: Was Luke, like, shaken over his uncle dying?
LORELAI: I don't know. He's so unflappable. It's hard to tell.
RORY: The man definitely can't be flapped.
CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory walk through the door. Luke is on the phone while several customers try to get his attention.]
WOMAN: Can I get another cup of coffee?
LUKE: In a minute.
SY: Hey, is that my food?
MAN: More coffee here, too, please.
LUKE: In a minute.
SY: Is that my food?
KIRK: More coffee for me, too.
LUKE: Shut up, Kirk.
SY: Is that my food?
LUKE: Yes, Sy, that's your food.
SY: Well, can I have it?
LUKE: I'm doing all I can here, folks.
KIRK: I asked nicely.
MAN: Hey, hey, watch the cord!
LUKE: Try ducking.
KIRK: You should update to a cordless.
LORELAI: Hey, whatcha doing? Watch, watch it.
LUKE: Ah, buh buh buh. . .thanks, thanks, I'm on the phone.
LORELAI: We noticed.
LUKE: Yeah, I can't serve and be on the phone.
RORY: We noticed that, too.
LORELAI: But your reenactment of Jerry Lewis in The Diner Guy is gonna wow the critics.
RORY: Where should the poached eggs go?
LUKE: Crank in the hat.
SY: Hey, I'm not a crank! You're a crank, crank!
RORY: He is a crank.
LORELAI: And the French toast?
LUKE: Lady with the giant purse. Ah, yup.
MAN: This is not good.
LORELAI: Hey, fall back cowboy.
LUKE: Yo, whoa, whoa, whoa what are you doing?
LORELAI: Come here. Just stay on the phone and give me these. Where do they go?
LUKE: Table by the window.
LORELAI: Don't you number your tables?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: You should number your tables.
LUKE: What good would that do? If I said a number, you wouldn't know what table was what number.
LORELAI: But all restaurants number their table. You should number your tables.
LUKE: Table five, they go to table five.
LORELAI: Cool. Which one is that?
LUKE: Table by the window.
LORELAI: By the window, Elma.
RORY: Got it, Gertie.
KIRK: Hello? How 'bout that coffee?
LORELAI: I got it.
LUKE: Thanks.
KIRK: But, but mine's a quarter caf.
LORELAI: Huh?
KIRK: Three-fourths decaf, one-fourth caffeinated.
LORELAI: I four-fourths don't care.
KIRK: Fill it up.
LUKE: Sorry about this.
LORELAI: It's okay.
LUKE: Sometimes you get the world's full of people who micromanage their lives to the point where they can't wait an extra second for anything.
LORELAI: We're running out of coffee.
LUKE: I'll make some more.
LORELAI: No, I got it.
LUKE: Do you know how?
LORELAI: Do I . . . ugh. . .I am Cathy Coffee, mister, the bastard offspring of Mrs. Folger and Juan Valdez.
RORY: Hey Luke, where's Jess?
LUKE: I don't know.
RORY: School?
LUKE: Please. He's probably upstairs.
RORY: Really? Excuse me.
LUKE: It's too strong.
LORELAI: No, it's not.
LUKE: No, it's too strong.
LORELAI: You're on the phone.
LUKE: Not everybody likes it that strong.
LORELAI: Well, then I shall convert them. I am the Jehovah's coffee girl.
CUT TO UPSTAIRS
[Rory knocks on Luke's apartment door]
RORY: Jess, open up! I know you're in there.
JESS: My, aren't we bright eyed and bushy tailed.
RORY: Luke needs you downstairs.
JESS: Why?
RORY: Because he's on the phone with someone and Caesar's off today and the place is packed and he needs help.
JESS: I'll be down in a minute.
RORY: No, now.
JESS: I'm in the middle of something.
RORY: Just assume that Jeannie's gonna get Major Healey out of whatever scrape he's in.
JESS: Gee, thanks for spoiling it for me.
CUT TO THE DINER
KIRK: I need some more Equal.
LORELAI: There's one right there.
KIRK: I need seven
LORELAI: Seven? You're not squirreling these away in your pocket for home use, are you, Kirk?
KIRK: No, I use seven in my coffee.
LORELAI: Okay, good, then allow me. [pours seven Equals into his cup] There you go. Go ahead and give that a taste, see if it's to your liking.
KIRK: Okay. [takes sip] Perfection.
LORELAI: Good.
[Jess stumbles into the diner, followed by Rory]
LORELAI: Well, you're very graceful.
JESS: She pushed me.
RORY: Sue me.
JESS: I could've broken my neck.
RORY: As long as it's not your arm. We need your arm.
JESS: Despot.
LUKE: Took me twenty minutes to get pass this place's stupid busy signal, then they put me on hold forever.
LORELAI: Who's keeping you on hold?
LUKE: That mortuary in Florida where my uncle's at.
LORELAI: Florida? I thought he was in the area.
LUKE: No no, he spent most of his life here but retired to Orlando, so I gotta ship the body back here.
LORELAI: Aw, he wanted to be buried in Stars Hollow?
LUKE: Nah, my dad wanted my uncle buried in Stars Hollow right next to him.
LORELAI: That's nice.
LUKE: Well, they were really close, and Louie didn't have any wife or kids to look out for things and before my dad died, he asked me if I'd look out for him.
LORELAI: For Louie?
LUKE: Yeah, he just wanted me to make sure he got a proper funeral. You know, respectful, dignified.
LORELAI: No horseshoe carnation wreaths, got it. Good man, that dad of yours.
LUKE: And since Louie's a w*r veteran, the town Revolutionary w*r reenactors will attend the service, do the salute thing, you know. I mean, it makes me nauseous, but my dad wanted it. [on phone] Yeah, hi, I'm still here. . .Yes, the deceased is Louie Danes. . .Right. . .No, Hartford's not too far, I can do that. Thanks. [hangs up] Great, that's done. Uh, okay, I should probably go pick out a coffin before he gets here.
LORELAI: Great, go.
LUKE: I have to close up.
LORELAI: No, you don't. You're covered.
LUKE: You don't have to do this.
LORELAI: We don't mind. Go. It'll give me a chance to number all the tables.
LUKE: Be my guest.
LORELAI: Also, are they arranged like this for any particular reason?
LUKE: Don't change anything.
LORELAI: It's totally not feng shui.
LUKE: Gertie.
LORELAI: Go.
CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET
[A customer walks up to Taylor]
MRS. CASSINI: Excuse me, Taylor, where are your Brussels sprouts?
TAYLOR: My supplier was out of them this week, Mrs. Cassini. Maybe next week.
MRS. CASSINI: Oh, I wanted to make them tonight.
TAYLOR: Sorry.
MRS. CASSINI: Okay, I'll just try across the street. Thank you.
TAYLOR: You're welcome. Across the street? [goes outside] What is that?
MRS. CASSINI: It's a farmer's market. Isn't it wonderful? It just opened this morning and. . .I see sprouts!
[Taylor walks over to the farmer's market]
TAYLOR: Who's the proprietor here?
PROPRIETOR: That would be me. What can I do for you?
TAYLOR: Wait a minute, I know you. You're that long-haired freak that wanted to be town troubadour even though that weird brown-corduroy-jacket-wearing freak was already it.
PROPRIETOR: That's right, good memory! How are ya? [hugs him]
TAYLOR: Let go of me!
PROPRIETOR: Don't like to be touched, that's cool. Got a little David and Lisa thing happening? Made a mental note, no problem. Can I help you find something?
TAYLOR: I just want to know what inspired you to open a produce stand right across the street from my market.
PROPRIETOR: Oh, is that your market?
TAYLOR: Yes, that's my market.
PROPRIETOR: Well, it's real nice, homey. Bought a box of tissues there good stuff, good stuff.
MISS PATTY: Excuse me? Your parsley is it priced per bunch or per pound?
PROPRIETOR: Per pound, beautiful.
MISS PATTY: Mmm, good deal.
TAYLOR: Patty!
MISS PATTY: Oh, hi Taylor, how are you?
TAYLOR: You mean not counting the Kn*fe sticking in my back?
MISS PATTY: Oh, sure honey, whatever.
TAYLOR: There must be some mistake this just isn't right.
PROPRIETOR: It's all approved by the proper authorities. I followed the rules, it's what my father taught me. Cop for twenty years, got sh*t in the butt. Good man tips over sometimes when he sits but good man.
MRS. CASSINI: Beautiful sprouts.
PROPRIETOR: For a beautiful lady.
MRS. CASSINI: Thank you.
TAYLOR: I feel sick.
PROPRIETOR: That'll be four dollars. See ya, Mr. Doose.
TAYLOR: I wanna lie down.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Michel is at the front desk as Lorelai walks over]
MICHEL: Ah, Lorelai, good tell me about the nine rooms set aside here. There's no name anywhere that I can see, and no credit card to hold them. Mistake?
LORELAI: No, it's for Luke.
MICHEL: For who?
LORELAI: Luke from Luke's Diner.
MICHEL: Nine rooms for Luke from Luke's Diner?
LORELAI: That's right.
MICHEL: French fry convention?
LORELAI: No, just personal.
MICHEL: Milkshake symposium?
LORELAI: No Michel, it's something personal and I'm vouching for him.
MICHEL: Soda pop seminar?
LORELAI: Stop!
MICHEL: Pickle party?
LORELAI: He's got nine rooms, now stifle.
[Lorelai walks away as Emily enters the inn]
LORELAI: Oh, Mom, hi there.
EMILY: Lorelai, hello.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, did we get our signals crossed? I don't remember making an appointment with you.
EMILY: We have to make appointments to see each other?
LORELAI: No, but good one.
EMILY: I'm not here to see you.
LORELAI: Oh, this isn't about the DAR meeting?
EMILY: No, that's all ready to go. I'm here to meet with Sookie.
LORELAI: Sookie?
EMILY: I'm a little late, traffic was awful. Excuse me, would you?
CUT TO DINING ROOM
[The tables are set with fancy place settings and flowers.]
LORELAI: Oh my God.
SOOKIE: Aren't they beautiful?
LORELAI: Gorgeous. What are they for?
SOOKIE: My wedding.
LORELAI: Your wedding?
SOOKIE: Emily, hi!
EMILY: Well, is this everything I said it was?
SOOKIE: And more.
LORELAI: What do you mean they're for your wedding?
SOOKIE: Oh, it's this company's sample place setting. Emily set me up with them. They did Celine Dion's wedding, and Steven Spielberg's daughter's Jack Russell Terrier's Bark Mitzvah.
LORELAI: You're putting me on.
SOOKIE: I couldn't make that up.
EMILY: Excuse me, this one's slightly asymmetrical. Fix these.
LORELAI: Hey, um, what is with the fancy place settings? I thought you were just gonna keep it simple.
SOOKIE: It is simple.
LORELAI: It lights up.
SOOKIE: Just flip a switch, simple.
LORELAI: Tell me how my mother got so involved in all of this.
SOOKIE: She's not that involved. She just mentioned the other day when she was here that she knew some people that could make some samples of stuff for us, like table settings and flower arrangements.
LORELAI: But we were gonna do the flowers ourselves.
SOOKIE: I know, but what a hassle that would be.
LORELAI: It's to save money flowers cost a fortune.
SOOKIE: Yeah, but, the sampling of what they're doing today it's free. I'm not committed to any of this.
LORELAI: I hope not.
SOOKIE: It's true I say no, it all goes away. Not a penny is spent.
LORELAI: Okay.
SOOKIE: And it's fun.
LORELAI: I don't wanna take away your fun, I just want you to be careful. See, you've entered Emilyland.
SOOKIE: Emilyland?
LORELAI: It's an upside down world where the Horchow House is considered low-rent and diamonds less than twenty-four carats are cr*cker Jack trinkets and Bentleys are for losers who can't afford a Rolls.
SOOKIE: But I'm okay, really.
LORELAI: All right. I have to help Luke with the lunch rush today, so I gotta go.
SOOKIE: Go, we're fine.
LORELAI: Okay. Bye Mom.
EMILY: [picks up a glass] Is that a fingerprint? My God, that's a fingerprint! Who touched this? Let me see your hands!
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Taylor is sitting at a table mumbling to himself as Rory walks by]
TAYLOR: Turnips, turnips, turnips. . .
RORY: What?
TAYLOR: Huh?
RORY: What about turnips?
TAYLOR: Why did you say turnips?
RORY: Because you said turnips.
TAYLOR: No, I didn't.
RORY: I think you did.
TAYLOR: Nope.
RORY: Okay.
TAYLOR: But I've got turnips good ones, too. They're not as big as that crinite freak's turnips, but who needs bloated turnips? Mine are unassuming. I have nice, humble turnips.
RORY: Okie dokie. [walks to the counter] Taylor's wigging.
LORELAI: I know. He's been sitting there like the final days of Dick Nixon for almost an hour.
RORY: Keep an eye on him.
[a customer walks in and sits at the counter]
LORELAI: Hello there, how's it going?
CUSTOMER: Very good, young lady. You're still serving breakfast?
LORELAI: We serve it all day. What'll you have?
CUSTOMER: Two eggs up on toast.
LORELAI: Up, huh?
CUSTOMER: Yup.
LORELAI: Wouldn't you rather have them scrambled?
CUSTOMER: Nope, up's how I like them.
LORELAI: Come on, scrambled's better. Give it a sh*t. Say you want two scrambled eggs on toast, please?
CUSTOMER: Okay, young lady, two scrambled eggs on toast.
LORELAI: Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck them! That's real live diner talk, see? The wreck them is the scrambled part.
CUSTOMER: I deduced that.
TAYLOR: I don't believe it, I don't believe it!
LORELAI: What's the matter?
TAYLOR: That's Babette with an armload of rutabagas, and there's Miss Patty again since when does she eat so much fruit?
[Kirk enters the diner]
LORELAI: Hey Kirk.
KIRK: Hello. Where's Luke?
LORELAI: Oh, he's busy with some stuff so Rory and I are helping out. What can I get you?
KIRK: I don't know. I want lunch, but I'm not sure what to get.
LORELAI: I have a suggestion. How about a hamburger with some strawberry ice cream with chocolate sauce for dessert?
KIRK: Sounds good.
LORELAI: Yo, burn one, then pass me a pink stick and throw some mud on it! God, I love this business.
[The proprietor of the farmer's market enters the diner]
PROPRIETOR: Boy, it's freezing out there.
LORELAI: Yes, it's quite a cold snap. How bout a hot blonde with sand?
PROPRIETOR: Coffee with cream and sugar would be great, thanks. Make sure its' foot's out the door.
LORELAI: Put it in a cup to go, got it.
PROPRIETOR: This icy weather hasn't kept customers away, though. They just keep coming. A lot of vegetable soup being eaten tonight, yesiree. Hope I don't put the good people at Campbell's out of business. Oh, hey Taylor. Didn't notice you there.
TAYLOR: Hello.
PROPRIETOR: Taking a little break? I don't see how if you're anywhere near as busy as I am. Keep waiting for a lull, I never get one. I say to the people, hey, I'll be back in a jif' and they're look at them they're lining up out there already.
TAYLOR: Well, FYI, Van Halen hair, I'm plenty busy, but a good well-groomed businessman with properly prepared staff can take a break now and then.
KIRK: It probably helped that your store was completely d*ad, too.
TAYLOR: It was not d*ad.
KIRK: I thought it was closed when I walked by, but then I saw Gabby sitting at the cash register reading a tabloid.
TAYLOR: Shut up, Kirk.
KIRK: Tapping on the counter with one of those little astrological scrolls.
TAYLOR: Enough.
LORELAI: Here you go.
PROPRIETOR: Gracias. Oh boy, it's a mob scene. [leaves]
CUT TO UPSTAIRS
[Lorelai knocks on Luke's apartment door]
LORELAI: Luke, it's me.
[Luke opens the door]
LORELAI: Hey. I brought you a wimpy with a rose pinned on it.
LUKE: A what?
LORELAI: Turkey burger with onions.
LUKE: Oh, thanks. Come on in.
LORELAI: How's the money pit coming?
LUKE: Oh, just uh. . .that's it.
LORELAI: What's the matter?
LUKE: Nothing. None of them are coming not a one.
LORELAI: Who?
LUKE: My relatives the ones I booked all the rooms for not one is coming to Louie's funeral.
LORELAI: You're kidding why?
LUKE: I don't know, which lame-o excuse do you wanna hear first? A bunch of them claimed they can't get outta work.
LORELAI: It's not so lame-o.
LUKE: Randy and Barbara don't wanna miss their brat kid's rugby semifinal.
LORELAI: Rugby has semifinals?
LUKE: My sister never even called back. My cousins Paul and Jim, who my dad helped put through college, said they were too exhausted from a fishing trip. And slightly disturbed cousin Franny said she can't leave because her Petey's sick.
LORELAI: Son?
LUKE: Parrot.
LORELAI: Petey the parrot?
LUKE: I saw the stupid thing once on a visit, flapping its wings like crazy, banging around, squawking the only two words it knows over and over Petey and gorgeous. Gorgeous, Petey, gorgeous, Petey!
LORELAI: That's disturbing.
LUKE: My family's disturbing.
LORELAI: I'm so sorry.
LUKE: This is wrong, this is not how it's done. A family member dies, you pay your respects period.
LORELAI: Look at it this way if they don't wanna be there, you don't want them there.
LUKE: My dad wanted them to be there.
LORELAI: I know. But hey, Louie lived in Stars Hollow most of his life, so a lot of people from here will be there, right?
LUKE: Right.
LORELAI: I know it's upsetting, but maybe it's better this way.
LUKE: Yeah, I guess. I really hate that bird.
[Rory walks into the apartment]
RORY: Hey Mom?
LORELAI: What's up, honey? You got a herd of bulls shopping for China?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Customers how long have you owned a diner?
RORY: Sorry. Jackson's outside, he wants to talk to you, he says it's important.
LORELAI: About what?
RORY: I don't know. He seems upset.
LORELAI: Ah. All right. You okay?
LUKE: Yeah, thanks.
LORELAI: You might wanna study up on that diner talk.
LUKE: I'll do that tonight.
RORY: Hey Luke, where's Jess?
LUKE: I don't know, he's probably out playing basketball or something.
RORY: That little punk.
CUT TO DINER
[Lorelai walks down from upstairs and stops at the counter to help a customer]
LORELAI: Oh, hey, uh, can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: Yes, uh, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich, no mayo.
LORELAI: Yo, uh, I need a piggy piggy with a green bla. . .uh, green bed, green blanket. . . BLT, no mayo! Rats.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai walks out of the diner over to Jackson]
LORELAI: Jackson?
JACKSON: I'm a miserable man.
LORELAI: What's up?
JACKSON: Remember that sweet, simple, affordable little wedding Sookie and I agreed on with minimal disagreement no disagreement, in fact perhaps the first time in the history of wedding planning that a couple agreed one hundred percent on everything?
LORELAI: Yes.
JACKSON: Gone. Ancient history. It's the Library of Alexandria, it's the Colossus of Roads, it's Pop Rocks, it's over, and do you know why?
LORELAI: My mother?
JACKSON: Look! [points to Sookie and Emily near the gazebo]
LORELAI: What are they doing?
JACKSON: They're measuring the town.
LORELAI: They're what?
JACKSON: They're measuring the entire town with tape measures.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
JACKSON: Your mother got hers at Neiman Marcus. It's platinum with gold leaf it costs more than my car!
LORELAI: I am so sorry.
JACKSON: Look, I love Sookie and I want her to have what she wants, but . . . you see what they're doing now?
LORELAI: Yeah.
JACKSON: According to their diagrams, that's where the sixteen-piece orchestra goes.
LORELAI: How are they gonna fit a sixteen-piece orchestra in the gazebo?
JACKSON: Oh, they wanna move the gazebo.
LORELAI: What?
JACKSON: A gazebo that's been there for a hundred years and they wanna move it. Who moves a gazebo? What kind of twisted mind even thinks about moving a gazebo?
LORELAI: Okay, I'll take care of this.
JACKSON: She's so excited.
LORELAI: She's brainwashed. She's Patricia Hearst and my mother is the SLA.
JACKSON: I just hope it's not too late.
LORELAI: I hope so, too.
[Rory walks by, pulling Jess behind her]
JESS: Watch the shirt!
RORY: Cork it!
CUT TO THE DANCE STUDIO
[Taylor is at the podium leading a town meeting]
MISS PATTY: Well, it seems the right thing to do, Taylor.
TAYLOR: I concur. When one gazes at Stars Hollow, one can easily overlook a vital component of its beauty and that's the humble yet spunky twinkle light.
JESS: Holy cow.
LUKE: It doesn't get fruitier.
TAYLOR: Harry's House of Twinkle Lights has been an integral part of this time for twenty years, so it's only right that we honor his retirement. So I hereby designate next Tuesday, Harry the Twinkle Light Man from Harry's House of Twinkle Lights Day.
JESS: Well, that just trips off the tongue.
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
TAYLOR: Late again, are we?
LORELAI: Yes, I hope I'm not pregnant!
TAYLOR: What?
LORELAI: Are these seats taken?
LUKE: Don't drag me into this.
TAYLOR: You really have to work on your punctuality, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half an hour ago.
LORELAI: Uh, dirty!
TAYLOR: I'm gonna take advantage of this unexpected pause in our proceedings to confer with Miss Patty about the next item on our agenda.
LORELAI: What'd we miss?
LUKE: Harry's retiring.
RORY: The twinkle light man?
LORELAI: What do we do for twinkle lights?
LUKE: Go to any discount store?
LORELAI: Blasphemy.
RORY: What are you doing here anyhow? This is a town meeting for people who participate in and care about the town.
JESS: Well, Corky's Country Cavalcade on public access was pre-empted, so I thought I'd check out the next best thing.
LORELAI: I'm surprised you have time to be here.
LUKE: I don't, but I haven't been able to get any of the w*r reenactors on the phone and I have to confirm them for Louie's funeral.
TAYLOR: All right now, the last order of business is a matter relating personally to me, therefore I'm going to give Miss Patty my gavel.
LORELAI: Again, dirty!
TAYLOR: Stop that. Now don't go power mad.
MISS PATTY: Oh, all right, gee. Now the chair recognizes Taylor Doose. Taylor, you have the floor.
TAYLOR: Thank you, Patty. My issue, ladies and gentlemen, is in the form of a grievance against this hirsute hippie who opened a produce stand in the park.
BABETTE: Oh yeah, k*ller veggies.
SY: Tasty.
MISS PATTY: The squash is beautiful.
BABETTE: Sexy it's sexy squash.
TAYLOR: Sexy or not, I demand that this man produce his permit post haste.
PROPRIETOR: Got it right here.
TAYLOR: Mm hmm, just what I thought. This is not the proper permit for this kind of business. This is a type twenty-four B, otherwise known as a cart, kiosk, cart, kiosk permit. This is not valid for your business.
PROPRIETOR: Why'd you say it twice?
TAYLOR: Hmm?
BABETTE: You said cart, kiosk, cart, kiosk.
LORELAI: It's repetitive.
RORY: And redundant.
LORELAI: It's repetitive.
RORY: And redundant.
LORELAI: We certainly are entertaining, Mac.
RORY: Indubitably, Tosh.
TAYLOR: It's not redundant. It's three separate things. It's a cart, a kiosk, and a mechanical hybrid referred to as a cart-slash-kiosk, hence cart, kiosk, cart/kiosk.
BABETTE: He did it again.
KIRK: He's been stressed lately. His store is deserted.
TAYLOR: I'll make it simple. This is for businesses that roll in in the morning and roll out at night. Emphasis on the word roll rolling businesses, businesses that roll.
PROPRIETOR: But I carry my tables out at night.
TAYLOR: But you're supposed to roll them, Rapunzel, and carrying isn't rolling, is it? I mean, did anyone hear the word rolling come out of his mouth? Check the transcript, I think you'll find one word missing rolling!
MISS PATTY: Transcript?
LORELAI: Yeah, Taylor, this isn't Charlie Rose.
BABETTE: He's losing his marbles.
ANDREW: It's just a personal vendetta.
KIRK: His store is deserted.
MISS PATTY: I think that we should end the meeting right here, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Wait a second, wait a second! You there, when Lady Godiva here wanted to be town troubadour over you, I stood by your side. Why aren't you backing me now?
TROUBADOUR: Cause you left me twistin' for a long time before you did, Taylor, and it didn't feel good. I even wrote a song about the experience.
LORELAI: Oh, I heard it. It's called "Taylor Left Me Twistin'."
RORY: Oh yeah, it's really good.
TROUBADOUR: You think? Because I'm having a little trouble with the chorus. Taylor left me twistin', he set my eyes a mistin'. I'm just not sure if it has that thing, though, you know?
LORELAI: Oh, no, I love that part. I actually thought that maybe at the end you could do more about the sweater. We'll talk.
MISS PATTY: I'm gonna wrap this up.
TAYLOR: Now, Patty, how would you feel if this guy decided to open the long-haired freak school of dance or the long-haired freak diner, Luke? Or the long-haired freak bookstore? It's not good, right?
MISS PATTY: All right, everybody who agrees that we would not feel good about that, say aye.
ALL: Aye!
MISS PATTY: Meeting adjourned, goodnight.
LORELAI: Another fun one!
LUKE: Taylor, hold on a sec!
RORY: [to Jess] Don't you have some cleaning up to do over at the diner?
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[As people exit the meeting, Luke runs over to Taylor and the other reenactors]
LUKE: Guys, hold it, come on, you heard me calling you, stop!
TAYLOR: What is it, Luke?
LUKE: What do you mean, what is it? My Uncle Louie's funeral is tomorrow afternoon and I haven't heard from any of you. The man was a World w*r II veteran, that's what you reenactor freaks do you go to vet's funerals, so you're gonna be there, right? Hello?
TAYLOR: You said you were gonna talk to him, Sy.
SY: Bert said he was gonna do it.
BERT: It's Taylor's job.
SY: You always pass the buck.
LUKE: Talk to me about what, guys?
TAYLOR: You might as well know, Luke. We don't wanna go to Louie's funeral.
LUKE: What?
ANDREW: We all hated Louie.
LUKE: Oh, come on, that's not true.
TAYLOR: He always had a scowl on his face, not a kind word for anybody. He would light those hideous cigars, blow smoke in people's faces and then spit after each puff.
SY: He was disgusting.
ANDREW: And mean.
KIRK: He kicked my dog when I was a kid.
SY: He h*t on my wife repeatedly.
KIRK: Toto was always different after that.
SY: My wife was much affected as well.
KIRK: I'd toss her something to fetch and she'd start to run after it and halfway there she'd forget what she was doing.
SY: She never enjoyed her soap operas the same after that.
KIRK: She'd just lie down and go to sleep.
LUKE: This is an exaggeration.
BERT: We're not exaggerating. We threw a big party when he left town!
SY: I made love to my life that night like I never have.
KIRK: My Toto barked a happy bark, then quietly stopped breathing. She was old.
LUKE: I don't believe this.
ANDREW: Come on, Luke. You knew the guy.
LUKE: This man was my uncle, okay, and a w*r veteran. He deserves a veteran's funeral, but hey, if you guys are too lazy to show up, then. . .
TAYLOR: He's the lazy one. Never once did he participate in a town function. In fact, when we reenactors gathered, he'd throw things at us.
SY: And not soft things, hard things.
BERT: Rocks, and small tools.
LUKE: Okay, I've heard enough.
SY: And he got meaner as he got older. Never married, never had kids.
BERT: A real loner.
LUKE: To hell with you guys, who needs you! I might just throw rocks and small tools at you myself next time I see ya!
TAYLOR: A defensive hothead, just like Louie!
BERT: They're practically clones.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Sookie is sitting in front of a computer and Michel is looking over her shoulder as Lorelai walks in]
SOOKIE: Oh my God, this is so hi-tech.
LORELAI: Hey. What's going on?
SOOKIE: I'm downloading wedding stuff from Prague.
LORELAI: Oh, you're kidding.
SOOKIE: It's streaming in right now. That's Internet talk streaming. Did you know that? And did you know it's not called Czechoslovakia anymore? It's just Czech Republic. Slovakia is its own separate thing. It's weird, isn't it? It's like if we just suddenly started saying there's no more Connecticut, it's just Connec. . . Ticut.
LORELAI: Sookie, what are you downloading from Prague?
MICHEL: Oh, this will much amuse you.
SOOKIE: Color samples for the big ceramic stands.
LORELAI: Big ceramic stands for what?
SOOKIE: For the giant papier-mâché mushrooms.
LORELAI: What are the papier-mâché mushrooms for?
SOOKIE: For the midgets dressed like angels to dance under, silly.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
SOOKIE: Emily found the best papier-mâché mushroom maker in Paris. He's much better than the guy that makes them in Belgium what a hack.
LORELAI: Sookie, honey, I need you stop staring and streaming for one second. We need to talk.
MICHEL: Please, please do not talk her out of these things. I do not want to die without seeing midgets dancing with a mushroom.
LORELAI: Stay out of this.
MICHEL: Oh, you're no fun.
SOOKIE: What is it honey?
LORELAI: The danger of Emilyworld is that you don't always know you're in it, when actually you are.
SOOKIE: Aw, not this Emilyworld stuff again
LORELAI: Sookie, have you run the numbers on any of this? What is this costing you?
SOOKIE: I don't know the full cost but your mother is getting me fifty percent off everything. She is so connected.
LORELAI: Okay, but fifty percent off a load of money is still half a load of money. You don't have half a load to spend.
SOOKIE: Well, if I scrimp I can afford a quarter load.
LORELAI: That's still too much.
SOOKIE: Well, your mother said she'd chip in a little.
LORELAI: Sookie, that is way, way, way inappropriate.
SOOKIE: I didn't take her up on it but it was nice.
LORELAI: Sookie, this isn't you, the midgets and the mushrooms and God knows what else. And it isn't Jackson either.
SOOKIE: What do you mean?
LORELAI: We talked.
SOOKIE: You and Jackson talked?
LORELAI: I'm sorry but he came to me all upset, and I love you Sookie and I love him too and it just seemed like it was time for me to meddle.
SOOKIE: He was upset?
LORELAI: He was pretty upset.
SOOKIE: Why didn't he just talk to me?
LORELAI: Because he's Jackson, he wants you to be happy and to give you everything you want. So what it comes down to is is this what you want?
SOOKIE: Well, maybe the midgets are a little over the top. And the mushrooms. . . oh my God, it's all sounding so silly now.
LORELAI: You're coming out of it, keep going.
SOOKIE: No, no, it's not what I want! We were supposed to keep this nice and simple. God, we had it all worked out.
LORELAI: So go back.
SOOKIE: I will go back. That is, if Jackson still wants to marry me.
LORELAI: Of course he still wants to marry you.
SOOKIE: I'm gonna call him and I'm gonna tell him it's all changing back.
LORELAI: Good.
[Lorelai's cell phone rings]
SOOKIE: Ooh, I should call and cancel some stuff first. I've gotta call Belgium and Oslo and, uh, oh, Copenhagen, Bora Bora.
LORELAI: What did you order from there?
SOOKIE: I'm gonna shield you from that one.
LORELAI: Thanks. [answers phone] Hello?. . .Luke!. . . Slow down, slow down. . . Okay, I'll come right over. [hangs up] I gotta go. Call, call, and welcome back, friend.
SOOKIE: Thanks. Ooh, I'm gonna start with Hong Kong. I'm hoping those acrobats can get another gig.
CUT TO FUNERAL HOME
[Luke is waiting impatiently near a casket as Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: There you are. What .
LUKE: It won't close.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: The lid.
LORELAI: To what? [sees casket] Oh, hello. . . Louie.
LUKE: That's Louie.
LORELAI: Nice tan. So, now, you say the lid won't close?
LUKE: Yes, the lid won't close.
LORELAI: Did you buy the right size?
LUKE: Of course I bought the right size.
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It's the model we recommend for those of medium height and weight.
LUKE: And he's of medium height and weight.
LORELAI: So then why won't it close?
LUKE: Because of the stuff.
LORELAI: What stuff?
LUKE: The stuff. He left a list of stuff he wanted buried with him.
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It's not uncommon.
LUKE: It's a very long list. His fishing reel, bowling trophy, a flask, his antique dueling p*stol, his copy of Sherman's Memoirs.
LORELAI: So is all the stuff in there now?
LUKE: Yes, it is. I shoved it in the best I could but now it won't close which defeats the entire purpose of having a damn casket in the first place.
LORELAI: May I?
LUKE: Give it a sh*t.
[Lorelai tries to push the lid close, but it pops back up]
LORELAI: Whoa!
LUKE: The football signed by Johnny Unitas gives it that bounce.
LORELAI: What if we moved the gas mask and the pith helmet down towards the feet?
LUKE: That end already has every baseball card he ever bought, thousands of them.
LORELAI: Oh, bungee cord! No. Um, what if we got some people from the office here, you know, accounting or whatever, to sit on the lid and then we could latch it? Do you have anybody you could spring. . .hm. I'm out of ideas.
LUKE: So am I. You know what, to hell with this. To hell with this!
LORELAI: Luke, now come on.
LUKE: I can't deal with this anymore!
LORELAI: Well, it has to be dealt with.
LUKE: No, it doesn't. It's not as if he deserves my help or my respect.
LORELAI: The man was your uncle.
LUKE: He was a jerk!
LORELAI: Don't say that.
LUKE: No, no, Taylor and the guys were right. I was cutting Louie slack out of respect for my dad, but the man was rotten and mean and selfish all his life. For God's sake, he's even selfish in death. Other people would've loved to have had those baseball cards. I would've loved to have those baseball cards. He's got Lou Gehrig's rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others but no! My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife with him!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Sir, your voice.
LUKE: I'm done, I've had it. From now on, it's just the bare minimum and that's it. Dig a big hole and just dump the casket in unlatched. If stuff falls out, fine. Just pile on enough dirt and make sure nothing's showing! [leaves]
LORELAI: I'm assuming that wouldn't be appropriate either?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: No.
LORELAI: I didn't think so.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Jess is walking around the tables refilling coffee]
CUSTOMER: Young man, where's the young lady we've heard so much about who's using those delightful old diner phrases to place people's orders? It sounds so fun. Could you point her out for us?
JESS: No. [walks to counter] That's everyone. I'll be upstairs.
RORY: Thanks for doing the very least you could possibly do.
JESS: You're welcome.
[Luke enters the diner]
LORELAI: Luke, there you are. I was worried.
LUKE: Yeah, sorry, I should've called. Thanks for covering again. This'll be the last time, I promise.
LORELAI: It's okay. Where were you?
LUKE: Well, at first, I walked around a bunch, ya know, just trying to clear my head. Saw a lot of Hartford and what a cesspool.
LORELAI: Well, you're not a city man.
LUKE: Then I calmed down after awhile and I figured dumping Louie's body in an open grave with all his stuff probably would be a little cold.
LORELAI: Just a tad.
LUKE: So I got a Yellow Pages and I found the Big and Tall Casket Shop in Hartford.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
LUKE: Nope, I found a casket that would fit my hundred and sixty pound uncle and his hundred and forty pounds of stuff, got the lid to shut the first time we tried it, so the funeral's on as scheduled.
LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: I still don't know why I'm doing this.
LORELAI: You're doing it for your dad.
LUKE: Yeah, I guess. Although he's d*ad so he'd never know if I was doing it any different.
LORELAI: He knows. He's got the big Luke picture screen on twenty four hours a day and he watches and smiles. And you're doing it cause you're you.
LUKE: Hey, I'm gonna change real fast and you can retire from your diner career forever.
LORELAI: Oh no, it's fun. I came up with some new diner phrases. Do you know what a Lucky Duck Cluck is?
LUKE: Not offhand.
LORELAI: It's foie gras with chicken and green shamrock frosting.
LUKE: Why would anyone ever order that?
LORELAI: If they're high. [sees Emily enter the diner] Ugh, good grief.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Bad vibe sandwich just came in, better retreat.
LUKE: I won't be long. [goes upstairs]
LORELAI: Hi Mom.
EMILY: Since when do you work here?
LORELAI: I'm just lending a hand. What's going on?
EMILY: I went by the inn to work with Sookie on her wedding.
LORELAI: Yeah?
EMILY: And she fired me.
LORELAI: I'm sure she didn't f*re you.
EMILY: She claims to have changed her mind on all the things we had planned.
LORELAI: Well, maybe she did.
EMILY: No, she didn't. I know what's behind this. That is, who's behind this.
LORELAI: Mom, it was getting to be too much for her and too much for her fiancé.
EMILY: I knew it.
LORELAI: Mom, these are not wealthy people, do you understand that? They're saving for a home and your midgets were dancing between them and their dreams.
EMILY: You say midgets like it's so absurd.
LORELAI: Do you hear yourself?
EMILY: I don't see what was so wrong with my just helping Sookie plan her wedding.
LORELAI: Mom, come on.
EMILY: What, come on?
LORELAI: You weren't planning Sookie's wedding.
EMILY: Well, then, whose wedding was I planning?
LORELAI: Mine.
EMILY: Don't be ridiculous.
LORELAI: Mom, your vision for this wedding and all the over the top stuff and the gazillion dollar flowers and bunting and champagne fountain and the Haute Couture dress who's wearing that wedding dress in your mind's eye, Mom? Is it Sookie or is it me?
EMILY: I wasn't planning your wedding, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Right.
EMILY: The wedding I was planning was for Sookie. The mushrooms and colors, they all seemed like fun. A little crazy, just like she is. It definitely was not for you.
LORELAI: Okay Mom.
EMILY: I know that in a million years, you would never let me plan your wedding. I gave up on that dream a long time ago. Yours was going to be a Russian winter theme the Romanovs.
LORELAI: Before the f*ring squad, I assume?
EMILY: Snow white roses, trees with white lights and candles, snow everywhere, you arriving in a silver sleigh with white horses.
LORELAI: Wow.
EMILY: You hate the idea.
LORELAI: No, no, I just .
EMILY: You just hate it.
LORELAI: No, it just doesn't seem like me.
EMILY: Yes, well, it would've been beautiful.
LORELAI: I'm sure it would've been.
EMILY: Anyhow, it's obvious that wouldn't even be appropriate anymore being as I'm probably standing in your reception hall.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
EMILY: Burgers and fries for the dinner? The bride walks down the aisle with a ketchup dispenser in her hand.
LORELAI: Please tell me what you're talking about.
EMILY: I'm talking about Luke.
LORELAI: Luke? Mom!
EMILY: Well, it's obvious, Lorelai.
LORELAI: No, it's not, Mom.
EMILY: You're with him constantly.
LORELAI: He feeds me.
EMILY: You bring up his name constantly.
LORELAI: Once again, he feeds me.
EMILY: The moment he calls, you run to his side.
LORELAI: He's my friend, he needed me, I had to be there.
EMILY: Yes, I know you did.
[Luke comes down the stairs and walks over to them]
LUKE: Hi.
EMILY: Hello. I have to go. I'll see you for dinner tonight, Lorelai. And Luke, I'm sure I'll see you again soon. What do you think of the Romanovs?
LUKE: They probably had it coming.
EMILY: A match made in heaven.
CUT TO CEMETERY
[Lorelai and Luke are alone at the funeral]
REVEREND: We're here, of course, to honor Louie, to pay our respects and to bid him a sorrowful goodbye.
LORELAI: Are you okay?
LUKE: Yeah. I'm not big on funerals in general.
LORELAI: Nobody is.
REVEREND: He passed away in his sleep, so the end came peacefully for Louie, which I'm sure is a great comfort to all who knew him.
LUKE: The passing away part was a great comfort for all who knew him.
REVEREND: I didn't know him.
LUKE: Good thing.
REVEREND: But I understand he was a fine man, destined to be missed by many.
LUKE: Especially ones that were suing him.
LORELAI: Stop. Sorry father.
REVEREND: Reverend.
LORELAI: Right.
REVEREND: Now let us witness Louie Danes as he is interred and brought to the Lord.
LORELAI: It was a nice service. Nice and, um, intimate.
LUKE: I guess everybody deserves something at the end. Thanks for coming.
LORELAI: I wouldn't have missed it.
LUKE: That ain't me, is it?
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
LUKE: What Taylor said about me being like Louie, a loner, never being married and stuff. I mean, I am getting crankier as I get older, he's not so far off.
LORELAI: You are not your uncle. I mean, would Louie ever build someone a chuppah, or help fix things around someone's house without being asked, or make a special coffee cake with balloons for a girl's sixteenth birthday?
LUKE: Rory told you about that?
LORELAI: Yes. And would Louie have taken in his sister's kid without hesitating and without asking for anything in return?
LUKE: No one would've trusted Louie with their kid. He probably would've forgotten to feed him or something.
LORELAI: You get my point?
LUKE: Yeah, I get it. [he hears drumming] What's that? [he sees one of the reenactors walking onto the cemetery] Is that Andrew?
LORELAI: I believe it is.
[the other reenactors arrive]
LUKE: That's all of them.
[The reenactors start doing their salute]
LUKE: Thanks.
LORELAI: It's what your dad wanted.
LUKE: Yeah. Oh, I know Louie would've hated this.
LORELAI: That's just a fringe benefit.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Luke and Lorelai are walking toward the diner]
LORELAI: Do you think he's in heaven?
LUKE: I hope so, just so my dad can kick his butt around the place.
LORELAI: Can you kick when you're in heaven?
LUKE: It's probably frowned upon.
LORELAI: Yeah, plus you're all see-through and gauzy and your dad's foot could go right through him.
LUKE: This is a silly conversation. What's all this?
LORELAI: I have no idea.
CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S DINER
[Luke and Lorelai walk into the diner, which is packed with people]
LORELAI: Hi.
LUKE: What's going on?
RORY: It's kind of like a wake.
LUKE: A wake?
LORELAI: For Louie?
RORY: I thought you set it up
LORELAI: I didn't set it up.
RORY: Well, it's going well, anyway. People brought a ton of food if you're hungry.
LORELAI: Huh.
LUKE: This is unexpected.
LORELAI: Very.
LUKE: Don't you have wakes for people you like?
LORELAI: I think it might be for you.
LUKE: Am I d*ad?
LORELAI: Face it, Luke, people like you.
LUKE: Shut up.
LORELAI: And with charm like that, how can they resist?
[The farmer's market proprietor walks up to Taylor]
PROPRIETOR: Hey Taylor, cool threads. Very "One if By Land."
TAYLOR: Mm hmm.
PROPRIETOR: I see you're digging into the vegetables.
TAYLOR: Thanks for the play by play.
PROPRIETOR: Brought those myself. Hey, how was the funeral?
TAYLOR: Shouldn't you be tending to your little stand out there, friend?
PROPRIETOR: Oh, the stand's gone.
TAYLOR: What?
PROPRIETOR: It's gone, I'm all packed up, I'm outta here.
TAYLOR: I don't get it.
PROPRIETOR: I just grow all that stuff in my back yard and as of yesterday, sold it all.
TAYLOR: You sold it all?
PROPRIETOR: Sold it all, made enough money to do some traveling. Have you ever been to Israel? Turbulent, I know, but I thought I'd go down and try to plant some peace down there, know what I mean? See if it grows and see if it spreads.
TAYLOR: Shut up. Why did you put me through all that hoohah at the town meeting if your vegetable business was just temporary?
PROPRIETOR: Actually, you put yourself through it, Taylor. You put yourself through it.
[Rory walks over to Jess]
RORY: Nice spread.
JESS: People have too much free time in this town.
RORY: You did a good thing.
JESS: What do you mean?
RORY: I thought my mom set this up. Turns out she didn't.
JESS: So? Wasn't me.
RORY: It wasn't?
JESS: Nah, no way. It wasn't me.
RORY: If you say so.
JESS: Look, the crazy ballet teacher called and asked when Luke was getting back from the funeral, if I could unlock the door. I came down, I unlocked the door, then went back upstairs and back to sleep.
RORY: So you did do a little something.
JESS: I unlocked the door.
RORY: So that people could come in here and put this together. Nice.
JESS: Nice for them, not for me.
RORY: You facilitated it, you made it happen, so I guess that means that you're officially apart of our town now.
JESS: Hey, wait a minute.
RORY: Welcome.
JESS: I am not part of this town.
RORY: See you for some tree planting over at the Arbor Day Festival, buddy.
JESS: Yeah, well maybe I can knock over a liquor store while everyone else is planting those stupid trees.
RORY: As long as it's a liquor store in town, neighbor.
[Rory walks over to a table where people are telling stories about Louie]
SY: So, like I say, it's Halloween, right, and we're lucky Louie doesn't have razor wire around his yard, you know how he is. So finally one of the neighborhood kids, he gets all courageous and he goes sauntering up to the door and he goes trick or treat!' Louie finally throws the door open, looks at him and says, Did you get a Reese's cup tonight?' And the kid looks in his bag and he says, Yes sir, I did.' So Louie grabs it, says thank you very much!,' then slams the door in his face.
LORELAI: I'm sorry I never met him.
LUKE: He was colorful.
KIRK: I never trick or treated again.
MISS PATTY: So one day I'm at the post office, I'm in line when Louie just about knocks me over and he cuts in line. I said, Louie, there's a line!' So he says, Kiss my butt!' and I said, You mind your manners!' and he says, Please kiss my butt!' and drops his pants!
BABETTE: Oh, I got one, I got one. Louie was parked outside Al's Pancake World, and I was trying to pull in the space behind him, when all of a sudden, he starts to back up, so I honk my horn and he it was just a little honk, no big deal but he . . .
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x17 - d*ad Uncles and Vegetables"} | foreverdreaming |
2.18 - Back in the Saddle Again
written by Linda Loiselle Guzik
directed by Kevin Dowling
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory and Emily are sitting at the table staring at the food.]
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: No.
LORELAI: We're starving.
EMILY: We're waiting for your father.
LORELAI: It's gonna get cold.
EMILY: We are waiting for your father.
LORELAI: We've been waiting forever.
EMILY: We have not been waiting forever.
LORELAI: Forever. Godot was just here. He said I ain't waiting for Richard,' grabbed a roll, and left. It's been forever.
EMILY: When we gather as a family, we eat as a family. We don't eat in shifts you know that and Richard certainly knows that.
RORY: When did he get that antique car anyhow?
EMILY: A couple of horrible weeks ago.
LORELAI: What happened to the oil painting hobby of his?
EMILY: Ah, you know your father. When he couldn't foresee rivaling Cezanne, he lost interest so he bought that car. Lorelai!
[Lorelai spits out the piece of candy she was about to eat]
LORELAI: Mom, it's not dinner, it's just my private stash.
EMILY: It's eating and we're not eating.
LORELAI: You know, you're bound by the rules of the Geneva Convention, Mother, just like everyone else. Hey, no one told me it was casual Friday.
RICHARD: Hello everyone. You haven't started?
EMILY: Of course we haven't started, we were waiting for you. I thought you were almost done.
RICHARD: Well, I was but this car has a mind of its own. As I turned to leave it began spraying some sort of green solution at me.
RORY: Yuck.
RICHARD: Yuck, indeed. Well, go on, start.
LORELAI: Ooh!
RICHARD: No sense in waiting for me.
LORELAI: Coolness!
EMILY: Stop!
LORELAI: Gomer said!
EMILY: We are waiting for you, Richard. In thirtyfive years, I have never ever started a dinner without you unless you were out of town or seriously ill. Elsa, take everything away and keep it warm! Now please go upstairs and get ready so we can all enjoy a nice family dinner. . .together.
RICHARD: I'll be right back.
LORELAI: Right back, Dad, like right back. In fact, change on the way upstairs. And make it a Navy shower quick soap, quick rinse and no excessive posing! Hungry.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Rory and Lorelai walk through the door]
LORELAI: Hey there. Anywhere?
LUKE: Anywhere you want.
LORELAI: Could you move please?
CUSTOMER: What?
LUKE: Anywhere where there's not people.
LORELAI: Oh, well, like I'm a mind reader. I was just joking. Hmm, that's funny.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Something's different here, something's changed.
RORY: Impossible.
LORELAI: No, I swear, there's something.
RORY: You know, I'd be very disappointed if something changed in here.
LORELAI: Why are you so anti-change?
RORY: Because most change sucks.
LORELAI: That's true, it does. Uh! The chalkboard!
RORY: What about it?
LORELAI: Luke's special omelet. That is brand new.
RORY: A new special? His four-slice French toast has been up there since I was born!
LORELAI: You just gotta let that go, baby.
LUKE: What can I get you?
LORELAI: You have a new special.
LUKE: I sure do.
LORELAI: Nice. What is the special omelet?
LUKE: You won't like it.
LORELAI: How do you know?
LUKE: Because you've been eating here for years and I know what you like, and you won't like it.
LORELAI: Can I at least hear what it is?
LUKE: Fine. It's three eggs with bits of bacon.
LORELAI: I like bacon.
LUKE: Cubed tomatoes.
LORELAI: Sounds good.
LUKE: Swiss cheese and a dash of oregano.
LORELAI: A dash, he says.
LUKE: I've got other customers here.
LORELAI: I'm gonna go with the special omelet.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: With a side of bacon.
LUKE: There's bacon in the omelet.
LORELAI: Oh, then skip the bacon.
LUKE: The side of bacon?
LORELAI: The bacon in the omelet.
LUKE: Hold the bacon.
LORELAI: Can I get Jack cheese?
LUKE: On the side?
LORELAI: Instead of Swiss, Swiss is so stringy.
LUKE: Fine, Jack cheese.
LORELAI: Also, I think I'm allergic to oregano so hold that, too, and some coffee.
LUKE: So, just the eggs, tomatoes, and Jack cheese.
LORELAI: Not too many tomatoes.
LUKE: Light on the tomatoes.
LORELAI: Very light, just a teeny-tiny amount, practically none.
LUKE: I'm skipping the tomatoes. It's an omelet with Jack cheese.
LORELAI: Perfect.
LUKE: You did this on purpose.
LORELAI: Did what?
RORY: French toast for me. That was cruel.
LORELAI: I know. Look how hard he worked on that sign and everything. Look at the handwriting, it's so precise, so determined. It's focused-Luke.
RORY: That's Jess' handwriting.
LORELAI: Really? How do you know Jess' writing?
RORY: Oh, well, I lent him a book and he wrote some stuff in it.
LORELAI: He vandalized one of your books?
RORY: No, he didn't vandalize it. He wrote in the margins, thoughts and stuff.
LORELAI: Like what, like play basketball, eat a sandwich stuff like that?
RORY: No, stuff, like margin stuff. People like Mark Twain wrote in margins.
LORELAI: Pilot a steamboat, write Huckleberry Finn?
RORY: Forget it.
LORELAI: No, no, I'm sure margin writing is very common. Oh, hey, you didn't tell me Dean was joining us.
RORY: Dean?
LORELAI: Hey.
DEAN: Hi.
RORY: What are you doing here?
DEAN: I just dropped by to say hello.
RORY: How'd you know we were here?
DEAN: Cause you're always here.
RORY: We're not always here.
LORELAI: Uh, do you wanna eat with us, Dean?
DEAN: Rory?
RORY: Huh?
DEAN: Is that okay?
RORY: Yes. Oh, yes, you don't have to ask.
LORELAI: Hey, we're three.
LUKE: I did the math. You gonna eat something?
DEAN: Sure, yeah, I'll take the special omelet, I guess.
LUKE: You put him up to this?
LORELAI: No, I did not!
LUKE: Sure. You don't even know what's in it.
DEAN: I'm not picky.
LUKE: So you'll send it back after I make it?
DEAN: No.
LUKE: Right. I'll come back when I've got time for this.
DEAN: What was that all about?
LORELAI: I think it was a little something in your attitude, mister.
CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM
[The students are sitting in several separate groups around the classroom]
RORY: So is everything in the materials clear to everyone?
CHIP: Pretty much.
LOUISE: Oh, were we reading these now?
RORY: Yeah, that's why we've all been kind of quiet for the past ten minutes.
LOUISE: I thought it was, like, prayer time or something.
PARIS: Good grief.
MADELINE: I'm still reading mine.
PARIS: What?
MADELINE: I read slow so I don't miss anything.
PARIS: It's not the Bhagavad Gita, Madeline. It's simple instructions for the business fair.
LOUISE: Someone's not taking to Elba too kindly.
PARIS: What does that mean?
LOUISE: Just that Rory's the leader of this group, Napoleon, and you're not.
PARIS: Excuse me, leader? You wanna lead here, you've got anarchy.
RORY: I'm just enjoying the show.
BRAD: Hi, I think this is my group.
RORY: Brad, hey.
BRAD: Oh, you remember me.
RORY: Of course I do.
BRAD: Cool.
RORY: So you're back at Chilton now?
BRAD: Oh, yeah. My psychiatrist convinced my parents that I should face my fears instead of running away from them and my rabbi agreed, so here I am.
RORY: Well, nice to have you back. Take a seat.
BRAD: Paris. Her name is Paris, right?
RORY: Brad, let me catch you up here. There's going to be an intra-school business fair in three weeks. Each group has to come up with a consumer product that's geared toward high school kids.
BRAD: Neat.
RORY: So we pick our product and we make a prototype of it, then we use our imaginary million dollar budget to mass produce, market, and distribute it, and we'll present all of this at the fair.
BRAD: Cool.
PARIS: Hey Brad? Your festive interjections are a real kick in the pants, but we're low on time, so can it.
RORY: That's it. In two days we're going to reconvene and pitch product ideas.
LOUISE: Class dismissed?
PARIS: Whoa whoa whoa, we haven't even discussed business advisors.
RORY: Right. We're supposed to get a parent who's in business to advise us. Anyone score?
CHIP: My dad's got scheduling conflicts up the wazoo.
RORY: No for Chip.
PARIS: My dad's in Hong Kong for the month but he can video-conference in if need be.
RORY: No for Paris.
MADELINE: My dad's traveling.
LOUISE: My dad's in court for the next six weeks.
RORY: Lawyer?
LOUISE: Defendant.
RORY: We won't pry.
LOUISE: I have no idea what he's up on anyway.
RORY: And no one's mom works?
MADELINE: Working moms are so nineties.
BRAD: My mom works. She's a curator at the Hartford Natural Museum.
PARIS: We need experienced business advisors, Brad not someone who poses animal carcasses.
MADELINE: What about your mom?
RORY: My mom?
PARIS: Yeah, that's right. She runs a hotel.
RORY: It's just an inn, a small inn.
MADELINE: It's still a business.
CHIP: She must keep books and stuff, right?
RORY: Yeah, but they're really small books.
PARIS: Look, it's not perfect but it's a better option than Brad's mom, the buffalo stuffer.
BRAD: She doesn't stuff the animals. That's taxidermy.
PARIS: Who is this rabbi that encouraged you to come back here? Give me his address, I'm gonna go over there and pop him one.
RORY: Okay, hold it. Now, I don't think my mom is right for this.
PARIS: Well, she's all we've got so you need to do whatever it takes to make it happen, otherwise maybe you shouldn't be the group leader.
LOUISE: A coup d'état, how exciting.
RORY: There's no coup d'état. I'll ask her.
PARIS: Good.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Sookie is stirring a bowl of meringue as Lorelai walks in with a box]
SOOKIE: Thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two. . .
LORELAI: Sookie, look!
SOOKIE: Thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, can't look, I'm making meringue, thirty-seven, fine science.
LORELAI: You got a package!
SOOKIE: Thirty-nine, gotta count, forty, can't over-whip.
LORELAI: I think it's your wedding invitations!
SOOKIE: Whoooooo! Gimme it! Ohh, I wanna see them! Oh, you're gonna love these. They're pearly white with this beautiful lavender stripe - . . .
LORELAI: Aw.
SOOKIE: I'm gonna choke somebody by the neck until brains ooze out of their ears.
LORELAI: What, they're beautiful.
SOOKIE: The name, look at the name.
LORELAI: The marriage of his daughter. . .
BOTH: Susie St. James.
SOOKIE: Who is Susie St. James?
LORELAI: I think it's you.
SOOKIE: What am I gonna do?
LORELAI: It can be changed.
SOOKIE: No, and these have to go out in a week.
LORELAI: We're calling right now.
SOOKIE: I am so not a Susie.
MICHEL: Good morning, beautiful morning.
SOOKIE: It sucks from where I'm sitting.
MICHEL: Heartbreak. Lorelai, do you remember I have tomorrow afternoon off?
LORELAI: I remember, big plans?
MICHEL: Yes, my mother is coming to visit.
LORELAI: [on phone] Hello, yes, customer service please, thanks. [To Michel] Sorry.
MICHEL: About what?
LORELAI: You said your mother's coming for a visit.
MICHEL: But I'm excited, I never get to see her.
LORELAI: Oh, I must be projecting. Your mother's coming for a visit!
MICHEL: She's coming down for three days.
LORELAI: Is she staying here?
MICHEL: No. She stays with me, of course.
LORELAI: In your tiny place?
MICHEL: Oh, she's fine with it. I mean, we stay up all night gabbing and watching movies. We have a ball.
LORELAI: Wow, I can't wait to meet her. [on phone] Oh, hello. Yes, we have a problem with some wedding invitations we ordered. Okay. [to Sookie] They're transferring me.
SOOKIE: I heard that.
LORELAI: He's really happy about his mother coming to visit.
SOOKIE: I heard that, too.
LORELAI: Totally foreign to me. [on phone] Hi. Oh great, I'm gonna pass you over to my friend who has a problem with some merchandise she ordered. Hold on one sec. [to Sookie] Listen to me, I've had a lot of experience dealing with people who have screwed something up. You have a better chance of getting them to help you if you don't get all hysterical.
SOOKIE: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay.
SOOKIE: [on phone] How dare you do this to me! You're ruining my wedding! It's the most important day of my life! It's my life, it's not Susie St. James, are you listening to me?
LORELAI: Good girl.
SOOKIE: You better be listening to me! Do you look, no, you be quiet, listen!
CUT TO LOBBY
[Lorelai walks out of the kitchen as Rory walks into the inn]
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Oh, hi. Thought you couldn't get here til later.
RORY: Our Franklin meeting didn't go as long as I thought it would.
LORELAI: Well, lucky for me, more work for you. Here, chronological order, please. So how was your day?
RORY: I got an A on my physics test.
LORELAI: Aw.
RORY: And I finished Candide and I convinced a boy that Paris would probably never att*ck his rabbi.
LORELAI: So uneventful, huh?
RORY: Pretty much. Mom, um, I know you're probably not gonna wanna do this.
LORELAI: Yes, I will. . .unless it's something that I don't wanna do.
RORY: Do you wanna be the parent advisor on my economics project?
LORELAI: Ooh, Rory, gosh.
RORY: I'm kind of in a spot.
LORELAI: No one else can do it?
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: You checked?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: You double checked?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: And no one else can do it so you came slumming after me and I'm your last choice?
RORY: Of course.
LORELAI: I appreciate that.
RORY: I'm totally stuck.
LORELAI: Well, if you're stuck, I'll do it.
RORY: Thanks.
LORELAI: But ooh, hey, what about your grandfather, retired business titan?
RORY: What about him?
LORELAI: He'd be perfect.
RORY: But this is a business project and the word business has been kind of taboo in that house since he left the firm. Asking him might remind him of that and upset him.
LORELAI: Or he'll be thrilled that you thought of him.
RORY: Hm, you're not just saying that because you don't wanna do it?
LORELAI: No, I really think he would enjoy helping you. You would be doing me a big favor cause then I wouldn't have to feel guilty about being so reluctant to help you out myself.
RORY: All right, I'll give it a sh*t.
LORELAI: Good girl.
RORY: Would you really have felt guilty?
LORELAI: No, but I would've felt guilty about not feeling guilty and you can see how that could just go on forever.
RORY: Miss Gilmore and the vicious circle.
LORELAI: Mm hmm.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Richard is outside working on his antique car as Rory walks up to him]
RORY: Hey Grandpa.
RICHARD: Rory, this is a surprise.
RORY: I was just in the area and I thought I'd pay a call.
RICHARD: Well, how very continental of you. I would hug you, but I have various forms of viscous fluid on my clothing.
RORY: I'll take a rain check.
RICHARD: Very good.
RORY: How's she running?
RICHARD: Ah, she's a bit, oh, obstinate today.
RORY: Well, girls can get that way.
RICHARD: Mm, indeed. So you were in the neighborhood?
RORY: Yeah, and I actually have a little favor to ask you, if it's okay.
RICHARD: Oh, ask away.
RORY: Okay. There's this project at school and, uh, it's for my economics class.
RICHARD: Good subject, pragmatic.
RORY: Yeah, and we have to come up with a consumer product, all make believe, and there's sort of a contest at the end and we sort of need an advisor.
RICHARD: An advisor?
RORY: Yeah, someone who's experienced in business who can come to a few meetings, make suggestions. I mean, I totally understand if you can't do it, but I just thought I would ask.
RICHARD: Well, I'm not sure how much help I could be. I've never actually created a consumer product.
RORY: That's okay, we kids haven't either.
RICHARD: Yes, I suppose you haven't.
RORY: If you can't do it or if you don't wanna do it, I totally understand.
RICHARD: Well, things are a little bit hectic right now.
RORY: Oh, yeah, I know.
RICHARD: And it is short notice, after all.
RORY: Very short, very short. Um, you know what, forget I even asked.
EMILY: Rory, I didn't know you were here!
RORY: Hi Grandma.
EMILY: You didn't hug your grandfather, did you?
RORY: I took a rain check. Well, I better go.
EMILY: But you just got here. We have cookies, would you like cookies?
RORY: No, thank you. Mom's expecting me at the inn. And Grandpa, really, don't worry about it. I just thought I would ask.
RICHARD: I'm fine, Rory. Thank you for asking.
RORY: Bye. [leaves]
EMILY: Ask what, what did she ask?
RICHARD: Oh, something for her economics class. It's nothing really.
EMILY: That doesn't sound like nothing. What about her economics class? Is she having trouble?
RICHARD: No, Emily. She merely asked me to participate in some, uh, project at school and I respectfully declined.
EMILY: You declined?
RICHARD: Leave it, Emily.
EMILY: Why did you decline?
RICHARD: Let's talk about it later, Emily. I'm busy.
EMILY: Busy? You've been poking around that stupid engine for the last three weeks and all it does is spray at you. You're not too busy.
RICHARD: Emily, I am in the middle of something here and I don't expect you to understand it.
EMILY: You're not going to help her?
RICHARD: Can we talk about this later?
EMILY: Well, I never thought I'd see the day.
RICHARD: What day?
EMILY: The day Richard Gilmore would disappoint his granddaughter like this.
RICHARD: Oh, Emily, please.
EMILY: So, tell me Richard, is this how it's going to be from now on?
RICHARD: What are you talking about?
EMILY: I just want to know what to expect from you. Because the bouncing from one thing to another, the moping and silence in your den for days, all of that I accepted. . .but your turning your back on Rory!
RICHARD: I did not turn my back on her.
EMILY: You adore that little girl, she means everything to you, remember?
RICHARD: Emily!
EMILY: Are you that lost? I'm incredibly disappointed in you Richard!
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Rory and Lane are walking down the street]
LANE: Sales!
RORY: Lane.
LANE: Sales!
RORY: It's just a stupid test.
LANE: Lane Kim, you have shown a genuine aptitude for sales.
RORY: It doesn't mean anything.
LANE: Hello ma'am, I see you're eyeing the Whip-o-Matic, nice choice! This baby's right off the truck, and let me tell you, if you're looking for something to fulfill all your whipping needs, you've come to the right place because as Devo says if a problem comes along you must whip it, as long as you whip it with a Whip-o-Matic!
RORY: Wow, you are good.
LANE: Stop it.
RORY: I'll take two.
LANE: I don't wanna be in sales!
RORY: You don't have to be.
LANE: I wanna do something cool.
RORY: Sell refrigerators.
LANE: You are not funny.
RORY: Look, you are taking this aptitude test way too seriously.
LANE: It's the fourth time I've taken it and it's the fourth time it's come up sales.
RORY: Lane, in ten years, we will be having lunch in Paris and we will not be discussing whether or not you made your quota.
LANE: Right, so I'm gonna be a sucky salesman?
RORY: Changing subject now.
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Oh, hey.
DEAN: How are ya, Lane?
LANE: Only as good as my last sale, Dean.
RORY: Ignore her, she's lost her mind.
DEAN: Got it. So, uh, what are you doing?
RORY: We're going over to Sissy's to buy some shoes.
LANE: And pick up a job application.
RORY: You will now face the wall quietly please.
DEAN: Well, after you're done shoe shopping, come by my softball game.
RORY: Oh, well .
DEAN: You haven't been to a game in awhile.
RORY: I know, but .
DEAN: You said you missed seeing them.
RORY: I do, but I thought we were getting together tonight.
DEAN: We are.
RORY: Well, then I should really get my philosophy homework out of the way.
DEAN: Do it at the game.
RORY: My homework?
DEAN: Yeah.
RORY: But if I'm doing my homework, doesn't that defeat the point of going to see you play?
DEAN: You can't glance up in between nihilistic theories?
RORY: I can, but what's the point?
DEAN: What?
RORY: Why don't I do my homework at home and I will go see you play next week.
DEAN: Well, I .
RORY: I promise I'll be there.
DEAN: Okay, sure.
RORY: Great, so, tonight?
DEAN: Yeah, I'll be by at seven.
RORY: Okay. So, have a good game. Do that pointing to the outfield thing, that's always very popular.
DEAN: I will. Bye Lane.
LANE: Come again soon.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[At the front desk, Michel is giving Lorelai some papers to sign.]
MICHEL: Here and here.
LORELAI: What .
MICHEL: Cleaning supply order. Here.
LORELAI: That's the .
MICHEL: Staff insurance forms. Initial here, date it here.
LORELAI: And I just .
MICHEL: You just okayed the vaccination of all those filthy ducks in the south pond.
LORELAI: Oh, aren't I nice.
MICHEL: Yes, a regular Dr. Dolittle.
[Michel's mother walks into the inn]
GISELLE: Uh! Michel!
MICHEL: Zeelee!
GISELLE: Ah! Mon dieu, you are gorgeous! Come, come! Embrassez maman!
MICHEL: Maman, j'aime ton visite. What are you doing here? I was going to pick you up at the airport, you wicked creature.
GISELLE: I had to come early. I wanted to buy presents before I see you since I know you are a materialistic vulture. All right, back up. Turn turn turn. Thank God I have the perfect son. If you had been ugly, I don't know what I would've done.
MICHEL: Boarding school?
GISELLE: In Switzerland.
MICHEL: Come. Lorelai, this is my mother, Giselle.
LORELAI: Well, it's very nice to meet you.
GISELLE: Oh my God, those eyes. Are they real?
LORELAI: Yes, they are.
GISELLE: Well, then, if there's a God, he is terribly cruel to bestow those eyes and that face to one person.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, can you be my mom, too?
MICHEL: I'm going to show her around, okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, make sure you see Sookie.
MICHEL: Why?
LORELAI: Sookie wants to meet your mom.
GISELLE: Yes, Michel, I must meet your friends. I did not raise you to be rude.
MICHEL: You did, too.
GISELLE: I did, didn't I? Come, show me off.
MICHEL: Oh, have you been using those free weights I sent you?
GISELLE: Yes, they hold down my papers beautifully.
MICHEL: A lazy, silly woman.
GISELLE: A cruel and vicious boy, I'm so proud.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory and Richard walk down the hall toward a classroom]
RORY: I really appreciate you doing this, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Oh, well, of course.
RORY: I mean, I know you weren't really thrilled with the idea.
RICHARD: No, no, no, no, that's not true.
RORY: But I told everybody to have their idea pitches prepared so that we can get you in and out of there as quickly as possible.
RICHARD: Rory, this is an assignment. We will give it the time that it requires.
RORY: Okay.
RICHARD: However, efficient is always best.
RORY: I totally understand.
[they walk into the classroom]
RORY: Hey. Everyone, this is my grandfather, Richard Gilmore. This is Louise, Madeline, Paris, Brad, and Chip.
RICHARD: Nice to meet you all.
RORY: So, do you wanna say a few words before we start?
RICHARD: Uh, oh, no no no, I'm here to advise. I'll uh. . .I'll sit back here and observe and advise, uh, if necessary.
RORY: Okay. So I guess we can start with the idea pitches. Who wants to go first?
LOUISE: I will.
RORY: Okay, Louise has the floor.
LOUISE: I couldn't find my new lip gloss this morning. I had just bought it and it's the perfect shade of pink. Plus, it has this major shine with minor stickiness, meaning no fear of your hair attaching itself to your face when the wind kicks up.
MADELINE: A coup.
LOUISE: I know. So, of course, fifteen minutes later, tardy and glossless, I left the house and I had to rely on Madeline for my source of lip color for the day. Not an ideal solution.
MADELINE: Major skin tone mismatch.
PARIS: I'm sorry, group leader, could you ask the Pigeon sisters if there is a point to this opus?
RORY: Louise, what's your idea?
LOUISE: A lipstick Lo-Jack.
RORY: Excuse me?
LOUISE: A lipstick tracking device. You attach it to a tube and you hook it up to a remote and next time you're searching, you just point and sh**t.
MADELINE: I'd buy one.
RORY: Okay, um, Louise, that's a very interesting idea, but I think we should think of something that appeals to both boys and girls. Anyone else?
MADELINE: Okay, I've got one a locker robot. It would talk and tell you facts, help you with your homework, carry your stuff. And you could fit it in your locker until you're ready to go home.
RORY: Okay, but that means that we would actually have to build a robot.
MADELINE: Yes, we would.
RORY: Who knows how to do that?
MADELINE: I don't know. He looks like he should know.
BRAD: I've never built a robot.
LOUISE: But you've tried, haven't you?
BRAD: Yes, I have.
RORY: Okay, let's just try to keep the ideas down to things that we can actually accomplish. And I guess Paris is next.
PARIS: The average teenager spends seven hours a day at school. Seven hours where he or she is busy walking from class to class indoors, outdoors, in all types of weather. At the same time, that same teenager is going through major physical changes within his or her own body. The combo of the action with the environment in addition to the hormonal imbalance can only lead to one thing accidents.
MADELINE: What are you talking about?
PARIS: Monday morning, Muffin wakes up and looks in the mirror. Oh no, I have a zit on my face. I'll just look down when I walk so hunky football player won't notice.' And bam Muffin smacks right into the cafeteria wall. Ouch, that's gotta hurt.
MADELINE: Who's Muffin?
PARIS: This is why I'm proposing manufacturing something that no teenager should be without a first aid kit.
LOUISE: A first aid kit?
PARIS: Specially designed to fit in a locker with minimum space disruption. Bandaids, antiseptic, cotton balls, q-tips, ace bandages, aspirin.
RORY: I don't know, it's possible. Does anyone have any questions about it?
RICHARD: They sell these things in every drug store, do they not?
PARIS: Yes, they do.
RICHARD: There's also a registered nurse on every campus. Her office would contain the products that you're talking about, correct?
PARIS: Possibly.
RICHARD: Well, what makes you think you can get a young person to spend good money on something that they could get for free, or at least at a lower cost?
PARIS: Because I know one thing about the modern teenager.
RICHARD: And what is that?
PARIS: That you can get them to buy anything as long as it comes in a leopard print.
LOUISE: True.
MADELINE: Very true.
PARIS: We get them with style. We dress up the kits with sparkles, colors, pictures of bands. Sport themes for the boys, animal pictures for the puppy and unicorn bunch, chess boards for the Bobby Fischer freaks a style for every taste. Plus, we use neon bandaids, pink or blue gauze for the bandages, anything that seems young or flashy or bright.
RICHARD: And that is how you intend to set the business world on its ear?
PARIS: That's right.
RICHARD: Tricked out first aid kits?
PARIS: For the locker.
RICHARD: And you really think that's going to work?
PARIS: Yes, I do.
RICHARD: So do I.
PARIS: Really?
RICHARD: It's perfect. It's simple, it's easy to produce, the possibilities are endless. I love it.
RORY: Well, I think we've got our product.
RICHARD: Now, we need to go through this point by point.
PARIS: Okay, let's do it.
RICHARD: Now, the secret to a great campaign is a great idea. Now, we've got that, let's move on to finances. Um, uh, do any of you have dinner plans, because we're gonna be here for awhile. Let's all turn to page four. Here we go. Now, the January projections. . .
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sitting on the couch reading as Rory walks through the front door. The phone is ringing]
LORELAI: Agh!
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Gah!
RORY: Mom! [answers phone] Hello? [hangs up] That ringing is not in your head, you know.
LORELAI: Uh, you've gotta read this Motley Crue book. I swear, you get to the point where Ozzy Osbourne snorts a row of ants and you think, it cannot get any grosser, and then you turn the page and oh, hello, yes it can! It's excellent!
RORY: Why didn't you answer the phone?
LORELAI: Because I firmly believe that once you've experienced something five thousand times, you need to move on.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: I knew who it was.
RORY: Who was it?
LORELAI: The same person who's called the machine so many times now that I actually heard it sigh.
RORY: Dean?
LORELAI: Dean the determined.
RORY: Oh man.
[phone rings]
LORELAI: Five bucks says I know who that is.
RORY: [answers phone] Hello?
RICHARD: Rory, it's your grandfather.
RORY: Oh, hey Grandpa.
LORELAI: He did that on purpose.
RICHARD: I'd like to discuss tomorrow's meeting.
RORY: Okay.
RICHARD: I was thinking that we should relocate.
RORY: Midtown?
RICHARD: Here.
RORY: Your house?
RICHARD: It'll be more comfortable with infinitely better snacks.
RORY: Yeah, that sounds great.
RICHARD: Wonderful. I'll call the group.
RORY: Okay, well, then I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
RICHARD: Tomorrow.
RORY: Bye. [hangs up]
LORELAI: What'd he want?
RORY: He wanted to move the location of our meeting to his house tomorrow and to cost you five bucks.
LORELAI: So that's going well, huh, Grandpa doing that thing with you at school?
RORY: Yeah, I think he's having fun with it.
LORELAI: See? Did your brilliant mother call it or what?
RORY: Yes, she did.
LORELAI: You're damn lucky to have that magnificent woman in your life, you know that, don't you?
RORY: It's whispered in my ear every night when I'm about to go to sleep.
LORELAI: Well, you won't let me write it in your underwear anymore. Hey, check the machine so I can erase the messages.
RORY: Oh, right.
LORELAI: Agh!
DEAN: [on answering machine] Hey, it's me. Uh, it's four o'clock, call me when you got home. [beep] Hey, uh, it's four thirty. I'm home, call me. [beep] It's quarter to five where are you? I'll try paging you. [beep] It's five-thirty. Did you get my page? Call with the answer.
RORY: They are not all from him.
DEAN: [on answering machine] Hey, I totally forgot you were getting home at six.
LORELAI: And yet, oddly, even after remembering that information. . .
DEAN: [on answering machine] Hey, it's five forty-five and I just thought I'd see if you got home early.
LORELAI: I swear, that boy would make a good drinking game.
RORY: This is crazy. Ten messages?
LORELAI: Plus the four that I took from him personally before I stopped answering the phone.
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: Honey, you gotta ease up on that love potion you've been giving him or he's gonna start showing up at David Letterman's house soon.
RORY: Ugh.
LORELAI: What's the matter?
RORY: Fourteen messages.
LORELAI: Yeah, so, it's a little .
RORY: It's a little too much.
LORELAI: So, what's up? Are you guys fighting or something?
RORY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: I mean, did something happen to set off the phone craze?
RORY: No, everything's been fine, everything's been calm. No more incidents, I don't get it.
LORELAI: Well, if I had to guess, I would say he's feeling a little insecure about something.
RORY: But why?
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: But I spend every free moment with him, I call him, I page him.
LORELAI: I know, you've been good.
RORY: And nothing seems to be enough, nothing seems to make things normal again.
LORELAI: Give it some time.
RORY: I just want things to be the way they were.
LORELAI: Oh, honey, relationships are hard. Sometimes you go through a weird patch and things get funky for a little while, but just give it a chance. Ride it out, things will calm down again.
RORY: I hope so. I'm gonna erase the messages.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai is at the front desk as Michel and his mother walk into the inn laughing]
GISELLE: Oh, stop it, stop making me laugh! You are trying to k*ll me! You are trying to make your mother laugh herself to death so you can get away with a grisly crime.
MICHEL: Your mind is evil.
GISELLE: Your soul is empty.
MICHEL: You want some coffee, Zeelee?
GISELLE: Yes, darling, thank you.
MICHEL: I'll be right back.
GISELLE: Ah, hello, blue eyes.
LORELAI: Hi Giselle. How was lunch?
GISELLE: Ah, champagne, caviar, the usual.
LORELAI: Ah, sure.
GISELLE: And then came out the pasta with terrible things in it. It was perfect.
LORELAI: You seem to be having a wonderful time.
GISELLE: I am. I will miss him so much when I go home, but thank goodness, he will have an extra five pounds to remember me by after eating all my pasta today, that dirty thieving boy.
LORELAI: Michel ate pasta?
GISELLE: Well, yes. Michel loves pasta, he eats it all the time.
LORELAI: Not around us. Here it's all no-carb, low-cal, let me see if I can eat less than the lab rats do.
GISELLE: Lab rats?
LORELAI: Better not explained. Anyway, I'm glad you've got him eating pasta, he seems really happy.
MICHEL: Coffee, coffee, coffee.
GISELLE: Oh, mm, mm. This is horrible.
MICHEL: You will drink it and you will like it.
GISELLE: You are a curse.
MICHEL: Let's go shop.
GISELLE: Oh yes, let's go buy something completely useless and pay way too much money for it.
MICHEL: I love it.
GISELLE: Au revoir.
MICHEL: Au revoir.
LORELAI: That is so wrong.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Rory, Louise, Madeline, Brad and Chip walk to the front door]
RORY: We should've waited for Paris.
LOUISE: Hey, she's the one who threw a fit about leaving no later than 3:10.
RORY: But she could be standing outside the school right now waiting for us.
MADELINE: She has my cell number.
LOUISE: I thought you lost your phone.
MADELINE: I did. Oh.
RORY: We'll call her when we get inside. [rings doorbell]
BRAD: Tell her I wanted to wait, okay?
[Paris answers the door]
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: Hey, you're right on time. Come on in.
RORY: Uh, okay.
RICHARD: In the dining room, everyone.
RORY: Wow.
RICHARD: Welcome, everyone, to the first official board meeting of the StyleAid Corporation. Will everyone please take a seat?
CHIP: I feel like Ivan Bosky.
RICHARD: Rory, you are group leader which translates into chairman of the board, which means you sit at the head of the table.
RORY: But that's where you sit.
RICHARD: No, not today. Come on. Now, at this point, I would like to turn the meeting over to Paris who will bring us up to date on our latest developments.
PARIS: Thank you, Richard. First, let me say that I'm glad to see you all here today, at the beginning of what I think is going to be a very exciting experiment.
BRAD: She doesn't have a baseball bat in her hands, does she?
PARIS: Now, I'd like everyone to turn to page one in your presentation booklets. Hey, we haven't gotten to the pencil part yet.
BRAD: Oh, sorry.
PARIS: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the RX-2002.
LOUISE: Nice.
RORY: Very nice.
PARIS: Now, listed in front of you are all the contents contained in the RX-2002, plus the additional style options, twelve in all. Every one of them waterproof, fireproof, and comes with a five-year warranty.
RICHARD: Which is longer than most of your high school careers.
PARIS: He is funny.
RICHARD: Now there is also a deluxe model with extra features designed to personalize your kit even more specifically for your needs. There will be a snap-in CD case which can hold up to ten CDs, there's a lighted vanity mirror, and a divided compartment for makeup and knickknacks. A picture frame and a hidden mini vault for valuables which can be locked for safety.
PARIS: Terrific idea, Richard, really top notch.
RICHARD: Thank you, Paris.
RORY: This is really amazing. I want one of these.
RICHARD: Exactly the point. Now, let's check in with our marketing department. Uh, Madeline, Louise what have you got for us?
MADELINE: Okay, well, first we go for the obvious magazines.
LOUISE: You know, Teen, Young Miss, Seventeen.
MADELINE: Spin and Rolling Stone, especially to h*t the guys.
RICHARD: I hear that Jane magazine also has a young, hip following.
RORY: How do you know about Jane magazine?
RICHARD: I have my ways, young lady.
CHIP: We should also check about placing them in certain mall stores.
RICHARD: I also think we should go straight to the source.
PARIS: The schools?
RICHARD: Why not? School bulletin boards, websites. We can set up tables at football games and pep rallies.
EMILY: Well, how is everyone doing here?
RICHARD: Just fine, Emily.
EMILY: Good. Is there enough food?
RICHARD: Yes, there is plenty of food.
EMILY: What about ice cream? Would anyone like some ice cream?
RICHARD: Emily, we're in the middle of a business meeting.
EMILY: Oh, ah, well, I'm very sorry. Uh, go back to your business meeting.
RICHARD: Now, I think your projections for. . .
EMILY: [to Rory] He's smiling.
RORY: I know.
EMILY: He's smiling and there's no oil on the carpet.
RORY: Life is good.
EMILY: Yes, it is.
RICHARD: Emily, please.
EMILY: I'm going, I'm going.
PARIS: Richard, do you have the third-year projections?
RICHARD: Well, yes, Paris, I do. I have them right here.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai pulls up to the house. Dean is washing Rory's car.]
LORELAI: Dean.
DEAN: Hey.
LORELAI: Hey, how's it going?
DEAN: Uh, just washing Rory's car.
LORELAI: I can see that.
DEAN: Well, I mean, I came by to see her and she wasn't here, so I was just gonna wait on the porch but then I noticed that her car looked dirty, so I thought I'd wash it.
LORELAI: Mm hmm.
DEAN: Well, cause sometimes things can get on your car like dirt and certain kinds of sap. It can get into your paint, makes it really hard to get off.
LORELAI: Sure.
DEAN: Even water spots, you know. . .after it rains, that can be a real problem.
LORELAI: Okay. Would you like a soda?
DEAN: No, I'm fine.
LORELAI: Let's go get a soda.
DEAN: But I have to wash .
LORELAI: Put the squirty water thing down and come on in the kitchen. Squirty thing down. . . that's it. . .come on.
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Dean and Lorelai walk through the back door]
DEAN: Look, I really didn't mean to bother you. I can just wait outside until Rory gets home.
LORELAI: Honey, Rory's working on her school project today.
DEAN: Oh yeah. I guess I forgot. I mean, she must've told me that she . . . I'm sorry, I forgot.
LORELAI: That's okay.
DEAN: So, I'll just go.
LORELAI: No no, come here, just sit down for a sec, okay? Are you all right?
DEAN: Yeah, I'm fine. I just don't remember Rory telling me about her studying today. I swear I wouldn't have come over.
LORELAI: Can I maybe give you a little advice?
DEAN: Sure.
LORELAI: Okay. First, I just wanna tell you I think you are a great guy. You're so good to Rory. And even though I'd always hoped that she'd be the one girl in the world who wouldn't look at a boy until she was thirty-eight, I'm really glad she found you.
DEAN: Thanks.
LORELAI: And I know things have been a little off between you two lately.
DEAN: Did she say that?
LORELAI: No, I'm saying that. I can see it, and by the way, I get it. But sometimes when things are out of whack, it freaks us out a little and makes us feel like we're losing something that's really important and that scares us even more so we try really hard to hold onto whatever it is we think we're losing and sometimes we hold on a little too hard.
DEAN: Too hard?
LORELAI: Like calling ten times in a three hour period, too hard.
DEAN: Fourteen times.
LORELAI: Okay, now, see, I was gonna let you slide but hey an honest man, I like that.
DEAN: You think I'm holding on too hard to Rory?
LORELAI: I don't think you mean to.
DEAN: You think I'm losing her?
LORELAI: I think you think you are.
DEAN: Well, I just feel like nothing I do is. . . you know, I just want things back the way they used to be.
LORELAI: I know you do, and they can be.
DEAN: How?
LORELAI: I know it sounds crazy but sometimes giving people a little bit of space is actually the best thing to do.
DEAN: Space?
LORELAI: Just a little.
DEAN: Like what? Like don't call her, don't see her?
LORELAI: No, just let her breathe, let her relax, let her come to you for a change.
DEAN: You're not telling me this to get rid of me, are you?
LORELAI: Please, if I was trying to get rid of you I would've started this conversation with, Let me tell you about my family'. I'm not telling you this to get rid of you, I'm telling you because I think it might help things between you guys. Just try it. If it doesn't work, I promise you can wash my car, too.
DEAN: Okay.
LORELAI: Do you want a soda?
DEAN: No, thanks. I'm gonna go. Uh, don't tell Rory I was here, okay?
LORELAI: Hey, I'm just sitting here at the table talking to myself. . .again.
DEAN: Thanks.
LORELAI: Bye Dean.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Sookie is in the kitchen on the phone as Lorelai walks in]
SOOKIE: You know what, forget it! If that's how you run your business, then I deserve this for picking you in the first place. I hate you! [hangs up]
LORELAI: Hey.
SOOKIE: Okay, new plan for the invites. We're getting married May fifteenth, four o'clock, front lawn pass it on.
LORELAI: Sookie.
SOOKIE: That's it, word of mouth. They used it for the Revolutionary w*r who the hell am I to poopoo history, huh? I ask you.
[Michel enters the kitchen]
MICHEL: What the hell is wrong with you?
LORELAI: With me?
MICHEL: Yes, you! Are you out of your mind?
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
MICHEL: Why in God's name would you tell my mother that I do not eat carbs?
LORELAI: Because you don't.
MICHEL: That is private information, private about me.
LORELAI: Michel, everybody in Stars Hollow knows you don't eat carbs.
MICHEL: So what?
LORELAI: Calm down, have some toast.
MICHEL: Do not talk to my mother ever again, do you understand me?
LORELAI: No, I don't understand. Michel, you and your mother seem crazy about each other. I just assumed since you gave up carbs a year ago, she knew.
MICHEL: Yes, well, you know what happens when you assume.
LORELAI: What?
MICHEL: I don't know. Something about a donkey it's a stupid American phrase.
LORELAI: I don't understand, Michel. You and your mother seem to have the perfect relationship.
MICHEL: Yes, because I tell her nothing. We keep all subjects light and fluffy. We talk about clothes and food and Posh Spice and David Beckham and that is all. Nothing of value, nothing of substance.
LORELAI: I'm sorry.
MICHEL: Now she knows I've been hiding something from her. Suddenly she's asking questions. Why did I leave France at eighteen? Where do I go at night? Who are my friends? What do they do? Where do they live? Why have I chosen this career? On and on and on and on it never ends! I can't stand it, she's a complete pain. She won't stop. I took a six hour bath last night just to escape the incessant nagging. You did this to me! You turned my Giselle into a mother, and I hate you for it! I hate you very, very much! [leaves]
SOOKIE: So, feel better now?
LORELAI: Yeah, I do, thanks.
SOOKIE: Mm hmm.
CUT TO CHILTON BUSINESS FAIR
[All of the student's projects are displayed on tables throughout the auditorium]
PARIS: Okay, I swept the room and I have to tell you, all sad. I think we're a lock.
RORY: Really? I actually thought the locker alarm was pretty good.
PARIS: Please, no one even looks when a car alarm goes off. How effective do you think a locker alarms going to be? Nope, I feel it, we are it. What's the word?
RICHARD: Every single idea in this room is completely worthless.
PARIS: Yes.
RICHARD: There's a lot of wasted cardboard in here, my friend.
PARIS: We are going to win.
RICHARD: Yes, we are.
RORY: Okay, the two of you need to take a time out.
HEADMASTER: Richard? Richard, hello.
RICHARD: Hanlin, good to see you.
HEADMASTER: What are you doing here?
RICHARD: Well, I'm actually advising Rory on her business project the RX-2002.
HEADMASTER: Oh, well, that's wonderful. You look great.
RICHARD: I feel great.
HEADMASTER: We don't see you at the club that much anymore.
RICHARD: No, I've been very busy lately.
HEADMASTER: Now, did I hear correctly did you retire?
RICHARD: Right before Christmas.
HEADMASTER: So it's true. I told it to Bitty and I couldn't believe it when we heard that.
RICHARD: Well, a man can't work forever.
HEADMASTER: No, that's true. I just can't picture you retired.
RICHARD: It's been wonderful lately. Best move I've ever made. It's given me a lot of time to do a lot of wonderful things.
HEADMASTER: Well, that does sound nice. What kinds of things are you doing?
RICHARD: Well, this.
HEADMASTER: Well, there you go. Unfortunately, some of us aren't living the good life quite yet. I've got to get back. It's been wonderful seeing you, Richard. Let's have dinner soon.
RICHARD: I would like that very much.
HEADMASTER: I'll have Bitty give Em a call.
RICHARD: You do that.
PARIS: Did you see the brilliant hose hook idea over at table five? A hook on your belt for your garden hose. There's a Buster Keaton routine waiting to happen.
RICHARD: So how are we doing?
RORY: Paris is practicing spiking the football then doing a backflip.
RICHARD: Well.
HEADMASTER: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, all the projects have now been reviewed.
PARIS: Here we go.
HEADMASTER: And before we announce the winner, I must commend everyone for their fine work. There are many, many good ideas here today. It makes me proud.
PARIS: Move it along, padre.
HEADMASTER: Now I'd like to announce the winner table 10, Miss Traster's class with the locker alarm.
RICHARD: I don't understand, how is that possible?
PARIS: This is so lame. That alarm doesn't even work, I was just over there.
RICHARD: This is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard.
RORY: Grandpa, it doesn't matter.
RICHARD: It certainly does matter. You've all put in an extraordinary amount of time and effort and thought into this project. It deserved to win.
PARIS: Yeah.
RORY: Well, I wanted to win too, but we didn't.
RICHARD: I'm going to talk to the headmaster about this.
RORY: I wish you wouldn't.
RICHARD: You were robbed, Rory, and I'm not going to sit back and simply watch it happen. [walks over to headmaster] Hanlin, good, I want a word with you.
HEADMASTER: Is something wrong?
RICHARD: This contest is a disgrace.
HEADMASTER: I beg your pardon?
RICHARD: I have been in the business world for thirty-five years.
HEADMASTER: I know this.
RICHARD: And in those thirty-five years, I've seen ideas come and I've seen ideas go, and I've learned a few things about what flies and what doesn't.
HEADMASTER: I'm sure you have.
RICHARD: I am telling you that out there in the real world, there is no way that a locker alarm that doesn't even work properly would be a viable business investment.
HEADMASTER: Richard, we're not in the real world, we are in a school.
RICHARD: Yes, a school that should be training children for the real world.
HEADMASTER: Richard, calm down.
RICHARD: I demand a recount.
HEADMASTER: Very well. I just recounted, the alarm still wins.
RICHARD: Hanlin!
HEADMASTER: Richard, your project was very good. It was definitely in the running. You should be proud.
RICHARD: This is not my project, this is their project, the children's project.
HEADMASTER: Really?
RICHARD: Yes! This has nothing to do with me, it's for the children!
HEADMASTER: But they're not the ones who are causing the public scene right now, you are.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory pull up and walk to the front door]
RORY: It was awful. He looked so upset. His face was turning red and he was practically shaking.
LORELAI: Hey, did you notice when he gets mad he gets taller?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I don't know how he does it but he actually grows.
RORY: Stop.
LORELAI: The day I told him I was pregnant, twenty-four feet tall. It freaked the birds.
RORY: Hey, I'm upset here.
LORELAI: Honey, you did nothing. You went to your grandfather, who you greatly admire and actually like hanging out with, to ask for his help and advice. That's lovely and thoughtful.
RORY: Please help me out tonight no mention of work or Chilton or school or retirement.
LORELAI: Nothing but politics and religion, got it.
EMILY: [opens door] Hello girls.
LORELAI: Hi Mom.
RORY: Hi Grandma.
EMILY: Come in, come in. Dinner's almost ready. Richard, the girls are here. Richard? He came home today, didn't say a word, stomped off to his study, slammed the door, and he's been holed up in there ever since.
RORY: Really?
EMILY: I can't even get him to answer me.
LORELAI: Well, are you sure he's still in there?
EMILY: Of course he's still in there. The door's right there. I would've seen if he came out.
LORELAI: Sorry.
EMILY: Not everyone leaves this house by climbing out the window and jumping into a waiting hot rod.
RORY: Maybe someone should go talk to him.
EMILY: I don't know what to do. What on earth happened today?
RORY: Things didn't go very well at the business fair.
EMILY: What happened?
LORELAI: It was terrible the tenth graders staged a hostile takeover of the eleventh graders.
RORY: Our project didn't win and Grandpa took it badly.
EMILY: Well, I am at my wit's end if that man is going to fall apart over a high school project.
LORELAI: It's just a weird time for him, Mom.
RORY: I feel so awful.
LORELAI: Maybe he should go talk to somebody.
EMILY: Like whom?
LORELAI: Like a psychiatrist?
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Well, maybe it would help.
EMILY: We do not go to psychiatrists.
LORELAI: Mom, there's nothing wrong with getting help.
EMILY: Lorelai Gilmore, are you seriously suggesting that your father go to a complete stranger and talk about his personal life?
LORELAI: Lots of people swear by it.
EMILY: Yes, disturbed people, deviants, people with multiple personalities who see things and hear talking to them and roam the streets talking to themselves and licking parking meters.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Next thing you know, you'll be suggesting I go to a psychiatrist.
LORELAI: Too many comebacks I cannot pick.
EMILY: Richard, is that you?
RICHARD: Of course it's me. Oh Rory, you're here, wonderful. Hello Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hey.
RICHARD: Well, I am starving. What's for dinner?
EMILY: What's for dinner? What do you mean, what's for dinner?
RICHARD: Well, I thought the question was relatively clear, but I'd be glad to rephrase it for you. Eh, what sort of food products will appear on various plates this evening?
EMILY: Richard Gilmore, you come home in a huff and you lock yourself in that study all afternoon. . .
RICHARD: Well, I had a lot of thinking to do, a lot of thinking. I owe that to you young lady.
RORY: I'm sorry.
RICHARD: You should certainly not be sorry.
EMILY: Richard, what put that roll down and explain yourself!
RICHARD: This whole week, this whole experience with Rory and the locker first aid kit that is a damn good idea, by the way, no matter what those yarnheads at that school of yours say. Anyway, this whole week made me realize something I don't want to be retired.
EMILY: You what?
RICHARD: I don't like it. I hate it, as a matter of fact.
LORELAI: But Dad .
RICHARD: It's boring. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. And frankly, I am tired of trying to find something to fill up my time.
RORY: So what are you going to do?
RICHARD: I am going to work.
EMILY: Are you thinking about asking for your job back?
RICHARD: Oh, God no! No no no no no no. I have decided to go into business for myself.
LORELAI: Wow.
EMILY: What?
RORY: Cool.
RICHARD: It is cool, isn't it?
EMILY: But what are you going to do?
RICHARD: Well, I'm not sure yet. Perhaps I'll consult, maybe take on a partner, maybe I'll even teach.
LORELAI: What?
RICHARD: Well, you don't have to say it like that.
LORELAI: Sorry. What?
RICHARD: I think thirty five years of experience will qualify me to teach a course or two at that local business college of yours.
LORELAI: Oh my God. It's Who's the Boss, the later years.
EMILY: Richard, are you serious about this?
RICHARD: As a heart att*ck.
EMILY: But, but .
RICHARD: I haven't felt this good in a very long time, Emily. I have the buzz, and I owe it all to you.
RORY: Glad to be of service.
EMILY: He's going to teach.
LORELAI: Or consult.
EMILY: Or consult.
LORELAI: So licking a parking meter is just around the corner.
CUT TO INSIDE JEEP
[That night, Lorelai and Rory are driving home]
LORELAI: Okay, that dinner was good.
RORY: All of Grandma's dinners are good.
LORELAI: I know, but this one had the rolls.
RORY: Aw, those were excellent rolls.
LORELAI: Weren't they? Hot and buttery with that split top thing going on. I miss the rolls.
RORY: Well, she can make more next week.
LORELAI: That's okay. I got four in my purse.
RORY: You do not.
LORELAI: Go ahead and check.
RORY: Have you no shame?
LORELAI: Ha!
[Rory's pager goes off]
LORELAI: Ah, who's that?
RORY: It's Dean.
LORELAI: Really? How many pages does that make for today?
RORY: Just one.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
RORY: In two days.
LORELAI: Wow!
RORY: I know. He hasn't called or mysteriously appeared by my side or anything.
LORELAI: Hmm, maybe he's calming down.
RORY: I hope so. I actually got a chance to miss him today.
LORELAI: That sounds good.
RORY: It is good.
LORELAI: Do you wanna grab my cell phone and give him a call?
RORY: Oh, no, tomorrow's fine.
LORELAI: Are you sure? It's still early. You guys could hook up for a little while.
RORY: I'm hanging out with Lane tonight.
LORELAI: Lane?
RORY: Yeah, we have some serious CD listening to do. We're way behind on all the Elvis Costello reissues coming out.
LORELAI: I didn't think Lane could hang out past nine.
RORY: Her mom's at an antique fair in Woodbury until Sunday, and her grandmother's staying with her but she's asleep by six so we thought we'd be really bad and sneak out to Luke's.
LORELAI: You're going to Luke's?
RORY: Yeah, maybe.
LORELAI: Honey, why go to Luke's? Um, I mean, you just had ten rolls.
RORY: No, you had ten rolls, and I don't even know if we'll go to Luke's. It's just a maybe.
LORELAI: Okay, okay. Well, you guys have fun.
[they pull up to Lane's house and Rory gets out of the car]
RORY: Okay, see you later.
LORELAI: Sure you don't wanna call Dean?
RORY: Nope, tomorrow's fine.
LORELAI: Yeah, tomorrow's fine.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai pulls up to the house and finds Dean sitting on her front porch]
LORELAI: Dean.
DEAN: She likes Jess, doesn't she?
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x18 - Back In The Saddle Again"} | foreverdreaming |
2.19 - Teach Me Tonight
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Steven Robman
OPEN IN DOOSE'S MARKET
[Lorelai and Rory are standing in the checkout line. Lorelai flips through a crossword puzzle book]
LORELAI: I hate crossword puzzles. They make me feel stupid.
RORY: Then don't do them.
LORELAI: Well, but if you don't do them, you're not only stupid, you're also a coward.
RORY: Or you have better things to do with your time.
LORELAI: You think people will buy that?
RORY: The people who line up on a daily basis and ask you if you do crossword puzzles and then, when you say no, challenge you as to why? Yes, I think they will buy it.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, look, new bag boy.
RORY: Oh yeah, that's Marty. He's subbing for Dean while he's out of town.
LORELAI: Wow, Marty does the jar twirl before putting the salsa in the bag. Impressive, very Cocktail.
RORY: Marty's a nice guy.
LORELAI: Marty's an ambitious snake in the grass.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: The jar twirl, the double bagging, the have a nice day, ma'am' after every customer. . .that guy's got an agenda.
RORY: Which is?
LORELAI: He's out to take Dean's job!
RORY: I don't think so.
LORELAI: Oh, yes, he is. I'm telling you, he wants that position. Dean better hurry back from his grandmother's house or he can kiss his job goodbye.
RORY: They're not going to f*re Dean.
LORELAI: Really, why not?
RORY: Well, for starter's, someone stole Taylor's ladder last week and Dean is the only one who can reach the top shelves.
LORELAI: Huh, interesting.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Just as Marty, aka Eve Harrington, shows up trying to take Dean's job, Taylor's ladder mysteriously disappears, suddenly making Dean invaluable no matter what fancy tricks Lon Chaney Junior over there pulls. Good thinking, Dean smart thinking, my friend.
RORY: You need to start napping in the afternoons.
LORELAI: Hey Taylor, pulling double duty today?
TAYLOR: Oh, I like to fill in behind the register every now and then. It keeps me in contact with the clientele. Also, it allows me to keep an eye on the take a penny' pot here, make sure people aren't pocketing those pennies for their own personal gain but are legitimately using them to make exact change.
RORY: Oh cool. Mom, look.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, it's Movie in the Square night again, great.
RORY: We'll be there.
TAYLOR: Ah, excellent. There you are.
LORELAI: What's the movie this year?
TAYLOR: Oh, it's going to be something really great.
LORELAI: Really, what?
TAYLOR: A real winner.
LORELAI: What's it called?
TAYLOR: Well, show up and be surprised.
LORELAI: Why don't you tell me what the movie is?
TAYLOR: No.
LORELAI: Why not?
TAYLOR: Because.
LORELAI: Because why? What is the. . .oh no.
TAYLOR: There is a line behind you.
LORELAI: You chose The Yearling again?
TAYLOR: It is a fine, wholesome motion picture. Moving story, lovely scenes of nature.
LORELAI: You've shown The Yearling the last three years in a row!
TAYLOR: You know something, I'm getting a little tired of hearing you complain about this every single year.
LORELAI: I'm tired, too. Pick another movie.
TAYLOR: A lot of hard work and careful planning go into those nights. You never help plan, you never volunteer, you have never once been a ticket ripper as long as I have been involved in that function. Personally, missy, if you can't participate with a smile and a hug, then you shouldn't participate at all.
LORELAI: I shouldn't, but I am. Pick another movie.
TAYLOR: No!
LORELAI: Taylor, there's millions of great movies out there. Any one of them would be better than The Yearling for the fourth time.
TAYLOR: Fine, you do it!
LORELAI: What?
TAYLOR: You pick the movie.
LORELAI: Seriously?
TAYLOR: I've had it. You have such strong opinions about everything, you go out and try to find a movie that everybody will enjoy. It's all yours. I relinquish my movie picking crown to you.
LORELAI: He relinquished his crown.
RORY: I heard.
LORELAI: I got his crown.
RORY: And it looks great on you.
LORELAI: Cool, this is gonna be fun! Let's go home and make popcorn and pick which movie we're gonna show.
RORY: I get to help?
LORELAI: Of course.
RORY: Oh, and can I borrow the crown?
LORELAI: I don't know, honey. We'll have to see.
[opening credits]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[In Rory's bedroom, Lorelai is sitting on Rory's bed putting on makeup as Rory stands in front of the mirror]
LORELAI: The Wizard of Oz.
RORY: The Sting.
LORELAI: Rocky.
RORY: Crimes and Misdemeanors.
LORELAI: The Singing Detective.
RORY: That was a miniseries.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: So it's like six hours long.
LORELAI: Good point. Ooh, I got it! Arthur.
RORY: Yes!
LORELAI: Or Sophie's Choice.
RORY: Very similar.
LORELAI: Oh man, I can't choose, there's too many great movies. The burden is overwhelming. I'm sinking under the pressure. My grasp on reality is slipping. I can't do it, I can't hold on, I just can't, I just. . .ooh, hey, how about Cabin Boy?
[phone rings]
RORY: Will you get that?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Why not?
LORELAI: Time?
RORY: 6:45.
LORELAI: On?
RORY: Wednesday. Ooh! [answers phone] Dad, hi!
CHRISTOPHER: Hey kiddo, what's going on?
RORY: Not much. Just getting ready for school and trying to think up movies.
CHRISTOPHER: Movies for what?
RORY: Our town does this big movie festival outdoors every year and this year Mom gets to pick the movie.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh yeah? How'd she get that gig?
RORY: She ticked off the guy that usually does it and he quit.
CHRISTOPHER: Sounds about right.
RORY: So how are things there? How's Sherry?
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, uh, nothing much is going on here. Same ol', same ol'. Hey, listen, uh, I've gotta cut this talk short but I sent you an email, so read it and add an extra forty minutes onto my time for next week's call, deal?
RORY: Deal. Do you wanna say hello to Mom before you go?
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, no, I can't, I really need to run. You say hello for me.
RORY: Okay.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, I'll talk to you Wednesday. Bye Sweetie.
RORY: Bye Dad. [hangs up] He says hello.
LORELAI: He does not.
RORY: So, are you gonna tell me what it is you two are fighting about?
LORELAI: I'm not fighting.
RORY: Okay, are you gonna tell me what it is you're not fighting about that keeps you from talking to each other ever again?
LORELAI: What about Desperately Seeking Susan?
RORY: What about, my mother is two?
LORELAI: Never saw it Angie Dickinson?
RORY: You're impossible.
LORELAI: You're right. You're Impossible was the one with Angie Dickinson.
RORY: Fine, forget it, I give. Stay in a fight, I don't care. I'm late for school. We'll finish the list later.
LORELAI: After school, Luke's?
RORY: I'll be there.
LORELAI: Bye hon.
RORY: Bye.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH CLASSROOM
[Students are taking a test.]
TEACHER: Fifteen minutes left.
[Jess sneaks in and sits behind Lane]
JESS: Lane. . .Lane.
LANE: Sh.
JESS: I need a pencil.
LANE: I don't have one.
JESS: Then I need a pen.
LANE: You only have fifteen minutes left.
JESS: Then I need the answers.
LANE: There's a pen in my bag.
JESS: I can't go through your bag.
LANE: Yes, you can.
JESS: My mother told me never go through a lady's bag. . .at least, not until you're a couple blocks away. I'm just kidding, she never said that. Though it sounds like pretty good advice, doesn't it?
LANE: Take it and shut up. [hands him a pen]
JESS: Well, I tell you, it's true small towns sure are friendly.
CUT TO PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
[There's a knock at the door.]
PRINCIPAL: Come in.
[Luke walks in]
LUKE: Yeah, I got a call you wanted to see me. I'm, uh, Luke Danes Jess Mariano's uncle.
PRINCIPAL: Jess Mariano. Ah yes, come in.
LUKE: Thanks. So is everything okay? I didn't see any cop cars or f*re trucks out front so. . .
PRINCIPAL: Mr. Danes, please have a seat.
LUKE: A seat? So this is a seat thing. Okay, what's he done?
PRINCIPAL: Why do you assume he's done something?
LUKE: Oh, I don't know. You're staring at a folder that's looking a little thick there. I get a call to come right over here and talk to you, so why don't you just tell me what he's done?
PRINCIPAL: Nothing.
LUKE: Nothing?
PRINCIPAL: No homework, no class participation, his attendance record is erratic at best. His attitude towards his teachers, it ranges from indifferent to hostile. He shows no interest in school activities or other students, and there is the issue of the disappearing baseballs.
LUKE: The what?
PRINCIPAL: Every baseball on campus seems to have disappeared.
LUKE: Oh, come on, you don't think Jess seriously. . . I'll check when I get home.
PRINCIPAL: I appreciate that. Now, I don't suspect we'll solve every problem in one meeting, so let's focus on the most important one his grades.
LUKE: Not good?
PRINCIPAL: Not good.
LUKE: Well, I'll have a talk with him about that.
PRINCIPAL: You're gonna have to do a lot more than talk to him. You're gonna have to help him.
LUKE: Me? Oh, no, I'm not the one you want helping him. I went to this school I'm sure there's still a note stuffed in there about me with the words trade school' stamped in really big letters.
PRINCIPAL: Well, if you can't help him, you're gonna have to find someone who can.
LUKE: Like who?
PRINCIPAL: A relative.
LUKE: I don't think so. Believe me, I'm the Einstein of the clan.
PRINCIPAL: Well, maybe you need to hire a tutor.
LUKE: A tutor? Oh geez.
PRINCIPAL: Mr. Danes, Jess is flunking out. He's not going to make it. Now, if something it not done about that right now, he's going to repeat this year. I'm sorry, but that's where we are.
LUKE: Okay, well, if that's where we are, then I'll just have to figure something out.
PRINCIPAL: Good. And let's not forget about those baseballs.
LUKE: Right.
PRINCIPAL: Been using tennis balls for a couple of weeks.
LUKE: Wow.
PRINCIPAL: Very different results.
LUKE: I'm sure it is.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the counter going through a list of movies]
LORELAI: If we take off Fletch and Urban Cowboy, we still have seventy-five possibilities.
RORY: How are we gonna pick just one?
LORELAI: I don't know. Maybe we should do like a movie marathon weekend. You know, just show one movie after the other for three days and charge everyone a fortune, gauge them of bottled water, have those really little disgusting bathrooms it'd be like our own Woodstock.
TAYLOR: Ah, good, there you are. I have something for you.
LORELAI: What?
TAYLOR: This. [puts a large binder on the counter]
LORELAI: Geez.
TAYLOR: Now, when you get through this and make your decision, the number of the man you need to contact is inside on the first page.
LORELAI: What man? What is this?
TAYLOR: That is the list of titles that are available for you to pick from for the movie night.
LORELAI: The list of titles? I'm sorry, can't we just pick our own movie?
TAYLOR: You're not serious?
LORELAI: Not often, but just there yeah, I had some serious going.
TAYLOR: My dear girl, movies are expensive and we get fabulous deals with this particular place. They have a wide selection and they're very friendly and since it all goes to charity, they agree to give us anything on that list for free.
LORELAI: So we have to pick a movie off this list?
TAYLOR: Oh, it's fun. They put the movie title over here and a brief description of the storyline over here and believe me, there are some excellent movies on that list. Really, top notch.
LORELAI: Arctic Flight man with plane flies charter to Alaska, hired by bear hunter who turns out to be Russian spy, love story develops with pilot and school teachers, Eskimos do tribal dance. You made this up.
TAYLOR: Don't I wish. Okay, well, I can't wait to see what you come up with. Bye girls.
LORELAI: Bye.
RORY: k*ller Shark.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: Shark fisherman on ocean, Mexican cantina with tequila and Mariachi music, has good scene of catching and cleaning shark.
LORELAI: Where Are Your Children? Hip music and singing about kids getting into trouble, sneaking booze into clubs, stealing car, fight between girls, romance starts then guy goes in the Navy.
RORY: Huh. Sudden Danger mom dies of gas asphyxiation, son blamed, good kiss scene.
LORELAI: Suspense ice skater falls in love with hired help. Well, at least now I know how Snow Dogs got made.
[Luke walks into the diner]
LUKE: Hey. Listen, have you seen Jess?
RORY: I think I saw him go upstairs earlier.
LUKE: Oh, great, thanks.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke walks in as Jess is going through his CDs]
LUKE: Oh, good, you're here. So, you file those under the band names?
JESS: Genre.
LUKE: Right, genre, that makes sense, makes a lot of sense. Oh, what is that? Something for school?
JESS: Nope.
LUKE: Oh, well, shouldn't you be reading something for school?
JESS: Why?
LUKE: I don't know. I mean, I know you like reading and since you like reading, you might as well read something you're gonna get graded on so you can get graded on something you like because you like reading.
JESS: What are you babbling about?
LUKE: I went to see your principal today.
JESS: Huh.
LUKE: He says you're flunking out. He says you're not showing up for class. He says you stole their baseballs. You stole their baseballs? Why would you do that? What could you possibly need five hundred baseballs for?
JESS: Can we talk about this later?
LUKE: Why, you got a big Frisbee heist going down at six? Jess, Mr. Mertin said if you don't start doing better, they're not gonna let you be a senior.
JESS: Bummer.
LUKE: They're gonna hold you back.
JESS: Well, at least I'll know where my classes are.
LUKE: Jess, this is serious. You're flunking out. You're looking at being in the eleventh grade for the rest of your life. You're gonna be the kid in the back of the room with a beard and a racing form babbling incoherently about Steely Dan.
JESS: Steely Dan?
LUKE: The group may change, the freak in the back never does.
JESS: I'm going out.
LUKE: Don't you wanna go to college?
JESS: Don't wait up.
LUKE: What do you wanna be when you grow up?
JESS: About twenty miles south of wherever you are.
LUKE: You have to think about the future. If you don't get through high school, who's gonna hire you? You're not gonna have any skills.
JESS: Stop.
LUKE: How you gonna work, huh? How you gonna eat? How you gonna pay rent? What are you gonna do, Jess?
JESS: Geez, I don't know, maybe I'll work in a diner.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sitting at the kitchen table going through the book of movie titles as Rory walks in]
LORELAI: Marshmallow?
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Okay, I have now finished going through every single one of these movies. I've read them, reviewed their merits, and I'm proud to announce that I have chosen our movie. How does The Yearling sound to you?
RORY: Perfect.
LORELAI: And buh-bye.
[there's a knock at the front door]
LORELAI: Oh, that must be Pauline Kale rising from the d*ad.
RORY: Tell her hey.
[Lorelai goes to answer the door, Luke is standing on the porch with a box]
LORELAI: Pauline!
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Never mind. What are you doing here?
LUKE: Uh, I made some brownies, I thought you might like some.
LORELAI: Oh, gee, since I just ate half a bag of marshmallows, six Pop Tarts, four bagel dogs and a really stale Cheese Nip yup, it's brownie time, thanks. Hey, here's a question for you.
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: Well, you probably have a diner full of people who would love these brownies plus, I bet they'd pay you for them.
LUKE: Well, I accidentally dropped triple the amount of cocoa powder in the batter so I either had to dump the batch or find someone with some sort of superhuman chocolate tolerance only one name came to mind.
LORELAI: God, I love being special. What?
LUKE: Nothing. I just. . .hey, uh, is Rory here by any chance?
LORELAI: Yeah, she's in her room.
LUKE: Can I talk to her for a sec?
LORELAI: Sure, go right ahead.
LUKE: Hey, thanks. [knocks on Rory's door] Rory, it's Luke. Can I come in for a minute?
RORY: [opens door] Hey, what's up?
LUKE: Not much. Can I . . .
RORY: Uh, yeah, come on in.
LUKE: So I see you're studying.
RORY: Yup.
LUKE: That's good. Studying is very, very good. What you're doing right there with the books, very good.
RORY: Thank you.
LUKE: Okay, look, I wanted to ask you a favor. Oh. Uh. I was wondering if you could tutor Jess.
RORY: What?
LUKE: He's not doing too well in school. The principal said he's not gonna let him move on unless something changes. I was wondering if you could help.
RORY: That doesn't make any sense, he's smart enough to pass any subject.
LUKE: I don't think it's his lack of smarts, more like his lack of proximity to the actual classes that's the problem.
RORY: Ah.
LUKE: Yes.
RORY: Okay, what subject does he need help in?
LUKE: I'd say all of them, probably.
RORY: Huh.
LUKE: Look, I don't expect you to work miracles and it doesn't have to be a full time everyday thing. If you could just get him through a couple of his next tests, maybe make the school see that he can do it, that would probably help out a lot.
RORY: Sure.
LUKE: Great, tonight?
RORY: Tonight.
LUKE: I really appreciate this. Ah, okay, you should get back to your studying, otherwise you're completely useless to me. [walks into kitchen] Okay, so I'll see you guys at dinner probably.
LORELAI: Wait, hold on what was that all about?
LUKE: Oh, Rory's gonna tutor Jess.
LORELAI: She is?
LUKE: Yeah, just for a little while, help get him on the right track.
LORELAI: Wow.
LUKE: Okay, I should be getting back. Enjoy the brownies, I'll see if I can screw up a cake for you later on.
LORELAI: Sounds great.
[Luke leaves]
LORELAI: Hm.
[Lorelai follows Luke out into the front yard]
LORELAI: Hey Luke, hang on just a sec.
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: Um, listen, about Rory doing this tutoring thing.
LUKE: I really appreciate it, by the way.
LORELAI: I know you do. I just. . .Rory's so sweet and she would never say no to anyone cause she loves to help, but I'm not sure if it's the best idea.
LUKE: Why not?
LORELAI: Well, she's got her own studies to worry about.
LUKE: I know, and I promise this is not gonna take up all her time. It's just for a little while.
LORELAI: Okay, but - .
LUKE: Plus, Rory's pretty serious about school. I don't think she'd say she had the time if she didn't.
LORELAI: I know, Rory is a great student, but she's just a kid. Don't you need like a professional tutor to help with Jess? You know, somebody with a degree and a pipe and one of those coats with the elbow patches on it?
LUKE: I need someone Jess is gonna listen to, someone he's gonna. . .I don't know, look up to. That sure isn't me and it sure isn't some tutor. He likes Rory and Rory's on the path that I'd like to see Jess on school and college. He needs to see somebody he respects doing what he should be doing and Rory's the only person I can think of who fits that description.
LORELAI: Yeah, but you don't know for sure that he'll listen to Rory.
LUKE: No, but I gotta do something, don't I? I mean, what would you do if you were me?
LORELAI: Nuh. Okay, just make sure it's not too much time, okay?
LUKE: I will.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: Enjoy the brownie.
LORELAI: Mm.
[Luke leaves; Lorelai tries the brownie and makes a face]
LORELAI: Oh my God. Mmm, that's good.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table as Kirk walks up to them]
KIRK: Ah, Lorelai, good. I need one minute of your time.
LORELAI: I'll give you two because you scare me.
KIRK: I hear through the grapevine that you are the one in charge of selecting the movie for this year's movie night?
LORELAI: Yes, I am.
KIRK: Okay, well, I don't know if you know this about me, but I have great creative ambitions.
LORELAI: I did not know that about you, Kirk.
KIRK: It's true. Don't get me wrong, I love the blue collar work. I enjoy the plight of the every man. But as much as the mail letter delivered and the DSL line installed and the latest J. Lo flick rented fills me with a deep sense of pride, in my soul I am Akira Kurosawa.
LORELAI: Seven Samurai, great movie.
KIRK: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Seven Samurai.
KIRK: I'm sorry, I don't .
LORELAI: Akira Kurosawa directed Seven Samurai. It's a great Japanese movie.
KIRK: Japanese movie? No, I'm sorry, I have the wrong person. Who's the guy who directed all those Facts of Life's?
LORELAI: I don't .
KIRK: Asaad Kelada, sorry. In my soul I know I am Asaad Kelada.
LORELAI: What do you need from me, Kirk?
KIRK: I've made a short film that I've been working on for about five years now and if I rush, I can have done my Thursday night. I'm very proud of it, and I was wondering if you would consider screening it before the movie tomorrow. It would mean a great deal to my career.
LORELAI: Well, uh, what kind of movie is it?
KIRK: Oh, you mean is it blue? No, perfectly PG.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
KIRK: It's not exactly Babe, it's more like Babe 2.
LORELAI: Got it.
KIRK: Same pig, harder edge.
LORELAI: Okay, Kirk, I hear you. I wanna help you. Let me think about it and I'll get back to you.
KIRK: Here's a copy of the film. Take a look and call me. And remember, I can edit out two of the hells but I need to keep all the damns. It's a street cred thing.
LORELAI: Bye Kirk.
[Kirk leaves]
LORELAI: Well, at least now I have something fun to do tonight.
RORY: You're not watching that without me.
LORELAI: Okay, I'll wait. So, um. . .ooh, do you wanna get some pie?
RORY: No, I'm full.
LORELAI: Coffee? How bout some coffee?
RORY: I'm good.
LORELAI: Hot chocolate?
RORY: No, thanks.
LORELAI: Egg cream? Now, I never had an egg cream but it sounds just disgusting enough to be fabulous.
RORY: We're just going to study.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: And we'll be right here doing it.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: So all this stalling is completely unnecessary.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: So go.
LORELAI: I will. Just finishing up the coffee that I paid for already. All right, that's enough, I'm going. Goodbye.
RORY: Bye. Um, Mom?
LORELAI: Yeah?
RORY: Listen, just in case, and I don't think he will, but if Dean calls, will you tell him I'm with Lane?
LORELAI: I thought you said this was nothing.
RORY: It is nothing.
LORELAI: That you guys were just studying.
RORY: We are.
LORELAI: Then how come I have to lie to Dean?
RORY: Well, you know as well as I do that it's not gonna be okay with Dean if I'm studying with Jess.
LORELAI: Then maybe you shouldn't be. I mean, if you feel weird enough about it that I have to lie to Dean.
RORY: I'm not asking you to lie to Dean.
LORELAI: You told me to tell him that you're with Lane.
RORY: Well, that was just because .
LORELAI: I don't see Lane here sounds like a lie to me.
RORY: Fine, forget it. Just don't answer the phone.
LORELAI: Hello, I get calls there, too. I'm not whatever happened to Baby Jane?' yet, thank you very much.
RORY: Just tell him that I'm studying, which is what I am doing, so you will not be lying, okay?
[Jess walks over to them]
JESS: Hey Teach.
RORY: Hey.
JESS: You guys done yet?
LORELAI: Just not yet.
JESS: Okay, well, I'll be right over there when you are. I just can't wait for that learning to begin. Hey, are we gonna do some of those Schoolhouse Rocks songs?
RORY: I'll be right there, Jess.
JESS: Cause they say if you just make learning fun. . .
LORELAI: Give us a minute, okay?
JESS: Well, hurry a mind is a terrible thing to waste.
RORY: I'll be home early.
LORELAI: Fine. Bye.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Bye Jess.
JESS: Ma'am.
[Lorelai leaves]
RORY: So, are you ready to start?
JESS: Yes, I am.
RORY: Where are your books?
JESS: Huh, I don't know.
RORY: How are we gonna study without your books?
JESS: I guess we can't. Too bad. So, what now movie?
RORY: Get your books.
JESS: The cat ate them.
RORY: Get your books or I'm going home.
JESS: Wait there. [does magic trick]
CUT TO THE DINER LATER THAT NIGHT
[Rory and Jess are sitting at a table. Rory is going through a book as Jess plays with a deck of cards.]
RORY: Explain to me the political ramifications of the Marshall Plan.
JESS: Pick a card. [Rory throws the whole deck on the floor] Huh, well, that just made the trick a little bit harder.
RORY: Jess, focus.
JESS: Where's Dean tonight?
RORY: We just went over this. There's no way you already forgot it.
JESS: Work?
RORY: I will make you write it out fifty times on the specials board if that's what it takes.
JESS: Cause if he's not at work, he must be free, so he doesn't care that you're here?
RORY: No, he doesn't. He's visiting his grandmother.
JESS: Where?
RORY: Chicago.
JESS: So he doesn't know.
RORY: It wouldn't matter.
JESS: So you'll tell him when he gets back?
RORY: We're studying.
JESS: You're studying, I'm prying into your personal life.
RORY: Jess, why won't you at least try to remember the Marshall Plan?
JESS: Have you ever read "Please k*ll Me"?
RORY: No.
JESS: Oral history of the punk movement. You'd like it you can borrow it if you want.
RORY: I'm here to help you study. Now, if you want me to go, I'll go, but if I'm going to stay, then you will stop distracting me and start paying attention, understand?
JESS: I understand.
RORY: Good. And yes, I would like to borrow it, thank you very much. Now open your book.
CUT TO DINER LATER THAT NIGHT
[Jess finishes writing something on a notepad, then hands it to Rory]
JESS: Done.
RORY: This isn't Shakespeare.
JESS: It's not?
RORY: It's the words to a Clash song.
JESS: Ah, now, but which Clash song?
RORY: Hey, I'm not the one being tested right now.
JESS: Ten seconds.
RORY: Jess.
JESS: Nine, eight, seven.
RORY: Stop it.
JESS: Six, five, four.
RORY: You know you're really starting to. . .
JESS: Three.
RORY: Ooh, ooh, g*n of Brixton!
JESS: A plus.
RORY: Why would you even agree to this studying thing in the first place?
JESS: Because Luke said I had to.
RORY: You've never done anything because someone said you had to.
JESS: I moved here because someone said I had to.
RORY: Very different.
JESS: Yeah, well. . .hey, do you wanna get outta here?
RORY: What?
JESS: I'm sick of studying.
RORY: How can you be sick of studying? You haven't done any studying. You've done card tricks, you've made coffee, you've tried to explain to me how on earth Coldplay could be considered an alternative band, but as of yet, no studying.
JESS: That's your car?
RORY: Yes, it is.
JESS: Okay, tell you what. Let's go get some ice cream, and then when we get back, I'll study.
RORY: This is a diner, there's ice cream here.
JESS: Yes, but we don't have any cones.
RORY: Cones?
JESS: I need cones.
RORY: Well, so, if we go get ice cream. . .
JESS: In cones.
RORY: Then you will be a perfect student for the rest of the night?
JESS: That's right.
RORY: I could not believe you less. Here, you drive, I'll read you Othello. Won't that be fun?
JESS: You have no idea how much.
CUT TO INSIDE RORY'S CAR
[Jess and Rory are each eating an ice cream cone]
JESS: Admit it, it's always better in a cone.
RORY: It's always better in a cone.
JESS: Putting ice cream in a dish, eating it with a spoon?
RORY: What is wrong with people?
JESS: Hold the wheel.
RORY: What?
JESS: I'm dripping here, hold the wheel.
RORY: I can't hold the wheel, you're driving. The person who's driving has to hold the wheel. That's the first thing they teach you in driver's ed.
JESS: Huh, I gotta take that class one of those days. Take the wheel.
RORY: Jess.
JESS: I'm letting go.
RORY: Stop! Take it back. Okay, you are taking this wheel back and when you do, I'm going to k*ll you. I'm just letting you know that.
JESS: I appreciate the warning.
RORY: Jess!
JESS: Okay, I got it. Geez, you look pale. Are you okay?
RORY: Death, and it's going to be painful.
JESS: You're not gonna k*ll me. Think how dull your life would be without me.
RORY: Serious question?
JESS: Okay.
RORY: You know you're smarter than most everybody at your school. It takes you like five minutes to finish a book. You read everything, you remember everything, you could ace those classes easily. Why don't you? You don't need a tutor. It's crazy that they're talking about leaving you back.
JESS: Whatever.
RORY: You can do anything you wanted, you can be anything you wanted.
JESS: Rory.
RORY: I. . .is it like a cool thing?
JESS: I could care less about being cool.
RORY: Well, inform me, please.
JESS: I'm never going to college, why waste the time in high school?
RORY: And why aren't you going to college?
JESS: Please.
RORY: What? Please what why is it so crazy?
JESS: Ask my mother, she could give you a couple reasons. Oh, and I'm sure Principal Mertin can chime in with a few good ones. In fact, ask your mother. She doesn't know me all that well but I'm sure she could improvise a few things.
RORY: Do not give me that whole I'm so misunderstood, Kurt Cobainy' thing. You are way stronger than that and I don't even wanna hear it. You have to go to college.
JESS: No, you have to go to college.
RORY: But don't you have any plans?
JESS: Yes, I plan to get out of Stars Hollow.
RORY: And go where?
JESS: Wherever.
RORY: And do what?
JESS: Whatever.
RORY: Wherever, whatever.
JESS: I'll live where I live, I'll work when I need money, and I'll see where I end up.
RORY: You could do more.
JESS: Oh, here come the pompoms.
RORY: No, no pompoms, just me saying you could do more.
JESS: So, Courtney, what about you?
RORY: What about me?
JESS: What are your big ambitions?
RORY: Harvard.
JESS: And after Harvard?
RORY: I'm gonna be a journalist.
JESS: Paula Zahn?
RORY: Christiane Amapour
JESS: You're gonna be an overseas correspondent?
RORY: Yes, I am.
JESS: You're gonna crawl around in trenches and stand on top of buildings and have b*mb going off in the background and some wars raging all around you?
RORY: What, you don't think I can do it?
JESS: No, I do. Just sounds a little too .
RORY: A little what?
JESS: Just sounds a little too rough for you.
RORY: Well, it's not a little too rough for me. I hope it's not a little too rough for me, I've been talking about this forever. I mean, I don't even know what I would do if .
JESS: Hey, I didn't mean to freak you out. I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll do it. You will, I promise. I'll help you practice, okay? Tomorrow, you'll stand in the middle of the street and I will drive straight at you screaming in a foreign language.
RORY: Well, you're gonna have to learn a foreign language first.
JESS: Well, it's lucky I've got me a tutor, isn't it? Okay, so I guess we should be getting back. I did promise to study if you went on this ice cream run with me.
RORY: Yes, you did.
JESS: Okay, so I just go straight and we'll be back at Luke's.
RORY: Good sense of direction.
JESS: Of course, I could turn right and then we'd just be driving around in circles for awhile.
RORY: Turn right.
JESS: As you wish.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is standing at the kitchen table as the phone rings]
LORELAI: Hello?
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Oh, Rory, great. Tell me, was it the China Ball, the China Doll, or the China Wall that had the really good shrimp balls?
RORY: I think it was the China Doll.
LORELAI: Okay, these can go. You'll be so proud of me, I'm organizing the takeout drawer. I'm weeding out all the dogs and I'm putting happy face stickers on the dishes that have been huge successes to make our ordering more efficient. Where are you?
RORY: I need you to be calm.
LORELAI: Calm about what?
RORY: Calm about what I have to tell you.
LORELAI: What where are you?
RORY: I'm all right.
LORELAI: Well, of course you're all right why wouldn't you be all right?
RORY: Because. . .I got in an accident.
LORELAI: What? What accident? What do you mean you got in an accident?
RORY: Jess and I went for ice cream and we were just driving and it was dark and this dog or cat or possum, I don't know it was small and furry, and it ran out into the middle of the road and Jess swerved and .
LORELAI: Jess swerved?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Jess was driving?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Jess was driving your car and you got in an accident?
RORY: But I'm fine and he's fine and the furry thing is fine. The car's a little messed up, but there's nothing for you to be worried about.
LORELAI: Where are you?
RORY: I'm in the hospital.
CUT TO HOSPITAL
[Lorelai walks up to the nurse's station]
LORELAI: Um, hi, hi, excuse me, uh, my daughter's here, she was in a car accident. Her name is Rory Gilmore.
NURSE: Okay, just take a seat.
LORELAI: I don't wanna take a seat.
NURSE: It'll be one minute.
LORELAI: Hey, do you remember in Terms of Endearment, that scene where Shirley MacLaine is in the hospital and freaks out because they won't give her daughter a sh*t? She got that from me and she toned it down a little. So, once again, I'm looking for my daughter, Rory Gilmore?
NURSE: First door on your left.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[Lorelai walks into the room a doctor is wrapping Rory's arm]
LORELAI: Rory, good. Are you okay?
RORY: I'm fine.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: Please tell her that I'm fine.
DOCTOR: She's fine.
LORELAI: Well, then, what's with the wrapping?
DOCTOR: Well - .
LORELAI: If she's fine, there'd be no wrapping. There's no wrapping if she's fine.
DOCTOR: Her arm h*t the dashboard. She sustained a minor hairline fracture to her wrist.
LORELAI: So she broke her wrist?
RORY: No, it's just a fracture.
LORELAI: Honey, let George Clooney talk here, okay?
DOCTOR: It's a tiny fracture, absolutely nothing serious. I'm gonna put a cast on it. She'll wear it for a couple weeks, that's it.
LORELAI: A cast?
RORY: It barely hurts, I swear.
LORELAI: And that's it just the wrist, everything else is fine?
DOCTOR: She seems perfectly healthy.
LORELAI: She seems healthy? Did you check everything out?
DOCTOR: Well, we checked almost everything that could've been affected, yes.
LORELAI: Almost everything?
DOCTOR: Miss Gilmore, I assure you, we were very thorough.
LORELAI: I'm sure you were, I just would like some extra thorough. Uh, anything that could've possibly, in any scenario, affected this body, I want it checked out.
DOCTOR: I'll run a few more x-rays if that'll make you feel better.
LORELAI: It will, thank you.
DOCTOR: And then we'll put the cast on her, so it's gonna be a little while before she's out of here.
LORELAI: I can wait.
DOCTOR: Okay. Rory, I'll be right back. You sit still for a minute, okay?
RORY: Okay.
[doctor leaves]
LORELAI: Aw.
RORY: The car's not so good.
LORELAI: Oh, nobody cares about the car.
RORY: Jess made sure that he called the ambulance and that I was okay before he even talked to the police and .
LORELAI: Let's just hear about the details later, okay? I just want you to relax now.
RORY: You're not mad?
LORELAI: No, I'm not mad. So they, they uh, brought you in the ambulance?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Did they use the siren?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: I hope Taylor was in bed already.
RORY: It was after nine so there's a good chance he was.
LORELAI: Nice.
[the doctor returns]
DOCTOR: Okay, Rory, I'm gonna have the nurse take you down to x-ray now.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Oh, can I go with her?
DOCTOR: I'm sorry, you have to wait outside. It'll be about an hour if you wanna go grab some coffee or something.
LORELAI: Okay, thanks. Smile pretty for the camera.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Thanks.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai bangs on the door]
LORELAI: Luke! Luke!
[Luke opens the door and Lorelai rushes into the diner]
LUKE: Hey, I was .
LORELAI: Where is he?
LUKE: Who?
LORELAI: Jess! Where's Jess, Luke?
LUKE: I don't know, I just got back. What's going on? I got here and they weren't here.
LORELAI: Jess!
LUKE: Hey, talk to me!
[cut to the upstairs hallway]
LORELAI: Jess, answer me right now!
LUKE: What's wrong, what happened?
LORELAI: There was an accident.
[they walk inside the apartment and Lorelai looks around for Jess]
LUKE: What - what accident?
LORELAI: Jess!
LUKE: What accident?
LORELAI: Jess was driving Rory's car and he crashed it.
LUKE: What, when?
LORELAI: What do you mean, when? Tonight, tonight he crashed it tonight! Jess, dammit!
[Lorelai walks out of the apartment]
LUKE: What happened? Is anyone hurt? Lorelai!
[Luke follows her down into the diner]
LUKE: Hey, I'm talking to you here.
LORELAI: Where would he be? Where would he go?
LUKE: I asked you if anyone was hurt?
LORELAI: Uh, was anyone hurt? Well, let's see. Uh, Rory's in the emergency room now with a fractured wrist, so yeah, I'd say someone was hurt.
LUKE: Rory fractured her wrist?
LORELAI: Yes, she has to wear a cast for two weeks, she's getting x-rays and tests.
LUKE: What about Jess is he hurt?
LORELAI: No, Luke Jess did the hurting. That little punk nephew of yours almost k*lled my kid tonight.
LUKE: Look, I'm sure it was an accident. Accidents happen.
LORELAI: Not with my kid in the car, they don't.
LUKE: Okay, you just need to calm down.
LORELAI: Why did you do this?
LUKE: What are you talking about? Why did I do what?
LORELAI: Why did you bring him here?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: If you hadn't brought him here, none of this would've happened.
LUKE: This is my fault?
LORELAI: Yes, it is your fault! You told him to come, you let him stay. Everybody hated him, everybody knew he was trouble but you wouldn't listen and you wouldn't send him home and now my daughter is in the hospital!
[Luke walks out of the diner and Lorelai follows him]
LORELAI: You kept pushing them together. You asked her to help him study, you knew she'd never say no. I told you it made me nervous, I told you I didn't like it and I should've stopped it right there. But you thought Rory would be good for Jess, never mind what he'd be for her. That wasn't important at all, was it?
LUKE: Of course it was important.
LORELAI: Why didn't you put a stop to it at the first sign of trouble? Why didn't you make him leave?
LUKE: He's my nephew. I had an obligation to take him in, I had an obligation to care for him.
LORELAI: You had an obligation to this town and to me and to Rory. Where are you going?
LUKE: I have to find out where Jess is.
LORELAI: Well, I'll tell you where he's not he's not in the emergency room having him arm plastered up!
LUKE: Hey, I am sorry about Rory. You know I care more about her than I do myself, but at least you know where Rory is and at least you know that she's okay. Now, I have to find Jess and I have to make sure that he's okay, and if that cuts into your screaming time, well that's just too damn bad!
LORELAI: Go to hell!
LUKE: Right back at ya!
[Luke walks away. Lorelai sees Rory's car being towed away and starts to cry, then pulls out her cell phone]
LORELAI: Chris?
CUT TO BRIDGE
[Jess is sitting on the bridge as Luke walks up to him]
JESS: I made sure she was okay.
LUKE: I know you did.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is lying in bed, Lorelai stands next to her near a small table of items]
LORELAI: Okay, you've got your TV, you've got your books, your magazines, your refreshments, you have your CD player, your assorted CDs. Stan Freberg, Ash, you have your Sinead O'Connor because when life really gets you down, Sinead's really the one to teach you some perspective. You have a pad of paper in case you decide to write the great American novel. And over here you have a tiny but annoying bell in case there's something here that you need but you don't have and you want to summon the common but lovely house wench who will promptly leave her talking mice and come to fetch the Contessa whatever she may require.
RORY: I think what Contessa requires right now is sleep.
LORELAI: Is your arm hurting you?
RORY: Unh uh, but the stuff they gave me at the hospital made me a little dopey.
LORELAI: My little Marianne Faithful. Scooch down now and go to sleep.
[Lorelai moves Rory's armchair]
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Just a little feng shui, go to sleep.
[Lorelai brings in a pillow and blanket]
RORY: Mom, you don't have to sleep in here tonight.
LORELAI: I know, I just think the chair looks nice here.
RORY: And what's the blanket for?
LORELAI: In case the chair gets cold.
RORY: And the pillow?
LORELAI: To keep the blanket company.
RORY: Uh huh.
LORELAI: Okay, everything's in its place. Chair seems warm, blanket seems happy, just one thing missing. . .oh, yeah. [sits down in chair] Goodnight.
RORY: Freak of sideshow proportions.
LORELAI: I love you, too.
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Hmm?
RORY: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: Shh, the chair is trying to sleep.
CUT TO LATER THAT NIGHT
[Rory is asleep in her bed, Lorelai is asleep in the chair. Lorelai wakes up and finds Christopher sleeping in a chair next to her.]
LORELAI: Chris?
CHRISTOPHER: [wakes up] What? Lor. . . is everything. . .
LORELAI: Shh. Come on.
[they walk into the kitchen]
LORELAI: Hey, what are you doing here?
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, I have a really crappy mattress at home.
LORELAI: Chris.
CHRISTOPHER: I drove here as fast as I could and I went to the hospital but you guys had already left so I tried your cell phone but all I got was the voice mail so I came here but the place looked dark so I got the key out of the turtle and came in but you guys were already asleep so I just grabbed a chair and. . . and apparently my evil plan worked exactly as I anticipated.
LORELAI: I'm so glad you're here.
CHRISTOPHER: Me too. How's she doing?
LORELAI: She's in a cast.
CHRISTOPHER: I know.
LORELAI: The doctor said she'll be fine, he'll take it off in a couple of weeks. The car is totally gone and I have to call the insurance guy tomorrow and. . .I don't know.
CHRISTOPHER: Did you find that kid?
LORELAI: Jess?
CHRISTOPHER: Jess, d*ad meat, whatever his name is.
LORELAI: No, the little ferret's hiding out somewhere, I'm sure.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, well, I'm gonna deal with the car tomorrow and I still wanna talk to the doctor, if that's okay, and I'm gonna need a picture of this Jess so I don't accidentally rip the head off the wrong kid cause that would be bad.
LORELAI: Look at you all springin' into action.
CHRISTOPHER: About time, don't ya think?
LORELAI: I like the superhero you.
CHRISTOPHER: Just trying to keep up.
LORELAI: So, are you staying here tonight or do you have to rush back?
CHRISTOPHER: No, I wanna spend some time with Rory tomorrow.
LORELAI: And Sherry's cool with you staying here?
CHRISTOPHER: Rory comes first.
LORELAI: Okay. Do you want some coffee?
CHRISTOPHER: I'll get it.
LORELAI: Do you know how to make coffee?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes, I do.
LORELAI: My coffee?
CHRISTOPHER: One bag of coffee per cup of water, right?
LORELAI: Perfect. Oh my God. When Rory called me tonight and said the word hospital, I just legitimately thought I was having a heart att*ck, and let me tell you, it was not fun. I'm joining a gym tomorrow, that's how not fun it was.
CHRISTOPHER: See if you can get a two for one membership.
LORELAI: Anything could've happened. It could've been so much worse.
CHRISTOPHER: But it wasn't.
LORELAI: No, it wasn't, but it could've been.
CHRISTOPHER: It wasn't. It's okay, everything's gonna be okay.
LORELAI: Hey, about the fight we had the last time you were here. . .
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, yes, that was a doozy, wasn't it?
LORELAI: I just, I didn't mean to. . .
CHRISTOPHER: No, I shouldn't have. . .
LORELAI: No, but if I implied that. . .
CHRISTOPHER: You didn't. . .I just snapped. . .
LORELAI: I understand.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: Me too. Hey, did I mention I'm really glad you're here?
CHRISTOPHER: I believe you did.
LORELAI: Well, good for me, then.
CUT TO TOWN SQUARE
[On Movie in the Square night, rows of chairs are set up in front of a large movie screen near the gazebo. Lorelai, Christopher, Rory, and Sookie walk toward the seats]
CHRISTOPHER: The Yearling?
LORELAI: Uh huh.
RORY: Great movie.
CHRISTOPHER: Boy, you think they could've gotten the genius in charge of this to come up with something other than The Yearling.
LORELAI: You know, picking a movie that will appeal to a large group of people is hard.
LANE: Rory!
CHRISTOPHER: We'll get seats.
[Lorelai, Sookie, and Christopher walk away]
LANE: Oh my God! Let me see. Oh, that sucks, that so sucks. Does it hurt?
RORY: Only when I remember how I got it.
LANE: Okay. Here angry girl for an angry arm.
RORY: Oh, cool! Thank you.
LANE: You're welcome. [Lane puts a sticker on Rory's cast] So, tell me what happened.
RORY: Oh, Lane, it was horrible. I have never been involved in anything so horrible in my life.
LANE: But what happened?
RORY: An animal ran out into the road and we swerved and we h*t a pole, and my car my beautiful car. . .
LANE: How bad?
RORY: Bad.
LANE: Have you talked to Dean?
RORY: No, he gets home tomorrow.
LANE: What are you gonna say?
RORY: I don't know.
LANE: He's gonna freak.
RORY: I know.
LANE: And Jess?
RORY: Not since last night.
LANE: Wow.
RORY: Yeah, everyone is so upset right now. And my dad's in town and something happened between Mom and Luke and she won't tell me what. I don't know, they just need time to cool off and then everything will be fine. Everyone just needs time. Maybe I'll try to call him tomorrow.
LANE: Tomorrow. Oh yeah, that's plenty of time. No one will still be mad then.
RORY: Sarcasm does not become you.
LANE: Maybe not, but it does sustain me.
[cut to Lorelai, Sookie and Christopher finding seats]
LORELAI: Hey, why isn't Jackson here?
SOOKIE: Oh, he's singing to his persimmons tonight. They've been a little sour lately.
LORELAI: Oh, right.
CHRISTOPHER: Right? You just accept that explanation?
LORELAI: Yeah, why shouldn't I?
CHRISTOPHER: Because she just told you the man isn't here because he's singing to fruit.
LORELAI: That's better than dancing with it. Remember last year's watermelon crop?
SOOKIE: Oh, yeah threw his back out.
LORELAI: Mm hmm.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm facing the screen now.
SOOKIE: The movie's already starting? I thought it started at eight.
LORELAI: No, this is a little pre-movie treat.
[On the screen, the words "a film by kirk" appear. Kirk and a woman walk up to a house]
KIRK: I can't wait to meet your family.
WOMAN: I'm very close to my family.
KIRK: I know this. That's why I can't wait to meet your family.
WOMAN: Remember, Daddy is quite protective. I'm his favorite daughter.
KIRK: He has good taste. I intend to tell him that.
WOMAN: I love you.
[They knock on the door and a man answers]
WOMAN: Daddy.
DAD: You are with my favorite daughter.
KIRK: You have good taste.
DAD: Come in the house.
WOMAN: I love you.
[inside the house, Kirk, the woman, and her parents sit in chairs in the living room just staring at each other. Finally, Kirk stands up]
KIRK: I love your daughter.
DAD: Who are you to love my daughter? What can you offer her?
KIRK: Nothing. Only this. [starts dancing]
[cut to the audience]
CHRISTOPHER: Wow.
LORELAI: He raps later.
SOOKIE: Okay, Jackson needs to see this. Hey, if I can't get him here quick enough. . .
LORELAI: Oh, we are so playing this again after the movie.
SOOKIE: Great, I'll be back. [leaves]
CHRISTOPHER: This town is like one big outpatient mental institution.
LORELAI: Glad you could join us.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, me too.
LORELAI: It's so nice you decided to stay for the movie. I mean, it's really fun being able to say, hey, look, I know that person. I talk to him everyday and so far, he's never bitten me.'
CHRISTOPHER: That's it, I'm definitely coming around more often. You need protection.
LORELAI: Coming around more sounds good.
CHRISTOPHER: I wish I could stay longer.
LORELAI: Well, you gotta get back to Sherry. Don't worry, we understand.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, well, I wish I could stay.
[Rory sits down with them]
RORY: Hey, where did Sookie go? Oh my Lord.
LORELAI: Quick, cover her eyes. She's just a child, she shouldn't have to see this.
RORY: He's taking his shirt off.
CHRISTOPHER: I shouldn't have to see this either. I'm going for popcorn.
LORELAI: Me please.
RORY: Me too.
CHRISTOPHER: Got it, be right back. [leaves]
RORY: I like it when he's here.
LORELAI: Yeah, me too.
[on the screen, Kirk finishes dancing and the dad stands up.]
DAD: Let's eat.
[the movie ends and the audience claps. Patty walks up to Lorelai and Rory]
MISS PATTY: I did the choreography.
LORELAI: Mm.
BABETTE: Patty, doll, come here!
MISS PATTY: I'll see you later.
LORELAI: Bye Patty. [to Rory] So, how are you feeling?
RORY: Haunted by the sight of Kirk's bare chest.
[pan over to Babette and Miss Patty talking]
MISS PATTY: No!
BABETTE: I swear to God!
MISS PATTY: When?
BABETTE: Last night, not long after the accident happened, Luke walked him straight to the bus station, stuck the kid on a bus, sent him home to his mom.
MISS PATTY: I can't believe Luke would send him off like that.
BABETTE: Well, I heard the kid wanted to go. I don't know. All I know is that Jess is gone.
MISS PATTY: Well, well, well. What will we do for entertainment around here?
BABETTE: Beats the hell outta me.
[pan over to Lorelai and Rory, who heard the conversation]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x19 - Teach Me Tonight"} | foreverdreaming |
2.20 - Help Wanted
written by Allan Heinberg
directed by Chris Long
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking past the gazebo toward Luke's]
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Nothing. Are you tilting?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: I think you're tilting.
RORY: I'm not tilting.
LORELAI: Do you wanna hold onto my purse? It might even you out.
RORY: Stop anytime you like. What are you doing?
LORELAI: Well, I'm gonna get a pen and put it on top of your head and see if it rolls off.
RORY: Okay, see, this is not how you console the injured.
LORELAI: You're right, I'm sorry. [pulls a book out of her purse] How about this?
RORY: The Little Locksmith!
LORELAI: And I got it at the bookstore, paid full price.
RORY: Thank you!
LORELAI: You're welcome feel better?
RORY: I do.
LORELAI: Good. . .now can I put a pen on top of your head?
RORY: No. Mom?
LORELAI: Oh good, hold still.
RORY: Forget the pen.
LORELAI: Drat!
RORY: When are you gonna tell me what happened between you and Luke? Was it bad? I mean, I'm sure it was bad, but how bad is bad?
LORELAI: It was nothing.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Look, I was upset, he was upset, we had a thing. It's over, we're fine.
RORY: A thing?
LORELAI: A tiny thing.
RORY: A tiny thing?
LORELAI: A thinglet, if you will.
RORY: You and Luke don't have thinglets very often.
LORELAI: Oh no, Rory, everybody has thinglets, it's part of being a grown up.
RORY: Well, what did he say? What did you say?
LORELAI: Rory, please.
RORY: Well, okay, fine, just answer me this we are on our way to Luke's, right?
LORELAI: Right.
RORY: And when we get there, will we get in?
LORELAI: Of course we'll get in.
RORY: Will we get served?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: Will we get coffee?
LORELAI: Maybe.
RORY: Refills?
LORELAI: Eventually.
RORY: Free refills?
LORELAI: In about a month.
RORY: Okay, the thinglet has grown into a thing.
LORELAI: Rory, Luke and I have fought before, God knows we'll fight again, but it's over, it's history. We'll go in, he'll be crabby, I'll be adorable, he'll forget everything and that, as they say, will be that.
RORY: Okay.
[They reach Luke's Diner there is a crowd out front]
LORELAI: Hey, is there a line?
KIRK: Closed.
LORELAI: What?
KIRK: It's closed.
LORELAI: Luke's is closed?
RORY: Luke's is never closed.
KIRK: I know.
LORELAI: Are you sure it's closed?
KIRK: Well, first I read the sign and then I tried the door in case it was some sort of elaborate ruse.
LORELAI: Designed to keep only you out?
KIRK: There's precedent.
LORELAI: Well, Luke's gone fishing. I think that's great.
RORY: It is?
LORELAI: Yes. He works hard, he needed a break, he took it. I think it's good, healthy.
KIRK: For who? I have blood sugar issues.
RORY: Mom -.
LORELAI: Don't.
RORY: It's because -.
LORELAI: No, it isn't.
RORY: But he never --.
LORELAI: Well, now he did.
RORY: But --.
LORELAI: Rory, he took a trip. Don't read anything into it.
RORY: It's because of the other night.
LORELAI: No, it isn't. And even if it is, it'll go away. Everything'll be fine.
KIRK: Speak for yourself. I left my wallet in there yesterday.
[opening credits]
CUT TO THE HUNGRY DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are in another restaurant, standing near the door]
LORELAI: Why are we standing here?
RORY: Because the sign says wait to be seated'.
LORELAI: Yeah, but we're not automatons, we are rule breakers, and there are like fifty open tables.
RORY: You're exaggerating.
LORELAI: One, two, three, four, fifty no I'm not.
RORY: I'm sure someone will help us soon.
LORELAI: We should be eating, I'm hungry, this is crazy. Don't they want us eating? Isn't that what the point of The Hungry Diner is to feed the hungry diner? Or is the point of The Hungry Diner to keep the hungry diner hungry, in which case they should call it The Eternally Hungry Diner cause you're not gonna get any food here, loser.
RORY: That would be quite a sign.
LORELAI: Ugh, I'm giving one of these paper-topped turkey heads three seconds to seat us or I swear, I'm gonna start to just .
WAITRESS: [walks up to them] Two?
LORELAI: Yes, please.
[they follow the waitress toward a table]
RORY: You're gonna what?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Well, you said you were gonna do something if somebody didn't help us in three seconds.
LORELAI: I did?
RORY: Yes, you did, and then the waitress came over and you never finished saying what you were gonna do.
LORELAI: Honey, we gotta get some food into you, you're imagining things.
RORY: What were you gonna do?
LORELAI: Shh! You're getting screwy!
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Mom? I'm not your mom. Do you need help little girl?
RORY: Oh my God.
WAITRESS: How's this?
LORELAI: It's, uh, perfect, thanks.
WAITRESS: Can I bring you some coffee to start?
LORELAI: To start and finish.
WAITRESS: Need a little pick me up?
LORELAI: Do I!
WAITRESS: Back in a jif! [leaves]
LORELAI: Okay, when she comes back, we're gonna grab her and hold her down and you tell her really ugly things about the world.
RORY: Why don't you get your daughter to help you out with your evil plan?
LORELAI: Okay, now, make nice. [opens menu] Oh, how convenient. They have pictures of all the food in case you've been living in a cave for the last fifty years and you have no idea what a stack of pancakes looks like.
[waitress brings them their coffee]
LORELAI: Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
WAITRESS: Yes, Sweetie?
LORELAI: What are the tiny cups for?
WAITRESS: They're coffee cups, they're for coffee.
LORELAI: What, are you running out or something?
WAITRESS: I'm sorry?
LORELAI: Never mind. Listen, we are very sleepy this morning, so would you happen to have something in a larger size, say a mug, a tureen, a small bowl of some kind?
WAITRESS: A coffee bowl?
LORELAI: Yes, a coffee bowl.
RORY: Bring two, please.
WAITRESS: We don't have coffee bowls, I'm sorry.
LORELAI: Okay, well, then would you mind bringing. . .what do you think two, three?
RORY: Three's good.
LORELAI: Yeah, three of these cute little cuppy things? Oh, and could you leave the pot in the meantime?
[waitress walks away]
LORELAI: Well, looks like coffee, smells like coffee. . .
RORY: [takes a sip and makes a face] The comparison stops there!
LORELAI: This sucks.
RORY: Just put a lot of stuff in there so you can't taste it.
LORELAI: How am I gonna fit my three sugars into Barbie's Malibu dream cup here? It'll be all sugar and no coffee.
RORY: You may prefer it that way.
LORELAI: Man. [glances over and sees Michel at another table] Well, well, well.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I'll be right back. [walks over to Michel, who is reading a magazine] So, what's new for Fall? I hear the sailor suit is hot, hot, hot.
MICHEL: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: Luke's is closed this morning.
MICHEL: By the health inspector, no doubt.
LORELAI: So. . . this is where you have your breakfast, huh?
MICHEL: Until this morning, yes.
LORELAI: How's the grub?
MICHEL: They make an excellent egg white omelet, no oil.
LORELAI: Really?
MICHEL: They use the spray. Can you leave now?
LORELAI: How come you never told me about this place?
MICHEL: Because then you might actually eat here and there would be no corner of my life which would be free of your incessant scrutiny. What are you doing with the fork?
LORELAI: Can I have a bite?
MICHEL: Can you what?
LORELAI: Just a taste.
MICHEL: Get away from me. [stands up to leave]
LORELAI: Aw, Michel, don't go. Come eat with us.
MICHEL: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
LORELAI: No, not really.
MICHEL: Good, it's a date.
LORELAI: You, me, here tomorrow?
MICHEL: Never. [leaves]
[Lorelai walks back to Rory and sits down]
LORELAI: Hey, know what? I'm beginning to like this place.
RORY: I'm glad. Mom, I need to ask you a favor.
LORELAI: Ask away.
RORY: I need you to get me out of dinner tonight.
LORELAI: Oh, Rory.
RORY: Dean's coming home and he doesn't know about the accident and if I'm not there the second he gets home then someone else is gonna tell him about it and then that would be .
LORELAI: Horrible.
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: I agree.
RORY: I really hate to ask you this.
LORELAI: Ah, forget about it.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah, absolutely. Make things right with Dean.
RORY: I really appreciate this.
LORELAI: No problem. In fact, it gives me a little extra time to work on my why Rory's wearing a cast' story for your grandparents.
RORY: Yeah? What do you got so far?
LORELAI: Really big bees.
RORY: Huh. Well, it's good you've got the time.
LORELAI: Yeah, it is.
CUT TO FRIDAY NIGHT DINNER
[Lorelai and Emily are walking toward the living room]
EMILY: I'm so sorry Rory isn't feeling well. Is it that flu that's been going around?
LORELAI: Oh, yes, it is.
EMILY: Horrible strain. Bunny Carlington-Munchausen has been bedridden for two straight weeks.
LORELAI: Huh. Well, it must wipe her out just toting that name around.
EMILY: I wonder if I should take a drink into Richard. I hate to disturb him while he's working.
LORELAI: He's working, like work working?
EMILY: That's right. His articles of incorporation arrived last week. He's rented an office. Your father is now the president and CEO of the Gilmore Group, an international insurance consulting firm.
LORELAI: Wow, that's great. So, um, what's the. . .like, how does. . . what's his job?
EMILY: He's a consultant.
LORELAI: Meaning?
EMILY: Your father is an international insurance consultant.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, but what exactly does that mean?
EMILY: He consults on matters relating to international insurance.
LORELAI: Wait, wait when Dad goes to his new office, he sits down and he. . .
EMILY: Consults with international clients on insurance matters.
LORELAI: I don't know why we're not opening for Rickles.
RICHARD: [from hallway] Dammit!
EMILY: Richard, are you all right?
RICHARD: [walks into the living room] No, I am not all right. That was Margie just now on the phone.
EMILY: Oh, how is she?
LORELAI: Who is she?
EMILY: You know very well who Margie is. She's been your father's secretary since you were a child.
LORELAI: Oh, Largie Margie. . .very clever when you're six.
RICHARD: In answer to your question Emily, Margie is well. So well, in fact, that she has decided not to join me in my new business.
EMILY: What?
RICHARD: She's staying with the old firm.
EMILY: But how could she? You were the only reason she even had a job at that firm.
RICHARD: I went to great pains to remind her of just that.
EMILY: Well, this is simply unacceptable. You and that rotund ingrate had an agreement.
LORELAI: There was an agreement, in writing?
RICHARD: Well, not in writing per se, but she helped me procure my new office, she arranged to have all my things sent over, all that was left was for her to accept my formal offer, a very generous one, if I may say so.
EMILY: And she just turned you down?
RICHARD: She had the gall to counteroffer. She kept insisting that I match her current salary.
LORELAI: Oh, Dad, you weren't even offering to match the poor woman's salary?
RICHARD: Well, Lorelai, the Gilmore Group is a fledgling enterprise. I can't afford to pay Margie her full salary right away.
EMILY: But after twenty years, where is the woman's sense of loyalty?
LORELAI: Oh, gee, I don't know. . .maybe with the company that's keeping her from having to stand in line for government cheese.
RICHARD: I'm afraid, at this point, I don't know how to proceed.
EMILY: Well, of course you don't.
RICHARD: I had counted on this.
EMILY: Of course you had.
RICHARD: Perhaps I should reconsider going forward.
EMILY: That may be best.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
RICHARD: I can't very well do it without Margie.
EMILY: No one would expect you to.
LORELAI: Guys, you can't be serious.
EMILY: I wonder if it's too late to get out of my lease.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: You should look into that immediately, Richard.
LORELAI: Whoa, whoa, whoa! There is a baby here desperately in need of some bath water.
RICHARD: What is she saying Emily?
EMILY: What are you saying Lorelai?
LORELAI: I'm just saying there are other options to consider.
RICHARD: Like what?
LORELAI: Like hire another secretary.
EMILY: Oh no. Your father's had other secretaries.
RICHARD: Three in fact, each one worse than the previous one.
EMILY: Until Margie.
RICHARD: Margie was a gem.
EMILY: Margie did everything for him.
LORELAI: Yes, but Dad, there are plenty of other Margie's out there dying to be in that kind of codependent relationship with you. You will find one, trust me. Now she might not be named Margie but if you pay her enough you can probably call her whatever you want.
RICHARD: I don't have time to find someone new. The office is a disaster. Everything is in boxes. I don't know where anything is or how anything works. . . the computers, the phones, even my office chair.
LORELAI: Okay, Dad, I'll tell you what. Tomorrow afternoon after my business class, I will come to your office and we'll get you unpacked, we'll get you settled, and we'll find you someone as good as Margie, or at least cheaper.
RICHARD: Oh, I hate to see you waste your time.
LORELAI: Well, I'll blindfold you then.
RICHARD: I don't know, I .
LORELAI: Dad, there's another Margie out there, honest. Just give it a chance.
RICHARD: An office without Margie. . .
EMILY: Seems inconceivable.
LORELAI: Dream with me here folks.
CUT TO DEAN'S HOUSE
[Rory is sitting on the porch as Dean and his dad pull up in an SUV]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
DEAN'S DAD: Hi Rory. [goes into the house]
DEAN: What happened? What'd you do to your arm?
RORY: [hands him an envelope] Here.
DEAN: What is this?
RORY: Just read it.
DEAN: What Rory, what's going on? Tell me how you hurt your arm.
RORY: It's all in the letter.
DEAN: But .
RORY: Read.
DEAN: Uh. . .[starts reading] Well, I love you, too.
RORY: Good now just hold onto that feeling for a minute.
DEAN: Why?
RORY: Just .
DEAN: Read, all right, I'm reading. [reads some more] What?
RORY: Keep going.
DEAN: [reads some more] What?
RORY: Turn it over.
DEAN: [reads some more] What!
RORY: Go on, you have like three more whats ahead of you.
[Dean kicks his duffel bag and reads some more]
RORY: It gets better at the end. I'll just stand here until you get there.
DEAN: [reads some more] Is he really gone?
RORY: Yes.
DEAN: Okay. You wanna come in?
RORY: What?
DEAN: You can stay for dinner, my mom's making a roast. You like roast, right?
RORY: Um, yeah, I like roast.
DEAN: Okay, come on.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Later that night, Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the kitchen table. Lorelai is covering Rory's cast with a plastic bag]
RORY: And then we just watched TV.
LORELAI: Oh, you mean you watched TV.' Use the air quotes, Sweetie.
RORY: His little sister was there.
LORELAI: Oh, so you watched TV. . .go on.
RORY: And then he walked me home.
LORELAI: That's it?
RORY: That's it.
LORELAI: Did he kiss you goodnight?
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: But he didn't ask about the other night at all?
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: Didn't ask about the car?
RORY: Not once.
LORELAI: And Jess?
RORY: He just asked if he was really gone and that was it.
LORELAI: Wow.
RORY: I thought he would yell and scream. I though he would wanna break up instead, he gave me his corn.
LORELAI: He did? When?
RORY: At dinner.
LORELAI: Oh, so you were already eating. It wasn't just an out of the blue, And I give you my corn.' Okay, got it.
RORY: Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet, maybe he'll be mad tomorrow.
LORELAI: Maybe Dean is even more terrific than we thought he was.
RORY: It's not covering the whole cast.
LORELAI: Relax, I'm not done. [gets a box of Saran wrap]
RORY: Do you really think he's okay with it?
LORELAI: Sounds like it.
RORY: If the situation were reversed, I don't think I'd be okay with it.
LORELAI: If the situation was reversed, I don't think Dean would've let Jess drive his car.
RORY: I guess I should just be grateful then?
LORELAI: Grateful, absolutely.
RORY: [points to a stack of papers] What are these?
LORELAI: These are resumes for your Grandpa's new secretary.
RORY: There are like a hundred of them.
LORELAI: Yes, well, the world is full of eager young people just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by Richard Gilmore. Okay, I'm finished what do you think of that?
RORY: If we were gazelles, we'd be the first ones eaten at the watering hole.
LORELAI: Well, be thankful we're not gazelles. Now go take your shower. You're starting to look like you're starring in an independent film.
[Rory starts to leave the kitchen]
LORELAI: Hey?
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Dean knows ya, hon. He knows you wouldn't do anything to hurt him, he gets it. So, you're lucky, just focus on that. Jess is gone, now you guys can start over.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: And, uh, hey, even though the box says it's safe, I want you to keep your arm out of the microwave for at least a week.
CUT TO RICHARD'S OFFICE
[Lorelai walks into an office crowded with boxes]
LORELAI: Dad?
RICHARD: Oh, come in, come in.
LORELAI: So, let me guess, the Wu Tang Clan had the office before you?
RICHARD: Yeah, it's a bit disheveled, I know.
LORELAI: Wow, it's freezing in here.
RICHARD: Uh, yes, it has been since I moved in.
LORELAI: Oh, did you try adjusting the thermostat?
RICHARD: Yes, that only seemed to make it angry.
LORELAI: So you've been just Nanooking it this whole time, just sending out for whale blubber and mukluks? [adjusts thermostat]
RICHARD: Well, I wouldn't touch that if I were you, Lorelai. You don't know what you're do .
LORELAI: Ah, the wind done gone.
RICHARD: So it would seem, for the moment.
LORELAI: No, no, I turned it off. Here, let me show you. [the phone rings] Do you wanna get that?
RICHARD: No, no, they've already hung up.
[phone stops ringing]
LORELAI: Okay, next time hold an envelope up to your head before you do that.
RICHARD: Well, it's been doing it all day. The phone rings once, and then poof, they're gone.
LORELAI: [walks over to the phone] Oh, that's because your messages are being forwarded to your voice mail. See where it says voice mail.
RICHARD: How could that happen?
LORELAI: I don't know, where's your manual?
RICHARD: Uh, manual. . manual. . .
LORELAI: Uh, came with the phone, probably has a picture of a phone on it. Aha, look what I found under your copper ball glued to the wood thing here.
RICHARD: Uh, it's brass. One of the firm's parting gifts as they nudged me into retirement.
LORELAI: So, in addition to being heavy and ugly, it's also insulting.
RICHARD: Quite.
LORELAI: There you go, that should work. You wanna call me from your office?
RICHARD: Well, this is my office.
LORELAI: Oh, well, whose office is that? [points toward an adjoining room]
RICHARD: Ah, yes, excellent idea. [walks toward the other office as the phone rings] That isn't me calling.
LORELAI: Didn't think so. Should I get that?
RICHARD: Yes, please.
LORELAI: [answers phone] Um, hello, the Gilmore Group. Mr. Hensen. . . why, yes, he...
RICHARD: Ooh! [gestures that he doesn't want to talk]
LORELAI: ...just walked out. May I take a message? Uh huh. . . [looks through the drawers for a pen] Um, how are you spelling, uh, Larry? [Richard hands her a pen] Oh, traditionally, great. Okay, uh, thank you for calling. . .bye bye. [hangs up] Where the hell are your pens?
RICHARD: Uh, watch your language, young lady. What did Larry want?
LORELAI: He wanted to know where the hell your pens are.
RICHARD: Lorelai.
LORELAI: He just wants you to call him, Dad. Where are all the office supplies?
RICHARD: Well, I haven't gotten around to that yet.
LORELAI: Before anything else can happen, you need pens, you need paper, you need. . . everything else, don't you? Especially since I might be tempted to wash my hand at some point.
RICHARD: Well, where does one get these things?
LORELAI: Well, Dad, where did you used to get them?
RICHARD: From Margie.
LORELAI: From Margie. . .I saw that coming. All right, well, let's go.
CUT TO OFFICE SUPPLY STORE
[Lorelai pushes a cart down an aisle as Richard follows behind her]
RICHARD: Good Lord, this place goes on forever.
LORELAI: Oh, it goes on until chair mats and floor mats but if you're not careful, you'll loop back around into inks and toners and be here all day. Stay close. Hey, there's a seat in the cart if you want a ride.
RICHARD: I'll pass. Look at the scale of this place. I mean, no one needs all these options, it's oppressive. Hundreds of paper clips in every conceivable color and size. Now, who on Earth would buy these things?
LORELAI: We would. [puts them in the cart] All right, now, what's the first thing you do when you get to the office in the morning?
RICHARD: Uh, well, let's see, I return the calls from Asia first.
[walk over to a row of coffee makers]
LORELAI: That's right, you make coffee, so you'll need a coffee maker. Let's see. Ugly, crappy, German, ooh - pretty!
RICHARD: Oh, well, as long as it's pretty.
LORELAI: Why is everything worth having just out of reach?
RICHARD: Is there no one here whose job it is to actually assist paying customers?
LORELAI: No, that's how they can afford to sell this baby for forty percent off.
RICHARD: Forty percent off, I had no idea. [grabs the box from the top shelf and puts it in the cart]
LORELAI: Nicely done, Dad. You won't be sorry.
RICHARD: You know, it's suddenly becoming clear to me that I'm an old man. I don't recognize half the whats-its and dodads in here.
LORELAI: Well, Dad, here we have an assortment of magic sticks and when you press down on paper, writing comes out.
RICHARD: I know what pens are, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Good, you pick out your favorites and I'll try to figure out how to explain Liquid Paper to you.
[Richard picks up a couple of pens]
LORELAI: Oh, you're cute.
[Lorelai picks up several boxes of pens]
RICHARD: I can't possibly use all of those.
LORELAI: You won't. You'll lose half of them, then you'll be really happy to have the ones you have left. Now, paper.
RICHARD: All right. This oughta do nicely for now. [picks out a small package of paper]
LORELAI: What, are you going into business for two weeks? You are building an empire for crying out loud. Think big, Gilmore! Plus, if you get the box, it's cheaper. [puts huge box of paper into the cart]
RICHARD: Say, how do you happen to know all of this?
LORELAI: It's how we do it at the inn. You have to spend money to make money, my friend. It's a little tip from me to you.
RICHARD: Good point. What else?
LORELAI: I'd strongly recommend a stapler.
RICHARD: Stapler.
LORELAI: Some extra staples.
RICHARD: Ah, I'm way ahead of you.
LORELAI: Good man. Post-Its.
RICHARD: My goodness, look at all the Post-Its. I had no idea they came in so many shapes and colors. I'm gonna get a twelve pack for myself in various hues.
LORELAI: Wise move.
RICHARD: And one for Emily. I have seen her post notes on her vanity mirror to remind her of various activities.
LORELAI: Ah, she'll think it's Christmas.
RICHARD: Done. Now, what else is on the h*t parade?
LORELAI: Well, it might be controversial, but I was thinking of something in the way of a three-hole punch if we can find one.
RICHARD: Well, I think we're both up to the challenge. Shall we?
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Rory and Lane are walking down the street.]
LANE: Dawn Powell? I've never heard of her.
RORY: Nobody has, which is a shame because she wrote sixteen amazing novels, nine plays, and there are some who actually claim that it was Powell who made the jokes that Dorothy Parker got credit for.
LANE: Blasphemy.
RORY: I know. I'm trying not to hold it against Dawn though, until I have proof that she was involved with the whole smear campaign.
[they walk past an empty shop]
LANE: Hey, look! They finally took the boards off the windows.
RORY: Oh, I wonder what it's going to be.
LANE: I don't know.
[they look through a window]
RORY: What's that in the corner?
LANE: I think it's. . .a bass. It's a bass! And look, there are guitars on the wall! Oh my God, it's a music shop!
RORY: Wow, that is much better than the ceramic circus store we thought was going in there.
LANE: I can't believe it. Stars Hollow has taken its first steps toward being cool. I wonder how soon it's going to open.
RORY: If you keep pushing on the glass like that, much sooner than anticipated. Hey, hold on a sec?
LANE: Why, what's wrong?
RORY: Nothing, I'll be right back. [walks across the street to Taylor] Taylor?
TAYLOR: Rory, hello!
RORY: Hi. Listen, I just wanted to .
TAYLOR: Oh no, just look at that arm!
RORY: It's fine, really.
TAYLOR: Does it hurt?
RORY: No, not much.
TAYLOR: Well, I hope you're not getting addicted to painkillers like those Hollywood people do.
RORY: Um, I'm not, don't worry.
TAYLOR: Good, because pain is your body's way of saying I'm not okay now, but I will be soon.'
RORY: I will remember that.
TAYLOR: You don't wanna shut your body up too soon. That's called death.
RORY: Right. Um, Taylor, listen, I just wanted to apologize to you.
TAYLOR: About what?
RORY: About the other night. You know, my car h*t the bench that had your brand new Doose's Market sign on it and I know how much that sign meant to you and I'm just so, so sorry that it was ruined.
TAYLOR: Oh, well, it wasn't your fault.
RORY: But my car h*t the bench.
TAYLOR: Your car h*t the bench because that Jess was driving.
RORY: Oh, well, yeah, but .
TAYLOR: That boy is a walking natural disaster, they should name a tornado after him.
RORY: But he didn't cause it Taylor, there was
TAYLOR: Rory, you don't have to explain a thing to me. I know that there is absolutely no way that you would be involved in something like that if it weren't for that Sal Mineo wannabe, believe me. Chachi, and Chachi alone, will be held responsible for that incident, okay? Good. Now take a peach.
RORY: Thanks.
[Taylor walks away as Lane walks over]
LANE: So, is he mad?
RORY: No, not at me.
LANE: Well, that's good.
RORY: Yeah, that's good.
CUT TO SOPHIE'S MUSIC
[Lane walks into the new music store. Kirk is standing at the counter talking to the owner]
KIRK: That's my home phone number, my pager number, my cell number, and there's a partial list of references.
SOPHIE: Yeah, okay, I'll hang onto this, but as I said before, we just opened, so I'm not really looking to hire anybody right now.
KIRK: I am licensed to carry a g*n, if that'll help.
SOPHIE: You have no idea how much.
[Lane walks over to a wall of guitars and starts to touch one]
SOPHIE: Can I help you?
LANE: Oh, no thank you. I was just looking.
SOPHIE: We like the looking, it's the touching we're a little iffy on.
LANE: Actually, I was just going. . .[almost bumps into a cello] That probably would've been construed as touching, huh?
SOPHIE: Yes.
LANE: Right. [stops to look at a drum set] Oh my.
SOPHIE: That's a DW drum set with Zildjian cymbals.
LANE: It's beautiful
SOPHIE: Do you play?
LANE: Oh, no. I wish.
SOPHIE: Sit.
LANE: What?
SOPHIE: Sit down, see how it feels.
LANE: Oh, I couldn't.
SOPHIE: Why, your legs don't bend?
LANE: No, they bend.
SOPHIE: Okay, if they bend then bend them.
LANE: Well, okay. [sits down] This is a good stool.
SOPHIE: Yes, it is. Here, you can't sit down at a drum set without your sticks.
LANE: Right cause that would be stupid.
SOPHIE: And remember no touching.
LANE: Right. [pretends to play the drums]
SOPHIE: You look good.
LANE: Thanks.
CUT TO RICHARD'S OFFICE
[Richard is on the phone while Lorelai stacks his bookshelves]
RICHARD: Well, granted the European insurance market still needs some restructuring but it's growing at a remarkable rate. What am I basing it on? Well, Clive, surely you've seen the latest EuroStat. Yes, I've got it right in front of me. [whispers to Lorelai] EuroStat!
[Lorelai hands him a booklet]
RICHARD: Ah, yes, here it is. Let's see. Uh, the highest contributions in absolute terms were reached in the United Kingdom, Germany, and the Netherlands. Uh huh. Well, yes, I would have to look up those specific coding and reference numbers. [Lorelai brings over some books for him] Uh huh, yes, I've got them right here. Mm hmm. For the year, uh, 2001. . . uh, here they are. Uh, yes, are you interested in the Netherlands? I think that's a market that's gonna go through the roof.
[the phone rings in the other office, Lorelai goes to answer it]
LORELAI: Gilmore Group, may I help you? Oh, no, Margie doesn't work for the company anymore. I'm the one who called to schedule the DSL appointment. Well, no, no, we really need the DSL line installed today, it's just awful being without it. Uh huh. Okay, well, um, if you can make it before five, everything's good, but any later than that won't work because the cable modem people are dropping by about 5:05, so. . . well, thank you, that's great. Okay, bye bye. [hangs up] They'll be here in twenty minutes.
RICHARD: I must say, I'm impressed.
LORELAI: Well, I'm no Margie.
RICHARD: Oh, who needs here?
LORELAI: Speaking of which. [hands him a stack of papers]
RICHARD: What's all this?
LORELAI: The secretarial candidates for tomorrow's interviews. I've looked through them pretty carefully, and I think somewhere in there is a Margie for the new millennium.
[phone rings]
RICHARD: I'll get it.
LORELAI: No, get to know your new secretary, I don't mind. [answers phone] Gilmore Group, may I help you?
EMILY: Yes, Richard Gilmore, please.
LORELAI: [in high voice] Oh, um, uh, certainly, may I ask who's calling?
EMILY: Emily Gilmore.
LORELAI: And does he know what this is about?
EMILY: Well, I hope so, I'm his wife.
LORELAI: [giggles] Oh, but Richard didn't say anything about being married.
EMILY: What!
LORELAI: Mom, relax, it's me.
EMILY: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY: Well, you're crude and unprofessional.
LORELAI: Well, I'd like that on my tombstone, please. Now what can I do for you?
EMILY: I'm throwing a little cocktail party at the office on Friday to help launch the new business. Now, the caterers will be arriving at three o'clock sharp to set up, so are you writing this down? You should be writing this down.
LORELAI: I'm scribbling furiously.
EMILY: Margie always wrote everything down.
LORELAI: So does this mean no Friday night dinner?
EMILY: It means we'll see you both at the party.
LORELAI: Bye.
CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD
[Rory walks across the yard as Babette rushes over to her]
BABETTE: Oh! Rory, Sweetie, hold on there, baby!
RORY: Hey Babette. Is everything okay?
BABETTE: I should be asking you that question. Come here, let me see that arm. Oh, you poor little thing. How you doing, huh?
RORY: I'm doing fine.
BABETTE: Aw, look at ya, being brave like that after all you've been through. Geez, it's so hard being a woman, isn't it?
RORY: I guess.
BABETTE: I mean, you've got your morals and your standards and your good common sense and then bam! You meet some guy and all that goes right out the window.
RORY: But .
BABETTE: For every good woman there's a dirty little wolf just ready to lead her astray. You can't help it, he's got the eyes, the chin, the chest hair you could carpet your dining room with. . .I mean, what's a woman to do? We're not made of steel for God's sake.
RORY: Babette
BABETTE: I was in a cult once, did I tell you that?
RORY: No.
BABETTE: I met this guy once gorgeous, tan, looked just like Mickey Holiday. We had coffee, he gave me a pamphlet. Next thing you know, I'm wearing a muumuu, playing a tambourine, jumping up and down at the airport.
RORY: Okay, I really have to get inside.
BABETTE: Oh, sure, honey, sure, you go take good care of yourself. And don't be embarrassed tutz, this has happened to all of us.
CUT TO INSIDE LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory walks through the front door]
RORY: Mom, you here? [walks over to answering machine and plays a message]
LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey you, it's me. I'm gonna be home a little late today still trying to find Grandpa a Margie. So order pizza, money's under the rabbi, hope your arm's feeling okay, Sweets. Buh-bye.
[Rory gets some from money under a rabbi doll on the desk, then walks to the kitchen and gets a soda from the refrigerator. The phone rings]
RORY: Hello?
LANE: I have found my calling.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LANE: I am talking about my future, my path, my destiny, my thing, my scene, my bag. I'm talking about the number one item on my cosmic to-do list.
RORY: Which is?
LANE: I'm gonna be a drummer!
RORY: You're kidding.
LANE: I went into that new music store today -- I don't know why I went in, I just had to. Something told me, Lane Kim, there's something in there that you need to see', and there it was, and it was red and shiny and I'm so excited I can't breathe.
RORY: That's amazing.
LANE: I know.
RORY: But how are you gonna do this?
LANE: I don't know.
RORY: How are you gonna buy a drum set?
LANE: I don't know.
RORY: And even if you do buy a drum set, where are you gonna play it?
LANE: I don't know, I don't know any of this. But I will figure something out, because I am Keith Moon, I am Neil Peart, I am Rick Allen, with and without the arm, because I am rock 'n' roll, baby! I'll call you later.
CUT TO RICHARD'S OFFICE
[Lorelai and Richard are interviewing a secretarial candidate]
KAREN: So when she opened her own office, she asked me to come along as her executive assistant and office manager, which was a terrific opportunity.
LORELAI: I bet! How so?
KAREN: In that I was able to build that office and its staff from the ground up and develop a system from scratch.
LORELAI: Wow, so you have a system.
KAREN: Which helped double productivity and billing hours, but then she got pregnant, and well, here we are.
LORELAI: Wow, story of my life literally.
RICHARD: Well, uh, thank you for coming in, uh. . .uh, Karen. Uh, we'll let you know once we make our decision.
KAREN: Thank you, Mr. Gilmore. It was a pleasure meeting you both.
LORELAI: Here, I'll walk you out. I love what's going on with your shoes, by the way. [walks Karen out, then returns with a bag] Hey, look what I found.
RICHARD: Oh, good, lunch, I'm starving. Uh, do you wanna eat in here today?
LORELAI: Sure, why not?
RICHARD: Oh, good, they threw in pickles like I asked. It's great having this place just across the street, isn't it?
LORELAI: You'll never starve.
RICHARD: Hm, maybe we should start a tab with them so we don't have to pay cash everyday.
LORELAI: Already done.
RICHARD: Amazing. You're like the tiny fellow on that Mash program, always anticipating.
LORELAI: So, what do we think?
RICHARD: Mm, that's tasty.
LORELAI: No, I mean about Karen.
RICHARD: Who?
LORELAI: Karen, the woman who was just here, the one with the system.
RICHARD: Mm, rather inexperienced, I thought.
LORELAI: Dad, she worked as an executive assistant for six years.
RICHARD: Well, she's young, and young women tend to be flighty.
LORELAI: She worked for the same woman for five of those six years.
RICHARD: This roast beef is delicious. It's lean, it's tender. What'd you get?
LORELAI: Cheeseburger.
RICHARD: Mm, I may get one of those myself if we order from the same place tomorrow.
LORELAI: Tomorrow?
RICHARD: Mm hmm.
LORELAI: You mean for more secretary interviews?
RICHARD: Well, whatever's on the agenda.
LORELAI: Dad, you've already seen like three people who would be absolutely perfect for the job.
RICHARD: You can't rush these things, Lorelai. A man's secretary sets the tone for the entire enterprise.
LORELAI: I know that, but
RICHARD: It has to do with chemistry as much as anything else, which cannot be manufactured out of sheer necessity. Besides, you and I seem to be doing just fine for the moment.
LORELAI: Yes, for the moment, but the moment is coming to a rapid end.
RICHARD: Well, what do you mean?
LORELAI: I can't work here cause I have my own job.
RICHARD: I know that, Lorelai.
LORELAI: And I need you to find an assistant soon, like now because I don't even know when I'm gonna be able to come back.
RICHARD: Well, I need to see more resumes. In the meantime,
LORELAI: Dad, I cannot come back here tomorrow.
RICHARD: I see.
LORELAI: I didn't mean that to sound so harsh. I just. . .I meant
RICHARD: I know exactly what you meant to say, Lorelai. I got the message. Well, I won't keep you any longer, I know how busy you are.
LORELAI: Dad, I didn't mean I have to go right now. We can finish our lunch.
RICHARD: Oh, I'm finished. Will you leave the phone number of the sandwich shop for me, please? I'll need it.
LORELAI: All the numbers you need are right there on your desk.
RICHARD: Oh, good. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some of my own work to attend to. Thank you for all your help.
LORELAI: You know, Dad, if it makes any difference, I thought that Karen was
RICHARD: Thank you.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai gets some food from a takeout window]
LORELAI: Here.
RORY: You know, there will be food there.
LORELAI: Finger food, aka snooty little balls of attitude.
RORY: Oh boy.
LORELAI: I need real food, peasant food. Hearty bread, meat, cheese, a little pickle chips, a sauce, a special sauce. This is the food that sustains me, this is the food of my
RORY: Oh my God, just eat the burger already!
LORELAI: How crabby.
RORY: I'm not crabby.
LORELAI: I didn't even get through my special sauce speech. That's crabby.
RORY: Sorry.
LORELAI: Does your arm hurt?
RORY: No, I'm just tired, I guess.
LORELAI: All right. We won't stay very long. Just long enough to get five or six withering stares from my dad, and be taken down three or four notches by my mother, then we're outta there. [takes a bite of her burger] Ugh.
RORY: Not good?
LORELAI: Really not good! I swear, Luke better come back soon or I'm gonna starve to death.
RORY: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: For what?
RORY: Luke's gone because of me.
LORELAI: Oh, honey, he is not.
RORY: Yes, he is. I got into an accident and then you guys had a fight.
LORELAI: Rory, it isn't your fault. If it's anyone's fault. . .
RORY: It's Jess' fault.
LORELAI: Well, yes.
RORY: Why does everyone in this town think that it is all Jess' fault?
LORELAI: Hey, let's not talk about this, okay?
RORY: I was there too, you know.
LORELAI: Rory, everyone here loves you. They know you're not the get in an accident and knock over a bench' girl.
RORY: I know that, and I appreciate that, but
LORELAI: I want you to stop beating yourself up about this. It's over, Jess is gone. Let's forget about this, okay, please?
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: Good. Hey, hand me that burger again.
RORY: I thought you said it was bad.
LORELAI: Hey, that burger may be a disgusting burger but at least it considers me its equal. Ugh.
CUT TO RICHARD'S OFFICE
[Lorelai and Rory walk into the crowded office]
LORELAI: Oh geez. This is worse than the clowns in the Volkswagen.
RORY: A lot of people.
LORELAI: Yeah, do you want something to drink? I think we're three martinis behind everyone else.
RORY: Just water, I guess.
LORELAI: Coming up. [walks toward the drinks] Oh boy, I should've brought bread crumbs. Excuse me.
EMILY: Lorelai, there you are. You're late.
LORELAI: Well, you scheduled this beer bash during rush hour.
EMILY: When traffic is leaving Hartford.
LORELAI: Apparently not when Emily Gilmore is throwing a party.
EMILY: It's wonderful, isn't it? Everyone showing up for your father.
LORELAI: Yeah, Mom, but don't you ever think about scaling back a little?
EMILY: I scaled back a lot. I cut two appetizers, I canceled the champagne fountain, and I reduced the catering staff to six servers, not counting the pointman.
LORELAI: Well, you can't not have a pointman cause then what's the point?
EMILY: If you make it look cheap, people will think you're unsuccessful.
LORELAI: Absolutely right. Better to deprive them of oxygen so they don't have to think at all.
EMILY: It is rather warm in here, isn't it?
LORELAI: Yeah, do you want me to get the air going?
EMILY: No, no, Karen knows how to do it.
LORELAI: Karen?
EMILY: Your father's new secretary. She's wonderful, very professional. [walks over to Karen] Karen, darling, would you mind turning on the air conditioning?
[pan over to Richard and a man talking]
RICHARD: No, I'll have Karen draw up the contracts today. That'll be in the morning.
[The man walks away, Lorelai walks over]
LORELAI: Hi Dad.
RICHARD: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Swell party.
RICHARD: Uh, yes, it's mostly your mother's doing.
LORELAI: So, um, what just went down there?
RICHARD: Down where?
LORELAI: Just now, the handshake with the man in the gray flannel suit did you score a deal?
RICHARD: Well, one doesn't score deals in the insurance business, Lorelai. One builds relationships based on trust and fulfilling the client's needs.
LORELAI: Sorry.
RICHARD: Mr. Lundquist and I, uh, just were -
LORELAI: Uh, Mr. Lundquist?
RICHARD: Yes.
LORELAI: Lundquist from Aero International?
RICHARD: Yes.
LORELAI: You bagged the Swede?
RICHARD: Well, just as I didn't score the deal, I also haven't bagged the Swede. We simply talked, we came to an agreement, we shook hands.
LORELAI: You shook hands, that means
RICHARD: I'm sending him the contracts in the morning.
LORELAI: Dad, that's big!
RICHARD: Yes, I suppose it is big.
LORELAI: That's gigantic! It's a whole new market for you. It opens up all of Scandinavia, doesn't it?
RICHARD: Beyond that. Lundquist is his company's rep for Russia as well.
LORELAI: Russia!
RICHARD: Da!
LORELAI: Look who's taking over the world.
RICHARD: I suppose that would be me.
LORELAI: I see that you hired Karen.
RICHARD: Uh, yes, well, I had to get someone in here.
LORELAI: She seems to be working out well.
RICHARD: Well, she's no. . .Margie, but we'll see. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have several more deals to score now that I have finished bagging the Swede.
[Richard walks away and Emily walks over]
LORELAI: He's really in his element, isn't it?
EMILY: And happier than he's been in years. Oh, there's Rory. I was wondering where she's what's that on her arm?
LORELAI: Oh, I was gonna tell you about that.
RORY: Hi Grandma.
LORELAI: That is a cast. She hurt her arm.
EMILY: When? How bad is it?
RORY: I fractured my wrist.
EMILY: Oh my God.
LORELAI: It's just a hairline fracture. . .it's just tiny.
EMILY: When did this happen?
LORELAI: Um, last week.
EMILY: Last week? Why didn't you call me? Last week, I can't believe you.
LORELAI: Um, well, I meant to.
EMILY: How did this happen?
LORELAI: Bees.
RORY: I got in a car accident.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: I got in a car accident.
EMILY: Oh my God, how could you not tell us that she got into a car accident? Is this why she missed dinner? You said she had the flu.
LORELAI: I just didn't want you to worry, Mom.
EMILY: Yes, well, clearly there was nothing to worry about. It was that car, wasn't it? The one her boyfriend made. Richard was d*ad set against letting her drive that death mobile.
LORELAI: No, it wasn't the car, Mom.
EMILY: Well, then what was it?
RORY: A friend of mine and I went to get ice cream
EMILY: A friend? Which friend Lane?
RORY: Jess.
EMILY: Jess?
RORY: Luke's nephew.
EMILY: Him? I thought you were going to keep that boy away from her.
LORELAI: Mom, do we have to talk about this now?
EMILY: Yes, we have to talk about this now. The child has a cast on her arm. I don't understand how you could've been so irresponsible.
LORELAI: Mom, please.
EMILY: Don't Mom, please' me. It was your responsibility to stop this, it was your responsibility to make sure that he did not
RORY: I gave him the keys. I told him to drive. He wanted to drive back to Luke's and I said no. I wanted to keep on driving and that's when we got into the car accident. This is just as much my fault as it is his, maybe more.
EMILY: Rory.
LORELAI: I've got this, Mom. Can I see you in the hall for a second? [they walk into the hallway] Hey, what the hell was that?
RORY: I'm sick of this. I'm sick of everyone treating me like I'm some kind of mindless idiot being led around by a guy.
LORELAI: No one is treating you like that.
RORY: Everyone is, the whole town is. . . Taylor, Babette, Dean. Everyone in my life, including you, is refusing to believe that I was just as responsible for what happened that night as Jess was.
LORELAI: Really? Were you driving the car?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Then you weren't as responsible.
RORY: What if it'd been Dean, huh? What if Dean had been driving? Would everyone be assuming that it was his fault?
LORELAI: No, because if Dean had been driving there wouldn't have been an accident because Dean is a much more responsible kid who loves you and would've been driving more responsibly.
RORY: How do you know that Jess wasn't?
LORELAI: Hi. . .it's Jess.
RORY: Oh, right, Jess is the antichrist, I forgot. He wanted to get into an accident. He was looking for something to h*t because he's a m*rder with a death wish and he wanted to k*ll us both, right?
LORELAI: I know you think that Jess is your friend, but he's not. He is a completely out of control, really angry kid who has no respect for Luke, who has no respect for me. . .
RORY: It was an accident!
LORELAI: And he was driving!
RORY: So, what, no matter what I say, you're just gonna choose to blame Jess?
LORELAI: Yes, I choose to blame Jess.
RORY: Just because you hate him?
LORELAI: That's right! I'm sorry, but when my daughter comes home broken I get to hate the guy who broke her. That's how it works. He's gone, I win. You are wearing a cast and I get to hate him forever!
RORY: Fine!
LORELAI: Fine!
RORY: Fine!
LORELAI: I just had this image of thirty-five businessmen, six servers, one pointman all leaning up against that wall with glasses to their ears.
RORY: I don't think they needed the glasses.
LORELAI: We've got good lungs, you and I.
RORY: We're never gonna agree on this.
LORELAI: You have to understand -
RORY: I do.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: I don't wanna fight about this anymore.
LORELAI: Neither do I. Do you wanna go back inside?
RORY: No, I wanna go home. My wrist hurts and I'm grumpy and I just made a total idiot of myself in there so I just wanna go home.
LORELAI: All right, well, I'll tell Mom, I'll drive you.
RORY: No, it's okay. It's still early. I can catch my regular bus and. . .you go back in.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: I just want some alone time now.
LORELAI: Are you sure?
RORY: Yeah, I'll see you back at home.
CUT TO SOPHIE'S MUSIC
[Lane is staring at the drum set]
SOPHIE: It's after six, we're closed.
LANE: Five more minutes?
SOPHIE: Nope, now.
LANE: So, you're from New York, huh?
SOPHIE: Yes, I am.
LANE: I wanna go to New York someday.
SOPHIE: Good for you.
LANE: Did you like it there?
SOPHIE: It was all right.
LANE: What part of New York did you live in?
SOPHIE: Okay, look, what's your name?
LANE: Lane Kim.
SOPHIE: Very nice to meet you, Lane Kim. Now you have got to get out of here because I am going to close and you are not going to schmooze me into forgetting that I am going to close.
LANE: Wait?
SOPHIE: What?
LANE: I have to have those drums.
SOPHIE: Great cash or credit?
LANE: No, see, I have no money. Plus, even if I did have money there's no way I could take those home with me because my mother would never stop crying, so I have a proposal.
SOPHIE: Uh huh.
LANE: Twice a week, on Wednesday and Friday nights at six o'clock, I could come and practice here.
SOPHIE: Wow, that sounds great.
LANE: Now, I'm not expecting you to let me do this for free or anything. I'll clean or do inventory or stock stuff or whatever it is that you need done.
SOPHIE: I don't need that much done.
LANE: Well, then, I can do other things also, like, uh. . .oh, hey, do you know Korean?
SOPHIE: No.
LANE: Well, then I could teach you.
SOPHIE: Why would I wanna learn Korean?
LANE: Why wouldn't you? It's an interesting language, and being bilingual in this day and age can only be a plus.
SOPHIE: Please, go home.
LANE: I can't. I can't go home until you say yes. I have to rock, I have to! Please, I'm so begging you let me rock!
SOPHIE: Why Wednesdays and Fridays?
LANE: Because that's when my mom has her Bible group.
SOPHIE: Okay, let's see what you got.
LANE: Really? Oh my God, thank you! [sits down at the drum set] Can I h*t them this time?
SOPHIE: Go ahead.
LANE: Yes! A one, two, three, four! [starts to play]
SOPHIE: I'll be in the back in case the cops come.
LANE: Oh, hey, do you mind turning off the lights on your way out? My mom sometimes walks home this way.
[Sophie turns out the lights, and Lane starts playing again]
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory walks down the street and sees Luke in front of the diner]
RORY: Hey
LUKE: Rory.
RORY: You're back?
LUKE: I'm back.
RORY: You catch anything?
LUKE: Nah. Apparently the fish went fishing also.
RORY: Too bad.
LUKE: Yeah, well. So that's the, uh. . .
RORY: Yeah.
LUKE: Does it hurt?
RORY: No, not really. Just itches a little.
LUKE: Yeah, I can imagine. Make sure you don't use a pencil.
RORY: Excuse me?
LUKE: Your arm. . . you know, when it itches. I broke my arm once itching drove me crazy. Grabbed a pencil, shoved it down the cast to scratch, ya know...
RORY: Bad results?
LUKE: Bad results.
RORY: Got it. No pencils, I promise.
LUKE: Good. So, you want some coffee?
RORY: Sure.
[they walk into the diner]
LUKE: Where's your mom tonight?
RORY: At a party for my Grandpa.
LUKE: Oh, sounds nice. Grab yourself a donut.
RORY: So, have you heard from him?
LUKE: Oh, no. I talked to his mom, though. He got home okay.
RORY: Good, that's good.
LUKE: Yeah, good.
RORY: What about his stuff?
LUKE: Oh, I'm gonna send it.
RORY: Right, makes sense. Luke?
LUKE: Yeah?
RORY: It wasn't his fault.
LUKE: I know it wasn't.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x20 - Help Wanted"} | foreverdreaming |
2.21 - Lorelai's Graduation Day
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Jamie Babbit
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking down the sidewalk]
RORY: Where is this place?
LORELAI: It's not too far.
RORY: You've been saying that for miles.
LORELAI: It has not been miles.
RORY: My feet are sore.
LORELAI: Hey, Tonto, when did you become older than me?
RORY: Just tell me what this new breakfast place is and then I'll be quiet.
LORELAI: It's an amazing new mystery place that I found and that's all I'm telling ya.
RORY: Just tell me if it's in this town or the next.
LORELAI: We don't patronize the next town.
RORY: Since when?
LORELAI: I don't know, didn't they feed lead to our jumping frog or something?
RORY: Oh yeah, right after they stoned the woman who won the lottery.
LORELAI: See, so the boycott's legit.
LANE: [runs up behind them] Hey, wait, stop!
LORELAI: Oh look, it's Michael Landon.
LANE: Oh my God, you guys walk fast. I've been chasing you for the past two blocks.
RORY: Hey, we were being followed.
LORELAI: I told you I wasn't just being paranoid. Maybe next time you'll take me seriously when I tell you furniture moved itself.
LANE: Where are you guys going?
RORY: Mystery breakfast.
LANE: Out of town?
LORELAI: Does no one remember the definition of the word mystery?
LANE: Sorry, I was just wondering if it's okay to practice on your pots and pans again this morning?
LORELAI: It's not like they have any other use.
LANE: Thanks. I've almost nailed the fill in the Ramble On. I just have to stop hitting my face with the sticks when I pull my arms back.
RORY: John Bonham had that same problem.
LORELAI: Key's in the turtle.
LANE: Enjoy your mystery breakfast. [walks away]
LORELAI: Come on, it's not much farther.
RORY: We're not heading toward any businesses of any kind. [Lorelai stops walking] What?
LORELAI: We have arrived.
RORY: Arrived where? [looks up] Aw, you are without shame.
CUT TO INSIDE SOOKIE'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the table as Sookie serves them breakfast]
RORY: Sookie, you do not have to do this.
SOOKIE: What do you mean? Feeding my girls, making them happy, I love doing this.
LORELAI: Yeah, so feel the love and pass the salt.
RORY: It makes me feel guilty.
LORELAI: Eating can help drown that.
SOOKIE: Yeah, yeah, eat, eat. I'm gonna eat.
RORY: Gee, can the help sit at the table too?
LORELAI: As long as they don't sing folk songs or tell bawdy stories. Hey, what's with Narcoleptic Nate over there?
[Jackson, who is leaning against the counter with his eyes closed, moans]
SOOKIE: He's not much of a morning person.
[Jackson moans]
LORELAI: Now say, I can't believe I ate the whole thing.'
SOOKIE: It takes him about an hour to become Jackson.
[Jackson moans]
LORELAI: Ooh, hey, I had a good idea for the wedding.
SOOKIE: Cool.
LORELAI: Instead of those little wrapped things with Jordan Almonds at every place setting, what if we wrap up a few aspirin?
SOOKIE: Aspirin?
LORELAI: For the morning after hangovers.
SOOKIE: That's funny.
LORELAI: Cause Jordan Almonds are so done. Huh, Jackson what do you think aspirin over almonds?
[Jackson moans.]
LORELAI: Can we take that as a yes?
SOOKIE: No. See, everything eventually registers. He'll chime in on this in a couple of days.
RORY: Days?
SOOKIE: Days.
LORELAI: Hey, is Jackson in the house? Let me here you say unh.
JACKSON: Unh.
LORELAI: A new toy.
RORY: Shameless.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is studying at the kitchen table as Rory walks out of her bedroom]
RORY: How's it going?
LORELAI: I hate these books, hate them.
RORY: Now now.
LORELAI: Agh! See that? They're trying to escape they hate me, too.
RORY: Your books don't hate you.
LORELAI: Ugh, Rory, my brain is full. It has reached capacity. It's Shea Stadium when the Beatles played. It's cramped and girls are screaming and I think
George is fighting with Ringo.
RORY: You have a very active head.
LORELAI: I simply cannot ingest anymore information.
RORY: So take a break.
LORELAI: I don't have time.
RORY: Close your eyes, clear your head.
LORELAI: No, because clearing my head just means that all the knowledge I have painstakingly stuffed in there will leak out. In order to make room for stuff, I lose stuff. It's a very vicious circle.
RORY: I'll make some coffee.
LORELAI: I hate finals.
RORY: Nobody likes finals.
LORELAI: Thank God I'm graduating and this is the last time I have to cram like this because my pursuit of higher education has led me to a very interesting discovery about myself. Do you wanna hear it?
RORY: Sure.
LORELAI: I despise academics. Yup, learning, knowledge, it's all worthless. I have no idea in what you see in any of it.
RORY: Learning is fun, plus for me there's that whole "I'm a minor so it's mandatory" thing.
LORELAI: That's what kills me this is self-inflicted. I'm a masochist. I might as well be carrying a switch and periodically lacerating myself with it.
RORY: That diploma hanging on the wall is going to make this all worthwhile, trust me.
LORELAI: I guess, unless I turn into John Nash and start drooling on people.
RORY: Hey, you're graduating.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: No, you're graduating there is gonna be a ceremony.
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. It's community college.
RORY: Well, community colleges have ceremonies.
LORELAI: My community college doesn't even have a lawn, they won't necessarily have a ceremony
RORY: They must. Did you ask?
LORELAI: No. Well, now that you mention it, I think someone said something about some cheesy ceremony for my business class.
RORY: When is it?
LORELAI: I don't know. . .next Thursday or something.
RORY: That's great, you have to do it.
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: You have to do it.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: Yes. You've never been apart of an actual graduation ceremony.
LORELAI: I know. That's because my stupid conservative high school wouldn't let me be in the ceremony and nurse you at the same time.
RORY: Don't be gross.
LORELAI: Do you really think I should do it?
RORY: Yes! You've worked hard for this, you've earned it.
LORELAI: I guess.
RORY: Come on, you know that deep down you really want to do this.
LORELAI: Well, I'll admit, I've always wanted to wear one of those gowns.
RORY: And the hat?
LORELAI: For the tassel cause you know my thing for fringe.
RORY: And they call out your name and people clap and you get your diploma.
LORELAI: Oh, and then you do that thing where you move the tassel from one side to the other very symbolic, very dramatic.
RORY: That's it, you're doing it.
LORELAI: All right, if you insist.
RORY: Okay, who do you wanna invite?
LORELAI: I don't know, you.
RORY: And?
LORELAI: That's cool with me.
RORY: Sookie and Jackson?
LORELAI: Aw, that'll be fun.
RORY: Okay. And Grandma and Grandpa?
LORELAI: Oh, no. No no no.
RORY: Come on, it's your graduation. They should be there.
LORELAI: Forget it.
RORY: But --
LORELAI: They won't want to be there.
RORY: Of course they will.
LORELAI: Rory, I was supposed to graduate from high school. Go to Vassar. Marry a Yale man and get myself a proper nickname like Babe or Bunny or Shih Tzu.
RORY: Yes but --
LORELAI: Instead, I got pregnant. I didn't finish high school, I didn't marry your father and I ended up in a career that apparently Jessica Hahn would think was beneath her.
RORY: That's not - .
LORELAI: I humiliated them. The two proudest people in the world and I humiliated them. I spoiled their plans. I took their fine upbringing in a world of comfort and opportunity and I threw it in their faces. I broke their hearts and they'll never forgive me. I guess I can't expect them to.
RORY: Maybe you're wrong about how they feel about all this. It was a long time ago.
LORELAI: Rory, I don't want them to go. It'll just hurt them. . .and me, okay?
RORY: Okay. You should get back to your studying.
LORELAI: Fine. Oh, great.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I think I've already forgotten everything I read in the last two hours.
RORY: No, you haven't.
LORELAI: Yes, I have. In fact, I may have forgotten everything that I've ever known. Child, what be your name?
RORY: Study.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai, Rory, and Dean are walking through the center of town]
LORELAI: Just explain the concept one more time.
DEAN: And be mocked again? No, thank you.
RORY: Come on.
LORELAI: Yeah, maybe we're missing something.
DEAN: Okay, you go to a special sh**ting range
RORY: A skeet sh**ting range.
DEAN: Right. There's two of you and the guy with the g*n yells "Pull!" and then the other guy releases a clay pigeon from a machine into the air and so you try to sh**t it.
LORELAI: No, I don't think we're missing anything.
DEAN: Yeah, I knew it.
RORY: You sh**t pigeons?
DEAN: Clay pigeons.
LORELAI: When you h*t them, does blood come out?
DEAN: They're clay.
RORY: And why do you like to do this?
DEAN: I don't know. My dad sh*t skeet when he was my age and so he wants to pass the tradition down.
LORELAI: What if you accidentally h*t a real pigeon?
RORY: Yeah, does that count?
DEAN: That's never happened.
LORELAI: What if a clay pigeon hits a real pigeon, does that count?
RORY: Yeah, does that count?
DEAN: I've only done this once.
LORELAI: Hey, if you get really good, do you move on to other animals like clay chickens and clay sheep?
DEAN: You know, we didn't go skeet sh**ting, I just made it all up.
LORELAI: [stops in front of the market] Oh, hey, I gotta go in here.
RORY: Oh, what do you need?
LORELAI: Just general stuff. You guys go and be in love.
RORY: I'll see you back at the house.
DEAN: Bye.
RORY: What if you sh**t the person who throws the pigeon up in the air? Would that count?
CUT TO INSIDE DOOSE'S MARKET
[Lorelai is shopping and runs into Luke.]
LUKE: Oh.
LORELAI: Dah.
LUKE: Sorry.
LORELAI: No, no, I should have signaled or honked or something, my fault.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: Well, um, I guess it was inevitable us running into each other. It's a very tiny community.
LUKE: Guess so.
LORELAI: How's the diner?
LUKE: It's still there.
LORELAI: Yes, I knew that. I'm able to empirically with my eyes, uh. . .Hey Luke, do you think we could
LUKE: I gotta get back.
LORELAI: Okay, right, right.
CUT TO INSIDE THE ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings]
EMILY: I'll get it.
[Emily opens the door]
RORY: Hi Grandma.
EMILY: Hello Rory.
RORY: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
EMILY: I'm thrilled to see you on no notice. So, tell me, what's this about? You were so mysterious on the phone.
RORY: I just wanted to talk to you about something in person.
EMILY: Well, come in, come in.
[Emily leads Rory to a lavishly set table.]
RORY: Wow.
EMILY: It's an English tea service. One the advantages of our having an English maid. That, and the fact that she speaks English.
RORY: You didn't have to do this.
EMILY: But it's tea time and I wanted to. . .oh no! Beatrice, I told you to doily line the plates!
RORY: You don't have to doily line the plates.
RICHARD: [calls from another room] Hello?
EMILY: We're in the dining room.
RICHARD: Oh, oh, Rory, you're already here.
RORY: You're out of breath.
RICHARD: I ran over from the office.
RORY: Oh, you didn't have to run.
RICHARD: Well, your grandmother said you had something to discuss with us. That certainly justifies a run.
EMILY: All right, everybody, sit, sit. Pour the tea, Beatrice.
RORY: Um, actually, Beatrice, could you hold off on pouring the tea for just a minute? Thank you very much. Grandma, Grandpa, I would like to propose an idea to you. Now, you can go for it or not, it's entirely up to you, but I would like for you to promise me that you will not get upset.
EMILY: We won't get upset.
RORY: And that you will try to keep an open mind.
EMILY: All right.
RORY: And that you will let me finish my presentation completely before you respond.
EMILY: [to Richard] She's been hanging around you far too much.
RICHARD: Rory, we accept your terms. Please proceed.
RORY: Thank you. First, let me start by saying that Mom doesn't know that I'm here. She'd probably be pretty mad if she knew that I was, but I feel that this is important. As you know, Mom's been going to business school at the community college out here for three years now.
EMILY: I believe she's mentioned it.
RORY: Well, she's doing very well and she's finishing up. Actually, she's graduating Thursday, and there's going to be a ceremony and I think it would mean a lot to her if you guys were there. It may not seem like it would, but it's true.
EMILY: Well, if it would mean so much to her then why didn't she invite us herself?
RORY: Because she didn't think you'd wanna go. And I get that, but I think it's a mistake. I had a school thing once, and I wasn't sure if Mom would want to go so I didn't invite her. It was my kindergarten "Salute to Vegetables" pageant and I was broccoli and I did a tap dance with a guy that was playing beets and the entire number I was just thinking, "Mom's not here" and it was my fault that she wasn't there and, well, it was kind of a life lesson for me. Now, if the thought of going to Mom's graduation upsets you or makes you unhappy or uncomfortable in any way, then, please, don't go because this is an important night for Mom and if you go, you should go under the right circumstances. [pulls an envelope out of her backpack] Those are the tickets. It's Thursday, 7pm. It's indoors so weather's not an issue. You can use them or not, no hard feelings, do what you feel is best. And if you don't mind, I would really appreciate it if you would keep this conversation between the three of us. That's all I have to say, thanks very much for your patience. Now, I believe I have time for a scone before my bus leaves.
EMILY: Beatrice, the tea, please.
RORY: Emily, these look delicious. So, Richard, how was your day today?
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sitting on the coffee table with a drink as Rory reads on the sofa]
LORELAI: I am feeling so good, sista, because it's over! No more finals, no more studying, no more school, the pressure's off. Do you know how much pressure I felt, do you? All last week I felt like a giant man and his brother were sitting on my chest.
RORY: A giant man?
LORELAI: And his giant brother.
RORY: Did they have names?
LORELAI: Clem and Clem. Huh, same names, which did not reflect well on the imagination of their mothers.
RORY: Mother.
LORELAI: Mothers. There were two Clems.
RORY: Yeah, cause they were brothers.
LORELAI: Yes, so they had mothers.
RORY: Okay, you're drawing me into your drunken world.
LORELAI: It's not a bad place to be, my friend. Mnh-mnh, t*nk's empty. [walks into the kitchen to get another drink]
RORY: Hey, what is this?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: This, uh, Life Plan' book thing.
LORELAI: A little gift for the grads from the happy people at Hartford Community College. Hey, how many margaritas is too many margaritas?
RORY: Um, if you can't remember where the living room is.
LORELAI: Ha ha, I'm still good. [walks back into living room]
RORY: Okay, here's an interesting question for you "Have you given any thought to how children will work into your future plans?"
LORELAI: Oh, well, uh, they're not gonna stand in my way, that's for sure. I mean, I plan to have some, of course, but I'm just gonna knock 'em out and, uh, have Nanny catch 'em and care for 'em, make sure Mick Jagger doesn't come anywhere near them and then just return them to me when they're twenty-one.
RORY: Well, what about me?
LORELAI: You are my favorite eldest child, you get to stay by my side.
RORY: Oh, I feel so privileged.
[Phone rings]
RORY: I'll get it.
LORELAI: Hey, now, if that's Mick Jagger, hang up and blow that whistle I gave you.
RORY: [answers phone] Hello?
JESS: Hi. [pause] Hello?
RORY: Hi.
JESS: Is this a bad time?
RORY: Um, no, just hold on a sec? [to Lorelai] Um, the music. . . uh, I'll be right back. [Rory takes the phone to her room and closes the door.] Hi.
JESS: You said that already.
RORY: I did. You're right, sorry.
JESS: So, what's up?
RORY: Nothing. What about you?
JESS: Same.
RORY: So, what have you been doing?
JESS: Nothin' much. Just hanging out. . . in the park, mostly.
RORY: Central Park?
JESS: Washington Square Park.
RORY: Oh.
JESS: It's cooler.
RORY: Yes.
JESS: It's where David Lee Roth got busted.
RORY: Right, right. I hope he's got it together now.
JESS: Sounds like you got a party going on there.
RORY: No, it's just me and my mom.
JESS: Right. Okay, well, I'm gonna go. This is long distance.
RORY: Yeah, it is long distance.
JESS: So, see ya.
RORY: Yeah, see ya.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[On Thursday morning, Rory is getting ready for school in the living room as Lorelai runs around upstairs.]
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Ahh!
RORY: What's wrong?
LORELAI: I'm experiencing frustration.
RORY: At the general state of things in the world or at something particular?
LORELAI: What do you wear to a graduation?
RORY: Cap and gown.
LORELAI: Duh, I mean underneath.
RORY: Whatever you want. The gown will cover it.
LORELAI: It's more complicated than that. I don't want to overdress so that I'm sweating if it's hot in the auditorium but if I don't have enough on and it's cold, then I'll freeze.
RORY: It is complicated, especially if you overthink it.
LORELAI: And now I need a helpful comment.
RORY: Take light layers. Wear your turquoise and tan dress that you just got that's cool and it'll look good without your gown on, and wear your turquoise vintagey sweater over it because it'll look great with the dress and it'll keep you warm if it's cold in the auditorium.
LORELAI: You are a fashion genius.
RORY: Well, you've taught me everything I know.
LORELAI: My brain's not working today.
RORY: You're excited, it's a big day.
LORELAI: What time are you getting there?
RORY: I have a bunch of newspaper stuff after school, but no later than six.
LORELAI: And then we'll go out to eat after?
RORY: Any place you want, and it's on me.
LORELAI: You don't have to do that.
RORY: You're the graduate. You get to be pampered.
LORELAI: Okay, then I would like to go to Chateau Jean Georges la Jean Georges in Paris.
RORY: I'll look it up in Zagats and book the Concorde. I gotta go.
LORELAI: Okay, I gotta get ready.
RORY: Wait, wait, I wanna see my little graduate one more time before the big event.
LORELAI: What do you think do I look ready to make my way in the world?
RORY: Yes, and if all else fails, you can marry rich.
LORELAI: I love that we always have that option.
RORY: Hey, what are you gonna do with your hair?
LORELAI: I got the curling iron warming up.
RORY: Mom, the cap! You put it on, its gonna --
BOTH: - smush the curls down.
LORELAI: You are a genius.
RORY: See you tonight
LORELAI: Hey, try to seat us next to a celebrity on the Concorde, like Sting or Screech or someone.
RORY: I'll try.
CUT TO FRONT OF CHILTON
[Rory is walking with Paris]
PARIS: So I told her, "Look missy--"
RORY: You called your advisor "Missy"?
PARIS: It was attitudinal. I said I'm not taking AP calculus from Henemen. I'm going with Branch. Branch is a graduate of MIT and Henemen went to Berkley. Berkley! I mean, he may have majored in math but what did he minor in? Bean sprouts? Forget it. And I'm telling my advisor all this, Mrs. Schlosser, and I looked down in her trash can and there's this half-eaten banana in there. Nothing else. And I pictured her sitting in the shoe box of an office eating a banana all by herself and I almost felt sorry for her, but then she questioned my judgment about Berkley so I eviscerated her. I mean, she was welling up at the end, but she had the decency to hold it in until I was gone. I have enough faculty recommendations to run for student council, so I don't need her anyway. My locker's this way.
[As Paris walks toward the building, Rory turns and goes back out the gates.]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Sookie carries a cake into the room as Lorelai sits at the counter with her eyes closed]
SOOKIE: Are they closed?
LORELAI: They're closed.
SOOKIE: Are you sure?
LORELAI: I'm sure.
SOOKIE: Okay, one second and open, open, open.
LORELAI: Aw, you made me a tassel hat cake!
SOOKIE: Filled with two pounds of crushed chocolate-covered espresso beans.
LORELAI: You're evil.
SOOKIE: And you're graduating.
LORELAI: Yes I am, aren't I?
SOOKIE: Here. Oh, hey, I brought those pictures you wanted to see of my high school graduation.
LORELAI: Hand them over, lady.
SOOKIE: Okay, but don't laugh.
LORELAI: I promise.
SOOKIE: I was younger then, not as refined.
LORELAI: Ha, and you're stoned.
SOOKIE: Totally.
LORELAI: I thought you hated that.
SOOKIE: It was peer pressure. At my school, if Gilbert Garcia offered you a toke, you took it or took off.
LORELAI: Well, I think Gilbert had a snappy slogan.
SOOKIE: Oh, I was nauseous all day.
LORELAI: Your parents?
SOOKIE: For the traditional parents-flanking-their-graduate sh*t. Don't they look proud?
LORELAI: They do, very proud.
[Michel walks into the kitchen]
MICHEL: What is that?
LORELAI: Oh, it's pictures of Sookie's high school graduation. What was your high school graduation like, Michel?
MICHEL: It was dignified, as most French ceremonies are. Poetry was read, a string quartet played, a ballerina performed.
LORELAI: You drank some Boone's Farm out of a boda bag and knocked a beach ball around?
MICHEL: I don't understand half of what you said.
LORELAI: That's why we work.
[Cell phone rings.]
LORELAI: [answers] Hello?
CHRISTOPHER: Hey, Lor, how you doing?
LORELAI: Christopher. I'm good, I'm excited.
CHRISTOPHER: You should be, it's a big day. Did you get my present?
LORELAI: What present?
CHRISTOPHER: A basket. You should've gotten it by now.
LORELAI: Hey, did a basket come for me?
MICHEL: Mm, it came, it was heavy, I felt a twinge so I dropped it for health reasons. It's probably still intact.
LORELAI: My crack staff has just informed me of its arrival. I'm going to find it. [walks into the lobby and sees the basket on a table] Wow!
CHRISTOPHER: I put it together myself.
LORELAI: And it's all for me?
CHRISTOPHER: All for you.
LORELAI: Chris. . wow. [starts looking through the basket] Ha! A twenty-five dollar savings bond.
CHRISTOPHER: That's a long-term investment. Don't touch it for thirty years, you're looking at forty-five dollars.
LORELAI: Ooh, a youth hostel card.
CHRISTOPHER: For the young girl who doesn't mind sharing a bathroom with fifty strangers.
LORELAI: "What Color Is Your Parachute? A Practical Manual for Job Hunters."
CHRISTOPHER: Helping you answer the two questions: what do you want to do and where do you want to do it?
LORELAI: A DVD of The Graduate, gotta have that. Ooh, The Portable Nietzsche.
CHRISTOPHER: Light, cheery reading.
LORELAI: An application to join the Armed Forces.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, if your dreams don't pan out and Nietzsche's no help, it's a viable option.
LORELAI: And something in a nice little velvet box. Ooh, a necklace, and the pearl almost looks real.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, it better look very real, because it is.
LORELAI: That's not funny.
CHRISTOPHER: This is not a funny gift.
LORELAI: Christopher, this is extremely not funny. This is totally humorless. It's. . .it's beautiful.
CHRISTOPHER: I think you're awesome, Lor. With everything you do and raising Rory the way you did, you're superwoman.
LORELAI: Wow.
CHRISTOPHER: Have a great day. I wish I could be there. Take lots of pictures for me.
LORELAI: Ugh, the camera, I forgot the camera.
CHRISTOPHER: Look in the basket.
LORELAI: [pulls out a disposable camera] Oh, you thought of everything.
CHRISTOPHER: Have a great night.
LORELAI: Thanks, you too. Bye.
CUT TO BUS STATION
[Rory gets off the bus and looks around. She walks out of the station and onto the crowded sidewalk.]
RORY: Could you. . .um, excuse me, sir, do you know. . . do you know where Washington. . .excuse me, ma'am. . .Washington Square Park?
WOMAN: End of Fifth.
RORY: Thank you! [to someone else] Excuse me, where's Fifth?
CUT TO WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK
[Jess is reading on a bench as Rory walks up behind him]
RORY: Hi.
JESS: How ya doing?
RORY: Good, how about you?
JESS: Good. You hungry?
RORY: Starved.
JESS: I know a place.
[They walk off together.]
CUT TO NEW YORK STREET
[Jess and Rory are walking down the street]
RORY: I feel very urban today.
JESS: Oh yeah, the plaid just screams urban.
RORY: I think I look like a native.
JESS: How well do you know Manhattan?
RORY: I've been here a few times. We saw The Bangles here.
JESS: When was that, twenty years ago?
RORY: It was a reunion and they were great.
JESS: Yeah, they're okay.
RORY: And a couple years ago Mom drove us in to shop, and she couldn't find a good parking place and all of the parking lots were a total rip-off, so she kept making U-turns and cutting off taxis and we were being screamed at in so many different languages that we just turned around and drove home and bought a Hummel at the curio store in Stars Hollow.
JESS: How very adventurous.
RORY: I'm just saying I'm no stranger to the Big Apple.
JESS: You are if you're calling it the Big Apple.
RORY: So I don't have the lingo down yet, but at least I have the attitude.
JESS: You do, huh?
RORY: Oh yeah. When I was getting a locker for my backpack at the bus stop, there was this guy and he was just standing there staring at me and instead of ignoring him I just fixed him with a really withering stare.
JESS: That I've got to see.
RORY: No.
JESS: Oh, come on, let me see your withering stare.
RORY: It's dangerous. I could hurt you.
JESS: I've been hurt before.
RORY: No.
JESS: I'm disappointed. So your arm's okay?
RORY: Yeah, it looks worse than it is.
JESS: [Looks at Rory's cast.] I like this Emily chick. Friend of yours?
RORY: She's a friend to all of us dispossessed.
JESS: So here's our lunch place.
RORY: A hot dog stand?
JESS: Hey, I eat here everyday. It's nothing fancy, but -
RORY: No, I love it. It's perfect.
JESS: Good. [to hot dog vendor] One with everything on it.
RORY: Make that two, please.
JESS: So, uh. . .how's -
RORY: Luke?
JESS: Yeah.
RORY: Okay. He went fishing.
JESS: Fishing?
RORY: Yeah. He didn't catch anything though.
JESS: Probably used the wrong bait.
RORY: Yeah, that's a common fishing blunder.
JESS: So he's good?
RORY: Yeah, he's good. I can tell him hello for you if you want.
JESS: Whatever.
RORY: [to hot dog vendor] Thank you. [takes a bite] Oh, my God, this is really good!
JESS: I'm glad you like it. So how much time you got?
RORY: I got a bit.
JESS: There's a record store you should check out. It's run by this insane freak who's like a walking encyclopedia for every punk and garage-band record ever made. Catalog numbers. . .it's crazy. The place is right out of High Fidelity.
RORY: Let's go.
JESS: Okay.
RORY: Where you going?
JESS: Subway.
RORY: I thought we were gonna walk.
JESS: It's fifteen blocks. Come on, I think you'll like it.
RORY: Do they allow hot dogs in the subway?
JESS: You are so an out-of-towner.
CUT TO THE COMMUNITY COLLEGE
[Lorelai walks into the auditorium, then follows a sign to the graduate check-in room.]
LORELAI: Excuse me, hi, I'm one of the graduates.
MAN: Wow, you're hours early.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, I just wanted to b*at traffic and have time to get ready and relax, and also, I've heard the early bird gets the unwrinkled gowns without the mysterious stains in them.
MAN: This is true. Take your pick.
LORELAI: Thank you. This is so exciting. Isn't this exciting?
MAN: This is my eighth year of doing this.
LORELAI: So, not so exciting for you, got it.
[As Lorelai looks through a rack of gowns, Emily walks by the open door. Lorelai catches a glimpse of her]
LORELAI: Huh.
[Lorelai thinks for a moment, then goes into the auditorium to see if it was really Emily]
EMILY: [to cameraman] You're being so cryptic. Do you need a power source or not?
RAUL: Look, my batteries are all fully charged. It just depends on how fast they deplete.
EMILY: So, we need one just in case?
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Lorelai, it's hours before the ceremony. What are you doing here?
LORELAI: Um, I'm just getting. . .I'm sorry, what are you doing here? How do you even know about this?
EMILY: I shouldn't know about this? A mother can't know about this?
LORELAI: No, I just mean -
EMILY: You're graduating.
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: So, we're here to see you graduate. This is Raul.
LORELAI: Hey. So, you and Raul are just here to see me graduate?
EMILY: Don't be silly. Your father will be joining me later.
LORELAI: My father?
EMILY: Yes, remember him? Tall, bow tie.
LORELAI: I remember Dad, Mom. I just. . .ah, Rory told you.
EMILY: Yes. That's okay, isn't it? It's a little late if it's not.
LORELAI: Oh, no, it's perfectly fine that you're here, absolutely. I'm just surprised. [to Raul] Who are you?
RAUL: I'm Raul.
EMILY: I just told you that.
LORELAI: Yes, well, did Rory invite Raul, too?
EMILY: Raul is my cameraman.
LORELAI: Cameraman?
EMILY: He's going to be filming the ceremony for us. He's very talented. He screened an independent film of his as an audition, "Welcome to Scab Land."
It was disgusting, but beautifully photographed.
RAUL: It was supposed to be disgusting.
LORELAI: I'm sure it was. Mom, all this stuff. . .
MAN: Excuse me, all of this equipment, it can't be here.
EMILY: Well, obviously we're not going to leave all of this equipment here for everybody to trip over. We're not cretins.
LORELAI: She's handling it. Right, Mom? You're handling it.
RAUL: Okay, this lighting sucks!
EMILY: Can we do something about the lighting?
MAN: I don't think so, ma'am. I don't know.
EMILY: [to Raul] It's a community college, we'll just have to cope. Think documentary.
LORELAI: Mom, please. People will be showing up here soon. You can't --
EMILY: Lorelai, I am perfectly capable of handling this. No one will be inconvenienced.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm just gonna let everyone deal with all this because I need to relax and get a cup of coffee and maybe hammer a nail into my head.
EMILY: You're not needed here, Lorelai. Go get your coffee, relax. You're going to redo your makeup later, aren't you?
LORELAI: Maybe an Irish coffee.
CUT TO NEW YORK RECORD STORE
[Rory and Jess are looking through the records]
JESS: I haven't even heard of half these bands.
RORY: I love that about this place. God, Lane would wanna live here.
JESS: Who's Slim?
RORY: I don't know.
OWNER: Grunge band out of Kentucky. Two albums, plus a double-A side single, disbanded in '94.
JESS: Thanks.
RORY: [looks through the records] Oh my God!
JESS: What?
RORY: Look! [shows him a record]
JESS: Go-go's. You must have that one.
RORY: No, for my mom. This was her favorite group when she was my age, and it's signed by Belinda. This would be the perfect graduation present. I've been looking for something all week long, and I couldn't find anything and now I have Belinda.
JESS: Graduation?
RORY: Oh, from college, from business classes.
JESS: I'm surprised she has time for anything except lighting darts on f*re and throwing them at my picture.
RORY: Well, it's not a lot of time, but . . .
JESS: Uh-huh. Go on, get it. She'll like it.
RORY: Thank you so much for bringing me here. This was fate.
JESS: Yes, it was.
RORY: And in return, I just might show you my withering stare.
JESS: I'm a lucky man.
CUT TO BUS STATION
[Rory and Jess are walking toward her bus]
RORY: I think this one's mine.
JESS: Yup, the sign says Boonesville.
TOURIST: Excuse me, I'm so sorry to bother you. Which way is 44th?
RORY: Oh, um, that way.
TOURIST: Great, thanks.
RORY: I got asked directions.
JESS: I saw.
RORY: He took me for a native. That's so cool.
JESS: That's very impressive. 44th's the other way.
RORY: Oh no.
JESS: Sorry.
RORY: Oh, man, I should go find him.
JESS: He'll figure it out when he sees all the numbers getting smaller instead of bigger.
RORY: He still thought I was a native. That's cool.
JESS: I'm your witness.
RORY: Well, I should go.
JESS: Okay.
RORY: I gotta go to my mom's graduation.
JESS: And give her Belinda.
RORY: And give her Belinda.
JESS: Go on. I'll check on the guy, I'll make sure he's not wandering around looking for 44.
[Rory boards the bus and looks at Jess through the window.]
JESS: Why did you come here?
[Rory opens the window.]
RORY: What?
JESS: I said, why did you come here?
RORY: Well -
JESS: I mean, you ditched school and everything. That's so not you. Why'd you do it?
RORY: Because you didn't say goodbye.
JESS: Oh. Bye, Rory.
RORY: Bye, Jess.
CUT TO GRADUATE CHECK-IN ROOM
[Lorelai is fixing her makeup near the chalkboard. She sneezes and stirs up a cloud of chalk dust.]
LORELAI: Great, I'm Woody Allen in Annie Hall.
LIZA: You thought ahead. Smart.
LORELAI: Oh, the mirror? Yeah, I never leave home without all the essentials: mirror, makeup, picture of Shaun Cassidy. I'm done. Do you want to use it?
LIZA: Thanks. Oh, don't I look charming?
LORELAI: Oh, you look great.
LIZA: I've looked better. I had to run here straight from work -- Kinko's.
ZACH: Hey, Liza, that gets me thinking maybe you and I oughta do a little reproducing after the ceremony.
LIZA: Clever.
ZACH: Don't be a snot.
LIZA: Shut up! [to Lorelai] That's my boyfriend, Zach.
LORELAI: Oh, sure.
LIZA: Of course, we're breaking up 'cause we're transferring to different schools. He's going to Florida State, I'm going to UMass. . .although I'm kinda going to miss this place.
ZACH: I'm not. This place stunk. It's Bush League.
LORELAI: Why'd you go here?
ZACH: My parents, wise investors that they are, couldn't afford anything else.
LIZA: Yeah, I guess that two-point-zilch grade point average didn't reason into things.
ZACH: Shut up.
LIZA: Between the lines.
ZACH: Go die.
LORELAI: Are you sure you two don't wanna give it another go, 'cause you're darling together.
LIZA: Thanks for the mirror.
LORELAI: My pleasure.
LIZA: Hey, a bunch of us are going to Shakey's afterwards for a pizza. You wanna come?
LORELAI: Aw, I'm going out with my daughter after, but it sounds like fun.
ZACH: Okay, you guys are not going to believe this. There's some blue-blooded rich woman out there setting up professional film equipment like she's sh**ting a movie or something.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
LIZA: Whose mother is it?
ZACH: I don't know. Little Precious must be around here somewhere though.
LIZA: I hate people with money.
ZACH: So do I, with every fiber of my being.
LORELAI: Me too. Money people, ugh.
CUT TO BUS
[Rory's bus is still at the station. She walks up to the bus driver.]
RORY: Excuse me?
DRIVER: Yes?
RORY: Are we leaving soon?
DRIVER: I have no idea.
RORY: Well, should you have an idea?
DRIVER: There was an accident, closed the interstate. All outbound buses were told to stand down.
RORY: Oh. And you don't know when we're going to be allowed to stand up again?
DRIVER: Soon, I hope. I hate missing dinner.
RORY: Yeah. . .me, too.
CUT TO GRADUATE CHECK-IN ROOM
[Sookie and Jackson walk over to Lorelai]
SOOKIE: There's our little graduate. Oh, my God, look at that gown. You look just like the Statue of Liberty.
LORELAI: Ah, all big and stony?
SOOKIE: No, you look amazing.
LORELAI: Hmm. You look very G.Q.
JACKSON: Oh, thanks to my best new friend Ermenegildo Zegna.
SOOKIE: Don't you love how he can pronounce it and all?
LORELAI: Very Cosmopolitan.
SOOKIE: He got it for the rehearsal dinner. It's his first real suit.
JACKSON: And not my last. I look hot!
LORELAI: Mmm.
SOOKIE: So, you know that Emily's out there, right?
LORELAI: Oh, shh!
SOOKIE: Why shh?
LORELAI: It's a long story. Just do me a favor?
SOOKIE: Sure.
LORELAI: Keep an eye on my parents, make sure they don't disrupt anything, my mother doesn't behead anyone, my father doesn't snore too loudly when he falls asleep.
SOOKIE: They're not gonna do anything like that.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, have you not met them?
SOOKIE: Why would they come and do that?
LORELAI: They're here because Rory invited them.
SOOKIE: No.
LORELAI: Yes! They can't say no to that little face. It's like hitting a puppy with a rolled-up newspaper.
ZACH: Hey, you guys are not gonna believe this.
LIZA: You're Mr. Announcement Guy today.
ZACH: What, are you going to pipe in every time I talk?
LIZA: Can it!
ZACH: Stuff it!
LORELAI: They're in love.
SOOKIE: Clearly.
ZACH: So, Mrs. Got Bucks out there not only has a cameraman, she's got a sound guy, too.
LORELAI: [quietly] Oh, no.
ZACH: It's like a Baz Luhrmann movie out there.
SOOKIE: [quietly] That's Emily, right?
LORELAI: Shh!
LIZA: Rich people feel so entitled.
LORELAI: Yeah, damn them!
ZACH: I swear, I saw her wipe her face with a hundred dollar bill.
LORELAI: We should line them up against a wall, you know what I'm saying?
WOMAN: Is Lorelai Gilmore here?
LORELAI: Yes.
WOMAN: Oh, good. Have a look at these, will you? [shows her a box of corsages]
LORELAI: Wow!
SOOKIE: Pretty.
WOMAN: Look them over and take your pick.
LORELAI: What for?
WOMAN: To wear.
LORELAI: Are they for sale?
WOMAN: No, they're paid for. These are from your mother, Emily Gilmore.
LIZA: Wow, ritzy.
LORELAI: I really don't want to wear a corsage.
WOMAN: They're all paid for.
LORELAI: Really, it's too much.
WOMAN: Your mother wants you to pick one.
LORELAI: Really, it's okay.
WOMAN: She'll just come back here herself.
LORELAI: This one, thanks.
WOMAN: Good choice. The cameraman said that would look best on film.
ZACH: So you're the rich girl.
LORELAI: Maybe. I'm not rich but . . .my parents have money, but I'm totally self-sufficient. I take nothing from them, except this corsage. . .and my daughter's tuition. So, you gonna stone me?
ZACH: I should have guessed. Look at her friends, they're wearing suits that drip money.
JACKSON: Hey pal, this was thirty percent off!
LIZA: So, that's why you didn't want to get pizza, 'cause it's below you?
LORELAI: Oh, no, no, no, Liza, pizza is not below me. Believe me, I love pizza. I eat tons of pizza. It's one of my four major food groups: candy, popcorn, and pizza see? It's two of my food groups, that's how much I love pizza.
LIZA: I want to believe you.
ZACH: Enjoy your champagne and caviar at The Ritz, Your Highness.
LORELAI: I am not rich! Ugh! [Pager beeps] My pager.
JACKSON: Maybe the suit was a little much.
SOOKIE: You're a fox, now don't start.
LORELAI: [reads pager] Oh, no.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Rory's running late.
SOOKIE: Late from what?
LORELAI: It doesn't say. It says she's definitely going to be here but if she's not here by seven, she'll sneak in the back. That's weird.
SOOKIE: She'll be here, don't worry.
LORELAI: I hope so.
SOOKIE: How 'bout we sit in back, keep an eye out for her, and we'll save her a seat?
LORELAI: That'd be great. Oh, can you hang onto all my stuff for me? I don't want to leave it in here.
SOOKIE: Will do.
LORELAI: Thank you. Bye.
ZACH: Oh, you don't trust your valuables around us poor kids, huh?
LORELAI: Knock it off, Zach!
CUT TO BUS
[Rory's bus makes a stop and some people get off]
SEATMATE: You don't look happy.
RORY: I'm late.
SEATMATE: Buses are the worst.
RORY: Why are we making so many stops? The bus didn't make stops on the way into the city.
SEATMATE: Oh, that was probably an express. This is a local makes a lot of stops.
RORY: I should have checked the schedule. I should have checked traffic. Note to self: impulsive definitely does not work for me. [notices seatmate holding a soda can to his lips] What are you doing?
SEATMATE: Hmm? Oh, uh, it's for my spit.
RORY: Your what?
SEATMATE: From my smokeless.
CUT TO GRADUATION CEREMONY
[A speaker on stage is calling the graduates up]
SPEAKER: Victor David Fuller. . . Nancy Brenda Gatson. . .
[Zach sees Lorelai looking around the room.]
ZACH: Making sure the camera's getting your best side, princess?
RICHARD: [whispers to Emily] Are you telling me that that is the best commencement speaker they could scrounge up?
EMILY: I hope Raul's getting enough sh*ts of Lorelai. I don't want the whole damn ceremony and none of her.
RICHARD: Oh, no, I disagree. I hope he gets every inspired word articulated by the East Coast Marketing Director of Pup n' Taco.
EMILY: Raul!
[As Emily points to the stage, Raul and the sound guy rush down the aisle.]
SPEAKER: Joanne Garver...
[Raul shoves the camera in Lorelai's face.]
LORELAI: Oh, geez. Oh, we're, oh, we're going. . .
SPEAKER: John Lawrence Gilfer. . . Lorelai Victoria Gilmore. . . Gretchen Greeman. . .
[Emily and Richard look on proudly as Lorelai accepts her diploma and moves her tassel to the other side of her cap.]
CUT TO AUDITORIUM
[After the ceremony, Lorelai walks up to Emily and Richard]
LORELAI: Hey, Mom, Dad.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Well, I did it.
RICHARD: Yes.
EMILY: Raul thinks he got some good footage.
RICHARD: I should hope so. He certainly cost enough.
LORELAI: I'm sure it'll be great.
EMILY: Congratulations, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Thank you. I'm glad you guys came.
EMILY: Yes, well, we should get going. I guess we'll see you tomorrow for dinner. [they start to leave]
LORELAI: Hey, wait. Aren't we going to take a picture?
EMILY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: The three of us, me in the middle with the gown, you know the traditional pose.
RICHARD: Well, uh, we don't have a camera with us.
LORELAI: Hold on. [pulls the disposable camera out of her pocket]
EMILY: That's a camera?
LORELAI: That's a camera.
RICHARD: That looks like a toy.
LORELAI: Um, Raul, would you mind? [they pose together] So. . .
RAUL: Okay, on the count of one, two, three, cheese! [takes picture]
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: Yes, well, tomorrow then.
LORELAI: Absolutely.
EMILY: Let's go, Richard.
RICHARD: I'll be right there, Emily. [hands Lorelai an envelope] Congratulations.
LORELAI: Oh, you don't have to do this.
RICHARD: Put it towards something fun.
LORELAI: Thank you, Daddy.
[Emily and Richard leave as Sookie and Jackson walk over]
SOOKIE: Hey, we're so proud of you!
JACKSON: Yeah, you were great up there.
LORELAI: Thanks, you guys. Where's Rory? No Rory?
SOOKIE: She called your cell and I answered and she said she got hung up on something or other and she'll see you at home.
LORELAI: Hung up? Hung up where? Is she okay?
SOOKIE: She said she's fine. She's sorry, but fine.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, as long as she's okay, I guess. Um, well, I should probably get the gown back. Thanks for coming, Sook, Marcus Schenkenberg.
SOOKIE: You wanna go out to eat? Celebrate a little?
LORELAI: No, I think I'll just go home to Rory.
SOOKIE: I thought so. See you tomorrow.
LORELAI: Thanks.
JACKSON: Wait a minute. . .aspirins instead of Jordan Almonds? But we already bought the almonds.
SOOKIE: Wow. Now that's the longest anything's ever taken.
JACKSON: My family's not gonna get the joke. Can't we just use the almonds?
SOOKIE: Okay, sweetie, calm down.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is waiting out front as Lorelai pulls into the driveway.]
RORY: I'm so, so sorry.
LORELAI: You're okay, right?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Everything's working? Your wrist is okay, nothing new is broken?
RORY: I'm fine.
LORELAI: Anyone you know, like Lane or someone, suddenly get sick today or break an arm themselves or get in a car wreck?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Okay, good. Then I can get past worry and move onto other things.
RORY: I know you're hurt.
LORELAI: Yeah, you bet I'm hurt. Rory, I really wanted you there today, more than anything. You're why I did this stupid thing in the first place.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: It was a once in a lifetime thing. You should've been there. My best friend should've been there. Whatever it was that kept you, you should've gotten out of it, at least this once. Was it school?
RORY: It wasn't school.
LORELAI: Was it Paris?
RORY: It wasn't Paris.
LORELAI: Well, what was it?
RORY: It was so stupid.
LORELAI: Well, Rory, where were you? What happened?
RORY: I cut school!
LORELAI: You what?
RORY: I cut school and I got on a bus and I don't even know why I did it. I. . .I have no excuse. I was just standing outside of Chilton, and I don't know, I must have had a stroke or something. What does a stroke feel like?
LORELAI: I don't know. Not good, probably.
RORY: And I left school and I got on a bus and I went to New York. And that's it! I'm grounded for six months, or seven, and no TV, no stereo, no reading. In fact, take all of my books away from me and lock them up.
LORELAI: Hold on here. You went to New York?
RORY: And no magazines, either. And I'm going to do all of the housework. Laundry, dishes. . . in fact, we're going to start eating at home so that we have dishes.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Stop. Why did you go to New York?
RORY: To see Jess.
LORELAI: Boy, do you know how to bury the lead.
RORY: I don't know what happened.
LORELAI: You went to New York to see Jess.
RORY: It was the stroke! It made me someone else, and after his phone call last night -
LORELAI: That was him?
RORY: It did something to me, I don't know what. In fact, you should take the phone away from me, too. That's right, add it to the list. No books, no music, no phone.
LORELAI: Okay, Rory. . .
RORY: I'm a horrible person.
LORELAI: You're not a horrible person.
RORY: I am sick, I'm ill, I'm cracked. This is not who I am. If I were to write this down in my diary and I would read it, I would be like, Who is this freak? This isn't me. This isn't my diary. I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't skip school when I have finals coming up to go see a guy that isn't even my guy and end up missing my mother's graduation, which I wanted to be at so badly. That's someone else. That's someone flighty and stupid and dumb and girly. And, I mean, I missed your graduation, which is the worst thing I could have possibly done. I mean, I hurt you and I had to spend hours on a stinky bus next to a guy that was spitting into a can, just thinking about all of the minutes that were going by that I wasn't at your graduation and they were hurting you, and they should have been hurting you because it was so selfish of this person who wasn't me to do what she did.
LORELAI: Okay, my God, take a breath.
RORY: I don't deserve a breath. No breaths. You should add that to the list. You should b*at me, ground me, take the phone away and deprive me of air.
LORELAI: Okay, look, nobody wants to say this any less than me, but I - maybe you don't have a medical condition or a mental problem. Maybe, honey, you are falling for Jess.
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Well -
RORY: No, I love Dean. Dean is my boyfriend. He will always be my boyfriend. That's it. Forever.
LORELAI: Well, maybe not forever.
RORY: Yes, forever. I love Dean and Jess is gone now and everything's going to be good again. Everything's going to be all right.
LORELAI: Rory, you cut school.
RORY: Yeah, I know.
LORELAI: You got on a bus and went to a strange city in your uniform to see Jess.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: Well, that doesn't mean nothing. That means something. I mean--
RORY: No! I don't want to talk about this anymore. The only thing I want to talk about is the list I made on the bus of all the ways I'm gonna make this up to you. You get total control over the remote and the stereo for as long as you want. Total control over takeout food choices and a special surprise present every day for a month and -- oh my God! I left your present on the bus.
LORELAI: What present?
RORY: It was a vinyl copy of The Go-Gos original album and it was signed by Belinda, but it's not the only copy and I'm gonna find another copy. That's going on the list, too.
LORELAI: Okay, honey, please. Forget about the list until tomorrow.
RORY: Okay, I'll just go to bed then and...I'll go to my room.
LORELAI: Hold on one second. Does this mean I have to eat alone?
RORY: Well, it's up to you. Sending me to bed without supper, you can't lose with that punishment. It's a classic.
LORELAI: I'd rather go out with my daughter tonight.
RORY: I don't deserve it.
LORELAI: No, but I do.
RORY: Okay, just let me take a shower and get the horrible smell of this horrible day off of me, and then we'll go anywhere you want, my treat, and I won't enjoy it. And then we'll come home and I'll go straight to bed and I'll have a terrible night's sleep, okay?
LORELAI: Sounds great.
RORY: I'm so, so sorry, Mom.
LORELAI: Oh, really? 'Cause you didn't make that clear.
RORY: I won't be long.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x21 - Lorelai's Graduation Day"} | foreverdreaming |
2.22 - I Can't Get Started
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino and John Stephens
directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino
OPEN AT INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai, Rory, Michel, and Sookie are sitting at a table in the dining room listening to music]
SOOKIE: Huh?
LORELAI: Sookie, you've gotta be kidding.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: You cannot walk down the aisle to that.
SOOKIE: Why?
LORELAI: It's depressing.
SOOKIE: It's Ella.
LORELAI: It's morbid.
SOOKIE: It's a classic song.
LORELAI: A classic song with lyrics about a woman who can't make her relationship work, whose life is filled with emptiness and regret and pain.
SOOKIE: Oh, who listens to the lyrics?
LORELAI: Anybody not hanging out with Annie Sullivan by the water pump.
RORY: What are these?
SOOKIE: Oh, those are some alternative songs, but I really like this one the best.
LORELAI: Alternative songs, good. Let's see. Hey Jude.
SOOKIE: Paul wrote it for Julian to cheer him up.
LORELAI: Seasons in the Sun?
SOOKIE: Oh, a sentimental favorite.
LORELAI: Cat's in the Cradle?
SOOKIE: Oh, it makes you re-examine your priorities.
LORELAI: Don't Cry Out Loud? Sookie, do you even like Jackson?
MICHEL: Okay, I have a wonderful suggestion.
LORELAI: Great, let's hear it.
MICHEL: Okay, here we go. How about I leave?
LORELAI: And then do what?
MICHEL: That's it. I leave and I don't have to listen to this insanity anymore. What do you think, huh? Because I love it.
LORELAI: Michel, I am in the wedding, which means you have to run the wedding all by yourself, something you've never done before.
MICHEL: Oh, please.
RORY: I'll tell you what, Sookie. How about Lane and I come up with a few more suggestions for you? Still melodic, but not quite as Girl, Interrupted.
SOOKIE: All right, fine.
LORELAI: Great. Michel, how's the RSVP list coming?
MICHEL: Well, I must say this has been especially challenging for me. I mean, when you are talking about a wedding with up to forty people all living within a five mile radius, how can one person be expected to keep track of all of that?
LORELAI: Just an answer will do.
MICHEL: I mean, it got a little hairy there for a moment I almost had to use a second sheet of paper, you know.
LORELAI: You know, I'm not gonna let you annoy me out of making you handle this.
MICHEL: Oh, we'll see.
SOOKIE: Hey, my cousin Carl canceled so I have two empty seats. Anyone else you wanna invite?
RORY: I've got Lane, I've got Dean, I'm good.
SOOKIE: What about Emily and Richard?
LORELAI: Emily and Richard who?
SOOKIE: Your Emily and Richard.
LORELAI: Oh, Sookie, you are way too sweet.
SOOKIE: What? She went to all that trouble to help me plan the first phase of the wedding.
LORELAI: The crazy phase of the wedding.
SOOKIE: It was still sweet and I appreciated it. I mean, if it wasn't for your mother, I never would've settled on the color pink.
LORELAI: Why is that?
SOOKIE: Well, I wanted yellow and she said no.
LORELAI: Oh, with logic like that.
SOOKIE: Come on, just ask her. I want you to.
LORELAI: Okay, I'll ask her.
SOOKIE: Good.
LORELAI: What are you doing?
SOOKIE: It's get happier the second time you hear it.
LORELAI: Unh.
SOOKIE: Huh? Snappier, isn't it?
[opening credits]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Rory, Lorelai, and Emily are sitting in the living room before dinner.]
LORELAI: Huh. You know what I just realized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.
RORY: Huh.
LORELAI: I mean, think about it. You never hear the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.
EMILY: Oh, dear God.
LORELAI: Poodle is another funny word.
EMILY: Please drink your drink, Lorelai.
LORELAI: In fact, if you put oy and poodle together in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase, you know? Like, oy with the poodles already. So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catch phrase.
RORY: Oy with the poodles already.
LORELAI: I'm telling you, it's knocking whatcha talking bout, Willis?' right out of first place.
EMILY: Lorelai, for God's sake, be quiet.
MAID: Dinner's ready, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Bless you, Inga. Please go tell Mr. Gilmore. He's in his den.
MAID: Yes, ma'am.
EMILY: Shall we?
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Oh, hey Mom, uh, Sookie wanted to know if you and Dad would like to come to her wedding.
EMILY: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah, it's gonna be great. Small, low key, but fun. She's catering it herself so the food'll be fantastic, and you'd get to see me and Rory walk down the aisle in two of the least obnoxious bridesmaid dresses ever created.
EMILY: Well, that sounds very nice. When is it?
LORELAI: A week from Sunday.
EMILY: A week from Sunday?
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY: The wedding is in one week?
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY: So this is a pity invite?
LORELAI: A what?
EMILY: Someone canceled at the last minute and rather than being left with two empty seats, Sookie asked you to ask us. How nice.
LORELAI: That's not what happened.
EMILY: No, that's quite all right. Far be it from me to be invited with the first batch of actual wanted guests. This is just fine.
LORELAI: Mom, it's not a pity invite. She really wants you to come.
EMILY: Is that so?
LORELAI: Yes, that's so.
EMILY: Where's our invitation?
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Our invitation. I mean, she must've at least given you an invitation to give us.
LORELAI: She thought it would be more special coming directly from me.
EMILY: So she was out of invitations. I never felt so special.
LORELAI: Mom, she wants you to come. There's no reason to be insulted here.
EMILY: I guess I should be thrilled that I didn't just get a call from the road as you were on your way there.
LORELAI: Do not turn this into something that it's not.
EMILY: Do we have a choice between chicken or fish, or at this point do we just bring our own?
LORELAI: Stop.
EMILY: Perhaps she would also like us to pick up some extra ice along the way, or help out parking the cars.
LORELAI: Mom, look, isn't Rory pretty?
RICHARD: Apologies all around. I could not get Adamson off the phone.
LORELAI: Dad, glad you're here. We're just talking about how pretty Rory is. Big eyes, baby. Give him the Bambi face.
RICHARD: Oh, Rory gets lovelier every day.
RORY: Why, thank you, Grandpa.
EMILY: Oh Richard?
LORELAI: Oh my God.
EMILY: Guess what Lorelai just told me?
RICHARD: What?
EMILY: We are invited to Sookie's wedding.
RICHARD: Oh, how nice. When is it?
EMILY: A week from Sunday.
RICHARD: Oh, so it's a pity invite.
EMILY: Ha!
LORELAI: Oy with the poodles already.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Rory and Dean are at a table eating breakfast.]
RORY: How are your pancakes?
DEAN: Good.
RORY: Good or really good?
DEAN: Good.
RORY: So, not really good?
DEAN: Fine, really good.
RORY: Okay. But are they great?
DEAN: Rory, uh, would you perhaps like to trade breakfasts?
RORY: You mean, your pancakes for my eggs?
DEAN: Yup.
RORY: Um, okay. Wow, you're crazy, these pancakes are great.
[Lorelai walks by the window outside]
DEAN: That's twelve.
RORY: Mm, two more and she'll come in.
DEAN: I don't know. She's been walking back and forth out there for twenty minutes and she still hasn't made it to the door.
RORY: Yeah, but look how much closer to the building she's gotten.
DEAN: Why don't we just bring her something out?
RORY: No. She and Luke have been in this fight for too long, she's gotta do this.
DEAN: You're cruel.
RORY: Tough love, baby. Oops, I think she's coming in.
DEAN: How can you tell?
RORY: She's got shoe sale face on.
[Lorelai walks in and sits down]
LORELAI: Okay, I did it, I'm in.
RORY: Good girl.
LORELAI: It wasn't so bad. Took awhile, but not so bad. Wait, why are you eating?
RORY: You took thirty minutes to come in.
LORELAI: But I'm here now and hey, I'm like cheese.
DEAN: What?
RORY: She gets better with time.
DEAN: Ah.
RORY: Sorry gouda, we've got school.
LORELAI: But
RORY: Order breakfast and I'll leave you the paper.
LORELAI: No, but
RORY: I'll see you tonight.
LORELAI: Dean, don't leave me.
RORY: You'll do fine. You'll do fine.
[Rory and Dean leave; Lorelai walks up to Luke at the counter]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hello.
LORELAI: Oh, good donut selection this morning, really. Good variety, good color, good goodness, good . . . Well, so the choices are there. It all comes down to what I'm in the mood for. Sprinkled or chocolate or jelly or glazed, maple or kiki or apple or, uh, raised. Little donut rhyme there. Never mind. Can I have a chocolate and a sprinkled please?
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: So, this is how it's gonna be with us now, huh?
LUKE: No idea what you're talking about.
LORELAI: You're pulling a Mr. Freeze on me.
LUKE: I'm not pulling a Mr. Freeze on you.
LORELAI: Please. I'm gonna need snow chains just to get out of here.
LUKE: I assume you want coffee with your donuts.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, Luke. It was a bad night. I completely freaked out. I said some things. . .did you get my note? I wrote you a note.
LUKE: Got your note.
LORELAI: You got my note. Did you read my note?
LUKE: Read your note.
LORELAI: And?
LUKE: It was very well-written
LORELAI: That's it?
LUKE: I also enjoyed the Garfield stationary. That's one funny cat.
LORELAI: I said I was sorry, Luke.
LUKE: Yes, you did.
LORELAI: I said it like a million times.
LUKE: You said it four times, but I understand you're embellishing for dramatic effects.
LORELAI: Stop.
LUKE: Stop what?
LORELAI: Oh, stop this robot talk. If you're mad, just act like you're mad at me.
LUKE: I'm not mad at you.
LORELAI: You're being really, really unfair. Rory was in the hospital.
LUKE: Lorelai, what is it exactly that you want me to do? I'm not mad, I'm not holding a grudge, I heard your apology, I feel I'm being polite, I listened to your donut bit, I got you your coffee. What would make you happy?
LORELAI: I want Luke back.
LUKE: He's standing right here.
LORELAI: No, he's not.
[Lorelai walks out of the diner]
CUT TO CHILTON AUDITORIUM
[Paris is at a podium on stage addressing a room full of students]
PARIS: Better drinking fountains, updated lockers, clearly marked boys' and girls' restrooms, non-dairy and wheat-free alternatives to the cafeteria, a larger voice in the monetary dispersal of charitable funds donated to our institution because it is our institution, yours and mine. Remember people, if Chilton soars, we soar. If Chilton fails, we fail. It is up to us, we must get involved, we must care. It is not enough to sign a petition to get a Little Debbie machine installed in the senior corridor. Snack cakes will not change the world. Cream filling will not decide our legacy. How will future generations of Chilton students remember the class of 2003? John F. Kennedy once said, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. Those eloquent words are just as relevant to here in this hall today. What can you, the future of Chilton, of America, of the world, what can you do for your school? I will tell you what you can do. You can vote for me, Paris Gellar, for student body president, and let me start tomorrow for you today. Thank you.
MRS. O'MALLEY: Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank Reese McGinly, Schatzi Leason and Paris Gellar, your presidential candidates for next year. Elections will be held this Friday. Good luck to all of you. This concludes today's assembly. You are all dismissed.
[As people exit the auditorium, Paris walks over to Rory, who is writing in a notebook]
PARIS: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
PARIS: Did you get the Little Debbie comment?
RORY: Uh huh.
PARIS: All of it? The cream filling, the snack cake?
RORY: Every delicious morsel.
PARIS: Good, good. So, how do you think it went?
RORY: I think it went fine.
PARIS: Fine, as is better than Reese and Schatzi?
RORY: Fine as in fine.
PARIS: Well, how are you skewing the article?
RORY: Well, you'll have to wait and read about it in the Franklin like everyone else.
PARIS: Fine, write whatever you want.
RORY: I will.
PARIS: Just make sure you mention that Schatzi pulling the Sharon Stone/Basic Instinct bit was a cheap attempt to distract the whole student body from my mandatory recycling program.
RORY: Go away, Randolph.
[Madeline and Paris enter the auditorium]
MADELINE: We got it!
PARIS: [walks over to them] You do? Well, come on, tell me.
LOUISE: Okay, a hundred and fifty students were polled.
MADELINE: A total cross section.
LOUISE: We talked to people that we should never have even had to stand near.
MADELINE: The hairstyles alone proved the Farrelly brothers are not making this stuff up.
PARIS: I'm sorry, have I ever been mistaken for a patient person?
MADELINE: Right, sorry. Okay, so we added the votes up.
PARIS: You added?
MADELINE: She added.
PARIS: Good, continue.
MADELINE: Okay, when asked which of the three candidates is the most qualified for the job of president, ninety percent said you.
PARIS: Really?
LOUISE: And when asked who of the three candidates would be the most competent president, overwhelmingly the answer was once again you.
PARIS: So that's it, I'm in.
MADELINE: Not quite.
PARIS: How is that not quite? Most competent and most qualified, what else is there?
LOUISE: Well, we also polled likability.
PARIS: And?
MADELINE: And while people think you're smart. . .
PARIS: And competent.
LOUISE: And competent, they also find you, well, a tad. . .
MADELINE: Scary.
LOUISE: Someone thought a Halloween mask of you would sell big.
PARIS: Well, fine, they don't like me. Big deal, right? I'm still most competent.
LOUISE: Yes, but when asked if the likability issue would affect their voting choice, almost a hundred percent said yes.
PARIS: That's crazy. You mean, people would rather vote for a moronic twink who they liked over someone who could actually do the job?
LOUISE: Sad, but true.
PARIS: Well, what do I do?
MADELINE: Hope for a sex scandal?
PARIS: Louise?
LOUISE: Oh, I'm on it.
[Louise and Madeline leave. Paris walks back over to Rory.]
PARIS: Hey.
RORY: Tomorrow with everyone else.
PARIS: So, I have been wracking my brains for weeks trying to figure out exactly who should be my vice presidential candidate, you know? Who would be yin to my yang, Joel to my Ethan, Damon to my Affleck, and then suddenly, it hits me the perfect person.
RORY: Who?
PARIS: You.
RORY: What?
PARIS: It's genius. We could announce it in the Franklin tomorrow, Gellar and Gilmore. We even have the g-thing going. Never underestimate the power of alliteration, my friend.
RORY: I don't wanna be vice president.
PARIS: Oh, come on. Every little girl wants to be vice president.
RORY: Not this one.
PARIS: But you have to. It's the only way. Please? I'm begging you.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: They hate me, okay?
RORY: Who hates you?
PARIS: Everyone. Everyone in the whole school hates me. Oh, yeah, they think I'm the best for the job, but they don't want to go to the mall with me so they won't vote for me and that means I'm going to lose.
RORY: Well, how is my running with you gonna change anything?
PARIS: Because people think you're nice. You're quiet, you say excuse me, you look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning. People don't fear you.
RORY: Hey, I haven't been dressed by a bird since I was two.
PARIS: You will soften my image.
RORY: You're crazy.
PARIS: Please!
RORY: No, I don't want to be in politics. I just want to write about politics.
PARIS: You wouldn't have to do anything. I'll do all the work and make the speeches. You just have to sit there and be nice.
RORY: No.
PARIS: But
RORY: Bye.
PARIS: Harvard loves this kid of crap. Being vice president is just one more thing to put you ahead of the rest of the hundreds of thousands of straightA students who are applying for the same spot you are. Think about it. You say no, then comes the day when the letter from Harvard arrives. They've turned you down. Enjoy Connecticut State, sucker. Tell me you won't be thinking, what if I had just run with Paris? What if the one thing that could've ensured my place behind those ivy covered walls I just walked away from?
RORY: Fine.
PARIS: Yes! Okay.
RORY: I guess the thought of just being nice to people never occurred to you, huh?
PARIS: See, that is exactly what I need from you, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm for the new millennium. Hey, wear some braids tomorrow with bows. I mean, hell, let's sell it, sister!
CUT TO DOCTOR'S OFFICE
[Rory sits on the exam table as Lorelai stands next to her]
LORELAI: So, how do you feel?
RORY: Great.
LORELAI: Not at all sad?
RORY: About getting my arm back? No.
LORELAI: Really? Cause I've kind of gotten used to Casty over here. I mean, we decorated him, we talked to him, we protected him from getting wet in the shower.
RORY: Okay, it's time to wean you off of getting attached to inanimate objects.
LORELAI: Casty, no one understands you like I do. What? No, I did not know Mr. Band-Aid said that to you. Ugh, I will talk to him when we get home.
[The doctor walks into the room]
DR. SUE: How you doing?
RORY: Dr. Sue, thank God.
DR. SUE: Okay. So Rory, let's get this thing off your arm, huh? What do you say?
RORY: Not a word.
CHRISTOPHER: [from hallway] This one here? Wait, which one? Hey, you in the white, come on, point a finger.
RORY: Dad?
LORELAI: Christopher? [pulls open the door]
CHRISTOPHER: Aha, there you are. Is it still on?
LORELAI: What are you doing?
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, great, I didn't miss it. Hey, doctor, I'm the dad.
DR. SUE: Hey, nice to meet you, Dad.
LORELAI: I can't believe you're here.
CHRISTOPHER: Why? I told you last week I wanted to come down for the big unveiling.
LORELAI: I know, but I didn't think you would drive all the way from Boston again. You were just here.
CHRISTOPHER: You getting sick of me?
LORELAI: Frankly, yes.
DR. SUE: Okay, is everyone here now?
RORY: I think so.
DR. SUE: Okay, then let's do it.
CHRISTOPHER: Great, and doctor, if at all possible, we'd like to keep the arm.
DR. SUE: Oh, I'll try my best.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai, Rory, and Christopher walk down the street]
CHRISTOPHER: So where to next?
RORY: Um, actually, I have to get home. I have to review my campaign platform.
CHRISTOPHER: Campaign platform?
LORELAI: Yes, our little Hilary Clinton here is running for student body vice president.
CHRISTOPHER: Wow.
RORY: Elections are on Friday, but I can honestly say that I'm very torn about which way I want it to go.
LORELAI: I spent four hours making picture buttons. You wanna win.
RORY: But if I win then I have to be vice president next year. Plus, I'll have to spend my summer in Washington for some junior leadership program, which means six straight weeks of me and Paris together in a dorm room.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey, how about this? I'll come back here on Thursday night and I'll take you guys to dinner, and then we'll break into Chilton and tamper with some votes.
RORY: We can't.
LORELAI: Thursday's Sookie's rehearsal dinner.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh well, I guess you'll just have to put your trust in a democratic system. Good luck with that.
LORELAI: But if you're gonna be in the area Thursday night, you can come with us to the dinner.
CHRISTOPHER: But it's Sookie's rehearsal dinner.
LORELAI: Oh, she would love it. She's cooking for a thousand. It'll be fun.
RORY: Yeah, I'm bringing Dean.
LORELAI: I mean, if you can't do it, then. . .
CHRISTOPHER: What time?
LORELAI: Seven thirty.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm there.
LORELAI: That's great. I'll tell her.
CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE
[The house is full of people for the rehearsal dinner. Kirk starts tapping on his glass]
MISS PATTY: Ooh, ooh, a toast, everybody, a toast!
KIRK: Ladies, gentlemen, honored guests. Who owns the silver Volvo cause you're blocking me in?
MISS PATTY: Well, it's better than the toast he made at the Ubromowitz wedding.
CHRISTOPHER: How long before I move the car?
LORELAI: Hm, give it another ten minutes.
KIRK: Come on, I've gotta go. My mom is waiting. This isn't funny!
[Jackson walks up to Sookie in the kitchen]
JACKSON: We need to talk.
SOOKIE: What's the matter?
JACKSON: Uh, the bedroom, please.
SOOKIE: Honey, I'm melting chocolate here.
JACKSON: Oh, the chocolate can wait. My father just took me aside and handed me this. [holds up a kilt]
SOOKIE: He handed you a skirt?
JACKSON: Oh, it's not a skirt, it's a kilt.
SOOKIE: Oh. Why did he hand this to you?
JACKSON: He gave this to me to wear on my wedding day.
SOOKIE: No.
JACKSON: Oh, yes. He wore it on his wedding day, my grandfather wore it on his wedding day. Apparently, there's a long-standing tradition where the men in my family get very airy on the big day.
SOOKIE: Well, honey, if it means that much to him.
JACKSON: Are you crazy?
SOOKIE: Well, he's your father.
JACKSON: You won't let me wear shorts in public and you're gonna let me get married in this?
SOOKIE: Well, what're you gonna do?
JACKSON: I'm gonna wear pants. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to come.
SOOKIE: He has to come, he's the best man.
JACKSON: Too bad! [walks away]
SOOKIE: [follows him] Jackson, come on. Shorts are different, they cut you funny!
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, that's it, I need some air. Grab the bottle.
LORELAI: Bossy. I like it.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Christopher walk out and sit on the front porch]
CHRISTOPHER: Wow. I hope the second act's as good as the first one.
LORELAI: Oh, well, it's a wedding. Things are supposed to be horrible.
CHRISTOPHER: When Jackson came out holding that kilt man, I felt for him.
LORELAI: I know, so did I.
CHRISTOPHER: Please, I saw what your face was doing.
LORELAI: What? What was my face doing?
CHRISTOPHER: It was counting up how many Brigadoon references you could come up with to t*rture him with at a later date.
LORELAI: How dare you accuse my face of that! My face is calling Gloria Alred when we get home.
CHRISTOPHER: How many references?
LORELAI: None.
CHRISTOPHER: How many?
LORELAI: Twelve, including a few bars of I'll Go Home with Bonnie Jean.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, I'm begging you, take plenty of pictures of this wedding because I have a feeling it's gonna be a classic.
LORELAI: You know, if you're gonna be in town for the day, you should just come with us and. . .thanks. . .see all the fireworks for yourself.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay?
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah.
LORELAI: Just like that, okay?
CHRISTOPHER: Well, if Sookie doesn't mind.
LORELAI: What's going on with you?
CHRISTOPHER: What do you mean?
LORELAI: I mean, mister suddenly I'm everywhere'. How come you can just agree to come to the wedding?
CHRISTOPHER: Because I can.
LORELAI: Don't you have to check your appointment book?
CHRISTOPHER: It's on a Sunday.
LORELAI: Don't you have to check with Sherry? Chris, what's up?
CHRISTOPHER: Nothing. Sherry's not in town.
LORELAI: Oh.
CHRISTOPHER: And even if she was, I still don't think she'd mind if I went.
LORELAI: Because she's the coolest chick in the world?
CHRISTOPHER: Because things aren't going too well for us lately.
LORELAI: Oh, no.
CHRISTOPHER: She had this big business trip planned and before she left, we had a talk.
LORELAI: Yikes.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. We tried to come up with some answers but we couldn't think of anything, so she left and we said we'd take this time apart to think.
LORELAI: What have you been thinking?
CHRISTOPHER: About finding an apartment.
LORELAI: Wow, um, that's so weird. Last time I saw you two, you were. . .well, nauseating, actually.
CHRISTOPHER: Believe me, we made ourselves sick a few times.
LORELAI: I don't know what to say.
CHRISTOPHER: No, there's nothing to say. It's nobody's fault. It just isn't it.
LORELAI: You okay?
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks.
LORELAI: Well, then, it's decided. You'll come with me to Sookie's wedding and you'll make sure I stop one or two Brigadoon-isms shy of Jackson taking me out with a bagpipe.
CHRISTOPHER: It would be my pleasure.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[The next morning, Rory is sitting in the living room as Lorelai walks down the stairs]
LORELAI: Oh my God, I'm so tired.
RORY: Hey Mom?
LORELAI: Yes, angel?
RORY: Do you happen to know where the almonds I made for table five went?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Cause they were here last night before Sookie's dinner.
LORELAI: Really? How odd?
RORY: Yeah. And this morning, I found some tulle on the staircase leading up to your bedroom.
LORELAI: Hmm. Ghosts?
RORY: It took me six hours to make those almond bundles, Mother.
LORELAI: Well, see if you can b*at that next time.
RORY: So you got home late from Sookie's?
LORELAI: Yeah, I stayed to help her clean up a little. Hey, guess what?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I know something you don't know.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Okay, just remember, it's really wrong to gossip, unless it's true or just way too good not to tell everyone you see, whether you know them or not.
RORY: Got it, what is it?
LORELAI: Well [phone rings] Aw, if that's my conscience calling, tell it enough already, I heard it the first time.
RORY: [answers phone] Hello?
PARIS: How's this sound for a template? I have done my best. I have lost. Mr. Nixon has won. The democratic process has worked its will, so now let's get on with the urgent task of uniting this country.
RORY: What is that?
PARIS: Hubert Humphrey's concession speech. Now, other than the part about Nixon, parts of it really seem to apply here.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: Hey, I'm not going to steal it. I'll paraphrase and I'll give him credit.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: Not that the person who actually wins will even know who Hubert Humphrey is, but hey, I bet they'll organize one boffo senior ditch day.
RORY: Where are you?
PARIS: In the auditorium. I wanted to be here for one last meet and greet, get them right before they walk in the booth.
RORY: Leave that place right now.
PARIS: But .
RORY: People will think that you're insane and generally people are scared of the insane, so see where I'm going here?
PARIS: I'm going to lose.
RORY: You don't know that.
PARIS: Yes, I do. Because even if I win, I only won because of you. Therefore, either way I lose.
RORY: Come on. Go get a cup of coffee, relax. You deserve this job, I swear. Put away the concession speech.
PARIS: Hubert Humphrey must not have been considered very fun either.
RORY: I'll see you at school. [hangs up] God, she wants to win so badly, and me, not so badly. I feel terrible.
LORELAI: Aw, come on. You know you wanna win so you can spend your whole summer in Washington far away from me.
RORY: Please, don't even talk about Washington. It gives me a stomachache.
LORELAI: It might be wonderful.
RORY: Good, then you and I will go someday.
LORELAI: Aw, look at you, trying to make Mommy feel like you don't spend every night tunneling out of here with a spoon.
RORY: Get back to the gossip, please.
LORELAI: Oh yeah. Okay. So, guess who's in the process of breaking up?
RORY: Brad and Jen?
LORELAI: Bite your tongue.
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: Sherry and your dad.
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: Dad told you that?
LORELAI: Last night.
RORY: Wow. But they were so together.
LORELAI: I know. Well, now they're not.
RORY: Well, is he oh, look at you.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: You're totally gloating.
LORELAI: I'm not gloating.
RORY: Then why are you smiling?
LORELAI: I'm not smiling. I had a little stroke.
RORY: Smiling.
LORELAI: Oh, look, if he was all broken up about it then I would be sad, but he's not, so ha ha.
RORY: Fourth rung of hell, party of one.
LORELAI: Well, at least my feet won't get cold.
[Lorelai pulls something out of her pocket and puts it in her mouth]
RORY: Where'd you get that?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: That. The Jordan almond that you pulled out of your pajama top and ate where did you get it?
LORELAI: Hm, Santa Claus.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN LOBBY
[Michel pulls on his coat and walks up to Lorelai near the front desk]
MICHEL: All right, the piano movers will be here at eight and the chairs will be set up at nine. All the rooms are made up and ready. I will be in at ten. Now I am going home unless you would like me to stay.
LORELAI: Actually, I would, thanks.
MICHEL: No, I'm sorry, I think I said that wrong. I am going home now unless you would like me to stay.
LORELAI: I would love you to stay, thanks for offering.
MICHEL: Okay, see, once again, my English not so good. One more time. I am going home now after working six hours longer than I usually work and performing tasks I despise and am ashamed of, and now I am going home to wash off the stench of this horrifying day, that is, unless, for some unknown Godforsaken reason, you need me to stay.
LORELAI: Well, actually .
MICHEL: Goodbye. [leaves]
LORELAI: Hey, can I grab my bag? I'm gonna go in the back and change.
EMPLOYEE: [hands her the bag] Sure.
LORELAI: Thank you.
SOOKIE: Hey, I went with the sugared daffodils for the top tier. Let me tell you, they look great. Ooh, I've outdone myself this time.
LORELAI: What are you still doing here?
SOOKIE: I just wanted to double check everything for tomorrow. Don't worry, I'm done, everything's fine. I'm now going straight to bed.
LORELAI: Your last night as a single woman.
SOOKIE: Yup.
LORELAI: You still look good.
SOOKIE: I still feel good.
LORELAI: Just think of it. As of tomorrow, you can start wearing cold cream to bed and stop shaving your legs.
SOOKIE: That's right, cause I already got me a man.
LORELAI: Go to sleep.
SOOKIE: Okay, see you tomorrow?
LORELAI: See you tomorrow.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Later that night, Lorelai is decorating the lobby as Christopher walks down the steps.]
CHRISTOPHER: Well, look who's got Martha Stewart locked in a basement. Did you do all this?
LORELAI: Yeah, I did. How's it look?
CHRISTOPHER: It looks great.
LORELAI: Good. What are you doing up?
CHRISTOPHER: Couldn't sleep. I sweet-talked the maid into leaving me about ten thousand pillow mints and then I proceeded to eat them all.
LORELAI: Serves you right. Oh God, I'm so exhausted.
CHRISTOPHER: Need some help?
[they sit down on the couch]
LORELAI: No, I'm almost done. I got up and went back to work just now, didn't I?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes, you did.
LORELAI: Oh, good, cause this is not the time to loaf. I'm so happy for Sookie. I mean, it's like a real live love story, and I saw it all happen. I mean, I hired Jackson. I watched them meet. I watched them have several bizarrely intense arguments over mustard greens. I watched them fall in love. I got to see it all. It was a nice show. Hi.
CHRISTOPHER: Hi.
[they kiss]
LORELAI: What was that?
CHRISTOPHER: I have no idea.
[they kiss again]
LORELAI: Chris.
CHRISTOPHER: One more time and maybe I'll have an explanation.
[they kiss again]
LORELAI: Ah, this is not happening.
CHRISTOPHER: I hope to God you're wrong.
LORELAI: But it's us. I mean, you and I, we. . .
CHRISTOPHER: Have never been in the same place at the same time.
LORELAI: But now. . . [they kiss] My head is spinning.
CHRISTOPHER: It's all the plants in here, too much oxygen.
LORELAI: What do we do now?
CHRISTOPHER: You know, I've got a room upstairs.
LORELAI: You were that sure you'd get lucky?
CHRISTOPHER: I never dreamed I'd get this lucky.
LORELAI: Aw, that's good.
CHRISTOPHER: So what do you say?
[They walk toward the staircase]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Later that night, Lorelai walks down the stairs and into the kitchen. Sookie is working on her wedding cake while wearing her wedding dress and veil.]
LORELAI: What are you doing?
SOOKIE: Daffodils. Am I insane? You can't have daffodils on your wedding cake. What was I thinking?
LORELAI: Stop what you're doing right now.
SOOKIE: There's too much pink.
LORELAI: Sweetie, there's not too much pink.
SOOKIE: Pink is for girls. Jackson's not a girl. Jackson doesn't like pink. I have all this pink, it's like saying, Hey, screw you. You want a say in this? Well, grow some ovaries.'
LORELAI: Hey, whoa, honey, hey! Put the pastry bag down.
SOOKIE: I can't, I have to fix this.
LORELAI: Sookie, down. Now step away from all things edible. Hey, what happened?
SOOKIE: I don't know.
LORELAI: When I left you, you were fine.
SOOKIE: I know. And when I went home, I was fine. And when I went to bed, I was fine. And then I had this dream where suddenly my dress is really, really short in back, you know? So I bolt out of bed and I put my dress on, and it looks okay. But then I panic what if I'm remembering the dream wrong? What if my dress isn't really screwed up, what if it's my veil? So I put on the veil, then I remember I'm serving salmon puffs. Salmon puffs! Okay, completely wrong, so I had to rush over here and try to find another first course, and then I walk in and these daffodils just. . .something snapped and that's when you walked in here.
LORELAI: Honey, you're nervous. It's natural.
SOOKIE: Well, I wasn't nervous until tonight.
LORELAI: Well, that's okay.
SOOKIE: I'm scared.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: I don't wanna get divorced.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: I don't wanna fight all the time and end up bitter.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: I don't wanna be one of those women sitting around making jokes about husband number two. I want number one to last.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: I want a guarantee.
LORELAI: Sookie, you're gonna be fine.
SOOKIE: I know. No, I don't. Okay, I need to stop obsessing on this. Tell me something.
LORELAI: Like what?
SOOKIE: I don't know. Anything. Tell me something to make me stop thinking about this.
LORELAI: I just slept with Christopher.
SOOKIE: That'll work.
LORELAI: It just happened.
SOOKIE: When?
LORELAI: Tonight, in his room.
SOOKIE: Oh my God! Was it. . .?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah.
SOOKIE: Wow, what does this mean?
LORELAI: I don't know.
SOOKIE: I mean, is this a good thing?
LORELAI: I don't know. I think it is.
SOOKIE: Oh my God, can you imagine if you and Christopher got together after all these years?
LORELAI: Okay, hold on. We haven't even talked about that ourselves yet.
SOOKIE: Ah, ooh God! Oh God.
LORELAI: I know!
SOOKIE: Well, when are you gonna talk about it?
LORELAI: Probably when I go back up there with the snacks I promised.
SOOKIE: He's waiting for you?
LORELAI: Yes, he is.
SOOKIE: Ooh, you've gotta get back up there.
LORELAI: You have to get some sleep.
SOOKIE: I wanna hear all the details tomorrow.
LORELAI: Mmkay, I'll grab you in between the walking down the aisle and the getting married.
[Sookie starts to leave]
LORELAI: Hey Sookie.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: You're in your wedding dress.
SOOKIE: I am.
LORELAI: You're beautiful.
[Lorelai walks over and hugs her]
LORELAI: Now you go get some sleep.
SOOKIE: And you go get some.
CUT TO UPSTAIRS
[Lorelai walks into Christopher's room with a plate of food.]
LORELAI: Room service.
CHRISTOPHER: I do like this hotel. Oh my God, that's good. What is it?
LORELAI: I have no idea, but if Sookie asks, Michel ate it.
CHRISTOPHER: So, should we avoid the subject for awhile or just dive right in?
LORELAI: Call me Greg Louganis.
CHRISTOPHER: Greg. What just happened here amazing.
LORELAI: I'm not arguing.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, does that mean there's a chance for a repeat amazing?
LORELAI: Do you mean right now or just in general?
CHRISTOPHER: Both. Let's start with in general.
LORELAI: I don't know, Chris. It's weird, isn't it? We just found this great balance, I've been seeing you more, we've been getting along so well.
CHRISTOPHER: I know.
LORELAI: And this thing with Sherry is so recent.
CHRISTOPHER: I know.
LORELAI: And then there's Rory to think about. I mean, we can't just go changing everything on her now. Not unless. . .
CHRISTOPHER: Not unless it's gonna be a pretty permanent change.
LORELAI: Yeah.
CHRISTOPHER: And you're so sure it can't be?
LORELAI: No, I'm not so sure.
CHRISTOPHER: The timing seems right, Lor.
LORELAI: I know it does.
CHRISTOPHER: Maybe all this stuff we went through that's the journey we needed to take to end up here.
LORELAI: Maybe.
CHRISTOPHER: Being a family Mom, Dad, kid, Volvo.
LORELAI: Ugh, the Volvo will have to go.
CHRISTOPHER: It has a nice ring to it.
LORELAI: Yeah, it does. I guess. . .
CHRISTOPHER: What?
LORELAI: I guess we'll never know until we try.
CHRISTOPHER: So, we try?
LORELAI: Yeah, we try.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk walks through the door]
KIRK: Luke, I've only got ten minutes. How quickly can you make me a ham on rye?
LUKE: I've never clocked it, Kirk.
KIRK: Well, you think it could be fast?
LUKE: Yes, Kirk. Of all the sandwiches, I do believe the ham on rye is one of the faster ones to assemble.
KIRK: What about a patty melt? Same time frame?
LUKE: Probably a little longer.
KIRK: Really?
LUKE: Yes, I have to grill a hamburger whereas with the other one I just put the ham on the bread.
KIRK: What if I wanted the bread on the ham on rye toasted? Are we talking somewhere in between the patty melt and the untoasted?
LUKE: Probably.
KIRK: Closer to the melt or closer to the - .
LUKE: Kirk!
KIRK: Peanut butter and jelly to go.
LUKE: Coming right up.
KIRK: What do you think of this suit?
LUKE: It's fine.
KIRK: I got it for Sookie's wedding. I read an article in the paper recently that said that weddings are an excellent place to meet women.
LUKE: Well, if it was in the paper, it must be true.
KIRK: I hope so, 'cause I'm so damn lonely not even Animal Planet does it for me anymore.
LUKE: Your sandwich is coming right up. Caesar, I'm going upstairs for a minute.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke walks through the door and finds Jess inside]
LUKE: Hey.
JESS: Hey.
LUKE: How'd you get in here?
JESS: The door was open.
LUKE: No, I mean, I was in the diner. I would've seen you come up the stairs. . . you know what, forget it, I don't wanna know. So, how's everything back home?
JESS: Fine.
LUKE: Your mom?
JESS: Fine.
LUKE: You in trouble?
JESS: Nah.
LUKE: Then what the hell you doing here, Jess? You know, I, uh, I called you six times. Now I didn't expect you to call me back so we could sit on the phone in bed and watch Sleepless in Seattle together. I just expected you to call me back, say you got home, say no one mugged me on the bus, say you were okay. Say. . .you know what, never mind. Just tell me what it is you want. I got work to do.
JESS: I wanna come back.
LUKE: You what?
JESS: I want to come back.
LUKE: Come back here?
JESS: Yes.
LUKE: Here to Stars Hollow?
JESS: Yes.
LUKE: To live in this apartment with me?
JESS: I said yes a million times already.
LUKE: You know what, you're the one asking for something so you don't get to be James Dean this time, okay? Now, one more time, you wanna come back?
JESS: Yes.
LUKE: Why?
JESS: I just, I. . . I just wanna come back.
LUKE: You know what people told me when I said you were coming here to live with me? They told me I was crazy, they told me I was insane, they told me to start writing letters to Jodie Foster but I ignored them. I was so sure that I knew what I was doing and then you showed up and you know what happened? You proved them right. I was crazy, and now after all that has happened, after all the chaos and havoc that you have wreaked, you're seriously standing there wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a butt with hands that are flipping me off, telling me you wanna come back?
JESS: You didn't pack up my stuff yet.
LUKE: Uh, no, I've been a little busy.
JESS: When were you planning on sending it back to me?
LUKE: What, hey, am I wearing a little brown uniform with UPS stamped on it?
JESS: So, what do you think?
LUKE: Things are gonna have to be different, Jess.
JESS: I know.
LUKE: Okay.
JESS: Okay?
LUKE: So you're staying?
JESS: I'm staying.
LUKE: Okay, then. Stay. I gotta get back to the diner.
JESS: I'll help you close up later, all right?
LUKE: Sure. She's not home.
JESS: Who?
LUKE: She's at Sookie's wedding with Dean, they're still together. They seem to have gotten through the whole car incident. They're doing really good, Dean and Rory.
JESS: Good.
LUKE: Just leave it alone, Jess. She's got a boyfriend. Just let it go.
JESS: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just going out for a walk.
LUKE: You heard what I said?
JESS: Yeah, I heard what you said.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Before the wedding, people are mingling in the yard.]
MICHEL: The linen closet's the third door on the right.
[Rory watches Babette and Patty sing at the piano.]
DEAN: Hey you.
RORY: Hey. You look nice.
DEAN: Thank you. You look beautiful.
RORY: Thank you.
DEAN: So, uh, how many cocktails caused that?
RORY: Oh, they haven't had any cocktails yet.
DEAN: Really?
RORY: Oh yeah. When they start having cocktails, we're gonna have to hide you.
DEAN: I'm looking forward to that. [his cell phone rings] Huh, I'm not sure who'd be calling me now. Hello?
PARIS: Dean?
DEAN: Who is this?
PARIS: It's Paris. I need to talk to Rory.
DEAN: Uh, sure, hold on. [hands phone to Rory] It's Paris.
RORY: What? [on phone] Hello?
PARIS: We've got the band!
RORY: What?
PARIS: We got the band! I knew we had most of the academic clubs tied up, but band they were the wild card cause believe me, if anybody's going to be truly scared of me, it's some artsy loser with a tuba wrapped around his neck.
RORY: Paris, how did you get this number?
PARIS: Oh, relax. I won't call you on Prince William's precious phone again. I just wanted you to know that we did it, we're in, welcome to the show. [hangs up]
RORY: I think we won.
DEAN: Wow. Uh, that's great.
RORY: Yeah.
DEAN: So I guess this means you'll be spending the summer in Washington.
RORY: Oh, nothing's decided yet, believe me. Let me do a little research and then I'll figure something out.
DEAN: Good.
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: You know what's really great about being a grown up? This. [holds up drink]
RORY: Well, thanks for the life lesson.
LORELAI: You're welcome. Dean, you clean up really nicely.
DEAN: Uh, thank you.
LORELAI: You know, we're gonna have to hide him from Patty and Babette once they h*t the hooch.
RORY: Already told him.
LORELAI: Okay, well, I gotta check on some things. See you guys later.
RORY: Bye.
[Lorelai turns around and walked toward the porch. Christopher is walking toward her.]
LORELAI: Stop it.
CHRISTOPHER: Stop what?
LORELAI: Stop looking at me like that or everyone here will think we did it. [they kiss] There, that'll throw them off the track.
CHRISTOPHER: So this morning you woke up and felt sorry about last night?
LORELAI: No.
CHRISTOPHER: Embarrassed about last night?
LORELAI: No.
CHRISTOPHER: Eager and willing to repeat last night?
[Lorelai sees her parents walking toward them]
LORELAI: Ah, Mom, Dad, hi.
CHRISTOPHER: Richard, Emily.
RICHARD: Well, hello Christopher. What a pleasant surprise.
LORELAI: You came.
EMILY: Of course we came, we were invited. Hello Christopher. I mean, why did you think we would not come?
LORELAI: I thought you thought the invitation was rude.
EMILY: It was rude. However, it would've been equally rude for us not to attend the wedding when we were perfectly capable of doing so, so we came. That's called rising above it.
LORELAI: I see. Do you wanna come back down here long enough to get a drink?
EMILY: Yes, that would be nice.
CHRSTOPHER: I'll get it for you.
EMILY: Champagne, please.
CHRISTOPHER: Should I make that two?
LORELAI: Absolutely.
RICHARD: I believe I'll join you, see what sort of scotch they're serving here.
CHRISTOPHER: When I get back, you're gonna have to answer my last question.
[Christopher and Richard walk away]
EMILY: What on earth is Christopher doing here?
LORELAI: Um, well, he's visiting his daughter.
EMILY: That's very nice.
LORELAI: Yeah. Actually, he's been visiting his daughter quite a bit lately.
EMILY: Really?
LORELAI: Yes. In fact, Mom, you might be seeing a lot more of Christopher from now on.
EMILY: Because he'll be visiting his daughter?
LORELAI: Yes, he'll be visiting his daughter.
EMILY: Well, I'll be damned.
CUT TO WALKWAY
[Christopher and Rory are walking along a pathway]
CHRISTOPHER: So I'm guessing your mom talked to you?
RORY: She talks to me all the time, frequently when I'm begging her not to.
CHRISTOPHER: And she told you what we discussed?
RORY: She mentioned something about it, yes.
CHRISTOPHER: And what do you think about all this?
RORY: I don't know. What exactly are your intentions?
CHRISTOPHER: Excuse me?
RORY: Your intentions are they honorable?
CHRISTOPHER: Completely honorable.
RORY: Yeah? Because we have been waiting for this for a really long time and we take disappointment extremely hard. I mean it, property damage is often involved.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, I better follow through on this, huh?
RORY: I think that's an excellent idea.
CHRISTOPHER: Come here, you. [they hug, his cell phone rings.] It's probably work.
RORY: On a Sunday?
CHRISTOPHER: Hey lady, I've got a lot of responsibility now, okay?
RORY: Okay.
CHRISTOPHER: Be right back.
[Christopher walks away. Rory sees Jess and walks over to him]
RORY: What are you doing here?
JESS: Hello to you, too.
RORY: Is everything okay?
JESS: You look nice.
RORY: Thank you. What are you doing here?
JESS: I moved back.
RORY: What?
JESS: I moved back.
RORY: But what why?
JESS: Just wanted to.
[Rory kisses him]
RORY: Oh my God! Oh my God!
JESS: Rory.
RORY: Don't say a word!
JESS: Okay.
RORY: I have to go. [runs away] Oh, welcome home!
CUT TO BRIDGE
[Lorelai is standing on the bridge as Christopher walks up to her]
CHRISTOPHER: Lor!
LORELAI: Ah, hey there. We're starting any minute. Have you seen Rory?
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, yeah, I just left her over there.
LORELAI: Oh, good, okay, I'll find her. Go get a good seat. The wind's kicking up so this might be a really good show.
CHRISTOPHER: I have to go.
LORELAI: Huh, what, why?
CHRISTOPHER: I have to take care of something.
LORELAI: Chris!
CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry, really. I'll call you later to see how it went.
LORELAI: No, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What tell me why you're leaving? What what's going on?
CHRISTOPHER: Sherry called. She's back.
LORELAI: So you're going home. Gonna tell her you're moving out? No? Okay.
CHRISTOPHER: I can't believe this. I mean, I really can't believe this.
LORELAI: Uh, okay, I don't know. Um, just, uh, drive safe.
CHRISTOPHER: Drive safe?
LORELAI: Yeah, drive safe. I mean, you know, you're still Rory's dad, right? So whatever happens or doesn't happen between us, I still need you to drive safe.
CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Just go, Chris!
CHRISTOPHER: Sherry's pregnant.
LORELAI: Oh. Oh my.
CHRISTOPHER: She just found out and she called me as soon as she found out, and that was her calling to tell me that she found out.
LORELAI: Pregnant.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah.
LORELAI: Wow. Well, uh, women all over the world will line up to see that tiny woman fat.
CHRISTOPHER: I don't know what to do. I was so happy last night and now. . .
LORELAI: Yeah.
CHRISTOPHER: I missed it before with Rory. I wasn't there, I wasn't apart of it.
LORELAI: I know.
CHRISTOPHER: And I never forgave myself.
LORELAI: I know.
CHRISTOPHER: So, what, I'm just. . .I'm gonna do that again? I'm just gonna take off, disappear?
LORELAI: No. You're gonna go home.
CHRISTOPHER: This is absolutely unbelievable. I've waited years for this, Lor. You, Rory, the whole perfect picture and now - .
LORELAI: Listen, I have to walk down the aisle in a minute and be really happy for Sookie and right now I'm having a little trouble standing, so maybe it would be better if you would just go.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm so sorry.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. Me, too.
CHRISTOPHER: You'll tell Rory?
LORELAI: I will. Hey, congratulations.
CHRISTOPHER: Thanks.
CUT TO WEDDING
[The wedding ceremony is about to begin. Lorelai is waiting to walk down the aisle. Rory runs over and stands next to her, Lorelai gives her a bouquet.]
RORY: I think I'm going to Washington.
LORELAI: Oh. Okay.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "02x22 - I Can't Get Started"} | foreverdreaming |
3.01 - Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino
OPEN IN LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Lorelai is asleep in bed when her alarm goes off. She shuts it off, and a second later, several others start going off around her bedroom.]
LORELAI: You are hilarious!
[She gets up and walks down to the kitchen, where Luke is at the stove making breakfast]
LORELAI: Okay, see, last night, when I said to you, Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I get up at seven,' what I actually meant was, Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I have the option of getting up at seven in case when seven comes, I actually wanna get up,' which as it happened I didn't. Therefore, you're currently responsible for the great alarm clock slaughter of 2002.
[She pulls a container of coffee out of the freezer]
LUKE: No survivors?
LORELAI: The one shaped like a bunny escaped with a mild decapitation. [smells the coffee] This is decaf.
LUKE: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: You switched my coffee again.
[Lorelai searches the kitchen for the regular coffee]
LUKE: I'm a busy man. I don't have time to sneak around switching your coffee. I have a diner to run, I have shipments to order, I have things to flip and fry. Will you stop that?
[Lorelai finds the bag of regular coffee under the sink]
LORELAI: Ha, haha, hahaha! Under the sink, very clever, but not clever enough bucko.
LUKE: Okay, fine, you know what? I give up.
LORELAI: Woo hoo!
LUKE: Go one day without coffee.
LORELAI: That's not giving up.
LUKE: I'll put a toy in your cereal.
LORELAI: Dirty!
LUKE: [hands her a plate of food] Fine, here, you win.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: You're welcome. Now you're up, you're fed, I'm leaving.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, we need q-tips.
LUKE: I'll alert the media.
LORELAI: See, that's better with the accent.
LUKE: The reference is enough, you'll learn that one day. I'll be home early, anything besides the q-tips?
LORELAI: Um, cotton balls, world peace, Connie Chung's original face back.
[Luke kisses her]
LUKE: Goodbye crazy lady. [to Lorelai's stomach] Goodbye Sid and Nancy.
LORELAI: Leopold and Loeb.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: I changed my mind, don't tell Rory.
LUKE: Decaf.
LORELAI: Never.
LUKE: They'll both have two heads.
LORELAI: More to love.
[They kiss again and Luke walks out the back door]
CUT TO LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[In the middle of the night, Lorelai wakes up suddenly from her dream. She falls out of the bed reaching for the phone]
LORELAI: Whoa! Ugh!
[She calls Rory at her dorm in Washington]
RORY: Hello?
LORELAI: You have to come home.
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: You're gone and the house is quiet and Bill Maher's canceled. The name of the show was Politically Incorrect for God's sake. Didn't anybody read the title? He was supposed to say those things, dammit!
RORY: You had another dream.
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: The doctor is in.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke!
RORY: Was he naked?
LORELAI: No! He was making breakfast.
RORY: Naked?
LORELAI: Okay, you've been in Washington way too long.
RORY: Sorry. Go ahead, he was making breakfast. . .
LORELAI: Eggs and pancakes and bacon, and he put decaf coffee in my regular coffee bag, which of course I knew immediately.
RORY: Hi, the nose.
LORELAI: Exactly. So eventually I find the real stuff under the sink. He hands me my breakfast, and then . . .
RORY: What?
LORELAI: He kissed me and talked to my stomach!
RORY: Why would he do that?
LORELAI: Because apparently I'm pregnant!
RORY: What?
LORELAI: With twins! [pause] Say something.
RORY: You are going to be so fat.
LORELAI: Just analyze my dream, please.
RORY: Okay. Well, your dream was telling you that you are secretly in love with Luke and you wanna marry him and have his twins.
LORELAI: Uh, no, try again.
RORY: What do you mean, try again? You asked me to analyze your dream, I analyzed your dream.
LORELAI: Yes, well, I reject that analysis, so I'd like another one, please.
RORY: You can't just reject an analysis and try again. You're not shopping for bathing suits here.
LORELAI: Give me another analysis or I'll put your Taylor hula-hooping dream into a whole other context.
RORY: I told you, Taylor was supposed to be Dean. I could tell by his freakishly thick head of hair.
LORELAI: I'm waiting.
RORY: Okay, maybe you're still upset about what happened with Dad and you're jealous of Sherry because she's having his baby and not you. Mom?
LORELAI: I miss you.
RORY: I miss you, too.
PARIS: [sleeptalking in background] Woodward. . .Bernstein. . .Harry Thomason.
LORELAI: Is that Paris?
RORY: Yeah, she talks in her sleep. . . long in-depth arguments. I'm so glad I only have one more day here.
LORELAI: Me, too. What do you have on your agenda for tomorrow? Or, today, actually.
RORY: We have a breakfast mixer with members of Congress and the Senate.
LORELAI: Cool. See if you can steal me something off of Tom Daschle's fruit plate.
RORY: I'll see what I can do.
LORELAI: See you Friday, doc.
RORY: See you Friday.
[Rory walks to her desk and sits down, where she tries to work on a letter to Jess]
PARIS: [sleeptalking] I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
[opening credits]
CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Sookie are sitting at the kitchen table]
LORELAI: No way.
SOOKIE: I swear.
LORELAI: Huh, Kosher bacon.
SOOKIE: Beef not pork.
LORELAI: I am so Jewish.
JACKSON: [from other room] Hey Sookie, where's my
SOOKIE: Jackson, hold on! Lorelai's here!
LORELAI: [covers eyes] Oh, Jackson, I'm in the kitchen! I'm eating bacon, so don't . . aye - eh - da - ahhh!
JACKSON: [walks into kitchen] Will you stop it? I'm dressed.
LORELAI: Uh, well, how do I know you weren't showering and the hot water went out and you rushed down here with nothing but a teeny tiny towel in front of ya.
JACKSON: Once, that happened once.
LORELAI: Well, once was enough.
SOOKIE: Oh, hey, honey, I got those paint chips that we were talking about. Do you wanna look at them now?
JACKSON: Nope.
SOOKIE: But it'll only take a minute and I actually went though and picked out a couple of colors for you.
LORELAI: What are you painting?
JACKSON: Nothing.
SOOKIE: The house.
LORELAI: The whole house?
JACKSON: No.
SOOKIE: Just the inside.
LORELAI: Ah, that's a pretty big undertaking.
JACKSON: It's not such a big undertaking since we're not undertaking it.
SOOKIE: I know, but it'll be fun.
LORELAI: Rory and I'll help if you want.
JACKSON: Okay, if you're gonna come over here everyday, you have to actually hear both of us.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, tell me why you're not painting just the inside of the house?
SOOKIE: Because it was my house and now it's our house and I want it to feel like our house.
JACKSON: I'm totally happy with the way this house feels.
SOOKIE: How can you be? There's flowers everywhere.
JACKSON: I like flowers I'm a produce guy.
SOOKIE: The curtains are ruffly.
JACKSON: I like ruffles.
SOOKIE: How can you like ruffles?
JACKSON: Because I'm very, very gay.
SOOKIE: Jackson!
JACKSON: Judy, Vincent has to go to work now. Goodbye Lorelai. Tell her I'm fine, I like things just the way they are.
LORELAI: I'll try.
[Jackson leaves]
LORELAI: All right, I've only got a minute and then I have to leave. Is there any more bacon?
SOOKIE: Have mine. What do you think about mahogany for the living room and then midnight blue for the hallway and the bedroom?
LORELAI: Sookie, Jackson just said he's fine with how everything is. I don't think it's bugging him.
SOOKIE: Well, he may not think so now but it'll bug him eventually and then he'll resent this place and me by extension and I would like to avoid that. And I can I just need to butch the place up a little. Now, help me pick a color.
LORELAI: Okay, I can't now, but I'll do it later.
SOOKIE: Okay.
LORELAI: Thanks for breakfast, it was amazing, I love you, I love the bacon. Oh, hey, bacon's manly. Why don't you just nail a bunch of packages of Kosher bacon on the walls, huh? Smells like meat blessed by a rabbi now that's a manly house.
SOOKIE: Buh-bye.
LORELAI: Okay, but if you're still thinking paint, you're still thinking like a chick.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[The town square is being set up for a festival. Lorelai walks toward Taylor, who is in an electric wheelchair giving orders to people.]
TAYLOR: Watch those streamers! And not too much red near that tree light touch, light touch, light touch.
LORELAI: Hey Taylor, how's the leg?
TAYLOR: It's just fine.
LORELAI: Still haven't found out who put that banana peel on your doorstep, huh?
TAYLOR: No, but I have a list of suspects.
LORELAI: Hey, um, what's all this for?
TAYLOR: This, young lady, is for the first annual Stars Hollow End of Summer Madness Festival.
LORELAI: You finally found a way to fill September, didn't ya?
TAYLOR: This is gonna be a very exciting day. I'm really gonna go all out for this. I even think you'll be impressed.
LORELAI: Really, even me?
TAYLOR: Yes-sir-ee, mini-me, I did not put the word madness in the title for nothing. This place is gonna be crazy, wild food, games, we've even got a band coming all the way from New York!
LORELAI: New York that's just nuts!
TAYLOR: And wait til you see the banner I ordered. It's gonna make every other banner we've ever had look downright embarrassing.
LORELAI: Taylor, you're on f*re.
TAYLOR: Oh, I love this banner!
LORELAI: I can't wait to see it.
TAYLOR: Well, come on Friday. [to girl walking by] Uh, excuse me, uh, young lady. . .young lady? You know I'm talking to you. The blonde woman with the ribbons, please slow down. I'm in a wheelchair, young lady, I can't run after you.
[As Taylor follows the girl off camera, Lorelai stares into Luke's Diner then sadly walks away]
CUT TO WASHINGTON
[At the Junior Leadership breakfast, Paris is talking with Senator Barbara Boxer]
PARIS: I mean, come on, Senator Boxer, as one of our foremost Democratic leaders, I ask you do you really think it looks good to have the American Secretary of the Treasury traveling around with Bono? I mean, I know apparently he's a saint, he's going to save the world, yada, yada, yada, but my God! He never even takes the sunglasses off. We have an image to maintain, don't we? I mean, aren't we at least trying to pretend we're the superpower in this world? I mean, why not just send Carson Daly over to the Middle East next time Cheney goes, huh? Or hey, hook up Freddie Prinze Jr. with Colin Powell next time he meets with NATO. I mean, hell! Let's hear what Freddie has to say, right?
[A man walks by and the Senator grabs his arm]
SENATOR BOXER: Oh, great, Doug. Uh, Paris, do you know Republican Congressman Doug Ose from California? You don't? Great. You two will have so much to talk about. Bye. [walks away]
CONGRESSMAN OSE: Uh, Barbara
PARIS: Ose, right?
CONGRESSMAN OSE: Yes that's right.
PARIS: Let's take a walk.
[cut to Rory at one of the food tables. As she gets herself some coffee, a boy walks up to her]
JAMIE: Last day here.
RORY: Yup.
JAMIE: So, in your opinion, how was our nation's capital?
RORY: Well, I got to see Archie Bunker's chair at the Smithsonian Museum, so it was a big thumbs up for me.
JAMIE: Yes, there are times when this country's priorities are exactly right. So, where's Paris?
RORY: Hm, not quite sure. Last time I saw her, she was beating the will to live out of our nation's representatives.
JAMIE: She is a hammer, isn't she?
RORY: Actually, she's the entire toolbox.
[Paris walks up to them]
PARIS: Damn. I always seem to catch the most interesting politicians right when they have to use the bathroom. Hey Jamie.
[Paris walks over to another table and Jamie follows her]
JAMIE: Paris. Just came over to let you know I got a little sneak peak at the final debate pairings for today. It seems like you and I are going to be on the same side this time.
PARIS: You're kidding? You'd think they'd like to give someone else a fighting chance for once.
JAMIE: Apparently not.
PARIS: God, I love this. You don't realize how unqualified most of America's youth is until you gather them all up in a room and make them speak. So, who are we up against?
JAMIE: Jason Roundsevault and Ty Fredericks.
PARIS: Perfect. Jason's got asthma and Ty cries.
JAMIE: Okay, so we should meet early and go over strategy, make sure you bought enough Kleenex.
PARIS: Good, good.
JAMIE: And then tonight we should get together and celebrate over dinner.
PARIS: What if we don't win?
JAMIE: Don't lose it on me now.
PARIS: You're right.
JAMIE: So, dinner?
PARIS: Sure.
JAMIE: Good, I'll swing around for you about seven.
PARIS: Fine.
JAMIE: Okay, see you at the slaughter.
[Jamie walks away and Rory walks over to Paris]
RORY: Wow!
PARIS: Yeah, can you imagine pairing me with Jamie? I mean, why not just line the hallways with self esteem counselors right now.
RORY: Paris?
PARIS: What?
RORY: What do you mean what? He just asked you out on a date.
PARIS: He did not.
RORY: Yes, he did. You're having dinner with Jamie tonight.
PARIS: It's a victory dinner, that's it.
RORY: Paris, if he just wanted to celebrate winning a debate, you guys could've had coffee afterward, but he asked you out on a date.
PARIS: He did?
RORY: Yes.
PARIS: Did I accept?
RORY: Yes.
PARIS: I'm going on a date?
RORY: Yes, you are.
PARIS: Oh man, I can't believe this! I finally get asked out on a date and I missed it? Was it a good ask-out?
RORY: It was a very good ask-out.
PARIS: God, I wish I'd been there.
RORY: Well, you'll be there tonight.
PARIS: Tonight? Tonight I have a date. Tonight I have a date with Jamie a Princeton man. I can overlook that. Oh my God, I can't believe it. . .I have a date.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Michel is at the front desk talking to Kirk]
KIRK: One day it occurred to me, cows never wrinkle.
MICHEL: Mmhmm.
KIRK: Think about it have you ever seen a wrinkled cow? No, not once. So I thought to myself, "That is weird."
MICHEL: Yes, that and other things.
KIRK: So I decided to do a little research. I studied cows, I studied humans, and finally I discovered the secret the secret of the cows.
LORELAI: [walking up to them] Michel, could you, uh. . .hi Kirk.
MICHEL: Oh, good, just in time. Kirk here is about to tell us the difference between cows and humans.
LORELAI: You mean, other than one's a cow?
MICHEL: Shh. Go ahead, Kirk.
KIRK: Hay.
LORELAI: Huh?
KIRK: Hay, it's hay cows eat hay. And after some experimentation and a great deal of research, I developed what I believe to be the next great skin care product to sweep the nation. [shows them a bottle]
LORELAI: [reads the label] Hay There.
KIRK: A complete line of creams, balms, toning lotions, and cleansing liquids.
LORELAI: Kirk, we already have a skin care line here, I'm sorry.
KIRK: I am willing to give you three cases of "Hay There" skin products absolutely free of charge. Try them, you will see what I'm talking about.
LORELAI: Well, uh, thank you very much, Kirk. . . but, I'm sorry don't cows eat grass?
KIRK: Sometimes, but "Grass There" is a bad name. [leaves]
MICHEL: So sad not to have a cocktail in your hand every time he comes by, no?
[the phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers] Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.
EMILY: What day is this?
LORELAI: Mom?
EMILY: What day is this?
LORELAI: Mom, I have a group of
EMILY: It's Thursday.
LORELAI: Thank God. Now, could I possibly
EMILY: Thursday the what, Lorelai?
LORELAI: It's
EMILY: Thursday the third. And what was happening Thursday the third, Lorelai?
LORELAI: I believe it was the day I was supposed to chew my own head off.
EMILY: Your father and I were coming home from Martha's Vineyard.
LORELAI: I know you were.
EMILY: And you said that when we got home, you were going to call us.
LORELAI: I know I did.
EMILY: Well, we're home, and yet there's no call, no message, no card.
LORELAI: Mom, it's eleven o'clock in the morning. I said I would call you on Thursday, I didn't say when on Thursday, I just said Thursday. Technically I haven't screwed up for another twelve hours.
EMILY: Lorelai, everyone knows that you are supposed to call people as soon as they have arrived home. That's the polite way to do it.
LORELAI: You didn't tell me what time you were coming home.
EMILY: Well, you never asked what time we were coming home.
LORELAI: Yes, but you never told me so there's no way I could know, so even though I didn't ask I still didn't know and it's only elev. . .I'm sorry.
EMILY: Apology accepted. Now I assume we'll be seeing you and Rory for dinner tomorrow?
LORELAI: Uh, you'll see me but Rory doesn't get back til Saturday.
EMILY: Oh, what a shame. I thought she was coming back tomorrow.
LORELAI: Nope, she's coming back Saturday.
EMILY: Well, I'm very disappointed. I had it written down for tomorrow.
LORELAI: Well, you must've written it down wrong, Mom. She's coming home Saturday.
EMILY: Your father thought it was tomorrow, also.
LORELAI: See you at seven.
EMILY: Hold a moment, Lorelai. Do you know where Christopher is?
LORELAI: Um, why?
EMILY: We wanted him to come with you and Rory tomorrow, even though apparently Rory's getting back Saturday, though I couldn't sworn it was tomorrow.
LORELAI: Christopher's away on business but I'll tell him you invited him.
EMILY: And tell him to come with you two next week. I wanna see the three of you together.
LORELAI: Yes, that would be a nice picture.
EMILY: All right, see you tomorrow.
LORELAI: Yes, you will. Bye.
CUT TO WASHINGTON DORM ROOM
[Rory is on the phone with Dean while Paris gets ready for her date]
RORY: My plane gets in at three.
DEAN: I'm in at six.
PARIS: Red, purple, green where the hell is it?
RORY: That gives me three hours to look presentable. Hm, perhaps I'll go blonde.
DEAN: I strongly request that you don't.
RORY: Afraid of change?
DEAN: No, I just like what I have.
RORY: I like a man who settles.
DEAN: I miss you.
RORY: I miss you, too.
PARIS: Hey, hey, stop being cute. I need help here.
RORY: I have to go. Paris is melting down.
DEAN: Why?
RORY: She has a date tonight.
DEAN: Really?
PARIS: Don't sound so surprised.
RORY: How do you know he sounded surprised?
PARIS: Because I'm a genius, Rory. I have deep and powerful clairvoyant abilities.
RORY: Oh boy.
PARIS: For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name Paris in the same sentence with the word date, jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like how' and why' and Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end!' will immediately fly out of people's mouths.
RORY: I have to go.
DEAN: Are you sure it's safe?
RORY: I'll be fine. I'll see you Friday.
DEAN: See you Friday. I love you.
PARIS: That's it, I'm shaving my head.
RORY: Gotta go. [hangs up] Okay, Paris, you have got to calm down.
PARIS: I had a black sweater and now it's gone.
RORY: I'm not just talking about right now in general, you need to calm down.
PARIS: He's almost here, I'm not dressed, my makeup's not done, and I haven't gone through the Zagat yet to pick out a restaurant.
RORY: Why don't you just let him pick out the restaurant?
PARIS: What if he doesn't have a Zagat?
RORY: Well, then he'll wing it.
PARIS: Wing it? How come other girls get planned out dinners? Flowers, candy, rose petals thrown on the floors and I get wing it?
RORY: Well, you don't know that you've got wing it.
PARIS: No, I do. I've got wing it. I can't do this.
RORY: What?
PARIS: Date. I can't date. I'm not genetically set up for it.
RORY: Not true.
PARIS: I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I'm covered in hives, I've showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn't even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don't wind up in a restaurant that's really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?
RORY: Sit.
PARIS: It's a dare. He was dared to take me out. I bet Trent Lott was behind this.
RORY: Trent Lott did not dare Jamie to take you out. Close. Jamie likes you and he asked you out because he likes you. Now look up.
PARIS: Maybe I shouldn't go. I mean, what if I fall for him and he doesn't like me?
RORY: Then you'll find someone else.
PARIS: But what if there is no one else?
RORY: Then you'll buy some cats.
PARIS: I wish I knew if he was right for me, you know? So I don't put myself through all of this for nothing. I mean, women fall for men who are wrong for them all of the time, and then they get sidetracked from their goals. They give up careers and become alcoholics and, if you're Sunny von Bülow, wind up in a coma completely incapable of stopping Glenn Close from playing you in a movie.
RORY: I think you should wear your hair down.
PARIS: How do you know if a guy is right for you?
RORY: You just have to feel it.
PARIS: All I feel is my back breaking out.
RORY: You'll know, okay? You just have to let it happen. And then, probably when you're not looking, you'll find someone who compliments you.
PARIS: Meaning?
RORY: Someone who likes what you like, someone who reads the same books or listens to the same music or likes to trash the same movies. Someone compatible.
PARIS: Okay.
RORY: But not so compatible that they're boring.
PARIS: Someone who's compatible but not compatible.
RORY: Yeah, kind of. I mean, you respect each other's opinions and you can laugh at the same jokes, but I don't know there's just something about not quite knowing what the other person's gonna do at all times that's just really exciting. Look, just have a good time, you'll figure it out.
PARIS: Yeah, well, I hope I figure it out fast. . .before I throw up.
[there's a knock at the door]
PARIS: That's him.
RORY: Turn around.
PARIS: Well?
RORY: Perfect.
PARIS: Promise?
RORY: Swear.
PARIS: Thanks. Now get in the closet.
RORY: What?
PARIS: If he comes in here and sees you, he won't wanna date me anymore.
RORY: Paris, that's crazy! He's seen me he's seen me for weeks.
PARIS: Yes, in conferences, crowded lecture halls, badly lit banquet rooms with crappy food smells, not at night when it's dating time and he's thinking about dating and you're standing there looking all datable.
RORY: I'm not looking datable.
PARIS: Please? I can't risk it. At least if there's nothing to compare me to, then I've got a fighting chance, please!
RORY: Okay, but when you get home, you need to get a new therapist because the one you have is really not working. [goes into the closet]
PARIS: Thanks for helping me get ready.
RORY: [from inside closet] Any time.
[Paris answers the door]
PARIS: Hi.
JAMIE: Hello. You look very nice.
PARIS: Well, this is a really good sweater.
JAMIE: So, shall we get going?
PARIS: Oh, sure, sure.
JAMIE: Do you like Italian food?
PARIS: I love Italian food.
JAMIE: Good. I've made a reservation at a great place. Well, at least, that's what the Zagat guide says.
PARIS: You're perfect.
JAMIE: Let's go.
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Lorelai and Sookie are browsing]
SOOKIE: How could you not tell them?
LORELAI: Well, they left two days after your wedding and they were in Martha's Vineyard all summer. It just seemed quieter.
SOOKIE: What do you think, manly? [holds up a statue]
LORELAI: In an Oscar Wilde sort of way, absolutely.
SOOKIE: You know, you're gonna have to tell them tonight, right? I mean, the subject will come up. They probably think you and Christopher are heading down the aisle any day now.
LORELAI: Ugh, I know, I know.
SOOKIE: A shaving table, it's perfect!
LORELAI: And twelve hundred dollars.
SOOKIE: Twelve hundred dollars for what?
MRS. KIM: What do you mean, for what? This is an antique.
SOOKIE: Where does she come from?
MRS. KIM: This was Sherman's shaving table.
LORELAI: Sherman?
MRS. KIM: General Sherman, famous man, b*rned Atlanta, liked a close shave.
LORELAI: Wow, historical.
MRS. KIM: All original, perfect shape. I give you ten percent off, you want it?
SOOKIE: Oh, well, maybe. I just wanted to look around a little bit first. . .but it's very nice.
MRS. KIM: I know it's very nice. [walks away]
LORELAI: Boy, she would've made a great nun.
SOOKIE: So how are you planning on telling them?
LORELAI: I thought I'd do it like Nell. You know, chicka chicka chickabee.
SOOKIE: Yeah, that's a very good idea.
LORELAI: I'll tell them, I promise.
SOOKIE: Oh, oh my God, look! [walks over to a fish mounted on a piece of wood]
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: For over the mantelpiece. It's perfect!
LORELAI: It's a d*ad fish.
SOOKIE: It's an antique stuffed and mounted trout, and I think it's manly.
LORELAI: Oh, please!
SOOKIE: It is! It's very Ralph Lauren.
LORELAI: Sookie, Jackson loves you. You're not seriously telling me the future of your marriage depends on Leon Troutsky over there.
SOOKIE: I guess not.
LORELAI: Just think about it, okay? You don't have to make every decision right now. Do a little more shopping. Maybe you'll find something even more disgusting someplace else.
SOOKIE: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay, I gotta go pick up Rory at the airport, and then we'll swing by and pick up you guys for the festival.
SOOKIE: Great.
LORELAI: Okay, see you later.
SOOKIE: Bye.
[Lorelai walks toward the door and stops to talk to Mrs. Kim.]
LORELAI: Ten bucks if you don't let her buy the fish.
MRS. KIM: Twenty.
LORELAI: [laughs] You're kidding?
MRS. KIM: I never kid.
LORELAI: You know, I believe that.
CUT TO AIRPORT
[Rory walks out of her gate; Lorelai calls to her from across the room]
LORELAI: Hey Gilmore!
RORY: Mom!
[They run to each other and hug, then fall on the ground]
LORELAI: Ow, ow!
RORY: Ah!
LORELAI: Ow!
RORY: Ah!
LORELAI: Oh!
RORY: Agh!
LORELAI: Oh, oh! Luckily there are video cameras everywhere that caught that very graceful moment on tape.
RORY: I am so glad to see you!
LORELAI: No, I'm glad to see you!
RORY: I'm never leaving home again.
LORELAI: Oh, that's my emotionally stunted girl! Hey, I got you gifts.
RORY: What? I'm the one that left town, I'm supposed to get you gifts.
LORELAI: Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the b*mb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon.
RORY: You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me?
LORELAI: Just a little.
RORY: How much is a little?
LORELAI: Learn Russian. Okay, here you go. [pulls a shirt out of the gift bag]
RORY: Wow, a Hartford, Connecticut sweatshirt.
LORELAI: Nice, huh?
RORY: [looks through the gift bags] Hartford, Connecticut notebook, Hartford, Connecticut pencil set, a Hartford, Connecticut sh*t glass.
LORELAI: And beer mug!
RORY: Hartford baguette, Hartford bear, a Hartford sunglasses.
LORELAI: You like?
RORY: I love.
LORELAI: All right, let's go. We'll get your bags, then we'll h*t the road, and I can't wait to hear all about Washington. And, by the way, I got you out of dinner with the Gilmores tonight. I thought you and Dean might enjoy a little Peaches and Herb time together.
RORY: Oh, thanks. What'd you tell them?
LORELAI: That you get home tomorrow.
RORY: Big fat lie.
LORELAI: Yes, which proves how much I love you. The fact that I was willing to lie to my own parents who I never lie to just so you could have a night of happiness is proof positive of my deep undying devotion that I have for you.
RORY: I appreciate that.
LORELAI: And all that devotion can be yours for the low, low price of $29.95!
RORY: Forget it.
LORELAI: Okay, I'll throw in a set of steak knives.
RORY: My bags, please?
LORELAI: Are you telling me that you want this gesture of love for free? What kind of world are you living in?
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk through the front door with Rory's bags]
LORELAI: Oh my God, you do know one option was leaving some of your books at home?
RORY: Hey, I offered to carry that one.
LORELAI: Next time, don't offer insist. Look, I'm lopsided now.
RORY: I can't believe I'm home. I feel like I've been away forever.
LORELAI: I agree.
RORY: Hello living room.
LORELAI: Hello Rory, we missed you. Not the ottoman, of course, but everyone knows he's a snob. Napoleon complex, he only really likes the magazine rack.
RORY: Oh my God, I missed everything. My kitchen, my room, my books, my CDs, my stuff. Where's my pillow?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: You took my pillow.
LORELAI: I did not take your pillow.
RORY: You waited until I left, you went into my room, and you took my pillow.
LORELAI: Well, you weren't using it.
RORY: What else did you take?
LORELAI: Nothing. Your comforter came into my room by itself. . .and brought your Bauhaus T-shirt with it.
RORY: I want my stuff back by tomorrow morning.
LORELAI: Just cause you leave doesn't mean the world stops.
RORY: By noon.
LORELAI: Fine.
[Lorelai pushes the play button on the answering machine]
CHRISTOPHER: [on machine] Lor, it's me, please just call
[Lorelai deletes the message]
RORY: Dad?
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: Still haven't talked to him yet, huh?
LORELAI: No, you?
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: He's called.
RORY: I know. He's called me, too.
LORELAI: I just. . .I don't really know what to say.
RORY: How long are you gonna freeze him out for?
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: You?
RORY: I don't know either.
LORELAI: I have to tell my parents tonight.
RORY: Are you sure you don't want me to go with you and . . . I don't know, distract them?
LORELAI: No, you've got Dean coming over. I'll be fine. I'll bring them something shiny.
RORY: Okay, I'm gonna go change then.
LORELAI: For what?
RORY: The festival.
LORELAI: Hon, you know what, if you don't wanna go, we don't have to go.
RORY: Why would I not wanna go? Of course I wanna go.
LORELAI: You just got home, you've got Dean coming over.
RORY: No, I wanna go. I wanna go because this is our town and we need to support these things.
LORELAI: All right, but. . .you don't have to change for that.
RORY: Well, I've been away for awhile, I wanna make a nice impression.
LORELAI: On who?
RORY: Whoever has to look at me.
[they walk into Rory's bedroom]
LORELAI: All right, just hustle. I promised Jackson and Sookie I'd pick them up along the way.
RORY: I'll just be a minute.
LORELAI: No woman is ever a minute when she changes.
RORY: Do not judge me by your own standards. [pulls out a dress]
LORELAI: Wow, fancy.
RORY: Not fancy.
LORELAI: You know, you'll have time to come home and change for Dean.
RORY: Well, I can just change now, then I won't have to do it later.
LORELAI: Okay. Hey Rory, I don't want you to freeze out your dad because I am.
RORY: I'm not.
LORELAI: Cause I'm fine if you wanna go back to the way things were.
RORY: I think that would be a little hard this time.
LORELAI: Okay, maybe not now, but eventually.
RORY: Eventually, maybe, but for now solidarity sister.
LORELAI: Ya ya!
RORY: You've been waiting for six weeks to do that, haven't you?
LORELAI: Ya ya!
RORY: I'll just be a minute.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Rory walk out of some bushes near Sookie and Jackson's house]
LORELAI: See, three minutes faster. I also found a way to get to Al's Pancake World that shaves a good forty seconds off our normal route.
RORY: You were really bored when I was gone, weren't you?
LORELAI: You have no idea.
[As they walk up Sookie and Jackson's front steps, they hear yelling from inside]
JACKSON: Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
SOOKIE: I don't understand why you're so upset.
JACKSON: How can you not understand? I told you a thousand times.
SOOKIE: I thought you were just being nice.
[Lorelai and Rory peek through the front door. Sookie has redecorated the living room and filled it with masculine objects]
JACKSON: Nice! Sookie, look at this place!
SOOKIE: I think it looks nice.
JACKSON: Nice. . .nice? This is nice. . .this is nice? [points to a life-sized stuffed grizzly bear]
SOOKIE: Well, it's masculine!
JACKSON: No, it's terrifying! I swear I'm gonna come out in the middle of the night for a drink of water, turn around, h*t the floor and play d*ad!
SOOKIE: Okay, so, we have a little work to do.
JACKSON: Just put it back the way it was.
SOOKIE: No, I want you to be happy!
JACKSON: I was happy, I told you I was happy, you just didn't wanna believe I was happy!
[Lorelai and Rory walk away from the house and walk toward the festival]
LORELAI: We'll just check on them a little later.
RORY: Excellent idea.
[they walk into the crowd]
LORELAI: Okay, so, do we do cheese stick, hot dog, cotton candy, or do we mix it up a little start with the cotton candy and end with the cheese stick? Who are you looking for?
RORY: No one, I'm just taking in all the madness, that's all.
LORELAI: Ah.
[Kirk walks up to them]
KIRK: Lorelai, good. Have you used the cream yet?
LORELAI: Uh, not yet, Kirk.
KIRK: Good, there's been a little problem.
LORELAI: What kind of problem?
KIRK: Nothing of major concern. It just seems that with continual use, the cream develops some weird reactions to light. . .and air. . .and movement.
LORELAI: Are you serious?
KIRK: Don't worry, it's just a small kink. It'll all be worked out soon.
LORELAI: I have three cases of that stuff sitting at the inn.
KIRK: Well, get rid of it.
LORELAI: Kirk.
KIRK: Uh, but don't throw it in the trash. Apparently, that would be an EPA violation.
LORELAI: What am I supposed to do with the stuff?
KIRK: sh**ting it into space is about all I've got now.
LORELAI: Kirk!
KIRK: I'll pick up the cases tomorrow.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[Kirk walks away]
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Do you sometimes think this town is weird or is it just me?
[Lorelai and Rory walk up to Taylor]
LORELAI: Hey Taylor, is this where the mosh pit starts?
TAYLOR: Well, hello Lorelai, Rory. So what do you think of the band? Pretty big city, don't you think?
LORELAI: Mm, I sure do.
TAYLOR: What?
LORELAI: What? I'm agreeing with you. They are smokin'!
TAYLOR: I do not care for that sarcastic tone, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Well. . .uh. . .no, I'm being nice here!
TAYLOR: You have an opinion on everything. Nothing is ever up to your standards.
LORELAI: That is not true. I'm sure these guys are all great barbers.
TAYLOR: I don't even know why I bother. [leaves]
LORELAI: That is it I have been it for the last. . .[sees Rory staring off at something] What? [sees Jess and a girl kissing against a tree] Oh, well, looks like he's got his what I did this summer' essay all researched and ready to go. Guess you dodged a b*llet there, huh?
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: I don't know. It seems kind of lucky that you didn't throw everything away for Jess when you see. . .
RORY: See what? What am I seeing?
LORELAI: You're upset.
RORY: No, I'm not upset.
LORELAI: Yes, you are upset. I know when you're upset cause you look like my mother.
RORY: Thanks a lot.
LORELAI: You like my mother.
RORY: Yes, but you don't like your mother, so when you tell me that I look like your mother, it's not exactly a compliment.
LORELAI: Honey, what is wrong?
RORY: Oh God!
LORELAI: What is it?
RORY: It's that!
LORELAI: Jess?
RORY: Yes!
LORELAI: You're upset about Jess?
RORY: I said yes.
LORELAI: Yes, it's Jess?
RORY: You're not being funny.
LORELAI: It's not my fault that yes and Jess rhyme. Did I exploit the opportunity, of course I did, but . . .Rory, come on. I know you had this crush
RORY: It wasn't a crush.
LORELAI: Well, I thought it was over. I mean, you haven't talked to him since
RORY: Sookie's wedding.
LORELAI: You talked to him at Sookie's wedding?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: He wasn't at Sookie's wedding.
RORY: Yes, he was. He had just come back and he came to see me.
LORELAI: Okay, so he crashed Sookie's wedding, and. . .
RORY: And nothing. He told me that he was back in town, that he'd moved back, and. . .
LORELAI: What Rory? Come on.
RORY: And we kissed, okay?
LORELAI: You kissed?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: You kissed, like. . .you kissed?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Okay, who kissed who?
RORY: What does that matter?
LORELAI: Because it matters. Did he kiss you, did you kiss each other, did you trip and your faces accidentally .
RORY: I kissed him.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: And I don't know, I thought he came back here because he liked me or something, and I kissed him and he kissed me back, and now he's over there and I feel so stupid and. . .that girl isn't even his type and -
LORELAI: Rory, what are you doing?
RORY: What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm ranting. You should recognize this, I learned it from you.
LORELAI: Yeah, but you went to Sookie's wedding with. . .with Dean.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: And then you ran off to have some thing with Jess.
RORY: It was a kiss, not a thing.
LORELAI: A kiss is a thing.
RORY: Well, it wasn't planned, it just happened.
LORELAI: I can't believe it. All this time I'm thinking, She's with Dean.'
RORY: I am with Dean.
LORELAI: No, Rory kissing another guy is not being with Dean. Ask him, I bet he'd back me up on that.
RORY: It was nothing.
LORELAI: Well, then why are you so freaked out?
RORY: I'm not freaked out.
LORELAI: Look, kid, you have gotta make up your mind. Jess, Dean, Jess, Dean it's enough already. If you want Jess, that's fine go get him, there he is. If you think that's the great love of your life, then great. . .grab a liver treat and a squeaky toy and run to him. Don't worry about that girl because I'm sure he will have moved onto somebody else in about an hour. But do something. Dean has been sweet and supportive and incredibly patient, and now you are officially treating him like dirt, and I'm sorry, but not only is that not you, he doesn't deserve that. God, I wish they knew another song!
RORY: I know all of this about Dean.
LORELAI: You do?
RORY: Yes, I do. I know how great he is. I knew it before you did!
LORELAI: Well, knowing this has apparently not stopped you from dragging his heart all over this town.
RORY: Not fair!
LORELAI: Yes, fair, the fairest, the Snow White of fair.
RORY: I don't wanna talk to you about this anymore.
LORELAI: Okay, listen, if you don't wanna be with Dean anymore, cut him loose. Let him find someone who does because this is just so. . .wrong!
RORY: All right, I get it, I . . .just stop!
DEAN: [calls from across the street] Rory! [walks over to them] Hey.
RORY: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi Dean.
RORY: I thought your plane didn't get in til six.
DEAN: Well, I managed to get an earlier flight.
LORELAI: Well, I'm off to dinner with the parents.
DEAN: Do you have
LORELAI: No, she's off the hook. You guys have all night to. . .talk. Enjoy. Good to have you back, Dean.
DEAN: Thanks.
LORELAI: See you later. [leaves]
DEAN: So, did I interrupt something?
RORY: No, nothing. Uh, we were just. . .hi, you're back.
DEAN: Yeah, I'm back and I'm glad to find you not blonde.
RORY: Yeah, I was just having way too much fun, so . . .
DEAN: I missed you.
RORY: I missed you, too.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings; Emily answers the door]
EMILY: Lorelai, nice to see you.
LORELAI: Oh, sorry I'm late, Mom.
EMILY: No, don't be sorry. That's what the warm setting was invented for. Richard, Lorelai's here!
LORELAI: Um, Mom, before we get the evening started and all, I wanna tell you something.
EMILY: Well, tell me outside.
LORELAI: No, I'll just do it here.
EMILY: Why?
LORELAI: Oh, there's just something about standing near the exit that's really working for me.
EMILY: You're being silly, you don't discuss things standing by a door. Come outside, come on.
RICHARD: I may have to take one more call tonight, Emily. Ben Stellen and I got cut off. Hello Lorelai.
EMILY: Well, come outside with us until he calls back. Lorelai's about to tell us something.
RICHARD: Oh, perhaps that she's decided to buy an accurate timepiece.
EMILY: Oh, Richard. [they start walking to the back patio] Is Rory okay?
LORELAI: Oh, yes, Rory's fine, I'm fine, everything's fine, it's really not that big a deal.
RICHARD: What would you like to drink?
LORELAI: Oh, whatever.
RICHARD: I can't read minds, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I really don't care, Dad. Whatever you have.
RICHARD: We have everything, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Al right, I'll have a Yaegermeister and a Jell-O sh*t.
RICHARD: Uh, excuse me?
LORELAI: White wine.
EMILY: All right, sit, sit. [they sit down] Now go ahead, tell us.
LORELAI: Okay, well
EMILY: Oh, wait just a second. We brought you something from Martha's Vineyard.
LORELAI: Oh, that's great, but maybe we could just do. . . [Emily hands her a gift bag]. . .okay, I guess it's present time.
EMILY: Open it.
[pulls something out of the bag]
LORELAI: Scone mix, wow.
EMILY: This new little place opened right down the road from our house and they make these wonderful scones, and that is their mix so you can make them right in your own kitchen.
LORELAI: Well, thanks, Mom. I will put this right on the counter and stare at it for many years to come.
EMILY: You're not going to make them?
LORELAI: Oh, I'm not really much of a baker.
EMILY: But the instructions are right there on the back.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, but still.
EMILY: Still what? Those are good scones.
LORELAI: Hey, maybe I'll give this to Sookie and she'll bake them.
EMILY: I don't understand why you simply can't follow those directions and make the scones.
RICHARD: Rory would love those scones.
LORELAI: Okay, I promise one way or another, the scones will get eaten. That being said, can we please move on?
EMILY: Fine, go ahead, talk, we're listening.
LORELAI: Um, okay, well, um, it's about Christopher.
EMILY: Oh, that reminds me, we got him a captain's hat. Richard, where is that hat? Lorelai can bring it to him.
LORELAI: No, I can't!
EMILY: Why not?
LORELAI: Well, it's just, um. . .Chris and I aren't . . .
RICHARD: Aren't what?
EMILY: They aren't together anymore, Richard.
RICHARD: Why not?
EMILY: I'm sure a vague reason is forthcoming.
LORELAI: It just didn't work out, that's all.
EMILY: And there it is.
LORELAI: I know you're disappointed.
EMILY: Disappointed, oh please! Lorelai, this is ridiculous. The two of you aren't in high school anymore.
LORELAI: I know.
RICHARD: Emily, let's not talk about this.
EMILY: No, we are going to talk about it. You're running around like you have no responsibility in life, like you can flit from thing to thing. . .
LORELAI: That's not true.
EMILY:. . .from man to man.
LORELAI: I don't flit from man to man.
EMILY: You have a daughter, this affects Rory too, you know!
RICHARD: Emily, you're wasting your breath.
LORELAI: I know this affects Rory. I'm not doing this lightly. In fact, I'm not doing anything at all.
RICHARD: There's no reason to raise your voice.
LORELAI: I can't believe this.
EMILY: I wanna know why. I want a reason. I don't want any of this just because' and it just didn't work out' nonsense. I want a solid, adult reason why the father of my granddaughter and her mother can't seem to put a family together.
LORELAI: His girlfriend is pregnant.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Sherry is pregnant, and when Christopher found out, he went back to her and that, Mother, is the reason.
EMILY: Are they getting married?
LORELAI: I don't know probably.
RICHARD: Oh, of course they're getting married.
EMILY: How do you know?
RICHARD: I know because I know Christopher, and Christopher always tries to do the right thing.
EMILY: The right thing is for him to be with his family. Lorelai and Rory are his family. He met this woman two minutes ago.
RICHARD: Emily, he is going to be a father.
EMILY: He already is a father!
LORELAI: I really really don't wanna discuss this anymore.
EMILY: Lorelai, you have to talk to him.
LORELAI: There's nothing to talk about.
EMILY: Tell him you wanna get married.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom, please stop.
RICHARD: Yes, Emily, please stop. You know that Lorelai never does anything unless she wants to no matter the consequences to anyone else.
LORELAI: What's that supposed to mean?
EMILY: Lorelai wants to be with Christopher, she told us that at the wedding.
RICHARD: Yes, and now the wind has changed.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
RICHARD: Christopher is living up to his responsibilities as he tried to do many years ago with Lorelai, then she turned him down and turned him away.
LORELAI: I was sixteen.
RICHARD: If Christopher has found someone who will actually allow him to be a father to his own child, then of course, that's what he's going to do.
EMILY: So you support this?
RICHARD: I understand this.
EMILY: I am appalled by your attitude.
RICHARD: And I am shocked by your naïveté. Did you really expect this to work out? Did you really have pictures of Norman Rockwell family Christmases dancing in your head? Lorelai had her chance for a family, she walked away from it. That was her choice. He has a chance to be a father. I applaud him.
EMILY: Then you're an idiot.
RICHARD: If you'll excuse me, I'm going into my study.
EMILY: Richard! You do not walk out on me when we are having a discussion. Richard!
[While Emily and Richard are arguing, Lorelai walks into the house and leaves through the front door]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai pulls up in the town square. She looks around, then walks into Luke's Diner. Luke is standing at the cash register.]
LUKE: We're closed.
LORELAI: I know. Look, I didn't come here to make up, or to try to get you to forgive me, or talk. I wouldn't even have come here at all but I had a really crappy night and I really, really need a cup of coffee. Just pretend I'm not me. I'm Mimi, a new customer. I've never been in here before. I was just walking down the street and I spotted this place. Ooh, hey, nice place.' And I came in. Now Mimi is going to pour herself a cup of coffee and sit over here way far away from you, and she promises, just as soon as she's done, she will rinse out her own cup and leave.
[Lorelai pours herself a cup of coffee and sits at the end of the counter.]
LORELAI: This is the second time I let myself do this.
LUKE: Do what?
LORELAI: Think I finally found it.
LUKE: Found what?
LORELAI: Love, comfort, safety.
LUKE: Ah.
LORELAI: I mean, first with Max, which of course, I screwed up, and then with Christopher, which of course, all the elements of the universe got together to screw up.
LUKE: Yup, it's tough when the universe is against you. That's like taking on the Manhattan garbage union.
LORELAI: I always thought if he could just get it together, grow up maybe we could do it. Maybe we could really be a family, in the stupid, traditional Dan Quayle, golden retriever, grow old together, wear matching jogging suits' kind of way. And then he did get it together he became that guy. . . and he gets to be that guy with her. Chris is gonna have a baby with his girlfriend. He's gonna marry her. . .and he's gonna be there for her while she's pregnant and he's gonna be there with her while her child grows up, and he's gonna be there for her while she does. . . whatever it is she does. And I am in exactly the same place that I was in before.
LUKE: Is that so bad? I mean, you got Rory.
LORELAI: Yes, I do.
LUKE: You got friends, you got a house, a job, apparently an iron stomach.
LORELAI: No, it's not so bad. I'm lucky, I know. I just. . .I feel like I'm never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it the whole package.
[Luke puts a donut on a plate, then slides it down the counter to her]
LUKE: You'll get it.
LORELAI: How do you know?
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: How do you know?
LUKE: Because I know, okay? I know. Now eat your donut.
LORELAI: I'm really not very hungry.
LUKE: Well, take it with you. You will be later.
[Lorelai wraps up the donut and puts it in her purse, then pulls out some money]
LUKE: Forget it, first time customers are on the house. Mimi, was it?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: Come again, Mimi.
LORELAI: Thanks, I will. Seems like a very nice place.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is in the living room as Lorelai walks into the house]
LORELAI: Hey, you're home.
RORY: Yup, I'm home.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, I figured how to get the Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer out of our heads to sing the Small World song over and over for the next forty-eight hours. Of course, how we get the Small World song out of our heads, I have not worked out yet. Okay, see, that was not how that whole scene between us was supposed to go.
RORY: No?
[They sit down on the couch]
LORELAI: No. I mean, yes, I was surprised and I do think the basic sentiment of make up your mind' was kind of called for.
RORY: Absolutely called for.
LORELAI: But I didn't mean to upset you and yell at you and make you feel bad, I'm really sorry, hon.
RORY: I know, but you were right.
LORELAI: Ah, well, that's once, I guess.
RORY: So how was dinner?
LORELAI: So how was Dean?
RORY: So how was dinner?
LORELAI: So how was Dean?
RORY: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Williams' sisters take center stage at Wimbledon once again.
LORELAI: Dinner was bad.
RORY: Sorry.
LORELAI: That's okay, I knew it would be. Oh, but the good news is we can now go back to Luke's.
RORY: You made up! How did you make up?
LORELAI: Well, I'm Mimi now.
RORY: Oh, sure.
LORELAI: So speaking of Dean, is there still a Dean?
RORY: Yeah, there's still a Dean.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: I don't know what I was doing. Maybe it's because I haven't dated a lot but this Jess thing was crazy. And I do love Dean and you were absolutely right I was treating him like dirt and I wasn't appreciating what was right in front of me, but I'm going to now.
LORELAI: Rory, I don't want you to stay with Dean because of me.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: Cause I was upset earlier.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: I still have this Christopher thing bugging me and the pressure of tonight's dinner.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: I didn't wanna upset you and I certainly don't want you to make an important decision off of
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Because it's too important
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: And I just want you to be happy.
RORY: Mom! All I did was think about what you said, that's all. Then I analyzed the situation.
LORELAI: And then you made a pro and con list.
RORY: You're mocking me, but yes, I did. And after all of this, I came to the conclusion that I want to make things good with Dean, and he deserves my undivided attention.
LORELAI: And you feel good about this?
RORY: I feel really good about this.
LORELAI: Okay, because if you decided you really did wanna date Jess, I would help you. . .get vaccinated.
RORY: Thank you, but I'm good.
LORELAI: All right, as long as you're good.
RORY: I am good.
LORELAI: Well, okay, good.
RORY: What about you, are you good?
LORELAI: Me? Well, I'm gonna be good.
RORY: Is there anything I can do to help?
LORELAI: Your existence is a huge help.
RORY: We're both gonna be good.
LORELAI: Yeah. I wonder if Christopher and Sherry's baby is going to look like me?
RORY: Well, if the kid knows what's good for it, it absolutely will.
LORELAI: Hand me my purse, will you? I'm hungry.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x01 - Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days"} | foreverdreaming |
3.02 - Haunted Leg
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Chris Long
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, and Emily are sitting in the living room]
RORY: Well, this is nice, isn't it? [pause] So, Grandma, Grandpa is traveling again, huh?
EMILY: Yes, he is.
RORY: Business must be good.
EMILY: Seems to be.
RORY: That's great. Isn't that great, Mom?
LORELAI: A jig is forthcoming.
RORY: Mom's business is great, too. I mean, not that it's without its problem, you know, but they're usually funny problems. . .like, um. . .oh! Mom, why don't you tell Grandma about the mouse?
EMILY: What mouse?
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: There's a mouse at the inn.
EMILY: Is the place dirty?
LORELAI: No, it's just surrounded by this thing called nature and. . .mice happen.
EMILY: Mice carry diseases, you know.
LORELAI: It's a tiny little field mouse, Mom.
EMILY: I don't care how big it is, it's still a rodent.
LORELAI: Let's just change the subject, shall we?
EMILY: You should set a trap.
LORELAI: Got it covered.
EMILY: Just make sure you don't use poison.
LORELAI: Got it covered.
EMILY: They will eat the poison and then go into the walls and die, decompose, and the entire place will smell.
LORELAI: I've got it covered, but thanks.
EMILY: I just have to say, I don't know why you're the one sitting here with an attitude. I'm the one who should be mad.
LORELAI: Let's not do this, okay Mom?
EMILY: After all, you're the one who just walked out of here last week without saying a word.
LORELAI: Because I couldn't get a word in.
EMILY: Your father and I were shocked and upset.
LORELAI: So what else is new?
EMILY: You didn't give us five minutes to digest the news.
LORELAI: Please, find the off switch.
EMILY: You simply dumped it on us and walked out. I hardly think that's fair.
LORELAI: Mom, it doesn't matter. It's over. Let's just move on, okay? We came here to have a nice evening, so. . .come on, let's have it. [picks up the newspaper from the coffee table]
RORY: Something smells good.
EMILY: Braised lamb shank.
RORY: Oh, braised lamb shank! I love a lamb shank when it is braised.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
EMILY: Reading in front of other people is extremely rude, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Shauna Christy sh*t her husband.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Shauna Christy, you remember Shauna Christy.
EMILY: Yes, I remember Shauna Christy, she was a lovely girl.
LORELAI: Well, apparently this lovely girl came home to find her husband giving the nanny a nice little bonus package. And they say good help is hard to find.
EMILY: That's just gossip.
LORELAI: Gossip? The man was sh*t thirty-five times. He looks like a sprinkler system.
EMILY: I can't believe this. Shauna was always such a nice girl. She was bright, cultured, well-spoken.
LORELAI: And apparently a big Annie Oakley fan.
EMILY: This is not funny, the woman committed a crime.
LORELAI: Okay, fine.
EMILY: This is a tragedy.
LORELAI: My bad, sorry.
EMILY: A man is d*ad, a young woman ruined.
LORELAI: Consider the subject dropped.
EMILY: At least she had a husband to k*ll.
LORELAI: This is nice, isn't it?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table; Lorelai sneezes]
RORY: Bless you.
LORELAI: Thank you. Ugh, I hate having a cold.
RORY: I know you do.
LORELAI: Ugh, it's bad enough being sick, but anybody can have a cold.
RORY: I know they can.
LORELAI: I mean, I'd like to have a good illness, something different, impressive. Just once I'd like to be able to say, "Yeah, I'm not feeling so good, my leg is haunted."
RORY: See, there's a reason why you only take one packet of TheraFlu at a time.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Luke brings their food]
LUKE: All right, pancakes, one fried egg, side of bacon. Chicken noodle soup, side of mashed potatoes.
RORY: Thanks, Luke.
LORELAI: Thanks.
LUKE: How's the cold coming?
LORELAI: It's fine.
LUKE: Any better?
LORELAI: It's fine.
LUKE: It's the third day in a row you've ordered soup for breakfast.
LORELAI: Oh, thanks for the tally.
LUKE: You know what helps get rid of a cold?
LORELAI: Endless vague questioning first thing in the morning?
LUKE: A healthy immune system.
LORELAI: My second guess.
LUKE: And you know how you get a healthy immune system?
LORELAI: Remember when you hated me? That was fun, wasn't it?
LUKE: Is it eating nothing but crap all day and bl*wing out your brain cells with coffee?
RORY: No.
LUKE: That's right, no.
LORELAI: Why are you helping him?
RORY: No seemed like the right answer.
LUKE: Eat a vegetable now and then, maybe some high fiber cereal in the morning.
LORELAI: Listen, Grandpa, my soup's getting cold.
LUKE: At least eat the carrots in the soup this time, not just the noodles.
LORELAI: I promise.
[Luke walks away; Lorelai holds her bowl of soup toward Rory]
LORELAI: Eat my carrots.
RORY: Apparently, maturity is extremely overrated in your universe.
LORELAI: That's right. The Empress Bobo Belle forbids it. Eat.
[Jess' girlfriend Shane walks up to Jess at the counter]
SHANE: Hey.
JESS: Hey.
[they kiss]
SHANE: So?
JESS: One sec.
SHANE: Jess.
JESS: Relax. I'm out. Let's go.
SHANE: Okay.
[they leave]
LORELAI: Ladies and gentlemen, an entire conversation in ten words or less.
RORY: A true meeting of the minds.
[Dean walks up to their table]
DEAN: Okay, so, uh, please don't hate me, but I already ate breakfast.
RORY: See, nice full sentences.
DEAN: What?
LORELAI: Don't ruin it.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai and Michel are looking into the fireplace]
LORELAI: You're sure?
MICHEL: Positive. It ran right across the lobby and into the fireplace.
LORELAI: I don't see it.
MICHEL: Well, it must've found a hole to crawl into.
LORELAI: We cannot have this mouse running around the inn. Customers will freak.
MICHEL: Well, tell them it's a baby. People love babies. They'll talk to it in funny voices.
LORELAI: Did you call an exterminator?
MICHEL: Why, no, what a wonderful idea. I was actually going to fasten a large wedge of cheese to my head and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry and decides to crawl out and snack on my face.
LORELAI: When does he get here?
MICHEL: He said we were the first stop.
LORELAI: What do we do until them?
MICHEL: Make cat sounds?
[Kirk walks into the inn carrying a package]
KIRK: Excuse me, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Oh, hey Kirk. Hold on a sec. [to Michel] Just stand here and make sure it doesn't come out.
MICHEL: Oh, goody, a promotion.
LORELAI: [walks over to Kirk] Hi Kirk. What can I do for ya?
KIRK: I have a delivery for Sookie.
LORELAI: Oh, well, anything good?
KIRK: No, just some wedding photos.
LORELAI: Great. Well, she stepped out for a minute, but I'll take them to her. I swear, I'll give them to her. If you want, I'll leave and find her and then I'll give them to her.
KIRK: No, that won't be necessary.
LORELAI: Okay, well. . .
KIRK: Uh, Lorelai, can I speak to you for a moment?
LORELAI: Oh, sure.
KIRK: Could we sit?
LORELAI: Sit. . .sure, let's sit. [they sit down on the sofa] Is everything okay?
KIRK: Okay?
LORELAI: Yes.
KIRK: With me?
LORELAI: Yes.
KIRK: Well, my mother has developed a condition makes her knees enormous. Yesterday I spent all morning cutting holes in her pants so she could sit, but other than that and the dyspeptic parrot problem, everything is fine.
LORELAI: Well, good, I'm glad. Okay, well, um, I'm gonna
KIRK: I was just wondering . . .
LORELAI: Yes. . .wondering what?
KIRK: We've known each other for a good amount of time now. Our, uh, paths have crossed professionally and socially a number of times, all with relatively pleasant results, and well, I was just wondering if you would like to have dinner with me?
LORELAI: Oh.
KIRK: In two weeks.
LORELAI: Two weeks?
KIRK: I heard you have a cold. I think two weeks is enough time to ensure the virus is out of your system.
LORELAI: Well, Kirk, I
KIRK: You don't have to answer me right away. I know that this is completely out of the blue for you. Take a few days and think about it. [starts walking toward the door]
LORELAI: Kirk, wait.
KIRK: By the way, I think you might be the prettiest girl I've ever seen. . .outside of a really filthy magazine.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[Kirk leaves; Lorelai walks past Michel]
LORELAI: Don't.
MICHEL: I am doing nothing. Ben, however, has dropped d*ad from laughter.
CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM
[Rory wakes up and sees Lorelai sitting in a chair staring at her]
RORY: How long have you been sitting there?
LORELAI: Not long. An hour. . .and a half.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Because.
RORY: Cause why?
LORELAI: Because today is the last first day of high school you're ever gonna have.
RORY: You're insane.
LORELAI: I'm not insane, I'm just sentimental, and you're grown.
RORY: I'm not grown.
LORELAI: Yes, you are, you're all grown up and soon you'll be going off into the world.
RORY: Not yet.
LORELAI: But soon. And after you spread those wings and fly away, I won't have the opportunity to give you this.
[Lorelai hands her a piece of paper]
RORY: What is it?
LORELAI: It's your bill.
RORY: My what?
LORELAI: Yeah. I've been crunching the numbers, you know, adding up what you've cost me over the years raising you, clothing you, feeding you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
RORY: Mmhmm.
LORELAI: Yes, I've itemized everything here by years and income ratio. I thought you could factor it into your student loan.
RORY: Oh boy.
LORELAI: One thing that's painfully obvious here you've used an extraordinary number of diapers.
RORY: I'm gonna go take a shower.
LORELAI: Really, it's cost a fortune. What were you using all those diapers for?
RORY: I was building my make Mommy go away' castle.
LORELAI: All right, you got home too late last night and I didn't get a chance to talk to you.
RORY: I got home at ten and you were already asleep.
LORELAI: Well, I was trying to watch The Legend of Bagger Vance again.
RORY: Okay, what did I miss?
LORELAI: Okay. Kirk asked me out.
RORY: Shut up!
LORELAI: Yesterday he came to the inn and asked me to dinner.
RORY: That's so sweet.
LORELAI: Sweet?
RORY: You should wear your dress with the ponies on it. I bet he likes ponies.
LORELAI: Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Uh huh. . .why? He's. . .he's Kirk!
RORY: Well, as long as he loves you.
LORELAI: You are not serious.
RORY: I just want you to be happy.
LORELAI: "Hello Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don't make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter."
RORY: Okay, so how will you let him down?
LORELAI: I don't know. That's why I needed to talk to you, you're the nice one in the family.
RORY: Well, you could just tell him the truth. You could tell him that you're not interested in dating him and that you just wanna be friends.
LORELAI: That sounds so lame.
RORY: You could tell him you're involved with someone.
LORELAI: Yeah, because my current karma is so great in that area, I can really afford to jinx it with that kind of lie no!
RORY: Okay, then you figure it out.
LORELAI: All right. . .we're gonna have to move.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Take off in the middle of the night, leave everything behind, assume different identities. I'll join a local community theater and I'll drive you to soccer. It'll work for many years until the FBI comes to get me, and by that time, you're on your own.
RORY: I don't play soccer.
LORELAI: You do now.
[they walk into the kitchen; as they start getting out stuff for breakfast, Rory laughs.]
LORELAI: Stop!
RORY: It's funny.
LORELAI: It's not funny, it's bad! I have to see this guy. He works at every business in town, I can't get away from him!
RORY: Well, then you should marry him and move in with his mother.
LORELAI: I'll handle it myself, thank you very much.
RORY: Sorry, just trying to help.
LORELAI: So you have your swearing in ceremony today.
RORY: At three, do not be late.
LORELAI: I will not be late.
RORY: Okay, I have something to tell you.
LORELAI: Is it about Vince Foster?
RORY: It's about Grandma.
LORELAI: Oops.
RORY: She's coming today.
LORELAI: No!
RORY: Mom, I'm sorry. She found out about it, she called. . .
LORELAI: And you said yes?
RORY: She's my grandmother.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: So what am I supposed to say?
LORELAI: Say "Sorry, Grandma, but if my mother sees you, she'll run screaming down the hall."
RORY: You'll be sitting there listening to the ceremony, you hardly have to talk at all.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: Hey, we are family.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, look how great that worked out for Sister Sledge.
RORY: I'm gonna go take a shower. You'll be pouting out here when I'm done?
LORELAI: No, I gotta go to work. I'll see you this afternoon.
RORY: At three.
LORELAI: There goes my little vice president, off to rule the world.
RORY: Well, Paris will be ruling the world. I will be holding her keys.
LORELAI: I'm still proud of you.
RORY: I appreciate it.
LORELAI: Honey, you have power, brains, now all you need is a dimwitted, drunken or drug-addicted relative to constantly humiliate you while you serve in office.
RORY: Will you work on that for me?
LORELAI: Two steps ahead of you.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory is standing in the hallway as Lorelai runs up to her]
LORELAI: Ah, time?
RORY: 3:01.
LORELAI: No, oh man, not fair, stupid traffic lights!
RORY: That's okay, it doesn't start til 3:15.
LORELAI: But I so tried to . . . you lied to me.
RORY: Did I?
LORELAI: You said it was at three, and it's at three-fifteen.
RORY: Well, I guess I did.
LORELAI: Ah! That's it, I'm standing up in the middle of your speech and demanding a recount.
RORY: Shall we seat you?
LORELAI: Betrayed, lied to and humiliated.
[they walk into the auditorium]
RORY: Well, get used to it I am in politics now.
LORELAI: Hey, where's, uh. . .
RORY: She's not here yet.
LORELAI: You told her the real time, didn't you?
RORY: Well, Grandma can handle structure. How's this?
LORELAI: Fine.
RORY: Okay, great. You can sit there and you can put your purse on that chair to save it for Grandma.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, great idea.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Fine, yeah, saving the seat. [sits down and puts her purse on the chair next to her] There, all saved.
RORY: Thank you. Now, I'll meet right outside afterwards, okay?
LORELAI: Okay. I just want you to remember three things while you're sitting up there: I love you, you're the greatest kid in the world, and you're in a skirt, keep your knees closed.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Hey, this is good advice. When I was in school, Linda Lee was class treasurer and she could not keep her knees closed if they were magnetized. Hanes should've given her an endorsement deal.
[Rory walks away; Lorelai takes her purse off the seat next to her and holds it on her lap...then puts it back on the chair...then picks it back up again. She's about to put it back on the chair when Emily walks up]
EMILY: Lorelai!
LORELAI: Hi Mom.
EMILY: [sits down] You could've put your handbag there to save my seat, you know.
[cut to Headmaster Charleston at the podium on stage]
HEADMASTER: Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you. Assemblies like this are always happy ones for me, initiating in a new group of school leaders. Chilton's always prided itself on the quality of its student government, and this year we may have outdone ourselves. These young men and women up on this stage represent the best and the brightest of what this school has to offer. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to present to you your student body government of 2003. [applause]
[cut to later in the ceremony]
RORY: [at podium] . . .a larger awareness of the world around us. Problems that not only face us here at school but will face us when we leave school, and more importantly, will face the next generation that follows us. We must learn that our actions have consequences, that someone else will have to clean up our mess. We need to figure out how to make that mess a little smaller. If a small fraction of these things can be accomplished this year, then I will feel like our administration has done its job. Thank you. [applause]
[cut to later in the ceremony]
PARIS: [at podium] In the past, all great empires have fallen. The feeling seems to be that it's inevitable that something like what the Romans built could not last. Maybe they're right. Maybe there is no way of keeping something that big and prosperous permanently. Maybe there is no way of keeping our legacy from becoming obsolete. Well, I intend to fly in the face of such thinking, and damn it, I will succeed. I certainly don't wanna come back here twenty years from now on Alumni's Night and find this place turned into a high priced charm school, pink and white with big cheerleading megaphones painted on the walls. I wouldn't be able to take it. I would have to dismantle the place stone by stone with my bare hands. . .
[cut to later in the ceremony]
ALL STUDENTS ON STAGE: I have faith in the Chilton Handbook, so let it be forever.
HEADMASTER: Congratulations and good luck. [applause]
CUT TO HALLWAY
[Lorelai and Emily are waiting outside the auditorium.]
EMILY: Is Rory coming out?
LORELAI: That's what she said. It was a nice ceremony.
EMILY: Yes, it was.
LORELAI: Long.
EMILY: Very long.
LORELAI: The longest.
EMILY: Lorelai
RORY: [walking up to them] Hey. You're both here.
LORELAI: Yeah, we're here.
EMILY: Of course we're here. We wouldn't have missed it for the world. You looked wonderful up there, Rory.
LORELAI: Yeah, good job with the knees.
RORY: Thank you. I'm gonna run to my locker and get my backpack, then we can go.
LORELAI: I'll be here.
RORY: Bye Grandma. [walks away]
LORELAI: You know, you don't have to wait, Mom, if you have things to do.
EMILY: Oh. . .well, all right. [starts to walk away, then turns back] Lorelai, I was wondering if we could have lunch.
LORELAI: Lunch?
EMILY: Yes, just the two of us.
LORELAI: Oh, well
EMILY: Tomorrow would be good for me.
LORELAI: Tomorrow, lunch tomorrow, lunch with you tomorrow. . .
EMILY: We can do it anywhere you'd like. Perhaps at that Luke's Diner you two seem to love so much.
LORELAI: Lunch at Luke's with you? Wow, I can't even put the visual together.
EMILY: I can meet you there at one.
LORELAI: One? Well
EMILY: If one isn't good, you pick a time. I'll make it work.
LORELAI: All right. One o'clock at Luke's.
EMILY: Wonderful. I'll see you then.
CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA
[Several students are sitting at a table as Paris walks around them talking]
PARIS: Look, let's face it, the last administration might have just as well been running around yelling Toga!' for all the brilliant things they accomplished. But this year everything changes, starting with the library. It's completely out of proportion with its subjects. I mean, there's five hundred volumes on the French Revolution, yet only three on the Crusades. How do they expect us to get a decent education with inferior resources like that? Huh, seems like the hour's almost up. Okay, well, I think this has been an extremely successful first gathering. I appreciate all the class presidents coming and being on time. So before I adjourn this meeting, is there anything anyone would like to say?
RORY: People's names might have been nice.
FRANCIE: Actually, I have something I'd like to put on the table to be discussed.
PARIS: Oh, okay. Well, we only have a couple of minutes, so give us the Reader's Digest version.
FRANCIE: As president of the senior class, a certain problem has been brought to my attention. For the past thirty years, the Chilton regulations have stated that skirts must be no higher than three-quarters of an inch above the knee, that's it. Any higher, the student gets written up. I propose to put to an immediate vote an amendment to raise hemlines an additional inch and a half.
PARIS: Hemlines?
FRANCIE: That's right.
PARIS: That's the major issue on the senior class' mind?
FRANCIE: It's one of the major issues, yes.
PARIS: Well, okay thank you, Francie, for giving us something really important to mull over here. I anticipate a lot of sleepless nights for many of the people in this room. I will take that under advisement and get back to you as soon as I can.
FRANCIE: Oh, okay, fine. Thanks.
PARIS: Now, if that's it, I officially call the first meeting of the Chilton student body presidents to a close. I'll see you all Friday. [bangs gavel on the table]
GIRL: What idiot gave her a gavel?
[Rory walks up to Paris]
RORY: Okay, see, the whole point of having an informal get to know you' gathering was actually to have an informal get to know you' gathering.
PARIS: What's your point?
RORY: You just spent an hour walking around talking about your agenda.
PARIS: I'm student body president that's my job.
RORY: But we got donuts, and we didn't touch the donuts. The donuts are still sitting next to the coffee that we never passed out. We were supposed to spend this time to talk, bond, get to know each other.
PARIS: Geez, Rory, we've been sitting in a room together for sixty minutes what else do you want, a ring?
FRANCIE: Hi. Excuse me, Paris? I just wanted to say on behalf of the entire senior class, congratulations on your win and I'm really looking forward to working very closely with you this year.
PARIS: Thanks.
FRANCIE: Okay. See you later. Bye Rory. You two are gonna make a great team. [leaves]
PARIS: Yes, the jerseys are coming on Friday. [to Rory] Okay, I'm gonna drop the demand for the librarian's resignation tonight. You wanna read it before I send it?
RORY: Are you sure the first thing you wanna do in office is to get a ninety-three year old woman sacked?
PARIS: Hey, at least I'm not putting her on an iceberg and shoving her off to sea, which considering the fact that you can't find the Shakespeare section without psychic powers yet the Cliffs Notes rack practically smacks you in the face on the way in, is totally justified.
RORY: And we're off.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Sookie walks up to Lorelai in the lobby]
SOOKIE: Okay, I just got a message that a vegetarian menu was requested for tonight.
LORELAI: Yeah, Lasano's, party of five at eight o'clock.
SOOKIE: I thought you said you weren't gonna let vegetarians in here anymore.
LORELAI: No, you said you weren't gonna let vegetarians in here anymore.
SOOKIE: But I'm making my baked stuffed pork chops for tonight.
LORELAI: Well, make them for the other guests and make something else for the Lasano's.
SOOKIE: Like what?
LORELAI: I don't know. Pasta, you make great pasta.
SOOKIE: But that's boring, anyone can make pasta. I'm an artist. You don't dictate to an artist, you don't tell him what to do. I mean, no ever walked up to Degas and said, "Hey, pal, easy with the dancers, enough already. Draw a nice fruit bowl once in awhile, will ya?"
LORELAI: A great artist can make art out of anything, including pasta.
SOOKIE: Fine, pasta, whoo.
LORELAI: Is there coffee?
SOOKIE: Just made some.
LORELAI: Great.
SOOKIE: So today's your lunch with Emily.
LORELAI: Yup.
SOOKIE: Any idea what she's gonna say?
LORELAI: No, but I bet it's not, "I'm joining the circus, feed your father until I get back." I should just cancel.
SOOKIE: You can't cancel, you're meeting her in an hour.
LORELAI: I know, but this goes against every rule I have in the Gilmore survival guide. Number one no running with scissors. Number two no pageboy haircuts. Number three never ever have lunch alone with a mother.
SOOKIE: It might not be so bad.
LORELAI: Saying yes to this lunch with my mother is like saying "Sounds fun!" to a ride with Clemenza.
[they walk into the kitchen]
SOOKIE: Think good thoughts, she could surprise you.
LORELAI: I guess.
SOOKIE: People change, you know. They do it every day. I mean, one minute you could be. . .oh, let's say a vegetarian, and the next minute you could accidentally have a bite of a stuffed pork chop that changes your entire way of thinking.
LORELAI: Sookie.
SOOKIE: Oh, suddenly life's fun, suddenly there's a reason to get up in the morning it's called bacon!
LORELAI: Forget it.
SOOKIE: Come on!
LORELAI: Pasta.
SOOKIE: Let the people grow, dammit!
CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY
[Rory is walking down the hallway when someone pulls her into the bathroom. Francie and two of her friends are in there.]
FRANCIE: Rory, hi, nice of you to join us.
RORY: Francie, what
FRANCIE: No, I talk, okay? Great. Now let's discuss Paris.
RORY: What about her?
FRANCIE: She seems to have the very strange idea that she's actually in charge around here, and I thought it'd be good if I let you in on a little secret. . .she's not.
RORY: Why don't you tell her this yourself?
FRANCIE: Because talking to Paris is like shopping for a bathing suit in December frustrating, fruitless, and a complete waste of time. Now, you, you might be the wallflower, but you're obviously the Meyer Lansky behind this organization.
RORY: I am not the Meyer Lansky.
FRANCIE: What's that noise? What is that noise? Oh wait, it's me, still talking. Didn't you hear it? Obviously not. Anyhow, Paris is student body president big fat deal. There are three other class presidents the junior class president, the h*m* class president, and oh, yes, the senior class president me.
RORY: I know all this.
FRANCIE: Well, then, it's off the short bus for you, isn't it? Now if Paris thinks she's gonna march around dictating mandates and ignoring what I have to say, then she's in for a major bikini wax.
RORY: Thanks for the visual.
FRANCIE: Without me, she's nothing. Just another power mad, insecure, friendless, dateless, highlight-less loser wandering around trying to make someone care that they exist at all, which, by the way, no one does. I control the senior class. I am also the leader of the Puffs, the most exclusive society on this campus, and I have the power to make her life a living hell.
RORY: Francie, she's just
FRANCIE: I can make sure she does nothing this year but lead the student body in whatever version of the Pledge of Allegiance happens to be constitutional at the time.
RORY: What do you want me to do about it?
FRANCIE: I want you to go back to Margaret Thatcher and tell her to play ball. She's gonna support the hemline issue, and any other issue that I bring up for the rest of the year. Otherwise I'll make her so ineffectual, she'll make Jimmy Carter look like Martin Sheen do you get me?
RORY: We're supposed to be representing the interests of the student body. We are not supposed to be brokering backdoor deals and pushing through agendas with intimidation and bribery. I mean, what are we, French skating judges?
FRANCIE: Wise up, Goldilocks.
RORY: My hair's brown.
FRANCIE: This is politics. If you've got a problem, tell it to Noam Chomsky. I live in the real world, now blow. Oh, and I would keep this conversation between you and me. Paris tends to get a little paranoid when there's other mammals at the watering hole, so her finding out that you were conferring with me might not make your vice presidency any easier.
RORY: I am not conferring with you. A hand came out of the bathroom and pulled me in.
FRANCIE: What are you talking about? You sought me out because you thought Paris was a little out of line today and you wanted to make sure my very delicate feelings weren't hurt. You are so sweet to think of me. I feel much better now that I have you on my side. Bye now, see you at the hemster.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks through the door and looks around for Emily]
LUKE: What the hell are you doing here?
LORELAI: Ah, I came for the warmth.
LUKE: Well, you're just not usually here this time of day, that's all.
LORELAI: Well, I'm meeting someone for lunch.
LUKE: Oh, Kirk?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: You're meeting Kirk?
LORELAI: Why would you say that?
LUKE: Well, I know he asked you out so I just assumed.
LORELAI: How do you know he asked me out?
LUKE: He told me.
LORELAI: He told you?
LUKE: Yesterday.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
LUKE: Hey, relax, I think it's great.
LORELAI: Why, why would he tell you?
LUKE: Well, actually, he came to me for a little advice.
LORELAI: About what?
LUKE: About whether or not I thought he had a sh*t with you. After all, I know ya, I've been to your house, I know whether or not you have stain resistant rugs.
[Lorelai sits down at a table]
LORELAI: I'm lying down now.
LUKE: When he found out you had wood floors, he seemed very pleased.
LORELAI: Oh, Luke.
LUKE: I told him you like movies and junk food, and of course, talking incessantly, but we both agreed that there's nothing like some good lovin' to shut a person up, if you know what I mean.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, can you bring me a sharper fork? I'm not sure this one will go all the way through your hand.
LUKE: Okay, now, I know it's new so you probably don't wanna jinx it, so I won't talk about it anymore. But I have to tell you, seeing that guy's face when he was talking about you. . .he almost had an expression.
LORELAI: Far, far away from me.
LUKE: [sings] Love is in the air.
[Lorelai throws a spoon at him as he walks away]
LORELAI: Ha!
[Emily walks into the diner]
EMILY: Why are you throwing cutlery in a public place?
LORELAI: Uh, cause I feel stupid doing it at home?
EMILY: I'm sorry I'm late, there was a little traffic on the way. Perhaps had I been on time, there would still be the possibility of soup.
LORELAI: I haven't been here that long. See, I still have a Kn*fe.
EMILY: I'm glad to hear it.
LORELAI: So, you gonna sit?
EMILY: Oh, yes, of course. [wipes off the seat, then sits down] There we go. Well, this is nice. You certainly can see the whole town from here, can't you?
LORELAI: Yes, you can.
EMILY: I can see why you come here so much. It must be fun to just sit and people-watch. Well, let's see what they've got, shall we? [opens menu] Oh, Caesar salad is that good here?
LORELAI: Uh, I'm sure it is.
EMILY: You've never had it?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Has Rory?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Oh. Well, Caesar salads can be extremely unsafe if they use bad eggs.
LORELAI: Get something else.
EMILY: Of course, if they're coddled, it would be fine. Do you know if they coddle the eggs here?
LORELAI: I have no idea.
EMILY: You don't know? You come here every day.
LORELAI: Why don't you ask Luke if they're coddled?
EMILY: Oh, he'll just say they are. I'll have a Cobb salad. What are you going to have?
LORELAI: A Caesar salad with extra uncoddled eggs on the side.
EMILY: Really, Lorelai, would a serious answer once in awhile k*ll you?
LORELAI: Sorry, Mom. Uh, honestly, I'm a little confused.
EMILY: About what?
LORELAI: About this.
EMILY: What's confusing? We're having lunch.
LORELAI: I know we're having lunch, but we don't usually have lunch, especially not in my town at Luke's Diner.
EMILY: I just figured you had to work, it'd be easier on you this way.
LORELAI: Okay, that's fine, if I
[Luke walks up to the table]
LUKE: You two ready to order?
EMILY: Yes. How is your Caesar salad dressing prepared?
LUKE: I'll have to call Paul Newman and ask him.
EMILY: A Cobb salad and an iced tea.
LORELAI: Cheeseburger, fries, onion rings and a cherry coke.
LUKE: Any pie today?
LORELAI: Hm, no thanks.
LUKE: Cutting back a little, huh? Trying to look good for the big day. Smart, very smart.
LORELAI: Make sure you check that frying oil with your face.
[Luke walks away]
EMILY: What was that all about?
LORELAI: Ah, nothing, just a little small town charm. Now, please, Mom, tell me why did you ask me to lunch?
EMILY: Because I wanted to spend some time alone with my daughter.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Well, Rory drops by after school every now and then, so we see her alone.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: But we never see you alone. . .unless Rory leaves the room for a second, and even then you try to go with her. If I had a nickel for every time you've used the Girls always go to the bathroom together, Mom' line, I'd be a very rich woman.
LORELAI: You are a very rich woman. Mom, please, is this really a me and you' lunch? No hidden agenda?
EMILY: Of course not.
LORELAI: Okay, fine.
EMILY: I talked to Christopher.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: I called him last week, we talked for a very long time, and I have to tell you, he is not in love with that woman.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
EMILY: He never came out and said it, but I could tell from his voice. He would much rather be with you and Rory.
LORELAI: Are you out of your mind?
EMILY: I think you need to talk to him.
LORELAI: And that would be a yes.
EMILY: All he needs is to hear that you want this, too.
LORELAI: Mom, what the hell are you doing calling Christopher?
EMILY: Well, somebody had to.
LORELAI: No, somebody didn't have to!
EMILY: Oh, I certainly wasn't going to just sit by and watch this situation explode. You two belong together. It took you years to figure that out, and now that you finally have it, you can't let it go away just because of a little complication.
LORELAI: Mom, his girlfriend is pregnant that is more than a little complication.
EMILY: Women have gotten pregnant since the beginning of time, Lorelai.
LORELAI: And before I result to the totally called for duh, please tell me what your point it.
EMILY: This woman is trying to trap him. Don't you see that? You can't let that happen.
LORELAI: Mom, this is none of your business.
EMILY: Yes, it is! It affects Rory, it affects you both of whom are my business.
LORELAI: Do not get involved in this, I mean it. Butt out! Don't call Christopher and talk about me or us, just stay out of it!
EMILY: Where are you going?
LORELAI: I have to get back to the inn.
EMILY: Do not walk out on me.
LORELAI: Mom, I am not gonna discuss this with you now or ever. I would love for you to respect that but I know you, so give Christopher my love.
EMILY: A family life doesn't just happen, Lorelai. You have to work for it. You have to fight for it. Lorelai, come back here!
[Lorelai walks out]
CUT TO CHILTON
[Several students are gathered at a table for a meeting]
PARIS: So as soon as she gets out of intensive care, we'll get her signature, and then we can finally set about hiring a new librarian. Anything else?
LOUISE: Yes. Uh, I was thinking that maybe this year we should throw a little beginning of the school year dance. I mean, why wait until the tan fades to have a formal?
PARIS: Dances are distracting.
LOUISE: Dances help bring in money to pay for those stupid topiaries you want in the quad.
PARIS: Draft a proposal and have it on my desk by tomorrow. Madeline?
MADELINE: I would like to explore the option of having a professional photographer take the senior class photos. Every year we use that cheesy picture place, and every year people wind up with those VH1 Before They Were Stars' pictures, and I for one would like to stop the humiliation now.
PARIS: How are we going to get a professional photographer?
LOUISE: Helmett Newton is my godfather.
PARIS: Okay, sign him up and tell him to leave the whips and chains at home. All right, I think that's all we have time for today.
FRANCIE: Um, excuse me, Paris? I was just wondering if you had time to think about my proposal?
PARIS: What proposal?
FRANCIE: You know, the higher hemlines.
PARIS: Oh right. No, not yet.
FRANCIE: Okay, I guess I can wait. . . for awhile.
PARIS: Patience is a virtue.
[The meeting ends and the students disperse from the table. Rory turns to talk to Paris.]
RORY: Hey.
PARIS: What do you think about Helmett Newton being Louise's godfather? Explains a lot, doesn't it?
RORY: Yeah. Listen, I think it might be a good idea to consider getting behind this hemline issue.
PARIS: You're kidding, right?
RORY: No. I mean, if girls want the option of making their skirts a little shorter, then who cares, right?
PARIS: I care. I'm building a legacy here, Rory. You want the first stand I make against the faculty to involve a fashion choice? It would be my gays in the military.'
RORY: I just think it would be really smart to establish some goodwill among the other class presidents.
PARIS: Why?
RORY: Because you have to work with them, and you might even need their support on something in the future. And throwing them a tiny bone like a hemline amendment is no big deal.
PARIS: I don't know.
RORY: Look, it's right at the beginning of your term. No one will even remember the first stupid thing that you passed. You have plenty of time to establish your legacy. I mean it. By the time that you implement public executions for line cutters, hemlines will be a thing of the past. [pause] I was making a joke not a suggestion.
PARIS: Why do you care?
RORY: What?
PARIS: Why do you care? You seem very invested in this whole thing why?
RORY: Hey, I'm not invested in this thing. If you don't wanna do it, fine. I'm just giving you my opinion. I just thought you might wanna be one of those presidents that's beloved as well as respected.
PARIS: Raising hemlines would make me beloved?
RORY: It's certainly a step in that direction.
PARIS: All right, I'll push it through.
RORY: Good.
PARIS: But the next genius who comes up with the brilliant plan to put Elizabeth Arden in the chemistry class can bite my ass.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory walks into the living room as Lorelai walks down the steps]
LORELAI: Ugh, I'm not going.
RORY: You are going.
LORELAI: She has done this to me for the last time. From now on, I'm not giving her any information about my life at all.
RORY: As opposed to all the details you've heaped upon her in the past.
LORELAI: I can't believe she called Christopher. She has no respect for me or my feelings or my privacy.
RORY: Well, she didn't think of it that way. She thought that she was helping.
LORELAI: You do know there isn't a Santa Claus, don't you?
RORY: Please just try to forget this.
LORELAI: I'm never ever going over there again.
RORY: Not an option.
LORELAI: It should be. Sometimes you have to cut people out of your life.
RORY: She's your mother.
LORELAI: I want proof, I want tests done.
RORY: Do you want your red purse or your blue?
LORELAI: Blue. Gee, I wonder who else she's calling. She's probably on the phone to Kirk right now. "I heard through my spies you're taking my daughter out to dinner. Let's talk China patterns." God, I'm furious! [phone rings] Don't get that, it might be her.
RORY: Well, I doubt she'd call when we're supposed to be over in half an hour.
KIRK: [on answering machine] Hello? Hello? [hangs up]
LORELAI: The answering machine confused him.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: And that's the guy who likes me.
RORY: I'd consider adoption if I were you.
LORELAI: My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time maybe we'll pull a Freaky Friday!
RORY: Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh wait. . .
LORELAI: I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me.
RORY: Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.
LORELAI: I would switch bodies with you in a heartbeat if you wanted.
[phone rings again]
RORY: I know, and I appreciate that.
KIRK: [on answering machine] Lorelai, hi. I just called, I think there might be a problem with your phone.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
KIRK: [on machine] I was just wondering if I could ask you. . .
LORELAI: Let's go.
KIRK: [on machine] . . .a couple of quick questions
KIRK'S MOM: [on machine] Hello?
KIRK: [on machine] Mom?
KIRK'S MOM: [on machine] Who is this?
KIRK: [on machine] Mom, would you please get off the phone? Mom?
KIRK'S MOM: [on machine] Is this Dr. Marshall?
KIRK: [on machine] Mom, it's an important phone call, please hang up. I I I I'll call you back.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings several times]
EMILY: [walking toward door] Oh, for heaven's sake. [answers door]
LORELAI: Hey, I don't think your doorbell's working.
EMILY: Believe me, it's not the doorbell.
MAID: [walks up behind them] Oh, so it was the door.
EMILY: Yes, Sarah, once again, it was the door.
SARAH: Okay, so I just have to remember that the really big bell is the door and the small one is the oven.
EMILY: Yes, that would be a wonderful thing to remember.
[Sarah walks away]
EMILY: Okay, well, let's have a drink, shall we?
[they walk to the living room]
RORY: So, Grandma, you have a new maid?
EMILY: Yes, I do.
LORELAI: Well, good thing we're in time for happy hour.
EMILY: Wine, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Uh, yeah, if there's any left.
EMILY: Rory soda or water?
RORY: Uh, soda please.
EMILY: How about water?
RORY: Water's fine, too.
LORELAI: What's up, Mom?
EMILY: Nothing.
LORELAI: You seem tense.
EMILY: You always think I seem tense.
LORELAI: But tonight you seem tenser than usual.
EMILY: Well, I'm not! Rory, tell me about school
RORY: Oh, okay, um. . .school's good.
EMILY: Do you like student government?
RORY: I think so.
EMILY: And your grades are still good?
RORY: Yes.
EMILY: Do you take any sort of physical education?
RORY: Not this semester.
EMILY: But eventually you will take some sort of physical education?
RORY: I'm not sure.
LORELAI: But trust me the minute she decides to run after a ball and take a public shower with thirty other girls, you are getting a call.
EMILY: Well, thank you.
SARAH: [enters room] Dinner's ready!
EMILY: Sarah, one minute please.
SARAH: Yeah?
EMILY: I told you we eat dinner at seven. . .and right now, it's six-thirty. Therefore, one could conclude that maybe it's just a tad early for dinner.
SARAH: Oh, I'm sorry, I -
EMILY: We want to eat at seven!
SARAH: But the food's ready now.
EMILY: Okay, never mind, we'll eat. We're eating. Up, up, let's go. [they walk toward the dining room] It's fine. It's better then we can all be in bed by nine. Sit down.
LORELAI: Mom, tell us what is up right now.
EMILY: What is up with what?
LORELAI: With you, with her, with you and her.
EMILY: Well, she's new, Lorelai. She's only been here three days, she's still getting the hang of things. I think it's only fair to give the woman a chance. Why are you staring at me?
LORELAI: Mom, you've had maids deported who were better than her.
EMILY: I have not.
LORELAI: Talk.
EMILY: Your father made a crack the other day about my not being able to keep a maid.
LORELAI: Ah.
EMILY: Of course, it's a gross exaggeration. Yes, I've had maids I haven't liked, but I've also had maids I've loved.
LORELAI: Name one.
EMILY: Daiha.
LORELAI: Who?
EMILY: You remember, she took you shopping once.
LORELAI: How old was I?
EMILY: I don't know.
LORELAI: Guess.
EMILY: Four, five.
LORELAI: Mom, you haven't liked a maid since I was four or five?
EMILY: I have liked a maid; you asked me whom I loved. I loved Daiha.
LORELAI: And whatever happened to Daiha?
EMILY: Oh, how should I know? But I loved her.
[the maid enters with some plates]
SARAH: Okay, so salad?
EMILY: Thank you, Sarah.
[doorbell rings]
SARAH: Oops, big bell. [goes to answer it and takes the salad plates with her]
EMILY: Sarah, the salad! Sarah! Pass the wine, Lorelai.
LORELAI: You want a straw with that?
EMILY: You're enjoying this?
LORELAI: Well. . .yeah.
[Christopher walks in]
CHRISTOPHER: Lor, I need to talk to you.
LORELAI: Chris, what are you doing here?
CHRISTOPHER: You won't return my calls!
LORELAI: Did you do this?
CHRISTOPHER: I knew you'd be here.
EMILY: I did not do this.
CHRISTOPHER: You gave me no choice.
LORELAI: After I told you to just stay out of it!
EMILY: Lorelai, I did not do this!
LORELAI: You have to go.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm not going until you talk to me.
[Lorelai and Christopher walk down the hallway]
EMILY: Christopher, Lorelai, come back here!
[cut to hallway]
CHRISTOPHER: Why won't you call me back?
LORELAI: Hey, there couldn't be a worst time to have this conversation.
CHRISTOPHER: Really, because it seems to be the only time to have this conversation.
LORELAI: Look, go home, okay? I promise I will talk to you tomorrow.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, sure, I believe that.
LORELAI: Hey, I've never lied to you. There's no reason to doubt my word.
CHRISTOPHER: Really? Forty-five unreturned phone calls isn't a reason?
LORELAI: No, it isn't.
CHRISTOPHER: You shutting me out like this is wrong.
LORELAI: I'm not discussing this with you here in my mother's house.
CHRISTOPHER: You don't get to dictate this. I need to talk to you, you won't call me back, and I did what I had to do. And I'm sorry but after all we've been through, especially over these last few months you shutting me out is wrong. And you know what hits me the hardest, Lor?
LORELAI: Apparently it isn't the door on your way out.
CHRISTOPHER: You keeping Rory from me.
LORELAI: What?
CHRISTOPHER: I never, ever thought you'd do that.
LORELAI: I'm not keeping Rory from you.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh really? Then why hasn't she called me back, huh? I mean, no matter where you and I have been in our lives, my daughter has always called me back until now.
LORELAI: Hey, listen to me
[Rory walks up to them]
RORY: I didn't call you back because I didn't want to. Me Mom had nothing to do with it.
LORELAI: Okay, honey, calm down.
RORY: You promised me. You promised me at Sookie's wedding that this was going to work, that you were going to be there, you promised me.
CHRISTOPHER: Honey, please understand
RORY: No, I always understand, and I don't wanna understand! I don't even really wanna talk about this right now. I've got Mom, that's all I need. Go be somebody else's dad!
CHRISTOPHER: Don't say that.
RORY: I'm going upstairs. Call me when he's gone. [goes upstairs]
CHRISTOPHER: She did not get there by herself.
LORELAI: Hey, have you ever met your daughter? She could get anywhere by herself! She could get to the third dimension by herself! She was helping the crossing guard when she was four.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm going to talk to her.
LORELAI: No, you're not. She wants to be alone and cool off. Respect that. I'll talk to her later.
CHRISTOPHER: You'll talk to her, great. That makes me feel a whole lot better.
LORELAI: Okay, you need to leave, right now.
CHRISTOPHER: This isn't right. She needs her father.
LORELAI: I know she needs her father, I've been telling her she needs her father! But she feels like her father bailed on her and she's mad and hurt, and I can't change that in three minutes!
CHRISTOPHER: Do you think I like this situation?
LORELAI: Oh God.
CHRISTOPHER: Do you? I mean, after what you and I had going and now
LORELAI: Chris, do you remember why we're here right now? What event in your life caused this very pleasant moment we're sharing?
CHRISTOPHER: That has nothing to do with this.
LORELAI: Oh it what? Chris, man! What do you want from me?
CHRISTOPHER: I wanna talk!
LORELAI: About what?
CHRISTOPHER: I don't know. I just. . . I don't like how things are.
LORELAI: But that's how they are!
CHRISTOPHER: I didn't want things to turn out this way!
LORELAI: But they did turn out this way!
CHRISTOPHER: But I didn't want that!
LORELAI: Christopher, is Sherry still pregnant?
CHRISTOPHER: Of course she is.
LORELAI: Are you still with her?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes.
LORELAI: Are you gonna marry her?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes.
LORELAI: Then, honey, we are where we are! Accept it.
CHRISTOPHER: I can't.
LORELAI: Don't you understand that I can't talk to you because it hurts talking to you, really hurts! Standing here right now is k*lling me, okay? Don't you understand that?
EMILY: Christopher, I think you'd better go now.
CHRISTOPHER: Emily, I . . .
EMILY: Leave now, please.
[Christopher leaves]
LORELAI: You know, you need a mask and a horse when you do that.
EMILY: Something's burning.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Christopher is sitting on his motorcycle as Lorelai walks out of the house]
LORELAI: Chris? Give it time.
[Christopher nods and drives away]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Rory and Lorelai walk down the sidewalk]
LORELAI: Well, now, that was a fun night.
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: I haven't had that much fun since labor.
RORY: Ba-dum-bum.
LORELAI: But seriously, ladies and gentlemen, is this on?
RORY: I can't believe he just came over.
LORELAI: He misses you.
RORY: He misses you.
LORELAI: We're very missable. Honey, he loves you so much, he didn't mean to mess
RORY: No, he never means to, but he does. And I don't care what he says or does, I'm not going to this wedding.
LORELAI: You don't have to.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: But you might, at a later point in your life, when you're not so angry and you make up with your dad, as we both know you will, you might be sorry you missed it.
RORY: It's the wrong wedding.
LORELAI: Ah, things happen for a reason.
RORY: Since when is that your philosophy.
LORELAI: Since now. By the way, I'm also a communist.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Yes, cause I look damn good in red.
RORY: I'm starving.
LORELAI: Really? Could it be cause dinner sucked?
RORY: Could be.
LORELAI: Let's do mac and cheese.
RORY: And tater tots
LORELAI: And those little pizza rolls.
RORY: Oh, and chili beef soup.
LORELAI: After which we will install our own vomitorium.
RORY: Okay, nix the soup.
LORELAI: And add some cake. Okay, let's be organized make it fast, make it snappy, and if there's any impulse buying, make it chocolate.
RORY: Aye aye, captain.
KIRK: [calls from down the street] Lorelai!
LORELAI: Oh no. Go on in.
RORY: Are you sure?
LORELAI: I have to take care of this.
RORY: Good luck.
[Rory goes into the market as Kirk walks up to Lorelai]
LORELAI: Hey Kirk.
KIRK: Lorelai, I know you haven't made up your mind yet, and I'm not here for an answer. I just need to know are you allergic to tuna?
LORELAI: Uh, no.
KIRK: No, good. Thank you very much.
LORELAI: Uh, Kirk, I have made up my mind.
KIRK: You have?
LORELAI: Yeah.
KIRK: Already?
LORELAI: Yes.
KIRK: And it's fully formed?
LORELAI: Yes, it is.
KIRK: You don't need any other information?
LORELAI: No, I don't.
KIRK: Cause I could have my mother call you if
LORELAI: Totally unnecessary.
KIRK: Okay, well, then, go ahead.
LORELAI: I just got out of a really weird relationship, and I know that sounds like a line, but it isn't. I'm just not. . .fully over the shock of it yet, and I never wanna hurt you because you're my friend and I like you, so I have to say no. I'm sorry.
KIRK: Was the tuna inquiry too personal?
LORELAI: Oh, no, I thought it was very thoughtful
KIRK: You're sure you won't feel like it anytime soon?
LORELAI: Yeah, I'm sure.
KIRK: Well, at least I asked. Goodnight Lorelai.
CUT TO INSIDE DOOSE'S MARKET
[Rory walks into an aisle and sees Jess]
JESS: Doing a little shopping?
RORY: Yes. Excuse me.
JESS: Why the cold shoulder?
RORY: No cold shoulder. I just have perishables here.
JESS: Oh yeah, you wanna get home before that beefaroni goes bad.
RORY: My mom's waiting for me.
JESS: How was Washington?
RORY: Fine.
JESS: Do anything interesting?
RORY: Nope.
JESS: Okay.
RORY: What about you?
JESS: What about me?
RORY: Anything interesting happen? This summer, I mean.
JESS: Nope.
RORY: Really?
JESS: Really.
RORY: So nothing happened this summer, at all?
JESS: It was hot. Two weeks ago there was a run on snowcones. Machine broke, people went crazy, Taylor tried to call in the National Guard, but
RORY: I'm not talking about snowcones.
JESS: What are you talking about then?
RORY: Nothing.
JESS: Her name's Shane.
RORY: As in come back'?
JESS: Yup.
RORY: Well, great. That's great. Really, it's great.
JESS: So I've heard.
RORY: Well, it is.
JESS: Are you upset about something?
RORY: No.
JESS: I mean, me and Shane
RORY: What about you and Shane?
JESS: I don't know, it didn't exactly bring a smile to your face.
RORY: Well, I'm still freaked out about the, uh, snowcone machine.
JESS: Okay.
RORY: I could care less about you and Shane.
JESS: Good.
RORY: It just surprised me, that's all.
JESS: Why?
RORY: Because.
JESS: Because why?
RORY: Because of what happened at Sookie's wedding.
JESS: Ah.
RORY: Yeah, so me coming back here and just seeing you with Shane just kind of threw me for a sec.
JESS: I'm sorry, did I hear from you at all this summer? Did I just happen to miss the thousands of phone calls you made to me, or did the postman happen to lose all those letters you wrote to me? You kiss me, you tell me not to say anything. . .very flattering, by the way. You go off to Washington. . . then nothing. Then you come back here all put out because I didn't just sit around and wait for you like Dean would've done? And yeah, what about Dean? Are you still with him? 'Cause last time I checked, you were, and I haven't heard anything to the contrary. Plus, the two of you walking around the other day like some damn Andy Hardy movie. Seemed to me like you're still pretty together. I half expected you to break into a barn and put on a show.
RORY: When did you see me with Dean?
JESS: At that stupid summer insanity plea the town put on.
RORY: Oh, I'm surprised you could see anything with Shane's head plastered to your face.
JESS: You didn't answer me.
RORY: About what?
JESS: Did you call me at all?
RORY: No.
JESS: Did you send me a letter?
RORY: No.
JESS: Postcard?
RORY: No.
JESS: Smoke signal?
RORY: Stop.
JESS: A nice fruit basket?
RORY: Enough!
JESS: Are you still with Dean? Come on, Rory, yes or no are you still with Dean?
RORY: Yes, I'm still with Dean, yes!
JESS: Glad to hear it.
RORY: Glad to tell you.
JESS: See you around.
RORY: Whatever.
JESS: Right back at ya.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory walks out of the market with a bag of groceries]
LORELAI: Hey, I was just gonna come in after you. You all done?
RORY: Oh yeah, I'm done.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x02 - Haunted Leg"} | foreverdreaming |
3.03 - Application Anxiety
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Gail Mancuso
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are on the sofa watching "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour"]
RORY: This is sublime.
LORELAI: It was the golden age of television.
RORY: The music, the costumes, the sets.
LORELAI: All cylinders were fired on this one, boy!
RORY: And who knew that they all had such musical talent?
LORELAI: And such far out booty shaking abilities, as well.
[The mailman walks through the front door and sets the mail on the bench]
EDDIE: Mail, ladies.
LORELAI: Thanks, Eddie!
[Eddie walks back out; Rory walks over to get the mail]
RORY: Did you see that TV Guide had this on their list of the worst fifty shows of all time?
LORELAI: I know! Who are they to judge?
RORY: I know, it's on my top fifty best.
LORELAI: Yeah, right after "Holmes and Yoyo" and "Hee Haw Honeys." Oh, Rory, get back here! They're in clown suits and headed for the pool.
RORY: Oh my God.
LORELAI: Honey, come here.
RORY: It's here.
LORELAI: What's here?
RORY: My application to Harvard.
LORELAI: Oh my God. [walks over to look at it] It's beautiful.
RORY: Impressive letterage, huh?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, it's so. . .
RORY: Very.
LORELAI: Can I hold it?
RORY: Be careful.
LORELAI: Oh, it's heavy, heavy with importance.
RORY: I feel dizzy.
LORELAI: Are you sure that's not just the sight of Robert Reed in the tight clown pants?
RORY: Oh, geez. Let the record show that when my application to Harvard arrived, we were watching "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour."
LORELAI: You don't lose points for that, do you?
RORY: I hope not. Man, this morning I was reading d*ad Souls it couldn't have come then?
LORELAI: Well, we'll just tell people that's what you were doing, and that I was studying a really big globe. They'll never know.
RORY: You can keep a secret?
LORELAI: Not so far, but there's always a first.
RORY: d*ad Souls and a really big globe.
LORELAI: Deal. [looks at TV] Oh, kayaks!
[opening credits]
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Lorelai sits at the table with the Harvard application while Rory gets a drink from the refrigerator]
LORELAI: Come on, come on, I wanna get started.
RORY: Hold your horses there little Miss Horsie Holder.
LORELAI: They're going to expect a higher level of wit when you're at Harvard. Oh, watch that drink.
RORY: I'm nowhere near it.
LORELAI: Well, keep it that way. This is an uncontaminated area. I even cleaned the table using something other than the sleeve of my sweater and spit. [shows her a bottle of cleanser]
RORY: Lovely image. I'll be careful.
LORELAI: All right, here we go. First question. Uh! Oh my God.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: "What were you doing the moment you received this application?" counts for fifty percent of your eligibility.
RORY: Stop.
[Lane walks out of Rory's bedroom]
LANE: I need help.
LORELAI: With what?
RORY: She's writing her drummer-seeks-rock-band ad.
LANE: And it's not reading right to me. Could you guys look it over?
RORY: Let's see "Drummer with strong b*at seeks band into the Accelerators, the Adolescents, the Adverts, Agent Orange, the Angelic Upstarts, the Agnostic Front, Ash. . ." You went alphabetically.
LANE: Seemed tidy.
LORELAI: And a little OCD.
RORY: And a little long.
LANE: I can't make cuts.
RORY: It's three pages, single spaced make cuts.
LANE: But this is the cut-down version. I mean, just from the letter A, I excluded AC/DC, the Animals, and A-Ha, footnoted as a guilty pleasure.
RORY: If we can't get through it, no one can.
LANE: Okay.
RORY: Okay.
LANE: I'll try to make cuts, but no guarantees. [goes back into Rory's bedroom]
LORELAI: Okay, personal information. . . state your full name. Better not get that one wrong.
RORY: I'll try.
LORELAI: And nickname, if any.
RORY: That would be Rory.
LORELAI: Or Droopy Drawers.
RORY: That was never my nickname.
LORELAI: Wrong, I called you that as a baby.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: That's right. You had these little OshKosh cords and they were way too big and once at the mall, they fell right down to your knees and I said, "Whoa, there, Droopy Drawers!" and I'm just afraid if we don't answer everything accurately, the Harvard police will come and h*t you with an atlas and say something mean in Latin.
RORY: How would they know that you called me Droopy Drawers?
LORELAI: Well, we could be at a Harvard event and I could slip up and say, "Pass me a lobster puff, Droopy Drawers," and they could hear me, and that'll be that.
RORY: How bout you don't drink at any of these Harvard events?
LORELAI: Okay, parental information. Mother breathtaking.
RORY: I think they just want your name.
LORELAI: Father ostracized. Personal statement.
RORY: Oh, the essay the big kahuna.
LORELAI: You can evaluate a significant experience that's had an impact on you. How bout that time your drawers dropped at the mall?
RORY: Enough with the drawers.
LORELAI: Or you can write about a person who has had a significant influence on you.
RORY: You?
LORELAI: Or one of your authors, Faulkner or. . .
RORY: Or Sylvia Plath.
LORELAI: Hm, might send the wrong message.
RORY: The sticking her head in the oven thing?
LORELAI: Yeah. Although she did make her kids a snack first, shows a certain maternal instinct.
[Lane walks out of Rory's bedroom]
LANE: Okay, I just crunched the numbers and at two thousand words and twenty-five cents a word, this stupid ad's gonna cost five hundred dollars! That's five months worth of Minwaxing end tables at my mom's store. I give up.
RORY: No, don't give up. Just cut down your influences to the most important ones, like with David Bowie.
LANE: Gotta have Bowie.
RORY: But do you have to list every album he ever recorded plus your personal rating between one to ten?
LANE: Maybe not.
LORELAI: And what's with Jackson Browne making the list?
LANE: Ah, see, cool people know that he's more than a mellow hippie-dippy folkie, that he actually wrote some of Nico's best songs and was in fact her lover before he bored us with "Doctor My Eyes." That will separate the poseurs from the non-poseurs.
RORY: Wax on, wax off.
LANE: I hate this. [goes back into bedroom]
LORELAI: Okay, what activities interest you?
RORY: All of them except for the sports.
LORELAI: I thought you were the lacrosse kid.
RORY: Mom, just a modicum of seriousness as we do this would be much appreciated.
LORELAI: Hm, so, circle all of them except sports. Oh, they want a picture. How about the one of us sticking our heads through the carved out holes of Johnny Bravo and SpongeBob Squarepants?
RORY: There's the seriousness I crave.
[Lane opens the bedroom door]
LANE: I'm going to have to crank the Ramones if I have to make deep cuts.
[Lane shuts the door, and a second later, music starts blaring from the room]
RORY: We'll move outside.
LORELAI: The outside's contaminated.
[Rory grabs the bottle of cleanser and they walk out the back door]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Dean and Rory are sitting at a table. Luke refills Rory's coffee mug]
RORY: Thank you.
LUKE: Do they let kids drink coffee before school?
RORY: Why, do you think it might lead to harder stuff? Lattes, cappucinos. . .
LUKE: Forget I asked. [walks away]
RORY: So, what are you doing Saturday?
DEAN: Just my usual chores.
RORY: Your usual chores, John-boy?
DEAN: Well, what else do you call house jobs?
RORY: I call them the stuff you avoid until the Environmental Protection Agency steps in.
DEAN: Why do you ask?
RORY: I thought we could see a movie or something.
DEAN: You're not free.
RORY: How do you know?
DEAN: Cause you'll be working on your application all weekend.
RORY: No, I'm not.
DEAN: Really?
RORY: It's not due for weeks, and I already have my essay topic picked out.
DEAN: Which is?
RORY: Hillary Clinton.
DEAN: Sounds perfect.
RORY: I know. She's so smart and tough and nobody thought she could win New York but she did and she's doing amazing, and have you heard her speak?
DEAN: Only when you've played me the thousands of hours of C-SPAN footage you taped.
RORY: She's a great speaker, strong and persuasive with a wonderful presence, and even those suits of hers are getting better.
DEAN: I'd include that in the essay.
RORY: Anyhow, now that I have Hillary, all I need is a date for Saturday. Suggestions?
DEAN: You're on.
RORY: Great. Oh, there's my bus. Sip. [sips coffee] Kiss. [they kiss] And bye.
DEAN: Bye.
[Rory exits the diner and runs to catch her bus as Luke walks over to the table]
LUKE: Fast runner.
DEAN: It's the coffee.
LUKE: Not your face?
DEAN: Excuse me?
LUKE: Sorry, just missed my youth for a second. I'm back. Coffee?
[Luke looks out the window and sees Taylor taking photographs of the store next to the diner]
CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY
[Rory is waiting outside the auditorium while Paris argues with a teacher]
PARIS: Everyone always says that! This is my speaking voice. This is its natural volume! Fine, fine! [walks over to Rory and they walk into the auditorium]
PARIS: Short-sighted morons.
RORY: What now, Paris?
PARIS: We went to all this trouble to set up this stupid seminar. I say we, but let's face it, I did most of the work, and Mr. Hunter won't let me do it the way I want.
RORY: The panelists are up there. We sit across from them and ask questions. What's the problem?
PARIS: It's boring and predictable and done to death. I wanted Charlie Rose.
RORY: To ask the questions?
PARIS: His style. I wanted us sitting at a round table with black backdrops.
RORY: But the audience won't be able to see anything.
PARIS: I was working with the losers in the AV club to project it on a giant video screen. And all Mr. Hunter said was, "Paris, this isn't the Beatles at Shea Stadium." Nice anachronism, huh? Like they had video screens in sixty-three. His references are as topical as his suits.
MR. HUNTER: [on stage] Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please? We can get this seminar started. I'd like to bring up the organizers of this little event, Paris Gellar and Rory Gilmore.
[There are two tables on the stage. A man and a woman are seated at one of them; Rory and Paris walk on stage and sit at the other]
PARIS: Thank you, Mr. Hunter. Everybody, this is a seminar called "The Business of Getting In." Its goal is to help guide us through the torturous process of applying to, and getting into, the right college. My panelists are Jim Romaine, admissions officer at Princeton University, and Ivy-League college consultant, Rose Samuels. Welcome, panel.
RORY: Yes, welcome.
PARIS: Now, panel, you're addressing a group of kids just beginning the stressful process of applying to college. Question what is the biggest mistake a person can make on his or her application? Mr. Romaine?
MR. ROMAINE: Well, forgetting to send it in would be the worst mistake, but perfunctory answers would be high on my list.
PARIS: Explain.
MR. ROMAINE: I'm talking about run of the mill responses, a lack of originality, particularly in the essay category. If I read one more over-adulating piece of prose about Hillary Clinton and her profound influence, my head will explode.
MS. SAMUELS: I hear that. Sometimes a mistake like that comes from writing what one thinks an admission officer wants to read.
MR. ROMAINE: Big mistake.
MS. SAMUELS: And sometimes it's just a lack of original thought.
MR. ROMAINE: Just as big a mistake.
PARIS: Personal anecdote when I was twelve and I was writing the first of my trial essays in practice for the day I'd write my real essay, I chose Hillary Clinton. Then I realized every braindead bint in a skirt would be writing about Hillary, but it was good to clear the pipes. Now, what are some other mistakes?
MR. ROMAINE: Well, small thing, but if your printing is bad, that says something we don't like. If your extracurriculars and volunteer activities are too by-the-book, that says something we don't like.
MS. SAMUELS: Yes, those activities should have a personality behind them a focus, a direction. I've seen applications where the student has circled every activity listed. Again, you're trying too hard there. One can't be interested in everything.
MR. ROMAINE: They're the ones who've had college paraphernalia on their walls their whole lives.
MS. SAMUELS: Too hungry, it's a little immature.
PARIS: Interesting, interesting. Rory, do you wanna ask a question?
RORY: No.
PARIS: What?
RORY: No, thank you.
PARIS: Okay. So, how early should a student get an application in?
MR. ROMAINE: By the due date. Earlier makes no difference. It's a complete myth that there's a benefit to be derived from early admission. I do think it's important to talk about the interview process. I believe it's an opportunity to weed out the hyper-intense candidate. . .
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Emily walk into the living room]
EMILY: So, she's meeting you here?
LORELAI: Yeah, she had a thing after school, a rumble or something. She said she'd be over after.
EMILY: A rumble?
LORELAI: Yeah, a bunch of kids meet in an alley, they pirouette, they pull knives, it's a whole to-do.
EMILY: So she's meeting you here?
LORELAI: Yes, she's meeting us here. Where's Dad?
EMILY: The magazines. [walks away]
LORELAI: That was weird. . .and unresponsive.
[Lorelai walks over to the couch as Emily returns with a stack of magazines]
EMILY: These are college issues of various magazines. I've been collecting them for a couple of months now.
LORELAI: Oh, well, Rory's probably seen all those, but thanks anyway.
EMILY: Have you read these?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Well, you should. I've unearthed some shocking statistics. I mean, do you have any idea how hot the competition is to get into a school like Harvard?
LORELAI: Well, yeah, it's very hot. It's one of the top schools in the country.
EMILY: In the world. People from China, Russia, India, children from every country apply to Harvard. There's more competition than ever before.
LORELAI: Really, Mom, I know all this.
EMILY: With the dot-com bust and the job market dwindling and the stock market going up and down like a yo-yo, everyone and his brother knows the best chance for success and financial security is not just to go to college, but to go to a top college.
LORELAI: Thank you, got it, appreciate the info.
EMILY: Every child that applies has the same high grade point average, they've taken the same AP classes, and they're all on the student council.
LORELAI: They're not all that identical.
EMILY: One college admissions officer said that he sometimes puts a random stack of applications in the yes pile and the rest in the no pile because he knows it doesn't make any difference. He doesn't even so much as glance at them.
LORELAI: That does not sound real.
EMILY: And now it's the in thing for young Hollywood celebrities to go to universities. What do they call themselves, the Brat Pack?
LORELAI: About a hundred years ago.
EMILY: They get into wherever they want based on name recognition. I was watching TV and that insipid Kate Hudson was talking about going to a university. If she decides to go to Harvard, she'll get right in over Rory, who we know is more qualified.
LORELAI: How bout a drink, Mom? You want a drink, cause I sure do.
EMILY: Lorelai, hold on here. What are we gonna do about this?
LORELAI: Look, there is no we, okay? It's me me and Rory that's the we. I appreciate your concern and your prodigious research, but it's all gonna be fine. Rory's special.
EMILY: Well, you know that and I know that but those idiots at Harvard may not necessarily know that.
RORY: [calls from hallway] Hello?
LORELAI: Uh, we're in here, honey, and hurry!
[Rory walks into the living room]
RORY: Hi Grandma.
EMILY: Hello Rory. You look flushed.
RORY: I ran from the bus stop, I'm okay. Mom, hey, I've been trying to call you can I talk to you for a second?
EMILY: Is something wrong?
RORY: No, I just need to talk to Mom about something, that's all. We'll be quick.
LORELAI: Okay, hon. We'll be back.
CUT TO RICHARD'S STUDY
[Rory and Lorelai walk in]
RORY: I'm not getting into Harvard.
LORELAI: What? Who says?
RORY: Well, I'm completely unprepared, and I have no original thoughts!
LORELAI: No, no, don't blame yourself, it's not you. It's those jerks at Harvard I hate them!
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Well, apparently, it doesn't matter how qualified you are, those lazy-ass admissions officers just take applications and stick it in the yes and no piles without even glancing at them!
RORY: Well, it won't matter because my Hillary Clinton essay will be just like every other girl's Hillary Clinton essay because apparently that's all we can think of. I'm such a hack.
LORELAI: Is it true everyone has the same GPA? How is that possible?
RORY: Because we all take the same classes and we all give the same perfunctory run-of-the-mill responses. And I'm interested in too many things, I have to limit them. I'm gonna circle travel on my application. From now on, that is what I am interested in, travel.
LORELAI: No, no, don't do that, no! Because all those people coming from China and India and God knows where else, they're all nuts for traveling that's why they're traveling here! And
and jobs are dropping and dot-com b*mb and something's acting like a yo-yo, I don't know what but it's not good! And over my d*ad body is Kate Hudson getting your spot, let me just say that right now!
RORY: Mom, you're freaking out!
LORELAI: Yes, I'm freaking out!
RORY: Well, you can't freak out, I'm freaking out! [cell phone rings] Hello?
PARIS: What the hell did Romaine mean when he was going on about weeding out the hyper-intense in the interview process? He stopped just short of calling me by name, I'm losing it!
RORY: Not now, Paris.
PARIS: I tried to throw the questioning over to you because I was about to heave and you left me hanging so I had to come home and heave.
RORY: I'll talk to you tomorrow, Paris. [hangs up]
PARIS: Wait!
LORELAI: Okay, we gotta calm down here.
RORY: So, set an example.
LORELAI: Hey, I'm human, too.
RORY: My forehead is burning up.
LORELAI: My heart is beating so fast, it's gotta slow down.
RORY: Okay, just. . .let's take a breath.
LORELAI: Okay. This freaking out is not good.
RORY: It sucks.
LORELAI: We can do this. If others can do this, we can do this!
RORY: Well, I'm not so sure anymore.
LORELAI: That is unacceptable!
RORY: Well, I don't wanna accept it.
LORELAI: Then we won't.
RORY: Well, what do we do?
LORELAI: I don't know. We definitely need some sort of perspective.
RORY: I think we need therapy.
LORELAI: And booze! For those of us over twenty-one. Okay, are we calming? Are we less-freaked?
RORY: I'm totally freaked out.
LORELAI: Well, hide it!
RORY: I can't hide it.
LORELAI: Then prepare yourself for an evening of magazine recitations by Emily "DJ Doom-meister" Gilmore.
RORY: I'll hide it.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is making coffee in the kitchen when the phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers] Hello? . . . No, Lane should be here any minute. Is this about the ad? . . . Well, uh, give me your number and she'll call you back. . . Okay, then, what's the number of the dude whose couch you're sleeping on? . . .Uh! Dude doesn't have a phone? Well, try back later, dude. Thanks. [hangs up] Rory, are you up? If not, get up! [phone rings again] And where's Lane? She's supposed to be fielding these. [answers phone] Hello? No, she's not, may I take a message? [Lane walks in through the back door] Oh, wait a minute here she is, hold on. [holds out the phone toward Lane]
LANE: Sorry. [answers phone] This is Lane. [walks out of kitchen]
[Rory walks out of her bedroom]
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Aw, what's up?
RORY: I didn't sleep so well.
LORELAI: Poor thing.
RORY: I'm fine. I'm just a little bummed.
LANE: [on phone] No, wait, wait, wait, progressive rock is a really passé style now but I listed it as an influence because it was a progenitor of great things that came afterwards. I mean, I contend that you can draw a straight line from Yes to Jethro Tull to the Jam to Nirvana, bing bang boom. . . Who are the Jam? [to Rory and Lorelai] That's disturbing. [walks away]
LORELAI: Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like Bananarama. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama. . .or something. Honey, I'm just kidding, you gotta go to college.
RORY: I'm up for anything at this point. I gotta go. I'll see you later?
LORELAI: Feel better, okay?
RORY: I will.
LANE: You are not telling me that you did not know that Kim Deal was in the Pixies before the Breeders! I refuse to accept that! [hangs up] These kids have no sense of history.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke walks up to a customer at the counter]
LUKE: Hey Tom, what's up?
TOM: Nothing much. Why don't you get me a ham on rye, mustard, no mayo.
LUKE: You got it.
[A young boy walks up to the counter]
BOY: Hi.
LUKE: You got money?
BOY: Yes, sir.
LUKE: What can I get ya?
BOY: Let's see. How about a nice, cold egg cream?
LUKE: A what cream?
BOY: An egg cream. A nice and cold one.
LUKE: What is that?
TOM: It's like, uh, milk and soda water with flavoring, isn't it?
LUKE: You asking me?
BOY: Nice and cold.
LUKE: I heard that part.
TOM: Used to get them at Coney Island.
LUKE: Go to Coney Island, kid.
[The boy leaves, and another boy walks up to the counter]
BOY: Sir, can I get something to go?
LUKE: You got money?
BOY: Uh huh.
LUKE: What do you want?
BOY: A black cow.
LUKE: Aw, now, come on.
BOY: It's just root beer and ice cream.
LUKE: Root beer and ice cream?
BOY: Uh huh.
LUKE: Well, I can do that.
BOY: As long as the ice cream's made the old fashioned way on the premises.
LUKE: Now wait a second.
[Kirk walks up to the counter]
KIRK: Hey, Luke, can you whip me up something in a hurry?
LUKE: What, Kirk?
KIRK: A chocolate phosphate.
LUKE: Okay, now, what the hell is this? Why do you want a phosphate?
KIRK: Because nothing says refreshment like a phosphate.
LUKE: This is Taylor, right? Is he behind this?
KIRK: I'm not at liberty to say.
LUKE: [to boy] Okay, then, you tell me. And remember, if you lie, you'll go to hell.
BOY: He didn't say you'd get mad.
LUKE: Come on.
[Luke drags Kirk and the boy out of the diner]
CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET
[Luke pulls Kirk and the boy into the market]
TAYLOR: What is this?
LUKE: That's my question. Now what the hell's going on here?
TAYLOR: I have no idea what you're talking about.
LUKE: They're asking for phosphates and egg creams and black cows, and they already gave you up, so tell me what's going on.
TAYLOR: Who finked?
KIRK: Him, him.
BOY: Snitch!
KIRK: Well, you did.
LUKE: It's not the kid's fault, Taylor. Now what is this about?
TAYLOR: Well, you are so close-minded to new things, Luke, that I decided to make an admittedly desperate attempt to convince you of the need for something that I think is a terrific idea.
LUKE: Which is?
TAYLOR: An old fashioned, turn of the century soda shop!
LUKE: Aye yi yi yi yi!
TAYLOR: It's just the kind of wholesome hang today's teens need to keep them off the streets.
LUKE: And our streets are so wild and out of control?
TAYLOR: If you ask me, yes and I have proof. [hands Luke an envelope of pictures]
LUKE: What are these?
TAYLOR: Surveillance photos of town goings-on, the dark side of Stars Hollow, Luke not a pretty picture.
LUKE: These are kids on skateboards.
TAYLOR: Slaloming around pop bottles right down the middle of the street. I'm telling you, Luke, if we don't quick furnish these skateboarding z-boys with a moral distraction, they're gonna turn Stars Hollow into Dogtown.
LUKE: [points to a picture] This is the space next to the diner.
TAYLOR: I know.
LUKE: I own the space next to the diner.
TAYLOR: I know.
LUKE: You wanna open the soda shop in the space next to the diner?
TAYLOR: It's the only one that's appropriate.
LUKE: Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no!" And when I die, I'm gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How's Ted?" followed closely by, "Taylor, no!"
TAYLOR: But the space is empty!
LUKE: Not for long.
TAYLOR: And what are your plans for it?
LUKE: A skateboard and pop bottle shop.
TAYLOR: That's not funny.
LUKE: With in-house experts to teach the craft of street slaloming.
TAYLOR: Still not funny.
LUKE: Well, I'm not in a very funny mood!
KIRK: Luke, are you taking applications for jobs at your skateboard and bottle shop?
LUKE: Yeah, I'm interviewing people today, Kirk.
KIRK: Great. Shall I go home and change or will casual suffice?
LUKE: I like the going home part.
KIRK: I don't understand.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sitting on the couch when Rory walks through the front door]
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Hey. Guess who I actually had a very productive conversation with today? Headmaster Charleston.
RORY: You're kidding.
LORELAI: No, and I think we came up with the solution to our application anxiety, you wanna hear it?
RORY: I guess.
LORELAI: Well, we spent the first ten minutes on him bugging me to volunteer for more stuff at school, or in lieu of that to make a donation to build the new basketball court, and then another couple of minutes of me convincing him that what sounded like me going "Ha!" was really me clearing my throat, but after that we had a very pleasant, productive conversation.
RORY: And?
LORELAI: He suggested setting up a meeting with a Harvard graduate, like a dinner or something. He even gave me the number of someone he knows.
RORY: An alumni dinner?
LORELAI: Yes, exactly.
RORY: Do they do that?
LORELAI: According to Charleston, it's done all the time.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: Yeah, it would be an opportunity to talk with someone who's been through it all and did it successfully. You can ask questions, he can give some perspective, it seems perfect.
RORY: It sounds a little weird.
LORELAI: Yeah, a little, but I'll go with you and what's the worst that can happen? We're bored and we blow a meal, but if this person can help, then that's a good thing, right?
RORY: I do have some questions. . . a lot of questions.
LORELAI: Well, let's call him.
RORY: Now?
LORELAI: Yes, yes, there's no time like the present, come on. [they walk over to desk] His name is Darren Springsteen of Westport, Connecticut, Harvard class of 74. Uh! Ask if he has a brother named Bruce.
RORY: I'm not gonna ask him that. [dials phone number] It's ringing.
LORELAI: Hee!
[Rory hangs up the phone]
LORELAI: Why'd you hang up?
RORY: I'm not good at these things.
LORELAI: Did he answer?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Yes? Rory, that's a really terrible first impression. [phone rings] Uh oh.
RORY: Him?
LORELAI: Maybe.
RORY: He star sixty-nined us?
LORELAI: Well, the Harvard people can afford all the latest technology. Answer!
LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey, you've reached Suffragette City, and if you're calling about Lane Kim's ad, sorry we're not in, but don't commit rock and roll su1c1de just crank a message with some feedback.
RORY: Oh geez.
LORELAI: Well, if he is related to Bruce, he can dig it.
DAVE: [on machine] Hey, my name's Dave Rygalski, I'm calling about the ad. I left my number before, so call when you get a chance.
GIRL: [in background on machine] Where's my
DAVE: [on machine] Relax, I'm coming.
[Lorelai stops the message]
LORELAI: Let's try this again. [dials number]
RORY: Can we please just do this later?
LORELAI: No, let's get it done now. It's ringing.
RORY: Let's do it later.
LORELAI: It's ringing. [hands her the phone]
RORY: I'm gonna say the wrong thing or have the wrong tone in my voice. I'm not in good first impression mode right now. [hands phone back to Lorelai] Unh!
LORELAI: [answers phone in high voice] Hello? Hello, um, this is Rory Gilmore. I believe you were expecting my call. . .Um, oh, well, this is such a wonderful opportunity for me. . .Whatever's good for you will be great for me. . .
RORY: Not so breathy.
LORELAI: That's how chickens talk! [on phone in high voice] Lunch? Oh yes, let me just check my organizer. . .oh, perfect. My mother will be there, too. She's terrific. . . All right, I'll see you this weekend. . . Mm, bye. [hangs up]
RORY: You're no Danny Gans.
LORELAI: I never claimed to be.
RORY: He's gonna be expecting Chilton High School senior Trixie McBimbo.
LORELAI: And her mother, Bambi McBimbo.
RORY: But I guess it can't hurt, right?
LORELAI: It can only help.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: And look, if it's a total bust, we'll grab a pole and Trixie and Bambi'll take it on the road. That's something to put on your application, huh? It'll set you apart.
RORY: Thanks Mom.
LORELAI: [in high voice] Bye Trixie!
CUT TO OUTSIDE THE SPRINGSTEEN RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory walk up the pathway to the house]
LORELAI: So, alumna is a girl graduate.
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: And alumnus is a man.
RORY: Singular.
LORELAI: So an unmarried man?
RORY: No, not not-married. He can be married or single, all alumnus means is one man singular as opposed to many men plural.
LORELAI: And plural is alumni.
RORY: Right, and that can be girls and guys.
LORELAI: Kinky!
RORY: No, not kinky, just what it is. [rings doorbell]
LORELAI: Ugh, you're no fun when you're nervous.
RORY: Oh yes, because you and I usually have so much fun with Latin.
LORELAI: So what do we call this guy, alumnus Darren, you know, like you'd say farmer John or the butcher Lazar Wolf?
RORY: Hish-kabibble.
[A man opens the door]
DARREN: Hello there.
LORELAI: Hello, I'm Lorelai Gilmore.
DARREN: Darren Springsteen, nice to meet you. And this must be the reason we're all here.
RORY: Yes, hello. I'm hope we're not putting you out.
DARREN: Putting us out? Today you are the Springsteen family's raison d'être. Come in, come in. [they walk inside] Was your drive long?
LORELAI: Not too.
DARREN: Stars Hollow is charming. The last time we drove through there, there was a pumpkin patch.
LORELAI: Sounds like us.
DARREN: In March.
LORELAI: Oh, that would be the year the pumpkins arrived late.
DARREN: Sounds like a Dr. Seuss book. You came bearing gifts?
RORY: What? Oh, this. No, this is not a gift. These are my records grades, SATs.
LORELAI: It's Rory in a bag you add water and her brilliance springs out.
DARREN: Why don't I just glance at this some other time, mm? This afternoon, why don't we just talk and get to know one another, okay?
RORY: Sounds good.
LORELAI: You're a very nice alumni.
DARREN: Thanks. [walks down the hall]
RORY: That's the plural.
LORELAI: Ah, rats!
[they follow him into the living room]
DARREN: Lorelai, Rory, say hello to Marie, my wife.
MARIE: Hello, so good to have you here.
LORELAI: Hi.
RORY: Thank you.
MARIE: How about drinks? Iced tea, water?
RORY: Iced tea's good.
LORELAI: Same here.
MARIE: Okay. [leaves room]
DARREN: Do you like art, Rory?
RORY: Very much.
DARREN: Modern painting is my passion. I've got a Hockney, a Kline what I don't have is a Diebenkorn so please don't ask, "Where's the Diebenkorn?"
LORELAI: Uh, you warned me just in time.
DARREN: I only recently got into sculpture. My latest acquisition, it's a Zoltan Kemeny. Very provocative. Don't you just love its audacity?
LORELAI: Yes, it's very audacious.
DARREN: So, what are some of your other interests, Rory?
LORELAI: Oh, well, pull up a comfy chair there, Darren, because they are widespread and extensive.
RORY: I read a lot. I'm into the Russians lately.
DARREN: Tolstoy, Turgenev?
RORY: Gogol is my thing right now d*ad Souls.
DARREN: One of my favorites.
LORELAI: You were reading that when we got your Harvard application in the mail, weren't you sweetie?
RORY: Yes, yes I was.
LORELAI: I saw that Harvard logo on the envelope and I said, "Rory, get your nose out of your Gogol and get over here!" Of course, we have a TV somewhere, but it's really more of a funny little table to put a cup of chai tea on, you know what I mean?
DARREN: I'm afraid I don't. I watch way too many sports, and I go to all the Harvard games. How about you do you like sports?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: No.
LORELAI: That is, we follow certain things.
RORY: We enjoy various aspects of certain sporting endeavors.
LORELAI: But it wouldn't be the kind that you could ask any follow-up questions on.
RORY: It's a general interest.
DARREN: Got it. It's pretty much a waste of time, but it's how I waste my time. I collect memorabilia, too. I've got each year's Harvard team pennant going back to 1927.
LORELAI: Lots of displayed Harvard paraphernalia, huh?
DARREN: It's all over the walls at the rec room.
LORELAI: See, see, lots of paraphernalia.
RORY: Watch the ribs there.
[Two kids walk in from the backyard]
DARREN: Ah, here are the kids. Jack, Jennifer, this is Lorelai and Rory.
JACK: Hi there.
JENNIFER: It's nice to meet you.
LORELAI: Likewise.
RORY: Hi.
DARREN: Jack's premed at Princeton and Jennifer is bound for Harvard like you Rory.
JENNIFER: Oh, we should talk.
RORY: Sure.
JENNIFER: If not today, another day, okay?
RORY: Okay.
JENNIFER: Uh, do you wanna pick a time now or later. . .
RORY: Later's fine.
JENNIFER: I'll make a note in my palm pilot.
RORY: Cool.
MARIE: [enters room with a tray of drinks] Here are your teas.
RORY: Thank you.
MARIE: Ah, Darren, we should really get the chicken going.
DARREN: Right, right. You're getting my famous chicken today I hope you like chicken.
RORY: Love it.
DARREN: I'll be right back. Here's some of my Harvard yearbooks, peruse them if you like.
LORELAI: Oh.
[Marie and Darren leave the room]
JACK: Yeah, and we should go clean up, Jen.
JENNIFER: Mm, definitely. [to Rory] I will see you in a jiff.
[Jack and Jennifer leave the room]
LORELAI: Ew!
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Did they just leave to take a shower together?
RORY: Oh, gross!
LORELAI: What? They bounced in together, they bounced out together.
RORY: New topic.
LORELAI: Can't take gritty reality?
RORY: Or slanderous postulating.
LORELAI: And how is it they just came off the tennis court and they're not even sweating?
RORY: I don't know. Maybe when you're that white, you don't sweat.
LORELAI: Darren's nice though, isn't he?
RORY: He's very nice. Hey, do you think I'm making a good impression?
LORELAI: Great impression. He loves you, especially when he found out you share his love of various aspects of certain sporting endeavors.
RORY: Hey, you started it. We could have just told the truth and said we weren't into sports.
LORELAI: I was trying to humanize us.
RORY: Yeah, with our funny looking chai tea table. Very humanizing.
LORELAI: [in robot voice] Zoltan Kemeny.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: That artist's name it sounds like robot language, doesn't it? Zoltan Kemeny.
RORY: Don't say it again.
LORELAI: Zoltan Kemeny, Zoltan Kemeny.
RORY: Stop, don't!
LORELAI: Zoltaaaan
MARIE: [enters room] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm interrupting the fun.
LORELAI: No, that's all right, you're not. We were just laughing at all the funny haircuts, that's all.
MARIE: I know, aren't they a blast?
LORELAI: It's just a sea of goofy sideburns.
MARIE: Lunch will be ready in just a few minutes. [leaves]
LORELAI: Zoltan.
RORY: Stop!
CUT TO DINING ROOM
[Lorelai, Rory, Marie and Darren walk into the room]
LORELAI: Aw, wow, what a beautiful table.
RORY: Yes, you didn't have to do that.
DARREN: Oh, Rory, honestly, it's our pleasure.
[Jack and Jennifer walk in wearing similar outfits]
DARREN: Perfect timing, kids.
JACK: Excellent.
JENNIFER: Nice looking lunch, Mom.
LORELAI: [to Rory] Color coordinated.
RORY: Shh!
DARREN: Guests of honor, why don't you sit over there.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Aw, family pictures. You have another girl, don't you?
MARIE: Yes, we do.
LORELAI: Well, where is she? What does she do?
DARREN: Oh, um. . .
MARIE: She's not here.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked.
DARREN: Oh, no no, it's all right. That's Carol. She's a year ahead of Rory. She's. . .
MARIE: She's following her own path.
DARREN: Right. Carol's doing her own thing.
LORELAI: Okay.
DARREN: Well, let's eat everybody. Honored guests, please choose from the chicken first.
RORY: Thank you very much.
DARREN: [to his kids] You two are gonna have to fight over the breast as you always do. So, Lorelai, what's your alma matter?
LORELAI: Well, I was too preoccupied to go to college, what with weighing a couple hundred pounds and having feet twice my normal size and all.
DARREN: I see.
RORY: But she took night classes and graduated last year. She has an AA degree in business.
MARIE: Well, that's wonderful.
DARREN: In fact, it's refreshing. It might even be to Rory's benefit. Good things didn't come to your family in one fell swoop, you struggled for it.
LORELAI: That's true.
DARREN: One fell swoop, interesting phrase.
JACK: Very.
DARREN: Origin?
JACK: It was coined in MacBeth and derives from Middle English.
DARREN: Very good, son. You know your Shakespeare then, do you?
JACK: More than most.
DARREN: In which play does Falstaff appear?
JACK: That would be plays.
DARREN: Mm.
JACK: Henry the Fourth, part one and two, and The Merry Wives of Windsor.
DARREN: So that was a different Falstaff than Henry the Fifth?
JACK: Aw, sh**t!
DARREN: This is a little tradition with us, quizzes at meals. It keeps the Springsteens sharp.
LORELAI: Very Kennedy-esque.
JENNIFER: Mm, we love the Kennedys!
LORELAI: As do we all.
DARREN: Now, the person questioned can challenge me with a follow-up if he gets his question right. Gets pretty competitive.
LORELAI: Well, if p*stol are drawn, we're ducking.
DARREN: Jack, which Polish composer
JACK: Chopin!
DARREN: Patience. . .became Prime Minister of his country?
JACK: Paderewski.
DARREN: That's right, but your impetuousness cost you a follow-up. Jennifer, can you give me the three sub-classes of the Mesozoic Era?
JENNIFER: Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous.
DARREN: Good.
JENNIFER: Follow-up what preceded the Mesozoic Era?
DARREN: Paleozoic.
LORELAI: He's good.
MARIE: It's hard to stump Darren.
JENNIFER: Impossible, he's brilliant.
DARREN: Open question which mythological figure has the head of a man, the body of a lion, and the tail of a scorpion? Here's a hint it's also the title of a novel by Robertson Davies.
RORY: Oh, Manticore.
DARREN: Very good, Rory.
JACK: Yes, very good, Rory.
JENNIFER: Yes, very good, Rory.
MARIE: More water, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Please, thank you.
DARREN: Do you know which French city famous for its water was the capital of collaborationist France?
LORELAI: Oh, me? Um, Evian, Perrier, uh, Le Crystal Geyser?
DARREN: Jennifer, you wanna help Lorelai out?
JENNIFER: Vichy.
DARREN: That's correct.
LORELAI: Oh, that's right. Vichy water, I knew that.
DARREN: What about the year of Germany's victory in the Franco-Prussian w*r?
LORELAI: Huh, me again?
DARREN: If you wish.
LORELAI: I don't know that one. I do know Instanbul is Constantinople, so if you've got a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Instanbul.
DARREN: That's true.
RORY: You know, um, sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to wash my hands.
DARREN: Our fault, we rushed you in here.
MARIE: Our downstairs is being remodeled, you have to use upstairs. End of the hall.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Hurry back.
RORY: I will. [leaves room]
LORELAI: So, that painting there, wow. The colors are so great, I can't stop staring at it. It's just beautiful.
DARREN: It is. It's by a student of Matisse. I think he caught the master's colors wonderfully.
LORELAI: Oh, Matisse, love him.
DARREN: I think only a charlatan wouldn't. Anyone know the artistic movement Matisse championed and referred to as the Wild Beast?
JENNIFER: Oh, fauvism!
DARREN: Correct.
JENNIFER: Follow up?
DARREN: And then we'll go round robin.
CUT TO UPSTAIRS
[Rory stops outside a bedroom when she hears music inside. A girl rushes past her and goes into the bedroom]
CAROL: Coming through!
RORY: Oh, sorry. I just heard music and . . . [follows her into the bedroom] Cool room.
CAROL: Tom Waits.
RORY: What?
CAROL: The music.
RORY: Oh, I thought so. I love him.
CAROL: I worship him. I even mildly stalked him once.
RORY: Really?
CAROL: Last year, I heard he was staying at this hotel so I went there everyday and sat in the lobby drinking massive amounts of coffee waiting for him to walk by.
RORY: Did you see him?
CAROL: Nope, never came down. For all I know, he's still there. Hand me that brush?
RORY: Oh, here.
CAROL: Stupid manager made me cover for Fiona today. That girl's a major pie crust. Ears?
RORY: What?
CAROL: On the chair. What time is it?
RORY: Um, three. [hands her a pair of bunny ears]
CAROL: Oh, totally late for my next job. Oh well, guess Grandma had to take another trip to the emergency room, right? Are they on straight?
RORY: I think so.
CAROL: Good. Who are you?
RORY: I'm sorry, I'm Rory Gilmore.
CAROL: You're one of the Harvard bound?
RORY: Yeah. At least, I hope so.
CAROL: [starts pulling on a bunny costume] Oh, trust me, you are. You've got that really good, straight, shiny Harvard hair. Zip me up?
RORY: I'm sorry, are you Carol?
CAROL: Yeah, why?
RORY: I don't know, I just didn't expect. . .
CAROL: What?
RORY: Well, you.
CAROL: Why?
RORY: I don't know. Your parents just made it sound like. . .
CAROL: Like I was holed up in the Chelsea with a needle sticking out of my arm screaming Sid at the top of my lungs?
RORY: Kind of.
CAROL: Well, to them, this is pretty close.
RORY: Can I ask you what exactly you are dressing up like this for?
CAROL: Morgan Tanner's fourth birthday party.
RORY: You're kidding.
CAROL: Nope, this is my fifth birthday party this week. Great tips, all cash, and of course, there's cake.
RORY: So you're a waitress and a birthday bunny and you go to school. That's pretty amazing.
CAROL: I don't go to school.
RORY: Oh, sorry, I just assumed. I mean, your family . . .
CAROL: My brother and sister got stuck on that conveyor belt. I, however, escaped somewhere around the eleventh grade, thank God.
RORY: Huh.
CAROL: Oh, hey, but no offense. I mean, that's just me. If you like being on the conveyor belt, then good for you.
RORY: I'm not on the conveyor belt.
CAROL: Okay.
RORY: I'm not. I want this. I've dreamt of going to Harvard since I was a little girl.
CAROL: Yeah, a lot of four year olds dream of that. It comes right after meeting Harry Potter.
RORY: Hey, I am not gonna justify myself to someone with a tail.
CAROL: You're right, I'm sorry. It's just that around here the Harvard brainwashing starts in the womb. If you were to tell either of my siblings that there was another life choice outside of the Ivy League, I think their khakis would wrinkle.
RORY: Well, maybe they really want it.
CAROL: Nope, my parents want it and they wanna please my parents. Have you seen a carrot?
RORY: Don't you wanna please your parents?
CAROL: Yeah, but not at the expense of finding myself.
RORY: Or your carrot.
CAROL: You gotta have your carrot. So, tell me something, Harvard hair how bad do you wanna please your parents?
RORY: My mom, and really bad, but it's not hard to please my mom. She's okay with anything I do. As long as I'm happy, she's good.
CAROL: You're sure?
RORY: I'm very sure.
CAROL: Then you're lucky.
RORY: Yeah, I am lucky.
[Lorelai walks into the room]
LORELAI: Oh, Rory, quick, uh, what are the three major Hindu deities, because I've missed four questions in a row and if I miss another one, I don't think I get dessert.
RORY: Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu.
LORELAI: Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu. Hi other daughter.
CAROL: Hi.
LORELAI: And I probably shouldn't do a gesundheit joke when I say Vishnu?
RORY: Good thinking.
LORELAI: Okay, thanks, bye. [leaves room]
RORY: Wait, I'll go with you. [to Carol] I'm glad to have met you.
CAROL: Oh, same here. Good luck with Harvard.
RORY: Thanks.
[Rory walks into the hallway and hugs Lorelai]
LORELAI: Oh. . . oh. What's that for?
RORY: For not putting me on the conveyor belt.
LORELAI: Yes, that was very big of me.
RORY: You don't know.
CUT TO OUTSIDE THE SPRINGSTEEN RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, and Darren walk out of the house]
RORY: Thank you so much for this, for answering all my dumb questions.
DARREN: You asked no dumb questions, and I hope my answers sufficed.
RORY: Definitely. Bye. [walks down the front walkway]
DARREN: Au revoir.
LORELAI: Yeah, thank you so much for everything. I know it did a world of good for her.
DARREN: She's a very impressive young lady.
LORELAI: I wholeheartedly concur.
DARREN: You molded her well.
LORELAI: Oh, no, I didn't mold her. Rory popped out that way.
DARREN: You're being modest.
LORELAI: You don't know me, do you?
DARREN: So long.
LORELAI: Bye.
[Darren goes back into the house as Lorelai walks over to Rory]
RORY: What did he say?
LORELAI: That you're Godlike.
RORY: Is that all?
LORELAI: Oh, and that his brother Bruce Springsteen would be happy to come and play at our next party or event.
RORY: That would be swell of Bruce.
LORELAI: I figured your graduation party.
RORY: I'll be very popular.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[That night, people are gathered at Miss Patty's studio for a town meeting]
TAYLOR: All in favor, say aye.
EVERYONE: Aye.
TAYLOR: All right, let the record show that the funds have been approved to close the town bank account that holds the town funds in order to open a new town funds bank account at a different banking institution.
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
TAYLOR: Young ladies, in anticipation of your tardiness, we saved two seats for you right there in the back.
LORELAI: Thanks for thinking of us, Taylor. [they walk up to sit in the front] Whew! Okay, raise your hand if you bathed in cologne.
TAYLOR: In the interest of getting home sometime tonight, I'd like to bring up the final point of business, and that is a certain citizen's desire to open an old fashioned soda shop in town.
LUKE: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
BABETTE: Who's the guy?
LUKE: What other putz would wanna open up an old-fashioned soda shop?
TAYLOR: Dispense with the Yiddish, young man.
LUKE: This is not a town matter, Taylor. This is a private matter between you and me which was settled when I said no.
TAYLOR: This is a town matter because when this town is in need of a particular business to provide necessary services, it's up to the town to band together and lure it.
LUKE: How does a stupid soda shop count as a necessary business?
TAYLOR: Allow me to show you something that will make you wonder how we ever lived without it. Kirk, if you will.
[Kirk pushes a covered table in front of the podium]
TAYLOR: Kirk, I told you to get something decorative to cover it.
KIRK: Well, my mom wouldn't let me use one of her nice tablecloths so I just grabbed a sheet from my hamper.
TAYLOR: Take it off.
[Kirk removes the sheet to reveal a miniature model of the proposed soda shop]
LUKE: What's that, a toy?
MISS PATTY: Oh, it's awfully cute.
TAYLOR: That is a professionally manufactured diorama of the proposed business.
RORY: Wow, there's little people and everything.
SOOKIE: They look so real.
JACKSON: Hey, it's me holding a tiny zucchini!
LORELAI: Look at the horse drawn carriage.
TAYLOR: My thought was to park it out front with the name of the business painted on the side. It's very eighteen-hundreds.
BABETTE: The horse is taller than the front door.
LORELAI: Way taller.
LUKE: What are you up to, Taylor? Are you breeding giant horses?
TAYLOR: It's slightly out of proportion.
BABETTE: Slightly? That little guy there could walk right under the horse without even ducking.
TAYLOR: You're missing the big picture here, townsfolk. Now, this wonderful business belongs in Stars Hollow whether Luke rents the space willingly or not.
LUKE: How would I not rent it willingly?
TAYLOR: I'm talking about eminent domain, my friend. Check the town's bylaws. If a three-fourths majority finds it necessary to use the space for a specific function, the landowner must concede.
LUKE: That's for taking over houses to turn into hospitals during a national emergency like the Civil w*r. If you wanna turn this place into a Civil w*r hospital, be my guest!
TAYLOR: Some would attest that the succor that my soda shop is going to offer is on the same level as the comfort that a hospital could provide.
LUKE: You're gonna need a hospital, Taylor!
LORELAI: h*t him!
RORY: Which one?
LORELAI: Either one, I'm easy.
TAYLOR: Come on, Luke. This shop is based on the original soda shop that was in town eighty years ago. Don't you see? You are preventing the town
LUKE: From moving backwards. Who here wants to do that?
LORELAI: [in high voice] We like ice cream.
LUKE: Oh, come on.
RORY: A nice burger from Luke's and an ice cream soda, yum!
LUKE: You want that thing?
LORELAI: With a cherry.
LUKE: With the striped awning and the giant horse?
[Lorelai and Rory nod]
LUKE: [to Taylor] Be ready to pay through the nose.
TAYLOR: We'll talk terms. We have our soda shop everybody! Meeting dismissed.
KIRK: Taylor, is it too soon to talk about management opportunities?
LORELAI: [to Luke] Hey, you get to be Taylor's landlord, that's kind of cool.
LUKE: Thanks for your lack of help.
LORELAI: Grump.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[As people file out of the town meeting, Lane walks up to Lorelai and Rory]
LANE: So, how was lunch with Harvard guy?
RORY: Great, he answered all my questions.
LORELAI: He makes a k*ller chicken, he sticks a lemon up its butt.
LANE: Nice.
RORY: And he gave me excellent tips on how to write my essay. We're very impressed with him.
LORELAI: He passes the test.
[a boy walks up to Lane]
DAVE: Excuse me, Lane?
LANE: That's me.
DAVE: Okay, great, I'm Dave Rygalski.
LANE: Right, hi. You're a guitarist.
DAVE: Yeah.
LANE: But how'd you know I was me?
DAVE: The d*ad Kennedys shirt was a tip off.
LANE: Good thinking. Hey, uh, isn't it a drag that Jello Biafra isn't singing for them anymore?
DAVE: Yeah, now their front-man's that kid from the Courtship of Eddie's Father.
LANE: Yeah, what's next Urkel joining the Wu-Tang Clan?
DAVE: Or maybe Malcolm in the Middle fronting for the Butthole Surfers.
LANE: Some things are sacred.
DAVE: I'm with ya on that.
LANE: So, um, what's your band like?
DAVE: We do a lot of cool covers uh, the Clash, the Kinks, et cetera. Statistically, it's like thirty-eight of the forty-three bands you listed.
LANE: Nice percentage.
DAVE: I can play you a song we demo'd a couple weeks ago using a drum machine.
LANE: Great. [he takes some audio equipment out of his bag] What's all this?
DAVE: Well, this is a headphone amp and it just boosts the volume and makes the clarity off the hook, and then these are Grado 125s, which is just really, k*ller, k*ller portable sound. I'm sort of an audio geek, sorry.
LANE: No, don't apologize, I love you. . .for that, for being that way. I love it. Um, I'm like that too.
DAVE: You wanna go over to the bench maybe and have a listen?
LANE: Yeah.
DAVE: Okay.
[they walk away]
RORY: I think a love song's in their future.
LORELAI: With lots of lyrics about snogging.
RORY: About what?
[Dean walks up behind them]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hey. [they kiss] You missed everything.
LORELAI: That's snogging.
RORY: Got it.
LORELAI: Bye. [walks away]
DEAN: So, any fireworks?
RORY: Well, there was a classic Luke/Taylor dispute, but it was resolved and will result in ice cream floats and twenty foot horses.
DEAN: Good deal. And what about your lunch?
RORY: Oh, it was great. I feel so much better about things now. The application's not freaking me out anymore.
DEAN: You look unfreaked.
RORY: Well, nothing can stop me now. It's full steam ahead.
DEAN: That's great. Can I ask you something?
RORY: Of course you can.
DEAN: What happens when you leave?
RORY: When I leave when?
DEAN: When you leave for Harvard. . .do we break up?
RORY: Whoa, that was blunt and out of nowhere.
DEAN: Well, it seems like we should be blunt right now.
RORY: No, we don't break up. Do you want that?
DEAN: No, but how will we see each other?
RORY: Easy, weekends that's what they were invented for.
DEAN: So you'll come home, do homework all weekend, then leave.
RORY: No, I can do my homework during the week or on the train coming home to see you, who I will spend my weekends with not doing homework. Plus, we can talk during the week on the phone constantly. Trust me, it'll feel like I never left.
DEAN: Oh yeah?
RORY: Christiane Amanpour spends half of her life standing in foxholes in third world countries, and she has a husband and a kid. And she was on C-SPAN last week getting some award, so if she and her husband can make it work, we can.
DEAN: So we'll have access to the CNN jet?
RORY: No. Or hey, you can go to college in Boston.
DEAN: I'm going to junior college.
RORY: Boston has junior colleges.
DEAN: But not dorm rooms.
RORY: Well, you can rent an apartment.
DEAN: With the money I get when I win the lottery? I mean, I think access to the CNN jet is more likely.
RORY: Why are you being like this? So. . .
DEAN: Realistic?
RORY: Come on, be serious.
DEAN: I am. I am.
RORY: That's too serious.
DEAN: Yeah, uh, you know, just forget it. Come on, we were gonna go to Luke's, right?
RORY: Yeah.
DEAN: Let's go to Luke's.
[they walk past Lane and Dave on the bench]
LANE: It's great, it really is.
DAVE: Okay, cool. Well, listen, then I'll talk to the guys, uh, and we'll get together and play next week.
LANE: Sure. Um, I've gotta get home.
DAVE: All right. Well, uh, it was good meeting you, Lane.
LANE: Same here.
[Lane takes off her d*ad Kennedys shirt; underneath is a shirt that says Trust God]
DAVE: Trust God is that a band?
LANE: No. My life.
[pan to Lorelai, Sookie, and Jackson]
SOOKIE: Oh, come on, you do not like modern art.
JACKSON: Oh, then I was mistaken, I guess I don't. I'm a mindless android, I have no opinions.
SOOKIE: Well, what kind do you like?
LORELAI: Yeah, do you like the kind that looks like someone hemorrhaged on a canvas?
JACKSON: Yes, I love hemorrhaging.
SOOKIE: Or the sculpture that looks like it was dropped and then glued back together?
JACKSON: Actually, the real love of my life is being mercilessly teased by the two of you for simply stating an opinion.
LORELAI: Oh, we're sorry.
SOOKIE: Yeah, we're sorry. Kisses!
JACKSON: Oh, in public, no less.
LORELAI: Hey, where's Rory? We need all the girls a-kissing ya.
JACKSON: Hey, that reminds me, what are you gonna do with Rory's room?
LORELAI: Her room, when?
JACKSON: When she's gone. Are you doing anything with it?
LORELAI: Well, I haven't thought about it.
JACKSON: Well, let me know. We can work something out.
LORELAI: You want her room?
SOOKIE: For what, your burgeoning modern art collection?
JACKSON: I'm talking about my tools.
SOOKIE: Oh, your tools, yeah.
LORELAI: What tools?
JACKSON: I have this collection of antique farming tools that my dad passed down to me.
SOOKIE: Pre-Revolutionary w*r. They're kind of valuable.
JACKSON: And I've got no place to put them. I've been looking for the right space.
LORELAI: In Rory's room?
SOOKIE: It's perfect!
LORELAI: But she's got all her stuff in it.
JACKSON: Not for long.
LORELAI: Yeah, right, not for long.
JACKSON: Just think about it.
LORELAI: Yeah, I will. I will.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[The phone is ringing]
LORELAI: No, no, not another band phone call!
RORY: We never gave Lane a cutoff time.
LORELAI: Let the machine get it. I cannot talk to another seventeen-year-old whose every other word is uh'.
RORY: Not even a word.
LORELAI: Exactly.
[They stand next to the phone and listen to the machine]
DARREN: [on answering machine] Hello, Gilmores! This is Darren Springsteen, how are ya? I just wanted to let you know that I just finished going over Rory's records here, and no shock, they're perfect. Rory, you are tailor-made for Harvard. They're lucky to have you. As far as I'm concerned, you should pack your bags. I'm gonna tell all this to the people in admissions and I'll give your headmaster a call as well, so take care and we'll talk again. Bye-bye. [hangs up]
LORELAI: That's fantastic, honey.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: You're in.
RORY: Well, not officially.
LORELAI: He said pack your bags.
RORY: Yeah, cool.
LORELAI: So what are you up to today? You have, uh, newspaper stuff to do, right?
RORY: Yeah, a ton, and you were going to catch up with some stuff at the inn?
LORELAI: Payroll. . . a lot of check signing to do.
RORY: Are people waiting for their checks?
LORELAI: Kind of.
RORY: Right. You know, um, the newspaper stuff can wait til Monday.
LORELAI: Really? Cause I can sign the checks tomorrow.
RORY: You sure?
LORELAI: Absolutely.
RORY: So what do you wanna do?
LORELAI: I don't know, what do you wanna do?
RORY: I don't know, let's just hang.
LORELAI: That sounds great.
CUT TO TOWN SQUARE
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the sidewalk past Luke's. Luke is arguing with Taylor about a sign he is hanging over the proposed soda shop that says "Future Home of Taylor's Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe"]
LUKE: You had to have ordered that sign weeks ago! You were that sure that I would cave in?
TAYLOR: Well, you did, didn't you? The right's too high.
LUKE: And when did it become Taylor's? It said Stars Hollow on the stupid model, and I don't like the extra P and E at the end of shop. Get rid of it!
TAYLOR: No.
LUKE: I'm your landlord, Taylor.
TAYLOR: And as a tenant, I have rights. Talk to my lawyer if you disagree.
LUKE: And how are you spelling rights, Taylor? With two E's and three S's?
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the street toward the gazebo]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x03 - Application Anxiety"} | foreverdreaming |
3.04 - One's Got Class and the Other One Dyes
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Steven Robman
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table]
LORELAI: So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
RORY: The other side of. . .
LORELAI: The other side.
RORY: With republicans?
LORELAI: No. Lately I've been having these dark premonitions.
RORY: Oh, about what?
[Luke brings their plates]
LUKE: d*ad cow, d*ad cow. [walks away]
LORELAI: That's weird.
RORY: He's always weird.
LORELAI: No, I mean, my premonitions have been about death, about my death.
RORY: I don't wanna hear this.
LORELAI: And the thing is, they're all silly.
RORY: What do you mean, silly?
LORELAI: In one, I slip on a banana peel and fall into a giant vat of whipped cream.
RORY: Silly and fattening.
LORELAI: In another, a turtle eats me.
RORY: A turtle, how?
LORELAI: Very slowly. There's lots of chewing.
RORY: And in your premonition, you didn't run away from what is perhaps the slowest land animal on the earth?
LORELAI: His first bite injects me with immobilizing poison.
RORY: Well, you left that part out.
LORELAI: Now, this last one's a little more gory. I'm out hunting
RORY: A favorite Lorelai Gilmore pastime.
LORELAI: And my g*n backfires and my whole face spins around a bunch of times and winds up in the back of my head like Daffy Duck.
RORY: That's the silliest one yet.
LORELAI: Now, if that's how I go, you gotta promise to move my face back to the front of my head like Daffy did with his beak.
RORY: I should be writing this down.
LORELAI: You can remember to move my face to the front of my head.
RORY: It depends on what I have going on that week.
[Lane walks into the diner]
LANE: Hello Stars Hollow, are you ready to rock?
LORELAI: Let me guess, band practice tonight?
LANE: Yes, we're going to learn our fourth song. That's practically a set.
[Lane sits down with them and takes a bite of Rory's burger]
LORELAI: Hm, I'm impressed.
LANE: And then once we have a set, we'll get a gig, and then once we get a gig, we'll get a record deal.
LORELAI: Swallow.
LANE: And then after we get a record deal, we'll get really famous and then we'll have to give all of these interviews about how horrible it is to be really famous and how we never wanted this in the first place, all we care about is the music, and fame is gonna tear us apart. It's gonna be great!
LORELAI: And rehearsing in the music shop's been working out?
LANE: Perfectly it's totally time efficient, being a thirty-second commute from my house. We practice for two hours, I'm home in time to watch reruns of Johnny Yune's talk show on Korean television with my mom, who thinks I hooked up with you guys which I did, so I'm not even lying.
LORELAI: Well, you're kinda lying.
LANE: I'm fibbing, but a fib is not a lie.
LORELAI: Hm, I'd say it's a fib-slash-lie.
LANE: No, no, it's not a lie, and I can always tell cause of the few times that I've out and out lied to my mother, I'd get this feeling in my gut like a wild animal was burrowing into it, and I'm not getting that.
LORELAI: Wild animals burrowing into my stomach another one of my premonitions.
RORY: Pretty spooky.
LANE: I've gotta go. I'm single-handedly improving the reputation of drummers everywhere by being on time for every rehearsal. [takes Rory's burger] Thanks for the food. [leaves]
[Rory takes Lorelai's burger]
LORELAI: Uh, excuse me.
RORY: Lane took mine.
LORELAI: Okay, this band thing is really not working out for me. Let's go. See ya, Luke.
LUKE: See ya.
[Lorelai and Rory walk to the door as Shane walks in]
LORELAI: Turn sideways!
[Shane rushes past them over to Jess at the counter]
LORELAI: That girl's a freak.
[Jess and Shane start kissing]
LUKE: Make a hole.
[Jess and Shane stop kissing long enough for Luke to walk past them]
[opening credits]
CUT TO THE MUSIC SHOP
[Lane and her band are practicing]
ZACH: [sings] London calling to the faraway towns, now that the w*r's declared and battle come down. London calling to the underworld, come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls. . .
DAVE: Whoa whoa whoa, can you guys hold it? It doesn't sound right.
LANE: It sounded good to me.
DAVE: No, it's wrong. Something's missing.
ZACH: Yeah, volume.
LANE: We can't play any louder, guys.
ZACH: We've got to.
LANE: But that's the agreement free practice space, but we have to play quietly.
DAVE: Just try and live with it, Zach.
ZACH: Dude, Brian's breathing is louder than the song.
BRIAN: I've got a deviated septum. All the women in my family and me have it.
ZACH: Well, it's throwing me off.
LANE: Hold your breath when we're playing, Brian. There, problem solved. Okay, come on, now, let's rock. One, two, three
ZACH: Wait. The bottom line here is that breathing should not be louder than a rock band. Am I right or am I right?
BRIAN: You're right.
ZACH: Rygalski?
DAVE: Well, it
ZACH: We need to crank it up.
LANE: Just listen harder, that'll make it sound louder.
DAVE: Can't we turn it up at all?
LANE: Well, maybe we could possibly turn the amps up from three to, say, three and a half, but that's it.
ZACH: Forget it.
DAVE: Zach, come on, we just got started.
ZACH: Dude, Lawrence Welk cranked louder than this. It's a waste of time.
LANE: Wait, Zach, no, you don't understand. We can't play louder. See, my mom has this special antenna that can pick up non-Christian music being played within a football field's distance of our house, and she'd immediately come looking for me in order to shield me from the perversion.
BRIAN: If Zach's going, I'm going.
LANE: Wait, no, Brian, I'm not exaggerating. Once, a guy in our town named Kirk was practicing Bohemian Rhapsody with his band, the Kirk Gleason Five, and my mom shut them down so fast that the band fled without their instruments and never came back for them. To this day, Kirk can't listen to Queen without tearing up.
BRIAN: Sorry.
ZACH: Having a free practice space was cool and all, but not like this.
BRIAN: We should just rent a space in Hartford.
LANE: Hartford, Connecticut?
ZACH: It's not that far.
LANE: Yeah, or maybe, how bout France? We could practice in France, too, or Iceland!
DAVE: Lane.
LANE: The moon's probably available, we could crank it way up on the moon!
DAVE: A word, please.
[Dave leads Lane outside onto the sidewalk]
LANE: Dave, talk to them. You're the leader, that's flat out insubordination going on in there! They show be flogged, heel-hogged, strung up from the highest yardarm!
DAVE: No, I can't.
LANE: Why?
DAVE: Because we're supposed to be a one-for-all band like the Clash or U2 it's a democracy.
LANE: Democracies are overrated. Now get in there and kick some butt.
DAVE: It's not how it works.
LANE: I'll fix Brian's deviated septum I'll ram one of my sticks up his nose!
DAVE: Lane, think about this, do you really believe this is working?
LANE: No, it's not working. We sound like a bunch of w*nk*r.
DAVE: We need a real practice space. We need to be able to really play. Wouldn't you like to actually be able to h*t both the cymbals?
LANE: Yeah.
DAVE: Okay, then, we need to do this.
LANE: I know, I just don't wanna leave the band.
DAVE: What? You can't leave the band. That's not what anybody wants, especially me. Lane, listen to me, okay you're perfect for us, it's working.
LANE: So I have to figure out a way to rehearse in Hartford two or three nights a week.
DAVE: Yeah, that's not so tough.
LANE: No, it's not so tough. And maybe at the same time I'll attempt to master quantum physics, and throw Sanskrit in there, too.
DAVE: Do your best. Not with the Sanskrit thing, that's pretty worthless but with the band.
LANE: I'll try.
DAVE: There's no way you're gonna become our Pete Best. There's no way.
LANE: You're sweet.
DAVE: We should get back in there.
LANE: Okay, um, I'll be in in a minute.
CUT TO LANE'S BEDROOM
[Lane is in her closet talking on the phone]
LANE: Wrack your brain. I mean, we've really gotta think here.
RORY: It's quite a pickle.
LANE: No, Rory, pickles are smaller. This is much bigger than a pickle.
[At Lorelai's house, Rory is in her bedroom on the phone]
RORY: Okay, let's stop saying the word pickle.
LANE: Fine.
RORY: Now, how many nights a week would you have to go to Hartford to practice?
LANE: Two, plus a weekend afternoon.
RORY: Okay, so that's three big blocks of time that you'd have to account for.
LANE: Very big blocks of time.
RORY: Plus, you have no car to transport your drums anywhere as of yet.
LANE: Or a driver's license.
RORY: Or any drums because you're borrowing them from the shop.
LANE: Temporarily until I can buy my own set with money that I don't know where I'm gonna get.
RORY: Yup, you're right that's more than a pickle.
LANE: You're making light now stop and focus. And turn down the Cornershop, it's distracting.
RORY: No, your Coltrane is distracting, turn that down.
LANE: Hey, I'm in angst here and Coltrane speaks to my soul. I can't turn it down.
RORY: Fine, in deference to your soul, I'll turn mine down. Hey, here's a crazy thought. How about you tell your mom the truth and insist that she lets you play with the band and rehearse in Stars Hollow loudly as long as your schoolwork doesn't suffer?
LANE: Oh, I'm sorry, was that a serious suggestion?
RORY: Hey, it's worth a sh*t.
LANE: No, you're thinking your mom, here, Rory. If I said that to mine, she'd start waving a crucifix at me.
RORY: If she says no, she says no, but right now you're out of options. We have another call, just think about it?
LANE: Okay, I will. And hey, you know I like Cornershop.
RORY: I know. Bye.
LANE: Bye.
[Rory answers the call waiting]
RORY: Hello?
DEBBIE: Hi, Rory?
RORY: Yes.
DEBBIE: This is Debbie Fincher Kathy's mom from Stars Hollow High.
RORY: Oh, hi Mrs. Fincher.
DEBBIE: Well, hi right back to you. You know, we miss you since you started that fancy school of yours. Is it fun?
RORY: It's hard but I like it.
DEBBIE: Oh well, super. Uh, listen, is your mom home?
RORY: Oh, sure, just a second. Say hi to Kathy for me.
DEBBIE: I will.
RORY: Hold on.
[Rory walks into the kitchen; Lorelai is sitting at the table]
RORY: Phone. It's Debbie Fincher.
LORELAI: Who?
RORY: From Stars Hollow High. Kathy Fincher's mom.
LORELAI: Oh, I remember Kathy.
RORY: You met Debbie many times, had many conversations with her at bake sales, school plays, the PTA.
LORELAI: Not ringing a bell.
RORY: I used to go swimming at her house all the time. You and Debbie had long chats when you dropped me off.
LORELAI: No. . .no.
RORY: Blonde hair, medium height, drove a Range Rover.
LORELAI: Does she also breathe and have toes?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Well, narrow it down to less than eight thousand possibilities.
RORY: I did with the swimming.
LORELAI: I remember the water.
RORY: Come on, blonde hair, medium height.
LORELAI: See, even you can't think of another way to describe her.
RORY: You have no memory of this woman?
LORELAI: All those Stars Hollow moms looked alike, except for Lane's mom and that one mom with the freaky glass eye that never moved.
RORY: Take the phone.
LORELAI: [on phone] Hi Debbie, how are you?
DEBBIE: Great, Lorelai, and yourself?
LORELAI: Just fine, thanks.
DEBBIE: The g*ng and I have missed you so much at school events. You were always such a kick.
LORELAI: Aw, well, I really miss you and the g*ng.
DEBBIE: Hey, listen, I have a proposition for you. The PTA likes to ask prominent locals in business if they could talk to the students about how they got to where they are you know, all the hard work it takes, success stories, you know. And we thought about you.
LORELAI: To suggest people I know who have success stories, or. . .
DEBBIE: No, silly, we'd like for you to address the class.
LORELAI: Me, really?
DEBBIE: Well, yes. You're a young woman and you run that beautiful inn, it's a huge responsibility, and you do it with such style.
LORELAI: Wow, well, that's really sweet. It's always nice to be well thought of.
Oh, Debbie, before we go any further, I'm dying to know how's Kathy? What's she up to?
DEBBIE: She is just terrific. She's applied to a couple schools in California, so she's really excited, although. . .
[Lorelai covers the mouthpiece of the phone and talks to Rory]
LORELAI: So she wants me to speak to some kids about my business success.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: That's great. What are you doing with the phone?
LORELAI: Oh, she's blabbing about her kid. We probably got another thirty seconds or so.
RORY: You're awful.
LORELAI: No, I'm a kick. Should I do it?
RORY: Yeah, toot your own horn, you little missy.
LORELAI: I'm a success, who'd have thought?
RORY: I suspected you had it in you.
LORELAI: From rags to riches. . .I wonder why Larry King hasn't called.
RORY: Mom, Debbie, please.
[Lorelai brings the phone back up to her ear]
DEBBIE: . . .so the internship will keep her local, which is a nice bonus for Bill and me, you know?
LORELAI: Oh, sure, yeah. Well, be sure to say hi to her and to Bill, and by the way, yes, I'd be happy to talk to the class.
DEBBIE: Terrific! Oh, the g*ng will be so thrilled. Now, there'll probably be a second speaker with you, do you mind?
LORELAI: Oh, that's fine, who's it gonna be?
DEBBIE: Uh, well, we've had some suggestions, but do you know anyone?
LORELAI: Well, you know, my friend the Sultan of Brunei is so hard to pin down.
DEBBIE: Ha-ha, there's that sense of humor. Well, we were considering Luke Danes, but he usually turns these things down.
LORELAI: I could talk to him if you'd like.
DEBBIE: That would be just terrific. The two of you together would be a kick.
LORELAI: Well, then, I'll just kick him til he agrees to do it, how does that sound?
DEBBIE: Okay, Thursday at four p.m., is that okay?
LORELAI: I'll be there, Deb.
DEBBIE: Oh, you rat! You rat!
LORELAI: What?
DEBBIE: You remembered how much I hate being called Deb.
LORELAI: I'm wicked.
DEBBIE: Well, thank you Lorelai, and I'll talk to you soon.
LORELAI: Okay, bye. [hangs up] Huh. She hates being called Deb.
RORY: I'll make a mental note. [pinches Lorelai's cheeks]
LORELAI: Ow, ow, ow!
RORY: I'm so proud of my little success!
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Lane walks down the steps. She starts to walk toward her mother in the kitchen, then walks back to the steps and starts talking to herself]
LANE: Stop it, don't run, just walk in there and tell her what you want. After all, she's your mother and she wants you to be happy . . .on some level, I think. Maybe not. What are you doing? Do not back off. Just move. Come on, move. Move your foot, move your foot, one foot. Lane, move your foot, right.
[her mother comes up behind her]
MRS. KIM: Lane!
LANE: Yeah?
MRS. KIM: Come with me.
LANE: Okay.
[They walk to the kitchen.]
MRS. KIM: Sit, sit. You want tea?
LANE: Mama, I wanna
MRS. KIM: Sit.
LANE: Sorry. I wanted to talk to you about something, um, an idea I had. . have, for me to do something that would be very beneficial to me, and you by extension because well, if one person is happy, then the other person is happy, and so I had an idea that, of how I could be and then you could be and then we would be and. . .tea would be good.
MRS. KIM: Here, I want you to fill these out. [hands her a stack of papers]
LANE: What are these?
MRS. KIM: College applications.
LANE: What?
MRS. KIM: Don't worry. Every one in this pile approved by me and Reverend Melmin.
LANE: I haven't heard of one of these schools.
MRS. KIM: They're all good religious programs, and I've already thrown out the ones that let boys and girls sit in the cafeteria together, the party schools.
LANE: Oh, great.
MRS. KIM: I will help you fill them out and we'll mail them on the way to choir practice, okay?
LANE: Yes, Mama.
MRS. KIM: Good. Now, if you meet Jesus walking on the street, what are the three questions you would like to ask? Ah.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai is at the front desk organizing some index cards]
MICHEL: Hm, your speech for that class?
LORELAI: Just some talking points.
MICHEL: And this speech is about your success in business, yes?
LORELAI: Pretty much.
MICHEL: You must be very fortunate to live in this tiny town where people make very little money. It elevates you by comparison.
LORELAI: Mmhmm.
MICHEL: I wonder who their last speaker was -- the fellow in short pants that walks up and down the square with a metal detector?
LORELAI: Hm, I wouldn't know.
MICHEL: And if they find someone who drives a car that is less than eight years old, what will they do crown him king of successful people?
LORELAI: Unless it's a woman, and then they'll crown her queen.
MICHEL: Mm, and if they are
[phone rings]
LORELAI: Go away. [answers phone] Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.
LUKE: I'm backing out.
LORELAI: Too late, sorry.
LUKE: I'm not speaking to that stupid class.
LORELAI: But you agreed.
LUKE: I'm out, case closed, no debating.
LORELAI: Great, fine, do what you want. I guess I'm just out the thousand-dollar deposit.
LUKE: What deposit?
LORELAI: For the room.
LUKE: What room?
LORELAI: For the thing, for the afterwards thing. . .
LUKE: Oh, wait, now, you're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me, aren't you?
LORELAI: Aren't you?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Who?
LUKE: Stop.
LORELAI: Bye.
LUKE: Uh, hold on a sec! I agreed to this under coercion.
LORELAI: You said yes on your own.
LUKE: I said yes because when I said no you talked baby talk loudly in front of all my customers until I got so sick of it I just agreed to do it to shut you up.
LORELAI: I'm incorrigible!
LUKE: It's not a binding agreement, it's coercion.
LORELAI: Well, you gave in just in time because, uh, I was about to transition out of baby talk and into my Louis Armstrong voice, and that, my friend, is a whole lot worse than baby talk.
LUKE: I hate that building.
LORELAI: What, the school?
LUKE: Three years of going there, I have no good memories.
LORELAI: You must have some.
LUKE: None. Kids were as dumb then as they are now.
LORELAI: I think you'll enjoy this.
LUKE: Think about going back to your high school to give a talk. How would that feel?
LORELAI: Okay, not all your points are bad, but it's not my school, it's your school, and if you cancel, this whole town will know and when you walk down the street people will point and whisper, There goes that Luke, he's a real talk-canceler guy.'
LUKE: Ouch.
LORELAI: Plus, I promised the PTA, so my fragile reputation is on the line.
LUKE: I think you'll live.
LORELAI: Oh, Luke.
LUKE: No!
LORELAI: [in Louis Armstrong voice] Hello, Dolly!
LUKE: Stop that.
LORELAI: [in Louis Armstrong voice] This is Louis, Dolly!
LUKE: I'll just hang up.
LORELAI: [in Louis Armstrong voice] I'll be coming round the diner singing soooooooongs.
LUKE: Have you been diagnosed?
LORELAI: See you tomorrow at four.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Rory and Lane are walking down the street]
LANE: Oh, it was a fine collection, believe me.
RORY: She made you apply to every one?
LANE: And measured my head for a wimple.
RORY: Out of twenty-three schools, there wasn't one that you might want to go to?
LANE: It depends on what I'm looking for. Of course, all the great Seventh Day Adventist schools were represented, with their ban on dancing, gum chewing and bowling. Quaker College was a delightful surprise, with its special appeal to Richard Nixon, who's d*ad but still deeply involved in campus recruiting. Oh, and the piece de resistance! She found an Amish school in Nicaragua. Nicaragua! A big shout out to Mama Kim on that one!
RORY: Look, Mama Kim always starts out super serious on everything but then lightens with time.
LANE: But I don't have time. Schools that I like will fill up and my band, my beloved band, will find another drummer, and if it's a girl I'm gonna be twice as mad.
RORY: Look, Lane, just try to calm down.
LANE: No, calm is for losers. I've spent my whole life compromising and being the good little girl and not doing what I want. Or doing what I want and hiding it and feeling guilty for doing it, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. I mean, I even lost my first boyfriend because of all this.
RORY: What boyfriend?
LANE: Henry.
RORY: Oh, right, Henry.
LANE: See, that's how pathetic my life is. I'm calling a boyfriend a guy that I never even went out on a date with, and that my own best friend doesn't even remember, which is not your fault because there's nothing to remember.
RORY: Okay, so besides power walking, what are you gonna do about it?
LANE: Take a stand!
RORY: What kind of stand? [Lane walks into the beauty supply store] Lane!
[Rory follows her inside]
CUT TO INSIDE BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE
RORY: Lane.
LANE: Follow my anger.
RORY: What are you doing?
LANE: Choosing a color.
RORY: You're gonna dye your hair?
LANE: Yes, I am. Lots of choices here. Help me narrow it down.
RORY: You can't do this.
LANE: Of course I can.
RORY: And what, walk around in a hood all the time? How are you gonna hide this from your mom?
LANE: I'm not gonna hide it, that's the point.
RORY: Lane, think about this for a second, at least.
LANE: Rory, I've been thinking about this my whole life. Nothing's gonna change unless I change it, and now's the time. I need to make a clear statement, one I can't go back on or chicken out on, one that everyone can see. And this is my instrument, it says This is me, this is Lane Kim.' [holds up a container of dye]
RORY: That is you, it's black hair dye.
LANE: This is merely a prop until we find my true color. Now, what do you think? Pink? Or is that too Pink the singer and Kelly Osbourne and Gwen Stefani. . .man, there's a lot of cheese associated with the color pink. Okay, pink's out. There. . .there's blue what about blue?
RORY: Blue's probably not right for your skin tone, and I agree with you about pink. What about purple?
LANE: Yes, purple, you're brilliant.
RORY: And bleach, don't forget the bleach.
LANE: Bleach, right, okay, I'll get the bleach. Thank you.
[Rory walks to the checkout counter]
RORY: And make sure that you get some. . . gloves.
[Rory is surprised when she sees that Shane is the cashier. Lane walks to the counter with a pile of supplies]
LANE: Got them.
RORY: Good, good.
LANE: You all right?
RORY: Yeah, fine, let's go.
LANE: It's a good day today, isn't it?
SHANE: Mmhmm. Twelve fifty-two.
LANE: And I've got exact change for you.
SHANE: Super. [sees Rory staring at her] You need something?
RORY: No. No, I just, um. . . I was wondering if there's a money-back guarantee. You know, in case her hair falls out or something.
SHANE: Um, sure. If your hair falls out, we'll give you your money back.
RORY: Good. You heard that. The second you go bald, you can come get your money back.
LANE: Rory, you're putting a damper on my Independence Day.
RORY: Sorry, let's go.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[The next day, Lorelai walks into Luke's]
LORELAI: Lucas, la escuela!
LUKE: Hey.
LORELAI: Hey. Did you lose track of time?
LUKE: What? Why?
LORELAI: It's four o'clock.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: We were supposed to be at the school, like, now.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: But you're not ready.
LUKE: What? Oh, right, right, sorry. [removes apron] Okay, I'm ready.
LORELAI: Au contraire.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: You are so not ready.
LUKE: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: The grunge look is out.
LUKE: Hey, I'm not dressing up for this.
LORELAI: Well, you need something better than that.
LUKE: The whole point of this stupid class talk was for us to talk about our work and our success. This flannel shirt is my most successful outfit. I've closed many a deal in this outfit. It's my power outfit.
LORELAI: Come on.
[Lorelai grabs his shirt collar and pulls him upstairs]
LUKE: Hey, hey, hey, hey, let go, let go, hey, you're pinching me!
LORELAI: Go!
[cut to upstairs hallway]
LUKE: I don't wanna change.
LORELAI: Be a good boy and I'll buy you a toy afterward. You wanna toy?
[cut to inside Luke's apartment; Lorelai and Luke walk in, Jess is inside]
LORELAI: Sorry to barge in.
JESS: No problem. What was that about a toy?
LORELAI: Your Uncle Luke is getting one if he's a good boy.
LUKE: Can we make this more demeaning? Hey, why don't you go downstairs and help out Caesar?
JESS: I think my education comes first, don't you?
[Lorelai pulls a shirt out of Luke's closet]
LORELAI: Oh my God.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Jimmy Buffett?
LUKE: Put that back.
LORELAI: You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.
LUKE: I've just been to a few shows, that's all.
LORELAI: A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.
LUKE: Is that the one you want me to wear or not?
LORELAI: Sing Margaritaville.
LUKE: No.
JESS: That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.
LUKE: Stay outta this!
[Lorelai pulls another shirt from the closet]
LORELAI: We've got ourselves a winner.
LUKE: Fine, fine, come on. [takes the shirt and walks toward the bathroom]
LORELAI: Just change in here.
LUKE: I'll be more comfortable in here. [goes into bathroom]
LORELAI: I've seen you swimming at the lake so I've seen you with your shirt off.
JESS: Lately? Cause he's really let himself go.
LUKE: [from bathroom] I'll be one second.
LORELAI: Lose the baseball cap, too.
JESS: You run the risk of his head falling off without it.
LORELAI: I think he'll be okay.
[Lorelai looks at Jess' closet curiously]
JESS: Something wrong?
LORELAI: Uh, no. . .no, I just. . .no.
[Luke walks out of the bathroom]
LUKE: Happy?
LORELAI: Thrilled. Now a tie with that would be just great.
LUKE: We're leaving. And it's gotta be something I don't have to put together.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: My toy.
LORELAI: Got it.
JESS: Talk good.
[Luke and Lorelai walk out of the apartment]
[cut to hallway]
LORELAI: Wow, we're late. Oh, by the way, Jess had a girl in the closet.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Come on, pip pip!
LUKE: Who? What was that? Lorelai? What about the closet?CUT TO LANE'S HOUSE
[Lane and Rory are in the bathroom preparing to bleach Lane's hair]
LANE: Okay, combs, rags, instructions, timer, towels, tunes.
RORY: All systems a go.
LANE: So far, so good.
RORY: Now, are you sure about this?
LANE: Will you stop?
RORY: I'm just making sure.
LANE: I'll sign a waiver if you want. h*t play please.
RORY: We should open a window, shouldn't we?
LANE: It's freezing outside.
RORY: Yeah, but the bleach is gonna stink up the whole house.
LANE: Let it. Let it be the first clue that something's happened for when my mom gets home. Let the thick smell of bleach meet her at the doorway like a force that'll usher her into the next chapter of Lane Kim's life. The smell of bleach is the smell of freedom!
RORY: You're very dramatic today.
LANE: To hell with the floor! Oh, that felt good to say.
RORY: You done?
LANE: I'm done.
RORY: Take your seat, please. [Lane sits] And here we go. [Rory starts applying the bleach] How you doing?
LANE: Fine.
RORY: Feeling good?
LANE: Feeling great. This is such a catharsis. I have never felt so naturally high in my life. Stings a little, though.
RORY: Yeah, that happens.
LANE: But just a little, no biggie. More than a little actually, it's kind of a big little.
RORY: Just keep me posted.
LANE: In that case, it's kind of a lot. Yup, yup, a lot of sting happening here.
RORY: Try thinking about something else. God, this smells awful.
LANE: Okay, thinking about something else, something else. Thinking about puppy dogs. Thinking about getting things in the mail. I love getting things in the mail, letters and packages.
RORY: Got a package.
LANE: What's that?
RORY: Oh, Jim Carrey says that in Ace Ventura.
LANE: Good distraction. Still thinking. . .thinking about world events, lots going on there. Thinking about the last movie I saw. Vin Diesel was in it. Thinking about Vin Diesel now. Thinking about where Vin Diesel got the name Vin Diesel. Thinking about Vin Diesel's mysterious ethnicity. Thinking about how surprising it is to have so much to think about with Vin Diesel. Who knew, who knew? Okay, now I'm just thinking about the pain, we're into pain here.
RORY: Back to Vin Diesel.
LANE: I've exhausted Vin Diesel, but the pain that's not exhausted!
RORY: What kind of pain is it?
LANE: Ever light your head on f*re? I haven't, but I don't have to now cause I know how it feels.
RORY: I'll rinse it out.
LANE: No, we'd have to start all over again and now that I know how much pain there is, I'll chicken out for sure!
RORY: I'm getting dizzy from the smell.
LANE: Let's focus on my pain. Now read the bottle, tell me what to do in case of pain.
RORY: Um, blah blah blah, do not apply to a broken scalp is your scalp broken?
LANE: I don't know, maybe. I don't know my scalp that well.
RORY: There's nothing else about pain. Oh, a girl told me once that if your scalp is hurting from bleach, drink a 7UP. It's something to do with the bubbles.
LANE: The Kim household does not have soft drinks.
RORY: Well, what do you got?
LANE: Something called Salad Water imported from Korea. Believe me, it's nothing like 7UP.
RORY: Oh my God, we have to open this window.
LANE: Okay, I have got to do something!
RORY: Run around the block!
LANE: Why?
RORY: I don't know!
LANE: Good enough for me!
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH
[Lorelai, Luke, and Debbie are walking down the hallway]
DEBBIE: It's so good of you both to do this, really.
LORELAI: Oh, we're happy to be here, right?
LUKE: Yup, zippity doo dah.
DEBBIE: Oh, Luke, it must be fun to be back at your old alma mater, huh?
LUKE: Oh yeah, I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy here.
LORELAI: Don't let him fool you. He told me he was so excited about today, he couldn't sleep last night.
DEBBIE: Oh, we're all excited, too. It's been so long since we saw you, Lorelai. We had some laughs with this one, let me tell you.
LUKE: Oh yeah, she's a funny one.
DEBBIE: The book fair of 97. . .what you said to that one rude customer uh! Priceless how you put him in his place.
LORELAI: Yeah, I put that man in his place, all right, zing!
DEBBIE: Oh oh oh, what you said to him! How could anyone forget?
LORELAI: Huh, yeah.
DEBBIE: Hey, Old Man. . .
LORELAI: . . .old man. . .
DEBBIE: Stick a crowbar -
LORELAI: . . .crowbar. . .
DEBBIE: - in your wallet -
LORELAI: . . . in his wallet. . .
DEBBIE: - and cough up some dough -
LORELAI: . . .dough. . .
DEBBIE: - cause this is for our kids!
LORELAI: . . .our kids! Ha ha!
DEBBIE: You do remember!
LORELAI: What, it's emblazoned up here Debbie, all those good times.
DEBBIE: Definitely. Now everyone's gathered. The vice-principal will finish up in a second and then we'll call you in. Lorelai, you wanna go first?
LORELAI: Yeah, sure. Is that okay?
LUKE: It's okay by me.
DEBBIE: Great. See you in a minute. [walks away]
LORELAI: I couldn't pick that woman out of a lineup if my life depended on it.
[While Luke walks over to a chair and sits down, Lorelai looks out the door of the school and sees Lane running through the street with bleach on her head. Lorelai walks over to Luke.]
LORELAI: Will you lighten up?
LUKE: No, I won't lighten up.
LORELAI: Aw.
LUKE: I hate this place. Still smells the same old, repressive.
[Lorelai sits down next to him and pulls her notecards out of her pocket]
LORELAI: Being back here doesn't make you nostalgic at all?
LUKE: I liked the final bell, that's about it. What are those?
LORELAI: They're, uh, my notes for the talk.
LUKE: You put thought into this?
LORELAI: Yeah, don't you have notes?
LUKE: I run a diner, what are my notes? I open the door, people come in, they order food, I cook the food, I serve the food, they eat the food. Then there's a terrific action sequence where I refill coffee and water. And oh, my big finale is a description of the whole end of the evening mopping up ceremony.
LORELAI: Hey, you're sure you don't mind me going first?
LUKE: Are you kidding? There's a good chance you'll yack so much they won't even get to me.
[Lorelai looks inside a display case]
LORELAI: Oh my God.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Nothing, nothing at all, Butch.
[Luke walks over to her. His high school picture is hanging in the display case with the caption "State High Hurdles Champion 1985 - Butch Danes"]
LUKE: For the love of. . .what's that doing there?
LORELAI: What's it doing? It's yelling, Mock me, mock me!'
LUKE: It shouldn't be there.
LORELAI: Oh no, you're right. It should have its own special display at the diner with a big old spotlight on it.
LUKE: Don't they need my permission for this? This should be illegal.
LORELAI: No, those shorts with that t*nk top should be illegal.
LUKE: Okay, stop now.
LORELAI: What was your girlfriend's name, Sissy?
LUKE: As a matter of fact, no.
LORELAI: Oh, the girls just swooned when Butch Danes took the field.
LUKE: I knew there was another good reason not to do this.
LORELAI: Oh no, don't walk away, Butch. Well, if I thought you didn't care, I'd die, oh, I'd just die.
CUT TO LANE'S HOUSE
[Rory and Lane are in the bathroom. Lane's hair is blond.]
LANE: It's weird.
RORY: Like straw.
LANE: I feel like I should be singing If I Only Had a Brain.'
RORY: Now, you feel better? Burning's completely gone?
LANE: Completely. I even think the Salad Water's helping.
RORY: Okay, here goes nothing. [starts applying the purple dye] So have you mentioned dyeing your hair to the band yet?
LANE: No, but they'll be cool with it. They've all got tattoos. Dave and Zach have musical themes and Brian's got Snoopy.
RORY: Poor guy.
LANE: Yeah, but he's a slamming bass player.
RORY: So you haven't even mentioned it to Dave?
LANE: I just said I didn't tell the band.
RORY: Not even Dave?
LANE: No, not even to Dave. And what's with all the pressing?
RORY: I don't know, Dave's just different from the other two.
LANE: Of course, he's the defacto leader.
RORY: I know, but it also seemed like from the day you guys met there was a little something happening there.
LANE: I don't know what you're talking about.
RORY: You're always talking about him. You always seem to be thinking about him. And now with this hair emancipation of yours, you're going to unheard of lengths to make a statement to your mother about who you are so you can have a sh*t at staying in the band all roads lead to Dave.
LANE: Rory, Dave and I are professionals.
RORY: I know.
LANE: Plus, the rock and roll highway is littered with casualties of band members who have dated and broken the band apart.
RORY: That's a sensible attitude.
LANE: Very sensible, very sensible. Dave and I are very sensible people. I'm in love with him.
RORY: I know.
LANE: Is it that obvious?
RORY: Only to a guy with sunglasses and a dog selling pencils.
LANE: He's so cute.
RORY: Definitely cute.
LANE: And smart you know, that's such a rare package. It's usually one or the other.
RORY: It's wrong, but that's the way it usually is.
LANE: It just increases the amount of competition for the Daves of the world.
RORY: You're rare, too, don't forget.
LANE: I've never really felt this way before. I mean, Henry yes, but we never spent any real time together. It's not just puppy love, you know, it's different. I mean, I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about him, and when I call him to work out times for band practice, the ring of his telephone gets me really excited. And last week, someone said Dave at school it wasn't even about my Dave, and I almost lost it, I got so shaky.
RORY: My Dave that's so cute.
LANE: Stop it.
RORY: This sounds like love to me.
LANE: It does, doesn't it? My first love, wow.
RORY: Yeah, wow.
LANE: I finally have a first love, like what you and Dean have.
RORY: Right. . . exactly.
LANE: Of course, I don't exactly have what you and Dean have because you love Dean and Dean loves you back. In my situation, I love Dave and Dave thinks that I have a decent sense of rhythm.
RORY: Don't move, you'll drip.
LANE: God, you're so lucky to love a guy who actually knows you love him and who loves you back. That's gotta be the best feeling ever.
RORY: I think this purple's gonna look good.
LANE: I want that. I want that really bad.
RORY: You'll have that. You will have your perfect first love and second love and any other love you want because you're great and purple heads will not be denied.
LANE: Now that should've been put on the box.
RORY: Okay, now, head down please.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH
[Lorelai and Luke are waiting in the hallway. Debbie comes out of the classroom]
DEBBIE: Okay, we're all ready for you guys.
LORELAI: Great, excellent.
[they walk into the classroom]
DEBBIE: Okay, uh, Luke, you can have a seat here while Lorelai's talking, okay?
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: [points to desk] Hey, what's that? Luke plus Sissy.
LUKE: Start your speech.
DEBBIE: Okay, everyone, we're ready to begin. We have two local luminaries here to talk to us today. You probably all recognize Luke Danes from his fabulous diner, but we're really excited to begin with a former Stars Hollow High mom, Lorelai Gilmore.
[applause]
LORELAI: No, no, save it for when I wow you with my brilliance. I'm really happy to be here with you all today. I recognize a lot of you from over the years and you're all getting taller and older stop it. Anyhow, as some of you know, I run the Independence Inn. Sounds simple, running an inn. Well, the sentence is simple, the job is not. Like most jobs, mine involves many other people, people it is my job to hire, to train, and to inspire because when you have good employees it makes you look good. Oh, questions already are questions okay?
DEBBIE: They're encouraged.
LORELAI: Yes?
GIRL 1: You're Rory Gilmore's mom, aren't you?
LORELAI: Yes I am, and proud of it.
GIRL 1: Oh.
LORELAI: Oh, is that it? Well, I hope all your questions are that easy. Okay, now, why is it necessary to inspire employees? Why can't you just train them and let them do their jobs? Well. . .yes?
GIRL 2: Didn't you get pregnant when you were sixteen?
LORELAI: Um, sixteen. . .it was around that age. Sixteen, that sounds right. Okay. Different people working for you will have different needs. . .yeah?
BOY: Well, what about school?
LORELAI: School? I'm sorry.
BOY: Did you drop out when you got pregnant with Rory?
LORELAI: No, technically, I didn't drop out. I, uh, I kept going as long as I could while I got pregnant, which I would recommend to any girl. Not the getting pregnant part, obviously. Um, although, uh, if that happens, um, you know. . . it shouldn't. I mean, it could but you should try to avoid it. . . um, anyway, uh, I got my GED, yeah.
DEBBIE: Lorelai, why don't we move this along?
LORELAI: Yes, oh, moving it along, moving it along. Okay, okay, okay. Boy, I should've been more organized here.
GIRL 1: Well, are you sorry you got pregnant?
LORELAI: No, it brought me Rory, but timing is everything. I mean, I could've. . .sixteen, you guys are sixteen, right . . .and hey, is that clock right?
GIRL 3: What do you mean by timing?
GIRL 1: Yeah, if you had waited and had a baby with another man at a different time. . .
GIRL 4: It wouldn't have been Rory, right?
LORELAI: Hey, you know what's fun to talk about? Late checkout.
GIRL 2: But it was good you got pregnant when you did because you got Rory.
LORELAI: Look, you guys, this is a very important subject, and I promise that another time I would love to take you all for a cup of coffee and, and talk about . . .if you should even be allowed to drink coffee because coffee is for older. . . [sighs] . . .Butch Danes, everybody.
CUT TO LANE'S HOUSE
[Rory is standing in the hallway; Lane laughs excitedly from inside the bathroom]
RORY: What?
LANE: It's perfect, I love it.
RORY: Well, stop primping and get out here. [Lane opens the door and reveals her purple hair] Whoa.
LANE: It's everything I hoped it would be.
RORY: It's very rock and roll.
LANE: We've gotta take a picture.
RORY: Get the camera.
LANE: I am a Kodak picture spot.
[they run to Lane's bedroom]
LANE: Should I scowl or smile?
RORY: Surprise me.
LANE: This is the most radical thing a Kim has done since my cousin Nam got caught reading Maxim at summer camp.
[Rory takes Lane's picture, then they hear the front door open]
RORY: That must be your mom. Lane? Lane, you're turning white. What's wrong? Lane!
LANE: I can't do this.
RORY: Can't do what?
LANE: Dye my hair.
RORY: Um, it's kinda too late.
LANE: This is gonna k*ll her.
RORY: It won't k*ll her, it'll just shock her.
LANE: But the shock will k*ll her and then she'll k*ll me, we're talking bloodbath here. We've gotta put it back.
RORY: Put it back?
LANE: Back to black, right now, hurry! Go, go!
RORY: Go where?
LANE: Back to the store to get the black hair dye.
RORY: No!
LANE: Yes!
RORY: No!
LANE: Yes!
RORY: This is insane.
LANE: Rory, I just drank a gallon of liquid salad. Insanity is a daily staple at the Kim house. Go, go!
RORY: Okay, I'm going. [walks to the door]
LANE: Where are you going?
RORY: You're messing with my mind here.
LANE: You can't go out that way, my mom will see you.
RORY: My head is my normal color, she can see me.
LANE: But if she sees you, she'll come looking for me. [points to the window]
RORY: You owe me.
LANE: Big time forever. Now make like the wind. Go go, go go go go!
CUT TO BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE
[Rory shops for the hair dye as Shane talks on the phone at the counter]
SHANE: [on phone] Uh huh. . .All I know is I don't have it, so it's gotta be at your place. . .You're not looking for it, you're watching TV, I can tell. . .Yeah, whatever. I'll just get a new one. So, what are we doing tonight? . . . I don't know, I'm sick of eating. I've been eating like a pig, I feel all bloaty. . . It is so a word, it's a word cause I said it. That's how words get invented, cause people say them and then other people say them. . . You're such a jerk sometimes and I'm always nice to you. . .
[Rory is waiting at the counter for Shane to help her]
RORY: Excuse me?
SHANE: [on phone] I get off at the same boring time.
RORY: Excuse me?
SHANE: Yeah?
RORY: I don't have all day.
SHANE: [on phone] Hold on a sec. [to Rory] Will this be all?
RORY: Yeah, that'll be all. I'm growing a beard here.
SHANE: What's your problem?
RORY: What's your problem? I'm a customer, I'm in a hurry, and you're supposed to assist me.
SHANE: I am assisting you.
RORY: Yeah, after you took your sweet time getting off the phone, which by the way, clearly was not a business call.
SHANE: Un-freaking-believable.
RORY: Yeah, it is, it is. The level of service in this place is just that un-freaking-believable.
SHANE: Have a nice day.
RORY: Yeah, thanks, you too. And by the way, bloaty is not a word. There's bloated, there's bloating, but no bloaty.
SHANE: Thanks, that's fascinating.
RORY: Well, for you, how ice is made is probably fascinating. See ya.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Luke are walking down the street. Luke is laughing]
LORELAI: Don't.
LUKE: I'm trying not to, I swear. [laughs] I'm not trying hard, I'll grant you that.
LORELAI: What was with those kids? So curious, so full of questions. Shouldn't their brains be completely fried on TV and video games by now?
[Luke laughs again]
LORELAI: It wasn't funny.
LUKE: Not from your angle. From mine, it was an evening at the Improv.
LORELAI: I'm not gonna be allowed within a mile of the school ever again.
LUKE: On the positive side, you did me a favor. Now I have a pleasant memory from that school you being nailed like a two by four by a group of sixteen-year-olds.
[Lorelai sees Debbie and a group of women walking toward them]
LORELAI: Oh no, what's this?
LUKE: Looks like high noon in Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: They're not carrying tar and feathers, are they?
[the women walk up to them]
LORELAI: Oh, hi everybody. Wow, the whole g*ng. What's up?
DEBBIE: Well, I felt obligated to tell the other moms about your little performance at school before they heard about it elsewhere.
LORELAI: Really, cause usually I like to meet up at Sardi's after a performance, wait for the reviews. I hope The Times liked me. Nothing, huh?
LADY 1: So, you're preaching to our daughters that it's okay to get pregnant at sixteen, am I getting that right?
LORELAI: No, not at all, I was just answering their questions.
LADY 1: Well, it's your answers we didn't like.
LORELAI: Hey, I was talking about my job like I was supposed to, but your kids kept asking about my pregnancy. What was I supposed to do?
DEBBIE: Fend them off, change the subject!
LORELAI: I tried, Debbie, but they kept coming at me like I was Poland and they were n*zi. Remember the old days, girls, when I used to make you laugh?
LADY 2: There's nothing funny about this.
LORELAI: Their questions just threw me off, that's all.
LADY 1: Sounds like you just flaunted your mistakes.
LORELAI: Now, hold on. You have no right to judge me. All I said was that for my particular circumstances things worked out okay. I advocated nothing to them. You're all acting like I walked into that room tossing condoms in the air.
LADY 2: You might as well have.
LORELAI: Fine, next time I will. I'll bring a banana and we'll have a little show and tell. How bout that?
LADY 1: What kind of mother are you?
LORELAI: The kind that doesn't gloss over things just because they're a little uncomfortable.
DEBBIE: This whole incident was awkward and unnecessary.
LORELAI: No, Deb, I'd say, Deb, that what's awkward and unnecessary, Deb, is that you all seem to go to the same lousy hairdresser. How bout mixing it up a little, huh, girls?
LUKE: I gotta get going. You good here?
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
DEBBIE: You don't have to take that tone.
LORELAI: You ambush me, then you're offended by my tone?
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Jess is looking out the window as Luke walks in]
LUKE: Hey.
JESS: Hey. So what's going on out there?
LUKE: Ah, just Lorelai. . .dealing with some women about something or other. So we did that thing at the school today. [Luke looks behind a chair] Yeah, it went pretty well. All the kids seemed relatively unarmed. [he looks into the closet] Yeah, I just told them about the diner and cooking things, and I expect kids all over town will rush out tomorrow and buy a spatula.
JESS: Checking for monsters?
LUKE: Oh, no, just. . .
JESS: Just what?
LUKE: Just didn't wanna accidentally bump into someone in there.
JESS: What are you talking about?
LUKE: Jess, did you have a girl stashed in there before?
JESS: Before what?
LUKE: Lorelai said you were hiding someone here earlier, she said a girl were you?
JESS: Yes.
LUKE: Jess, you don't shove a girl in a closet.
JESS: I did not shove her in the closet. She got in voluntarily.
LUKE: Oh, sure.
JESS: Look, Shane freaked when she heard you guys coming. Next thing I know, she's in there. I personally didn't care if you guys saw us or not, but hey women, right? You can't live with them, you can't keep them from jumping in the closet.
LUKE: Uh, you and I have got to have a little talk.
JESS: Hey, if you're gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me, I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell them I'm gonna be late.
LUKE: Shut up for a second, would ya? Look, I know you're at an age where the whole girl thing is. . .you know, on your mind a lot, and it's probably not helping you to think straight with all the hormones and other things that are raging around in there. My point is that you gotta think about things a little better, you know, the way you act. I mean, if you care about a girl the way you do with this Shane
JESS: I don't care about her.
LUKE: What?
JESS: I don't even know her last name.
LUKE: You're kidding.
JESS: She mentioned it once. It didn't stick.
LUKE: Well, if you don't care about her, what are you doing with her?
JESS: Just hanging with her, no biggie.
LUKE: Well, you gotta be doing something more than hanging with her. I mean, you got to at least be doing something with her to make her jump in a closet when people come into the room.
JESS: Relax, will ya? All is good.
LUKE: Jess, this isn't right. You can't treat a girl like this, like dirt!
JESS: If it's any consolation to you, she treats me like dirt, too. It's a pretty symbiotic relationship.
LUKE: And that's fine with you?
JESS: Yes, it is.
LUKE: To just go along in a relationship, you treat somebody bad and they treat you bad back.
JESS: That's right.
LUKE: Oh, that makes you happy?
JESS: I'd do backflips but I am way too cool.
LUKE: That makes absolutely no sense.
JESS: It doesn't have to make sense to you.
LUKE: There are plenty other of girls out there in the world, Jess.
JESS: Don't you have to get back to the diner?
LUKE: I mean, you can go out and at least find one that you actually care about.
JESS: Oh, like it's that easy.
LUKE: Yeah, it's that easy if you try.
JESS: Hey, the girls that I like don't give a damn about me! And unlike some other people I know, I'm not gonna sit around hoping that they change their minds and suddenly notice me.
LUKE: What's that supposed to mean?
JESS: You fixed any neighbor's porches lately? Or you go on a picnic or you get rooked into giving a ridiculous speech at a high school?
LUKE: Shut up.
JESS: At least I've got a little self-esteem.
LUKE: Shut up.
JESS: I'm not playing Golden Retriever, hoping one day she'll turn around and fall in my arms. If she doesn't wanna be with me, then fine.
LUKE: You have no idea what you're talking about.
JESS: Whatever. I gotta go, Shane's waiting.
LUKE: Oh, you mean what's-her-name?
JESS: Yeah, I'll bring you a new leash when I get back.
LUKE: Get outta here.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory and Lane are walking down the street]
LANE: Busy day, busy day.
RORY: I'm pretty exhausted.
LANE: I guess it was just too big of a statement for me to make right now.
RORY: Maybe. Oh, hey, I just thought of something.
LANE: What?
RORY: Technically, you have dyed hair.
LANE: I do, don't I?
RORY: Yup.
LANE: I mean, dyed my natural color, yes but dyed nonetheless.
RORY: Not one strand of real color on that head of yours.
LANE: So, I guess that means we can score this as a victory, right?
RORY: Absolutely, put it in the victory column.
[Jess and Shane walk past them]
SHANE: That girl's a freak.
LANE: What was that about?
RORY: It's been a very long day.
[Lorelai walks up to them]
LORELAI: Ah, people who like me, great.
RORY: How was your talk at the school?
LORELAI: Oh, just peachy. [to Lane] Is your hair blacker?
LANE: Uh oh.
RORY: Oh, I wish you hadn't have said that. It's not noticeable, but just stay out of bright lighting.
LORELAI: What happened?
LANE: I dyed my hair.
LORELAI: Uh!
LANE: Then I dyed it back, but for a full thirty minutes, I looked like this. [pulls out the picture]
LORELAI: Whoa, you look cool! You're insane.
LANE: I got sane again, but I will always have that picture. Oh, uh, hide it at your place?
LORELAI: Will do.
LANE: I gotta go. And remember, we still need a plan.
LORELAI: Yes, we do.
[Lane leaves]
LORELAI: Why do we need a plan?
RORY: A plan so that Lane doesn't have to quit her band.
LORELAI: Lane can't quit the band! She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono.
RORY: I told her that.
LORELAI: All right, let's go eat. . .see if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie.
RORY: Sounds good.
LORELAI: Let's go to Al's Pancake World for a change. He's doing a salute to Jamaica again.
RORY: Okay, as long as Al doesn't play the kettle drums all night.
LORELAI: We'll hide his mallets when he's not looking.
RORY: So, come on, tell me how the talk went.
LORELAI: Oh, it was great. It was one minute on my success in the business world, and that went very well. And it was ten minutes on the possibility that if I had had sex with a different man at a different time in my life, you wouldn't have been born.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I kind of got off on a tangent.
RORY: A big one. How did that happen?
LORELAI: I'll tell you about it at Al's. Just don't expect to be invited to any more swim parties at Kathy Fincher's house.
RORY: Well, don't wait til Al's. Tell me now.
LORELAI: Oh, I just love my little fluke.
RORY: Come on, what happened?
LORELAI: All right. Well, it started off really good and then all these kids started asking me all these questions, you know, about like. . . .
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x04 - One's Got Class And The Other One Dyes"} | foreverdreaming |
3.05 - Eight O'Clock at the Oasis
written by Justin Tanner
directed by Joe Ann Fogle
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street toward the diner]
LORELAI: And the rabbit says, How about that schnitzel!' Well?
RORY: Well what? There's no punchline.
LORELAI: That is the punchline.
RORY: How about that schnitzel!' that's the punchline?
LORELAI: Well, no, not when you say it like that.
RORY: How am I supposed to say it?
LORELAI: Like a punchline.
RORY: How about that schnitzel!
LORELAI: Oh, forget it.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You ruined my joke.
RORY: Um, no, the punchline ruined your joke.
LORELAI: Ha!
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You admit it's a punchline.
RORY: Oh my God.
LORELAI: Ha, I am vindicated. How about that schnitzel!' has officially been declared a punchline.
RORY: A really bad punchline.
LORELAI: No one asked for the Norton Critical Edition. All the schnitzel and I wanted was some recognition and now we have it.
[they walk into Luke's Diner]
LORELAI: Oh, man, it's packed in here.
RORY: I guess we counter it.
LORELAI: Oh, I guess we do.
[they sit down at the counter]
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: What do you know, your face really can freeze that way.
RORY: Are you okay?
LUKE: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm great. It's a big fat happy sunshine day for me.
LORELAI: Business looks good.
RORY: Yeah, the place is packed.
LUKE: Sure, it's been taken over by the J. Crew catalog.
[Several families with little kids are seated at the tables]
RORY: Oh, look, babies!
LORELAI: I never wanna hear that come out of your mouth again.
WOMAN: Find the yellow ball.
MAN: [searching through a diaper bag] Yellow ball, yellow ball, yellow ball. . .ah, yellow duck.
WOMAN: Ball.
MAN: Yellow ball, yellow ball, yellow ball.
LUKE: Every weekend, the same stupid group comes in here and take up all my tables and every chair they can get their sticky hands on, and they do that. They sit, they stand, one person holds the kid, another person holds the kid.
MAN 2: I've got Choo-Choo Joe.
LUKE: This guy runs in and out and back and forth, the other guy never takes his head out of that stupid bag, the women can't figure out which kid is which, and they do it all morning long, and then order two iced teas to go, and that is it.
LORELAI: I'm sure you're exaggerating.
LUKE: I am not exaggerating.
WOMAN 2: Oh god.
LUKE: Oh, now, this is good, you see Choo-Choo Joe will not be working.
WOMAN 2: Get the Bongo Bear. Get the Bongo Bear.
RORY: How'd you know that?
LUKE: Because Joe has not been working for the last six months. Personally, I don't think he's broken, I think he k*lled himself to get away from that family.
LORELAI: Oh, now that kid's a major drooler.
RORY: Yeah, it's like a fountain.
LUKE: Okay, that's it, they have to go.
LORELAI: Luke, come on, it's just spit. Pretend you're at a baseball game.
LUKE: No no no, I've had enough. Let them go not spend money at Al's, I'm through.
[He starts to walk toward the people when a woman stands up and starts unbuttoning her shirt. Luke walks back to Lorelai and Rory]
LUKE: Is that woman doing what I think she's doing?
[the woman has started nursing her baby]
LORELAI: Um, well, I can't be a hundred percent sure, but. . .oh yeah, that's lunch.
LUKE: Why, why do they do this? This is a public place, people are eating here.
RORY: They sure are.
LUKE: This cannot be sanitary.
LORELAI: I agree. You don't know where that thing's been.
LUKE: When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They'd go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it's indecent. This is a diner not a peep show!
LORELAI: Hey, consider making it a combo. You could charge more for your cheeseburgers. Of course, no one would ever feel the same ordering a glass of milk again, but . . .
LUKE: I have to do something. I just can't stand here and let the lactating continue.
LORELAI: Luke.
RORY: Gross!
LUKE: I'm gross? I'm not the one exposing myself for the entire world to see. That's it.
[Luke starts to walk over to the woman, then walks back to the counter]
LUKE: You go make her stop.
LORELAI: I'm not going over there.
LUKE: Why not? You're a woman.
LORELAI: So what?
LUKE: So you have the same parts.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: You shouldn't be scared of it.
LORELAI: Scared of it? You know, you're gonna be a bachelor for a really long time.
LUKE: I am being taken advantage of here, and I do not like being taken advantage of. I hate this!
[Jess walks down into the diner and sees the woman nursing]
JESS: Oh geez!
[Jess quickly turns around and walks back upstairs]
LUKE: Okay, well, that was kind of fun.
[opening credits]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai walks into the lobby as Michel walks in from another direction carrying some pillows]
LORELAI: Aw, is it your nap time?
MICHEL: The Tylers in twelve asked to have their toxic pillows removed.
LORELAI: Our pillows aren't toxic.
MICHEL: According to the complimentary travel magazine that we put in their room, down pillows can carry airborne diseases and mold.
LORELAI: Unbelievable I didn't think anyone ever read those magazines.
MICHEL: I think she had to, there was a picture of a roast chicken on the cover.
LORELAI: Michel.
MICHEL: She is large.
LORELAI: Michel.
MICHEL: And her husband in ugly.
LORELAI: Hey!
MICHEL: They threw pillows at me!
[phone rings]
LORELAI: Independence inn.
EMILY: You really should identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.
LORELAI: Sorry. Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?
EMILY: Yes, thank you. Now I wanna talk to you about something.
LORELAI: sh**t.
EMILY: I'm in charge of the Society Matron's League's annual antique auction next Tuesday and I thought maybe you'd like to come.
LORELAI: Society Matron's League? That's quite a name.
EMILY: And what is wrong with that name, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Nothing, it just sounds so serious. Brings to mind a room full of old ladies wearing black dresses and cameos and pushing spoonfuls of cod liver oil on the kids.
EMILY: That's a very flattering portrait of my friends you're painting.
LORELAI: I didn't mean your friends. I meant the other old ladies in the league, the ones who don't like you and your friends cause you guys are so young.
EMILY: Kindly wrap this up soon, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Consider it wrapped.
EMILY: Thank you. As I was saying, all the proceeds from the auction go to the children's hospital, and we're going to be offering some lovely pieces which I think would like very nice in that inn of yours.
LORELAI: What sort of pieces?
EMILY: Basically a lot canes and shawls, a couple of walkers. I believe we finally talked Old Lady Rollins into giving up her teeth.
LORELAI: What sort of pieces, Mom?
EMILY: We have a couple of wonderful writing desks, and some French end tables, rocking chairs, picture frames, lamps, davenports.
LORELAI: Well
EMILY: The worst that can happen is you won't find anything you like and you've wasted a couple of hours. And who knows, you might find something you love. Plus, I will be way too busy to sit with you if that is of concern.
LORELAI: That is not a concern. Define way too busy.'
EMILY: Are you interested or not?
LORELAI: When is this auction?
EMILY: Tuesday at one o'clock.
LORELAI: I'll think about it.
EMILY: I'll see you Tuesday.
LORELAI: Bye. [hangs up]
MICHEL: I'm sorry, did I hear you mention something about an auction?
LORELAI: Uh, my mother's women's group is having one next week.
MICHEL: Oh, well, you know I love a good auction. The drama, the strategy.
LORELAI: The strategy?
MICHEL: Oh, yes. First, you mustn't be too eager because that drives the price way up.
LORELAI: Don't be too eager, got it.
MICHEL: And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements.
LORELAI: Well, that certainly calls for a "Dirty!"
MICHEL: Mm, how's your arm raise? Good?
LORELAI: Pretty good.
MICHEL: Ah, I have an excellent arm raise.
LORELAI: That's what it says on the bathroom wall.
MICHEL: Yes, well, if you need some tips. . .
LORELAI: I'll give you a call.
MICHEL: Good. Take me to the auction!
LORELAI: Michel.
MICHEL: Take me, I insist you take me!
LORELAI: You don't even know if it's gonna be any good. It's just a bunch of society women.
MICHEL: If your mother's involved, it will be impeccable and I haven't been to an impeccable auction in over a year.
LORELAI: Well, I don't know.
MICHEL: What do you want?
LORELAI: Michel, I don't want anything.
MICHEL: Stop playing coy with me. I want into that auction, you name your price.
LORELAI: Okay, you have to work weekends for the rest of this month.
MICHEL: Done.
LORELAI: And you have to answer the phone when it rings.
MICHEL: Done.
LORELAI: And you have to answer it in English, unless the person is actually foreign.
MICHEL: Done.
LORELAI: And you have to oversee the nature hikers next week.
MICHEL: No.
LORELAI: Michel, if you wanna go to this auction, you have to be in the lobby at six o'clock Friday morning. You have to hand out towels and water bottles, you have to show them the hiking trails, and you have to let them give you a nature name.
MICHEL: Fine, I will let them give me a nature name.
LORELAI: All right, then, you can come.
MICHEL: Thank you.
LORELAI: Buttercup.
MICHEL: You cannot give them suggestions!
CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD
[Lorelai and Rory get out of the Jeep; Lorelai is carrying a pizza, Rory is carrying a brown takeout bag]
RORY: I can't believe you got into a fight with Pete.
LORELAI: Hey, you do not suddenly decide that garlic is an extra topping, not after five years, not after all we've been through. We single-handedly helped Pete pay for that new delivery truck of his, and I thought he needed to be reminded of that fact.
RORY: Very loudly.
LORELAI: Not that loudly.
RORY: Dogs started barking.
LORELAI: Because they heard about the garlic incident, and no one likes getting screwed, Rory, not even a Schnauzer. Pete's a swindler. He takes advantage of single mothers and their innocent children and for that, he must pay what?
RORY: He gave us free cheesy bread.
LORELAI: He did? Oh!
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: I love the cheesy bread.
RORY: I know you do.
LORELAI: It's all hot, too.
RORY: Now doesn't someone feel a little silly?
LORELAI: Me?
RORY: Should we call Pete tonight?
LORELAI: Okay, after cheesy bread.
RORY: Fine, after the cheesy bread.
LORELAI: I'm gonna go get the mail go on inside.
RORY: Okay, I'm gonna go melt some more cheese on the pizza.
LORELAI: Melt away.
[Rory goes inside. Lorelai walks to the mailbox as a man walks across the yard]
DWIGHT: Hey! Hello there, neighbor!
LORELAI: Hi. I'm sorry, are we neighbors?
DWIGHT: Yes, yes we are. I just moved in across the way.
LORELAI: Oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, Beenie Morrison's old place.
DWIGHT: That's right, Beenie Morrison's old place.
LORELAI: Aw.
DWIGHT: Beenie Morrison's old place. I live in Beenie Morrison's old place. Isn't that great?
LORELAI: Only if Beenie Morrison didn't want to live there anymore.
DWIGHT: Oh no, I paid him a very good price. Overpaid, actually, but it was worth it. I've been dreaming about a place like Beenie Morrison's old place for a long time, and then I found it. I'm sorry, I'm just really excited.
LORELAI: That's okay, it's nice.
DWIGHT: It's a great neighborhood.
LORELAI: Yes, it is.
DWIGHT: Everyone's so friendly. Babette do you know Babette?
LORELAI: Everybody knows Babette.
DWIGHT: Oh, she's a great lady. Oh, uh, anyhow, I'm Dwight.
LORELAI: I'm Lorelai. And if you see a teen walking around with a halo and a book, that's my daughter Rory.
DWIGHT: Very nice to meet you, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Nice to meet you too, Dwight. Welcome to the neighborhood. If there's anything I can do to help out, let me know.
DWIGHT: Really?
LORELAI: Sure.
DWIGHT: Well, that's great. Actually, I have this little favor I'd love to ask.
LORELAI: Oh, right now?
DWIGHT: Well, this week. You know, I just got this beautiful lawn put in, really amazing shade of green, and the guy who put it in for me, he told me that I have to keep each bade of grass very moist for the first few days while the roots take, but I have to go on a business trip for a few days. Huh, last minute, and believe me, I tried to get out of it but my boss said, Dwight, get off your keister and go make us some money', so I gotta go.
LORELAI: Well, sure, when the word keister's being thrown around, what are you gonna do?
DWIGHT: Exactly. So I was wondering if maybe you could water my lawn?
LORELAI: Oh.
DWIGHT: Only for a few days. You know, a little in the morning, a little in the late afternoon or evening, depending on your schedule. It would be a really big favor.
LORELAI: Uh, well, I guess, I could water your lawn, Dwight sure.
DWIGHT: Boy, that is something. If I would have asked somebody back where I used to live to water my lawn, I would've gotten a much more HBO kind of answer. I love it here! Uh, so, uh, can you come on over now?
LORELAI: Excuse me?
DWIGHT: So I can show you where the on/off nozzle is. It'll only take a second.
LORELAI: Oh, my daughter's waiting inside for me, I
DWIGHT: Oh, uh, well, we can do it tomorrow before I leave.
LORELAI: Great. What time are you leaving tomorrow?
DWIGHT: Six a.m.
LORELAI: Now sounds fine.
DWIGHT: That's so terrific. Uh, follow me.
LORELAI: Okay.
[Lorelai follows Dwight across the yard]
DWIGHT: You just gotta go over here and make a right.
LORELAI: Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know where it is.
CUT TO DWIGHT'S FRONT YARD
[Lorelai follows Dwight up the front pathway of his house]
DWIGHT: Welcome to The Oasis! That's what I named this place, The Oasis, my oasis, a little slice of heaven right here on Earth. Gosh, I swear, I still can't believe I'm here. I was in a terrible marriage, you know.
LORELAI: Actually, I didn't.
DWIGHT: Oh, yeah, horrible, like a punishment out of Greek mythology. The women had five heads, suffering, agony. You know, I used to be taller?
LORELAI: Really, she shrunk you?
DWIGHT: I used to have more hair, too.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
DWIGHT: And higher arches.
LORELAI: Wow.
DWIGHT: But through all the screaming and the name calling, the berating and the humiliation, somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew someday I would have it my oasis. Oh, that's what got me through. That's what kept me from sticking my head through a plate glass window every night when I got home.
LORELAI: Well, that's a really nice story, Dwight. It's very inspiring and. . .oh, hey, this looks like it does something.
DWIGHT: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, this is the on/off spigot.
LORELAI: Aha.
DWIGHT: You just turn it to the right for on.
LORELAI: Oh.
DWIGHT: And the left for off.
LORELAI: Seems simple.
DWIGHT: It's very simple.
LORELAI: Okay, so, twice a day.
DWIGHT: Yeah, for a good fifteen minute soaking.
LORELAI: I will soak my best.
DWIGHT: I really appreciate it.
LORELAI: Okay, well, you have a good trip.
DWIGHT: I owe ya.
[Lorelai walks back to her house; Rory is waiting on the porch]
RORY: Where have you been?
LORELAI: Get in the house.
RORY: I thought you were gonna go get the mail.
LORELAI: Go, go, go!
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Don't look around, stare straight ahead, no more talking to people ever!
RORY: Mom!
[Lorelai pushes Rory into the house]
CUT TO AUCTION
[An auctioneer stands on a stage running the auction; Lorelai and Michel are sitting in the audience.]
AUCTIONEER: Next up, we have an occasional table from a distinguished, family-owned company in Vermont, circa 1912. We shall start the bidding at two hundred-fifty dollars. Do I hear two-fifty? Two hundred fifty, thank you.
LORELAI: Wow, lots of garbage at these things.
MICHEL: Always. You've got to be patient and wait for what you want to appear, then pounce.
LORELAI: Hm, true at an auction, true at a singles bar.
MICHEL: To put it crudely, yes.
LORELAI: Crap, crap, crap that makes the previous two items not seem like crap.
MICHEL: Could you keep your crap commentaries to yourself?
AUCTIONEER: Four hundred dollars, we have four hundred, four hundred going once, going twice, sold to bidder number sixty-five.
LORELAI: Aw, wow, that was a good table.
MICHEL: It was a good table, not a great table.
LORELAI: We should've gone for it.
MICHEL: Too expensive and too many scratches.
LORELAI: We could've buffed the scratches out.
MICHEL: Look, if you want it that bad, it's quite obvious that the buyer's children will be selling it at his probate in the very near future.
LORELAI: You're awful.
MICHEL: And he's old, now be quiet.
[Emily walks over to them]
EMILY: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Oh, hey Mom, you remember Michel?
EMILY: Yes, from the inn.
MICHEL: Hello Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Didn't you see me waving at you before?
LORELAI: Yeah.
EMILY: You didn't wave back.
LORELAI: It's dangerous to wave at an auction. You didn't see before, but when you waved you bought a motorcycle and a sidecar.
EMILY: I did not.
LORELAI: Circa 1912. Now would you drive it or would you sit in the sidecar?
[A woman walks up to them]
NATALIE: There she is, the Cobra.
EMILY: Oh, now, Natalie.
LORELAI: The what?
NATALIE: This woman gets her way or she squeezes til you comply.
LORELAI: Like a superhero.
EMILY: Ignore her, Natalie is just being Natalie. My daughter, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Nice to meet you.
NATALIE: Your mother's got such spunk. You must love her.
LORELAI: I think she'd squeeze me to death if I didn't.
EMILY: Natalie, you're embarrassing me.
NATALIE: Oh, hush, Emily. Listen to this. . . our auctioneer calls in sick this morning, they are such flakes, and what is an auction without an auctioneer?
LORELAI: Just a bunch of nuts with paddles surrounded by mismatched furniture?
NATALIE: Exactly. But your mother got on the horn with that lazy Charlie and she squeezed and squeezed til voila he suddenly felt better. The Cobra.
LORELAI: The Cobra.
EMILY: Oh, now, stop it.
NATALIE: You're humble, don't be. Nice to meet you.
LORELAI: Same here.
NATALIE: Edna's group wants to give you kudos, too, Emily. Make sure to swing by.
EMILY: I will.
[Natalie leaves]
EMILY: I should make the rounds. Say goodbye before you leave.
LORELAI: Hm, I will, Cobra.
EMILY: Stop it.
LORELAI: It goes with the motorcycle thing, too.
[Emily walks away, Lorelai sits down]
AUCTIONEER: Do I have two hundred-fifty? Two hundred-fifty, thank you. Do I have three hundred? Three hundred, thank you very much.
LORELAI: Oh, is this our end tables?
MICHEL: Shh!
AUCTIONEER: Moving on to three-fifty? Three-fifty, do we have four?
LORELAI: Let me do the paddle.
MICHEL: No.
LORELAI: I just wanna hold it, it's still your thing.
MICHEL: I'm losing my concentration.
LORELAI: Fine. I'm gonna go get a drink.
MICHEL: Please.
AUCTIONEER: Do we have five hundred?
[Lorelai walks up to the bar as a man is ordering a drink]
PEYTON: Can I get a Merlot, please?
BARTENDER: Yes sir.
LORELAI: Oh, that sounds great, make it two.
BARTENDER: [pouring drink] Got just enough for one and this is the last of the red, sorry.
LORELAI: Aw. I'll give you two bucks for it.
BARTENDER: They're free.
LORELAI: Which makes two bucks a great offer, and this is an auction, right?
BARTENDER: Yes.
PEYTON: Three.
BARTENDER: What?
PEYTON: I'll give you three for it.
LORELAI: Four.
PEYTON: Five.
LORELAI: Six.
PEYTON: Six-fifty
LORELAI: Ooh, losing steam.
PEYTON: Just weighing cost versus benefit.
LORELAI: Well, you've gotta think about these things.
PEYTON: How about this? Can I get an empty glass?
BARTENDER: Yes, sir.
[Peyton pours some of the wine into the second glass]
LORELAI: Aw. You're the Solomon of wine.
PEYTON: Everybody's gotta be something. I got a few things coming up that I'm bidding on.
LORELAI: Oh, oh. Great, the bartender and I are the only ones in the building that don't get to hold a paddle.
PEYTON: Why don't you put a bid on one of the paddles?
LORELAI: What would I use to bid on it?
PEYTON: I'm Solomon, not Einstein.
LORELAI: Bye Solomon.
[Peyton walks away as the bartender pulls out another bottle of wine]
BARTENDER: Oops, I had a spare bottle all the time.
LORELAI: Oh, thanks. This was better.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen while talking on the phone]
LORELAI: Hi, yes, I was at your auction yesterday and I was wondering if you could help me. Um, I met a man there and I would like to contact him but I didn't get his name and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number seventeen, and. . .Oh right, confidential, got it. . .Well, you know, actually, I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here, he's an old friend from school. . . Good question. Well, I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname. . .Uh, Shamu. We called him Shamu. He was kind of, um, a big guy in high school, but he's slimmed down quite a bit. . .No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence. . . See, Shamu and I went to a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together and we tore it and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win! . . .Fourteen million dollars! . . .Really, but see, we have to claim it by four p.m. today or we forfeit. . .Ah, yes. . .Oh, well, but there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you. See, um, my blood type is o-negative and he's o-negative and I have a medical condition that. . .All right, then. Well, thank you anyway. Bye. [hangs up]
RORY: So. . .
LORELAI: Yes?
RORY: You ran into your old friend Shamu?
LORELAI: Mmhmm.
RORY: And you won millions of dollars?
LORELAI: Yup.
RORY: And you need a transfusion?
LORELAI: I'm just trying to get the name of a really cool guy I met at this auction, but they won't give it to me.
RORY: Wow, that's a lot of effort. Must've been cute.
LORELAI: And witty you don't meet that everyday.
RORY: You know who would have his name?
LORELAI: Who?
RORY: Grandma.
LORELAI: Ah, no, she only knows the Bitty's, she doesn't know the young ones.
RORY: She knows everyone at these kinds of things. You know Grandma.
LORELAI: I cannot ask her for this.
RORY: Then kiss Shamu goodbye.
LORELAI: But maybe you could ask her.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Come on, ask her, do me a favor!
RORY: You want me to ask Grandma for the name of a man that I didn't meet at a function that I didn't attend?
LORELAI: I'll share my lottery winnings with you.
RORY: It's ridiculously transparent.
LORELAI: Fourteen million dollars.
RORY: But you're sharing half with him and taxes will take a huge chunk, and oh yeah you didn't win the lottery. Ask her yourself.
LORELAI: You're mean.
RORY: Did you call information and ask them for paddle seventeen's listing?
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, Emily and Richard are eating dinner]
EMILY: What do you think of the pork? Rory?
RORY: It's good.
EMILY: I'm not sure. Richard?
RICHARD: It's fine.
EMILY: I'm not sure.
LORELAI: It's really good, Mom.
EMILY: Yes, well, I'm not sure.
RICHARD: Pork is bred leaner these days. It has a different taste. Less fat equals less flavor. Yet another example of the great advances man has made, flavorless pork. Hurrah for the opposable thumbs.
EMILY: All right, enough talk about pork. Please, someone change the subject.
RORY: Mom had a really good time at the auction the other day.
EMILY: Did you?
LORELAI: Yes, yes, I did.
EMILY: Well, I'm glad. Did you see anything you liked?
RORY: Yeah, Mom, anything look good to you there?
LORELAI: Yes, actually, I, uh, bought a couple of end tables for the inn.
EMILY: I must say I was very impressed with the selection this year. I even wound up purchasing a couple of pieces for myself.
RICHARD: Yes, how nice to have yet another chair you can't sit in.
EMILY: It's one hundred years old.
RICHARD: Wonderful. We can put it next to the two-hundred-year-old footstool you can't put your foot on.
EMILY: Oh, Richard, please.
RICHARD: I'm only teasing, Emily. It is one of the great pleasures of my life to be able to surround you with a house full of useless objects. No, I'm never happier than when we're standing in the corner staring at our furniture.
EMILY: Eat your pork, please.
RORY: You know, I believe there was something at the auction that Mom wanted but she didn't get. Isn't that right, Mom?
EMILY: Oh really? What was that?
LORELAI: I think it was a steamer trunk for Rory to take with her to military school, wasn't it, honey?
EMILY: I don't remember a steamer trunk, but I can check on it for you if you like.
LORELAI: That's not necessary, Mom. Uh, so, Mom, it was a very nice bunch of people you had at that auction.
EMILY: Yes, very nice.
LORELAI: I was surprised at how many young people were there. I mean, you know, younger people. Um, in fact, uh, like, for instance, this guy that I talked to for quite awhile, he was. . .younger.
EMILY: What man was that?
LORELAI: Oh, I didn't get his name, but he was a nice looking guy. He had a gray suit and he was paddle number seventeen. He likes Merlot.
EMILY: Are you talking about Peyton Sanders?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know, maybe.
EMILY: Wait one second, I'll look it up.
LORELAI: Oh, no no no, Mom, you don't have to . . .she's looking it up.
EMILY: Paddle number seventeen, Peyton Sanders.
LORELAI: Oh great, oh, Peyton Sanders. Well, that's great that it's Peyton Sanders. . . cause that's, uh, great. How well do you know this Peyton Sanders?
EMILY: Why?
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Why do you wanna know how well I know Peyton Sanders?
LORELAI: I don't wanna know. I was just mentioning that he was, you know, seemed. . .uh, you know. . .
EMILY: Young.
LORELAI: Yes, young. Okay, Mom, uh, Peyton and I kind of h*t it off and I wondered if you possibly had his number. . .okay, there, I said it. Pass the flavorless pork.
EMILY: You're asking me for his number?
LORELAI: If it's not a big deal, then yes.
EMILY: Well, well, well. Richard, Lorelai's asking me for a man's number.
RICHARD: So I heard.
LORELAI: But if it's a big deal, forget it.
EMILY: It's not a big deal at all. I don't have his number.
LORELAI: Okay, then, never mind.
EMILY: I can get his number. Would you like me to get his number?
LORELAI: Um, it's up to you.
EMILY: It can't be up to me. I didn't ask for his number, you asked for his number, therefore it has to be up to you as to whether or not I get his number.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom.
EMILY: Would you like me to get his number?
LORELAI: Yes, if you don't mind.
EMILY: I don't mind at all.
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: You're welcome.
LORELAI: I wasn't kidding about that military school.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai rushes down the steps]
LORELAI: Okay, the clock is right! If we hurry, we still have time to h*t Luke's for breakfast. What'd I forget?
RORY: [rushing into the living room] Pants.
LORELAI: Uh! Ooh, don't do that. Come on, let's go!
RORY: I can't.
LORELAI: You can't have breakfast? You have to have breakfast.
RORY: The clock is wrong, I'll miss my bus.
LORELAI: Forget your bus, I'll drive you to school.
RORY: You will?
LORELAI: Yes. Oh sh**t!
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Dwight's lawn.
RORY: Aw, there goes the breakfast sandwich.
LORELAI: No, no, let's hurry, we can still do Luke's.
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Let's go!
RORY: Agh, my shoes!
LORELAI: You don't need shoes! In my day, we walked twenty miles in the snow just to get to our shoes!
RORY: Aw, come on.
CUT TO DWIGHT'S FRONT YARD
[Lorelai and Rory walk up the front pathway.]
LORELAI: Okay, come on, sprinkle. [turns on the sprinkler] There, drink up boys, we've got a breakfast to get to.
[Rory walks to the porch and finds an envelope]
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: I think this is for you.
LORELAI: Lorelai? No, it must be someone else. Hey, don't read that. Do not read that. I'm telling you, no good can come from you reading that.
RORY: Dear Lorelai. . .'
LORELAI: And she's reading it.
RORY: Just a couple of things that came to mind after we talked.'
LORELAI: Oh great.
RORY: First of all, thank you for this very kind favor you're doing me. I still can't believe that any one person would be so kind to someone they just met.'
LORELAI: Yeah, apparently Dwight's last home was Oz, and not as in The Wizard Of.'
RORY: Second, since you are already coming over to take care of my lawn, I was hoping you wouldn't mind stopping inside and watering my African violets. I have written the directions on a separate piece of paper, there's a key in the planter by the door. Please go in, make yourself at home. I have food in the fridge, satellite TV, and a great collection of board games. My oasis is your oasis.'
LORELAI: I'm not going in that house. Rory, do not pick up that key.
RORY: But we have to water the violets.
LORELAI: No, I didn't agree to violets. He threw the violets in after he'd already rooked me into watering his lawn.
RORY: Don't you at least wanna see what his house looks like?
LORELAI: Absolutely not. Key, please. Let me just say, if we walk in there and his d*ad mother is sitting in a rocking chair, not a bit surprised.
[cut to inside Dwight's house]
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, Dwight.
RORY: This place is great.
LORELAI: Someone took the whole lounge craze very seriously.
[they see a large cabinet filled with board games]
RORY: Oh my.
LORELAI: Oh geez, he wasn't kidding.
RORY: I have never seen this many board games. He's got Monopoly from every country in the world.
LORELAI: Hey, when you finally meet him?
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Remember he owns Twister there's a great visual awaiting you.
RORY: Got it. Hey, how come we don't have a tiki bar?
LORELAI: Well, we are not two wild and crazy guys.
RORY: You like pina coladas.
LORELAI: And getting lost in the rain.
RORY: I love it here.
LORELAI: It's quite a statement, I'll give him that.
RORY: Hey, African violets.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, right. [cell phone rings] Just a sec. [answers phone] Hello?. . .Hi Peyton, thanks for calling me back. . .Well, I hope it was a good surprise. [whispers to Rory] It was a good surprise.
RORY: Yay.
LORELAI: [on phone] You just flew back on your jet, huh? . . .From Maui? Sounds great. . . Yes, I would love to get together with you. . .Um, I'm pretty flexible next week. What'd you have in mind? . . . David Bowie?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I love David Bowie, I would love to go. . . Oh, well, yeah, it is a ways away, but. . .No, I think that sounds just crazy enough.
RORY: What sounds crazy enough?
LORELAI: Well, that sounds great, Peyton. It's a plan. . . I'll see you then, okay, bye. [hangs up] We're having dinner tomorrow.
RORY: What were you saying about David Bowie?
LORELAI: Well, first, he asked me to the David Bowie concert next week.
RORY: You're so lucky!
LORELAI: I know! And once that was set, he said that a week was an awfully long time to wait.
RORY: He did not.
LORELAI: So we're having dinner tomorrow.
RORY: And Bowie next week.
LORELAI: And Bowie next week.
RORY: Two dates in one phone call. Talk about not wasting any time.
LORELAI: He sounds very cool, and not just cause he owns his own jet.
RORY: Well, remember to tell him that the way to get to you is through your daughter, who desperately wants to go to Amsterdam.
LORELAI: I will remember.
RORY: I think this place is lucky.
LORELAI: I think you may be right. Of course, creepy's the other word that comes to mind.
CUT TO LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Lorelai is getting dressed in the closet as Rory reads on the bed]
LORELAI: [from inside the closet] The red skirt is not working.
RORY: Try the blue.
LORELAI: Blue let me down ten minutes ago, I think it's conspiring with the red.
RORY: I wish you'd just wear the dress we picked out this morning.
LORELAI: No, you know as well as I do, the morning butt and evening butt are two completely different butts.
RORY: Well, whatever butt you've got tonight had better hurry because he's gonna be here any minute.
LORELAI: Rats. Fine, okay, striped skirt, g*n sweater, that's it. [walks out of closet] What do you think? And remember, I'm wearing this no matter what because I cannot spend one more second deciding what to wear, so the answer has to be, You look fantastic.'
RORY: You look fantastic.
LORELAI: [grabs a shirt from the bed] Pink and black.
RORY: With a flippy skirt.
LORELAI: Grab a necklace?
[Lorelai walks back into the closet to change]
LORELAI: Um, okay, here is my concern.
RORY: Voice it.
LORELAI: Well, you know, I only saw this guy once for like ten minutes and the lighting was only so-so and I hadn't eaten anything, and, like, what if I'm remembering him a lot cuter than he was?
RORY: I'm sure you're not.
LORELAI: Yeah, but what if I am? You know how these things are. You get bored, you need a diversion, so you superimpose a really cute guy's face over a really scary looking guy.
RORY: Well, then you'll just have to strike up a conversation with him and find out what kind of a man he is beneath the surface.
LORELAI: What? On the first date what will he think of me?
RORY: Just order an extra dessert.
LORELAI: Okay, fine. Well?
RORY: I like the brown.
LORELAI: Come here a sec, you've got some dirt on your forehead. I'm sorry, it's just the sign of the devil, my mistake.
RORY: You look beautiful.
LORELAI: Thank you. [they hear a car pull up] I think that's him. [they look out the window] Well, the car sure is pretty.
RORY: Come on.
[cut to them walking down the stairs]
LORELAI: Okay now, if for some reason, he does turn out to have like a horn in the middle of his forehead, you will call me in one hour with a very high fever.
RORY: Deal.
LORELAI: God, I'm nervous. Why am I nervous?
RORY: Because you're crazy.
LORELAI: Yes, good, thank you.
[Lorelai pulls open the door]
PEYTON: Hi.
LORELAI: [to Rory] You're feeling just fine. [to Peyton] Hey Peyton.
PEYTON: Am I early?
LORELAI: No, you're right on time. Peyton, I want you to meet my daughter, Rory.
PEYTON: It's a pleasure, Rory.
RORY: Hi.
LORELAI: Okay, so, don't wait up and remember only two or three crackheads at the most, they eat all the good cereal.
RORY: Deal. Have fun.
PEYTON: It was nice meeting you, Rory. [to Lorelai] You look wonderful.
LORELAI: Oh, so do you Peyton. So do you.
CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM
[Rory is in bed, Lorelai knocks on the door]
LORELAI: You up?
RORY: What time is it?
LORELAI: 10:15.
RORY: Oops.
LORELAI: Yup.
RORY: What happened? He was hornless.
[Lorelai sits down on Rory's bed]
LORELAI: No, he had no horns, he also had no personality.
RORY: Yikes.
LORELAI: And no sense of humor.
RORY: Gross.
LORELAI: And no idea how boring he was.
RORY: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: That's okay. The evening started well enough that is, until we got to the car. . .a Jaguar XJ8 convertible with a 290 horsepower engine, in case you were wondering. You weren't? Funny, neither was I. However, he told me anyhow. He told me a lot of other things about the car, also. Like, did you know how many inches the pistons are? I do! I also know the correct oil to use for it, how to treat the leather interior, and how to load it onto a flatbed truck in case of a flat tire.
RORY: Geez, did he talk about anything else but the car?
LORELAI: Not until we got to the restaurant . . .and the wine list.
RORY: Oh no, he's a wine-y?
LORELAI: Yes, he sniffed, swirled, swished, and did every other pretentious and borderline-disgusting thing that you can do with a glass of wine in a public place, and he did it all while describing to me the vintage discrepancies and the wood they use for the barrels in Palermo and the grape crop projections for the following year. And I, in turn, chimed in with my story about getting sick on Andre Cold Duck in the back of Peter Cutler's car in ninth grade. He didn't find that quite as charming.
RORY: I can't believe that. That is one of your best anecdotes.
LORELAI: I know! So I stopped talking. He continued talking and I just sat there thinking about Peter Cutler. How was Peter Cutler? Where was Peter Cutler? Was there any chance that Peter Cutler would appear and k*ll the man sitting across from me talking about torque?
RORY: Was the food good at least?
LORELAI: Tiny portions, weird sauces.
RORY: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: That's okay. You don't know until you try, right? Anyhow, I am going to go to bed now and dream of Peter Cutler. Hopefully, it will be dirty.
RORY: What about Bowie?
LORELAI: Unh uh! I'm not sharing Peter Cutler with Bowie.
RORY: Are you still going?
LORELAI: No. There's no way I could stand this guy for another night. I'll catch Bowie the next time he does a farewell tour.
RORY: Bummer.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: Night Mom.
LORELAI: Night babe. Oh, and hey, tomorrow, I'll fill you in on how many hours you have to clock to get your pilot's license.
RORY: I cannot wait.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai and Michel are at the front desk]
LORELAI: Well, the quilting convention is sitting down to tea.
MICHEL: Uh, I'm doing internal cartwheels.
LORELAI: Any messages?
MICHEL: Your mother called. The auction people dropped the lamp that we bought at her place and dropped hers off here and she's desperate to have it for some soiree at her house this evening.
LORELAI: Oh, swell. Well, I guess I can take it to her when I do my other errands. I can pick up Rory, too. [picks up a bowl] This is cool.
MICHEL: Yes, it was a personal purchase.
LORELAI: I want it, what is it?
MICHEL: An eighteenth century bleeding bowl.
LORELAI: A bleeding bowl?
MICHEL: When doctors bled patients, the blood had to go somewhere, no?
LORELAI: Okay return lamp, pick up Rory, boil right hand.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings, Emily answers. Lorelai is holding a lamp]
LORELAI: Hey Mom, I think this is yours.
EMILY: Ah! Yes, it is. And I believe this is yours.
LORELAI: Yes, it is.
EMILY: That auction house is usually so good with deliveries. I'm surprised at the mix up.
LORELAI: Oh, well, Gilmore and Gilmore there's kind of a connection there.
EMILY: Yes, I suppose there is.
LORELAI: Okay, well, I have to pick up Rory in a little while, so we'll see you Friday.
EMILY: Would you like to sit down, maybe have some coffee?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't wanna leave her standing there.
EMILY: Well, Rory doesn't get out for another half an hour. You've got a little time.
LORELAI: Okay, I guess I can stay a minute.
EMILY: Wonderful. I'll get you a stopwatch so you can keep exact time.
LORELAI: Uh, that won't be necessary, Mom.
[they walk to the living room and sit down]
EMILY: So, how is everything?
LORELAI: Everything's fine.
EMILY: And how's everything with Rory?
LORELAI: Everything with Rory's fine.
EMILY: And how's everything at the inn?
LORELAI: Everything at the inn is fine.
EMILY: And how was your date?
LORELAI: My what?
EMILY: Your date with Peyton.
LORELAI: Well, my date was, shockingly enough, fine. How did you know about his date?
EMILY: His mother told me.
LORELAI: You know his mother?
EMILY: A little.
LORELAI: Oh good.
EMILY: So, tell me, what did you do?
LORELAI: When?
EMILY: On your date.
LORELAI: Oh, well, we just went to dinner, that's all.
EMILY: I heard you went driving around afterward.
LORELAI: Well, sure, uh, you know, we drove in the direction of my house. I guess you could call that driving around.
EMILY: I heard Peyton had a lovely time.
LORELAI: Did he? Well, that's nice, I'm glad. I should really get going, Mom.
EMILY: Oh, you have a little more time. I wanna hear more about your date.
LORELAI: Well, it was just a date, you know, nothing special. Two people eating and talking one person talking slightly more than the other.
EMILY: Had he called you since?
LORELAI: No, but
EMILY: Oh, well, it was only last night, there's time. I just think this is so exciting.
LORELAI: You know what, Mom, I wouldn't get too excited if I were you.
EMILY: Why not?
LORELAI: Well, because we didn't really h*t it off that well.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: No one's fault, he's just not really my type.
EMILY: What do you mean he's not your type?
LORELAI: Well, we just don't have any of the same interests, and we didn't find a whole lot to talk about. You know, basically the date was kind of a dud.
EMILY: Oh, well, that's too bad.
LORELAI: Yeah.
EMILY: Well, you'll just have to try a little harder on the next date.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
EMILY: Aren't you going to a concert together next week?
LORELAI: Ah, that Peyton's a real Mama's boy, isn't he?
EMILY: Just because he shares his life with his mother doesn't make him a Mama's boy, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I'm not gonna go to the concert with him, Mom.
EMILY: But I thought you had a plan.
LORELAI: We did, but that was before we spent any time together and realized we can't spend any time together.
EMILY: You're not gonna cancel on him.
LORELAI: Mom, believe me, he won't be surprised. He didn't have that great a time either.
EMILY: Lorelai, you have to go to the concert. You made a commitment to someone, you have to honor it.
LORELAI: Mom, this is my business, okay?
EMILY: Ugh, this is so like you.
LORELAI: What is so like me?
EMILY: You spend five seconds with a person and if they say one wrong thing, you turn on them and never give them a second chance.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: You are extremely judgmental, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I'm not extremely judgmental of the pot calling the kettle black. I spent two and a half hours with a man who talked about nothing but himself, his place, his car. . .
EMILY: He's proud of his accomplishments. What's wrong with that?
LORELAI: He didn't end world hunger, Mom. He simply made the grueling decision to spring for the bigger tires.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Mom, you know what, I have to go.
EMILY: We're not finished discussing this.
LORELAI: There's nothing to discuss. Rory's waiting. I'll see you Friday.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table]
LORELAI: Ooh, I got you a present.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: In my purse.
[Rory reaches into Lorelai's purse and pulls out a videotape]
RORY: Cardio Salsa.
LORELAI: Yeah, they play the Miami Sound Machine and you dance around, you get a really great workout.
RORY: Why would you buy me this?
LORELAI: Because I'll feel stupid doing in alone.
RORY: Too bad.
LORELAI: Come on.
RORY: No way.
LORELAI: Salsa with me. Pretend I'm Antonio Banderas.
RORY: If you were standing in back of Antonio Banderas, I couldn't pretend that you were Antonio Banderas.
LORELAI: Don't you want your mother to live a long and healthy life?
RORY: Not if I have to do Cardio Salsa.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Nice knowing you, senora. Adios.
[Lorelai's cell phone rings]
LORELAI: I would salsa for you.
RORY: Well, luckily, you'll never have to.
LORELAI: [answers phone] Hello. . .oh, Dwight, hi, it's nice to hear from you, too. . .yeah, hey, how did you get my cell phone number? . . . oh, yeah, gotta love that Babette, huh? . . . oh, the lawn's fine. . .okay. . .okay. . .sure, Dwight, you have a safe trip. . .yeah, bye. [hangs up] It seems that Dwight has been checking the weather reports and Stars Hollow is going to be extra sunny for the next few days, so he was wondering if instead of watering the lawn twice a day for fifteen minutes, we could water it three times a day for ten minutes.
RORY: He should really get a dog.
LORELAI: Only if that dog doesn't mind using the bathroom at the gas station cause that lawn is definitely off limits.
RORY: True.
LORELAI: So, I have to get back to the inn. . .could you, um, water for me?
RORY: It was your idea to do it.
LORELAI: I can't, I have a China shipment coming in.
RORY: Do it tonight.
LORELAI: Dwight says it needs it now, and if we let that lawn die, he's gonna vibe us for the rest of our lives.
RORY: Not me, I'm going off to college next year.
LORELAI: You'll be home for holidays.
RORY: Maybe not now.
LORELAI: You would stay away from me on holidays just because of Dwight?
RORY: Hey, nobody wants vibing on the holidays.
LORELAI: Rory, please? I'm gonna be seriously late if I have to go all the way home.
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: Thank you. You're my favorite daughter.
RORY: You say that to all your daughters.
LORELAI: Yes, I do, but I only mean it with you.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Bye.
[Rory leaves; Lorelai's cell phone rings again]
LORELAI: Oh, Dwight, please, you are on a business trip get a hooker. [answers phone] Hello?
RICHARD: Lorelai, good, I'm glad I got you. I just wanted you to know that I am playing golf with Peyton's father Brennan on Sunday.
LORELAI: Okay. [pause] Wear sunscreen.
RICHARD: I will call you afterward and we can evaluate how to proceed from there.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
RICHARD: Well, I'm not sure how much damage has been done so I need some time with the man to assess whether or not a simple apology will work.
LORELAI: Apology from who?
RICHARD: From you.
LORELAI: For what?
RICHARD: For the way you treated Peyton.
LORELAI: Are you serious?
RICHARD: Of course I'm serious.
LORELAI: Dad, this is none of your business.
RICHARD: It certainly is my business.
[Lorelai walks outside]
LORELAI: No, who I date or do not date is absolutely none of your business.
RICHARD: Peyton's mother is in the DAR with your mother.
LORELAI: I know that.
RICHARD: She's also on the Opera Committee with your mother, the hospital board with your mother, the horticultural society with your mother.
LORELAI: I get it, they hang, what's the point?
RICHARD: This woman is a very important person in our social circle. She may have taken what you did the wrong way, which could affect her relationship with your mother.
LORELAI: Dad, all I did was not go on a second date with her fully grown son. There's no way she's gonna be mad at Mom for that.
RICHARD: Lorelai, you obviously do not understand the way things work in your mother's world. There is a certain protocol that must be followed, social rules that dictate proper behavior, and these rules must be very strictly adhered to.
LORELAI: Dad, I'm not going out with Peyton again, period.
RICHARD: Lorelai, let me tell you a little story. Now, two years ago, Sally Wallington's check for the winter formal bounced.
LORELAI: So?
RICHARD: It took her two weeks to replace the check.
LORELAI: So?
RICHARD: When Sally attended the next DAR meeting, she was served the last cup of tea.
LORELAI: Soooo?
RICHARD: Before this unfortunate incident, Sally Wallington always received the first cup of tea. When she was suddenly demoted, your mother moved up to the prime tea spot, and she's held that spot ever since. Now, she's very proud of that spot, and now she's afraid that this little incident may jeopardize it.
LORELAI: Dad, I explained this to Mom and I'll explain it to you. I'm not sixteen, I don't live with you anymore, I've been making my own decisions, romantic and otherwise, for a long time now and you can play all the golf you want but the subject better be letting chicks into the Augusta Golf Club because my love life is officially off limits.
RICHARD: Didn't you hear what I just said?
LORELAI: About the tea? Yes, I heard it, and I'm sorry, but it sounds insane.
RICHARD: Of course it sounds insane! It is insane, that is not the point.
LORELAI: Okay, then what's the point?
RICHARD: The point is your mother is upset, and I don't want her to be upset. Now, you may not understand her world, I may not understand her world, but it is her world, and in her world it is very, very important that she have the first cup of tea. And I don't care about your independence or what you told your mother or anything else you have to say if my wife wants the first cup of tea, she's going to have the first cup of tea, that's it! Now, I will call you after I play golf. [hangs up]
CUT TO DWIGHT'S FRONT YARD
[Rory turns on the sprinklers, then walks into the house. The phone rings]
DWIGHT: [on answering machine] Hey, it's Dwight, leave a message, I'm listening.
WOMAN: [on answering machine] Dwight, hi it's Doris. Doris, your wife, remember me? The woman who was asleep in bed when you snuck out the window like a spineless little worm! How dare you sneak out like that, you sniveling little pond scum sample! I should call Erin Brockovich to bring a lawsuit against your parents, you steaming lump of toxic waste! You really thought you could get away from me? From me? I would've found you sooner if I had bothered to look, but now I have, I found you, and all I can say is this I want my board games back! I want them back and I want them back now! And I will hunt you down to the ends of the Earth until I get them back especially the Trivial Pursuit!
[Rory walks outside and tries to turn the sprinklers off, but instead turns them up higher]
RORY: Whoa! Agh! [she tries to turn them off] Whoa, gross! [she gives up and pulls out her text pager] Dean, please have your pager with you, please, come on. Dean, come on! Damn you and your b*mb tendencies! Aw man! [runs away from the house]
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Rory, soaked from the sprinklers, runs down the street and bumps into Jess]
JESS: Whoa, whoa, slow down.
RORY: Get out of my way.
JESS: I like the new look. It's very Blue Crush.
RORY: Hilarious.
JESS: What's the matter?
RORY: Nothing.
JESS: You're walking pretty fast for nothing.
RORY: Well, our president said exercise and I am very patriotic.
JESS: And completely soaked.
RORY: Where is everyone?
JESS: Who are you looking for?
RORY: No one.
JESS: Rory, stop. What's the matter other than the fact that you're obviously out of towels.
RORY: This guy moved in across the way from us and we said we'd water his lawn and the grass can only be watered in ten minute increments, otherwise the lawn drowns, and the thing is stuck and it won't turn off and I have to find someone, Luke or Taylor or . . .[Jess starts walking away] Where are you going? Jess!
CUT TO DWIGHT'S FRONT YARD
[Rory follows Jess up the pathway to the spigot]
RORY: You don't have to do this. I didn't ask you to do this. I can just find someone else to do it. [Jess turns off the sprinkler] Aw, you made it look so easy.
JESS: Yeah, it was loose. You just had to press down and give it a good twist, that's all.
RORY: Well, thank you.
JESS: You're welcome. So things are good?
RORY: Oh, yeah, really good.
JESS: School?
RORY: Good.
JESS: Still gonna do the Harvard thing?
RORY: Yeah.
JESS: Good.
RORY: Yeah, good. So. . .[pager goes off] My pager.
JESS: Yeah, I figured.
[Rory checks the pager, then puts it away]
JESS: Who is it?
RORY: It's, uh, Dean. I paged him earlier to come over and help me and he just got the message, so he's. . .
JESS: Coming over to help.
RORY: Yeah.
JESS: Okay.
[Jess turns the sprinkler back on and walks away]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings, Emily answers the door]
LORELAI: Hi Mom.
EMILY: Hello Lorelai.
RORY: Hi Grandma.
EMILY: Hello Rory. That's a pretty sweater.
RORY: Thank you.
[they start walking to the living room]
EMILY: I do love you in blue, you should wear blue more often. Buy her more blue, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, I'll get right on it. So, I brought you something Mom.
EMILY: Oh really? Soda, Rory?
RORY: Yes, please.
LORELAI: Um, these are some pictures from Sookie's wedding. There's a great one of you and Dad dancing. I put them in an album for you.
EMILY: Well, that's very nice, thank you.
LORELAI: You wanna see?
EMILY: I'm making drinks right now, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Right, later it is.
EMILY: [hands Rory a glass] Here you go. [hands Lorelai a glass] Here.
LORELAI: Oh, guess I'm having wine.
EMILY: You didn't want wine?
LORELAI: Wine's fine.
EMILY: Give it back, I'll get you something else.
LORELAI: No, I'm good with wine, Mom.
EMILY: I can make you a martini, would you like a martini?
LORELAI: No, I just you usually ask me what I want, and tonight you didn't ask me what I wanted so I didn't have a chance to tell you how much I would love some wine.
EMILY: I bought some cheese to have before dinner.
RORY: Great, we love cheese.
LORELAI: It goes great with wine.
EMILY: I will be right back. [leaves room]
LORELAI: Boy, it's cold in here.
RORY: It's a lot colder where you're sitting.
LORELAI: Ugh. She's mad at me.
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: Think she's gonna be mad at me all night?
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: I guess I should go in there and talk to her.
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: You wouldn't wanna go in there and talk to her for me?
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: Good thing you don't get paid by the word.
RORY: The sooner you get in there, the sooner you get cheese.
LORELAI: Fine.
CUT TO KITCHEN
[Emily is preparing a plate of cheese as Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Need some help?
EMILY: No, I'm fine, thank you.
LORELAI: Mom, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
EMILY: Sorry for what?
LORELAI: Sorry about the whole Peyton thing. When I asked you for his number, I didn't think. . .
EMILY: Think about what?
LORELAI: Think about what would happen if things didn't work out with us. I mean, I know his mom is your friend, and I shouldn't have even gotten mixed up in this whole thing if I wasn't prepared to remember that what I do will affect you, and to me it's just a Bowie concert, but to you, it's not. I was a little thoughtless and I'm sorry, but you have to understand that I was not lying when I said we had a bad time. We had a really, really, really, really, really bad time. I swear, it was one of the worst times I've ever had, it was awful. Do you remember skiing with the Danners and their Dobermans?
EMILY: Oh, God, yes.
LORELAI: This was worse. And, by the way, not just for me it was pretty bad for him, too. It wasn't like he was in love and I was miserable. We were both in pain deep pain, Marathon Man kind of pain. But despite all of this horrible pain that we were both in, and would be in again if we had to spend one more second together, if you really want me to, I will go to the Bowie concert with him.
EMILY: Well, your saying that means a lot.
LORELAI: Hm.
EMILY: Thank you, Lorelai. Borrow Rory's sweater when you go. [leaves room]
LORELAI: [sings] Ground control to Major Tom. . .
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x05 - Eight O'Clock at the Oasis"} | foreverdreaming |
3.06 - Take the Deviled Eggs
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Jamie Babbit
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[A bunch of catalogs are spread on the kitchen table, and Lorelai is going through them as Rory walks out of her bedroom]
RORY: Morning.
LORELAI: Morning.
RORY: Wow, someone woke up in project mode today.
LORELAI: I'm like the army, baby. I get more done before nine o'clock in the morning than others get done all day.
RORY: Well, as long as you don't abandon it mid-project.
LORELAI: I do not do that.
RORY: Make your own seashell candles.
LORELAI: Aw, not fair.
RORY: The place smelled like melted crayons for three weeks.
LORELAI: This is different.
RORY: Fine, what's the project?
LORELAI: This is a pile of every catalog we have received for the last three months.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: I have gathered them all together, and I will now proceed to call all the companies that are sending us duplicates and tell them to stop.
RORY: That's very environmental of you.
LORELAI: It's getting ridiculous. We get, like, eight of some of these.
RORY: You're kidding.
LORELAI: Check this out. [picks up a stack of catalogs] This is a stack of identical catalogs mailed to Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore, Lorelai Rory Gilmore, Lorelai V. Gilmore, Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, Lorelai Gilmo, Lorelai Gil, and Squeegy Beckinheim.
RORY: How'd that get in there?
LORELAI: I once told a store my name was Squeegy Beckinheim just to see how many catalogs they would sell my name to, and apparently my name is to catalog companies what Brooke Shields' picture is to Chinese restaurants.
RORY: How many?
LORELAI: Ten.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: Including one we were already getting seven catalogs from.
RORY: So apparently you made the problem worse.
LORELAI: Unintentionally.
[Rory reads the label on another catalog]
RORY: This one is addressed to Tookie Clothespin.
LORELAI: Oh, I forgot my code name at the second store I tested, so I told them it was Tookie Clothespin.
RORY: Which means we get even more catalogs.
LORELAI: Again, it was unintentional.
RORY: When you start a forest f*re unintentionally, it's still your fault.
LORELAI: You're putting calling myself Squeegy Beckinheim and Tookie Clothespin on a level with starting a forest f*re?
RORY: It's k*lling trees.
LORELAI: You're depressing me now.
RORY: Well, get on the phone and stop the madness. That'll cheer you up.
LORELAI: I need coffee.
RORY: There's more coffee.
LORELAI: I should get ready, too.
RORY: You're stopping mid-project.
LORELAI: I'm bored.
RORY: Then don't start these projects.
LORELAI: I promise I'll finish. I just wanna check on the seashells.
RORY: These catalogs will be sitting here forever.
LORELAI: No, they won't. They're biodegradable.
RORY: Come on, I'll call half, you call half, okay?
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: You do yours first, then I'll do mine.
RORY: Hey!
LORELAI: We only have one phone. You're young. You'll dial faster. [leaves room]
RORY: Squeegy!
[opening credits]
CUT TO MISS PATTY'S STUDIO
[There's a town meeting going on]
TAYLOR: The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the street lights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I dare say that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose.
BABETTE: You get dumped on, Taylor?
TAYLOR: It's not just me. . .
LUKE: Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I'll pay top dollar.
KIRK: I'll check the internet.
MISS PATTY: Taylor, all animals have to. . .you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
TAYLOR: Easy. Put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures, then when they land, pow they're shish-kabobs.
RORY: That's cruel.
BABETTE: You can't do that.
ANDREW: I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
LORELAI: There it is our new town slogan.
RORY: I like it.
LORELAI: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
RORY: Don't forget stuffed shish-kabobbed birds.
LORELAI: That moan when you squeeze them.
[a man enters through the large sliding door]
JESUS: Excuse me.
TAYLOR: May I help you, sir?
JESUS: Yes, I was looking for. . .ah, there she is. . .uh, Patricia.
LORELAI: Patricia. . .well, well, well.
EVERYONE: Woooooooo!
MISS PATTY: Now stop it.
JESUS: Are you ready?
MISS PATTY: I'm right in the middle of something, Jesus, but I'll be right out. Patience.
JESUS: Okay. [walks out]
TAYLOR: Now, as we were saying. . .
BABETTE: Who's the fox, Patty?
TAYLOR: Excuse me.
MISS PATTY: I met him at a funeral. Great guy, good dancer, Latin. . .
EVERYONE: Wooooooo!
TAYLOR: People, order please.
LORELAI: He better treat you right, this guy.
BABETTE: Yeah, how well do you know him?
MISS PATTY: Well, I just met him.
KIRK: I could look him up on the internet.
TAYLOR: People, please! Now, due to the lack of response, we'll hold off on the bird spikes.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: Let Miss Patty's date begin.
[Babette hands Patty a camera]
BABETTE: It's a digital. I want a full visual account.
TAYLOR: Hold it. There's one more issue that must be addressed before we can adjourn. All right. Now, that weird, taciturn fellow who's always walking around with his backpack has put in an absurd request to stage a protest in the town square.
LORELAI: The town loner?
LUKE: That guy still lives around here?
BABETTE: Somewhere in the hills, right?
LUKE: I thought he was long gone.
ANDREW: No, he came into the bookstore a couple times last month, never said a word.
MISS PATTY: He's a bit creepy.
TAYLOR: Very creepy.
LORELAI: But he's our Boo Radley, and we don't have a Boo Radley, unless you count the troubadour or Pete the pizza guy or the guy who talks to mailboxes.
RORY: Well, I think the point is that every town needs as many Boo Radleys as they can get.
LORELAI: Yes, that's my point.
MISS PATTY: What's he protesting, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Well, that's not indicated here, but it doesn't matter, because protesting is not allowed in the town square, period. It's un-American.
LUKE: You mean like the Revolutionary w*r?
BABETTE: And Rosa Parks?
TAYLOR: That's different. They were against the British and buses. No one likes the British or buses.
[Jesus walks in again]
MISS PATTY: Yes, dear, what is it?
JESUS: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I heard my name.
MISS PATTY: No, he said buses, dear, not Jesus.
JESUS: Sounded like Jesus. [leaves]
TAYLOR: Could this meeting be more disrupted?
LORELAI: I could do a soft shoe.
RORY: Yeah, while I pound out a b*at on the bongos.
BABETTE: Ooh, that sounds like fun!
MISS PATTY: I got bongos in the back.
TAYLOR: Seeing as how our attention spans are gnat-like tonight, as town Selectman I am refusing the town loner's request to protest and I am adjourning this meeting.
LORELAI: She's all yours, Jesus!
LUKE: We got nothing of substance done in this meeting.
LORELAI: And the tradition stands.
[People start to leave; Lorelai, Luke, and Rory walk out together]
LORELAI: Hey, what do you know about this town loner guy?
LUKE: Same as everyone. Just kind of skulks around with that backpack, never smiles.
LORELAI: Does he also make cheeseburgers and secretly harbor a desire to wear a backwards baseball cap?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: [sings] They're cousins, identical cousins. . .
LUKE: Stop it.
[Jess drives by in a b*at-up car]
LORELAI: Well. . . look who's back behind the wheel. Lovely.
RORY: Mom, I'm gonna get going. I've got some studying to do.
LORELAI: Okay, babe. I'll catch up with you.
[Rory leaves]
LORELAI: When did Jess get a car?
LUKE: Oh, uh. . .recently.
LORELAI: Where'd he get it?
LUKE: He got it from a guy around here, at a place.
LORELAI: A guy at a place?
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: You had no idea he had a car, did you?
LUKE: Not in the least.
LORELAI: Ah, way to have a handle on things, Luke.
LUKE: Well, he doesn't share a lot with me, you know? And he's got a license. What can I do?
LORELAI: Stop him before he kills.
LUKE: He's not gonna k*ll anyone.
LORELAI: He's got a bad track record with cars.
LUKE: Yeah, I know, okay? I'm not exactly thrilled with this.
LORELAI: Okay. I'm sorry. It's your thing. I'll just butt out now.
LUKE: Where'd he get the money?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: For the car. Where'd he get it?
LORELAI: I don't know. Working at the diner?
LUKE: I can barely afford a car on the money I get working at the diner.
LORELAI: Maybe it was a gift from someone. . .who doesn't know it's gone yet.
LUKE: Thanks.
LORELAI: I'm helpful, aren't I?
LUKE: Bye.
LORELAI: Bye.
[Lorelai leaves; Luke walks over to Jess]
LUKE: Hey.
JESS: Hey.
LUKE: So. . .you got a car.
JESS: Motor Trend's not gonna be giving it any awards, but it'll get me from point A to point B.
LUKE: Yeah, I guess it'll get you around. So, uh. . .where'd you get the money for it?
JESS: Mugged an old lady.
LUKE: Jess.
JESS: It didn't cost that much.
LUKE: What's not much?
JESS: Less than a lot?
LUKE: Jess, where did you get the money?
JESS: You know that hash you sling at the diner? I scrape it off the plates in the back. Remember I work for you?
LUKE: Yeah, I know you do.
JESS: Okay, then.
LUKE: I also know I don't pay you enough to buy the car.
JESS: I saved up my pennies and I bought the car from Gypsy. She gave me a good deal. That's how I got the car.
LUKE: Okay, so you bought a car. Now, the price of the car is just one small thing. It's just the beginning.
JESS: Oh, yeah?
LUKE: Did you take the additional expenses into account?
JESS: Like. . .
LUKE: Insurance?
JESS: I'm in good hands.
LUKE: Liability, uninsured motorist?
JESS: All the paperwork's in the glove compartment. Feel free to check it out.
LUKE: Money for gas?
JESS: You mean this didn't come with a never empty magical t*nk?
LUKE: Jess.
JESS: I factored that in.
LUKE: You're gonna have repairs.
JESS: Yeah, and I can fix most of them myself and save up for the rest. Plus, I'm gonna make sure to replace the oil every couple months.
LUKE: Right, I bet you didn't think of that, the oil. That costs money.
JESS: I'm the one that brought it up. You're the one that didn't think of it.
LUKE: No, but. . .I just. . .
JESS: Sign this. [hands him a piece of paper]
LUKE: The registration?
JESS: I'm still a minor.
LUKE: I don't have a pen.
[Jess hands him a pen]
LUKE: I guess it's okay that someone else's name is crossed out on it and that yours it written in.
JESS: Yup.
LUKE: Just checking. [signs it and hands it back]
JESS: Thanks. I'm glad we had this talk.
LUKE: Yeah, same here.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is studying on the couch as Lorelai walks through the front door with the mail]
LORELAI: Hello!
RORY: I'm in here!
LORELAI: Wow, you b*at me home by two minutes and your nose is already in the books.
RORY: I can go from zero to studying in less than sixty seconds.
LORELAI: Very impressive. Mail call. [hands Rory a piece of mail]
RORY: What's this?
LORELAI: Mortgage payment. You mind picking it up this month sweetie, baby, cookie, honey?
RORY: No, not at all.
LORELAI: It's just something addressed to you.
[Rory opens it]
RORY: It's an invitation.
LORELAI: Hm.
RORY: [reads it] Oh.
LORELAI: An invitation to what? Oh, is it the White House again? Those boys never give up.
RORY: It's to Sherry's baby shower.
LORELAI: Who?
RORY: Sherry. Sherry Tinsdale. Dad's Sherry?
LORELAI: You're kidding.
RORY: It's at her and Dad's house on Sunday.
LORELAI: Wow, that is very weird. We haven't had contact with Christopher in months. She must know we're on the outs with him, right?
RORY: Yeah, but she may not know how on the outs.
LORELAI: Well, zero contact is maximum on the outs.
RORY: Yeah. . .although there may have been some.
LORELAI: Some what?
RORY: Some contact.
LORELAI: Oh. . .you've been in contact with Christopher?
RORY: Yeah, I'm sorry.
LORELAI: On, no, hon, don't apologize. You've always been totally free to talk to him whenever you want. I've told you that. I mean, he's your dad, right? So don't apologize.
RORY: Okay, I take the apology back.
LORELAI: I think it's good you've been talking to him. It is a little weird you didn't tell me, though.
RORY: Yeah, sorry.
LORELAI: Will you stop apologizing?
RORY: Even when I feel like I should apologize, I can't apologize?
LORELAI: Yeah, it's a little annoying.
RORY: Sorry.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: I'm just trying to lighten the mood here.
LORELAI: The mood is light. I just hate that you thought you had to hide something like that from me.
RORY: I just kind of felt like I was betraying you or something.
LORELAI: Well, you weren't.
RORY: I know that now.
LORELAI: So, how much contact have you had with him?
RORY: Not tons. He emailed me a month or so ago, I emailed him back, and now we occasionally talk on the phone.
LORELAI: Does he ever ask about me?
RORY: What answer will freak you out the least?
LORELAI: The honest one.
RORY: Yes, he asks about you because Dad will always care for you very much, you know that. Do you want me to say hello for you next time we talk?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Fine. [holds up invitation] What should I do about this?
LORELAI: It's your call.
RORY: I guess being in Dad's world automatically means being in Sherry's.
LORELAI: And it is your little half brother or sister she's carrying.
RORY: I know, it's weird.
LORELAI: Sort of a good reason to make some connection with her.
RORY: Yeah, but it's gonna be one of those brunchy quichey things where I don't know anyone, and it's all the way in Boston.
LORELAI: I'll drive you there if you want.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah, I'll do some Boston shopping while you quiche it.
RORY: And we can set up some sort of SOS signal that I can page you with if I want to bail early?
LORELAI: Sure.
RORY: What should the SOS signal be?
LORELAI: How about. . .SOS?
RORY: Perfect.
LORELAI: So you're going.
RORY: I guess I'm going.
LORELAI: Good, I think you've made the right decision.
RORY: So do I. And I shouldn't have hid that I'm talking to Dad. I'm really s
LORELAI: Ah!
RORY: Starving.
LORELAI: I'll get some ice cream.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is behind the counter as Jess walks down from upstairs]
LUKE: You're up early.
JESS: I got a few errands to run.
LUKE: You got time before school?
JESS: I got wheels.
LUKE: Right, right, you got wheels. [Jess takes a donut from the display] Lid.
JESS: By the way, I owe you ten bucks.
LUKE: When did I loan you ten bucks?
JESS: Last night.
LUKE: I wasn't here last night.
JESS: You're always here, Uncle Luke in my heart.
LUKE: You took money out of the register
JESS: I'm going to the bank now. You'll get it back today.
LUKE: I told you a hundred times, do not take money out of the register.
JESS: Gotta run.
LUKE: Lid.
[Jess leaves, and Luke watches him out the window. Kirk, sitting at a table, clears his throat]
LUKE: Oh, uh, what can I get you, Kirk?
KIRK: Patty melt and a coke.
LUKE: You want the melt cut into squares or stars today?
KIRK: Half and half?
LUKE: Okay, coming right up.
KIRK: Thanks. [looks out the window at Jess' car] Man, that car's a honey. Duel piston cams, diplex overdrive with maximum torque, sixteen liter side by side, f*ring three on one. . . sweet.
LUKE: Kirk, none of that makes any sense.
KIRK: What?
LUKE: I know a little about cars, that was all gibberish.
KIRK: Oh, well, would you mind not telling people about this? I've cultivated a reputation as sort of a car aficionado and in reality, all I have is a Jan and Dean record.
LUKE: I'll keep it to myself.
KIRK: I should probably listen to it again.
LUKE: Yeah, I would.
KIRK: Man, I wish my mom would let me have a car. . .or a bike. . .or my roller skates back.
CUT TO HEWES BROTHERS' GARAGE
[Gypsy is looking under Jackson's truck]
GYPSY: You don't take care of it.
JACKSON: I take great care of it.
GYPSY: This truck doesn't like you.
JACKSON: Oh, is it talking to you now?
GYPSY: Your transmission's sh*t.
JACKSON: I shift up and down a lot.
GYPSY: Mr. Grind-it-til-you-find-it, huh?
JACKSON: Just tell me what needs doing.
GYPSY: Be faster to say what doesn't need doing.
JACKSON: Whatever you want.
GYPSY: You ride your breaks. Bad for the truck, good for me. I like replacing brakes. Pays for the cable TV.
JACKSON: No problem. How bout I just make the check out directly to your cable company, would that be easier for you?
GYPSY: Yeah, thanks. And get some extra checks cause you're gonna be making one out to my milkman, too. Oh, and looky here, you just bought me a couch. [Luke walks up to them] Hey Luke.
LUKE: Hey Gypsy. I don't wanna interrupt.
JACKSON: No, please, interrupt. I need a little break from the gaiety. [walks away]
GYPSY: What can I do for you?
LUKE: Uh, well, uh, Jess came home with this car and it says on the slip that he bought it from you.
GYPSY: Yup, it's working great, if that's what you're wondering.
LUKE: No, I know that, it's just, uh. . . he paid you for it, right?
GYPSY: Nothing's free at Gypsy's.
LUKE: And he paid cash?
GYPSY: Mostly twenties.
LUKE: Did you make sure Andrew Jackson was on the bills, not Alfred E. Newman or someone?
GYPSY: Looked real to me.
LUKE: Well, when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a g*n fall out?
GYPSY: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.
LUKE: Really?
GYPSY: No.
LUKE: Good.
GYPSY: Guys are stupid.
LUKE: What?
GYPSY: You strip your gears, you ride your breaks, and if we don't laugh after we make a joke, you think we're serious.
JACKSON: I don't ride my brakes!
LUKE: I just want to make sure it was on the up and up.
GYPSY: Hey, when people come in with cash, I don't ask where it comes from, do you?
LUKE: Nah, I guess I don't. Thanks.
GYPSY: Anytime.
[Luke leaves; Gypsy looks under the hood of Jackson's truck]
GYPSY: Oh, goody, a trip to Florida!
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Taylor, a priest, and a rabbi are sitting at a table in mid-conversation]
TAYLOR: This is outrageous. The town unanimously refused to let that loner freak protest in the square. Why would the two of you consider allowing him to do it from the steps of your church?
REVEREND: The town didn't refuse him, Taylor you did.
TAYLOR: So you're spearheading this revolt, Reverend?
RABBI: Reverend Skinner and I share the church for services, Taylor, so if there's gonna be a protest, it'll be a joint decision. Ugh, I can't even look at this mayonnaise.
REVEREND: I got it, David. [moves the mayonnaise bottle]
RABBI: Thanks, Archie.
TAYLOR: I could still ban it. I could get the town council together, find something on the books. I'm sure there's a way.
REVEREND: The church is exempt from your town statutes, Taylor.
RABBI: We answer to a higher authority. . . like the hot dog.
REVEREND: I laugh every time you say that.
RABBI: I know. Funny is funny.
TAYLOR: Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either.
REVEREND: Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God.
RABBI: Thirty years I'm working for God, I haven't received so much as a card.
REVEREND: Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?
RABBI: Do you have a God phone, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Rabbi, please.
REVEREND: What's he like? For us common folk who've never met him?
RABBI: Is he short, is he tall?
REVEREND: Does he like to laugh?
RABBI: Is the whole shellfish thing really serious? Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials. . .
REVEREND: They look good, huh?
RABBI: Oh, with the melted butter? Oh my God.
TAYLOR: Can we stay serious for a minute here?
REVEREND: You're too uptight, Taylor.
RABBI: And no matter how much steam blows out of your ears, our decision will be final.
TAYLOR: So it's hardball, huh? Well, the council gave you special permission to run bingo out of that building. We could withdraw it.
RABBI: At your peril.
TAYLOR: Meaning?
RABBI: You're gonna tell my little old ladies, my bubbies, you're shutting down their bingo?
TAYLOR: I'm not afraid of your bubbies, Rabbi.
REVEREND: Oh, God, thank you for letting me be in the room when Taylor said that.
TAYLOR: Well, gentlemen, I would sincerely like to thank you for wasting my time.
REVEREND: Our pleasure, Taylor.
TAYLOR: I can't believe that you, Reverend Skinner, of all people, would do this to me after all the support I've given you over the years.
REVEREND: All the support? Taylor, you're a Sunday Protestant. You come in, you say Hi God', you sing a song, and you leave.
TAYLOR: I always leave a dollar!
REVEREND: For your singing voice, you should leave two.
TAYLOR: Well, fine, if you feel like that, maybe I will just stop showing up altogether. Maybe I'll convert to something else and give them my generous weekly donation.
REVEREND: Do you want him?
RABBI: Not after the whole bubbies thing.
REVEREND: Maybe the Shakers in Woodbury would take him.
RABBI: Yeah, he's already got the beard. Can you make furniture, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Goodbye gentlemen.
[Taylor leaves; Luke enters the diner and walks up to Caesar]
LUKE: How's it going?
CAESAR: Ah, pretty slow.
LUKE: Hey, is Jess upstairs?
CAESAR: I haven't seen him.
LUKE: Okay, thanks.
[Luke goes upstairs and walks into his apartment]
LUKE: Jess?
[Luke starts going through Jess' dresser drawer. The phone rings, startling him]
LUKE: [answers phone] Hello? . . . Oh, hey Randy, what's up?. . . Well, someone's gotta take care of it, you know? It's not going to take care of itself. . . .I understand, I get it. What else?. . . Mmhmm. . .
[While on the phone, Luke continues looking through Jess' stuff]
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Rory and Lane are walking down the street]
RORY: So do you think I got a good gift?
LANE: It's foolproof.
RORY: It's not very original.
LANE: A new mother can't have too many baby blankets. Not with the insane amount of stuff constantly oozing out of a baby's every orifice.
RORY: Ew.
LANE: I just call it like I see it.
RORY: Well, call it less graphically.
LANE: The very concept of childbirth is vaguely disturbing.
RORY: Yeah. Kids are cool and all, but getting there seems like a big cosmic joke.
LANE: Definitely thought up by a man.
RORY: My mom said that when she told me where babies come from.
LANE: My mom still hasn't told me.
RORY: Really?
LANE: When my cousin got pregnant, she said it's because an angel brushed its wings against her face.
RORY: I could fill you in on the details sometime if you want.
LANE: No thanks, I've picked it up off the streets.
[they pass Jess' car]
LANE: That's new.
RORY: Is it?
LANE: I've never seen it before, and I'm very into the minutia around here.
RORY: That's for sure.
LANE: Do you know whose it is?
RORY: Yup.
LANE: Whose?
RORY: Jess'.
LANE: Jess? Jess, the guy who wrecked your car? He's got a car now?
RORY: Mmhmm, looks that way.
LANE: That's outrageous! That's a travesty!
RORY: It's not that big a deal.
LANE: Oh, it's a humongous deal.
RORY: You're taking this very hard.
LANE: Because we're best friends, Rory. We're linked. I feel what you feel. Except for right now because you don't seem to be feeling anything and I'm incensed.
RORY: It's just a car. It's nothing to get excited about.
[Jess walks over]
JESS: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
JESS: Hey Lane.
LANE: Hey back at ya, tough guy.
JESS: What?
RORY: Lane. . .
JESS: Something wrong?
RORY: No. . .
LANE: Yes! You have a car.
JESS: I know.
LANE: Don't give me lip!
JESS: Lip?
RORY: Lane. . .
LANE: How'd you get the car, Jess?
JESS: I bought it.
LANE: Really, I thought you might've built it from parts left over from cars you've totaled.
JESS: What is your problem?
LANE: Don't play dumb. You know what you did.
JESS: I gotta go.
LANE: Yes, drive on away, we'll just keep walking. That's all Rory's been able to do these past few months lots of walking. She's got bunions because of you, mister!
JESS: Bunions?
RORY: I don't have bunions.
LANE: She's too nice to complain about her foot ailments.
JESS: Knock if off, Lane.
RORY: Just get in the car and go, Jess.
JESS: I didn't start this.
LANE: Well, you started it when you wrecked Rory's car.
JESS: Tell your friend to walk it off.
RORY: You walk it off.
JESS: I'm trying to drive off.
RORY: Then go.
JESS: Geez, how Andy Griffith is this town that people get so excited by a car?
RORY: It's not the car, it's who's got the car.
JESS: Okay, fine, you want it? Take it, I'm sick of this.
RORY: I don't want this piece of junk.
JESS: Right. I suppose Dean is already building you another car, something really snazzy.
RORY: Shut up and go.
JESS: Gladly.
RORY: Let's go.
LANE: Gladly.
RORY: [to Jess] Oh, and by the way, you left your bra in the back seat.
CUT TO BOSTON
[Lorelai and Rory pull up in front of Sherry's house. There are green balloons out front]
LORELAI: This must be the place.
RORY: I think the balloons confirm it.
LORELAI: No pink, no blue.
RORY: All green.
LORELAI: Aren't baby shower balloons supposed to reflect the sex of the baby? Blue for boys, pink for girls.
RORY: You would think.
LORELAI: What's green for, aliens?
RORY: I'll ask when I go in.
LORELAI: We're all set, right? Anytime you want out, just send up a flare.
RORY: I will.
LORELAI: Even if I'm half-naked in a changing room, I'll just grab everything and rush out.
RORY: You making a half-naked entrance would be funny.
[Sherry comes to the car window]
SHERRY: Hi!
RORY: Whoa!
SHERRY: Oh, I'm sorry, I totally snuck up on you.
RORY: It's okay, hi.
SHERRY: Hi, Rory. Lorelai, I'm so excited you came.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm just dropping Rory off.
SHERRY: Oh, don't go. Stay.
LORELAI: What?
SHERRY: Come to the party, please?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know.
SHERRY: I know that you weren't invited, but it's just cause my friends didn't think that you'd be comfortable. I told them not to worry.
LORELAI: Thanks, but I'm not really dressed for a party.
SHERRY: Oh, please. We're not formal here, you look fine.
LORELAI: Well. . .um. . .
RORY: Um, Mom kind of has plans.
LORELAI: Yeah, I got a couple credit cards burning a hole in my wallet.
SHERRY: Oh, go shopping some other time and come play with us. Please? There's just a bunch of people in there that Rory doesn't know, and having you here would make her so much more comfortable.
RORY: Oh, I don't mind not knowing anyone at the party, really.
SHERRY: That's nice, honey, but very unconvincing. Lorelai, I meant to extend the invitation to both of you. I just wasn't sure if you'd. . . Well, you know, there's lots of food, and booze for the lucky non-pregnant ones, and cake. . .it'll be fun.
LORELAI: Well. . .
SHERRY: I'll block your car with my stomach.
LORELAI: No, don't do that.
SHERRY: Please, it would mean so much.
LORELAI: Well. . . um, okay, sure.
SHERRY: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah, let's have a party.
SHERRY: Yay! [jumps up and down]
LORELAI: Ooh, watch it, you'll jiggle that thing right out of you.
SHERRY: A mother's perspective, thanks.
CUT TO SHERRY'S HOUSE
[Lorelai, Rory, and Sherry walk into the house]
SHERRY: Come in, come in.
LORELAI: Nice place.
RORY: Very nice.
SHERRY: Well, it's a work-in-progress. It was so bachelor pad before: rock posters, modular furniture, magazines everywhere. I would pick up a TV Guide and it would be three months old. [leads them to the living room] Well, here's the g*ng.
[Six women are gathered in the room, and they greet Lorelai and Rory]
SHERRY: You've got Gail, Jody, Maureen, Linda, Susan and Alice. | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x06 - Take the Deviled Eggs"} | foreverdreaming |
3.07 - They sh**t Gilmores, Don't They?
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Kenny Ortega
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Signs and banners are displayed in the town square promoting the upcoming 24-hour dance marathon. Lorelai is in Luke's Diner, staring out the window at the people walking by]
LUKE: What about that one?
LORELAI: Hm, no.
LUKE: Why not?
LORELAI: Too pale.
LUKE: So what?
LORELAI: Pale means sickly.
LUKE: Or sunscreen.
LORELAI: Or Mad Cow Disease.
LUKE: Pale does not mean Mad Cow Disease.
LORELAI: Have you ever had Mad Cow Disease?
LUKE: Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.
LORELAI: I need a great dance partner this year. Someone strong, non-clutzy, with lots of stamina. Ooh, how tall is that guy?
LUKE: Mrs. Coulter's about 6'2".
LORELAI: Oh. Four years in a row, I have come this close to winning. Last year, I swear to God, I had it!
LUKE: I know the story.
LORELAI: It was hour twenty-three.
LUKE: I know the story.
LORELAI: I'm dancing with Henry Ho-Ho McAphie the third.
LUKE: How many people heard me say I know the story?
[several customers raise their hands]
LORELAI: And Ho-Ho's fading, so I'm trying to buck him up, saying "Come on, Ho-Ho. Stay with me Ho-Ho," and then all of a sudden he starts yelling, "Stop calling me Ho-Ho, it's making me hungry!"
LUKE: Oh, hey, look, there goes Tommy Tune.
LORELAI: And out of nowhere, Kirk comes dancing by, waving a McDonald's hot apple pie in the air and of course Ho-Ho lunges for the pie and drops my hand and that was it. Kirk wins, I'm out. I'm gonna get that Ho-Ho someday.
LUKE: I'll help ya.
LORELAI: I wanna win.
LUKE: I know you do.
LORELAI: I need a partner.
LUKE: You'll get one. Keep looking.
LORELAI: Mm. [she stares up at him]
LUKE: Out there. [turns her head toward the window]
LORELAI: But, but, wait
LUKE: Pancakes, right? Coming right up.
[walks to another table as Taylor walks in]
TAYLOR: Breathe in deep, folks. Smells like fall.
LUKE: Get out, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Why?
LUKE: Just a code I live by.
TAYLOR: Oh. . .pffft. . .you. Listen, I'd like to run a little something by you.
LUKE: I'm busy, Taylor.
TAYLOR: I was just thinking how nice it would be if you could set up a little coffee stand at the marathon.
LUKE: Coffee stand.
TAYLOR: Yes. I mean, these people have to try and stay up for twenty-four hours. What better to help you stay up than a cup of nice strong cup of coffee, huh? What do you say?
LUKE: Sure.
TAYLOR: Really?
LUKE: For a buck a cup.
TAYLOR: Luke, this marathon is a charitable event.
LUKE: Taylor, we have been raising money to restore that stupid bridge for eight years.
TAYLOR: We're not raising money to restore the bridge.
LUKE: We're not?
TAYLOR: No, we have that money. The Tennessee Williams lookalike contest last month put us right over the top.
LUKE: Then what the hell is this dumb thing for?
TAYLOR: A tarp.
LUKE: A what?
TAYLOR: To cover the bridge.
LUKE: This is a first, Taylor. I actually need to sit down.
TAYLOR: Well, Luke, you know as well as I do that if we start renovations now, heading right into the snow and rainy part of the season, then everything we do is gonna get ruined, and there we are back at square one. If we are gonna do this right, then we are going to need a tarp.
LUKE: Taylor, you are asking me to donate free coffee to hundreds of people so you can raise money to buy a tarp.
TAYLOR: How bout fifty cents a cup?
LUKE: How bout I charge for cream?
TAYLOR: You would kick Tiny Tim's crutch out from under him, wouldn't you?
LUKE: If he asks for a free cup of coffee, gimpy's going down.
[Taylor storms out of the diner as Luke walks over to Lorelai's table]
LORELAI: Oh, whoa look at Taylor go. I wonder who he's dancing with.
[opening credits]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory and Emily are eating dinner]
LORELAI: This is amazing chicken, Mom. I mean it, really great.
EMILY: Thank you, Lorelai.
LORELAI: It's like super chicken. I bet it could fly. Have you tried tossing it out the window?
EMILY: All right, what's going on?
LORELAI: What? I like the chicken.
EMILY: Nobody likes the chicken that much, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I'm in a good mood.
EMILY: Why?
LORELAI: My God, it's my ninth grade homecoming dance all over again.
RORY: Homecoming dance?
LORELAI: In ninth grade, I got asked to the homecoming dance and I didn't think I would, and I was in a really good mood, and Mom got so annoyed that she made me go to my room.
RORY: Grandma?
EMILY: She was sitting at the table giving all the peas voices.
LORELAI: With a little encouragement, I could've been the Senor Wences of the vegetable set.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Okay, okay, okay. It'll come out soon enough. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I found a dance partner.
RORY: You did?
LORELAI: A good one.
EMILY: What are you talking about, a dance partner? A dance partner for what?
LORELAI: Our town is having a dance marathon this weekend.
RORY: It lasts twenty-four hours and the last couple left standing gets a trophy.
LORELAI: A big trophy.
EMILY: Well, that sounds very nice.
RORY: All the proceeds go to charity.
LORELAI: Which is great but did I mention the trophy?
RORY: I believe you did.
LORELAI: Cause it's big.
EMILY: Charitable events are wonderful things to take part in. There's nothing more rewarding than devoting yourself to making someone else's life better.
LORELAI: And whose life isn't better with a truly gigantic trophy around?
RORY: So who'd you get to dance with you?
LORELAI: Stanley Appleman.
RORY: Who's Stanley Appleman?
LORELAI: Oh, he's brand new in town. He works over at the hardware store, and the best part is, he used to be part of the touring company. . .of Riverdance.
RORY: Score!
LORELAI: I know! I'm completely jazzed. How bout you, Mr. Potato? I'm completely jazzed, too.
[a phone rings]
EMILY: What's that?
LORELAI: I think that's me.
EMILY: Lorelai, I've told you a hundred times to turn that thing off when you come to dinner here.
LORELAI: I know, Mom. I'm sorry.
EMILY: Can't you let it go to voice mail?
LORELAI: Well, see, I left Michel alone at the inn, and he's dealing with the roofers. I told him to call me if there was any trouble. [goes to answer the phone]
EMILY: Is that true?
RORY: I'm gonna let Mr. Potato field this one.
EMILY: I thought so.
[Lorelai answers the phone in the next room]
LORELAI: Hello? . . . What? . . . Oh, no no, no no, don't tell me that. . .Well, did you tell her how big the trophy is, because I am really not exaggerating here. . . How did your wife get a picture of me? Stanley, that is crazy! I don't wanna sleep with you. . . Did you tell her I don't wanna sleep with you? . . . Well, put her on the phone. I'll tell her I don't wanna sleep with you. . . Well, somebody has to tell her I don't wanna sleep with you. . . Why are you insulted all of a sudden? . . . Stanley? . . .
[Lorelai hangs up and walks back to the dining room]
LORELAI: Great.
RORY: What happened?
LORELAI: Stanley bailed.
RORY: No! Why?
LORELAI: Apparently, Miss Patty showed his wife a picture of me, and she thinks I look like Elizabeth Taylor, which makes her Debbie Reynolds, and Stanley Eddie Fisher.
RORY: That's crazy.
LORELAI: Especially if you've seen Stanley. He's no Eddie Fisher, trust me. Fisher Stevens, maybe.
RORY: Can't you talk to her?
LORELAI: Apparently, only at my own risk.
EMILY: Well, at least she thought you looked like Elizabeth Taylor. That was nice.
LORELAI: I have no partner.
RORY: You'll find another one.
EMILY: Elizabeth Taylor always did.
RORY: There's someone else out there, trust me.
LORELAI: I guess.
EMILY: Here. Have some more chicken.
LORELAI: Thanks, Mom.
EMILY: And if you'd like, later on, you can make my asparagus talk.
LORELAI: Well, maybe next week.
CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY
[Rory and Paris are standing at Paris' locker. Louise and Madeline are behind them, each kissing a guy]
PARIS: Okay, so, let's talk about Saturday.
RORY: What about Saturday?
PARIS: I think we need to work. The seventy-fifth anniversary issue of the Franklin comes out next month and I want it to be amazing.
RORY: I've got some great cover art lined up.
PARIS: Old pictures, new pictures?
RORY: Collage style with kind of a sepia-toned finish to it. Very classy.
PARIS: Okay, I like it. Time!
[Louise and Madeline stop kissing the guys and say goodbye to them]
LOUISE: See ya.
MADELINE: Bye.
[the four girls start walking down the hall]
MADELINE: So, what were we talking about?
PARIS: Working Saturday on the seventy-fifth anniversary issue.
LOUISE: Thanks for asking.
MADELINE: But you guys already have some decent stuff planned out, right?
PARIS: Madeline -- or may I call you Spicoli?
MADELINE: If you have to.
PARIS: This is the seventy-fifth anniversary issue. There is only going to be one seventy-fifth anniversary issue ever, and it's on our watch. We screw this up and we basically mooned a piece of history. Is that what you want? To B.A. history?
MADELINE: But I don't understand. Last year was the seventy-fourth anniversary issue of the Franklin.
PARIS: So?
MADELINE: So there's only gonna be one seventy-fourth anniversary issue ever and we didn't do anything special for it.
LOUISE: I think the cover was of a deep-fried Mars bar.
PARIS: That's because nobody cares about the seventy-fourth anniversary issue.
MADELINE: I bet the person who worked on it seventy-four years ago did.
PARIS: We're working Saturday!
[Paris and Rory walk outside]
PARIS: "Why are we working Saturday, Paris? What's so special about the seventy-fifth issue, Paris? Why does my head feel so light and yet not float away, Paris?"
[Paris sees Jamie across the courtyard]
RORY: What?
PARIS: What's he doing here?
RORY: I bet he's here to see you.
PARIS: He hasn't called me once. I haven't seen or heard from him since we had our date in Washington three months ago.
RORY: Maybe he wants to explain why.
PARIS: He was supposed to go away and never come back. I already wrote his name in my revenge notebook.
RORY: Paris, he knows you're standing here talking about him.
PARIS: What does he want?
RORY: Go over there and find out.
[Paris walks over to Jamie]
PARIS: What do you want?
JAMIE: I'm on break from school, I thought I'd come down and see you.
PARIS: But you never called.
JAMIE: I know.
PARIS: You lost my number?
JAMIE: Nope, I memorized your number.
PARIS: You didn't wanna use my number?
JAMIE: I was starting classes.
PARIS: In phone dialing? How's it going?
JAMIE: Look, Paris, this year's very important for me. I thought the last thing I needed was a distraction.
PARIS: Well, I totally understand. This year's very important for me, too. I'm focusing on getting into Harvard, and the last thing that I need is a distraction. . . so, good move. You saved us both a lot of distractions. Thank you, and good luck. [they shake hands, but Jamie doesn't let go] I need my hand.
JAMIE: If I let go, how fast will you run away?
PARIS: 3.2 seconds.
JAMIE: I thought so. Hey Rory.
RORY: Hey Jamie. How's Princeton?
JAMIE: It's good. Crazy, but
PARIS: Let go.
JAMIE: No.
PARIS: Yes.
JAMIE: Paris.
PARIS: Look, you don't have to be nice, you don't have to tie up loose ends. I get it, I'm a distraction. Now either pull a Boxing Helena, or give me back my hand.
JAMIE: Yes, talking to you would've been a distraction.
PARIS: I know. I heard you already. My God, find a pirate to sit on, okay?
JAMIE: However, not talking to you has turned out to be impossible.
PARIS: What?
JAMIE: I flunked a pop quiz in poli-sci because I couldn't stop thinking about you. Still want your hand back?
PARIS: I've got another.
JAMIE: I've thought a lot about this, and apparently you're a distraction that I'm supposed to have.
PARIS: You didn't have a bad time on the date?
JAMIE: Are you busy right now?
PARIS: Well
RORY: No, we're done. She's free.
JAMIE: Good. Let's go get some coffee. Bye Rory.
RORY: Bye Jamie.
[Jamie takes Paris' books from her and walks away]
PARIS: He took my books.
RORY: Well, go get them back.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory, Dean, and Lane are in the living room. Lane is on the phone]
RORY: Well?
LANE: Still ringing. [a moment later, she hangs up] He's home.
RORY: How'd he sound?
LANE: Homey.
RORY: Nice.
DEAN: I know this is a stupid question, but why can't you just talk to him?
LANE: Because yesterday he called to say that they were still looking for a rehearsal space and, uh, that he'd call when he had more news. So now I have to wait until he calls about the band and in between, I call and hang up on him. Pathetic.
RORY: Not so pathetic. I used to hang up on Dean all the time.
DEAN: You did?
LANE: I remember that.
DEAN: When did you hang up on me?
RORY: Right when we first met.
DEAN: You should've just said something.
RORY: I couldn't do that.
DEAN: Why not?
RORY: Because then you would've known that I was calling and therefore that I liked you.
DEAN: Yes, but I liked you, too.
RORY: Well, I know that now.
DEAN: You could've known that then.
RORY: Dean, please. This is a girl thing.
DEAN: Uh, okay. Tell me when I'm supposed to pay attention again.
LANE: I'm gonna love him forever and he's never gonna know it.
DEAN: He would if you coughed.
RORY: Dean.
DEAN: Sorry.
LANE: At least he's at home and not out with a girl.
RORY: Very true.
DEAN: He could be home with a girl.
RORY: Dean.
DEAN: Sitting here, staring at my pizza.
LANE: You think he was at home with a girl?
RORY: No, no, I don't.
LANE: I'm gonna call again.
RORY: Good idea, and pay attention to the background noise this time.
[Lorelai walks through the front door]
LORELAI: Ooh, cool, pizza.
RORY: Shh. She's calling Dave to see if she can hear a girl in the background.
LORELAI: Oh.
DEAN: I voted that she actually say something.
LORELAI: You're a boy, you know nothing about this.
RORY: Well, what'd you hear?
LANE: Quadrophenia.
RORY: Classy, but not date-like.
LANE: You think?
RORY: Definitely.
DEAN: What if he met a girl who's a major Who fan?
LANE: What?
RORY: Why are you causing trouble?
LORELAI: Rory, can I talk to you in the kitchen?
RORY: Oh, sure. [to Dean] Be good.
[Rory and Lorelai leave the room; Lane sits next to Dean on the couch]
DEAN: Go ahead.
[Lane starts dialing the number again]
[cut to Lorelai and Rory in the kitchen]
RORY: Okay, so, what's on your mind?
LORELAI: I think I figured out who can be my dance partner for the marathon.
RORY: Great! Who?
[Lorelai stares at Rory]
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Come on!
RORY: Forget it.
LORELAI: Just hear me out. First of all, you love me.
RORY: Not right at this moment, I don't.
LORELAI: You know how much this contest means to me. You'd never fall asleep or chase a pie.
RORY: I do not dance.
LORELAI: It'll be fun. We'll get all dressed up, and you're light easy to hold up when you get tired.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Plus, we got the whole mother/daughter gimmick going for us. The crowd'll eat that up.
RORY: I cannot dance with you.
LORELAI: Why not?
RORY: Because this is Dean's first marathon. We were gonna go and watch and hang out, he's totally looking forward to it. I told him about how Andrew gets in a fight with his date in the first fifteen minutes and storms off the floor. I told him about Taylor getting punch-drunk at hour fifteen and telling stories about how he always wanted to be a magician.
LORELAI: Rory, please.
RORY: And ooh, I told him about how when Kirk wins, he likes to take his victory lap around the floor to the theme from Rocky. I was gonna show him all those things, and I was gonna show them to him sitting down.
LORELAI: He can still come, and he can still see all those things, except if you dance, maybe that victory lap will be you and me instead of Kirk.
RORY: Okay, I'll tell you what. I was supposed to work on the Franklin this weekend with Paris.
LORELAI: But?
RORY: I will ask her if we can reschedule. If she says yes, then I will dance with you.
LORELAI: Oh, I love ya!
RORY: You should sell cars.
LORELAI: I should, shouldn't I? Hello, big fancy trophy.
CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM
[A teacher is addressing the class as Paris walks in late]
TEACHER: Take note of its form before treated. Make sure that your notes are completely legible since you will be turning them in with your result. Miss Gellar, hello.
PARIS: Sorry I'm late, Mrs. Savitt.
TEACHER: Is everything okay?
PARIS: Yes. I overslept.
TEACHER: You're kidding.
PARIS: No, it won't happen again.
TEACHER: Well, good. Okay, everyone, let's get to work.
[Rory walks up to Paris]
RORY: Paris, hi. Listen, I need to ask you something.
PARIS: sh**t.
RORY: Well, there's this big event that's happening in my town. . .
PARIS: Pig race?
RORY: Dance marathon.
PARIS: I was close.
RORY: It's on Saturday, and it's a twenty-four hour thing and my mother really wants to win, and her partner bailed on her and, long story short, I was wondering if there was anyway we could move this Saturday's Franklin thing to next Saturday.
PARIS: Okay.
MADELINE: What did she say?
LOUISE: I don't know. What did you say?
PARIS: I said yes.
LOUISE: She said yes.
MADELINE: She said yes.
LOUISE: [walks up to a guy] Are you free on Saturday?
GUY: Uh, no.
LOUISE: [to another guy] What about you? Come on speak.
MADELINE: [from across the room] Louise, I got two over here!
PARIS: So, we're done, right?
RORY: You had a good time yesterday.
PARIS: What was yesterday?
RORY: Yesterday was the day that you were all freaked out about the seventy-fifth anniversary issue of the Franklin and today's the day you're not.
PARIS: Rory, just because I agreed to postpone a newspaper session does in no way imply
RORY: You can't even stop smiling.
PARIS: I can, too.
RORY: Tell me.
PARIS: Okay. Well, we went for coffee, and he talked about how he had a great time on our date, and how he finds me fascinating, and how he thought about me all the time. Okay, there, happy?
RORY: Wow, he likes you.
PARIS: I left an impression.
RORY: You sure did.
PARIS: I still don't understand why he'd wanna date me. He's surrounded by college girls all day long who must be prettier than I am, and more experienced than I am. I mean, I'm sure they're all idiots, but usually that's the last thing a guy thinks about when he's looking for a date for the big game.
RORY: Well, Jamie must be special.
PARIS: Or Ted Bundy.
RORY: Absolutely. It's either one or the other.
PARIS: Hey. Can you do me a favor?
RORY: Okay.
PARIS: Don't say anything to Madeline or Louise about this.
RORY: About Jamie?
PARIS: Yeah.
RORY: But they're your best friends.
PARIS: Theoretically, yes, but the second I mention a guy they're gonna both start singing the theme from the Trojan Man commercial, and I just can't take that, okay?
RORY: No one knows until you give the word.
PARIS: Thanks.
CUT TO OUTSIDE STARS HOLLOW
[The morning of the dance marathon, Lorelai and Rory are walking down the sidewalk toward the high school]
LORELAI: I have to say, for a couple of modern girls, we have time-warped with the best of them.
RORY: Mm.
LORELAI: How ya doing there, champ?
RORY: Early.
LORELAI: Yes, it's a tad early.
RORY: No sun.
LORELAI: Well, he's not up yet.
RORY: I can't even open my eyes.
LORELAI: That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.
RORY: Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again.
[Babette is sitting at the sign-up table in front of Stars Hollow High]
LORELAI: Morning Babette.
BABETTE: Oh, morning sugar. You guys look terrific.
LORELAI: Thank you.
RORY: Babette, can I lay down on the table while Mom signs in?
BABETTE: Not an early bird, huh?
LORELAI: I need to get some coffee in her and we'll be fine. Kirk, however, is gonna be crying like a little teeny girl.
BABETTE: So what else is new? Okay, now you two go get your physicals, bring your release forms inside, and they'll get you a number.
LORELAI: Thanks. Come on, Snoozy.
[they start walking down the sidewalk toward Miss Patty's, and Sookie runs up behind them]
SOOKIE: Hey, wait up!
LORELAI: Oh, wow, look at you!
SOOKIE: Is it fabulous?
LORELAI: It is fabulous.
SOOKIE: Wait til you see Jackson's suit. It makes me want to ration sugar.
LORELAI: Where is Jackson?
SOOKIE: Oh, we already had our checkups, so he's going to sign us in and scope out a good spot on the floor.
LORELAI: Oh, it's so cool to be married. You have your own spot-scoper.
RORY: I'm gonna go say hi to Lane.
LORELAI: Okay, hon, hurry back. Remember, the sooner we get inspected, the sooner we get coffee.
RORY: Yeah, coffee. [walks into Miss Patty's]
SOOKIE: Okay, I have a problem.
LORELAI: Sookie, it's five-thirty in the morning. How can you already have a problem?
SOOKIE: Because I'm a multi-tasker.
LORELAI: h*t me.
SOOKIE: Last night, I made coq au vin for dinner, so of course the subject of children came up.
LORELAI: Of course.
SOOKIE: All of a sudden, completely out of the blue, Jackson announces he wants four in four.
LORELAI: He wants what?
SOOKIE: Four in four. Four kids in four years.
LORELAI: Good Lord!
SOOKIE: I know!
LORELAI: Well, who's he gonna have these kids with?
SOOKIE: Me, apparently.
LORELAI: What did you say?
SOOKIE: See, here's where, uh, the problem comes in.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: I think I said yes.
LORELAI: How is that possible?
SOOKIE: Well, I was totally shocked when he announced it and I sort of said, "O. . kay" and . . but I think he took it as, "Okay!" So, apparently, now I have to get busy.
LORELAI: Do you want four in four?
SOOKIE: No. But, I mean, I want kids. You know I want kids.
LORELAI: I know you want kids.
SOOKIE: But I thought maybe one. Two if the first one is really quiet.
LORELAI: Well, honey, you have to tell Jackson that.
SOOKIE: I can't.
LORELAI: Sookie, this is not like the fruit bowl his mother gave you. You can't stick four kids in the attic and just pull them out at Christmas.
SOOKIE: I know, but Jackson and I have never had a real fight. We're still newlyweds. We still sneak out of bed in the morning to brush our teeth, then get back in bed and pretend we just woke up smelling like that.
LORELAI: You don't have much of a marriage if you can't talk about the important things.
SOOKIE: I know. Do you think I'm crazy to not want four in four?
LORELAI: Four kids is a lot, and four years without a cocktail . . .
SOOKIE: Wow, hadn't thought of that.
LORELAI: Glad to shed some much-needed perspective on the situation.
SOOKIE: We'll take care of this today.
CUT TO INSIDE MISS PATTY'S
[Rory is standing next to Lane, who is stirring a big bucket of something]
RORY: Are you sure you don't need some help?
LANE: Yeah, it's okay. I finally got a really good footing.
RORY: What is that stuff?
LANE: Eggless egg salad. Though this year my mom added food coloring to make the egg-like product look more eggy.
RORY: Smart.
LANE: And every sandwich comes with your own personal pamphlet "Dancing for the Devil," an illustrated look at the effect of dancing on your chances of spending all eternity in hell.
RORY: Boy, her flames are getting really good.
LANE: Well, she just bought a new color printer. You can do a ton of stuff with it.
RORY: Cool.
[Mrs. Kim walks over carrying several bags]
MRS. KIM: Lane, get scooping! The minute air hits the bread, it starts to stale.
LANE: Okay, Mama.
RORY: I'm gonna stop by later and say hi.
LANE: Please do.
RORY: Bye, Mrs. Kim.
MRS. KIM: You have a pamphlet?
RORY: Yes, I do.
MRS. KIM: Take one to your mother.
[Across the studio, Lorelai is next in line for physicals as Rory walks over]
NURSE: Next.
LORELAI: Oh, good, just in time.
RORY: Sorry.
LORELAI: Hi there. Um, this is Rory Gilmore and I'm Lorelai Gilmore.
NURSE: Lorelai Gilmore?
LORELAI: Yeah, L o r . . .
NURSE: You don't look like you've recently suffered a face-altering car crash.
LORELAI: Uh, excuse me?
NURSE: You're also supposed to have buck teeth, a club foot, and alopecia.
LORELAI: Oh. I'm sorry, who told you this?
NURSE: My husband.
LORELAI: Your husband? Well, who's . . .Stanley Appleman. Your husband is Stanley Appleman.
NURSE: Mmhmm.
LORELAI: Okay, well, it's very nice to meet you. Stanley's said the nicest things about you. In the one tiny short conversation we had, you know, standing way far apart. You know, too far to touch, but close enough to hear all the wonderful things he said about his adorable, sweet-tempered, lovable. . . can we have someone else do our physical?
CUT TO INSIDE THE STARS HOLLOW HIGH GYMNASIUM
[Dancers start to gather on the dance floor as Taylor makes some announcements over a microphone]
TAYLOR: Any couple without a number will be disqualified. All couples must be touching at all times. All couples must remain moving at all times. The only time you may stop moving or stop touching is when you hear this horn. [blows air horn] That sound means you have ten minutes. Ten minutes to get a drink, to eat a snack, take a rest, or whatever it is you can do in ten minutes. And in addition to the ten-minute rest periods, every person participating has been issued a yellow emergency card. In case of emergency, a contestant may hold up the card and leave the floor for ten minutes. If your partner remains on the floor and moving the entire time, then the owner of the yellow card may rejoin them and the contest. First aid is available in Miss Patty's. Please, remember, that if you feel yourself getting lightheaded or having sh**ting pains or any other stroke-like symptoms, please move off to the side so that your collapse will not get in the way of the other dancers. All right, people, lace your shoes, pin those curls, because we only have three minutes left until we start.
LORELAI: Well, I believe three minutes is plenty of time for some coffee.
RORY: Yes, coffee, please.
[they walk over to Luke's coffee table on the side of the dance floor]
LORELAI: Hey, we're dying, load us up.
LUKE: It isn't ready yet.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Mommy.
LORELAI: What do you mean it's not ready? It's six in the morning. Nothing says coffee like six in the morning.
[Luke picks up a thermos and hands it to them]
LUKE: You did not get this from me.
LORELAI: Then who do we send our kisses of gratitude to?
LUKE: The eternal question asked yet again.
RORY: Thanks Luke. Strong.
LORELAI: Yeah? Hello.
TAYLOR: All right, folks. Everybody on the floor. We're two minutes away. I repeat, everybody on the floor, we are two minutes away.
[On the dance floor, Kirk and his partner walk up to Lorelai and Rory]
KIRK: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Kirk.
KIRK: Good luck to you.
LORELAI: And to you.
[Kirk and his partner walk away]
LORELAI: He's going down.
RORY: I hate to bring this up.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Kirk has very little in his life.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
RORY: He has no career, no girlfriend, no pet, no car. He lives with his mother, she won't even let him have his own key. The only thing he does have in his whole lonely pathetic existence is this marathon. If we win, if we take him down, if we take away that last little piece of dignity, then we leave him with nothing.
LORELAI: I wonder if he'll cry.
RORY: My mother, the Howard Roark of Stars Hollow.
TAYLOR: All right, everybody, grab your partners, make sure your numbers are securely fastened, and let the countdown begin!
EVERYONE: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!
TAYLOR: It's showtime!
[All the couples start dancing]
[Babette taps Morey on the shoulder]
BABETTE: I'm done, let's go.
MOREY: Okay.
CUT TO LATER IN THE MARATHON
[Six hours have passed. Kirk and his partner dance by Lorelai and Rory]
LORELAI: Hey Kirk, relax. Dancing's supposed to be fun.
KIRK: You know what will be fun, Lorelai? Jogging around your prostrate body with that shiny temple of silver importance hoisted in the air for all to see. That will be fun. [dances away]
LORELAI: Do you think serious Kirk is more disturbing than non-serious Kirk?
RORY: Actually, I think they're both about the same.
LORELAI: Come on.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Follow me.
[they dance over to Dean]
DEAN: Wow, you guys look great.
RORY: Hey, you came.
DEAN: Hey, you're standing.
LORELAI: Hey, we had coffee.
DEAN: I can tell. So, how's it going?
RORY: Oh, it's been pretty quiet so far. However, I do believe
ANDREW: [in background] You went out with Liam Neeson! Are you kidding me?
LORELAI: Right on time!
ANDREW: Why would you ever tell me that you went out with Liam Neeson? Why would you do that?
WOMAN: Because I was trying to be honest.
ANDREW: I don't believe that A, you actually went out with Liam Neeson, and B, that you would choose to tell me now at this moment that you went out with Liam Neeson!
WOMAN: Andrew!
ANDREW: No!
WOMAN: Andrew!
ANDREW: I can't stand Liam Neeson! [storms off]
RORY: See, fun!
LORELAI: And no one's even thrown up yet.
DEAN: Okay, well, uh, I'm just gonna go sit over there and watch for awhile. Maybe I'll get lucky.
RORY: Great.
LORELAI: Well, that's sweet. Spectator Ken.
RORY: Just keep dancing, you.
[Kirk dances by and flips his partner]
LORELAI: Flip all you want, pal. This ain't the Olympics. It's who's left standing at the end that matters, not how fancy you are getting there.
[Kirk and his partner dance away]
LORELAI: Let me flip you.
RORY: No way.
LORELAI: Come on!
RORY: You are not flipping me.
LORELAI: Fine.
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: You flip me.
RORY: No need, you've already flipped.
LORELAI: One cartwheel.
RORY: Silence.
[Jess and Shane walk across the dance floor to the bleachers]
TAYLOR: Unauthorized persons on the dance floor. Unauthorized persons on the dance floor. Security! Security! Security!
LORELAI: Well, look who's suddenly interested in dance.
RORY: Yeah, he's a regular Martha Graham.
[Rory watches Jess and Shane kiss]
CUT TO LATER IN THE MARATHON
[Fourteen hours have passed. Everyone is tired and dancing very slowly. Rory is trying to sleep on Lorelai's shoulder. Lorelai sees Kirk dancing toward them.]
LORELAI: [to Rory] Kirk.
RORY: Mm?
[they start dancing more lively until Kirk passes by]
RORY: How much longer?
LORELAI: Oh, chin up soldier. We should be getting a break pretty soon.
RORY: I hope so.
[Jackson and Sookie dance over to them]
JACKSON: Oh good, there she is.
SOOKIE: Jackson, please.
LORELAI: Hey guys.
JACKSON: Well, hey to you, too. Listen, I wanted to ask you, what do you think of my hair?
LORELAI: What?
JACKSON: My hair. How's it look to you? Any opinion?
LORELAI: It looks fine.
SOOKIE: Jackson, you're overacting.
JACKSON: You think? How bout you, Lorelai? You think I'm overreacting?
LORELAI: Jackson, what?
[a horn sounds]
LORELAI: Oh my God.
RORY: What, what?
LORELAI: The runaround.
RORY: The runaround? That does not sound good.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry.
TAYLOR: Ladies and Gentlemen, on your marks. . .get set. . .and go!
[all the dancers start running in a circle around the gym]
TAYLOR: Round and round they go, but when the song stops, nobody knows! But the last five couples that finish behind the red line are automatically out, so hold onto your partner and move, move, move!
MISS PATTY: You're getting too much pleasure out of this, Taylor.
[Jackson and Sookie are running behind Lorelai and Rory]
JACKSON: Hey Lorelai, just wondering, how's my running? Got an opinion on that?
LORELAI: Jackson, what's going on?
SOOKIE: Nothing. He's mad at me and he's taking it out on you.
JACKSON: Oh, I'm not mad. I just didn't realize that when I married Sookie, I also married you. I didn't realize I was a Mormon, my mistake.
RORY: I need to interject for one second to tell you that I hate you!
LORELAI: Thanks, honey.
SOOKIE: Quit trying to drag Lorelai into this.
JACKSON: Fine, I will. [walks off the dance floor]
SOOKIE: Jackson, wait! Yellow cards, right here! I've got them for the both of us. We'll be right back! [follows after him]
TAYLOR: One of you is supposed to stay here. Hey!
RORY: I think I'm going to die.
LORELAI: Me first.
RORY: How much longer?
LORELAI: I don't know. I just know that every year I block this part out.
RORY: From now on I'm going to remind you of it.
[Lorelai notices Kirk running right on their heels]
LORELAI: Kirk, what are you doing?
KIRK: I'm drafting you.
LORELAI: Well, stop it!
KIRK: You can't tell me where to run!
LORELAI: Kirk, I swear to God, don't make me come back there!
[a horn sounds]
TAYLOR: Ten minute break everyone, ten minute break. Well run. Ten minute break, everyone. Ten minute break.
[Several people, including Lorelai and Rory, collapse on the gym floor; Rory starts moving her leg around]
LORELAI: What are you doing?
RORY: I'm trying to kick you but I can't reach.
LORELAI: I would help you but I can't move.
RORY: Can I owe you one?
LORELAI: Yeah, no problem. Okay, okay, heart returning to normal. I have to go find Jackson and Sookie.
RORY: I'll get us a couple of sandwiches.
LORELAI: Good idea. [they stand up] This is fun, huh?
RORY: Uh huh, big fun.
CUT TO MISS PATTY'S
[Jess walks up to Lane's table]
JESS: So, not dancing?
LANE: Nope.
JESS: Why not? Too cool?
LANE: Go away, Jess. No one asked for a Tony Manero wannabe to drop by.
JESS: Hey, I'm just here for the food.
LANE: [hands him a sandwich] Here, enjoy, buh-bye.
JESS: I noticed Rory's not dancing with Dean.
LANE: Nothing gets past you, does it.
JESS: How come? Trouble in paradise?
LANE: Rory's dancing with her mother. Nothing's wrong with her and Dean, and you're blocking my sandwiches from the rest of the room.
JESS: I know. They're erecting a statue to me in the park next week.
MRS. KIM: Who are you?
JESS: Jess. . . ma'am.
MRS. KIM: [to Lane] Scoop more.
[Mrs. Kim walks away. Rory and Dean walk up to the table]
RORY: The sandwiches are for the dancers.
JESS: I'm dancing on the inside.
RORY: What are you doing here?
JESS: I live here.
RORY: You have nothing better to do than to sit around inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?
JESS: I don't know. [to Dean] Do you have nothing better to do than sit inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?
DEAN: I wouldn't direct any sort of comment toward me if I were you.
JESS: I'm just trying to support my town.
RORY: Good, then go back to New York.
JESS: Ooh. Zing. I've been snapped.
RORY: You think you're bugging me sitting in front of me staring like that?
JESS: You think you're bugging me dancing in front of me staring like that?
RORY: I'm not staring at you.
JESS: Then how do you know I'm staring at you?
RORY: I am dancing. I cannot control where my glance goes. And the few moments that I can control it, my glance goes to Dean, not to you.
JESS: So you can't control when you look at me, but you have to force yourself to look at him? Sorry, man. That's cold.
DEAN: My former comment still stands.
RORY: Go home.
JESS: No, thanks.
RORY: Then get out of my way.
JESS: Didn't realize I was in your way. There you go. It's all yours. God help you.
[Shane walks over to them]
SHANE: Where did you go? I've been sitting out there for twenty minutes.
JESS: The break's only for ten.
SHANE: It's just a saying.
JESS: I came to get food.
SHANE: Good, I'm starved.
RORY: The food is for the dancers.
SHANE: Who are you, Bobby Brady? Get a life.
JESS: Rory's feeling a little territorial today.
SHANE: Whatever. God, what is this thing?
DEAN: Rory, get your stuff and let's go.
JESS: Ooh, that was good. Now say then get in there and make me my supper.'
RORY: I got them.
DEAN: Come on.
JESS: See you in there. [they leave] I'm gonna get a soda.
CUT TO INSIDE THE GYMNASIUM
[Lorelai walks up to Luke's coffee table]
LORELAI: Have you seen Sookie and Jackson?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: I've looked everywhere for them.
LUKE: Have you tried the insane asylum where everybody in this room is supposed to be?
[Jackson and Sookie walk up to them]
JACKSON: Okay, I need to say something here.
LORELAI: Oh, I've been looking all over for you.
SOOKIE: I wish you would just drop this.
JACKSON: Contrary to your belief, there are some things in life that you do not have the right to have an opinion on.
LORELAI: What?
JACKSON: And the rate at which I have kids and the amount of kids I wish to have falls directly under that category
LORELAI: Sookie, what did you tell him?
SOOKIE: Okay, you see, once again, my communication skills not so good.
LORELAI: Jackson, I didn't mean to get involved in any of this.
JACKSON: No? Telling Sookie that she needs to immediately inform me that four in four is crazy?
LORELAI: Aw, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Yeah, it did come out something like that.
LORELAI: Aw man.
LUKE: What's four in four?
LORELAI: Four kids in four years.
LUKE: That is crazy.
JACKSON: Oh good, yes, let's open this up to even more discussion.
LUKE: One kid in four years is crazy.
JACKSON: Hey.
LUKE: Sorry, go ahead, drop another sucker in this mess.
LORELAI: Okay, raise your hand if you're not helping.
JACKSON: Does anyone here understand that a man has a right not to have his personal life debated in a public forum? I am not Winona Ryder.
SOOKIE: Well, I know that.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, Jackson, I didn't mean
JACKSON: My child-bearing arrangements are between me and Sookie.
LUKE: And the Lord. Still not helping?
SOOKIE: Jackson, just please calm down.
JACKSON: I will calm down. I'll calm down at home.
SOOKIE: But what about the contest?
JACKSON: To hell with the contest! I'm quitting the contest. That is, if it's okay with Lorelai, or Luke, or that strange man in the corner who I've never met. Excuse me, strange man in the corner? Is it okay if I quit this contest? [storms off]
SOOKIE: I'm so sorry. I got tongue-tied and things just started coming out and I couldn't stop them and. . .
LORELAI: Go.
SOOKIE: Jackson, honey, wait! [runs after him]
LUKE: Oh, they're gonna make great parents.
TAYLOR: All dancers back on the dance floor. All dancers back on the dance floor.
[Rory walks up to Lorelai and hands her a sandwich]
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Let's go.
CUT TO LATER IN THE MARATHON
[Twenty-three hours have passed. Taylor is drunk at the podium, babbling to Miss Patty]
TAYLOR: And then I'd say what is this in your ear' and I'd pull out a bright shiny penny and then whole room would laugh and clap.
MISS PATTY: Yeah, I'm sure they did, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Yeah. Have you ever levitated a rottweiler?
MISS PATTY: No.
TAYLOR: Not easy. But in a cape with a wand and a shiny black top hat. . .
[Taylor falls asleep. Patty tries to take his megaphone, but he wakes up]
TAYLOR: What are you doing?
MISS PATTY: Well, I was just. . .
TAYLOR: You tried to take my megaphone.
MISS PATTY: No, I just didn't want you to drop it.
TAYLOR: No one touches my megaphone. No one.
MISS PATTY: What do you mean
TAYLOR: Guards!
MISS PATTY: - no one touches your megaphone?
TAYLOR: Guards!
MISS PATTY: [pokes the megaphone] How's that. . .take that!
TAYLOR: Hey! Hey!
[cut to Lorelai and Rory on the dance floor]
LORELAI: Tell me a joke.
RORY: Knock knock.
LORELAI: [giggles] That was a good one. Ow!
RORY: You okay?
LORELAI: Oh no!
RORY: What?
LORELAI: My heel broke.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: My heel just broke off. Damn, these are brand new shoes, too.
RORY: They were made in 1943.
LORELAI: Well, I just bought them Tuesday.
RORY: I told you not to wear vintage shoes.
LORELAI: But the lady at the store said that they hadn't been worn a lot.
RORY: Yeah, but not a lot in sixty years is still a lot.
LORELAI: I gotta fix them. I'll use my emergency card. I'll be right back.
RORY: No, stop. If you leave, there's no way I'll be able to stand up on my own.
LORELAI: Ten minutes.
RORY: Nighty-night.
LORELAI: Fine, hold on. Dean, come here! Dean!
RORY: What are you doing?
[Dean walks over to them]
DEAN: Is everything okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, it's great. Stand here.
[Lorelai drapes Rory's arm across Dean]
DEAN: Whoa.
LORELAI: Look, I'll be back in ten minutes. Do not let her stop or lay down, do you understand me?
DEAN: But I
LORELAI: I need you, Dean. The team needs you.
DEAN: What team?
LORELAI: Pick a team it needs you. I'll be right back.
[Lorelai walks away]
RORY: I'm really sorry about this.
DEAN: Yeah, uh, it's okay.
RORY: Are you sure?
DEAN: Yeah. Actually, it's not bad at all.
[cut to Luke's coffee table]
LUKE: [to woman on the bleachers] I think that one's a goner, Miss.
[Lorelai walks up to him holding the heel of her shoe]
LORELAI: Hey, my shoe broke.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: I need you to fix it.
LUKE: Do I look like a cobbler to you?
LORELAI: If I say yes, will you fix my shoe?
LUKE: Let me see it.
LORELAI: I only have ten minutes please.
LUKE: I think I have some glue back at the diner.
LORELAI: Glue, yes we love glue!
LUKE: I wouldn't say that too loudly if I were you.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[Luke leaves, Sookie walks up to Lorelai]
SOOKIE: Hey. Are you guys out?
LORELAI: No, my shoe broke. Luke's fixing it.
SOOKIE: Oh, good. Listen, I just feel terrible about what happened.
LORELAI: I know. How's Jackson?
SOOKIE: Oh, he's fine. We went home, and he calmed down, and we talked. He totally understands and he's open to anything I want.
LORELAI: That's great.
SOOKIE: Now, tell me what I want.
LORELAI: No way.
SOOKIE: But I'm not sure.
LORELAI: Then flip a coin cause I am staying so far out of this.
SOOKIE: You're my best friend.
LORELAI: Yes, I am, and I can only remain your best friend as long as Jackson doesn't k*ll me.
SOOKIE: Lorelai. . .
LORELAI: Sookie, he's a produce man. They'll never find the body, but the squash will be especially chatty that year.
SOOKIE: Okay, fair enough.
LORELAI: Hey, take your time. That's it. That's all I have to say.
SOOKIE: Thank you.
[Luke returns with the glue]
LUKE: Got it.
LORELAI: Ah, good.
SOOKIE: Well, I'm going home to figure out what I want. Good luck. Call me tomorrow.
LORELAI: I will.
[Sookie leaves]
LUKE: So, how's that situation going?
LORELAI: Oh, it'll be okay.
LUKE: Good. Uh, listen, uh, I didn't really mean all that stuff I said earlier.
LORELAI: What stuff?
LUKE: Uh, the kid stuff, you know.
LORELAI: Oh, it's no big deal.
LUKE: Yeah, I know, I just. . .I'm not really as anti-kid as I might have come off.
LORELAI: Drop another sucker in. . .
LUKE: Okay, yes. I don't always have the patience for them. They tend to be a little squishy, and that freaks me out a little.
LORELAI: You don't have to want kids, Luke. Or like kids. It's not for everybody.
LUKE: I know, but. . .although I'm quite happy going an entire day without having to deal with somebody else's bodily functions, if I ever happen to meet the right person. . .well, it would be a discussion.
LORELAI: A discussion.
LUKE: Yes. Probably a short discussion, but still. Here, hold this. So what about you you ever think about having another kid?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know how much fun it would be without biology finals and headgear. . . but sure, if I ever happen to meet the right person, another kid might be nice.
[they stare at each other for a moment]
LUKE: Your shoe'll be ready in a minute
LORELAI: Thank you.
CUT TO MISS PATTY'S
[Lane is sitting out front. She gets up and walks back inside to the food table, and Dave walks up to her]
DAVE: One sandwich please.
LANE: Hi.
DAVE: Hi.
LANE: What are you doing here?
DAVE: Uh, well, you mentioned this thing last time we talked and it sounded very Blue Velvet so I figured I would come by and check it out.
LANE: What do you think?
DAVE: Uh, I think you held back.
LANE: Yeah, well. . .
DAVE: Anyhow, I hadn't seen you in awhile, and I thought I'd come down and maybe we could figure something out on this band issue.
LANE: Sure, we could do that.
DAVE: Plus, I missed you.
LANE: You did? You missed me?
DAVE: Well, yeah. Did you miss me?
LANE: Oh, yeah, definitely. I definitely, definitely missed you.
DAVE: Glad and relieved to hear it.
[Mrs. Kim walks over to them]
MRS. KIM: Who are you, what do you want?
LANE: Mama.
MRS. KIM: Do you know this boy?
LANE: Well
DAVE: Uh, no, actually, I just heard a bunch of people talking outside about the sandwiches and I thought that I would come in and maybe try one. I'm sorry, may I? [Mrs. Kim hands him a sandwich] Thank you. [takes a bite] That's delicious.
LANE: Really?
DAVE: May I have another one for later please?
MRS. KIM: Yes, that's fine. Take another one.
DAVE: Thank you. You know, my parents would love these sandwiches. I wish I could bring them by but unfortunately they're in private bible study right now.
MRS. KIM: Bible study?
DAVE: Say, how long are you serving?
MRS. KIM: Why?
DAVE: Well, I thought that if they got out in time I could bring them on over.
MRS. KIM: Well, the bread is only good for another twenty minutes, after that there's no point. You chip a tooth.
DAVE: Okay. So if I can get my parents back here in twenty minutes, then you'll still be serving, but in thirty you're done?
MRS. KIM: That's right.
DAVE: Great. So if for some reason I'm not back here in twenty minutes, that means that I'm gonna be over there, on the church steps, waiting for my parents to get out so that I can tell them about the great sandwiches that they missed. Okay? Okay, great. Thanks a lot and I hope to see you soon. [leaves]
MRS. KIM: I hope he comes back. He seemed hungry.
CUT TO INSIDE THE GYM
[Rory and Dean are still dancing. Jess and Shane sitting on the bleachers]
RORY: He's still there.
DEAN: What?
RORY: Jess. He's still there. I can't believe he's still there.
DEAN: Just ignore him.
RORY: Yeah. You know, this is a dance marathon. You're not supposed to come and sit and watch, you're supposed to dance. He's just trying to bug me, sitting there right in front of me, staring. Jerk.
SHANE: I'm bored.
JESS: Okay.
[they start kissing]
RORY: There they go again! God, I swear, why can't they just get a room? Or forget a room get a park bench, or a doorway, or even a strategically placed telephone pole would probably suffice. I mean, girls like Shane what is it with them? Don't they see what they look like? I know they have mirrors.
JESS: Hey, you talking about me?
RORY: No.
JESS: I heard you mention Shane.
RORY: Shane isn't you.
JESS: Shane concerns me.
RORY: Shane concerns me, too and all women, for that matter.
JESS: You got a problem here?
RORY: Nope. Just a little sick of seeing the two of you sitting there. If you're not gonna participate, then why don't you just leave?
SHANE: That works for me. Let's go.
JESS: No.
RORY: Why not?
JESS: Because I'm not ready to go.
RORY: Oh really?
JESS: Yes, really. I'm gonna sit here as long as I like, and I'm gonna do whatever I like, and if you don't like it, then just ignore me and pay attention to your boyfriend.
DEAN: Sorry, she can't. I'm not her boyfriend anymore.
RORY: What?
DEAN: You know, I tried to ignore this. I really did, but I don't know what the hell I was thinking.
RORY: What are you talking about?
DEAN: You don't wanna be with me, Rory.
RORY: Yes, I do.
DEAN: Oh, please! You've been into him since he got to town, and I have spent weeks months, actually trying to convince myself that it wasn't true, that everything was fine between us. But now I know that I was an idiot. You're into him and he's into you, and Shane, who by the way, should be listening to this cause it's so damn obvious.
RORY: What's obvious? What did I do?
DEAN: Everyone can see, Rory! Everyone. And I'm tired, but I'm over it, so go ahead, go. Be together. There's nothing standing in your way now, cause I'm out.
[Dean grabs his jacket from the bleachers and leaves]
TAYLOR: I don't see a yellow card. I don't see a yellow card. Excuse me, young lady. . .whose name I don't remember right now. . . ugh, no one listens to me.
MISS PATTY: I know, honey.
CUT TO THE BRIDGE
[Rory is sitting on the bridge as Jess walks up to her]
JESS: Dean's a jerk. Yelling at you like that, breaking up in front of everybody. . .the guy's a total jerk.
RORY: No, he's not. He's right. Everything he said. All those things about you and me, all those things about me lying to him, and messing with his head. He was right. Well, wasn't he? Fine, he was right about me, then. Now go away.
JESS: He was right. . . about all of it.
RORY: So, what now?
JESS: You're definitely broken up with Dean?
RORY: Yeah, I'm definitely broken up with Dean.
JESS: Okay. I have to go take care of something then.
CUT TO INSIDE THE GYMNASIUM
[Only two couples are left: Kirk and his partner, and another couple. The woman of the other couple falls to the ground]
KIRK: They're out! They're out! We won! We won! [runs over to Miss Patty and wakes her up]
MISS PATTY: Oh, oh, oh. Taylor, wake up! It's over. Taylor, blow the horn.
TAYLOR: [asleep on some chairs] . . .a quarter right out of your ear.
MISS PATTY: Taylor, the horn. Oh, for Pete's Sake. [Patty blows the air horn] Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner!
[Lorelai rushes over to them]
LORELAI: Wait, what are you doing? I'm here, I'm standing, I used my yellow card!
KIRK: I win, I win! I win, I win, I win, I win!
LORELAI: You didn't win! I'm still here! Patty, where's Rory?
MISS PATTY: Oh, she ran off the floor a little while ago, honey.
LORELAI: What? No!
KIRK: Yes!
MISS PATTY: For the fifth year in a row, ladies and gentlemen, the marathon winner is Donna Delain and Kirk!
[Lorelai sees Rory across the gym, and she walks over to her]
LORELAI: Rory, what happened? Where did you go? [sees that Rory is crying] Oh, Rory, honey! Oh.
[Lorelai and Rory hug while Kirk runs around the gym with the trophy]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x07 - They sh**t Gilmores, Don't They?"} | foreverdreaming |
3.08 - Let the Games Begin
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Steven Robman
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking slowly down the sidewalk]
LORELAI: Mmkay, still walking, all's good. Huh. Mmkay.
RORY: How are you?
LORELAI: I should probably keep moving.
RORY: God, my feet have never been in this much pain before.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, what about that time?
RORY: What time?
LORELAI: The time when I did the thing and your feet were . . .gotta stop.
RORY: Gotta sit.
[they sit down on a bale of hay]
RORY: Ugh. What were you saying?
LORELAI: About what?
RORY: About my feet.
LORELAI: What about your feet?
RORY: I don't know. You were talking about the thing you did to my feet.
LORELAI: What thing?
RORY: The thing that you. . .you and. . .huh?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: Just an observation you and I do not function well on a funky sleeping pattern.
RORY: I feel jet-lagged.
LORELAI: You've been up twenty-four hours straight.
RORY: Yes, why did I do that?
LORELAI: Because I asked you to.
RORY: And that worked?
LORELAI: At the time. I don't expect it to again.
RORY: A realist, I like that.
LORELAI: How far is Luke's?
RORY: It's right over there.
LORELAI: It looks far.
RORY: Very far.
LORELAI: Maybe if we concentrate really hard, our combined psychic powers will move it closer.
[they stare at the diner]
RORY: I don't think it's working.
LORELAI: It's my fault, I'm not focusing.
RORY: Yes, that must be why we can't move a half a city block closer to us.
LORELAI: All right then, let's go. On the count of three.
[Neither of them move]
[opening credits]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
LORELAI: Oh my God. Thank you.
RORY: I never realized Luke's was a hundred miles away.
LORELAI: We're lucky it wasn't snowing. It would've been The Donner Party all over again, but with slightly better hair. Why are you sitting over there?
RORY: Where?
LORELAI: At that table.
RORY: Huh. How did I get here?
LORELAI: You sat there.
RORY: Well, this chair's very close to that chair, so you understand how I could've made the mistake.
LORELAI: Move over here with me.
RORY: Why don't you move over here with me?
LORELAI: Because I'm not the one who sat in the wrong chair.
RORY: I think it's a little presumptuous to assume that my chair is the wrong chair when my chair could just as easily be the right chair.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Because I'm the leader of the clan, the provider of the household, the alpha male, and the one whose feet just fell asleep so there's absolutely no chance of movement.
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: Thank you. See, it's nice sitting at the grown-up table, isn't it?
RORY: Uh huh.
[Kirk enters the diner carrying his dance marathon trophy]
KIRK: Oh, excuse me, did my trophy bump you?
LORELAI: No, Kirk, it didn't.
KIRK: Good, because the size of it is so large that sometimes I can't judge where the exact end of it is.
LORELAI: We're fine, Kirk.
KIRK: I'm glad, because these shiny golden edges are actually very sharp. They could take an eye out or cause a deep gash completely unintentionally.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
KIRK: It's almost more a w*apon than a trophy.
LORELAI: Really? Can I hold it, then?
LUKE: Get out of the way, Kirk. You're blocking the door.
KIRK: Luke, I'll be needing one of your larger tables this morning, since your smaller tables simply cannot accommodate the sheer size of my massive trophy.
LUKE: Put it on the floor.
KIRK: It needs its own chair.
LUKE: It's gonna need some glue if you don't sit down pretty soon.
KIRK: Everybody hates a winner.
LORELAI: Hey, how bout one person gets pancakes and one person gets eggs and then we can share?
RORY: I can't, I have to go.
LORELAI: What are you talking about? It's
[Rory shows Lorelai her watch]
LORELAI: [gasps] It took us thirty minutes to get here?
RORY: Lots of limping.
LORELAI: Wow, sh**t. Well, at least grab a donut before you go. Hey, unh, Luke, uh, we need a couple of donuts, and, uh, some of those extra legs Heather Mills is sending over to Croatia.
LUKE: Coming right up.
[Jess walks down from upstairs]
JESS: Hi.
RORY: Hey.
JESS: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi.
JESS: Hi.
LUKE: Hi.
RORY: I have to get to school.
JESS: Yeah, me too.
RORY: Bye
JESS: Bye. Bye.
LORELAI: Bye.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Bye.
RORY: Bye.
LUKE: Bye.
[Rory leaves. Jess goes back upstairs]
LUKE: What the hell was that?
LORELAI: That was episode one of Rory and Jess: The Early Years.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Rory and Jess are together.
LUKE: Are you serious? What about Dean?
LORELAI: Dean and Rory broke up at the dance.
LUKE: They did? I was at the dance, how come I didn't know about this?
LORELAI: Because you're you.
LUKE: But why, what happened?
LORELAI: Jess happened.
LUKE: Wow, wow. So. . .
LORELAI: Yup.
LUKE: Wow. Well, this is great.
LORELAI: I'll tell Dean you said that.
LUKE: You know what I mean, Rory and Jess, Jess and Rory. I think this is great. Don't you think this is great?
LORELAI: I think Rory's seventeen and it's probably about time for a Jess.
LUKE: Look, I know Jess is a little tough sometimes, but he likes Rory and Rory's a good kid, hopefully she'll rub off on him.
LORELAI: You know what, I've spent a lot of time and energy fighting the whole Jess thing. Rory's made her choice, I want her to be happy. I'm just hoping for the best at this point.
LUKE: Very romantic.
LORELAI: Says the man who yelled "Finally!" at the end of Love Story.
LUKE: I'll get you coffee.
LORELAI: Thank you very much.
CUT TO THE ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, and Richard are sitting at the table. Emily is standing at the doorway to the kitchen]
EMILY: Do it again, please! [walks to her seat at the table] I'm not quite sure what other way there is to say no walnuts in the salad' except to say no walnuts in the salad.'
LORELAI: Mom, she just made a mistake.
EMILY: She doesn't listen, she doesn't care, she has no work ethic.
LORELAI: She has some work ethic. You made her remake the salad four times.
EMILY: I like things done correctly.
RICHARD: Preferably the first time.
EMILY: Thank you, Richard.
LORELAI: You know, Mom, in Europe, they eat the salad last and the main course first.
EMILY: We're not in Europe.
LORELAI: We could pretend.
EMILY: Really, Lorelai, you can't wait ten minutes for another salad? The situation's that dire?
LORELAI: Four salads ago, no, not dire. Right now it's your money for nothing and your chicks for free.'
EMILY: Rory?
RORY: She didn't have lunch.
EMILY: Fine.
RICHARD: Where are you going?
EMILY: Apparently, we're going to be European tonight.
RICHARD: Oh, wonderful. I was getting so tired of being American day after day after day.
LORELAI: God, I'm starved.
RORY: Think about something else.
LORELAI: Like what?
RORY: Something disgusting that will take your appetite away.
LORELAI: Ari Fleischer?
RICHARD: Ari Fleischer is our nation's mouthpiece, young lady.
LORELAI: Officially not hungry now.
EMILY: Liliana will be right out with the sand dabs. I'm afraid we're going to have to let her go, Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, if that's how you feel, Emily.
LORELAI: You're f*ring someone over putting walnuts in a salad?
EMILY: I'm going to f*re someone over putting walnuts in the salad after she was told not to put walnuts in the salad.
LORELAI: Mom, you know, if you're not a little nicer to your help, you might find yourself in a Frank Lloyd Wright situation.
RICHARD: Frank Lloyd Wright?
EMILY: What on earth does Frank Lloyd Wright have to do with my salad?
RICHARD: And your walnuts.
LORELAI: Mrs. Wright apparently had this major problem with her help. She was very rough on them and they totally hated her. So this guy who had worked for her forever, he had finally had enough. I believe the incident was over walnuts, wasn't it, honey?
RORY: The exact cause has not been proven.
LORELAI: Anyhow, Mrs. Wright invites this whole posse of people over for dinner and they're all sitting around eating, and Mr. Disgruntled Servant Guy goes outside and locks all the doors and windows and douses the whole house in gasoline and sets the place on f*re.
EMILY: My goodness.
LORELAI: So the house is on f*re, and people are freaking out, so they run to the doors but the doors are locked, so a few of them try to get out through the windows, but Mr. Angry-Puss is standing outside with an ax hacking them to death and so they all died.
EMILY: Why on earth would you tell me that story?
LORELAI: All I'm saying is sometimes eating a walnut is preferable to getting hacked to death or set on f*re during dinner.
EMILY: One of these days I'm going to make you eat in your room.
RORY: I'm going to go get myself another soda. Would anyone else like something?
LORELAI: I'd like a big bag of walnuts, and make sure you tell her they're for me.
RICHARD: I believe I need a little more ice. Emily, are you fine?
EMILY: Yes, Richard, I'm fine, thank you.
[Lorelai sniffs the air]
EMILY: Oh, stop that!
CUT TO THE KITCHEN
[Rory pulls a soda out of the fridge as Richard walks in]
RICHARD: Did you find it?
RORY: Yes, I did.
RICHARD: Good, good. Ah, here we are, ice. And. . .chocolates.
RORY: Bless you.
RICHARD: So, tell me, how's it going at school?
RORY: It's good. It's crazy.
RICHARD: Senior year.
RORY: Yup.
RICHARD: Preparing for college can be a daunting task. I remember when I was preparing for Yale.
RORY: Bad?
RICHARD: I don't believe I slept the entire year. I didn't even cut my hair for two months.
RORY: Grandpa!
RICHARD: Oh, yes, it was quite a scandal. But in the end, it was all worth it.
RORY: Yeah?
RICHARD: My years at Yale were absolutely the most gratifying ones of my life. Just the sheer freedom of knowing that anything I wanted to learn, I could learn right there. Plus, the history of the place, the heritage. . .my father went to Yale.
RORY: I know.
RICHARD: I also made wonderful friends there. Friends I still have today.
RORY: That must be nice.
RICHARD: I'm going to be going back there next week. There's going to be a little reunion of the Whiffenpoofs.
RORY: I'm sorry, the what?
RICHARD: It's an a cappella singing group I belonged to at Yale.
RORY: A singing group?
RICHARD: A very famous singing group, actually. Like the Beatles, but with better table manners.
RORY: I've never heard you sing.
RICHARD: Well, I'm no Perry Como, but my shower hasn't kicked me out yet. Anyway, a group of us are going to get together at the old alma mater and have a little dinner, swap some w*r stories.
RORY: Sounds fun.
[the maid walks by with a tray]
MAID: Excuse me.
RORY: Uh, did you see what I just saw?
RICHARD: Walnuts.
RORY: Poor Grandma.
RICHARD: Poor us. You know, you might wanna come with me next week.
RORY: Come with you where?
RICHARD: To Yale.
RORY: What?
RICHARD: Oh, I don't mean to the dinner, that would be boring for you, but you might enjoy seeing the school.
RORY: Well
RICHARD: Your mother could come to. It would be a fun little adventure.
RORY: Wow.
RICHARD: We could drive down, have a little roadside snack, get there about noon. Have a little tour, and then the two of you girls could go off and have fun, and the old folks can have a somber little dinner. I think you'd love to see it. I certainly would love to show it to you.
RORY: Well. . .sure, Grandpa. That would be nice.
RICHARD: Wonderful. Oh, I'm thrilled. Uh, do you wanna tell your mother or shall I?
RORY: Oh, you know what, I can tell her.
RICHARD: All right, you tell her. [the maid rushes past them again] Looks like we're gonna need a few more of these.
RORY: Yeah.
CUT TO OUTSIDE THE ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory walk out of the house]
LORELAI: Okay, I officially vote that we send my mother an anonymous note requesting that she never make us the sand dabs again.
RORY: I'm not sure how anonymous it would be considering she said we were the first people she ever made them for.
[they get into the car and Lorelai starts the engine]
RORY: I have to tell you something.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: Grandpa talked to me tonight.
[Lorelai turns off the engine]
RORY: Why'd you turn the car off?
LORELAI: I'm just getting the sense that I shouldn't be driving a large vehicle when you tell me this.
RORY: It's no big deal.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
RORY: It's not.
LORELAI: Then tell me.
RORY: Okay. Um, well, Grandpa was mentioning that he and Grandma are going on a trip next week, a driving trip somewhere, and he invited me to go. And you. He invited you and me to go on a trip with him and Grandma.
LORELAI: Where?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Where's the driving trip to?
RORY: Yale.
[Lorelai gets out of the car and walks toward the porch. Rory follows her]
RORY: Mom? Mom, wait.
LORELAI: No, it's okay, I got it.
RORY: He's going for some nostalgia thing. For a reunion of, I don't know, the Whiffenhoofs.
LORELAI: Poofs.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Whiffenpoofs.
RORY: Not much better.
LORELAI: I totally agree.
RORY: Well, he got all sentimental and he really just wants to show me the campus. It's no big deal.
LORELAI: It's a huge deal.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: There's a reason he wants to drag you out there, Rory. He's manipulating you. Trust me, I know, he's a master at it.
RORY: Okay, fine, maybe he is, but he really wants me to go, I can tell. And you don't have to go. I mean, he invited you and I would really love it if you could come, but really, you can stay home. Just please don't make a big thing out of this. This doesn't have to be a fight.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: We go. We look. Hi Yale. Bye Yale. It's over. No harm, no foul.
LORELAI: How many more two-word sentences can you come up with?
RORY: You know, it doesn't have to be a total loss.
LORELAI: Look, as she's leading me back to the car.
RORY: I'm sure you and I can figure out a fun thing to do while they're off at dinner, some cool road trip thing.
LORELAI: In New Haven?
RORY: Well, yeah.
LORELAI: Sweetie, have you ever been to New Haven?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Take a look at the coffee pot tomorrow before I clean it, that's New Haven.
RORY: We can make it fun. It would mean a lot to the grandparents, everybody wins.
LORELAI: Rory, listen to me.
RORY: I know, I am being manipulated. This is part of Grandpa's evil plan to take over my life, abolish my free will, pull me in into the Gilmore world, dress me in pearls, and ruin my life. Did I leave anything out?
LORELAI: Mm, let me see. . . manipulate, evil plan, no free will, pearls no, I think you about covered it. Oh, wait did you call my father the Puppet Master?
RORY: No, I did not.
LORELAI: Always call him the Puppet Master.
RORY: I will never make that mistake again.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is cleaning off a table as Kirk walks in]
KIRK: Luke, where's your lost and found?
LUKE: Out back in the dumpster.
KIRK: I need your help. I don't know what to do. I'm shaking like a spastic colon.
LUKE: What's the matter, Kirk?
KIRK: My trophy's gone.
LUKE: What?
KIRK: Someone took her.
LUKE: Kirk.
KIRK: The last time I remember seeing her, she was next to me at the movies.
LUKE: Stop calling it she.
KIRK: I retraced my steps all day and nothing. I suspect foul play.
LUKE: Foul play?
KIRK: Kidnapping, possibly.
LUKE: Well, then, I think you should go to the police, and if they mention something about staying somewhere for observation, it's just routine.
[Kirk starts to leave as Rory walks in]
RORY: Hey Kirk.
KIRK: Rory. [looks into her backpack]
RORY: What are you doing?
KIRK: Where were you this morning at about ten?
RORY: At school.
KIRK: Do you have any witnesses?
RORY: Yes.
KIRK: Can you get them to make a short statement?
RORY: No.
KIRK: Oh, well, okay. [leaves]
RORY: Someone took his statue again.
LUKE: Yeah, yeah.
RORY: Every year.
LUKE: Well, there's some things in life that never let you down. So. . .
RORY: So. . .
LUKE: It's nice to see you, Rory.
RORY: It's nice to see you, too, Luke.
LUKE: So, table for one?
RORY: Um, I'll just sit at the counter.
LUKE: Okay. What can I get you?
RORY: Um, I guess I'll have a cheeseburger.
[Jess walks down from upstairs]
LUKE: Hey Jess, look who's here Rory.
JESS: Hi.
RORY: Hi.
LUKE: Okay, time to add another word. Jess, you want something to eat?
JESS: I'm not hungry.
RORY: Oh, yeah, I'm not hungry either.
LUKE: What about the burger?
RORY: Oh, well. . .could you wrap it up? I'm gonna eat it later. I actually prefer burgers after they've been sitting around for awhile. Let's them age.
LUKE: Okay.
JESS: You know, I've got that book upstairs.
RORY: Oh, the book we talked about?
JESS: Yup.
RORY: Great.
JESS: We could go upstairs and look at it.
RORY: Look at the book, sure. Let's go upstairs and look at the book.
JESS: Okay.
RORY: Okay.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Rory and Jess walk in]
JESS: So, here we are.
RORY: Yup, here we are. Wow, I haven't seen it since you guys redid it.
JESS: Oh yeah.
RORY: It's bigger.
JESS: Ripping a wall down can have that effect on a room
RORY: Yeah. That part, over there.
JESS: That's mine.
RORY: Yeah.
JESS: Yeah. You want a soda?
RORY: No, I'm fine.
JESS: Okay. You sure you don't want a soda?
RORY: Yeah, I'm sure.
JESS: Please let me get you a soda. I gotta do something other than stand here like a moron.
RORY: Take comfort in the fact that you are not doing it alone.
JESS: Okay, let's just regroup here.
RORY: Yeah, regroup.
JESS: First of all, we should try to get within, say, a foot of each other.
RORY: Okay. I think that's about a foot.
JESS: Huh, that school of yours is really paying off.
RORY: So, now what?
JESS: Now we should. . .
RORY: Well, I think we either need to get a little closer or need to warm up.
JESS: Okay. Hi.
RORY: Hi.
[they start to kiss when Luke bursts into the room]
LUKE: I got the burger.
RORY: Thank you.
LUKE: I also threw in some fries.
RORY: Fries, great. I love fries. Okay, um, Jess, thank you for. . .um, your. . .um I gotta go. [leaves]
LUKE: What was going on up here?
JESS: Nothing.
LUKE: Nothing? I walk in here and the two of you are like shrapnel.
JESS: Your timing is perfect, by the way. Next time I'll hang a sock on the door.
LUKE: Hey, there will be no hanging of socks on the door in my house, do you hear me?
JESS: Relax, I was kidding.
LUKE: Oh, really? Hanging socks on doors that's your idea of funny.
JESS: Depending on the sock design, could be hilarious.
LUKE: Okay, that's it, sit down.
JESS: Why?
LUKE: It's time to lay down a few ground rules, sit. All right, first off, when she is up here, that door stays open.
JESS: Excuse me?
LUKE: You are not allowed on either end of this apartment. You are, instead, to remain here in the middle portion of the room. You may sit on the couch or on the chair, as long as you two are sitting on separate seats, i.e. when you're on the couch, then she's on the chair. When she's on the couch, then you're on the chair.
JESS: I get it, thank you.
LUKE: On weekdays, you will have her home by nine. On weekends, you will have her home by eleven. Any evidence of alcohol, cigarette smoke, or anything else that Nancy Reagan would find unacceptable and you will not be allowed near her without an adult present. Are these rules clear?
JESS: Yes.
LUKE: Good.
JESS: May I speak?
LUKE: If you must.
JESS: Do you want me to have you committed or would you prefer to check yourself in?
LUKE: I'm not joking here, mister.
JESS: You know you're my guardian, not hers, right?
LUKE: You don't need a guardian.
JESS: She tried to kiss me.
LUKE: Jess.
JESS: She did that thing where you stretch and then you put your arm around the other person's shoulder and then you sneeze and then your hand falls and you try to grab
LUKE: Jess, stop it.
JESS: What do you think is gonna happen?
LUKE: You know what I think is gonna happen.
JESS: No, I don't. Tell me. Tell me what I'm gonna do to her.
LUKE: You're not gonna do anything to her because when you're at her place, there's Lorelai, and when you're here, there's me, and when you're out there, there's Taylor.
JESS: Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage, you know?
LUKE: Well, as soon as I catch you in a pair of tights, I'll get worried. Until then, do your homework.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen with a duffel bag]
LORELAI: Rory, let's move! They'll be here any minute.
RORY: I'll be right there.
LORELAI: And make sure to bring an extra coat.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Do not ask why. It's Gilmore road rules, trust me.
RORY: But that doesn't make any sense. We're only gonna be gone for one day.
LORELAI: Yeah, do me a favor, say those exact words to my mother when she shows up.
RORY: Taking the coat.
LORELAI: Now, I have been doing some research on our trip.
RORY: Oh yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah. I went to the bookstore and I found this. [shows Rory a very thin book]
RORY: "The Best of New Haven."
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: It's light.
LORELAI: It's New Haven. Anyhow, I looked through it and it just so happens that one of the best taco places on the East Coast is ten minutes from campus.
RORY: We like tacos.
LORELAI: Yes, we do. [reads] "You haven't had a taco until you've spent some time at Hector's, crisp and meaty "
RORY: Dirty.
LORELAI: Thank you. "Not greasy. With homemade tortillas, it elevates this fast finger food to the level of haute cuisine."
RORY: Sounds good.
LORELAI: Yeah, so I thought maybe when Dad was busy poofing it up, we could go say hello to Hector.
RORY: I like your thinking.
LORELAI: Good. Where's your stuff?
RORY: I put the extra coat by the door.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, but where's your stuff?
RORY: What stuff?
LORELAI: Rory, I left a list on your dresser last night.
RORY: I thought you were kidding.
LORELAI: You didn't pack?
RORY: Well
[They walk into Rory's bedroom]
LORELAI: Rory, let me explain something to you. The way you survive a road trip with my mother is to make sure you have all your bases covered, leave nothing to chance. Never give her the opportunity to give you a thirty-minute lecture on how, if you'd brought the second bathing suit like she told you to, it wouldn't have mattered that the first one's strap broke in a freak poolslide incident that no one, including the Amazing Kreskin, could've predicted, you would've been covered.
RORY: I have to bring a bathing suit? It's thirty degrees outside.
LORELAI: This was an example based on a true story. Now, get a skirt to go with this.
RORY: But I'm still confused. When are we changing?
LORELAI: Not the point.
RORY: We're driving, we're walking, we're eating tacos, and we're driving again.
LORELAI: Check the list.
RORY: Why do I need rain boots?
LORELAI: Why are you still questioning me?
RORY: Should I bring both a rain hat and an umbrella, or will one or the other do? Forget it, stupid question.
[Lorelai finds the bracelet that Dean made for Rory on the dresser]
LORELAI: Oh wow. I guess this means there really isn't a Dean anymore, huh?
RORY: Yeah, that and it broke in the shower this morning. Though I probably would've taken it off anyway.
LORELAI: Or Jess would've done it for you.
RORY: What did that mean?
LORELAI: It just meant Jess wouldn't want you wearing another guy's bracelet.
RORY: Or that Jess is a thief and he would've stolen it.
LORELAI: It does work on both levels, doesn't it?
RORY: So this is how it's gonna be from now on?
LORELAI: What does that mean?
RORY: You like Dean and you hate Jess.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: Jess will always be the evil guy who mouthed off to you and wrecked my car and Dean will always be the perfect guy who would come over and change the water bottle.
LORELAI: Aw, I forgot about the water bottle.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Rory, I said nothing. I didn't mean what you thought I meant about Jess. I'm trying to be supportive about this.
RORY: How supportive?
LORELAI: Supportive. You know, go team.
RORY: I'm serious, I wanna know how it's gonna be. Like, can I invite him over?
LORELAI: Of course you can invite him over.
RORY: Well, can he actually come into the house?
LORELAI: Yes, he can come into the house.
RORY: Are you going to talk to him?
LORELAI: Oh my God.
RORY: Are you going to talk to him?
LORELAI: I'll at least match him grunt for grunt.
RORY: Okay. Now, let's say he's in the house and there's a f*re, and you can either save him or your shoes which is it?
LORELAI: That depends did he start the f*re?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Rory, I promised you before and I'm promising you again, I will cut this kid all kinds of slack. Did I like Dean? Yes. Did I worry about you less when you were with Dean? Yes. But I never expected you to be with Dean forever, just like I don't expect you to be with Jess forever.
RORY: Oh, so now you're just waiting for the day I'm not with Jess anymore, is that it?
LORELAI: You know what, I'm actually looking forward to my mother getting here.
RORY: I'm kidding and thank you.
LORELAI: You're annoying, and you're welcome. [doorbell rings] Let the games begin.
CUT TO THE FRONT DOOR
[Emily and Richard are standing on the porch]
EMILY: Your drivers have arrived.
RORY: Hi Grandma, hi Grandpa.
RICHARD: Hello Rory, hello Lorelai. What a perfect day for a drive.
LORELAI: Sure is.
EMILY: You brought an umbrella?
RORY: And a rain cap.
EMILY: Excellent!
RICHARD: Here, let me help you with those.
LORELAI: Okay.
[As they walk to the car, Emily notices Lorelai is carrying a coffee travel mug]
EMILY: Where are you going with that?
LORELAI: To the car.
EMILY: You can't have that in the car.
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: Well, then, what are you doing with it?
LORELAI: Walking it.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Mom, I know I can't have it in the car. It will not be in the car.
RICHARD: Is that everything?
LORELAI: Yes, I think so.
RICHARD: All right, then. Let's get this show on the road.
[Lorelai gets in the back seat and holds the mug out the window]
EMILY: Now let's see you drink it.
[Lorelai sticks her head out the window and takes a sip]
LORELAI: Mm, good to the last drop.
EMILY: You stay that way until it's gone.
LORELAI: Aye, aye, captain.
EMILY: Let's go Richard.
RICHARD: All right-y.
[Richard pulls away while Lorelai drinks her coffee out the window]
CUT TO YALE UNIVERSITY
[The four of them are walking through the campus]
LORELAI: Wow, does that guy look smart. I mean it, he's got the smart look down. The glasses, the furrowed brow, the ticky walk.
RORY: The Kierkergaard.
LORELAI: I really think it's the walk.
RORY: Well, we are at Yale, you know. There are smart people here.
LORELAI: I know there are smart people here. I just didn't realize how many. I bet if I pulled my checkbook out now, twelve guys could help me balance it.
RICHARD: Thirteen if you were near the right building.
RORY: Grandpa, that art gallery was amazing. Thank you.
RICHARD: Yale has one of the finest collections of British art in the world.
LORELAI: Louvre, schmouvre.
RICHARD: Oh, I spent a lot of time in that gallery as a young man.
EMILY: I'll say you did.
LORELAI: What was that I'll say you did'?
EMILY: I just remember that that gallery was one of your father's favorite places to bring the ladies.
RORY: What?
RICHARD: Emily.
EMILY: It's where you took me on our first date.
LORELAI: So, Dad liked to impress them with the paintings.
RICHARD: Why did you bring this up?
EMILY: He was a master of the frown, step back, wrinkle and sigh.
LORELAI: The what?
EMILY: Frown. Step back. Wrinkle. And sigh.
RICHARD: I did no such thing.
EMILY: And then he'd talk about the paintings he had seen in Paris and the colors of Titian, and by the end of the date, you thought he was the most brilliant man in the entire world.
LORELAI: Using Titian to score. Even Titian didn't do that.
RICHARD: You shouldn't tell them this. They'll think I was some kind of lothario.
EMILY: Well, you were.
RICHARD: I was just a young single man who wanted to experience life.
LORELAI: Don't ever fall for that line.
RORY: I promise.
RICHARD: You know, Emily, you weren't such an innocent little doe lost in the woods yourself.
EMILY: I beg your pardon?
LORELAI: They're turning on each other, I love it.
RICHARD: I'll have you know, I was happily involved in a very serious relationship when your mother decided she simply had to have me.
EMILY: Oh, the size of your ego, I swear.
RICHARD: Linny Lott.
EMILY: That mouse?
RICHARD: Oh, that mouse and I were engaged.
EMILY: Oh, you were not.
RICHARD: I'd given her my pin, I'd introduced her to my parents.
EMILY: So?
RICHARD: The date was set, invitations mailed out.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Well, you couldn't marry Linny Lott. That woman needed directions to get to a point.
LORELAI: Rawr!
EMILY: Richard Gilmore, you are going to give these girls the wrong impression.
RORY: What impression is that, Grandma?
LORELAI: That you were the Helena Bonham Carter of the society set?
EMILY: I did not steal your grandfather, I simply gave him a choice.
RICHARD: When you showed up at my fraternity party in that blue dress, I had no choice.
LORELAI: You stole my father with fashion.
EMILY: I can't believe you remember the dress.
LORELAI: I can't believe you were the other woman.
EMILY: Oh, this is ridiculous.
LORELAI: Another woman should be saying this is ridiculous.
EMILY: Will you stop?
[they stop next to a trash can]
RICHARD: Well. . .
EMILY: Well what?
RICHARD: You mean you don't remember?
EMILY: Oh my God! There was a bench here.
RICHARD: They moved it last year.
EMILY: I can't believe this.
LORELAI: Me either. What if we wanted to sit down?
EMILY: This is where your father proposed?
RORY: Really?
RICHARD: That's right.
LORELAI: By the trash can.
EMILY: That's right.
LORELAI: Well, that's very romantic. . .especially if you need to spit your gum out.
EMILY: We were going to meet my girlfriends who were going to drive me back to school.
RICHARD: And you were angry with me.
EMILY: Because you wouldn't commit to plans for the holidays.
RICHARD: Because I was going to invite you to the house to meet my parents after I proposed.
EMILY: Which I didn't know because you gave me no indication whatsoever.
RICHARD: Anyway, you had just finished calling me a spineless jellyfish.
EMILY: And you got very annoyed, reached in your pocket, pulled out a box and said, "Here."
RICHARD: And you opened the box, showed no emotion, slammed it close and said, "Fine."
EMILY: Yes, I did.
[they kiss over the trash can]
RORY: That's so sweet.
EMILY: Oh no, my button broke.
LORELAI: Oh yeah? Let me see.
EMILY: It just broke in two and fell.
LORELAI: Well, let me look, Mom.
EMILY: It's a broken button, what is there to look at?
LORELAI: All right, then, I think there's a bathroom over there.
EMILY: What can we do in a bathroom?
LORELAI: Meet George Michael.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Let's go.
[cut to inside the bathroom]
EMILY: I don't believe it. This is a brand new skirt.
LORELAI: Mom, let me see.
EMILY: I have this dinner to go tonight. What am I going to do?
LORELAI: Drink a lot. It's easier to explain not wearing a skirt if you're falling down drunk.
EMILY: Thank you for the advice.
LORELAI: You know, I can rig this til you get home.
EMILY: You can?
LORELAI: Yeah, just give me five seconds here.
[pulls something out of her purse]
EMILY: What is that?
LORELAI: It's a paper clip.
EMILY: And what do you intend to do with that paper clip?
LORELAI: I intend to carve something really dirty into the bathroom door.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: What rhymes with Nantucket?
EMILY: I'm standing here holding my skirt.
LORELAI: I'm gonna put this paper clip through the buttonhole and then through the thread that used to hold the button, and then you're gonna put your jacket back on and there you go.
EMILY: That's ingenious.
LORELAI: I know. If I had a thumbtack, I could make a scud m*ssile.
EMILY: You know, your father's having a wonderful time.
LORELAI: Well, good.
EMILY: It means a lot to him to share this with Rory.
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: Actually, it means a lot to him to share this with you and Rory. It's very nice that you're here.
LORELAI: Nice for you. I just found out you're not supposed to be my real mother, so I'm a little scarred.
[cut to Richard and Rory outside]
RICHARD: See that? That is my favorite building in the whole school.
RORY: It is?
RICHARD: Yes, it is.
RORY: Why?
RICHARD: Because that's where the Timothy Dwight Dining Hall is.
RORY: I thought campus food was supposed to be disgusting.
RICHARD: Not Yale food. They have the most delicious pot roast you've ever tasted.
RORY: I love pot roast.
RICHARD: Who doesn't love pot roast? Are you having a good time?
RORY: I'm having a very good time.
RICHARD: I'm glad. It's nice being able to show this place to another Gilmore generation. You know, one day, when your mother was ten years old, she ran into my office and she said, "I'm going to go to Yale, just like you." She actually took my diploma out of my office and put it in her room. She wouldn't give it back to me for about six months. This place makes you remember things. Hopefully, things you're being graded on.
[Emily and Lorelai walk over]
EMILY: All right, we're all in one piece again.
RICHARD: Oh, glad to hear it. Shall we continue?
LORELAI: Okay, but you're not gonna show me the vending machine where I was conceived, are you? Cause I don't think I can take it.
CUT TO INSIDE THE YALE ADMINISTRATION BUILDING
[The four of them are walking through a large building]
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: Lions and tigers and bears. . .
RORY: Oh my.
RICHARD: It's impressive, isn't it?
LORELAI: Yeah, I'd like to open a checking account, please.
RORY: What is this place?
RICHARD: This is the main administration building. Professors' offices, the dean's office. Some of the best scotch in the country can be found behind those doors.
LORELAI: Not sure how to take that, Dad.
RICHARD: Come on. Ah, follow me, please.
LORELAI: What's he so excited about?
EMILY: Oh, who knows? Dickens must have dropped a pencil here at some point.
RICHARD: Rory, this is the office of a very dear friend of mine. His name is Harris Fellows, and he just happens to be the Dean of Admissions.
LORELAI: Really?
RICHARD: That's right. And I called him just before we came down and I asked him if he had a little time to squeeze you in and he said yes.
RORY: Squeeze me in?
RICHARD: For an interview.
LORELAI: An interview for what, Dad?
RICHARD: An interview for Yale.
RORY: Grandpa.
RICHARD: Oh, I told him all about you and your grades and how well you were doing at Chilton. Well, of course, he insisted on seeing you. He wouldn't let me off the hook.
RORY: But I haven't applied to Yale.
RICHARD: Oh, I told him that you weren't finished deciding, that you were being very picky. I think that made him want you even more. They can be very competitive, these Ivy League schools. He's expecting you at three. Oh, look, it's three now. Well, we timed this perfectly now, didn't we? Come on, I'll walk you in. Uh, we'll be right back.
LORELAI: Rory, honey, you don't have to go in there.
RICHARD: What? Well, of course she's going to go in there.
LORELAI: Rory, honey, the only person I'm talking to, you don't have to go in there if you don't want to.
RICHARD: Lorelai, the man is waiting.
LORELAI: You wanna leave? Cause we could just leave.
RORY: No, it's okay. I'll go in.
RICHARD: Harris is a very nice man, Rory. I think you two are really going to h*t it off. Come on, I'll walk you in.
[Richard and Rory walk into the office while Lorelai and Emily wait in the hall]
EMILY: My skirt seems to be holding up very well. Lorelai
LORELAI: No.
[Richard walks out of the office]
RICHARD: She shook his hand. She just reached out and shook his hand. It completely threw him off. I swear, that girl.
LORELAI: You know what, I almost feel like a standing ovation is in order.
RICHARD: If you're going to get dramatic, let's go outside. It echoes in here.
LORELAI: What did you think you were doing?
RICHARD: I thought I was helping my granddaughter get into what is, in my opinion, the best Ivy League school in America.
LORELAI: Even though she doesn't wanna go here?
RICHARD: She doesn't know she doesn't want to go here.
LORELAI: You're unbelievable, Dad. You corner her alone the other night, without me there.
RICHARD: Of course I did. You wouldn't let her go.
LORELAI: Oh, I wouldn't?
RICHARD: I knew that the last thing in the world that you could want would be for Rory to go to Yale.
LORELAI: And the reason for that would be?
RICHARD: I went to Yale, therefore Rory can't.
LORELAI: Oh, that's right, the crazy reason.
RICHARD: That's all right. It's your prerogative to feel that way. It's mine to make sure that Rory at least knows all her options.
LORELAI: Aren't you supposed to slap my face with a glove before you do this?
RICHARD: I'm not going to discuss this with you.
LORELAI: Well, you lied to everybody, Dad. You lied to me, you lied to Rory, I'm looking at Mom and I'm thinking you lied to her, too.
EMILY: Lorelai, please, let's try and calm down.
RICHARD: This is for Rory's own good.
LORELAI: Rory's going to Harvard.
RICHARD: We'll see.
LORELAI: No, Rory's going to Harvard. It's already been decided without you, get it? You don't control it. And that little stunt of yours doesn't change that fact one bit.
RICHARD: I'm sorry about the way it had to be done, but I didn't want to argue with you about it.
LORELAI: My whole life, you have tried to control everything, and if you didn't get to control something, then you just didn't deal with it.
RICHARD: That's ridiculous.
LORELAI: When you couldn't control me, you didn't deal with me.
RICHARD: This has nothing to do with you.
LORELAI: No?
RICHARD: This is about Rory and Rory's education. Which, frankly Lorelai, is something you know nothing about.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
RICHARD: You never went to college, let alone an Ivy League college. You don't know the first thing about the system, the way it works. I do, I went through it. You want Rory to go to Harvard that badly? Well, so do thousands of other mothers. Yale is an excellent school, the equal of Harvard in every way except one I went here. I'm an alumnus. That makes it easier for Rory to get in. And if you had any idea about the way the system works, you'd know this.
LORELAI: Oh, so, here it is. I knew we would eventually get to the big "my daughter's a loser, poor me, the future squandered, the Gilmore name's sullied" speech.
RICHARD: I am not going to leave Rory's education to chance simply because I might risk offending you. Her future is more important than your pride. If you don't like that, I'm sorry. If it makes you angry, well, what else is new? But that, my dear girl, is the way it is.
LORELAI: I'm calling a cab. We're leaving.
[Lorelai walks out of the building, Emily follows her]
EMILY: Lorelai, come back inside. Lorelai, put the phone away and come back inside.
LORELAI: [on phone] Yes, hi, in New Haven, I need a number of a cab company. Um, anyone, pick one. Thanks.
EMILY: You are not going to take a cab all the way back to Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: He lied to you, too, Mom. Don't you care about that?
EMILY: That is between me and your father.
LORELAI: Great, whatever. Damn, I just forgot the number.
EMILY: If you would just calm down and look at it from his point of view.
LORELAI: [on phone] Hi, um, uh, in New Haven, I need a cab company, any cab company.
EMILY: Your father is a very strong-willed man, Lorelai. You know this, you take after him.
LORELAI: [on phone] Thank you.
EMILY: He wants the best for Rory. He thinks this is the best.
LORELAI: It doesn't really matter what he thinks. It matters what I think and what Rory thinks and the list ends there.
EMILY: So Rory takes a meeting at Yale. That doesn't mean she still won't go to Harvard.
LORELAI: I know it doesn't, because she is still going to Harvard.
EMILY: If she applies to Yale
LORELAI: She's not applying to Yale!
EMILY: And gets into Yale, that might even make her more appealing to Harvard. Have you thought about that?
LORELAI: No, I haven't, because I'm not trying to reason away a crazy man's actions.
EMILY: Oh, don't do this. Don't turn this into yet another one of your crusades against your childhood. Just let it go. Realize that despite the matter in which your father did this, his intentions were honorable.
LORELAI: You know what, Mom? Sometimes I literally sit around and try to figure out why Dad and I have such an awful relationship. I try to figure out why we can't communicate and why we can't seem to break through whatever crap it is that stands between us, and then something like this happens and suddenly it's like, Oh yeah. That's why.'
EMILY: Fine, Lorelai, your father's a demon. He's cruel and out to destroy your happiness. But think about this you're fighting so hard to send Rory off to Harvard no matter what that you haven't even stopped for one second to consider that if she went to Yale, she could live at home. Consider that on your cab ride.
LORELAI: [on phone] Hi, yes, in New Haven, I need a cab company.
CUT TO INSIDE THE ADMINISTRATION BUILDING
[Rory and the Dean of Admissions walk out of the office]
HARRIS: It was a pleasure to meet you. I'll read that book you recommended.
RORY: And don't be fooled by the Oprah seal on the cover, it's actually very good.
RICHARD: Well, how did it go? I see that everyone is smiling.
HARRIS: Richard, your granddaughter is everything you said and more. You should be very proud.
RICHARD: I am, very proud.
HARRIS: It was very nice meeting you.
RORY: Same here.
HARRIS: I'll see you at dinner later, Richard.
RICHARD: Thanks, Harris.
[Harris walks away]
RICHARD: Well, that that sounded like it went very well. Uh, what did you tell him to read?
RORY: Why did you do that?
RICHARD: Do what?
RORY: Why did you make this appointment without telling me about it?
RICHARD: Rory, I know this appointment upset your mother, but this was an important opportunity.
RORY: I know it was an important opportunity. That's why I can't believe you didn't prepare me for it. I didn't have my transcripts, my letters of recommendation. I couldn't even remember what I wanted to major in when he asked.
RICHARD: I'm sure he knew you were nervous.
RORY: But I didn't have to be that nervous. I could've been calm. I could've brushed my hair. I never would've worn this.
RICHARD: Oh, Rory, none of this matters.
RORY: It matters to me. I like to be prepared. This has nothing to do with Mom. If you had really wanted me to take this meeting, I would've done it just because you asked me to. And I would've done it right.
[Lorelai and Emily walk back into the building]
LORELAI: Rory, a cab is meeting us at the main gate. Let's go.
RORY: I'm coming. Bye Grandma.
EMILY: Goodbye Rory.
[Lorelai and Rory leave]
EMILY: [to Richard] Don't you even look at me.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory get out of a cab and start walking down the sidewalk]
LORELAI: Thanks. Uh, well, here's the good news. You no longer have to worry about which college to go to cause that cab ride was your college tuition.
RORY: Can we not say the word college for at least forty-eight hours?
LORELAI: Fine.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: How bout collage, can we say collage? Cause it sounds the same but it's actually very different.
RORY: Collage is fine.
LORELAI: Okay, good, cause I don't even know how to get through a conversation without the word collage.
RORY: I should've listened to you about today.
LORELAI: Oh, no. There's no way even I could've seen this one coming.
[they walk into the diner]
RORY: I can't believe I had a meeting at Yale today.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: And I can't believe the only name that popped into my head when he asked for my role model was Gloria Estefan.
LORELAI: Well, you don't work great under pressure.
RORY: Sucky day.
LORELAI: But excellent tacos.
RORY: Yeah, Hector really came through.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: We're coming from a day with my parents. Want a taco?
LUKE: Uh, no thanks. See, I already have food here. We sell it to the other customers who don't come quite as prepared as the two of you.
LORELAI: Mm, be nice and get us some salsa.
LUKE: At least order a cup of coffee.
RORY: Coffee and tacos?
LORELAI: Sounds just gross enough to work.
JESS: Hi.
RORY: Hi.
LUKE: Please, I'll finish it hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. I'm getting the coffee.
JESS: I gotta run out for a second and get a part for my car.
LUKE: Get a receipt this time.
JESS: I'll be back. [leaves]
LORELAI: Hey Luke, what's the record for most tacos eaten in a diner that doesn't actually sell tacos?
LUKE: I have no idea.
LORELAI: Find out, will you, cause if it's less than five, we're famous.
LUKE: Where'd you get those things anyhow?
LORELAI: New Haven.
LUKE: Really? That dump was close?
LORELAI: We paid a little visit to Yale today.
RORY: Yes, one that I would prefer not to relive, thank you very much. I'm gonna go study.
LORELAI: Okay hon, see you back home.
RORY: Bye Luke.
LUKE: Bye.
[Rory leaves; Luke sits down with Lorelai]
LUKE: Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.
LORELAI: You did?
LUKE: Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.
LORELAI: Oh good.
LUKE: Yup.
LORELAI: You know, they're together now.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Oh yeah. I have to get a part for my car', I'm going to go study' that's kid code for Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle.'
LUKE: You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that. . .damn, they are! They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together!
LORELAI: It's okay, Luke.
LUKE: It's okay, Luke? They are out there right now doing God knows what, completely unsupervised. How did you let this happen?
LORELAI: Me?
LUKE: Yes, you. I thought you were against this.
LORELAI: I thought you were all, This is so great and Rory's gonna change Jess.'
LUKE: What is she, a miracle worker? Come on, Lorelai, wake up the guy's trouble. I have to find them. Caesar, I'll be back in a little while.
LORELAI: You're seriously gonna run all over town looking for Jess and Rory?
LUKE: If I have to, yes. And if you were really a concerned mother, you'd go out there with me.
LORELAI: No, I can't do that. But if you like, I'll let you sniff Rory's sweater. Maybe her scent will help you track them down.
LUKE: The things you find amusing astound me sometimes.
[Luke grabs Rory's sweater from the chair]
LORELAI: You're not really gonna sniff it.
LUKE: No, it's cold out. She might need it.
CUT TO GAS STATION
[Jess stands next to a gas pump holding an unlit cigarette as Rory walks up to him]
RORY: You going to smoke that or mind meld with it?
JESS: It depends.
RORY: So where's the part for your car?
JESS: Huh, I don't know. Gypsy said she was gonna leave it for me somewhere. Guess she forgot.
RORY: She's bad that way.
JESS: I'm just gonna have to take my business elsewhere.
RORY: Looks that way.
JESS: So.
RORY: So.
JESS: Here we are.
RORY: Yeah, here we are. So, tell me, what's your decision about smoking that depending on?
JESS: On what's gonna happen.
RORY: When?
JESS: Now.
[They kiss]
RORY: I'm glad you didn't smoke it.
JESS: Oh yeah?
RORY: Yeah.
[they kiss again]
JESS: Well, whatever else happens between us, at least we know that part works. What?
RORY: I have to go.
JESS: What? Did I do something or
RORY: No, no. This was. . . you were are. . .it was wonderful, and I look forward to many similar occurrences in the future, but right now, I have to go. Understand?
JESS: Not at all.
RORY: It's more fun that way, isn't it?
JESS: Come here. [kisses her] b*at it.
RORY: I'll see you tomorrow.
CUT TO DEAN'S HOUSE
[Rory knocks on Dean's bedroom window, he opens it]
RORY: Hey.
DEAN: What are you doing?
RORY: I climbed a tree.
DEAN: Why?
RORY: Well, I was afraid to ring the doorbell cause your mom would answer and I assume she knows, so I assume she hates me and I just wanted to talk to you, so. . .
DEAN: She doesn't know.
RORY: She doesn't.
DEAN: I haven't really been in the mood to talk about it.
RORY: But you're going to have to tell her eventually, so if she did answer the door and was nice to me, then I would've known that she was going to be hating me soon, and that just would've been really hard because I like your mom. I guess you're probably gonna tell your sister also, so she's probably gonna hate me, too.
DEAN: Well, too bad, Rory. Somebody doesn't like you for once.
RORY: I didn't mean
DEAN: What do you want?
RORY: Do you remember that girl Butterfly who lived in a tree for a year? I can officially attest that she was nuts.
DEAN: I have to go.
RORY: I wanna say that I'm sorry.
DEAN: For what?
RORY: For treating you the way I did. For doing all the things you said I did. I am so, so sorry. It's all my fault. I don't know what's wrong with me. You were the most amazing boyfriend in the world. You made me so happy. You made me laugh, you made my mother like you, you were nice to my friends, you protected me, you even came with me to that stupid debutante ball.
DEAN: I don't need the list.
RORY: I really did love you. Please believe that.
DEAN: You with him now?
RORY: I don't wanna talk about him. I just came to tell you that I'm truly sorry that I hurt you, and that I'm going to miss you so much, and I just hope that someday you won't hate me anymore.
DEAN: I hope so, too.
[Dean closes the window]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is studying on the couch as Lorelai walks into the room with two mugs]
LORELAI: Coffee and Ovaltine.
RORY: Thanks.
LORELAI: It's getting late, you almost done?
RORY: Almost.
LORELAI: Don't study so much that you get brilliant, go mad, grow a big bald egghead and try to take over the world, okay, cause I wanna go shoe shopping this weekend.
RORY: Promise, I will not go mad until we get you some boots.
LORELAI: Thank you. [starts to walk upstairs, then turns around] Hey.
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: How was the rest of the evening?
RORY: It was eventful.
LORELAI: Eventful. . . well, okay. Goodnight hon. [starts to go upstairs]
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: [turns around] Yeah?
RORY: Details tomorrow.
LORELAI: Ah, thank God. Cause you know what not knowing these things does to me.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: I can't sleep. I wonder what I did wrong. Should I not have left you that first day in kindergarten when you begged me not to? Are you holding it against me?
RORY: I was fine staying at kindergarten. You were the one that had trouble leaving.
LORELAI: See, see how irrational I get when you hold out on me? I invent crazy reasons why you hold out on me.
RORY: Night Mom.
LORELAI: Night babe. [goes upstairs]
[Later that night, Rory walks into her bedroom, turns out the light and tries to go to sleep. A moment later, she turns the light back on, grabs her Yale brochure from her night table and starts reading it. Upstairs, Lorelai is reading the same brochure in her bedroom.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x08 - Let the Games Begin"} | foreverdreaming |
3.09 - A Deep-Fried Korean Thanksgiving
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Kenny Ortega
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are on the couch watching television]
RORY: I like these women.
LORELAI: I love these women.
RORY: Poor Edie.
LORELAI: Which Edie?
RORY: Little Edie. She's just trying to sing and her mom won't stop talking.
LORELAI: Big Edie was so beautiful in her day.
RORY: They were both pretty.
LORELAI: I can't believe they were related to Jackie.
RORY: Well, the Kennedy's kind of hid them in the background for many years.
LORELAI: Well, when you're a Kennedy, how do you even choose who in the family to hide?
RORY: It's a tough choice.
LORELAI: Something beautiful about them though. They're cool, they're free.
RORY: Yeah, and they're memorable. Most people are very forgettable. And they're happy.
LORELAI: They had their cats.
RORY: And their raccoons.
LORELAI: And their pretty house.
RORY: And each other.
LORELAI: Add a few years and they're us.
RORY: Yeah. . .yeah.
LORELAI: Yeah.
[opening credits]
CUT TO THE INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Sookie rushes around giving instructions]
SOOKIE: Rhiana, run it through the sieve again, I want it smooth as glass. Don't cut corners, people!
LORELAI: Is she melting down?
MICHEL: Like butter on a skillet.
LORELAI: Sookie. . .
SOOKIE: Just a sec, hon. How's your love life, Pete? A little frustrated, I bet. Wondering how I know that? Cause you're taking it out on my egg whites. Gently, fold them gently. Cheryl you're slicing not dicing, I can hear it in the chop. Adjust, my friend.
LORELAI: Sookie, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, let's talk.
SOOKIE: I'm extremely lacking in time here.
LORELAI: What's going on?
SOOKIE: Uh, chaos? Uh, a travesty of cooking? It's a salmonella laboratory in here!
LORELAI: Sookie, the kitchen will be in good hands.
SOOKIE: But not in my hands.
LORELAI: It'll be in Bob hands. Bob has great hands.
SOOKIE: No, you know what Bob has? Bob has two seconds to get the hollandaise off the flame before I break his neck!
LORELAI: Sookie, listen, you hired Bob. You trained him in your image. He's great, and he's subbed for you before.
SOOKIE: But this is Thanksgiving, he has never done Thanksgiving.
LORELAI: He's ready, he'll sub for you seamlessly. Even Big Joe Newsanchor's have substitutes.
SOOKIE: And that's the thing. They still say, And now the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather.' You see? Dan is still associated with it even though he's off snorkeling or something, just like I'm gonna be associated with the dinner because Bob is substituting for Sookie. Excuse me one minute.
[Sookie starts rummaging through the trash can]
MICHEL: Oh, this can only be good.
LORELAI: Sookie, that's the garbage. Stop rooting through the garbage.
SOOKIE: I will when people stop throwing away useful stuff!
LORELAI: Drop, drop the, drop the tops, drop them, drop them. Come here, come here, come here. Now, Sookie, listen to me because you're torturing yourself here.
[Emily walks in and stands behind Lorelai]
SOOKIE: Emily, hi.
LORELAI: Oh, that's nice. That's very high school. Stick with me here.
SOOKIE: Good to see you.
LORELAI: Yeah, ah, that's funny. You know who's behind you? It's Joseph Stalin, my good friend. What are you doing back from the d*ad, Joe?
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, Mom! Ah, geez, you scared me.
EMILY: You heard Sookie greet me.
LORELAI: Oh, I thought it was a joke.
EMILY: Like comparing me to Joseph Stalin?
LORELAI: I wasn't comparing you to Joseph Stalin.
EMILY: I'm in a hurry. Can we speak for a minute?
LORELAI: Yeah, I guess, for a minute. So, were you in the area or something?
EMILY: Not really.
LORELAI: Then what are you doing here?
EMILY: I wanted to talk to you.
LORELAI: Phone's out of order?
EMILY: Let's not play games here.
LORELAI: Games?
EMILY: I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.
LORELAI: No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine.
EMILY: Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.
LORELAI: Fine, Mom, we're talking now. What's up?
EMILY: Are you feeling well?
LORELAI: You came all the way out here to ask me that?
EMILY: Well, you've been sick these past few Friday's for dinner, so I was concerned. That's why you didn't come, right, because you were sick? So are you better? You look fine.
LORELAI: Oh, it's the makeup. I'm still. . .uh, these allergies really just h*t me like a ton of bricks.
EMILY: I've never heard you mention allergies before.
LORELAI: I'm a silent sufferer.
EMILY: Well, I certainly hope you're feeling better now because I want you to come to dinner tomorrow night.
LORELAI: Tomorrow? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
EMILY: Yes, it is Thanksgiving. And before you sift through the dozen or so excuses you always have on hand, let me have my say. You've missed two dinners and avoided my calls because you're mad at us about what happened at Yale. But I want you and Rory at Thanksgiving this year.
LORELAI: Mom
EMILY: If you have plans
LORELAI: We do have plans.
EMILY: Alter them. Now, there'll be other people there, so the focus won't be on you, and you may even be able to get by without saying more than hello', goodbye', and pass the gravy'.
LORELAI: We already have plans.
EMILY: Your father and I are going out of town the next day and we'll be gone all of December, including Christmas, so it's the last chance for the family to be together for the rest of the year.
LORELAI: Look
EMILY: And I want you to remember that I am not the one who set the meeting for Rory behind your back. I want you there, Lorelai. And if you're still sick, I don't want a doctor's note. I want your doctor himself to come to my house and convince me that it's true, got it?
LORELAI: Got it.
EMILY: See you tomorrow.
CUT TO CHILTON
TEACHER: The multi-layered membrane systems of the cytoplasm are the smooth endoplasmic reticulum, the rough endoplasmic reticulum, and the golgi body. Now, the smooth endoplasmic reticulum is concerned with the manufacture of lipid molecules. [bell rings] We'll continue on this next week. Keep up on your reading please.
MADELINE: That was really distracting.
PARIS: Oh. Well, by all means, Madeline, you should point out to the faculty that their annoying custom of teaching is distracting you from more important things like nail filing and daydreaming about marrying Ryan Phillippe.
LOUISE: Uh, he's already married.
PARIS: Then whatever strawhead actor isn't.
MADELINE: This was bad. For the last five minutes, every single thing she said sounded dirty.
LOUISE: Yeah, same here.
PARIS: Good God.
MADELINE: I mean, reticulum? Come on.
LOUISE: Plus, the golgi body. I mean, is it me or is that majorly p*rn?
PARIS: My life with the Banger sisters.
RORY: So, changing the subject. . .
PARIS: Hallelujah.
RORY: What's everybody doing for Thanksgiving?
PARIS: I can't even talk about Thanksgiving.
RORY: Louise?
LOUISE: Im having dinner with my dad.
MADELINE: Isn't he still in jail?
LOUISE: Yes, but his company donated some treadmills for the inmates so he swung a special trailer for dinner that they're gonna set up for us in the parking lot. We have it for about two hours and then one of the Manson girls gets us.
MADELINE: You're lucky it's in that order.
PARIS: My Thanksgiving is turning into a Wes Craven movie.
RORY: How so?
PARIS: I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It's Thanksgiving you'd think they have needs. Nope. Every stupid soup kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers.
MADELINE: Bummer.
PARIS: I'm on a couple waiting lists, but it doesn't look good.
RORY: I've never heard of too many volunteers.
PARIS: Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can't all be students like me. They're not all putting it on a college application. I get something out of it and these other people don't get a thing. Talk about selfish.
LOUISE: Sore subject.
RORY: What are you up to, Madeline?
MADELINE: I've got more college applications to fill out. Backups, safety schools.
LOUISE: I've got some of that, too. I'm so behind.
PARIS: I told you guys to have those things done by now.
LOUISE: Sorry, Mom.
PARIS: It's not about being sorry. It's about being prepared. I got Harvard and my backups in weeks ago.
MADELINE: Okay, all you're doing is making me more nervous. I'll see you guys Monday.
LOUISE: Same here.
RORY: Yup, see you guys Monday.
PARIS: Harvard is going to be expecting Thanksgiving shelter work. They'll know I called too late and it will totally impugn my organizational skills. By the way, you know I ultimately do all these things for the good of mankind, right?
RORY: Oh yeah.
PARIS: Sometimes I don't think I come off that way.
RORY: No.
[Paris' cell phone rings]
PARIS: [answers phone] Hello? . . . Yes, thanks for returning my call. . . nothing? But wait, wait, wait just stick me at any old pot. I'm small, you won't even know I'm there, I'll even bring my own ladle. . . .Oh, now, come on, work with me here. I've got a slotted spoon. . . Well, what about coffee or condiments? You got condiments covered? . . . I'm sorry, can I speak to your supervisor? . . . My attitude? What about your attitude? I'm trying to help people. It's Thanksgiving. . .
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking down the sidewalk]
RORY: So she coldcocked you, huh?
LORELAI: She bit me, incapacitated me with her poison, and devoured me whole.
RORY: But how are we going to go to four Thanksgiving dinners?
LORELAI: It's not four, is it?
RORY: Lane's house, Sookie's, and we always stop by Luke's. . .that's three, and Grandma and Grandpa is four.
LORELAI: Ah, we're mad, Edie.
RORY: We're us, Edie.
LORELAI: Well, we've gotta go to my parents' or we'll be brought up on w*r crimes. Lane's is always super early, so that's easy to catch. Sookie's is mid afternoon.
RORY: Luke's the toughie.
LORELAI: Guess that's the one we'll have to skip.
RORY: Bummer.
LORELAI: I know, but he won't care. Holidays are nothing to him anyway.
[Kirk walks out of The Chat Club with several bags]
LORELAI: Hey Kirk. Discover a new freaky fetish?
KIRK: What?
LORELAI: Nothing. You buy a cat?
KIRK: Yup. I'm very excited.
LORELAI: You seem it. So what's all this?
RORY: I'm assuming there's nothing left in the store.
KIRK: Actually, there are a number of things left.
RORY: No, I meant you seem to be buying a lot of stuff.
KIRK: Oh, sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole.
LORELAI: So where'd you get the cat?
KIRK: A lady had a bunch of them at the grocery store and Kirk seemed to take an instant liking to me.
LORELAI: Kirk?
KIRK: Yes?
LORELAI: No, I mean, the cat's name is Kirk?
KIRK: Yup.
LORELAI: Weird coincidence or. . .
KIRK: I named him Kirk.
LORELAI: Isn't that confusing?
KIRK: Not when you think about it.
[Lorelai thinks about it]
LORELAI: No, it's still confusing.
KIRK: I like the name, and whenever I call Kirk's name, I obviously won't be calling myself.
LORELAI: True.
KIRK: Although when my mom calls for Kirk, that may be confusing. Maybe I can get her to say CatKirk when she's calling Kirk, and HumanKirk when she's calling me.
RORY: That would keep it straight.
KIRK: I'm glad I ran into you. See ya.
LORELAI: See ya, HumanKirk.
RORY: Bye HumanKirk.
[Kirk walks away]
RORY: He's always been a cat person, he's just never had a cat.
LORELAI: Hm.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
LORELAI: Hey. Anywhere?
LUKE: Anywhere.
LORELAI: [to customer at table] Hm, would you mind moving?
LUKE: I hate when you do that.
LORELAI: It's my showstopper.
LUKE: An empty table.
LORELAI: Ah. You ready to order?
RORY: I'm ready.
LUKE: Don't bother, saw you coming, already ordered your Wednesday usual the French dip, extra fries, the every-Wednesday cherry pie.
RORY: Such service.
LORELAI: Oh, and such a food rut we're in.
RORY: Thank you, Luke.
LUKE: I gotta get back to stuffing my turkey.
LORELAI: Oh, honey, do you have time to do that and prep your Thanksgiving food?
LUKE: Stop it.
RORY: Here, here.
LUKE: It's a tedious job.
LORELAI: Well, what if we told you you could stuff one less?
LUKE: What do you mean?
LORELAI: We got jammed. Shanghaied by my mother and what with the other things we have going. . .well, too many commitments, not enough us.
LUKE: So?
RORY: We can't make it tomorrow.
LUKE: Oh, okay, fine.
LORELAI: It was beyond our control.
LUKE: That's fine, whatever. I'll be right back. [walks away]
LORELAI: Um, okay, I may be crazy, but he almost looked. . . .
RORY: Disappointed.
LORELAI: Yes, disappointed. We disappointed Luke.
RORY: I didn't think it was possible.
LORELAI: Our powers are greater than we know.
RORY: He actually likes it when we come for Thanksgiving. All these years and we never knew.
LORELAI: Hm, he's the Grinch and we're Cindy Lou Who.
RORY: So Cindy Lou, what do we do?
LORELAI: I got it.
[Lorelai picks up her cell phone as Luke walks over]
LORELAI: [on phone] Oh, uh, perfect. That works great. Okay, bye now. [hangs up] Sorry, I'm just clarifying the schedule for tomorrow. As luck has it, we can make it. We'll definitely be here.
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: No, it's all cleared. That was my mom, and, uh, the time's just gonna work out just fine.
LUKE: Really, you don't have to. I already stopped prepping the last turkey.
LORELAI: Well, start prepping it again cause we are coming.
LUKE: I don't want you to feel like you have to come.
LORELAI: This is tiring.
RORY: I can kneel behind him and you can push him over.
LORELAI: It may come to that.
LUKE: It won't be a hassle?
LORELAI: It won't be a hassle.
LUKE: You sure?
LORELAI: We're coming, now go away and let us eat. Shoo, shoo.
[Luke walks away]
RORY: That was very nice.
LORELAI: Well, I hate disappointing people.
RORY: Okay, now, practical question. . . how are we going to eat four Thanksgiving dinners?
LORELAI: How? Rory, what are we if not world champion eaters?
RORY: It's too much food.
LORELAI: It's not too much food. This is what we've been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny. This is our finest hour.
RORY: Or final hour.
LORELAI: No, no. Get inspired and tomorrow I guarantee you, we will be standing on the Olympic platform receiving our gold medals for eating. We are not Michelle Kwan-ing this.
RORY: Okay, okay, four dinners.
LORELAI: Yeah, we'll skip the rolls.
RORY: That'll help. You know, we might wanna consider not eating much now in preparation for our finest hour. A little fasting so that we can enjoy more tomorrow, hm?
LORELAI: Unnecessary.
RORY: Yeah.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[On Thanksgiving morning, Lorelai and Rory are walking toward the market]
RORY: What's on the list?
LORELAI: Flowers for everyone we're visiting and cranberry sauce for the Kims.
RORY: Tums.
LORELAI: You mean amateur pills?
RORY: Just in case.
LORELAI: Okay, Tums.
RORY: I'll do the flowers.
LORELAI: I'll do Doose's.
RORY: Thank you.
[Lorelai goes into the market. Jess walks up behind Rory]
JESS: Hey there.
RORY: Hey. [he kisses her, but Rory pulls away] Wait, stop.
JESS: What?
RORY: Stop.
JESS: What are you doing?
RORY: Come on. [Rory pulls him down the sidewalk a little, then kisses him]
JESS: What was that?
RORY: That was a kiss.
JESS: What's with the relocation before the kiss?
RORY: It's too early.
JESS: Too early? Too early for what?
RORY: For kissing like that.
JESS: What's the rule, no kissing before noon?
RORY: No, it's too early to do this here.
JESS: Where, in the street?
RORY: In the street, with people watching...
JESS: What people?
RORY: In front of Doose's.
JESS: Ah, Doose's.
RORY: We shouldn't flaunt it.
JESS: But I want to flaunt it.
RORY: It doesn't feel right.
JESS: He's a big boy Rory.
RORY: I know.
JESS: It's not the first time a couple's broken up.
RORY: It is for us.
JESS: This is insane.
RORY: Please, let's not flaunt it, please?
JESS: For how long?
RORY: Until it's comfortable.
JESS: Before we're on Social Security?
RORY: I promise, we can kiss secretly.
JESS: Yeah, or we can wear Three Stooges masks all the time, that way no one will know who we are.
RORY: I can be Curly.
JESS: I'll be Moe.
RORY: Probably too silly.
JESS: Yeah, probably.
RORY: This will get better over time, I promise. But until then, let's just play it cool.
JESS: Hey, I'm Frank at the Sands.
RORY: That's cool.
CUT TO INSIDE DOOSE'S MARKET
[Lorelai is shopping]
LORELAI: Oh, hey, Kirk. Doing your holiday shopping?
KIRK: Well, shopping, yes, and it is a holiday, but my shopping isn't holiday related, so technically no.
LORELAI: Oh, what happened there?
KIRK: Oh, nothing, just a little scratch.
LORELAI: Looks like a big scratch. Wow, Bactine, Neosporin, Mercurochrome what's with all the pharmacologicals?
KIRK: Oh, well, Kirk and I are going through a little adjustment period, that's all.
LORELAI: CatKirk?
KIRK: It's no biggie, and this looks a lot worse than it is.
LORELAI: Yeah, I can see that. So how'd it happen? Were you playing or something?
KIRK: We haven't actually played yet. This happened when I accidentally walked into the room without announcing myself.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
KIRK: I've discovered Kirk likes my presence announced before I enter any room that he's in.
LORELAI: You have to announce yourself?
KIRK: Yeah, just a quick, Is it okay if I come in?' from the adjacent room. Otherwise, he gets a little testy.
LORELAI: Hence the scratch.
KIRK: It's just a small laceration. Again, no biggie.
LORELAI: Kirk, he got your neck!
KIRK: That was another mistake of mine. I put his food bowl down in front of him. He doesn't like that. Or she doesn't.
LORELAI: She? I thought Kirk was a boy.
KIRK: That was just a guess. He actually hasn't exposed his underside to me yet. Or hers.
LORELAI: Well, here's hoping your cat exposes itself to you soon.
KIRK: From your mouth to God's ears. See ya.
LORELAI: See ya.
[Lorelai walks over to Dean]
LORELAI: Hi there.
DEAN: Hi.
LORELAI: So you pulled the Thanksgiving shift, huh?
DEAN: Yeah, I get time and a half.
LORELAI: Well, good, good. It's good to see you.
DEAN: Same here. Um, so, I gotta work.
LORELAI: Right, right. That Taylor's a dictator.
DEAN: Yeah.
LORELAI: Dean, wait. Um, look, we live in a teeny tiny little hamlet here. I mean, stick it in an envelope and we could mail the whole town for a buck-forty. It makes avoiding people tough and uncomfortable.
DEAN: I know.
LORELAI: I hate hiding from people, especially when I don't wanna hide from them. You were a pal. You were so good to Rory. You were the best first boyfriend a mother could've hoped for.
DEAN: Thanks.
LORELAI: It's okay to keep avoiding me if you want. I just wanted you to know that you don't need to, okay? Just because you and Rory broke up doesn't mean we did.
DEAN: Good. That's good to hear.
LORELAI: Well, Happy Thanksgiving.
DEAN: Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai walks out of the diner with a bag. Rory is waiting with several bouquets of flowers]
LORELAI: Aw, pretty!
RORY: Yeah, good selection today. You get everything?
LORELAI: And then some. Look.
RORY: Chocolate turkeys, nice!
LORELAI: I think they'll add a festive air.
RORY: Definitely. So, was he in there?
LORELAI: Yeah, he was.
RORY: Good, good. I hope he's good. Did he seem good?
LORELAI: He seemed good. He's getting time and a half.
RORY: Good, good.
LORELAI: So, let's go eat.
RORY: And eat and eat.
LORELAI: And eat and eat and eat.
RORY: And eat and eat and eat and eat. . .
LORELAI: And eat and eat and eat and eat. . .
RORY: And eat some more.
LORELAI: And eat and eat.
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Mrs. Kim opens the door; Lorelai and Rory are on the porch]
MRS. KIM: Ah, the Gilmores. Happy Thanksgiving.
LORELAI: Happy Thanksgiving.
RORY: Happy Thanksgiving.
MRS. KIM: Come in.
LORELAI: She's in a good mood this year.
RORY: Downright chipper.
LORELAI: So, um, Mrs. Kim, we, uh, we brought gifts.
RORY: Flowers.
LORELAI: And cranberry sauce, our little Thanksgiving tradition.
MRS. KIM: Thank you, can never have too much.
RORY: That's what we say.
LORELAI: Plus, a chocolate turkey.
MRS. KIM: What should I do with this?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know, let the kids share it.
MRS. KIM: And then send a blank check to their dentist?
LORELAI: They don't have to eat it, they can play with it.
MRS. KIM: Play with chocolate? It's missing its head.
LORELAI: Ooh, that one's ours. Here, this one has a head. There ya go.
MRS. KIM: Okay. [walks away]
LORELAI: My arms are too short to box with Mrs. Kim.
RORY: The singing's already g*n.
LORELAI: Mm. Who's that playing guitar? He looks familiar.
RORY: Oh my God, that's Lane's Dave.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, it is. He's all neat and tidy.
RORY: He's gone corporate.
LORELAI: He's gone Korean.
[Lane walks by and sees them]
LANE: Oh, hey, hi.
RORY: Hey yourself. Hey, how'd you get your mom to let you
LANE: Come on, girls, let's get you some punch. [leads them to the other room]
RORY: What's going on?
LANE: That is not Dave Rygalski.
LORELAI: Oh, intrigue.
RORY: Who is it?
LANE: I mean, not the one that I'm in a band with. That is Dave Rygalski, local Christian guitar player that my mom and I met very briefly and innocently at the dance marathon, and that I coincidentally ran across again when I found his ad seeking Christian guitar accompaniment gigs up on our church bulletin board.
LORELAI: Complicated.
LANE: I even put the fake ad up at church and pretended to find it with my mom next to me.
RORY: You're good.
LORELAI: So, are you guys dating?
LANE: We're laying the groundwork. If she gets to know him before we date and she approves of him, we won't have to hide anything.
LORELAI: Right, except how you met.
RORY: And who he really is.
LANE: But other than that, it's completely fib-free. Shh, shh!
MRS. KIM: Watch it. You break it, you buy it. Ten percent off for cousins, twenty percent off for nephews and nieces.
[Lorelai, Rory, and Lane walk into the room where the food table is set up]
LORELAI: Yung Kwan, good to see you. Hee Kim, hi. Oh, I love your hair. Su Nam, hi. Hi. Ho Kyung, Wan Kyu, great to see you, hi. Oh, Mrs. Kim, just a beautiful table, as always.
MRS. KIM: Try the tofurkey. Turkey made from tofu.
RORY: Oh, we definitely will.
LORELAI: Mm.
MRS. KIM: And meet the guitar player. Nice young man, big fan of tofurkey. David?
DAVE: Yes.
MRS. KIM: This is Rory Gilmore and Mrs. Gilmore.
LORELAI: Hi, nice to meet you.
DAVE: Oh, same here.
RORY: I think I've seen you around town.
DAVE: Yeah, that might be a possibility. Happy Thanksgiving.
LORELAI: Same to you.
MRS. KIM: Hymn 17 please.
DAVE: Yes, ma'am.
LORELAI: Wow, he seems like a very upright young man.
MRS. KIM: Not a bad sight-reader either. [walks away]
RORY: You're taking tofurkey?
LORELAI: Uh huh, and some extra napkins to slip the tofurkey into when no one is looking and then toss them away.
RORY: Very smart.
LANE: Um, Mama, just a thought, but maybe we can take a break from the hymns while we eat?
MRS. KIM: No break, he's paid to play. We can quit singing for now, but he should play soft in the background, okay?
DAVE: Yeah. Yes, ma'am.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the sidewalk]
RORY: The best laid plans.
LORELAI: Tell me about it.
RORY: How do you feel?
LORELAI: I ate tofurkey. How do you think I feel?
RORY: Tofurkier.
LORELAI: Drat that Mrs. Kim for not taking her eyes off me the whole time. . . it's like she was anticipating my napkin maneuver.
[They walk up to Sookie's yard. Sookie is sitting at a picnic table, and a group of people is standing near the porch]
LORELAI: Hi hon!
RORY: Happy Thanksgiving.
SOOKIE: Ah, thank you. Thank God, civilization has arrived.
LORELAI: What's wrong?
SOOKIE: What's wrong? Uh, do you not see what's going on here?
LORELAI: What's that?
SOOKIE: That is a vat of boiling oil.
LORELAI: Really? Where's Quasimodo?
SOOKIE: This is not a joking matter.
RORY: What is the oil for?
LORELAI: For pouring on visigoths.
SOOKIE: Lorelai!
LORELAI: When else am I gonna get to use my visigoth material?
RORY: What's the oil for?
SOOKIE: The turkey. My beautiful, expensive, organically grown turkey.
LORELAI: I don't get it.
SOOKIE: A couple of days ago, Jackson asked me if he could cook the turkey. I thought he was gonna roast it, stick a couple of onions around it, something simple. So I said yes, figuring that the minute he put it in the oven and leaves the kitchen, I can sneak in and give it a nice herb-bitter rub and stuff it with a pancetta-chestnut stuffing.
LORELAI: Sure, cause he'd never notice that.
SOOKIE: Exactly. Then the propane t*nk arrived, and the industrial burner, and the fifteen gallons of peanut oil. Then he springs it on me I'm gonna deep-fry a turkey."
LORELAI: Deep-fried turkey.
RORY: Interesting.
SOOKIE: I tried to talk him out of it, but I'd already promised and now he's excited about it.
GUY 1: Hey, what's keeping Jackson? Is he on the pot or something?
SOOKIE: Lots of precious memories in the making here.
GUY 1: Hey Jackson, get your butt out here with that gobbler!
SOOKIE: A gobbler.
RORY: Maybe it won't be that bad.
LORELAI: Yeah, deep-frying's kind of in now.
SOOKIE: I don't care. You don't deep-fry turkey. Uh, filet of fish, yes. A batch of fries, yes. A donut, yes. Not turkey.
GUY 1: Come on, let's get going!
GUY 2: Yeah, we're hungry!
EVERYONE: Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson. . .
[Jackson pushes open the door and holds up the turkey]
JACKSON: Did someone say. . .Jackson?
[the crowd cheers]
LORELAI: Wow, it's like Thunderdome in here.
SOOKIE: He should've just driven it out on a monster truck. He's shamelessly catering to his demographic.
JACKSON: Are you ready?
[the crowd cheers]
SOOKIE: Oh my God, I can't look.
EVERYONE: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six. . .
SOOKIE: Oh my God, they're counting down.
EVERYONE: . . .five, four, three, two, one!
[Jackson lowers the turkey into the vat]
LORELAI: It's in the vat.
SOOKIE: It's like a death in the family.
LORELAI: Look at the bright side, Sookie. At least this took your mind off the dinner at the inn.
SOOKIE: Oh my God, the inn. What if Bob decides to do something equally awful to the turkey at the inn? I have to call him.
JACKSON: Oh, hey guys.
LORELAI: Hey.
JACKSON: Neat, huh? And it only takes forty minutes.
LORELAI: Cool.
JACKSON: How ya doing, hon?
SOOKIE: Oh, fine, Sweets. [Lorelai hands her a beer] And keep them coming.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
LORELAI: Hey everybody.
BABETTE: Oh, hey there dollfaces. Happy Thanksgiving.
MOREY: Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving.
RORY: Hey. [hands Luke a bouquet of flowers]
LUKE: What's this?
RORY: Flowers.
LUKE: What do I do with them?
LORELAI: Ugh, not this again.
RORY: Put them in a vase with water.
LUKE: I don't have a vase.
LORELAI: You do this every year.
LUKE: I don't have vases.
LORELAI: Buy a vase.
LUKE: But I don't need a vase cause I never have flowers.
LORELAI: Except when we bring you flowers every year on Thanksgiving. Buy a vase.
LUKE: Stop bringing me flowers.
LORELAI: Stop bringing me flowers. I knew you were gonna say that because you say the same thing. We have this same exact conversation every year.
LUKE: And every year you point that out.
LORELAI: And every year you point that out.
LUKE: And every year you point that out.
RORY: And then every year we put the flowers on the counter and forget the ugliness ever happened.
LORELAI: Well, at least we have a tradition.
LUKE: Good. I'll be right back. That's our table over there.
LORELAI: Hey Kirk. Oh my God!
RORY: What happened?
KIRK: I'm scratched over sixty percent of my body.
LORELAI: Aw, CatKirk again?
KIRK: Ow.
LORELAI: Sorry.
BABETTE: I'm so mad at that cat.
MOREY: Very uncool cat.
BABETTE: I love cats, but I love Kirk, too. It's pretty much fifty-fifty, and that's a high compliment, my friend.
LORELAI: How did this happen?
KIRK: Well, the tension of our standoff was unbearable, so I got on the floor and tried to play with him.
LORELAI: It's a him?
KIRK: I caught a peek.
LORELAI: Go on.
KIRK: I rolled this cute little ball of yarn over to him all nice and gentle. He tried to garrote me with it.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
MOREY: Very uncool.
KIRK: Just grabbed two ends with his paws and came at me.
RORY: But he doesn't have opposable thumbs.
KIRK: He's beyond them. And he's smart. He knows things, sometimes before they happen.
LORELAI: Get a hold of yourself, man.
KIRK: You haven't heard the worst.
RORY: Oh geez, there's worse?
KIRK: When the att*cks got particularly brutal, I had no choice but to strip naked and hide under water in the bathtub. I read that cats are afraid of water.
BABETTE: They are, they are.
KIRK: Kirk isn't. He found me, and he seemed to derive greater power from the water. That's when the bulk of the scratching happened.
LORELAI: Well, then, I think it's good you're giving Kirk a little space right now. Just relax and enjoy your food.
KIRK: I can't taste my food.
LORELAI: Well, then, just try to relax.
KIRK: Thanks.
[Lorelai and Rory walk over to their table; Jess walks over]
JESS: Hey.
RORY: Hey. [they kiss]
JESS: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi, Happy Thanksgiving. So, are you joining us?
JESS: Uh, sure, if that's okay.
LORELAI: Yeah, sit, sit.
[Luke and Caesar bring the plates over]
JESS: God, I'm starved.
LUKE: You could've eaten.
JESS: You kept telling me not to eat.
LUKE: I did not.
JESS: You did, too. You said you were waiting for them.
LORELAI: Aw, you didn't have to wait for us.
LUKE: I wasn't waiting for you, it just worked out this way.
JESS: Right.
RORY: Looks great.
LORELAI: Tasty.
LUKE: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
JESS: Thanks for what?
LUKE: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
LORELAI: Amen.
LUKE: So where you guys in your day?
RORY: We h*t the Kim's, we h*t Sookie's, and we go to the grandparents from here.
LORELAI: Full day.
LUKE: Yeah. Well, you can skip eating this one if you want. Just have cokes or something, it's no big deal.
LORELAI: No, no way, you're the main event today, my friend.
LUKE: Oh, good.
RORY: What's good are the yams.
LORELAI: Definitely. Got some more marshmallows?
LUKE: Yeah, I can grab some. Hey, refill some coffees. [Luke and Jess walk away]
LORELAI: So, no offense, but lame-o kiss.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You and Jess, like a couple chickens pecking at each other.
RORY: Mind your own business.
LORELAI: Well, it was right in front of me.
RORY: So, I don't need a review.
LORELAI: Sorry.
RORY: I'm just not good with the public displays.
LORELAI: You didn't have that problem with Dean.
RORY: I know, but now I just feel like everybody's watching me.
LORELAI: People are not watching you.
RORY: You were watching me.
LORELAI: I created you. It's biologically predetermined that I watch you.
RORY: I just don't know how this whole second boyfriend thing is supposed to go.
LORELAI: Well, he's your first second boyfriend. Give it time.
RORY: The whole town got used to me with Dean, it's just weird.
LORELAI: It'll get easier. You're gonna have hundreds of men in your life.
RORY: Gee, thanks.
LORELAI: Well, maybe not hundreds, but a couple, three, more. It'll get easier.
RORY: I guess.
LORELAI: Honey, they'll adjust to seeing you with Jess.
RORY: And then there's Dean. What do I do about him?
LORELAI: Well, you know, he'll be moving on, too.
RORY: Oh, right, of course he will, yeah.
BABETTE: Well, we're outta here.
MOREY: Time to walk some of this off.
BABETTE: Oh, we'd have to walk to China to walk all of it off. Which way's China?
LORELAI: Thataway. Have a good night.
BABETTE: Thanks. By the way, that was some half-assed kiss you two had. You gotta give it a little something, honey.
LORELAI: Bye Babette. Bye Morey.
BABETTE: Bye.
RORY: The whole town is watching.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory walk up to the front door]
RORY: You ready for this?
LORELAI: Of course.
RORY: Even with the Cold w*r?
LORELAI: That's been going on for thirty-four years? I can manage.
RORY: It's been a bit colder these past few weeks.
LORELAI: Oh no, I'm fine, you know why? Because in two hours and I do plan on extricating us from here in exactly two hours the night will be over and I won't have to see them again until next year. Oh, start your stopwatch.
[Emily opens the door]
EMILY: Hello.
RORY: Hi Grandma. Happy Thanksgiving.
EMILY: Thank you, Rory. Happy Thanksgiving, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Happy Thanksgiving. [mumbles to Rory] One hour, fifty-nine minutes, and forty seconds.
[they walk into the house]
LORELAI: Oh, wow, it's a piano player.
EMILY: That's Brad. I found him at Nordstrom's.
LORELAI: Was he on sale?
EMILY: I thought a little background music would add a nice touch. He knows every song ever written.
LORELAI: Free Bird! Hi Brad.
EMILY: Lorelai, please. Now come along, everyone's here. [they walk to living room] We're all here.
RICHARD: Oh, good. Happy Thanksgiving, Rory.
RORY: Happy Thanksgiving, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Dad.
RICHARD: These are our guests, Natalie and Douglas Swope.
EMILY: You two have met.
LORELAI: Yes, at the auction.
NATALIE: Good to see you again.
LORELAI: Yes.
DOUGLAS: Nice to meet you.
LORELAI: Yes, you, too.
RORY: Same here.
RICHARD: And this is our international contingent, Claude and Monique Clemenceau. They're just in from France.
LORELAI: Ah, Clemenceau, huh, I'd have guessed Spain.
CLAUDE: Hello, how are you? [kisses Lorelai's hand]
LORELAI: Oh, ooh.
MONIQUE: Hello.
RICHARD: Monique, voici ma fille et ma petite fille.
MONIQUE: Ah. Elle sont si jolies.
CLAUDE: My Monique speaks only French, so please excuse the inconvenience.
LORELAI: Oh, no, that's fine. I love French.
CLAUDE: She really wants to learn English, perhaps tonight will inspire her. [to Monique] Je leur ai dit que tu voulais à prendre l'anglais.
MONIQUE: L'anglais, oui, je veux à prendre, mais je suis tellement parasseuse.
RICHARD: Ah, ça prends de temps, Monique. Ah, t'en fais pas.
MONIQUE: Merci.
RICHARD: Oh, no no no. That's why I love it when the Clemenceaus visit. It gives me the opportunity to haul out my rusty French.
CLAUDE: Your French is wonderful, Richard. It always has been.
RICHARD: Aw, non, tu es tres gentil. Please, sit, sit, sit.
CLAUDE: Merci. So, Rory, you speak French at all?
RORY: Just a tiny little bit.
CLAUDE: Un tout petite peu?
RORY: Oui, un tout petite peu.
CLAUDE: And you, my dear?
LORELAI: Even less. Uh, voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir? That's about it.
RICHARD: Lorelai.
EMILY: Oh my God.
LORELAI: It's just a joke.
RICHARD: Asking my friend to go to bed with you is a joke?
RORY: It's a song.
LORELAI: It's just a joke, Dad.
CLAUDE: Oh, voici c'est un chanson du pop. It's a pop song, ah, Monique. . . I did not know that.
MONIQUE: Lady Marmalade.
CLAUDE: It's very rich. It's very, very funny.
LORELAI: Oh, well, thank you.
CLAUDE: You need a drink, oui?
LORELAI: Very astute, Claude. Martini with a twist, Dad.
RICHARD: All right.
DOUGLAS: Is this your first American Thanksgiving, Claude?
CLAUDE: It is, it is. I've seen it in the movies. People seem to eat and eat and eat until they can't eat anymore.
LORELAI: That's about it.
NATALIE: It's about giving thanks, gets you thinking about the good things.
DOUGLAS: We have a lot to give thanks for in this country.
EMILY: Definitely.
CLAUDE: Me, I start each day giving thanks for three things Cuban cigars, French champagne, and gorgeous women. And I must give extra thanks for the extraordinary group here tonight.
LORELAI: Douglas, Richard, leave us, won't you?
RICHARD: What?
EMILY: Just another joke.
CLAUDE: Oh, I missed another joke?
NATALIE: You have your mother's wit.
EMILY: Sometimes I wish she'd give it back.
DOUGLAS: Emily mentioned that you were coming from another function?
CLAUDE: No, this is your second dinner?
RORY: Fourth, actually.
NATALIE: Fourth?
RICHARD: Oh, thank you for fitting us in, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Don't worry, Dad. You're the main event. [to Rory] An hour and fifty six minutes.
CUT TO DINING ROOM
[Everyone is seated at the table]
NATALIE: Beautiful table, Emily. You've outdone yourself yet again.
EMILY: Oh, it's nothing.
RICHARD: Well, is everyone settled? Is everyone comfy?
EVERYONE: Yes.
LORELAI: Yes, Dad, we're fine.
RICHARD: Well, then, let's get going.
[Emily rings a bell, the maids bring out the turkey]
NATALIE: Gorgeous.
DOUGLAS: Oh, wonderful.
CLAUDE: Is it for us or the whole neighborhood?
NATALIE: Very nice.
[Richard carves a piece off, then the maids start to take the turkey away]
LORELAI: Oh, ho, who gets the big piece?
RICHARD: I'm sorry?
LORELAI: Aren't you supposed to keep carving?
RICHARD: That was strictly ceremonial.
LORELAI: Ceremonial?
EMILY: Ceremonial.
CLAUDE: Cérémonial.
MONIQUE: Cérémonial.
EMILY: Please, start on the salads everyone.
LORELAI: Is there anything ceremonial about the salads? Do we carve a crouton, then have them taken away?
EMILY: No, no ceremony.
RORY: Salad's great, Grandma.
EMILY: I'm surprised you can eat at this point, even salad.
RORY: There's still room.
LORELAI: And if there isn't room, we'll add on. I know a good contractor.
CLAUDE: She's like your Jerry Lewis. She's very, very funny.
NATALIE: Rory, did your grandmother say you were a high school senior?
RORY: Mmhmm.
NATALIE: So you're going through this horrible period of applying to college.
RORY: It's not so horrible.
RICHARD: She's got it pretty well covered.
LORELAI: That's right.
NATALIE: All your applications are in?
RORY: I've applied.
DOUGLAS: We have a grandson your age, he's going through hell.
NATALIE: He's already been turned down for early admission to Stanford, his dream.
DOUGLAS: Took it pretty hard.
NATALIE: Children put so much stress on themselves these days.
RORY: It's pretty stressful.
NATALIE: He's waiting to hear from his backups.
CLAUDE: I have a grandson who lives with his mother in Orlando, you know, he's going through a very similar thing, poor boy.
EMILY: How do they like Orlando, Claude?
CLAUDE: Well, it's all Mickey Mouse this and Mickey Mouse that, you know. They want to die.
EMILY: That's too bad.
NATALIE: Where did you apply, dear?
RORY: Harvard.
DOUGLAS: No word yet?
RORY: I'm not supposed to hear back for awhile.
DOUGLAS: Where else?
RORY: Where else?
DOUGLAS: Where else did you apply? Your alternates?
NATALIE: We're so curious, it's like we've been going through this ourselves.
RORY: Well, I'm pretty much counting on Harvard.
DOUGLAS: Well, you didn't apply to just Harvard, did you?
RORY: Well, no.
LORELAI: No?
NATALIE: Am I prying?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: We applied elsewhere?
DOUGLAS: You can't just apply to one place.
NATALIE: Chilton wouldn't allow that.
LORELAI: Is that true?
RORY: Pretty much.
LORELAI: Why didn't you tell me that?
RORY: I was going to.
NATALIE: You have to be safe.
CLAUDE: My grandson six schools.
DOUGLAS: Same with Dustin.
LORELAI: Where else did you apply?
RORY: Just at some other schools.
DOUGLAS: Well, if you're aiming at Harvard, that would be Princeton, Yale, maybe Vassar, Wesleyan.
CLAUDE: Certainly Yale because of Richard's connections, yes?
NATALIE: I would assume so.
RORY: Those are the kinds of places, yup.
LORELAI: The kinds of places or the places? Rory?
RORY: Princeton. . . um, Yale.
LORELAI: Yale?
RICHARD: Yes?
LORELAI: Yale, Dad?
RICHARD: Oh, this is the first I'm hearing about it, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, bull.
RORY: Mom.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: You did this.
RICHARD: I haven't discussed this awful subject since the debacle at the campus.
LORELAI: You forced her hand.
RICHARD: I did nothing of the sort.
RORY: Mom, wait.
LORELAI: You made it seem like you'd be deeply hurt if she didn't apply to Yale, and she's very sensitive, so that's as good as forcing her hand.
EMILY: Lorelai, really.
LORELAI: You wanted her to go to Yale instead of Harvard, didn't you?
RICHARD: Well, that wasn't a secret.
CLAUDE: Lorelai ne veut pas que Rory aille à Yale.
RICHARD: Je suis désolé de ce qui ce passe ici.
LORELAI: Stick to English, Dad.
RORY: Grandpa didn't force my hand.
LORELAI: Honey, you weren't aware he was doing it.
RICHARD: She is not a puppet, Lorelai.
RORY: I needed a backup.
LORELAI: But why Yale?
RORY: I could live at home.
LORELAI: You.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Well, you got to her. That was your thing.
NATALIE: I'm afraid we started this.
EMILY: This is not your doing, Natalie.
RICHARD: Encore une fois, je suis désolé.
EMILY: I never spoke to Rory about that.
LORELAI: I don't believe you.
RORY: I figured it out on my own, Mom.
LORELAI: You're saying there have been no conversations, no emails?
RORY: I can read a map.
LORELAI: This is unbelievable.
RICHARD: And past indelicate. We have guests.
LORELAI: Yes, I'm sorry, I apologize, I'm sorry you have to see this.
EMILY: This is paranoia, Lorelai. There's been no conspiring.
LORELAI: I'm not being paranoid, Mom. For seventeen years, she was going to Harvard, and now all of a sudden, she's applied to Yale and she's mimicking everything you say. This is just crazy. [leaves the room]
CLAUDE: Elle a dit que, c'est de la folie.'
EMILY: Excuse me, please.
CUT TO BACK PATIO
[Lorelai is standing outside as Emily walks out the back door]
EMILY: It's freezing out here.
LORELAI: It's Jamaica compared to in there.
EMILY: It's just an alternative to Harvard, a backup. It changes nothing.
LORELAI: No, no.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Mom, I don't wanna talk.
EMILY: Do you believe we had nothing to do with this?
LORELAI: Just for a second, Mom, please. Just let me digest this for a second. All this Yale stuff. . .agh!
EMILY: You can't even let Rory have one piece of our lives, even if it's her choice. You hate us that much.
[Lorelai doesn't respond. Emily walks back into the house]
CUT TO THE KIM'S HOUSE
[The last of the guests are leaving]
MRS. KIM: Goodbye, drive safe.
GUEST: Thank you. [leaves]
LANE: Excellent Thanksgiving, Mama.
MRS. KIM: I think people had fun.
LANE: And it was nice of you to only charge half price on the chair that Yung Hee broke.
MRS. KIM: That was my cost.
LANE: That why it was nice.
DAVE: Well, I guess I'll be going.
MRS. KIM: All right. You did a good job. Thank you for your time, David.
DAVE: Oh, you're welcome, Mrs. Kim. I enjoyed it.
LANE: Yes, thank you.
DAVE: You're welcome.
MRS. KIM: Here. Some rice, spinach, lots of tofurkey.
DAVE: Great, thanks.
MRS. KIM: And something for your time.
DAVE: That's very nice, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving.
MRS. KIM: Goodbye.
[Dave leaves]
MRS. KIM: Keep clearing. I'm going to start on the kitchen.
LANE: Okay. Oh, Mama, look. Dave's bible. He forgot it. He's gonna need this, too. I'll run it out to him.
MRS. KIM: Wait.
LANE: We're gonna miss him.
MRS. KIM: Let me see that. [takes the bible and reads the inside cover] This bible belongs to God, but is being used by Dave Rygalski.' [hands the bible back to Lane] Go on.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lane rushes down the sidewalk; Dave is waiting by a tree]
DAVE: Wow, you run really quiet.
LANE: Sorry, I'm sorry about everything.
DAVE: What?
LANE: The whole night. I had no idea she'd make you play five straight hours without a break.
DAVE: It's okay.
LANE: Your hands must be d*ad.
DAVE: They're just a little numb. But I've got these Kurt Cobain calluses now, how cool is that?
LANE: But this whole thing, this whole charade, the fake flier and everything, it was too much.
DAVE: Lane, it's fine. And that flier I've gotten like three other calls for paying gigs. I should be paying you a commission.
LANE: Oh, that's not necessary.
DAVE: And check it out twenty bucks.
LANE: Wow, she liked you.
DAVE: We'll put it towards our first real date.
LANE: Really? After all this the marathon hymns, the weak punch, the crabby Koreans, you still wanna go out on a date with me?
[Dave nods, then kisses her]
DAVE: I've gotta go. . . but I'm gonna call you tomorrow.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street]
RORY: Are you mad?
LORELAI: No, I'm not mad.
RORY: You seem mad.
LORELAI: I'm not mad.
RORY: What are you feeling?
LORELAI: I wouldn't know how to word it.
RORY: Try.
LORELAI: See, my head knows that whichever one of these places you go, Harvard, Princeton, Yale. . .it's gonna be great. It's gonna be awesome, and you're gonna come out on the other side an even more amazing you. But I just wish my head could sit down and have a chat with that gnawing feeling in my gut that's there every time my parents get involved in anything and tell it, it's gonna be okay.
RORY: It's gonna be okay.
LORELAI: Nice try.
[They walk across Sookie's front yard]
JACKSON: What else are we putting in the pot? Come on, let's think of something. Uh, a raspberry, a deep-fried raspberry. How bout a rasquat?
GUY: Cake!
JACKSON: Cake! Deep-fried cake!
GUY: Dibs on the deep-fried cake!
JACKSON: You haven't even eaten your deep-fried biscotti.
[Lorelai and Rory sit down at the picnic table with Sookie]
LORELAI: Hey, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Ah, hi there.
LORELAI: Are you okay?
SOOKIE: This tastes good.
LORELAI: Yeah, it looks like they're deep-frying
SOOKIE: Everything.
LORELAI: Huh.
SOOKIE: Vegetables, mashed potatoes, butter, pickles, salt, a napkin.
RORY: And yet, you're very serene.
LORELAI: Uh, you're practically floating.
SOOKIE: Well, you caught me at a good time, ladies. I've already gone through the five stages of grieving. Denial, anger. . .I don't remember these two, but they were served on the rocks with salt! Now, I'm just happily enscotched in acceptance. Enscotched. . .
RORY: Ensconced?
SOOKIE: Ensconced that's it! I do believe I heard Phil suggest throwing Junior in.
LORELAI: Junior?
SOOKIE: His nephew.
LORELAI: Whoa.
SOOKIE: I chimed in on that one.
LORELAI: What happened over there?
SOOKIE: Mm, about a half-hour ago they set the lawn on f*re.
LORELAI: Ah.
SOOKIE: But Phil says it's okay and everything cause it'll grow back twice as lush. Though that's what he said when he broke my salad bowl that I brought back from Belgium. That'll maybe grow back, too, huh? [laughs] Phil is a riot. Am I crying or laughing?
LORELAI: Laughing.
SOOKIE: Good.
[Rory's pager goes off]
LORELAI: Who's that?
RORY: It's Lane. It just says bible kiss bible'.
LORELAI: What does that mean?
RORY: I have no idea. Good band name, though.
LORELAI: Honey, we should get going? You gonna be okay?
SOOKIE: I'm Sookie.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, but you're gonna be okay, right? You'll go to bed soon.
SOOKIE: Unless they deep-fried it.
LORELAI: I'm sure they haven't. Okay, we'll see you tomorrow.
[Lorelai and Rory start walking away]
RORY: Poor thing.
LORELAI: Oh, she may not remember any of it.
JACKSON: Deep-fried shoe!
GUY: Deep-fried shoe!
[Everyone cheers]
CUT TO FRONT OF LUKE'S DINER
[Luke and Jess walk out of the diner; Jess is carrying a garbage bag]
JESS: Get more trash cans.
LUKE: I don't need more.
JESS: You make me run around town for a place to dump this.
LUKE: Just dump it in one of Taylor's bins. It gets it out of here and it'll drive Taylor crazy. It's a win-win.
LORELAI: Hi guys.
LUKE: We're out of food.
LORELAI: Oh, please, we're not eating for a year.
RORY: Or til tomorrow morning.
LORELAI: Whichever comes first. Hi Saint Nick.
JESS: Tell him he needs to get more trash cans.
LUKE: Just go.
LORELAI: You got any coffee?
LUKE: That I've got. Come on in. Hey, did I see flames coming from Sookie's place about a half-hour ago?
LORELAI: Yeah, why?
[Lorelai and Luke walk into the diner. Rory follows Jess down the sidewalk]
JESS: I still say you should get more tra. . .
[Rory kisses him]
RORY: Hi.
JESS: Hi.
RORY: Later.
[Rory walks away. As Jess carries the trash bag down the street, he finds Dean standing on the sidewalk]
DEAN: Nothing to say?
JESS: Guess not.
DEAN: That's funny, you usually have something to say.
JESS: Guess I'm all talked out.
DEAN: What's the matter, Jess? Why you walking away?
JESS: It's getting a little West Side Story here, Dean, and I gotta warn you, my dancing skills are not up to snuff.
DEAN: But now's your chance, there's no one else around.
JESS: Go home. Cool off.
DEAN: Come on, make one of your Boy Scout references, or a good Farmer John joke. I got my Doose's Market apron with me you want me to put it on, give you a little inspiration? I don't get it, what happened you suddenly like me now?
JESS: Oh yeah, I was just about to invite you camping.
DEAN: Good, okay, now we're getting somewhere.
JESS: I'm not gonna fight you, Dean.
DEAN: Why?
JESS: Cause if I fight you, Rory's gonna think it's my fault, so just forget it, okay? Just forget it. Go home. Let it rest.
DEAN: So Rory's got a nice little hold on you now, huh?
JESS: Geez. Don't do that.
DEAN: How does it feel?
JESS: It feels like I'm with Rory and you're not.
DEAN: You know, when all this happened with you and me and Rory, I figured I'd just stay out of everyone's way, that that would be easiest. But now, I'm looking at you and I'm thinking, I'm gonna run from him? The Glad Man. This is my town, I'm not hiding. And I don't have be remotely calm around you anymore, and I like that feeling. I like it a lot. Happy Thanksgiving, Jess.
CUT TO INSIDE THE DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the counter]
LUKE: So, how did the four dinners work out? You guys must feel more stuffed than you've ever been.
LORELAI: I don't know. Is this more stuffed than the great Six Flags hot dog consumption of 99?
RORY: No, or the taffy binge of '97.
LORELAI: Not by a long sh*t. See, we didn't eat at my parents because of the upset, so we really had three dinners, not four.
RORY: Which means. . .
LORELAI: What?
RORY: We didn't have to skip rolls.
LORELAI: Oh yeah. Hey, do you have any rolls left?
LUKE: No. Come on.
LORELAI: Just a little something for the walk home.
[Luke hands her a bag of rolls]
LUKE: I don't see how you do it.
LORELAI: Well, you're not us, are ya? Night Luke.
RORY: Night Luke.
LUKE: Night.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Rory walk past the gazebo]
LORELAI: This has been a nice Thanksgiving.
RORY: Very.
LORELAI: Nicer for some than others though.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Night Kirk!
[Kirk is trying to go to sleep on a bench in the gazebo]
KIRK: Night.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x09 - A Deep-Fried Korean Thanskgiving"} | foreverdreaming |
3.10 - That'll Do, Pig
written by Shelia R. Lawrence
directed by Jamie Babbit
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai, Rory, and Lane are walking through the center of town]
LANE: Are you serious?
LORELAI: I am serious.
LANE: We can really rehearse in your garage?
LORELAI: In exchange for the promise that you never pose naked on the cover of Rolling Stone no matter how much trouble your career is in.
LANE: I promise. I love you. Do you know how amazing your mother is?
LORELAI: No. Tell her, would ya? She forgot this morning.
RORY: Because hot water is enjoyed by all, not just by you.
LORELAI: I wasn't in the shower that long.
RORY: Man, it's winter carnival time again already.
LANE: Yup.
RORY: Are you going?
LANE: I have to. We are raising money for the marching band this year, mandatory booth manning is involved.
LORELAI: Man, Lane marching band, rock band.
LANE: Music is my life.
LORELAI: Hi Mrs. Kim!
LANE: So not funny.
RORY: Raising money for the marching band to do what?
LORELAI: Please let it be new uniforms.
LANE: It's for letters so we can finally have letter carriers. For some reason, the powers that be think that the reason we never win at competitions is because no one knows who we are. The fact that we suck has never occurred to them. What's wrong with our uniforms?
LORELAI: Nothing.
LANE: We look stupid, right?
LORELAI: No.
LANE: The plumes are too big, and it looks like big red fountains of blood spurting out of our heads.
LORELAI: I love the uniforms.
LANE: It's bad enough I have to be in marching band at all without being mocked for what is mandatory for us to wear.
LORELAI: No, no, no, I didn't mean, I. . .remind her that she gets to rehearse in our garage cause I think I'm losing points here.
RORY: Your uniforms are great, and people knowing who you are can only help. Now let's just enjoy the snow, okay?
LANE: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: Especially since some of us have been freezing since our showers this morning.
LORELAI: I wasn't in there that long.
LANE: I'm sorry, can we get back to the band uniforms, cause on a scale of one to ten, how much do I not wanna let Dave see me like that?
LORELAI/RORY: Ten.
LANE: Okay, thanks.
[opening credits]
CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM
TEACHER: To evaluate the value of a function of X when X equals pi. You want to start by splitting the intregal into two separate intregals. Now, since the left intregal is a variable of a constant exponent, remember C is a constant, add one and divide by the new power.
MADELINE: Paris, what did he say?
PARIS: Hm?
MADELINE: He's talking too fast, I missed it.
PARIS: Ask Louise.
MADELINE: Louise, what did he say?
LOUISE: I don't know, ask Paris.
MADELINE: She told me to ask you.
LOUISE: Why would she do that?
MADELINE: I don't know.
LOUISE: Did you guys have a fight?
MADELINE: Not that I know of.
TEACHER: . . . The right intregal, however, is more complex. You have to use U substitution with U equals 3 feet. [bell rings] We'll pick up at the same place tomorrow.
RORY: The bell rang.
PARIS: What?
RORY: The bell? That loud metal musical contraption that when h*t loudly by a vibrating mallet signals the end of this particular educational experience.
PARIS: Class is over?
RORY: Yup.
PARIS: What did he talk about?
MADELINE: Ask Louise.
PARIS: I didn't take notes. I didn't pay attention. I'm going to. . .
RORY: Borrow my notes and be just fine.
PARIS: Thank you.
MADELINE: Madeline want notes, too, please.
LOUISE: Add one and divide by the new power? Oh, I thought it said add one and divide by the Jew power. It makes much more sense this way.
PARIS: I can't believe I zoned out for the entire class.
RORY: You must have a lot on your mind.
PARIS: I do.
RORY: I'm sure. Okay, so, onto the next thing. I don't think I'll have the prom bids ready for the supplemental student council meeting this week.
PARIS: Oh.
RORY: They need a little more time to get the details together, so that leaves a little hole in our agenda. Any thoughts?
PARIS: Well, we can just cancel the supplementary meeting this week.
RORY: What?
PARIS: Well, if there's nothing really to talk about, what's the point, right?
LOUISE: You said that one student council meeting a week was not enough.
MADELINE: Yeah, you said that was no way to govern, that meeting once a week was lazy, ineffectual, and if we were going to do it like that, we might as well just buy ourselves a ranch in Texas.
PARIS: Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated brow line? Man, was my face red.
MADELINE: I've done that, too. Ooh, it's bad.
LOUISE: She was being sarcastic.
MADELINE: Well, I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month.
PARIS: We'll just take this week off, and next week we'll go back to twice a week, okay?
RORY: Sounds fair.
LOUISE: Sounds fab.
FRANCIE: I heard something about the supplemental student council meeting anything I need to know about, a new chart to be made, perhaps?
PARIS: No. We were just saying that the agenda seems light this week, so I've decided to cancel it, and we can just gather at the regular meeting on Friday.
FRANCIE: Wow, this is quite a change in plans.
PARIS: You have a problem with it?
FRANCIE: No, I'm just surprised. You seem so attached to those meetings.
PARIS: Well, I finally got a blankie. It's much better.
FRANCIE: Okay, no extra meeting this week. What will I do with all that extra time? Well, I guess I'll think of something.
PARIS: Take a picture of which outfit wins, will ya?
RORY: Bye Francie.
FRANCIE: Bye.
[Rory and Paris walk into the hallway]
PARIS: I met his parents.
RORY: You did?
PARIS: He bought me a ticket, and I took the train to Philadelphia, and he met me at the station, and I spent Christmas with him and his family.
RORY: Sounds nice.
PARIS: No, not nice. It was perfect. They had a Christmas tree twelve feet tall. Everything was red and silver and there was eggnog. Have you ever had eggnog?
RORY: Yes, I have.
PARIS: It's disgusting.
RORY: Yes, it is.
PARIS: But disgusting in a really great way. And they had tiny wreaths hanging from every doorknob, and mistletoe and candles everywhere. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I've never had a Christmas before. One year, I asked my mother if we could get a Chanukah bush. She made me watch Shoah the rest of the week.
RORY: Wow.
PARIS: The place smelled like cinnamon all the time, and there was a f*re in the fireplace, and a ton of presents. I mean, hundreds of presents. I'm looking at this mound of gifts, and I'm thinking, Eight days of Chanukah. . . who was the skinflint who thought up that deal?'
RORY: Don't the eight days symbolize something?
PARIS: Yes, they symbolize eight days of ripping off the little kids who can't have a Chanukah bush.
RORY: You're making me sad.
PARIS: His mother bought me a present.
RORY: Well, that says something.
PARIS: What does it say?
RORY: It says that Jamie likes you enough that she felt compelled to buy you a present.
PARIS: I had the most amazing time. Sitting around the tree opening presents, and they played Christmas music and we drank apple cider. . .it was so nice. And then his grandfather and I wound up in a theological discussion. Jesus Messiah or nice Jewish kid with a hammer? It got pretty heated.
RORY: Okay, skip to the end, I can't take it. How did it turn out?
PARIS: He told me he loved me.
RORY: Aw, Paris!
PARIS: I never thought I'd hear a boy tell me he loved me.
RORY: That's great.
PARIS: He invited me back up for Easter break.
RORY: You're going, I assume?
PARIS: Are you kidding? And miss a chance to debate Christ rising from the d*ad? I'm so there.
RORY: Jamie's a lucky man.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai walks through the dining room as Michel speaks Hungarian to a group of guests. The guests get angry, and Michel runs out of the room]
MICHEL: Move, please.
LORELAI: Whoa, what's going on?
MICHEL: I cannot talk now, please.
LORELAI: Michel, they sound really angry.
MICHEL: They do, don't they?
LORELAI: What did you say?
MICHEL: I don't know.
LORELAI: What do you mean you don't know? All you had to say was Welcome to Stars Hollow,' that's it.
MICHEL: I know, I thought I did, and then they got angry and threw breadsticks and butter pats.
LORELAI: Michel.
MICHEL: I'm looking. [flips through a dictionary]
LORELAI: You only had to say one word in Hungarian welcome, that's it. How bad could it be?
MICHEL: Very bad.
LORELAI: Oh, Michel.
MICHEL: Very, very bad.
LORELAI: Be careful.
[Michel walks back to the guests as the phone rings. Lorelai answers]
LORELAI: Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.
EMILY: Well, your father's sixtieth birthday dinner is back on.
LORELAI: What sixtieth birthday dinner?
EMILY: The one that I had planned for Wednesday night.
LORELAI: Oh, were we coming?
EMILY: Of course you were coming. You think you wouldn't be invited?
LORELAI: Well, apparently, we weren't invited.
EMILY: I had just started planning the whole thing when he came home in a mood and declared that parties were for children and it was canceled.
LORELAI: Were we disappointed?
EMILY: However, today he came in and changed his mind, so I expect the two of you at eight. And bring a gift, but don't get him a cigar humidor.
LORELAI: Okay.
EMILY: I bought him a cigar humidor.
LORELAI: I assumed.
EMILY: It's gorgeous. It belonged to a lieutenant in the army in World w*r I. Apparently, he kept it in his field office in France. There are carvings in the bottom that the dealer said could possibly be coded messages.
LORELAI: Cool.
EMILY: I think so, too. All right, eight o'clock, do not be late.
LORELAI: Okay, we will not be late. Bye. [hangs up the phone as Michel walks back to the desk] Well?
MICHEL: It's fine. All we have to do is pay the ransom and they will give us the busboy back.
LORELAI: Oh, whoa, uh. . .
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen and starts screaming. She traps a spider under a cup on the floor. There's a knock at the back door.]
LORELAI: Come in. [Dean walks in] Dean, hi.
DEAN: Hi. Uh, I hope I'm not disturbing anything.
LORELAI: Oh, no, absolutely not.
DEAN: Good. Um, I just wanted to. . .
LORELAI: Ah, ah!
DEAN: What?
LORELAI: Don't kick the cup.
DEAN: The what?
LORELAI: I have a spider whose previous credits include the bathtub scene from Annie Hall trapped under that cup.
DEAN: The size of a Buick?
LORELAI: Yeah.
DEAN: I see. And what are you planning to do now that you've got him trapped?
LORELAI: Well, I was thinking of just giving him the kitchen.
DEAN: Okay.
LORELAI: Cause, you know, we don't use it very much anyhow, so, uh. . .
DEAN: I could get rid of it if you want.
LORELAI: Yeah, that'd be great. Just, careful . . . He heard me talking, so don't let him get away. He knows I'm behind this, he'll come after me. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I guess you can see why camping's completely out of the question for me.
DEAN: Got it.
LORELAI: Okay, great. Could ya. . .uh. . .[gestures to the back door]
DEAN: Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem.
LORELAI: Don't let his family see you. Spiders are vindictive.
[Dean takes the spider out the back door]
RORY: [calls from front hall] Mom?
LORELAI: Uh, Rory.
[Rory walks into the kitchen]
RORY: Can we do pizza tonight? I've got a ton of studying to do.
LORELAI: Sure, pizza sounds great.
RORY: Good. Why's the door open?
LORELAI: The door is open because. . .Dean's here.
[Dean walks in]
RORY: Hi.
DEAN: Hi.
LORELAI: Um, Dean threw out a spider for me.
DEAN: I just came by to drop off some of your stuff.
RORY: Oh.
DEAN: Just some books you loaned me, a couple of CD's.
RORY: Okay, thanks.
DEAN: Yeah, sure. Okay, so, I'm gonna go.
LORELAI: Thanks Dean.
[Dean leaves]
LORELAI: It was a really big spider. I think it had a g*n. What are you feeling right now?
RORY: Nothing.
LORELAI: Not weirded out, even a little?
RORY: Why would I be weirded out?
LORELAI: Well, Dean coming over, bringing your stuff back.
RORY: No, I'm fine.
LORELAI: Okay. Although, you know, if you were weirded out a little, it would be okay. It wouldn't mean that you don't like Jess, or that you made a mistake. It would just mean the guy who was in your life for two years isn't there anymore.
RORY: I was just surprised, that's all.
LORELAI: If you say so.
RORY: I do.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: I'm gonna go start studying.
LORELAI: I'll order the pizza.
RORY: Thank you.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory and Jess are walking through the town square]
RORY: You know what just occurred to me? That we are very fortunate to have good teeth.
JESS: Yes, very fortunate.
RORY: Can you imagine if braces were involved in this interaction?
JESS: It'd be a bloodbath.
RORY: I can't catch my breath.
JESS: You're not supposed to.
RORY: Hey, listen, Thursday night is the Stars Hollow High Winter Carnival.
JESS: Oh yeah?
RORY: Yeah, I thought we could go, meet Lane there.
JESS: Nope.
RORY: But it'd be really fun. They'll have really bad games and really bad food and the marching band will play and
JESS: Rory, I'm doing some of my best work here and you're just talking right through it.
RORY: Come on, let's go to the carnival.
JESS: I don't go to these stupid town things.
RORY: You went to the Bid-A-Basket festival. You went to the dance marathon.
JESS: That was when I was trying to get you. I now have you. That means I don't have to go anymore.
RORY: You're serious?
JESS: As a heart att*ck.
RORY: But it'll be fun.
JESS: We can have our own fun.
RORY: I can't miss the winter carnival.
JESS: Rory, come on.
RORY: Well, I never have. I can't. Just go with me, please.
JESS: Look, how bout you go to the festival, meet Lane, and then I'll hook up with you afterwards.
RORY: Jess.
JESS: That's my final offer, man.
RORY: Fine.
JESS: Fine.
RORY: We're gonna walk right in front of a car one of these days.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Rory and Jess walk in]
JESS: So, you want some help with your homework?
RORY: You're going to help me?
JESS: Yup.
RORY: Don't take this the wrong way, but how?
JESS: Come upstairs and I'll show you.
RORY: Upstairs?
JESS: Yeah.
RORY: Well, you know how important my education is to me.
JESS: Yes, I do.
[Lorelai walks in with some shopping bags]
LORELAI: Rory, hey. Thank God, I need help. Where you going?
RORY: Nowhere.
JESS: See ya. [goes upstairs]
LORELAI: Were you guys gonna go upstairs and kiss?
RORY: Wow, look at all the bags.
LORELAI: Yes, I went shopping for my father's birthday present today, which was great for about fifteen minutes, until it all came back to me.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: The fact that I totally suck at buying my father presents.
RORY: He'll like whatever you get him.
LORELAI: If I slip him a quaalude, he'll like whatever I get him.
RORY: They are not that bad.
LORELAI: My intentions are always good, and I never put a price limit on it. I even went so far as to follow older men around the store who kind of looked like my dad to see what they were buying, which didn't help me with ideas, but I did get asked to the antique car show.
RORY: Just show me what you got.
LORELAI: Fine. Option number one a state of the art, high tech, titanium bathroom scale.
RORY: Huh.
LORELAI: What? He has weight.
RORY: Yes, but I'm not sure that his birthday is the time to remind him of it.
LORELAI: Okay, option number two a fabulous mechanical coin sorter. You put the coins in, it sorts them. What?
RORY: Well, it's a little generic.
LORELAI: Generic in a good way, or. . .
RORY: What's the third option?
LORELAI: See, I should have pulled the coin sorter out last, cause. . .
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: A tie.
LORELAI: Yes, it's silk.
RORY: It's nice.
LORELAI: It is?
LUKE: What's that?
LORELAI: It's a tie for my father's birthday.
LUKE: What, no Aramis this year?
LORELAI: No, he likes ties.
LUKE: You know, if you get the big bottle, it usually comes with a tote bag and a soap on a rope.
LORELAI: Go away. My gifts suck.
RORY: It's the thought that counts.
LORELAI: What'd you get him?
RORY: Nothing big.
LORELAI: Well, what?
RORY: Just a thing.
LORELAI: What kind of thing?
RORY: Chuck Berry Live at the Fillmore on vinyl.
LORELAI: Oh my God, that's perfect. He loves Chuck Berry. How did you come up with that?
RORY: I called him and asked him what he wanted.
LORELAI: That's cheating.
RORY: Tough.
LORELAI: Well, now what am I gonna do? I can't give him a tie when you give him the world's most perfect present we already know he likes.
RORY: You want me to go find something for you?
LORELAI: You would do that?
RORY: He gave me a couple other suggestions. I can go see if I can find one of them.
LORELAI: Ugh, my God, I love you. You are my angel.
RORY: Hey, you had one more that you didn't show me.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah it lights up and sings.
RORY: Enough said.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Rory is walking down the sidewalk. She stops to look in a store window, then accidentally bumps into Dean.]
RORY: Oh!
DEAN: Oh, sorry.
RORY: I didn't see you.
DEAN: I wasn't paying attention.
RORY: I was just looking in the window and then. . .
DEAN: I was just noticing the new benches in the square.
RORY: Sorry.
DEAN: Yeah, uh, sorry.
RORY: It's weird.
DEAN: What's weird?
RORY: How we keep randomly bumping into each other like this.
DEAN: Well, it wasn't exactly random bumping into you at your house.
RORY: Right, I live there, not so random.
DEAN: Though, this, right now. .
RORY: Random.
DEAN: Very random.
RORY: That's probably the most the word random's been used in a two minutes period in a really long time.
DEAN: Hey, you wanna get a cup of coffee?
RORY: Coffee?
DEAN: Maybe talk a little? Of course, if you prefer, we can both just head over to Weston's and randomly bump into each other.
RORY: No, uh, that's okay. I can get coffee.
DEAN: Good.
CUT TO WESTON'S BAKERY
[Rory and Dean walk in]
DEAN: So, where do you wanna sit?
RORY: Um, there's good, if you like the window.
DEAN: Window is fine.
RORY: Of course, there's that one if you don't like the window.
DEAN: Window's fine.
RORY: The window can be colder because of the glass, but then that one is right by the bathroom, and being right by the bathroom always makes me kind of uncomfortable, which isn't really fair because something has to be right by the bathroom. Otherwise, you're cutting down on tables, which means you're cutting down on profits and. . .window's fine?
DEAN: Window's fine.
RORY: Let's sit down then. [they sit down] This is a very nice table. Good pick.
KIRK: Today we have an almond tort, an apple pandowdy, and various marzipan fruits made by a sect of cloistered nuns in Toledo.
DEAN: I'll have a piece of pie.
KIRK: Cherry, peach, chocolate, pumpkin, custard
DEAN: Custard's fine.
KIRK: There's more.
DEAN: I know, but custard's fine.
KIRK: You don't wanna hear the rest?
DEAN: I am really good with the custard.
KIRK: But they made memorize thirty different flavors.
DEAN: Kirk?
KIRK: Yes?
DEAN: Custard is fine.
KIRK: You want ice cream with that?
DEAN: Are there different flavors?
KIRK: Thirty-two.
DEAN: Just the pie.
KIRK: Okay. What about you?
RORY: Oh, nothing for me.
DEAN: Nothing?
RORY: I'm not hungry.
DEAN: You're not hungry?
RORY: Nope, I'm not.
DEAN: She's not hungry.
KIRK: I'll be right back.
DEAN: In all the time I've known you, I've never seen you not hungry.
RORY: Yeah, well. . .
DEAN: Thanks for doing this.
RORY: Of course. Why wouldn't I?
DEAN: Because you're incredibly uncomfortable.
RORY: Well, it's the situation, not you.
DEAN: Yeah, the situation.
RORY: You know, with you and me being. . .
DEAN: Yeah, yeah, I know the situation. So, um, how are ya?
RORY: I'm fine. You?
DEAN: I'm doing okay.
RORY: How's school?
DEAN: Not bad. I've got McKellan for History.
RORY: Oh, has he done his Napoleon having dinner with Charlemagne bit yet?
DEAN: Catherine the Great shows up for dessert.
RORY: Oh, wow, he's revised it. Good for him. He's a unique man, but a decent teacher.
DEAN: Yeah. You know, um, I wanted to tell you I applied to Southern Connecticut State.
RORY: What?
DEAN: McKellan actually wrote me a letter of recommendation.
RORY: Wait a minute you do know that Southern Connecticut State is a four-year college?
DEAN: Yeah, I read that in the brochure.
RORY: But what happened to I'm going to community college'?
DEAN: I changed my mind.
RORY: Why?
DEAN: You.
RORY: Me?
DEAN: All your Harvard talk, all those crazy books you pushed on me, all that talk about you can do more.'
RORY: You can do more.
DEAN: So I decided to do more.
RORY: Wow, I'm so glad.
DEAN: Thanks.
RORY: Well, if you need any help with anything, I've become the Rain Man of college application requirements.
DEAN: Thanks. I might take you up on that.
KIRK: Custard pie, no ice cream.
DEAN: Thanks, Kirk.
RORY: Wow. Southern Connecticut State, that's exciting. When did all this happen?
DEAN: The last few weeks. Uh, it's funny. I got the envelope, and I wanted to call you, and then I realized, uh, I can't do that.
RORY: You could've done that.
DEAN: I guess. I don't know, I can't get over how weird it is. I go from seeing you everyday to. . .
RORY: I know.
DEAN: I mean, I'm used to talking to you.
RORY: I know.
DEAN: That's a hard thing to just let go of.
RORY: For me, too.
DEAN: I don't know, Rory. Maybe. . .maybe, um. . .is there a way we could be friends?
RORY: Really?
DEAN: If you want to.
RORY: Oh, I want to. I really want to. But
DEAN: Don't ask me how I'm gonna deal with him. I have no idea.
RORY: Okay.
DEAN: Let's just take this one step at a time.
RORY: Absolutely. Slow and steady wins the race.
DEAN: This is really good. You sure you don't want a bite?
RORY: One bite. So how's Clara's horseback-riding lessons going?
DEAN: Not bad. I think she actually got within three feet of the thing last week.
RORY: Hm, very impressive.
DEAN: She thought so.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, Emily and Richard are sitting in the living room for Richard's birthday party]
RICHARD: This man is a genius. Listen to him play.
RORY: I'm glad you like it, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Oh, I must say, I am a very spoiled man. Chuck Berry, and the complete history of the Peloponnesian w*r.
LORELAI: Well, sure, cause a partial history would skip all the dirty stuff.
RICHARD: I especially like the way you wrapped the books in a bow tie. It's very, very clever.
LORELAI: I thought it would be appropriate.
EMILY: And, of course, you're not forgetting your favorite gift.
RICHARD: Oh, yes, my beautiful humidor from my beautiful wife.
EMILY: Thank you.
RICHARD: No, thank you. It's been a wonderful birthday.
[the doorbell rings]
EMILY: Would you like some more champagne?
RICHARD: Oh, why not?
TRIX: [from hallway] One of the porch lights is b*rned out. Perhaps the simple act of glancing outside a window once in awhile might have alerted someone to the situation.
LORELAI: Gran?
RICHARD: Trix, is that you? Well, I'll be. What a surprise. [leaves room]
LORELAI: Mom, did you know Grandma was coming?
EMILY: Oh my God.
LORELAI: Okay, no seems like a safe answer.
RICHARD: [from hallway] Emily, come here! Come say hello to this delightful creature that just walked in.
EMILY: Oh my God.
LORELAI: Come on, let's see if she tries to make a break for it.
[they all walk to the front hallway where Richard is standing with Trix]
RICHARD: Emily, did you know about this?
EMILY: Why, no, I didn't.
RICHARD: Well, I'm floored.
TRIX: Good. Hello Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hello Gran, good to see you.
TRIX: You're well?
LORELAI: I'm well.
TRIX: You're working?
LORELAI: I'm working.
TRIX: You're single?
LORELAI: I'm single.
TRIX: By choice, or do you scare the men with your independence?
LORELAI: Actually, I scare them with my Minnie Pearl impression.
TRIX: The lady with the hat. Rory, as soon as I get settled, I want to hear all about your schooling and your college plans.
RORY: Okay, Gran.
TRIX: Well, Emily, I don't know if you realize it or not, but it's not proper to receive guests in the foyer. It puts one in the awkward position of having to invite oneself in.
EMILY: Uh, yes, uh, please, I - I'm sorry. Please, come in.
RICHARD: This way. [Richard leads her to the living room]
EMILY: What is she doing here?
LORELAI: She's visiting.
EMILY: She didn't call, she always calls.
LORELAI: Oh, it's Dad's birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise.
EMILY: But I haven't prepared. I haven't shopped or set up the guest room and oh God, her horrible gifts are still in the basement. What do I do?
LORELAI: Leave them there.
EMILY: But
LORELAI: It's too late to do anything about that now. Come on.
[they walk to the living room]
TRIX: Oh, Emily, you're still here.
EMILY: Yes, of course I'm still here. Can I get you some champagne?
TRIX: Well, if you wish me to be violently ill tomorrow, absolutely.
LORELAI: Do not answer that.
RICHARD: I've got you covered Trix. Now, tell me what on earth you're doing here. You didn't travel all the way from England just for my birthday.
TRIX: Oh, I think your birthday is a good enough reason to travel all the way from England. However, it did also happen to coincide with some business I needed to attend to.
RORY: What kind of business?
TRIX: Well, for the past year, I've been renting my home in Hartford to a group of musicians. They've recently moved out, so I had to come check on the house and secure a new tenant.
LORELAI: What kind of musicians?
TRIX: A rock and roll group of some sort. I believe they call themselves Korn.
LORELAI: You rented your house to Korn?
RORY: That's so cool!
TRIX: They were fine tenants. Took wonderful care of the place. They planted some lovely tulips in the front yard.
EMILY: So, Mom, if you're going to be here for awhile, I can plan some things for you to do, some outings you might enjoy.
TRIX: Like what?
EMILY: Like the arboretum.
TRIX: I have no desire to spend the entire day with plants, Emily. I'm not a bee. Besides, I already know what I would like to do. I would like to see where Lorelai works.
LORELAI: The inn?
TRIX: I thought we could all have dinner there.
LORELAI: Oh, well, sure. That would be great.
TRIX: Wonderful. Tomorrow night, then.
RORY: Oh. . .
LORELAI: Well. . .
TRIX: What?
LORELAI: It's just that tomorrow night we were planning to go to this winter carnival at the high school. . .
RORY: But we can skip it.
TRIX: Absolutely not. Rory, you're a young person who works hard. It's equally important to have fun. You go to the carnival.
RORY: Thank you.
TRIX: Lorelai, you've had enough fun in your life.
LORELAI: And then some.
TRIX: Dinner will be for the grown-ups. Now, how is the birthday going?
RICHARD: Wonderfully. They're spoiling me rotten. Emily got me the most beautiful humidor. It's from 1917, and was owned by a lieutenant in World w*r I.
TRIX: You know, your father had a humidor that was owned by Victor Hugo.
RICHARD: Really?
TRIX: I still have it if you'd like it.
RICHARD: Well, I'd love it.
TRIX: Fine. I'll take care of it as soon as I get back to London. Now, if you will excuse me, I should like to freshen up.
EMILY: I'll make sure the guest room's ready.
RICHARD: Oh, I can do that, Emily.
TRIX: Thank you, Richard. Emily, I expect to return in twenty minutes. That should give you enough time to pull my gifts out of storage and place them around the room as if they actually stand there all year. [leaves room]
LORELAI: You want some help with those gifts?
EMILY: Yes, please.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
SOOKIE: Twelve courses, each paired with a specific wine, and for dessert, individual chocolate amaretto mousse cakes in the shape of a G.
LORELAI: Sookie, look what you've done.
SOOKIE: Over the top?
LORELAI: On a monumental scale.
SOOKIE: Exactly what I was going for. I'm also going to have individual little menus printed up and placed at each setting.
LORELAI: I love you for doing this.
[Michel walks up to Lorelai with the phone]
MICHEL: Your mother is on the phone.
LORELAI: Oh, can you take a message?
MICHEL: You mean, do I have the physical and mental capabilities to take a message? Why, yes, I do, however. . .
LORELAI: I got it. [takes the phone] Hey Mom.
EMILY: She wants to see your house.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Tonight, before the dinner.
LORELAI: Oh, okay.
EMILY: Okay? Did you hear what I said? That horrifying woman wants to see your house. Your house the one with the monkey lamp.
LORELAI: Mom, relax.
EMILY: Is it clean?
LORELAI: Yeah, it's clean.
EMILY: If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find?
LORELAI: That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat?
EMILY: I don't know what to do. Oh, nevermind, I'll just figure it out when I get there.
LORELAI: When you get where?
EMILY: I'll call you later, Lorelai.
LORELAI: When you get where, Mom?
EMILY: I'm turning onto your street now.
LORELAI: Mom, no!
EMILY: I'll just let myself in. I know you keep a key in the turtle or some ridiculous thing like that.
LORELAI: Mom, I beg of you, make a very dangerous u-turn right now and go back where you came from.
EMILY: I'm here. I'll talk to you later, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Mom. . .mom!
CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY
[Rory walks past a classroom as Francie opens the door]
FRANCIE: Oh, Rory, super. Could you step in here for a sec?
RORY: Oh, okay.
FRANCIE: Thanks. I'm just so lucky I caught you.
RORY: What is this?
FRANCIE: The supplementary student council meeting, silly.
RORY: But Paris canceled that.
FRANCIE: She did, didn't she? Hm.
RORY: What's going on?
LOUISE: You tell us.
RORY: I don't know.
MADELINE: Francie said there was an issue that has to be discussed.
LOUISE: We figured you ok'ed it.
RORY: I did not okay it. Mr. Hunter, there's been a mistake. Paris canceled this meeting and
MR. HUNTER: I know, Rory, but Francie approached me and said there was an issue that she had planned to discuss at the meeting today, and it has a bit of a ticking clock on it.
RORY: You did not mention that you had anything.
FRANCIE: I was just so surprised that Paris was canceling the meeting that it flew right out of my head. It was New York to London in three hours or less.
RORY: I'll bet.
MR. HUNTER: Rory, if you take a seat, we can get started.
RORY: I move that we postpone this meeting until Paris can be reached.
MR. HUNTER: We're all here now, let's just hear what Francie has to say. You can fill Paris in later. By the way, did anyone try to find her?
FRANCIE: I saw her walking off with. . .who was that, her brother?
LOUISE: Paris doesn't have a brother.
FRANCIE: Really? Well, she certainly seemed to know him.
RORY: Francie, why don't you just tell us all why we're here?
LOUISE: And how long we're staying.
FRANCIE: The Wadsworth Mansion has just had a cancellation, which means that we can get it for prom, if we move quickly. Shall we vote?
RORY: Hold on the Wadsworth Mansion is too expensive. We've already discussed this.
FRANCIE: There are plenty of funds there to cover it.
RORY: Not if we want a telescope to be the senior gift.
FRANCIE: You mean, not if Paris wants a telescope to be the senior gift.
RORY: We all thought it was a good idea.
FRANCIE: Reach for the stars? Nice theme, original. Was Be all that you can be' taken?
RORY: It's a good gift.
FRANCIE: It's a fine gift. However, so is planting a nice tree in the quad.
RORY: Every class plants a tree.
FRANCIE: Well, then, who are we to judge those who came before? I say, let's put it to a vote.
RORY: This isn't right. Paris should be here.
FRANCIE: I agree, Paris should be here. However, she's not, so once again, shall we vote?
MR. HUNTER: Rory, as student body vice president, I need you to call for a vote.
RORY: All those in favor of using the funds for the Wadsworth Mansion, even though we will be cheating the next generation of Chilton students who would love a nice telescope, say aye.
ALL: Aye.
RORY: Wadsworth Mansion it is.
FRANCIE: Meeting dismissed. Chin up, we'll make it a really big tree.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai pulls up to the house and goes inside. Emily is trying to move Lorelai's couch]
LORELAI: Hold it right there! Step back and move away from the couch.
EMILY: This couch cannot stay.
LORELAI: Yes, it can.
EMILY: It's awful.
LORELAI: It can hear you.
EMILY: Please.
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Well, what about the chair? Let me move the chair.
LORELAI: No, the chair stays also.
EMILY: Well, we have to do something. I brought flowers over and can't find a decent vase. All I could find was a ceramic Betty Boop head.
LORELAI: Mom, you're making yourself crazy.
EMILY: I know. We'll get some tarps and throw them over everything and tell her that you're painting.
LORELAI: Mom, stop it. What is so horrible about this room?
EMILY: Well, look at it.
LORELAI: I am. I like it.
EMILY: Well, you may like it, but your grandmother will not. She's going to take one look around here at the junk store collection of hobo furniture and she's going to blame me.
LORELAI: For what?
EMILY: For letting you live like this. For not teaching you better. For not redecorating while you're out of town.
LORELAI: Well, we're never out of town.
EMILY: For not sending you out of town so I could redecorate!
LORELAI: Mom, you don't believe that.
EMILY: Everything that's wrong in your life is my fault. Everything that's wrong in your father's life is my fault. Basically, everything's that wrong is my fault.
LORELAI: Mom, would you sit down for a minute.
[They both sit on the couch]
EMILY: And it's lumpy, perfect.
LORELAI: Mom, if I may, I'd like to give you some advice.
EMILY: You would?
LORELAI: You need to develop a defense mechanism for dealing with Grandma.
EMILY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: You just need a system, a new mindset. Take me, for example.
EMILY: What about you?
LORELAI: Well, I know there are many things in my life you don't approve of.
EMILY: Like what?
LORELAI: Like this couch.
EMILY: Well, this couch is terrible.
LORELAI: Okay, good you think the couch is terrible. Now, at one point in my life, you saying a couch that I carefully picked out and had to pay off over eight months is terrible might've hurt my feelings, but not anymore.
EMILY: No?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Why not?
LORELAI: Because one day, I decided that instead of being hurt and upset by your disapproval, I'm gonna be amused. I'm gonna find it funny. I'm even going to take a little bit of pleasure in it.
EMILY: You take pleasure in my disapproval?
LORELAI: I encourage it sometimes just for a laugh.
EMILY: I don't know what to think of that.
LORELAI: Think, hey, that's brilliant', because this idea could set you free.
[Emily sighs]
LORELAI: Mom, what are you thinking about?
EMILY: That ridiculous Betty Boop head.
LORELAI: [smiles] Mmhmm. So am I.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Francie is walking down the hall when Rory pulls her into the bathroom]
RORY: Francie, so good of you to stop by. I know how busy you are. Gum?
FRANCIE: What's your damage, Gilmore?
RORY: Damage? No damage. I just thought we should chat.
FRANCIE: Yeah? Well, I don't have any
RORY: Oh, you know what, I changed my mind. I don't think we should chat, I think I should chat. Ready? Okay. That little stunt you pulled not good.
FRANCIE: Stunt?
RORY: Paris canceled that meeting.
FRANCIE: Something came up.
RORY: Then you should have brought it to Paris.
FRANCIE: Paris wasn't around. She was off yet again with the mystery man.
RORY: Jealous?
FRANCIE: Of Paris' lobotomy victim? I think not.
RORY: What is wrong with you? So what if Paris has a boyfriend? You don't think that as hard as Paris works in school or on the Franklin or on student council - you don't think that she deserves to have a boyfriend and to enjoy it?
FRANCIE: Hey, no one is denying Gidget a chance to snag Moondoggie for the clambake, but the rest of us have things to accomplish.
RORY: You've had one goal since the beginning of the year.
FRANCIE: To achieve the perfect liquid line.
RORY: To take Paris down.
FRANCIE: And to achieve the perfect liquid line.
RORY: I tried to intervene, I tried to smooth the path between both sides, but you know what? That's over.
FRANCIE: Oh, it is?
RORY: Yes, it is. I'm finished being your go-between. You're a jerk, and if you wanna play it this way, then fine. All bets are off. I'm no longer your ally. You wanna play rough fine. I've read The Art of w*r. I can be just as big a pain in your butt as you are in Paris', capiche?
FRANCIE: You do not wanna be my enemy, Marlo Thomas.
RORY: I think I do, Tina Louise.
FRANCIE: Fine.
RORY: It is fine.
FRANCIE: Can I go now?
RORY: The door's right there.
FRANCIE: You're gonna be very sorry.
RORY: Am I?
FRANCIE: Oh yes. . .you are.
RORY: I'm good with that.
CUT TO LORELAI'S LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai is upstairs, Rory's in her bedroom. They holler back and forth to each other off-screen]
RORY: I'm running out of space.
LORELAI: How many bouquets you got left?
RORY: Three.
LORELAI: Can you put them on your dresser?
RORY: Dresser's full.
LORELAI: Can you squish them in with another bunch?
RORY: Already squished.
LORELAI: Can you toss them out the window like I did my last five bouquets?
RORY: Done.
LORELAI: Great.
[Lorelai walks down the stairs as Rory walks to the living room]
LORELAI: Okay, so monkey lamp's in the closet, singing rabbi's in a drawer, and all Spice Girl memorabilia's under your bed. How do I look?
RORY: Like a woman who does not own any Spice Girl memorabilia.
LORELAI: You look pretty, too.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: And I want a play-by-play of the carnival tonight.
RORY: I promise.
LORELAI: And you can leave out all the
RORY: Hand kissing sounds, gladly.
[there's a knock at the front door]
LORELAI: Oop, they're here.
RORY: Hey, if she doesn't like the house what happens then?
LORELAI: I think we have to move. Smile pretty.
[they open the door]
LORELAI: Hi Mom, hi Dad, hi Gran. Was your trip good?
TRIX: The trip was fine. Hello Rory.
RORY: Hi Gran. Hi Grandma, hi Grandpa.
TRIX: Now that we've exhausted the greetings, kindly move aside. I'd like to see your house.
LORELAI: Oh, come on in.
EMILY: If I pass out. . .
LORELAI: I'll yell timber. So, Gran, what do you think? I mean, it's not much. Probably too modest for Korn, but Weezer'd be pretty comfortable.
[Gran walks around silently exploring the main floor of the house as the others follow behind her. They follow her back to the living room.]
TRIX: Let's go.
RORY: Are we moving?
LORELAI: I don't know.
EMILY: Lorelai, I swear to God, if you prolong this evening. . .
LORELAI: Coming.
RORY: Have fun.
EMILY: No one appreciates your sarcasm, young lady.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory and Jess walk down the sidewalk]
RORY: Boy, it's pretty out tonight, isn't it?
JESS: Sure is.
RORY: Like a snow globe.
JESS: Mmhmm.
RORY: Sparkly. I mean, I don't think a night comes any prettier than this one. And if you take a really pretty night and add a corndog. . .
JESS: I'm not going to that carnival with you.
RORY: Why not?
JESS: I will be in front of Miss Patty's at nine as promised.
RORY: You are stubborn and impossible.
JESS: See you at nine.
[Dean and his sister walk toward them]
CLARA: Rory!
RORY: Clara, hi!
CLARA: I haven't seen you in forever.
RORY: Longer than forever.
DEAN: She got away from me.
JESS: Buy a stronger leash.
DEAN: Hey, uh, did you see they got the crazy psychic from Woodbury again?
RORY: You're kidding. I thought she got arrested.
DEAN: She's out now and sitting right over there.
RORY: I love her. She always tells me I'm gonna be rich and famous.
DEAN: She tells everybody that they're gonna be rich and famous.
CLARA: Who are you?
JESS: No one.
CLARA: Yes, you are.
JESS: No, I'm not.
RORY: That's Jess. Jess, this is Clara.
CLARA: Are you guys going to the carnival?
RORY: I'm going, Jess isn't.
CLARA: Why not?
RORY: He has things to do.
CLARA: Then you can go with me and Dean, right?
RORY: Oh, well. . .
JESS: I'm going.
RORY: What?
JESS: To the carnival. I'm going to the carnival.
CLARA: I thought you had things to do.
JESS: Well, I don't.
CLARA: Rory just said you had things to do.
JESS: Hey Tatu, just look at the plane, will ya?
CLARA: What?
RORY: Jess, you don't have to go. We can meet later like you said.
JESS: What? No. Come on, how many chances does a guy have to go to a Stars Hollow High winter carnival, right?
CLARA: Right.
JESS: Okay, then. Let's go.
CLARA: To the carnival!
JESS: To the carnival.
CLARA: I want a pretzel and a snowcone and a cheese stick. . .
DEAN: Pace yourself.
CLARA: Rory never tells me to pace myself.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai, Emily, Richard, and Trix walk into the dining room]
LORELAI: And this is our dining room.
TRIX: Small.
LORELAI: Or quaint.
TRIX: Touche.
RICHARD: Oh, you're in for a real treat, Trix. This Sookie is one of the best chefs around.
LORELAI: Here's our table, Gran. Why don't you sit here?
TRIX: All right. Well, Lorelai, I must say, on first viewing, this little inn of yours looks quite impressive.
LORELAI: Thank you.
TRIX: I mean, it's certainly no arboretum, but it's nice just the same.
EMILY: It was just a suggestion, Mom.
TRIX: Yes, it was. Oh, look, a menu.
RICHARD: Well, that's a nice little touch.
LORELAI: Well, Sookie wanted everything perfect for tonight.
MICHEL: Hey, there you are.
LORELAI: Oh, Michel, great. Gran, I'd like you to meet Michel Gerard, our concierge. Michel, this is my grandmother, Lorelai.
MICHEL: Very pleased to meet you.
TRIX: Do you have a pen?
MICHEL: Uh, why, of course.
TRIX: Now, please take this to your chef. These are the times I would like each course to appear at this table. I like a brisk pace, twelve minutes per course is best for my digestion. However, please tell your servers that they are not to clear until everyone has finished. Thank you.
MICHEL: Oh, no, thank you. It is so rare that I get to carry a note anymore.
CUT TO CARNIVAL
CLARA: Is Jess your real name?
JESS: Yes.
CLARA: Do you like it?
JESS: It's fine.
CLARA: Would you rather be named Bill?
JESS: No.
CLARA: Frank?
JESS: No.
CLARA: Mike?
JESS: No.
CLARA: Bob?
JESS: No.
CLARA: Ed?
JESS: Does this belong to you?
DEAN: Clara, you want a snowcone?
CLARA: Yes. Will you go get me a snowcone?
JESS: Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I'll be right back.
DEAN: I'll get your snowcone.
CLARA: And one for Rory, too.
DEAN: And one for Rory, too.
RORY: Thanks.
[Dean walks away]
CLARA: Do you wash your hair?
JESS: Yes, I wash my hair.
CLARA: Then why does it stick up like that?
JESS: Because.
CLARA: It looks crazy.
LANE: Rory!
[Rory walks over to Lane's booth]
RORY: Hey, how's the fundraiser going? The turnout looks good.
LANE: The turnout's great. Apparently, people are starved for entertainment around here.
RORY: Well, hurrah for bad cable reception.
LANE: So, I'm sorry, but did I just see you with Jess and Dean, or do I need a new prescription?
RORY: Your prescription's fine.
LANE: So explain.
RORY: Tomorrow at Luke's. I need to get back before there's a more exciting ending to the evening.
LANE: Forget nothing.
RORY: I promise.
[Rory walks back to Jess and Clara. Jess is playing the Bottle Toss game]
CLARA: You missed. You missed. You missed.
JESS: Hey, you wanna learn how to fly?
RORY: How's everybody doing?
CLARA: Jess can't throw.
JESS: I can, too.
CLARA: You missed every time.
JESS: I can't concentrate with your annoying midget voice yammering on and on. It's like having Stuart Little shoved in my ear.
[Dean walks over and hands Rory and Clara each a snowcone]
DEAN: Here. They only had cherry.
RORY: Oh, that's all we need.
DEAN: So, you play any of the games yet?
CLARA: Nope, I've been watching him lose. You don't get a bear, but it's still pretty fun.
DEAN: Well, how about I go b*at you at ice bowling?
CLARA: You can't b*at me.
DEAN: Oh, I think I can.
CLARA: Let's go!
DEAN: We'll be back.
RORY: Okay. So, how much to play?
JESS: A dollar.
RORY: Okay.
JESS: I got it.
RORY: Just for the record, I'm a girl and we are supposed to throw like this.
JESS: So you got anything you wanna tell me?
RORY: I like your crazy hair.
JESS: You weren't just gonna go to the carnival with Dean?
RORY: No. Running into them was a total coincidence. I swear.
JESS: Okay.
RORY: Not even close.
JESS: So when did you and Dean get so buddy-buddy again?
RORY: We're not so buddy-buddy.
JESS: Last time I checked, you weren't even speaking. Now he's fetching you snowcones?
RORY: He was getting one for Clara.
JESS: You guys talking?
RORY: No, we're not talking. We talked, once.
JESS: You got my interest.
RORY: We ran into each other and he wanted to get coffee, so I did, and we talked.
JESS: About?
RORY: Just boring things. Clara's horseback riding, his college application, nothing earth shattering.
JESS: Uh huh.
RORY: And he asked if we could be friends, and I said sure.
JESS: Friends?
RORY: Jess, he knows we're together, okay? And it's a small town. Dean and I will see it each other, and I just thought it wouldn't hurt to be polite.
JESS: So you're just being polite?
RORY: Yes. Dean has never done anything bad to me, and I just, I want to
JESS: I got it.
RORY: You're mad.
JESS: Nope, just figured you could've told me.
RORY: I'm sorry.
JESS: No biggie. You gonna throw that?
RORY: You're really not mad?
JESS: Nope, not mad at all.
RORY: And you understand?
JESS: I understand.
RORY: And you believe me?
JESS: Like you're standing with an ax next to a cherry tree.
RORY: And you're okay with it?
JESS: Will you just throw the ball?
RORY: Oh my God, I did it!
JESS: Very impressive.
BOY: Here you go, congratulations. [hands her a stuffed bear]
RORY: Thanks. Hello sad, pathetic bear.
JESS: You know, I could've bought you that thing for a quarter.
RORY: No, it's better that I won it. Maybe Clara would like it.
JESS: Yes, shoved in her mouth.
RORY: She's cute.
JESS: Oh, just darling.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
RICHARD: And so far, knock wood, things seem to be picking up.
TRIX: Well, it's about time you went into business. Oh, Emily, you should've encouraged him to do this years ago.
EMILY: Yes, I should've.
TRIX: He's a go-getter, your father. Not completely dissimilar to yourself.
LORELAI: Thank you, Gran.
[Sookie walks over to them]
SOOKIE: Hello. Just wanted to check and see how your dinner was coming along.
LORELAI: Sookie, it's amazing. Gran, this is our chef, Sookie.
TRIX: The food is excellent.
SOOKIE: Thank you very much.
TRIX: Young lady, your uniform has a large cut down the middle of your back.
SOOKIE: It does? Oh yeah, I did get myself, huh.
EMILY: Sookie, how on earth did you do that?
SOOKIE: Oh, well, I. . . and the the chop flew, so I lunged. . .and then the floor slipped. . . and then. . .ooh! You know, and I just. . .did a flip, ya know. I guess you just kind of had to be there.
TRIX: Yes, apparently so.
SOOKIE: Okay, well, nice to meet you. I have to get back. We have quite a tight schedule to follow.
TRIX: Yes, we do.
[Sookie walks away]
RICHARD: So, Trix, let's talk about the Hartford house. Do you have a new tenant lined up yet?
TRIX: Yes, I do.
RICHARD: Hmm. Who?
TRIX: Me.
EMILY: What?
TRIX: I wasn't going to bring this up tonight, but since you asked, my health hasn't been too good lately.
RICHARD: What, what's the matter?
TRIX: What the matter is, I'm not twenty. Anyhow, the weather in London is quite damp, and I have a yearning to be a little closer to my immediate family, so now that Korn has moved out of my house, I thought perhaps I would move back in.
LORELAI: Um, when, Gran?
TRIX: As soon as I can close up the London house and get my affairs in order.
RICHARD: Well, I think that's a wonderful idea. I'm thrilled. In fact, I'm so thrilled, I'm not going to be angry with you for not telling me you were in ill health.
TRIX: I will be fine, Richard.
RICHARD: You will be fine, because as soon as you're back here, I'm going to send you to the finest doctors.
TRIX: Whatever you say.
RICHARD: And Emily and I are going to look after you completely, day and night. You can count on us.
TRIX: I knew I could. Oh, it's time for the next course. Waiter, our next course please.
EMILY: I'm not done.
TRIX: What do you mean, you're not done? You had twelve minutes.
EMILY: I'm not done.
TRIX: Fine, we will wait.
[Emily begins to slowly eat the rest of her meal]
LORELAI: That'll do, pig. That'll do.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH
[Dean is reading a bulletin board in the hallway]
JESS: Need some help with the big words?
DEAN: Sure. Why don't you come over here and I'll show you which one's giving me a hard time.
JESS: You're getting a little pathetic man.
DEAN: Thanks for the heads up.
JESS: Let's be friends?
DEAN: No thanks.
JESS: You don't think I know what you're doing? You don't think it's so pathetically transparent?
DEAN: Get out of here, Jess.
JESS: Rory's taking pity on you. That's why the sudden interest in being your friend. You know that?
DEAN: Whatever you say.
JESS: The saddest part of this whole thing is. . .
DEAN: Man, you like hearing yourself talk.
JESS: You really think that by being her friend, you're gonna get her back.
DEAN: I don't know what you're talking about.
JESS: No, huh?
DEAN: Rory and I are just friends, just like you and Rory were just friends. And hey, look how it turned out for you.
[Clara walks out of the bathroom]
CLARA: Okay, I'm ready for popcorn.
DEAN: You got it.
CLARA: Bye Jess. You think Rory wants some popcorn?
DEAN: I don't know. Let's go ask her.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the front porch]
RORY: This is very impressive.
LORELAI: Not as impressive as my mother making four green beans last an hour and a half.
RORY: I wish I'd seen that.
LORELAI: When she finally got to the last bean, she cut it in six pieces. I swear, I thought Gran was gonna lunge across the table at her.
RORY: The student surpasses the master.
LORELAI: I was a little proud. Although I'm bummed I missed the carnival.
RORY: There's a snowcone in the freezer for you.
LORELAI: How'd it finally end with Cheech and Chong?
RORY: Jess knows I'm friends with Dean, Dean knows I'm dating Jess, and they both seem fine with it. What?
LORELAI: I just like that once in awhile, you still seem like a little kid.
RORY: They do, I swear.
LORELAI: Let's just watch the snow.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x10 - That'll Do, Pig"} | foreverdreaming |
3.11 - I Solemnly Swear
written by John Stephens
directed by Carla McCloskey
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The maid opens the door for Lorelai and Rory]
LORELAI: Hi.
MAID: Good evening. May I take your coats?
LORELAI: Oh, sure, thanks.
EMILY: [from living room] That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard.
MAID: Your mother's in the living room.
LORELAI: So last chance to run, huh?
MAID: Excuse me?
RORY: Just ignore her.
[They walk to the living room. Emily is talking on the phone and doesn't see them come in]
EMILY: Of course I said it. Well, I can't imagine who would take jackbooted as a compliment. I will not apologize. Every time she went to the pantry, I thought she was marching on Poland. Oh, I see, because I want things a certain way, I'm unreasonable?
[Lorelai pours herself a glass of wine]
RORY: Shh!
EMILY: Why, that is the most absurd. . .I want to see this document. Fax it to me immediately.
LORELAI: Fax it to me immediately?
RORY: She's part of the electronic age.
EMILY: Tomorrow morning is completely unacceptable. It's unacceptable because I'm paying you three hundred dollars an hour. So turn that little near-luxury car around, go back to your office, and fax me that libelous scrap of paper.
LORELAI: Ask him if he can pick up some ice cream, too.
EMILY: Well, tell your wife to tape your daughter's recital. [hangs up] Unbelievable.
[Emily turns around and sees Lorelai and Rory on the couch]
LORELAI: Hi Mom.
RORY: Hi Grandma.
EMILY: When did you two get here?
LORELAI: Sometime between the second absurd and the third unbelievable.
EMILY: I apologize. That call caught me off guard.
RORY: Is everything all right, Grandma?
EMILY: Everything's fine.
LORELAI: Are you sure?
EMILY: I'm sure.
LORELAI: You look peeved.
EMILY: I'm not peeved.
LORELAI: Well, you look peeved.
EMILY: Kindly stop making me say the word peeved.
LORELAI: Mom, spill it. What's wrong?
EMILY: That was our lawyer calling to inform me that one of our former maids is suing for wrongful termination.
LORELAI: Hm.
EMILY: You might at least act surprised.
LORELAI: It's not the first time, is it?
EMILY: It most certainly is.
LORELAI: Really?
EMILY: Yes, Lorelai, really.
LORELAI: Well, then, I'm surprised.
EMILY: It's beyond surprising, it's outrageous.
RORY: What did Grandpa say?
EMILY: Your Grandfather's still in London helping his mother close down her house. Of course he'd be gone when this happens.
LORELAI: I think he planned it that way.
RORY: Which maid was it?
EMILY: Gerta, the one from Hamburg, Germany.
LORELAI: Which one was she?
RORY: You remember she was the one you made all those Hamburg/hamburger jokes to.
LORELAI: God, I b*at that d*ad horse.
RORY: With glee.
EMILY: She was the clomper.
LORELAI: The clomper?
EMILY: She'd be upstairs making the beds and it'd sound like a Munich beer hall rally.
LORELAI: That's why you fired her?
EMILY: Yes.
LORELAI: Because she made noise when she walked?
EMILY: Yes.
LORELAI: Was she a good maid otherwise?
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Besides the clomping, was she polite, on time, made sure the little fork went on the outside?
EMILY: Have you been listening to me? She was not performing her duties as I wished them to be performed. Everything else is beside the point.
LORELAI: Well, I guess it's always something, isn't it?
EMILY: What's that supposed to mean?
LORELAI: It means you always seem to find the one thing about a maid that negates all of her good qualities. I mean, at a certain point, isn't it just easier to let a couple things slide?
EMILY: I see. So it's my fault?
LORELAI: I didn't say that.
EMILY: No, Lorelai, you did. For years, I've been listening to you and your father and everyone else go on and on about how demanding I am, how I have to have things a certain way. Well, guess what? I pay to have them that way. I pay more than anyone else pays their maids, and when things are not the way I want, that means I'm not getting what I paid for. Why is that so hard to understand?
LORELAI: It isn't hard to understand, it's just
EMILY: If you pay for first class and the airline sticks you in coach, people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable. And yet here is this woman whom I pay more than she can get anywhere else in Hartford, whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the Rhine, dragging me into court saying that I was unfair. Why? Because having paid for one thing, I'm not content with something else? That makes me unfair? Well, then, so be it. Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me.
MAID: Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore, dinner's ready
EMILY: Thank you, Brooke, we'll be right there.
[Brooke walks away; Lorelai and Rory start to get up]
EMILY: Wait, wait, wait. Do you hear that?
LORELAI: Hear what?
EMILY: Exactly.
[opening credits]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Lorelai is watching Sookie and Jackson argue]
SOOKIE: You know, next time I want some grapefruit, I'm just gonna ask for a kazoo because you can only seem to get me the most bizarre opposite.
JACKSON: What is your problem?
[Michel walks in]
MICHEL: I need you to
LORELAI: Shh!
MICHEL: What? Oh, it started. You were supposed to call me.
LORELAI: Stop talking.
JACKSON: I understand perfectly. You wanna be a dictator.
SOOKIE: Oh, come off it.
JACKSON: Commandant St. James says, "Brussels sprouts! You will bring me the Brussels sprouts."
SOOKIE: I'm trying to plan a menu here, Jackson!
MICHEL: Fill me in, please.
LORELAI: Jackson brought pea tendrils instead of Brussels sprouts.
MICHEL: Well, aren't we Evil Knievel?
LORELAI: Coffee?
MICHEL: Oh, please.
SOOKIE: Pea tendrils are too delicate to serve with the lamb shank!
JACKSON: I don't think that they are.
SOOKIE: Where are the Brussels sprouts?
JACKSON: I looked at the stalks, they weren't good enough.
SOOKIE: You always do this to me.
JACKSON: Doesn't it matter that I care so much about the quality of the produce that I sell you that I'd be willing to risk an enormous argument just to save your dinner.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Oops, that was dumb.
SOOKIE: Save my dinner?
JACKSON: You know what I meant.
SOOKIE: Yes, my dinner is out standing on a ledge. Oh no! What's gonna happen?
JACKSON: Sookie.
SOOKIE: Oh wait! What's that? It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Super Jackson and his atomic pea tendrils!
JACKSON: You wanna get another produce guy?
SOOKIE: Maybe I should!
JACKSON: Well, go ahead!
SOOKIE: Don't tempt me!
JACKSON: That's it, I am leaving.
SOOKIE: Go! And take the tendrils with you!
JACKSON: Fine! See you tonight?
SOOKIE: I love you.
LORELAI: And it always ends with a hug.
MICHEL: Hm.
LORELAI: Okay, what do you need?
MICHEL: The new insurance policies you ordered.
LORELAI: Good. Now the inspector's supposed to be coming by to check the place out tomorrow, so you're gonna have to show him around.
MICHEL: What?
LORELAI: You're covering for me, remember?
MICHEL: Oh, yes, that's right. Tomorrow the two of you go back to school.
LORELAI: It's not school, it's a one-day course at the learning center.
SOOKIE: How to run an inn.
MICHEL: Yes, amazing you've been able to fake it so long.
LORELAI: This is specific to opening small inns, bed and breakfasts.
MICHEL: I see. Order half of everything. There you owe me seventy-five dollars.
LORELAI: Why are you being such a snob about this? You went to hotel school.
MICHEL: I attended the Ecole Hôtelière de Genève.
LORELAI: Wow, that's gotta make one hell of a sweatshirt.
MICHEL: It was one of the premiere hotel schools in the world. You two, on the other hand, are going to take a two-hour course at the Radisson.
SOOKIE: Jackson's taken a lot of courses through The Learning Center and he loves it. He took beekeeping
LORELAI: Jackson keeps bees?
SOOKIE: No, it turned out he was allergic. One stung his lip and his whole head blew up to three times his normal size.
MICHEL: Please tell me you have pictures.
SOOKIE: He also took a course in how to buy foreclosed real estate, and how to write a diary.
LORELAI: How do you not know how to write a diary?
SOOKIE: He's a searcher.
LORELAI: Yes, he is.
SOOKIE: Plus, I think he was really lonely before we got together and he didn't live near a good bar.
MICHEL: Yes, well, I predict that tomorrow will be a complete waste of time and money, and I will be here to laugh at you when you return.
LORELAI: Thanks for your support. Forget him. Opening our own is a huge step, and anything that might help is worth trying.
SOOKIE: Exactly partner.
LORELAI: Now tell me you got pictures of Jackson and his giant head.
SOOKIE: I'll bring them in tomorrow.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory walks into the meeting room; Paris is going through some papers]
RORY: Hey Paris.
PARIS: Have you looked over the votes for commencement speaker?
RORY: Yeah.
PARIS: Are the ones for Princess Diana's butler jokes or real?
RORY: I'd say jokes.
PARIS: What about the ones for Dr. Phil?
RORY: I think real.
PARIS: I knew that suggestion box was a bad idea. Watch Choate get Joan Didion while we're being read "Eloise at the Plaza."
RORY: Listen, before the others get here, we should probably decide what we're going to do.
PARIS: About what?
RORY: About the prom coup Francie staged last week.
PARIS: You mean booking Wadsworth Mansion?
RORY: Using all of the money reserved for the telescope that we wanted to buy for the senior gift.
PARIS: Why does one pinhead always have to vote for Jerry Garcia?
RORY: I'm not sure if the deposit check has been sent yet, but -
PARIS: I already took care of that.
RORY: What?
PARIS: Wadsworth Mansion is owned by the Connecticut Daughters of the Mayflower. Most of those biddies couldn't negotiate an icy sidewalk much less a contract. Took me about five minutes on the phone to get them down to half their asking price.
RORY: You're kidding.
PARIS: Well, there was no way I was letting the class gift be a stupid tree just so Ginger Spice can have her Barbie dream prom.
RORY: She's a sneak.
PARIS: She's not smart enough to be a sneak. Anyone can call a meeting. It's that loser Mr. Hunter that let her get away with it.
RORY: Well, she kind of forced him into it.
PARIS: You can't force a teacher into something, Rory. No, it was Hunter. He's been jealous of me since I got into office. Whenever I announce I have a new motion to introduce, he flinches. Actually, physically tightens up for a moment. It's creepy.
RORY: Yeah, but
FRANCIE: Well, out fearless leaders at work already. I feel so safe.
RORY: That girl bugs me.
PARIS: Relax, she's harmless.
MR. HUNTER: Paris, Rory.
PARIS: Paris, Rory. Bed wetter. Shall we sit?
RORY: Fine, let's sit.
PARIS: I call this meeting of the student council to order. Is the secretary ready?
MADELINE: I am.
PARIS: Then let's proceed. First of all, I'd like to apologize for missing last week's somewhat impromptu meeting. As most of you know, its scheduling was somewhat unorthodox since the meeting was a supplementary meeting, which was a concept invented by me. So the fact that anyone would hold a meeting invented by a certain person without that certain person seems, well. . .let's see, what's the word? Mutinous, insulting, underhanded, and in the end, fruitless, since I managed to re-negotiate the rental fee for the Wadsworth Mansion so that we'll be able to have the prom and give the school a respectable senior gift in the form of a telescope. Any questions, Mr. Christian? I mean, Mr. Hunter.
MR. HUNTER: Uh, no.
PARIS: Good. So, now that that's out of the way, let's move onto other business. Francie?
FRANCIE: As you know, Health Week is coming up. We have speakers lined up to discuss everything from heart disease and exercise to the dangers of sun damage and fried food. Everyone's booked and ready to go. The only thing left to figure out is where to set up the sign-up table for the annual blood drive.
[Madeline screams]
FRANCIE: Geez!
RORY: What's the matter?
LOUISE: She hates the word blood.
FRANCIE: Give me a heart att*ck.
LOUISE: Just keep your hands on your ears.
MADELINE: Tell me when it's over.
FRANCIE: As I was saying before the freak-out, we need to figure out where to place the sign up table for the blood drive.
MADELINE: I can still here her.
LOUISE: Hum to yourself.
PARIS: Continue, please.
FRANCIE: I am proposing putting it in the cafeteria. It's got easy access, maximum exposure, and almost ninety percent of the student body visits the cafeteria every day. It's the perfect location.
PARIS: Well?
RORY: No.
FRANCIE: Excuse me?
RORY: You can't set up in the cafeteria. It's a f*re hazard.
PARIS: It is?
RORY: Yes, it's a f*re hazard. You'll have to find another place.
FRANCIE: You're kidding.
RORY: I never kid about f*re safety.
FRANCIE: Well, Rory, I actually know the f*re codes for the cafeteria, and as long as we don't cram more than three hundred people in there, we can start an opium den and the f*re department wouldn't care.
RORY: A, Francie, I think they would care, and B, I'm not talking about numbers. You set up that table, get people thinking about blood, someone smells smoke, and the next thing you know, fifty stampeding teenagers are using your body to lever open a door. I won't allow that.
FRANCIE: This is Xanadu-level of insane.
PARIS: You do realize you're opposing the blood drive?
RORY: No, I'm opposing the blood drive in the cafeteria.
PARIS: Is it really that big a deal?
RORY: It's the rules, Paris, the rules of common decency, and I'll be damned if I let Francie ignore those rules.
PARIS: Well, okay, motion denied. The senior class president will come up with an alternate plan for the location of the sign-up table for the blood drive. Now Louise, poke John Williams over there and tell her she can cut the score, we're moving on. Advertising space in the yearbook is only fifty percent sold as of right now. What are we doing to do about this? Roger, yes?
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is in the living room when Lorelai walks through the front door with two takeout bags]
LORELAI: Dinner!
RORY: Over here.
LORELAI: We are so in luck. It was international grab bag night at Al's.
RORY: Cool. Did you peek?
LORELAI: And ruin the whole point of the mystery dinner? I think not. Pick.
RORY: That one.
LORELAI: Okay. I love this. It's food and a game all in one. Now we open them at the same time.
RORY: I know the rules.
LORELAI: And do not jump the g*n.
RORY: There's a lot of pressure associated with international grab bag night.
LORELAI: Well, I am your mother, it is my responsibility to give you structure. Now, on three one, two, three.
[they both open their bags and smell the food]
RORY: Hm, Moroccan.
LORELAI: You always say Moroccan.
RORY: And sooner or later, I will be right. What's yours?
LORELAI: Pan-Asian, with a hint of English Colonial, and a few South African influences.
RORY: Way to hedge your bet. Kitchen?
LORELAI: Just let me check the machine.
RORY: Okay.
[Rory walks to the kitchen. Lorelai checks the answering machine]
ANSWERING MACHINE: Ms. Gilmore, it's Bob Merrimam, your mother's lawyer. I'm calling about the little matter of this lawsuit she's involved in. We'd like it if you could give a deposition. . .
LORELAI: Uh. [picks up the phone and dials a number]
ANSWERING MACHINE: . . on her behalf. It shouldn't be a big deal. If you could just call me tomorrow with some times that would be convenient for you, I can set something up. . .
LORELAI: Oh, no!
ANSWERING MACHINE: . . .Thanks, bye.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: No, no, no, no, no.
EMILY: Hello?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Who is this?
LORELAI: I am not giving a deposition.
EMILY: Of course you are, don't be ridiculous.
LORELAI: Please leave me out of this.
EMILY: I see. So you're just going to let this lead-footed teutonic chambermaid drag your mother into a public forum and humiliate her, is that it? Is that what I'm hearing?
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Her lawyer knows we asked for this deposition. How do you think it's going to look when you refuse to testify for your own mother?
LORELAI: Like it's none of my business.
EMILY: Oh, and I'm sure the twelve rocket scientists they assemble as a jury of my peers will see it that way.
LORELAI: Honestly, Mom, I doubt they'll be able to find twelve people in the state of Connecticut who haven't been fired by you.
EMILY: I can't believe my own daughter won't come to my defense.
LORELAI: I'm not gonna lie for you.
EMILY: I just want you to tell them how I treat my maids.
LORELAI: I'm not gonna lie for you.
EMILY: All you have to do is tell them I treat the help fairly.
LORELAI: I'm not gonna lie for you.
EMILY: Lorelai, there is something called family loyalty. It means when someone is in trouble, you help them, as I have helped you several times over the years. The very least you could do in return is spend half an hour saying something kind about your mother.
LORELAI: Fine.
EMILY: Thank you. Your devotion is touching. [hangs up]
LORELAI: I have to give a deposition.
RORY: I don't think this is Moroccan or at least not recently.
LORELAI: Want some of mine?
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: Yikes. Luke's?
RORY: Let's go.
CUT TO THE LEARNING CENTER
[Lorelai and Sookie are in their class about opening an inn]
LECTURER: I can't stress enough the value of a good paint job. One of the first decisions you'll have to make when you open your inn is whether to employ your housekeepers individually or contract out to a housekeeping service. If you use a service, you will be assured of having a replacement housekeeper if one should call in sick or quit suddenly.
SOOKIE: But you'll pay two dollars more an hour and they'll be loyal to the service, not to you.
LECTURER: However, you'll probably end up paying a bit more than if you hired them individually.
SOOKIE: I can't believe you're taking notes. He has said nothing in the last two hours that we didn't already know, and he's saying it really condescendingly. So in addition to being bored, I'm getting hostile, and a little insecure cause you're studying and I'm not.
[Lorelai displays the cootie catcher she's just made]
LORELAI: Pick a color.
SOOKIE: Pink!
LORELAI: Cause you're a girl.
SOOKIE: Exactly.
LORELAI: Pink. Pick a number.
SOOKIE: Five.
LORELAI: [opens the flap] You will marry Shaun Cassidy and cheat with David.
SOOKIE: Well, good for me.
LORELAI: My turn.
LECTURER: [clears throat] Some of us are here to learn.
LORELAI: Sorry.
SOOKIE: Yeah, sorry.
LORELAI: We had a cootie catcher. . .
SOOKIE: We're sorry.
LORELAI: Sorry.
LECTURER: As I was saying, the points we've covered should get you started, but remember, it's a long process, so don't get discouraged. I'm sure one day I'll be staying in each and every one of you inns.
LORELAI: He's not staying in our inn.
LECTURER: Now don't run off just yet. We've got one final treat. I'd like to introduce you all to John Mattern.
JOHN: Hello everyone. I'm very pleased to be here addressing you today. I asked Brian if I could just have a few minutes at the end of today to show you all some opportunities that I think you're going to find really exciting. I know that I do. If we could. [turns on the slide projector] Now this is a lovely property that has just become available right outside of Litchfield.
SOOKIE: It's a sales pitch?
LORELAI: They spend two hours telling us nothing, then try to sell us lame property?
SOOKIE: We already know the place we're buying.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: So what do we do?
LORELAI: I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head. Let's go.
[Lorelai and Sookie get up and leave]
JOHN: A perfectly restorable sun porch wraps around the entire main structure. Let's step inside this diamond in the rough.
CUT TO HALLWAY
[Lorelai and Sookie walk out of the room]
SOOKIE: Unbelievably shocking.
LORELAI: That we could work at an inn for so long and learn so little.
SOOKIE: We must be some kind of dumb.
LORELAI: Who would ever have thought that all inns need doors?
SOOKIE: Not me.
LORELAI: And floors.
SOOKIE: Doors and floors, we can't afford that.
LORELAI: Well, we better, otherwise our guests will fall right through to China.
SOOKIE: I can just imagine the phone calls.
LORELAI: What was Jackson thinking saying these courses were good?
SOOKIE: Please, you're asking me? The man took a course in diary writing.
[they reach the refreshment table]
LORELAI: Thank God food.
SOOKIE: So, is it worth it if we can make up our seventy-five dollar admission fee in cookies?
LORELAI: Well, considering that in the past hour, I uttered the phrase, "My God, I should've listened to Michel," these better be the best damn cookies in the world.
SOOKIE: [tries one] And they taste like feet.
LORELAI: Oh, well, even their cookies suck. Stand by, I'm going in for coffee.
[two men walk up to them]
JOE: Sookie? Sookie St. James?
SOOKIE: Uh huh.
JOE: It's Joe. . . Joe Mastoni from the Deerhill Lodge.
SOOKIE: Oh my God, Joe! Joe! Joe from the Deerhill Lodge! It's Joe from the Deerhill Lodge! How are you? Sorry. Well, come here. [hugs him] Oh! Lorelai, this is Joe. Joe, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hi.
JOE: Nice to meet you. This is Alex, my partner.
ALEX: Business partner.
LORELAI: Oh, clarification duly noted. Nice to meet you.
SOOKIE: Joe and I worked together one summer up in the Berkshires.
JOE: Oh, God, we had a wild time that summer, didn't we?
LORELAI: You had a wild time, huh? Do tell.
SOOKIE: We'd all work fourteen hours straight, party til dawn, then pile in Joe's van and wake up in New Hampshire or Maine with just enough time to get back for the next shift.
JOE: We had a real interesting crew. Sookie, me, Feldman, Mellon, Bung
LORELAI: Bung?
SOOKIE: He was the grill man. He had been up there for a couple years already, but Joe and I were both in prep.
LORELAI: And I repeat - Bung?
ALEX: Don't look at me. I'm still wondering if Mellon's a man or a woman.
JOE: You know, I promised myself after that summer, I would never chop small green things en masse ever again.
SOOKIE: Or drink all the leftover wine on an empty stomach.
JOE: Let me see your hands. Hey, nice blisters.
SOOKIE: Let me see yours. Ooh, not bad, not bad.
JOE: I'm more careful about using the towels with the hot stuff these days.
SOOKIE: Sissy.
JOE: Yeah, yeah. So what are you doing here?
SOOKIE: Lorelai and I are opening an inn together, so we came for a class.
JOE: Really? Alex and I are here for a class about opening your own coffee place.
ALEX: Chain of coffee places, actually.
SOOKIE: That's great.
JOE: We'll see. It's pretty new territory for us.
ALEX: Joe at least knows the food industry. I'm coming from ironworks, so I basically know what the security gate you pull down at the end of the night should be made of.
JOE: Don't listen to him. Alex is an incredible businessman.
LORELAI: Ah.
ALEX: That's true.
JOE: So far, we've got the business model planned out, there's a couple of prime locations we're interested in. The only thing left to do besides build the place is pick a name.
LORELAI: Oh, little tip, don't choose anything cute.
SOOKIE: Like Jitters.
LORELAI: Or Spill the Beans.
SOOKIE: Or Higher Ground.
LORELAI: Or The Mudhouse.
ALEX: Actually, I kinda like that.
LORELAI: Oh, me too. We call dibs.
ALEX: I thought you were opening an inn.
LORELAI: Well, we wanna keep our options open.
JOE: Hey, did you hear about Feldman's restaurant?
SOOKIE: The Feldster opened a restaurant?
LORELAI: Okay, I know I'm repeating myself, but the Feldster?
SOOKIE: I can't believe he opened his own place. He spent the whole summer getting stoned in the walk-in.
JOE: He was our baker.
LORELAI: Right, that figures.
SOOKIE: Huh?
ALEX: Baker, getting baked, I'm there.
LORELAI: Oh, congratulations. You still can't have The Mudhouse.
JOE: Hey, you remember the last reception we catered? The parakeets, everyone dressed as knights and ladies.
SOOKIE: Oh God!
ALEX: Old friends, huh?
LORELAI: Yeah, there's nothing like them.
SOOKIE: I never did figure out how Bung got into a fight with the bride.
JOE: One minute everything was fine, the next he's beaning her with the ice sculpture.
LORELAI: Hey, remember the time you and Fat Sal got locked in the freezer overnight?
ALEX: Fat Sal?
LORELAI: Work with me here.
ALEX: Oh, Fat Sal, yes, right.
SOOKIE: Then Feldman got into a fight with the bride's mother.
JOE: That's right! He went after the whole bridal party.
LORELAI: And you remember how me and the Bruiser
ALEX: Never liked that guy.
LORELAI: We found you and Fat Sal in the morning and you were frozen together like bacon.
ALEX: Yeah. You know, I still can't eat bacon.
LORELAI: Well. . .
JOE: And you remember what Feldman told the cops?
SOOKIE: Oh, yeah!
LORELAI: And then before Bruiser and I would let you out, we made you and Fat Sal kiss.
ALEX: I'm not sure I remember that.
SOOKIE: You know, I actually don't remember what Feldman told the cops.
JOE: He tried to pretend he didn't speak English, remember?
SOOKIE: That's right, oh my God! The flooginshorts!
JOE: Yes, the flooginshorts!
LORELAI: Oh, great. Now we have to make up our own language?
ALEX: This is getting exhausting.
JOE: You know, Feldman's restaurant's right here in Hartford.
SOOKIE: No, really?
JOE: Yeah. We should swing by one night and bust his chops.
SOOKIE: Hey, yeah, we could keep sending back plate after plate until he gets so angry he comes out.
JOE: Let's make a plan.
SOOKIE: Sure. Call me at the Independence Inn, that's where we work.
LORELAI: For now.
JOE: Sounds great. I'm so glad we ran into each other.
SOOKIE: Me too.
JOE: And it was nice meeting you, Lorelai. Good luck with everything.
LORELAI: Thanks, you too.
ALEX: I'm really glad we got a chance to catch up.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. Hey, if you see Fat Sal, give him a kiss for me.
ALEX: I'll do that.
LORELAI: Okay.
SOOKIE: Bye.
[Alex and Joe walk away]
SOOKIE: Wait, so you and that guy knew each other, too? What a coincidence!
LORELAI: Come on, honey.
CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA
[Rory and Paris sit down at a table with their lunch trays]
PARIS: How many times do I have to tell them? You can't put a two-inch ladle of gravy into a one-inch potato crater. You either need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater otherwise, you get this.
RORY: Gravy on your asparagus.
PARIS: Yes.
RORY: Paris, the cafeteria workers serve hundreds of students a day. A little gravy spillage is natural.
PARIS: I see. So I should just sit quietly and shovel in whatever slop they throw my way like some inmate in the chow line at Leavenworth doing twenty to life? I don't think so.
RORY: I'll save your seat.
[Paris walks away. A paper airplane lands on Rory's tray, it says "We need to meet. Write down a time and place." Rory writes on it, then hears a noise and turns around. Someone takes the airplane when her back is turned. Paris walks back to the table.]
PARIS: They took my tray. I can't believe they took my tray. All I did was go up there and tell them I wanted some new asparagus, and they took my tray. Well, I also told them to buy a slightly looser hair net, one that wouldn't squish the part of the brain that can judge depth and measurements, and then they took my tray, but still. . .now what? You gonna eat that?
[Rory gives Paris her lunch tray]
CUT TO PARKING GARAGE
[Rory walks through an empty parking garage. She hears a noise, and turns to find Francie]
FRANCIE: Good, you're here. We need to talk.
RORY: We have three classes together, we couldn't talk then?
FRANCIE: I thought alone would be better. Besides, you picked the place.
RORY: What do you want?
FRANCIE: I want a truce.
RORY: Excuse me?
FRANCIE: A truce, you know, no more fighty fighty.
RORY: I don't believe you.
FRANCIE: Look, this is not the way I wanted things to work out, honestly. Yes, the hemline thing bugged me, and yes, Paris is not my idea of a secret sister, but I never intended for things to go so far.
RORY: No?
FRANCIE: No. I mean, it's my senior year, too. Why would I want to spend the whole time scheming and fighting? It's too exhausting. I wanna stop this w*r, this vendetta, this Sicilian thing. It must end.
RORY: This seems awful sudden.
FRANCIE: Yes, well, my time is precious, so if I'm not gonna truly commit to a grudge, I'd like to move on and put that energy somewhere else. Come on, what do you say? Friends, sort of?
RORY: Friends. . .sort of.
FRANCIE: Shake.
[They shake hands. A car alarm goes off, startling Rory. When she turns back around, Francie is gone]
RORY: Stop doing that.
CUT TO THE INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai walks up to Michel at the front desk]
LORELAI: Okay, so you'll come in early and set up the conference room for the group from Michigan.
MICHEL: Yes, I will.
LORELAI: Okay. Now, Sookie's on top of the menu. Let's make sure the, uh, dining room's open for a late lunch, and we need to confirm the number of rooms they'll need.
MICHEL: Yes, I have all of this written down on a notepad right next to my self-help book, "Why Don't People Think You Know What The Hell You're Doing?"
LORELAI: Sorry. I'm just a little stressed at this whole stupid deposition thing.
MICHEL: Relax, it's very easy.
LORELAI: It is? You've done it?
MICHEL: Once, it was nothing.
LORELAI: Why were you deposed?
MICHEL: My neighbor had this dog, a frisky little scamp that used to love to yap to his friends all night long. It was so cute. Then one day he disappeared. I told the police what I knew, but sadly the adorable little chatterbox was never found. It was tragic.
LORELAI: You got rid of a dog?
MICHEL: No.
LORELAI: How could you get rid of a dog?
MICHEL: I will gladly show you the transcript from the lawyer and the results of the lie detector test.
LORELAI: You're heinous.
MICHEL: And very well rested.
[Michel walks away as Joe enters the inn]
JOE: Lorelai, hi. Remember me?
LORELAI: Of course I do. Nice to see you again, Joe.
JOE: This is a beautiful place you have here.
LORELAI: Ah, well, you know. . . keeps the rain off.
JOE: Right. So, is Sookie around?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, uh, she is. Uh, right through there in the kitchen.
JOE: Thank you.
[Joe walks away as Michel walks back over]
MICHEL: Here, give me those. I'll file them with the rest.
[Lorelai barks at him]
MICHEL: Ah, stop that!
CUT TO THE KITCHEN
[Joe walks in to find Sookie]
SOOKIE: Hey, I'll just be a minute.
JOE: Oh no, don't rush.
SOOKIE: I was almost finished with the dinner prep, and then I changed my mind about two of the appetizers.
JOE: Sounds like old times. Though, I gotta say, this place is a long way from the sweatbox at the Deerhill.
SOOKIE: Yeah, we've upgraded a lot in the past few years. We just got a refrigerated prep table and we replaced the two vertical mixers.
JOE: But you still got the old fifty-two inch Viking.
SOOKIE: I know. I just like how big it is. I blew it up once.
JOE: Wow.
SOOKIE: But I had them rebuild it. I refuse to cook on anything else.
JOE: Stick with what you know.
SOOKIE: Exactly. Taste this.
JOE: Maybe a bit more brandy.
SOOKIE: I knew you'd say that.
JOE: Well, people like brandy.
SOOKIE: You mean you like brandy.
JOE: And I'm people. We always had a good time together, didn't we?
SOOKIE: Yeah, it was a good group.
JOE: You always made it better.
SOOKIE: Cause I kept you fools from driving off the side of a mountain.
JOE: Very true. You know, I'm really glad we ran into each other. It's not often you get a second chance.
SOOKIE: What do you mean?
JOE: I can't tell you how many times I kicked myself for not asking you out that summer. It just seemed like every time I got close, we'd end up talking about the best way to make calves liver or something.
SOOKIE: Sautéed with caramelized onions.
JOE: Exactly. Then when I saw you at the Learning Center, it was like fate was saying, "Here you go, man. Try not to screw it up again." I guess things just had to happen in their own time.
SOOKIE: Uh huh, in their own time. Um, could you just. . .uh, stir. . . yeah, I'll be back.
CUT TO LOBBY
[Sookie walks up to Lorelai at the front desk.]
LORELAI: [on phone] Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid we don't offer a complimentary breakfast.
SOOKIE: [whispers] He thinks it's a date.
LORELAI: Uh, yes, sir, I realize the Ramada does.
SOOKIE: [whispers] Lorelai!
LORELAI: Uh, well, if you like, I could recommend a few places in town. Uh, okay, uh huh, sure. Why don't you talk to your wife and call me back. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Hey, Shields and Yarnell, what's going on?
SOOKIE: He thinks it's a date.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: Joe, he thinks this is a date.
LORELAI: Is he crazy?
SOOKIE: Exactly. You were there it's not a date, is it?
LORELAI: No. The two of you were gonna go bust Feldster's chops. Busting chops is not a date.
SOOKIE: That's what I thought, but he keeps saying how he liked me back then and how this is his second chance.
LORELAI: He's liked you for ten years?
SOOKIE: Yes.
LORELAI: Wow. That is some serious Great Gatsby pining.
SOOKIE: I know.
LORELAI: You're his Daisy.
SOOKIE: I am? I'm his Daisy. I'm someone's Daisy.
LORELAI: It's very flattering.
SOOKIE: It is very flattering. But I didn't bring it on, did I? I mean, did I flirt?
LORELAI: No, you did not flirt. You were talking about Bung.
SOOKIE: Right. And you can't flirt when talking about Bung, it's impossible.
LORELAI: He read something into it because he wanted to.
SOOKIE: Oh my God, what's Jackson's gonna say?
LORELAI: Sookie, it's a misunderstanding. Jackson will be fine. Just go in there and explain it to Joe.
SOOKIE: But what do I tell him? He's waited ten years for this. How do you hand out that kind of rejection? I could tell him I've become a lesbian!
LORELAI: Yeah, or "I'm married" might work.
SOOKIE: Right, I'm married, good, that's very good.
LORELAI: It's gonna be fine. Joe's a nice guy with good taste.
SOOKIE: I'm his Daisy.
LORELAI: Be happy later.
SOOKIE: Right. I'm going in. [walks away]
LORELAI: [answers phone] Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.
[Sookie walks back into the kitchen]
JOE: So, at the risk of seeming like Joe the drunken chef, I added some more Port to the Cumberland sauce. Now, just promise to try it.
SOOKIE: Joe, we need to talk.
JOE: Wow, you've mellowed. In the old days, you would've just called me an idiot and just dumped it in the trash.
SOOKIE: It's not that, it's. . .you put in more Port? This is a pheasant sauce, not the punch bowl at a frat party.
JOE: Just try it.
SOOKIE: No, no, no, no, no, that's not what I meant to say. It's just. . .there's been a misunderstanding. I thought this thing tonight was just a friends thing, you know, not like a date thing.
JOE: Oh.
SOOKIE: Not that going out with you would be bad. Except it would be. . . very, very bad.
JOE: Wow.
SOOKIE: But only because I'm married! I meant to say that first. [holds up her hand] See? Last May, I just. . .[realizes she's not wearing her wedding ring] Where's my. . .oh, hang on. [walks over to get her ring] See, this was supposed to be. . .when I hold my hand up, cause otherwise, "Whatcha doin'?", right? Okay, here. I take it off when I'm cooking, but, look, there it is, right where it should be, on my finger.
JOE: You're married.
SOOKIE: Yes, I am. I hope that's okay.
JOE: Hey, if your husband's good with it, who am I to complain?
SOOKIE: You're not mad?
JOE: Why would I be mad?
SOOKIE: Because you thought this was a date.
JOE: I'm not mad. Feeling a little stupid, but not mad.
SOOKIE: Here, let me give you some money.
JOE: I didn't spend any money.
SOOKIE: Well, let me give you some money anyway.
JOE: Look, the only way I'll be mad is if you throw that sauce out before you try it, okay?
SOOKIE: Okay.
JOE: Tell you what, why don't we make a plan to harass Feldman some other time? You can bring your husband and I'll see if I can get a real date.
SOOKIE: That'd be fun. Come on, I'll walk you out.
[they walk to the lobby]
JOE: You know, we could even get some of the old g*ng together.
SOOKIE: I'll drive.
JOE: I guess this'll teach me not to wait ten years next time. Anyway, I'll give you a call.
SOOKIE: Bye Joe.
[Joe leaves. Lorelai walks up to Sookie]
LORELAI: See, he's smiling. I knew it was nothing to get worked up over. You obviously let him down very well, and now maybe you guys can be friends.
SOOKIE: I'm a whore!
CUT TO OUTSIDE STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking through the town square]
LORELAI: This is silly. I know how to answer a question.
RORY: This is your first deposition. Grandma's lawyers just want you to be prepared.
LORELAI: Sample questions, great. It's bad enough I have to give a deposition, now I have to study for it?
RORY: Shall we begin?
LORELAI: Go ahead.
RORY: Please describe how your mother runs her household.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, do you remember the rowing scene in Ben Hur?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, did that reference date me? Should I have gone with the "Express Yourself" video?
RORY: Shall we stop?
LORELAI: Sorry, ask me another.
RORY: Would you say your mother is an easy woman to get along with?
LORELAI: No. Next.
RORY: You're not taking this seriously.
LORELAI: I am taking this seriously.
RORY: Well, you can't say that.
LORELAI: Oh, wow, so you want me to lie.
RORY: No, you don't have to lie. It's all about how you present the truth. For example, you could have said, "My mother is a perfectionist."
LORELAI: Uh huh. And do you promise to visit Mommy in jail?
RORY: Yes, I do.
LORELAI: Okay, then. My mother is a perfectionist.
RORY: Very good.
[they reach the diner as Luke walks out]
LORELAI: Oh, hey. Where you going?
LUKE: Oh, well, I'm going to Doose's because we are out of food.
LORELAI: How can you be out of food?
LUKE: Well, it starts with the words, "Hey Jess, you do the ordering this week, okay?" and it ends with me selling Kirk a lettuce sandwich.
RORY: We've eaten those.
LUKE: I'm gonna go pick up some stuff to hold us over til tomorrow.
LORELAI: Well, get some burgers.
RORY: And tater tots.
LORELAI: And pickles.
LUKE: Okay, hold on a sec. Burgers, tater tots, pickles. You want cheese on the burger?
LORELAI: Cheddar.
RORY: And swiss.
LUKE: Dessert?
LORELAI: Do we have to decide right now?
LUKE: I would seriously advise it.
LORELAI: Pie.
RORY: Cherry.
LORELAI: And whipped cream. And dental floss. And paper towels. And People magazine. We're really hungry.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Paris walks into the bathroom. Francie follows her]
FRANCIE: Paris, good, I so need to talk to you. [to another girl in bathroom] Are you lost? [the girl leaves] Listen, first of all, I really wanna commend you on your job as president so far.
PARIS: Thank you.
FRANCIE: The way you've negotiated on some of those convoluted school issues mind bl*wing. I watch in awe.
PARIS: Uh huh.
FRANCIE: And that's why this is so hard, because I have major respect for you, and the last thing I ever want is for you to get the wrong impression about my loyalties.
PARIS: What are you talking about?
FRANCIE: [pulls an envelope out of her backpack] These were shoved in my locker this morning, and I didn't know what to do, so I thought to myself, I'll just show them to Paris and I'll explain and she'll understand.'
PARIS: Explain what? What is this?
[Paris opens the envelope and pulls out some photos of Rory and Francie in the parking garage]
FRANCIE: Rory came to me and said she wanted to talk about some things. . .you know, policy, the prom, the senior gift, et cetera. So of course I said, "why don't we talk about them at the student council meeting with Paris?" And she said she wanted to do this without Paris. She said Paris is just too wrapped up in that boyfriend of hers to care about any of this. I didn't know what to do, so I went, and then I found these, and I'm just so upset. I mean, I would never intentionally do anything behind your back, Paris. And I promise, the next time Rory tries to get me to, I'm just gonna say, Talk to the hand', you know what I mean?
PARIS: Yes, I know what you mean.
FRANCIE: Are you mad? Say you're not mad. I just couldn't live if I thought you were mad.
PARIS: No, I'm not mad. [leaves]
FRANCIE: Well, thank God for that.
CUT TO CHILTON GYMNASIUM
[Students are standing around in fencing outfits]
TEACHER: Okay class, we will begin in five minutes.
MADELINE: Does your helmet smell? I always get one that smells.
LOUISE: You'd think the brain trust behind P.E. could come up with some sport that didn't give you helmet hair all afternoon.
MADELINE: Like badminton.
LOUISE: Or striptease aerobics.
RORY: What?
MADELINE: It's really big in L.A. You just go through the motions, you don't actually have to strip.
RORY: Do the other people in the gym throw money at you?
LOUISE: Fine, mock, but tell me this have you ever seen an overweight stripper?
RORY: The word no seems so wildly inadequate all of a sudden. Hey, where have you been?
PARIS: Washing my hands.
RORY: Okay.
TEACHER: All right everyone, take your places. We will warm up with your counter-sixte-riposte-quarte. Melanie, please lead the group.
MADELINE: Oh my God, there's a hair in mine.
LOUISE: Just close your eyes and think of England, honey.
RORY: Doesn't it seem strange to be practicing a sport whose original purpose was to k*ll people? It's like if high schools of the future had teams in a*tillery or high altitude b*mb or something.
TEACHER: Beginning salute. En garde. Right side advance.
RORY: You okay?
TEACHER: Right side retreat.
PARIS: Why do you ask?
TEACHER: And lunge.
RORY: You just seem weird.
TEACHER: Left side advance.
RORY: Easy there, Paris.
TEACHER: Left side retreat.
PARIS: We're fencing Rory, not playing patty cake.
TEACHER: And lunge.
PARIS: You know, it's interesting how you think you know someone.
TEACHER: Right side, quarte lunge.
PARIS: Trust a person, rely on a person, then turn around one day and realize you'd been had. Ever experience that?
TEACHER: Ripost.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: I hate being had.
RORY: Why are you telling me this? You're not supposed to be parrying that hard.
PARIS: Gee, I'm sorry. Maybe I should turn around so you can just stick it directly into my back.
RORY: What are you talking about?
PARIS: I saw the pictures.
RORY: What pictures?
PARIS: You know what pictures.
RORY: Obviously I don't know what pictures.
PARIS: The pictures of you and Francie.
RORY: Me and Francie?
PARIS: You and Francie in the parking garage talking about me.
RORY: Paris, I
PARIS: Don't make that face at me!
RORY: What face? I'm wearing a mask.
PARIS: The "I'm Rory, don't you want to pet me?" face. I know you two have been meeting behind my back.
RORY: We haven't. We met once.
PARIS: Aha, you admit it.
RORY: Yes, but it wasn't what you think.
PARIS: Brutus!
RORY: Paris, you have to listen to me. Francie wanted to meet, she said she wanted to call a truce. She took those pictures of us, she's setting me up, she's trying to manipulate you.
PARIS: Of course she is. You think I don't know when someone's trying to manipulate me? But that doesn't change the fact that you met with her behind my back.
RORY: I was trying to help you.
PARIS: You were? You mean, in between betraying me and selling me out, you were trying to help me? Gee, you are quite the Renaissance woman, aren't you?
RORY: Stop it!
PARIS: Make me! Come back here, Gilmore! Come back and fight like a man. [Paris chases Rory around the gym until Rory trips and falls] And the worst part is, you told her about Jamie. I can't believe I ever considered you my best friend.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory walk to the porch]
RORY: I still can't believe it. I can't believe I got sucked in like that.
LORELAI: Ugh, that Francie is pure evil, so she'll probably wind up president.
RORY: Paris is so upset. She totally thinks I betrayed her.
LORELAI: She'll calm down.
RORY: Paris has never calmed down.
LORELAI: She'll calm down.
RORY: I can't believe I was her best friend. I feel awful.
LORELAI: Look, I'll tell you what. If you wanna make things right, just go back to school tomorrow and let her s*ab you.
RORY: Great idea.
LORELAI: I'm nothing if not full of suggestions.
RORY: Or full of something.
[Emily opens the door]
RORY: Hey Grandma.
LORELAI: Hi Mom.
EMILY: Come in, it's cold.
[they walk inside]
LORELAI: Do you want me to talk to her? You know, arrange a sit-down?
RORY: No, thanks.
LORELAI: Come on. We'll have it in an Italian restaurant. You'll get up, go to the bathroom thanks and come out sh**ting, and then I'll send you to Italy.
RORY: Well, I do wanna go to Italy.
LORELAI: Two birds with one stone, my friend.
[they walk to the living room and sit down]
LORELAI: Is everything okay, Mom?
EMILY: Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be okay?
LORELAI: I don't know. You just seem a little quiet.
EMILY: Do I? I guess I do. I don't really have a lot to say, actually. I know, why don't I read to you instead. [picks up a booklet]
LORELAI: Huh, what's that?
EMILY: This? Nothing, just your deposition.
LORELAI: My. . .how did you get
EMILY: Shh. Listen, it's fun. Okay. [reads] "Question Would you say your mother is a tolerant woman?"
LORELAI: Oh boy.
EMILY: "Answer Um, well, sure."
LORELAI: What? I said you were.
EMILY: You said sure.
LORELAI: Which to most people means yes.
EMILY: Yes, to most people, it does, but I've heard you say sure, and your sure is always sarcastic.
LORELAI: I do not have a sarcastic sure. . .do I?
RORY: Pick spot on carpet and stare.
EMILY: "Question Why has your mother dismissed maids in the past?"
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: "Answer Different reasons."
LORELAI: Well, that's true, right?
EMILY: "Can you expand on that? Answer Gee, how much time do you have?"
LORELAI: Okay, see
EMILY: "I mean, if you guys have a lunch or an afternoon squash game or something. . .you look like the kind of guys who play squash. And hey, why's it called squash? Is it something to do with the fruit? Or vegetable, right? A squash is a vegetable, though if you ask me, it's gross no matter what you call it. Well, anyway, what I'm saying is you might want to clear your afternoon."
LORELAI: I was flustered. He was using lawyer tricks.
RORY: By asking you to expand?
LORELAI: Now you decide to pipe in?
EMILY: Didn't I tell you this was important, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Yes, you did.
EMILY: So, in spite of the fact that I told you it was important, you couldn't find it in your heart to put aside your personal antagonism toward me for one day and help me out.
LORELAI: Mom, this is not fair. I said a lot of nice things about you in there.
EMILY: Oh really? "Would you say your mother sets impossible goals which people cannot help but fail to reach, thereby reinforcing her already formed opinion of their deficiencies? Answer Only for her daughter."
LORELAI: Okay, not there, but keep flipping.
MAID: I'm sorry to interrupt, but dinner is ready Mrs. Gilmore.
LORELAI: Dinner, hey! Dinner's ready. Who's hungry besides me? I'd keep it warm. We're gonna be here awhile. Okay, go ahead.
EMILY: "Would you call your mother an extremely critical woman? Long pause." Why was there a long pause, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Because I was deliberately trying to hurt you, Mom.
EMILY: "On a scale from one to ten, what would you rate your mother in terms of compassion for others' feelings?" Wanna guess what she said?
RORY: No, thank you.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Hang on a second, Lorelai. I just want to skip to the Ben Hur reference.
LORELAI: Yeah, I did.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory sits alone in the cafeteria. A paper airplane that says "Leper" lands on her table. She tosses it aside and puts on her headphones.]
CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S HOUSE
[Jackson walks through the front door]
JACKSON: Sookie, I'm home. I got the -
SOOKIE: Surprise!
JACKSON: What is this?
SOOKIE: I made you dinner.
JACKSON: It smells terrific.
SOOKIE: Lamb chops with Sicilian olives, rosemary and garlic, and a warm potato and chorizo salad.
JACKSON: I love lamb chops with Sicilian olives, rosemary and garlic, and a warm potato and chorizo salad.
SOOKIE: I know.
JACKSON: What's that?
SOOKIE: Beef jerky.
JACKSON: You made beef jerky for me.
SOOKIE: And there's cornbread, and fried marshmallow pie for dessert.
JACKSON: And you have CCR on.
SOOKIE: Well, you like CCR.
JACKSON: I know I like CCR, you don't like CCR.
SOOKIE: Sometimes I like CCR, and tonight I like CCR.
JACKSON: You cheated on me!
SOOKIE: No.
JACKSON: Oh my God.
SOOKIE: I just flirted accidentally!
JACKSON: Turn it off.
SOOKIE: Let me explain.
JACKSON: Every time I hear it now, it'll remind me that my wife cheated on me.
SOOKIE: Flirted accidentally!
JACKSON: You ruined Creedence for me!
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sitting on the couch, Rory walks into the living room]
RORY: I'm going to bed.
LORELAI: At nine-thirty?
RORY: Yeah, well, going a whole day without talking to anyone is a lot more tiring than you think.
LORELAI: I hate those girls.
RORY: It's fine. It was the first lunch that didn't start with a recitation of the calorie content of everything on the table, so actually it was kind of a relief.
LORELAI: I hate them anyhow.
RORY: Night.
LORELAI: Night babe.
[Rory walks back to her room as the phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers] Hello?
ALEX: Lorelai, it's Alex Lesman. We met at The Learning Center the other day. My friend accidentally asked your friend out on a date.
LORELAI: Um, right, hi.
ALEX: How are ya?
LORELAI: I'm good.
ALEX: Fat Sal sends his love.
LORELAI: Right back at him.
ALEX: Look, I know this must seem kind of out of the blue. You're probably wondering how I got your number.
LORELAI: Information?
ALEX: No, that would've been far too logical. I actually called your inn. I was gonna leave a message, but this French guy just gave me your home number. Said I shouldn't worry about calling too late, that you usually stay up til three, four in the morning.
LORELAI: Yeah, don't worry about him, he's getting fired tomorrow. So, what's up?
ALEX: Well, I was wondering something.
LORELAI: Uh huh. . .
ALEX: On weekends, I like to go to different coffee shops, try their coffee, look at what they're doing.
LORELAI: See if there's anything you can steal and possibly disguise as your own?
ALEX: Exactly, kind of a low-rent corporate espionage. Anyway, sometimes I'll h*t two coffee shops that have surprisingly similar product, and I for the life of me cannot decide which one is better.
LORELAI: Bummer.
ALEX: Yes, bummer, so I thought it would really help to have another person there who could help me make these crucial evaluations.
LORELAI: Interesting solution to a fascinating problem.
ALEX: So I was wondering what you were doing this Saturday.
LORELAI: You know, it's funny you should ask me this, because I just happen to be one of the world's foremost coffee experts.
ALEX: Really?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, it's basically just me and this guy named Chuckles in Brazil.
ALEX: Sounds like fate. So, what do you say?
LORELAI: Sure.
ALEX: Great. Just to be on the safe side, you do know this is a date, right?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I got that.
ALEX: Good.
LORELAI: So, you guys come up with a name for your place yet?
ALEX: Right now, the top contender is Sludge.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
ALEX: Moving on, my partner likes Regular Joe.
LORELAI: Huh.
ALEX: Then again, his name is Joe.
LORELAI: Well, fancy that.
ALEX: So, still won't let go of The Mudhouse, huh?
LORELAI: Afraid not. What else you got?
ALEX: Well, okay, how about Black Liquid Hope Sold Here?
LORELAI: See, now you're making some progress.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x11 - I Solemnly Swear"} | foreverdreaming |
3.12 - Lorelai Out of Water
written by Janet Leahy
directed by Jamie Babbit
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN LORELAI'S FRONT YARD
[Lorelai and Rory are staring at their garage]
RORY: Well.
LORELAI: I'd say three years.
RORY: I'd say more like four.
LORELAI: What? It has not been four years since we've stepped foot inside our own garage.
RORY: It was when we got the Jeep.
LORELAI: That wasn't. . .yes, it was.
RORY: And even then, I think we only got as far as opening the door before something flew out and scared you.
LORELAI: Yes, it scared me while you stood by calmly like Dr. Dolittle chatting with the bat.
RORY: It was a bat, wasn't it?
LORELAI: Wearing an OzzFest T-shit, I believe.
RORY: Will the man never be able to live that down?
LORELAI: Well, Joe Namath will forever be wearing pantyhose.
RORY: True, very true.
LORELAI: So, uh, what do we do about the bat cave?
RORY: Well, we did promise Lane that her band could rehearse here.
LORELAI: Yes, we did.
RORY: And they'll probably need to actually get in there to do so.
LORELAI: So I guess we're going in.
RORY: I guess we are.
LORELAI: All right. On three one, two, three.
[They open the garage doors]
RORY: Ah!
LORELAI: What, what is it?
RORY: Those are the boxes from our attic that you were supposed to give away two years ago.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: I spent three days boxing all the stuff in the attic and you were going to call a charity and get someone to pick them up.
LORELAI: I made an appointment, the guy didn't show.
RORY: He didn't?
LORELAI: No, I don't think.
RORY: Unbelievable.
LORELAI: Look, I got bored after sitting there two hours, so I left a note saying the stuff was in the garage and he could leave a receipt, and I went to get some coffee.
RORY: These guys aren't just allowed to go into someone's garage.
LORELAI: Well, the note said it was okay.
RORY: Well, how did he know that the note was authentic?
LORELAI: I wrote it on Powerpuff Girls stationery. Who'd he think was setting him up, Hello Kitty?
RORY: I can't believe how much junk we have.
LORELAI: Hey, these are these are souvenirs from our life's journey, girly girl. This is not junk. Okay, this is junk, and that over there is junk. All right, basically everything I'm looking at is, yeah, junk.
RORY: We're pack rats.
LORELAI: We're Sanford and Son. Yuck, bye bye. [throws a stuffed ball out of the garage]
RORY: Wait! [catches the ball]
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Hug-a-World!
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Hug-a-World, it's my Hug-a-World.
LORELAI: Where's the world?
RORY: It's faded.
LORELAI: Oh, wait, I can see something.
RORY: Canada.
LORELAI: Canada, nice. Okay.
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm throwing it out.
RORY: You can't throw out Hug-a-World.
LORELAI: I'm not throwing out Hug-a-World, I'm throwing out Hug-a-Canada.
RORY: I learned my seven continents on Hug-a-World, don't you remember? We used to squeeze it as tight as we could and then wherever our pinkies would end up, that's where we were going to go together when I grew up.
LORELAI: Yes, many a trip to Uzbekistan was planned that way.
RORY: We can clean him up and keep him, can't we?
LORELAI: Throw him outside and I'll see what I can do.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: If I clean up Hug-a-World, does that cancel out me not getting rid of the boxers?
RORY: I'll consider it a wash.
LORELAI: How about if I chase it and bring it back?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Hug-a-World would like to see the world.
RORY: It's moving.
LORELAI: There's something living there besides Canadians.
RORY: I hugged it, I hugged it really tight.
LORELAI: Yes, you did.
RORY: I have to shower! [runs away]
LORELAI: Hey, hey, hey, what about the rest of the garage? Rory! Hey, how bout if Lane's band rehearses in the kitchen? We don't use that either.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[There is construction going on outside. Luke tries to take an order over the noise]
LUKE: Can I take. . .Can I take. . .What can I get. . . That's it. [goes outside]
TAYLOR: I specifically requested a carved arch above the door.
TOM: It's a blueprint, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Yes, Tom, I know it's a blueprint.
LUKE: Taylor!
TAYLOR: One second, Luke. I know it's a blueprint, Tom, but if I don't see a carved archway here, then I don't expect to see a carved archway there, and if I don't see an archway there, then you won't see a paycheck here. Are we clear?
TOM: Get away from my saw, Taylor.
LUKE: What the hell is going on?
TAYLOR: I'm renovating your building. You know that very well.
LUKE: I also know that the renovation is supposed to be going on over there inside the building.
TAYLOR: There is plenty of room to move around if you turn sideways.
LUKE: I'm gonna punch you in the nose.
TAYLOR: I have every right to make the necessary renovations to the building that I am paying good money to lease.
LUKE: Taylor, if any other person in this town pulled a stunt like this in front of your market, you'd have them arrested.
TAYLOR: I have acquired all the necessary permits to do exactly what I'm doing, and all of this has been looked over and approved by the town magistrate.
LUKE: You're the town magistrate!
TAYLOR: And as such, if you have any complaints about me, you may take them up with me.
TOM: Get him away from my saw.
LUKE: Get him away from my diner.
TAYLOR: By the way, Luke, I noticed you hadn't returned any of my lawyer's calls about the lease agreement. Now we have to set up an appointment to see that those papers get signed.
LUKE: Forget it. I'm not going through any lawyer. You want those papers signed, you pick them up and you walk them over to me. Then, I'll sign them.
TAYLOR: Luke, this is business. It needs to be done properly and legally.
LUKE: It's a standard lease form, Taylor. I bought it at Office Depot.
TAYLOR: All the more reason to have a professional take a little looksee, huh? I mean, there's a reason they say good lawyers make for good neighbors.
LUKE: Who the hell said that?
TAYLOR: Oh, everybody says that. Okay, now back to work. Tom, let's take another look at this archway, shall we?
TOM: Get away from my saw, Taylor.
CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD
[Lane and the band are setting up in the garage]
LORELAI: I already talked to the neighbors. Just make sure you keep the doors closed, and the music must stop by eight.
LANE: Don't worry, I have to be home by six.
ZACH: We'll be done by eight, don't you worry.
LORELAI: I won't.
ZACH: Okay, okay, okay, Lorelai, okay.
LORELAI: Uh, so, um, Rory showed you the key. Uh, you're welcome to anything in the kitchen, which is nothing, but, uh, the water's yours for the taking. Just replace the bottle if it's out.
ZACH: You ask, I will obey.
LORELAI: Super.
BRIAN: I'm out!
LORELAI: He's out! I'll get you some more!
LANE: Oh, no, no, don't worry about it. I'll get it.
LORELAI: Okay. Oh, excuse me. Do you need any help?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Do you need any help, please?
RORY: I'm good, Pamela Des Barres.
LORELAI: When did you turn on Mommy?
RORY: What? He's cute.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: And you know, if you latch on now, you're totally entitled to half of everything when he dumps you after he's famous.
LORELAI: Okay, um, since you don't need any help, simply a new place to live, I'm gonna just go.
ZACH: Listen. . .
LORELAI: You're back, okay, hi.
ZACH: We're gonna be playing a gig next month, and I think you'd really get into it.
LORELAI: Oh, well, I'd love to get into it, Zach, but see, I have this medical condition where I can't listen to music.
ZACH: You can't?
LORELAI: No. My ears, the hollow tubey thing inside is very tiny and it will literally explode if I listen to anything loud and musical.
ZACH: That sucks.
LORELAI: I know. Thanks for the invite, I'm sure it's gonna be great. Uh, so, uh, you guys have a good rehearsal. I'm gonna go on inside and write to Tipper. Great gal. See you guys later.
RORY: Bye Pam.
ZACH: She is some kind of fine.
BRIAN: Zach, some help would be great.
ZACH: Relax.
LANE: I still can't believe you guys are letting us rehearse here.
RORY: You can thank us in the liner notes.
LANE: Right under our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
RORY: That's some good billing. So, are you guys actually playing a gig next month?
LANE: Abby Berland's birthday party. Her parents are letting her have a band.
RORY: That'd be great.
LANE: Cross your fingers she doesn't wreck the car again and her mother doesn't cancel it before we get to play.
RORY: I'll hide the keys myself.
BRIAN: Okay, I'm done.
DAVE: Me too.
ZACH: Let's do this.
DAVE: Listen, Lane, we need to talk a sec.
LANE: Sure.
DAVE: Now that we finally have a real rehearsal space, we can get serious about the sound.
LANE: Absolutely.
DAVE: Which means that I'm gonna need you to really step it up a little.
LANE: Oh.
DAVE: I mean, you've got the potential, but you're sloppy. I need a clean roll on the toms but powerful, like Moon.
LANE: Okay.
DAVE: I know you're a girl, but I need you to play like a guy.
LANE: I understand.
DAVE: And if you can't, if that's too hard. . .
LANE: No, that's not too hard. I'll be better, I promise.
DAVE: Okay.
[Dave walks away. Rory walks up to Lane]
RORY: Okay, please take this the way it's intended, but I am going to kick Dave in the shins repeatedly for the next hour and a half.
LANE: Why?
RORY: Why? Did you hear the way he was talking to you? "Play like a guy, Lane." Well, cry like a girl, Dave! What? Why are you smiling like that?
LANE: He fooled you.
RORY: What?
LANE: We thought the other guys might be catching on about me and Dave so we came up with this plan.
RORY: That he become a jerk?
LANE: Yes. If the other guys see him talking down to me like that, they will totally be thrown off track.
RORY: Okay, but doesn't it bother you to hear him talk to you like that?
LANE: No way. Believe me, he knows I play better, harder, Moonier than any guy they could possibly find, plus I smell better.
RORY: Okay, as long as you're fine with it.
LANE: I am, I'm fine with it.
DAVE: And also Lane, I need four strong downbeats, not two strong ones and two whatever ones. You set the tone, Lane. If you suck, we suck.
LANE: God, he's wonderful.
CUT TO COFFEE SHOP
[Lorelai is sitting at a table as Alex walks over with two little coffee cups]
ALEX: Okay, now this is the Sumatra blend. It's supposed to be a little sharper than the Colombian.
LORELAI: You know, this is pretty much what I thought heaven would look like. There might have been a unicorn in the corner, but basically yeah, this is it. Um, so I've had fifteen of these tiny coffees.
ALEX: Yes, you have.
LORELAI: And you're telling me that all this tasting is completely free?
ALEX: Yes.
LORELAI: So I'm a cheap date.
ALEX: Well, the tasting is free, but I have to promise to stock my coffee chain from this warehouse, so actually this date is costing me about eleven thousand dollars a month.
LORELAI: Geez, I hope I'm worth it.
ALEX: So far, so good.
LORELAI: So you were telling me about Hillary and Jeff.
ALEX: Right. Well, they live with their mom, but I get them quite a bit. They both recently started soccer because apparently it's the law.
LORELAI: I know. Rory's still got an outstanding warrant on that one. So, how old are they?
ALEX: Six and nine.
LORELAI: Good ages.
ALEX: Haven't really h*t a bad one yet.
LORELAI: Me either. Although, with Rory, I think it's gonna be forty-three.
ALEX: Really?
LORELAI: Not sure why, just have a feeling that's the year she's getting the mohawk. Mm, we like sharper. When you guys open your coffee place, this must be on the menu.
ALEX: Yeah? Mm, that's sharper.
LORELAI: So, let's see, we've covered work, kids. . .uh, shall we move onto hobbies?
ALEX: Not a hobby guy.
LORELAI: Hallelujah.
ALEX: Most of the time I'm working, with the kids, or I'm charming the chicks with the coffee. And then a few times a year, I'll go camping or fishing. I actually really love that stuff.
LORELAI: Oh yeah?
ALEX: Absolutely. How about you?
LORELAI: Ah, there's a reason they call it the great outdoors, right?
ALEX: I was actually thinking of doing a little fishing this Saturday.
LORELAI: Oh, that sounds like fun.
ALEX: This great place, beautiful, perfect fishing. You wanna come?
LORELAI: Huh?
ALEX: I'd love to take you.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, sure. That would be nice.
ALEX: Great, it's a date.
LORELAI: Yes, it is a date. It is a fishing date.
ALEX: Ready to try another? I hear there's one from Peru that comes with a Surgeon's General warning.
LORELAI: Hey, if that last one didn't k*ll me, nothing will.
ALEX: Be right back.
CUT TO BUS STOP
[Rory gets off the bus; Lane runs up to her]
LANE: Rory! Rory! The numbers are all adding up, the planets are aligning, and I am going to my senior prom!
RORY: What?
LANE: Yes!
RORY: How?
LANE: Because I am brilliant. See, my mom was in a good mood today because she made a big sale a dining room table and eight chairs, none of which matched, that have been hanging around the shop since I was four.
RORY: Oh, I'm gonna miss those.
LANE: Get over it. Anyway, I sat her down and I told her that I really wanted to go to the prom. And I know she doesn't approve of such things, but if she lets me go, we will do it her way.
RORY: But her way would be not to let you go.
LANE: Yes, she said that also. But then I went on to clarify that if she lets me go, she would get full dress approval, full chaperone approval, I promise not to actually dance at the prom, and whatever boy I go with will be required to attend at least four family dinners before she signs off on him being my escort.
RORY: Nice move on using the word escort instead of the word date.
LANE: The subliminal is half the battle, Rory.
RORY: Go on, go on.
LANE: So, she sat there, took it all in, and after a really long pause, she looks at me and says, "Maybe."
RORY: You got a maybe from Mrs. Kim.
LANE: I got a maybe from Mrs. Kim.
[they walk into the beauty supply store]
LANE: Okay, let's start with base.
RORY: Right. Now, we are talking Dave taking you to the prom, right?
LANE: Of course. My mom loves him. Last week she let him sit in our pew.
RORY: No.
LANE: She made me move.
RORY: You've been replaced.
LANE: I'd be offended if I weren't so busy doing a happy dance. It's all working out so perfectly. By the time she says yes, she'll love him even more and then when I say I wanna go to the prom with him, it'll be like she picked him out herself.
RORY: You are brilliant. Hey, Kirk, is this waterproof?
KIRK: Water-resistant.
RORY: Thanks.
LANE: You know, she asked Dave to play at the wedding this weekend.
RORY: I thought I was the only non-Korean allowed at the Kim family weddings.
LANE: Don't be hurt. You have been to so many of these weddings, you are an honorary member of the clan now.
RORY: I appreciate that. So, tell me, your cousin getting married Saturday, what's his story?
LANE: James. Very quiet, kind of skulky, couldn't meet anyone here, so his family arranged to have a girl shipped over from the old country.
RORY: I hope they cut air holes in the box.
LANE: She doesn't speak a word of English and she's never met him.
RORY: Hm. Well, then she's gonna need some sparkles.
LANE: Okay, I think that's it.
RORY: Let's go. Can you imagine marrying someone you didn't know?
LANE: Are you kidding? Used clothes still skeeve me out a little.
KIRK: Will this be all?
RORY: Yes. I like your display Kirk.
KIRK: It is fun, isn't it? Okay, that's $40.42.
LANE: Here.
KIRK: I'm also including a few samples, a facial scrub and a honey mask. Very soothing, very healing.
RORY: That's very nice.
KIRK: Thank you for coming, and call me and tell me how you like that mask.
RORY: We will.
[they walk outside]
LANE: Okay, the wedding's at four, so how about you come over at one and we'll get her ready?
RORY: Deal.
LANE: You know, Rory, I feel good. I feel like everything's going my way this time.
RORY: I hope so.
LANE: No, it is, I can feel it. Lane Kim is going to her prom.
RORY: Maybe.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Sookie is frosting a cake, Lorelai is sitting next to her]
LORELAI: Dumb, dumb, dumb.
SOOKIE: Oh, come on.
LORELAI: Sure, I fish. I also bodysurf and walk on the moon without a space suit.
SOOKIE: You were trying to impress him.
LORELAI: Ugh.
SOOKIE: What ugh? You like him.
LORELAI: I like him, but I'm not sixteen. I don't lie to guys to make them like me. I just got stuck when he said fishing and camping, and I was trying to be nice and not say, "Fishing? Great cold, wet, and smelly. My three favorite things after those witches from Macbeth."
SOOKIE: Honey, we all do it. When Jackson and I first started dating, we went to this pickling festival, and he wore a shirt with a giant frog on it. So I'm trying to make conversation and I say, "Hey, cute frog." And he says, "You like frogs?" and I say, "I love frogs!" So, for our six-month anniversary, he gives me a frog figurine.
LORELAI: Aw.
SOOKIE: And then when Christmas came, he gave me another frog figurine. And then he told his family what to get me, and all of a sudden. . .
LORELAI: Your frog collection!
SOOKIE: I'm the frog girl.
LORELAI: You never told him you don't love frogs?
SOOKIE: No. He has the best time buying them for me, so I just let him buy them.
LORELAI: That's sweet. Maybe I could go fishing. Maybe. Once.
SOOKIE: Tell me about Alex.
LORELAI: Well, he owns an iron company. They do gates and statues, big fancy stuff. He's divorced, he has two kids he's crazy about. He's nice, he drinks a lot of coffee. It's all good, it all works.
SOOKIE: So?
LORELAI: So. . .I'm going fishing. I'm the fish girl.
SOOKIE: Frog girl welcomes you to the club!
CUT TO CHILTON
[Students are gathering for the student council meeting]
LOUISE: I don't know what to do. It's time to break up, but he seems so happy.
MADELINE: You could date his brother.
LOUISE: I guess, but that's so been there, done that.'
MADELINE: We could switch.
LOUISE: Isn't that how I got him?
MADELINE: Oh yeah. Wow, it really is time to go to college.
ADVISOR: Rory, where is Paris?
RORY: I don't know.
ADVISOR: She's almost fifteen minutes late.
RORY: Is she?
ADVISOR: All right. Well, perhaps we should start without her. You can convene the meeting.
RORY: Okay. If everyone will take their seats, we can call this meeting to order. All right, since Paris isn't here
PARIS: Paris is here. Couldn't wait to jump in there and take over, could you?
RORY: Tell it to the Timex salesman.
PARIS: My gavel, please? I call this meeting to order.
RORY: I already did that.
PARIS: Sorry I'm late, but I had some very important business to attend to. Business which I must now, unfortunately, share with all of you. At the beginning of this year, when we were sworn in as your government representatives, we placed our hand on a bible and we took an oath. An oath that stated that our behavior would be ethically and morally upstanding for as long as we were serving in public office. And that is why it saddens me greatly today to inform you that one of our own has forsaken that holy oath.
MADELINE: I hate anything that starts with a speech.
ADVISOR: What are you talking about, Paris?
PARIS: I hold in my hand evidence accusing one Rory Gilmore of committing high crimes and misdemeanors.
RORY: What?
ADVISOR: Paris, what's going on here?
PARIS: Miss Gilmore has been conspiring with the various factions of this school to weaken the efficacy of this administration.
RORY: You're really pathetic, you know that?
PARIS: You'll have your chance to address these charges when I'm done.
RORY: What charges?
PARIS: First on the list, espionage.
RORY: Espionage?
PARIS: Gathering privileged information and divulging it to the enemy.
RORY: What privileged information? Prom colors are green and pink, pass it on?
PARIS: Next on our list, the most serious crime treason.
RORY: I'm sorry I talked about Jamie.
PARIS: And having a big mouth. That's going on the list also.
RORY: I can't believe you're taking all of this out on me. What about Francie?
PARIS: Francie was not my second in command. Francie was not privy to the innermost workings of my personal. That is, not until you made her privy.
RORY: Everyone in school saw you walking with Jamie, Paris.
PARIS: I'm still talking.
RORY: She already knew!
ADVISOR: Enough! We've heard enough.
PARIS: I move to put to a vote the impeachment of Rory Gilmore.
RORY: Hey!
ADVISOR: Miss Gellar, I'm sorry, but we do not impeach here at Chilton.
PARIS: Why not?
ADVISOR: Because this is a student government.
PARIS: Well, then, I'd like to put to a vote a resolution to instate the ability to impeach.
ADVISOR: No.
PARIS: Then she should resign.
RORY: I'm not going to resign. You have the problem, you resign.
PARIS: No, you resign!
RORY: No, you resign!
PARIS: No, you resign!
ADVISOR: No one is resigning.
LOUISE: Maybe I'll stay with him til Friday and see how it goes.
MADELINE: That sounds fair.
ADVISOR: You two can take this argument somewhere else. This is student council. Real school matters are the only things that matter here. Now, Paris, move on.
PARIS: The swimming pool needs re-plastering. Ideas for fundraising, please.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[A woman with a briefcase walks in]
NICOLE: Excuse me? Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Lucas Danes.
JESS: Oh, Lucas.
LUKE: What?
JESS: IRS.
NICOLE: I'm not IRS. I'm not IRS.
LUKE: I'm Luke Danes.
NICOLE: Luke Danes, sorry. Well, hello Luke Danes, I'm Nicole Leahy, I'm Taylor Doose's attorney.
LUKE: Oh, geez.
NICOLE: He wanted me to bring
LUKE: Yeah, the lease agreements, yes, I know. I told him to walk them over here, but hey, what's the fun of being Taylor, right?
NICOLE: I'm sorry if this is a bad time. It certainly won't take me very long.
LUKE: Nah, I'm fine, whatever. Let's get this over with.
NICOLE: No problem.
LUKE: You want some coffee?
NICOLE: Yeah, sounds great. I really just need to witness your signature, is all. It's actually just a formality.
LUKE: In other words, completely ridiculous and unnecessary.
NICOLE: Uh huh.
LUKE: Okay.
NICOLE: Mr. Doose really likes things to be formal. And neat. And in triplicate. He just loves things in triplicate. That's a really good cup of coffee.
LUKE: Thanks. So, tell me something, what's it like being Taylor's lawyer?
NICOLE: Well, actually, I'm not exactly Mr. Doose's lawyer. Or only lawyer. He's one of our select clients, so all of our attorneys deal with him or a rotating basis, it's my month.
LUKE: My condolences.
NICOLE: Yeah, my father always told me that which does not k*ll you makes you stronger.
LUKE: You're gonna be really stronger.
NICOLE: He's not that bad.
LUKE: Seriously, if you run into someone pinned underneath a truck, pick it up. It's gonna be a piece of cake. Okay, looks like that's the whole nine yards.
NICOLE: Great. You and Mr. Doose are officially in business together. Oh, I'm so sorry, I meant that as a good thing.
LUKE: It's okay.
NICOLE: Uh, I will let you get back to work. Let me. . .
LUKE: No, no, on me.
NICOLE: Tell you what. It's business, let's let Mr. Doose pay for it.
LUKE: Even better.
[Nicole leaves]
JESS: Well, that was an interesting show.
LUKE: What are you yammering about?
JESS: Guess Gloria Allred wants to go slumming.
LUKE: Shut up.
JESS: She was totally coming onto you.
LUKE: She was not.
JESS: Couldn't you hear her panting when you were signing those things?
LUKE: Didn't see it.
JESS: She laughed at your jokes, and we both know there's gotta be some ulterior motive when people laugh at your jokes.
LUKE: Okay, whatever. Even if there was something, which I'm not saying there was, she's a suit. Not my type.
JESS: Yeah, especially since she's not a monk.
LUKE: Oh, I don't go out that much, is that what that's supposed to mean?
JESS: Take a look at a calendar. When was the last time you went out on a date? A year, two years ago?
LUKE: Last month, wiseass. I went out with Joanna Cooper.
JESS: You gave her a ride home.
LUKE: A ride home is the end of a date.
JESS: Only if you go on a date first.
LUKE: I'm not gonna discuss this with you.
JESS: Suit yourself. I have to go meet Rory anyhow. See, I'm gonna go pick her up, spend a few hours actually being with her, then give her a ride home. That's called the end of a date.
LUKE: Or I could stay open a few hours later which means you're here til ten. That's also called the end of a date.
JESS: Hopeless.
LUKE: Bye now.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai is sitting at a table looking bored when Luke walks over]
LORELAI: Hey, got any good stories?
LUKE: Nope, sorry.
LORELAI: Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name?
LUKE: Jeff Smith?
LORELAI: Skeletons in the family closet? w*r wounds? Funny shaped scars?
LUKE: It really throws you off when Rory's late, doesn't it?
LORELAI: Big time.
[Rory walks into the diner]
LORELAI: Oh, yay, thank God!
RORY: Sorry. Didn't Luke keep you company?
LORELAI: Oh, he tried, but really, he's got nothing.
LUKE: Thank you.
LORELAI: So what's with all the books?
RORY: We are going to fish.
LORELAI: With these?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: So we throw them in and try to knock the fish out?
RORY: I went to the library and got of all their best informational books on fishing.
LORELAI: Ugh, you're serious.
RORY: You wanna learn to fish or not? Exciting, huh?
LORELAI: Oh, I can barely keep still. [opens book] "Chapter 1, technique. For deep water fishing, an angler " What's an angler?
RORY: That would be you.
LORELAI: Oh, better remember that. Okay. "For deep water fishing, an angler" me, again "can choose a wire line using a downrigger or a vertical jig. Whatever your technique, the other successful clue to attracting fish is the appropriate lure." Ooh, what about the sequined top I wore to the Christmas party?
RORY: Yes, I think that's exactly what he's talking about.
LORELAI: "For bottom feeders, consider smaller, darker patterned lures" simple, yet elegant "while in areas where the forage fish are cicso, you're limited to the larger, more flashy baits." I am telling you right now, the larger flashy baits are just gonna make me look cheap.
RORY: Okay, let's review what do we know so far?
LORELAI: I need flashy baits if I'm going to invest in cisco, unless I choose to cast a troll in my downrigger.
RORY: Hey, that's good.
LUKE: Doing a little studying?
RORY: My mom's leaning how to fish.
LUKE: You're what?
LORELAI: I'm learning how to fish.
LUKE: Oh, sorry, wrong inflection you're what?
LORELAI: Go away.
LUKE: Why are you learning how to fish?
LORELAI: Um, it's just something I wanted to do. Some friends of mine fish, and I thought if they can do it I can do it.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: And what if I am a really great fisher? Yeah, I mean, what if that's my calling, the thing that I am meant to do? And all this time I've been sitting here with the gift to fish and I am squandering it. It's like if Mozart walked right by the piano store and never played a note.
LUKE: So you're gonna fish to fulfill your destiny?
LORELAI: That's right.
LUKE: And you're gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book?
LORELAI: Yes.
LUKE: And you sanctioned this?
RORY: Yes.
LUKE: Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there's another way to learn to fish.
LORELAI: The Fishing Channel.
LUKE: I fish.
RORY: Oh yeah, we've seen those boots thingies outside drying off.
LUKE: Those would be called waders.
LORELAI: And I'm sure I'll be reading about waders soon in one of these cliffhangers here.
LUKE: If you want, I can show you a few things, get you started, make sure you don't strangle yourself with your own line, the basics.
LORELAI: Are you sure you don't mind?
LUKE: I can come over tomorrow after work.
LORELAI: Great, thank you. Agh. Just for the record, I don't wanna learn that.
LUKE: Got it.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory walks into the secretary's office]
RORY: I got a note that I was supposed to come see Headmaster Charleston.
SECRETARY: I'll let him know you're both here.
RORY: Both?
PARIS: Both.
RORY: Both.
SECRETARY: Take a seat, please.
RORY: Yes, ma'am. [sits down next to Paris] So what this time, trying to have me deported?
PARIS: Oh, yeah, like I'm the one who called this meeting.
RORY: I certainly didn't call this meeting.
PARIS: Save the act for Sundance, you little snitch.
RORY: I didn't snitch.
PARIS: Said the weak-kneed turncoat.
RORY: Nixon's bad seed.
PARIS: Daughter of Judas.
HEADMASTER: Ladies, come in please.
[they walk into the office]
HEADMASTER: Have a seat. Chilton student council president and vice president in my office. . . not what I would've expected, I must tell you. There's been quite a stir about you two the past several days. The school is buzzing with the talk of your clashes in student council meetings, your face-offs in the cafeteria, a screaming match at the school newspaper's office.
PARIS: Excuse me, Headmaster Charleston, in regards to the incident at the Franklin, Ms. Gilmore submitted a piece that was quite poorly researched.
RORY: It was not poorly researched.
PARIS: I had to re-edit it and Ms. Gilmore took it very badly.
RORY: There was nothing wrong with the piece.
PARIS: And in regards to the student council meeting
RORY: Oh, you mean the one where you tried to impeach me because you haven't been properly diagnosed yet?
PARIS: If you'll just allow me access to my briefs
RORY: You know what, you want me to quit? Fine, I'll quit. I never wanted this stupid job in the first place.
PARIS: Who forced you to take it then?
RORY: You did, because you didn't think you'd get elected unless I ran with you.
PARIS: That's not true!
RORY: It's completely true!
PARIS: Shut up!
RORY: No, you shut up!
HEADMASTER: Enough! This behavior will stop this instant. It is disgraceful, especially from the political leaders of this campus. Now, I'd like to know what is actually driving this recent rash of infighting. Oh, goody, I get to guess. Well, let's see, perhaps you're arguing over the same boy?
PARIS: Sure, we're girls, so we could only be arguing about a boy, right? Sexist, white-haired
HEADMASTER: Paris, are you muttering?
PARIS: No, sorry.
HEADMASTER: All right, if it isn't a boy, perhaps it's a popularity thing. Someone didn't get invited to someone else's party? Or perhaps this is a power struggle of some sort. No? Well, then I'll stop guessing and start lecturing. Ms. Gilmore, you will not be quitting the student council, is that clear?
RORY: Yes, sir.
HEADMASTER: The student body has elected you and therefore you will fulfill your commitment. And in the future, I would advise you to think long and hard about accepting any responsibility if you intend to run away from it at the first sign of conflict. And Ms. Gellar, you worked very hard to get to the position you hold in this school, and yet now you are willing to throw all that away on petty vendettas and childish antics. Indeed, it makes me wonder. . .if you two can't resolve your issues in this sheltered some would say pampered environment, how on Earth will you ever survive in college? As student council officers, you represent Chilton to those inside and outside these hallowed halls. Right now, the world sees us as a group of sniveling, spiteful, vindictive individuals not really what I'd hoped for, nor is that how I portrayed the two of you in my personal letter of recommendation to Harvard. I would hate to have to write a second letter to the university correcting my errors in judgment. However, I've done it before. Am I making myself clear?
RORY: Yes, sir.
PARIS: Yes, sir.
HEADMASTER: Delightful. You may see yourselves out.
[Rory and Paris walk into the hallway]
RORY: Well, that was delightful, wasn't it? I'm not sure which is more embarrassing having Charleston yell at us or knowing we actually had a "shut up/no, you shut up" fight in front of him. So, what do you think, Paris? Do you feel as completely rotten as I do?
PARIS: No.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Luke is unloading his fishing gear out of his truck. He honks the horn and Lorelai walks out of the house]
LUKE: Let's go.
LORELAI: Hello, sailor, bait your hook for you?
LUKE: You look ridiculous.
LORELAI: I look adorable. No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit.
LUKE: Well, I'll just let that go by because we have a lot to do here.
LORELAI: Okay, wait. I'll just get my purse before we go.
LUKE: Go where?
LORELAI: To the lake.
LUKE: You're not ready for the lake.
LORELAI: Then what am I ready for?
[Luke points to the small inflatable pool he has set up in the yard]
LORELAI: Uh! You're putting me in the kiddie lake?
LUKE: Gotta crawl before you can walk.
LORELAI: Oh, this is not at all embarrassing. There's not even fish in it.
[Luke dumps a bucket of fish into the pool]
LUKE: Trout.
LORELAI: Hey! Aw, they're so cute! Hello, hi boys. And look, they're all "ooh" like they're singing in a little trout choir.
LUKE: I wouldn't get too attached.
LORELAI: Hi Gomer.
LUKE: There you go.
LORELAI: Oh, don't be scared Pinky.
LUKE: And now there's Pinky.
LORELAI: Pinky Dowdy from fourth grade. See her eyes darting back and forth, all panicked? She got that way from dodge ball. It's okay, Pinky, nobody's gonna hurt you. Hey Pete, stop crowding Pinky. It's okay, Pinky, just go over there behind Cheryl.
LUKE: Okay, now that everybody knows each other, take this.
LORELAI: What's that?
LUKE: That's your rod and reel.
LORELAI: Huh, rod and reel. I don't know if the guys are gonna like this.
LUKE: Well, we can skip the lesson and just take the trout out for some beers. It's up to you, really.
LORELAI: No, I'm going to learn.
LUKE: Okay. I already went ahead and threaded your line through the guides here, and put a hook on it.
LORELAI: What kind of bait is that?
LUKE: It's a cork.
LORELAI: Remind me not to let you cater any of my parties.
LUKE: It's to cover the hook. Okay, now, this little metal thing is the bail. It's very important. It keeps your line on the spool here.
LORELAI: Line on the spool, got it.
LUKE: Okay, take the rod in your right hand, and you press your right index finger on the line, holding it against the pole. With your left hand, slide the bail over. Now don't let go of your index finger or all the line will spin off your spool. Now, pull the pole back over your shoulder to the ten o'clock position.
LORELAI: Oh, great, now I gotta go buy a watch.
LUKE: You flip your wrist forward to two o'clock, at the same time releasing your index finger, casting your line out into the lake in front of you. Now, you try.
[hands her the fishing pole]
LORELAI: Okay. Now, I do something with my right hand, my right index finger, and with the bail and a spool, and pull the thingy. . .
[she accidentally casts the line backwards]
LORELAI: Oh! Now, that would've been embarrassing if I weren't dressed like this.
LUKE: Oh, you released at eleven, you're supposed to release at two o'clock. Try again.
LORELAI: Okay.
[Lorelai casts the line again]
LORELAI: Ah! Hey, I made it in the pool, I made it in the pool!
LUKE: I see that.
LORELAI: Why aren't you excited?
LUKE: I'm very excited.
LORELAI: Well, jump around or something.
LUKE: All right, you know, you're going in the pool.
LORELAI: Fine.
LUKE: All right, what do you think? Ready to take the cork off and try your luck?
LORELAI: Uh, uh, I'm ready, but they're not.
LUKE: No problem.
LORELAI: Man, you need a lot of stuff for fishing.
LUKE: Well, normally, you don't bring your own lake.
LORELAI: Right, right.
LUKE: So, tell me why you're doing this.
LORELAI: Because you told me to.
LUKE: I mean, tell me why you're learning to fish.
LORELAI: Oh. I told you, some of my friends are going.
LUKE: What friends? Sookie?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Is Sookie going fishing?
LORELAI: Well
LUKE: Or Rory did Rory suddenly get the overwhelming urge to dig for worms and stand in the middle of a lake at five a.m.?
LORELAI: Yes? Okay, fine, I met this guy.
LUKE: Ah.
LORELAI: And, uh, he's kind of an outdoorsy guy.
LUKE: Oh, just your type.
LORELAI: No, not exactly, but he's nice and, uh, he was talking about fishing, and I think I said something like, Oh, hey, that sounds great', and so he invited me and here I am.
LUKE: I got it.
LORELAI: Sorry I didn't tell you.
LUKE: Why didn't you tell me?
LORELAI: I don't know. I just felt stupid getting rooked into the thing in the first place, and then. . .plus, you don't wanna hear about my personal life.
LUKE: So this'll be your first date or. . .
LORELAI: Second.
LUKE: Second date.
LORELAI: He took me to this coffee tasting place.
LUKE: Coffee tasting, just your type.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
LUKE: Well, I think that's great.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: Yeah. When are you going?
LORELAI: Sunday morning.
LUKE: Oh. Well, it's hard to be a fisher woman without your own pole. You can borrow one of mine if you want.
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: Yeah, I got an extra little tackle box, too. . . if you want.
LORELAI: That would be great.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Can you do me one more favor?
LUKE: Sure.
LORELAI: Put a cork on your hook.
LUKE: Sure.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is resting her head on the kitchen table]
LORELAI: [from other room] Could you please just make some coffee?
RORY: I'm not doing anything for you ever.
LORELAI: Don't be mad.
RORY: You set my alarm for 5:15 a.m.
LORELAI: [walking into the kitchen] I know, and I did it for purely practical reasons.
RORY: Which are?
LORELAI: My alarm is just not as reliable as your scream.
RORY: You will pay.
LORELAI: That's fine, honey. Now, coffee?
RORY: I am writing this in my ledger of all the crummy things you've done over the years, and when I leave this house, mark my words you will pay!
[doorbell rings]
LORELAI: Oh great. It's 5:30 a.m., and I have no coffee in my system.
[Lorelai answers the door.]
ALEX: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi.
ALEX: [holds up a bag] Coffee and donuts.
LORELAI: Ah, I like you. Come on in. Right in here. [they walk to the living room] This is Rory.
ALEX: Hi, I'm Alex.
RORY: Nice to meet you. Would've been nicer in the daylight, but. . .
LORELAI: Okay, let's get going. It's not like the fish are gonna wait for us all day, right? I'll take that coffee now. Thank you. I got it, I got it.
[Lorelai walks toward the front door]
ALEX: Your mom's never been fishing before, has she?
RORY: Oh, no, she's a well-seasoned fish k*ller.
ALEX: Uh huh. I made lunch reservations at the Shahaela Lodge and Spa afterward. Think she'll like that?
RORY: She'll love that.
ALEX: Good. Go back to sleep.
CUT TO KIM RESIDENCE
[Guests are mingling before the wedding]
MRS. KIM: Min Jae, you lost weight. Look good, not so fat.
MIN JAE: Thank you.
[Mrs. Kim sees Lane carrying a tray of water glasses]
MRS. KIM: What is that?
LANE: The bride's thirsty.
MRS. KIM: Regulate the water. Once the dress is on, that's it must remain standing.
[Lane walks over to Dave]
LANE: Hi.
DAVE: Hi, and hi.
LANE: Uh, this will not be the mental image you carry around of me the rest of the week.
DAVE: No, it won't. Hold on, I just saw the back. Yes, it will.
MRS. KIM: Why aren't you upstairs? It's not right to leave the bride alone on her wedding day.
LANE: Uh, Rory's up there, Mama, and I'm going up there right now. Dave Rygalski was just wondering where to set up.
MRS. KIM: David, hello.
DAVE: Hello, Mrs. Kim. The place looks wonderful.
MRS. KIM: Thank you. Come, sit here. This is Ho Kyung, she'll sing with you.
DAVE: Hi.
MRS. KIM: Watch the high notes, she's a runner.
CUT TO LANE'S BEDROOM
[Rory is fixing the bride's hair when Lane walks in]
LANE: How's it going?
RORY: I like it, but I'm not the one getting married. [to bride] Um, your hair, do you like it?
[Lane asks her in Korean, and the lady responds in Korean]
LANE: Too much for me.
RORY: Oh, I found the Mrs. Kim-approved makeup in the drawer, but let me tell you, since the last wedding, it has developed a smell.
LANE: A what? Oh boy.
RORY: As I said, a smell.
[Lane retrieves some makeup from under her floorboard]
LANE: Well, I've got the good stuff right here, right next to the Peggy Lee.
RORY: Seems appropriate.
LANE: I thought so. Shall we?
RORY: Unh unh, the foot stool.
LANE: Whoa. All set. So, Dave's here.
RORY: He is, huh?
LANE: I still can't believe he's willing to do all this just to go out with me.
RORY: Well, hey, where else can he find a decent, pretty, smart girl who can recite the entire encyclopedia of rock in 5/8 time?
LANE: Nowhere, I guess.
RORY: I'm really happy for you guys.
LANE: Thanks. I'm really happy for you and Jess, too.
RORY: Thanks. You know it's okay, right?
LANE: Not following.
RORY: It's okay not to like Jess.
LANE: I said I was happy for you.
RORY: I know.
LANE: God, I'm such a jerk.
RORY: You're not. Look, we're not always going to like the same things. Like, you like Smashing Pumpkins and I don't.
LANE: But that's only cause you're close-minded and blind.
RORY: What can I say? They're not my angst.
LANE: Besides, it's not like I don't want to like Jess. I can't help it. As your best friend, I'm very protective of you.
RORY: You could try giving him a second chance.
LANE: I could. I should. I will. Um, hey, maybe we can all go out sometime together as a group, you know, you, me, Dave, Jess.
RORY: Absolutely, we should do that sometime.
LANE: Great. [the door starts to open] Incoming!
[Rory pushes the makeup off the vanity as Mrs. Kim walks into the room]
MRS. KIM: What's going on in here?
LANE: Nothing, Mama.
RORY: I fell off my chair.
LANE: Oh, well, don't.
RORY: Yes, ma'am.
MRS. KIM: She looks very beautiful. Must've gotten a good night sleep.
[Mrs. Kim leaves the room]
RORY: How many people do you think have gotten married here over the years?
LANE: I counted once off the guest book forty-six.
RORY: Wow. What happened to that one, Min Cha? She married a real mean guy.
LANE: Wan Nam. Didn't I tell you about them?
RORY: No.
LANE: Well, Min Cha put up with seven years of Wan Nam telling her she was stupid and ordering her to cook all his meals. Then one day, he was in the kitchen looking for his lunch and she just snapped. Took a carrot peeler and turned on him.
RORY: A carrot peeler?
LANE: You can get those things pretty sharp. Anyway, she just came at him and started peeling. The neighbors called the police. They showed up and Wan Nam was just standing there all peeled.
RORY: What happened?
LANE: He didn't press charges, but now he makes all his own meals, sleeps in a locked separate room, and keeps the cutting board by his bed for protection. Still married, though.
RORY: Wow.
LANE: Everybody's still married. It's like a factory system here. They all come to the weddings, find a spouse, get married and stay that way til they die.
RORY: They mate for life, like the loons.
LANE: You know, this may be the last wedding for a long time, though.
RORY: How come?
LANE: Well, all my cousins in their twenties and thirties are married. James was the last one.
RORY: Wow. It feels like we've had at least two of these every year since I can remember.
LANE: Elementary school, when we met.
RORY: Elementary school, when we met, yeah.
LANE: Well, we do have some distant relatives left. Maybe we can go to one of those weddings. You know, when we come home from college on break or something.
RORY: Well, then, we should definitely keep the makeup.
LANE: We definitely should.
RORY: And who knows, maybe the next Kim wedding we do makeup for will be yours.
LANE: Too scary, don't freak me out.
RORY: Sorry.
LANE: So, what do you think, eye shadow?
RORY: Why not? Let's do it. Peeled to death that's a bad way to go.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke looks out the window and sees Taylor talking to his lawyer. They wave to each other.]
LUKE: [to customer] Here you go. We'll top that off for ya. [to Jess] Coffee over here.
JESS: Where you going?
[Luke walks out of the diner]
LUKE: Uh, Miss Leahy?
NICOLE: Yeah? Mr. Danes, how are you?
LUKE: Good, good, and it's Luke.
NICOLE: Okay, Luke. What can I do for you?
LUKE: I wouldn't cross there.
NICOLE: Why not?
LUKE: Well, Taylor's a stickler about jaywalking and he's town magistrate. I'd hate for you to be disbarred.
NICOLE: Well, that would be a bad way to end a career, thank you.
LUKE: Sure. So, uh, did the lease forms all work out? I mean, was my signature okay? Cause sometimes I'm in a kind of a hurry and my hand just takes off without me.
NICOLE: Your signature seemed very steady.
LUKE: Good, good, cause you never know.
NICOLE: Well
LUKE: Listen, I was thinking about that cup of coffee you had at my place the other day. I felt bad making Taylor pay for it not that I ever feel bad sticking it to Taylor. I just thought it might get you in trouble with a client. I'd hate to see you disbarred again.
NICOLE: To be honest, I actually paid for the coffee myself.
LUKE: Oh, oh, well, then at least let me pay you back for it.
NICOLE: You wanna give me seventy-five cents?
LUKE: No, no, no, uh, what I meant was ah, what the hell? Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?
NICOLE: Yeah.
LUKE: Really?
NICOLE: I'd love to have dinner with you.
LUKE: Great. Okay, uh, well, I have your card.
NICOLE: Mmhmm.
LUKE: Why don't I give you a call this week and we'll make that happen.
NICOLE: Sounds good.
LUKE: Yeah, sounds good. So, see ya. Watch those crosswalks.
NICOLE: Thanks, I will.
[Luke walks back into the diner]
LUKE: Shut up.
JESS: I said nothing.
LUKE: Well, don't.
CUT TO KIM RESIDENCE
[The wedding has started.]
PRIEST: [speaks Korean to bride]
BRIDE: [answers in Korean]
PRIEST: [to groom] And do you vow to uphold the principles of the seventh commandment as set out in Exodus 20:14?
JAMES: I do.
PRIEST: [speaks Korean] [pause] And so, in the Glory of God, I pronounce you husband and wife.
RORY: That was nice.
LANE: Yeah, it was really nice
MRS. KIM: Reception at Elks Lodge. Two hundred guests. Food goes fast. Let's move.
RORY: I can't believe that's the last time I'll hear your mom say that.
LANE: So, are you coming to the reception?
RORY: Oh, no, I was actually going to
LANE: Go meet Jess.
RORY: Yeah. Are you mad?
LANE: No. You know, he can come to the reception with you if. . . he's not really the reception kind of guy, is he?
RORY: Not really. Not yet, anyway.
LANE: We'll work on that.
RORY: Yes, we will.
LANE: Okay, tell him hi for me.
RORY: I will. Tell Dave hi for me.
LANE: I will.
RORY: Bye.
LANE: Bye.
[Rory leaves]
MRS. KIM: Lane!
LANE: Yes, Mama.
MRS. KIM: This is Young Chui.
LANE: Hi.
YOUNG CHUI: Hi.
MRS. KIM: He will take you to the prom.
LANE: What?
MRS. KIM: Young Chui works for his father who builds Adventist hospitals. Young Chui will go to college at Loma Linda University. Then he will return to work for his father building Adventist hospitals. Now, put your coat on. Young Chui and his parents will drive you to Elks Lodge. [walks away]
LANE: Mama! [to Young Chui] I'm sure you're very nice.
[Lane follows Mrs. Kim to the kitchen]
MRS. KIM: [to wedding guests] Not a bus stop, door's that way.
LANE: I have to talk to you.
MRS. KIM: Get your coat, we have to go.
LANE: No.
MRS. KIM: No?
LANE: I can't go to the prom with Young Chui.
MRS. KIM: Why not? I thought you wanted to go to the prom.
LANE: Yes, I do wanna go to the prom.
MRS. KIM: I thought you say I could approve the boy you go to the prom with.
LANE: I did say that, but -
MRS. KIM: Well, I found the boy, I approve the boy, now you go to the prom with the boy.
LANE: Mama, um, I'm sure I'm sure Young Chui's very nice and I'm so grateful you're letting me go to the prom, but the thing is I like someone else.
MRS. KIM: Someone else?
LANE: Yes.
MRS. KIM: Someone else who?
LANE: Someone else who's been a good friend to this family. Who's proven himself to be of high moral character, someone who you yourself feels is worthy. So worthy, in fact, you let him sit in our pew at church.
MRS. KIM: Who who did I let sit in our pew?
LANE: Dave Rygalski.
MRS. KIM: The guitar player?
LANE: I know, crazy, right? I can hardly believe it myself because, to be quite honest with you, when I first met him, when you hired him to play at Thanksgiving, well, I just didn't like him at all. He bugged me, actually. But the more you liked him and trusted him, the more I saw the good in him, the God in him, actually, and now I'm convinced. . . he's the boy I want to take me to prom.
MRS. KIM: He's not Korean.
[cut to front hallway]
DAVE: Lane? Hey, Lane? Is everything all right?
LANE: You're not Korean.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory walks through the front door]
RORY: I'm home!
LORELAI: [from upstairs] Upstairs, bathroom!
CUT TO UPSTAIRS BATHROOM
[Lorelai is watching a fish swim in the bath tub; Rory walks in]
RORY: Hey. [sees the fish] Oh, no.
LORELAI: Isn't she cute?
RORY: What happened?
LORELAI: The cork fell off my hook and Jayne Mansfield over here bit.
RORY: Jayne Mansfield.
LORELAI: Not the brightest fish in the pond, but she's awfully pretty.
RORY: You caught a fish.
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: And you brought it home.
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: How are you gonna take a bath?
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: How long is it gonna live?
LORELAI: Hard to say.
RORY: What are you gonna feed it?
LORELAI: See, this is why I don't fish.
RORY: She is kinda cute.
LORELAI: And she has a great tail swish.
RORY: So, other than bringing home a pet, how was fishing?
LORELAI: Good. The lake was beautiful, snowy and sparkly, and right down the road from the Shahaela Lodge and Spa.
RORY: I knew that.
LORELAI: How could you already know that?
RORY: Alex told me when you guys left.
LORELAI: Two dates with this guy and you're already in cahoots with each other.
RORY: Ah, what can I say? I'm wily.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
RORY: So, are you going out with him again?
LORELAI: Uh huh.
RORY: Camping?
LORELAI: Unh unh.
RORY: Good. So do you think maybe we should try to rehabilitate her and send her back into the wild?
LORELAI: Unfortunately, I think she's already domesticated. Baths and scented candles.
RORY: We'll just have to keep her.
LORELAI: Maybe we can train her to do tricks.
RORY: Tomorrow. Night Jayne.
LORELAI: Night Jayne.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x12 - Lorelai Out Of Water"} | foreverdreaming |
3.13 - Dear Emily and Richard
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Gail Mancuso
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Richard and Emily are sitting in the living room]
LORELAI: Mom, I swear, it was Aunt Maureen.
EMILY: Aunt Maureen would never hike up her skirt in public.
LORELAI: She would after half a gallon of eggnog.
EMILY: Richard, who was the one who got drunk at our Christmas party and hiked up her skirt in front of the Town and Country photographer?
RICHARD: I'm sorry, did you say something?
LORELAI: I don't know about you, Mom, but I've never felt so fascinating in my entire life.
[Rory walks in]
RORY: I'm so sorry I'm late. Hi Grandma, Hi Grandma.
RICHARD: Hello Rory.
LORELAI: Oh, now he closes the paper.
RORY: Hey, Mom, I stopped by the bookstore on the way here.
LORELAI: You got them?
RORY: I got them!
EMILY: Got what?
LORELAI: Rory and I are starting to plan our Europe trip.
RORY: The day after graduation, we are gone.
RICHARD: Well, that sounds very exciting.
EMILY: Lorelai, what are these?
LORELAI: Those are guidebooks.
EMILY: "Europe Through the Backdoor." "The Rough Guide to Europe." What kind of guidebooks are these?
LORELAI: The cheap kind.
RORY: They have all the good information about backpacking and staying in hostels.
EMILY: Backpacking and staying in hostels?
RICHARD: Who's backpacking and staying in hostels?
LORELAI: We are.
[Emily and Richard laugh]
EMILY: No, you're not.
RICHARD: What a ridiculous thought.
RORY: We are. We're going to backpack around Europe.
EMILY: Yes, I know, it's fun to tease your grandmother, dear. They're going to backpack across Europe, Richard.
RICHARD: I heard, sounds delightful. Perhaps we should join them.
EMILY: That sounds wonderful. Tomorrow I'll go out and buy some cutoffs.
LORELAI: Guys, we're not kidding.
EMILY: You're telling me you're seriously going to traipse across Europe with your possessions strapped to your back and sleep in a room with thirty other people?
LORELAI: Yes.
RICHARD: No.
RORY: Grandpa.
RICHARD: It's not safe. I forbid it. Call our travel agent.
RORY: But we want to be spontaneous. Jump a train to Paris, head off to Spain.
LORELAI: Oh no, it's raining in Spain. But since the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain. . .
RORY: Looks like Italy for us!
LORELAI: Mamma mia!
RICHARD: You can still travel around aimlessly and stay in a decent hotel.
LORELAI: We wanna do it cheap.
EMILY: We'll pay.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Grandma, it's going to be fun, really.
LORELAI: Kids do this all the time.
EMILY: Yes, but you're not a kid, you're a grown woman. What are people going to think when they see a grown woman bunking down with a bunch of twenty-year-olds?
LORELAI: Well, if the twenty-year-olds are cute, they'll probably think, "Lucky!"
RORY: Grandma, don't be upset. It really is going to be great.
EMILY: [reads from book] What's so traumatic about a night without a bed anyway? My survey shows those who have had the opportunity to be a refugee for a night have their perspectives broaden and actually enjoy the experience." Richard, this book is encouraging them to sleep in a park like a squirrel.
LORELAI: It's okay, Mom.
EMILY: My first trip to Europe, I went to Paris and stayed at the Ritz.
LORELAI: Well, I tell you what, if it'll make you happy, we'll go to Paris and eat out of their dumpster.
[opening credits]
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[The construction crew is working in front of the soda shop]
TOM: All of this goes in there. Let's move, we're getting backlogged.
DEAN: Tom, I brought over the nails you asked for.
TOM: Good. Get the guy's lunch orders, will ya?
DEAN: Already done.
TOM: You're a good kid, Dean. You hardly bug me at all.
DEAN: High praise.
TOM: Yeah, yeah, go, get the food. And don't forget the pickles.
DEAN: I wouldn't dare.
TOM: Oh, what do I gotta say to get this crap inside where it belongs? You got a language I'm not privy to? Cause I'm a fast learner.
MISS PATTY: Dean-o, Dean-o, Dean-o. If you grow any taller, I'm gonna have to get myself some mountain climbing equipment.
DEAN: You're getting dangerous to even walk near, you know that, Patty.
MISS PATTY: I've been told.
DEAN: You looking for Mr. Doose?
MISS PATTY: Oh, precious, no. I'm just looking.
DEAN: Ah.
MISS PATTY: Yeah.
DEAN: Okay. Well, uh, enjoy.
MISS PATTY: Oh, I always do. Ahh.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is leaning on the counter, reading a book]
JESS: Move.
LUKE: What? Oh, sorry.
JESS: What's that?
LUKE: It's nothing.
JESS: You reading?
LUKE: It's nothing.
JESS: I never see you reading.
LUKE: Will you just. . .I read.
JESS: What are you reading?
LUKE: I read, I read.
JESS: What do you read?
LUKE: Invoices, expiration dates.
JESS: I stand corrected. [takes Luke's book]
LUKE: Hey!
JESS: "Hidden Romantic Gems of the Restaurant World." Well, well, well.
LUKE: I would like my property back, please.
JESS: Planning something special?
LUKE: No, nothing special. I'm just taking Nicole to dinner on Friday and I wanna find a place.
JESS: A place you don't normally go to?
LUKE: Yes.
JESS: So a special place.
LUKE: Will you stop saying that word, please? And yes.
JESS: Find anything good?
LUKE: Every single description in here talks about tablecloths and dish design, nothing about the food.
JESS: You are really going through an awful lot for this lawyer.
LUKE: She's not a lawyer. I mean, yes, she's a lawyer, but she's also a lady, and a very nice lady who probably expects good food with her fancy plates and sparse yet elegant décor.
JESS: You're pathetic when you're in love.
LUKE: I'm not in love, I'm dating. This is what you do when you're dating.
JESS: It's not what I do when I'm dating.
LUKE: Well, Rory's a lucky girl. Work. I'm going upstairs.
JESS: Fine, but if a horse-drawn carriage shows up here, my throwing up will be eternal.
[Dean walks up to the counter]
DEAN: I gotta place an order.
JESS: Talk into the clown.
DEAN: I am.
JESS: What do you want?
DEAN: Six burgers, three with cheese -- two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain, one with chili, cheese and onions on the side. Your memory's that good?
JESS: You're screwing with me.
DEAN: I'm placing an order.
JESS: For all of Connecticut?
DEAN: For the construction crew next door.
JESS: Oh, you're Taylor's errand boy now.
DEAN: And you're Taylor's waitress.
JESS: Say that a little closer.
DEAN: I thought you had a girlfriend.
JESS: Give me your order and get out.
DEAN: Service with a smile. Uh, six burgers, three cheese -- two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain burgers, one chili burger with cheese and onions on the side. Three ham on ryes - one mayo, one mustard, one combo. A combo means mustard and
JESS: I know what a combo means.
DEAN: Sorry, guess that confused look is just how your face is.
JESS: Do you wanna talk about this outside?
DEAN: Just as soon as I'm finished. Uh, four hot dogs. Two egg salads on white. One chicken salad on wheat. A chef's salad with ranch. Five fries. Five onion rings. Two chips. Extra pickles.
JESS: On what?
DEAN: Excuse me?
JESS: What are the extra pickles on?
DEAN: On the side.
JESS: On the side of what? On the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road where the ditch I'm gonna dump your body into is?
DEAN: Just make sure there's enough for everyone.
JESS: Fine.
DEAN: Aren't you gonna read it back?
JESS: Nope.
DEAN: Okay, but these men were hired by Taylor, which means if they aren't satisfied with their orders, they will send them back. And they will continue to send them back until they are happy, which means you could be making this order until you die.
JESS: Six burgers, three with cheese two cheddar, one Swiss.
DEAN: Slower, please. I'm checking them off as we go.
JESS: Two plain burgers, one chili with cheese and onion on the side.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai is at the front desk on the phone]
LORELAI: [on phone] Hey, it's your party, we just want you to be happy. Okay. No problem. All right, I'll talk to you then. [hangs up] Ridgemont called.
MICHEL: No.
LORELAI: He's changing his mind about the theme for his retirement party again.
MICHEL: No!
LORELAI: We have to call the florist.
MICHEL: But this is the fourth theme he's picked. He had the fishing one, and the Kentucky Derby with the chocolate horsies, and the Tibet with the Richard Gere pictures everywhere.
LORELAI: I know.
MICHEL: And he promised that the golf would be the last one.
LORELAI: Well, he decided that golf was dull and he doesn't want to be remembered as dull.
MICHEL: Would he like to be remembered as limping, because I can be a fabulous help with that.
[They walk to the dining room, where workers are decorating the room in a golf theme]
LORELAI: Hey, guys. . .
[Everyone groans]
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
MICHEL: Here's an idea it's a retirement party, yes? Okay. So what happens after you retire? You die.
LORELAI: He changed his mind.
LANE: Again?
MICHEL: So, why don't we dig a big hole, throw him in, hand everybody a shovel, they take turns covering him up. We go inside, have dinner, the wife gets used to eating alone. . .
LORELAI: We are not going to bury him alive.
MICHEL: Well, fine then. What is the new theme?
LORELAI: He is calling me back at four.
RORY: I got the flags and. . .he changed his mind again.
LANE: He's worse than my mother at the Glory of Easter T-shirt stand.
LORELAI: You kept the receipt, I hope.
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: Good God, this party is gonna be the death of me.
MICHEL: Or someone.
LORELAI: Go call the florist.
RORY: You're stressed.
LORELAI: You're observant.
RORY: Well, I was going to save this for later, but you look like you need it now.
LORELAI: What's that?
RORY: I have been cordially invited to Sherry Tinsdale's C-section.
LORELAI: No way!
RORY: [reads from invitation] Friday, February seventh, six o'clock p.m. Join the girls for a toast, a hug, a wave to the mommy as they wheel her off, dinner at Sushi Sushi, and then back to the hospital for a formal viewing of brand-new baby Georgia. RSVP at your earliest convenience. P.S. -- gifts are not necessary, but always appreciated.
LORELAI: I don't even know where to start.
RORY: I knew you would like it.
LORELAI: You have to RSVP to a C-section.
RORY: And bring a gift.
LORELAI: I wonder if Laura Mercier makes Demerol.
RORY: You wanna keep it?
LORELAI: Oh, yes, please.
RORY: But don't lose it. I need the phone number.
LORELAI: So, are you going?
RORY: Well, I don't know. I mean, I know it's weird, but I kind of wanna see Georgia. She's sort of my sister.
LORELAI: She's more than sort of your sister.
RORY: I just think it would be cool to meet her the night that she's born. It's a good story to talk about.
LORELAI: You should go.
RORY: I should, shouldn't I?
LORELAI: And you should take pictures and wear a hidden microphone cause I wanna hear everything.
RORY: I'll see what I can do.
LORELAI: Oh, sh**t.
[Lorelai walks to the kitchen, where Sookie is frosting a golf ball cake]
LORELAI: Sook. . .
[Sookie flips the cake into the garbage can]
SOOKIE: God!
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk up to the house with boxes of Beanie Babies]
RORY: I just need to go on record that a grown man should not throw himself a Beanie Baby retirement party.
LORELAI: Just hold your breath this one actually takes.
RORY: And how is Sookie supposed to plan a Beanie Baby menu?
LORELAI: Lots of beans.
RORY: I think this is ridiculous.
LORELAI: Angel face, you need to learn that there are going to be times in your life when you have to do ridiculous things for money. If you're Adrian Zmed, that includes everything that ever happens in your whole career. [sees a box on the porch] Oh Rory, come on. Did you order from Amazon again? 'Cause we're going to get your books their own house.
RORY: I didn't, I swear.
LORELAI: It's from my mother.
RORY: What is it?
LORELAI: It's heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me.
RORY: I thought she discarded those years ago.
[they walk into the house]
LORELAI: Just drop the Beanies by the door. [reads note attached to the box] "Girls, here are some travel books I stumbled across in your father's study. I thought they could help in the planning of your European adventure." She's insane.
RORY: We have travel books.
LORELAI: No, sweetie, these aren't our kind of travel books. These are Paris and Nicky Hilton's kind of travel books.
RORY: [pulls some books out of the box] "Selected Hotels of Europe," "Hotels, Restaurants and Inns of Great Britain and Ireland, 1986", "Myra Waldo's Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe, '78."
LORELAI: Wow, these will be an enormous help in planning our trip. Hey, you wanna go see the Berlin Wall?
RORY: Sounds great.
LORELAI: My God, I remember these books. I think the only person in my house who ever read them was me.
RORY: This hotel is five hundred dollars a night.
LORELAI: Five hundred dollars a night twenty years ago.
RORY: What could a hotel possibly have that would make it five hundred dollars a night?
LORELAI: An English menu?
FLASHBACK ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Young Lorelai and Christopher walk through the front door]
LORELAI: Christopher, stop it, I'm trying to open the door. Graceful and lovely they enter.
CHRISTOPHER: Is she home?
LORELAI: I don't know. Mom, are you home?
CHRISTOPHER: Mom, are you home?
LORELAI: Shh, she'll hear you.
CHRISTOPHER: So, she likes me.
LORELAI: Oh, that's right. Mom, it's me, Lorelai, I'm home! I'm home and I'm taking my sweater off. I'm taking my sweater off and dropping it on the floor. I'm dropping it on the floor and walking away from it. I'm walking away from it and leaving it on the floor, and in two years I'm gonna register Democrat. Looks like no Emily.
CHRISTOPHER: Where's Sofia?
LORELAI: Fired.
CHRISTOPHER: Already.
LORELAI: She touched the Baccarat unicorn.
CHRISTOPHER: My God, is she insane?
LORELAI: Apparently so.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, so, to recap, there's no Emily and there's no Sofia.
LORELAI: And there's no supervision whatsoever. What will we do?
CHRISTOPHER: Let's celebrate.
LORELAI: Celebrate what?
CHRISTOPHER: No more midterms.
LORELAI: Hear, hear.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, I say that we drink to it.
LORELAI: Hear, hear.
CHRISTOPHER: Scotch, vodka, or gin?
LORELAI: Hear, hear.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay.
LORELAI: And put a cherry in it. It looks like the Gilmores are planning a trip again.
CHRISTOPHER: Where to this time?
LORELAI: Someplace fabulous where they'll stay at a fancy hotel with a lot of other rich Americans so they won't have to talk to anyone who actually lives in that country.
CHRISTOPHER: "Myra Waldo's Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe." Hello Myra.
LORELAI: Oh God, I hope they go over Christmas. That would be as holly jolly as it gets. Smooth.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey, guess what I decided I'm not gonna go to college.
LORELAI: Are you serious?
CHRISTOPHER: I'm taking a year and I'm going to Europe. I'm gonna backpack, train it, sleep on a bench, see the world.
LORELAI: And you've told Straub and Francine about your big plans, I'm sure.
CHRISTOPHER: Ah, it doesn't matter.
LORELAI: Mmhmm.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm outta here the second that diploma's in my hand.
LORELAI: Sounds good.
CHRISTOPHER: You're coming with me.
LORELAI: Oh, I am?
CHRISTOPHER: Yup.
LORELAI: I'm sleeping on a bench? Okay, how does that picture look to you, cause to me it looks like a big no.
CHRISTOPHER: Fine, you we get a room for, and then I'll just sleep on the bench outside.
LORELAI: Much better arrangement.
CHRISTOPHER: So you'll go?
LORELAI: Christopher, you're supposed to go to college. I'm supposed to go to college. Then you're supposed to join your dad's firm where you'll get a corner office and big stick to shove up your butt.
CHRISTOPHER: Change of plans.
LORELAI: You can't just change the plans. The plans came over on the Mayflower.
CHRISTOPHER: Come on, Lor. Let's get out of here, let's get away from this place. Let's take Myra and just bolt. Leave a note on the dining room table. "Dear Richard and Emily, I don't belong here, I'm going somewhere else, I'll call you when I get there. Love, Lorelai.' How does that sound?
LORELAI: Well, the word "whoopee" comes to mind.
CHRISTOPHER: So, then, it's a plan.
LORELAI: It's a plan.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE (PRESENT)
[Lorelai and Rory are still looking through the guidebooks]
RORY: Hey, I want to sleep amongst thirteenth century tapestries and chocolates made by local artisans.
LORELAI: Okay, then, it's settled. We're not staying at any place that wasn't built for Napoleon the third's doctor or doesn't have a Chagall in the bathroom.
RORY: Hear, hear.
LORELAI: Now we just have to figure out how we're gonna pay for it. Hey, how good's your organ grinding?
CUT TO CHILTON
[Students are gathered in a meeting room]
MADELINE: I called last night and I asked her to talk me through the Korean w*r and she said she was busy.
LOUISE: Oh, she's definitely got a boyfriend.
MADELINE: I know.
LOUISE: Well, I for one think it's about time.
MADELINE: I agree.
LOUISE: It wasn't healthy, all that non-dating.
MADELINE: It definitely didn't help that whole skin thing she was going through.
LOUISE: How come she didn't tell us?
MADELINE: I think she just wanted to make sure it was gonna take.
LOUISE: So, tell us, what's this Jamie like?
RORY: You know, I really don't feel like talking about Paris right now. Or ever.
MADELINE: Oh, come on, you know him, we don't.
LOUISE: Is he sexy?
MADELINE: Does he have a good car?
LOUISE: How's the trust fund?
MADELINE: How's the profile?
LOUISE: Will the prom pictures work?
MADELINE: How are his friends?
LOUISE: Yes. Is there spin-off potential? [Paris walks in] Whoops.
MADELINE: Bye.
PARIS: Okay, everyone, gather around. I have in my hand the 2002 Franklin Yearbook photos. I got copies for everyone, so let's leave the Barney's clearance sale reenactment for another day, shall we? And, please take note of the fact that the idea of posing under the new school banner was a major, major success.
RORY: Um, Paris.
PARIS: Yes?
RORY: I'm sneezing.
PARIS: What?
RORY: In the picture. I'm sneezing and my head is turned.
PARIS: Oh, yeah, I noticed that, but every picture had something wrong with it and I had to pick the one that was the best for the largest number of people.
RORY: We took ninety pictures.
PARIS: What's your point?
RORY: My point is in ninety tries, there wasn't one other picture that was good for the group and didn't have me looking like I'm in Cirque du Soleil.
PARIS: Sorry. Life can play some cruel tricks sometimes.
RORY: Life had a little help from the Gellar camp this time. [cell phone rings] We are not done. [answers phone] Hello?
MAUREEN: Rory, hi, listen. I just got the call and hold on a sec. I'll call him back. I'm back, sorry. Where was I?
RORY: Who is this?
MAUREEN: Maureen Rollins, Sherry's friend.
RORY: Oh, yes, uh, right, Maureen, I'm sorry, I -
MAUREEN: Don't worry about it. Listen, I know the invitation said that we were all gathering at the c-section next week, but Sherry just went into labor.
RORY: What?
MAUREEN: She screwed up, she's in labor, and she wanted me to call all the girls and beg them to get down to the hospital ASAP.
RORY: Oh.
MAUREEN: It's a big screw-up.
RORY: I guess.
MAUREEN: Can you come?
RORY: Well. . .
MAUREEN: You're a child, right?
RORY: What?
MAUREEN: School?
RORY: Huh?
MAUREEN: School, you have school?
RORY: Uh, yes, I have school, but
MAUREEN: Is there anyway you could reschedule school just for today? She completely screwed up, but she's still our Sherry.
RORY: Well, I'm actually done with school now. I could grab a train and
MAUREEN: That would be the best, the absolute best. You are a great kid. She's at Boston Memorial. I will meet you there. Listen, I have Graydon Carter on the other line.
RORY: Who?
MAUREEN: Graydon Carter. I have to go.
RORY: Okay, bye.
FLASHBACK ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[A photographer is setting up in the living room]
EMILY: Please make sure the light is very soft. I want a luminous quality.
PHOTOGRAPHER: I'm gonna have to see the young lady before I can set the final lighting.
EMILY: Yes, of course. Arletta, did you call Lorelai?
ARLETTA: Yes, ma'am. Twenty minutes ago.
EMILY: And what did she say?
ARLETTA: She said she was still getting dressed. Do you want me to go up there again?
EMILY: No, I'll do it. I swear, you'd think that it was my coming out portrait, not hers, for the amount of concern she has about all of this. I'll be right back. Don't scratch the floor.
[Cut to upstairs Young Lorelai is in her bedroom trying to fit into her debutante gown. There's a knock at the door.]
LORELAI: Yeah?
EMILY: Lorelai, the photographer needs you downstairs.
LORELAI: I'll be there in a sec.
EMILY: He needs you now, not in a sec.
LORELAI: Okay.
EMILY: I don't hear you walking toward the door.
LORELAI: Mom, please.
EMILY: I'm coming in.
LORELAI: No.
[Emily walks into the bedroom]
EMILY: I don't have time for your attitude young lady. This man is being paid by the hour. Why aren't you dressed?
LORELAI: I just. . .I think the zipper's too new or stiff or something.
EMILY: Turn around, I'll do it. [tries to zip up the dress] Oh my God.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: It's not the zipper, it's the dress. It's too small.
LORELAI: Are you sure?
EMILY: Of course I'm sure. It's too small. How can it be too small? We had a fitting three months ago. Have you gained weight?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Hold your breath.
LORELAI: I am.
EMILY: Hold your breath!
LORELAI: I am!
EMILY: The only thing I can think of is the dressmaker must've written the measurements down wrong. Well, what are we supposed to do now? I certainly can't take a picture of you like that.
LORELAI: Sorry.
EMILY: I'll just have to have him come back next week. And I'm going to call that woman at the dress shop and give her a piece of my mind. My God, is everyone in the world completely incompetent? Put on your sweats and run around the block. You're gonna fit into the next dress no matter what.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER (PRESENT)
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Okay, I have five minutes to drink as much coffee as I can before I have to drive to Hartford to spend the evening with my mother alone and. . .who am I saying this to?
KIRK: I was listening.
LORELAI: Where's Luke?
KIRK: I don't know.
LORELAI: Well, is he here? Is he coming back? How fresh is that pot?
KIRK: I don't know, I don't know, it was sitting there when I got here but that's only been a minute so I don't know.
[Luke walks down from upstairs]
LORELAI: Oh, thank God. Hey, I desperately need a massive cup of coffee to go and what happened to your face?
LUKE: What do you mean?
LORELAI: It's visible.
LUKE: Oh, I shaved.
LORELAI: You going to the bank?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Funeral?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Drag club?
LUKE: Let's get you your coffee, shall we?
LORELAI: Hey, isn't that the sweater that
LUKE: Yes, it is.
LORELAI: You look nice.
LUKE: Thank you.
LORELAI: What's the occasion?
LUKE: Oh, well
[Nicole walks into the diner]
NICOLE: Hi.
LUKE: Hi.
LORELAI: Oh, it's a girl. It's a. . .
LUKE: Nicole, this is Lorelai.
NICOLE: Nice to meet you. I'm Nicole Leahy.
LORELAI: Lorelai Gilmore.
NICOLE: Wow, you look nice.
LUKE: Yeah, you, too.
NICOLE: So, you ready or should I sit down?
LUKE: No, let's go, I'm ready.
NICOLE: Okay. [her cell phone rings] Oh, I'm sorry. I'll just
LORELAI: Oh, hey, hey Luke. . .
LUKE: She's a lawyer.
LORELAI: So what? Luke!
LUKE: Shh!
NICOLE: Hello? Yes. No, I'm sorry, Monday's not gonna work, it'll have to be Tuesday. Yes, well, your client breaking a contract is fairly annoying also, but we're all dealing with that. Terrific to hear. Bye Michael. [hangs up] Sorry. The phone is going off now.
LUKE: It's okay. Make as many calls as you want.
NICOLE: Nice meeting you.
LORELAI: You, too.
CUT TO HOSPITAL
[Rory steps off the elevator and walks up to a woman]
MAUREEN: [on phone] As soon as I can. All right, bye.
RORY: Maureen?
MAUREEN: Yes?
RORY: I'm Rory. I'm Christopher's daughter. You called me to come down.
MAUREEN: Rory, yes, sweetie, thank God you're here. Sherry's gonna be so happy to see you. She's a basketcase. Well, who wouldn't be, right?
RORY: Where's everyone else?
MAUREEN: Oh, they're working.
RORY: What?
MAUREEN: Well, we had all planned on next week, but Sherry screwed up, so what can you do? Thank God you're here. She'll be thrilled. She's feeling a little abandoned. Now, she's right in there. Do not mention how fat she is. For some reason, she's extremely sensitive about that today. Okay, kiss. I'll call you later to find out how everything's going.
RORY: Wait, where are you going?
MAUREEN: I've gotta get back to work. I'm swamped today.
RORY: You're leaving me here alone?
MAUREEN: Believe me, I would love to stay hon impossible. What can I say? Sherry screwed up. Anyhow, you'll be fine. If you need anything, call.
RORY: I don't have your number.
MAUREEN: Sherry's got it. [walks away]
[Rory walks into Sherry's room]
RORY: Sherry? It's Rory.
SHERRY: Rory? Oh my God, I'm so glad you're here.
RORY: How are you?
SHERRY: This wasn't supposed to happen now.
RORY: I know.
SHERRY: Christopher's out of town. I think Maureen called him and left a message but it doesn't matter because he's not here. Where's Maureen?
RORY: Oh, well, she had to go back to work, but she said she'd call later.
SHERRY: She's at work?
RORY: Yes.
SHERRY: I'm lying in a bed. God knows what's gonna happen.
RORY: Well, you're going to have a baby.
SHERRY: And she goes back to work. I would love to go back to work, but I can't because I have to stay here.
RORY: Well, yeah, because you're going to have a baby.
SHERRY: She's not here. None of my friends are here. Christopher isn't here. No one is here. No one but you. Thank God you're here, Rory. I don't think that I could do this by myself because this wasn't supposed to happen until next week. I wrote it down. I wrote it down. I wrote it down!
RORY: Boy, do you look thin.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (PRESENT)
[Emily opens the door for Lorelai]
EMILY: Well, it's a rare treat to have an evening alone with my daughter uncoerced.
LORELAI: Yes, it is, isn't it?
EMILY: So Rory's at the hospital?
LORELAI: Uh, yeah. She's gonna see her new half-sister fresh from the oven.
EMILY: Well, that's about an unpleasant a description as I've ever heard. I thought we'd have martinis.
LORELAI: Very good thought.
EMILY: Olives?
LORELAI: Twist.
EMILY: So how's Rory feeling about Christopher's new baby?
LORELAI: She's very excited. It's kind of cute.
EMILY: You should've gotten her a puppy.
LORELAI: Stop. No maid tonight?
EMILY: Leloni usually takes Sundays off, but she wanted to switch and seeing as it's just you and I, I said yes.
LORELAI: Leloni, huh? Very exotic name.
EMILY: She's from Honolulu.
LORELAI: Cool. Does she know Don Ho?
EMILY: No.
LORELAI: Charo?
EMILY: No.
LORELAI: The C&H Pure Cane Sugar dancers?
EMILY: Lorelai, please, we don't have a buffer here tonight.
LORELAI: So who cooked dinner? Ugh, please don't tell me it's you cause we can always. . .diet.
EMILY: Leloni made a roast before she left and I heated it up.
LORELAI: You did?
EMILY: I even added a little wine to the pan to keep it from drying out.
LORELAI: Well, who died and made you Sara Moulton?
EMILY: Drink this and be quiet.
LORELAI: So, um, how long is Dad gone for this time?
EMILY: Two weeks.
LORELAI: Didn't he just come home last week?
EMILY: Yes, he did.
LORELAI: So business must be pretty good?
EMILY: I suppose. He has to work twice as hard as he ever did, and I'm still not sure that he's actually made a dime yet. However, he does see to be having the time of his life, so what can you do?
LORELAI: Nothing, I guess. Hey Mom, can I ask you something?
EMILY: Of course you can.
LORELAI: What do you do while Dad is gone?
EMILY: Well, I do all sorts of things.
LORELAI: Like what?
EMILY: Well, I keep this house running.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
EMILY: And I have my DAR meetings and there's always a thousand calls to make. I have functions and fundraising events to organize. A million different things.
LORELAI: Okay, but what do you do at night?
EMILY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: I mean, you don't organize functions at night, do you?
EMILY: What are you insinuating?
LORELAI: I'm not insinuating anything, Mom. I'm just trying to find out a little bit about your life.
EMILY: Well, your father calls every night at nine o'clock and we talk.
LORELAI: So, you spend fifteen minutes talking to Dad and then you hang up the phone and you what? Watch television?
EMILY: I don't watch that much television. I don't find forensic work quite as fascinating as the rest of the world.
LORELAI: But you have cable, right? I mean, you could watch movies.
EMILY: Yes, but I never know where the maid puts that guide they send you, so I always wind up turning it on after a movie has already started and I don't like to come in on the middle of things.
LORELAI: But you could tape the movies, or get a DVD player.
EMILY: I don't need a DVD player.
LORELAI: Well, why not? Then you could buy all those musicals you love and watch them whenever you felt like it.
EMILY: I'm not an invalid, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Well, of course you are, Mother. Why else would I suggest a DVD player?
EMILY: I can fill my time all by myself and I'd like you to drop this conversation right now.
LORELAI: Where are you going?
EMILY: We're going to eat. [starts walking toward the kitchen]
LORELAI: [follows her] Just because you leave the room doesn't mean the conversation's over. I started the conversation. The conversation's in me. Therefore, when I get over there, the conversation's just gonna start up again.
FLASHBACK ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily, Richard, and Christopher's parents are talking in the living room]
STRAUB: This is unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.
FRANCINE: I feel sick.
STRAUB: Everything's gone. It's been tossed right out the window. Stop crying.
EMILY: Here Francine, drink your water. We all need to calm down. Getting upset isn't going to get us anywhere.
FRANCINE: What do we tell people?
EMILY: Well, who needs to know?
STRAUB: What do you mean, who needs to know?
EMILY: You don't have to yell at me, Straub.
STRAUB: Everybody has to know, Emily. Everybody will know. We can't pretend this didn't happen.
FRANCINE: You could send her away.
EMILY: Excuse me?
FRANCINE: Aren't there places that take girls like that?
EMILY: Girls like what, Francine?
FRANCINE: Well, girls in. . .I can't handle this, I can't handle this at all.
STRAUB: Stop crying, dammit.
EMILY: Christopher is just as much to blame as Lorelai is.
STRAUB: Like hell he is.
EMILY: They are in this together.
STRAUB: I don't see why. Why should Christopher sacrifice everything we've planned for him just because
EMILY: Choose your words extremely carefully, Straub.
FRANCINE: Emily, you know we love Lorelai, you know that. But Christopher's so young, he's a baby.
EMILY: Well, Lorelai's not exactly collecting social security.
STRAUB: Why doesn't she get rid of it?
EMILY: What?
FRANCINE: Straub.
STRAUB: It's an option.
EMILY: It certainly is not an option.
STRAUB: Why not?
EMILY: Because I say so.
STRAUB: Then what the hell are you suggesting, Emily? What's your great solution to this problem?
RICHARD: They will get married, they will live here, and Christopher will go to work at my company. That is the solution. Now, we have a plan so we can all stop talking about it. Please excuse me, I have work to do.
EMILY: I think Richard's plan sounds very sensible.
STRAUB: I just have one question why his company?
EMILY: What do you mean, his company?
STRAUB: Well, I have a law firm. Christopher could go to school.
[pan to Young Lorelai and Christopher sitting on the staircase]
LORELAI: I know we're all upset here folks, but maybe we should ask the kids what they think. Lorelai, Christopher, anything to add here?
CHRISTOPHER: Quiet, they'll hear you.
LORELAI: Not likely. I don't know how much longer I can just sit here like this.
CHRISTOPHER: It's okay, let them talk.
LORELAI: They're talking about us.
CHRISTOPHER: They're trying to figure out what to do.
LORELAI: What to do with our lives our lives! Yours and mine and. . .its.
CHRISTOPHER: We're gonna need their help.
LORELAI: We can take care of ourselves.
CHRISTOPHER: How?
LORELAI: We'll figure it out.
CHRISTOPHER: It's okay. It sounds okay.
LORELAI: What sounds okay?
CHRISTOPHER: You know, working for your dad, living here. It sounds okay.
LORELAI: Chris, no! What about Europe? What about sleeping on a bench in Paris?
CHRISTOPHER: We can't do that now. I have to get a job.
LORELAI: No!
CHRISTOPHER: I have to make money.
LORELAI: No!
CHRISTOPHER: It's okay, really.
EMILY: [in background] You're not even listening to each other.
STRAUB: [in background] Oh, for God's sake Francine, shut up!
CUT TO HOSPITAL ROOM (PRESENT)
[Rory is sitting next to Sherry's bed talking on a cell phone]
RORY: [on phone] So, we'll see you next Friday at three. And once again, sorry for the short notice. Okay, bye. [hangs up]
SHERRY: Great, who's next?
RORY: Um, Sheldon Harnick.
SHERRY: Try and set him for Wednesday.
RORY: Okay.
SHERRY: Oh, and don't tell him I'm pregnant. He hates pregnancy.
RORY: Oh, how about a plumbing problem?
SHERRY: Sounds good.
[A nurse walks into the room]
NURSE: Okay, so how are we doing?
SHERRY: I'm not sure.
NURSE: Well, don't be nervous. Everything's going to be just fine. I just wanted to check on you and to see who's going to be with you in the delivery room while it's happening.
SHERRY: Oh, my fiancé's on his way. He's on his way, right?
RORY: Yes, he's on his way.
SHERRY: Okay, so when he gets here, he'll come in with me.
NURSE: And if he doesn't get here in time?
SHERRY: Then we'll just have to wait.
NURSE: I'm afraid that's gonna be a little tough to arrange. Once it starts, that's it.
SHERRY: Okay, well, then I guess it's Rory. Right?
RORY: Oh. Absolutely.
NURSE: Okay, then I'm gonna get you a gown and some gloves so you'll be all set in case you have to go in.
RORY: That sounds great.
NURSE: I'll be right back. [leaves]
SHERRY: Okay, where were we?
RORY: Um, listen, Sherry, I really need a cup of coffee. Would you mind if I ran out really quick?
SHERRY: Oh, no, go ahead. I'll make the next few calls myself.
RORY: Okay.
[Rory walks into the hallway and calls Lorelai on her cell phone]
LORELAI: Hello?
RORY: Mom, they're giving me gloves!
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
RORY: I don't want gloves, I don't want a gown, I don't wanna be in there.
LORELAI: In where?
RORY: In the delivery room with Sherry.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Dad's not here yet and she's freaking out and she told the nurse I'm going in and
LORELAI: Where are her other friends?
RORY: They had to work. I'm here all by myself and I'm trying very hard to be calm but I'm starting to feel nauseous, and the hospital has a smell, and there are noises, and those gowns do not stay closed and I've seen a lot of butts today! And -
LORELAI: Okay, sweetie, calm down.
RORY: I need you.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: I need you, I need you here, I need you now. I cannot do this alone. I need my Mommy, and dammit, I don't care who knows it!
LORELAI: What hospital is it?
RORY: Boston Memorial.
LORELAI: I'll be right there.
RORY: I really, really like you.
LORELAI: Tell Sherry to keep her legs crossed til I get there.
RORY: Does that work?
LORELAI: No. Bye. [hangs up] Mom, I gotta go, I'm sorry. Dinner was great.
EMILY: Where are you going?
LORELAI: Sherry's freaking out and Rory's the only one with her, so I'm going to the hospital.
EMILY: You're going to be with Rory's father's girlfriend while she has his baby?
LORELAI: Gee, Mom, I can't at all tell what your opinion on that might be.
EMILY: Why would you do this? This woman pulled Christopher away from you, away from Rory. She destroyed any chance you might have had
LORELAI: Rory asked me to come, that's why I'm going.
EMILY: I don't understand what Rory's doing there either.
LORELAI: She's going to have a sister.
EMILY: Half-sister.
LORELAI: Thank you for a lovely dinner. I'll see you next week.
FLASHBACK LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Young Lorelai is watching television and eating a sandwich when she feels a pain in her stomach.]
LORELAI: Ow!
[cut to hospital Young Lorelai is sitting in the waiting area filling out a form]
NURSE: Are you done?
LORELAI: Yes.
NURSE: Okay. Is anyone with you, hon?
LORELAI: No.
NURSE: Well, someone will be up to get you in just a second.
LORELAI: Thanks.
CUT TO HOSPITAL (PRESENT)
[Lorelai steps off the elevator and walks up to the nurse's station]
LORELAI: Um, excuse me, Sherry Tinsdale's room please?
NURSE: Right through there.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[Rory walks down the hall]
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
LORELAI: You're welcome, and I will be holding this over you for the next ten years. What are you doing?
RORY: Xeroxing.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Sherry had some status reports she promised to fax to people by tomorrow but she didn't bring enough, and so I've been trying to find a Xerox machine. I finally conned someone in ICU into letting me use theirs. I haven't found a fax machine yet, but
LORELAI: Okay, come on.
RORY: I have to fax these.
LORELAI: Uh huh, let's go.
RORY: But we have a deadline.
LORELAI: Mmhmm.
[they walk into Sherry's room]
SHERRY: [on phone] Yes, I'm having them faxed over right now. Yes, that's right. Well, I'm not sure if the numbers I have are the numbers that you have. That's right, that's bad. Uh huh. Well, I think you should, too. [to Rory] Did you get those things faxed?
LORELAI: Sherry, hang up.
SHERRY: No, I have to finish this call.
LORELAI: Just say goodbye.
SHERRY: But
LORELAI: You'll call them back.
SHERRY: I
[Lorelai takes the phone from her]
LORELAI: Hi. Uh, Sherry's gonna have to call you back. Yeah, I promise. Okay, goodbye. [hangs up]
SHERRY: No, that was work.
LORELAI: Sherry, you really shouldn't be working right now.
SHERRY: I can't just stop everything because I'm. . .
LORELAI: Having a baby. Admitting it is the first step, honey.
SHERRY: I'm not ready. I had it planned. Christopher was supposed to be here.
LORELAI: I know.
SHERRY: I don't know what to do.
LORELAI: Well, the first thing you have to do is calm down and stop working.
SHERRY: Okay.
LORELAI: And the second thing is, you need to tell me why you're sitting like that.
SHERRY: Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster.
LORELAI: Okay, as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.
SHERRY: I'm scared.
LORELAI: I know. It's scary, and it hurts like hell. And remember, when it comes out not to look at it too hard until they give it a good cleaning, or you'll think you gave birth to phlegm. But, um, once they give it a good scrub, it's just unbelievably cool.
SHERRY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Well, and look how good they grow up. Not bad, huh?
SHERRY: I hope I get that lucky.
LORELAI: I've got a good feeling.
SHERRY: Thank you. Lorelai?
LORELAI: Yeah?
SHERRY: My ankles are starting to hurt.
LORELAI: Okay, grab an arm.
SHERRY: I'm glad you're here.
LORELAI: Well, at this moment, you probably should be.
CUT TO HOSPITAL HALLWAY
[Rory gets some coffee from the machine as Lorelai walks over to her]
LORELAI: She's jogging in place.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: I think she's hoping to aerobicize the thing right out of there.
RORY: Well, should we stop her?
LORELAI: I tried. She almost took an eye out.
RORY: Well, that can't be good for the baby.
LORELAI: Well, it's probably no worse than the guilt trip it's gonna get for showing up a week early.
RORY: You do know it's a girl.
LORELAI: Yes, I should probably stop calling it "it". Her "it".
RORY: I was just bringing you some coffee.
LORELAI: Thanks. Did you try calling your dad again?
RORY: His cell's not in service or out of range or something.
LORELAI: You do know if he doesn't get here, I have to go in with her.
RORY: Yes, I do.
LORELAI: Well, I don't want to go in with her.
RORY: At least you know what's gonna happen.
LORELAI: I had the cheap seat before. My view was quite a bit different.
RORY: Hey, should we buy a camera or something?
LORELAI: For what?
RORY: If Dad doesn't get here, shouldn't we maybe
LORELAI: No.
RORY: But
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: I just thought it would be nice.
CHRISTOPHER: Lor, Rory!
LORELAI: Oh, thank God you're here, Chris.
CHRISTOPHER: Has it happened? Did I miss it?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: You have perfect timing.
CHRISTOPHER: I must've broken fifteen different laws getting here. I don't even remember where I left my car. I thought I wasn't gonna make it.
LORELAI: Well, take a breath, you did make it, and Sherry's gonna be thrilled.
CHRISTOPHER: Where is she?
LORELAI: Come on.
CHRISTOPHER: Is this. . .
LORELAI: Yeah.
[they walk into Sherry's room, where she's being transferred to a gurney]
CHRISTOPHER: Sherry!
SHERRY: Christopher, you're here! I can't believe you're here. I didn't think you'd make it.
CHRISTOPHER: Are you kidding? You think I'd miss this.
SHERRY: No, I'm sorry. It's just, I'm just in a lot of pain and I can't think straight.
NURSE: I take it this is your fiancé.
SHERRY: Yeah, this is him. This is my Christopher.
NURSE: Well, Christopher, are you coming in with us?
CHRISTOPHER: Try and stop me.
NURSE: Okay, let's go then.
[they start wheeling her out of the room]
RORY: We'll be right here, waiting.
LORELAI: Have fun.
RORY: Have fun?
LORELAI: Well. . .
FLASHBACK HOSPITAL
[A nurse is wheeling Young Lorelai down the hall on a gurney]
LORELAI: Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.
NURSE: Just breathe deep, honey.
LORELAI: Breathing doesn't help, can I h*t you instead?
NURSE: What?
LORELAI: Or pinch you really hard, cause that might make me feel better.
NURSE: No, you cannot h*t me.
LORELAI: Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you cause I really need to do something.
EMILY: Lorelai Gilmore!
LORELAI: Wheel this a little faster, please.
EMILY: Lorelai, you do not do this. You do not just leave a person a note.
LORELAI: Okay, see the timing here?
EMILY: "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm in labor. See you later, Lorelai."
LORELAI: Ow.
RICHARD: Emily, please, I feel ridiculous.
EMILY: You're having a baby do you know that, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Well, that explains the stomachache.
EMILY: You do not leave your house when you are having a baby without telling your mother. You say, "Excuse me, Mom. I'm having a baby, give me a ride to the damn hospital!"
RICHARD: Emily, please, I wore the wrong shoes for this.
EMILY: Of all the things in the world I had a right to do, driving my daughter to the hospital to give birth, especially since she's sixteen years old and doesn't have her driver's license yet, is definitely one of them.
NURSE: Ma'am, I need to wait out here, please.
EMILY: Why?
NURSE: Because we're going into the delivery room.
EMILY: I want to go in.
LORELAI: No, Mom, please.
RICHARD: Yes, Emily, please.
EMILY: Fine, we'll be right here when you're done.
LORELAI: Super.
EMILY: And do not think we're finished discussing this, young lady, because we are not!
RICHARD: Emily, let's just sit here.
CUT TO HOSPITAL (PRESENT)
RORY: I'm glad he got here.
LORELAI: Yeah. Me, too.
RORY: So I guess now we wait?
LORELAI: Yup, now we wait.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
JESS: Kirk, how long are you gonna sit here?
KIRK: What do you mean?
JESS: It's been four hours. Go home.
KIRK: It's boring at home. My TV's broken.
JESS: So do something else.
KIRK: Like what?
JESS: Read a book.
KIRK: What book?
JESS: Any book.
KIRK: I'm gonna need a suggestion.
JESS: Moby Dick.
KIRK: That's about the whale?
JESS: Yes.
KIRK: No. What else?
JESS: Forget it, just sit there.
KIRK: Okay.
[Luke and Nicole walk in]
LUKE: So he just drove all the way to New York, picked up the cheese, drove back. Nobody talked about it ever again.
NICOLE: Oh, God, I love cheese.
LUKE: Well, you would've gotten along very well with my father. So, you want some coffee?
NICOLE: I would love some coffee.
LUKE: Have a seat. Jess, coffee over here.
NICOLE: So, I have to say, I really hated that restaurant.
LUKE: Good, I like that we're on the same page here.
NICOLE: I did, however, have a really good time.
LUKE: Once again, I like that we're on the same page here.
JESS: Okay, coffee.
NICOLE: Thank you.
JESS: Did you have a good time?
NICOLE: Yeah, we had a really good time.
JESS: Okay, well, I'm going to go out for about an hour.
LUKE: What are you talking about? It's 11:30.
JESS: I know. I'm just gonna go out for about an hour.
LUKE: Where?
JESS: Out.
LUKE: Out where?
JESS: Out for about an hour.
LUKE: What are you talking about?
JESS: I'm talking about going out for about an hour. What you need more time?
LUKE: Nicole, will you excuse me for a minute?
NICOLE: Sure.
LUKE: Okay.
[Luke and Jess walk outside; they argue in front of the window]
KIRK: They have amazing communication.
[Luke and Jess walk back inside]
JESS: I guess I'm not going out for about an hour.
LUKE: Say goodnight, Jess.
JESS: I don't understand you, man.
LUKE: My mystique is part of my charm.
JESS: You at least want me to take a walk around the block?
LUKE: Jess.
JESS: Take an extra long shower?
LUKE: Go upstairs.
JESS: Sorry, I tried.
CUT TO HOSPITAL
[Lorelai is reading in the waiting room, Rory is asleep next to her. Christopher walks over to them]
CHRISTOPHER: Lor?
LORELAI: Are you a daddy?
CHRISTOPHER: Come on, come look. We'll wake Rory later.
LORELAI: Okay.
[they walk down the hall]
LORELAI: So how was it?
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, man, Lor, in my wildest dreams, I never could've imagined. I've never been that nervous or terrified or nauseous in my entire life. It was like the most amazing thing ever in the world. It was like. . .well, you know.
LORELAI: Yes, I do know.
CHRISTOPHER: I've never seen anything like it.
LORELAI: Yeah.
CHRISTOPHER: And Sherry was great. I'm flying, I mean it, I'm flying.
[they stand in front of the nursery window]
CHRISTOPHER: There.
LORELAI: Wow.
CHRISTOPHER: That's my daughter.
LORELAI: I can tell.
CHRISTOPHER: How?
LORELAI: I think she conned that one out of his blanket.
CHRISTOPHER: She's perfect.
LORELAI: Rory was perfect. She, however, is a good solid second.
CHRISTOPHER: I just can't believe it.
LORELAI: She's beautiful, really. Congratulations Christopher.
CHRISTOPHER: Thank you. Thank you for everything.
LORELAI: Of course.
FLASHBACK HOSPITAL
[Young Lorelai and Christopher are looking through the nursery window at baby Rory]
CHRISTOPHER: She's pretty.
LORELAI: She's perfect.
CHRISTOPHER: So, I guess we should get married.
CUT TO HOSPITAL (PRESENT)
[Lorelai and Christopher are still looking at the baby through the window]
CHRISTOPHER: I should wake Rory, don't you think?
LORELAI: Yeah, she'd like to see this.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (PRESENT)
[Emily is going through the mail when the doorbell rings]
EMILY: I'll get it, Leloni. You find out where that smell is coming from. [answers door] Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
EMILY: What on Earth are you doing here? What is this?
LORELAI: This is your new DVD player.
EMILY: My what?
LORELAI: Plus, I picked up Singin' in the Rain, Funny Girl, Easter Parade, An American in Paris, and as an added bonus, the new classic dance series Urban Cowboy, Saturday Night Fever, Grease, Footloose, and Flashdance. Trust me, you're gonna be cutting up your sweatshirts all weekend.
EMILY: Why did you do this?
LORELAI: Cause I thought you'd enjoy it.
EMILY: But I don't know anything about a DVD player.
LORELAI: Mom, trust me, once it's hooked up, all you'll have to know is how to press play.
EMILY: But who's gonna hook it up?
LORELAI: I am.
EMILY: You know how to hook this up?
LORELAI: I know how to read an instruction manual.
EMILY: Since when?
LORELAI: Hm, please.
EMILY: Maybe we should get a professional.
LORELAI: I can do this. Just give me five seconds here.
EMILY: Well? Well, can you do it? Oh, just forget it.
LORELAI: Mom, please, just let me focus on this for one more second, and if I cannot do it, I'll get a professional DVD guy in here to install it, okay?
EMILY: I still don't understand why you got me this. [looks at the DVDs] I love this movie.
FLASHBACK ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily and Richard walk down the stairs]
EMILY: Lorelai, we're leaving! Well, what do you know? She finally put Rory's stroller away. It's the first time in a year I haven't tripped over that thing.
RICHARD: Where's my scarf?
EMILY: I told Tina to put everything out for you, Richard.
RICHARD: Out where?
EMILY: Look on the table.
RICHARD: You have to be more specific with her, Emily.
EMILY: Fine, Richard.
RICHARD: There should be a designated place to put things.
EMILY: Whatever you say, Richard. Lorelai, we are leaving! Please acknowledge that! Where is that girl?
RICHARD: This is not the scarf I asked for.
EMILY: Well, it looks fine. Can you just wear it?
RICHARD: No, I'm gonna go back upstairs and get the scarf I intended to wear in the first place. Well, I'm surprised at you Emily. These are your friends we're seeing tonight. You would have thought that my appearance would be a priority for you. I didn't want to go to this thing in the first place. I have an early meeting in the morning, and I would much rather go to bed and ignore the fact that the symphony has to reupholster its mezzanine this year.
[Emily reads a note on the table and starts to cry]
RICHARD: Emily? Emily?
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (PRESENT)
[Emily waits while Lorelai reads through the DVD player's instruction manual]
LORELAI: Okay.
EMILY: Well, can you do it?
LORELAI: I have no idea.
EMILY: Where are you going? Are you going to take it back?
LORELAI: I'm going upstairs.
EMILY: Why?
LORELAI: I think I should put this in your bedroom. That's your best TV.
EMILY: You just said you didn't know how to hook that up.
LORELAI: I'll figure it out.
EMILY: But there are wires involved and connections and electricity. You could hurt yourself or set the house on f*re.
LORELAI: [sings] In your Easter bonnet. . .
EMILY: You could ruin our television set.
LORELAI: . . .with all the frills upon it, you'll be the grandest fella in the Easter parade. Hoo! I'll be all in clover. . .
EMILY: I don't like being ignored, Lorelai.
LORELAI: . . .and when they look us over, we'll be the proudest people in the Easter parade.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x13 - Dear Emily And Richard"} | foreverdreaming |
3.14 - Swan Song
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Chris Long
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, and Emily are eating dinner]
EMILY: And then she just brushed me off with a wave of her regal hand. Not even a word, just a. . .like I'm her cabana boy. Next thing you know, instead of just walking out of the room, she'll make me bow and back out. Imperious attitude, she never gives it a rest. I schlepped her to the doctor the other day by command, not request and the elevator operator there greeted us nice and friendly. Her doctor's on the second floor and by the time we got there, that operator was in tears.
LORELAI: Whew.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Well, Mom, you just did twenty straight minutes on Gran.
EMILY: It wasn't twenty minutes.
RORY: It was getting there.
LORELAI: How about a moratorium on the Gran stories for a bit?
EMILY: Fine. I'd rather not spoil the meal with talk of her.
LORELAI: Good.
EMILY: I should just wash my hands.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: We'll wait.
EMILY: I mean of her.
LORELAI: Oh, good, wash those hands.
EMILY: She sucks her olive pits.
LORELAI: Short moratorium.
EMILY: Trying to extract every last ounce of flavor out of them like she does people.
LORELAI: She sucks flavor out of people?
RORY: Can we change the subject?
EMILY: Life, not flavor.
LORELAI: Hey, you know what Gran needs?
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: A fella.
RORY: With or without an umbrella.
EMILY: He'd have to look like an olive pit to get her attention.
LORELAI: It's like a Dean Martin Roast.
RORY: Those are never funny to me.
LORELAI: Yeah, they're mean.
RORY: Except for Don Rickles.
LORELAI: Totally except for Rickles.
EMILY: I think she did have a man for a time squiring her around to her biddy affairs. Richard thought so, too, and it horrified him.
LORELAI: Didn't want a new Daddy, huh?
EMILY: And then he seemed suddenly out of the picture.
RORY: So Great Grandma never talked about him?
EMILY: Never. Even though I could tell practically the day she stopped seeing him. Those kinds of things are always obvious.
RORY: Yeah, I guess.
EMILY: When a couple is in a relationship and then suddenly isn't.
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: Right.
RORY: Is she still looking?
LORELAI: Yup.
RORY: Right. Um, you know, Grandma, did I mention that unfortunately I'm not with Dean anymore?
EMILY: No, you didn't.
RORY: Well, I'm not.
EMILY: Well, yes, I've known for weeks actually. But it's good that you confirmed it.
RORY: How did you know?
EMILY: Well, you very abruptly stopped mentioning him eleven dinners ago, so I figured that was the case.
LORELAI: Eleven dinners, you kept count?
EMILY: Eleven.
LORELAI: Eleven.
RORY: Well, I'm sorry I didn't tell you Grandma.
EMILY: Well, I think you should have. I mean, what if I had invited Dean to an event and you were no longer with him, and that's how I found out? It would've been embarrassing.
LORELAI: What sort of event would you have invited Dean to?
EMILY: I don't know, a wedding.
LORELAI: For who?
EMILY: A mutual friend or something.
LORELAI: You and Dean have mutual friends in common that Rory and I don't? Who would that be, the Talbotts or that senior partner at Deloite and Touche?
EMILY: You know what I meant. It's always best to tell each other major life events so that there's no awkwardness.
RORY: Well, then, Grandma, I probably also failed to mention that I'm seeing someone else.
EMILY: Who?
RORY: Jess.
EMILY: Jess?
LORELAI: Luke's nephew. Luke from the diner.
EMILY: Oh, I see. Well, am I going to get to meet him soon?
RORY: Oh, I don't know.
LORELAI: Yeah, Mom, that might be hard to arrange.
EMILY: Well, how hard can it be? Just bring him over for dinner sometime. How about next Friday?
RORY: Oh, I don't know.
LORELAI: Uh, yeah, Mom, that might be hard to arrange.
EMILY: It's perfect timing. Richard will still be out of town and it would be nice to round off the group with a fourth.
LORELAI: He works Fridays, doesn't he?
RORY: Yeah, that's his usual night. Friday night. It's a bad night.
EMILY: Oh, okay. Well, I suppose I'll eventually meet him someday at some function.
LORELAI: Perhaps a wedding.
EMILY: Or Rory's graduation. That's good. That way we'll all get to meet him at once. Myself, Richard, Gran. Maybe I'll bring a couple of girls from the DAR. Reverend Mahoney might like to come also.
RORY: You know what, Grandma, now that I think about it, I think Jess does have next Friday night off.
EMILY: Really?
RORY: Let's make it a foursome.
EMILY: That'll be nice.
RORY: Yeah, it will be nice, right Grandma?
EMILY: Very nice. We'll have lamb.
RORY: So, it will be nice for everybody? Everybody will be nice to everybody? The key word being nice.
EMILY: Yes, very nice.
RORY: Really, really nice?
EMILY: Of course it'll be nice. That's what I just said.
RORY: Good. Nice would be nice.
EMILY: And a nice night it'll be.
LORELAI: Well, not so nice for the lamb.
[opening credits]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the kitchen table]
LORELAI: Okay, Saturday morning I've got hair appointment, nails, and Jim.
RORY: You don't go to the gym.
LORELAI: No, Jim is coming here to fix the garbage disposal.
RORY: Jim Dunning, got it.
LORELAI: I also have resha plebisham.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I don't know, I can't read it.
RORY: Shouldn't you change your system, go electronic or something? You're a busy woman.
LORELAI: Uh, hey, my system works.
RORY: Yeah, tell that to the guy who calls tomorrow because you missed your resha plebisham appointment.
LORELAI: I hate that we have to coordinate schedules. You're my daughter.
RORY: But if we don't, we may never see each other.
LORELAI: We didn't use to have to do this.
RORY: Well, we're busier now.
LORELAI: Let's just run away together and leave all this behind.
RORY: You mean our house?
LORELAI: No, we'll take the house, we'll leave everything else.
RORY: Put it on your list.
LORELAI: So what's your day like tomorrow?
RORY: Hanging out with Jess for most of the day, studying at night.
LORELAI: Cool. Alex and I are having dinner tomorrow night.
RORY: Good. That'll make it nice and quiet for when I study.
LORELAI: I'm that loud?
RORY: You are when you dance around singing Rory's Studying' songs.
LORELAI: Oh, what's this I have down for Sunday slatha bang tr*ffick?
RORY: Lane's band practicing.
LORELAI: And underneath it net fracks?
RORY: Get snacks.
LORELAI: Right for the band. See, see, it works. So, uh, you're actually bringing Jess to dinner on Friday?
RORY: It's as good a time as any. There'll only be one grandparent to contend with.
LORELAI: Man, that was some stealthy little maneuver she pulled there, huh? Applying the guilt over not knowing about the Dean breakup and making you all weak, and then using that to get Jess to come to dinner on Friday. She's like Lyndon Johnson with the Senate, effortless.
RORY: So, Sunday's for us, right?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have you down right here Cokie.
RORY: Good. Hey, it's still early. Do you wanna watch more of the extra supplementary stuff on the Lord of the Rings DVD?
LORELAI: Well, it's just the drawings and that fat guy talking.
RORY: Well, let's watch Footloose again.
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: Hey, you dropped some of your notes.
LORELAI: Oh, who cares? You can't read them anyway.
CUT TO TOWN SQUARE
[Rory and Jess are sitting on a bench looking at a book]
RORY: Do you love it?
JESS: It's great.
RORY: The Holy Barbarians. I mean, what a title. And it's by a Venice Beach beatnik about Venice Beach beatniks, and to top it off, the beatnik who wrote it is the father of the guy that does those Actor's Studio interviews on TV.
JESS: The guy with the beard?
RORY: Yeah, the pointy beard. That's his dad writing at his desk.
JESS: Oh, it's weird that a weird beatnik-y guy would have a conservative son like that.
RORY: Maybe he's not that conservative. Maybe at night, he, like, takes off his clothes and parties.
JESS: Aw, man, now get that picture out of my head.
RORY: It's a cool book, you've gotta admit.
JESS: It is. Thanks.
RORY: Oh, I'm not lending it. I'm not done.
JESS: Well, why'd you show it to me?
RORY: I like showing you the stuff I'm reading.
JESS: But you knew I'd wanna read it. You're a book tease.
RORY: You'll get it when I'm done.
JESS: Cruel woman.
RORY: So, are you going to work now?
JESS: Back to the salt mines.
RORY: So, you're not tied to the hours you have, right? You can trade if you want to.
JESS: There's some flexibility.
RORY: You got any flexibility next Friday night?
JESS: Yeah, why?
RORY: I thought maybe you could come to dinner with us.
JESS: Us?
RORY: To my Grandma's.
JESS: To meet your grandmother.
RORY: Yeah, she'll be there, so yeah, it might be rude not to introduce the two of you.
JESS: I can't, I gotta work.
RORY: You just said you could get out.
JESS: I didn't know what for.
RORY: Jess.
JESS: No.
RORY: But I already kind of agreed.
JESS: Aw, man.
RORY: So I'm kinda jammed here.
JESS: Does she know what I look like?
RORY: I don't think so.
JESS: Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don't kiss him goodnight.
RORY: That's not going to work.
JESS: Andy Warhol did it all the time. [Rory gives him the book] We're just five bucks away from a deal.
RORY: [kisses him] That's worth five at least.
JESS: You Gilmores think a lot of yourselves. Okay.
RORY: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
JESS: Manipulator.
[They both walk away in opposite directions. Rory walks past the dance studio as Miss Patty walks out]
MISS PATTY: Rory, get in here.
RORY: What?
MISS PATTY: Get in here now. No questions.
RORY: Okay.
[they walk into the dance studio. Rory sits down next to Dean.]
MISS PATTY: Okay, now, for those who just arrived, I'm trying out some material for my one-woman show and I need some feedback. You are my randomly picked audience.
DEAN: Randomly shang-hai'ed.
MISS PATTY: It's part stories, part songs. Kind of like what Elaine Stritch did on Broadway, but without the bitterness. My working title "Buckle Up, I'm Patty."
RORY: How long have you been here?
DEAN: An hour.
RORY: Poor thing.
DEAN: It's been mostly her and Kirk arguing about stuff. Apparently, he's the director.
KIRK: Patty, let's try one of your reminisces.
MISS PATTY: That's what I'm looking for, Kirk.
DEAN: Sorry I didn't save you. I didn't see you until it was too late.
RORY: I don't think anybody could've saved me.
MISS PATTY: Okay, here we go. Hey, did you know that I once met the great Bette Davis? I was a chorus girl in a bus-and-truck tour of "Guys and Dolls." Beantown, I love that town. And there I was, me and the girls backstage after the show, and in she comes. And who does she walk right up to, but little old me. And she sized me up, exhaled some smoke from that regal mouth of hers, and said, "Doll, you don't got the high notes but you sure got the gams." I'll always treasure that moment with Bette and I wanna dedicate this song to her. Uh, Ethel, key a D.
KIRK: We're gonna have to rewrite that.
MISS PATTY: What?
KIRK: It got no response. It needs a rewrite.
MISS PATTY: Kirk, it's my reminiscence. I can't rewrite it.
KIRK: How about if she says, "Doll, you've got the gams, but I've got a body in the trunk of my car."
MISS PATTY: Why would she say that?
KIRK: Because she's a m*rder. I think it works.
MISS PATTY: I'm not rewriting my memories, Kirk.
KIRK: It died. Build a coffin for it, put some pennies on its eyes cause that stiff ain't breathing.
MISS PATTY: Well, I think that we should discuss this later, now go back to your light booth.
KIRK: Fine, start the song.
MISS PATTY: [sings] It's a quarter of three, there is no one in the place, except you and me. [strobe light starts flashing] Kirk, would you fix this?
KIRK: Fix what?
MISS PATTY: This flashing.
KIRK: That's my choice for the song.
MISS PATTY: It's disco.
KIRK: I'm trying to subvert expectations.
MISS PATTY: Well, don't. Just give me a simple spot.
KIRK: Something more obvious, got it.
RORY: This is a h*t.
DEAN: It'll run for years.
KIRK: Something on the nose and expected, got it.
MISS PATTY: Kirk!
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Later that night, Rory and Dean walk out of the dance studio]
RORY: It was nice of you to step in like that.
DEAN: Well, she could've hurt herself trying to throw the podium at him like that.
RORY: I think "work in progress" is the key phrase.
DEAN: I like that she tries.
RORY: The woman taught me everything I've already forgotten about dancing, baton twirling and gymnastics.
DEAN: Well, I'm this way.
RORY: I'm this way.
DEAN: See you later.
RORY: See ya.
DEAN: You know, I kind of liked the body in the trunk thing.
RORY: Me, too. Peppier.
DEAN: Night.
RORY: Night.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is studying on the couch when she hears a noise outside. She walks to the door and opens it. Lorelai and Alex are kissing on the front porch]
RORY: Oh, sorry.
LORELAI: It's okay.
ALEX: It's okay.
RORY: I can just shut the door so you can carry on.
ALEX: No, we've carried on enough.
LORELAI: Yeah, I think we've carried on pretty good out here. I'll call you about the weekend.
ALEX: Okay.
LORELAI: Bye.
ALEX: Bye. Bye Rory.
RORY: Goodnight.
[Alex leaves. Lorelai walks into the house]
RORY: We need a signal.
LORELAI: A kissing signal?
RORY: Something to avoid this.
LORELAI: Okay, um, how bout I sh**t off a flare when I'm outside necking with a boy?
RORY: You know what I mean.
LORELAI: Or I could bang on the door and yell, "Hey, we're necking out here!"
RORY: I still say we need a signal.
LORELAI: We'll think of something. Hey, listen. Alex and I were talking about going to New York next weekend.
RORY: Fun.
LORELAI: Yeah. He's got four tickets to a show and he's heard me talk about Sookie and Jackson so much that he wants to invite them, too.
RORY: It's not "Buckle Up, I'm Patty," is it?
LORELAI: Huh?
RORY: Nothing.
LORELAI: We'd have to leave Friday day.
RORY: So?
LORELAI: Meaning it's just you and Jess alone at dinner with the glorious Emily.
RORY: Oh, that's totally fine.
LORELAI: Are you sure?
RORY: Yeah, it might even make things easier.
LORELAI: What does that mean?
RORY: Nothing. Just, it might make it less pressure-packed.
LORELAI: So I'm loud when you study and make social gatherings worse?
RORY: Out of the goodness of your heart, you would be trying to shield me all night, and that might makes things worse. Out of love. And I love you, I hope you know that.
[phone rings]
LORELAI: Okay, I think I get it. I have the best intentions.
RORY: Bingo. [answers phone] Hello?
JESS: Hey.
RORY: Hey. How was work?
JESS: I toted the barge, lifted the bale.
RORY: Well, you're a great barge toter, I can attest to that.
JESS: How was your day?
RORY: Fine. A lot of studying.
JESS: Oh yeah? Is that all you did?
RORY: Yeah, basically.
JESS: Basically?
RORY: Jess, what?
JESS: I heard that you were basically hanging out with Dean today.
RORY: Where did you hear that?
JESS: It's all over town.
RORY: Well, I was with him for awhile. What do you mean, it's all over town?
JESS: You haven't seen the fliers?
RORY: I've been home all night. What fliers?
JESS: It says, "People are already raving about Miss Patty's one woman show."
RORY: And?
JESS: There's some blurbs. One says, "Rory and Dean couldn't stop talking about it."
RORY: We're on a flier?
JESS: You and a bunch of others. "The mailman says, even without proper postage, this show delivers."
RORY: Well, now she's making that up cause Ralph's not that witty.
JESS: Were you hanging out there with Dean?
RORY: I was not hanging out with Dean. We were both hauled in there to watch her try out material and we were sitting in the same area so we talked a little, and then we left at the same time. That was it. It was all by accident.
JESS: Yeah?
RORY: This is an old subject, Jess. You know that Dean and I are friendly.
JESS: I know you're friendly. That doesn't mean I don't wanna punch him.
RORY: This was not a plan. I was kidnapped by Miss Patty, so was he, that's it.
JESS: Then you two should press charges.
RORY: I think we should.
JESS: Just
RORY: What?
JESS: Just tell me these things first so I don't have to read about them on telephone poles.
RORY: I will, I promise.
JESS: Okay.
RORY: Okay.
JESS: So, how was the show?
RORY: It's gonna need a lot of postage.
JESS: Why does it say, "Not in any way affiliated with Kirk" down at the bottom?
RORY: Oh, they had a showbiz spat.
JESS: Fill me in.
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Lorelai gets out snacks for the band, who are sitting at the table]
LORELAI: Help yourselves to drinks in the fridge, guys. We've got chips, pretzels, and Brian, I remembered your allergies and got you the melba toast.
BRIAN: That's nice, thanks.
DAVE: We got a lot done today.
LANE: We've almost got a full set.
ZACH: But you know what we're missing? A straight-ahead love song.
BRIAN: Yeah, all our songs are pretty much about property destruction and a general dislike of right-wing causes.
LORELAI: Not one love song, huh?
DAVE: I think we can add one or two, that are good ones.
LORELAI: Boy, you'd think love songs are all you and Lane would wanna play.
ZACH: Man, this crunch just now sounded like the drum-fill in Baba O'Reilly.
LANE: Cool, way to go Zach.
DAVE: Yeah, Zach, a musical mouth. That's awesome.
ZACH: But why would Dave and Lane wanna play just love songs?
LORELAI: Because, I was just thinking, you know, with Dave's name Dave you've got the last two letters in love. V, E. And with Lane's name, you have the L. You can just dump the A and add an O and there you go.
ZACH: Makes sense.
BRIAN: Totally. We should probably start breaking stuff down. I gotta get home for dinner.
ZACH: One day soon, you're not gonna go home from dinner.
BRIAN: What, I'll be d*ad?
ZACH: No, we'll be on tour.
BRIAN: Right, right.
ZACH: That was a negative "right, right," man.
[Zach and Brian go outside]
LORELAI: Guys, I'm so sorry. It just slipped out.
LANE: That's okay.
DAVE: Luckily Zach and Brian are. . .well, Zach and Brian.
LORELAI: How long are you gonna keep it a secret?
LANE: For awhile, at least. It's easier.
LORELAI: Are you sure it would be so bad if they knew? I mean, keeping this a secret seems awfully complicated.
LANE: Not really, we've got a system.
DAVE: Um, speaking of which, it's 3:18. We'll have the stuff packed by 3:40, what's the situation?
LANE: At 3:40, my mom will be on her way to the yarn store for her bimonthly sew-a-thon with Lacey Schwartz and Bick Ho.
DAVE: The yarn store's on Peach.
LANE: Plum.
DAVE: That cuts us off from our usually route to the interstate.
LANE: There's a back road that circles around it, but it's gonna be muddy from the rains.
DAVE: How about I have the guys take the usual route, I'll go by foot on Peach, down the alley behind Al's, over the fence, and they can pick me up a half a mile down by the Shell station.
LANE: Perfect. Uh, what, that's not complicated.
LORELAI: Sorry I doubted you.
LANE: Well, okay, then.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hey. Coffee?
LORELAI: Please, and hurry. I am going to Manhattan this weekend and I need to shop for some warm clothes.
LUKE: You already have warm clothes.
LORELAI: I have nothing.
LUKE: We're in Connecticut. It gets freezing here same as in New York.
LORELAI: No, it's not the same.
LUKE: Exactly the same.
LORELAI: Well, I have nothing stylish enough.
LUKE: That's not true, you got the black cashmere coat.
LORELAI: But it needs cleaning.
LUKE: So clean it.
LORELAI: But I need some sweaters, too.
LUKE: You've got the purple, you've got the powder blue, you've got three shades of red, you've got a ton of black, all of which will go with that coat. Plus, you've got a dozen scarves to mix and match with any of those tops.
LORELAI: Let me shop for some clothes.
LUKE: Okay. So what are you doing in New York?
LORELAI: Oh, a bunch of us are going. It'll be dinner and a show.
LUKE: Oh, what show?
LORELAI: Levittown, it's a new musical.
LUKE: Right, yeah. It's in previews, doesn't officially open for a couple weeks.
LORELAI: Wow, so informed.
LUKE: Nicole likes the theater. Her firm has an office on Madison. I've met her there a couple times. Saw Hairspray last week.
LORELAI: I cannot picture you watching Hairspray.
LUKE: It was okay. I liked The Producers better.
LORELAI: Well, aren't we just a Broadway baby.
LUKE: Gonna have any time to k*ll there?
LORELAI: Some.
LUKE: Got a great book, it has walking tours of old historic Manhattan. You know, before Disney got a hold of it. The Soho one's pretty good.
LORELAI: Oh, I love stuff like that.
LUKE: It's upstairs on my dresser if you wanna run up and grab it.
LORELAI: Cool, thanks.
[Cut to upstairs. Lorelai walks into Luke's apartment and finds Rory and Jess kissing on the couch]
LORELAI: Oh, oh!
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Surprise.
RORY: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: I came up for a book.
JESS: A book?
LORELAI: Yeah.
JESS: Got a lot of books here. Anything in particular?
LORELAI: It's one of Luke's.
JESS: Well, if it doesn't have Encyclopedia Brown in the title, that narrows it down a lot.
LORELAI: Walking tours, New York.
JESS: On the table. [hands her the book]
LORELAI: Good, here it is, okay, so, thanks. Sorry about this.
RORY: It's okay.
LORELAI: We should probably come up with a system or something.
RORY: Probably.
LORELAI: Déjà vu, huh?
RORY: Déjà vu.
LORELAI: Although, why I'd be walking into Luke's apartment like this in the future, I don't know, so put the system on the back burner.
JESS: Okay.
LORELAI: Mmkay. Carry on, or. . .see ya.
[Lorelai walks back down to the diner]
LORELAI: Dude!
LUKE: Hey. Find it okay?
LORELAI: Yeah. I found everything -- including a couple coupling.
LUKE: Oh, Rory and Jess?
LORELAI: No, Ben and J. Lo. Yes, Rory and Jess.
LUKE: I guess I should've told you.
LORELAI: You knew they were up there?
LUKE: They're up there all the time.
LORELAI: On the couch. . .horizontal, on the couch?
LUKE: They come up for air every so often.
LORELAI: And you just allow this? Luke!
LUKE: Settle down. I go up there every ten minutes pretending to get something to keep them from doing something we don't want. "Oops, I forgot my pocketknife." "Oops, uh, I'm out of ones." "Uh, hey, you see a case of mustard up here?" I put the stuff in a box. I take the box upstairs every couple days and start all over again.
LORELAI: And you think that suffices?
LUKE: Look, it's better that they're safe and upstairs than someplace else. And you going up there just now saved me a trip, so thanks.
LORELAI: Glad to be of service.
LUKE: I got a good system, it works.
LORELAI: Every ten minutes?
LUKE: Like clockwork, never a minute more.
LORELAI: Even if you're serving a customer, it's every ten minutes?
LUKE: If I'm in mid-pour, I stop and go up.
LORELAI: Ten minutes. Yeah, that's pretty much the time it took to create Rory. And that included getting dressed and freshening my lipstick.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Thanks for the book.
LUKE: Caesar, cover for me.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory walks toward the staircase]
LORELAI: [from upstairs] Rory?
RORY: I'm coming.
LORELAI: Toute de suite, and I don't mean the candy.
[Rory walks into Lorelai's bedroom]
RORY: Okay, what's the packing crisis?
LORELAI: That's the thing. I have no packing crisis. For the first time in my life, there is no packing crisis. See? This has never happened to me before. I'm all packed, ready to go, and fully confident that I have everything I'll need or desire.
RORY: So you're creating a crisis out of nostalgia?
LORELAI: No, see, Alex and I talked about everything we plan to do and how he expected to dress and how I expected to dress, and we coordinated to the point where I knew each piece of clothing I had to bring, down to the Spice Girls necklace I plan to wear Saturday morning for breakfast because we agreed to keep it a little whimsical.
RORY: So, not your Jonas Salk necklace?
LORELAI: I'm trying to become as good a planner as you.
RORY: So, what's the problem?
LORELAI: I have no idea what to wear on the drive. I wanna look good, obviously, but not too good that it steps on my night outfit, and I also wanna be comfortable.
RORY: What's he wearing, a jogging suit?
LORELAI: Yeah, and then after, he and Paulie are hitting the Bada Bing.
RORY: Your point being, it's probably not a running suit.
LORELAI: Right.
RORY: And tonight's a dress?
LORELAI: And, uh, my cashmere coat and a hat.
RORY: Your stretchy jeans and your Bunnyranch T-shirt.
LORELAI: Comfort and raunch, I love it. Good. So, um, how are you guys working the logistics tonight?
RORY: I am going to study at school, then I'm going straight to Grandma's from there. Jess is driving straight from work, and then he's driving me home.
LORELAI: Home? Home here?
RORY: Yeah, he's gonna drop me off here.
LORELAI: Well, I guess that makes sense.
RORY: I thought so.
LORELAI: Although, hm, I don't know.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Are you sure that's the best way to do it?
RORY: Yeah, why?
LORELAI: Well, it just means you're coming home to an empty house.
RORY: Well, that's your doing, not mine.
LORELAI: Yeah, but it might be kind of lonely here. Did you think about staying at Mom's?
RORY: Overnight?
LORELAI: Yeah. They've got those fancy beds that don't sag, and you're guaranteed a great Norma Desmond style breakfast the next morning. You don't have school, it works out perfectly.
RORY: I'd rather just come home.
LORELAI: Okay, sure. But, you know, staying at your grandmother's would also mean that Jess wouldn't have to go out of his way at the end of the night to drop you off. It would be much more convenient for him.
RORY: Our house is two-tenths of a mile out of his way.
LORELAI: Are you sure he's gonna have enough gas?
RORY: I'll make sure.
LORELAI: But if you can't get a hold of him, it might be safer to plan on staying at Mom's. I mean, if you run out of gas, you're stuck. And at the mercy of the Orcs.
RORY: Mom, why are you so freaked?
LORELAI: This is not freaked.
RORY: Is it because you won't be here and he will?
LORELAI: Uh, it might've crossed my mind.
RORY: And what are you worried about happening?
LORELAI: Well, what you guys were on the on-ramp for up at Luke's the other day. Your basic boy/girl stuff. Especially with this new boy, you girl stuff.
RORY: Well, the boy is different, but I'm still me. That hasn't changed.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know.
RORY: And I have so much on my mind, so many things going on in my life, that I don't ever have time to think about that.
LORELAI: No thinking at all?
RORY: None, I swear.
LORELAI: Mmhmm, sure, sure.
RORY: And we talk about everything together, you and me, remember? So it's not like something will happen that you won't know about.
LORELAI: Good. [doorbell rings] That's Alex. Come on.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily and Rory are sitting in the living room]
EMILY: You know, you didn't have to change.
RORY: Well, I feel kind of dumb being in my uniform when I'm not in school.
EMILY: But you look darling in it. I'm going to miss it when you go to college.
RORY: Yeah, I am, too, in a way. I mean, I like not having to think about what I'm going to wear.
EMILY: And you'll have plenty of years to stress yourself out about that.
RORY: I'm sorry he's late.
EMILY: We're fine. Dinner will keep.
RORY: I know how you like things to be punctual.
EMILY: There was a big tie-up on the 84 earlier. He's probably smack dab in the middle of that. Why don't you try him on his cell phone, see what's going on.
RORY: He doesn't have one.
EMILY: Really?
RORY: He doesn't believe in them.
EMILY: Well, I find that refreshing. Technology is encroaching too fast on every aspect of life, if you ask me. It's getting to the point where people will want robots to carry them from place to place. [the doorbell rings] There he is.
[they walk to the door. Jess is standing on the porch with a black eye]
RORY: What
JESS: Sorry I'm late.
EMILY: Oh, that's all right. Come in, come in. It's cold out.
RORY: Um, Grandma, this is Jess. Jess, my grandmother.
EMILY: Nice to meet you.
JESS: Same here.
RORY: Uh, what happened to your eye?
JESS: It's a long story, I don't wanna bore you.
EMILY: Oh, this is new?
RORY: Brand new.
EMILY: It looks bad. Does it hurt?
JESS: I'm fine.
RORY: Is it why you were late?
JESS: No, 84 was jammed.
EMILY: We knew that, too. There was something with a big rig. Oh, those things, they scare the life out of me. And apparently, all the men who drive them are hopped up on bennies and goofballs. Come, come, have a seat at the table. I'll go check on dinner. [walks away]
JESS: Shouldn't we go with her?
RORY: Were you in a fight?
JESS: Dinner's waiting.
RORY: Jess, were you in a fight?
JESS: I told you, it's a long story, I don't wanna talk about it.
RORY: Why?
JESS: Look, Rory, I'm already in a crappy mood. Traffic sucked. Traffic I h*t going to a function I didn't particularly wanna go to. And I'm thirsty. And I'm hungry. So let's eat.
[they walk to the dining room]
JESS: So do we eat standing up?
RORY: Over there.
[they sit at the table. Emily walks into the room]
EMILY: The roast looks perfect. Oh, Jess, you eat meat, I hope. I forgot to ask.
JESS: I'm a carnivore.
EMILY: Good. I don't see how anybody can resist eating meat.
JESS: It's why we have teeth.
EMILY: That's how I feel. Dinner parties used to be simple. Now every time we give one, I have to run my menu down with every person on the list. It's tiring. This one eats just about anything.
RORY: Grandma.
EMILY: I'm sorry, but the way you and your mother eat, and those slim figures of yours it's a medical marvel.
JESS: They should be studied.
RORY: I don't think so.
EMILY: So, Rory tells me you're part of the Wal-Mart corporation.
JESS: Only out of necessity.
EMILY: They sound like wonderful stores.
JESS: Oh, yeah, I wanna be buried there.
EMILY: We've never actually been inside one, but we own the stock.
JESS: Thanks for the paycheck.
EMILY: Oh, that's very funny.
RORY: Did you just get it?
JESS: Huh?
RORY: The eye did it just happen?
JESS: You know, we should eat these salads so the roast doesn't get cold.
RORY: I mean, it must be sometime between nine last night and now.
EMILY: Hm?
RORY: His eye.
JESS: Yeah, it was sometime in there.
RORY: But you can't narrow it down?
JESS: Rory, come on.
EMILY: Oh my God, there's no salt and pepper on this table. We'll need it for the meat. These people are supposed to be trained before I get them, but God knows that's never the case. [leaves room]
JESS: What is your problem?
RORY: You're not telling me the truth, that's my problem.
JESS: I don't wanna get into it here.
RORY: And it's obvious why.
JESS: Oh, is it?
RORY: You got into a fight with Dean.
JESS: Unbelievable.
RORY: Is that it?
JESS: It always comes back to Dean.
RORY: Because you bring it there.
JESS: You brought up Dean.
RORY: Because you got into a fight with him.
JESS: Why are you pressing this? Why? I'm trying to make some kind of quasi-positive impression on your grandmother per your request and you're forcing me to do otherwise. And what the hell are raisins doing in a salad? Why can't people leave well enough alone?
RORY: Well, in that whole speech, I didn't hear you deny it.
[Emily walks back into the room]
EMILY: We've got great choices on the prime rib. How do you like your prime rib, Jess?
JESS: Cooked.
RORY: He's not picky, Grandma.
EMILY: Good, that'll make it easier. So, what did I miss?
JESS: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
RORY: Grandma, would it be all right if I speak to Jess for a second? We can go to the study.
JESS: We're eating.
RORY: Well, I want to talk.
JESS: You're being a little rude to your grandmother, Rory.
EMILY: I can leave the room for a minute if you want.
RORY: No, Grandma, we'll be right back.
[Rory and Jess walk to the study]
RORY: I told you nothing happened at Patty's, but you just wouldn't believe it. You had to get into a fight with Dean tonight right before meeting my grandmother. This is a disaster.
JESS: I did not get into a fight with Dean.
RORY: Bull.
JESS: Believe what you want.
RORY: I'm going to find out eventually, so why keep it from me?
JESS: What if Dean had sucker-punched me and I had to defend myself? You're not even considering the possibility that that's what happened?
RORY: Dean wouldn't do that.
JESS: Oh, no, he might get his big white Stetson dirty.
RORY: You're being a jerk to my grandmother, too.
JESS: Hey, I'm doing my best. If that means I'm being a jerk, then that's what I am. I didn't even wanna come.
RORY: No one made you.
JESS: You made me. Now I've seen it all.
RORY: You embarrassed me in front of her.
JESS: That's it, I've had it.
RORY: So have I.
JESS: If you're gonna harp on this, I'm leaving.
RORY: Oh, great, so now I have to explain to my Grandma why my boyfriend who showed up a half-hour late with a black eye is walking out.
JESS: Well, you like making up stories in your head so that should be easy for you.
[they walk to the front door. Jess leaves. Emily walks up to Rory]
EMILY: Is he fetching something from his car?
RORY: I don't think so.
EMILY: He left.
RORY: Yeah, he left.
EMILY: Well, you can take some prime rib back for him if you want. What do you say the girls have some dinner, huh?
CUT TO NEW YORK
[Lorelai, Alex, Sookie, and Jackson walk out of the theater]
JACKSON: So, good, good show.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. Alex, thank you for getting us those tickets.
SOOKIE: Great production value.
JACKSON: Oh, amazing. I mean, the way they do lighting on these things.
SOOKIE: It's magical, it's magical.
ALEX: This is the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.
LORELAI: What?
ALEX: I saw Moose m*rder. This stinks worse.
SOOKIE: I thought it was me.
JACKSON: I was dying in there.
LORELAI: Every song is the same.
SOOKIE: The same two notes.
LORELAI: How does that happen?
SOOKIE: I feel so very bad. Yes, I feel so very sad.
LORELAI: I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm mad.
SOOKIE: I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm sad.
JACKSON: I'm sorry that's better, rent a theater.
ALEX: Look, I say we h*t a bar, get some drinks, continue plotting out this musical you guys are writing.
LORELAI: Cool. We'll need pens and paper.
SOOKIE: Just memorize it. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm sad.
JACKSON: We'll grab a cab.
SOOKIE: Hey, that fits right in.
[Sookie and Jackson walk away to hail a cab]
LORELAI: You're nice.
ALEX: I try.
[Lorelai pulls out her cell phone]
ALEX: Who are you expecting?
LORELAI: Oh, Rory. I mean, not that I'm expecting a call because a call could mean something bad, so, um, not getting a call is probably best.
ALEX: Probably.
LORELAI: I'm just gonna give her a call.
ALEX: You know, on the drive down here, you made me promise to stop you if you were gonna call Rory for the wrong reason.
LORELAI: But I left the iron on.
ALEX: She'll turn it off.
LORELAI: She's got this boy.
ALEX: I know.
LORELAI: I shouldn't call her.
ALEX: It's up to you.
JACKSON: Hey guys, we got a cab, and the driver likes our song.
LORELAI: Putting away phone now.
ALEX: Good girl.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Rory is asleep in bed. Her cell phone rings and wakes her up]
RORY: Hello?
LORELAI: Good morning.
RORY: Hey. It's early. Why are you calling so early?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. I must've screwed up the time difference. What time is it there?
RORY: The same time it is there.
LORELAI: Ah, sorry.
RORY: How's it going?
LORELAI: Good. A lot of walking. We all had pizza at John's in the village and wrote a musical.
RORY: Good for you.
LORELAI: Then we picked the same Dean Martin song on the jukebox twenty-five times and people started complaining, so we picked the Bee Gees' "New York Mining Disaster" and they begged for Dean Martin back.
RORY: Sounds fun.
LORELAI: So, how'd the dinner go?
RORY: Uh, not well. Far from well.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: I'm at Grandma's.
LORELAI: You stayed the night?
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: What did she do? Did she make you stay because she didn't want Jess to drive you home? She is so untrusting. And to ruin this dinner I'm gonna k*ll her.
RORY: No, Grandma was great. The whole time, even when Jess was late.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
RORY: She was a saint. Staying over was my idea.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Jess and I got into the most horrible fight of my life and it was. . .ugh. I can't even say.
LORELAI: I don't believe this.
RORY: He showed up with a big black eye.
LORELAI: A black guy?
RORY: Eye, a black eye. He got into a fight.
LORELAI: With who, Dean?
RORY: He wouldn't say, but yes, and he was all standoffish about it and things got worse and worse and he walked out. It was all horrible.
LORELAI: Wow, honey. I'm sorry. Are you okay?
RORY: I'm upset, but I'm okay.
[Emily opens the door]
EMILY: Oh, I thought I heard you up. How bout some breakfast?
RORY: Sure.
EMILY: Is that Jess?
RORY: No, it's Mom.
LORELAI: Hey, put her on.
RORY: She wants to talk to you. Bye.
LORELAI: See ya tonight.
[Rory hands Emily the phone, then leaves the room]
EMILY: Hello?
LORELAI: Mom, hi, listen. Rory kind of explained what happened last night, and how you were really great about it. I just wanted to thank you. I mean, I don't know all the details, but I'm sure it all could've been way worse, and you keeping your cool like that was really, really nice. Thanks.
EMILY: How can you let your daughter be with that abominable thug?
LORELAI: Mom
EMILY: First he arrives late, how disrespectful is that? Then he's rude to Rory, rude to me.
LORELAI: Mom
EMILY: Oh, and that attitude I wanted to slap that monosyllabic mouth of his. And God forbid they're in another accident together or his heap of a car breaks down and Lord Jim has decided cell phones are beneath him and they're stranded in the middle of nowhere. How can you let this happen? He had a black eye. He belongs in jail!
CUT TO TOWN SQUARE
[Dave, Zach, and Brian drive down the street and stop at a stop light. Dave turns off the car radio]
ZACH: Yo, dude, that's disrespectful.
DAVE: We're really early. Let's get something to eat.
ZACH: Sure, what do we want?
BRIAN: I've only got three bucks.
ZACH: You always only got three bucks. What is it, you go to an ATM that only gives out three bucks at a time?
DAVE: Let's just pick.
BRIAN: Well, I'm sick of burgers, so if it could be a place that has more than burgers
ZACH: What do you want, like a three-dollar sushi place?
BRIAN: It doesn't have to be sushi.
[Dave sees Mrs. Kim walking toward them]
DAVE: Guys, shut up and be cool. Don't say a thing.
BRIAN: What, why?
DAVE: Mrs. Kim, hello.
MRS. KIM: David.
ZACH: David?
BRIAN: Mrs. Kim. You're Lane's mom?
MRS. KIM: How do you know Lane?
ZACH: She's a great dr
DAVE: Girl. We all think so.
MRS. KIM: Who are you? What is all this, David? Who are all these unwashed boys?
DAVE: Well, see, Zach and Brian here play in a combo with me when I don't play solo.
MRS. KIM: A combo?
DAVE: A Christian combo.
MRS. KIM: Oh, good. With just a guitar it can sound thin.
DAVE: Well, that's why we play music together. Uh, the light's turned, we should probably get
MRS. KIM: Wait, I want to warn you about something.
DAVE: Yes?
MRS. KIM: About Lane. She has a crush on you.
DAVE: She does?
MRS. KIM: I thought you should know. She's a good girl, but flighty sometimes. Be careful around her. I know you're a serious boy, I don't want you to be shocked.
DAVE: Oh, no, thank you. I'll be very careful, I promise.
MRS. KIM: Okay. Maybe I'll book your combo sometime, mix it up a little.
DAVE: It would be our pleasure. Right, guys?
ZACH: Yeah.
BRIAN: Sure.
MRS. KIM: Don't speed. [walks away]
DAVE: Okay, so, uh, where do we wanna eat?
CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET
[Rory walks up to Dean]
RORY: Hey.
DEAN: Hey there. Did you see those fliers? Apparently, I clicked my heels for joy after one of her songs. I don't remember that.
RORY: Me neither. Can I talk to you for a sec?
DEAN: Well, yeah, what's wrong?
RORY: Dean, this whole friend thing with us isn't going to work if we're not honest with each other.
DEAN: I agree.
RORY: Okay, so, anything you wanna tell me?
DEAN: Corn's two for a dollar?
RORY: Jess has a black eye.
DEAN: Oh yeah?
RORY: Any idea where he got it?
DEAN: That would be an extremely long list.
RORY: It wasn't you?
DEAN: It wasn't me.
RORY: You swear?
DEAN: I swear. Did he say it was me?
RORY: No, he's not saying anything. He's less talkative than some.
DEAN: Yeah, sorry, I have no idea. Look, I really don't like talking about
RORY: I know, sorry, I
DEAN: I should get back to work.
RORY: Okay, thanks.
DEAN: Sorry I couldn't solve the mystery.
RORY: Me, too.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is behind the counter, Jess walks down from upstairs]
LUKE: Whoa.
JESS: What?
LUKE: You're Petey the dog.
JESS: I prefer to not talk about this.
LUKE: Is that why you snuck in last night?
JESS: I did not sneak in. Now, could we get back to work here?
LUKE: Fine, start clearing some stuff. So when'd you get into a fight with Dean?
JESS: It wasn't a fight with Dean.
LUKE: Whoa, where's that coming from? I just asked.
JESS: What's with everybody making assumptions? I'm sick of it.
LUKE: So it wasn't Dean.
JESS: No.
LUKE: When did it happen, yesterday?
JESS: Yes.
LUKE: You went to Rory's grandmother yesterday. She punch you?
JESS: Stop.
LUKE: Where'd you get it?
JESS: Santa Claus.
LUKE: So you're not gonna tell me?
JESS: That's right.
[phone rings]
LUKE: [answers] Hello? Yeah, hey Rory, hang on a sec. [to Jess] It's Rory.
JESS: I'm not here.
LUKE: What?
JESS: Get a clue, Columbo. I don't wanna talk to her.
LUKE: You don't wanna talk to Rory? [to Rory] Yeah, Rory? Yeah, he just went someplace. Yeah, I'll tell him. Bye.
[Luke hangs up the phone, then grabs Jess by his shirt]
LUKE: Come on.
JESS: Hey.
[Luke pulls him to the storage room]
JESS: Come on, what is this?
LUKE: Look, you're my responsibility. You're exhibiting signs of violent behavior and I don't care how much you don't wanna talk about it, you're not leaving until you tell me. Now, tell me, where'd you get the black eye?
JESS: You wouldn't believe it anyway.
LUKE: Try me, tough guy.
JESS: A swan.
LUKE: Excuse me?
JESS: I was att*cked by a swan. Okay, you happy? A stupid swan.
LUKE: Now, how bout the real story?
JESS: That is the real story. It hangs out by Larson's Dock. I was just walking by and the thing came out of nowhere and bam beaked me right in the eye.
LUKE: It beaked you?
JESS: You still don't believe me.
LUKE: I just never heard anyone use the word beaked as a verb before.
JESS: No, no, this isn't funny. That stupid bird att*cked me. He could've blinded me. It's a vicious, vicious bird, and . . .fine. Forget it.
[they walk back into the diner. Jess retrieves a ladle from under the counter]
LUKE: What are you doing? Where are you going?
JESS: I'm gonna do a little beaking of my own.
LUKE: Jess, not the ladle. That's a brand new ladle. Take the baster!
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Luke and Jess are in a rowboat in the middle of the lake]
LUKE: I don't see a swan.
JESS: Put your oars down.
LUKE: They don't like oars?
JESS: Just lay low, it'll come.
LUKE: Does it act all peaceful and Bambi-like and then suddenly att*ck like the rabbit in Monty Python?
JESS: Your voice is probably scaring it away.
LUKE: So how'd you explain the black eye to the Gilmores?
JESS: I didn't. The whole night sucked. I'm happy it's behind me.
LUKE: Behind you? You ain't got nothing behind you.
JESS: What do you mean?
LUKE: You'll have plenty more events like that in your future.
JESS: No way.
LUKE: When you date a girl like Rory, you're involved with her whole family. Just like that last girl you dated, you were involved with her whole petri dish.
JESS: At least she was easy to figure out.
LUKE: And you were bored from day one.
JESS: I'm dating Rory, not her family.
LUKE: All these people come in a package with this girl. The mother comes with this girl. The grandmother comes with this girl.
JESS: And apparently a bunch of others. Everybody she's ever met, including Dean.
LUKE: She picked you.
JESS: God knows why.
LUKE: She knows, that's all that matters. Jess, being jealous of Dean
JESS: I am not jealous of Dean.
LUKE: Being jealous of Dean is pointless. You're just gonna drive Rory away. You wanna have a relationship with someone, you're gonna have to learn to open up your mouth and say something.
JESS: Give it a rest, Dr. Phil.
LUKE: You can't shut down, you can't avoid her calls.
JESS: I didn't wanna talk.
LUKE: Well, when are you gonna wanna talk?
JESS: I don't know.
LUKE: So, what are you gonna do, just keep avoiding her and never take her calls again?
JESS: She'll find me eventually.
LUKE: If she keeps looking for you.
JESS: Hey, I'm not gonna be a wuss like Dean.
LUKE: Dean had that girl for two years. You have a little fight after two months, you walk out, and it's over?
JESS: I don't care.
LUKE: Okay, fine, you don't care, that's obvious.
[Jess sees a swan]
JESS: Shh!
LUKE: Is that the one?
JESS: That's it. Watch it.
LUKE: I'm watching it. It's pretty.
JESS: Shh!
LUKE: Is it gonna double back?
JESS: Maybe.
LUKE: So it's lulling us into complacency.
JESS: He's vicious, I'm telling you.
LUKE: Yeah, his butt's terrifying.
JESS: It's outnumbered. That's the problem. It knows there's two of us.
LUKE: So you want me to get under water, swim along with the boat, breathe through a straw?
JESS: Forget it.
LUKE: Maybe it's gonna get another swan and come back and make a fight of it, huh?
JESS: Forget it.
CUT TO LORELAI'S GARAGE
[Rory is talking to Lane as she sets up for band practice]
LANE: He's not even calling you back, huh?
RORY: No, and I'm not sure what to do.
LANE: Well, Dave and I have never had a fight because we haven't really truly g*n dating, so I have no perspective on this.
RORY: Well, you'd better hurry up and start having bad boy troubles so I can get some feedback.
[The band walks into the garage]
DAVE: Hey there.
LANE: Hi guys.
RORY: How's it going?
ZACH: I think it's going a little weird, to tell you the truth.
LANE: Weird, why?
BRIAN: I think we need to get something out in the open here.
ZACH: Definitely.
DAVE: We ran into your mom.
LANE: My mom?
RORY: Oh boy.
ZACH: Yeah, and we're well aware that there's a situation here that you guys have been hiding.
BRIAN: We should get it out in the open here or else it's gonna get weirder.
DAVE: Yeah, I guess so. We didn't mean anything by hiding it guys.
ZACH: Well, what pisses us off is that you felt you had to hide it.
DAVE: Really?
ZACH: Yeah. Dave, you're a Christian. So what? That's cool.
BRIAN: It's nothing to hide.
ZACH: Christians can still rock.
DAVE: They can?
LANE: Yeah, yeah, Dave. Christians can still rock, don't hide it.
ZACH: Marshall Stacks don't know Christians from atheists.
DAVE: Gosh, I just wasn't sure if you guys would be accepting of my devoutness.
BRIAN: Dave, it's a part of you, and we think you're cool, so it's cool.
DAVE: Great. Thanks, guys.
ZACH: But no way are we playing Creed, man.
DAVE: Oh, no, of course not.
ZACH: Or Amy Grant. That's where we draw the line.
LANE: This is very accepting of you guys.
BRIAN: And we'd be totally into playing that gig for your mom if it pays.
LANE: Oh, Mrs. Kim pays. Uh, she's very good about that.
[a car horn honks from the yard]
RORY: That's my mom. I'm glad this all worked out.
LANE: Yeah, me too.
[Rory walks to the front yard. Alex is getting Lorelai's suitcase out of the trunk of his SUV]
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Oh, my little daughter.
RORY: I'm happy to see you. Thanks for bringing her back in one piece.
ALEX: No problem.
LORELAI: I'm very weak.
ALEX: She hasn't eaten in awhile.
RORY: I warned you to keep to her feeding schedule.
LORELAI: I'm drifting, drifting.
ALEX: She wanted to wait to have dinner with you.
RORY: That's sweet.
LORELAI: Must have food now.
RORY: I'll take it from here.
ALEX: Thanks.
LORELAI: Bye. [to Rory] You're not food.
ALEX: Revive her.
RORY: I will. I'm gonna run and get take out.
LORELAI: Oh, make like the wind.
RORY: Can you make it to the door?
LORELAI: I'll struggle.
CUT TO TOWN SQUARE
[Rory walks by the diner with some takeout bags. Jess walks out]
JESS: Rory.
RORY: Oh, hey.
JESS: Hey. Your mom home?
RORY: I'm bringing supplies.
JESS: Should've brought a mule.
RORY: What?
JESS: A pack mule, to carry it.
RORY: Oh, yeah.
JESS: So, sorry I missed your calls.
RORY: You were always out.
JESS: Yeah. I was getting ready to call you just now, but you would've been out.
RORY: Ironic.
JESS: Yeah.
RORY: So, I know there was no fight with Dean.
JESS: Really? How? You asked Dean.
RORY: It was the only thing I could think to do.
JESS: To go to the source.
RORY: Yup. I'm sorry I doubted you.
JESS: It's okay. I would've doubted me, too.
RORY: I need to trust you as much as I trusted
JESS: Him.
RORY: Yeah.
JESS: This black eye screwed everything up.
RORY: Yeah.
JESS: Next time I go to your grandmother's, I'll try not to have one.
RORY: Next time?
JESS: Next time.
RORY: So what happened?
JESS: I don't
RORY: Come on. It wasn't Dean, you can say.
JESS: Will that make you happy?
RORY: Yes, very.
JESS: Okay, I'll tell you the truth, since we're both so into the truth tonight. That's what good relationships are about, right?
RORY: Right.
JESS: But you've gotta promise not to mock me ever, and please don't tell anyone else.
RORY: Promise.
JESS: I was throwing a football with a buddy and got h*t in the eye.
RORY: You poor thing.
JESS: Yeah.
RORY: But that's not embarrassing.
JESS: Yeah, now that you mention it, it's not.
RORY: I have to go.
JESS: Don't go.
RORY: I don't want to.
JESS: Then don't. Let's go somewhere.
RORY: I've got takeout.
JESS: I'll reimburse you.
RORY: My mom's waiting. Keep thinking what you're thinking.
JESS: I don't have a choice.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is lying on the couch, Rory walks in with the takeout]
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Hm? Is that you, Rhett?
RORY: I bring food.
LORELAI: Oh, thank God. Ha! One of everything at Al's. Bless you with gluttony. Aren't you hungry?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Well, come on, dig in. What's wrong?
RORY: Nothing. Um, listen.
LORELAI: I'm listening.
RORY: When I said before that I was too busy to think about it, I realized now that I'm not too busy to think about it.
LORELAI: Think about it?
RORY: About it.
LORELAI: Oh, it.
RORY: Yeah, it.
LORELAI: Ha, it.
RORY: Nothing's happened yet, but. . .it might. Maybe.
LORELAI: Maybe?
RORY: Maybe. . .with Jess.
LORELAI: Hm, with Jess.
RORY: You still want me to tell you everything, right?
LORELAI: Yeah. Uh, no. Well
RORY: Which is it?
LORELAI: We're doing this now.
RORY: Yes. Which is it?
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: You'll let me know?
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: Was that, yeah, you'll let me know, or yeah, that's your answer, you wanna know?
LORELAI: I guess, I wanna know, yes, and now, sure.
RORY: Well, nothing's happened.
LORELAI: I heard.
RORY: But it might.
LORELAI: Okay. Could you tell me before it does?
RORY: Right before, or
LORELAI: No, just. . .just before.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay, good. Is that it?
RORY: For tonight, yeah.
LORELAI: Good. This. . .this is good.
RORY: Yeah, it is good.
LORELAI: Okay, well, let's eat.
RORY: Good.
[They start eating. Lorelai puts her arm around Rory. Rory puts her arm around Lorelai. They continue eating.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x14 - Swan Song"} | foreverdreaming |
3.15 - Face-Off
written by John Stephens
directed by Kenny Ortega
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai is sitting at a table with Taylor]
TAYLOR: So, I have talked to every member of my family and we agreed that you can hold the rooms on my credit card, but everyone must check out with their own.
LORELAI: Got it.
TAYLOR: Have we gone over the room arrangements yet?
LORELAI: Closing in on a hundred and fifty times.
TAYLOR: Well, the Doose clan is very, very particular about their accommodations. We are light sleepers and are prone to night terrors, and several of us are very allergic to bed clothing, so it's very important that we are
LORELAI: On the first floor or near a f*re escape. Yes, Taylor, I know, it's all taken care of. Um, Taylor, could you just hang on a second? I'll be right back.
TAYLOR: Oh, all right, but hurry. I don't have all day.
[Lorelai walks to the counter where Rory is talking to Jess]
LORELAI: Hey. You were supposed to bring me a cup of coffee.
RORY: Yes, I know. I'm sorry, I got distracted.
JESS: My fault.
LORELAI: Yes, but see, when you left me there, I was alone, and now, look, I'm no longer alone.
RORY: Taylor found you?
LORELAI: Yes, and we've since embarked on hour one hundred millionth of planning the special Doose reunion.
RORY: I'm coming back over there right now.
LORELAI: Yes, and then you are going to get very sick and be unable to feed yourself so that Mommy will need to take you home and stay by your side until the Doose reunion is over.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay. Say goodbye to Jess.
RORY: Bye Jess.
JESS: I'll call you later.
LORELAI: Oh, limp a little if you can.
RORY: Uh, what malady do I have that makes me limp and lose ability to feed myself?
LORELAI: It's French.
RORY: Okay.
[they walk over to Taylor]
LORELAI: Taylor, listen, we're gonna need to finish this up a little later. Rory's not feeling so good.
TAYLOR: Oh no, what's the matter?
RORY: It's French.
TAYLOR: All right. Well, I think we're just about done here anyhow. Oh, before I forget, let me give you each one of these. [hands them each a button]
RORY: [reads button] "Stars Hollow Hockey, 2003 semifinalists. Go Minutemen. The future is yours. Bring this button to Doose's for fifty percent off your next purchase of Stove Top Stuffing." Wow, that's a lot of words for a tiny button.
TAYLOR: I expect to see both of you wearing them at the game tomorrow night.
LORELAI: Well, we'll try to make it.
TAYLOR: Try to make it? My dear, do you realize that this is the first time we've been in the regional semifinals in forty-three years?
RORY: But didn't we only make it this far because the Litchfield team got food poisoning?
TAYLOR: Well, I admit it's not exactly the plot of Hoosiers, but still it's very, very exciting.
LORELAI: Well, it's nice that you and your family are so loyal to the home team.
TAYLOR: Oh, the Dooses have been the backbone of Stars Hollow High hockey for years. I, myself, was the goalkeeper for our team in the last regional finals.
LORELAI: I did not know that.
TAYLOR: Oh yes. I was responsible for the game-winning goal.
LUKE: So the puck just ricocheted off your head and into the net?
TAYLOR: Still counted.
LUKE: For God's sake, I was making a joke. You really got pucked in the head?
TAYLOR: No, I was making a joke, too. Uh, Lorelai, just one more
[Taylor looks out the window and sees Lorelai and Rory running down the street]
TAYLOR: What a disgrace, making that poor sick girl run.
LUKE: Wow, you can see the dent.
[opening credits]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, and Richard are eating dinner]
RICHARD: So, Rory, how are things at Chilton?
RORY: Great, great, everything's great.
RICHARD: And, uh, Lorelai, things at the inn are good?
LORELAI: Mm, mmhmm, hm.
RICHARD: Oh, Rory, please slow down and chew your food properly.
LORELAI: I'm always telling her that. Pass the butter.
RORY: Pass the peas.
LORELAI: Pass the pork.
RORY: Pass your plate.
RICHARD: I'm sorry, is there a race going on I don't know about?
[Emily walks into the room]
EMILY: That was your mother, Richard. She just wanted to make sure that all our towels are Egyptian cotton.
RICHARD: Well, it's a simple question.
EMILY: It's her fortieth simple question of the day.
RICHARD: Well, she's going to be staying with us, Emily. She just wants to know she'll be comfortable.
EMILY: Yes, because we usually give our guests the towels we've stolen from the Holiday Inn.
RORY: Great Grandma's coming to stay with you?
RICHARD: Just for a few days, um, while her floors are being redone.
LORELAI: So, how's Gran doing?
RORY: Yeah, does she miss London?
EMILY: Not half as much as I do.
RICHARD: Emily.
EMILY: I never really truly appreciated the Atlantic Ocean before. Three thousand lovely miles of water.
RICHARD: You are talking about my mother.
EMILY: I know that, Richard. And I'm happy to have her stay here, but must she keep interrupting the one dinner a week that we have with Lorelai and Rory? She knows what time we dine and why are you two eating so quickly?
LORELAI: We're not eating quickly.
RORY: Yeah, you've been on the phone for awhile. It probably just seems like we've eaten a lot.
[phone rings]
EMILY: I wonder who that could be.
RICHARD: Emily.
[doorbell rings]
EMILY: Well, aren't we popular? Richard, perhaps you could get that while I have another bath sheet versus bath towel debate with your mother.
[Richard and Emily leave the room]
LORELAI: You're giving it away!
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You're eating too quickly.
RORY: What? You said that we had to be out of here by 8:30.
LORELAI: Yeah, but I didn't tell you to broadcast it.
RORY: I'm eating at the same speed you are.
LORELAI: But you're eating small bites very fast. You've gotta eat bigger bites at a normal speed.
RORY: You mean I should risk choking so we can make our Friday night plans?
LORELAI: Exactly.
[Richard returns to the table]
RICHARD: I apologize for that.
LORELAI: Collection agency again?
RICHARD: Excuse me?
[Emily returns to the room]
EMILY: Thank goodness she called. Richard, did you know people actually expect there to be soap in their bathrooms when they. . .
[Emily hears a noise. She looks into the living room and sees two men carrying a mattress up the steps]
EMILY: Why are there strange men hauling a mattress up my staircase?
RICHARD: Well, now, Emily
EMILY: She sent her own mattress?
RICHARD: Well, she has a very sensitive back.
EMILY: She sent her own mattress?
RICHARD: I'll go and supervise. [leaves room]
LORELAI: Well, Mom, it looks like you got a lot going on here.
RORY: With the mattresses and the phone calls.
LORELAI: Yeah, so we're just gonna go and get out of your hair.
EMILY: Hold it right there. What is going on with you two?
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
EMILY: You know exactly what I'm talking about. Bolting down your food, leaving before dessert, Rory checking her pager every five minutes. What do you have planned? Fine, we'll just sit here until one of you feels like filling me in.
LORELAI: She has a date!
RORY: So does she!
LORELAI: Yeah, but hers starts a half-hour earlier than mine!
RORY: Because you get to stay out later!
LORELAI: Because I'm the mom!
EMILY: You two, stop it right now! You're behaving like children.
LORELAI: Sorry.
RORY: Yeah, sorry.
EMILY: Our deal is for Friday night dinners, not appearances at Friday night dinners. Now, you will sit there and you will eat your dessert.
LORELAI: But
EMILY: One more word and I throw in a game of charades.
RORY: Yes, ma'am.
LORELAI: Yes, Mom.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory rush into the house]
LORELAI: Oh, we gotta get a faster car!
RORY: Hey, don't blame the car.
LORELAI: So you're saying it's my fault we're late?
RORY: Who was the one who said, "Hey, I've got room for another piece of pie."
[Lorelai goes upstairs]
LORELAI: Ah! You kept making all that pointless conversation, all those thank you's and please's. What, are you running for Miss Congeniality?
RORY: Just get ready.
LORELAI: What time are you meeting Jess?
RORY: I don't know, I'll tell you in a sec. [checks answering machine]
LORELAI: Have you seen my brown boots? I cannot go out without those brown boots. My entire outfit was retrofitted around those practically Oh! Wait, can you believe it? Hey, they were in my closet. What sort of bizarre accident of fate put them there?
[Lorelai walks back downstairs]
LORELAI: What? He didn't call? Well, maybe it's too early. What time is it?
RORY: 9:15.
LORELAI: And when did he say he would call?
RORY: When he got off work.
LORELAI: Which was when?
RORY: It varies.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I thought you guys had a plan.
RORY: We did.
LORELAI: And the plan was that he calls you whenever because his work time varies?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Good plan. Bay of Pigs, was that yours, too?
RORY: He'll call.
LORELAI: Hey, look, you wanna come out with me and Alex? We might go see a midnight movie if something really bad is playing.
RORY: No, thanks.
LORELAI: Just promise me you won't sit here all night staring at the phone.
RORY: [turns on TV] Happy?
LORELAI: Delirious. Oh, I should not have had that second piece of pie.
RORY: Full?
LORELAI: No, just late.
RORY: Bring me some Milk Duds.
LORELAI: It's a plan!
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Rory walk through the town square]
RORY: Then I spent about forty minutes cleaning out my hard drive. You would not believe the amount of junk that accumulates old files, things you've downloaded but never opened. It really slows down your CPU.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I hate a slow CPU.
RORY: Then, all of a sudden, I looked down and I saw all this hair and dust between the keys of my keyboard.
LORELAI: So, naturally, you cleaned your keyboard.
RORY: Yes, and I'll tell you, it was a strangely satisfying experience.
LORELAI: Uh huh. One question. During this time that you watched TV, did homework, proofread articles for The Franklin, organized my sock drawer, returned emails and gave a much needed cleaning to your computer, did it ever occur to you to call him?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Because he said he'd call me.
LORELAI: Right. Okay, so then I'm guessing you're not gonna mention anything to him about your extremely productive evening alone when you see him either.
RORY: Why should I?
LORELAI: No reason I can think of.
[They stop to look at Stars Hollow High, which has been toilet papered by a rival school]
LORELAI: You know, I almost like it better like this.
RORY: It is more festive.
[they see Dean on a ladder helping remove the toilet paper]
LORELAI: Good luck tonight!
RORY: Sure, when Dean said he'd call, he always called, but where's the fun in that?
LORELAI: Oh, honey, don't do that.
RORY: Do what?
LORELAI: Compare Dean and Jess, that's not fair. They're different people.
RORY: Clearly. One calls when he says he will and one doesn't.
LORELAI: Okay, for starters, I think you have to realize something you were really lucky with Dean. He was an exceptional first boyfriend, and you got spoiled. Most of us didn't have first boyfriends like Dean. Most of us had first boyfriends like Brian Hutchins.
RORY: Brian Hutchins?
LORELAI: Seventh grade, I'm sitting in the library, walks up, asks me to go steady. I say yes. He walks away and I don't see him again until the tenth grade when he tries to sell me a dimebag at the Sadies Hawkins Day dance. And he was way overcharging for it, too.
RORY: That's demented.
LORELAI: Well, that's what most of us had to put up with. Where do you think the Susan Faludi's of the world came from?
RORY: So, you're telling me this is just the way it is, and I have to get used to Jess not calling when he says he will?
LORELAI: No, I'm saying you just have to realize that every guy is different. Give Jess a chance to explain before you freeze him out.
RORY: Okay.
[they walk into the diner]
RORY: Jess.
JESS: Hey. That table's clean if you want it. [walks away]
LORELAI: Well, I hope that cleared it up for you.
RORY: Not a word. Not even a lame-o apology that is obviously a lie.
LORELAI: Yeah, how dare he not lie to you.
LUKE: Finally, two people who don't give a damn about hockey.
LORELAI: Oh, someone's testy.
LUKE: Well, just look at these dippy people with their buttons and their pennants. You'd think the town had never been in a semi-regional playoff before.
RORY: But hasn't it been like forty years?
LUKE: Yeah, for the hockey team, yeah. But back when I was on the track team, we went to state three times in four years and won it twice. Think they made buttons and put up banners? They couldn't care less.
LORELAI: Well, Luke, that's because track is for dorks.
RORY: Yeah, it's true. I'm sorry.
LUKE: Okay, the conversing part of this morning is now over. What do you want?
LORELAI: Jack omelet, bacon on the side.
RORY: Three blueberry and two lemon poppy seed muffins to go. Lane's band is rehearsing at my house. I wanted to bring them something.
LUKE: You got that, Jess?
JESS: Yup.
LUKE: Be right back.
JESS: Five muffins to go.
RORY: Thank you. I'll see you later. [leaves]
JESS: What was that, you guys in a fight or something?
LORELAI: No, you are.
JESS: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Last night, didn't you guys have plans to do something?
JESS: I don't know. I just said I'd call her after work.
LORELAI: And did you?
JESS: I had to work another shift, I didn't get off until midnight. It was too late to call.
LORELAI: And you couldn't have taken two seconds at work to call and tell her that?
JESS: No.
LORELAI: Really? You don't get breaks? Do you get food, water? Should I get Michael Moore on the phone?
JESS: Whatever. I gotta unload some boxes. [walks away]
LORELAI: Nice talking to you.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory and Lane walk out of the house toward the garage, where the band is practicing]
LANE: See, I knew once my mom found out Dave was part of a Christian trio, it was only a matter of time before she booked him to play at one of her prayer meetings.
RORY: It's perfect. Now your mom's gonna get to know the whole band.
LANE: Not just get to know them, but love them the way she loves Dave.
RORY: Your mom loves Dave?
LANE: She said he's a righteous young man who's proven he can be trusted around antique furniture. In her book, that's pretty close to love.
RORY: Oh, sure.
ZACH: [sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing." Dude, what's a bulwark?
BRIAN: What?
ZACH: It says, a bulwark never failing.
BRIAN: I think it's a wall.
ZACH: Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay.
BRIAN: I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something.
ZACH: Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark.
RORY: So, Dave, Lane just gets to sit back and watch you guys play tonight, huh? You're like a groupie.
DAVE: No, actually, she's got a date.
RORY: What?
LANE: Oh, yeah. Remember Young Chui, the guy my mom introduced me to at the wedding? She arranged for him to take me to the hockey game tonight.
RORY: Oh.
DAVE: It's the first of three dates.
RORY: The first of three?
DAVE: Then he's gonna dump her.
RORY: Young Chui, the guy you haven't gone out with yet?
LANE: Yes. And I'll be crushed, making my mom feel so guilty about setting me up with him that she'll have to let me go out with Dave to make up for it.
DAVE: I came up with that twist.
LANE: Dave has a natural gift for subterfuge.
DAVE: Wow, a compliment from the master. [walks away]
LANE: I would've thought of it myself, but I let him take the credit.
RORY: Men sometimes need that.
ZACH: I'm telling you dude, it doesn't make any sense.
BRIAN: Fine, stop yelling at me. I didn't write it.
DAVE: Whoa, whoa. Uh, what's wrong?
ZACH: This stupid song, man. "For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe." I mean, who talks like that, the Pope?
BRIAN: Dude, is any of those lemon poppy seed?
DAVE: Well, can't you update it a little?
ZACH: Sure, man. Just tell me what the hell it means. It's like in Latin or something.
BRIAN: I thought there was gonna be coffee, too.
ZACH: Dude, can you chill out about your freaking elevensees til we get this song straightened out?
BRIAN: I'm hypoglycemic. If I don't get something in my system, I'm gonna crash.
DAVE: Is abi-death a word?
RORY: But how are you gonna make Young Chui dump you? Just be a really bad date?
LANE: Oh, no, we've already talked to him. He's totally on board.
RORY: Really?
LANE: Oh, yeah. See, he's in love with this Japanese girl named Karen who his parents don't approve of, so he and Karen see each other secretly while his parents keep setting him up with nice Korean girls. He's the male me.
RORY: Gotcha.
LANE: Hey, you and Jess should come with us to the game tonight. It'll be fun.
RORY: Yeah, I'm not sure what we're doing tonight.
ZACH: [sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a wall ten stories high. And he helps us when things get bad and the devil tries to hurt us."
RORY: What hymn is that?
LANE: I have no idea.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Taylor is in the lobby talking to his family]
TAYLOR: If for some reason, you should get separated from the group, you'll find a map on the third page of your welcome packet.
DOUG: Why'd you draw your store so big?
TAYLOR: It just makes it easier to find if you get lost.
DOUG: It's bigger than the school.
MAN 1: And why'd you put all those P's in soda shop? Is that supposed to fancy or something?
MICHEL: You are in room twelve, and your father is
MAN 2: Are you from France?
MICHEL: Excuse me?
MAN 2: You talk funny. You from France.
MICHEL: Yes. So, as I was saying
MAN 2: I was in France during the Big One.
MICHEL: Oh, that's nice. So -
MAN 2: Nice? It was a w*r. What's nice about that?
MICHEL: Of course. So, your father is
MAN 2: Don't give me that attitude, Frenchy. You'd be speaking German now if it wasn't for me.
LORELAI: Just make sure to have the vans back at 3:45 to take them to the game.
TAYLOR: Oh, Lorelai, just a second. I wanted to
DOUG: Hold on there, what is this?
TAYLOR: That's the itinerary I've worked out for the afternoon. I thought Lorelai could post it in case some of the inn's other guests wanted to join us in our pre-game activities. Oh, Lorelai, this is my older brother Doug. Doug, this is Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hello.
DOUG: Nice to meet you. Taylor, I told you on the phone, no one is gonna wanna do any of this crap. A tour of Stars Hollow? Most of us were born here. What do we need a tour for? Everyone, listen up. We're meeting down here in two hours for the vans to the game. You're late, you're walking. Go back to your store and count peaches or something. I'm taking a nap.
[Lorelai walks toward the front desk]
EMILY: Lorelai, hello.
LORELAI: Mom?
EMILY: You remember, I'm so touched.
LORELAI: What are you doing here?
EMILY: Well, I was thinking about possibly having our next DAR luncheon here.
LORELAI: Really?
EMILY: That's right. So I thought I would stop by and make sure the place is as charming as I remember. It is.
LORELAI: Okay, well, what day would you like to have the meeting?
EMILY: The fifteenth.
LORELAI: The fifteenth. Um, well, the fifteenth looks wide open, so you're officially down for the fifteenth.
EMILY: Wonderful.
LORELAI: Okay.
EMILY: Okay.
LORELAI: So.
EMILY: So, how is Michel?
LORELAI: Michel's fine.
EMILY: Well, good. I'm glad to hear it.
LORELAI: Well, I'm glad to tell it. But Mom, I have this really big family reunion party that inv*de the place today, so I should probably get back to work.
EMILY: Oh, yes, you go right ahead. Do not let me keep you.
LORELAI: Okay. Mom?
EMILY: I'm not allowed to go home.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: She's banished me from my own house
LORELAI: Gran?
EMILY: She's gone mad. This morning she announces that she's hosting a meeting of her bitter old biddies club at our house tonight and she needs the entire day to prepare because the house is in such a shambles.
LORELAI: Nice, subtle.
EMILY: Then I was handed a list of chores and asked not to come home until at least six o'clock because I would simply be in the way.
LORELAI: Mom, she's only staying with you for a few days.
EMILY: I have to buy her flowers. She doesn't like mine, they're too tall. It's ostentatious to have flowers that tall.
LORELAI: Actually, I've been meaning to mention that to you myself.
EMILY: I have to get new guest towels. I have to get new highball glasses. I have to get four very specific types of cheese. And I have to get a slide projector because they're going to view slides of potential acquisitions for the museum that they're on the board of.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom
EMILY: Of course, I haven't the faintest idea of where to find a slide projector. I feel like I'm going insane.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: I'm sorry. I think I'm just a little sensitive right now. It's selfish, I know, but Richard's traveling more than he ever did. He's been gone three of the last four weeks, and now he's finally home, and she's there commanding all of his attention, all of his time. I sound like a spoiled high school girl.
LORELAI: Not quite. You still haven't asked for the Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and the convertible Rabbit.
EMILY: Oh, never mind. I'm sorry I kept you from your work.
LORELAI: Mom, listen, I have a slide projector. I'd be happy to bring it over tonight.
EMILY: Oh, I really appreciate this, Lorelai. I mean it, I couldn't be more grateful.
LORELAI: Hold on.
EMILY: Where are you going?
LORELAI: I wanna get a tape recorder. I want that last thing on tape.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Just remember what you said.
CUT TO KIM RESIDENCE
[The band is setting up for the prayer meeting]
MRS. KIM: You have everything you need water, extension cords?
DAVE: Yes, ma'am, I think we're good.
MRS. KIM: Where's your tambourine?
DAVE: We don't have one.
MRS. KIM: Next time bring one.
[doorbell rings]
ZACH: Dude, remember the drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket?
BRIAN: Totally.
[Mrs. Kim answers the door]
YOUNG CHUI: Good evening.
MRS. KIM: Ah, Young Chui, come in. Lane, look, Young Chui is here.
LANE: Hi.
YOUNG CHUI: Hi. These are for you. [hands her a bouquet of flowers]
LANE: Thank you, they're beautiful. Isn't that nice of him, Mama?
MRS. KIM: Yes, very thoughtful. Stand together now. Don't smile. [takes picture] Very nice. That one's for the grandchildren.
LANE: Well, we better go. We don't wanna be late for the game.
MRS. KIM: I will put these in a vase for you for your bedside table. Now, go have fun.
LANE: We'll be home by nine.
MRS. KIM: Ah, yes, whatever. Go, go.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai is near the front desk as Sookie walks over with a box]
SOOKIE: Oh, thank goodness you haven't left.
LORELAI: Why, what's up?
SOOKIE: Emily called and asked if you can bring some serving dishes. Apparently, hers are tacky.
LORELAI: My, Gran is a relentless old broad, isn't she?
SOOKIE: You want them where?
LORELAI: Just on the counter's fine. Thanks, hon.
[Lorelai calls home]
RORY: Hello?
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: What are you doing there?
RORY: What do you mean, what am I doing here? I live here, remember? Who were you expecting to find?
LORELAI: No one. I was calling to check messages and see if Mom called.
RORY: Well, she hasn't. No one has. In fact, this is the first time the phone's rung all day.
LORELAI: Ah.
RORY: What, ah?
LORELAI: Okay, get out.
RORY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Out of the house, get out of the house.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Why? Look at the clock, what does it say?
RORY: It says six.
LORELAI: So, it is six on a Saturday night, which means you have now spent a day and a night waiting for him to call.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: Well, that's not good, kid. Look, let's say he does call. You can't be the kind of girl that gets all mad in her head and then forgets everything once he deigns to show up, right?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Okay, so don't just sit there waiting. Go out, do something.
RORY: Like what?
LORELAI: I don't know. What's Lane doing tonight?
RORY: She's going to the hockey game with her fake boyfriend.
LORELAI: Perfect.
RORY: Perfect? It's a hockey game.
LORELAI: It'll be fun. There'll be cheerleaders and clowns, people doing the wave.
RORY: You have no idea what a hockey game is, do you?
LORELAI: It doesn't matter. Put on a jacket and get outta there, and if he calls . . .
RORY: Who cares!
LORELAI: That's my girl.
RORY: Thanks, Mom.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily walks into the house carrying several bags. From the hallway, she sees Trix in the living room kissing a man. Emily quietly walks back outside.]
EMILY: Oh my.
CUT TO HOCKEY RINK
[The game is about to start. Miss Patty and Babette stand in the center of the rink singing the National Anthem.]
BABETTE/MISS PATTY: [singing] . . .And the rockets red glare, the b*mb bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh say, does that star spangled banner yet wave, o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.
[Rory walks over to Lane in the stands]
RORY: Hey.
LANE: Rory.
RORY: It's cold in here.
LANE: It's the ice.
RORY: Oh my God, there really is ice. Cool.
LANE: What are you doing here?
RORY: I'm hockeying.
LANE: That's not a word.
RORY: Where is everybody?
LANE: There was a monster truck show in Woodbury tonight, pulls a lot of the same demographic. Sit. Where's Jess?
RORY: Don't know, don't care.
LANE: Really?
RORY: I'm a free woman tonight.
LANE: Is everything okay?
RORY: Everything's fine.
LANE: You sure?
RORY: Absolutely. I just wanted to see some good hockey playing.
LANE: Uh huh.
RORY: Really. Is that Young Chui?
LANE: You mean the guy with the cell phone stapled to his ear yeah, that's him.
RORY: He looks kind of serious.
LANE: He's talking to Karen.
RORY: His real girlfriend?
LANE: I think she's not quite as cool as Dave is about the whole fake dating thing. She needs reassurance.
RORY: Well, Dave is pretty cool.
LANE: The coolest, isn't it? I mean, besides Jess.
RORY: Right.
LANE: Right.
KIRK: People of Stars Hollow, are you ready to rumble? Then let's get it on.
[the referee drops the puck to start the game]
KIRK: And the puck is down as the first quarter begins. Period, sorry. First period begins, my bad.
RORY: So, this is sports.
CUT TO KIM RESIDENCE
[The band is playing at the prayer meeting]
ZACH: [singing] I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see.
WHOLE BAND: [singing] Amen.
MRS. KIM: Very nice. You may now take a fifteen-minute break while we finish our tea. Also, good time to retune.
BRIAN: Was she looking at me?
ZACH: She wasn't looking at me, dude.
DAVE: Hey, I'm gonna, uh, go outside and get some air, okay?
ZACH: Uh, sure.
DAVE: Okay, be right back.
[Dave walks out onto the porch, checks his watch, then starts running down the street]
CUT TO HOCKEY GAME
[Rory and Lane are in line at the snack stand.]
LANE: [on cell phone] Believe me, I am not interested in Young Chui in that way. He's cute and all, but I've got a guy. No, no, when I say he's cute, I just mean he's your boyfriend and you've got good taste, that's all. Hey, Koreans do not have problems! [hands phone to Young Chui] You talk to her, I'm done.
YOUNG CHUI: [on phone] Karen? [walks away]
RORY: That went well.
LINDSAY: Oh.
RORY: Hey Lindsay, how are you?
LANE: Hi Lindsay.
LINDSAY: Hi. I'm good, thanks. Um, how are you?
RORY: Good. You know, just enjoying my first hockey game. It seems there's a lot of bashing of people into walls, which is always good fun in my book.
LINDSAY: Oh, absolutely. I'm all for more bashing.
RORY: You know, I don't think we've seen each other since I left Stars Hollow High. What have you been up to?
LINDSAY: Oh, you know, nothing really. The usual, school.
RORY: Right, sure.
LANE: School. Me too, but you know that since we go to school together.
LINDSAY: Well, I should be getting back. Um, it was good seeing you again.
RORY: You, too.
LANE: Bye.
[Lindsay walks away]
RORY: Okay, so that was weird, right?
LANE: Oh, yeah, really weird.
RORY: But I didn't do anything, did I?
LANE: You mean like ask her how she was? Yeah, you probably made an enemy for life.
RORY: Maybe she's angry because I didn't keep in touch after I left, but we weren't that good of friends.
LANE: Maybe, or it could be that Chilton thing.
RORY: What Chilton thing?
LANE: Well, you know how some people think because you went to Chilton, you're a snob and think you're better than everyone else.
RORY: What? Who thinks that?
LANE: Well, you know, like uh, Julie Lersten, Kristin Keiffer, Jill Allen. Haven't we talked about this?
RORY: No.
[Dave walks up behind them]
DAVE: Hey.
LANE: Dave.
DAVE: Hey Rory.
RORY: Hey.
DAVE: So, where's, uh, where's Young Chui?
LANE: Talking to Karen.
DAVE: Who?
RORY: His girlfriend.
DAVE: Oh, right. That's cool, okay. Well, how's the game?
LANE: The other team's winning.
RORY: But our fans have the best insults. At least, Babette does.
DAVE: Well, that's really what counts in the end.
LANE: So, what are you doing here? Did you finish already?
DAVE: Oh, no. You're mom gave us a fifteen minute break. I just thought I'd swing by.
LANE: But it's more than a mile away.
DAVE: Yeah, I better get back. I'll see you later.
LANE: Bye.
[Dave leaves]
RORY: Well, well, well. If I didn't know better, I'd say someone isn't quite as cool as we thought he was.
LANE: What do you mean? He's jealous. Oh my God, he's jealous, that's so great.
RORY: You've worked your womanly wiles on him, Lane Kim.
LANE: I've never made a guy jealous before. I feel so powerful.
RORY: Just remember, there's cute jealous and there's Othello.
LANE: Good point.
RORY: So, who else thinks I'm a snob?
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks into the front entryway as there's a knock at the door. She opens it.]
LORELAI: Jess.
JESS: Hey, is Rory here?
LORELAI: Are you serious?
JESS: Yeah, I'm serious.
LORELAI: No, I'm serious. Are you serious?
JESS: Why do you keep asking me if I'm serious?
LORELAI: Because I'm just trying to imagine the scenario here. You looked at the clock that said it was 7:30 on a Saturday night and you thought to yourself, "Hey, Rory must be home."
JESS: Yes.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, are you serious?
JESS: Okay, I'm guessing that's your way of telling me she's not home.
LORELAI: No, Jess, she's not home.
JESS: Do you know where she is?
LORELAI: She's at the hockey game.
JESS: Hey, look, you don't wanna tell me where she is, fine.
LORELAI: Jess, she really is at the hockey game. You'd know that if you'd what, ladies and gentlemen? That's right bothered to call.
JESS: Why are you hassling me?
LORELAI: Well, mostly because I'm here to hassle you. Now, if you'd bothered calling, maybe Rory would be here to hassle you.
JESS: Hey, Rory knows I'm not the kind of guy who lives by a schedule.
LORELAI: Yes, and look what the guy who doesn't live by a schedule ends up doing on a Saturday night talking to his girlfriend's mother.
JESS: Whatever.
LORELAI: Hey, Jess. You like music, right? The Beach Boys said it best. None of the guys go steady cause it wouldn't be right to leave their best girls home on a Saturday night. Rory is one of the best girls. She's the best girl, if you want my opinion, and you don't seem to have the first idea as to how she should be treated.
JESS: Well, luckily I've got you to tell me.
LORELAI: Not anymore. You and I have discussed your relationship with Rory long enough.
JESS: Fine.
LORELAI: I'll tell her you stopped by.
JESS: Don't bother. [leaves]
LORELAI: Brian Hutchins is looking pretty good right about now.
CUT TO HOCKEY GAME
[Rory and Lane are carrying their food back to their seats]
RORY: If I had known sports were so much about eating, I would've come to a lot more of these.
LANE: I know. There's something deeply satisfying about watching other people exercise while eating junk food.
KIRK: Ten minutes til the next period, ladies and gentlemen. That's what we call them in hockey periods, not halves. Let's try to keep that straight. Also, the puck is never referred to as a ball, not according to the book. Again, my bad.
[Rory and Lane see Dean and Lindsay kissing]
LANE: I guess it wasn't the Chilton thing after all.
CUT TO LATER IN THE HOCKEY GAME
KIRK: Number twelve has it now. He's skating, he's skating. My bet is he's going to try to whack it into that net thingy, but that's conjecture at this point. Now it's going the other way and they're hitting it between them. Number seven has it. Now number three. Now seven. Three again. Seven. Ten's got it now.
[Dean skates over to Kirk]
DEAN: Kirk, just to let you know, some of the guys not me, you know but some of the guys say they're gonna rip your head off if you don't shut up, okay?
KIRK: We'll be pausing for a short break.
CROWD: [cheers] We've got spirit, yes we do! We've got spirit, how about you?
LANE: You sure you're okay?
RORY: Will you stop asking me that every five seconds? I'm fine. I mean, it had to happen sometime. I didn't expect him to just sit around pining for me. Okay, a little, but she's really nice, right?
LANE: This is all my fault.
RORY: Lane.
LANE: I let you down. I'm supposed to be your eyes and ears in that school, and here's the biggest piece of news all year and I had no idea.
RORY: It's okay.
LANE: No, it's not. This is an intelligence gaffe of monumental proportions. What was I doing that I didn't notice this?
RORY: Studying, taking classes.
LANE: Well, no more.
RORY: Lane, it's not a big deal, really. And now I know, so, case closed.
LANE: You're sure?
RORY: Positive. Let's just enjoy the game.
PLAYER: No way!
KIRK: Excuse me, will you tell me what happened? Excuse me, number fourteen? Number fourteen, could you come back here?
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings. The maid opens the door. Lorelai is standing there with the slide projector and the box of serving dishes]
LORELAI: Hi. Just came to drop off some things.
MAID: Oh, I can take those.
LORELAI: Oh, great, thanks. [hands them to her] Careful, it's heavy.
MAID: Everyone's in the living room if you wanna go in.
LORELAI: Uh, if I wanna go in, if I wanna go in. Well, you pose a very deep and philosophical question there, but I think I'll just
[Emily walks over]
EMILY: Lorelai. I thought I heard your voice.
LORELAI: Yes, I brought the slide machine and the platters and the punch bowl.
EMILY: Wonderful. Come in and meet everyone, won't you?
LORELAI: I was just gonna do that.
[cut to the living room. Trix and her friends are looking at slides]
MRS. VAN WYCK: It's obscene.
TRIX: It's Picasso.
MRS. VAN WYCK: Then Picasso is obscene.
TRIX: Oh, Isabelle.
MRS. VAN WYCK: It has six breasts.
TRIX: You cannot be sure if those are breasts. They could be canons. He was quite obsessed with the Spanish Civil w*r for awhile.
EMILY: Ladies, look who's here.
TRIX: Lorelai, wonderful. We all need a break for a moment. Come meet my friends. Emily, we were waiting for iced tea or am I imagining things?
EMILY: It's on its way, Mom.
TRIX: So is death. Lorelai, this is Mrs. Van Wyck, Mrs. Deerborne, Mrs. Rutherman. This is my granddaughter, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Nice to meet you all.
TRIX: Well, come, sit.
LORELAI: Oh, I don't want to interrupt anything.
TRIX: You're interrupting nothing but thirst, my dear. Now, talk to some old women, tell us what it's like to be young.
LORELAI: Not nearly as much fun since the mandatory sunscreen rule, I'll tell ya.
[the maid brings in a platter]
EMILY: Here we go, iced tea and sandwiches.
TRIX: [picks up a glass] Too warm. Do you know that Lorelai's daughter is graduating from Chilton in June?
[Emily walks over to the drink cart to put ice in the glass]
EMILY: [sings] Love in the afternoon. . .
TRIX: She is an excellent student and may. . .
EMILY: La, la, la, la, la. . .
TRIX: Emily, what are you doing?
EMILY: I'm sorry?
TRIX: Why are you singing like that?
EMILY: Was I signing? I didn't realize. Here's your tea, Mom. I certainly hope it's cold enough.
LORELAI: Um, I brought the slide projector over. Would you like me to set it up?
TRIX: That would be fine. We can start watching now since I do not anticipate dinner being served anywhere near the time I requested.
EMILY: [sings] Our hearts are filled with joy. . .
TRIX: Emily you're doing it again.
EMILY: I was?
TRIX: Yes, you were.
EMILY: Huh. You know, it's because I caught some of "Love in the Afternoon" the other day, the movie. Have you seen it, Mom?
TRIX: I don't believe I have.
EMILY: Oh, well, it's wonderful. And a wonderful concept, too, don't you think? Anyway, I must have the music stuck in my head. That must be why I'm singing it. I mean, what else could it be, hm?
LORELAI: Hey, Mom, how bout we go get some of that cheese you bought for the ladies, huh? I'll help you. Come on. We'll be right back.
[Lorelai and Emily walk into the kitchen]
LORELAI: Okay, what is going on?
EMILY: I saw her kissing a man.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: When I came home today, I walked in and I saw her standing in the living room kissing a man.
LORELAI: Gran?
EMILY: Yes.
LORELAI: My Gran?
EMILY: Yes.
LORELAI: My Gran was kissing a man?
EMILY: In a purple velour jogging suit.
LORELAI: Gran was in a purple velour jogging suit?
EMILY: No, the man was wearing a purple jogging suit.
LORELAI: And you're sure they were kissing?
EMILY: One hundred percent sure.
LORELAI: My God. Was he hot?
EMILY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Well, I don't know what you're supposed to ask when you hear your grandmother's been making out with a guy.
EMILY: I don't know if he was hot. Your grandmother sucking face was blocking my view.
LORELAI: What'd she do? Did she see you?
EMILY: No. After my heart started back up again, I went outside and hid in the bushes until he left.
LORELAI: Okay, now I have two really good visuals fighting for top billing here.
EMILY: Do you realize how wonderful this is?
LORELAI: Yeah, I guess it's wonderful, Gran has a guy.
EMILY: No, what's wonderful is after all these years of her abuse, her condescension, her insults and her degrading comments, after all these years of pure unadulterated hell, I finally have something to hold over her.
LORELAI: Oh, Mom.
EMILY: Finally, I have the upper hand. Finally, I have something to nail her with. Finally, that woman is going down.
LORELAI: You cannot use this against Gran.
EMILY: Yes, I can, I've earned it.
LORELAI: Mom, I know Gran gives you a hard time, but she did not tell anyone about this guy for a reason.
EMILY: Yes, because she's embarrassed. She should be. He was dressed like a bookie.
LORELAI: You have to be above this.
EMILY: No, I don't have to be above this.
LORELAI: You're seriously telling me that you're gonna be the one to go out there and humiliate Gran in front of her friends, in front of her family. Just think about it, Mom. What would Miss Manners do?
EMILY: It's not fair.
LORELAI: Gran will be back in her own house soon.
EMILY: I know, you're right.
LORELAI: Just hang on til then.
EMILY: All right, let's go back in there and get this evening over with.
LORELAI: You're a stand up lady, Emily Gilmore, you know that?
EMILY: Oh really? Well, that makes me feel so much better.
[they walk back to the living room]
MRS. VAN WYCK: And is this normal, Richard, to be getting home from work so late?
RICHARD: Oh, that's one of the pitfalls of starting your own business, I'm afraid.
TRIX: You should say, of starting a successful business, Richard.
RICHARD: Successful so far, Trix. Let's not jinx it.
TRIX: Though, perhaps if Emily could have the meal served on time, Richard would have more inducement to get home at a reasonable hour.
EMILY: I saw her kissing a man in a track suit!
RICHARD: What?
TRIX: Emily!
CUT TO HOCKEY GAME
[The game is over. People are filing out of the stands]
KIRK: Well, ladies and gentlemen, much like the Israelites of Yore, the Stars Hollow Minutemen languished in the desert for forty years. But tonight, there was no Promised Land, no New Canaan, only a humiliating five to one defeat at the merciless hands of the West Hartford Wildcats. So it's back to the desert for the Minutemen, perhaps for another forty years. Of course, by then, I'll be seventy years old. A lot of the rest of you will probably be d*ad. Taylor, you'll be d*ad. Babette, Miss Patty. . .that man there in the hat.
LANE: Hey, if we run, we might be able to catch the last few minutes of the band.
RORY: Yeah, I don't think the pint of liquid cheese in my stomach is going to allow for much running.
LANE: I'll call you tomorrow.
RORY: Definitely. Have fun.
YOUNG CHUI: Bye.
RORY: Bye.
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Dean. Hey, how are you? Oh, God, that's a stupid question to ask someone who just lost the regional semi-finals, isn't it? And now it sounds like I'm rubbing your face in it.
DEAN: Don't worry about it. They were better than us, they deserved to win.
RORY: And hey, at least you got a point. That's good, right? I mean, better than not getting any. Geez, I really suck at this post-sports talk.
DEAN: Well, you haven't had much practice.
RORY: True. But who knows, I might be a sports convert. I mean, the eating of massive amounts of junk food, and listening to Kirk make a fool of himself in front of a bunch of people all things I enjoy.
DEAN: In fact, you could almost get rid of the sports part of it.
RORY: That's what I was going to say. So, I ran into Lindsay.
DEAN: Yeah, I hadn't quite figured out how to tell you that.
RORY: Well, I think it's great.
DEAN: You do?
RORY: Absolutely. I mean, she's cute and smart and really nice.
DEAN: I know.
RORY: Like once, in fourth grade, we went on a field trip to Mark Twain's house, and I really wanted this refrigerator magnet in the shape of Mark Twain's head, but I didn't have any money, so she bought it for me, and she wouldn't even let me pay her back. Pretty classy for a fourth grader.
DEAN: That sounds like Lindsay.
RORY: Exactly. So, good job, mister.
DEAN: Thanks. So, how are things with Jess?
RORY: Oh, good, good.
DEAN: He's not with you?
RORY: No. This really isn't his kind of thing.
DEAN: Yeah. Well, uh, I'd better go. I gotta change and then Lindsay and I are going out.
RORY: Right. Sure. Have fun.
[Dean leaves. Rory walks to a pay phone and calls Jess]
LUKE: [on answering machine] You've reached Luke Danes and Jess Mariano, leave a message.
RORY: It's me. I just wanted to let you know that this is the last weekend I spend sitting around like an idiot hoping you'll call, okay? I'm not going to be that girl. From now on, I want a plan. I mean, a real plan with a time and a place, and I'm tired of hearing Let's hook up later.' What does that mean anyway? What's later? How do I set my watch to later? Later doesn't cut it anymore, got it? And, yeah, you know, maybe I am spoiled. But guess what? I like being spoiled. I plan to go on being spoiled. And if that doesn't sound like something that you can or want to do, then fine. I'm sure you'll find another girl who doesn't mind sitting around cleaning her keyboard on a Friday night hoping you'll call, but it's not going to be me. Oh, yeah, this is a message for Jess.
[Rory walks outside and sees Jess leaning against his car]
JESS: Hey. Figured I'd find you here. I mean, you say the word hockey, you say the word Rory, right?
RORY: What are you doing here?
JESS: Came to give you these.
RORY: Earplugs. What are these for?
JESS: I got tickets to the Distillers.
RORY: You did? For when?
JESS: For tonight.
RORY: Tonight? But
JESS: I would've been here sooner, but I had to wait in line. So we should probably get going. I mean, we don't wanna miss anything, right?
RORY: Hey, Jess?
JESS: Yeah?
RORY: When you get home, could you erase your answering machine without listening to any of the messages? That'd be great, thanks.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Trix is lying in bed. There's a knock at the door]
GRAN: Come in.
[Emily walks in]
EMILY: I brought you some aspirin. It's the buffered kind that you like. Is there anything else that you need?
GRAN: No, thank you.
EMILY: Mom, I want to apologize for what I said downstairs. I had no right to humiliate you like that, in front of your friends, in front of Richard. This relationship was something you had chosen to keep private and I should have respected that. I am truly sorry. He seemed like a very nice man. Why didn't you tell anyone about him?
GRAN: I married once, I married Richard's father. That was my husband. I have no desire to marry again and dishonor his memory.
EMILY: I understand.
GRAN: I believe a woman marries for life. If, after your husband is gone, you desperately desire some sort of permanent attachment, add an addition onto the house a library or a solarium. I have a library and a solarium.
EMILY: Yes, you do.
GRAN: However, in spite of all this, I found myself getting lonely. And I don't care for being lonely, it's quite annoying. So many years ago, I met a man, and he became my companion. Tonight, both he and I were both publicly humiliated and our relationship altered forever. Can you imagine how that feels?
EMILY: Actually, I've had a little experience with being humiliated in front of the people I love, yes. Mom, please believe me, I know how important your pride is to you, and I never had any intention of robbing you of it. I feel terrible that I caused you any pain. I just wish that once in awhile, you might feel a little bit terrible that you cause me pain. I have pride, too, you know. And my husband travels and is very busy and I miss him and I'm lonely sometimes, just like you.
GRAN: Well.
CUT TO DOWNSTAIRS
[Lorelai and Richard are in the living room]
LORELAI: So that was quite a gathering.
RICHARD: Yes, it was.
LORELAI: It would make a great Christmas story. I mean, I know it didn't happen at Christmas, but it's the kind of thing that would happen at Christmas, so it's not like if you told someone it did happen at Christmas, they'd go, Really? Cause it doesn't sound like a Christmas story.' Thanksgiving would probably work also. Listen, Dad, I know you're a little upset with Mom right now, and I'm probably out of line in saying this, but you might wanna think about cutting her some slack. She's really missed you lately. I mean, you work so much and then you're helping Gran in your free time, which is totally understandable, but still, it's hard. As much as Gran likes you, she tends to be a littler rough on Mom, and I think Mom just kind of snapped. She'd never do anything like that intentionally. You do know that, Dad, right?
[Richard starts laughing]
LORELAI: Dad? Okay, apparently it's two-for-one flip out night at the Gilmore house.
RICHARD: Do you really think he was wearing a track suit?
LORELAI: I don't. . .
RICHARD: Well, I wonder if he was wearing Nike's also.
LORELAI: Just Do It takes on a whole new meaning, doesn't it?
RICHARD: I guess I've got a new daddy.
LORELAI: Maybe he'll take you to ball games.
RICHARD: Oh, we could get matching jogging suits. Oh, if only I could've seen Emily hiding in the bushes. It's like a play by Moliere.
[Emily walks down the steps]
EMILY: What are you two cackling about?
RICHARD: Oh, nothing.
LORELAI: Yeah, nothing.
EMILY: Well, don't stop on my account. I'm just passing through.
RICHARD: Where are you going?
EMILY: We're going to have tea.
LORELAI: They're going to have tea?
RICHARD: That's a first.
LORELAI: Maybe they're going to be pals now.
RICHARD: I don't know how I feel about my mother and my wife being in cahoots.
LORELAI: I don't know how I feel about you saying the word cahoots.
RICHARD: Well, this alliance could make things very uncomfortable for me.
[Emily walks past them with a tray of tea]
EMILY: Sending a maid down to tell me how to make tea, as if I don't know after all these years. Guess she'll have a coronary if the water hits the cup one second before the bag.
LORELAI: I think you're safe.
RICHARD: I think so, too.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is eating at the kitchen table when Rory comes home]
LORELAI: Hey, how was the game?
RORY: Fun, we got clobbered.
LORELAI: Oh. If you'd won, you could've rioted through town trashing storefronts and torching police cars like they do in L.A.
RORY: Maybe next year.
LORELAI: What'd you do after?
RORY: Oh, you know, just hung out.
LORELAI: With Lane and her fake boyfriend?
RORY: Uh huh. I thought you were eating at Grandma's.
LORELAI: Oh, yes, and there's a story behind that.
RORY: Can it wait til tomorrow? I'm really exhausted.
LORELAI: It's a good story.
RORY: I'm sure. I just won't be able to fully appreciate it in my weakened state. And this gives you extra time to practice your voices.
LORELAI: Fine, fine. Let me just say two words jogging suit.
RORY: Jogging suit.
LORELAI: See, you're hooked.
RORY: Yeah, well, now I'm definitely waking up tomorrow.
LORELAI: Night honey.
RORY: Night Mom.
[Rory walks into her bedroom and lies down on her bed]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x15 - Face-Off"} | foreverdreaming |
3.16 - The Big One
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Jamie Babbit
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are both reading in the living room. Lorelai glances out the window]
LORELAI: Mail!
RORY: Mail!
LORELAI: Hurry up! Where are your shoes?
RORY: I'll get them later.
LORELAI: No, get them now.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Why? Because if your Harvard acceptance letter is in that batch of mail and you do not have shoes on, we can't run off immediately and celebrate. All of our happiness will be on hold until you come back inside and put on your shoes. Is that what you want to put a hold on happiness?
RORY: What's the difference if we wait then or we wait now?
LORELAI: Because we are not happy now.
RORY: Right, okay. [runs to her bedroom]
LORELAI: No laces, just get them on your feet.
RORY: [runs back with shoes on] Let's go!
[they run outside to the mailbox. Kirk is going through his mailbag]
LORELAI: Kirk!
RORY: Kirk!
KIRK: Good morning, ladies.
LORELAI: Is there an envelope in there?
RORY: A big envelope, not a little envelope.
LORELAI: Yeah, a big envelope means she's in, a little envelope means she needs to marry rich.
KIRK: Just one second, please.
RORY: Aren't you supposed to go through the mail before you get here?
KIRK: Some work that way. Personally, I think it takes the spontaneity out of the job.
LORELAI: Need some help?
KIRK: Sorry, federal law prohibits it.
RORY: Any chance you could go faster?
LORELAI: Yeah, you got a girl's future in that sack of yours, Santa.
RORY: Thank you for adding the Santa.
LORELAI: Any time.
KIRK: You know what I've noticed?
LORELAI: It wouldn't be any mail in there with our names on it, would it?
KIRK: I've noticed people don't slow down anymore.
RORY: Guess I've got time to tie my shoes.
LORELAI: Yes, well, cobble yourself a new pair Daniel Day Lewis.
KIRK: No one stops to smell a nice flower or look at a puppy.
LORELAI: You're absolutely right.
[Kirk pulls a large envelope out of his mailbag]
KIRK: No one stops to ask how you're doing. . .is your family well, did you see that game last night?
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, people suck. Is that ours?
KIRK: What? Oh. [checks envelope] Mrs. Rita Flora. Nope.
RORY: Rats.
LORELAI: It could still be in there.
KIRK: Rita Flora didn't she die?
LORELAI: While you were delivering her mail?
KIRK: She did die. She died last week.
LORELAI: Kirk.
KIRK: They're supposed to put your mail on hold when you die.
LORELAI: Okay, let's go back inside.
RORY: What about the envelope?
LORELAI: We'll check back on our way to Luke's. . .for dinner.
KIRK: [pulls out another envelope] Hey, one for Kirk.
[opening credits]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai, Rory and Lane are sitting at a table. Lane is tapping her drumsticks on a jar]
LANE: It's getting frustrating. I mean, there's so many great songs that have been written post-Cobain, but try and convince Zach of that. I mean, he's impossible, stubborn, and just a tad intellectually challenged, in case you haven't noticed.
LORELAI: Lane, honey?
LANE: Yeah?
LORELAI: Just, could you, with the sticks there, I can't. . .
LANE: Oh, sorry. Nervous habit.
RORY: Mom's a little crabby this morning.
LORELAI: I'm not crabby, I'm very, very ill.
RORY: With allergies.
LORELAI: Deadly allergies.
RORY: Sorry, didn't mean to minimize your condition. Should we make funeral arrangements now?
LORELAI: Yes. [pulls some medicine out of her purse] But make sure you can get your money back in case this stuff works.
RORY: Where did you get those?
LORELAI: Found them in your room.
RORY: These expired in 98.
LORELAI: So, what, I should take four?
RORY: Yes, that's exactly my point.
[Luke walks over and sets some menus on the table]
LUKE: Here.
RORY: New menus.
LANE: Very fancy.
LORELAI: Why'd you get new menus?
LUKE: It was time.
LORELAI: But I had made little doodles with my name hidden in them on each one of the old ones just like Hirschfeld.
LUKE: Sorry.
LORELAI: It took me years to h*t every menu. And these have super heavy plastic over them. How am I gonna doodle?
LUKE: Has it ever occurred to you that the super heavy plastic is there to discourage the doodling?
RORY: Hey, this looks different.
LUKE: It's not different.
LANE: It's totally different.
LUKE: It's not that different.
LORELAI: There are more salads.
RORY: Three more salads.
LORELAI: Three more salads who needs three more salads?
RORY: One was enough.
LUKE: Well, Nicole said
LORELAI: Nicole said.
LUKE: There wasn't really that much for her to eat on the menu, so I just. . .
LORELAI: Oh, you added three more salads just for Nicole. When I asked you to add chili-topped Pringles, you said no.
LUKE: And I stand by that.
LORELAI: How come Nicole gets three salads and I still get a no?
RORY: Because Nicole is his girlfriend.
LUKE: Nicole is not my girlfriend, Nicole is the woman that I am dating, that's it.
LORELAI: So what happens when you guys get serious, the whole place goes soy?
LUKE: Just order, please.
LANE: Did you take off the Monte Cristo sandwich?
LUKE: Well, I
RORY: No!
LORELAI: You did, you took off the Monte Cristo sandwich.
LUKE: I omitted a few obsolete dishes.
LORELAI: I can't believe Nicole made you take off the Monte Cristo. She's got you menu-whipped.
LUKE: She does not have me menu-whipped. I took off a disgusting ridiculous sandwich that no one has ever ordered, including the three of you.
RORY: But just having it there made us feel like we always could.
LORELAI: It was comforting.
RORY: Like soup.
LORELAI: Exactly. It was comforting like deep-fried ham and cheese soup.
RORY: And even though I never ordered it, I talked about ordering it, haven't I?
LANE: On several occasions.
LORELAI: So you've not only eliminated a sandwich, you've eliminated a conversation piece.
RORY: Now what will we talk about?
LUKE: Fine.
[Luke walks to the counter and returns with some old menus]
LUKE: Here. Old menus, everything's there. Knock yourselves out.
LORELAI: How come everybody else gets a new menu? [Luke walks away] I feel much better now.
CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM
[A teacher is passing back papers]
TEACHER: Well, I must say I'm glad to see that simply because the SATs are over, most of you are still taking your classwork seriously. Most of you.
LOUISE: Michael Mason. Worth every wrong answer.
TEACHER: All right, before we continue, I would like to remind you that the Chilton Bicentennial celebration takes place next week.
LOUISE: Number four. [shows off her hickey]
MADELINE: Well done.
TEACHER: The official sign up sheet for the speech contest has gone up in the back of the room. The contest will be held on Friday, and the winner will present their speech at the ceremony next week. Now, some of you may be saying to yourself, Hey, I already turned in my college application. Why should I spend all this time entering a speech competition, which if I win means I have to give up a Friday night, when I can't even use it for my resume? What's in it for me?'
MADELINE: Wow, that was spooky.
TEACHER: Yes, the speech will not go on your record. However, the bicentennial is going to be quite a prestigious affair. Past alumni and faculty will be there, some of these people are now professors at the same schools you're planning an attending. Plus, C-SPAN will be broadcasting the event live. All in all, it's shaping up to be a very exciting event. Think about it. [bell rings] Oh, I almost forgot to welcome back Brad Langford. He returns to us fresh from Broadway where he's just completed a successful run of Into the Woods. Welcome back, Brad.
BRAD: Thank you. It's good to be back.
PARIS: Sit down, Mary Martin.
TEACHER: All right everyone, have a lovely rest of the day. I will see you tomorrow.
[the students start to leave. Brad walks up to Rory]
BRAD: Rory, hi.
RORY: Hey Brad, good to have you back. How was Broadway?
BRAD: It was great, but Nathan Lane is a very bitter man.
RORY: I've heard that.
BRAD: You know, I tell you, even more than the actual experience of performing live, the confidence it gives you in every aspect of your life, that's the most amazing thing.
RORY: Well, you do look rather confident.
BRAD: Hey, it's the new me.
[Madeline and Louise walk over]
LOUISE: So, Brad. . .Broadway, I must know.
BRAD: Yes?
LOUISE: Did you get to keep your makeup?
MADELINE: What about your costumes, cause that seems great.
LOUISE: Ooh, unless you're doing Les Mis.
MADELINE: Or Cats.
LOUISE: Furry spandex with a tail and jazz shoes?
MADELINE: Hurrah. So, do you?
BRAD: Do I?
MADELINE: Get to keep the makeup?
BRAD: I didn't ask.
LOUISE: You didn't ask?
MADELINE: How do you leave the house every morning and not have a piano fall on your head?
BRAD: Well, I make a left on Federal and then
RORY: Brad, that really didn't require an answer.
[Paris walks over]
PARIS: You're blocking the list.
RORY: What's that? Will we please move so you may sign up for the speech contest? Why, yes, Paris, we'd be happy to. How kind of you to phrase it in that very respectful manner.
PARIS: Are you going to move, or do you need a five, six, seven, eight?
BRAD: Paris, this time on stage has been a very growing experience for me. I'm no longer intimidated by you or people like you.
PARIS: I'm thrilled to hear it, Chita Rivera. Move. Well, Gilmore, I certainly hope you're signing up, too. It'll be my last chance to trounce you with anything at this school.
RORY: My decision to do this will in no way depend on you, Paris.
PARIS: I'm only saying it won't be a totally satisfying victory just beating Jerome Robbins and the rest of the losers here. I'd really like to take you down also.
BRAD: Boy, she is really up on her theater references.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Sookie, surrounded by her kitchen staff, has several plates of food on the counter in front of her]
SOOKIE: This is outrageous. I am beyond offended. Did you tell them I'm beyond offended? Sending my food back? That's it, get their names, they're never eating here again.
WAITER: Okay.
SOOKIE: Wait, what wine was he drinking?
WAITER: 1952 Chateau Petrus Bordeaux.
SOOKIE: Hm. Okay, never mind.
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey, is everything okay?
SOOKIE: No, we have got to have a better screening system for customers here.
LORELAI: Yes, we do, since we currently have no screening system for customers here.
SOOKIE: They sent it back. My food. My four star, you haven't lived til you've eaten there, says Ruth Reichl,' food.
LORELAI: What did they say was wrong?
SOOKIE: You name it. Too salty, too hot, too sewer-y.
LORELAI: Honey, calm down. Some people are just stupid.
SOOKIE: Yes, they are stupid, and stupid people have stupid friends, and they all have to come here and be stupid together.
LORELAI: Okay, now, don't be mad at me, but I have to ask this are you sure there's nothing wrong with the food?
SOOKIE: Of course there's nothing wrong with the food. You don't think that I would know if something was wrong with my food? You don't think that I tasted every last dish that was sent back. I tasted it, Manuel tasted it, Rico tasted it, Louella tasted it. We all tasted it and it tastes fine.
LORELAI: Okay. Do you mind?
SOOKIE: You don't believe me?
LORELAI: I believe you completely, but it's easier for me to take on those who doubt you if I actually tasted it myself.
SOOKIE: Fine, go ahead.
[Lorelai tries the food]
LORELAI: Okay, now I get the sewer-y reference.
SOOKIE: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Come here. [to waiter] Just, uh, send them out some free desserts.
SOOKIE: Free desserts? You're giving the stupid people free desserts.
LORELAI: Sookie, I love you.
SOOKIE: I love you, too.
LORELAI: Okay, and I love your food, you know that.
SOOKIE: Yeah.
LORELAI: But I have to tell you that that bite I just had over there is one of the worst things I've ever tasted, and I've tasted some very bad things.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Are you sure you didn't just accidentally drop something in the food tonight, like, I don't know, uh, strychnine or manure?
SOOKIE: No, I tested each dish every step of the way. I mean, the base, the stock, the sauce, the seasonings.
LORELAI: Are you sick? Cause sometimes the flu or a cold or even allergies can throw your tastebuds off.
SOOKIE: No, I'm not sick. I mean, I had a little bug last week, but nothing today.
LORELAI: Well, I think you should think about getting a checkup. Maybe it was more than a little bug.
SOOKIE: The food was really bad?
LORELAI: Oh, honey, it was just. . .well, yeah, it was really that bad.
SOOKIE: I don't understand it.
LORELAI: Ah, I'm sure it was nothing. Just have Manuel help you with the tasting for the rest of the night, okay?
[Rory walks into the kitchen]
RORY: Paris is going to drive me completely insane. Ooh, that looks good.
ENTIRE KITCHEN STAFF: No!
RORY: Geez.
LORELAI: Be happy you're loved, hon. I got a Kit Kat in my purse.
[Lorelai and Rory walk into the lobby]
RORY: What's up?
LORELAI: I don't know. It's weird, Sookie must be sick or something.
RORY: Sookie never gets sick.
LORELAI: She'll be fine. So, tell me, what did Paris do now?
RORY: It's nothing, it's just Paris. There's this speech contest for the bicentennial, and I wasn't even going to enter it, but I don't know with the whole it's my last chance to crush you before graduation' comment, I want to enter, I want to win, and I wanna dance around her saying I win, I win, I win!'
LORELAI: Wow, you're getting more and more like me everyday.
RORY: But I know, it was petty and stupid and I should probably just ignore her.
LORELAI: Yes, that is what you should do.
RORY: Okay, that is what I will do.
LORELAI: How come you weren't gonna enter the contest?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: You love doing school things.
RORY: I don't love doing school things when it involves the entire school staring at me while I'm doing them.
LORELAI: You had to give your vice presidential acceptance speech in front of the entire school.
RORY: Yeah, but I had to do that.
LORELAI: Oh, so you're just gonna go through life only doing what you have to do.
RORY: Well, no.
LORELAI: Because a person who wants to be a foreign correspondent for a living should probably embrace the opportunity to practice her speechin' skills in front of a crowd.
RORY: You had the motherly edge going there until you threw in the speechin' skills comment.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, you know what I mean.
RORY: I know what you mean. Okay, I'll go out for the speech.
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: And if I get to do the I win, I win, I win' dance, then so much the better.
LORELAI: For everyone involved.
RORY: Mmhmm.
LORELAI: Oh my God. Oh my God.
[Lorelai walks across the lobby. Sookie is walking toward her]
LORELAI: You're pregnant!
SOOKIE: I'm pregnant!
[they scream and jump up and down]
SOOKIE: Oh my God, I'm pregnant!
RORY: You're pregnant?
SOOKIE: I'm pregnant!
LORELAI: That's why!
SOOKIE: I'm pregnant!
RORY: That's great!
[they all scream and hug]
CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY
[Students are outside a classroom awaiting their turns in the speech contest. Paris walks up to a girl and looks at her speech]
PARIS: Huh.
GIRL: What?
PARIS: That just looks like more than four thousand words, but I'm sure you counted them.
GIRL: I did.
PARIS: Good. [to another girl] Hey Shelly, good luck. Although I'm sure you're going to be great. After all, there's hardly anything on stage for you to trip over this time, right? [sits down next to Brad; sings] I've got my beans at Grandma's house, my magic beans at Grandma's house.
BRAD: Stop it.
PARIS: [sings] I'll take my beans, my magic beans, who's got the beans, we need some beans, I love the beans.
BRAD: You can't rattle me.
PARIS: [sings] Into the woods at Grandma's house.
BRAD: Look, I'm proud of my part, okay? The New York Times called me winningly naïve.
PARIS: [sings] Into the woods, into the woods, into the woods.
RORY: Stop it right now.
PARIS: I know, that is one annoying song.
RORY: Leave Brad alone, and stop terrorizing everyone in this hallway.
PARIS: Terrorizing? What are you talking about, terrorizing? I'm simply talking to my fellow classmates.
RORY: You're trying to scare them into doing badly so you'll win easier.
PARIS: I am not.
RORY: Oh really? And that magical bean recital back there?
PARIS: Hey, I was trying to give the kid some human contact. He's been talking to nothing but a cow for a year and a half.
BRAD: There was a person inside that cow, I've told you that!
TEACHER: [walks out of classroom] Brad Langford.
BRAD: I'm winningly naïve.
TEACHER: Okay.
PARIS: Brad, you got your beans?
RORY: Stop. Go Brad, you'll do great.
[Brad walks into the classroom]
RORY: It's amazing how you manage to hide those bolts on the side of your neck. What is that, just really good cover up?
PARIS: Rory, lower your voice. People are trying to concentrate.
RORY: Wow.
PARIS: Wow what?
RORY: Your speech must really suck.
PARIS: Excuse me?
RORY: I mean, if you're going to all this trouble to psych out everyone else, then you must know you have a loser there.
PARIS: Mind games. Not your forte, cupcake. Stick to talking to losers off the train tracks, will you?
RORY: You're horrible.
PARIS: And I'm going to win. [a girl sits next to her] Cherry, hi. Man those braces are shiny.
CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD
[Lorelai walks out of the house toward the Jeep; her cell phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers phone] Hello
SOOKIE: It's me.
LORELAI: Every detail, leave nothing out.
SOOKIE: Well, I told him.
LORELAI: Did he flip? Did he cry? Did he scream?
SOOKIE: No.
LORELAI: No? Did he hear you?
SOOKIE: Yeah, he heard me.
LORELAI: I don't understand, what happened?
SOOKIE: Well, I came home and I got some flowers and I chilled some glasses and I put some music on and I opened a bottle of champagne, and the cork broke the window so I had to clean up the glass, and then I taped some cardboard over the hole, and then I knocked over the bottle of champagne, so I had to get out the mop.
LORELAI: My finger's hitting the fast forward button, hon.
SOOKIE: So, he came home and I handed him a beer, and I smiled and I kissed him and I told him he was gonna be a daddy.
LORELAI: And then he did what?
SOOKIE: Then he got out the calculator.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: He's been crunching numbers for two hours.
LORELAI: He didn't say anything?
SOOKIE: No.
LORELAI: Mr. I-want-four-in-four' hears he can check off number one and he says nothing?
SOOKIE: Okay, not nothing.
LORELAI: Thank you.
SOOKIE: Every fifteen minutes, he says, Oh, boy.'
LORELAI: Oh, boy' like Oh, boy!'?
SOOKIE: No, Oh, boy' like Oh, boy.'
JACKSON: [in background] Oh, boy.
SOOKIE: Did you hear that?
LORELAI: Well, maybe he's in shock.
JACKSON: Oh, boy.
SOOKIE: Maybe.
JACKSON: Oh, boy.
LORELAI: Honey, I'd go in there and take that calculator away from him if I were you.
SOOKIE: This wasn't how it was supposed to go.
LORELAI: I know, sweetie, but give it time. It's a big thing.
SOOKIE: He said he wanted this.
LORELAI: He loves you, he wants this.
JACKSON: Oh, boy.
SOOKIE: Uh huh.
LORELAI: Hang in there, I'll call you later.
SOOKIE: I'll be here.
JACKSON: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET
[Several people are standing around Kirk, who has the mail spread out in a pile on the floor.]
DEAN: It's right there!
KIRK: Just a second.
DEAN: I see it. Can I just
KIRK: Yeah, I can do it.
DEAN: Kirk, it's right there!
KIRK: You are yelling at me, and I have to tell you that that is not the way to get results.
DEAN: You keep passing it.
KIRK: You are making me crazy.
[Lorelai walks up to them]
LORELAI: Dean, I just need. . .oh, hey, that's my water bill.
DEAN: He's been down there for twenty minutes.
LORELAI: Kirk, you have to sort the mail first.
KIRK: Everybody is always telling me what to do. Everybody else is always right. Well, I'm sorry, but I am the mail carrier in this town and I will carry the mail the way that I carry the mail, and if you don't like that, then you can carry the mail. But you'll have to apply for the job first and get hired. And there's a test, and it is a hard test, my friend. Ow, paper cut.
LORELAI: Dean, I need some of that non-drowsy allergy medicine stuff.
DEAN: Did you check in the back with the aspirin?
LORELAI: Yeah, nothing.
DEAN: Then we're probably out. I could tell you when they're expected in, but I haven't gotten the mail yet.
KIRK: Shut up.
LORELAI: Okay, nevermind, I'll just grab some when I get to Hartford. See if you can get my water bill for me.
DEAN: All right, I'll do my best. [to Kirk] I'm giving you five minutes to get up, then I'm getting the mop.
KIRK: You will not touch this. This is the property of the United States Government.
CUT TO HARTFORD DRUGSTORE
[Lorelai walks to the allergy medicine aisle and looks at the selection]
LORELAI: Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, show me a difference, people. Why can't I pick one? Ooh, on sale, that's it, good, done.
[Lorelai picks a medicine, then walks to the end of the aisle, where she sees Max]
LORELAI: Max.
MAX: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hi.
MAX: Hi back.
LORELAI: I didn't know you had a cold.
MAX: I just recently found out myself.
LORELAI: Well, wow. You. Hi. How have you been?
MAX: I've been good.
LORELAI: Good.
MAX: I've been in California.
LORELAI: Well, cowabunga dude.
MAX: Yes, that's my official California name.
LORELAI: So, California, huh?
MAX: Stanford, actually. I was teaching a class there.
LORELAI: Well, good. It's about time that dump got some decent teachers.
MAX: Yes, they're really trying to turn the place around.
LORELAI: Well, so, if you were living in California, then what are you doing back here?
MAX: Well, this place has the best selection.
LORELAI: In Hartford.
MAX: My class ended, and I thought I'd come back for the Chilton Bicentennial.
LORELAI: Ah.
MAX: What are you doing here in Hartford?
LORELAI: Friday night?
MAX: The infamous Gilmore dinners.
LORELAI: Yeah.
MAX: How's that going?
LORELAI: Uh, great. We had to add on an extra room for all the emotional baggage, but other than that, there's been no bloodshed as of yet.
MAX: Well, I'm glad to hear it. And Rory's good?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, she's the Encyclopedia Britannica definition of good.
MAX: Grades?
LORELAI: Perfect.
MAX: Same boyfriend?
LORELAI: Different boyfriend.
MAX: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah.
MAX: You hate him.
LORELAI: No, I don't.
MAX: You really hate him.
LORELAI: I smile, I say hi, I let him eat the good cookies.
MAX: You wanna have him k*lled.
LORELAI: Only if I get a really good price.
MAX: She's young, she'll move on, she's got college next year.
LORELAI: Great. Frat boys, I cannot wait.
MAX: Just get a keg, keeps them distracted.
LORELAI: Oh, well, thanks for the advice. I'm gonna lock her up in a tower when I get home.
MAX: Glad I could help. Well, listen, I, um, have this dinner I have to get to.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, yeah. Me, too. Me, too. So. . .
MAX: It was nice to see you.
LORELAI: It was nice to see you, too.
MAX: Bye.
LORELAI: Uh, bye.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai rings the doorbell, Richard answers the door]
RICHARD: Ah, you're here.
LORELAI: And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.
RICHARD: It's chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.
LORELAI: Come again?
RICHARD: Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.
[they start walking to the living room]
LORELAI: Three DAR strokes. What's in that water they're drinking?
RICHARD: Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you're forgetting Liesl.
LORELAI: What?
RICHARD: Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.
LORELAI: Right, the muttonchops.
RICHARD: Here is Rory.
LORELAI: Thanks, I wouldn't have recognized her. Hi hon.
RORY: Hi. Did you hear about the strokes?
LORELAI: Yes, stay away from whiskey and the DAR.
RICHARD: Your mother would make you throw that out at this point.
LORELAI: How about I exchange it for a martini?
RICHARD: Ah, coming up. [phone rings] Oh, good I'm expecting an important call. This could be it.
LORELAI: Uh, Dad, if the maid is busy with dinner and the second one's out and Mom's at the hospital. . . you know.
RICHARD: Oh, right, right. I'll get it! [leaves room]
LORELAI: Alone at last. Have I got something to tell you.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Or maybe you have something to tell me.
RORY: Don't do that, I have nothing.
LORELAI: Or are you minimizing what you know? Maybe you should maximize it.
RORY: I'm confused.
LORELAI: Maximize it.
RORY: I'm maximum confused.
LORELAI: I ran into Max.
RORY: Medina?
LORELAI: At the pharmacy. Did you know he was back?
RORY: No. He was, like, on loan somewhere.
LORELAI: Yeah, at Stanford. But he's back now, for a little while at least, and I am happy to report that either he's forgiven me for treating him so badly or it wasn't that bad and I just built it up worse in my head.
RORY: Oh no, you treated him like crap
LORELAI: Well, he was very big about it. He didn't recoil or blow me off. We had a nice chat. It was good to see him.
RORY: He's a great guy.
LORELAI: He is.
RORY: And a great teacher, too. I'm glad he's back.
LORELAI: Good. He seems glad, too.
[Richard returns to the room]
RICHARD: That was not my call, and for a second there, I thought a fourth friend of your mother's had had a stroke.
RORY: Oh, no.
RICHARD: But then I realized that it was one of the original stroke ladies' husband's calling to inform me of her stroke, which we already knew about, so here we are.
LORELAI: Thank God.
RICHARD: So, Rory has been telling me about the Chilton Bicentennial and her speech.
RORY: Well, it's not my speech yet. I have to qualify for it.
RICHARD: Oh, you'll get it.
LORELAI: She'll be on C-SPAN if she does.
RICHARD: Very good.
RORY: It's not like anyone would watch it.
LORELAI: Yes, they will. You're a hell of a lot more interesting than that usual sh*t they have of all the white men walking around that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them.
RICHARD: That's a televised house vote, and I find that fascinating.
LORELAI: It's like watching the Men's Warehouse security camera.
RICHARD: When is your speech? I'd like to be there.
RORY: Again, it's not my speech yet, but it's Friday at five.
RICHARD: Oh, well, that's tough. Could they move it to six?
RORY: I don't think so.
RICHARD: Well, maybe I'll move my thing.
RORY: That might be best.
[phone rings]
RICHARD: Oh, I've got it, I've got it, I've got it!
[As Richard rushes out of the room, Lorelai laughs]
RORY: What?
LORELAI: [holds up her cell phone] Speed dial. I just like seeing him do that.
RICHARD: [from other room] I've got it.
CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks up to the house, Sookie is sitting on the front porch swing]
SOOKIE: Ah, thank God, someone sane. Come on up.
LORELAI: Your phone has been busy all night and I am dying to know what the doctor said.
SOOKIE: He said, "Congratulations, it's an It!"
LORELAI: Ah, I loved being pregnant.
SOOKIE: You'll give me lots of tips?
LORELAI: Oh, what I can remember.
SOOKIE: Get your diary out from that year cause I wanna know it all.
LORELAI: A lot of my diary from that year was, um, a debate over which member of Tears for Fears I loved more at that particular moment.
SOOKIE: That's probably not going to help me much.
LORELAI: What are you doing out here? It's cold.
SOOKIE: Well, we finished eating and I needed a break. Rough day. We didn't get home until eight.
LORELAI: Eight? Your appointment was at six.
SOOKIE: Jackson won't drive home faster than seven miles an hour. He doesn't wanna jiggle Baby.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
SOOKIE: We spent ten minutes on one speed bump. I could've walked home faster. And he's got this wild look in his eye like he's some kind of death rocker or something, and he's making lots of calls, and he punched the calculator so much he broke it.
[Jackson walks out of the house]
JACKSON: We're selling the truck.
SOOKIE: What?
JACKSON: It's the only way we're going to afford the minivan.
SOOKIE: I thought you broke the calculator.
JACKSON: I'm using a pencil. Hi Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hi Jackson, congratulations.
SOOKIE: We don't need a van.
JACKSON: And I'm getting a haircut and buying a second tie. [the phone rings] Oh, I'll get it. It's probably the contractor.
SOOKIE: What contractor?
JACKSON: The add-on.
SOOKIE: What add-on?
JACKSON: The expansion, Sookie, the expansion. [walks into the house]
SOOKIE: He's expanding something.
LORELAI: He's, uh, being very cryptic.
SOOKIE: I don't wanna expand anything. And did you see his eyes?
LORELAI: Tasmanian devil.
SOOKIE: When I came home, he was baby-proofing the house, he'd thrown away all our prescription drugs, and he was stuffing newspaper into the electrical sockets. He's insane.
[Jackson walks out with the phone]
JACKSON: [oh phone] Hold on, Tom. [to Sookie] He says we have to move out for three months to do the add-on. We probably don't wanna do that.
SOOKIE: Probably not.
[Jackson walks back into the house]
LORELAI: Have you tried slapping him?
SOOKIE: No, he won't let me lift my arm above my head in case it stretches Baby. This stinks. We never even got to celebrate. He went straight to budgets and minivans.
LORELAI: Aw, well, what he's doing is sweet in its own obnoxious way.
SOOKIE: I guess I'll have to let him be male.
LORELAI: So, listen, um, I ran into Max Medina.
SOOKIE: Oh my God, really? How weird was that?
LORELAI: A little. Not as much as I would have thought.
SOOKIE: He's such a good guy.
LORELAI: Yeah, people are pretty unanimous on that.
SOOKIE: Well, was he nice to you?
LORELAI: Very. I mean, what happened with us was so long ago. Do you think what I did to him was really horrible?
SOOKIE: You mean dumping him in the gutter? Sure.
LORELAI: Yeah, people are pretty unanimous on that, too.
SOOKIE: So, Max Medina's back.
LORELAI: Not for long, though. I just hope he doesn't hate me. He was probably just being nice. I just don't want him to hate me.
SOOKIE: You didn't mean to hurt him.
LORELAI: I'll write him a note or something. I owe him that.
[Jackson walks out of the house and holds up a cleaver.]
LORELAI/SOOKIE: Oh!
JACKSON: What is this?
SOOKIE: It's my cleaver.
JACKSON: What if Baby fell on it?
SOOKIE: You mean, what if Baby rolled off the sink and into the open second drawer? It wouldn't be good.
JACKSON: It has to go.
SOOKIE: I need it to chop stuff.
JACKSON: We're switching to plastic.
SOOKIE: I can't use plastic.
JACKSON: And the Saran Wrap's history, too.
SOOKIE: Jackson!
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory walks through the front door. The phone is ringing]
RORY: [answers phone] Hello?
WOMAN: Rory Gilmore, please.
RORY: This is Rory Gilmore.
WOMAN: Please hold. I'm connecting Headmaster Charleston and Paris Gellar.
RORY: What? You're what, hello?
WOMAN: Miss Gilmore?
RORY: I'm here.
WOMAN: Miss Gellar?
PARIS: I'm here.
WOMAN: Please hold, I'm connecting Headmaster Charleston. [pause] Miss Gilmore, Miss Gellar, you have Headmaster Charleston.
HEADMASTER: Ladies, hello. I hope you're having a pleasant evening.
RORY: Yes, sir.
PARIS: Very pleasant.
HEADMASTER: Wonderful to hear. Well, let's get down to it, shall we? I was very impressed with both of your speeches today. They were well written, well researched, and eloquently delivered. You should be very proud.
RORY: Thank you, we were.
PARIS: Who won?
HEADMASTER: Just the simple act of completing a task well is in itself a win, is it not Miss Gellar?
PARIS: Yes, sir.
HEADMASTER: Wonderful. Anyhow, as I was listening to you both this afternoon, a thought kept rolling around in my head. I was thinking what a pity it is I will have to choose just one. But then I realized, Hold on a minute here. I'm the headmaster at this school, I'm in charge of this competition, I can change the rules if I wish to.' So I am.
RORY: You are?
PARIS: You are what?
HEADMASTER: I am changing the rules. Instead of having one speaker at our bicentennial, we will have two. You will combine your speeches and present them together.
PARIS: You're kidding.
HEADMASTER: I assure you I am not. I think it will be an excellent way to pay proper tribute to our school. So, what do you think of my little plan?
RORY: Well. . .
PARIS: It's, uh. . .
HEADMASTER: Brilliant. Yes, I think so, too. That's all. Congratulations. I would like the revised copy of your speech on my desk by Tuesday. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. [hangs up]
PARIS: Well, look who's suddenly decided to become Kofi Annan.
RORY: Excuse me?
PARIS: Charleston thinks we need to play nice with each other, so he screws up the whole bicentennial. This sucks.
RORY: Yes, it does suck.
PARIS: So, what do we do now?
RORY: Do we have a choice?
PARIS: Of course we have a choice. You could say no.
RORY: Why could I say no? You could say no.
PARIS: I could not say no. C-SPAN is going to be there.
RORY: Well, I like C-SPAN as much as you do.
PARIS: You do not.
RORY: I do, too. Ask my mom, it's all I talk about.
PARIS: So, I guess we need a game plan now.
RORY: Okay. We can meet at school tomorrow and work on it.
PARIS: Or we could do it over the phone.
RORY: Over the phone?
PARIS: We're just combining two speeches, Rory. There's no reason we have to sit in the same room and stare at each other.
RORY: Fine, whatever you want.
PARIS: Tomorrow night, six o'clock, I'll call you.
RORY: I can't wait.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[The doorbell rings. Rory answers the door, Paris is standing there]
RORY: What are you doing here?
PARIS: We have a speech to write.
RORY: Yes, but we were supposed to do it over the phone. That was the plan.
PARIS: Well, it's a ridiculous plan. We have to put two speeches together. We have to rehearse them, we have to hone our timing. None of that can be done effectively over the phone.
RORY: But it was your idea.
PARIS: Oh, like you fought me on it?
RORY: Of course I didn't fight you on it.
PARIS: Well, okay then.
RORY: What, okay then? Our conversation did not just come to a close. There was not a decision made back there just now.
PARIS: Look, I'm here, we should just do this and get it over with. Do you wanna study here or in your bedroom? Fine, I'll go to a payphone. Do you have payphones in this town or are you still using a town crier?
RORY: We'll do it here.
PARIS: Whatever you say.
[they walk into Rory's bedroom]
PARIS: So, I think the first thing to do is to acquaint ourselves with each others' speeches so we can judge who h*t which point best. Here. [hands Rory her speech]
RORY: Mine. [hands Paris her speech]
PARIS: Good. Let's read. Why did you use this font?
RORY: Because I was on the crack.
PARIS: Did you check these facts?
RORY: Yes, I did.
PARIS: And the spelling of these names?
RORY: Yes, I did.
PARIS: Rory?
RORY: What, Paris?
PARIS: I slept with Jamie. Last night, after we talked.
RORY: Was it something I said?
PARIS: I went over there to study and he lit a f*re and then we did it. What are your thoughts on that?
RORY: My thoughts?
PARIS: Because I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it myself yet. I've been going over it in my head. I mean, it seemed to go pretty well. The f*re was nice and thank God he didn't try to put on any ridiculous makeout music, and then it just happened. I was actually fairly surprised at the timing of it because I wasn't wearing anything particularly alluring, and in the moments just before the act. . .
RORY: Oh, God.
PARIS: We were actually discussing modern day Marxism in America, which is not what I would have deemed a come and get it' sort of conversation, but nevertheless, he came and got it, and I have to figure out what that means to me on a psychological level. So, I thought maybe if you and I could have sort of a healthy debate about it, I could come to some sort of reasonable conclusion about how I should be feeling right about now. So, come on, talk. What do you think?
RORY: I
PARIS: Are you pro?
RORY: Well
PARIS: Con?
RORY: Well
PARIS: Undecided?
RORY: Paris, just stop talking for one second and let me get my mind around this.
PARIS: Sorry, go ahead, focus.
[Lorelai walks in through the front door and overhears their conversation from the hall]
PARIS: Could you focus faster because I really need some feedback here.
RORY: Okay, so you are telling me that you and Jamie. . .
PARIS: Had sex.
RORY: Okay, so, were you safe?
PARIS: Yes, it was a regular after school special.
RORY: Well, was he nice to you?
PARIS: Yes, he was very nice to me.
RORY: And the two of you had discussed this. . .
PARIS: Well, I don't know that we actually discussed it, it was just sort of implied.
RORY: Implied?
PARIS: Yes, implied. When you're dating a boy and you're together for a given amount of time and you're not Amish, then the eventual occurrence of intercourse is inevitable. I mean, wasn't it with you?
RORY: What?
PARIS: With Dean.
RORY: No.
PARIS: No?
RORY: No. I never did it with Dean.
PARIS: Oh. Well, then with Jess, right?
RORY: Um, no.
PARIS: You're lying.
RORY: No, I'm not lying.
PARIS: You haven't?
RORY: No.
PARIS: Why not?
RORY: I just haven't. It's just not the time.
[Lorelai quietly walks back out of the house]
PARIS: Why is it not the time? I mean, if it's not the time for you, then maybe it's not the time for me either.
RORY: Paris, you can't judge what's right for you against what's right for me. I mean, we are different, and Jamie and Jess are different.
PARIS: Well, yeah.
RORY: Maybe it was the time for the two of you.
PARIS: I guess. I just wish I had the data to back it up.
RORY: Some things can't be analyzed.
PARIS: Listen, Rory, these last few weeks, Francie got things all twisted around.
RORY: You let her get things all twisted around.
PARIS: I know. I just tend to believe the worst in people, you know?
RORY: Oh yeah, I know.
PARIS: I'm. . .
RORY: That's okay.
LORELAI: [from kitchen] Hello, Mommy's home!
RORY: We're in here.
LORELAI: We're, who's we're? Oh, hey Paris. I didn't know you were coming over tonight.
PARIS: It wasn't planned.
LORELAI: Oh, well, I brought pizza if you guys are hungry.
PARIS: I have to take my retainer out first.
RORY: I'll get the plates.
[Paris walks toward the bathroom, Lorelai hugs Rory]
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: I'm taking you shopping tomorrow.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: It just seems time. . .for new shoes.
RORY: Okay. [walks away]
LORELAI: I've got the good kid.
CUT TO CHILTON AUDITORIUM
[The headmaster is on stage addressing the audience]
HEADMASTER: . . .of two hundred years of tradition, Chilton begins its third century of educating this country's young students. . .
[Rory is waiting in the hallway outside the auditorium. Lorelai walks over to her]
LORELAI: Okay, I got the coats hung, and I slipped the girl a buck to get the really good hangers. You know, the ones with the dry cleaning foam strips still attached. Why are you frowning? Are you nervous?
RORY: What? No. I mean, yes. Paris is supposed to be here and she's not.
LORELAI: Well, maybe she's just had a clothing crisis.
RORY: Maybe.
LORELAI: Do you wanna call her?
RORY: I did, no answer.
LORELAI: I'm sure she's fine, there's traffic. Just relax.
RORY: Okay.
[Richard walks up to them]
RICHARD: There you are.
LORELAI: Hi.
RORY: Grandpa, you came.
RICHARD: Of course I came. I wouldn't miss my granddaughter talking on national TV. That's quite a nice turnout you have here.
LORELAI: Yes, well, we're very proud of the number of people who have nothing to do on a Friday night.
RICHARD: Your mind never tires for a moment, does it?
LORELAI: It will once people start talking.
RICHARD: Charming.
LORELAI: Okay, well, I'm gonna go track down some coffee cause there's no way they're not serving coffee at this thing. I'll be right back. Relax, she'll be here.
CUT TO ANOTHER HALLWAY
[On her way to the coffee table, Lorelai passes Max, who is talking to someone]
MAX: [to man] Stanford has been really fantastic.
LORELAI: Hi.
MAX: Hi. [to man] Will you excuse me for a moment?
MAN: Sure.
[Max follows Lorelai to the coffee table]
MAX: We seem to be running into each other a lot lately.
LORELAI: Oh, come on, you know where there's C-SPAN, there's. . .me.
MAX: Is Rory around?
LORELAI: Um, she's looking for Paris and panicking she's gonna have to do this alone.
MAX: Well, Paris'll come.
LORELAI: I told her that. Listen, do you have a second?
MAX: Sure.
LORELAI: I just, um. . .I just wanna talk to you about. . .uh. . .
[they walk to an empty classroom]
LORELAI: I just wanted to get away from. . .anyhow. We just haven't really talked since. . .
MAX: No, we haven't.
LORELAI: I always meant to call you, but I'm not good at calling when a call is really necessary. And then, you know, uh, if you don't call for awhile, it gets harder to call, and then after awhile, it feels like it's too late to call, and so you don't, although you always know that you should've called, and I should've called.
MAX: It's okay.
LORELAI: No, it's not. I never really explained what happened.
MAX: You didn't marry me.
LORELAI: Yes, I know, but I never really explained why. I just didn't.
MAX: You didn't love me.
LORELAI: I don't think I didn't love you. I think. . .I think I was not ready to get married.
MAX: Because you didn't love me.
LORELAI: No, I really don't think that was it. Sometimes the person you love is not the person you're ready to live with forever. I'm not saying this is right, but
MAX: Lorelai, listen to me. I appreciate this, I really do, but there's no need for it. I'm really okay.
LORELAI: Oh, no, I know you're. . .no, I'm sure you're okay. I'm not saying this because you don't look okay. You look great. Really great. Although, I'm not saying this because you look really great, although you do. Did you join a gym in California?
MAX: Lorelai, look. I've always wanted to teach at a university like Stanford. And finally, the opportunity came up, I went, and it was wonderful. And, frankly, if we had been getting married, I wouldn't have been able to take it.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
MAX: And being away gave me time to think. I thought, and now I'm fine.
LORELAI: It's just, we never had any closure.
MAX: Life's not really about closure, is it?
LORELAI: No, I guess not. So, you're okay?
MAX: I'm okay. I'm over it.
LORELAI: You sure?
MAX: I am completely sure.
LORELAI: Well, then. . .boy, don't I feel stupid.
MAX: You are many things, but stupid is not one of them.
LORELAI: Well, I'm really glad I got to see you again.
MAX: Me, too. I better get back.
LORELAI: Okay.
CUT TO OUTSIDE THE AUDITORIUM
[Rory and Richard are waiting in the hallway. The headmaster walks over to them.]
HEADMASTER: Rory, you and Paris should get ready, you're going on next. Richard, I didn't know you were coming, how are you?
RICHARD: Very, very well, Hanlin.
HEADMASTER: Wonderful. Here, let me find you a seat.
RICHARD: Ah, I'm also with my daughter.
HEADMASTER: Well, then let me find you two seats. Rory, where's Paris?
RORY: I don't know, I haven't seen her and I called her house.
HEADMASTER: Oh, dear. Well, I hope you know both parts. [walks away]
RORY: Okay, great.
RICHARD: You are going to be wonderful, trust me. Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear?
RORY: Yes.
RICHARD: Well, don't do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos.
RORY: Say no more.
[Lorelai walks over to them]
LORELAI: Hey, they're rounding us up. Is she here yet?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Oh, well, just. . .oh, there she is.
RORY: Where? [sees Paris down the hall] Oh, thank you God.
LORELAI: Okay, be great. We'll see you afterward.
RORY: [walks over to Paris] Where have you been? Paris, you okay?
CUT TO AUDITORIUM
[The headmaster is addressing the audience]
HEADMASTER: And it is with great pleasure that I introduce two young ladies that epitomize the very best of what Chilton has to offer.
RORY: Paris, are you okay?
HEADMASTER: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Paris Gellar and Rory Gilmore.
[The crowd applauds as Rory and Paris walk onto the stage]
RORY: "Apply yourself. Get all the education you can, but then do something. Don't just stand there, make it happen." Lee Iacocca. "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." Malcolm Forbes. "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." Oscar Wilde. These are only three of many countless views on the expansion of the human mind. I personally believe in all of them, and fortunately for me, so does Chilton. An institution not just because of age and standing, but because of ideas. Because it encourages ideas and it will accept nothing less than everything you have to give. This is the place where our lives start.
PARIS: You know, it's funny, me standing here before you right now. I've thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here's the really funny thing after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] I'm not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. We're not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard." And the thing that's really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I've worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that I'm not going to Harvard? I can't. I'm not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I'm not going to Harvard.
RORY: Okay.
PARIS: And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard.
RORY: Thank you and good night.
PARIS: I'm being punished. I had sex, so now I don't get to go to Harvard.
RORY: Paris, come on. [leads Paris off the stage]
PARIS: She's never had sex. She'll probably go to Harvard. She's a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore you're going to Harvard!
RORY: Come on!
[In the audience, Lorelai glances at Richard, who is sleeping]
CUT TO BACKSTAGE
[Rory and Paris sit on a staircase. Paris is crying]
PARIS: How could I have not gotten into Harvard? Five generations of Gellars have gotten into Harvard. Even if I was the Billy Carter of the family, the name is still supposed to carry some weight.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: They had to really not like me for me to not get in.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: It's like they know me or something.
RORY: Stop. I know how much this meant to you, Paris, but you are going to get just as good an education at one of the other great schools you're destined to get into. And you know what? Maybe it's a good thing that you're going to a different school than the rest of your family. You'll be doing your own thing, starting your own tradition. Doesn't that sound exciting?
PARIS: I can't believe I slept with Jamie. I'm a slut.
RORY: No, you're not. You love him.
PARIS: What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he doesn't think I'm special anymore? How am I going to tell him I didn't get into Harvard? What am I gonna do?
RORY: Paris, I don't know why you didn't get into Harvard, but you are so smart and so special and you'll see, everything's gonna be fine.
[Lorelai opens the door]
LORELAI: Hey, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.
RORY: Yeah, we've got everything under control, thanks.
LORELAI: Okay. I'll be outside when you're ready. No rush.
RORY: Thanks.
[Lorelai leaves]
PARIS: Well, all I've gotta say is, after all the trouble this sex thing has caused me, I better have been good.
RORY: That's the perspective I know and love.
CUT TO HALLWAY
[Lorelai walks up to Richard by the coat racks]
LORELAI: Dad, hi, sorry. I was just checking on the girls.
RICHARD: Well, I hope they're feeling very good about themselves. They did a wonderful job.
LORELAI: Yes, well, I'm sure they'll be very pleased to hear you think so.
RICHARD: Listen, um, I need to get home. Uh, I'm expecting a very important call from China that unfortunately I cannot miss.
LORELAI: That's fine, Dad. I'll tell Rory you had to go.
RICHARD: All right. And tell her I'll call her later, and give her this. [hands Lorelai an envelope]
LORELAI: Aw, that's very nice. Now how about my finder's fee?
RICHARD: You're very amusing. Thank you for a lovely evening, and I'll see the two of you on Friday.
LORELAI: Good night. Sleep tight.
[Richard leaves]
LORELAI: [to coat-check woman] Um, excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.
WOMAN: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there, take a look. Otherwise the staircase to the roof is on your right.
LORELAI: Thank you. Hm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.
CUT TO CLASSROOM
[Lorelai walks in and finds her coat in the racks. Max walks in]
MAX: Okay. So, this is where they keep the coats they're ashamed of.
LORELAI: Well, this school has taken snobbery to a whole new level.
MAX: So, is Rory okay?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I just went back there. She's taking care of Paris, but she's good, thanks.
MAX: I must say, I've been a teacher for ten years now, and it wasn't until today I realized, it must be really hard to be a girl.
LORELAI: And with the invention of Sephora, really expensive, too.
MAX: I'm very sorry.
LORELAI: Oh, don't be. At least we get to wear skirts without being Scottish or riding a float in the gay pride parade.
MAX: Well, that'll change someday my friend, and when it does, I still won't wear a skirt. But I'll applaud those that do, and then cross the street so nobody sees I'm with them.
LORELAI: It was nice seeing you.
MAX: Nice to see you, too.
LORELAI: Take care of yourself.
MAX: I will.
[They kiss]
MAX: And apparently, I'm not over it.
CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S BEDROOM
[Jackson taps Sookie on the shoulder]
SOOKIE: I'm not getting rid of my knives, Jackson. I'm a chef, I have to have knives.
JACKSON: Sookie.
SOOKIE: And I'm also not cutting off the water supply and I'm not sanding down all the edges of my furniture. Now, I'm sorry that you think this house is a deathtrap, and I'm sorry that you think there is nothing in our lifestyles that is conducive to having a baby, but our kid is gonna have to be bright enough not to disconnect the water hose that goes to the a*t*matic ice maker and shove it up his or her nose. Now go to sleep.
JACKSON: Did I tell you how happy I am?
SOOKIE: No, you didn't.
JACKSON: I have never been happier about anything in my entire life.
SOOKIE: Really?
JACKSON: Our wedding day, but this is running a really close second.
SOOKIE: Jackson.
JACKSON: Now if you would just get rid of the knives, I think it could make it a tie. I wasn't kidding about the knives.
SOOKIE: Goodnight Jackson.
JACKSON: If I could read you the statistics just one more time.
SOOKIE: I love you, Jackson.
JACKSON: Hold on, I'll find them.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk across the yard toward the mailbox]
RORY: But
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: What does this mean?
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: What are you gonna do?
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: What about Alex?
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: But is Max going to
LORELAI: Oh, honey, have you gotten the clue? There's not gonna be a wealth of information tonight.
RORY: Sorry. [they stop at the mailbox] It's just so. . .
[Lorelai opens the mailbox. She pulls out a large envelope and hands it to Rory]
LORELAI: The big one.
RORY: Looks like Paris was right.
[Lorelai pulls out two more large envelopes]
LORELAI: Apparently, you are the biggest virgin in the world. Wow. So, what?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: Well, what does this mean?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: Which one are you gonna choose?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: I guess we better go inside. We both have a lot of things to figure out, huh?
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: Yeah. So what are the odds that Paris is ever gonna have sex again in this lifetime?
RORY: I don't know.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x16 - The Big One"} | foreverdreaming |
3.17 - A Tale of Poes and f*re
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Chris Long
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table with papers and books spread out in front of them.]
LORELAI: Okay, let's see. Looks like Harvard definitely has the smallest class sizes.
RORY: Okay, we've got our first entry here. It's a pro for Harvard.
LORELAI: Oh, whoa, whoa, those are not the final official pro/con lists.
RORY: Why? What's wrong with them?
LORELAI: Well, the lines are crooked, the printing's all sloppy. Harvard, Princeton and Yale cannot see them looking like that.
RORY: They're not going to see our pro/con lists.
LORELAI: What if they subpoena them?
RORY: Then I'll roll them up in a ball and eat them.
LORELAI: Oh, a big pro for Yale they have 1100 members of the maintenance staff. Clean, clean, clean.
RORY: All three of these places probably have the same number.
LORELAI: But Yale must be crowing about it for some reason. Princeton might only have two.
RORY: Two?
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: You think there're a total of two guys cleaning all of Princeton?
LORELAI: Write "Princeton's stinking filthy" in big letters.
RORY: Yeah, I'm pretending to write it as we speak.
[Kirk walks over carrying a box of T-shirts]
KIRK: Good morning, ladies. May I interest you in a shirt?
LORELAI: Oh, Kirk. You're not selling your laundry again, are ya?
KIRK: No, these are part of my latest money-making endeavor. I'm going to print daily T-shirts featuring a humorous topical headline of something I witness around town.
RORY: Neat.
KIRK: I got the idea when I read about something a man was doing in Portland.
LORELAI: What was he doing?
KIRK: He was printing daily T-shirts featuring a humorous topical headline of something he witnessed around town.
RORY: Is that today's?
KIRK: Sure is. [he holds up a shirt]
RORY: [reads] "Babette ate oatmeal." Huh.
LORELAI: Yeah.
KIRK: I'm keeping it real.
RORY: It's good.
LORELAI: It paints a picture.
RORY: I can just see her. . .eating oatmeal.
[Luke walks up to the table]
KIRK: They're $14.95. How many can I put you down for?
LUKE: No solicitors, Kirk.
KIRK: How about if I cut you in for a piece of the action?
LUKE: How about I toss the shirts out the door first so you can have something to land on?
KIRK: Got it. [walks away]
LUKE: What's with the lists?
LORELAI: You ready? My Rory, our Rory, Stars Hollow's Rory. . .got into Harvard, Princeton, and Yale.
LUKE: Wow, wow, wow, I can't believe it. I I feel like I. . .
RORY: Yeah.
[Luke awkwardly hugs Rory's head]
RORY: Oh.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Wow.
[Luke pulls back]
LUKE: Oh, I'm not good at hugging.
RORY: Oh, I thought it worked.
LUKE: Thanks. Man, this is big, right?
RORY: Very big.
LUKE: But what's with all the pro/con lists?
LORELAI: That's how we make our important decisions, you know that.
LUKE: But you know what it's gonna be, Harvard.
RORY: Probably.
LORELAI: But not necessarily.
LUKE: But Harvard's all you've talked about for years.
LORELAI: Well, who knew she'd be wanted by everyone?
LUKE: Hey, which school best teaches how to make an important life decision without doing a stupid pro/con list? Whichever one it is, add it to the pro column.
LORELAI: Do not mock the sciencificity of our selection process.
RORY: I've gotta head to school.
LORELAI: Hey, why go anymore? You're in college. Let's go truffle hunting or something.
RORY: Maybe after I graduate.
LORELAI: All right, but if all the good truffles are gone, don't say I didn't warn you.
RORY: Bye. [leaves]
LUKE: I can't believe how great that is, all three.
LORELAI: Well, they have good taste.
LUKE: Well. . .you know, uh, Jess also. . .well, it's so tiny compared to this, it's gonna sound dumb.
LORELAI: What? Tell me.
LUKE: Well, you know how Jess works at Wal-Mart.
LORELAI: Yes, I do.
LUKE: Well, it seems he was actually chosen Employee of the Month.
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: I knew it would sound tiny.
LORELAI: No, Luke, that's not tiny. That's really good.
LUKE: Yeah. I mean, there's probably hundreds of people working at that branch, and they singled him out.
LORELAI: Yeah, it shows he can work hard and get along with people and all that. You should be proud. Did you tell him you're proud?
LUKE: Well, he didn't even tell me about it. I got a letter addressed to the family of Jess Mariano inviting me down to some little ceremony they're having.
LORELAI: Are you going?
LUKE: Oh, he'd hate it if I was there. You know, seeing him participating in some corporate ceremony like that, being called upstanding and responsible, it would k*ll him. Yeah, I'm going.
LORELAI: Good boy.
[Luke sees that Kirk is trying to sell his shirts at another table. Kirk quickly pushes the shirts off the table into a box]
[opening credits]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey Sookie, Sookie. . .where's Sookie?
SOOKIE: Down here.
LORELAI: Down where? Marco?
SOOKIE: Polo.
[Lorelai finds Sookie kneeling on the floor next to a cat]
LORELAI: Why are you down there?
SOOKIE: Papaya won't eat, so I'm pretending to eat out of her bowl so she'll copy me.
LORELAI: Sookie, you named the cat?
SOOKIE: She looks like a Papaya, doesn't she?
LORELAI: But it's a stray. You'll get close to it and it'll wander off and you'll be sad.
SOOKIE: I'm keeping my distance. Come on, Papaya. Lap, lap, lap.
LORELAI: All right, we're getting you up here. Come on.
[Lorelai helps Sookie stand up]
SOOKIE: Oh boy, being a cat is hard on the knees.
LORELAI: Since when are you a cat person?
SOOKIE: Well, ever since I got pregnant, I've become very nurturing toward all living things. Jackson, too.
LORELAI: Well, both your bodies are changing.
SOOKIE: Yesterday.. .ugh, it was awful. Jackson moved a table and just kind of nicked this spider. He didn't see the little thing, and just clipped one of its legs. And it was having trouble walking and we were so upset, but Jackson made a new leg for it out of a paper clip, but jamming the clip into the spider k*lled it instantly. Little Satchmo.
LORELAI: You named the spider Satchmo?
SOOKIE: After Jackson's uncle.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sure he'll be very touched.
SOOKIE: Maybe if I wore ears!
LORELAI: What?
[Sookie holds two napkins up behind her head to look like cat ears, then kneels back down on the floor]
SOOKIE: Papaya! Look at Mommy, look at Mommy, look at Mommy.
[Lorelai walks into the lobby]
LORELAI: Oh, is this everyone from the Edgar Allen Poe Society?
MICHEL: If you mean the I-should-be-sterilized-so-that-my-disturbing-idiosyncrasies-aren't-passed-onto-the-next-generation society, then yes, that's them.
LORELAI: [to guests checking in] Hi, welcome to the Independence Inn.
MR. HATLESTAD: Thank you. We're Jim and Milly Hatlestad.
LORELAI: Okay, I've got you right here. Well, once again, welcome, and let me assure you there are no human body parts buried in the floor of your room to keep you awake tonight. Sound good?
MR. HATLESTAD: I guess.
LORELAI: Room 8.
[The Hatlestads walk away]
LORELAI: The Tell-Tale Heart. That's a Poe story. Did they not get that?
MICHEL: The Hatlestads are not with the Poe Society.
LORELAI: Why didn't you tell me that?
MICHEL: If I had thought to, I still would not have.
FRED: Hi, my name is Larson, I'm checking in.
LORELAI: Poe Society, right?
FRED: That's me.
LORELAI: Good. Well, welcome to the Independence Inn. There will be a complimentary cask of amontillado on the table in your room, and if you're expecting your friends Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether, I'll send up another one. [pause] You said you were with the Poe Society.
FRED: Yeah, but it's just a hobby. We're not Trekkies.
LORELAI: No, no, I didn't mean to imply. . .I mean, you're not freaks, no way. Here, room six.
FRED: Thank you. [walks away]
MICHEL: You might want to stop trying to cute things up.
LORELAI: I hear that.
MICHEL: [to guest] Hello sir.
CUT TO WAL-MART BREAK ROOM
[The manager walks to the front of the room. Luke walks in and sits down in back.]
MANAGER: Hello everybody. Hope you're having a good day today. You folks know we do this every month, just a little get together to honor our new Employee of the Month. Nothing fancy, just a quick thanks' and a way to go.' Oh, and there's two hundred bucks in it. I think that's how we got our honoree to even show up to this thing. You know him as a trooper, our Mr. Reliable. The first time this young man sat down on that forklift, well, it was like an extension of himself. And yeah, he's not one for small talk, but this boy's production is out of sight. It's Jess Mariano everybody.
[The other employees applaud as Jess walks up to accept a plaque]
MANAGER: Would you like to say anything Jess?
JESS: Nope.
MANAGER: Well, that's our Jess. Give him another hand folks, and, uh, have a good one.
[Jess walks to the back of the room and sees Luke]
JESS: What are you doing here?
LUKE: [pinches Jess' cheek] I'm so proud of my boy.
JESS: Stop it.
LUKE: Do you have a tissue because I think I'm gonna be emotional.
JESS: I mean it, stop, now. It came with cash, it's the only reason I'm here.
LUKE: Don't forget the plaque. You should hang that over your bed, shine a little spotlight over it.
JESS: I gotta get back to work.
LUKE: Yeah, the forklift's going where's the extension of me?'
[Jess leaves. The manager walks over to Luke]
MANAGER: Hey. Saw you jawboning with our boy there. I'm Bill Borden.
LUKE: Luke Danes, I'm Jess' uncle.
MANAGER: Nice meeting you.
LUKE: Yeah, so he's doing good, huh?
MANAGER: Wish I had a dozen more Jesses. He's my go-to guy.
LUKE: That's great to hear.
MANAGER: Works like a dog on his regular shift, and if someone calls in sick and they always do Jess is there even if he's already done forty hours that week.
LUKE: Wow, I am so . . .forty hours? He never works forty hours.
MANAGER: More like forty-five, that's what I'm saying. Good boy, that one.
LUKE: Wait, how is that possible? He's got school, he works for me, it can't be forty.
MANAGER: Well, I can't say I sign every time card, but I'm pretty sure it's at least that. Uh, maybe I'm mistaken.
LUKE: Yeah, maybe.
MANAGER: Oh, thought you might like this. A little keepsake for ya. [hands him an Employee of the Month sign with Jess' picture on it]
LUKE: Great, thanks.
CUT TO MISS PATTY'S DANCE STUDIO
[A man dressed as Poe is reciting The Raven at the front of the room.]
POE 1: Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling, by the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore, "Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven."
LORELAI: [quietly to Rory] That Poe was downright funalicious.
RORY: He was a troubled man. He enjoyed a little bit too much of the hmm-hmm. [makes a drinking gesture]
LORELAI: Mime?
RORY: You know what I meant.
LORELAI: Oh, mime. That reminds me Yale, best drama school bar none. Put that in the pro column.
RORY: I'm not taking drama.
LORELAI: No, but it means you'll have the best on-campus productions. You'll get to see the next Meryl Streep all goofy and eighteen and doing crap like, "Hey, name an occupation!" "Plumber!" "Name a farm tool now!" "Tractor!" "Hey, I'm a tractor doing. . .plumbing."
RORY: That's what the do at the Yale drama school?
LORELAI: So I've heard. Oh, that's weird.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Over there. [points to another man dressed like Poe seated in the audience]
RORY: A second Poe?
LORELAI: It's like a Poe story in itself.
RORY: The Case of the Two Poes.
LORELAI: The Messrs Poe and Poe.
RORY: Oh, that's good.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, there's Dean. Hey, is that, uh. . .
RORY: That's Lindsay.
LORELAI: Hm.
[Dean sees them and waves. Lindsay glances at Rory]
LORELAI: Oh, I think she's ready to go to the ghetto on you.
RORY: Well, I don't have a problem with her. She's really nice. And, you know, once she
LORELAI: Bought you a magnet shaped like Mark Twain's head? Yes, I've heard the anecdote.
RORY: Sorry.
LORELAI: I think she should just mellow. I mean, you've both moved on. What's the problem?
POE 1: But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only that one word. . .
LORELAI: I don't remember The Raven being this long.
RORY: It could've used some editing.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, did you put drama school on the Yale pro list?
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: Come on, do it, we'll forget.
RORY: I don't have a pen.
LORELAI: Aw, jeez. [leans toward Luke and Nicole sitting across the aisle] Hey, psst. Hi, Nicole.
NICOLE: Hi, Lorelai.
LUKE: Hey, how long is this thing?
LORELAI: He's got at least five nevermores to go.
LUKE: Ah, jeez.
LORELAI: Do you got a pen?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Come on, cough it up.
LUKE: I don't have a pen.
LORELAI: You've got a restaurant. Where's the pen you take orders with?
LUKE: I wasn't anticipating taking orders at the Poe reading.
LORELAI: Hm, there goes your Boy Scout badge.
RORY: Uh, Mom.
[Poe 1 gives her a look, then continues]
POE 1: Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy. . .
LORELAI: Busted by a Poe.
RORY: Hope he doesn't put a curse on us.
LORELAI: Or complain when he goes back to being Fred Larson, Tampa dentist.
NICOLE: Hey, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hm? [sees Nicole holding out a pen] Oh, you're an angel, thanks.
NICOLE: I'll need it back.
LORELAI: Yeah, sure.
RORY: Hm, looks like Nicole's got a little Lindsay attitude going.
LORELAI: Not really. Really?
MISS PATTY: Hey, how many nevermores do you think he's got to go?
LORELAI: We're guessing four.
MISS PATTY: Poor Edgar Allen Poe, he suffered so much. And now we gotta suffer along with him.
RORY: Yale drama, got it.
MISS PATTY: Rory, why do you waste your time on those pro/con lists? It's going to be Harvard, we all know it.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: If the list says it is.
RORY: Right.
MISS PATTY: When you were six and took my cheerleading class, you wouldn't even cheer for any other school than Harvard.
RORY: That's true. That is true.
LORELAI: Well, then the list will reflect it.
POE 1: And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall be lifted. . .nevermore.
[the audience claps]
LORELAI: Excellent. Bravo, bravo.
RORY: Very nice.
WOMAN: That was wonderful, wasn't it? Thank you very much for that rendition.
POE 1: Thank you.
[he goes to sit down and the second Poe walks to the front]
LORELAI: What's with the Poes?
RORY: They look upset.
MISS PATTY: Wanna hear the scoop?
RORY: Please.
MISS PATTY: I was here when they both arrived. They got their signals crossed. They were supposed to perform different things, but they both came to do The Raven.
LORELAI: If the Poes start fighting, does that punch a hole in the space/time continuum?
RORY: And throw us into a universe where everything is the exact opposite of what it is here?
LORELAI: Cool. There'll be funny sitcoms there.
WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you. It'll allow you to compare and contrast interpretations of Poe's most famous work.
RORY: Oh no.
LORELAI: Compare and contrast?
RORY: That can only mean. . .
WOMAN: Please enjoy this second recitation of The Raven.
LORELAI: Do we bolt?
RORY: Do we dare?
LORELAI: At least if I'd brought a flask, we could've played the nevermore drinking game.
RORY: Oh, maybe this is what drove Poe to the bottle.
LORELAI: His own work.
POE 2: Once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, while I nodded, nearly napping. . .
[Lorelai and Nicole share a look; Rory and Lindsay share a look]
LORELAI: Weird vibe in here. Very Poe.
RORY: Very Poe.
CUT TO OUTISDE
[Lorelai and Rory walk out of the dance studio]
RORY: Well, that was pretty good.
LORELAI: Oh, come on. You can't do that thing where you complain, then when you walk out you reassess based on the relief you're feeling that it's over.
RORY: Well, I was able to compare and contrast between readings.
LORELAI: I was able to nap for twenty minutes.
[The first Poe walks over to them]
POE 1: Good evening, ladies.
LORELAI: Oh, hi Poe.
RORY: Good job in there.
POE 1: I thank you. Young miss, do correct me, but I heard tell that you are considering attending Harvard University.
RORY: I am.
POE 1: I myself attended West Point.
LORELAI: Wow.
POE 1: I'm embarrassed to say that I was court-martialed in 1832 and forced to leave.
[The second Poe walks over]
POE 2: Excuse me, but I was expelled from West Point in 1831, not 1832.
LORELAI: Oh.
POE 1: No, I do believe it was 1832. It was an election year.
POE 2: It was not an election year. President Jackson was to serve five more years
POE 1: I'm sure it was '32. I'm sad to say it was the same year my older brother William passed away.
POE 2: Okay, that's not right either, Fred.
POE 1: Fred? I don't know this Fred you speak of.
POE 2: Oh, knock it off. I'm tired. [walks away]
POE 1: Will you excuse me?
LORELAI: Yeah. [he walks away] Poes are very testy people.
RORY: Mmhmm.
[Kirk is sitting at a table with stacks of T-shirts]
KIRK: I've got your latest topical T-shirts here, people. Brand new topical T-shirts for sale.
RORY: What's this one say?
[Kirk holds one up]
LORELAI: [reads] "Faux Poes foes."
RORY: Very clever, Kirk.
KIRK: It was an inspiration. But they're not selling much better than the "Babette ate oatmeal" shirts.
LORELAI: Keep the dream, Kirk.
[Dean and Lindsay walk out of the dance studio]
DEAN: Hey guys.
RORY: Oh, hi. Mom, this is Lindsay.
LINDSAY: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi. The Mark Twain magnet-head girl!
LINDSAY: The what?
LORELAI: You don't know the anecdote? You're the star.
LINDSAY: The anecdote?
RORY: It's nothing, really. Um, it's the field trip we took to Mark Twain's house in the fourth grade, and I wanted this magnet and you lent me the money and I got the magnet.
LORELAI: She usually tells it better.
LINDSAY: I kinda remember.
DEAN: So, uh, congratulations on Harvard.
RORY: Oh, yeah, thanks.
DEAN: I got into Southern Connecticut State.
RORY: Oh, that's great.
LORELAI: It is. That's great, Dean.
RORY: You're. . .you're. . . wow.
DEAN: Yeah, thanks.
LINDSAY: I've gotta get home.
DEAN: And I gotta take her, so I'll see you guys.
LORELAI: See ya.
RORY: Bye.
[Dean and Lindsay walk away]
LORELAI: So you say she was nice?
RORY: Was, I guess, being the operative word. So are we going?
LORELAI: No, you go on ahead, I'll catch up.
RORY: Okay. Try and make it home in time for Charlie Rose. Billy Joel's on, and he might cry or something.
LORELAI: Okay.
[Rory leaves. Luke walks over to Lorelai]
LORELAI: So, how was Jess' Employee of the Month thing?
LUKE: Oh, it was okay.
LORELAI: Just okay?
LUKE: There was punch.
LORELAI: So the punch wasn't good?
LUKE: No, it was just. . .the manager came up afterwards when Jess was gone and he was talking about how Jess is working forty, forty-five hours a week.
LORELAI: What? That's full time.
LUKE: That's what I said.
LORELAI: How does he swing it?
LUKE: He must be pulling double shifts on the weekends. It's all I can think of.
LORELAI: No, he's pretty much duding it with Rory on the weekends.
LUKE: Well, then he must be getting up super early on weekday mornings and going in.
LORELAI: Have you ever seen him do that?
LUKE: No, but I don't trail him either.
LORELAI: Yeah, but you sleep in the same room with him.
LUKE: Oh, the manager must be getting Jess confused with somebody else.
LORELAI: Or. . .
LUKE: Or what?
LORELAI: I don't wanna say, forget it.
LUKE: No, say it, go ahead.
LORELAI: Or he's working when he should be in school.
LUKE: Impossible, no way.
LORELAI: Why?
LUKE: Because he knows the rules he's gotta graduate to stay living with me. He's going, he's getting everything done, he's doing his work.
LORELAI: You've seen this work he's doing?
LUKE: Not for awhile, but I just know that he is. No, no way he's cutting school, it's su1c1de, no way.
LORELAI: I shouldn't have brought it up
LUKE: Ah, that's okay.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: Goodnight.
[Kirk walks up to the second Poe]
KIRK: Say, how can I have a career as a Poe?
POE 2: It's not a career, this is just an event that we do. I write technical manuals for a living.
KIRK: Yes, but how can I have a career as a Poe?
CUT TO LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Lorelai is sleeping when Rory walks in with the cordless phone]
RORY: Mom. Mom, wake up.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Mom, it's Tobin at the inn, something's wrong.
LORELAI: What's wrong?
RORY: The f*re alarm's going off.
LORELAI: That stupid alarm. It's always doing that. Tell him if he doesn't smell smoke, to reset it, and tell him he's fired and I'm gonna kick his ass around the lobby for waking me up.
RORY: He sounds freaked.
LORELAI: Ugh. [takes phone] Tobin, what?. . .Oh my God. . .Okay. [hangs up] Get dressed.
RORY: What is it?
LORELAI: Get dressed, get dressed.
CUT TO FRONT OF THE INDEPENDENCE INN
[The inn staff and guests are all gathered out front as the f*re department puts out the f*re.]
CHIEF BAKER: [into a walkie talkie] We've got the first engine laddering the roof, first engine. Yeah, and we need PD for traffic control.
[Lorelai and Rory rush up to the crowd]
SOOKIE: Ah, Lorelai, thank God.
LORELAI: Hey, what's going on?
SOOKIE: This is Lorelai Gilmore.
LORELAI: What's going on?
CHIEF BAKER: In a minute, ma'am.
RORY: Yeah, Mom, let him do his thing.
LORELAI: You're right. Sookie, Michel, um, is everyone out?
MICHEL: Yes.
LORELAI: Are you sure?
MICHEL: Yes.
SOOKIE: Yes. We're sure, the f*re department's sure, we did a head count.
LORELAI: We need to double check, triple check. Julio! He doesn't start til six but sometimes he comes here early because his sister-in-law Rita gives him a ride on her way to work in Salisbury.
SOOKIE: Oh! [points to Julio in the crowd]
LORELAI: [walks over and hugs him] Ah, Julio, Julio. Ah, I'm so glad to see you, you beautiful man.
[The f*re chief walks over to Lorelai]
CHIEF BAKER: Ma'am, I'm Chief Baker.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry I jumped on ya.
CHIEF BAKER: That's okay. The good news is that this is almost out. The structure's s*ab, and you're probably gonna be able to get back in in about 24 hours.
LORELAI: Excellent. Twenty-four hours, the structure's s*ab, thank you.
CHIEF BAKER: That's okay.
LORELAI: The statue of you is going up just as soon as we get back in. Eighty feet tall.
CHIEF BAKER: I'm looking forward to it.
LORELAI: Here we go guys, phase two.
SOOKIE: Loving the pace here.
LORELAI: Um, we need food, we need computers with Internet, we need phones. Michel, I need this on you stat. Hurry, hurry. Rory?
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Um, help the guests with the kids, make sure they're not freaked out. Gather them up and entertain them for awhile so the adults can catch their breath.
RORY: Right. I have never entertained kids how do I do that?
LORELAI: Uh, take your socks off and do a puppet show.
RORY: You've clearly never entertained kids either.
LORELAI: It's all I can think of. Get cracking.
RORY: Yes, ma'am.
LORELAI: [to the guests] Hi everybody. Good morning, and uh, whoa, talk about your change of plans here. Unfortunately, you, uh, can't get your stuff out for at least a day. However, if you wanna get home immediately, we will check planes, trains, whatever you need. We will send your stuff to you later as soon as we get it. But if you can't get home yet, we will provide everything short of anything illegal, and that's gonna start with the best breakfast of your lives. [to Sookie] Uh, Sookie, go to the market and get whatever food and supplies we need for breakfast.
SOOKIE: Going.
[Sookie leaves. Lorelai walks over to Michel, who is on his cell phone]
LORELAI: Hey, who are you on with?
MICHEL: The Cheshire Cat Inn.
LORELAI: Ah, great, find people places to sleep. Excellent. [walks away]
MICHEL: [on phone] Yes, my name is Michel Gerard, I used to work at the Independence Inn and I was wondering if there were any positions available.
[Lorelai walks back over and grabs the phone from him]
MICHEL: Phones, computer, I'm on it.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai, Sookie and the inn's guests enter]
SOOKIE: Morning.
LUKE: What, what is this?
SOOKIE: Phase two.
LUKE: Phase two?
SOOKIE: Into the back, guys. March!
[Sookie's cooking staff carries food and supplies into Luke's kitchen]
LUKE: Hold on, those guys can't go back there.
LORELAI: Oh, we're in luck, lots of empty tables. Go on and take your seats, guys.
LUKE: Lorelai, what is this?
LORELAI: We had a f*re.
LUKE: f*re, where?
SOOKIE: Weston's Bakery.
LUKE: You're kidding.
SOOKIE: They'll have fresh blueberries.
LORELAI: Perfect. Um, Weston's, hurry.
LUKE: Where. . .Weston's caught f*re?
LORELAI: No, the inn.
LUKE: Your inn?
SOOKIE: Just move all of Luke's stuff aside, we don't need it.
LUKE: Hey, wait a minute.
LORELAI: Everyone's fine, the inn's still standing, we're into phase two.
LUKE: What is phase two?
SOOKIE: Just shove it aside.
LUKE: What are you doing?
SOOKIE: Making breakfast.
LUKE: You can't make breakfast here.
SOOKIE: Got any plates that aren't cracked?
LUKE: You're the one that's cracked.
SOOKIE: Nice thing to say to a pregnant woman.
LUKE: You're pregnant?
LORELAI: Could you be any farther behind?
SOOKIE: Yo, Caesar, help my guys and there's a twenty in it for you.
LUKE: We both can't be making different stuff at the same time.
LORELAI: You know, you're right. Listen, all you people who were here before we inv*de, are you willing to cancel your current orders for Sookie's famous blueberry-lemon pancakes, Belgian waffles or bananas foster?
MAN: Sure.
WOMAN: Sounds good.
SOOKIE: Okay, pull all of Luke's stuff off the grill and let's get cooking!
LUKE: I'm an island.
LORELAI: Luke, I'm sorry about all this, but I'm not anticipating the inn catching f*re ever again, so it's a one time only thing, okay?
LUKE: Like I have a choice?
LORELAI: You do. Say the word and we go.
LUKE: Stay, cook, eat. I'll be upstairs.
LORELAI: You're a doll.
SOOKIE: No, get rid of it! Dump it, dump it! I don't wanna see it!
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory is entertaining some kids by using her socks to give a puppet show. Lorelai walks over]
RORY: "Where are you going? I told you to take out the garbage!" "Nag, nag, nag. I wanna watch football and sit in my reclining chair." "Get back here or I'm gonna get you. . ." [sees Lorelai] Oh, hey, guys, hold on a second.
BOY: No, keep going.
RORY: Oh, calm down there, little scooter. I'll be right back.
[Rory walks over to Lorelai]
LORELAI: Hey Shari Lewis, how's the show going?
RORY: Oh, they're riveted.
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: Yeah, but I stink. I keep repeating the same stuff over and over again.
LORELAI: Must be working.
RORY: But I named them Mr. and Mrs. Sock Puppet. I put no energy into this.
BOY: Come back, Rory.
RORY: You would think that a lame-o sock puppet show would bore them to tears.
LORELAI: It's your narrative skills. I mean, is he gonna take the garbage out, is he not gonna take the garbage out? I'm on the edge of my seat.
RORY: Yeah, but they won't let me stop and I have to get to school eventually.
LORELAI: Okay. [to kids] Hey, guys, go on over to the diner and have breakfast with your families, and then ask the nice man in the baseball hat and the flannel shirt to do sock puppets for you. And if he says no, just ask him louder it's part of the game!
BOY: Oh boy!
LORELAI: Go!
[the kids run toward the diner]
RORY: You're cruel and they love you.
LORELAI: Come check in at Patty's with me.
CUT TO MISS PATTY'S STUDIO
[A table has been set up with a computer, phone, and other supplies as the temporary inn headquarters. Michel, Babette, and Miss Patty are at the table.]
BABETTE: I love computers, I just know nothing about them. What does pushing that F3 button do?
MICHEL: Annoy me to no end.
BABETTE: What about the F4?
[the phone rings]
MISS PATTY: [answers] Hello, this is the Independence Inn emergency headquarters. I'm Miss patty, I'll be assisting you today. How may I help you? [pause] The printer will be here in half an hour, I'll let him know. Thank you. Goodbye. [hangs up] The printer will
MICHEL: I heard, and you've got to shorten your greeting.
MISS PATTY: What?
MICHEL: You do not need to recite the Gettysburg Address every time you answer the phone.
MISS PATTY: I was Ricardo Montalban's receptionist for six months and he never complained.
MICHEL: Who?
MISS PATTY: Don't make me h*t you.
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
LORELAI: You all set up here?
MICHEL: Computer with Internet, phones forwarded here, printer on the way.
MISS PATTY: I'm the receptionist.
BABETTE: And I'm learning the computer.
MICHEL: And I'm looking for my cyanide capsule have you seen it?
LORELAI: It's nice of you to help guys, thanks. Now, at least half the Poe group needs to stay another night, so we're gonna need to find places to put them up.
MICHEL: Everything is booked.
LORELAI: You checked the Cheshire Cat, the Maiden's Teacup, the Cookie House, the Sugarbear Inn?
MICHEL: Every place that sounds like Glinda the Good Witch threw up, yes all booked.
LORELAI: Well, then, we're gonna have to take people in.
MISS PATTY: Well, I can take a couple in, sweetie.
BABETTE: I can, too. We got cots. Ooh-hoo-hoo, we got cots.
LORELAI: Great. Michel?
MICHEL: Forget it. The Poes are weird. I'd fear being k*lled in my sleep. Plus, I don't like strangers using my toilet.
BABETTE: I bet the Kims could put people up. And Taylor. And Al.
LORELAI: And we've got our couch and my room.
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: They can have my room, not yours.
LORELAI: No, hon, mine's fine.
RORY: Mom, no, mine. You are stressed out enough without losing your room. You need your rest, so you keep your bed, period.
LORELAI: I'll look selfish.
RORY: Well, if anyone calls you that, I'll kick their sorry butts.
LORELAI: Okay, your room under protest.
BABETTE: Hey Michel, I just h*t F4 and the num lock key and the one with the little apple on it and it's freaking out like it's on acid or something.
MICHEL: Oy vey.
[phone rings]
MISS PATTY: I got it. [answers] Yeah?
MICHEL: Well, you need to say more than that.
MISS PATTY: Well, make up your mind.
RORY: I've gotta go, but page me if there's any news or anything.
LORELAI: Okay. You mean, like if Michel kills Babette and then Patty then himself in a bizarre m*rder-m*rder-su1c1de pact?
RORY: Amongst other things.
[they hug]
LORELAI: We had a f*re.
RORY: I know. Bye.
CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM
MRS. O'MALLEY: It'll be the last midterm of your high school careers, so rejoice over that if nothing else. [bell rings] Now, before you go, I just wanna mention that it looks like another banner year for Chilton grads seeking top colleges. I wanna congratulate all of those who have heard and advise patience for all of you who have not. No one has escaped from Chilton without going onto another terrific school if that is his or her goal.
LOUISE: Good to hear.
MRS. O'MALLEY: And I know that at least one of you has been accepted to Harvard. It's an immense honor, that. Congratulations.
[students start to leave]
RORY: Have you guys heard from Paris?
MADELINE: Heard what?
RORY: Anything?
LOUISE: She's not here?
RORY: She's been gone for five days.
LOUISE: Huh.
MADELINE: Didn't notice.
LOUISE: Although, it did seem like there was a lot more air in here.
CUT TO PARIS' BEDROOM
[Paris is in bed watching television. There's a knock at the door. She ignores it, and there's a second knock]
PARIS: Come back for the tray later, Nanny.
RORY: It's not Nanny, Paris. It's Rory. Can I come in?
PARIS: I guess.
[Rory walks in]
RORY: Hi. I brought a bunch of school stuff from the past few days. If there's anything missing, I can bring it over later.
PARIS: Thank you. No offense, but my soap's starting.
RORY: So, you're sick, huh?
PARIS: You know what's wrong. You of all people. That's Martin. His sister-in-law got kidnapped and he thinks his former lover is behind it.
RORY: Juicy.
PARIS: So, don't you have an announcement?
RORY: What do you mean?
PARIS: Did you get in?
RORY: You know, we don't have to. . .
PARIS: I know you did. You've got that Harvard glow about you, the glow of destiny.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: Just tell me.
RORY: I got in.
PARIS: Ugh, Amanda and Richard. I'm so over them.
RORY: So you've been incommunicado lately.
PARIS: I've had Nanny hold all my calls, and the mail. My parents are away, so I've been totally Howard Hughes-ing it.
RORY: So did you tell them about Harvard?
PARIS: No.
RORY: Don't you think you should?
PARIS: No.
RORY: Well, don't you think they'll find out?
PARIS: How?
RORY: Well, you not moving out might be a tip-off.
PARIS: I'll get an apartment in Cambridge, buy a Harvard sweatshirt, talk about Mira Sorvino a lot. It's doable. I did tell my mother about having sex with Jamie, and her only reaction was to talk about how my father hasn't pleased her in fifteen years.
RORY: Yikes.
PARIS: Like I couldn't tell.
RORY: And what's going on with your boyfriend?
PARIS: I haven't called him either.
RORY: So the only people in your life right now work at General Hospital?
PARIS: This isn't General Hospital. I don't deserve General Hospital.
RORY: Okay, you've got to stop doing this.
PARIS: What happened? Harvard was my destiny. I was flipping through Harvard class schedules when you were still delighting to The Adventures of Gumby and Pokie.
RORY: I was more of a Pee Wee Herman kind of gal.
PARIS: It's partly my parents' fault, they didn't brand me properly. I should've been at the 92nd Street Y or Brick Church.
RORY: Prep schools?
PARIS: Pre-schools. It decides everything. But I'm not totally blameless. I found a spot in my interview that I'm sure doomed me.
RORY: You recorded your Harvard interview?
PARIS: The plan was to archive everything, then donate it to the university upon my demise. Little did I expect that my demise would come this early.
[she presses play on a handheld tape recorder]
Paris: . . .shouldn't even be taken into account. This dovetails nicely into my feelings about population control. It's a little hot in here, can we do something about that? Anyway, population control has been dramatically successful in most European countries to the detriment of some, especially Italy, which is experiencing a marked drop
Interviewer: Do you think this has anything to do with
Paris: Whoa, whoa, just let me finish my thought here.
Interviewer: But Paris. . .
Paris: Please!
[Paris stops the tape recorder]
RORY: Well, you said please, that's very polite.
PARIS: I sound like a meth addict. I might as well record the new Justin Timberlake over this.
RORY: I hate that you're torturing yourself like this, in bed like this.
PARIS: Proust wrote all three thousand pages of In Search of Lost Time in bed. If it's good enough for him. [Rory grabs the remote and turns the TV off] Hey!
RORY: Bed is not a life plan, and you, my friend, need a life plan, so here it is. You need to tell your parents about Harvard. You need to start taking calls from people. You need to check the mail so that you can see the other millions of universities that have no doubt accepted you and that are probably dying to be in the Paris Gellar business. You need to call your boyfriend back because he's going to be worried about you and because none of this is his fault, and you need to start by getting the hell out of bed.
PARIS: You did not just say "be in the Paris Gellar business."
RORY: You know what I meant.
PARIS: There is no alternative to Harvard.
RORY: Except Princeton, Yale, Columbia, Stanford, Sarah Lawrence, et cetera, et cetera.
PARIS: Well, maybe you're right.
RORY: I'm unquestionably right.
PARIS: But I'm not jumping up this second.
RORY: You don't have to rush it.
PARIS: And I'm going to have to keep watching this, at least until Adriana's wrongful conviction for aggravated as*ault is overturned.
RORY: I understand.
PARIS: Thanks.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks to the living room, where a little boy is on the couch]
LORELAI: You've got your remote, your water, your comic books. Looks like we've got you all set up here, Fred Junior.
FRED JR: Yes, ma'am.
LORELAI: Oh, ma'am. You make me feel old. Stop it.
FRED JR: Yes, ma'am.
LORELAI: No, I mean it, stop it.
FRED JR: Okay.
[Fred walks down the staircase]
FRED: I think we're out of toothpaste.
LORELAI: Oh, sorry, Fred. Below the sink there's plenty more.
FRED: Oh, thank you. This is kind of fun.
LORELAI: Oh, well, it's fun having you guys.
[Lorelai walks to Rory's room, where Rory's making the bed]
LORELAI: Aw, I would've done that.
RORY: I feel weird now.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: About other people sleeping in my bed.
LORELAI: Oh, honey, don't worry. Fred and his wife don't seem. . .
RORY: Don't seem what?
LORELAI: Like they're feeling extremely romantic.
RORY: Oh, God, that didn't even cross my mind.
LORELAI: You're kidding! That's all I would've thought of.
RORY: Well, I'm thinking about it now, thank you very much.
LORELAI: Got all your stuff for Lane's?
RORY: Yeah, it wasn't a hard packing job.
[Lorelai glances at some of Rory's papers]
LORELAI: Wow, these have really changed.
RORY: What have?
LORELAI: The pro/con lists. In all the hubbub, they slipped my mind. Yale.
RORY: What about it?
LORELAI: Yale.
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: Yale.
RORY: Stop saying Yale.
LORELAI: It has double the pros of the other two.
RORY: I wouldn't say double.
LORELAI: Triple over filthy, dirty Princeton. It's kicking butt.
RORY: But I'm not done collecting my data yet.
LORELAI: You have a document the length of Nicholas Nickleby here. Looks like you're done.
RORY: But. . .
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Look at my wall.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: So that wall says something.
LORELAI: Yeah, it says the Harvard merchandising department made a nice chunk of change off of us.
RORY: But how can I go to Yale with my wall looking like this?
LORELAI: It's a wall. Look, honey, Luke was right. The pro/con lists have to come to an end eventually.
RORY: But Luke also reminded us that it was supposed to be Harvard regardless of a list. Everyone thinks that.
LORELAI: I don't. I don't. I know I'm the one who said no to Yale loudly and a lot, but not anymore. Really, I just want what's right.
RORY: I know, but it has to be right for both of us.
LORELAI: If it's right for you, it's really right for me.
RORY: But I don't want you to hate the place I'm going.
LORELAI: Never.
[Fred and his wife come to the doorway]
FRED: Oh. Uh, are you not ready for us yet?
LORELAI: Oh, no, we're ready for you, Fred.
FRED: We hate to put you out.
RORY: No, it's perfectly okay.
LORELAI: I'm guessing you two are gonna fall sound asleep the minute your heads h*t that pillow.
FRED: Oh yeah, we're exhausted.
RORY: Have a good night.
LORELAI: Yeah, guys, yell if you need anything. [quietly] I don't wanna hear you yelling for any other reason.
RORY: Shh!
[Lorelai and Rory walk into the kitchen]
LORELAI: Ah. So where's Jess tonight?
RORY: Working.
LORELAI: He works a lot, doesn't he?
RORY: He's saving a lot, too.
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: He wants a better car. The one he's got keeps stalling.
LORELAI: And he's still working at Luke's, too, right?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: So is he down to part-time at school?
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: Getting work credit or something?
RORY: No, he's going full time.
LORELAI: Oh yeah?
RORY: Why do you say that?
LORELAI: I don't know. It's just, Wal-Mart, working at Luke's, squiring you around town. . .it just seems like a lot of his time's accounted for.
RORY: Well, that's crazy. He's a senior, he's going to school full time.
LORELAI: Just wondering.
RORY: Rest.
LORELAI: I'll try.
RORY: And don't start the sock puppets with Fred Junior or he'll never let you stop. Bye.
LORELAI: Bye.
[As Rory walks out the back door, the doorbell rings; Lorelai walks toward the front door]
LORELAI: Excitement here never stops, Fred Junior.
[Lorelai pulls open the door]
MR. HATLESTAD: Hi there.
LORELAI: The Hatlestads, hi. I thought you went home.
MR. HATLESTAD: Well, breakfast was so great and the town's so nice, and you made staying over sound so fun, that we decided to take you up on it.
LORELAI: Oh.
MR. HATLESTAD: Is that okay?
LORELAI: It's more than okay. Come on in, cause you're staying here.
MR. HATLESTAD: Thank you. [they walk into the house]
LORELAI: Your bedroom's right upstairs, you can't miss it.
MR. HATLESTAD: Terrific, thanks. [they start walking up the stairs]
LORELAI: How much room you take up on that couch there, Fred Junior?
FRED JR: Pretty much all of it.
LORELAI: That's what I figured.
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Rory and Lane are making up their cots in the store area]
RORY: So, who do you have staying in your room?
LANE: The second Poe and his wife.
RORY: Well, for your sake, I hope they are very, very tired.
LANE: Why?
[cell phone rings]
RORY: Nothing. I shouldn't have said anything. [answers phone] Hello?
LORELAI: I'm a nomad.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I am the lonely wanderer. Hank Williams would be too sad to write a song about me.
RORY: Where are you?
LORELAI: Oh, I'm a Bedouin. I'm homeless!
RORY: Okay, stop with that. Where are you?
LORELAI: I'm walking aimlessly around town.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: The Hatlestads showed up.
RORY: But they went home.
LORELAI: Apparently I made the whole emergency f*re accommodations sound so fun that they had second thoughts.
RORY: You're a terrific salesman.
LORELAI: And a terrific idiot.
RORY: So where are you right this second?
LORELAI: Oh, I'm in the middle of the street, a.k.a. my bedroom.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I'm by the school, Luke's, that area.
RORY: Luke's, good. Go there.
LORELAI: It's closed.
RORY: But Luke is upstairs.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: Ask him if you can stay.
LORELAI: But
RORY: I bet the answer's yes.
LORELAI: He'll make me eat a veggie burger!
RORY: Get moving.
LORELAI: Fine. Bye.
RORY: Bye.
[they hang up. Lorelai walks up to the diner and bangs on the door]
LORELAI: [yells] Luke! Luke! Stella!
[She throws a rock at his apartment window. Luke opens it and leans out]
LUKE: Who is that?
LORELAI: Lorelai.
LUKE: What are you doing down there?
LORELAI: Enjoying some air, getting some exercise, and freezing.
LUKE: Well, go home.
LORELAI: Home? I have no home. Hunted, despised.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It's from Ed Wood, the movie.
LUKE: Have you gone bonkers?
LORELAI: People are bunking at my place and I need somewhere to stay.
LUKE: And it just occurred to you now to look for a place?
LORELAI: The stupid Hatlestads showed up.
LUKE: Who?
[A women leans out a nearby window]
MRS. SLUTSKY: Pipe down out there!
LUKE: Go back to bed, Mrs. Slutsky!
MRS. SLUTSKY: Don't talk to me that way, young man!
LORELAI: Throw your keys down.
MRS. SLUTSKY: I will not!
LORELAI: No, Luke, Mrs. Slutsky.
LUKE: I'll just come down.
MRS. SLUTSKY: Do something!
LORELAI: Ditto.
LUKE: I'm coming down.
LORELAI: Okay.
[Luke leaves the window. Lorelai and Mrs. Slutsky stare at each other]
LORELAI: My my inn caught f*re. [pause] Hurry, Luke.
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Rory and Lane are sitting in their cots. Lane is on the phone]
LANE: No, Young Chui, it was right to break up with her. Why stay in a relationship when it's not going anywhere? . . .Life's too short, exactly. . . .No, I told you a joke last night, I need more time to come up with another one. . . Look, it's getting late. I got my math test tomorrow, I better go. . .Yeah, I'll call you to tell you how it went. . . Okay, night. [hangs up]
RORY: So Young Chui and his girlfriend are broken up, huh?
LANE: Yeah, and good riddance. She was very waspy.
RORY: What about you and Young Chui? Are you broken up?
LANE: No, my mom still thinks we're the perfect young Korean couple.
RORY: Weren't you supposed to be broken up by now?
LANE: Yeah, but Young Chui thinks it isn't time yet.
RORY: Why? This is a fake relationship. You were never really going out.
LANE: I don't know. I bring it up every night and he just changes the subject.
RORY: You talk every night?
LANE: Pretty much. He's a little needy right now.
RORY: That's a lot of talking.
LANE: Well, we're friends.
RORY: Just friends?
LANE: What are you getting at?
RORY: Just that he's calling you every night and he keeps putting off your break-up, so God knows when you'll be able to date Dave Rygalski. He's asking you to tell him jokes and to let him know how your math test went. . .
LANE: So?
RORY: So. . . it sounds like he's in love with you.
LANE: No. No. Young Chui is not in love with me. And it's not for you to take an innocent friendship like Young Chui and I have, with its air of innocence and its. . .innocence. Oh my God, he loves me. That stupid boy's fallen in love with me!
RORY: It's not stupid. You're a catch.
LANE: But not his catch, I'm Dave's catch. I've already been caught.
RORY: You probably need to be more direct.
LANE: That fool. And I can't break up with him or my mom will never let me date. It's gotta come from him. What do I do?
[Jess knocks on the window]
RORY: Just a second? [she walks over to the window and opens it]
JESS: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
JESS: Bizarro day, huh?
RORY: Wouldn't wanna repeat it.
JESS: The inn's still closed?
RORY: Just til tomorrow.
JESS: What caused it?
RORY: They're not sure. Something electrical, probably.
JESS: That's usually the culprit. Something the matter?
RORY: No.
JESS: Good.
RORY: So how was school?
JESS: Same ol', same ol'.
RORY: You're still doing okay?
JESS: Doing my reading, writing, and arithmetic.
RORY: And you're still going, right?
JESS: What? Where's this coming from?
RORY: There's been speculation.
JESS: From who?
RORY: My mom asked whether you're going full time to school.
JESS: Your mom?
RORY: Yeah.
JESS: Why's she so interested?
RORY: Because you're dating her daughter.
JESS: Oh, great, what else does she think I did? Start the f*re, put Phil Spector up to it?
RORY: I told her yes, you were going.
JESS: Well, as they say on the Family Feud, good answer.
RORY: So, I didn't lie to her?
JESS: No.
RORY: No?
JESS: Look, don't worry, I got it under control.
RORY: Jess.
JESS: I'm going enough. I've been picking up some extra shifts here and there, but I'm fine. It's Mickey Mouse stuff anyway. What it takes the others hours to learn, it takes me minutes.
RORY: Well, if you're behind. . .
JESS: I'm not behind.
RORY: But if you get behind, I can help you catch up.
JESS: Got it covered.
RORY: If you say so.
JESS: I do.
RORY: Okay.
JESS: So how bout you come out?
[Mrs. Kim walks into the room holding a bat]
MRS. KIM: What's this?
LANE: He was just leaving, Mama.
MRS. KIM: Why is he here at all?
LANE: He came to borrow something. Here. [she picks up something from the table and walks it over to Jess]
JESS: Thank you. [to Mrs. Kim] Baseball bat?
MRS. KIM: Cricket.
JESS: Night.
[Jess leaves, Mrs. Kim locks the window]
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Lorelai and Luke are making up the bed.]
LUKE: Oh, don't do that.
LORELAI: Don't do what?
LUKE: Don't pull the sheet back after I pull it. I need more for this side.
[they continue making the bed]
LUKE: You pulled it back again.
LORELAI: Okay, I need it for my side.
LUKE: I need it to tuck in.
LORELAI: Same here.
LUKE: I always tuck it in on this side.
LORELAI: Let's tuck it in on both sides.
LUKE: You tuck a bed in on both sides?
LORELAI: Yes, and then I slip down into it like I'm in a straitjacket or something.
LUKE: Oh, you must feel right at home there.
LORELAI: I so set you up for that.
LUKE: Fine, tuck it in on your side.
[Luke walks toward the couch]
LORELAI: You know, I really should take the couch. Me taking the bed doesn't feel right.
LUKE: Oh, now, come on.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: You browbeat me into giving you the bed and pretending you don't want it now isn't working.
LORELAI: I'm pretending to try to be polite.
LUKE: I'm fine with the couch. You're the one that's exhausted.
LORELAI: You know, I'm actually not.
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: I'm, like, strangely exhilarated. I mean, as awful as what happened today was, I'm happy with how I handled it. You know, you never know how you're gonna react in situations like this until something happens and I think I did pretty well.
LUKE: Yeah, I do, too.
[the phone rings.]
LUKE: [answers] Hello? . . .oh, hey, Nicole, hi. . .Yeah, I'm good. . . Oh, not much. There was a f*re at the local inn out here and. . .Yeah, the one she works at, yeah. . .Everybody's fine. Yeah, just a lot of chaos for awhile. So how was your thing today? . . . All right, fill me in tomorrow. . . Seven's good. . .Okay. . . Okay, yeah. . .Goodnight. [hangs up] That was Nicole.
LORELAI: So I heard. Why didn't you tell her I was here?
LUKE: Didn't come up.
LORELAI: You mean, she didn't out of the clear blue and for no reason ask you if I was sleeping over?
LUKE: Just didn't seem necessary.
LORELAI: Well, you have nothing to hide here. You just took in a refugee.
LUKE: I know there's nothing to hide. It's just that. . .you've kinda become a. . .
LORELAI: Become what?
LUKE: A sore point with me and Nicole.
LORELAI: What, how?
LUKE: Well, on our first date, I was a little nervous and I wasn't having any luck coming up with topics, so I was just kinda blabbing a lot. And then she ordered extra fries at dinner, so it reminded me of you and I told her a quick story about you and French fries, and that seemed fine. And then later, she ordered a third cup of coffee. . .
LORELAI: Oh, Luke.
LUKE: And I mentioned you and your coffee thing, and I noticed that Nicole kind of reacted a little, and ever since then, she's been a little sensitive to the issue.
LORELAI: Well, of course she is, Luke. You don't talk about another woman on a first date.
LUKE: Even if it's just a friend?
LORELAI: They don't exist.
LUKE: Come on.
LORELAI: Not on a first date.
LUKE: No other women exist on a first date, not even my mother?
LORELAI: Do you really think talking about your mother on a first date is wise?
LUKE: Not really.
LORELAI: You can maybe mention a sister, maybe. And then you move on really, really quickly.
LUKE: This is why I hate dating.
LORELAI: Well, unless you wanna be Mountain Man all your life, you've got to abide by the rules and customs. Ooh, sorry, I have to get up super early tomorrow.
LUKE: No problem. What time?
LORELAI: Six.
LUKE: I get up at quarter to five every morning.
LORELAI: Why in the world would you get up that early?
LUKE: I don't know, to run my business?
LORELAI: Well, change businesses. Ooh, wow, total déjà vu.
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: It's the alarm clock. I had a dream once that you set eighteen alarm clocks to get me up, which is not a bad way to get me up.
LUKE: Where were we?
LORELAI: We were, um, at my house. I got up, I went downstairs for coffee, and you talked to my stomach.
LUKE: Why on earth I do that?
LORELAI: Well, because I was pregnant. Twins.
LUKE: Mine?
LORELAI: What am I, dream tramp? Of course yours.
LUKE: We were married?
LORELAI: Um, yeah. Did I not mention that?
LUKE: No. You know, you shouldn't drink coffee when you're pregnant.
LORELAI: Uh, true.
LUKE: It's probably why Rory's a caffeine addict.
LORELAI: Right, you're right.
LUKE: Dream go beyond that?
LORELAI: No. Um, you talked to my stomach and then you ki. . .well, no.
LUKE: Oh, okay. Well. . .night.
LORELAI: Yeah, night.
CUT TO LATER THAT NIGHT
[Luke and Jess are snoring loudly. Lorelai has trouble sleeping, so she gets up and leaves]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Rory gets some coffee from the counter and sits down at a table with Lorelai]
RORY: Luke and Sookie have worked things out.
LORELAI: There does seem to be a grudging respect thing going on.
SOOKIE: Get the ricotta fritters started, guys. I wanna serve those first.
LUKE: Hey, we making the Cajun Eggs Benedict again?
SOOKIE: I don't know, we could.
LUKE: Let's do it, it was good.
SOOKIE: Well, the Cajun was all your doing.
LUKE: Only because I knocked the cayenne pepper into your hollandaise.
SOOKIE: Hey, how do you think they invented the Reese's cup and penicillin, my friend? We can win the Nobel here.
[Jess walks down from upstairs]
JESS: Morning.
LUKE: You're up early.
JESS: Gotta catch me that worm. See ya.
LUKE: Where you off to?
JESS: School.
LUKE: This early?
JESS: I got a lab project going on. Me and my team are meeting early.
LUKE: Well, have a good day.
JESS: If I have a choice. [walks over to Rory and Lorelai] Hey.
LORELAI: Good morning.
JESS: Talk to you later.
RORY: Later.
[Jess leaves; Lorelai's cell phone rings]
LORELAI: By the way, your boyfriend snores.
RORY: Didn't need to know that.
LORELAI: [answers phone] Hello. . .it is?. . .oh, I love you, I love you. . .thanks. [hangs up] We're open. Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please. That was just Chief Baker on the phone who told me in that deep sexy voice of his that the inn is officially reopened. Uh, right now it's just me and the staffers, but soon, very soon, you will have your stuff back and you can go home.
FRED: Thank you, Lorelai. Listen, from our group, we want to give you this. [hands her a stuffed raven]
LORELAI: Oh, well, that's the nicest d*ad bird I've ever gotten. Thanks, Fred.
POE 2: It's from all of us.
LORELAI: Right. Thank you Poe Society. Coming Sookie?
SOOKIE: I'm coming. Okay, you need to caramelize the hazelnuts for the brioche French toast, add some Madeira to the pear-poaching liquid and add some chives to the cream for the sheared eggs.
LUKE: Don't burn anything, got it.
RORY: I've gotta change for school.
LORELAI: Go, go, we'll see you later.
SOOKIE: Let's go.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Michel and Chief Baker are waiting on the porch as Lorelai and Sookie walk up]
MICHEL: Ah, here they are.
LORELAI: Hi, Michel. Hi, Chief. Don't we love our chief?
SOOKIE: I bet he can b*at up all the other chiefs.
LORELAI: For sure he can.
MICHEL: Can we get on with this?
CHIEF BAKER: Let me just unlock the door here.
LORELAI: Michel, the first thing I wanna do is get into all the rooms and get all the guests' stuff into the lobby and organized for them to pick up. Sookie, go to the kitchen and let me know what's what. Maybe we can open for dinner.
CHIEF BAKER: Dinner?
LORELAI: Yeah.
CHIEF BAKER: Anyone give you a heads up about what's inside?
LORELAI: No.
CHIEF BAKER: You might wanna wait til you get inside to make your plans. And go slow.
[Lorelai, Sookie and Michel enter the inn and survey the f*re damage in the lobby. Meanwhile at Lorelai's house, Rory enters to find the Harvard paraphernalia on her bedroom walls has been replaced with Yale paraphernalia.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x17 - A Tale Of Poes And f*re"} | foreverdreaming |
3.18 - Happy Birthday, Baby
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Gail Mancuso
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, and Emily are sitting at the dining room table]
EMILY: Richard, please, we are starving!
RICHARD: [calls from kitchen] I will be right there, Emily.
EMILY: This is ridiculous.
LORELAI: Mom, relax.
EMILY: He woke up this morning and suddenly just had to have this dish that his grandmother would make him.
LORELAI: Yeah, we all understand the cravings.
RICHARD: [calls] It's a family secret.
EMILY: Well, last time I checked, I was family.
RORY: He's having fun, Grandma.
EMILY: I saw an open can of cream of mushroom soup. Nothing good can come of that.
[Richard walks in carrying a casserole dish]
RICHARD: Here we are, a treat for the masses.
RORY: Smells good.
RICHARD: Oh, this is my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied turned up her nose at me.
LORELAI: Well, then load me up because there was this really cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing.
EMILY: Richard, at least let Pina serve it.
LORELAI: No comment on my lesbian hilarity. My, how far we've come.
RICHARD: Pina will serve tiny, proper servings. Johnny Machete needs to be presented in a heap.
RORY: Johnny Machete?
EMILY: That's the name of this vile concoction.
RORY: It's delicious.
LORELAI: It's not bad.
EMILY: It's twelve different colors.
LORELAI: Come on, Mom, eat it.
EMILY: It looks like someone already did.
RICHARD: Emily.
EMILY: I'm sorry. I'm happy you're happy, and to prove it, I will take exactly three bites of this before I throw it out.
RICHARD: Thank you.
EMILY: You're welcome.
RICHARD: So, good food, good company. Now, let's move onto good conversation. Rory, what is new in your life?
RORY: Well, funny you should mention it. . .
LORELAI: Now?
RORY: Why not?
LORELAI: Okay. Mom, Dad, we have some really big news.
RORY: I got my college acceptance letters back.
LORELAI: Harvard, Princeton, and Yale.
RORY: And after giving it a lot of thought, I have decided. I'm going to Yale.
LORELAI: Did you hear that Yale!
RORY: I'm going to Yale!
LORELAI: That's where you went, Dad.
RORY: You liked it, remember?
EMILY: Pass the Johnny Machete, please.
LORELAI: Pass the. . .
RORY: I don't understand. I thought you wanted me to go to Yale.
EMILY: No, we didn't.
RICHARD: Absolutely not.
EMILY: What gave you that idea?
LORELAI: Mom, Dad, look, I know we've had our differences over where Rory should go to school, but that's behind us now. She's going to Yale, and that's good. Really good.
RORY: Nothing but smiles.
LORELAI: We're both very happy about it.
RORY: Both.
LORELAI: Her and me.
RORY: She and I.
LORELAI: Everybody in this room named Lorelai is over the moon about the going to Yale.'
RORY: Which means that everybody else in this room not named Lorelai can be equally over the moon about the going to Yale.'
RICHARD: I'm getting the champagne.
EMILY: I'm calling the Talbotts.
RICHARD: Oh, make sure you gloat over that dimwitted son of theirs who couldn't even get into Brown.
EMILY: She's going to Yale!
RICHARD: She's going to Yale!
[they start to walk away, then both turn back to kiss Rory]
RICHARD: When I get back, I'll teach you the fight song.
[opening credits]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai is in the lobby talking with the construction worker]
LORELAI: So?
TOM: It looks b*rned.
LORELAI: Thank you. How long to make it not looked b*rned?
TOM: Uh, geez, maybe two
LORELAI: Tom, let me help you out. The answer I'm looking for is ten days because that's when I have to get guests back in here again.
TOM: Okay, ten days.
LORELAI: Are you lying to me?
TOM: What's the answer you're looking for there?
LORELAI: Never mind, just go fast.
TOM: Go fast, huh? Never heard that one before.
[Sookie walks over]
SOOKIE: Well, everything's fine in the kitchen. We just have to get the gas line reconnected.
LORELAI: How long's that gonna take?
SOOKIE: I don't know. The plumber's in there now looking at everything.
[Michel walks over]
MICHEL: We forgot to call the Rappaports and they showed up.
LORELAI: Oh my God, what did you do?
MICHEL: Well, luckily they are not too bright so I convinced them they got their days mixed up and I sent them home.
LORELAI: You sent them home? You didn't even try to get them a room somewhere else?
MICHEL: You're welcome.
LORELAI: [to worker] Hey Laura, try to track down the Rappaports and see if you can get them into the Bunnyhop Inn. Thanks. [to Michel and Sookie] Okay, grab a seat and let's get the meeting started.
[a man walks into the lobby]
TOBIN: I'm here, I brought bagels.
LORELAI: Oh, Tobin, great. I'm starving.
TOBIN: Normally I wouldn't think of it, because what bagel stands a chance next to Sookie's magical muffins and scones?
SOOKIE: Oh, Tobin, stop!
TOBIN: Two full pants sizes, my friend, all because of you.
MICHEL: What is he doing here? He is the night manager it's day.
LORELAI: Michel, this is an emergency staff meeting, I need him here.
MICHEL: I told you I cannot be in the same room with him.
LORELAI: It's an hour out of your life, deal with it.
TOBIN: Hold it. In case of soot. [spreads a handkerchief on the seat of Lorelai's chair]
LORELAI: You're very sweet.
TOBIN: Wait, wait. [wipes off the back of Lorelai's chair] Let's let the dry cleaners drum up their own business, huh?
[Tobin starts to sit down]
MICHEL: My chair!
TOBIN: Oh, I'm sorry. [sits in another chair]
[Michel sits down and scoots his chair close to Lorelai]
LORELAI: Okay, so, should we get a room or what?
MICHEL: Will you just start your meeting?
LORELAI: All right. Here's the situation.
TOBIN: Excuse me, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Yeah?
TOBIN: Michel, did you get a bagel?
MICHEL: I don't want a bagel.
TOBIN: Are you sure? They're Kosher.
MICHEL: I don't eat bagels. Bagels are like glue in your intestines and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain there until you die.
SOOKIE: Ew, shut up.
LORELAI: Okay, let's focus. As you know, the f*re pretty much wiped out the dining room and five of the upstairs rooms.
[Tobin sighs]
LORELAI: Tobin, are you okay?
TOBIN: I'm sorry, I just. . .I just love this place so much. I've been the night manager here for five years and I've spent so much time walking these halls, listening for friendly ghosts flying around, playing
MICHEL: Make a point, bagel boy.
TOBIN: It just hurts me to see it wounded, that's all.
LORELAI: Well, it won't be wounded forever. We will rebuild and we'll be back and better than ever. We just need to keep it going until then. So I need some ideas on what to do.
TOBIN: You know, I was thinking. . .I'm sorry, may I?
MICHEL: No.
LORELAI: Go ahead.
TOBIN: Well, if we could get a celebrity in here, that would generate a lot of publicity.
LORELAI: Hm. But how could we get a celebrity in here?
TOBIN: I know Tony Randall and Renee Estevez. I'd be happy to put in a call.
MICHEL: Okay. Look, I hate to bring this up, especially since I mean, how do you top Renee Estevez? But we have a small number of rooms, yes?
LORELAI: Yes.
MICHEL: And the lobby's fine, and Sookie can make certain things at home muffins, baked goods, jams, et cetera.
LORELAI: So?
MICHEL: So that's breakfast, and we have beds, and if we add some free wine and cheese around five in the afternoon. . .
LORELAI: Uh, no. We're not becoming a bed and breakfast. Who's next?
MICHEL: You're being stubborn.
LORELAI: Bed and breakfasts are cutesy and annoying.
SOOKIE: It forces people to mingle.
LORELAI: I do not support the mingling.
MICHEL: Adding a little gimmick will be an incentive for people to keep their reservations.
TOBIN: You know what, I hate to say it, not being a B&B man myself, but Michel is making sense.
MICHEL: Get off my side immediately.
LORELAI: All right, I'll consider it.
MICHEL: Sure, if he says it, you will consider it.
[Tom walks over]
TOM: I gotta show you something.
LORELAI: Is it bad?
TOM: No, it's great. You're gonna be thrilled, really. Warm up, cartwheels are coming.
LORELAI: Keep talking. Be right back.
[Lorelai starts following Tom. Tobin walks up to her]
TOBIN: Excuse me, Lorelai? Listen, I know you're crazed right now, but I also remembered that your birthday is coming up on Friday, and well, I got you a little something.
LORELAI: Oh, you didn't have to do that.
TOBIN: It's very small.
LORELAI: Tobin, I love candles.
TOBIN: And it's scented, cappuccino.
LORELAI: God, that smells great.
TOBIN: I'm really glad you like it.
LORELAI: I do, thanks.
TOBIN: And listen, I'm the night manager here and I'm very proud to be the night manager, but with everything so wacky crazy around here right now, if you need some extra help during the day, please call me.
LORELAI: I may take you up on that offer, Tobin. Thanks.
[Lorelai walks away. Michel and Tobin share a look]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the stairs into the living room]
LORELAI: Stairs squeak.
RORY: Stairs squeak.
LORELAI: There's a chip on the banister.
RORY: Chip on the banister.
LORELAI: The paint's chipped in the archway, and there's a board loose in the entryway. Ooh, and the chimney needs to be swept.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Luke cannot sweep our chimney.
LORELAI: Why not?
RORY: Because you need to be a chimney sweep to sweep a chimney.
LORELAI: Please. If Dick van d*ke can do it, so can Luke.
RORY: Luke is going to be very sorry he ever made this offer to you.
LORELAI: Hey, Luke has given me five free hours of handyman work for my birthday for the last five years.
RORY: And you have grossly exploited that gift every year for the past four years.
LORELAI: Well, I need to make up for that first year where I didn't milk it like I should've.
RORY: The spirit of giving is completely lost on you.
LORELAI: But the spirit of getting is alive and well and it wants its chimney swept. Ooh, put down laundry, too.
RORY: Fine, then can he also build me another bookshelf?
LORELAI: I've never been prouder of you than I am right at this moment.
[the phone rings]
RORY: And tell him to paint little flowers on it.
LORELAI: Cause he's so good with the florals.
[Lorelai walks toward the kitchen as Rory answers the phone]
RORY: Hello?
PARIS: I finished the paper on Dickinson, the Physics test was for a third grader, and I picked the history of the Egyptian political process as my International History project.
RORY: You've been very busy.
PARIS: I've been very bored.
RORY: When are you coming back to school?
PARIS: My parents return tomorrow. I think my mom's bringing home a new face.
RORY: Really?
PARIS: There's a doctor in France who injects some kind of gel into your head and then molds it to give you better cheekbones.
RORY: You are kidding me.
PARIS: She has to sleep on her back for a month, otherwise her face will flatten like a crepe.
RORY: Oh my God, it's Brazil.
PARIS: Anyway, I'll probably have to go back to school when they get home, so. . .
RORY: It will be fine.
PARIS: Are people still talking about my meltdown speech?
RORY: No.
PARIS: Great.
RORY: Who cares what they're saying, Paris?
PARIS: Just give me more homework, it will keep my mind off my life.
RORY: There is no more homework. In fact, I think you've almost finished your first year of college.
PARIS: Well, I just can't sit here thinking. I'll go crazy.
RORY: Why don't you go out and do something fun?
PARIS: Like what?
RORY: I don't know, but it's your last day of freedom. Go be wild. Go crazy. Don't think, just do.
PARIS: Do what?
RORY: You're thinking.
PARIS: But
RORY: Still thinking.
PARIS: What if
RORY: Paris, don't think.
PARIS: Okay, I won't think.
RORY: I'll see you tomorrow.
[hangs up and walks to the kitchen]
LORELAI: Hey, do you think Luke can knock this wall out and build us a bigger kitchen in five hours?
RORY: You'll have to drop the laundry.
LORELAI: Never mind. Oh my God, I'm exhausted.
RORY: Are you too exhausted to talk about birthday week?
LORELAI: I'm never too tired to talk about birthday week.
RORY: Okay, so, Monday I thought we'd start with facials at Sloopy's after school.
LORELAI: Mudpack Monday, I love it.
RORY: Then we'll have double feature Tuesday, Sephora Wednesday, complimentary makeover Thursday, and then, big fat fabulous Friday.
LORELAI: D-day!
RORY: BD-day!
LORELAI: Culminating in the fabulous blowout of a party you're planning.
RORY: Oh, I'm sorry, you wanted a party? I told everyone you didn't wanna make a big deal out of your birthday this year.
LORELAI: You're not funny.
RORY: Miss Patty and Babette wanted to hire these two hot guys to carry you around all day and feed you Bon-Bons, and Kirk wanted to hire the Red Hot Chili Peppers to play a concert in the square, but I said, Hey, please respect the lady's wishes. She deserves that at her age.
LORELAI: Why are you so cruel to Mama?
RORY: I have to go.
LORELAI: Where?
RORY: None of your business.
LORELAI: You are planning something for Friday night, aren't you?
RORY: I'll bring back Chinese for dinner.
LORELAI: And you tell people no matter what they say, I just couldn't accept a new car. It would be beneath me and I'd be completely humiliated. And a convertible would just make me fling myself off a building.
[the phone rings]
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Bye.
[Rory leaves]
LORELAI: [answers phone] Hello?
KAREN: Lorelai Gilmore?
LORELAI: You got her.
KAREN: I'm calling from Richard Gilmore's office.
LORELAI: Never heard of him.
KAREN: Richard Gilmore, your father.
LORELAI: Oh, tall, bow tie?
KAREN: Yes.
LORELAI: Yes, I'm with you now, go ahead.
KAREN: Okay. Well, he'd like to set up an appointment to meet you for coffee. Would tomorrow work for you? Two o'clock?
LORELAI: Well
RICHARD: Make it three, Karen. I have that conference call at two.
LORELAI: Is that my father?
KAREN: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Put him on the phone, please.
KAREN: But
LORELAI: Hand it over, honey.
KAREN: I -
LORELAI: Come on, let's go, chop chop.
RICHARD: What are you doing?
KAREN: She wants to talk to you.
RICHARD: Just tell her I'll meet her tomorrow.
KAREN: I tried, it didn't work.
RICHARD: But I pay you to make my appointments.
LORELAI: Dad!
RICHARD: Lorelai, hello.
LORELAI: Are you telling me that you were sitting right next to this woman while she called me?
RICHARD: She is my secretary, Lorelai.
LORELAI: You were sitting right there?
RICHARD: This is the way a proper business is conducted.
LORELAI: Two feet from the phone?
RICHARD: I'm not going to argue with you. Are you available tomorrow or not?
LORELAI: What is this Dad?
RICHARD: I have something I need to discuss with you.
LORELAI: Well, discuss it now.
RICHARD: I don't have the time now.
LORELAI: Well, put Mrs. Huh-wiggins on the phone. Have her tell me.
RICHARD: Please, Lorelai, can you meet me tomorrow at three o'clock or not?
LORELAI: Fine, where?
RICHARD: I will have Karen call you tomorrow to confirm it and tell you the place.
LORELAI: Why can't you just tell me now?
RICHARD: Leave me just a semblance of my structure, please.
LORELAI: Fine. I'll talk to the woman sitting right next to you tomorrow.
CUT TO WESTON'S BAKERY
[Rory is at the counter placing an order]
FRAN: So, that's a four foot chocolate cake with individual vanilla cupcakes on top spelling out Happy 16th Birthday Lorelai?
RORY: That's right.
FRAN: Would you like butter cream or whipped cream frosting on that?
RORY: Can you do both?
FRAN: That's a lot of frosting.
RORY: I know, but it's my mom's favorite part. Once we tried to make a cake entirely out of frosting, which turned out to be better in theory than in actual execution.
FRAN: Well, both frostings it is then. What time do you want to pick it up?
RORY: Miss Patty will pick it up around five.
FRAN: All right, you're all set.
RORY: Thanks, Fran.
[Lane walks in]
LANE: We have a glitch.
RORY: What?
LANE: Well, apparently, the world's largest pizza was 122 feet, 8 inches.
RORY: What?
LANE: It says it right there.
RORY: Well, obviously we can't do that.
LANE: Obviously.
RORY: So, then, we'll have to make it the largest pizza in Connecticut.
LANE: Actually, Litchfield made one last year that was 98 feet.
RORY: Pete said the biggest they could do was a twelve footer.
LANE: Maybe you could make her the world's biggest something else.
RORY: Like what?
LANE: I don't know. Taco?
RORY: I think the world's biggest taco would be a little difficult to serve, don't you?
LANE: Well, it would definitely be more of a commitment.
RORY: We'll just have to tell her it's the world's biggest pizza.
LANE: Lie to her on her birthday?
RORY: It's for her own good. So, how's the music selection coming?
LANE: Good. I've decided to choose one song from each year in Lorelai's life. I'm almost done, though I've h*t a snag in 1974.
RORY: Bad year?
LANE: It's making the year of the Macarena look inspired.
[Rory and Lane come out of the bakery and start walking down the street]
RORY: Hey, can you stash this at your house til the party? It's just favors and stuff. [hands Lane some shopping bags]
LANE: Ironic, isn't it? You having to hide things at my house for a change.
RORY: Life has come full circle. [they run into Jess walking out of the video store]
JESS: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
JESS: I got the video for tonight.
RORY: What'd you get?
JESS: Almost Famous.
RORY: No, not again.
JESS: I can't help it, I'm addicted.
RORY: Fine, but if I'm going to spend two hours sitting there watching Kate Hudson commit su1c1de again, then we are ordering Indian food.
JESS: Oh, come on.
RORY: Hey, last night when we watched Ed Wood we got burgers like you wanted to.
JESS: Okay, fine tonight, Indian food, but tomorrow, Saturday Night Fever and Thai food.
LANE: That's so cute. You're like a really sweet old agoraphobic couple.
JESS: Thank you very much.
LANE: Okay, I've gotta go. Bye.
RORY: Bye.
[Lane leaves. Rory and Jess walk down the street]
JESS: So, it's been a couple days since you made the big decision. You still going to Yale?
RORY: Yes, I am. It's got all the classes I want and some really great teachers, and plus, you know, as an added bonus, it's really close to here.
JESS: 22.8 miles.
RORY: How'd you know that?
JESS: Do you Yahoo?
RORY: You looked it up?
JESS: Yeah.
RORY: You looked it up.
JESS: I just h*t a couple buttons on the computer.
RORY: You looked it up.
JESS: I was bored. There was nothing on TV and I was fooling around, it was something to do, that's it.
RORY: You looked it up.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Taylor and Nicole are sitting at a table going over some paperwork]
TAYLOR: I'd like the wording to be a little harsher.
NICOLE: Taylor, it already says that if Aunt Tilly's Taffy delivers even two hours late, they forfeit all payment for that particular shipment and are liable for any loss of income that may result from that late delivery. It's pretty extreme.
TAYLOR: Well, it may seem extreme, but these candy people are shifty characters.
NICOLE: Why don't we leave the wording like it is for now and see how things go? We can always get tougher later if necessary.
LUKE: Yeah, you can send over a couple of Oompa Loompas to kick the crap out of Aunt Tilly.
TAYLOR: Are you still dating him?
NICOLE: Yes, I am.
TAYLOR: Why?
NICOLE: Oh, Taylor.
TAYLOR: I mean, if you're lonely, I have a nephew I would love to introduce to you. He just got back from a three-year stint in a biosphere in Arizona. Can I give him your number?
LUKE: No.
TAYLOR: I'm not talking to you.
LUKE: It's my lucky day. Is he done?
TAYLOR: All right, fine. We'll leave it your way and see how it works out. [leaves]
LUKE: So, listen, after I dispose of Taylor's body, are we hitting a movie tonight?
NICOLE: Yeah, we are.
LUKE: Okay.
NICOLE: Uh, Luke, could you sit for a second, please?
LUKE: I could.
NICOLE: Could you do it soon?
LUKE: Okay, listen, if I sit down, are we gonna have the conversation?
NICOLE: The conversation?
LUKE: Yeah, you know, the conversation.
NICOLE: Luke, please.
LUKE: Here comes the conversation.
NICOLE: My parents are coming into town and I am going to have lunch with them and I thought maybe you'd like to join me.
LUKE: Join you?
NICOLE: What do you say?
LUKE: It's not that I don't wanna meet your parents, it's just that I haven't met any parents for a long time.
NICOLE: Well, you don't have to. I'm just giving you the option.
JESS: Jeez, man, just meet her parents already.
LUKE: Do you mind?
JESS: So what if they hate you? You've been there before.
NICOLE: You know what, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot.
LUKE: I'm not on the spot. Really, I'm completely off the spot. I'm spotless. Uh, what time's the lunch?
NICOLE: Two o'clock on Thursday.
LUKE: Two o'clock on Thursday. Okay, two o'clock on Thursday, I'll be there.
NICOLE: That's great. So I'll see you tonight?
LUKE: I'll see you tonight.
[Nicole leaves]
JESS: I have to go.
LUKE: Where?
JESS: School.
LUKE: Oh, school, okay. Well, have a good day. . .at school.
JESS: I will.
[Jess leaves. Luke walks outside and watches him. Jess walks toward the school, then jogs to his car and drives off]
CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM
[Students are talking as they wait for class to start]
MADELINE: Mills College.
LOUISE: Isn't that the one where all those girls with bad hair cried because they were gonna let boys in?
MADELINE: Yes.
LOUISE: And why are you going there?
MADELINE: It's the one that took me.
LOUISE: But why'd you apply?
MADELINE: I needed a fallback option.
LOUISE: Well, fall back, baby, right into some big mama's loving arms.
MADELINE: Ooh, how depressing. Let's talk about you, did you decide?
LOUISE: Last night.
MADELINE: Brandeis?
LOUISE: Tulane.
MADELINE: The Big Easy.
LOUISE: Enough said.
[Paris walks in with a bandage on her nose]
RORY: Oh, Paris, hi, you're back. I. . .oh my God. What happened to your nose?
MADELINE: You had it done.
LOUISE: Finally.
PARIS: I did not have it done.
RORY: Did you fall?
PARIS: No, I didn't fall. I had it pierced.
MADELINE: You what?
LOUISE: Oh my God.
RORY: Why would you do that?
PARIS: Because you told me to go out and do something crazy.
RORY: Yes, but I meant have some ice cream, go see three movies, buy a new purse. I didn't mean go poke a third hold in your nose.
PARIS: Well, I didn't buy a new purse, I pierced my nose. And within an hour of having it done, my nose swelled up to four times its normal size, blocking all nasal passage, making it impossible to breathe. I went to the emergency room, where they pried the thing out of my nose and sh*t me up with antibiotics. I spent the night with an ice pack strapped to my face.
RORY: Oh, Paris.
PARIS: It seems that I was allergic to the crap metal hoop that I paid $19.95 to have jammed into my nose.
LOUISE: Did you take a picture?
PARIS: No, Louise, I did not take a picture. I was a little busy trying to get air to my brain cells, a burden you've not yet faced.
RORY: Paris, I'm so sorry. I . . [cell phone rings]. . .I didn't. . . [answers phone] Hello?
PETE: Rorino, good, I caught ya. Okay, there's a bit of a design flaw in the pizza here.
RORY: What kind of design flaw?
PETE: I'm a little concerned that the crust is not gonna be able to support all the toppings we talked about. We might need to put in a second crust.
RORY: A second crust?
PETE: About three-quarters of the way in, sort of like a retaining wall.
RORY: What about just making the crust thicker?
PETE: Okay, we're brainstorming, I got it. A thicker crust, a thicker crust, that might do it. Uh, let me noodle around with that for awhile and get back to you.
RORY: Okay. Bye Pete. [hangs up]
PARIS: [to boy] I will not let you look at my nose for ten dollars, you sick job. b*at it, now! Come back when you have a twenty. [to Rory] What? Just making lemonade here.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[There's a knock at the back door.]
LORELAI: I'm coming!
[Lorelai walks to the kitchen, where she finds the table decorated with cookies spelling out Happy Birthday Lorelai'.]
LORELAI: Aw! [there's another knock] Coming.
[She answers the door, Luke walks in with his toolbox]
LORELAI: Hiya.
LUKE: Your sl*ve is here.
LORELAI: And where's the French maid outfit I requested?
LUKE: I've got it on under the plaid.
LORELAI: So what else is new?
LUKE: So, how does it feel to be a year older?
LORELAI: Uh, I'm not a year older until Friday, Fifi.
[Lorelai eats a cookie from the table.]
LUKE: What the hell is this?
LORELAI: My birthday Mallomars.
LUKE: She says like I should just know this.
LORELAI: Here's your list. [hands him a notepad]
LUKE: What's wrong with the garbage disposal?
LORELAI: It's not disposing.
[Luke reaches into the sink and pulls out a spoon]
LUKE: Next.
LORELAI: You're so good!
[Lorelai pulls a box of Mallomars out of the cupboard]
LUKE: Did you ever consider the possibility of just pulling the spoon out yourself?
LORELAI: I did consider it, yes. Do you wanna start upstairs or down? Cause there's actually more to do upstairs this time for some reason.
[Lorelai takes a Mallomar out of the box and puts it on the table]
LUKE: What'd you just do?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: You put the cookie down.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: You ate the cookie, and then you took a cookie out of the box and put it where the cookie you just ate was.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: Well, that's nuts.
LORELAI: Rory made this for me, I don't wanna ruin it.
LUKE: Then why'd you eat the cookie?
LORELAI: Cause I wanted a Mallomar.
LUKE: But why didn't you just eat one out of the box?
LORELAI: Cause this one was right here. The box was all the way in the cupboard.
LUKE: But you had to go to the cupboard to get the box to replace the cookie you ate off the table.
LORELAI: So?
LUKE: Looking at the list now. Okay, stairs, gutters, da-duh-da-duh-da, electrical outlet. Which one?
LORELAI: In the bathroom.
LUKE: By the sink or by the bathtub?
LORELAI: Bathtub.
LUKE: Okay. So, I can do most of this list today, but, uh, I can't put up the towel rack until later. I didn't bring my drill.
LORELAI: Heh
LUKE: Dirty, yes, I know.
LORELAI: Um, that's okay, I'll be here tomorrow afternoon if you wanna come by then.
LUKE: I can't tomorrow, I'm having lunch with Nicole's parents.
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: They're coming into town.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: So Nicole thought I should meet them.
LORELAI: Makes sense.
LUKE: Yeah, well, you know, we've been seeing each other fairly regular now, so. . .makes sense.
LORELAI: Yeah, I think it's great.
LUKE: Yeah, I do, too. I should get started upstairs. By the way. . .
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: You were right about Jess.
LORELAI: What about Jess?
LUKE: He's not going to school.
LORELAI: Are you sure?
LUKE: Yup. I watched him head right toward the school and when he thought no one was watching him, he got in his car and drove off. So I got in my truck and followed him.
LORELAI: Where?
LUKE: To Wal-Mart.
LORELAI: Oh.
LUKE: He's been lying to me this whole time.
LORELAI: What are you gonna do?
LUKE: I'm gonna tell him that I know what he's been doing, remind him that we had an agreement, that he's supposed to go to school, that he's supposed to graduate from school, and then. . .I'm gonna tell him I know what he's been doing.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, Luke.
LUKE: Yeah, well. I'm gonna be upstairs.
LORELAI: Okay. Call if you need anything.
CUT TO OUTSIDE THE MARKET
[Rory wheels a cart full of soda cases out of the market. Jackson walks up to her.]
JACKSON: Rory!
RORY: Hey, Jackson. Listen, could you
JACKSON: What do you think you're doing?
RORY: Oh, well, I'm trying to transport all the sodas for the party in one trip, which seemed a little silly when I first come up with the idea and it's rapidly growing in its stupidity.
JACKSON: You know, I never took you for being thoughtless, but I guess I was wrong.
RORY: What are you talking about? I got the sugarless Red Bull just like you like.
JACKSON: You really hurt Sookie, you know that?
RORY: Why, what did I do?
JACKSON: What did you do, what did you do? Hm, let me see, what did you do?
RORY: Uh, Jackson, if you could stop moving around, it'd be a lot easier.
JACKSON: You know, I just heard you're making the world's largest pizza for Lorelai's birthday party, is that true?
RORY: Yes.
JACKSON: And it doesn't occur to you to consult Sookie?
RORY: Oh. Oh no.
JACKSON: The woman is a gourmet chef and Lorelai's best friend in the world, and you don't include her in this?
RORY: But Sookie's an artist pizzas didn't really seem to be her thing.
JACKSON: Everything's her thing, young lady.
RORY: Jackson, I swear, I would never purposely hurt Sookie. Besides, it's not the world's largest pizza. It's not even the tri-county area's largest pizza.
JACKSON: I have a sobbing pregnant woman at home, which is not unusual, except this time I didn't cause it!
RORY: I'm so, so sorry.
JACKSON: And by the way, there wouldn't happen to be vegetables on that pizza, would there?
RORY: Well. . .
JACKSON: Because I don't know if you got the memo or not, but I happen to be a produce man.
RORY: And a darn good one at that.
JACKSON: Yet, I don't remember a call asking me to handle the vegetables. Was there a call? Did I just miss it? Was I out?
RORY: Well, you see, the veggies were included in the price, so it just. . .
JACKSON: Hm. [storms off]
RORY: Jackson, I'm sorry!
JACKSON: I hope you and your world's largest pizza will be very happy together!
RORY: It's not the largest pizza in the world! We may b*at Woodbridge, but that's it, I swear!
CUT TO RESTAURANT
[Lorelai is sitting at a table. Richard walks in and sits down with her]
RICHARD: Sorry, sorry, sorry.
LORELAI: Everything okay?
RICHARD: Oh, yes. I just had a few calls to make that took up a bit more time than I had anticipated. Have you been here long?
LORELAI: Twenty minutes and two pieces of pie.
RICHARD: Amazing. Well, then, let's get right down to it, shall we?
[a waitress walks over]
WAITRESS: Can I get you something to drink?
RICHARD: Uh, iced tea, please.
WAITRESS: Another cup of coffee, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Thanks, Sarie.
[the waitress leaves]
RICHARD: So, Lorelai.
LORELAI: So, Dad.
RICHARD: I appreciate you taking the time out to meet me like this.
LORELAI: And I appreciate you actually showing up and not sending your secretary.
RICHARD: I assume you're wondering why I asked you here.
LORELAI: Not at all.
RICHARD: Well, I have something for you. [places an envelope on the table]
LORELAI: Is it a hat?
RICHARD: No.
LORELAI: Is it a purse?
RICHARD: No.
LORELAI: Horse?
RICHARD: Lorelai.
LORELAI: George Foreman Grill?
RICHARD: When you were born, I decided to celebrate, so as soon as your mother went to sleep, I left the hospital, I called my business manager and I made a real estate investment.
LORELAI: You do know how to party, don't you?
RICHARD: I made this investment in your name.
LORELAI: Wow, most people just buy a stuffed bear. This is better.
RICHARD: I thought so. Anyhow, a little while ago, I got a letter from a lawyer who is representing the investment group informing me that the government is building a road right through the middle of your investment.
LORELAI: Sad.
RICHARD: Which means that the complex has been sold and all the investors will be receiving a check.
LORELAI: Happy.
RICHARD: Since you are one of the investors. . .
LORELAI: I get a check?
RICHARD: You get a check.
LORELAI: Wow! That's. . .[opens the envelope] Seventy-five thousand dollars?
RICHARD: Yes, it is.
LORELAI: I get seventy-five thousand dollars for being born?
RICHARD: I thought it would be a pleasant surprise.
LORELAI: This is seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five. . .do you have a pen?
RICHARD: Why, yes, I do.
LORELAI: Seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five thousand dollars. Oh my God, that's like 150 pairs of Jimmy Choos.
RICHARD: What are Jimmy Choos?
LORELAI: Shoes.
RICHARD: 150 pairs, that's it?
LORELAI: Dad, they're Jimmy Choos.
RICHARD: For seventy-five thousand dollars, you should be able to buy at least three or four hundred pairs of shoes.
LORELAI: Not Jimmy Choos.
RICHARD: But that's ridiculous. You are not going to spend seventy-five thousand dollars on Jimmy Choos when you could buy four hundred pairs of less prestigious but I'm sure equally stylish shoes. You will shop around first. Is that clear?
LORELAI: Yes, sir.
RICHARD: All right, then. It's settled.
LORELAI: Listen, Dad, this money isn't, um. . .
RICHARD: Isn't what?
LORELAI: It isn't some kind of gift, is it?
RICHARD: Gift?
LORELAI: Like a birthday gift. Because if it is, it's too much and I can't
RICHARD: This isn't a gift. I made this investment in your name. You received a check, that's the way these things work. Legally, I'm obligated to give you that. This isn't charity or generosity, it is the law.
LORELAI: It's the law that I get to keep seventy-five thousand dollars.
RICHARD: Enjoy the shoes.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the floor by the coffee table]
LORELAI: We could buy a boat.
RORY: We could, but why?
LORELAI: Because rich people always have a boat.
RORY: We could park it in the front yard.
LORELAI: Yeah, like white trash rich people.
RORY: God, this is amazing. No more clipping coupons.
LORELAI: No more picking loose change up from the ground. No more driving around looking for cheap gas.
RORY: Which totally defeats the purpose since you wind up using more gas looking for the cheap gas.
LORELAI: Seventy-five thousand dollars. I feel so rich. And suddenly in complete agreement with everything Bush has to say.
[the phone rings]
LORELAI: I'll get it.
RORY: No!
LORELAI: Ah, more secret birthday calls.
RORY: Not everything is about you. It could be Jess.
LORELAI: It's about me.
RORY: It could be Lane.
LORELAI: It's about me.
RORY: It could be Paris, it could be Madeline, it could be Louise, it could be a myriad of other people wanting only to talk to me about me.
LORELAI: It's about me.
[Rory takes the phone to her room]
RORY: Hello?
PETE: Rory, we got a big problemo.
RORY: What's the matter, Pete?
PETE: We did a trial run of the pizza. You know, just wanna make sure everything was right there for the big day, you know.
RORY: I appreciate that.
PETE: So we made a trial pizza, and Kirk built a pizza rack on top of his car, you with me?
RORY: Like a bad habit, Pete.
PETE: So as Kirk's putting the pizza on the rack, the thing collapses, the pizza slips, long story short Kirk has got some severe cheese burns.
RORY: Oh my God, is he all right?
KIRK: Ow.
PETE: Who knows? The point is. . .
KIRK: Oh.
PETE: I think the pizza needs to be cheeseless.
RORY: What?
PETE: And possibly sauceless.
RORY: Pete.
PETE: The thing's a hazard, babe.
RORY: Pete, did it ever occur to you that the problem may not be the pizza, it may be Kirk?
PETE: Did not occur to me.
RORY: Well, it should have.
PETE: Okay.
RORY: The pizza has to have cheese and sauce, otherwise, it's not a pizza. It's bread.
PETE: Okay, look, if you're gonna insist on the cheese and the sauce, you're gonna have to provide the transportation yourself.
RORY: Fine, Pete, I will figure something out.
PETE: Roger wilco, senorita.
[They hang up. Lorelai opens Rory's bedroom door]
LORELAI: Who was it?
RORY: Astrid from school. She's leaving for Europe for a week and she wants me to take notes and email her everything. She's afraid she's gonna fall behind.
LORELAI: It was about me.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke is sitting at the table when Jess walks in]
JESS: Hey.
LUKE: Hey. You're home late.
JESS: Traffic.
LUKE: Traffic, right, okay. So, you hungry?
JESS: I'm meeting Rory.
LUKE: Want me to make you guys some sandwiches?
JESS: So we can brown bag it on our date? I don't think so.
LUKE: Just offering. How was work?
JESS: The cleaned-up version of The Eminem Show seems to be selling pretty well, so the world is basically coming to an end.
LUKE: So listen, I, um, wanna talk to you about something.
JESS: Talk.
LUKE: Could you stop grooming for just a second please?
JESS: I'm already late.
LUKE: Look, I was doing some thinking about your situation.
JESS: My situation?
LUKE: Yeah, you know, you're working here, you're working at Wal-Mart, you're dating Rory, going to school. It just seems like a lot. You ever worry that if a bird flies into your head it might never get out again?
JESS: I've got everything under control.
LUKE: Yeah, I'm sure you do. I just thought maybe I could make things a little easier.
JESS: How?
LUKE: Well, I could, uh, give you a raise at the diner.
JESS: A raise?
LUKE: Yeah. And maybe help out with some of the, you know, bigger money burdens, like your car insurance.
JESS: Why would you wanna do that?
LUKE: So you can quit your job at Wal-Mart.
JESS: No way.
LUKE: But you'd still be making money, and this way, you'd get to spend more time on Rory and school.
JESS: I'm fine.
LUKE: Jess, come on.
JESS: No.
LUKE: Jess, just take the deal.
JESS: I have to change.
LUKE: I know you're not going to school.
JESS: What?
LUKE: I saw you get in your car and drive off.
JESS: You spying on me?
LUKE: You lied to me!
JESS: Once in awhile I take an extra shift, it's nothing.
LUKE: You have to go to school, Jess.
JESS: I go enough.
LUKE: What does that mean?
JESS: It means I go enough. It's public school. My history teacher is also the football coach, get the picture?
LUKE: Jess, we had a deal. You go to school, you graduate.
JESS: I know. Relax. I got it all under control. I have to change.
LUKE: Jess.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai is on the phone at the front desk]
LORELAI: That's right, breakfast is included. Then at five, we invite all the guests to the lobby for complimentary wine and cheese and mingling. . . Yes, it is kind of like a B&B. . . Okay, great. We'll see you and Sweetie then. Bye.
[She hangs up, then walks over to a table where Tobin is standing with some staffers]
TOBIN: Any thoughts? So, as you know, we have to get this place up and running as quickly as possible for as little money as possible. So last night I pulled out the old Time Life series, and I have to admit, there's some pretty terrific ideas in here. For example, we can putty up the cracks in the drywall and then give the lower part of the wall a good coat of paint. Then we can take a strip of wallpaper, put it around the top, thus creating sort of a border, if you will. Also, I gathered up all the broken China from the dining room because I read here in Martha that chipped teacups make great votive holders, and we all know, when in doubt, it's candles, candles, candles, right? So I cleaned them up, filled them with tealights, and I think they look terrific. Oh, the pieces that were too far gone to save, I just smashed them up and used the pieces to make this nice picture frame.
LORELAI: Ah, that's a great idea, Tobin, really.
MICHEL: Uh, Lorelai. I have a little something for you.
LORELAI: For me?
MICHEL: Yes. I wasn't sure it would get here in time since I ordered it from Madrid, but thank God it made it. Happy birthday. [hands her a gift bag]
LORELAI: You bought me a present?
MICHEL: Yes.
LORELAI: You've never bought me a present.
MICHEL: I have, too.
LORELAI: Not once in the five years I've known you have you ever
MICHEL: Just open up the bag, please.
[Lorelai pulls a journal out of the bag]
LORELAI: Oh, Michel, it's beautiful.
MICHEL: Yes, well, I wanted it to be special, you know. Not just some knick- knack you could pick up at the supermarket or the car wash.
LORELAI: Well, it's great. I love it. I must say, I feel very spoiled. A beautiful day book, cappuccino candle.
TOBIN: Oh, that reminds me, I got you something else. [walks over to the front desk]
LORELAI: What? Tobin, you already gave me a gift.
TOBIN: No, that was a pre-gift.
MICHEL: A what?
TOBIN: Hold on. [to Michel] Why don't you scooch just a little bit for me?
[Tobin retrieves a bag from behind the desk, then hands it to Lorelai]
LORELAI: Tobin, this is too much.
TOBIN: Yes, it is, but I saw it and it just screamed Lorelai.
LORELAI: Okay, well. . .God, this is exciting. I love my birthday.
TOBIN: I hope it fits.
MICHEL: Fits?
[Lorelai pulls a leather jacket out of the bag]
LORELAI: Tobin, it's amazing.
TOBIN: That is the jacket that Joe Strummer wore during the 1979 Pearl Harbor tour.
LORELAI: No.
TOBIN: Yes.
MICHEL: Who is Joe Strummer?
LORELAI: Tell me you're kidding.
MICHEL: Who is Joe Strummer?
LORELAI: You did not get me this.
MICHEL: Is he a Hell's Angel man?
TOBIN: Joe Strummer is from The Clash.
LORELAI: The Clash is a band.
TOBIN: And a band is a
MICHEL: I know what a band is.
LORELAI: He just died, and Rory and Lane have been in mourning for months, and now I have his jacket. And, oh my God, this is by far the coolest thing I have ever gotten. God. Oh, smell it, it smells like Joe.
MICHEL: Well, this is wonderful, to smell like a d*ad guy. You'll have to b*at them off with a stick.
TOBIN: And there's a letter of authenticity in the bag, and a picture of Joe wearing the jacket, and also, they threw in a beret just for the heck of it.
LORELAI: Tobin, you are getting a hug!
TOBIN: Well, I'd fight it, but what's the point, right?
MICHEL: I have to run an errand.
LORELAI: Why, where you going?
MICHEL: Just be here when I get back.
LORELAI: Oh, I just love this jacket.
CUT TO LEAHY RESIDENCE
[Luke and Nicole are sitting across from Nicole's parents in the living room]
MR. LEAHY: Nicole, you're being
NICOLE: I am not being stubborn.
MR. LEAHY: You didn't let me get the stubborn out.
MRS. LEAHY: Luke, would you like a blini?
LUKE: No, thank you.
MR. LEAHY: When you sign up to become a surrogate mother, you enter into a business agreement, and the rules of business should apply. You as a lawyer should understand that.
NICOLE: As a lawyer, I do understand that. As a human being, I also understand that when a woman's alone
MR. LEAHY: Here we go.
NICOLE: And in need of money, can do things that she'll later regret.
MRS. LEAHY: I could get you some cheese.
NICOLE: You cannot force a mother to give up her child.
MR. LEAHY: If she signed a paper saying, On April the 12th I am giving birth and whatever comes out, I'm handing to you. . .
NICOLE: What a lovely way to put that.
MR. LEAHY: And you pay her money and her medical expenses. . .
MRS. LEAHY: They always do this. They pick a subject and they argue until dinner, then they call a truce and they pick it back up for dessert. I could get you some nuts.
NICOLE: Okay, enough. I don't wanna argue with you anymore.
MR. LEAHY: What can I do with her, Luke? I ask you.
LUKE: Oh, well, uh, probably not much.
MRS. LEAHY: So Luke, I feel like we've been ignoring you.
LUKE: Oh, that's okay.
MRS. LEAHY: Nicole told us you've never been married.
NICOLE: Or we could talk about how he owns his own diner. That's a good opening topic.
MRS. LEAHY: Hush, sweetheart. You just sit there and pretend to be ashamed of us.
LUKE: Uh, no, I have never been married.
MRS. LEAHY: But someday, maybe, right? Marriage, children?
NICOLE: She means eventually and with the woman of your choice. They will not be involved in the picking.
MRS. LEAHY: Because there is nothing more wonderful than marriage.
NICOLE: You know, the others escaped out the bathroom window. Just a tip.
MRS. LEAHY: And then children. Well, there's nothing more rewarding than children. You just can't imagine until you've been there.
MR. LEAHY: That's true. And this one here made everything in life worth it.
MRS. LEAHY: The whole experience is like the most fabulous roller coaster ride you can imagine. From the time they're born to that first step. The first word. The first time they hug you. The first time they pick out their own outfits.
LUKE: The first time they tell you they're going to school and then you follow them, and they get in their car and drive to Wal-Mart.
MR. LEAHY: Wal-Mart?
LUKE: And they think you don't know. They think you're just a moron and you're going, Hey, they must be telling me the truth, right? And they don't think that maybe you know that they're lying to your face and that you're really mad because you guys had an agreement.
MRS. LEAHY: Oh dear.
LUKE: And that agreement was clear, very clear. And they know that breaking that agreement is a violation of everything you had talked about. Oh yeah, that is cute. That's just darling. I can't wait to experience that again. [pause] I'm sorry, did someone mention cheese?
CUT TO PIZZA SHOP
[Rory walks in. Kirk, Joe and Pete are at a table]
RORY: Hey guys.
PETE: Rory, good, just the lady we're looking for. We have a plan.
RORY: Good, cause I've got a check.
PETE: We've solved the problem of transporting the big pizza thing.
KIRK: I was of little help since I'm currently in excruciating pain.
PETE: Instead of this whole one huge pizza concept, we're gonna do a hundred little pizzas all sitting next to each other.
RORY: What?
JOE: Like a pizza doily.
RORY: I don't want a pizza doily.
PETE: Okay, less a doily, more of a collage.
RORY: I don't want a pizza collage either.
JOE: Hey guys, I got another idea. How about we put the pizzas together, and then put pepperonis over the open spots.
PETE: So it looks like one big pizza, tricky.
RORY: Okay, hold on.
JOE: Or we could put cheese over the holes.
KIRK: Please don't say the C- word.
RORY: Guys.
PETE: Cheese might fall through the holes.
JOE: We can use slices.
PETE: That'll work.
RORY: That will not work!
PETE: Hey, Rory.
RORY: No. Now you three listen to me. We agreed that this was going to be the world's largest pizza. That was the concept. Now I realize it can't be the world's largest pizza because that pizza was insane, but it is still going to be large. Very large. Crazy large.
PETE: But we
RORY: No buts! That was the concept get back to the concept! This is not Gangs of New York now with Cameron Diaz. This is Gangs of New York twenty years ago with Meryl Streep as Scorsese originally imagined it. Come back, refocus, remember the goal. Am I making myself clear?
JOE: Cameron Diaz is hot.
RORY: Not the point, Joe.
JOE: Okay, jeez.
RORY: Now tonight is my mother's birthday party and the whole town is going to be there and they are expecting music, favors, and a really large pizza and they will not be disappointed. I don't care how you do it, just do it!
KIRK: Somehow I can't picture Meryl Streep with Leonardo Dicaprio.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is behind the counter on the phone]
LUKE: I really am sorry, Nicole. Your parents must think I'm a lunatic.
NICOLE: No, I don't think lunatic was one of the words they used. But they have a very extensive vocabulary, so there may just not have been time.
LUKE: It's the first time I meet them and I just. . .Jess was driving me crazy and. . .
NICOLE: I know this. I told them this.
LUKE: I swear, when they come back into town, I will do better.
JESS: I'm going to school. [leaves]
NICOLE: They may not be back in town for several months.
LUKE: Whenever.
NICOLE: Whenever? So I can make another lunch date with my parents even though it's several months away?
LUKE: Sure, make it.
NICOLE: Okay, I'll make it.
LUKE: Tell them I've gotten some medication, I'm much better now.
NICOLE: I'll do that.
[Jess walks back into the diner]
JESS: Get off the phone!
LUKE: What?
JESS: I need the phone, get off the phone!
LUKE: What's the matter?
JESS: Someone stole my car.
LUKE: Nicole, I'm gonna have to call you back. [hangs up] What do you mean somebody stole your car?
[Jess picks up the phone and starts dialing]
JESS: I parked it right around the corner and now it's gone.
LUKE: Why would you park it around the corner?
JESS: Because that's where I parked it. How the hell can the police department have an answering machine? [hangs up the phone]
LUKE: Look, let's just calm down.
JESS: Who would steal that car? It hardly ran.
LUKE: Well, you know these chop shops, they can make a buck out of anything.
JESS: I am gonna k*ll whoever did this. I'm gonna find them and k*ll them.
LUKE: Listen, just go on over to school, I'll take care of anything.
JESS: No, I gotta talk to the cops.
LUKE: I'll do that, go. You know, you don't wanna be late to your first class, right?
JESS: Well, yeah, but
LUKE: I mean, you were planning on going to school, right?
JESS: Right.
LUKE: Okay, well, then just walk on over to school and I'll take care of the rest.
JESS: Fine.
LUKE: All right, have a good day. Study hard, don't worry. Just leave the car to me.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily, Richard, Rory and the maids sing Happy Birthday to Lorelai in the dining room]
ALL: [singing] Happy birthday dear Lorelai, happy birthday to you.
EMILY: You can take the cake into the kitchen now, Teresa.
[the maid takes the cake away]
LORELAI: Wait, aren't I supposed to blow them out?
EMILY: Oh, Teresa can do that.
LORELAI: Mom, it's tradition for the person whose name is on the cake to do the bl*wing.
EMILY: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought only children liked to do that. Should we bring it back out and relight it?
LORELAI: No.
RICHARD: Well, would you like to make a wish and blow out the tapers?
LORELAI: Why am I being mocked on my birthday?
RORY: Because that's the Gilmore way.
LORELAI: Huh.
EMILY: Let's move into the living room for our dessert, shall we?
LORELAI: Let's shall.
[they all start walking to the living room]
LORELAI: [quietly to Rory] How're we doing on time?
RORY: We've got time for cake.
LORELAI: Are you sure? Cause I don't wanna miss the fancy party you're throwing me.
RORY: Don't worry, it's not that fancy.
EMILY: What are the two of you whispering about?
LORELAI: Nothing.
RICHARD: Champagne?
LORELAI: Trying to get me drunk so I forget that you wouldn't let me blow out my own candles?
EMILY: Oh, dear, is this going to be another one of those stories that you tell people for the rest of your life like the bunny story?
LORELAI: His name was Murray, Mom.
RICHARD: Oh, Emily, you had to bring that up.
LORELAI: How could you think I wouldn't notice you gave away my rabbit?
EMILY: Because you were four and terrified of the thing.
LORELAI: I was not terrified, I simply respected his space.
RICHARD: You slept in the maid's room for a week.
LORELAI: I wonder where Murray is now.
RICHARD: In a shoebox somewhere, I assume.
RORY: Grandpa.
LORELAI: Very nice, and on my birthday.
RICHARD: Once again, a toast to Lorelai on her 36th birthday.
LORELAI: 35th.
RICHARD: Really?
LORELAI: You're doing the math?
RICHARD: Right, sorry. To Lorelai on her 35th birthday.
RORY: Hear, hear.
LORELAI: Thank you for the toast, thank you for the dinner, and, uh, in the spirit of the evening Mom, I have something for you.
EMILY: For me? It's not my birthday.
LORELAI: I know, but here. [hands Emily an envelope]
RICHARD: Oh.
EMILY: What is this?
LORELAI: It's from Murray. It's taken him this long to write it partially cause of the hurt and pain and partially cause he has paws.
EMILY: What is this?
LORELAI: That is what I owe you.
EMILY: What you owe me?
LORELAI: For Rory's school. I promised you I'd pay you back and now I have, every cent. Thank you again for helping us out. There's no way Rory would be going to Yale if it wasn't for this money, if it wasn't for you.
EMILY: You're welcome.
LORELAI: Okay, so. . .
EMILY: You must be very relieved.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
EMILY: Your debt is paid, you owe us nothing.
LORELAI: Well, yeah.
EMILY: You don't need us anymore.
LORELAI: Um, I didn't say
EMILY: You don't have to deal with us. You don't have to come over for Friday night dinners. It all works out beautifully, doesn't it?
LORELAI: This isn't about that, Mom.
EMILY: Oh no?
LORELAI: No, I owed you money and I paid you back.
EMILY: I don't want it.
LORELAI: I can't believe you're mad that I'm paying you back.
EMILY: I'm not mad, I just think it's extremely unkind of you to use this occasion to inform me you won't be coming over anymore.
LORELAI: I didn't say that.
EMILY: This says that!
LORELAI: Mom, let me ask you something wouldn't you rather we came over here because we wanted to, not because of some thr*at you're holding over our heads?
EMILY: Oh, and you would come here voluntarily?
LORELAI: I always said I would pay you back. This is not a surprise.
EMILY: No, it certainly isn't.
LORELAI: I was trying to do a good thing here. When Dad gave me the money, one of the first things that jumped into my head was to -
EMILY: When Dad gave you the money? When Dad gave her the money?
RICHARD: Now, Emily
EMILY: You gave her this?
RICHARD: It was her money.
LORELAI: It was from that investment, Mom.
RICHARD: I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of this.
LORELAI: Why are you mad at me?
RICHARD: I told you not to tell your mother about that money.
LORELAI: When did you tell me that?
RICHARD: At lunch.
LORELAI: You did not.
RICHARD: I did, too.
LORELAI: Dad, I swear you didn't tell me not to tell Mom.
RICHARD: Why do you think I met you in the day at a restaurant, Lorelai? Think.
LORELAI: I
EMILY: You kept this from me, Richard?
RICHARD: I knew you would be upset.
EMILY: You lied to me.
RICHARD: I had to give it to her. I was legally obligated.
EMILY: You're also legally obligated to your wife.
LORELAI: Mom
EMILY: Don't you talk to me!
RICHARD: Now, you're overreacting.
EMILY: Don't you talk to me either!
LORELAI: Don't be mad at Dad.
RICHARD: Stay out of this!
LORELAI: I just
RICHARD: Well, don't!
LORELAI: Mom, please. Just because I gave you this money doesn't mean we're never gonna come over here again. We will come over. Maybe not every week, but there will be the occasional Friday night dinners.
EMILY: No, there won't.
RORY: Grandma
EMILY: I don't need anybody doing me any favors. You are released from your obligation, Lorelai. Have a nice birthday, have a nice life, I'm going to bed.
LORELAI: Dad
RICHARD: Not now!
[Emily and Richard leave the room]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking through the town square]
LORELAI: You're quiet. I know they were upset, hon, but trust me, they'll calm down.
RORY: Why did you do that?
LORELAI: Excuse me?
RORY: Just giving them that check like that.
LORELAI: Rory, I borrowed that money.
RORY: I know you did, but you had to have known that they'd get upset. You had to know that Grandma would take it personally.
LORELAI: Well, what would you have me do, not pay them back?
RORY: Maybe.
LORELAI: Maybe?
RORY: Well, they didn't want the money back.
LORELAI: It's not the point.
RORY: Well, it's kind of the point.
LORELAI: No, Rory, it's not the point at all.
RORY: They were throwing you a party, Mom.
LORELAI: Sorry, did I miss something? Did I dance around saying nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah when I gave her the check?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Did, did I not thank her genuinely thank her for everything?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Did I not credit your getting into Yale with them giving us that money?
RORY: Yes, but
LORELAI: Unh uh, no buts. Listen Rory, I'm not sure if you're aware of how hard it has been for me these past three years to be indebted to my parents. I decided a long time ago that I was gonna live my life without their help, but I went to them and I took their money and I'm not sorry I did, it was the right thing for you, but I don't need their help anymore.
RORY: Fine, but you don't have to just throw it in their faces like that.
LORELAI: I paid back a loan. You're supposed to pay back a loan. I have Polonius and then entire banking system on my side.
RORY: I just think you could've done it differently.
LORELAI: How?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: Take a sh*t.
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: Rory, my relationship with my parents is very different from your relationship with them. You only know the warm and fuzzy Richard and Emily, and I only want you to know the warm and fuzzy Richard and Emily because they're your grandparents and they love you, but I have a different history with them and it was not all warm and it was definitely not all fuzzy. So do not judge me for repaying a loan that I always intended to repay, that I told them from the beginning I would repay, that I had to repay. I will not let them make me feel guilty for doing that and I will not let you make me feel guilty for doing that either.
RORY: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: It's okay.
[They walk down the street some more. Lorelai sees a large group of people gathered for her birthday party at the dance studio. A crane is lowering the huge pizza onto a table]
LORELAI: Oh my God. What is that?
RORY: The world's largest pizza. Almost.
LORELAI: That is amazing.
RORY: You like it?
LORELAI: I love it. Thank you honey. Hey, what happened to Kirk?
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x18 - Happy Birthday, Baby"} | foreverdreaming |
3.19 - Keg! Max!
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Chris Long
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the couch]
LORELAI: Oh, I know! How about . . .no.
RORY: No, no, you can't keep doing that. You can't just start a thought and then say no. Finish them or don't start them at all.
LORELAI: You're very totalitarian today.
RORY: No, it just drives me crazy. It's like if you do "shave and a haircut" without the last part, you know?
LORELAI: Come on, do it.
RORY: Will you stop giving me half-finished thoughts?
LORELAI: I promise. Come on, do it.
RORY: Two bits.
LORELAI: Thank you.
RORY: Now what were you thinking?
LORELAI: Pizza and TV.
RORY: That's our fallback.
LORELAI: That's why I said not, I remembered it was our fallback.
RORY: When did we become so old and pathetic?
LORELAI: Hey, hey, we're neither. We're momentarily stuck on what to do tonight.
RORY: It's a Friday night. We should be out, I don't know, partying with the homies.
LORELAI: Our Stars Hollow homies are all in bed by now.
RORY: Not Kirk. He'll be playing video trivia at the pizza place. We could go and watch.
LORELAI: Okay, we're old and pathetic. How did it come to this?
RORY: Well, it's our first Friday night that we haven't had to go to Grandma and Grandpa's for dinner.
LORELAI: I cannot for the life of me remember what we did before we started doing those.
RORY: It feels like a million years ago.
[Rory walks over to get the phone]
LORELAI: Ooh, who are you calling?
RORY: It just feels weird for me not even to say hello to them on a Friday night.
LORELAI: No, don't call them.
RORY: Hey, this rift is between you and them. I'm still on friendly terms.
LORELAI: I know, it's just that they're probably sitting there eating alone, shivering in an unheated room, the only illumination a single light bulb just so they can make us feel spectacularly guilty at the thought.
RORY: [on phone] Hey Grandpa, it's Rory. . . Rory.
LORELAI: He's pretending not to remember you?
RORY: No, it's loud there.
LORELAI: Loud?
RORY: What's going on there?
RICHARD: Oh, we're having a party.
RORY: A party?
LORELAI: A party?
RICHARD: Sort of a last minute thing. Couldn't get too big a crowd here. I think we wound up with 55 or 60, something like that.
RORY: 60 people.
RICHARD: Oh, here come the mushroom caps everybody!
RORY: There's singing and mushroom caps.
LORELAI: I am appalled by this.
RORY: Sounds like a lot of fun.
RICHARD: Oh, it is. Oh, now, your grandmother would come and say hello, but she's in the next room dancing with Lloyd Sandstone. Watch where you put those hands, Lloyd.
RORY: A guy named Lloyd is feeling up Grandma.
LORELAI: You're making this up.
RORY: Well, um, I'll let you go, okay?
RICHARD: Okay. Now, you're coming to visit after school on Monday, aren't ya?
RORY: Yes, I'll see you then.
RICHARD: Ah, can't wait. Bye now.
[they hang up]
RORY: The Gilmore house is partying like it's 1999.
LORELAI: And here it's "At Home with The 700 Club."
RORY: Well, we didn't tell them to stop living their lives.
LORELAI: How could they bounce back so quickly?
RORY: I don't know, but bounce they did.
LORELAI: Okay, they win this time. But we've gotta think of something super big and fantastic and cool for next Friday night, okay?
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Now think.
RORY: Mushroom caps sound really good.
LORELAI: Sh.
RORY: Sorry.
[opening credits]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai is sitting at the counter playing with her camera. Rory walks in]
RORY: Hi.
LORELAI: Say cheese. [takes a picture] I love my little digital camera. I wanna marry it.
RORY: Do you ever wanna put it away?
LORELAI: Oh, you'll hurt little DigitalDan's feelings.
RORY: Sorry, D.D.
LORELAI: [takes another picture] Gotcha! Oh, no, wait. Oh, missed. [to customer next to Rory] Got a good one of you, though. Nice cheekbones.
RORY: So, could you focus on something non-photographic for a second?
LORELAI: Aw, I'll try.
RORY: I was asked to pass this along to you. [hands Lorelai an envelope]
LORELAI: Something from Chilton? You've been dipping girls' hair in the inkwells again?
RORY: Read it and see.
LORELAI: [reads letter] "Dear Ms. Gilmore, with your daughter's final days of Chilton fast approaching, yours are, too." Hm, not feeling the love here. Yadda, yadda, yadda. "The Booster Club could use your help. We would greatly appreciate - " Greatly's underlined three times. Trying to emphasize the word there. Got it, guys. Thanks. " - your involvement, especially in light of your previous paucity of participation." Ooh, they got me with alliteration and an obscure word.
RORY: The bastards.
LORELAI: I've been summoned to duty.
RORY: Sounds like it.
LORELAI: I feel like I should pack my rucksack, kiss my loved ones goodbye.
RORY: So, don't do it, then.
LORELAI: Yeah, you're as good as outta there. Yale's grabbed you. It's too late. We don't need anything from Chilton.
RORY: Except my graduation tickets.
LORELAI: We already got 'em.
RORY: But we need extras. I just put in the request, and it's up to them now.
LORELAI: So we do need one kind of big thing.
RORY: And then there's my diploma.
LORELAI: You'll get your diploma at graduation.
RORY: No, I get my diploma holder at graduation.
LORELAI: Do you think they would withhold your diploma based on my participation paucity?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: Oh man, I'm screwed. I guess I gotta do it.
[Luke walks over]
LUKE: Hey guys.
[Lorelai takes a picture of him]
LUKE: Was that necessary?
LORELAI: Oh man, you do not photograph well.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: You've been getting some sleep, brother? 'Cause that's forty miles bad running.
LUKE: I wasn't ready. Plus, it was a bad angle. Plus, this is a harsh light. A soft light would help with the thing with the eyes.
LORELAI: Look who knows what light he looks best in.
LUKE: You ready to order?
LORELAI: I'm gonna take a picture of the menu and then order off the camera.
LUKE: Yell when she's tired of the thing.
RORY: Give it time.
LORELAI: Now I'm gonna zoom in on just the breakfast meats.
RORY: Go to town.
CUT TO LORELAI'S GARAGE
[The band is practicing. Rory and Jess are watching]
ZACH: Whoa, cool.
DAVE: We all finished at the same time.
LANE: That has never happened.
BRIAN: The middle of that song didn't even sound like us.
DAVE: Yeah, it sounded good.
RORY: It sounded great, guys. All of it. Didn't it?
JESS: Not too shabby.
DAVE: We are so ready for this gig.
LANE: We've got a gig. I just love the sound of that.
JESS: Where is it?
LANE: Kyle from school. His parents are going to Marriage Encounter for the weekend so he's throwing this mondo party.
JESS: You got enough songs?
DAVE: We have enough for two half-hour sets. What we need is a name.
BRIAN: I made my suggestion.
ZACH: Yeah, and we vetoed "The Harry Potters." Next.
BRIAN: So yours is better?
ZACH: "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is memorable and classy.
BRIAN: I run out of breath every time I say it.
ZACH: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
DAVE: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.
BRIAN: Even without an inhaler, "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is too long.
ZACH: Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.
DAVE: Do you guys have any suggestions?
RORY: Oh, we wouldn't dare.
BRIAN: Hey Lane, how are you gonna play a party like this with your mom being so strict?
LANE: Easy. Rory and Jess are gonna deliver my drums to Kyle's house for me, then my friend Young Chui is going to pick me up to take me to a fictional Seventh Day Adventist bowling party that will conveniently last the length of our gig.
ZACH: Nice going.
BRIAN: I've got my own ball and shoes.
ZACH: Dude, don't tell people that.
RORY: See you guys.
JESS: Yeah, see ya.
BAND: Bye.
BRIAN: How about "The We"?
ZACH: We?
BRIAN: Yeah. We are "The We."
ZACH: I can't talk about this anymore.
[Rory and Jess walk out of the garage]
RORY: So, any word on your car?
JESS: Nothing.
RORY: You'd think someone would've found it. It was pretty one of a kind.
JESS: It's probably holed up in some chop shop. Say goodbye, it's gone. Whatever. Let's talk about something else.
RORY: I like that you're getting to know Dave a little.
JESS: Yeah, he's a cool guy.
RORY: Good. It's going to make the four of us going to prom together even more fun.
JESS: Ah, yes, I almost forgot about the prom.
RORY: No, you were trying to forget about the prom.
JESS: I agreed to go and I am a man of my word.
RORY: How's that arm I twisted?
JESS: I got the feeling back in it.
RORY: It's just if there was one more dance I wanna go to in my whole life, it'd be the Stars Hollow High prom, with Lane. That's a big part of it.
JESS: I'm getting the tickets this week.
RORY: And I'll pay, okay?
JESS: Not a chance.
RORY: It means a tux, you know. I know it's geeky.
JESS: Tuxes are also James Bond. That's not geeky.
RORY: You're kind.
JESS: And going to stash a change of clothes in the limo.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
[Luke is on the floor examining the wall behind the stove as Sookie looks on. Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Sookie.
SOOKIE: Yeah?
LORELAI: I need love and a hug. I just had to lay off Julio.
SOOKIE: Oh, poor thing.
LORELAI: That's the third one today. All I'm doing is crushing people's spirits.
SOOKIE: But you told them that we all love them and will hire them back as soon as all the repairs are done.
LORELAI: And I gave them their severance checks and they were all very gracious, which made it that much harder.
SOOKIE: We're gonna get 'em back. It'll all be good again.
LORELAI: I had to lay off Frank, too, but I just couldn't do another one, so Michel offered to do it.
SOOKIE: Did he say he'd be nice?
LORELAI: Yes, and then he skipped off to do it.
SOOKIE: Oh, boy.
LORELAI: So, what's going on with Luke here?
SOOKIE: I don't know. I've been keeping my distance because of what happened.
LORELAI: What happened?
SOOKIE: Well, he was lying on the floor pretty much like that, tinkering with stuff back there, and I got down and leaned in to see what he was doing, and after a while, I realized that the whole time, my hand was on his butt.
LORELAI: Sookie!
SOOKIE: It was an accident.
LORELAI: It's getting very Cinemax at night in here.
SOOKIE: It was embarrassing.
LORELAI: Uh huh. So, how was it?
SOOKIE: His butt?
LORELAI: Yeah.
SOOKIE: It's got a nice shape to it.
LUKE: Will you two stop talking about my butt?
LORELAI: It's all positive.
LUKE: And in bad taste.
[Luke walks over to them]
LORELAI: We'll just talk about it after you leave.
LUKE: Which is now, because I'm done.
LORELAI: So what's the prognosis?
LUKE: It's the same as what the stove company told you. The wall back here is b*rned from the f*re. You're gonna have to rebuild the whole thing before you can even think of reconnecting the gas. It's gonna take awhile, sorry.
LORELAI: No, Luke, thanks for doing this. It's exactly what the contractor said. We just wanted a guy with a good butt's opinion.
SOOKIE: Yeah, Tom has a terrible butt.
LUKE: Please stop that.
LORELAI: So Rory and I will see you Saturday for breakfast?
LUKE: Actually, you won't. Nicole and I are going skiing and we're getting a ridiculously early start.
LORELAI: That sounds fun. Why ridiculously early?
LUKE: Because she has to drive in from her place in New York first because she can't stay at my place because of Jess.
LORELAI: Hey, if you want, why don't you have her come in Friday night, you guys can stay here at the inn. It'll be on the house.
LUKE: Nah, that's okay.
LORELAI: No, do it, Luke. I mean, I know we have rooms available, and it's my way of saying thanks for parading that nice butt around here.
LUKE: Geez.
LORELAI: No kidding, really, it's a great butt.
LUKE: Stop it.
LORELAI: No, really, it's no problem.
LUKE: Well, I don't know, maybe. Either way, thank for the offer.
LORELAI: All right. I'll tell Michel to keep a room available in case you decide to do it.
LUKE: Okay. See ya.
LORELAI: Thanks, bye.
[Luke leaves, Michel walks in]
MICHEL: Did you know that Frank rescues Chow puppies?
LORELAI: Uh, no.
MICHEL: He feeds and houses them on his own dime 'til he finds an owner. We can't f*re him. And they are so cute. [shows her a picture] Chin-Chin and Pau-Pau. Pau-Pau's the one with the squatty little nose. I took them both.
LORELAI: Oh, okay, good job.
MICHEL: I have to go buy dog food. Will you f*re Frank for me?
LORELAI: Sure thing.
CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA
[Lorelai is at a Booster Club meeting]
TERRY: With that last function, we raised just enough to put us in the black, which got the school controller off our back, which is going to make our last endeavor that much easier.
CARRIE: Haven't we already talked all this stuff to death?
TERRY: Yes, but we need to fill in our last minute Booster Club add-ons here.
LORELAI: You get the scary thr*at letter?
DOUG: Yup.
TERRY: So, onto Grad Night, our last event of the year.
JOAN: God, this year's gone by fast.
CARRIE: I can't believe my Farrah's eighteen.
DOUG: My kid was eighteen was she was ten.
CARRIE: Men.
DOUG: What?
LORELAI: Lay low, Doug. They're setting traps. So, um, what are we doing this year?
TERRY: We're throwing a big party on a yacht.
LORELAI: Fun.
TERRY: The party starts while it's in dock, then it sails for three hours and concludes with a fireworks show.
CARRIE: How's the fundraising going?
TERRY: Terrific. The last fashion show alone brought in half of what we need, and the bake sale today brought in way more than I expected. Oh, that reminds me. [pushes a box toward Lorelai]
LORELAI: What's this?
TERRY: Our cash box. You are the Grad Night treasurer.
LORELAI: I'm the what?
TERRY: Before you got here, we took a little vote and you won.
LORELAI: Well, uh, maybe there should be a recount 'cause I stink with money.
TERRY: The vote was unanimous.
LORELAI: I was late, can we revote?
CARRIE: Doug was late, too, and he was voted lead chaperone.
DOUG: Goody.
LORELAI: Come on, we can take 'em.
CARRIE: It's really not a tough job, Lorelai. You just manage the cash, keep the simple books, it's easy.
TERRY: Although, it does mean if you don't show up at our next meeting, we're going to assume you ran off with our money.
LORELAI: No, no, I wouldn't do that.
[Max walks into the cafeteria]
MAX: Hello, ladies. Hope I'm not too late. Oh, and gentleman, sorry.
CARRIE: Oh, Doug's one of the ladies now.
MAX: Well, good to see you all. Terry, Carrie. Lorelai, good to see you.
LORELAI: Yeah, good, same here.
MAX: So, what'd I miss?
TERRY: Nothing much. Lorelai's been made our Grad Night treasurer.
MAX: You up to the challenge?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. I'll watch the little box here.
MAX: And let me guess, other than that, they've been picking on you mercilessly.
DOUG: Pretty much.
MAX: Well, I'm here to lend you gender support, my friend. So, Terry, why don't you continue?
TERRY: Great. We were discussing Grad Night.
MAX: The yacht. Sounds great.
TERRY: Now, we've already spoken to six caterers, they're all excited to bid on the project, but a couple are so expensive that I know they'll price themselves out of the running.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorela and Sookie are walking through the town square]
SOOKIE: Weird. Very weird.
LORELAI: It's as if we had no history. He treated me the same as he treated what's her name and the overly coifed lady and the one who kept jiggling her leg the whole time.
SOOKIE: Ugh, I hate that.
LORELAI: It's like an earthquake. And he was so nonchalant.
SOOKIE: So, standoff-y?
LORELAI: No, he was just Max. And I wanted to hook up with after to talk, but very conveniently, he excused himself five minutes early for an appointment and I couldn't walk out early with him because I'm the stupid treasurer and it would look fishy.
SOOKIE: They made you treasurer. Are they insane?
LORELAI: I tried to tell them. And what's with this appointment nonsense? And no eye contact.
SOOKIE: You mean he never once looked at you?
LORELAI: Oh, he looked, but it was very lacking in meaning.
SOOKIE: Were you looking at him meaningfully?
LORELAI: No. I was trying to play it cool.
SOOKIE: Well, there you go. He was doing the same thing. You were both James Dean-ing it, trying to keep it professional.
LORELAI: No, he was not playing at it, I was. He was really it.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Cool.
SOOKIE: Got it.
LORELAI: So. . .
SOOKIE: Maybe you two never kissed.
LORELAI: Me and Max? Oh no, we kissed.
SOOKIE: Maybe it was an illusion.
LORELAI: It was not an illusion, Doug Henning. We kissed.
SOOKIE: Don't be so sure because something like this happened to me when I was like ten. I was so into Leif Garrett and I fantasized about kissing him so much that at some point, I really thought it happened.
LORELAI: I kissed Max, Sookie.
SOOKIE: I can still feel Leif's lips on mine.
LORELAI: I kissed him.
SOOKIE: Well, what is Rory's take on all this?
LORELAI: Oh, I told her about the kiss at first, but it's weird. I mean, he's back at Chilton and I'm back having some sort of involvement with her teacher. She's dealing with finals and everything. I don't wanna stress her out about this.
SOOKIE: Lorelai, what's the ultimate thing here? Do you wanna get back together with him?
LORELAI: I don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling or what I'm looking for these days, and I hate that. 'Cause it's so wishy-washy, but it's true. I mean, technically, I'm still seeing Alex, although it's more intermittent than ever. I'm not even sure I wanna get back together with Max. The kiss just happened out of the blue.
SOOKIE: The alleged kiss.
LORELAI: Sookie, we kissed.
SOOKIE: Okay, calm down.
LORELAI: If I knew where Max was on all this, I would know better where I was. It's like when you go to a steak and lobster place, it's easier to know what you want once you know what your date wants. Like, you want steak if he's getting lobster, 'cause then you can share. Or if he's not, you can get surf and turf, though you risk looking like a pig, but some guys aren't turned on by a big appetite, and now I'm not just confused, I'm massively hungry.
SOOKIE: Me, too. Maybe lunch will take your mind off it a bit.
LORELAI: Hope so.
SOOKIE: Are you sure there was really an Alex?
LORELAI: Stop.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH
[The principal is in his office. There's a knock at the door]
PRINCIPAL: Come in.
[Jess opens the door]
PRINCIPAL: Well, well. Jess Mariano. What a pleasure. Sit down.
JESS: I was just trying to buy prom tickets and they told me to go see you.
PRINCIPAL: Sit down. So, the prom, huh? I wouldn't have taken you for someone who'd wanna go to the prom.
JESS: My girlfriend wants to.
PRINCIPAL: Oh, that's too bad.
JESS: What, why?
PRINCIPAL: Because you flunked out.
JESS: I what?
PRINCIPAL: You're not graduating, Jess. Prom tickets are for graduating seniors only. Guess your girlfriend's outta luck.
JESS: Now wait a minute. I'm just a little behind. I can catch up, no sweat.
PRINCIPAL: You can't, you missed too much.
JESS: It hasn't been that much.
PRINCIPAL: Thirty-one days you've been out. Cutoff's twenty.
JESS: So that's it, just like that?
PRINCIPAL: That's it.
JESS: Thanks for the warning.
PRINCIPAL: You mean the nine warning slips we gave you weren't enough? All the meetings that I tried to set up between you and your guidance counselor, between you and me that you blew off, that wasn't warning enough?
JESS: I can catch up, I'm smarter than anyone here.
PRINCIPAL: And humble, too.
JESS: I can catch up, you'll see.
PRINCIPAL: There's nothing to see, you're out.
JESS: Fine, I'll take summer school if that's what you want.
PRINCIPAL: Good, but it's not enough. You have to take the whole year over.
JESS: The whole year? No way.
PRINCIPAL: Then no diploma.
JESS: At least let me go to the prom, what's the big deal?
PRINCIPAL: We're done here.
JESS: Come on.
PRINCIPAL: You wanna talk about coming back next year, my door's open.
JESS: I'm not gonna miss this place.
PRINCIPAL: Vice versa.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks to the living room where Rory is getting ready to leave]
LORELAI: No, no, it's impossible.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I just counted the money in the cash box and I'm eighteen dollars short.
RORY: Weren't you supposed to deposit all that at the bank?
LORELAI: Uh, be judgmental later. Help me in my fiscal crisis here.
RORY: Did you count the money when they gave it to you?
LORELAI: Ah, I glanced at it.
RORY: Boy, you are a sucky treasurer.
LORELAI: The job was forced on me.
RORY: Well, the cash box must've been short when you got it.
LORELAI: Or maybe a burglar broke in here. That could've happened.
RORY: A burglar who bypassed out TV, our stereo, and our jewelry and went straight for the Booster Club cash box and took eighteen dollars and left the rest?
LORELAI: Some burglars are less greedy than others.
RORY: Well, I'm out of answers.
LORELAI: Great. I'm gonna have to put eighteen of my own dollars in to ward off suspicion. You're off to the party this early?
RORY: Jess and I are helping the band set up. I do the cymbals.
LORELAI: You're not taking your purse.
RORY: I'm not?
LORELAI: You don't need money, you don't need ID.
RORY: Well, where will I keep my house key?
LORELAI: You'll put your house key through the metal thingy on your belt. You'll only lose it if you take off your belt, and if you're taking off your belt for any reason at the party, I'm not sure I want you coming home.
RORY: Brilliant.
LORELAI: Uh, your shoes okay? You got good traction?
RORY: Traction?
LORELAI: Well, there'll be liquids of various textures and disgustingness. You eating there?
RORY: Oh, if they have stuff.
LORELAI: Do not eat chips out of a communal bowl. You might as well stick your hand in a toilet.
RORY: Nice.
LORELAI: If you're desperate, offer to be the person who replenishes them with new bags and grab a handful out of the new bag and dump the rest in the communal bowl.
RORY: Got it.
LORELAI: And keep in mind that getting up on a table and performing a song of any kind will haunt you for the rest of your life. Trust me. Been there, done that.
RORY: I wasn't planning on doing that.
LORELAI: Hm, those things are never planned. You going now?
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: I'm going, too. I'll lock it up.
RORY: Otherwise I'd have to undo my belt. Enjoy your Booster Club meeting.
LORELAI: I will. Hey, hon?
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: I promised myself I wasn't gonna ask you about Max anymore considering the history and that he's back teaching you and all. . .and I'm gonna keep my promise. Good, huh?
RORY: Very good.
LORELAI: Okay, well, that's all I wanted to say.
RORY: Okay.
[they both leave]
CUT TO KYLE'S HOUSE
[The band is setting up before the party]
DAVE: Does this set up feel right to everybody?
LANE: Cool by me.
BRIAN: Me, too.
DAVE: How's it look out there?
RORY: Like you're gonna b*llet straight to the top of the charts, with a b*llet or a - a g*n's gonna sh**t a b*llet, and I'm not, uh, familiar with the precise terminology, but it's working, right?
JESS: They look like a band to me.
ZACH: You need to move back more.
BRIAN: Why?
ZACH: Because when I do my double jump kick off the amp with slashing windmills, I'm gonna need more room.
LANE: Well, don't do that then.
DAVE: Yeah, sounds a little too Milli Vanilli, Zach.
BRIAN: And if I back up anymore, my extension cord might damage the miniature date palm.
LANE: The what?
BRIAN: It's what that's called. My aunt's got one.
ZACH: Dude, don't call plants by their specific names, it's very not rock and roll.
DAVE: Let's finalize the set list, guys.
[Rory walks over to Kyle, who is putting breakable objects away in a box]
RORY: Need any help hiding the valuables, Kyle?
KYLE: Nope. We stashed the snow globes, hid the Lladros, now we're just packing up the Hummels.
MARSHALL: Two to go.
KYLE: Marshall, watch it! Boy with Toothache is mom's favorite.
MARSHALL: Sorry.
KYLE: Hey, did I hear the singer say something about a double jump kick?
RORY: We'll talk him out of it.
KYLE: Good.
MARSHALL: Zealous Xylophonist, that's sweet.
DAVE: Starting off with a slow tune won't work, Brian.
ZACH: Yeah, man, it's so emo, it makes me sick.
BRIAN: I was just playing devil's advocate.
DAVE: Devil's advocate.
ZACH: Not a bad name.
[Two boys enter the house with a keg]
BOYS: Keg!
KYLE: That's my cousin Rick. He just turned twenty-one. Pretty awesome.
RICK: Twenty-one, yeah!
LANE: What is that, beer?
ZACH: No, it's one of those milk kegs.
BRIAN: Good one.
LANE: There's beer, is that legal?
DAVE: Well, apparently Rick is twenty-one.
RICK: Twenty-one, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
DAVE: Or just really into that particular integer.
LANE: Beer.
ZACH: It's a party, Lane. What were you expecting, Tang?
LANE: No, I guess not.
KYLE: The carpet, guys. Lift it, lift it.
RICK: Oh, we got it.
KYLE: Marshall, go get towels to set it on. And not the good towels, the swim towels.
[Young Chui walks up to the band]
YOUNG CHUI: Anything I can help you with, guys?
DAVE: Uh, we got it covered. Thanks, Young Chui.
YOUNG CHUI: How about you, Lane? You need water or anything?
DAVE: Uh, Young Chui, you should probably stay away from the band area. We got a lot of cords and stuff, and I don't want you to get electrocuted and die.
YOUNG CHUI: Oh, okay. [walks away]
DAVE: So, is he staying for the whole thing?
LANE: He's got nowhere else to go.
KYLE: These are the good towels.
MARSHALL: These are the swim towels.
KYLE: The swim towels have stripes and they're oversized. Now, come on, hurry. We still have to put away my dad's military icon collector plates.
JESS: We're here a little early, don't you think?
RORY: No, we're with the band. We're the roadies and the sound crew and I'm advising on makeup for Lane and I'm the keeper of Brian's sandwich and thermos. So we're busy backstage-type people.
JESS: We're dork-early.
RORY: Come on, get into the spirit of things. Hello Cleveland!
JESS: Guess I'll wander around a little.
[Zach jumps off the amp and knocks over the microphone]
DAVE: And you couldn't even work your slashing windmills in.
ZACH: Yeah, maybe I'll skip it.
DAVE: Good thinking.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai walks past a group of guests and over to Michel at the front desk]
LORELAI: Uh, Michel, are you okay?
MICHEL: Do I look okay?
LORELAI: Are those people waiting for a bellman?
MICHEL: No, they're waiting for a unicorn to sing to a rainbow. Yes, a bellman. But there's only one because we had to lay off the others. And a maid called in sick, so not only am I dealing with answering phones and checking people in and out, but I'm going to have to do turn down service and carry people's bags to their rooms and. . .
LORELAI: You're going to a bad place. Now just take a breath and go to a good place.
MICHEL: Plus, I had to run home and play with my Chow puppies because the Chow book said they need love and stimulation or else they'll m*rder you later on. And Pau-Pau had fallen in her water bowl and was soaking wet so I had to blow dry her and. . .
LORELAI: Okay, the nice place, and I can stay and help a little bit, okay?
MICHEL: She could've drowned. I'm a bad daddy.
LORELAI: Pau-Pau's fine. Just watch the desk, get the bellman back here. I'll do turn down.
MICHEL: [to guest checking in] Have you ever seen Chow puppies? You want to eat them up.
CUT TO KYLE'S HOUSE
[Rory walks up to Jess]
RORY: They're getting ready to go on. They're all hyperventilating to the same rhythm, so that's a positive sign. What are you looking at?
JESS: The happy family. Kinda depressing if you ask me.
RORY: Oh, Mr. Sunshine. You're spreading so much joy around, you're embarrassing yourself. You've got to get a little more moody.
JESS: I'll try.
RORY: Let's look around a little bit.
JESS: Okay. [they walk past a crying girl] Seems a little early for that.
RORY: It never is.
JESS: Bathroom line.
RORY: Figures.
[they walk into the kitchen; some boys are standing around the keg]
JESS: Hey. What's up with you guys?
KYLE: Stupid keg.
MARSHALL: It's not working.
JESS: Where's the tap?
KYLE: The what?
JESS: It's a keg, it's sealed. You need to hook up a tap to pump the beer out.
KYLE: I told you the thing in the bag did something.
RICK: [pulls the tap out of a bag] No instructions.
JESS: Jeez. [he attaches the tap to the keg] There, start pumping.
MARSHALL: All right. To Jess!
KYLE: To Jess.
RICK: To Jess.
JESS: Yeah.
KYLE: Yeah.
RORY: You and Springsteen, the working man's hero.
[they walk up to the band]
RORY: You ready to go on, guys?
DAVE: Only if Brian rallies.
RORY: What's wrong, Brian?
BRIAN: I don't feel good.
DAVE: It's his heartburn again.
ZACH: I told you, dude, it's your citrus intake. Stop eating oranges.
[Lane walks up to Rory]
LANE: Rory. Uh, you've gotta do me a big favor.
RORY: Name it.
LANE: Young Chui's driving me crazy.
RORY: What do you want me to do?
LANE: Uh, if you see any unattached girls who you think would go for a very available, uh, needy, self-delusional guy, send 'em Young Chui's way.
RORY: I'll keep a lookout.
DAVE: Lane.
LANE: Oh my God, this is it.
RORY: Knock 'em d*ad.
DAVE: Brian, you with us?
BRIAN: I have completely forgotten how to play the bass.
ZACH: Perfect.
DAVE: Brian, you're just nervous. Take a deep breath and use your inhaler.
ZACH: Yeah, and don't forget that the hair and fingernails on John Entwistle's body were still growing when they brought in his replacement.
BRIAN: You're gonna replace me?
DAVE: We're not gonna replace you. Just relax and let the music flow through you.
RICK: Come on, let's go!
GIRL: Yeah, come on - rock and roll!
LANE: Zach, start.
DAVE: Wait, wait, someone's gotta introduce us. Rory, introduce us.
RORY: Me? Why me?
RICK: Come on, let's go!
MARSHALL: Yeah, crank it!
DAVE: Go, go.
RORY: All right. Uh, now, who wants to hear some tunes? [the crowd cheers] Okay, good, there's a consensus. Here they are, Stars Hollow's rockingest band. Although they're not all from Stars Hollow, but they, um, they practice there, so we kind of consider them our own. Here they are. . .[to the band] What's your name?
ZACH: "Follow them to the Edge of the Dessert."
DAVE: "The Chops." "Follow them to the Edge of the Dessert."
ZACH: "The Chops."
[Rory mumbles into the microphone and walks away. The crowd cheers and the band starts playing]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai knocks on a guest room door]
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: Turn down.
LUKE: Come on in.
[Lorelai walks into the room]
LORELAI: Hello there. This won't take long. Luke.
LUKE: Lorelai.
LORELAI: What are you doing here?
LUKE: You invited us, remember?
LORELAI: Us?
[Nicole walks out of the bathroom]
LORELAI: Oh, hey. Hi Nicole. There's the "us".
NICOLE: Hi, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I don't usually do this turn down service. I mean, I did when I started many moons ago, but that's when I was a maid. Wow, you guys are here.
LUKE: You didn't know?
LORELAI: No. I mean, I remember inviting you. It's great that you're here. Um, but when I told Michel I would do the turn down service, it must've slipped his mind that you were here. Pau-Pau fell in her water dish.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Never mind. I'll just do this and get out of your way.
LUKE: Hey, you don't have to.
NICOLE: Yeah, Lorelai, really, we can do all this.
LORELAI: No, you are our guests and you deserve to get what you're paying for.
LUKE: We're not paying.
LORELAI: No, no, but this is where you start paying - in sweat.
LUKE: What?
NICOLE: Fame, right?
LORELAI: Yeah, Debbie Allen. In sweat. I just loved how she said that. Let's see. . .uh, you need towels.
LUKE: You can just give 'em to me.
LORELAI: Okay, here are your towels. And, let me see. . . oh, I'll draw your curtains closed. What else, what else? It's been a little while since I've done this. Oh, do you want a f*re?
LUKE: I don't know. Nicole?
NICOLE: Uh, a f*re would be nice.
LORELAI: Okay, I'll light it for you. We have these new log bags now, makes it real easy. Uh, okay. [tries to light the fireplace] So, nothing like a f*re on a cold night like this, huh?
LUKE: Mm.
LORELAI: Hm, I'm not having much luck here. And, uh, you know what, we laid off the person who was able to light these things no problem, now we can't light these things, and ironically we laid him off because of a f*re.
LUKE: It's okay, forget it. I can light it.
LORELAI: Okay. What else, let's see. Oh, um, well, turn down. I need to turn down the bed.
LUKE: Really, Lorelai.
LORELAI: No, no, no. Up, up, up. Okay, I'll get ya all settled here, nice and comfy. Great lines with these covers here. Pillows, nice and plump. And a couple of pillow mints. There you go, now you're all ready to. . .uh, you're all ready for your evening.
LUKE: Fine, good, that's good.
NICOLE: Yes, great, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Well, you're all set. Just call if you need anything, and have fun.
CUT TO KYLE'S HOUSE
[The band finishes up a song and the crowd cheers]
DAVE: Okay, thanks. Uh, we're gonna take a short break and then we'll be back.
RORY: Guys, that was amazing. Really, it was awesome.
DAVE: Thanks.
ZACH: Dude, you did good, you really did. But you got a little too close to me when you were singing into the mike.
BRIAN: I got as close as I had to.
ZACH: Your nose touched my cheek, man. That's too close.
LANE: Guys, come on, just be happy. We played and we didn't suck, right?
DAVE: Yeah, it was good.
KYLE: Come on, let's spread the word. All drinks on coasters, please.
MARSHALL: Hey, the coasters are there to be used.
LANE: Dave, what's wrong? I mean, we totally rocked.
DAVE: We sounded great.
LANE: Then what is it?
DAVE: It's this Young Chui thing. It's driving me crazy.
LANE: Why?
DAVE: Why? Lane, when are you. . .when are you gonna break up with him?
LANE: It's complicated. Young Chui's very sensitive right now.
DAVE: I'm sorry, but I don't care.
LANE: If you got to know him, you'd understand.
DAVE: I don't want to get to know him. I just want him to do his part and break up with you so that I can take you to your prom. He's acting like he's in love with you or something.
LANE: Well. . .
DAVE: Oh, no. Is he?
LANE: Kind of.
DAVE: Kind of?
LANE: Apparently, totally.
DAVE: Young Chui is in love with you and that's why he won't break up with you, so that he gets to take you to your prom. And he knows that your mom likes him and that we're running out of time.
LANE: No, we're not out of time.
DAVE: The prom's in two weeks.
LANE: I'll make it happen, I swear.
DAVE: It's too late. I'll see you for the next set. [walks away]
LANE: Dave.
[cut to Rory and Jess]
JESS: So, what now?
RORY: What do you mean, what now?
JESS: Let's go, let's get out of here.
RORY: Go where?
JESS: Anywhere.
RORY: It's early.
JESS: It's boring.
RORY: Jess, we can't just go.
JESS: Yes, we can.
RORY: The band's playing a whole other set.
JESS: They can do it without us.
RORY: I don't wanna leave. Now, come on, try to have fun. Talk, mingle.
JESS: I don't wanna talk to anybody else. I don't like anybody else.
RORY: I don't wanna leave. I need to stay here for Lane, come on. Gloomy.
JESS: We'll go right when they get done playing, okay?
RORY: Sure, Grandpa.
JESS: Rory.
RORY: We'll go then, I promise.
KYLE: Hey, you drop a chip, you pick it up. It's common courtesy folks.
CUT TO LATER AT THE PARTY
[Rory and Jess run into Dean and Lindsay]
RORY: Hi guys.
DEAN: Hey.
LINDSAY: Hey.
RORY: So, Lindsay, what did you think of Lane's band?
LINDSAY: I liked 'em. Although I didn't recognize most of the songs.
DEAN: She's not a music freak like you.
RORY: Well, we all can't be freaks.
DEAN: True.
RORY: So what kind of music do you like?
LINDSAY: I don't know. . .uh, Michelle Branch, Matchbox 20.
JESS: Jeez.
RORY: I like them, too. I mean, I like all kinds of things.
LINDSAY: You used to go to our school.
RORY: He still goes.
DEAN: Really? I haven't seen you around much.
JESS: What are you, the attendance monitor? I'm gonna go see what the hell's holding up this line. [walks away]
RORY: He's not feeling well.
LINDSAY: That's too bad.
DEAN: Uh, well, we'll see you later.
LINDSAY: Bye.
RORY: Bye.
[cut to Lane in another room]
MARSHALL: Hey, Lane. There's some guy looking for you.
LANE: Good, where?
[he points across the room to Young Chui, who waves to Lane; Lane walks to the kitchen]
KYLE: Oh, oh, and the part where Gimli the Dwarf is riding his horse, then Legolas grabs the front straps and swings himself up on top of it.
RICK: Dude, dude, that was awesome!
LANE: Any more left in that thing?
KYLE: Plenty. Foam or no foam?
LANE: Anything you hand me, Kyle, I'm downing.
[he hands her a cup of beer and she takes a sip]
LANE: Very refreshing.
KYLE: Oh, oh, and at the end when the tree is on f*re and then he puts himself out in the flood. Oh!
CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA
[Lorelai walks in for the Booster Club meeting]
LORELAI: Hi, sorry I'm late. Actually, I'm not late. I was right on time, but then I remembered I left the cash box in the car. I mean, I was not used to having to carry a cash box. So I went back and got it, and I was carrying it by the handle and the stupid thing flew open and money flew everywhere, and I may have lost eighteen bucks in the process. Anyway, here I am. So where's Doug?
TERRY: I believe we scared Doug away.
CARRIE: I love scaring the Dougs away.
JOAN: So, you were telling us about these ridiculous dock fees.
TERRY: Right. We got what was supposed to be a final quote from the yacht owner, who then remembers he failed to mention an exorbitant dock fee.
JOAN: Unbelievable.
TERRY: And I don't wanna pay. I made some calls and I have several suggestions on how to get around it. Oh, but first, let me bring in a student from the senior class who wanted to give her own thoughts about the yacht trip. Come on in.
[Paris walks into the cafeteria]
CARRIE: [quietly] Oh no.
JOAN: [quietly] Paris Gellar.
PARIS: Ladies, thank you for seeing me. I know you're busy with work and have families to get home to, so I really appreciate your courtesy, and I'll make it brief. Having Grad Night on a yacht is the worst idea since Neville Chamberlain told the people of England, "Hey, don't worry about h*tler. He's a stand-up chap." Forget the inconvenience of being at sea with guests unable to leave if the party is dull or if the band, which will inevitably be composed of accountants with semi-mullets, decides to do a half-hour tribute to Kenny G. The seasickness factor alone, abetted by snuck-in flasks and badly cooked food, could lead to an epidemic, which may lead to lawsuits the school could ill afford. These points conclusively call for a change in venue to a hotel ballroom, a restaurant facility, several of which I've already called. Here are the results of my research. I've also included a list of maritime disasters from the past fifty years -- capsizings, onboard fires, et cetera -- and trust me, it'll put you off your lunch. Thank you for your time and cooperation. [leaves]
TERRY: So, my thought is to discuss these yacht fees directly with the yacht owner first.
JOAN: Absolutely.
[a woman walks in]
BARBARA: Hello everyone, sorry I'm late.
TERRY: Oh, that's okay.
BARBARA: I'm Barbara Epstein, I teach drama, and I'll be your faculty rep tonight.
TERRY: Welcome Barbara.
BARBARA: I just left Max Medina, he filled me in on everything that you're doing here.
TERRY: Good, then we'll get a running start. We're dealing with a fee that we do not wanna pay for this yacht.
LORELAI: Keep going, girls. I just need. . .um, I'll be right back.
TERRY: Okay.
LORELAI: Joan, you gotta watch the cash box.
JOAN: Will do.
[Lorelai leaves. In the hallway, she walks up to janitor]
LORELAI: Oh, sorry. Um, nearest bathroom? [he points] That way, huh? I'm gonna go this way. I think the farthest one is the one I'm looking for. I told a friend I'd meet her there, so I'll just go. . .
[she walks down the hall and sees Max inside a classroom. She opens the door.]
LORELAI: Gotcha.
MAX: You sure did.
LORELAI: Bad time?
MAX: Kind of.
[she walks in]
LORELAI: Busy?
MAX: Real busy.
LORELAI: You're avoiding me.
MAX: No, I'm not.
LORELAI: Then what's with the 'I'm busy' thing?
MAX: I can't be busy?
LORELAI: Ah, but that's avoiding me, saying you're busy.
MAX: No, it's descriptive of my current state. These essays are due back tomorrow, I'm way behind on my reading, so I'm eating my day-old vending machine at my desk in my futile attempt to try and catch up.
LORELAI: Two rotations.
MAX: What?
LORELAI: It's in the Booster Club bylaws, my friend. I looked it up myself. Faculty advisors are supposed to do a minimum of two consecutive rotations with the Booster Club and you did only one.
MAX: I did three.
LORELAI: What?
MAX: I did three. You went to my third one. I did the previous two you weren't at.
LORELAI: I'm assuming you have documentation?
MAX: Lorelai.
LORELAI: With Lorelai Gilmore, it's trust but verify.
MAX: Well, I'm sure I can scrounge up a witness.
LORELAI: Why did you treat me so weird at that last meeting?
MAX: I treated you with respect and kindness.
LORELAI: That's why it was weird. It's how you treated Terry and Joan, too. I mean, did you also kiss Terry and Joan?
MAX: Yeah, I did. And Doug. He was the best of the three.
LORELAI: Max.
MAX: I was playing it cool. You were, too. I was just following suit.
LORELAI: No, I was playing it cool because you were playing it cool. And I'm the treasurer and the treasurer has to be cool or it just looks suspicious.
MAX: Wait, wait, wait. Ten feet.
LORELAI: Ten feet?
MAX: That's a safe distance for us, and the more furniture in between, the better.
LORELAI: I'm not gonna att*ck you.
MAX: I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about me. I mean, there are people still walking the halls and this is my workplace and I can't be held responsible for what I do around you. I mean, you are like a - like a - like a mythological creature that casts some kind of spell on me and makes me act stupid. I'm not stupid. I don't act stupid with anyone else. Uh, we're too close again.
LORELAI: Okay, I didn't bring a frickin' tape measure. I'm not good at judging distances. You'll have to help me out with the ten feet thing.
MAX: Well, it's a little bigger than a basketball player. Just keep a really big basketball player between us.
LORELAI: Wow, I bet there's a sentence that's never been uttered before.
MAX: There are other complications with this whole thing, you know. Just thought I'd tell you.
LORELAI: What other complications?
MAX: I was seeing someone in California. There, I said it.
LORELAI: You mean, you weren't living like a Trappist monk while you were in California? I'm shocked.
MAX: That doesn't bother you?
LORELAI: Max, we weren't together. I mean, I have been seeing someone, too.
MAX: Well, I would probably still be seeing Diane if I hadn't moved back here. That's something to think about.
LORELAI: So you can't date anyone for the rest of your life because if you'd stayed in California, which you didn't, you might still be dating Diane?
MAX: Yes. No. Ugh!
LORELAI: Do you want an aspirin? I probably have a. . .Tic Tac. Sorry, I shouldn't have teased you with that aspirin thing.
MAX: You know, I thought we were both going to just pretend to ignore the kiss. Wasn't that the deal?
LORELAI: We had a deal? I don't remember a deal.
MAX: You had your sh*t, okay? You had the ring and you said no.
LORELAI: Yes, I did. And you said that that was right for you, too. You went to Stanford, you dated Diane, it was right for both of us.
MAX: Well, what is this, now, right here?
LORELAI: It's us. Tada.
MAX: Well, us needs to stay apart.
LORELAI: Oh, Max, we had a whole country between us for a year. That's like eleven-thousand basketball players lying end to end, and yet, here we are. We can't avoid each other.
MAX: I thought I was over you. I thought it was safe to come back here, but no, not the deal. I just, I think we should stay apart and never see each other ever again.
LORELAI: That's impossible.
MAX: No, it's not.
LORELAI: Well, I'll be at the Chilton graduation and so will you.
MAX: Well, I'll sit behind a tree.
LORELAI: We could run into each other at a drugstore again.
MAX: Well, I'm gonna order all my drugs online.
LORELAI: If my car breaks down next to yours, will you stop?
MAX: I will stop, and keep my eyes straight forward, call a garage and then stay in my car with the radio on really loud 'til they come, and then I'm gone. And I say we start being apart right now.
LORELAI: Okay. Whatever you want.
MAX: This is what I want. And when I walk out that door, it could very well be the last time we see each other.
LORELAI: Okay. I'll abide by your wishes.
MAX: Goodbye, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Goodbye, Max.
[Max leaves the classroom and walks down the hall. As he walks by the other door from the classroom, Lorelai walks out and bumps into him.]
LORELAI: You said you were leaving.
MAX: My car is that way.
LORELAI: Well, I have to go that way, too.
MAX: After you.
LORELAI: Two seconds, we've already run into each other.
MAX: Doesn't count.
CUT TO KYLE'S HOUSE
[Rory walks over to Young Chui]
RORY: Young Chui, have you seen Jess?
YOUNG CHUI: Uh, I think I saw him go upstairs. Have you seen Lane?
RORY: Not for awhile. She's probably with the band. Why don't you go see?
YOUNG CHUI: Oh, I don't wanna lose these seats.
RORY: Right, right.
[in the kitchen, Lane is refilling her beer, Kyle is on the phone]
KYLE: It's just me and Marshall, Mom, honest. . . okay, kiss Uncle Newtie for me. Bye. [hangs up]
LANE: Hey Kyle. Mind if I use your phone there?
KYLE: As long as it's local.
LANE: Oh, it's local distance, yeah, don't worry.
KYLE: Okay.
[Lane picks up the phone and dials a number]
LANE: [on phone] Hello, Mama? Hi, how are you doing tonight?. . .It's Lane. Yeah, Lane. . . Nothing's wrong. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good right now. Had a beer and a half, nice cold beer. And I just thought I'd tell you, I'm drumming in a band tonight at a party and we rocked. We were The Clash and Rage Against the Machine and Nirvana combined. And I'm in love with Dave Rygalski. He's my guy, not Young Chui. Young Chui's a ship in the night, Mama. Not even a ship, he's a little tugboat tooting along and I'm not gonna go to the prom with him, unh uh. I'm going with Dave, because we rock together, Mama. The charade is over.
[Dave walks in and hangs up the phone]
LANE: Hey.
DAVE: What are you doing?
LANE: What I should've done months ago, Davey.
DAVE: That was not your mother. Tell me that wasn't your mother.
LANE: Oh, that was the mother. I am liberated, my friend.
DAVE: You're drunk.
LANE: No, I'm. . .am I?
DAVE: We're going on in five minutes. Can you even play?
LANE: Oh, I can h*t the sticks on those brums.
DAVE: Great, great, but what about the drums? [walks away]
LANE: Dave.
[Rory walks upstairs and finds Jess sitting in an empty bedroom]
RORY: There you are.
JESS: Hey.
RORY: I've been looking all over for you.
JESS: Just got tired of everything down there.
RORY: Are we allowed to be up here? I mean, Kyle was kind of discouraging it.
JESS: When you have a party, you get what you get.
RORY: Yeah, I guess. Sad boy, what's wrong? You were looking forward to this party, what happened?
JESS: Nothing.
RORY: Something did. Come on, tell me. [they kiss] You're not tired of me, are you? [they kiss again] That's a pretty good answer.
[They kiss again, then start making out on the bed]
RORY: Jess, wait. . . Jess, wait. . . Jess. [jumps up off the bed]
JESS: Jeez.
RORY: Not here, not now.
JESS: Fine.
RORY: What's wrong with you?
JESS: Nothing's wrong with me.
RORY: Someone could've walked in that door.
JESS: And Santa Claus could come down the chimney, whatever.
RORY: You did not think that it was going to happen like this, did you?
JESS: I don't know what I think anymore.
RORY: Jess.
JESS: Rory, stop, just stop! I did not invite you up here, you came up here on your own!
RORY: [starts to cry] I don't know what I did. [leaves room]
JESS: You didn't do anything. Rory. . .
[Rory walks down the staircase crying and Dean stops her]
DEAN: Rory. Are you okay?
RORY: Yes. No. I don't know.
DEAN: Whoa, what happened?
[Jess walks down the steps]
JESS: Figures.
[He walks away and Dean follows him]
RORY: Dean, no.
[Dean punches Jess and they start fighting throughout the house]
RORY: Stop it, guys! Stop it!
[Dave walks up to Young Chui]
DAVE: Young Chui, we gotta talk.
YOUNG CHUI: Don't touch me, Dave.
DAVE: I'm not gonna touch you. I just think it's time you and I had a real talk about the Lane situation.
YOUNG CHUI: Just a talk?
DAVE: We'll keep it friendly, honest.
[Dean and Jess burst through a door and knock Dave into Young Chui]
YOUNG CHUI: Ah, get off me!
DAVE: I'm trying.
[Dean and Jess knock into the band equipment]
ZACH: Bogus.
[Some kids push Dean and Jess out onto the front lawn. Two boys pull them apart]
RORY: Guys, just stop it!
JESS: Let go of me!
RICK: Cops.
MARSHALL: Oh, no, man. Is that. . .
KYLE: Boy with Toothache.
MARSHALL: Oh, you're d*ad.
[a police car pulls up to the house]
OFFICER: Okay, dump your cups and go home. Now.
RORY: Jess. . .
[Jess leaves. Rory sees Lane throwing up in the bushes and walks over to her]
RORY: Lane. . .
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x19 - Keg! Max!"} | foreverdreaming |
3.20 - Say Goodnight, Gracie
teleplay by Amy Sherman-Palladino & Janet Leahy
story by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Jamie Babbit
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT KYLE'S HOUSE
[Kyle and Marshall are cleaning up litter in the front yard.]
KYLE: Get the wrapper.
MARSHALL: What wrapper?
KYLE: The Tootsie Roll wrapper.
MARSHALL: What Tootsie Roll wrapper?
KYLE: The one at your feet.
MARSHALL: I don't see it.
KYLE: It's right there.
MARSHALL: Where?
KYLE: Marshall, stop arguing with me, my parents are watching.
[Lorelai is waiting on the sidewalk; Rory walks out of the house with a backpack]
LORELAI: Have you see these guys? They're hilarious.
RORY: I got it, we can go.
LORELAI: Why are you holding it like that?
RORY: Because when Lane left it here last night, it was a very different color.
LORELAI: Are you sure she's gonna want that back? It's been left alone all night at a keg party. There's no getting it over that. That backpack is permanently scarred. That backpack is Zelda Fitzgerald.
RORY: Well, Zelda's going home.
LORELAI: Okay. Your first cop-raided party. I am just so proud.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I just wish I could've been there.
RORY: It was no big deal.
LORELAI: Did they bring the paddywagon?
RORY: Yeah, but then we snuck out the backdoor of the speak-easy and headed straight for the Algonquin.
LORELAI: How was Benchley?
RORY: Drunk again.
LORELAI: So tell me more about this party last night. I mean, I know the end, but what happened in the middle?
RORY: Lane's band played, they were great, and then people just hung out and talked, and then, uh, there was some sort of fight, I guess. The cops came, that's it.
LORELAI: Hm.
[Luke walks up to the house]
LORELAI: Hey, Luke.
LUKE: I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.
LORELAI: Sure, yeah.
RORY: Ten minutes is great.
LUKE: And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.
LORELAI: And then hopefully got your hearing checked.
LUKE: Can I finish my story?
LORELAI: I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.
LUKE: And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with Tess. So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the Hummel.
LORELAI: The what?
LUKE: Exactly.
[Luke walks toward the front door]
LORELAI: Uh, so let's get back to the party recap. Any little details you wanna tell Mommy?
RORY: Jess and Dean got into the fight.
LORELAI: Over you.
RORY: I was a contributing factor.
LORELAI: Was anyone hurt?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: And that's why the cops came and broke up the party?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: So not only did you go to a cop-raided party but you started the raid?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: This fence is broken because of you, this crap is on the ground because of you.
RORY: What's your point?
LORELAI: [sings] Did you ever know that you're my hero?
RORY: Oh my God!
LORELAI: [sings] You're everything I would like to be. And I could fly higher than an eagle, 'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
[opening credits]
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Guests are gathered in the lobby for breakfast. Two of them walk up to Lorelai.]
DENNIS: Oh, these muffins, they're brilliant.
PEG: Tell us you sell your muffin mix.
LORELAI: Sookie, these people wanna throw roses at your feet.
SOOKIE: And I will let them.
PEG: Listen, Sookie, Dennis and I and a bunch of us others wondered if you offered cooking classes.
SOOKIE: Cooking classes?
DENNIS: Some of the better B&B's have them on the itinerary.
SOOKIE: Oh, of course they do. So, we do, too.
PEG: We will be your disciples.
SOOKIE: Oh my gosh, we're gonna have so much fun. We'll start with some spreads and jams, and if there's time - desserts. I have this chocolate balm. . .oh, but breads. . .and soups!
LORELAI: Um, Sookie, hon, we don't have a kitchen.
SOOKIE: Oh, right.
PEG: There's no kitchen?
SOOKIE: Okay, not a problem. You'll all come to my house.
PEG: Can't wait.
DENNIS: Cheers.
[Lorelai and Sookie walk to the front desk]
LORELAI: Uh, make a note - if the guests are gonna wear those robes downstairs, we need to buy ones with thicker material.
SOOKIE: Really.
LORELAI: Seeing the sunlight h*t Dennis gave me a whole new respect for Peg.
SOOKIE: Hey, listen, uh, Jackson's up in Rochester today helping his cousin rebuild his Nova. He's not getting home 'til late, so you know what that makes me?
LORELAI: Available.
SOOKIE: Like an intern.
LORELAI: Oh.
SOOKIE: What are you and Rory doing tonight?
LORELAI: I'm open. Rory's got plans with the grandparents.
SOOKIE: I didn't know you guys were back in touch.
LORELAI: I'm not, Rory is.
SOOKIE: Ah.
LORELAI: Mmhmm, yeah.
SOOKIE: Well, at least the family pressure's off you now. That's good, right?
LORELAI: I don't know. I mean, before this whole Friday night dinner thing, I didn't see them regularly and we didn't talk regularly, so it wasn't weird when I didn't see them or talk to them regularly.
SOOKIE: You miss them.
LORELAI: No, I just feel like I'm not doing something I'm supposed to do. I feel guilty.
SOOKIE: So what are you gonna do about it?
LORELAI: I'm gonna hope it passes.
SOOKIE: Sounds healthy.
CUT TO CHURCH
[The priest is leading a service at the front of the room. Rory walks in with Lane's backpack and takes it to Lane, who is sitting at a table at the back of the church]
PRIEST: Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are they. . .
RORY: Hey.
LANE: Hi.
RORY: So, how are you? How were things last night?
LANE: You mean, after my drunken call to my mother?
RORY: Yeah. What happened when you got home?
LANE: I'm not sure.
RORY: What do you mean you're not sure?
LANE: Well, after I finished with my Farelly brothers' audition in the bushes - thank you for the hair-holding, by the way.
RORY: Anytime.
LANE: Dave dropped me off at home. He wanted to come in, but he's an only child and I saw no reason for his family line to end with him, so I went in and he left.
RORY: And?
LANE: The place was dark.
RORY: No Mrs. Kim?
LANE: No Mrs. Kim.
RORY: No Mrs. Kim.
LANE: So, of course, I panicked. What does this mean? I mean, when I come home ten minutes late from bible study, she has a cow. But I call her drunk, tell her I'm at a party, I'm a drummer in a band, and I'm in love with a non-Korean. . .I expected there to be backup - aunts, uncles, cousins pulled out from villages I've never heard of, but nothing.
RORY: I don't understand.
LANE: So I go upstairs to make sure everything's okay. I look in her room and she's in bed asleep.
RORY: No.
LANE: Then this morning, I get up, I go in the kitchen where she's making breakfast and I say, "Good morning, Mama."
RORY: And?
LANE: She turns around, looks right at me and says, "Good morning, Lane."
RORY: Really?
LANE: And those were the last words she's said to me all day.
RORY: So she's freezing you out?
LANE: No, it was more Stepford than cold. You know, very calm, very serene.
RORY: Okay, well, let's think. Maybe she didn't hear you.
LANE: I was drunk, I could've slurred.
RORY: Exactly. Maybe she thought you said you were at a smarty, playing clock music, drinking fear, and in love with Rave Smitchalsky.
LANE: And how would that be better?
RORY: It's much less clear.
LANE: What is that smell?
RORY: Your backpack.
PRIEST: Blessed are they which are pers -
[The priest sees the rabbi at the back of the church gesturing for him to speed things up.]
PRIEST: [speaks quickly] Uh, blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs are the Kingdom of Heaven.
RORY: You have to talk to her, Lane.
LANE: I can't talk to her.
RORY: Well, what are you going to do?
LANE: Well, first off, I volunteered to work this table for the next two months. Plus, I told her I'd go to that Seventh Day Adventist college in Hartford and live at home.
RORY: Lane, no.
LANE: And I told Dave to forget about the prom. There's no way that's gonna happen.
RORY: I'm sorry.
LANE: Don't be, it's my fault.
[The rabbi enters with a group of people]
PRIEST: And utter every kind of evil against you falsely because of me, Amen. Okay, let's go. Sorry, David.
RABBI: No problem, Archie.
[The priest leaves, the rabbi starts his service.]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Jess rushes around the crowded diner serving people]
WOMAN: Excuse me, I'd like some ham.
JESS: Be right back.
WOMAN: But I'd like some ham!
[Jess delivers a plate to a table]
MAN 1: Is this what I ordered?
JESS: Yes. [walks to the table by the door] Know what you want yet?
MAN 2: Oh, uh, no, not yet.
JESS: You know what might help?
MAN 2: What?
JESS: Opening the menu.
MAN 2: Yes, thank you for the tip.
[Jess walks to the counter]
JESS: I need ham.
CAESAR: No ham.
JESS: We got a shipment of ham yesterday.
CAESAR: No ham.
JESS: Caesar, there's a lady over there that has been saying she wants ham for the last twenty minutes and if I go back there empty handed, there's a fifty-fifty chance that she will eat me.
CAESAR: No ham.
JESS: Then sew some bacon together 'cause that woman is getting ham.
[Jess picks up a plate and walks toward the tables]
MAN 1: Excuse me, I don't think this is what I. . .[Jess exchanges his plate with the one he's carrying] Thank you.
JESS: [holds up the plate] Who ordered this? Look in front of you. If there is nothing there and there should be, then this is yours.
KIRK: Oh, here.
[Jess gives Kirk the plate, then walks back over to the man at the table by the door]
JESS: Well?
MAN 2: What?
JESS: You know what you want yet?
MAN 2: I'll just have more coffee.
JESS: More coffee coming up. Glad to make your dining dreams come true.
[Taylor walks in]
TAYLOR: [sings] "Oh, who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew. Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two, the candy man. Oh, the candy man can!" Yes, that's right, the candy man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good, and I, ladies and gentlemen, am the candy man. Your candy man. I'm mixing it with love and making Stars Hollow taste good.
JESS: Move.
TAYLOR: Uh, in a second Jess. Give him a taffy. I come to announce to one and all that the day we all thought would never get here has arrived.
KIRK: Arbor Day?
TAYLOR: No.
KIRK: The Day of Reckoning?
TAYLOR: No
KIRK: The day the music died?
TAYLOR: Kirk.
KIRK: Give me a taffy.
TAYLOR: What?
KIRK: I've got a million of 'em. Give me a taffy!
TAYLOR: As I was saying, the big day has arrived. The opening of Taylor's Old Fashioned Soda Shoppe and Candy Store! Tomorrow from noon to six, there will be fun, balloons, ice cream, and old fashioned penny candy for just one dollar a piece. Come at noon, stay all day. . .
[Luke walks in]
JESS: Where the hell have you been? The place is a freaking zoo. Every table's full and I've got Sammy Davis Jr. here thinking it's the Desert Inn.
LUKE: I had to run an errand.
JESS: Everybody's complaining, we're out of ham, Caesar's suddenly decided to join the Slow Food Movement, and I've got a guy who's moved in at a table for four. He just sits, making it impossible for me to turn over that table, and if I can't turn over that table, then that cuts way back on my tips.
LUKE: I'm sorry, don't you mean my tips?
JESS: What?
LUKE: You know where I was this morning?
JESS: No.
LUKE: I was at Kyle's. His parents called me this morning.
JESS: Oh, yeah?
LUKE: Seems a little party you went to last night got a little Animal House, huh?
JESS: Dean started it.
LUKE: Oh, you're not really gonna use that one, are you?
JESS: Well, he did. He sucker punched me and I was just defending myself.
LUKE: Oh, apparently you defended yourself all the way through the house and out into the front yard. You defended yourself with a chair that is now broken. You defended yourself with a coffee table. You defended yourself with an ottoman.
JESS: I don't need a recap.
LUKE: Do you have any idea how much damage you caused?
JESS: Dean caused it, too.
LUKE: The place was trashed.
JESS: Dean trashed it, too.
LUKE: Are you trying to k*ll me?
JESS: Nope, it'll just be a perk.
LUKE: Okay, well, here's the deal. From now on, every cent that you make here goes toward paying them back.
JESS: Hey, what about -
LUKE: Dean's paying them back also.
JESS: How do you know?
LUKE: Because he was at Kyle's house when I got there.
JESS: You're kidding me.
LUKE: He had already worked out a financial agreement with the parents and was helping them put a fence back up.
JESS: Man, he's gonna make some woman a fine doormat someday.
LUKE: You are making good on this, Jess.
JESS: I have to get more coffee out of the store room.
LUKE: Every cent is getting paid back. I never want those people calling me again.
[The man at the table by the door gets up and leaves. Luke notices that the man left his wallet on the table. Luke picks it up, then walks out the door to catch him]
LUKE: Hey, you left your wallet! Hey!
[Luke opens the wallet and checks the ID]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks down the steps carrying some skirts. Rory is in the living room getting ready to leave]
LORELAI: Okay, here's the problem. Every single one of my skirts is either too long or too short for this season's acceptable lengths. Which means I either have to alter or shop.
RORY: To be or not to be.
LORELAI: Just wait 'til you hear what InStyle thinks of you, young lady. What time are you getting home tonight?
RORY: We have to go over the special graduation edition of the Franklin, and of course we're completely behind, partly because Paris can't let anything go to print unless she's proofed it a million times. Can you say crazy a**l micromanager?
LORELAI: Not five times fast.
RORY: I'll be home by ten.
LORELAI: That's all I needed to know.
RORY: I forgot my notes.
LORELAI: I put them in your bedroom.
[Rory walks to her bedroom. Lorelai picks up the phone and dials a number]
EMILY: Hello?
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
EMILY: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Yup, it's me. So, how are you?
EMILY: I'm fine.
LORELAI: Good. How's Dad?
EMILY: He's fine.
LORELAI: Also good.
EMILY: May I speak with Rory please?
LORELAI: No, you can't speak with Rory.
EMILY: Why not?
LORELAI: Because I called you.
EMILY: So what?
LORELAI: You don't get to request a switch when a person calls you.
EMILY: I'm sure she's standing right there.
LORELAI: Not the point. If you wanna talk to Rory, you have to call. Then when I answer the phone, you can ask for Rory. But you didn't call, I called, so you cannot ask for Rory.
EMILY: What do you want, Lorelai?
LORELAI: I just wanted to see how you were. I haven't seen you for awhile.
EMILY: Your choice.
LORELAI: No, your choice, Mom.
EMILY: You're the one who called off Friday night dinners.
LORELAI: No, I'm the one who called off the obligation for Friday night dinners. You're the one who called off. . .ugh, you know what, I didn't call to argue.
EMILY: Fine, let's not argue.
LORELAI: Come on, Mom, this is silly. I mean, think back to before the whole Friday night dinner thing. We still had a relationship.
EMILY: You mean the one where I would trick you into calling me by leaving a message on your answering machine saying I had something important to tell you, but I wouldn't include the details so you had no choice but to call me.
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY: And then when you did call, we'd talk about the weather, you'd ask about the DAR, and then you'd put Rory on the phone, even when she was too young to talk.
LORELAI: It was not always like that.
EMILY: It was always like that. Very well. The weather's fine, the DAR is staging a luncheon at the library next week. You already said I couldn't talk to Rory, so there, I think you've fulfilled your obligation.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom, fine. Have a nice day.
EMILY: Same to you.
[They hang up. Lorelai's phone rings]
LORELAI: It's for you!
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory rushes into the Franklin meeting]
RORY: Sorry, sorry, sorry.
PARIS: The issue is a disaster. It's our last issue of the Franklin and it's a complete disaster.
RORY: I'm sure it's not that bad.
PARIS: And that's why you won't need to Botox your frown lines on your nineteenth birthday. [to another student] Not that picture, no, put it down. Put it down now! [walks away]
[Rory walks over to Madeline and Louise]
RORY: How's it coming?
LOUISE: Very frustrating.
MADELINE: We just can't seem to get exactly the right combination.
LOUISE: All right. How about blue dress, blonde guy, black limo? Works best for me.
MADELINE: Yes, however, green dress, red-haired guy, white limo works best for me.
LOUISE: White limo with blonde guy totally doesn't work. It's too washed up.
RORY: I'm assuming this conversation veered off of the cover page placement?
MADELINE: How about black-haired guy, green dress and tan limo?
LOUISE: Tan limo?
MADELINE: Good neutral backdrop.
LOUISE: Well, this opens up a whole new set of options. Bring the golf team back in.
RORY: Okay, why don't I just get these pesky Franklin articles out of your way. There we go.
PARIS: What are you doing?
RORY: I am working on the front page placement.
PARIS: What are they doing?
RORY: Staying true to who they are.
LOUISE: Look, prom is once. It happens, it's photographed, and then it's there forever.
MADELINE: Planning is essential.
LOUISE: By the way, Paris, we left a space for you in the limo. However, we're gonna need the color of your dress.
MADELINE: And a picture of Jamie.
LOUISE: And the amount of flexibility that you have with the color of your dress.
MADELINE: And with Jamie.
PARIS: Thank you, but we've already made our plans for prom night. Jamie hired a private car to drive us to the prom. We'll go in, take the picture, depending on the level of lameness, dance. Then he's taking me to dinner at Antoine's, followed by a helicopter ride to join his parents out in Martha's Vineyard for the weekend.
MADELINE: What color's the helicopter?
PARIS: As you were. [to Rory] So, have you figured out your plans for prom night yet?
RORY: Oh, no, but Stars Hollow is a much more casual kind of a prom. Less Cinderella, more Footloose.
PARIS: Still a prom.
RORY: It is still a prom.
PARIS: I can't wait.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Sookie walk down the street]
LORELAI: It's my own fault. I poked a slumbering bear with a stick. I reached out and initiated contact with Emily Gilmore. I get what I deserve.
SOOKIE: You're a bad girl.
LORELAI: You know what really stinks? They're having Rory over tonight for a movie night.
SOOKIE: Movie night? That's your thing with her.
LORELAI: Exactly. What's next? "Stay home and dance around in your underwear to the Monkees' greatest hits" night?
SOOKIE: I wouldn't put it past them to steal that, too.
LORELAI: What's going on?
[They read a sign on the bakery door that says Fran has passed away]
LORELAI: Oh my God.
SOOKIE: Fran.
LORELAI: Poor thing.
SOOKIE: I don't believe it.
LORELAI: Such a great lady.
SOOKIE: Great lady.
LORELAI: Eighty-three on her last birthday. A good long life.
SOOKIE: We should all be so lucky.
LORELAI: I'm gonna miss her.
SOOKIE: Me, too. So. . .
LORELAI: Yeah?
SOOKIE: I guess this'll put that old inn of hers on the market.
LORELAI: Right, right. I mean, she wanted to keep it as long as she was alive, and now. . .
SOOKIE: Oh my God.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: You don't think that because we wanted the property so much, we k*lled Fran.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: Through the power of our minds.
LORELAI: No, no, we wished for the property, not this!
SOOKIE: Yeah, but you never know with karma.
LORELAI: Look, we loved Fran, right?
SOOKIE: Yes, we did.
LORELAI: And whether or not we get the Dragonfly Inn has nothing to do with her dying right now.
SOOKIE: Right. . .sort of.
LORELAI: Besides, we don't know what's happening with the inn.
SOOKIE: Fran has no heirs.
LORELAI: You never know. Some long lost gold-toothed cousin could come out of the woodwork, inherit it and turn it into a beauty salon or law offices.
SOOKIE: Not our Dragonfly!
LORELAI: The point is, if we are meant to have the Dragonfly Inn, then we are meant to have it.
SOOKIE: Right. Like Doris Day.
LORELAI: Que sera.
SOOKIE: Sera.
LORELAI: Let's focus on Fran and how much we loved her. Not think about the inn at all.
SOOKIE: Okay.
LORELAI: You're thinking about it.
SOOKIE: Just about where to put the woodburning oven.
LORELAI: We'll put it in the apartment that we're sharing in hell.
SOOKIE: Let's buy flowers.
LORELAI: Yeah, lots and lots of flowers.
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Lane and Mrs. Kim are polishing a set of chairs]
LANE: This is a really nice chair. Is it old?
MRS. KIM: Old enough.
LANE: Well, it's really nice. I mean, the back is very sturdy and the legs are all the same length and the wood looks like it was a tree at some point, which is good for wood, 'cause it was.
[There's a knock at the front door]
MRS. KIM: Could you get that please?
LANE: Yes, Mama.
[Lane walks to the door and answers it. Dave is standing on the porch]
LANE: What are you doing here?
DAVE: I'm here to see your mother.
LANE: What?
DAVE: Excuse me.
LANE: Dave, Dave, wait!
[Dave walks into the house and over to Mrs. Kim]
DAVE: Excuse me, Mrs. Kim, I need to speak with you.
MRS. KIM: I'm busy, David.
DAVE: A few weeks ago you told me that Lane had a crush on me. Well, I have a crush on her, too. Now, I know you have very strict rules about dating and boys, but I just want you to know that I'm a good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket, I'm healthy, I take care of myself, I floss. I never watch more than 30 minutes of television a night partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents, I do well in school, I never play video games in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial k*ller. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar, and I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom.
[Mrs. Kim doesn't say anything]
DAVE: Mrs. Kim? Please don't make me repeat that list again.
MRS. KIM: Let never day nor night unhallow'd pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done.
DAVE: Okay, thank you.
[Dave and Lane walk outside.]
DAVE: Did you hear what she said?
LANE: Yes, I did.
DAVE: What did it mean?
LANE: I don't know.
DAVE: Was it a yes, was it a no?
LANE: I'm not sure.
DAVE: Well, it's gotta be from the bible, right? So I'll just go home, do some research, look on the Internet, see what I can find. I'll call you when I know something.
LANE: Okay.
[He kisses her, then leaves]
LANE: I'm so writing him a song tonight.
CUT TO MOTEL
[The man who left his wallet in the diner is in his motel room. There's a knock at the door, he answers it, Luke is there.]
LUKE: Left your wallet in the diner. [tosses it to him]
JIMMY: Oh, wow, did I? Look at that. I guess I did. Thanks for bringing it back.
LUKE: No problem.
JIMMY: You know, I really like this driver's license picture, too, so you could imagine what a drag it would be to have to replace it.
LUKE: So what are you doing here, Jimmy?
JIMMY: Just passing through.
LUKE: Passing through from where?
JIMMY: California.
LUKE: California?
JIMMY: Yeah, I've been there for a few years now, seems to be working out.
LUKE: Well, glad to hear it.
JIMMY: Yeah.
LUKE: So what are you doing here, Jimmy?
JIMMY: Nothing, really, just. . .
LUKE: He hasn't missed you.
JIMMY: I'm sure that he hasn't.
LUKE: Never says a word about you.
JIMMY: I wouldn't expect he would.
LUKE: Do you know why he doesn't miss you, Jimmy? Because you're a loser and nobody missed a loser.
JIMMY: It's been seventeen years, Luke.
LUKE: Oh, you remember how long it's been. I am impressed.
JIMMY: Yeah, well, I always could count.
LUKE: And your list of attributes ends there.
JIMMY: Okay, so I guess we're not playing nice anymore.
LUKE: You know, the last time I saw you is right after Liz gave birth. You were gonna go out and buy some diapers and meet us back at the apartment. Remember that?
JIMMY: Yes.
LUKE: You went out, but you never came back.
JIMMY: A lot of time has passed and a lot of things have changed.
LUKE: Really, like what things? You?
JIMMY: Yes, me. Maybe. Why not?
LUKE: Oh, come on, you never called before. Why now? What do you want, you need money?
JIMMY: What?
LUKE: 'Cause he doesn't have any.
JIMMY: I don't need money.
LUKE: I don't have any either.
JIMMY: I don't need money.
LUKE: So the look is a choice?
JIMMY: No, I just wanted to. . .I don't know, see him.
LUKE: Why now?
JIMMY: I don't know, I just thought it was time. You don't think it was time?
LUKE: You really want my opinion on this subject?
JIMMY: Luke, give me a break.
LUKE: Give you a break? I am trying to keep this kid from falling off the face of the Earth. I'm trying to get him through school. I'm trying to give him a future. And I gotta be totally honest with you, Jimmy - I am not doing too well.
JIMMY: No?
LUKE: No, and the last thing he needs is a special appearance by his father who can't be here for any good reason.
JIMMY: There's no evil plan here. I have a job, a life. I just thought I'd come and...
LUKE: What? Say hello, see if he looks like you? Then what?
JIMMY: Well. . .
LUKE: What?
JIMMY: I don't know!
LUKE: Okay, well, while you're figuring it out, let me plant this little thought in your head - you do or say anything to upset Jess and make it harder for me to keep him on the right path, I'm gonna put your head through a wall. Any wall, you can pick the wall, but it's gonna be a wall, okay?
JIMMY: I just wanted to see him.
LUKE: Well, you saw him. Now get outta here.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory are walking toward the church for the funeral]
LORELAI: You know, Fran was one of the first people I met when we moved here.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: The first day here, I stopped in. . .
RORY: And asked her for directions to the inn.
LORELAI: Yeah. She was so sweet. And oh my God, she loved you. I didn't think she was gonna let me leave the bakery with you. She just kept giving you cookies in a shameless attempt to buy your affections away from me. And let me tell you, for a couple weeks, it worked. For two weeks, you just kept staring at me like, "You're the lady who took me away from the cookies. I'm gonna k*ll you."
RORY: Mom, can I just meet you at the church?
LORELAI: Why, what are you planning? Is it finally payback time?
RORY: I just need to stop in at Doose's and get something. Kleenex, we'll need Kleenex.
LORELAI: Aw, I'll come with you.
RORY: Um, well. . .
[They approach a bench where Miss Patty is sitting, crying]
LORELAI: Aw, Patty. . .
MISS PATTY: Now it all starts.
LORELAI: What all starts, honey?
MISS PATTY: First Fran, then the rest of us.
LORELAI: Aw, Patty, it's not the plague. It was just her time.
MISS PATTY: I can't go.
LORELAI: Yes, you can. Come on.
MISS PATTY: No, just leave me.
LORELAI: I'm gonna get her to the church.
RORY: I'll meet you there. [walks away]
LORELAI: Come on, let's go.
MISS PATTY: You know, it's times like these that you realize what is truly important in your life. I'm so glad I had all that sex.
LORELAI: Hurry, honey.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[The diner is empty except for Jess at the counter. Rory starts to enter the diner, then stops herself. She walks away, then walks back to the door and stops herself again. Luke walks down into the diner and watches. Rory walks away. Jess sees her and starts to follow after her. He stops himself and walks back to the counter. He starts to go after her again, then walks back in and sees Luke watching him]
JESS: What are you looking at? [goes upstairs]
CUT TO CHURCH
[People are entering the church for the funeral. Taylor is greeting people at the door]
TAYLOR: Thank you for coming, the grand opening has been postponed. Thank you for coming, the grand opening has been postponed. Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming, the grand opening has been postponed. Thank you for coming, the grand opening has been postponed. Thank you for coming, the grand opening has been postponed.
[Everyone takes their seats, and the priest starts the service]
PRIEST: Welcome all. The large number of people here today is a testament to how much Fran Weston has touched each and every one of us. We'd like to start by inviting Marjorie Rogers, Fran's close friend, to share a few words with us.
[Marjorie walks to the podium]
MARJORIE: In 1955, Fran opened Weston's Bakery. Back then, she was the new kid on the block, and soon thereafter, she hired me, a mother of three rugrats and a husband overseas, and we became best friends. Still are.
LORELAI: That's so sweet.
SOOKIE: You think we'll still be friends when we're d*ad?
LORELAI: I will if you will.
MARJORIE: Fran was and is Stars Hollow. And to ensure that her love and spirit continue, Weston's Bakery will remain open and run by those who have Fran's heart in their hearts.
[applause]
MARJORIE: Of course, Fran's family has been here long before even Fran. They opened the Dragonfly Inn back in 1893. The Dragonfly Inn was once regarded as the Violet Lady, the premiere inn in all of . . .[the microphone goes out].
LORELAI: What'd she say?
SOOKIE: I heard "premiere inn" then squat.
LORELAI: Is she still talking about the inn?
SOOKIE: I don't know.
KIRK: Shh!
[the microphone fades in and out as Marjorie continues speaking]
MARJORIE: Inn . . .ortant role. . .ing. . .it's special. . .all who. . .
LORELAI: She said "inn."
SOOKIE: And "ortant" and "ing."
MARJORIE: . . .set. . .World w*r. . .
SOOKIE: She said World w*r.
LORELAI: One or two? Where are we, where are we?
MARJORIE: . . .Fran. . .
SOOKIE: She's pointing to somebody.
LORELAI: Yeah, it's a man in a suit.
SOOKIE: Does he have a gold tooth?
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: You guys, people are turning.
MARJORIE: . . .to you all. [leaves the podium]
SOOKIE: Did she say who gets the inn?
LORELAI: I don't know.
[The priest returns to the podium and fixes the microphone]
PRIEST: Uh, thank you, Marjorie. And now, I'd like to point out that the time is twelve p.m., the time Fran would normally be opening her doors on Sunday after church, welcoming us to join her in friendship at Weston's Bakery. So, if we may at this time all bow our heads for a minute of silence to mark the passing of the soul and our dear departed friend.
[a marching band starts playing outside]
TAYLOR: No, no, the grand opening is canceled! Sorry, folks. [runs outside to stop the band] Stop, it is canceled. . .canceled!
CUT TO LATER AT THE FUNERAL
PRIEST: As we close, I'd like to honor a special request Fran had, and that is to take one final stroll around the Town Square before going to her final resting place. All those who would like to participate, please assemble outside.
MRS. KIM: [to Lane] Walking with d*ad people not my thing. Let's go.
RORY: Where's Sookie?
LORELAI: Just giving our condolences.
RORY: And asking what you missed when the mike cut out?
LORELAI: And giving our condolences.
[Sookie walks over to them]
SOOKIE: The man in the suit's name is Brink. He's a lawyer and he's here to get Fran's affairs in order.
LORELAI: Do you think we can talk to him?
SOOKIE: Yes, but Lorelai, you have to get back to the inn and I've got those B&Bers waiting at my home to learn how to make jam.
LORELAI: Okay, well, let's get him now.
SOOKIE: I think our window of opportunity just slammed shut.
[They see the lawyer helping carry the casket out of the church]
LORELAI: Great.
SOOKIE: Now what?
LORELAI: We very respectfully hover in his vicinity until the walk is over. . .
SOOKIE: Then we will politely ask him to get in touch with us.
LORELAI: Yes. Coming?
RORY: No, you guys go ahead. I'll be in the back of the line so that when the earth opens up and swallows you whole, I'll be here to tell a story.
LORELAI: Okay.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory walks out of the church and Dean walks up to her.]
DEAN: Hey, Rory.
RORY: Oh, hey. You were in there?
DEAN: Yeah. I got here late so I kind of just hung in the back.
RORY: It was nice of you to come.
DEAN: Well, she was a nice lady.
RORY: Yeah, she was.
DEAN: Listen, uh, can I talk to you for a sec? We'll catch up, I promise.
RORY: Sure.
DEAN: Good. Okay, um. . .
RORY: What?
DEAN: Come on.
RORY: Dean, what are you doing?
DEAN: Okay. Uh, are you ready?
RORY: Yes, I'm ready.
DEAN: I asked Lindsay to marry me.
RORY: You. . .you. . .
DEAN: And she said yes.
RORY: She. . .she.. .
DEAN: So what do you think?
RORY: I. . . I. . .
DEAN: I know, who woulda thought? I mean, it's weird, but Lindsay's amazing and I asked and she said yes, so. . .I'm getting married. Say something.
RORY: Why?
DEAN: What?
RORY: No, I don't mean why, I mean, why now?
DEAN: Why not now?
RORY: Well, you're eighteen, first of all.
DEAN: So?
RORY: So, you're young. I mean, you haven't even gone to college yet. Oh my God, you are still going to college, aren't you?
DEAN: Yes, Rory, I'm still going to college.
RORY: Well, how. . .
DEAN: Lindsay's gonna go with me.
RORY: But Dean, you're going to be studying and taking classes, you need to focus on that. I mean, you don't even know what you wanna do yet. And you guys haven't even been going out for that long. I mean, why don't you just date for awhile? Dating's fun.
DEAN: Thank you.
RORY: For what?
DEAN: For your deep heartfelt congratulations.
RORY: You just. . .you took me by surprise.
DEAN: So what? It's good news, you can't just be happy for me?
RORY: I can. I am. I just. . .
DEAN: You know what, I'm sorry if you have a crappy relationship with Jess.
RORY: Hey, that has -
DEAN: And I'm sorry if he treats you like dirt and everyone hates him, but that was your choice. I have a great girlfriend and I am really happy, and when you dumped me for that jackass, I thought I'd never be happy again.
RORY: Jess does not treat me like dirt.
DEAN: Whatever. I just wanted you to hear it from me before it got out. Now you know, so, um, have a nice life. [walks away]
RORY: Jess does not treat me like dirt!
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Mrs. Kim is making tea in the kitchen. Lane walks in]
LANE: Mama, do you need any help?
MRS. KIM: No, thank you.
LANE: I could get out the soy scones.
MRS. KIM: If you like.
LANE: Tofutter?
MRS. KIM: Fine.
LANE: Mama, I'm really sorry about the other night. I did everything wrong, everything you taught me not to do. I lied to you, I let you down. I never intended to do that and I don't know how to fix it, but I'm going to try my hardest because I am so, so sorry. I'll be upstairs if you need me. I'm gonna go in my room, gonna iron my dress for church and I'm gonna think about what I've done.
[Lane starts to go up to her room. The doorbell rings and Mrs. Kim answers the door. Dave is on the porch]
DAVE: I stayed up all night. I read the entire bible cover to cover. I don't know what it means.
MRS. KIM: David.
DAVE: You have to tell me what it means. Is it yes, is it no? I can't feel my right elbow anymore. I don't even know why, but I can't.
MRS. KIM: David.
DAVE: Please, just tell me. I'm so tired.
MRS. KIM: It's not from the bible.
DAVE: What?
MRS. KIM: It's Shakespeare, Henry VI. I like to goof off now and then, too, you know.
DAVE: Shakespeare.
MRS. KIM: That is a very difficult this to do, reading the bible in one night. I myself have only done it three times. You need great determination and excellent light. I'm very impressed. All right.
DAVE: All right what?
MRS. KIM: You can go to the prom, but you cannot get married.
DAVE: That seems fair to me.
LANE: And me! The person who is going upstairs to think about what she's done.
MRS. KIM: Lane is grounded until the prom and for two months after. You may call her on the phone every other day for ten minutes and that is all. Understand?
DAVE: Yes, ma'am. Thank you, Mrs. Kim.
[Mrs. Kim walks away. Lane and Dave smile at each other]
MRS. KIM: Lane!
LANE: Thinking about what I've done!
CUT TO TOWN SQUARE
[A line of mourners are slowly following behind the pall bearers carrying Fran's casket]
LORELAI: So apparently we're all supposed to walk like Fran.
SOOKIE: It's almost four.
LORELAI: Okay, I've gotta take some initiative here.
SOOKIE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Just focus on the ground and look lost in grief.
[they move up so they are standing alongside Fran's lawyer]
LORELAI: It was a nice service.
LAWYER: Yes.
LORELAI: Yes.
SOOKIE: And this is a really nice idea, the walk around the square.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, a great idea. I may steal it when I die. You know, ask them to walk me around a benefit counter. Might freak out the makeover girls, but it's -
SOOKIE: It's nice.
LORELAI: Really nice. So listen, my name is Lorelai Gilmore and this is Sookie St. James.
SOOKIE: Hi.
LORELAI: I know this isn't exactly the best time for this, but we were wondering if you had any idea what's going to happen with the Dragonfly.
SOOKIE: Because we want it!
LORELAI: Sookie and I actually talked to Fran about buying it once.
SOOKIE: We work in the Independence Inn now.
LAWYER: The one that b*rned down?
LORELAI: Yes, but that was just an accident. It was a bad wire.
SOOKIE: A bad, bad wire.
LORELAI: It could've happened to anyone and should in no way reflect our inn-running abilities.
LAWYER: Yes, well, do you think we could discuss this a little later? This is a little heavy and I sort of need to focus.
LORELAI: Oh, let me help you here. [grabs onto the casket] Ooh, wow, for a little woman. . .Sookie, will you just. . .
SOOKIE: Oh, right. [helps carry the casket]
LORELAI: Anyway, we were just wondering, did she leave the Dragonfly to anyone?
LAWYER: No, she didn't.
LORELAI: Oh, okay. And do you know what the family wants to do with it?
LAWYER: We haven't talked in depth about it, but I'm pretty sure they're gonna sell it.
LORELAI: Well, we would really like to buy it.
SOOKIE: And keep it as an inn.
LORELAI: Yes, a wonderful inn.
SOOKIE: Dedicated to Fran.
LORELAI: Yes, but keep it the Dragonfly.
SOOKIE: And we promise not to burn it down.
LORELAI: Oh, yes, that's right. Hey, we could put that in the agreement. Ow. . .
LAWYER: Uh, here, why don't you. . .
LORELAI: Thank you. Anyway, what do you say?
LAWYER: Well. . .
KIRK: Excuse me, but you're blocking her view.
LORELAI: Oh, sorry Kirk, sorry. So you were saying?
LAWYER: I'll tell you what, you contact me on Monday and we can discuss this. As far as I'm concerned, if the check clears, it's all yours.
LORELAI: It's all ours.
SOOKIE: It's all ours.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Jess is cleaning up when Jimmy walks in]
JESS: We're closed. Learn to read. You're the loser coffee guy.
JIMMY: Well, not as cool as Bono, but I'll take it.
JESS: We're -
JIMMY: Closed. Yeah, I heard.
JESS: Okay, so we're still -
JIMMY: I'm your father.
JESS: - closed. What?
JIMMY: I'm your. . .
JESS: Are you sure?
JIMMY: Am I. . .yes, I'm sure. I didn't mean to spring this on you. I thought Luke would've told you that I -
JESS: Luke would've told me?
JIMMY: Well, yeah, he came to see me last night. He didn't tell you. That's obvious because you're still doing the staring with the frown and. . .you look different.
JESS: You want some coffee?
JIMMY: Sure. Thanks.
JESS: It's old.
JIMMY: Okay.
[They sit down at a table and both silently listen to a song on the radio for a minute]
JIMMY: I gotta go.
[Jimmy quickly gets up and leaves]
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street]
LORELAI: I was negotiating at a funeral.
RORY: I saw.
LORELAI: Which might've been the most inappropriate thing to happen today until that gnat flew into Kirk's mouth and he freaked and dropped the casket.
RORY: It was a nice save.
LORELAI: I'm feeling so weird. I'm completely sad about Fran, but the inn. . .it's really gonna happen.
RORY: Yeah, seems like it.
LORELAI: Hey, come here.
[they stop in front of a store with a prom dress in the window]
LORELAI: That one would look great on you.
RORY: Oh, I don't know.
LORELAI: We should come back tomorrow and try it on.
RORY: Maybe.
LORELAI: Hey, prom's coming up, kid. We need to get you a dress. Unless you want me to make you one.
RORY: No, that's okay.
LORELAI: Maybe we could h*t the mall tomorrow after school. I could meet you in Hartford and we could go to a fancy store where they'll follow us around like we're thieves.
RORY: I don't wanna talk about dresses anymore.
LORELAI: We've only been talking about dresses for two minutes.
RORY: Well, it feels like longer.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: And I don't know if I even need a dress, okay, 'cause I don't even know if I'm going to the prom.
LORELAI: I thought Jess agreed.
RORY: Well, that was before.
LORELAI: Before what?
RORY: Before the party, before the fight, before the thing in Kyle's bedroom.
LORELAI: Okay, come with me.
[they both get into the Jeep]
LORELAI: Okay, we left off with the thing in Kyle's bedroom.
RORY: I don't understand. One minute he's happy, then he's not. And he doesn't tell me anything ever. I mean, you're supposed to tell your girlfriend things. That's the whole point of having a girlfriend, isn't it?
LORELAI: Yes, it is. Now, Kyle's bedroom, what happened there?
RORY: And I'm so tired of fighting. Or not even fighting because he won't fight. He just gets mad and disappears and then comes back and I don't like how I feel and I don't like what I do.
LORELAI: Like what you do where, in Kyle's bedroom?
RORY: I don't wanna feel like this, I don't wanna sit around wondering when we're going to talk, if he's mad, why he's mad. I hate this. I really, really -
LORELAI: Honey, you gotta tell Mommy what happened in Kyle's bedroom!
RORY: Jess was upset and I went to look for him and we were kissing and then it seemed like he wanted to. . .
LORELAI: Did you?
RORY: No, I didn't. And then he got all weird like he was mad at me.
LORELAI: Hey, if he was mad at you because you wouldn't have sex with him, then he's a jerk.
RORY: I know that, but I don't even know if that's why he's mad at me. I don't know if he's mad at me. I don't know anything because he won't talk. He just sulks then disappears, and just when you're through with him, he shows up at hockey games with Distiller tickets.
LORELAI: Distiller tickets? What Distiller tickets?
RORY: Oh, that's right, you don't know about that because I didn't tell you because I was embarrassed because I didn't wanna be that girl and you don't want me to be that girl, but after the hockey game, I was that girl.
LORELAI: What girl? Help me, drag me along, honey.
RORY: The girl who lets her boyfriend treat her like dirt and then lies to her mom about it.
LORELAI: Okay, you need a breath here.
RORY: Something's going on with him and it's been going on for awhile.
LORELAI: You can't make him talk, Rory. He has to want to.
RORY: But why doesn't he want to?
LORELAI: Because it's probably hard for him.
[There is a car waiting to take their parking spot. Lorelai leans out the car window to yell at the driver]
LORELAI: Hey, we're not leaving. We're gonna live in this car and we're gonna die in this car, so find another frickin' spot. [to Rory] Honey. . .
RORY: I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm just. . .tired.
LORELAI: Okay. So. . .
RORY: Nothing happened.
LORELAI: Okay.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Jess is sitting at the table, Luke walks in]
LUKE: Hey. You hungry? I can make us some eggs.
JESS: So I hear you went to see my father last night.
LUKE: Yeah, I did.
JESS: Were you gonna tell me?
LUKE: He came by?
JESS: He came by.
LUKE: I didn't think he'd have the guts.
JESS: So what were you thinking?
LUKE: Jess, I don't like your father very much.
JESS: So because you don't like him, that means I can't know he's here?
LUKE: You know he's here.
JESS: No thanks to you.
LUKE: Shouldn't have come from me in the first place.
JESS: So what, you don't think you owed it to me to tell me, prepare me?
LUKE: No, Jess, I didn't. With everything that's going on here with you, I kinda hoped he'd just walk away, but. . .once again, Jimmy makes the wrong move. What a shock.
JESS: Oh, who the hell are you to decide what the right move is?
LUKE: I'm the one who's saving your ass constantly. I'm the one who just wrote a check to Kyle's father so he wouldn't press charges against you. I'm the one trying to knock some sense into that thick head of yours about the future.
JESS: Oh, here we go.
LUKE: You don't take anything seriously. That's why you're doing so crappy in school. You're smart enough, you read more than anyone I've ever seen. There's no reason why you should be barely graduating.
JESS: I'm not.
LUKE: You're not what?
JESS: I'm not graduating.
LUKE: Yes, you are.
JESS: No, I'm not.
LUKE: Yes, you are.
JESS: No, I'm not.
LUKE: Yes, you are, because we had an agreement that if you were gonna live here, you were gonna go to school and you were gonna graduate.
JESS: Well, I didn't and I'm not.
LUKE: What is wrong with you? What, did you do this just to spite me?
JESS: Look, forget it, it's done.
LUKE: What's your life now? Wal-Mart full time, that's your great future? Gonna take the plunge and buy yourself a second blue vest?
JESS: Maybe, why not? What's wrong with it? I mean, it's no diner.
LUKE: Hey, I own this business, kid! I built it, this is mine! I'm not at the mercy of some boss waiting and hoping to be chosen employee of the month for a couple extra hundred bucks and a plaque. I'm always employee of the month. I'm employee of the year, of the century, of the universe. You should be so lucky to have a job like mine. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna live here one more year, you're gonna quit you job, you're gonna take twelfth grade over again, and you will graduate.
JESS: No.
LUKE: I'm not playing with you here, Jess. You quit your job, you go to school.
JESS: I am not going back to school!
LUKE: So that's it?
JESS: Yeah, that's it.
LUKE: Then you gotta go.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai has set up breakfast on the kitchen table; Rory walks out of her room]
RORY: I thought I smelled coffee.
LORELAI: Good morning your highness. I trust you slept well.
RORY: And to what do I owe this lovely display of domesticity?
LORELAI: Well, being brilliant and all, I figured you would probably still not be in the mood to go to Luke's this morning, so I thought we'd have a nice little breakfast here.
RORY: Wow, okay. Hey.
LORELAI: Good?
RORY: These are from Luke's.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: You got up this morning, went to Luke's and brought this back.
LORELAI: Well, I sure as hell am not gonna cook.
RORY: They're good, thank you.
LORELAI: Put 'em on a plate just the way you like 'em.
[Rory looks at the newspaper]
RORY: Well, there it is.
LORELAI: [reads] "Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Lister announce the engagement of their daughter Lindsay Ann to Dean Forrester, son of Randy and Barbara Forrester." My God, they're a good looking couple. If their kids can sing there's no stopping 'em.
RORY: I still don't understand why they need to get married.
LORELAI: Maybe they have to get married before he grows so tall she won't be able to talk to him anymore.
RORY: I really do want him to be happy.
LORELAI: I know. You're good in that department.
RORY: Some people get married young and everything turns out fine.
LORELAI: Absolutely.
RORY: That'd be nice.
LORELAI: Well, we'll keep a good thought.
RORY: Hey, here's a picture of Kirk pinned by the casket.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, that's a good one.
RORY: Man, it's bad enough this had to happen, but his pants splitting on top of it?
LORELAI: Yeah. I hope he never takes too close a look at his life.
RORY: Amen. So this goes on the fridge, right?
LORELAI: Yeah, absolutely.
RORY: Good.
CUT TO BUS
[Rory is on her way to school. The bus stops and several people get off, and she notices Jess sitting in the back. She walks over to him]
RORY: Hey.
JESS: Hey.
RORY: Can I sit?
JESS: Uh, sure, sit. I thought you took an earlier bus.
RORY: My first class got canceled today.
JESS: Oh. So what's been going on?
RORY: Nothing much. Fran died.
JESS: I heard.
RORY: I went to her funeral yesterday.
JESS: Luke went, too.
RORY: I saw him there.
JESS: Yeah?
RORY: He was in the back.
JESS: I can't go to the prom. I couldn't get tickets.
RORY: Oh.
JESS: Sorry.
[the bus stops]
RORY: This is my stop.
JESS: Okay.
RORY: So, you'll call me?
JESS: Yeah, I'll call you.
[Rory gets off the bus. Jess pulls a book out of a large duffel bag and the bus pulls away]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x20 - Say Goodnight, Gracie"} | foreverdreaming |
3.21 - Here Comes the Son
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT WESTON'S BAKERY
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table with books spread open in front of them]
LORELAI: "Where's the ladies room?" "More coffee, please." "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?"
RORY: We do not need to know how to say "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?"
LORELAI: Oh, yes, we do.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: When we're in Spain, we need to know how to say, "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?" When in France, "Does Johnny Depp live near here?"
RORY: When in Rome, "Does Gore Vidal live near here?"
LORELAI: You know, you look like me, yet my ways are completely lost on you. Come on, honey, put that down. You've been studying all day.
RORY: I can't put it down, I've got finals coming up.
LORELAI: I know you have finals coming up, but you also have a piece of pie sitting there that you've been completely ignoring.
RORY: Just let me get to the end of this chapter.
LORELAI: Oh, fine. Hey, how important do you think it is to be able to say, "Help, I'm bleeding from the head"?
RORY: Just bring the phrase books.
LORELAI: No. If we learn all the phrases we need, then the phrase books are one less thing we have to lug around.
RORY: We will never be able to learn all the phrases in every language that we're going to need. Bring the books.
LORELAI: We can learn enough. Plus, doesn't everybody speak English over there anyway?
RORY: Ugly American, party of one.
LORELAI: Fine, we'll bring the books.
RORY: Okay, five minutes for pie.
LORELAI: Finally.
[Lane walks in and sits down with them]
LANE: They're here, I've got them.
LORELAI: You've got what?
LANE: The brochures for my college.
RORY: You seem chipper.
LANE: I am. I have decided to make this whole Seventh Day Adventist College experience a good one. I'm gonna look on the bright side, find the silver lining, and make myself some lemonade.
LORELAI: Well, good for you.
RORY: The campus looks pretty.
LORELAI: Very pretty.
LANE: It's got two huge parks with gardens and lakes.
LORELAI: Two parks.
LANE: One for boys and one for girls.
RORY: Huh.
LANE: And you know, I had originally thought that this was gonna be a suffocating place with out of date rules and insane restrictions, but boy was I wrong. For example, curfew is up to 9:30. 9:45 if you're going for your Masters. Makeup will be permitted, as long as it identically matches your skin tone. And owning a Rolling Stones CD is no longer grounds for expulsion. You can work the demerits off in the campus clean-up crew.
LORELAI: There's a separate park for boys?
LANE: My life is over.
LORELAI: Oh, no, no, I didn't say that.
LANE: You didn't have to. [leaves]
LORELAI: Well, it is over.
RORY: It's not over.
LORELAI: Every kid in that brochure was awkward and panicked. It looked like the Academy Award audience during Michael Moore's speech.
RORY: Hey, why don't you add the phrase "Just sit there and look pretty" to that list of yours there, okay? I've gotta go back to studying.
LORELAI: "Does that sexy guy in the Peugeot ad who had a bit part in Armageddon live near here?"
[opening credits]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks down the steps carrying her shoes. She quietly walks to the kitchen and fills up the coffeepot with water, then walks over to the coffee maker as Rory walks out of her bedroom]
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: [startled] Oh! Oh, God, Rory, you scared me.
RORY: Sorry.
LORELAI: I've been sneaking around here like an idiot trying not to wake you up.
RORY: I've been up for hours.
LORELAI: Why? Did you have a bad dream? The one where you finally meet Christiane Amanpour and she's really stupid?
RORY: No, I realized last night that at this rate, I will never finish all the work I have to do.
LORELAI: What work?
RORY: What work? What work, she asks.
LORELAI: Well, you know me and that dippy Christiane, takes a little while to catch up.
RORY: Here. [hands her a list]
LORELAI: Things to do before graduation. A list, of course. Study for finals, senior breakfast, senior awards, finish final edition of the Franklin, organize a new student government, convince Paris to give up student gavel.
RORY: Oh, and I forgot - man the yearbook distribution table this afternoon at the stupid Senior Palooza. Unbelievable.
LORELAI: Well, I'll be manning the Booster Club Grad Night table at the same time, so we can feel stupid and abused together.
RORY: I can't finish all this and sleep at the same time.
LORELAI: You have to sleep, it's what keeps you pretty.
RORY: Who cares if I'm pretty if I fail my finals?
LORELAI: Okay, you've got this so completely backwards. What is all this?
RORY: Hm? Oh, I found that if I focus too much on one subject, I start to get a little punchy. This way, when I h*t Bolshevik Revolution overload, I just shift over here and, oh, hello, Anne Boleyn is going down, and then when that gets too depressing, it's right over to calculus.
LORELAI: Saving the party subject for last, huh?
RORY: This shifting back and forth seems to produce better results.
LORELAI: I think you're pushing yourself too hard.
RORY: I made out a schedule. Every single moment of every single day from now until graduation is accounted for.
LORELAI: You left off the Kiwanis Luncheon.
RORY: I did? Are you sure?
LORELAI: It's on Monday.
RORY: How could I forget the Kiwanis Luncheon? They gave me their scholarship.
LORELAI: Oh, yes, a two hundred and fifty dollar scholarship. That'll keep you in microwave popcorn for a week.
RORY: I'll just have to move something around. And I'll have to work Grandma in.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
RORY: Grandma called and asked if I could come over and help her pick out a dress to wear to my graduation.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: I have to.
LORELAI: Rory, my mother's been dressing herself for years and she has yet to show up at a function with her bra on the outside of her clothing.
RORY: She asked, I can't say no.
LORELAI: Tell her about the koala bears. She'll understand.
[Luke appears at the back door window and waves to get Lorelai's attention]
RORY: Please stop making fun of them. We need every cent we can get. Yale is expensive.
LORELAI: I know Yale is expensive.
RORY: Well, we haven't heard from Yale financial aid yet.
[Luke gestures for Lorelai to come outside]
LORELAI: We will, relax.
RORY: Well, we had better hear from them soon because I have a deposit to send in for my room and I have a bunch of supplies to buy and I wanna get all of that out of the way before we go to Europe, otherwise I'll be obsessing about it the entire time.
LORELAI: Okay, uh, listen, I'm gonna go out and get the paper.
RORY: Okay, well, don't show it to me because I have no time for recreational reading until June.
LORELAI: Hey, could we move your, uh, chill session from four o'clock tomorrow afternoon to, uh, right now? That'd be great, thanks.
[Lorelai walks out the back door where Luke is waiting for her]
LORELAI: Okay, um, little tip - the whole stalking thing works infinitely better when you don't actually smash your face in the window.
LUKE: I need to talk to you.
LORELAI: Come inside.
LUKE: No, Rory's in there.
LORELAI: Since when are you scared of Rory? 'Cause seriously, Luke, I think you can take her.
LUKE: I just need to tell you something. Can she hear us?
LORELAI: Through the walls? No, I put some kryptonite in her waffles. We're good.
LUKE: Come over here.
LORELAI: You're freaking out the freaks this morning.
LUKE: Jess is gone.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: And I don't think he's coming back.
LORELAI: What do you mean gone? Like gone gone?
LUKE: Exactly like gone gone.
LORELAI: But when?
LUKE: Last night, this morning, I don't know. I went up there to get some money out of the safe and I noticed that all of his stuff was gone.
LORELAI: Oh, Luke, I'm so sorry.
LUKE: Yeah, well, forget it. I'm through with him. He's eighteen, he can do whatever the hell he wants. He's on his own, I'm through.
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: No, it's a relief. That kid was driving me crazy. Let him make his own way from now on. Let him see how far that smart mouth of his gets him without someone watching his back. I couldn't be more relieved. I'm just worried about Rory. I assume she doesn't know.
LORELAI: She hasn't said anything.
LUKE: I can tell her if you want me to.
LORELAI: No, it's okay. I can do it. I just have to figure out when. She's got a lot of things on her mind right now.
LUKE: Well, don't wait too long. She'll notice eventually.
LORELAI: Yes, okay. Well, thanks for coming over.
LUKE: No problem.
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: I failed him.
LORELAI: You did not fail him. You supported him, you defended him, you gave him a chance, and if he chose not to take it, there's nothing more you could do.
LUKE: Yeah. Well, I should go.
LORELAI: Do you have any idea where he went?
LUKE: Yeah, I got a pretty good idea.
[Luke leaves. Lorelai walks back into the house through the front door, and Rory walks up to her]
RORY: Hey, there is no chill time scheduled for four o'clock tomorrow, and the one thing I really don't have time for are your jokes, missy. [walks back to kitchen]
LORELAI: Later's good.
CUT TO CALIFORNIA
[Jess gets off a bus and starts walking down the street]
MAN: Do you need some help, friend?
JESS: Nope.
MAN: Lived here 25 years. I can certainly point you in a direction, make your journey easier. [Jess walks away] Enjoy this beautiful day.
JESS: [to himself] I'll have the alfalfa sprouts and a plate of mashed yeast.
[Jess stands on the beach and watches the ocean]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai pulls up and checks the mailbox. She opens a letter.]
CUT TO INSIDE LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is on the phone in the living room]
LORELAI: Yes, I've been holding for Mr. Hennings. I'm Lorelai Gilmore. . .oh, great, hi. Listen, um, I just received this letter saying that my daughter did not qualify for financial aid. Rory Gilmore. . .Uh huh. . .Okay, yes, we did recently receive seventy-five thousand dollars, but, uh, here's the thing - that money is gone. I gave it to my parents, so I don't have it anymore, I swear. You could come over here and search me. We could open a bottle of wine and put on some Motown and. . . Uh, yes, that was very inappropriate. Look, um, I owed my parents that money because they helped me put Rory through Chilton, and I wanted her to go to Chilton so that she could get into. . .well, Harvard, but then Harvard became Yale - long story - and now that she's gotten into Yale, I paid them back for Chilton. Just kind of a funny, wacky circle we could all laugh about someday. . . Yes, but, since I don't have the money anymore, it just seems like it shouldn't count. There must be something we can do. I mean, Rory is the most deserving kid there is, just seriously. You know, I don't know if you know the Kiwanis, but they gave her their scholarship and. . .mmhmm. . .I understand. . .okay. . .well, we'll just have to figure something out. . . thank you. Goodbye.
CUT TO CALIFORNIA
[Jess walks up to a house. He starts to walk through the front gate, but a bunch of dogs run up and start barking at him.]
JESS: Hey! Hello, is anybody home? Hey!
[a woman is standing on the roof of the house]
SASHA: [to dogs] Pipe down! [to Jess] You selling something?
JESS: No. Does Jimmy Mariano live here?
SASHA: Does he owe you money?
JESS: No, I'm his. . .Jess. I'm Jess.
SASHA: Jess?
[a dog starts barking]
JESS: Jess Marian -
SASHA: Frodo, back off now! I'm sorry, what were you saying?
JESS: I just wanna see Jimmy, okay?
SASHA: Hey, did you ever see The Wizard of Oz?
JESS: Yes.
SASHA: Remember when they go to the Emerald City and they ring the bell and the guy with the beard stuck his head out and they said that they wanted to see the wizard, and he said no, and they said, 'She's got the ruby slippers', and he said 'Well, that's a horse of a different color. Come on in.'
JESS: Yes.
SASHA: Well, I'm the guy with the beard and I'm saying the no unless you can come up with the ruby slippers.
JESS: I'm his son.
SASHA: His son?
JESS: Yes, his son.
SASHA: Well, that's a horse of a different color. Come on in.
JESS: Do they bite?
SASHA: Just those two. [walks away]
JESS: Which two? Hey, which two? Great. I swear I will bite you back.
[He walks into the yard. The woman walks over to greet him]
SASHA: I'm sorry, I didn't know you were coming.
JESS: Neither did I.
SASHA: I'm Sasha. This is Angus, Chowder, Rufus, Legolas, Caligula, Mudball, General Lee, Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis and Spot. Jimmy's not here right now.
JESS: Okay, well, I can just hang out, walk around for awhile. Just tell me what time he gets home.
SASHA: Why don't you come in? I'll call his work.
JESS: Oh, well. . .
[they walk inside]
JESS: You have a lot of pets.
SASHA: Ah, they're not all mine.
JESS: No?
SASHA: No, some of 'em followed me home, some of 'em hang out, some of 'em just needed a place to crash. They drive Jimmy crazy, actually, but what can you do? Someone's gotta take care of 'em, right? I'm just gonna try and track him down, so just wander.
[Sasha walks to a phone and picks it up]
SASHA: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. [she dials a number] Okay. Lee, hi, I'm looking for Jimmy. . . okay, I'll hold. . .
[Jess looks around the house]
JESS: Clowns, cats, dogs. I wonder where his tap shoes are.
[He walks into another room and looks around. He opens a cabinet door and finds a young girl reading inside]
JESS: Whoa!
[Sasha comes to the doorway]
SASHA: He wasn't at work, but his guy said he'll be back any second. Lil, Koko's gonna come over and stay with you while I'm gone, okay? And put those books back in there when you're done, I mean it. Ready?
JESS: Yeah.
LILY: Hey. . . the door.
JESS: Sorry.
[Jess shuts the cabinet door and leaves]
CUT TO CHILTON
[Louise and Madeline are talking in the hallway]
LOUISE: Shut up.
MADELINE: I swear.
LOUISE: Jean jackets are out? How is that possible?
MADELINE: I just opened the magazine and there it was.
LOUISE: This is horrible. Who decides these things?
MADELINE: Marie Claire, apparently.
[Rory walks over]
LOUISE: I feel so helpless. Did you hear? Jean jackets are out.
RORY: Out of where?
MADELINE: Vogue.
LOUISE: No, Marie Claire.
MADELINE: Whatever. We still can't wear them.
RORY: Oh, you guys, thank you so much for passing out the yearbooks for me. I really need the study time.
LOUISE: No problem.
RORY: Do you want me to at least help you bring the boxes in?
MADELINE: Oh, we've got that taken care of.
[Two guys walk by carrying some boxes]
BOY: Halfway through.
LOUISE: Yeah, well, hurry up, 'cause we need to get started.
MADELINE: God, he carries those boxes sexy.
[Rory's cell phone rings]
RORY: [answers] Hello?
EMILY: Rory, you haven't returned my calls.
RORY: Oh, Grandma, I'm so sorry. I've been really busy.
EMILY: I don't care how busy you get, young lady, you have to call your grandmother back.
RORY: I'm sorry.
EMILY: I won't be around forever, you know.
RORY: I'm really sorry.
EMILY: When are you coming over? I need to discuss what to wear to your graduation. I thought about a suit.
RORY: A suit seems nice.
EMILY: But perhaps it's too formal.
RORY: Formal's fine.
EMILY: Well, what are your friends' families wearing?
RORY: I don't know.
EMILY: Can you find out?
RORY: Um, sure, hold on. [to Louise] Louise, what's your grandmother wearing to graduation?
LOUISE: Hopefully the pearls I get when she kicks.
RORY: [to Emily] Why don't I just come over?
EMILY: Oh, that would be wonderful. Today?
RORY: Yes, as soon as I can get away.
EMILY: And bring a color swatch of your cap and gown so I don't clash.
RORY: Bye, Grandma.
[Rory hangs up, then dials a number]
LORELAI: Hello?
RORY: I just got another call from Grandma.
LORELAI: Rory, no.
RORY: I'm gonna go over there now.
LORELAI: And leave me here alone?
RORY: Where are you? I can't even see you.
LORELAI: I'm over here by the Old Spice ad.
[Rory walks to the doorway of the cafeteria and sees Lorelai across the room]
RORY: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi. Come over.
RORY: I have to go.
LORELAI: You can't come over and talk for one second?
RORY: The minute I walk into that room, I'm suddenly gonna have to sign yearbooks, and since I'm severely crunched for time, I'm gonna have to resort to classic clams like, "Hey, have a good summer. Let's keep in touch. Best friends forever," and I do not wanna be that person. Plus, Paris will immediately shanghai me and give me a million things to do.
LORELAI: You know what, you need to stop being intimidated by that girl. You're going to college for God's sake. You need to be able to stand up for yourself and say, you know, "Paris, go. . ."
[Paris walks up behind her]
PARIS: Hey.
LORELAI: Paris!
PARIS: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I was just. . .the phone rang. . .your hair is really shiny.
PARIS: We're not even set up yet. The box isn't out, the tickets aren't in order. Where's the list?
LORELAI: Uh, it's uh. . .in my purse.
PARIS: Well, terrific. I can't think of a better place for the list to be except, oh, maybe out here on the table where we could actually look at it.
LORELAI: Your hair is really shiny.
PARIS: I'm going to go make the rounds. I'll be back in a minute. Have you seen Rory?
LORELAI: No.
PARIS: I'll go look outside.
[Paris walks away]
LORELAI: [to Rory on phone] Run, run, run!
RORY: Okay, I'm gonna be at Grandma's for about an hour. Can you pick me up?
LORELAI: If Paris hasn't had me flogged, then yes, I'll be there.
RORY: Thank you. Bye.
[they hang up]
LORELAI: Please, God, tell me I didn't forget the list.
CUT TO CALIFORNIA
[Jess and Sasha are walking down the street]
JESS: So the kid in the bookcase back there. . .
SASHA: Lily.
JESS: Is she yours?
SASHA: Mine, yes. Not Jimmy's.
JESS: Oh.
SASHA: I was married for the longest minute and a half in the world and. . .[to woman walking by] . . .hey sweetie, how's everything?
WOMAN: Everything's fine.
SASHA: I love that. Give Riley a kiss. [to Jess] Then I came to my senses and ran for the hills but I got Lily so I win, ha ha. Short cut. Anyhow, I met Jimmy about five and a half years ago, but Lily's just crazy about him, so. . .[to man] . . . Ronnie, I found your keys again.
RONNIE: Oh, good. Thank you, baby doll.
SASHA: You have got to sew that hole in your pocket up, I mean it. Today, drop your coat by my house. I'll do it for you if you don't have the time. [to Jess] Got any brothers or sisters?
JESS: Apparently not.
SASHA: Lily submitted a written request for a brother by the end of this year, but I think I should be married before we have any kids.
JESS: You guys aren't married.
SASHA: You didn't know that.
JESS: No.
SASHA: You guys had quite a talk, didn't you?
JESS: Yeah, well.
SASHA: Okay, we're here.
CUT TO HOT DOG STAND
[Jimmy and a worker are looking at a jar of pickles]
JIMMY: Well.
LEE: It looks like a jar of pickles.
JIMMY: I know it's a jar of pickles, but is it that jar of pickles?
LEE: Yes.
JIMMY: You're sure.
LEE: No.
JIMMY: Look, the Chicago dills were the original pickles they sold here back in 1922.
LEE: 1922. Yes, I listen.
JIMMY: Now I finally tracked down the family that sold them, I paid a substantial premium to use the original labels, I waited weeks for them to arrive, and now they're here and I look at them and they don't look the same. Too many bumps.
LEE: Jimmy, I'm begging you, play golf.
JIMMY: Just call the guy and tell them they look different, please.
LEE: Whatever you say.
[Sasha and Jess walk up to the stand]
SASHA: Jimmy.
JIMMY: Hey Sash.
SASHA: You have a visitor.
JIMMY: Yeah?
JESS: Hey.
JIMMY: Hey. You, uh, just get here?
JESS: Just got here.
SASHA: So, Jess, I assume you'll be staying for dinner?
JESS: Oh, well. . .
JIMMY: Yeah, sure, stay. You'll stay. He'll stay. We'll get Abbott's, right?
SASHA: Whatever you want. Well, I have to get back, so I will see you guys later. [leaves]
JESS: Sorry I didn't call.
JIMMY: Hey, life's about the spontaneous, right?
JESS: This your place?
JIMMY: The Inferno. . .yes.
JESS: It's nice.
JIMMY: Thanks. Hey, why don't I come out there?
JESS: Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt your work.
JIMMY: No problem. Hey Lee, I'm gonna take a break for awhile.
LEE: Thank God.
[Jimmy walks out of the hot dog stand and over to Jess]
JESS: You didn't have to do that.
JIMMY: It's fine. So, first time on the West Coast?
JESS: First time on the West Coast.
JIMMY: Okay. The sites. Ocean.
JESS: I wondered what that was.
JIMMY: Sand.
JESS: Keeps the ocean in its place.
JIMMY: Sky.
JESS: We've got one of those back east.
JIMMY: And then you have the boardwalk. Sunglasses, smoothies, bootlegged CD's.
JESS: Good ones?
JIMMY: Not bad, I guess. I never actually bought one. My neighbor Stan did. He's not my neighbor anymore. He used to work at Lockheed, but they shut down the Burbank plant, so he went to a trade school out in the valley. He installs cable now. Sends me a postcard at Christmas time. He's Dutch. Currently, we're in Santa Monica. You keep walking, you h*t Venice - that's technically where we live. Past that, you got Marina Del Rey - lotta bike sh*ts in that area. And then you're getting near the beaches - Manhattan, Redondo, and basically that's it.
JESS: That's it. That's all of LA.
JIMMY: Well, there are these crazy rumors that if you get in your car and you actually drive east away from the beach, there's some city and other stuff, but personally I don't believe it.
JESS: I take it you like the beach.
JIMMY: I would marry the beach if man and property were allowed to mate.
JESS: Sounds serious.
JIMMY: I've lived a lot of places all over this country, and nothing, absolutely nothing, compares to this.
JESS: So where else have you lived?
JIMMY: What, where else? Let's see. Minneapolis, Chicago, Biloxi, Maine - worked on a lobster boat.
JESS: Yeah?
JIMMY: Yeah. Let me tell you, I smelled great. Did a stint in New Jersey, New Hampshire...
JESS: New York?
JIMMY: Oh, yeah, well, obviously, New York. New York was. . .well, you know what New York was, so. . .
JESS: Jimmy?
JIMMY: Yeah?
JESS: I didn't come here to bust your balls, man.
JIMMY: Okay, good to know.
LEE: [calls from hot dog stand] Jimmy, I got the pickle guy. He's as worried about you as I am.
JIMMY: I should take this.
JESS: Go ahead. I can just hang out.
JIMMY: You sure?
JESS: I got my book, I'm good.
JIMMY: Okay, you're good.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings and the maid opens the front door. Rory is on the porch]
RORY: Hi, I'm here to see my grandmother.
MAID: She's in the living room with Miss Celine.
RORY: With who?
MAID: Right this way.
[In the living room, there are clothes everywhere. Emily is wearing an evening gown and is checking herself in the mirror]
MISS CELINE: It's stunning.
EMILY: Really?
MISS CELINE: Chills, I've got chills. Turn for me, dear. Oh, it moves, it just moves. Ginger Rogers always insisted her dresses move just like that.
EMILY: Ginger Rogers, well.
MISS CELINE: Of course, she didn't have your legs.
EMILY: Oh, Celine.
RORY: Hey, Grandma.
EMILY: Rory, perfect. What do you think?
RORY: You look beautiful.
EMILY: Well, if I do, it's all because of this lady here. Rory, I'd like you to meet Miss Celine. She's been our fashion consultant for years.
RORY: Oh, well, how do you -
MISS CELINE: Oh my God, it's Audrey Hepburn.
RORY: What?
MISS CELINE: You're Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina. Just a waif with eyes.
RORY: Uh, thank you.
RICHARD: Celine, I don't think the handkerchief works with this. Oh, Rory, I didn't know you were here.
MISS CELINE: Richard, look at this girl, what do you see?
RICHARD: Well. . .
MISS CELINE: It's Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina.
RICHARD: Hm, now that you mention it, there is a touch of Audrey in her.
EMILY: But even prettier.
MISS CELINE: Yes, without that ridiculous affected accent. For years I kept telling her, "Audrey, get a speech therapist." She was very stubborn. But could she wear capris.
EMILY: You know, Rory is starting Yale in the fall.
MISS CELINE: Yale, that is exciting. You'll need a whole new wardrobe, huh?
EMILY: Oh, Celine, I love this one.
MISS CELINE: Yes, I had that exact suit made in mint for Mrs. Walter Cronkite just last week. A darling woman. We've been friends since the Big Bang.
RORY: Uh, that's nice.
EMILY: What do you think of this, Richard?
RICHARD: Well, I like the green one with the beads. It made you look like a mermaid.
RORY: But you guys know that this is just a casual graduation. Folding chairs on the grass.
MISS CELINE: There's going to be grass?
RORY: Well, yeah, it's going to be outside.
MISS CELINE: Oh, you cannot wear green around grass. I learned that from Tova Borgnine the hard way. Go try the red one on. Red goes wonderful with nature.
EMILY: All right.
RICHARD: I'm gonna try the grey linen.
MISS CELINE: Ah, yes, yes, with this white silk shirt.
RICHARD: Oh, very nice.
MISS CELINE: Yes, I had that exact shirt on Jimmy Stewart the night before his colonoscopy. He came through it clean as a whistle.
RICHARD: Hm, hm.
MISS CELINE: Never underestimate the power of a good shirt.
RORY: I never will again.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Louise and Madeline are at the yearbook distribution table handing out yearbooks]
MADELINE: Kathy Kim.
LOUISE: Check.
[Madeline takes a yearbook from the stack, rips a page out, then hands the yearbook to the student]
MADELINE: Next. Greg Agulara.
LOUISE: Check.
[Madeline rips a page out of another yearbook and hands the yearbook to him]
MADELINE: Next. Brad Langford.
LOUISE: Check.
[Madeline rips a page out of another yearbook and hands the yearbook to Brad]
BRAD: Why did you do that?
LOUISE: It has a really bad picture of us on it.
BRAD: Yeah, but that page had the only picture of me in the entire book.
MADELINE: Oh. [looks at the ripped-out page, then rips off a picture and hands it to him.] There. Next.
[pan to Lorelai and Paris sitting at the Grad Night ticket table]
PARIS: No one is going to buy our tickets.
LORELAI: Give it time, Paris.
PARIS: We've been sitting here for an hour and have sold eight tickets.
LORELAI: Grad Night is a big deal, Paris. They will buy the tickets.
PARIS: Unbutton your top.
LORELAI: What?
PARIS: Teenage boys are controlled by one thing. Unbutton your top.
LORELAI: No.
PARIS: Well, me doing it isn't going to help any.
LORELAI: Paris, you need to relax. You need to stop worrying. You need to stop obsessing. You need to stop looking at my boobs.
PARIS: Fine. Oh, man, even the stupid class poster table has a line.
LORELAI: Okay, time to play "Let's distract Paris." Look at me. Let's talk.
PARIS: About what?
LORELAI: Anything. Tell me what college you finally landed on.
PARIS: I didn't.
LORELAI: Well, what's it between?
PARIS: Princeton, Columbia, and Yale.
LORELAI: Good choices.
PARIS: I'm really not that interested in Columbia, but the thought of me going there horrifies my mother so I have to keep it in the mix, you know?
LORELAI: Do I ever.
PARIS: Princeton's a good school, but Jamie goes there.
LORELAI: That's your boyfriend?
PARIS: Yes. He goes there, and if I go there, it's going to look like I went there just to be with him. Suddenly I'm Felicity without the hair issues and I'm not terribly comfortable with that.
LORELAI: But look at it like this - not going to a school you wanna go to just because your boyfriend is there is just as bad as going to a school you don't wanna go to just because your boyfriend isn't there.
PARIS: I guess.
LORELAI: If you wanna go to Princeton, go to Princeton. If you wanna go to Yale, go to Yale. Leave Jamie out of it. Leave your mother out of it. Just decide whatever it is you wanna do and do it.
PARIS: I can try that, I guess. Thanks.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
[Lorelai leans forward to hug Paris]
PARIS: Uh, what are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm giving you a hug.
PARIS: Why?
LORELAI: Just give into it, baby. Come on, you can do it. That a girl. Unclench the fists, Paris. Unclench the fists. Yeah, there you go.
CUT TO CALIFORNIA
[Jimmy and Jess walk into Jimmy's house]
JIMMY: Sash, I'm home!
[he walks to a cabinet to put his hat away. Lily is inside reading a book]
JIMMY: What's up, Lily-Lou? Want some pineapple on your pizza?
LILY: Yes.
JIMMY: Yes. [closes the cabinet door]
JESS: Does she do that a lot?
JIMMY: All the time.
JESS: You ever find it a little weird?
JIMMY: All the time. Uh, listen, why don't you give me a minute here.
JESS: Okay.
JIMMY: Make it two, two minutes. Three, and do a special knock before you come in, maybe a -
JESS: I'll tell you what, I passed a bookstore back on the boardwalk, why don't I just go check it out for awhile?
JIMMY: Okay. But I thought the knock idea was kind of cool.
[Jess leaves. Jimmy walks into the kitchen where Sasha is sitting on the counter]
SASHA: So, last week when you said you were going to Sacramento to check out a potential supplier, you actually went. . .
JIMMY: To Connecticut to see Jess.
SASHA: That was quite an elaborate story you made up.
JIMMY: Well, I do have a gift.
SASHA: Of course I didn't believe you.
JIMMY: Okay, it's not a big gift, but . . .
SASHA: Why didn't you tell me?
JIMMY: I don't know. You're nodding your head. Why are you nodding your head? You're shrugging your shoulders. You're nodding your head and shrugging your shoulders. Why are you nodding your head and shrugging your shoulders? Will you stop nodding your head and shrugging your shoulders? Sasha, come on.
SASHA: I'm gonna pick up the pizza.
JIMMY: Just have it delivered.
SASHA: The delivery guys are too stoned after six to find the house, it'll take forever.
JIMMY: I didn't know how it was gonna go, okay? I didn't know if he was even gonna be there or if he was gonna wanna talk to me or slug me or -
SASHA: I get it.
JIMMY: Sash.
SASHA: I'll see you later, roomie.
JIMMY: Do not do that. We are not roomies. We are partners, we're soul mates.
SASHA: You just traveled cross-country to see your son for the first time since he was born and you didn't tell me. We are roomies.
JIMMY: I'm sorry.
SASHA: Get the extra mattress out of the closet.
JIMMY: What for?
SASHA: For Jess.
JIMMY: For Jess to do what?
SASHA: For Jess to sleep on.
JIMMY: Jess is sleeping here?
SASHA: Isn't he?
JIMMY: I don't know.
SASHA: Jimmy, you didn't ask him if he's staying the night?
JIMMY: No.
SASHA: Well, did you ask him how long he's here for?
JIMMY: No.
SASHA: Did you ask him anything?
JIMMY: Should I have?
SASHA: Jimmy, he could be in trouble.
JIMMY: What, he's in trouble? What kind of trouble?
SASHA: How would I know what kind of trouble?
JIMMY: Well, you're the one that just said he was in trouble.
SASHA: I said he could be in trouble. He could be running from the cops, or attempting to hop across America on one foot, or he really did come all the way from Connecticut just to have pizza with his father who he's not seen or heard from in seventeen years.
JIMMY: What are the odds it's the last one?
SASHA: Do what you want. Talk to him, don't talk to him, I am not your mother. I don't care. I'll be back. Lily, come on.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Rory and Miss Celine are sitting in the living room]
MISS CELINE: Now, Sabrina, college is a very important time in a young girl's life. You need to be properly attired.
RORY: I'm sure, but -
MISS CELINE: Trust me, a young girl is completely and solely judged by her appearance. All right, let's begin. I always start every wardrobe from the top. The hat. Remember Sabrina, it's the first thing that God sees when you walk outside in the morning.
[Emily walks down the steps into the living room]
EMILY: Well, I'm exhausted. I feel as if I've tried on every dress in town.
RORY: So is it the blue?
EMILY: Yes, I think it's the blue. I think it's quite suitable for my granddaughter's graduation.
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey. Hi hon, hi Mom.
RORY: Hey.
EMILY: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: I just came to pick Rory up. Miss Celine.
MISS CELINE: Oh my God, it's Natalie Wood! Look Sabrina, it's Natalie Wood.
LORELAI: Oh, Miss Celine, I can't believe it, you're still. . .uh, working.
MISS CELINE: Oh, I tried to retire once. Olivia deHavilland wouldn't hear of it.
LORELAI: Well, how are you? How's Mrs. Walter Cronkite.
MISS CELINE: Lovely. Thank you for asking, Natalie.
EMILY: I left the suits upstairs. I'll just go up and get them.
MISS CELINE: No, no, I'll get them. It's who I am, the keeper of the clothes. Delight to see you again.
LORELAI: Same here, Celine.
[Celine goes upstairs]
LORELAI: Oh my God, she was like a thousand when I was ten, I can't believe it.
RORY: You should've seen all the clothes that Grandma tried on today.
LORELAI: Yeah?
RORY: She picked out a beautiful blue dress for graduation.
LORELAI: Aw, I'd like to see that, Mom.
EMILY: It needs to be altered.
LORELAI: Oh, sure. I'll see it at graduation, I guess. So I'm sorry I didn't give you advanced notice that I was coming over.
EMILY: I don't need advanced notice, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Okay, you just seem tense.
EMILY: No, I'm just tired. And busy. I have a very busy evening ahead of me.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sure you do.
[the maid comes to the doorway]
MAID: Dinner's ready, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: No, it's not.
MAID: I just checked it and it's -
EMILY: I was in there ten minutes ago and it still had another forty minutes to go.
MAID: But it's really brown and -
EMILY: Lupe, please do not argue with me. It's not ready. Now go in there and make the salad. What?
MAID: The salad's ready.
EMILY: Lupe!
[the maid walks away]
LORELAI: Mom, it's seven o'clock.
EMILY: So?
LORELAI: That's your dinnertime.
EMILY: I don't have a dinnertime, Lorelai.
LORELAI: You don't have a dinnertime?
EMILY: No, I don't.
LORELAI: So all the years I grew up in this house, we did not sit down to dinner at exactly seven o'clock every single night?
EMILY: No.
LORELAI: I just imagined that?
EMILY: Lorelai, I don't know what your obsession with dinnertime is.
LORELAI: My obsession with dinnertime is that it was always at seven o'clock, now all of a sudden, it's not. Is it because I'm here?
EMILY: That's ridiculous.
LORELAI: It is. I'm here, and if you served dinner, Miss Manners would insist that you invite me to stay and you don't want to, so you're going to pretend that dinner is suddenly whenever you feel like it.
EMILY: Lorelai, do not get dramatic. Dinner is not ready, and even if it was, I would still not be able to invite you to stay because your father and I have plans tonight. We are eating quickly and then leaving.
LORELAI: To go where?
EMILY: The Thompsons.
LORELAI: For what?
EMILY: Book club.
LORELAI: What book?
EMILY: Lovely Bones.
LORELAI: Did you like it?
EMILY: It's not my taste but I respect the attempt.
LORELAI: Now I know where I get it from.
EMILY: We'll have dinner another time, all right?
LORELAI: Uh, so, are you kicking us out?
EMILY: I told you, we have plans.
LORELAI: Or do you just wanna get that dinner of yours that's been ready for ten minutes now on the table?
EMILY: Lorelai, please.
LORELAI: Tell me this - if I couldn't stay but Rory could, would you want her to?
EMILY: Of course I would, but as I told you, your father and I have plans.
LORELAI: So she can't stay even if I'm gone?
EMILY: No, she can't.
[Richard comes to the doorway]
RICHARD: Emily, for heaven's sake, it's 7:10. Why aren't we eating?
LORELAI: Oh, hi, Dad. Listen, um, Rory was gonna stay for dinner if you guys don't have plans.
RICHARD: Of course we don't have any plans. Oh, I'm thrilled, Rory is staying. You just livened up a very boring night in the Gilmore house.
LORELAI: Enjoy your dinner. And Mom, get yourself an agent 'cause you're wasting that talent of yours in dinner theater.
RORY: Mom, wait.
[Lorelai walks outside and Rory follows her]
RORY: Mom, wait. Where are you going?
LORELAI: I'm gonna drive in a circle backwards really fast to reverse the Earth's orbit to go back in time to before I made the insane decision to come here in the first place.
RORY: You came here to pick me up.
LORELAI: What was I thinking doing that?
RORY: You were thinking, 'Hey, wouldn't it be great for my daughter not to have to walk all the way back to Stars Hollow.'
LORELAI: Well, a thirty-mile hike never hurt anyone. God, I can't believe her.
RORY: And I can't believe you.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: You were gonna leave me here?
LORELAI: So you could have dinner with them.
RORY: I never said I wanted to have dinner with them. You said I wanted to have dinner with them, and then you stormed out.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm sorry. I just, I finally realized that I can't do this anymore. I can't come back here anymore, I'm done.
RORY: Well, I'm sorry. I never should've asked you to pick me up.
LORELAI: It's okay. It's good, actually. Now I can stop feeling guilty for not talking to them. I can go back to the way things were before. We share a nose and that's it.
RORY: So we're going?
LORELAI: Yes, we're going.
RORY: Okay, I have to go get my books. Please be here when I come back.
[Rory walks back inside]
EMILY: Are you staying?
RORY: No, I have to go, Grandma.
EMILY: All right, I guess we'll just see you at graduation then.
RORY: I guess you will.
EMILY: I swear, I don't know what to do with that mother of yours, I really don't. Everything has to be such a scene.
RORY: I think you're being really stupid. [leaves]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory drive through the town square]
LORELAI: So, Souplantation. . .
RORY: Hang on, I'm almost at the end of this chapter. [pause] Okay, let the raving begin.
LORELAI: A room full of all you can eat food. Soup, salad, pizza, pasta, chicken wings, ice cream, rainbow sprinkles. How did I not know about the rainbow sprinkles?
RORY: I have no good answers for you.
LORELAI: We are going back with Tupperware.
RORY: It's turning yellow.
LORELAI: Ah, sh**t.
RORY: Come on, g*n it.
LORELAI: I can't.
RORY: Mom, we have to get home.
LORELAI: Rory, I already have two tickets. I cannot get another.
[Lorelai stops the car at the red light]
RORY: Oh, I can't believe you stopped.
LORELAI: I can't believe you wanted me to go.
RORY: There's no one around.
LORELAI: Now no one's around, but the second I run that light, a police car, four helicopters, the Canadian mounties and the crew of Cops jump out of a dumpster and I'm toast.
RORY: Paranoid.
LORELAI: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, my friend.
RORY: All right, I guess we wait.
[They see Luke sweeping the sidewalk in front of the diner]
RORY: Do you think Luke will know we went to Souplantation?
LORELAI: Not unless you tell him.
RORY: But maybe he'll be able to tell. They'll be a glow.
LORELAI: An all-you-can-eat glow.
RORY: He'll see the glow, he'll know we cheated, and he'll never give us extra fries again.
[Luke sees them and runs inside]
RORY: Um, Mom, why did just bolt away from us?
LORELAI: Maybe he saw the glow.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Okay, first of all, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I just thought with all the stuff you were doing, maybe I should wait.
RORY: What's going on?
LORELAI: Jess is gone.
RORY: Gone where?
LORELAI: I don't know. Luke knows, but he didn't tell me. But he doesn't seem to think he's coming back.
RORY: Neither do I.
LORELAI: Are you okay?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Ugh, forget this.
[Lorelai runs the red light and heads home. A police motorcycle pulls out and follows after her]
CUT TO CALIFORNIA
[Jess is browsing in a bookstore when Jimmy walks up to him]
JIMMY: Hey, when you say 'I'm going to check out a bookstore on the boardwalk', you be more specific.
JESS: What?
JIMMY: I have been wandering around for over an hour. I've been to three different bookstores. I have been worried sick about you, you hear me?
JESS: Sorry.
JIMMY: Outside.
JESS: But -
JIMMY: Outside.
[they walk outside]
JIMMY: Are you in trouble?
JESS: What?
JIMMY: You know, when you left home, were the cops after you?
JESS: No.
JIMMY: No 'cause they shouldn't be or no 'cause they haven't found the head yet?
JESS: What's up, Jimmy?
JIMMY: You just showed up here, man.
JESS: I know I did.
JIMMY: No call, no letter, just like -
JESS: Just like you showed up in Stars Hollow with no letter, no call.
JIMMY: Hey.
JESS: Were you in trouble?
JIMMY: We're not talking about me, we're talking about you.
JESS: I'm not running from the cops.
JIMMY: Then why are you here?
JESS: Why'd you come to Stars Hollow?
JIMMY: Hey, listen, Mr. Double-Talk, I need an answer here.
JESS: Well, so do I. You show up, you don't talk to me, you don't say anything. You just have a cup of coffee, then you left. Why'd you come if you didn't even wanna talk to me?
JIMMY: I did wanna talk to you.
JESS: You did?
JIMMY: Of course I wanted to talk to you. You think a person travels all the way across the country just to listen to a Bowie song? Granted, a classic off Ziggy, but still.
JESS: So, what, you're telling me you just chickened out?
JIMMY: Yeah.
JESS: Oh. Well, I came to see you.
JIMMY: Okay.
JESS: And I thought maybe I could crash here for a little while.
JIMMY: Uh huh.
JESS: Just a little while. I don't need my own room or anything. I can just sleep on the couch.
JIMMY: Or the extra mattress we keep in the closet.
JESS: Sure, that'd be fine, too.
JIMMY: You know, Sasha's always right. It drives me crazy. No matter what the situation, she's always right.
JESS: Jimmy.
JIMMY: I'd love to be right just once in awhile, you know?
JESS: It wouldn't be for long.
JIMMY: Do you know she called the Super Bowl five times in a row? Who does that? What is she, a witch?
JESS: You know what, say no if you want.
JIMMY: Jess, man, come on, you can't stay here.
JESS: Why not?
JIMMY: 'Cause you can't.
JESS: Why not?
JIMMY: 'Cause you can't.
JESS: Why not?
JIMMY: Because you can't.
JESS: Well, I'd ask "why not" but it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere.
JIMMY: Look at me, Jess. I'm not a father. I was never a father. I left you because I wasn't a father. I mean it, the minute the cigar was finished, I was like, "What the hell are you doing? You can't take care of yourself. How are you gonna take care of someone else?"
JESS: That's not why -
JIMMY: I can't take you in, I can't raise you.
JESS: Raise me? I'm eighteen! I'm raised. I can vote, I can be drafted. It's a little late to throw me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle birthday party.
JIMMY: I thought you didn't come here to bust my balls.
JESS: I didn't.
JIMMY: Well, then put the bat down, man.
JESS: I don't need a daddy. I just need a place to crash.
JIMMY: Do you even understand that it's only been the last five years that I've even started to put my life together? You don't wanna be around me. I am a screw-up. That is my genetic code.
JESS: Well, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
JIMMY: Don't say that. You're young, you can do anything you want.
JESS: A month. Just let me stay a month.
JIMMY: Are you listening? I have nothing to offer you. Nothing.
JESS: You have nothing? I have nothing! I have no place to go. I can't stay at Luke's, I can't stay in Stars Hollow. My mother is a wackjob. I mean, you're saying you're this loser and what, you don't wanna take me off this terrific path I'm headed down right now? I'm not graduating high school. I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life, but something's telling me I better find out soon or I'm gonna be that guy out there on the boardwalk selling the hemp hats.
JIMMY: I have one of those. It's a good hat.
JESS: Well?
JIMMY: I have to talk it over with Sasha.
JESS: Just tell her I'm a dog.
JIMMY: Great idea. Maybe you can sit there and lick yourself while she decides, you know, help sell it.
JESS: Thank you, Jimmy.
JIMMY: If she says it's okay, then we'll see.
JESS: Fine, we'll see.
JIMMY: It may not work out.
JESS: I totally understand.
JIMMY: But I'll ask and if she says it's okay, then we'll see. We'll see.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk through the front door]
RORY: Oh my God, I'm so tired.
LORELAI: Here's a crazy thought, how about going to bed?
RORY: I have to study.
LORELAI: Or, better yet, make a pot of coffee and once again, get no sleep. Just as good.
RORY: What's this?
LORELAI: Oh, that's just. . .Yale needed my Social Security number for something.
RORY: Oh.
[Rory walks toward the kitchen. Lorelai looks through Rory's yearbook in the living room]
LORELAI: Look who became a soche.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You have a lot of signatures in here, little girl.
RORY: Everybody signs everybody's yearbook. It's polite.
LORELAI: [reads] "Rory, have a great summer. BFF. Amber." Hey, Amber BFF'ed you.
RORY: Yeah, I feel truly blessed.
LORELAI: [reads] "Hey, Aurory Borealis." Okay, can't talk to this one ever again. [reads] "You have been my inspiration, my rock, my light. I loved you in South Pacific." When did you do South Pacific?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Some dipstick named Shauna thinks you were in South Pacific.
RORY: Oh, Shauna tends to get people mixed up.
LORELAI: Oh, okay.
[Lorelai looks at the yearbook some more, then walks to the kitchen]
LORELAI: Hey, you know what's weird? A lot of the kids in here are calling you a valedictorian. Is that anything like a dirty skank, 'cause if it is I'll kick their plaid butts up and down the sidewalk. Were you named valedictorian?
RORY: Yes, and you know what that means? One more stupid speech that I have to write, that I have no time to write, but nevertheless, I have to write.
LORELAI: Hey, listen, my little Holly Hunter in Broadcast News, I'm gonna let you freak out and study like a mad woman and stress yourself out until finals, but once they're over, we are gonna celebrate big time. . .'cause this is amazing.
RORY: Yeah, it is.
LORELAI: Okay, now go make Mommy nervous.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x21 - Here Comes The Son"} | foreverdreaming |
3.22 - Those are Strings, Pinocchio
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Jamie Babbit
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN TOWN SQUARE
[The troubadour starts playing a song. Lorelai and Rory push past him with large backpacks on their backs]
RORY: Coming through! Heavy packs.
LORELAI: Out of our way, peace boy! No offense, love the song. Carry on. Go.
[Lorelai and Rory walk into Luke's Diner]
LORELAI: Ugh. And wuss patrol, halt.
[they drop their backpacks on the floor]
RORY: I've never known such pain.
LORELAI: We are so not walking around Europe with those annoying things on our backs.
RORY: But we're backpacking through Europe. How're we gonna do this without backpacks?
LORELAI: But all the time we've talked about backpacking, I never actually pictured us with backpacks.
RORY: Well, what were you picturing?
LORELAI: Spry, accommodating European men with neat mustaches trailing after us, carrying our luggage, hailing taxi cabs, constantly reminding us how beautiful we are.
RORY: No, it's just the two of us humping our backpacks around.
LORELAI: Well, at least my new walking shoes are all broken in. If you count broken skin, broken toes.
[Luke walks over]
LUKE: Don't do that.
LORELAI: Don't do what?
LUKE: Don't take your shoes off. This is a restaurant.
LORELAI: I don't see a "No shirt, no shoes, no service" sign.
LUKE: It's right here, don't do that.
RORY: We're in pain, Luke.
LUKE: But it's great that you guys are bearing it so nobly. And can you move these?
RORY: Can? No.
LORELAI: Would if we could? Debatable.
[Luke moves the backpacks out of the way]
LORELAI: Look at that.
RORY: Spry and accommodating.
LORELAI: Hey, would you grow a mustache and follow us around Europe?
LUKE: Sorry, got travel plans of my own.
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: Yup, I'm closing down the diner for a couple of weeks and taking Nicole on a little trip.
RORY: Fun.
LUKE: We're driving through Western Canada and then taking a cruise up to Alaska.
RORY: A cruise?
LORELAI: Intimate.
LUKE: I guess. Is it?
LORELAI: [sings] The Love Boat.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: A cruise is a good spot to get down on one knee.
LUKE: And do my ventriloquist act?
LORELAI: And propose.
LUKE: I have no plans to propose.
LORELAI: You don't now, but after you've had dinner at Captain Stubing's table and Isaac's served you up a couple of mojitos.
RORY: Romantic cruises say commitment, my friend.
LUKE: I am not committing and I am not proposing, so drop it.
LORELAI: Okay, it's dropped.
LUKE: Really drop it.
LORELAI: Did I not just say it's dropped?
RORY: Heard it with my own ears.
LUKE: Thank you.
LORELAI: [sings] The Love Boat.
[Luke gives her a look]
LORELAI: If you'd get a radio in here, I wouldn't have to do that.
LUKE: Okay, so your graduation is Wednesday at four, correct?
RORY: You know, you really don't have to go to it, Luke.
LUKE: I want to. I feel like I've been through this whole Chilton thing with you.
RORY: Okay, good, I want you there.
LUKE: Good. So what do you want?
LORELAI: Are you hungry?
RORY: I'm just sore.
LORELAI: Let's go home and rest.
[they get up and start to leave]
LUKE: Hey, wait, don't leave these.
RORY: Store 'em for us.
LORELAI: Yeah, until we hire a flatbed truck to carry 'em home for us.
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Ugh, my left foot hurts. My right foot hurts. Carry me.
RORY: You carry me.
LORELAI: You carry me.
RORY: No, you carry me.
LORELAI: Come on.
[opening credits]
CUT TO THE DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai and Sookie are standing in the front yard]
SOOKIE: What is taking him so long?
LORELAI: I don't know. Luke, come on!
[Luke walks out of the inn]
LUKE: Oh, geez, I walked right into a cobweb.
LORELAI: Aw, aw. So, uh, what's the shape of the place?
LUKE: It was a really big cobweb.
SOOKIE: Terrible. So what's the story?
LUKE: Is there a spider on me?
LORELAI: Suck it up, big guy, and tell us the scoop.
LUKE: It's not so bad.
SOOKIE: So it's not so good.
LORELAI: Not so bad is not so good.
LUKE: No, really, it's not bad. The floors -
SOOKIE: Are rotted!
LORELAI: I knew it. They need to be replaced.
SOOKIE: It's a disaster.
LUKE: The floors are fine. They need refinishing, but they're really nice quartersawn oak floors.
LORELAI: What about the roof?
LUKE: The roof -
LORELAI: Is sh*t?
SOOKIE: It's caving in.
LORELAI: The walls, too?
SOOKIE: Along with our hopes and dreams.
LUKE: No, the roof is fine. Some shingles need replacing, but that looks like the extent of it.
[Kirk leans out of an upper-story window]
KIRK: Almost done here, folks.
LORELAI: Great, Kirk. You find any mold?
KIRK: You mean, did I find any silent death? Not so far, no.
LORELAI: Good.
KIRK: I did tell you about the dangers of mold, right? And Ed McMahon's dog?
LORELAI: Yes, you did.
KIRK: Suffered memory loss due to mold infestation. Forgot how to sit.
LORELAI: Yes, it was horrible.
KIRK: It's a growth industry right now, pardon the pun. Mold is money. I just wish I wasn't so scared of finding it.
LORELAI: Well, don't look too hard then.
KIRK: Thanks.
LORELAI: So, what's the final prognosis, Luke? We're not buying a money pit, are we?
LUKE: You're gonna spend money, but it's not a pit. Might be a steal.
LORELAI: It's a steal!
SOOKIE: We are such great businesswomen.
LUKE: Once you start work, you can probably have this place up and running in four or five months.
SOOKIE: Which will give the Independence Inn owners plenty of time to find our replacements.
LORELAI: We could be running our own inn in less than a year.
[Kirk runs out of the inn]
KIRK: Oh, ohhh!
LORELAI: What's the matter Kirk? Mold?
KIRK: No, mouse!
CUT TO CHILTON
[Students are in line to record messages for the video yearbook]
STUDENT: We all knew that our education at Chilton would be exemplary, but it was the people at Chilton. All my friends - Hi Marcy, love you. Cody and Debbie, love you, too. The faculty, the administrative staff. Even our janitorial staff - Jaime and Joachim. I can't count the number of times you guys made me laugh. . .
[cut to Rory and Paris in line]
PARIS: Does she need medical attention?
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: Jaime and Joachim aren't even getting a copy of this. She's maroon.
RORY: It's the end of the year, people get nostalgic.
PARIS: So, how's your valedictorian speech coming along?
RORY: Oh, um, it's okay. Pretty standard. Boring. 'We love the school, blah blah blah.' No one listens to those things anyhow, so -
PARIS: Relax, I'm okay with you making valedictorian over me.
RORY: Oh, good, thanks.
PARIS: Sure. I actually googled the personal histories of Ivy League valedictorians going back twenty-five years, and found some enlightening statistics. They don't necessarily do too well in later life, did you know that?
RORY: No.
PARIS: Oh, yeah. A lot of business failures, crumbled marriages, suicides, obesity.
RORY: Okay.
PARIS: A bunch died in car crashes, several did time, one suffocated when his cat fell asleep on his face.
RORY: Okay, well, thanks again.
[Louise and Madeline take their turn in front of the camera]
LOUISE: Okay, A/V geek, just pan my body nice and slow.
A/V GEEK: Why?
MADELINE: Yeah, why?
LOUISE: Because I'll never look better than I do now.
PARIS: Come on ladies, we don't have all day. A/V geek, I'm going to need six minutes.
A/V GEEK: You're only allowed two.
PARIS: Rolling!
A/V GEEK: Rolling.
PARIS: Fellow Chilton seniors, it's been quite a year. . .
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Sookie and Michel are at the front desk.]
MICHEL: I hate this.
SOOKIE: One guest. In the whole inn, one guy.
MICHEL: And I pulled towel duty today. It's especially awful handling guest towels when you know exactly which guests the towels belong to. It's his mites on those towels.
SOOKIE: Don't be gross.
MICHEL: This is degrading for a man of my capabilities.
SOOKIE: Well, what about me? I've got no kitchen. I'm a chef. My skills are deteriorating. I need to sauté, emulsify, marinate.
MICHEL: I need more mental stimulation.
SOOKIE: I need to frickin' fry a d*ad animal in a skillet. I'm going nuts.
MICHEL: I should've been a dancer.
SOOKIE: What?
MICHEL: My mother put me in dance school and I rebelled, I wanted to kick the football. I should not have.
SOOKIE: I've seen you dance and you jump around like a duck.
MICHEL: You know, I'm getting mighty sick of you.
SOOKIE: Not as sick as I am of you.
MICHEL: You know what, you do his towels. I'm not doing his towels anymore.
SOOKIE: I'm not doing his stupid towels. I hate that stupid guy with his stupid newspaper. He's stupid.
[Lorelai walks over]
LORELAI: Yo, guys, no bickering in front of the guest.
SOOKIE: Tell it to Deney Terrio here. I should've been a dancer.
MICHEL: Lorelai, how long can we keep this up?
LORELAI: Keep what up?
MICHEL: We have one guest, half the rooms are still closed from the f*re, most of the staff is laid off, I am doing mite towels, and the owner's son is walking around with a bunch of men in suits.
SOOKIE: Yeah, John's here. That can't be good.
LORELAI: John is here looking things over for the renovation that will reopen all the closed rooms so we can be up and running again. Stop worrying.
MICHEL: Okay.
SOOKIE: Okay.
[Michel and Sookie walk away. The phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers] Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.
EMILY: Lorelai, it's your mother.
LORELAI: Mother, hi.
EMILY: I'm calling to find out how it's going to work at Rory's graduation. Are we going to be sitting together?
LORELAI: Well, hm, hm, hm.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Sorry. Hmm.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Mom, of course we'll be sitting together. We're family.
EMILY: Well, I knew that. I just wasn't sure if you did.
LORELAI: Well, we're sitting together.
EMILY: Good.
LORELAI: Yes, it is.
RICHARD: Ask her about the gift, Emily.
LORELAI: Dad?
EMILY: He's on the other line.
LORELAI: Oh, sure got the quiet thing down there.
RICHARD: I'm on the upstairs portable, but I'm on my way downstairs. I see your mother now. Hello Emily.
EMILY: Hello Richard.
RICHARD: I'm on my way to the couch and am about to sit.
LORELAI: It's like the thrilling day of radio here.
EMILY: We wanted to ask you about a gift for Rory.
RICHARD: It's a big gift, a little extravagant.
EMILY: But it's a big occasion, so it makes sense.
RICHARD: We wanna buy her a car.
LORELAI: Well, I think that's a great idea.
EMILY: Really?
RICHARD: Wonderful.
LORELAI: Yeah, Rory needs to get back and forth from Yale a lot, and the quicker she can do it, the more I get to see her, so it's really kind of a present for me, too.
RICHARD: Yes, right.
EMILY: I suppose so.
RICHARD: Didn't think of that.
LORELAI: Just not a gas guzzler. And no Ferrari's or Lamborghini's.
RICHARD: So nothing Italian?
LORELAI: No, it can be Italian, just sensible Italian.
RICHARD: All right, well, good.
EMILY: I'm glad we had this settled.
LORELAI: Good. Well, maybe I'll see you at the graduation, maybe I won't.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: See you there. Bye.
RICHARD: Goodbye.
EMILY: Bye.
[they hang up. A man walks over to the front desk]
LORELAI: Hey, you and your Armani posse want something to drink, John?
JOHN: No, no, Lorelai. We're fine, thanks.
LORELAI: Okay. So, I've been lying to people about you all day.
JOHN: About what?
LORELAI: Oh, about how it's not a big deal that you're walking around with a concerned look on your face with a group of men with concerned looks on their faces. I think I've been lying to me a little, too.
JOHN: We have to close off three more rooms.
LORELAI: Three rooms? That'll leave us with two.
JOHN: And, uh, the estimate for the repairs to get everything back to the quality we had and up to code. . .it's not pretty.
LORELAI: No, that's not pretty.
JOHN: Mom's leaning toward selling.
LORELAI: Selling.
JOHN: Nothing's final yet.
LORELAI: Yeah, nothing's final. I just. . .Rory grew up here. I grew up here.
JOHN: Yeah, I better get back to my group.
LORELAI: Right, sure, you go. Hey, be careful not to trip over our guest.
JOHN: I won't.
CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE
[Sookie and Jackson are watching television. There's a knock at the front door.]
LORELAI: [calls from outside] Sookie, Jackson, you better not be in bed.
JACKSON: Are you expecting Lorelai?
SOOKIE: No.
LORELAI: [calls] Come on. The night is young and the champagne's cold.
SOOKIE: The champagne?
[they answer the door]
LORELAI: Surprise!
SOOKIE: What is this?
LORELAI: It's a celebration.
SOOKIE: For what?
LORELAI: Sookie, get some glasses, and Jackson, put some music on. Whatever you want, just make it festive.
JACKSON: Got it.
SOOKIE: I don't know what this is, but it's fun.
JACKSON: Let's see. I've got Creedence Clearwater Revival.
LORELAI: Good energy, too hillbilly.
JACKSON: Okay.
LORELAI: How you coming with those glasses, Sook?
SOOKIE: Just wiping off the fancy ones.
JACKSON: Huey Lewis and the News? It's Sookie's.
SOOKIE: Hey, we all have our guilty pleasures.
JACKSON: Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass?
LORELAI: Ah, fun, festive, that's perfect! Crank it. Okay, I've got some cold Dom for me and Jackson.
JACKSON: Happens to be my brand.
SOOKIE: Oh, I love this song.
LORELAI: And, uh, for Sookie and little baby, uh, whatever-it-is, we've got the, uh, apple bubbly stuff. And cheers.
JACKSON/SOOKIE: Cheers!
SOOKIE: Well, come on, what are we celebrating?
LORELAI: Well, you ready?
SOOKIE: Yeah.
JACKSON: Definitely!
LORELAI: The Independence Inn is closing.
JACKSON: Yay!
SOOKIE: Yay! The inn is closing.
LORELAI: Not closing, closed. We're finished. It's all over. They're boarding the place up as we speak. Who wants more?
JACKSON: Well, did they find some gold in the basement or something 'cause I'm missing the celebrating angle.
LORELAI: You should always celebrate new challenges, and that's what this is.
SOOKIE: A new challenge.
LORELAI: Yes. They'll be some severance pay, then nothing.
SOOKIE: Nothing!
LORELAI: Nothing but exciting new challenges. Cheers!
SOOKIE: The inn is closed.
JACKSON: Well, I guess this means that you guys can focus solely on refurbishing the Dragonfly, getting that up and running. That's exciting.
SOOKIE: Yes, it is.
LORELAI: Yeah, I agree. But just drink some more. How're you feeling?
SOOKIE: A little drunk, and all I'm drinking is apple juice.
LORELAI: Well, good, 'cause I've got another little piece of news for you. We can't buy the Dragonfly because I can't swing my share of the money because I no longer have a steady income.
JACKSON: Wow, that is great.
SOOKIE: I'm sorry, was that an exciting challenge too?
LORELAI: Absolutely. Yesterday our lives were boring and predictable. We had jobs, we were gonna start our own business. But now everything is wide open. We can do anything we want because we're not penned in. That's good.
SOOKIE: Yes, that's good. And thinking of those new challenges is a nice way to distract me from the fact that we don't work together anymore so we're gonna see way less of each other.
LORELAI: Which will make our limited time together more enjoyable.
JACKSON: Right. And since I'm your vegetable supplier, I'm losing work, and seeing my wife and close friend way less than before.
LORELAI: Cheers!
CUT TO TOWN MEETING
[Taylor is at the podium in front of a bored-looking group of townspeople]
TAYLOR: That would convert it into a town bylaw, a minor but nonetheless important change from local ordinance, giving us the leeway to enforce charter amendments five and six and grandfathering in previously proposed statutes with no procedural delay. So all those in favor of going ahead of this, say aye.
[silence]
TAYLOR: All those opposed?
[silence]
TAYLOR: People, what's going on? People!
MISS PATTY: Oh, sorry, Taylor.
TAYLOR: What is the matter with you?
LUKE: I think it might be the first time sixty people lost their train of thought all at the same time.
BABETTE: Yeah, Taylor, your voice always makes me think of my grocery list. We need croutons.
MOREY: Got it.
TAYLOR: Moving on. Now, people, I know it's an unpleasant subject, but the deer population in this town is reaching monstrous proportions.
GYPSY: Not this again.
MISS PATTY: He's always going on about the deer.
LUKE: Leave 'em alone, Taylor.
TAYLOR: But they're taking over the town. We need to institute partial elimination.
MOREY: Partial elimination?
GYPSY: You wanna k*ll the little romping Bambi's?
TAYLOR: People, do I have to detail the problems that these deer cause?
LUKE: No, but you will.
TAYLOR: Lyme disease, auto accidents, plane accidents.
LUKE: We have flying deer?
MISS PATTY: Oh, that's scary.
BABETTE: Yeah. Those ones you can snuff.
TAYLOR: But the worst problem is the crop loss. Dean, hand me the blow-up please.
GYPSY: Hey, Dean, he's paying you for all this, right?
DEAN: Yeah.
KIRK: Really, how much?
TAYLOR: People, this is a randomly chosen but typical landscaped area in the town that was denuded by these ruminant pests.
GYPSY: Randomly chosen?
LUKE: Taylor, that's your backyard.
MISS PATTY: This is a little self-serving.
TAYLOR: It might be my yard. Uh. . .
BABETTE: Might be? Taylor, no one else has a "Kiss the Gardener" sign.
MOREY: This is a trumped up problem.
TAYLOR: So none of you are interested in addressing this scourge?
KIRK: I have a thought.
TAYLOR: Go ahead, Kirk.
KIRK: A controlled hunt.
BABETTE: g*n?
KIRK: Not g*n, wolves.
LUKE: What?
KIRK: You release a pack of wolves, they eat the deer, problem solved. Of course, then you'll have to deal with your wolf problem.
MISS PATTY: I say that we defer this unsavory topic for another year.
TAYLOR: Now wait a minute.
MISS PATTY: All those in favor?
EVERYONE: Aye!
MISS PATTY: Taylor's opposed. Meeting adjourned.
[People get up to leave. Rory walks in the back door]
RORY: I missed the whole thing?
LANE: Yes, and I'm still semi-grounded, so I only have a limited amount of time in the outside world.
RORY: Well, hurry and show me your prom pictures.
LANE: [picks up a large bag] These are them.
RORY: Lane, how many did you take?
LANE: Three hundred. I'll leave them with you, they're pretty self explanatory.
RORY: What's this?
LANE: Our chicken piccata.
RORY: Ah, and this?
LANE: Our chicken piccata after one bite.
RORY: So, don't tell me, two bites?
LANE: Yup.
RORY: Okay, I think I can follow this.
LANE: Gotta run. Keep 'em in order.
RORY: I will.
[Lane leaves. Rory walks over to Dean, who is cleaning up at the front of the room]
RORY: Hi.
DEAN: Hi.
RORY: Taylor's paying you to do all this work, isn't he?
DEAN: He knows I need money, so he's helping me out with extra stuff to do. He's a good guy.
RORY: Yeah, he is a good guy. A very good guy. So how are the old wedding plans?
DEAN: They're fine.
RORY: You know, my mom's held about a million weddings at the inn and I've worked on a lot of them, so I'm a fountain of useful tips.
DEAN: Good.
RORY: For instance, your photographer, have him take candid photographs along with the other ones, so that way you'll capture a lot of your favorite moments and you won't be stuck with just the stiff, you know, posed sh*ts.
DEAN: Candid, okay.
RORY: And if the ring bearer is younger than five years-old.
DEAN: My nephew, he's three.
RORY: Don't give him the ring until the last second because I have seen many a ring swallowed, and well, it takes a couple days to get it back.
DEAN: Good point. It's actually been kind of overwhelming. I mean, you have to rent the hall like a year in advance.
RORY: And make sure that your deposit is refundable as long as you can.
DEAN: Yeah, it is. And then there's a lot of stuff that we have to buy, too, for our place.
RORY: Oh yeah, about that. Come on, sit.
[they sit down and Rory hands him a shopping catalog]
DEAN: What's this?
RORY: Your wedding gift.
DEAN: What?
RORY: You can get anything you want, but I've marked a bunch of pages with stuff that I think would be most appropriate, and I just wanted to get in early so I'd be the first one to get you a blender, not the third one.
DEAN: You don't have to do this.
RORY: I know. That's why it's fun.
DEAN: This has everything.
RORY: I'd recommend the mixing bowls, those are really nice. Or a Kn*fe set and a sharpener. Sharpening's very important. I learned that from Sookie. If you leave 'em too long, it's too late. Respect your knives.
DEAN: Thanks, Rory.
RORY: You're welcome. So just look through it with Lindsay and pick out what you want and I'll order it.
DEAN: I will.
RORY: Bye, Dean.
DEAN: Bye, Rory.
CUT TO LORELAI'S LIVING ROOM
[Rory is trying on her graduation dress for Sookie and Lorelai]
SOOKIE: Maybe we should bring it in a bit more.
RORY: Oh sure, but first we'll have to use a medieval t*rture instrument to crush my ribs and flatten my spinal cord in order to accommodate your sadistic wish there.
LORELAI: Don't use subtlety on us. We're slow.
SOOKIE: I think she's saying that we don't need to bring it in anymore.
LORELAI: Take it off, you're done.
SOOKIE: Ugh, I should go. I've got a stupid job interview tomorrow morning, and you know what, I'm nervous.
LORELAI: Which place?
SOOKIE: Harrington's in Woodbridge.
LORELAI: Nice.
SOOKIE: They want me to be their executive chef four nights a week. God, I can't imagine working someplace else. And without my Lorelai!
RORY: But it's only a few months until the Dragonfly opens, right?
SOOKIE: Uh. . .you haven't told her yet.
RORY: Told me what?
LORELAI: I was waiting for an opportunity.
RORY: To tell me what?
LORELAI: Which apparently is right now. Okay, um, hon, listen. We, um. . .we're not buying the Dragonfly.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: It's just not the right time.
RORY: You're crazy. It's the perfect time.
LORELAI: Not really.
RORY: But if you wait, someone else is gonna buy it. You said so yourself.
SOOKIE: I'm gonna go, guys. Sorry to spill the beans.
LORELAI: That's okay. I'll see you later.
[Sookie leaves]
RORY: Mom, why put it off? I mean, I know the Independence Inn closing is a setback.
LORELAI: Big one.
RORY: But we've got the rest of Grandpa's money, that's plenty to buy the Dragonfly Inn, and we'll just scrimp on everything until it's all up and running and successful.
LORELAI: It would take a lot of scrimping.
RORY: Well, I'm a master scrimper. I would make the Olympic scrimping team. I'm that good, boy.
LORELAI: Honey, we didn't get financial aid for Yale.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: No scholarships, no hardship money, no money-off coupons, no gift certificates, nothing.
RORY: I don't understand, what happened?
LORELAI: Well, irony of ironies, the money I got from your grandpa took us out of the running for financial aid 'cause it made it look like we have money.
RORY: Well, send them proof - a bank statement, a letter from Grandpa. Here, take a picture of this couch - no one will think we have money after looking at this couch.
LORELAI: I tried everything, I swear.
RORY: Why didn't you tell me this?
LORELAI: With everything that's going on, finals and all your personal stuff, I didn't want you worrying.
RORY: But Grandpa's money -
LORELAI: Is paying for Yale.
RORY: No! No way!
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: I'll take a student loan out from the bank. That's what banks are for.
LORELAI: Honey, I don't want you to be buried by loans the day you graduate from college.
RORY: Well, then I'll major in something that'll immediately make me a lot of money when I graduate. I'll major in business or engineering.
LORELAI: You are not changing your major from journalism because of my lack of money.
RORY: It's our lack.
LORELAI: Look, if you need to work as a low-paid intern for a magazine or a stringer for some small-town newspaper or Tom Brokaw's toupee comber-outer before you make real money, then that's what you'll do.
RORY: There has to be another way.
LORELAI: I've looked. There's nothing.
RORY: This is so not fair to you.
LORELAI: I'll have my own inn one day, I promise. But Yale comes first.
[Rory starts walking to her bedroom]
LORELAI: What are you gonna do now?
RORY: Rail at God for awhile.
LORELAI: Tell her I said hi.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is in the living room, which is cluttered with clothes and other stuff to pack for their trip]
LORELAI: Hey, what happened to our packing elves who were gonna pack our packs over night?
[Rory walks into the room holding a black sweater]
RORY: How about this?
LORELAI: You hate the dress I made you that much?
RORY: Not for graduation, for Europe.
LORELAI: Oh, it's perfect. It's black so it won't show dirt or wrinkles, and if you wear it with a moody look on your face like you're thinking of Bolsheviks, they'll mistake you for Simone de Beauvoir. Pack it.
RORY: It's too heavy.
LORELAI: So, was that a trick question?
RORY: We both need to cut weight from our packs.
LORELAI: I am doing my part here.
RORY: Well, you don't need five pairs of boots.
LORELAI: I'll drop some boots if you drop some books.
RORY: I can't drop books.
LORELAI: You can't bring twelve books.
RORY: You also need to cut your undergarments. Don't forget, we'll rinse in Woolite every few days.
LORELAI: This is going to an uncomfortable place.
RORY: And your toothpaste - you have three full tubes.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: Why three?
LORELAI: If I lose one, I'll have another to take its place.
RORY: If you're bringing three tubes of toothpaste, I am bringing twelve books plus a dictionary.
LORELAI: Then I'm bringing a gallon of mercury which is one of the densest and heaviest substances known to man.
RORY: I think the writing's on the wall here.
LORELAI: Cancel Europe.
RORY: I've gotta run. I love my graduation dress.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: Hey, it's a shame about Europe being canceled, huh?
LORELAI: That's okay. It's not supposed to be that great anyway, except for the cheese.
RORY: Nine books for two toothpastes.
LORELAI: Deal.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings. Emily and Richard walk toward the door]
RICHARD: Who is it, Emily?
EMILY: I don't know, Richard. My x-ray vision isn't working at the moment.
RICHARD: I was wondering if you were expecting somebody.
EMILY: I wasn't expecting anybody.
[They open the door. Rory is on the porch]
EMILY: Rory.
RORY: Hey Grandma, hey Grandpa.
RICHARD: What brings you here on this busy day?
RORY: I have sort of a time-sensitive issue I need to talk to you about.
RICHARD: Time sensitive. Well, come in, come in.
[they walk to the living room]
EMILY: We were just getting ready for your ceremony.
RICHARD: And I was just retying my tie for the third time. No matter how many times I tie a tie, there's always room for error.
RORY: It's not an exact science, is it?
RICHARD: Nor an art form. It's pretty much nothing.
RORY: Sit down, please.
RICHARD: Okay.
EMILY: All right. Should we be nervous?
RORY: No, you shouldn't be. I am a little.
RICHARD: Well, what is it?
RORY: I need money.
RICHARD: You need money.
RORY: For Yale.
RICHARD: You need money for Yale.
EMILY: Stop repeating everything she says.
RICHARD: I'm sorry, I'm processing.
RORY: Look, it's a long story, but no other financing came through and all of the other options that Mom and I have are just. . .well, not good enough. So here's the offer - I would like for you to loan me the money for four years at Yale, and in return I will get a part time job and pay you in installments. I will continue this payment schedule after graduation increasing the payment amounts in proportion to my income. Plus, I will reinstate Friday night dinners with me. Every Friday night, I will be here, seven o'clock on the dot.
EMILY: Well, how wonderful.
RICHARD: We've missed you, Rory.
RORY: I've missed you, too. So this should work out for everyone, right?
EMILY: Absolutely. We're happy to do it.
RICHARD: Not so fast.
EMILY: Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, I'm happy to pay for Yale, but I don't want it to be a loan.
RORY: No, I don't want that. I want it to be a loan, because otherwise it's too easy.
RICHARD: Well, then here's my counteroffer. Let's make it a loan, but I insist that you not start paying it back until at least five years after you graduate. Seven years if you go for your Master's.
RORY: That sounds fair, but I should pay interest.
RICHARD: No.
RORY: Grandpa.
RICHARD: You are not going to pay me interest on this money, no way. That's a deal breaker.
RORY: Okay.
RICHARD: Good.
EMILY: Wonderful.
RICHARD: We have a deal. Listen, if journalism doesn't work out, you might consider working for me after you graduate. You've got good deal-making skills. Eye of the tiger.
RORY: I'll keep that in mind. Well, I should go.
EMILY: Rory, does your mother know you're here?
RORY: No. This is my thing. I'll see you at the ceremony.
CUT TO CHILTON COURTYARD
[Lorelai and Sookie walk to the seating area]
SOOKIE: Where do you wanna sit?
LORELAI: Is there no special designated area for family and friends of the valedictorian?
SOOKIE: Like a skybox or a velvet rope on one of the rows.
LORELAI: We're the Chilton equivalent of 50 Cent's posse. Where are the boys?
SOOKIE: Over there. [points to Luke and Jackson standing by the building]
LORELAI: They're doing that thing guys do around fancy buildings.
SOOKIE: Talk about their construction.
LORELAI: The insurance costs.
SOOKIE: Hey guys, get over here.
LORELAI: Here's a row. Let me see, how many seats do we need? Uh, you, me, Luke, Jackson.
SOOKIE: That's four.
LORELAI: Plus Picklepuss and Sauerkraut.
SOOKIE: Your parents make six.
JACKSON: These stones have to be carved by hand.
LUKE: Without the tools we have now. No electricity.
JACKSON: Just pulleys and fulcrums.
SOOKIE: Hey, Bob Vila, take a seat.
LORELAI: Okay, we have to vow not to make fun of any of the kids because inevitably their family will be sitting right behind us just like at the play.
SOOKIE: Right. Ugh, the big-eared Romeo fiasco of '98. Gotcha.
[Lorelai's pager goes off]
SOOKIE: Who's paging you?
LORELAI: Uh, maybe there's a special surprise party for the valedictorian's mom backstage before the ceremony.
SOOKIE: I bet there is.
LORELAI: I'll be right back. Wow, look at the gargoyles.
LUKE: What? Wow, yeah.
JACKSON: Oh, now those have to be imported from Europe.
LUKE: The insurance on this place must be astronomical.
CUT TO INSIDE CHILTON
[In the crowded cafeteria, Paris walks over to her Nanny and three young children]
PARIS: Nanny, you brought the kids! Você trouxe as crianças.
KIDS: Paris!
PARIS: Ah, minha queride Elzira, Catarina. E olindo Enrique, Antonio Banderas.
[Lorelai walks up to a student]
LORELAI: Oh, excuse me. Hi, I'm looking for Rory Gilmore. She's the valedictorian. I'm her mom.
[Rory walks over]
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Uh, no, wait, go away. I wanna tell a bunch of other people that I'm the valedictorian's mom and I'm looking for you.
RORY: I've got good news I wanna tell you real quick. Come here.
[they walk into the hallway]
RORY: Okay, you ready?
LORELAI: I hope so, ready for what?
RORY: You're getting your inn.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Go put in the bid on the Dragonfly. You've got the money now, Grandpa's money.
LORELAI: What are you talking about? How do I have money?
RORY: Grandma and Grandpa are paying for Yale.
LORELAI: Now wait a minute.
RORY: I explained the situation, they totally understand, and they're loaning me the money for Yale.
LORELAI: When did they approach you about this?
RORY: They didn't. I approached them.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: I just left them now. It's a done deal, so go make the call, put in the bid, before someone else does.
LORELAI: Rory, honey, do you understand, the Gilmores do nothing altruistically. Strings are attached to everything.
RORY: There are no strings.
LORELAI: No strings?
RORY: No. I just have to pay them back starting five years after I graduate, and I have to start going back for Friday night dinners.
LORELAI: Um, hello, Pinocchio, those are strings.
RORY: But it was my idea to resume the dinners, and I obligated just me. You are in no way apart of it.
LORELAI: This can't happen, Rory.
RORY: I don't want you to defer your dream.
LORELAI: You shouldn't have done this behind my back.
RORY: Mom, Yale is my thing. I needed financing, I got it.
LORELAI: Oh, those people, those master manipulators.
RORY: Mom, this was my idea. I'm manipulating you.
LORELAI: They are manipulating you to manipulate me.
RORY: How are they doing that?
LORELAI: Rory, don't you see? If you go to Friday night dinners, Mom knows I'll go to just to be with you.
RORY: She wasn't thinking that.
LORELAI: They're getting exactly what they want.
RORY: Don't you see? We're all getting exactly what we want. It's a win-win-win situation.
LORELAI: It's not.
RORY: It is.
LORELAI: Okay, maybe, maybe it is. But just once, just once, I want you to get exactly what you want, and me to get exactly what I want, and them to get nothing.
RORY: Well, we'll see if we can't arrange that sometime. But the ceremony's about to start, I better get back out there. And go buy that inn!
CUT TO CHILTON COURTYARD
[Lorelai walks outside and finds Emily and Richard sitting by themselves]
LORELAI: Hi.
EMILY: Hello.
RICHARD: Oh, hi.
LORELAI: Uh, didn't you see Sookie? We've got seats all saved.
EMILY: Yes, but we didn't know if the whole seating issue had been resolved.
LORELAI: Well, it was. Come on.
RICHARD: Well, I don't remember it being fully resolved either.
LORELAI: Well, it was. Come on.
EMILY: We didn't know if you'd changed your mind.
LORELAI: Well, I didn't. Come on.
RICHARD: It wasn't crystal clear.
LORELAI: Fine, just stay there.
EMILY: You're not serious.
LORELAI: Ah.
[They walk over to the saved seats]
LORELAI: Uh, Mom, Dad, you've met everyone here. Sookie, Jackson, Luke.
RICHARD: Hello.
JACKSON: Hi.
SOOKIE: Hi.
LUKE: How ya doing?
RICHARD: No, uh. . .no Christopher?
LORELAI: Uh, no, he's out of town, but he's having us tons of pictures and order him the official video and we may even come back and reenact the whole thing when he gets home. Now sit, relax.
[they sit down]
LORELAI: [quietly to Sookie] Sookie, long story short, and a partially painful story at that, and hang onto your hat, but we can now put a bid in on the Dragonfly.
SOOKIE: What? Are you kidding?
LORELAI: No.
SOOKIE: How? What happened?
LORELAI: I can't go into it now.
SOOKIE: Okay, I've gotta tell you, even with the champagne and the Herb Albert, I've been depressed for days. I couldn't watch the Dating Game anymore.
LORELAI: Well, that's all changed now.
SOOKIE: I'll go call the attorney. You sit back and relax and enjoy the graduation.
[Sookie pushes past the people in the row]
SOOKIE: This will not happen again, promise.
[Lorelai notices an empty chair between her and her parents]
LORELAI: Uh, you're gonna have to move over one more chair to be part of the group, guys.
EMILY: Oh, I thought maybe someone else was coming.
LORELAI: No.
RICHARD: You sure?
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY: Because if there is, it would be awkward to move during the ceremony.
LORELAI: Yes, I know what awkward is.
[Emily and Richard move over; Emily sighs.]
LORELAI: What Mom?
EMILY: Nothing. That man in front of me is extraordinarily tall, don't you think?
CUT TO THE CEREMONY STARTING
[The students file out of the school and take their seats. As Rory and Paris sit down, Paris waves to her Nanny and the kids]
PARIS: [to Rory] The middle one, Catarina, she bowled a 143 last week.
RORY: Impressive.
[Sookie pushes past several people in the row to get back to her chair]
SOOKIE: Sorry. I was here before a lot of you, it just looks like I'm late. Appearances can be deceiving. So sorry. [to Lorelai] Real estate agent wasn't in, so I left a message.
LORELAI: Rats.
SOOKIE: Did Rory walk in?
LORELAI: Yeah, first row. Right in front of the kid with the humongous. . .uh, the really cute kid.
SOOKIE: Darn, I wanted to get a picture of her walking in. I'll get some of her in her seat.
[Sookie pushes past the row of people again]
SOOKIE: Excuse me. Sorry. I'm not, I'm not like this. Today I am. I'm with the valedictorian, so. . .
HEADMASTER: Invited guests, fellow faculty, honored attendees and students, welcome to the Chilton Academy graduating class ceremony of 2003. [applause] This year's class is a distinguished assemblage, equal to or surpassing what has proceeded it. In its 200-year history, Chilton has not failed to produce a class that brings only honor to these grounds and to the academy's fine traditions. To begin, I would like to invite the student body president Paris Gellar to lead us in the Pledge of Allegiance. Paris?
PARIS: [to Rory] As his parting sh*t to me, Charleston never responded to the three aspects of the pledge that I had an objection to and considered rewriting. That's not going to stop me from using air quotes.
[cut to later in the ceremony]
BRAD: [at podium] Through good times and bad, Chilton formed us, brought us hope, honed our insight, gave us encouragement. Though my time here was briefly interrupted by my period spent on Broadway hanging out with Stephen Sondheim, I still consider Chilton the most rewarding experience of my young life. Now it had always been my plan in closing to recite a short poem I'd written.
LOUISE: But you reconsidered.
MADELINE: Come on, Brad. Go out a winner.
BRAD: But as I read it aloud, I realized the sentiments I wanted to share with my fellow students were better expressed in a favorite song of mine. [sings] Cherish is the word I use to describe. . .bong, bong. Bong, bong.
RORY: Oh, Brad.
BRAD: All the feelings that I have hiding here for you inside, bong, bong, bong. You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you. . .
[cut to later in the ceremony]
HEADMASTER: It's a distinct pleasure for me to introduce to you our valedictorian. This young lady was a second-year transfer from a modest school where she distinguished herself immeasurably. She is humble, hard working, competitive when need be, and unparalleled in her academic achievements. Ladies and Gentlemen, Rory Gilmore.
[applause; Rory walks up on stage]
SOOKIE: Not crying, right?
LORELAI: Not crying. Keeping our cool so we don't miss anything.
SOOKIE: Tears get in your eyes.
LORELAI: Then you miss things.
SOOKIE: So we're not crying.
LORELAI: Not crying.
SOOKIE: Not crying.
JACKSON: Not crying. Not crying.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: No crying.
LUKE: I'm not crying.
RORY: Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes, and seconds, and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who have been my mentors - so many people who have shaped my life and my fellow students' lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore.
SOOKIE: Uh oh.
LORELAI: Hang in there.
RORY: My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her.
SOOKIE: Not crying.
LORELAI: Crying a little.
SOOKIE: Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying, no blubbering.
RORY: Thank you, Mom. You are my guidepost for everything.
SOOKIE: On the verge of blubbering here.
JACKSON: Not doing too well myself.
LORELAI: Not you, too.
LUKE: I'm blubbering, you're freaks.
RORY: As we prepare ourselves today to leave. . .
CUT TO LATER IN THE CEREMONY
[Rory and Paris are in line for their diplomas]
ANNOUNCER: Allegra Grace Fass.
PARIS: I swear, I do not recognize half of these people. [to girl in front of her] Hey. What's your name, what's your story?
[cut to the audience]
EMILY: Where is she, do you see her?
LORELAI: She's the one in the robe.
EMILY: Lorelai, please.
LORELAI: She's lost in a sea of blue polyester, Mom. I couldn't point her out if I wanted to.
JACKSON: Richard, how much to insure all this?
RICHARD: Well, the insurance is probably not prohibitive, but the deductibles would be enormous. Well into six figures.
LUKE: Six figures?
JACKSON: That's like having no insurance at all.
LUKE: So if there was a f*re -
LORELAI: Guys, please stop assessing the value of the building and pay attention. Rory's coming up.
RICHARD: Ooh, ooh, sorry.
SOOKIE: I wanna get a closer sh*t of her getting her diploma.
[Sookie pushes past several people in the row]
SOOKIE: Ooh, sorry, sorry, I suck, I'm sorry.
ANNOUNCER: Paris Eustace Gellar.
PARIS: Finally, a name I recognize.
[Paris walks on stage and receives her diploma]
HEADMASTER: Congratulations, Paris.
PARIS: No hard feelings.
HEADMASTER: Okay.
ANNOUNCER: Lorelai Leigh Gilmore.
LORELAI: This is it.
EMILY: She looks so solemn.
RICHARD: Like a Gilmore.
[Rory walks on stage and receives her diploma]
HEADMASTER: Congratulations, Rory.
RORY: Thank you, Headmaster.
ANNOUNCER: Diana Christine Godby.
[As Rory walks across the stage, she and Lorelai make faces at each other]
EMILY: Lorelai, really.
LORELAI: I taught her everything I know.
[Sookie returns to her seat]
SOOKIE: Honest to God, last time. Sorry. [she sits down and whispers something to Lorelai]
LORELAI: Oh my God. Uh, uh, I, I need a pen. I don't have a pen. Luke, give me your pen.
LUKE: I don't have a pen.
LORELAI: Where's the pen you take orders with?
LUKE: You have got to stop assuming that I take pens with me everywhere I go.
RICHARD: [handing Lorelai a pen] Never be without a pen.
LORELAI: Thank you, Dad.
[Lorelai writes "We got the inn!" on the graduation program and holds it up to show Rory. They smile and make faces at each other.]
EMILY: Really, Lorelai, how many more times are you gonna do that?
LORELAI: I think about six.
[cut to later in the ceremony]
HEADMASTER: Class of 2003, give yourself a hand!
[applause]
CUT TO THE COURTYARD
[Rory walks over to Lorelai and Luke]
RORY: How was my speech?
LORELAI: It made everyone cry, including stone cold Luke.
RORY: Luke, you old softy.
LUKE: I will never live this down.
LORELAI: Not with me in your life.
LUKE: I gotta go, I gotta get back to the diner.
RORY: Thanks for coming, Luke.
LUKE: Oh, sure. The building's amazing. So are you.
RORY: Thanks.
[Rory walks away]
LORELAI: It really was great of you to come, Luke. It meant a lot to her.
LUKE: It was fun.
LORELAI: So if I don't see you, have fun on your trip with Nicole.
LUKE: Oh, we may not go now.
LORELAI: What? You were really looking forward to it.
LUKE: I don't know if the timing's right and. . .things are kinda weird right now.
LORELAI: Oh no.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It's because I teased you about the commitment thing and proposing. I ruined it.
LUKE: No, that's not it.
LORELAI: Please, promise me that's not it. It would break my heart.
LUKE: But you weren't wrong about that. It got me thinking and it is kind of like committing to her.
LORELAI: So?
LUKE: I don't wanna lead her on.
LORELAI: But you like her, Luke. You like her a lot, don't you?
LUKE: Yeah, she's great.
LORELAI: Then go. No matter what she's reading into it.
LUKE: Really? You think that's okay considering. . .I don't know. . .everything?
LORELAI: Yeah, I do.
LUKE: Oh, okay. I'll probably go then.
LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: I guess I was just nervous about nothing.
LORELAI: That's what I think, too.
LUKE: I'll see ya in a couple months.
LORELAI: Yeah, I'll see you then.
[Paris walks up to Rory]
PARIS: I guess we should say our goodbyes. Nanny made me a special dinner. She makes a mean farturas.
RORY: Well, good, I'm glad you found me. I wanted to say goodbye, too.
PARIS: Good. Well, good luck.
RORY: You know, it's weird, most of the time I really hated you.
PARIS: Yeah, I really hated you, too.
[They hug. Paris walks away. Lorelai, Emily, and Richard walk over]
LORELAI: Hey.
RICHARD: Well, I think it might be time to present Rory with her graduation gift.
RORY: Oh, you guys didn't have to get me anything.
EMILY: Nonsense.
RICHARD: Uh, this one wouldn't fit in an envelope, so follow me please.
EMILY: We're really excited about this one.
LORELAI: So am I.
EMILY: Good.
[they walk toward the parking lot]
RICHARD: Rory, there is your gift. It's the one with the bow.
RORY: Um, Grandpa.
EMILY: Richard.
[the parking lot is filled with cars with bows on them]
RICHARD: Oh, for Pete's sake. Well, it was the only one there when I drove it up.
EMILY: You should've put a more distinctive bow on it.
RICHARD: Well, how was I supposed to know that every kid at Chilton was getting a car?
RORY: You got me a car?
RICHARD: We got you a car.
RORY: That's amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Which one is it?
LORELAI: Or did you get her one for every day of the week like the underwear?
RICHARD: We got her one car. It's a little Prius. It's safe, it gets great gas mileage.
EMILY: And it's the one that Leonardo DiCaprio drives.
RORY: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you guys.
EMILY: We love you, too.
RICHARD: And don't forget to call about -
RORY: Insurance. I'll do it the second I get home.
RICHARD: Good. Congratulations, Rory. And thank you for your speech.
RORY: You're welcome. I meant it, thank you for everything.
EMILY: Have fun in Europe. Both of you.
LORELAI: Thank you, Mom.
EMILY: When do you get back?
LORELAI: The 27th.
EMILY: Terrific. We'll see you that Friday for dinner.
[Emily and Richard leave. Lorelai and Rory walk back toward the school building]
LORELAI: Explain the win-win-win thing again.
RORY: Everybody wins, that's what it is.
LORELAI: Hm.
[Rory's cell phone rings]
RORY: Hello? Hello?
LORELAI: A hang up?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: You're getting a lot of those lately.
[phone rings again]
RORY: Hello? Hello?
[Lorelai waits outside as Rory takes the phone into the school]
RORY: Jess, is that you? Jess, I'm pretty sure it's you and I'm pretty sure you've been calling and not saying anything but wanna say something. Hello? You're not going to talk? Fine, I'll talk. You didn't handle things right at all. You could've talked to me. You could've told me that you were having trouble in school and weren't going to graduate, and that your dad had been there, but you didn't. And you ended up not taking me to my prom and not coming to my graduation and leaving again without saying goodbye again, and that's fine, I get it, but that's it for me. I'm going to Europe tomorrow and I'm going to Yale and I'm moving on. And I'm not going to pine. I hope you didn't think I was going to pine, okay? I think. . .I think I may have loved you, but I just need to let it go. So, that's it, I guess. Um, I hope you're good. I want you to be good, and, um, okay, so, goodbye. That word sounds really lame and stupid right now, but there it is. Goodbye.
[Rory hangs up; in California, Jess hangs up a payphone and walks down the street]
[Lorelai walks into the school]
LORELAI: Hey. You okay?
RORY: I'm okay.
LORELAI: Come on.
RORY: But Sookie and Jackson are out that way.
LORELAI: I wanna go back a different way, come on.
RORY: I thought we were going home.
LORELAI: I just wanna make one more stop before we do.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is cleaning up the tables as Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey, Luke.
LUKE: Lorelai, hi. Where's Rory?
LORELAI: Oh, out in the car.
LUKE: Oh. It was a really nice ceremony, wasn't it?
LORELAI: Yeah, it was beautiful.
LUKE: What's up?
LORELAI: I just wanted to say something to you in case we don't see each other before you go on your trip.
LUKE: Sure, what?
LORELAI: Don't get engaged.
LUKE: What, why?
[Lorelai turns to leave]
LUKE: Lorelai?
[Lorelai leaves the diner as Luke stares after her]
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke wakes up from his dream]
CUT TO CHILTON
[Lorelai and Rory rush down a hallway]
RORY: Mom, wait.
LORELAI: Hurry, hurry.
RORY: This outfit produces a lot of wind resistance.
[they stop at the bottom of the staircase]
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: What are we doing?
LORELAI: Leaving our mark. Got a Kn*fe?
RORY: A Kn*fe? For what?
LORELAI: Carving our initials. Come on, Kn*fe, Kn*fe.
RORY: Uh, like the switchblade I keep in my sock? No, I left it at home.
LORELAI: I must have something in here. [looks through her purse] Ah, safety pin, perfect.
RORY: We can't do this.
LORELAI: Yes, we can. People need to know we were here.
RORY: I'm in the yearbook.
LORELAI: How about the wall?
RORY: No, that's too out in the open. They'll trace it back to us.
LORELAI: They'll see LG and RG and figure out it was us?
RORY: They're are no dorks here.
LORELAI: Somewhere in the floor?
RORY: This marble is two hundred years old. Harriet Beecher Stowe walked on this marble.
LORELAI: Oh, the banister.
RORY: Was donated by Robert Frost.
LORELAI: The sconce.
RORY: Was ceremonially lit for the first time by Thomas Edison.
LORELAI: Geez, is there anything in this whole room that some famous d*ad person didn't have something to do with.
[they hear some people walking by]
LORELAI: Ooh, cool it, cool it. And this is some very interesting architectural do-dads and hoo-ha's.
RORY: And wingdings and tum-tum's.
LORELAI: That was close.
RORY: Look, just carve it really tiny here on the baseboard of the wall, and do it reversed, so GL and GR.
LORELAI: Oh, maybe it's not such a good idea.
RORY: The madness passes.
[Sookie opens the door at the top of the staircase]
SOOKIE: Hey, you guys coming? Party at your place, right?
RORY: Party?
LORELAI: Just a little gathering.
RORY: Cool.
LORELAI: We'll meet you back at our house.
SOOKIE: Okay, see you there. [leaves]
[Lorelai and Rory start walking up the stairs]
LORELAI: Wait, wait. Look around for a second. Notice?
RORY: Notice what?
LORELAI: It's not so scary anymore.
RORY: No, it's not.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "03x22 - Those Are Strings, Pinocchio"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN LORELAI'S FRONT YARD
[An airport shuttle van drops Lorelai and Rory off in front of their house, then pulls away]
LORELAI: Agh!
RORY: And we're home.
LORELAI: How long does a freakin' van ride take?
RORY: Not that long!
LORELAI: Everybody in the world's life flashed before my eyes. That's how much time I had. I thought we were gonna die on that van.
RORY: It seemed a good possibility.
LORELAI: Ugh, that van ride felt longer than our train ride from Paris to Prague, and we had that group of French boys singing Sk8er Boi and smelling like a soccer field sitting all around us.
[Babette comes out of her house and rushes over to them]
BABETTE: Oh my God, you're back! Morey, they're back! Are you hurt? Are you bleeding?
LORELAI: Oh, we're fine.
BABETTE: You're fine? They're fine! Morey!
MOREY: [opens his front door] Yeah?
BABETTE: They're fine!
MOREY: Okay. [goes back inside]
BABETTE: What the hell happened to you two? According to the itinerary that Rory gave me, you were supposed to be home on Saturday.
LORELAI: The itinerary that Rory gave you?
BABETTE: So when you girls didn't show up, we panicked! Morey?
MOREY: [opens front door] Yeah?
BABETTE: Didn't we panic?
MOREY: Yeah. [goes inside]
LORELAI: Hey, Morey, you ever thought about just staying out here at times like these?
BABETTE: By Sunday night, I was a complete basketcase. I thought you'd been kidnapped by some crazy Sandinistas or something.
LORELAI: 'Cause the Sandinista movement is so popular in France.
BABETTE: So, finally, I just started calling consulates.
RORY: Consulates?
LORELAI: How many consulates?
BABETTE: Ah, jeez, all of 'em. Anyhow, you're here. Let's go inside, I wanna hear all about Europe. Morey, I'm going in!
MOREY: [calls from his house] Okay.
[Babette goes into Lorelai's house]
LORELAI: You gave her an itinerary?
RORY: I thought it would be good for someone to know where we were.
LORELAI: Oh, you gave her an itinerary and she called every consulate in the world.
RORY: If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn't you want someone to know that we were in Turkey?
LORELAI: Where'd we get this hash we were smuggling?
RORY: You were at a café, you met a guy, he was sweet-talking you, he put the stuff in your purse when you weren't looking.
LORELAI: At least tell me he was cute.
RORY: He was not bad for a hash dealer.
LORELAI: Hm.
[they walk into the house]
BABETTE: [calls from the kitchen] I'm making cocoa!
LORELAI: She's making cocoa 'cause you gave her an itinerary.
RORY: I may have given her the itinerary, but you're the one who got us busted for drug smuggling.
LORELAI: Reality has absolutely no place in our world.
[they walk to the kitchen]
BABETTE: Okay, I wanna hear all about Europe. Come on, tell me, what'd you see?
LORELAI: Well, everything. Uh, Notre Dame, the Roman Baths, St. Peter's Basilica.
RORY: Mom touched the Pope.
BABETTE: You're kidding!
LORELAI: Actually, I just touched his car. Then one of the Swiss guards in the fruity cool clothing busted me.
RORY: Luckily, Mom's fluent in flirting.
LORELAI: And flirting with a guy in a pompom hat and a skirt is quite an accomplishment.
BABETTE: Well, it sounds like you had a terrific trip.
RORY: It was. [Lorelai signals for her to fake a yawn, and Rory does]
LORELAI: Aw, are you okay, hon?
RORY: Yeah, I'm just a little sleepy.
BABETTE: Aw, of course, you girls must be wiped. I'll, uh, get out of here.
LORELAI: Oh, but thanks, Babette.
BABETTE: Well, goodnight, sleep tight. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Morey, I'm coming home! [leaves]
RORY: I'm gonna go unpack.
LORELAI: Oh, unpack tomorrow.
RORY: No, if I leave stuff packed overnight, everything's gonna get gross.
LORELAI: Everything's already gross.
[they walk into Rory's bedroom]
RORY: Ahhh.
[Rory walks to the closet as Lorelai gets on the bed]
LORELAI: Oh my God, your bed feels good.
RORY: Do not get comfortable. I will sleep on top of you if I have to.
LORELAI: Oh man, smell this. [holds up a pillow]
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I forgot that pillows don't have to smell like feet. You know, I have to say, I think it's good I did this hostel thing in my thirties, and I'll tell you why.
RORY: [hugging the clothes in her closet] I missed you, I missed you all!
LORELAI: If I had done it in my twenties or teens, I would've been naïve enough to think that hostels were exotic and romantic. But once you're in your thirties, you've lived enough to know they're gross and should be avoided at all costs.
RORY: [to her clothes] I had a dream about you in Copenhagen. You were there, and you, and you, and you.
LORELAI: Listen, since we slept on the plane, we should go to sleep now, but get up really early tomorrow. We don't wanna blow this whole week being jet-lagged. We need to establish normal sleeping patterns.
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: Okay. I'm gonna go take a shower and leave you alone to make out with your sock drawer.
RORY: Close the door.
[Lorelai leaves. Rory pulls open her sock drawer]
RORY: Hello, boys.
[opening credits]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory is organizing the souvenirs in the living room. Lorelai walks down the steps talking on the phone]
LORELAI: [on phone] Gilmore, Lorelai, yes. My daughter's name is Lorelai also. Well, very confusing or, in your case, extremely convenient. Uh, no, see, we were never missing, it was a big mistake.
RORY: Who are you talking to?
LORELAI: Belgium.
RORY: Ah.
LORELAI: [on phone] Yes, uh huh, Babette Dell. She got our arrival dates mixed up and she was just worried, but we're fine, we're here. We just loved your fries. Okay, sure, bye bye. [hangs up] Okay, Belgium's done, Lisbon's calling me back, Berlin had no idea what I was talking about, and Paris is pissed.
RORY: At who?
LORELAI: Ugh, who knows? Okay, I'm taking a break and then I'm taking on the Netherlands. I still cannot believe Babette did this.
RORY: She just loves us.
LORELAI: Well, be a little less lovable, would you, 'cause it's costing me a fortune. Try being one of those kids where people are like, "Oh really, she was kidnapped? Hey, well, thin the herd."
RORY: Very nice. Hey, who are the rosary beads for?
LORELAI: They're mine.
RORY: What do you need rosary beads for?
LORELAI: They're cute.
RORY: They're for prayer.
LORELAI: Well, pray they match my blue suit?
RORY: They have just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, Jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell.
LORELAI: Hm. Oh, Pieta placemat?
RORY: Oh, Gypsy.
LORELAI: How are you feeling?
RORY: You know, not bad. Just a little spacy.
LORELAI: Like a cold medicine buzz?
RORY: Maybe we got lucky and missed the jet lag.
LORELAI: I hope so because we have a very big week ahead of us.
RORY: Oh yeah?
LORELAI: Yes. In fact, I have here in my hand a schedule of all the activities we are going to partake in over this week, the final week of Rory Gilmore's life before she enters the ivy-covered hallowed halls of Yale University.
RORY: Schedule, please.
LORELAI: Okay. Today we get these presents out to our friends and then we h*t the mall.
RORY: Got it.
LORELAI: Tomorrow we get an early start and we h*t three of the crappier movies that are out.
RORY: And then we have dinner at Grandma's.
LORELAI: Which I will conveniently not put down on my list in the hopes that that magically goes away. Uh, okay, the next day we h*t New York, see your fancy art galleries, h*t the Strand.
RORY: Yes!
LORELAI: Pizza at John's. Um, Sunday, pick up all the stuff you need for school, and then there's a barbecue at Sookie's. Monday is mani/pedi, facial, haircut, go to the psychic, and stock up for Tuesday, the day of all days - Godfather I, II, and III, with extra showings of the Sofia death scene over and over as long as the Mallomars hold out.
RORY: The perfect day!
LORELAI: I agree.
RORY: And I think we have just enough of the biscotti that we brought back from Milan to last us the rest of the week.
LORELAI: Oh, good. Well, everything's in order, so, uh, let's get going and get this stuff out of here.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Wow, we sure have a lot of gifts. Do we like this many people?
RORY: I didn't think so. Maybe we're getting soft in our old age.
LORELAI: Okay, well, I guess we should get some tote bags.
RORY: What tote bags?
LORELAI: We must have tote bags.
RORY: Where would we get tote bags?
LORELAI: Excuse me, every woman who's ever purchased seventy-five dollars worth of Clinique products has some tote bags.
RORY: We don't have tote bags.
LORELAI: Well, how are we supposed to get this stuff out of here?
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the street wearing their backpacks]
LORELAI: Now we're the quirky backpack ladies.
RORY: One of the kinder nicknames that have been attributed to us.
LORELAI: Let's just be very efficient about this. Okay, we'll start with Patty, work our way clockwise around the town, end with Andrew. And let's stick with the 'my mom touched the Pope' anecdote. It's quick, it's peppy, and everybody likes a nice Pope story.
RORY: Do we have time to stop at Luke's? I'm starving.
LORELAI: Absolutely. This is our week, this week we do anything we want.
RORY: I like this week.
LORELAI: Hey, I wonder if Luke and Nicole actually went on that cruise.
RORY: I thought he was going.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, but I wonder if he actually went.
RORY: Why wouldn't he?
LORELAI: Well, I don't know. Because he'd have to pack and leave, plus he'd have to buy a bathing suit.
RORY: Well, I hope he went. He could use a good vacation. Plus, he really seems to like Nicole.
LORELAI: Mmhmm. Yeah, he does. Oh, hey, looks like the soda shop is open.
RORY: Oh, cool.
[They stop outside the soda shop and see Luke and Taylor arguing inside]
LUKE: I am gonna k*ll you.
TAYLOR: Oh, please, you are not.
LUKE: I am, too. I'm gonna k*ll you. I should've k*lled you before. I should've k*lled you the minute you put up those unicorn topiaries in the park, but, hey, hindsight, right?
RORY: Aw, I've missed that.
LORELAI: What do you think, biscotti moment?
RORY: Absolutely.
[Lorelai and Rory eat biscotti while they watch Luke and Taylor argue]
TAYLOR: You don't have to yell, Luke.
LUKE: You put a giant window in my wall.
TAYLOR: So what?
LUKE: A giant window! Right here! You can see my entire diner. And when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store.
TAYLOR: I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a stupid store.
LUKE: Look at this place! Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.
TAYLOR: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter surly killjoy.
LUKE: You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay! What?
TAYLOR: Your hand is near the wax lips.
LUKE: So?
TAYLOR: If you could just move it so you don't accidentally touch the candy. Lucas. [Luke rummages through the different boxes of candy] What are you doing? You stop that right now!
LUKE: [throws candy in the air] Look at all the pretty candy!
TAYLOR: Agh, stop it right now!
LORELAI: [gasps] Oh my God!
RORY: Hm, what? What's the matter?
LORELAI: Luke.
RORY: Yeah, he's finally lost it.
LORELAI: No, we forgot Luke.
RORY: We forgot Luke what? Oh, we forgot to bring him back a gift. Oh no!
LORELAI: We kept putting it off and putting it off.
RORY: We couldn't find anything good enough.
LORELAI: We should've gotten him that bullfighter's uniform.
RORY: Well, so what do we do?
LORELAI: Well, we have to just pick up something here and we'll tell him that we got it in Denmark.
RORY: Pick up what?
LORELAI: Something.
RORY: What? This is Stars Hollow. Everything you buy here has a Hello, Kitty stamped on the bottom.
LORELAI: Well, we have to get him something. We cannot go into Luke's empty handed.
RORY: Great.
LORELAI: Come on.
RORY: I'm hungry.
CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk up to the house]
LORELAI: Hey, Sookie!
[Sookie rushes off the porch to greet them]
SOOKIE: [squeals] You're back!
LORELAI: We're back!
[they all hug; Jackson comes out of the house]
JACKSON: Hey, don't squish baby!
SOOKIE: I missed you so much!
LORELAI: We missed you so much.
SOOKIE: Ah, look at you! You look older.
RORY: Oh, thanks, Sookie.
SOOKIE: So how was it, was it wonderful?
LORELAI: Oh -
SOOKIE: I wanna hear everything you did and everything you ate. Oh, was it warm? I read it was warm. How was Barcelona? Did you see the gaudy apartments? Ooh, did you see a bullfight? Did you see Anne Frank's house? Did you cry? Was Steven Speilberg there, huh? Oh, hey, I hear you touched the Pope! Are you hungry? Do you want anything to eat? I've got quiche.
[they walk into the house]
LORELAI: Hold on one sec here, missy. I need to look at you. Sideways, please.
SOOKIE: Okay.
LORELAI: Hello, hi, nice to see you. I'm your Auntie Lorelai, and this is your Auntie Rory. Say hi, Rory.
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Come over here.
RORY: Oh, no, I'm good.
SOOKIE: Come on, Rory, rub my stomach.
RORY: I'd rather not.
LORELAI: Rory's a chicken.
SOOKIE: So is Jackson.
JACKSON: Hey, I'm gonna like it when it comes out.
LORELAI: So what did the ultrasound say, boy or girl?
SOOKIE: It's a -
JACKSON: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
LORELAI: It's a buh? What's a buh?
JACKSON: [reveals a button pinned to his shirt] Read.
LORELAI: [reads button] "I do not want to know the sex of my baby."
JACKSON: That's right. I'm going old school on this.
SOOKIE: And he's being completely stubborn.
RORY: But you know?
SOOKIE: Of course I know. I had little clothes to buy -
JACKSON: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!
SOOKIE: What? I said nothing about the sex.
JACKSON: You said little, and now I know it's going to be little.
LORELAI: Jackson, seriously, you don't wanna know?
JACKSON: Hey, in the old days, the guys would pace back and forth in the waiting room until a pretty nurse in a nice white outfit would come out and say, "Congratulations - it's a 'insert your chosen sex here'." Ricky Ricardo didn't know, Dick van d*ke didn't know, and by gum, if it was good enough for Rick and Dick, it's good enough for me.
LORELAI: Well, I wanna know.
JACKSON: Rory, what do you say? Be on my side.
SOOKIE: Jackson, there are no sides.
JACKSON: We can be in that waiting room together, pacing, waiting, we'll get you a nice suit. What do you say?
RORY: Okay, sure. I'm on Jackson's side.
JACKSON: Great. Welcome to 1954. [gives her a button]
RORY: Happy to be here.
LORELAI: Well, I wanna know.
SOOKIE: Come on, I'll tell you outside.
LORELAI: Sure you don't wanna go?
RORY: Read the button, missy.
LORELAI: Okay.
[Lorelai and Sookie leave]
RORY: So, you hear about that whole Sputnik thing?
JACKSON: Oh, Eisenhower's on top of it.
RORY: Hm.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Sookie walk out back to the shed]
LORELAI: So Jackson's really not gonna be in the delivery room with you?
SOOKIE: Nope.
LORELAI: Does that bug you?
SOOKIE: Hey, I don't like Jackson to see me shave my legs, so. . .I'm opening the shed! Okay, are you ready?
LORELAI: For what?
[Sookie opens the shed; it's filled with blue baby products]
LORELAI: [gasps] It's a boy!
SOOKIE: It's a boy!
LORELAI: Oh, Sookie, you're having a boy!
SOOKIE: I know! Jackson will finally have that son to prune the trees with.
LORELAI: My God, it's so exciting. A boy! Oh, a little boy. I know nothing about little boys.
SOOKIE: Me neither.
LORELAI: Man, you're prepared, aren't you?
SOOKIE: Yes, I am.
[They sit down in chairs in the shed]
LORELAI: It's so nice to be home.
SOOKIE: It's nice to have you home.
LORELAI: Hey, have you seen Luke lately?
SOOKIE: Briefly.
LORELAI: I guess he went on that cruise, huh?
SOOKIE: Yup.
LORELAI: That's good. That's good he went. He needed a vacation. He works hard, that one. Always cooking, making the coffee, taking the orders.
SOOKIE: You know, I think something happened on that trip of his.
LORELAI: What do you mean?
SOOKIE: Well, the day he got back, Jackson and I went into the diner and I asked him how his trip went. He couldn't get away from me fast enough.
LORELAI: Really? Was Jackson wearing that creepy button?
SOOKIE: Nope. Luke just seemed kind of freaked out about something.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: I don't know.
LORELAI: You think he and Nicole had a fight or something?
SOOKIE: I don't know.
LORELAI: He didn't say anything?
SOOKIE: Nope. He just walked around acting weirder than normal.
LORELAI: Huh. Wonder what that's all about. So. . . are you gonna name him Lorelai?
SOOKIE: Absolutely. That wouldn't be confusing at all.
LORELAI: Great.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory walk down the street. Lorelai is carrying a jar of jam.]
RORY: I cannot believe you.
LORELAI: What? It's the perfect gift for Luke. Fine fancy jam from France.
RORY: Fine fancy jam from Jackson's pantry.
LORELAI: I don't know what you're talking about. I am looking right here at this beautiful hand-crafted label and it says "Fruits de la Terre."
RORY: You didn't even spellcheck to make sure you got the French right.
LORELAI: Yes, well, I think it adds an authentic touch. See, in my world, the person who made this jam was an illiterate orphan. . .Sochelle.
RORY: As in Sochelle Crab.
LORELAI: Yes, exactly. Sochelle was born by the sea, or so said the note left in the bassinet when the nuns found her on the steps of Notre Dame.
RORY: Oh, good, there are nuns.
LORELAI: Every sad story needs nuns. Anyhow, Sochelle had nothing - no father, no mother, no friends, no education. All she had was a burning desire to make great jam, and now she's the most successful jamstress in Paris.
RORY: Luke's gonna know.
LORELAI: No, he is not.
RORY: Well, as much as I would like to be there when you give Luke your heartfelt gift, I'm gonna go give Lane her gift.
LORELAI: All right, but if you're not there, I'm gonna get all the credit for this.
RORY: Exactly as it should be.
LORELAI: Give Lane a hug for me.
RORY: I will. Don't give him the jam.
LORELAI: I can't hear you, I'm too far away.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Bonjour, Luke. Pouvez-vous attacher vos chausseurs?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Uh, hi, Luke. Do you know how to tie your shoes?
LUKE: Very good.
LORELAI: Yup. It came in handy, let me tell you. Not one shoelace fatality on my watch. [he sets a mug in front of her] You remembered.
LUKE: Yup. A couple things about you stick. You have a good time?
LORELAI: Vos odeurs de chat.
LUKE: What's that?
LORELAI: Your cat smells.
LUKE: You must've been a big h*t with the salon set.
LORELAI: The trip was incredible, we had the best time. We were supposed to come back on Saturday.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: Keeping tabs on me?
LUKE: Always safer to know which direction the tornado's coming from.
LORELAI: Anyhow, we were in London and we ran into this group of girls who were heading to Ireland to stake out the Clarence Hotel.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Because U2 owns it and Bono hangs out there.
LUKE: Ah. Him again.
LORELAI: So then we jumped on a train and we headed to Ireland - incredibly beautiful, by the way - and we sat in a bar for two days and did nothing but eat soda crackers and funky cheese and he never showed.
LUKE: Que sera.
LORELAI: Hm. [sips her coffee] Mm, still good. I told 'em about you over there, Señor Swanky-pants.
LUKE: Can't tell you how grateful I am to have you as my press agent.
LORELAI: And we got you something.
LUKE: You did?
LORELAI: Yes, we did.
LUKE: You didn't have to do that.
LORELAI: What are you talking about? We do not go to Europe and come back without bringing something for Luke. Here. [hands Luke the jar of jam]
LUKE: Jam.
LORELAI: Yes, fancy French jam.
LUKE: Fruits de la Terre. Very impressive.
LORELAI: It's handmade by this woman in Paris who has the most amazing story.
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah. Orphaned.
LUKE: Uh huh.
LORELAI: And illiterate.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: Just had nothing in her life, you know, except this burning desire to be the world's greatest jamstress. And she's famous now and, uh, you know, she only makes three bottles of that stuff a year and that's one of 'em, and I brought it all the way across the, uh. . .I got it from Sookie's house.
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: How did you know?
LUKE: Just a wild guess.
LORELAI: I swear, we tried to get you something, but nothing was good enough.
LUKE: No, forget it. I didn't get you anything on my trip either. We're even.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, how was the cruise?
LUKE: Oh, it was. . .you know.
LORELAI: Not really, I've never been on a cruise. So. . .
LUKE: It was fine.
LORELAI: Okay. So, you and Nicole had fun then?
LUKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want more coffee?
LORELAI: Uh, eh, oh. So what did you?
LUKE: Where?
LORELAI: On the boat? What did you and Nicole do on the boat?
LUKE: Oh, uh, you know, we fluttered around and ate, and there was a magic show and a singer and pillow mints, and you know, that's it.
LORELAI: But you and Nicole had a good time, you got along, and. . .
LUKE: Yeah. Uh, I'm gonna go check on your food.
LORELAI: Okay. [Luke walks away] I didn't order anything yet.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Kirk is hanging up a poster in front of the market as Rory walks by]
RORY: Hi, Kirk.
KIRK: Bienvenido, señora Gilmore.
[Rory sees that her picture is on the poster, promoting her as the Ice Cream Queen. She tears it down and walks away]
KIRK: What are you doing? I just put that there.
CUT TO TAYLOR'S SODA SHOP
[Taylor is instructing the employees on how to serve the ice cream]
TAYLOR: Scoop toward you, rolling smoothly. Very good, Ginger. Nice symmetrical balls there, Joshua. Easy on the nuts, easy on the nuts. One cherry, and then present your sundae with a Taylor Tip.
[Rory walks in carrying the poster]
RORY: Uh, excuse me, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Ah, there you are. Hello, your majesty. Come to check on your little kingdom? Uh, Ginger, hand me a spoon.
RORY: I was just walking by when I -
TAYLOR: Here you are, on the house. [hands her a dish of ice cream]
RORY: Thank you.
TAYLOR: Would you like an extra cherry?
RORY: No.
TAYLOR: Because if the Stars Hollow Ice Cream Queen wants two cherries, then she will get two cherries, and to hell with the extra twenty-five cent charge.
RORY: Taylor, you didn't ask me if I wanted to be the Ice Cream Queen.
TAYLOR: So?
RORY: So, you didn't ask me. You just put my picture on a flier and stuck it up all over town.
TAYLOR: Well, I couldn't very well ask you when you were traipsing all over Europe, now could I?
RORY: But -
TAYLOR: And don't worry about getting anything. I have already rented a cape and a crown. Just wear a nice simple sage-colored floor-length dress and you'll be fine.
RORY: I can't do it.
TAYLOR: What do you mean, you can't do it?
RORY: I mean, I'm busy right now. I only have a couple days left before I go off to school, and my mom and I have every moment planned, so I'm just going to have to pass on this one.
TAYLOR: Oh, I see. You're going to pass. You're passing on this. Fine. Just consider yourself passed.
RORY: Look, I can still come by.
TAYLOR: Oh, can you, really? You can find time in your busy day to come by and eat my free ice cream and take my free balloon and get yourself a free glitter hand stamp? You can swing that? You don't have to pass on that, huh?
RORY: Look, Taylor, don't take it like this.
TAYLOR: In my own defense, I assumed you would be thrilled based on your, uh, past participation record.
RORY: But this has nothing to do with -
TAYLOR: You've always been the head pilgrim girl at the food drive table.
RORY: Yes, well, that's for charity.
TAYLOR: The third leprechaun at the St. Patty's Day festival.
RORY: Yes, okay, but again, for charity.
TAYLOR: You man the ticket booth on Groundhog Day. You help organize the manger procession at Christmas, you play Esther every year at the Purim carnival. I just assumed you liked taking part in town events.
RORY: I do like it, but I just can't this time. I'm sorry.
TAYLOR: Oh, don't be. It's my own fault. I should have figured that once you got into Yale everything would be different.
RORY: That's not fair.
TAYLOR: No, I understand. You're no longer our little Stars Hollow Rory Gilmore. You belong to the Ivy Leagues right now. It's time to cut those small town ties and go off and do something important like go to drama school or have one of those high-class naked parties with that Bush girl.
RORY: Taylor -
TAYLOR: Okay. See you around the quad. [walks away]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk through the front door]
LORELAI: Okay, that took way longer than it was supposed to. From now on, when we go out of town, no presents for anyone.
RORY: Oh, right. So we'll just buy everyone a big crate of Fruits de la Terre.
LORELAI: That horse is d*ad, put the stick down. Now we're way behind in our schedule, so I propose a change. Let's hold off on the frivolous shopping until tomorrow. What's up?
RORY: That Taylor thing is still bugging me.
LORELAI: Me, too. I can't believe you didn't call me in to see the fight.
RORY: Maybe I am different. Maybe I do have an attitude.
LORELAI: I think you do.
RORY: I mean, I've always had time for the town in the past, and now suddenly I don't? Am I changing? I don't wanna change. I don't wanna be the anti-town girl. I'm not Daria.
LORELAI: Taylor is just messing with your mind, which is one of his specialties. Ignore him.
RORY: I guess. [she picks up a pile of mail from the coffee table.]
LORELAI: Hey, hey, no mail yet. We agreed, we're still on vacation.
RORY: Well, I'll just look through my mail. Yours can sit there as long as you like.
LORELAI: Yeah, but then you're back in the real world again and I'm out here in vacation-land alone. That's not fun.
RORY: [reading a letter] Oh no.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Oh no.
LORELAI: What oh no?
[Rory heads to her bedroom, Lorelai follows]
RORY: Oh no. Oh no. No no no no no no no no no. Oh no.
LORELAI: Uh, hey, kid, you're kind of freaking me out here.
[Rory flips through her date book]
RORY: I wrote the date down wrong.
LORELAI: What date?
RORY: This is from Yale. My orientation is Saturday.
LORELAI: Right, next Saturday.
RORY: No, this Saturday.
LORELAI: No, next Saturday.
RORY: No, this Saturday.
LORELAI: But today's Thursday. That means we have no -
RORY: I have to be at school the day after tomorrow.
LORELAI: But. . .no! We had a free week. I had it all scheduled out.
RORY: Well, I wrote the date down wrong.
LORELAI: Why would you do that?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: You never write the date down wrong.
RORY: Well, I wrote it down before we left and I wrote it down wrong.
LORELAI: We were supposed to have a week.
RORY: Well, we don't.
LORELAI: I can't believe you wrote the date down wrong.
RORY: I can't believe you weren't gonna let me open the mail.
LORELAI: I can't believe you wrote the date down wrong.
RORY: I can't believe you made us go to Ireland to stalk Bono.
LORELAI: This isn't fair. You have more I-can't-believe's than I do.
RORY: This sucks.
LORELAI: This totally sucks.
RORY: Well, I'm not ready. I haven't packed. I have things I need to get. We were supposed to watch the three Godfather's and Sofia dying over and over and eat our biscotti and -
LORELAI: Okay, listen, calm down. We just need to revise our plan.
RORY: We were supposed to have a week.
LORELAI: Okay, tonight we stay home and pack. Tomorrow we get up early. We'll get all the stuff you need, and that will give us time to watch at least two Godfather's and a Sofia dying. We'll still have a partial day and a great biscotti night.
RORY: Chinese.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Food. Order it. Go.
LORELAI: No, no time for full sentences!
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: Ordering!
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory, each carrying several shopping bags, walk through the town square]
LORELAI: I'm so wiped. I shouldn't have taken that third Excedrin PM last night.
RORY: Third? Why'd you take three?
LORELAI: Oh, well, uh, originally I took two, then somewhere around four in the morning, I woke up and had a major Marilyn moment.
RORY: Oh, no.
LORELAI: Yeah. I forgot that I'd taken something and so I popped a third one and now I'm about ready to sleep with a Kennedy.
RORY: Well, I hear Kerry's available.
LORELAI: Okay, let's sit. God, Mr. Jet Lag wants to be my best friend.
RORY: Well, do you wanna go home and rest?
LORELAI: No. We have a Godfather night to salvage. Check the list.
RORY: Okay, we got the sheets, towels, bathroom shower caddy, and the basic first aid accoutrement. We still need to h*t the beauty supply, the hardware store, stationery store.
LORELAI: The mattress store.
RORY: You do know that they supply you with a mattress at the dorm.
LORELAI: Yeah. A mattress that decades of students in various states of cleanliness have slept on. Some without pajamas.
RORY: Gross.
LORELAI: Exactly.
RORY: We've been running around for hours and this list isn't getting any shorter. We're never gonna finish.
LORELAI: Stop. Yes, we are. We just need to split up. We'll get all this done quicker. I'll take the, uh, beauty supply and you take the stationery store, and we'll meet back here in twenty minutes.
RORY: Okay. Oh, boy.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Well, I'm gonna walk right past that stupid grand opening.
LORELAI: Well, I would take the stationery store, but you're so weird about what kind of pens you like.
RORY: No, no. I'll just. . .I'll walk really fast. Maybe Taylor won't notice me.
LORELAI: Yeah. You better walk really fast, like warp speed Mr. Sulu kind of fast.
RORY: Let's go.
LORELAI: Twenty minutes!
[They go off in separate directions. Rory stops to listen to Taylor speaking to a crowd in front of the soda shop]
TAYLOR: …since these and many other flavors await your tongues at Taylor's Old Fashioned Soda Shoppe and Candy Store. I wanna thank you all for coming here today to help us celebrate our grand opening. Now, originally we were supposed to have our Ice Cream Queen here, but unfortunately, kids, she was just too busy. She just couldn't find time in her busy queen schedule to come play with all of you here today.
[a young girl in the crowd starts crying]
TAYLOR: I know, Christy, but take heart, we still have balloons and music, and as a special treat a little later, a skydiver is going to drop from the sky and land right here in front of Taylor's Old Fashioned Soda Shoppe and Candy Store. Isn't that great, kids? A skydiver who isn't too busy to come play with you will be here soon.
CUT TO THE BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey, Kirk.
KIRK: Hello.
LORELAI: Hey, I'm looking for a good daytime cream and a good nighttime cream.
KIRK: For you?
LORELAI: No, for Rory.
KIRK: Is she sensitive, prone to breakouts if the cream is too heavy?
LORELAI: Yeah.
KIRK: I thought so. Okay, first of all, I would stay far away from that one.
LORELAI: Oh.
KIRK: Much too rich for her. This one is light with a fresh citrus scent and it is completely natural.
LORELAI: We like that.
KIRK: Now, for day, I would recommend something with a sunscreen. Rory has a classic peaches and cream complexion, and it would be a crime if, when she got older, her face started to look like a cowboy.
LORELAI: I couldn't agree more.
KIRK: All right. This should work.
LORELAI: Thank you.
KIRK: You know, I heard you got back from your trip.
LORELAI: Yup, I'm living proof.
KIRK: Miss Patty showed me the castanets you brought her.
LORELAI: Oh yeah?
KIRK: Yeah. And Andrew showed me the T-shirt from the Picasso museum. I must admit, I was a little jealous. I mean, I hate Picasso, but I love T-shirts.
LORELAI: Oh.
KIRK: And Pete seemed to really enjoy the Tower of London nutcracker you brought him.
LORELAI: Kirk.
KIRK: A nutcracker's a very useful thing to have around. I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting in my living room with a nut thinking, "if only I had a way to crack this."
LORELAI: Okay, Kirk, I'm really sorry, we got a little messed up on the presents. It just got so crazy over there. I mean, we forgot to bring something back for Luke.
KIRK: I heard he got jam.
LORELAI: Fake jam.
KIRK: I love fake jam.
LORELAI: You know what, I'm gonna make this up to you, okay?
KIRK: Really?
LORELAI: I promise. We never meant to forget you.
KIRK: Oh. Okay, well, sure. You can make it up to me.
LORELAI: Okay. Now how much do I owe you?
KIRK: 45.50. You're, uh, you're lucky you came in when you did. I'm closing a little early today.
LORELAI: Ooh, well, lucky me.
KIRK: Yup. [he puts on a skydiver's backpack]
LORELAI: Kirk, no.
KIRK: Taylor paid me twenty dollars to jump out of a plane for the grand opening.
LORELAI: No.
KIRK: But I took a lesson. The guy said I was a natural at falling.
LORELAI: Kirk, listen to me, this is the best gift I could possibly give you - don't do that, okay?
KIRK: Do I still get the jam?
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory is walking down the street. Two young kids walk by.]
KID 1: Thanks a lot.
KID 2: Yale can have you.
[Lorelai walks up to Rory]
LORELAI: Honey. Hey, did you get your silly pens?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Okay, good. Now I can mark these two things off, and we only have about ten thousand other things to do.
RORY: Great.
LORELAI: You know, I think the only way we're gonna get this all done is if we prioritize.
RORY: Meaning?
LORELAI: Something has to go.
RORY: Biscotti night.
LORELAI: No, not biscotti night. I think we should bail on Friday night dinner.
RORY: Cancel on Grandma?
LORELAI: Yes, cancel on Grandma.
RORY: I can't do that.
LORELAI: Rory, we need to get this stuff before tomorrow. There's no way we can do that if we have to drive all the way to Hartford and back. She'll understand. Well, the first part was true.
RORY: I can't skip dinner.
LORELAI: Come on, we're gonna go to dinner next week and every week after that for the rest of our lives. And I do mean the rest of our lives because my parents will outlive us. The damned can do that.
RORY: Mom, I made a deal. This is why I get to go to Yale. I can't back out.
LORELAI: It's our last night.
RORY: I have to go. You don't have to, but I do.
LORELAI: What do you mean I don't have to go?
RORY: I was very clear when I made this deal that it was only for me.
LORELAI: You're right, I don't have to go. Boy, that's an oddly liberating feeling. I don't have to go. I don't have to go. I do not have to go to dinner.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Hang on, I'm not done. I do not have to go ever if I'm not in the mood.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I'm not going. I'll finish up all the errands.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Yes. You go and you eat really fast and then get out of there. Meet me back here 9:30, 10 at the latest, and we'll do Godfather I through "Monday, Tuesday, Thursday," and a quick Sofia dying.
RORY: Deal.
LORELAI: Remember, eat fast.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: Bye.
[They go off in separate directions. Taylor is still speaking to the crowd in front of the soda shop]
TAYLOR: Now just picture her sitting here just like this, smiling and waving. 'Hello kids, I'm the Ice Cream Queen.'
[Rory walks up to the microphone to speak to the crowd]
RORY: Okay, that's it. I humiliate myself at least six times a year for this town, and just because I'm going to Yale, that's not going to stop. Now the reason I am not the Ice Cream Queen is because Taylor never asked me. I didn't know about it, and that's why I was busy. Now I love this town, I will be back in that ridiculous pilgrim outfit at Thanksgiving, so everybody just get off my back.
[She walks away as some people applaud]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings. Emily walks toward the door]
EMILY: Richard, they're here! Put those papers away and fix your tie.
[Emily opens the door]
RORY: Hey, Grandma.
EMILY: Hello, Rory.
RORY: Nice to see you.
EMILY: It's nice to see you, too. Come on in.
RORY: I'm sorry I'm a little late.
EMILY: Well, you're here now and that's all that matters. Shall we go into the living room?
RORY: Yes. Then I can give you your present.
EMILY: My present? Well, that sounds very interesting.
RORY: We bought it for you in Paris because Mom said you loved Paris the most.
EMILY: I wonder what it could be.
[They sit down in the living room. Rory hands her a gift]
RORY: For you.
[Emily opens the gift, an Eiffel Tower figurine]
EMILY: Oh my, it's lovely, Rory, really. Just beautiful.
RORY: It was between this and the Arc de Triumphe, but Mom said that the Eiffel Tower was fancier.
EMILY: I agree, and I love it. Thank you.
RORY: You're welcome.
EMILY: So, where is your mother tonight? Not sick, I hope.
RORY: Oh, no, she's fine. She just had some things to do.
EMILY: Ah, things.
RORY: Errands, actually.
EMILY: Errands, of course.
RORY: But she'll be here next week, and she says she's looking forward to it.
[Richard walks into the room]
RICHARD: Emily, I'm expecting a call and there's nothing I can do about it, so please don't be upset when I leave the table. Rory, how lovely to see you. Well, how was the first European excursion?
RORY: It was perfect.
EMILY: Lorelai had chores to do tonight.
RICHARD: Chores?
EMILY: Errands, you know.
RICHARD: Errands?
EMILY: Yes, that's why she didn't come, she had to run errands. But she'll be here next week, and she's looking forward to it. Isn't that nice?
RICHARD: I suppose.
EMILY: I think so, too. Would you like to see my present?
RICHARD: Well, that's very nice. That'll fit right in with your collection, Emily.
EMILY: Yes, it will.
RORY: We got something for you, too, Grandpa. [hands him a gift]
RICHARD: Well, I guess you're not the only one who gets a treat tonight.
EMILY: Oh, and just when I thought I was special.
[Richard opens the gift, a pipe]
RICHARD: Look at that. That's beautiful.
RORY: We found this amazing pipe store in Copenhagen and the man there can carve anything you want. His family's been doing it for over a hundred and fifty years. And they had a whole set of Alice in Wonderland pipes that Mom wanted to get, but they were way too expensive so we just got the Queen of Hearts.
RICHARD: Well, I love it.
EMILY: Yes, and you're gonna love it outside on the patio.
RICHARD: As you wish, my dear. [the phone rings] That's my call, that's my call.
EMILY: Hurry back, or we'll start without you.
RICHARD: Five minutes. Ten, tops. [leaves room]
EMILY: He'll be an hour.
RORY: Is his new business going well?
EMILY: Oh, who knows? He's not in the room long enough to find out.
MAID: Dinner is served, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: All right, Gerta. Well, I guess we should go in and eat.
RORY: What about Grandpa?
EMILY: Oh, we'll save him something.
RORY: Okay.
CUT TO THE DINING ROOM
[Emily, Richard, and Rory are eating dinner]
RICHARD: So, Rory, tell me, how were the g*n?
RORY: The who?
RICHARD: The g*n. Our friends in Zurich. The ones we told you two to look up when you got there.
RORY: Oh, the g*n, right.
RICHARD: I tell ya, they better have given you a first class welcome. Especially after that son of theirs squatted here for over a month last year.
EMILY: And ruined the rug in the guest room.
RICHARD: That's right. Hope you ruined one of their rugs as well.
RORY: Actually, we, um, we didn't get a chance to see the g*n.
RICHARD: Hm?
EMILY: Why not? Were they out of town?
RORY: Well, I -
RICHARD: You did go to Zurich, didn't you?
RORY: Yes, but, you know, Zurich was so crazy for us that we just figured, 'Ah, we'll just catch 'em next time.'
RICHARD: You didn't call them?
RORY: You know, there really wasn't time.
RICHARD: Well, what about the Egerholms in Denmark? Is their new house a monstrosity?
RORY: Well, if you think Zurich was hectic, then Denmark was just. . .whoo!
RICHARD: You didn't call them?
RORY: Um, no.
RICHARD: The Rezoscos in Florence?
RORY: No.
RICHARD: The Talbots in London?
RORY: We were only in London for two days.
RICHARD: Well, who did you look up when you went to Europe?
RORY: Jim Morrison says hello.
RICHARD: You didn't look up one of our friends? We must've given you fifteen names.
RORY: I know, but we got so caught up in the backpacking aspect of it that it just kind of slipped our minds.
RICHARD: You know what that means, Emily. We're going to have to stay with the g*n when we go to Zurich in the fall.
EMILY: Rory, would you like another piece of chicken?
RICHARD: Tiresome people.
RORY: I've already had two, Grandma.
RICHARD: I'm sorry, why are we friends with them again?
EMILY: Well, just take it and nibble at it if you want to. Gerta, you can put the soufflé in now.
RORY: Soufflé?
EMILY: Yes, we're going to have a special dessert, something to celebrate your homecoming.
RICHARD: Well, why didn't she put it in the oven when we sat down to dinner? Those things take forever to cook.
EMILY: You know, every time we go to Paris, I marvel at their ability to turn a simple meal into a three or four hour event. Makes every day seem like a party. So tonight, I thought we'd be European. I thought maybe we'd have a cheese plate before dessert and coffee. How does that sound? Bon?
RORY: Oh, yes. Very. . .bon.
EMILY: It's nice to mix it up once in awhile. Oh, I have a wonderful idea. Rory, have you ever seen a ballroom dancing competition?
RORY: Uh, no.
EMILY: You would love it. It is so exciting, and the costumes are beautiful. I've been taping them since 1978. Can you imagine?
RORY: No.
EMILY: All right, then. After dessert, you and I are going to hunker down in that den that we never use and I am pulling out those tapes. We'll just start at the beginning and see how far we get. Perfect, here's the cheese. I'll take that, Gerta. Richard, do you want to start?
CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD
[Lorelai and Luke are loading Rory's things for Yale into the back of Luke's truck]
LUKE: Jeez, you think you go to a fancy school like Yale there'd be a mattress in the room.
LORELAI: Yeah. Go figure, huh?
LUKE: You packed her stuff in Hefty bags?
LORELAI: Hey, she's lucky I even had these in the house.
LUKE: If you needed luggage, you should've asked me.
LORELAI: You have luggage?
LUKE: Yes, I have luggage. Why wouldn't I have luggage?
LORELAI: You never go anywhere.
LUKE: I just went on a seven-country cruise.
LORELAI: That's right, the mystery cruise that you don't wanna talk about.
LUKE: I told you I brought luggage. What more info do you need?
LORELAI: Why won't you tell me what happened?
LUKE: Because.
LORELAI: Why? Luke, I swear, I'm dying to know, but every time I bring it up, you spaz out. Why won't you tell me? I would tell you.
LUKE: Yes, but I wouldn't wanna know.
LORELAI: Did something happen with you and Nicole?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: What? Did you propose?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: Oh my God, you proposed?
LUKE: Yes, I proposed.
LORELAI: This is big. This is huge.
LUKE: There's more.
LORELAI: There's more? Okay, well, what? Did she say yes?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: She said yes. You proposed and she said yes. Wow, I -
LUKE: There's more.
LORELAI: And there's more after you proposed and she said yes? What, you -
LUKE: We got married.
LORELAI: You got married? How could you get married?
LUKE: We asked the captain and he married us.
LORELAI: And that's legal?
LUKE: Apparently.
LORELAI: So you're married? You're legally married? This is just -
LUKE: Actually, there's a little more.
LORELAI: And she's pregnant. Oh my God, you finally reproduced.
LUKE: We're getting divorced.
LORELAI: I'm gonna sit down now.
LUKE: It just all happened so fast.
LORELAI: Well, yeah.
[they sit down on the front porch steps]
LUKE: I mean, you're on this boat in the middle of nowhere and everything's moving and you feel weird all the time. There's this endless supply of food and drink. Uh, midnight buffets, by the way, are the reason the rest of the world hates us. And everyone around us was either in love, engaged, or celebrating their hundredth wedding anniversary, and we were having a good time. . . and there you go.
LORELAI: There you go.
LUKE: Of course, the next morning we both woke up and realized we'd lost our minds. We tried to ignore it for awhile, you know, went snorkeling, but by the time we h*t land, we were separated, and now we're getting divorced.
LORELAI: Okay, well, my jet lag and your love life is making me dizzy. Is there more?
LUKE: Nope, that's it.
LORELAI: I'm sorry.
LUKE: Ah, it's okay.
LORELAI: Well, look on the bright side. I mean, now that you've been married, it'll silence all those questions.
LUKE: What questions?
LORELAI: You know, a single man of a certain age who lives alone.
LUKE: You're kidding.
LORELAI: Hey, I always defended you. I always said, "Hey, so what if he is?"
LUKE: Thank you for your support.
[Lorelai's cell phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers] Hello?
RORY: She's taken me hostage.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: She's not letting me leave. Dinner lasted an hour. She didn't even put the soufflé in the oven until we'd already finished, and now we're watching taped ballroom dancing competitions that date back to the 1800's.
LORELAI: You haven't left yet?
RORY: Are you listening to me? I can't leave. She won't let me leave ever. This is Iran in '79 and you are Jimmy Carter. What do we do?
LORELAI: Well, first we have to lose the Jimmy Carter comparison, and second, I have to come get you. This is about me and me not showing up, so maybe if I put in an appearance, she'll let you go.
RORY: Okay, but come quickly because she's got a lot of tapes and they rewind really slow.
LORELAI: I'm on my way. [hangs up] Um, hey, so, uh, I have to go get Rory.
LUKE: Everything okay?
LORELAI: Uh, yeah. You know, my mother's a psycho, so. . .business as usual.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Thanks for the help.
LUKE: Sure.
LORELAI: And I am sorry.
LUKE: I'll be fine.
[Kirk walks by in a skydiver's outfit, trailing a parachute behind him]
KIRK: Strong wind.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[In the den, Emily puts a ballroom dancing tape into the VCR, then sits next to Rory on the couch]
EMILY: Now I think you're really going to see quite a difference from the early eighties. They really start to mix it up in '88.
RORY: Mmhmm.
EMILY: Oh, see right there, see that move? Five years ago it was not allowed. Could've gotten you kicked right out.
RORY: That's harsh.
EMILY: Oh, yes. Ballroom dancing can be very harsh. Oh, look. The couple in the purple feathers - that's Corky and Shirley Ballas. I love them, they are so talented. Corky's actually writing a musical based on their life as ballroom champions, and their son, Corky Jr., is going to play him as a young man.
RORY: Wow. Two Corky's in one show. Don't see that everyday.
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: Mom, hi!
LORELAI: There you guys are.
EMILY: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: Well, you know, it's funny, I just happen to be in the neighborhood and I thought to myself, I wonder what's doing at the Gilmore house.
RORY: We're watching National Ballroom Dancing competitions.
LORELAI: You are? Well, that sounds fun. Mind if I watch with you?
EMILY: I don't think you'd enjoy it.
LORELAI: Oh, no, I'm sure I would.
EMILY: Well, you've already missed the beginning.
LORELAI: I'm betting you could catch me up.
EMILY: Rory, would you go ask Gerta if she would make me some tea?
RORY: Uh, sure, Grandma. [leaves]
LORELAI: No, nothing for me, Mom. Thanks. Um, so what's new?
EMILY: Well, you obviously weren't just in the neighborhood, so why don't you tell me what you're doing here?
LORELAI: Uh, you know, I came to see you.
EMILY: You came to get Rory.
LORELAI: Mom, she's been here for hours. Patty Hearst had a shorter incarceration.
EMILY: She's not being held hostage, Lorelai. I resent that. She's spending time with me, something you obviously don't want to do.
LORELAI: Mom, I'm sorry I missed dinner tonight.
EMILY: Come to dinner, don't come to dinner, it makes no difference to me. You are under no obligation to us any longer.
LORELAI: I know, but -
EMILY: You're very busy, I understand. I wouldn't wanna keep you any longer.
LORELAI: Mom, please, let me take Rory with me.
EMILY: No. Tonight is my night with Rory.
LORELAI: You're keeping her from me on purpose.
EMILY: If Rory wants to leave, she can ask to leave. She's not a four-year old.
LORELAI: Well, she's not gonna hurt your feelings by asking to leave.
EMILY: Why should she? She knows you'll be along any second to do it for her.
LORELAI: Mom, why do you always make everything so hard? Don't you understand, this is my last night with my daughter! She goes off to college tomorrow!
EMILY: I know, which is why I was so surprised you didn't want to spend the evening with her.
LORELAI: I do!
EMILY: Then you should've come!
LORELAI: I couldn't!
EMILY: You wouldn't!
LORELAI: Ugh, I swear to God! Where's Dad?
EMILY: Oh, he went to bed hours ago.
LORELAI: He went to bed?
EMILY: Well, it was getting late.
[Lorelai laughs a little]
EMILY: Why are you laughing?
LORELAI: Um, you know, you've got Rory locked in here with the Mambo Kings, and, um, and Dad went to bed.
EMILY: So what? Why is that funny?
LORELAI: Because. . .you know, she's here and he's there and. . .God, I'm so tired.
[Lorelai keeps laughing. Rory walks in]
RORY: What's so funny?
EMILY: Oh, she's having a fit.
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Oh my God. [laughs harder]
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I just got the Jimmy Carter reference.
[Lorelai and Rory laugh]
EMILY: As soon as you're both done. . .
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Later that night, Lorelai and Rory are watching ballroom dancing in the den]
RORY: Oh, watch this. This part's really good.
LORELAI: Ouch, that has got to hurt.
RORY: Cool, huh?
LORELAI: Extremely. Plus, the whole matching haircut thing adds a level of commitment to their act that the other acts just lack. Oh, hey, careful where you put the hand there, mister.
RORY: You know they rehearse every night, plus they have classes, plus they go to the gym four times a week?
LORELAI: Hm. Oh my God, she's balancing on his hand. He is like Superman. Or Wonder Woman. Either way, he's very strong.
RORY: So, tomorrow. . .
LORELAI: Yeah, tomorrow.
RORY: It's a big day.
LORELAI: It's a really big day.
RORY: I just hope it's everything I've been imagining it to be.
LORELAI: Yeah. I just hope you actually get there.
[they glance at Emily sleeping on the other couch, then continue watching the television]
LORELAI: You know, if Sofia could just die during a fox trot, that would be perfect.
RORY: Biscotti?
LORELAI: Yes, please.
[Rory hands her one from the bag]
LORELAI: They're all broken.
RORY: I know. I like 'em that way.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x01 - Ballroom and Biscotti"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Chris Long
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory walks out of her bedroom with some beauty products. She goes into the living room to pack them in a suitcase]
RORY: I've got too much stuff.
LORELAI: [calls from upstairs] What?
RORY: Stuff! And it's your fault. You inculcated into me a tolerance for rampant consumerism.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: When did I become one of those girls with dozens of beauty products, none of which are expendable? It used to be a touch of mascara, dab of Coppertone, zip, bam, boom, out the door.
LORELAI: I heard copper and boom.
RORY: Never mind. And what's going on? We're late.
LORELAI: I'm looking for the camera.
RORY: Oy vey, she's looking for the camera.
LORELAI: I heard that.
RORY: That she hears.
[Lorelai comes down the steps]
LORELAI: It is my prerogative as your mother to record any event in my daughter's life that I so choose. It's in the mother's handbook.
RORY: Does Luke know that you can't drive a stick?
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Because you borrowed his truck and it's a stick.
LORELAI: I can drive a stick.
RORY: You can stir coffee with a stick, but you can't drive a stick.
LORELAI: Okay, I am glad I did not choose to record that particular moment in my daughter's life 'cause that was just ugly.
RORY: I just want you to get there in one piece.
LORELAI: You look out for me.
RORY: Let's h*t the road.
LORELAI: Oh, wait, wait, this is it! This is the precise moment that I've been looking for. This is my daughter going off to college, this is my sh*t!
RORY: Okay, fine.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm lining you up, now look candid.
RORY: Okay, see, the very definition of candid means that the subject doesn't know the picture's being taken.
LORELAI: So forget the camera's there.
RORY: I'll try.
LORELAI: And smile.
RORY: Okay, okay.
[Lorelai takes a picture]
LORELAI: I'm not happy.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: It looks posed.
RORY: How about this?
LORELAI: Yeah, you know the stick we were talking about before? It looks like it's somewhere else now.
RORY: You're having serious Annie Leibovitz delusions here.
LORELAI: But it just looks like you're standing in the house. No one will know that you're going off to college.
RORY: Shall I hold a sign?
LORELAI: Or you could do the "going off to college" walk.
RORY: The what?
LORELAI: The walk, the this. [imitates the walk]
RORY: You look like Alfalfa coming to pick up Darla.
LORELAI: Here, hold some of your stuff. At least it'll look like you're moving or something.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Ugh, it looks like you're taking out the trash.
RORY: Okay, that's it, we're going.
LORELAI: All right. I'll just have to make do with one of the pictures I already took.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: Ooh, I'll put it on the computer and then superimpose an important person standing next to you seeing you off, like Kissinger or Lady Bird Johnson or Pat Summerall or something.
RORY: Pat Summerall?
LORELAI: Well, you think of somebody better.
RORY: Orson Welles.
LORELAI: It can't be a d*ad person.
RORY: Pat Summerall's d*ad.
LORELAI: No, he's not.
RORY: Pat Summerall is d*ad.
LORELAI: No, I'm telling you, he's not. Lady Bird Johnson is d*ad.
RORY: No, she's not.
LORELAI: How much you wanna bet?
RORY: Five bucks.
LORELAI: Let's google him right now.
RORY: Mom, Yale?
LORELAI: Yeah, Yale can wait for us to google Pat Summerall.
RORY: Come.
LORELAI: Where are your priorities?
[opening credits]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Rory walks in and sits at the counter]
RORY: Hey, Luke.
LUKE: Hey, Rory. Isn't today Yale?
RORY: Um, yeah, I'm going right now.
LUKE: You look so calm. How do you feel?
RORY: A little nervous, but a last Luke's fix before I go will help.
LUKE: Well, today is whatever you want on the house.
RORY: Wow, I feel important.
LUKE: You are important. Where's your mom?
RORY: She's coming. She's having a wee bit of trouble with your truck.
[Luke looks out the window and sees Lorelai backing his truck toward the diner]
LUKE: What is she doing?
RORY: Well, she, uh, backed the truck out of our driveway all fine and everything, but once she h*t the road, she couldn't get it out of reverse, so she -
LUKE: Backed it here?
RORY: Slow but steady.
[Luke walks outside to the truck]
LORELAI: Something's wrong with your truck.
LUKE: Nothing's wrong with my truck. Stop the truck.
LORELAI: It won't go out of reverse.
LUKE: You can't drive a stick.
LORELAI: I can't drive an uncooperative stick.
LUKE: My stick's not uncooperative. Come on, h*t the brakes.
[Lorelai stops the truck and gets out. Luke gets in]
LORELAI: Okay, good luck. I don't think it's gonna happen.
[Luke drives the truck forward and parks it along the curb]
LORELAI: This is a misogynistic truck!
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It's anti-woman, it's gender-selective, it's "Oh, let's drink a beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up."
[Luke gets out of the truck and they start walking toward the diner]
LUKE: I changed my mind, you can't borrow my truck.
LORELAI: But it's full of our stuff.
LUKE: You should've hired movers.
LORELAI: You could've said no when I asked to borrow the truck.
LUKE: You said you could drive a stick.
LORELAI: Yeah, not the Joe Sixpack of sticks. Not the "Oh, let's scratch our bellies and eat some corn nuts and pick our teeth."
[they walk into the diner]
LORELAI: Really, Luke, I can drive it.
LUKE: Okay, fine. Just be careful and have it back by four.
LORELAI: Four-ish it is.
LUKE: Four, I need it at four.
LORELAI:: Give or take a few min-
LUKE: Four.
LORELAI:: God, he's so possessive about the stupid truck.
LUKE: It's my truck, I possess it!
LORELAI:: I'm just kidding. I'll have it back by four, calm down.
LUKE: Okay, I'm just. . .I'm not in much of a kidding mood with all this other stuff going on. Divorce papers. Fun, huh?
LORELAI: Zero fun. Sorry, Luke.
LUKE: It's not that I wasn't expecting them, it's just. . .the law firm that Nicole works for sent them. I called with a simple question they could've answered over the phone, but they insisted on sending someone down to see me.
LORELAI: I take it you're not looking forward to that.
LUKE: I'm about to build a moat of f*re.
CAESAR: Here you go, Rory. [hands her a bag]
RORY: Thanks, Caesar. Since we were short on time, I had them make us something to go. My Yale special.
LORELAI: Oh, share, share.
RORY: Sausage wrapped in a pancake tied together with bacon.
LORELAI: You made that up?
RORY: I don't know how I do it.
LUKE: Here. [shows Lorelai a piece of paper]
LORELAI: What's this?
LUKE: A shift diagram for the truck, nice and simple. D is for drive, R is for -
LORELAI: The R in drive!
LUKE: R is for reverse.
LORELAI: Right, reverse.
LUKE: And one is -
LORELAI: The loneliest number that you'll ever know!
LUKE: The first gear.
LORELAI: I know, Luke. Really, I can handle it.
LUKE: I hope so.
RORY: Thanks, Luke.
LUKE: Good luck, Rory. [sees a man enter the diner] Oh, goody, a guy in a suit.
LORELAI: Good luck to you.
[Lorelai and Rory leave; the man walks up to Luke]
RUSSELL:
MR. Danes?
LUKE: Unfortunately.
RUSSELL: I'm Russell Bynes. I'm with Blodgett, Sage, Albet, Pettruccio, Stein, Lemming, and Stein, attorneys for Nicole Diana Leahy.
LUKE: And the sun just went down, thanks for coming.
RUSSELL: Pardon me?
LUKE: You're wasting your time. I had a simple question, where do I sign? It didn't require a personal visit.
RUSSELL: Whoa, whoa, there's no place to sign because this is just a document informing the defendant of the type of action being filed.
LUKE: What are you talking about? Who's the defendant?
RUSSELL: You are.
LUKE: Oh my God.
RUSSELL: Didn't you read the papers?
LUKE: Yeah, the Red Sox lost by three, Bush is at the ranch chatting up a Swiss dude.
RUSSELL: The divorce papers.
LUKE: I know what you meant. Look, I didn't k*ll anyone. Nicole and I just kind of accidentally got married and now we want out. We both want the same thing.
RUSSELL: Don't try to play me,
MR. Danes.
LUKE: I'm too busy for this.
RUSSELL: Fine, because I should just be dealing with your legal representation.
LUKE: I don't believe this.
RUSSELL: Not giving us your lawyer's information is only going to prolong the process.
LUKE: Okay, if I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?
RUSSELL: I will leave.
LUKE: Okay, you ready?
RUSSELL: Yes.
LUKE: His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey. . .
RUSSELL: Dewey.
LUKE: Cheatham. . .
RUSSELL: Cheatham.
LUKE: And Howe.
RUSSELL: Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. That was very immature.
LUKE: Yeah, well, tickled me.
RUSSELL: My bosses are gonna wanna hear this.
LUKE: Oh, come on, they've heard that one before. Oh, hey, if you want Don's number, it's 555-5555.
[Russell leaves. Lorelai walks back in holding out the stick shift diagram]
LUKE: I thought you were gone.
LORELAI: Nothing's where it says it is.
[Luke flips the paper over]
LORELAI: It's gonna be fine.
CUT TO YALE UNIVERSITY
[Lorelai is standing in a parking space in the street in front of the school. Rory pulls up in her car]
RORY: Nice score!
LORELAI: Thank you. Oh, and later, I'll, uh, point out the seven or so fellow Yalies who already hate you because your obnoxious mother wouldn't let them park in the only open spot left.
RORY: Oh, goody. You get the truck here okay?
LORELAI: Oh, we had some bickering, but we made it.
[a girl walks over to them]
TESS: Hello. Name?
LORELAI: Oh, hey. I was told it was okay to hold the spot. A guy told me, I forget his name. He had, uh, like, a jacket.
TESS: It's okay. I was just wondering what our newcomer's name is.
RORY: Rory Gilmore.
LORELAI: Right, Rory Gilmore
TESS: [checks list] Rory Gilmore, Rory Gilmore. . . there you are. Welcome to Yale.
LORELAI: Oh, hold the shake, hold the shake.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Wait, lens cap, lens cap.
RORY: Sorry.
TESS: They all do this.
LORELAI: Shake. [takes picture] Got it. Who are you?
TESS: I'm Tess, I'm Rory's freshman counselor. I'll be living in the building and be there for whatever she needs.
LORELAI: And you look twenty-one, convenient for beer runs.
TESS: I'll be giving a tour for Durfee girls you should not miss.
RORY: Oh, I know. Tour's at twelve, followed by the optional express lunch twelve to two, which is all followed by the telecommunications orientation and internet ID distribution, parents' reception eleven to one.
TESS: You memorized the schedule.
LORELAI: Yeah, she's not weird or anything, she just has a good memory.
TESS: And I see you brought your own mattress.
LORELAI: Oh, right. See, the guy. . .name, name, name. I forget his name. Three syllables. Uh, he said it was okay, and he had, like, a mustache.
TESS: It's allowed as long as you make arrangements to dispose of the one that was already there. Did you do that?
LORELAI: Yes, we did.
RORY: Yes.
TESS: Good. Get your camera ready.
LORELAI: Why?
TESS: I'm giving Rory her key.
LORELAI: Thanks for the warning. [takes picture]
TESS: See you at the tour.
RORY: Yes, Tess, thank you.
[Tess walks away]
RORY: So, she's nice.
LORELAI: Yeah. I'm dying to see your room. Come on, grab a bag.
RORY: So, you made arrangements to get rid of the old mattress?
LORELAI: Yes, I did.
RORY: Really?
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
RORY: Because it specifically says here that you're supposed to make arrangements to have the old mattress picked up before arrival.
LORELAI: Ooh, very grand.
RORY: So, what time are the mattress guys coming?
LORELAI: Uh, later today sometime.
RORY: So we have to wait in the room for them, or. . .
LORELAI: I think they just let themselves in. Here we are.
RORY: So do the mattress guys have their own key?
LORELAI: All right, I confess, I didn't call the mattress guys.
RORY: Well, what are we gonna do?
LORELAI: We'll find a dumpster.
RORY: Mom, they could trace it back to me.
LORELAI: I'll be long gone by then.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: All right, we'll burn it before we dump it. A match, a little gasoline.
RORY: We're here five minutes and we're already contemplating felonies.
[Lorelai unlocks Rory's dorm suite and they walk inside]
LORELAI: Just like I pictured it.
RORY: Did you see an emergency exit?
LORELAI: A fireplace, too! I wonder if it's woodburning.
RORY: It says here, "Upon arrival, please take note of the emergency exits."
LORELAI: Hey, hey, we could burn the mattress in there, save us a trip.
RORY: Aw, man, a piece of my map ripped off.
LORELAI: Which one's your room?
RORY: I'm missing half of the Old Campus.
LORELAI: R.G. This is it.
RORY: If I have Old Campus activities today, I'm screwed.
[they walk into Rory's bedroom]
LORELAI: Here it is. Here's where you're going to be thinking all those impressive thoughts. It's just waiting for your decorative stamp. And a little air freshener.
RORY: Where's the phone jack?
LORELAI: I don't know, Jack. Where is the pesky phone?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: You're one-note Nancy today.
RORY: Ah, here's a place to get replacement maps. Aw, holy cow, it's in Old Campus!
LORELAI: All right, that's it.
RORY: Hey, what are you doing?
LORELAI: You just missed it.
RORY: Missed what?
LORELAI: Walking into your dorm suite for the first time. Do over.
[Lorelai leads Rory back out to the hallway]
RORY: What? We're short on time here and we haven't unloaded.
LORELAI: It doesn't matter. You're gonna be in the moment.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: You're gonna be in the moment or the rest of the map gets it.
RORY: No. Okay, I'm here, I swear.
LORELAI: You're not placating me?
RORY: I'll try. Really, I'm all here.
LORELAI: Good. Oh, here's your suite.
RORY: Cool.
[they walk inside]
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: Huh?
RORY: It is cool. My own space.
LORELAI: Well, yours and P.G.'s and J.B.'s and T.S.'s.
RORY: And a fireplace. Did you see the fireplace?
LORELAI: Was this do over justified or what?
[they walk into Rory's bedroom]
RORY: You mentioned thoughts in here?
LORELAI: Mm, all the great ones you're gonna have.
RORY: And air freshener?
LORELAI: That, too.
RORY: Thanks for putting me in the moment.
LORELAI: My pleasure.
RORY: It's something I would have not wanted to miss.
LORELAI: Good. And thank you.
RORY: For what?
LORELAI: For pretending that you're not at this moment thinking about missing your tour, finding your phone jack, navigating the Old Campus.
RORY: It's my gift to you.
LORELAI: Let's go unload and get you a new map.
RORY: Bless you.
CUT TO YALE COURTYARD
[Rory is in her freshman orientation tour]
TESS: Just keep in mind, guys, the dining hall hours are cast in stone - you snooze, you lose. And it's a post-9/!! world, so your ID's are important. You'll be asked for it a lot, so always have it, always, always. It also operates the laundry machines and is also your meal card. That's right, it's practically magic, so don't lose it.
[Another tour group walks by]
TOUR GUIDE: If you're stupid enough to get ripped, I'm here to help, but I do not hold buckets, if you get my drift. Now, pay attention to street parking, it is severely restricted in most places. Walk or take the shuttle when you can.
TESS: First floor Durfee.
TOUR GUIDE: Third floor Bingham.
TESS: They're babies.
TOUR GUIDE: Tots. Third floor Bingham, through the gate, make a left.
TESS: Get an internet ID whether you think you'll use it or not. It'll be your name at yale.edu, and there's no changing what you get.
GIRL: Think there's gonna be a test?
RORY: Probably not. Oh, you were joking. Good one.
TESS: No bottlenecks, girls. There's about a hundred behind you waiting for the same stuff. Do not get precious about your ID pictures. They are what they are.
GIRL: Did you get that down? They are what they are.
RORY: I'll remember.
PHOTO GUY: Next!
GIRL: That would be you.
RORY: What?
PHOTO GUY: It's picture time.
RORY: Oh, sorry. [sits down to get her picture taken] I didn't think pictures were today. Do you mind if I take a second to -
PHOTO GUY: One thousand and one. [takes picture] Next!
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory's tour group walks into the dorm]
TESS: Always have your keys. Never open the door to someone you don't know. Walk in twos at night. That's it, any questions? Later on, you'll have questions. I'll be around. Now go do stuff.
[Rory walks into her suite. A girl follows her in and sits down in the common room. Rory goes into her bedroom, then peeks out at the girl. Lorelai enters the suite.]
LORELAI: Rory, you back?
[Lorelai goes into Rory's bedroom]
LORELAI: Who is that?
RORY: I don't know. She just followed me in here like a puppy dog without saying a word.
LORELAI: Maybe she's lost.
RORY: Or maybe she's one of my new suitemates who I'm already off to a swell start with.
LORELAI: Do you know how vulnerable you are to venereal disease?
RORY: All hail to the queen of the non-sequiturs.
LORELAI: This parent orientation I went to was a nonstop litany of the horrors awaiting college freshman. You're supposed to carry a whistle, a flashlight, a crucifix, and a loaded Glock with you at all times.
RORY: We should go out there. She'll think we're hiding.
LORELAI: Okay, just don't shake hands with her. Bacteria.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Or tell her where you live.
RORY: Too late.
LORELAI: Oh, you touched the doorknob.
RORY: Good grief.
[they open the door]
LORELAI: Say something.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Anything. Go, go.
[they walk out into the common room]
RORY: Hi.
TANNA: Hi. [pause] I'm adopted.
RORY: You're up.
LORELAI: What's your name?
TANNA: Tanna Schrick.
LORELAI: Well, Tanna Schrick, good. We're making some progress. Hi, Tanna Schrick. I'm Lorelai, this is Rory. She'll be living here, too.
RORY: We're suitemates.
TANNA: As they're ransacking your room, professional thieves typically start at the bottom drawer and work their way up. That way they don't have to close drawers before opening the next one. Saves time.
LORELAI: Okay. So, no storing your valuables in the bottom drawer. Got that, Rory? Good tip, Tanna. Thanks.
TANNA: I'm not so great at extemporaneous speaking, so I've memorized some quick conversational facts I can whip out at a moment's notice. Oh, when I get to know you better, I'll memorize some facts that are more specific to your person.
LORELAI: Tanna, how old are you?
TANNA: Sixteen.
RORY: Sixteen?
TANNA: On Tuesday.
LORELAI: Happy birthday, Doogie.
TANNA: Thank you.
LORELAI: And, uh, where are your parents?
TANNA: Oh, at the hotel. Mom's napping, Dad's getting a schvitz.
LORELAI: Okay, well, we still have some more stuff to do, but maybe your parents will be here when I get back. I'd love to meet them.
TANNA: Yeah, well, they make a very good first impression.
LORELAI: I'm sure they do. See you later, kiddo.
RORY: Bye.
TANNA: Oh, hey, um, Rory?
RORY: Yeah?
TANNA: You nervous?
RORY: Oh yeah.
TANNA: Okay, good.
[Lorelai and Rory walk out to the hallway]
LORELAI: Odd, but nice.
RORY: I'll take it.
LORELAI: So. . .this is it.
RORY: This is it.
LORELAI: Learn a lot of stuff.
RORY: I'll try.
LORELAI: And, uh, you know, keep in touch.
RORY: Well, we'll at least exchange Christmas cards.
LORELAI: With a letter detailing what's happened over the year.
RORY: And a current photo.
LORELAI: Don't joke!
RORY: You started it.
LORELAI: I was masking my pain.
RORY: You'll see plenty of me.
LORELAI: It's not enough.
RORY: How about tons?
LORELAI: That's better. I love you, did you know that?
RORY: I always suspected it.
[as they hug, someone bumps into them with a box]
LORELAI: Oh, excuse me. A little fridge.
RORY: It's
CUTe.
LORELAI: I want one.
RORY: Well, go get yourself one.
LORELAI: For you, I want one for you.
RORY: I don't need one.
LORELAI: For sodas and stuff when things are closed. Late night cram sessions.
RORY: I guess it would come in handy.
LORELAI: Oh, let's see what these people have going on. [peeks into a room]
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: A rug! A rug for your room to make it cozy. And a vase of flowers.
RORY: Well, the flowers will just die.
LORELAI: They have a vase of the most beautiful fake flowers I've ever seen. Trash cans!
RORY: Oh, you're right.
LORELAI: And a fan. I have been remiss.
RORY: No, you haven't.
LORELAI: I have got another trip to make today.
RORY: No, Mom, you've done enough today.
LORELAI: I want you fully outfitted and settled for your first night or I won't sleep.
RORY: We can get it all later.
LORELAI: No, no. Now go unpack the skimpy amount of stuff I've gotten you so far and I'll be back in a couple of hours. Copper boom.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: It's what you said to me this morning when you were trying to speed me up.
RORY: But you missed a bunch of stuff in between.
LORELAI: I think it's catchy. Go, go, unpack.
RORY: Copper boom!
LORELAI: Copper boom!
[They walk off in separate directions. Lorelai passes a guy carrying a container of stuff and she looks in it to see what he brought.]
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Copper boom!
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey, Luke. [sees three lawyers sitting at a table] Oops.
LUKE: sh**t me.
LORELAI: Now, or maybe later so you're surprised?
[Luke walks over to the table of lawyers]
MR. STEIN 1:
MR. Danes, a marriage contract is a contract just like any other.
MR. STEIN 2: As the higher wage earner, Nicole wants a fair settlement.
LUKE: But I want nothing from her, so there's nothing to settle,
MR. . . what's your name again?
MR. STEIN 1: My name is Stein.
LUKE: I thought you were Stein.
MR. STEIN 2: I'm Stein as well.
LUKE: Well, then I'm confused.
MR. BLODGETT:
MR. Danes, I'm an impatient man, I'm a busy man, I'm a sensible man, I'm a skeptical man.
LUKE: Oh, you're four different men, huh? Well, are they all named Stein, too?
MR. BLODGETT: If there's one thing I've learned in this business, it's that no one wants nothing.
MR. STEIN 2: Why won't you hire a lawyer?
LUKE: Why? Because lawyers waste time and money. They're needless middlemen who slither into people's lives when they're at their most vulnerable so they can clamp on and suck like leeches until everyone but them is distraught and penniless.
MR. STEIN 1: Well, I can see why the marriage went bad.
MR. BLODGETT: Here's fair warning,
MR. Danes - if you don't hire a lawyer, you could wind up getting absolutely nothing.
LUKE: That's what I want!
MR. STEIN 1: There he goes again.
MR. STEIN 2: Maybe we should get Sage and Albet into this.
MR. STEIN 1: Hm. Pettruccio, too.
[Luke walks over to Lorelai at the counter]
LUKE: They're gonna multiply like the matrix.
LORELAI: Oh, well. . .
[Luke brings Lorelai over to the lawyers]
LUKE: Tell them, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Huh? Tell them what?
MR. BLODGETT: Who's this?
LUKE: This is Lorelai.
MR. STEIN 1: Are you an attorney?
LUKE: No, she's carbon-based.
MR. STEIN 2: And what's her role?
LUKE: Uh, be my character witness or something.
LORELAI: Right, okay. Well, I can vouch for this man. I mean, I know he cared for Nicole, and apparently they both got a little rash. I mean, not in 'apply to affected area twice daily' rash, I mean rash in that they hastily entered into a union.
MR. BLODGETT: We know all this.
LORELAI: But if you think he married her to get something, I know that's not true. He's basically a hermit, and happy to be one. I could show you his place upstairs. I mean, you half expect Hari Krishnas to jump out of the bathroom banging tambourines. All he likes is fishing and watching baseball, and he's got a reel and he's got a TV, so he's all set. So when he says he wants nothing, I know he means it, because when I think of Luke Danes, I think nothing.
LUKE:
MR. Blodgett, Steins one and two, there you go.
MR. STEIN 1: Your choice of character witness does nothing to allay our concerns.
LORELAI: Sorry. [goes back to the counter]
MR. BLODGETT: The bottom line, time. If we do not receive a response in this matter, we're just going to have to kick this up a notch.
LUKE: Okay, there is something I want, but I've been holding back.
MR. BLODGETT: As we suspected.
MR. STEIN 2: Let's hear it.
LUKE: Okay, you know Nicole and I went on a cruise, right?
MR. STEIN 2: Oh boy.
MR. STEIN 1: Oh yeah.
LUKE: Well, the first night on the boat we, uh, went to see an act that everyone was raving about. We go in, sit down, they close the door. Turned out to be a guy playing musical drinking glasses. You know, with the half-filled cups that give off different tones. He played Mozart, and I swear I could hear Mozart banging on his coffin. Out of politeness, we stayed, and there went an hour of our lives. Next night, the sign in front of the theater said the entertainment for the night was a guy singing the songs of Sinatra. We verified with the guy at the door, the songs of Frank Sinatra, right? Not Tina, not Frank Jr., not Bill Sinatra, but Ol' Blue Eyes. "Yes," he says. "It's like Frank come to life." We go in, sit down, they close the door. Then they announce that the guy singing Sinatra is sick and the glass-playing guy is filling in. Out he comes, there's goes another hour. Next night, we meet a nice couple while walking the Lido Deck. Had some nice conversation, so we have dinner with th
MR. BLODGETT: We'll have to confer on this.
MR. STEIN 1: Maybe do a productivity study.
LUKE: Yeah, get Blobb, Fromm and Pinnuccio in there, too.
MR. BLODGETT: We'll get back to you.
LUKE: I have no doubt.
[the lawyers leave. Luke sits next to Lorelai at the counter]
LORELAI: Wow.
LUKE: I'm exhausted.
LORELAI: Sorry I barged in like that.
LUKE: Trust me, the interruption was welcome.
LORELAI: So, did you check the clock? It's not yet four.
LUKE: Rory safe and sound?
LORELAI: Safe and sound.
LUKE: And the truck?
LORELAI: Well. . .
LUKE: You wrecked it.
LORELAI: It's not wrecked.
LUKE: I don't see it.
LORELAI: It's around the corner.
LUKE: You wrecked it.
LORELAI: No, but I need to use it awhile longer.
LUKE: Because you wrecked it and it's in the shop.
LORELAI: You really can't afford to alienate your chief character witness.
[they walk outside to the truck]
LUKE: It's full of stuff.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: Why didn't you unload it?
LORELAI: I did, this is my second load.
LUKE: You didn't say anything about a second load.
LORELAI: I didn't know I had to have one 'til I realized what a piker of a mother I'd been compared to the other kids' moms.
LUKE: It's still running.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, turns out that ignition key is just as misogynistic as that stick shift of yours.
LUKE: You just have to jiggle it a little.
LORELAI: You didn't mention any jiggling.
LUKE: It's common sense.
LORELAI: Oh, that.
LUKE: Wait, why is the mattress still there?
LORELAI: Oh, that's not the mattress, that's a mattress.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Rory has the new mattress. That's the Yale-supplied mattress that has microbes in it that date back to Henry Box Brown.
LUKE: Well, what are you gonna do with it?
LORELAI: Well, I was thinking maybe you could store it for me.
LUKE: Uh, no.
LORELAI: Come on.
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Well, I can't take it back to Yale.
LUKE: I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.
LORELAI: Well, then I'm stuck here.
LUKE: Fine, because I need my truck back.
LORELAI: Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.
LUKE: I'm not taking the mattress.
LORELAI: Then let me take the truck.
LUKE: But that means you take the mattress.
LORELAI: I can't take the mattress.
LUKE: Then you can't have the truck.
LORELAI: But that sticks you with the mattress.
LUKE: If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.
LORELAI: I can't take the mattress.
LUKE: Then you can't have the truck.
LORELAI: And that sticks you with the mattress.
LUKE: We've been here before.
LORELAI: I recognize that tree.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory is in her bedroom unpacking. There's a knock at the door]
RORY: Come on in.
[Tanna walks in]
TANNA: Um, another suitemate has arrived.
RORY: Oh yeah?
TANNA: Yeah. She's a little weird. Um, I've already forgotten her name. I'm a disaster with names.
RORY: That's okay.
TANNA: It's the name of a city, like Athens or Rome or something.
PARIS: [from the common room] I'm sure things can be rearranged. I mean, why not? It's a dorm, you're supposed to.
TERRENCE: Let it go.
[Rory and Tanna walk out to the common room]
RORY: Paris?
TANNA: Yeah, that's it.
PARIS: How shocked are you?
RORY: Do you have a resuscitator?
PARIS: I'm going to Yale.
RORY: You're going to Yale.
PARIS: And we're suitemates.
RORY: Of all the gin joints.
PARIS: Give me a hug! Wait. Give me a hug!
RORY: This is a massively big surprise.
PARIS: I was gonna call and then I thought, hey, let's wait and just be right in her face.
RORY: I can't even feel my face anymore.
PARIS: This is a good thing.
RORY: No, yes, it's definitely a good thing. It's just, again, my nose. . .it feels like clay.
PARIS: Oh, uh, this is Terrence.
RORY: Hello.
TERRENCE: It's nice to finally meet you, Rory.
PARIS: Terrence is my life coach.
RORY: Your what?
PARIS: Don't judge.
RORY: I'm not.
PARIS: Remember my nanny? I lost her over the summer.
RORY: I'm sorry, what happened?
PARIS: She opened a pupuseria in Boise.
RORY: So she's okay?
PARIS: Yeah, but I was pretty lost. Then my rabbi conferred with my therapist who said a hypnotist he knew thought a life coach would be right for me, and that led me to Terrence. He's here to assist me with whatever I need assistance in, from wardrobe to diet to finding me a kick-ass gynecologist.
RORY: That's great, Paris, really.
PARIS: He's done so much for my people skills. I can cope with the little annoyances now. [to Tanna] For instance, the old Paris would've been bothered by your penchant to hover. It would've made her wanna ring your neck until your eyeballs popped out.
TANNA: Oh.
PARIS: But now, I accept it because I can't control everything. Paris Gellar.
RORY: That's Tanna.
TANNA: In medieval times, surnames often reflected a person's origin or occupation so they were descriptive as well as utilitarian.
PARIS: And what does Tanna mean?
TANNA: Nothing.
PARIS: We're gonna have some fun this year.
TANNA: Thank you.
PARIS: How's your face?
RORY: Better, thanks.
PARIS: Is that my room?
RORY: If your initials are P.G., it is.
[Paris checks the room out]
PARIS: Terrence, I got my southern exposure.
TERRENCE: I'm a happy camper.
RORY: So, weird, weird coincidence that we're roommates like this, huh?
PARIS: Not really. I told Terrence all about our history and he felt very strongly that our life journey was not complete, so my dad made a call.
CUT TO FRONT OF YALE
[Luke and Lorelai pull up in Luke's truck]
LORELAI: Luke, this was so nice of you, giving me a hand like this. It was above and beyond the call of duty.
LUKE: Don't start this again.
LORELAI: I'm not starting anything.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: I mean, if you just had stored the mattress. . .
LUKE: That's where we're not starting.
LORELAI: What? It was your choice to come along.
LUKE: I wanted the safe return of my truck without the mattress guaranteed. This was the only way.
LORELAI: You know, I miss our friendship. We used to be so close. The summers at the lake. . .
LUKE: Let's just move along here, okay?
[Tess walks over to them]
TESS: Hi, there.
LUKE: Hello.
TESS: Is that your mattress?
LUKE: Well, uh, yeah.
TESS: Hm. Tag has a Yale stamp.
LUKE: Oh, well, when I said it was mine, it's not mine. It belongs in the dorm. We were just driving it around New Haven for awhile.
TESS: Uh huh.
LUKE: To air it out.
TESS: Oh, okay.
LUKE: We're gonna take it right back in.
TESS: Great. [walks away]
LUKE: Thanks for jumping in.
LORELAI: You seemed to have a handle on it.
LUKE: What do we do now?
LORELAI: Unload. [walks away]
LUKE: With the mattress. What do we do with the mattress?
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory greets Lorelai at the door to her suite]
LORELAI: Hi.
RORY: Saw you coming.
LORELAI: What's up?
RORY: You just have to see it.
[they walk inside]
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Paris?
RORY: And Terrence, her life coach.
LORELAI: Like on Oprah?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Yes. They're setting up her crafts' corner.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Yes.
PARIS: Lorelai!
LORELAI: Hi, Paris. It's so good to see you.
PARIS: Same here. Terrence, this is Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hi, Terrence.
TERRENCE: Nice to meet you finally.
LORELAI: Finally?
PARIS: You and I have a bit of a journey left to finish as well.
LORELAI: I'll clear my schedule.
PARIS: I was just setting up my craft corner. Some mosaic tiles, some colored beads. Still kind of kids' stuff, but Terrence showed me how working with my hands could help with my nerves.
TANNA: Oh, where are we gonna put the couch?
PARIS: Why don't you just -
TERRENCE: Paris. . .
PARIS: Come on, Terrence.
TERRENCE: Two steps forward, three steps back.
PARIS: But she was baiting me.
TERRENCE: Fish can choose not to bite.
PARIS: We'll figure it out.
[Luke comes to the door]
LUKE: This the place?
LORELAI: This is the place.
[Luke starts pulling the mattress into the room]
LORELAI: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, hold it a minute! You can't bring that thing in here.
LUKE: Well, I'm not taking it back out. Hi, Rory.
RORY: Hi, Luke.
LORELAI: No, we're unloading bags and boxes first.
LUKE: Look, that Tess already had her antennae up about the mattress and she wouldn't stop watching me, so I had to do something.
LORELAI: Well, wait until she's gone and then bring it back out.
LUKE: It's heavy. The only way I got it into the building is with help from Chip - his real name, believe it or not. Now I have to go help him unload his stuff because that was the deal.
LORELAI: No, you don't. Blow him off. He's probably busy taping his Carmen Electra poster up on the ceiling above his bed.
LUKE: The mattress stays. Now if you'll excuse me, Chip is waiting. [leaves]
PARIS: Oh no! My glue g*n leaked on my macaroni!
TERRENCE: Compartmentalize. . . and breathe.
RORY: Let's get this thing out of the hallway.
LORELAI: Hey, uh, I got a crisp Benjamin Franklin for anyone willing to disappear a mattress, no questions asked.
RORY: Start pushing.
LORELAI: Anyone? Two Benjamins? Hold on.
CUT TO DORM HALLWAY
[Lorelai and Rory walk out of the suite toward the exit doors]
LORELAI: Anything else you need, you'll write it down, okay?
RORY: I've got more than I need. Stuff I don't need.
LORELAI: It's all necessary stuff.
RORY: The disco ball?
LORELAI: You cannot host your much-anticipated Salute to Barry White Night without a disco ball.
RORY: I forgot I was anticipating that. Where's Luke?
LORELAI: He's already out at the truck. So, this is it.
RORY: This is really it.
LORELAI: Learn a lot of stuff.
RORY: I'll try.
LORELAI: You'll be a frequent visitor?
RORY: I'll be a frequent visitor.
LORELAI: You can use the washer and the dryer.
RORY: I don't need any inducement.
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: But don't you get rid of that washer and dryer.
LORELAI: I won't. Ciao, baby.
RORY: Bye, Mom.
[Lorelai leaves. Rory walks back into her room and sits on her bed]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Luke and Lorelai arrive back in town]
LUKE: So Chip is like, "Set your side down first" and I'm like, "My side's the side with the leg missing. It's gonna collapse. You put your side down first" and he's like, "I'm losing my grip", which was his excuse with everything we carried in - the TV, the stereo speakers. And I was like -
LORELAI: Oh my God, will you, like, get over this?
[Lorelai's pager goes off]
LUKE: What's that?
LORELAI: It's my pager. [checks it] Oh no.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: "Come back."
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It's from Rory. It says "Come back" with about a dozen exclamation points. Uh, move, move.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I gotta borrow your truck.
LUKE: No way.
LORELAI: I gotta go back.
LUKE: Well, then take your own car. Remember that concept?
LORELAI: No, it'll take too long to walk back to get it. Plus, I'm out of gas. Plus, it's been making weird noises and probably can't take a long trip. Please, Luke?
LUKE: I need my truck.
LORELAI: I need it more.
LUKE: You've had it all day.
LORELAI: Don't you care about Rory?
LUKE: Of course I care about Rory. [sighs] Have it back by seven.
LORELAI: Thanks, Luke.
[Luke gets out of the truck and Lorelai slides over to the driver's side. She shifts the gear and the truck rolls back a little]
LORELAI: Ooh!
LUKE: That's reverse.
LORELAI: I know. [she drives off]
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory is sitting on her bed when Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Rory?
[Rory jumps up and hugs her]
LORELAI: Oh, whoa, oh, honey, honey.
RORY: Look at this, look at this.
LORELAI: Look at what?
RORY: Four hours at Yale and I'm already homesick.
LORELAI: Well, that's okay.
RORY: All I could think of the minute you left was "I want my mommy." I haven't thought that since I was two.
LORELAI: That's natural.
RORY: I'm eighteen. I can sign contracts, I can vote, I can fight for my country. I mean, I'm an adult. Adults don't want their mommies.
LORELAI: Yes, they do, honey. I'm not a good example, but -
RORY: Everything's so foreign. I have to share a bathroom. I've never shared a bathroom with anyone but you. So I'm gonna be running into people in the bathroom, we're gonna have to make small talk. I don't know any bathroom small talk.
LORELAI: Um. . .gee, your hair smells terrific?
RORY: You didn't socialize me properly. You made me a mama's girl. Why don't I hate you? Why don't I want to be away from you? It's going to be very hard to be Christiane Amanpour broadcasting live from a foxhole in Tehran with my mommy. I guess you're just gonna have to learn how to operate a camera 'cause I'll need you there with me.
LORELAI: I would do that.
RORY: And how did I end up at Yale? I mean, I let Grandma and Grandpa manipulate me right out of Harvard and into Yale. That's how strong-willed I am. I know nothing about Yale.
LORELAI: Not so - you've memorized its entire history.
RORY: How can you be so fine with this? You left here without a care in the world.
LORELAI: That's not true.
RORY: You couldn't wait for me to get out of the house. What were you doing when I paged you - turning my room into a sewing room? I should hate you, not miss you. Do something to make me hate you.
LORELAI: Uh. . .go h*tler!
RORY: Check this out.
LORELAI: Your student ID?
RORY: I'm blinking and my head's in a funny place.
LORELAI: No, it's not.
RORY: I look like Keith Richards at Altamont. And check out the name.
LORELAI: Ronny Gilmore. Oops.
RORY: Yeah, oops. I don't even exist. And how did they get Ronny? That's not even remotely close to being short for any girl's name in the history of the entire planet.
LORELAI: Well, Veronica, actually. . .sorry.
RORY: Great, now I have you apologizing to me after I made you come back all this way just 'cause I'm a big fat stinkin' mama's girl. Mom! [hugs her]
LORELAI: I'm here.
RORY: But you're not supposed to be.
LORELAI: Where is it written?
RORY: Well, it's not exactly written, but it's clearly implied that the parents are supposed to leave the campus at some point.
LORELAI: Yeah, at some point. So we choose the point.
RORY: So can you stay for dinner?
LORELAI: I can stay all night.
RORY: No, you can't do that.
LORELAI: Why not?
RORY: Because then I'm the pathetic person who needs her mother to stay all night and everyone here will see and know that.
LORELAI: Okay, so I won't spend the night.
RORY: No, stay the night. [hugs her]
LORELAI: Okay.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Lorelai walks into the common room carrying some takeout.]
LORELAI: I've got Balinese. Where does Bali go?
PARIS: We're still putting everything in geographic order. East to west.
LORELAI: That's the system. Where is Bali?
RORY: Indonesia.
PARIS: Is Indonesia east or west of the Philippines?
TANNA: East.
RORY: No, west.
LORELAI: Near Singapore? We've got Singapore here somewhere.
TANNA: Find Sri Lanka, it's a bit over from that.
LORELAI: But there's no Sri Lankan food.
RORY: Just put it by Vietnam.
PARIS: Is Vietnam east or west of the Philippines?
LORELAI: Ooh, boy, you guys really need to go to college.
RORY: We ordered too much food.
LORELAI: Hello, the point. We need a wide cross section for our local takeout test.
TANNA: I still smell glue from your glue g*n.
PARIS: You're rich, you know that?
LORELAI: What is this? You've eaten Indian food, yet I see nothing about Indian food on the chart.
RORY: We'll get to it.
LORELAI: The whole point of getting everything within delivery distance is so we can judge the quality of food, speed of service,
CUTeness of delivery guys on a scale of one to ten. We cannot work from memory on this.
[the phone rings]
RORY: Where's the phone?
PARIS: Uh, under Mexico.
LORELAI: I bet it's the pizza. Come help.
RORY: Okay.
[Lorelai and Rory walk outside to get the pizza delivery]
LORELAI: Hello, eight and a half.
PIZZA GUY: I'm sorry?
RORY: Nothing. We just need to sign for the credit card?
PIZZA GUY: Yes.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[they take the pizzas and walk back toward the suite]
RORY: We're four people and we ordered for like four hundred.
LORELAI: So, what you're saying is you wanna crank it up? You wanna set it off? You wanna put a match to the keg and burn this mofo down?
RORY: I'm just saying it's a lot of food.
LORELAI: Attention, Durfee girls!
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Food and tons of it in suite five. Bring your appetites, bring your opinions, and, uh, hey, someone bring some music, but if it's Evanescence, you will be severely mocked. Enter, rejoice and come in.
[Other girls from the floor start walking into the suite]
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Later that night, the suite is filled with girls. Lorelai walks out of the suite to get another food delivery]
LORELAI: Oh, hey, ice cream man.
ICE CREAM MAN: Hey.
LORELAI: Here you go.
ICE CREAM MAN: Thanks. Have a nice night.
LORELAI: You, too. Ooh, um, do me a favor? Count to ten before you leave.
ICE CREAM MAN: Sure.
LORELAI: Thanks.
[Lorelai walks back into the suite]
LORELAI: Hey, rate him, rate him!
[several girls rush to the window to see the delivery boy]
LORELAI: Hey, where does ice cream stand on our organizational system?
RORY: Our organizational system broke down about an hour ago.
TANNA: Germany fell on China.
LORELAI: Well, that's Germany for ya. Okay, we're out of Chinese completely, so we know Chinese is popular. Freddy's Happy Tokyo Takeout is a bust. That's the consensus, so let's lose the Freddy's menus, although Ang the delivery guy was a solid nine. If you're gonna go to Baja Bill's, you must get the cheese quesadilla, and ask for Stan or Tommy. If you don't get Stan or Tommy, go to Paco's Tacos. The delivery guys are butt ugly but the food is better. Look at all these girls together in one room having fun. We should dance and sing a Motown song into our hairbrushes. [walks away]
PARIS: So, do you like your adoptive parents?
TANNA: Yeah.
PARIS: I think it's good to be adopted. If you get sick of them, you just dump this set and go find the originals.
[a girl walks up to Rory]
GIRL: This is awesome.
RORY: Thanks.
GIRL: Who did all this?
RORY: The woman with the hairbrush.
LORELAI: Uh, you guys, come on. I know it's cheesy but just a couple bars. . . You Can't Hurry Love? Someone's gotta do it, it doesn't have to be on key.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[That night, Rory and Paris are in their bedroom. Paris is on the phone]
PARIS: [on phone] It's lacking in storage space, but I've accepted it. It's a bit musty, but I've accepted it. Small. Small, but I've accepted it. Hey, listen, I should be going. Jamie, Terrence is not here, he's back in his room. Oh, right, me and Terrence, that's a possibility. I really gotta go, okay? I will. Good night. [hangs up]
RORY: Has he met Terrence?
PARIS: Nope, and he's not going to for as long as I can help it.
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: I fixed your shower head.
RORY: Really? But it was barely dribbling out.
LORELAI: It just needed a twist. You've got a waterfall now.
RORY: You're so handy.
LORELAI: And my rates are reasonable.
PARIS: My turn?
LORELAI: It's all yours.
[Paris leaves]
RORY: No, Mom, you sleep on the new mattress.
LORELAI: But it's yours.
RORY: Well, they're both mine, so I get to choose. I'll sleep on the Yale mattress.
LORELAI: But you have to break in your new mattress. If it molds to my body, your shorter body will be wallowing in the hollowness of my body.
RORY: In one night?
LORELAI: It's the crucial night, that first night.
RORY: Okay, but my offer still stands, so if you get the heebie-jeebies in the middle of the night over there, come join me.
LORELAI: That'll get the girls talking. We'll be those dirty, filthy, almost-French Stars Hollow girls. [in French accent] Oh, we spit on you, you repressed puritanical ninnies.
RORY: [in French accent] We smirk in your general direction.
LORELAI: [in French accent] We cast sidelong glances that are vague but slightly thr*at.
RORY: [in French accent] We eschew your quaint double entendre for the appealing lasciviousness of the entendre singular.
LORELAI: We. . .eh. . .I'm out.
RORY: Me, too. Get the light.
LORELAI: Did I tell you I found good coffee?
RORY: No, where?
LORELAI: The little kiosk by the library. I found it on the way to that parents thing.
RORY: Cool.
LORELAI: I'll circle it on the map for you.
RORY: Good.
[they hear a howling sound]
LORELAI: Is that some guy howling?
RORY: I don't know, sounded like it.
[they hear another howl]
LORELAI: Sounds like the guys' floor had some fun tonight, too.
RORY: I'd say so.
[there's another howl; Lorelai responds with a howl]
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Well, if no one answers him, he may never stop.
[several guys start howling]
LORELAI: Or it'll get a bunch of other guys howling, one or the other. [howls again]
RORY: Oh, boy.
LORELAI: It's fun.
[Rory howls]
RORY: It is fun.
[they both howl]
LORELAI: What?
RORY: I don't know.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[The next morning, Lorelai and Rory walk out of Rory's bedroom]
LORELAI: So, what's first on the agenda today?
RORY: Well, I have a little time, so I thought I might walk around and get the lay of the land a little bit, and then I have my big freshman assembly.
LORELAI: Where they teach you the secret Yale handshake?
RORY: Amongst other things.
LORELAI: Oh my God, check out Paris' craft corner.
RORY: She gets more done before nine than other people do all day.
LORELAI: She's a craft person now, so it's not safe to leave anything around her anymore.
RORY: Maybe that's where crafty comes from.
LORELAI: Good point.
[they walk out into the hallway]
LORELAI: All right, I should go. I called Luke last night and he made me promise to get the truck back by two hours ago, so if I leave now it's sooner than I planned.
RORY: Thank Luke a lot for me, okay?
LORELAI: Okay, say goodbye to Paris and Tanna.
RORY: Will do.
LORELAI: So, this is really it.
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: You good?
RORY: I'm good. Just keep your pager with you.
LORELAI: Always.
[they hug, Lorelai leaves]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks in]
LUKE: You're late.
LORELAI: I'm sorry.
LUKE: It's okay. I told you to get it back three hours before I actually needed it back and it worked out perfectly.
LORELAI: You rat.
LUKE: So it's in park?
LORELAI: It's in park.
LUKE: Engine's off?
LORELAI: Yes. Here are your keys. And thank you, Luke. I've been a huge burden on you the past couple days.
LUKE: It's okay. [he looks out the window] I don't believe it.
[They walk outside to the truck. The Yale mattress is in the back]
LUKE: It's like a horror movie.
LORELAI: Oh, Luke.
LUKE: The mattress that would not leave my truck.
LORELAI: I had no choice.
LUKE: I may cry.
LORELAI: Don't do that.
LUKE: I don't want this mattress.
LORELAI: Help me take it somewhere.
LUKE: Where? To the conveniently located old mattress drop-off station right around the corner?
LORELAI: Or if you could store it for awhile. . .
LUKE: I wasn't kidding about the crying.
LORELAI: I'll call a charity and have them come pick it up. I promise, and this time I mean it.
LUKE: And where's my spare tire?
LORELAI: There was a spare tire?
LUKE: I had my spare tire back here.
LORELAI: Oh, we must've accidentally unloaded it on one of our trips.
LUKE: Could you try to get it back?
LORELAI: Yes, as long as Paris hasn't made it into a planter yet. Or I'll buy you a new one, I promise.
LUKE: Okay, I'll see you later.
LORELAI: Okay, bye. Oh, and, um, Rory says thanks for everything, too. She said specifically to tell you.
LUKE: Okay, good. So she's okay?
LORELAI: She's fantastic.
LUKE: Good.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[There's knock on Rory's suite door. She answers it; two girls are there]
GIRL 1: You're up?
RORY: I was up. Come on in.
GIRL 1: We Lorelai'd a few places and found the good coffee.
RORY: Lorelai'd?
GIRL 2: Checked places out.
GIRL 1: Seems like the appropriate word. We found decent muffins, too, but I bet there's better out there.
RORY: You'll Lorelai 'em another time.
GIRL 1: [hands her a coffee] So this is thanks for last night. It was a perfect first night at Yale.
RORY: I thought so.
GIRL 2: We're gonna go to freshman assembly together. Do you wanna come?
RORY: Sure.
GIRL 1: Then we're all going to conveniently lose our student ID's and go take new pictures.
RORY: Oh my God, I'm so with you on that one.
GIRL 1: Cool.
RORY: [sips coffee] Mm. Whoa, this is really good. Kiosk by the library?
GIRL 1: Oh, you found it first.
RORY: Kind of.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks into the empty house. She stands in the living room and looks around.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x02 - The Lorelais First Day at Yale"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Matthew Diamond
transcript by Stacy with assistance by Canopus
OPEN AT YALE DORM
[There's a knock on the door of Rory's suite. Rory opens it and Lorelai is there, holding a box and a rolled-up rug]
LORELAI: Hey, you know what's great about you going off to college?
RORY: My newfound independence?
LORELAI: Oh, no. My new batch of youth-oriented catalogs. For example, where on Earth could I put this fabulous purple flowered rug? It's so young and cool but doesn't really go with my room, so. . .
RORY: My room.
LORELAI: Ooh! The matching beanbag chair arrives next week.
RORY: I love it when you miss me.
LORELAI: Oh, it's not that I miss you. It's just since you've been gone, I finally realized how the living room stayed so clean.
RORY: Mmhmm. What do you think?
LORELAI: It works.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: You're welcome. So, Sookie sent marshmallow cookies, Luke sent muffins, and I got you a copy of the Stars Hollow Gazette.
RORY: You don't have to bring that to me anymore. I subscribed.
LORELAI: You subscribed to the Stars Hollow Gazette? The editor of the Stars Hollow Gazette does not subscribe to the Stars Hollow Gazette.
RORY: I didn't want to get cut off from the town.
LORELAI: That's very sweet of you. Hey, you wanna grab some coffee before I head back?
RORY: Can't.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: It's shopping week.
LORELAI: Isn't it always?
RORY: The first week of school is called shopping week. You get to try out as many classes as you want before you pick the ones you want to stick with for the semester. I picked over fifty classes I'm gonna try out, plus another ten I'm gonna squeeze in if I have the time. They all sound completely amazing. I stayed up all night reading the class subscriptions over and over.
LORELAI: You do know that if you weren't so pretty, you would've gotten the crap kicked out of you every day of your life.
RORY: Walk me out?
LORELAI: Because you need the protection. Hey, what time's your first class?
RORY: Oh, you know, soon.
LORELAI: Uh oh.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You're not gonna rush to your first class and get there like an hour early, are you?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: You are.
RORY: I am not.
LORELAI: When you started elementary school, you told me the teacher wanted to meet all the parents at 6:30, and when we got there, the school wasn't open yet.
RORY: I did that once.
LORELAI: No, you got away with it once. You tried it every year.
RORY: I'm not gonna be early.
LORELAI: You know, if you took all the time you wasted being early for things. . . [she looks around the room]
RORY: What?
LORELAI: My mother was here.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: My mother - she was here. I can feel it.
RORY: Grandma hasn't been here.
LORELAI: Smell that?
RORY: Smell what?
LORELAI: The room - it smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5.
RORY: Mom, I'm telling you, you're wrong.
LORELAI: You put the coffee table like that?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Ha!
RORY: I have three other roommates. One of them probably did it.
LORELAI: Three roommates?
RORY: Yup.
LORELAI: When'd the other one come?
RORY: Last night. Her name's Janet.
LORELAI: What's she like?
RORY: She jogs.
LORELAI: Enough said.
RORY: Come on, let's go.
LORELAI: You seriously don't smell that?
RORY: We can get one cup of coffee, and then I have to get to class.
LORELAI: I knew you were early.
RORY: I'm not that early.
[they walk out of the room. Lorelai sticks her head back in and sniffs]
[opening credits]
CUT TO YALE CLASSROOM
[Rory walks into an empty classroom and sits down. She's very early for her class. She starts to leave, but another student walks in, so she stays. A teacher walks in and hands out some papers]
TEACHER: Freshmen.
CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Sookie are sitting at the kitchen table going over some paperwork.]
LORELAI: Sign and date.
SOOKIE: Signing and dating.
LORELAI: Oh, do you have your last check stub?
SOOKIE: Yeah. Uh, here. Oh, remember that?
LORELAI: Income.
SOOKIE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Those were the days, huh? Okay, my hand is cramping, and I'm done signing now.
JACKSON: Sookie, can you hand me that screwdriver?
LORELAI: Oh, hey, um, tomorrow we have to meet with Ted Oldaman and get our liability insurance instated before we can break ground on the inn. And that reminds me. . .um, Tom sent over the initial proposal for the work.
SOOKIE: How much?
LORELAI: I'll tell you later.
SOOKIE: When?
LORELAI: After you blow.
SOOKIE: Come on.
LORELAI: Once you have the baby, then you can have the cow.
JACKSON: Okay, I think I got it.
SOOKIE: Is it really that much?
JACKSON: Here. I'm going to the nursery.
LORELAI: Uh, it's $20,000 more than we thought.
SOOKIE: $20,000? That sucks.
LORELAI: I got the chimney report back.
SOOKIE: Oh, sh**t.
[Jackson's voice comes over a speaker]
JACKSON: Hello? Hello?
LORELAI: What is that?
SOOKIE: Jackson. He's trying to hook up the house's central sound system to the baby monitor.
JACKSON: I am in the baby's room. I repeat, I am in the baby's room. Copy that.
LORELAI: This is probably the cutest creepy thing he's done yet.
JACKSON: Can anyone hear me? I repeat, can anyone hear me?
LORELAI: Yes, Jackson!
SOOKIE: You're supposed to use the walkie-talkie. [she speaks into the walkie talkie] Roger, roger, Jackson. We're receiving some feedback. I repeat, we're receiving some feed-
JACKSON: Hello? Sookie?
SOOKIE: Jackson, I'm receiving feed-
JACKSON: Do you hear me? Sookie?
SOOKIE: Yes, I can hear you. I -
JACKSON: Sookie, just tell me if you can hear me.
SOOKIE: Jackson, I can hear. . .I can hear you just fine!
LORELAI: Oh yeah, this system's gonna work great.
JACKSON: Why aren't you using the walkie-talkie?
SOOKIE: It's not working.
JACKSON: Here.
SOOKIE: Hey, you know, I had a thought.
LORELAI: Yes?
SOOKIE: Well, obviously, it's gonna take some time to get the inn up and running, right?
LORELAI: Right.
SOOKIE: And until we do, we have absolutely no money coming in whatsoever.
LORELAI: So it's a happy thought.
SOOKIE: What do you think about starting a catering company?
LORELAI: A catering company.
SOOKIE: Yeah. You could plan the events, decorations, themes, and I can cook.
LORELAI: Well. . .
SOOKIE: And it wouldn't be for very long - just until the baby came.
LORELAI: Yes, but. . .
JACKSON: Okay, here.
LORELAI: Sookie, I'm not really a party planner. I've never done that.
SOOKIE: What are you talking about? You put on all those beautiful weddings at the inn. And the conventions -- the men in the hats and the buttons.
LORELAI: Yes, but I had a staff at the inn and I had resources.
SOOKIE: Oh, come on. It'll be so fun to work together again. Just think about it.
LORELAI: Fine, I'll think about it.
SOOKIE: Good.
LORELAI: How long do I have to think about it?
SOOKIE: About a week.
LORELAI: Sookie.
SOOKIE: Helen Thompson's son, Aaron, is having a birthday party and she asked me to cater, and I suggested that you plan it. She thought it was a fabulous idea. So she offered us the job and I just took it. It's Thursday. She wanted to do it on Aaron's actual birthday and I thought that was so sweet. Helen's like that, you know?
LORELAI: Yes, I know.
SOOKIE: I can call her right now and tell her no if that's what you want. I mean it, you say the word and it's off. Maybe we could just try this one just to see if you like it. Maybe.
JACKSON: Okay, Sookie, can you hear me now? Hello?
SOOKIE: Jackson, I can hear you.
JACKSON: Use the monitor!
SOOKIE: Sorry!
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory walks into the dorm. Another student rushes past her]
STUDENT: Russian economics sucks.
RORY: I will make a note.
[Rory walks into her suite to find the common room completely redecorated]
RORY: Tanna? Tanna?
TANNA: What?
RORY: Where did this come from?
TANNA: What?
RORY: This - the furniture, the couch, the chairs, the rug.
TANNA: I don't know. It must've been here when I got back.
[Rory's cell phone rings]
RORY: [answers] Hello?
EMILY: I was going to wait until you called me, but my life isn't as long as yours. Did you sit on the couch?
RORY: The couch?
EMILY: I didn't want to get it too soft because I knew you would be studying there as well as watching television, and you would need a little bit of support.
RORY: You did this?
EMILY: Of course I did it. My granddaughter's a Yalie now. She needs to live like a Yalie.
RORY: But how? When?
EMILY: I snuck in yesterday when you were in classes just to measure to make sure everything would fit. Then I had to butter up your dippy freshman counselor so she'd let the movers in. Did you look in the entertainment center yet?
RORY: No. Oh.
EMILY: That's a plasma TV with a VCR and a DVD player. There's also a five-CD changer and a turntable, and the whole thing is wired in 5.1 surround sound. Now I have no idea what that means, but the man who installed it said to get Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. It's supposed to be amazing.
RORY: Grandma, this is all really sweet, but I have roommates, you know? And this might make them a little uncomfortable.
EMILY: Uncomfortable about what?
RORY: Well, um, this is a common room. It is common to all of us.
EMILY: Mmhmm.
RORY: Four of us who live here. There are four of us who live here together. And the common room. . .it's what we all have in common.
EMILY: Oh, just show them how to use the remote. I'm sure they'll be fine with everything.
RORY: Grandma, I worry that by you giving me all these things, it kind of makes it my room.
EMILY: Exactly.
RORY: What?
EMILY: Never underestimate the value of the upper hand, Rory. You are in the real world now. Status matters.
RORY: But -
EMILY: Your grandfather and I are very proud of you. Enjoy the furniture. We'll see you on Friday.
RORY: Okay, see you Friday. [hangs up] My grandmother broke into our room and furnished it.
TANNA: Did she put that fireplace in, too?
RORY: No, Tanna, the fireplace was always. . . hey, why don't we take a little tour of the place, okay?
TANNA: Great.
RORY: Yeah.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai enters the house carrying some takeout. She goes into the kitchen, grabs a plate and a napkin, then heads to the living room. She grabs the cordless phone, and as she sits down on the couch, it rings]
LORELAI: [answers phone] They burnt my fries, forgot to give me an extra side of barbecue sauce, the jeep is making that crunchy sound again, and I have to spend my evening making elf ears for Aaron Thompson's Lord of the Rings party.
RORY: Grandma broke into my dorm and redid the entire common room in $25,000 worth of furniture and stereo equipment.
LORELAI: You win.
RORY: It's unbelievable. You should see this place. I feel like I'm at Uday's house.
LORELAI: Okay, tell me the whole story.
RORY: I came home and all the normal furniture was gone and all this stuff was in here.
LORELAI: What did your roommates say?
RORY: Tanna still doesn't know she's at Yale, Paris saw it and said nothing.
LORELAI: Oh, so that's coming.
RORY: Janet's out jogging so I don't know what she thinks, but I have to hope she's pleased 'cause that girl's in shape and can kick my butt.
LORELAI: Well, just make sure there's something she likes on the TV when she gets home. Something soothing to runners - maybe something that goes in a circle over and over.
RORY: This is bad. This is a total invasion of privacy.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: She didn't even ask. She got rid of everything that was in here. What if some of that furniture belonged to someone and they wanted it? I don't know what she was thinking.
LORELAI: She was thinking, "Rory's life - mine. Must cover with chenille."
RORY: I can't believe she did this.
LORELAI: Oh, yes, you can.
RORY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Well, Rory, come on, it's my mother. It's Emily Gilmore. This is what she does. You've seen her pull stunts like this on me for years.
RORY: Yeah, but that was you.
LORELAI: I told you when you borrowed that money from her that this is what you were getting into.
RORY: I can't believe you're gloating.
LORELAI: I'm not gloating. I'm just saying, when you sleep with dogs, you wake up with an entertainment center.
RORY: Fine, so what do I do?
LORELAI: Well, you could come out and say, "Grandma, this furniture is very nice. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a dorm room, and I cannot guarantee that the other people will love it as much as I do, and I worry about expensive equipment getting stolen, and it's just maybe too much right now."
RORY: That sounds good.
LORELAI: Okay. And then my mother will say, "Rory, your grandfather and I are paying for you to go to Yale. We are enabling you to have this rarefied education, and you're being ungrateful and small-minded, and I resent it. I am hurt on a level you will not be able to understand until you yourself have a daughter or a granddaughter who will cut your heart out the way you've just cut mine out, and I hope that small veneer of independence that you've extracted from this incident is worth the complete and total alienation of the grandparents who have done nothing but love you and thought of you only."
RORY: Or I could keep the furniture.
LORELAI: Yes, you could.
RORY: This is great.
LORELAI: Hon, seriously, if you feel strongly, say something. I just want you to be prepared, that's all.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: And take heart in knowing that when it comes to controlling a person, my mother targeted my soul, my independence, and my entire future, and at least with you, she threw in an ottoman.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Richard arrives home and walks to the living room where Emily is looking through swatches of fabric]
RICHARD: Emily? I'm home.
EMILY: I keep wanting to give this room a little spruce, but for the life of me, every one of these fabrics gives me a headache. What do you think of this one?
RICHARD: Hm? It's fine.
EMILY: Well, that's just the sort of enthusiasm I was looking for.
RICHARD: Emily, you have excellent taste. I'm sure whichever one you pick will look lovely.
EMILY: Do you need some ice?
RICHARD: Uh, no. A taller glass.
EMILY: You sound tired.
RICHARD: It's been a very long day.
EMILY: You know, some men retire.
RICHARD: Yes, and some men tattoo their mother's names on their biceps.
EMILY: I don't think the two are necessarily linked.
RICHARD: I'm fine, Emily. I just need a drink and a nice meal, and I'll be good as new.
EMILY: You got a call from Jason Stiles today.
RICHARD: Digger Stiles? What did he want?
EMILY: To talk to you.
RICHARD: I have nothing to say to him.
EMILY: He might have something interesting to tell you.
RICHARD: What - that the turncoat company I used to work for is cutting my pension? That the stock they gave me when they unceremoniously forced me out has been rescinded?
EMILY: Yes. That, or hello.
RICHARD: He's probably been sent to do his father's dirty work. It's not enough to f*re me, they have to continue to harass me now that I'm gone.
EMILY: I thought you always liked Digger.
RICHARD: Yes, I liked Digger when he was fetching my coffee. I liked Digger when he was refilling my stapler. But I do not like Digger now that he is his father's heir apparent and sent to annoy me. And I certainly don't understand your need to defend him.
EMILY: I'm not defending him. If you don't want to return the boy's call, don't return his call.
RICHARD: Thank you.
EMILY: I invited him over tomorrow anyway. You can find out what he wants then.
RICHARD: You did what?
EMILY: Well, he was absolutely insistent that he talk to you.
RICHARD: Why would you do that?
EMILY: It was the polite thing to do. If you don't want him to come over, I have his number. You may call him and disinvite him. It's up to you.
RICHARD: Fine, he can come over, but he is not staying for a drink. He can come in and deliver his message and then leave.
EMILY: Whatever you say.
RICHARD: That's it - no drink, no handshake, nothing.
EMILY: I'll even hide the liquor bottles so he doesn't get any bright ideas.
RICHARD: It's extremely comforting to have such a supportive wife in times like these.
EMILY: I'm so glad.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory is on the couch in the common room when Paris walks in]
PARIS: Did you hear?
RORY: Hear what?
PARIS: The first party of the year is going to be on our floor.
RORY: Oh yeah?
PARIS: Technically, it's to celebrate the first week of classes, but I'm anticipating the themes quickly degenerating to "Hey, walking works -- let's drink." The important thing is that this party, the first party, is going to be on our floor. Our floor.
RORY: Yes, our floor.
PARIS: Anyhow, the way it works is that anyone who wants to be apart of the party will just leave their door open so people can just wander in and out. So what do you think?
RORY: About what?
PARIS: Leaving our door open. It's the perfect opportunity to solidify our social standing at Yale. It'll virtually guarantee invitations to every other party thrown this year, and we'll get our faces in people's heads.
RORY: I don't know.
PARIS: What, what don't you know? I've explained the entire thing to you.
RORY: Well, I'm not sure I want to leave our door open to a bunch of strangers.
PARIS: Well, they won't be strangers once they come in and say howdy.
RORY: Yeah, but I'm not sure how I'm gonna feel that night. I might be tired.
PARIS: For God's sakes, Grandpa, you're eighteen. Sleep when you're d*ad.
RORY: Look, we can still go to the party. We can meet people, you can solidify your social status, get your face in people's heads, and I can bail when I feel like it.
PARIS: Going isn't the same. Going is passive. Opening your door, you are giving the party. You are responsible for the fun. People owe you. Don't you want people to owe you?
RORY: I'm good, actually.
PARIS: Oh, sure, you're good. You're fine. After all, you have all this fancy furniture and a big TV to lord over people. It's the rest of us who are screwed - the ones whose grandparents hadn't thought to provide suck-up furniture.
RORY: This is not suck-up furniture.
PARIS: You're being selfish. You don't care about anybody but yourself.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: No. I hate college!
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Sookie are sitting at the kitchen table]
LORELAI: Okay, we've got costumes, we're got cutouts, we've got rings, ladies and gentlemen. We've got fairy necklaces, we've got tree heads. I'm picking up table decorations tomorrow. Oh, do you need me to order a Lord of the Rings cake?
SOOKIE: The cake is under control.
LORELAI: Okay, cake's off my list. So you've got the menu going, right?
SOOKIE: Yes.
LORELAI: Just festive kiddie food. You know, like, uh, bagel dogs, tater tots, mini pizzas, mac and cheese. Oh, you know what would be great? Those colored popcorn balls. Rory used to go mental over those things.
SOOKIE: Hey, how many adults are gonna be there?
LORELAI: Probably about ten.
SOOKIE: Okay.
[Lane walks in the back door]
LORELAI: Hi.
LANE: Hey. Okay, so I've scoured the entire store and here's what we got.
LORELAI: h*t me.
LANE: Horn of Gondor, Legolas' bow, and a cape.
LORELAI: Cape for who?
LANE: There's 4,000 people in that movie who wear capes - you can't pick one?
LORELAI: Wow, you're crabby.
LANE: Well, I wore a bracelet to school today. My parents were called. There was a special service in chapel, and I've been ordered to a soul-searching seminar next week. I'll be sitting between the nail-polish-wearing girl and the spicy condiment user.
LORELAI: I'm sorry.
LANE: That's okay.
LORELAI: Leave the horn, the bow, and the bill.
LANE: Right.
[the phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers] Hello?
PARIS: I need to talk to you about Rory.
LORELAI: Paris?
PARIS: She's not adjusting well. I'm actually concerned about her.
LORELAI: Well, that's very -
PARIS: The socialization process in college is vitally important. The connections we make here can last a lifetime. They can alter the course of our future. That's how important they are.
LORELAI: Okay.
PARIS: Now I'm sure it's tempting to emotionally stunt your daughter so she'll move back home and take care of you in your old age, but I thought you wanted better for her.
LORELAI: Hey, Paris, did something happen between you and Rory?
PARIS: She won't open the door for the party.
LORELAI: The -
PARIS: There's a party on our floor, and if you open your door, you get to be apart of it, but she won't open the door because she's busy being Heidi's grandfather, and if you were a real mother --
RORY: Paris, you called my mother?
PARIS: Well, you wouldn't listen to me.
RORY: Give me that phone! Hello?
LORELAI: Hi, honey. How's school?
RORY: I'm rooming with a Stephen King novel.
LORELAI: What's she talking about?
RORY: Oh, just some ridiculous party. I don't want to let a million strangers traipse through my room, so she's having a meltdown. I'm sorry she bothered you.
LORELAI: That's okay.
RORY: I'm gonna k*ll her.
LORELAI: Remember, you cut off one head, she'll just grow another. So tell me about the party.
RORY: It's nothing, it's just a "first week of class" kind of thing.
LORELAI: Are you going?
RORY: Maybe.
LORELAI: You know, it might not be such a bad idea to get to know the people in your building, see who's gonna be the ones to have the emergency Pop Tarts on hand.
RORY: I'll get to know them.
LORELAI: A party might be kind of a fun way to do it.
RORY: I'm sorry, are you telling me to let Paris open the door to the world?
LORELAI: I'm not telling you anything. I just want to make sure that at the end of four years, you've not only read every book in the Yale library, you've also had some fun.
RORY: I will have fun.
LORELAI: But I can see you the night of the party holing up in your room with a book for the entire evening.
RORY: You know when I do that, I'm not hiding. I enjoy it. And I'm making friends - you saw me make friends.
LORELAI: I know, but I'm not just talking about making friends. I'm talking about experiencing things. Parties, football games, protests, barn burnings.
RORY: Very big amongst the kids these days.
LORELAI: Those are all experiences. Maybe dumb experiences, but you never know when you're accidentally gonna stumble across something that could be. . .something.
RORY: Fine, I'll open the door.
PARIS: Yes!
RORY: This isn't for you!
PARIS: Like I care about the reason.
LORELAI: You might have fun.
RORY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
LORELAI: Call me later.
RORY: If I don't, I'm sure Paris will.
PARIS: Tell her thanks for me.
RORY: I will not!
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory is in the common room when Tanna walks in wearing Rory's old Chilton uniform]
TANNA: What do you think?
RORY: What is that?
TANNA: Well, you said I could borrow something to wear to the party.
RORY: Yeah, I did, but that's my Chilton uniform. My mom probably threw it in for a joke. It's my high-school uniform. I wore it every day to. . .you know, there's a tie in there that goes with it.
PARIS: Okay, I've scoped out the other open rooms and no one seems to have copped a clear identity yet, which leaves the field wide open. So what do you think we should be? We've got a lot of seating, so we could be the make-out room. Or we could crank the stereo up and push the furniture aside and be the dance room. Or we could throw down some towels and be the keg room.
RORY: I don't want an identity. You already made me open the door. I opened the door. We're the open-door room. That's it.
PARIS: How about some low lighting and some candles? We could be the meaningful-conversation room.
RORY: No themes.
PARIS: But -
RORY: No.
PARIS: No one knows me here, Rory. Do you understand what that means? It means I can start all over. I can wipe out the last eighteen years and introduce people to the new Paris Geller, the fun Paris Geller. I just want everything to be different this year, that's all.
RORY: One candle.
PARIS: Thank you, thank you.
CUT TO THE BIRTHDAY PARTY
[Lorelai is talking to a little boy]
LORELAI: No, seriously, give me the ring.
ROGER: No way.
LORELAI: Five bucks.
ROGER: No.
LORELAI: Just let me hold it.
ROGER: Forget it.
LORELAI: Come on, I promise I'll give it right back, my precious. I mean, Roger.
ROGER: You're crazy.
LORELAI: What? You're the one with the pointy ears, my friend.
[A woman walks two more boys over to Lorelai]
HELEN: Here we go. I'd like you to meet Redmond and Riley James.
LORELAI: Redmond, Riley, nice to meet you. I'm Julie, your cruise director. I'm here to help you with your costumes.
REDMOND: I want to be Legolas.
RILEY: I want to be Gimli.
REDMOND: I want to be Gimli, too.
LORELAI: Okay, two Gimlis coming up.
BOY: Lorelai, my hood is loose!
REDMOND: Her name is Julie, stupid.
BOY: No, it's not, ret*rd!
LORELAI: Hey, hey, hey.
RILEY: She just told us her name was Julie. She's our cruise director.
BOY: What's a cruise director?
REDMOND: I don't know, but you fart with your face.
LORELAI: Hey, love, guys. Love, okay? Lord of the Rings is all about the love.
BOY: Nuh uh, it's about the destruction of all mankind.
LORELAI: And who doesn't love that? You're fixed. Go play - lovingly.
HELEN: Lorelai, some of the kids are asking for swords. Did you bring swords?
LORELAI: Oh, no, I didn't.
HELEN: Oh, thank God. Oh, the Raymonds - I forgot we made up. Will you excuse me?
LORELAI: Absolutely.
[A little girl walks up to her]
GIRL: Riley said only boy hobbits can travel to Mount Doom. Is that true?
LORELAI: In the movie, only boy hobbits travel to Mount Doom, but that's only because the girls went to do something even more dangerous.
GIRL: What?
LORELAI: Have you ever heard of a Brazilian bikini wax?
SOOKIE: [calls from across the yard] Lorelai!
LORELAI: Oh, great, you're here.
GIRL: So girls go on adventures, too?
LORELAI: And they go in heels.
GIRL: Good.
SOOKIE: Are Rawley and Cheech here?
LORELAI: Yup, they've been chopping away for an hour.
SOOKIE: Perfect. Wow, there is a full house, isn't there? You have enough costumes?
LORELAI: We're good - the screen's up, the tables are set, and four kids are crying, so we're right on schedule.
SOOKIE: Well, I better get in the kitchen.
LORELAI: All right, because it's coming up on elevenses and the hobbits are hungry, right?
KIDS: Right!
SOOKIE: I'm going, I'm going.
MAN: Hey, who wants a sword?
KIDS: Me!
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily opens the front door]
EMILY: Well, Jason Stiles, look at you.
JASON: Look at me - look at you. I've just got a trainer. You have cheated God.
EMILY: You've been here one minute and you're already starting with the flattery.
JASON: I apologize. It is lovely to see you, Emily.
EMILY: It's lovely to see you also.
JASON: So, did you sell your soul to the devil or. . .
EMILY: How's your mother?
JASON: She is exactly the same.
EMILY: And her horses?
JASON: Have a better life than I do.
EMILY: Well, Richard is in his study.
JASON: I would expect no less.
[they walk to the study and knock on the door]
RICHARD: Come in.
[they walk in]
EMILY: Richard, there's someone here to see you.
JASON: Hello, Richard. I appreciate you taking the time to do this.
EMILY: Well, I'll leave you two alone. Jason, be sure and say goodbye before you leave.
JASON: I'll do that.
[Emily leaves]
JASON: So, how have you been?
RICHARD: Fine.
JASON: May I sit?
RICHARD: Your choice.
JASON: I hear your business is going well.
RICHARD: You hear correctly.
JASON: No reason for it not to be going well. You were always the best.
RICHARD: Is that what you came here to tell me, how competent I was at my job?
JASON: Nope, I came here to make you a proposition.
RICHARD: Go ahead and make it.
JASON: I want to be your partner.
RICHARD: Excuse me?
JASON: I want to join forces with you. You know, put a desk in your office, get a copy of the key, maybe snag some of that fancy stationery to write on.
RICHARD: You're not serious.
JASON: I'm prepared to buy my way in. I am also prepared to bring all of my current clients, and that should be appealing to you, even if sharing an office and parting with some stationery is not. Think about it. I could make your company an instant contender, with my youth and my clients and your reputation and respectability. It's a pretty interesting package, don't you think?
RICHARD: You want to become my partner.
JASON: Yes.
RICHARD: You want to pay me and bring a whole slew of high-paying clients with you.
JASON: You keep leaving out the stationery.
RICHARD: Thank you for coming, Jason.
JASON: Is something wrong?
RICHARD: Yes, something's wrong. I don't appreciate you wasting my time.
JASON: I didn't know that I was.
RICHARD: Am I such a joke to you that you feel you can come in here. . .
JASON: You're no joke.
RICHARD: . . .and take my time away from important things?
JASON: I assure you you are no joke. You were the best my father's company ever had.
RICHARD: You're damn right I was the best that company had, and now I am the best competition they will ever have.
JASON: Not yet. But with me, you could be.
RICHARD: Why? Why would you think I'd believe you were serious about this?
JASON: When was the last time I stuck a whoopee cushion on your chair, Richard?
RICHARD: Your father started that company. He made that company.
JASON: With you.
RICHARD: You've been working there since you were a kid. All the way through Harvard, you worked there. You've been groomed to take that company over, and now you're telling me you want to leave?
JASON: Yes.
RICHARD: Why?
JASON: Because I want to do something on my own. I want to work someplace that hasn't known me since I was six. I'd like to get through an entire day without being called Digger. And I really, really want to piss off my dad.
RICHARD: You what?
JASON: Can you imagine his face? No, really, take a moment. Picture it. I walk into his office, he's sitting in his enormous red-leather chair, and I say, "Dad, I am leaving. I am taking all of my high-paying clients with me, and I am getting into business with Richard Gilmore, the man you forced out to make room for me." Can you see that face?
RICHARD: I can see it.
JASON: It's a pretty good face, isn't it?
RICHARD: It is rather satisfying.
JASON: So, what do you say?
RICHARD: You hate your father that much?
JASON: I don't hate him. I just don't want to be him.
RICHARD: Jason, would you care to join me for a drink?
JASON: Gladly.
[As they exit the study, Jason's pager goes off]
RICHARD: Emily, Jason's going to join us for a drink.
EMILY: He is? Well, how nice.
JASON: Richard, would you mind if I borrowed your phone?
RICHARD: Not at all. You can use the one in my study.
JASON: Thank you. I'll be right out.
[Jason walks back into the study. Emily and Richard walk to the living room]
EMILY: So, I see your meeting went well.
RICHARD: It was actually very interesting.
EMILY: Really?
RICHARD: He wants to be my business partner.
EMILY: What? But what about his father and his company?
RICHARD: He wants to leave. He wants to work with the best.
EMILY: Well, good for Digger.
RICHARD: Well, I always did like that boy.
EMILY: So what did you say?
RICHARD: Well, I told him I would have to think about it. I mean, it's not as if I need anyone working with me. Things are going very well. I'm building a very solid client base.
EMILY: It would be nice for you not to have to work so hard.
RICHARD: I don't mind hard work, Emily.
EMILY: I know you don't mind it. I just said that it would be nice if you didn't have to do it.
RICHARD: Well. . .
EMILY: Jason's a very nice boy.
RICHARD: Yes, he is. He is a very nice boy.
CUT TO THE BIRTHDAY PARTY
[Sookie is setting up in the dining room.]
LORELAI: What are you doing?
SOOKIE: I'm getting the tables ready.
LORELAI: They were ready.
SOOKIE: No, ready for the food.
LORELAI: They were ready for the food.
SOOKIE: No, they weren't.
LORELAI: Yes, they were. I set them myself.
SOOKIE: But where were the tablecloths?
LORELAI: Right here. There.
SOOKIE: They're paper.
LORELAI: Yes, they are.
SOOKIE: And there's monsters on them.
LORELAI: No, they're Lord of the Rings characters, which is rather appropriate since this is a Lord of the Rings party.
SOOKIE: So this is the table?
LORELAI: Yup.
SOOKIE: And the paper cups and plates. . .
LORELAI: All there on purpose.
SOOKIE: I thought you just put them out for the kids to see.
LORELAI: And use.
SOOKIE: But the chafing dish looks so much better on the white tablecloth.
LORELAI: Um, you shouldn't have a chafing dish out here.
SOOKIE: Why not?
LORELAI: Because a chafing dish has a candle, and a candle has a flame, and a kid could stick his finger in there and get hurt.
SOOKIE: Isn't that how they learn?
LORELAI: Let's heat things up in the kitchen.
SOOKIE: Fine.
LORELAI: You made brie.
SOOKIE: Oh. With lavender honey and, uh, bourbon-sugared pecans. I thought it would go nicely with the crudités platter.
LORELAI: Please tell me you made food for the kids.
SOOKIE: I did make food for the kids.
LORELAI: These kids - not the Romanov kids.
SOOKIE: I just put this out in case anyone over the age of ten gets hungry. There are parents here, too, you know.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: Parents whose responsibility it would be to keep their kid from hitting another kid or putting their fingers under a chafing dish.
LORELAI: Sookie. . .
SOOKIE: Fine.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Paris walks through the party]
PARIS: Hey, having a good time? I'm Paris Geller, suite five. It's open. It's got a candle - perfect for some deep conversation. Uh, prepare two to five subjects to discuss so that the conversation doesn't lag and totally ruin the vibe. Party on. [walks over to Rory] So, I did a survey of all the rooms and, by far, ours is the best.
RORY: Great.
PARIS: Three is way too cluttered. Four has developed a weird smell.
RORY: Uh huh
PARIS: Two was a contender for awhile until I started telling everyone that the girl who lives there was waitlisted. I'm gonna get out there and mingle. This is a great party. [walks away]
[Rory goes into her bedroom and tries to read a book, then goes back out to the party]
MADELINE: Rory!
RORY: Oh, my God! Madeline, Louise, what are you doing here?
LOUISE: Party, baby.
RORY: I thought you were supposed to be at Mills.
MADELINE: Where?
RORY: Mills?
MADELINE: Where?
RORY: No more Mills?
MADELINE: Mills went bye-bye before I unpacked my shoes.
LOUISE: She's been hanging out at Tulane with me.
MADELINE: I love New Orleans. I am so southern.
RORY: What are you doing here?
LOUISE: We went online and found out where all the first week of class parties were, and we're making the rounds.
MADELINE: We h*t Harvard next.
LOUISE: That's where my boyfriend goes.
RORY: Oh, you're dating a Harvard man?
MADELINE: He's gonna be a writer.
LOUISE: Well, he hopes. Right now, he's totally freaked that The Simpsons are going to be off the air by the time he graduates.
RORY: Well, it's good to see you guys. Paris is around here somewhere.
MADELINE: I hope she's in back of that guy over there because that's where I'm heading.
LOUISE: We'll be back.
RORY: Good luck.
[Madeline and Louise walk away. Two girls walk up to Rory]
MICKEY: Rory Gilmore?
KICK: Are you Rory Gilmore?
RORY: Yes, I'm Rory Gilmore.
KICK: Rory. . .what can we do with that?
MICKEY: Ro-ro?
KICK: Ry-ror?
MICKEY: Her last name might help.
KICK: Gilmore.
MICKEY: Ro-gil? Gil-roy?
RORY: Excuse, me, what are you doing?
KICK: Giving you a nick.
MICKEY: A nickname.
RORY: Do I know you?
KICK: We get so ahead of ourselves. We're like time travelers. I'm Kick.
MICKEY: I'm Mickey. Your grandmother Emily told us to look you up.
RORY: My grandmother?
KICK: She's tight with our mom, D.A.R. darling. When she heard we were going to Yale, she laid down the law.
MICKEY: To look you up and make sure you fell in with the right crowd.
KICK: Which would be us.
MICKEY: But we never settled on a nickname.
KICK: I think we're still trying the last-first combo.
RORY: Listen, I really appreciate you guys seeking me out, and it was really nice meeting you, but I actually have to go find my roommate.
KICK: Do you have a middle name?
MICKEY: Yes, that might help.
KICK: When's your birthday?
MICKEY: Oh, astrological nickname. Very in. very, very in.
KICK: Seating.
MICKEY: Ooh, great fabric.
KICK: This is the furniture Emily bought.
MICKEY: That's right. That woman does have taste.
KICK: I wish she'd talk to Mom.
MICKEY: Yeah, 'cause then we wouldn't have to.
KICK: Did Mom tell you about Christmas?
MICKEY: Yes. Hawaii.
KICK: Can't even imagine what's going through her mind.
MICKEY: Walt Disney could not imagine what was going through her mind.
CUT TO LATER AT THE YALE PARTY
GUY: You want the guy that pumps your gas voting?
GIRL: That is what America is about.
GUY: What ignorance!
GIRL: You're the ignorant one.
KICK: I had a terrible dream the other night that everything they say about sunscreen is true.
MICKEY: I have had that dream.
PARIS: I don't think I'm having fun.
RORY: Well, the party's not over yet.
PARIS: I know. What's with the Gabor sisters?
RORY: Friends from my grandmother.
PARIS: Great. Everybody has a group but me.
RORY: What are you talking about?
PARIS: Janet's a runner, so she'll automatically be in the jock group. Tanna's a freak, so she'll be in the John Nash group. You've got your grandmother's obligation friends, and I'm stuck over there listening to a bad talk-radio session. This sucks.
RORY: Well, we could just kick everyone out and just go to bed.
PARIS: No. I'll just have to try a little harder. I'm determined. Things are going to be different this year.
GUY: [to Paris] Hey. pierce my ear.
PARIS: Okay, everybody out, now! This room is closed. Take your gross beer and your inane conversations somewhere else. Move!
MICKEY: What's going on?
RORY: I don't know. Looks like my roommate's kicking everybody out. Oh sh**t.
PARIS: Hey, Bim and Bim, up. Let's move, now.
KICK: Hey!
RORY: Sorry. She's my roommate. What can I do? Call me.
CUT TO THE BIRTHDAY PARTY
[The kids are gathered around the TV watching Lord of the Rings.]
HELEN: Lorelai, some of the kids are starting to get hungry. I think we should have the food ready to go the minute the movie's over.
LORELAI: I agree. I'll get right on that. [she walks to the dining room] Oh, hey. Um, Helen wants us to put the food on.
SOOKIE: Oh, one step ahead of you.
LORELAI: Good, good. So, uh, what do we have here?
SOOKIE: A little lemon-garlic aioli for the blanched veggies.
LORELAI: Oh, great.
SOOKIE: You think I should put the assorted charcuteries on this table or this one?
LORELAI: It depends. Which one is the kids' table?
SOOKIE: There are no designated tables. I'm mixing and matching here.
LORELAI: Okay.
SOOKIE: Oh, perfect. Right here. Well, hello, gorgeous. What's your name?
LORELAI: Oh, boy. Wow.
[a little girl walks into the dining room]
GIRL: I'm hungry.
SOOKIE: Would you like some gravlax?
GIRL: Some what?
LORELAI: Sookie, where's the kids' food?
SOOKIE: Okay, you need to relax. I haven't put the kids' food out yet because you wouldn't let me use the chafing dishes and I didn't want the food to get cold.
[the little girl tastes a carrot, then puts it back on the tray of food]
SOOKIE: What did you just do?
LORELAI: Sookie.
SOOKIE: You just stuck that carrot in your mouth and then put it back on the platter. Why would you do that?
GIRL: It tastes like diapers.
SOOKIE: It does not taste like diapers.
LORELAI: Honey, why don't you go sit down. I'll call you when dinner's ready.
SOOKIE: You take it back!
LORELAI: Okay, come on.
[Lorelai pulls Sookie into the kitchen]
SOOKIE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Where is it?
SOOKIE: Where is what?
LORELAI: The food that doesn't taste like diapers.
SOOKIE: You mean the kids' food?
LORELAI: Yes, the kids' food. Did you make any?
SOOKIE: I'm not stupid.
LORELAI: I never said you were stupid.
SOOKIE: You know, I booked this gig. I'm the one who came to you and said, "Hey, you want to cater a kids' party with me?" [she pulls a dish out of the oven] Here. Here is the children's food for the children's birthday party, okay?
LORELAI: What is that?
SOOKIE: It's macaroni and cheese.
LORELAI: It's green. Why is it green?
SOOKIE: Because I made it with a jalapeno-chipotle cream sauce.
LORELAI: Kids aren't gonna eat this.
SOOKIE: When they try it -
LORELAI: They won't even try it.
SOOKIE: Why not?
LORELAI: Because it's green.
SOOKIE: You haven't even offered it to them yet. They may surprise you.
LORELAI: Where is the rest of it?
SOOKIE: The rest of what?
LORELAI: The rest of the kid food.
SOOKIE: This is it.
LORELAI: Sookie!
SOOKIE: They're small! How much can they eat?
LORELAI: We talked about this. I mentioned hot dogs and pizza puffs and chips. I told you to make popcorn balls. Where the hell are the popcorn balls?
SOOKIE: You were serious about that?
LORELAI: Oh, my God! Is that the cake?
SOOKIE: Of course it's the cake. You think I would go to a birthday party without a cake?
LORELAI: What kind of cake is it, Sookie?
SOOKIE: Chocolate. With a rum-raisin, tropical-fruit ganache.
LORELAI: Okay, um, Cheech? Uh, here. Go to, um, Doose's, okay, and get, like, five boxes of frozen mini pizzas and five boxes of those pigs in a blanket and all the chips you can find. And then go to Weston's, get a couple dozen cupcakes, and have Mamie give you a couple of big bags of jimmies - like chocolate, rainbow, whatever.
SOOKIE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: We'll have them decorate their own cupcakes. They'll love it. Okay, go.
SOOKIE: We're going to serve them cupcakes?
LORELAI: Maybe they have something to tide them over for a little while.
SOOKIE: Hey, hey, I'm talking here.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know. Just relax. It's gonna be fine.
SOOKIE: I know it's gonna be fine because I've been cooking all week long. I made four different cakes before choosing that particular one. So, yeah, I know it's gonna be fine.
LORELAI: But the kids won't eat that.
SOOKIE: You know what, I'm getting a little tired of you telling me what the kids won't eat. You are supposed to plan the party, and I'm supposed to do the cooking. That's the arrangement.
LORELAI: Yes, but you have to think about the client, Sookie.
SOOKIE: I am thinking about the client. That cake is incredible.
LORELAI: Not if you're an 8-year-old.
SOOKIE: How do you know?
LORELAI: Because I had an 8-year-old, and she hung out with other 8-year-olds, and my taste right now is not that different from an 8-year-old.
SOOKIE: Okay, you can't just walk in and take over. That's not the arrangement. You're not in charge here. We're partners.
LORELAI: I know that.
SOOKIE: I'm a great chef. A great chef does not have the client decorate his own cupcakes.
[a little girl walks in]
GIRL: Can I have a juice box?
SOOKIE: Hey, we're talking!
[the girl's face scrunches up like she's about to cry]
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. . . [she gets a juice box from the fridge]
SOOKIE: What's the matter with her? Is she sick? Why is her mouth open? Lorelai, look at her face.
LORELAI: [to the girl] Hi, honey. There's your juice. It's grape. Do you like grape? Me, too! It makes your tongue all purple. Now take your juice and go watch the rest of the movie, all right? You look very nice in your costume. [the girl leaves] Okay, Sookie, I didn't mean to just take over like that. I felt a crisis coming on so I snapped into problem-solving mode, and I didn't think.
SOOKIE: I can't do this.
LORELAI: Yes, you can. We just need to be clearer on the menu next time.
SOOKIE: No, not this. [points to her stomach] This.
LORELAI: Isn't it a little late?
SOOKIE: You saw me with that little girl. I mean, and her face - I made that face.
LORELAI: You were upset.
SOOKIE: This is not right. This is all wrong. I don't. . .I don't want to be pregnant anymore!
LORELAI: What are you gonna do, walk it off? Sookie, Sookie. . .hey, hey. . .where are you going?
SOOKIE: A child is not a duvet cover. You can't just take it back if it doesn't like you.
LORELAI: Luckily, duvet covers notoriously like whoever they go home with. They're like golden retrievers.
SOOKIE: You know what happens when kids don't like you? They tie you to a chair. They brain you with a bat. They set f*re to the house and blame it on the neighbors.
LORELAI: Wow, now you can't have kids or live next door to them.
SOOKIE: I don't know how to talk to them, I don't know how to feed them, I cover up their party cloths, and I set their fingers on f*re.
LORELAI: Just this once.
SOOKIE: I make them eat jalapeno-chipotle cream sauce. I'm Mommie Dearest.
LORELAI: Okay, back in the kitchen.
SOOKIE: No, I can't go back. I've got hummus in there.
LORELAI: Come on.
SOOKIE: God knows what I'll do with it!
LORELAI: Oh. Uh, hey, Rawley, could you just go make sure the kids have enough soda? [to Sookie] You just have to calm down.
SOOKIE: I can't have it.
LORELAI: Yes, you can.
SOOKIE: No, I can't. I'm gonna fail. Get it out, get it out, get it out!
LORELAI: Stop. Breathe. Drink. Everything's gonna be fine.
SOOKIE: Kids don't like me, and I'm not so sure I like them.
LORELAI: You'll like your kid.
SOOKIE: You know at family gatherings when everyone goes into the living room, gathers around, watches the kids? I read. Jackson's sister has a little girl, six years old. She likes to get up in front of the family after dinner and sing Mariah Carey songs. I heckle. I have no desire to play with them. Easter egg hunts bore me. I have never borrowed the neighbor's kid to look after for the afternoon.
LORELAI: Good. That's called kidnapping.
SOOKIE: "Come on, Jackson, let's have a baby. I wanna be a mommy." I'm pathetic.
LORELAI: You're not pathetic.
SOOKIE: I'm gonna be a bad mother. I should not be a parent.
LORELAI: Sookie, look at me. There are many people in this world who should not have been parents. Mr. and Mrs. h*tler, for example. The bin Ladens could have just watched TV that night. Richard and Emily might have taken a pass at procreating. But you. . .no way. You're gonna be a great parent.
SOOKIE: Yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah.
SOOKIE: How do you know?
LORELAI: Because I know you, and I watched you with Rory when she was growing up.
SOOKIE: Well, who could not like Rory?
LORELAI: You're gonna be amazing. That little boy of yours is very lucky.
SOOKIE: Okay. I guess it's gonna be okay.
LORELAI: Yeah.
SOOKIE: Okay. Okay. I'm really, really okay.
LORELAI: Yeah, okay.
[Sookie goes into the dining room, then walks right back into the kitchen]
SOOKIE: Someone threw up on the table.
LORELAI: Oh, God.
SOOKIE: I'm okay. I'm just gonna go over there and be. . .okay.
LORELAI: Good idea.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory wakes up in the middle of the night. She hears a noise out in the hallway and walks out of her suite. A naked guy is sleeping on the floor. She wakes him up]
MARTY: Hi.
RORY: Hi.
MARTY: I'm on the floor.
RORY: You were sleeping.
MARTY: I have no clothes on.
RORY: No, you don't.
MARTY: I'm on the floor, I have no clothes on, and you're a girl, so I must be. . .
RORY: On the wrong floor.
MARTY: Oh, boy.
RORY: Where's your room?
MARTY: I think up. Are we on the first floor?
RORY: Yes.
MARTY: Then up. Any idea how long I've been here?
RORY: No.
MARTY: So you have no idea how many people have walked by while I've. . .
RORY: Sorry.
MARTY: Great. Now for the rest of my time at Yale, I'm gonna be "the naked guy."
RORY: I'm sorry.
MARTY: And you know what's really great? Tomorrow, when the "naked guy" nickname starts spreading around campus like wildfire, I'm gonna be in my third hour of throwing up.
RORY: Well, it's been really quiet out here for a while now, so there's a chance that no one but me has actually seen you yet.
MARTY: Oh yeah?
RORY: I promise I won't say anything. And if there's a chance that you could refrain from, you know, being naked again in the wrong hallway at the next party, then there's a chance you might get a completely different nickname, like "the never-naked guy."
MARTY: You're a very kind person. [he starts to stand up]
RORY: Wait. Hold on. Um, you can borrow this. [she hands him her robe]
MARTY: Thanks.
RORY: Mmhmm.
MARTY: Hey, weren't you in my Japanese Fiction class today?
RORY: Yeah, that's right.
MARTY: I thought so. Hi, I'm, uh. . .Marty.
RORY: Um. . .Rory.
MARTY: I won't remember that tomorrow.
RORY: That's perfectly understandable.
MARTY: So I should probably try and find my room. And my pants, 'cause that's where I kept my keys.
RORY: So pants first.
MARTY: Right, pants first.
RORY: Night.
MARTY: Yup. I'm officially stupider than my brother. I never thought that would happen.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Rory is waiting out front by her car when Lorelai pulls up]
LORELAI: Hi.
RORY: I decided I'm going to do it.
LORELAI: To do what?
RORY: I'm going to go in there and I'm going to tell Grandma that she's going to butt out of my life.
LORELAI: Mmhmm. Can I. . . [she sniffs Rory's travel mug]
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Just checking. So you have soberly decided to confront my mother?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Are you sure you want to do this?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: All right, then I support you one hundred percent.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Just make sure you wait for the right moment.
RORY: Oh, the right moment is now. The right moment arrived in a big pink hat full of feathers screaming, "Notice me because I am here!"
LORELAI: Oh, well, if it was wearing a hat. . .
[they ring the doorbell. Emily answers the door]
EMILY: There they are.
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
EMILY: Come in. I tell you, this day has been an absolute circus. I misplaced every single thing I needed - my grocery list, my ticket for the shoe repair. It was a nightmare. What will you girls have?
LORELAI: Wait for the moment, wait for the moment.
RORY: Grandma, I have to talk to you about something.
EMILY: Yes, Rory, what is it?
[There is silence as Rory tries to bring herself to confront Emily. Richard enters the room]
RICHARD: I have an announcement. I am going into business with Jason Stiles.
LORELAI: Who?
RICHARD: You've met him - the Stiles boy.
LORELAI: Oh, Digger.
RICHARD: Nobody's called him Digger in years, Lorelai. And yes, I just got off the phone. We're going to get together later and hash out the details.
EMILY: Richard, that is wonderful.
LORELAI: I didn't know you were looking for a partner.
EMILY: He wasn't. Jason came to him.
RICHARD: That's right. He said he wanted to strike out on his own, he wanted to work with the best, and he wanted to screw over his father.
LORELAI: What?
RICHARD: Oh, excuse me, Rory.
EMILY: You never told me about this.
RICHARD: Well, I was a bit surprised at the beginning, but I have to admit that when he told me that part of his motive was revenge, I was intrigued. No, I was tickled. I thought it was wonderful. What a wonderful world we live in that the son of my enemy hates his father and that I benefit from it all. It's downright Elizabethan.
EMILY: I don't think this is very funny, Richard.
RICHARD: No, no, I suppose not. However, I can't stop smiling.
EMILY: I don't think you should go into business with this boy.
RICHARD: Oh, now, Emily.
EMILY: He's obviously very troubled. You certainly don't need to hand over your business to a troubled youth.
RICHARD: He's 37 years old.
EMILY: Yes, he's 37 years old, and all he can think about is how to get back at his father. I don't understand that kind of thinking.
RICHARD: Well, you know Floyd - he's horrible.
EMILY: He is the boy's father. He raised him. He clothed him. He fed him. He does not deserve to be paid back for all of his love and devotion like this.
RICHARD: Why are you getting so upset?
EMILY: I don't want to talk about it anymore.
RICHARD: Oh, Emily, be reasonable.
EMILY: I never liked that Digger in the first place.
RICHARD: Oh, Emily, come back here.
[Emily and Richard leave the room. Lorelai clucks like a chicken at Rory]
RORY: It wasn't the right moment.
[Lorelai clucks at her again]
RORY: I was about to when Grandpa came in. He interrupted, and now Grandma's mad, so I'm sorry if it seems to you like I chickened out, but I didn't, and now it's just gonna have to wait.
LORELAI: Mmhmm. [clucks again]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x03 - The Hobbit, the Sofa and the Digger St"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Jane Espenson
directed by Chris Long
transcript by Stacy with assistance by Canopus
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory pulls up in her car, grabs some bags from the trunk, then walks into the house. An alarm starts blaring.]
LORELAI: Oh, crap! [tries to turn off the alarm]
RORY: What's going on? Is it the smoke detector? Are we on f*re?
LORELAI: It's not the smoke detector, it's the alarm!
RORY: What alarm?
LORELAI: Our alarm.
RORY: We don't have an alarm.
LORELAI: Well, then, we have really angry rats. Did you cut your hair?
RORY: Well, I just trimmed it.
LORELAI: You didn't tell me you were cutting your hair.
RORY: It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
LORELAI: A spur-of-the-moment, "let's not tell my mother I'm pulling a G.I. Jane"?
RORY: Are we seriously gonna have this conversation now during the air raid?
LORELAI: You're right. Come on. [leads her to the other side of the room]
RORY: What are we doing?
LORELAI: I figured out that there is a motion detector, and if you stand over here, it can't see you and calms down.
RORY: Great, so what now?
LORELAI: We wait. So why didn't you tell me you were getting your hair cut?
RORY: It's just a trim.
LORELAI: To the Braille Institute, it's just a trim.
RORY: Do you like it?
LORELAI: Will you put it back if I don't?
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Yes, I like it.
RORY: Thank you.
[the alarm stops]
RORY: Oh, thank God.
LORELAI: Feels good when it's over, huh?
RORY: This is crazy. When did we get an alarm?
LORELAI: Well, apparently, Kirk. . .
RORY: Oh, no.
LORELAI: . . .has recently joined the Stars Hollow Security Company.
RORY: Oh, no.
LORELAI: And apparently, now that I'm the pretty spinster living all alone, he's concerned for my safety.
RORY: Did he tell you all this?
LORELAI: Do you think I labeled myself the pretty spinster?
RORY: What did you say?
LORELAI: I haven't talked to him face-to-face. I come home to this and there was a note and his card and his g*n.
RORY: Oh, jeez!
LORELAI: Yeah, and then when I called the alarm-response center to complain about the alarm, no one answered. I had to leave a message with Meg - she sweeps up.
RORY: I can't even believe there's a security company in Stars Hollow. Nothing ever happens here.
LORELAI: Oh, that is not true. Plenty happens here.
RORY: Like what?
LORELAI: Like, people now break into your houses and install alarm systems.
RORY: I heard about that.
LORELAI: And we have a new mail carrier.
RORY: We do?
LORELAI: Yeah, so now if you wanna get your mail, you just have to go see Miss Patty.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: 'Cause that's where he brings it. He brings Babette's mail to Andrew's, Norma's mail to the deli, and Taylor still hasn't found his mail, which I have to admit is kind of fun.
RORY: I rescind my previous statement. This place is hopping.
LORELAI: So, did you eat yet?
RORY: Nope. I thought I'd let you feed me.
LORELAI: Sure. I can feed you, but I can't know if you're getting your hair cut.
RORY: I will never do anything again without telling you - happy?
LORELAI: I don't know. I'm finding this whole guilt thing rather satisfying. [Rory starts to walk away] No, no, where are you going? [The alarm starts blaring again] Agh! Why did you do that?
RORY: I was gonna get my laundry!
LORELAI: You made it mad!
RORY: I didn't mean to!
LORELAI: Back in the corner, back in the corner!
RORY: Oh.
LORELAI: No place like home, huh?
RORY: Yeah.
[opening credits]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is making a trail of Post-It notes on the floor through the house; Rory comes out of her bedroom]
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Follow the Post-It's.
RORY: Does our life seem at all ridiculous to you?
LORELAI: I spent all morning carefully tracking that motion detector.
RORY: What an excellent use of your time.
LORELAI: We're good as long as we stay on the path.
RORY: So I should follow the yellow stick road?
LORELAI: We'll be here all week, try the veal. Stop.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Read.
RORY: "Crouch down and hop." Oh, come on.
LORELAI: The motion-detector beam at the top of the staircase dips very low over there.
RORY: You seriously want me to crouch down and hop?
LORELAI: Like a little hunchbacked bunny.
RORY: You know, I had decided that if I ever went to therapy, I was gonna leave you out of it, but now. . .
LORELAI: Okay, you can stand up.
RORY: Did you at least call the stupid security company again?
LORELAI: Yes, Meg sends her love. Don't worry - I'll stop by on my way to the inn. And what are your plans today, Persis Khambata?
RORY: Well, today, I'm going to do nothing but hang out in town, read, veg, drink coffee, and have the perfect Stars Hollow day.
LORELAI: Look out. I get to go over to the inn and hear a contractor laugh at me every time I say, "But that won't cost too much more, right?"
RORY: Enjoy.
LORELAI: Late lunch at Luke's?
RORY: You're on. So, uh, which way do I go?
LORELAI: Oh, just follow the Post-It's.
RORY: But they're going in two different directions.
LORELAI: They are?
RORY: Look.
LORELAI: Oh. I must have kicked some out of the way by accident.
RORY: Well, which one do I take?
LORELAI: Which looks more intentional?
RORY: No Post-It path looks intentional.
LORELAI: I'm drawing a complete blank.
RORY: You seriously don't remember?
LORELAI: Sorry.
RORY: Well, how are we supposed to get out of our house?
[Lorelai, imitating Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie, crosses her arms, nods her head, and blinks]
LORELAI: Unng!
RORY: I hate Kirk.
CUT TO THE GAZEBO
[Rory is sitting on the bench reading and listening to music. A man walks up and sets down a box]
RORY: Whoa. What's going on?
MAN: I'm just setting things up for tomorrow.
RORY: Oh, tomorrow. What's -
MAN 2: Heads up!
[another man throws a package of tablecloths to the man in the gazebo]
RORY: Whoa.
MAN: I think you may need to move.
RORY: Yeah, I kinda got that. Excuse me. What's tomorrow?
[Across the lawn, Lindsay and her mom are talking with a wedding planner]
LINDSAY: . . .tons of tulle so that everything looks like frosting.
MRS. LISTER: She's our only daughter - frost the town.
LINDSAY: Now, where should we put the poster? I want to make sure everybody sees it.
MRS. LISTER: Oh, what about next to the cake?
LINDSAY: Yes, next to the cake.
[Rory walks away in the other direction]
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Rory walks in]
RORY: Lane.
LANE: Rory.
RORY: Have you heard of a phone? Because as my friend, it is your responsibility to use it to call me and tell me that my ex-boyfriend's wedding is on Sunday so I'm not accidentally in it.
LANE: What?
RORY: I'm sitting out in the gazebo, reading, and this guy almost brains me with a stack of tablecloths.
LANE: Oh, that's right, they're having their reception in the town square.
RORY: Yes, and Lindsay was out there holding a giant picture of her with Dean, and. . .
LANE: Oh my God, did she see you?
RORY: I don't think so. I do a pretty good idiot run when I need to.
LANE: I'm sorry, I meant to tell you. I just didn't know you were coming home this weekend. It totally slipped my mind. Things have been so crazy. I just figured I'd tell you when we talked, and then we didn't, and. . .oh, I'm sorry, can you hold on for a sec?
[She opens an armoire. Zach and Brian are inside]
ZACH: Not cool, Lane.
LANE: I'm sorry, guys.
BRIAN: Fourth time today.
LANE: Well, I thought Rory was my mom.
ZACH: The resemblance is uncanny.
BRIAN: We should get your mom a bell like a cat.
RORY: What's going on?
LANE: We're having a band meeting. We need to figure out what to do about a guitarist.
BRIAN: I think I got a splinter.
ZACH: You know that a splinter can get into your bloodstream, go straight to your heart, and k*ll you.
BRIAN: Why would you tell me that?
ZACH: Whatever, dude. This is lame. I'm gonna bail.
LANE: Zach, come on.
BRIAN: We need to find a guitarist.
LANE: That's right. We have come too far to let the band fall apart just because Dave -
ZACH: Hey, do not say the "d" word, Lane.
LANE: But -
ZACH: Don't.
LANE: Dave -
ZACH: Dave is d*ad to me. Comprendo? d*ad. Cover the mirror, rip a shirt, that guy doesn't exist.
BRIAN: He just went to college, Zach.
ZACH: No, he did not just go to college. He walked out on his art, man. He walked out on his sound. Do you think a sound is so easy to find? Did you ever see that Glenn Miller movie? For two hours, Jimmy Stewart's walking around, "I gotta find a sound. I gotta find a sound." Well, we had a sound and Dave took that sound to freaking California. You don't come back from California, man. It changes you.
LANE: What did you expect him to do - not go to college?
ZACH: No true rock 'n' roller goes to college!
RORY: Mick Jagger went to the London School of Economics.
ZACH: What?
RORY: Yeah, and, uh, Dexter Holland of The Offspring got his PhD in molecular biology at USC. Greg Ginn of Black Flag graduated from UCLA. The guy from Bad Religion got his masters in geology from UCLA, and he's working on his PhD in evolutionary biology at Cornell.
ZACH: Lane, she's your friend.
RORY: I'm sorry. Um, I'm going. I'll call you later.
LANE: Hey, are you mad?
RORY: No, I'm not, I promise. I'm just - I'm just a little surprised. I mean, Dean's wedding. . .
LANE: I know.
RORY: But it's okay. It just means that I have to be a little more careful about where I go this weekend, that's all.
LANE: Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow. We're using the garage - guitar auditions.
RORY: Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
ZACH: Shut up, shut up, shut up. Weezer did not go to Harvard.
BRIAN: Not the whole band, just the lead -
ZACH: Get away from me! I mean it.
RORY: Bye.
LANE: Bye.
[Rory leaves. She sees Dean out front on the sidewalk]
RORY: Hi.
DEAN: Hi. Uh, were you. . .
RORY: Oh, I was at, uh, Lane's.
DEAN: Right, Lane's. Um.
RORY: Um.
DEAN: So, you're home this weekend.
RORY: Yeah, I, uh, I ran out of clean clothes and quarters, so. . .how are things?
DEAN: Good. You?
RORY: Good.
DEAN: You like Yale?
RORY: I love Yale.
DEAN: I figured.
RORY: And Connecticut State?
DEAN: It's. . .it's good.
RORY: Oh, good. I'm glad it's good. I mean, not that I would have had any recourse if it wasn't, but, uh, this makes my lack of recourse a lot easier to deal with. So, I see you've taken over the town.
DEAN: Oh, yeah. Uh, well, Lindsay thought. . .she likes the gazebo, and. . .
RORY: And it's her wedding.
DEAN: It is her wedding.
RORY: And your wedding. I mean, it's your wedding, too.
DEAN: Yes, it is. It's my wedding, too.
RORY: Well, it's nice. It's, um, it's pretty. It looks like heaven or a Victoria's Secret commercial, which, to some people is basically the same thing.
DEAN: I didn't know you'd be home this weekend.
RORY: It was just a spur-of-the-moment thing.
DEAN: Because if I had known, I would have, you know, invited you.
RORY: Oh. Oh, well, it's. . .
DEAN: I mean, I didn't want you to think I was just not inviting you.
RORY: No, I didn't think that.
DEAN: I just figured you'd be at school.
RORY: 'Cause you're logical.
DEAN: I just didn't know.
RORY: No, I know you didn't know.
DEAN: I didn't want you to think -
RORY: No, I didn't think. I don't think. I go to Yale now. They think for you.
DEAN: But, hey, since you are here, come.
RORY: Come?
DEAN: To my wedding. Come to my wedding.
RORY: Oh, Dean. . .
DEAN: You and Lorelai, I want you to.
RORY: Well. . .
DEAN: Chicken or beef?
RORY: What?
DEAN: Wait, beef. Of course, beef. I mean, the two of you are definitely beef. I mean, not like you resemble beef or anything.
RORY: You know, you don't even have to -
DEAN: Okay, so, noon at the church. I'll be the one in the tux. And don't worry, we didn't write our own vows and no one's singing opera. I know you think that's lame.
RORY: Oh, no, well, it's a wedding. It's supposed to be. . .operatic.
DEAN: Okay, so, I better get over there. Lindsay's expecting me. Uh, so, I'll just see you two tomorrow.
RORY: But. . .
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is in the living room staring at the alarm system control pad]
KIRK: [calls from upstairs] Now?
LORELAI: Nothing.
KIRK: What about now?
LORELAI: No, nothing.
KIRK: Okay. Now?
LORELAI: Nothing. Kirk, what's supposed to happen?
KIRK: What?
LORELAI: I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking for. Kirk?
KIRK: I'm not sure.
LORELAI: Kirk, please come downstairs.
KIRK: Are you going to hurt me?
LORELAI: Kirk.
KIRK: [walking downstairs] I swear, they told me it would be self-explanatory. I just had to get in the main box, and in seconds, this thing would be disabled. They didn't tell me that I needed a key or that if I didn't have a key, that I would be mildly electrocuted, and then, after all that, when I got in the box, there's nothing self-explanatory about it.
LORELAI: Kirk.
KIRK: I was trying to do a nice thing.
LORELAI: I know.
KIRK: And Jimmy said he would install it for me because I do not have those skills yet. The class was full by the time I got there.
LORELAI: That's okay.
KIRK: Damn my constant tardiness.
LORELAI: Kirk, please, what can we do right now? The alarm is just so loud.
KIRK: Yeah, that's my fault, too. I asked Jimmy to really crank it up.
LORELAI: Well, he did.
KIRK: If you're gonna have an alarm, you need it loud. You don't want some crazed, Kn*fe-wielding g*n at your throat and the neighbors are going, like, "Is that a fan? Did I leave the water running?" You want them to know, "Hey, that's an alarm."
LORELAI: Your imaginary attacker has a Kn*fe and a g*n?
KIRK: And a really dirty t*nk top.
LORELAI: Okay. So, uh, Jimmy's out of town, but until he gets back, we can. . .
KIRK: Change the code.
LORELAI: Really? To something I know?
KIRK: You can pick it.
LORELAI: You know how to do that?
KIRK: Yes, I do.
LORELAI: That is perfect.
KIRK: Okay, here we go. Just punch in a 7-number sequence.
LORELAI: You got it.
[Sookie walks in]
SOOKIE: Hey.
LORELAI: Hi.
SOOKIE: Did you know your phone's not working?
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: I've been calling you for an hour. I had the operator check it. She said it's cut off or something.
LORELAI: It was working this morning.
KIRK: I'll be right back.
LORELAI: Kirk!
KIRK: I have tape. [goes upstairs]
SOOKIE: You look tired.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, Kirk.
SOOKIE: Right. Hey, listen, I got a call today.
LORELAI: From?
SOOKIE: Michel. A very upset Michel.
LORELAI: Why?
SOOKIE: Well, apparently, he called you and you never called him back.
LORELAI: When did he call me?
SOOKIE: He said he called you in July.
LORELAI: I was in Europe in July.
SOOKIE: I think that he thinks we're trying to ease him out of the Dragonfly.
LORELAI: Oh, come on. Why would he think that?
SOOKIE: I don't know, but he was so hysterical that his voice got into that high-pitched squeal he does, and all I could make out was "f*re" and "abandon me" and something about not receiving a thank-you card for the Statue of Liberty.
LORELAI: That is crazy. He knows we always intended to take him with us. I mean, we love Michel, right?
SOOKIE: Right. He's the best concierge in the world.
LORELAI: Absolutely. A little abrasive.
SOOKIE: Kind of impatient.
LORELAI: But charming.
SOOKIE: And great at what he does, knows the community.
LORELAI: Willing to go that extra mile.
SOOKIE: Tiny bit obnoxious.
LORELAI: Makes you want to scream, "life's too short!" two, three times a day, but. . .
SOOKIE: Picture life without him. We do need him, right?
LORELAI: Let's just go down there and talk to him.
SOOKIE: Right.
CUT TO FANCY HOTEL
[Lorelai and Sookie walk in]
LORELAI: Well, we know where all those Calvin Klein ads went to die.
SOOKIE: They look like they all had the same mother.
LORELAI: That must be one tired supermodel.
[a woman walks by]
LORELAI: Excuse me, we're look-
[the woman ignores her and keeps walking]
LORELAI: I wouldn't talk to us either.
SOOKIE: Hey, talk to a boy. A boy will be nice to you.
LORELAI: Okay.
[they walk up to the front desk]
LORELAI: Hi. Excuse me, we're looking for Michel Gerard.
CONCIERGE: The corner of Mercer and Broom.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
[the man points to his headset]
LORELAI: Oh, Janet Jackson's on the phone.
SOOKIE: Oh.
CONCIERGE: Uh huh, no worries. Hi.
SOOKIE: Us?
CONCIERGE: Yes.
LORELAI: Oh.
SOOKIE: We're looking for Michel Gerard.
CONCIERGE: Michel.
SOOKIE: Yes, Michel Ger. . . Janet again.
LORELAI: She's very needy lately.
CONCIERGE: You have some guests at the front desk. Uh-huh. No worries. He comes like the wind.
LORELAI: Thanks. He doesn't need our thanks.
SOOKIE: Well, he has Janet, so. . .
[Michel walks through the lobby toward the front desk talking on a headset]
MICHEL: You have reservations at Tamtam at 7:00. Do not order the duck because it will take forever and you will miss the curtain. If you have any problems at all, you have my pager number. Just call me. Goodbye. [to Lorelai and Sookie] Well, look who the cat dragged in.
LORELAI: Hi, Michel. We've missed you.
MICHEL: Yes? Well, I have missed you, too.
LORELAI: This place is wonderful.
SOOKIE: You look so important, walking around, talking to yourself. But you're not really talking to yourself. You're actually talking to someone else in a headset with your headset.
LORELAI: How are you?
MICHEL: Me? I am wonderful, and yourselves?
LORELAI: We're great, and we're breaking ground on the inn on Monday.
MICHEL: Oh, yes. Is that still happening?
LORELAI: It is still happening.
MICHEL: Well, that's lovely. There's a small charge for the use of the internet. All instructions are in the minibar. I'm so pleased.
LORELAI: Listen, Michel, I know you're a little upset with me.
MICHEL: Upset? I don't think so.
SOOKIE: It's okay, I told her about the call.
MICHEL: What call?
SOOKIE: The call you made to me yesterday, the one where you told me that you called Lorelai and she didn't call back.
MICHEL: I make so many calls.
SOOKIE: The one where you cried.
MICHEL: Are you sure it wasn't another Michel?
SOOKIE: You called me! You kept me on the phone for over an hour. I missed the beginning of q*eer Eye for the Straight Guy, and by the time I got back, they were all gay.
LORELAI: Okay, it doesn't matter. We just want you to know if there was any misunderstanding about wanting you to come with us to the Dragonfly, well, we're sorry.
SOOKIE: I'm not.
MICHEL: Well, that's very sweet of you to say. Thank you.
LORELAI: Unless you don't want to come with us. I mean, this place is very impressive, and I would understand if you didn't want to leave.
MICHEL: Yes, this place is impressive, isn't it? I mean, the uniform alone - like working in your jammies. And these headsets, are they not fabulous? Especially when, for example, you're in the bathroom, a place one would normally choose to be alone, then suddenly, bang, someone is yakking in your ear. How delightful. You can never get lonely.
LORELAI: I suppose not.
MICHEL: And the people who work here. . .a joy. So young, so talented. Some of them are actors in ambitious off-Broadway revues. They play cockroaches and derelicts and do Shakespeare dressed like punk rockers. It gives me chills just thinking about it. Yes, extra towels are complimentary, Matthew, and stop asking me who the hottie I'm talking to is. I'll tell you what, I'll think about it and get back to you, okay?
LORELAI: Nice to have you aboard, Michel.
MICHEL: I'm busy, go. Thank God. Matthew, what?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table]
LORELAI: So, he invited us to his wedding.
RORY: And we're having beef.
LORELAI: Well, what was his body language like?
RORY: Tall.
LORELAI: No, I mean, did he squirm or back away when he invited you or was he all darty-eyed?
RORY: Not much squirming, no backing away, but there was a little bit of darty-eye.
LORELAI: So, he was nervous.
RORY: Well, we were both nervous. I mean, we didn't expect to run into each other, and I think he probably just invited us 'cause he felt like he had to, to be nice.
LORELAI: That does sound like Dean.
RORY: So, what do we do? Do we go?
LORELAI: Oh, I can't decide this. He's your ex-boyfriend.
RORY: It seems weird that we go.
LORELAI: Then we don't go.
RORY: But if we don't go, it may look like we're trying to make some kind of statement.
LORELAI: Then we go.
RORY: If I had just stayed at Lane's for two more minutes. . .
LORELAI: Yeah, fate.
RORY: Yes, it is fate. Do we ignore fate?
LORELAI: I don't know. Do you have any important papers due soon?
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Just in case.
RORY: Fate's gonna flunk me?
LORELAI: It's always a possibility.
RORY: Well, then that's it. We are going.
LUKE: Going where?
RORY: Dean's wedding. Fate's making us.
LORELAI: I hope fate will cough up forty bucks for a salad spinner for him.
LUKE: Please, there is no fate.
LORELAI: What do you mean there is no fate? Of course there is fate.
LUKE: There is no fate, there is no destiny, there is no luck. Astrology is ridiculous. Tarot cards tell you nothing. You cannot read a palm. Tea leaves make tea and nothing else. Jim Morrison is not hanging out with Elvis, and the Kennedys did not k*ll Marilyn.
LORELAI: I totally knew you were gonna say that.
LUKE: I came over here. My fault.
LORELAI: I read your mind. It spoke to me. We're psychic.
LUKE: Enjoy the fries.
LORELAI: So where does this leave us?
RORY: Well, I think that Dean's gonna expect us to go, and it is his day, and I don't want him to feel like I don't care about him.
LORELAI: I know.
ORY: I just want him to be happy.
LORELAI: Okay, we'll get him a salad spinner first thing tomorrow morning.
RORY: Thank you.
[Miss Patty walks in]
MISS PATTY: Oh, there you are. Honey, I've got your mail.
LORELAI: Oh, great.
MISS PATTY: Oh, I'm exhausted. I've been looking all over town for you.
LORELAI: Oh, Patty, you could have just left me a message. I would have stopped by and picked it up.
MISS PATTY: Oh, there was something marked urgent in there, and I just wanted to make sure you got it.
LORELAI: Hm, thank you.
MISS PATTY: All right, I'm leaving. Oh, I'm gonna k*ll that mail carrier. I don't care if he doesn't have a tongue. [leaves]
RORY: Our new mail carrier doesn't have a tongue?
LORELAI: You've got to be kidding me.
RORY: That's what Patty just said.
LORELAI: No, Taylor has sent me a cease and desist order on the inn.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: [reads letter] "Dear Lorelai Gilmore, it has come to the attention of the Stars Hollow Historical Preservation Society that you and Miss Sookie St. James intend to commence construction on the Dragonfly Inn. Any proposed renovations must be submitted, discussed, and approved by the Stars Hollow Historical Preservation Society. We must therefore ask that all work halt until such time that this procedure has been followed. Thank you, and have a historical day." Is he kidding?
RORY: What are you gonna do?
LORELAI: I'm going to talk to him.
RORY: Cool.
LORELAI: Don't say cool like that. It's gonna be very pleasant.
RORY: I thought you said you were gonna go talk to Taylor.
LORELAI: I own my own business now, Rory. I'm gonna have to deal with tiny men like Taylor all the time. You can't go around yelling at people, no matter how historical they might be.
RORY: Bummer.
LORELAI: You have to learn to separate the personal from the business.
RORY: Okay.
[they walk outside and head toward the soda shop]
LORELAI: Remember in The Godfather, Michael telling Sonny how he was gonna k*ll Tattaglia and Captain McCluskey in that Italian restaurant? He lays out the whole thing very calmly, very unemotionally, 'cause that's what you do in business.
RORY: Yeah, but then he went and sh*t two guys in the head.
LORELAI: Okay, but I wasn't describing that scene.
CUT TO THE SODA SHOP
TAYLOR: [to customer] But if you know you already like lime, then you're not sampling, you're savoring, and that's just gluttonous.
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
LORELAI: Hi, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Well, hello there. Lorelai, Rory, what can I get for you?
LORELAI: Oh, well, gosh, look at all the choices, really hard to pick. I think I'll try a scoop of butter brickle crunch. Rory?
RORY: I'll try the chocolate chocolate chocolate.
TAYLOR: Coming right up.
LORELAI: Listen, Taylor, while I have you here, um, I received this letter in the mail, and I'm having kind of a blond day, and I wonder if you could explain this to me.
TAYLOR: Well, it says you have to get approval before you can start construction on the inn.
LORELAI: That's what I thought it said. Well, I have to tell you, Taylor, I'm a little concerned because we have a construction crew coming Monday, so. . .yikes.
TAYLOR: Well, the Dragonfly is a historical building, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Yeah, but the whole town is a historical building, Taylor. I mean, George Washington ate, slept, or blew his nose all over the damn place.
TAYLOR: He only blew his nose in the park. You've read the sign.
LORELAI: Taylor, that inn needs love. It's falling down. Sookie and I have no intention of ruining its historical aspect. We'd just like some running water.
TAYLOR: Running water was not always historical.
LORELAI: You're not seriously telling me I can't put in running water?
RORY: Oh, my God, this is incredible. It's called chocolate chocolate chocolate, but it's seriously chocolate chocolate chocolaty. Sorry.
TAYLOR: I'm just telling you, there are rules and they have to be followed.
LORELAI: Fine. What do I have to do to get the Historical Preservation Society's stamp of approval?
TAYLOR: Well, a formal presentation is necessary.
LORELAI: Uh-huh. When?
TAYLOR: Uh, any town function or gathering is open to a presentation, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Okay, so, like, the town meeting tonight?
TAYLOR: If you like.
LORELAI: The town meeting it is.
TAYLOR: Oh, now, don't look sad. I went through this with my place, too. Of course, I knew the rules so I didn't get the embarrassing letter.
LORELAI: Right, okay, great. Well, we'll see you later, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Oh, uh. . .
LORELAI: Yes?
TAYLOR: That'll be $3.50 for the ice cream.
RORY: And worth every penny, let me tell you. Sorry, but this is really good.
CUT TO TOWN MEETING
TAYLOR: So, any additional landscaping to the town square will be paid for directly from the town park funds, and town park funds only. All righty.
RORY: Long one tonight.
LORELAI: Astonishingly long.
SOOKIE: We've got to be next, right?
LORELAI: We've got to be. Michel, are you okay over there?
SOOKIE: He says the guy next to him has unforgivable B.O.
LORELAI: Michel, you're French. How can you even tell?
TAYLOR: Could we have a little quiet please?
LORELAI: Sorry, Taylor, we're just waiting here very patiently, as you can see, all ready and everything.
TAYLOR: Yes, well, um, the next item, people, is a wonderful feather in Stars Hollow's cap. One of our very own, fourth grader Donny Pass, was named a runner-up in the Connecticut State story-writing contest for his work entitled The Happiest Doughnut.
SOOKIE: I think I'm gonna give birth just out of boredom.
TAYLOR: Donny's mom is here tonight. Let's give her a big hand.
LORELAI: I almost think he's doing this on purpose.
SOOKIE: Almost? Huh.
LORELAI: Bordering on pretty damn sure.
TAYLOR: I won't spoil the plot of The Happiest Doughnut for you, folks, except to say it's funny and a little sad and truly inspiring. But a caveat for all you parents - the dunking scene may be too intense for preschool-aged children.
GYPSY: How can a stupid doughnut be happy?
RORY: But see, he's got you curious. That's the genius of Donny Pass.
GYPSY: Hey, I've got a bunch of your mail. Here.
RORY: Oh, I've got some of yours, too, and some of Al's. Will you pass this back to him for me?
GYPSY: Yeah. Oh, if you hand this up to Andrew.
RORY: Can do.
[The townspeople start exchanging their mail]
LORELAI: I can't smell anything.
MICHEL: I'm breathing it all in so it's not reaching you.
LORELAI: Thanks for taking that grenade for me, pal.
TAYLOR: People, could we have some order here?
ANDREW: Oh, Gypsy, the letter from my girlfriend's open.
GYPSY: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Andrew. It must have fallen open accidentally.
ANDREW: You read my private letter.
GYPSY: There's nothing private in that letter. Except for the medical stuff.
MISS PATTY: Taylor, I got your PennySaver and your girly magazines.
TAYLOR: Those are lifestyle magazines. People, this meeting has degenerated into our usual weekly anarchy. I say we adjourn. We'll see you next week.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Uh, Taylor!
TAYLOR: Everyone pick up a free copy of The Happiest Doughnut on your way out. You won't be sorry.
LORELAI: Taylor, wait, we were supposed to make our presentation about the Dragonfly.
TAYLOR: Oh, yes. Well, uh, you're bringing this up kind of late.
LORELAI: Well, we've been sitting here.
SOOKIE: It won't take long.
LORELAI: It was your idea, remember? You suggested this.
TAYLOR: Well, okay. People, your children and elderly are going to have to wait a while longer for you to get home because Lorelai Gilmore and her associates want to discuss some proposed changes to a beloved town structure.
LORELAI: Thank you. Let's go, Sook, Augustus Gloop.
RORY: Knock 'em d*ad.
LORELAI: Guys, I know we've been here forever, but I very quickly want to tell you what we have in mind for this beautiful Dragonfly property.
TAYLOR: The historic Dragonfly property.
LORELAI: I think that goes without saying.
TAYLOR: I don't think you should try to hide the fact that it's historic.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm not hiding anything.
TAYLOR: Proceed, please.
LORELAI: Okay, well, we're very excited -
TAYLOR: How many guest rooms will this establishment have?
LORELAI: Um, ten.
TAYLOR: Ugh, tsk, tsk, tsk.
LORELAI: Yeah, ten. Anyway, the property's been unoccupied for -
TAYLOR: And parking? How many parking spaces?
LORELAI: Um, eighteen.
TAYLOR: Oh, hm.
LORELAI: Something wrong with the parking, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Two people to a room, each with their own car, that's twenty cars - you don't have enough parking.
LORELAI: But some of the people will be driving there together in one car.
TAYLOR: So, you have a crystal ball, do you?
LORELAI: That's just common sense.
TAYLOR: Because if you have a crystal ball, I sure would like to borrow it to take to the racetrack.
LORELAI: Um, no, I don't have a crystal ball, but if the parking's not enough, we can always add more.
SOOKIE: Easy.
TAYLOR: So, pave paradise and put up a parking lot.
SOOKIE: Not what we're saying.
TAYLOR: I heard you were planning to serve alcohol - is this true?
LORELAI: Well, there will be a restaurant.
SOOKIE: Wine, cocktails. Give the people what they want.
TAYLOR: So it'll be a party spot, huh?
LORELAI: Uh, no.
TAYLOR: Catering to that crowd - hip-hoppers, the Manson family.
LORELAI: It's a little country inn.
TAYLOR: A perfect secluded spot for m*rder to revel in impropriety.
MICHEL: Have you noticed, this is not going very well.
LORELAI: Taylor, everyone, there will be millions of questions, some of them even legitimate, but the bottom line is, you know me. I've been apart of this town for. . .well, look how big my daughter is - for that long. And opening this inn has been a dream of mine and of Sookie's for most of that time. Along with Michel, we plan to make this community as proud of the historic Dragonfly Inn as you were when the same team was running the Independence Inn.
TAYLOR: You mean the place that b*rned down on your watch?
MICHEL: Can I slap him?
LORELAI: Uh, now, this will also help our local economy because we plan to employ. . .[her cell phone rings] Sorry, we plan to employ - huh. Uh, this, uh, call is coming from the house.
RORY: Our house?
LORELAI: It's flashing our number.
RORY: But we're here.
LORELAI: I know. That's the weird part. Sookie, uh, keep it going in here. I'll be just a quick, um, second.
SOOKIE: Okay, if you have any questions. . .
MICHEL: Yes, about the Dragonfly or deodorant - the places to buy it, how to apply it, that sort of thing.
[Lorelai goes outside to answer her phone]
LORELAI: Hello?
KIRK: I responded to the activation of an alarm at your residence, and I apprehended a prowler in the garage.
LORELAI: You did?
KIRK: Yes, ma'am - female, approximately eighteen years old, Korean.
LORELAI: Kirk, that's Lane. You know Lane.
KIRK: I thought I knew Lane, but now I think she's in some kind of g*ng.
LANE: Lorelai, help.
KIRK: Their front is some sort of musical group.
LORELAI: They are a musical group, Kirk. [to Rory] Honey, go sort it out.
RORY: Got it.
LORELAI: Rory's on her way over - brown hair, blue eyes, about 5'6" - don't cuff her.
KIRK: 10-4.
LORELAI: Okay.
[Lorelai hangs up as Sookie and Michel walk out of the dance studio]
LORELAI: What -
SOOKIE: We failed you.
MICHEL: He is a very unpleasant man.
LORELAI: What happened?
SOOKIE: The second, I mean, the second you walked out the door, Taylor adjourned the meeting over our objections.
LORELAI: Well, where is he? Where'd he go?
SOOKIE: He was the first one out the door.
LORELAI: Unbelievable. Hm, you can run but you can't hide.
MICHEL: Oh, this is cute. . . The Happy Doughnut.
[Lorelai goes to catch up to Taylor]
LORELAI: Hey, uh, we have a little misunderstanding back there, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Lorelai, please don't sneak up on me like that. I almost blew my emergency whistle.
LORELAI: We weren't done.
TAYLOR: Oh, I thought we were.
LORELAI: No, we weren't.
TAYLOR: Well, what more was there to say?
LORELAI: Nothing was decided. You said to come to the town meeting and explain what you're doing, then we can start our work.
TAYOR: Oh, well, you can't do that until after the walk-through.
LORELAI: Oh, Taylor, I'm in heels. Do you mind? What walk-through?
TAYLOR: I and other members of the Historical Preservation Society need to examine the property in person. You didn't think we were gonna make a decision based on a little chat, did you? I'm sure I mentioned a walk-through.
LORELAI: I don't think you did.
TAYLOR: Well, I'm mentioning it now.
LORELAI: Okay, so, when's the walk-through?
TAYLOR: Well, I'd have to check with the other society members, set something up in the next month or so.
LORELAI: But I have workmen coming Monday, Taylor, the day after tomorrow.
TAYLOR: Oh, dear. That's cutting it pretty close.
LORELAI: Let's do it tomorrow, please - tomorrow.
TAYLOR: Tomorrow's Sunday.
LORELAI: Yes, it is.
TAYLOR: Well, it would have to be before church.
LORELAI: Okay, so midmorning?
TAYLOR: Six?
LORELAI: Six? Six in the morning?
TAYLOR: Or another day - I could take it up with the society.
LORELAI: No, no, six is fine. Six sharp.
TAYLOR: See you then.
LORELAI: Bright and early.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
CUSTOMER: Goodnight.
LUKE: Goodnight. Thanks.
[A group of boys are walking toward the diner]
BOYS: [singing] We do or die for Stars Hollow High! We do or die for Stars Hollow High! It's the one we fight and fall for, it's the one we give our all for.
LUKE: Oh, goody.
[the boys enter the diner]
BOYS: Stars Hollow High! Whoo!
BOY 1: That is our Stars Hollow High fight song.
LUKE: Could've sworn it was Mozart. What is this, guys?
KYLE: Pit stop!
BOYS: Whoo!
KYLE: Bachelor party, phase one is over.
BOY 2: Our boy Dean here is tying the knot.
LUKE: Look, I was just closing up.
DEAN: Luke!
LUKE: Dean!
DEAN: That's funny.
LUKE: I wasn't even trying.
KYLE: We just need to refuel for phase two, sir. It won't take long.
DEAN: You wouldn't turn away a man on his wedding day, would you?
LUKE: It's not your wedding day yet.
BOY 1: That's what I keep telling him, dude. It's your last day of freedom.
BOY 2: Hey, we should get strippers, right?
DEAN: And cake.
BOY 3: Hey, my name's Luke, too. We should start a club or something.
LUKE: Yeah, that would be swell. Look, guys, why don't you go sit down over there? I'll make some coffee.
DEAN: Tomorrow is the big day, man - big day.
LUKE: You're tipping there, Dean. Watch him.
KYLE: I got him, sir. We really appreciate this, sir.
LUKE: Stop calling me that.
DEAN: He's a good guy, really.
LUKE: So, what was phase one?
KYLE: A case of beer in the JC Penney parking lot, then batting cages and laser tag.
DEAN: I've decided that I really like beer.
KYLE: I'm the designated driver.
LUKE: Good man.
KYLE: I'm in the Navy now, you know.
LUKE: Uniform tipped me off.
KYLE: My older cousins did two-year stints. It paid for their college and stuff, so I joined up. Of course, we weren't fighting international skirmishes on two or three dangerous fronts like we are now.
LUKE: Hey, what are you doing?
BOY 2: Sugar football.
LUKE: Don't.
KYLE: Come on, guys, respect the establishment. They're still kids.
LUKE: I got a better idea, guys. How about I whip up some pancakes real fast, help soak up whatever it is you drank?
KYLE: Sounds good. We'll be needing energy for phase two.
BOY 2: Strippers, right? We gotta get strippers.
BOY 3: Hey, how much do you give a stripper?
BOY 1: Well, that depends on what she does.
KYLE: Are they really prost*tute? 'Cause I'd feel bad if they were prost*tute.
LUKE: Look, guys, I gotta go in the back for a couple seconds. Don't drink anymore. Don't play jets. Don't jump on the furniture. Just sit still, okay?
BOY 2: And do what?
LUKE: I don't know. Make up a dirty version of the fight song or something.
BOY 1: Yeah!
BOY 2: Great idea!
DEAN: [mumbles] Rory.
BOY 3: What did he say?
BOY 1: Oh, he is so toasted.
DEAN: [mumbles] Rory.
KYLE: Did he say what I think he said?
LUKE: Hey guys, you know what I think? I think it's real late and that maybe you ought to cancel phase two.
BOY 1: No way.
KYLE: Hear him out, fellas.
LUKE: I mean, think about it, guys - how you gonna b*at laser tag?
BOY 1: I don't know.
BOY 2: Aw, is Dean sick?
LUKE: He just needs his rest. Kyle, why don't you march your friends out of here? I'll take care of the groom, and he'll see you all tomorrow.
KYLE: He's right, guys. Let's saddle up.
BOY 2: Aren't we getting pancakes?
BOY 1: I'm not feeling good.
LUKE: Come on, big guy.
DEAN: What?
LUKE: Try to walk.
[The boys leave, singing the fight song. Luke takes Dean upstairs to his apartment]
LUKE: Here we are.
DEAN: She's smart, man. You know, she's so smart.
LUKE: I know, I know.
DEAN: She could probably fix the world, you know?
LUKE: Right, right. She could team up with Kyle - her brains, his brawn.
DEAN: No, not Kyle - Rory.
LUKE: Almost there.
DEAN: She's the one, you know?
[Luke walks Dean over to the bed]
LUKE: Come on, Dean, just slide down there, stop talking.
DEAN: And the hair - pretty hair. She has the prettiest hair. And that head. What is that?
LUKE: Just your shoes. Shh.
DEAN: I miss her. Why didn't she love me?
CUT TO THE DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai and Sookie are standing out front while the Historical Preservation Society members look over the property]
SOOKIE: Scrubbing shower grout with a toothbrush.
LORELAI: Sure, sure. Flossing with that really, really fine floss that cuts between your teeth like a razor.
SOOKIE: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Staring into the sun.
LORELAI: 'Til you're blind.
SOOKIE: Absolutely.
[Michel walks over]
MICHEL: I feel very ugly this morning.
LORELAI: Join the crowd.
MICHEL: That unpleasant man and his cohorts in there?
LORELAI: And have been for about thirty frickin' minutes.
SOOKIE: Watching a foreign movie without subtitles.
LORELAI: Getting brain freeze from eating ice cream.
MICHEL: What are you doing?
LORELAI: We're listing all the things we'd rather be doing than this.
SOOKIE: What a mug.
LORELAI: It's like he sucked a lemon.
MICHEL: I've really grown to hate him.
LORELAI: Nice, huh?
MISS PATTY: Oh, so much potential.
LORELAI: Yeah.
TAYLOR: It needs a lot of TLC.
LORELAI: And we've got an abundance of it, Taylor. [quietly to Patty] Patty, please, please, help, help. He's k*lling me here, and you've got pull with him.
MISS PATTY: Oh, honey, I got my own remodeling to do on my studio that Taylor has to approve. I'm saving my pull for me.
LORELAI: Can't I have just a little teeny, tiny bit of your pull, please?
MISS PATTY: Oh, he's gonna see us talking.
TAYLOR: Lorelai, consultation, please.
LORELAI: Okay.
TAYLOR: This porch is falling apart.
LORELAI: I know.
TAYLOR: It's got live termites.
LORELAI: Big, fat ones.
TAYLOR: It's a safety hazard.
LORELAI: It's the first thing to go.
TAYLOR: To go? This porch can't go.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, Taylor. You just said it's falling apart.
TAYLOR: I didn't tell you to tear it down. It's historical. It has to stay.
LORELAI: No, no, the porch is not historical, Taylor. It was added in 1980.
TAYLOR: So?
LORELAI: So it's a 23-year-old porch. Unless you think Kate Hudson is historical, it's not historical.
TAYLOR: Not now, but how do you think we get historical 200-year-old structures if we tear 'em down when they're just 23?
LORELAI: Uh, it's rotting away.
TAYLOR: Which just means that your guests can't walk on it.
LORELAI: So they should hover over it?
TAYLOR: No, you could build a bridge over it, using appropriate materials, of course.
LORELAI: A bridge?
TAYLOR: Or you could build a transparent Lucite porch over this porch, so people could walk on the Lucite porch and see the old porch underneath the new porch.
LORELAI: Build a clear plastic porch over the rotting wood porch?
TAYLOR: With the proper permits, of course, and those are hard to come by.
LORELAI: That's it!
TAYLOR: Lorelai, watch it. I've got church later.
LORELAI: What did I do to make you t*rture me like this, Taylor?
TAYLOR: I don't know what you're talking about.
LORELAI: The hoops! The hoops with the jumping and the f*re and the hoops!
TAYLOR: It's just business, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I pay to shop in your store. I eat your banana splits. I've never physically hurt you. . .except for that one spit wad in the one town meeting, but I didn't mean for it to h*t your eye and I apologized profusely, so please, please, put me out of my misery and tell me what I need to do to make this thing happen!
TAYLOR: I want an ice-cream truck.
LORELAI: What?
TAYLOR: I want to sell ice cream off a truck in the summer. I want to park it in front of the soda shop. I want to ring the bell on it every day at noon, but the only place I can park it is the space that's partly in front of Luke's diner.
LORELAI: So?
TAYLOR: You have pull with Luke.
LORELAI: I guess, maybe.
TAYLOR: You're friends.
LORELAI: Yes.
TAYLOR: You can get him to agree to this.
LORELAI: Use my pull.
TAYLOR: If you don't mind.
LORELAI: So if I get Luke to agree to this, the madness stops?
TAYLOR: If that's what you want to call it.
LORELAI: The work begins and the porch goes?
TAYLOR: All expedited, nice and neat.
LORELAI: An ice-cream truck?
TAYLOR: An ice-cream truck.
LORELAI: You can go.
TAYLOR: Well, this has been a very successful outing. Back on the bus, everyone.
MICHEL: Unbelievable.
SOOKIE: Yup. Hey, when do you think you'll. . .[Lorelai walks away] Shortcut to Luke's.
MICHEL: How is she going to get over Potter's Creek?
SOOKIE: Jump it?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai rushes in, out of breath]
LORELAI: Give him his ice-cream truck.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: I forged a stream and I almost got att*cked by a beaver, and I'm not leaving here till you agree.
LUKE: To what?
LORELAI: You don't own the street, you own the building. It's a public street. Just let him park his stupid truck.
LUKE: I'm missing something here.
LORELAI: Don't change the subject.
LUKE: I don't even know what the subject is.
LORELAI: If you let Taylor park his stupid ringy-dingy ice-cream truck - not even in front of the diner, but in front of part of the diner - then I can start work on the inn. But if you don't say yes, then you may not have to see his truck parked outside, but you will have to see my body swinging from that tree over there because I will hang myself. I am waiting for your answer.
LUKE: Sure.
LORELAI: Sure what?
LUKE: He can park it there. What do I care?
LORELAI: Oh, don't kid around here.
LUKE: Your life's at stake. I wouldn't kid around.
LORELAI: That easy?
LUKE: That easy.
LORELAI: Well, why'd you say no before?
LUKE: When?
LORELAI: When Taylor asked you before?
LUKE: He never asked me before.
LORELAI: He never asked?
LUKE: Not about a truck - about a giant ice cream cone a few months back. I said no to that. Probably why he thought I'd say no to the truck.
LORELAI: He never asked?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: But you're fine with this, and he could have asked?
LUKE: It's a public street.
LORELAI: And you would have said yes?
LUKE: I'd have said yes.
LORELAI: And I wouldn't have had to go through all this.
LUKE: Probably not.
LORELAI: You know what, I've learned something very valuable here today. Come on in. Sit down there. Take a load off. Very valuable.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: I've had a business epiphany. It's like I'm Bud Fox, saying, "Thanks for the lesson, Mr. Gekko."
LUKE: This will pass, folks.
LORELAI: The Lorelai you knew is d*ad. Remember her? The eager to please, fresh of face? She thought that success in business meant working hard, applying yourself, and respecting your coworkers, and she preached that to others - oh, little child.
LUKE: You should probably get some rest.
LORELAI: It's about scratching backs, my friend, and kissing things - I won't be graphic.
LUKE: It is Sunday morning.
LORELAI: It's dirty, that's what business is. It's smoke-filled back rooms with exposed pipes and shady players chewing on fat cigars and twirling their dirty mustaches. And when you go into those rooms, you can't be a milquetoast muppet. You have to have pointy teeth and jaws that snap. The meek shall not inherit the earth!
LUKE: Thanks for the perspective.
LORELAI: Do you have any coffee?
LUKE: I'm not giving you coffee.
LORELAI: I don't have time for coffee. I gotta go find Taylor and close this deal. You think he's back at the store?
LUKE: Or having his dirty mustache cleaned.
LORELAI: You're good with the truck?
LUKE: I'm good with the truck.
LORELAI: Bless you. [leaves]
LUKE: I'll be right with you, folks.
[Luke walks upstairs to the apartment. Dean is sitting on the bed]
LUKE: So, you're up.
DEAN: Yeah, I'm up. It took me a minute or two to figure out where I am, but. . .
LUKE: Oh, that's right. You've never been here before.
DEAN: Yeah, it's not that I remembered. I just kinda looked out the window and that's how I could tell.
LUKE: Good, smart. [hands him a drink] Little concoction of mine - it'll help with the hangover.
DEAN: Guess I had a beer or two too many last night, huh?
LUKE: Yeah, it happens.
DEAN: Hope the guys didn't bug you too much.
LUKE: No, they were fine.
DEAN: Good.
LUKE: So, you're all dressed there?
DEAN: Yeah, uh, you know, big day - getting married.
LUKE: Getting married.
DEAN: Um, I'm due in the church in about an hour.
LUKE: Hey, uh, Dean. . .
DEAN: And I still gotta pick up my tux.
LUKE: Yeah, right.
DEAN: Um, thanks for everything, Luke.
LUKE: Yeah, sure. Good luck.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory and Lane are walking down the street]
RORY: So, a total strikeout, huh?
LANE: Total. And, you know, at first, I felt bad for them - so lacking in talent, yet so clueless. Then I just felt bad for their guitars.
RORY: Where are all the good young musicians these days?
LANE: My ears wanted to fly off my head. I'm going to the music store to look at things I can't afford. Want to come?
RORY: I have to go get ready for this.
LANE: Right. Tell me how it goes.
RORY: I will.
[Lane walks away. Luke walks out of the market]
RORY: Hey, Luke.
LUKE: Hey, Rory. Um, where's your mom?
RORY: Uh, around somewhere. Why?
LUKE: I thought I'd find her at Doose's. Did she go back to the inn, or. . .
RORY: She was going back to the inn, then she was picking up a wedding present for Dean from us, because she hates it when people send gifts later. And then depending on time, I was either gonna meet her back at home or at the church.
LUKE: She have her cell on her?
RORY: I think it's d*ad. What's going on?
LUKE: Or a pager or something?
RORY: Is something wrong?
LUKE: Oh, no, I just need to check something with her.
RORY: Well, we can stop by after the wedding.
LUKE: Don't go to the wedding.
RORY: What?
LUKE: Uh, don't go to Dean's wedding.
RORY: Why?
LUKE: I just. . .don't go. Trust me.
RORY: Okay.
LUKE: It'd just be better this way.
RORY: Okay.
LUKE: So, you're not going?
RORY: I guess not.
LUKE: Okay, good. Good. I'll see you guys later.
RORY: Yeah, Luke, I'll see you later.
LUKE: Okay.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Lorelai walks out of a store. Kirk walks up to her]
KIRK: Lorelai, do you have a minute?
LORELAI: Oh, sure, Kirk.
KIRK: We've had a successful disconnection.
LORELAI: No more alarm?
KIRK: No more alarm.
LORELAI: Fantastic.
KIRK: The roofer will be out tomorrow. The repair should take about a day.
LORELAI: I'm not gonna inquire about that right now.
KIRK: It's all taken care of, and I want to apologize for any inconvenience.
LORELAI: Aw, it was no big deal.
KIRK: I have this strong sense of chivalry when it comes to women living alone.
LORELAI: That's very nice.
KIRK: My family tree dates back to a 12th-century knight.
LORELAI: Wow.
KIRK: As a kid, I thought that meant we were related to Ted Knight. I wrote him a lot of letters. He never responded.
LORELAI: That's cute, though.
KIRK: I just want you to feel safe.
LORELAI: You really do, don't you, Kirk?
KIRK: So, I hope you don't mind my watching out for you.
LORELAI: Not at all. [she kisses his cheek]
KIRK: Thank you. I'll see you around.
LORELAI: See ya.
[Kirk walks away as Rory walks over]
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Ooh, hey. I think I found the perfect wedding present for Dean. It's sweet, not too personal, classy, yet cheap.
RORY: We're not going.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Luke was looking for you and ran into me, and he was all nervous and everything, and then he finally just said we shouldn't go.
LORELAI: What does that mean?
RORY: I think it means that we shouldn't go.
LORELAI: Did he give a reason?
RORY: Not really.
LORELAI: I'll go talk to him.
RORY: No, Mom, he seemed really serious, and I think that if you saw him you'd feel the same way. He was kind of upset.
LORELAI: About Dean's wedding?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: So, we're not going?
RORY: I think it's better that we don't.
LORELAI: Okay. Mystery, though.
RORY: Kind of.
LORELAI: Well, you've got your nothing-to-do weekend back.
RORY: Yeah, got that back. Um, Mom, Kirk's following us in a little clowny car.
LORELAI: He's watching out for us.
RORY: Okay.
CUT TO THE DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai and Sookie are standing on the porch with sledgehammers as Michel gets ready to take a picture]
MICHEL: Ready?
LORELAI: No, no, it's gotta look like we're actually demolishing the porch.
SOOKIE: We're gonna do pretend swings.
LORELAI: Which would have been easier if we had pretend sledgehammers.
SOOKIE: Why do they make these so heavy?
MICHEL: Well, even without the swing, this is a good picture of the two of you about to record an important moment for the two of you.
LORELAI: Um, Michel -
MICHEL: I would love a copy of this for my mantel, such a nice moment.
LORELAI: You have to be in the picture, too, Michel.
MICHEL: Me? I don't know. All right.
SOOKIE: That thing have a timer on it?
MICHEL: It's set. I framed the sh*t. Grab your hammer and smile.
[they pose for the picture]
LORELAI: One more for safety?
MICHEL: Okay.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Just sometimes, it hits me. This place had a long history before us, has a long future after us. I keep thinking it's apart of our lives, but, really, it's the reverse. For a little while. . .I don't know. . .it's like we're apart of its life.
SOOKIE: Yeah.
[The three of them pose for another picture]
CUT TO THE TOWN SQUARE
[Rory watches from afar as Dean and Lindsay walk out of the church after their wedding ceremony] | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x04 - Chicken or Beef"} | foreverdreaming |
written by John Stephens
directed by Neema Barnette
transcript by Stacy with assistance by Canopus
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sitting out front on the grass when Rory pulls up]
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Hi.
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Well, I'm gardening.
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm gardening.
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Why don't you come over here and see, honey, since you seem so confused?
RORY: Oh, my God. You are gardening.
LORELAI: Yeah. Hello. I am gardening.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Because Babette bought me a bag of bulbs.
RORY: Why would she do that?
LORELAI: She thought that cultivating new life would help distract me from my current emptiness and sense of loss.
RORY: Huh. Well, that's weirdly sweet of her.
LORELAI: Yes, it was. Anyhow, I forgot about the bulbs 'til Babette brought them up this morning, so I dug them out of the garage.
RORY: Ew!
LORELAI: Where they've developed some sort of mold.
RORY: This is the planet of the mold.
LORELAI: Help me.
RORY: Mom, I'm no botanist, but I don't think anything's gonna grow from this piece of tar.
LORELAI: Just put it in the hole and cover it up.
RORY: Why didn't you just throw them out?
LORELAI: There are eyes everywhere, my dear.
BABETTE: [calls from her front porch] Hey, doll, how you doing?
LORELAI: Great, Babette. Just tending my bulbs.
BABETTE: Makes you feel better, doesn't it?
LORELAI: Absolutely - much better.
BABETTE: You need any help?
LORELAI: Oh, no. I got Rory helping me.
RORY: Hi, Babette.
BABETTE: Hi, sugar. Don't worry, I'm looking out for your mom.
RORY: I'm glad to hear that.
BABETTE: Oh, and just you wait 'til spring. You're gonna wake up one morning, walk out, and pow - color coming out of your yin-yang! I'll see you girls tomorrow. [goes into her house]
LORELAI: I'm going to have color coming out of my yin-yang.
RORY: Well, then maybe you'll finally get a man. This has got to be the grossest thing ever.
LORELAI: Forget about the bulbs. Let's talk about something else. How's school?
RORY: School's fine. It's hard but good. Tanna's fine. Janet and Paris are fighting because Janet gets up at 5:30 to go jogging, wakes Paris up, and then the resulting argument wakes everybody up, and - oh! [screams and tosses a dirty bulb at Lorelai]
LORELAI: [screams] Oh, my God! You bulbed me! You bulbed me!
RORY: I was aiming over there.
LORELAI: Oh, it got my hand! It got my hand!
RORY: Shake it off. Shake it off.
LORELAI: Oh, it won't go! It won't go!
RORY: Aah! You wiped it on my shirt.
LORELAI: It was a reflex.
RORY: To ruin my shirt?
LORELAI: I'm sorry.
RORY: You never liked this shirt.
LORELAI: It's not that. It's just that -
RORY: Aah! There's something crawling up my leg!
LORELAI: Oh no, oh no! I got it, I got it.
RORY: There's something crawling up my leg!
LORELAI: I got it, I got it! Ew! It's big! Ew!
RORY: Okay, so the next time that Babette gives you a bag of bulbs to plant because you're lonely, you say. . .
LORELAI: No, thank you.
RORY: Class dismissed.
[opening credits]
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory is asleep in her bedroom]
PARIS: [overheard from common room] You could at least open a window.
JANET: Why?
PARIS: Because it smells like a locker room in here!
JANET: Tough luck!
PARIS: Fine!
[Paris walks into the bedroom]
RORY: Did the alarm go off?
PARIS: I shut it off. Who needs an alarm when you've got Workout Barbie around? Never mind that some of us were up finishing a chem lab 'til 2:30 in the morning! I for one love waking up at five a.m. to the sound of someone grunting out crunches in the common room!
RORY: I told you - earplugs.
PARIS: You know, she talks to herself when she stretches. "Come on, Janet. Push it, Janet. Love the pain, Janet." It's p*rn.
RORY: What time is it?
PARIS: I know what she's doing. It's psychological warfare. Don't let your enemy sleep. Push him 'til he cracks. Charlie tried the same tricks on our boys at Khe Sanh, and let me tell you, if she keeps this up, I am not gonna be responsible for what happens.
RORY: Oh, my God! Paris, breakfast is over in five minutes!
PARIS: I know. It's Tuesday, too. That's waffle bar day.
RORY: Why didn't you wake me?
PARIS: Oh, sure, blame me. I'm the victim here, remember?
CUT TO YALE CAFETERIA
[Rory rushes in wearing her pajamas and a robe]
RORY: Excuse me, excuse me. Can I. . .[she grabs the last waffle from a tray before the kitchen worker throws it out] Yes, thank you.
MARTY: Rory.
RORY: Marty.
MARTY: You remembered.
RORY: Well, I wasn't the one passed out in the hallway, so I had a better sh*t.
MARTY: True, very true. So, I see you're a little late for breakfast.
RORY: Yeah. My alarm was turned off.
MARTY: Well, hey, you want some eggs or something? I always take enough for ten. I blame my brother. He always took the biggest piece of chicken.
RORY: And left you none?
MARTY: No, there was plenty more. I just really wanted that big piece.
RORY: Oh. Well -
MARTY: Hey, I want you to meet The Breakfast Crew.
RORY: Oh, well, I'm kind of -
MARTY: Well, we all just started eating breakfast together every morning, so someone came up with the name The Breakfast Crew. I mean, it's not like an official club or anything. There's no hats. At least not until we can all agree on a color. Uh, excuse me, guys. I want you all to meet Rory.
GUY 1: Who?
MARTY: The robe.
GUY 1: Oh, the robe. Nice to meet you.
MARTY: I told them about your act of kindness.
RORY: Oh, it was nothing, really.
GUY 1: I wouldn't say that. That was one nice robe.
GUY 2: We all took turns trying it on.
MARTY: Uh, not true. Ignore him. I'm sorry I haven't gotten it back to you yet.
RORY: Oh, it's okay.
GUY 3: Nice bunny shoes.
RORY: Thank you. Uh, well, it was nice meeting you all. I actually have to go, so - [walks away]
MARTY: [follows her] I embarrassed you.
RORY: It's fine.
MARTY: I'm sorry. I was just so relieved that I could finally approach you.
RORY: Why couldn't you approach me?
MARTY: Well, that night was really humiliating, so every time I saw you after that, I just hid. But then when I saw you show up this morning like that, I thought, here's my chance to even the playing field.
RORY: Marty, this is not as embarrassing as being totally naked.
MARTY: No, it's not. But it's close
RORY: Um, well, consider the playing field leveled.
MARTY: Good. Uh, see ya, Rory.
RORY: See ya, Marty.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai is talking on her cell phone. While she talks, Luke tries to get her to take it outside. She walks slowly and lingers by the door]
LORELAI: [on phone] Exactly, yes, that's just the kind of thing we're looking for. Well, I'm so glad to hear that because the last three designers we met with had very different philosophies. Uh-huh. No, I didn't know you did the Silver Thatch Inn. Oh, that was so beautiful. Yeah. Okay. Well, why don't we, uh, meet, uh, Friday, say, around two o'clock? Okay. Luke's Diner. It's right in the middle of the town square. You can't miss it. Just follow the love. Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye. [hangs up]
LUKE: What was that?
LORELAI: I was taking it outside.
LUKE: Three people came in while you held the door open.
LORELAI: You're exaggerating.
LUKE: Why can't you respect the rules of my diner?
LORELAI: I do respect the rules of your diner. It's that baseball cap I have issues with.
[Michel walks in and sits down]
LORELAI: Hi.
MICHEL: Hey. All right, I've done extensive research, checked references, and prescreened three other designers for you. Here are their names.
LORELAI: Well, hopefully I won't need these. I think I just found a new designer for the inn.
MICHEL: Well, good. I love doing research just for the sake of doing research. I live to grow. Are you still buying me lunch?
LORELAI: I'd be happy to buy you lunch, but I should probably take you somewhere else.
LUKE: Why should you take him somewhere else?
LORELAI: Because, Kook Danes, Michel eats a very specific diet.
MICHEL: Normally, yes, that's true. However, every six months I give myself a crazy day where I can eat anything I want, and today's crazy day. Talk to me about your chocolate cake.
LUKE: What do you want to know?
MICHEL: Is it Mexican?
LUKE: Is what Mexican?
MICHEL: The chocolate.
LUKE: How would I know?
MICHEL: It would say so on the wrapper. You could go look. I'll wait.
LUKE: Take him somewhere else.
MICHEL: Oh, just bring me a doughnut, but put some sprinkles on it, okay?
[Lorelai's cell phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers] Hello?
EMILY: Do you know what one of life's great mysteries is?
LORELAI: Uh, Mom. . .
EMILY: Whether or not you're going to be joining us for Friday night dinner.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
EMILY: And since you pretend to be ignorant of the concept of the RSVP even though I know it was taught to you as a child, I am reduced to calling and asking you, are you coming?
LORELAI: Uh huh.
EMILY: Is that "uh huh, yes, I'm coming" or "uh huh, I was reading while you were talking"?
LORELAI: Um, tell you what, Mom - plan on me coming, and if I don't, then it'll just be a little more for everyone else.
EMILY: Lorelai, you know very well our dinners do not work like that. There is careful planning and shopping and preparation that goes into every meal no matter how boring and simple it may seem to you.
LORELAI: Oh, Mom -
[Lorelai throws something at Luke to get his attention.]
LUKE: Hey, what. . .get off that phone!
LORELAI: Oh, sh**t, Mom, there's no cell phones in here. I'll call you back later. Bye. [hangs up] And when I need you - nowhere.
CUT TO YALE CLASSROOM
[Rory is in her English class]
HEATHER: It's obvious Hemingway is just using Jake's impotence to indict a society which exploited its underclass to fight in the trenches of the first World w*r.
PROFESSOR: Interesting theory, Heather. What does everyone else think?
RORY: I don't know. I mean, isn't Jake's impotence more about that generation's loss of faith in love?
HEATHER: Ugh, please. That grossly ignores the social context.
TREVOR: Rory's right. The book's about a guy who can't sleep with the woman he loves. It's not some Woody Guthrie song.
HEATHER: But -
PROFERSSOR: Okay, hold that thought, Heather. We're out of time. Okay, everyone, we'll continue this Thursday. I'll see you all then.
RORY: Thanks for the save.
TREVOR: No problem. Heather can get a little "workers of the world, unite" sometimes.
RORY: Yeah, I've never actually met someone who likes the word bourgeois so much.
TREVOR: So, what are you up to this weekend?
RORY: Oh, studying. Sleep, hopefully. A rarity in my dorm room.
TREVOR: Yeah? Do you eat?
RORY: Habitually.
TREVOR: Ever been to Pancia di Lucca? I hear it's good.
RORY: Uh, no, I haven't.
TREVOR: Well, I was thinking of going there this weekend.
RORY: Oh, cool. Tell me how it is.
TREVOR: Okay, I will. Or, hey, you could come with me.
RORY: I can't this Saturday, but if it's good, maybe another time, okay?
TREVOR: Sure, okay. So, see you next week.
RORY: Bye, Trevor.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory walks into the house carrying a laundry basket]
LORELAI: Hey, what are you doing home?
RORY: Well, it seems that if you leave your laundry in the machine for even two minutes after it stops, some incredibly impatient person will come and take your nice clean clothes out and dump them.
LORELAI: Where?
RORY: Anywhere. The floor, the top of another dirty washing machine. My Belle and Sebastian t-shirt was in the garbage. So now, on top of a massive amount of reading and studying, I get to rewash my formerly perfect clean clothes.
LORELAI: Well, that's just wrong. I think you should quit school in protest.
RORY: Okay, if you say so.
[Rory reaches for a slice of pizza from the coffee table]
LORELAI: Oh, no, wait. That's not ours.
RORY: What do you mean it's not ours? Who's it for?
[Lane rushes into the house]
LANE: I've got five minutes. Where's the pizza?
LORELAI: Uh, there.
LANE: Thanks. Hi, Rory.
RORY: Hey, Lane.
LANE: My mom ordered all the okra in the Western Hemisphere. She got a great deal and I'm starving to death.
RORY: Swallow.
LANE: Between Seventh Day Adventist college and my mom's new fascination with ordering on the internet, my future looks very grim.
RORY: You want a Coke?
LANE: No, no time for liquids. I have to be home for dinner in four minutes. Another piece, please? Okay, great. Okay, this is good. You all look good. Things are good?
RORY: Things are -
LANE: Okay, gotta go. Thanks for the grub. [leaves]
LORELAI: She is so throwing up on the way home.
RORY: I'm gonna go put this stuff in the washer.
LORELAI: Wait, wait, have some pizza and tell Mama all about your day.
RORY: Okay. Oh, yesterday Janet woke up to find that Paris had chaired her in her room.
LORELAI: Oh, nice.
RORY: And then, later, when Janet had climbed out the window, she retaliated by gluing shut the opening of Paris' glue g*n.
LORELAI: Wow, she went for the crafts.
RORY: This w*r is getting totally out of hand. This morning Paris turned off my alarm because Janet woke her up. I almost missed breakfast. I ran down to the dining hall in my pajamas and bunny slippers, and of course I ran into Marty.
LORELAI: Naked guy.
RORY: It was totally humiliating.
LORELAI: Humiliating 'cause naked guy's hot?
RORY: It was humiliating because I had terrycloth rabbits on my feet.
LORELAI: So naked guy's not hot?
RORY: Naked guy is Marty, and it's not like that. He's sweet.
LORELAI: Ah. Sweet means bad butt.
RORY: Sweet does not mean bad butt. Sweet means sweet.
LORELAI: Poor naked guy. He should've left his clothes on.
RORY: Okay, you have got to stop talking about naked guy. I just met Marty.
LORELAI: All right. If not him, are there any other guys on the horizon?
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: No? How about a professor - someone older, wiser, with brown cords and whiskey breath?
RORY: Oh, well, yeah. There's one of those.
LORELAI: Come on, Rory.
RORY: Well, this guy asked me to go try this restaurant this weekend, but it was a totally casual thing.
LORELAI: So what'd you tell him?
RORY: That I was busy.
LORELAI: You don't like him?
RORY: No, I like him fine. I mean, he's smart, and he takes my side in the debates, and he's decent to look at.
LORELAI: So, why'd you say no? Too many clothes?
RORY: I don't know. He. . .he carries a bottle of water around with him all the time. That's just weird.
LORELAI: Right. Hydration. Very creepy.
RORY: And he's preppy, and I don't really like preppy. Plus, he's gonna go study in Barcelona next year.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: So it's a waste of time. It can't go anywhere.
LORELAI: It could go to dinner, maybe a movie.
RORY: Mom. . .
LORELAI: No, look, Rory, I know you've never really dated.
RORY: What are you talking about? I've dated.
LORELAI: Who did you date?
RORY: Dean.
LORELAI: You and Dean did not date. You had a relationship.
RORY: Well, Jess.
LORELAI: Was relationship number two.
RORY: So maybe I've never dated, but you haven't either.
LORELAI: I have dated at least once.
RORY: Mmhmm. You had me with dad - relationship.
LORELAI: Yes, but -
RORY: Max - relationship. Dad again - relationship.
LORELAI: Okay, fine, I may not be the world's best dater, but I do it and you should give it a sh*t. I mean, you're in college now. What else is there to do in college but date?
RORY: I'm gonna go wash my clothes now.
LORELAI: Wait. Was that it? Is this conversation over? Sorry, did I win?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and the decorator have books spread out on several tables around them]
NATALIE: Okay, here, I wanted to show you this.
LORELAI: Castles of Ireland?
NATALIE: There is a room in here that I've always wanted to do. Here it is.
LORELAI: Oh, I love that. What is that wall treatment?
NATALIE: That's anaglypta wallpaper.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm looking at anaglypta wallpaper.
LUKE: And the other three tables are here for support?
LORELAI: Well, we just had a lot of books to go through. Uh, Luke, this is Natalie Zimmerman. Natalie's gonna help us design the Dragonfly.
NATALIE: Nice to meet you.
LORELAI: Did I tell you we're gonna have horses?
NATALIE: The property already has s*ab, so why not?
LORELAI: I love horses. I've always loved horses ever since I was a little girl, and now I finally have a grown-up excuse to buy a pony.
LUKE: Great. Listen, National Velvet, you have to move this stuff out of here.
LORELAI: Why?
LUKE: Because this is a diner. People wanna sit.
LORELAI: This is business.
LUKE: No, this is business, and it's open, and it's decorated, and it wants its seats back.
LORELAI: Fine. Sorry about that. He's trying to steal the "World's Grumpiest Diner Guy" title from Mel.
NATALIE: No problem.
LORELAI: So you were telling me about anaglypta wallpaper?
NATALIE: Yes, it's a textured paper that we can paint or treat. We can even distress it if you want to give it a more, you know, vintage-y look.
LORELAI: Hm, that sounds interesting.
NATALIE: You know, Emily actually has some in the smaller upstairs guest bath. You should take a look at it the next time you're there.
LORELAI: Um, Emily? You mean like my mother, Emily?
NATALIE: Yes.
LORELAI: I didn't know you knew Emily.
NATALIE: Oh, yeah. I did her second-floor remodel about a year ago. I thought that's how you got my name.
LORELAI: Oh, no, I, uh, got your name from a magazine. So you know Emily?
NATALIE: It's a small world, isn't it?
LORELAI: Yes, yes, really small. About the same square footage as that box they threw McCain in.
NATALIE: So, are you ready to see bedrooms?
LORELAI: Yes, sure. Why not?
CUT TO YALE CLASSROOM
[Rory is in her English class]
PROFESSOR: Next week we finish up with "Snows of Kilimanjaro", then it is Hemingway's pal Scott Fitzgerald, so do yourselves a favor - get a jump on "Tender is the Night."
RORY: Wow. Good session today, huh?
TREVOR: It was fine.
RORY: I can't believe we sit around and talk about books and get graded on it. I mean, there's almost nothing I like more than talking about a good book or a bad book or a really thick magazine.
TREVOR: Mmhmm.
RORY: Hey, Trevor. You know what else I like to do besides talk about a really good book? Eat. Isn't that weird? And, actually, for me, they're linked. It's true. When I talk about a book, I get really hungry - starving. You ever experience that?
TREVOR: Not really.
RORY: Oh. Well, it happens to me all the time. Like right now, for example, starving, really. And I enjoyed "The Snows of Kilimanjaro" so much that I will probably be hungry for quite some time. All weekend, probably. Especially Saturday night.
TREVOR: Saturday night?
RORY: Saturday night.
TREVOR: Are you saying you want to go to dinner on Saturday night?
RORY: Wow. Um, okay. Yeah. Well, I will be hungry.
TREVOR: Well, that fact has been pretty well established.
RORY: Okay. Sure. Yeah, let's go to dinner Saturday night.
TREVOR: So, you're at -
RORY: Durfee, suite 5.
TREVOR: I'll pick you up at 7:30.
RORY: Sounds good.
TREVOR: Okay.
RORY: Wow. I gotta hand it to you there, Trevor. You sure are persistent.
CUT TO THE TOWN SQUARE
[Lorelai and Sookie walk down the street]
LORELAI: Davey? You're naming him Davey?
SOOKIE: Yes.
LORELAI: I love Davey.
SOOKIE: Me, too.
LORELAI: Oh, I can't believe you finally picked a name. It makes it real.
SOOKIE: Yes, because the stomach and massive ankles were too ambiguous.
LORELAI: Does Jackson like it?
SOOKIE: Uh, well, he's okay with the stomach, but the massive ankles freak him out.
LORELAI: The name Davey.
SOOKIE: It was actually his suggestion.
LORELAI: Really?
SOOKIE: He wanted Davey if it was a boy and Colgate if it was a girl.
LORELAI: Colgate?
SOOKIE: His great-grandmother's name.
LORELAI: Great-grandmother Colgate.
SOOKIE: Yup.
LORELAI: That's horrible.
SOOKIE: You know what's worse, she looked like a Colgate.
LORELAI: Well, at least you know it's gonna be a boy.
SOOKIE: Yes, but he doesn't know it's going to be a boy. And I realized he has to know that I thought Colgate was an insane name, but if I didn't fight him on it, it must be because I knew we weren't gonna have a girl and then he would know we were gonna have a boy, and that would spoil everything for him. So I told him, "We are not naming our daughter after a toothpaste!" We got in a big fight and we're not talking.
LORELAI: Cool!
SOOKIE: Yeah, I know. Everything's perfect. My baby has a name and my husband's sleeping on the couch. Oh, and I figured out that I'll go with the Avery stove for the inn. Is that okay? Because I know it's a little more expensive.
LORELAI: It's your kitchen, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Okay, good. I'm gonna call Natalie the minute I get home.
LORELAI: Hm.
SOOKIE: What's wrong?
LORELAI: Nothing.
SOOKIE: It's the Avery. It's too extravagant.
LORELAI: No, the Avery's fine. Everything's fine.
SOOKIE: You're sure?
LORELAI: I'm sure. Just. . .Natalie knows my mother.
SOOKIE: Emily? How?
LORELAI: Yes, because she did her second-floor remodel like a year ago.
SOOKIE: Oh, so she really knows your mother.
LORELAI: They've been shopping together. It's a bond. Sookie, I don't know if I -
SOOKIE: Lorelai, no.
LORELAI: She knows my mother.
SOOKIE: So what?
LORELAI: Sookie, my whole life, my whole existence, my essence, my being, my ability to be this sparkling creature standing here before you -- all of this depends on the complete and total separation of my life from my mother's life. That's how it works.
SOOKIE: But we like Natalie.
LORELAI: We do like Natalie.
SOOKIE: Remember all the other designers we met that we didn't like before Natalie? Remember the one that wanted to put the tiny mannequin in every room so that the lonely people would have someone to talk to?
LORELAI: Yes, I do.
SOOKIE: Or the purple, purple, purple guy.
LORELAI: Purple, purple, purple.
SOOKIE: They were horrible. And then we met Natalie, and she was perfect. Look, just try. At least give Natalie a chance, okay? Please?
LORELAI: I'll try.
SOOKIE: Good. I'm gonna go home and get going on the Avery.
LORELAI: All right. I have to stop by Luke's. I'll call you later.
SOOKIE: Okay. It's going to be fine.
LORELAI: Yes, it is.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey, Luke. What's going on?
LUKE: Oh, well. . .Tom called. The banister on the stairs has to be replaced. It'll be $4,000. Tamsin Cordally called. He needs a deposit on the quartersawn oak. It'll be $4,000. Julio the landscaper called. I have no idea what he said, but it's going to be $4,000. Vicki from Vicki's Horse Supply called. She thinks Pepper and g*n would suit your needs, but g*n snores, so the s*ab can't be too close to the guests' bedrooms. Rory's looking for her black Converse, and, oh, one last thing - I'm not taking messages for you anymore!
LORELAI: Sorry.
LUKE: What did you do, have business cards printed up?
LORELAI: People just know I'm here a lot.
LUKE: I missed a call from my meat guy because I was on the phone discussing g*n's deviated septum.
LORELAI: I'm gonna call all these people today and tell them never to call me here again.
LUKE: You bet you will.
LORELAI: Consider it done.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: Just -
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Just, uh, one more thing. Did a package arrive for me here today?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: I'm sorry. Never mind, never mind.
ED: Luke. Sorry. I'm cutting it kind of close here.
LUKE: Oh, sorry, Ed. I didn't realize you were cutting it kind of close. Everybody, drop everything. Ed's cutting it kind of close. Here's your tickets.
ED: You seem mad.
LUKE: Look, Ed, just go to the game and enjoy it, okay? Choke on a hot dog while you're at it.
ED: I have to tell you, Luke, I am never accepting anything free from you again.
LUKE: What a thr*at! Boy, you're a real master of fear, there, Ed. Look out, Jason and Freddy. Ed may never mooch off of either one of you ever again!
LORELAI: What is wrong with you?
LUKE: Nothing.
LORELAI: You're yelling at Ed.
LUKE: Ah, Ed bugs me.
LORELAI: Ed cries.
LUKE: I'm just having a bad day.
LORELAI: Zzz.
LUKE: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Days. You've been stomping around, barking at people for days.
LUKE: I have not.
LORELAI: Yes, Cujo, you have.
LUKE: I always talk to people like that.
LORELAI: No, Benji, you don't.
LUKE: I'll be fine tomorrow.
LORELAI: Really, Lassie? Why is that?
LUKE: Look, I bought these tickets for Nicole 'cause she's a Yankees fan. I thought it'd be nice if we went to a game together.
LORELAI: Oh, man.
LUKE: And it's no big deal. I mean, the closer it got to the game, the more I felt like a loser. I mean, I'm sitting on these tickets, which means I thought I'd still be in a relationship. I don't know. Stupid. I broke my own rule. I asked for it.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
LUKE: Never plan for anything more than two days in advance.
LORELAI: That's your rule?
LUKE: Yes, 'cause when you make plans, then you have expectations, and when you have expectations, then you will get disappointed.
LORELAI: Having expectations also gives you something to look forward to.
LUKE: Yes, then you're looking forward to being constantly disappointed.
LORELAI: You're not that cynical.
LUKE: I am today.
LORELAI: Hey, I have an idea. Tomorrow night is usually movie night.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Rory and I would always rent a bunch of movies, order food -- it was our thing. Now she's at school and busy, so why don't you come over? It might be fun.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: Yeah?
LUKE: Sure, what else have I got to do?
LORELAI: Ah, I love when men say that to me.
LUKE: What time?
LORELAI: Eight.
LUKE: Eight it is.
LORELAI: I'll stop by the video store and pick us up a couple movies. What do you want to see?
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: Well, come on, tell me. I don't want to get something you've seen.
LUKE: Don't worry about it. I haven't seen anything.
LORELAI: People always say that.
LUKE: Well, with me, it's true.
LORELAI: "Casablanca"?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: You have never seen "Casablanca"? Are you kidding?
LUKE: Just get anything, please.
LORELAI: "Chinatown"?
LUKE: Anything at all.
LORELAI: "Bonnie and Clyde"?
LUKE: A video game would be nice also.
LORELAI: "It Happened One Night"? "His Girl Friday"? "Treasure of the Sierra Madre"? "Diner"?
LUKE: I saw "Mr. and Mrs. Bridge."
LORELAI: Oh. My house, eight o'clock. We have such work to do.
LUKE: I'll see you there.
LORELAI: Oh, by the way, if my package arrives today, bring it with you, okay? Thanks.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings. The maid answers the door and lets Lorelai in]
LORELAI: Oh, hey. Uh, oh, oh, hold on, whoa. Wow, that could have been very ugly, huh? The great cappuccino disaster of 2003. Very sad -- Shelley Winters drowns. Think the coffee was stronger than I thought.
MAID: Can I take your coat?
LORELAI: Thank you.
MAID: Your daughter called and said she was gonna be late. Her class ran long.
LORELAI: Oh, so Rory's not here yet?
MAID: No, it's just you and your mother.
LORELAI: Huh. Hey. Oh, gosh. You know what? I just remembered I left something in the car, so I'll be right back. Could I - just - it's new. I can't be away from it just yet. Oh, thanks. Okay. Back in a flash.
[Lorelai goes outside to her car and turns on the radio. She starts dancing and mouthing the words to "Shadow Dancing." Emily knocks on the car door and startles Lorelai, who screams. She opens the window]
EMILY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I was looking for my lip gloss.
EMILY: You need the radio on to look for your lip gloss?
LORELAI: Well, uh, I came out here and I couldn't find it and so I thought maybe if I tried to retrace my steps, it would turn up.
EMILY: Very clever idea.
LORELAI: Yeah, I thought so. So I put my purse on the seat and I put the keys in the car, and naturally the radio came on 'cause that's what it does, and, uh, "Shadow Dancing" was playing, which was one of my all time favorite songs in junior high.
EMILY: And you forgot to look for your lip gloss.
LORELAI: Just for a second.
EMILY: Which makes sense since it's in the ashtray right next to you.
LORELAI: Oh, hey. It is. Look at that.
EMILY: Yes, it's a miracle. Come inside, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Well, can't I just wait 'til the song. . .I'm coming.
[they walk into the house]
EMILY: You can't sit here for three seconds without Rory.
LORELAI: Not true.
EMILY: Oh, stop it and sit down. I want to talk to you about something. I just found out that Sookie is pregnant.
LORELAI: Uh huh. Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it.
EMILY: May I ask why you didn't bother to tell me?
LORELAI: Uh, well. . .
EMILY: Lorelai, your not telling me about Sookie is unforgivable.
LORELAI: Why, it's not like you're such good friends.
EMILY: I went to her wedding.
LORELAI: So did Kirk.
EMILY: I haven't sent her a gift, Lorelai. How does that make me look?
LORELAI: Like you hate her and all childbearing women.
EMILY: You are so intent on keeping me out of your life.
LORELAI: It's not even my life. It's Sookie's life.
EMILY: A simple phone call to tell me that Sookie is pregnant.
LORELAI: How did you find out about it, anyway?
EMILY: Why, are you going to track down the informant and have him sh*t?
LORELAI: Maybe.
EMILY: It doesn't matter how I found out. I found out, no thanks to you.
LORELAI: Mom, please, just tell me how you found out.
EMILY: Why? Does it bother you not knowing?
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY: Me, too.
[Rory comes in]
LORELAI: Hey.
EMILY: Rory, you're here.
RORY: I'm so sorry I'm late, Grandma. Hi, Mom.
LORELAI: You'll pay.
EMILY: So come on, sit down and tell me all about Yale.
LORELAI: If you don't, she'll find out anyway.
RORY: Yale's interesting. It's a lot more free-form than I thought.
EMILY: Well, you're an adult now. They treat you like an adult in college.
LORELAI: In college, yes. In the Gilmore house. . .
EMILY: We've switched subjects, in case you were wondering. So tell me, what are your plans for the weekend? Any parties going on?
RORY: Well, yeah, there are always parties going on, but I'm not going to a party this weekend. I'm actually going on a date.
LORELAI: You are?
EMILY: Well, your first college date.
LORELAI: Who's the lucky guy?
RORY: Just a guy from my English class.
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Your English class.
LORELAI: What happened? I thought you turned him down.
EMILY: You turned him down?
RORY: I know, but I thought about it and I reconsidered.
LORELAI: What did you do? Did you ask him out?
EMILY: You asked him out? Oh, Rory, tell me you didn't ask a boy out.
RORY: I didn't ask him out. I just made sure he knew I was available.
LORELAI: Better, Mom?
EMILY: No, that's not better. Rory, you're in Yale, not Amsterdam. How you conduct yourself socially is as important as how you conduct yourself academically.
RORY: I promise, it was very proper.
LORELAI: Yes, Mom, she had a nice Tiffany lampshade over her red light.
EMILY: What do you know about this boy? Do you know where he's from, who his parents are?
RORY: No, I plan to find that out on the date.
LORELAI: What are you gonna wear?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: Do you want to borrow something of mine?
EMILY: No, she does not.
LORELAI: What does that mean?
EMILY: It's bad enough that you haven't taught your daughter how to interact with the opposite sex. You will not dress her up in one of your "Sex and the City" ensembles and send her out to tell the entire campus, "Don't worry. I'll ask you."
LORELAI: How do you know about "Sex and the City"?
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Lorelai, Sookie, and Natalie are browsing the store]
NATALIE: Okay, see, something like this outside against a wall - very "Little House on the Prairie" with a twist.
SOOKIE: I love "Little House on the Prairie." Jack the dog. Where is Lindsay Sidney Greenbush? When she came tumbling down the hill, I would just laugh.
NATALIE: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Yeah?
NATALIE: Well, what do you think?
LORELAI: Hm, I don't know. I'm not really sure.
NATALIE: Okay. Well, just keep in mind that anything you see here I can have duplicated. I've got this guy in Delaware that can knock off anything for about half the price.
LORELAI: Maybe we should go.
SOOKIE: What? We just got started.
LORELAI: Well, maybe we should think a little more before we shop.
SOOKIE: What are you talking about? We've been thinking for months. Let's start buying! Holy mother of God, this bench is $15,000.
NATALIE: We can find something else.
LORELAI: Oh, no, we don't have to find something else.
SOOKIE: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: We have absolutely no problem paying full price for that bench.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Yeah. No money problems or problems of any kind. Our entire lives are perfect. We have no complaints and plenty of money.
SOOKIE: What are you talking about?
NATALIE: You know what, I see a lawn jockey out there that looks very interesting. I'll be back. [leaves]
SOOKIE: We cannot afford that bench.
LORELAI: Oh, I know that. I don't want her to know that.
SOOKIE: Her - Natalie, her?
LORELAI: Yes.
SOOKIE: Why?
LORELAI: Because it could get back to my mother.
SOOKIE: What could get back to your mother?
LORELAI: That we have money problems.
SOOKIE: We do have money problems.
LORELAI: I know, but I don't want my mother knowing that we have money problems. I don't want any personal information leaked out because in Emily's hands, that could be a w*apon.
SOOKIE: Well, Natalie's not gonna say anything.
LORELAI: How do you know? How do you know she's not filling my mother in on our every move on a daily basis?
SOOKIE: You're being paranoid.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah? My mother found out about you being pregnant.
SOOKIE: Not from Natalie.
LORELAI: How do you know?
SOOKIE: Because Natalie herself didn't know until about a half an hour ago.
LORELAI: That's her story.
SOOKIE: Okay. This is getting crazy now. You have got to go out there and talk to her about this.
LORELAI: I don't know.
SOOKIE: It's the only fair thing. Come on. Go.
[Lorelai walks outside to Natalie]
LORELAI: Hey, um, look, Natalie, I, uh, have to say something to you. I feel a tad silly even mentioning it, but I think I have to.
NATALIE: Did I do something that -
LORELAI: No, no, no, no, you did nothing. You've been great, really. Um, great ideas, great attitude. It's just that. . .you know my mother.
NATALIE: Yes?
LORELAI: That's it. You know my mother.
NATALIE: Oh.
LORELAI: And my mother and I don't exactly have the smoothest of relationships.
NATALIE: Ah.
LORELAI: Right. I mean, we're not warring or anything, but it's just that we're very different, and I feel kind of weird sharing things with her.
NATALIE: Look, I promise you, I haven't been in contact with your mother for a long time. Maybe twice she called to get a couple of names, but that was it. I hadn't even met you yet. So trust me -- she knows nothing that you haven't told her yourself.
LORELAI: Oh. Okay. I feel really stupid right now.
NATALIE: No, don't. I enjoyed working with your mother, but this inn is the kid of thing that I love to do. And the place has incredible potential and somebody's gonna get a chance to make it a wonderful inn. I would be heartsick if I lost this opportunity.
LORELAI: Oh.
NATALIE: Look, I haven't spoken to Emily in months. I doubt I'll be speaking to her in the future. I promise.
LORELAI: Okay.
NATALIE: Really?
LORELAI: Absolutely.
NATALIE: I'm so glad.
LORELAI: So am I.
NATALIE: So now that I talked myself back into a job, what do you think the outlook for this lawn jockey is?
LORELAI: Not good.
NATALIE: Hm. Emily would hate it.
LORELAI: Wrap it up.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory is in her bedroom getting ready for her date]
RORY: Okay, so this is option number four. Tanna? Tanna?
TANNA: Yeah?
RORY: We're doing the whole bonding thing now.
TANNA: Okay. Sorry. Start again.
RORY: What do you think?
TANNA: Men respond subconsciously to a woman's pheromones. You should run in place 'til he gets here. It'll give you a nice musk.
RORY: Go back to your leg.
PARIS: Roommates meeting starts in two minutes. Hey, I told you to stop with the math and the Sharpies on my good sheets.
TANNA: Okay. Sorry.
PARIS: How come the puppy doesn't pee on your bed?
RORY: I'll be right out, Paris.
PARIS: Hurry up. All right, everyone, take a seat, please. Rory, one last curtsy, and let's move. [the roommates all gather in the common room]
RORY: My date will be here in ten minutes, so talk fast.
PARIS: Thank you all for coming. Now, I'd like to start this meeting by saying that no one here is on trial. This meeting is about healing, it is about redemption, it is about accepting responsibility and making amends.
JANET: I don't believe this.
PARIS: This is a forum for all of us to air our grievances so we can resolve them and go on with our lives. Hey, since I'm already standing, why don't I start?
TANNA: This is thrilling.
PARIS: Setting your alarm for 5:30 in the morning when no one else here shares the desire to put on nylon shorts and run in circles for an hour like a greyhound is selfish.
JANET: I have a partial athletic scholarship, Paris.
PARIS: The grunting and the sweating, and there are plastic balls everywhere.
JANET: One balance ball.
PARIS: No one can sleep. No one can breathe. Rory missed breakfast the other day. You've seen Rory eat. She cannot miss breakfast.
RORY: Paris has a point there.
JANET: Excuse me, but if I remember correctly, Rory missed breakfast because you turned her alarm off.
RORY: Janet does have a point there.
JANET: And while we're airing grievances, what about your stupid craft area? Everywhere you turn, there's glitter or seashells or macaroni. And the smell of the glue.
PARIS: Hey, I make things we can all enjoy. I am contributing. The coasters I make are for everyone. Those push-ups are for you and you alone.
JANET: I vote we get rid of craft corner.
PARIS: No, that's my emotional homework!
RORY: Okay, let's just all calm down for a sec.
JANET: No. I cannot calm down. I have tried to be reasonable. I have told myself over and over, "God, look at her. Imagine what she's been through to make her turn out like that."
PARIS: A lot!
JANET: But you're impossible! And frankly, I'm just sick of your constant negativity!
PARIS: You're on steroids, aren't you? That's what's behind this obsessive behavior.
JANET: You're calling me obsessive?
PARIS: I am not intimidated or afraid of you. [there's a knock at the door. Rory answers it]
TREVOR: Hi. You ready to go?
RORY: Just one sec. We're finishing up a roommates meeting.
PARIS: I'll race you.
RORY: What?
PARIS: To Hewitt Quad and back. I win, no alarm before seven a.m. You win, I move my crafts area into Rory's and my room.
RORY: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
JANET: Forget it. I am not gonna race -
PARIS: On your mark, get set, go. [runs out of the room]
JANET: Hey! [follows her]
TANNA: Now they're gonna have a nice musk.
RORY: Shall we?
TREVOR: After you.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai opens the front door. Luke walks in with some bags of takeout]
LORELAI: Ah, man bearing bags of food. Come in.
LUKE: I went a little overboard here.
LORELAI: No such thing.
LUKE: I got tons of fries, half a pumpkin pie. You got whipped cream here?
LORELAI: Always.
LUKE: And, uh, I wasn't sure what to do with the burgers because sometimes you order with double cheese, sometimes you don't, so I brought one with normal cheese and one with. . .[sees Chinese food containers on the coffee table]. . .what did you do?
LORELAI: I ordered food.
LUKE: I said I'd bring food.
LORELAI: So I can't contribute, like I'm a piker?
LUKE: No. Just that I didn't need to bring food.
LORELAI: Well, I'm leftover girl. I'll have the burgers tonight and the Chinese food during the week.
LUKE: Then you just should have ordered the Chinese fresh tomorrow instead of tonight.
LORELAI: I don't like fresh Chinese food. I like stale Chinese food.
LUKE: I give up.
LORELAI: I got you a nice, cold beer.
LUKE: Appreciate it.
LORELAI: Okay. You are one click away from "Casablanca."
LUKE: Start it up.
LORELAI: No, whoa, whoa, whoa. We need to get situated. Are you all situated?
LUKE: I'm situated.
LORELAI: You need to, like, squish around a little.
LUKE: I don't need to.
LORELAI: Come on, squish around a little bit.
LUKE: I'm fine how I am.
LORELAI: Okay, but, uh, you can't squish during the movie because it's distracting. That's rule number one.
LUKE: There's rules?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, especially for a true classic like "Casablanca." It's not like we're watching a there's-nothing-else-on movie or a guilty pleasure like "Hardbodies." Oh, my God. Have you seen "Hardbodies"?
LUKE: I don't think so.
LORELAI: Three middle-aged guys rent a beach house and they hire this young local stud to introduce them to cute girls, a.k.a. "Hardbodies."
LUKE: Let's see that.
LORELAI: No, Luke, we're seeing "Casablanca."
LUKE: Then let's see that.
LORELAI: Okay, the rest of the rules - no talking during the movie. No exceptions during a true classic. And minimize distraction. You know, no shifting around a lot, no phone calls, nothing. No going to the bathroom. If you go, you miss the movie 'cause we're not pausing the movie. That's the only way to get the flow of the thing, okay?
LUKE: Fair enough.
LORELAI: Okay. Here we go. [starts the movie]
LUKE: What's that?
LORELAI: Okay, um. . .A, um, no talking during the movie, and B, don't tell me you've never seen the FBI warning before.
LUKE: It's new to me.
LORELAI: Oh, my God. You're beyond monk. You're uber-monk.
LUKE: Just start it up. I won't talk again.
LORELAI: Okay, just one more warning - when they showed the first motion picture over a hundred years ago, it featured a train rushing toward the camera, and, um, people were so sure the train was going to burst off the screen and crush them that they ran away in terror. Now, Luke, the train is not going to leave the screen.
LUKE: h*t the button.
LORELAI: Okay.
CUT TO ITALIAN RESTAURANT
[Rory and Trevor are on their date]
HOSTESS: Hang onto this. We'll page you when the table's ready.
TREVOR: Thank you. A riot of color. Geeky but cool. Ever been to Italy?
RORY: No. Yes. What am I saying? Yes. I was just there. Duh.
TREVOR: Hard thing to forget.
RORY: Yeah. I'm just so used to not having been anywhere, but yeah, I have.
TREVOR: And what's it like?
RORY: Terrific.
TREVOR: Boy, they have these places all over. Two in Miami, Detroit. Hey, two in my hometown. Now, that's a great town.
RORY: Definitely.
TREVOR: So you've been there?
RORY: Where?
TREVOR: Chicago.
RORY: Is that were you're from?
TREVOR: Oh, I thought you saw where I was pointing.
RORY: Oh, no. Um. . .
TREVOR: You know, I miss things about home that I didn't think I'd miss. Like my little brother Brian. He drove me crazy my whole life, and now I can't wait for his e-mails. You have any siblings?
RORY: No. You know, I read this article once about restaurants like this where they have an open bowl of mints that you grab on your way out. And when people come out of the bathroom, a lot of them don't wash their hands. They'll grab a mint and walk out, and people have studied the mints and they found traces of urine in them, so they're urine mints.
TREVOR: Huh. Oh. Hey, we're being paged.
RORY: Good.
HOSTESS: Right this way.
[The hostess leads them to their table. Rory sits down, and Trevor sits down next to her on the same side of the table]
RORY: Oh.
TREVOR: Thank you.
HOSTESS: Enjoy.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Luke are watching the movie]
LUKE: Stop doing that.
LORELAI: Shh, no talking.
LUKE: Then stop doing that.
LORELAI: Doing what?
LUKE: Looking at me.
LORELAI: Vain party, table for one.
LUKE: You know what I mean. You're watching me watch the movie. It's creepy.
LORELAI: I enjoy watching people watch certain parts of certain movies.
LUKE: But you look over just before something big happens, so I always know something's coming.
LORELAI: Oh, I do?
LUKE: You did it just before Humphrey Bogart saw Ingrid Bergman for the first time.
LORELAI: Well, she's the costar. You knew something was coming. [she rewinds the movie a little]
[the phone rings]
LUKE: There goes our flow.
LORELAI: Well, we missed stuff while we were talking.
[the answering machine comes on]
LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hi, it's Lorelai. Leave me a message.
LUKE: You're back too far, we've seen this.
LORELAI: I didn't. I was looking at you.
LUKE: We'll never get through this.
RORY: [on answering machine] Mom, are you there?
LORELAI: Oh, wait, wait.
LUKE: Come on.
RORY: [on answering machine] Mom, if you're there, pick up.
LORELAI: [answers phone] Honey, are you okay?
LUKE: There goes the phone rule.
RORY: No, this whole night is sucking.
LORELAI: What? How?
RORY: You're right - I've never dated before, and I know that now because of this feeling I have. I've never had this feeling before.
LORELAI: Sort of frozen, sort of unsure, sort of wishing you'd read a lot of dating articles in preparation?
RORY: I have no idea what I'm doing here, and everyone is staring at me because they know we're on a bad first date.
LORELAI: Oh, so the guy's a dud?
RORY: Trevor's fine. I'm moronic. I bring the conversation to a crashing halt every time I speak.
LORELAI: Well, where is he now?
RORY: In the bathroom, probably pondering my brilliant anecdote about urine mints.
LORELAI: About what?
RORY: You know, when people go to the bathroom and they don't wash their hands and they come out and they take a mint.
LORELAI: Oh, my God. I've been eating those mints for years. [to Luke] Hey, did you know about urine mints?
LUKE: What?
RORY: And I've already forgotten everything that he said to me - the name of his brother and sister and best friend. And we're sitting on the same side of the table. We keep bumping menus, and my neck already hurts from trying to turn and look at him when he talks. Can I tell him to sit on the other side?
LORELAI: Honey, you just. . .you have to relax, 'cause it's just a date, and sometimes dates don't go well. I mean, I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but if he comes back and you're on the phone, it might make things more awkward.
RORY: Bite the b*llet, huh?
LORELAI: Yeah. Sorry, but yeah.
RORY: Okay. I'll talk to you later.
LORELAI: Bye. [hangs up] Oh, poor thing.
LUKE: Dating's the worst.
LORELAI: Yeah, but they're sitting on the same side of the table and that's awkward, and she can't think of what to say next, and you know, she's just gotta go through it and figure it out on her own. You just have to throw them out there and let them learn what those wings are for.
LUKE: She could say there's a draft.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Where she's sitting. She could say the air conditioning is hitting her, switch to the other side, and just blame it on that.
LORELAI: That's perfect.
[Lorelai calls Rory back]
RORY: [answers phone] Mom?
LORELAI: Hey. Is he back yet?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Say there's a draft and move to the other side of the table. It's very ladylike to feel drafts. He'll totally understand.
RORY: Okay, good.
LORELAI: And then ask what his brother and sister's names are. He'll like that you cared enough to confirm.
RORY: Yeah, that seems right.
LORELAI: Don't worry about the conversation. Just talk, and if the talk doesn't flow, it doesn't. And stay away from urine-related topics, and you're good to go.
RORY: Thanks, Mom.
LORELAI: Oh, the draft thing was Luke's.
RORY: Well, thank him for me, too. I'd better go.
LORELAI: Go, go. [hangs up] Oh, good. I feel so much better. She says thanks.
LUKE: I wouldn't trade places with her for the world.
LORELAI: Really? You wouldn't want to go out with a boy named Trevor? You might want to wait and see his picture.
LUKE: I mean dating. It's a horror.
LORELAI: It's the only cure for the singleness thing, barring ordering a spouse off the internet.
LUKE: I missed nothing by not dating.
LORELAI: Not true.
LUKE: If I had dated a lot, I'd still be single. I'd just have spent a lot of bad nights at Tony Roma's.
LORELAI: Yeah, but dating is how you get to know your potential partner. It's the only way.
LUKE: There's the gut. I can tell if I'm comfortable with someone within seconds of meeting them. I feel it here. I felt it with Rachel. I felt it with Nicole. I was immediately relaxed.
LORELAI: You've got the gut thing.
LUKE: Well, it's just knowing that someone will let you be. That's a gut thing.
LORELAI: Aah! You're fast-forwarding.
LUKE: Well, we'll not gonna get through this thing. I just wanna get to the good parts.
LORELAI: There are no bad parts of "Casablanca." Just go back. Back. I'm gonna go grab dessert.
[Lorelai walks to the kitchen as the phone rings]
LUKE: Hey, phone again.
LORELAI: Ugh.
LUKE: [answers phone] Hello?
EMILY: Who is this?
LUKE: Who's this?
EMILY: This is Emily Gilmore. Who's this?
LUKE: Luke Danes, Mrs. Gilmore. Your daughter's friend from the diner. Uh, hey, I'm not really supposed to be talking to you here. Hang on.
LORELAI: Why did you answer the phone?
LUKE: You answered it before.
LORELAI: Yeah, but that was Rory. You should have told her I'm not here.
LUKE: Then what would I be doing here?
LORELAI: Light maintenance.
LUKE: Come on, take it.
LORELAI: You broke a rule.
LUKE: You've broken every rule.
LORELAI: Yeah, but dodging my mother's phone calls is not a movie-night rule. It's an always rule. [she takes the phone] Hi, Mom. What's up?
EMILY: So now you're telling people they can't speak to me?
LORELAI: No, Mom. It's just a little movie-night rule. If you and Luke wanna talk, you guys can talk.
EMILY: I'm talking about Natalie Zimmerman.
LORELAI: Natalie?
EMILY: I called her today about sprucing up a room she did for me a year ago, and, as you would say, she blew me off.
LORELAI: Well, what did she say?
EMILY: She said she couldn't help me out, but she wouldn't say why, so I leaned on her a bit. She cracked and said she'd made you certain promises.
LORELAI: Mom, I never told her she couldn't work for you.
EMILY: She said you did.
LORELAI: Well, no. Our agreement was -
EMILY: So there was an agreement.
LORELAI: Yes, but -
EMILY: To exclude me?
LORELAI: No. Well, not exactly.
EMILY: You know, Lorelai, perhaps it would be easier if you just gave me a list of the people I'm not allowed to have contact with. So far I know there's Natalie and Sookie and Luke on movie night. What about Richard? Am I still allowed to talk to my husband?
LORELAI: Mom, this is just a big misunderstanding. Go ahead and hire Natalie.
EMILY: But you'll still have a problem with both of us using her.
LORELAI: I will cease working with her. She's all yours. I'll tell her tomorrow.
EMILY: Oh, wonderful. So it'll be my fault she loses the job. No, Lorelai, you keep her, and I promise I'll never speak to her - ever. If she's bleeding on the side of the road, I'll drive by and pretend I didn't see.
LORELAI: Mom. . .
EMILY: I have to go.
LORELAI: I'm f*ring Natalie.
EMILY: That's up to you.
LORELAI: Consider it done.
EMILY: I'll see you Friday.
LORELAI: Yup. [hangs up] I know just how you feel, Rick.
LUKE: Shh.
LORELAI: Tsk.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Later that night, Rory walks through the front door]
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: Hey, hey. Shh.
[Luke is sleeping on the couch. Lorelai covers him up with a blanket]
RORY: Tell me he didn't fall asleep during "Casablanca."
LORELAI: No, we made it through "Casablanca." He fell asleep during "Hardbodies."
RORY: How do you fall asleep during a classic like "Hardbodies"?
LORELAI: There's no accounting for taste.
RORY: He looks comfy there, doesn't he?
LORELAI: Yeah, he does. [they walk to the kitchen] So, you wanna talk about it or you wanna forget about it?
RORY: Well, there's nothing much to talk about. It was just bad. I got a little better as the night went on - talked a little more. He was very nice, just not my type. Oh, and the whole draft thing backfired.
LORELAI: How so?
RORY: Well, I switched over to the other side of the table. Then he started to feel the same draft and came over to my side.
LORELAI: But we made up the draft.
RORY: The power of suggestion.
LORELAI: Boys are so malleable.
RORY: It just all seemed so forced. I mean, I felt like I was locked into the pointless societal ritual. There has to be another way.
LORELAI: Luke and I were debating that. Luke thinks it's all about gut instinct - you know instantly if a person is right for you. I think you have to go through a lot to find a contender. And you've been very lucky with boys before. They were just always sort of there, but I think for the most part, a girl's got to hunt a little.
RORY: And go through a lot of non-contenders.
LORELAI: Yes, then the non-contenders become your fun bad-date anecdotes. In fact, on your next date, if you're stuck for a topic, tell him about your bad date.
RORY: But what if that date is bad?
LORELAI: Then you have an anecdote for your next date.
RORY: And how long does this go on?
LORELAI: You've seen "Grey Gardens." It could go on forever.
RORY: Oh, well, just sh**t me now.
LORELAI: Hang in there. Go with Luke's gut thing if all else fails.
RORY: Maybe.
CUT TO YALE LAUNDRY ROOM
[Rory walks in. A guy is taking some clothes out of a dryer]
RORY: Oh, um. . .
GUY: Yeah?
RORY: I think my clothes were in there.
GUY: Oh, yeah, somebody had already dumped them out, so I put 'em in my basket to keep 'em clean. Hope you don't mind.
RORY: No. Thanks. Wow, that's the coolest laundry basket I've ever seen. I love The Smiths.
GUY: I had an older brother that got me into them, and when my friends were listening to Hootie and the Blowfish, I was memorizing "Meat is m*rder."
RORY: Well, I have a mom who's pretty much cooler than anyone you'd meet, and she did the same thing.
GUY: Mine's a plain old soccer mom, but she's great.
RORY: Well, being away like this makes you think about stuff like that, doesn't it - home?
GUY: Totally.
RORY: Hey, would you maybe wanna get a cup of coffee sometime, in between classes or something?
GUY: I don't think so, but thanks. [leaves]
RORY: You're welcome.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x05 - The Fundamental Things Apply"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Matthew Diamond
transcript by Stacy with assistance by Canopus
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, Emily, and Richard are eating dinner]
EMILY: It's simply disgraceful.
RICHARD: For years, we've had peace in the neighborhood.
EMILY: I knew the Richmonds were going to be trouble when they missed the block party last month.
LORELAI: I don't understand. They gave out full-size candy bars for Halloween. So what?
EMILY: Not full-size candy bars, Lorelai - king-size candy bars.
RICHARD: We've been giving out full-size candy bars for years now.
EMILY: And then those people move in and throw the entire balance of the neighborhood off. They made everybody look ridiculous.
RICHARD: It's very embarrassing.
EMILY: I think we have to do something about this - maybe go to the homeowners association.
LORELAI: Two Halloweens ago, someone painted the Duprees' Chihuahua orange and nobody went to the homeowners association then.
EMILY: Well, everybody hated Taco.
LORELAI: I think you're making a little too much of this.
EMILY: I saw Mae Richmond at Bay Wellington's two weeks before Halloween. She had ample time to bring it up then, and nothing - not a word. I think it might be time to go after their ball machine.
RORY: Their ball machine?
RICHARD: They have a ball machine on their tennis court that is extraordinarily loud and unpredictable.
EMILY: Flying, thumping balls all over the place.
LORELAI: Flying, thumping what all over the place?
EMILY: Balls.
[Lorelai giggles]
EMILY: You are four.
LORELAI: And balls are funny.
RICHARD: Don't worry, Emily. If the homeowners association doesn't do anything, we'll take this to the neighbors, get a petition going.
LORELAI: Or if that doesn't work, you could throw some hoods on and burn a full-size Mars bar on their front lawn.
EMILY: King-size, Lorelai - king-size.
RORY: So, how's work, Grandpa?
LORELAI: Look how smoothly she changes the subject.
RICHARD: Work is lovely, Rory. How's school?
RORY: Crazy.
LORELAI: She's taking too many courses.
RORY: I am not.
EMILY: How many are you taking?
LORELAI: Five.
EMILY: Is five a lot?
RORY: It's not a lot
LORELAI: It is a lot.
RICHARD: I took five courses when I was a freshman. Rory takes after me.
RORY: I like to be busy.
RICHARD: Idle hands are the devil's playthings.
LORELAI: That's actually the title of one of her classes.
RORY: Please don't worry about me.
LORELAI: She says to the mother and the grandmother.
EMILY: Are you done?
RORY: Oh, yes, thank you.
EMILY: Good, because we have mini lemon bundt cakes for dessert.
LORELAI: Oh.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Well, they're serving full-size bundt cakes over at the Richmonds' house.
EMILY: She's done.
LORELAI: Oh, no, I have a carrot.
EMILY: She's done.
LORELAI: Bet the Richmonds would have let me eat my carrot.
[opening credits]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily walks into Richard's study, where a photographer is setting up to take a picture of Richard and Jason]
EMILY: All right, this should do it.
RICHARD: May we please get this over with?
EMILY: Patience is a virtue, Richard.
RICHARD: And time is fleeting, Emily.
EMILY: You're starting a new partnership. You need new photographs, especially with that new look.
JASON: I thought I'd give a beard a try.
EMILY: Well, I like it. All right, Helmut, we're all set here.
HELMUT: Okay. Important men doing important things. [takes a picture] Good. Oh, one more time. We're going to sign, and. . .[takes another picture] We're done.
EMILY: Thank you, Helmut. That was wonderful.
RICHARD: And now we sign the real papers.
JASON: I'm feeling historic. You?
RICHARD: Oh, yes. It's Gettysburg all over again. Thank you.
JASON: Important men doing important things.
RICHARD: Now that makes it official. Jason.
JASON: Let's give 'em hell.
RICHARD: You bet.
EMILY: Oh, I should have had Helmut get the handshake.
RICHARD: The signing was fine, Emily. Sorry about the photo session.
JASON: Oh, no, that's okay. I think it's a cute idea.
EMILY: Yes, and when the financial papers call for an official photo, it'll be downright darling.
RICHARD: I learned long ago, Jason, when it comes to things like this, Emily is always right.
JASON: I am sure she is.
EMILY: Thank you both. Jason, how's your time? Would you like to join us for dinner?
JASON: Oh, I'd love to, Emily, but I should get these papers up to my lawyer's office. Next week?
EMILY: Consider it an open invitation.
JASON: Thank you. Richard, I'll see you tomorrow morning.
RICHARD: Yes, you will.
[Jason leaves]
EMILY: "I think it's cute."
RICHARD: He's young, Emily.
EMILY: Yes, well, a good smack on that scruffy face of his would age him up a bit. All right, let's discuss the launch party. Do you have any sort of particular feel in mind?
RICHARD: Well, I'll leave that to your discretion. Just make sure it's dignified.
EMILY: We probably shouldn't go too fancy. Maybe we'll do one of those vodka bars - caviar, a Russian theme. I love that it's okay to be Russian again.
RICHARD: It sounds lovely.
EMILY: How's the 23rd?
RICHARD: Perfect.
EMILY: And I want you to get a new suit.
RICHARD: I don't need a new suit.
EMILY: And find out what Jason's going to wear. I don't want the two of you showing up looking like the Bobbsey twins.
RICHARD: Oh, yes, that would be embarrassing.
EMILY: I'll need a guest list.
RICHARD: Uh huh.
EMILY: A Russian theme. I like that.
CUT TO YALE CLASSROOM
[Rory is in one of her classes]
PROFESSOR: The conquering peoples impose their own values on the subjugated peoples through education, and quite often through the appointment of a priesthood from among their own ranks. This means we should not assume that the system of values has in some way evolved in a region. It is almost always imposed with the explicit purpose of keeping power in the hands of the powerful. Something to think about until next week, when we will burst more of your illusions. . .which brings me to a bit of bad news. There was an error in the syllabus you received. The dates were wrong, which means that all of your reading has been pushed up one week. I apologize for this cruel little life experience, but what can I do? I just found out my in-laws are moving back to town. None of us are immune. I'll see you all Tuesday.
CUT TO THE DRAGONFLY INN
[The construction crew is working on the inn. Lorelai and Tom walk over to the barn.]
LORELAI: So, we were thinking maybe two horses to start with. See, it's so charming with the overhang here.
TOM: You want me to turn this into s*ab?
LORELAI: Yes.
TOM: Without a magic wand or some sort of fairy dust?
LORELAI: Preferably, yes.
TOM: Let me take a look inside.
LORELAI: We'd like to keep the existing structure, please.
KIRK: Lorelai, I'm all set up as soon as you're ready.
LORELAI: Be right there, Kirk.
KIRK: Okie dokie.
TOM: How attached are you gonna get to these horses?
LORELAI: What?
TOM: You gonna name 'em, feed 'em apples, braid their tails?
LORELAI: Why, Tom?
TOM: Well, the roof's about to cave in so I can stay within our budget, but then I'd just call 'em all Trigger.
LORELAI: Just tell me how much more it's gonna cost.
TOM: Okay.
[Sookie arrives]
SOOKIE: Hey, you're here.
LORELAI: I'm always here.
SOOKIE: Listen, I want to talk to you about something very exciting.
LORELAI: Ooh, very exciting. I love very exciting.
SOOKIE: This morning I got a call from your mother.
LORELAI: This is the very exciting?
SOOKIE: Yes! She's doing a launch party for your father's new business and she wants us to do the catering.
LORELAI: Us?
SOOKIE: Us!
LORELAI: Did you say us?
SOOKIE: Yes.
LORELAI: To her. Did you say "us" to her?
SOOKIE: Yes.
LORELAI: So she knows about us?
SOOKIE: Yes, she knows about us, I think. What does she know about us?
LORELAI: That we have a catering business?
SOOKIE: Yes.
LORELAI: Oh, man!
SOOKIE: What? Did I do something bad?
LORELAI: No, nothing, nothing. It's my fault. I forgot to tell her.
SOOKIE: How could you forget to tell her?
LORELAI: Well, I've only seen her forty or fifty times since we started the business. Now what did she say exactly?
SOOKIE: Well, she asked me to cater, and I said we'd love to, and then she said, "we?" so I said you and I had started a company, so it'd be the both of us together, and she said fine.
LORELAI: Was there a pause before "fine" or was it just "fine"?
SOOKIE: I don't remember. I just remember the "fine."
LORELAI: She's mad.
SOOKIE: I swear she didn't sound mad.
LORELAI: Okay.
SOOKIE: Good.
LORELAI: Now let's talk about how much I can't do this.
SOOKIE: Look, I knew it would be a thing working for your mother, but it's perfect timing. This is probably the last job we'll be able to take before I have the baby.
LORELAI: Something else will come along.
SOOKIE: Not that pays like your mother does.
LORELAI: You know why she pays so much? So she can t*rture you and you won't throw knives at her.
SOOKIE: Look, you already know the house. Decorating, planning - it's gonna be a snap for you. I bet you can spend ninety percent of the evening in the kitchen, then we get to take home the pretty, pretty money.
LORELAI: Sookie.
SOOKIE: Pretty, pretty money. Aren't you a big fat wad of pretty money?
LORELAI: Fine.
SOOKIE: Really?
LORELAI: Shouldn't ask again.
SOOKIE: Accepting and moving on.
KIRK: Excuse me, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, my God, Kirk, I forgot you were here.
KIRK: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.
LORELAI: I'm very, very sorry. You have my full attention.
SOOKIE: I'm gonna go. Um, we'll talk tomorrow about the details.
LORELAI: Okay. All right, Kirk, show me what you got.
KIRK: If you'll just follow me, I would like to present you with my new line of one-of-a-kind mailboxes.
LORELAI: Wow. They look very nice, Kirk.
KIRK: And whimsical. They say to the world, "I'll take my mail with a smile."
LORELAI: Yes, they do say that.
KIRK: And since you are one of our preferred customers, with the purchase of one of our mailboxes, I'll throw in a carved-duck doorstop and a garlic peeler.
LORELAI: Wow, that's quite an offer, Kirk, but I think it's a little early for me to pick a mailbox. We haven't even settled on a color for the inn yet.
KIRK: Well, whimsy goes with everything.
LORELAI: Kirk, I promise, just as soon as. . .is that Condoleezza Rice?
KIRK: Yes, it is. I'm a fan, and her big mouth is perfect for shoving mail in.
LORELAI: Ha. Uh, I'll have to think about it.
KIRK: Fair enough. So, I hear you're running a catering business now.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, just temporarily.
KIRK: You guys any good?
LORELAI: Not bad.
KIRK: And how much would one have to pay for your culinary services?
LORELAI: It depends, the type of food, number of people, kind of venue.
KIRK: Simple food, two guests, my mother's living room.
LORELAI: Really?
KIRK: I have a visitor coming in from out of town and I thought it would be nice to serve her a catered meal.
LORELAI: Her?
KIRK: Actually, she was my brother's ex-girlfriend - Lulu.
LORELAI: Good name.
KIRK: I had sort of a crush on her for a while, and she's coming home to visit her mother, and she called me.
LORELAI: Kirk, you have a date.
KIRK: No, just an appointment to take Lulu to dinner.
LORELAI: That's a date.
KIRK: I don't have high hopes for it, if that's what you're thinking.
LORELAI: Kirk, it's very sweet, but are you sure you want to have dinner in your living room?
KIRK: Well, the breakfast nook doesn't seem festive enough.
LORELAI: Right, but while you're having dinner in your living room, where will your mother be?
KIRK: Probably in the living room.
LORELAI: Is that what you really want? To have dinner with your mother watching?
KIRK: I could ask her to face the wall.
LORELAI: Or you could take Lulu out to a restaurant.
KIRK: Which one?
LORELAI: Well, what does she like?
KIRK: I don't know. Should I call my brother and find out?
LORELAI: I think if he knew, she'd probably still be with him.
KIRK: I just really want it to be nice.
LORELAI: Just take her someplace where you're comfortable. It doesn't have to be fancy. If you like it, she'll like it.
KIRK: Okay.
LORELAI: Just not one attached to a bowling alley.
KIRK: That narrows it down a bit. I'll figure something out.
LORELAI: Good. You'll see - it'll be great.
KIRK: Do you think I could stop by tomorrow with some wardrobe choices for you to pick out?
LORELAI: Kirk, you can dress yourself. Just look nice. You know, not too fancy. Clean. No jeans. Oh, maybe a sport coat. Eleven sound good?
KIRK: Perfect.
LORELAI: Okay.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory walks into her suite. Janet is jogging on a trampoline in the common room]
RORY: A trampoline. That's new.
JANET: Helps with my shin splints.
RORY: Huh. Wow. Squeaky.
JANET: Yup. Phone.
RORY: Thanks.
[Rory walks into her bedroom. The phone is ringing. Paris is ignoring it]
RORY: Paris, can you get the phone? Paris?
PARIS: Don't answer it.
RORY: Why not?
PARIS: It's Jamie and we're fighting.
RORY: Well, does he know you're fighting? 'Cause he's not hanging up.
PARIS: Oh, he knows. Trust me, he knows.
RORY: Okay. You're seriously not gonna answer that?
PARIS: Nope.
RORY: Paris, come on.
PARIS: Fine. [picks up the phone, then hangs it back up] There.
RORY: Why are you and Jamie fighting?
PARIS: Because he's wrong.
RORY: Oh, okay.
[the phone starts ringing again]
PARIS: He won't listen to me. [picks up the phone] You won't listen to me! [hangs up] He's in love with the sound of his own voice. You'd think he was already president and I don't want to be Hillary. I don't want to wait for a hundred years while he does his thing so by the time I get my chance, I'm too old to enjoy it.
RORY: Well, I don't think Hillary's too old to enjoy it.
PARIS: Fine. Be on his side.
RORY: I'm not on his side. I'm on her side.
[the phone starts ringing again]
PARIS: Don't answer it.
RORY: Paris, I have to study!
PARIS: Go ahead.
RORY: I can't!
PARIS: Why not?
RORY: The phone.
PARIS: Don't, Rory! I mean it!
RORY: [answers the phone] Hello? Hi, Jamie. Yes, she is here.
PARIS: No.
RORY: Paris, you're acting stupid, okay? You love Jamie, so just get on the phone and work it out so that I can study, okay?
PARIS: [takes the phone] What? No, I haven't thought about what you said. Because I'm very busy, Jamie, and contrary to your beliefs, I have better things to occupy my time with than thinking about you. Or what you said. Or what you meant or what you want or anything about you or concerning you. [Rory grabs the phone from her] Hey!
RORY: Have him call you back on your cell phone. Then you can talk to him outside. It's nice outside. There are birds and trees.
PARIS: My cell phone is d*ad.
RORY: Then take mine.
PARIS: What's your phone plan?
RORY: Why?
PARIS: 'Cause I'm not gonna borrow your phone and get slammed with a massive charge because your phone plan sucks.
RORY: Paris!
PARIS: [on phone] Jamie, I'm going to call you back on Rory's cell. Yes, I am. Yes, I am!
RORY: Yes, she is!
PARIS: Okay, bye. [hangs up]
RORY: Here.
PARIS: I'll be back.
RORY: Take your time.
[Paris leaves. Rory sits down to study, but is distracted by the sound of the TV. She walks to the common room]
RORY: Tanna, I'm trying to study.
TANNA: Okay.
RORY: I can hear the TV through the wall.
TANNA: Okay.
RORY: It's distracting.
TANNA: Are you telling me to turn it off?
RORY: I'm not telling -
TANNA: You can, you know, because your grandma paid for the TV.
RORY: I'm not telling you to turn the TV off.
TANNA: Because you can.
RORY: The TV belongs to all of us.
TANNA: If it's a matter of volume, I could press my ear to the speaker and then I could turn it really low.
RORY: Never mind.
TANNA: The problem there is that the speakers for the TV are mounted up in the corner of the ceiling, but perhaps if I got a ladder.
RORY: Never mind, Tanna.
TANNA: Are you sure you don't want me to turn it off?
[Rory leaves]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Sookie takes a pan of broccoli tarts out of the oven. She picks one up and holds it out toward Lorelai]
SOOKIE: Try this one.
LORELAI: Sookie, I love you, I love your cooking, but I swear if you make me eat one more bite of broccoli tart, I will b*at you to death with it.
SOOKIE: Your mother is the pickiest woman I have ever catered for. She has impeccable taste, the highest standards, and she can smell an inferior tart a mile away.
LORELAI: Well, depending on how long it's been left out, we all can.
SOOKIE: You know, she still hasn't called yet.
LORELAI: She will.
SOOKIE: But she was supposed to call about the details a couple of days ago.
LORELAI: She will, Sookie.
SOOKIE: But it's coming up and we still don't know if she wants a fish course or a cheese course.
LORELAI: We'll make a fish-cheese combo course just to be sure.
SOOKIE: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Why do I have to call her?
SOOKIE: Because technically you're doing the organizing, and I've got batter hands. Oh, ask her about the foie gras. Is it too expected? 'Cause I can make it with a, you know, cherry compote. Okay. You know. . .you know what to say.
LORELAI: [on phone] Hello, Mom.
EMILY: Lorelai, hello. How nice to hear from you.
LORELAI: How are you doing?
EMILY: Well, I'm just fine, thank you for asking.
LORELAI: Good, I'm glad to hear it.
EMILY: And I'm glad to report it.
LORELAI: Uh, so the reason I'm calling is we haven't heard from you yet, and we really need to nail down some of the details of the party.
EMILY: "We" haven't heard from you yet?
LORELAI: Yes, we - me and Sookie.
EMILY: Ah, yes, the Independence Catering Company.
LORELAI: Uh huh. So, anyhow -
EMILY: You know, a few years ago, there was a company called Independent Catering. They were all the rage until they catered the Kirov benefit for diabetes that sent 300 people to the hospital with a vicious case of food poisoning. Well, needless to say, they went out of business immediately, and I believe one of them left town without packing.
LORELAI: Oh, well, that's a good story. Hans Christian Anderson?
EMILY: You know, some people could mistake the Independence Catering Company with the Independent Catering Company, and that would just be a shame for you, wouldn't it? Now if I'd known what you were going to name your company, I could have warned you.
LORELAI: Mom, I swear, I tried to tell you.
EMILY: You did?
LORELAI: Yes, I did. I sent you a flier. Didn't you get my flier?
EMILY: No, I did not get your flier.
LORELAI: Oh, well, I sent it, and to be, um, honest with you, I was a little hurt that you didn't call to congratulate me, but now that I know you didn't get it, I forgive you.
EMILY: When did you send a flier?
LORELAI: Last week.
EMILY: What did it say?
LORELAI: Oh, you know. . .come and get it.
EMILY: You wrote "come and get it" on your business flier?
LORELAI: Well, no, it was your basic "Introducing the Independence Catering Company", uh, flier. You know, it had our phone number, our address, and an amusing caricature of us.
EMILY: Well, that sounds like a very nice flier.
LORELAI: Oh, it was.
EMILY: Do you have an extra one? You can bring it with you on Friday night.
LORELAI: Uh, sure.
EMILY: Because it's very unusual these days for things to get lost in the mail. You don't think you got the address wrong, do you?
LORELAI: Mom, the party?
EMILY: All right. I'm going to want a mixture of white, off-white, and cream-colored linen. A simple bone china with a gold or deep-blue stripe will work.
LORELAI: Okay, got it.
EMILY: I'm going with tapers cut in half so that people can see each other across the table. We'll need white and sterling roses, but not too high or formal. Do you have a florist?
LORELAI: I have a florist.
EMILY: Does he have a flier?
LORELAI: Do you want clear or silver vases?
EMILY: You must think I'm a complete idiot.
LORELAI: No, Mom, I don't.
EMILY: There is no flier. You're making it up to cover for the fact that you once again neglected to tell me about an important event in your life.
LORELAI: Mom, I swear there's a flier.
EMILY: Shame on you for swearing there's a flier. That's the worst possible thing you could do.
LORELAI: Liv Tyler grew up her entire life thinking Todd Rundgren was her real father. You think that might knock this out of first place?
EMILY: I tell you, if I saw this kind of behavior from some other company I was hiring, I would f*re them on the spot.
LORELAI: Then f*re us, Mom.
EMILY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: You are not hiring your daughter and her friend, you are hiring a professional catering company. This is not a favor, it is a business transaction, and I must insist that you treat us exactly as you would any other person off the street.
EMILY: As you wish.
LORELAI: Thank you. Now I'm sorry, but we're very busy with preparations for your event, so I'm gonna have to hang up now. Goodbye, Mother.
EMILY: Goodbye.
[they hang up]
LORELAI: Aah! Horrible woman!
SOOKIE: You, uh, forgot to ask about the menu.
[Rory walks in]
RORY: My dorm room has turned into a "Three Stooges" movie. Shove Pop Tarts under the door in two hours please.
LORELAI: Uh, honey. . .
[They walk into Rory's bedroom, which is filled with trays of broccoli tarts]
RORY: You quiched my room.
SOOKIE: They're not quiche. They're broccoli tarts.
RORY: Well, then you tarted up my room.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, honey, I didn't know you were coming home today. Sookie's just trying some things out for Grandma's party.
RORY: How am I supposed to study when it smells like broccoli?
LORELAI: Well, study in the living room.
RORY: This is not living room study. This is serious bedroom study. I have a ton of work to do.
LORELAI: Well, hey, here's a crazy thought - isn't there someplace at Yale you can study? Don't they have like a hundred libraries?
RORY: Yes, but they don't have that right vibe. They're too quiet and too big and drafty. Very, very drafty.
LORELAI: At least they don't smell like quiche.
SOOKIE: Enough with the quiche, okay?
RORY: I can't believe I came all the way home and there's nowhere to work.
LORELAI: Well, it's just temporary.
RORY: 'Til the sewing machine comes.
LORELAI: Oh, hey. . .you know how many kids in India would love to come home to a room full of quiche? Sorry - tarts.
SOOKIE: Tarts are totally different.
LORELAI: I know, honey. I know.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk walks in]
LUKE: Have a seat, Kirk. I'll be right there. [walks over to Caesar] Caesar.
CAESAR: Yes?
LUKE: You know what the key to a truly successful tuna melt is?
CAESAR: What?
LUKE: Tuna.
CAESAR: That's not tuna?
LUKE: No, it's turkey.
CAESAR: Give me the plate. I'll do it again.
LUKE: Don't get exasperated with me. I'm not the one that made the wrong sandwich. [walks over to Kirk] What are you doing, Kirk?
KIRK: Say I was Tom Cruise. Where would you seat me?
LUKE: In an acting class.
KIRK: No, I mean, which do you consider the best seat in the house?
LUKE: I don't know.
KIRK: How are the acoustics here?
LUKE: What?
KIRK: Well, the bathrooms are right over there. One good loud flush and the entire mood is spoiled.
LUKE: I don't have time to k*ll you right now, Kirk. Come back in a couple of hours.
KIRK: All right, I'll just reserve these three tables and decide later.
LUKE: Reserve these three -
KIRK: For Wednesday night, eight o'clock.
LUKE: We don't take reservations, Kirk.
KIRK: But this is a special occasion. And Lorelai told me to go somewhere I'm comfortable, and I'm comfortable here.
LUKE: You are?
KIRK: Well, not at this moment, but previously I have been comfortable here. Please?
LUKE: What's the occasion?
KIRK: I have a date with a young lady.
LUKE: You really felt the need to add the "with a young lady" part?
KIRK: Kinda.
LUKE: Okay, you can have one table for eight o'clock.
KIRK: Thank you. Here.
LUKE: What's this?
KIRK: It's a diagram of how I would like the table set up. See - little flowers by her plate, and the champagne bucket over here so I don't accidentally knock it off the table with my elbow.
LUKE: I don't sell champagne, Kirk.
KIRK: Why not?
LUKE: Because this is a diner.
KIRK: Good champagne goes with everything.
LUKE: Get your own champagne, Kirk.
KIRK: But what about the flowers?
LUKE: Kirk.
KIRK: Okay, fine. I'll get the champagne and the flowers. Now, let's say the date goes well. How much for the place upstairs?
LUKE: You mean my apartment?
KIRK: Yes.
LUKE: Bye, Kirk.
KIRK: Okay, see you later. [to female customer] Excuse me, is that good?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
KIRK: And what is that?
CUSTOMER: Meat loaf.
KIRK: Okay, so, this meat loaf, is it a romantic food for you? I mean, is it getting you hot?
LUKE: Kirk!
KIRK: Good talking to you.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Sookie arrive and unload some things from the back of the Jeep]
LORELAI: I can't believe we're doing this.
SOOKIE: Well, you did tell her to treat us like any other catering service.
LORELAI: "I'd like you to do a test meal, Lorelai. After all, you are a new company." Ugh, she must be so happy right now. She's probably been cackling into her magic mirror all morning.
SOOKIE: It's going to be a breeze. You wait and see.
LORELAI: Three hours of bowing and scraping.
SOOKIE: We are not going to be bowing and scraping. We're going to be serving and delighting.
LORELAI: Anything to humiliate me, anything at all.
SOOKIE: Wow! You grew up here?
LORELAI: I swear, if she makes me wear a uniform. . .
SOOKIE: This is Citizen Kane's house.
LORELAI: Drape one of those napkins over my arm.
SOOKIE: Is there a moat?
[they ring the doorbell]
LORELAI: Just help me out here, okay? Run interference whenever you can.
SOOKIE: I promise.
[the maid answers the door]
MAID: May I help you?
SOOKIE: Hi. We're the caterers. We're here for -
MAID: The servants' entrance is around back. [shuts the door]
SOOKIE: Was that a maid?
LORELAI: Come on.
SOOKIE: What are all those tennis balls doing over here?
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory walks in and heads toward her suite. A student walks past her]
GLENN: Irish studies suck, German studies suck, everything here sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks!
RORY: That yoga's really working for you, Glenn.
[Rory stops outside her suite door and listens to the noise inside - the television, the squeaking trampoline, the phone ringing.]
PARIS: [from inside the suite] Don't get that, I mean it! Do not touch that phone!
[Rory walks out of the dorm. She goes outside and sits down under a tree to study]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily is seated at the dining room table, Lorelai is standing next to her. Emily adjusts the position of a wineglass]
LORELAI: Oh, great, I'm glad you got that. It's been bugging me for the last. . .
EMILY: Is this the off-white or the cream?
LORELAI: Uh, the off-white. The cream is more creamy. I cut those myself so they could be adjusted either way. I mean, they could be adjusted smaller. Taller would be tougher once they're cut, but, uh, if they tell a lie, they'll sh**t right back up.
EMILY: I assume you'll have servers.
LORELAI: Yes, we will.
EMILY: I assume you'll instruct your servers to omit the Pinocchio humor.
LORELAI: Yes, we will.
[Sookie walks in with some dishes of food]
SOOKIE: Okay, here we go. Now, we would start off with either the roasted asparagus with the Parmesan or the trio of winter soups - tomato basil, butternut squash, and Catalonian garlic.
EMILY: Very ambitious.
SOOKIE: And very tasty.
[While Emily examines the food, Lorelai and Sookie gesture to each other, then quickly stop when Emily looks up]
LORELAI: I'll tell the servers not to do that either.
EMILY: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Yes?
EMILY: My napkin.
LORELAI: Oh, oh, well, yes. Napkin, yes, your napkin. I got it. Do you want me to just tuck it in your shirt there or. . .
EMILY: My lap will be fine.
LORELAI: Okay. There you go. Feel free to spill anything you want down there. You are covered.
[Emily tries some of the food while Lorelai and Sookie look on]
EMILY: What is the next course?
SOOKIE: Lobster potpie.
EMILY: You may bring it out now.
SOOKIE: Okay.
EMILY: Sookie, how far along are you?
SOOKIE: Eight months.
EMILY: Lorelai, there doesn't seem to be any reason for a pregnant woman in her eighth month to be running back and forth to the kitchen, does there?
LORELAI: No, there doesn't.
EMILY: You should take my plate. Otherwise, you'll have no place to put the potpie.
LORELAI: Oh, I can think of a place.
EMILY: What was that?
LORELAI: Plates going bye-bye.
[Lorelai walks to the kitchen]
LORELAI: [to the maid] Okay, when I give the signal, you run in and distract her and I'll take her down. Got it?
[Lorelai returns to the dining room]
LORELAI: Here we go - Sookie's famous lobster potpie.
EMILY: Very nice crust.
SOOKIE: Thank you.
EMILY: Well, Sookie, I must say your food is as accomplished as I remember it.
SOOKIE: Oh, thank you, Emily.
EMILY: And I think after we fine-tune the presentation, we'll have ourselves a very nice dinner party.
SOOKIE: So we got the job?
EMILY: Yes, you got the job.
SOOKIE: We got the job. Thank you. You will not be disappointed.
EMILY: No, I will not. The event starts at 7:30, I would like you to be here at four o'clock. I'm going to make a Xerox copy of my notes here so the two of you can peruse it on the way home. [leaves the room]
SOOKIE: We did it, we got the job! What a score! We landed a whale.
LORELAI: Yeah, we always had the job, Sookie. The whale was just toying with us. She was swatting us with her tail and hosing us down with her blowhole because that is the whale's M.O. - humiliate and rip apart every other fish in the sea until there's nothing left but a bloody pile of chum.
SOOKIE: Boy, you really hate whales, don't you?
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory is on the phone]
RORY: It's amazing. Out of the blue, bam! It was right there.
LORELAI: Well, things always happen when you least expect it.
RORY: I have to tell you, this tree is perfect.
LORELAI: All girls think their tree is perfect.
RORY: It fits my back completely, and there's plenty of grass, and it's in a great area - just far enough away from anything major so there's not a lot of noise but still not in Siberia.
LORELAI: Hey, can it cook? 'Cause I can get it a great gig with a crazy woman.
RORY: Grandma's not crazy. She's specific.
LORELAI: Well, at least one of us is happy.
RORY: And thank God it's me.
LORELAI: My feelings exactly.
RORY: You have no idea how much studying I got done today. Seriously, ask me anything.
LORELAI: Okay. Um, how'd I get shanghaied into catering a party for my mother?
RORY: You keep repeating yourself.
LORELAI: Well, as soon as I hear you talking about a study shrub, I'll know it's time to move on.
RORY: Okay, fine, I have to go.
LORELAI: Yeah? Gonna go shopping for a nice yellow ribbon?
RORY: Have some chili fries for me.
LORELAI: I will.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Cheeseburger, onion rings, and a list of people who k*lled their parents and got away with it. I'm looking for heroes.
LUKE: How'd the tasting go?
LORELAI: We got the job.
LUKE: Would have been pathetic if you hadn't.
LORELAI: I can't do this.
LUKE: It's a gig.
LORELAI: Yes, it is a gig. It's Prince opening for the Rolling Stones. That's the kind of gig it is.
[Lorelai sees Kirk sitting at a table with a video camera set up across from him]
LORELAI: Luke. . .
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: What's Kirk doing?
LUKE: Practicing.
LORELAI: Hm. For what?
LUKE: His date. He's doing a test run - talking, eating, making conversation. Then he's gonna go home and review the tape and adjust from there.
LORELAI: Boy! You ever think about how many different ways Kirk could get kicked out of the Army?
LUKE: What a poor slob. He's pathetic.
LORELAI: He likes a girl. That's sweet.
LUKE: All day long, I have this crazy person sitting in my diner ordering everything off the menu, by the way, to see which meal has less crumb-to-sweater ratio.
LORELAI: Well, if he's bugging you that much, you can ask him to leave.
LUKE: You ask him to leave. It's your fault he's here.
LORELAI: How is it my fault? I'm not going out with him.
LUKE: You're the one that told him to find someplace he felt comfortable.
LORELAI: How did I know he felt comfortable here?
LUKE: I don't know. All I know is that you talked to him, and now he's over there talking to a camera.
LORELAI: Oh, come on, Luke. Give him a break. He wants the date to go well. I mean, it's all any of us wants - to find a nice person to hang out with 'til we drop d*ad. Not a lot to ask.
LUKE: I guess.
LORELAI: And look on the positive side - if Kirk's date goes well, he'll be occupied, and you'll be seeing a lot less of him at the diner.
KIRK: Cut! Okay, that sucked! Let's just go again right away. Focus! Focus.
LUKE: I'll have his monogrammed booth installed tomorrow.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily is looking over some papers in the dining room when Richard walks in]
RICHARD: All right, I think this should be everyone.
EMILY: You've double-checked it?
RICHARD: I have double-checked it, but I'm sure you will also double-check it.
EMILY: You know I will.
RICHARD: So I am entirely confident that no one will be left out. This is very nice.
EMILY: Isn't it, though? It's a florist Lorelai found. We're using him for the party.
RICHARD: Oh, I think that will be perfect.
EMILY: It has to be perfect. These are important people we're trying to impress.
[Jason walks in]
JASON: Richard, Emily.
RICHARD: Jason, what a pleasant surprise.
EMILY: Richard, you should have told me Jason was coming over. I would have had something prepared.
JASON: Oh, please, Emily, I've gained ten pounds since I came into this house.
EMILY: Men always say that and it's never true.
JASON: I just dropped by for the keys to the office.
RICHARD: Ah, that's right. Forgot to give you the keys. Oh, my apologies, Jason. Here you go.
JASON: Thank you. Sorry to interrupt your evening. I'll see you tomorrow.
EMILY: Oh, Jason, I'm going to need your guest list as soon as possible.
JASON: My guest list?
EMILY: To the launch party. Oh, Richard, you did remember to ask Jason for his list, didn't you?
RICHARD: Emily, I am a very busy man.
EMILY: Oh, honestly, Richard, that's what you have a secretary for. Jason, I apologize for my husband. The official launch party for your company is next week. I've got the entire thing organized. All I need is your guest list.
JASON: You organized a launch party.
RICHARD: Yes, and trust me when I tell you that there is no one who can throw together a more elegant event at the drop of a hat than Emily Gilmore.
EMILY: True, and thank you, and you still forgot to tell him.
JASON: Well, Emily, I really appreciate the thought, but I'm not so sure a launch party is the way to go.
EMILY: What do you mean?
RICHARD: Well, Jason, it's traditional to do something for our clients. They appreciate it. It gives us a chance to talk to them one-on-one, develop relationships.
EMILY: It's the extra little things that set you apart in business, Jason.
JASON: I couldn't agree more, and that is why I've organized a trip to Atlantic City.
EMILY: What?
JASON: You know, get everybody out, away from business, away from their spouses, away from stuffy cocktail-party music and floral arrangements. Have a little crazy fun - you know, good food, lots to drink, maybe a little gambling, a show, and trust me, nothing bonds two businessmen together more than one of them finding the other hung over with a hooker in their bed the next morning.
EMILY: What?
JASON: Just a figure of speech, Emily.
EMILY: You cannot be serious. These are dignified men and women. There are mobsters in Atlantic City.
JASON: Let's hope so.
EMILY: Talk to him.
RICHARD: Well, Jason, I'm not so sure this -
JASON: Richard, this is the kind of thing that could set us apart from the other companies. It's different, maybe a little crazy, but they will remember it and they will tell their friends about it.
RICHARD: Yes, I suppose they will.
JASON: Every other company in town is throwing a dignified cocktail party. Believe me, right now my mother has twelve caterers throttling every sturgeon they can find to get fine caviar for my father's clients. Let's not give our clients canapés, Richard. Let's give 'em some fun.
RICHARD: Well, it is different.
EMILY: You can't be serious.
RICHARD: Well, it's good to change with the times.
EMILY: You're running an insurance company, not a rap label. People aren't looking to you to give them a good time. They are looking to you to protect their livelihood.
RICHARD: Now let's think about this for a moment. I mean, how far along is this party? Is it too late to cancel?
EMILY: No, it's not too late to cancel.
RICHARD: All right. Jason, we'll try it your way. Atlantic City it is.
JASON: I think it's a good move, Richard. And Emily, thank you again for the offer. But see, now you can just hang out and relax.
EMILY: My two favorite things.
RICHARD: All right, see you tomorrow.
JASON: See you tomorrow.
CUT TO YALE
[Rory walks up to her study tree and finds a guy reading under it]
RORY: Um, excuse me, you're sitting under my tree.
GUY: What?
RORY: My study tree - this is my study tree.
GUY: What the hell's a study tree?
RORY: Okay. See, I have roommates -
GUY: So do I.
RORY: Yes, but I have Paris and I have Tanna and I have Janet, and Janet squeaks -
GUY: Look, I'm busy, okay?
RORY: Yes, I see you're very busy with your "Trucker's Monthly" there, but I finally found a great place to study, and you're sitting on it.
GUY: There's a million trees on campus.
RORY: But this one fits my back perfectly so I don't get tired, and the light is right, and it's just far enough away from anything busy so that the noise level is perfect, and it's quiet but not b*mb, and. . .and anyhow, I was just hoping that maybe you would consider giving me back my tree.
GUY: No.
RORY: Oh. Well. . .
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk and his date walk in]
KIRK: After you.
LULU: Wow, this place seems nice.
KIRK: Yes, diners are apparently all the rage nowadays.
LULU: Really?
KIRK: Very hip. Very, very hip. Excuse me.
LUKE: Yes?
KIRK: I believe I have reservations for two. The name's Kirk.
LUKE: Kirk, yes. Okay. Follow me. How's this?
KIRK: Very satisfactory. Thank you. [hands him a dollar bill] There's more where that came from.
LUKE: It's my lucky night.
LULU: Wow, I'm getting the fancy treatment.
KIRK: Well, you did show up.
LULU: Yes, I did.
KIRK: I hear the meat loaf is excellent here.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[There's a knock at the door]
LORELAI: Coming, coming, coming. [she opens the door] Mom.
EMILY: Were you asleep?
LORELAI: Uh, no.
EMILY: Then why are you in your pajamas?
LORELAI: These aren't pajamas.
EMILY: You wear that in public?
LORELAI: Hi, Mom. Would you like to come in?
[they walk to the living room]
EMILY: You have the word "juicy" on your rear end.
LORELAI: Uh, well, if I had known you were coming over, I would have changed.
EMILY: Into what, a brassiere with the word "tasty" on it?
LORELAI: Hey, Mom, what can I do for you?
EMILY: I have to talk to you about something.
LORELAI: Is everything okay?
EMILY: I'm afraid you aren't going to be catering the launch party after all.
LORELAI: What? Why?
EMILY: Your father and I just decided to go a different way, that's all.
LORELAI: A different way?
EMILY: Now, of course, I realize you've already put out some money.
LORELAI: Yeah, we have.
EMILY: Of course, I will reimburse you for all expenses. Just give me the receipts.
LORELAI: Great.
EMILY: That's it. That's all I came to tell you.
LORELAI: Okay, well, thanks for the notice.
EMILY: You don't have to take that tone with me, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Really, I don't? After you made us do that ridiculous tasting at the house?
EMILY: You told me to treat you like any other company.
LORELAI: Oh, but you sat there like the Queen of England, making us jump through hoops and taking ridiculous notes and for what - so you could f*re us? Is this payback for me not telling you about the business? Because, I have to say, Mom, even for you, it seems a little extreme.
EMILY: I understand you're upset.
LORELAI: Yes, I'm upset! We needed that money, Mom. And I knew that humiliation was part of the package, but I did it because I had to, and - just you abruptly f*ring us is completely wrong!
EMILY: I agree, it is wrong.
LORELAI: Well, okay, then. . .as long as you agree it's wrong. . what? Okay.
EMILY: I'm sorry, Lorelai. I really am. I thought your table was lovely. I thought the food was wonderful. I was really looking forward to this party. I think it might have been the best one I ever put on.
LORELAI: So, then, what happened?
EMILY: Oh, you know, times change, Lorelai. Things that were once considered proper and elegant are now considered stuffy and out-of-date.
LORELAI: Like what?
EMILY: Like canapés and cocktail parties and the people who plan them.
LORELAI: Mom, what are you talking about?
EMILY: Nothing. It's not important.
LORELAI: Mom, come on.
EMILY: Jason decided to take the clients to Atlantic City instead. He thinks that's what they would prefer to do. He's probably right anyhow. What do I know?
LORELAI: Did he know all the work you put into this?
EMILY: It's really not important, Lorelai. I do this for your father. I have done this for your father for the last 36 years. If he thinks that Jason's right, then it's fine with me. And after all, now I don't have to worry about a party. I can just relax and hang out.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Anyhow, I have to go. I'm wasting all my hanging-out time sitting here talking about this silly party. Send me those receipts and I'll get you a check.
LORELAI: Okay, well, great.
EMILY: Apologize to Sookie for me, will you?
LORELAI: Sure.
EMILY: We'll see you girls Friday night.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk and Lulu are still on their date]
LULU: [laughs] Oh, my gosh, that's so funny. That's amazing, you sound just like him.
[Luke watches them for a moment, then starts making some coffee. Kirk comes up behind him]
KIRK: Luke.
LUKE: [startled] Jeez! Kirk, what are you doing?
KIRK: I need your help.
LUKE: I'm filling the coffee here.
KIRK: Look behind me.
LUKE: What am I looking at, Kirk?
KIRK: Is she still there?
LUKE: Who?
KIRK: Lulu. Is Lulu still there?
LUKE: You mean your date?
KIRK: Yes, Lulu, my date. Who else would I mean? Catch up, man. Time is of the essence.
LUKE: Yes, she's still there.
KIRK: Are you sure?
LUKE: Yes, I'm sure, now get out from behind my counter.
KIRK: I don't know what to do.
LUKE: What are you talking about? I just looked over there and everything seemed fine.
KIRK: Exactly. Everything seemed fine.
LUKE: So?
KIRK: Doesn't that seem weird to you?
LUKE: No.
KIRK: Really?
LUKE: Yes, a little, but so what? Why question it? Go back over there.
KIRK: I can't. I don't understand what's happening. I mean, she was looking at me. Directly at me. At first I thought I had something on my lip, but I brushed and brushed and nothing. She was just looking at me.
LUKE: Well, that's good.
KIRK: And I have prepared several small-talk subjects for the evening and I haven't used one of them.
LUKE: You're making too much of this.
KIRK: This is not how it's supposed to go. I'm supposed to take her out, we're supposed to exhaust my prepared subjects immediately, and then the minute I get up and go to the bathroom, she is supposed to sneak out and leave me here humiliated. Now I have been to the bathroom three times, and I have to tell you, I did not have to go, and every time I came back to the table, she was there and she was smiling, and. . .hey, did you see her touch my arm? What the hell was that all about?
LUKE: I think that means she likes you.
KIRK: Shut up! You take that back!
LUKE: Kirk, Kirk, I am not gonna fight with you over you not believing that this girl likes you because, to be honest with you, I'm a little fuzzy on the "why" myself, but the bottom line is she does.
KIRK: She does?
LUKE: Yes, she's laughing and smiling, and buckle up, cowboy, because I think she might actually touch you again.
KIRK: You think?
LUKE: There's a frightening chance she might, so my advice to you is to go back over there and continue doing what you've been doing.
KIRK: I was doing my Jon Cryer from "Pretty in Pink" impression.
LUKE: Duckie?
KIRK: Yes, Duckie.
LUKE: Were you near the end of the movie yet?
KIRK: No, just getting to the "Try a Little Tenderness" moment.
LUKE: You've got plenty of a*mo left. Go on. Go back over there.
KIRK: You think she likes me?
LUKE: I think she likes you.
KIRK: You think she likes me.
LUKE: God help us one and all.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sitting at the kitchen table. Sookie is throwing away the broccoli tarts]
LORELAI: [on phone] Uh, no, just leave another message that I called. Thank you. [hangs up]
SOOKIE: Number 42, see ya.
LORELAI: You don't have to throw them all out, Sookie.
SOOKIE: I didn't. I've got twenty in the freezer.
LORELAI: Great.
SOOKIE: And so do you.
LORELAI: Even better.
SOOKIE: I already had that money spent. It was going towards a down payment on a safer car. Now little Davey will have to fend for himself rolling around in the back of Daddy's truck.
RORY: [entering the house] Mom?
LORELAI: Kitchen.
SOOKIE: "Hold on, Davey! Daddy's coming to a sudden stop."
LORELAI: You're being dramatic.
SOOKIE: But I'm so disappointed. I mean, all that planning, all that time, all that broccoli.
[Rory walks into the kitchen]
RORY: I lost my tree.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: My tree, my study tree - it's gone. Someone stole it.
SOOKIE: Someone stole a tree?
RORY: No, the tree's still there, but when I went there today, there was this guy sitting there reading trucking magazines and he would not give it up, so now I'm back where I started.
LORELAI: You'll figure something out.
RORY: Yes, I will figure out what my alternate profession will be because now I can't study, I'm gonna flunk out of Yale and I'm gonna have to give up all hope of being a foreign correspondent. This sucks.
SOOKIE: You're telling me? I'm eating broccoli tarts for the next four years.
RORY: Well, what am I gonna do?
LORELAI: You are gonna suck it up.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You're in college now, Rory. If your study plan doesn't work, then come up with another one. Just figure it out, but stop complaining because you're not two. And Sookie, in pioneer times, kids traveled across the country in covered wagons and survived. Somehow I think little Davey will live without his minivan.
RORY: Mom, why are you mad?
LORELAI: I have something I have to do. I'll be back in a little while. And have these damn tarts out of here by the time I get home!
SOOKIE: Grab a fork.
CUT TO JASON'S OFFICE
[Jason is talking to his secretary when Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Well, hello, Digger Stiles.
JASON: Lorelai Gilmore, you sure grew up good.
LORELAI: Oh, did I, Digger? Thanks. Listen, why didn't you return my calls?
JASON: 'Cause I hadn't seen you yet.
LORELAI: Four times. You never called me back.
JASON: I'll call you back now. What's your number?
LORELAI: 976-bite-me.
JASON: Okay, did you get that, Ms. Lomay? Because I know how much you like having numbers in your files.
LORELAI: We need to talk.
JASON: In my office?
LORELAI: Great.
JASON: [to his secretary] You know what? You can go.
SECRETARY: All right. Goodnight, Mr. Stiles.
JASON: Goodnight. [to Lorelai] Would you like something to drink?
LORELAI: Oh, no, thanks.
JASON: So how you been?
LORELAI: Great. You?
JASON: No complaints.
LORELAI: Okay, small talk over. I want you to know something - you can't just waltz into people's lives and take over.
JASON: I don't waltz at all. It's embarrassing and a little gay.
LORELAI: You know, people were hired for this party, people who were counting on this money.
JASON: What party?
LORELAI: Launch party.
JASON: Oh, that.
LORELAI: Yes, that. And I want to tell you something else - my mother has been planning these stupid parties for years, and it was completely out of line for you to walk in there and just crap all over the whole thing and make her feel obsolete and useless.
JASON: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there. I never knew about the party. They never told me about the party.
LORELAI: Well, of course they never told you about the party because they're inconsiderate and self-centered, and they have been that way for many years, so they have dibs. But the minute you found out about the party, you should have canceled your plans.
JASON: It was too late for that. And I never called your mother obsolete, I just called cocktail parties obsolete.
LORELAI: Same thing.
JASON: I don't see how.
LORELAI: Jason, my mother is a corporate wife. Her job is putting these parties on, and you put her out of work. You know that, your mother does the same thing. Imagine if you took these functions away from her. What would she have left?
JASON: More time with the pool boy?
LORELAI: You embarrassed my mother and made her feel small. You unceremoniously canceled something she had been working on for days.
JASON: But I didn't know.
LORELAI: And then she had to come to my house and f*re me!
JASON: f*re you? Why would she f*re you?
LORELAI: Because I was the caterer.
JASON: Get out of town!
LORELAI: Yes, I have a partner in a small catering company.
JASON: You cook?
LORELAI: I plan.
JASON: Well, I had no idea how much chaos my little weekend was causing.
LORELAI: No, you didn't, because you didn't think. You never thought. Back in summer camp, you never thought. "Hey, if I stand up in this canoe, maybe it'll tip over." That was the extent of your thought process.
JASON: You're still mad about that.
LORELAI: I was fully dressed.
JASON: I remember - green T-shirt, no bra.
LORELAI: What?
JASON: Trust me, I was the hero of cabin five for the rest of the summer.
LORELAI: You will apologize to my mother.
JASON: Absolutely.
LORELAI: And you will let her throw that party.
JASON: Sorry.
LORELAI: Digger!
JASON: Umlauts! The party is off. Now this is business. I will apologize to Emily, but that is the best I can do.
LORELAI: I can't believe you just called me Umlauts.
JASON: You called me Digger three times before I called you Umlauts once. I think that shows great self-control.
LORELAI: Let my mother have her party!
JASON: No, I can't do it, but what I can do is take you out to dinner tomorrow night.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, how do those two thoughts even coincide?
JASON: You'd have to be in my head, but trust me, there was a track.
LORELAI: I am not having dinner with you.
JASON: Why not?
LORELAI: Because you just had me fired. You just insulted my mother.
JASON: It's interesting, I didn't know you and your mother were so close.
LORELAI: We're not.
JASON: You're being awfully protective of her.
LORELAI: Well, every family has a Fredo.
JASON: Yeah, and Fredo's family put two in the back of his head.
LORELAI: My relationship with my mother is none of your business.
JASON: Then have dinner with me.
LORELAI: No!
JASON: Why not?
LORELAI: Because.
JASON: Because your mother would hate it.
LORELAI: Yes, my mother would hate it. A lot. You suck.
CUT TO YALE
[Rory walks up to the study tree, where the same guy is reading under it]
RORY: Excuse me. Remember me?
GUY: I got here first.
RORY: I know. Look, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about the other day. I got a little wound up because I do that sometimes. I get too structured and too serious and I just have to adjust, you know, because we're in college and college is about change, and you have my study tree, so yeah, I just. . .I have to be okay with that and just learn to kind of go with the flow. So I just wanted to tell you that, and I'm sorry if I interrupted you again.
GUY: That's okay.
RORY: I'll give you twenty bucks for the tree.
GUY: You're gonna pay me for the tree?
RORY: Go with the flow, man.
GUY: You're on.
[He takes the money and leaves. Rory sits down under the tree and starts to study]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x06 - An Affair to Remember"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Chris Long
transcript by Stacy with assistance by Canopus
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sitting at the kitchen table clipping coupons. Rory walks out of her bedroom carrying a bag of laundry, and Lorelai hides the coupons.]
LORELAI: Morning.
RORY: Morning.
LORELAI: Hey, would you be horrified if I started clipping coupons again?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Oh, well, then, I won't.
RORY: Wait, did you say again?
LORELAI: I meant ever.
RORY: When did you clip coupons before?
LORELAI: I didn't. I misspoke. Whoops.
RORY: Uh huh.
LORELAI: Hey, how is it that your dirty laundry has increased exponentially since you started Yale?
RORY: 'Cause I'm a dirty, filthy Yale girl now. [she grabs the page of coupons from the table]
LORELAI: I told you I'm not gonna clip them!
RORY: Then I don't see the problem.
LORELAI: Just for the Fig Newtons, please!
[Rory opens the back door and listens to the music coming from the garage]
RORY: Whoa! That is -
LORELAI: Sucks.
RORY: That is totally sucks. And they're like on their two hundredth guitarist audition.
LORELAI: Well, they must be down to the deaf, dumb, and blind ones. Ah, he found it.
RORY: Found what?
LORELAI: The lost chord.
RORY: So, the washer's broken.
LORELAI: Yup.
RORY: You didn't mention that when you saw me walk out with my exponential amounts of laundry.
LORELAI: Sorry.
RORY: Or when I called from Yale to say that I had exponential amounts of laundry to do.
LORELAI: You've totally co-opted my word.
RORY: Okay, plethora - that's my word. I have a plethora of dirty laundry and nowhere to do it.
LORELAI: But you don't come home to do your laundry. You come home to see your mama.
RORY: No, this time I came home to do my laundry.
LORELAI: All right. I'll call the repairman A.S.A.P.
RORY: Hey, you hear that?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: No music.
LORELAI: And the band stopped playing, too.
[Lane walks in through the back door]
RORY: Hi, Lane.
LORELAI: How's it going there?
[Lane walks to the sink, turns the faucet on, and sticks her head under the water.]
RORY: You think she can hear us?
LORELAI: I think out of self-defense her ears have become vestigial organs.
[Lane walks back outside. Rory grabs another page of coupons from the table.]
LORELAI: I'm not clipping coupons!
RORY: Then I don't see the problem.
[Lorelai finds another page of coupons on the table]
LORELAI: Ha.
[opening credits]
CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey, it's your friendly neighborhood Lorelai.
SOOKIE: I'm in the kitchen!
[There's a man sitting in the living room]
LORELAI: Good morning.
BEAU: Is it?
SOOKIE: Just spreading that love and sunshine around, huh, buddy? Lorelai, this is Beau, Jackson's brother. Beau, this is our friend Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hi.
BEAU: Hm.
SOOKIE: Come on. Let's leave Oscar Wilde here to his reading.
[Lorelai and Sookie walk to the kitchen]
LORELAI: What's with the 'tude?
SOOKIE: Jackson asked Beau to be here for the birth.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
SOOKIE: Which was supposed to happen a week ago.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
SOOKIE: So Beau's missing way more work than he thought he would, and he's letting me know it.
LORELAI: Yeah, it would be nice if God gave us women a pop-up thing when a baby's done like on a turkey, but he chose not to. Hey, Jackson.
JACKSON: Hi. This extra time is great, huh? I'm getting so much done.
SOOKIE: I know. I'm still storing meals. I've got two weeks worth.
BEAU: Hey, Jackson?
JACKSON: Yeah, Beau?
BEAU: What day is it today?
JACKSON: It's Saturday, Beau.
BEAU: I get time and a half on Saturdays.
JACKSON: Uh huh.
BEAU: It gets me my fun things. Otherwise, it's all just bill paying.
JACKSON: [to Sookie] Have I apologized to you enough?
SOOKIE: Yes, Daddy, you have.
JACKSON: So, I got the plastic sheet on the bed. It fits perfectly.
SOOKIE: Excellent.
LORELAI: What's that for?
JACKSON: She doesn't know?
LORELAI: Know about what?
SOOKIE: You ready? This is big. It's really good, and I want you to slowly drink it in. No big gulps.
LORELAI: I'm ready to take a sip.
SOOKIE: We're skipping the hospital and having the baby here.
LORELAI: Here in your house?
SOOKIE: In our bed.
LORELAI: Hence the sheet.
JACKSON: Got a honey of a sheet. It's the top of the line. The little thing will come out and carom right down into the catcher's arms.
LORELAI: While we all yell, "hey, batter, batter, batter"?
SOOKIE: He means the midwife. Got the best one on the eastern seaboard.
JACKSON: You look mystified.
LORELAI: No, it's just. . .uh, you guys have done a lot of research on this, right?
SOOKIE: Millions of babies have been born this way.
JACKSON: It's a great tradition.
SOOKIE: And hospitals are so cold, you know, so full of infections.
JACKSON: And d*ad people.
SOOKIE: And sometimes the d*ad people have infections.
JACKSON: And if they're not d*ad yet, they die.
LORELAI: All true.
JACKSON: But the best thing about having little Davey or Colgate here - zero chance of bringing home the wrong baby. What comes out of her here, stays here. Oh, I got something for you. [hands Lorelai a pager] It's a baby pager. It'll go off when Sookie's close.
["The Entertainer" plays from the pager]
LORELAI: Oh, cute.
JACKSON: Scott Joplin seemed appropriately sunny.
SOOKIE: I want you to be here even if home birth disgusts you.
LORELAI: Of course I'll be here. Nothing could keep me away.
JACKSON: Ohh! Extra buckets - I gotta put it on the list.
LORELAI: Extra buckets? What's that. . .hm. Never mind.
CUT TO THE DANCE STUDIO
[Townspeople are gathering for a town meeting]
KIRK: Excuse me. Can my girlfriend and I sit here? This is my girlfriend.
LULU: Hi.
MAN: Hi.
KIRK: My girlfriend and I appreciate it.
LULU: Yes, thank you.
KIRK: I got a pretty polite girlfriend.
BABETTE: Should we be nervous about this?
ANDREW: I don't know. Did Taylor tell anyone why he called an emergency meeting?
KIRK: He said nothing to me or my girlfriend.
MISS PATTY: I can't remember the last town emergency meeting he called.
KIRK: Me and my girlfriend can't either.
RORY: Home birth?
LORELAI: I was horrified and I hid it horribly. I wanted to be supportive but throw up at the same time.
RORY: A plastic sheet?
LORELAI: I saw it. It was the same one that boy who couldn't hold it had to use in that after-school special. What was that called?
RORY: "It's Not Benny's Fault."
LORELAI: Oh, God. It was so insane. It's what hospitals are for.
KIRK: Hey, Lane, there's a seat behind my girlfriend.
LANE: That's okay, Kirk. Hi.
LORELAI: Hi.
RORY: Hey.
LANE: Get this. I just found the most amazing guitarist - a phenom. He was cool on the phone, and we're meeting him tomorrow.
RORY: That's great.
LANE: I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I've already figured out that our Spin cover should be against a bloodred backdrop with a skull hovering over us.
LORELAI: Oh, well, very Norman Rockwell.
RORY: That woman's staring at me.
LORELAI: Oh, Mrs. Van-uppity? Well, maybe you're just her type.
TAYLOR: People, thank you for assembling on such short notice.
BABETTE: What's up, Taylor?
KIRK: My girlfriend was wondering that, too.
TAYLOR: As you know, every year, one lucky town in Connecticut gets to host "The Festival of Living Pictures," a show which presents onstage recreations of famous works of art - statues, paintings, et cetera, with real people posing as the figures in the art. We hosted it seven years ago - successfully, I might add.
BABETTE: Yeah, it was a blast.
LORELAI: Definitely.
KIRK: My girlfriend's gonna love this.
TAYLOR: The town of Woodbury was supposed to host it this year, but because of recent flooding, they canceled at the last minute, and I offered Stars Hollow to be the host. How does that sound?
RORY: Cool.
BABETTE: Yeah, sign us up.
MISS PATTY: Yeah, Taylor, you finally did something right. Your beard is so sexy.
ANDREW: How much time do we have?
TAYLOR: One week. And as per tradition, we need to come up with one original recreation to go with all the others that are in the show every year.
MISS PATTY: Well, that's not a lot of time.
LORELAI: Yeah, Taylor, is it even possible?
TAYLOR: Well, it'll have to be. I've already assured Hank, who is the Taylor Doose of Woodbury, that we'd take it over successfully. It's a challenge, people, but doable. Now, I would like to introduce you to a key player in our execution of this endeavor, the head of the Connecticut Arts Council, Buff Otis.
LORELAI: Hey, it's your future wife.
RORY: Shut up.
TAYLOR: Would you like to say a few words, Mrs. Otis?
MRS. OTIS: Your enthusiasm. . .shocks me.
LORELAI: Is that good?
RORY: Hard to tell.
LANE: It might be.
BABETTE: Scary broad.
TAYLOR: I will be managing the event and emceeing. Uh, Miss Patty, you will be stage-managing. Uh, Lorelai, if you could help organize the costumes?
LORELAI: I'm here for you and your sexy beard, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Um, everyone should sign up now if you want to be considered to be cast in one of the recreations. Mrs. Otis and I will make the final decisions.
BABETTE: Hey, you're gonna be the girl in that Renoir painting again, right? You were such a doll in that.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sure I can be persuaded.
TAYLOR: This is an enormous challenge, people, but I say we do it and do it well. Meeting adjourned.
LORELAI: Wait.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: I want to see if she asks you out.
RORY: Ugh.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table]
LORELAI: I wonder if I want to be something other than the Renoir girl.
RORY: I'm sorry, the audience has come to expect you in the role of Renoir girl. You can't disappoint them. It's a plum role.
LORELAI: True, true.
LUKE: Sorry I took so long. I was dealing with more divorce-lawyer stuff.
LORELAI: Good Lord, is Nicole's lawyer still harassing you?
LUKE: No, mine was. And please don't point out the irony of my paying a lawyer to work for me.
LORELAI: Okay, but then you're gonna owe me something else I can ironically comment on.
LUKE: Fine. Hey, what was that emergency meeting all about?
RORY: We're hosting "The Festival of Living Pictures" again.
LUKE: Oh, joy.
LORELAI: His lack of enthusiasm shocks me.
LUKE: You're involving yourself in this thing? It's such a stupid waste of time.
LORELAI: I just thought of the perfect painting for Luke to be in. "Cranky Guy in Baseball Cap."
RORY: Was that Manet or Monet?
LORELAI: That was mustard on my hamburger and a side of fries, please.
RORY: She's the queen of segues.
LUKE: She's the queen of something. You want your usual?
RORY: Yes, please. Maybe I'll just be a backstage person this year. There's less pressure. You don't have to get made up, and. . .[sees Taylor and Mrs. Otis staring at her through the diner window] What are they doing?
LORELAI: Well, I bet she's coming to -
RORY: Hey, and no more inappropriate lesbian references, please.
LORELAI: All right. Oh, you know what? I bet you're in line for the new painting they're cooking up.
RORY: I feel like a used car.
TAYLOR: Turn to the side.
RORY: What?
TAYLOR: Turn to the side. We need to see your profile.
LORELAI: Just what I thought.
RORY: This is a violation of my civil rights.
LORELAI: You better do what John Ashcroft says or they may just follow us home.
RORY: Unbelievable.
TAYLOR: Other way. Other way.
RORY: I'm a Yale student, for God's sake.
TAYLOR: Thank you.
RORY: Crazy, doofus town.
LORELAI: Yeah.
CUT TO THE DANCE STUDIO
TAYLOR: Let's not loiter around the cast sheets, people. Find your name and then move on.
ANDREW: Oh, cool. I'm gonna be some statue.
TAYLOR: You're "The Reaper," Andrew - a prize work at Versailles and a prize role, not some statue.
ANDREW: So I get to be painted all white, huh?
TAYLOR: Yes, that's what that means.
LORELAI: Hi, Taylor. When are the costumes getting here?
TAYLOR: Hank in Woodbury swears they're en route, but you gotta double and triple-check with that guy.
LORELAI: Hank's the you in Woodbury.
TAYLOR: A real ninny. He's praying we don't pull this off, but that only inspires me to work harder.
KIRK: I need to see the list.
JOE: Watch the elbows, Kirk.
KIRK: I just need to see the list.
MISS PATTY: He's going to be very happy.
KIRK: Woohoo!
LORELAI: What'd you get, Kirk?
KIRK: Christ in "The Last Supper."
LORELAI: The big kahuna.
KIRK: I'm gonna do it right, too. Lots of research. What's a good book to read?
LORELAI: Uh, the bible?
KIRK: Right. Yo, where are my apostles? Where are my homeboys? James, son of Alpheus, give me five.
JOE: All right.
KIRK: Simon, the Canaanite, don't leave me hanging. I say we go celebrate. How 'bout Shakey's?
MAN: All right.
JOE: Cool.
MISS PATTY: That is one happy Christ.
LORELAI: Oh, well, it was nice of you guys to give him that.
MISS PATTY: Oh, I wanted to show you this. It's our original picture. Well, we think Rory would be perfect for it. It's called "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea."
LORELAI: Wow, that's Rory.
MISS PATTY: Do you think she'll do it?
LORELAI: Well, you got some sway with me.
MISS PATTY: Good, good.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm confused.
MISS PATTY: I should go make my calls.
LORELAI: I'm not the, uh, Renoir girl.
MISS PATTY: Oh, really? I didn't realize that. . .
LORELAI: Patty, I'm the spitting image of the Renoir girl. I played her seven years ago and received the proper accolades. This is a mistake.
MISS PATTY: Maybe.
LORELAI: Um, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Yes, Lorelai?
LORELAI: I'm not listed as the Renoir girl. Is that a mistake?
TAYLOR: Frankly, no, it's not.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm not listed as anything else, either.
TAYLOR: That's also correct. You'll be helping with costumes.
LORELAI: I don't get it. Why am I not the Renoir girl? I'm the spitting image.
TAYLOR: You are. Your look is perfect.
LORELAI: Then why am I not the Renoir girl?
TAYLOR: I really have to tell you why?
LORELAI: Yes, you do.
TAYLOR: You flinched.
LORELAI: I what?
TAYLOR: Seven years ago, the curtain opened. You were posed in the painting, then you flinched noticeably.
LORELAI: I did not flinch.
TAYLOR: We thought you were having an att*ck.
LORELAI: I did not flinch!
TAYLOR: You almost knocked Terrence over.
LORELAI: I did not!
TAYLOR: The whole town saw it. And with Hank from Woodbury looking over my shoulder, I'm not taking any risks.
LORELAI: Patty, please, back me up here.
MISS PATTY: Oh, honey, I'm sorry, you flinched!
TAYLOR: Big-time.
MISS PATTY: You almost knocked Terrence over.
TAYLOR: Yeah, you screwed the pooch, so you're out. I'm sorry.
MISS PATTY: So, you'll ask Rory about the painting?
CUT TO THE YALE LAUNDRY ROOM
[Lorelai and Rory are ding laundry]
LORELAI: It's humiliating!
RORY: You and the Renoir girl - it was a lock.
LORELAI: Yeah, until this smear campaign. There's a lot of tension in the air here.
RORY: Well, it's midterms.
LORELAI: You seem calm.
RORY: Well, on the outside. Is this what you're using, Dream Fresh laundry powder?
LORELAI: It's a new brand.
RORY: It's an off-brand.
LORELAI: It leaves your clothes with that Dream-Fresh scent.
RORY: You used a coupon, didn't you?
LORELAI: Thirty-five cents off or not, I still would have chosen Dream Fresh.
RORY: So, who'd they pick for the Renoir girl?
LORELAI: Carol Dandridge.
RORY: Carol Dandridge?
LORELAI: Carol Dandruff from now on!
RORY: Okay, now, don't take it out on poor Carol. It's not like she lobbied for it.
LORELAI: I bet she did. That would be just like that old porky, doody-dridge.
RORY: Oh, wow. You're really bummed about this, aren't you?
LORELAI: On the outside, I am a mature adult who's able to put setbacks like this in their proper place, and on the inside, I just wanna wear that pretty dress again!
RORY: You will.
LORELAI: Yeah, if a brick lands on Taylor's head and he suddenly likes me again. Ooh, a brick.
RORY: You don't need a brick. You have me. I'll take care of it.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
RORY: You are going to be the Renoir girl - end of story.
LORELAI: How?
RORY: Well, if they want an Anthea for "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea," then they're going to have to have you for the Renoir girl.
LORELAI: Well, look at you folding your laundry all haughty and powerful.
RORY: Bada-bing all over his nice ivy-league suit.
LORELAI: Rory, you couldn't do that. Come on. It would be embarrassing, it would be manipulative, and can you do it tonight?
RORY: I think I'll wait until the Anthea costume is perfectly fitted to my specifications. Then we won't have no surprises.
LORELAI: I am in awe.
RORY: Pass me the Dream Fresh?
LORELAI: I wouldn't dare not to.
CUT TO LORELAI'S GARAGE
[The band is setting up]
LANE: I don't know about you, but I'm completely jazzed about this.
ZACH: This is the first time I've been excited about playing since Dave.
BRIAN: If he's half as good as this tape, I'm gonna plotz.
[A man enters the garage]
LANE: Can we help you?
GIL: Yeah, I'm looking for Lane.
LANE: I'm Lane.
GIL: Am I late?
LANE: For?
GIL: The audition.
LANE: For?
GIL: I'm Gil!
ZACH: Gil.
BRIAN: Gil.
LANE: Gil. No, you're right on time. Come on in.
GIL: Primo space.
ZACH: Yeah.
BRIAN: Primo.
GIL: How you guys doin'?
BRIAN: I'm Brian.
ZACH: Zach.
GIL: Where do you guys want me?
LANE: Uh, right there's good.
GIL: Cool.
CUT TO THE TOWN SQUARE
[A tent has been set up for the costume fittings for the festival]
LORELAI: How's your research coming along, Kirk?
KIRK: Good, although I got off to a slow start. I didn't realize Jesus wasn't in the Old Testament 'til I h*t page 368.
LORELAI: Hey, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Hello.
LORELAI: I took a quick survey of the costumes. Looks like everything's here and accounted for.
TAYLOR: And the Renoir girl dress still fits you?
LORELAI: Like a glove.
TAYLOR: So help me, if you make me look bad in front of Hank from Woodbury, there is gonna be hell to pay. Sorry.
TROUBADOUR: Hey, I'm here for a fitting.
LORELAI: Oh, well, you've come to the right place. What are you in?
TROUBADOUR: "The Last Supper."
KIRK: Oh, you must be one of my missing apostles. Still haven't met them all. I'm Christ.
TROUBADOUR: It's gonna be a lot of fun, huh?
KIRK: Definitely. Which apostle are you?
TROUBADOUR: Judas.
KIRK: Judas.
TROUBADOUR: So, uh, where do I go for my fitting?
KIRK: Oh, I think you know where you're going, pal.
LORELAI: Right through that flap. I'll meet you back there.
TROUBADOUR: Thanks. So I heard you and all the apostles are going to Shakey's later.
KIRK: You heard wrong, friend. We're not going to Shakey's.
TROUBADOUR: Oh, okay. Well, maybe some other time.
KIRK: Yeah, some other time.
CUT TO LORELAI'S GARAGE
[The band is playing a song with Gil]
GIL: Man, you guys are fantastic!
ZACH: Uh, yeah, you, too.
BRIAN: Yeah.
LANE: Really good, Gil.
GIL: I mean it's tight, you know. It feels right.
LANE: Definitely.
ZACH: It's got a feel that. . .
LANE: Feels right.
BRIAN: Yeah.
GIL: You want to do another one?
LANE: Sure.
GIL: Just give me one minute to call work. I own a sandwich shop in Salisbury and I gotta check in every once in a while or it's chaos. I'll be right back. Awesome, guys! Really!
LANE: Back at ya!
[Gil walks out of the garage]
ZACH: Whoa.
LANE: Yeah.
BRIAN: He's. . .he's. . .
ZACH: Old. Just say it, dude. Grandpa's old.
LANE: He's not a grandpa.
BRIAN: Did you know how old he was?
LANE: He sounded young on the phone.
ZACH: Right here, he's got some lines. That blows my mind.
BRIAN: What is he, late thirties?
ZACH: Approaching forty.
LANE: Forty?
BRIAN: He was alive before man walked on the moon.
ZACH: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.
LANE: Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.
ZACH: He's had a lot of time to practice.
BRIAN: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.
LANE: This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really -
ZACH: Elderly.
LANE: Excited.
BRIAN: He was our age when we were born.
LANE: He thinks we're great
BRIAN: There were no cd's when he was born.
ZACH: Stop it, man. I mean it.
LANE: Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.
BRIAN: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.
ZACH: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.
LANE: You want to stop the audition?
BRIAN: We shouldn't be rude.
LANE: Good.
ZACH: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.
LANE: I know.
[Gil walks back in]
GIL: [on phone] Cindy knows where the extra prosciutto is, Kevin. Ask her. Come on, I've told you before, when I'm not there, Cindy is me, okay? I'll check in later. Bye. [hangs up] Kids, man. In one ear and out the other. Okay, come on. Let's rock!
CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey.
JACKSON: Hi.
LORELAI: Ooh, balloons! Sad, little, droopy balloons.
JACKSON: We got 'em too soon.
LORELAI: Oh. Hey, you feeling okay?
SOOKIE: Fine. Bruce just suggested a little afternoon rest.
LORELAI: Bruce? Who's he?
JACKSON: She.
SOOKIE: It's a last name.
LORELAI: Who's she?
JACKSON: Best midwife on the eastern seaboard.
LORELAI: Ah.
BEAU: [on phone] Uh-huh. So it's gonna be another fifty bucks to change the flight again? That's six and a half hours take-home after taxes, disability, and FICA.
SOOKIE: And the Oscar for biggest blubber baby goes to. . .
BEAU: [on phone] No, no, go ahead. Put me down for it. I got no choice. Thanks. [hangs up] She sounded hot.
SOOKIE: Hey, Beau, why don't you go take a little walk? You know, go do something.
JACKSON: Yeah, good idea.
BEAU: But there's nothing to do in this hick town, not like back in Bogalusa.
JACKSON: Hey, Beau, why don't you come help me pick the zucchini in the back? I got a couple of giant Miracle Gro ones out there. Huh? It'll tickle you.
BEAU: That might be something.
[Jackson and Beau leave]
LORELAI: Wow, you can cut the sexual tension with a Kn*fe.
SOOKIE: Ugh! Don't joke.
BRUCE: The bedroom is now prepared for the baby. Your husband tried, but he screwed up, so I fixed it.
SOOKIE: Thank you, Bruce.
BRUCE: There's someone new here.
SOOKIE: Oh, Bruce, this is my best friend I was telling you about, Lorelai.
BRUCE: Hello.
LORELAI: Hi, oh, hey. I heard you were the, uh, best midwife on the eastern seaboard. May I call you Bruce?
BRUCE: Everyone does.
LORELAI: Then I will call you Bruce.
BRUCE: You're anti-midwife.
LORELAI: Pardon me?
BRUCE: There's anti-midwife energy in this room and it wasn't here when I left it.
LORELAI: Oh, well, it's not coming from me.
SOOKIE: Yeah, Bruce, Lorelai is pro-you, all the way.
BRUCE: Uh huh. I'll be in the bedroom.
LORELAI: Uh, wow, that woman's got strong hands.
SOOKIE: She ate a whole jar of crunchy peanut butter in one sitting.
LORELAI: I would want a woman just like that yanking the baby out of me.
BRUCE: Please lay on your side, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Yeah, sorry. This is the position I'm going to be in for the baby. She wants me to get used to it.
BRUCE: Less tearing this way.
LORELAI: Ohh, smack that image right out of my head.
BRUCE: I beg your pardon?
SOOKIE: Hey, you know, Bruce spent two years in China educating poor villagers on female issues.
LORELAI: Oh, I hear they got great Chinese food there.
SOOKIE: A card.
BRUCE: You're the friend who's going to be there, right?
LORELAI: With rings on my fingers and bells on my toes.
BRUCE: You'll leave the negativity at home?
LORELAI: Bruce, I swear, I am Miss Positivity.
BRUCE: Uh huh.
LORELAI: I swear, I am not anti-midwife. I mean, that would be as dumb as being, I don't know, anti-best friend. Don't you think?
BRUCE: Uh huh.
[Jackson and Beau walk back in]
BEAU: You're the one who asked me out to pick zucchinis.
JACKSON: Right. Pick them, not kick them.
BEAU: You used to be fun. Now you're just a big-city phony.
BRUCE: Beau!
BEAU: Huh?
BRUCE: What did I say before?
BEAU: I wasn't listening.
BRUCE: The baby will come when the baby comes. We're all here to serve the baby. Jackson!
JACKSON: What?
BRUCE: How are you serving the baby?
JACKSON: I could go get more balloons?
BRUCE: Good. And, Beau, how are you serving the baby?
BEAU: I could help Jackson with balloons.
BRUCE: You need two men for that?
BEAU: I could get. . .I could get flowers.
BRUCE: Good!
JACKSON: Okay, we're going to get balloons and flowers.
LORELAI: She didn't give me any instructions.
SOOKIE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Should I move?
SOOKIE: I wouldn't yet.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Sookie are walking down the street]
SOOKIE: This is nice.
LORELAI: It is a beautiful day.
SOOKIE: Good suggestion.
LORELAI: You think Bruce was just trying to get rid of us?
SOOKIE: You, yes. But Bruce is there for the baby, and I've got the baby.
LORELAI: Have you checked that recently?
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Are you sure she hasn't taken the baby and shoved a pillow under there when you weren't looking?
ANDREW: Oh my God!
SOOKIE: What?
ANDREW: You haven't popped yet.
SOOKIE: Not yet.
ANDREW: It's like an elephant's gestation.
SOOKIE: Thanks for the very welcome perspective on that, Andrew.
LORELAI: Hey, how's the research going, Kirk?
KIRK: Good. I'm using the clothing to get into character and I've been focusing on historical foods. Christ ate a lot of lentils.
LORELAI: No utensils back then?
KIRK: No, they had utensils.
TAYLOR: This is a disaster, an unmitigated disaster!
LORELAI: What happened?
TAYLOR: We're missing half the table for "The Last Supper."
LORELAI: Drag.
TAYLOR: This is Hank from Woodbury's doing. That little fink only shipped half the table on purpose.
MISS PATTY: No, I just talked to him, Taylor, and he swears he shipped everything they had.
LORELAI: Well, let's think here. There's gotta be a way to do this.
SOOKIE: Just add a card table to the end or some TV trays. It'll be like a funky Last Supper.
TAYLOR: "The Last Supper" cannot be funky.
MISS PATTY: Or we could just make do with what we have and crowd all the apostles around it.
ANDREW: Or eliminate some of the apostles.
TAYLOR: This is not going to work. I think we're just gonna have to throw in the towel.
MISS PATTY: Well, I think you might be right, Taylor. This just might be a sign to pack it in.
ANDREW: So no festival?
TAYLOR: No festival.
SOOKIE: I have to keep moving.
TAYLOR: Okay, start packing it up, people.
KIRK: You would fold?
TAYLOR: What was that, Kirk?
KIRK: You would fold due simply to hardship?
TAYLOR: Not now, Kirk. Uh, keep everything where it is, guys. No reason to unload it just to load it again.
KIRK: Would you follow blind guides which strain at a gnat and swallow a camel?
MISS PATTY: Oh, that's your blood sugar talking, sweetie. Eat a candy bar.
KIRK: This is but a crisis of faith.
TAYLOR: I said not now, Kirk.
ANDREW: Let him talk. What's the harm?
KIRK: When the road to your destination is revealed to be long and dusty, is your destination's value so diminished?
TAYLOR: Well, I suppose not, but still -
KIRK: If a storm mars your camp for the night, is it wise to search for high ground or hold your camp 'til the light of new day?
MISS PATTY: Well, it's something to think about.
KIRK: A crisis of faith can be delivered, but one must believe to be delivered.
[Lorelai and Sookie walk over to Luke]
LUKE: No way am I building that table out for them, no way.
LORELAI: Anyone ask you to, Jose?
LUKE: Nope, but they're going to.
LORELAI: They'll just get Tom to do it.
LUKE: The contractor? No, he's too busy with his own stuff. You having twins?
SOOKIE: No.
LUKE: You sure?
SOOKIE: Uh, let me think about it for another millisecond - no!
LUKE: It looks like you're having twins.
SOOKIE: You're gonna make me fall in love with you, Luke.
LUKE: It would take me hours.
LORELAI: What would?
LUKE: The table. It's gotta be built out in forced perspective. It's complicated.
LORELAI: Throw a stick and you can find someone to fix that table.
LUKE: So grab a stick and throw it because I'm not doing it.
LORELAI: No one asked you to.
LUKE: Not yet.
SOOKIE: I'm hungry. Let's get something.
LORELAI: Whoa, check out the group. There might be loaves and fishes.
SOOKIE: Hm. I had fish last night.
KIRK: . . .Do not heed the naysayers. They will not lead you down the proper road.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory pulls up out front. Babette walks over to her]
BABETTE: Hey, Rory. Dig the sounds coming from that garage.
RORY: They sound amazing.
BABETTE: I was over there before. That new guitarist - yum yum, like a long-haired cake.
RORY: Sounds like a winner.
BABETTE: You gonna check him out?
RORY: Yeah, Lane called and asked me to come down and drink in the whole picture.
BABETTE: Well, I got dibs on the new hunk. Rrrr!
[Rory walks to the garage and watches the band play]
GIL: Really tight, guys, but it's getting late. I gotta go.
ZACH: Go rest.
LANE: Hey, uh, Gil, this is my friend Rory. It's her house.
RORY: Hey, you guys sound great.
GIL: Don't you think? These guys are gonna be as good as Pink Floyd.
ZACH: Nice topical reference.
GIL: Well, Lane, you got my number?
LANE: Yeah, Gil, I've got your number.
GIL: Great. So, we'll talk later?
LANE: We'll talk later.
GIL: Take it easy.
LANE: Bye.
[Gil leaves]
LANE: Okay, Zach, shut up for a minute. I want to hear what Rory has to say. I didn't tell her what she was walking into, so she's our fresh eyes here.
RORY: He's great.
ZACH: And. . .
RORY: Experienced. And, um, Babette thinks he's really cute, so she's got dibs, and, um, he moves great. The jump was cool.
ZACH: I was afraid he was gonna break a hip.
LANE: Well, he's our only prospect.
BRIAN: And maybe that schoolboy outfit's worth a sh*t.
LANE: Yeah?
ZACH: Look, you're all fooling yourselves here. Bottom line - dude rocks, but dude's too old. I vote "no."
LANE: Okay, I guess that's that, then.
ZACH: That's that.
LANE: And that could be that for the band.
ZACH: That could be that, too.
LANE: Okay.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[There's a knock at the door in the middle of the night. Lorelai walks down the steps]
LORELAI: Identify yourself!
SOOKIE: It's me!
LORELAI: Who?
SOOKIE: Me!
LORELAI: Sookie?
SOOKIE: It's not coming out!
LORELAI: My God, it's one in the morning.
[Lorelai opens the door and Sookie walks in]
SOOKIE: It's lodged in there! It's stuck, for God's sake! It's not coming out!
LORELAI: You're insane.
SOOKIE: And it's growing all the time, just getting bigger and bigger. I've forgotten what it's like not to be expanding. I'll get so huge, I'll be the fat guy in "Monty Python's Meaning of Life." I'll explode and slime the whole room. People could die.
LORELAI: Honey, sit down, wrap this around you.
SOOKIE: Ooh! That Andrew. I hate that he was right, that pasty-faced bastard!
LORELAI: Right about what?
SOOKIE: Oh, no, I can't sit.
LORELAI: Right about what?
SOOKIE: I looked up an elephant's gestation period - 22 months!
LORELAI: You're not an elephant.
SOOKIE: But Baby doesn't know that.
LORELAI: Why would Baby think you're an elephant?
SOOKIE: Because he's tiny and stupid and floating around in a sack of fluid. He doesn't know his butt from a hole in the ground.
LORELAI: What happened?
SOOKIE: You know, an elephant squirted me once at the zoo. Maybe it sh*t something on me - some kind of elephant-gestation juice.
LORELAI: Honey, I mean tonight. What happened? You were fine when I left you. Where did the freak-out come from?
SOOKIE: Are you listening? It's not coming out! The ship's too big and the bottle's too small!
LORELAI: You have to sit down and rest.
SOOKIE: For two hours, I've been doing everything I can to make it come out. I mean, I've jumped, jiggled, shimmied.
LORELAI: Add a feather boa and I could book you on the burlesque circuit.
SOOKIE: My pain is funny to you.
LORELAI: No, but you should not be hopscotching all around town trying to get the baby out. That's not how it works.
SOOKIE: This is my mother's fault. She fed me too much roughage as a kid. Bran and granola and rapini. And now my insides are all rough and grabby, and Davey can't work his way out of my sandpaper innards. I want booze. I want a Manhattan and a scotch and a beer and a Rob Roy and a sidecar. But I can't, and I'm mad about that. I want to give birth!
LORELAI: I would give you a hug if you would sit still for one second.
SOOKIE: Yours came out. How'd you get yours out?
LORELAI: I swallowed a map.
SOOKIE: Cut the freaking vagueness. Why is it you mothers don't want to pass down your wisdom to other mothers? You're selfish.
LORELAI: Please, stop jiggling.
SOOKIE: Not 'til I'm skinny.
LORELAI: All right, bouncy San Pedro, can I just show you something here?
SOOKIE: You can show me your sweet tokus as long as I can keep jiggling.
LORELAI: Fine, keep jiggling. I was just going through something, I thought you might be interested. It's from 1984.
SOOKIE: The book?
LORELAI: No, the year. It's my baby box. It's full of all these little things, mementos and stuff from the night Rory was born. I haven't taken it out in ages.
SOOKIE: Mine's not getting a box because mine's not coming out.
LORELAI: Mm. My walkman with the homemade compilation tape still in it. "99 Luft Balloons," some R.E.M., some Thompson Twins.
SOOKIE: I never cared for them.
LORELAI: The magazine I was reading that night, with a special feature on who's hotter - Andrew McCarthy or Emilio Estevez.
SOOKIE: They're both dogs.
LORELAI: My Bubblicious-gum necklace, my Chunky wrapper.
SOOKIE: Ooh, I do like the Chunky's. I'd like bourbon better, but I do like the Chunky's.
LORELAI: John's digits.
SOOKIE: John who?
LORELAI: He was volunteering at the hospital for high school credit. He said, "Call me when you get your figure back."
SOOKIE: Sweet-talker. And for me, it was always Emilio 'cause he was kind of nasty.
LORELAI: Same here. Rory's first jumper.
SOOKIE: Bananarama?
LORELAI: I made it out of one of my t-shirts. It was the first thing I ever made her - ever made, ever. It was post-Gilmore economy. Look how tiny.
SOOKIE: Tiny.
LORELAI: She was the most beautiful pink all over. She even smelled pink. That sounds weird. I can't describe it - that little, pink, baby smell. The first time her eyes focused on me and her little fingers reached out. . .I was someone new. She had me.
SOOKIE: Emilio.
LORELAI: Rory.
CUT TO BACKSTAGE AT THE FESTIVAL
MISS PATTY: We're five minutes away from the starting gate, people. Five minutes.
RORY: Oh, my God, you guys look so cute. You know, it was just seven short years ago that I was a little Chinese acrobat just like you.
KID: You smell!
RORY: And we respected our elders when I was a little Chinese acrobat.
ANDREW: I hate kids.
KIRK: Lookin' good, lookin' good.
TROUBADOUR: Hey everybody, big night, huh? Hi, Kirk.
KIRK: Hello.
TROUBADOUR: Anyone sitting here?
KIRK: Yes. You have to go somewhere else.
TROUBADOUR: But Miss Patty said I -
KIRK: You have to go somewhere else!
TROUBADOUR: Okay.
KIRK: Perhaps there's an empty chair next to one of your friends, say, the high priest Caiaphas? Maybe he can accommodate you, hm?
TROUBADOUR: I guess so.
LORELAI: Hey, Rory, one of those little acrobat boys told me my breath smells stinky. They're running wild.
RORY: Acro-brats, I call them.
LORELAI: Ha, nice!
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Got your ferret.
RORY: Oh, he looks mean.
LORELAI: Aw, I don't think there's any such thing as a friendly ferret and definitely not a cute one.
RORY: Yeah, they got dealt a rough card, those ferrets.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, art nouveau clock girl, hands off the face.
TAYLOR: What? Art nouveau clock girl touched her face? This place is bedlam.
MISS PATTY: Oh, relax, Taylor. We're right on schedule. Have a cigarette.
TAYLOR: I don't smoke.
MISS PATTY: Could you start?
LORELAI: Taylor, look, your cousin came to visit you backstage to say hello. [high-pitched voice] Oh, hello! What a pretty night it is for a festival! Do you have a mouse? I'm feeling a bit peckish.
TAYLOR: Put that down.
LORELAI: Just trying to lighten the mood.
TAYLOR: It's too late. That Hank from Woodbury is sitting front-row center just trying to psych me out.
LORELAI: Everybody's ready, Taylor, really.
TAYLOR: I hope everybody is ready.
LORELAI: [high pitched voice] Hey, let's all be friends. Can I nibble your neck?
MISS PATTY: He's really got his knickers in a twist tonight.
RORY: Hey, talk more like a ferret.
LORELAI: Sorry, time to attach it.
MISS PATTY: So, is Sookie okay?
LORELAI: Oh, she's great. Still big, still waiting, but she's fine.
MISS PATTY: Oh, good.
RORY: Was she the one shaking me in the middle of the night yelling, "what motivated you to come out of your mother" over and over?
LORELAI: She got a little spooked. There. Wow. You're beautiful, Anthea.
RORY: I feel very painty.
LORELAI: I gotta go change. Freeze good.
RORY: I will.
KIRK: The time approaches. I am ready.
LORELAI: Aw. You might want to check that Gumby/Pokey watch, Kirk.
KIRK: Right. Sorry. And it's a collectible, not a toy. It's an adult, uh. . .it's very valuable.
CUT TO THE STAGE
[Taylor walks up to the podium]
TAYLOR: Ladies and gentlemen, I am Taylor Doose. Welcome to the 43rd annual Connecticut Festival of Living Pictures. [applause] As you may know, the town of Woodbury was supposed to host this year's festival, but due to their recent flooding, Woodbury backed out. They got a little moisture over there and basically said, "Oh, well, whatever, never mind." But the town of Stars Hollow was happy to step in because this vital tradition must continue. [applause] "The Festival of Living Pictures" has a storied history...
[cut to backstage]
ANDREW: Cecilia - that's a very pretty name. Very pretty.
MISS PATTY: Keep it in your pants, Andrew. Okay, listen up, people. The f*re department is out here because some dingbat parked in the red zone. Now, I warned you guys about parking there. So, who is it? Come on, speak up or you're gonna be towed. Who is it?
TROUBADOUR: I saw it when I came in, I think that's Kirk's.
KIRK: You Judas!
MISS PATTY: Go move it, Kirk!
TROUBADOUR: Just trying to help.
KIRK: Shouldn't you kiss me on the cheek before you betray me?
TROUBADOUR: You're gonna get towed.
KIRK: Just keep away from me, pal!
TROUBADOUR: You know, I'm getting a little tired of this holier-than-thou attitude of yours.
KIRK: I mean it.
MISS PATTY: Rory, go, go, you're on. Hey, art nouveau clock girl, you got your Zippo on you?
[cut to the stage]
TAYLOR: Our first tableau was created by the talented craftsmen in our little town. It is a painting by the Italian master Girolamo Parmigianino. He was born in Parma and was of the mannerist school, becoming a master portraitist, blending the sensual style with the classical style of Raphael, as you can see in his "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea." [applause]
[cut to backstage]
MISS PATTY: Five minutes to "The Last Supper", people, five minutes. Oh, my God! Christ, Judas, stop fighting! Shame you apostles, why couldn't you get in there and stop 'em?
KIRK: If I've re-pulled my calf muscle, you are so getting it!
TROUBADOUR: So perform a miracle and unpull it, you jerk!
KIRK: You're a blasphemer! You're a blasphemer and a traitor! And let's face it, you're unattractive.
MISS PATTY: Okay, we got no time for this. Get your butts on that stage! And, apostles, keep Christ and Judas apart!
[cut to the stage]
TAYLOR: Da vinci's "Last Supper" has become one of the most revered masterpieces in the world. This majestic fresco was completed in 1498 and its prestige has never diminished.
[cut to backstage]
TROUBADOUR: You've been a jerk from the start! What about Shakey's? You all went out without me, and you lied about it.
KIRK: You're imagining things.
TROUBADOUR: Well, Simon Peter said so. James, the son of Alpheus, Lebbeus - they all said so.
KIRK: When did you speak with Lebbeus?
MISS PATTY: God help me, if you two don't shut up, I'm gonna stick these papier-mché rolls down your throats! That's it! That's it! Curtain!
[cut to the stage]
TAYLOR: And so now may we present "The Last Supper." [applause]
[Rory walks up to Lane in the audience]
RORY: So I was good? The ferret didn't upstage me?
LANE: The ferret underplayed it nicely.
RORY: Hey, isn't that that guitarist?
LANE: It is. It's Gil. Rats, I was gonna call him tomorrow with the bad news.
RORY: Well, you could just walk away rudely.
LANE: I'll say a quick hello and tell him I'll call him tomorrow.
[Lane walks over to Gil]
GIL: Hey, Lane. Trippy, huh?
LANE: Totally. How you doin', Gil?
GIL: Great. I saw the flyers, I thought I'd come check it out.
LANE: Cool, great, yeah.
GIL: Hey, don't sweat it, okay?
LANE: What do you mean?
GIL: It's okay. I know I'm not in the band.
LANE: Oh.
GIL: I picked up the vibe. The age difference - it doesn't bother me, but it's a little weird, I know.
LANE: Maybe a little.
GIL: It's cool, really.
LANE: Good. Well, you're a great guy, Gil, and a great guitarist. Someone's gonna scoop you up quick.
GIL: I hope so. I'm gonna keep going no matter what, not like last time.
LANE: Last time?
GIL: Yeah. I had another band, a great band, the hottest band in L.A. We sold out all the clubs - The House of Blues, The Whiskey. A&R guys were hanging out. We had an awesome demo with tunes. Then we got our big break - an opening slot on a national tour with Quiet Riot.
LANE: Wow!
GIL: But we blew it. We were fighting all the time over money, over chicks. We broke up before the tour even started.
LANE: Oh no.
GIL: It k*lled me. I didn't touch my Axe for years. I just got a day gig and lived my life. Then a few months ago, I picked up my guitar, and I realized how much I missed it. So I went out looking again, and that's how you got my tape.
LANE: Wow.
GIL: But I'm not stopping this time for anything. I'm gonna keep going until it happens. But thanks for letting me play with you guys. It was a blast. You're fantastic.
LANE: Well, get used to playing with us, Gil, 'cause you're in the band.
GIL: Really?
LANE: Really.
GIL: No way!
LANE: Way.
GIL: Oh, my God! This is so cool! I can't believe it.
LANE: I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
GIL: Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Honey, kids, I am in the band! Yes!
[Lane walks back over to Rory]
LANE: Our guitarist is married.
RORY: You made his kids happy, too.
CUT TO THE STAGE
TROUBADOUR: You guys watched the first two "Matrix"s on DVD together, too. I heard all about it.
KIRK: Get away from me.
TAYLOR: "The Last Supper," ladies and gentlemen. Serene, wasn't it?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is cleaning up when Nicole walks in]
LUKE: Better order quick. We're closing. . .soon.
NICOLE: Surprise.
LUKE: I'll say.
NICOLE: Lots of nuttiness going on out there.
LUKE: Yeah, it's the festival of nutty pictures, so. . .
NICOLE: You successfully avoid the nuttiness?
LUKE: Yeah, for the most part, yeah. Christ's table was broken, so I fixed it.
NICOLE: He's a carpenter, he should have fixed it himself.
LUKE: Yeah, well. . .
NICOLE: Speaking of nutty. . .all this, you and me.
LUKE: Yeah.
NICOLE: If it were happening to anyone else, I'd laugh.
LUKE: About what?
NICOLE: Well, getting married is what broke us up. You gotta love the irony.
LUKE: Yeah, it is a little ironic.
NICOLE: Luke, I'm not gonna say that getting married on that ship like we did wasn't wrong. We should have thought more about it, but maybe rushing into divorce would be just as wrong.
LUKE: What are you talking about?
NICOLE: Well, we're still you and me. Why can't we have what we had before?
LUKE: Which was?
NICOLE: Two people who loved being together.
LUKE: We're in the middle of a divorce.
NICOLE: We can postpone it.
LUKE: We can?
NICOLE: I'm a lawyer, I know these things.
LUKE: Postpone it and do what?
NICOLE: Date.
LUKE: Date?
NICOLE: Remember? That was the fun part.
LUKE: So what you're saying is we get back together, not divorced, but not be married, either?
NICOLE: I guess. I know it sounds stupid, but it doesn't feel stupid, does it?
CUT TO THE FESTIVAL
TAYLOR: Picasso's "Guernica," everybody. Wasn't that something? Our next work is found in the gardens of Versailles in the country of our former ally, France. It is one of more than two thousand sculptures to be found in that famed garden. I'd like to turn your attention now to our town's beloved gazebo for "The Reaper."
[cut to backstage]
MISS PATTY: Okay, our statue's done. Stamp it, ship it. Terrence and Lorelai, our Renoir couple, you're up next. Be ready.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm just about done here, Patty. Just give me one second.
MISS PATTY: Okay, I'm just saying, two-minute warning. Terrence, get into place. My aching feet will never forgive me.
RORY: You ready for your close-up, Miss Desmond?
LORELAI: Just about.
RORY: Grand finale. It's a great way to close this thing.
LORELAI: You know, I don't know why everybody's rushing me like this.
RORY: Mom. . .you okay?
LORELAI: Yeah. No.
RORY: No?
LORELAI: My heart is going a million miles a second. I feel hot. Is my makeup running?
RORY: No, Mom, you look great. What's wrong?
LORELAI: I flinched.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Seven years ago on this very stage in this very costume, I flinched.
RORY: No, you didn't.
LORELAI: Yes, I did. You weren't watching. I was in denial. I just didn't want Taylor to be right, but he was. I flinched.
RORY: Well, so what? You flinched a little. I bet most people didn't see it.
LORELAI: Stevie Wonder could have seen it. I almost knocked Terrence down. I flinched. I am a big, fat flincher!
RORY: But that was a long time ago.
LORELAI: Once a flincher, always a flincher.
RORY: No, no, Mom. That was seven years ago. You're different now.
LORELAI: Yeah, I am. I'm less s*ab. My muscles are weaker and my bones are more fragile. There are a dozen more ways for me to wobble now. I'm a Weeble, and Weebles wobble. I'm gonna blow the whole finale and the town is gonna hate me.
RORY: Mom, listen, you are in amazing physical shape. This is mental. You can b*at it.
LORELAI: How?
RORY: 'Cause you can.
LORELAI: No specifics?
RORY: Not really.
LORELAI: Well, I need something.
RORY: Close your eyes and think of England.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: And know that I love you no matter what happens up there and go be still.
LORELAI: England, England.
RORY: England.
MISS PATTY: She's not gonna flinch, is she? Is she?
[cut to the stage]
TAYLOR: . . . made Pierre Auguste Renoir one of the world's most beloved painters. So to close our triumphant evening, we give you his incomparable "Dance at Bougival." [applause]
RORY: Good girl. Keep it up.
[Sookie's baby pager goes off]
RORY: Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.
MISS PATTY: What the hell is that?
RORY: It's Sookie's baby pager.
MISS PATTY: Oy to the vey!
["The Entertainer" continues playing from the pager]
MISS PATTY: I can't look.
RORY: Keep frozen. Keep frozen.
MISS PATTY: What's happening? That's it. Curtain!
TAYLOR: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for making tonight such a success. On behalf of the town of Stars Hollow, we bid you adieu from "The Festival of Living Pictures." [applause]
[Lorelai and Rory run toward Sookie's house]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x07 - The Festival of Living Art"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Tom Moore
transcript by Stacy with assistance by Canopus
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, Richard, and Emily are eating dinner]
RORY: More broccoli, Grandpa?
RICHARD: Absolutely. Staves off the cancer.
LORELAI: Staves off my appetite.
EMILY: You really should eat more green things, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I plan to eat a five-dollar bill later tonight.
RORY: Oh, have you seen the new twenties? They have a little peach color in 'em.
LORELAI: Peach, perfect. I'll eat a new twenty, I'll have my fruits and vegetables.
RICHARD: I think we saw some of the new twenties in Atlantic City, didn't we, Emily?
EMILY: I think.
RORY: How was Atlantic City? Successful?
RICHARD: Very.
LORELAI: Well, Siskel's chimed in. What about you?
EMILY: I'm refraining.
RICHARD: It's a bit of a sore subject.
LORELAI: We'll talk about something else.
EMILY: The garishness, the garishness.
LORELAI: Thus spake Ebert.
EMILY: Why have a simple sign if it can be in bright flashing neon? And the new slot machines? They don't just make obnoxious bell sounds anymore, they yell at you.
LORELAI: The slot machines were talking to you, Mom? Are you sure it wasn't just you?
RICHARD: Oh, they talk, I can verify that. One of them kept yelling, "wheel. . .of. . .fortune!"
EMILY: And the parking lot of the hotel that we stayed at had an area for RV's.
LORELAI: Perish the thought!
EMILY: And the boardwalk...
RORY: Oh, I've always wanted to see the Atlantic City boardwalk.
EMILY: I'll save you a trip. Tip an overflowing trash can on your front porch and walk up and down on it.
RICHARD: It was actually quite a successful outing. Maybe not to our taste, but the clients loved it.
EMILY: The clients were too plastered to know better.
LORELAI: Kind of the point.
EMILY: Two of them stayed up all night and smelled like it.
RICHARD: That was a tad gross.
EMILY: One of them - a married man - had a long conversation with. . .how shall I put this delicately? A woman of less than reputable nature.
LORELAI: Hm. Do hookers charge to let you talk to them?
RORY: Depends on what they're doing when they're talking to you.
EMILY: Rory!
RORY: Sorry.
EMILY: I expect that from your mother, but not you.
RORY: Just a joke.
LORELAI: Yeah, Mom, Yale is broadening her world view.
EMILY: Digger was in his element.
RICHARD: You mean Jason was in his element.
EMILY: He caroused along with the best of them.
LORELAI: You carouse any, Dad?
RICHARD: I played a little craps, but the tables were ice-cold.
EMILY: What's the next outing Jason has planned for your clients, Richard? Spring break in Cancún so you can do sh*ts off people's bellies?
LORELAI: I'm uncomfortable hearing you say that.
RORY: Me, too.
RICHARD: I can assure you, Emily, that there are no belly sh*ts in our future.
LORELAI: Although doing one off Dad's belly is okay. You're married.
EMILY: And those gifts. Those heinous gifts he gave out.
RICHARD: Oh, we had little roulette wheels printed up with our company name on them. They were a big h*t. Perfect for an executive's table. I got one for each of you.
EMILY: Richard, don't, it's embarrassing.
RORY: They're cute.
EMILY: They're the antithesis of class - so like Digger.
RICHARD: Emily, that was his nickname as a boy, and he's sensitive about it.
EMILY: I've never called him that to his face.
RICHARD: You did at that craps table, and then he sevened out.
EMILY: Please, let's discuss something other than New Jersey.
RICHARD: I am more than willing.
LORELAI: Hey, have you guys read any of Rory's articles in the Yale newspaper?
EMILY: Of course, we've read them all.
RICHARD: Fine work, Rory. The Yale Daily News is lucky to have you.
RORY: Oh, it's really not a big deal.
LORELAI: Hey, they're right. Take your props.
RICHARD: You'll be running that paper before long.
RORY: I'm not even on staff yet.
EMILY: You're not?
RORY: These are just tryout articles to qualify. You have to write something for every department, and then if those pass muster, then you're on staff.
RICHARD: Well, your coverage of that lacrosse match was very exciting.
LORELAI: Yeah. For two seconds, I almost gave a flying you-know-what about lacrosse.
EMILY: I liked your coverage on the new funds approved for upkeep on the divinity quadrangle.
RICHARD: You made it sing.
EMILY: We're having all your articles laminated.
RORY: That's very nice.
LORELAI: Yes! I got my number.
CUT TO THE YALE NEWSPAPER OFFICE
[Rory is looking through a newspaper]
PARIS: It just seems like a quaint archaism. I mean, if you're a good journalist, why make you jump through hoops and write all these tryout articles? Stale bagel.
RORY: It's a time-honored tradition. All our forebears had to do it.
PARIS: If our forebears had fought it, we wouldn't be dealing with it now. What are you looking for?
RORY: My article. I did a review of the chamber-music recital.
PARIS: Must be in there somewhere. And that's the other thing - they print everything.
RORY: Hm, that's weird.
PARIS: They'd print my mattress tag if it was in the right margins.
RORY: It's not here.
PARIS: Impossible.
RORY: No, I've looked pretty thoroughly.
PARIS: Must be a mistake.
RORY: No, it's really not here.
PARIS: Just means parakeets will be crapping on something else in the morning. They're all stale.
DOYLE: Morning. Morning.
RORY: Hi, Doyle.
DOYLE: Hi, Rory. Coffee mint?
RORY: No, thanks.
DOYLE: I'm addicted to these things. So is Bob Woodward. So I hear - not that I'm copying him. What's up?
RORY: Well, I was wondering if there was a problem with my review.
DOYLE: Oh, the review? Which was yours, the quartet?
RORY: Yeah, chamber music at Sprague Hall.
DOYLE: Right, right.
RORY: Did I get it in late?
DOYLE: No, you got it in right on time. You're good about that.
RORY: But you didn't print it.
DOYLE: No, we didn't.
RORY: So, space issue?
DOYLE: No, we had the space. We always have the space, but it was a bit of a yawn.
RORY: A yawn?
DOYLE: Yeah.
RORY: Well, you know, chamber-music recitals are very low-key, kind of yawny affairs. Pretty music but no stage diving or anything.
DOYLE: I meant the writing.
RORY: The writing was kind of a yawn?
DOYLE: But don't sweat it. You'll do better next time.
RORY: Right, sure.
DOYLE: My mother liked it.
RORY: Liked what?
DOYLE: The recital. She's old. Excuse me.
RORY: Sure. Sure.
PARIS: Your article didn't get in?
RORY: No, it didn't.
PARIS: [checks the paper] Mine did. Good, good. I'm going to get a bagel.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai, Rory, and Lane are walking down the street]
LORELAI: He actually used the word yawn?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: What a jerk.
LANE: You should punch him where it counts.
RORY: He was just doing his job.
LORELAI: He could have been a little more diplomatic.
LANE: The word yawn is insulting.
RORY: Yeah, but I was actually tired when I wrote it, so it probably wasn't my best work. I should write my articles at night first, then study.
LORELAI: I still say Yawn Guy needs a little learnin'.
LANE: Yeah, kick him where the sun don't shine.
LORELAI: You really are not good at thr*at.
LANE: I know, and I hate that.
RORY: I'll just chalk it up to experience.
LANE: Hey, what time do you have?
RORY: Uh, five to four.
LANE: Five minutes to my call with Dave. I should get home.
LORELAI: Hey, are we still mad at him?
LANE: We never were.
LORELAI: That's right. Must be Jackson. We're mad at Jackson for something he said to Sookie.
RORY: No, we're not.
LORELAI: You sure?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Must be Gypsy. We're mad at her husband?
RORY: She's not married.
LORELAI: This is gonna bug me.
RORY: So, how is Dave?
LANE: He's great. I just wish he weren't three thousand miles away.
RORY: How did he take the news that you found a replacement for him in the band?
LANE: He was a little weird about it.
LORELAI: And that's why we're mad at him.
RORY: We're not mad at Dave.
LORELAI: Must be Jackson.
LANE: I miss that boy.
RORY: Well, he'll be home for Christmas, right?
LANE: He better.
LORELAI: This is my stop.
RORY: Say hi to the baby for me.
LORELAI: Find out who we're mad at.
RORY: We're not mad at anybody.
LORELAI: We're always mad at somebody.
[Lorelai walks up to Sookie's house. Michel is sitting on the front porch]
LORELAI: Hey. Door's open. Aren't they home?
MICHEL: They are home. I'm not welcome in it.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: Lorelai, come on in.
MICHEL: I'm being discriminated against. Go, enjoy.
LORELAI: Michel can't come in?
SOOKIE: Nope.
MICHEL: I'm Rosa Parks.
LORELAI: Why can't Rosa Parks come in?
SOOKIE: He sneezed.
MICHEL: Five days ago.
SOOKIE: I can't take a chance with the baby.
MICHEL: It's a business meeting. The baby should not attend.
SOOKIE: He's a week old. What should he do, take in a movie?
MICHEL: I got dust up my nose. It made me sneeze. I am not sick.
SOOKIE: [to Lorelai] Come on in.
LORELAI: Sorry. Uh-huh-huh-huh. . .oh, no. Whew!
MICHEL: Not funny.
[Lorelai walks into the house]
LORELAI: There he is. Oh. Oh, widdle Davey, widdle Davey, peekaboo, peekaboo. Oh, you have a widdle nose. Oh, oh, no, Aunt Lorelai's got your nose. Do you want it back? Do you? Do you?
SOOKIE: He's not indicating that he wants it back.
LORELAI: Well, then, I'm going to keep it.
MICHEL: This is painful.
SOOKIE: You know, he said his first word this morning.
LORELAI: Who? Michel? What'd he say?
SOOKIE: He said, "ah-oopah."
LORELAI: Did you say, "ah-oopah"? Did you? Well, you're very talented. Did you know that?
MICHEL: If I throw up, do you want it on the bushes or the grass?
LORELAI: Michel, don't you like babies?
MICHEL: I don't know. I've never been near one. I thought today was my chance.
LORELAI: I brought pastries.
SOOKIE: Excellent.
LORELAI: Do you want one, Michel?
MICHEL: So I can look even sadder, sitting and eating pastry by myself? No, thank you. Can we start?
LORELAI: Okay. Well, I'm here to report that the Dragonfly is officially demoed and stripped to its studs, to the point where it looks worse than ever and you can't imagine it ever looking good ever again.
SOOKIE: Excellent.
MICHEL: There are big, flying things out here.
LORELAI: But we're on schedule, and when I left, the plumbing contractor was unloading all sorts of impressive-looking copper pipes, so that's something, I guess, and. . .oh, Bruce.
BRUCE: Hello.
LORELAI: I thought you'd gone.
BRUCE: I came back.
LORELAI: Well, there you go.
SOOKIE: Bruce is not only a midwife, she's also a lactation specialist.
LORELAI: Yikes.
MICHEL: Ugh.
BRUCE: Is that the sneezer?
MICHEL: It was dust. What are these big green things with wings?
LORELAI: You know, Bruce, I didn't get a chance to tell you how impressed I was by the home birth. It was just amazing to watch and very, very special.
BRUCE: Did you talk baby talk to Davey?
LORELAI: Yes.
BRUCE: Every second Davey's brain is hard-wiring for life. Baby talk can ret*rd his language-acquisition rate. Is that what you want?
LORELAI: Definitely not. I want him fully tarded.
MICHEL: This flying green thing is toying with me.
BRUCE: In five minutes, we'll feed.
SOOKIE: Five minutes. Did I tell you she donates her services to indigent, inner-city mothers?
LORELAI: It's okay.
MICHEL: All right, this thing is getting ready to dive-b*mb.
LORELAI: So, Davey, beautiful day, huh? What would you like to discuss? Middle East peace, the space program? I'm sorry, what's that? Oh, my God. He said, "the answer to the problems in the mideast is, 'I have to poop.'"
SOOKIE: He got distracted.
LORELAI: And now there's no peace? Davey, come on, man, hard-wire those adult thoughts and try to remember what we're talking. . . and he said that Thursday's impossible to start work and I reminded him about our contract.
SOOKIE: Good, because he needed to be reminded.
LORELAI: So that's all taken care of.
MICHEL: I'm being att*cked by green things!
BRUCE: It's time to feed.
LORELAI: Well, this has been a very productive meeting.
SOOKIE: Very.
CUT TO YALE NEWSPAPER OFFICE
[Rory walks in]
RORY: Hi, Doyle. Got something for you.
DOYLE: Your new review?
RORY: My new review.
DOYLE: Remember "The New Zoo Revue"?
RORY: Henrietta hippo?
DOYLE: Freddie the frog, and who was the third one? What was the third one?
RORY: I'm drawing a blank.
DOYLE: Oh, I hate that. Whenever there's three of something, you always forget the third one. It's like a statistical thing.
RORY: Do you want me to come back?
DOYLE: No, let's look at it now.
RORY: So I drank a lot of coffee before writing this, so hopefully it won't be a yawn.
DOYLE: Good. [reads Rory's article and crosses things out]
RORY: Doyle.
DOYLE: Just a sec.
RORY: You're crossing everything out.
DOYLE: Not everything.
RORY: Well, the only thing you haven't crossed out is what you haven't read yet.
DOYLE: Hold on, hold on, okay? Well, it's better than your last one. You're showing progress.
RORY: Oh.
DOYLE: Really.
RORY: Okay, is this some kind of hazing?
DOYLE: Hazing?
RORY: I put a lot of time into this.
DOYLE: Oh, I know. It's definitely not for lack of trying.
RORY: Is it something personal? Did I do something to offend you?
DOYLE: No, Rory, this is how it works. It's not personal. It's just not very good.
RORY: I rewrote it four times, and I researched it so thoroughly.
DOYLE: Don't worry about the facts. You seem to have gotten those right. Stan, file this for me.
RORY: So, it's not good?
DOYLE: I just couldn't tell what you really thought.
RORY: But I tried so hard.
DOYLE: Oh, I know.
RORY: So I should try less hard?
DOYLE: Look, just write what you think. You have opinions, don't you?
RORY: Sure, I do.
DOYLE: That's what will work.
RORY: Sounds simple.
DOYLE: It can be. Charlie the owl. That's the third one.
RORY: Right, right, Charlie. Guess I'll go.
DOYLE: Don't worry. Either you'll get the hang of things or you won't.
RORY: Uh huh.
DOYLE: Just make sure this one's good.
RORY: Got it.
CUT TO YALE THEATER
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
LORELAI: Wow, pretty. Yale's got the big bucks, huh?
RORY: Yeah, I guess.
LORELAI: This is gonna be fun.
RORY: It's work for me.
LORELAI: Are those our seats, all saved and everything?
RORY: One of the advantages of being with the press.
LORELAI: Are you okay?
RORY: Yeah, I'm the happiest unpublished writer in the newspaper biz.
LORELAI: You are not unpublished.
RORY: I am recently unpublished.
LORELAI: Don't forget your lacrosse-story triumph.
RORY: Yeah, maybe lacrosse is the only thing I'm good at writing about, and I'd never heard of it before I was assigned it.
LORELAI: Now, come on.
RORY: Hopefully, there will be plenty of well-paid, full-time lacrosse-writing positions for me at the major news organizations.
LORELAI: You need chocolate.
RORY: Chocolate and talent.
LORELAI: Stop that.
RORY: Maybe I'm just not cut out for college journalism. Maybe I peaked in high school. Aw, man, that's a depressing thought.
LORELAI: You didn't peak. This is just a different environment and a bigger league, and that's half the fun, isn't it?
RORY: Kind of. Here we go.
LORELAI: Ah, I love these seats. They're so important.
[The ballet starts]
RORY: Oh.
LORELAI: Well, she recovered quickly.
RORY: Whoa.
LORELAI: The floor must be slippery.
RORY: Huh.
LORELAI: I don't think the guy is supposed to wince when he lifts the ballerina.
RORY: Maybe it was involuntary?
LORELAI: She wasn't supposed to kick him like that, was she?
RORY: I don't think so.
LORELAI: It gives new meaning to the word nutcracker.
[they giggle]
LORELAI: Shh, shh.
[cut to the theater after the ballet is over]
LORELAI: Wow.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: That was terrible.
RORY: From the opening kerplunk.
LORELAI: And just kept getting worse.
RORY: I'm in physical discomfort.
LORELAI: That lead ballerina - she has no friends.
RORY: How can you tell?
LORELAI: Because no one gave her the heads-up on the roll of fat around the bra strap.
RORY: Maybe she just has no friends in the ballet.
LORELAI: All ballet people do is ballet. If she has no friends in the ballet, she has no friends. Holy moly.
RORY: I wonder how many times I can use the word "blows" in an article before it becomes redundant.
LORELAI: What are you gonna write?
RORY: I don't know. What I think, I guess.
LORELAI: Really.
RORY: Well, apparently, that's what was missing from my other pieces - my opinions, so. . .
LORELAI: Well, if you want my opinion, that end curtain came down way too slowly.
RORY: I'll try to work that in.
LORELAI: Man oh man. If Vincent Gallo could just see this, he'd feel a whole lot better about "Brown Bunny."
CUT TO YALE NEWSPAPER OFFICE
[Doyle reads over Rory's article]
DOYLE: Nice.
RORY: Nice?
DOYLE: Really great job.
RORY: Really?
DOYLE: Really.
RORY: Oh, wow, thanks.
DOYLE: Thank you. Stan, get this to layout.
STAN: Yeah.
DOYLE: I love doing that.
RORY: And you look good doing it.
DOYLE: Coffee mint?
RORY: Thanks.
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Mrs. Kim walks a customer to the door]
CUSTOMER: This piece is beautiful. My wife's gonna flip.
MRS. KIM: Good. Now, it's very fragile, so keep it away from young children.
CUSTOMER: We don't have children.
MRS. KIM: You should. Everyone should have children.
CUSTOMER: Okay. Thank you.
MRS. KIM: You're welcome. Lane?
LANE: Yes, Mama?
MRS. KIM: I have something for Dave.
LANE: For Dave, my Dave?
MRS. KIM: Something for you to send to him in California. Special gift from me to him.
LANE: Really?
MRS. KIM: Could you wrap it and take it to the post office?
LANE: Definitely. That's so sweet, Mama.
MRS. KIM: He's a good boy. He's going to make a good man.
LANE: I agree.
MRS. KIM: I'm going to make some tea.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Michel are walking down the street]
MICHEL: So, I looked up what Bruce said about baby talk and she was right. You should never talk baby talk to a baby.
LORELAI: That's sad.
MICHEL: Yeah. So I've been calling all my friends and relatives with babies to tell them to immediately stop talking to them.
LORELAI: You mean, stop talking baby talk?
MICHEL: No, it's better that they just stop altogether.
LORELAI: Ittle-bitty Michel.
MICHEL: Now, stop that.
LORELAI: Well, I like talking baby talk and I can't do it to babies, so I need an outlet. And you're my outwet - wittle Michel with the happy hair.
MICHEL: Goodbye.
LORELAI: You no wanna eat? Aw, look at him walking. Big boy walkie. Ooh.
[Lorelai walks into Luke's Diner and sees Nicole sitting at the counter]
LORELAI: Nicole!
NICOLE: Hi, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Well, I'll be. Look at you there.
NICOLE: It's nice to see you.
LORELAI: Yeah. Does Luke know you're here?
NICOLE: Yeah, he's just in the back. Do you want him?
LORELAI: No, I don't want him, I don't want him. I was just coming in for a bite with a friend and. . .not my imaginary friend. My friend Michel was with me, but he doesn't eat normal food like this, so he's not coming in, so. . . you good?
NICOLE: Very good. And you?
LORELAI: Very good, too. I'm just still living here in Stars Hollow, and, um, Rory's going to Yale.
NICOLE: I knew that.
LORELAI: Of course. Well, naturally, you would be all filled in 'cause Luke's talking to you regularly, and. . .
NICOLE: Mmhmm.
LORELAI: So, um. . .I met a bunch of lawyers from your firm.
NICOLE: Really?
LORELAI: I did, yes, because, well, I'm - they were coming in to see Luke, and I'm in here a lot, so. . .
NICOLE: Right. Yeah, they're good guys.
LORELAI: Really good guys. They like you a lot.
NICOLE: They're the partners at my firm.
LORELAI: Well, so they have to like you. So, is Luke coming out, or. . .
NICOLE: He should be.
LORELAI: You know, I'm not hungry.
NICOLE: No?
LORELAI: I just remembered, I just ate.
NICOLE: Oh.
LORELAI: So. . .but it's really good to see you.
NICOLE: Same here.
LORELAI: Really good.
NICOLE: Uh huh.
LORELAI: Okay. So. . . [leaves]
CUT TO YALE
[Rory is walking toward her dorm]
RORY: [answers cell phone] Hello?
LANE: Oh, thank God.
RORY: Lane?
LANE: I just had the biggest fight with Dave that we've ever had ever, and it's all my mother's fault.
RORY: Your mother? Why?
LANE: Get this - earlier today, my mom asked me to wrap something that she wants to send to Dave.
RORY: Is it his birthday?
LANE: No, this was something else altogether. You holding onto your hat?
RORY: I'm not wearing one, but I can pretend to be.
LANE: It's the jug.
RORY: What jug?
LANE: The jug. The big jug. The monumental jug.
RORY: What jug?
LANE: Remember when I was a kid, my mother showed me the special jug that's been passed down in my family for years and years in a long-standing Kim tradition that she is personally going to present to the boy I'm going to wed?
RORY: Oh, my God. The marriage jug?
LANE: The marriage jug.
RORY: She's sending Dave the marriage jug? What does that mean?
LANE: I'm guessing it means she's reserving a hall and ordering that "Stations of the Cross" ice sculpture.
RORY: Whoa, this is serious.
LANE: No kidding.
RORY: I had forgotten all about it.
LANE: I didn't. It's been sitting on that shelf all my life, and I kind of liked that it was there. It was a nice thing, a nice tradition. I had pleasant associations with it, and now I want to break it into a million pieces.
RORY: What inspired her?
LANE: Who knows?
RORY: Have you been sending out a vibe or something?
LANE: A vibe, no. What kind of vibe?
RORY: Like a marriage vibe.
LANE: I don't know what that is. I mean, maybe. I love Dave. If you love a boy, do you automatically send out a marriage vibe?
RORY: I don't think so.
LANE: I feel weird just saying that.
RORY: Well, wait, why did you and Dave get into a big fight?
LANE: Well, I didn't send him the jug, but I had to give him a heads-up in case he called here innocently and my mom said something to him like, "You rent that tux yet?" So I did, and he was really mean about it. He was very against getting the jug.
RORY: You thought he'd be all for it?
LANE: No, but he was way too down on the idea.
RORY: Lane, he's eighteen. He just started college.
LANE: I know.
RORY: Jug or no jug, he's not ready to get married.
LANE: I know.
RORY: And neither are you.
LANE: I know. Someday maybe.
RORY: Yes, someday, but not now.
LANE: Great. Now we're about to get into a fight?
RORY: No, we're not. There have just been enough young people marrying in my life. I don't want any more.
LANE: Okay.
RORY: What are you gonna do?
LANE: I don't know. She's going to expect a call or note from him, thanking his soon-to-be mother-in-law or else she'll be offended.
RORY: Probably.
LANE: I guess I've got to talk to her about it.
RORY: I don't see any other way.
[Rory arrives at her suite door, which says "Die Jerk" on it]
RORY: Whoa.
LANE: What?
RORY: Someone wrote something on our door - "Die Jerk."
LANE: It says "Die Jerk"?
RORY: It's not coming off.
LANE: Wow. Cool things like that never happen at adventist school.
[Paris opens the suite door]
PARIS: Rory.
RORY: Someone wrote "Die Jerk" on our door.
PARIS: I know. I thought maybe the person who did it was back to make good on the promise.
RORY: Who did this?
PARIS: I don't know, but we've got to find out and strike back hard. Come on, we're assembling inside.
RORY: Lane, I gotta go. We're assembling. Sorry about the jug.
LANE: It's okay. Keep me posted.
RORY: Yeah, you, too. Bye.
PARIS: [to student walking by] What's your business here?
[Rory and Paris walk into the common room]
RORY: Fun stuff, huh, guys?
JANET: Yeah, it's ridiculous.
TANNA: I may have been here when it happened.
JANET: And you heard nothing?
TANNA: No.
PARIS: Way to have that radar up.
RORY: Let's not make each other feel bad.
PARIS: Hey, hug a dolphin another day, all right? We need to rev up the g*n and retaliate before the next strike. We gotta go full-out Sharon.
RORY: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
TANNA: There's gonna be another strike?
PARIS: You wanna wait to find out? Now, first, we should each make a list of the people we've made enemies of, starting with most recent and working our way back.
TANNA: Can't we just let this go?
JANET: It may just be a joke.
PARIS: I'm not laughing. Anyone here laughing?
TANNA: I guess it is vandalism.
PARIS: It's more than that. This is an as*ault that should be met head-on using extreme prejudice. Now let's face it, I'm the most likely target, so I've already made up a list of enemies, which I've narrowed down from twenty-six to five.
JANET: Just at Yale?
PARIS: Just in this building.
TANNA: Maybe we should move.
PARIS: Retreat? I think not.
JANET: There's a girl on my volleyball team who's livid at me. I kissed her boyfriend.
TANNA: I'm exceedingly dull.
PARIS: Keep her close.
TANNA: What about you?
RORY: Me?
JANET: Made anyone mad lately?
PARIS: Oh, please, that would be like Dorothy pissing off the Tin Man. It's impossible.
TANNA: I'm not leaving my room.
JANET: I'll keep you posted on my person.
PARIS: And my five are already taken care of.
TANNA: They're taken care of?
PARIS: I got my East Side 860 partners on it. Now let's move.
RORY: Wanna watch tv?
TANNA: Something light.
RORY: I'm with you.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hi, Luke.
LUKE: Hi. Take a seat anywhere.
LORELAI: Very hungry.
LUKE: Yeah, well, you're in the right place.
LORELAI: Twice.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: I've come here twice. This is my second trip today.
LUKE: Oh, right, yeah. Well, you didn't eat.
LORELAI: Oh, you knew I was here?
LUKE: Uh, why didn't you stay?
LORELAI: I wasn't that hungry.
LUKE: Oh.
LORELAI: So, what's new?
LUKE: Uh, got some new coffee pots.
LORELAI: Anything else?
LUKE: New filters.
LORELAI: Anything else?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Anything else?
LUKE: Other than "no", no.
LORELAI: Nicole, Luke. Nicole was here. She's the one who told you that I was here and didn't stay. She's new. Nothing new.
LUKE: Well, you saw her, so it's not new.
LORELAI: Oh, it's so new. What's going on there?
LUKE: Well, we're kind of seeing each other again.
LORELAI: Thank you, and. . .boy!
LUKE: It's not heavy-duty.
LORELAI: So you're not getting divorced?
LUKE: Yeah, we put it on hold.
LORELAI: Put the divorce on hold?
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Can you do that?
LUKE: I don't know. It's all new to me.
LORELAI: So, um, is she moving in with you?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: What, no? You're husband and wife. It's not a crazy question.
LUKE: No, we're man and woman. We're just seeing each other as if we're not husband and wife.
LORELAI: Oh, well, the state of Connecticut sees it differently, you know. To the state, you're sharing a toothbrush holder and deciding together whether there's enough in the dishwasher to justify running it.
LUKE: Hopefully, the state will stay out of my way.
LORELAI: Now, what about taxes?
LUKE: What about them?
LORELAI: Well, you file single, jointly? I mean, what do you do?
LUKE: That's not for months.
LORELAI: You can't put it off.
LUKE: I'm not doing my taxes right now.
LORELAI: Capone?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: They got him for tax evasion.
LUKE: I don't plan on evading my taxes. Look, why are you pressing this?
LORELAI: Because it's weird.
LUKE: You think it's weird?
LORELAI: Yes. I am a cross section of the community, and if I think it's weird, then Rory thinks it's weird, and if Rory thinks that, then Miss Patty thinks that, and so on and so on.
LUKE: We're just not dealing with it right now. We're just letting things happen as they happen. We're going with the flow.
LORELAI: You're going with the flow?
LUKE: We're going with the flow.
LORELAI: Oh, that's so strum your sitar, dig the Maharishi, pass the owsley, summer of love, flower power, hippie-dippie, I can't stand it.
LUKE: You don't have to.
LORELAI: I hope you're not expecting a wedding present, 'cause I'm just putting it on hold 'til this whole thing clears up.
LUKE: Fine.
LORELAI: It's a good present.
LUKE: You haven't gotten it yet.
LORELAI: It would have been a good present.
LUKE: Look, what is it? You don't like Nicole?
LORELAI: I like Nicole. She's very nice. I don't think she likes me.
LUKE: She likes you fine, and, yes, she is very nice, and I missed her and she missed me and so we're dating again, putting off the hassle of getting a stupid divorce. Avoiding that hassle is the nice fringe benefit of getting back together again.
LORELAI: Aha, the hassle. Now we're getting down to it. If the divorce wasn't a hassle, would you still have gotten back together with her?
LUKE: I don't want to talk about this anymore.
LORELAI: Is that why we're still friends - because it would be too big a hassle for you to tell me you don't want to be friends anymore?
LUKE: What do you want to eat?
LORELAI: Eating's a hassle. I'll just starve.
LUKE: Fine.
LORELAI: And I'll starve right here because it would be too big a hassle to get up and leave.
LUKE: I'll work around you.
LORELAI: And hey, if it's too big a hassle to get rid of my body after I die of starvation, just leave it here to decompose all nice and quiet - no hassle.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: See ya.
LUKE: Wow, she's moving.
LORELAI: Well, I was kind of kidding about the decomposing here.
LUKE: But you still haven't eaten.
LORELAI: I'm not hungry, again.
LUKE: Fine, see ya.
LORELAI: And I liked the old coffee pots. The new ones look stupid. [leaves]
CUT TO YALE DINING HALL
[Rory is getting some food when a student walks up to her]
GUY: Hey, someone was looking for you.
RORY: Oh, who?
GUY: It's probably better that they don't find you. [leaves]
[As Rory starts to walk to a table, another student walks up to her]
GIRL: You are very brave.
RORY: What?
GIRL: If you hear the rustle of tulle coming up behind you, run.
[Rory sits down at a table. A student walks over to her angrily]
SANDRA: Rory Gilmore?
RORY: Yeah?
SANDRA: Remember me?
RORY: I don't think so.
SANDRA: That's very flattering.
RORY: Can I help you?
SANDRA: Let's see if this jogs your memory. I have the grace of a drunken dock worker?
RORY: Oh.
SANDRA: Remember me now?
RORY: The ballerina from the ballet.
SANDRA: That's right.
RORY: Your outfits are made of tulle, aren't they?
SANDRA: You're a jerk!
RORY: I know. You wrote that on my door.
SANDRA: You're lucky that's all I did!
RORY: Should we go somewhere else?
SANDRA: Your review was mean and petty and despicable!
RORY: Look, Sandra - that's your name, right? Sandra? This was all in the line of duty. It was an assignment from my editor, so it was nothing personal, okay?
SANDRA: You called me a hippo!
RORY: No, I compared you to a hippo, that's not calling you a hippo. And it was a humorous comparison. I was trying to -
SANDRA: To destroy me and my company!
RORY: No, and think about it - I bet that more than likely, very few people will even read the review, and most people aren't even interested in ballet in the first place. It's unfortunate and awful and I hate it, but what can you do? It's Avril Lavigne's world, and we're just living in it. Plus, most people left before the end, and I stuck it out. That's something.
SANDRA: I'm curious. How much ballet experience do you have? You must have a lot since you write about it with such authority.
RORY: Well, none to speak of. I had a few years of beginners' class and I stunk.
SANDRA: Anybody write about it in the paper?
RORY: No. Good point.
SANDRA: I've been dancing three hours a day, seven days a week for fourteen years. I've done two summer sessions with the Miami ballet, and I'm on the waiting list at Juilliard, and now your review is out there for everyone to see!
RORY: Look, I -
SANDRA: You're a jerk! I just wanted to come tell you that to your face! You're a jerk, and I hope you die! Bye, jerk. Die, jerk. [leaves]
PARIS: The door thing was about you?
RORY: Apparently.
PARIS: [on cell phone] The strike is off. Stand down. I repeat, stand down.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings. Emily and the maid answer the door]
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
EMILY: Come in, come in.
LORELAI: Ooh, you look tenser than usual. What's wrong?
EMILY: Oh, it's your father. I wanted him to go upstairs and clean up, but I can't pry him away from that partner of his.
LORELAI: Hm. Digger's here?
EMILY: They're in the study doing something computery. When did we suddenly become so dependent on computers?
[Richard and Jason walk out of the study]
EMILY: Finally.
RICHARD: Now how far can I go, Jason?
JASON: Uh, as far as you want. It should work anywhere.
RICHARD: Ah, fantastic.
EMILY: Richard, our company's here.
RICHARD: We have company?
LORELAI: Oh, actually, it's just me.
RICHARD: Oh, well, I suppose you're company. Say, are you and Rory wireless?
LORELAI: Oh, no, we're pretty wired most of the time.
EMILY: Why are you carrying that?
RICHARD: We're testing it. Jason here has just helped me hook up a wireless network for the house. Wi-Fi, it's called.
LORELAI: Oh, neat.
EMILY: Is that necessary? Oh, Lorelai, this is Jason Stiles.
JASON: We've met.
EMILY: Really?
RICHARD: Emily, they knew each other as kids. You knew that.
EMILY: Oh, that's right.
JASON: Great to see you again.
LORELAI: Oh, same here.
RICHARD: Look at this! I'm walking around, and I'm still on the internet. Emily, I'm going to google you.
EMILY: You are certainly not going to google me!
JASON: It's a search engine, Emily. He's just gonna find you out in cyberspace.
EMILY: This sounds absurd.
RICHARD: Nah, can't use a laptop here, Jason. The signal doesn't reach.
EMILY: When do you plan to use it in the dark corner by the staircase, Richard?
RICHARD: Well, you never know.
EMILY: I don't like the idea of your using it anywhere but your study.
RICHARD: I'm just testing it!
LORELAI: They're always fighting over toys, these two.
RICHARD: [walks onto the back patio] It's crystal clear out here.
EMILY: Richard, it's freezing outside!
RICHARD: I won't be a minute.
EMILY: Ridiculous. I have to go check on dinner. Excuse me. [leaves]
LORELAI: So, um, how have you been these past twenty-five years?
JASON: Good. Hey, moved out of my parents' house.
LORELAI: Rad.
JASON: Love the freedom.
LORELAI: Well, you don't have to hide the bong anymore.
JASON: Hey, did you get any flowers lately?
LORELAI: Uh, several times. Apparently, I have a secret admirer.
JASON: I signed all the cards "Jason."
LORELAI: I thought it was Jason Priestley.
JASON: You're disappointed.
LORELAI: No, I just wish I hadn't slept with Jason Priestley.
JASON: How's the new inn?
LORELAI: Coming along. Uh, we're gonna have horses.
JASON: Talking horses?
LORELAI: No, just the regular ones.
JASON: We could get married there.
LORELAI: Where?
JASON: The inn, on horseback.
LORELAI: Oh. So, you unwired my father, huh?
JASON: Per Richard's request. He wanted it.
LORELAI: Emily doesn't.
JASON: I cannot win with her.
LORELAI: You're getting the triple freeze from her. It's nice. Takes the onus off her daughter.
JASON: But the more she hates me, the more likely it is that you will go out with me.
LORELAI: That's not necessarily the case.
JASON: Good, because I gotta make some serious progress with her.
LORELAI: Good luck with that.
JASON: Maybe I should get her to invite me to dinner.
LORELAI: Ha!
JASON: Hey.
LORELAI: I'm sorry. As if you control these things.
JASON: Well, I'm not God, but I have influence.
LORELAI: No way is she inviting you to dinner.
JASON: Would you have a problem with me staying for dinner?
LORELAI: No. You won't stay because you won't be invited.
JASON: I will.
LORELAI: Let's see it.
[Rory enters the house]
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Hi, hon. Jason, this is my daughter, Rory. Rory, Jason.
RORY: Right, Scooper.
LORELAI: Digger.
RORY: Sorry. Digger.
JASON: It's nice to meet you. And I don't really go by Digger anymore.
LORELAI: What is it, P. Digger now?
RORY: I'll just call you Jason.
JASON: You're a very kind young lady.
RICHARD: Oh, dear. Jason, I just h*t F12, and everything's going to hell.
JASON: Easily fixed. [walks away]
LORELAI: Hey. How are things?
RORY: Surreal - on a whole new level of surreal.
LORELAI: What happened?
RORY: I was harangued by an incensed ballerina.
LORELAI: That is Salvador Dali surreal. What ballerina?
RORY: From the ballet we went to - the one I wrote about. This girl marched up to me in the dining hall and busted me on the bad review I gave her.
LORELAI: Uh, wait a second. Are people allowed to do that, yell at the reviewer?
RORY: I frown on it. I mean, it's upsetting and ridiculous. I'll probably laugh at it someday, but not today.
LORELAI: What did you write?
RORY: Well, I brought it for you to read. Tell me what you think because my picky editor loved it. I mean, loved it.
LORELAI: Sure, sure. This is very weird.
RORY: Very read.
[Lorelai starts to read the article]
LORELAI: Whoa.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Well, you really hated this ballet.
RORY: Well, we both really hated it. Remember?
LORELAI: Yeah, I do. Jeez.
RORY: Oh, now, come on.
LORELAI: Well, this is just so harsh.
RORY: Again, you were there.
LORELAI: I know, but there's something about seeing it in print. People don't write as mean as they talk, except you.
RORY: I wrote what I felt.
LORELAI: "The roll around the bra strap"?
RORY: That was your line!
LORELAI: It was? I'm awful.
RORY: And it's not even critical of the ballerina's skills. It's critical of the costumer's skills.
LORELAI: I know, but it sounds like she couldn't fit into a standard leotard.
RORY: She couldn't! But again, the costumer should have put her in a larger leotard.
LORELAI: Do I see the word "hippo" coming up?
RORY: Give me the paper.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, it's just so specific.
RORY: It's what I saw, so I wrote it. That's what the editor told me to do.
LORELAI: Well, then you did the right thing.
RORY: I was too harsh.
LORELAI: You said yourself, you were supposed to be.
[Emily walks into the room]
EMILY: Rory, you're here. Good.
RORY: Hi, Grandma.
EMILY: Don't tell me Richard's still traipsing around with that thing. Richard, please come inside and close the door.
RICHARD: Coming, coming.
[Richard and Jason walk in]
EMILY: Oh, Jason, you're still here.
JASON: Oh, I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to you, Emily.
RORY: Whatcha got there, Grandpa?
RICHARD: A laptop. The Gilmore house is now wireless.
RORY: Cool.
EMILY: And the laptop is now going back in its case because dinner is ready.
JASON: I'll be taking off everybody. I've got a cheeseburger waiting for me.
EMILY: Goodbye, Jason.
RICHARD: A cheeseburger? That's not a proper meal.
JASON: Oh, please, Richard, it's my favorite meal. I've had one for dinner three times this week.
RICHARD: Oh, you're joking.
EMILY: With the right bread and meat, a cheeseburger can make a fine meal.
JASON: Thank you, Emily.
RICHARD: You're defending cheeseburgers, Emily? When was the last time you had one?
JASON: This isn't just any cheeseburger, Richard. There's this stand that makes them special for me.
RICHARD: A stand?
EMILY: I hear those can be very good.
RICHARD: Emily, are we going to send this young bachelor out for fast food?
JASON: Oh, no, no, I couldn't stay. I'd be putting you out.
RICHARD: Nonsense.
EMILY: I'm not sure we have enough.
RICHARD: We always have enough.
JASON: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I wouldn't hear of it.
RICHARD: Emily, my business partner is going to be standing outside eating a cheeseburger.
EMILY: Jason, would you like to join us for dinner?
JASON: The cheeseburger will just have to wait.
EMILY: I'll tell the cook.
RICHARD: Cheeseburger.
CUT TO THE DINING ROOM
[Richard, Emily, Lorelai, Rory, and Jason are eating dinner]
JASON: This food is incredible.
RORY: Yeah. It's my first lobster thermidor.
JASON: Your recipe?
EMILY: No.
LORELAI: Hey, can you thermidor other foods? You know, fish thermidor, uh, Spam thermidor, enchiladas thermidor?
EMILY: I don't think so. Cora, since we're five instead of four, Richard and I will ration if we have to.
RICHARD: Oh, I don't think rationing will be necessary, Emily.
LORELAI: Yeah, Mom, you can just pick off my plate.
RICHARD: You've forgotten all about that burger, I hope.
JASON: After the first mouthful.
RICHARD: Good.
JASON: You know, Richard, having a computer at home with a high-speed internet access is gonna free up your time enormously.
RICHARD: Oh, I should say so.
EMILY: How?
JASON: How is it gonna free up his time?
EMILY: Yes.
JASON: Well, he'll be using email more, which means fewer phone calls with chitchat that you have to get through before you get down to business. That's what eats up most of the time.
EMILY: Email seems very cold to me.
JASON: But fast.
EMILY: Fast isn't always better.
JASON: A good point and very true.
RICHARD: Oh, Jason was saying that you'll get use out of this system, too, Emily.
EMILY: Me? How?
JASON: The internet. Have you checked it out?
EMILY: I'd have no use for it.
LORELAI: I wouldn't dismiss it so fast, Mom. The internet is more than just good p*rn now.
RORY: Yeah, I'm on it constantly.
EMILY: What do you use it for?
RORY: Research like for when I can't get to the library.
LORELAI: And for shopping.
RORY: Yeah, shopping.
LORELAI: A lot of shopping.
EMILY: Shopping?
LORELAI: Yeah, the stores you normally have to go to, they're on the internet now.
EMILY: But going to a nice store is half the fun of shopping. I like being greeted at the door and the bustle of people and the shoes and clothes all lined up nice and pretty.
LORELAI: That's true.
RORY: Yeah, we like that, too.
EMILY: Having someone help you pick out the right thing or help you exchange it if it's not right. With the internet, what do you do? Mail it back?
LORELAI: We usually just forget.
RORY: Yeah.
EMILY: So you're just out the money?
RORY: Pretty much.
EMILY: I don't get it.
LORELAI: I don't get it anymore either.
RORY: We should go to real stores more often.
JASON: But the internet is really good.
RICHARD: So, which camp was it where you two met?
LORELAI: Hm, it had a funny name and canoes.
JASON: They all have funny names and canoes. Was it Camp Waziata?
LORELAI: Doesn't sound familiar. Which one asked me to leave?
RORY: You got kicked out of camp?
LORELAI: I tried to liberate the horses.
JASON: Camp Chataguay. That's where we met.
LORELAI: That's the one.
JASON: I enjoyed camp. I made some good friends. I met your father at that camp.
RORY: Dad, really?
JASON: We bunked together for a summer. Incredible athlete and a good guy - a really good guy.
LORELAI: He hated you.
JASON: What?
LORELAI: With a passion.
JASON: No, I don't remember that.
LORELAI: I'm pretty sure. Didn't he try to dunk your head in a toilet bowl after you heckled him during some campfire talent show?
JASON: No, I don't. . .oh, my God, I've been repressing that!
RICHARD: Oh, that doesn't sound like Christopher.
JASON: No, it's okay, Richard. I'm positive I deserved it.
EMILY: Rory, I've been meaning to mention to you, we read that wonderful review you wrote on the ballet. It was excellent.
RICHARD: Oh-ho-ho-ho, you eviscerated that girl.
RORY: I actually didn't mean to eviscerate her. I was just trying to be honest.
RICHARD: Well, you honestly sliced her open and ripped out her guts.
EMILY: Your pen was your Kn*fe.
RORY: Right.
RICHARD: I especially liked the reference to the hippo.
RORY: That seems to be the most memorable for people.
EMILY: And the bra strap.
RICHARD: I should give you a copy of it to read, Jason. It's terrific.
JASON: It sounds interesting.
RORY: I just wrote what I thought.
EMILY: And the line about regretting how evolution had led man to stand on two feet because it led to this night.
LORELAI: [laughs] Sorry. I hadn't read that far.
EMILY: Why are you apologizing? It is funny.
LORELAI: Well, the ballerina in question had kind of a negative reaction to the whole thing.
EMILY: So what?
RICHARD: Well, yes, don't feel badly about this, Rory. Sometimes people don't know at a young age that they're not good at doing something. Now that poor girl can go to business school.
RORY: She's actually not as bad as she sounds.
RICHARD: It's rare to read a truthful review.
EMILY: I was going to go see that ballet, and now I don't have to. Thank you.
RORY: You're welcome, I guess.
RICHARD: We were just b*rned by a dishonest review in the Courant.
EMILY: That French restaurant.
RICHARD: They must have had the reviewer in their pocket. The man raved about this place, and it was abominable.
EMILY: The food was inedible. And the service - I had to snap my fingers to get our waiter's attention.
JASON: You know, Emily, as a woman of taste, I could use your recommendation of restaurants in the area. I've been away so long, I'm just woefully out of touch.
EMILY: Oh, I'm no more an expert than the next person.
JASON: You're being humble.
LORELAI: Yeah, Mom, cough it up. You've been everywhere.
RICHARD: Multiple times.
EMILY: Well, I guess if you're looking for a place for a business lunch, you can't do better than Portofino's. They give you attentive service without rushing you, and it's wonderful Italian food.
JASON: Well, you can't b*at Italian. I mean, is there anyone here who doesn't love Italian?
RORY: Not me.
LORELAI: Or me.
JASON: Good to know. Anything else, Emily?
EMILY: You need more?
JASON: Please. I'm a desperate man.
RICHARD: Well, don't be shy, Emily. You're a walking Zagat guide.
EMILY: Well, there's always Lil's for steak.
JASON: Steak's always good. I'm good with that any time.
LORELAI: I love steak.
JASON: Really? So steak is good. How about ethnic food? Indian? Thai?
EMILY: I personally detest Thai food.
LORELAI: Me, too. Chinese is good.
RICHARD: As long as it's authentic.
JASON: So cross Thai off the list.
LORELAI: I would.
EMILY: Same here.
JASON: How about something with a more romantic atmosphere?
EMILY: Why would you need a romantic atmosphere for business?
LORELAI: Yeah, why?
RICHARD: I'd like to know myself.
JASON: A client might want a recommendation for him and his wife, and I would like to be prepared.
RICHARD: My partner.
EMILY: That would be Mill on the River.
RICHARD: Oh, yes. Very dark, very atmospheric.
JASON: Sounds nice.
LORELAI: Very.
JASON: Good, we've made progress here, but I'm monopolizing the conversation.
EMILY: Oh, that's okay.
JASON: Can I call you later to continue this?
EMILY: Absolutely. Call me sometime next week.
JASON: I'll be sure to do that.
CUT TO YALE NEWSPAPER OFFICE
[Rory follows Doyle into the office]
DOYLE: You want to re-review the ballet?
RORY: Yes, I do, Doyle, because I have a brand-new perspective on it and on dance. I was ignorant before, so this would be a whole new piece.
DOYLE: We don't re-review things.
RORY: Well, there's a first time for everything, and I could even buy my own ticket if that's a problem.
DOYLE: But it closed early because of your review.
RORY: I did not know that. But it's not a problem. I'll just redo the one I already did. That ballet is seared in there, so I could just replay it in my head.
DOYLE: But your review was great. People are still talking about it. That's pretty rare.
RORY: Okay, okay. Well, what about just a general-interest article on the lead ballerina?
DOYLE: Is she the hippo?
RORY: No. No. She is an accomplished dancer and her life is quite fascinating. Did you know that she studied dance for fourteen years and has performed in Miami? Miami - that's pretty big. Miami.
DOYLE: It's boring.
RORY: Well, she almost got into Juilliard.
DOYLE: That's not interesting either.
RORY: Well, no, but these are simply background facts of a fascinating personal journey. A personal journey of an artist struggling against the indifference of an indifferent society, just dancing as fast as she can. Well, it's "8 Mile" meets "Fame."
DOYLE: I know what's going on here.
RORY: What?
DOYLE: You're feeling bad about the effect your article had on the people in the ballet.
RORY: No, that's not it.
DOYLE: We heard about the dining-hall confrontation.
RORY: That was not really a confrontation. We were just chatting.
DOYLE: It goes with the territory. When I was your age, I reviewed a clog-dancing team that was really bad. I mean, even compared to other clog dancers. I was merciless.
RORY: But - but if I can't re-review it, then can I just print the things that I meant to put in and didn't have time to?
DOYLE: Hurting people's feelings is what we do.
RORY: But when I become a real journalist, the people in my reviews aren't gonna live in my building.
DOYLE: Doesn't matter. When you write for the Yale Daily News, you are a real journalist.
RORY: I didn't mean -
DOYLE: And if you can't handle it, you should leave the paper.
RORY: I don't want to leave the paper.
DOYLE: Good. Here. Your next assignment.
RORY: Thanks.
DOYLE: Knock 'em d*ad.
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Mrs. Kim is making dinner when Lane carries a box into the kitchen]
MRS. KIM: Dinner is going to be a little late tonight. My gluten patties caught f*re, so we're switching to spaghetti and wheat balls.
LANE: Mama, can we talk about something?
MRS. KIM: What's that?
LANE: It's the jug for Dave.
MRS. KIM: I gave that to you days ago. Why haven't you sent it?
LANE: I can't send it, Mama.
MRS. KIM: What do you mean you can't? Of course you can. I showed you how to tape the bubble wrap.
LANE: No, I mean, I can't!
MRS. KIM: What is wrong with you?
LANE: Mama, please listen.
MRS. KIM: All right.
LANE: This is important, and I want to be clear, and I want to say it right, but it's hard.
MRS. KIM: I'm listening.
LANE: Dave is my first boyfriend, and he's important to me - very important.
MRS. KIM: I know that.
LANE: And his being in California like this, it's been hard, and it's even caused some problems. But in other ways, I think it's brought us closer.
MRS. KIM: Yes?
LANE: But I'm still in school and he's still in school, and while I respect you and I respect the jug and all that the jug represents - all the bright hopes and all the tradition - I cannot give Dave the jug. Not now. Maybe one day, but not now.
MRS. KIM: Okay.
LANE: What are you doing?
MRS. KIM: What do you mean?
LANE: You're putting it with all the clearance items?
MRS. KIM: So?
LANE: You're selling my marriage jug?
MRS. KIM: Your what?
LANE: My marriage jug.
MRS. KIM: What's that?
LANE: The jug you kept to give to the boy I'm going to marry.
MRS. KIM: What are you talking about?
LANE: You told me when I was like six that this was my special marriage jug that you were gonna keep on a special high shelf for the boy I'm going to marry.
MRS. KIM: This thing?
LANE: Yes.
MRS. KIM: It's just a jug.
LANE: What?
MRS. KIM: I probably told you that to make you stop crying. You always cried when you were little. Gave me a headache.
LANE: It's just a jug?
MRS. KIM: I've got tons of them. They're hard to move.
LANE: But -
MRS. KIM: We could make it a marriage jug, whatever that is.
LANE: No, no, never mind. It doesn't matter.
MRS. KIM: I'll send something else to Dave.
LANE: Good.
MRS. KIM: Oh! My wheat balls!
CUT TO YALE THEATER
[Rory walks in talking on her cell phone]
RORY: So, why can't you show your face at Luke's?
LORELAI: It's just for a while. Hey, where are you?
RORY: The theater. That's why I'm talking softly. I'm reviewing some music thing. So, now, why can't you go to Luke's?
LORELAI: I got into an argument with Luke about Nicole.
RORY: Nicole?
LORELAI: They're back together. I didn't know that. I walk into Luke's and there she is.
RORY: And he hadn't told you?
LORELAI: No, and I was the very picture of awkwardness, and basically, I just fled. And when I saw Luke later, we got into a fight about it, and I told him his coffee pots were stupid.
RORY: So it was very sophisticated.
LORELAI: He is so guarded, so uncooperative.
RORY: You know, you should probably get over your problem with Luke being uncooperative.
LORELAI: Well, I don't want there to be weirdness between me and Nicole if she's back in our lives. I mean, Luke has gotta get it through his thick skull that whoever is in his life is in my life, too.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: That's not a little stalkery?
LORELAI: No. We are a small, close-knit community.
RORY: So, you're gonna tell Luke about Jason?
LORELAI: What about him?
RORY: Well, there's something happening there.
LORELAI: Not really.
RORY: There was a palpable vibe.
LORELAI: Palpable to everyone?
RORY: Just me. Grandma and Grandpa were oblivious.
LORELAI: Hey, would that be crazy?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: For us to go out together?
RORY: All three of us?
LORELAI: Jason and I.
RORY: A little.
LORELAI: Well, yeah, I haven't decided.
RORY: Well, I'm happy to report that there have been no more run-ins with the ballerina.
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: We're not destined to be buddies anytime soon, but sometimes you have to make an enemy.
LORELAI: When you have a job to do. . .
RORY: Then you have a job to do. It's starting, I gotta go.
LORELAI: Okay. Have fun.
RORY: I will.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x08 - Die Jerk"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Jamie Babbit
transcript by Stacy with assistance by Canopus
OPEN ON THE SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Rory are walking toward Luke's Diner]
LORELAI: "Twenty-three is old. It's almost twenty-five, which is, like, almost mid-twenties."
RORY: She did not say that.
LORELAI: She did say that.
RORY: It seems a little wrong that Jessica Simpson is alive and well and Roy got eaten by his tiger.
LORELAI: Aw. Survival of the fittest, baby.
[They walk into the diner]
LORELAI: Oh, man, this place is packed.
RORY: Damn that Zagat guide.
LORELAI: Only the loser mini-table is open.
RORY: What do we do?
LORELAI: Time to hover. You take the old couple, I'll h*t the cybergeek.
RORY: Got it. [walks over to an older couple eating] Hello.
LORELAI: [walks over to a guy working on a laptop] Hello.
[A few minutes later, they slide two tables together and sit down]
LORELAI: That was some of the best hovering I've ever seen you do.
RORY: I was taught by the best.
LORELAI: But the focus - you never blinked. And the sneeze - so tiny, so dainty, so terrifying to the old.
RORY: Luke's gonna be mad. I mean, he hates it when we commandeer two tables during rush hour.
LORELAI: Oh, he only hated it that one time.
RORY: What time?
LORELAI: The time when we did it and he was mad.
RORY: He's hated it every time we've done it.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: No, only the one time.
RORY: Which time?
LORELAI: The time we did it and he was mad.
RORY: You're gonna do this to Luke, aren't you?
LORELAI: 'Til he's so dizzy he throws up.
RORY: Nice. Calendars?
LORELAI: Let's do it. Okay, so, uh, your finals-induced hibernation period is setting in. . .
RORY: Monday.
LORELAI: Okay. So how about, uh, Sunday we have a major Sephora fix, maybe a movie - sort of a see-ya day before you go bye-bye?
RORY: Throw in a pedicure and you got a deal.
LORELAI: Done.
[Luke walks over]
LUKE: Hey. Coffee's gonna be ready in a sec. You know what you want?
LORELAI: Oh, um, well, we need napkins to cover this big, wide, expansive table.
LUKE: Okay. Uh, hey, are you in the mood for pancakes?
LORELAI: Pancakes, sure, yeah. I guess we have enough space for pancakes.
LUKE: 'Cause I'm making pumpkin pancakes and it comes with homemade cinnamon butter.
RORY: You made cinnamon butter?
LUKE: This morning.
LORELAI: Wow. I bet the other people who would love a table right now but can't have one 'cause they're all taken would love pumpkin pancakes with homemade cinnamon butter.
LUKE: I'll get your coffee.
LORELAI: Hey, hold on.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: We're sitting at two tables.
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: You hate that. That makes you mad.
LUKE: Only the one time.
LORELAI: Why are you so sunny this morning?
LUKE: Well, actually, I finally hired some help.
RORY: Oh, good for you.
LUKE: Yeah, I figured I needed the help. What the hell, get a kid in here to pick up the slack, ya know? I kind of feel like a weight's been lifted, ya know?
LORELAI: Sounds very sensible.
LUKE: Let me get your food going. [walks away]
RORY: Okay, so, talk to me.
LORELAI: Talk to you about what?
RORY: Talk to me about Jason.
LORELAI: There's nothing to talk about.
RORY: Oh, come on. I'm in a serious romantic dry spell. I need to live vicariously through somebody.
LORELAI: He has called.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: He has sent things.
RORY: Pipe b*mb?
LORELAI: Flowers, candy.
RORY: Even better.
LORELAI: But I don't know, he's my father's partner, I've known him forever. I mean, can you imagine if I actually went out with someone from my 'hood?
RORY: Do you like him?
LORELAI: Well, he's completely not my type, but he does have a thing and the smarts and he does keep up.
RORY: Maybe you should just go out with him and see what happens.
LORELAI: No. Dad would flip and Mom hates him, so she would see it as some sort of personal att*ck and I'm just getting her off me for spilling wine on the carpet.
RORY: When did you do that?
LORELAI: Ninth grade.
RORY: Huh.
LORELAI: Things are quiet now. I just wanna keep them quiet.
[A bell dings]
LUKE: [calls] Hey, Brennon, pick up.
RORY: Oh, my God.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: He hired Brennon Lewis.
LORELAI: You know him?
RORY: I went to junior high with him.
LORELAI: And?
RORY: Ew!
LORELAI: He doesn't look that bad.
RORY: He's the boy who dissected a frog, did not wash his hands, and then ate a sandwich.
LORELAI: Ew!
RORY: He's like the lost Farrelly brother. He's so stupid. He watched "The Breakfast Club" and decided to tape his own butt cheeks together.
LORELAI: Okay, so Mensa's not sending him a t-shirt yet, but Luke has hired him so we have to give him a chance.
[Brennon brings their plates to the table]
BRENNON: You have the pancakes?
LORELAI: We sure do.
RORY: Hi, Brennon.
BRENNON: Hey.
RORY: Rory Gilmore. Um, we went to school together.
BRENNON: Yeah?
RORY: You don't remember. Biology - the frog?
BRENNON: There have been a lot of frogs, man.
RORY: Okay. Thanks for the food.
BRENNON: Yep. [walks away]
LORELAI: Your kids will be gorgeous.
[opening credits]
CUT TO YALE CAFETERIA
[Rory, Paris, and Richard are eating at a table]
RICHARD: This roommate of mine in h*m* year - we absolutely hated him. He was, in addition to being a complete nincompoop, rather a chubby lad. So one night, we tied him in between two mattresses and threw him out the window.
RORY: What?
PARIS: I'm writing that one down.
RORY: Was he okay?
RICHARD: Oh, he was fine. He went to sleep. He woke up in the morning and picked up right where he left off.
RORY: Man.
RICHARD: We wound up throwing him out the window every night for a month, and then he transferred.
RORY: Well, do you think you guys tossing him out the window on a regular basis had something to do with that decision?
RICHARD: Well, it crossed our minds, yes. However, we were young and full of energy. Every day was an adventure. No challenge was too great. We wanted to change the world.
PARIS: This is so great. Richard, I want to thank you for inviting me to lunch.
RICHARD: Well, you're very welcome, Paris. How often does a man like me get the chance to entertain two such lovely and intelligent young ladies?
PARIS: You are a honey-tongued devil, aren't you, Dick?
RICHARD: So, tell me, what are your plans for the game?
RORY: The what?
RICHARD: The game. The Harvard-Yale game.
PARIS: I'm going. I already have my ticket. I bought it a month ago.
RORY: You did?
PARIS: It's the game, Rory. It's a memory - a college memory, and I intend on having as many college memories as possible.
RICHARD: Your grandmother and I have attended every one of these games for the past 32 years. We always buy a block of seats, and we got one for you. So how about it? We'd love to take you.
RORY: And I would love to go.
RICHARD: Good. It'll be a wonderful day.
PARIS: It will be a day to remember.
[A man stops at their table]
ASHER: Richard?
RICHARD: Asher! Oh, look at you!
ASHER: Good to see you.
RICHARD: Good to see you.
PARIS: [quietly to Rory] Your grandfather knows Asher Fleming? That's amazing. I read his latest book four times. He was on Charlie Rose last week and he almost kept me awake.
RORY: Well, I didn't know he knew him.
PARIS: I wonder if I can get an interview with him for the paper.
RORY: What if I want an interview with him for the paper?
PARIS: What?
RORY: Well, he's my grandfather.
PARIS: You're stealing my interview.
RORY: No, I'm just making you crazy.
PARIS: Like that's hard. Feel proud.
RICHARD: Girls, I'd like to introduce you to a former classmate of mine - Asher Fleming. Asher, this is my granddaughter, Rory.
RORY: Hello.
ASHER: A pleasure to meet you.
RICHARD: And her friend, Paris Geller.
ASHER: Paris.
PARIS: I saw you on Charlie Rose. You were good.
ASHER: Thank you.
PARIS: Not too self-important, you made your point, and managed to look remotely interested when Charlie babbled on pretentiously about nothing.
ASHER: Well, Charlie Rose is a good friend of mine.
PARIS: Whatever. Listen, professor, I'd love to do a profile on you for the paper. Nothing puffy. Straight-up, hard-hitting, uncensored. Your views, no slant. Tomorrow work for you?
ASHER: Well, I'll, uh, have to check my schedule. I do teach, you know.
PARIS: Sure, you gotta pay the bills.
ASHER: Richard, terrific to see you again. Let's have lunch next week.
RICHARD: Consider it a date.
ASHER: Splendid.
RICHARD: Right.
ASHER: Goodbye, ladies. [walks away]
PARIS: I'm a fan! I could've opened with that, couldn't I have?
RORY: Then you wouldn't be you.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks in and checks the answering machine]
JASON: [on answering machine] Okay, see, a better man, a smarter man, a different man, would take into account the fact that flowers, candy, and numerous phone calls have gone completely unnoticed by you. Those men would get a clue, have some pride, grow a pair, and move on. Oh, well. Lorelai Gilmore, daughter of Richard and Emily, mother of Rory, and friend to all, would you join me for dinner on Saturday night? Please call me back because I will someday find my pathetic threshold and stop trying.
[Lorelai picks up the phone and calls Jason]
JASON: This is Jason.
LORELAI: This is Lorelai.
JASON: You're kidding.
LORELAI: No, I'm not.
JASON: You're really calling me back?
LORELAI: Yes, I am.
JASON: Is there someone there who could document this - a photographer or a really fast painter?
LORELAI: See, you get the girl to call you back and then you give her a hard time.
JASON: You're right, I apologize. So, how are you?
LORELAI: I'm fine, and you?
JASON: Uh, I don't know. I've got a slight suspicion you've called to tell me you're not available for dinner on Saturday night, and that's gonna bum me out.
LORELAI: Look, Jason -
JASON: Okay, before you continue, just let me say that I got us reservations at the China Garden.
LORELAI: Ah, you're kidding.
JASON: Very hot ticket in town. Good food, great bar, quite a scene.
LORELAI: How did you do that?
JASON: Pulled a few strings, greased a few palms, sold myself to a sous-chef - a very tender man, I might add.
LORELAI: I just want you to be happy.
JASON: So, long story short - table for two at 8:30. You need a little black dress.
LORELAI: I am so incredibly tempted.
JASON: But?
LORELAI: But you work with my father. You're hated by my mother. You come from my world.
JASON: You find me repulsive.
LORELAI: No, I don't, and I wish I did.
JASON: Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna keep the reservation and go by myself. I've been reading about this place for months, and personally, I would like to see what all the fuss is about.
LORELAI: Do you understand at all where I'm coming from?
JASON: Nope, but that's okay.
LORELAI: Well, I'm sorry, Jason.
JASON: Me, too. I bet you look good in one of those little black dresses.
LORELAI: Well, yes, I do.
JASON: Goodbye, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Bye, Jason.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, Emily, and Richard are eating dinner]
EMILY: It's ten o'clock at night and suddenly I hear this terrible racket. So I go outside and there is May Richmond sneaking a 6-foot Rudolph into her garage.
RICHARD: That woman is working my last nerve.
LORELAI: So what?
RICHARD: So what? Don't you know what this means?
LORELAI: I'm racking my brain.
EMILY: They're going to put a giant plastic reindeer on their roof.
RICHARD: Which is right next to our roof.
LORELAI: So, what, are you scared they'll keep you up all night playing reindeer games?
RICHARD: They can't light them up. The homeowners association has very strict rules about the amount of lights that you can display in front of your house, and they already have those lawn twinklers.
EMILY: They could give up their lawn twinklers and focus solely on the reindeer.
RICHARD: I don't know. They were awfully proud of their twinklers last year. It was all they talked about.
LORELAI: Okay, guys - take a step back, examine the conversation you're having, and spend some time apart.
RORY: May I have some more roast, please, Grandma?
EMILY: Of course you may.
LORELAI: It's really good tonight, Mom.
EMILY: Thank you, Lorelai.
RICHARD: Oh, by the way, Rory, we will pick you up in front of your residence hall tomorrow morning, nine o'clock sharp.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Tomorrow? What's happening tomorrow?
EMILY: Tomorrow's the game.
LORELAI: Oh, the game. . .
RICHARD: The game. The Harvard-Yale game.
LORELAI: Right, right. Football?
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Why does the question "Football?" get a "Lorelai"?
RICHARD: Yes, it's football - the most important football game of the entire year. All of Yale will be there.
LORELAI: Oh, cool. Can I go?
RICHARD: You want to go to a football game?
LORELAI: Well, if it's such a big deal, absolutely.
EMILY: But you don't like football.
LORELAI: Well, no, I'm not the diehard fan that, say, you are, Mom, but it's Rory's school.
RICHARD: You won't get bored?
LORELAI: Yeah, of course I'll get bored, but that's when the "South Park" impressions kick in.
EMILY: Lorelai, we have invited friends - important people.
LORELAI: I'm kidding, Mom. I can only do Cartman.
RICHARD: So, you want to go?
LORELAI: Yup.
EMILY: You're sure about this?
LORELAI: Absolutely positive.
RICHARD: Well, I guess we could uninvite someone.
EMILY: Cecil, perhaps.
RICHARD: Or Donlon.
EMILY: Donlon just had his colon removed.
RICHARD: Well, Cecil then. I guess I should call him now, give him time to get another ticket.
EMILY: I'll call his wife.
LORELAI: Thanks.
[Emily and Richard leave the room]
RORY: What is wrong with you?
LORELAI: What is wrong with you? Why didn't you get me a ticket to the game?
RORY: I was saving you, dummy.
LORELAI: Saving me from what?
RORY: You hate football.
LORELAI: So do you.
RORY: Yeah, I know I hate football, but I couldn't get out of it. You could.
LORELAI: Okay, so I have to go watch a football game. At least I get to hang with you before finals.
RORY: You sure?
LORELAI: Of course. I mean, what's a football game last? Hour, hour and a half? Longer than an hour and a half? Are you kidding me?
RICHARD: Damn it. Emily, Cecil's the one who had his colon removed. I'm calling Donlon.
LORELAI: Ugh.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table]
LORELAI: I hate football.
RORY: I tried to get you out of it.
LORELAI: Well, you should have tried harder.
RORY: Next time. Where's Luke?
LORELAI: Probably in bed where the rest of the world is on a Saturday. Did I put on underwear?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I think I forgot to put on underwear. Can you check? [pause] Did I just ask you to check if I put on underwear?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: I hate football.
RORY: You just need coffee.
LORELAI: Oh, no.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Froggy.
RORY: Brennon?
LORELAI: I hate that kid.
RORY: I thought we were gonna give him a chance.
LORELAI: Yeah, chance ended when he dumped a chili-bean omelet on me the other day.
RORY: What do we do? Oh, he's coming over.
[Brennon walks over]
BRENNON: What can I do for you, chicas?
RORY: Oh, we'd just like to order, please.
BRENNON: Go ahead.
LORELAI: I'll have the cheese omelet, extra cheddar, no Jack, sourdough toast, two bacons, two sausages. . .you're not writing this down.
BRENNON: Don't need to. Continue.
LORELAI: Two bacons, two sausages, one pancake. . .I would really like you to write this down.
BRENNON: Trust me, it's all stored. What would you like?
RORY: Rye toast.
BRENNON: You want that toasted?
RORY: Sure, why not?
BRENNON: Got it. [leaves]
LORELAI: Rye toast?
RORY: My odds are way better than yours.
LANE: Brennon!
BRENNON: Oh, nice volume.
LANE: This is a box of doughnuts.
BRENNON: Yeah?
LANE: It's supposed to be a box of bagels.
BRENNON: What, they both have holes in them, right?
LANE: We've already had this conversation. Get me the bagels, get me the bagels! Go. Now. Bye.
KIRK: Excuse me, can I get a napkin?
BRENNON: Yeah, sure. [pulls one from his pocket and drops it on the table]
KIRK: Excuse me, can I get a napkin to put my napkin on?
LANE: You know, this is so completely unfair. I didn't even know Luke was looking for someone. I would love to work here.
RORY: Your mother would have let you?
LORELAI: I mean, Luke is a man. With man parts, we think.
LANE: Luke's is one of the few Mrs. Kim-approved places. No alcohol, walking distance to the church, and you can see my house from here. I totally need the money, and instead I get to return a box of doughnuts once a day.
[Brennon brings a plate to the table]
BRENNON: Rye toast.
RORY: Told ya.
BRENNON: You wanted, uh, something, right?
LORELAI: Oh, excuse me just a second, won't you?
BRENNON: Sure.
[Lorelai walks over to Luke at the counter]
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: Uh, we're going to the Harvard-Yale game.
LUKE: You're going to the Harvard-Yale game? You know what they do at the Harvard-Yale game?
LORELAI: They make babies?
LUKE: They play football.
LORELAI: Yes, I know they pay football.
LUKE: And you're supposed to watch them play football.
LORELAI: Let's not talk about me anymore. Let's talk about you. I'm worried.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Ever since you hired Brennon, the little spark has gone out of your eyes.
LUKE: It has?
LORELAI: Yes, it has. And I am here to tell you that it is hell watching you go through this, so I think for your own sake, you should f*re Froggy.
LUKE: Froggy?
LORELAI: Uh, Brennon.
LUKE: You want me to f*re Brennon, why?
LORELAI: The spark. Remember the spark?
LUKE: Why do you want me to f*re Brennon?
LORELAI: Come back, little spark, come back.
LUKE: Lorelai.
LORELAI: He doesn't write the orders down, he never brings you food that's hot or yours, he can't distinguish bagels from doughnuts, he hands out butt napkins, and he has worn that Foreigner t-shirt every single day since he started working here and he doesn't know who they are. I asked him.
LUKE: What are butt napkins?
LORELAI: Kirk needed a napkin, and he pulled one out of his back pocket.
LUKE: Hey, Bren?
BRENNON: Yeah, boss?
LUKE: Did you give Kirk a napkin out of your back pocket?
BRENNON: Yeah.
LUKE: Don't.
BRENNON: Okay.
LORELAI: That's it? What about all the other stuff?
LUKE: Look, you're just used to me. Give him time.
LORELAI: Have you heard about the frog, the hands, and the sandwich?
LUKE: No, but I heard about the rabbi, the priest, and the duck.
LORELAI: You're not taking me seriously.
LUKE: Hey, Bren, get Ms. Gilmore a cup of hot coffee, will ya? Give the kid a chance, all right? He's helping me out a great deal - decaf - and I have faith in him. All he needs is a little more time - black top - to learn the ropes and he'll be fine.
LORELAI: Where did he go?
LUKE: Uh, I don't know.
CUT TO YALE
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the ground in front of Rory's dorm]
LORELAI: Where are they all going? It's Saturday morning, they should be in bed.
RORY: They're excited about life. It's a college thing.
LORELAI: How come you're not excited about life?
RORY: I find nothing exciting before eleven.
EMILY: Yoo-hoo, girls, over here!
LORELAI: God, who's yoo-hooing? Oh, my God.
EMILY: Lorelai, Rory.
RICHARD: It's a fine day for football.
LORELAI: And funny hats.
EMILY: If you're going to continue sitting on the ground like that, you should get yourself a saxophone and a tip cup.
LORELAI: Sorry. Up.
RORY: Right.
EMILY: Lorelai, what are you wearing?
LORELAI: Uh, I'm sorry, you're horrified by what I'm wearing?
EMILY: You're wearing crimson.
LORELAI: I'm not wearing crimson.
RICHARD: Oh, she can't go like that.
RORY: Crimson is Harvard's color.
RICHARD: That's a very dangerous choice to make today, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I'm not wearing crimson. I'm wearing red.
EMILY: Same thing.
LORELAI: Very different.
EMILY: Look at Rory. Rory is dressed in Yale colors.
RICHARD: Why can't you be like Rory?
EMILY: Rory looks perfect.
LORELAI: Rory got dressed five minutes before you got here, and she's wearing my sweater.
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Well, I could just as easily have been the one dressed right.
EMILY: You can wear my jacket.
LORELAI: Do you have a samurai sword under those pom-poms, Mom? Because you're gonna have to "k*ll Bill" me to get me into that -
EMILY: Arm.
LORELAI: Yes, ma'am.
RICHARD: Uh, what have you got there, Rory?
RORY: Fig Newtons.
RICHARD: Fig Newtons?
RORY: A little dessert for later.
[Emily and Richard chuckle]
RORY: What's so funny?
LORELAI: We got the jumbo pack. We're not cheap.
EMILY: I'm sorry, Rory, we didn't mean to laugh at you. We love your Fig Newtons.
RICHARD: We will honor them and eat them proudly.
LORELAI: They're just Fig Newtons, guys. Don't get all freaky on us.
RICHARD: Well, let's get going.
LORELAI: So, what time does the game start?
RICHARD: One.
RORY: One?
LORELAI: Then why the hell did we have to meet you at nine?
EMILY: Is it absolutely necessary for you to talk like Sharon Osbourne?
LORELAI: You're the one with the dirty button.
RICHARD: There's much more to the big game day than the game, Lorelai. There are all kinds of rituals and traditions we Gilmores take part in. First off, a visit to Dan.
EMILY: A visit to Dan.
LORELAI: Who's Dan?
RICHARD: Come along, ladies.
LORELAI: Who's Dan?
EMILY: Button your coat.
LORELAI: Who's Dan?
[They walk over to a glass display case with a stuffed bulldog inside]
RICHARD: Girls, I'd like you to meet Dan - the original Handsome Dan.
EMILY: The very first Yale mascot.
RORY: Oh, my.
RICHARD: Just look at him, will you. Strong, determined, the very essence of dignity.
LORELAI: Got cotton stuffed in his butt. How dignified is that?
RICHARD: You will not sully the name of Dan. This dog has been the inspiration for many a young man.
EMILY: And young woman.
RICHARD: We salute you, Dan.
EMILY: Time for a toast.
LORELAI: Seriously?
RICHARD: Oh, it's a tradition. Here we go. The Rory flask.
RORY: Oh.
RICHARD: And the fun flask.
EMILY: Thank you.
RICHARD: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Fun flask, please.
RICHARD: All right, give our boys the strength to do battle yet again for the honor of Yale, and help us send the Harvard boys home in a body bag. Dan, we salute you.
EMILY: To Dan.
LORELAI: To Dan.
RORY: To Dan.
LORELAI: Mm, I like football.
RICHARD: I must admit, throughout the years, I have often hoped to be able to share this day with my granddaughter. It's selfish, I know, but I am thrilled to be here with you, Rory.
LORELAI: To Rory. Two more of these and I'm gonna start to understand your outfit.
RICHARD: [chants] Bulldog, bulldog, bow wow wow, Eli Yale. . .
LORELAI: What is he doing?
CROWD: Bulldog, bulldog, bow wow wow. . .
LORELAI: [gasps] They're joining him.
RORY: Apparently, everyone has a fun flask.
EMILY: You know, Cole Porter wrote that song.
LORELAI: Was that before he learned to write songs?
CROWD: . . .That is the sign we hail! Bulldog, bulldog, bow wow wow, Eli Yale!
EMILY: All right, everyone, time to move on.
RICHARD: Yes, we have a lot of things to get to.
LORELAI: Yeah, I hear there's a squirrel encased in concrete next door. We have to burn incense, dance around his tail with nuts in our mouths.
EMILY: What can I possibly do to stop you?
LORELAI: A little more of the fun flask might do the trick.
EMILY: That's all until we eat.
RORY: Where are we going to eat?
RICHARD: Uh, it's a tailgate party.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, a what?
RICHARD: Oh, well, don't look so shocked, Lorelai. Tailgating was invented at Yale.
LORELAI: Tailgating like tailgating? Like a beer and a hot dog in the parking lot?
EMILY: Walk a little faster, please.
LORELAI: Did they say "tailgating"?
RORY: I think so.
LORELAI: I wanted to make sure it wasn't the fun flask talking.
EMILY: Girls.
[They walk to the parking lot]
LORELAI: Oh, so this is tailgating.
RORY: It smells so good.
LORELAI: [to a guy barbecuing] Hey, how are ya? Go, Yale, huh? Hi, I'm Lorelai.
BENNY: I'm Benny.
LORELAI: Wow, great to meet you, Benny. Tell me about this barbecue sauce.
EMILY: Please don't harass people. Your daughter goes to this school.
LORELAI: Hi, Mom, I'd like you to meet Benny. Benny, this is my mother, Emily. We were thinking a summer wedding.
EMILY: It's nice to meet you. We're over there.
LORELAI: I don't care where you are. I have found my place in life. It's here, right next to -
RORY: Oh, my God.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Look.
[They see the elaborate tailgating area that Richard and Emily have set up]
EMILY: Richard, make sure he doesn't burn those.
LORELAI: See ya, Benny. Okay, let's tailgate. I really like football.
[At the tailgating area, Lorelai pours Richard a drink from the fun flask]
LORELAI: How's that?
RICHARD: Oh, that's fine if we were in Utah.
LORELAI: Message received. [pours him some more]
EMILY: Don't keep drinking that, Richard. I'm making my Bloody Mary's.
RICHARD: You have been working on your Bloody Mary's for an hour now.
EMILY: Rome wasn't built in a day. [sets a glass on the table] Taste that, Lorelai.
LORELAI: [takes a sip] Ugh! Hooyah!
EMILY: Too strong?
LORELAI: Just a tad.
RORY: Yeah, I'm sitting across from it and I'm looking for a lampshade to wear.
EMILY: All right, all right.
RICHARD: Rory, come with me. I want to introduce you to some good friends of mine.
RORY: Sure.
[Richard and Rory walk away]
EMILY: He is so proud of that girl.
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: Sometimes that's all he can talk about.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, it's a pretty good subject.
RICHARD: [to a group of men] Gentlemen, I want to introduce you to my granddaughter, Rory, class of 2007.
EMILY: So, any word from that little ex-hoodlum of hers?
LORELAI: No, Jess seems to be gone for good.
EMILY: How is she?
LORELAI: She's Rory. She's stoic. She's a lot like Dad.
EMILY: She is, isn't she? And what about you? Any men snooping around?
LORELAI: Uh, just on trash day.
EMILY: There must be someone.
LORELAI: No, no, no one.
EMILY: All right. Any weaker and it would simply be tomato juice.
LORELAI: Mm, very nice.
EMILY: Yes?
LORELAI: Mm.
EMILY: Perfect.
[Paris walks over to them]
PARIS: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi, Paris.
PARIS: Is Rory here?
LORELAI: Oh, no, she's over there with her grandfather. She'll be right back. Mom, do you know Paris?
EMILY: Of course I know Paris. She came to Rory's sixteenth birthday party. Nice to see you again. Would you like some lemonade?
PARIS: No, thank you. I won't be here long. Oh, Rory, good. Here. [hands her a camera]
RORY: What's this?
PARIS: I want you to take a win/lose photo.
RORY: A what?
PARIS: A photo as if we won and a photo as if we lost. That way, I have it to remember the day by.
RORY: Why don't you just wait until we win or lose to take the photo?
PARIS: Oh, please, I'm already so bored out of my mind, I'm thinking of transferring to Princeton for the hell of it. There's no way I'm gonna make it to the game. Just take the picture so I can go home.
RORY: Okay. We won. [takes pictures] We lost. [takes picture] We're done.
PARIS: I'm out of here.
RICHARD: Oh, hello, Paris. Join us for some food?
PARIS: No, thanks, Richard. Oh, by the way, thanks again for introducing me to Asher Fleming.
RICHARD: Oh, did you get your interview?
PARIS: No, not yet, but I'm working on it.
RICHARD: Well, I pity him if he tries to resist too long.
PARIS: Oh, so do I. Bye.
RORY: Bye, Paris.
[Paris leaves]
EMILY: She's an odd little duck, that one.
RICHARD: Don't I get one of those?
EMILY: Well, of course you do.
[A woman walks over]
PENNILYN: Richard, Emily, hello.
EMILY: Pennilyn.
RICHARD: Nice to see you.
PENNILYN: How are things?
EMILY: Perfect. You?
PENNILYN: Lovely. How's work?
RICHARD: Just fine. How's Stephen?
PENNILYN: Oh, you know.
EMILY: This is our daughter, Lorelai, and our granddaughter, Rory.
PENNILYN: Hello.
EMILY: It's been so long, we must catch up.
PENNILYN: You'll call?
EMILY: Of course.
PENNILYN: Well, then. . .
LORELAI: Oh, wait, are you Pennilyn Lott, my dad's college sweetheart?
PENNILYN: Yes.
LORELAI: You're my almost-mommy.
PENNILYN: Well, I suppose you could put it that way.
LORELAI: I'm so glad to finally meet you. Let me ask you something - would you have let me get a pony?
EMILY: I'll call you, Pennilyn.
PENNILYN: Uh, yes, I look forward to it.
LORELAI: Bye.
[Pennilyn leaves]
EMILY: Lorelai! Does anything work above your neck?
LORELAI: Ugh, what?
EMILY: What were you thinking?
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I was just trying to talk to her.
EMILY: We do not talk to Pennilyn Lott.
LORELAI: Ugh, I -
EMILY: We run into her once a year. We say hello, goodbye, and that is it. We do not have conversations, we do not talk about our lives.
LORELAI: But Mom -
EMILY: We do not joke with Pennilyn Lott. We do not refer to Pennilyn Lott as anything but Pennilyn Lott, and I would appreciate you remembering that.
LORELAI: Okay, seriously time for the fun flask.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Luke walks by the bakery, where a line is formed on the sidewalk outside the door]
LUKE: Hey, Patty.
MISS PATTY: Hi, sweetie.
LUKE: Gypsy.
GYPSY: Hey Luke.
LUKE: Reverend Skinner.
REVEREND: Afternoon, son.
LUKE: Oh, hey, Kirk, I got that cheese in you like.
KIRK: The Pepper Jack?
LUKE: Pepper Jack, yes. Anyway, it's here, it's in if you're coming by today.
KIRK: Okay.
LUKE: Are you?
KIRK: Am I coming by today?
LUKE: Yes.
KIRK: No, not today.
LUKE: Kirk, listen, I got that cheese just for you. Do not leave me with three pounds of Pepper Jack on my hands.
KIRK: I won't.
LUKE: What are you doing here anyway?
KIRK: Standing in line.
LUKE: Why are you standing in line?
KIRK: Because I'm a follower.
LUKE: Patty?
MISS PATTY: Yes, Luke?
LUKE: What are all these people standing in line for?
MISS PATTY: Well, it seems like such a nice day for pie.
LUKE: What's going on here?
KIRK: I'm sticking to the pie story.
LUKE: Why do you need a pie story, Kirk?
KIRK: Ask Gypsy.
GYPSY: Don't pawn this off on me.
LUKE: Will somebody tell me what the hell is going on?
REVEREND: Luke -
LUKE: Oh, sorry, Reverend.
REVEREND: No, I was just gonna tell you what's going on.
LUKE: Oh, good. Go ahead.
REVEREND: We're all here for lunch.
LUKE: Since when does Weston's serve lunch?
MISS PATTY: We're sorry, Luke. We really are.
LUKE: You're sorry about what?
KIRK: About not eating at your diner anymore.
LUKE: You're not eating at my diner anymore? Why?
MISS PATTY: We hate the kid.
LUKE: Brennon?
KIRK: Brennon, Satan, whatever.
LUKE: Wait a minute, don't you think you're all just overreacting a little bit? He's just a kid.
GYPSY: A really weird kid. He'll be looking directly at you and start laughing. No one knows why. He's just there, laughing.
LUKE: He laughs? That's why you hate him? The kid laughs?
KIRK: You'd have to hear it.
LUKE: I don't believe you people. You've been coming to my diner for years, and now, all of a sudden, because I give a local kid a break, try to teach him a skill, give him a chance to get a little extra cash, a little independence, you all just up and leave? I mean, so he's not the most popular kid in town. If I remember correctly, I wasn't exactly the most popular kid in town either.
GYPSY: Yeah, but you didn't do that laughing thing.
LUKE: Yeah, whatever I did, I grew up, I got responsible. This town gave me a chance, and I proved them right. Now you're all just gonna stand there and tell me that that's it, that you've given out all the passes that you had and you're not coming to my diner anymore because you don't like Brennon? Well, fine. Fine! Do not come to my diner. From now on, every day is a nice day for pie.
[Luke starts walking toward the diner. Through the window, he sees Brennon singing and dancing on one of the tables. He walks back to the bakery line]
LUKE: Just give me ten minutes.
CUT TO YALE
[Lorelai, Rory, Emily and Richard are eating lunch at their tailgating area]
RICHARD: I think I have officially eaten a third of a cow.
RORY: Mm, the steak is incredible.
EMILY: I'm glad you're all enjoying it. Lorelai, how's your steak?
LORELAI: Why do you ask?
EMILY: That's it. Hand over the flask.
LORELAI: I do not know what you're talking about. There's no flask here.
RORY: What's going on over there?
EMILY: Oh, Richard, it's Dan.
RICHARD: Dan? It's Dan! It's Dan!
LORELAI: I thought we already saw Dan.
EMILY: This is the current Dan.
RICHARD: Emily, get his bone.
EMILY: Got it. [they walk over to the dog] Here you go, Dan.
LORELAI: Enjoy it now. I just saw your future and it ain't good.
[Marty walks over]
MARTY: Rory, hey.
RORY: Hey, did you see Dan?
MARTY: Well, you can't help it. He's everywhere today in one form or another.
RORY: I want you to meet my mom.
LORELAI: I'll distract them, and you make a run for it. Dan, are you listening to me? Stop eating. Your freedom's at stake here.
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: I was just petting him.
RORY: I want you to meet Marty.
LORELAI: Oh, naked guy.
MARTY: You told your mother about me.
RORY: Um, yeah. Well, I included some anecdotes where you were actually clothed, too.
MARTY: Oh, I appreciate that.
RICHARD: And who is this young man?
RORY: This is Marty. He lives in my residence hall.
EMILY: It's very nice to meet you, Marty.
RICHARD: Why did my daughter just call you "naked guy"?
RORY: I now owe you money.
MARTY: I, uh, had an unfortunate experience with a keg and a party and a need to take my clothes off and fall asleep in a hallway.
EMILY: Oh, my goodness.
RICHARD: Oh, please, that's nothing. I was naked an entire month my h*m* year.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Welcome to tonight's episode of "Things I Never Needed to Know About My Father."
RICHARD: I and a group of like-minded young men decided to protest the new dress code by wearing silk ties and nothing else. We were written up by the dean of admissions and thr*at with expulsion. We were also suddenly very popular with the ladies.
EMILY: Ah, yes. This is exactly the kind of conversation I had hoped we would have with our granddaughter and her friend.
RICHARD: One night in the hallway does not a true naked guy make, my friend.
EMILY: Would you like to eat with us, Marty?
MARTY: Oh, I would love to. It looks amazing. But I have to go. There's kind of a party going on over on the lawn, and I actually came by to see if Rory wanted to stop by for a little while.
RORY: Oh, I can't.
RICHARD: Oh, nonsense, of course you can go. Go visit your friends. I insist.
RORY: Are you sure?
RICHARD: We've got plenty of time before the kickoff, go.
RORY: Okay.
EMILY: Take this with you.
MARTY: Thanks. It was nice meeting you. Obi-wan.
RICHARD: Hm.
[Rory and Marty walk away]
RICHARD: I like that boy.
LORELAI: Prove it. Drop your pants.
EMILY: All right, come on.
LORELAI: Come on where?
EMILY: It's time to go to the ladies' room.
LORELAI: It is? Was there a memo, or. . .
EMILY: It's an hour before kickoff. The lines won't be long. Grab your purse. You'll thank me later.
CUT TO THE RESTROOMS
[Lorelai walks out]
LORELAI: I'll meet you right outside. [she walks over to a coffee kiosk] Coffee, please.
GUY: Here you go.
LORELAI: Thanks.
[Pennilyn walks over]
PENNILYN: Of course there's a line. Why wouldn't there be?
LORELAI: You know, you kind of want to hang out here anyhow.
PENNILYN: Why is that?
LORELAI: Some woman just took her forty-year-old son in there.
PENNILYN: No.
LORELAI: He might not be forty, but the images he's gathering up in there will last until he gets there.
PENNILYN: Why do women do that?
LORELAI: I don't know.
PENNILYN: When I was growing up, there was such a thing as modesty. I suppose that's not in fashion now.
LORELAI: Nope, modesty went punk.
PENNILYN: So, I hear you're opening an inn.
LORELAI: Well, trying to.
PENNILYN: That sounds very exciting.
LORELAI: It is.
[Emily walks over]
EMILY: Pennilyn, we're just running into you all over the place.
PENNILYN: Yes, you are.
EMILY: Well, it's a nice treat. Enjoy the game.
PENNILYN: Same to you.
EMILY: Oops, the line's moving.
PENNILYN: Oh, I'll see you later.
EMILY: Yes. Let's go, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Did you see the woman with the forty-year-old kid?
[They return to the tailgating area]
RICHARD: Oh, Emily, good. I can't remember whether it's two shakes of Tabasco or four.
EMILY: I'll do it.
RICHARD: Mm. I did however remember how much vodka goes in there.
EMILY: You're going to have to move if you want me to make them.
RICHARD: But I don't want to move. I want to stand right here, dangerously close to my wife as long as. . .[a group of men starts singing]. . . Whiffenpoofs! [he goes over to sing with them]
EMILY: There's no celery. Sandy, I told you to cut enough celery for the entire day.
LORELAI: Ugh, he's gonna be in so much pain tomorrow.
EMILY: What is this? Sandy, what is this?
SANDY: It's the cookies.
EMILY: It's the cookies my granddaughter brought. I told you to place them on a doily, not just dump them on a plate.
SANDY: I'm sorry.
EMILY: Take them, fix them. And where's the celery?
LORELAI: Um, I can get you celery, Mom.
EMILY: I didn't hire you to get me celery.
LORELAI: I know, but I'm happy to help.
EMILY: Sandy, I don't want to ask you again.
LORELAI: Is something wrong, Mom?
EMILY: No, nothing's wrong.
[Richard walks back over with the Whiffenpoofs]
RICHARD: These are the best Bloody Mary's I have ever tasted. Emily, let's give these boys some refreshments.
EMILY: We can't give them any refreshments because we don't have any celery even though I've been asking for it repeatedly for the last ten minutes.
RICHARD: We can drink them without celery.
EMILY: How does Pennilyn Lott know that Lorelai's opening an inn?
RICHARD: Excuse me?
EMILY: She knows that Lorelai's opening an inn. How did she know?
RICHARD: Well -
EMILY: I didn't tell her. I don't think Lorelai told her. I can't remember the last time Rory and Pennilyn had a hen party.
LORELAI: Um, Mom. . .
EMILY: Once a year - that's when we talk to her. Once a year, right here at the game. We say hello, we ask about her health, we ask about her children, and if Stephen's not here, we ask about him. How did she know?
RICHARD: I told her.
LORELAI: [to the Whiffenpoofs] Run.
EMILY: When?
RICHARD: About six months ago. We had lunch.
EMILY: Where?
RICHARD: At a restaurant.
EMILY: What restaurant?
RICHARD: You don't know it.
EMILY: Why don't I know it?
RICHARD: Because you've never been there.
EMILY: How do you know I've never been there? You don't know everything about me. I don't know everything about you. I didn't know you were having lunch with Pennilyn Lott. We obviously don't know everything about each other. What restaurant?
RICHARD: Adele's.
EMILY: I've never been there.
RICHARD: We just had lunch and talked. Two old friends.
EMILY: How nice. So, after all of these years of not having lunch and not talking, you two decide to get together and catch up. Whose idea was it?
RICHARD: Emily, could we discuss this in the trailer?
EMILY: We will discuss this right here. Whose idea was it?
RICHARD: I don't know. We've been having lunch once a year for many years. It's just a little tradition.
EMILY: Every year since when?
RICHARD: Every year since we got married. Emily, please don't make this more dramatic than it has to be.
EMILY: No, I certainly wouldn't want to do that.
RICHARD: Pennilyn and I are just friends. We just wanted to keep track of each other. That was it.
EMILY: So, you've lied to me for the last 39 years.
RICHARD: Well, she didn't tell Stephen. It was only lunch.
EMILY: Only lunch, yes.
RICHARD: Emily, I -
EMILY: I think you should go for a walk, Richard.
RICHARD: I'll be back before the game. [leaves]
LORELAI: Mom, I know it was wrong, but I'm sure Dad just didn't want to get you upset.
EMILY: Well, then perhaps he shouldn't have lied to me for the last 39 years. That's a surefire way not to get me upset.
LORELAI: That's true, but it was just lunch.
EMILY: It was lunch with Pennilyn Lott, Lorelai - the woman you insisted on talking to even though I told you not to.
LORELAI: I didn't -
EMILY: Your stubbornness is astounding to me. I asked you over and over to please refrain from talking to her.
LORELAI: You asked me once, and -
EMILY: But no, you had to push it, and now look what's happened! Are you happy?
LORELAI: Are you seriously blaming me for this?
EMILY: You had to talk to her!
LORELAI: I didn't have lunch with her, Mom. Dad did.
EMILY: I wouldn't have known! If you hadn't talked to her, I wouldn't have known, and everything would have been fine!
LORELAI: So you'd rather just be in denial about things, Mom?
EMILY: Everything would have been fine!
LORELAI: But Dad still would have been having lunch with this woman once a year.
EMILY: You weren't even supposed to come. It was supposed to be your father and me and Rory. You weren't supposed to come!
LORELAI: Okay!
CUT TO JASON'S OFFICE
[He answers the phone]
JASON: This is Jason Stiles.
LORELAI: You still have those reservations?
JASON: Should I. . .no. Gonna let it go. I'll pick you up at eight.
LORELAI: Okay.
JASON: And wear something completely evil.
LORELAI: So, horns, tail, and my Wolfowitz t-shirt?
JASON: Perfect.
LORELAI: Bye.
JASON: Bye.
CUT TO THE CHINA GARDEN RESTAURANT
[Lorelai and Jason walk in]
LORELAI: Oh, man, this place is crazy.
JASON: You know they flew in the top prost*tute from Hong Kong to work that coat check.
LORELAI: Oh, God, I hope that's true. Okay, is there a star? We need a star. Bingo.
JASON: Where?
LORELAI: Ted Koppel's here.
JASON: Where?
LORELAI: Right there.
JASON: Oh, dear, so he really does look like that. [to hostess] Uh, the name is Stiles, for two.
LORELAI: I love that Ted Koppel's here.
HOSTESS: Follow me.
LORELAI: Look how she seats us right away.
JASON: You like that, huh?
LORELAI: I do like that. Now, if she seats us next to Ted, we have to make sure to become his best friends so he invites us to all those famous newscaster parties.
JASON: Oh, that sounds fabulous.
[They are led into a private room with one table]
HOSTESS: Miss?
LORELAI: Yes? Oh, me? Sorry. Thank you.
JASON: Thank you.
HOSTESS: Your waiter will be in in a moment. [leaves]
JASON: Nice, huh?
LORELAI: Yes, very nice. Quiet. You could hear a pin drop.
JASON: So, how are you feeling tonight? Red, white, or gin-soaked?
LORELAI: Red's good.
JASON: Red it is.
LORELAI: So, I'm sorry, is this where we're going to eat?
JASON: That's right.
LORELAI: Oh, okay. Did they run out of tables or something?
JASON: I requested this room.
LORELAI: You requested it?
JASON: Yes.
LORELAI: You asked for it on purpose?
JASON: Hey, it's very hard to get this room. Everybody wants it, and now we've got it.
LORELAI: Yes, we do, we have it. Lucky us. It's just that everything's kinda going on out there.
JASON: So?
LORELAI: Well, don't you wanna be out there with everybody else?
JASON: Why?
LORELAI: Because it's fun.
JASON: You know, all the people and the noise, you can't even hear yourself think.
LORELAI: But that's the point of coming to a place like this.
JASON: I thought the point of coming to a place like this would be to enjoy the food and the atmosphere.
LORELAI: Yes, but all of the atmosphere is out there.
JASON: You don't like the room.
LORELAI: No, it's. . .it is weird, you know. I mean, the two of us sitting all alone in here. I feel like we're quarantined. It's like the ebola room or something.
JASON: Okay, I don't know what to do.
LORELAI: Why don't we ask for a table out there?
JASON: Oh, no, the place is booked solid.
LORELAI: We could eat at the bar.
JASON: I don't eat at the bar.
LORELAI: Why not?
JASON: I don't like stools. Your feet hang.
LORELAI: Hey, this is a fancy place. Someone will hold them.
JASON: Maybe we should just go.
LORELAI: Oh, Jason. . .
JASON: No, you're uncomfortable. It's fine. Let's go. Ted would.
LORELAI: Oh.
CUT TO INSIDE JASON'S CAR
JASON: We could go someplace else. You must be starving.
LORELAI: You know, I'm not. I had a lot of food today.
JASON: Right, you tailgated. Okay, so, home?
LORELAI: Okay, yeah, home's fine.
JASON: We could try this again some other time.
LORELAI: Uh huh, absolutely. Oh my God, I'm starving.
JASON: You just said you weren't.
LORELAI: Well, I lied.
JASON: Well, good, 'cause I'm starving, too.
LORELAI: Well, you should have said something.
JASON: Well, our date was dinner. It was implied.
LORELAI: Oh, okay, next exit.
JASON: What?
LORELAI: Get off at the next exit, do it, do it.
JASON: Okay, doing it, doing it, doing it, doing it.
[They pull up to a drive-thru window]
LORELAI: Oh, this place, hands down, the best tacos on the East Coast. You're gonna be very happy.
JASON: Good to know.
EMPLOYEE: Welcome to Taco Barn, may I take your order?
LORELAI: Hi. Um, two tacos, an order of taquitos, a beef burrito with no onions, and, uh, don't bother bagging it, that'll just slow us down. Go ahead.
JASON: Uh, nothing for me.
LORELAI: What?
JASON: No, nothing, thanks.
LORELAI: You said you were starving.
JASON: Yeah, I'm just not big on Mexican food.
LORELAI: Trust me, this stuff bears no resemblance to Mexican food.
JASON: It's okay, I'm good.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, I'm not gonna eat if you're not gonna eat.
JASON: What is this, junior high?
LORELAI: No, no, I just, um. . .I don't wanna sit in a car and eat by myself.
JASON: Why?
LORELAI: Because it's not fun.
JASON: Well, does everything have to be fun for you?
LORELAI: When I'm on a date, yeah.
JASON: Oh, please, come on, just get the food.
LORELAI: No, no, let's go.
JASON: No, the tacos. You love the tacos.
LORELAI: I'm not hungry.
JASON: You are too hungry.
LORELAI: Forget it. Let's go.
JASON: Okay, I'm going.
CUT TO A SUPERMARKET
[Lorelai and Jason walk in]
JASON: I told you to get the tacos.
LORELAI: Let's not do this again, okay? I just need to eat something.
JASON: This is a supermarket.
LORELAI: I'm gonna throw my purse at you.
JASON: You have to cook anything you buy here.
LORELAI: Jason, come on.
JASON: Come on what?
LORELAI: There are a million things here. There's cheese and fruit and chips and a whole prepared-food section. Now grab this basket and look. Do you want to start with the salad?
JASON: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay. What did you just do?
JASON: I need razors.
LORELAI: No, no, this is an errand.
JASON: So?
LORELAI: So we're looking for food and you're running errands.
JASON: I'm a busy man. I don't have time to do these things.
LORELAI: We're on a date!
JASON: We're in a store, they're right there. Now I don't have to go tomorrow.
LORELAI: But a date isn't about convenience. You're not supposed to be thinking about the things you need. Oh, sh**t, I'm out of toothpaste.
JASON: Grab it.
LORELAI: Where are you going?
JASON: I need hand soap.
LORELAI: All right. I'll grab some paper towels and meet you in the prepared-food section.
JASON: Fine. Uh, which way is detergent?
LORELAI: That way.
[They go off to separate aisles]
JASON: [calls] Hey, you need peas? 'Cause there's two for one.
LORELAI: Uh, no, I'm good.
JASON: I'm getting you a couple anyhow.
LORELAI: Where are you?
JASON: Uh, let's see, there's Jell-o and tiny cocktail wieners.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm one aisle over.
JASON: I'll be right there. [walks to her aisle] Boy, I gotta tell you, the advice about not shopping hungry couldn't be truer.
LORELAI: Good Lord, that's a lot of food.
JASON: Well, it's not all just food.
LORELAI: So you won't eat fast food, but Sno Balls are okay?
JASON: I've never eaten them. I was curious.
LORELAI: Sno Balls. Pink marshmallow coconut balls.
JASON: You wouldn't be curious about pink marshmallow coconut balls? Who makes these? How did the decision to dye the coconut pink occur? Why are they shaped like a chest? Is there any dessert on the fact of the planet that could stimulate this much debate?
LORELAI: I don't know.
JASON: What are you looking for?
LORELAI: Well, they usually have the mini size of these chips.
JASON: Get the big one.
LORELAI: I grab them on the way out of the house and this won't fit in my purse.
JASON: Well, they must have them. Hold on.
LORELAI: Where are you going?
JASON: Just watch my Sno Balls, please.
LORELAI: Not on the first date, mister.
[Jason goes to talk to a store employee, then walks back over to Lorelai]
JASON: Let's go.
LORELAI: Where?
JASON: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
[The employee lets them into the storage room]
EMPLOYEE: Ten minutes.
JASON: That's all we need.
LORELAI: What are we doing here?
JASON: We're looking for your chips.
LORELAI: Seriously?
JASON: Well, this is where they keep the goods.
LORELAI: How did you get the guy to let us in the back room?
JASON: Talking people into doing things that they don't wanna do happens to be my specialty.
LORELAI: Ooh, look, a time clock. Let's clock in. Do you wanna be Lucy or Jamal?
JASON: Uh, either one. What were the chips you like?
LORELAI: Sour cream and onion.
JASON: Ah, got 'em.
LORELAI: Oh, it's just like heaven.
JASON: Here. Wanna do the honors?
LORELAI: Ooh, I feel so powerful.
JASON: Well, you're holding a Kn*fe. Being armed does that to people. Wow, Cap'n Crunch. I lived on Cap'n Crunch in college.
LORELAI: Cut him.
JASON: Cut Cap'n Crunch? That seems a bit severe.
LORELAI: Trust me, he's got it coming.
JASON: Okay, I just hope Jamal doesn't get busted for this.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Jason are sitting at a table in front of the supermarket eating the food they just bought]
LORELAI: Mac and cheese?
JASON: Yeah, please, delicious.
LORELAI: Mm.
JASON: You know, I must say, this is a pretty nice spread we put together here.
LORELAI: A little ingenuity.
JASON: It's too bad they stop selling alcohol after 9:30. I mean, not that I need to be drunk to have dinner with you.
LORELAI: Oh, the fun flask.
JASON: Excuse me?
LORELAI: I swiped the fun flask.
JASON: So, tell me something.
LORELAI: Yes?
JASON: Why'd you change your mind?
LORELAI: No reason.
JASON: You seemed to be pretty determined.
LORELAI: Yes, I did.
JASON: And you had some pretty good logic backing you up.
LORELAI: I always do.
JASON: So between the phone call where you said no and eight hours ago, what happened?
LORELAI: Well, I went to the Harvard-Yale game with Rory and my parents.
JASON: Yes, that's how I get all of my girls.
LORELAI: And, um, there was this thing with my mother. And it just, uh. . . well, she was just. . .I thought, and. . . so here we are?
JASON: So here we are. Um, listen. . .whatever it is your mother did today, do you think she might do it again tomorrow night?
LORELAI: I think there's an excellent possibility.
JASON: Okay, I'm gonna go for the giant egg rolls. Do you want one?
LORELAI: Yes, please, and don't forget the hot mustard.
JASON: Right.
[Jason walks away. Lorelai answers her cell phone]
LORELAI: Hello?
RORY: So how was it?
LORELAI: It's still going on.
RORY: Really, how dirty.
LORELAI: We're at the West Hills market drinking booze out of paper cups.
RORY: Really, how pathetic.
LORELAI: He made sure I got my potato chips.
RORY: Really, how confusing.
LORELAI: I'll explain later. How are the grandparents?
RORY: Not speaking.
LORELAI: Must have been one hell of a game.
RORY: I read.
LORELAI: I'm sorry I bailed.
RORY: You owe me nothing but the gory details.
LORELAI: I might like him.
RORY: Just remember, you're sleeping with every single person he's ever slept with.
LORELAI: Thank you for that.
RORY: Call me tomorrow.
LORELAI: You got it.
[They hang up. As Rory starts to head back to her dorm, she sees Paris kissing Asher Fleming]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x09 - Ted Koppel's Big Night Out"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Scott Kaufer
directed by Peter Lauser
transcript by Stacy with assistance by Canopus
OPEN IN THE TOWN SQUARE
[Lorelai and Rory are walking down the sidewalk.]
RORY: It's culs-de-sac.
LORELAI: No way!
RORY: It is.
LORELAI: The plural of cul-de-sac is culs-de-sac?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: That doesn't even sound like English.
RORY: That's because it's French.
LORELAI: You know what I mean.
RORY: I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
LORELAI: Words should sound right to be right.
RORY: That's not how it works.
LORELAI: So, what, the plural of yo-yo is yos-yo?
RORY: Yeah, 'cause that sounds so natural.
LORELAI: As natural as culs-de-sac.
[They walk into Luke's Diner, where Lane is waitressing.]
LORELAI: Hey, when did Lane start working here?
RORY: Oh, a couple of days ago. She filled out an application, and Luke brought her in for an interview and everything.
LORELAI: An interview? So official.
RORY: Yeah. They sat in complete silence for a full five minutes, then Luke said, "How ya doing?" and she said "Good," and then he gave her the job.
LORELAI: So what do we get out of this?
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: We got someone on the inside now, a friend of ours.
RORY: And out of it we could get?
LORELAI: The secret things he keeps back there.
RORY: His showgirl costume.
LORELAI: Extra jelly packets, butter, discarded day-old bread.
RORY: But we get that when we go dumpster driving.
LORELAI: This'll be easier on our shoes.
[Luke walks over to their table]
LORELAI: Hey, Luke.
LUKE: Look at this.
LORELAI: Who, Lane? She's super waitress, able to leap tall pancakes in a single bound. Or is that pans-cake?
RORY: Very funny.
LUKE: It's not gonna work out.
LORELAI: Oh. What, she's so good.
LUKE: She's too good.
LORELAI: Oh, calm down.
LUKE: I'm not even sure why she took the job. I mean, I totally blew the interview.
LORELAI: You were nervous.
[Lane walks over]
LANE: Hey, guys. You got this, Luke?
LUKE: Yeah, I got it.
LANE: [walking away] Caesar, I need that English muffin.
LUKE: When there was a lull, she cleaned the menus without being asked.
LORELAI: Do you mean mens-u?
RORY: Stop it.
LUKE: This isn't challenging enough. She's gonna get bored.
LORELAI: Buy her a chemistry set.
RORY: Or a foosball table.
LUKE: I should find something to do. [walks away]
RORY: Having help is stressing him.
LORELAI: So, now, why do you have to get back to campus so early? Classes don't start for a couple of days.
RORY: Yeah, I have a lot of stuff to do. And it'll be nice and quiet with no roommates around.
LORELAI: Where are the rooms-mate?
RORY: Um, Janet's mountain climbing, Tanna's home, and Paris went skiing with her boyfriend.
LORELAI: So you're just ignoring the plural thing now?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: You haven't mentioned Paris' boyfriend in awhile. Everything good there?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: What? Something's not right?
RORY: Um, well, just the weirdness of them being really busy with school, and he's miles away at Princeton, but they're good. Um, she called me from the slopes and they sounded like they were having a blast.
LANE: Eggs scrambled, Caesar. Hey, Luke, coffee in the corner.
LUKE: Right, sorry.
LORELAI: Boy, maybe this Lane/Luke team isn't gonna work out.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Where do you think Luke will go?
RORY: I don't know. Maybe a big chain will take him on.
LORELAI: I wonder if he has a forklift license.
RORY: He could redeem recyclables.
LORELAI: You mean recycs-able?
[opening credits]
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Michel are walking down the sidewalk]
MICHEL: You promise?
LORELAI: Yes. This is in and out, pick a molding for the public areas, meeting adjourned.
MICHEL: No food sampling.
LORELAI: It's not on the agenda.
MICHEL: I have not seen Sookie once this month where she has not greeted me by shoving something in my mouth.
LORELAI: Are you sure it was food every time?
MICHEL: You can joke, but as long as super low rise jeans are in fashion for men, I must stay trim or I'll die.
[They walk up to Sookie's house and knock on the door]
SOOKIE: [calls from inside the house] Come on in!
LORELAI: How low we talking here?
MICHEL: I've had to wax.
LORELAI: Subject over.
[They walk into the house]
SOOKIE: Hi. Oh! [looks through the bag of crown molding Lorelai is carrying] Aha. Hm. Ooh, this is nice.
LORELAI: That's my favorite, too. A little pricey.
SOOKIE: It's amazing how we always pick the pricey. So, do you guys want something to -
MICHEL: No!
SOOKIE:. . .drink? I made hot water for tea.
MICHEL: Tea?
SOOKIE: You like Earl Gray, right?
MICHEL: If you have some.
SOOKIE: It's all ready. Earl Gray.
MICHEL: Thank you.
SOOKIE: And try this pizzelle.
MICHEL: I knew it.
LORELAI: Delight!
MICHEL: This is a tasting.
SOOKIE: I just need your opinion.
MICHEL: Well, my opinion is you're trying to fatten me out of a love life.
SOOKIE: I thought you were celibate.
MICHEL: Not by choice.
[The baby starts crying in another room]
SOOKIE: You woke up Davey, big mouth.
LORELAI: Do you wanna go check on him?
SOOKIE: He'll be out here in a second.
LORELAI: He's two months and already walking? I'm missing the big moments.
[Tobin walks into the room with the baby]
LORELAI: Tobin!
MICHEL: Tobin?
TOBIN: Hi, and I'm high around this little thing. He's such an angel.
SOOKIE: Hello, little booby. Did that mean old Michel wake you up?
MICHEL: I'm being Punk'd. I know I'm being Punk'd.
SOOKIE: Isn't this great? We have the whole team back together.
MICHEL: I'm ecstatic. Did you know about this?
LORELAI: I knew that Tobin was back in town, but I didn't hear you were the -
TOBIN: Davey's nanny? Just until something permanent comes along.
SOOKIE: Davey fell for this guy lock, stock and barrel. It was love at first sight.
TOBIN: Well, my whole life is kids. I have eleven nieces and nephews.
LORELAI: Wow.
MICHEL: How joyous for you.
LORELAI: Now, Tobin, we'd heard you moved.
TOBIN: Yes, right after the inn b*rned down. I moved to Utah because I heard there was lots of job opportunities for industrious Mormons.
LORELAI: I didn't know you were a Mormon.
TOBIN: I wasn't, so I became one. The paperwork took weeks. And I didn't know about the alcohol thing.
LORELAI: They famously abstain.
TOBIN: No coffee either. The choir is fabulous, but then there's the funny underwear. It didn't last.
SOOKIE: Then he called me from the road and suggested this.
MICHEL: How wonderful.
TOBIN: Oh, I see you're trying the pizzelles. Are they not pieces of heaven shaped like cookies?
LORELAI: Wonderful.
TOBIN: You know, they'd be perfect for breakfast, too, with cappuccino.
SOOKIE: I've never thought of them for breakfast. Great idea.
MICHEL: It occurred to me.
TOBIN: You know, you could serve them on that green platter we bought yesterday. The colors would juxtapose nicely.
MICHEL: You went shopping together?
TOBIN: Yes. I turned Sookie onto a place that sells hard-to-find kitchenware. Oh, and I found some websites I'd like to recommend to you, Lorelai. I spent a lot of time online when I was a Mormon. There wasn't much else to do.
MICHEL: Excuse me, is this not an inn meeting for inn employees only?
[The baby starts crying]
TOBIN: It's okay, little baby. I think your voice hits a pitch that hurts his ears.
MICHEL: My voice has the same pitch as anyone else's.
SOOKIE: Michel hates babies.
MICHEL: I do not hate babies.
LORELAI: Well, babies hate you.
MICHEL: They do not hate me. Look, all I'm saying is, we have limited time together, the three of us, and we cannot afford to waste it, the three of us, and he's cutting in.
TOBIN: Michel, I'm not cutting in. But the fact is, wherever Sookie goes, the baby goes, and wherever the baby goes, I go. It's my job. We even made a joke earlier - the baby has a meeting today. [points to a piece of crown molding] I love this.
LORELAI: We do, too.
SOOKIE: Would you like a cup of tea, Tobin?
TOBIN: Just a little lapsing oolong, please.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, Richard and Emily are eating dinner]
LORELAI: You knew that?
RICHARD: Yes, I did.
LORELAI: Come on!
RICHARD: Everyone does.
LORELAI: Did you?
EMILY: Of course I did.
LORELAI: So everyone in the entire world knew the plural of cul-de-sac was culs-de-sac?
RICHARD: Yes.
LORELAI: Okay. So Mariah Carey is out with some friends and she's had a couple cocktails, she glances down from the roof and says, "Oh, look at all those culs-de-sac."
RORY: Why are they on the roof?
LORELAI: It's a rooftop bar.
RICHARD: How have you been saying it?
LORELAI: Cul-de-sacs.
RICHARD: And no one ever corrected you?
LORELAI: No, because that's the way it should be. Even if it isn't technically correct, it should be pronounced that way.
RORY: Mom, Mom, just let it go.
LORELAI: I will never let this go.
RORY: Is there dessert?
EMILY: Yes, and we have a special surprise for you for dessert. We brought it back from Switzerland.
LORELAI: We're getting a mountain goat?
RICHARD: This is better than a goat.
EMILY: Let's go into the living room.
RORY: Dessert from Switzerland.
LORELAI: The land of chocolate.
RORY: Yum!
RICHARD: You two are going to love this.
LORELAI: Is it as good as Toblerone?
RICHARD: Oh, it's better than Toblerone.
[They walk to the living room. The maid sets the dessert tray on the coffee table]
LORELAI: Whoa, what is that?
EMILY: It's marzipan.
RORY: Marzipan?
RICHARD: The finest marzipan in all of Europe. Made by cloistered nuns.
EMILY: We toured their cloister, it was right out of "The Sound of Music."
LORELAI: What happened to the chocolate?
EMILY: What chocolate?
LORELAI: You compared it to Toblerone - that's chocolate.
RICHARD: You brought up Toblerone. I just said it was better than that because I think it is.
EMILY: Marzipan is candy. You like candy.
LORELAI: Marzipan is not candy. It is a unique substance unto itself, like Velveeta or plutonium.
EMILY: You're not even going to try it?
LORELAI: I'll pass.
RORY: I'll try some, Grandma.
RICHARD: Take the one with the little pig on it.
RORY: Oh, thank you.
RICHARD: We got the pigs for you and the bunny for your mother.
LORELAI: You got me bunnies?
EMILY: They're for whomever now.
LORELAI: Well, no, I'll try a bunny.
EMILY: Don't force yourself.
LORELAI: I'm not. I want a bunny. Give me a bunny.
EMILY: Delicious.
RICHARD: Those nuns kick you-know-what.
[the doorbell rings]
EMILY: Now who can that be?
RICHARD: Ah, it's probably Jason. He said he might drop something by on his way back from the airport.
EMILY: In the middle of dinner?
RICHARD: He won't be here long. He's probably exhausted. The flight from Australia is draining.
[The maid brings Jason to the living room]
RICHARD: Jason, welcome back.
JASON: Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt your evening.
RICHARD: Oh, oh, not at all. You look fit. Look how fit he looks, Emily.
EMILY: He looks very fit. Hello, Jason.
JASON: Emily.
RICHARD: Uh, you've met Lorelai and Rory.
JASON: Yes, it's nice to see you again.
LORELAI: Same here.
RORY: Hi.
JASON: Richard, here are the papers, and they do not need to be notarized.
RICHARD: Oh, that's a huge help. Terrific.
LORELAI: So, um, Mom, maybe our guest would, uh . . .
EMILY: Oh, Jason, would you like some marzipan?
JASON: Would I? I love marzipan.
EMILY: Take as much as you like, and put some extra into a napkin. Just not the one Lorelai spat her piece into.
JASON: [tries some marzipan] Mmm, delicious.
RICHARD: Mmhmm, mmhmm.
JASON: Well, I'll be going. It was good to see you all again.
RICHARD: Oh, here.
JASON: No, no, no, no, Richard, you don't have to see me out.
RICHARD: All right. See you tomorrow.
[Jason leaves]
RICHARD: He must have been hiking the whole time. He looks wonderful.
LORELAI: Excuse me, I just have to freshen up my. . .be right back. [leaves the room]
EMILY: [to Rory] Have you swallowed your marzipan yet?
RORY: Mmhmm. [pause] Unh-uh. [Richard hands her a napkin and she spits out her marzipan]
[In another room, Lorelai calls Jason's cell phone.]
JASON: Hello?
LORELAI: Um, so, you're back.
JASON: Uh, I am no hologram.
LORELAI: Uh, Australia was good?
JASON: Very good. Hot.
LORELAI: You tie your wallaby down, sport?
JASON: No, I just drank a lot of beer and thought about you a lot.
LORELAI: That's very sweet.
JASON: So when are we getting together again?
LORELAI: When do you want?
JASON: How about now?
LORELAI: Hm, too spontaneous.
JASON: How about Monday night?
LORELAI: For what?
JASON: Dinner, et cetera.
LORELAI: Sounds good, et cetera.
JASON: I'll call you.
LORELAI: Okay. Hey, what are you gonna do with your marzipan?
JASON: Oh, I don't know. I thought I'd dump 'em on the road, but is that environmentally sound?
LORELAI: I don't think marzipan biodegrades.
JASON: I'll just serve it to the clients I don't like.
LORELAI: Well, bye.
JASON: I'll see you Monday.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory is in the common room with a repairman who is fixing the radiator.]
REPAIRMAN: Almost done with your radiator, young lady.
RORY: Take your time.
REPAIRMAN: You were smart. You come back early, you b*at the rush.
RORY: I just wanted to get a jump on things.
REPAIRMAN: I like the campus when it's kind of empty like this, you know, all quiet. Snow's pretty, too.
RORY: Yeah, very pretty.
[Rory looks out the window and sees Paris with Asher Fleming]
REPAIRMAN: There's something very magical about this campus. I've been here 23 years come August and I've never been bored. You know, we've had presidents graduate from this school. You okay?
RORY: What?
REPAIRMAN: You feeling okay?
RORY: Yes. I, um. . .yes. Thanks.
[Paris walks into the suite]
PARIS: Rory.
RORY: Paris, hi. You're back early.
PARIS: You're back early.
RORY: Just thought I'd get a jump on things. How was your trip?
PARIS: Great. I thought I'd come back early.
RORY: Same here. Where's your stuff?
PARIS: Well, I got back early.
RORY: I know.
PARIS: Early this morning, so I unpacked and then I went to visit my mom.
RORY: Is she good?
PARIS: She wasn't there. Jamie says hello.
RORY: Oh, good. Hello back at him. So, you guys have fun?
PARIS: I told you that on the phone.
RORY: I know. You have fun after that?
PARIS: Sure. The resort was beautiful. A little too star-studded. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart were there. They tongue kissed in public.
RORY: They're in love.
PARIS: Then she'd tickle his tummy and he'd giggle. It was foul.
RORY: To each his own.
PARIS: Well, I'll get out of your way.
RORY: You're not in my way. I'll get out of your way.
PARIS: You're not in my way.
RORY: Well, I'll just stay here, then.
PARIS: Good.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is in the kitchen eating from a pizza box at the counter. She closes the box and accidentally knocks it onto the floor]
LORELAI: End scene. sh**t.
[She starts cleaning it up off the floor and brushes some crumbs underneath the sink. Rory arrives home and walks into the kitchen]
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: [startled] Oh, God! Rory! Announce yourself!
RORY: Were you brushing dirt under the sink?
LORELAI: No, I am brushing crumbs under the sink.
RORY: You're a pig.
LORELAI: You're just learning that? Why are you here anyway?
RORY: Oh, crabby and dirty.
LORELAI: Well, I thought you were going to hang at school for some alone time.
RORY: Alone time suddenly included Paris.
LORELAI: Oh. I thought Paris was skiing with Jamie.
RORY: Paris is definitely not skiing, and Paris is definitely not with Jamie.
LORELAI: Hm, meaning?
RORY: [looking under the sink] There are little marshmallow Easter bunnies under here.
LORELAI: No, no, what did you mean when you said Paris was not with Jamie?
RORY: Paris is seeing somebody else.
LORELAI: Really? A psychiatrist?
RORY: A professor.
LORELAI: At Yale?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Oh, wow. Lorelai Gilmore, you've been holding out on me.
RORY: It's so weird. One minute, she's totally in love with Jamie and then the next, she's making out with a professor in a dark corner.
LORELAI: You saw them making out?
RORY: Apparently, the big game was big for everyone.
LORELAI: Well, wow. I can't believe Paris is doing an older man.
RORY: Who said doing? I didn't say doing. I just said kissing, that's it.
LORELAI: Rory, come on. When you're dating an older man, you're probably doing older-man things.
RORY: Oh, geez.
LORELAI: So what age are we talking here, like 35, 40? 45? 46? 47? 47½? 48?
RORY: Sixty!
LORELAI: What?! Shut up!
RORY: He went to school with Grandpa.
LORELAI: Sixty?
RORY: That's how they met. We were having lunch, he came by, Grandpa introduced them. She wanted to get an interview, and apparently, she got one.
LORELAI: Sixty? Like sixty-sixty?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, it's just. . .now I know who Woody Allen's next leading lady's gonna be.
RORY: And it's so annoying. I mean, she's hiding it from me, so I'm not supposed to know. I'm supposed to think that she's still with Jamie, which she's not.
LORELAI: Are you sure?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Intrigue.
RORY: I don't like intrigue, I don't want intrigue. I like Jamie. He's a nice guy. He's a patient guy. I mean, Paris should not be treating him like this.
LORELAI: Oh, honey, if she likes another guy, there's nothing you can do about it. Let us all remember Dean.
RORY: This is not the same as Dean. I did not cheat on Dean with an old guy.
LORELAI: Is the old guy married?
RORY: He was. He has kids, grown kids. He's a writer.
LORELAI: Well, what would the school say if they knew about this?
RORY: Yes, what about that? This guy's risking everything - his job, his reputation.
LORELAI: Yes, well. . .he'll always have Paris.
RORY: How long have you been waiting with that one?
LORELAI: I just had a feeling the opportunity would present itself eventually.
RORY: Maybe it's a phase. It'll pass.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, or he will.
[The phone rings and Lorelai answers]
LORELAI: Hello? What? Michel? Calm down. I can't understand you when you're not screaming hysterically. Well, okay, well, what are you. . .okay! Okay, I'll be right there. Goodbye. [hangs up] I gotta go.
RORY: Why? What's up?
LORELAI: Michel's spazzing.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: I don't know. Will you be here when I get back?
RORY: If you don't mind. Paris was getting out her potter's wheel as I was leaving.
LORELAI: Okay, I'll go pick up Chinese.
RORY: Or we can just eat what's under the sink.
LORELAI: Ah, the wit.
RORY: Get egg rolls.
LORELAI: All right, just watch out - old guys don't like 'em bossy.
RORY: Yeah, yeah.
CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks up to Sookie's house, where Michel is waiting out front]
MICHEL: You took so long! Why? You need to charter an airplane?
LORELAI: I came as quickly as I - ow!
MICHEL: Get in here.
LORELAI: What is going on?
MICHEL: Move quicker, please.
[Michel leads Lorelai into the house]
LORELAI: Is Sookie here?
MICHEL: She and the farmer went to see a movie.
LORELAI: Do they know you're here?
MICHEL: Yes, they do.
LORELAI: And they're okay with that?
MICHEL: This way, please.
[Michel pulls Lorelai into a bedroom]
LORELAI: Stop. What's going on? Why are we in the bedroom?
MICHEL: I offered to babysit.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, you did what?
MICHEL: I heard Sookie talking to the potato man about wanting to go out, and there was no one to watch the baby, so I offered to watch it for her.
LORELAI: It?
MICHEL: Him. Watch him for her.
LORELAI: And she let you?
MICHEL: Yes, she let me. So I came over, and the minute that she left, it started to cry.
LORELAI: It?
MICHEL: Him, he started to cry. He wouldn't stop. I did everything. I did the jiggle and the bouncy and the airplane, and then I even picked it up.
LORELAI: It?
MICHEL: Him, dammit, him! I picked him up, but it didn't matter. He wouldn't stop crying. So finally I invented a game.
LORELAI: What kind of game?
MICHEL: I called it baby crepe.
LORELAI: I don't think I know that one.
MICHEL: Well, it's quite ingenious. You get down here on the floor and then you roll him up in a blanket and then you pull it back and forth and back and forth. He loved it. He did not cry, he smiled, he giggled. He was having the time of his life. And then. . .
LORELAI: Oh no.
MICHEL: I pulled back the blanket a little too hard.
LORELAI: What?
MICHEL: And he rolled under the bed.
LORELAI: What?
MICHEL: And he got stuck.
LORELAI: Oh! Oh my God!
MICHEL: I tried to get him out, but I couldn't get him to grab the string, and then he fell asleep, and I worried if I woke him up, the screaming would start again.
LORELAI: I can't believe you rolled little Davey under the bed.
MICHEL: Davey?
LORELAI: Yes, Davey - Sookie's baby.
MICHEL: Is that his name? I've been calling him Truman.
LORELAI: Why?
MICHEL: I thought that's what his name was.
LORELAI: Where'd you get Truman from?
MICHEL: I don't know, I heard it wrong, okay? Do you think he's gonna hold this against me?
LORELAI: What, the man that rolled him under the bed? No, I think you're good. Oh, man, he really is sleeping. He looks so peaceful.
MICHEL: See? I made him happy.
LORELAI: We need to lift this bed and get him up.
[Michel starts to unbutton his shirt]
LORELAI: What are you doing?
MICHEL: Taking off my shirt.
LORELAI: Uh, what part of "lift the bed and get him out" translates to you taking off your shirt?
MICHEL: This is an expensive shirt.
LORELAI: No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not lifting the bed with a naked you.
MICHEL: I wasn't going to take off my pants.
LORELAI: Leave the shirt on.
MICHEL: It will wrinkle.
LORELAI: Not as much as it will if Sookie comes home and finds Truman under the bed. Now, uh, lift up here, and I'll get him out.
MICHEL: I can't hold this by myself. Are you crazy?
LORELAI: Okay, you hold that. Are you ready?
MICHEL: No!
[Michel holds up the bed while Lorelai picks up Davey off the floor]
LORELAI: Hey. Hey, Davey. I gotcha. You're snoozy, huh? Yeah.
MICHEL: How is he?
LORELAI: He's just fine. He's just fine. There you go. Just kick back, wait 'til Mommy gets home. [Lorelai puts Davey in his bassinet] Now please tell me what is going on here.
MICHEL: Nothing.
LORELAI: Why are you babysitting?
MICHEL: I -
LORELAI: You hate babies.
MICHEL: Not really.
LORELAI: You do not babysit ever. And yet here you are wearing your super-low-cut jeans making up baby games, and I want to know why.
MICHEL: I hate Tobin! He's a sniveling little sycophantic tushie kisser, and I hate him!
LORELAI: Michel!
MICHEL: He weasels his way into every area of my life. The only good thing about the Independence Inn burning down was that Tobin was gone, but yet, here he is, back. He's like the cat.
LORELAI: What cat?
MICHEL: The one that came back the very next day. You thought he was a goner, but the cat came back. He just wouldn't stay away.
LORELAI: Michel, you do not have to be jealous of Tobin.
MICHEL: He wants to replace me.
LORELAI: As what?
MICHEL: As everything. He wants to replace me in my entire life. He's going to keep worming his way in until you no longer find any reason to have me around.
LORELAI: You're being silly.
MICHEL: He's going to succeed. It doesn't matter that I have all the experience and the credentials and the history to run this inn. He likes the baby. He holds the baby. He doesn't roll the baby under the bed - he wins!
LORELAI: Oh, he does not win. Michel, this rivalry is in your head.
MICHEL: It is, huh?
LORELAI: Yes.
MICHEL: So you do not like Tobin better than me?
LORELAI: No. We like Tobin. We're addicted to you.
MICHEL: You are?
LORELAI: Yes. We asked you to come with us to the Dragonfly, didn't we? We love you, Michel, and as long as you stay far, far away from little Davey, we will continue loving you.
MICHEL: Oh. I can do that.
LORELAI: Good.
CUT TO YALE
[Rory and Paris are in the newspaper office making newspaper hats]
RORY: Okay, hold on. And. . .what do you think?
PARIS: It stinks.
RORY: Well, it's a newspaper hat. It's not supposed to spark a trend.
PARIS: There.
RORY: How'd you do that?
PARIS: Martha Stewart.
RORY: Martha Stewart actually did a segment on how to make a hat out of newspaper?
PARIS: Yes.
RORY: Oh. Well, it looks nice.
GLENN: Aah! What is this? Academically approved t*rture? Make your own hat - that's how you get on the paper? 'Cause that has what to do with anything?
RORY: Relax, Glenn.
PARIS: It's tradition.
GLENN: It's not tradition. It's hazing. Why don't they just handcuff us naked to a streetlamp wearing a sign that says, "honk if you like unbiased journalism"? I'm not doing it. They can't make me.
DOYLE: You don't wear the hat, you're not getting on the paper.
GLENN: I need another sheet.
DOYLE: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight represents a melding of the old and the new. For one night, identifying the two groups will be easy. The old will be the ones running around frantically trying to get out the latest issue of the Daily News, and the new will be the ones in the stupid hats. It's a much-beloved tradition that for one night, all night, you don a hat of your own making, wait on members of the paper while observing the inner working of the Yale Daily News. There's a lot of new, fresh talent sitting in this room tonight. Rory Gilmore, an unflinchingly honest reviewer who shows no mercy, but a great deal of dark wit in her pieces. Paris Geller, whose interview with Professor Asher Fleming was the most intimate and revealing portrait of a complicated man that I have ever read. Glenn Babble, whose cartoon commentaries on the American family prove that he was never hugged a day in his life. It's hard work being here, but it's an honor. You're working with the best of the best. From here, you can go t
PARIS: You know, you never told me what you thought of my article.
RORY: Um, what article?
PARIS: My interview with Asher Fleming. Did you read it?
RORY: I skimmed it.
PARIS: Oh, well, I have a copy in our room. I can give it to you tomorrow.
RORY: You're a good writer. I'm sure it's good.
PARIS: Yeah, but still, I'd like you to read it. I trust your opinion, and I'd like to be able to discuss it with you.
RORY: Look, we're supposed to be taking dinner orders, so. . .
[Paris' cell phone rings, and she answers]
PARIS: Hello? Hi.
DOYLE: [from across the room] No phone calls while you're wearing the hat!
PARIS: Hold on. [to Rory] I will be right back.
RORY: Where are you going? You're not supposed to leave while you're wearing the hat.
PARIS: I will be right back. [grabs her coat and sneaks out]
GLENN: It's a good thing high school had already beaten all the self-esteem out of me.
CUT TO JASON'S APARTMENT
[Lorelai and Jason walk in]
JASON: How could you talk through an entire movie?
LORELAI: Well, nothing else was happening.
JASON: An entire movie was happening. There were people in costumes and horses. Did you see the horses?
LORELAI: I did see the horses.
JASON: I thought you liked horses.
LORELAI: I do like horses, but they never let them talk.
JASON: Well, that's because this wasn't a talking-horse movie. You want some wine?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. You're vibing my movie-watching habits.
JASON: I am not vibing your habits. I'm merely saying that the large man in a wife beater sitting in front of us invited me into the lobby to discuss your habits, and had I accepted his charming invitation, I might be in traction right now.
LORELAI: Oh, please. You could totally have outrun him. You're spry. [Jason hands her a glass of wine] Thank you. So, this is your place.
JASON: This is it.
LORELAI: Hm. Interesting. Very, very interesting.
JASON: So, what's the verdict?
LORELAI: Well, you're not a tchotchke guy.
JASON: Yeah, I don't like too many objects around that have no obvious purpose.
LORELAI: The purpose of tchotchkes is to make you happy. They make you smile. They make a room seem fun and whimsical.
JASON: Well, I invite a clown over once a week to make the room feel fun and whimsical, so I feel all set in that department.
LORELAI: I thought you said you had a dog.
JASON: I do.
LORELAI: Where is he?
JASON: Over there. [he points to a dog sitting perfectly still in front of the fireplace]
LORELAI: Oh. He's cute. . .and very still.
JASON: Yeah, he's the best.
LORELAI: What is his name?
JASON: Cyrus.
LORELAI: Cyrus, sure. Perfect name for a dog. Cyrus. Hi, Cyrus. Is he breathing?
JASON: Yes. Cyrus was actually trained by the monks of New Skete.
LORELAI: Oh, wow.
JASON: He's incredibly well-behaved. He was housebroken in an hour. He has a two-bark minimum for delivery guys, three for everybody else, but the best thing about him is he doesn't do any of the standard "sit and lie down" commands. I taught him very special commands that only my dog could know.
LORELAI: Like what?
JASON: Uh, like. . .a little to the left.
LORELAI: Shut up.
JASON: Cyrus, a little to the left.
[Cyrus moves to the left]
LORELAI: What the hell's that good for?
JASON: Well, what the hell is "sit" good for?
LORELAI: When you sit, you get a cookie.
JASON: Well, when you move a little to the left, you get the satisfaction of knowing you are doing something, but you are not pandering for a dog bone.
LORELAI: Can he move a little to the right?
JASON: No, not yet. We just do a little to the left until he hits the wall, and then I turn him around.
LORELAI: You and your dog are extremely weird.
JASON: Thank you. [they kiss]
LORELAI: Thank you. [they kiss again] I'm not sure we're setting such a good example for Cyrus over there.
JASON: Oh, you might be right. Cyrus. . . [gestures for Cyrus to turn around, which he does]
LORELAI: Okay. Well, that one, I get. [they kiss again]
CUT TO YALE NEWSPAPER OFFICE
[Doyle is reviewing a student's article]
DOYLE: Every week, you argue with me.
STUDENT: But Doyle, it's a perfectly good article.
DOYLE: Hey, we don't do "perfectly good" here. You want to do "perfectly good," go to Harvard.
STUDENT: Jackass.
[The student walks away and passes Rory, who is carrying a container of ice cream]
STUDENT: Can you b*at him to death with that?
RORY: I don't think so. It's soft serve. [she walks over to Doyle] I got your ice cream.
DOYLE: What is this?
RORY: Strawberry ice cream.
DOYLE: It has strawberries in it.
RORY: I don't even know how to respond to that.
DOYLE: I wanted plain strawberry ice cream without chunks of strawberries in it. This has chunks.
RORY: I see one.
DOYLE: I can't eat this. Take it away.
RORY: Would you like me to get you something else?
DOYLE: No, just forget it. Fine. Bring it back.
RORY: Are you okay, Doyle?
DOYLE: Yes. Why wouldn't I be?
RORY: I don't know. You just seem a little bit annoyed tonight.
DOYLE: Well, I have an issue to put out with a big hole on the back page because my editorial writers chose to be unopinionated today!
RORY: And that's it?
DOYLE: And I got rejected for a job as Yale's stringer to Time magazine.
RORY: Ah, so, that explains it.
DOYLE: This is a major blow to my career, you know.
RORY: You're twenty.
DOYLE: These things can follow you, Rory. One day you're feeling good, you're the fair-haired boy, and the next day you're Schleprock.
RORY: You're not Schleprock, Doyle.
DOYLE: Tell that to my dad.
GLENN: Okay, I just have to say how amazingly unfair it is that I have a rubber band working its way into my brain, and Paris gets to bail.
RORY: Paris isn't here?
GLENN: No, she isn't.
DOYLE: You didn't know she left?
RORY: No, I knew that there was this thing with her family, um, that she was really concerned about. Well, you know she got that call, and her aunt is sick, and I heard her say something about going to the hospital so I think that's where she went.
DOYLE: All right. Well, come get me the minute she gets back.
RORY: I will.
CUT TO JASON'S APARTMENT
[Lorelai is lying in Jason's bed. Jason walks in with two glasses of water]
LORELAI: Hey, do you have a Cosmo lying around? 'Cause I wanna see how many calories I just b*rned off.
JASON: I've looked. It's 55.
LORELAI: Oh, no, it's way more than 55. I know what 55 is, and that, my friend, was not 55. [he hands her a glass of water] Thanks.
JASON: Are you cold? I could turn up the heat.
LORELAI: Oh, please, enough with the bragging.
JASON: So, you're good?
LORELAI: I'm good. I'm gonna fall asleep extremely happy tonight. Hi.
JASON: Hi back.
LORELAI: Are you thinking about joining me back here anytime soon?
JASON: Joining you. . .well. . .
LORELAI: Jason?
JASON: Okay, just remember, you like that I have little quirks.
LORELAI: Okay.
JASON: They're what make me me.
LORELAI: You're not gonna ask to wear my dress, are you?
JASON: No. Um, I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind sleeping in the guest room tonight.
LORELAI: Well. . .didn't see that one coming.
JASON: I am the world's lightest sleeper. I have chronic insomnia, so I just, I toss and I turn like a crazy person, and I can't sleep in the same bed with another person.
LORELAI: You're serious?
JASON: Yeah.
LORELAI: You want me to go in the guest room?
JASON: It's a really nice room.
LORELAI: You know, why don't I just go?
JASON: Oh, no, no, no, please, I swear, I want you to stay. I want to see you in the morning. I wanna make you breakfast. I want you to be here when I get up. Well, not here. . . in there, but -
LORELAI: You know, Jason, you don't have to go to all this trouble just to get me to leave.
JASON: I don't want you to leave.
LORELAI: I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth.
JASON: This is the truth.
LORELAI: It's fine, I have things I need to do tomorrow. I should probably go home anyhow.
JASON: Please, just look at the room. Just one look. A peek. You don't even have to use both eyes if you don't want to.
LORELAI: One look.
JASON: That's all I ask. Well, that, and you get out of the bed very slowly.
LORELAI: You know what, don't flirt with me. I'm finding you weird right now.
JASON: Fair enough. Here you go. [hands her a robe]
[they walk to the guest bedroom]
JASON: Here it is.
LORELAI: It's okay.
JASON: There are hundreds of great books in here, ranging from the classics - "Wuthering Heights" - to the real classics - "Valley of the Dolls."
LORELAI: Nice taste.
JASON: Fully loaded minibar - soda, candy, little bottles of hooch. A really great CD player, CD's down below, and a DVD library above.
LORELAI: DVD's but no TV?
JASON: Aha.
[Jason presses a button on a remote control, and a plasma television rises up from the foot of the bed]
JASON: Oh, come on, that is cool.
LORELAI: Okay, fine, it's cool. The room is good.
JASON: It's better than good. I would love this room.
LORELAI: Well, you do know you can have it, don't you?
JASON: I can't have any distractions in my room or I won't sleep.
LORELAI: Really?
JASON: That's right. TV, reading material, unbelievably gorgeous woman.
LORELAI: I should at least get billing over the TV.
JASON: It's plasma.
LORELAI: Oh, right.
JASON: So, what do you think?
LORELAI: Well. . .
JASON: There's Kiehl's products in the bathroom.
LORELAI: Jason, I promise, if I leave, it won't be that big a deal.
JASON: It'll be a very big deal to me. Please. Stay.
LORELAI: Okay.
JASON: Yes?
LORELAI: Yes. Freak.
JASON: Thank you. Even for the "freak," thank you. Uh, there's a loofah in the top drawer. Good night.
LORELAI: Good night.
[Lorelai climbs into the guest bed and turns on the television]
CUT TO YALE
[In the middle of the night, Rory is awakened by the sound of the suite door opening. She checks the clock and tries to go back to sleep. Paris walks into the room and purposely makes noise to try to wake Rory up.]
PARIS: Whew. It's late. Late, late, late, late, late, late, late. Don't you wanna know where I was?
RORY: No, I don't.
PARIS: I completely lost track of time. I guess I should remember to take a watch with me from now on. Man, when I got that call tonight, I had no idea it was gonna go this late. Yes, it was quite a night. Tonight. You're sure you don't wanna know where I was?
RORY: No, I don't wanna know where you were, and I don't wanna know what you were doing or who you were doing it with. I had to cover for you when Doyle noticed that you were gone, so I told him that you were at a family thing, and as far as I'm concerned, that's where you were - at your family thing. And in the future, I want nothing to do with anything to do with what you were doing tonight or who you were doing it with, especially who! Now, go to sleep.
PARIS: I smell like pipe tobacco.
RORY: Oh, jeez.
CUT TO JASON'S APARTMENT
[The next morning, Jason is cooking breakfast when Lorelai walks down the steps]
LORELAI: Hi, Cyrus.
JASON: Oh, good. Listen, would you still find me attractive if I were poor?
LORELAI: Um, no.
JASON: Ah, that's what I figured. Sleep good?
LORELAI: I watched "The Daily Show," fell into the best sleep I ever had, woke up, watched "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," and had a vanilla-scented jacuzzi bath.
JASON: Ah, so that's what the look on your face is. I thought it was from sex with me.
LORELAI: No, it's from the jacuzzi bath. Good morning.
JASON: Good morning. Uh, coffee's over here.
LORELAI: Thank you. Mm, the coffee smells good. Hey, can we, uh, not sleep together again tonight?
JASON: Absolutely. You want cheese in your eggs?
LORELAI: Why not? [sips her coffee] Mm, good.
JASON: I think we're ready to go.
[they walk to the table and sit down]
LORELAI: Wow, look what you've done here.
JASON: Well, I am trying to impress you. Trust me, once you're completely mad about me, it is back to corn flakes and beer.
LORELAI: This is lovely.
JASON: You are lovely.
LORELAI: [tastes the food] Very good.
JASON: Tomorrow I'll make blintzes.
LORELAI: Um, listen, we should talk about what we're gonna do.
JASON: About what?
LORELAI: I mean, you know, what we're gonna, uh, say to people about us.
JASON: Hm, how about "yahoo"?
LORELAI: No, I'm talking about what we're gonna say to my parents about us.
JASON: Oh, well, I thought we'd say that we're having repeated sexual encounters out of wedlock continuously as catholic schoolchildren are walking by.
LORELAI: Perfect.
JASON: No, you know. . .we like each other, we're dating - pretty simple.
LORELAI: Nothing is simple when it comes to my parents.
JASON: Okay, what do you want to say?
LORELAI: I'd like to say nothing.
JASON: Nothing?
LORELAI: I mean, it isn't really any of their business anyhow, is it?
JASON: Uh, no, but we can't just say nothing.
LORELAI: It'll cause too many problems if they know.
JASON: In my experience, these things have a way of coming out.
LORELAI: How?
JASON: I don't know. Somebody slips up.
LORELAI: I never slip up. I'm completely non-slip. I'm like one of those rubber mats you stick in the bottom of the tub.
JASON: Why can't we tell your parents about this?
LORELAI: I just think it's weird. You're in business with my father and he won't like this.
JASON: He'll get used to it.
LORELAI: My father has never gotten used to anything. He still misses diesel fuel, for God's sake.
JASON: You don't find it exhausting, keeping secrets? You have to watch everything you say.
LORELAI: I always have to watch everything that I say around my parents anyway.
JASON: Okay, how about we just tell one of them, just to see how that goes?
LORELAI: Please, Jason. We will tell them eventually, I promise, just not now.
JASON: Okay. They're your parents, and if you feel that strongly, then we'll wait.
LORELAI: Thank you. [picks up a piece of bacon] Hey, um, can I feed this to Cyrus?
JASON: Sure. [calls to the dog] Hey, Cyrus, you want the bacon?
[Cyrus doesn't move]
LORELAI: That is one strange dog, Jason.
JASON: Yup.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai walks up to the front door and rings the doorbell. Suddenly several people walk up behind her]
MAN: Excuse me. Do you know how much longer it's going on?
LORELAI: [confused] Uh. . .no. . .uh. . .
[A woman answers the door]
DORRIE: Well, hello.
MAN: Are we too late?
DORRIE: No, of course not.
MAN: Good.
DORRIE: May I have your ticket, please?
LORELAI: I don't have a ticket.
DORRIE: Well, you can't take the tour without a ticket.
[Emily walks over]
EMILY: Excuse me, Dorrie, this is my daughter.
DORRIE: Oh! Well, hello there.
LORELAI: Hi.
EMILY: Come in, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Okay. [to the people behind her] Bye. [walks into the house] Mom, what is going on?
EMILY: We let the Historical Society use our house for a walking tour. It's for a good cause, and I am never doing it again.
[They walk to the dining room, where Richard and Rory are sitting at the table]
RICHARD: It was supposed to end at five o'clock, Emily.
EMILY: I know that, Richard. What do you want me to do, throw them out?
RICHARD: This is not how it's done. This is not how proper charities work. You do not infringe on people's lives. You make a plan and stick to it.
[The tour group walks past the dining room]
TOURIST: Oh, look. They hired actors to be the family. How clever.
RICHARD: We are not actors!
EMILY: Richard, please.
DORRIE: Oh no, folks, this is not part of the tour. Sorry, Emily. [ushers the tour group away]
EMILY: That's quite all right, Dorrie.
RICHARD: It is not all right, Dorrie.
EMILY: Richard, just ignore it and pass the carrots.
RICHARD: This is lunacy. I feel as if I was in a zoo.
LORELAI: Well, Dad, you know what monkeys do when they don't like people staring at them in the zoo.
RICHARD: No, I don't.
EMILY: And you don't want to.
LORELAI: How do you know?
EMILY: I can just tell.
[Someone starts playing the piano in another room]
RICHARD: Don't play that piano! Don't you see the sign? There was supposed to be a sign.
EMILY: There is a sign.
RICHARD: Well, it's not a very good sign.
DORRIE: [from another room] The house was built in 1906 by Stanford White.
RICHARD: That's it. [leaves the room] The house was built in 1907, and he was a protégé of Stanford White.
EMILY: I'm getting a migraine. [follows after Richard]
LORELAI: So, you're a full-fledged newspaper-woman now.
RORY: Yes, I am.
LORELAI: Congratulations.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Now you gotta get yourself a nickname like Smitty and start talking really fast.
RORY: Faster than I already do?
LORELAI: Hey, whatever it takes.
[Emily and Richard return to the dining room]
EMILY: What where you going to do, h*t the man?
RICHARD: He went into my desk!
EMILY: He was 85 years old.
RICHARD: Well, it's never too late to learn a lesson. This is it, Emily. I mean it.
EMILY: I know you do, Richard.
RICHARD: The next time you plan a function, we will rent a hall and do it properly, like the fibromyalgia function last night. That is the proper way to raise money.
LORELAI: You went to a function last night, you had a function tonight. . .
EMILY: We didn't host the one last night. We were just guests.
RORY: Was it fun?
EMILY: It was fine.
RICHARD: It wasn't here. It was perfect.
EMILY: The food was terrible. The fact that people still insist on serving paella is simply beyond me. However, the room looked lovely.
RICHARD: And the music was excellent.
EMILY: And the guest list was very good - a lovely group of people, except for. . .
RICHARD: Emily!
EMILY: Would it have hurt the woman to buy an undergarment?
LORELAI: [gasps] Who?
RICHARD: She was a very nice girl. I wouldn't request to see her thesis on anything, but she was charming and a good dancer.
LORELAI: Who's the dumb girl without the underwear?
EMILY: Jason's date.
LORELAI: Jason brought a date?
EMILY: And I had to sit next to her all night. Oh, the fascinating time we had. I know all the best places to get my acrylics filled.
RICHARD: Your mother is a snob. She was quite beautiful.
LORELAI: She was, huh?
EMILY: Well, she's perfect for Jason, I will say that.
LORELAI: So, how beautiful was she? Are we talking Catherine Zeta-Jones or the weird-looking Hilton sister?
EMILY: She looks like exactly the kind of gold digger who would latch onto an immature little con artist like Jason.
RICHARD: My goodness, Emily, tell us how you really feel about the boy.
LORELAI: But when you say gold digger, do you mean she was cheap-looking?
EMILY: Yes.
RICHARD: No.
LORELAI: So is he serious about this girl?
EMILY: Oh, who can tell? She looks like a perfectly fine first wife for him.
LORELAI: Huh.
[Someone plays the piano in another room]
RICHARD: Now the old man is just baiting me. [storms off] What did I tell you about the piano?
CUT TO THE DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai, Sookie, and Michel walk through the inn, which is still under construction]
LORELAI: You know, we don't have to put the reception area over there.
MICHEL: I just want to know where my office is going to be.
LORELAI: Fonzie used the bathroom as his office.
SOOKIE: Yeah, what are you saying, that what's good enough for the Fonz isn't good enough for you?
LORELAI: Yeah.
MICHEL: Fonzie used that bathroom office only intermittently and not for any business for which he was paid. He had use of a private office at the auto shop he worked at, then access to the teachers' lounge where he taught night school part time.
LORELAI: Oh my God, you're taking this Fonzie thing way too seriously.
[Jason walks in]
JASON: Lorelai, am I interrupting?
LORELAI: Oh, hey, what are you doing here?
JASON: Uh, I was on my way to New York, and I wanted to see this inn you're always talking about.
LORELAI: Oh, well, uh, sure.
SOOKIE: Hello, I'm Sookie.
LORELAI: Um, Sookie's my partner here.
JASON: Hi, Sookie, I'm Jason Stiles.
SOOKIE: Yes, you are.
MICHEL: Uh, Michel Gerard.
LORELAI: And Michel is the manager of the Dragonfly.
JASON: It's nice to meet you.
LORELAI: Okay, so, um, I'm just gonna show Jason around.
MICHEL: Take your time.
LORELAI: Follow me.
[Lorelai and Jason walk out to the front yard]
JASON: Your friends seem really nice.
LORELAI: Oh, they're the best.
JASON: So, who do they think I am?
LORELAI: What do you mean?
JASON: Well, did you tell 'em we're dating or do they think I make your hats?
LORELAI: They know who you are.
JASON: This place is really great.
LORELAI: Yeah, you think?
JASON: I do.
LORELAI: Good, that's good.
JASON: Um, you seem a little distracted. Did I come at a bad time?
LORELAI: No, you came at a perfect time.
JASON: Perfect time for. . .
LORELAI: I heard you went to a function the other night.
JASON: Ah, fibromyalgia - a very dull disease.
LORELAI: I also heard you didn't go alone.
JASON: No, I didn't.
LORELAI: So, you brought a date?
JASON: Yes, I did.
LORELAI: Okay, good. Well, that's good, I'm glad. Um, my mother said she didn't wear any underwear.
JASON: Emily didn't wear any underwear?
LORELAI: Your date didn't wear any underwear.
JASON: Oh, I don't know that for a fact, but if Emily said so, far be it from me to call her a liar.
LORELAI: Huh, okay. Hey, you wanna see the s*ab?
JASON: Uh, sure.
LORELAI: Well, there they are. Well, tour's over. Bathroom's to the left.
JASON: You wanna tell me what you're bothered about?
LORELAI: We're sleeping together, and you're taking bare-butted women to functions?
JASON: Crystal is just a friend -
LORELAI: A friend named Crystal? Who are you, Hugh Hefner?
JASON: Whoa, whoa, wait a sec. I would have much rather taken you to that function. Trust me, Crystal is very sweet, but the mocking of the sick is completely beyond her capabilities. But you told me in no uncertain terms that your parents were not supposed to know about us, and since this is a function your parents would be attending, I thought taking you would be out of the question.
LORELAI: Well, you could've gone alone.
JASON: You don't go to these things alone. There are two seats and you're expected to fill them.
LORELAI: Well, you could've told me so I wasn't blindsided by my parents.
JASON: See, this is what I mean about keeping secrets. It never works. Let's just tell your parents, then we never have to have this conversation again. Lorelai, I am in a business where there are lots of functions. I have to go to those functions, and I don't want to take other people, but I'm gonna have to if you won't let me say something to your father. I have no interest in spending a second of my time with any other woman but you. And Eartha Kitt.
LORELAI: Well, sure.
JASON: So, what do you say? Can we end the madness and tell your parents?
LORELAI: No.
JASON: No?
LORELAI: I know it's tricky to keep this a secret, but I just don't think it's time to tell them yet. And if that means that I have to adjust, then I have to adjust. And now that you've told me how you feel, I think it's fine if you take Crystal to these functions.
JASON: Well, it's fine for you - you don't have to talk to the woman.
LORELAI: Oh, sorry.
JASON: Hey, maybe you don't understand. It's like beating your head against a wall with spikes.
LORELAI: [laughs] Wanna see the apple trees?
JASON: She thinks that Babe can really talk.
LORELAI: Aw.
CUT TO YALE
[Rory is in a classroom waiting for class to start. A student rushes in and sits down next to her]
STUDENT: Contemporary Political Fiction?
RORY: Yes.
STUDENT: Oh, good. I swore this semester would be different. I would get to class on time. I would finish my assignments on time. I would do everything on time. [gasps] I left my purse on the bench.
[The student jumps up and rushes toward the door, bumping into Professor Fleming as he enters the room]
PROFESSOR FLEMING: I haven't started speaking yet.
RORY: [to another student] Asher Fleming is teaching this course?
STUDENT: I know. Isn't it cool?
[Professor Fleming recognizes Rory and walks over to her]
PROFESSOR FLEMING: Ah, Rory Gilmore. We meet again.
RORY: Hello, Professor Fleming.
PROFESSOR FLEMING: You're taking this class?
RORY: Yes, I am.
PROFESSOR FLEMING: Wonderful. I look forward to it. After all, it seems very natural, doesn't it? Especially since you and I have someone very important in common, hm? Your grandfather. Good man.
RORY: Yes, sir. Very good.
PROFESSOR FLEMING: All right, well, let's get settled. The class is Contemporary Political Fiction. I am Professor Fleming. All those in the wrong class, please leave. How do you know you're in the wrong class? If you do not enjoy a good argument, if you find it difficult to voice a differing opinion, and if you cannot appreciate an intelligently cloaked insult, then you're in the wrong class. If all of these things appeal to you, then you are in for an interesting semester. I'll be handing out the reading lists.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x10 - The Nanny and the Professor"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Sheila R. Lawrence and Janet Leahy
directed by Michael Grossman
transcript by Robin McDonagh
OPEN, CHURCH FUNERAL
[Miss Patty sings solemnly to the town sitting in pews]
RORY: [Sniffles]
LORELAI: Kleenex. [Hands her a Kleenex.]
RORY: I'm gonna miss Stan.
LORELAI: I know, I'm gonna miss him too.
RORY: He was so cute, with his fedora and his Hush Puppies. Everyday, the fedora and the Hush Puppies.
LORELAI: Yeah, if he just would have added some pants.
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
RORY: 'Cause you wouldn't want a downer funeral.
LORELAI: Ok, we're being serious now.
SOOKIE: You remember every Tuesday, Stan came to the Independence Inn for lunch?
LORELAI: I remember.
SOOKIE: That was a total waste because he couldn't eat dairy, or salt, or meat, so he basically just came in every week for a salad, with no oil, and no mushrooms. [Quietly] He hated mushrooms.
RORY: [Choking up] I hate mushrooms too.
LORELAI: [Giving a Kleenex to Rory] Oh, here you go. [To Sookie] You know, he called last week and made the first lunch reservation at the Dragonfly.
RORY: He did?
SOOKIE: Don't cancel it.
LORELAI: No, of course not. We'll save a seat for Stan.
RORY: [Choking up again] Save him a seat...
[Patty finishes singing, the rabbi now steps up to the platform]
RABBI: You'll find The Mourners' Kaddish on page 453. "May his illustrious name become increasingly great and holy...
LORELAI: Hey, did you ever notice that in Stars Hollow death comes in fives?
RORY: Do not try to lighten the mood!
LORELAI: I'm not, it's true!
SOOKIE: It is?
LORELAI: Yeah, last year: Chester Thompson, Sarah Merrymen, Fran, and the Dublin twins.
SOOKIE: That's right.
LORELAI: Yeah, year before: Chuck O'Mishner, Santos Perez Jr, Santos Perez Sr -
SOOKIE: [Gasps] ...Perry Lewis and Charlie Slater, you're right!
LORELAI: And now, Pinochle Downs, Mr. Angelotopolous -
SOOKIE: Mrs. Krenz!
LORELAI: And Stan.
RORY: Wait a minute, that's only four.
LORELAI: It is only four.
SOOKIE: That means the fifth hasn't happened yet.
RABBI: Blessed, praised, glorified, exalted -
SOOKIE: Number five could be in this room right now.
LORELAI: Oh, no.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Hank Krutzman!
RORY: Hank Krutzman?
SOOKIE: Why would it be Hank Krutzman?
LORELAI: Because he's 110!
RORY: [In disbelief] Hank's 110?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Why would you say that?
LORELAI: Because, that's the age you say when someone is really old.
RORY: I don't.
LORELAI: What age do you say?
RORY: I say the age they are, otherwise I would seem cruel and insensitive.
LORELAI: Fine, the point is he is very, very old.
RORY: Well that doesn't make him number five.
LORELAI: I don't know...
SOOKIE: Hank Krutzman. He was such a happy guy.
LORELAI: He had such a good life.
SOOKIE: He owned those horses.
LORELAI: He loved his golf.
RORY: Stop!
LORELAI: What?
RORY: You guys just eulogized Hank! He's not even d*ad yet.
RABBI: At this time, I would like to call up Stan's dear friend and fellow Rotary Club member, Reverand Skinner.
LORELAI: Ok, but if we do think it's Hank -
RORY: We don't think it's Hank.
SOOKIE: Why not?
RORY: Because if we think it's Hank, and then something happens and it turns out to be Hank, then we caused it.
LORELAI: She's right.
SOOKIE: It's not Hank.
RORY: So now, let's just focus on Stan because he's d*ad, and we had nothing to do with that.
LORELAI: Fine.
SOOKIE: Right.
REVEREND SKINNER: My good friend Stan Green lived here for 56 years. He loved this town and it's friendly people, charming stores and beautiful church bells. Now, many of you don't remember the church bells. They fell into disrepair about 20 years ago and have been quiet ever since. But Stan remembered those bells, and it was his wish that they ring out over Stars Hollow once again, so he generously bequeathed the funds to make that dream come true. [The church whispers excitedly.] We're going to restore the bells in honor of our dear friend Stan, and every time they ring we'll think of him. He will be missed, but never forgotten.
RORY: [Crying into her Kleenex] Oh, Stan.
RABBI: Thank you, Reverend. [Shakes his hand] And now, please join us in saying goodbye at the cemetery.
[Everyone stands and makes their way to the door]
SOOKIE: That's so sweet.
LORELAI: Yeah, do you remember the bells?
SOOKIE: No, it was before my time.
LORELAI: Me too, sounds great.
MISS PATTY: Oh, they were fantastic. One of my most romantic memories happened during those bells.
RORY: Your first kiss?
MISS PATTY: Uh, sure. Oh-kay.
[Hank Krutzman stumbles and falls behind them]
LORELAI: Oh, no!
SOOKIE: Hank!
LORELAI: Okay. He's okay, he's okay.
RORY: Oh, thank god.
LORELAI: We are going to be very stressed out for the rest of Hank's life.
RORY: Serves us right for making him the fifth.
LORELAI: Hey, we did not make him the fifth, we do not have the power.
SOOKIE: Yeah, we just speculated.
LORELAI: Yeah, that was it, for all we know anyone could be the fifth.
SOOKIE: That's right, it could be anyone. I mean Taylor, or Reggie, or Andrew or Kirk.
[Kirk falls into the flowers and hits the ground]
KIRK: OW! Oh! Going dark, going dark!
LORELAI: We are the Witches of Eastwick.
[Opening Credits]
GILMORE GARAGE
[Lane's band is practicing. They are finishing a song.]
LANE: Yeah!
BRAIN: Perfect.
GIL: That middle-A drum roll was awesome!
LANE: So keep it?
GIL: Keep it!
LANE: Zach, you seem less than thrilled?
GIL: Yeah man, you look like my seven year old when she's all grumpy-puss.
ZACH: Look, far be it from me to complain -
BRIAN: Since when?
ZACH: Don't be a putz.
BRAIN: But you complain a lot.
ZACH: I just think we're a little too on the b*at, that's all.
LANE: Too on the b*at. That's crazy.
BRIAN: How can we be too on the b*at?
LANE: We should be off the b*at?
ZACH: Hey, fine, sorry I brought it up. Let's just play perfectly on the b*at and add a laser show and a flute and be "prog" rock, if that's what you want.
LANE: We're just trying to figure out what you mean, Zach. So, we're too perfect?
ZACH: I think.
BRIAN: Are we practicing too much?
LANE: We don't practice too much, we're just good.
ZACH: I don't want to sound all fake and computerized, alright? I don't wanna be N*Sync.
GIL: [Slowly] N*Sync, what's that?
BRIAN: N*Sync is one of those sucky boy-bands.
GIL: Oh, I'm rock and roll, I don't know anything about boy-bands.
ZACH: I don't either, I've just read about them.
LANE: You read about N*Sync?
BRIAN: What are they, like a guilty pleasure for you or something?
GIL: Hey, if we're getting confessional and all, I kinda like Simon and Garfunkel.
LANE: I've always had this thing for Fleetwood Mac, I'm embarrassed to say.
BRIAN: [Shyly] Sarah McLachlan. [Puts a hand on Zachs shoulder.] So, N*Sync?
ZACH: [Shrugs off his hand] I'm not into N*Sync!. I just read a lot about music, and I've read about them, and I don't read, I skim!
GIL: Hey, as far as the b*at goes, we can loosen things up a bit. I mean, I know I can.
ZACH: That's all I'm saying. A little more Stones, a little less Kraftwerk.
GIL: Well, are we takin' a break now? I gotta make a call.
LANE: Yeah, let's take a break. [Gil leaves] You're so mean to him.
ZACH: No, I'm not.
LANE: He knows exactly who you're talking about, and he's so nice.
BRIAN: Yeah, I mean he gets here early, he brings sandwiches from his shop.
ZACH: Never an Italian sub with pickles, which is what I like, I must say.
LANE: I would rather you gave me the hard time instead of Gil, since I'm the one who let him in the band.
ZACH: Hey, we all let him in, we're a democracy, we all let him in the band.
LANE: Fine, we all let him in, so we should all remember that.
[Gil runs into the garage]
GIL: You guys are not going to believe this, not in a million years.
LANE: Xander win a soccer match?
GIL: No, that's at 4:00 tomorrow. We, the band, are booked ... at CBGB's.
ZACH: We're what?
GIL: Dude, we have a gig at CBGB's.
LANE: CBGB's in New York?
GIL: No, in Hackensack. Joke, dudes, the one in New York.
LANE: Oh My God!
ZACH: Gil, come on, are you serious?
GIL: Dude, I am always serious about rock and roll.
LANE: How did this happen?
GIL: My buddy Pete works sound there? I got him a tape, he slipped it to the booker, and BAM, we're in.
LANE: Holy bam!
BRIAN: I need my inhaler.
GIL: Now, it's not a great slot; It's 1:00 on a Tuesday night.
LANE: Who cares? It's CBGB's!
BRIAN: The Ramones started there!
ZACH: Wow.
LANE: Blondie, Sonic Youth, Television, Talking Heads...the list goes on and on.
GIL: I said yes. It's okay to say yes? [Lane looks at him in disbelief before grabbing and hugging him] I guess it's okay...
BRAIN: [Puffs his inhaler and gives Gil a thumbs up.]
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
[The ground is covered in snow, and children make snowmen and snow angels as Lorelai and Rory walk along the sidewalk.]
LORELAI: Sure is pretty, isn't it?
RORY: Yes, it is.
LORELAI: I love the first snow of the year.
RORY: I know, me too, although this isn't actually the first snow of the year.
LORELAI: It isn't?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: What happened to the first snow of the year?
RORY: I had a philosophy final.
LORELAI: Oh, right.
RORY: And the second snow of the season was on Wednesday.
LORELAI: Yeah, I had my walkthrough of the inn.
RORY: So, actually this is the third snow of the season.
LORELAI: Fourth, the third was on Saturday.
RORY: It was? Why didn't you call me?
LORELAI: Because, it happened in the middle of the night.
RORY: Well, you still could have called me.
LORELAI: In the middle of the night?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: You wanted me to call you, at Yale, in the middle of the night so I could say, "Hey, drive 20 miles to stand in the snow with Mommy?"
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: And then take the craziest mother-daughter title from Judy and Liza.
RORY: So fourth snow of the season.
LORELAI: Yup.
RORY: Still pretty.
LORELAI: Yes, we are. [The bells begin to ring from the church.] The bells, they fixed the bells.
RORY: Oh, Stan.
[Reverend Skinner looks up from the church stairs. People emerge from stores and children stop playing to listen. As the bells finish, people applaud.]
LORELAI: See, if we had taken our traditional "first snow of the season" walk, we wouldn't have heard the bells.
RORY: Bless our oppressive schedules. I have to go drop something off at Lane's.
LORELAI: Good, 'cause I have to go drop something off at Luke's. [Begins to cross the street]
RORY: What?
LORELAI: [Turns around.] I'm just dropping off some stuff, and a few things and -
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: I need coffee.
RORY: I'll meet you there.
LORELAI: Hurry, we can come back out for the bells in half an hour.
RORY: Order me some coffee, a muffin and some onion rings.
LORELAI: Look what I pass on to the next generation.
RORY: Eating habits from Hades.
LORELAI: [Calling after her] Love that DNA!
KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Lane and other students from the Adventist College sit in chairs in a small circle]
MARLA: Pursue an interview with a distinguished leader with great influence on the community state or nation.
LANE: Well, that sounds like it should be interesting. Who should we interview? [Jordan raises a finger] Oh, Jordan!
JORDAN: Pastor Cho is available.
LANE: Yes! [Mock enthusiasm] Pastor Cho would be interesting and …convenient since his house is right on campus, so okay, good option in Pastor Cho. Any other suggestions?
ANDY: [Eagerly] Assistant Pastor Eric?
LANE: Yes. Assistant Pastor Eric, also a fine idea, he lives next door to Pastor Cho. Would anyone like to think outside the clergy?
MARLA: Why?
JORDAN: Pastor Cho did it last year.
MARLA: Pastor Cho does it every year.
LANE: So then perhaps Pastor Cho might like a rest?
ANDY: Then it would be Assistant Pastor Eric!
LANE: Hey, I have an idea. How about we send a letter to Bill Clinton. It's probably be a long sh*t, but you never know!
MARLA: Bill Clinton?
LANE: Yeah!
JORDAN: But Pastor Cho is expecting our call.
ANDY: Unless he's sick, in which case it would be Assistant Pastor Eric!
LANE: Yes, but I -
MRS. KIM.: Lane! Rory is here to see you.
[Rory stands near the door with a large book in her arms]
LANE: Rory! Hi, and bless you.
RORY: Lane! Hi and … thank you.
LANE: Rory, this is Andy, Sarah, Jill, Marla and Jordan.
RORY: Nice to meet you all. I didn't mean to interrupt, I just wanted to return your book and get another one.
LANE: Oh, of course. [To Mrs. Kim] I'll be right back
MRS. KIM: Please hurry, the tea is almost ready.
LANE: I will.
[Enters her room and Rory follows.]
LANE: So, how did you like it?
[Rory opens the book to reveal a hollow space where a CD is hidden.]
RORY: It's great, I b*rned a copy for my Mom.
LANE: You know, its people like you who are destroying the music industry!
RORY: Oh, now. Britney's gotta shoulder some of the blame.
[Lane opens up one of her floorboards]
LANE: Let me see. How about The New p*rn?
RORY: Sold. [Lane hands her a CD, and Lane opens another floorboard to return the CD Rory borrowed] So, it's quite a lively bunch you got down there.
LANE: Oh yeah, I'm kind of worried, all of those breakables.
RORY: What are you working on?
LANE: Oh, the usual: how to avoid any contact with the outside world.
RORY: Hmm, those guys must really be screwing up the curve.
LANE: Yes, it's annoying.
RORY: Everyday?
LANE: Yes, but I could care less because today, all I can think about is the gig! I mean, I can't believe it! I'm actually going to be on stage at [high pitched] CBGBs!
RORY: I know, but how are you going to [high pitched] get there?
LANE: Oh, I will get there. As we speak, I am working on the perfect alibi.
RORY: Oh, what do ya got so far?
LANE: [motions for Rory to sit] Mama, may I run something past you? That's it.
RORY: I like it.
LANE: Yeah, so I was originally gonna start with "Can I run something past you," but I thought the may I added a certain level of respect.
RORY: I agree. However, you now need to add an excuse.
LANE: [pacing] I've come up with lots of, you know, mid-afternoon and evening alibis, but so far no 1:00 AM alibis.
RORY: You can always tell your Mom that you're sleeping over at my dorm.
LANE: She knows they're co-ed. By the way, she's praying for you. So, you wanna borrow the new Sparks?
RORY: Please! Oh, now how about this? Tell your Mom that you're taking an astronomy class, and you have to go on a field trip to look at the stars.
LANE: There are no astronomy classes at Adventist College. That would imply the universe is old.
RORY: Not a lot of loopholes in your world, huh?
LANE: It's okay, I'll come up with something. My entire life has been a training session for this very event.
RORY: I have faith in you.
LANE: Thank you.
[They head to the door. Lane stops Rory.]
LANE: Wait! [Lane takes out a new book cover to make it look like Rory has borrowed a new book]
RORY: Oop! Getting a little sloppy, there.
[They get the cover on the book when the door bursts open.]
MRS. KIM: Lane! Your classmates are waiting.
LANE: Sorry, Mama.
RORY: Um, well, I gotta go. Thank you for the book. Bye, Mrs. Kim.
MRS. KIM: Wait! [Rory stops. Mrs. Kim takes the book and looks at the cover] "Jane -- One woman's harrowing journey to God." Good choice!
RORY: Thank you, ma'am. [Hurries out]
YALE
[Rory and Paris are walking through the hallways]
PARIS: Smart move, jumping on my bandwagon with the International Relations Association.
RORY: Like I had a choice.
PARIS: What?
RORY: You dragged me here, Paris.
PARIS: You'll thank me when you're interviewing for grad school in a few years and find those waifish looks of yours aren't quite as charming.
RORY: Whatever that means.
PARIS: It means these kind of clubs look good on your resumé.
RORY: You know what also looks good on a resumé? Passing your classes.
PARIS: No one studies more than you do, you're fine. Now, remember to argue, even if you have nothing to say, or add, be vocal. Very few people in lifelisten to what anyone else says anyhow. It's all about volume.
RORY: Can I ask why you're suddenly so interested in international relations? You're pre-med.
PARIS: It's critical to step out of one's major and experience our worlds sweeping expanse. Plus, a certain fellow told me about it.
RORY: Okay, enough with that.
PARIS: [Looks at the advisor for the discussion] Oh, this is too much. [She signs her name to a clipboard.]
RORY: What?
PARIS: Our advisor, Professor Friedman.
RORY: You know her? [Rory signs as well]
PARIS: Of her. Her daughter was busted last spring by New Haven police for growing pot in their basement, right during harvest season. Strangely, it never made the papers.
RORY: Then how do you know about it?
PARIS: A certain fellow told me.
RORY: I have got to stop asking questions.
[They walk around the table. Rory looks over and sees the guy she asked out for coffee in the laundry room enter. Rory looks at him, but he catches her eye and she quickly looks away, embarrassed. ]
LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk is sitting at one end of the counter while Luke is leaning over the counter at the opposite side, looking at some papers.]
KIRK: Luke?
LUKE: [Irritated] Yeah, Kirk.
KIRK: What time is it?
LUKE: I'm not saying, Kirk.
KIRK: Why not?
LUKE: Because I just told you 30 seconds ago!
KIRK: More like 45 seconds if you add in all the bickering.
LUKE: [Sighs] 3:58.
KIRK: Only two minutes until the bells.
LUKE: Unless of course, I'm fast.
KIRK: You're cruel at times, Luke.
LUKE: Only when poked with a stick.
[Lorelai walks in and sits at a stool.]
LORELAI: Coffee, big cup and hello!
KIRK: Lorelai, what time do you have?
LUKE: Do not tell him. He already knows.
KIRK: I do not!
LUKE: If you just wait for the bells, then you'll get to hear the bells, and then you'll know what time it is.
KIRK: Actually, that's not true. The other day I stood too close to the bells and they rang so loud that there's now a persistent ringing in my ears. Now I can't tell which are the church bells and which are the Kirk bells.
LORELAI: [Mock concern] Oh, no. Did you go to the doctor?
KIRK: Yes, he said I have tinnitis. I looked it up on the web at "Celebrities Who Share Your Disease" and found that William Shatner is likewise afflicted.
LORELAI: Really, Kirk and Captain Kirk?
KIRK: The irony wasn't lost on me. [He hears Luke place two plates onto a table. Looking up,] Was that them?
LUKE: Relax, the church bells will be the loud obnoxious ones. [Walks behind the counter.]
LORELAI: Uhp somebody doesn't like bells.
LUKE: Not everyone likes bells.
LORELAI: No, actually they do.
LUKE: They enjoy the constant interruptions of conversations, the monotonous drone of the same tones, hour after hour?
LORELAI: Yes! Can you believe it? These are the same freaks who also like sunsets and the moon and the stars … [Sees Luke ruffling through the papers again.] What are the paint chips for?
LUKE: Oh, I'm just doing some painting.
LORELAI: Oh, really? You're not gonna collect and trade them amongst your friends? What are you painting?
LUKE: Um, our apartment.
LORELAI: You and I, we're getting an apartment?
LUKE: No. Me and Nicole. We're getting an apartment.
LORELAI: [pause] Oh! That's great. When?
LUKE: When what?
LORELAI: Well, when are you getting an apartment?
LUKE: Three weeks ago.
LORELAI: Three weeks … You moved already?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: Huh. Uh, wow. So, where is the apartment?
LUKE: Litchfield. [Walks around the counter]
LORELAI: [Taken aback] You moved to Litchfield?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: [Turning to face him] Three weeks ago you moved to Litchfield?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: Litchfield is another county.
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: Well, [sighs as she turns again and he goes behind the counter.] Three weeks ago you moved to another county?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: Well, were you gonna mention this to me anytime soon?
LUKE: Sure.
LORELAI: When?
LUKE: When it came up.
LORELAI: When it came up.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Okay, so if I hadn't asked for the next twenty or thirty years and I sent you a nice fruit basket upstairs you just never would have gotten it.
LUKE: It's not that big a deal.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: I mean it's not like we tell each other everything.
LORELAI: No! Of course we don't! I mean, I tore a pair of panty hose this morning and I didn't tell you about it. Oh wait, I guess I just did.
LUKE: Hey, you know now, right?
LORELAI: Yeah. Right.
LUKE: Look, nothing's changed.
LORELAI: Yeah nothing's changed, except you don't live here!
LUKE: So what?
LORELAI: So? I don't even have your phone number.
LUKE: I'll give you my phone number.
LORELAI: I don't even know what you live in! An apartment, a trailer, a batcave -
LUKE: A townhouse.
LORELAI: A townhouse? Sure, 'cause when I look at you I think "common driveway".
LUKE: It's fine, you'll come over and see it eventually.
LORELAI: Will I? Will I come over, because me coming over implies we're friends!
LUKE: We are friends!
LORELAI: No, we're not! We're not friends! Friends tell each other at least the most basic things like where you live and when you moved away. I thought we were friends but I guess we're not! [Stands and reaches for her coat.]
LUKE: Where are you going?
LORELAI: I can't stay! [Leaves]
LUKE: [Calling after her] Lorelai! [The bells ring.] Damn bells!
YALE
[Rory and two other girls sit around a coffee table as one girl sorts through a box.]
GIRL: Oh! This is the tragedy that results when your mom goes out of town leaving your dad in charge of the care package.
RORY: [Looking at a can] Cling peaches in light syrup.
GIRL: They make Rice Krispies Treats in foil packs now, how hard is that?
RORY: Oh, hey, want your smile back? [Holding up a package] Pork Top Ramen.
GIRL: For that, you share your care package.
RORY: Fine. My mom doesn't bake but she knows people who do.
GIRL #2: [Holding the ramen] This makes great packing material…
GIRL: Look, look, look. The guy over by the vending machine.
[Pan to the laundry room guy pouring himself coffee]
GIRL #2: Two thumbs up!
GIRL: That is my friend Josh's roommate, William.
GIRL #2: [Fanning herself] Ah! Hello your highness.
GIRL: I'm seriously debating a move here.
GIRL #2: Nakedness tends to work.
GIRL: I met him at this party this weekend. He's pretty cool - and funny! He tells this story about a girl in this dorm. She doesn't even know him, she just comes up to him and starts talking to him, and he's talking to her, you know, just to be nice, but she thinks he's into her or something, so like three seconds later she asks him out. [Rory begins to look uncomfortable] Of course he said no. But I guess to her no doesn't mean 'no', so now she's showing up everywhere he is. He calls her his "adoring fan."
GIRL #2: Did he say who it was?
GIRL: Someone cranked up the karaoke machine right at that moment so no, no names. But his impression of her asking him out, all flitty eyelashes and 'look how hot I am' is hilarious. [Rory is looking very uncomfortable now.]
GIRL #2: Oooh, intrigue. Psycho girl in the dorm. I wonder who it can be?
GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Sookie and Lorelai sit on the couch. Sookie is flipping though decorating magazines.]
SOOKIE: So, now that he lives in Litchfield, what's that supposed to mean?
LORELAI: According to Luke, nothing!
SOOKIE: But what about the diner?
LORELAI: Oh, he said the diner's fine, everything's fine!
SOOKIE: And he's gonna continue working here even though he's living there?
LORELAI: Yes, apparently he'll go from being grumpy Luke to grumpy-commuter Luke.
SOOKIE: Luke plus road-rage, there's a healthy combination. Ooh! [Holding out magazine] What do you think of that sconce?
LORELAI: Oh, it's too British. I swear, that guy should work for the CIA. He gives away nothing, absolutely nothing!
SOOKIE: I have friends there.
LORELAI: What? Where?
SOOKIE: The CIA.
LORELAI: [laughs] No, you don't.
SOOKIE: Yes, I - Ah, you didn't mean the Culinary Institute of America?
LORELAI: No.
SOOKIE: Okay, then. Oh! [Holding out magazine] What about this?
LORELAI: No, too Spanish. Three weeks he's been living there! Three weeks, and not a single word, and he looked at me like I was completely insane to be upset.
SOOKIE: What about this one?
LORELAI: Too German.
SOOKIE: How can a sconce be too German?
LORELAI: It's shaped like an knockwurst.
SOOKIE: It is not. Oh, it is. Why would they do that?
LORELAI: Maybe I am insane, I mean what's the big deal right? Just because I go in there for coffee every day that doesn't make us friends.
SOOKIE: You are friends!
LORELAI: Yes, but I thought we were 'friend' friends, and apparently we're just coffee friends. I buy the coffee and he's my friend. It's like a dog and a liver treat. If you have a liver treat, the dog will like you and, that's us.
SOOKIE: Which one are you, the dog or the liver treat?
LORELAI: Well, I was the liver treat, and I thought I was a collar or at least a really cute leash and I'm not.
SOOKIE: I wanna chime in and be supportive, but I don't know what you're talking about.
LORELAI: I'm talking about nothing, nevermind.
[Davie begins to cry.]
SOOKIE: Oh. I'm coming, Cookie.
LORELAI: What's the matter, is he hungry?
SOOKIE: No, it's the bells.
LORELAI: The bells aren't ringing.
SOOKIE: No, but they're about to.
LORELAI: He's crying in anticipation of the bells?
SOOKIE: He hates them. At first he just cried when they rang, and now he knows their schedule.
LORELAI: Oh, that's terrible!
SOOKIE: Believe me, the 5:00 AM-ers are the worst.
[The bells begin to ring]
SOOKIE: Oh, oh, I know.
LORELAI: Poor thing. [Looking to the window] Hey, Sookie. [Walking to the window] Look, it's Luke.
SOOKIE: What's he doing?
[Luke is outside on her front path shovelling snow]
LORELAI: Hmph, he's shovelling my walk. [smiles]
SOOKIE: He's good.
LORELAI: I'll be right back.
OUTSIDE GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai walks out the front door, pulling on her jacket.]
LORELAI: Oh, you missed a spot. [Luke doesn't stop shovelling] This is really nice Luke. Hey, can we fight again 'cause I need my rain gutters cleaned.
LUKE: [Stops shovelling and walks up to the foot of the stairs.] You think everything is your business. Everything is about you! Well, here's a newsflash. Some things are not about you.
LORELAI: Why are you yelling at me?
LUKE: If I want to move in with Nicole, it concerns her and it concerns me, and that is it.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know.
LUKE: It does not concern you! It is none of your business! I don't have to tell you anything! And you do not have the right to make me feel guilty because I didn't tell you anything.
LORELAI: I wasn't trying -
LUKE: I have been tying my own shoes since I was I was four, I have repairing my own car since I was fourteen, and I have been making my own decisions since I could crawl!
LORELAI: What does any of that have to do with anything?
LUKE: I owe you nothing!
LORELAI: Fine.
LUKE: Nothing!
LORELAI: Fine!
LUKE: And shovel your walk! It is a safety hazard and you can't just walk past it and ignore the fact that the snow is up to your ass!
LORELAI: You've got my shovel!
LUKE: [Holding up the shovel] I loaned it to you three years ago!
[Luke stomps off and Lorelai goes into the house]
INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS ASSOCIATION
[Rory, Paris, William the laundry room guy and other students all sit around a table]
PARIS: When you boil it down, isn't the whole Israeli-Palestinian problem a case of sibling rivalry?
FRIEDMAN: Follow up?
PARIS: The Old Testament, it's all there. Israelis are descendents of Abraham and Sarah. Arabs are descendents of Abraham and his maid Hagar. So Israelis and Arabs both have the same dad, and both want the great nation God promised Abraham. They might as well be fighting over who gets the TV remote. [Rory drops her pencil and it roll in from of William. He picks it up.]
FRIEDMAN: Your Biblical facts are correct, Paris, but your arguments disregard the complexities of the last 4000 years. I know research takes time.
PARIS: At least I don't have to worry about Cheech growing Thai stick in the rec room.
FRIEDMAN: What?
PARIS: Nothing.
FRIEDMAN: Okay. Anyone else?
WILLIAM: It's just a power struggle, nothing mysterious.
FRIEDMAN: Follow up?
WILLIAM: Who wins in this game? And in whose best interest is it to keep the kids fighting?
RORY: Right, like they're some all powerful entity, manipulating the entire population of Israel. There's a good thought process for you.
WILLIAM: Excuse me?
RORY: It's more complex than that.
WILLIAM: But if you disregard power -
RORY: That's not what I said. Maybe if you sat up straight for a minute you could hear a little more clearly.
FRIEDMAN: Decorum, people.
RORY: Israel is made up of over 6 million individuals, each with a unique view on the situation. You know something about a unique view of a situation, don't you?
WILLIAM: I guess -
RORY: Because propaganda and the spreading of blatant, heinous, ridiculous lies can cause more damage than g*n or b*mb or any sort of w*apon.
WILLIAM: Personally, if I'm in an alley with Osama, I'd rather he was armed with a blatant, heinous lie than an U*i.
RORY: That's cause you're an idiot.
WILLIAM: You know, you didn't look scary when you came in here.
RORY: Oh yeah, give me back my pencil. [He throws the pencil in front of her.]
FRIEDMAN: Okay, you two. Let's take a cooling off period and hear from someone else. Sarah, your thoughts on this.
GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Night, Lorelai lies on the couch talking to Rory on the phone, who is lying in bed studying at Yale]
LORELAI: I'm starving.
RORY: Order a pizza.
LORELAI: No, it's snowing, they won't deliver.
RORY: Then go to Al's.
LORELAI: It's curry night!
RORY: China Charlie's sounds pretty good.
LORELAI: I hate Chinese.
RORY: Since when?
LORELAI: Since tonight!
RORY: You're acting like a four year old.
LORELAI: I don't care, I'm bored.
RORY: This is stupid, just go to Luke's.
LORELAI: No. Way.
RORY: Oh, come on, you guys always fight.
LORELAI: Not like this.
RORY: And then you make up.
LORELAI: No, I'm not going to Luke's.
RORY: You're gonna starve to death.
LORELAI: Well fine, I will starve to death, because I'm not going to reward bad behavior.
RORY: Is there something in the fridge?
LORELAI: Nothing edible.
RORY: There's Beefaroni. You like Beefaroni.
LORELAI: I'm not in the mood for Beefaroni.
RORY: Mom, you have to do something.
LORELAI: I need a suggestion.
RORY: Have you read The Bell Jar?
LORELAI: Huh! Not funny!
RORY: Okay, you know what, you're on your own.
LORELAI: No, no! Come on!
RORY: I have to study and you're in your stubborn mood.
LORELAI: Hey! I sat up with you all night when you had the chicken pox. I held your hands so that you couldn't scratch your face and scar your perfect skin. You look that way because of me.
RORY: Night, mom.
LORELAI: But, ah, the chicken pox!
RORY: Beefaroni, it's calling you!
[Rory hangs up. Lorelai scoffs.]
STARS HOLLOW, NIGHT
[The bells ring the hour as Lorelai walks past Doose's Market, which displays sales on earplugs and aspirin. Two people walk by her and shout out, "Shut up!" Patty is teaching a class.]
MISS PATTY: [claping] One, and two, and three and four. Ignore the bells, they aren't the b*at. The bells will screw, it all to hell.
[Lorelai looks into Luke's diner and sees Luke disappear behind the curtain with a box]
MISS PATTY: And one, and two, and three, and four... [The bells stop.] and … one… and two and three and four...
[Lorelai walks into Luke's diner and as the bells jingle, Luke steps back out from the curtain. He folds his arms when he sees Lorelai and she walks towards him.]
LORELAI: You want to help me break the bells?
LUKE: I'll get my toolbox.
[Luke goes upstairs, Lorelai gets a donut and follows him.]
LUKE'S APARTMENT
[They both walk in]
LUKE: I'll just be a sec.
LORELAI: 'Kay.
[Luke walks away for a second. Lorelai looks around quizzically as she notices that all of his belongings are still in the apartment. There are even dirty dishes in the sink and on the table, and his bed in the corner is not made. Lorelai walks over to Luke, who has just gotten his toolbox out of the closet.]
LUKE: Got it, let's go. [Walks to the door]
LORELAI: Right behind you.
CBGBs
[Lane and the rest of the band are in a back room waiting to go on. Lane is drumming on the walls as she walks around. She drums on Zach's lap.]
ZACH: Hey!
LANE: Sorry, Zach, anything immobile is fair game. [To Gil] I'm so hyped.
GIL: Me too.
LANE: Did you find Blondie anywhere?
GIL: No, I think they repainted at some point.
LANE: Repainting is so not rock and roll! [As Zach walks by, she drums on his back.]
ZACH: [Turning on her] You have seriously gotta stop that.
LANE: Sue me.
GIL: [Pointing to the wall] Hey, here are The Strokes!
ZACH: Yawn. [To Brian.] Hey, you almost done, you've been tuning for a half hour.
BRIAN: [Holding a guitar.] Almost. Geez, I'm nervous.
ZACH: Yeah, you're shaking like the Pope.
BRIAN: [Handing him the guitar.] You do it for me.
ZACH: Fine.
BRIAN: So, do we get to sign the wall?
LANE: Oh, we are signing the wall! It's the whole reason to be in the band, that and the loose chicks.
GIL: [Pointing to the wall.] Here are The Strokes again!
ZACH: Yeah, they're over there too.
BRIAN: Man, they're overexposed, even on walls. [Puffs his inhaler]
[Darryl wearing a CBGB's shirt and carrying a clipboard enters.]
DARRYL: Hey guys, uh, bad news. I'm gonna have to bump you.
LANE: [Running up.] What?
BRIAN: What does that mean?
DARRYL: Uh, it means you're bumped. You're not playing. We'll reschedule, okay?
GIL: Drag!
ZACH: I guess I can stop tuning.
LANE: No, no, don't stop tuning. I don't get this, why are we being bumped?
DARRYL: Well, there's like two people out in the audience and they're born again or something, and they're not even drinking.
LANE: Well, I'll get 'em drinking, I'm very good at working around religious mandates.
BRIAN: Older couple?
DARRYL: Yeah.
BRIAN: That's my parents. They don't drink.
LANE: We'll just play for Brian's parents, that's fine with us.
ZACH: This is unbelievable!
GIL: Look guys, it happens.
LANE: I'm sorry, we're playing tonight.
GIL: To an empty room.
LANE: Every band plays to empty rooms at some point. They can be the most classic gigs.
DARRYL: Look, I've already sent people home. The doorman, the waitresses-
LANE: You don't need them, there's no one out there.
DARRYL: The sound guy.
LANE: We don't need sound!
DARRYL: Look, it's not up to you. We'll reschedule, okay?
ZACH: [To Gil] Nice goin', dude.
BRIAN: Don't dump on Gil!
LANE: [Catching Darryl before he leaves.] Excuse me, we're not done.
DARRYL: Oh, I think we are.
LANE: No, we are not just little gnats that you can flick away. We are professionals and some of us have gone through a lot of trouble to be here tonight, a lot of trouble.
DARRYL: Well, then you have a lot of my sympathies. [He leaves] I need a cigarette.
LANE: [Screaming after him] Get cancer, Darryl!
GIL: Wow, Lane! Come on, you gotta roll with the punches.
LANE: No, we have to play tonight.
GIL: We can't!
LANE: [Sees the guys packing up their stuff] What are you doing?
BRIAN: Packing up?
LANE: Just because Darryl said to?
BRIAN: He's the booker.
LANE: No, he's the man, and rock and roll is about saying no to the man!
ZACH: This is a lot of trouble for nothing!
LANE: Guys!
GIL: I said I'm sorry!
BRIAN: It's not Gil's fault!
ZACH: Then whose is it?
GIL: Look, you gotta roll with the punches too, Zach.
ZACH: [To Brian] You just stepped on my guitar!
BRIAN: I didn't see it.
ZACH: What are you blind?
BRIAN: Pretty much.
GIL: Dude, get it together.
ZACH: I cannot believe that your parents don't drink.
[Lane is wringing her hands and looking very worried.]
STARS HOLLOW, NIGHT
[Lorelai and Luke walk up to the church. Lorelai tries the door but it is locked.]
LORELAI: [Gasp] What, they lock the door to a church, are they serious? What if I need to do something holy?
LUKE: Like commit vandalism?
LORELAI: Even she's sick of hearing the damn bells.
LUKE: I'm gonna have to break the lock
LORELAI: No wait. [Gets out her wallet]
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: All those years of watching Hart to Hart are about to pay off.
LUKE: What is that?
LORELAI: It's my gym card.
LUKE: You joined a gym?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: When?
LORELAI: After I had Rory, to lose the pregnancy weight.
LUKE: Did you go?
LORELAI: God, no. I was way too fat. [Manages to unlock the door with the card] Ah, praise be to Him and all the little lambs that frolic the earth with their frankincense and myrrh and -
LUKE: Would you get inside?
LORELAI: Okay.
STARS HOLLOW CHURCH
[The church is in darkness as Lorelai and Luke walk up the aisle.]
LORELAI: Oy! Would it k*ll God to dust?
LUKE: Okay, now just hold the flashlight, do not do any moving spotlight gags and point it at me and yell "Freeze, drop your w*apon."
LORELAI: [laughs] How about if I shine it on the wall and do a dirty hand puppet show?
LUKE: Just stand back so the lightning only strikes you.
LORELAI: So, what's the game plan here? Personally, I thought we could whack the bells really hard with a hammer.
LUKE: Uh, you don't break bells with a hammer.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm out. What's your plan, Clyde?
LUKE: Well, I was thinking we could just jam the turnbuckle, or wedge the main mechanism, just for fun disconnect a few of the clappers; Contrary to popular belief you don't have to break every bell. If you just damage a couple, say the tierce and the prime, you pretty much ruin the set.
LORELAI: You must have been the top of your class at hunchback school.
LUKE: Well, let's just say you can wait your whole life waiting for bells to fall into disrepair. Sometimes they need a push.
LORELAI: No way! You broke the bells.
LUKE: You're welcome. It's a little narrow up there, so we should just take the tools that we need, leave the toolbox down here.
LORELAI: God, these things are heavy. Don't you have a smaller toolbox?
LUKE: No, why would I have two toolboxes?
LORELAI: 'Cause then you'd have a big one and a small one.
LUKE: Well, if you have a big one you don't need a small one. [Lorelai opens her mouth to speak] Don't say 'dirty', it's too easy. Hold these. [Gives her tools]
LORELAI: So, um, why wasn't your toolbox at your new place?
LUKE: I needed it here.
LORELAI: Huh. Usually moving requires lots of tools; hanging things, putting things together.
LUKE: Nicole hired a professional picture-hanger and we didn't have anything to put together. Hand me a screwdriver.
LORELAI: Phillips or flathead? [Luke looks at her in surprise] I know things.
LUKE: Phillips. [She hands it to him and Luke smiles.]
LORELAI: Luke, how come you told me you moved?
LUKE: I did move.
LORELAI: Well, you may have moved, but none of your stuff did.
LUKE: What are you talking about? Uh, hand me the open-ended wrench.
LORELAI: Luke, I was in your apartment. It's exactly the same.
LUKE: No, it's not.
LORELAI: I just think it's weird you're pretending you moved when you didn't.
LUKE: [Stopping working] I did move.
LORELAI: Luke, your bed wasn't even made.
LUKE: So?
LORELAI: There were dishes in the sink, some kind of shake in the blender, Mega-Man protein powder on the counter. Remind me to mock you for that later, by the way.
LUKE: Can we talk about something else? Or better yet, let's not talk and just get this done.
LORELAI: Does Nicole think you moved?
LUKE: Of course she thinks I moved, I did move.
LORELAI: Do you sleep there?
LUKE: Of course I sleep there.
LORELAI: When was the last time you slept there?
LUKE: I live there.
LORELAI: So, last night?
LUKE: I had an early delivery and it didn't make sense to sleep there.
LORELAI: The day before?
LUKE: I was there for dinner.
LORELAI: And after dinner?
LUKE: Nicole was getting a sore throat so it made sense to go back to my place and not get sick.
LORELAI: Your place?
LUKE: My old place.
LORELAI: You didn't say your old place, you said your place.
LUKE: Well, I meant my old place.
LORELAI: Luke, you don't live with Nicole.
LUKE: Yes, I do.
LORELAI: You watch her TV, you eat her food, you keep stuff in a duffel bag at her house; you're a rude guest, not her boyfriend!
LUKE: Husband.
LORELAI: Whole other discussion.
LUKE: You know what, you're doing it again.
LORELAI: Doing what again?
LUKE: You're passing judgment on my relationship with Nicole.
LORELAI: I'm not passing judgment.
LUKE: You passed judgment on our marriage, you passed judgment on our divorce and now you're passing judgment on our living together.
LORELAI: I'm not passing judgment on you living together. You're passing judgment on you living together… by not living together.
LUKE: You know, I was a little tipsy on that cruise ship, but I don't remember anyone pronouncing us husband and wife and Lorelai.
LORELAI: Well, they may as well have, because I spend as much time with Nicole as you do.
LUKE: And the judgment's back!
LORELAI: I could move in with you guys. You wouldn't know.
LUKE: You know, none of this is any of your business.
LORELAI: It's absolutely my business.
LUKE: How?
LORELAI: Because! I wasted a week of my life adjusting to the idea that you had moved only to find out that you haven't moved.
LUKE: How much adjusting did you have to do? Nothing's changed! I still see you everyday, I still cook your food, I still serve your coffee. What do you care?
LORELAI: I care.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Because I don't want you to move.
LUKE: Why? Why don't you want me to move?
[Lorelai stares at him for a second, but a door opens behind them and Lorelai and Luke lower their heads guiltily. Reverend Skinner walks in.]
REVEREND: Lorelai? Luke? [Sees the tools.] Oh, thank God! Carry on.
[He leaves.]
YALE
[There is a knock on Rory's dorm door.]
RORY: Paris! It's 4:00 in the morning! [She opens the door and finds Lane standing there.]
LANE: Hi.
RORY: What are you doing here?
LANE: Well, funny you should ask, because I didn't know what to do and you always seem to know what to do, so I thought I'd drop by and ask you what to do.
RORY: About what?
LANE: I didn't come up with one.
RORY: One what?
LANE: One alibi.
RORY: What?
LANE: I couldn't think of anything! [She sits down]
RORY: Lane!
LANE: I swear, I tried, but nothing I came up with sounded like she would believe it so I just left.
RORY: What do you mean you just left?
LANE: I mean I waited until she went to bed, which was about 9:15, and then I left.
RORY: You didn't leave a note?
LANE: No.
RORY: You didn't call?
LANE: I don't even think I locked the door behind me.
RORY: Lane, this is bad.
LANE: I know, but I couldn't miss the gig, Rory. I mean it was CBGB's! I had to go and she wouldn't let me go. [Rory gets up and goes into her room.] Where are you going?
RORY: You have to call your mom.
LANE: No way.
RORY: [Handing her the phone.] Lane, she could be freaking out right now.
LANE: I can't tell her. I can't call her.
RORY: Well, what are you gonna do, just never go home again?
LANE: You say that like it's a bad thing.
RORY: It is a bad thing, a really bad thing!
LANE: I can't talk to her.
RORY: Fine. [Rory dials a number.] Who are you calling?
[Lorelai is sleeping and slaps the phone as it rings. She picks it up and hold it to her ear.]
LORELAI: I hate you.
RORY: Mom, are you awake?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Could you be awake?
LORELAI: What's the matter?
RORY: Lane's here.
LORELAI: What? Why?
RORY: She snuck out of her house tonight, and she's scared to go home.
LORELAI: She snuck out?
RORY: She had something to do with the band.
LORELAI: Urgh! She snuck out!
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Bye.
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm calling Mrs. Kim.
RORY: Mom, no.
LORELAI: Rory, if I woke up and you weren't there, I would have a friggin' heart att*ck. Now keep Lane there and tell her I am pissed as hell at her. Goodbye. [Hangs up. She dials a new number.]
MRS. KIM: Hello?
LORELAI: Hello, Mrs. Kim, it's Lorelai Gilmore. I am so sorry to be calling so late and, um, I don't know if you know this or not, but Lane isn't there.
MRS. KIM: [She's at home. There are firemen and a group of people praying in a circle with candles behind her.] Where is she?
LORELAI: Well, she went out tonight, and I think she was just scared to tell you about it, but she is fine. She's with Rory at Yale and they're safe and they promise to stay put.
MRS. KIM: Give me the address!
LORELAI: 198 Elm Street, Durfee Hall, suite five. Do you need directions?
MRS. KIM: I have a navigational system.
LORELAI: Okay, well, call me if you need anything. [Mrs. Kim hangs up.]
STARS HOLLOW, NIGHT
[Mrs. Kim drives in the snow, and stops outside Luke's when she sees him coming outside. Luke has just gotten a shipment of bread from a man. She gets out of her car.]
MRS. KIM: Luke!
LUKE: Hey, Mrs. Kim. You're up early.
MRS. KIM: I just want to tell you that Lane will not be coming to work today.
LUKE: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know.
MRS. KIM: You know?
LUKE: Yeah, she called.
MRS. KIM: She called?
LUKE: Twice. She left a message last night and she called again a minute ago just to make sure I got it. I tell you, that is one responsible kid.
MRS. KIM: She called you?
LUKE: Twice.
MRS. KIM: She called you, she called Lorelai.
LUKE: Is everything okay?
MRS. KIM: Everything's fine. I'm going home.
LUKE: Okay.
[Luke looks after her strangely as she drives home.]
YALE
[Rory and Lane walk outside in the snow with cups of coffee.]
LANE: Let's not stray too far from the coffee cart. I can barely feel my feet this morning.
RORY: The floor wasn't too comfortable, huh?
LANE: No, tit was fine until Paris came home and stepped on my face. The stepping on my face wasn't too comfortable.
RORY: Well, at least Paris doesn't tend to wear heels.
LANE: Where was she so late?
RORY: I don't know, Paris's business is Paris's business.
LANE: I wish I lived in a dorm.
RORY: Hey, have you called your mother yet?
LANE: Nope.
RORY: Oh good, because the longer you wait, the easier it's going to be.
LANE: I still can't believe she didn't just show up in the middle of the night, kick down the door, douse the place with holy water.
RORY: Maybe she wanted a chance to cool off.
LANE: No, that's your mother. My mother's the kicker and the douser. No, Mrs. Kim is sending a message.
RORY: What message is that?
LANE: The message is, "You messed up, kid, and now you get to sit there and panic about what's gonna happen next, and while you're panicking thinking about what's gonna happen next, you get to find your own way home, cause the Mrs. Kim shuttle van service is closed for business."
RORY: So, it's a wordy message.
LANE: Everything's so screwed up: my life, everything I'm doing.
RORY: It's not that bad.
LANE: It is that bad. I mean, look at this. Look at where you are, look at what you have. [Losing her voice.] I'm so jealous you have a life.
RORY: You have a life too.
LANE: Yeah, just not a very good one.
RORY: Lane, come on. You're healthy, you have a band and a boyfriend, and so what if school is boring? You won't be in school forever. You have a good life.
LANE: I'm weak. I have no spine.
RORY: [Gently] If you had no spine you'd be walking funny.
LANE: I wanna thank you for letting me crash here last night.
RORY: Of course, any time.
LANE: I gotta get going.
RORY: Well, hey. Do you want to wait till this afternoon? I can give you a ride home when I'm done with classes.
LANE: Now. I have to get home. I have to take care of this.
RORY: Okay, come on.
LANE: Where are we going?
RORY: Well, I can't send you home to Mrs. Kim without a purse full of mini donuts.
LANE: You know, I believe that's how Mother Theresa got started.
RORY: Really, I heard it was Pixie Stix.
YALE CAFETERIA
[Rory has just gotten her lunch and is walking to her table. She walks past William.]
WILLIAM: Hey, it's Madeline Albright.
[Rory slams down her tray on a table and walks back to him.
RORY: You know what? I do not appreciate you calling me that. In fact, I don't appreciate you talking to me, or about me at all.
WILLIAM: Fine.
RORY: I know you've been telling the story.
WILLIAM: What story?
RORY: The laundry room story. Remember the laundry room?
WILLIAM: Machines, rinse cycle -
RORY: I asked you to get coffee, that's it. I did not ask you to get married, or say that I loved you, or ask to have your children. And I'm not stalking you! It was a complete coincidence that I happened to go into a meeting that you happened to be in. I had no idea you were there. And it's hard to ask someone out and it puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position! So, it's cruel to use that incident as a funny cocktail story. So from now on, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from telling the hilarious laundry room incident to anyone, anywhere, ever again. [She picks up her coat and begins to walk off.]
WILLIAM: I wasn't talking about you.
RORY: What?
WILLIAM: There was this girl from the third floor, she asked me out like a 100 times. She followed me to class. She baked me a cake every day for a month, then she snuck in my window and hid in my closet, covered in whipped cream.
RORY: Oh, well - that is a little … extreme.
WILLIAM: I didn't tell anybody about the laundry room.
RORY: Well, good. [She turns to leave, but turns back.] Um, do you think that you could maybe not tell anyone this story also, 'cause, that would be great. Thanks. [She leaves.]
KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Mrs. Kim walks into Lane's room. She sits down on the bench at the end of Lane's bed. Looking around, she notices that a floorboard is loose. She lifts it up and realizes that there are CDs hidden there. Downstairs, Lane opens the front door of the house and walks upstairs to her room. Mrs. Kim has now found everything in her room, and 'contraband' is scattered everywhere. ]
MRS. KIM: Is this all?
[Lane walks over and lifts one more floorboard, pulling out a turntable.]
LANE: That's all. [Pause] I'm sorry.
MRS. KIM: About what?
LANE: I'm sorry about last night. I don't want to keep secrets from you.
MRS. KIM: [Gesturing to the room.] You don't?
LANE: My band had this amazing chance to play this really famous club last night and I didn't know how to tell you about it. I knew you wouldn't approve, you wouldn't approve of me being in the band or the music we were playing and I can't even imagine what you would have said if I had asked you to let me stay out 'til four in the morning.
MRS. KIM: I would have said no.
LANE: Well, then I guess I could have imagined it after all.
MRS. KIM: How long?
LANE: How long what?
MRS. KIM: How long … this.
LANE: I started it when I was six, the day you told me the Cookie Monster was one of the seven deadly sins.
MRS. KIM: Gluttony.
LANE: Yes, gluttony.
MRS. KIM: So, I made you do this?
LANE: No, I just - I want to please you so badly, but I can't. I mean, look at you, look at what happened last night. It's not good. I don't want anything like this to ever happen again. I've been thinking a lot about this, our situation, and I think I figured out a way to make everything better.
MRS. KIM: You have?
LANE: I don't want to go to Seventh Day Adventist College anymore. I want to be able to play with my band. I want to be a drummer. [smiling] I will happily go to community college, and I will happily live at home and adhere to your curfew, except on the nights when the band plays or practices. This way, I can get what I want and I won't be lying to you or sneaking around. This way we can both be happy.
MRS. KIM: Children do not make the rules. You may … move out and live like that somewhere else. [She leaves Lane in her room.]
WESTON'S BAKERY
[Lorelai is on the phone to Rory, who is at Yale.]
LORELAI: Well, I think you handled that very well.
RORY: I was so humiliated.
LORELAI: You didn't know.
RORY: How self-centered am I that I just assumed that he was talking about me?
LORELAI: Well, I would have assumed the same thing, so, incredibly self-centered.
RORY: All I know is I can't show my face in International Relations Club again, or the laundry room, or the dining room, or anywhere.
LORELAI: Well hey, if that nut job who jumped out of his closet Reddi-Whipped is still hanging around, I think you're fine.
RORY: Hey, it's 4:00.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: Where are the bells?
LORELAI: They, uh, stopped.
RORY: What happened?
LORELAI: I don't know, they just haven't been working all day.
RORY: Oh. Too bad.
LORELAI: Yeah, ain't it though.
[Someone knocks on the door of the Yale suite.]
RORY: Someone's at the door. Call me tomorrow.
LORELAI: [Half-heartedly] You bet.
RORY: You okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, why?
RORY: You just sound a little distracted.
LORELAI: Do I? No, I'm good, I just didn't get much sleep last night, that's all.
RORY: Okay, see you later.
LORELAI: Bye.
[Rory answers the door. Lane is there with a suitcase.]
LANE: Hi.
RORY: What are you doing here?
LANE: Well, funny you should ask. [Lane rolls her suitcase in the door.]
END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x11 - In the Clamor and the Clangor"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Kenny Ortega
transcript by Patti Jo
OPEN TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK
[Lorelai walks down the sidewalk past people putting up decorations on streetlight for upcoming Firelight Festival. She enters Luke's Diner to find busy lunch hour customers everywhere.]
LORELAI: Unbelievable. [she pulls her cell phone from her pocket and hits speed dial]
CUT TO RORY'S DORM BEDROOM
RORY: Hello?
[Scenes change from dorm to diner]
LORELAI: There are no empty tables at Luke's.
RORY'S VOICE: And I can do what about that?
LORELAI: Well, I was hoping you'd develop mind control powers since I last saw you and you could will people to leave.
RORY: No. If I could do that, I'd be using it to play the ponies or something. Your table would be low on the list.
LORELAI: Selfish! [she looks around and sees Kirk alone at a table] Ooh, hold on a sec. [approaches Kirk] Kirk, may I?
KIRK: May you what?
LORELAI: Sit with you?
KIRK: Here?
LORELAI: Yes.
KIRK: I have a girlfriend.
LORELAI: I'm not flirting with you Kirk.
KIRK: Oh. Then, have a seat.
LORELAI: Thanks. [she gazes warmly at him and says breathlessly.] I love that shirt.
KIRK: It's an Arnold Palmer.
LORELAI: That was flirting.
KIRK: Oh, man. [looks uncomfortably around]
LORELAI: [returns to her cell phone call with Rory now ignoring Kirk] I'm back. So, what's going on with Lane?
RORY: She's here. She's fine. She's uh, still a little bit in denial. She hasn't talked to her mom since the kick-out.
LORELAI: Poor Mrs. Kim.
RORY: Poor Mrs. Kim? She kicked Lane out, I'm mad at her.
LORELAI: Why? She must be very lonely without Lane.
RORY: Well, Lane's getting along pretty well here. She kind of fallen into a - rhythm. [Lane rushes into the bedroom with travel tray of coffee] Hey.
LANE: Hey, Take. [she offers coffee tray to Rory]
RORY: Thanks you. Hey, you're out of breath.
LANE: There were incredibly slow people in the coffee line, and I promised to wake Paris. [hurries over to Paris' bed] Up and at 'em!
PARIS: Die.
LANE: I got you a triple espresso that I'm going to put here right out of reach, so sleepyhead has to get up to get it.
PARIS: Die twice.
LORELAI: Was she at the professor's again last night?
RORY: Yes, but she claims she was up all night cramming.
LORELAI'S VOICE: Well, she was.
RORY: Oh, ick!
PARIS: [eavesdropping] Ick what? Are you talking about me? Who is that?
RORY: It's my mom. We're not talking about you. You're so paranoid.
LORELAI: Uh, hold on a sec. Luke's here.
LUKE: [grumpy] I swear, it feels like these stupid Firelight Festivals happen every week.
LORELAI: And a happy, happy to you too.
LUKE: Order please.
LORELAI: Coffee and whatever muffin you have.
LUKE: Comin' up. You two an item now?
KIRK: [indignant] I have a girlfriend.
LUKE: Double dipping, you dog. [walks away]
CUT TO DORM
RORY: [loads her book bag while talking] You never told me why you're up so early.
LORELAI: Well, I've got a quick meeting at the Dragonfly, and then Jason is coming here for the day.
RORY: [disbelief] Jason?
LORELAI: He's taking the morning off, so I'm taking him shopping for new furniture for his office.
RORY: Sounds fun.
LORELAI: Yeah. He's never really seen Stars Hollow, so I uh - [quickly hushes as Luke returns to table to fill her coffee cup]
RORY: [she finishes Lorelai's sentence]...get to - show him around, right?
[Luke pours coffee]
LORELAI: Hm. Um-hm.
LUKE: Did I interrupt something?
LORELAI: No.
LUKE: Would my reminding you of the cell phone policy affect your behavior in anyway?
[Lorelai hold up her cell phone to the vicinity of Luke's face]
LORELAI: It's Rory.
LUKE: [he leans closer to the phone] Hello Rory! [to Kirk] How does it feel to be a step-dad?
KIRK: [scolding] Knock it off. [Luke walks away]
RORY'S VOICE: Gooood thinking.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Clamming up. He's always had a problem with your guys. Best to ease into it.
LORELAI: Oh. No, no that's not why I stopped talking.
CUT TO YALE DORM ROOM
[Paris is now sitting up in bed taking first gulp of her espresso, Lane standing near by]
PARIS: Whoo, whoo! Good Morning Vietnam!
CUT BACK TO LUKE'S DINER
LORELAI: What was that?
RORY'S VOICE: Paris. She likes to do this thing in the morning with the triple espresso. It's like Jack Nicholson in Easy Rider.
PARIS: [leaps to her feet] Jumping Cattle Hockey!
RORY: Hey Paris, can you take this somewhere else, please?
LORELAI: Ahh, wait, wait, wait. We got a little something else goin' on here -- [An oddly dressed woman stands at the counter talking animatedly]
RORY: What's going on?
LORELAI: A kinda odd rock-and-roll, hippy-chick came in, she's deep in conversation with Luke, who is not looking too happy --
RORY'S VOICE: What are they saying?
LORELAI: Uh, they are rudely out of range. [to Kirk in a sweet voice] Hey hun, hun? Try to move in so you can hear 'em. Go.[motioning him to move closer to Luke]
KIRK: [With a nervous chuckle he says to anyone in earshot] She's joking. We're just friends, ha-ha.
RORY: A mystery woman!
LORELAI: Maybe she has something to do with his apartment? I mean he might be leasing out whichever one he's not using, or it's about his divorce with Nicole or the lack of one if the divorce is definitely off.
RORY: Or maybe she's a friend of Nicole's or another attorney if it's not definitely off.
[In the background, Lane straightens Paris' bed covers smoothly.]
LORELAI: Wait, Luke is the most complicated guy I know who also owns a Doobie Brothers record.
PARIS: [off camera] Sweet Mamma Jamma!
LANE: Oh! I've gotta wake Tanna. [rushes off]
LORELAI: Wait, wait… denoument! [whispers into her phone] He sent her upstairs!
RORY: Weird!
LORELAI: So what do you think? An early morning tryst with the county dominatrix?
RORY: [she takes a sip of her coffee] Hmm, does she have a bag?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Then where would all her dominatrix stuff be?
LORELAI: Oh, maybe they're using all the stuff he keeps on hand?
RORY: Fishing pole?
LORELAI: Nolan Ryan's rookie card?
RORY: Mystery!
LORELAI: Mystery!
RORY: Go ask him!
PARIS: [off camera] Who's yer daddy!
LORELAI: [disappointed] He's in back.
RORY: So go back there and ask him! I have to know what's going on.
LORELAI: Okay. [loud crashing noise comes from the storeroom]
LUKE: [off camera] Aww, crap, crap crap!
LORELAI: Oh, maybe later, I don't think now is such a good time. I'll talk to you later.
RORY: Later.
[Lorelai puts her cell phone away and begins pouting and sighing at Kirk. He looks back dumbly. Lorelai winks and begins making loud kissing noises.]
KIRK: [looks away immediately] I have a girlfriend!
[Lorelai continues to make loud kissing noises much to Kirk's discomfort.]
OPEN TO YALE DORM COMMON ROOM
[Lane is finishing last touches on Tanna's hair.]
LANE: Okay, open your eyes.
TANNA: [holding up a hand mirror) Wow! I'm stunning.
LANE: Your stylist concurs.
[Rory enters from the bedroom looking around the common room.]
RORY: Wow, so organized out here.
LANE: I tidied up a little. Excess stuff went into the cabinet.
PARIS: [enters] Impressive.
[phone rings from bedroom]
RORY: I'll get it. [exits]
TANNA: [to Paris] How good do I look?
PARIS: Would a comedic reply crush you?
TANNA: [pause] Probably.
PARIS: Terrif.
RORY: [from bedroom] Where's the phone?
PARIS: Buried somewhere.
LANE: [proudly] Tanna's gonna knock boys out today.
PARIS: With what? Sheer peculiarity?
TANNA: I am hoping that one boy notices. Chester Fleet.
LANE: Chester Fleet?
TANNA: His father was instrumental in conducting research showing that neurons in the brain f*re actively during REM sleep - with the exception of nerve cells involved with the transmitter chemicals serotonin and norepinephrine.
PARIS: I'd forgot the first part of that sentence by the time you finished, but I say jump him.
TANNA: [uncomfortable] Thanks Lane. See ya later. [she leaves]
RORY: [enters from the bedroom] Finally. [answers the phone] Hello?
JAMIE: Hi Rory, its Jamie. How you doin'?
RORY: Good Jamie. It's been a while. How's the second best school in the country?
JAMIE: Princeton's fine. Hard, not as easy as slacker schools like Yale.
RORY: I'm assuming you're looking for Paris?
JAMIE: Yeah. I'm actually in town for a couple of days, so I'll probably see you at some point.
RORY: Great. Here she is. [she hands the phone to Paris and prepares to exit.]
PARIS: [briskly]Hey, I was just stepping out the door, what's up? [pause] Fine. [pause] Your hotel room's good? [pause] Good. [pause] Well, probably not tonight, unfortunately. Things are really bad on my end. [pause] I know, I'm so sorry but tonight was tentative, remember? Tonight wasn't set in stone. [pause] Well, I'm - d*ad tired, I have tons of studying to do and we have a little drama going on here at the suite. Rory's small town friend, Lane, is crashing in with us. She got kicked out of her house, and she's in pretty bad shape. She's pretty heavy into the drugs, totally Nancy Spungening it, chasing the dragon, and I kind of have to be here for support. The chick's bouncing off the walls. [pause] Yeah. Tomorrow, sure, absolutely. [pause] Tonight was tentative, Jamie, I'm sure I told you to pencil it in. Pencil. Okay, bye. [Paris clicks off the phone while both Lane and Rory are frowning at her]
PARIS: What?
RORY: Nothing.
PARIS: I had to say something like that. He doesn't always respond to the fact that I have to study, which I do, you know that.
RORY: Oh, sure.
PARIS: And I'm seeing him tomorrow anyway.
LANE: What's "chasing the dragon?"
PARIS: I've gotta go [walks off with Lane pursuing]
LANE: But I don't think you should be saying that. [far away] it might get around and I don't…
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW WET STREETS
[Luke is driving his truck with an annoying tail-gaiter behind him. The black sports car's horn honks, with it's lights flashing - obviously in a hurry]
LUKE: Hey, take it easy! [Luke eventually pulls over to curb, and the flashy car roars past. Luke exits his truck.] Jerk!
CUT TO LORELAI'S LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai is sitting with her purse in lap, waiting. She checks a nearby clock then wanders to her front window and looks out. To her dismay, she sees Jason's black sports car is parked in the driveway with Jason inside.]
CUT TO OUTSIDE LORELAI'S FRONT DOOR.
[Lorelai approaches Jason's car with muffled sounds of Japanese voices coming from inside. Jason is on a business conference call via his car's speaker-phone. She softly taps the window glass. Jason lowers the window and motions for quiet from Lorelai. The voices sound increasingly agitated.]
JASON: Gentleman, gentlemen. There is no way to one hundred percent avoid liability for on-site accidents at any of your plants. It is unfortunate, but international accords preclude it. Uh, can you please translate Mr. Watanabi?
MR. WATANABI VOICE: Okay - [continues in Japanese]
JASON: [whispering] I'm sorry.
LORELAI: What happed to taking the morning off?
JASON: I have the morning off. Japan does not have the morning off. Here. [pats the seat next to him] Care to join me?
LORELAI: With all those Japanese business men in the car? Kinky.
MR. WATANABI VOICE: Kinky? I'm sorry, what is kinky?
JASON: Uh, y-you don't have to translate that, Mr. Watanabi. Where are we?
MR. WATANABI VOICE: They must confer.
JASON: [under his breath] Oh, they really dig conferring. [normal tone] Please tell them that I will call them again tomorrow. Minna-san domo arigato. Gozaimasu.
MR. MIDI VOICE: [responds politely in Japanese and disconnects transmission]
JASON: Here come on, get in here. It's cold out side.
LORELAI: I thought we'd take my Jeep. It holds more stuff.
JASON: That's good thinking. [he gets out of the black Mercedes and gives Lorelai and brief but warm kiss] Hello.
LORELAI: Hello.
JASON: So, where are we off today?
LORELAI: Well, I've got a fabulous little list here. [she pats her purse] Lots of places in neighboring Woodbury and we'll have to get a newspaper.
JASON: For --
LORELAI: -- finding d*ad people.
JASON: Ah, estate sales, got it.
LORELAI: Then we can come back, h*t a few places here and then grab some lunch.
JASON: Do we have time for coffee now? I haven't had any for hours.
LORELAI: For hours? When did you get up?
JASON: Five.
LORELAI: Wow, they have one of those in the morning too?
JASON: You know how Asia is not taking the morning off? Neither is Europe.
LORELAI: Well, coffee, it is then.
JASON: How about you taking me to that place you're always talking about. What is it, um - Duke's.
LORELAI: [chuckles] Duke's. Sure. Or, uh, we could go some place else.
JASON: Why? Why not Duke's?
LORELAI: It's not so special.
JASON: You go there daily.
LORELAI: Yeah, but I think Duke's is closed… and it's Luke's.
JASON: Closed at eight in the morning on a Friday?
LORELAI: Yeah. Sabbath.
JASON: Duke's a Jew.
LORELAI: No, Luke's a Jew.
JASON: Sabbath's not 'til sundown.
LORELAI: Well, he likes to get an early jump on his - Sabbathing.
JASON: I bet he's open.
LORELAI: Okay, but we run the risk of going and then discovering it's closed.
JASON: Well, I say live dangerously or not at all.
LORELAI: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. All the other coffee in town sucks. Let's just go to Duke's - which is Luke's.
JASON: Which is Luke's?
LORELAI: [grinning] Dukes.
JASON: What? [Lorelai giggles]
CUT TO LORELAI'S JEEP IN STARS HOLLOW TRAFFIC
[Jason is talking on cell phone while Lorelai drives]
JASON: No, no Rietgaard, those documents were Fed-Ex'd to you on Wednesday. Uh, the dok-umen-ten were Fed-Ex'd, on - aw, sh**t, on… Monday is maandag, Tuesday is dinsdag… [to Lorelai] How's your Dutch?
LORELAI: Oh great. I just don't like to share it.
JASON: I'll just have the office fax it all over to you today. It's okay.
LORELAI: Hey, is he ice-skating under a windmill, that's the picture I have in my head.
JASON: Okay, Rietgaard, good bye. Bye. [closes cell phone and sighs] I am exhausted.
LORELAI: Aww, and on your morning off!
JASON: Yeah, I stink at taking mornings off.
LORELAI: Well, here we are. [she pulls up in front of Luke's diner and turns off Jeep]
JASON: Ahh, wait.[A pause as he recognizes Luke's green truck across the street]
LORELAI: No more calls.
JASON: Whose truck is that? [pointing] Duke's?
LORELAI: Yeah, Luke's.
JASON: Are they different people?
LORELAI: Same person.
JASON: And that's his truck.
LORELAI: Yes, it's practically an appendage.
JASON: [Indicating the familiar diner owner through the window] Sooooo, that would be Luke.
LORELAI: Boy, you sure like to do a lot of research before getting a cup of coffee. That's the doorknob. It twists to the right. C'mon. [starts to remove safety belt]
JASON: Ahhh -
LORELAI: What is with you?
JASON: Yeah, I'm not in the mood for coffee anymore.
LORELAI: [gasps at the obvious lie] You were jonesing not 5 minutes ago.
JASON: No, it's passed. My 5 a.m. coffee just kicked in again.
LORELAI: You drink time-released coffee?
JASON: [shrugs] It's all the rage.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, I want coffee. [pulls off safety belt and prepares to get out]
JASON: Okay, I'll wait for you here.
LORELAI: What is with you?
JASON: [Pause] I-I was kind of tailgating Duke on the drive in.
LORELAI: You were tailgating Luke?
JASON: Pretty rudely. There was honking.
LORELAI: Aw, geez.
JASON: Well, I didn't know it was Duke.
LORELAI: How fast was he going?
JASON: Snail's speed. Like twenty.
LORELAI: The speed limit here is twelve!
JASON: Okay See this is one of the problems I have with small towns - proximity. [During Jason's rant, Luke looks out the window, recognizes Lorelai's jeep out front. Looking closer he sees a man sitting next to her] You tailgate a guy in Manhattan and you never see him again, you tailgate a guy in a small town, he is the keeper of the coffee. [He looks over at the diner window]. And he is looking at us!
LORELAI: Who Luke?
JASON: Is that his name?
LORELAI: YES! [she peers past Jason to see Luke]
JASON: Okay, don't look at him! Don't look at him!
LORELAI: This is ridiculous!
JASON: Okay go, go, go! [motions for her to drive away]
LORELAI: Where?!
JASON: Anywhere - else - for coffee, please.
LORELAI: Okay. [starts up the engine and drives 5 feet and stops]
JASON: Why are we stopping?
LORELAI: Um, the next best place for coffee is at this place. [pointing to the next building]
JASON: Okay Please find us coffee at least fifty yards away from Duke's.
LORELAI: [mocking] Oh, oh okay finding coffee fifty yards from Luke's is another matter. [they drive away]
CUT TO YALE CAFETERIA
[Rory is taking her lunch tray to a table and almost bumps into Jamie.]
JAMIE: Hey Rory.
RORY: Oh, Jamie, hi.
JAMIE: Sorry to pounce on you like that.
RORY: That's okay, you're not pouncing. Wanna sit? [she sets her lunch tray on table]
JAMIE: Thanks. [they both sit] Listen, do you - ?
RORY: Do I what?
JAMIE: Look, I need to find out what's up with Paris, and I don't know who else to ask.
RORY: Oh.
JAMIE: I mean, I had to rearrange a million things to come here, and I could only manage two days and she won't see me.
RORY: Well, you're going to see her tomorrow, aren't you?
JAMIE: If she doesn't cancel.
RORY: She's not going to cancel. [Jamie gives her a doubtful look] She wouldn't.
JAMIE: Well, she's been canceling plans for weeks. She's not calling me as much - I know, I sound pathetic.
RORY: No you don't, and Paris has been so busy. You've been a freshman in college, you know what that entails.
JAMIE: Yeah. [unconvinced]
RORY: Plus, I heard her telling you about my friend, Lane. She's been living in our suite and it's been really unfair to all my roommates.
JAMIE: What is "chasing the dragon?"
RORY: I don't know, but that's what Lane says she's been doing. She's in cold turkey now - going it, I mean - cold turkey and -- um -- Paris has been really great helping out.
JAMIE: Has she been seeing someone else?
RORY: [shrugs] Not that I know of.
JAMIE: [smiles and rises to go] I'll let you go. Thanks, this actually helped.
RORY: Good. It will get better, Jamie. I really think that.
JAMIE: Good. [backs away] It's my birthday.
RORY: Oh wow, happy birthday.
JAMIE: Thanks. [Jamie turns and leaves. Rory watches him walk away]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is at the cash register with a departing customer. Kirk is the only person left in the empty diner.]
LUKE: [He hands change to the customer who leaves] Thanks. [walks to the opposite end of the counter and rests his head on the cool surface. The mystery woman enters the diner from the back stairs.]
WOMAN: Hey!
LUKE: [startled] Oh yeah.
WOMAN: You forget about me?
LUKE: No, I'm just real, real busy, that's all.
WOMAN: [looks around] Looks like a lull to me.
LUKE: No, it can be deceptive. Hey, Kirk, you want another piece of pie?
KIRK: No, I'm fine. And this is the commencement of your classic mid-morning lull. People off to work, kids off to school. You may not have another soul in here for half an hour. It gets peaceful, quiet - kind of like a sweet death.
WOMAN: [murmurs] He's trippy.
LUKE: Kirk, are you sure you don't want anything else?
KIRK: A spider monkey, but there is probably nothing you can do about it.
WOMAN: Cool. C'mon. [disappears behind the drape to go back upstairs]
LUKE: Coming sis. [slowly follows her]
CUT TO LUKE'SAPARTMENTT - OPEN DOOR
LUKE: [He enters, closes the door and looks around] Liz? Liz?
LIZ: [her call is muffled and off camera] I'm in the closet. Oh my God. It's still here.
LUKE: What's still there?
LIZ: My pot.
LUKE: Your what?
LIZ: I used to stash it in a hole back behind Daddy's files cause it was the one place he wouldn't look. Isn't that wild? It's still here.
LUKE: [snatches it from her] Will you give me that.
LIZ: Relax, will ya. I don't do that any more. [Luke stuffs it in a kitchen drawer] What are you doing?
LUKE: I'm putting it away.
LIZ: Throw it in the trash.
LUKE: So the garbage man can see it?
LIZ: Isn't Hayward Donnelly still the garbage man?
LUKE: Yes.
LIZ: Well hell, he sold it to me.
LUKE: I'll get rid of it, okay Liz?
LIZ: Okay, Luke. [she smiles at him] Boy, you look good. What about me, don't I look good?
LUKE: [looks uncomfortable] You look fine.
LIZ: I do not look fine, I look good. I am good. I am really good, Luke.
LUKE: Well, I'm glad.
LIZ: [indicates the table] I made us some coffee.
LUKE: I don't drink coffee.
LIZ: [urges him to sit] Well, sit down and watch me drink it then. Come on, just for a minute. [Luke sits down with Liz and silently watches her pour coffee] Look at us - catching up, and all. I haven't seen you in two years.
LUKE: Three years.
LIZ: Three years, wow.
LUKE: Liz, I gotta know why you're here.
LIZ: To see you, I've missed you.
LUKE: C'mon.
LIZ: I did, plus it's my twentieth high school reunion this Saturday, I thought I'd maybe come back and I'd check out what the rest of the class of 84's up to.
LUKE: You're going to your high school reunion?
LIZ: I even sent in a picture for the program. Wrote a little thing about myself, about how things are going good, I've got a great job, I've just moved into a really cool apartment with a big patio so I can finally get a dog. Plus, I have got -
LUKE: Wait, wait, wait - let me guess. A new, a new boyfriend!
LIZ: Yes!
LUKE: And this one - Oh, let me guess - is different from the others.
LIZ: Yes, he is.
LUKE: I dare say, that he might even be the one!
LIZ: Well, yeah!
LUKE: [he stands and opens the refrigerator] C'mon, Liz.
LIZ: You should meet him.
LUKE: Well you know what? As long as, unlike the others, he leaves your TV when he takes off, I'll love him.
LIZ: Okay, fine. You have good reason to think, to doubt -
LUKE: Good reasons? Liz, every time you find the one you wind up with your bank account cleaned out, your stuff missing, crying on the phone to me to bail you out, which I do happily, but you'll understand if I hold off on planning for the bachelor party for a while. [pours orange juice and takes a drink from his glass]
LIZ: Sure. Well - anyway - let's talk about something else.
LUKE: Yes. Let's talk about something else. You said you had a new job.
LIZ: Yes, I do. I do. I'm making my own jewelry: beaded necklaces and earrings, some crystal, getting into feathers now.
LUKE: Feathers?
LIZ: I'm really good, very big on the renaissance fair circuit.
LUKE: What's that?
LIZ: That's where I sell them, the renaissance fair circuit. It's a total trip. I wear the long skirt, I have a hat and one of those corsets that squishes my boobs all up high. And I yell "Huzza for the tipper!"
LUKE: And that's your great new job? You sell earrings at the renaissance fair?
LIZ: I know it sounds flaky -
LUKE: Oh no, what - huzzah for the tipper with your squished up boobs, not flaky at all. Look, I have to go back to work.
LIZ: Luke, come on.
LUKE: What come on, Liz? I mean, you're selling earrings in a booth and you're hooked up with another winner.
LIZ: You don't even know him.
LUKE: What about your son, huh? What about Jess, you talk to him lately? You notice he's not even here?
LIZ: Yeah, he sent me a letter. He's with his father.
LUKE: That's it? That's the extent of the contact?
LIZ: He's nineteen, you can't tell him anything.
LUKE: Well, you definitely can't if you don't try.
LIZ: I tried.
LUKE: No, I tried, you gave up.
LIZ: I thought you'd be better for him that I was.
LUKE: Oh yeah, I was great for him. I gave him a place to crash while he lied to me about everything, about going to school, about Wal-Mart - you know I stole his car?
LIZ: You what?
LUKE: In the middle of the night. I break into his car. I'm stealing it and hiding it in Dad's old garage.
LIZ: [chuckling] Why?
LUKE: Why? Because I'm crazy. Because I think now he'll have to go to school, now he'll have to graduate, now - [sigh] well, we saw how that all turned out, he went to live with the bum who abandoned him - that's how great a job I did. [he sighs deeply and takes a gulp of his orange juice]
LIZ: You tried.
LUKE: Well, I'm great at trying aren't I? [deep sigh]
LIZ: Well, I know you have a lot of work to do, so I'm gonna go. [she rises and starts to leave]
LUKE: Where you staying?
LIZ: With Carrie Duncan.
LUKE: Crazy Carrie Duncan?
LIZ: She's not crazy, she just likes the boys.
LUKE: I'll say.
LIZ: You should talk. You made out with her at the homecoming game.
LUKE: I did not. [Liz laughs in disbelief] I didn't not make out with Crazy Carrie Duncan at the homecoming game.
LIZ: It was really good to see you. And you do look good. [Luke stares at his hands] I will make sure Carrie knows that. [exits]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW STREET OUTSIDE KIM'S ANTIQUES.
[Lorelai and Jason pull up in her jeep and get out. Jason is still talking on his cell phone.]
JASON: Wait, wait, wait, wait the tracking says its in Atlanta. What is it doing in Atlanta?
LORELAI: Who is this country that speaks English?
JASON: It's America.
LORELAI: Everyday she learns something new.
JASON: Okay, Dennis, it is time to get proactive on this.
LORELAI: This is when mild mannered Jason Stiles suddenly darted into a phone booth and ripped off his shirt and became - Proactive Man.
JASON: What? I'm sorry I didn't get that last part.
LORELAI: Able to be proactive where ever there is activity of a pro nature.
JASON: Dennis, just do this. A messenger is coming in an hour to pick up the box with the checks -- the box with the checks in the drawer by the floor.
LORELAI: The vessel with the pestle holds the brew that is true.
JASON: [stares at her in disbelief and suppresses a chuckle] I'm sorry, I'm kind of distracted.
LORELAI: [hisses] Get off the phone!
JASON: [muffles the phone] It's the last one, I promise - two minutes tops.
LORELAI: Two minutes and I'm going to throw that thing in the lake.
JASON: There's a lake?
LORELAI: We just drove by the lake.
JASON: Aw, I missed the lake, can we drive by it again later?
LORELAI: Two minutes! [exasperated, she walks away to the entrance of Kim's Antiques]
CUT TO THE INSIDE ENTRANCE OF KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Lorelai enters and looks around. Mrs. Kim enters with a man following.]
MRS. KIM: My deliveryman is very good, very dependable. He will call you with a two hour window. Let me check his availability.
CUSTOMER: Thank you
MRS. KIM: [turns and sees Lorelai]
LORELAI: Hi Mrs. Kim. Hi.
MRS. KIM: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Wow, you've got a lot of new stuff in here. [She watches as Mrs. Kim searches for paperwork in a nearby drawer, then leans closer to speak quietly.] She's fine. She's at Yale with Rory.
MRS. KIM: [pulls out schedule book and smiles] Here it is. Let's see, we have Monday between one and three open.
CUSTOMER: Great.
CUT TO EXTERIOR OF KIM'S ANTIQUES
JASON: [still on cell phone] No, no, no. I don't see any reason why that can't work out.
LORELAI: [at the entrance - gasps when she sees Jason still on phone] Okay! Ah, I'm sorry but your two minutes are up. Asia, Africa and where ever Jvork is from is just going to have to wait because I'm putting a kibosh on that phone. [Jason waves and gestures wildly to her as she approaches him] I'm sorry mister but I'm clicking that thing off myself.
JASON: No, no, no. I am still here, Emily! [Lorelai gasps] There's just a lot of commotion around me. No, I'm not in the office. I took the morning off. Yes, Richard deserves a morning off too. Okay, I'll see you at the hotel. Okay, bye. [clicks phone closed and turns to Lorelai] I pulled a muscle waving at you.
LORELAI: How was I supposed to know you were talking to my mother?
JASON: It was a very personal wave. It was a big, broad, over the top personal wave.
LORELAI: She called you?
JASON: She called.
LORELAI: [Mock serious tone] Are you doing like a Mrs. Robinson thing with my mother?
JASON: [return mock serious tone] Yes. I was visiting Richard one day, and he stepped out and Emily lit a cigarette and did that triangle thing with her thigh.
LORELAI: Well, you said hotel.
JASON: Well, she wants me to come to some charity thing at a hotel tomorrow. [Lorelai's cell phone rings and moves to answer] Hey, wait, wait a minute. If I can't be on the phone then you cannot be on the phon..
LORELAI: [she answers the call] Hello?
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE LIVING ROOM AND MOVES BETWEEN STARS HOLLOW AND LIVING ROOM
EMILY: Lorelai, its me.
JASON: Lorelai Gilmore's a hypocrite!
LORELAI: Hello Emily!
EMILY: Why are you calling me Emily?
LORELAI: 'Cause that's your name, ask me again and I tell you the same.
EMILY: And who was that yelling?
LORELAI: No one you'd know. What's up?
EMILY VOICE: Well, I'm having trouble filling these eight seats your father bought for the rare manuscript acquisition charity dinner tomorrow night.
JASON: [answers his ringing phone] This is Jason. Oops. [walks away from Lorelai]
EMILY: That's the same man I heard before. Is he harassing you?
LORELAI: [slowly walks away from Jason's conversation] Ah, err, yes. I'm on the street. Get away you! It's just insanity out here today.
EMILY: Well, that's not good. Walk down a different street.
LORELAI: I'm turning the corner as we speak. So, what, there's a manuscript thing?
EMILY: Yes, it's a fund-raiser, and we're stuck and I'm desperate for attendees.
LORELAI: I'll go. Sure. Yes.
EMILY: Really?
LORELAI: I'll be there. How much - how much do I give?
EMILY: Nothing. We've already paid.
LORELAI: Okay, why don't you leave the details on where to meet up and all on the home machine.
EMILY: I will, thank you, and please get out of the street.
LORELAI: I will, bye. [she walks back to where Jason is standing]
JASON: Okay, okay, bye. [hangs up] Did she hear me?
LORELAI: Yes, but she thinks you're a raving street loon.
JASON: Okay, this is exactly the reason why I hate hiding relationships
LORELAI: I know.
JASON: We're gonna get caught.
LORELAI: We can't tell them.
JASON: We're gonna get caught.
LORELAI: This is just a freak occurrence.
JASON: This is destined to be repeated.
LORELAI: They'll be mad that I hid it.
JASON: They'll be madder the longer you hide it.
LORELAI: They'll screw things up, I don't want that. I like us.
JASON: But, it's inevitable. They're gonna see us together someplace, or a traffic report will take pictures of cars on the expressway and we'll be sitting in the car - and then Richard will be watching the news and he will see us, so barring some sort of Star Trek-like cloaking device - which was problematic in every incarnation of Star Trek - I remember Kirk complaining about it, I remember Picard complaining about it - they will see us, and we'll get caught.
LORELAI: I'm very uncomfortable dating a Trekkie.
JASON: Ah, I-I just don't feel good about this. It makes me very nervous. Listen, I've a very difficult phone call this morning with our Japanese partners and I didn't ever break a sweat, I had that testy call from the client from California - not a drop, but your mother calls and I'm soaked through.
LORELAI: On your morning off too, I'm sorry.
JASON: That's okay.
LORELAI: Do you want me to wring your shirt out for you?
JASON: No, it's old - and I like us too, by the way which is why I feel so strongly about this.
LORELAI: I know.
JASON: I'm not mad.
LORELAI: I know that too. [guiltily shifts her feet]
JASON: And I'll do what ever you want, you know them better than I.
LORELAI: I'll tell them.
JASON: Really?
LORELAI: Yes. Yes. Tonight's our Friday night dinner. Dad's gone, but starting with Emily might be for the best.
JASON: I could talk to Richard, if you want.
LORELAI: Oh no, its my thing. I'll do it.
JASON: Good. Oh, look phone is off.
LORELAI: Oh. Good, let's go buy some furniture.
CUT TO DORM COMMON ROOM
[Rory enters and looks around. Paris is sitting by herself with C-Span playing on TV]
RORY: So, you're just sitting here watching TV?
PARIS: I'm studying. Look at Ted Kennedy, huh? I always admired him as a senator, but you see him and think: It's just so unfair that fat men look good in suits. We girls get a couple of pounds and every piece of fashion betrays…
RORY: [clicks off the TV] Off.
PARIS: What?
RORY: I want to talk to you about your boyfriend situation, Paris.
PARIS: Jamie?
RORY: I'm sorry, I should have clarified "boyfriends."
PARIS: Oh. You mean a certain other fella.
RORY: Let's cut the coyness. I want to talk about you having an affair with Professor Asher Fleming and at the same time stringing along poor Jamie, with no concern for his feelings.
PARIS: It's not an affair.
RORY: Affair. Relationship. Fling. Tete-a-tete. What ever you want to call it.
PARIS: Well, I'm very surprised by this.
RORY: How so?
PARIS: You've never wanted to discuss Asher before.
RORY: Well, I don't particularly want to discuss him now, but I'm forced to.
PARIS: What's forcing you --
RORY: I just ran into Jamie, and he's wandering around lonely, missing you, scared of losing you, and you're sitting here watching C-SPAN!
PARIS: Nobody watches C-SPAN. It's just on in the background.
RORY: Well you gotta choose Paris, because this is becoming pretty clear that the what-ever-you-want-to-call-it with the professor is not a short-lived thing.
PARIS: I'd say that's accurate, and you can just call him Asher.
RORY: No, he's my teacher, so I think I'll stick with professor.
PARIS: Professor just makes him sound old.
RORY: He IS old!
PARIS: He's sixty. Today's sixty is what fifty was twenty years ago and he's got the body of a forty year old.
RORY: I really don't want to talk about his body.
PARIS: I'm not denying that we've got a May-December romance going on here.
RORY: This is not May-December, this is May - Ming Dynasty.
PARIS: An age difference like this is very common. People dating people the same age are passe now.
RORY: My grandfather introduced you to him. Do you see how awkward this is for me?
PARIS: Well, hot men tend to run in packs.
RORY: Do not ever say anything like that again.
PARIS: Mary, you are such a prude.
RORY: Well, at least I'm not mean to people who love me. Where is your heart?
PARIS: I know I've mishandled the Jamie situation. He just can't take a hint.
RORY: Well, you gotta do something, because one of us here does care about Jamie and I think its me.
PARIS: I know. He's my first real boyfriend.
RORY: Well, you got lucky with him.
PARIS: And he's crazy about me, I never quite figured out why.
RORY: Oh, don't get so self-deprecating. It's obnoxious.
PARIS: He's been so forgiving. I've been pretty mean. [picks up cordless phone and starts dialing]
RORY: Just talk to him and see how it goes.
PARIS: [into phone] Hey, it's me. We've got to end this - now. [Rory is shocked.] There's just no reason to prolong it. Sorry you came all the way out here. Well, Rory show me the light. She made me see there's just no point in going on.
RORY: Paris!
PARIS: No, she just came home and we talked. She's right here if you want to ask her, yourself.
RORY: Do not give me that phone!
PARIS: Anyhow, I'm really sorry Jamie. Really. Bye.
RORY: That had all the tact of a n*zi storm trooper.
PARIS: It was your idea.
RORY: Breaking up was not my idea.
PARIS: Well, he'd be stupid if he thought that's why I'd do it. [stands and paces] This was good. It was right. I'm glad I did it. You can have the TV if you want. [exits to bedroom]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW OUTSIDE DAY
[Luke helps elderly Mrs. Cassini down the curb as she holds a bag of groceries]
MRS. CASSINI: Hello Luke. It's getting cold again isn't it?
LUKE: Yup, it's that unpredictable time of year, Mrs. Cassini.
MRS. CASSINI: Stay warm.
LUKE: Yeah, you too. [He approaches a small locked garage and searches for the key. He notices the lock has been cut. He opens the swinging doors and sees a large wide empty space inside. He expression changes from shock to disappointment.]
CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S DINER
LUKE: [talking on phone] It's a Rambler Ambassador, four door, a rusty brown pretty much a b*at-up clunker. [pause] No. I don't know how long its been missing. [pause] I mean I saw it for sure last week. Nah, I don't drive it much, it's a second car, okay? [long pause and he sighs] Just, just call me when you find it. Thanks, Bye. [he hangs up]
CUT TO DORM BEDROOM
[Rory is packing clothes as Paris enters]
PARIS: Oh hey.
RORY: Hey.
PARIS: Tanna just told me that that Chester Fleet guy liked her hair and asked her out. She's throwing up now.
RORY: Good for her.
PARIS: Going somewhere?
RORY: Home for the weekend.
PARIS: Just to get away from me?
RORY: No, I've got dinner at my grandma's tonight - obligatory thing - and our town's having its Firelight Festival tomorrow which I haven't missed since I was one, so not seeing you is - Well - quite frankly just a fringe benefit.
PARIS: Would it make you feel any better to know how awful I feel?
RORY: Nope.
PARIS: I don't understand why you're so upset about this.
RORY: I know you don't.
PARIS: I tried to call Jamie again, he won't pick up.
RORY: Can you blame him?
PARIS: No. I know I let it go too long. I just wasn't sure what Asher was thinking at first. I wasn't sure if it was just a fling for him. But over the past couple of weeks, he's been mentioning stuff about the future. He's spending a month teaching a couple of courses at Oxford over the summer and then he asked me what I was planning to do over the summer. I mean there is a definite implication that he was wondering if I was available during the summer. I think he might ask me to go with him to Oxford. I mean, why else would he ask?
RORY: Beats me.
PARIS: I'm not counting my chickens…
RORY: Its good thinking.
PARIS: But it is the first indication.
RORY: Look, I've gotta h*t the road.
PARIS: It was his accent that did it. I'm such the total Anglophile. When I was a kid, I was in love with Neal Kinnock.
RORY: Who?
PARIS: The former head of the Labour party. Teeth like a horse, but oh that voice, and then there was Roger Moore -
RORY: English accents are nice.
PARIS: He TiVos Frontline.
RORY: Who does?
PARIS: Asher. So we can watch it together.
RORY: Terrific.
PARIS: You don't think he meant we'd be together this summer?
RORY: I wasn't there.
PARIS: I'm not counting my chickens.
RORY: I think that's smart. [starts to leave]
PARIS: I never wanted to hurt Jamie. I just don't know how to do these things. I'm not very nice sometimes. I hope Asher doesn't see that in me. [long pause] I didn't mean to hold you up. Have a good weekend.
RORY: [pauses at the door] I just want you to be happy. You know that, right?
PARIS: [smiles for the first time] Thanks. I'm happy.
CUT TO LORELAI'S INTERIOR FRONT DOOR
[Rory enters to hear loud music.]
RORY: [calls out over the blare of the music before turning volume down] Mom? Hello?
LORELAI: [comes down stairs] Oh, Rory. Good. I did not go suddenly half deaf. Were you supposed to meet me here?
RORY: No, I'm a surprise.
LORELAI: As was your conception.
RORY: I'll just be two minutes. [exits to go to her room to change]
LORELAI: As was your conception.
RORY: [call off camera] Hey, how was your day with Jason?
LORELAI: Fun! He makes me laugh.
RORY: Aww, I like that
LORELAI: [calls out so Rory can hear] He's very off-center. It's been a while since I've been with someone off-center.
RORY: Cool.
LORELAI: I'm telling Mom tonight - about us.
RORY: I think Grandma knows you're my mother.
LORELAI: About me and Jason.
[Rory walks into the front hall, putting on her coat.]
RORY: Very brave.
LORELAI: Yeah. [she joins Rory and they walk through the kitchen] Jason's wanted to from the beginning. It's the mature thing to do and that's why I didn't want to do it, but it's time.
RORY: That's weird [looking in kitchen cabinet]
LORELAI: What's weird?
RORY: This. [takes out loaf of bread]
LORELAI: Bread? Bread is weird?
RORY: It's weird when its here. It does not make a good snack.
LORELAI: It does when you add stuff to it, like cheese.
RORY: We have cheese? [moves to the refrigerator and opens]
LORELAI: Yeah. It's not "Donner Pass", we have cheese.
RORY: Whoa! It's like a frickin' cornucopia.
LORELAI: Yeah, there's the stuff.
RORY: There's the cheese!
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. Why are you making such a big deal about this?
RORY: Because we never had real food in this house the whole time I was growing up.
LORELAI: What? We always had food. This fridge was never empty.
RORY: Well, yeah. We had left overs from take-out - cold pizza, Luke's fries, but never stuff you had to assemble.
LORELAI: Okay chill out on the inquiry. [pushes door closed]
RORY: Is that a cucumber?
LORELAI: Listen, you'd make a terrible private investigator, because you get hung up on all sorts of dumb stuff that does not matter - now come on. We're late, I'll drive. [leads her out the kitchen door]
RORY: Sounds good. [points to the basket on the stove] Oh my God, is that a tomato?
LORELAI: Enough already. Let's go.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - INTERIOR FROM DOOR
[Emily opens to greet Lorelai and Rory]
EMILY: Ah, my girls are arriving together.
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
RORY: Hi, Grandma.
EMILY: You smell like coffee. [assists the maid with their coats]
RORY: We haven't had any.
EMILY: It's so strong.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom. I really don't like you sniffing me.
RORY: Hey where's Grandpa tonight?
EMILY: He's in Manhattan having dinner with clients. He just called. They're at some restaurant near Times Square. He said that Times Square just keeps getting cleaner and cleaner. They didn't stumble upon one prost*tute the whole night.
LORELAI: Oh yeah. I heard the Disney Company had them all k*lled.
EMILY: What I don't understand is why Jason wouldn't make this trip instead.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, he's maybe busy with his own thing.
EMILY: I know for a fact he wasn't. Richard said he took the whole morning off.
LORELAI: Well, everyone deserves an occasional morning off.
EMILY: Richard never takes a morning off. He's up every day at five-thirty on the phone then it's out the door to the office. I bet Jason doesn't roll out of bed until eight.
LORELAI: On the contrary - he - probably gets up earlier than eight. You know, I would think that he would have to, to keep up with Dad.
RORY: [frowning] Makes sense.
LORELAI: [uncomfortable] Just a guess.
EMILY: I just find that boy so irritating. He's always trying to get in good with me. Complimenting me, agreeing with me. He's absolutely prostrating himself at my feet. It's so weak.
LORELAI: Well you're a formidable opponent, Mom. They don't call you the Edie Amine of the DAR for nothing.
EMILY: He's so grating about it. I'm never fully comfortable around him.
LORELAI: Well you should maybe try harder.
EMILY: I try. But every time I see him a new facet of his Jason-ish comes out.
LORELAI: It's good to have different facets, and there's probably a lot you don't know about him.
EMILY: Oh, I'm sure about that. You two would be perfect for each other.
LORELAI: What? Who, me and Jason?
EMILY: A match made in heaven.
LORELAI: Well, thanks a lot!
EMILY: Don't get upset. [rises to go make drinks]
LORELAI: Well Mom, you just spent the last five minutes listing every off-putting quality Jason has, real or imagined and then you put me on his level and you say we're perfect together. [Emily begins laughing at the bar table] What's so funny?
EMILY: I'm sorry - [continues to laugh]
LORELAI: Did I miss something? Did a clown come in behind me and start doing funny pratfalls, what?
EMILY: Just the idea of you and Jason together, it's funny.
LORELAI: [to a grinning Rory] It's funny.
EMILY: It's really funny. I just said it as a joke.
LORELAI: You said it as a joke.
EMILY: You took it so seriously.
LORELAI: But why is it so funny?
EMILY: Well, think about it.
LORELAI: I am. I just trying to figure out what you're thinking.
EMILY: Well, it's obvious.
LORELAI: It's not obvious to me or to Rory. Rory's wondering, aren't you?
RORY: Yeah, why is that so funny, Grandma?
EMILY: It would just be so ludicrous.
LORELAI: But why, because he's a - you know, he's a hard-working guy from what I know.
EMILY: [continues to laugh harder] I'm sorry, you're making me laugh even harder about it. I just said it off hand.
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: [offers drink to Lorelai] Martini?
LORELAI: You didn't have to shake it much with all that laughing, you know, the laughing just shook it on up for ya.
EMILY: It's good to laugh like that once in a while.
LORELAI: Oh yeah. I know.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE EXTERIOR FRONT DOOR
[Lorelai and Rory exit and walk toward their car. Lorelai appears unusually quiet.]
RORY: You okay? [Lorelai doesn't respond] You didn't tell her. Next time? How are your motor skills? I'll drive. [She takes the keys from her mother]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Police officer Cooper enters and approaches the counter where Luke is standing]
COOPER: Luke.
LUKE: Oh, Hey Coop.
COOPER: Good news, found the car.
LUKE: Oh good. Who would steal that thing. It's just a hunk of junk.
COOPER: It broke down on the expressway a couple of hours ago, the guy was in it.
LUKE: You got the guy?
COOPER: Yeah, but there's not a lot we can do, the guy's the owner.
LUKE: What do you mean? I'm the owner.
COOPER: Well, not according to the registration. It's registered to a --
LUKE: Jess Mariano. [watches the tow truck drive by]
COOPER: Yep. Says you're his uncle. Registration's long expired, too. It needs seeing to. But I just figured that since these seems like a family matter, I'd bring the car and the kid back to you. [Luke watches Jess step out of the police cruiser.]
LUKE: Yeah, a family matter.
CUT TO A VERY COLD STARS HOLLOW NIGHT - OUTSIDE NEAR THE FRONT OF LUKE'S DINER
[Voices are heard off camera while tow truck attendant is lowering Jess' car to the pavement.]
COOPER: Where do you want it?
LUKE: Right there's fine.
JESS: This isn't wasn't my idea.
COOPER: You'll take care of the registration?
[camera on Luke and Jess on the sidewalk. Officer Cooper is getting in his squad car.]
LUKE: Yeah, thanks Coop.
JESS: [sarcastic] Yeah, thanks Coop.
COOPER: [to his partner] Lets go, Frank.
LUKE: Well, look who's back.
JESS: I'm only here to retrieve my property.
LUKE: [crossed arms] You've got a lot of nerve.
JESS: You've got a lot of nerve.
LUKE: How so? [squad car drives away as they talk]
JESS: You stole my car. Coop should have arrested you, why didn't he arrest you?
LUKE: Free donuts.
JESS: Beautiful.
LUKE: So you got anything you wanna say?
JESS: You could have washed it once in a while?
LUKE: Okay fine, the car is yours, our business here is done, hasta la vista, have a nice life. [starts to leave]
JESS: Our business here is not done. My car is wrecked because of you.
LUKE: Oh yeah?
JESS: Three of the tires are leaking, its got no oil, the floats in the carburetor are probably cracked so it's back-f*ring like mad, I mean, people were ducking when I was driving by. Then it stalled and wouldn't start.
LUKE: Well, you can find Mr. Goodwrench in the Yellow Pages, I think it's under M or is it G? I can never tell with those kinds of things.
JESS: You're paying for the repairs.
LUKE: Oh, don't make me laugh.
JESS: It's broken because of you.
LUKE: That thing was a piece of junk to begin with, the paint is the only thing holding it together.
JESS: And the expired registration? I'm gonna have to pay a fine.
LUKE: So, I guess it didn't work out with your dad, huh?
JESS: It worked out fine.
LUKE: So, what are you doing back East, buddy? Still searching?
JESS: Been traveling.
LUKE: Well, thanks for all the swell cards and letters you sent while you were away.
JESS: You kicked me out, what were you expecting - a candygram?
LUKE: I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out.
JESS: Nice spin, you should work for Bush.
LUKE: So what did you get out of this Kerouac trip of yours? You write the great American novel or something? You learn how to play the harmonica?
JESS: What do you care, you're not my guardian anymore.
LUKE: And I bless every day that I'm not.
JESS: Well, when you're not good at something, it's best to cut and run.
LUKE: Aww, I'm sorry I tried to give you a decent life, Jess. I'm sorry I didn't think driving a fork-lift for the rest of your life was good enough for you.
JESS: Oh that is condescending, isn't it? I thought you were a friend of the working man.
LUKE: Oh, that sister of mine, what a prize. What a prize.
JESS: What does she have to do with any of this?
LUKE: I tell her about the car, she runs and tells you. That's what happened, right? Her claiming she had no contact.
JESS: Again, the car is mine. Liz was doing the right thing, that's what family does.
LUKE: Family? What a joke coming from you.
JESS: Go clean your counters, I'm tired.
LUKE: So, you staying in town?
JESS: I don't know of any twenty-four hour auto shops around here, do you?
LUKE: Well, you're not staying with me.
JESS: It didn't cross my mind.
LUKE: Get it fixed quick.
JESS: Believe me, no one wants it fixed faster than me.
LUKE: You stay away from her while you're here.
JESS: Stay away from who?
LUKE: You know who I mean.
JESS: Gee, you're so cryptic.
LUKE: You've done all the damage there you're gonna, okay?
JESS: I'm here to get my car, then I'm gone. [walks away from Luke toward his stranded car]
LUKE: Where are you staying?
JESS: Backseat's as comfy as anywhere.
LUKE: Fine. [As Jess gets in his chilly car, Luke returns to his diner]
CUT TO ANOTHER PART OF THE STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Rory and Lorelai exit Taylor's Soda Shoppe and walk together]
RORY: Please do not say that word again.
LORELAI: It's a free country.
RORY: Just say hot chocolate or say nothing at all.
LORELAI: Mmm, terrific "Ho-Cho".
RORY: Oooh, I hate that. It's so cutsey-wootsey.
LORELAI: Do you hate it as much as my favorite summer treat?
RORY: Don't!
LORELAI: An ice-cold Fro-Yo! [takes out her cell phone]
RORY: Stop! Just stop - who are you calling?
LORELAI: I'm calling Jason, I promised I would check in. [cell phone rings] Hello.
CUT TO JASON'S APARTMENT AND BACK TO STARS HOLLOW.
JASON: I'm dying here, how'd it go?
LORELAI: Weeeell, it didn't.
JASON: [disappointed sigh] Oh.
LORELAI: Sorry.
JASON's VOICE: You chicken out?
LORELAI: Na - it's a long story - the timing was very bad. [Rory stands shivering]
JASON'S VOICE: You chickened out.
LORELAI: No, no. I - ah, yeah - kind of. [Rory and Lorelai continue to walk down the sidewalk]
JASON: Lorelai, we've got to do it.
LORELAI: Well, the timing has to be right
JASON: It's going to be awkward no matter when you do it.
LORELAI: Not if they're both unconscious.
JASON: Yeah, but then you're going to be dealing with why both your parents are unconscious, and doctors consultations, and phoning friends and relatives - the timing is bad there too.
LORELAI: Listen, it's ah - trust me, this was not good timing, and I swear to you there'll be much better timing in the near future. [their stroll takes them to the front of Luke's diner where they stop. Rory notices a familiar car parked across the street. She slowly walks toward it.] Well, near is near - I can't define it more than that. Uh, it's closer than far, how's that?
RORY: [She stands close enough to see Jess asleep in the backseat.] I don't believe this.
LORELAI: [concerned] Uh, honey - I gotta call you back, okay? Bye. Um, is that - ?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: I don't believe this.
LORELAI: What is he doing here?
RORY: What is he doing - there? [indicating the car]
LORELAI: Asleep in his car - is he living in it?
RORY: I don't see stuff.
LORELAI: Does Luke know he's here?
RORY: Well, I know what you know.
LORELAI: [disbelief] He - may not know.
RORY: Well, it's right in front of his place. How could he not know?
LORELAI: Well, it's freezing out here. He could die, he must not know.
RORY: Or doesn't care.
LORELAI: Do you think David Blain put him up to this?
RORY: Why is he here? I mean, why did he come back?
LORELAI: Light's still on in there, Luke's in there somewhere - should we go talk to him?
RORY: [uncomfortable] No. It's too weird. [shivers] And it's - weird.
LORELAI: Definitely weird.
RORY: Well, I'll just see you at home. I'm - cause I don't want to deal with this. I'll see you at home. [She quickly walks off, while Lorelai pauses a moment before walking to Luke's diner door.]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER INTERIOR - CLOSED
[Lorelai taps on the door's glass window and Luke approaches and opens it.]
LUKE: Hey, come on in.
LORELAI: Are you aware of whose out there?
LUKE: Yeah, I'm aware [continues to stack chairs on tables]
LORELAI: That he's sleeping in his car?
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: It's about thirty-five degrees.
LUKE: He's a tough guy, he can take it.
LORELAI: Luke, why is he back here?
LUKE: Because I'm stupid.
LORELAI: Meaning?
LUKE: Well his mom showed up -- for what reason I don't know -- I'm still waiting for that shoe to drop. I mention Jess' car and then - boom - there's Jess.
LORELAI: So the mystery woman from this morning? That's Liz?
LUKE: In all her glory
LORELAI: Quite a day you've had.
LUKE: Oh, it's been delightful. I think Bobby McFerrin's gonna write one of those happy boop-boopdy-doo songs of his about this. I mean, she lied to me about having contact with Jess, so she's lied about everything else.
LORELAI: But why is he sleeping in his car?
LUKE: Because he's going to wait to have it fixed, it's a point of pride with the little punk. But please, don't tell Rory, he'll be gone tomorrow, no reason to upset her.
LORELAI: Well, she's already seen him.
LUKE: [grimacing] Oh man!
LORELAI: She's fine Luke. She's over it.
LUKE: Well, he won't go near her, I'll make sure of that.
LORELAI: Again, I don't think it's necessary. She can fend for herself.
LUKE: [exasperated] What a lie it all is!
LORELAI: All what is?
LUKE: Families. I mean, they're just messes. It's like this - spilled drink that just keeps spilling, and ya gotta keep cleaning it up, and you scrub and you scrub and you just can't get the stain up! Show me a happy family - just one. Didn't that Tolstoy-guy say something about families?
LORELAI: Probably
LUKE: It's a famous thing he said. It's like: "all families are unhappy" …or, or, or "happy on the surface"… or "unhappy in the same way"…
LORELAI: Sounds a little incomplete.
LUKE: Well, y'know, maybe he couldn't complete the thought because he was dealing with his stinkin' family.
LORELAI: Do the Hallmark people know about you? 'Cause you're a natural.
LUKE: (throws his hands up helplessly) I'm tired of cleaning up messes. I'm tired of helping people who do nothing to help themselves!
LORELAI: I'm sorry you're so upset. I just don't want you to have to deal with the frozen carcass in the morning
LUKE: He'll be fine.
LORELAI: Okay. Try to get some rest, okay? Relax. Watch a little TV - no family shows…
LUKE: (chuckles) Yeah, yeah… I'm going up now.
LORELAI: Bye. [she leaves and Luke, obviously upset, watches after her]
CUT TO LORELAI'S LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai enters front door shivering. Rory is studying on the couch.]
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Hey. So, do you want an update?
RORY: I guess.
LORELAI: Well, the whole thing - the mystery woman from this morning? Jess' mom.
RORY: Whoa.
LORELAI: Still a mystery though. Luke's not quite sure what she's up to.
RORY: She came with Jess?
LORELAI: She called him or something. It's very confusing. Luke was not in an expansive story telling mood. All he knows is that Jess said he came for his car and he's not leaving without it.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Yeah. Which means he might be here part of the day tomorrow, so uh, "Danger, Will Robinson."
RORY: I can live with it, really.
LORELAI: That's what I told Luke.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: Okay. So, I'm going to go upstairs, get warm - Good night.
RORY: Hey, um, before you go.
LORELAI: Hmm?
RORY: What happened to our movie channels?
LORELAI: What do you mean?
RORY: Well, I was flipping through cable and a bunch of our channels are gone.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, that's not right.
RORY: And you have bread.
LORELAI: [chuckles] There's a connection?
RORY: Are you skimping?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Cutting back on things, cable, eating out, the bread, the cheese, the tomato
LORELAI: Okay, hey - if you're going to try me in a court of law, the bread, the tomato and I will need to hire a lawyer.
RORY: There's no takeout in the fridge, no takeout containers in the trash.
LORELAI: You're going through the trash?
RORY: And I'm not seeing the stacks of magazines lying around. We always subscribe to everything.
LORELAI: Yes, we do. I've read them all, they're in recycle bin - you can go check.
RORY: It even seems a little darker in here - like you're using a lower watt bulb, or something.
LORELAI: Oh my God, you're reading into everything.
RORY: You're not having money problems?
LORELAI: No. I mean, I'm not going to be on the Fortune 500 list anytime soon, but I'm fine.
RORY: With the Inn and everything?
LORELAI: Yes. We're getting a horse.
RORY: Cool. And food for the horse?
LORELAI: He'll be well fed.
RORY: Just as long as you're well fed too.
LORELAI: Yeah, I'll call the cable company in the morning. I think we should be getting those channels.
RORY: Well, you'd tell me, right?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: [closes her study folder and kisses Lorelai's cheek] Well, goodnight.
LORELAI: Good night angel. [Rory rises and leaves. When she is out of sight, Lorelai clicks off the nearby table lamp.]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER DARK INTERIOR
[Luke sighs as he looks out the front window at Jess' parked car. He shrugs and comes to a decision]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW EXTERIOR - STREET
[Luke approaches Jess' stranded car and pounds loudly on the window.]
JESS: [muffled inside as Luke continues pounding on the glass] Go away. [Eventually Jess impatiently rises and rolls down the window.] What?
LUKE: I'm spending the night with Nicole.
JESS: Thanks for the update.
LUKE: The hidden key is still in the same place. Now, you can stay out here and freeze to death if you want or you can go inside, I don't really give a damn, it makes no difference to me. [walks off without waiting for an answer]
JESS: Fine. [rolls his window up]
[Luke gets in his green pickup truck and drives off around a corner. After a pause, the door of Jess' car opens and he gets out heading straight for the diner. Luke quietly rolls around the block corner to secretly watch Jess' progress. Jess neatly finds the hidden key and enters the diner. Luke sighs and drives off.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x12 - A Family Matter"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Chris Long
transcript by Aurélie
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is coming down the stairs into the living room. She is zipping up the extra cardigan she's wearing on top of her pajamas]
LORELAI: Cold, cold, cold, cold ! Icy feet, stupid frozen-tundra house! Oh. [She picks up a shawl and wraps herself in it. She sees someone sleeping on the couch, bundled in blankets.]
LORELAI: Honey, why are you sleeping in here? Your room is way warmer. [She turns up the thermostat and goes into the kitchen.] Okay, here's the question for today, kids. What the hell are the Eskimos thinking? I mean, yes, the hoods are cute, but it's always cold. Always! Plus you have to eat fish for breakfast and you have to eat whales and then polar bears and penguins and Santa Claus... [Comes back from the kitchen, towards the couch and sits on the sleeping figure] Okay, coffee's on, Pop-Tarts are pop-tarting! If you're just going to lie there, I'm going to have to sit here. I'm going to make myself very comfortable on a nice, warm Rory!
[Rory comes out of her room]
RORY: Why is it so cold in here?
LORELAI: Ahh!
RORY: Ahh!
[Rory ties the belt of her cardigan and comes near the couch]
LORELAI: I thought I was sitting on you!
RORY: Oh, really? Good trick...
LORELAI: Well, if you are there, then who is this?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: We've got a stranger in our house.
RORY: Robert Downey, Jr?
LORELAI: Or a m*rder.
RORY: ... who needed to take a nap before committing his crimes?
[Lorelai lifts the blankets to see Lane sleeping on the couch.]
LORELAI: I think this belongs to you.
RORY: She must have followed me home from Yale. I told her she could hang out there this weekend.
LORELAI: But why do that when you can come here and sleep where penguins need a coat?
RORY: Yeah, why is it so cold in here?
LORELAI: I broke that stupid window trying to lock it last night.
[They walk to the kitchen.]
RORY: Well, get it fixed, woman.
LORELAI: I left Luke a message just now. He'll do it.
RORY: Before or after the re-enactment of Alive?
LORELAI: Hopefully before.
RORY: Why don't you call a guy?
LORELAI: What guy?
RORY: A window fixing guy.
LORELAI: Ah, Luke always gets mad when I pay someone to do something that he could do for free. And then he lectures me about it every time I see him and it's annoying. "Oh, you paid him how much to fix the window? What, you couldn't just find someone to steal your purse that day? Hey, while you're at it I've got an idea, why don't you go down to a Versateller and let them charge you five bucks to take your own money out of the bank? Or buy some tickets at Ticketmaster and wind up paying more in service charges than it would cost you to see the band? Oh, here's a great fifty buck mark up on a bottle of wine that it would have cost you ten dollars in the supermarket you're missing!"
RORY: Oh my God, Luke is annoying.
LORELAI: So…
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Just wondering what you're thinking about.
RORY: I'm thinking about nothing.
LORELAI: Nothing wouldn't happen to wear a leather jacket and be able to pull off an extremely convincing "Adrian!" would it?
RORY: No, it wouldn't. You think he froze to death?
LORELAI: No, He wasn't sleeping here.
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: I'm sure Luke took care of it.
[Lane walks in.]
LANE: Hey, did somebody sit on me just now?
LORELAI: No, why?
LANE: My hip hurts.
LORELAI: Oh, getting old...
[Lane walks out of the room.]
LORELAI: Hey, did anyone ever think that maybe Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, she was just cold?
[opening credits]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Luke's driving his truck in the middle of a traffic jam. Horns are honking, people are yelling complaints. Luke pulls over, gets out of the truck and walks down the street to find out what's causing the traffic jam.]
JESS [in his car]: Come on guys, push harder.
KIRK [into a walkie-talkie]: We need more stars in the gazebo area. I repeat: We need more stars in the gazebo area. Do you copy? Roger.
JOE: I'm supposed to say roger, Kirk.
KIRK: I don't think so. Copy. Roger.
JOE: Roger means I heard you, Kirk. I was supposed to say roger.
KIRK: Negative. I am in charge here and I say roger! ROGER.
JOE: No, you don't.
WOMAN ON THE WALKIE TALKIE: Just let him say roger, Joe.
JOE: If he says roger, what the hell am I supposed to say?
WOMAN: Who cares?
JESS: Get out of the way, Kirk.
KIRK: Hold on. Roger.
JESS: This car is not stopping.
KIRK: I am planning the Firelight Festival. Taylor left me in charge, and I have to make sure everything is perfect.
JESS: MOVE!
KIRK: Roger.
LUKE [to Jess]: Shouldn't you have a marching band behind you?
JESS: Go away.
LUKE: The Budweiser Clydesdales prancing along, Ann Jillian waving in the back.
JESS: I've got to get my car to Gypsy so she can fix it and I can leave.
LUKE: So you decided to push it there.
JESS: I didn't have a choice.
MAN IN A CAR: Just push this piece of junk out of my way!
JESS: I'm going as fast as I can, jerk!
LUKE: Jess, do you at all find this ridiculous?
JESS: Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do find this ridiculous. I find it ridiculous that Gypsy won't walk twenty feet to take a look at my car.
LUKE: Hire a tow truck.
JESS: It costs eighty bucks to hire a tow truck. Oh, come on, it's like freakin' Carnivale out here.
LUKE: I'll give you the eighty bucks.
JESS: No.
LUKE: You're blocking the whole street.
JESS: I don't want your money.
LUKE: You wanna get out of here, let me pay the eighty bucks.
MAN PUSHING THE CAR: I'll pitch in ten.
JESS: Hey, how about more walkie, and less talkie.
LUKE: You're making a spectacle of yourself.
JESS: Go home, you won't have to watch.
LUKE: Fine.
[CUT TO GYPSY'S GARAGE]
JESS: Well?
GYPSY: Still looking.
JESS: What's the matter with it?
GYPSY: Still looking.
JESS: You've been circling around the thing for fifteen minutes. You waiting for it to tell you where it hurts?
GYPSY: I've seen dumber things talk.
JESS: Just tell me what's wrong with the car.
GYPSY: You need a carburetor.
JESS: So how long until it's fixed?
GYPSY: Not sure.
JESS: It has to be today. I have to walk out of this half-mile, four-block, freakhole of a medical experiment.
GYPSY: You are delightful. I'll have you out of here tonight. Go away and come back at closing.
JESS: Fine.
GYPSY: And bring a lot of money because I'm going to overcharge you like you've never been overcharged before.
JESS: I'll bet you say that to all the guys.
GYPSY: On second thought, maybe I'm closing early tonight.
JESS: I'm going.
[Jess turns to leave but stops when he sees couple standing across the street. He can only see the girl's back. She has long straight brown hair like Rory used to.]
GYPSY: That's not her.
JESS: What?
GYPSY: She cut her hair.
JESS: Don't know what you're talking about.
GYPSY: Okay, my mistake.
[Jess turns back to look at the couple. The girl turns around. It's not Rory.]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is taping plastic wrap over the hole in the window with pink Barbie doll Band-aids.]
LORELAI: Okay, now. Hold it. Oh, okay, how does it look?
LANE: Festive and femme.
LORELAI: Yes, and completely ineffective.
LANE: Maybe it just needs another layer.
LORELAI: Yes, of glass.
RORY: Nice. Something to protect us from freezer burn.
LORELAI: Come over here and help us.
RORY: I'm not going to help you Barbie Band-aid our window. I will, however, help you to call one of the many extremely qualified window repairmen that I've circled for you in the phone book.
LORELAI: Hey, if we fix the window before Luke comes over, he will have his feelings hurt. Do you want that?
RORY: Phone book's on the kitchen table.
LORELAI: Where are you going?
RORY: I'm going to take a walk, get a Danish, h*t the bookstore, and I'll be back for lunch.
LORELAI: Okay.
LORELAI: [to Lane] Maybe if we add a layer of tinfoil.
RORY: Hey, professional window guys are driving by, pointing and laughing. I just thought you should know.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[RORY walks out.]
LORELAI: So, listen, I have some errands to run today. Do you need anything?
LANE: No, I'm fine.
LORELAI: Okay. I'll probably be heading down Elm.
LANE: Well, that's a good street.
LORELAI: Yes, it is. If there is anything you'd want me to do on Elm, or anyone you wanted me to see, I could...
LANE: That's okay. Has she said anything to you?
LORELAI: No, but she's wanted to.
LANE: How can you tell?
LORELAI: Let's just say it's a mom thing.
LANE: Yeah, well...
[The phone rings.]
LORELAI: Okay, well maybe tomorrow then.
[Lane nods. Lorelai goes over to pick up the phone.]
LORELAI: Hello?
EMILY: It's a complete disaster!
LORELAI: My existence?
EMILY: Not everything is about you, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, sorry.
EMILY: The rare manuscripts acquisition fundraiser is tonight and we still haven't filled our table. I'm four people short.
RICHARD: The Burles are going to visit their daughter in New Hampshire.
EMILY: Well then they can just go straight to hell, then, can't they?
LORELAI: Mom, I already said I'd go.
EMILY: But we still have a half empty table.
LORELAI: Well, fewer people to fight over the centerpiece.
EMILY: Stop it. This is not funny. The last person who didn't fill her table was Loretta Bobbins. Do you remember Loretta Bobbins?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Exactly! Once you do not fill your table, you do not get another table to fill. You are off the list.
LORELAI: Mom, that's not gonna happen to you.
EMILY: You said you would come.
LORELAI: I am coming.
EMILY: And you're bringing someone.
LORELAI: I never said I was bringing someone.
EMILY: Well, I'm telling you to now.
LORELAI: Mom, it's tonight.
EMILY: I need you to bring someone, Lorelai.
LORELAI: But I…
EMILY: Loretta Bobbins, Lorelai.
[Richard walks in the room.]
RICHARD: All right, the Dartmores are trying to change Bitty's viewing. They'll call back in a minute.
EMILY: They owe us, Richard. Remind them that they owe us.
[Richard gestures soothingly while Emily finishes the conversation with Lorelai.]
EMILY: All right. I'll see you tonight at six o'clock sharp and don't wear those pantyhose with the seams up the back. You look like ten cents a dance.
[Emily hangs up the phone.]
EMILY: Richard, I need a gimlet.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINNER
[Kirk and Miss Patty walk in and sit at a table.]
KIRK: After we light the bonfire, the dancers should come through.
PATTY: Okay, Kirk.
KIRK: They'll circle the gazebo. Jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands. Then out come the flaming batons.
PATTY: That sounds good, Kirk.
KIRK: Are you ignoring me?
PATTY: Since you were old enough to walk, Kirk.
[Over at the counter]
LIZ: What do you think?
CARRIE: I think it's good.
LIZ: Is there too much turquoise?
CARRIE: Are you kidding? Turquoise is timeless.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LIZ: Oh, hey, Luke. You remember my friend Carrie, right?
LUKE: Oh, yeah. Hey, Carrie.
CARRIE: Hi, Butch, good to see you. Been under any bleachers lately?
LUKE: No, I haven't. What is that?
LIZ: It's an earring tree.
LUKE: And what is it for?
LIZ: You hang earrings on it.
LUKE: And what is it doing here?
LIZ: I thought I'd put some of my earrings out, you know, and see if I could sell some to the good people of Stars Hollow.
LUKE: No.
LIZ: Why?
CARRIE: They're cute.
LUKE: This is a diner. People come here to eat, not shop.
LIZ: But now they can do both.
LUKE: Uh-huh. Hey, Liz, can I talk to you for a moment?
CARRIE: Hey, Liz, you want me to negotiate with him for you?
LUKE: No, she doesn't, Carrie. Thanks for the offer. Liz, please?
LIZ: Sure, my brother.
[They go to the other end of the counter.]
LIZ: Why are you so stressed about this?
LUKE: Liz, do you remember when you decided to make those ceramic pots?
LIZ: Yes.
LUKE: Without a kiln?
LIZ: Yes.
LUKE: And how did that go?
LIZ: Pretty bad.
LUKE: You were depressed for a month, you cut all your hair, you threw out all your clothes...
LIZ: I remember the bad times.
LUKE: You put those earring out on my counter and nobody buys them…
LIZ: They sell great at the fairs.
LUKE: I'm sure they do, but this is not a renaissance fair. Look around. Everybody here has a life. No one's gonna buy them. Please, just--
PATTY: Oh, look at this. Oh, these are so cute! Luke, are you selling these?
LIZ: He sure is.
PATTY: Well, I'll take 'em.
KIRK: Excuse me, I wanted those.
PATTY: Turquoise? With your complexion?
KIRK: They're for Lulu. She's a sweetheart.
PATTY: Does she have pierced ears?
KIRK: Um, I can check. [Speaks into the walkie-talkie.] Joe, have you ever noticed my girlfriend's lobes?
JOE [over walkie-talkie]: What?
LUKE: Okay, thank you both for the show of support. It's very kind but you don't have to do this.
PATTY: Do what?
LUKE: Pretend that you like them because Liz made them.
PATTY: Who's pretending?
KIRK: Yeah, they're phat.
LUKE: They're gonna fall apart.
LIZ: No they're not.
LUKE: They're gonna make people's ears green and send them to the hospital.
LIZ: You cannot design my ad campaign.
LUKE: Liz!
LIZ: You need to nap, Jack. I'm cool, they're cool, everybody's cool.
PATTY: Stop, Kirk!
KIRK: Ouch! She slapped me! Who saw her slap me?
LIZ: Okay, relax you two. I can make you whatever you want!
CARRIE: I want these ones in fuchsia pink. I want these in purple...
CUT TO WESTON'S BAKERY
[Rory walks in.]
RORY: Hi, I'd like a large coffee and a cherry Danish, please.
[An employee hands her a paper cup. She walks over to the coffee pots and sees Jess sitting at a nearby table. They stare at each other for a few seconds.]
JESS: I'm leaving.
[He grabs his coat and walks out.]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SQUARE
[Kirk is talking into the walkie-talkie. Joe is yelling from across the square. ]
KIRK: A little farther back. Roger.
JOE: What?
KIRK: It's gotta go back farther. Roger.
JOE: I can't hear you.
KIRK: Speak into to your walkie-talkie. Roger.
JOE: Kirk, what are you saying?
KIRK: [into the walkie-talkie.] Speak into your... [Gives up and yells] Speak into your walkie-talkie! Roger!
JOE: I lost my walkie-talkie. I told you that.
KIRK: Well, then it's your own fault! Roger!
[Lorelai comes over. She sees Luke's truck about to pull out of its parking space and runs over to it.]
LORELAI: Hey, Luke, hey Luke, hold on! Please, I know you owe us nothing but our d*ad frozen carcasses may someday haunt you in your old age, or not... because… [She sees Liz on the driver's seat.] you don't know who I am. Hi. Sorry. I thought you were Luke.
LIZ: I should put on some lipstick.
LORELAI: No, I just saw the truck.
LIZ: Well, I borrowed the truck.
LORELAI: Right.
LIZ: He knows.
LORELAI: I'm sure he does.
LIZ: I'm Liz, Luke's sister.
LORELAI: Oh, Luke's sister, yeah, I knew you were here. Hi, I'm Lorelai. So, is Luke in the diner?
LIZ: No, he just stepped out for a sec. You need him for something?
LORELAI: I just needed to tell him something, I ...
LIZ: You want me to give him a message?
LORELAI: Sure, yeah, um, tell him Lorelai wanted to gently remind him about the window. I'll be home until five-thirty and tell him I looked cold.
LIZ: Oh, you're the wife.
LORELAI: The wife?
LIZ: Yeah, I knew he got married, but I hadn't seen the face yet. So, oh wow, it's good to meet you.
LORELAI: No, no, no. I'm not the wife. I'm the friend and the customer, not the wife.
LIZ: Oh, sorry. You look like his type, so…
LORELAI: No, no, not his type or his wife, just his friend. And his customer.
LIZ: Well, still good to meet you.
LORELAI: You too. Luke has told me a lot about you.
LIZ: Yeah, like what?
LORELAI: Oh, like you're his sister…
LIZ: He admits it!
LORELAI: And that, you know, you're here visiting him, and how happy he is that you're visiting him.
LIZ: He did not say that.
LORELAI: I think he did.
LIZ: He's not probably too thrilled I'm here. I'm kind of pain in his ass.
LORELAI: Well, aren't we all?
LIZ: Yeah, but I'm special. I kinda screw up a lot and then he has to fix it and then we fight and then I screw up again and he fixes it - it's a pattern.
LORELAI: Well, Luke likes his routine.
LIZ: He's pretty amazing though. No matter how much I screw up, he just keeps fixing it. I need money, he gives me money. No place to live, Luke finds an apartment. Even my kid when I was having trouble with him -- did you ever meet Jess?
LORELAI: Oh yes, I did.
LIZ: I tell you, he was hell on wheels. I couldn't do a thing with him. I didn't know what to do, so...
LORELAI: Luke fixed it?
LIZ: He tried. He wasn't entirely successful. I don't know, maybe if I had sent Jess to him a little sooner… Well, anyhow, Luke did what he could. He always does. He's like my hero, you know. Like one of those Greek gods with the golden helmets and the shields and the sandals.
LORELAI: And the little white toga dresses.
LIZ: I sound silly.
LORELAI: No, you don't. Take it from someone who's run to Luke many a time. He's definitely one of the good ones. Maybe THE good one.
LIZ: Yeah, I miss him. I've even been thinking of moving back here.
LORELAI: To Stars Hollow?
LIZ: Maybe. I've discussed it with my boyfriend. I'm not sure how Luke would like it, but I sure would. Well, I should get going.
LORELAI: Sure.
LIZ: Well, it was nice to meet you, friend and customer, not wife.
LORELAI: Nice to meet you too.
LIZ: I'll be sure and give him your message.
LORELAI: Don't forget, human popsicle.
[Liz drives away.]
CUT TO BABETTE'S HOUSE
[Babette is pouring drinks for Lorelai and Rory.]
BABETTE: Well, I have to tell you this is a real treat having you two girls over, like spur of the moment, I don't know what I did to get so damned lucky.
LORELAI: Well, we just realized we hadn't seen you very much lately and we thought "Hey, today is the perfect day to catch up with Babette."
RORY: Oh, yeah, the perfect day.
BABETTE: Well I am tickled pink. Here you go-- hot cocoa.
RORY: Thanks, Babette.
LORELAI: Ahh, we don't deserve such treatment.
BABETTE: Of course you do -- two young hotsy-totsies like yourselves hanging out with an old bird like me. You deserve a lot better. So, you kids going to the Firelight Festival tonight?
RORY: You bet.
LORELAI: We're going to be late though because we have to make a pit stop at one of my mother's charity events.
BABETTE: Ooh, sounds ritzy.
LORELAI: Like the cr*cker.
BABETTE: Well, the festival should be quite a shindig. Just watching Kirk trying to get those stars hung was worth the price of admission. You know, he insisted on demonstrating the correct way to hang 'em and treed himself. It took the f*re department and two cans of tuna to get him down.
RORY: I hate that I missed that.
BABETTE: Plus, the whole town is buzzing about Jess coming back. Stupid little pisher, trying to sneak out of town without anyone knowing. This town, what is he kidding? Oh, I'm so sorry, sugar. Here I am, going on and on about Jess.
RORY: It's fine, Babette. I'm fine.
LORELAI: She's fine.
BABETTE: You sure?
RORY: Yes. I'm sure.
LORELAI: She's fine.
RORY: I saw him.
LORELAI: Who?
BABETTE: Jess?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: When?
BABETTE: Where?
RORY: Today at Weston's.
LORELAI: He went into Weston's?
BABETTE: That little bastard.
LORELAI: What happened?
RORY: I went in, he saw me and he left.
BABETTE: No!
LORELAI: He said nothing?
RORY: No, he said something. He said, "I'm leaving."
LORELAI: Way to state the obvious.
RORY: It was so weird. I mean, he's the one who left town. He's the one who didn't call and now he just gets up and walks out like he's mad.
LORELAI: What does he have to be mad about?
RORY: Exactly! I should be mad. It's my town. I should be the one to walk out in a huff.
BABETTE: You still stuck on him, honey?
RORY: No, I'm not. I just wasn't expecting him to come back, that's all.
LORELAI: He'll be gone soon.
RORY: Yeah, I know. He'll be gone soon.
BABETTE: Oh my God, I forgot the marshmallows!
RORY: He'll be gone soon.
CUT TO STREET OUTSIDE LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk is chasing some kids down the street.]
KIRK: Mayday! Mayday! The Morrison kids have stolen the bonfire again! I repeat: the kids have stolen the bonfire again!
[Luke walks in his diner.]
LUKE: Cesar, I'm back. What did you burn? Liz!
LIZ: Luke, hi!
LUKE: What are you doing?
LIZ: I just needed some things.
LUKE: Steaks?
LIZ: Yeah.
LUKE: You needed steaks?
LIZ: Well, I'm making dinner upstairs and you don't have anything.
LUKE: Then go to a store.
LIZ: Oh, come on, a couple of steaks. What's the big deal?
LUKE: The big deal is, I run a diner. I sell food, that's how I make my living. It's how I can afford all this.
LIZ: Oh, you can spare a couple of things.
LUKE: How do you know what I can spare? That's a whole pie.
LIZ: It's a peach pie. Nobody eats the peach.
LUKE: A lot of people eat the peach.
LIZ: I'll buy a pie tomorrow. Tonight I'm making a feast for my guys.
LUKE: Your guys? Who are your guys?
LIZ: You and T.J.
LUKE: T. J.?
LIZ: Yep, you're really gonna like him. He's upstairs right now waiting for us and he--
LUKE: Upstairs in my apartment? You left some guy named T.J. alone in my apartment? Ah, Liz!
LIZ: I've been gone twenty seconds.
LUKE: That's all it takes.
LIZ: To do what? Steal the singing "Be Happy" Bass?
LUKE: Hey, that is my singing "Be Happy" Bass and it had better still be up there, including the batteries.
CUT TO LUKE'S APPARTMENT
[Luke walks in. T.J. has his back to the door.]
T.J.: Hey, I thought I'd make chili. [T.J. turns around and sees Luke.] You are not Liz.
LUKE: Already smarter than the last guy.
[Liz walks in with the groceries.]
LIZ: Hi, baby. Look what I found downstairs.
T.J.: You must be Luke.
LUKE: I think she's talking about the steaks.
LIZ: I was not talking about the steaks. This is my "Him." This is my guy. This is T.J.
T.J.: Guess what it stands for?
LUKE: What?
T.J.: T.J. Guess what it stands for?
LUKE: I don't know.
T.J.: Just guess.
LUKE: I can't.
T.J.: Come on.
LUKE: Thomas Jefferson?
T.J.: No. Thomas Jefferson? Wowl, that's a weird guess.
LUKE: Okay, you know, I've gotta go back.
LIZ: Oh no, come on, Cesar's there, sit down.
T.J.: You want a beer?
LUKE: You mean one of my beers out of my fridge? Sure, why not.
T.J.: Coming right up.
LIZ: Oh, I'm so excited. My two favorite guys are here with me, drinking, talking…
T.J.: And soon, there will be chili.
[Jess comes in.]
JESS: I forgot something.
LIZ: Oh my God, this is freaky. It's like fate. Jess didn't know we were here. I had no idea that Jess would come by and now look at us together. All the men in my life are drawn here to me. This is positive. This means something. Do you feel it?
T.J.: I sure do.
LIZ: Baby, this is my kid. This is Jess. Jess, this is T.J.
T.J.: Guess what it stands for.
JESS: No.
LIZ: Oh, you'll stay for dinner.
JESS: I've gotta go check on my car.
T.J.: Come on, we're making a ton of food. There's beer.
LUKE: My beer.
JESS: I'm not hungry.
LIZ: Oh please, stay for a little while. I think you guys are really gonna get along great.
[Jess sits down reluctantly.]
LIZ: Oh, T.J. is really enjoying Stars Hollow. Aren't you, baby?
T.J.: Oh yeah, this place is great. It reminds me of New York.
JESS: How?
T.J.: You know.
LUKE: Neither one is in space.
T.J.: No, that's not it.
LUKE: Of course not.
T.J.: There's an energy, right?
LIZ: There is. I feel it. A very similar energy.
T.J.: Liz showed me your old house and your school. Like the picture of you in the shorts.
LIZ: My brother was very big in athletics in his day. And the ladies loved him. Ask Carrie. They went out.
LUKE: Crazy Carrie and I did not go out.
LIZ: They just made out.
LUKE: We did not make out. We did not go out. We did nothing that involved the word out.
T.J.: I think he's still hung up on her.
LUKE: A lightening bolt, please.
JESS: I gotta go.
LIZ: Oh, okay, but come back after you've checked your car. We'll save you some food. You look good. Handsome.
T.J.: If I was some girl, I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
LIZ: Come back, okay?
JESS: Okay.
T.J.: Yeah, if you do, I'll draw your portrait on my Etch-A-Sketch.
LUKE: Hey, can't miss that.
JESS: We'll see.
LUKE: Hey, Jess wait a sec.
[Luke and Jess go out in the hall. Liz waves goodbye.]
LUKE: So, wow.
JESS: Yep.
LUKE: Well, if I had to pick anyone in the world for my sister to be with, that guy would definitely be his cab driver.
JESS: I don't know. He had a certain something.
LUKE: Yeah, lack of chromosomes.
JESS: That sounds right.
LUKE: So, what do we do?
JESS: About what?
LUKE: About that, them, him.
JESS: Nothing.
LUKE: Where are you going?
JESS: To check on my car.
LUKE: But Jess, don't you think that we should discuss this?
JESS: Discuss what?
LUKE: T.J.
JESS: I thought we just did.
LUKE: But we didn't come up with a solution.
JESS: A solution to what?
LUKE: Are we having the same conversation? A solution to him.
JESS: A solution would have been birth control. Too late, move on.
LUKE: Jess, we have to do something about this.
JESS: Like what?
LUKE: I don't know. We have to say something.
JESS: Like what?
LUKE: He's a grown man with an Etch-A-Sketch!
JESS: So shake him real hard. Maybe he'll disappear.
LUKE: Oh come on. What, do you like this guy?
JESS: Of course I don't like this guy. I don't like any of the guys, but she's gonna do what she's gonna do.
LUKE: No, I do not accept that. We can go to Liz together. We can tell her--
JESS: She does not care what we think. She really doesn't care what I think. I've got nineteen years of proof to back me up.
LUKE: Yes, she does. You just have to find the right angle with Liz.
JESS: Can I go please?
LUKE: No, you can't go. We have to fix this. I cannot watch her throw her life away again with a loser again.
JESS: You see, this is your problem. You're going to help people whether they want it or not. You have to fix everything. You have to fix everyone. You think it makes you a good guy, but really, it just makes you a pain in the ass. You make it so that when people fail you, you get to feel like the martyr and they get to feel like not only did they screw up, but they also disappointed you. You interfere and you make everything worse. No one is asking for your help. No one wants your help. Focus on your own life and leave everyone else alone.
[Jess goes down the stairs.]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Kids have taken the walkie-talkie from Kirk and are passing it around while Kirk tries to catch it.]
KIRK: Give it back! Give it back! I mean it! I'm in charge here guys! Come on! Give it back! I need that!
[Rory goes in the bookstore.]
RORY: Hey, Andrew. Can you track these down for me? They're all out of print.
ANDREW: You got it.
RORY: Thanks.
[Rory goes around a shelf to look at the books. Jess is sitting down against the wall reading. When he sees her, he puts the book down, gets up and leaves. Rory sighs.]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai comes in the house]
LUKE: Ow! Damn it.
LORELAI: Hello?
[She walks in the living room. Luke is standing at the broken window.]
LORELAI: Oh, Luke.
LUKE: Oh yeah. Hey.
LORELAI: How did you get in here?
LUKE: You left your bedroom window open.
LORELAI: My bedroom window is on the second floor. What did you do?
LUKE: Well, I promised to fix your window, so I'm here to fix your window.
LORELAI: Oh, my God, you cut yourself.
LUKE: Glass was broken.
LORELAI: Hence the need for fixing. I'm sorry. Are you drunk?
LUKE: I am not drunk. I do not get drunk.
LORELAI: Huh.
LUKE: I had some beer-beers. More than one. A few. And then I came here and I climbed your tree.
LORELAI: Well, good thinking.
LUKE: And then I fell out of your tree.
LORELAI: Hm, sit down.
LUKE: I landed flat on my back. I felt like Kirk.
LORELAI: Hold your hand up in the air.
LUKE: And then I climbed back up the tree. This time I made it. I got in. Sorry about the lamp.
LORELAI: You know, Luke, you could have broken your neck.
LUKE: You know, it would have been all right if I had. I would have fixed it because that's what I do: I fix things. Even when they don't want to be fixed.
LORELAI: Let me see your hand.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Because it is bleeding and I need to look at it. [Luke shows her his hand.] Ew! Gross!
LUKE: It's fine, leave it.
LORELAI: I can't leave it, it's cut.
LUKE: That's my wrist.
LORELAI: Ah, sorry.
LUKE: You're very good at this.
LORELAI: I don't like blood okay?
LUKE: So leave it alone.
LORELAI: No, I can't leave it. [Lorelai puts a Band-aid on the cut.] Do you want to tell me what happened?
LUKE: Nothing.
[Luke gets up from the couch.]
LORELAI: What are you doing?
LUKE: I'm going to fix the window.
LORELAI: Forget the window.
LUKE: I can't forget the window. I made a promise and I'm the reliable guy who helps everybody out whether they like it or not.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Oh, yeah. Nothing I can do about it, just the way I am. It is my big problem. Didn't know it was my big problem until today, but now I know. It is my big problem. [Luke looks at his hand] Got a handful of Barbie.
LORELAI: Luke, what happened today?
LUKE: Today I found out what a big, dumb, idiot guy I am. Just an imposing, judgmental know-it-all who blows around yelling and complaining and screwing up everybody else's life.
LORELAI: I hardly think you're--
LUKE: I'm dumb. Yeah, not like Jess. Jess is smart. You know, he doesn't care about anybody else's life. He just takes care of himself.
LORELAI: Did you and Jess have a thing?
LUKE: He informed me that I am nothing but an unwelcome burden to everyone around me.
LORELAI: Luke, that's not true.
LUKE: Yes, it is.
LORELAI: Luke, stop it. Liz was just saying today how grateful she is to have you as her brother and how much she looks up to you.
LUKE: You talked to Liz?
LORELAI: I thought she was you.
LUKE: I'm a man.
LORELAI: Well, she was in your truck.
LUKE: When I'm in my truck, I'm still a man.
LORELAI: I couldn't see who was driving, okay? I went over the truck and we met and we started talking.
LUKE: You shouldn't have talked to Liz.
LORELAI: She worships you. She said she even wants to move to Stars Hollow so she can be closer to you.
LUKE: She didn't say that.
LORELAI: She did say that. Jess is an unhappy kid, Luke. He's angry. He doesn't mean the things he says.
LUKE: He did me a favor.
LORELAI: Listen, why don't you hang out here and rest for little while, okay? We'll get you a real bandage.
LUKE: I like the Barbie ones.
LORELAI: Yes, honey, but the other kids will b*at you up if they see you with one of those. I'll be right back.
LUKE: Hm.
CUT TO GYPSY'S GARAGE
JESS: You sure I can't help you? Can I hand you something? You know, it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to run.
GYPSY: Just curious--have you noticed since you started standing there, there's been a lot less of the clinking sounds? And the clinking sounds are the sounds tools make when they fix things.
JESS: You've been fixing this car for hours.
GYPSY: And I'm not done, so, back off.
[Lorelai crosses the street.]
LORELAI: Jess!
GYPSY: Hey, she sounds mad.
LORELAI: You've been here less than twenty-four hours and already I wanna k*ll you.
JESS: What did I do to you?
LORELAI: All the crap you said to Luke--
JESS: What crap?
LORELAI: A man who has done nothing but support you and try to help you.
JESS: I don't know what you're talking about.
LORELAI: You do know what I'm talking about. Don't act stupid. Why would you do that? What an incredibly insensitive, mean-spirited--
JESS: Oh, drop it. This has nothing to do with Luke. This is about Rory.
LORELAI: This is not about Rory. This is about Luke. Don't you have an ounce of sensitivity in that thick head of yours or are you so mad at the entire world that you don't care who you hurt?
JESS: And I suppose we're still not talking about Rory?
LORELAI: Wow, second "Rory" in ten seconds. You sure have Rory on the brain. I wonder why that is.
JESS: You started this!
LORELAI: Is that why you came back here? Are you still hung up on her Jess ? Is that why you came back?
JESS: No.
LORELAI: Good. Because she is over you. She has moved on and she is very happy.
JESS: [to Gypsy] Please hurry up so I can get the hell out of here.
LORELAI: I second that.
CUT TO THE CHARITY DINNER
[Lorelai and Rory walk into the room where the charity dinner is being held.]
LORELAI: Wow. I wonder where Demi and Ashton are sitting.
RORY: I think we're late.
LORELAI: We're not late.
RORY: Grandma said dinner starts at six.
LORELAI: Yeah, well that means seven.
RORY: In what universe?
LORELAI: They invite you at six knowing you won't be here until seven so dinner won't start until eight. Actually we're early. Oh, there they are. Hey. Hi Mom. Oh, that's a bad face.
RORY: Told you we were late.
EMILY: What is Rory doing here?
RORY: Hi, Grandma.
EMILY: You weren't supposed to bring Rory.
LORELAI: You're really helping the kid's self-esteem here, Mom.
EMILY: You don't know one man that would be willing to spend the evening with you?
LORELAI: I thought you liked Rory.
EMILY: We do like Rory but we're short of men.
LORELAI: Well so am I.
EMILY: Honestly, Lorelai. It's not your looks that keep them away. Think about that.
RORY: Excuse me, should I stay, or--?
EMILY: Of course you should stay. We can't do anything about that now. Come on, come on...
[She leads them to the table.]
LORELAI: So on a wigged-out level of one to ten, Mom is at--
RORY: Frances Farmer?
LORELAI: Yeah.
RICHARD: Rory, what are you doing here?
EMILY: Lorelai couldn't find a man.
LORELAI: You weren't specific, Mom. You didn't say, "Bring a man."
EMILY: And if I had, you would have been able to find one? Rory, sit over there. Marjorie, Shawna, this is my daughter Lorelai and her daughter Rory. This is Marjorie and Shawna.
LORELAI: Hi.
RORY: Hello.
[They sit down.]
LORELAI: [Whispers to Emily] Who are Marjorie and Shawna?
EMILY: [Whispers back] Richard and Jason's secretaries. Dull girls, like two rolling pins sitting across from you, but we were desperate.
JASON: Hello, Emily, Richard.
RICHARD: Ah, Jason.
EMILY: You're late, Jason.
JASON: I know, I'm sorry but I got hung up talking to Feriman in the lobby.
RICHARD: Feriman is here?
JASON: Yes, and he's three drinks ahead of everybody else.
RICHARD: Oh, marvelous.
EMILY: No, don't sit there!
JASON: Oh.
EMILY: Sit next to Lorelai. Rory move over.
LORELAI: Why?
EMILY: You two, pretend you're together.
LORELAI: What?
RICHARD: Emily, good idea.
EMILY: Shawna, Marjorie, for God's sake, look like you belong here. [They helplessly try to smile and please her.] Oh yes, that's much better.
[Rory points at the empty chair besides her.]
RORY: So who else is joining us?
EMILY: No one. We brought one of Richard's coats to hang over the chair.
RICHARD: We're saying it's Marjorie's husband.
EMILY: He's making the rounds and at about eight he'll get sick and have to leave.
RICHARD: Does everybody understand the story?
LORELAI: I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor, then Rory can dig a tunnel, and --
EMILY: I might have known you'd turn this into something ridiculous, Lorelai.
RORY: Yeah, I wanna be the doctor.
EMILY: Oh good Lord. And Jason, move closer to Lorelai. And for God's sake, you two, at least act like you like each other.
[Jason takes Lorelai's hand. Lorelai clears her throat.]
JASON: Hey, your mom said.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINNER.
[Luke is doing paper work at the counter. T.J. walks in.]
T.J.: Hey, there you are.
LUKE: Yes here I am, at my job. Will wonders never cease?
T.J.: Major party happening outside.
LUKE: So I hear.
T.J.: You gotta see it.
LUKE: Well, I'm sure you can see enough for the both of us.
T.J.: Big f*re, crazy punch, too. Seriously, man, come on out. You won't believe it.
LUKE: No, T.J., actually, I will believe it, because, see, I live here, so I've seen this festival, oh let's say, about five thousand times.
T.J.: Yes, I see your point. Okay, well, Liz and I are taking off right after the festivities, so maybe you can come out and say sayonara.
LUKE: I'll come out as soon as I can.
T.J.: Great. How long do you think?
LUKE: How long I think what?
T.J.: How long do you think you will be doing that?
LUKE: I don't know.
T.J.: Looks like you're almost done.
LUKE: Well I'm not.
T.J.: The stack is getting pretty small.
LUKE: Look, I will be out soon, okay?
T.J.: Okay. I am going to hold you to that.
LUKE: I consider myself warned.
[T.J. leaves]
CUT TO CHARITY DINNER
SPEAKER: The importance cannot be overstated. Language is humanity's lifeline. That is why I thank each and every one of you for your loyal support of the Ephram Wordus Rare Manuscript Acquisition Foundation. Because without it, we would just be stuck rooting around Nag Hammadi.
[Audience laughs.]
LORELAI: Psst! I don't get it.
RORY: Me neither.
LORELAI: You go to Yale.
RORY: Well, I skipped Obscure Manuscript Humor 101.
LORELAI: [To Jason] Hey, why was that funny?
JASON: No -- no idea.
LORELAI: You were laughing.
JASON: Take a poll. No one in this room has any idea what this crazy old man is talking about.
LORELAI: What a bunch of poseurs.
SPEAKER: ...hundreds of literary artifacts which might otherwise have been lost.
JASON: How far do you think we can push this?
LORELAI: I'm not sure.
JASON: Dancing?
LORELAI: Possibly.
JASON: Stroll on the terrace?
LORELAI: Passable.
JASON: Making out in the coat-check room?
LORELAI: Oh, that's going to be tricky.
SPEAKER: So, once again, I thank you and I hope you all have a lovely evening.
[Everyone claps. Richard stands up.]
RICHARD: I'm going to go find Feriman.
EMILY: I have to say hello to Babe Wellington.
LORELAI: Mom, how much longer do Jason and I have to pretend to be together?
EMILY: Lorelai, don't do this to me. Until this evening is over, you are together and I don't want to discuss it again.
LORELAI: Fine.
LORELAI: [to Jason] I just secured us the coatroom.
JASON: Let's go.
LORELAI: I'm going to make out in the coatroom. Don't eat my chicken.
RORY: That's going on your tombstone.
FLOYD STILES: Jason.
JASON: Oh, hello. I didn't know you'd be here.
FLOYD: You look well.
JASON: Thank you. How is business?
FLOYD: Very good.
JASON. I'm pleased to hear.
FLOYD: How's your golf game?
JASON: Well it certainly can't match yours but I'm catching up.
FLOYD: Well, when you're ready…
JASON: I'll give you a call.
FLOYD: Fine. Good to see you again.
JASON: Same to you.
[Floyd walks away from the table.]
LORELAI: Well, who was that?
JASON: My father.
RORY: Your father?
LORELAI: And you two have met before?
JASON: Yes, briefly. I believe there was an Aquaman party involved.
LORELAI: Oh, man. This business thing must have been really bad for you guys.
JASON: What do you mean?
LORELAI: I mean, that was so cold. You talked like you barely knew each other.
JASON: Oh, no, no, we've always been like that.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
JASON: No, actually, asking me about my golf game was actually a little too touchy-feely for me.
LORELAI: Wow, who would have thought I would ever put my mother next to someone and think, "warm?"
RICHARD: Jason, I just heard your father was here.
LORELAI: How could you possibly have found that out this quickly?
RICHARD: Well, news travels fast here. People talk. So, what did Floyd say?
JASON: Well--
EMILY: Richard, Floyd was just here.
LORELAI: We know, Mom, we saw him.
EMILY: He came by the table? What nerve.
LORELAI: How dare he talk to his son.
EMILY: Be quiet, Lorelai.
RICHARD: If he's here he must have a motive.
EMILY: That's right. He never cared about rare manuscripts before.
RICHARD: Hm. He must be trying to get information.
JASON: Richard, I don't think he had an agenda.
RICHARD: What was his body language like?
LORELAI: Well, he was breathing and standing. I think all signs point to alive.
RICHARD: What did he ask you about?
JASON: He asked me about my golf game.
RICHARD: Not the business?
JASON: No.
RICHARD: Oh, oh, oh. He's tricky.
LORELAI: He didn't ask about the business, Dad, okay?
RICHARD: I know he didn't ask about the business, Lorelai. That was deliberate.
LORELAI: So he wanted to know nothing on purpose? The fiend.
EMILY: Please, stay out of it.
RICHARD: He is planning something. Jason, I think we should strategize.
JASON: Richard, I really don't think--
RICHARD: I have been doing this a lot longer than you have, my boy. If a man like Floyd Stiles comes over to you and does not ask about the business, you can be sure that something very big is coming.
JASON: Uh, I guess I have to go. If you'll excuse me, ladies.
EMILY: Bye. Nobody was believing you two as a couple anyway.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW FIRELIGHT FESTIVAL
[The troubadour performs with a band.]
KIRK: [into walkie-talkie] This is Bird Dog One to Bird Dog Two. The southwest corner is secure.
JOE: I'm at the southwest corner, Kirk.
KIRK: Then where the hell am I?
CARRIE: Well, look who finally came out of his cave.
LUKE: Oh, Carrie. What a coincidence.
CARRIE: You remember Anna, Jill.
LUKE: Hello, Anna. Hello, Jill.
CARRIE: We just came from the reunion so we're a little tipsy.
LUKE: Ah, well, you know, drink water, and take some aspirin before you go to bed.
CARRIE: I told them that you're trying to pretend that you don't remember the night.
LUKE: I don't remember the night.
JILL: I remember the night.
ANNA: The whole reunion remembered the night
JILL: We all talked about it.
LUKE: Terrific.
ANNA: Everybody had a crush on Butch Danes in high school.
JILL: So serious, so intense.
CARRIE: So hot in those tiny little shorts.
LUKE: Okay, I should go find Liz.
CARRIE: Oh, I'll help you find her.
LUKE: Oh, no, I don't wanna break up the party.
ANNA: Oh, well, there's always room for a foursome.
LUKE: So twenty years later, none of you are married?
CARRIE: Oh, no, we're all married.
ANNA: Oh, there's Liz.
JILL: They're not gonna run out of punch are they?
CARRIE: They never run out of punch.
LUKE: Oh, okay, well, I should go.
CARRIE: Wait, we're all going to the Styx/REO Speedwagon/Journey concert next week. We have an extra ticket if you're interested.
LUKE: Oh, wow. If it was just Styx and REO Speedwagon, I'd be there, but Journey freaks me out. Sorry. Enjoy the festival.
[Lukes walks away.]
T.J. : So there's a line a mile long, the place is going crazy for the earrings.
LIZ: Oh, come on T.J.
T.J.: Hey, I'm just telling it how it is. The last fair we went, the line was so long it blocked the fruit-ice stand. And traditionally the fruit-ice people are not the nicest people on the circuit but you block their stand and they really go crazy. They threw lemon rinds. But it didn't matter. Most people stayed and they bought plenty.
LIZ: Well, people seem to like my stuff.
T.J.: We're heading to Minnesota next month. Big fair there. And this time we're unveiling the booth.
PATTY: The booth?
LIZ: T.J. just built me the greatest booth. You should see it.
T.J.: Well, you've gotta have a good booth. It's the first thing people see. Earrings are small. You don't know they're there until you're right up on them, but a booth and a nice sign? A person's standing at the jousting match, they turn around and,"Hey, look at that booth with the nice sign." They come over, take a look at Lizzie's stuff, and bam, they're hooked.
PATTY: Well, Luke, nice of you to join us.
LIZ: Oh hi, Luke, I didn't see you there.
LUKE: Yeah, well, I heard you were leaving right after the festival, so--
LIZ: I'm so glad that you came out.
PATTY: See you later, Liz.
[Luke and Liz walk away from the group.]
LIZ: Can you believe this thing? It hasn't changed one bit since we were kids.
LUKE: Yeah, same crazy gathering that Mom would take us to.
LIZ: And then Dad after she died.
LUKE: He hated it worse than we did. He only took us 'cause Mom liked it.
LIZ: Of course, that Founder's Day punch…
LUKE: Lethal.
LIZ: The first time I ever threw up on booze it was Founder's Day punch.
LUKE: That's a nice story.
LIZ: Hey, listen, I'm sorry about Jess.
LUKE: Boy, that statement could encompass a whole myriad of things.
LIZ: I'm sorry I told you I wasn't in touch with him. It's just been the last six months he started calling and he asked me not to tell you, so I was trying to bond or something. I just mentioned the car to him. I didn't know he'd come back here and try to take it.
LUKE: It's okay. It's his car and he should have it.
LIZ: I'm just trying to make things better with us.
LUKE: You should. It's fine.
LIZ: I have a feeling about him. I think he's going to be okay. He's kinda like Dad, don't you think?
LUKE: Oh, I don't know.
LIZ: Oh, I do. I think he's like Dad. I want to thank you for everything that you did for him.
LUKE: Well it never hurts to take a sh*t. At least you know you tried.
LIZ: Sometimes things take a while before they sink in. It did with me. Sorry, I'm so boring tonight. I only had one cup of punch. Gary switched us over to club soda after that.
LUKE: You're not boring. Who's Gary?
LIZ: That's T.J.'s real name.
LUKE: T.J.'s real name is Gary?
LIZ: Yeah.
LUKE: Gary?
LIZ: Yeah.
LUKE: How the heck did he get - Never mind. I heard him talking back there, Gary. It sounds like things are going pretty good.
LIZ: They are. Really good.
LUKE: Good, good.
LIZ: Oh, hey, wait. I just made these last night. You can give them to your wife. Or Lorelai. Whoever...
[Liz hands Luke a pair of earrings.]
LUKE: Thanks.
LIZ: Well, I'm going get my stuff together. We need to leave soon. Tell Gary I went back to your place.
LUKE: I'll do that.
[They hug.]
LIZ: See you.
[Liz walks away.]
CUT TO THE STREET
[Lorelai and Rory are walking to the Firelight Festival.]
LORELAI: Gone for the rest of the night. We're stuck with the rolling pins. God! So boring!
RORY: I am starving.
LORELAI: What? The possibly beef and some sort of cream sauce did nothing to curb your appetite?
RORY: Do you want to start with burgers or do a cart-to-cart att*ck?
LORELAI: Well, there's two of us. I think we can accomplish both goals.
RORY: I'm going to get the burgers, you h*t the carts.
LORELAI: I'll meet you by the bonfire.
RORY: Okay.
CUT TO THE BONFIRE
LUKE: T.J.
T.J.: Hi, you're here. Cool.
LUKE: Yeah, so, Liz is back at my place getting your stuff, she just wanted me to tell you.
T.J.: Okay. Thanks.
LUKE: So look, I kind of heard you guys talking, and things seem to be going pretty good for Liz which is different, and a nice change, and I know that you guys are thinking about moving here, and I just wanted you to know, it's okay by me.
T.J.: Okay. I didn't realize we needed your permission.
LUKE: Oh, no. You don't. Maybe you misunderstood me here. I was just trying to say that I assumed because my sister has a history with guys, you know, that, you know, you were like the others. But, well, you seem like a pretty good guy.
T.J.: Thanks. You're a dick.
[T.J. walks away from Luke.]
LORELAI: So, I just heard the tail end of that conversation and I'm assuming you haven't changed your name to Richard?
LUKE: Long, long story. I'll tell you later, but here's a teaser: the word Etch-A-Sketch comes up.
LORELAI: I'm hooked.
LUKE: You're all dressed up.
LORELAI: Just for you.
LUKE: You go somewhere?
LORELAI: Well, my parents had a charity event and they needed a chair filled and who fills a chair better than I?
LUKE: No one comes to mind.
LORELAI: So, did Jess leave yet?
LUKE: I stopped by Gypsy's earlier and she was just about done then, so probably.
LORELAI: No good-byes?
LUKE: No. Liz has a feeling about him, though. She thinks he's gonna be fine.
LORELAI: He could be.
LUKE: Yeah. Oh, hey, here.
[He gives Lorelai the earrings Liz made.]
LORELAI: Pretty.
LUKE: Liz made them yesterday. She wanted you to have them.
LORELAI: Oh, great. Well, be sure to tell her thanks for me.
LUKE: I will.
[They smile at each other and turn towards the f*re.]
CUT TO GYPSY'S GARAGE
[Jess hands money to Gypsy.]
JESS: There.
GYPSY: Thank you for your business. Do not come again.
JESS: Not likely.
[Jess gets in his car, finds an envelope with money, and gets out of the car. He stops when he sees Rory standing in line for burgers. They stare at each other for a few seconds.]
RORY: I get to leave first!
[Rory starts running away.]
JESS: Rory, wait! Stop!
[He runs after her.]
RORY: No, you don't get to walk away!
JESS: Hold on!
RORY: My town! I leave!
JESS: I just wanna--where are you going?
RORY: None of your business!
JESS: We look like idiots.
RORY: I don't care!
JESS: Stop running!
RORY: Stop following!
JESS: Oh, come on!
RORY: Go away, I'm leaving!
JESS: Rory, stop!
RORY: Why?
JESS: Because I wanna talk to you.
RORY: About what? What do you want to talk to me about?
JESS: When did you learn to run like that?
RORY: You know, I have actually thought about this moment. A lot. What would Jess say to me I ever saw him again? I mean, he just took off, no note, no call, nothing, how could he explain that? And then a year goes by. No word, nothing, so he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right? I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios with a hundred different great last parting lines, and I have to tell you that I am actually very curious to see which way this is going to go.
JESS: Could we sit down?
RORY: No. You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?
[Jess pauses a second.]
JESS: I love you.
[Rory stares after him as Jess walks away, gets into his car and drives away.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x13 - Nag Hammadi is Where They Found Them"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino and Daniel Palladino
directed by Stephen Clancy
transcript by Patti Jo with assistance by Canopus
OPEN ON FRONT GROUNDS OF DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai and Sookie stand near a woman holding two docile horses.]
LORELAI: Oh, I love them. [petting the horses' noses]
SOOKIE: Ooh, I love them, too. [also petting their noses]
LORELAI: With an unbridled passion. Good one, huh?
SOOKIE: I love horse humor. [giggles]
WOMAN: These guys are the best I've got 'cause they're so sweet.
LORELAI: Hey, Michel, come on over. Meet our two new employees.
MICHEL: [standing far away] You know that I do not care for the animal kingdom.
WOMAN: Do you want me to hold them for you? 'Cause I've got a couple of others interested.
LORELAI: Oh, yes, definitely hold them. [dials number on cell phone]
RORY'S VOICEMAIL MESSAGE: It's Rory, Talk please [beep]
LORELAI: Hi, Rory, it's me. How's school? You learning stuff? Listen, we have the horses, Desdemona and Cletus, and the first two rides have to be me and you. And hopefully, you're over the time that I took you for the pony ride, and the pony was old and just sort of stopped and laid down, and you sort of rolled off into the ditch. It's really not likely to happen again. I promise. So, call me, call me. [puts phone away as Tom walks by] Hey, Tom, how do you like our new horses?
TOM: Very fragrant. Follow me.
LORELAI: [to horse] He's very busy. Don't judge him too harshly.
CUT TO INTERIOR OF DRAGONFLY MID-CONSTRUCTION
[Tom enters and catches workers standing idle.]
TOM: Hey, guys, how's National Goof-off day going? That's what I thought. [Lorelai, Sookie and Michel join Tom] Now, we got downstairs hardware being delivered on Wednesday morning.
SOOKIE: Yippee. [clapping hands with glee]
TOM: Yeah, it excites me too. So, I think it would be exciting to have one of you here to see that it's the right stuff. Otherwise, things would come to a crashing halt.
LORELAI: Oh boy, I got back to back meetings on Wednesday, and one of them is in Hartford. Sook?
SOOKIE: I can be here. Oh no, I can't - Davey has a check up that morning.
LORELAI: Can you move it?
SOOKIE: This doctor's really booked. But I can try.
LORELAI: That's okay. Michel?
MICHEL: I'm at the Tally Rand making the money that keeps me from having to stand at expressway off-ramps selling bags of cherries.
LORELAI: Okay. Oh well, I guess I can move some things around. I don't…
[A phone rings in the background.]
LORELAI: What is that?
TOM: That's your phone.
SOOKIE: Who's phone? Our phone?
TOM: I installed it this morning. You wanted your phone up and running, right? To take reservations?
SOOKIE: Oh, my God. [clapping hands]
LORELAI: Our first reservation.
MICHEL: Quick, quick, answer before they hang up.
LORELAI: Hello?
SOOKIE: Dragonfly, Dragonfly.
MICHEL: Say Dragonfly Inn.
LORELAI: I mean, Dragonfly Iinn, hello. [pause] Why, yes! We are taking reservations. Our opening day is May 6th. [pause] May 8th and 9th, okay, great. Let me just check. Let me check. [pause] Okay. [She searches for a scrap of paper to write the information on. Unable to find anything else, she uses a gum wrapper.] You got it, and you're getting our best room. Let me just get your information here. Yes. Okay. And your number? Mm-hmm. 7873. Okay. Got your name. Got your number. Got you down for the 8th and 9th. Thank you, Mr. Turner. See you then. [hangs up] We're up and running.
SOOKIE: We're up and running!
MICHEL: But you wrote it down on a gum wrapper.
LORELAI: So?
MICHEL: It's embarrassing. This is an historical document.
SOOKIE: Who cares what she wrote it down on?
[Lorelai smiles thoughtfully, looking at the gum wrapper.]
MICHEL: Big Red wrapper.
SOOKIE: Juicyfruit would have been better?
MICHEL: Well, I'm going to go out and get a value pack for when things really start getting busy around here.
[Lorelai smiles at the gum wrapper as Sookie and Michel bicker.]
CUT TO YALE DORM HALLWAY
[Rory is leaving a message on Lorelai's voicemail.]
RORY: Mom, it's me, I left you a message at home, too. I love that you got horses. As far as that pony ride when I was a kid, you were forgetting one little tidbit there. That pony did not lie down. He died, okay? He died. And then the owner dragged him away by the back legs. Every time I use glue, I think of him. But I'll watch you ride, how's that? Call me back, bye. [She stops before her dorm door and pulls out keys. Just then, Lane exits the room.]
LANE: What are you doing here?
RORY: I live here.
LANE: But you have game theory class in fifteen minutes.
RORY: I just thought I would lie down and rest for a while.
LANE: I knew it. You were up too late last night. I know I should have told you "lights out."
RORY: I had to finish my paper.
LANE: Your brain needs sleep.
RORY: It can sleep when I finish my paper.
LANE: And then there'll be another paper.
RORY: Mom -
LANE: You know what I mean.
RORY: You look out for me.
LANE: It's what I do. Okay, go lay down.
RORY: Yes, ma'am.
LANE: And stay off drugs. [Rory enters dorm room]
RORY: Whoa, what's that smell?
TANNA: It's the smoke from my soldering iron. I love it. I love burning things. I love the hot tip of my soldering iron as it liquefies metal and singes the wires -
RORY: Honey, how long you been doing that?
TANNA: [checks her watch] Three hours.
RORY: [She removes the iron from Tanna's hand.] Take a break.
[Paris enters]
PARIS: Oh, good, you're all here, so we can clear this up. I found this lying around, and it must belong to one of you because who else would have clothing here? I ask you. [She holds up a shirt with the name Kleebold across the back.] Anyone? Anyone?
JANET: Paris.
PARIS: Anyone? You know, maybe I misspoke. It may not be a shirt. Anyone lose a car cover? Anyone? Anyone?
JANET: Knock it off.
PARIS: I'm just trying to find a nice way to tell you that your behemoth boyfriend is getting a little too comfortable around here. And I speak for everyone.
RORY: Leave me out of this.
TANNA: Me too, please.
PARIS: I just don't want to walk into our bathroom and find him sitting on the john sh**ting up steroids.
JANET: He does not take steroids.
PARIS: You mean that unsightly girth is nature given? He must curse God nightly.
JANET: Enough!
PARIS: And the shirt -- stick a pole in it, and Cirque Du Soleil could start selling tickets.
RORY: He's big, Paris. She got it.
PARIS: And why does he have his name written on the back? So it's easy to check when he forgets it? Although if he checks it while he's wearing it, he'd have to look in a mirror, and then he'd probably think his name was Dlobeelk, and get confused all over again.
JANET: Bitter little woman.
PARIS: If he's gonna continue being an unwelcome guest in our place, I emphasize the word "our," keep him penned in your room.
JANET: Jealousy doesn't become you, Paris.
PARIS: What jealousy?
RORY: Break it up, guys.
JANET: Neither does makeup or a hairstyle.
PARIS: Can it, Blondie.
JANET: You drove your own boyfriend away, so you hate that anyone else has one.
PARIS: Oh please.
JANET: Yeah, why don't you go sit all alone in your room so you can start getting used to how the rest of your life's gonna be.
PARIS: I'm not alone.
JANET: Oh, really? Who do you have besides your poster of Noam Chomsky?
PARIS: Who do I have?
JANET: Yeah. [Paris begins to speak but falls silent.] That's what I thought. Very sad.
[Janet exits to her bedroom. Paris stomps off to her own bedroom, followed by Rory.]
PARIS: I'm gonna grab Barbie's neck and squeeze until her expandable hair falls out and she's d*ad, d*ad, d*ad.
RORY: Are you staying in here, because I was gonna close my eyes for a little while. [sits down on bed]
PARIS: I should just tell her Asher Fleming's my man so she can compare her circa 1972 Lou Ferrigno with him.
RORY: Then tell her. Put this to rest.
PARIS: You know we're keeping it on the down low. It's easier this way. You're the only person that knows.
RORY: Then you're gonna have to swallow stuff like that and not let it get to you.
PARIS: He smells. That fat tub of hers smells.
RORY: Hey, did you keep your notes from when you took Major English Poets?
PARIS: I've got them somewhere.
RORY: Can I borrow them?
PARIS: Sure.
RORY: Great, 'cause that means I can skip a class this week. [lays down] Buys me two hours.
PARIS: I taught Asher that phrase, "on the down low." He called it delightful.
RORY: It's a delightful phrase. [settles deeper under bed covers]
PARIS: You know, maybe it's not Janet's boyfriend I can't be around. Maybe I just can't be around boys, because I have a man.
RORY: Yes, that's it. Resting now.
CUT TO LORELAI AND RORY'S LIVING ROOM
[The phone ringing rolls over to the answering machine.]
LORELAI: [from upstairs] Wait, wait.
LORELAI'S ANSWERING MACHINE: Hey, I've got nothing cute to say for my message. …Oh, puppies. There, that's cute. Now leave yours.
RORY: [voice on phone speaker] Hello? Pick up, pick up, pick up.
LORELI: [from upstairs] Wait, I'm here. Wait.
RORY: I'm running as we speak to not be late for my first official day as a full-fledged food-hall card swiper. That's right, I'm no longer a trainee. After one and a half hours of rigorous training, I am fully independent and in no need of supervision. Whoops, sorry. Just ran into somebody, and he's down.
LORELAI: [from upstairs] Wait, hold it. I'm coming.
RORY: I assume you're very proud of me. Talk to you later.
LORELAI: [running down stairs] Rory, I'm here. [answering machine clicks] Ohh. Of course, you had to be in a big hurry. [calls Rory back and gets voice mail]
RORY'S VOICE MAIL: It's Rory. Talk, please.
LORELAI: Hi. Yeah, of course I'm proud. Card swiping -- who knew you had it in you? Not I. I'm sorry I can't be there to witness this moment. It's certainly as big a moment as, oh, your first baby step and your first fall on your face, which came back to back. Hopefully, somebody's taking lots of pictures. Call my cell or call me at Jason's. We gotta stop meeting like this, hon. Bye.
CUT TO YALE CAFETERIA ENTRANCE
[Rory sits at card swiping table studying and ignoring nearby students.]
GLENN: Hey, Rory, if you're gonna completely ignore me, I might as well go hang out with my ex-girlfriend. Same thing.
RORY: Oh, sorry, Glenn. [swipes his card through reader]
GLENN: Everyone is going to be sorry one day -- everyone. [walks off]
RORY: You really gotta stop watching "Taxi Driver," Glenn. [returns to studying - impatient student swipes her own card] Oh, did you want me to -- well, it works for me. [cell phone rings] Hello?
CUT BETWEEN STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK AND YALE CAFETERIA
[Rory and Dean are on the phone together.]
DEAN: Rory, hi, it's Dean.
RORY: Dean, hi.
DEAN: Bad time?
RORY: No. I just thought you would be my mom, but my mom doesn't speak in a resonant basso profundo.
DEAN: A what? [grinning]
RORY: I'm babbling.
DEAN: So I wanted to run something by you to see if it was okay.
RORY: Sure.
DEAN: You know the contractor, Tom?
RORY: Grumpy puss?
DEAN: That's him. He's offered me a job working on his crew. It's good pay. It's flexible hours.
RORY: Excellent.
DEAN: At the inn. Your mom's inn. Is that okay?
RORY: The Dragonfly?
DEAN: If it's not okay, I won't do it.
RORY: Why wouldn't it be okay?
DEAN: Well, it would occasionally put you and me around each other, and I didn't know how awkward that would be.
RORY: No. Dean, it's fine. It wouldn't be awkward at all.
DEAN: You're sure?
RORY: Tom knows quality when he sees it -- take the job.
DEAN: Good, I just didn't know where we stood after my wedding and all.
RORY: Oh.
DEAN: You guys didn't come.
RORY: Yeah, I'm so sorry about that.
DEAN: It was short notice.
RORY: And we got jammed on some things. But you got our gift?
DEAN: Yeah, Lindsay spins a salad in it every night.
RORY: That's weird, considering we got you a toaster.
DEAN: No, you didn't. [realizes she's kidding]
RORY: I'm joshing ya.
DEAN: So, I guess I'll take the job.
RORY: Are you still going to school, too?
DEAN: Part time, but everything's good. I've got a five-year plan.
RORY: Five years. Cool. I've got about the next two and a half hours planned, and then there's just darkness and possibly some dragons.
DEAN: Hey, I made the plunge. I got my own cellphone.
RORY: I thought you sounded a little cellphone-y.
DEAN: Lindsay and her mom got a good deal on a family plan, so I signed up.
RORY: It was time. You know, I don't even know your number anymore.
DEAN: I can give you this one.
RORY: Actually, I can just save it. You are officially part of my phone log.
DEAN: Good. [pause] Well, I'll let you go, and uh, I'll see you once in awhile.
RORY: Inevitability.
DEAN: And you'll have to tell me what that bass thing was that you said.
RORY: Something to look forward to.
DEAN: Bye.
RORY: Bye. [looks up to see long line of students needing their ID cards swiped] Come on. Come on! Step up, step up. Don't be mice.
CUT TO JASON'S BEDROOM
[Lorelai is lying in bed, talking on her cell phone - business, Jason is pacing back and forth also talking on his cell phone - business]
LORELAI: No, we did pick a tile for the bedroom suite bathroom. I distinctly remember.
JASON: Uh-huh. Make it a semicolon before the clause about interest rates and keep reading.
LORELAI: Eight weeks ago, ten weeks ago?
JASON: No, it is okay to end a sentence with a preposition now. I read it in Safire's column.
LORELAI: I remember the guy, I don't remember the tile. I do remember the color, white.
JASON: Safire. He came up with nattering nabobs of negativism for Agnew.
LORELAI: No, I meant the tile was white, but the guy was, too.
JASON: Agnew was Nixon's vice president. You know we're getting a little off the subject. Can you just please keep reading?
LORELAI: Over 200 shades of white? I did not know that.
JASON: With sincerely yours, et cetera, forge my signature and get it out tonight.
LORELAI: We'll look at the samples again and that's okay.
JASON: I'll see you tomorrow, thank you.
LORELAI: Thank you. All right, bye-bye.
JASON: Okay, I am done. Uh, round two? [gets in bed]
LORELAI: Well, this is very romantic. I mean, I'm over here arguing about tile, and you're over there arguing about William Safire. Whatever happened to the cigarette after sex?
JASON: Oh no. Trust me, William Safire is much hotter. [They kiss.]
LORELAI: We're the all-business corporate couple.
JASON: Brought to you by Marriott.
[A cell phone rings.]
LORELAI: I gotta get that.
JASON: Oh no, no, no, no, no.
LORELAI: I told Rory to call me here. Hello?
EMILY: Well, guess who's demanding we all make an appearance at lunch?
LORELAI: Mom!
EMILY: Your grandmother is coming back from Palm Beach.
LORELAI: Uh-huh. [She climbs out of bed and begins dressing.]
JASON: What are you doing?
EMILY: Your father has to run over to her house to open it up for her, and then she will be coming over here for the evening to berate me and tell me that my couch has some sort of smell.
LORELAI: Oh, well, that sounds fun.
EMILY: She wants to have lunch -- sorry, a luncheon -- the day after tomorrow. You, me, your father, and apparently she wants to meet Jason. All we need is that filthy Eminem fellow to make it a perfect afternoon for me.
LORELAI: Well, I'll try to track him down, Mom, but you know, he might be on tour or something.
EMILY: Just be here and be on time, and get your hair cut. You looked like the bird lady from Mary Poppins the last time I saw you.
LORELAI: Well, Mom, I've been very busy lately.
EMILY: I don't care how busy you've been, Lorelai. If your hair looks a mess, it will be my fault, and I don't need that responsibility right now. I'll see you at noon. [hangs up]
[Lorelai gets undressed.]
JASON: What are you doing?I
LORELAI: I'm getting undressed.
JASON: You were already undressed.
LORELAI: Well, my mother called.
JASON: So?
LORELAI: So, I can't talk to my mother naked.
JASON: How would she know?
LORELAI: She'd know. [gets into bed]
JASON: Is it like a super power? She can hear naked people?
LORELAI: Yes, she can. She can hear sin and depravity and all sorts of lustful things.
JASON: Boy, do I wish I could get bitten by that radioactive spider. [leans over and kisses her]
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INTERIOR CONSTRUCTION SITE
[Lorelai talks on a cell phone.]
LORELAI: Please, please, please try to work me in. My hair is long and unmanageable, and I need that scalp-massaging thing that Cindy does after she washes my hair. It makes me think I'm in Tahiti.
SOOKIE: [rushes in excitedly] Hey! They put pipes in the kitchen. We're almost able to run water!
LORELAI: Sookie, give me a second here. Is Cindy there -- she's usually able to work me in. I'm not trying to go around you. Cindy and I are old friends.
SOOKIE: They are beautiful pipes. The pipes are really big!
LORELAI: Sookie, the pipes will be there in two minutes?
SOOKIE: Sure. [exits]
LORELAI: Look, it won't take long. It's an easy cut. I'm very low maintenance. I might not seem like it now, but I'd be a delight to have in the place, and I'll even dry my own hair. I'll bring my own blow dryer, even. Yes? Tomorrow? Yes. Eleven o'clock, I'll be there. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
DEAN: Hi, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hey, Dean. So you're working here?
DEAN: Yeah, I thought maybe Rory would have told you.
LORELAI: Oh, Rory and I keep missing each other.
DEAN: Well, I'm here, and your hair looks fine to me.
LORELAI: Oh, well, you're very kind.
TOM: Lorelai, can I talk to you and Sookie over here for a minute?
LORELAI: See ya.
DEAN: Bye.
LORELAI: [beckons] Sook?
SOOKIE: Tom, I gotta tell ya, these pipes.
LORELAI: She's very thrilled about the pipes.
TOM: Yeah, they're terrific pipes, and you got that fancy sink coming in tomorrow morning.
SOOKIE: And you told them they can't install it until I see it, right? Because I have very specific sink needs.
TOM: They won't even leave it without your approval. [hesitates] Can you guys give us a little space here? [nearby workers walk off]
LORELAI: You okay, Tom?
TOM: This is kind of tricky.
SOOKIE: What is?
TOM: You know I like you two, right?
LORELAI: We know that.
SOOKIE: Sure.
TOM: I gotta deal with a lot of jerks in my business, yelling at you when it's not your fault, bugging you about budget increases you got no control over. You don't do that.
LORELAI: Uh-hm.
TOM: You always smell good, too. That's a plus. So maybe the checks are getting lost in the mail. I'm guessing it's something like that.
SOOKIE: The checks? What checks? Our checks?
TOM: It's just, in the last few weeks, we've been having some cash flow issues. Oh, this is hard.
SOOKIE: Are we not paying him?
LORELAI: I've been wanting to talk to you about that, Tom.
SOOKIE: [repeating] Are we not paying him?
LORELAI: No, no. We're paying him, we're just not paying him the way we should be. It's been an avalanche lately.
TOM: You got a lot of things happening here. Everything's going at once.
SOOKIE: [panicking] I feel very antsy right now, like I just ate some dark chocolate and drank an espresso.
LORELAI: [to Sookie] Okay. Let me talk to Tom for a second, hon. We'll clear it up, really. Go, go. [to Tom] Boy, I'm sorry about this, Tom. It's just been a deluge.
TOM: It's the home stretch -- that's usually when a deluge hits.
LORELAI: I was talking to the bank about a line of credit, but they didn't go for it.
TOM: Banks suck.
LORELAI: I meant to talk to you sooner.
TOM: The thing is, if I don't get paid, I can't pay my guys, then they tend to stop showing up.
LORELAI: So, uh, do you have to shut down?
TOM: I can keep it going awhile longer. For the jerks, I'd shut down. You guys, nah.
LORELAI: Thank you. Thanks, Tom. Now, hug, no hug?
TOM: [uncomfortable] I'm kinda dirty. How about if you whistle at me later in front of the guys when I walk by? Drive 'em nuts.
LORELAI: You got it. [Tom exits. Lorelai approaches Sookie.] Hey. I should have talked to you sooner.
SOOKIE: Are we d*ad broke?
LORELAI: Getting there.
SOOKIE: Well, we'll start cutting corners. I mean, I don't need that big, fancy stove from France. We'll skip that.
LORELAI: No way!
SOOKIE: It's too expensive, and I don't want it that much.
LORELAI: Sookie, you have four pictures in your wallet. One of Jackson, one of the baby, and two of that stove. You're getting that stove. But we could drop the horses.
SOOKIE: Desi and Cletus, over my d*ad body.
LORELAI: Well, the upkeep is astronomical. Maybe if we drop one of the horses.
SOOKIE: And who's making that choice, Sophie?
LORELAI: How about Jackson? Would he be willing to put up anything?
SOOKIE: He just bought a bunch of new farm equipment. He's strapped. Are you suddenly on super-fantastic terms with your parents?
LORELAI: If by fantastic, you mean are we as close as that one-armed surfer girl and the shark, then yes.
SOOKIE: Then what about Luke?
LORELAI: What about him?
SOOKIE: He's offered before.
LORELAI: Out of pity.
SOOKIE: We're pretty damn pitiable right now.
LORELAI: He's our friend.
SOOKIE: He's more than that. And he's a hermit, so we know he's got money, and if he didn't want to lend it to you, he'd tell you to your face.
LORELAI: That would be embarrassing.
SOOKIE: More embarrassing than Tom almost crying because we're not paying him?
LORELAI: No, I guess not.
SOOKIE: I'll put my thinking cap on, you put yours on, and if we come up with someone better, we'll talk. But we'll keep Luke as a last resort.
LORELAI: Last resort.
CUT TO YALE DORM ROOM
[Lane enters to hear arguing in the common room.]
JANET: This is ridiculous, Paris.
PARIS: He can sit in your room.
JANET: I'm still getting ready!
PARIS: Then he can sit in the hallway!
ANDRE: What's your problem?
PARIS: I'll tell you my problem, Andre. Last time you sat on our couch, your mesomorphic frame carved a four-foot crater in it. I felt like I was sitting in a bucket.
JANET: You're so full of it, Paris.
PARIS: Kids were skateboarding up and down it. Gandalf the Grey is still falling down it. It was a big hole.
ANDRE: [to Janet] What does mesomorphic mean?
PARIS: It means you've got a fat ass, pal.
JANET: Just ignore her and sit, Klee.
PARIS: Do not sit Klee.
JANET: It's my place, too.
PARIS: Yours, not that brobdingnagian twit.
JANET: So every friend I bring here has to pass your a**l standards?
PARIS: No, he just has to pass through the door without damaging the frame.
JANET: Oh, forget it. Just come into my room, Klee.
PARIS: Good!
JANET: Got another hot night at the library planned, Paris?
PARIS: He's still in here!
JANET: There's nothing like the bitterness of the lonely.
ANDRE: Yeah.
PARIS: Nice addition, Potsie.
JANET: Go put on your spinster dress. [exits with Andre]
[Paris stomps off to her bedroom and slams the door. Lane quietly enters behind her.]
PARIS: I'm moving or she is. One of us has gotta go.
LANE: I really hate when you guys fight.
PARIS: Calling me a spinster. I should stick a javelin in her brain.
LANE: You should tell her about the professor, that would shut her up.
PARIS: What? What did you say?
LANE: Just that she thinks you're not dating, and you are. You are, aren't you? Asher Fleming?
[A furious Paris exits, slamming the door.]
CUT TO YALE CAFETERIA CARD SWIPING TABLE
[Rory is swiping cards and talking on her cell phone.]
RORY: So busy-busy. I know you are, too. And I think I'm coming down with swipe wrist. It's like carpal tunnel, only swipier. Call me if you have any suggestions on how to combat this or if you have Jerry Lewis' number, because maybe his next telethon should be for me.
[Paris storms up to the table.]
PARIS: Rory.
RORY: Oh, geez. Paris, you scared me.
PARIS: You told. Come here.
RORY: I'm working.
PARIS: Swipe 'em yourself, people. [pulls Rory aside]
RORY: What?
PARIS: You told Lane about me and Asher?
RORY: What?
PARIS: That was a secret between you and me. You're the only one I told.
RORY: I just told Lane.
PARIS: She was blabbing it around our suite.
RORY: That doesn't sound like Lane.
PARIS: She said it to me, so she probably told everyone. Who else did you blab it to?
RORY: I didn't blab it. I just told Lane.
PARIS: That's blabbing.
RORY: Well, I told her before she had any connection to Yale. She wasn't living here.
PARIS: She shouldn't be living here.
RORY: What?
PARIS: She knows too much.
RORY: What are you going to do, k*ll her?
PARIS: You didn't tell anyone else?
RORY: No.
PARIS: Your milk man, your minister?
RORY: Just Lane, and I can tell her not to bring it up ever again, especially at Yale, especially in our room.
PARIS: She shouldn't be here, Rory.
RORY: It's just temporary.
PARIS: That suite is crowded enough with the four of us, plus the Jolly Green Giant and everyone else passing through there. She's gotta go.
RORY: You're just mad about what she said.
PARIS: Janet and Tanna think so, too.
RORY: No they don't.
PARIS: We've talked. It's crowded. Ask them.
RORY: I will. After my shift.
PARIS: Look, I know you like having her around, that she brings back memories of those sunshiny Stars Hollow days when the two of you would hold hands, and skip through fields of wildflowers, and sing Carpenter songs, but she doesn't belong here, she belongs there. And do me a favor and stop blabbing.
CUT TO DORM ROOM SOME TIME LATER
[Rory enters. Tanna watches TV while Janet does sit-ups on the floor.]
RORY: Hi.
JANET: [breathless] Hi.
TANNA: Hello.
RORY: Hey, Janet? Could you stop sit-upping for a sec?
JANET: I'm done. What's up?
RORY: Well, Paris --
JANET: Ugh, don't talk to me about Paris.
RORY: Yeah, I know, she said some stupid things.
JANET: What a tremendous shock.
RORY: Yeah, and I'm a little mad that she dragged you two into it. [Tanna switches off the TV.]
TANNA: What did she drag us into?
RORY: Well, she said that you guys weren't happy that Lane is still staying here, which is weird because Lane has been practically invisible. That is, when she's not cleaning the bathroom or picking up out here or bringing us coffee, et cetera, et cetera. And that's not true that you're tired of her being here, is it? That's just Paris?
TANNA: Well, it is a little weird.
RORY: It is?
JANET: It's kind of close quarters in here.
RORY: I know.
TANNA: She doesn't go here.
RORY: I know that, too.
JANET: It's weird
RORY: And you guys have all talked about it?
JANET: A little -- we thought she'd be gone by now.
TANNA: I'm not good at confrontations.
JANET: Personally, I'd vote Paris out over Lane in a heartbeat, but Paris goes here.
RORY: I see.
TANNA: Are you mad?
RORY: No, no. Carry on. [exits to her bedroom]
CUT TO BEDROOM
LANE: Hey, how was work?
RORY: Fine, dull.
LANE: You gonna study some more?
RORY: I'm gonna have to.
LANE: You look very serious.
RORY: Yeah.
LANE: Paris talk to you?
RORY: Yeah.
LANE: She was very mad.
RORY: Yeah.
LANE: I'm out, aren't I? It's okay. It couldn't last forever. It's time.
RORY: It's not time. Let me talk to them again.
LANE: No, it's time. I can't be here forever. I don't even go here.
RORY: The janitor's always here. He doesn't go here.
LANE: He works here.
RORY: So get a job here.
LANE: The jobs here are for the students.
RORY: The janitor's not a student.
LANE: You know what I mean.
RORY: So enroll.
LANE: Go to Yale?
RORY: Or be a janitor. Yale, janitor, in a hundred years, we'll all be d*ad. It's all the same.
LANE: No, this hasn't been fair to anyone here. I need to go. I'll go tomorrow morning. [starts packing]
RORY: We used to talk about living together. Remember, when we were little?
LANE: I know.
RORY: It was going to be a house made of cheese.
LANE: We had much debate about that. It was down to chocolate, cheese, or Brillo pads.
RORY: Why Brillo pads?
LANE: I think they just made us laugh.
RORY: You brought Stars Hollow here.
LANE: I'll visit. I promise.
RORY: Good.
LANE: Maybe one day we'll live in a house made of cheese.
RORY: I hope so.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HAIR SALON
[Lorelai is seated at a shampoo sink having her hair rinsed.]
LORELAI: Oh, I love shampoo sinks. They're like a hot tub for your head. Hey, listen, Lee Ann, don't tell Cindy, but you're better, much better. Those hands... [cell phone rings] Oh, no. Oh, no, not now.
LEANNE: Ignore it.
LORELAI: It could be my daughter. We've been missing each other for days. Sorry. Hello? No, this is she. No, no, Sookie's there. Yes, it was all arranged. Everywhere? You've looked everywhere? In the kitchen near the pipes? She loves those pipes. Did you look there? No, no, don't leave, please. I'll get someone down there to sign for it. Just please don't leave. I know. Ten minutes. Okay. [quickly dials number] Sookie, where are you?
SOOKIE and JACKSON'S RECORDED VOICES: Hi, this is Sookie. And Jackson. And Davey. And Davey wants to say hello, too. Go ahead, Davey, say hello. Come on, say hi. Say hi. Oh, he's licking the phone. Don't lick the phone. Little peepers. Little peepers, does the phone taste good?
LORELAI: Oh, for God's sake.
SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S RECORDED VOICES: I think it tastes like candy. Do you want to say it tastes like candy, huh? Oh he waved! Okay, so here comes the beep.
LORELAI: Shorten it, dq'd it, and call me back. [quickly dials another number - hair dripping]
MICHEL: Tally Rand Hotel, may I help you?
LORELAI: Micehel, good! Listen, emergency, can you --
MICHEL: You are not going to believe this. [whispers] Celine Dion is here. I'm not five feet away from her.
LORELAI: Cool, Spiffy. Listen, is there any way you could --
MICHEL: Oh, my heart is pounding through my chest. She's so beautiful.
LORELAI: Yeah, she's very pretty. Listen!
MICHEL: She's lovelier in person than she is on TV, and so nice.
LORELAI: I've only heard good things about her. Listen, can you please --
MICHEL: And I have a pimple today. Of all the days to have a pimple.
LORELAI: Michel, listen. Can you get to the inn? It's really important, and Sookie didn't show, and I'm desperate. I can't get away. I've got wet hair.
MICHEL: She sneezed. I should give her my hanky.
LORELAI: Forget it. I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] Lee Ann, what can you do for my hair in two minutes? [Lee Ann stares] I figured.
CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE INTERIOR
[Loud Knocking]
SOOKIE: Coming. [She shuffles sleepily down the hallway to the front door.] Okay, I'm coming. [opens door]
LORELAI: You said you were gonna meet the sink guy at the inn.
SOOKIE: I did?
LORELAI: Yeah, Sookie, you did. You said you were going to meet him to approve the sink and sign for it?
SOOKIE: Oh, Tom could have done that.
LORELAI: No, Sookie, Tom couldn't have done that because you insisted that you had to approve the sink before it was installed.
SOOKIE: I did? Oh, I did, didn't I? Oh, sh**t, oh, sh**t, oh, sh**t, oh, sugar foot.
LORELAI: If there was ever a time to use the real word, this would be it.
SOOKIE: Well, just call them, have them deliver the sink tomorrow.
LORELAI: No, no, Sookie, they can't deliver the sink tomorrow.
SOOKIE: Why?
LORELAI: Because they already sent it back to Canada.
SOOKIE: Why would they do that?
LORELAI: Because… that's where it's mother is.
SOOKIE: I'm sorry, I got no sleep last night. Davey cried forever, and I finally got him to sleep, and I must have fallen asleep with him.
LORELAI: Sookie, I was counting on you. Now they have to reship it back here, which means we have to repay the shipping fee.
SOOKIE: Why didn't you call Michel?
LORELAI: I did. He couldn't come.
SOOKIE: You want coffee? I am so tired. This is so typical. He's always complaining about not being included, and then he finally gets a chance, and he won't come.
LORELAI: Sookie, Michel has a job. We're not paying him.
SOOKIE: I know, but still.
LORELAI: Sookie -- stop, turn, look. What do you think of my hair?
SOOKIE: Too much product?
LORELAI: Sookie, for the past six weeks, I have taken every meeting. I have been at the inn round the clock - I haven't had a second for myself - and all I asked for was just one hour to get my hair done, and then two seconds into the shampoo I get a phone call from a guy who sounds like a "Kids in the Hall" character telling me I have to get to the inn to okay a sink that I wouldn't know how to okay because I don't know what makes it okay. You know what makes it okay, which is why you said you would be there to say whether or not it was okay.
SOOKIE: Look, I said I'm sorry I missed the meeting, but I have a baby here.
LORELAI: Yes, I know, believe me, that's all I've heard about lately.
SOOKIE: Well, excuse me for procreating.
LORELAI: We have a business we're trying to launch.
SOOKIE: I missed a meeting.
LORELAI: Every meeting.
SOOKIE: I said I'm sorry.
LORELAI: I don't need you to be sorry. I need you to be there.
SOOKIE: What do you want me to do? I have a baby.
LORELAI: Sookie, we are drowning here. I wasn't supposed to have to do everything by myself. That's why I have a partner.
SOOKIE: I didn't know I was gonna be pregnant when we decided to open the inn.
LORELAI: And if you'd known, we wouldn't be partners?
SOOKIE: No, I mean… Look, this isn't the stuff I'm supposed to help with, anyhow.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
SOOKIE: The planning, the decision making -- I've never been any good at that. My part comes later, when we open the inn.
LORELAI: I need you before then.
SOOKIE: I'm doing the best I can.
LORELAI: Fine. I have to go. [exits]
SOOKIE: [calls after her] What are we gonna do about the sink?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lane enters.]
LANE: Hey, Luke.
LUKE: Hey, Lane, back in town, huh? [Busily busses table]
LANE: Well, yeah, as of today.
LUKE: You're not staying with Rory anymore, huh?
LANE: No, it was kind of time for me to move on, considering, you know, I don't actually go to Yale.
LUKE: Yeah.
LANE: You need some help?
LUKE: Nope, I'm good. [walks back to counter]
ED: I've been waiting for ten minutes.
LUKE: Sorry, not even close to the record.
LANE: Listen, I was wondering if I could maybe get my job back. I know it was wrong for me to take off like that. I totally left you in the lurch, and I'd be willing to work extra overtime hours for nothing if you'd consider giving me another chance.
LUKE: Sure.
LANE: Really? Oh, my God, thank you, Luke. Should I start right now?
ED: Yes [waiting impatiently]
LUKE: Your shift tonight will be fine.
LANE: Okay, my shift tonight. I'll be here. [Lorelai enters the diner wearing a baseball cap to cover her hair.] Lorelai. I really, really want to thank you.
LORELAI: Aww, you're very, very welcome. For what?
LANE: For letting me stay with you.
LORELAI: You're staying with me?
LANE: Yes?
LORELAI: And I knew this?
LANE: Rory told you…
LORELAI: Ha, ha, Rory told me, yeah.
LANE: She did tell you, right? She said she was gonna call.
[Lorelai quickly checks the messages on cell phone]
LORELAI: Ahh, I guess you're staying with me.
LANE: Is that okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, its okay. Just make sure your mom knows.
LANE: Okay, I will. I'll see you at home. [exits while speaking] Thanks, Luke, I'll see you later.
ED: Oh, we'll be here.
LUKE: Sit down, Ed. [returns to counter] Pigs, gluttons.
LORELAI: Customers!
LUKE: How could people eat this much?
LORELAI: Well, this is not all from one person, Luke.
LUKE: It's disgusting. It's making me sick to my stomach.
LORELAI: Well then, have you ever thought that maybe you're in the wrong industry?
LUKE: I should get rid of the plates, make 'em all strap on a feed bag, you know, hang bells around their necks. Enter them in county fairs.
[A pair of customers leave.]
LORELAI: Come again, soon. See ya! [to Luke] Listen, Luke, could you h*t the pause button on the rant for just a sec?
LUKE: What do you need?
LORELAI: I was wondering if we could have dinner tonight.
LUKE: Dinner?
LORELAI: Yeah, I need to discuss something with you, and I thought maybe we could do it over dinner unless you and Nicole have -
LUKE: She's in Boston this week.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, how about Silvano's, 8:00?
LUKE: Why don't you just come here? I could make us some…
LORELAI: No, this isn't diner talk. It's more official.
LUKE: Are you being drafted?
LORELAI: Yes, that's it.
LUKE: You have to wear a tie at Silvano's.
LORELAI: No, just a jacket, and you can take it off the minute we sit down.
LUKE: Okay, 8:00.
LORELAI: Okay, I'll see you there. [moved to door]
LUKE: Love the hat.
LORELAI: Livin' on a prayer, baby. [exits]
[Bemused, Luke crosses his arms and watches her walk off.]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK
[Lane is walking down the street with a full grocery bag when she sees her mother approaching. They both hesitate before continuing to walk toward each other.]
MRS. KIM: Hello, Lane.
LANE: Hello, Mrs. Kim. [Mrs Kim stars to walk away] I'm staying at Lorelai's.
MRS. KIM: Wear socks. [walks on]
LANE: Okay.
CUT TO YALE CLASS HALLWAY
[Rory, cell phone to her ear, is walking down busy hall.]
LORELAI's ANSWERING MACHINE: ...and I'll return your call as soon as possible, thanks.
RORY: [leaving voice message] So I'm on my way to my professor's office to ask him a question about his last lecture because my pen was giving out, and I can't read my own writing, which is not at all true. However, it will give him a perfect opportunity to discuss my paper with me since I'm sure he's graded it by now, and since I'm also sure I'm in for a big helping of "Nicely done, Miss Gilmore, how about an 'A'." Call me. [she stops before teacher's office door and knocks]
PROF. GILBERT: [from inside] Come in.
RORY: [enters office] Professor Gilbert? Hi, I'm Rory Gilmore. I'm in your Tuesday afternoon Game Theory class. I hope I'm not disturbing you.
PROF. GILBERT: Come in.
RORY: Thank you. I was wondering if I could go over a couple of things from your lecture the other day.
PROF. GILBERT: Uh-hmm [stands and begins shuffling through papers behind her without speaking]
RORY: Okay, well, I wrote something down here, but I cannot for the life of me read my own handwriting. Seriously, if I had this analyzed, Charlize Theron would be playing me in a movie… 'Cause I'd be a serial k*ller, and pretty girls like to get fat and play serial K*llers 'cause they win an Oscar and - I'm sorry, should I go on?
PROF. GILBERT: Or you can just wait to let me find your paper so we can talk about why you're really here.
RORY: Oh. [embarrassed] Well, Okay. [nervous giggle - sits down]
PROF. GILBERT: Rory Gilmore. [He pulls her paper from the middle of the pile.] Yes, here we are. [reads notes while returning to seat] Yes. Right. Okay. Good you came in.
RORY: It is?
PROF. GILBERT: Yes. Now, in this paper, you were supposed to use a real world example to compare and contrast classical economic theory and game theory, yes?
RORY: Yes.
PROF. GILBERT: Okay, now your paper dealt well enough with the game theory portion. However, you then diverged into a discussion on the pollution problem in Mexico City.
RORY: Uh-huh.
PROF. GILBERT: Well, it felt to me like someone using knowledge from a different course to pad their paper and thereby avoid doing research for mine.
RORY: Oh, no, I just --
PROF. GILBERT: I've seen this happen before, particularly to freshmen. Usually, it just means that they're overloading themselves, that they don't fully understand the demands of a Yale academic curriculum. So, I took the liberty of looking over your schedule, and I think that's what you've done.
RORY: Oh, no, no, I'm fine, really. I just have a little trouble with game theory, that's all. I blame my mother. She always made up the games at home when I was growing up. I begged her for Monopoly, but she insisted on "Mimic Your Favorite Sweat Hog", so…
PROF. GILBERT: I talked with your advisor. She has the same concern that I do.
RORY: What concern is that?
PROF. GILBERT: You're taking too many courses this semester. Your workload is too heavy.
RORY: I'll try harder.
PROF. GILBERT: I think you should drop this course. You still have a couple of weeks left before the end of the drop period. You can take the course again when you have more time to devote to it.
RORY: But, my grandfather took this same workload when he went here.
PROF. GILBERT: Different people work at different paces. You shouldn't compare yourself to anyone else. You work at a slower pace.
RORY: I don't. I'm not…
PROF. GILBERT: The choice is ultimately yours. You can stay, but this is a "D" paper. This is not a big deal. This happens to a lot of students.
RORY: [stands, smooths hair and moves toward door] Okay. Glad to be fitting in. [exits]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE INSIDE FRONT DOOR
[The doorbell rings. The maid opens the door to reveal Lorelai.]
LORELAI: [to maid] Hi. I'm Lore--
EMILY: Get in here right now.
LORELAI: My gran must be here. [begins to remove coat]
EMILY: [to maid] Jersey, close the door and get those nuts in the living room [hurriedly yanks off Lorelai's coat].
LORELAI: Well.. Ow.
EMILY: I've been alone with that woman for over two hours now.
LORELAI: Real arm in the coat, Mom.
EMILY: Your father's late. You're late.
LORELAI: I'm not late, just in pain.
EMILY: Get in the living room.
LORELAI: I can't arrive before the nuts.
EMILY: Don't start with me.
CUT TO SITTING ROOM
EMILY: Here she is, Mom, Lorelai. The party just gets bigger.
LORELAI: Hi, Gran, how are you doing? You look great.
TRIX: Emily, what is the matter with her hair?
EMILY: Oh, well...
[Lorelai fusses with her hair.]
TRIX: I know my granddaughter. If she had received proper notice of my arrival, she would have done something about it.
EMILY: I told her in plenty of time, Mom.
LORELAI: She really did, Gran. I swear.
TRIX: I think it is admirable of you to cover for your mother. The importance of family loyalty simply cannot be measured. Sit, dear. Other than your hair, you look well. Are you well? Emily, perhaps the girl would like a drink.
LORELAI: I am very well.
TRIX: Good. How is Rory?
LORELAI: She's just as healthy as I am.
EMILY: [from the bar] And her hair is perfect.
TRIX: And how is she doing at Yale?
LORELAI: She's doing great, studying her butt off.
TRIX: Oh, how charming to hear. I'm glad she's doing well. She is a Gilmore, after all. Gilmores have always excelled at Yale. They have quite a legacy to live up to.
LORELAI: Well, your legacy is safe with her.
[The maid enters with a crystal bowl.]
EMILY: [shrilly] Mom, here are the nuts.
TRIX: Oh, thank you, Emily, for that announcement. How wonderful that you don't need some sort of amplification system in order to make sure that everyone in the area is informed about the arrival of the nuts.
EMILY: I'm sorry. [embarrassed]
TRIX: [to Lorelai] Strange woman, so excited about nuts.
RICHARD: [from other room] I smell jasmine.
[Richard enters with Jason behind him]
TRIX: You smell impatience. Where have you been?
RICHARD: You know very well where I've been. [kisses Trix's cheek] I had some work to get out of the way so I could devote my full attention to you. You look wonderful. Florida agrees with you.
TRIX: Florida agrees with muscle-bound men who dress like women. I am much happier to be back here where I belong. Would you like a nut? They seem to be very important to your wife.
EMILY: I thought you liked those nuts, Mom.
RICHARD: I'm fine, Trix. I have someone I would like you to meet. [turns and sees Lorelai for the first time] Lorelai, have you been there the whole time?
LORELAI: Yes, I have.
RICHARD: Well, I didn't see you.
LORELAI: Well, I had my cloaking device activated, so --
RICHARD: [ignores her] Trix, this is my partner, Jason Stiles. Jason, this is my mother.
JASON: It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Gilmore.
TRIX: You are very young.
JASON: Oh, no, no, no, not so young.
TRIX: I think I know if someone is young or not.
EMILY: [exasperated] For God's sake, Jason, just be young.
[Jason looks helplessly at Lorelai.]
LORELAI: [to Jason] Cloaking device, never leave home without it.
TRIX: Richard Gilmore, you're growing a mustache.
EMILY: I know, the Ferrari is arriving on Tuesday.
TRIX: I like it.
RICHARD: Thank you, Trix.
TRIX: It makes you look like Adolphe Menjou.
EMILY: [under her breath] Or Adolphe Menjou's cocaine dealer.
[Jason presents a wrapped gift to Trix.]
TRIX: What is that?
JASON: Well, actually, this is a little present that I got for you.
TRIX: For me?
JASON: Yes.
TRIX: Why would you give me a present?
JASON: [uncomfortably] Well..
TRIX: It's not my birthday. It's not Christmas.
JASON: Yes, but...
TRIX: You don't even know me.
JASON: No, but you're Richard's mother, so I thought --
TRIX: What is it? What is this present that you got for an old woman you've never met?
JASON: [pause] It's a book.
TRIX: What sort of book?
JASON: It's a book on French antiques. I heard you liked French antiques.
TRIX: I do like French antiques.
JASON: You can just open it later. [sets box on nearby table]
[Lorelai's cell phone rings in her purse and she reaches for it.]
TRIX: Absolutely not -- I am company. You don't answer the phone when you have company,
so put it away and turn it off.
LORELAI: Yes, Gran.
TRIX: Now, shall we all take turns guessing how long it will be before lunch is served? I will say an hour. Richard?
RICHARD: [laughing] You are bad, Trix.
[Emily rolls her eyes and gulps her drink.]
CUT TO YALE - RORY'S BEDROOM
[Rory attempts to call her mother.]
LORELAI'S VOICE MAIL: Hi, this is Lorelai Gilmore, and you've reached my cell phone. Leave a message, and I'll return your call -
RORY: [Sighs, then hangs up when gets voicemail. Grabs car keys and exits]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE LIBRARY
[Lorelai is staring at her cell phone. Jason enters.]
JASON: [whispers] Hey, you on the phone?
LORELAI: [whispers] No, I'm just checking my messages.
JASON: Anything important?
LORELAI: No, just a hang up.
JASON: Good, good. [looks at nearby decorative globe] You know, I should get a globe. Every time you see a movie, and there's a really important character, and then you go into that character's office, they always have a globe.
LORELAI: You're hiding from my grandmother, aren't you?
JASON: She is scarier than Nick Nolte's mug sh*t.
LORELAI: Come on. [ushering him out]
JASON: Please, she's just gonna ask me why I got her a present again.
CUT TO GILMORE HALLWAY
[Jason and Lorelai meet the others.]
TRIX: We have decided to just go sit at the table. Perhaps the food will appear by sheer wish fulfillment.
EMILY: I'll check on it again, Mom.
TRIX: Oh, please don't. I wouldn't want to disturb your cook. She's obviously in the middle of a crossword puzzle. [they all settle at table] Lorelai, where did you go?
LORELAI: Sorry, Gran. I had to check my messages. I've got all this construction going on at the inn.
TRIX: Yes, your inn. [to Richard] Have you seen this inn of hers?
RICHARD: No, not yet.
LORELAI: No, it's a mess right now. You'll all see it when it's done.
TRIX: And when will that be?
LORELAI: Soon.
TRIX: I see you measure time like your mother.
EMILY: [helplessly] Just let me check on lunch, please?
TRIX: So tell me, Lorelai. How much money have you invested in this inn?
LORELAI: Oh, a chunk.
TRIX: And I assume that you have a projected timetable for getting your chunk back out?
LORELAI: Well, if everything goes as planned, we're hoping to break even the first year and turn a profit the second year.
TRIX: That's optimistic, yes?
LORELAI: Yes, but our town has a pretty regular tourist trade.
JASON: You know, small inns and bed and breakfasts can be real money factories.
TRIX: Yes, and wonderful places to put all those French antiques.
LORELAI: Well, we have very high hopes, and we booked our first reservation.
EMILY: When is the reservation?
LORELAI: May 8th.
RICHARD: Really? That soon?
EMILY: You'll be ready by then?
LORELAI: Well, we'll have to be. We had to add some extra construction guys, and we'll have to get the sink back from Canada, but we'll finish in time.
TRIX: How is the money holding up?
LORELAI: Excuse me?
TRIX: The money. I was somewhat aware of your financial situation before you took this on. How much do you have left?
LORELAI: Plenty. Enough to finish.
TRIX: You're in trouble.
LORELAI: No.
TRIX: You are hemorrhaging money. I see it in your eyes. It must be costing a fortune to get a contractor to stick to a projected completion date. And you're not working now. Unless your partner is a Rockefeller, you are in serious financial trouble.
EMILY: Mom, I don't think this is the best time to discuss this.
TRIX: Well, if we were eating, we would have something else to do, but since we're not... [to Richard] How could you let this happen?
RICHARD: How could I let this happen?
TRIX: She is your daughter. It is your responsibility to know when she is in deep financial trouble.
LORELAI: I'm not in deep financial trouble.
RICHARD: Trix, Lorelai is a grown woman.
TRIX: Ridiculous. This is a family. It is a family's responsibility to make sure that this doesn't happen. We have a reputation to uphold. How would it look if a Gilmore goes out into the business world and fails?
EMILY: I hardly think she's failing, Mom.
TRIX: Well, she looks like she's failing to me. [Lorelai chuckles nervously. Trix turns to Richard.] And I am surprised at you. After all, I helped you out when you had financial problems.
RICHARD: Trix!
TRIX: You made that terrible investment in Dubliners Paper Corporation when you were first married. I told you not to, but you wouldn't listen, and of course, I had to step in and bail you out.
RICHARD: Now, hold on here, Trix.
TRIX: You would have lost this house if it weren't for me.
RICHARD: That is not true.
TRIX: It is not true that you pigheadedly lost that money?
RICHARD: I was twenty-seven years old. That is the time to take risks.
TRIX: Well, when you have my money to bail you out, taking risks is not much of a problem, is it?
RICHARD: [angry] You're making me sound like an incompetent child.
TRIX: Oh, please.
RICHARD: [angry] I have built two extremely successful businesses, Mother, and both of them without your help. [Emily smiles brightly] And I do not appreciate you now, many years later, throwing in my face the fact that you once helped me out financially!
TRIX: Do not raise your voice to me.
RICHARD: I will raise my voice if the situation warrants it!
[The maid enters with salad plates.]
EMILY: Oh, no, not now. [to Richard] You paid that money back in two months, also.
RICHARD: That's right, two months. How deep in financial ruin could I have been to get that money back to you in two months?
TRIX: I'm leaving this table.
RICHARD: Let me help you with your chair.
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN CONSTRUCTION SIGHT - EVENING
[Rory approaches Tom as he gathers his belongings to leave.]
RORY: Hey, Tom, is my mom here?
TOM: I haven't seen her. She could be inside. She sometimes slips in the back door, likes to surprise a bunch of guys with nail g*n.
RORY: Thanks. [She enters the Dragonfly Inn.] Mom?
DEAN: [approaches] Rory. Hey.
RORY: Do you know where my mom is?
DEAN: No, did you check outside?
RORY: Yeah, I did. She's not there. She's not at home. She's not anywhere. [slight trembling voice]
DEAN: Are you okay?
RORY: Yeah, I'm fine. I just - I can't find her.
DEAN: Well, maybe she's at Sookie's.
RORY: Sookie's? Okay, I can try Sookie's. [She fumbles with her cell phone.]
DEAN: Rory, what's wrong?
RORY: Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine, I'm good. I'm just having some technical difficulties. Get it? [shakes her phone] Technical difficulties? Very funny, eh?
DEAN: Yeah, it's very funny.
RORY: I know, I am very funny, and I am getting funnier. Yale is doing that to me. I am just -- it's really developing, the hilarity. Where are we going?
DEAN: Outside. [guides her to the exit]
RORY: Outside? Sure, 'cause I'm used to working a bigger room.
DEAN: [gently] What's wrong?
RORY: Nothing.
[Dean guides her to the steps where they sit.]
DEAN: What's wrong?
RORY: [voice breaking] Everything's falling apart. I thought I had it all under control, but I don't.
DEAN: What? What was under control?
RORY: Everybody else can handle the classes, but I can't. And I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to take five classes. Everybody else does. I mean, my grandfather did. [sigh] God, how am I gonna tell my grandfather that I failed?
DEAN: You failed?
RORY: No, I didn't even get a chance to fail. I mean -- [sniff] I had to drop a class. I was told to drop a class.
DEAN: That's not a big deal.
RORY: It's a really big deal. I'm not supposed to drop a class. I'm not the drop-a-class person. I get good grades. [trembling voice] I… handle things.
DEAN: Hey, come on. [ Puts his arm around her, rubbing her arm ]
RORY: And Lane, she's not around anymore, and I -- I know she had to go, but I miss her, and I liked her there, and I haven't talked to my mom, and I need to talk to her, and she's not around. And I'm failing. I'm failing everything. I can't do it. I can't handle it. I'm messing everything up! [ Sobbing ] Oh! God, just look at this.
DEAN: Look at what?
RORY: You having to be nice to me. I mean, you shouldn't have to be nice to me. I was horrible to you, and now you're married to someone nice and who's not me and not a failure.
DEAN: You are so not a failure.
RORY: [sobbing] Yes, I am. I just can't, I -- I need to talk to my mom 'cause I just don't know what to do.
DEAN: It's okay. [He hugs her close, comforting her.]
STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK - NIGHT
[Luke, nicely dressed with keys in hand, walks around his truck and spots Lorelai approaching.]
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: Hey, I was just coming to meet you.
LORELAI: I know. Yeah. [nervously smoothing hair] Could we uh, -- I need to --- I'm sorry, I need to reschedule our dinner.
LUKE: Oh sure.
LORELAI: Yeah, I'm just very tired.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: So I'm sorry that I made you get all dressed up.
LUKE: That's okay, it's good for me to do it every once in awhile. It reminds me why I'm not an accountant.
LORELAI: [odd giggle] Okay.
LUKE: [concerned] Everything okay?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Are you okay?
LORELAI: Why?
LUKE: Because you don't look okay.
LORELAI: Well, geez, take me now, sailor.
LUKE: I mean, you look distracted.
LORELAI: Distracted, no. Well, maybe -- yeah. Distracted, okay, sure. I'm very distracted.
LUKE: Anything I can do?
LORELAI: You know, there are very few times in my life when I find myself sitting around thinking, "I wish I was married," but today, I mean -- I'm happy. You know? I like my life. I like my friends. I like my stuff. My time, my space, my TV.
LUKE: Yeah, sure.
LORELAI: But every now and then, just for a moment, I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack. Someone to wait for the cable guy, make me coffee in the morning, meet the stupid sink before it gets sent back to Canada. [wanders to nearby bench and sits]
LUKE: What happened? [joins her on bench]
LORELAI: [ Voice breaking ] Um... [ Sniffles ] I just thought I had everything under control, but I didn't, and the inn is just falling apart. This has been my dream forever, and I have it, and it's here, and I'm failing. I can't handle it. I just spend every minute running around and working and thinking. [Luke puts his arm across the back of the bench and listens quietly.] And I thought I would have help, but Sookie has Davey, and Michel has Celine, and I'm -- I can't do it all by myself. [[Luke moves closer.] And I don't even have time to see my kid, and hell, forget see her, just even talk to her. And I miss her. And I sat there in my parents' house just listening to my grandmother basically call me a charity case, and I couldn't even argue with her. I couldn't even say anything, because I am. I'm running out of money, and I don't know what to do about it, and I was gonna, I was gonna ask you for $30,000 at dinner tonight. That's how pathetic I am.
LUKE: Thirty thousand dollars. Well, okay, I mean if you --
LORELAI: I don't want to talk about it now. I don't want to think about it. [hiding face, she leans against his chest] I'm failing. [ Sobs ] I'm failing.
[Luke hugs her close, strokes her hair, and gently rubs her arm.]
LUKE: You are not failing.
LORELAI: [muffled] I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
LUKE: [gently] It's okay.
CUT TO YALE - RORY'S BEDROOM
[Rory listens to her answering machine.]
LORELAI'S VOICE: Hi, hon. I'm just seeing if I could catch you, but you're out. So...nothing much to report here. Just give me a call when you can.
CUT TO LORELAI'S LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai listens to her answering machine.]
RORY'S VOICE: Just checking in. Nothing big to report. Okay, give me a call when you can. Bye, mom.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x14 - The Incredible Shrinking Lorelais"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Chris Long
transcript by Patti Jo with assistance by Canopus
OPEN IN LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai enters with a laptop in her arms.]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hey!
LORELAI: [chuckles and reaches for food on plates he is serving] Ow!
LUKE: Don't.
LORELAI: Ohh. [feigns disappointed]
LUKE: You okay?
LORELAI: Well, you hurt my feelings just now.
LUKE: No, I mean you doing okay with everything?
LORELAI: You're referring to my meltdown in the park.
LUKE: It wasn't a meltdown.
LORELAI: Oh, it was a meltdown. They're making it into a movie -- "Meltdown in the Park." Don't worry, it's just a working title. Baz Luhrmann's directing. And the movie Luke wears tights and sings.
LUKE: But you're okay?
LORELAI: Thanks to my knight in shining armor.
LUKE: Ah, well…
LORELAI: I just hope Alec Baldwin captures your rare essence.
LUKE: And slims down a little for the role. I should deliver these.
LORELAI: Can I work on my laptop?
LUKE: Does it make noise?
LORELAI: No, but I sometimes do.
LUKE: You always do.
LORELAI: Thanks.
[Kirk enters the diner with a pink bag under his arm.]
LUKE: Kirk.
KIRK: Luke.
LUKE: What's with the -
KIRK: It's not a purse!
LUKE: I wasn't gonna say "purse."
KIRK: Oh… Sorry.
LUKE: What's with the gay bag?
KIRK: It's a dog carrier. My girlfriend's gone out of town with some friends, and I'm watching Buster for her. And they're girlfriends, not guys. I called the hotel she booked and verified that it's a girl's name on the register with her. Not that I don't trust her.
LUKE: Clearly.
KIRK: Over there okay?
LUKE: Sure. Carol, Danny, Jamie, Sean, Chris?
KIRK: What's that?
LUKE: Just a list of guys' names that could be girls. You want coffee?
KIRK: Yes.
[Luke returns behind the counter]
LUKE: What is this?
LORELAI: Phone cord.
LUKE: I can't have this here.
LORELAI: Don't worry. It's not plugged in to your regular line. It's the fax line you put in a year ago that you never use.
LUKE: You mean the fax line you made me put in to get in fax orders, even though no one has ever wanted to put in a fax order, and I never got the fax machine, like I told you I would never, ever get the fax machine, making the fax line pointless.
LORELAI: Hold on… Let me get on the "Guinness World Records" website. [clicking on her keyboard] Yes, that's the most times anyone has ever used the word "fax" in a sentence.
LUKE: Just be quick with this.
LORELAI: Man, I love e-mail. Every day Rory and I write each other multiple times. It's great.
LUKE: You enjoy typing to people more than talking to them?
LORELAI: Wrong perspective. E-mail is a return to the romantic days of letter writing. It's pure Dickens.
LUKE: Why Dickens?
LORELAI: It's just when I picture letter writing, I picture Charles Dickens.
LUKE: Charles Dickens wrote more letters than other people?
LORELAI: No, it's just I can easily picture him in his study with his dog and his pipe and his fancy feathered pen, writing [British accent] "Cheerio, old bean. Have a cup of tea. How's Big Ben? How's the Tower of London, Sister Suffragette? Tuppence a bag."
LUKE: Sounds like an idiot. [struggles to crawl under phone cord]
CAESAR: Hey, Luke, coffee?.
LUKE: [struggles back under cord] Oh, this is embarrassing.
LORELAI: I could unplug, but then I'd just have to start the whole process all over again.
LUKE: Or you could just eat here and save e-mailing for when you're...excuse me [A delayed realization sinks in and he walks over to Kirk's table.] You have a dog there?
KIRK: No. Why?
LUKE: Just putting two and two together.
KIRK: Well, it's coming out five. Buster is at home, asleep.
LUKE: Mm-hmm. Okay. What'll you have?
KIRK: Oatmeal, extra brown sugar on the side, and a pound of raw hamburger. [sees Luke's dark expression] Or just the oatmeal will be fine.
[Luke returns to the counter and now Lorelai's computer cord is balanced atop stacked menus. He sighs.]
LORELAI: Voila!
LUKE: This does nothing.
LORELAI: It makes it easier to limbo under.
LUKE: This is my place. I shouldn't have to limbo.
KIRK: [high voice] You still sleepy?
LORELAI: [glances over at Kirk's table] Why is Kirk talking to his man purse?
KIRK: You got sleepy face. You have to tinkle? [realizes he's being watched and nnonchalantlyreaches into bag] Uh, where is that? Just looking for my Lucky magazine, and, uh...ow! [ Grunts ] Paper cut.
OPEN TO YALE DORM ROOM
[Rory coughs then reaches into the mini-fridge.]
PARIS: What are you doing?
RORY: Getting a drink.
PARIS: You're sick.
RORY: Hence the fluids.
PARIS: When you came out of our room, did you use the doorknob?
RORY: As opposed to dematerializing, passing vapor-like through the wall, then rematerializing out here? No, I used the doorknob.
PARIS: For the love of God, I begged you not to touch anything. [Paris sprays an aerosol can over the doorknob.]
RORY: I'm not contagious anymore. Paris, stop!
PARIS: I'm not getting sick.
RORY: That's your deodorant.
PARIS: Then what the hell did I spray under my arms?
[A cell phone rings in distance. Rory goes into her room to answer it.]
RORY: That's mine. [answers] Hello.
LANE: Guess where I'm standing.
RORY: I don't know but you sound a little echoey.
[cutting between Rory's dorm and Lane's apartment]
LANE: I'm standing in the living room of my very own apartment!
RORY: You're kidding.
LANE: I'm waiting for the gas man. The gas man! Isn't that great? I've got gas! Ignore the word. Just focus on the enthusiasm.
RORY: How are you affording this?
LANE: I'm sharing it with Zach and Brian.
RORY: You're living with the band?
LANE: It's totally innocent, I have my own room, and they're gonna sleep in the living room.
RORY: That is so cool. When do you move your stuff in?
LANE: Tomorrow. That is if my mom hasn't sold it all by now. Hey, you sound a little stuffed.
RORY: I've been sick, but it's mostly deodorant stench I'm suffering from at the moment.
LANE: Oh, my God! My first mail is here! It's a Chinese menu.
RORY: Frame it or something.
LANE: I will. I've gotta go, I'll call you later.
RORY: Bye. [glances over at bedroom doorway where Paris is holding cigarette lighter flame under the door knob.] Oh, that's not dangerous.
PARIS: f*re kills germs. [holding shirt over nose as Rory passes by] And I'm sleeping with one of the other girls tonight.
RORY: How very "The L Word".
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai packs up her laptop.]
LUKE: You done?
LORELAI: Oh yes, your limboing days are over, my friend. Thanks for putting up with me.
LUKE: Well, I only fell once.
LORELAI: And gracefully. Bye.
LUKE: Wait a minute. Hold on.
LORELAI: Why? [Luke glances around covertly] You're making me nervous.
LUKE: Just, uh... [slides an envelope over to her] here.
LORELAI: What's this?
LUKE: It's what it is.
LORELAI: [hold envelope to forehead] "A monk, a trunk, and a skunk."
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Carnak, although I don't have a punch line. Never stopped Johnny.
LUKE: Put that down. Hide it.
LORELAI: What is it?
LUKE: Open it later.
[After opening the envelope, Lorelai sighs and sits down.]
LORELAI: A check to me for $30,000.
LUKE: Shh!
LORELAI: Luke, this is the money I was gonna ask you for.
LUKE: And you did ask, and there it is.
LORELAI: But I didn't. Not officially. I blubbered an amount to you, and we didn't get to talk about a repayment schedule.
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: Or interest or collateral. I had charts and projections. I wanted to take you out to a nice dinner.
LUKE: So send me a Honeybaked Ham.
LORELAI: But this is wrong. This is not how you do these things.
LUKE: I don't know how to do these things. Will you just take the money?
LORELAI: I'm sorry, we at least have to go over the basics. [She pulls out napkin and scribbles on it.]
LUKE: I don't want to read that.
LORELAI: Well, I'm not leaving until you read this napkin. [She pushes the napkin over to Luke.]
LUKE: Okay. [He reads and edits the napkin.] Fine. Okay? That's okay. That's too much. That's sufficient. [He passes the napkin back to Lorelai.]
LORELAI: Okay, but what about this? [She writes something down and passes it back.]
LUKE: Nicole?!
LORELAI: Hey! I thought we were writing and sliding.
LUKE: What about Nicole?
LORELAI: I need to know her role.
LUKE: There is none.
LORELAI: Luke, if it's joint money, then I should acknowledge that and thank her the next time I see her…
LUKE: You're not gonna see her. Now, can we stop talking about this whole thing?
LORELAI: Okay, but I insist on typing up something legal and binding for this loan.
LUKE: Okay, okay. I really just don't want to talk about this anymore.
LORELAI: Okay. We'll dot the Is and cross the Ts another day.
LUKE: Yes, we'll cross and dot.
LORELAI: I just have to write down one more thing.
LUKE: What! [impatiently] What is so important now? [reads the napkin] You're welcome.
[Lorelai gathers up her belongings and leaves. Luke smiles down at the note.]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE FRONT HALL
[The doorbell rings and the maid answers. Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Hi. [The maid exits quickly.]
EMILY: [enters speaking impatiently on a cordless phone] Gilmore -- Richard and Emily Gilmore. Look, we single-handedly put your restaurant on the map by praising your crab puffs at Eunice Pierpont Pennington's granddaughter's christening.
LORELAI: Hi, Mom. [follows and waves to Emily]
EMILY: [still speaking into phone] Oh, really? You're new there? Because your deft handling of this phone call displays all the signs of a seasoned and experienced hand. [brief pause] Yes, go get Trey. That's a smashing idea. [to Lorelai] Painful hello.
LORELAI: What's going on? [removes coat]
EMILY: You couldn't see the smoke from Stars Hollow? Lettie b*rned the entrée.
LORELAI: Beyond edibility? 'Cause I'm not picky.
EMILY: No, I could not expose you to such a loin.
LORELAI: Oh, if I had a nickel.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: So you had a burning loin.
EMILY: And now I'm fighting to squeeze us into somewhere appropriate.
LORELAI: Someone to take pity on the loinless.
EMILY: Is that how you're dressed?
LORELAI: Is this a trick question?
EMILY: It's really not appropriate to go out in.
LORELAI: Well, I did not foresee your burning loin.
EMILY: Stop saying that word.
LORELAI: When will I get this chance again?
EMILY: I've seen that on you a dozen times. You really should update your wardrobe.
LORELAI: My wardrobe is fine, Mom.
EMILY: The summer lines are coming out. You should h*t a store.
[Richard enters.]
RICHARD: No need for you to h*t any more stores, Emily. You've done enough shopping for a lifetime. For Methuselah's lifetime. [to his daughter] Hello, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hi, Dad.
EMILY: I didn't say I was going shopping, Richard.
RICHARD: It's an instinct that requires no verbalization.
EMILY: I was suggesting that your daughter update her wardrobe.
RICHARD: No need to spread your disease either.
EMILY: Richard!
LORELAI: Really Dad, don't read more into this than what it is: just humiliating me.
RICHARD: Ah.
EMILY: I should hang up and let you both starve.
RICHARD: What do you mean, starve? What happened to dinner?
EMILY: I told you not five minutes ago that dinner was ruined.
RICHARD: Did you?
EMILY: Yes.
RICHARD: I heard the word "loin," but I didn't think you meant dinner. [grins]
LORELAI: Eh...This is making me very uncomfortable.
EMILY: That's because you half listen to everything I say. [to phone] Yes, I'm still here. Good, check with him. [to Richard] I think we have a sh*t at Bastide.
RICHARD: Isn't that a little drab?
EMILY: We love Bastide.
RICHARD: You love Bastide. Why don't we try that place Jason took me to last week? A lot of hip clientele. He pointed out Moby to me. He's that bald musician.
LORELAI: Yep, that's pretty hip, Dad.
EMILY: When did you have dinner with Moby?
RICHARD: Moby was just there. Jason played me some of his music later. I liked it.
EMILY: We're going to Bastide, but don't fret. Maybe the Beatles will be there and you can sit in and jam with them.
RICHARD: Two of the Beatles are d*ad, Emily.
EMILY: Only one is d*ad.
RICHARD: No, a second Beatle died just recently. Lorelai?
LORELAI: Could you press the "pause" button on this conversation? I really want Rory to hear the rest of it.
EMILY: If we're going to Bastide, you should change your jacket, Richard.
RICHARD: All right.
EMILY: And please shave that moustache, I beg of you.
RICHARD: I want to see what it looks like fully grown, Emily. That was the agreement.
EMILY: Well, it looks like a caterpillar now. In two weeks it'll look like a bigger caterpillar.
RICHARD: Very funny.
EMILY: I'm not trying to be funny.
RICHARD: I will shave it when I shave it. [moves to stairs]
EMILY: [into phone] Yes. Yes, we'll be there. Thank you. [to Richard] Wait! They said they can take us if we can be there in five minutes and order as quickly as possible.
RICHARD: Well it'll take longer than that.
EMILY: Not if we move.
RICHARD: What about my jacket?
EMILY: Doesn't matter. They'll be staring at your moustache.
RICHARD: Emily.
EMILY: Come on. Scoot, scoot. And be thinking about what you want.
LORELAI: Whoa, just one little problem here. Rory?
EMILY: What about her?
LORELAI: She's not here yet.
EMILY: She's not coming.
LORELAI: She's not coming?
EMILY: No, she's been sick all week. I told her to stay in her dorm and rest.
LORELAI: She's been sick?
EMILY: Didn't you know?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I knew.
EMILY: [hurries out the door] I'm having sea bass. Think, think.
RICHARD: Mm-hmm. [He shuts the door behind him.]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai types on a laptop, staring at the screen.]
LORELAI: I knew it. [She dials the phone.]
RORY: Hello?
LORELAI: We have an e-mail relationship.
RORY: Hi.
LORELAI: [gasps] She speaks. She has the ability.
RORY: What's wrong?
LORELAI: Are you okay? Are you sick?
RORY: I'm getting over a cold. You knew that.
LORELAI: No, I didn't, because our once-wonderful relationship -- envy of all the world, more intimate than that of the naked couple in the "love is..." cartoons -- has degenerated into e-mail correspondence.
RORY: I'm sure I wrote that I had a cold.
LORELAI: No, you didn't.
RORY: In all those e-mails, I didn't mention it?
LORELAI: All those e-mails? I'm sorry, but you write less than the people offering to enlarge a piece of anatomy I do not possess.
RORY: I could have sworn I told you.
LORELAI: I just reread every e-mail you sent in the past ten days. No sickness mention, but you did share these gems: "Hey, what up? Is it freezing there, too? Ice." And, "Whew. Pooped." Then you added one of those obnoxious hieroglyphics that I can never read that are supposed to indicate you're laughing or smiling or frowning or vomiting. I don't know what.
RORY: That's a typo. I don't do cutesy symbols.
LORELAI: You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs.
RORY: Well yours aren't much better.
LORELAI: I'm not saying they are.
RORY: I can never get you on the phone.
LORELAI: [gasps] I can never get you!
RORY: You got me now.
LORELAI: Freak of nature. What do you look like. Do you look the same?
RORY: Hold on. My nose ring is itching.
LORELAI: Don't kid. I'm mad and needy, and I ended up going out to dinner alone with my parents, who bickered the whole time about which Beatle is alive and which is d*ad.
RORY: So, where'd they land?
LORELAI: John and Keith are d*ad. Paul and Bingo are still kicking. Play hooky tomorrow.
RORY: From what?
LORELAI: I don't know. Whatever you got. I know you're always busy, but let's do something.
RORY: What about the inn?
LORELAI: They can live without me for a day.
RORY: Tomorrow's actually good.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: There's a newspaper thing, but I can skip that.
LORELAI: Cool! What do we do?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: Mom said the summer clothing lines are out. Want to go shopping? We haven't done that in ages.
RORY: But we're both totally skint.
LORELAI: Huh? We're what?
RORY: We're skint -- broke. It's British.
LORELAI: Oh man, you've learned to speak British. I didn't even know about it.
RORY: You know what I mean.
LORELAI: So we won't buy anything. We'll just window-shop.
RORY: That could be fun.
LORELAI: It'll be like we're in an old movie, y'know? Walking around, window-shopping like Roz Russell and Ava Gardner on Fifth Avenue.
RORY: I'm with you.
LORELAI: Meet me at the inn, 10:00?
RORY: But it's been so long. How will we recognize each other?
LORELAI: We'll wear a rose in our lapels.
RORY: Or dangling from my nose ring.
LORELAI: You're kidding about that, right?
RORY: I'm leaving you in suspense.
LORELAI: Tomorrow at 10:00, Roz darling?
RORY: Till tomorrow, Ava dearest.
CUT TO OUTSIDE ENTRANCE OF DOOSE'S MARKET
[Luke exits with a bag of groceries as Kirk approaches with a mob of leashed dogs.]
KIRK: Look out. Coming through.
LUKE: What's with all the dogs, Kirk?
KIRK: Well, people in town saw how good I was with Lulu's dog that they asked me to watch theirs -- for a fee, of course.
LUKE: What are you looking for?
KIRK: Shh. Come on. [He walks around corner followed by Luke.] It's a game I'm playing with the dogs -- tracker. See, I cut one of them loose, and then the rest of us hide until we get tracked down. At the moment, we're hiding from Snuggles.
LUKE: We are?
KIRK: It helps them hone their tracking skills, and the kids love it.
LUKE: What kids?
KIRK: The babies. The dogs.
LUKE: You ever the one that gets cut loose?
KIRK: I've gone twice. Shh. Snuggles. Cute, but not the smartest tool in the shed. [small shaggy dog crosses the street - pauses and runs straight to Kirk] He found us! Celebrate! Come on, Luke. Celebrate!
LUKE: I'll have a beer tonight.
KIRK: Beer? Oh, no! We don't like beer. Beer is bad. Cookies! [all the dogs leap up onto Kirk] Cookies! Cookies! Cookies! Cookies! Celebrate! Cookies! [Dog barks]
[Luke looks back at Kirk's display in disgust - turns and walks away]
CUT TO CONSTRUCTION SITE OF DRAGONFLY INN
[Rory enters with a rose pinned to her jacket.]
TOM: Hi, Rory.
RORY: Hi, Tom. How's it going?
TOM: Not half bad.
RORY: Then it's half good.
TOM: That makes it sound better than it is.
RORY: Kinda the point.
TOM: What's with the flower?
RORY: It's so my Mom and I will recognize each other.
TOM: Girl thing?
RORY: Yeah.
TOM: I'm not into girl things.
RORY: You're a contractor.
TOM: Yep. Later.
[Rory spies Dean near a stairwell and approaches him. Dean is wearing full construction gear including a hard hat.]
RORY: Oh, excuse me. Can I have your autograph?
DEAN: What?
RORY: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were one of the Village People.
DEAN: Ouch. [grinning]
RORY: I'm kidding. I'm a kidder.
DEAN: What are you doing here?
RORY: I'm meeting my mom here. We're playing hooky.
DEAN: The flower's a private joke for her?
RORY: You know me well.
DEAN: Yeah, I do. -- So, um, you okay and all?
RORY: Yeah. Oh, that. I'm fine now. A little nervous breakdown can really work wonders for a girl. I didn't mean to lay all that on you.
DEAN: That's what shoulders are for.
RORY: Well, you've got a heck of an understanding shoulder.
DEAN: Hey, you want to hammer something?
RORY: Always.
DEAN: Be my guest. [hands her a hammer]
RORY: Really?
DEAN: Yeah, Tom went outside. Do it. Go on. [He holds a piece of wooden stair trim for her.]
RORY: I feel like I should spit or hike up my shorts or something. [She taps the hammer on the trim.]
DEAN: Wow. You're a natural.
RORY: I think I must have been a carpenter in another life, or just someone who really hated nails.
[Lindsay and her mother Theresa enter carrying picnic baskets.]
LINDSAY: Hi, Rory.
RORY: Oh, hi, Lindsay.
DEAN: [approaches and kisses Lindsay] Hi.
LINDSAY: Are we early?
DEAN: No, not at all.
LINDSAY: Mom and I just wanted to get a nice jump on things today.
THERESA: Did Lindsay tell you we found a new dry cleaner?
DEAN: No.
THERESA: Tell him, Lindsay!
LINDSAY: They use less solvent, so it's cleaner. [to Rory] I'm really into the environment.
RORY: Oh, me too.
LINDSAY: So, are you working here?
RORY: No, that was illegal hammering. Completely nonunion. Come the revolution, I shall be sh*t.
THERESA: Let's set up lunch before everything gets cold.
LINDSAY: Okay [They walk to a nearby table.]
RORY: Lunch? This early?
THERESA: Our Deano's up at 5:00.
RORY: Deano?
LINDSAY: Don't worry. Mom made lunch today, so it's safe to eat.
DEAN: Lindsay's mom is teaching her how to cook.
LINDSAY: It's hard. Do you know how?
RORY: If you count radiator quesadillas.
THERESA: I should have started teaching you sooner. Don't make that mistake with your little one.
[Both chuckle]
RORY: [whispers] Are you...? [Dean shakes his head no and joins Lindsay and Theresa.]
[Lorelai enters]
LORELAI: Rory? Rory? Rory? [Gasps as she stops before a large, gruff looking construction worker near Rory. To construction worker] Rory! Rory! Rory!
RORY: [pretends laughter] Ha ha.
LORELAI: [to the construction worker] You're never going to attract a man looking like that.
RORY: Over here, biddy bidster.
LORELAI: Oh, bye. [approaches Rory and hugs her] Hi. Oh, you wore a rose!
RORY: That was the agreement.
LORELAI: Hey, Lindsay. Hey, Theresa.
LINDSAY AND THERESA: Hi.
LORELAI: You ready?
RORY: Let's go.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: Hey, how often does this happen? [subtly indicating in Lindsay and Theresa's direction]
LORELAI: Oh, well, it's a hot lunch every day. Plus they always bring something for the group. Yesterday it was peanut brittle Lindsay made. It broke a crown, three teeth, then a HazMat team came and took it away. [exit]
CUT TO MALL FOOD COURT
[Lorelai and Rory are standing in front of a free-sample-guy eating food on toothpicks.]
LORELAI: They put everything on pretzels nowadays. I love that
RORY: You're our new best friend, Howard.
LORELAI: We don't say that to just anybody.
RORY: Just anybody holding free food.
LORELAI: We'll be back.
RORY: Stock up.
LORELAI: Okay, here we go.
[They both step onto the up-escalator.]
RORY: Where should we start?
LORELAI: Well, we're window-shopping, so let's find a window.
RORY: I see rows and rows of windows.
LORELAI: Hey, let's walk arm in arm like window-shopping ladies do in movies.
RORY: You got it.
LORELAI: I wish I'd brought a xylophone with me. There's always a bouncy xylophone playing when movie girls window-shop. [at top of escalator] So, left or right?
RORY: Let's go right.
LORELAI: Okay.
[They wander past stores with window displays.]
LORELAI: Oh, cool.
RORY: Oh, that would look great on you.
LORELAI: I love blue.
RORY: You should make a mental note to get that when you're back in the cash.
LORELAI: Done.
RORY: Shall we?
LORELAI: Let's shall.
[They both bump into a window corner.]
RORY: Oh, sorry.
LORELAI: One of the risks of linked-arm walking.
CUT TO OUTSIDE ENTRANCE OF KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Lane approaches front door and sees her mother inside. She knocks.]
MRS. KIM: Lane.
LANE: Hello.
MRS. KIM: Come in.
LANE: Thank you.
LANE: Hello, Aunt Jun.
AUNT JUN: Hello.
MRS. KIM: Your Aunt Jun brought your cousin Christine to help with your move. Say hello to Christine.
LANE: Hello, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Hello, Lane.
MRS. KIM: Jun and I will remain down here while you move. You may use whatever boxes you need, plus bubble wrap and tape. Just write down what you take for inventory purposes.
LANE: I will. Thank you.
MRS. KIM: You're welcome.
AUNT JUN: Go with Lane, Christine.
[Christine silently follows Lane up the stairs to her bedroom, which is in disarray. A soon as Lane shuts the door, Christine begins to speak.]
CHRISTINE: [babbles shrilly] I don't believe it! You're moving! What happened? Tell me everything! Was there a fight? Are you getting married? No female Kim has ever moved out without getting married. You're not getting married, right? I love the floorboard thing! It's so "Hogan's Heroes!" I wonder if I can pull up the floorboards at my house. Have you heard of the Libertines? What about the White Stripes? Is it over for them? What about Zeppelin? I'm getting more retro. What's a good Zeppelin?
[Lane ignores Christine and gathers her belongings.]
CHRISTINE: "II," "III"? "III"'s got "Stairway to Heaven," right? Man, it's like a funeral down there. I thought my mom was harsh, but your mom makes the guy from Joy Division look like one of the Teletubbies. Are you taking all of this? Is she going through the boxes before you leave? Where do you buy the CDs with the swear words? Did you buy them in disguise? Did someone buy them for you? Have you ever --
LANE: Hey Kid, do I look green and wrinkly to you? No? That's right. I'm not Yoda. So if you're looking for a mentor, call the Dalai Lama. What I'm here to do is get my stuff and split. Now be quiet and start assembling boxes. And "Stairway to Heaven" is from "Led Zeppelin IV." If you're going to get into classic rock, know it, don't blow it! [ Sighs and resumes packing ]
CUT TO STAIRWELL
[Lane and Christine ddescendthe stairs. Lane carries a large box.]
CHRISTINE: [whispering] Do you have a car? Are you getting a car? Do you have a license? Are Kims allowed to drive? I'm dying to drive.
[Christine is silent again when they enter the room where Mrs. Kim and Jun are sitting.]
LANE: [sighs] I left the inventory list in the room.
MRS. KIM: Very good.
LANE: I guess I'll be going.
MRS. KIM: Yes.
AUNT JUN: Step away from Lane, Christine.
[Lane and Mrs. Kim look at each other silently. Lane sighs and exits. Mrs. Kim sips her tea as the door closes.]
CUT TO MALL
[Lorelai and Rory are still walking along outside the stores. They pause before a large window.]
LORELAI: Oh, that's nice.
RORY: Which?
LORELAI: That. [pointing]
RORY: The skirt and the blouse?
LORELAI: Yeah. More the skirt than the blouse.
RORY: I like them both.
LORELAI: Good colors
RORY: Oh, they have nice-looking jackets.
LORELAI: Where?
RORY: In the back there. [pointing]
LORELAI: Oh, cute. [half-heartedly]
RORY: Mental note.
LORELAI: Absolutely. Next window?
RORY: Sure.
LORELAI: Okay, this sucks.
RORY: Completely.
LORELAI: This is the least amount of fun I've ever had, barring the time we went to Mummenschanz.
RORY: Oh, this is way less fun.
LORELAI: Window-shopping? What was I thinking?
RORY: But it sounds fun. It should be fun.
LORELAI: Not if you think about it. I mean, window-shopping is like going to a museum, but you're actually interested in what you're looking at, and everyone can buy something except for you.
RORY: I've made so many mental notes in my head of things to get that I think my head has actually gotten bigger.
LORELAI: Look at all these haughty people with their bags, just rubbing our faces in it. What were Roz Russell and Ava Gardner thinking?
RORY: What movie did you see them window-shop in?
LORELAI: I don't know that I did. I just picked two old movie-actress names. I don't know that I've seen anyone window-shop in a movie ever.
RORY: So, this whole outing was a house of sand built on a foundation of straw.
LORELAI: Hey, maybe if we went in the store, it would be better.
RORY: Well, it would be way better than just pressing our noses up against the windows.
[They walk inside a store. Moments later they rush out.]
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: Worse!
RORY: Much worse.
LORELAI: Time to pull the plug, hon.
RORY: But what do we do? It's still morning.
LORELAI: We could ride the glass elevator up and down.
RORY: Oh, God, we're sad.
LORELAI: They've got a merry-go-round.
RORY: It costs money.
LORELAI: Right, and we're skint.
RORY: Plus dirty diapers have touched those seats.
LORELAI: Well, let's just go somewhere where things are not for sale. Let's be rid of temptation.
RORY: Sounds good.
CUT TO TOP OF ESCALATOR
[Lorelai and Rory peer downstairs to food court area.]
RORY: Do you see Howard?
LORELAI: I see Howard, and he's got a fresh batch.
[They eagerly step onto the escalator.]
RORY: I'm looking forward to Howard.
[Lorelai spots Emily at the bottom of the nearby up escalator. She's riding toward them.]
LORELAI: Oh, no.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Emily. [hides her face with hand]
RORY: Emily who? [imitates her mother's gesture]
LORELAI: "Emily the Strange" with the black cat and the boots made for kicking. Who do you think?
RORY: Grandma's here? Are you sure?
LORELAI: Very sure.
RORY: Why are we hiding?
LORELAI: Reflex.
RORY: We have to say hello to her.
LORELAI: Why? We're two ships. We're passing.
RORY: If she sees us hiding, we're going to have to explain.
LORELAI: So hide good. [pulls Rory close to hide behind her]
EMILY: Lorelai, Rory!
LORELAI: Mom, hi.
RORY: Hi, Grandma.
EMILY: Meet me up here.
LORELAI: Oh, we're going down.
EMILY: Meet me up here!
LORELAI: Okay. [They both start to walk up the down escalator.]
EMILY: [impatient] Go down, then meet me up here!
LORELAI: Right. Coming. Oh, we stink at hiding. [sighs]
CUT TO TOP OF ESCALATOR
[Lorelai and Rory exit the escalator and approach Emily.]
LORELAI AND RORY: Hi. Hi. Wow [weak chuckle]
EMILY: What are you doing here? I thought you were both swamped with work.
LORELAI: Uh, well, yes, well, Rory got a special, uh --
RORY: The chancellor gave me a --
LORELAI: I actually was able to take --
RORY: -- half a day.
LORELAI: -- a half a day, too. And so we've --
RORY: -- just to spend some time.
LORELAI: We're playing hooky.
EMILY: Well then, just say that. How long have you been here?
LORELAI: Hour and a half.
EMILY: Where are your bags?
RORY: We're just window-shopping.
EMILY: Window-shopping?
LORELAI: Like Roz Russell and Ava Gardner.
EMILY: What's the fun in that?
RORY: There's no fun in that.
LORELAI: We're thinking of suing Roz and Ava's estates.
EMILY: Well, come on.
LORELAI: Oh. Ah. Where?
EMILY: Shopping. Come on. Pip-pip. [starts to walk off]
LORELAI: Mom, we were just leaving.
EMILY: You're not leaving. Now, come on.
LORELAI: I guess we're following my mother.
RORY: She's very aggressive today.
LORELAI: I think the passive part of her personality is playing hooky.
EMILY: [exasperated] Come on!
LORELAI: Coming!
CUT TO LANE'S NEW APARTMENT
[Lane unpacks while Brian sits on the floor. Zach carries boxes inside.]
LANE: Hey, did you guys bring silverware or drinking glasses or anything for the kitchen?
BRIAN: I didn't.
LANE: We've no bowls! We have no cups! [opens a kitchen cabinet and gasps ] But we do have a him.
ZACH: Him? Him who?
BRIAN: There's a him in one of the cupboards?
LANE: An ex-him, to be exact. He's belly-up. He was a big boy, too. A big, fat, belly-up big boy.
[Zach drops a box on top of a pile.]
BRIAN: Hey, watch it. That's my stereo!
ZACH: We didn't need your stereo, Brian. We've got my stereo.
LANE: We've got three stereos and no forks. [exits to another room]
BRIAN: We're kind of lacking in shelf space.
ZACH: Well, maybe you should skip displaying your Futurama action figures. That might open space up a bit.
LANE: [returns in a panic] There are no curtains on the windows! People can see right in.
BRIAN: What if we're naked?
ZACH: Please, never be naked.
BRIAN: I try not to be.
LANE: And how can there be no refrigerator?
BRIAN: There's no refrigerator?
LANE: I just assumed there'd be one!
ZACH: Great, so it's back to the Middle Ages for us. Let's start storing meat in stocks of salt.
LANE: Is that someone looking in? [exits again]
[Brian plugs something into the light socket.]
ZACH: What's that?
BRIAN: It's a night light.
ZACH: Dude, when the Sex p*stol roomed together, no way did they have a night light.
BRIAN: You don't know that.
ZACH: I read Johnny Rotten's book. There's no mention of a night light.
LANE: [returns to room] Towels! I don't have towels. [holds up a pitiful washcloth] I've got this. This is not gonna work.
ZACH: Hey, when you said you had a bed for me, you didn't say it would be bunk beds.
BRIAN: But they're cool. The bottom one's like a fort.
ZACH: We're not playing fort.
LANE: We've got to start a list. Anyone have paper or a pen or money?
ZACH: Dude, look, this is my side of the shelf. Your stuff's encroaching.
BRIAN: It's not encroaching.
ZACH: Bender and Leela are on my side. Put them back on your side.
BRIAN: That's not Bender. That's Nibbler. Bender's a robot.
ZACH: Are you remotely aware that you're not twelve?
BRIAN: They're on my side!
ZACH: They're on my side, dude. Move them.
LANE: Guys, stop! Look down. There's a whole empty shelf for you to use, so you can stop bickering.
BRIAN: But we put that aside for you.
LANE: What?
ZACH: For your CDs and stuff. You need a shelf, Lane.
[After a short pause Lane hugs them both.]
BRIAN: Jeez. You smeared my glasses.
LANE: [grateful tears] This is gonna work, one step at a time.
ZACH: Listen, we set aside a shelf for you in the john, too. You don't need to hug us for that.
CUT TO MALL DEPARTMENT STORE
[Lorelai and Rory rush to keep pace with Emily.]
LORELAI: [sighs] Uh, Mom, where the f*re?
EMILY: We have a lot to get through.
[A sales girl approaches them.]
SALES GIRL: Mrs. Gilmore, did I know you were coming?
EMILY: Not unless you're clairvoyant.
SALES GIRL: What are we looking for today?
EMILY: What are we not looking for? This is my daughter, Lorelai, and my granddaughter, Rory.
SALES GIRL: Nice to meet you.
LORELAI: Same here.
RORY: Hi.
EMILY: What's new? I want a full report.
SALES GIRL: We have a china set that just arrived still in its crate that screams "Emily Gilmore."
EMILY: Hand-painted?
SALES GIRL: Designed in 1870 for the Shah of Persia -- the finest. Would you like to see it?
EMILY: No need. Give me a set of twelve. Plus soup tureens, sauce boats, the works. What else?
SALES GIRL: Doreen. [calling out to approaching woman who joins them keeping brisk pace]
EMILY: That's gorgeous. [glancing at a glass ornament]
SALES GIRL: From Giorgio Baldi's studio in Venice. They only made eighteen.
EMILY: Wrap them up.
SALES GIRL: Right away. [exits]
[Emily stops short in the aisle. Lorelai slams into her back.]
EMILY: Lorelai!
LORELAI: Your brake lights were out.
EMILY: You! [calling out to salesman] You've got Richard Gilmore's sizes on file. Pull the latest Brionis in an assortment of colors and charge them to our account.
SALESMAN: Yes, ma'am.
RORY: [to Lorelai] What are Brionis?
LORELAI: Six months of my car payments, plus a car.
EMILY: Include accessories and three pairs of loafers -- Italian. They should feel like butter. Make it four. Hell, make it six.
SALESMAN: Yes, ma'am.
EMILY: And jewelry. Add an assortment of jewelry appropriate for a man with a moustache. What would that be? Bracelets, pinkie rings?
SALESMAN: Well…
EMILY: And a moustache comb -- the most expensive one you've got.
SSALESMAN I will look. Excuse me. [rushes off]
LORELAI: Uh, Mom - [hurrying to keep pace]
EMILY: Keep up.
LORELAI: Does Dad even want any of this stuff?
EMILY: He doesn't know what he wants, Lorelai, so I choose what he wants.
LORELAI: Excuse me. [stopping in front of display]
SECOND SALESMAN: Yes?
EMILY: I want this.
SECOND SALESMAN: I'm sorry, ma'am, that is just a display. It's not for sale.
EMILY: Everything's for sale.
SECOND SALESMAN: I will take care of it. [exits]
LORELAI: Mom, Dad does not need another globe.
EMILY: Then Rory can have it. She can use a globe. [keeps walking]
RORY: It doesn't even have the right countries on it.
LORELAI: C'mon.
RORY: Or California.
[They walk through the store to the women's accessories department.]
EMILY: Start picking!
LORELAI: Start picking what?
EMILY: Everything, anything!
LORELAI: Mom, we don't have any money.
EMILY: It's on your father.
RORY: But, Grandma --
EMILY: [beckons nearby salesgirl] Some help, please.[snaps fingers] You like hats?
RORY: Uh, kind of.
[A third Sales girl approaches.]
EMILY: That one. Put it on her.
LORELAI: Ooh. [giggles]
EMILY: I like it. These scarves all match, and of course you'll need gloves. We'll take them all. [walks on]
LORELAI: Hey, see those marbles rolling on the floor? They're Mom's. They spilled out of her head.
RORY: I do like the chapeau.
LORELAI: Do not get sucked in! This is craziness!
RORY: It's just a hat.
LORELAI: It's a symbol.
RORY: We don't know what it's symbolizing. Resist.
EMILY: Lorelai!
LORELAI: Ugh.
[Lorelai joins Emily at the fine jewelry counter.]
EMILY: You need a watch.
LORELAI: I don't wear a watch.
EMILY: Do you have a watch?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Then you need a watch. [to saleswoman] These don't have diamonds. Which ones have diamonds?
WOMAN: Next display.
LORELAI: Mom, I'm not buying a diamond watch.
EMILY: You just have to take it.
LORELAI: I'm not taking it.
EMILY: I'm buying you a damn watch! [glances in the glass display case and points] That one. Wrap it up.
LORELAI: [to saleswoman] Can I return the damn watch if I don't want it?
WOMAN: Yes, ma'am.
LORELAI: Thank you. [She glances at Rory in the distance - being fussed over.]
CUT TO OTHER PART OF STORE
[Lorelai and Rory trail behind Emily.]
LORELAI: Are you keeping track?
RORY: I lost count.
LORELAI: She bought me four cocktail dresses, two evening gowns, and if I'm not mistaken, eight maids a-milking.
RORY: By the way, she bought you a wedding dress when you weren't looking. Vera Wang.
LORELAI: Why didn't you stop her?
RORY: Well how do you stop a top from spinning around?
LORELAI: This is too much.
EMILY: Girls, come on. Keep up.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Stop dawdling and start picking some shoes.
LORELAI: Mom --
EMILY: These Manolo Blahniks would look great on you.
[Lorelai's expression changes to interest]
LORELAI: [imitating Gollum] Oh, me wants them, my precious.
RORY: You told me to resist.
LORELAI: Yeah, but that's before I saw these. These are works of art. They should be in the Louvre.
CUT TO EMILY AND SALES GIRL
SALES GIRL: Mrs Gilmore, I'm sorry. We only four of the Venetian apples in. If you want the rest, we can have them shipped.
EMILY: Well, give me the four today and ship the rest overnight whatever the cost.
SALES GIRL: Yes, ma'am.
LORELAI: Mom, a quick word.
EMILY: Where are your shoes?
LORELAI: Wait. What is the rush on the funny glass apples?
EMILY: They're not funny, and I want them. That's the rush.
LORELAI: Yes, but you've already put quite a dent in your credit card for things you don't seem to need.
EMILY: So?
LORELAI: So it's crazy.
EMILY: Crazy? You think this is crazy? [voice gets louder]
LORELAI: Okay, Mom --
EMILY This isn't crazy!
LORELAI: I didn't mean to --
EMILY: That stupid moustache is crazy! That's what's crazy! Your father's job is crazy! That's what's crazy! He was supposed to be slowing down, and now he's club-hopping with Jason and hanging out with Moby and having secret lunches with women and lying about it!
LORELAI: Mom, Calm down.
EMILY: Why should I calm down? Are you on his side? Do you like that moustache?
LORELAI: I'm not taking sides.
EMILY: I should go to bars! I should hang out with Moby! He'd hate that.
LORELAI: Mom, I'm just suggesting that you slow down on the shopping. This doesn't have to be a whole big thing.
EMILY: Why do I need to slow down? This is what I do, according to Richard. And he's not slowing down. He's got a whole new life. He's got Pennilyn Lott, he's got Digger, he's got a moustache! He's got all that and what do I have? Maybe I should get a job so I can have my own life. I could sell shoes here just as well Eduardo. I should get an application. [Calls out loudly] Get me an application! Go, go!
LORELAI: Mom --
EMILY: I hate that moustache, and he refuses to shave it!
LORELAI: Mom, let's take a break.
EMILY: I don't want to take a break!
LORELAI: Well, we do, and my feet are k*lling me.
EMILY: Well, then get some new shoes!
LORELAI: Come on.
CUT TO MALL FOOD COURT
EMILY: Where are we going?
LORELAI: Right around the corner here.
EMILY: We really should have taken our bags.
LORELAI: They said they'd hold them.
EMILY: I'm totally turned around. Where are we?
RORY: You'll smell in a second.
EMILY: [gasps] What is this?
RORY: It's the food court.
EMILY: How long has this been here?
LORELAI: You've never been to the food court, Mom?
EMILY: No.
RORY: Where do you eat when you shop?
EMILY: I leave and go to a restaurant.
LORELAI: With this Valhalla of international cuisine so close?
EMILY: But it's cafeteria-style.
RORY: That's the fun.
LORELAI: Here. Best table in the house.
EMILY: It's plastic.
RORY: Plastic is a vital part of our bright tomorrow.
LORELAI: Soon we'll all be living in plastic houses.
RORY: On the moon.
EMILY: What are you talking about?
RORY: We're pulling your leg, Grandma.
EMILY: Well don't do that.
LORELAI: So what are you in the mood for?
EMILY: I don't know.
RORY: I want Mexican.
LORELAI: I kind of feel like Moroccan and Chinese.
RORY: So smorgasbord.
LORELAI: Yeah. Come on.
EMILY: Wait. Here. [tries to hand Lorelai a credit card]
LORELAI: Oh, no, Mom. Moe's Moroccan Palace does not take credit cards.
EMILY: You're kidding.
LORELAI: It's on us. [to Rory] Keep an eye on her. Make sure she doesn't wander off.
CUT TO MINUTES LATER IN FOOD COURT
[Lorelai and Rory approach the table, each carrying a food tray. A mall employee trails behind them with more trays.]
LORELAI: [cell phone to her ear] The ad cannot run with the color composition the way it is. The drawing of the inn looks purple. [pause] Yes, I know, but I'm not paying for it looking like that. I do understand. It looks awful. [pause] Fine. Have him call me. I would love to sort it out. Okay? Thank you. Bye. [hangs up] Sorry.
[They join Emily sitting at the table.]
EMILY: What is all this?
RORY: It's lunch. Thanks, Lou. [he exits]
LORELAI: I got a little something from everywhere.
EMILY: I wouldn't know where to begin.
LORELAI: Well, start at the top and stop when you h*t table.
EMILY: I had no idea so many different kinds of foods came on sticks.
RORY: Well, some come on sticks, like the hot dogs and the fried cheese dipped in batter, but others are technically kabobs.
EMILY: What's in the cups?
LORELAI: Well, you got your soda, your iced tea, root beer, lemonade.
EMILY: I'll try this.
LORELAI: Ah, Orange Julius.
RORY: A classic.
EMILY: Oh, my. That's very good. Your father and I know a man who owns a couple dozen of these stands as part of his holdings. Now I can sincerely tell him I like his product.
LORELAI: Excellent.
RORY: Oh, we forgot napkins. [stands up]
LORELAI: Get some more little pepper thingies, please. So dig in, Mom. You've got sweet-and-sour pork and pizza and some wrapped thingy. I already forgot what it is, but it's probably not healthy.
EMILY: Okay.
LORELAI: Oh, and there's ice cream, too. We can get some after if you want.
EMILY: All right. So how loud was I back there?
LORELAI: Well, uh, you were heard.
EMILY: If I had seen somebody act that way in a store, I would have called security.
LORELAI: It's really okay, Mom. It wasn't that loud. It's totally forgotten. [Her cell phone rings and Lorelai snatches up impatiently.] Oh! Do not disturb. I'm eating. [hangs up]
EMILY: What was that phone call you got before, when you were coming over with the trays?
LORELAI: Oh, it's this ad we're doing for the inn. The drawing of the inn came out purple, like eggplant, like Prince chose the color. It was bad.
EMILY: Sounds awful.
LORELAI: It was their screw-up. Just one of the many joyous things I get to deal with on a daily basis.
EMILY: You were very forceful.
LORELAI: Was I?
EMILY: Very in command. I like how you handled it.
LORELAI: Well, I learned from the best.
EMILY: From whom?
LORELAI: From the lady eating her hamburger with a Kn*fe and fork. That's whom.
EMILY: Oh, please. I order maids and salespeople around. That's different. I've never done anything.
LORELAI: Mom, come on. That's not true.
EMILY: Richard's right. I buy things. Things I don't even want. It's all I have.
LORELAI: No, Mom, you have friends and family who love being with you. A-and you have a house you love. You have a whole life. You could have a dog if you want. There's a swell pet store here. You're losing perspective, Mom. You're not seeing clearly.
EMILY: If he would just shave that moustache.
LORELAI: And that's all it would take? Shaving his moustache? Mom, you need to talk to him.
EMILY: He's always so distracted.
LORELAI: No. Make him talk. You need it. And make it a real talk without bickering, without snipping, without mentioning Moby. Really clear the air.
[Rory approaches and sits]
RORY: I got pepper, I got napkins, I got Lou's phone number. He asked me to give it to you.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm privileged.
RORY: What'd I miss?
EMILY: I was just admiring your mother's life.
RORY: Oh, I do that daily.
[They all smile thoughtfully and eat in silence.]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK AT NIGHT
[Luke walks down the sidewalk, pausing to watch Kirk taping signs to light posts.]
KIRK:[gasps] Oh, God! Oh, God!
[Luke enters Joe's Game Gallery]
LUKE: Hey, Joe.
JOE: Hey, Luke.
LUKE: Can I get twenty singles off you?
JOE: Sure. It's gonna cost you $25. [ Chuckles - Luke doesn't react] It's change humor.
LUKE: I know. You do it every time.
JOE: I'll get them for you. [he exits]
LUKE: Thanks. [approaches Dean at video game]
DEAN: Hey, Luke.
LUKE: Hi, Dean.
DEAN: Wait. Hold on. [after a moment game ends] Aw.
LUKE: No, you did good.
JOE: Short of your record, though, Dean.
DEAN: Yeah, I'll get there.
JOE: He's the reigning champ of every game in here.
LUKE: Wow!
DEAN: I'm not here that much. I just come after dinner sometimes, y'know. Lindsay and her mom kind of like me out of the way when they're cleaning up.
LUKE: They kick you out, huh?
DEAN: I just slip out. They don't really notice.
LUKE: So how's married life treating you?
DEAN: Good. Real good. Lindsay's great.
LUKE: Yeah, she seems great.
DEAN: And her parents are fantastic. I mean, they help out so much.
LUKE: Like with the cleaning up.
DEAN: Her dad's over all the time, fixing things. Lindsay's got this list for him to do.
LUKE: Great.
DEAN: They're the most unselfish people I know.
LUKE: I've seen them around. The dad works for the county, doesn't he? He's a surveyor or something?
DEAN: Yeah. Oh. He, uh, he used to. But I think now he... [Dean becomes distracted when he notices Rory and Lorelai outside the window.] I think he's, um...actually, he manages an apartment, so he oversees the guys, and he's not really, um...
[Luke looks over his shoulder to see why Dean is distracted.]
LUKE: Not surveying much.
DEAN: Yeah, he's not in the field much.
LUKE: Okay, well, I'll let you get back to your game.
DEAN: Yeah. Hey, uh, see you later, man.
[Joe approaches and hands Luke the singles.]
LUKE: Thanks. [exits]
[Dean sighs.]
CUT TO INTERIOR OF LUKE'S DINER
[Luke enters and sees Lorelai and Rory sitting at a table with loads of merchandise strewn atop.]
Luke: [sighs] What are you doing?
LORELAI: Taking inventory.
RORY: We should return it all.
LORELAI: Mom's gonna expect to see us with something she bought us. We have to keep something.
RORY: Seven hundred dollar yoga bag?
LUKE: Get out of here.
LORELAI: Oh, yes, my friend, rich people like their sweaty mats to have expensive homes.
RORY: We could each keep a little clutch purse.
LORELAI: What's that tubey one for?
RORY: Lifesavers.
LORELAI: The candy?
RORY: Yep.
LUKE: Get out of here.
RORY: Turquoise leather jacket?
LORELAI: Hm, pass. Hair clips with diamond Betty Boops?
RORY: Pass. Tropical-print embroidered bikini?
LORELAI: Not me. [holds it up to show Luke] Luke?
LUKE: This is sick.
LORELAI: This I'll take. [holds up florescent totebag]
RORY: Oh, no. I have dibs on that.
LORELAI: In your mind.
RORY: I said it in the store.
LORELAI: Yeah and I said it, too. And I clutched it. It still has my clutch marks.
RORY: You do realize that the one thing we're fighting over is the free tote bag that came with our purchase.
LORELAI: It's a nice totebag
LUKE: I'm upset just watching this.
LORELAI: This is your window on a whole other world, Luke. The world of worthless rich-people stuff. People of means see what they want and simply take it, regardless of others.
LUKE: You pour your own coffee?
LORELAI: Oh, err, yeah.
LUKE: You're not supposed to do that.
LORELAI: Oh yeah [sheepish] sorry, I won't do it again. [takes a gulp]
LUKE: Um-hm.
[A dog yelps outside. They look out the window and see Kirk taping up signs. Then Kirk enters the diner, carrying a small shaggy dog.]
KIRK: Does anyone know who this is?
LORELAI: No.
LUKE: Yeah, it's Snuggles.
LORELAI: You know Snuggles?
KIRK: It's not Snuggles. It's the dog that looks like Snuggles. Snuggles' owner picked him up. No one picked this guy up and he has no tag.
LUKE: You have a dog left over.
LORELAI: You knew Snuggles by name?
KIRK: I don't have time for chitchat here, people!
LUKE: I have no idea whose dog it is.
LORELAI: Me either.
RORY: Sorry.
KIRK: I don't even know his name. I was using random sounds, trying to see if he'd respond. Paku. Gnocchi. Nini. Bleeblo. Nothing.
LUKE: Sorry. [walks off]
KIRK: I've got to put up more flyers. Sunna. Lipdoo. Funo. [exits]
LORELAI: [sighs] Thank God. I'm so tired.
RORY: Me too, and I have to get back to Yale.
LORELAI: I had a great time today.
RORY: So did I.
LORELAI: Okay, good. We should make this a regular part of our weekly schedule?
RORY: Sounds good.
LORELAI: So next Tuesday?
RORY: Tuesday's good. Oh, sh**t. I can't. Wednesday?
LORELAI: Uh, sure. I'll have to cancel plans with Jason.
RORY: Don't cancel plans with Jason. Dumb me, I've got class that night anyway.
LORELAI: All right. Skip ahead a week.
RORY: I hate that we have to schedule time like this.
LORELAI: But if we don't, we don't see each other, right?
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: So what about the weekend?
RORY: I'll be at Friday night dinner at Grandma's.
LORELAI: Great. I won't. Not this one. Darn.
RORY: Uh-huh.
LORELAI: Yeah. Hey, you want pie?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: 'Cause I'm getting my second wind. [walks to counter]
RORY: Me too. Let's have pie.
LORELAI: [calls out] Hey, Luke, we're having pie. [She removes the pie's glass cover and starts removing slices.]
LUKE: [calls from the kitchen] Okay, just wait for me to serve it.
LORELAI: Okay. [She continues removing a second slice onto napkins.]
RORY: Should we be worried about Grandma?
LORELAI: Oh, I think she'll be okay.
[Lorelai returns to the table with pie.]
RORY: Was anything resolved? Are she and Grandpa gonna be all right?
LORELAI: Don't worry about it. They're a team. They'll be okay.
RORY: Good. I like them. [begins eating with fingers]
LORELAI: I know. [takes a bite]
[Luke brings plates and forks transfers napkins to plates]
RORY: Thanks
[Lorelai pulls out her rosebud and hands it to Luke. While they resume eating, Luke walks away sniffing the rose.]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE DINING ROOM
[Richard and Emily are eating together in their usual places at opposite ends of the table. The room is silent with the exception of a big clock ticking in the background.]
RICHARD: Did you deal with that business with the gardeners?
EMILY: Not yet.
RICHARD: Hmm. We need to resolve that. Those vines are out of control.
EMILY: I'll see to it.
RICHARD: Be nice to have that finished by the time I get back.
EMILY: Get back? From where?
RICHARD: Jason and I are meeting some clients in Manhattan. It's some new place downtown -- Tribeca, I think. It's really an up-and-coming area. I'll probably stay in the city, take the train in the morning. Is that all right with you?
EMILY: That's fine. [long pause] What do you think of these? [indicates table arrangements]
RICHARD: Hmm?
EMILY: The apples.
RICHARD: Oh. I've always liked those.
[After a long pause Emily resumes eating.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x15 - Scene in a Mall"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Jane Espenson
directed by Marita Grabiak
transcript by Andreea and Jenna with assistance by Canopus
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The four Gilmores are seated at the table. The maid serves dinner.]
LORELAI: Don't tell me this is what it looks like.
EMILY: It's escargot.
LORELAI: Ugh. That's what it looks like.
RORY: Snails?
EMILY: Escargot.
LORELAI: Slimy thing by any other name...
RICHARD: They taste like garlic and butter.
LORELAI: Don't say "they." Food should not have pronouns.
RICHARD: Give it a try.
LORELAI: But if I do and we're having road k*ll for the main course, then I will already have used up my allotment of gross-out food for the day, so I'll abstain.
RICHARD: I guess we should strike escargot off the list of Friday night dinner foods.
EMILY: Sweetie loved escargot. That's funny how we remember those things.
RICHARD: Hm.
LORELAI: Sweetie?
RORY: Sweetie who?
EMILY: Sweetie Nelson, one of my oldest friends. She passed away yesterday.
RORY: Oh, I'm sorry, Grandma.
LORELAI: Yeah, I've heard you mention her.
RORY: Was she sick?
EMILY: She'd been ill for some time, but still...
RICHARD: The family is pretty overwhelmed.
EMILY: By the way, Davis called late today. The funeral is going to be Sunday.
LORELAI: Was that her real name -- Sweetie?
EMILY: No, her name was Melinda. Sweetie was a nickname.
LORELAI: Why?
EMILY: What do you mean, why?
LORELAI: I mean, how did they get Sweetie from Melinda?
EMILY: They didn't get Sweetie from Melinda. Sweetie is a nickname.
LORELAI: Yes, I know Sweetie was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.
EMILY: She was sweet. That's the story.
LORELAI: Okay.
EMILY: She had a very sweet nature.
LORELAI: Hm.
EMILY: Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?
LORELAI: No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her Sweetie. It's a good story.
EMILY: No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?
LORELAI: Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's --
EMILY: All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man -- so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name Sweetie. There, how was that?
LORELAI: Now, that was a pretty good story.
RICHARD: I'm sorry, Emily, did you say the funeral is Sunday?
EMILY: Yes. Is that a problem?
RICHARD: Well, Mr. Hamoto is in town, and Jason has set up golf for him, and then there's lunch after that. What time is the service?
EMILY: Noon.
RICHARD: Oh, noon. That's cutting it very close. How important is it for me to be at the funeral?
EMILY: Not important at all.
RICHARD: Well, fine, then. Be sure to give them my condolences.
EMILY: Of course. Eat your food.
LORELAI: [Gasps] I think one of them is still alive.
EMILY: Lorelai!
LORELAI: No, seriously. He was over near the radish like five minutes ago.
[Opening Credits]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lane is serving customers.]
KIRK: This doesn't smell right.
LANE: Smells fine, Kirk.
KIRK: I think the eggs were bad.
LANE: The eggs are fine, Kirk.
KIRK: Were they cooked in the fish pan? They smell like they were cooked in the fish pan.
LANE: No, the eggs were not cooked in the fish pan. They were cooked in the egg pan.
KIRK: Was the fish pan sitting next to the egg pan? Because perhaps -
[Lorelai walks in the door.]
LORELAI: I need something with cheese!
KIRK: Lorelai, smell my eggs.
LORELAI: Not today, Kirk. Hey, where's Luke? I want him to make that breakfast quesadilla thing he made yesterday.
LANE: Luke's not here.
LORELAI: Where is he? He knows the exact right jack-to-cheddar ratio.
KIRK: He's out there. [Kirk points out the window.]
LORELAI: Where?
KIRK: Over there with Nicole.
LORELAI: Oh, looks like a serious talk.
KIRK: And there have been zero light moments.
LORELAI: I wish I knew what they were talking about.
KIRK: Oh, I can tell you what they're saying.
LORELAI: How?
KIRK: I read lips. My girlfriend taught me. It's so we can have quiet time and keep the conversation going at the same time. Okay, she just said, "Hardwood sponge is the authority of the hostile biographer." And then he responded, "Just phone cords to original samovars."
LORELAI: Kirk, that doesn't make any sense.
KIRK: Must mean they're on to us and they've switched to some sort of code.
LORELAI: I don't think they're speaking in code.
KIRK: Oh, I think Luke's heading back. He just got up and said, "Feel your taters."
LORELAI: Is it possible he said, "I'll see you later?"
KIRK: No, I'm pretty sure about this one.
LANE: Kirk, I'm so sorry, we accidentally made the eggs in the fish pan. Here's new eggs.
KIRK: I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy.
CUT TO YALE NEWSROOM
RORY: You've got to be kidding.
DOYLE: I certainly am not kidding. This is serious.
RORY: It's not plagiarism.
DOYLE: Hey! Do you also like to shout "f*re" in a crowded theater? This is a newsroom. Do not use the "p" word.
RORY: Every single word in my piece was written by me.
DOYLE: Was it? Look at this. "Small band of followers." "Rain-soaked highway." I've seen both of those before.
RORY: Of course you've seen them before. Those are phrases used to talk about a small band of followers or, you know, a rain-soaked highway. They're not even clichés like "shouting f*re in a crowded theater."
DOYLE: I'm sorry, can you say "Stephen Glass?" The entire climate of journalistic ethics is under a microscope right now. We can't afford anything that looks shady. I'd rather not have Tobey Maguire playing me in a movie about the Yale Daily News scandal, thank you very much.
RORY: I get that, but I don't think my "rain-soaked highway" looks shady.
DOYLE: [Scoffs] Typical. It's your attitude.
RORY: What attitude?
DOYLE: Look around this room. People writing their anthro papers on our computers, people Xeroxing their phone bills on our copy machines. No one's running, no one's sweating. Every single person in this room looks extremely well-rested. No one spell-checks. No one fact-checks. This is the breeding ground for the next Jayson Blair! Fix it. And tidy up your desk!
[Doyle stomps away.]
GLENN: And my month is up.
RORY: What?
GLENN: You're the new dog to kick around here. I feel bad, 'cause you tend to be a pretty decent person, but my nose has been whacked with a newspaper so many times this month, it almost makes me miss my mother.
RORY: Doyle's just in a bad mood, that's all.
DOYLE: "Herd mentality?" Are you freaking kidding me?!
GLENN: Welcome to the dollhouse.
CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Sookie are sitting at the table going over paperwork. Michel is seated on the floor in front of the TV.]
LORELAI: Michel, come on, we've got to get into these budgets.
SOOKIE: Now.
MICHEL: Does the red light mean it's programmed?
SOOKIE: I explained it a hundred times.
LORELAI: Michel, you've been setting that machine for 20 minutes now.
SOOKIE: The man can't live without his dog show.
MICHEL: Ugh. I could just k*ll my cable provider. "No Westminster dog show, but please enjoy Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle 24 hours a day." Ah, there, it's recording.
LORELAI: Well, get over here.
MICHEL: I just want to see the Chows. [Laughs] Look at that one strut. [Baby talk to the TV.] You know you're a pretty girl, don't you? Yes, with those "I need some loving" eyes.
SOOKIE: Is he doing tricks?
LORELAI: It sounds like they're turning them. [Lorelai's cell phone rings.] Hello.
EMILY: Lorelai, it's me. Do you have a moment?
LORELAI: Uh, sure.
EMILY: Your grandmother. She's gone.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Last night. She apparently had a heart att*ck. The maid found her in the morning.
LORELAI: But I didn't even know her heart was a thing. Was her heart a thing? Did we know that?
EMILY: No, it was quite unexpected. There wasn't any warning at all.
LORELAI: But we just - we just saw her.
EMILY: I know. It's a complete shock.
LORELAI: Ohh. I -- how is Dad?
EMILY: He's completely fallen apart. From the moment he heard the news, he's been almost incoherent.
LORELAI: Oh, no.
EMILY: He's in his office now with the Scotch, and he wants turtleneck soup -- asks for it over and over.
LORELAI: What's turtleneck soup?
EMILY: Apparently something his mother used to have made for him when he was a little boy, and now he wants some, and I can't seem to find anybody who has any idea what it is.
MICHEL: All right, the pugs are up next. They're ugly. Let's do this.
LORELAI: [Whispers to Michel] My grandmother.
SOOKIE: [Whispers] Heart att*ck -- grandmother.
MICHEL: [Whispers] What?
LORELAI: d*ad grandmother, Michel. Mom, have you looked on the internet?
EMILY: For what?
LORELAI: For turtleneck soup. You could Google it.
EMILY: Can I? Can I Google it?
LORELAI: Okay, never mind. Sookie, do you have any idea what turtleneck soup could be?
EMILY: You mean mock turtle soup?
LORELAI: Mom, do you think he means "mock turtle soup?"
EMILY: Maybe that's what he said. Is there such a thing?
LORELAI: I think so. [to Sookie] Can you make mock turtle soup?
SOOKIE: I never tried, but I think I have a recipe for it somewhere here.
LORELAI: So, Mom, Sookie's tracking down the soup. What else can I do?
EMILY: Nothing. If you can find the soup, that'll be enough. You'll tell Rory?
LORELAI: Yeah, I'll tell Rory.
EMILY: All right, I have to go. Your grandmother left very specific instructions on exactly how she wants her funeral to be, so I have a hundred things to do.
LORELAI: I'll be there with the soup as soon as I can, Mom.
EMILY: All right, bye.
LORELAI: Bye. [Hangs up] I'm gonna have to go.
SOOKIE: No problem. One huge vat of mock turtle soup coming up.
MICHELL: Do you need a hug?
LORELAI: Thanks, I'm okay. I have to call Rory. You'll call me when the soup's ready?
SOOKIE: I'm on it.
LORELAI: Have to go. Michel, you'll take care of the papers and the landscaping plans?
MICHEL: Yes, I will. Go, go.
LORELAI: Okay. Purse, coat, keys. I'm gone. Michel?
MICHEL: Yes?
LORELAI: [Sighs] I think I'll take that hug now. [They hug then step back.] A little weird, huh?
MICHEL: Yeah, extremely.
LORELAI: Heart in the right place, but never again?
MICHEL: Thank God.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Emily is on the phone.]
EMILY: Yes, I understand the reverend's retired. You said that four times. But my mother-in-law specifically requested him for the service, and… [The doorbell rings.] Well, isn't there any forwarding information?
[Emily opens the door for Lorelai.]
LORELAI: I got the soup.
EMILY: Well, I will hold while you look. [to Lorelai] Thank God. He's in his study. Take that into him and see if you can get him to eat. [to person on the phone] Yes, I'm still here. Miraculous, isn't it? A phone number! How…
[Lorelai goes into Richard's study. He's lying on the leather couch with a drink in his hand.]
LORELAI: Hey, dad.
RICHARD: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Yeah, uh...I have something for you. Mock turtle soup.
RICHARD: Mock turtle soup?
LORELAI: Yeah. Sookie made it.
RICHARD: Mock turtle soup. [ Chuckling ] Mock turtle soup. [ Voice breaking ] Mock turtle soup. [ Crying ] Mock turtle soup.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, soup's gone. No soup here. Who mentioned soup? This is definitely a no-soup zone. Uh, the music's nice.
RICHARD: Oh, she loved Kay Kyser. She wasn't really a musical woman. Music was a little frivolous for her. But Kay Kyser.
LORELAI: Yeah. Well, she's great.
RICHARD: Kay Kyser's a man.
LORELAI: Oh, well, his parents had an ugly sense of humor then. [Richard sobs.] Oh, boy.
RICHARD: She was a saint -- the woman was a saint.
LORELAI: Here, Dad.
RICHARD: I learned everything from that woman. "Life is a battle, and you either enter it armed or you surrender immediately." That is what she told me...on my 10th birthday. I never forgot that. No, no one...was as strong as that woman. That wonderful woman...that saint of a woman.
LORELAI: Oh, Dad.
RICHARD: Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. I -- I just have to deal with this... [Sighs] regret.
LORELAI: What regret? Dad, you and Gran were so close.
RICHARD: The last words we exchanged, we exchanged in anger.
LORELAI: Oh, but, dad, that's -
RICHARD: I lost my temper and I was disrespectful. And that's the way -- that's the way it ended. With an argument and hateful words.
LORELAI: Dad, you know, that was one little fight. I mean, one little fight between you and Gran doesn't wipe away years of -
RICHARD: That woman raised me and she taught me. And she took care of the family even after Father died. And I spoke her as if I owed her nothing, as if she was like anyone else in the world and not the saint of a woman that she was.
LORELAI: Oh, Dad.
RICHARD: You only have one set of parents, Lorelai. Remember that. I forgot and now I have to live with that for the rest of my life. [ Sighs ] You mentioned soup.
LORELAI: What?
RICHARD: When you came in.
LORELAI: Yes, soup. I have soup. Um, Mom mentioned that you were talking about mock turtle soup and you really should eat something, Dad.
RICHARD: I need a spoon.
LORELAI: Oh, my Go-- yes, I'll get you a spoon. I'll get you -- you just sit right there. I'll be right back with your spoon.
[Lorelai goes back out to the living room where Emily is on the phone.]
EMILY: [talking on the phone] But it used to be Martelli's Florist, yes? Okay, do you have any idea where Martelli's moved to? Oh, well, before he died, did Mr. Martelli pass his trade on to any of the other Martellis? Yes, I'll hold. [to Lorelai] How is he doing?
LORELAI: He needs a spoon.
EMILY: He's going to eat?
LORELAI: He's going to eat.
EMILY: Thank God. Take an apple. See if you can get him to eat an apple. [into the phone] I'm here. Yes, I will take the simple stepson's number. Thank you. I will speak slowly. Thank you. [hangs up] Not that one. And take some bread, too.
LORELAI: How are the arrangements coming?
EMILY: Well, she made them twenty years ago, so the reverend is retired, the florist has moved, and two of the pallbearers are no longer with us. Luckily, they both had sons who look remarkably like them, so I think we can get away with it.
LORELAI: All right, I'm gonna bring this stuff to Dad.
EMILY: I'm going to call the florist's idiot stepson.
RICHARD: Emily? Emily!
EMILY: I'm right here, Richard. What's wrong?
RICHARD: This is outrageous! They've completely ruined it!
EMILY: Who ruined what?
RICHARD: Trix's obituary. The Courant just faxed it through. It's disgraceful! I'll sue them!
EMILY: Just calm down.
LORELAI: [taking the paper and reading] "Lorelai Gilmore died this week at age 86. A member of the prominent Gilmore family and widow of Charles Abbott Gilmore, she is survived by a son, Richard Gilmore, and numerous other family members and devoted friends."
EMILY: Well, it's -
RICHARD: It's an insult! That's all they write? Nothing about her charity work or her collecting or her travels? And not a word about the new maternity wing that she donated to St. Joseph's! You tell me where all of the fine people of Hartford are supposed to have all their babies if it weren't for my mother, tell me that!
EMILY: All right, all right, calm down. We will take care of it.
RICHARD: She was a saint, that woman!
EMILY: I know. Absolutely, we will make sure it says "saint" somewhere in the article.
RICHARD: You're sure?
LORELAI: Don't worry, Dad.
RICHARD: Because it's very, very wrong!
LORELAI: Dad, I got your spoon.
RICHARD: Well, I'm not hungry. [leaves]
EMILY: Wonderful. Yet another thing I have to take care of.
LORELAI: Mom, why don't you let me help out a little?
EMILY: That's all right.
LORELAI: I'm happy to do it. I'll bring coffee, a Danish. You've never had so much fun with death in your life.
EMILY: I appreciate the offer, but I have it all under control.
LORELAI: I should probably take off then.
EMILY: Goodbye. Thank Sookie for me. [picks up the phone and dials] Hello, I'm looking for Manny Martelli, please. Well, what time do you expect him back from the science-fiction convention? Yes. Would you hold on a minute, please? [to Lorelai] Lorelai, I have to go to Gran's house tomorrow to sort through her personal papers.
LORELAI: Two cherry Danish coming up.
EMILY: [into phone] Yes, I would like to leave a message.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory is watching TV in her room when the phone rings.]
RORY: Hello?
LORELAI: Hey, it's me.
RORY: Nigella just made a raisin cake that looked so good, the fact that raisins make me gag became totally irrelevant.
LORELAI: Well, good, more ordering choices.
RORY: Oh, my God, she's about to deep-fry a Bounty Bar. I want to move in with her and call her Mommy. Do you mind?
LORELAI: Honey, I -- I have to tell you something.
RORY: You sound sad.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, Gran died.
RORY: What? When?
LORELAI: Last night. She had a heart att*ck. Are you okay?
RORY: How's Grandpa?
LORELAI: Well, he's been better.
RORY: What should I do? Can I do something?
LORELAI: No, it's all being taken care of.
RORY: When's the funeral?
LORELAI: Friday, and there's a wake after. I don't remember if you have a class.
RORY: Doesn't matter. I'll make it work.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: I was just getting to know her.
LORELAI: Well, I think you got a pretty good snapshot.
RORY: Shouldn't I be crying? I feel like I should be crying.
LORELAI: Well, you didn't know her that well.
RORY: Still, she was my great-grandmother. I mean, I should feel more. [gets more and more upset] Oh, God, what if I don't cry at the funeral? Then everyone will see that I'm not crying, and Grandpa will be upset.
LORELAI: Well, honey, if you can't cry, at least you know you can work yourself up into a very respectable panic att*ck.
RORY: It might have to do.
LORELAI: You're an amazing kid. She was so lucky to have you as a great-granddaughter. Hey, do you want me to come by tonight, pick you up, take you to Tijuana, get you drunk and laid?
RORY: That's okay. I've got too much work to do.
LORELAI: Okay, well, call me if you want to talk or whatever.
RORY: I will.
LORELAI: I love you, hon.
RORY: I love you, too, Mom.
CUT TO GRAN'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Emily are going through Gran's papers.]
LORELAI: This looks like -- what a shock -- another incoherent legal document.
EMILY: Hand it to me.
LORELAI: Uh..."house insurance policy."
EMILY: Hand it to me.
LORELAI: You know, Mom, seriously, I can do more than just hand you stuff.
EMILY: That's all right. I have a system.
LORELAI: Yes. You don't think I can work within the system, but I can! I have no plans to overthrow the system. Just teach me the system. Teach it!
EMILY: Just hand me some papers.
[Lorelai groans. A woman walks into the room.]
GEORGIA: Emily, excuse me. We finished cataloging the second floor, and we're about to move to the third.
EMILY: That's fine, Georgia.
GEORGIA: And we have bubble-wrapped those bar glasses. Where do you want us to put them?
EMILY: In the trunk of my car, along with the candlesticks. My keys are in the foyer.
GEORGIA: All right.
LORELAI: What was that about?
EMILY: I'm preparing for the funeral.
LORELAI: Stashing bar glasses is preparing for the funeral?
EMILY: Those bar glasses are supposed to stay in the family. They go to us, then to you. However, every time a certain relative of your father's comes to visit, things tend to disappear.
LORELAI: Dad's got a Winona in the family? How cool. Who is it?
EMILY: His cousin Marilyn. She has been systematically pilfering those bar glasses for the last five years.
LORELAI: Really.
EMILY: Plus, I saw her eyeing the candlesticks last Easter, and I'll be damned if I let her get them. So much to do. [ Sighs ] Did I tell you about the burial-slash-cremation clause?
LORELAI: Now you're just making stuff up.
EMILY: Your grandmother is to have an open-casket ceremony, displayed in all her glory, then is to be cremated and have her ashes divided in two -- half to be buried with her husband in the family crypt, and the other half to be put in an urn and placed on our mantelpiece.
LORELAI: Half of Gran is going to be on your mantel forever.
EMILY: Staring at me, judging me, disapproving of me.
LORELAI: So apparently, it's the top half.
EMILY: When I first found out, I almost had a coronary, but I've accepted it. From now on, it's going to be a 3-person household -- your father, me, and her urn.
LORELAI: You know, it's so weird. I know so little about Gran. I mean, like, what was her maiden name?
EMILY: Gilmore.
LORELAI: No, no, her maiden name.
EMILY: Gilmore.
LORELAI: Wait. Y-you're not saying -
EMILY: She and Charles were second cousins.
LORELAI: Ew! What?!
EMILY: Oh, don't act so scandalized. It was not at all uncommon for prominent families to keep the bloodlines closed.
LORELAI: Keeping the bloodlines closed. Is that what we're calling it?
EMILY: Well, what would you call it?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. How about "Good morning, Appalachia, I got a mighty cute sister and an extra set of toes."
EMILY: No one has any extra toes.
LORELAI: I have a double-jointed thumb.
EMILY: Remarkable. Use it to hand me some more papers, please.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, but I don't understand how everyone was so okay with this. I mean, what, did they just go, "What a cute couple. They look so much alike." [no answer] Mom?
EMILY: This is to your father. It's a carbon copy of a letter she sent to your father.
LORELAI: Hmm. That's nice.
EMILY: [reading] "My Dearest Richard, It is with heavy heart that I write you this letter tonight, but I cannot stand by and let you make a terrible mistake. Until now, I had thought, hoped, prayed that you would come to the same conclusion that I have. But you have not, and therefore, I feel it is my duty as your mother to beg you to reconsider your impending marriage." [Lorelai gasps.] "I'm sure that Emily is a very suitable woman for someone, but not for you. She will not be able to make you happy. She does not have the Gilmore stamina or spark. She is simply not a Gilmore."
LORELAI: Well, sure, 'cause you weren't directly related to him.
EMILY: [continues reading] "I don't know the circumstances surrounding your breakup with Pennilyn Lott, but it is still my belief that she is much better suited for you than Emily." [Voice breaking] "I know that the timing of this is particularly awkward, since you are to be married tomorrow."
LORELAI: No way!
EMILY: [reading] "But your happiness is too important to me, so timing be damned."
LORELAI: She wanted Dad to leave you at the altar.
EMILY: She begged him to leave me at the altar! She begged him in writing, and then she saved the carbons!
LORELAI: Holy moly. Can I see that?
EMILY: I can't believe this. I'm standing here in her basement, covered in dust. I'm organizing her estate and cataloging her things. I've been on the phone for days, trying to make sure that everything was exactly the way she wanted it, and all this time, she never even wanted me in her family!
LORELAI: Man, she sure used a lot of exclamation points.
EMILY: Well, fine. That's just fine, because I am done.
LORELAI: Done?
EMILY: I'm done planning and running around and calling people. I'm done with anything having to do with that woman.
LORELAI: But Dad…
EMILY: Skipped my best friend's funeral to golf -- that's what your dad did!
LORELAI: Mom, we have to plan this funeral.
EMILY: Find a box, throw her in, we're done!
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Better yet, throw the old harpy's carcass in a ditch! Let a wolverine eat her.
LORELAI: Okay, but, see, finding a wolverine near a ditch -- that takes planning.
EMILY: Do whatever you want! I'm going to have a drink. Would you like a drink?
LORELAI: I can't do it, Mom! I don't know the system!
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the table going through Gran's papers.]
RORY: Bank info?
LORELAI: Hand it to me.
RORY: I cannot believe that story.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, trust me, the brothers Grimm were over in the corner, yelling, "No way!"
RORY: And she just walked out?
LORELAI: Yep.
RORY: Jewelry appraisal?
LORELAI: Hand it to me.
RORY: Why don't you just tell me where to put it?
LORELAI: No, because I have a system.
RORY: Oh. Well, that letter sounds awful.
LORELAI: It was.
RORY: And really cruel.
LORELAI: So cruel -- so completely cruel that I'm kind of wondering if Gran didn't know Mom was gonna find it.
RORY: Stop. It's too mean. I don't wanna think that there's that meanness in my genes. I don't wanna inherit something like that.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, who knows what we've inherited from that woman. Count your toes lately?
RORY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Well, I've been saving the best for last.
RORY: You're kidding.
LORELAI: Do you know what Gran's maiden name was?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Gilmore. Grandpa Charles was her second cousin!
RORY: No!
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: What does that mean about us? What if that's caused, like, a horrible genetic mutation that hasn't shown up yet? Oh, our eyes!
LORELAI: What? We each have two of them.
RORY: I always thought it was neat that our eyes look kind of similar, but now I don't know. Is it creepy?
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: I think it's creepy.
LORELAI: Okay, just hand me some more stuff. Stop staring at my eyes. Come on.
RORY: What else do you have to do?
LORELAI: Oh, well, I haven't tracked down this Reverend Wilder yet, and I got some mysterious message from the place that made her headstone, so I have to go see about that. And then there's just the random stuff.
RORY: What random stuff?
LORELAI: Well, for instance, Gran requested that she be buried in fresh clothing.
RORY: What is fresh clothing?
LORELAI: I don't know. Clean clothing? Clothes fresh from the cleaners? New clothes? Clothes with a mountain-fresh scent?
RORY: I think it's new clothing.
LORELAI: It's safest, isn't it? So add that to the list with the headstone. Oh, and then there's the obituary. I almost forgot about the obituary.
RORY: What about the obituary?
LORELAI: The paper wrote something, but Dad thinks it's not good enough, so I have to rewrite her death announcement. I should let Mom do it. I believe it would go, "yay."
RORY: Hey, can I do it? I want to help, and we have access to a database at the Yale paper that would make it really easy to research.
LORELAI: Oh, honey, that would be great. Thank you.
RORY: My pleasure. I just feel really bad for Grandpa, losing his mother.
LORELAI: Well, they were really close.
RORY: Yeah. It's sad. So, Gran and her husband had the same great-grandfather.
LORELAI: Try not to think about it.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings. No one answers so Lorelai opens the door and walks in. Sookie follows her in. The entry is filled with flowers.]
LORELAI: Hello? Oh. Mom, Dad?
SOOKIE: Look at all this stuff! Oh.
LORELAI: Mom, are you here?
EMILY: In the living room, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Uh, yeah. Where's the maid? You got a condolence moat going on out here. [Lorelai and Sookie make their way into the living room to find Emily smoking and drinking and reading a book in her robe.] Whoa.
EMILY: I told Hilda to take the day off. Nothing's happening here.
LORELAI: I think every delivery boy in town would beg to differ.
EMILY: What? Oh, those. Just put those anywhere. I have to finish reading The Crimson Petal and the White for my book club. Sookie, what a pleasant surprise! What are you doing here?
LORELAI: I brought Sookie so she could check what equipment she's going to need for the wake. And who the hell are you?!
SOOKIE: I'm so sorry, Emily.
EMILY: About what?
SOOKIE: Well, about Richard's mother dying.
EMILY: Are you? Huh. Would you like a cigarette?
SOOKIE: No, thank you.
EMILY: Well, then, more for me.
SOOKIE: I think she broke.
LORELAI: Mom, what's going on?
SOOKIE: I am just gonna go to the kitchen.
LORELAI: Mom!
EMILY: Lorelai, please, I'm reading.
LORELAI: Uh...okay.
[The doorbell rings.]
EMILY: If you're going by the bar, my drink could use a little freshening up.
LORELAI: Your drink is fresh enough! And put that cigarette out!
[Lorelai opens the door to Jason.]
LORELAI: Hi, Jason.
JASON: Hey, I didn't know you were gonna be here.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, well, the white rabbit ran by. I chased him, fell down a hole, and here I am.
JASON: So, how's everybody doing?
LORELAI: Uh, well, Dad's a mess, and Mom starts work at the truck stop next week.
JASON: Are you holding up?
LORELAI: Yeah, I am. Thanks for asking.
JASON: Well, it's what I'm here for.
LORELAI: Really?
JASON: No. I have to get your father's signature on some papers.
LORELAI: Mom, where's Dad?
EMILY: How the hell do I know?
JASON: [sarcastically] Boy, she sounds really upset.
LORELAI: He's probably in his study.
JASON: Okay, thanks.
LORELAI: Mm-hmm. Careful.
[Jason knocks on the door of Richard's study. Richard comes to the door unshaven and wearing a bathrobe.]
RICHARD: Oh, Jason.
JASON: Richard, I am so sorry to hear.
[Richard sobs and hugs Jason. Lorelai turns away and goes back to Emily.]
EMILY: Who was that at the door?
LORELAI: It was Jason. Dad needs to sign something.
EMILY: Uh-huh.
LORELAI: You know what? Why don't I start putting some of these baskets away?
EMILY: Whatever.
LORELAI: And then maybe I could start writing some thank-you notes.
EMILY: Fine. I think there's some Post-its in the kitchen.
LORELAI: Mom, uh...I know how hurt you are. That letter was terrible. But there's still a lot of stuff that has to get done.
EMILY: I know. You're right. Say, I've got an idea. Why don't you call Pennilyn Lott and have her plan the funeral?
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: I mean, she's the one that was supposed to be planning it anyhow, so I say let her do it. You need something, Sookie?
SOOKIE: I was just wondering if it's going to be okay to set up a buffet in the dining room.
EMILY: I don't know. What do you think Pennilyn Lott would do? You think she'd set it up in the dining room? Because personally, I think we should just toss some cheese cubes in the coffin, stuff some toothpicks in her mouth, and let the people go to town.
SOOKIE: Is she serious?
LORELAI: The dining room's fine, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Okay. Good.
[Jason comes out of the study. Lorelai goes over to him.]
LORELAI: Um, uh, excuse me.
JASON: Did you see that hug?
LORELAI: Yes, I saw the hug, I saw the hug.
JASON: It didn't end. It was the hug that wouldn't end, and he was wearing a robe.
LORELAI: Yes, apparently, we're a robe family now.
JASON: And he was crying. I am really, really bad at comforting people. I say completely inappropriate things -- bad jokes with words like "Nantucket" in them.
LORELAI: Did you get what you needed?
JASON: Yeah, thanks.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, then I guess I'll see you at the funeral tomorrow.
JASON: Yeah. About the actual funeral
LORELAI: Jason.
JASON: I can't do funerals.
LORELAI: You have to do funerals. This was your partner's mother.
JASON: I understand, but funerals have way too much emotion for me -- the death and the hugging.
LORELAI: You serious?
JASON: When I was 10, my family went through a terrible period. Once a month, somebody died. For a year, they were dropping like flies. It completely freaked me out.
LORELAI: Okay, fine, don't come, but you had better lie to my father and tell him you did.
JASON: I am very comfortable with that compromise.
LORELAI: [goes back to Emily] That was Jason again. He had to go, but he wanted me to tell you hello for him.
EMILY: Jason. Your father loves that boy.
LORELAI: I know he does.
EMILY: You know who else would love that boy? Pennilyn Lott.
LORELAI: I'm gonna go get started on those thank-you cards.
EMILY: Remember to thank Pennilyn Lott just for being Pennilyn Lott.
CUT TO YALE NEWSPAPER
[Rory is on the phone.]
RORY: I'm almost done. I promise I'll get it to the paper this afternoon.
LORELAI: This is a really big help, my friend. I owe you.
RORY: No, it was really interesting, actually. I mean, I never knew all of these things about Gran.
LORELAI: Really, was the extra-toe thing in there?
RORY: No, but did you know that she took care of wounded soldiers that were shipped back here during World w*r II? She also studied at the Sorbonne and at Oxford and met three presidents.
LORELAI: Oh. Which ones?
RORY: Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon. There's this amazing picture of her frowning at Nixon like she knew he was up to something.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: Yeah, she was some kind of something, wasn't she?
LORELAI: Yes, she kind of was.
RORY: I just love that she wanted something so -- I got to go. [hangs up] Hi, Doyle. Hey, did you read the typo in the New York Times today?
DOYLE: This is personal.
RORY: Yes. Yes, it is.
DOYLE: You're using newspaper resources to work on something personal, in direct defiance of what I was warning everybody about just the other day.
RORY: But this is different.
DOYLE: Oh, it is?
RORY: If I can just -
DOYLE: Oh, goody, here comes the defense. What will it be? "I'm looking something up for a friend?" "The professor didn't give me enough time?" "I was just browsing through the archives, and I got distracted?"
RORY: My grandmother is d*ad.
DOYLE: Oh. Oh, no.
RORY: Yeah, she died two days ago, suddenly, and we were close. Okay? We were close, and I'm just trying to give her an obituary that is fitting for the great woman that she was.
DOYLE: Oh. That's -- I didn't know.
RORY: You didn't ask.
DOYLE: My grandmother died in December, and it was... [sighs] I'm still not over it. I know exactly what you're going through. Keep going, please. I'm sorry.
RORY: It's okay. And thank you.
DOYLE: Last week, you know what I did?
RORY: No.
DOYLE: I picked up the phone to call her. Isn't that sad? I actually forgot, and then, of course, it h*t me all over again. I hope that doesn't happen to you.
RORY: Me too.
DOYLE: She smelled a little like coffee. I still can't walk past any place that makes coffee.
RORY: Oh.
DOYLE: The girl I was dating was a barista. I had to break up with her.
RORY: We weren't that close.
DOYLE: What?
RORY: And it wasn't my grandmother. It was my great-grandmother. I dropped the "great" to make the whole thing sound sadder. I don't know anything about her until today. [sighs] I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna pack up and go straight to hell now.
DOYLE: My grandmother was a very special woman. She drove me to my prom, and I'd be a poor man if I'd never known her. Finish the obituary.
RORY: What?
GLENN: What?
DOYLE: Everybody should get to know their grandmother.
GLENN: But it was her great-grandmother. Didn't you hear her?
DOYLE: Glenn, you take Rory's piece on the new parking rules, okay?
GLENN: My month lasts a month. Your month lasts three days. Yes, sirree, folks, that is my life!
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Everyone in the diner is quiet. They're listening to the sounds of yelling coming from Luke's apartment upstairs. Miss Patty walks in the door.]
MISS PATTY: Oh, Kirk, good, I've been -
CUSTOMERS: Shh!
MISS PATTY: What are we listening to? [Kirk points upstairs.] Again?
KIRK: Yep.
[Rapid footsteps approaching. Everyone pretends to be busy as Luke comes into the diner.]
LUKE: Who needs to order?
MISS PATTY: I do.
LUKE: Go ahead.
MISS PATTY: I'll have a chef's salad.
LUKE: Dressing?
MISS PATTY: Oil and vinegar on the side.
LUKE: Crackers or roll?
MISS PATTY: Um...
KIRK: Get the crackers, get the crackers.
MISS PATTY: Uh, I'll have the -
NICOLE: Luke!
LUKE: What?
NICOLE: Are you coming back?
LUKE: I'm working.
NICOLE: We were having a discussion and you just got up and left.
LUKE: I thought we were done.
NICOLE: I was in the middle of the word "September."
LUKE: [Sighs and points to the door.] Okay, come on. [They go outside.] Okay, go ahead.
NICOLE: We were in the middle of a conversation!
LUKE: We were yelling. It was a fight.
NICOLE: We weren't yelling.
LUKE: It felt like yelling.
NICOLE: Okay, we won't yell. We'll talk.
LUKE: Fine, talk.
NICOLE: Me? What about you?
LUKE: You're the one who wanted to talk. We're here. Let's talk.
NICOLE: You don't want to talk?
LUKE: I don't have anything to say.
NICOLE: Yeah. Me either. [Starts to walk away.]
LUKE: [ Sighs ] Nicole.
NICOLE: What?
LUKE: You going back to our place?
NICOLE: Our place? [ Scoffs ] Our place. Huh. Funny.
[As Nicole walks away, Luke turns to see everyone in the diner crowded at the window watching the fight.]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Richard opens the door to Lorelai and Rory.]
LORELAI: Dad, why are you answering the door?
RICHARD: Uh, well, I heard it ring, so, um...
LORELAI: The maid's taking the day off again?
RICHARD: Yeah, I suppose so. Rory, it's nice to see you.
RORY: I'm so sorry, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Thank you, Rory.
RORY: How are you?
RICHARD: Well, I'm having a devil of a time with this tie.
RORY: And you're not wearing any shoes.
RICHARD: What? Oh, yeah, shoes.
LORELAI: Dad, can't Mom help you with the tie?
RICHARD: Yes. Yes. Uh, I don't know where she's gotten to. There are a lot of plans to make. Oh, someone sent us four hams. Can you imagine? Four hams.
[Emily comes downstairs wearing her robe again.]
LORELAI: Mom, there you are.
EMILY: [ Slurring ] Rory, you look very nice.
RORY: I brought a dress to change into.
EMILY: Oh, what you're wearing is fine. [hands Lorelai a book] Lorelai, here, I just finished reading, and I think you'll really like it. It's about this prost*tute named Sugar in Victorian England. She starts rising through the ranks of society, and she meets these really vivid characters!
LORELAI: Okay, sure, you don't have to tell me the whole story now.
EMILY: I'm not giving anything away. That's all on the back cover.
LORELAI: Dad? [to Rory] Follow him. Point out doors and windows.
RORY: Got it. [Rory follows Richard upstairs.]
LORELAI: So, Mom, you might want to go get ready now.
EMILY: Nonsense! We have hours. Want a drink? Today I learned how to make mojitos!
LORELAI: Mom, today especially, you might want to be early, since we're the ones throwing the funeral.
EMILY: Fine.
LORELAI: There you go. Go on upstairs. Put on a dress -- a black dress.
RORY: [comes back downstairs] I got him to sit down.
LORELAI: Okay, pillow. Soft. Good.
RORY: You're right, they're a little nutty.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. With extra nuts on top. Okay, I have to check and make sure that Sookie's kitchen stuff made it over here. And I have to call the airline and make sure the reverend got on the plane. I have to check in with the headstone -- [ Gasps ] Underwear.
RORY: Um, that took a turn.
LORELAI: Oh, my God. I delivered Gran's clothes to the funeral home, but I forgot to include underwear.
RORY: Gran's going commando?
LORELAI: Oh, no. I'll have to go buy some.
RORY: Well, wait a minute. Who's gonna know?
LORELAI: I'll know. Just stay here. Keep an eye on your grandpa. I'll be right back.
CUT TO STORE
[Lorelai looks at racks of underwear, unsure what to buy. A saleswoman comes up behind her.]
SHANNON: This whole section is our 2-for-1 sale.
LORELAI: Listen -
SHANNON: Shannon.
LORELAI: Shannon, um, I need to buy something for my grandmother.
SHANNON: Any particular style?
LORELAI: Something respectable, upstanding. You got anything that came over on the Mayflower?
SHANNON: We have this whole line of really terrific panties, and they have a built-in tummy panel that older women really love.
LORELAI: Oh, well, tummy panel sounds great.
SHANNON: What size is she?
LORELAI: Size? Uh, she's tiny but strong. She looks like she could take a punch. But she wears these big dresses, so who knows what's going on under there.
SHANNON: Okay, well -
LORELAI: I'm sorry, she wore big dresses. She wore big dresses, 'cause she's d*ad.
SHANNON: Oh.
LORELAI: Do you have any idea what "fresh clothing" means?
SHANNON: No.
LORELAI: Neither do I. I'm guessing it means "new," and that's why I'm here, because I have to do all the - all the planning now, because my mother found the note. [Scoffs] The stupid note. Who writes a note like that and keeps the carbon?
SHANNON: I don't -
LORELAI: Yeah, my grandmother -- that's who. My grandmother, who wants fresh clothing and a 4,000-year-old minister, who wants to be cremated and put in a jar on top of my mother's mantelpiece to sit up there and judge for all eternity. I bet your family's looking really great to you right about now, huh?
SHANNON: Yes, they are.
LORELAI: Yeah. [Chuckles] Oh, God. [Sniffles] I'm just babbling. I'm standing in underwire heaven just babbling like a crazy person. I should just pick something, because, I mean, what difference does it make? She's d*ad. You know, the woman is d*ad. She can't tell what she's wearing or who bought it for her. She can't see the mess she's left behind, so I'll just -- I'll take this.
SHANNON: That's a small.
LORELAI: Hello! She's d*ad! The woman is d*ad! She can't tell if it's the right size! She wanted fresh clothes, and I'm here buying her fresh clothes. So if she has a problem with the size or the strawberry print, then she can rise from the d*ad and come back here and yell at me herself. Because you know what, if anyone could, that tough, old, crazy, wonderful broad would be the one! [Sniffles] You take Visa, right?
SHANNON: Mm-hmm.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Rory helps Richard with his tie.]
RORY: Okay, so, according to this, we're almost home. I just pull this through there, which looks promising, and we're done. Now you just do the final adjusting.
RICHARD: Well, that's not bad.
RORY: Fourth time's the charm.
RICHARD: Very handy little sheet you've got there. Where'd you get it?
RORY: Off the internet. You can find anything there.
RICHARD: Hmm. Very nice.
RORY: Do you want to keep it -- the diagram? I don't think I'll be needing it much around the dorm
RICHARD: [ Chuckles ] Well, in that case, I will. Thank you, Rory.
RORY: Now I think all we need is your jacket and your shoes, and you're ready.
RICHARD: [ Sighs ] Yes, I suppose so. You know, the suit I wore when we buried my father -- I was never able to wear it again. It was brand-new -- a very nice suit. Custom-made. It was my first custom-made suit. I told your grandmother that it didn't fit anymore, but really, I just didn't want to see it again. And I suppose this is going to be it for this suit, too.
RORY: So, I hear you're doing the eulogy.
RICHARD: Well, I'm her son.
RORY: Are you gonna be okay doing that?
RICHARD: Well, I'll have to be, I suppose.
RORY: Because if you find yourself feeling, you know, unsteady about it, I can do it. I did a lot of reading about Gran for the obituary, and I think I can do her justice.
RICHARD: She had a life, didn't she?
RORY: She really did.
RICHARD: Well, I thank you for your offer, but this is my responsibility. I will be fine.
RORY: I'm sure you will.
RICHARD: However, if something happens, and I find myself, let us say, a tad more emotional than I would like -
RORY: I got your back, Grandpa.
[Richard sighs.]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE -- DOWNSTAIRS
[Lorelai walks in the front door with a shopping bag. Emily, dressed for the funeral, is sitting at the table.]
EMILY: Did you go shopping? I've been sitting here waiting for you.
[Lorelai sighs.]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE - NIGHT
[After the funeral. Richard is greeting the mourners.]
RICHARD: Thank you. Thanks so much for coming. Appreciate it.
RORY: Nice job with the eulogy, Gilmore.
RICHARD: Well, I've always found that a well-tied bow tie can have a very steadying effect.
JENSON: Richard, she was a hell of a lady.
EMMA: I don't know what the hospital board will do without her.
RICHARD: I appreciate both of you coming. Have you met my granddaughter Rory?
JENSON: No, I don't believe we have.
EMMA: Nice to meet you, Rory.
RORY: Nice to meet you, too. I'm gonna go get a soda. Excuse me.
EMMA: She's lovely, Richard.
RICHARD: Inside and out.
[Rory walks over to Lorelai.]
LORELAI: How's he doing?
RORY: Not bad. He's holding it together -- partly because all these people are here, but I think he's doing better.
LORELAI: Good. So, what did you think of Gran's fabulous, fresh clothing?
RORY: I thought it was very sophisticated.
LORELAI: Thank you.
RORY: But don't think, for a second, that I didn't notice the Hello Kitty bracelet you put on her.
LORELAI: I just thought, a little something special from me and you for all eternity.
MARILYN: So, there she was, dragging poor Charles around Egypt, of all places. I mean, the man detested sand. So, of course, Lorelai wanted to go and see the pyramids right away. Well, he was dragging his feet. He wanted to go to the hotel. He said, "Lorelai, those pyramids have been there for thousands of years, so they can wait another day." And she said, "Well, you didn't marry the pyramids. You married me, and I won't wait another hour." And she jumped on a camel and rode away. Dragged the camel's owner behind her for over a mile. Man almost died. [ Laughter ] There she is. Lorelai, come here and say hello to your father's favorite cousin.
LORELAI: Hi, Marilyn.
MARILYN: Look at you. You look just like your picture. You know, your grandmother had this picture of you right smack-dab in the middle of her entryway. You would walk in the door, she would point to the picture, and she would say, "This is my granddaughter, Lorelai. She's not married."
LORELAI: Oh, that's a terrific story.
MARILYN: You are stunning! My god, tell me you're an idiot, I beg you.
LORELAI: I have my moments. How's that?
MARILYN: And you, miss. Am I possibly related to you also?
LORELAI: Yes, this is my daughter Rory.
MARILYN: It is a thrill to meet you both. Horrible circumstances, I suppose. Anyway angels, tell me: when you were last over at your grandmother's house, did you possibly notice some darling little bar glasses?
LORELAI: Bar glasses?
MARILYN: Crystal, with this little gold-leaf pattern around?
LORELAI: No, I don't think so.
MARILYN: Oh, well, I was just wondering. They weren't valuable, just sentimental. I used to admire them as a small child.
LORELAI: Well, sure, what little kid doesn't have a fascination with bar glasses?
MARILYN: Well, if you ever do see them -
LORELAI: Yes, I'll let you know. I -- I'm sorry, I have to go check the caterer.
MARILYN: Go, go, go. I can visit with Rory.
RORY: Okay. Hey, I heard you talking about Gran in Egypt.
MARILYN: Oh, she loved Egypt. Actually, she loved anyplace exotic. Did she ever tell you about the time she was stranded in Istanbul?
RORY: No. Well, I actually didn't know her very well.
MARILYN: Oh, that's a terrible shame.
RORY: I think so, too.
DARCY: It was a lovely service. You did a wonderful job.
EMILY: Thank you.
DARCY: It seems like we're hitting that age, now aren't we, where we're going to be going to a lot of these things. Time to invest in a second black suit, I suppose.
EMILY: [to a passing waiter] Excuse me, please bring my husband a Manhattan, and make sure the hors d'oeuvres start with him. He has to eat something.
RORY: [to a boy her age] Yeah, I think philosophy may be one of my favorite subjects right now.
LORELAI: [whispers to Rory] Second cousin.
RORY: Got to go.
BOY: Wait, I'll come with you. [follows Rory]
LORELAI: [loudly] Reverend Wilder, hi. Thank you so much for coming all the way up here from Florida to be with us. Gran would have been so pleased.
REVEREND: Oh, thank you. I was happy to do it. And you are?
LORELAI: I'm Lorelai Gilmore.
REVEREND: Didn't I just bury you?
LORELAI: No, Reverend, I'm the one who talked to you on the phone, and I picked you up from the airport.
REVEREND: Oh, really?
LORELAI: Yeah.
MARILYN: That was a different Lorelai. This is her granddaughter. This is the reigning Lorelai.
REVEREND: Oh, how nice. And who are you?
LORELAI: This is Gran's niece, Marilyn.
MARILYN: You remember me from when I was younger. You married me to my first husband, Theodore.
REVEREND: I did?
MARILYN: It would be easier on all of us if you can just pretend to remember.
REVEREND: Oh, well, that's probably a good idea.
[Lorelai sits down next to Emily and sighs.]
LORELAI: How are you holding up?
EMILY: My feet are k*lling me.
LORELAI: How's the rest of you?
EMILY: The rest of me? The rest of me is fine.
LORELAI: Oh, you know, Mom, she may have written that letter, but he picked you.
EMILY: I can't believe you wore those shoes to a funeral.
LORELAI: I'm going to go get a stuffed mushroom now.
[Emily walks over to Richard.]
RICHARD: Hmm.
EMILY: Your tie is crooked.
RICHARD: Oh.
EMILY: Have you eaten?
RICHARD: Oh, yes. Every five minutes, it seems a young man would show up at my side with a tray of food. Your doing, I suppose.
EMILY: Could be. There, that's better.
RICHARD: So, I've been thinking.
EMILY: Yes?
RICHARD: I'm not so sure the mantel is the best place for Gran's ashes.
EMILY: What?
RICHARD: The ledge is too small. It wouldn't really be appropriate.
EMILY: But her wishes.
RICHARD: Being buried with my father seems right. Don't you agree?
EMILY: Whatever you want, Richard.
[Lorelai walks through the room.]
MARILYN: So, there she is, Aunt Lorelai -- already in her 70s, mind you -- and the blizzard has her trapped in that old house for a week with no heat, no running water. The local police finally came and dug her out and handed her some hot tea. And you know what she does? First of all, she complains that the tea is too hot, and then she sends them a bill for carpet cleaning, because they tracked in snow.
[Lorelai sees Rory and goes over to sit at a table with her.]
LORELAI: So, you ditched the cousin?
RORY: Yeah, we ran into a sister, and how could I compete?
LORELAI: Oh, sure. How are you doing?
RORY: I'm feeling sadder about Gran, but feeling sadder is making me feel less guilty about not feeling sad, so things are looking up.
LORELAI: Good. So, apparently, I am now the reigning Lorelai.
RORY: Huh. I guess you are.
LORELAI: It's a lot of responsibility.
RORY: Well, sure.
LORELAI: It's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays -- declaring knighthoods, opening supermarkets -- but now and then, you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp.
RORY: Neat. And coins.
LORELAI: Yeah and coins. You know, someday you'll be the reigning Lorelai.
RORY: I don't like that idea.
LORELAI: Why not? You get a cape.
RORY: Because if I'm the reigning Lorelai, that means you'll be gone.
LORELAI: Gone? No, not me. I'll step down way before that. I'm not gonna pull a Queen Elizabeth on you, make you wait around forever, force you to develop interests in polo and architecture.
RORY: I am scared of horses.
LORELAI: I know that.
RORY: So, there's a cape, huh?
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x16 - The Reigning Lorelai"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Jamie Babbit
transcript by Kristi with assistance by Canopus
OPEN WITH LORELAI & RORY RIDING IN KIRK'S PEDI-CAB
RORY: This is humiliating.
LORELAI: Oh, no, we passed humiliating two minutes ago.
RORY: Luke's gonna be completely out of doughnuts by the time we get there.
LORELAI: I don't why he won't just buy six extra sprinkled ones, so we'd never have to have the conversation which we're going to have- if we ever get there.
RORY: I got school in two hours. I'm never gonna make it.
LORELAI: Kirk, how you doing? [Kirk nods head] You sure? You seem to be having a little trouble forming words there.
KIRK: [Strained] No...fine...me.
LORELAI: You know, you don't have to take us all the way to Luke's.
RORY: Yes, Kirk, listen to her.
KIRK: I offered you the first ride in Kirk's new Stars Hollow Pedi-cab, and that is exactly what you're gonna get.
LORELAI: Okay.
KIRK: Time just whizzes by when you're riding in a pedi-cab.
GYPSY: Hey, guys.
RORY: Hey, Gypsy.
LORELAI: Hey, Gypsy.
RORY: Gypsy just out-strolled us.
LORELAI: We've gotta get outta here.
KIRK: How we doing back there?
RORY: We're doing fine, Kirk.
KIRK: I figure this baby's gonna be a real money...
LORELAI: A real money- moneywhat, Kirk?
RORY: Kirk, can you breathe?
[Kirk gasps for breath.]
LORELAI: Talk to us.
RORY: h*t the handlebars three times if you can breathe and two if you can't. He h*t once.
LORELAI: What does once mean?
RORY: That he couldn't make it to twice?
LORELAI: Kirk. Kirk, stop, please.
KIRK: Just for a second. Then we'll be on our way... like the wind.
LORELAI: Okay, you know what, Kirk? This has been really fun, but I think we'll just hoof it the rest of the way.
KIRK: But the ride wasn't over yet.
RORY: Yeah, but we don't want to hog the cab.
LORELAI: 'Cause there's only one.
RORY: But we'll tell our friends.
KIRK: What was wrong with the ride?
LORELAI: Uh, nothing. I mean, it's great for tourists who are new to the town and want to make sure they don't miss a thing.
KIRK: I wasn't going that slow.
LORELAI: No, you just maybe need a little more training before tourist season kicks in. You know, take a spinning class or buy some legs.
RORY: Sorry, Kirk.
KIRK: You will be sorry. [Calling after them] You'll be sorry you turned down the chance to ride in Stars Hollow's first...
RORY: Now he's gonna hate us forever.
LORELAI: No, he's not. He's just gonna hate us till something shiny comes by.
KIRK: [Riding past them with ease] Well, well, well. I guess it wasn't me that was slowing things down. I guess it was my big, fat cargo.
RORY: Hey!
KIRK: Freshman 15!
LORELAI: Kirk!
KIRK: Can't wait to get my doughnut!
LORELAI: Stay away from my doughnut, Kirk! I mean it! It's my doughnut! Freak!
CUT TO YALE CAFETERIA
PARIS: You might as well stick your head in a sugar bowl.
RORY: If you can find one big enough.
PARIS: You won't be able to eat like that forever, you know.
RORY: What are you getting?
PARIS: All bran. Asher turned me on to it.
RORY: He's a romantic.
PARIS: He wants me to live a long time and be healthy. That is romantic.
RORY: Okay. Just a joke. No reflection on your man-friend.
PARIS: So after breakfast, I'm going to pick up the sign for our table, and then I'll meet you in the courtyard. [Holding teabag] Antioxidants.
RORY: Yeah, I'll meet you in the courtyard.
PARIS: I'm actually really excited about this. I mean, it's our first social protest of significance in college.
RORY: I know, it's so exciting. We actually get to do something important, make a difference, have a say in the world.
PARIS: Wouldn't it be amazing if we could just get one Burmese political prisoner released because of our petition?
RORY: You're thinking small, Geller. Let's get 'em all out.
PARIS: Even the guilty ones.
RORY: Hell, yeah.
GLENN: Seriously? 'Cause that'd be great, really great. Okay, so I'll pick you up at 7:00, Saturday morning.
JANET: Okay, Glenn.
GLENN: Thank you, seriously.
JANET: No problem, Glenn.
GLENN: This is a turning point. You know how you have them, when even the angry voices in your head have to shut up for just a minute?
RORY: Sure.
PARIS: Why is he so happy?
JANET: Oh, I couldn't get away earlier for spring break. My friends are leaving without me. I need a ride, Glenn has a van, and there you go.
PARIS: You're going to ride to Florida with a guy who's bummed that he got turned down by that German cannibal?
JANET: That was just a rumor and, yes, I'm desperate.
RORY: Glenn's not that bad. I'm sure you'll be fine.
JANET: Hey, there's extra room in the van, in case you guys need a ride.
RORY: Oh, no, thank you. I don't think we're gonna do the whole spring break thing.
PARIS: Ever since I broke up with Moondoggie, soakin' up the rays hasn't been the same.
JANET: It's going to be really fun. You're missing out.
RORY: I'm not really a spring break kind of gal, but thank you for the offer.
JANET: Okay, but if you change your mind...
PARIS: Gary Gilmore's got room in the car -- got it.
RORY: Oh, Janet, if you have a chance, you should stop by and sign our petition for political prisoners in Burma.
JANET: I'll try. Actually, I have to run out and get a new bathing suit before my class this afternoon.
RORY: Okay.
PARIS: [Calling after Janet] Think of all the tortured souls festering in Burma while you're at the size-2 rack. [To Rory] I hate that she's thin.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
LORELAI: [Sighs] Hey, Luke.
LUKE: I saw you come in. I was gonna get to you, okay?
LORELAI: Sorry?
LUKE: If you don't like the service, you can go somewhere else.
LORELAI: Who could not like the service?
LUKE: I'm busy. You ready to order?
LORELAI: Coffee for now. Is everything okay?
LUKE: You're not gonna eat?
LORELAI: No, I just came in for coffee and to show you something. We got the sample stationery and postcards for the inn.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: You know, the stationery and the postcards that you leave in the guests' room so that they can write a letter home saying, "Having a great time- wish you were here." Which, of course, they don't, because you were the thing they were trying to get away from in this first place.
LUKE: Nobody uses that stuff.
LORELAI: Oh, sure they do.
LUKE: I have never once stayed in a hotel and used the stationery or written a postcard. Are you gonna order?
LORELAI: I did order, and what is with you?
LUKE: Nothin'. I'm fine. The paper's fine. The postcards are fine. I don't know why you're showing them to me anyhow.
LORELAI: Because you are an investor in the inn. I want to keep you apprised of the goings-on.
LUKE: I am not an investor. I loaned you money.
LORELAI: That is what investors do.
LUKE: An investor goes to meetings.
LORELAI: We're having a meeting.
LUKE: They're involved in the business decisions.
LORELAI: Hello...stationary. Decide -- yes, no.
LUKE: [Sighs] I'll get your coffee.
LORELAI: Um...do you want to talk about it?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Whatever it is that's put you in this charming mood.
LUKE: [Clears throat, lowers voice] I am not wearing my socks.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: I am not wearing my socks.
LORELAI: So, what are those, someone else's?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: I am wearing someone else's socks.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I need more.
LUKE: I spent the night at Nicole's place.
LORELAI: Also known as "your place".
LUKE: Got up a little late, grabbed a pair of socks, and it wasn't until I was halfway to work that I realized they were someone else's socks.
LORELAI: And you're sure about this?
LUKE: Hey, if there's one thing in this life I am sure about, it's my socks. I buy the same brand in bulk, and I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. My socks are all white with a red stripe. These are white with a gold stripe and some sort of fruity padding in the toe.
LORELAI: Maybe they're Jess' socks.
LUKE: They are not Jess' socks.
LORELAI: Well, maybe when you went to the laundromat, someone accidentally left a pair of socks in the dryer, and then your --
LUKE: I don't go to a laundromat.
LORELAI: Uh, maybe they're Nicole's socks. You know, her gym socks or... you're not wearing your socks.
LUKE: I am not wearing my socks.
CUT TO PARIS & RORY OUTSIDE AT YALE IN A RAINSTORM AT THEIR PETITION TABLE
RORY: Show your support for the Burmese prisoners.
PARIS: Sign up now- take a stand.
RORY: This bowl of rice is all a Burmese prisoner gets to eat in a day. One bowl- that's it. No butter or soy sauce...
PARIS: Enjoy your "Maxim." You couldn't read that in Burma!
RORY: I'm freezing.
PARIS: Me too.
RORY: [Sighs] Look at all these hypocrites passing by. Everyone claims to be so politically aware, but not one person can stop by for two seconds to sign a stupid petition.
PARIS: People suck. [Jumps up] You all suck!
RORY: Paris, the rice!
PARIS: Great, we have one prop, and it's bl*wing away.
RORY: You knocked it over.
PARIS: Well, you put it right in front of me.
RORY: How was I supposed to know you were gonna jump out of your seat like a maniac?
PARIS: You know me. You room with me. You should have known.
GLENN: Hey, Rory, Paris.
RORY: Oh, Glenn, I'm so glad you stopped by because this is an issue that affects every person that has a heart and a soul.
PARIS: A great injustice is being perpetrated on our watch, and we've got to do something to stop it.
RORY: Aren't you gonna sign the petition?
GLENN: No, I just needed a place to put my sandwich down.
RORY: Is that a raindrop?
PARIS: Yep.
CUT TO PARIS & RORY RUNNING INTO THEIR DORM
PARIS: Out of the way.
RORY: Move, move, move!
FEMALE STUDENT: [Walking out of dorm] Is it raining?
PARIS: No, it's National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot.
RORY: Wet.
PARIS: Cold.
RORY: Go, go! I get the radiator.
PARIS: No way.
RORY: You got it last night.
PARIS: I did not!
RORY: Paris, you took up the whole thing with your "Hey, Gore, do not endorse me" sweatshirt, and my blue sweater is still soaked.
PARIS: Fine! Take half.
RORY: Oh, my god, I'm cold!
PARIS: Can't stop shaking.
RORY: We're wimps -- we would last two seconds in Burma.
PARIS: At least it's warm in Burma.
RORY: Yeah. Okay, we're horrible.
PARIS: This is the kind of cold you read about in a Dickens novel. We should be in a workhouse or shilling for f*g.
RORY: It's supposed to be spring. Why is it still cold?
PARIS: It's been the coldest winter in the history of winter.
RORY: My brain- I think it's frozen. Is that possible?
PARIS: And these gray skies- it's a blanket of misery.
RORY: All I can think about is getting warm. That's all I can think about.
PARIS: It's warm in Florida.
RORY: What?
PARIS: Nothing.
RORY: Did you say "Florida"?
PARIS: No. [Pauses] Yes.
RORY: Seriously?
PARIS: Maybe.
RORY: But it's spring break.
PARIS: I know.
RORY: It's "girls gone wild," and boys doing the twist. We're not spring-breaky people, are we?
PARIS: I don't know what we are, but I am so cold right now that the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys seems like a very good trade off for being warm.
RORY: Warm...
PARIS: Warm...
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
RORY: Mom, where's my bathing suit?
LORELAI: Uh...do you have a bathing suit?
RORY: Of course I have a bathing suit.
LORELAI: When was the last time you wore it?
RORY: I don't remember.
LORELAI: Uh, did it involve a rubber ducky?
RORY: No...I don't think.
LORELAI: Check the bottom drawer, and I will look in your closet. So now, tell me again- who's driving?
RORY: Glenn. It's his mom's van.
LORELAI: And this Glenn- he's a good driver?
RORY: I have no idea.
LORELAI: Kid- you've got to learn to lie.
RORY: Glenn's a very responsible guy. I'm sure it will be fine.
LORELAI: And the place you're staying is safe?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Now you're catching on. Ahh! Aha! Bathing suit. Now we just have to find the wimple that goes with it.
RORY: Give me that, please. Hey, was I supposed to clear this with you first?
LORELAI: Clear what with me?
RORY: Going away.
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know.
RORY: I mean, I don't live here anymore, so I'm not sure what the protocol is.
LORELAI: Ah, well. I think as long as I know now, and I feel as if I have veto power, we're good.
RORY: You have veto power?
LORELAI: No. I feel as if I have veto power- very different statement.
RORY: Got it.
LORELAI: But you'll call me a lot while you're there, right?
RORY: You're not worried, are you? Because I'm just going for the sun and to read, nothing more.
LORELAI: I know, I know. It's just it's always the good kids who've never had a drink that take one sip of Kahlua and fall out of a window.
RORY: So you're sad you never taught me how to drink?
LORELAI: Exactly!
RORY: Well grab a bottle and some quarters and let's go.
LORELAI: No falling out of windows.
RORY: Not even a first floor one.
LORELAI: And don't drink. And after you're done not drinking, drink tons of water and take two aspirin before you go to bed.
RORY: Got it.
LORELAI: And take Paris with you everywhere. Not much can happen with that girl along.
RORY: Got it. [Horn honks outside.] They're here.
LORELAI: Oh. Maybe they can stop by a bathing suit store along the way.
RORY: My suit is fine.
LORELAI: No, sure it is. It's nice to be able to go from the beach to the mosque without having to change.
GLENN: Seriously, Paris, get out!
PARIS: No! I have to drive.
GLENN: You drive exactly like you look like you drive.
PARIS: What's that supposed to mean?
GLENN: You speed like a maniac. You zip in and out of lanes. You tailgate.
PARIS: They were going two miles an hour.
GLENN: It was a driving-school car.
PARIS: Well, they went to school to learn a lesson. I was just giving them their money's worth.
RORY: Hey, guys.
PARIS: Let's go. We're on a schedule. Get away from Glenn.
JANET: Thank god you're here.
RORY: Glenn, this is my mom.
LORELAI: Hi, I'm Lorelai. Hey, congratulations on being student of the month at Grandville Middle School.
GLENN: Thanks.
LORELAI: You lookin' forward to the beach?
GLENN: Yes, I am.
LORELAI: You know, you don't have to show up in what you're going to wear. They'll let you change when you get there.
GLENN: I'm not cold.
LORELAI: No, of course not. [Hands Glenn Rory's bags] Could you? Thanks.
RORY: So, how come Paris is driving?
PARIS: Are we gonna go through this again?
RORY: I didn't know we'd already gone through it.
PARIS: I can't be in a car if anybody else is driving, okay? If I die in a car crash, it's going to be at my own hand.
LORELAI: Hi, Paris.
PARIS: Hi, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Bye.
RORY: No windows.
LORELAI: No windows. Oh, hey, um, Glenn, would you mind if Rory sits up front? She gets carsick.
GLENN: Oh. Okay.
LORELAI: Airbags. Okay, um, have fun. Drive safely.
PARIS: Let's go...and say a prayer for the road k*ll. [Tires screech as she pulls away.]
CUT TO VAN PULLING INTO SEA SPRITE HOTEL
GLENN: You're a lunatic!
PARIS: Hey, I shaved three hours off the MapQuest estimate. How about a "thank you" for that? Who's in charge here?
RORY: I'm guessing pink shirts and white shorts?
GLENN: I think my clothing choice has been vindicated.
PARIS: Swank attire and desperation for approval. The chicks are gonna eat you up. It is warm. Are you feeling the warmth?
RORY: I'm definitely starting to thaw.
JACK: Name, please.
JANET: It's under "Billings."
JACK: Okay... okay, we have you girls in room 6.
PARIS: Room 6, okay. And what is your name?
JACK: Jack.
PARIS: Jack. Well, Jack, hello. I'm Paris, and this is Andrew [Holds up a $20 bill]. And we just want to make sure that we're getting your very best room.
JACK: Actually, room 9 has a better view, and it's closer to the ice machine.
PARIS: Let's go with 9. Now, who's gonna help with our bags? Good. Okay, those four bags... Uh, Rory, your book bag?
RORY: Um, sure.
JANET: I'm gonna go for a run.
RORY: Now?
JANET: Just a short one around the block.
RORY: She looks so normal, and then that happens.
PARIS: Come on. Paris Geller, room 9. Remember that. See, a lot of people make the mistake of tipping at the end of a trip. But I always tip as you go along. That way, they never know when the honey pot dries up, and it keeps them from going through your stuff and robbing you blind. Paris Geller, room 9. Remember that.
RORY: Oh, man, look at that. We're right on the ocean. Paris, look at it. It's right there.
PARIS: I see it. Oh, hey, we're in room 9. Feel free to keep the sheets clean and the towels coming. [Goes into room 9] Okay...not bad. Hey, you know what would be swell? A VCR to go with that television set. You mind? You're aces, pal...really. I'm giving the toast at your wedding.
RORY: Well, at least it doesn't smell bad in here.
PARIS: Pull your covers down and roll on the bed.
RORY: Why?
PARIS: We are sharing this room with four other girls, Rory. Plus 10K Barbie- we have to stake out our territory.
RORY: Yes, and then we need to up your dosage.
PARIS: Look, a person comes in, they see a dent in the bed, possibly a hair on the pillow...
RORY: So the person's David Caruso?
PARIS: They'll figure that bed is taken. They will then move on to the couch or the rollaway.
RORY: That's insane.
PARIS: Okay, suit yourself. [Starts to bounce on the bed. Rory soon follows suit on the other bed.]
RORY: And I was worried I would I feel stupid.
PARIS: Stupid but well rested.
RORY: How long do we have to do this?
PARIS: I think we're good.
RORY: I'm really comfortable right now.
PARIS: Yeah, me, too.
[Indistinct yelling]
RORY: Sounds like more are arriving. Where are you going?
PARIS: To see what all the ruckus is about.
RORY: Wait for me- I like ruckus. Man, that's a lot of people stuck in that tiny car.
PARIS: They should all be wearing Shriner hats.
[A cute guy walks past.]
SEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
PARIS: Hmm, that was subtle.
RORY: What are you talking about?
PARIS: The Joanie loves Chachi moment.
RORY: He said "hey."
PARIS: I heard.
RORY: I said "hey" back.
PARIS: You did.
RORY: I was being polite.
PARIS: In Burma, you'd be married...or brutally k*lled.
RORY: I'm gonna go make your bed.
PARIS: Don't you dare. Man, I'm thirsty. [Hands money to guy walking by] Root beer?
RORY: Paris, that guy doesn't work here.
PARIS: Not yet. But look at that mug of his, it's only a matter of time.
CUT TO JASON'S APARTMENT
LORELAI: I overslept again.
JASON: I know.
LORELAI: Why didn't you get me up?
JASON: I tried, and you bit me.
LORELAI: I did not bite you. [Jason holds out hand, she looks.] I did bite you -- cool!
JASON: Here, eat this before it gets cold.
LORELAI: You made French toast?
JASON: Well, I had a lot of energy after my run, so...
LORELAI: You went running?
JASON: Well, I had to wait for the laundry to dry. And I had already read the papers.
LORELAI: You had an entire day before I woke up.
JASON: Here, you want bacon?
LORELAI: You went out and slaughtered a pig between the running and the French toast?
JASON: Yes, and by the way, that whole ozone-layer problem... taken care of.
LORELAI: You're my Green Party hero.
JASON: [Handing her a plate] Here.
LORELAI: Oh, no - can't. I have to get to the printers and pick up the brochures because today is mailing day. But do you have a baggie?
JASON: Uh, yeah, here.
LORELAI: Perfect. Mmm.
JASON: What are you doing?
LORELAI: This is French toast on the go. The other drivers on the road love it. Come here. [Kisses him.] I'll call you later. We'll plan our weekend.
JASON: [Looking awkward.] Um, hey, Lorelai, hold on a second. Here.
LORELAI: A key.
JASON: Yeah, it's a key to the apartment.
LORELAI: Oh...good. Do you want me to let someone in?
JASON: No, it's just an extra key. I thought, you know, if you were coming over and I was running late this way you didn't have to wait in the hallway.
LORELAI: Okay.
JASON: Or if you were carrying something, and you couldn't wait for me to get to the door... this way, you're all set.
LORELAI: Okay...good. Makes sense.
JASON: Yeah, it's just a practical thing. It's not a big deal.
LORELAI: Oh, good.
JASON: Or you don't have to take it.
LORELAI: No, I'll- I'll take it.
JASON: I mean, I know how it is. You've got your keys on your ring just so, and then you put in a new one- it throws off the whole balance.
LORELAI: Well, if you think --
JASON: Or you can keep it.
LORELAI: You sure?
JASON: If you want.
LORELAI: I can go either way.
JASON: It's fine with me.
LORELAI: Well, which way?
JASON: Either way.
LORELAI: Well, I'll take it, [Chuckles] Okay? Thanks for the French toast.
JASON: Uh...thanks for the hand injury.
LORELAI: Anytime. Bye.
CUT TO THE BEACH
PARIS: Here- it's over here.
RORY: Whoa, how did we get a tent?
PARIS: Toby, again. Classic tip whore.
RORY: Which one's Toby?
PARIS: The one with the bandaged hand. He cut it setting this up. I popped him another sawbuck.
GLENN: Cool tent! How'd we get it?
RORY: Stay ignorant, Glenn. It comes with the oppressive guilt of the ruling class.
GLENN: Okay. Hey, Janet. I like your suit.
JANET: Thanks, Glenn.
GLENN: Hey...hot dogs.
RORY: Man, it is so loud out here. You never think of the beach as being loud.
PARIS: You do when there's a band of Huns re-enacting "Top g*n" in back of you.
GUY PLAYING VOLLEYBALL: Hey! Throw it back.
PARIS: No! [To Rory] What are you doing?
RORY: Putting a towel down.
PARIS: Don't.
RORY: Why? We have, like, a hundred towels in the room. There's so many towels, there's basically no room for us.
GUY: I need my ball.
PARIS: You need a couple of 'em, pal.
JANET: [Picks up ball & throws it back.] Here. Ignore her. She likes it.
PARIS: Rory, stop.
RORY: I'm not gonna sit in the sand, Paris.
PARIS: [Employees of the Sea Sprite come carrying table & chairs.] Over here. Great...okay. Thanks. Now, we're going to need a fruit plate in about an hour and keep the ice tea coming. [Looks at Rory] What?
RORY: Nothing but admiration here.
JANET: I'm going to go do my laps in the ocean.
RORY: You're gonna work out on spring break?
JANET: Exercise is a high. You should try it.
RORY: Sure. I'll meet you out there.
PARIS: Are you properly sun-screened? Ten minutes in the sun can cause irreparable skin damage.
JANET: And constant shoulder tension creates a hunchback.
PARIS: Fine, go. I hear melanoma is very in this year. Here, Casper, you better use this.
RORY: You're just lucky you got a fruit plate coming.
[Madeline and Louise pull up in lifeguard truck]
MADELINE: Rory, Paris! Oh, my God!
LOUISE: Hello, ladies!
RORY: Unbelievable. What are you guys doing here?
MADELINE: Spring break!
LOUISE: Actually we came for Tulane's spring break and just stayed.
MADELINE: We've been here a month.
LOUISE: They have great lifeguards.
MADELINE: I'm so excited to see you guys.
LOUISE: Paris, you missed a spot. I can see skin.
MADELINE: So, when did you get here?
PARIS: 2:00 this morning.
LOUISE: I love 2:00 in the morning.
RORY: You guys are having a good time?
LOUISE: Uh, way better than most other people.
MADELINE: We're very competitive.
LOUISE: It took a couple of weeks to get the right routine down, but now we own this town.
PARIS: The chamber of commerce must be thrilled.
LOUISE: I think the last place on earth I would ever expect to find Paris Geller is at spring break.
PARIS: Hey, I'm up for new things.
MADELINE: Okay, well then we have to make sure you do this right.
LOUISE: There are rules.
RORY: There always are in a civilized society.
LOUISE: First of all, it is very important to find the right hot club every night and it changes. What was hot last night is not tonight.
MADELINE: Also, adjust your sleeping patterns for maximum partying. Mid-to-late-afternoon sleeping allows the best all-night stamina.
RORY: Okay. You got that, Paris?
PARIS: Were we really friends at one point?
MADELINE: They do card at the clubs, but there's a million ways around it. Major flirting...
LOUISE: A sexy voice...
MADELINE: And, if all that fails, make out.
RORY: With who?
LOUISE: Each other.
PARIS: Excuse me?
MADELINE: We found that if we kiss each other, we can get anything we want from guys.
LOUISE: Free drinks, food...
MADELINE: T-shirts, boat rides, Frisbees...
LOUISE: Earrings, Seadoos...
RORY: Okay. Well, that is a good tip.
PARIS: Yeah, maybe later I'll pants you for an Altoid.
MADELINE: Hey, where are you staying?
RORY: The Sea Sprite.
MADELINE: That's cute.
LOUISE: We've made out there.
MADELINE: Louise, it's 1:00.
LOUISE: We've got to go get to bed.
MADELINE: We'll come see you tonight. [To lifeguard truck] Hey, guys!
LOUISE: How 'bout a lift?
RORY: I liked the pants-you-for-an-Altoid thing.
CUT TO LATER THAT NIGHT IN HOTEL ROOM.
RORY: Oh, my God, I'm starving.
PARIS: I can't believe what a great video store that was.
RORY: A little research before a trip never hurts.
PARIS: Pizza and "The Power of Myth"
RORY: A perfect evening. [Sees Paris checking the phone.] What?
PARIS: Nothing- just checking the messages, that's all.
RORY: Are you expecting a call from Asher?
PARIS: No, I'm not expecting a call. He's at a conference in Denver, so I'm not expecting a call. I mean, he knows I'm here, and I left him a contact number in case of emergencies, but not expecting a call. [Goes and puts movie in.] God, I love this. I've seen it four times.
RORY: Five.
PARIS: Seriously?
RORY: It was almost six, but my mom tried to be funny one day and hid it.
PARIS: I thought you and your mom got along?
RORY: Even we have our dark periods. [Looking & listening outside.] Wow, it sounds like quite a party out there.
PARIS: Yep.
RORY: I think someone just got thrown in the pool.
PARIS: I hope it's the guy who took my five bucks and never brought me a root beer.
RORY: This is a good song. Okay, I'm sorry, are we doing this right?
PARIS: Doing what right?
RORY: Spring break. I mean, we're in here alone with Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers, and everyone else is out there with...
PARIS: Everyone else?
RORY: Yeah.
PARIS: But...we love Bill Moyers.
RORY: Yes, we do love Bill Moyers. But we did come here for spring break, and I'm just wondering if we're not spring-breaking the way you're supposed to spring break.
PARIS: You're probably right.
RORY: I mean, if we're here, we should probably commit.
PARIS: Try to experience the entire event.
RORY: With other people, outside this room.
PARIS: Okay. Let's do it. Let's commit.
RORY: Okay. Starting now?
PARIS: Starting now.
MAN'S VOICE IN BACKGROUND FROM MOVIE: ...To explain the universe and their place in it. The 20 books he wrote or edited and have influenced artists and performers...
RORY: Tomorrow's fine, too.
PARIS: Absolutely.
CUT TO RORY, PARIS, MADELINE & LOUISE POOLSIDE.
MADELINE: I got $5 on the blond with the tattoo.
LOUISE: You always go for the tattoos.
PARIS: God, I'm starving. I haven't had anything but vending-machine junk. There's nothing around here. I would k*ll for something non-synthetic. [Gets splashed] Ohh! Perfect.
RORY: [Talking on cell phone]: Okay, forget I said "giant Q-tips." They're not hitting each other with giant Q-tips.
LORELAI: But now I can't get giant Q-tips out of my head. It's too powerful a visual.
RORY: I know, I'm sorry.
LORELAI: So how is it?
RORY: It's good so far.
LORELAI: Yeah, how good?
RORY: I haven't had a drink yet.
LORELAI: Okay, are you sure you weren't drinking, and that's why you think they're giant Q-tips?
RORY: [Watching Sean go by] Um...maybe.
LORELAI: Hello? What just happened?
RORY: Hmm?
LORELAI: You sound distracted. Did something cute just walk by?
RORY: Um...no. No, I was just trying to think of something better to describe the, uh, the giant Q-tips. So I'll call you later, okay?
LORELAI: No windows.
RORY: No windows. [Hangs up. Madeline and Louise stare at her.] What?
LOUISE: Excellent taste.
MADELINE: What's his name?
RORY: Whose name?
LOUISE: The guy you were just staring at.
RORY: I wasn't staring.
MADELINE: [Looks across the pool] Oh, no.
LOUISE: The twins.
MADELINE: God, they're everywhere.
RORY: So?
MADELINE: We can't compete against twins.
LOUISE: Especially once they caught on to the whole kissing thing. Let's find another pool.
MADELINE: We'll see you guys tonight.
RORY: Okay.
PARIS: Hey, why don't you go get us something at the bar?
RORY: What?
PARIS: Then you can go talk to that guy.
RORY: Uh, that's okay.
PARIS: Come on- go. Flirting seems to be a very big part of this spring break ritual, and I'm taken. I can't flirt. I have to live vicariously through you.
RORY: Well...
MAN ON LOUDSPEAKER: The banana-eating contest is about to start on the upper level.
PARIS: Oh, real food. Thank god.
RORY: Um...Paris. [Paris leaves.]
CUT TO POOLSIDE BAR
RORY: [To Sean] Hey, um, do you know what those things are called that they h*t each other in the pool with?
SEAN: No, I don't.
RORY: Oh, just wondering.
SEAN: Do I lose points for that?
RORY: No, no points lost.
GUY: Hey, Sean, man, come on!
SEAN: Comin'. See ya.
RORY: Oh, okay. See ya.
[Young men shouting]
PARIS: I must be crazy for thinking a banana-eating contest was about eating a banana!
CUT TO RORY, PARIS, MADELINE & LOUISE ENTERING CLUB
[The band The Shins are playing the club. Madeline & Louise walk up to a random guy, lick his hand with over 21 stamp and press it to theirs]
MADELINE: You guys want something?
RORY: Maybe later.
LOUISE: We'll be back.
[Cheering while The Shins play on stage]
RORY: Wow, quite a scene.
PARIS: Yeah, I guess we found the hot place tonight.
RORY: Yep, no one can sniff out the hip like we can.
PARIS: Okay, so, here we are. We should do something.
RORY: What?
PARIS: I don't know.
RORY: We could dance.
PARIS: Dance... okay, sure. Let's- let's dance.
RORY: Okay, let's dance. [Both start dancing.] This is fun.
PARIS: Yep. [Sees Sean in the background.] Hey, I think your husband's here.
RORY: What? Where?
PARIS: Why don't you go buy him a drink?
RORY: What, like a nice ginger ale?
PARIS: Well, maybe you could get Madeline and Louise to buy a drink for you, and then you could go bring it to him.
RORY: [As Sean walks off] Well, that was the shortest relationship ever.
PARIS: What?
RORY: He looked, he saw, he changed his mind.
PARIS: Sorry. [Looks around the club.] Okay, what is going on here?
RORY: What?
PARIS: Why is every single person in this place having a better time than we are?
RORY: Well, I don't know that they are.
PARIS: Look around. Every single person in this place is having a better time than we are. Why? I mean, we've been doing everything everybody else is. We're here, in the hot place.
RORY: So we're not great dancers. We did the hanging out at the pool part pretty well.
PARIS: We're not trying hard enough.
RORY: What are you talking about? This is not a test.
PARIS: We came here to do spring break, and we are going to do spring break.
RORY: Well, what else do you suggest we do? [Paris kisses Rory] [Rory squeals] What are you doing? Are you crazy?
PARIS: Well, Madeline and Louise do it.
RORY: Madeline and Louise wear their underwear outside of their clothes. I don't want to do what Madeline and Louise do.
PARIS: I just thought-
RORY: Just stop thinking, okay? Your thinking is very, very dangerous. [Starts to head for the exit]
PARIS: Rory...
RORY: Get away from me! You're not my type.
PARIS: Will you just wait?
RORY: [Stops] What?
PARIS: How was I?
RORY: What?
PARIS: As a kisser?
RORY: [Starts for the exit again] Oh, man!
PARIS: Well, I've always wanted to know, and you can't ask a guy 'cause that's a sign of low self esteem, which I've read is really not sexy. So tell me- how am I? Too stiff? Do I need to relax my lips a little, maybe open my mouth more, make it more inviting?
RORY: I need some fresh air.
SEAN: Hey. Where you goin'?
RORY: Um, outside.
SEAN: Can I come with you?
RORY: Oh, well...
SEAN: Maybe your girlfriend wants to come, too.
RORY: My girlfriend?
SEAN: I gotta tell you- that was some kiss.
RORY: Oh, my God!
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE.
LORELAI: So the movie was good. Nice to see Michael Caine working again. Which was sarcastic... 'cause he works a lot... constantly. [Chuckles] Never says "no" to anything, which can be risky, you know? Lowers your batting average.
JASON: Well, I'm glad you liked it.
LORELAI: [Sighs] Jason, you're making me work too hard tonight.
JASON: [Sighs] I know.
LORELAI: I mean, I wore the cute boots, you know? Do you see the cute boots?
JASON: Very cute boots.
LORELAI: Well, I've had a full night, what with the walking straight, the balancing, and the not yelping out in pain. If I'd known I'd also had to do all the talking, I-
JASON: I think I did it wrong.
LORELAI: You did what wrong?
JASON: The key that I gave you.
LORELAI: The key...to your apartment?
JASON: The key was supposed to say something.
LORELAI: So it's a talking key.
JASON: Look, you and I are hitting that point in a relationship where I usually break it off.
LORELAI: Oh, well, gee, should we get a cake?
JASON: Every single time with every other woman I've been involved with, this is about the time that I would...
LORELAI: [Sighs] Bolt?
JASON: I was gonna say "run," but "bolt" sounds much more masculine, so yeah, sure, "bolt."
LORELAI: Well, it's time to bolt. Okay, good thing you're not wearing my boots.
JASON: [Sighs] I don't think I'm doing this right, either.
LORELAI: No, no, you're doing it just fine. It's cold, so...
JASON: The other night I woke up and the timer went off in my head- "Hey, buddy, it's about that time." So I did what I always do. I thought about you, and I thought about us, and I thought about all the things that bother me, and I came up with nothing.
LORELAI: Nothing?
JASON: I went over it and over it in my head. That feeling, that "I want out" feeling- it wasn't there. What was there was the very strong sense that if I did...bolt... I might as well go out and find a pointy hat, a stool, and a classroom full of sixth graders, because I'd be an absolute idiot to screw this up. So I went out and made the key.
LORELAI: The talking key.
JASON: And I was hoping that the key would say that this is different, and that I want you in my life a lot more than you are now.
LORELAI: Wow. Well, I mean, it would have been more interesting to hear that from the key... it's definitely more romantic hearing it from you.
JASON: I'm gonna go take care of Mr. Caine for you now.
LORELAI: I would appreciate that.
JASON: Good night.
LORELAI: Good night, Jason. [Goes inside house, check answering machine]
LUKE: [On answering machine] Hey, it's Luke. I'm sorry to be calling you like this, but I was wondering if, when you get this message, you could come pick me up 'cause I need a ride. I'm in Litchfield, the corner of Mason and Pine. It's a big, white building. You'll recognize it by the police sign outside because, oh, hell, I'm in jail. Okay, there I said it. Long story. I'll tell you when you get here. Thanks... if you come. Oh, one more thing. I need to borrow a little money- 300 bucks. It's just a loan, and, oh, hell, it's for my bail. [Yells into background] I'm gettin' off now! Relax!
CUT TO POOLSIDE AT SEA SPRITE
MADELINE: I think the two of you would make a great couple.
RORY: No way.
PARIS: Why not?
RORY: You're way too high maintenance for me.
LOUISE: The whole place was buzzing about the kiss.
MADELINE: Even the twins were jealous.
RORY: Super, great. Love to hear that.
MADELINE: Who needs more? Everybody? Good. I'll be right back.
LOUISE: So, Paris, how's the Princeton man?
PARIS: Jaime and I broke up.
RORY: Paris has a different man now.
LOUISE: You do?
PARIS: I'm dating a professor.
LOUISE: Tenured?
PARIS: Ages ago.
LOUISE: [Chuckling] Well, Anna Nicole, look at you.
PARIS: He's brilliant, a writer, very distinguished, handsome. Don't you think he's handsome?
RORY: Handsome? Sure, very handsome.
PARIS: He's a real man. He's just so amazing. I still can't believe that we're together, you know?
MADELINE: I made them a little stronger this time.
RORY: Oh, cool, it will be fun to watch the cups dissolve.
LOUISE: Paris bagged herself an older man.
MADELINE: Oh, I love older men. They take you to the best restaurants.
PARIS: He went to a conference in Denver this week. He was so nice, you know- really excited about me coming to Florida. He thinks it's a good idea to hang out with people my own age. I kind of hoped that he would invite me to go to Denver with him but, you know, he didn't.
RORY: He had to work, Paris.
PARIS: I know, or he's sick of me.
RORY: No.
PARIS: Maybe he's going to dump me.
LOUISE: Mmm -- does he still buy you jewelry?
PARIS: He's never bought me jewelry.
MADELINE: He hasn't? How much money does he have?
PARIS: Asher isn't rich.
MADELINE: Not rich?
LOUISE: Oh, curiouser and curiouser.
RORY: You're just being paranoid. He wants you to have fun. And someone who wants you to have fun is someone who cares about you... both of you because there are two of you, and they're spinning.
[They all laugh.]
MADELINE: Good punch.
RORY: Just keep me away from any windows, please.
LOUISE: Whatever happened to that boyfriend of yours?
RORY: Who, Jess?
LOUISE: No.
RORY: Oh, Dean.
MADELINE: Dean, that's it.
LOUISE: How's Dean? God, he was gorgeous.
RORY: He's fine.
MADELINE: Is he still gorgeous?
RORY: Oh, yes. Definitely, yes.
LOUISE: You two aren't together?
RORY: No, actually he's married.
MADELINE: What?
LOUISE: Why?
RORY: Well, he met Lindsay, and they got married. She's pretty, blond, tall, leggy.
PARIS: Oh, good, just what the world needs -- another one of those.
RORY: She's nice, too.
LOUISE: Prediction...
MADELINE: She's psychic.
PARIS: Since when?
LOUISE: Since about six months ago. I think it's not gonna last.
PARIS: Two married 19-year-olds won't make it- boy, that's a risky bet.
LOUISE: I think it's not gonna last because he was way too in love with you.
RORY: No. But we've been broken up for a long time.
LOUISE: But he only had eyes for you, girlfriend- a deep, long, soulful Rory-eyes.
RORY: No, not anymore.
PARIS: You don't talk at all anymore?
RORY: No, we still talk. We're still friends.
MADELINE: Yes, you are. Cell phone friends.
LOUISE: You have your ex-boyfriend's number in your cell phone?
RORY: I told you we were friends.
LOUISE: First loves are very intense.
MADELINE: My mom's still in love with her first love. She tells my father that over and over and... oops, I think I just dialed his number.
RORY: Madeline, no!
MADELINE: Oh, my God, it's ringing!
RORY: Hang up!
MADELINE: It's his voice mail. Oh, sexy voice. Oops, I think it's gonna... it beeped.
MADELINE: Talk.
RORY: Dean, hi. [Laughs nervously] It's Rory. I'm sorry to call you like this, but we're on spring break... [Laughs] ...And, um, I don't know if you remember Madeline and Louise, but they're evil, and we were just talking about you. Um, hi. How are you? I'm gonna hang up now, so bye. Sorry, good-bye. [To Madeline] I'm going to k*ll you! Oh, my God, I'm so gonna k*ll you! It's going to be bad and death-like, and... I'm gonna go for a walk because this punch is starting to live up to its name.
PARIS: I'll go with you.
RORY: Don't move because I'm going to come back to k*ll you.
MADELINE: We'll be here. [Laughs]
CUT TO LUKE & LORELAI OUTSIDE LUKE & NICOLE'S APARTMENT
LUKE: There- my truck.
LORELAI: [Sighs] You know, Luke, you don't have to tell me what happened unless you want to. But I promise I won't ask you about it again... ever... in this lifetime or the next. You know, I'll just tell Shirley MacLaine, "Hey, look, back off, Shirl. If Luke had wanted me to know, he would have told me back in my other lifetime, and I certainly don't expect-"
LUKE: I wanted to see who owned the socks.
LORELAI: And did you?
LUKE: I think so. I just had a feeling tonight. Nicole was kind of vague on her plans, so I told her I'd stay at the diner. And then I drove up here, and I parked, and I waited. And then this car pulled up, and she got out with him. And, uh, they went inside, and I watched them go.
LORELAI: And you're sure he's the owner of the socks?
LUKE: Well, I didn't ask him, but he's the owner of the socks. And if he isn't, the picture's still not looking very good.
LORELAI: I agree with you there.
LUKE: Anyway, I sat here and watched them go inside. I had all these thoughts rolling around in my head. I mean, how could she do this, you know? In there- in our house. I mean, I... I put bookshelves up in there.
LORELAI: If it makes you feel any better, I don't think he's using your bookshelves.
LUKE: I suddenly just got so mad, you know, I lost it. I had to do something, so I got out and marched up to his car, and I kicked it.
LORELAI: You kicked his car?
LUKE: Oh, hey, I kicked it hard and over and over and over again.
LORELAI: Oh, you b*at up his car.
LUKE: And then, all of a sudden, these cops pull up, 'cause some busybody in the neighborhood saw some lunatic attacking a car, and, well, you know the rest.
LORELAI: Did Nicole see you?
LUKE: I don't know. I don't know what she and the sock man saw. It's just...[Sighs] God, I feel like such an idiot. I mean, suddenly I became like one of those guys that gets jealous and, you know, does crazy things.
LORELAI: Yeah, you weren't "like" one of those guys. You were one of those guys.
LUKE: [Snickers] Yeah, well...
LORELAI: Was there any damage?
LUKE: No. [Pauses, then gets out of the Jeep]
LORELAI: Luke... [She follows] Hey, Luke, where are you going?
LUKE: See? Nothing- not a scratch. Those stupid dent-resistant panels.
LORELAI: This is the car?
LUKE: Yes, this is the car. He sat there. She sat there. They got out there, walked up there. I jumped out there, ran up here, was handcuffed there, was driven off there. I went to jail. And you drove all the way up here to get me... and they are still in there!
LORELAI: Oh, Luke.
LUKE: I mean, I can't believe they're still in there. What are they doing?
LORELAI: Luke, come on.
LUKE: I know what they're doing. But even if you took one of those pills that they were hawking at the super bowl, you know, they should have been done in four or five hours, tops. I mean, that commercial said it all- "If you're still active after four hours, you should call a damn doctor."
LORELAI: Come on, why don't we --
LUKE: What are they, talking? Making plans in my house? Damn son of a... [Starts kicking the car.]
LORELAI: Luke...
LUKE: [continues kicking] You lying piece of sockless garbage! Why don't you take home my socks, too?
LORELAI: Hey, hey! Luke- Luke, you were busted already once tonight -- that's it.
LUKE: All right, I'm fine. I'm fine.
LORELAI: Are you sure?
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Pretty soon, that car's gonna start fighting back.
LUKE: I'm fine...really. I'm fine.
LORELAI: [Sighs] You know, Luke, I know I've never really been Miss "This-is-great" about your relationship, but I am- I am so, so sorry. You don't deserve this. You really don't deserve this.
LUKE: Yeah. [Sighs] I guess that's it.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Well, at least I finally got to see your house.
CUT TO RORY AND PARIS WALKING DOWN TO THE BEACH.
PARIS: Whoo, fresh air is good.
RORY: Fresh air is healthy.
PARIS: I'm feeling better.
RORY: Gotta sit.
PARIS: Me too.
RORY: What was in the punch? Did we ask?
PARIS: Nope.
RORY: Should we have asked?
PARIS: That's not what the cool kids do.
RORY: I'm loving the spinning beach. How about you?
PARIS: Oh, yeah.
RORY: So are we done?
PARIS: With what?
RORY: Spring break. Are we done?
PARIS: I don't know.
RORY: Well, let's go down the list.
PARIS: Okay, we came.
RORY: Check.
PARIS: We danced.
RORY: Check.
PARIS: We drank.
RORY: Check.
PARIS: We...threw up.
RORY: We didn't throw up.
PARIS: Give us 10 more minutes.
RORY: Right.
PARIS: Basically, we're done.
RORY: I feel like we have officially participated.
PARIS: We've experienced the entire social ritual.
RORY: I have absolutely no desire to ever feel this way again.
PARIS: Let's go home.
RORY: How? We're supposed to stay the rest of the weekend.
PARIS: Frequent-flyer miles, baby.
RORY: Cool peanuts. I'm in.
PARIS: Great. I'll call as soon as I can get up.
RORY: [Looking at ocean] What's that?
PARIS: What?
RORY: Oh, my God! Glenn! What happened to you?
PARIS: The last time we saw you, you went to get a hot dog.
GLENN: [emerging from the water] Hot dog? Hot dog. Hot dog. [Runs up the beach toward the hotel crazily.] Ahhhh! Ahh! Ahhhhhh! Ahh! Ahhhhhhh!
RORY: You gotta admit, it's been a pretty good trip.
CUT TO LORELAI [AT HOME] & RORY [AT YALE] ON THE PHONE
LORELAI: So I call this place where you were supposedly staying, and some punk at the desk tells me-
RORY: I said I was sorry.
LORELAI: "I'm sorry, ma'am, she's not here anymore." My-my-my heart flew out of my chest. And not just because he called me "ma'am." Which by the way, I hate.
RORY: I didn't mean to freak you out.
LORELAI: You don't take off without telling Mommy.
RORY: I love that I didn't have to clear it with you to go on spring break, but I had to clear it with you to come home.
LORELAI: I had visions of you being swallowed by a whale or taking off with some surfers to go chase the perfect wave and not inviting me.
RORY: It just got to be way too much fun.
LORELAI: Yeah? How much is "too much?"
RORY: I had a drink.
LORELAI: And?
RORY: Paris and I took turns throwing up.
LORELAI: That's the way you girls will find yourselves a husband.
RORY: It was fine- aspirin, tons of water, mac and cheese...
LORELAI: Ahh, my baby's discovered her first hangover food. I wish I had a picture to put next to your clay handprint.
RORY: I think I still have the box.
LORELAI: Send it to me. So how was it?
RORY: It was interesting, you know? We sat on the beach, went to a club, we watched "The Power of Myth," Paris and I kissed...
LORELAI: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You watched "The Power of Myth"?
RORY: [The other phone line beeps.] Hold on a sec.
LORELAI: I hid that from you!
RORY: Hello?
DEAN: Hey, Rory, it's me.
RORY: Hi, um, Dean. Hold on a sec. Mom, I have to call you back.
LORELAI: You did not spend spring break with Bill Moyers.
RORY: Bye. [To Dean] Hi.
DEAN: So, uh, I got your message.
RORY: Oh, yeah?
DEAN: Yeah. [Chuckling] It sounds like you were, uh, having a pretty good time out there. And I got a lot of questions. I even wrote a couple down. Are you ready?
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x17 - Girls in Bikinis, Boys doing the T"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Daniel Palladino
transcript by Patti Jo with assistance by Canopus
OPEN AT LUKE'S DINER
LORELAI: All right, Davey, here comes the airplane.
JACKSON: What did they say to kids to get them to open their mouths before there were planes?
SOOKIE: "Here comes the choo-choo."
JACKSON: And before there were trains?
LORELAI: "Here comes the spoon."
JACKSON: That's so on the nose.
LORELAI: One more bite, honey. Come on, now. Here comes the airplane again. It's flying through the air. It's beginning its descent. It's commencing its approach. It's lowering the landing gear.
LUKE: [approaches the table]. It's signaled the ground crew. They're flipping their flashlight thingies. Would you shove that in the kid's mouth?
LORELAI: Oh, look -- it's Bilbo Baloneypuss just in from the shire.
LUKE: Just hurry up and order.
LORELAI: What's the rush?
LUKE: I don't like babies.
JACKSON: [jumps to his feet] Hey! Huh. I suddenly felt violently protective. [pause] It's gone. [sits again]
LUKE: It's the noise they make.
LORELAI: This baby has not made a peep.
LUKE: He will and at the worst possible moment.
LORELAI: Like when you're defusing a b*mb or something?
SOOKIE: [gasps] That would be awkward.
LUKE: You've got one minute to order, then six minutes to eat.
LORELAI: Yessiree, come on down to Luke's, where the motto is "eat it, then b*at it."
LUKE: One minute.
[Taylor enters wearing a toupee.]
TAYLOR: Hello, all.
LORELAI: Taylor.
TAYLOR: Top o' the morning to you.
LORELAI: Top o' the -
SOOKIE: Yeah, on top there, you got the -
JACKSON: It's definitely -- it's a -
SOOKIE: Beautiful top. It's --
LORELAI: Top o' the morning right back at you. You were just on a cruise, weren't you?
TAYLOR: Yes, and it was heaven. The Caribbean -- ever been?
LORELAI: I'm sorry. What did you say?
TAYLOR: Ever been to the Caribbean?
LORELAI: God, I'm sorry. I missed it again.
TAYLOR: Never mind. Uh, Luke, I have an issue I need to discuss with you.
LUKE: Good -- something to write about in my diary.
TAYLOR: There is a distinct odor outside our establishments, and I have to assume it's coming from the diner.
LUKE: There's no odor coming from my diner.
TAYLOR: It wasn't there when I left for my trip. Where else could it be emanating from?
LUKE: I don't know. Have you checked underneath that thing on your head?
TAYLOR: I'm combing it differently.
LUKE: The comb didn't loosen the glue?
JACKSON: You know, I smelled something, too, but it was across the square.
SOOKIE: Me, too, over by the hair stand -- newsstand.
MAN SITTING AT COUNTER: I smelled it by Gypsy's -- horrible.
TAYLOR: So the whole town smells? How can that be possible?
LORELAI: It is an old town -- 200 years.
JACKSON: So, it's decaying from age?
TAYLOR: Or we've got skunks again.
KIRK: [from a nearby table] I think you're right, Taylor!
TAYLOR: Ten years ago we got infested. They crawled under houses, met their fate, and the town smelled for weeks.
KIRK: That must be it, Taylor! Good work. Good work!
TAYLOR: Thank you, Kirk. I'm going to have to mobilize the community. We've got the flower show coming up. We have to deal with this quickly.
KIRK: Let me go door to door and make sure every townsman looks under his house, Taylor. I'll even knock some heads together -- get medieval on their ass.
TAYLOR: That's a nice offer, Kirk, but the block captains will see it gets done. I better start making my calls. [leaves]
LUKE: [walks back to the table] Your minute's up. Order.
LORELAI: We're not ready.
LUKE: Then it's coming out of your eating time.
SOOKIE: Hey, get violently protective so Luke will back off.
JACKSON: I don't know if I can summon it like that.
SOOKIE: Try.
JACKSON: Argh-eee! Luke.
LUKE: In five minutes, you're all gone. [walks off]
JACKSON: [ Sighs ] I let you down.
LORELAI: The "argh" was good, and then you kind of petered out.
JACKSON: I need to practice more.
SOOKIE: You'll get it there.
LORELAI: Read, read. [glancing nervously at impatient Luke]
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN
[Michel and Dean are moving a bookcase.]
LORELAI: Try it against that wall there.
MICHEL: We've already tried it there.
DEAN: It's no problem.
MICHEL: No problem for you, but this is giving me cuticle damage. Do you know how long cuticle damage takes to heal?
DEAN: Thank God, no.
LORELAI: No, it doesn't work there either.
MICHEL: What an enormous shock. Anywhere else you want to try it -- maybe at the Lincoln Memorial on his giant lap?
LORELAI: How 'bout over there?
SOOKIE: Yeah, there.
MICHEL: I'm sending you my manicure bill.
DEAN: Yes, mine, too.
MICHEL: Don't be snotty.
TOM: [enters carrying clipboard] Seems a little out of place no matter where you put it.
LORELAI: Yeah, unfortunately.
TOM: If you'd ordered it from me, I would have guaranteed it. You didn't order it from me.
LORELAI: I know, we ordered it before we hired you. We should have waited.
TOM: It's always best to do it through your contractor. [exits]
DEAN: I don't think it fits here.
MICHEL: Oh, my God, I'm getting a blister.
SOOKIE: Hey, how about by the front desk?
LORELAI: We could give it a sh*t.
MICHEL: That's it! I'm jumping off the Amistad. This is heavy, my back hurts, I'm not moving it again.
DEAN: No problem. [grabs bookcase] I can do it. [carries to front desk]
MICHEL: It's not me. It really is heavy.
DEAN: You mean here?
TOM: They already tried it there.
SOOKIE: I think it's a lost cause.
LORELAI: We've got the Dennis Kucinich of bookcases.
TOM: I wish you'd gone through me.
LORELAI: I could just give it to Rory. She could use it at Yale.
LINDSAY: [enters from front door] Hi, everybody.
SOOKIE & LORELAI: Hi!
LINDSAY: Hi, Michel.
MICHEL: Hi, Lindsay. [standing slightly hunched]
LINDSAY: Are you okay? You're standing kind of funny.
MICHEL: It's nothing funny. It is how you stand in these pants.
[Lindsay walks over to Dean]
LINDAY: Keys, please.
DEAN: You got it. [They kiss.]
[Sookie and Lorelai watch from afar]
LORELAI: Annette and Frankie really found each other.
SOOKIE: They float together. Y'know, they just sort of float.
LORELAI: It's off-the-charts adorable.
MICHEL: [frowning] Yep. The Deans of the world always get the Lindsays. The pretty little things just like the bookcase lifters.
LORELAI: That's a category -- jocks, nerds, bookcase lifters?
MICHEL: I was born with this bad back. It was heretical.
LORELAI: Congenital.
MICHEL: Ugh! Well, I hate that bookcase. I wish you had never ordered it. I wish you had never thought of it. I can't even be in the same room with it, mocking me for how alone I am.
LORELAI: It's mocking you?
SOOKIE: It's three pieces of wood.
MICHEL: Well, I hate it -- hate it, hate it, hate it!
TOM: [appears] If you had ordered it from me, he wouldn't be experiencing this psychological trauma.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE DINING ROOM
LORELAI: I mean, they were extremely common until just recently -- historically recently, not recently like "metrosexual is a word now" recently, but recently.
EMILY: Are we still talking about anvils?
LORELAI: Yes, where did all the anvils go?
EMILY: You're talking about those big, heavy, metal things?
LORELAI: That blacksmiths hammered horseshoes and stuff on. Everyone had them. They were featured prominently in every movie western, so where did they all go?
RICHARD: I don't know that they were that common.
LORELAI: Wile E. Coyote used them. That's how common they were.
EMILY: Who?
LORELAI: The cartoon. He was always trying to drop an anvil on the Road Runner's head or sh**t it at him out of a giant slingshot or f*re it at him out of a cannon. Inevitably, the cannon tilted up, sh*t it in the air, it fell down, and made an anvil-shaped impression on Wile E. Coyote's head.
EMILY: This is a cartoon?
LORELAI: No, no, this just happened to me the other day. I was walking down the street, and this giant anvil -- yes, mother, it's a cartoon.
RORY: I know she sounds nuts, but it's a very common cartoon.
RICHARD: But that doesn't prove that anvils were so common.
LORELAI: It does. It proves that anvils were so ubiquitous at one point -- is that the word, ubiquitous?
RORY: It depends on where you're going.
LORELAI: That they knew that children would know what they were and delight in them. That's how common they were -- children watching cartoons.
RORY: That was the word.
RICHARD: I've forgotten your point.
LORELAI: Where are all the anvils? I mean, is there some sort of secret anvil storage facility the government is keeping from us?
RICHARD: Or they fell into disuse with the advent of other technologies, and so they melted them down and they're gone.
LORELAI: But they're not supposed to melt. They were made to withstand the red-hot hammer of the town blacksmith.
EMILY: This is easily the most pointless conversation we've ever had.
LORELAI: I don't hear anyone chiming in with rational theories.
EMILY: Please change the subject, I beg of you, anyone.
RICHARD: Well the girls don't know the big news about Jason and me.
LORELAI: You're pregnant?
RICHARD: We're acquiring another company.
LORELAI: I was close.
RORY: Already? You just started yours.
RICHARD: The insurance business is changing so rapidly, you have to adapt to keep up.
RORY: It's a dog-eat-dog world, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Don't get the wrong idea. It's not a big company. It's smaller than ours, but very powerful.
LORELAI: Wait, the company is smaller than yours? Your company is two guys -- you and Jason.
RICHARD: This company is a one-man operation -- Bob Sutton.
LORELAI: So, you're acquiring Bob?
RICHARD: We're acquiring his company, and his company is him.
LORELAI: Did he have to give himself two weeks' notice? [Rory snickers.]
RICHARD: No.
LORELAI: Is there gonna be a sad little going-away party where he brings in his own cake and blows out his candles?
RICHARD: We are all celebrating with a dinner tomorrow -- us and the wives.
EMILY: Ugh.
LORELAI: You're not big on the Bob?
EMILY: Bob's fine. We've known him for years. It's that dolt he's married to -- classic trophy wife.
RICHARD: She is quite young.
LORELAI: How young?
EMILY: Her car looks [high, squeaky voice] just like Barbie's.
RICHARD: Regardless, I hope you will be kind to her at dinner.
EMILY: I'll have to bring my English-to-dumbbell dictionary.
RICHARD: Try and focus on Bob. Bob's as sharp as they come.
EMILY: He's very brilliant, I'll give you that.
LORELAI: Bob's brilliant, huh?
RICHARD: He's a Rhodes scholar.
LORELAI: Ask him where the anvils went. …Or not.
CUT TO TAYLORS SWEETS SHOP
TAYLOR: And forty-seven cents comes to $5. Thank you, Mrs. Cassini.
MRS. CASSINI: Thank you. I don't know what it is about you, Taylor, but you look so healthy, so invigorated, so youthful.
TAYLOR: Thank you, Mrs. Cassini. [big grin] Must be the vacation.
MRS. CASSINI: Or the fake hair.
TAYLOR: [smile disolves] Come again, Mrs. Cassini. Tracy, change out the scoop water. It's an unsightly color. And tell Franklin when he gets here - [sees Kirk hovering] tell him that he keeps forgetting to punch out -- Kirk, something wrong?
KIRK: Well, I-I - [fiddles nervously]
TAYLOR: don't touch the candy.
KIRK: I'm sorry. I didn't want to touch the candy. It's just…
TAYLOR: Kirk, I just had a spat with my sourball distributor, and I'm not in the mood. Now, what's the trouble?
KIRK: It's eggs.
TAYLOR: What? What's eggs?
KIRK: In the square -- the smell. It's not skunks, it's eggs. Easter eggs from the Easter egg hunt.
TAYLOR: But Easter was over a week ago.
KIRK: And I did it just like you told me. I personally hid 300 eggs around the town square, and the kids had a blast hunting them down, except the Banyan boys. They're bad seeds. Going to hell -- both of them. But the kids only found 241 of them.
TAYLOR: Are you telling me that there are fifty-nine rotting eggs hidden in the square?
KIRK: I thought they would naturally decompose and just disappear.
TAYLOR: Eggs smell when they decompose.
KIRK: I just found that out. [Angry and speechless, Taylor walks away. Kirk follows him.] I find your hair very believable.
CUT TO EXCLUSIVE GOLF COURSE ON FAIRWAY
[Richard completes his drive with big swing.]
JASON: Nice sh*t. Beautiful!
RICHARD: You're being extremely charitable.
JASON: Oh, Richard, if I get that far on four sh*ts, it would be a miracle on the order of loaves and fishes.
BOB: Yeah, and I'm in the sand.
RICHARD: I don't think any of us are gonna make Tiger shake in his spikes.
JASON'S CADDY: I'd go with a driver or 3-wood.
JASON: Whatever is gonna make me look less like Dorf.
BOB: You know, my wife's very excited about the merger, Richard -- very excited.
RICHARD: Oh, do give Trish our best. Emily and I were just talking about her -- terrific girl.
[Jason swings and misses ball. Bob and Richard laugh.]
BOB: At least he held onto the club this time.
RICHARD: Now, it's hard to know whether he should yell "fore!" Or "duck!"
JASON: Why can't businessmen do deals over air hockey? I am great at air hockey. [A man approaches the group.]Oh, looky here.
RICHARD: Hmm? Your father?
JASON: One of the many hazards on this golf course.
FLOYD: I thought that was you. Groundskeeper must be unhappy that you're here today.
JASON: Aha. Divots -- I do produce a lot of divots. Good one.
FLOYD: Richard, nice to see you. [approaches and shakes hands]
RICHARD: Same here, Floyd.
FLOYD: And, Bob, didn't know you were a duffer.
BOB: More like spoiling a good walk.
RICHARD: You want to play through, Floyd?
FLOYD: Actually, I was heading back to the clubhouse, and you caught my eye. How's Emily?
RICHARD: She's fine.
FLOYD: Good health?
RICHARD: Very good. And Carol?
FLOYD: Fine, fine. You know, she really misses Emily -- misses her company.
RICHARD: And vice versa, I'm sure.
FLOYD: You couldn't drag those two apart at a function.
RICHARD: They were like conjoined twins.
FLOYD: I know she'd love to see Emily again.
RICHARD: I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
FLOYD: Well, then, perhaps we should get those two together.
RICHARD: Well, we could arrange that.
FLOYD: I can tell Carol to give her a call.
RICHARD: Any time.
FLOYD: You know, if it's a meal, we men could tag along if they'd let us.
RICHARD: That's a big "if," but that could happen.
FLOYD: Maybe Jason could tag along, too.
RICHARD: That would be a nice little gathering.
FLOYD: I'm out of town next week, but this Friday's free.
RICHARD: Friday would be perfect.
FLOYD: I hope it happens.
RICHARD: I hope so, too.
FLOYD: Glad to run into you.
RICHARD: Same here, Floyd.
FLOYD: Bob, Jason. [leaves]
RICHARD: [joins Jason] He wants to have dinner.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - KITCHEN
EMILY: Was it Carol's idea or Floyd's?
RICHARD: It's hard to say.
JASON: This is very good, Richard.
RICHARD: It was public. The whole club saw.
EMILY: But did he say that Carol had wanted it or that he had wanted it? [to Jason] What did you hear?
JASON: I was out of earshot.
RICHARD: Rapprochement with Floyd Stiles. Never in my wildest dreams.
JASON: And it came from him. Who saw this coming?
EMILY: Did he bring up Carol before or after he brought up the dinner?
RICHARD: I didn't have a tape recorder, Emily.
EMILY: I'll offer to host it here. I've got the perfect menu. Friday, right? So it's Lorelai and Rory, too.
RICHARD: Well, Friday was his suggestion. I wasn't in a position to counter.
EMILY: No, of course not. That's fine.
RICHARD: And he saw us with Bob, too.
JASON: And still he made the offer.
RICHARD: Acquiring Bob was a great idea.
EMILY: There'll be seven of us. That's an unbalanced table, but that's okay. Oh, this is wonderful!
RICHARD: Floyd wants peace.
JASON: So it seems.
[Richard chuckles.]
CUT TO RORY'S YALE DORM ROOM
[Rhythmic knocking on door]
RORY: [opens door] Dean.
DEAN: Surprise.
RORY: What are you doing here?
DEAN: Um, I come bearing gifts.
RORY: A bookcase?
DEAN: [carries it into dorm] Yeah, the one from the inn. Do you see what's going on out there?
[They both look into the hallway where Glenn struggles to drag a beer keg up the stairs.]
GLENN: [muttering to himself] Almost there, almost there. [breathing heavily as another student passes him on stairs] Thanks for the help.
DEAN: Should I give him a hand?
RORY: If he doesn't work for his inebriation, he won't appreciate it. There's a big party on Friday night. It must be for that.
DEAN: Yeah? You going?
RORY: I have two papers due, so I'll be in Stars Hollow avoiding the fray. I'll just have a brewski there.
DEAN: [ Laughs ] So, uh, which way's your room?
RORY: Thataway. [Dean carries the bookcase to her room.]
RORY: So, where did this come from?
DEAN: Well, your mom had it made for the Dragonfly, but it didn't fit, so she thought you could use it here. She didn't tell you?
RORY: Nope.
DEAN: Small.
RORY: Yes.
DEAN: There's no place to put this.
RORY: Yes again.
DEAN: What was your mom thinking?
RORY: That I have books, and that's probably the extent of it.
DEAN: Right. So, I guess I'll take it back.
RORY: I'm sorry you had to make the trip.
DEAN: No, it's okay. It's kind of nice seeing where you live.
RORY: So, are you on your way back to school?
DEAN: Oh, no, I'm just off from work. I'm actually gonna take a little break from that.
RORY: From what, school?
DEAN: Yeah, just for a semester or two, you know.
RORY: A semester or two? But I thought it was going so well.
DEAN: It was. It's just that Lindsay and I really need some extra money right now, and this job with Tom has been perfect.
RORY: Extra money for what?
DEAN: What do you mean? For life, things.
RORY: What kind of things?
DEAN: Well, um, Lindsay's got her heart set on having a townhouse by the end of the year, and we're kind of cramped where we are, so I think it's a good idea.
RORY: You do?
DEAN: Yeah.
RORY: I don't.
DEAN: What?
RORY: I think it's a horrible idea.
DEAN: It's just temporary.
RORY: Maybe.
DEAN: Rory.
RORY: A lot of people who drop out say that it's just temporary. It usually doesn't work out that way.
DEAN: I'm gonna go back.
RORY: I hope so.
DEAN: Have some faith, will you?
RORY: I just think this is a mistake.
DEAN: Rory, I'm married, remember? I have responsibilities.
RORY: You'll lose your momentum.
DEAN: I need the money.
RORY: Can't the townhouse wait?
DEAN: Jeez, lighten up.
RORY: I just think this is a really bad idea.
DEAN: Graduating from college doesn't guarantee you a job anymore. It's not like it was with our parents.
RORY: So you're not going back?
DEAN: You're twisting my words.
RORY: And you're just gonna work in construction?
DEAN: What, are you gonna get all elitist on me now?
RORY: We're friends, so I get to tell you what I think.
DEAN: Fine.
RORY: You should go to school.
DEAN: Great. Now you've told me three times. I get it. You don't need to tell me again, okay? [long pause] You want me to take this now?
RORY: Yes...no. Whatever you want.
DEAN: I'll take it now.
RORY: Fine.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
[A crowd has gathered.]
TAYLOR: Attention, please! Everybody, if I may!
KIRK: [yelling above the crowd's murmuring] Let's have some attention, people!
TAYLOR: We all know why we're here. There are fifty-nine rotting Easter eggs hidden throughout the square, and we've got to find them. I know what you're thinking -- what about the map, the careful, detailed map of where the eggs are hidden made each year to avoid catastrophes such as this? [Kirk stares at his shoes] Well, a map was not made this year, good townsfolk. One was not made. Now, this work is going to be exhausting and, yes, disgusting, but as my way of thanking you, help yourself to lunch at Doose's market, where everything in our prepared-foods section will be discounted 5%, 20% for our day-old sushi. Now, with the flower show due in three days, we have a clock on this, people, but when I look out at this fine group of volunteers, my heart races with pride. I see America, and I am proud. Now, are there any questions?
GYPSY: What's with the toupee? [crowd laughs]
TAYLOR: It's not a toupee.
GYPSY: And I'm blond and leggy.
TAYLOR: Are there any legitimate questions from anyone? [ man raises his hand ] Yes, Joe?
JOE: I'm Jewish.
TAYLOR: Well, that's swell.
JOE: Is it okay for a Jew to hunt Easter eggs?
TAYLOR: That's between you and your Rabbi. [Jackson raises his hand] Jackson, a question?
JACKSON: Toupee guy says what?
TAYLOR: What? [laughter from crowd] What are you laughing about?
KIRK: Jackson said, "Toupee guy says what?" Inspiring your understandable response of "what?" Thus soliciting their childish laughter. It's infantile and a total clam.
TAYLOR: Please report every found egg to me, and I will keep the running total. Now, good luck, and let the hunt begin.
KIRK: We won't let you down, Taylor, because not only are we gonna find twenty eggs within the hour, [voice raises louder] but we're going on to find twenty-five... and then thirty... and then thirty-five... and then forty... [at the top of his lungs] and then forty-five and then fifty until we find all fifty-nine and take back the square! Yeeeeee-ahhhhh!
JACKSON: Hurt your throat?
KIRK: [hoarsely] Very badly.
JOE: Found one!
TAYLOR: Fifty-eight to go.
KIRK: [ Hoarsely ] Good job, Joe. [proceeds to run madly through the crowd around the square]
CUT TO JASON'S TOWNHOUSE -- KITCHEN
JASON: Okay, dinner is ready when the cow moos.
LORELAI: Mmm. Okay. [carrying potted plant] How about here? [set plant under stairs]
JASON: Not there.
LORELAI: Why not?
JASON: It's dark.
LORELAI: Yeah, that's the point. It's a dark corner. The plant livens it up.
JASON: Plants need light.
LORELAI: They do?
JASON: It's the "photo" part of photosynthesize.
LORELAI: Oh, don't some plants just synthesize?
JASON: They really need the photo part.
LORELAI: None of the plants I ever had needed light.
JASON: Any of them live?
LORELAI: No. [brief pause] Whoa, insight!
JASON: Poor thing doesn't stand a chance.
LORELAI: Hey, so, you ready for Friday?
JASON: Ohh, dinner with my parents?
LORELAI: You haven't seen them in a while.
JASON: Well, I've seen Mom occasionally, but Floyd and I really haven't spoken since the great schism, not that Harry Chapin isn't dying to rise from the grave and write a song about us. I'm a little nervous.
LORELAI: Yeah, I get that.
JASON: And he's gonna call me "Digger." Oh, he loves calling me "Digger." And he has hated every girl I have ever dated.
LORELAI: Um, really?
JASON: Yeah, mom, too. It's some sort of reverse Oedipal thing. And not just the ones I pick. They set me up with a girl they loved, and as soon as they found out I liked her, they turned on her viciously. She moved to Alaska.
LORELAI: Why are you telling me this?
JASON: Just a heads up.
LORELAI: All it's gonna do is make me nervous, and it has.
JASON: They don't know I'm going out with you, so it doesn't matter.
LORELAI: Well, they'll find out eventually.
JASON: Well, impress them now when they don't know. Preempt their gathering hatred.
LORELAI: Unless they end up hating me retroactively.
JASON: Oh, I have seen that, too.
LORELAI: Tony Robbins has nothing on you. [walks into living room]
JASON: Sorry.
LORELAI: Ooh, how about here? [sets plant on chair]
JASON: On the chair?
LORELAI: Yeah, it's not a very comfortable chair.
JASON: How about I just get a new chair?
LORELAI: That'll work.
JASON: You know, in a warped way, you being nervous has made me less nervous.
LORELAI: So there's a bright side.
JASON: Not that that was my intent.
LORELAI: Good to know. [cow moos in background ]
JASON: Dinner.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW MAIN STREET
LANE: There was a death-to-disco movement in the late '70s -- very intense. We had Donna Summer on the run.
RORY: "We?" You weren't born yet.
LANE: I'm a kindred spirit.
RORY: Gotcha.
LANE: So where's the passion now, huh? Where is it?
RORY: There's disco to k*ll anymore. They wiped it out.
LANE: But there are other things that need wiping out -- phony rappers, most techno, alt country, Christian rock, anything fusion, classic alternative radio, where all they do is play the same Nirvana song over and over -- the Rubens, the Clays, the Clarksons. [they stroll past the center square where people still wander in search of eggs]
RORY: It's gonna be a bloodbath. What are they doing?
LANE: You smell that smell?
RORY: Yeah.
LANE: Taylor left Kirk in charge of the Easter egg hunt, and they didn't exactly find them all.
RORY: They lose the egg map?
LANE: They didn't make an egg map.
RORY: They didn't make an egg map?
LANE: I was just as shocked.
RORY: They always make an egg map.
CUT TO TOWN SQUARE
[Taylor patrols the square with Joe and Kirk following]
TAYLOR: Let's have the hourly report, Joe.
JOE: Well, you know -
KIRK: [interrupting] We found three more, Taylor.
TAYLOR: I said, "Joe."
JOE: We found three more, Taylor.
TAYLOR: That's not good! That is not good! More than half are still missing, and every minute we have people deserting the cause. [stops in front of tree] What's this?
JACKSON: There's a couple in the tree. [Gypsy assists Jackson while he prods branches with a long pole)
TAYLOR: You hid them in a tree?
KIRK: Oh, right.
TAYLOR: They're completely out of reach of the children.
KIRK: The others I hid for the delight of the children. These I hid for me.
TAYLOR: [sighs] Get them down. This is not good. We are losing men, and we are losing -
JACKON and GYPSY: [simultaneously] Hair!
TAYLOR: Time.
JACKON and GYPSY: [simultaneously] Jinx, jinx, jinx, jinx! jinx, jinx, jinx, jinx!
TAYLOR: [groaning] Oh, I miss the Caribbean. [walks off]
[CUTS TO DOOSE'S MARKET]
[Rory and Lane enter and wander aisles with shopping baskets]
RORY: So, what are we looking for?
LANE: Well, we still have no fridge, no stove, and no microwave, so nothing perishable, nothing that requires boiling water, and nothing that needs to be cooked.
RORY: I'm guessing the day-old sushi is out.
LANE: It was never in.
RORY: Beef jerky?
LANE: Definitely.
RORY: And protein bars.
LANE: Oh, I'm sorry. When did I win the lottery?
RORY: Protein bars are a luxury?
LANE: They are when you live with guys that eat ten of everything when one's the correct portion. Got to keep that proportion cost low.
RORY: Pretzels.
LANE: Perfect.
RORY: And, of course, the perennial Pop-tart.
LANE: Oh, load up on those.
RORY: Did I tell you that Dean stopped by?
LANE: Where, Yale?
RORY: He was delivering a bookcase for my mom. Hey, you want a bookcase? It's free.
LANE: I'll take it. So, how's old Dean-boy doing?
RORY: He dropped out of college.
LANE: What? You're kidding!
RORY: Says he needs money. How about marshmallows?
LANE: Sure, and throw in a Park Avenue mansion while you're at it.
RORY: Another luxury -- got it.
LANE: So, he's just working full-time?
RORY: It's such a waste. Dean is so smart. He can do so much more. Hey, melba toast.
LANE: Cheap, tasteless, and filling.
RORY: I'll grab a bunch.
LANE: And I'll get one bag of marshmallows so the boys can have a treat afterwards.
RORY: I'm mad at Dean about doing this, but I'm more mad at Lindsay. She's so selfish.
LANE: Women.
RORY: She's his wife. She should be encouraging him to go to school and think about his future, but, no, she needs a townhouse and a Rolls-Royce.
LANE: [incredulous] They're buying a Rolls-Royce? [they continue strolling down aisle]
RORY: No, but they are the townhouse, and he didn't even seem that excited about it. It's just Lindsay. I mean, why doesn't she get a job. [they turn corner] What does she do all day? [Lindsay stands in the aisle speechless. After a pause she stomps off and out of the store.] So, you think -- you think she heard?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk stumbles in looking dazed.]
LUKE: Kirk?
KIRK: That's me.
LUKE: You want something?
KIRK: Why?
LUKE: Well, you usually get something here. You're in the diner.
KIRK: Oh, yes.
LUKE: Kirk?
KIRK: That's me.
LUKE: You want some coffee?
KIRK: Yes, please.
LUKE: Your eyes are spinning in different directions.
KIRK: I've been up for one and a half days straight. I haven't done that since the "Petticoat Junction" marathon in '97.
LUKE: Right. Caught a little of that myself.
[He guides Kirk to a chair. Taylor enters the diner.]
TAYLOR: Luke, turkey sandwich on rye, please -- lettuce, tomato, cucumber.
LUKE: Coming right up.
KIRK: We're gonna do it, Taylor! We're gonna find those last twelve eggs!
TAYLOR: [ignores Kirk] Cole slaw, too.
KIRK: Every last one of them!
TAYLOR: And a pickle -- make it two.
KIRK: Joe and I can divide the square in two and sweep it clean till the job's done.
TAYLOR: I'm going to pay now and wait outside if you don't mind. [places sugar container on top of his money]
LUKE: I guess not.
KIRK: I'll take the east side, he'll take the west. That way we can --
TAYLOR: [slams sugar container on the counter] That's enough, Kirk!
KIRK: Hey, watch it.
TAYLOR: You're not satisfied that I'm suffering for what you've done to this town. You have to continue to personally t*rture me?
KIRK: We'll find the twelve!
TAYLOR: We won't find the twelve! You have brought disaster down upon us! Are you happy?!
KIRK: No.
TAYLOR: I left you in charge of things because I thought I could trust you, but you let me down. Now I have to cancel the flower show.
KIRK: No.
TAYLOR: I'm making the call tomorrow. The flower show is history.
KIRK: But we're only missing twelve!
TAYLOR: We have to find every last egg.
KIRK: Well, then, Joe and I --
TAYLOR: Joe just left for Cabala class. I have no men left.
KIRK: You have me left.
TAYLOR: I have no men left. [disgusted] I've lost my appetite.
[Taylor takes his money and leaves. Kirk looks forlorn.]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE PATIO
[Lorelai and Rory enter from the house.]
LORELAI: Hi, guys. Wow, love the heaters.
EMILY: It's not too cold, is it? We thought we'd start the evening out here.
RORY: It's nice. [They wander to sit near Jason.]
RICHARD: No, no. I'm not seeing the olives that Floyd likes.
EMILY: They're in the back on the right. Is this cart in the best place?
RICHARD: Move it back?
EMILY: Move it back.
JASON: [murmuring] They keep moving everything back and forth -- the cart, the heater, me. I used to be over there.
LORELAI: They're perfectionists.
JASON: It's like watching an ant farm.
RICHARD: Oh! I should go grab that gin that Floyd likes. I've got some in the freezer.
EMILY: Maybe it was better in the other spot.
LORELAI: Patio looks great, Mom, really.
EMILY: I guess. Where's that awful light coming from?
RORY: I think it's the moon?
LORELAI: You're not thinking of having the moon moved, are you, Mom?
EMILY: I suppose it will move on its own at some point. [looks at Lorelai] You look nice.
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: Why do you look so nice?
LORELAI: Because I knew this was an important night for you guys, I thought I would dress up a little.
[The doorbell rings.]
EMILY: They're here. Richard, they're here! [walks off]
RORY: You do look especially nice tonight.
LORELAI: What is with everyone? It's not like I'm always in dirty sweats fresh from slopping the pigs.
RORY: You know what I mean. You don't have that just-came-from-work look about you.
LORELAI: A girl can't dress up a little?
JASON: Your mom's a little nervous.
LORELAI: [shushes Jason] Ta-ta-ta-da.
RORY: Oh, right. You're meeting the parents. I actually had not put that together before. That's why you showered.
LORELAI: That's not why I showered.
[Richard, Emily, Floyd and Carol walk out onto the patio.]
RICHARD: Here we are!
CAROL: Oh, your patio is beautiful, Emily!
EMILY: Thank you, Carol.
CAROL: [to Jason] Hi, honey. [They hug.]
JASON: Hi, Mom.
RICHARD: Floyd, Carol, our daughter, Lorelai,
FLOYD: How do you do.
RICHARD: And our granddaughter, Rory.
FLOYD: Hello.
RORY: Hi.
LORELAI: We've met before, but a long time ago. Hi.
FLOYD: We remember you well.
CAROL: You didn't dress up for our benefit, I hope.
LORELAI: No, no. This is nothing weird.
RICHARD: How 'bout some beverages, everybody? Extra dry martini still your drink, Floyd?
FLOYD: Absolutely.
LORELAI: Same here, Dad.
RICHARD: And bourbon with a splash of branch water, right, Carol?
CAROL: Thank you, Richard. [looks around the patio] Oh, here, Emily. You've redone the patio. It's gorgeous!
EMILY: Don't you think?
CAROL: Oh, and those trees -- I love them. What are they?
EMILY: They're African. Come see.
[They walk off together. Jason, Lorelai and Floyd sit down with Rory.]
FLOYD: I'm trying to remember when we saw you last.
LORELAI: Ah, probably at camp.
FLOYD: Right, the day we came to pick up Jason. There was a talent show. You sang a duet with a pimply fellow.
LORELAI: "Crater Face" Cutler.
JASON: He's a litigator now. Very bitter man.
FLOYD: Well, the pimply fellow t*nk, but you were wonderful -- very charming.
LORELAI: It was from "Grease."
JASON: How Crater Face got his pimples?
LORELAI: No, my song -- "Summer Lovin'." I had to sit on his lap. It was very uncomfortable.
JASON: Crater Face had very bony knees.
FLOYD: [to Jason] And you did a dance with somebody, if I remember correctly.
LORELAI: Oh, yes, he cha-cha'd.
JASON: Well, thank you for bringing that up.
RORY: [to Lorelai] And thank you for never sending me to camp.
LORELAI: You were great. I liked when you and your partner knocked heads.
JASON: "Clubfoot" Cindy -- she married "Crater Face" Cutler. Beautiful children.
LORELAI: Huh.
RICHARD: Here are your drinks everybody. [approaches with drinks on tray, humming ] Uh, Rory, we left your soda inside.
RORY: Oh, I'll go get it.
FLOYD: I actually had a barbershop quartet at Yale. I was by far the weakest link. That reminds me. I have a story I've been dying to tell you ever since I heard it, Richard, about Herb Benson.
RICHARD: Oh, what's the rogue up to now?
FLOYD: Later. I don't want to bore the others.
RICHARD: I can't wait. Help me take the drinks down to the ladies?
FLOYD: Absolutely. Excuse us.
[Lorelai sighs.]
RICHARD: [in the distance] Alright, ladies?
JASON: [ Sighs ] Wow, look at that.
LORELAI: Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo together again.
RORY: [enters] Excuse me, Grandma.
EMILY: Yes, sweetie?
RORY: Elsa said to say that dinner's in fifteen minutes.
EMILY: Did she ask you to do some vacuuming, too?
RORY: Um...no.
EMILY: She sends my granddaughter out to do her job.
FLOYD: How many maids has Emily been through, Richard? We used to keep a running count.
RICHARD: No, I'm afraid western mathematical principles cannot accommodate such a task.
JASON: My father is in a particularly good mood tonight.
LORELAI: Very.
JASON: He's only said two passive-aggressive things to me since he got here, which is astounding for him. By the way, may I be the fourteenth person this evening to say how great you look?
LORELAI: It's the shower. I gotta try that more often.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE DINING ROOM
[Carol and Floyd share grandchildren photos with Emily and Richard]
CAROL: Oh, this is our grandson's first step. We were so lucky to have the camera ready.
EMILY: Oh, that's darling.
RICHARD: Oh, ho, ho. He's gonna be big.
FLOYD: He's gonna start on the defensive line for the Bulldogs in 2021.
CAROL: [giggling] Floyd has it all worked out.
LORELAI: I believe that's you very lovingly holding your nephew, who looks very happy in your arms.
JASON: I just told him I'd opened a no-load mutual fund for him. Tracks the S&P.
LORELAI: You sentimental fool.
EMILY: You know, I have some terrific pictures of Rory. I should go get them.
RORY: But, Grandma, I'm right here.
EMILY: I know, but you're so big now.
LORELAI: Slouch down in your chair for Grandma, honey.
RORY: You know, if it's okay, I actually thought I might leave soon.
LORELAI: She's got a big paper due next week and lots of reading.
EMILY: Oh, yes, Rory. We've made you stay too long already.
RICHARD: Oh, yes, go, go.
CAROL: Thank you for looking like you weren't too bored all evening.
RORY: Oh, no, I wasn't, really. It was fun. Bye, Grandma. [kisses Emily's cheek]
RMILY: [to Lorelai] You have to go, too?
LORELAI: Oh, no, we came separately.
EMILY: Good.
RORY: Bye, Grandpa. [gives Richard a kiss]
RICHARD: Goodbye, Rory.
FLOYD: Lovely girl.
EMILY: Oh, she's a doll.
RICHARD: Well, I think this is the perfect time for those who are so inclined to enjoy a cigar. [rises from table]
LORELAI: All right, let's f*re 'em up!
RICHARD: I meant the men, but would you like a cigar?
LORELAI: No, you guys go. Circle the f*re. Pound your chests. We'll be waiting.
RICHARD: Floyd, Jason. [exits]
JASON: Let's do it.
EMILY: Well, let's let Elsa clean up and maybe keep her job. The living room all right?
LORELAI: We can bring the coffee?
EMILY: I was going to pour brandy.
LORELAI: Even better.
CAROL: Ooh, let's go. Oh, this evening has been so wonderful, Emily -- the two of us together again.
EMILY: Yes, it has.
CAROL: All those horrible things that happed with the business -- now, let's not let business come between us again.
EMILY: All that ugliness is in the past now, so we don't have to worry.
CAROL: Yes.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE DEN
[The men are puffing on cigars.]
FLOYD: Smooth. '63?
RICHARD: '65. You can't get a '63 to save your life.
JASON: Still does the trick, though.
RICHARD: Oh, good port was as caught up in that ridiculous cigar boom a few years ago, remember?
FLOYD: Yes, yes.
RICHARD: Amateurs -- babes in diapers talking big in those cigar clubs, smoking Churchills down to the ring. Tobacco farmers harvested their crop green just to keep up with the demand.
FLOYD: If I remember correctly, you found a way to rectify the problem.
RICHARD: I couldn't get Hennessy's to put my favorite cigars aside for me -- this after twenty years of giving them my business.
FLOYD: Big mistake.
JASON: Love these kind of stories.
RICHARD: So I bypassed the bastards. I found their supplier. I swooped in and bought all of my favorites in bulk -- hundreds of boxes, cash on the barrel, so now Hennessy's couldn't get them.
JASON: Hundreds of boxes?
RICHARD: Oh, I couldn't have smoked them in three lifetimes, so I kindly offered to sell Hennessy's my excess supply. They leapt at it like dogs for a bone. And I made enough to pay for the boxes that I kept.
JASON: You're creative, Richard. It's one of your many strengths.
FLOYD: I'd say it's his main strength.
RICHARD: Who ever said an insurance man can't be creative?
FLOYD: It's one of the fallacies about what we do. People think it's dry, wooden, a bunch of automatons shuffling papers. On the contrary -- it breeds daily. It's life and death, what we do. [Richard nods.] It's a new drama every day -- almost Shakespearean.
RICHARD: "Richard III," "Macbeth."
FLOYD: What day doesn't necessitate courage, tenacity, and sometimes, like your cigar story, Richard, a little vengeance?
RICHARD: And that's all before lunch.
FLOYD: Our work is wonderful. I've always felt that way -- protective of what I do, protective of what I have.
JASON: I think my cigar is out.
FLOYD: That's why I'm suing you.
JASON: Dad.
RICHARD: You're joking.
FLOYD: I'm not joking. I'm suing your company. My lawyers will be contacting you Monday morning.
RICHARD: Floyd, you're not serious.
FLOYD: Richard, you didn't think I'd let Digger walk away with some of my oldest clients and not respond, did you? Are you that naive?
JASON: Dad, this is crazy.
FLOYD: You signed a noncompete clause with me, Digger.
JASON: And I didn't break that clause.
RICHARD: He didn't, Floyd. I studied Jason's contract, and only certain clients were off limits, and those remained off limits.
FLOYD: Alexander Barnes was off limits.
JASON: That was a social lunch, and you can't prove otherwise. You have no case.
FLOYD: Maybe, maybe not. But by the time the courts figure out the situation, I'll have buried you in legal fees. I know your financial situation, Richard. You can't survive a lengthy legal process.
RICHARD: So, this is just revenge, Floyd? Are we stooping that low?
FLOYD: You just described how strongly you felt about a bunch of cigars. How did you think I was going to feel about my business?
JASON: How did you know I had lunch with Alex, Dad? You have a private investigator tailing me?
FLOYD: This whole business is so distasteful, but what was I to do? I did what I had to do -- what Richard Gilmore would do. I think I should go now.
JASON: Don't -- Dad, don't leave. Call this off!
FLOYD: Sorry I didn't get to that anecdote, Richard. Maybe some other time. [exits]
JASON: Dad! [follows]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE SITTING ROOM
EMILY: Rory did come out and she was a beautiful debutante -- the h*t of the night.
LORELAI: She did so well, we had her go back in and come out again.
[loud voices approach]
RICHARD: Floyd, wait.
JASON: Dad, I will block the door if I have to.
FLOYD: I wouldn't suggest you do that, son.
EMILY: What is going on?
CAROL: I should get my purse. [She sets her drink down and rises.]
EMILY: Carol, no.
FLOYD: Excuse us, Emily. This is rude, but we have to go.
JASON: Mom, stay.
CAROL: It's too late, Jason.
EMILY: What's going on? Richard?
FLOYD: I apologize, for how this ended.
RICHARD: We are not unprepared for a fight. We are capitalized.
FLOYD: Only because you put your pension up as collateral on all your loans, Richard.
RICHARD: How did you -
FLOYD: It's a small community, our community. Endangering your pension, Richard -- it's reckless.
JASON: Which PI did you have on me? Paluso, I assume?
FLOYD: He's the best. He gets everything. It's how I found out your daughter is dating my son.
EMILY: That's not true.
[Richard looks at Lorelai]
FLOYD: Sorry we spoiled your secret, son. We'll see ourselves out. Come on, Carol.
JASON: Dad, wait! Richard, Emily, this isn't gonna happen, period. It will resolve quickly and in our favor. Excuse me. Dad! [dashes off] Okay, now, forgetting the insufferable way that you presented this subject --[becoming more faint]
[There is a long uncomfortable silence until Jason returns.]
RICHARD: We need to talk. [He exits with Jason following.]
EMILY: You brought your own car, didn't you?
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY: You don't need to stay. You can go.
LORELAI: I'm blocked in.
EMILY: Oh.
[Another long silence. Emily eventually walks off leaving Lorelai alone.]
CUT TO DEN
JASON: Richard, you have every right to be angry.
RICHARD: Oh, you're damn right I do. To be humiliated like this in my own house?!
JASON: It was unconscionable.
RICHARD: Why didn't you see this coming?
JASON: You know him, Richard. He doesn't show his hand. He sweet-talked us on the golf course, got himself invited to dinner. The man is a sociopath!
RICHARD: Tell me if you've done anything -- anything illegal.
JASON: Nothing, Richard, I swear to you -- nothing.
RICHARD: The lunch with Alex?
JASON: Social -- we're friends.
RICHARD: Why should I believe you?
JASON: Because I'm not stupid enough to do anything illegal or think that I could get anything illegal by you. I do push boundaries, Richard, but I never cross them -- ever.
RICHARD: How long have you been seeing my daughter?
JASON: Five months.
RICHARD: For five months you've been lying to me.
JASON: Yes, but it was a white lie. [Richard gasps] It was a timing issue. It would have complicated our relationship, yours and mine, and we didn't know if it would last, so we took a path. It was the wrong path, and I am sorry about that, too.
RICHARD: You've got a lot to be sorry about.
JASON: I do. My damned father. I should have seen this coming. As well as I know him, I keep underestimating him.
RICHARD: [ Sighs ] We both should have seen this coming.
JASON: I can make this go away.
RICHARD: How?
JASON: It's a bluff. You know my father. He hates giving money to lawyers, and this action is gonna cost him big.
RICHARD: That is true.
JASON: So we will counter sue. It's a wrongful lawsuit. We will make him pay.
RICHARD: Possibly.
JASON: And I will do anything to win back your trust, Richard. You have been so good to me. Please...let me try.
RICHARD: Okay. You've got my trust. Go get him.
JASON: Thank you, Richard. Thank you. And also, I'm gonna work on my golf game -- get it up to snuff so I stop embarrassing you around the greens.
RICHARD: [ Chuckling ] Yeah, do that.
JASON: Thank you, Richard.
[Door closes as Jason exits]
CUT TO EXTERIOR OF ELDER GILMORE HOUSE
[Lorelai attempts to escape tight parking in her Jeep]
LORELAI: [sighs as she move forward an inch] God. [sighs as she moves back an inch]
JASON: [approaches and talks through car window] I have a gigantic bottle of vodka at my place -- the largest bottle of vodka known to man.
LORELAI: But what will you drink?
JASON: Gin.
LORELAI: Let's go.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE - NIGHT
[Delirious, Kirk staggers though the square. He's still searching for eggs, still empty-handed.]
KIRK: Eggs. Gotta get the eggs. [He almost runs into a couple.]
GIRL: Whoa.
GUY: Whoa, buddy.
KIRK: Eggs. [He turns and frightens an old woman on the sidewalk.] Aaah!
WOMAN: Aaah! [She runs away.]
KIRK: Aaah! [He stumbles further and collapses to ground. He looks up and sees Luke standing before him.] Flower show's tomorrow. Flower show's tomorrow, and I can't find the last twelve eggs. [crying] I let Taylor down. He's like a father to me. I think he is my father.
LUKE: He's not your father.
KIRK: No, my father's my father, which means Taylor's my tailor. I wonder how much he charges to hem pants.
LUKE: He's not your tailor.
KIRK: I let him down! I let Taylor down. I let the whole town down. He won't like me anymore.
[Luke drops a plastic bag full of eggs on the ground before Kirk.]
KIRK: What's this?
LUKE: It's the last twelve eggs.
KIRK: The last --
LUKE: you picked some screwy places to hide them. Don't do that again.
KIRK: The last twelve?
LUKE: Tell Taylor you found them. Be the hero. [walks away]
KIRK: [climbs to feet] Thank you. Thank you! [shouting] I love you, Luke Danes! I love you!
LUKE: [muttering to himself] I'm stupid.
KIRK: [yelling loudly] I love you! I love Luke Danes! Love, love!
CUT TO INTERIOR OF RORY'S CAR - SAME NIGHT
[Rory is driving down Stars Hollow's main street. She slows to a stop when she sees Dean run out of an alley toward her car.]
DEAN: Hey. Come on.
RORY: What? Where?
DEAN: I want to talk to you. Come on. [Rory follows Dean into an alley.] I've been trying to call your cell.
RORY: I didn't have it on.
DEAN: I'm sorry, okay? I'm really sorry.
RORY: About what?
DEAN: I was a jerk at your dorm. I yelled.
RORY: You didn't yell.
DEAN: I got upset, and I shouldn't have.
RORY: No, Dean, I'm the jerk. Hounding you about school like that -- it all came out wrong. It's your life. It's your decision.
DEAN: No, I shouldn't have sniped like that.
RORY: I deserved it.
DEAN: You were concerned.
RORY: I want the best for you, and I think school is it. I still think that, but it's not up to me. I just don't want you to settle.
DEAN: Yeah, I know you don't. Sometimes it seems like you're the only one who doesn't. [ Sighs ]
RORY: I think Lindsay may have overheard me saying stuff at Doose's.
DEAN: Yeah.
RORY: I feel even worse about that. I've got such a big mouth.
DEAN: No, it's okay.
RORY: She must have been really upset.
DEAN: Kind of.
RORY: I didn't mean to hurt her feelings.
DEAN: She'll be okay.
RORY: She knows we talk, right -- that we're friends?
DEAN: She does now. She doesn't want me talking to you anymore.
RORY: Oh. Well, I guess that's understandable.
DEAN: I don't want that to happen.
RORY: I don't want that to happen either.
DEAN: Then it's not gonna happen.
RORY: Should you get home?
DEAN: Yeah.
RORY: Me too.
[Rory watches as Dean walks away.]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE HOUSE BACK PATIO - SAME NIGHT
[Richard stands by the fence with drink in hand. Emily joins him.]
EMILY: Is it true? Did you put your pension up as collateral? Are we in trouble?
RICHARD: It's going to work out, Emily. It'll be okay.
EMILY: You and Jason talked?
RICHARD: It's going to be okay.
CUT TO JASON'S TOWNHOUSE - SAME NIGHT
[On sofa, a tipsy Lorelai uses hand signals to a tipsy Jason.]
JASON: Uh, three words. Four words. Two words. Okay, you suck at charades.
LORELAI: We're playing charades?
JASON: Yeah, weren't we?
LORELAI: You're drunk.
JASON: You're drunk.
LORELAI: Don't drunk and drive.
JASON: I would not thunk it.
LORELAI: That's a fun game to play.
JASON: What?
LORELAI: The "changing words into funny words" game.
JASON: [ Sighs ] Oh, I'm sleepy.
LORELAI: Hey, you know, your father was terrific until the end.
JASON: Yeah, the end was kind of bad.
LORELAI: It's like falling 600 feet to your death. You know, it's fun the first 599 feet, but it's just the last foot -- total sucko.
JASON: Yeah, it's a bummer -- that last foot. But, you know, there is a bright side to this evening.
LORELAI: The moon?
JASON: No, but the moon was very bright. At least our relationship is out in the open -- no more hiding.
LORELAI: Yeah, no more hiding. I'll drink to that.
JASON: And I got Richard calm, and I'll work my magic, which is what I do.
LORELAI: Dad's head looked like it was gonna go full-out piñata.
JASON: It'll be okay. He and I are going golfing in a couple days. That always puts him a good mood.
LORELAI: Yeah. Your plant is d*ad. How did it die so quickly?
JASON: It may have been self-inflicted.
LORELAI: Poor thing. Are you okay, though? Am I being enough supportive? Reversed those last two words.
JASON: No, I'm fine. In a weird way, my father trying to destroy me is the first time I've ever gotten any real respect out of him.
LORELAI: Hmm. Cool. Clink. [glasses clink]
CUT TO SAME EXCLUSIVE GOLF COURSE ON FAIRWAY
[Richard completes his drive with a big swing.]
FLOYD: Nice sh*t! Beautiful!
RICHARD: Your charity is limitless
FLOYD: You're just warming up. You've always been a closer.
RICHARD: Too true. So, we're done with the broad strokes?
FLOYD: I believe so. I'll drop the lawsuit. We'll split the clients evenly. You'll come back to the firm -- have your own company under our umbrella.
RICHARD: And Jason is out.
FLOYD: Jason's out. You'll be returning a hero, Richard.
RICHARD: Hmm. Music to my ears.
FLOYD: Beautiful day today.
RICHARD: Beautiful.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x18 - Tick, Tick, Tick, Boom"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Sheila R. Lawrence
directed by Michael Zinberg
transcript by Patti Jo with assistance by Canopus
OPEN ON SIDEWALK OF STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai briskly walks down the street as Luke, also walking quickly, joins her.]
LUKE: Hey.
LORELAI: Oh, I left a tip this time. And I didn't put it under the water glass, 'cause I know you hate that, and I made sure it didn't touch the syrup, 'cause that makes it sticky, and I didn't leave the last dollar in pennies just to get rid of them.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: So, why are you running down the street yelling at me?
LUKE: I wasn't running. I was walking. I wasn't yelling. I was talking.
LORELAI: Oh, what did you say?
LUKE: "Hey."
LORELAI: Oh, hey.
LUKE: You are a lot of work.
LORELAI: No, you're a lot of work.
LUKE: You heading in there? [He indicates a store entrance.]
LORELAI: Yeah. I need stamps. You heading in there?
LUKE: Yep. I'm getting my divorce. [He reaches for the door.]
LORELAI: What? [She stops in her tracks, shocked.]
LUKE: Yeah. [He returns to stand before her.]
LORELAI: You're g-getting a mail-order divorce?
LUKE: These are the papers we had drawn up before. I just have to sign them.
LORELAI: And you're signing them in there?
LUKE: There's a notary in there.
LORELAI: Luke, that is a Mail Boxes Etc.
LUKE: So?
LORELAI: So, you buy envelopes at a Mail Boxes Etc. You don't get divorced at a Mail Boxes Etc.
LUKE: Why not?
LORELAI: Because, I don't -- it's not dignified.
LUKE: Well, crapping out in a marriage isn't that dignified, either, but I did that.
LORELAI: Luke...
LUKE: Look, I just want to get this over with. It's not a big deal. I just need to sign a piece of paper.
LORELAI: You're ending a marriage.
LUKE: I'm signing a paper --
LORELAI: -- that says you're ending a marriage.
LUKE: Please let me do this.
LORELAI: Why don't you go to a lawyer's office?
LUKE: I hate lawyers.
LORELAI: How about a friend's house?
LUKE: Dougie and Scooter are off at camp.
LORELAI: This is wrong.
LUKE: This is fine. This is practical.
LORELAI: Getting a divorce should not be practical.
LUKE: I only have 20 minutes until I have to be back at work.
LORELAI: A divorce should not be rushed.
LUKE: For someone who's never actually been through a divorce, you sure know a lot about it.
LORELAI: You should take a few minutes to think.
LUKE: I have thought. It's over. I know it's over. And all I have to do is go in there and sign this paper in front of a notary, and then it's officially over. I'm fine. Please, I'm begging you -- let me get divorced.
LORELAI: All right, then. Go ahead. [She solemnly looks down at the sidewalk.]
LUKE: Thank you. [He starts to move to the door then pauses, again returning to Lorelai who isn't following.] I thought you needed stamps.
LORELAI: I can get them later.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I just thought I'd give you some privacy.
LUKE: I'm not taking a shower -- I'm signing a paper.
LORELAI: I can come back later.
LUKE: Will you please get in there and buy your stamps?
LORELAI: Okay, fine.
LUKE: [He follows her inside.] Lots and lots of work...
CUT TO INSIDE MAIL BOXES ETC STORE
KIRK: [He pops up from behind the counter.] Welcome to Mail Boxes Etc. How may I help you?
LORELAI: You go ahead.
LUKE: I need to get something notarized.
KIRK: Terrific. We are happy to help you with all of your mailing and notarizing needs. I will need you to fill out your name and address, and then I will need a thumbprint.
LUKE: I know how it works, Kirk.
KIRK: You have a pen?
LUKE: I have a pen.
KIRK: [to Lorelai] What can I do for you today?
LORELAI: [gently] I can wait till he's done.
LUKE: She needs stamps.
LORELAI: I can wait till he's -
LUKE: Just get your stamps. [Lorelai tries to object.] Just get your stamps.
LORELAI: But - but, I -
LUKE: Oh, my God, the work. [He shakes his head and continues to fill out the form.]
LORELAI: I need stamps.
KIRK: Well, your timing is perfect. The breakfast-food series just came out last week. [shows sheet to Lorelai]
LORELAI: [She gasps with delight.] Look at the dancing toast.
KIRK: Aren't they a kick? And here is our cartoon series.
LORELAI: Hey, do you have any Lucille Balls left?
KIRK: Yes, I have some Balls. [Luke looks up and reacts unnoticed.] I'm sorry. Are you a fan of the '50s-slash-mid-'60s sitcom heroines?
LORELAI: I don't know. [eager anticipation] Am I?
KIRK: I think you are.
LORELAI: [gasps] "Bewitched?" I love "Bewitched."
KIRK: Me too. Dr. b*mb was a big influence on me.
LORELAI: Oh, my God -- Serena? I wanted to be Serena. With that hair...
KIRK: And the miniskirts...
LORELAI: And the groovy, psychedelic music...
KIRK: Did you practice the twitch?
LORELAI: Oh, who didn't practice the twitch? [giggles]
[Luke tries to concentrate and begins to look impatient]
KIRK: Tabitha was so lucky. And hey, what ever happened to her little brother Adam? I mean, they determined in episode 242 that he was a warlock, and then...
LUKE: I'm trying to get divorced here!
KIRK: Sorry.
LORELAI: [gently] I'm sorry.
[There's a long pause while Luke sighs and continues with the form.]
KIRK: [speaking quietly] Remember when Endora called him "Derwood?"
LORELAI: Shh. [She gestures to Luke, who is shifting impatiently.]
KIRK: Sorry.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai enters, approaches and sits at the counter where Luke is prying at a toaster.]
LORELAI: Oh man. b*at up the toaster again?
LUKE: This damn thing stopped working.
LORELAI: Could get another one.
LUKE: This one will be fine.
LORELAI: Sure -- as soon as it learns its place. You gonna go ten rounds with the coffee maker, or - [Luke is already pouring her a cup of coffee.] Ooh, thank you. What happened to your thumb?
LUKE: It's from the thumbprint yesterday.
LORELAI: I thought they had inkless pads now.
LUKE: They do, Kirk doesn't.
LORELAI: Right.
LUKE: [He resumes working on the toaster.] He hasn't even heard of them. He just uses the stuff that came in the notary kit he sent away for. I've been scrubbing my thumb for two days. I've tried soap, I've tried cleaning fluid -
LORELAI: Have you tried f*re?
LUKE: Now not only am I divorced, every time I look at my black thumb, I'm reminded that I'm divorced.
LORELAI: Sorry about your thumb.
LUKE: It's okay. I have another one.
LORELAI: Hey, you know what might make you feel better?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Handing me a cherry Danish.
LUKE: Well, it's certainly worth a try. [A cell phone in Lorelai's purse rings.] Out.
LORELAI: But I just got my coffee.
LUKE: Follow the thumb.
CUT TO OUTSIDE LUKE'S DINER ENTRANCE
LORELAI: Hello?
RORY'S VOICE: Who is this?
LORELAI: This is Lorelai Gilmore.
[Cut between Rory's dorm room and Stars Hollow outside.]
RORY: No, this is Lorelai Gilmore.
LORELAI: Ooh, "Gaslight."
RORY: So, you have my phone.
LORELAI: Yes, you left it in the kitchen. You know what that means, don't you? You miss Mommy.
RORY: Yes, or that the refrigerator was empty, and I ordered food.
LORELAI: Oh, that makes much more sense.
RORY: Just hold onto it for me? I'll get it from you next time I see you.
LORELAI: Okay -- ooh, hold on, hon. [A second cell phone rings and now she has a cell phone held to each ear.] Hello?
JASON: So, I'm officially taking the one hour I have off to go to the driving range to h*t golf balls to try to improve my sucky game, thereby redeeming myself in your father's eyes.
LORELAI: I like the use of "sucky" and "thereby" in the same sentence.
RORY: Hey, who's that?
LORELAI: It's Jason.
RORY: Tell him hi.
[Luke exits the diner and approaches holding Lorelai's Danish.]
LORELAI: Hey, Rory says hi.
JASON: Tell her hi back.
LORELAI: He says hi back. [to Luke] Hi.
LUKE: This is a sickness.
LORELAI: Well, I'll be in in a minute.
LUKE: Who are you talking to?
LORELAI: My other two personalities.
LUKE: I'll bring this back inside. [He starts to leave.]
LORELAI: Wait, wait -- bite. [Luke holds the Danish out and she carefully takes a bite.]
LUKE: A frightening picture of things to come. [He goes back inside the diner.]
LORELAI: Did you talk to anyone yet?
JASON: I left a message for Dad. I talked to Mom, but she just had her morning Mr. Happy pill, so of course she was having a happy morning and was absolutely no help. But I'm on it.
LORELAI'S VOICE: A man on a mission.
JASON: That's me.
RORY: f*re!
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Nothing. I was just feeling left out.
LORELAI: Oh, sorry.
JASON: I figure, if he doesn't call me back by 4:00, I'll just go over there. Okay, I'm at the club. I'm gonna hang up now.
LORELAI: Call me later.
RORY: Me?
LORELAI: No.
JASON: No?
LORELAI: Not you.
RORY: Not me?
LORELAI: Uh, I'm confused. [She has both phones to her ears.] Who's hanging up now?
JASON: Uh, that would be me.
LORELAI: Good. Okay. I'll talk to you later. [to Rory] Jason's gone.
RORY: Finally had enough of you.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. It took three hours of my hula-dancing, Small World doll impressions, but I broke him.
RORY: So, how's World w*r III going?
LORELAI: Oh, you know, the first boys off the boat were mowed down, but the next platoon is moving in.
RORY: Which means?
LORELAI: Jason's making the lawsuit go away.
RORY: Have you talked to Grandma or Grandpa yet?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Have you tried to talk to Grandma or Grandpa yet?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: That's my little Kofi Annan.
LORELAI: Jason will fix it.
RORY: Jason's not their daughter.
LORELAI: Then he might have better luck.
RORY: Why didn't you just tell them that you guys were dating?
LORELAI: Oh, come on. You know why. We were going to tell them when the time was right. Of course, I had no idea we were dealing with the Carringtons. All we needed was a swimming pool and some ball gowns to really end the evening right.
RORY: This is unbelievable. I leave you people alone for one hour and all hell breaks loose.
LORELAI: Hey, let's talk about something happy. How did your paper turn out?
RORY: It sucked.
LORELAI: Why did it suck?
RORY: I just couldn't find the right hook. It didn't feel focused enough. I don't know. Professor Fleming's class is so hard.
LORELAI: Hon, I bet it was great.
RORY: You have to say that 'cause you're my mother.
LORELAI: Oh, no. I'm not. I've been looking for the right time to tell you.
RORY: Okay, I have to go now.
LORELAI: Yeah, me too. Danish calls.
RORY: Talk to parents.
LORELAI: I'm going to take advice from you after that paper you turned in?
RORY: Goodbye.
LORELAI: Goodbye.
CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT
[Zach and Brian are playing a video game while Gil sits patiently tuning his guitar.]
ZACH: Dude, come on... I want to do a heavenly prayer.
BRIAN: Hold on, I'm trying to do a Vulcan sting, and I just let you do a half-moon death combo.
ZACH: You didn't let me -- I used my soul charge.
[Lane, holding a notebook, enters and sits.]
LANE: Guys, the band meeting started ten minutes ago.
ZACH: We can hear and play at the same time, Lane.
BRIAN: What?
ZACH: What?
LANE: Okay, fine. I'm going to decide the set list without you. Hey, Gil, I think now would be a great time to add a little Matchbox Twenty to our sound, don't you?
[Zach turns to stare at Lane - giving Brian the advantage of beating Zach at the video game.]
TV: Necrid wins! [Zach stares at the TV in shock.]
ZACH: [with sarcasm] Thank you, Lane.
LANE: You're welcome, Zach. Okay, let's do this. The gig is Friday night.
GIL: Oh, hey, Lane. Who's taking care of the guest list? I need to put my wife down. We got a sitter that night, so we are free to party.
BRIAN: How many people are we allowed to invite? 'Cause my aunt Susan left my uncle Sid, and she's staying with my parents, and that means she's going to bring my cousin, Turner.
LANE: I'm sure that's fine.
BRIAN: He goes everywhere dressed like Zorro.
LANE: That still seems fine.
BRIAN: And he's 16.
ZACH: One less wedding you're gonna have to go to, my friend.
BRIAN: You don't know that.
ZACH: Here. [He hands Lane a folded paper napkin.]
LANE: What's this?
ZACH: It's the names of a couple chicks I met last night. Put them on the list.
LANE: I'm sorry -- why am I suddenly in charge of the guest list?
BRIAN: 'Cause you're the most reliable.
LANE: How very rock 'n' roll.
ZACH: Hey, wait. [He looks at another napkin from his pocket.] Is one of those names Dixie?
LANE: Yes.
ZACH: Wrong night. [He swaps napkins with Lane.]
GIL: I want you guys to see something. I've been working on the flier for the gig. [They gather around Gil.]
ZACH: Why is there a sandwich on it?
GIL: I used a flier from the sandwich shop to get the dimensions right. It's just a prototype. The real one won't have the sandwich on it.
LANE: So, would there be a picture of us where the sandwich is?
ZACH: Or we could put the band name where the sandwich is.
GIL: Just the name, I think. Diagonal. Across where the sandwich is.
BRIAN: Everyone needs to stop saying "sandwich." I'm getting hungry.
ZACH: Me too. Do we have anything to eat?
LANE: It was your turn to shop.
ZACH: Then no.
LANE: Great.
BRIAN: What kind of sandwich is that?
GIL: That's the meatball expl*si*n.
BRIAN: That sounds fantastic.
ZACH: I would dress up like Zorro for a meatball expl*si*n.
BRIAN: Why would those be connected?
ZACH: It would be like a dare.
BRIAN: I once ate cheesecake off the floor on a dare.
ZACH: Cheesecake...
GIL: Cheesecake would be good with the meatball expl*si*n.
LANE: Okay, fine. [She puts down the notebook and tugs on her jacket.]
BRIAN: Where you going?
LANE: I'm going to go to the store, and I'm going to get us some food so maybe we can get back to work. Okay?
ZACH: Thanks, Mom.
[Lane crosses the street and notices a young Korean girl exiting her mother's house in the distance. From behind a tall shrub, Lane watches Mrs. Kim follow the young girl, slip a scarf around her neck and hand her an apple. Lane also notices the young girl is wearing her old sweater. Lane looks shocked then sad.]
CUT TO GOLF DRIVING RANGE
[Jason is not doing well.]
JASON: [muttering to himself] Yeah, sure, that's exactly what I meant to do. [He sees a familiar face walking by.] Hey, Owen, good to see you. [They shake hands.]
OWEN: Ah, yes. Good to see you too, Jason. [He quickly turns to leave.]
JASON: You know, I was gonna call you about the changes in those contracts I sent over.
OWEN: I'll call Richard about them tomorrow.
JASON: Okay, or -
OWEN: Goodbye, Jason.
[Puzzled, Jason watches Owen walk away.]
CUT TO DRAGONFLY IN LOBBY
[Michel leads a tour group around while talking about the inn.]
MICHEL: All of the woodwork was hand-carved by a union soldier that the owner, Mrs. Tinley, took pity on and nursed back to health. He got better, went off, slaughtered a few dozen Confederate soldiers, came back, and made the stairs. Nice story, yes? [The tour group follows Michel to the front lobby.] Yes, your American history is all over this inn. [He points through a window.] Oh, look, a deer. I think I know that little guy -- he was here for breakfast this morning. Creep up quietly. Take a better look. [He sighs as the group "oohs" and "ahhs" around the window. Michel turns to Lorelai, who stands behind the front desk.] I have these people in the palm of my hand. Travel agents are so easy. Are the horses washed?
LORELAI: They're washed.
MICHEL: Because I'm not bringing them out there to be disgusted by smelly horses.
LORELAI: Trust me. They've been hosed down with new-car scent. They're great.
MICHEL Okay, let's see -- they saw the deer, we released the doves, I've got the Stevens boy whitewashing the fence in short pants and a straw hat.
LORELAI: No one can manufacture a quaint, small-town moment like you, Michel.
MICHEL: [grins] Awww…
LORELAI: Ooh, travel agents coming back.
MICHEL: [His grin evaporates.] Ugh... [His smile reappears as he turns to the group.] Adorable, yes? Okay, let me show you the upstairs, the bedrooms -- [sniffs the air] Oh, what is that delicious scent? Why, I bet our amazing chef, Sookie St. James, is experimenting with her cookie recipe again. Why don't we sneak into the kitchen and see if we can convince her to give us a taste? Okay? Follow me.
MAN: Coming through! [Two men pass Michel carrying Sookie between them.]
SOOKIE: Coming through!
LORELAI: [gasps] Sookie!
SOOKIE: I'm okay.
LORELAI: What happened?
MICHEL: Did you make the cookies?
LORELAI: Is it your foot?
SOOKIE: I don't think I broke it. [She is grinning.] I didn't even hear a snap this time.
LORELAI: Oh, Sookie...
MICHEL: What about the cookies?
SOOKIE: Ooh, the cookies are on the counter. Caramel-marshmallow-chocolate-chunk.
LORELAI: Where are you taking her?
MAN: Dr. Su.
SOOKIE: Ooh, great. He's the best.
CUT TO OUTSIDE DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai hovers while Sookie settles in the company van preparing to ride to the doctor's office.]
LORELAI: Call me the minute you get there.
SOOKIE: Okay. God, I love having a kitchen again.
LORELAI: You put the doctor on so I can talk to him?
SOOKIE: I will. Hey.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: I'm back. [laughing]
[As the Inn's van pulls away, Lorelai sees Jason exiting his car and approaching.]
LORELAI: Well, this is a nice surprise.
JASON: Well, apparently this is a day for surprises.
LORELAI: Oh, what's the matter?
JASON: I spent the entire day trying to track down your father.
LORELAI: Do you want to sit or plant or...
JASON: I left messages at his house, on his cell phone...finally, I went to the office, and he wasn't there.
LORELAI: O-okay.
JASON: The only people that were there were two extremely uncomfortable looking secretaries who practically threw their back out trying to avoid eye contact with me.
LORELAI: Why?
JASON: Why? Yes. A good question. I asked myself the same thing. And then I got a call from Richard's lawyer.
LORELAI: What did he want?
JASON: To tell me that Richard's going back into business with my father.
LORELAI: What? Jason... no, my father wouldn't do that.
JASON: He did it.
LORELAI: No, that company forced him out.
JASON: And now they have welcomed him back in. He has his own boutique company under their banner, a big office, no overhead.
LORELAI: Well, there must be some --
JASON: and he is taking all our clients with him. I...couldn't believe it. I thought it was one of those crazy, not-so-funny, Billy-Crystal-At-The-Oscars kind of jokes, so I spent the last two hours calling every client I could, and they're all gone.
LORELAI: Oh, Jason.
JASON: The ones I brought in from my father's company, the ones I've brought in since -- all gone.
LORELAI: How could he do this? How could my father just take the business from you?
JASON: Oh, no, no, no. He left me the business, but without the clients, the business consists of some stationery, a coffee maker, and some rubber pencil grips.
LORELAI: I don't understand. Why would my father do that?
JASON: Because it's brilliant. It's perfect. He gets my dad to drop the lawsuit, he makes some extra cash, and he's sitting pretty. Makes perfect sense.
LORELAI: But he was your partner.
JASON: And now he's the guy running around town, bad-mouthing me. It is amazing. Your father has done a very thorough job. I've got nothing. He has ruined my reputation. What do I do now? I don't know. Move? Start over somewhere else? What? [He's pacing nervously.]
LORELAI: Well, you can't move.
JASON: Well, I have to work, and he's making it pretty impossible for me to work here. Oh, my God. I'm gonna end up in Houston.
LORELAI: Jason...
JASON: Where all the financial wash ups wash up. It's gonna be me and the Enron boys smoking cigars while their ankle cuffs beep in the background.
LORELAI: What can I do?
JASON: Nothing. I just needed to vent. I'm okay. Thank you.
LORELAI: Come in.
JASON: No, no. I can't. I'll call you later. [He gives Lorelai a quick kiss. Lorelai looks helpless as he leaves.]
CUT TO YALE BOOK STORE
[A large crowd is gathered listening intently to Asher Fleming reading from a book.]
ASHER: "I saw then what I had not seen before." [Rory enters and stands close to where a smiling Paris - who is also riveted to Asher's recitation - is seated.] "I saw the stoop of his shoulders, the lines on his face -- like a map of a country I had once traveled with him. I hoped these marks of age reflected wisdom, but I feared they were merely tokens, purchased with lack of sleep and the kind of artificial goodwill that's squeezed from a man in the public eye like oil from a rag.: [He closes the heavy book and crowd applauds. Sitting in front, a redhead wearing low-cut orange sweater smiles coyly at Professor Fleming.] Thank you. Thank you. You're very kind. [A tall slim brunette approaches and whispers in his ear. Paris' smile vanishes.]
BRUNETTE: [to the audience] Thank you, Asher Fleming, for that very moving excerpt from your new novel, "Jaglon." It is an absolutely electric book. Now, Professor Fleming has been kind enough to give us one hour, so if you'll just line up behind the table, you can get your book signed, and then take them over to the cash register to purchase them. [to Asher] If you'll just follow me.
ASHER: My pleasure.
[Rory joins Paris and sits down.]
PARIS: God, he was great. Wasn't he great?
RORY: He was very impressive.
PARIS: He is so commanding. I mean, it's obviously not necessary for a brilliant novelist to also be an extraordinary public speaker, but he is.
RORY: Yes, he is.
PARIS: And he's sexy as hell.
RORY: Teacher. Mine. Thanks.
PARIS: Look at all these girls, just flocking around him. They're so obvious.
[At the signing table, the redhead flirts with Asher.]
ASHER: Well, hello there.
REDHEAD: Hello Professor Fleming. I can't tell you what a thrill this is.
ASHER: Well, I'm -- I'm flattered.
REDHEAD: You're a genius.
ASHER: Am I? How delightful.
REDHEAD: I'm buying a copy for everyone I know.
ASHER: Well, then, you should meet some more people. You'll make my publisher's day. [The redhead giggles.]
PARIS: Who is she kidding? Like he can't see right through the multiple-book-buying ploy? I mean, what girl hasn't used that one?
RORY: God knows, I have.
PARIS: You want to go up and say hi?
RORY: No, thanks. You go.
PARIS: We won't be disturbing him. I'm his girlfriend.
RORY: It's okay. Really.
PARIS: Are you hiding from him because of your paper?
RORY: I'm not hiding. I just don't need to know how much it sucks before it's time.
PARIS: You might be over-reacting.
RORY: Oh. No. Smell that? What's that? Oh, yeah. I believe that's my paper. Thanks. I'll stay here.
[They watch the progress of autograph signing. The redhead stands nearby.]
PARIS: Oh please -- she's going to hover. Pathetic. Hey, did I show you this? [She opens her own copy of his book.] Look.
RORY: "To a wise, willful, wonderful woman."
PARIS: That's me. He dedicated it to me.
RORY: Wow, that's very nice.
PARIS: I know.
RORY: It's not very specific, but it's very nice.
PARIS: Well, what's he supposed to do, write my name?
RORY: Perish the thought.
PARIS: You know the situation.
RORY: I do.
PARIS: And as long as I know that the wise, willful, wonderful woman is me, who cares who else knows?
RORY: You're right. I'm sorry. I'm just stressed about my paper.
PARIS: Well, don't take your loser paper out on me. Is he out of water? I'm going to get him some water.
RORY: Paris, I'm sorry. The dedication's nice.
PARIS: Thanks. [She leaves while watching more girls hovering around Asher.] Oh, yes. Like they read.
[Rory walks toward the store exit as Doyle walks up.]
DOYLE: Well, this was a royal waste of my time. However, there were cookies. Here, hold some so I don't look like a pig.
RORY: You didn't enjoy the reading?
DOYLE: I wasn't here to enjoy the reading. I was here to cover the reading for the paper to go along with the review of the book. And then I arrive only to realize that every single available girl at Yale is here, including four of my reporters.
RORY: I'm not here on paper business. I'm here because I enjoy books and because I read books.
DOYLE: Please.
RORY: I do.
DOYLE: And Paris?
RORY: She's with me.
DOYLE: And Anna and Cassie?
RORY: Point, Doyle.
DOYLE: Everybody's here because Fleming's an intellectual dreamboat.
RORY: Well, I'm not here for the dreamboat.
DOYLE: God, that man. He's got a constant rotation going. A new girl every year. Very young, of course. Last year it was Trey Myers. God, was she beautiful. She looked like what I always pictured a Swedish stewardess to be.
RORY: Really?
DOYLE: Yep. Then they broke up at the end of the term, and she rebounded with a drama major.
RORY: So, any idea who he's seeing now?
DOYLE: Actually, no. This year's girl is a bit of a mystery. Maybe he's already broken up with one, and he's trolling for another. [scoffs] My money's on the redhead. [They both observe the redhead still loitering near Asher.]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE INTERIOR FRONT DOOR
[The doorbell rings. The maid opens the door for Lorelai.]
LORELAI: Hi. I'm looking for my father. Big guy, bow tie.
MAID: Mr. Gilmore's in the living room.
LORELAI: Thank you. [She enters the sitting room where Richard is seated reading a book.] Well, you're here.
RICHARD: Lorelai. I didn't know you were coming over.
LORELAI: I called.
RICHARD: Yes. Well, I haven't been in the mood to talk.
LORELAI: Well, we need to. [She sets her purse down on the coffee table.]
RICHARD: I felt like reading.
LORELAI: Why are you doing this, Dad?
RICHARD: Well, reading is good for you. You learn things.
LORELAI: Jason was your partner.
RICHARD: [inhales deeply] If we are going to discuss this, let's go into my office.
LORELAI: Jason was your partner, and he said he was gonna take care of it.
RICHARD: Lorelai...
LORELAI: Dad -- no, I'm fine talking right here. Jason said he was taking care of everything, and you didn't even give him a chance before you cut him out -
RICHARD: This is business.
LORELAI: No, you took everything from him, Dad. You're ruining his reputation. You're making it impossible for him to work.
RICHARD: I did what I had to do.
LORELAI: You didn't have to do this.
RICHARD: Well, thank you for your opinion.
LORELAI: That company was so horrible to you. They treated you like dirt, they forced you out, and you chose them over him?
RICHARD: I am not choosing anyone over -
LORELAI: I just don't understand why you would do this. Is it because of me? Are you taking this out on him because --
RICHARD: [raising his voice] Did you not hear what the man said? Did you not hear Floyd thr*at to go after everything your mother and I have?
LORELAI: Yes -
RICHARD: Everything I've worked for. This house, our livelihood.
LORELAI: There has to be something else you can do. [Emily appears unnoticed at the top of the stairs.]
RICHARD: Go home, Lorelai.
LORELAI: No, Dad, please... I'm -- I'm sorry that I lied to you about dating Jason, but you can't destroy him like this. [Emily moves closer to listen, still unnoticed.]
RICHARD: I'm hardly destroying him.
LORELAI: You took his entire business. You've left him with nothing. He's talking about moving. Leaving.
RICHARD: So what?
LORELAI: [incredulous] So? I'm in a relationship with him.
RICHARD: Then go with him.
LORELAI: You know I can't go with him. I have a business, I have a house, I have Rory. I can't just pick up and leave.
RICHARD: Well, then, you've made your choice.
LORELAI: Dad, stop it.
RICHARD: I am tired of this, Lorelai. You've shown absolutely no concern about what happens to me, what happens to your mother. The only thing you care about is what happens to your boyfriend. And the worst part of it... is that I never expected you to act any differently. [Richard walks off. Lorelai, looking crushed, picks up her purse to leave.]
CUT TO RICHARD'S STUDY
[Emily enters and approaches Richard, who is seated at his desk.]
EMILY: Is it really necessary?
RICHARD: Is what really necessary?
EMILY: Going after Jason like this.
RICHARD: I didn't know you were a fan of Jason's.
EMILY: I'm not. I'm just concerned.
RICHARD: What are you concerned about, Emily?
EMILY: It took us a long time to get Lorelai back into this house, and she is dating Jason.
RICHARD: What are you saying?
EMILY: I worry that if you do this, you'll drive Lorelai away again. And if she goes, Rory might go.
RICHARD: She lied to us. To you. To me.
EMILY: I am very well aware of what she did.
RICHARD: The last time I checked, you didn't care for being lied to.
EMILY: Don't be condescending. I don't like being lied to.
RICHARD: [pointedly] We can't control what Lorelai will do. Rory won't go away. I'm doing what I have to do. [He returns to his reading, ending their conversation. Emily stands for a moment silently thinking, then leaves without a word.]
CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT
[Lane is talking on the phone to Rory. The scenes cut from Rory walking on Yale campus to Lane's apartment.]
LANE: Who does she think she is? Just walking out of my house like she owned the place.
RORY: Your mom didn't just go out and get another kid.
LANE: Korea is where you go to get new kids. Ask anyone.
RORY: There has to be another explanation.
LANE: The explanation is -- I've been replaced.
RORY: You have not been replaced.
LANE: She was wearing my bunny sweater.
RORY: You hated that bunny sweater. That's why you left it there.
LANE: She also had my second-least-favorite scarf, and she was eating my apple.
RORY: What apple?
LANE: The apple my mother would have given me if I still lived there.
RORY: Which you don't by your own choice, might I add.
LANE: Now you're taking her side.
RORY: I'm not taking her side.
LANE: I've been replaced. Drop by when you're in town, meet your new best friend.
RORY: Lane...
LANE: Tip her well when she waits on you at Luke's. Head over to the church with her, share a pew.
RORY: Lane...
LANE: My mom has found a new daughter. I bet this one can needlepoint.
RORY: Look, I've got to go. Paris said I could use ten daytime minutes on her phone, and after that, her exorbitant prevailing rates apply, so I'll call you back when I get to my room.
LANE: Oh, wait, are you coming to the gig on Friday?
RORY: Gig? Yes. What time do you go on?
LANE: Eight o'clock. Which means 8:30.
RORY: sh**t. Friday night dinner.
LANE: Oh, I forgot.
RORY: I don't think I'll make it in time.
LANE: That's okay.
RORY: But I want to see your gig.
LANE: We will have other gigs. Of course, by that time the other Lane will be drumming in the band.
RORY: Well, as long as she's got a good downbeat.
LANE: Have you gone out for the pep squad yet?
RORY: I'll call you in a little while. Bye.
LANE: Bye.
CUT TO YALE HALLWAY
[Rory waits patiently while other students anxiously pull graded papers from a wall tray.]
RORY: Excuse me.
STUDENT 1: Oh, right. [He moves aside.] A B-minus. Oh, thank god.
RORY: Not bad. [She shuffles through the remaining papers.]
STUDENT 1: Are you kidding? A B-minus in Fleming's class is like... an "A" anywhere else in sane America. [Student 2 nods in agreement.] Let's celebrate. [They leave. Rory pulls her paper from stack and is startled to see "A - Excellent" written in red on the cover.]
CUT TO RORY'S DORM ROOM
[Rory is studying on the sofa while loud music plays loudly from above. She stands, grabs a nearby broom and bangs on the ceiling repeatedly. She also hears pounding on the front door and answers it. Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: College is loud!
RORY: Yes, it's part of our training. It's right up there with the bad food, the sleep deprivation, and how to hold your own hair while throwing up.
LORELAI: Awww. [She kisses Rory on the head as they walk to and sit down on the sofa.]
RORY: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: Inn stuff. I had to pick up hinges and doorknobs and faucets.
RORY: Oh, my.
LORELAI: And I figured, while I was in the 'hood, I'd drop this off. [She hands Rory her cell phone.]
RORY: Hey, thanks. [The music stops.]
LORELAI: You're welcome.
RORY: Hey, you didn't have to do that. You could have just given it to me at Friday night dinner.
LORELAI [chuckles] I could have.
RORY: Unless you're not going to Friday night dinner. [Lorelai sighs.] You're not going to Friday night dinner.
LORELAI: Rory?
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Things have gotten worse.
RORY: How could they be worse? They were already at worse.
LORELAI: Dad is going after Jason, and...it's complicated but it's really bad. And I went over there to try to talk to him about it, and he was horrible. He said awful things to me.
RORY: Like what?
LORELAI: Like things. It doesn't matter, but I -- I can't just go and sit there and make small talk and pretend that everything's okay.
RORY: Mom...
LORELAI: Because it's not okay.
RORY: You were mad, he was mad, you said some things...
LORELAI: No, Rory.
RORY: No. Now, I don't doubt that it was bad. You and Grandpa can make each other crazy, but maybe once he calmed down, he was sorry.
LORELAI: He is not sorry.
RORY: You could be wrong. Maybe if we go over there and give him a chance to make it right, he would.
LORELAI: Oh, boy, honey, you're living in fuzzy-puppy land.
RORY: Mom, it's really important to me that you don't back out of Friday night dinners. They're the only time that the whole family gets together. Sometimes it's the only time that I get to see you, and I like having it there. It's really important to me.
LORELAI: Rory, come on.
RORY: I'm serious. Please, just give him a chance to make it up to you. Please. I'll be there. I'll be your buffer.
LORELAI: [laughs] You will, huh?
RORY: Absolutely. They can focus on me, you can focus on me...
LORELAI: What about when he throws his glass of water in my face?
RORY: Then I will get very wet.
LORELAI: I'm holding you to that.
RORY: Yep. [The loud music from upstairs begins again. They both look up.]
LORELAI: Wow.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lane's bustling around behind the counter during a very busy customer rush.]
LANE: [calling into the kitchen] Caesar, I need a turkey burger, fries well-done, and I'm still waiting for that grilled cheese and tomato.
CAESAR: Patience is a virtue.
LANE: Light a candle, and tell it to the pope. I want my grilled cheese, pronto. [She grabs the coffee pot and prepares to make the rounds.]
KIRK: Excuse me, Lane?
LANE: Uh, yes, Kirk.
KIRK: I'm a little confused.
LANE: About what, Kirk?
KIRK: Well, I'm looking at this flier you gave me, and what exactly do you have to do to get the sandwich?
LANE: What?
KIRK: I mean, does everyone who shows up get a sandwich, or is it first come, first sandwich?
LANE: Oh, that's a mistake. The sandwich isn't supposed to be there.
KIRK: What are you saying?
LANE: I'm saying that's just a flier for our band. We're playing Friday at 8:30.
KIRK: So, there's no sandwiches.
LANE: No.
KIRK: Then, why would I go?
LANE: To hear some great music.
KIRK: Oh. Can I bring my own sandwich?
LUKE: Hey, Lane? [Lane approaches the counter where Luke is leaning.] I know it's time for your break now, but is it okay if I let Caesar take his?
LANE: He owes me a grilled cheese.
LUKE: I'll do it. He's gotta run to the bank or something. To be honest, I wasn't paying too much attention, 'cause he was bugging me.
LANE: No problem. [Caesar appears and hands Lane the grilled cheese plate.]
LUKE: Thanks.
[Lane looks out the diner window and sees the young Korean girl walking nearby.]
LANE: I'm taking my 10! [She plunks down the plate and rushes out the diner door.]
KIRK: [He looks at the abandoned plate on the nearby empty table.] That looks like it travels well.
CUT TO STAR'S HOLLOW SIDEWALK
[Lane rushes up to the girl and taps her on the shoulder.]
LANE: Hey.
KOREAN GIRL: [startled] Oh.
LANE: Who are you?
KOREAN GIRL: [Korean accent] Hi.
LANE: What are you doing here?
KOREAN GIRL: Where?
LANE: Why are you living in my house?
KOREAN GIRL: Your house?
LANE: That house right there. It's mine.
KOREAN GIRL: I'm staying there.
LANE: Why? Are we related?
KOREAN GIRL: I hope not.
LANE: How do you know Mrs. Kim?
KOREAN GIRL: I am exchange student from Seoul. I'm here for three months, and Mrs. Kim is my host.
LANE: Exchange student, huh?
KOREAN GIRL: Yes. Who are you?
LANE: I'm Mrs. Kim's daughter. She did tell you she had a daughter, right?
KOREAN GIRL: Yes.
LANE: Well, she does, and it's me. So, you can try whatever tricks you want. I will always be her daughter.
KOREAN GIRL: Why are you so mad?
LANE: Because you stole my life.
KOREAN GIRL: I did not steal your life.
LANE: You're living in my room. You're wearing my clothes. And don't tell me you always looked like that. [The girl starts yelling in Korean.] I'm not very crazy! [The girl continues speaking excitedly in Korean.] How would you like it if I moved into your house?! [Still yelling in Korean, the girl turns to leave.] Why don't you just go back home?!
KOREAN GIRL: Mrs. Kim…[Yelling the remainder in Korean, she runs back to Mrs. Kim's house.]
LANE: [calls after her] You don't have to feel sorry for Mrs. Kim! Mrs. Kim is fine! And give me back my sweater, and my second-least-favorite scarf!
CUT TO YALE CLASSROOM
[Professor Fleming concludes class with instructions.]
ASHER: On Tuesday, we'll continue our look at "Neglect of the Individual" as a hallmark of modern government. Be prepared to discuss Kafka's "The Trial." Yes, if, uh, if all goes well, it'll get very ugly. Thank you, everyone. [The class chuckles as they all rise to leave. Rory walks past Asher's desk on her way out.] Oh, very nice job on your paper, Miss Gilmore.
RORY: Oh, thank you. [She pauses.] You know, Professor Fleming, I was actually a little surprised by my grade.
ASHER: Were you? Well, you deserved it. You did good work.
RORY: To be honest, I don't feel like I did.
ASHER: Ah, a perfectionist.
RORY: No, I'm not a perfectionist. I just know when I do well and when I don't.
ASHER: You know, this sounds as if you're questioning your grade.
RORY: Well, maybe I am.
ASHER: Well, this is a first. Today alone, I've heard complaints from, uh... two "D"s, four "C"s, and an "F," but, uh, not from an "A." In fact, in 35 years of teaching, I've never heard from an "A."
RORY: I just want to be sure that the grade I got is... what I deserve.
ASHER: What exactly are you saying, Miss Gilmore?
RORY: Just that if the grade I got wasn't... legitimately earned, then I have no interest in it.
ASHER: Oh, how very noble of you.
RORY: I intend to earn all of my grades. I don't want any favors.
ASHER: And why exactly would you think that I'd be inclined to grant you any favors?
RORY: I'm not saying that you are --
ASHER: You're not? Oh, then I must have misunderstood this conversation.
RORY: I'm just saying that --
ASHER: Yes?
RORY: That I want to earn all of my grades.
ASHER: Yes, you've already said that.
RORY: No matter how many "wise, willful, and wonderful women" I know.
ASHER: Have you quite finished?
RORY: I suppose I am. [She turns to leave.]
ASHER: Oh, before you go any further, Miss Gilmore, let me assure you that I do not give grades that are not earned. I gave you an "A" because your argument was well-structured, your writing was clear and concise, and you drew a connection from Marsilius of Padua to Machiavelli to the modern age of media that PhD candidates would envy. In fact, no one else's paper was that thoroughly researched. Except for the other person who also got an "A." You did what was demanded, and you did it well. And I would seriously caution you not to question my grading tactics again.
RORY: Okay. Thanks for the "A." [She pauses at the door before leaving.] And the redhead has fat thighs. [Asher slams his briefcase closed looking a bit perturbed.]
CUT TO FRONT DRIVEWAY OF ELDER GILMORE HOUSE
[Rory is leading her mother toward the front door.]
RORY: Come on.
LORELAI: Hey, hey, there's no hurry. We're early.
RORY: Yes, but we're here, so we might as well go in and get it over with.
LORELAI: Okay, just relax, why don't you? I would like to stop and smell the roses if you don't mind.
RORY: Mom...
LORELAI: You're young. You don't understand these things. I'm old, I'm dying, I'm gonna smell a rose. Oh, I don't see a rose. I think there's one next door.
RORY: You're being a tad ridiculous. Come on.
LORELAI: [morosely] On a scale of one to a million, how awful do you think tonight's gonna be?
RORY: Well, how high a number did you think the walk up the driveway was?
LORELAI: Ugh. You know, I wonder which tact my dad's gonna pick tonight. I bet he goes with the silent treatment.
RORY: Or maybe...he won't.
LORELAI: Yeah, you're right. He might prefer the full-on, frontal as*ault. You know, just constant mental flogging right from "dingdong" through till "drive safe."
RORY: Well, at least he said "drive safe."
LORELAI: Oh, no. It wasn't him. It was the maid.
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: Or maybe Dad will be fine, and Emily will be on the att*ck. Yeah, a little good cop/bad cop if you know what I mean. Keep me on my toes. I won't be expecting that.
RORY: Except that you are. Ready? [She reaches for the doorbell.]
LORELAI: [She stops Rory.] Okay -- wait, just wait -- we can still leave.
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Rory... right now is the point in the horror movie where the entire audience is yelling, "Don't go in there."
RORY: I will be right beside you, okay?
LORELAI: Okay. But I'm telling you... if my dad gets ugly, I'm out of there.
[Rory pulls her hand from Lorelai's grasp, pats her arm reassuringly and rings the bell. Moments later Richard opens the door.]
RICHARD: Lorelai. Rory. You're early. [He is surprised.]
RORY: Yeah, no traffic.
RICHARD: No? Well, that's very -- uh, come in. [He appears distracted/]
CUT TO SITTING ROOM
[Lorelai and Rory follow Richard to the sitting room.]
RICHARD: Did you h*t much traffic? [He is animatedly jovial.]
RORY: Um...no. No traffic at all.
RICHARD: Well, good. Uh, nothing like an hour stuck in traffic to ruin your complete day.
LORELAI: Heh.
[The girls remove their coats and sit down on loveseat - unsure what to think of Richard's odd behavior.]
RICHARD: Should I take your coats?
LORELAI: That's okay. We can just put them here. [She settles her coat beside her.]
RICHARD: All right. Well, you're early, so I'm not quite organized yet, but, uh, shall we have some drinks?
LORELAI: Okay.
RICHARD: All right. [He bounces to the bar table.] There's no ice. Do we need ice?
LORELAI: Uh. [shrugs]
RICHARD: [laughs] Of course we need ice. There's some in the kitchen. I'll go get it.
RORY: Okay. [Richard exits.] He doesn't seem mad.
LORELAI: All depends on which definition of "mad" you're going with.
[Emily enters and rushes past them, toward the stairs with her coat and purse clutched in her arms.]
LORELAI: Mom...
EMILY: Lorelai. Rory. You're early. [She tries to hide her surprise.]
RORY: Um, yeah, we didn't h*t any traffic, so...
EMILY: Well, I-it's nice to see you. [She approaches and deposits her coat on the back of the sofa.]
LORELAI: Where were you?
EMILY: When?
LORELAI: Just now.
EMILY: O-oh, well, I had to run out to the store.
LORELAI: To get what?
EMILY: They were out.
RICHARD: Emily... the girls are early.
EMILY: I see that. Is that ice?
RICHARD: Yes. We need it to make the drinks. [He spills ice on the carpet.] Oh, sh**t.
EMILY: You should take the bucket into the kitchen the next time. [Her purse is still slung over her shoulder as she picks up scattered ice.]
RICHARD: Yes, that would've been the smart thing to do. Well, I was making drinks.
EMILY: So, uh, Rory, how is school? [She is animatedly cheerful.]
RORY: It's fine. Um, I just got an "A" on a paper.
EMILY: Oh, well, that's wonderful.
LORELAI You gonna let go of that purse, Mom?
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Well, you're holding pretty tightly to your purse there. You look like someone's Tante Flickman.
EMILY: Oh, well, I, uh, just...there. [She reluctantly sets the purse beside her.]
LORELAI: Okay.
EMILY: It's new.
LORELAI: The purse?
EMILY: Yes, it's new. I'm trying to break it in.
LORELAI: Sure. Otherwise, you'd get blisters.
RICHARD: Well, here we are. [He approaches with a full tray of drinks and passes them out.] Lorelai.
LORELAI: Thank you.
RICHARD: And soda for Rory. Emily? Well, good. [With an awkward pause, he moves to stand behind Emily.] Uh, so...Cheers.
LORELAI: Cheers.
RORY: Cheers.
EMILY: Cheers.
RICHARD: So, Rory, how's school?
RORY: Fine. I just got an "A" on a...paper.
RICHARD: Oh.
LORELAI: Has she told you about the traffic?
[The maid enters.]
MAID: Dinner's ready.
LORELAI: It is?
EMILY: [She checks her watch.] It's only just 7:00 now.
MAID: Oh, I'm sorry. What time did you want dinner? You didn't tell me, so...
EMILY: You know what? It's all right. We'll just eat now.
LORELAI: Now?
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: But what do we do with our -
EMILY: Just take your drinks to the table. [She rises to leave.]
LORELAI: [incredulous] Take our drinks to the -
RICHARD: Oh, I'll grab the cocktail napkins. [He rushes off to the dining room.]
LORELAI: But - Mom, you left your purse.
EMILY: Oh, yes.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: I was just kidding, Mom.
EMILY: [cheerfully] Oh, you. [She leaves the room.]
LORELAI: Uh, okay, so every time they ask you about school or traffic, just do a sh*t.
RORY: Shh. [They both rise to follow Emily and Richard to the dining room.]
CUT TO DINING ROOM
[They are all seated, eating in silence. The only noise is the sound of utensils clinking against china. Lorelai and Rory look around the silent table. The maid enters to clear Lorelai's plate.]
LORELAI: Thank you. [After a long silent pause while the maid clears the rest of the dishes, Lorelai clears her throat.] So, what's for dessert?
EMILY: We're not having dessert.
RORY: We're not?
EMILY: I-I'm on a diet.
RICHARD: Americans are extremely fat.
LORELAI: I think they prefer Rubenesque.
RORY: You're not fat, Grandma.
EMILY: Well, thank you, Lorelai. [Rory looks at Lorelai, who shrugs.]
LORELAI: She was close. [They all sit in silence at the long empty table.] Well, okay. If we're not having dessert, then… we should go?
EMILY: All right. [She tosses down her napkin and quickly rises.]
RICHARD: See you next Friday
EMILY: Thank you for coming.
RORY: Oh. Thank you for having us.
EMILY: Oh, wait. The Gordons' gave us some wonderful chocolate last week. They brought it back from Belgium. You can take it with you. [She exits to the kitchen.]
LORELAI: No, Mom, that's okay. We're fine.
RICHARD: These are really good chocolates, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I'm sure they are, Dad.
RICHARD: [calling out] Did you find them, Emily?
RORY: Grandpa, we can just get them next time.
RICHARD: [cheerfully] Oh, nonsense. You can eat them on the way home. Emily?
EMILY: Here they are. I've got them. [She hands each of them an elegant paper bag.] One for you and one for you. Enjoy.
LORELAI: We will. [There is a long pause as they stand awkwardly together in the dining room.] Okay, uh... we're leaving now. Have a good evening and get some sleep.
EMILY: All right. [Lorelai gestures to hurry Rory as they exit the room.]
RICHARD: Good night. [Emily waves. Neither of them follows Lorelai and Rory to the door.]
CUT TO EXTERIOR OF ELDER GILMORE HOME
[The door closes behind Lorelai and Rory.]
LORELAI: What the hell was that?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: Jack Nicholson and Angelina Jolie just kicked us out with parting gifts.
RORY: Dessert to go.
LORELAI: As much as the thought of an early end to Friday night dinner and dessert for the road appeals to me, that was just weird.
RORY: [She looks inside her paper bag.] She made a tin-foil swan.
LORELAI: What was up with the drinks and the dinner she knew nothing about, and where was she coming from, anyhow?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: She had to "run to the store." Since when?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: And she came back with nothing. Ooh, and the purse. Did you notice the purse?
RORY: They say people change as they get older. I just didn't think it was all in one week.
LORELAI: There is something wrong here. [She notices a car parked in the driveway.] Why is my mother's car here?
RORY: She was in a hurry?
LORELAI: My mother never parks her car in the driveway, because the car might drip oil and make a spot on the concrete, and then life as we know it would end. [She approaches the car and looks in the windows.]
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Just seeing what's in her car.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Because -- I don't know. I just feel like something's up. [She hears a noise.] She's coming.
RORY: Who?
LORELAI: Mom. Hurry. [She rushes to hide in bushes, pulling Rory with her.]
RORY: What are you doing? Good shoes, good shoes, good shoes.
[Emily exits the house with dry cleaning in hand and gets inside her car. The engine turns over.]
LORLELAI: She's leaving.
RORY: Where's she going?
LORLELAI: I don't know. She left her house with dry cleaning, and she drove off?
RORY: She was meeting friends?
LORELAI: Tonight? After dinner?
RORY: Maybe?
LORELAI: [sighs] I'm sorry. This might be crazy, but... is my mom not staying here tonight?
RORY: Well...
CUT TO STAGE OF ROCK AND ROLL GIG
[Loud music plays while Zach and Gil sing. Lane smiles while she plays the drums. The song ends with a big flourish. The crowd cheers loudly.]
LANE: Great gig! Awesome gig!
ZACH: [He grins at Brian.] You're starting to wheeze on the b*at, dude.
BRIAN: I've been practicing.
GIL: Man, I am feeling it. We have h*t the next level.
LANE: We have, haven't we?
GIL: You heard the crowd.
ZACH: Dude, what was with the shirt raise?
GIL: Hey, man, when I'm playing like that, there is no room for clothes.
ZACH: We need a sign, 'cause I was staring right at you when you took it off. I felt like putting a buck in your pants.
GIL: Hey, I wouldn't turn it down.
WOMAN: Brian, honey!
BRIAN: [He walks over to a table.] Hey, Mom.
BRIAN'S DAD: You kids were excellent.
BRIAN: Thanks, Dad. Hey, Aunt Susan. Hey...Turner.
TURNER: [He is dressed as Zorro.] Hey, Brian.
BRIAN'S MOM: I brought carrot sticks. You want a carrot stick, Brian?
BRIAN: Yeah, thanks.
[Gil, Zach and Lane still stand on the stage.]
LANE: He really does wear a Zorro costume.
GIL: I gotta go find my wife. [He leaves.]
LANE: I'm so jazzed right now. That was great! We have never played that good. [Zach and Lane sit on the edge of the stage.]
ZACH: You've never played that good.
LANE: Really? [Zach nods.] You've never given me a compliment, ever.
ZACH: What am I, your mother? [They both laugh.] Ew.
LANE: What? [Zach points to a corner where Gil is passionately kissing a slinky dressed woman.] Oh.
ZACH: Who is that?
LANE: I think it's his wife.
ZACH: Seriously, that is just wrong.
LANE: He should celebrate. We all should celebrate. Stay out all night, h*t the clubs, and talk about our Rolling Stones cover -- "Garden of Eden" theme.
[Two girls walk up to them.]
SHANNON: Hi, Zach.
ZACH: Shannon.
SHANNON: You remembered?
ZACH: I can read a napkin, sweetheart. [to the second girl] Nice pants.
GIRL 2: You're a god.
ZACH: And we shall discuss this further at the bar. [He puts an arm around each girl and they walks off together.] So, what did you think of the lyrics?
[Lane watches them leave, then glances over at Gil still making out with his wife in the corner. She wanders past the table where Brian's family is gathered and eventually sits at her drum set all alone.]
CUT TO OUTSIDE NIGHT IN STAR'S HOLLOW - AT "KIM'S ANTIQUES" DOOR.
[Lane slowly approaches the door, inserts her house key in the lock, and quietly enters. She opens her bedroom door and sees the young Korean girl sleeping in her bed. She sadly exits, pauses in the hallway, then moves to her mother's bedroom. Lane quietly enters and watches her mother sleeping peacefully. Lane gently kisses her mother's forehead and quietly leaves.]
CUT TO COFFEE SHOP IN HARTFORD
[Lorelai and Jason are seated at the counter.]
LORELAI: So, I spent all morning on the phone calling every hotel in the area with a decent high tea, and there she was. Grafton Hotel, room 421. Check-out date indefinite.
JASON: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: I can't believe my parents are separated. I mean, I dreamed about this as a kid. Of course, my scenario also involved my mother finding her inner Timothy Leary and moving us all out to a commune in Berkeley, but still... I was convinced that these people should not be together, but you know what? I was wrong. Richard and Emily Gilmore were made for each other. God, this is so...freaky. And I'm not supposed to know, and of course we won't talk about it, because we don't do that in our family. We repress everything, and we refuse to go to therapy, because why tell a stranger your problems, when you can use them to punish those around you? So, what now? Every Friday I'm supposed to pretend that they still live together, and then after we leave, my mother will get in her car and drive back to the hotel? The hotel. My mother's living in a hotel. It's weird. It's just incredibly weird. [sighs] I'm sorry. I just needed to vent.
JASON: You have every right.
LORELAI: I'm done now. There's nothing I can do about them, so... [sighs] Talk to me. You were gonna tell me something.
JASON: I'm suing your father. [Lorelai scoffs softly.] I have to, Lorelai.
LORELAI: No, you don't.
JASON: I've gone over it. I've weighed every option. I have to respond. I cannot just sit here and do nothing when my entire career is going up in flames.
LORELAI: Jason, please. Don't do this.
JASON: Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe he'll settle.
LORELAI: He won't settle.
JASON: It's just business.
LORELAI: Oh, my God. I'm so sick of hearing people say that.
JASON: You know I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to.
LORELAI: You don't have to.
JASON: If I intend to continue working in my chosen profession, then, yeah, I have to.
LORELAI: Don't be just a business guy. Put this on another level. Please.
JASON: I can't.
LORELAI: Unbelievable.
JASON: Lorelai... I have no choice. I have to fight back.
LORELAI: Jason...
JASON: I will keep you out of this. I promise.
LORELAI: [pauses] I can't be with someone who's suing my family.
JASON: Lorelai, come on.
LORELAI: I'm sorry.
JASON: You saw what your father did to me.
LORELAI: I know what he did to you.
JASON: And he is not gonna stop until there's nothing left.
LORELAI: I'm asking you not to do this.
JASON: Ask me something else. Anything else.
LORELAI: This is what I want.
JASON: You know how hard I work. My job is who I am. I can't lose everything. You have to understand why I'm doing this.
LORELAI: I do understand. But I can't be with someone who's suing my family.
JASON: Lorelai... [After a long pause, Lorelai quietly picks up her purse and walks out without looking back.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x19 - Afterboom"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino and Daniel Palladino
directed by Matthew Diamond
transcript by Jenna with assistance by Canopus
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks downstairs and opens the front door to pick up the newspaper. A cat is sitting on the porch. Lorelai goes to the phone and dials.]
RORY: Hello?
LORELAI: They know.
RORY:Who knows?
LORELAI: The cats -- they know that I've broken up with Jason and that I'm alone and they've decided it's time for me to become a crazy cat lady.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: There's a cat on my doorstep.
RORY: Well, that's better than a bun in your oven.
LORELAI: It's just sitting there, staring at me, like he knew this moment was coming. It's still there. Why is it still there?
RORY: Mom, it's a stray. It's passing through. It's hanging out. Relax. Move away from the window and go back to bed.
LORELAI: It's not fair. We just broke up. It just happened. I'm still young. It's still possible that I'm gonna have a successful relationship. You don't know. My eggs are still viable.
RORY: Are you yelling at me or the cat?
LORELAI: The cat. I think he flipped me off with his tail. I'm Babette.
RORY: Babette's not single.
LORELAI: Whose side are you on? Circle the wagons.
RORY: Sorry.
LORELAI: Everyone knows. They can see it in my face. "She's single again. She couldn't make it work again. She picked the wrong guy again." [to cat] Hey, do not lick yourself in front of me.
RORY: Mom, I need you to get a grip. You're tired, you're stressed out, and you're not seeing things clearly.
LORELAI: Oh, my God!
RORY: What?
LORELAI: There are two of them. They're not even easing me into this, those bastards. I give up. I guess I need to start collecting newspapers and magazines, find a blue bathrobe, lose my front teeth.
RORY: Well, obviously, you've got a busy day ahead of you, so I'm gonna let you go.
LORELAI: Yarn balls. I need to find some yarn balls.
RORY: Bye.
[Lorelai opens the front door.]
LORELAI: [to cats] Hey, I am a young, desirable woman.
CUT TO LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Lorelai is asleep. She wakes up and dials the phone.]
LORELAI: Michel, curtains. Tom, banister and mud-sink valve. [Tries to go back to sleep but dials the phone again.] Um...Sylvie, horse feed. Jackson, garden stone. Sookie, too much salt in gazpacho. [Sighs] Oh, boy.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is taking chairs off the tables when he sees Lorelai sitting outside the diner waiting for him to open.]
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I need coffee.
LUKE: It's 5:00 in the morning. Make coffee at your own house.
LORELAI: I did. I drank it all.
LUKE: You drank all the coffee in your house before five in the morning?
LORELAI: Big gulps, lots of sugar.
LUKE: Alright, get up. [Pulls her up and takes her inside.]
LORELAI: And just a little bit of cream 'cause it makes it cold.
LUKE: Keep moving.
LORELAI: [ Sighs ] I can't sleep. I can't turn my mind off. It keeps running and thinking and making lists.
LUKE: Maybe if you drank a little less coffee, you'd make a little less lists.
LORELAI: Oh, I can't stop drinking the coffee. I stop drinking coffee, I stop doing the standing and walking and the words putting-into-sentence doing.
LUKE: I'll make you some coffee.
LORELAI: [ Sighs deeply ] If I could move, I would hug you. In fact, in my mind, I am hugging you, and also, I'm telling the plumbers that there's no water pressure in rooms 10, 12, and 15.
LUKE: I'm making you some oatmeal.
LORELAI: I don't like oatmeal.
LUKE: You've got to eat something healthy.
LORELAI: Oh, man, I'm so completely stressed. I can't remember what I'm doing from one moment to the next. It's never gonna get done.
LUKE: It will get done.
LORELAI: No, it won't get done, and the inn won't open, and then I'll go broke. How do you do it?
LUKE: Do what? Go broke?
LORELAI: No -- run this place, handle all the stress?
LUKE: The place isn't stressful.
LORELAI: It's not?
LUKE: Well, actually, at this moment, it is a little.
LORELAI: Ohhh. Maybe I can't handle it. Do you think I can handle it?
LUKE: I already told you you could handle it.
LORELAI: When?
LUKE: Quite a while ago.
LORELAI: Did I believe you?
LUKE: Apparently, you didn't even listen to me.
LORELAI: Oh, hey. I want you to take a tour of the inn.
LUKE: Why don't I just wait till the place is repossessed? Then I can see it at public auction.
LORELAI: How can you be so mean to me when I only managed to line one of my eyes?
LUKE: I apologize.
LORELAI: Seriously, I want to give you an official investors tour. You should see the place. It's looking really good.
LUKE: I heard the water pressure sucks in rooms 10, 12, and 15.
LORELAI: What do you say?
LUKE: You eat the oatmeal, I'll take the tour.
LORELAI: Fine, I'll eat it. But I'm making a face the entire time.
LUKE: Looking forward to it.
[Kirk walks in.]
LORELAI: Oh, hey, Kirk. [Kirk stands beside Lorelai's table.] Something wrong?
KIRK: I wanted to sit there.
LORELAI: Seriously?
KIRK: Of course seriously. Why do you think I'm here this early? I wanted to get that table.
LORELAI: Every single other table in here is empty.
KIRK: Except the one I want.
LORELAI: [Sighs] Fine. [Gets up to move.]
KIRK: You have to understand that on days when Lulu is working, I have very little in my life.
LORELAI: I know, Kirk.
KIRK: This table is a small thing, but it makes me happy. It gives me a sense of power over my life, a little control in a world where very little is controllable.
LORELAI: Kirk.
KIRK: What?
LORELAI: I moved. Your table's free.
KIRK: Oh. Well...thanks.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
KIRK: Boy, the light over here is excellent.
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN
[Michel sits on the floor of the lobby.]
MICHEL: Is this your voice?
LORELAI: [on answering machine] Michel, curtains. Tom, banister and mud-sink valve.
LORELAI: [present] Yes, that's my voice. I left myself a couple of messages last night.
MICHEL: You left yourself 25 messages last night, and the funny thing is, you didn't listen to any of the messages. I listened to the messages.
LORELAI: Just hand them to me, please.
MICHEL: Every day that you breathe, you make my life harder.
LORELAI: Got a solution for you, Michel.
MICHEL: And when is the desk coming? I don't find the whole conducting-business-on-the-floor thing amusing anymore! I want a desk and a chair and a bell. Where the hell is my bell?!
[Luke walks in.]
LUKE: Hey.
LORELAI: Hi. You came by.
LUKE: You told me I had to.
LORELAI: I'm so glad you're here.
LUKE: Wow. The staircase is beautiful. Hey, Tom.
TOM: Luke.
LUKE: Yeah, nice work here. But you used glue. I thought with a banister --
TOM: Oh, are you gonna kibitz?
LUKE: What?
TOM: Guys who know a little about construction -- they build a birdbath, install a towel bar -- makes them think they know something, so they come in, they kibitz, offer a lot of free advice on things they don't know anything about. I got a low tolerance for that right now.
LUKE: I'm not gonna kibitz.
TOM: Okay. And stop touching my banister.
LORELAI: He won't let me touch the banister either. Hey, you want to see the kitchen? The stove is a thing of beauty. We're thinking of just ordering out for everything so we never have to use it.
LUKE: Great idea. And I wasn't gonna kibitz.
[Lorelai and Luke walk into the kitchen where Sookie is talking to a man.]
SOOKIE: Exciting, isn't it? [ Laughs ] Ohh. Lorelai, great. I've been looking for you. Hi, Luke.
LUKE: Hey, Sookie. Nice kitchen. Did you use the original tiles?
SOOKIE: I don't know. Ask Tom.
LUKE: Never mind.
LORELAI: What's up?
SOOKIE: Lorelai, I would like to introduce you to Shel Sausman. Shel, this is Lorelai Gilmore.
SHEL: It is really nice to meet you.
LORELAI: Well, it's nice to meet you, too.
SOOKIE: Shel is going to be our poultry supplier.
LORELAI: Oh, that's great.
SOOKIE: He sells only free-range, hormone-free, and he's recently divorced.
LORELAI: Oh, well, I assume that one doesn't have anything to do with the other.
SHEL: [ Chuckles ] You're funny. She's funny. You know, they say pretty women usually aren't funny because they never had to be. Were you a fat child?
SOOKIE: Um...I'm gonna go out and check with Michel on something, and you guys just talk till I get back.
LORELAI: Hey, uh, what do you need to talk to Michel about?
SOOKIE: Tablecloth supplies.
LORELAI: I can do that.
SOOKIE: Michel likes me better. Talk! Just talk!
SHEL: Listen, Lorelai --
LORELAI: Shel, have you met Luke? Hey, Luke...Get up! Uh, Shel, this is Luke.
SHEL: Nice to meet you.
LUKE: Yeah, you too.
LORELAI: Luke is my...special friend.
SHEL: Oh?
LORELAI: I have to tell you, renovating this place has been a real nightmare. I just don't know how I would have gotten through it without him. [Lorelai leans against Luke and forces him to put his arm around her waist.] Have I said thank you to you recently?
LUKE: Uh...no.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, thank you.
LUKE: You're welcome.
SHEL: Well, it was nice meeting you both. I'm just gonna go say goodbye to Sookie.
LORELAI: Oh. Bye, Shel.
LUKE: Bye, Shel.
LORELAI: [shoves Luke's arm away.] Don't touch my stomach.
LUKE: You put my hand there.
LORELAI: She's trying to set me up with Shel, the poultry guy? Why would she do that? I just broke up with someone.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: We'd been dating for a few months now.
LUKE: I figured there was someone in the picture.
LORELAI: You did? How?
LUKE: Just clues. You know, you never dressed weather-appropriate, that kind of thing.
LORELAI: Well I can bundle on up now.
LUKE: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: Cats came to my house today.
LUKE: Really.
LORELAI: Because they know I'm a loser and I'm destined to be alone.
LUKE: You're not destined to be alone. You have Shel.
LORELAI: Why is it so hard?
LUKE: What, relationships? Look who you're asking.
LORELAI: At least you got married.
LUKE: At least you had a kid.
LORELAI: It makes me sad sometimes. Does it make you sad?
LUKE: I don't know. Maybe.
LORELAI: Mm-hm. I see Dr. Phil books in our future.
LUKE: Unless they stock them at Home Depot, they're not likely to cross my path.
LORELAI: All this sad talk is putting a serious damper on my stressing.
LUKE: The place is great.
LORELAI: Do you think I can do this?
LUKE: I already told you you can do this, and I already told you that I already told you you can do this.
LORELAI: You're making me long for Shel.
LUKE: You'd never want for chicken.
LORELAI: Hmm.
CUT TO YALE -- ASHER FLEMING'S CLASSROOM
[Rory sits in class listening to the discussion.]
STUDENT: Isn't political writing just another form of propaganda?
ASHER: Absolutely not. Political writing confronts your assumptions.
STUDENT: Propaganda can do that.
[Paris appears in the doorway and waves to get Rory's attention.]
ASHER: No, it cannot. Propaganda merely reinforces what that person wishes to be told.
STUDENT: That means the definition is determined by the audience.
ASHER: That's one way of looking at it, yes.
STUDENT: You can't do that. You can't define literature in terms of the audience.
ASHER: Far be it from me to expect reason and common sense to triumph above youthful omniscience, so for today, we shall stop until next week.
[Most of the students gather their books and start leaving the classroom. A few stop in the front of the room to talk to Asher. Paris comes in.]
PARIS: Rory, hi.
RORY: Stop it.
PARIS: You know, I thought I would do some laundry tonight, and I don't quite have a full load of whites, so if you have some whites, toss them in.
RORY: I don't want to be your beard anymore, Paris. Why don't you just go talk to Asher?
PARIS: I don't take his class. People will get suspicious. [looks at Asher, who is still busy with students] Jeez. What, is he taking confession or something? [Rory turns to leave the room.] You can't go.
RORY: Paris, come on. You know, I'm not gonna be in this class forever, which means next year you're gonna have to find some other idiot to stand here until the coast is clear.
PARIS: That's alright. It's all going to be coming out eventually. Asher asked me to go to Oxford with him this summer.
RORY: Oxford? Really? Oxford? That's -- wow. Oxford.
PARIS: Yep.
RORY: So, this is really getting serious.
PARIS: Well there's now travel involved and as soon as news of the trip gets around, then I guess the secret is out.
RORY: I guess so.
PARIS: [sees Asher leaving] Oh, crap. Pretend you have to see him in his office.
RORY: No!
PARIS: You were confused on the last point he made.
RORY: No.
PARIS: You were gonna ask him after class, but Toby from "American Splendor" wouldn't stop yapping and you couldn't.
RORY: I feel my mouth moving, something's coming out and yet --
PARIS: Walk faster. We'll miss him.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW BOOK
[Luke pulls several audio books off the shelves and puts them under his arm.]
ANDREW: Did you find what you need?
LUKE: Oh, yeah. Fine. [Andrew reaches for the books] What are you doing?
ANDREW: I have to ring them up.
LUKE: I'll just tell you the prices. This one is $24.99.
ANDREW: That high?
LUKE: They're your prices.
ANDREW: Can I just see the book?
LUKE: I'm reading you the book. It says right here. [looks at the price again] Oh, wait -- that's the Canadian price. $14.99.
ANDREW: Will you just let me scan the book?
LUKE: When you scan the book, do you see the title?
ANDREW: Yes.
LUKE: Then no.
ANDREW: Luke, come on. What do you got there, p*rn?
LUKE: You sell p*rn?
ANDREW: No!
LUKE: You think I brought my own p*rn in here to buy?
ANDREW: I don't know what you're doing. I just need to scan the books.
LUKE: [hands Andrew some money] This should cover it.
ANDREW: A hundred bucks? That's way too much.
LUKE: Take it. [leaves but comes back to the counter] Bag.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke enters the apartment, locks the door behind him, and gets out a cassette player. He puts one of the tapes he just bought in it.]
MAN ON CASSETTE: Love!
LUKE: Jeez!
MAN ON CASSETTE: You want it? You can have it. And not compromised, stifling, soul-k*lling love, but open, honest, life-affirming love. But how do you get it? How do you get this love?
LUKE: If I knew that, what the hell would I need you for?
MAN ON CASSETTE: It's going to take work. It's going to take introspection. You're gonna have to learn new things -- how to be your own best friend, how to treat your damaged psyche with a little kindness, how to say, "hey, pal, you're worth it. You mean something to someone, and you deserve love." That is the key. If you crave love, then you deserve love. Say that to yourself. If I crave love, I deserve love. [Luke sighs deeply.] Now, how did that feel coming out? I'll bet it was hard. I'll bet you felt ridiculous. Some of you may even have been incapable of saying it at all. Try again.
LUKE: I'm not incapable. I just haven't been h*t in the head with the Oprah stick lately.
MAN ON CASSETTE: Trust me, my friend -- it will get easier, until one day, you turn around, and you are not alone. Ready to begin the journey? It's going to be one hell of a ride. Okay, let's go. Open up your workbook to page one.
LUKE: [opens his workbook] It doesn't get lower than this.
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN
LORELAI: You know Dean, we appreciate you working late all this week.
DEAN: Hey, I appreciate the extra cash. [starts to hang a picture] Oh. Uh...the wire snapped. I can fix it.
SOOKIE: [ Gasps ] He's like a superhero.
LORELAI: He's like Super Mr. Fix-it man.
SOOKIE: We'll work on a name.
LORELAI: Your tool belt would glow.
DEAN: I can't wait. [leaves to fix the wire]
SOOKIE: Hey, what did you think of the onion soup I made today?
LORELAI: Oh, it was good.
SOOKIE: Good enough for the opening?
LORELAI: No, no, no -- we have to serve your critically acclaimed zucchini soup for the opening.
SOOKIE: I know, but Jackson has some concerns about the zucchini crop, so I want to have a backup.
LORELAI: No, Sookie. We've got to serve the zucchini soup. People are expecting it. The zucchini have got to be there.
SOOKIE: Well then, I'll just tell Jackson he has to have them.
[Sookie and Lorelai turn as they hear Lindsay and Dean arguing in the next room.]
LINDSAY: Dean, come on.
DEAN: Lindsay, I'm working.
LINDSAY: Are you? Well, how shocking.
DEAN: What do you want me to do?
LINDSAY: We're supposed to go out with Erika and David tonight.
DEAN: I can't!
LINDSAY: So why would you say you could?!
DEAN: Lindsay, I told you, if there was a chance for some extra hours --
LINDSAY: Oh, come on!
DEAN: -- that I was gonna take it.
LINDSAY: We never do anything, Dean.
DEAN: We need money! God! You know that, Lindsay!
LINDSAY: You are so incredibly selfish. You never think about me -- never.
DEAN: You want a town house? You want a new car? We need money to pay for these things.
LINDSAY: I sit at home all day waiting for you. You never call during the day, like you always promise you will.
DEAN: God, Lindsay!
LINDSAY: I'm bored, Dean. Don't you care about that? I want to go out with my husband. Hello! We're married here!
DEAN: Well, I'll be done in a couple of hours. If you want to--
LINDSAY: I'm going out with Erika and David.
DEAN: Fine. Go. When will you be home?
LINDSAY: When I get home.
DEAN: That's nice, Lindsay. That's real nice.
LINDSAY: Whatever, Dean.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Luke is in his truck listening to his self-help tapes. He stops the truck but continues listening.]
MAN ON CASSETTE: Complete the following sentence -- I feel angry because...
LUKE: I am listening to this tape.
MAN ON CASSETTE: I feel hopeful because...
LUKE: This tape must end eventually.
MAN ON CASSETTE: I feel helpless because...
LUKE: I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass. [Liz runs up to the truck and knocks on his window. T.J. is with her.] Jeez. Hold on. [Luke stops the tape and gets out of the truck.] What are you doing here?
LIZ: Look how happy he is to see me.
LUKE: I just didn't expect it, that's all.
LIZ: Oh, my brother. You remember T.J., right?
T.J.: I'm still here.
LUKE: How you doin', T.J.?
T.J.: How am I doing? Huh. Lizzie, I don't know. How am I doing?
LIZ: He's doing great! 'Cause we're getting married.
LUKE: Married? Really?
LIZ: And we're doing it right here next week.
LUKE: Wow, that's fast.
LIZ: I know but we wanted to do it before the circuit got going so all our friends could come. It gonna be so beautiful. Wait till you see.
T.J.: You ever been to a Renaissance wedding?
LUKE: No, I haven't.
T.J.: Oh, it's great -- horses, costumes, really big turkey legs. You're gonna love it.
LUKE: Okay, you gotta slow down here.
LIZ: No way. You slow down and you die.
LUKE: When did this happen?
LIZ: Last week. T.J. asked me, I said yes, we made a few phone calls, and here we are, grabbing life by the ping-pongs, as T.J. says.
T.J.: Hey, there's gonna be a bachelor party, too. My brother's coming down, got a couple of friends dropping in. It's going to be a blast. You have to go.
LUKE: Oh, sure, if you want me to.
T.J.: Want you to? Of course I want you to. What are you talking about? I want you to be my best man also.
LUKE: You're kidding.
T.J.: Of course I am. You'd be like 800th on the list. But you can come to the bachelor party if you want.
LIZ: Are you happy for me? Say you're happy for me.
LUKE: Sure, I'm happy for you. Of course I'll go to your bachelor party.
T.J.: Good. Keeping up appearances that we like each other -- very classy for the wedding.
LUKE: T.J., come on.
T.J.: Okay, I'm going to get some beer. [He walks away. Liz and Luke start walking towards the diner.]
LUKE: Where's he going? He doesn't know where to go.
LIZ: He's got a nose for these things. Oh, wait till you see this wedding. Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. I'm wearing a white dress...
LUKE: That is unbelievable.
LIZ: Oh, stop it. It's about a zillion years old with flowing sleeves. I'm like Vanessa Redgrave in "Camelot." Seriously, I love myself in this dress.
LUKE: Sounds like a good dress.
LIZ: I'm so excited. I'm getting married...again.
LUKE: So, how are you gonna do this so quickly?
LIZ: Well, we're gonna have the ceremony right out there in the square. We've got our Renaissance Fair buds all pitching in. We got the Scotch-egg guy to cater it and T.J.'s gonna write the vows. You won't have to do a thing.
LUKE: Oh, sure.
LIZ: I swear -- everything's taken care of. Carrie's gonna be my maid of honor.
LUKE: Terrific.
LIZ: She's a good friend.
LUKE: To one and all. So, does Jess know?
LIZ: He knows.
LUKE: Did he take it well?
LIZ: Took it like Jess.
LUKE: Meaning?
LIZ: He's not coming.
LUKE: Why not?
LIZ: He's young, he's busy.
LUKE: Busy doing what?
LIZ: I don't know. It's okay. I just thought -- but it's no biggie. I mean, hey, I got you there, right?
LUKE: Yeah, you do.
LIZ: Are you gonna dress up?
LUKE: Absolutely.
LIZ: As a minstrel?
LUKE: Sure. Who's the guy who jumps around in bells and a pointy hat?
LIZ: The court jester.
LUKE: Yes, the court jester. I will come as a court jester.
LIZ: You're a good brother. You got any of that terrible peach pie you make? I'm starving.
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
[Lorelai places a pizza on a candy-filled coffee table as Rory walks in the front door.]
RORY: Hello.
LORELAI: Did you bring the Nutter Butters?
RORY: Well, I'm fine, Mother. I missed you, too.
LORELAI: Ah, we have achieved culinary perfection.
RORY: What's with the carrots?
LORELAI: I was afraid you weren't eating right at school.
RORY: Ah.
LORELAI: Marshmallow?
RORY: Thank you. Oh, man, I've missed Al's Chinese night.
LORELAI: Oh, he's got a new thing now -- chicken chow mein sandwich.
RORY: Oh, Al.
LORELAI: Oh, Al.
RORY: So what exactly was Grandma's excuse for canceling Friday night dinner?
LORELAI: That Dad was traveling and she had a function.
RORY: It was that generic?
LORELAI: She put no thought into it, and it was muffled, but at the end of the call, I do believe I heard a knock and someone yelling, "turndown service."
RORY: Living in a hotel.
LORELAI: And hiding it.
RORY: Poor Grandma. We should talk to them.
LORELAI: "We"?
RORY: Well, you. I'm a child.
LORELAI: Talking is not my parents' thing. It would humiliate them if they knew that we knew that they are...whatever they are.
RORY: So, we do nothing?
LORELAI: I guess we wait until one of them cracks.
RORY: Okay. Man, how many tapes are we watching tonight?
LORELAI: Well, every time I started watching something that I thought you would like, I stopped watching it and I saved it for when we could watch it together, so I watched the first 10 minutes of 12 movies.
RORY: So which one are we gonna watch?
LORELAI: Mmm...the absolute funniest movie known to man -- "Fatso."
RORY: I'm loving the title.
LORELAI: Anne Bancroft wrote and directed it.
RORY: Well, Annie Sullivan, look at you go. So how's everything at the inn coming along?
LORELAI: Everyone's freaking out because I got a million things to do, but we finally got the pictures up, and the beds were delivered today. Oh, I forgot -- a little bit of gossip.
RORY: Oh. What?
LORELAI: No, it's not fun gossip.
RORY: What? What?
LORELAI: Well, Sookie and I overheard Dean and Lindsay having a major fight. It was ugly.
RORY: Really? About what?
LORELAI: Well, she was mad because he was working late to make some extra cash, and she wanted to go out, and it got heated and vicious, and the whole thing ended with a "Whatever, Dean."
RORY: That sounds bad.
LORELAI: It wasn't good.
RORY: Maybe they'll make up.
LORELAI: I hope so.
RORY: Yeah, me too.
THE MOVIE: Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat!
RORY: This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.
LORELAI: Kiss for Mommy.
THE MOVIE: Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat!
CUT TO HALLWAY
[Luke walks up to apartment F and knocks on the door. Jess opens it.]
LUKE: Hey, neighbor, the guys next door just ran out of crack to sell, so they sent me over to borrow a cup. Hey, nice place. You put those holes there yourself?
JESS: What are you doing here?
LUKE: Just wanted to see how you were doing.
JESS: Doing great.
LUKE: Great, you're doing great. Wow, you're doing great. I'm not doing great, and I have running water.
JESS: The place is fine.
LUKE: Fine. Not great? What happened to great?
JESS: All this and no housewarming gift.
LUKE: Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I just thought you were going absolutely nowhere with your life. Glad I'm wrong. Hey, which filthy mattress is yours?
JESS: Right there.
LUKE: Oh. Well, you got the good corner, with a view of the mold.
JESS: Yeah, I won the toss. Now, if you don't mind, I've got places to be.
LUKE: Let's get down to it. Liz told me you weren't coming to the wedding.
JESS: No way you're here about that.
LUKE: I am here about that.
JESS: Why?
LUKE: Why? Your mother's getting married, and you're not coming.
JESS: No biggie. I'll just catch the next one.
LUKE: Jess, this guy is different.
JESS: Come on.
LUKE: Well he could be different. He seems different.
JESS: Jeez, man.
LUKE: I've seen him with Liz. They seem to work. We need to support this thing to give it a chance.
JESS: No, we don't.
LUKE: You are gonna regret this.
JESS: I doubt it.
LUKE: No, you are. If you ever manage to grow up and get yourself together and drop this selfish self-destructive behavior that you are so fond of, if that ever happens, you are gonna look back on this moment and you are gonna feel like a big steaming mound of crap that you missed this. This could have been a turning point. You could have witnessed something good for your mother who, yes, has screwed up a bit in her life but now seems to have found something to make her happy, and you miss that, you refuse to be a part of that, you are gonna be very sorry. [Beeping] What, are you a drug dealer now?
JESS: I'm a messenger. I gotta go. Hey, Todd, it's 4:00.
LUKE: You owe me. I was there for you when no one else was, and I want you there...and you owe me.
JESS: I gotta go.
LUKE: So do I. I'm going first. [Storms out the door.]
JESS: Hey, Todd. [Follows Luke out.]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is on the phone when Lorelai walks in.]
LUKE: No, Roy, I know what I'm talking about. I'm looking for stalks of wheat, not processed wheat, stalks. That's putting it another way. I need bare-ass stalks. [to customer] Sorry. [to Roy] I know you can't eat it like that. I just need it for decoration. No, I'm not going poofy on you, damn it! [to another customer] Sorry. [to Roy] I just need to know whether you have it or not. No? Okay, whatever. Thanks. [hangs up] Is there no wheat left in this country? What happened to Kansas? Isn't Kansas lousy with wheat?
LORELAI: I do recall Toto running through fields of it. Coffee to go, please.
LUKE: That I can get.
LORELAI: Why do you need wheat?
LUKE: Liz's wedding.
LORELAI: Liz is getting married?
LUKE: She and T.J.
LORELAI: Did I know this?
LUKE: I guess not.
LORELAI: In New York?
LUKE: Here in the square, a Renaissance thing.
LORELAI: Could I be a little more behind?
LUKE: I got sucked in, just like always. First day, their cellphone died, so I let them use the phone. Then I offered to make the call 'cause I happened to know the person they were calling, and I had to go pick something up because I couldn't find T.J. to do it. And kapow, I'm hunting down wheat stalks and looking for local pewter craftsmen. Do you have any idea where I can find myrtle?
LORELAI: Did you check the bingo parlor?
LUKE: The plant.
LORELAI: Hey, don't add stuff from your to-do list to my to-do list.
LUKE: Sorry. Here's your coffee.
LORELAI: Thank you. So, I can't believe I didn't know about this wedding. I'm caught up on everything now, right?
LUKE: I'd say so.
[Jess walks in and heads for the stairs.]
JESS: I'm not paying for a motel, so I'm staying with you.
LORELAI: Liar!
LUKE: I wasn't sure he was coming. I went to see him in New York.
LORELAI: You went to New York? I needed things picked up in New York.
LUKE: Hey, don't add stuff from your to-do list to my to-do list.
LORELAI: Sorry.
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: I should go. Hey, do you know that if the entire population of China walked by, the line would never end because of the rate of population increase?
LUKE: No, I didn't.
LORELAI: That's my list -- every Chinese person in the world.
LUKE: Scary.
LORELAI: Scary.
CUT TO YALE
[Glenn sits on the back of a couch talking to a girl.]
GLENN: What do you think? Friday night good?
GIRL: I'm busy, Glenn.
GLENN: You're never busy on Friday nights. You always eat dinner early on Fridays and watch TV and go to bed around 10:30.
GIRL: You're spying on me?! [Gets up and walks away.]
GLENN: Close your blinds if you're gonna be so sensitive.
[Rory walks by, her cell phone ringing.]
RORY: Hello? Paris, slow down. Where are you? Stop saying "the hospital." There are tons of hospitals. Which hospital?
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
JESS: Ah, you're here.
LUKE: I do show up occasionally.
JESS: The place looks the same. Is that your dinner?
LUKE: Couldn't book my usual table at Le Cirque.
JESS: Right. I wasn't sure what food I could eat. [looks in the refrigerator]
LUKE: Eat what you like. Start with the expired stuff.
JESS: Maybe I'll go out.
LUKE: I'm hearing a good buzz about a chow mein sandwich.
[Jess sees Luke's tape player and starts to press play. Luke jumps up to stop him.]
JESS: What's on the playlist these days? I'm guessing Jethro Tull or Jethro Tull.
LUKE: Just stay away from that.
JESS: What's with you?
LUKE: Never mind. Look, eat my food, use my shower. Just don't go poking around my stuff.
JESS: Mr. Sensitive. [goes to the door]
LUKE: Whatever. Enjoy your evening.
JESS: Don't wait up.
[Luke locks the door behind Jess and puts the tape on.]
MAN ON CASSETTE: You're a road in need of some repair. If your score is between 30 and 40 points, then you're a road laden with potholes and you need a double striping. And if your score is 40 or above, it's jackhammer time because your road is impassable.
LUKE: [sarcastically] Yikes.
MAN ON CASSETTE: Chapter 7. Men, a question -- what is fantasy? The answer -- fantasy is the imaginative fulfillment of your heart's desire. And one of the most common fantasies for single men is the fantasy of your ultimate companion.
LUKE: Yada yada yada.
MAN ON CASSETTE: Story time. I had a friend -- let's call him Phillip -- who couldn't make up his mind amongst three different women that he liked. I developed a test for him...and for you.
LUKE: [sarcastically] Oh, goody.
MAN ON CASSETTE: Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life -- a promotion at work, a successful refinancing -- who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?
LUKE: Whoa.
CUT TO HOSPITAL
[Rory enters an elevator with some hospital staff.]
RORY: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure which floor to go to. I've been getting conflicting advice. A friend of mine is here, but she didn't say exactly where, so I'm just wondering -- [trails off as she hears Paris's voice through the elevator doors]
PARIS: Why do I have to say everything twice? Huh? Why? I don't want my time wasted that way. You don't want your time wasted that way. Lives are dependent on you very people not wasting your time. I came here because of your reputation. Don't make me destroy that reputation.
DOCTOR: Miss, you have to lower your voice.
PARIS: That is Professor Asher Fleming in there, of Yale University. He's an important man, and you're acting like you're about to sell his spleen to UCLA.
DOCTOR: The procedures are the procedures.
PARIS: Oh, really? I thought the procedures were a hat. h*t me with some more lame tautology, Socrates.
DOCTOR: That's enough. Now, calm down, take a seat, and let us continue our work.
PARIS: Oh, you men, always telling us to calm down. Me, Hillary, Martha -- the second we make a squeak, you're pushing us onto the fainting couch.
NURSE: Honey, please.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: Asher asked for a moistened towel 20 minutes ago, and no one's brought him a moistened towel. This man is an award-winning novelist, a sought-after lecturer. He deserves a moistened towel! Give me a towel! I'll moisten the damn thing myself!
RORY: Paris, come on. Fill me in here.
PARIS: Stat! Stat! Do you not know what "stat" means? They say it on all the hospital shows.
RORY: Come on, Paris. What's happening?
PARIS: It's Asher.
RORY: I know, what's happening?
PARIS: We were out getting some gelato and he dropped his spoon, and when I picked it up, he started to lean on me like he was about to fall, and he was having these pains.
RORY: Oh my God.
PARIS: So we sat down, and he said he was fine, but I got worried because he looked so pale, so I rushed him here to this chop shop masquerading as a hospital, and I can't get anyone to help him.
RORY: This is a really good hospital. They know what they're doing.
PARIS: He wanted a towel.
RORY: They'll get him one.
PARIS: And they wouldn't let me see even him because I'm not a blood relative. He's got two grown kids. Where are they? I mean, you put food on their table, a roof over their heads, and this is how they repay you?
RORY: What's doctor saying? Is it serious?
PARIS: It wasn't a heart att*ck. It was angina or something. I think he's gonna be fine.
RORY: Good.
PARIS: But...
RORY: But what?
PARIS: The wobbly, the look on his face, the angina...he's old.
RORY: What?
PARIS: Asher. He has pains, he wobbles.
RORY: Yeah?
PARIS: I spotted him through the curtain when the doctor came out, and he was just lying on that bed all alone, and he had his eyes open and was just staring at the ceiling. He looked so close to death.
RORY: He's not that close.
PARIS: He's closer than me.
RORY: An anvil could h*t you on the head tomorrow, and he could live another 40 years.
PARIS: I'm 19. I should be rollicking. Asher doesn't rollick.
RORY: Well he probably didn't rollick when he was younger either. He's British.
PARIS: You should have seen the way he was staring at the ceiling, like he was looking at God.
RORY: He wasn't looking at God.
PARIS: You've probably been laughing at me all these months.
RORY: Paris, no, I haven't.
PARIS: I'm in a hospital. I should be at a discotheque. Are kids still into the discotheque?
RORY: Paris, come on. Let's go get you something to drink. Let the hospital do their work.
PARIS: He orders old gelato.
RORY: Old gelato?
PARIS: Vanilla. It's a very old flavor.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai, Sookie and Michel are working on Lorelai's to-do list for the inn.]
LORELAI: Oh, I hate these pillows with a passion.
SOOKIE: They look good.
LORELAI: Good, not great?
SOOKIE: They look great.
LORELAI: Great, not fabulous?
SOOKIE: Fabulous.
LORELAI: Fabulous, not mondo-fabulous?
SOOKIE: Come on.
MICHEL: They look good to me.
LORELAI: Good, not great?
SOOKIE: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Twenty-eight to go.
MICHEL: Does it bother you that the word "laundry" is misspelled?
LORELAI: [Gasps] No! I proofed these pages a million times. That breaks my heart. L-a-u-n-d-r-y. That's right.
MICHEL: No, it's d-r-i-e.
LORELAI: No, laundry -- l-a-u-n-d-r-y.
SOOKIE: There's a "u?" There's no "u."
MICHEL: There's a "u" but no "y."
LORELAI: There's a "y" but no "i-e," and a "u."
SOOKIE: Or a "u."
LORELAI: No, no. There's a "u." There's no "i-e." It's a "y" -- this is giving me a headache.
MICHEL: Does "consommé" have two m's?
LORELAI: Hey, Abbott, just assemble the books.
MICHEL: It's getting late.
LORELAI: How late can you stay, Sookie?
SOOKIE: As late as you want -- Davey's with his grandparents, and Jackson's sleeping with the zucchini tonight.
LORELAI: What's that, farm jargon?
SOOKIE: No, he's sleeping with the zucchini.
LORELAI: But what does that mean, sleeping with the zucchini?
SOOKIE: It means he's sleeping with the zucchini.
LORELAI: Sookie, fill me in here. Where's Jackson?
SOOKIE: Well, he checked the forecast today, and there's a potential cold front coming in from Canada, and he knows how important the zucchini is for opening day menu, so...
LORELAI: Are you saying that "sleeping with the zucchini" means...
SOOKIE: He's sleeping with the zucchini.
MICHEL: She's said it four times. You're very slow tonight.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
SOOKIE: Well, you said to do whatever it takes to make sure we have fresh zucchini.
LORELAI: Within the realm of reason.
SOOKIE: Oh. Now you add that. [Lorelai sighs and stands up.] Where are you going?
LORELAI: To the zucchini patch. [Sookie follows Lorelai.]
MICHEL: All of us or...
LORELAI: Michel!
CUT TO STRIP CLUB
[Luke enters with T.J. and a group of guys.]
T.J.'S BROTHER: Boys, we have arrived.
T.J.: You said it, brother, my brother. [sees Luke with his hand on his stomach] Stomachache?
LUKE: I'm fine.
T.J.: Check out the fresh nooks.
LUKE: Nice and fresh.
T.J.: Not your scene?
LUKE: Not really.
T.J.: Mine neither. This is for the guys. These days, there's nothing I'd rather do in the world than spoon with your sister. [Luke exhales sharply.] Stomach again?
LUKE: That time, yeah.
T.J.: Let's grab seats before they're all taken.
DANCER: Lap dance?
LUKE: Oh, no, thanks. I'm just here for a bachelor party.
DANCER: That's kind of why I'm here, too.
LUKE: Well, thanks for the offer, but, no, thank you. But thank you. It was nice. Thanks. Thank you.
DANCER: Thank you.
T.J.: Luke, come on. You should get a lap dance.
LUKE: I'm fine.
T.J.: Are you gonna stand all night?
LUKE: If I stand, there's no lap to dance on. Everything will be easier.
T.J.: Wow. That's something there.
LUKE: What's is?
T.J.: What you just said about your lap. The fact is, there is no such thing as a lap.
T.J.'S BROTHER: Come on.
T.J.: Think about it -- it's there when you're sitting, but it's gone when you stand, so where does it go? It doesn't go anywhere, meaning...it never was. So a lap is just an illusion.
T.J.'S BROTHER: Whoa. The way his mind works.
LUKE: Oh, it's something else. [Jess comes over to the group.] Where have you been?
JESS: Bathroom. It's best to use it before the puking starts.
LUKE: You left me hanging with the Lords of Flatbush here.
JESS: Sorry. Aren't you gonna sit?
T.J.: He doesn't want to make a lap.
T.J.'s BROTHER: A lap is an illusion.
JESS: What?
LUKE: Don't get him started.
T.J.: Hey, I want to talk to you later.
JESS: I always enjoy a good palaver.
T.J.: Huh?
JESS: We'll talk. [pulls out a book]
CUT TO HOSPITAL
PARIS: Thanks for the drink. I owe you.
RORY: You don't owe me anything.
NURSE: You can go in now.
PARIS: Thank you. Well, I think I'm going to go talk to him.
RORY: Okay.
PARIS: And have the talk -- a real talk.
RORY: Oh. Now?
PARIS: This can't go on. It's too weird. Tonight's been sort of an eye-opener.
RORY: Well, it's up to you.
PARIS: We're supposed to leave for England in two weeks. I shouldn't string him along.
RORY: Right. Now is good, and to do it is good...for a number of reasons.
PARIS: What reasons?
RORY: I just meant all the reasons that you already know.
PARIS: Wait for me -- take me home?
RORY: Yeah. I'll be right out here.
[Paris goes into Asher's room.]
PARIS: Asher?
ASHER: Paris? Come, come. You needn't have stayed.
PARIS: Oh, no. I mean, I had the keys.
ASHER: Then it was very convenient that you did stay.
PARIS: Did you ever get your towel?
ASHER: Five of them. And I'm very grateful. Thank you, angel. [notices Paris looking uncomfortable] Yes?
PARIS: Are you feeling better?
ASHER: Oh, I'm feeling much better.
PARIS: Good, good. I'm glad. I mean, you read all these awful stories in the paper -- you know, a guy comes in with a stomachache, and they amputate his foot.
ASHER: Paris...come sit down. You know, a hospital seems a wonderful place to discuss something serious, doesn't it?
PARIS: I guess.
ASHER: I want you to know that I'm grateful for every moment that we've spent together this past year. You're wonderful company. [Sighs] I don't think I've said that enough.
PARIS: No. You have.
ASHER: You know, I've had other relationships like this. You may have heard talk.
PARIS: Oh, I rarely listen to anything anybody says.
ASHER: I didn't want you to think that I was hiding anything. I want to be honest with you.
PARIS: Thank you.
ASHER: There's something very unique about you, Paris -- quite out of the ordinary.
PARIS: A lot of people have said I'm not ordinary.
ASHER: You know, I'm going to be very busy at Oxford. I've been writing down all the places that I wanted to take you, things you should see, but I'm afraid there's not enough time.
PARIS: Oh.
ASHER: So, I was thinking of going alone. Oh, I'd like you to go, but I don't want you to be bored.
PARIS: You've been writing down places?
ASHER: I'd forgotten how many there were. So, if you want to reassess, I will completely understand.
PARIS: Do you...want to reassess?
ASHER: No. I don't want to go alone, and I don't want to go with anyone else. But, then, I'm selfish. I get to be. After all, I'm...old.
PARIS: You're not so old.
[Rory reads a magazine in the waiting area. A woman about her age walks up to the nurse.]
ANDREA: Hi. I'm looking for Asher Fleming.
NURSE: He's getting dressed. He should be out in a minute.
ANDREA: Thank you. [sits next to Rory]
RORY: He'll be all yours in a minute, girlfriend.
[Paris and Asher come out of his room.]
ASHER: Miss Gilmore.
RORY: Hello, Professor.
RORY: You ready?
PARIS: That's okay. I'm going to go with Asher. We're going to do some more planning for England.
RORY: England? But I thought --
ASHER: Andrea, what brought you here?
ANDREA: Mom called.
ASHER: Paris, Rory, this is my granddaughter, Andrea.
PARIS: Hi.
ANDREA: Hi.
RORY: Hey, there. Wow. It's really nice to meet you. I'm gonna be going home now because there's no rest for the wicked. So I'll see you at home.
PARIS: See you there.
RORY: I'll just see you in class there, Asher -- uh, Professor. It's really nice meeting you. Bye.
CUT TO STRIP CLUB
T.J.'S BROTHER: I love mud, I love wrestling, I love girls. This is everything I love.
T.J.: In one neat package. [looks over at Jess, who is reading] Here's our boy. You having a good time?
JESS: Oh, I'm having a gay old time.
T.J.: You know, you read so much, I'm thinking of nicknaming you "Reads."
JESS: Good one.
T.J.: Tough guy, huh?
JESS: What?
T.J.: Listen, your mom has this thought she hasn't shared with you because she's afraid you wouldn't be into it.
JESS: Oh yeah?
T.J.: She'd like you to walk her down the aisle. Usually it's the father that would do that, but he's worm food.
JESS: I knew that.
T.J.: So, what do you say?
JESS: I don't think so.
T.J.: She really wants you to.
JESS: I really don't want to.
T.J.: I'd like it, too.
JESS: Oh, you too?
T.J.: Yeah.
JESS: I don't think so.
T.J.: It's a really short aisle. It'll be over in a flash.
JESS: Get Luke to do it.
T.J.: She wants you to do it.
JESS: I guess we're at a stalemate.
T.J.: I don't think we're at a stalemate.
JESS: There's girls wallowing around in slimy dirt, and you're looking at me?
T.J.: I don't want to tell your mom no.
JESS: Then I'll tell her.
T.J.: I don't want you telling her either.
JESS: Want to pitch in for a telegram?
[T.J. flips Jess' book away. Jess shoves T.J. and the bachelor party breaks out into a brawl.]
LUKE: Hey! Hey! Hey! Knock it off! Knock it off! Come on, knock it off!
BOUNCER: That's it. This whole group out.
T.J.: Best bachelor party ever!
CUT TO ZUCCHINI PATCH
MICHEL: Oh, my God. I hate nature.
LORELAI: Ow! Jackson!
JACKSON: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: What are you doing here?
JACKSON: I'm sleeping with the zucchini. Didn't you tell her that I was sleeping with the zucchini?
SOOKIE: She had a little trouble grasping that concept.
LORELAI: I do not want you to sleep with the zucchini.
JACKSON: You said it was important.
LORELAI: They are.
JACKSON: And to keep them safe, no matter what it takes. And there's a possibility of a cold front.
SOOKIE: I told her about the cold front.
LORELAI: That's why you have heaters.
JACKSON: But the heaters could fail, so I'm here to service them.
LORELAI: So technically, you're sleeping with the heaters?
JACKSON: I guess so.
LORELAI: But I don't want you to do that either.
MICHEL: It's cold.
LORELAI: Sit down here. It's warm down here. Jackson, I love you. I love that you're doing this, but I also feel like I should call the guys with butterfly nets to come get you...and me and all of us.
JACKSON: Well...
LORELAI: I'm so sorry, guys.
SOOKIE: For what?
LORELAI: For freaking out about dumb things like zucchini and not realizing that people would respond in very loving and nutty ways. This is not the way to do this. We're too stressed out. We're not having fun. This whole inn experience is flying by. Tonight it stops.
SOOKIE: Sounds good to me.
MICHEL: It is nice and warm here.
LORELAI: Here's what we do. We each have to drop something off our list -- something big -- and the others get to pick for the person, and the person cannot refuse a reasonable request to drop something.
SOOKIE: Like a game.
LORELAI: And we all win.
SOOKIE: You're dropping the pillows.
LORELAI: Okay, the pillows are history.
SOOKIE: Good.
LORELAI: Okay, you are dropping two desserts off the menu. A selection of six is all people need.
JACKSON: I'll second that.
SOOKIE: I can live with that.
LORELAI: And Michel, you're no longer asking for 10 references from every person we're hiring.
MICHEL: But they are all such imbeciles. How else will we know?
LORELAI: We're capping it at three.
MICHEL: Five.
LORELAI: Four.
MICHEL: I guess four's okay. It really is comfortable here.
LORELAI: I'm actually relieved about the pillows. [Jackson lays his head in Sookie's lap.]
SOOKIE: You'll do them later.
JACKSON: Are you guys seeing these stars? [They all look up, then lie back.]
LORELAI: Oh, wow, beautiful.
SOOKIE: I haven't looked at the stars in ages.
LORELAI: That's another rule. We all have to look at the stars more often.
SOOKIE: Done.
MICHEL: I'm very comfortable.
LORELAI: Me too.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke and Jess walk in the door.]
LUKE: Hmm. Tonight I got into a fight at a strip club with my nephew. A fight. I haven't been in a fight since sixth grade. Vince Williams called me a doodyhead. I took it very personally. But you know what? Tonight was good. Tonight something happened to me. I achieved this great sense of calm. No more anger, no more frustration. Live and let live. You are who you are. I cannot change that, and I'm gonna stop trying. I wish I'd felt this earlier. Then I wouldn't have dragged you down here. I apologize for that. But, I mean, if you really hate your mother that much, then you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't walk her down the aisle, and you shouldn't go to her wedding.
JESS: I don't hate my mother.
LUKE: You don't? Well, then, I don't get it. Why weren't you coming -- because of me? You hate me that much?
JESS: I don't hate you. [Sighs] I came here because of you.
LUKE: Stop that.
JESS: You said it was important to you. Remember?
LUKE: I didn't think you were listening.
JESS: I was listening.
LUKE: So, you don't hate your mom, you don't hate me, so...why weren't you coming? [ Sighs ] No. Rory still? That's ancient history. You haven't seen her in a year.
JESS: I saw her when I was here a few months ago.
LUKE: I didn't know that. So, what happened?
JESS: Nothing. I told her, uh...
LUKE: What?
JESS: I told her I loved her.
LUKE: Wow! What did she say?
JESS: Nothing.
LUKE: What, you just said it and walked away?
JESS: No. I got in my car and left.
LUKE: You just dropped the b*mb and ran?
JESS: I drove.
LUKE: You didn't want stick around to see what she said?
JESS: No. And obviously, she had nothing to say.
LUKE: How do you know?
JESS: She could have contacted me anytime in the last three months, but she didn't.
LUKE: What are you talking about? You change your phone number weekly.
JESS: [Scoffs] The ball was in her court.
LUKE: Oh, Jess, come on. You did this completely wrong. Open two-way communication is the foundation of love, and you cut that off. I had this friend -- let's call him Phillip -- who thought expressing intimacy was a favor to his partner, but expressions of intimacy should be given freely and frequently. He loved Judy, but he used his love as a bargaining tool.
JESS: Who the hell is Judy?
LUKE: Phillip's wife. We call her Judy.
JESS: I wasn't bargaining.
LUKE: You were bargaining. You had expectations out of line with what you deserved. You don't nurture.
JESS: Where are you getting this junk?
LUKE: Life. I've lived.
JESS: What, in a Bette Midler movie?
LUKE: I'm just trying to help you out.
JESS: Oh, please. You are the most dysfunctional person I know.
LUKE: Not anymore.
JESS: Your marriage to Nicole -- nothing but weird.
LUKE: I'm better now.
JESS: Yeah, right. Right. Oh, man. We're just a couple of losers.
LUKE: Well, things change, my friend.
JESS: Oh, yeah?
LUKE: Stay tuned. [starts to go upstairs] You really told her you loved her? Huh.
CUT TO ZUCCHINI PATCH - MORNING
LORELAI: Sook, Sook.
SOOKIE: Where are we?
LORELAI: Michel, wake up.
SOOKIE: Hon, wake up.
JACKSON: What happened?
LORELAI: We slept with the zucchini.
MICHEL: We slept with the zucchini?
LORELAI: We slept with the zucchini.
SOOKIE: I slept good. I mean, really good.
MICHEL: Me too.
LORELAI: That's the best night's sleep I've had in weeks.
MICHEL: My back isn't hurting. It's perfect now.
SOOKIE: It's like a magic zucchini patch.
LORELAI: How are the zucchini?
JACKSON: They can't wait to be soup.
[Lorelai goes around to the front of Sookie's house, where Luke has just pulled into the driveway.]
LORELAI: Luke, hi.
LUKE: Hey. Where are you coming from?
LORELAI: Oh, you know, the zucchini patch.
LUKE: Huh?
LORELAI: It's a long story. No, it's short. I slept in the zucchini patch.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: So, what are you doing here?
LUKE: Well, I wanted to talk to you.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: I got that wedding coming up, Liz's wedding.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: I know you're busy with your to-do list and all, but I think you could use a little break.
LORELAI: Oh, I could use a little break.
LUKE: Take a break with me. Come to the wedding.
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: It should be fun. There'll be turkey legs.
LORELAI: Oh, well, sure.
LUKE: Yes?
LORELAI: Yes.
LUKE: Good. Yes, good.
LORELAI: All right, then.
LUKE: I'll meet you at your house. We'll walk over together, okay?
LORELAI: Great.
LUKE: Okay. Good. I'll see you then.
LORELAI: Or before then.
LUKE: Either way is good.
LORELAI: Yeah, me too.
LUKE: Oh, and you don't have to wear a fruity outfit.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm gonna be a little fruity.
LUKE: That's good, too.
CUT TO LUKE's APARTMENT
[Jess is watching TV. Luke walks in smiling.]
JESS: What is it with you?
LUKE: [picks up his tape player and workbooks and gives them to Jess] Here. I'm done with them. Enjoy.
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x20 - Luke Can See Her Face"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Chris Long
transcript by Jenna with assistance by Canopus
OPEN AT STARS HOLLOW TOWN CENTER
[Miss Patty is trying to get a group of children to dance around a Maypole. Kirk watches from the side of the gazebo.]
MISS PATTY: No, no, boys. You go clockwise! Clockwise! Can't you tell time?
CHRISSY: The other way, boys! They're not getting it, Miss Patty.
MISS PATTY: Well, the wedding's tomorrow. We gotta get it.
CHRISSY: It's the Banyan boys. They won't do what I tell them.
KIRK: Nice maypole, Patty! Really organized!
MISS PATTY: Oh, shut up, Kirk!
LORELAI: Tough day, Patty?
MISS PATTY: I've worked with Joan Crawford. This is worse.
KIRK: I don't call that a "maypole." I'd call that a "maybe-not pole."
LORELAI: What's with him?
MISS PATTY: He's mad because I made Chrissy my dance captain over him.
LORELAI: Kirk has forty-three jobs.
MISS PATTY: Would you go talk to him, please? I got my hands full here.
LORELAI: The Banyan boys?
MISS PATTY: Oh! Lucifer tired of them in hell and dumped them here.
LORELAI: I'll talk to Kirk.
MISS PATTY: Thank you. All right, Chrissy, let's give it another go!
LORELAI: Hey, Kirk, maybe you want to ease up on Patty a little.
KIRK: But the maypole is an expertise of mine. I re-enacted the dwarf's maypole choreography from "The Safety Dance" video, my junior-high talent show. Chicks were falling at my feet. I'm less than impressed, Patty!
LORELAI: Take a break, please. I've seen Miss Patty get violent. It's not pretty. Remember that time?
KIRK: That's when she b*at me up.
LORELAI: Yeah. Let's not repeat that.
KIRK: Okay.
[Jess sits on a nearby bench. He and Lorelai glance at each other as she passes. He looks like he's reading Punk Planet, but inside the magazine he's hiding You're Not Alone, one of the self-help books Luke gave him.]
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN KITCHEN
JACKSON: They're the best I've got.
SOOKIE: That's sad for you and the whole vegetable industry.
JACKSON: They're the best in the state. I stand by them.
SOOKIE: They're puny. They're tasteless.
JACKSON: Puny? These are not puny.
SOOKIE: If they're small enough to shove up our son's nose, they're too small!
JACKSON: No way could you shove one of these up Davey's nose.
SOOKIE: Bet you five bucks.
JACKSON: Get him in here!
LORELAI: [entering] Hey, guys. You probably shouldn't shove a radish up your son's nose. Just thinking out loud.
SOOKIE: All right, I'll take these if it's all you've got.
JACKSON: Well, don't do me any favors. [leaves]
LORELAI: You two are back big-time.
SOOKIE: That actually felt good. [Chuckles] Like getting a Jack LaLanne workout.
LORELAI: d*ad or alive?
SOOKIE: Jack LaLanne? d*ad. No -- alive. [Lorelai's phone rings] Oh, now that's gonna bug me.
LORELAI: Hello?
RORY: [walking through Yale campus] There is so much joy around me, I'm gonna hurl.
LORELAI: Hey, what's wrong?
RORY: You should see all the boisterous high-fiving going on all around me. It's sad. It's just really sad. Hey, do you mind, buddy?
LORELAI: Kids are in party mode, huh?
RORY: The kids are clicking their heels like there's no tomorrow. And there is no tomorrow for those who do not have a final on Saturday morning, such as me. I'm pathetic. I should stand between two of them and have them high-five my head from opposite sides and put me out of my misery.
LORELAI: Just one more final to go, then you'll be free.
RORY: Ahh, two more boisterous bozos just rubbing my face in it.
LORELAI: You know, I do have one thing to run by you. Do you have the brain power?
RORY: I think I can swing it.
LORELAI: It involves the "J" word.
RORY: Oh, not more about Jesus. I'm sick of him and Mel Gibson.
LORELAI: Jess.
RORY: Oh, what about him?
LORELAI: He's in town for that wedding and I never know where we stand on the Jessometer. I've been seeing him. I was just wondering if you want me to tell you when I do.
RORY: Sure.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: Why not?
LORELAI: Okay. It's just always so weird -- this "J"-word topic of ours.
RORY: You don't have to refer to him as "the 'J' word." Call him "Jess," and feel free to tell me when you see him.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: I mean, if you see him eight times in one day, you don't need to call me eight different times to tell me. That's clearly overdose.
LORELAI: Sure.
RORY: Maybe, like, you could limit the reports to just significant sightings. If you see him a hundred yards away, disappearing around a corner, I really don't need to know that. If he comes up to you and spits in your face, report that.
LORELAI: Permission to spit back?
RORY: You know what I'm saying.
LORELAI: I know what you're saying. Hey, you know what I should do? Run up, tell him I love him, then run away really fast -- a taste of his own medicine.
RORY: Don't do that! Don't do anything out of the ordinary.
LORELAI: I won't. Honey, I'm kidding. [Gasps]
RORY: What?
LORELAI: There's a horse in the dining room.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Cletus is in the dining room.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: He heard about the terrific continental breakfast? I don't know. I gotta go look into this.
RORY: Okay. Bye.
LORELAI: Cletus, honey!
MICHEL: Lorelai, I need your signature on this, please.
LORELAI: Michel.
MICHEL: Yes?
LORELAI: Do you see the big-nostriled thing next to me here?
MICHEL: The horse?
LORELAI: Uh-huh, the horse.
MICHEL: It's been here for twenty minutes.
LORELAI: Oh. What were you doing about it?
MICHEL: Eh, nothing.
LORELAI: Oh, no, nothing?
MICHEL: It's a giant, smelly horse. I figured someone was already taking care of it.
LORELAI: Oh.
SOOKIE: He's alive!
LORELAI: Who?
SOOKIE: Jack LaLanne. I just googled him. Hi, Cletus.
LORELAI: Oh, so you already saw the horse?
SOOKIE: Yeah. Sure, he's been here, what, twenty, thirty minutes?
MICHEL: About twenty-five.
LORELAI: New Dragonfly Inn rule -- everyone listening? Okay, if you see a horse in the inn or any other large quadruped or biped or anything that's not -- what's the word -- human, figure no one's doing anything about it and do something.
MICHEL: Oh, fine with me.
SOOKIE: Yeah, same here.
MICHEL: If we had the rule before, I would have done something.
LORELAI: Okay. Great. Thanks. Bye. [to Cletus] Come on, troublemaker.
CUT TO YALE DORM
RORY: Hittin' the road, Glenn?
GLENN: Yep, and I got a hot date tonight.
RORY: Who's the lucky girl?
GLENN: I'm getting back together with my girl from back home. Want to see her picture?
RORY: Sure. Glenn, this girl is, like, twelve years old.
GLENN: It's her when she was little. Don't make this into something dirty! She drives and everything.
RORY: Have a good summer, Glenn.
TANA: Oh, Rory, perfect timing. I want you to meet somebody. This is my boyfriend, Chester Fleet.
RORY: Oh, hi, Chester. I've heard a lot about you.
CHESTER: You can't believe everything you hear.
TANA: Oh, it's kind of a weird day to meet him because he lost a bet with me. And that means that for the entire day, he can only talk in clichés. It's so much fun.
RORY: Sounds it.
CHESTER: It's always fun till someone gets hurt.
JANET: Hey, I'm leaving, guys. Rory, you get yourself a funky monkey?
RORY: What?
JANET: Everyone poured all the alcohol they had left into a bowl and that's what's in the cup. Tastes gross, but does the trick.
TANA: I stashed one in the fridge for you. It was poured for me, but I'm not having one.
CHESTER: Lips that touch wine shall never touch mine.
TANA: So much fun!
JANET: Well, I guess this is goodbye. See you, Rory. Have a good one.
RORY: Bye, Janet.
PARIS: Janet, wait, wait! [runs into the room and hugs Janet] I hate that our little clique is breaking up. It's so the end of something.
JANET: You off your meds, Paris?
PARIS: You never get emotional at goodbyes?
JANET: With people I like. See you.
PARIS: Keep in touch.
TANA: So I made a collage of photos of people in the building, and I'm having everyone sign. Will you two do me the honor?
RORY: Sure.
PARIS: I'll honor you.
TANA: Isn't it a great keepsake? There's Janet with her boyfriend and Lana with hers. That's Mark and Stacy -- they're inseparable. And, oh, there's one of you, Rory.
RORY: That's me.
TANA: And, um, Janet and her boyfriend again, and me with Chester.
CHESTER: You're the apple of my eye.
PARIS: That's getting annoying there, Chester.
TANA: And, uh, there you are again, Rory, with...oh, that's a lamppost. Oh, here's a bunch of couples from Valentine's Day. You're not in that one. And here you are with all the cafeteria ladies. I can make you a copy of that, if you'd like.
RORY: That's okay.
PARIS: Rory, you've had quite the dry spell this year.
RORY: I have not had a dry spell.
PARIS: There's not one picture of you with a guy.
TANA: Oh, no. No. There's one. See? That's Rory with the statue of Eli Yale.
PARIS: People are gonna talk.
RORY: I don't care what people say. Are people talking?
PARIS: Not that I've heard. You just don't get out enough.
CHESTER: All work and no play makes Jack...
RORY: Say goodbye before you leave?
TANA: Will do.
[Rory and Paris go into their room.]
RORY: Since when are you someone who defines a girl by whether or not she's with a guy? I mean, you embarrassed me in front of Tana and Chester.
PARIS: Please. They were singing the lumberjack song at the top of their lungs. They're embarrassment-proof. [hands Rory a piece of paper] Here.
RORY: What's this? Leonard Fleming?
PARIS: Asher's son. He's a terrific guy -- good looking, runs a mutual fund, newly divorced, and on the hunt.
RORY: I don't think so.
PARIS: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He is one hot apple, juicy to the core.
RORY: I got it. Nice, hot apple.
PARIS: I just want you to be happy.
RORY: Please, don't feel sorry for me. I'm fine.
PARIS: I don't want you to have a long, dry summer.
RORY: Please stop talking about my love life.
PARIS: Fine. Wish me a merry trip to jolly old England.
RORY: Have a merry trip.
PARIS: And hey, if you call Leonard and one of his kids answers, hang up. They still think Mommy's coming back.
CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES
LORELAI: Oh, hey, Mrs. Kim.
MRS. KIM: Hello, Lorelai. What can I do for you?
LORELAI: Well, do you still have the big door knockers -- metal with the chipped red paint? [Mrs. Kim picks up a door knocker.] You're a magician. Do you know that? Oh, it's great. Isn't it big?
MRS. KIM: And good price, seeing as how it may have belonged to James Madison. It was commonly known that James Madison liked big knockers.
LORELAI: [laughing] I bet a lot of the founding fathers liked big knockers. I'm sorry for laughing. I'd explain if I could.
MRS. KIM: It's a double entendre. I've been in this country 20 years. I get things.
LORELAI: I never doubted.
MRS. KIM: It's ninety dollars.
LORELAI: I'll take it.
MRS. KIM: Here.
LORELAI: What's this?
MRS. KIM: Mail for Lane. I know you go to Luke's, where she works. If you could pass this on to her, I would appreciate it.
LORELAI: Mrs. Kim, hasn't this gone on long enough?
MRS. KIM: Not for you to say.
LORELAI: She's your only child. I know you miss her. She misses you. Call her. See her. Don't avoid her.
MRS. KIM: This is between me and my daughter.
LORELAI: Well, as your mailman, I hereby resign.
MRS. KIM: Fine. It comes to $140.
LORELAI: You said ninety.
MRS. KIM: Wrapping charge.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Liz and her friends sit at one of the tables laughing while Luke works on a plate of turkey legs at the counter.]
CARRIE: And it's not just guys -- girls are not supposed to be monogamous, either. We're h*m* sapiens, not rocks.
LIZ: That'so unromantic.
WOMAN 1: You can say that. You got lucky.
WOMAN 2: Yeah, T.J. Is yum, yum.
LIZ: I did get lucky, didn't I?
CARRIE: We're animals, and animals in the wild don't mate for life, except, like, tigers, but they're ret*rd.
LUKE: Hey, Liz.
CARRIE: Men are good for two things. Make that one, and the one thing they're not that good at.
LUKE: Excuse me, sorry to break up the festivities, but do you have any idea if I'm doing this right?
CARRIE: Most guys don't know if they're doing it right.
LIZ: Uh, not my expertise, bro, but they smell good, if that helps.
LUKE: Well, there should have been an instruction book of some kind.
LIZ: I'm so sorry this got dumped on you, but the turkey leg guy knew that going into that bar violated his parole. You can't reason with him.
LUKE: Is this how turkey legs are supposed to look?
CARRIE: I don't know. Take off your pants and let us see.
LUKE: Hey, weren't you guys going to a spa or something?
LIZ: Yeah, we're going, right?
WOMAN 2: In a minute.
JESS: [coming into the room and speaking to Luke] I need to get some batteries. I'll be back.
LIZ: Jess! Jess! Come over here and meet my oldest friends.
LUKE: Watch the one on the left.
JESS: Thanks.
LIZ: Girls, this is Jess.
CARRIE: Hello, handsome.
WOMAN 1 & 2: Hi.
JESS: Hi.
LIZ: He's gonna walk me down the aisle. Is that cool or what?
JESS: It's no big deal.
LIZ: It's a very big deal.
[A man dressed in a delivery uniform opens the diner door.]
LUKE: Can I help you?
MAN: Got a package here.
[Carrie and other women sit up straighter.]
LUKE: From who? I'm not expecting anything.
MAN: It's a very important package.
LUKE: But there's no address on it.
JESS: Have fun.
LUKE: Have fun with what?
MAN: This package is for Liz Danes.
LIZ: Oh, that -- that's me.
MAN: Do you accept delivery?
LIZ: I -- I guess.
[The man starts to strip as the women cheer.]
CARRIE: Shake it, doll, shake it.
LUKE: No, don't shake it in here.
WOMAN 1: Luke, we need change!
WOMAN 2: Turn these twenties into ones!
LIZ: I don't believe this, you rats!
CARRIE: Earn your money for Mama!
CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET
[Kirk is working the cash register. Jess gets in line behind Dean.]
KIRK: Nail polish remover -- $1.40. Ladies Speed Stick -- $2.60. Good choice on that one. Keeps you dry all day and into the night. Jasmine body lotion -- nice price on that. Might want to get a couple.
DEAN: [to Jess] It's for my wife.
KIRK: And, with your emery boards, it comes to $19.67.
DEAN: Keep the change.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
EMILY: I'm so sorry you have a final tomorrow. I thought you'd be free as a bird tonight.
RORY: Them's the breaks.
EMILY: You could have stayed at school and studied if you had to. I hope you know that.
LORELAI: You're playing different music.
EMILY: Hmm?
LORELAI: The music -- it's different. Some chick is singing.
EMILY: It's "Blossom Deary." You don't like it?
LORELAI: No, I like it fine. You've just never played it. You and Dad always play classical music.
EMILY: We just thought we'd try something new tonight.
LORELAI: We?
EMILY: He's out of town, but you know what I mean. We talked about changing the music. So when will you be done with your final tomorrow?
RORY: Around noon, depending on how fast I write.
EMILY: Any friends left behind to keep you company -- girlfriends, boyfriends?
RORY: Well, my roommates are all gone, and I'd say 95% of the class has vamoosed.
EMILY: And you don't have a boyfriend?
RORY: Not really.
LORELAI: Why, do you? [on Emily's look] I'm making a joke.
EMILY: I was just wondering. We haven't talked about your love life in a while. I get to ask sometimes, don't I?
RORY: Um, sure.
LORELAI: Where'd you say Dad was?
RORY: [enunciating] In Philadelphia.
LORELAI: Thanks, Mom. Philadelphia, huh? Funny, you didn't mention that to me when we talked earlier. You just said he wouldn't be here.
EMILY: Well, what do you want, Lorelai? For his secretary to fax you his schedule?
LORELAI: No, I just want to be kept informed.
EMILY: Well, a lot of his schedule these days has to do with Floyd AKA your ex-boyfriend's father. I didn't know how much detail you wanted to hear.
LORELAI: I hear you. Blossom hears you. We're good.
EMILY: So you'll be a free girl around noon?
RORY: Around then.
EMILY: I just wanted to know because I to be thinking about you right at that moment when the weight is lifting off your shoulders.
RORY: I'll be looking forward to it.
EMILY: I'll be right back. I'm going to see if Kiki put the raspberry soufflés in.
LORELAI: Dad hates raspberries.
EMILY: No, he doesn't.
LORELAI: Oh, sorry, thought he did. Sorry.
[Emily leaves.]
RORY: What is going on here?
LORELAI: I'm trying to get her to fess up to the separation.
RORY: No, me! Am I cloaked in loneliness or something? Everybody has been pestering me about my love life this week.
LORELAI: That was not about you. It was about evading my questions. It's a classic Sun Tzu "Art of w*r" maneuver. If you're being att*cked from the east, att*ck whoever's to your west, and you were the west. I never read the book. It's full of crap like that.
RORY: Well, stop attacking her so she'll stop attacking me.
LORELAI: Well, you butted into my line of inquiry with your, "He's in Philadelphia" stuff. She was about ready to crack.
RORY: She was not ready to crack. She was ready to say, "He's in Philadelphia."
LORELAI: Did he sound like he was in Philadelphia when he called?
RORY: You mean, did I hear guys in the background saying, "Get your Philly cheesesteak here?"
LORELAI: Why aren't you seeing anybody, by the way?
RORY: I'm gonna throw a roll at you.
LORELAI: I just gotta know what's going on with them.
RORY: They're having some sort of marital difficulty, Mom, and pressuring her like this is not going to help.
LORELAI: But I'm dying here. I mean, if he's out of town, is she actually staying here instead of that hotel she checked into? Or is she staying here permanently, and he's the one who's at a hotel? Or --
EMILY: Well, thank God I checked or we would have been soufflé-less.
LORELAI: Well, good, good. Gotta have that soufflé.
EMILY: So, where were we?
RORY: We were all about to switch to new subjects.
EMILY: Oh, okay.
LORELAI: Dad hates chicken Kiev, doesn't he?
CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT
ZACH: Well, who called Groton?
BRIAN: I didn't.
LANE: Me neither.
ZACH: Someone in this room called someone in Groton at 11:37 P.M. on the 16th, and it wasn't me.
LANE: That was the night you had those two trampy girls over, Zach.
ZACH: They weren't trampy.
LANE: I heard one of them call her boyfriend and brag that she had scored some sucker beer.
ZACH: I'll pay for Groton. [Doorbell rings.] Does that doorbell run on electricity? 'Cause that's eating up money, too. We have to tell people to knock.
LANE: [opening the door] Aunt Jun.
JUN: I'm here on your mother's behalf. She would like to visit.
LANE: Here?
JUN: A social call.
LANE: When?
JUN: Here are three times she can come this week. If none are convenient, she will offer three more. If those are not good, she will rescind the offer. Does this sound reasonable?
LANE: Very.
JUN: Fine.
LANE: Is she bringing a Bible?
JUN: She didn't say. Here's your mail.
LANE: Thank you. Would you like to come in?
JUN: No.
CUT TO YALE DORM
[Rory is playing loud music and drinking from a plastic cup as she packs.]
EMILY: Rory?
RORY: Grandma, hi.
EMILY: You busy?
RORY: No, I was just packing and having a little lemonade here.
EMILY: You're done with your final, right?
RORY: Yes. What are you doing here?
EMILY: Well, I had lunch today on campus with a friend -- Cassie Sullivan. She's with the alumni committee. Didn't I mention it last night?
RORY: Not that I remember.
EMILY: Anyway, she has a son who's a freshman also -- Graham Sullivan. You haven't met him?
RORY: I don't think so.
EMILY: Would you like to?
RORY: Sure.
EMILY: Is now okay?
RORY: Now?
EMILY: Graham! [Graham comes into the room.] Graham, this is Rory. Rory, Graham. Graham's family and ours go way back. I remember this young man in diapers. He's one of the poor unfortunates who had a Saturday final, too.
GRAHAM: Chemistry.
RORY: Philosophy.
EMILY: I meant to introduce the two of you ages ago. I hate that it's last minute like this. I feel awful.
RORY: Oh, that's okay. Don't feel bad.
GRAHAM: [whispering to Rory] Alcohol on your breath.
EMILY: Graham mentioned that he and his group were going out tonight to celebrate. What did you call them -- "the Saturday orphans"?
GRAHAM: Yes, I did.
EMILY: And he thought you might like to go.
GRAHAM: Yeah.
EMILY: Would you...like to go?
RORY: Um...sure.
EMILY: Wonderful!
GRAHAM: I actually tried to get your grandmother to go, too, but she made up some dumb excuse.
EMILY: You're something else, you know that? Well, I feel good about this. My orphan is an orphan no more. I'll go now. Bye, Rory.
RORY: [mumbling as she turns her head so that Emily won't smell her breath as they hug] Bye, grandma.
GRAHAM: Okay, well, lesson number one -- when your mom or your grandmother starts trying to pin down your specific whereabouts at a specific time and place, and she's smiling kind of weird, begin evasive maneuvers immediately.
RORY: Got caught in that one myself.
GRAHAM: And lesson number two -- never, ever let anybody outside of your family see you in diapers.
RORY: You were young...I hope. [Graham starts helping Rory pack.] Oh, you don't have to do that.
GRAHAM: Oh, I just taped up eight of my own boxes. I'm a box-taping machine. Use me.
RORY: Oh, thank you.
GRAHAM: So, uh, the plans for tonight -- they're pretty casual. There'll be about ten of us. You're totally welcome to come.
RORY: I was just gonna go home, but, I don't know, maybe.
GRAHAM: We're gonna get some food, hang out. I'll leave you my cell phone number. You got a piece of paper?
RORY: Um...yeah.
GRAHAM: Great. [reads the paper] Leonard Fleming.
RORY: Ignore that.
GRAHAM: Maybe I'll see you later.
RORY: Yeah.
GRAHAM: Enjoy your lemonade.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke and Jess are dressing for Liz's wedding.]
LUKE: What is wrong with this shoe polish?
JESS: Pontius Pilate was alive when you bought it?
LUKE: Shoe polish goes bad?
JESS: It's all chunky.
LUKE: Aah, it messed up my shoes.
JESS: Just wipe them off. They'll be fine.
T.J.: [coming out of the bathroom] Don't you have a full-length mirror?
LUKE: Don't need one.
T.J.: You don't like looking at your bottom half? I love looking at my bottom half.
LUKE: I look down to look at my bottom half. I don't need a mirror to do that.
T.J.: You seem nervous.
LUKE: I'm not nervous.
T.J.: I don't see why you would be. I'm the one getting shackled today. Looks like old polish.
LUKE: Yep.
T.J.: The q*eer Eye guys are very against old polish.
LUKE: Ohh.
T.J.: [to Jess] He's very nervous.
LUKE: I'm not nervous.
JESS: Maybe it's time you put a shirt on.
T.J.: Why, am I getting you hot?
JESS: I need the bathroom.
LUKE: Just hold on.
T.J.: I am lovin' these tights. They're fantastic. They lend support everywhere you need it, but they breathe.
JESS: [to Luke, who is trying to choose a tie] This one.
LUKE: Thanks.
T.J.: Hey, Luke, I had to borrow your deodorant. I hope that's okay.
LUKE: Ohh.
JESS: Allow me. [throws it into the trash can]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Luke is standing outside his diner when Lorelai walks up to him.]
LORELAI: Greetings, my lord. Your lady hath arrived to be escorted forthwith.
LUKE: That's pretty good. I didn't know you spoke Renaissance.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. I'm quite fluent in Renaissance. You look nice. I'm lovin' the tie.
LUKE: Thanks. You look beautiful.
LORELAI: Flattery will get you everywhere, my friend. Shall we?
LUKE: Let's go.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW TOWN CENTER
LORELAI: No, really, a nice, manly wreath in your hair wouldn't work?
LUKE: There's no such thing as a manly wreath.
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. Julius Caesar pulled it off. He was very popular with the ladies. Cleopatra used to pull his leaves off -- very sexy.
T.J.'S BROTHER: What's this? Surely these be time travelers from the future in such foreign, mystical garb.
LORELAI: And who be you, kind sir?
T.J.'S BROTHER: T.J.'s brother. I got a patio furniture store down in Nutley. Plastic, metal, teak -- whatever you need, I can hook you up.
LORELAI: Okay, thank you.
LUKE: Just do me a favor. I'm gonna try to keep a happy, proud look on my face to cover the smirking and about-to-laugh-my-ass-off face just underneath. Help me achieve this.
LORELAI: Oh, come on. They have a community of people, friends, you know, who travel together, engage in silliness, dress in costume. I think it's nice.
CARRIE: Hi, Lucas.
LUKE: Oh! Hi, Carrie.
CARRIE: Is that a power suit?
LUKE: It's my only suit.
CARRIE: Looks pretty powerful to me. So, um, Barry stayed home.
LUKE: Who?
CARRIE: The ball and chain. I'm flying solo tonight. Save a dance for me?
LUKE: Uh, I don't dance.
CARRIE: You will dance.
LORELAI: Hey, how 'bout we work on him together? I think there's a hoofer buried deep inside there, don't you?
CARRIE: I guess.
LUKE: Carrie, this is Lorelai.
CARRIE: I know. Hi.
LORELAI: Hi.
CARRIE: So, um, there's gonna be a little delay. Liz ripped her dress, and it's gonna take a while to fix it. I'm supposed to spread the message.
LUKE: Well spread it, Car -- the message, the message. [Carrie walks away.] She makes me very uncomfortable.
LORELAI: Poor Liz. Does she know how to fix something like that?
LUKE: She was never one for household skills.
LORELAI: I'm gonna go see. She's at Miss Patty's?
LUKE: Don't leave me alone.
LORELAI: Carrie found the guy with the codpiece. That will keep her occupied.
LUKE: Hurry back.
CUT TO MISS PATTY'S
LORELAI: Hey.
MISS PATTY: Oh, Lorelai, thank heavens. I'm so bad with wardrobe.
LIZ: I ripped it getting up. I'm such a klutz.
LORELAI: Oh, well, that's why I'm here. Patty, you have a sewing kit?
MISS PATTY: Oh, yeah. Right here, sweetie.
LIZ: I'm holding everyone up.
LORELAI: No, no. Hey, today's your day. If anyone gets to hold things up, it's you. Relax.
LIZ: Ohh, I'm nervous. Do I look nervous? I sound nervous.
LORELAI: You look great. It's normal to be nervous on your wedding day.
LIZ: This is my first wedding of mine that I've ever been sober for. I'm probably gonna remember this one.
MISS PATTY: The ones that you remember are the ones that stick.
LIZ: What was your wedding like? Were you this nervous?
LORELAI: Never been married.
LIZ: You got a kid.
LORELAI: Found a way around that.
LIZ: I see. You want to get married?
LORELAI: Oh, now, Liz. It's inappropriate for you to propose to me on your wedding day.
LIZ: But do you want to get married? You must want to get married.
LORELAI: I guess so, you know, if I meet the right guy.
LIZ: I hate being single. Ever think, if you got married today or even in the next few years, you could be married for fifty years -- for most of your life. Same with me and T.J. I could be married most of my life to him. Isn't that weird to think about?
LORELAI: I could be married for most of my life.
LIZ: I don't want to screw up this marriage even more than I want some pot. That's how serious I am.
LORELAI: Hm.
JESS: [Jess knocks on the door as he walks in.] Are you ready? The crowd's getting restless.
LIZ: You're getting restless. Hey, do you two know each other?
LORELAI:Oh, Jess and I go way back. He dated my daughter.
LIZ: Oh, you broke her daughter's heart?
JESS: Ah, I, uh...
LORELAI: No, no, he didn't. It just didn't work out.
LIZ: Good, 'cause I don't want him to be like his father, breaking hearts. I want him to be like T.J. Or my second husband or, like my boyfriend after my third husband, who died. They were good guys.
LORELAI: Oh. You're all done.
LIZ: Oh, it's perfect!
MISS PATTY: Oh, she's a miracle worker.
JESS: I'm gonna go tell the others.
LIZ: Thanks, hon! [to Lorelai] And thank you. You're gonna make a great wife some day and a great sister-in-law to some very lucky girl.
LORELAI: Well, I hope so.
LIZ: Now, go on, Luke's waiting. Unless my friend Carrie suffocated him with her boobs.
LORELAI: Well, that would be festive. Here, Patty.
MISS PATTY: Let's check your hair real quick, sweetie.
LIZ: Oh, okay.
[Lorelai starts to leave, then stops to look in Jess' open bag on the table. She sees a book titled You Deserve Love inside.]
MISS PATTY: You look absolutely beautiful.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW TOWN CENTER
LUKE: Everything okay?
LORELAI: Crisis averted.
[The band starts to play.]
LUKE: Must be starting.
LORELAI: Think they know any Zeppelin? [Two women dance down the aisle tossing roses.] Ooh, roses -- nice.
LUKE: Does she remind you of someone?
LORELAI: Can you say Leslie Van Houten? [A jester tumbles down the aisle.] Now, that's impressive.
LUKE: Yeah.
T.J.: These tights, I'm telling you -- the best. I'm happy, my boys are happy, and they don't ride up. [lifts his arms] Hey...still dry. Thanks, buddy.
LORELAI: You dried his armpits?
LUKE: I don't want to talk about it.
[Two men push a cart, with Liz seated on it, up to the entrance.]
LORELAI: Oh, I want one of those. She looks happy.
LUKE: Yeah, she does.
T.J.: She looks hot.
T.J.'S BROTHER: Smokin'.
T.J.: Don't you say that.
[Jess walks Liz down the aisle then takes a seat in front of Luke and Lorelai.]
LORELAI: [whispering] Where's the minister?
MINISTER: [strolls into the gazebo singing and strumming a guitar] As kids we shared our toys/with all the girls and boys/barrel of monkeys/your battleship sunk me/please recall the joy/Wheelo, Clue, Mousetrap/bash and spirograph/kaleidoscopes spinning/Yahtzee I'm winning/think of how we laughed/but today we share our love/today we share our love/for love is the greatest toy around/around, around
LUKE: [trying not to laugh] Help.
LORELAI: Think of something not funny.
LUKE: Can't.
MINISTER: You may plant the ceremonial sword.
[Together, Liz and T.J. plunge a sword into a tree stump.]
LORELAI: Avalanches, earthquakes...
LUKE: Not doin' it.
LORELAI: Famine...and I'm out.
MINISTER: Hello, friends. Isn't it a beautiful day? The day that Liz and T.J. share their love in front of those they love. Liz, do you want to tell T.J. how you feel?
LIZ: Yes. T.J.
T.J.: Yeah?
LIZ: My heart just pours out to you. You have been so good to me and for me. I don't know where I'd be without you. I'd be worse off, I know that. [ Sighs ] You're something else.
MINISTER: Nice. T.J.
T.J.: Well, I wrote something down, but, for all the good points about tights -- and there are a lot -- they don't have pockets. So I gotta go off the cuff. I love ya. [They kiss and hug.]
LORELAI: Aw, that wasn't so funny.
LUKE: Nah, that wasn't funny at all.
CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT
[The doorbell rings.]
LANE: [nervously] Hi, Mama.
MRS. KIM: Hello, Lane. Thank you for having me.
LANE: You find the place okay?
MRS. KIM: Yes. Here. Multi-grain soy pudding. Extra chunky, the way you like it.
LANE: I bet we'll all like it.
MRS. KIM: We?
LANE: Come in, Mama. Mama, these are my roommates -- Zach and Brian.
ZACH: Hello, Mrs. Kim.
BRIAN: Welcome.
LANE: There's no way I could afford a place on my own, so we live together. We share all the expenses and a bathroom. That's unfortunate, but we're starving artists, Mama. These are my bandmates. Zach, would you make us some tea?
ZACH: I'd be delighted.
BRIAN: I'll get the cups.
LANE: How about a tour? This is the living room, obviously. That's where Zach and Brian sleep.
ZACH: A solid eight hours every night.
LANE: This is my room. Window's broken but the landlord's on it. Kitchen, refrigerator...
ZACH: Would you like to pick a tea? We have a whole selection.
BRIAN: Lapsang oolong, orange pekoe, Sleepy Time?
[Mrs. Kim looks panicked. She turns and runs out the door.]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW TOWN CENTER - NIGHT
WOMAN: Harry, they've got turkey legs!
LORELAI: I was born four hundred years too late. I mean, this food is amazing.
LUKE: Here's a couple seats.
LORELAI: Okay.
[Mrs. Kim runs up to them.]
MRS. KIM: There were boys.
LORELAI: What? Where?
MRS. KIM: At Lane's -- two boys -- one with hair.
LORELAI: O-o-okay, you went to Lane's?
MRS. KIM: And the place -- broken furniture and dirt and boys and a broken window and boys --
LORELAI: Slow down.
MRS. KIM: -- and a tiny fridge and guitars and boys.
LORELAI: How many boys where there?
MRS. KIM: Two boys.
LORELAI: Two boys.
MRS. KIM: She stood in that room with two boys. I didn't stand alone in a room with two boys until I was -- I've never done that.
LORELAI: Mrs. Kim, you know why the boys were there.
MRS. KIM: She's dirty.
LORELAI: She's not dirty. She was trying to be up front with you, and that's good. She could have hid them from you, and she didn't.
MRS. KIM: I wish she did.
LORELAI: No, you don't. I've met those boys. They're innocent. As innocent as if she was living with two girls. So think of them that way.
MRS. KIM: What way?
LORELAI: Think of them as girls.
MRS. KIM: Girls?
LORELAI: Girls.
MRS. KIM: I don't like girls either.
LORELAI: Well, you like them better than boys.
MRS. KIM: True.
LORELAI: And Lane is trying so hard.
MRS. KIM: Girls.
LORELAI: Yeah, think of them as two tall, gawky, caring, sometimes unwashed girls who are watching out for your daughter's safety.
MRS. KIM: Girls. Girls. [walks away]
LUKE: Is she okay?
LORELAI: Um, she will be. She'll be okay. Ooh, hey, look. Jess made a friend.
MAN: People think prison's a waste of time, but prison's the best thing that ever happened to me.
JESS: Interesting.
MAN: Picked up skills -- metal working, laundry -- that's a skill. Doing laundry for 600 guys -- no piece of cake.
JESS: Great.
MAN: Added fabric softener for cigarettes.
LORELAI: Career guidance?
LUKE: He's doing better. He's gonna be okay.
T.J.: It's like a marketing thing. Don't call 'em "tights." You guys don't want to wear "tights." Call 'em "air pants." Here's your slogan -- "air pants -- the pants that breathe." I'm telling you, we gotta get in on the ground floor of this.
LIZ: There they are -- my two heroes. You saved the wedding.
LORELAI: I saved nothing.
LIZ: And you're always my hero, my big brother.
LUKE: Congratulations, sis.
LIZ: Wasn't Jess great? It made all the difference.
T.J.: It wasn't like it was a hard thing to do, but he did it good.
LIZ: [to Jess] Hey, hey, hey! You say "goodbye" before you leave.
JESS: I'm just going to get more food.
LIZ: You promise?
JESS: I promise.
T.J.: Come on, let's get some chow.
LIZ: Okay. Bye, guys.
LORELAI: Oh, she's so happy.
LUKE: Yeah, and he really loves tights.
LORELAI: Oh, you want to know something weird?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: When I was at Miss Patty's, Jess was there. And he had his backpack, and it was open, and I saw this book. I thought I was seeing things.
LUKE: A book?
LORELAI: Yes. It was a self-help book with some goofy title like, "Learn to Love" or "How to Love When You're Unloved" or something like that. [Luke forces a laugh.] Isn't that bizarre?
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: Well, I'll answer for you. It is bizarre.
LUKE: Maybe he's just trying to learn something, better himself.
LORELAI: Have you seen this book?
LUKE: I know nothing about this book.
LORELAI: Those kinds of books are idiotic.
LUKE: Not if they help people.
LORELAI: I can't believe you're not mocking this book, which is so pathetically mockable.
LUKE: Maybe it's more pathetic if people don't try. And maybe he's trying. You ever think of that?
LORELAI: No, but --
LUKE: He can read whatever he wants to read. I forgot to get something to drink. You need something to drink?
LORELAI: I'm fine.
CUT TO BAR
[Graham is sitting at the bar with his friends. Rory sits alone at a table.]
JONAH: No way! No way! Duke is gonna dominate the ACC Again.
GRAHAM: No way.
JONAH: Williams? Redick? Graham, Redick has a 96% free-throw average. It's a done deal.
GRAHAM: Carolina is coming back -- no question.
JONAH: Question. Question.
GRAHAM: What is that? Your patented 5-beer comeback?
JONAH: Seven free throws, man. All season -- seven. That's it.
GRAHAM: [going over to Rory] You're not drinking.
RORY: I'm fine.
GRAHAM: So you only drink alone?
RORY: Pardon me?
GRAHAM: The lemonade?
RORY: That was just a roommate thing. I don't usually drink.
GRAHAM: Oh...pity.
[Graham's friends laugh. Everyone is having a good time except Rory.]
RORY: You want to get back to your group?
GRAHAM: Not if it's suddenly gonna get exciting over here.
RORY: I wouldn't count on it.
GRAHAM: You have got to lighten up.
RORY: Gee, that's one of my favorite phrases.
[Glass shatters.]
GRAHAM: That's a sign, boys.
JONAH: Mucky duck?
GRAHAM: Mucky duck! [to Rory] Let's go.
RORY: We just got here.
GRAHAM: Well, what's a pub crawl without the crawl?
JONAH: Who's got my keys?
RORY: He's driving?
GRAHAM: He's one of the best drunk drivers in Connecticut.
JONAH: Top fifty, easy.
GRAHAM: You ready?
RORY: Actually, I just think I'm gonna take off.
GRAHAM: What?
RORY: Yeah, I'm kind of tired.
GRAHAM: Rory!
RORY: Thanks for everything.
GRAHAM: Well, do you want me to drive you home?
RORY: We came here with Jonah.
GRAHAM: Right. Well, you need money for a cab?
RORY: I got money.
GRAHAM: I feel kind of bad.
RORY: Don't.
GRAHAM: Okay. See you later.
RORY: Bye. [under her breath] Putz. [to a passing waitress] Excuse me, is there an ATM here?
WAITRESS: A few blocks down. I wouldn't walk, though. It gets dicey at night.
[Rory sighs and pulls out her cell phone.]
RORY: Hi, it's me. I'm kind of stuck and I -- well, I didn't know who else to call.
CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT
[Zach and Brian are playing video games.]
ZACH: Okay, it looks like Brian's paying for call waiting for the next two months.
BRIAN: It's not over till it's over.
[Doorbell rings.]
ZACH: Lane, door! I'll throw in my share of next month's gas bill, I'm that confident.
BRIAN: You're gonna eat your confidence.
LANE: [opening the door] Mama.
MRS. KIM: I'm back.
ZACH: Pause it, pause it, pause it.
LANE: Come in.
MRS. KIM: This, we'll clean up. Window will be fixed. Temporary fridge. You two are girls. I'll have tea now.
ZACH: I'll boil water.
BRIAN: I'll bring you our selection.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW TOWN CENTER
[Kirk is acting as DJ.]
KIRK: Hope ye took much pleasure in Kajagoogoo. Methinks Oingo Boingo wilst soon makest an appearance. But first, please clear the floor for our happy couple...eth.
[Liz and T.J. start to dance. Lorelai walks past them on her way over to Luke.]
LUKE: [to court jester] Yeah, I'd love to see you juggle sometime. I'm a big fan of juggling. [to Lorelai] He, uh -- he juggles for money.
LORELAI: You okay?
LUKE: Yeah, yeah.
LORELAI: We okay?
LUKE: Yeah, I-I-I didn't mean to get so defensive.
LORELAI: I didn't mean to make fun of Jess and what he was reading. Maybe it's good that he had it. You know, maybe -- he's trying.
LUKE: It's okay. I mean, that book does sound pretty dorky.
KIRK: Liz and T.J. wouldst enjoy others to join them in their modest wriggles.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, so your food's probably cold. You want to go get some more?
LUKE: Sure, or we can...you know.
LORELAI: We can...do what?
LUKE: You want to dance?
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Um, you said before you don't dance.
LUKE: Well, I'm a compulsive liar.
LORELAI: Um, okay, yeah, let's dance.
[They walk over to the dance floor and join the other dancing couples.]
CUT TO BAR
[Dean hesitates at the door, looking around.]
RORY: Dean.
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Oh, thank God, a friendly face.
DEAN: What happened here?
RORY: Oh, I feel so stupid. I was on this date.
DEAN: Oh, yeah?
RORY: It was a boy that Grandma saw in diapers. And she brought him over, and I tagged along on this stupid outing tonight.
DEAN: He was in diapers?
RORY: No, she knew him when he was a little kid. So it was this whole big group of people, and they were all drinking in the car, smoking. And I just thought, "These are, maybe, the last people on earth that I would want to die in a car crash with."
DEAN: Well, I'm glad you cut it short.
RORY: Poor Grandma. It's not her fault. She was just thinking I was lonely, and diaper boy was nice and doing her matchmaker thing. Did I say that I feel stupid?
DEAN: No, that's okay. It's cool.
RORY: And hungry. I haven't eaten since breakfast.
DEAN: Well, then, let's eat.
RORY: I have no money.
DEAN: I've got money.
RORY: [to waitress] Excuse me, we'd like to order.
WAITRESS: These are your menus right here.
RORY: Oh, duh, sorry.
WAITRESS: This going on your tab?
RORY: What?
WAITRESS: That card at the counter? It's still open.
RORY: Put your wallet away, and I hope you're hungry.
DEAN: I can eat.
RORY: We will start with the sampler appetizer platter...
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Luke is walking Lorelai home.]
LORELAI: This was fun.
LUKE: Yeah, it was.
LORELAI: So, hard to figure out which part of the evening was my favorite.
LUKE: There were a few.
LORELAI: Uh, T.J. throwing his tights at the bachelors instead of Liz's garter? You ducked well, by the way.
LUKE: Pure self-defense.
LORELAI: Ooh, the choking guy being Heimliched by the court jester?
LUKE: That was good.
LORELAI: Or -- or, um, the minister making out with crazy Carrie? T.J.'s brother making out with crazy Carrie? Or that last guy making out with crazy Carrie? Who was that guy?
LUKE: I think that was her husband.
LORELAI: Poor Barry! [ Laughs ] And it might be the dance.
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: Have you been taking lessons?
LUKE: That was all God-given talent.
LORELAI: It was fun.
LUKE: Yeah, it was.
LORELAI: Well, good night.
LUKE: We should do it again.
LORELAI: What, you got another wedding coming up?
LUKE: Nah, I meant have fun. You know, like a movie or something.
LORELAI: I didn't think you were a movie guy.
LUKE: I can be a movie guy. You like movies.
LORELAI: Yeah -- good, bad, and in-between.
LUKE: How 'bout next week? Sunday?
LORELAI: Sunday?
LUKE: Sunday -- you free?
LORELAI: I-I think so.
LUKE: Okay, good. Good.
LORELAI: Good. Good.
LUKE: I'll see you...before then, but I'll see you then, too.
LORELAI: Yeah, I'll see you both of those thens.
[Lorelai stares after Luke as he walks away.]
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke walks in. Jess has his jacket on and is carrying a bag.]
LUKE: Oh, hey. You leaving?
JESS: Just hanging around, see if I'd catch you.
LUKE: Good, I'm glad you did. You can stay a couple more days, if you want. There's no rush.
JESS: Gotta get back to work.
LUKE: Right, right. Did you say "goodbye" to your mom?
JESS: Yeah, we're good. I gave her a cellphone number that's pretty permanent. Just got it. Left it for you on the fridge.
LUKE: Good.
JESS: I want to pay you back... all the money.
LUKE: You don't have to.
JESS: I want to. And I appreciate it...everything -- the money, living here.
LUKE: Well, it's good to hear, but I kind of knew that.
JESS: Yeah, but, in a relationship -- any relationship -- it's important to let the other person know you appreciate them so you don't create barriers that delay any hope for reciprocation.
LUKE: I think I read that somewhere.
JESS: Yeah?
LUKE: You're hoping for reciprocation? You got it. I'm here, Jess. I'm always here.
JESS: Thanks. [They shake hands then hug.] The tie work out?
LUKE: The tie was perfect.
CUT TO YALE
[Dean walks through the Yale campus Rory to her dorm.]
RORY: It's only hitting me now. My classes are done -- done. I don't have to think about Chaucer or Euclid or Kafka or Machiavelli for months. I can just think about Jane magazine and why did Uma wear that dress -- fun stuff like that.
DEAN: You'll still think about Kafka...and probably Chaucer.
RORY: Probably. But those other two bozos are history. You hear me? History! See in there?
DEAN: Yeah.
RORY: First semester poli sci.
DEAN: Which was your seat?
RORY: Oh, we didn't have assigned seats, but I usually sat with my back to the window so I wouldn't get distracted.
DEAN: This campus is huge.
RORY: And you're seeing it at a weird time 'cause we're probably the last two people left.
[They enter Rory's dorm.]
DEAN: Man, it's good to get out. It's good to laugh. I laughed tonight. You're funny.
RORY: I can be funny.
DEAN: That's what I just said.
RORY: Yeah, but you said it like I never am.
DEAN: You -- you're funny.
RORY: Yeah? Well, this is my room.
DEAN: I know.
RORY: Oh, right, you've been here before.
DEAN: Yeah.
RORY: Well, thanks for saving me.
DEAN: Yeah, anytime.
RORY: [uncertainly] Dean, how is it that you can be out like this, here, with me, or with anyone, for that matter? Where does Lindsay think you are?
DEAN: She thinks I'm out.
RORY: Out where?
DEAN: Doesn't matter.
RORY: What's going on with you? [The door to the building opens and Jess walks in.] What are you doing here?
JESS: I need to talk to you.
DEAN: Jess...
JESS: I need to talk to you.
DEAN: What's going on?
RORY: What are you doing here?
JESS: Rory, please.
DEAN: Rory?
RORY: [to Dean] Go -- go home.
DEAN: No.
RORY: Yes, go. You should go. [Dean leaves.] Why won't you leave me alone? You won't go away.
JESS: Rory.
RORY: What do you want?
JESS: I don't know. I just wanted to see you, talk to you. I just...
RORY: What?
JESS: Come with me.
RORY: What?
JESS: Come with me.
RORY: Where?
JESS: I don't know...away!
RORY: Are you crazy?
JESS: Probably. Do it. Come with me. Don't think about it.
RORY: I can't do that. [opens the door and walks into her room]
JESS: You don't think you can do it but you can. You can do whatever you want.
RORY: It's not what I want.
JESS: It is. I know you.
RORY: You don't know me!
JESS: Look, we'll go to New York. We'll work, we'll live together, we'll be together. It's what I want. It's what you want, too.
RORY: No!
JESS: I want to be with you, but not here. Not this place, not Stars Hollow. We have to start new.
RORY: There's nothing to start!
JESS: You're packed. Your stuff is all in boxes. It's perfect. You're ready. And I'm ready. I'm ready for this. You can count on me now. I know you couldn't count on me before, but you can now. You can.
RORY: No!
JESS: Look, you know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago, and you know it, too. I know you do.
RORY: No, no, no, no, no!
JESS: Don't say "no" just to make me stop talking or make me go away. Only say "no" if you really don't want to be with me.
RORY: No!
[Jess backs away and leaves. Rory sits down on a box and puts her head in her hands.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x21 - Last Weeks Fights, This Weeks Tights"} | foreverdreaming |
written by: Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by: Amy Sherman-Palladino
transcript by Patti Jo with assistance by Canopus
OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE - VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING
[Lorelai shuffles sleepily into kitchen where Rory is busily working]
RORY: Oh, hi! Great! I'm still on my finals sleep schedule, and, man, am I wired. What time is it? Like, 3:00 in the morning? I cannot tell anymore. Want some mac and cheese? I love mac and cheese when I can't sleep. [She checks the refrigerator while Lorelai rubs her eyes.] Cool. Individual cheese slices. So, I've been making out my résumé so I can try to get a summer job, because there is no way that I am going to swipe cafeteria cards again next year. [Buzzer sounds in background.] My whites are done. [Rory moves to the laundry room while Lorelai rests head on the kitchen table.] Do you know that the best time to do your laundry at Yale is in the middle of the night? You have your pick of washers, the place has just been swept, and the trash is completely empty. So, what do you think? [Rory brings another clothes basket to laundry room] The Stars Hollow Gazette needs a facts checker, but Rob's Tire is offering way more money. I know that now is the time to suffer for my art, but I was so brok
LORELAI: Great to have you home, hon. [She shuffles off to bed as Rory rattles the doorknob.]
CUT TO THE DRAGONFLY INN LOBBY
MICHEL: Okay, I think I've got all the rooms assigned for the test run.
LORELAI: h*t me.
MICHEL: Miss Patty is in room one, Babette is in two. I put Taylor in three, the corner room. The Siegels will go in five, you and Rory are in six -
LORELAI: W-wait, what happened to four?
MICHEL: Four is taken.
LORELAI: By whom?
MICHEL: By friends of mine. Sookie and Jackson are in -
LORELAI: Which friends of yours?
MICHEL: You said I could invite friends of mine, did you not?
LORELAI: I did.
MICHEL: Okay, so I did that. I invited two of my friends, and I put them in room four, and now room four is taken with my friends as you suggested, okay?
LORELAI: Paw-paw and Chin Chin cannot come to the test run.
MICHEL: Why not?
LORELAI: Because they are dogs, Michel.
MICHEL: They cannot stay home by themselves. They get lonely and they eat expensive Italian things.
LORELAI: Then get yourself a Chow sitter, because room four is for human beings only.
TOM: Terrific, they're on their way up. [Lorelai approaches with Michel following]
LORELAI: Oh, hey, Tom, I'm putting Post-its where we need paint touch-ups.
TOM: Got it.
LORELAI: And, you know, we got that test run Saturday. I was really hoping to have some doors by then.
TOM: I told you, the doors are coming.
LORELAI: You told me that two weeks ago.
TOM: And I'm sure I meant it.
LORELAI: Tom!
TOM: I'm calling right now.
MICHEL: I don't understand why you get to bring Rory, and I don't get to bring my Chows.
LORELAI: Because I'm mad with power.
MICHEL: They are cleaner than she is. They are quieter than she is.
LORELAI: Stop comparing your dogs to my kid.
MICHEL: As much as you love Rory, that is how much I love Paw-paw and Chin Chin.
LORELAI: I gave birth to her! I carried her inside me, and nine months and twenty-six hours later, she came out!
MICHEL: If I could have given birth to them myself, I would have, but I didn't have that choice! [They both approach Kirk loading wood into the fireplace.]
LORELAI: I think that's enough wood there, Kirk.
KIRK: I put wood in all the guest rooms and the living room, so all I have to do is store the rest of the cord you bought.
LORELAI: Okay, Michel will take you outside and show you where it goes.
KIRK: Outside? Do you really want to expose your wood to the elements?
LORELAI: We'll get a tarp. Michel?
MICHEL: Any dogs, Kirk?
KIRK: Dogs urinate on wood. I hate dogs.
[They both leave. Lorelai turns to Lulu, who is seated nearby.]
LORELAI: Going with Kirk on his rounds again, Lulu?
LULU: Uh-huh. I just love it when he looks like the Brawny paper towel guy.
LORELAI: It is a good outfit.
LULU: The place looks absolutely wonderful, Lorelai. When does it open?
LORELAI: Two weeks, but we're having a test run on Saturday -- just a bunch of friends who will hopefully still be our friends on Monday.
LULU: Sounds wonderful.
LORELAI: Hey, You and Kirk should come.
LULU: Really?
LORELAI: Sure. I'll give you Paw-paw and Chin Chin's room. We'd love to have you.
LULU: Wow, we would love to come. And I know Kirk would feel better being able to check up on the wood.
LORELAI: Kirk's lucky to have found you, Lulu. [Lulu giggles.]
CUT TO DRAGONFLY KITCHEN
[Sookie bustles around the busy kitchen inspecting the workers.]
SOOKIE: Oh, pretty garnish! That's some good mincing there. Just enough walnut. Is that fish done? It should be done. Perfect.
LORELAI: Ooh, man, it smells great in here.
SOOKIE: This is the best kitchen staff I've ever had, ever! I don't know how we got them, but they're amazing! I got to show you this mincing. Seriously…
LORELAI: No, no, no, no. I believe you. They seem terrific. But, um, Sookie, so there are seven workers in here, and we're only budgeted for five.
SOOKIE: I know.
LORELAI: [ Chuckles ] That's a problem.
SOOKIE: Yes. See, I hired seven, figuring that at least two would crap out, and then we'd have five.
LORELAI: And?
SOOKIE: And none did.
LORELAI: So what do we do?
SOOKIE: I don't know.
LORELAI: Well, maybe the test run will break a couple of them, but if no one quits, honey, you got to f*re two of them.
[Michel enters kitchen]
MICHEL: [Sighs] There are all sorts of chromosomes missing from that man.
LORELAI: Put Kirk and Lulu in room four.
MICHEL: You cut me.
LORELAI: Okay, so is that it for the rooms?
MICHEL: Basically, yes. You and Rory in six, Luke in seven.
LORELAI: Luke?
MICHEL: Yes, Luke
LORELAI: Oh! So is he coming? Luke's coming?
MICHEL: Is he not supposed to?
LORELAI: No, no, of course he was. I mean, he was invited quite a while ago...before anything happened. [Michel stares dumbfounded] I mean, I didn't know he was coming, that's all. Okay, so good. Luke's in room seven. Lucky number seven. Not that it's lucky for Luke, 'cause I don't know what's lucky for Luke, okay?
SOOKIE: Look at how he chopped these onions. I just want to shove a string through them and wear them around my neck!
MICHEL: That wouldn't be at all eccentric.
LORELAI: Oh! Oh, honey, come here. [Lorelai embraces Sookie.]
SOOKIE: What? [Lorelai chuckles.] What is that for?
LORELAI: In all the craziness, I completely forgot that today is your wedding anniversary.
SOOKIE: Oh, my god! [dashes off]
CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM
[Rory wakes from sleep with a Post-It stuck to her forehead. "Lunch at Luke's" is written on it. She sits up to find her bed filled with clean, folded laundry covering it.]
CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT
[Lane and Rory are playing video games]
RORY: Where'd he go?
LANE: I don't know.
RORY: What do I do?
LANE: I don't know!
RORY: Did I lose?
LANE: Well, you have no head, so probably.
RORY: So this is what teenage boys are doing instead of watching television?
LANE: Apparently.
RORY: Seems like a lateral move.
LANE: Hey, you hungry?
RORY: I'm starving.
LANE: Well, your timing is perfect, 'cause I went to the store yesterday.
[Lane starts pulling up floorboards.]
RORY: Are you kidding me? You just got away from the floorboard life.
LANE: Boys will eat everything. I bought vanilla-almond body lotion the other day.
RORY: No.
LANE: On chips -- mine, by the way.
RORY: So, Jess came by to see me.
LANE: You've been here 20 minutes, and you drop this now?
RORY: He just showed up at my dorm on Saturday night.
LANE: Why? What did he say?
RORY: Well -
LANE: Wait! [pulls out chip and poises to listen] [ Sighs ] Go.
RORY: I got home from this awful setup.
LANE: The guy your grandmother brought by?
RORY: That's the one.
LANE: He was that bad?
RORY: James Spader in "Pretty in Pink."
LANE: You could have just stopped at "James Spader."
RORY: Anyway, I left the pub, got back to my dorm, and Jess was there.
LANE: What did he want?
RORY: He wanted me to come away with him.
LANE: Oh, my God! What did you say?
RORY: I said -- I don't know. It was so weird. He was just... Jess. I mean, he shows up out of no where with this crazy proposal. It was awful.
LANE: It doesn't sound awful.
RORY: What are you talking about? Jess bailed on me twice.
LANE: I know, but how incredibly romantic to have this guy show up out of the blue and want to take you away with him.
RORY: When I first met Jess, I thought, "What could be better than this? He's smart, good taste in books and music, so cute." But Jess is great one minute and then the next - you know, as far as I know, I could have said yes, packed my bag, and by the time I got to the car, he would have changed his mind.
LANE: It's part of why he's cute. He's unpredictable.
RORY: I guess. You know, when I was with Dean, I always knew that no matter what happened, he would be there.
LANE: Dean was very dependable.
RORY: It was more than that. He's -- well, he was so... um, I was safe, and he was so nice to me.
LANE: He really loved you.
RORY: I think I really blew it there, you know? I didn't appreciate it.
LANE: Every girl has to fall for a bad boy. It's the rule. It's the reason so many accountants eventually get married.
CUT STARS HOLLOW STREET
TROUBADOUR: [singing] Hey, she's a piratey soul, full of vinegar and glitter, she is a song of her own, from down the wrong end of the river, wild like the lily-a-passion, have you ever had the honors - oh, no, no, no, no, no way
RORY: Hi.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai is sitting at table watching Luke intently. Rory enters.]
RORY: I can't believe you didn't wake me up.
LORELAI: Me and what army?
RORY: I only have so much time off. I don't want to waste it all sleeping till noon.
LORELAI: There was no waking you up. You were completely out of it. We're talking Farrah on "Letterman." Hey.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Luke is coming over here. I want you to pay very close attention.
RORY: To what?
LORELAI: Shh.
LUKE: Coffee?
LORELAI: Oh, sure, coffee would be great. Coffee, hon? Yeah, she'll have coffee.
LUKE: Okay. You want a minute?
LORELAI: Yes, a minute would be great.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: Well?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You notice anything?
RORY: Anything?
LORELAI: Anything weird, anything different?
RORY: About Luke?
LORELAI: Of course about Luke. Did you notice anything different?
RORY: Like what?
LORELAI: Like a vibe, an attitude. Did he look at me differently?
RORY: Differently than what?
LORELAI: Differently than he did.
RORY: Differently than he did when?
LORELAI: Before.
RORY: Before what?
LORELAI: Before before. Rory!
RORY: How on earth can you be frustrated with me right now?
LORELAI: Fine. Come here.
[Lorelai hurriedly pushes Rory out the diner door.]
RORY: What's your damage, Heather?
LORELAI: I think I'm dating Luke.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I'm not sure. It's just a possibility. I could be wrong.
RORY: But how? When?
LORELAI: I went with him to his sister's wedding, and it was really nice. We had a really good time. We laughed a lot, and we ate, and then we danced.
RORY: Danced? How?
LORELAI: We pop-locked.
RORY: Was it a fast dance, slow dance, group dance?
LORELAI: It was a slow dance. What is "group dance?"
RORY: The hustle, the hora.
LORELAI: No hustle, no hora. It was a slow dance -- a waltz. Luke can waltz.
RORY: Luke can waltz?!
LORELAI: Luke can waltz.
RORY: Look how you just said, "Luke can waltz."
LORELAI: What, I'm just saying, I'm surprised that Luke can waltz.
RORY: That sounded more like, "I'm surprised I still have my clothes on."
LORELAI: Oh, stop.
RORY: What else happened?
LORELAI: Nothing. We spent the evening together. We danced, he walked me home, then he asked me to a movie. All of these things individually do not add up to dating, but together, I don't know. And there was this moment, when he walked me home, where I thought -- I don't know.
RORY: Did you say yes?
LORELAI: When?
RORY: To the movie. Did you say yes?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: That sounds like dating to me.
LORELAI: But maybe he didn't mean it as a date thing. Maybe he just needed to get out of the house, and since I'm currently one of the women sitting home, thinking, "If I could only find a man like Aragorn," he picked me.
RORY: Okay, whoa, this is Luke.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: Our Luke -- the town Luke. We see him every day. He's a part of our lives.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: I mean, everyone will know. They'll know if you're together, they'll know if you're not together.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: You can't just date Luke. When you're with Luke, you are with Luke. And if it doesn't work out, it will be really bad for both of us. I mean, how do you feel about this? Do you want to be dating Luke?
LORELAI: Okay, we're getting ahead of ourselves here. I don't even know if this is what he's thinking. This could be a totally innocent situation, and then we've done all this what-iffing for nothing. Let's just go back in there and see if anything's weird, okay?
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay. [they re-enter diner]
LUKE: Is everything okay?
LORELAI: Yes. [nonchalantly leans against their table and tumbles entire contents making lots of noise]
LUKE: [unphased] I'll get the broom.
RORY: That was a little weird.
[Rory gazes out diner window and sees Dean across street walking on sidewalk. Their eyes meet. Rory smiles and waves. Dean frowns, changes direction and walks off. Rory's smile fades]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE DINING ROOM TABLE
LORELAI: Two radish roses for a carrot curl?
RORY: Deal.
EMILY: You're trading garnish?
LORELAI: Yes, but only 'cause the dinner's gross.
EMILY: Very nice.
LORELAI: I don't like rabbit.
EMILY: How convenient. You're not eating rabbit.
LORELAI: But this is rabbit sauce.
RICHARD: It is rabbit sauce.
EMILY: It is not rabbit sauce. Do not tell her that it's rabbit sauce.
RICHARD: It tastes like rabbit sauce to me.
EMILY: That just goes to show how much attention you give to meals that are prepared for you.
LORELAI: If it isn't rabbit, then what is it?
EMILY: It's duck.
LORELAI: Oh, well, where's that carrot curl?
RORY: I haven't seen a radish rose.
EMILY: Never mind. Don't eat it. Sriva, come get the plates. We're done.
RICHARD: Not everyone is done.
EMILY: Just bring out the dessert, please. So, Rory, I was thinking maybe we should go away this summer, just you and me. You should do Europe right at least once in your life, and this seems like the perfect time.
RORY: Oh, well, Grandma, I don't really know what I'm doing this summer yet, but that sounds really nice.
LORELAI: And really out of the blue.
RICHARD: I agree.
LORELAI: Were you going mention this to me?
EMILY: I just did.
LORELAI: No, before you opened the peanuts.
EMILY: Plans aren't made, Lorelai. It was just an idea. If Rory doesn't want to go, then Rory doesn't have to go.
RORY: Rory didn't say she didn't want to go.
LORELAI: That's right, Rory's mother was just marveling at the "hey, look over here" approach to the invitation. [She notices Richard frowning and looking impatient.] You okay, dad?
RICHARD: I'm fine. When is dessert? I have work to do.
EMILY: It's coming as quickly as the woman can spoon fruit over ice cream.
RICHARD: Well, clearly, she has carpal tunnel or some other modern disease which is slowing her down.
EMILY: If she's going too slow for you, why don't you just go into the kitchen and give her a hand?
LORELAI: I forgot to mention, we're doing a test run at the inn this weekend.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Yeah, We're inviting all our friends to spend the weekend, just to make sure we're ready to open.
RICHARD: Well, that sounds sensible.
LORELAI: Hey, you know what would be great? If the two of you came.
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: For the weekend.
EMILY: Oh.
RICHARD: Well...
LORELAI: I mean, I've been working toward this goal for, my God, what is it, Rory, now, twenty years?
RORY: Twenty years.
LORELAI: Twenty years, wow. So basically, this is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me in my life, except for Rory being born, and I'm sure my parents wouldn't want to miss it. I mean, unless there's some specific reason why you guys can't come, both of you together. No? Okay, good, so you'll be there. Fantastic. Isn't that great, Rory? Grandma and Grandpa are coming to the test run together.
RICHARD: Lorelai -
LORELAI: Dad, seriously, you have no idea how much this means to me.
EMILY: We wouldn't miss it for the world.
CUT TO EXTERIOR OF ELDER GILMORE FRONT ENTRANCE
[Lorelai and Rory exit and move towards their vehicle.]
RORY: So, inviting them to stay in the inn is going to do what?
LORELAI: I'm not inviting them to stay in the inn. I'm inviting them to stay in the bungalow 150 feet away from the inn.
RORY: Diabolical.
LORELAI: I'm going to lock those two in a room, and they are either coming out reconciled or in a body bag. Believe you me, I'm fine either way.
RORY: Well, look who died and made you Hayley Mills.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk rushes in, passes Luke to the back of diner.]
LUKE: Hey Kirk, just sit -
KIRK: We need to talk.
LUKE: Where are you going? Hey! [follows Kirk to back and into Luke's apartment] Get out of my apartment.
KIRK: This place is small. I always pictured you in a bigger place.
LUKE: Do me a favor and don't picture me in any place, okay, Kirk?
KIRK: You have nice windows, though. I don't have windows. My room at my mom's house used to be a b*mb shelter. It's very cold but great for racquetball.
LUKE: Kirk, what do you want?
KIRK: I need to talk to you. You're the only one I can confide in.
LUKE: Oh, goody.
KIRK: Lorelai invited Lulu and me to the test run of the inn.
LUKE: Uh-huh.
KIRK: Lulu is very excited about the invitation. It's all she talks about -- a romantic weekend at the inn with me. [absently shuffles through Luke's mail - Luke slaps them from his hands and sets the letters aside] Anyhow, I'm a little concerned about this invitation, because Lulu and I have never spent the night together.
LUKE: Oh well, this is not a comfortable area for me.
KIRK: I mean, we've had sex -- lots and lots of sex.
LUKE: And this is even more uncomfortable.
KIRK: We just haven't actually spent the night together.
LUKE: Why not?
KIRK: I have night terrors.
LUKE: Night terrors?
KIRK: Basically, I freak out at beddy-bye. About an hour after I fall asleep, I wake up in panic. Everything around me seems thr*at, scary, out to get me. Two nights ago, I was suddenly gripped with the overwhelming feeling that there was an assassin in my house.
LUKE: Jeez.
KIRK: I had to get out of the room before he got me, so I jumped out of bed and locked my pillow in the bathroom.
LUKE: Why?
KIRK: Because it was a b*mb.
LUKE: Of course.
KIRK: After neutralizing my pillow, I ran up the stairs, climbed out the bathroom window, scaled the trellis up the side of the house, and hid on the roof…
LUKE: Huh.
KIRK: Completely naked.
LUKE: Aw, jeez!
KIRK: The worst part of night terrors is it always ends up with me on top of the roof completely naked or running down the street completely naked or swimming in the community-center pool completely naked. That was the time I thought I was on f*re.
LUKE: Kirk, that's terrible.
KIRK: Well, I'm used to it now, so it's kind of second nature to me, but Lulu -
LUKE: Right, Lulu.
KIRK: How is she going to take it? I mean, I could scare her or ninja-kick her and lock her up with a pillow. I think I love her, Luke, and I haven't even told her that I love her. I spelled it out in chocolate-covered Oreos once, but she was really hungry, and I'm not sure if she read it first. I can't as*ault her before I tell her I love her.
LUKE: What do you want me to do about it?
KIRK: I called the Dragonfly and had them put me and Lulu in the room right next to yours. That way, if you hear anything -- screaming or Russian -- you can come in and pull me off of Lulu.
LUKE: Oh.
KIRK: Unless, when you come in, it looks like you shouldn't pull me off of Lulu.
LUKE: Kirk.
KIRK: You can use your judgment on that one.
LUKE: Kirk, I-I don't know about this.
KIRK: Please! This weekend means so much to her. I can't tell her we're not going.
LUKE: [ long suffering sigh ] Fine.
KIRK: Thank you, Luke, thank you. Remember, anything weird, just jump on in.
LUKE: I got it, Kirk. [walks Kirk to door]
KIRK: Just don't touch my bottom, or I'll think you have a machete.
LUKE: If you want this to happen, do not use the word "bottom" with me again, Kirk.
KIRK: Right. See you later. Hey, Luke?
LUKE: What, Kirk?
KIRK: What kind of clothes are you bringing?
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN FRONT DESK
SOOKIE: My kitchen staff's great -- all seven of them!
RORY: Hang in there, Sookie.
SOOKIE: If only one would suck, maybe it would rub off on the rest.
RORY: Plenty of sucking potential still out there, have some faith.
LORELAI: [talking on walkie-talkie] Tom, where are my doors? They were supposed to be here by now.
TOM: [voice on walkie-talkie] Yeah, I know. They took a wrong turn and headed to Woodbridge.
LORELAI: What?
TOM: Relax, I'm trying to track them down.
LORELAI: Um, Tom, guests are showing up here any second. They have no doors. People will have to get very friendly very quickly.
TOM: I got the guy on the phone. I'll get right back to you.
LORELAI: Tom? Tom? [Chuckles to Rory] Hey, I've changed my mind. I want to be a ballerina.
RORY: Good timing.
SOOKIE: Okay. So, we don't have doors, and every single person I hired is fantastic. We're doomed.
MICHEL: [voice on walkie-talkie] The guests are arriving. I repeat, the guests are arriving.
LORELAI: No, Michel, we still don't have doors. Is there anything you can do to stall them?
MICHEL: No. I'm bringing them up now.
SOOKIE: Boy, if he was on my kitchen staff, we'd be home free by now.
TOM: [voice on walkie-talkie] I got 'em.
LORELAI: Doors? You got the doors?
TOM: They're on their way up. My guys will be standing by to get them on.
LORELAI: Tom, I'm loving you like a two dollar whore.
TOM: Terrific. I'll tell the wife.
LORELAI: Okay. Everybody, the doors are on the way, guests are coming. Everybody outside to greet them. It's showtime. Let's go! Okay, everyone, remember, these people are not our friends. They are customers. Just relax, don't rush, and don't k*ll anybody.
SOOKIE: Here they come! [three open trolleys arrive with guests]
MISS PATTY: Oh, look at that!
[Indistinct conversations]
LORELAI: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Dragonfly Inn.
MISS PATTY: Oh, will you look at this place!
BABETTE: It's a paradise. Oh, Lorelai, the babies that are going to be conceived on this property!
MISS PATTY: Oh, are those horses! Babette, look at the horses.
LORELAI: That's Cletus and Desdemona, and if anyone would like to go for a ride, Michel can set it up for you. [Taylor approaches]
TAYLOR: The ride up here was very dusty, Lorelai. You should warn people not to wear their white pants upon arrival.
LORELAI: I will do that, Taylor.
TAYLOR: So, do I bring my own bags in or…?
LORELAI: No, you don't. Eric, Jeremy, Sam, these bags, please.
TAYLOR: The blue one has breakables.
[Tom walks up]
TOM: Okay, they're unloading them in the back. I already sent Dean in to start putting them up.
LORELAI: Great. Thank you, Tom.
RORY: I'll be right back.
LORELAI: [calls to Rory as she runs off] Make sure the keys are ready. [as Kirk and Lulu approach] Well, hey there, you two! Good to see you!
LULU: I am so excited to be here. Thank you so much for the invitation.
LORELAI: You're welcome. Have a good time.
LULU: Oh, horses. [wanders off to look closer]
KIRK: Is Luke here yet?
LORELAI: No, he's not, Kirk.
KIRK: But he's coming, right? He'll be here before I go to sleep?
LORELAI: I have no idea, Kirk. Why?
KIRK: It's a guy thing.
CUT TO INTERIOR OF DRAGONFLY ENTRYWAY
[Rory starts to climb stairs and sees Dean in the side hall carrying a door.]
RORY: Hi.
DEAN: [Breathing heavily - sets down door] Hey. [shifts uncomfortably] I have to get this upstairs.
RORY: Can't we talk?
DEAN: What about?
RORY: He didn't stay.
DEAN: Yeah. I don't care.
RORY: I told him to go. He went. He's gone.
DEAN: Well, great.
RORY: Why are you so mad?
DEAN: I'm not mad. I'm working.
RORY: I left you three messages. You didn't answer any of them. You blew me off at Luke's today. You won't look me in the eye.
DEAN: [ Sighs ] I have to go.
RORY: I told him to leave.
DEAN: You told me to leave, also.
RORY: I told you to leave so I could tell him to leave.
DEAN: That makes sense.
RORY: It does make sense, Dean. I didn't ask him to come. I did ask you to come, remember?
DEAN: I know. I just -
RORY: What -- why are you so mad?
DEAN: I thought you were back with him or something.
RORY: No, I'm not back with him.
DEAN: I thought you were.
RORY: Well, I'm not. But even if I was back with him, why would it bother you so much?
DEAN: I don't like him.
RORY: Okay.
DEAN: And I...I don't want you with him.
RORY: Right. Because he doesn't treat me right, right?
DEAN: Right. [leans in a little]
RORY: And you wouldn't want me to be with someone who doesn't treat me right, because… you're my friend, right?
DEAN: Right... I'm your friend. [leans closer to Rory]
TOM: Dean! How we doing with those doors? [They jump apart.]
DEAN: W-we're doing fine, Tom. [resumes carrying door]
CUT TO LOBBY FRONT DESK
LORELAI: there you go, Freddy, you're in room nine. Just follow your door.
[Freddy follows man carrying a door up stairs. Miss Patty approaches.]
MISS PATTY: Oh, honey, this place is spectacular.
LORELAI: Thanks, Patty. You're in room one. I hope you like it.
MISS PATTY: Oh, I just know everything's going to be perfect. There is nothing that you could do that I wouldn't love.
LORELAI: No, that is not the point here. This is a test run. We need to work out all the kinks this weekend so they don't happen again, so we're depending on your feedback, and especially your criticism.
MISS PATTY: All right, I promise to be a pain.
LORELAI: I appreciate that. Just follow your door to your room.
MISS PATTY: Oh. [Chuckles - eyes light up when she sees the young man with her door] After you, sweetheart.
[Taylor approaches]
TAYLOR: Well, you can count on me for my feedback, Lorelai. I promise you that. In fact, I've already got fourteen complaints written down.
LORELAI: Oh!
TAYLOR: Most of them are small infractions, but it's the little things -- the details -- that distinguish the Barbra Streisands from the Roslyn Kinds.
LORELAI: Absolutely, Taylor.
TAYLOR: I even took it upon myself to bring my own comment cards just in case you didn't think to supply them.
LORELAI: Well, we did supply comment cards, but I'm sure yours are even better.
TAYLOR: That was a very polite response. I'm writing that down.
CUT TO INN ENTRY STAIRS
[Kirk descends stairs]
KIRK: Excuse me, I need some stuff taken out of my room.
MICHEL: What stuff?
KIRK: The lamp, the bronze bookends, the books, the shoehorns, the sewing kit. Are the paintings bolted to the walls?
MICHEL: Yes.
KIRK: Well, bring some pliers in case simple yanking doesn't do it.
MICHEL: I am not yanking the pictures off the wall.
KIRK: Well, apparently, you've never been in love.
CUT TO INN FRONT DESK
LORELAI: There you go, room eight. [hands keys to two men] Just follow your door. [Rory approaches] Hey, you know, this door thing is actually pretty fun.
RORY: Michel said to fill in for him. Kirk has him taking the light bulbs out of all the sconces.
[Emily and Richard enter from front followed by much luggage]
LOREALI: Oh, Mom, Dad! Look, Rory, there are your grandparents and everything they own.
EMILY: You didn't tell us what attire was required, so I had to pack everything.
RORY: Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa. We're so glad you could come.
RICHARD: We're delighted to be here. May we have our key? I'm tired from the drive.
LORELAI: It takes twenty minutes to get here.
RICHARD: It felt longer.
EMILY: Which way do we go, upstairs?
LORELAI: No, mom, you and dad aren't upstairs. You're in our nicest room. Guys, will you take my parents to room twelve? The boys will take you there.
EMILY: Where are they going?
LORELAI: Just follow them, Mom.
EMILY: They're heading outside.
LORELAI: Yes. Your room has its own entrance for privacy.
EMILY: Oh. Well, fine. We'll see you later, Rory.
RORY: Bye. [Emily and Richard leave] You are the bad seed.
LORELAI: "I have the prettiest mother. Everybody thinks so." [strokes Rory's cheek while speaking in odd voice]
[Luke enters Inn with bouquet of flowers in hand - looking around. Lorelai smoothes hair, leaves Front desk and approaches Luke]
LORELAI: Hey, hi. You came.
LUKE: Sure. I RSVP'd.
LORELAI: Oh.
LUKE: Here, these are for you -- a little congratulations. [hands Lorelai the flowers]
LORELAI: Oh, my God, they're beautiful. Thank you. [flustered] I was - um…well, okay, so, we should get you all, uh, checked in. And that's...over there.
LUKE: [ Chuckles ] You okay?
LORELAI: Oh, God, yeah. Me? I'm totally fine. [turns toward the front desk and hits face into a door as man walks by] Oh!
LUKE: Lorelai!
LORELAI: [hits head again] Oh, God. Um, [Chuckles] I'm fine. No problem. [squinting in pain] Um, that was your door, so you could just follow that on up…and we'll see you at dinner. Rory? [beckons Rory to bring key]
LUKE: Are you sure you're okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine It's like the third time I did that today. It's a bit. . [Rory approaches and hands Luke his key] We're going to be the comedy inn. We finally found our theme. So, you got your key, and, uh, b-b-bye. [Luke exits up the stairs. Rory stares at Lorelai strangely.] I've locked you in before, and I will do it again. [Giggles and smells the flowers.]
CUT TO INN DINING ROOM - EVENING MEAL
[Indistinct conversations. Lorelai moves from table to table checking on guests]
LORELAI: [approaches Rory and Jackson's table] Hey, how it going?
RORY: It's going very well.
JACKSON: Very, very well.
LORELAI: [ Chuckles ] Oh, Jackson, I love the shirt.
JACKSON: Isn't it great? It's an anniversary gift from Sookie.
RORY: Sweet, huh?
LORELAI: These two kids.
JACKSON: I got to tell you, I was completely surprised. I figured, with the test run and everything, she'd be way too busy to remember.
LORELAI: Aw, What are you talking about, Sookie could never forget her mushroom man.
JACKSON: I'd love her to forget that nickname though.
RORY: The food's great, mom.
JACKSON: Yes, it is great.
RORY: Although I admit, I know the chef, so I'm a little biased.
JACKSON: You're a little biased. I'm sleeping with her.
RORY: You also grew the vegetables.
JACKSON: Oh, I did. I can't be trusted at all. [Tom walks past]
LORELAI: Wow Tom, I have never seen you in a suit before!
TOM: Really? 'Cause I'm more a suit guy than anything else.
LORELAI: Hmm. [leans back toward Rory] I'm going to make the rounds.
RORY: We'll be here. [Lorelai approaches table with Babette, Luke, and Miss Patty seated. Babette and Miss Patty are wearing fluffy hotel robes, Luke stares uncomfortably at his meal]
LORELAI: Hi, how is everything this evening?
BABETTE: Oh, my god, these robes!
MISS PATTY: What are they made of? 'Cause I am never getting dressed again.
LORELAI: [to Luke] How are you doing?
LUKE: I'm just staring at my plate.
BABETTE: He's shy. My bathrobe slipped earlier, and his poor little heart couldn't take it.
MISS PATTY: He's been staring at his salad ever since.
LUKE: I like salad. [Lorelai and Luke share a glance and a smile.]
BABETTE: Patty, you wanna try my fish?
MISS PATTY: Fish has too much mercury
BABETTE: For this fish, you'll eat the mercury
MISS PATTY: Oh yeah?
LORELAI: [ Chuckles ] Okay, well, you two go easy on him, now.
BABETTE: We'll try.
[Lorelai continues to watch Luke, walking away as she crashes into a waiter.]
LORELAI: Oh! I'm sorry, Derek.
DEREK: You okay?
LORELAI: Well, there's a debate going on about that.
[Derek leads Kirk and Lulu toward their table. Kirk leans down to Luke]
KIRK: We're all set up.
LUKE: Stop whispering in my ear, Kirk.
KIRK: I'm just saying…
LUKE: You're still doing it, Kirk. [Derek seats Kirk and Lulu at Taylor's table]
DEREK: Can I get you anything, Mr. Doose?
TAYLOR: Another pen would be nice.
DEREK: Do you have enough paper?
TAYLOR: Just the pen will be fine.
DEREK: Coming right up. [leaves]
[Sookie approaches]
SOOKIE: Hey, Taylor, how is he?
TAYLOR: Who?
SOOKIE: The kid, Derek. Is he rude, slow, stupid?
TAYLOR: No, actually, he's been an excellent waiter all evening.
SOOKIE: Crap. [Taylor looks puzzled]
CUT TO INN KITCHEN
LORELAI: Hey, I have no need of salad in my life ever, but this is amazing.
SOOKIE: He's great. [dejected tone] They're all great. What happened to the disenfranchised youth of America? Where did all these worker bees come from?
LORELAI: Cheer up, Sookie, the food's going over like gangbusters.
SOOKIE: Yeah.
[Michel enters]
MICHEL: I went to check on the backup generators. Everything is fine.
LORELAI: And the dinner's going great.
MICHEL: Everyone's settled, the doors are up.
SOOKIE: Everyone seems happy.
LORELAI: They do, don't they? …This is gonna work. [They all grin]
[Lorelai exits kitchen toward the front lobby - sees Jason standing there]
LORELAI: [dumbfounded] Uh, w-what are you doing here?
JASON: The place looks great.
LORELAI: Thank you. What are you doing here?
JASON: We need to talk.
LORELAI: Not now we don't.
JASON: I stayed away, I gave you space.
LORELAI: You gave me space? We broke up.
JASON: I didn't look at it that way. I looked at it as a cooling-off period.
LORELAI: How very revisionist of you. Jason, I'm working.
JASON: Ten minutes.
LORELAI: No!
JASON: Lorelai, we were doing great.
LORELAI: Until you decided to sue my father, yeah, we rocked. Thank you. Goodbye.
JASON: I am not leaving.
LORELAI: Jason, please, I have an inn full of people here.
JASON: Okay, um, one room, please.
LORELAI: What?
JASON: I would like a room. How much is a room?
LORELAI: No, no. Jason, you can't stay here. Every room is taken. Please go. I will call you on Monday.
JASON: I can't wait until Monday. It gives you too much time to talk yourself out of trying again.
LORELAI: First I would have to talk myself into trying again, so let's make it Tuesday.
JASON: I'll wait till you're done.
LORELAI: I'm not going to be done for two days.
JASON: I'll wait till you take a break.
LORELAI: I will not have a break for two days.
JASON: This is a terrible job. I would like a word with your boss. Who is above you?
LOREALI: Jason, I can't do this.
JASON: Lorelai, I've been sitting in my apartment for two weeks staring at a d*ad plant that you gave me. Now I know we can work this out. I am not leaving until we do.
LORELAI: Oh, boy.
JASON: Just go about your business, and when you're ready to talk, I will be here. [sits down in lobby chair - picks up book on table] Oh, look, "Above Connecticut." I've been looking for that.
LORELAI: Well... [moves off through dining room, where desert and coffee is being served. ]
CUT TO DINING ROOM -- NIGHT
[Dining tables now hold board games and various guests are grouped together to play.]
LULU: Hey, Kirk, I'm getting tired.
KIRK: You are?
LULU: Would you mind if we went to bed?
KIRK: Uh, no, that's fine. You're tired. So, then...[Shouting] Let's go upstairs and go to bed!
LULU: Okay. Good night, everyone.
KIRK: I'm right behind you. [lingers by Luke's table and jerks head, motioning to Luke]
BABETTE: I think Kirk wants you to go upstairs and make love to him.
LUKE: Will you just roll? [Babette shakes dice for Yahtzee]
CUT TO RORY AND TOM'S TABLE
[Lorelai approaches)
LORELAI: [ Sighs ] Hey, how's it going here?
TOM: She's letting me win. It's very annoying.
RORY: How's it going with you?
LORELAI: Well, we locked the kitchen crew in with Michel for twenty minutes, and it backfired a little. Six of them quit, and we have to start hiring again tomorrow. When you're done, would you run home and grab some CDs? I totally forgot to have them in case one of the guests wants to play something in their room.
RORY: Sure, no problem. Hey, you do notice that Jason's sitting in the other room, right?
LORELAI: Yeah, I'm handling it
RORY: Okay. [Lorelai exits the dining area while Luke looks on with some concern.]
CUT TO LOBBY
LORELAI: Here. [hands Jason plate of hot food]
JASON: What's this?
LORELAI: You've been sitting there all night. You must be hungry. Eat something.
JASON: Thanks. Here, sit and have dinner with me.
LORELAI: Oh, Jason.
JASON: I'll feed you. It'll be adorable.
LORELAI: How much longer are you going to stay?
JASON: Just long enough to fix everything that went wrong between us. Luckily, I'm currently unemployed. I have plenty of time. [Luke watches from a distance in dining room]
LORELAI: You're very stubborn.
JASON: I just refuse to lose the things that are important to me. [Lorelai sighs.]
CUT TO DINING AREA
[Babette rolls dice. Luke watches the activity in the lobby, oblivious to the game action]
BABETTE: Full house! Oh, my God, I'm kicking your ass!
LUKE: Hey, Babette, who's that?
BABETTE: Who's what? Oh, that's Jason Stiles. He was Lorelai's boyfriend for the last six months.
LUKE: Oh, yeah?
BABETTE: Yeah. Not exactly who I pictured her with, but he does have a very nice car. Anyhow, they were hiding their relationship from her parents, 'cause Jason was her father's business partner. Well, of course, the parents found out about it, and all hell broke loose. Jason wound up suing Lorelai's father.
LUKE: They still together?
BABETTE: I don't know. I thought they broke up, but he's here, so maybe. I could ask Patty for you if you want. Sometimes she gets the news first, 'cause her phone line picks up other people's conversations -- something about proximity to the power lines. I'll tell ya, location, location, location. [Luke continues to watch Lorelai and Jason]
CUT TO LOBBY
LORELAI: I have to get back to work.
JASON: Go, work. I'm fine. I'm comfortable. I have food, Sookie brought me wine, and I've moved on to "Gnomes of the West."
LORELAI: I'll have someone bring you out some dessert. [Lorelai walks toward front desk]
[Emily barges into lobby]
EMILY: Lorelai Gilmore, why would you do that?!
LORELAI: Do what?
EMILY: You stuck your father and me out in that Godforsaken cabin!
LORELAI: It's the honeymoon suite.
EMILY: One room, no access to the main building, pitch-black at night.
LORELAI: It's romantic.
EMILY: No television, no radio.
LORELAI: Actually there is a television. It's in the cabinet behind--
EMILY: And then the room service.
LORELAI: Roast beef and champagne.
EMILY: The one chance to get out of there, away from each other, and you yank it away!
LORELAI: Why would you want to get away from each other, Mom? Are you and Dad fighting?
EMILY: Stop it! You know! You know your father and I are separated, and you brought us out here and stuck us in the woods to stare at each other for 48 hours!
LORELAI: What was I supposed to do? You weren't saying anything, Dad wasn't saying anything.
EMILY: Of all the cruel, insensitive -
LORELAI: How was I supposed to know I was supposed to know?
EMILY: You did know!
LORELAI: But you didn't want me to know.
EMILY: Of course I didn't want you to know.
LORELAI: Exactly.
EMILY: Exactly what?
LORELAI: You didn't want me to know, so I didn't know, and now you're mad I didn't know?
EMILY: Because you did know!
LORELAI: But I wasn't supposed to know, so I acted like I didn't know!
EMILY: And then you forced your father and me to come here tonight under pretense of family obligation.
LORELAI: Well, hello, that's the Gilmore way.
EMILY: I won't stay out in that cabin one more second. I demand a room in here.
LORELAI: We don't have any rooms in here, Mom. They're all taken.
EMILY: Then bump someone.
LORELAI: Can't you and Dad just talk about it?
EMILY: No, you stop it right now! This is none of your business.
LORELAI: What happened? Was it Floyd's lawsuit?
EMILY: Lorelai, just give me a room.
LORELAI: I don't have a room, Mom.
EMILY: You don't have a room for your mother?
LORELAI: I have a room for my mother. It's the room my mother's in.
EMILY: That's not a room. That's a practical joke.
LORELAI: No, it was a chance for you and Dad to do something special.
EMILY: Fine. If you won't find me another room, then I'll just sit in there until tomorrow. [She walks into seating area of the lobby.] Jason.
JASON: Emily.
EMILY: Do you have a room?
LORELAI: No, Mom, he doesn't. He just showed up here, because, apparently, it's Blake Edwards night at the dragonfly.
[Richard enters.]
RICHARD: Emily. [sees Jason] Jason?
JASON: Richard.
EMILY: He has a room.
RICHARD: Are you trying to k*ll us?
LORELAI: [exasperated] Oh, my god.
RICHARD: I packed our things. I think it's time to go. [Emily leaves.] I hope you've had your fun.
LOREALI: Oh, yeah, it's been a blast.
JASON: Can I get their room? [Lorelai narrows her eyes and leaves.]
CUT TO LORELAI AND RORY'S HOUSE - BACK KITCHEN DOOR
[Rory opens back door]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: How'd you know I was here?
DEAN: Your mom said she sent you on an errand.
RORY: Ah, you went right to the source.
DEAN: [ Chuckles ] Can I -
RORY: Sure.
DEAN: Thanks.
RORY: I'm just trying to find some CDs for the Dragonfly.
DEAN: I hear Taylor's a big hip-hop fan.
RORY: Oh, he hops with the hippest of them.
CUT TO RORY'S ROOM
DEAN: Your room looks the same.
RORY: Yeah, I tried that whole French revival thing, but it didn't really work for me.
DEAN: So, um, is it weird being back at home after being away for a while?
RORY: No, it feels completely normal.
DEAN: So, um [Chuckles] Today...
RORY: Yes, today.
DEAN: An interesting day.
RORY: I'd authorize a case study if I could.
DEAN: You know, I could be wrong, but somehow I had a feeling that maybe if Tom hadn't have come in when he did -
RORY: Dean?
DEAN: Yeah?
RORY: Lindsay.
DEAN: It's not working with Lindsay. I can't make it work. I've tried.
RORY: Are you sure? Because I've heard that the first two years of marriage are the hardest.
DEAN: We're not happy. She's not happy, and I can't make her happy.
RORY: I can't imagine that.
DEAN: It was a mistake, and I know that now. From the very beginning, it wasn't -
RORY: Wasn't what?
DEAN: It wasn't...
RORY: Maybe you could, um, go see a counselor or go away together.
DEAN: No, it's just -- it's over. We both feel it. I know we both feel it.
RORY: You and Lindsay?
DEAN: Yeah, me and Lindsay.
RORY: You both feel it's over?
DEAN: I tried. We tried.
RORY: Well, if it's over, I'm sorry.
DEAN: You are?
RORY: I'm sorry you're not happy.
DEAN: I'll be happy again. Things happen for a reason, right? [moves closer]
RORY: Right. I can't believe this is -- that we're... [moving closer]
DEAN: I can… [They kiss. Dean slowly lowers Rory to her bed.]
CUT TO INN LOBBY
[Luke enters from dining area - all is deserted except for Luke and Jason.]
LUKE: Hey. How you doing? [approaches]
JASON: Good.
LUKE: Good. Luke Danes. [offers hand shake]
JASON: Jason Stiles. [takes Luke's hand]
LUKE: So, I see you had the pot roast. [sits down in chair next to Jason]
JASON: Yeah.
LUKE: Good, huh?
JASON: Yeah, very good.
LUKE: All the food was great tonight. So, Jason Stiles, Jason Stiles. I'll tell ya, that name is familiar.
JASON: I'm a friend of Lorelai's.
LUKE: Yeah, me too. I own the diner in town.
JASON: Yeah, she's mentioned you.
LUKE: Has she? Well, it's nice to be mentioned. [chuckles ] So, uh, [clears throat] you know Lorelai from where?
JASON: Actually, we're dating.
LUKE: You're dating?
JASON: Going on six months.
LUKE: You're dating now?
JASON: Yeah.
LUKE: Oh sorry, my mistake. I thought you two had, uh -
JASON: well, we h*t a rough patch, but we're working through it.
LUKE: Well, good for you.
JASON: when it's right, it's right, and Lorelai and I are right.
LUKE: That's great. I'm very happy for you.
JASON: Thanks. Hey, you have any idea where the men's room is?
LUKE: It's back through the dining room.
JASON: Thanks, it was nice meeting you.
LUKE: Sure, you too.
[Luke sits and stews on their conversation. He finally shakes head and rises. Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Hey. The last one up?
LUKE: No, not the last one.
LORELAI: [ Chuckles ] You okay? I heard Babette was kicking your butt at Yahtzee.
LUKE: Actually, I'm feeling pretty stupid right now.
LORELAI: Why?
LUKE: I'm not a mysterious man, am I?
LORELAI: Well, the wardrobe's a bit of a head scratcher.
LUKE: I think I've been very, very clear with my intentions -
LORELAI: Your…
LUKE: You know, the wedding, the movie invite, the flowers.
LORELAI: [ Chuckles ] Luke -
LUKE: You knew what I was doing!
LORELAI: Well, no, not officially.
LUKE: Not officially? Oh, come on. I mean, I didn't have a ref present, but other than that.
LORELAI: Well, you didn't say anything official.
LUKE: What was I supposed to say? I did things. I let my actions speak. That's what you're supposed to do. Your supposed to let your actions speak. That's the romantic way to do this, damn it.
LORELAI: Okay, you're right. I'm sorry.
LUKE: And you went along with all of it. So naturally, I assumed we were on the same page, and then your boyfriend shows up here at the inn that I invested in.
[Lorelai reacts]
LORELAI: Whoa, what boyfriend? Are you talking about Jason?
LUKE: No, Tom. Yes, Jason.
LORELAI: You guys were talking? What did he say?
LUKE: He said you were together. I mean, I was sitting there listening to this guy spout on and on about how it's right, you're right, he's right. The whole time, I'm thinking, "What the hell have I been doing all this for? She's taken." [Storms out the front door - Lorelai follows]
LORELAI: I -- I'm not taken! We broke up!
LUKE: Well, he doesn't know that!
LORELAI: Well, just calm down!
LUKE: Aw, I don't want to calm down! I did everything right! I did exactly what the book said!
LORELAI: The book?!
LUKE: I thought we were on track, and now you're standing there looking at me like I'm crazy.
LORELAI: I'm not looking at you like you're crazy!
LUKE: You know the last time I bought flowers for someone? Never! That's when! Very easy stat to remember!
LORELAI: I loved the flowers!
LUKE: And then when I walked you home after the wedding, there was a moment. I thought there was a moment.
LORELAI: There was! There was a moment. [Luke gazes at Lorelai, then moves closer.]
LORELAI: What are you doing?
LUKE: Will you just stand still?
[He gathers her in his arms and they kiss. Lorelai pulls away then moves back closer to Luke.]
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Will you just stand still?
[She holds his face as she kisses him. Luke's arms wrap around her as they kiss. She pulls away again. As they gaze at each other, Luke grasps her waist and pulls her back.]
KIRK: Aaaaah! [running down stairs, buck naked with only a pillow covering himself.] Aaah! Aaaah! [runs out the door in terror into the night] Aaaaah! Aaaah!
LUKE: I'll be right back. [Lorelai looks puzzled] I'll explain later. [runs after Kirk]
KIRK: Aaah! Aaah!
CUT TO LORELAI AND RORY'S HOUSE
[Lorelai enters front door running up the stairs]
LORELAI: Rory! Oh, my God. You're missing everything. [runs up the stairs] Grab those CDs and head back to the inn before you miss the cross-dressing midgets. That's where the night is headed. Oh! Things are happening -- big things, wow things. I have so much to tell you. [descends the stairs with box of Band-aids] Let me just open with this little tidbit -- Kirk running naked through the square. Of course, with all my careful planning and preparation, I forgot to bring Band-aids and a camera. I have got to learn that, always, without fail, Kirk equals camera. [sees Rory standing alone in kitchen] Hey, what's going on?
RORY: Dean came over to borrow something. [Dean exits Rory's bedroom to join her in kitchen]
DEAN: Yeah. [ Clears throat ] Thanks.
RORY: You're welcome.
DEAN: So, um, I should go. Um...bye, Lorelai.
RORY: Bye, Dean. [the door closes] So, I'm almost done getting the CDs together. I picked a wide selection so we'd have choices, and then I picked a bunch that probably only you will like, but it's good to have options.
LORELAI: [sighs and looks at Rory's rumpled bed] So, what did he borrow?
RORY: I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it first. I know I promised I would, but I swear, I didn't know that this was going to happen. I mean, I didn't know he was going to show up tonight, and it just happened. It's awful for you to find out like this, I know, but everything's okay. I'm okay, and we were, you know, safe. So all those Trojan man jokes all these years really apparently stuck. And I'm lucky, too, because Dean, he's -- well, aren't you glad that it happened with someone who's good and really loves me?
LORELAI: But he's married.
RORY: You don't understand the situation.
LORELAI: Is he still married?
RORY: Yes, but -
LORELAI: Then I understand the situation.
RORY: It's not working out between them. They're not happy.
LORELAI: Oh, Rory.
RORY: He tried the best he could, but it didn't work. It's over.
LORELAI: [ Sighs ] He told you that?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: He told you he's leaving her?
RORY: Well -
LORELAI: He told you he's moving out, they're getting divorced, he's got a lawyer, they've divided up the monster-truck season tickets?
RORY: We didn't get around to discussing everything.
LORELAI: You didn't get around to discussing everything?
RORY: It was a crazy night.
LORELAI: You, of all people -- the girl who thinks everything through, the list maker -- you didn't bother to discuss those things before jumping into bed with a married guy?
RORY: He's not a married guy. He's Dean -- my Dean.
LORELAI: He's not your Dean. He's Lindsay's Dean. You're the other woman.
RORY: I told you, it's over.
LORELAI: It's not over until he's out of the house with the ring off.
RORY: He took the ring off.
LORELAI: Oh, my God, I don't believe this.
RORY: He's in love with me, not Lindsay.
LORELAI: Does Lindsay know that?
RORY: She's not good for him, okay? She lets him quit school and work himself to death and -
LORELAI: No, Rory, uh-uh, you can't be one of those girls who blames the wife for forcing the husband to cheat.
RORY: He wasn't cheating.
LORELAI: He was cheating, Rory. He was cheating, and you were cheating with him. There's no other way to spin that, kid.
RORY: I'm not spinning it, and I'm not a kid. I'm 19.
LORELAI: This is your first time. It's just not the way your first time was supposed to be.
RORY: Oh, and how was my first time supposed to be?
LORELAI: Well, first of all, it was supposed to be in a retirement home. And secondly, ideally, it was supposed to be with someone single.
RORY: My first time was with someone sweet and kind who loves me.
LORELAI: I didn't raise you to be like this. I didn't raise you to be the kind of girl who sleeps with someone else's husband.
RORY: You slept with dad when he was with Sherry.
LORELAI: He wasn't married to Sherry.
RORY: He was engaged, and she was pregnant.
LORELAI: So, this is all my fault? I set one crappy example for you, and you have no choice but to follow in my footsteps? [Rory turns and walks away.] Rory, what are you going to do now? Huh? Is there a plan?
RORY: I don't want to talk about it anymore.
LORELAI: I just want what's best for you, that's all!
RORY: I don't want to talk about it!
LOREALI: I just don't want you to get hurt, Rory. What if he doesn't leave her? Now you're all emotionally involved.
RORY: You're just mad because I didn't come running to you to discuss whether or not I was ready for this step. I decided it on my own.
LOREALI: Well, obviously, you weren't ready for this step. The very fact that you chose another girl's guy to sleep with proves that!
RORY: He was my boyfriend first!
LOREALI: But you dumped him! You rejected him! You picked someone else!
RORY: Stop it! [walks away]
LORELAI: Rory!
RORY: I hate you for ruining this for me! [Walks out front door and pulls on sweater. Dials a number on her cell phone]
LINDSAY: [answering phone] Hello? Hello? Hello?
[Rory hangs up and sinks to her knees. Lorelai exits the front door and watches her daughter sobbing on the front lawn.]
THE END | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "04x22 - Raincoats and Recipes"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino
transcript by Patti Jo with assistance by Canopus
ANNOUNCER: When Last Season ended, a long awaited romance began, a marriage began to fall apart, and an unexpected mistake. Now as the new season begins, a new love grows, a reckless desire continues, and the Gilmores' unbreakable bond lies in jeopardy. And now, we'll take you back to the moment that changed everything.
OPEN IN LORELAI GILMORE FRONT YARD
[Long view of Rory's bedroom window]
DEAN: [OS] I love you, Rory.
RORY: [OS] I love you, too, Dean.
CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM
[Rory and Dean lie together in her single bed, following their lovemaking]
RORY: Are you comfortable? Am I k*lling your arm?
DEAN: My arm is fine.
RORY: I could move.
DEAN: Don't you dare move.
RORY: This right here, is -- the textbook definition of a perfect moment.
DEAN: Yeah, it is.
RORY: And earlier? [pause]
DEAN: That was pretty perfect too. However, as a guy, I was trying not to be a pig. [kisses her shoulder gently]
RORY: And I'm happy, are you happy?
DEAN: I'm very happy.
RORY: [smiling] Happy, but not chatty?
DEAN: I'm just… trying to make sure that all this is really happening.
RORY: It is. [they kiss] Hey, you know what I think we need?
DEAN: What?
RORY: A song. Like a song that's "our song".
DEAN: Okay.
RORY: Something romantic, but not mushy, something that will make us remember this.
DEAN: [chuckle] Ah, believe me, I'm remembering this.
RORY: Oh, I know. [She reaches over to the nightstand and loads a nearby CD into her player and turns it on.] Okay. Perfect. So, from now on, no matter what you're doing, where you are, you'll stop and think of me when you hear this [clicks remote on. Sammy Davis Jr.'s "The Candy Man" plays.]
DEAN: [laughs] That's not gonna be our song.
RORY: Why not? It's perfect. It's happy. It's hopeful. It has the word 'candy' in it. Hey, what is more hot than candy?
DEAN: Pick something else.
RORY: [She bobs to the music b*at and repeats the lyric in a high squeaky voice] "Who can take the sunrise… sprinkle it with dew"
DEAN: Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll pick something else. [He struggles to snatch the remote from her.]
RORY: No.
DEAN: Hand it over, I can't take it anymore.
RORY: This is what happens when the women get the remote, ah-ha!
[Thud noise from outside the bedroom interrupts them]
DEAN: What was that? [door closes]
LORELAI: [OS] Rory!
[CUT TO THE KITCHEN A FEW MOMENTS LATER]
[Rory darts out of her room followed closely by Dean]
LORELAI: Hey, what's going on?
RORY: [smoothing her hair] Dean came over to borrow something.
[CAMERA POV CHANGES TO KITCHEN DOOR LOOKING IN FROM OUTSIDE]
DEAN: Yeah, thanks.
RORY: You're welcome.
DEAN: Well, ah, I should go... bye, Lorelai.
RORY: Bye, Dean.
[Dean walks out the kitchen door and closes it. He listens to the conversation coming from inside]
LORELAI: [OS] So, what did he borrow?
RORY: [OS] I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it first. I - I know I promised I would, but I swear, I didn't know that this was going to happen. I mean, I didn't know he was going to show up tonight, and it just happened. It's awful for you to find out like this, I know, but everything's okay. I'm okay, and we were, you know, safe - so all those Trojan Man jokes all these years really apparently stuck. And I'm lucky, too, because Dean, he's -- well, aren't you glad that it happened with someone who's good and really loves me?
LORELAI: [OS] He's married.
RORY: [OS] You don't understand the situation.
LORELAI: [OS] Is he still married?
RORY: [OS] Yes, but -
LORELAI: [OS] Then I understand the situation.
[Outside, Dean cringes and walks around to the front of the house to leave. The conversation still audible, he sees Rory through the lacey drapes and pauses.]
LORELAI: [OS] I just want what's best for you, that's all!
RORY: [OS] You're just mad because I didn't come running to you to discuss whether or not I was ready for this step. I decided it on my own.
LORELAI: [OS voice fades as Dean exits] Obviously, you weren't ready for this step.
[CUT TO EXTERIOR FRONT DOOR]
[Rory exits front door and pulls on sweater. Dials a number on her cell phone, as she steps off the front porch]
LINDSAY VOICE: [answering phone] Hello? Hello? Hello?
[Rory hangs up and sinks to her knees and begins to cry. Lorelai exits the front door and watches her daughter sobbing on the front lawn. She slowly approaches her daughter, bends over her and gently touches her shoulder.]
LORELAI: Hey. [Rory flinches from her touch] Let's just talk.
RORY: No. [She stands and stumbles back into the house. Lorelai looks grim.]
[OPEN IN ELDER GILMORE HOME FRONT DOOR]
[Door opens and Emily rushes in with determined purpose. Richard enters at a slower pace and follows her to small cluttered desk in a corner.]
RICHARD: You do realize you just leapt out of a moving vehicle.
EMILY: Everything cannot be on your schedule, Richard. [shuffles through small drawers on the desktop] Now, where is it? I know I put it in here. [She picks up a small, thin blue booklet.] Aha!
RICHARD: In all the years we've been together, I have never seen you behave as irrationally as -- Emily, I'm talking to you! Will you stop? [Emily storms down the hallway, brushing aside a nearby potted palm tree frond] Emily, this feud of ours has now reached comical heights that… Charlie Chaplin, himself, would find hilarious, and he's d*ad.
EMILY: Don't follow me, Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, wait, come back. Let me get you a cane and a derby.
[CUT TO BASEMENT]
[Emily descends the stairs to a room crowded full of boxes, trunks, unused furniture, dusty oil paintings, a discarded pool table, old silver trays and brass pieces. Richard follows her.]
RICHARD: What are you doing?
EMILY: I'm looking for my European luggage, which some imbecile has chosen to hide from me.
RICHARD: What do you need your European luggage for?
EMILY: To put things in.
RICHARD: You're making a mess.
EMILY: I don't care if I'm making a mess.
RICHARD: Well, who's going to clean all this up, you?
EMILY: Yes, me, or the maid, or perhaps Pennilyn Lott could come by after one of your clandestine luncheons and take a s*ab at it.
RICHARD: Oh, for heaven's sakes. Not that again. She's just a friend!
EMILY: [provoking grin] I am going to Europe, Richard. I am going to Europe, and I'm going to have a marvelous time. I'm going to get up at 10:00, and I'm going to have two glasses of wine at lunch every single day.
RICHARD: Only prost*tute have two glasses of wine at lunch.
EMILY: Well, then buy me a boa and drive me to Reno because I am open for business.
RICHARD: I -- I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'm going to bed. [exits to stairs]
EMILY: You go to bed. I'll go to France.
[Richard climbs the stairs to the main floor. Door slams ]
[ After a pause, light piano music begins playing faintly from upstairs. Emily struggles with a large steamer trunk, dragging it up the stairs. As she reaches the door, she grasps the door knob and discovers the door won't budge.]
EMILY: Richard! Richard! [pounds on the door] The door is stuck! Richard! This isn't funny!
[She descends the stairs and looks around anxiously. Spying a high set window, she approaches and opens it and calls out.]
EMILY: Richard? Richard!
RICHARD: [OS] Emily?
EMILY: You locked me in.
RICHARD: [OS] I did not lock you in.
EMILY: You certainly did lock me in.
RICHARD: [OS] The door must be jammed. Did you try jiggling the knob?
EMILY: I suppose I could do that, or you could just get the hell down here and let me out!
RICHARD: [OS] Give me a moment, please.
EMILY: If you don't come down here right now, I will climb out the window.
RICHARD: [OS] You will not climb out the window.
EMILY: I will. I will climb out the window right now.
RICHARD: [OS] Don't you dare.
EMILY: I'm doing it. I'm climbing out the window. [she begins crawling out the window]
RICHARD: [OS] You better not climb out the window.
EMILY: [skirt catches on a nail] Damn it.
RICHARD: [OS] Emily Gilmore, I better not catch you climbing out the window. [sounds of footsteps]
EMILY: [panics and unzips her skirt to break free] I'm out the window. I'm out the window.
RICHARD: [descends the stairs] Get down from there.
EMILY: No! [slips out the window in only her sweater and hose]
RICHARD: Emily, get back here. Emily! [snatches her empty skirt dangling from nail]
[CUT TO EXTERIOR]
[Emily pulls her long sweater tightly down to cover herself and tiptoes to the back. Door opens ]
RICHARD: Are you having an aneurysm or something? Get inside and put this on.
EMILY: Get away from me!
RICHARD: Do you seriously think after 39 years of marriage, I would resort to locking you in a basement? [follows her to front of house]
EMILY: I don't know what you'd resort to. I don't know who you are at all.
RICHARD: I knew the mental illness in your family would catch up with you eventually.
EMILY: Aunt Cora was not ment*lly ill! She was athletic!
[flashing lights of a car approaches]
RICHARD: Oh, fine.
[ Indistinct talking over radio. Door of a DuBaldo Security Systems car opens and officer approaches. ]
SECURITY OFFICER: Is there some sort of problem here, folks?
RICHARD: No. There's no problem.
SECURITY OFFICER: We got a call from some of your neighbors complaining about a disturbance.
RICHARD: We apologize. We're going inside right now.
EMILY: Do not tell me what to do.
SECURITY OFFICER: Can I have your security password, please?
RICHARD: [sarcasm] Look, it's getting late, so either sh**t us or go away.
SECURITY OFFICER: Fine. We'll just write up a report here and be on our way.
EMILY: Are you happy, Richard? Now there's a report, and a report means we'll be in the police blotter. Petal Huffington reads the police blotter religiously. It's like heroin to her. You've turned us into the scandal of the neighborhood. [Officer exits.]
RICHARD: Do you know what, Emily? If nothing else, this display tonight demonstrates clearly that you are no longer the woman I married.
EMILY: The woman you married was your partner. You listened to her. You consulted with her. You respected her. So, you are right, Richard. I am definitely not the woman you married. [ Engine turns over as she exits to the house]
[CUT TO INTERIOR OF DRAGONFLY INN - FRONT DOOR]
[Lorelai enters and immediately sees Luke in the front sitting room. Kirk is propped face first on the sofa naked, his butt in the air and a blanket covering him. ]
LORELAI: Oh, no.
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: What happened?
LUKE: He landed butt first in Taylor's rose bushes.
LORELAI: Oh, poor thing!
LUKE: Didn't slow him down, though. I managed to tackle him as he headed toward the miniature goat pen, dragged him back here, threw one of your blankets over him, and, well, there he is -- he's gonna be fine.
LORELAI: Well, that's good.
LUKE: Yeah. So, you were gone for a while.
LORELAI: Yeah, I just had some things to take care of at home. Are you sure he can breathe?
LUKE: Oh, yeah, I propped his head up. ? [He notices she is distracted.] So, uh...you okay?
LORELAI: Yes, I'm fine.
LUKE: Okay, just -- nothing you want to talk about with -- with me or - ?
KIRK: Oh!
LORELAI: Oh my God. We need to take him upstairs.
KIRK: [still face down] LuLu can't see me like this.
LORELAI: But, Kirk --
KIRK: [hysterical] LuLu can't see me like this!
LORELAI: Okay, she won't. I promise. Can I take a look?
KIRK: [quickly responds] Okay.
LORELAI: I don't want to take a look.
LUKE: Well, I'm not looking.
[Sookie descends the stairs and approaches]
SOOKIE: Hey! It's a party. What's everybody doing up?
LORELAI: Aw, hey, good timing, Squiggy.
[Luke and Lorelai approach Sookie]
SOOKIE: I was just going to check on my loaves and make sure they're rising properly. The air's a little more humid than I thought it was going to be, and if the loaves aren't rising properly, then -- what are you doing? [They both pull Sookie closer to the sofa]
LORELAI: We need you to look at Kirk's butt.
SOOKIE: Why?
LORELAI: Well, because he ran into some rose bushes, and he's got some thorns stuck in it, and I thought of you.
SOOKIE: Me? Why me?
LORELAI: Well, because... you're a chef.
SOOKIE: What?
LUKE: And you have a kid.
LORELAI: Yes, that's better. You have a kid.
LUKE: Neither of us has kids. Well, she does, but it's big and -- and -- and can look at her own butt.
LORELAI: I got this, thanks.
SOOKIE: Okay, well... oh, oh! I'm gonna need Bactine, antiseptic, and lots of hot towels.
LORELAI: I'll go. I'll be right back. [she exits]
KIRK: Ohh.
SOOKIE: Hey, Kirk? How are you feeling?
KIRK: Is Luke here?
LUKE: I'm right here, Kirk.
KIRK: Sorry I bit you.
LUKE: It's okay, Kirk.
KIRK: They were after me, so I ran away.
SOOKIE: Who was after you, honey?
LUKE: Assassins. He thinks assassins are after him.
KIRK: They were under my bed in my room, so I ran, and they followed me down the hall, down the stairs, past Luke and Lorelai kissing, through the yard, over that fence. [Sookie rolls her eyes and smiles in disbelief, Luke looks uncomfortable]
SOOKIE: Well, the assassins are gone now, Kirk.
KIRK: I imagined them?
SOOKIE: I think so.
KIRK: What about Luke kissing Lorelai?
SOOKIE: [ Chuckles ] I think you imagined that, too. [she glances at Luke and does a double take when she sees his expression]
KIRK: They looked so real.
SOOKIE: Okay, Kirk, you just settle down and relax, and I'll be right back. [She drags Luke away from the sofa out of earshot.] Ohh. [ Gasps ] Oh, my God!
LUKE: Sookie!
SOOKIE: You kissed?
LUKE: [tries to suppress a grin] Yes.
SOOKIE: I can't believe she didn't tell me. Why didn't she tell me?
LUKE: It just happened.
SOOKIE: Ooh, Luke, that's wonderful! [pulls him into a big hug]
LUKE: [ chuckles ] Thanks.
SOOKIE: [giggling with excitement] I can't wait to tell Lorelai it's wonderful!
LUKE: Um, could you maybe not say anything for a little while?
SOOKIE: Why?
LUKE: Well, I'm just not so sure she wants this out yet.
SOOKIE: What makes you think that?
LUKE: Do me a favor and keep it to yourself. Let her tell you if she wants to, okay?
SOOKIE: Sure. Okay. Call me Belinda, 'cause my lips are sealed.
LUKE: Thank you. [chuckles]
SOOKIE: Hey, Luke?
LUKE: Yeah?
SOOKIE: This is good. [exits to return to Kirk leaving Luke alone]
LUKE: I hope so.
[CUT TO DEAN AND LINDSAY'S APARTMENT]
[Dean quietly enters and deposits his keys on the entry table]
LINDSAY: Hey.
DEAN: [Startled, he turns around and sees her sitting at kitchen table] Hey.
LINDSAY: My mom brought by brownies. [Dean doesn't respond but walks past her to the kitchen] You worked late again.
DEAN: Yeah.
LINDSAY: Do you have to work tomorrow?
DEAN: I work at Doose's tomorrow.
LINDSAY: Oh. Well, will you be home for dinner? 'Cause I was thinking of cooking or something.
DEAN: I guess. I'll try. I don't know.
LINDSAY: You want a brownie?
DEAN: No.
LINDSAY: My mom put gummy bears in them like I'm still three or something. [silence] Oh yeah, and I found your phone. It had fallen in the couch cushions.
DEAN: Thanks.
LINDSAY: It rang a little earlier, about 20 minutes ago. I answered, but they hung up.
DEAN: You answered my phone?
LINDSAY: Well, it kind of woke me up.
DEAN: Why are you answering people's phones?
LINDSAY: Dean.
DEAN: I mean, you know it's my phone, Lindsay. This isn't your phone. I mean, who was it?
LINDSAY: I don't know. They hung up.
DEAN: So you didn't take a message?
LINDSAY: I told you -- they hung up.
DEAN: So, great, uh, you're just answering my phone and not taking messages? That's great, Lindsay.
LINDSAY: Dean, wh--
DEAN: Taylor calls on this phone, and Tom. I mean, this phone is for business, okay? That's why I have it!
LINDSAY: Fine.
DEAN: What if Tom called, and he had an extra shift for me tomorrow, huh? I mean he calls to tell me, and you answer, and he thinks maybe he doesn't have the right number, and he hangs up, and then I just lose out, which means we lose out. God, Lindsay, you know, you don't -- you don't get it, do you? I mean, you have absolutely no respect for me at all. That's just obvious.[ Sighs ]
LINDSAY: I don't want to fight. We always fight. I won't answer your phone anymore. I was asleep. I didn't think. I'm sorry, okay?
DEAN: Yeah...okay.
LINDSAY: You coming to bed?
DEAN: In a minute.
LINDSAY: [ Inhales ] Okay. [stands to leave] You mad at me?
DEAN: No. Just tired. Long day. I'll be right there.
[CUT TO BREAKFAST BUFFET LINE AT DRAGONFLY INN - MORNING]
[LuLu and Kirk are admiring the food table and taking samples on their plate
LULU: Everything looks so good.
SOOKIE: [giggles] I know it does.
LULU: [they move to a small nearby table. LuLu sits down.] I want half of that cranberry square.
KIRK: Okay.
LULU: Kirk, sit.
KIRK: I'm good.
LULU: You can't eat standing up like that. My mother says it gives you cancer.
KIRK: Really? Mine, too.
[Jackson enters]
JACKSON: Hey, look who came to visit.
BABETTE: Oh, my God, the baby's here!
SOOKIE: [approaches] Hey, Shortstuff. How's it hangin'?
JACKSON: He just came to say hi to everybody and to see the place on which his entire college education depends. What do you think? Is it gonna be Ivy League, or is it gonna be "Murray's House of Learnin'"?
SOOKIE: If we're going by the donut demand, I think he's in pretty good shape.
JACKSON: Okay, Ivy League it is. [baby talk to Davey] I just hope you're not stupid. Yeah?
SOOKIE: Well, you have fun. Mommy's gotta get back to work. Be nice, and don't throw up on the buffet.
PATTY: Jackson, you get over here right now with that baby.
[CUT TO FRONT LOBBY NEAR STAIRS]
[employee approaches Michel and presents a clipboard]
EMPLOYEE: Can you sign this? [when finished he exits as Taylor descends the stairs]
[Michel ignores him]
TAYLOR: Michel, hold it right there. Michel. Michel, I have a complaint. Michel? Michel?
MICHEL: Can I help you?
TAYLOR: I was talking to you, and you just walked away from me.
MICHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were calling someone else.
TAYLOR: Someone else named Michel?
MICHEL: If only I could read minds. What can I do for you?
TAYLOR: One of my shoes is missing, and the other has been chewed.
MICHEL: Is this a riddle? I'm very busy.
TAYLOR: No, this is not a riddle. This is fact. Look at this shoe. This shoe was practically brand-new, worn twice, and only on smooth-surface floors. [Lorelai descends the stairs and avoids them] I leave it in your hallway, and in the morning, I find this. [LuLu and Kirk enter. Kirk overhears their conversation]
KIRK: Oh, my God, what have I done? [rushes after LuLu up the stairs]
[Lorelai enters and approaches]
LORELAI: Excuse me. I'm sorry. Taylor, why did you leave your shoe in the hallway?
TAYLOR: Your complimentary shoeshine.
LORELAI: Our - [Confused]
MICHEL: I don't know what he's talking about.
[Luke bounds down the stairs with his duffel bag over his shoulder]
LUKE: Hey, Lorelai --
TAYLOR: Oh, no problem, Luke. Butt right in. I couldn't possibly be talking about anything important.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: Uh. [She joins Luke a few feet away]
LUKE: I just -- I have to get back to the diner.
LORELAI: Okay, well, um - I… [glances at Michel and Taylor]
TAYLOR: I'm still standing here.
LORELAI: I have to - [distracted]
LUKE: Uh, sure.
LORELAI: Okay. But, thank you so much for coming.
LUKE: Okay, I'll...guess I'll see you later.
LORELAI: Yeah. [immediately returns to Taylor and Michel]
TAYLOR: You think I'm making all this up.
[Luke hesitates at the door watching her before leaving]
LORELAI: No, Taylor, I don't think you're making it up.
MICHEL: You're making a scene is what you're making.
TAYLOR: All right, fine. I'm going to find wherever I read that you said you have shoeshine service. I'm going to show you, and then he can take that look off his face.
LORELAI: Taylor, seriously, I completely believe you. [calls after him as he storms off]
MICHEL: That man is why mail-order brides were invented.
LORELAI: Mm.
[Michel exits and she turns to see Rory enter the front door]
LORELAI: Oh, my, my. Well, what a surprise.
RORY: People will expect me to be here for breakfast.
LORELAI: Yes, they will.
RORY: Okay, so I'm here for breakfast.
LORELAI: Enjoy! [Rory enters to dining room]
BABETTE: Rory, we were wondering what happened to you.
RORY: I just ran home early this morning to get something. Hey, Davey. Came for breakfast?
PATTY: Yes, he did. Didn't you, Davey?
JACKSON: Yeah, he did. Oops, he's got that look on his face. You might want to give him back to me.
PATTY: Oh, please, if I went running every time some guy tried to crap all over me, I never would have gotten married. [Lorelai passes through to the kitchen]
[CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN KITCHEN]
[Lorelai enters]
LORELAI: Hey, Sookie, what did you want to talk - Oh my!
SOOKIE: [ Squeals and hugs Lorelai] I'm so happy!
LORELAI: I'm so glad you're so happy! Is this is a normal happy or was there cooking sherry involved?
SOOKIE: I promised I wouldn't say anything, but I can't help it! It is so wonderful. Do you know how wonderful it is?
LORELAI: No, no, I don't, but I would love to weigh in.
SOOKIE: You're with Luke!
LORELAI: Ah, how did you know?
SOOKIE: Luke told me.
LORELAI: Oh?
SOOKIE: No, I'm sorry, Luke didn't tell me. Kirk told me.
LORELAI: Kirk told you?
SOOKIE: He saw you. He saw you kiss Luke. Oh, my God! You were kissing Luke!
LORELAI: Well, Sookie, I --
SOOKIE: I am so glad! You two are perfect for each other. I have always thought that someday, if you just sort of turned around and opened your eyes that you'd see it, and now that you have, I'm just so damn happy.
LORELAI: Well, I'm --
SOOKIE: You're not gonna die alone. I mean, somebody will be there. Somebody will know. Somebody will find the body and call the police and --
LORELAI: Yes, that is a relief. I can't believe Kirk saw us. I thought he was asleep.
SOOKIE: Don't worry. I convinced him he was dreaming it all, so I don't think he'll say anything. I know you're concerned about that. Why are you concerned about that?
LORELAI: Who said I was concerned about that?
SOOKIE: Luke -- he asked me not to say anything. He said he wasn't sure if you wanted it out. Why wasn't he sure if you wanted it out?
LORELAI: I don't know.
SOOKIE: How was it?
LORELAI: How was - ?
SOOKIE: You know. Was it on top of a table? 'Cause I always thought it would be on top of a table -- oh, like in "Bull Durham"!
LORELAI: There was no sex.
SOOKIE: No sex? Why no sex? [ Gasps ] Can't Luke?
LORELAI: I'm sure he can. There was no time. Everything happened so fast. We were here with the town -- and my parents flipping out and Jason showing up. Oh, no! Jason! What happened to Jason?
SOOKIE: Oh, his condo was on f*re.
LORELAI: It was?
SOOKIE: Well, that's what Michel had me say when we called his cell phone. Hey, you don't seem happy.
LORELAI: About what?
SOOKIE: About Luke!
LORELAI: Of course I'm happy about Luke. It's just new. I'm still processing it, that's all.
SOOKIE: But he knows you're happy, right? I mean, he knows you're processing, but once you process, there's gonna be sex, right?
LORELAI: He knows. I think he knows. He should know. I hope he knows.
SOOKIE: Well, make sure he knows, okay? Because you two together -
LORELAI: Equals getting to the morgue before I smell. I got it.
SOOKIE: Okay. [giggles]
[CUT TO FRONT LOBBY]
[Lorelai enters and sees Rory at the front desk]
LORELAI: Hey. Finish your breakfast already?
RORY: Yeah, I was just leaving you a note.
LORELAI: Oh, you kind of wolfed it down, there.
RORY: I'm a light eater.
LORELAI: So, um, you leaving?
RORY: Yep.
LORELAI: Rory, don't you want to talk?
RORY: We already did.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, but you didn't hear what I wanted to talk about, which was how Jackson is probably gonna have to dislocate several of Davey's limbs trying to pry him away from Patty and Babette.
RORY: I have to go.
LORELAI: [ Sighs ] Rory, can't we just sit down for a second and talk about this?
RORY: I already heard everything you had to say last night.
LORELAI: You know what? Fine. I give. It's your life. Do what you want.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: You're 19. You know what you're doing.
RORY: I do know what I'm doing.
LORELAI: So you don't want to talk. We won't talk.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: I wasn't thinking we had to talk like mom and kid. I thought we could talk as friends, but hey, forget it.
RORY: I will.
LORELAI: Not that I take back what I said.
RORY: That's your perogative.
LORELAI: [ Clears throat ] I mean, he's married, and as your friend, I have every right to point out the obvious.
RORY: Which you did twice now.
LORELAI: Okay, and I stand by it, though I felt maybe I could help you figure out how to handle this as your friend who you usually turn to to help you figure out how to handle things, but if you don't want to talk, then fine.
RORY: Great.
LORELAI: We won't talk.
RORY: Love the thought.
LORELAI: Don't worry about me nagging you to talk anymore. I'm out.
RORY: Terrific.
LORELAI: In fact, I'm really busy, so if you did change your mind --
RORY: Which I won't.
LORELAI: Okay. But if you did, I'm sorry. I can't help. Taylor lost a shoe, so get in line.
RORY: Any end to this speech in sight?
LORELAI: Bye.
[Rory exits and door slams ]
[ Footsteps down that stairs - Taylor spies Lorelai]
TAYLOR: Aha! I told you I'd seen it somewhere. Look at this.
LORELAI: Ah, right. Uh, Michel, hi. Could you come over here for a minute? Very sorry about this, Taylor.
MICHEL: Yes?
LORELAI: Hey. Here I have a list of services, all printed up nice and neat, including seaweed wraps, facial peels, watsu massage, and complimentary shoeshines, all of which we do not offer.
MICHEL: Well, we should.
LORELAI: Michel.
MICHEL: I mentioned them several times before, but you don't listen to me. Sookie wants to make each guest a meringue hat, and you say, "Oh, Sookie, what a brilliant idea." But I want to pamper our guests with services that we don't have, and you tell me to answer the phone.
LORELAI: I'm very sorry about this, Taylor. We will replace your shoes, I promise you.
TAYLOR: Fine. I'm a 6 1/2, narrow.
LORELAI: Okay. I can't believe you did this.
MICHEL: Oh, you can too.
LORELAI: Get on the phone and find me shoes and have them here by tonight, and get your dogs off the premises immediately.
MICHEL: My dogs aren't --
LORELAI: It's been a rough weekend. Don't screw with me.
MICHEL: If Kirk can sleep inside, why can't my Chows?
LORELAI: Get them and take them home.
MICHEL: Okay, okay, I just have to locate Pau-Pau.
LORELAI: What?
MICHEL: He went out for a walk. He's around. He was just testing his boundaries.
LORELAI: Apparently, so are you.
MICHEL: I'm going. [ Whistles ] Pau-Pau?
[Lorelai pulls out her cell phone and dials number]
[CUT TO LUKE'S DINER DURING LUNCH RUSH]
[ Telephone ringing - Luke answers ]
LUKE: Luke's.
LORELAI: Hey. [scene switches back and forth between diner and inn]
LUKE: Hello?
LORELAI: [ Louder ] It's me.
LUKE: Oh, hi.
LORELAI: Can we talk?
LUKE: Well, we're kind of busy.
CAESAR: [places two plates on kitchen ledge] Burger and patty melt.
LORELAI: I just wanted to talk.
LUKE: Talk about what?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Talk about what?
LORELAI: Could you find a quieter place?
LUKE: Like where?
LORELAI: Just go outside.
LUKE: Phone doesn't reach outside.
CAESAR: [presents another plate of food] Something that looks like tuna.
LORELAI: Use your cell phone.
LUKE: Uh, I don't have a cell phone.
LORELAI: What happened to the phone Nicole gave you?
LUKE: She got it back in the divorce. Actually, I threw it in the lake after the divorce.
[ Davey crying at the inn - Dishes crashing at the diner]
LUKE: Jeez, what the hell is going on over there?
LORELAI: What's going on over there?
LUKE: Hold on!
LORELAI: You hold on, too.
[Luke stretches phone cord into storeroom and shuts door. Crying continues as Lorelai moves to the inn front closet. Closes the door and leans against it. Noises fade]
LORELAI: I'm good.
LUKE: I'm good, too.
LORELAI: Good!
LUKE: So...you wanted to talk.
LORELAI: Yeah. I just realized that, uh, you know, when I got back last night, I was, um, a little distracted. [slowly slides down the door to sit on the floor and notices Pau-Pau laying next to her chewing on Taylor's missing shoe] Uh,eh.
LUKE: Hey, no big deal.
LORELAI: Uh, no, no, it really was a big deal. I just, um --
LUKE: Seriously, you don't need to --
LORELAI: We kissed. [silence as Luke smiles while remembering] You and me, we kissed?
LUKE: I remember.
LORELAI: And it was...unexpected.
LUKE: Lorelai, relax. I'm fine if you want to just forget it ever happened, really.
LORELAI: No, I don't want to forget it ever happened. It was a great kiss.
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: If one of us had been a frog, it would have had some seriously impressive consequences.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: So, what do you think?
LUKE: I think I'm really relieved you feel that way.
LORELAI: So you concur?
LUKE: Dear God, yes.
LORELAI: Good. So, then, I guess we'll discuss this later.
LUKE: Tonight?
LORELAI: Tonight.
LUKE: Okay. Thanks for the call.
LORELAI: Well, my pleasure.
[ Phone clicks, dial tone ]
LORELAI: You better finish that whole thing, Pau-Pau.
[CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK]
[Rory walks to a payphone and hesitatingly dials a number]
RORY: Hi, it's me. We need to meet.
[CUT TO MISS PATTY'S DANCE STUDIO]
[ Knocking on door ]
RORY: Come in.
DEAN: [whispers] Hey.
RORY: Hey.
DEAN: I'm glad you called.
RORY: Me too.
DEAN: Everything okay at home?
RORY: Yeah. Everything's okay.
DEAN: Good. [moves closer and takes her hands] Did I ever tell you I like your hair?
RORY: My hair?
DEAN: Your shorter hair.
RORY: It's grown out a little.
DEAN: I like it.
RORY: I like it, too.
[Their foreheads touch, then they kiss.]
DEAN: So, um, you wanted to talk?
RORY: Yeah, talk. [Dean caresses her arm and face before he leans close again] words... wow. [Their kiss becomes more passionate.]
[CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT - LANE'S BEDROOM]
LANE: [shocked] You what?
RORY: I slept with Dean in my room last night, in my bed.
LANE: Oh, my God!
RORY: I know. Who would have even thought that Dean could fit in my bed. I mean, it's so small, and he's not small. He's tall, not small. Great, I'm rhyming.
LANE: I didn't know you were even back together.
RORY: Well, we're not. I mean, I guess we are now, but -- I'm out of breath.
LANE: Sit down.
RORY: My mom caught us.
LANE: Oh, my God.
RORY: I mean, she didn't catch us. We were done, but she -- we were still horizontal, and then she saw Dean come out of my room, and she just said all these things.
LANE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
RORY: What?
LANE: I'm just picturing it in my head, and -- oh, my God!
ZACH: [OS] Lane!
LANE: I'm busy!
ZACH: [OS] Okay, but hello?
LANE: Go, talk, please.
RORY: So, we had a fight.
LANE: You and Dean.
RORY: No, me and my mom.
LANE: Right.
RORY: So then I called him today, and I told him that we need to talk because there were questions and clarifications and many tiny details that were totally ignored, because he's, like, perfect, you know? But I had it all planned out, every word. I was going to be practical, and I was going to be adult, and then --
LANE: Yeah?
RORY: And then he walked in.
LANE: Yeah?
RORY: And he kissed me, and I couldn't think. It was just -- and then we --
LANE: Again?
RORY: Well, once you get the hang of it, it's pretty easy to duplicate.
LANE: Where?
RORY: What?
LANE: Where did you do it the second time?
RORY: At Miss Patty's.
LANE: You did it at Miss Patty's?
RORY: Yeah.
LANE: She would be so proud.
RORY: I had it all planned out. I was going to get everything straightened out. Why did he have to walk in like that?
ZACH: [OS] Lane!
LANE: [yells back] In a minute! [takes Rory by the hand]
RORY: Lane.
LANE: Okay, I'm sorry, I just have to ask you. [whispers] How was it?
RORY: Why are you whispering?
LANE: Because I just think that no matter where she is, my mom can hear this conversation.
RORY: It was a little scary.
LANE: Was he nice to you?
RORY: Yeah. It was -- I mean, he loves me, and I love him.
LANE: Oh, my God.
GIL: [OS] Lane! Come on!
[Lane opens her door and enters the front room]
LANE: What?!
GIL: We were supposed to practice a half an hour ago.
ZACH: Brian's been yammering on about germs and spores for 20 minutes. I'm completely freaked out to touch a microphone ever again.
BRIAN: I'm just saying, at the end of the night, who cleans them?
ZACH: Shut up, Brian.
GIL: Look, man, I only have the babysitter till 6:00, then it's my turn to drive them to Gymboree.
ZACH: Dude, you promised you wouldn't talk about the parental issue during band practice.
GIL: We're not having band practice, and it's not a parental issue. It's being part of the cycle of life, and that, my friend, is pure rock 'n' roll.
ZACH: Go join "The Polyphonic Spree," you fruitcake.
BRIAN: I'm just saying my bass strap has a smell.
LANE: Hey! Shut up, all of you! Now, that is my friend, and she is here in desperate need of some girl talk, and in case you haven't noticed, I am a girl, and this, right here, is what it's like to have a girl in the band, so all of you -- deal! [returns to her bedroom] Sorry.
RORY: Lane, I think I did something that -- what do you think?
LANE: Of what?
RORY: Of what I did. I need some perspective.
LANE: From me?
RORY: Yes.
LANE: You need some perspective on sex from me?
RORY: I need some perspective on sex with Dean from you.
LANE: Oh, well, Dean loves you.
RORY: I know.
LANE: And you love him.
RORY: I know.
LANE: So it seems like --
RORY: He's married.
LANE: I know.
RORY: How did I overlook that fact? I mean, he said that the marriage was over. He said that he had told Lindsay or that he was going to tell her or that she already knew somehow, but I didn't ask anything else. Why didn't I ask anything else?
LANE: I don't know.
RORY: I don't remember what he said. I don't remember what he told me. I didn't ask anything important.
LANE: You can ask now.
RORY: I tried to ask now. I ended up having sex on an Al Gilbert record. I need to know some things. I need -- I don't know what I need to do.
LANE: Maybe you should talk to Lorelai.
RORY: No.
LANE: But she already knows about you guys.
RORY: No.
LANE: She's better than me at this sort of thing because she at least has a frame of reference.
RORY: Talking to her is not an option.
LANE: Okay, well, then --
[ Drumsticks clicking. Rock music plays - Lane enters to see Zach behind her drum set]
LANE: What do you think you're doing?!
BRIAN: I told you she'd be mad.
LANE: Get away from my drums!
ZACH: You were in there talking about panty hose or whatever the hell you chicks talk about --
LANE: You do not, under any circumstances, touch my drums.
GIL: He adjusted your seat also.
LANE: You what?!
[CUT TO DRAGONFLY LOBBY AREA]
[Lorelai speaks to one of the maids]
LORELAI: So, make sure they all get the thank-you cards and light the lemon candles so the rooms smell pretty when they get up there. Thanks, and great job this weekend -- great job. [startles when she sees Emily sitting on the sofa] Oh! My God!
EMILY: My, what a lovely greeting.
LORELAI: How long have you been sitting there?
EMILY: Ten minutes. Why?
LORELAI: You scared me.
EMILY: Like I'm Dracula?
LORELAI: Oh, my God, my heart won't stop pounding.
EMILY: Stop being so dramatic. I just showed up for lunch. It's not as if I did anything truly terrifying like telling you that butt-crack-baring jeans had gone out of style.
LORELAI: What do you mean you showed up for lunch?
EMILY: Our lunch...at 1:00. You, me, Rory -- the three of us. We're having lunch, aren't we?
LORELAI: I didn't think so.
EMILY: You didn't?
LORELAI: Well, no, but --
EMILY: When you invited your father and me for the weekend, you said it included a lunch with you and Rory.
LORELAI: Well, yes, I know, but that was before you left.
EMILY: What does my leaving have to do with anything?
LORELAI: Well, when you left, you weren't here anymore. You were gone, so we just assumed lunch was --
EMILY: this lunch was your idea.
LORELAI: Yes, I know, but --
EMILY: I did not force it upon you.
LORELAI: You're right, however --
EMILY: If you were too busy or you didn't want it to happen, then you didn't have to bring it up at all, did you?
LORELAI: No, I didn't, but you left, see, so --
EMILY: All right then. It is now 1:00. You said lunch at 1:00. I'm here. It's 1:00. I'm hungry. Where's Rory?
LORELAI: Okay, see, you left, so -
EMILY: She's not here, is she?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Didn't she know about the lunch?
LORELAI: Yes, mom, she knew about the lunch, but you -- so we -- and she -- I'll call her.
EMILY: I'll wait. [walks off]
[CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT BEDROOM]
[Rory sits alone on Lane's bed listening to arguing voices in next room]
LANE: [OS] What are you doing?! [unintelligible dialog]
[Rory's cell phone rings from her purse. She walks over to answer it.]
LANE: [OS] What are you talking about?
ZACH: [OS] We're a band! We share!
RORY: Hello?
LORELAI: Your grandmother is here for her lunch. [Scene switches between inn and the bedroom]
RORY: But she left.
LORELAI: Could you just get back here?
RORY: I'm kind of busy.
LORELAI: Rory, this is not for me, okay? This is for your grandmother. You like your grandmother, remember?
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: Great.
RORY: Bye.
LANE: [OS yelling ]
ZACH: [OS] Chill!
GIL: [OS] You're worse than Metallica!
[CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK]
[Rory is walking to return to the inn. She passes the butcher and notices Lindsay inside talking animatedly. Curious, she returns to eavesdrop.]
LINDSAY: I did that.
BUTCHER: Did you put in the meat thermometer?
LINDSAY: Yes, I put in the meat thermometer. I put in three meat thermometers just in case one of them wasn't working.
BUTCHER: And you put the oven on 450 for 20 minutes and then lowered it to 350 for the last hour.
LINDSAY: [upset] I did everything you told me. I did it exactly like you told me to, and it still turned out awful.
BUTCHER: Maybe you should try something else -- meatloaf or chicken.
LINDSAY: No, Dean likes roast beef! We had it at our wedding. His mother makes it every time we go over there. I'm making dinner tonight, and it has to be perfect, so just tell me how to do it again.
BUTCHER: Okay.
LINDSAY: And write it down.
BUTCHER: Okay. First, you rub it with a little oil. Then take some fresh ground...
[Rory walks away]
[CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN - OUTSIDE IN THE BACK OF THE PATIO AREA]
[Emily, Lorelai and Rory sit at a small round table. A waiter finishes filling Emily's beverage and leaves. No one speaks.]
[ Birds chirping ]
[ Horse neighs ]
EMILY: The weather's lovely.
LORELAI: Yes, it is.
EMILY: Rory, don't you think it's lovely?
RORY: It's very lovely.
EMILY: Yes. [looks at her surroundings] Lovely. Well, I don't see any reason to put this off any longer. Girls, I have something to say that may shock you, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do about that now. Lorelai, Rory, Richard and I have separated.
LORELAI: And?
EMILY: What do you mean "and"? That's not enough? You need some sort of mob-related offing to make it interesting?
LORELAI: No, Mom, that's plenty. It's just, we already knew.
EMILY: Rory didn't.
RORY: Well, I mean, I didn't know know --
EMILY: Why would you tell her?
LORELAI: Mom!
EMILY: Who else did you tell?
LORELAI: [sarcasm] So, you haven't read "Page Six"?
EMILY: Rory, if you need to talk about this to try to understand why this is happening, then by all means, do not ask your mother.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be insensitive. It just seemed like a thing you and Dad were going through. I figured you'd make up.
EMILY: Well, we didn't.
LORELAI: I see that. So, wow, you're really separated?
EMILY: That's right. Your father's moving into the pool house.
LORELAI: So then you're not separated.
EMILY: Of course we are.
LORELAI: You're separated by the pool.
EMILY: That's it. That's the end of your input on this.
RORY: I'm sorry, Grandma.
EMILY: Well, what's done is done. I'm moving on. And to celebrate the next stage of my life, I'm going to Europe by myself for the very first time since I was in college. I'm leaving tonight.
RORY: Tonight? That's fast.
EMILY: Well, I wanted to leave quickly, so I called my travel agent and insisted that he put me on tonight's plane to Paris no matter what. He finally managed to bump someone from a church group, and I've got my seat, and I'm leaving at 10:00. And, Rory, my offer to you still stands.
RORY: What offer?
EMILY: My offer to escort you around Europe this summer.
RORY: Oh. [Lorelai watches Rory's reaction carefully]
EMILY: Every young lady should do Europe the proper way at least once in her life, and I would be thrilled to have your company on this very special occasion. Of course, I know it's very short notice, so if you already have plans for the summer, I completely understand.
LORELAI: You know, I think Europe sounds great. I think you would really enjoy that. I mean, remember -- we loved Paris. You don't have anything special planned for the summer, do you?
RORY: [gives Lorelai an odd look] No, nothing special.
EMILY: Well, then? What do you say? Would you like to be impulsive with me?
RORY: Sure, Grandma, I'd love to.
EMILY: That is just wonderful! I'll call Ralphie right away and tell him to bump another Baptist. We'll have a wonderful time, you and I. It'll be just like "Gigi." Lorelai, I'm gonna use your phone.
LORELAI: Be my guest, Mom. [Emily exits. Long pause] Europe? Cool. [Rory give Lorelai a cool look] What?
RORY: So, what is this, a Henry James novel? The young lady acts up, and her family ships her off to Europe?
LORELAI: Oh, come on.
RORY: How fast did you tell Grandma that I had nothing to do this summer?
LORELAI: I'm not shipping you off.
RORY: Oh, please!
LORELAI: I'm not. I'm just -- okay, maybe I am.
RORY: Ha!
LORELAI: I wasn't planning on it, but maybe in the back of my mind, I just thought -
RORY: - Say Goodbye to Daisy Miller.
LORELAI: Okay, fine, so maybe I suggested the trip to give you some time to --
RORY: Travel back to the turn of the century?
LORELAI: To think -- but you did not have to accept.
RORY: I did too.
LORELAI: No, Rory, you didn't. You're 19 now, remember? You're all grown up, and you can handle your own affairs. Sorry. That's a bad choice of words. You can handle your own life events, so if you didn't want to go to Europe, all you had to do was say you didn't want to go, but you didn't, so I assume you do want to go. [sees Rory's expression] You do want to go? How come? I mean, what about Dean? You're just gonna go off and leave now?
RORY: None of your business.
LORELAI: Did something happen? Did you guys have a fight, or is it something else? Is it Lindsay?
RORY: We didn't have a fight. Everything is fine with Dean. I want to go so I can get away from you.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, weren't you supposed to go through this phase like five years ago? 'Cause, I mean, seriously, at this point, storming into your room and blasting your goth rock -- it's just gonna confuse your roommates.
RORY: [grabs her pocketbook stands to exit] Tell Grandma I had to pack.
["If I Could Write" by Sam Phillips plays over the next three scenes that have no dialogue.]
[CUT TO DEAN AND LINDSAY'S APARTMENT]
[Lindsay enters with platter of roast beef and trimmings. She sets it down in front of Dean and anxiously watches as he begins to carve. Dean glances up at her worried face. She watches closely and jumps in jubilation when she sees the roast is a success. Dean is startled at her shout and smiles as she wraps her arms around his neck to hug and kisses him. She claps her hands and hops up and down as he continues to smile and carve.]
[CUT TO EXTERIOR OF ELDER GILMORE ENTRANCE]
[Chauffeur loads Emily's trunks and luggage into limousine. In the doorway, Emily gives last minute instructions to maid and departs. Front door closes while Richard appears in the interior distance lighting his cigar.]
[CUT TO LORELAI'S STAIRWELL]
[Lorelai appears at the top of the stairs as a cell phone rings below. Rory appears and checks the caller id as it rings. She ignores the call, turns off the phone, tucks it in her purse, and returns to her room. Lorelai slowly descends the stairs with a concerned look.]
[AIRPORT DEPARTING GATE]
[Emily hurries along the walkway]
EMILY: Come on, girls, hurry up. We have an adventure to embark on. [happily approaches the attendant] There you go -- my picture I.D. And my boarding pass. Rory, hurry up. You have to hold your own boarding pass, and you need your I.D. Lorelai, say your good byes here. If you don't have a boarding pass, you can't go farther -- am I right? [confirms with the attendant] I'm right, Lorelai. If you need to search me, that's just fine. Don't be afraid to ask. Bye, Lorelai. [exits to gate]
LORELAI: Bye, Mom. [then to Rory] Hey, hey, hold on a sec. You have everything you need?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: You have trashy-magazine money?
RORY: Those magazines make Grandma crazy.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, here's 20 bucks. It's a long flight.
EMILY: Rory, hurry, please!
RORY: Coming, Grandma. I have to go.
LORELAI: Yeah, you do. Okay, so, um... have fun, and uh... if you need to talk about anything, just please call me, okay?
RORY: Okay. [uncomfortable moment before she exits. Lorelai sadly watches her depart]
[CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT]
[Lorelai enters to the house. Looks around feeling sad and lonely. She notices message machine is blinking as she drops her keys on desk. She presses playback button, and answering machine beeps. She sits as the message plays.]
LUKE'S VOICE: Hey, it's me. Uh, listen, I got a call from my sister and T.J. They're up in Maine, and they got into a little accident -- nothing major, just each one of them broke an arm and a leg, [Lorelai looks concerned] so anyhow, they can't run the Renaissance Fair booth for a couple of weeks. So they asked me to come and help them out, and I, unfortunately, answered the phone, so I'm on my way to Maine. I'll be back in about a week. Okay? Bye.
LORELAI: Great.
[ Beeps ]
LUKE'S VOICE: Hey, it's me again. I'm not sure if we're at the point in this relationship where you actually need to know that much information about my whereabouts, [Lorelai smiles and chuckles] so if we're not, I'm sorry. I could have just said, "I'm going out of town, and I'll call you later." So I'm going out of town, and I'll call you later.
[ Beeps ]
LUKE'S VOICE: Me again, [Lorelai look of disbelief] the idiot that leaves you three rambling messages on your machine. I just wanted to tell you I got a cell phone before I left, so, you know, you could call if you want, but only if you want, so that's it.
LORELAI: Ah! [frustrated as she prepared to write down number]
[ Beeps ]
LUKE'S VOICE: Yeah, a number might be good.
LORELAI: Thank you. [writes number on paper]
LUKE'S VOICE: 860-294-1986. Okay, bye.
[ Beeps ]
LUKE'S VOICE: Just...don't change your mind until I get back, okay? Okay. Talk to you later.
[ Beeps ]
[After only a few moments she picks up phone and dials number from paper and sits on sofa. Ringing cell phone. ]
LUKE'S VOICE: Hello?
LORELAI: Well, if it isn't Dean Moriarty.
[CUT TO INTERSTATE ROAD - LUKE'S TRUCK - NIGHT]
[Scene switches between Luke's truck and Lorelai's sofa]
LUKE: Yeah, this is the life.
LORELAI: So, are Liz and T.J. okay?
LUKE: Yeah, they're just not getting around too well. Liz is all panicked that if they don't finish out the season, they're gonna lose their spot next to the apple doll booth, which is apparently the prime spot, so I said I'd help them out.
LORELAI: Very chivalrous of you.
LUKE: Yeah, I'm a regular Lancelot. So, you get my messages?
LORELAI: Oh, no, did you leave a message? Sorry, my answering machine dropped d*ad of exhaustion. What did you say?
LUKE: Not much.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: So...
LORELAI: So...
LUKE: That was a hell of a test run.
LORELAI: You mean for the inn, of course.
LUKE: Of course.
LORELAI: Yes, it was. Although, you know, until you have a successful second go-round, you really don't know if everything's gonna work.
LUKE: Then I guess there's got to be a second go-round. [smiles]
LORELAI: Well, yes, it's the only thing that makes really good business sense. So, where are you right now?
LUKE: About 10 minutes from "if I lived here, I'd blow my brains out."
LORELAI: Ah, yes, I hear it's lovely there this time of year.
[FADE OUT]
~~~ End ~~~ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x01 - Say Goodbye to Daisy Miller"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Daniel Palladino
transcript by Patti Jo with assistance by Canopus
OPEN TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK
[Lorelai walks very quickly down the sidewalk passing some of the vendor stands]
LORELAI: Morning, Al. Morning, Fred. Morning, Sam.
[She drops envelope in a corner nailbox and continues past a man handing out pamphlets.]
MAN: Cider Mill's opening Saturday. Big parade and free cider for one and all.
LORELAI: Thank you. [Never slowing her pace, she takes the offered paper and quickly hands it out to the next person she passes.] Cider mill's opening Saturday. Big parade and free cider for one and all.
WOMAN: Thank you.
[Lorelai approaches Miss Patty's dance studio where Patty is instructing several small dancing apples.]
PATTY: Keep it going, kids. You're red, you're delicious. You're about to have the juice sucked out of you. [She smiles as Lorelai passes] There she is -- our spunky entrepreneur.
LORELAI: I am the uber-Trump-Murdoch-Maximus. [She glances back] Oop. Apple down.
PATTY: Apple down. [pauses before reacting] Apple down! Hold it, everybody! Apple down! Okay, roll her over. [calls after the rapidly disappearing Lorelai] Have a nice day.
MAN: [OS, continues to call out] Big parade, free cider for one and all.
[OPEN TO LUKE'S DINER]
[Lane is standing behind counter taking a food order from a woman]
LANE: …and two eggs over easy, got it. Just be a couple minutes. [tears order from her pad and places it on the kitchen ledge] Caesar, order.
[Lane smoothly walks around the counter, passing Zach and Brian sitting at a corner table.]
BRIAN: Since they were both actually royalty, their child would have a real claim to the Judean throne, see? So Mary Magdalene goes to Gaul to have the kid. She's also supposed to run the church after his death, but that's not what Peter wants, right? But all that got covered up later by Constantine after the council of Nicea purged the Christian --
ZACH: Oh, my god! Will you stop talking about this!
BRIAN: This is, like, the number-one book in the country.
ZACH: Well, it's my number-one bummer.
[Lane approaches]
LANE: Okay, guys, what'll you have?
ZACH: Burger for me -- nothing healthy on it, extra cheese -- and, of course, an order of...wink-winkers.
LANE: [slightly annoyed] You don't have to call them that, Zach.
ZACH: Just want to make myself clear.
LANE: Look, I told you guys I'd throw you free fries -- not a big deal since they're usually the ones we wind up throwing out anyway from making too many, which means you don't have to call them wink-winkers or nudge-nudgies or know-what-I-meanies or anything else in verbal code, especially if it's cute-cutesy.
ZACH: I will abide by that.
LANE: Brian?
BRIAN: Same thing -- burger and fries. [wiggles eyebrows knowingly]
ZACH: Dude, that's cute-cutesy.
BRIAN: She said not to be verbally cute-cutesy.
ZACH: It was a blanket moratorium on anything cutesy concerning the fries.
LANE: I'll be back. [walks away]
ZACH: Cokes, too.
BRIAN: Better get my money ready. [pulls hands full of loose change onto the table]
ZACH: That's not embarrassing.
[Lorelai enters the diner and greets Lane]
LORELAI: Hi, Lane.
LANE: Lorelai, hi. Would you like your usual to go?
LORELAI: Yes, and quick-quick, please.
LANE: [picks up coffee pot] You know, people are calling you "the blur."
LORELAI: That's mean. Or is it? What is that?
LANE: [pours coffee into a To-Go cup] You're not around, and you're always running -- swoosh, blur.
LORELAI: Well, that's business, baby. If you slow down, they might catch up with you. [glances around] Still no Luke, huh?
LANE: Liz and T.J. are still not back up on their feet. Luke's calling the Renaissance Faire his "Vietnam without all the fun sh**ting." [hands Lorelai her cup]
LORELAI: Oh, poor guy.
LANE: I made it extra strong. It should blacken your teeth and rot your stomach. [continues working]
LORELAI: Bless you. [glances at a chain of colorful postcards on the nearby bulletin board]
LANE: [appears] All from Rory.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry. Just being nosey.
LANE: No, go ahead, read. I'm sure it's stuff she already told you.
LORELAI: [adds cream to her coffee] Yeah, probably.
LANE: [hands Lorelai a small sack] You are ready to swoosh.
LORELAI: The blur is off. [gathers items and begins to leave]
LANE: And don't overtip.
LORELAI: Try and stop me. [sneaks some dollar bills on the counter as she quickly passes]
LORELAI: Hey, guys.
ZACH: Hey, Lorelai. Get yourself a wink-winker?
LORELAI: What?
LANE: Please erase this from your brain. [sets plate of fries on Zach and Brian's table as she passes]
LORELAI: I will definitely try.
[CUT TO RENAISSANCE FAIRE - LIZ AND T.J.'S BOOTH]
[Liz talks to two fellow Renaissance Faire merchants dressed in period costumes]
LIZ: I'm telling you, I was going crazy. I was in pain for six weeks. It was fractured in three places. That's why it took so long to heal. But thank God for my big brother. [ Women giggling as Luke passes]
HENRY: Morning, Lucas. [approaches carrying large box]
LUKE: Hey, Henry. How's your beard?
HENRY: [ Laughs ] You always ask that, and I always laugh.
LUKE: Well, it's our thing.
HENRY: Hey, come here. Got some dish. [motions Luke to come closer] You know Hay Bale Bill, the guy that totes the hay bales?
LUKE: I seen him around.
HENRY: Got caught in a tent last night with Annie from the grog booth.
LUKE: Hm. Isn't she engaged to the fruit-ice guy?
HENRY: Yeah, and the fruit-ice guy comes back, and there's Annie and Hay Bale, so he tears the tent to pieces.
LUKE: Hm.
HENRY: Now the grog people have to hide her. They set up a fort made out of kegs.
LUKE: [intrigued] Crazy stuff.
HENRY: I'll keep you posted. [exits]
LUKE: All right. See you later.
[Luke pulls necklace merchandise from a box and drapes each on wooden display branches. T.J., in full costume, reclines nearby, arm in a sling - blanket in his lap.]
T.J.: Luuuuuuuke?
LUKE: What, T.J.?
T.J.: You're putting the pewter next to the turquoise?
LUKE: Looks like it.
T.J.: We don't usually put the pewter next to the turquoise.
LUKE: Well, I'm a maverick.
T.J.: Mm-hmm. [ Slurps from his t*nk] Ahh. Might be why the pewter ain't moving.
LUKE: Pewter's moving just fine, T.J.
[Woman dressed in period garb approaches Luke]
WOMAN: Excuse me?
LUKE: Oh, hi, there. Can I help you?
WOMAN: Yeah. I'm looking for the Shakespeare stage.
LUKE: Okay, uh, you walk past the Calumba booth, veer right at the drinking horns, then left at the antler ark.
WOMAN: Thank you. [thankful look then leaves]
LUKE: Mm-hmm.
[Walks around booth to organize table items]
T.J.: Luuuuuke?
LUKE: [strained patience] What, T.J.?
T.J.: You didn't use the approved Faire language with that customer.
LUKE: Maverick -- me. Don't forget that.
T.J.: There's undercover Faire officials walking around. They look for that kind of stuff
LUKE: Well, they should get real jobs.
T.J.: Would it k*ll you to sh**t her a "Good-morrow"?
LUKE: Look, T.J. -- [approaches T.J.'s chaise and hears baseball announcer sounds coming from beneath T.J. lap blanket. He snatches away the cover to reveal a very small television set] I don't believe it.
T.J.: [feigns innocence] I know. The Yanks went with Mussina. They should have gone with Brown.
LUKE: You're watching T.V.!
T.J.: I'm not ready for my nap.
LUKE: You're milking it.
T.J.: I'm convalescing.
LUKE: And you're milking me. But no more. Find some help, get a crutch, because by week's end, I'm gone.
T.J.: Liz, you hearing this?
LIZ: What? [pulls ear phones out of her ears] I'm sorry. I was listening to my Deepak Chopra.
LUKE: I got things to do. I got a business, hopefully a life.
[people in costume walk by, noticing the disturbance]
T.J.: Uh, prithee, you jest, good sir, and leave us short of hand?
LUKE: I ain't jesting.
T.J.: But my arm!
LUKE: Had no trouble reaching into a tub of caramel corn last night while you were scratching yourself with the other. Your dexterity's fine.
LIZ: [resigned] T.J., It's time for him to go.
T.J.: [attempting to instill guilt] So, you're gonna break up the team?
LUKE: I'm no good to you. I'm not moving the pewter. [walks off… then returns and grabs the little television] Don't want you to get in trouble with the undercover squad.
[CUT TO ITALY - LUXURIOUS HOTEL SUITE]
[The Concierge enters followed by Emily, Rory and a plethora of bellhops with vast amounts of luggage.]
CONCIERGE LUCIANO: Hallo, and here we are -- room 518. A beautiful room -- very special for you, Mrs. Gilmore.
RORY: It's nice.
EMILY: It's hot.
LUCIANO: [quickly reacts to assist] I will adjust the air for you. No problem on my end. [watches Emily walk to the balcony opening to observe the view] It's a spectacular view. Very nice. A little balcony there.
EMILY: [frowns] It's different.
LUCIANO: Something is different?
EMILY: The view -- it's different.
RORY: [Rory and Luciano join Emily at the balcony wall] Wow. It's pretty spectacular.
EMILY: It's not the same.
LUCIANO: It's the same room you had two years ago, Signora -- 518.
EMILY: The ruins -- they used to be closer. Something move?
LUCIANO: I don't think so.
EMILY: That pillar is in a different place.
RORY: I think the ruins are probably where they've been for the past 2,000 years, Grandma.
LUCIANO: We can get you another room, signora. No problem.
EMILY: No, no, it's fine. [returns to the main room, pauses then frowns] Smokers.
LUCIANO: I despise smokers.
[Rory shuffles through the luggage cart valet]
EMILY: Rory, I told you before, you do not move luggage.
LUCIANO: Yes, yes, please. We will do that.
RORY: Sorry.
EMILY: Your high tea is still at the same time?
LUCIANO: Si, signora.
EMILY: We'll need to book some private tours -- the Vatican, the Villa Medici. And private -- just the two of us. The concierge in Florence stuck us with a Belgian couple at the Uffizi who didn't know a fresco from a ferret hole. And the ruins, of course. Make sure the guide's not too dry. [absently gazes out the patio window] So different. [quickly follows a luggage-laden bell hop another room] The hanging bags should be hung, not laid on the bed.
RORY: Excuse me. How far away are we from the catacombs?
LUCIANO: Close, but your grandmother would not like the catacombs. Bones disturb her.
RORY: It's for me. My grandmother usually takes a nap this time of day, so I go off and do my own thing.
LUCIANO: [wistful look] Ah, yes, a nap.
[Emily briskly returns to the main room]
EMILY: We need two more pillows.
LUCIANO: I will see to it. Anything else I can do?
EMILY: That should do it. Thank you, Luciano.
RORY: Yeah, thank you very much.
LUCIANO: Grazie mille. Buona notte. Good evening. Thank you. [exits]
EMILY: Let's sit down and pick our restaurants. That's three nights -- that's three lunches and three dinners. We'll take our usual passeggiata around the piazza navana, but let's pick the restaurants. [enthusiastically riffles through the brochures]
RORY: Do you want to pick them before your nap or after?
EMILY: I'm skipping my nap today.
RORY: Oh, really? [Disappointed, she joins her grandmother on the sofa.]
EMILY: Absolutely. I'm not the least bit tired. [covertly watches Rory's reaction]
RORY: Oh, good.
EMILY: Couldn't hide it any better than that, huh?
RORY: Hide what?
EMILY: I don't take my nap, you don't get to go out on your own.
RORY: Oh...[ Scoffs ] Grandma, I wasn't thinking that.
EMILY: Well, I was kidding. I'm exhausted. I'm not sure I'll even make it to the bedroom. I may just drop down here on the carpet.
RORY: Thank you, Grandma. It's all cultural stuff, I promise. Just kind of faster and funkier.
EMILY: Well, go enjoy your funk.
RORY: Thank you. [kisses Emily's cheek]
EMILY: Mm-hmm. [Rory walks over to the luggage cart] Say, when was the last time we called your mother?
RORY: Not sure. [shifts the shoulder strap of a leather tourist bag over her shoulder]
EMILY: Have we called her this week?
RORY: I think you did.
EMILY: We'll call when you come back.
RORY: Okay. Bye. [exits]
EMILY: Bye-bye. [calls after her and continues to read brochures]
[CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN - INTERIOR ENTRY]
[Lorelai briskly enters as a male guest crosses her path]
MALE GUEST: 'Morning.
LORELAI: 'Morning. [crosses over to reception desk]
ROB: Morning.
LORELAI: Oh hey Rob, I want to keep these brochures nice and neat in the rack here, none of them askew. Otherwise, it gives the place that "we'll leave the light on for you" feel that we're desperately trying to avoid.
ROB: Yeah, I checked it. [watches her shuffle the papers inside the display box]
LORELAI: That is, if we ultimately decide that we don't mind having brochures here in the lobby. The jury's still out on that. [very brief pause] You know what? Jury's back. Brochures are out. [picks of the wooden box] I'll just take this in the office and... [spies a figure crouching behind the reception desk] Michel...
MICHEL: Good morning.
LORELAI: Um, what are you doing? [impatient]
MICHEL: Hiding.
LORELAI: From me?
MICHEL: No.
LORELAI: From?
MICHEL: Suffice to say, my hiding is not costing the inn any income. In fact, I'm overdue for my 10. So consider this my 10, and you are now conducting business with an employee who is officially on his 10, which is in direct violation of union rules.
LORELAI: You're not in a union.
MICHEL: I'm in a union of oppressed Frenchmen.
LORELAI: Oh, the U.O.F. -- Got it. All right. Carry on.
[ Sighs, then quickly walks to the next room and interrupts a maid dusting ]
LORELAI: Oh, hey, there is a spot on the floor over here that the vacuum never quite reaches. Let's make sure it does. Thank you. [briskly continues walking though the inn. A family of four approaches Lorelai.] Hi. It's the Krumholtzes. How are you doing today?
MR. KRUMHOLTZ: Great. Are you always here?
LORELAI: I give that illusion. So, what's on the agenda today?
MRS. KRUMHOLTZ: Mike and I would love to h*t some antique stores.
LORELAI: We can guide you to the best of them.
MR. KRUMHOLTZ: But the kids would love to stay here. You got games and books, and they'd be bored stiff with us.
LORELAI: They can absolutely stay here. There's always people around.
MRS. KRUMHOLTZ: Is Michel going to be here?
LORELAI: [sympathetic look] Yes.
MRS. KRUMHOLTZ: Oh, good. He is their favorite.
LORELAI: [disbelief] Michel? Have they met Michel? [to the children] Have you met Michel?
LITTLE GIRL: He's funny!
LITTLE BOY: Yeah!
MR. KRUMHOLTZ: They love him. He chases them around and shouts and pretends to be mad, and they laugh and laugh.
LORELAI: Well, Michel is here, and I'm sure he would be happy to look after you guys while your parents are gone. In fact, he's playing hide-and-seek right now, and if you go over to the reception area, I guarantee you'll be getting warm, warmer, hot.
LITTLE BOY: Goodie! Let's go! Come on!
LITTLE GIRL: [giggles]
LORELAI: Have a good day. [enters dining room and picks up a coffee pot on nearby table.] Morning! Who needs coffee? Oh, I'll get you some coffee right there. [a waiter approaches and takes pot from Lorelai.] Oh, hey, when Sookie gets in, tell her I want to go over the layout for the dinner menu. I want to go another way. I'll be in my office. Thank you. [busily walks off]
[Lorelai circles back to front lobby and sees Michel attached to two young children] Hey, you found him. Good job, Krumholtzes.
LITTLE BOY: [gleefully] He grounded us and told us to go do something to ourselves.
LITTLE GIRL: [grins] He used a dirty word.
MICHEL: And I'm destined to use many more.
LORELAI: No, you're not. Come here. [grabs and drags Michel aside by his lapel]
MICHEL: It is not my job to entertain little people.
LORELAI: Michel, the Krumholtzes are in our most expensive room. We need people like them to be happy so they tell other people like them they we're happy - because we are a new business, and we all have to go above and beyond the call of duty until we are established.
MICHEL: So you watch them.
LORELAI: I hate kids.
MICHEL: This isn't fair.
LORELAI: You're a profit participant. Happy Krumholtzes equal lots of profits, participant. [physically turns him around and approach the children]
MICHEL: [fake charm] Who wants to play some insipid board game with me?
LITTLE GIRL: We want to play an insipid board game!
LITTLE BOY: Yeah! [running off] Let's play Chinese checkers!
[Lorelai climbs stairs as her cellular phone rings ]
LORELAI: Hello?
EMILY: [loudly] Lorelai, it's your mother!
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
EMILY: [loudly] I'm calling from Rome!
LORELAI: The line is crystal clear. You don't have to yell.
EMILY: Sorry -- I still think transcontinental calls are a bigger deal than they are.
LORELAI: You're coming in fine. So, Rome?
EMILY: Our last stop, and a good thing, too, because I don't know how long I can keep these randy European men off me.
LORELAI: Excuse me? [enters a room scrutinizing everything while maid puts fresh sheets on bed]
EMILY: They're terrible flirts here. Gorgeous, but so forward. Do you want to talk to Rory?
LORELAI: [unenthusiastically] Oh, um, sure. Is she there? [shoos away a maid and takes sheet herself. Maid looks unhappy.]
EMILY: Yes, she is. Hang on. Rory!
RORY: Hello?
LORELAI'S VOICE: [attempts cheer] Hi.
RORY: Hi.
LORELAI: So, Rome? [struggles with sheet while pinning cell phone between shoulder and ear]
RORY: Yep.
LORELAI: Weather good?
RORY: Hot in the day, cooler at night.
LORELAI: Uh-huh, that's kind of what we're having here.
RORY: Huh. Coinky-dink.
LORELAI: Yeah. So...
RORY: So...
LORELAI: Um, I guess I'll be seeing you in a couple of days. [attempts to smooth sheet unsuccessfully]
RORY: Yep.
LORELAI: Great, then. Be safe, and watch out for those Italian men, especially the ones named Randy.
RORY: I will. Bye.
LORELAI: Bye. [angrily yanks off flat sheet] Didn't look like a quarter would bounce off it. [hands sheet to the confused maid and hurries off] Got to have those bouncing quarters.
[CUT TO ITALIAN SIDEWALK CAFÉ]
[Emily and Rory carry shopping packages as they select an empty table]
EMILY: I think the pink purse with the gold clasp is my favorite.
RORY: We probably could have gotten all this stuff at home, Grandma. Now we have to pay duty on them.
EMILY: But if you buy them back in the States, then you can't say, "I picked this up in Rome." [young Italian waiter approaches]
WAITER: Buon giorno. Hello. May I help you, please?
EMILY: Buon giorno. [ Speaking Italian ]
WAITER: Ah, la bellissima signora parlo italiano molto bene.
EMILY: [extremely pleased as she sits] Grazie. He called me "pretty lady." It just never stops.
RORY: [still standing and looking around] You got the gams, Grandma.
EMILY: [ Conversing with the waiter in Italian then - ] Rory? Rory?
RORY: [distracted] Huh?
EMILY: What do you want?
RORY: Oh. A triple espresso. [She sits down with Emily.]
EMILY: [ Speaking Italian ]
WAITER: [ Speaking Italian ] Si, signora.
EMILY: [ Chuckles ] He won't stop.
WAITER: [ Continues speaking Italian ]
EMILY: [ Laughing ]
[CUT TO LUKE'S DINER]
[Lane, Zach, and Brian are seated at a table discussing their set lists]
ZACH: The fact is, we've got five original songs ready to play live. A 40-minute gig means we can fill it out with six or seven covers.
LANE: No problem.
ZACH: Problem. Our covers are tight and people dig 'em. We play "Fell in Love With a Girl" as good as the White Stripes, so how is one of our originals gonna stack up coming after it?
BRIAN: We could play all our originals up top, then close with our covers.
ZACH: That's asymmetrical, and we could lose our audience if we play a bunch of originals in a row.
BRIAN: Our covers are just too good.
ZACH: I say we cut any cover song that overpowers our originals.
BRIAN: So no "Suffragette City."
ZACH: And no White Stripes. "Lithium" is gone, the Radiohead, both Pixies.
BRIAN: No Dandy Warhols. [Lane stares at them both]
ZACH: Or Velvet Underground.
LANE: Wait, guys. You're cutting every good cover song we play.
ZACH: But maybe that's the key. Yeah, yeah -- if we play nothing but crappy covers, our originals will stand out.
BRIAN: Brilliant.
LANE: [incredulous] What?!
ZACH: Anything by Men At Work.
BRIAN: Or Chicago, Wings.
ZACH: Styx.
BRIAN: Culture Club.
ZACH: We throw in a Quarterflash, they'll be eating out of our hands.
LANE: Okay, this is just kooky. Now, I say we reconvene tonight and figure it out then.
BRIAN: I got to get to work, anyway.
LANE: I'll see you at home tonight.
[Brian puts on bicycle helmet and leaves. Zach begins to follow, while Lane resumes work]
LANE: [to customer at counter] I'll get you some more water?
[ Bells jingles and the two female groupies, Trina and Cheryl enter ]
ZACH: Well, hello.
CHERYL: Hey, there.
TRINA: Hi, Zach.
ZACH: Trina, how you doing? [kisses her cheek] Cheryl, come on. sh**t me some. [Cheryl kisses his cheek, while Lane watches, disgusted] Come this way. You sit there. I want you to sit right here.
[CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN ]
[Michel sits across a Chinese Checkers board from the Krumholtz kids]
LITTLE BOY: It's your turn.
MICHEL: Really? That fact has not changed since you said it 10 seconds ago?
[ Both children giggle ]
LITTLE GIRL: If you lose, will you do that thing where you pretend to get all mad and you h*t the board and send the marbles flying all around?
LITTLE BOY: Yeah!
MICHEL: [surly] I am not going to lose.
LORELAI: [enters] Hi, kids. Michel, do we have any double-A batteries?
MICHEL: How can a man play Chinese Checkers with all these interruptions?
LORELAI: [distractedly spies a distant spot on the carpet] Ugh! Man, they're still not vacuuming that spot.
LITTLE BOY: It's your turn, Michel.
MICHEL: [moves his checker piece] Redundant little rodent.
LORELAI: Michel, the batteries?
MICHEL: In the office -- far-right drawer of the credenza. [the boy triple jumps over Michel's game pieces] Damn!
LORELAI: [quickly interjects to the children] - Is where water is stored to power electrical facilities. Thanks Michel. [glances to next room]
LITTLE BOY: It's your turn again.
MICHEL: Grr.
LORELAI: Why are the dining room tables always, always out of place? [ Sighs ]
[She struggles to shift one of the dining tables, while Sookie notices from another table ]
SOOKEI: Lorelai? [to patrons] Excuse me. [She hurries over to stop Lorelai's struggling tugs as the glassware almost topples. To Lorelai] Okay, okay. Table's perfect now.
LORELAI: Who keeps moving them out of place? I want a name.
SOOKIE: Uh, cruel, sadistic table fairies? Come into the pantry with me, here.
LORELAI: I can give you a minute. That's it. -- Ooh.
[She smoothly yanks an empty plate from a diner's place then joins Sookie]
SOOKIE: I've been trying to figure out a way to bring this up -- what's that? [notices the plate in Lorelai's hand]
LORELAI: I cleared a plate.
SOOKIE: You don't clear plates.
LORELAI: The plate was empty, so I grabbed it.
SOOKIE: Give me the plate. You've gone nutty!
LORELAI: What?!
SOOKIE: Now you're mad. I hate making you mad. I have the worst people skills.
LORELAI: I'm not mad or nutty.
SOOKIE: But you are, and you have been for weeks. The nutty don't usually know that they're nutty, thus the nutty.
LORELAI: Sookie, I'm very busy.
SOOKIE: Doing other people's work.
LORELAI: I am not.
SOOKIE: It's your job to change sheets, fluff pillows?
LORELAI: No.
SOOKIE: Brush the horses, fold the points on the toilet paper?
LORELAI: Sookie, we're breaking in new people. I'm picking up the slack.
SOOKIE: I'm new? Michel's new?
LORELAI: I'm not doing your jobs. [picks up nearby napkins and carefully folds each while listening]
SOOKIE: Two weeks ago, I come in, and my refrigerator, which is sorted by a system that I have honed for 10 straight years, is completely rearranged. The beets are on the top. The vegetables are on the bottom. It's "Apocalypse Now," baby! I yelled at the staff, but now I know. It was you. [pulls the folded linens from Lorelai's hands]
LORELAI: It was messy.
SOOKIE: It was my messy. I couldn't find anything in there for days. I kept reaching in for strawberries and coming up with liver -- that's not pleasant.
LORELAI: I promise not to touch the fridge again.
SOOKIE: You're yelling at the employees. You never yelled before.
LORELAI: I'm yelling?
SOOKIE: And you've got to go home once in a while.
LORELAI: Sookie, we're a new business. It's time-consuming.
SOOKIE: How many times have you fallen asleep at your desk in that stupid office of yours?
LORELAI: Once.
SOOKIE: No. Once, you fell asleep on a stapler. The whole next day, you had "Swingline" printed backwards across your face. But you've fallen asleep at that desk a hundred times.
LORELAI: Well, I'm here when I'm here. I can't change that. I'm sorry.
SOOKIE: Want to know the last time I saw staff and maids looking this scared of their boss? Your mother's house.
LORELAI: [hurt] Ow! Kn*fe in the gut!
SOOKIE: Well, I'm sorry to deal from the bottom of the deck, but that's reality.
LORELAI: [sad look] Well... I am pretty b*rned out.
SOOKIE: Me too. We all are. It's been hard.
LORELAI: I will take a break.
SOOKIE: Good.
LORELAI: Not this week, 'cause stuff's been piling up. But... [pause] not next week. God. I don't know.
SOOKIE: Now. [Pulls Lorelai around and pushes from the room to the entry hall]
LORELAI: Uh-oh. Hey, stop! Wait, I'm being kidnapped!
SOOKIE: Go home and relax.
LORELAI: I have no one to hang out with.
SOOKIE: I'll hang out with you sometime this week. I need a break, too. We'll have a girlfriend day. We'll get manicures and jump rope and talk about boys. The whole cliché thing. Now go! [Lorelai pauses] Go and don't stop for nothing.
LORELAI: Okay, okay, I promise.
[Crash sounds and game pieces fly across the room]
MICHEL: [OS] Aaaah!
KRUMHOLTZ KIDS: [OS] Do it again! Do it again!
[Lorelai cringes]
SOOKIE: Hold it. [Lorelai flinches] Hold it! Good girl. Now, get your things and go.
[Lorelai holds up a hand to cover her view of the mess exits in a hurry. Sookie peeks in the next room, shakes her head and returns to the kitchen.]
[CUT TO DRAGONFLY FRONT PORCH
[Lorelai stands on the doorway and notices the gardener potting plants on the porch]
LORELAI: [ Sighs ] Oh, hey. Um, Bob, are you sure you want to - nope. Keep going. [He nods and continues. Her cellular phone rings, she removes it from her purse and answers ] Hello?
[The scene switches from Italy to the Dragonfly Inn]
RORY: [calling from her Italian hotel room] It's me.
LORELAI: [clipped tone] Oh. Hello.
RORY: Bad time? Are you busy?
LORELAI: Uh, trying not to be. How are you doing?
RORY: Good. You?
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: [After a long pause, she speaks hesitatingly ] I was at the corner of Bark and Cheese today.
LORELAI: [smiling with remembrance, she sits on a porch wicker chair] Bark and Cheese? Really?
RORY: And it's exactly the same.
LORELAI: Exactly the same? Was there a tiny, little Italian dog in a basket barking the whole time you were there?
RORY: Not this time, but I definitely had flashbacks.
LORELAI: Did you have a nice piece of cheese with your coffee?
RORY: I still say I said the correct word for "cream" in Italian. I even pointed at my coffee when I asked for it. How could I be asking for cheese?
LORELAI: But cheese you were brought.
RORY: Stinky cheese. The worst, don't forget.
LORELAI: That you proceeded to eat.
RORY: Because I hate people who make mistakes when they order, especially in a foreign country, and then make a big to-do when they get the wrong thing. Ugly Americans. Yuck.
LORELAI: Aha! You admit it was a mistake. You did say "cheese."
RORY: I know French, a bit of Spanish, but my Italian -- not so good.
LORELAI: Being trilingual is plenty for a young lady.
RORY: Yeah. [ Sighs sadly ] Mom?
LORELAI: Yeah?
RORY: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: [ Sighs with a motherly smile ] It's okay.
RORY: I screwed up. I screwed up so bad. I handled everything wrong.
LORELAI: Oh, honey.
RORY: I keep reliving everything over and over. It's such a mess. I just want to fix it. I have to fix it.
LORELAI: You will.
RORY: I know. I just -- I need a favor.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: It's big.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: I wrote a letter... to Dean. Could you get it to him?
LORELAI: [stunned] Oh.
RORY: I don't know how else to do it. I can't just mail it to his apartment. It's a big favor.
LORELAI: Honey, I don't know.
RORY: It's a lot to ask, but I think that this will make everything better. Please. [desperate] Please. I can't wait until I get home. I have to do something now.
LORELAI: A letter, huh? Well, get it to me, and I will get it to him.
RORY: Thank you. Thank you.
LORELAI: Have some espresso and limburger for me.
RORY: I will. [sincerely] I love you, mom.
LORELAI: I love you, too. Bye.
RORY: Bye.
[They hang up.]
LORELAI: [to gardener] You know, I think if you made it a little fuller -
SOOKIE: [spies Lorelai through the window] Go!
LORELAI: Going. [exits the porch]
[CUT TO RENAISSANCE FAIRE ]
[Pan down from a wooden sign carved with the words: "Lady Elizabeth's Accessories" spelled out in fancy lettering. Liz hands a small purchase to a Faire visitor.]
LIZ: [speaking with acceptable faire language] I want to thank thee, kind lady, for your purchase. Please take one of my cards. Note the website. And do enjoy your day at the Faire. [customer leaves as Luke walks up smiling at his sister] I am kickin' ass! [Luke chuckles] Who knew I was a master salesman?
LUKE: So, I'm all packed and ready to go.
LIZ: Good, and don't worry about nothing, 'cause we're all cool here.
T.J.: [overhears them and continues his conversation with a fellow renaissance vendor] Well, that's the thing. In 10 years, I could die, and they could very well trace it back to this moment. "He got back up on his feet too fast." That's what they can say. [glances back at Liz and Luke's expression] It's weird when people who aren't doctors start thinking they're doctors.
LIZ: He'll be fine.
LUKE: [insincerely] Gosh, I was so worried. [Liz chuckles] So, I'm gonna make a phone call, and then I'll go.
LIZ: Okay. [Luke exits] Hey, hon, could you try and get this cash box open? It's stuck again. [hands T.J. the metal box and a screwdriver]
T.J.: If you want. It's just I was holding this screwdriver before, and I almost blacked out. I'll try again.
LIZ: Thanks.
[T.J. struggles and grunts to open the box, then watches as Luke approaches while dialing his cell phone.]
T.J.: Luuuke! Don't forget the undercover guys. They look for cell phones.
LUKE: I'll keep an eye out.
T.J.: Luuuuuuuke, I'm being your friend here.
LUKE: [ Sighs ]
[CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE]
[Lorelai enters carrying the mail and hears her telephone ringing]
LORELAI: Hello?
LUKE: Hey, it's me.
[Scene switches between Faire and Lorelai's house]
LORELAI: Well, huzzah and prithee. Art thou -- ?
LUKE: Stop.
LORELAI: Sorry. How are you?
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: Sorry, that was incomplete. How are you, you big, fat liar?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: You said you would be home yesterday.
LUKE: I'm coming home today for sure.
LORELAI: "Oh, what's that, Lucy? A football for me to kick?"
LUKE: I mean it this time.
[T.J. feigns distress from his attempts to open the metal cash box]
T.J.: Oh, whoa! Man! Whoo!
LUKE: [rolls his eyes] It's a done deal.
LORELAI: I'll believe it when I see it.
LUKE: Did I tell you about Bill?
LORELAI: "Hay Bale Bill"? No. Spill. [shuffles through the mail]
LUKE: He crawled in a tent with "Grog Booth Annie".
LORELAI: No way!
LUKE: He did.
LORELAI: [appalled] But she's engaged to the fruit-ice guy!
LUKE: It's not gonna last.
LORELAI: [recognizes a familiar envelope] Oh, boy.
LUKE: You feeling okay?
T.J.: [thinking Luke is talking to him] I'm very nauseous.
LUKE: Not you, T.J.
LORELAI: I'm fine. I just have a little assignment I've got to do. So, what lie are you gonna tell me about coming home now?
LUKE: I'm coming home today.
LORELAI: So, next week?
LUKE: Today.
T.J.: [to a passing customer] Milady, dost thou have Pepto-Bismol on thee? Or breadstuffs?
LORELAI: This month at least?
LUKE: Today.
LORELAI: See you when Hillary's president.
LUKE: I'll see you later today.
LORELAI: Bye.
[Smiling, Luke clicks off the call with a beep and casually looks at the necklaces displayed]
LIZ: [limps closer] Looking for something specific?
LUKE: Nah. Well... you remember those earrings you got me before?
LIZ: Yeah.
LUKE: You have a necklace that would match that?
LIZ: Yeah, I think so. You give them to a girl?
LUKE: Yeah.
LIZ: Anyone I know?
LUKE: Oh, you know, it's just someone.
LIZ: Dark hair, bright, blue eyes? You were just talking to her? I could tell, 'cause you grin a lot when you do.
LUKE: [blushes and looks down grinning] It's Lorelai.
LIZ: It's Lorelai! Huzzah!
T.J.: Huzzah!
NEARBY FAIRE PEOPLE: Huzzah!
LUKE: I never got the whole "huzzah" thing.
LIZ: I am so happy for you. You've found your T.J.
LUKE: Please don't put it like that.
LIZ: I've had dreams about you two being together, and my dreams always come true.
T.J.: Dream me a healthy spine, sweets.
LIZ: [to Luke] You're not gonna be alone.
LUKE: [grinning but a bit embarrassed] Yeah, yeah. The necklace.
LIZ: [pulls off one from the tree] Perfect?
LUKE: Perfect.
LIZ: [ Sighs and places gift into a silk pouch] So, go give it to her.
[Luke slips the pouch into his shirt pocket and wraps Liz in a big brotherly hug]
LUKE: take care, Sis.
LIZ: I love you, big brother. [Luke turns to T.J.]
T.J.: Whoa! One hug and my back would snap in eight pieces.
LUKE: [offers hand and shakes with T.J.] Good morrow, buddy.
["Huzzah!" sounds in the distance as Luke exits]
[CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET]
[Lorelai enters and spots a nearby employee]
LORELAI: Excuse me. I'm looking for Dean. [girl points] Thanks.
[Lorelai walks down main aisle and hears Dean's voice]
DEAN: We get lots of stuff from Marco Farms, but a lot of the time, it's hard to predict when it's gonna come in and how much of it we're gonna get. We're kind of at the mercy of [notices Lorelai nearby] -- of the um, guys -- of the farmers themselves, because they sell out a lot. But why don't you leave your name and number when you check out, and we'll give you a call as soon as the eggs you want come in, okay?
[the woman nods and exits as Lorelai approaches]
LORELAI: Dean.
DEAN: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi. [hands an envelope out to him]
DEAN: [suspicious] What's that?
LORELAI: It's a letter for you from Rory.
DEAN: [worried] What happened? Where is she?
LORELAI: Just take the letter.
DEAN: She went to Europe, right? Miss Patty said she went to Europe. What happened? What's she doing there? Who is she with?
LORELAI: Dean.
DEAN: When's she getting back?
LORELAI: Soon. Just take it.
DEAN: Where is she?
LORELAI: Europe.
DEAN: With who?
LORELAI: [gently] Her grandmother. Look, take it.
DEAN: No. Why did she go? Whose idea was it?
LORELAI: That doesn't matter.
DEAN: It does.
LORELAI: Dean, please. I'm a messenger, nothing more. Just take it.
[He hesitates, but takes the letter. Lorelai smiles with sympathy then leaves]
[CUT TO LUKE'S DINER]
[At the counter, Lane and Caesar are discussing the bowl of greens them]
CAESAR: Onion, guacamole, a little red pepper over butter lettuce and endive -- it could be a big seller.
LANE: But, Caesar, it's not the salad. The salad looks delicious. It's what you're calling it.
CAESAR: Caesar's salad.
LANE: Right.
CAESAR: So?
LANE: There's already a Caesar salad. It's kind of famous.
CAESAR: That's Caesar salad. Mine's got an apostrophe "S."
LANE: I don't think that makes it less confusing.
CAESAR: [points to the door] Customers. [exits]
[Zach enters talking with the groupie chicks: Trina and Cheryl]
ZACH: …greatest book I've ever read.
CHERYL: Keep going, Zach.
TRINA: Yeah, this is da b*mb.
ZACH: So, Mary Magdalene goes to Gaul to have the kid.
CHERYL: That's the slutty one, right? Not the mom?
TRINA: It's so confusing 'cause they're all named Mary.
ZACH: She's not the mom, but she's not slutty. That's what this dude Constantine wanted you to believe, right? [Lane is listening to them from counter] He was purging the "E! True Hollywood Story" part of it for his own benefit. Turned the whole thing into Hollywood Babylon, and chicks got the short end. [snaps his fingers and beckons Lane to serve them]
CHERYL: God, I just want to spend, like, three straight years doing nothing but reading, you know?
LANE: [approaches the table] What book?
CHERYL: What?
LANE: [irritated] You're supposed to wait to be seated.
ZACH: Since when?
LANE: Since always. That's what what they do at Denny's.
ZACH: Okay, well, my usual table where I always sit. Okay, Lane?
LANE: Fine Zach. What will you have?
ZACH: Allow me to order for you girls. A ham sandwich for the lady on my right. Light mustard, right Trine? [strokes her forearm while Lane rolls her eyes]
TRINA: [ Giggles ]
LANE: Is that a "yes", Trine?
ZACH: That's a "yes." Burger, no cheese for Cheryl. Cheeseburger for me, and go ahead and sh**t everybody here some fries [winks].
LANE: Free fries are for friends and family only. Sorry.
ZACH: Another new rule?
LANE: Nope -- old. Old as Moses.
ZACH: Okay, just bring me my order, and we'll all share.
LANE: Sorry, no.
ZACH: What?
LANE: You get free fries, you have to eat them.
ZACH: I can't share my own fries?
LANE: That's right.
ZACH: That's bogus.
LANE: That's tough, they're for you, not these girls. They're to be consumed by you, and you alone.
ZACH: I don't believe this.
LANE: I'll be watching to see if you share, so don't get any big ideas.
ZACH: Just forget about it, okay? We'll go to "Al's Pancake World".
LANE: Fine! Go!
ZACH: We are.
LANE: Good.
ZACH: Come on, girls.
LANE: [ Scoffs ] Whatever. Like I care where you go to eat.
[ Door closes ]
[Lane huffs up to the counter and loads condiment trays. Moments later, the door rings. Cheryl enters and approaches Lane]
CHERYL: Hey.
LANE: [impatient] What?
CHERYL: Sorry. We didn't know.
LANE: Know what? [Cheryl smiles knowingly and glances out the windows before she leaves] Know what?
[Lane watches her leave with a clueless look that gradually changes to understanding]
[CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK]
[Sookie and Lorelai stroll down the sidewalk.]
SOOKIE: So... so, this is nice. Being away from the inn for a whole day.
LORELAI: Get some perspective.
SOOKIE: Just looking at something other than those same walls.
LORELAI: Oh.
SOOKIE: What a relief.
LORELAI: It all falls away. [they both walk and ponder]
SOOKIE: My meat guy better not screw me like he did yesterday.
LORELAI: Oh, my God! The gutters! That's what I forgot.
SOOKIE: I told Steve that if he doesn't leave by 3:00 --
LORELAI: Hey, hey, did I tell Michel to have the guy check all the radiators or just the one - [both chatter at once] no, no, I did. I did.
[ Both giggle ]
SOOKIE: Ah, now it's falling away.
LORELAI: It's starting to.
[They both overhear loud voices from a second story apartment window above]
LINDSAY: I hate you, Dean! I hate everything! [a bundle of clothing is thrown from the window, fluttering down to the sidewalk below.]
DEAN: Let's just talk.
LINDSAY: I don't want to talk! I don't want you here! [out of the window comes a hockey stick]
DEAN: I'm sorry, okay?
LINDSAY: Sorry?
DEAN: Yes, because it'll never happen again.
SOOKIE: Oh, my God.
LORELAI: Oh, my God.
LINDSAY: Get out now. Now.
DEAN: Don't! You've got my --
LINDSAY: Don't you dare! [another bundle of clothes exits the window]
DEAN: Can you not -
SOOKIE: Well, that's what happens when you get married too young. [flinches]
LORELAI: [uncomfortable look] Yeah, that must be it.
DEAN: [OS] I'm sorry. There's not much I can do but say I'm sorry.
LINDSAY: You know, there was a lot you could have done. [more clothing out the window] And you know what? You didn't do it!
SOOKIE: [fascinated] This is juicy. I usually only get to hear about these things. I never get to see them.
DEAN: [OS] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mean, can we do something? Can we get over this?
LINDSAY: [OS] Too late! Look out the window!
LORELAI: [uncomfortable] Yeah, lucky us. Come on.
DEAN: Let's just talk.
LINDSAY: I hate you Dean.
[Lorelai and Sookie continue walking down the sidewalk]
[CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN]
[Sookie talks on the phone as Lorelai puts away items]
SOOKIE: You definitely prepped the sauce for the duck? Because the duck without the sauce, is a duck that we can't use. The sauce has to be prepped early. I know you said it. Say it again. Stop saying "let it go"! Stop saying "let it go," John. Stop it. Stop it! I am letting it go. I just need you to assure me that everything's getting done so that I know I can fully let it go.
[door slams]
RORY: [OS] Hello?
LORELAI: [ Gasps ] Kitchen!
SOOKIE: I am hanging up, but I am not letting it go!
[Rory appears in the kitchen doorway]
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Oh, my traveler. [they hug tightly]
RORY: I missed you.
LORELAI: I missed you, too.
RORY: Sookie!
SOOKIE: [ Squeals and hugs Rory ] You remember who I am!
[door shuts]
EMILY: [OS] Hello!
LORELAI: Hi. [calls out to signal their location]
[Emily enters the kitchen]
EMILY: Hello, Lorelai. Hello, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Hi, Emily.
LORELAI: Hi, Mom. [leans to hug her mother]
EMILY: Don't! I smell like airplane.
RORY: I should go get my bags.
EMILY: [scolding] Rory, you do not touch bags.
RORY: Oh, I thought that was just a Europe thing.
EMILY: The driver's bringing them in. [to Lorelai] We had such a trip. Rory will fill you in. Spare her the more salacious aspects.
LORELAI: [intrigued] Salacious aspects?
EMILY: Those European men -- young, old, in between -- they saw us coming.
SOOKIE: [puzzled] They saw you coming where?
EMILY: We were like magnets. Such high libidos.
LORELAI: You weren't wearing your "hot and wealthy" sandwich board, were you, Mom?
RORY: She was very popular.
EMILY: Well, I should go. I bring you back a charming, cultured, well-mannered young lady. Don't undo it.
LORELAI: I will definitely try not to not undo it.
EMILY: Well, goodbye, all. Goodbye, Rory.
RORY: Bye, Grandma. [leans forward to hug Emily]
EMILY: Nope. Airplane.
RORY: Oh, I can take it. Thanks, Grandma.
EMILY: Ciao. [leaves]
LORELAI: Come here, you. [urges Rory to join her at the kitchen table]
RORY: [giggle] So, what are you guys doing home?
LORELAI: We're trying to get some distance from the inn.
SOOKIE: And it's going through the roof. Not the inn's roof -- that's solid as a rock. You know what I mean. We're booked to 90% capacity. And the restaurant -- we're turning people away. Oh, you know all that.
RORY: No, keep going.
SOOKIE: Well, customers agree that, despite Michel, we're their favorite Connecticut inn. That's nothing compared to the big town news.
[Lorelai gapes and tries to signal Sookie to silence]
RORY: [fascinated] Wow. What?
LORELAI: Sookie - [shakes her head to silence Sookie]
SOOKIE: We walked past Dean's place, and Lindsay was throwing his stuff out on the street. They were really going at it. It was like "Raging Bull." There's yelling and screaming.
[Rory is stunned]
LORELAI: Sookie, you're exploding all over the poor girl.
SOOKIE: Oh, sorry.
LORELAI: And she's probably hungry. You're hungry, right Honey? [Rory slowly nods]
SOOKIE: Oh, I'll whip us something up.
LORELAI: Oh no, you said you had to pick up Davey, so we'll go out, you know? We'll call you later.
SOOKIE: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay, let's go. [pushes the issue by standing and urging them all to the front door. She wraps her arm around Rory's shoulders.]
[CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT PORCH]
[Sookie, Rory and Lorelai all exit the door]
SOOKIE: Talk to you later. [walks down steps and leaves]
LORELAI: See you later, Sookie. [She and Rory walk in the opposite direction down the sidewalk.]
RORY: What happened?
[CUT TO STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE GAZEBO]
[Rory and Lorelai are walking slowly around it.]
LORELAI: It was unbelievable. It was bad. She was yelling. She was throwing things. He was yelling. She called him a jerk. It was very violent and very public. Other people saw it. It was horrible.
RORY: [miserable] This was not supposed to happen.
[They bump into Lindsay and her mother]
MRS. LISTER: You! You should be ashamed of yourself -- what you did!
LORELAI: Just wait.
MRS. LISTER: What did she ever do to you, huh? How did she hurt you? Why are you doing this?
LORELAI: Theresa, please. Calm down.
MRS. LISTER: Calm down? My little girl has to come home and find your heinous letter in Dean's jacket.
LORELAI: Listen, we're in the street --
MRS. LISTER: You little monster!
LORELAI: Hey! Pull back, lady!
MRS. LISTER: There aren't hundreds of other boys in the world? You have to go after her husband?
LORELAI: Okay, stop attacking my daughter right now. You're upset, I get it, but you do not do this.
MRS. LISTER: She slept with my son-in-law. She broke up a marriage. Are you proud?
LORELAI: She did not break up a marriage.
MRS. LISTER: What do you know of this?
LORELAI: Enough. I know Rory.
MRS. LISTER: All I know is that now my Lindsay is devastated, Dean is back with his parents, lives are destroyed, and you and your daughter can go to hell! [She storms off dragging her daughter with her]
[Rory wipes her eyes and pushes her hair from her face in silence.]
LORELAI: [ Clears throat ] Okay, I have got to know what was in that letter.
RORY: Um... I... I told him...that... that night was special and...that I wasn't sorry that it happened. But he's married, and... he has to figure out his life. So I was going to make it easier for him and take myself out of the mix.
LORELAI: [sympathetic] Well, that was a very good letter.
RORY: I can't believe she found it.
LORELAI: [looking around] We can't keep standing here.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: These streets are dangerous right now.
RORY: Very.
LORELAI: Come on. [They walk off]
[CUT TO SIDWALK IN FRONT OF LUKE'S DINER]
[Lorelai and Rory approach and walk in]
LORELAI: Anything you want is on me. Pie, cake, pancakes, pan pie, cake pan, panacockin. Say the word or make one up. It's yours. [they sit]
RORY: Chair feels good.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. A chair does feel good.
RORY: [slowly considering] I think a root beer might be good.
LORELAI: Root beer sounds good!
[Luke appears at their table]
LUKE: It's on the house, so go crazy.
LORELAI: [surprised] Luke!
LUKE: [grins at Lorelai] Hey. [to Rory] Hi, Rory. Welcome back.
RORY: Thanks.
LUKE: [looks at Rory concerned] Are you okay? You look a little pale.
LORELAI: You know, pale's the new tan.
[Luke smiles warmly at her]
LORELAI: [ Chuckles and smiles back ] So, you're here. [smacks him on the chest] You're not a mirage.
LUKE: I told you I was coming back.
LORELAI: But you lied to me repeatedly for weeks, so your credibility's been shattered.
LUKE: I know. It's been seven weeks.
LORELAI: [grins and smacks him again] Seven weeks.
LUKE: [ Chuckles nervously and looks at the ground before clearing his throat ] You know, I just remembered -- I have an errand to run.
LORELAI: [skeptical] Oh, yeah?
LUKE: I got to go to the pharmacy. I'm gonna go now. [to Rory] Lane's here. She'll bring you your root beer. [calls out to the kitchen] Hey, Lane, I got to run down to the pharmacy! Got an errand.
LANE: [OS] Okay!
LUKE: [to the Gilmore girls] So… I'll be back in a bit.
[As he exits, he glances back at Lorelai before hurrying off. Lane rushes up to their table.]
LANE: Rory?!
RORY: Hey, you!
LANE: You're back! [to Lorelai] Our girl's back.
LORELAI: I know.
LANE: We need to consult.
RORY: Oh, sounds serious.
LANE: I'm in a quandary.
RORY: Other people's quandaries. I'm all ears.
[Lorelai gazes out the window to where Luke disappeared]
LORELAI: Hey, you know, I just remembered -- I have to go to Doose's to... pick something up. You need a banana or anything?
RORY: I'm good.
LORELAI: Are you sure?
RORY: Yeah, I'm consulting on a quandary. Go.
LORELAI: Okay. I'll be right back. [she leaves]
LANE: So, my quandary -- are you ready? And I need honesty.
RORY: sh**t.
LANE: Am I in love with Zach?
RORY: What?
LANE: I need to know if you think I'm in love with Zach, 'cause a dirty trollop suggested it, and they're generally reliable about these things.
RORY: A dirty trollop?
LANE: She said something to me and gave me this sort of knowing, worldly look that seemed to suggest I was acting in a way that said I have a thing for Zach, or she was hitting on me. I just need to know your thought on this. [Rory stares at her mutely] Hey. Are you listening?
[CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK - NEAR THE WESTON BAKERY]
[Luke stands nervously beside a tall, shady bush, shifting his weight from foot to foot clutching a small paper sack. Lorelai briskly walks around the corner and spies him.]
LORELAI: Hey. There you are. [walks up to him]
LUKE: Hi.
LORELAI: So -- [notices the sack] oh, you really ran an errand.
LUKE: I didn't run an errand, but I sort of kept up the pretense. So I went in the pharmacy. So, I was in the pharmacy, so I had to buy something, so I… I feel kind of dumb.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: [chuckles nervously ]
LORELAI: But you didn't really have an errand, right?
LUKE: Naw, It was just getting kind of crowded back there, you know?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: So, I brought you something. [Luke hands her the paper sack while he digs around in his shirt pocket]
LORELAI: Oh. [ pulls out a pack of cigarettes and gasps with pretense of delight] My own smokes. Ginchy. [looks up and sees Luke holding a beautiful dangling necklace.] Oh. [takes the fine chain] That's beautiful.
LUKE: [shyly] I think that'll match the earrings I got you before. If they don't, I'll take them back.
LORELAI: [pulls aside her hair and displays necklace beside her earrings] Definitely goes.
LUKE: Oh, yeah, look at that. Perfect match.
LORELAI: Perfect match.
[They lean closer ready to kiss. Suddenly, cymbals crash, marching band plays and appears around the corner followed by a whole parade. ]
LUKE: [irritated] I don't believe it. What the hell is this?
LORELAI: Cider mill.
LUKE: Oh for the love of…
[People walk past carrying balloons, clown juggles a large apple. Michel appears being dragged by the Krumholtz children]
LITTLE BOY: Hurry up, Michel!
MICHEL: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: What are you doing here?
MICHEL: I'm enjoying the cider mill parade. Such culture I've been missing all these years. This band -- so subtle. Like a polo mallet hitting your head.
LITTLE BOY: Come on!
LITTLE GIRL: Yeah, Come on!
MICHEL: Don't pull! I'm fragile!
[people continue to walk past, several dancing apples waltz by]
LUKE: This town...
LORELAI: "-- is our town. This town is so glamorous".
LUKE: [hesitant] So, we'll hook up later, maybe.
LORELAI: We'll hook up later. Definitely.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: I love the necklace.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: Good. [distractedly bumps into a spectator, causing him to release a fistful of red balloons] Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, no! Oh, let me pay you. I don't have any cash. Um, well, would you take an I.O.U.? Have you been to the Dragonfly Inn? The food is great. Would you like to -- oh, I know. [pulls out the cigarettes] Do you smoke?
[CUT TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE FORESTER HOUSE - FRONT DOOR]
[Rory knocks on the door and stands waiting. Dean opens the door.]
RORY: Hi. [Dean exits and quietly closes behind him] I hope this is okay. I wasn't sure where to call, and I just had to -- are you okay?
DEAN: [ Scoffs ] Am I okay?
RORY: Yeah, I mean... how do you...feel? [Dean scoffs again looking around] I'm sorry. That's a stupid question.
DEAN: No. It's not a stupid question. Um...let's see. How do I feel? Actually...I feel like an idiot.
RORY: Why?
DEAN: Why? Because I was married, …Rory. Married. And I threw it all away for someone who dumped me once and then just bailed on me.
RORY: I didn't just bail. I --
DEAN: I hurt everybody. I hurt Lindsay, I hurt her parents, I hurt my parents, and now I'm back at home, and you're in Europe with your grandmother. And what the hell was I thinking? I mean, what am I doing? What's wrong with me?
RORY: [looks miserable] Nothing.
DEAN: I got to get ready for work. [long pause then turns and goes inside.]
[Rory sighs, then turns around and gazes up in misery. A group of escaped red balloons float by and higher into the sky.]
[CUT TO LORELAI'S HOME - EXTERIOR NIGHT]
RORY: [OS from inside] So, finish your story.
LORELAI: [OS from inside] Everybody knows you don't mess with Hay Bale Bill.
[CUT TO LORELAI'S HOME - LIVING ROOM]
LORELAI: [OS from kitchen] So Hay Bale goes off and punches the guy, and it turned out to be the wrong guy -- all over this perceived insult about his girlfriend's legs.
RORY: Wait -- which one had hairy legs -- Annie the Grog Girl or Ocarina Jane, who secretly sold pot behind the brass-rubbing booth?
LORELAI: You mean "hairiest."
RORY: Egads.
LORELAI: I'm thinking bathing-suit season at the Renaissance Faire is only enjoyed by the blind.
RORY: Hmm.
LORELAI: Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right?
RORY: For what?
LORELAI: Pizza.
RORY: I just got back from Italy.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: So they'd sh**t you in Italy for that.
LORELAI: But this is America, where we unapologetically bastardize other countries' cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy.
RORY: I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments.
LORELAI: Hey, do you think Annie the Grog Girl made a pass at Luke? I'm sure he rebuffed her, but he was there a long time. I hope not. I'd joust the little slut.
RORY: [ Chuckles ] Hmm.
LORELAI: So, you want to talk about --
RORY: Something to watch?
LORELAI: Uh, yes. Something to watch.
RORY: You pick.
LORELAI: Will you be mad if it's "Showgirls" again? I got the deluxe edition with sh*t glasses and a drinking game. [Rory looks up sadly. They sit in silence for a few moments] Sanctuary.
RORY: [takes a big breath] Let me show you one thing before "Showgirls," okay?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Home movies from my trip with Grandma.
LORELAI: You have home movies?
RORY: [clicks on TV and tape] She was in fine form.
[playing on the TV is an old movie. An elder woman and a young girl gaze out a patio window]
OLDER WOMAN IN MOVIE: Signora distinctly wrote, "south rooms with a view and close together." Instead of which, she has given us north rooms without a view and a long way apart.
LORELAI: She gets very British when she's abroad.
RORY: Oh, yes.
OLDER WOMAN IN MOVIE: Hurry and get dressed, dear, or we'll miss our dinner, on top of everything else.
LORELAI: And you look very innocent and pretty.
RORY: It was a great view. I don't know what she was talking about.
OLDER WOMAN IN MOVIE: ...What we were led to expect. I thought we were going to see... the signora distinctly wrote, "south rooms with a view"...
~~~ End ~~~ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x02 - A Messenger, Nothing More"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Kenneth Ortega
transcript by Patti Jo with assistance by Canopus
OPEN OUTSIDE ELDER GILMORE POOLHOUSE - EVENING
[View of glass French windows and doors reveals an elegant interior. The nearby swimming pool casts a shimmering light on the building's exterior.]
LORELAI: [OS] Shaken, not stirred, please, Jeeves.
CUT TO POOLHOUSE INTERIOR
[Lorelai and Rory sit on a plush loveseat, Richard on a padded club chair while a male servant mixes drinks at a nearby bar table.]
RICHARD: His name is Robert.
LORELAI: I thought every butler's name was Jeeves.
RICHARD: He's not a butler. He's a valet.
LORELAI: So he parks your car?
RICHARD: No, he does not park my car. He does exactly what you see him doing.
LORELAI: So he is a bartender.
RICHARD: He attends to my needs.
LORELAI: So he's a geisha.
RICHARD: You'll be quieter once you have a drink, I assume. [to Rory] So, young lady, you're starting your second year of Yale this week.
RORY: Yeah, I move into Branford on Monday.
RICHARD: You're going to love Branford College. That where I lived, you know.
RORY: I know.
RICHARD: It is the oldest of Yale's residential colleges. They have these Carillon bells that are enchanting, and it has, what was called by Robert Frost, the most beautiful college courtyard in America.
[Robert serves drinks]
RORY: Well, I'll tell you what, Grandpa -- I'll get settled in, and then we can have lunch there.
RICHARD: Ah, that's a deal.
ROBERT: You wanted me to remind you that you were going to bring out the Hungarian cheese, sir.
RICHARD: Yes I did. I'll be right back. [he stands and exits]
RORY: This is crazy.
LORELAI: Well, it depends on your definition of "crazy." I, for one, found the Mariah Carey phone messages to her fans just refreshingly imaginative.
RORY: We're having drinks in the pool house.
LORELAI: Yup.
RORY: The last time I was in the pool house was the last time I was in the pool.
LORELAI: I know. I pushed you in.
RORY: So, Grandpa's actually living out here?
[they watch him as he prepares a small tray]
LORELAI: Looks like.
RORY: Do you think he's happy?
LORELAI: I do. I think he's very happy out here with his books and his special friend, Robert.
RORY: Don't be gross.
LORELAI: What? I'm just saying two grown men out here alone with Hungarian cheese and swim trunks...
RORY: Oh, jeez.
LORELAI: Don't be so puritanical. After all, Heather has two mommies.
RICHARD: All right, we have cheese, we have drinks. Do you each have a coaster?
LORELAI: [holds up philosopher pictured coaster] Kierkegaard.
RORY: [holds up] Schopenhauer.
RICHARD: Excellent.
[ Knock on door. Robert opens the door to reveal a female servant. ]
ROBERT: Yes?
MADONNA LOUISE: Dinner is served in the main house.
ROBERT: I will tell Mr. Gilmore. [stiffly walks ten feet to where they are sitting] Dinner is served in the main house.
LORELAI: But we haven't finished our drinks yet.
MADONNA LOUISE: But the madam is ready now.
RICHARD: Well, ladies, it's been a lovely evening. Until next week...
LORELAI: Hold on, Dad. [gulps her martini]
RORY: Thank you, Grandpa.
LORELAI: Yeah. Thanks for the cheese, Dad. Bye.
[Rory kisses her grandfather's cheek and follows Lorelai]
CUT TO INTERIOR OF MAIN HOUSE - DINING ROOM
[Emily, Lorelai and Rory seated alone at the large table. Madonna Louise places a bowl before Lorelai and returns to kitchen.]
LORELAI: Hmm. Soup in 100-degree weather. Cool.
EMILY: I have the air-conditioning on, Lorelai.
RORY: I like it, Grandma.
LORELAI: Oh, my God, the sucking up.
EMILY: Stop it. [then to Rory] Thank you. It's fennel potato puree with a touch of chili to give it spice. I thought we could go more exotic now that it's just us girls.
LORELAI: If you really want an exotic girls' night out, Mom, let's h*t Baja.
EMILY: So, Rory, tell me, what's new?
LORELAI: Different room, same reaction.
RORY: Oh, nothing much.
EMILY: Really? Well, what was new 20 minutes ago?
RORY: Excuse me?
EMILY: What did you talk about with your grandfather?
RORY: Oh, well --
EMILY: I mean, just because he gets you first in the evening doesn't mean you get to waste all the good stories on him.
RORY: I didn't wa --
EMILY: So, you just tell me everything you told him exactly as you told him, leave nothing out.
RORY: Okay. Well, I'm moving into Branford College on Monday.
EMILY: You know, Robert Frost said that Branford has the most beautiful college courtyard in America.
LORELAI: Hmm. You don't say.
EMILY: You knew that?
RORY: No.
EMILY: He told you that?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: You've already discussed everything there is to discuss. You're all talked out.
LORELAI: We're not all talked out.
EMILY: He gets you first, talks you out, and I get two exhausted, empty shells. [notices Richard tip-toeing through the room] What do you think you're doing?
RICHARD: I needed to get something out of my study.
EMILY: [stands and walks over to him] You are supposed to stay in the pool house. That is what we agreed on.
RICHARD: I am in the pool house.
EMILY: Oh, really? Right now?
RICHARD: No, not right now. I told you I had to get something.
EMILY: Well, you should have called, made an appointment.
RICHARD: To go into my own study?
EMILY: You don't live here anymore, Richard. What if I was sitting in the living room stark-naked? [Both sad, Rory and Lorelai exchange looks.]
RICHARD: You've never been in the living room stark-naked. You've never been stark-naked. We went skinny-dipping one night, and you wore an overcoat.
EMILY: The water was freezing! [she follows Richard as he exits]
RORY: Crazy.
LORELAI: You said it, Patsy Cline.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory enter the diner deep in conversation]
LORELAI: Okay, but think about it. Why do we need the word "potty"? Is it really that much harder for a kid to learn the word "bathroom"?
RORY: I don't know. [they sit at a table]
LORELAI: "Timmy, do you have to go potty?" Or "Timmy, do you have to go to the bathroom?" See? Interchangeable.
RORY: Not exactly interchangeable.
LORELAI: How are they not interchangeable?
RORY: To go potty is an action. To go to the bathroom is to go into a specific place.
LORELAI: I hate the word "potty."
RORY: Well, what did you teach me to say?
LORELAI: "Bathroom."
RORY: You did?
LORELAI: Yes, of course.
RORY: I'm 2, I come up to you and I say, "Mommy, Mommy, I have to go to the -" --
LORELAI: The room where legends die.
[Luke walks up with ordering pad in hand]
LUKE: What can I get you?
RORY: A foster home.
LORELAI: You'll thank me one day. [sexy smile to Luke] Hi.
LUKE: I'm working.
LORELAI: Come on. This is the beginning of a relationship. You're supposed to act stupid.
LUKE: I'll do the chicken dance on my lunch break. [to Rory] Heading back to school?
RORY: Yeah, h*m* year.
LUKE: Anything you want - on the house.
LORELAI: [too bright smile] I can't believe you won't flirt with me in front of my daughter. She's gonna think there's something wrong with me.
RORY: Please. I got that confirmation letter a long time ago. Scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese and half bacon, half sausage.
LORELAI: I'll have the same, and put it on her tab.
LUKE: You get your own tab.
LORELAI: [dryly] Oh, thank God you don't have a Latin accent, or you'd be completely irresistible.
LUKE: Coffee will be ready in a minute. [backs away while subtlety signaling Lorelai with his head.]
LORELAI: Be back in a second. [She walks over to the counter. Luke stands behind the counter writing in his ledger book.]
LORELAI: [ Clears throat ] You gestured?
LUKE: [continues to look down while speaking quietly] Those jeans are really working for you.
LORELAI: Yeah?
LUKE: They're working for me, too.
LORELAI: You're flirting with me.
LUKE: Something like that.
LORELAI: Finally. Do it some more.
LUKE: Your shoes work well with that - shirt. [briefly glances up]
LORELAI: Gee, Carson, thanks.
LUKE: That's all I can do right now. People are watching.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: [meaningfully raises his eyes] But tonight I will give you my extremely positive views on other aspects of your being.
LORELAI: Tonight?
LUKE: Are you free?
LORELAI: Yeah, I'm free.
LUKE: Good. 7:30.
LORELAI: What are we gonna do?
LUKE: I've got some thoughts.
LORELAI: Alright, but no taking me to an art museum after hours and then to an empty Hollywood bowl where you give me a pair of diamond earrings that you bought with your college money when all the time you're really in love with your best friend, the drummer, who's posing as our driver for the evening.
LUKE: [pause] Okay, I'll think of something else.
LORELAI: So, what do we say?
LUKE: Say?
LORELAI: To people, to the town. Do we tell them we're dating?
LUKE: I don't know. Do we?
LORELAI: I don't know. I guess we could keep it quiet for a while.
LUKE: We could -- if that's what you want.
LORELAI: No, that's not what I want.
LUKE: Why don't we just play it by ear?
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. People will know when they know.
LUKE: Okay, sounds good.
LORELAI: Okay, so, 7:30?
LUKE: 7:30
LORELAI: Are you gonna watch me walk away?
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: I'll add a little jaunt to it for you.
[she struts back to Rory and glances back before she sits]
RORY: What was that all about?
LORELAI: We were just talking about our date for tonight.
RORY: A real date? Finally!
LORELAI: Yeah, finally.
RORY: What are you gonna wear?
LORELAI: Mmm, glass slippers, a backwards baseball cap...
RORY: …and nothing else.
LORELAI: Exactly.
RORY: I'm very excited.
LORELAI: Me too. Hey, have you talked to --
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Do you think you're going to before you - [Rory shakes her head no to end the topic as Luke walks up.] Oh, food. Thank God.
LUKE: Hot plates.
LORELAI: See? He called me "Hot Plates." He so likes me.
LUKE: Jeez. [embarrassed, he looks around before exiting]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
[Emily is seated at a small desk looking through paperwork. Maid works busily nearby. High pitches barking is heard in the distance ]
EMILY: The mail must be here. [Door bell rings] The Farthingtons' dogs are apoplectic. Ridiculous choice of animal -- a vicious 3-inch ball of hair and a bow -- a ridiculous pink bow for the vicious K*llers. "Oh, watch out! Cecil Beaton and the Duke of Windsor are headed straight for my shoes!" [maid enters with a handful of mail] Thank you. I'd like some coffee when you get a chance. [the maid nods and exits. Emily shuffles through the mail - opening one envelope]
CUT TO KITCHEN
[Maid is preparing coffee when Emily enters]
EMILY: Did we ever hear back from Mr. Gilmore about the Heart Association luncheon?
MADONNA LOUISE: I told his valet about it.
EMILY: And what a help that was. Well, call his valet back and tell him I need a meeting with Mr. Gilmore this afternoon.
MADONNA LOUISE: Yes, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Thank you. [ Barking continues ] Oh, shut up!
CUT TO YALE COURTYARD
[Rory directs two moving men carrying a sofa into her dorm lobby]
RORY: Careful. If you stain that, my grandmother will hunt you down and k*ll you. I wish that I was kidding. I'll get the door.
MARTY: Rory!
RORY: Marty, hi! It's nice to see you! [they hug] So, are you living here?
MARTY: I'm living here.
RORY: That's great. So am I. [notices the impatient movers] Oh, sorry. I have to let these guys in. So, how was your summer?
MARTY: I met Nicole Richie, and then spent the next six weeks showering.
RORY: [holds an interior hall door open for the movers] It should be open.
MOVING MAN: [balances sofa and checks knob] Door's locked.
RORY: Oh, really? Sorry. I thought that Paris would be here already. [opens door and Marty follows her in before the movers.]
MARTY: Nice room.
[Movers set sofa down and exit]
RORY: I can't believe I b*at Paris here. I mean, normally, she would want to get dibs on the best room first and set up the furniture exactly the way she wants it.
MARTY: Maybe she's just late.
RORY: Paris is never late. [dials number on her cell phone] Paris, hey, it's Rory.
PARIS: Rory. Hello.
RORY: I'm in our room, and I was just wondering how I could have b*at you here.
PARIS: I'll be there later.
RORY: Are you okay? You sound funny.
PARIS: Asher's d*ad.
RORY: What?
PARIS: He died two weeks ago in Oxford.
RORY: Oh. Paris, I'm sorry. How?
PARIS: Heart att*ck. It was quick.
RORY: Heart att*ck?
PARIS: Yes.
RORY: Um...it wasn't during, um...was it?
PARIS: No, Rory. This great man was not brought down by my vagina, okay?
RORY: Okay. Sorry. I just -- that's terrible.
PARIS: He was teaching a Shakespeare class -- "A Midsummer Night's Dream." He was doing Puck, and then suddenly he wasn't.
RORY: Oh, man.
PARIS: And the class was so into his reading, they didn't even get it. They thought he was acting. It was Dick Shawn all over again.
RORY: Where are you?
PARIS: I'm in his flat trying to get his effects squared away, and, of course, his family is acting like spoiled children. All they care about is what they get. If I have to moderate one more argument about the Chippendale desk, I'm going to freak out. And the lawyer handling his affairs is a moron, and don't even get me started on the funeral. He wanted to be cremated, but if you had seen how filthy that crematorium was -- so I shipped him to Cambridge, which apparently is known for its cremation facilities. That was a transportation nightmare, and, of course, his daughter was upset with the move, but where was she at Thanksgiving, huh?
RORY: Is there anything I can do to help?
PARIS: No. Thanks. [long pause] I'm sad.
RORY: I know.
PARIS: Bye.
RORY: Bye. [to Marty] Asher Fleming died.
MARTY: In bed?
RORY: No.
MARTY: Damn. I lost the pool.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Lorelai crosses street seeing some friends gathered close sharing gossip by the news stand]
BABETTE: Are you sure?
MISS PATTY: Jerry found her birth certificate stashed in her bathroom.
MRS. CASINI: I am not surprised. She knew way too much about sushi to be from Kentucky.
LORELAI: Hi, ladies. What's the dirt today?
BABETTE: Jerry Cutler's new wife, Annabel.
MISS PATTY: Oh, that name alone.
BABETTE: Turns out the 24-year-old former Miss Magnolia Blossom had a little secret.
LORELAI: What?
MISS PATTY: Her birthday! [bursts out laughing]
BABETTE: Seems that 24 is actually code for 36.
LORELAI: No!
BABETTE: Yep. Jerry the moron wound up with a tramp who's actually a year older than the wife he dumped her for. [they all laugh] You got to love the karma.
LORELAI: How's Jerry taking it?
MRS. CASINI: He's getting his eyeglass prescription checked.
LORELAI: CNN's got nothing on you gals. See ya. [walks off]
BABETTE: See you later, sugar.
MRS. CASINI: So, you heard that Marilyn Horne is actually a man?
BABETTE: I'm not surprised.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE HOME - INTERIOR
[They sit at opposite ends of the polished dining table - formally discussing various topics - each with a calendar planner before them]
RICHARD: I sent the check off to the landscaper a week ago.
EMILY: He claims he hasn't received it.
RICHARD: Well, he's lying.
EMILY: Shall I tell him that?
RICHARD: I will stop payment on the check and issue another one.
EMILY: Fine. There's the issue of the Gregorys' cocktail party on the fourth. Even though they did miss our Christmas party last year, you are currently involved in a business deal with Hamilton, so one of us should probably attend.
RICHARD: Jancy will definitely want you to be there.
EMILY: Fine. I'll go. [prepares to make a note]
RICHARD: No, that's all right. I should go.
EMILY: Fine, then you'll go
RICHARD: Though I had to go to the Newmans' Zoo Auction last week.
EMILY: Fine. Then I'll go.
RICHARD: No, it's my business. I'll go.
EMILY: Fine.
RICHARD: Unless you would like to go.
EMILY: Moving on to the subject of your car -
RICHARD: Excuse me?
EMILY: You parked the Cadillac in the driveway when you worked on it this weekend, and it leaked oil all over the place.
RICHARD: It's a tiny stain, Emily.
EMILY: It's a large stain, and I see it every day when I walk in and out of the door.
RICHARD: Really? You can see the driveway with your nose way up in the air like that? [Emily stares stonily in silence] I apologize. That was uncalled for.
EMILY: I think you should restrict your cars to their garages at all times.
RICHARD: I will park my cars anywhere I like.
EMILY: You never used to leave your cars in the driveway before.
RICHARD: I park there when I work on them.
EMILY: Well, work on them somewhere else.
RICHARD: Like where?
EMILY: What about the filling station? It's already filthy there.
RICHARD: Are you seriously suggesting that I drive a priceless antique car 12 blocks away, park it next to a broken-down Chevy, and do my restoring there?
EMILY: Yes.
RICHARD: So this is the way it's going to be from now on.
EMILY: I suppose it is.
RICHARD: A filling station will be fine.
EMILY: Thank you.
RICHARD: I suppose we should discuss the insurance papers.
EMILY: I suppose we should.
CUT TO YALE COURTYARD
[Rory and Marty take coffee from vendor]
MARTY: I mean, I always thought I looked a lot like my Uncle Jerry, and, gee, Mom seemed to really like him.
RORY: I cannot believe this. After all this time, your mother tells you now.
MARTY: My dad looked relieved.
RORY: He did not.
MARTY: I heard him say, "whew!"
RORY: Oh, that is amazing.
MARTY: So, what did you do over the summer?
RORY: [uncomfortable] Well, we so should have started with me.
[A student in red jacket purposefully bumps into Marty as he passes]
MARTY: Oh, sorry.
COLIN: No, seriously, you couldn't see me there?
FINN: Not everyone's staring at you, Colin.
[Colin is also walking with a blond guy: Logan and his even blonder girlfriend]
LOGAN: Hey, I know you. No, wait-wait, don't tell me. I'm seeing a uniform of some sort.
FINN: [sarcasm] Maytag repairman.
MARTY: I've bartended for you -- for your parties.
LOGAN: That's right, you have. You're a talented man. [to Rory] He makes a kick-ass margarita.
MARTY: [chuckle] thanks
LOGAN: It's good to see you again. What's your name?
MARTY: Marty. Uh, this is Rory.
LOGAN: Hi. So, assuming your services are still for hire this year, your financial situation hasn't changed at all?
MARTY: Nope.
LOGAN: Good. Okay, I'll give you a call. Where are you living now?
MARTY: Branford.
LOGAN: Oh, excellent -- Branford. All right. Good running into you.
[He exits with blond girl in tow, his friends slowly following]
COLIN: [dryly] Excellent shirt. [to Rory] I can see what you see in him.
LOGAN: Don't be an ass, Colin.
COLIN: Me? Never. I'm a friend to all people, large and very, very small. [walks off to catch up to Logan]
MARTY: I kind of hate those guys.
RORY: Really? I can't see why.
CUT TO RORY'S DORM ROOM
[ Door opens and Rory enters to see the dorm rearranged, and almost fully set up and decorated. Paris enters from one of the bedrooms.]
RORY: Wow.
PARIS: I moved some things around. I also switched our rooms. Now, mine may seem bigger, but yours gets less sun, so you don't have to worry about melanoma.
RORY: Hey.
PARIS: What?
[Rory pulls Paris into a warm hug]
RORY: Sorry.
PARIS: Thanks.
RORY: So, how are you holding up?
[Paris fusses around the room, hanging up a picture, making small adjustments.]
PARIS: I'm fine. I'm actually relieved to be anywhere that people aren't arguing over the first-edition Faulkners. His granddaughter Sarah is the worst. If she thought the casket was worth anything, she would have stuffed it in her purse.
RORY: You know Paris, you don't have to take care of all this. It's not up to you.
PARIS: I know. It's just I want his memory to be respected. [fidgets with décor]
RORY: It will be.
PARIS: I still can't believe he's gone. He left me his manuscripts.
RORY: [impressed] Wow.
PARIS: Yeah. If Sarah finds out, it's going to be the mountain girl trial all over again. Listen, I want to have a wake.
RORY: A what?
PARIS: A wake in Asher's honor here. We'll give others the chance to pay their respects, to say goodbye. People are going to want this closure. I just think it's the right thing to do.
RORY: Sure.
PARIS: Thank you. [ Cellphone rings ] Hello? Larry, Larry, no. I'm sorry. Did you take the bar or just hang out in one?
CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT PORCH - EVENING
[Lorelai exits the front door. As she turns, Luke pulls up in his truck. They both seemed stunned to see the other. Lorelai pauses on the front steps, Luke exits his truck]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Oh, hey. I was --
LORELAI: [pointing back to the door] No, I was just coming to...
LUKE: -- pick you up. Was I not supposed to?
LORELAI: No, I figured I'd meet you at the diner.
LUKE: Oooh.
LORELAI: Yeah..
LUKE: I guess we should have discussed.
LORELAI: No-no, I should have assumed -
LUKE: I mean, we u-usually --
LORELAI: Yeah, but this is a date, so the guy usually does - in the truck, and so -
LUKE: Sorry.
LORELAI: No, I'm sorry. [awkward pause] I could go back inside.
LUKE: No, no, this is fine. You're out now, so... [another awkward pause]
LORELAI: We should go.
LUKE: We should go.
[After an awkward 'who goes where?' moment, Luke guides Lorelai around the front of the truck to open the door for her]
LORELAI: You don't have to get the -
LUKE: [scoffs and opens the door. They both nervously chuckle]
LORELAI: okay.
LUKE: There you go.
LORELAI: We'll get better at this.
LUKE: Yeah.
CUT TO INTERIOR OF A HOMEY YET STYLISH TAVERN
[Luke and Lorelai enter]
LORELAI: Oh. Oh, wow. Very 'Prancing Pony'.
LUKE: This way, please. [gently guides her toward a round-tabled booth] Your table, Miss.
LORELAI: Oh. Why, thank you, sir.
[He removes his jacket and sets aside as they both slide into the booth and sit. Lorelai notices a small sign on the table.]
LORELAI: [impressed] "Reserved."
LUKE: I told you I'd planned the evening.
LORELAI: Weren't we supposed to let someone who works here seat us?
LUKE: Not necessary.
LORELAI: Is this like a Mafia thing?
LUKE: Excuse me?
LORELAI: The whole coming in, special table, reserved sign. Are you gonna have to whack someone before the soup course?
LUKE: No, I've filled my whacking quota for the week. [cringes] Dirty?
LORELAI: [wicked grin] Extremely.
LUKE: Thought so.
MAISY: [OS] Lucas!
[An older woman walks up to their table with menus]
LUKE: How you doing, Maisy?
MAISY: You just seat yourself now?
LORELAI: I told him!
[Luke stands and gives Maisy a warm hug]
MAISY: We run a nice place here, Lucas, not like that hash joint of yours. And this must be your young lady. Hello, there. I'm Maisy.
[they shake hands]
LORELAI: Hi. I'm Lorelai. I love your place.
MAISY: It used to be a whorehouse.
LORELAI: Oh - my.
MAISY: I like that it's got a tarty history. The best places do.
LORELAI: And the best people.
MAISY: 'The best people'. I like that. [calls out loudly] Buddy! [shoos Luke] Will you sit down?
LUKE: Well, you pulled me up. [sits]
[Older man walks up]
MAISY: Buddy, this is Lorelai.
BUDDY: Lorelai. Well, hello, Lorelai. [shakes hands]
LORELAI: Hello, Buddy.
MAISY: This is very exciting for us because Lucas never brings his girls here. [calls out] Lori, some sparkling water and champagne.
LUKE: And a beer.
MAISY: You're on a date, you drink champagne. You're at a ball game, you drink a beer.
LORELAI: My goodness, what a big menu.
LUKE: Don't bother looking. Whatever you order, they'll just bring you something different.
MAISY: Hey, what about the, uh - [hand gestures]
BUDDY: Oh, yeah, good. With garlic and --
MAISY: No, no, no garlic. I mean, give the boy a chance.
[Disappointed, Buddy exits]
MAISY: Lorelai, nice to meet you, and, uh, he's a special one, this guy.
LORELAI: That's the word on the street. [Maisy exits] They know you.
LUKE: Actually, I come here two, three times a week. Yeah -- breakfast, dinner, whenever I have the time.
LORELAI: Oh, my God, Luke has a 'Luke's'.
LUKE: Yeah, well, y'know. I've known Maisy and Bud my whole life. Maisy went to school with my mother.
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: Yeah. And then later on when my dad died and I wanted to turn the hardware store into a diner, you know, Buddy really helped me out.
LORELAI: That's so nice.
LUKE: He's a good guy. He really showed me how to run a restaurant, how to order -- everything, basically. I mean, I couldn't have done it without him.
[Lorelai looks around]
LORELAI: I love this place.
LUKE: It's a great place -- very old.
LORELAI: How long have they owned it?
LUKE: Actually, the story of that is on the back of the menu.
LORELAI: Oh, cool. [flips over the menu and clears throat] Oh, look -- "Sniffy's Tavern: A story of love." Oh, a story of love. "Maisy Fortner and Bertram 'Buddy' Linds met at a high-school basketball game. She was playing, he was not. They fell in love, got married. Buddy went to work at a dairy, and Maisy worked at the school, but they dreamed to someday own a restaurant so that all of their friends and family could come and eat and visit and laugh with them every single day."
LUKE: Buddy hated working at that dairy.
LORELAI: [continues to read] "One day Sniffy, their beloved dog, ran away. Maisy and Buddy searched high and low for him. Finally they stumbled past a dilapidated old tavern that had been boarded up for years. They heard a dog howling. They forced open the door, and there was Sniffy, stuck underneath a fallen beam. Maisy and Buddy pulled Sniffy free and rushed him to the vet, where he immediately went into emergency surgery." Oh my God, did Paul Thomas Anderson write this? Edit, people.
LUKE: You don't have to read the whole thing. There's not gonna be a quiz.
LORELAI: I'm almost done. [continues reading] "Four hours later... Sniffy was d*ad." Sniffy was d*ad?! Are you serious? Where's the happy ending?
LUKE: Well, that's what happened.
LORELAI: Well, people don't read the back of the menu to find out what really happened. They read the back of the menu to be happy, to be uplifted. That's why they read the back of the menu.
LUKE: Not that many people read the back of the menu.
[waitress pours champagne into two flutes.]
LORELAI: [to waitress] Did you know about the whole Sniffy thing? [she nods]
LUKE: If it makes you feel better, Sniffy was 150,000 years old.
LORELAI: [feigns a pout] You're lying.
[Luke grins as he hands her a glass of champagne]
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: Hey, here's to you.
LORELAI: I'll drink to that. [they both sip]
LUKE: Yep, I definitely hate champagne.
LORELAI: This is nice.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: Hey, do you remember the first time we met?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
LUKE: [nods] It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person -
LORELAI: [gasps] Ooh, is it me? Is it me?
LUKE: This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.
LORELAI: [gleeful] Ooh, it's me.
LUKE: I was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying -- sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her.
LORELAI: Y'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful.
LUKE: She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me.
LORELAI: [dryly] God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?
LUKE: So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under "Scorpio," she had written, "you will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away." I gave her coffee.
LORELAI: [grinning] But she didn't go away.
LUKE: She told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me - [pulls a small scrap of paper from his wallet and holds it out to Lorelai] one day it would bring me luck.
LORELAI: [teasing] Well, man, I will say anything for a cup of coffee [unfolds the scrap and reads it with new remembrance] Um...I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? [sees his serious expression] You kept this in your wallet.
LUKE: Eight years.
LORELAI: [touched] Eight years.
[Luke sighs and returns the precious scrap to his wallet]
LUKE: Lorelai, this thing we're doing here -- me, you -- I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in. [carefully watches her reaction] Does that, uh -- are you, uh, scared?
[Lorelai blushes with sudden shyness, but looks back and smiles.]
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Camera pans from the main living area, with stray clothes strewn over furniture to his bed. Following their lovemaking, Luke and Lorelai lie snuggled together covered by only a thin blanket. Lorelai toys with his hand.]
LORELAI: I can't believe you kept that horoscope.
LUKE: You're just lucky I never clean out my wallet.
LORELAI: You can't take it back now. You've exposed yourself. You've been pining for me.
LUKE: [ Chuckles ] I have not been pining.
LORELAI: I'm your Ava Gardner.
LUKE: God help me. [ Sighs ] Okay. Let's get something out of the way right now. [reaches over to the nightstand and picks up a pad of paper and pencil]
LORELAI: What? What are you doing?
LUKE: Tell me what CD's to get so I don't have to hear about it.
LORELAI: Seriously?
LUKE: And skip any '80s groups where the guys dressed up like pirates. I draw the line at pirates.
LORELAI: [kisses his shoulder] This has been a really great first date.
LUKE: It only took us eight years to get here.
[They kiss and kiss again. Lorelai then taps on the pad to remind Luke about the list]
LUKE: Okay. So, U2, right?
LORELAI: Yeah, Bono is a must, and Blondie and, um, ooh - Sparks, especially the new one, plus Bowie.
LUKE: Okay, I know he dressed up like a pirate.
LORELAI: Space man.
LUKE: Space man I can deal with.
CUT TO SAME LOCATION - LUKE'S BEDROOM - HOURS LATER
[Things look different. All pillows and blanket are now piled on Lorelai's side of the bed. Luke is asleep with only the edge of the sheet covering him.] [ Alarm buzzing ]
LORELAI: Mmm.
LUKE: Sorry. I forgot to turn the alarm off.
LORELAI: Bad alarm. Bad, bad alarm.
[Luke reached and turns off alarm, then scoots closer to Lorelai, who now uses him as a pillow]
LORELAI: [groggy] What time is it?
LUKE: Early.
LORELAI: Hate early. Must k*ll early.
[Luke sleepily strokes her hair and kisses the top of her head]
LORELAI: Okay. I gotta get up.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Work. Inn. Buy shoes. Oh, my God, I can't move. I need coffee.
LUKE: I don't have coffee up here. It's all downstairs.
LORELAI: [whimpers] Downstairs. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. [kisses his chest before slipping out of bed and donning Luke's plaid shirt]
LUKE: [remains in bed with eyes closed, half-asleep] Where are you going?
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - BOTTOM OF STAIRS
[Humming quietly, Lorelai reaches bottom of stairs, tousled bed-hair in her face, fastening the top button of the flannel shirt. She freezes when she sees a diner-full of people all staring at her. Backs away and runs back up the stairs.]
CUT TO LUKE'S BEDROOM
[Door closes [OS]. Luke is fast asleep. Lorelai enters]
LORELAI: Well, I think people are gonna know.
LUKE: [startled] What? What are you talking about? [fully awake now] Why are you wearing my shirt?
LORELAI: I put it on to go get coffee.
LUKE: Downstairs?
LORELAI: Well, you don't keep it upstairs.
LUKE: The diner's open.
LORELAI: You're kidding!
LUKE: You walked into the diner like that?
LORELAI: I didn't think the diner could open without you.
LUKE: I had Caesar open.
LORELAI: Well, he did, with a floor show.
LUKE: Okay, so, maybe nobody noticed.
LORELAI: Look at me!
LUKE: Okay, yes. Well, but you wear crazy outfits all the time.
LORELAI: They usually include pants.
LUKE: Okay, so they know. So what? I mean, they're gonna find out eventually, right?
LORELAI: Right. So, we'll hear about it for a few days.
LUKE: Few weeks.
LORELAI: Six months of hearing about it, but then it'll die down.
LUKE: We'll be used to it.
LORELAI: And everything will get back to normal, so, okay, well, they know. It's out.
LUKE: It's out. [Lorelai chuckles] Where's your coffee?
LORELAI: [indicates her clothes - err, lack of] Mm-hmm.
LUKE: [without hesitation] I'M getting your coffee.
CUT TO RORY'S DORM ROOM
[Paris rushes into the main room]
PARIS: I need more candles.
RORY: Check my trunk. I think my mom put some in there. [watches Paris stack hardcover books] That's a lot of books you got there.
PARIS: The very fact that the bookstore had any in stock shows the sad nature of American reading habits.
RORY: Do you need some help with those?
PARIS: I got this, but here -- you can put these up.
RORY: You made flyers.
PARIS: Anyone who wants to pay tribute to this great man deserves the opportunity.
RORY: I'm on it. [she exits to dorm hallway with handful of flyers]
CUT TO DORM HALLWAY
[Rory exits her dorm room. She looks for empty space on any of the nearby bulletin boards, already crammed with notices, notes and advertisements, Three students enter the dorm hall]
COLIN: Okay, Finn, last building. Please say it looks familiar.
FINN: [eagerly looking around] Ahh, uh…
LOGAN: Apparently it doesn't look familiar.
FINN: No, hold on. Hold on. Yes. Here. [walks around a corner] This is where she lives.
RORY: Excuse me. Can I help you?
LOGAN: No thanks. [follows the other two boys]
RORY: Hey.
[Rory follows the boys around the corner and see them standing before a dorm door. Hers.]
COLIN: Don't put your number. Don't put your number!
FINN: I'm not putting my number, I'm putting your number. [indicates Logan]
RORY: [confused] That's my room.
[They turn to see Rory. Logan grins]
LOGAN: Okay, put my number.
FINN: Are you sure this is your room?
RORY: I'm sure.
FINN: I could have sworn it was her room.
RORY: What's her name? Maybe I know her.
FINN: Uh, it was short.
RORY: [dryly] I can understand your disappointment, losing a potential soul mate like that, but that is my room.
LOGAN: I'm sorry about the mix-up. My friend here means no harm. He just has to learn that Guinness and blondes - they don't mix.
FINN: Redheads!
LOGAN: We sincerely apologize, and we will now leave you to finish putting up your poster of... this really old guy. [looks closer at the papers in Rory's hands]
RORY: Professor Asher Fleming.
LOGAN: What, they were out of Orlando Bloom?
RORY: Professor Fleming died last week. We're throwing him a wake.
LOGAN: Okay, so were you and Fleming - [pauses for effect]
RORY: No!
LOGAN: Sorry. Just you're putting a poster of him up in your hallway. You can see where I get the impression he's a little bit more than a teacher.
RORY: Well, he was more than a teacher. He was a great writer and an inspiration in many other things that you couldn't possibly understand.
LOGAN: [surprised] You don't like me. You don't know me, but you don't like me.
RORY: [darkly] I know you.
LOGAN: You do?
RORY: We met yesterday. With Marty.
LOGAN: Marty?
RORY: [slightly annoyed] Marty -- my friend Marty. He bartended for you.
LOGAN: Yes, Marty. I'm sorry. It slipped my mind. Of course I met you yesterday with Marty. Nice to see you again...
RORY: [exasperated] Rory!
LOGAN: Nice to see you again, Rory. You're looking well. Angry works for you.
RORY: I'm not angry, I'm just irritated.
LOGAN: By me?
RORY: Yes.
LOGAN: Because I forgot for a moment who you were?
RORY: No, because you speak to people as if they're below you.
LOGAN: People?
RORY: Marty.
LOGAN: Ah, your friend Marty?
RORY: Yes, my friend, Marty. You talked to him like he was dirt, and that's why I'm looking at you like this.
LOGAN: I'm sorry. What did I say that was so bad? I said hello and I think I said he made a kick-ass margarita
RORY: It's not what you said, it's how you said it.
LOGAN: How'd I say it?
RORY: Like Judi Dench.
LOGAN: Ouch.
RORY: Just because somebody doesn't have money or a fancy family doesn't mean they're inferior to you.
LOGAN: I agree.
RORY: And just because somebody is a bartender at a party for you and your friends, that doesn't mean that you can talk to them like a servant. [turns to leave]
LOGAN: Well...
RORY: What?!
LOGAN: I hired him. I paid him. He served. That's what a servant does.
RORY: [incredulous] Are you serious?
LOGAN: For the sake of argument.
RORY: He was doing a job.
LOGAN: A job he took willingly.
RORY: Some people have to work.
LOGAN: And I bet if you ask him he'll tell you he made excellent tips that night. Because my friends - they tend to enjoy their re-fills.
RORY: Not the point.
LOGAN: To a bartender, tips are very much the point.
RORY: Just because you pay somebody, it doesn't mean that you can speak to them as if they're beneath you.
LOGAN: Actually, the fact that this is a free country means I can speak to anyone in any manner which I choose. However, the rules of a civilized society may frown upon a certain obvious show of snobbery, so if that's your argument --
RORY: I don't have an argument.
LOGAN: I can give you a moment to formulate one if you want to continue.
RORY: I'm busy!
LOGAN: You concede.
RORY: I don't like it when people hurt my friends.
LOGAN: And you react when goaded.
RORY: I am not goaded. I am so far from goaded. Get out your compass, and I will show you how far from goaded I am.
LOGAN: I think we got a serious debater in our midst.
[one of his friends appear on the stairs]
FINN: Logan, I think we've found it.
LOGAN: Tell Marty I said hi, and I promise to remember you instantly next time. [no reaction from Rory. He gives her a winning smile] Now, tell me that wasn't fun? [ Sighs as he moves toward the stairs] Master and Commander.
RORY: [confused] The movie?
LOGAN: No, that's what I want you to call me from now on. [climbs stairs]
RORY: Ugh.
CUT TO RORY'S DORM ROOM
[Rory enters. Paris sits on sofa smoking a pipe]
PARIS: [sadly] I just wanted to smell like him again.
[Rory closes the door, joins Paris on the sofa and puts a comforting arm around her. Paris continues to puff on the pipe]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW - SAME SIDEWALK AS PREVIOUS
[Lorelai approaches her gossiping friends.]
[ Laughter ]
MRS. CASINI: You didn't! You didn't.
LORELAI: Morning, ladies. [cringes waiting for reaction]
BABETTE: Oh, morning, Sugar.
MRS. CASINI: Samson and Delilah Sapperstein got back together.
BABETTE: I'm not surprised. Those two belong together.
MISS PATTY: Well, its nice that they made up. That means they're bound to have one of their fabulous fights very soon, which we need because things are slow around here.
[Lorelai looks puzzled ]
BABETTE: I hear that.
MRS. CASINI: They're lowering the free-parking limit at the drugstore. [Lorelai looks around puzzled] You only get 20 minutes free with validation instead of 30.
BABETTE: Well, times, they are a-changin'.
[All three women nod. Lorelai backs away]
LORELAI: Well, so, I'm gonna go. I got to get to work. [hesitates, waiting for reaction]
MISS PATTY: Bye, honey.
BABETTE: Give Rory a kiss for us.
LORELAI: I will. [long pause waiting. They stare blankly back] Okay.
[The ladies resume their gossiping as Lorelai walks away slightly disappointed.]
BABETTE: Did you notice that one side of Rosella's butt implant deflated?
MISS PATTY: Well, if your doctor accepts a co-pay of… [fades]
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN - FRONT LOBBY
[Agitated, Lorelai walks in with a cordless phone to her ear]
LORELAI: Nobody knows. I swear.
LUKE'S VOICE: How do you know?
LORELAI: Well, I walked by "Hello! Magazine" this morning. They mentioned nothing.
SCENE SWITCHES BETWEEN INN AND DINER
LUKE: Well, maybe they're just trying to be, I don't know, respectful about it.
LORELAI: Babette? Miss Patty?
LUKE: Well, maybe they're trying not to embarrass you.
LORELAI: Babette? Miss Patty?
LUKE: Well, maybe -- I'm out.
LORELAI: Has anyone mentioned it to you?
LUKE: No, but, seriously, who's gonna mention it to me?
LORELAI: Babette? Miss Patty?
LUKE: No, it's been very quiet.
LORELAI: They have to know.
LUKE: Maybe they don't care.
LORELAI: That's kind of a bummer.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: I don't know. You at least want them to have some interest.
LUKE: Let's just look at it this way. It's out. We don't have to worry about it. We can just go on. Are we still on for tonight?
LORELAI: Liz Taylor and Richard Burton couldn't go outside without people noticing.
LUKE: Well, I'll get drunk, you gain 500 pounds, and we'll give it another go.
LORELAI: Pick me up at 7:00?
LUKE: I'll pick you up at 7:00.
LORELAI: Okay, bye.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE DINING ROOM
[Emily sits alone at the elegantly dressed table - eating alone. Tony Bennett music plays in the background. Emily dabs her mouth with an expensive linen napkin]
EMILY: Madonna Louise!
[Maid enters and clears her dinner setting]
MADONNA LOUISE: Can I get you some dessert, Mrs. Gilmore?
EMILY: No, thank you.
MADONNA LOUISE: Very good, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: And don't run the dishwasher. It's not full.
MADONNA LOUISE: I won't, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: I smelled something funny earlier in the northeast corner of the kitchen.
MADONNA LOUISE: I sprayed for ants this afternoon.
EMILY: Oh, Madonna Louise, I told you never spray that poison all over the place. You simply have to k*ll the scout ants so they don't go back and tell the rest of them where the food is.
MADONNA LOUISE: I know Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: You k*ll the scouts, or you use the chalk that we bought in Chinatown last month.
MADONNA LOUISE: Okay, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Madonna Louise?
MADONNA LOUISE: Yes, Mrs. Gilmore?
EMILY: It was a lovely omelet.
MADONNA LOUISE: Thank you, Mrs. Gilmore. [exits]
[Emily rises and blows out the candle tapers on the table. Idly wanders to the living room, and picks up her nearby book to read. Unsatisfied, she puts the book down and wanders about the room, bored. She prepares to climb the stairs to go to bed, when she hears a noise outside. Vehicle door closes, engine turns over. Curious, she walks to the window to look out. What she sees makes her gape from shock.]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW - EVENING
[Luke and Lorelai walk together across the town square toward Miss Patty's]
LUKE: How did I get rooked into this?
LORELAI: Uh, I'm irresistible?
LUKE: Yeah. Well, have I mentioned I hate town meetings?
LORELAI: No. I thought you said you hate clown bleedings, which I totally agree with.
LUKE: Oh, no. Is tonight raffle night? I can't deal with raffle night.
LORELAI: No, it's not raffle night. Look, I promise we won't stay for the whole thing. It'll be like a stop by. We'll just run in and get the headlines so I have something to tell Rory, and then we're off to the movie.
LUKE: Do not get used to me going to these town things. Just because you like them does not mean that I will ever like them or tolerate them or go to them.
LORELAI: Hmm. Other than tonight?
LUKE: Yes, other than tonight.
LORELAI: And next Thursday.
LUKE: I did not say I would go next Thursday. [ Cellphone rings ] What the hell is next Thursday?
[ Cellphone continues to ring as Lorelai grins and answers the phone]
LORELAI: Hello?
EMILY'S VOICE: Lorelai? Oh, thank God I found you. [Lorelai curses silently and mouths the words "my mother" to Luke.]
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
[She points an accusing finger to Luke, who shrugs innocently]
SCENE SWITCHES BETWEEN EMILY'S HOME AND LORELAI
EMILY: The most bizarre thing has happened. At 7:30 at night, I had just finished my dinner. I was about to go upstairs and read, and I suddenly heard a car.
LORELAI: Uh-huh.
EMILY: I ran to the window just in time to see your father driving away. He was driving away at 7:30 at night.
LORELAI: Uh-huh.
EMILY: [exasperated] Lorelai!
LORELAI: Was he driving backwards or with his feet?
EMILY: Where was your father going at 7:30 at night?
[Luke stands patiently listening to their conversation, tugging gently on the corner of her jacket]
LORELAI: Well, maybe he had a business meeting.
EMILY: At 7:30 at night? What, has he suddenly become a bootlegger?
LORELAI: Mom, I'm sorry. I'm about to go into a thing. Can we talk about this later? [Luke nods in agreement and pulls her closer by her jacket's corner]
EMILY: Oh, absolutely. Far be it for me to intrude on whatever vague event you're going to.
LORELAI: Great! Thanks, Mom. Bye. [click] Your fault.
LUKE: How was that my fault?
LORELAI: Because you preoccupied me with all your yammering about the meeting, so I wasn't thinking, and I didn't check to see who was calling before I answered. [grins] Boy, it's nice to finally have someone to blame.
[Lorelai giggles and Luke grins as he follows her to up the front steps.]
CUT TO TOWN MEETING INSIDE MISS PATTY'S STUDIO.
[Meeting is underway with much conversation. Andrew and Gypsy are standing in the front of the raised stage.]
ANDREW: And then looked, backed up -
GYPSY: No.
ANDREW: I did too back up.
GYPSY: You backed up. You didn't look. You got in, you turned on your car, and then you whipped out of that space like you were Lizzie Grubman.
[ Luke and Lorelai quietly sneak inside and take seats in the back of the room.]
LORELAI: Do we have timing or what?
[more arguing in the front of the room]
ANDREW: I did not.
GYPSY: Andrew, you did too.
ANDREW: I distinctly remember looking in my mirror and seeing nothing.
GYPSY: Except me.
ANDREW: I didn't see you.
GYPSY: Liar
ANDREW: I am not a liar.
[Lorelai pulls licorice from her purse and offers one to Luke]
CUT TO RORY AND PARIS' DORM ROOM
[Paris greets two boys at the open doorway. The room is crowded with people. Hard cover books are stacked everywhere.]
PARIS: Thank you for coming. Please feel free to take a book. [The boys shrug and enter the room - walking straight for the beverage table, where cups, wine bottles, beer pitchers stand atop stack of books. Marty approaches Rory]
MARTY: Hey.
RORY: Hi.
MARTY: Interesting crowd.
RORY: Yeah, most of the people have no idea they're at a wake. They think it's some weird theme party. I've spent the entire evening trying to get people to stop referring to Asher as "the old d*ad dude."
MARTY: Does Paris know?
RORY: Paris, thank goodness, is Paris. [Marty nods]
[Paris approaches]
PARIS: Hi, Marty. Thank you for coming. Please help yourself to a book.
RORY: The wake seems to be going well.
PARIS: It is. [looking around] I'm very pleased with the turnout. I mean, I knew he was beloved, but this is overwhelming.
[Rory sees some students carrying in a beer keg and motions quietly for Marty to get rid of them]
PARIS: You know, it's funny, but Asher died right at the height of my passion for him. I kind of wonder what would have happened if he had lived. Would I have stayed in love with him forever?
RORY: I don't know.
PARIS: He died before I could find out. Now I'll always be in love with him. He's my Mike Todd. [Rory consoles Paris with a hug]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW TOWN MEETING
[Luke watches Lorelai munch on more snacks]
LUKE: We're going to dinner after the movie.
LORELAI: I know.
[Taylor speaks from the podium]
TAYLOR: All those who think Andrew was in the wrong, arms raised. [several people raise their hands] All those who think that Gypsy was at fault, arms raised. [More hands raise] The majority rules. Gypsy is at fault for the fender bender outside the Stars Hollow Garden Center and shall be responsible for all said damages.
GYPSY: Ha! We have got to get a courthouse in this town! [sits down in a huff]
TAYLOR: All right, let's move on to the next order of business. Hmm. A very serious matter has been brought to our attention, and I would like to bring to the floor for discussion the possible negative ramifications of the inn owner and diner owner dating.
LORELAI: [ Gasps ] That's us.
LUKE: They're talking about us.
TAYLOR: Now, as you all know, the relationship we have feared for some time has emerged, and we need to carefully consider whether or not we can support this.
LORELAI: Oh, my God.
LUKE: We're sitting right here!
TAYLOR: Yes, we see you, Luke, and, as a member of the town, you are welcome to voice your opinion.
LUKE: Voice my --
TAYLOR: [gavel bang] I open the floor up for discussion. [crowd murmurs and numerous hands raise] All right. I'll start. Luke's Diner is a staple in this town. Most of us eat there on a regular basis. The Dragonfly Inn, though newer than Luke's Diner, has also become very important in our community. [Luke and Lorelai exchange looks of disbelief] The co-mingling of the owners of these two establishments can only set the stage for disaster.
LUKE: What the hell is he talking about?
LORELAI: Well he's not happy with our co-mingling.
TAYLOR: Think of the consequences. What will happen when the relationship goes sour, as, let's face it, most of Lorelai's relationships do?
LORELAI: Hey!
TAYLOR: We'll have to choose. Suddenly you'll either be a 'Luke' or a 'Lorelai', or, if you're Kirk and you can't make a decision to save your life, you'll be neither.
KIRK: He's probably right.
TAYLOR: That's bad for the economy, bad for the town. I vote against this.
LORELAI: Are they gonna make us break up?
BABETTE: I think you're over reacting, Taylor.
TAYLOR: People, do I have to remind you about Fay Wellington and Art Brush, huh? Do I? [murmurs in the crowd]
LORELAI: Uh, yeah.
BABETTE: Fay owned a flower shop, and Art owned a candy store, and they fell madly in love about 10 years ago -- big romance.
TAYLOR: And for a while, it all worked very synergistically. Flowers and candy seemed like a perfect match...
MISS PATTY: Until Art met Margie.
GYPSY: The fudge queen.
BABETTE: Ooh, that was bad.
TAYLOR: The whole town split right down the middle. Suddenly you could buy flowers or you could buy candy.
MISS PATTY: Valentine's Day was a nightmare.
KIRK: Par for the course for me.
TAYLOR: Eventually, the hostility forced Art to move.
BABETTE: Fay never married. She stopped making candy. It was very sad.
TAYLOR: And those storefronts were empty for a year. No one wanted to be there.
LORELAI: God, this sounds terrible. Maybe they have a point.
LUKE: No, they don't have a point.
LORELAI: Well, what if something happens?
LUKE: This is crazy. I don't believe that the breakup of Fay Wellington and Art Brush affected the economy of this town one bit.
TAYLOR: Well, lucky for you, I brought charts.
LUKE: You have charts concerning the romance of two people who used to live here 10 years ago?
[Lorelai's cellphone rings ]
KIRK: We think Fay still lives in the caves above the Clancys' Mill. We can't prove it, but every so often, we hear "Delta Dawn" playing over and over.
LORELAI: [quietly] Hello?
EMILY: Your father came home at 8:30. He went inside the poolhouse for five minutes, and he got back in his car, and he drove away again.
[Luke looks inquiringly and Lorelai silently mouths "my mother". Luke, satisfied returns his attention to the meeting.]
LORELAI: Mom, this is really not a good --
EMILY: Traipsing all over the place at all hours of the night.
LORELAI: Uh-huh. Mom, where are you? You sound very far away. [quietly walks outside]
CUT TO OUTSIDE TOWN MEETING
[Scene switches between Lorelai and Emily's car]
EMILY: Park Road.
LORELAI: Park Road. Why?
EMILY: I'm not gonna be the one that sits at home alone in the dark like an Italian widow. If he can go out, then I can go out, so I went out.
LORELAI: Well, good for you.
EMILY: I figured I'd have dinner. I already had dinner. But if Richard's having two dinners, then I can have two dinners, so I went to a place I used to eat at when I was in college. And do you know what I found? It's a 'Lube-And-Tune' with an X-rated T-shirt store next door.
LORELAI: Mom, this is silly. Why don't you just go home?
EMILY: I'm not gonna be the first one back.
LORELAI: Well, how long are you gonna drive around?
EMILY: Until I'm sure your father came home. Let him worry about where I was all night.
[Conversation gets louder inside at the meeting]
LORELAI: Look, I can't talk right now.
EMILY: Well, I'm not done.
LORELAI: I'll call you later.
EMILY: I could be d*ad later.
LORELAI: Call one of your friends.
EMILY: No one knows about the separation except you and Rory.
LORELAI: Well, I'm sorry, Mom. I'm in the middle of something very important.
EMILY: Well, this is important, too. Meet me for a coffee.
LORELAI: Mom, I can't, and Rory just moved in, and she's at school getting settled, so if you really can't talk to one of your friends, I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to finish this later.
EMILY: Fine. [ Beep ]
CUT TO INSIDE THE STARS HOLLOW TOWN MEETING
[ The crowd is murmuring as Lorelai returns inside and sits beside Luke. Various poster-sized charts are set up on easels.]
BABETTE: I think that map's a little off. Luke would definitely take the Northwest block 'cause it's near the fishing hole.
LUKE: Okay, that's it. I've heard enough.
[Fed up, Luke walks to the stage and yanks up the charts off their easels, and yells at the towns people]
LUKE: This is my relationship -- mine, not yours, not yours, not yours, [looks at Lorelai] yours, but not yours. Mine and hers but not - (looking pointedly at Taylor) yours! There's not gonna be any more debating about whether or not it's a good idea if we're in a relationship, 'cause we're in a relationship.
LORELAI: Show them the horoscope!
TAYLOR: But in the event of a breakup -
LUKE: There's not going to be a breakup.
GYPSY: Well, isn't he the optimistic fellow?
LUKE: Fine. In case of a breakup, I'll move. I'll close up Luke's Diner, I'll go far, far away, and that way you won't have to choose, okay? Every section in town can be pink.
TAYLOR: Can we have your word on that?
LUKE: You can have my word and a couple of middle fingers on that, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Get that down. We have his word. Leave out the part about the fingers. All right, people, it seems that the issue of Gilmore and Danes vs. Stars Hollow has been resolved. [Lorelai grins and looks around proudly] See you all next week when everyone gets fingerprinted for the government. [gavel bangs] Meeting adjourned.
[Townspeople mill out chattering among themselves. Lorelai joins Luke near the stage.]
LORELAI: Wow!
LUKE: [nervous chuckle] Yeah. You still in?
LORELAI: You bet I am. [Then, a thought causes sudden panic] Oh, my God.
LUKE: [concerned] What? What's the matter?
[Lorelai quickly pulls out her cell phone and hits speed dial. She sighs impatiently while it rings.]
RORY'S VOICE: Hello?
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
CUT TO THE WAKE IN RORY'S DORM ROOM.
RORY: For what?
EMILY: Rory.
[Hearing her grandmother's voice, she turns in shock. Emily is standing in the open doorway]
RORY: Grandma.
LORELAI'S VOICE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
EMILY: [walks toward Rory looking around] What is going on here?
RORY: I have to hang up now.
LORELAI'S VOICE: Have I mentioned I'm sorry?
RORY: Bye. Well, this is a surprise.
EMILY: I simply had to get out of the house and your mother told me you were home, so I thought I'd come by and say hello. [looks around] Why are there pictures of Asher Fleming everywhere?
RORY: This is a wake for Professor Fleming. He died.
EMILY: [irritated] You'd think your grandfather could have mentioned that to me, but no. I bet he'll make me go to that insufferable man's funeral, though.
RORY: He was cremated.
EMILY: Oh, thank God.
[Paris rushes up and hugs Emily]
PARIS: Emily! It means so much to me that you came.
EMILY: Well, yes. Asher was very devoted to his students. [Paris bursts into tears crying] Oh, now, there's no need to cry. Yale is full of excellent teachers. [They both sit and Emily comforts Paris. Marty approaches Rory with two plastic cups]
MARTY: Root beer?
RORY: [takes one] Yeah. Thanks, Marty, for everything. You've been such a huge help tonight.
MARTY: For you, anything. Hey, Rory?
RORY: Hmm?
MARTY: Do you -- I mean, how come you don't have a-a -- do you have a boyfriend?
RORY: What?
MARTY: I'm just curious. You don't mention anyone. There's no one here you seem to be with, so I was just wondering what the deal was.
RORY: I don't know.
MARTY: You -- okay. So, what exactly does that mean -- "I don't know"?
RORY: I don't know.
MARTY: Okay. I mean, 'cause that's usually the kind of thing you know.
RORY: I know.
MARTY: So you don't know. Okay.
RORY: Um, will you excuse me for a minute, Marty?
MARTY: Sure.
[Rory walks out of the dorm room, picking up her purse as she exits. Scene pans to Emily and Paris conversing on the sofa.]
EMILY: And then he just takes off out of nowhere at 7:30 at night. [A young man hands Emily a beverage] Thank you, Thomas. I'll need a napkin.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW FORESTER RESIDENCE - EVENING
[Rory's Toyota Prius pulls up in front of Dean's parent's home. She walks up to the front door and knocks. After a pause, it opens. Dean is surprised to see Rory. They stare at each other a few moments, then he stands aside to welcome her inside. The door closes behind them.]
~~~ End ~~~ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x03 - Written in the Stars"} | foreverdreaming |
written by - Bill Prady
directed by Lee Shallat Chemel
transcript by Patti Jo with assistance by Canopus
OPEN IN LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Lorelai sleepily walks in and discovers Luke busily cooking at her stove.]
LUKE: Hey, you're up.
LORELAI: Hey, you're cooking.
LUKE: Yep, making the works. Even threw a couple blintzes in there to confuse you.
LORELAI: Wow. Where did all this come from?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: The food, the pans, the bowls, the spatula.
LUKE: Food's from Doose's, pans and bowls, you had, and the spatula's mine.
LORELAI: You travel with a spatula? [pulls coffee mug out of nearby cabinet]
LUKE: Sometimes.
LORELAI: You've actually found yourself in scraping and flipping situations without the trusty spatula before?
LUKE: [Unfazed, he continues stirring food in the pan.] Your coffee should be ready in a minute.
LORELAI: [too bright smile] Smells good. Hey, Luke?
LUKE: Yep?
LORELAI: You cooking this is so sweet - .
LUKE: [steels himself and rolls his eyes] But?
LORELAI: I just figured, you know, we'd go to Luke's for breakfast.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Because I like Luke's breakfast.
LUKE: I am Luke.
LORELAI: I know
LUKE: This is the same stuff I make at the diner.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: So what's the difference?
LORELAI: Well, the difference is, while you are Luke, we're not at Luke's.
LUKE: So?
LORELAI: Well, I have my things, you know? I have certain things. And one of my things is going to Luke's. And just because I now have "Dating Luke" doesn't mean I want to lose my "Cooking Luke."
LUKE: But I am cooking, and I am Luke.
LORELAI: Look, it's like Tommy Lee having a Starbucks at his house.
LUKE: [lost, but resumes cooking] What?
LORELAI: On the surface, it sounds great. But half the reason you go to a Starbucks is to go to a Starbucks, you know, to go out and see the people.
LUKE: Tommy Lee has a Starbucks in his house?
LORELAI: "Cribs," baby. Watch it.
LUKE: Like a whole Starbucks with workers and everything?
LORELAI: The point is that, while some things have changed -- and that's great -- I don't want everything to change completely.
[ Telephone ringing nearby ]
LUKE: [resigned] Okay. I'll see you at Luke's.
[Luke turns off stove and begins cleaning up as Lorelai celebrates]
LORELAI: Ah, I'll see you at Luke's! [picks up phone] Hello?
CUT TO RORY'S DORM ROOM AT YALE
[Rory scrambling around searching while talking on her phone. Scene switches between Yale and Lorelai's kitchen]
RORY: "Cultural Disenfranchisement with Women's Role Models" -- do you have it?
LORELAI: Oh, God, I hope not.
RORY: It's the book for the class I'm officially late to.
LORELAI: Oh.
[Lorelai begins searching around the kitchen as Luke continues to clear table - putting cooked food in plastic storage containers then into a sack to bring to "Luke's".]
LUKE: What are you looking for?
LORELAI: A big, boring book.
RORY: Who is that?
LORELAI: It's Luke?
LUKE: Who's that?
LORELAI: It's Rory.
RORY: Luke. It's pretty early in the morning for Luke to be there. Unless, perhaps, he woke up there.
LORELAI: Well, he did.
LUKE: "He did" what? Are you talking about me?
RORY: Man, that's weird.
LORELAI: What's weird?
LUKE: Who's weird? I'm weird?
RORY: The thought of Luke running around naked in my kitchen. It's weird.
LORELAI: Luke is not running around naked in your kitchen. He is sitting at the table, and, yes, he is naked.
LUKE: [cringes] Don't do that. Don't tell her I'm naked. I'm not naked. [calls out] I'm not naked!
RORY: [teasing] He sounds naked.
LORELAI: Well, the chairs are cold.
RORY: Huh?
LORELAI: He actually tried to make me breakfast.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah, naked.
LUKE: [drops what he's doing and starts to leave] Okay, that's it, I'm gone.
LORELAI: Oh, no, no, no. Sorry, don't, no. Rory, Luke is fully dressed. He never came in the house. He just stood outside all night playing "In Your Eyes" on a boom box.
[Luke gapes and stares at the ceiling]
RORY: I have to go. If you find the book, bring it to Friday-night dinner, okay? Go back to your dirtiness. [grabs her keys and exits]
[Luke grins as Lorelai takes the paper sack from him.]
CUT TO YALE - RORY AND PARIS' DORM ROOM
[Rory enters as Paris watches movers leave a large wooden structure which dominates the main room. As they leave Paris calls after them.]
PARIS: Thanks a lot. I photographed it before you moved it, so if there's any damage, you'll be hearing from my lawyer. [to Rory] Hi.
RORY: Hi. Introduce me to your friend.
PARIS: This is a Blou printing press, 18th century.
RORY: And it's here because?
PARIS: It's Asher's. He left it to me. It's beautiful, don't you think?
RORY: Yeah. Think it goes great with the entire width of the room.
PARIS: I know it's a little cumbersome, but we don't have to leave it right here. We could move it about six inches in any direction.
RORY: Paris, we can't just leave it here.
PARIS: I have nowhere else to put it.
RORY: But -
PARIS: You have to think of the benefits of having it here.
RORY: Like?
PARIS: No one else will have one, which means it's unique, which makes us unique. Kids our age do crazy things to make themselves unique -- piercings, blue hair, Kabbalah. It will be a great conversation piece. We'll be the talk of Branford.
RORY: I believe we will.
PARIS: We can print our own newsletter, if you'd like.
RORY: [dryly] "The Eccentric Gazette". I love it.
PARIS: It's from Asher. Just try it for a while. I promise if it gets in the way, we'll get rid of it.
[Rory looks down and begins struggling to pull on a trapped object]
RORY: Paris, it's on my book bag. I'm late for class, and you put a printing press on my book bag?
[Rory unzips the bag and removes her books, stacking them in her arms]
PARIS: Well, sorry. It's from my d*ad boyfriend, okay? I apologize if my grief is inconveniencing you. Maybe I'll just put myself on an iceberg and float myself out to sea so that no one will have to deal with my suffering.
RORY: Well, just get that thing off my bag before you go.
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN - LIBRARY - STREWN WITH STACKS OF BOOKS AND CARDBOARD BOXES]
[Michel enters, speaking on phone as Lorelai stocks shelves with books]
MICHEL: [speaking on cordless phone] This is outrageous, and he will call me back and it had better be in a timely manner, or I will come down there and introduce myself, and, oh, the fun we'll have. Tst! [clicks off the phone and tosses it on the nearby chair] I hate this chair!
LORELAI: What's the matter honey - Justin and Cameron having trouble again?
MICHEL: I just got off the phone with the very promising young man working as Taylor's assistant to try and talk to the man about this. [hold out official looking papers]
LORELAI: [approaches and take the papers] No, no. He rejected it again?
MICHEL: I believe that is what the bright red letters say.
LORELAI: We only need two lousy parking spaces. What is his problem?
MICHEL: Oh, the list is long.
LORELAI: This is the third time, Michel.
MICHEL: I know.
LORELAI: This is the third time that "Bus-and-Truck-Tour Mussolini" has rejected our permit.
MICHEL: [dejected] And I was there for every show.
LORELAI: What is rejection code "M"?
[Michel takes the papers and checks the reverse side]
MICHEL: "Applicant's name does not match name listed on articles of incorporation."
LORELAI: Ohh! Is he serious?!
MICHEL: Apparently you did not put your middle name on this application. However, you did put your middle name on the articles of incorporation. So the names don't match, and Taylor has no idea who you are.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm the person whose foot is going to prevent him from sitting down. That's who I am.
MICHEL: You always promise to hurt him, but then you don't. You're a Taylor tease.
LORELAI: I'm getting coffee.
MICHEL: [grunts]
CUT TO DRAGONFLY KITCHEN
[Lorelai enters and makes a bee-line to the coffee machine. Sookie, Jackson and several kitchen staff crowd around a box of tomatoes. Jackson slices one of the red fruit.]
SOOKIE: Ah, perfect timing! [waves her over]
LORELAI: Oh, Sookie, I really need some coffee.
SOOKIE: First this.
LORELAI: But it's right over there, and -- okay, what am I looking at?
SOOKIE: Jackson's tomatoes.
JACKSON: [ceremoniously passes the cutting board for everyone to take a slice] Here we go.
SOOKIE: Mmm. [Lorelai tries to slip away] Where are you going?
LORELAI: I was just gonna get a little --
SOOKIE: [hands Lorelai a big slice] Eat this. [Lorelai sighs and hurriedly takes a big bite] Isn't that the greatest tomato you've ever eaten?
LORELAI: It's good.
JACKSON: Good?
LORELAI: It's great.
JACKSON: Great?
LORELAI: All I wanted was a cup of coffee.
[Sookie instantly hands her a steaming cup] Oh, thank you. Sorry, Jackson. This is one rocking tomato.
JACKSON: This is the first batch grown in my brand-new hydroponic greenhouse.
SOOKIE: Jackson designed it himself.
JACKSON: Built most of it myself, too.
SOOKIE: You know what this means.
JACKSON: The best tomatoes on the East coast, and in October.
SOOKIE: Huh! October!
LORELAI: Heh - It sure ain't November.
JACKSON: This means year-round vegetables.
SOOKIE: I am never gonna be a sl*ve to Mother Nature again. If I wanna make it...
JACKSON: Then I'm gonna grow it.
LORELAI: [looks at them both] Aw, you two really found each other, didn't you?
JACKSON: [sexy voice to Sookie] Do you want another piece of tomato?
SOOKIE: Do I?
[Lorelai walks off]
JACKSON: [ Chuckling as he offers her another slice ]
SOOKIE: [ Giggles as she takes a bite ] Boys, leave us, please. [ Giggles ]
[The kitchen staff immediately disperse]
CUT TO YALE - RORY AND PARIS' DORM ROOM - EVENING
[ Knock on door. Rory crosses room as Paris mutters to herself while polishing part of the ancient printing press ]
PARIS: Ben Franklin was out of his mind.
[Rory opens the door to reveal Dean standing there]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hey. [they kiss as Paris glances over with curiosity] So, come on in. Dean, you remember Paris.
DEAN: Yes, I do. Uh, how you doing, Paris?
PARIS: I'm fine.
DEAN: What's that?
RORY: Uh, that's a printing press. Haven't you heard? Tats are out, movable type is in.
DEAN: I've heard that.
RORY: So, my room's in there.
DEAN: Nice to see you again, Paris.
PARIS: Right back at you.
[Dean wanders back to Rory's room and shuts the door. Paris stops Rory.]
PARIS: You're back with Farmer Boy? What gives?
RORY: Paris --
PARIS: I thought he was married.
RORY: He was -- now he's not.
PARIS: Well, well -- Hoss returns. Who would've thunk?
RORY: I'm going in my room now.
PARIS: Just hold on. We have to figure this out.
RORY: Figure what out?
PARIS: You're going to be bringing boys home now. We need a system.
RORY: I'm not bringing "boys" home. I'm bringing "boy" home. That boy - that's it.
PARIS: I assume you're having sex.
RORY: [uncomfortable] Paris!
PARIS: You're having sex. Well, luckily, I just bought some noise-reducing headphones, so that'll help.
RORY: Oh boy.
PARIS: If I put the headphones on, then stuff towels under the door, that should do the trick.
RORY: Hey, if you've got extra towels to stuff, I got a location suggestion.
PARIS: How loud are you?
RORY: Paris, stop.
PARIS: Look, I don't care. I just need the information to formulate a good plan. I mean, you look all small and squeaky, but sometimes, it's exactly the bunny-looking girls who can blow the roof off the barn. I know, just give me a three-minute warning.
RORY: I'm walking away now.
PARIS: That way, I have time to put everything in place. Put headphones on, et cetera.
RORY: Bye [backs away]
PARIS: Is he gonna be coming over a lot? Probably, right? He's at his peak now, and it's probably one of the only things he's good at so...
RORY: Three-minute warning!
PARIS: Right. [quickly exits]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW - DOOSE'S MARKET
[Lane, Zach walk through the aisles with grocery cart loading it with items. Brian follows with a pad of paper writing busily.]
LANE: Bread.
BRIAN: That's $1.10, so we're at $17.33.
ZACH: And jam.
LANE: Generic.
ZACH: Yes, Mom.
BRIAN: $1.40, so we're at $18.73.
ZACH: Yo, John Nash, enough with the numbers.
BRIAN: I'm just keeping track so we don't go over.
ZACH: It's too much pressure. I can't think.
BRIAN: If we use coupons, it would stretch our money.
ZACH: Dude, the only thing more un-rock 'n' roll than coupons is that shirt you're wearing.
BRIAN: I've asked you about this shirt. You never said anything.
ZACH: We're not using coupons.
[Zach opens refrigerated case and stocks up on canned beer]
LANE: Get enough brewskis there, buddy?
ZACH: Don't worry, I'm using my own money for this.
LANE: Okay, just…
ZACH: Just what?
LANE: I'm not sure why you need all that beer, that's all.
ZACH: We've got gigs coming up, and I've kinda learned through experience that if you say to people, "Hey, wanna come back for some beers?" And you don't have beer, they get pissed and leave.
LANE: People?
ZACH: Right.
LANE: Meaning "girls."
ZACH: I would prefer it be girls.
LANE: [sarcasm] Good. Well then, stock up, then, Hef. Get some extra for Jimmy Caan.
[Jackson appears and attempts to move pass through them]
JACKSON: Hey, guys. How you doing?
LANE: [irritated] Great. Hope you're not here for beer. I think we're buying it all up.
JACKSON: I'm just here for diapers. [exits]
LANE: [to Zach] Any of your girlfriends need diapers?
ZACH: What is your problem? [exits with the cart]
LANE: Problem? No problem. [Still irritated, she opens the case again and grabs carton and follows.] Milk.
BRIAN: Lane, that was a real brand. [follows]
CUT TO DOOSE'S CHECKOUT LINE
[Taylor, the cashier counts back change to a man with child, a woman, Maggie, stands behind him in line, Jackson stands behind her. ]
TAYLOR: That makes $27, $28, $29, $30, and $10 makes $40. And here -- here, take a balloon for the little miss. Election's on Tuesday. [Man and child exit with the balloon] Morning, Maggie. How's the family?
MAGGIE: A pain in my rear. Don't say I said that.
TAYLOR: Morning, Jackson. [as he continues to unload and ring up woman's groceries]
JACKSON: Hi, Taylor.
MAGGIE: Hey, are these the best you got?
TAYLOR: Unfortunately, October's a terrible time for tomatoes.
MAGGIE: I guess I could always go with canned. I hate canned.
JACKSON: Hey, if you're needing more, Taylor, I got a nice crop of tomatoes. We could work something out.
TAYLOR: Well, that's nice of you to offer. You're growing them in that big new greenhouse, right?
JACKSON: [proudly] Built it with my own two hands.
MAGGIE: That's very industrious.
TAYLOR: Too bad about what's happening with all that.
JACKSON: Yeah… err, What?
TAYLOR: Nice cukes, though.
MAGGIE: Beautiful cukes.
TAYLOR: I love cukes in a tricolore salad -- adds a nice crunch.
JACKSON: Uh, "too bad about all" what, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Oh, you know -- the greenhouse.
JACKSON: The greenhouse? What about the greenhouse?
MAGGIE: Wait -- aren't the cukes three for $1?
TAYLOR: They're two for $1.
MAGGIE: It said three.
TAYLOR: Barry, I need a price check on cucumbers.
JACKSON: Taylor?
TAYLOR: Jackson, please. This is not the proper forum to discuss the problem with your greenhouse.
JACKSON: What problem?!
TAYLOR: Barry, if you hear me, yell "10-4."
JACKSON: I'll check the price on the stupid cucumbers! Just tell me what's up with the greenhouse!
TAYLOR: Jackson, this is my place of business. The unpleasantness with your structure will all be settled at the next town meeting. I'm not hearing a "10-4," Barry.
JACKSON: I can't go to the town meeting. I'm watching the baby.
TAYLOR: Oh, I'd get a babysitter if I was you.
BARRY: [OS]10-4.
JACKSON: You were out smoking again, weren't you, Barry?
BARRY: [OS] No.
JACKSON: Don't lie. I'll smell your breath.
BARRY: [OS] 10-4.
JACKSON: I don't like the tone of that "10-4." [Frustrated, Jackson leaves without the diapers]
CUT TO RORY'S DORM BEDROOM AND LANE'S APARTMENT BEDROOM
[Scene switches between the two locations.]
LANE: I usually like grocery shopping. This stripped it of all enjoyment.
RORY: I thought you hated grocery shopping with the guys. You always bicker.
LANE: But that's fun bickering. That's bickering we'll look back on in 20 years, slap each other on the backs and say, "wha-ho, good times."
RORY: So you'll be Dickens characters in 20 years?
LANE: You know what I mean. I know -- I have no right to be bothered by Zach luring women back to the apartment with cheap beer, because I haven't told him I like him. I mean, if I had told him I like him and he was doing that, he'd be a creep of the first order. As it is, he's just exhibiting basic guy behavior -- grunt, grunt, caveman stuff, which, to be honest, is a bit of the appeal of Zach.
RORY: So why don't you tell him?
LANE: There's a danger here.
RORY: The roommate thing.
LANE: The band thing. Need I mention the rock 'n' roll casualties from intraband dating?
RORY: I know they're numerous.
LANE: Not that there's not success stories. I mean, you've got your Cramps, your Yo La Tengo, your Kim and Thurstons.
RORY: Sonny and Cher, the Early Years.
LANE: Plus, you've got bands that have survived breakups - No Doubt.
RORY: Wish they hadn't.
LANE: X, Supertramp, The White Stripes. But in the negative, you have -
RORY: Sonny and Cher, the Later Years.
LANE: Jefferson Airplane, Fleetwood Mac. I know of two country music stars whose backup singers sh*t them in the groin.
RORY: Whoa. That's wicked hate.
[Paris bursts in Rory's room]
PARIS: My batteries are d*ad.
RORY: Hold on, Lane. [to Paris] Your batteries?
PARIS: For my headphones. When's Dean getting here?
RORY: Calm down Paris. We're just gonna watch a movie, and you're welcome to join us.
PARIS: Please. You're 19. Unless it's "Shoah," you two are getting carnal. [storms off]
RORY: [to Lane on the phone] Sorry. You were saying?
LANE: You've got the data. Now I need insight.
RORY: I think you should just tell him. This is not going away, so find the right moment, and see what he says. Don't mention that intraband dating stuff. Just follow your heart.
LANE: Heart. Ho, the girls in Heart really screwed things up big-time.
[ Call waiting beeps ]
RORY: Hang on. [click] Hello?
CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET
[Dean, wearing an apron, is stocking produce. Scene switches back and forth between him and Rory.]
DEAN: Hey, it's me.
RORY: Oh, hey. You about on your way?
DEAN: Unfortunately, no. I have no way to get there.
RORY: Oh, what happened to your car?
DEAN: Uh, nothing. It's just, um... Lindsay needed it.
RORY: Oh, right.
DEAN: I don't know what for. She just needed it for some reason, and we're still kind of sharing it.
RORY: Right. Drag.
DEAN: I'll look to see if there's a bus or something.
RORY: That could take hours.
DEAN: Yeah. You want to come here?
RORY: To Stars Hollow? How?
DEAN: Drive. You got your car.
RORY: Oh, yeah, I do. Yeah, no, of course. Um, I have a car, and I'll drive to you.
DEAN: Good. I mean, if you want to.
RORY: Definitely. Yeah, and now Paris doesn't have to go get batteries.
DEAN: What?
RORY: Nothing. I'll see you in about an hour?
DEAN: My place?
RORY: See you there.
DEAN: Bye.
RORY: [clicks call waiting back to Lane] Sorry.
LANE: That's okay. Listen, I'm going to play two Rilo Kiley songs -- one pre-Jenny/Blake breakup, one post. Tell me if you hear a quality difference. [Hold up her phone to the boom box speaker]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW TOWN MEETING
[Taylor is standing on stage behind the podium deep into his lecture to the stunned townspeople]
TAYLOR: The ferocity of att*ck is not affected by whether they're in the larval or nymphal life stage or whether they're of the one-, two-, or three-host variety.
MISS PATTY: Oh, I hate this, Taylor. Every year.
BABETTE: Yeah, we get it -- ticks are bad.
TAYLOR: Maybe people who are new to our town -- thus, new to the town meeting -- don't know the hazards of the common tick.
GYPSY: [stands] Ticks are bad! Moving on! [sits]
TAYLOR: Don't hate the tick messenger. Hate the tick. Now, to continue…
[Taylor continues to lecture as Lorelai quietly speaks to Sookie]
LORELAI: He's ruined the word "nymphal" for me forever.
JACKSON: 4 bucks an hour to a babysitter for a tick lecture?
SOOKIE: Don't worry, honey. He'll get to us.
JACKSON: [under his breath] Waste of time.
TAYLOR: That's when a tick clamps onto his host, plunges his hypostome into the skin, and feasts on his next blood meal.
[The audience groans ]
MISS PATTY: You take too much delight in this, Taylor.
KIRK: [riveted] Go on, Taylor. He's sucking out the blood...
TAYLOR: They feed for extensive periods, and at large volumes, up to 500 times their body weight. This would be the equivalent of a 150-pound man drinking 9,000 gallons of human blood.
[The crowd groans again as Kirk nods with grave interest.]
BABETTE: Taylor, please! We get it!
MISS PATTY: Let's just vote on whatever it is you want us to vote on.
ANDREW: Before I hurl.
JACKSON: Yeah!
TAYLOR: Fine. The question before us is, shall the town incur the expense of posting signs urging residents to tuck their pants into their socks during tick season? In favor? [three people raise their hands] Opposed? [the remaining room raises their hands] The measure is defeated by an irresponsible, devil-may-care majority. Now we move on to the next item -- the matter of the town Stars Hollow vs. Land parcel 11423-A. Is the parcel holder present?
JACKSON: [stands] If that's me, I'm here.
TAYLOR: The parcel holder is present. Now, said parcel is cited as being in violation of section 423, subsection 4c, subsection 32-b, formerly known as section 424, subsection --
JACKSON: Enough!
LORELAI: Yeah, this is more painful than ticks!
TAYLOR: So, the parcel holder requests the reading of the citation be waived?
JACKSON: Waive it. Waive it. Just tell me what the hell is wrong with my greenhouse.
TAYLOR: It's built too close to the edge of your property.
JACKSON: It's miles away from the edge of my property.
TAYLOR: It's 9 1/2 feet from the edge of your property.
JACKSON: Exactly.
TAYLOR: According to town codes, no new structure can come within 10 feet of the edge of your property.
JACKSON: [scoffs] Oh, that's a technicality.
TAYLOR: No, that's the law. And as town selectman, it's up to me to see that you abide by it.
JACKSON: Unbelievable!
TAYLOR: There's a simple solution, if you want to hear it.
JACKSON: I do, yes.
TAYLOR: Just move it over six inches.
JACKSON: Oh, well, you should have just said that before.
TAYLOR: Perhaps I should have.
JACKSON: Just move the greenhouse over six inches?
TAYLOR: That's right
JACKSON: Good thing I built it on wheels so I could just scooch it over.
TAYLOR: Oh, it's on wheels?
JACKSON: No, it's not on wheels!
TAYLOR: Because wheels would have been handy.
JACKSON: I would have to tear it down to move it over six inches, Taylor!
TAYLOR: Hmmm. Too bad you didn't check with me before you built it. Could have saved you some heartache.
JACKSON: [sputtering] Up -- ah -- ah --
SOOKIE: Okay, that's not English, hon.
LORELAI: Come on, Taylor. This is ridiculous.
TAYLOR: This issue is not open for debate.
LORELAI: This is a nice man who is growing some very nice tomatoes, and you just need to oil your knees and go see the wizard and get a heart and drop this!
TAYLOR: What is this, Lorelai -- lingering resentment over the parking space issue?
LORELAI: Well come on, you rejected it because I left out my middle name. How many other Lorelai Gilmores do you know?
TAYLOR: Well, there's your daughter.
LORELAI: Okay. So you know two. Bet you can't name a third, unless you knew my grandma.
TAYLOR: I think it's about time to adjourn this meeting.
JACKSON: Oh, we're not done with this, Taylor!
TAYLOR: I think we are.
JACKSON: Don't bang that gavel!
TAYLOR: Your issue is not with me. I am merely the humble vessel for the municipal code.
JACKSON: Maybe it's time for a different vessel.
LORELAI: Where's he going with this?
SOOKIE: Not sure.
TAYLOR: A different vessel?
JACKSON: That's right. A different vessel. I'm running.
TAYLOR: For what?
JACKSON: For whatever it is you are. What are you again?
TAYLOR: Town Selectman.
JACKSON: I'm running for town selectman.
MISS PATTY: Nobody ever runs against Taylor.
GYPSY: He's our Papa Doc.
SOOKIE: Hon, shouldn't we maybe talk about this?
TAYLOR: Well, I accept the challenge. And I look forward to a lively race. Competition is the whetstone that sharpens the blade of democracy. Meeting adjourned.
LORELAI: Whatever you need, friend, I'm with you.
JACKSON: I need your vote.
LORLELAI: You got it.
[the crowd all stands and move to exit. Jackson hakes hands with a passing man.]
JACKSON: Jackson Belleville, running for selectman. I need your vote. [turns and shakes hands with Andrew] Jackson Belleville -- that's with four "L's".
ANDREW: I know. We went to high school together.
JACKSON: I still need your vote!
[they walk off as Lorelai and Sookie chat as they walk to the exit]
LORELAI: We're gonna need buttons and balloons and a slogan. How about something like -- I don't know -- "Taylor sucks like a tick"? [Sookie cringes] Don't worry. First blurb. We'll work it out.
CUT TO FORESTER RESIDENCE - EVENING
[Rory walks up to the door and rings the bell. Dean opens the door.]
RORY: Hey.
DEAN: Wow. You made good time.
RORY: No traffic.
DEAN: Come on in.
CUT TO INTERIOR OF DEAN'S PARENT'S HOME - ENTRYWAY
RORY: Your mom got a new plant.
DEAN: Yeah.
[view of living room reveals Dean's sister sitting on the sofa]
CLARA: Rory! [leaps to her feet and hugs Rory]
RORY: Oh, hi, Clara.
CLARA: I'm so glad you're back. I never liked Lindsay.
DEAN: Clara!
CLARA: I wouldn't say that to Lindsay.
DEAN: [shoos his sister] Go.
[Dean's mother enters from other room]
MAY: Dean! Was someone at the door? Rory!
RORY: Oh, hi, May. How you doing?
MAY: [forced politeness] Oh, fine. Can't complain.
RORY: Good.
MAY: [stiffly] Dean's father's in the basement. He says hello.
RORY: Oh, hello back. [uncomfortable pause] I like the...ficus.
MAY: Thank you. We're done with dinner. But if you're hungry, I could scrounge up something to zap.
RORY: I'm fine, thank you.
DEAN: We're gonna go upstairs.
MAY: All right.
RORY: Bye.
MAY: Bye.
CUT TO DEAN'S BEDROOM
[Rory and Dean enter]
RORY: It's your old room.
DEAN: In all its glory.
[Rory wanders around and sees old and new objects in his room]
RORY: [teasing] Taking up dressmaking?
DEAN: [teases back]Yeah, I am.
RORY: [plays with a toy car] Vroom.
DEAN: I thought they'd gotten rid of all that stuff by now.
[They come together in an embrace and prepare to kiss. Avril Lavigne blasts from other side of his wall. Dean pounds on the wall with his fist.]
CLARA: [OS] What?!
DEAN: It's too loud.
CLARA: No, it isn't.
DEAN: Turn it down or I'm gonna come over and do it myself.
[ Volume decreases ]
RORY: You should really get her some Ramones.
DEAN: Hey, um... I'm sorry about my mom. This whole thing's been kind of a surprise to my parents. I mean, Dad's hardly left the basement.
RORY: That's okay. It's gonna take time for everybody.
[Music volume increases and Dean, again, pounds on the wall]
CLARA: [OS] What?!
DEAN: Turn it back down! [Volume decreases. Dean chuckles.] The college student and the divorcée.
RORY: We'd make a good adult film.
[Dean caresses her hair and move closer to kiss then: Knock on door ]
MAY: [OS through closed door] Dean?
DEAN: [calls back] What, Mom?
MAY: [OS] Just wondering how late Rory's gonna be here.
DEAN: I - uh, don't know exactly.
MAY: Because I want to set the alarm before Dad and I go to bed. If the front door opens, it'll set it off.
DEAN: Uh, I'll turn it on when she leaves, Mom.
MAY: Okay. It's just that that will make the alarm panel in the bedroom chirp. That wakes us.
DEAN: Well, Clara's stereo is gonna keep you awake anyways, Mom.
CLARA: [OS] I turned it down.
MAY: Just as long as Rory doesn't stay too late, okay, Dean?
DEAN: Okay, Mom.
MAY: Okay. [after a pause, Dean's door opens a few inches and we hear footsteps fade away]
DEAN: [ Scoffs ] We could go to a movie.
RORY: I'd love that, but it's, like, 8:30 already. I have classes.
DEAN: Right. And you're not hungry?
RORY: Not really.
DEAN: Want to watch TV?
RORY: Sure.
[Rory settles on the floor, as Dean walks over to the TV and flips it on, closing his door before also settling on the floor opposite Rory. Indistinct voices on TV but no picture.]
DEAN: [ Sighs ] It takes a few minutes to warm up.
RORY: Oh, no problem.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - THE NEXT MORNING
[Sookie walks around the diner and shakes hands with the other customers, while she hands out buttons.]
SOOKIE: So good to meet you. And see you at the polls! [pauses at another table] Hey, aren't you two handy with a Kn*fe and fork. [ Squeals to the parents while handing out buttons] Cute kids. Yeah! There you go. Hi. Good morning. Go, Jackson. [she joins Lorelai at a decorated dining table. Lorelai is talking on her cell phone.]
LORELAI: Well, when it comes to noise pollution, Jackson Belleville hears you loud and clear. That's right. Thank you so much for your time, and we'll see you at the polls. [clicks off the phone] Okay, I think I can make it through the G's before my phone gives out.
SOOKIE: [holds up her phone] I got mine right here.
LORELAI: Great.
[Kirk enter Luke's Diner and approaches them. He is dressed in a suit and clipboard looking like a typical pollster]
KIRK: Ladies, I offer myself up to you and your cause.
LORELAI: What's this?
KIRK: I took it upon myself to poll the town, and I think you're gonna be pretty happy with the results.
SOOKIE: We are?
KIRK: Jackson is solidly in the lead.
LORELAI: Already? We just started bugging people.
KIRK: Well, I modeled my poll after the Gallup poll. The Gallup poll uses a sample of 1,005 voters to represent the 280 million people of the United States. Using that logic, the correct sampling size of the town of Stars Hollow would be 0.002. Rounding that up means one person needs to be polled, so I picked me.
LORELAI: You polled yourself?
KIRK: I was right there. Seemed like a perfect opportunity.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, first of all, thank you for dressing up to talk to yourself. And secondly, I think you're gonna need to poll more people to get a better sense of where we really are.
KIRK: Oh. Okay, I'll see what I can do.
LORELAI: Thanks, Kirk. [Kirk exit the diner] You did notice that the back of his pants are shorter than the front?
SOOKIE: How does that happen?
LORELAI: That's Kirk.
SOOKIE: It certainly is.
[Luke appears at their decorated table]
LUKE: [dryly] Hey, excuse me, but my customers aren't getting in the way of your thing here, are they?
LORELAI: [considers] Uh, no, they're fine.
LUKE: Good. 'Cause I can kick them out or close down for you, if you like.
LORELAI: [brightly] That's sweet, but we're good.
LUKE: So you'll tell me if my business is in your way?
LORELAI: You'll be the first to know. [Lane walks by carrying plates of food] Ooh, Lane. Great. Do you think your band could play at Jackson's rally next week? It's not a lot of cash, but it's a little something and it's primetime placement.
LANE: [grins] Absolutely.
[Luke shifts his feet impatiently]
LORELAI: Great. Jackson picked a song, so I'll get info that to you.
LANE: Cool. Thanks. [walks off]
LUKE: Okay, maybe you were missing my subtle sarcasm there when I mentioned my customers being in your way?
LORELAI: [continues to smile brightly] Oh, no. I didn't miss it at all.
LUKE: Get your w*r room outta here.
LORELAI: Hey, this is for a good cause. Taylor bugs you, too.
LUKE: Yes, he bugs me.
LORELAI: Okay then. We're trying to get rid of your little annoyance.
LUKE: By becoming my new little annoyance?
LORELAI: Oh, hey, the night of the rally, we're gonna need a sort of backstage gathering area.
LUKE: You cannot gather here.
[Lorelai glances out the window to the town square park]
LORELAI: But it's right across from the --
LUKE: [firmly] You cannot gather here.
LORELAI: See, the stage is right over -
LUKE: [very firmly] You cannot gather here.
LORELAI: Do you like my hair like this?
LUKE: [without skipping a b*at] Yes, and you cannot gather here.
LORELAI: Wow. Sleeping with you is getting me nothing. [forms a "zero" with her fingers for emphasis]
LUKE: Just gather your crap up, get it out. I need the tables. [walks off]
[Jackson quickly enters the diner]
JACKSON: Quick, give me the baby. [picks up Davey from the stroller and walks out grunting] Ooh. Oh ho ho.
LORELAI: Is he gonna sell it?
[They watch through the window and see people gather around Jackson "ooh-ing" over the cute baby.]
SOOKIE: Oh. That's it, Davey. Work it, work it. Do the clapping, do the clapping.
[As if on cue, Davey claps his baby hands together and the crowd "ahhs" impressed]
LORELAI: Hmm. Very "Manchurian Candidate" of you.
[Through the window, they watch Taylor exit his parlor ringing a bell]
TAYLOR: Free ice cream. Come and get your free ice cream, compliments of Taylor Doose of "Taylor's Old-Fashioned Soda Shoppe And Candy Store". [chuckles as people eagerly enter his shop] No need to rush, folks. There's plenty of free, fresh, handmade ice cream for every single registered voter in Stars Hollow.
SOOKIE: How dirty.
LORELAI: I know. All he needed were some lying swift boat captains to complete the ambush.
SOOKIE: Now we're gonna lose.
LORELAI: No, no, now -- he may have the edge, but we've got the heart.
SOOKIE: Who the hell cares about heart?
LORELAI: [determinedly] We do, and people will. We just have to stay focused and do this one vote at a time. [picks up her phone and dials]
SOOKIE: Who are you calling? Ben Affleck?
LORELAI: Oh, hello, my favorite daughter.
RORY: What do you need?
LORELAI: I need you to come home.
RORY: Now?
LORELAI: No, Tuesday.
RORY: What's on Tuesday?
LORELAI: Well, it's the town selectman elections, and we're desperate. Lane's band is playing, and I'll give you a button.
RORY: I'll be there.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: You know I'm a sucker for a good button.
LORELAI: Thanks, kid.
RORY: Tell Jackson I'm rooting for him.
LORELAI: I will. [hesitates] Um, so, how's school?
RORY: So far, so good.
LORELAI: And how's Paris?
RORY: Asher left her a 300-pound antique printing press, which she put in the common room.
LORELAI: So, same?
RORY: Exactly.
LORELAI: Great. Okay. And, um...how's Dean?
RORY: He's fine.
LORELAI: Okay, well, good.
RORY: Mom, I have to study. I'll see you Tuesday, okay?
LORELAI: Okay, see you Tuesday. [clicks off the phone] Okay, so Rory's coming back to vote. So counting her, you, me, Jackson, and Kirk, that's five.
SOOKIE: Why did you say "how's Dean?" like that?
LORELAI: Like that?
SOOKIE: [ Affected voice ] "How's Dean?"
LORELAI: I did say it like that, didn't I?
SOOKIE: Yep.
LORELAI: I don't know. I think I'm trying so hard to make Rory think I'm totally cool with the situation that I end up sounding totally freaked out by the situation.
SOOKIE: You're totally cool with the situation?
LORELAI: Well, I'm totally on my way to being totally cool with the situation.
[Dejected, Jackson enters the diner with Davey in his arms]
JACKSON: Here. Take him. He's politically useless to me.
SOOKIE: Ooh.
CUT TO DEAN'S FRONT DOOR PORCH STEPS - EVENING.
[Dean sits alone on the steps. Rory pulls up in her car and Dean eagerly gets in. They drive off.]
CUT TO A REMOTE AREA OF STARS HOLLOW WOODS
[Rory and Dean are parked. Fumbling in the darkness.]
RORY: Oow!
DEAN: Sorry.
RORY: Oh, that's okay.
DEAN: You sure?
RORY: Yeah. I'm good. Just, um... [they kiss passionately] wait.
DEAN: What?
RORY: My hair.
DEAN: [shifts] Okay. Is that --
RORY: yeah, yeah. That's good.
DEAN: [bumps his head in the cramped little car] Damn it.
RORY: Let's just shift here. [leans across him]
DEAN: What are you doing?
RORY: I'm just trying to get your seat back.
DEAN: Oh, I can do that.
RORY: Oh! See, good, okay. So I'll just get, like, up here, and then now --
DEAN: ow. Wait. Ow. Ow! [Rory returns to the drivers seat, defeated. Dean is breathing heavily.] This isn't working great.
RORY: Sorry. [ Chuckles and looks around uncomfortably]
DEAN: Yeah.
RORY: So... what do you want to do?
DEAN: I don't know.
RORY: We could try going to your house or --
DEAN: No, my parents are there.
RORY: Right. We could go to Luke's. He's dating my mom now, so I get seated right away.
DEAN: I don't want to go to Luke's.
RORY: Okay, then, I'm out. Your turn.
DEAN: Maybe you should just take me home.
RORY: Oh, okay. You know, Lane's band is playing at Jackson's rally, and I thought maybe I'd come back to town to see it. Maybe we could go together.
DEAN: No, I don't think so.
RORY: It would be fun. At the least, it could be very loud.
DEAN: No, Rory! I don't want to go parading our relationship all over town.
RORY: I didn't say -
DEAN: I don't need to rub Lindsay's nose in it any more than I already have, okay?
RORY: [stunned] I wasn't trying to rub Lindsay's nose in anything. I was just - [seeing his sullen look] I'll take you home. [starts car and drives off]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE - INTERIOR ENTRYWAY
[Rory enters the front door and walks to the living room]
RORY: Hello?
LORELAI: [OS] Rory?
RORY: Yep.
[Rory settles on the sofa as Lorelai enters from kitchen]
LORELAI: Hey. Did I know you were coming home?
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: That's a nice face.
[Lorelai joins her on the sofa]
RORY: I don't feel like driving all the way back to school tonight. I have to deal with James Joyce first thing in the morning. Is that okay?
LORELAI: The crashing or the dealing with James Joyce?
RORY: Crashing.
LORELAI: Absolutely. Crash away. Need a helmet?
RORY: Just a pillow.
LORELAI: So, just curious, what brings you to this neck of the woods this fine evening?
RORY: Dean had to give Lindsay the car tonight.
LORELAI: Ah.
RORY: So I came here to see him.
LORELAI: Well, you're a good girlfriend.
RORY: Well, it just made sense. I mean, I have a car.
LORELAI: [muttering under her breath] And classes first thing in the morning.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Huh?
RORY: What'd you say?
LORELAI: I said, "who wants Pop-Tarts?"
[she stands and exits]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW VOTING POLL OUTSIDE THE CURTAINED BOOTHS - EVENING
[Lorelai stands outside one of the curtained booths]
LORELAI: Oh, my God. Come on. How long is this taking you?
RORY: [exits the curtain] We do not harass the voters. This is not Florida.
SOOKIE: [emerges from the next booth] I just voted for my husband. [walks to nearby table] Gimme that sticker. When I married him, I never thought that someday he'd go into politics. Of course, his winning the line-dance championship was also a bit of a shocker, so what the hell do I know?
TAYLOR: [appears] Gee, I wonder who I just voted for. [ Chuckling ] Ah, this is a wonderful night.
[accepts a sticker] Thank you. Sookie, I just want to say good luck, and may the best man win.
SOOKIE: Yeah, you too, Taylor. [returns his "two thumbs up" as he exits] Ha ha. You know what -- this has been fun, even if we lose.
LORELAI: We're not gonna lose.
SOOKIE: Even if we do, I'm still glad we did it.
LORELAI: We're not going to lose. [to Rory] What's up with you? You taking off?
RORY: I'm gonna see Lane's band, then I'm gonna go.
SOOKIE: And I'm gonna make stew for Jackson. When he loses, he'll get stew. He likes stew.
LORELAI: He's not gonna lose.
SOOKIE: But if he does... then he'll get stew.
CUT TO BACKSTAGE AT JACKSON'S RALLY
[Lane, Gil, Zach and Brian listen to a tape playing "Believe it or Not" in a boom box and are stunned. Zach slaps the machine off.]
ZACH: This is the day the music died.
GIL: Seals & Crofts rock harder than this.
BRIAN: My mom likes this song.
LANE: It's the song Jackson picked. We have to play it.
ZACH: And then leave town immediately, because there's no way we can ever show our faces around here again.
BRIAN: We could wear masks. They wouldn't know it was us.
GIL: Dude, they wreak havoc with your hair.
LANE: And where would we get 'em?
BRIAN: My parents have a collection of wooden tiki masks they've picked up on trips. They're pretty cool. We'd have to peel the price tags off.
ZACH: I'm not wearing smelly wood on my face.
BRIAN: Well then, you come up with something.
ZACH: I say we walk because otherwise we're selling out.
GIL: We're already backstage. People will see us.
BRIAN: Not if we wear tiki masks.
ZACH: It's worth it to keep our street cred.
LANE: Look, Zach, it's for a good cause. And if, for one night, we have to give up our cool and not have girls jiggling up and down, wanting to come back to our place for sucker beer, then so be it.
ZACH: Whoa, Prohibition Sally. Part of the point of all this is appealing to chicks.
LANE: For you, not for us.
BRIAN: No, for me, too.
GIL: That's how I met my wife.
LANE: Well, then, not for me.
ZACH: Well, you're a chick.
LANE: Right, so I should know.
ZACH: I don't even know what you're talking about anymore.
GIL: We can't cancel the gig.
ZACH: Then what do we do?
GIL: We do what we do. We make rock 'n' roll. Hendrix rocked Woodstock with "The Star Spangled banner."
BRIAN: That's true.
GIL: No one saw it coming. It's a classic now. He turned it into an anthem.
LANE: It's "The Star Spangled Banner." It was kind of already an anthem.
GIL: Thanks to Hendrix.
ZACH: I'm confused.
BRIAN: So am I.
ZACH: Are we walking or what?
LANE: We're not walking.
[Lane and Gil "high five" their agreement]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - ALL DECORATED WITH POST RALLY FESTIVITIES
[Luke approaches Lorelai from across the counter]
LUKE: Okay, I gotta get out of here. I'm going upstairs. I put out the coffee, I locked the storeroom and the fridge. [He places his diner keys in her hand and gently squeezes] Do not let anyone break anything or steal anything. And lock up when you're done.
LORELAI: [giggles] You really don't want to wait for the results?
LUKE: [dryly] I'm just afraid I'll get too emotional.
LORELAI: Good night. [Luke exits]
[Lorelai stuffs his keys into her back pocket as she watches her daughter exit the diner]
SOOKIE: [OS to Jackson] You want some more coffee?
LORELAI: [to Rory] Bye, hon.
SOOKIE: [consoling tone] How you doing, honey?
JACKSON: Oh, I'm fine.
SOOKIE: He's nervous. I can tell. His neck goes away.
JACKSON: I'm not nervous. I'm fine.
[Kirk enter the diner.]
KIRK: Where are they? Where are they? Oh, there you are. You won't believe it. Big news. [gasping out of breath]
LORELAI: Kirk, sit down.
KIRK: Can't. These aren't my pants. [Puzzled, Sookie glances at his pants] I have the results of my latest poll. I talked to every single person in town, and unanimously, they're all voting for Jackson.
SOOKIE: What?
JACKSON: Are you sure?
KIRK: I am sure. I talked to everyone except Taylor -- but I assumed he was voting for himself -- and they all told me the same thing.
SOOKIE: We're going to win? I'm gonna be the first town selectman lady.
JACKSON: I can't believe it.
LORELAI: Kirk, you're sure about this? Every single person?
KIRK: Every person except Taylor -- and even that's not a lock, 'cause hatred for Taylor runs very deep.
SOOKIE: Ooh, the rally started. Come on. Ooh, I'm so excited! I don't have to make stew! [She urges Jackson out of the diner with her. Kirk salutes Jackson and follows.
LORELAI: [ Chuckling ] Right.
[Lorelai picks up her hat and notices through the wall window, Taylor sitting alone in the dark in his parlor. He raises a can of spray whipped cream to his mouth and takes a h*t. Lorelai is sad as she exits the diner - locking the door as she leaves.]
CUT TO BRIGHTLY LIT STAGE - CAMERA PANS DOWNWARD TO SEE GATHERING CROWD
[Rory mills through the crowd. Indistinct chatter - Instruments tuning. Rory approaches the stage. ]
RORY: Lane.
LANE: You're here!
RORY: Hey, I'm your groupie. But don't get any ideas. I'm saving experimentation for my junior year.
LANE: I love you.
RORY: If you need someone to stage-dive, give me a signal.
LANE: You got it.
[They part ways as Sookie walks onstage and speaks into the microphone]
SOOKIE: Hello, Stars Hollow! [the crowd all answers "Hello!"] Okay, so the man of the hour, Jackson Belleville -- [ Cheers and applause ] Oh. That's nice. Okay. Well, he's getting ready to come out here and talk to you, but before he does, I wanted to take the opportunity to say thanks -- wow. Again, wow. Okay, so thanks for all of the support and the nice thoughts. This is a great place to live, and I wouldn't want to live anyplace else the world! And now let's get this party started. I've got a real treat for you tonight. Right here, live onstage, playing one of Jackson's favorite songs of all time, put your hands together, and let's build the roof for Hep Alien!
[Camera shifts to the band. Zach counts off the b*at softly]
ZACH: One, two, three, four... [sings] look at what's happened to me I can't believe it myself
GIL: [sings] Suddenly I'm on top of the world and it shoulda been somebody else! [Music changes and becomes fast paced hard rock] Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. I never thought I would feel so free flyin' away on a wing and a prayer
ZACH: [sings] Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me! It's just like the light of a new day it h*t me from out of the blue.
GIL: [sings] Breakin' me out of the spell I was in, makin' all my wishes come true. believe it or not, I'm walking on air [Rory waves to Lane from the audience. Sookie watches the band from off stage as Lorelai joins her. Sookie appears a bit stunned.]
SOOKIE: It's different live, I guess.
LORELAI: I just saw Taylor in the soda shop.
SOOKIE: [still watching the band] Oh, yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah, I think he knows.
SOOKIE: Knows what?
LORELAI: Knows that he's gonna lose.
SOOKIE: Really?
LORELAI: He was sitting there all alone in the dark, downing spray whipped cream. He looked devastated.
SOOKIE: Yay!
LORELAI: I know -- "yay." But it's kind of sad, isn't it?
SOOKIE: Why? He deserves it.
LORELAI: I know, but no votes? None? That's humiliating. That's "Swept Away" kind of humiliating.
SOOKIE: [unconvincing] Yeah, you're right. Too bad.
LORELAI: You're stilling "yaying" in your head, aren't you?
SOOKIE: In 5.1 surround.
LORELAI: I'll be back in a minute.
[The band continues to play while Zach and Gil singing together. Two blonde groupies at the front of the crowd jiggle and giggle to the b*at as they ogle Zach.]
ZACH AND GIL: [singing] Believe it or not! Believe it or not! Believe it or not!
GIL: [breaks out in a solo playing "The Star Spangled Banner" then…] [sings] Believe it or not! I'm walkin' on air!
CUT TO THE POLLING PLACE'S FRONT STEPS.
[Lorelai stands nervously at the steps and stops a friend]
LORELAI: Oh, Andrew. Great. Hi.
ANDREW: Hi Lorelai. Looks like it's gonna be a landslide for Jackson. Every single person I know is voting for him. You must be really happy.
LORELAI: Oh, yes, I am. Could you, um, vote for Taylor?
ANDREW: [shocked] What?
LORELAI: Jackson's still gonna win. It's hard to explain. It involves spray cream. Just trust me. Great. Thanks. [Andrew walks off and a young woman walks by] Anna, hi!
ANNA: Hi, Lorelai. Big night, huh?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, real big. Could you vote for Taylor?
CUT TO RALLY STAGE - BAND STILL PLAYING
ZACH: [sings] Flyin' away on a wing and a prayer who could it be? Believe it or not it's just me!
[The band plays a finale slam. Zach flashes a smile to the blonde groupies, much to the chagrin of Lane. The groupies squeal their delight. After their last coordinated downbeat, they all come to the front stage to wave at the cheering crowd. Rory waves at Lane. Zach urges the two blondes to join him on stage.]
SOOKIE: Well, that was peppy. All right, ladies and gentlemen, what you've all been waiting for -- the man of the hour, the next town selectman of Stars Hollow, Jackson Belleville!
[The crowd cheers as Jackson walks on stage. He approaches Sookie and locks her in a passionate embracing kiss. She returns the kiss. Laughter erupts from the crowd as they break apart and face the stage grinning.]
JACKSON: Well, jeez. That was, uh... quite a welcome. Uh, thank you all for coming and supporting me in this... thing here. As I stand on this stage, looking at you all, I can't help but think... I have a job. I have a life. [Sookie glances at her husband while continuing to grin at the crowd] I don't have time to be selectman. [Sookie does a double take as her smile stales] I have a business. I have a kid. And Sookie and I are trying to have another one. [Sookie glances nervously at the quiet crowd] And the doctor has us on this schedule, and it's not flexible. And -- what was I thinking? What the hell am I doing here? I don't want to be selectman.
[After a long dramatic pause, a single voice rings out from the crowd]
MAN IN THE CROWD: [OS] An honest man!
ANOTHER MAN: [OS] Finally!
WOMAN IN CROWD: [OS] We're behind you all the way, Jackson!
ALL: [ Chanting ] Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson!
[Sookie raises Jackson's hand in victory and joins the chanting]
CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
[Zach is celebrating on sofa with the two giggly blondes clinging to either side of him. Brian hovers nearby on the sofa's arm. Lane is in the kitchen scowling as she pours snacks into a bowl.]
ZACH: Whoo! Whoo! [ Howls ] Oh, man, I am flying. I mean it, I am two, three feet in the air.
BRIAN: It was tight, it was tight. [glances at Zach] That's the right term to throw in at this point, right?
CHERRY: No one plays guitar like you, Zach.
MIRA: Totally.
ZACH: It was more than just the gifts, sweetheart. It was the material.
[Lane watches from the kitchen and sullenly takes a bite from a chip.]
BRIAN: We found our sound.
ZACH: Cheese works. This is a turning point. We have to go for it.
MIRA: You are gonna be so famous.
CHERRY: Will you remember us when you're huge?
ZACH: No.
[After a pause the blondes burst out with laughter ]
CHERRY: You're awful.
BRIAN: I'm awful, too.
[They all look over at Brian with no comment. After a long pause…]
ZACH: Okay, who needs refills?
CHERRY: I do.
MIRA: Me too.
BRIAN: I'm good. [ Slurping from his beer can ]
[Zach hops up and joins Lane in the kitchen]
ZACH: Grab us a couple beers, would you?
LANE: Okay.
ZACH: What are you doing in here? Come and join the party. [samples some chip dip from a bowl]
[Lane pull two cans from the refrigerator and braces herself before turning around]
LANE: I like you, Zach. I like you as more than a bandmate and more than a friend. I like you. I have liked you for some time now, and I don't think this feeling is going to go away. I just thought you should know. Here's your beer. [she hands him the two cans, takes a big breath and exits to her bedroom]
[Stunned, Zach walks to the sofa and dumps the cans into the girls hands]
ZACH: I gotta get some air.
[the girls watch him leave, puzzled]
BRIAN: I have Ken Burns' "Jazz" on DVD, if you're into that kind of thing.
CUT TO THE RALLY CROWD NEAR THE STAGE.
[Crowd still milling around as Rory looks on. Dean appears and approaches her.]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hey. I didn't know you were coming.
DEAN: I'm so sorry.
RORY: It's okay.
DEAN: This who situation's turning out to be a lot harder than I thought. Not you -- just Lindsay and moving back home and my parents. I'm not handling it as well as I should be.
RORY: It's a lot, Dean. You're doing fine.
DEAN: I didn't want to yell at you like that. I worked out the car thing. That's not gonna be an issue anymore. And I had a little talk with my mom, so I think things are gonna be better now.
RORY: Okay.
[Dean leans forward and kisses Rory warmly]
DEAN: I'm sorry.
RORY: It's good. Don't worry about it. [Dean smiles at her as she looks thoughtful] Dean, can I ask you something?
DEAN: Sure.
RORY: You won't get mad?
DEAN: No, I promise.
RORY: [hesitatingly] If Lindsay hadn't found that letter... would you... um, were you going... would you still have left her?
DEAN: Yeah. [looks at Rory puzzled before chuckling ] Yeah. Yeah, of course.
RORY: [lets out a breath of relief] Okay. Good. [ Chuckles ]
[Their attention turns to the nearby stage]
MISS PATTY: Everybody, may I have your attention? The results are in. Jackson, come on out here.
JACKSON: [OS] No.
[Sookie dives behind the curtain and pulls Jackson on stage to join Miss Patty.]
MISS PATTY: [reads a small card] Okay. The votes for town selectman are as follows -- 1,114 for Jackson Belleville. 10 for Taylor Doose. [applause from the crowd] Well, we have a new town selectman, ladies and gentlemen! [Jackson snatches the card from Miss Patty and stares at it in disbelief] Jackson, would you like to say a few words to your constituency?
JACKSON: No.
[Miss Patty snatches the card back as a voice from the crowd calls out]
TAYLOR: I would. [ Crowd murmuring as Taylor climbs on stage. After shaking hands with Jackson, he turns to speak into the microphone] Friends and townspeople... today in Stars Hollow, democracy has spoken. The will of the people has prevailed, and new leadership has been instated. Your vote has counted. Free elections are a wonderful thing, a thing to be admired and cherished. Here in America, we have something else that is to be admired and cherished. It's called a recall election. [ the crowd murmurs] I look forward to this other aspect of democracy, which I believe will happen any day now, when sanity and reason have been restored to Stars Hollow. So, in closing, friends, believe me when I tell you, you will have Taylor Doose to kick around again. Thank you, and God bless.
[He waves gaily to the silent crowd, looks around a moment before exiting]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - AFTER RALLY FESTIVITIES
[People mill around food and balloons chatting happily while "Happy Days Are Here Again" plays in the background . Jackson looks very unhappy as Miss Patty continues talking. Andrew hovers nearby.]
MISS PATTY: Jackson, now that we're done with the sidewalk issue, I would like to talk to you about the permit for expanding my dance studio to include a Tae-Bo room.
ANDREW: I have the pictures of the hedges right here. They're at least a foot above where they're supposed to be, and ruby won't cut them down.
KIRK: [walks up and pats Jackson on his shoulder] If you need someone in charge of homeland security, I am your man.
[They all begin talking at once]
MISS PATTY: I have this great idea...
ANDREW: The sun sets five minutes earlier for me 'cause her hedges are in the way.
[Lorelai watches the festivities as she grabs a bottle and two wine glasses and heads up the back stairs to Luke's apartment]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - UPSTAIRS.
[Lorelai approaches Luke's apartment door. No light shines from within, as she knocks. After a long pause, she bends closer to peer through the frosted glass. After another pause, the door opens. A groggy-looking Luke stands there in a t-shirt and sweat pants]
LUKE: Hey.
LORELAI: Grabbed us a little victory champagne, and I thought -- you were asleep.
LUKE: Oh, no, no. I was just, uh, doing some bills and things.
LORELAI: Doing bills?
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: In the dark?
LUKE: Trying to - conserve.
LORELAI: So, when you went up earlier, you were going to bed. [Luke smiles sleepily] You go to bed early, which makes sense, because you get up early. And, ugh -- now I got it.
LUKE: Hey, it's no big deal. Just come on in, we'll, uh...
LORELAI: [leans over and kisses him tenderly] No, I can hold on to this till later.
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah. Good night. [mutters to self] "Goes to bed early," I gotta remember that.
[Luke leans against the door frame shifting his weight]
LUKE: Only on some nights.
LORELAI: Hey, don't you also hate champagne? [holds up glasses]
LUKE: Kind of.
LORELAI: Yeah. [ Sighs ] I'm learning, I'm learning.
[She gives him another kiss before exiting, leaving him standing alone in his doorway. Sleepily, he turns and stumbles back inside.]
~~~ End ~~~ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x04 - Tippecanoe and Taylor Too"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Steven Clancy
transcript by Patti Jo with assistance by Canopus
OPEN IN DRAGONFLY INN
[Camera follows a member of the kitchen staff through the door into the kitchen. Sookie cuts and preps food while she and Lorelai discuss Inn issues.]
LORELAI: It's getting the word out to the business community that we're here -- that's the key.
SOOKIE: We've got to draw them in with the things that they like -- amenities.
[Lorelai pours coffee into her mug while Sookie prepares food portions]
LORELAI: What does a businessman want when they travel? Booze, and hookers. Anything else?
SOOKIE: [grins] I think that covers it.
LORELAI: We got booze. How do we get hookers?
SOOKIE: How about a banner up front that reads "Hoes up at the Dragonfly"?
LORELAI: Or we tell them Bill Maher's here.
SOOKIE: [ Gasps ] They'd come a-flocking.
LORELAI: Maybe we're in too silly a mood to be discussing such serious stuff.
SOOKIE: You think?
[Jackson enters with a laden crate of vegetables. The only thing out of place is the business suit he is wearing]
LORELAI: Oh hey Jackson, what would you do to lure more businessmen to the Dragonfly? Besides inviting Bill Maher.
JACKSON: What do I look like, the Shell Answer Man? Everybody's gotta have a piece of Jackson. Well, he's got nothing left, I tell you, nothing.
SOOKIE: [sympathetic] His town selectman duties are starting to wear on him.
LORELAI: That's why the fancy duds?
SOOKIE: He's got functions every day and meetings and hearings.
JACKSON: I tried to work in a nice su1c1de, but my schedule wouldn't allow it. [ Cellphone rings ] Ugh, That sound's death to me.
LORELAI: Don't answer it.
JACKSON: Could be a customer. Hello? [strained patience] Yes, Mrs. Cassini. I got the note about the playground equipment.
[Jackson leans against a nearby ledge while talking, and the jacket gapes to expose a bright red stain on his dress shirt.]
LORELAI: [points] Oh God, is that blood?
SOOKIE: It's tomato. It happens daily. Disrobe.
[Without hesitation, Sookie nimbly removes his tie while Jackson continues talking, then slides off his jacket and hands it to Lorelai. She efficiently begins unbuttoning his shirt.]
JACKSON: So you say your granddaughter fell off the ducky? Oh, she fell off the piggy and she whacked her arm on the ducky. Uh-huh. I see. Well, the first thing I would do is question the horsy, 'cause he's right next to the piggy and is our most reliable witness.[weak chuckle] No, there's nothing funny about that, Mrs. Cassini. Nothing whatsoever.
SOOKIE: Arms up, big boy.
[She slips the dress shirt off him, leaving him in an undershirt and begins spot-cleaning the stain at the sink. ]
JACKSON: No, a little girl being thrown from a pink, spring-loaded, bobbling piggy toy is very serious business. Yes, Mrs. Cassini. [walks off]
LORELAI: I don't think that's gonna come out.
SOOKIE: Poor guy. He's only got two dress shirts.
[She continues to rub and blot the stain.]
LORELAI: Well, maybe a big old bloodstain will help him. People will think there was an assassination attempt and be more sympathetic.
[Lorelai glances out through the kitchen door and see Dean standing in the hall. As their eyes meet, Lorelai attempts a weak wave, but Dean immediately pretends to be distracted in another direction and leaves. Lorelai is puzzled. Jackson walks up again still talking on the cell phone.]
JACKSON: I do. I hear what you're saying, Mrs. Cassini. Yes, Mrs. Cassini. I'll talk to my parks and recreation chairman and get this solved I promise. Goodbye, Mrs. Cassini.
SOOKIE: It's a goner.
JACKSON: I know how it feels. I gotta go. I got a Kiwanis luncheon.
SOOKIE: Have fun.
[she hands him back his shirt and returns to work. Jackson gathers his clothes and prepares to leave. Lorelai produces a rumpled, folded paper and offers to him.]
LORELAI: Jackson, before you go, I need your John Hancock on that there.
JACKSON: Oh yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah, just right at the bottom. I was just ordering a ton of extra, you know, vegetables and stuff. It's just to sign and confirm that I'm ordering that stuff.
[He unfolds the paper as she immediately takes interest out the window]
JACKSON: Hey, this is for those extra parking spaces you need. It's selectman business.
LORELAI: Really?
JACKSON: Et tu, former friend?
[He leaves as she calls after him]
LORELAI: I just need your signature. It's your duty. [reluctantly takes paper and pen back]
JACKSON: So impeach me.
[Sookie appears and snatches the paper from Lorelai.]
SOOKIE: I'll forge that for you.
LORELAI: Thanks.
CUT TO YALE'S BRANFORD COLLEGE CAMPUS CAFETERIA
[Richard and Rory takes their laden trays to a nearby table and sit.]
RICHARD: So Dickie high tails it to his office and e-mails me within seconds.
RORY: Dickie's the other you at your office, right?
RICHARD: Well, there's no other me.
RORY: You know what I meant, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Dickie and I share some duties. We lunch occasionally, socialize a bit. But he would cut my throat in a heartbeat, as I would his.
RORY: It's like Rikers Island, except everyone drives a Jag.
RICHARD: [chuckles] Well, Dickie made a mistake. He e-mailed me, thinking that I wouldn't read it for days, but I read it the minute he sent it. He figured my weekend starts at lunch on Fridays, as so many others do -- error followed by error.
RORY: That man needs to reread his Sun Tzu.
RICHARD: Anyway, that's why I am missing Friday Night dinner. Dickie and I are going to be in the Chicago office.
RORY: Well, send me a postcard.
RICHARD: I'm traveling much less, but I don't miss it. Thirty years ago, any chance I had to travel, I jumped at, but now... I'm talking a lot, aren't I?
RORY: No. I mean, yes. But it's good.
RICHARD: I don't want to be tiresome.
RORY: Grandpa, you could never tire me. This is fun.
RICHARD: Good. My valet isn't much of a conversationalist. He's the master of the monosyllable, although he can shine a shoe with the best of them. So, been reading anything good lately?
RORY: I'm very into P.G. Wodehouse right now.
RICHARD: Oh, that's great.
RORY: You?
RICHARD: Actually, I've had a personal triumph of late.
RORY: Oh, yeah? What?
RICHARD: I've just finished the sixth and final volume of "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire."
RORY: [stunned] That *is* a triumph.
RICHARD: I started it in 1968. So it took only -- what? -- 36 years to finish it. But by God, I finished it.
RORY: Wow. That's quite a commitment.
RICHARD: Well, I've had a little more time on my hands lately. Not as many evenings out as there once were.
RORY: [quietly] Right. Not as many.
RICHARD: You're still getting together with your grandmother tonight, aren't you?
RORY: Uh-huh.
RICHARD: Has she mentioned her car lately?
RORY: Her car?
RICHARD: It's due for its six-month service. I hope she isn't skipping those.
RORY: I don't know. I'm happy to ask.
RICHARD: Oh, no. That's too much trouble. I'll have Robert check with her maid.
RORY: Okay.
RICHARD: He may have to use upwards of six syllables for this one. I wish him luck.
RORY: Couldn't you just ask her yourself, Grandpa? I mean, you're right there.
RICHARD: No, I don't want to be an annoyance.
RORY: Okay. But, Grandpa --
RICHARD: Chicken's getting cold.
RORY: Right.
RICHARD: I saw the most preposterous thing on TV the other night. It's been ages since I've just flipped through the channels, and the horrors to be discovered there.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER.
[Luke wipes down a clear table. Lorelai enters.]
LUKE: Hey, what brings you here?
LORELAI: Caffeine withdrawal. And I like looking at you.
[Luke returns behind the counter to fetch coffee as Lorelai approaches.]
LUKE: To go?
LORELAI: To go. [pulls open her purse]
LUKE: Don't worry about it.
LORELAI: Luke, this is your business. I've always paid, and I always should pay.
LUKE: Fine, but don't tip me. Tipping now is weird.
LORELAI: Okay. Besides, [exaggerated wink] I can tip you later.
LUKE: That was weird, too.
LORELAI: I'm a very awkward winker.
LUKE: You're never supposed to tip me, anyway.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: I'm the proprietor. You're not supposed to tip the proprietor, even when they serve you.
[hands her the tall "to-go" cup of coffee]
LORELAI: You mean all those years, that extra 20% was unnecessary?
LUKE: [scoffs] You never tipped me 20%.
LORELAI: Ooh. Now it's getting ugly.
LUKE: You were a solid 15 percenter, sometimes less if the bill got higher. Way less if you were mad at me about something.
LORELAI: [grinning] Well, it doesn't matter. I wasn't supposed to be tipping you, anyway.
LUKE: True.
LORELAI: In fact, I want a rebate.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: [dryly] You've been ripping me off for ten years.
LUKE: Have your lawyer call my lawyer.
LORELAI: Thank you [picks up her steaming coffee]
LUKE: [without pause] We still on for tomorrow night?
LORELAI: Absolutely.
LUKE: Talk to you later.
LORELAI: Bye.
CUT TO EXTERIOR OF LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai exits and almost bumps into Dean as he walks by. He is carrying his Doose's produce apron]
DEAN: Oh hi, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hi, Dean. Um, good to bump into you.
DEAN: Yeah, same here. [hesitatingly looks around] Um, you on your way back to work?
LORELAI: Yeah. You?
DEAN: Yeah. I'm going to Doose's.
LORELAI: [conversationally] You were just at the inn.
DEAN: Yeah, Tom wanted me to sand some doors down. They were getting a little warped.
LORELAI: I saw you in the hallway there, but you looked kind of busy.
DEAN: [slightly embarrassed] Yeah, I-I saw you, too.
LORELAI: Oh. [Dean looks around uncomfortably] So, how's our girl?
DEAN: Rory?
LORELAI: Yeah.
DEAN: Uh, she's good. I saw her like three days ago, or a couple days ago. But yeah, she's good.
LORELAI: Good. Well, I talked to her this morning, so I win. [chuckles and smiles] Not that it's a contest.
DEAN: [grins back] Right.
LORELAI: Well, I guess I'll see you around. Next time you're at the inn, find me. We could have some coffee and chew the fat. Sounds like a disgusting combination, but anyway come by.
DEAN: I will. Sure. Absolutely.
LORELAI: Okay.
DEAN: So have a good day.
LORELAI: You too.
[They both awkwardly part company]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE HOME - ENTRYWAY
[ Doorbell rings ]
EMILY: I'll get it, Sara.
[Emily briskly approaches and opens the door.]
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
EMILY: Come in, come in.
LORELAI: I'm sorry I'm late. Traffic was bad. Some moron coming out of Stars Hollow decided to go the speed limit, which is -- ooh! [she stares into the foyer] What the hell is that?
[A large metal boxlike structure stands in the center of the room.]
EMILY: What does it look like? It's a panic room.
LORELAI: Like Jodie Foster?
EMILY: I have no idea.
LORELAI: But it's very small. It's more like an anxiety room.
EMILY: It's for one person.
LORELAI: Huh?
EMILY: You could maybe squeeze two in.
[Lorelai approaches the large object and begins fussing with it. Opening the door and looking inside]
LORELAI: And when those two are done panicking, the next couple of panickers get a turn?
EMILY: It's primarily for me.
LORELAI: Why the foyer?
EMILY: It was supposed to go upstairs, but the boors who delivered it claimed they weren't told about the stairs, so they didn't have the right equipment.
LORELAI: Hey, let's test it out. I'm gonna get you. [raises her hands like claws]
EMILY: [disgusted] Oh, my God.
LORELAI: You better get in there, 'cause I'm a bad guy. Baah!
EMILY: Stop it.
LORELAI: I'm menacing. Panic, damn it. Come on.
EMILY: There's nothing funny about this.
[ Doorbell rings ]
LORELAI: Oh! Get in, quick! Quick!
EMILY: Stop it.
[Emily walks to the door to open it. Rory kisses Emily's cheek and enters.]
RORY: Hi, Grandma. So -- hey, what's that?
[Lorelai stands next to the heavy structure like a car show model.]
LORELAI: I know how to protect you from shrapnel and Agent Orange. Ask me how.
EMILY: It's a panic room.
RORY: Like Jodie Foster?
EMILY: What does Jodie Foster have to do with this?
LORELAI: [teasing] You need one for your dorm.
EMILY: That's not a stupid thought. It'll stop a 9-millimeter shell.
LORELAI: Handy for when Suge Knight comes for tea.
RORY: Why is it here?
EMILY: It's a long story. Come, let's have drinks and forget about the panic room. What'll you have?
LORELAI: Gin martini.
RORY: A soda with lime.
EMILY: This little rinky-dink cart has nothing.
LORELAI: Dad got the big one?
EMILY: He stole it away in the dark of night, so I'm stranded. I had our minister over a couple of days ago, and he had to go without his whiskey sour.
LORELAI: I bet he excommunicated you on the spot.
EMILY: I've got vermouth, but no gin. [sarcastic] Perfect. [calls out loudly] Sara?
[Sara, the maid, descends the stairs and approaches hurriedly]
SARA: Yes, ma'am?
EMILY: I need gin. Check everywhere.
LORELAI: Including the bathtub.
EMILY: Start with the pantry.
SARA: Yes, ma'am.
[Sara exits as Emily joins Lorelai and Rory]
EMILY: You know, the main reason I got the panic room is because I'm a woman living alone.
LORELAI: Well, let the record show I did not bring up the panic room.
EMILY: Do you know I've never lived alone? I went from my parents' house to college to Richard.
RORY: But, Grandma, you're not alone alone. Grandpa is only a few feet away.
EMILY: He might as well be a million miles away. I don't even know if your grandfather would look up from his stamp collection if he heard me scream.
RORY: That's not true.
LORELAI: Unless his nose got stuck to the stamp in the book and he physically couldn't look up. [Rory looks reprovingly at Lorelai] It happens.
EMILY: He's gone so much, he's no protection, anyway. He just left on some business trip, and it's an afterthought that he even bothered to tell me about it at all.
RORY: But he told you, so that's not an afterthought. That's a thought - a very thoughtful thought.
EMILY: I'm sure it was in some way for his own convenience.
SARA: [returns empty-handed] There's no gin anywhere, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Oh, perfect.
SARA: I'll check the bathtub now.
EMILY: That was a joke, Sara. Lorelai, please don't joke with the maids. It's not what they do.
LORELAI: Sorry.
EMILY: [to Sara] Check Mr. Gilmore's study.
SARA: Yes, ma'am. [exits]
EMILY: I should just call Richard myself and drag him away from whatever business meal he is having and make him tell me.
RORY: It's okay. Mom doesn't need a martini. [to her mother] Right?
LORELAI: Yeah. Right. I'll take what you got. What's good enough for the minister is good enough for me.
EMILY: Your hands are empty.
SARA: [returns a little more tentatively] The door to the study is locked.
EMILY: He locked the study?
LORELAI: Mom, really, I don't need gin. I'll take whatever you have.
EMILY: I don't have anything. That's the problem. Come on. [she stands up]
RORY: Come on where?
EMILY: [pulls a set of keys from the nearby bureau a walks off.] I'm not going to let Richard's business trip keep you from having the drink you want.
RORY: Grandma, wait. [Lorelai and Rory follow Emily]
CUT TO POOL HOUSE - RICHARD'S PRIMARY RESIDENCE
[Emily enters the darkened room and flips on the nearby light switch]
RORY: Should we really be doing this?
EMILY: Oh, that he can live in this squalor.
LORELAI: It's another Calcutta. Is that open sewage?
EMILY: It certainly smells like a sewer in here.
RORY: It's his cigars. That's the smell.
EMILY: It's more than cigars. It's debauchery.
LORELAI: [dryly] Yeah. Dad mentioned he had the Barbi twins up here a couple nights ago. He and his butler have a little "auto focus" thing going on.
RORY: Well, the drink cart's over there, Grandma. We can grab the gin and vamoose.
LORELAI: [shtick] No, she's got vamoose, remember? It's the gin we need. - But you know -
EMILY: He must have five packs of breath mints here. Why would a man need five packs of breath mints?
LORELAI: It could be the gorgonzola and onion diet he's on. It has its drawbacks.
RORY: Grandma, I feel kind of weird snooping like this.
[Emily slides open desk drawers and snoops before wandering across the room]
EMILY: This is my property as much as his, and when we die, it'll be yours. We're all entitled here. He's got some new books. [browses though the bookcase]
LORELAI: Hey, my Petunia Pig plate and spoon. What's it doing here?
EMILY: Oh, odds and ends wound up out here over the years.
LORELAI: This is not an odd nor an end. It's my Petunia Pig and I'm taking it.
RORY: It's not yours to take.
LORELAI: [stubbornly] Dad's not using my Petunia Pig spoon.
EMILY: I say take it.
LORELAI: Hey, Mom, what are we carrying our booty home in? Do you have a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it?
RORY: Okay. Just to remind you once again, the drink cart is right over here. Oh, and I think I spot gin. It's brown, right?
LORELAI: I love that you think that. [spies Emily in Richard's closet] Looking for skeletons?
EMILY: I'm just looking.
RORY: Oh, man. I spilled a ton of scotch on my skirt. Who's not closing these bottles?
EMILY: Oh, my God.
LORELAI: Did you really find a skeleton?
RORY: Okay, Gin -- it's clear, it's in my hand, and it looks good enough for a minister. Let's go.
EMILY: Oh, my God. Will you look at this? [Shocked, she pulls out a vest dressed in colorful sequins]
RORY: Bright.
LORELAI: [dryly] And tasteful.
EMILY: It's a vest.
RORY: Grandpa has lots of vests.
EMILY: It's got glitter. It's a glitter vest.
LORELAI: So?
EMILY: So? Where would your father wear a vest like this? Certainly nowhere he ever would've taken me.
RORY: Grandma, it's just a vest.
LORELAI: Yeah Mom. There's tons of places he would wear that.
EMILY: Name one.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm at a loss.
EMILY: This is insane.
LORELAI: Mom, this is the place where unwanted things came to repose. Maybe it's a vest of his from the old days.
EMILY: Our days never included Richard dressing up like that gay fellow whose tiger tried to eat him. I have definitely, positively never seen this vest. This is a party vest.
LORELAI: Okay, just put it back, Mom, and let's go.
EMILY: [holds out the festive garment] You put it back.
RORY: You know, we've moved a lot of stuff around here tonight. We've got to cover our tracks.
LORELAI: Where did you find it?
EMILY: Squished in the middle, as if he was hiding it from me.
LORELAI: [mutters as she returns the vest to the closet] Can you blame him? It's hideous.
EMILY: How dare he have a vest like that.
RORY: Okay, the mints looked something like this, right?
EMILY: That devious man.
LORELAI: [pushing Emily across the room and out the door] Come on, Mom, let's go.
RORY: [sees the dish and spoon on sofa table -panics] Mom, Petunia Pig.
LORELAI: Grab it.
[Rory rushes back and snatches up the dish and spoon. She makes a small adjustment to the nearby vase before switching off the lights and following.]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER EXTERIOR - EVENING.
[ Camera POV looks inside the lighted interior. Lorelai and Rory are the only customers as busboy carries tub past. Luke is carrying food from behind counter. ]
RORY: I have never seen Grandma so singularly obsessed about a piece of clothing.
CUT TO INTERIOR OF LUKE'S DINER - LORELAI AND RORY'S TABLE
LORELAI: Not since I wore my "Gas, Grass, or Ass -- No one rides for free" t-shirt to the junior league spring tea.
LUKE: Here we go. Boysenberry pie with ice cream. Hot fudge sundae. Half a grapefruit.
RORY: I don't want a grapefruit.
LUKE: It's good for you.
RORY: Kinda my point.
LUKE: It's too late for her, but not for you. Eat it.
LORELAI: The service is very rude. No tip for you. [to Rory] In fact, he actually owes us a lot of money because we weren't supposed to be tipping him all these years.
RORY: I know. Customarily, you do not have to tip the proprietor of an establishment.
[Luke looks proudly at Rory and checks Lorelai's reaction.]
LORELAI: Why have we been tipping him all these years?
RORY: We like him?
LORELAI: Oh, that. [to Luke] Hey, bring us some coffee, and I promise this grapefruit will be eaten.
LUKE: [skeptical] Okay.
[Luke exits]
LORELAI: How long is my nose?
RORY: Very. [gobbles her ice cream]
LORELAI: What's with the scarfing?
RORY: Well, I figured since it's still early I'd stop by Dean's new place real quick and say hi. Is that okay?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. So he's out of the parents'?
RORY: Yeah. He's sleeping on his friend Kyle's couch. It's just temporary.
LORELAI: Great. You know, we could call him and have him meet us here if you want.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah. Plenty of pie, ice cream, grapefruit to go around. If we twist his arm, I bet Luke will throw in some raw spinach.
RORY: I don't think it's a good idea.
LORELAI: So skip the spinach.
RORY: You know what I mean.
LORELAI: No. What?
RORY: It's been a little weird between you two.
LORELAI: No, it hasn't.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I just ran into him today. Didn't he tell you?
RORY: Yeah. He said it was weird.
LORELAI: Well, then it was only weird on his side, 'cause it wasn't on mine.
RORY: Um-hm.
LORELAI: Hey, how about I come along with you to Kyle's? He's back from the Navy, right? We could all hang out and hear his stories. He could teach us some sea chanteys, and I could tell Dean how not weird the situation is. See? That's how unweird it is for me. I'd do that.
RORY: No. That'd be weird, too.
LORELAI: I don't like it this way.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: We all used to get together all the time for whatever and hang out. We had a great rhythm. I like Dean. I've always liked Dean. He has a great heart. I don't want it to be weird.
RORY: Neither do I. Dean doesn't either.
LORELAI: Well, then, what about tomorrow night? Let's all hook up then.
RORY: All who?
LORELAI: All of us. You know -- the g*ng -- the fearsome foursome. [Luke returns with two steaming coffee mugs.] How does that sound?
LUKE: How does what sound?
LORELAI: Doing something with Rory tomorrow night.
RORY: You don't have to.
LUKE: No, no really. That sounds great. We can all do something together. [nods enthusiastically to Rory]
LORELAI: Yeah. It's a great idea. There's a ground swell of support. Let's do it.
RORY: Okay, if you want.
LORELAI: Yeah, we want, right?
LUKE: Yeah. We want. [grins and nods supportively]
LORELAI: Good. [to Rory] Go run it past Dean.
LUKE: [his grin evaporates] Dean?
RORY: I'm sure I can persuade him.
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: Yeah, good. I'll see you tomorrow night. [kisses her mom's cheek]
LORELAI: Okay. See you tomorrow night.
[Luke scratches his head in bewilderment]
RORY: Bye, Luke.
[Rory exits. Luke slips into Rory's vacated chair.]
LUKE: [interrogates] Dean? Rory's seeing Dean?
LORELAI: Yeah, you knew that.
LUKE: No, I didn't.
LORELAI: Wha - Didn't I tell you?
LUKE: No. Since when?
LORELAI: Since she got back from Europe.
LUKE: I don't believe it.
LORELAI: Haven't you seen them walking around?
LUKE: No. Were you hiding it?
LORELAI: No. I just - I wasn't sure when they wanted people to know or how I should tell people without getting hammered with a bunch of questions.
LUKE: Was this before he left his wife or after? [realization] Did -- did he leave her for Rory?
LORELAI: Like those. Questions just like those.
LUKE: Sorry, it's just, you know, [futile look] Dean and Rory together again.
LORELAI: Well, you can back out if you want. I kind of Shanghaied you there.
LUKE: No. We can do it. I just have to wrap my mind around it. Dean. [gritting teeth]
LORELAI: [gestures to the grin on her face] Dean.
LUKE: Dean. All right. Well, I'll be right back. [exits back to kitchen]
LORELAI: hmm. [covertly nudges the grapefruit dish away]
CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
[Brian is showing Zach a new song he's written. They are working on it with their guitars. Lane looks on from behind her drum set.]
BRIAN: "G."
ZACH: "G."
BRIAN: For four beats, back to "C" major then jump to "A" minor.
ZACH: "C" minor to "A."
BRIAN: Major.
ZACH: "A" major.
BRIAN: "A" minor after "C" major, then it's back to "G."
ZACH: Yo, Kid Flash, slow down. I've got chops, but I'm not Les Paul.
LANE: Follow the chart, Zach. You wrote it all down.
ZACH: I can't look at the chart. It's depressing.
LANE: How can a chord chart be depressing?
ZACH: The title, "Brian's Song."
BRIAN: It's a working title.
ZACH: Well, it's bumming me out. It's reminding me of Billy Dee Williams and cancer. Change it.
BRIAN: I have to change a working title? Come on.
ZACH: Well, then leave it if you don't mind bumming every body out. Or change it to "Lepers Are Fun" or "Kiss My Scurvy."
[Lane walks to the paper and scratches something on it.]
LANE: Look. There. "Brian's Tune," okay? Good working title there.
BRIAN: Okay. From the "G," we go to --
ZACH: Let's take five. I gotta clear my head.
LANE: Okay. Five minutes.
[The boys set down their guitars. ]
BRIAN: I'm gonna go water the lawn. We're getting brown spots again.
ZACH: Don't over water. That's not good for it, either.
[Zach grabs a magazine and flops on the sofa, while Lane observes somewhat nervously.]
LANE: So, how you doing, Zach?
ZACH: Comme ci, comme ca.
LANE: Anything new?
ZACH: Went to the dentist. Said I'm brushing too vigorously.
LANE: [conversationally]Oh interesting. 'Cause when you're a kid, they tell you to really go at it, ya know?
ZACH: Another lie fed to our generation.
LANE: Yeah.
ZACH: And now I'm paying with eroding gums. Want to see 'em?
LANE: [grossed] I'm good. So, anything else on your mind?
ZACH: Not really. [long pause] Want a drink or anything?
[he stands and goes to the kitchen]
LANE: Nope. [sadly to herself] I want for nothing.
CUT TO KYLE'S APARTMENT
[ Doorbell rings. Kyle opens to door. ]
RORY: Hi, Kyle.
KYLE: Oh, hey, Rory. Come on in.
[Rory enters and removes her jacket. Sparsely furnished, a wall-sized poster of Bob Dylan dominates one wall. Rory is startled.]
RORY: Thanks.
KYLE: Welcome to Casa Kyle. It's not the Taj Mahal, but it's cozy. You like Dylan?
RORY: I think I better.
KYLE: [chuckles] Yeah. I listened to a lot of Dylan out at sea. He really spoke to me.
RORY: And you understood him?
KYLE: [ Laughs ] Funny.
RORY: So you look good. How you been doing?
KYLE: Great. Navy's been fantastic. Bitchin' rehab, so I'm up and running. I can drive, type 60 words a minute. You know what else?
RORY: No. What?
KYLE: This thing is a real chick magnet. [holds up his prosthetic right arm with a hook at the end] Yeah. It's the Captain Hook thing.
RORY: Well, good for you.
[Dean enters from other room]
DEAN: Hey. What are you doing here?
RORY: Bonus visit. [they kiss]
KYLE: Oh. I think I know what that means. I'm gonna make myself scarce.
RORY: No, Kyle. It's okay. We don't want to put you out.
KYLE: Don't worry, I gotta make some calls. Check my traps, if you know what I mean. Give a shout out to Cindy or Luene or maybe throw Stacy a little something.
DEAN: He's been throwing it around a lot lately.
KYLE: Everybody loves the Bionic Man. [ Cellphone rings ] That's not me. Mine plays "Superfreak."
RORY: Sorry. It's me.
KYLE: I'll leave you two to play. [he exits to the next room]
RORY: Hello?
CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT - HER BEDROOM
[scene switches between her room and Kyle's apartment. Lane is pacing around in frustration.]
LANE: Rory, listen, I like you, and I want to be more than just friends with you.
RORY: What!?
LANE: See? You reacted. That's what a person does after someone says that they like him or her, but in my case, it's him.
[Rory and Dean both move to the couch and sit]
RORY: Oh, we're talking Zach here.
LANE: The inscrutable Zach. He's driving me crazy. I gave him ample opportunity to address the issue, and all he talked about was his eroding gums.
RORY: Oh, sexy.
[Dean is attempting to nuzzle with Rory, who smiles and attempts to dodge him.]
LANE: He's really getting on my nerves, that guy. Where are you, school?
[Dean is persistent]
RORY: [giggles] No, I'm with Dean. He's staying with Kyle.
LANE: Oh, how's his hook?
RORY: Apparently it's a chick magnet.
LANE: Well, say hi to Dean.
RORY: [to Dean] Hi from Lane.
DEAN: [calls into the phone] Hi, Lane!
LANE: And call me back when you're less distracted.
RORY: I will. Keep me posted.
LANE: If there's anything to post. Bye.
RORY: Bye. [puts away phone] So, tomorrow night.
DEAN: Yeah. What time?
RORY: Well, I can get here pretty early, but I just wanted to talk about plans with you.
DEAN: Sure. What do you want to do?
RORY: How about we go on a double date with my mom and Luke?
DEAN: [looks doubtful] A double date?
RORY: Yeah.
DEAN: Won't that be awkward, weird, and about 50 other things like that?
RORY: Mom and I already talked about the weird issue in detail, and it won't be. It was Mom's idea.
DEAN: You're kidding.
RORY: No. You're forgetting, we used to hang out all the time. We had fun.
DEAN: That was a long time ago.
[Dean stands and takes a couple steps away. Rory joins him.]
RORY: Yeah, but we had fun.
DEAN: I remember.
RORY: Well, so does Mom. Come on.
DEAN: [resigned] Okay.
RORY: [stands and pulls on her jacket] Good. I'm off. [they kiss]
DEAN: I hate these short visits.
RORY: They're better than none, though.
DEAN: I guess.
[Kyle returns to the room]
KYLE: Don't leave on my account, 'cause I'm outta here. A couple of my girls took the bait. I'm thinking about doing a back-to-backer.
RORY: Well, I'm not leaving on your account. [to Dean] Tomorrow? [they kiss again]
DEAN: Tomorrow.
[Dean walks her out. "Superfreak" plays. Kyle sighs and reaches for his own cell phone ]
KYLE: No rest for Kyle. [into the phone] Yeah? Hey, cool. Yeah, what are you doing around 11:30, baby? [ Laughs ] All right.
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR sh*t
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE - INTERIOR - LIVINGROOM
[Lorelai, dressed in casual clothes and trendy glasses, reclines on the sofa chatting on the phone. Her brightly striped stockinged feet rest on the coffee table.]
LORELAI: So is meeting up at 6:30 cool?
RORY: Good with us. What'd you have in mind?
LORELAI: I'll surprise you with it, but it's a classic Stars Hollow slate of activities.
RORY: So we're gonna T.P. Taylor's house again?
LORELAI: Ugh. I wanted it to be a surprise. [call waiting beeps] Wait, hon. Hold on a sec.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Hello?
EMILY: Lorelai, are you alone?
LORELAI: Why?
EMILY: Because I'm going to give you the code to open the panic room from the outside and I don't want to do it if you're not alone.
LORELAI: Just hanging out here with my close friend Tex Watson.
EMILY: This is not a joking matter. Can I trust you with this information?
LORELAI: Maybe not. Maybe you should give it to someone else, someone closer.
EMILY: Well, I can't trust a neighbor.
LORELAI: How about Dad?
EMILY: Oh, your father wouldn't come to my rescue if I was on f*re. Besides, that vest of his is so loud he wouldn't be able to hear me screaming.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom. Give me the code, and I will keep the code safe. [Resigned, she rises and walks to the desk for pen and paper]
EMILY: Okay. Here goes. Are you ready?
LORELAI: Pen is poised.
EMILY: 1, 1, 1... 1, 1.
LORELAI: [drops the pad back on desk] Is that the code it came with?
EMILY: Well, I don't know how to change it. The men were supposed to show me, and now it's the code I'm stuck with. Did you write it down?
LORELAI: Barring an aneurysm, I think I'll remember it.
EMILY: Well, factor in an aneurysm and write it down. This is important.
LORELAI: Okay. I'm writing it down. 1, 1, 1, 1, 1. [pretends to write down]
EMILY: Don't say it out loud.
LORELAI: Our football team is so great. We won, won, won, won, won.
EMILY: Everything's a joke.
LORELAI: [dryly] No, Mom, seriously. The mailman overheard. I gotta get off the phone and chase him down and whack him.
EMILY: Hide that number.
LORELAI: I will. Goodbye.
EMILY: Goodbye.
LORELAI: [clicks call waiting] I'm back. That was mom giving me the secret panic room code.
RORY: She should just give it to Grandpa.
[Lorelai returns to the couch and flops back onto it, again, resting her socked feet on the coffee table.]
LORELAI: I suggested that, but she scoffed. Those two should just divorce and get it over with.
RORY: Don't say that.
LORELAI: I was just talking.
RORY: It's not funny.
LORELAI: But this standoff between them isn't good for anybody. Mom's getting more insane and sharing the insanity with me and everybody else.
RORY: Divorce is not the answer. I can tell you for a fact that Grandpa is miserable.
LORELAI: Really? He and Jeeves seem very happy in their new modern relationship.
RORY: Grandpa misses Grandma terribly.
LORELAI: Why? He say something like that?
RORY: I just know.
LORELAI: How?
RORY: Yesterday, when we had lunch on campus, Grandpa told me that he finished "Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire." Hmm? You see?
LORELAI: You want to de-Mensa the reference?
RORY: No one sits at home alone reading that book unless it's a class assignment. It just doesn't happen. It's a honking long book. It's clearly a cry for help.
LORELAI: You're very anti-intellectual.
RORY: He asked me if Grandma had taken her car in for its six-month service.
LORELAI: Hon, that's concern for her car, not for her.
RORY: No, that's concern about Grandma and her safety.
LORELAI: Why didn't you mention this to Mom at dinner? Maybe she would have been less panicked about what he's doing and the now-infamous glitter vest.
RORY: I don't want to open a can of worms.
LORELAI: How would that open up a can of worms?
RORY: If I told her what I said, I'd have to tell her I had lunch with him, a lunch I had previously not informed her of and that would have made her jealous and defensive. The less you tell Grandma, the better.
LORELAI: [She sits up with a mock gasp] By George, I think she's got it.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I have been trying to burn that into your brain since you were a baby, but you stubbornly resisted. Now a breakthrough. I'm so proud.
RORY: So 6:30, you said?
LORELAI: By the gazebo. Dress is cas.
RORY: I really, really, really hate what's going on with Grandma and Grandpa.
LORELAI: I know, hon, but it's up to them to fix it.
RORY: I guess. I'll see you tonight.
LORELAI: Okay. See you tonight. Bye-bye.
[She clicks phone off and tosses aside, then leans back to re-prop up her feet, pondering sadly]
CUT TO RICHARD'S RESIDENCE IN THE POOL HOUSE
[Richard relaxes while reading a book. Lorelai appears at the French doors and knocks. He stands to greet her.]
RICHARD: Lorelai? This is a surprise. Did we have an appointment?
LORELAI: Oh, no, I just stopped by to pick something up for Mom and apparently she's not home.
RICHARD: She's at a D.A.R. Meeting. She's always there mid-Saturday afternoons. You should know that.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. I guess I forgot. Maybe one day the entire D.A.R. will go collectively wiggy and meet on a late Saturday afternoon.
RICHARD: I doubt that. Can I get you something? Water, soda?
LORELAI: No, no, thanks. I'm fine. See you have your nose in your Proust.
[They both sit]
RICHARD: Yes, have you read him?
LORELAI: Oh, I tried once. Struck out. [looks pointedly at a small dish near his chair] Whoa. That's a lot of Certs.
RICHARD: You know how that is -- you pick one up, you forget you have it. You pick up another. The cycle continues.
LORELAI: [mutters to self] Kind of like me and men.
RICHARD: What?
LORELAI: I don't know. Mom wasn't here, so there was a vacuum. [weak chuckle]
[He leans over to gather up scattered news paper ]
RICHARD: Ah. I'm sorry about the mess. My man is with his sick mother, and I'm kind of left in the lurch here.
LORELAI: Ah, your Lurch left you in the lurch. Hey, is that where that's from? You know, Lurch on the "Addams Family"? 'Cause he would leave people in the lurch?
RICHARD: I'm not familiar with the etymology of Lurch.
LORELAI: So Lurch is away, you're back from your trip. Anything else new with you?
RICHARD: Not that I can think of.
LORELAI: How have you been spending your time lately? Anything new and fancy?
RICHARD: Not really. I joined a barbershop quartet.
LORELAI: Aha!
RICHARD: What do you mean, "aha"?
LORELAI: And what does the barbershop quartet entail?
RICHARD: It's a musical group. We dress up in outfits.
LORELAI: Aha!
RICHARD: [annoyed] Stop saying that.
LORELAI: What kind of outfits?
RICHARD: Well, old-timey period things.
LORELAI: Straw hats, vests?
RICHARD: That kind of thing. And don't say "aha" again. It's loud.
LORELAI: Dad, have you talked to Mom lately?
RICHARD: Your mother has nothing to say to me.
LORELAI: That's not true. I'm sure she'd be interested in what you're doing, like the quartet thing.
RICHARD: Why?
LORELAI: [gently] Why? You were together 40 years.
RICHARD: She couldn't care less about what I do.
LORELAI: Dad, you're still her husband. And if you're filling your nights with something, I'm sure she'd be curious what you're filling them with, as you would be with her.[she observes his pensive expression] Just think about it, okay?
RICHARD: I'll tell Robert to tell your mother you were here when he gets back.
LORELAI: Bye.
[She gathers her purse and leaves, pausing at the door to smile encouragingly. Richard contemplates their words. ]
CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN
[Lane, sans glasses, is rinsing her hands in sink. Zach enters with shaving cream on face. Brian soon follows with toothbrush in mouth. They are all performing their own morning routine.]
ZACH: When did the bathroom sink stop up?
LANE: It just happened. I called the landlord. He's on it.
ZACH: 'Cause we've got rights you know. This isn't Russia.
BRIAN: Can I scoot in here?
LANE: Sure.
ZACH: Don't brush too hard, dude. I'd show you my gums, but you'd puke.
BRIAN: What about flossing?
ZACH: You mean the silent k*ller? It's a rope of destruction.
BRIAN: Nothing's safe anymore.
[Brian exits to other room. Lane concentrates on finishing touches to her makeup looking in a small mirror. Zach, standing behind her, attempts to use the same mirror.]
ZACH: [calls after him while continuing to lather neck] Gentle little strokes. [to Lane] We still lack basic necessities, man. We've gotta get a plunger.
LANE: [distantly] Yeah.
ZACH: [casually] Wanna go today?
LANE: Huh?
ZACH: To get a plunger? I know a store that sells 'em used.
LANE: [turns to face him] Zach?
ZACH: Yeah?
LANE: I've changed my mind.
ZACH: [Deer in the headlights look] Huh?
LANE: I've changed my mind. I'm taking it back.
ZACH: Taking what back?
LANE: I have no feelings for you. I was confused before, that's all, but not anymore. We're roommates and bandmates, and that's it, and that's all it'll ever be. [She exits as Brian re-enters to rinse and spit toothpaste in the kitchen sink. Zach is confused and stares at his hands filled with shaving foam.]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW OUTSIDE - EVENING
[Arm in arm, Luke and Lorelai stroll through the grassy town square and pause. They both spy Rory and Dean approaching from a distance.]
LUKE: Is that them?
LORELAI: Yeah, that's Stretch and Skinny.
LUKE: [grumbles] Oh, man, he's wearing nice slacks.
LORELAI: I don't think so.
LUKE: They're creased.
LORELAI: That equals nice?
LUKE: I hate that. It's hard enough getting dressed for a date. When you're gonna double with people, it's like dressing for four.
LORELAI: Well, at least be thankful you're not wearing your penguin outfit. Then you really would have been out of place.
LUKE: This is so not a slacks evening.
LORELAI: Please stop saying slacks. That word is creepy.
LUKE: Sorry.
LORELAI: And don't mention the "S" word to them, okay? Dean is going to be uncomfortable enough as it is. [Luke nods without enthusiasm] We don't want him to think that we're judging him, or that you're inordinately interested in his pants.
[Rory and Dean walk up]
LORELAI: Hi, hi.
RORY: Hi. [mother and daughter hug and kiss affectionately]
[After a momentary awkwardness holding out hand to shake, she warmly hugs Dean.]
LORELAI: Dean. Hi. Hi.
DEAN: Oh, hi.
LORELAI: Wow, this is going to be fun.
DEAN: Yeah, absolutely.
[Luke holds out his hand in greeting.]
LUKE: How you doing, buddy?
DEAN: Yeah, good. How you doing?
[They shake hands in a manly greeting]
LORELAI: Too bad you weren't holding a trophy. That would have made a great picture.
RORY: So what's on the agenda?
LORELAI: We grab some takeout then h*t the "Black, White, and Read" movie theater.
DEAN: Cool.
RORY: I miss that place. It's been forever.
LORELAI: They're playing a great movie tonight. [nudges Luke with her elbow] "Cool Hand Luke."
LUKE: Not too shabby.
RORY: Let's go get the food.
DEAN: [glances over his shoulder] Well, good timing. No line at Jojo's.
LUKE: Let's just get the stuff at my place.
LORELAI: Why?
LUKE: Same kind of food, but better.
RORY: Yours is way better.
LORELAI: [grins] That's why we're going to Jojo's.
LUKE: [clueless look to Lorelai] What?
DEAN: Allow me.
LORELAI: Take it.
DEAN: We always do Jojo's on B.W.R. Nights.
LORELAI: That's short for "Black, White, and Read" movie theater. That's our little nickname.
LUKE: [grumbles] I'm following it.
DEAN: Because your stuff is good and has to be eaten pretty quickly. If it sits around, it starts to suck.
LUKE: That's true of all food.
DEAN: Ah, But not Jojo's. Jojo's sucks to begin with, so it's no worse when you eat it later.
RORY: It's a relativity thing. Einstein and whatnot.
LORELAI: The secret is Jojo's chili. [motions with her hands] The chili acts as a seal.
RORY: Jojo's burgers could travel to China, and they'd still be just as good.
DEAN: Because they start off bad.
LORELAI: Get it?
LUKE: [deadpan] Not really.
LORELAI: Good, then let's go. [grabs his arm as they all walk off] Plus, Jojo's is cheaper.
LUKE: 'Cause it sucks.
LORELAI: I'm just saying.
RORY: Jojo is going to be so excited to be making a sale.
CUT TO THE BLACK, WHITE AND READ BOOKSTORE - MOVIE THEATER.
[Lorelai, Rory, Luke and Dean enter and look around the vacant room]
LORELAI: Hello?
LUKE: Are they open?
RORY: The sign said they were.
LORELAI: Hello?
[Startled, Kirk hops up from his sleep on the sofa]
KIRK: I have a g*n!
LORELAI: Chill out, Kirk. We're here for the movie.
KIRK: You were supposed to pay out front.
LORELAI: You weren't out front.
LUKE: Here's $20.
KIRK: That's too much.
LUKE: Keep the change.
KIRK: You can get in 16 more people for that.
LUKE: Put it towards the popcorn.
RORY: [gleefully] Let's sit.
[The guys carry greasy paper bags as they move to front of the room where a large, bright red sofa rests]
LORELAI: Yes, yes. Ooh, let's take Big Red.
RORY: [enthusiastically] Yes, Big Red.
DEAN: That's the name for the couch.
LUKE: Yes, thanks. I kind of caught onto that.
[Luke and Dean fumble to the seat assignment]
DEAN: Oh, sorry.
LUKE: No, no, no you go.
DEAN: That's okay.
LUKE: No, that's fine. It's the same down here.
[Luke shifts to the opposite end of the sofa and sits. They all settle with the girls sitting in the middle.]
LORLEAI: Cool, we have a short feature to start. "The Katzenjammer kids try to sit on the couch."
RORY: Whoa, I love the emptiness.
LORELAI: Ah, means we can talk during the movie.
LUKE: Would people being here have stopped you?
LORELAI: We would have hesitated ever so slightly.
RORY: Food, food!
[Dean and Luke open their respective bags to dispense the food inside. Kirk walks formally to the front of the room and speaks as if to a large audience]
KIRK: Hello, everybody, and welcome to the "Black, White, and Read Theater". How are we all doing tonight?
LORELAI: Good, Kirk. How are you?
KIRK: Good, I'm Kirk. I'm very proud to announce that tonight's feature presentation is the classic "Cool Hand Luke." [ Rory and Lorelai cheer ] But I'm deeply sorry to report that the first reel of the movie inexplicably caught f*re earlier this evening.
RORY: Oh, no!
LORELAI: That's what happens when Richard Pryor is your projectionist.
KIRK: I can still show you the film, but you'd miss the first 25 minutes. I'd be happy to recap what you'd miss, or even act it out for you. I must say, I do a wicked George Kennedy.
[Lorelai shares her French fries with Luke.]
RORY: [politely inquires to the others] What do you think?
LUKE: [nabs another fry] First 25 minutes are pretty important.
DEAN: I agree.
LORELAI: But having Kirk reenact things can be pretty disturbing. He totally ruined "Last Tango in Paris" for me.
RORY: What are our options in place of "Cool Hand," Kirk?
KIRK: I can offer you anything from the theater's library of films.
LORELAI: What have you got?
KIRK: A series of graphically violent driver's education films or "The Adventures of Pippi Longstocking."
RORY: Pippi!
LORELAI: Yay! Pippi! "Annika, it's Pippi!"
KIRK: "Pippi Longstocking" it is. Enjoy your film. [he exits]
LORLEAI: How long has it been since we've seen "Pippi Longstocking?"
RORY: Too long.
LORELAI: That's gotta be one of our most watched films ever.
RORY: Oh, it's up there.
DEAN: I've seen it at least three times with you two.
LUKE: [absently munches on another French fry] Isn't it some kind of kids movie?
[Lorelai's head snaps to look at Luke]
LORELAI: Wait a minute. Have you never seen this movie?
LUKE: Never.
LORELAI: [gravely looks at Rory] We got us a "Pippi" virgin.
RORY: [solemnly] I didn't think there were any left.
LORELAI: [To Luke] And it's not a kids movie.
RORY: It's a classic of surrealism.
LORELAI: And bizarre cinematography.
RORY: And atonal singing.
LORLEAI: And forced acting.
[The room darkens and light from the screen reflects off their faces and the well beloved openening theme song from the movie begins. Lorleai and Rory sing along with the music.]
RORY and LORELAI: [sings] "Freckles on her nose, diddle diddle dee, a girl came riding, into town one day, diddle diddle dee, was quite a sight. It's Pippi Longstocking he ho ho ah he ha ha, it's Pippi Longstocking there's no one like her. Happy as can be, diddle diddle dippy, tells you stories you just wait and see, tra la la la la "
LUKE: What happened to her hair?
LORELAI: She's between stylists now. It's very awkward.
LUKE: Unbelievable.
[Luke then shifts his attention to Dean and Rory as they snuggle closer to each other.]
MOVIE VOICE: …A monkey and a horse, a suitcase full of golden coins and you amazed…
[Lorelai absently notices his distraction]
LORELAI: You okay?
LUKE: Yeah, yeah. Of course.
[As Lorelai's attention returns to the film, he continues to stare at Dean and Rory.]
CUT TO OUTSIDE BLACK, WHITE AND READ BOOKSTORE - STORE FRONT
[View of the storefront showing the hanging shingle proudly displaying the store's name]
CUT TO INSIDE THE "B, W AND R" THEATER ROOM
[The only four audience members are watching with intense interest.]
PIPPI: Of course I will. I'll behave just like a fine lady.
[Cuts to the movie POV - Pippy is holding a strangely spotted horse over her head using a cheap camera effect. The camera POV shifts back to the red sofa - panning from left to right.]
DEAN: Not a bad effect.
RORY: I don't think George Lucas is shaking in his boots, though.
LORELAI: I've always wanted to lift an immense quadruped over my head.
LUKE: Shh.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: I can't hear anything.
LORELAI: Oh. I'll speak up.
LUKE: Not you -- the movie.
[CHANGE TO MOVIE POV]
LITTLE TOMMY IN FILM: [holds up immense shoes with curling toes] Why do you wear such large shoes?
PIPPI: [soaks her bare feet in a large tub of water] I love wiggling my toes, and I need plenty of room.
[ Laughing as she jumps and splashes the water ]
CHILD'S VOICE: Hey, look at her.
[CHANGE TO SOFA POV]
LUKE: [curiously serious] I still don't understand why every merchant in town takes her gold coins as payment without questioning where she got them..
LORELAI: Her father's a cannibal king. Everyone knows they're lousy with gold.
LUKE: This was a book, right? I should get the book. [he glances down to see Dean snacking on the tub of popcorn] Hey, you want to pass the popcorn there, buddy?
DEAN: [sheepishly hands the tub over] Oh, yeah. Sorry.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, we're below quarter full with the tub. You guys wanna fetch a refill?
RORY: Sure. And drinks.
[Dean and Rory stand to go retrieve the snacks]
LUKE: Thanks, Rory.
[Dean and Rory stand before and obviously occupied Kirk. Dean clears his throat. ]
DEAN: Kirk? Kirk? Yo. [nudges a foot and interrupts Kirk and Lulu making out.]
RORY: Hey, Lulu.
LULU: [grins sheepishly] Hi, Rory. Hi, Dean.
DEAN: Hi. [rattles the near empty tub] We're needing more popcorn.
[Kirk hops to his feet]
KIRK: Coming up. [to Lulu] Hold that thought
LULU: I will.
KIRK: Boy, "Pippi"'s a great make-out movie. Much better than "Blood on the Highway" or "That's my Daughter's Head."
CUT TO BACK AT THE SOFA
[Lorelai and Luke absently watch the movie]
LORELAI: Hey, Cool Hand?
LUKE: Hmm?
LORELAI: Try to drop the 'tude.
LUKE: What 'tude?
LORELAI: You practically barked at Dean to pass the popcorn.
LUKE: I didn't bark at him. Besides, he was hogging it.
LORELAI: Mm-hmm. Say "popcorn" more nicely, please.
LUKE: I'll try.
LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: Does he have to be all over her like that?
LORELAI: Who? Kirk? It's healthy for him. His complexion has never been better.
LUKE: Dean.
LORELAI: All they were doing was holding hands.
LUKE: [dryly] Yeah. It was that innocent.
LORELAI: Unless he has a third hand, he wasn't holding anything he wasn't supposed to be holding.
LUKE: And the way he grabbed that drink from her and started slurping on it.
LORELAI: She gave it to him to drink. Come on, chill. For me. And for Rory. It's important.
LUKE: I said I will, and I will.
[Rory and Dean return with drinks and full tub of popcorn.]
LORELAI: Thanks, guys.
RORY: Mm-hmm.
[Dean hands the popcorn to Luke before sitting]
LUKE: [slightly exaggerated] Thank you, Dean.
DEAN: No problem.
[Dean continues snuggling with Rory as they all return to watching the movie. Luke's attention wanders and soon resumes watching Dean suspiciously.]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - INTERIOR - NIGHT
[Lane wipes down the front counter. Zach enters.]
LANE: Hi, Zach.
ZACH: I got something to say.
LANE: Okay.
ZACH: You've known me for two years. You've seen the good and the bad.
LANE: [enthusiastically] Oh, yeah! [noting his serious expression] I mean, yes.
ZACH: You probably know me better than most people, including my parents. Neither of them have seen me cry during "Dances With Wolves," and you have.
LANE: What's this about, Zach?
ZACH: You, of all people, know that it takes me a while to process things, okay? You saw how long it took me to get that chord change in "Brian's Tune."
LANE: It was a tricky chord change. It wasn't your fault.
ZACH: [exasperated] Whatever. It's just the way it is. Now, I may not be fast, but that's what we're dealing with here. And this issue with me and you is going to take longer than a chord change, okay?
LANE: Sure.
ZACH: I hope you weren't expecting an "Officer and a Gentleman" kind of thing when I came in just now.
LANE: I was not expecting that.
ZACH: Good. So we clear?
LANE: Yes.
ZACH: Good. [nods and glances around unsure]
LANE: You want something to eat?
ZACH: Yes.
LANE: Name it.
ZACH: Give me a minute, okay?
LANE: Sorry. Sure. Take a minute. [She smiles quietly as she watches Zach]
[Zach stares off considering his options]
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE - EVENING
[The foursome enter front door. Luke is discussing the movie]
LUKE: Did she own that house she lived in before she rode the horse into town, or did she buy it with her gold coins?
RORY: That's a good question.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I see a prequel in the works. "The Adventures of Pippi in Escrow."
DEAN: I'd go see it.
LORELAI: So, beverages. Shout 'em out.
RORY: Water.
LUKE: Beer.
DEAN: Yeah, beer sounds good.
LUKE: [ Chuckles ] Oh, you're serious. You want a beer?
DEAN: Yeah.
LUKE: Yeah, okay. Bring him a beer. He's not driving... [under his breath] or 21.
DEAN: Fine. I won't have a beer.
LUKE: [dryly] No, buddy, go ahead. Have a beer if you want one. You're tall. You've got slacks. You can have one.
DEAN: I don't want one anymore.
LORELAI: Can I substitute something for you?
DEAN: Water, I guess.
LUKE: Put some barley and hops in it, buddy. No one's judging here.
DEAN: [firmly] Water.
RORY: We have good water here, right Mom?
LORELAI: [rapid-f*re speech] Oh, yeah -- and I'll bring out a couple of extra beers, and those of us who want them can grab them as need be. Just keep an eye on Rory, or she'll grab them all for herself.
RORY: [replies with equally fast chatter] I'll try to refrain. Need help?
LORELAI: [says quickly before exiting to kitchen] No, you stay, entertain. I'll be right back.
[uncomfortable silence. The guys are looking anywhere but at each other.]
RORY: Hey, remember when you guys were on a softball team together?
[another silent pause, before Dean walks to the couch and sits. Luke examines the nearby desk.]
DEAN: It was just a pickup game.
RORY: But you guys played a neighboring town, right? I forget which one. Um... but I do remember that you guys did Stars Hollow proud. In fact, I think it's probably the best team Stars Hollow has ever thrown. Or however you would word that phrase I attempted in the proper softball vernacular.
[She removes her jacket and joins Dean on the sofa.]
LUKE: Yeah, well, I haven't played in awhile.
DEAN: [quietly] Same here.
[another long pause, before Rory attempts to break the silence by humming]
RORY: Dum de dum dum dum.
[Lorelai enters with a tray of drinks, water glasses and beer bottles. Luke takes one]
LORELAI: What's that? A song?
RORY: No, it's just dum de dum dum.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, here are the beverages. [sets tray on coffee table]
DEAN: Thanks.
LUKE: Thanks. [takes a sip]
LORELAI: [glances around the tense room.] I'll be right back.
RORY: [frantically follows] Where are you going?
[Lorelai walks to the hall closet]
LORELAI: It's time to bring out the Bop It.
RORY: [ Gasps ] Bop It! Yes, yes! Good idea.
[They return to the living room]
LORELAI: Hey, look what I found. Bop It! Who wants to play?
RORY: [exaggerated excitement] I want to play!
LORELAI: Let's all play. You guys know how to play?
DEAN: [somewhat unenthusiastically] I've played it here before.
RORY: Yeah, he has.
LORELAI: Yeah, I remember. Hey, Cool Hand.
LUKE: What is it?
LORELAI: Oh, well... each guy holds one of the handles. [Rory and Lorelai both grip a handle] And you start up, and then you do whatever it says. You twist it or pull it or Bop It until one of you's out. [Luke watches them unimpressed] Watch. I'll be yellow. You be green.
[Lorelai and Rory demonstrate the game and begin by tapping the game gripped between them.]
GAME VOICE: Twist it. [Lorelai quickly twists yellow knob]. Pull it. [Lorelai pulls another knob] Bop it. [Lorelai reacts before Rory can move.]. Yellow. [switches to Rory's turn ]. Flick it. [Rory hesitates… ]. Ow! [Lorelai grins as Rory is defeated]
LORELAI: Okay, you try it. [to Luke and Dean, neither look impressed.]
RORY: Come on. [encouragingly to Dean]
LORELAI: It looks like Luke is green, and Dean is yellow.
[Lorelai position the two guys and hand them the game before returning to the sofa. Both girls sit.]
RORY: We've got ourselves a contest here.
LORELAI: Yep. [The two men stand facing each other without reacting]
DEAN: You wanna do a practice run?
LUKE: It's not that complicated.
DEAN: Okay. Here we go. [he activates the game]
GAME VOICE: Twist it. [Dean twists the yellow knob ] Spin it. [ Luke spins another knob]. Pull it. [Dean hurriedly pulls another knob]. Pull it. [Dean quickly reacts as they both struggle with the plastic game]. Flick it. [Luke reacts quickly. They both struggle harder as they grip the game.].
LORELAI: Don't hurt the Bop It, guys. It's got feelings too.
GAME VOICE: Pull it. [Luke quickly reacts]. Bop it. [Luke reacts again roughly].
RORY: Looks like it's a draw.
LORELAI: Good going, guys. Why don't you take a break? [but they continue playing determinedly.]
GAME VOICE: Green. Twist it. Twist it. Twist it. Bop it. [Dean misses a turn] Ow! Green wins!
LUKE: [taunting as he waves the plastic toy] Yeah! In your face! In your face!
DEAN: Fine. You won.
LUKE: [gloating] I hammered you, buddy.
DEAN: It's just a stupid game.
LUKE: Says the loser. [He walks off. The girls both look very unhappy.]
DEAN: [shrugs to the girls] I gotta go.
RORY: Already? [she stands to follow him to the door]
DEAN: Yeah, it's getting late. Thank you, Lorelai. Thanks for everything.
LORELAI: [warmly] You're welcome, Dean. Anytime.
[near the front door:]
DEAN: [quietly] I'll call you later.
RORY: Okay. [they kiss] Yeah, call me.
[Dean exits and Rory turns around with a determined look]
RORY: Thanks a lot.
LUKE: What did I do?
LORELAI: Rory...
RORY: We shouldn't have gone out like this if people didn't want to.
LUKE: No, Rory, I wanted to.
RORY: You made no effort.
LUKE: I did. I swear.
LORELAI: Look, we can talk about this later.
LUKE: He had some sort of chip on his shoulder.
RORY: Oh, come on, Luke. You're the reason we had to pull out the Bop It.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Bop It's what we bring out for social gatherings that need mouth to mouth.
RORY: I'm going back to school. [grabs her jacket and pull it on]
LUKE: Rory, wait. I feel awful here.
RORY: No, it's okay. Whatever. Bye, Mom. [gives her a quick kiss]
LORELAI: Bye, honey. Drive safely.
LUKE: [helplessly watches her leave] Yeah, drive safe. [ Sighs ] I feel awful.
[He sits on the sofa stewing]
LORELAI: Well, it's -- you know, it's my fault. I forced this.
LUKE: It's not your fault. I shouldn't have said yes to a double date.
LORELAI: Well, I wanted to do this.
LUKE: But I can't be around that guy. I knew that, and I said yes anyway.
LORELAI: Why can't you be around him?
[He jumps up and starts pacing]
LUKE: Because he's not good for her.
LORELAI: Luke...
LUKE: [adamantly] He's not. He's not right for her.
LORELAI: You're mad at Dean from years past. What's past is past. They're a couple now. Do you even remember why you're mad at him?
LUKE: He's a punk. That's what I remember. Just look at his history. He broke her heart before.
LORELAI: Their problems were mutual. You don't know the whole story.
LUKE: [emphatically] He got married and bailed out before the honeymoon was even over.
LORELAI: When you're young, you make mistakes.
LUKE: He was pining for Rory, and he got married. That's unstable.
LORELAI: He's 19. Give him a break.
LUKE: He doesn't know what he wants. He's proven that. How can Rory trust him now?
LORELAI: Matters of the heart are not science. There are no sure things.
LUKE: [stubbornly] He's not good enough for her.
LORELAI: Well, who is? Jess?
LUKE: No, not Jess. A prince, maybe. One that's in line to be king. Not one of those waiting-for-a-brother-to-die ones, but a real one. If not a prince, someone who's gonna be good for her. You know, Rory is like Pippi.
LORELAI: Pippi?
LUKE: She can have adventures and be free, she's smart. The whole world's waiting for her.
LORELAI: [disbelief] You're comparing Rory to Pippi Longstocking?
LUKE: [counting attributes on his fingers] Pippi is strong and independent. She can lift a horse above her head. Uh-huh. And b*at up bullies and build a hot-air balloon. She's unique, like Rory. But I guarantee you, if Pippi had met Dean, [Lorelai sighs] there would be no horse, no balloons. He'd drag her down to his level, spend all her gold coins, and poof, like that, all her dreams would be gone.
LORELAI: It's Rory's choice who she chooses to be with. Not yours, not mine.
LUKE: Does it feel right to you? Are you okay with this Rory-and-Dean thing?
LORELAI: [quietly] I just need this to work.
LUKE: Look at me. Not stopping till he's upset every person that means anything in the world to him in one night. [he pulls her into a long tight hug. After a long pause…] You want a beer?
[She answers without hesitation]
LORELAI: Yes. [ She sighs as they both sit on the sofa ] Maybe if I brought out the Twister.
LUKE: Maybe.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE HOME - SAME EVENING
[Emily is sitting at a small desk writing letters. Sound of the front door closing. ]
EMILY: Who is it?
[Richard enters]
RICHARD: I hope this isn't a bad time.
EMILY: No, I was just catching up on some correspondence.
RICHARD: I just wanted to let you know that our property tax bill is wrong this year. I'm contesting it. In case they call here, I wanted to let you know.
EMILY: Fine. Thank you.
RICHARD: You're welcome. [He takes a step as if to leave. After a pause Emily returns to her letters] Oh, and I've joined a barbershop quartet.
EMILY: Oh.
RICHARD: Yeah, we do it up right. Dress in period costumes. These silly vests and things. We've performed a couple of times at charity events.
EMILY: [small private smile] All right.
RICHARD: It's part of a barbershop chorus. That's a group of about 30.
EMILY: [smiles] Very good.
RICHARD: I guess I'll be going. [He turns to leave and spies the large metal structure in the foyer.]
EMILY: I bought a panic room.
RICHARD: [showing no reaction as he looks back] Very good. [He leaves]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW STREET - SAME EVENING
[Rory, drives her Toyota Prius through the street and spots Dean walking home. She slows to a stop and he approaches her open window]
RORY: Hey.
DEAN: Hi. [grins with good humor] Well, I guess that was a bust, huh?
RORY: Sorry. Maybe it was too soon.
DEAN: Well, your mom was real nice.
RORY: She was great.
DEAN: Thank her for me, okay?
RORY: I will. It was fun for a while there, though, wasn't it? [smiling while remembering]
DEAN: [grins comfortably] Yeah. The movie was. It was real fun.
RORY: [slightly wistful] Like the old days.
DEAN: Like the old days. [after a pause] I'd invite you over, but Kyle's entertaining some buddies.
RORY: I should go anyway. Want a ride?
DEAN: I'm almost there.
RORY: Okay. Kiss. [he leans in and they kiss sweetly] Bye.
DEAN: Bye.
[she watches him walk off, before putting car in gear and driving slowly off, deep in thought]
~~~ End ~~~ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x05 - We Got Us a Pippi Virgin"} | foreverdreaming |
written by James Berg & Stan Zimmerman
directed by Matthew Diamond
transcript by Kristina Smith
[Interior Lorelai's house: front door]
(Knock, knock)
(Lorelai answers.)
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hey, you back. (They kiss.) Ready?
LORELAI: Almost.
LUKE: Almost?
LORELAI: I just have to find my keys, and finish the laundry…
LUKE: That doesn't sound like almost, that sounds like we're gonna have to speed to the movies, park illegally, you h*t the bathroom while I grab the popcorn, we'll meet back at the seats all sweaty and aggravated –
LORELAI: Well of course I'll be aggravated, you forgot the Red Vines. No, no keys here. (Searching)
LUKE: You know the lights are on in your Jeep?
LORELAI: Oh yeah, the porch light's out and it was dark so I left the Jeep on for the light. Could you lift, please?
Luke (lifting couch while Lorelai looks under it): But the battery's going to die.
LORELAI: Oh, no, I timed it. It takes 12 hours for the battery to wear out. I go to work at eight o'clock, giving me two hours to spare and a whole day to recharge. Not here either. Down, please.
(Luke sets the couch down.)
LUKE: Why don't you just change the porch light?
LORELAI: Have you seen how dirty it is up there? With those creepy moths that fly in your face, and you could swallow one, and end up with some weird hand-to-mouth-to-moth disease –
LUKE: There's no such thing.
LORELAI: Oh, no? Did you see Mothman Prophecies?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: Oh, well, okay then. Did you see the sequel?
LUKE: There's a sequel?
LORELAI: Yes. It is a heartbreaking saga in which Richard Gere gets a life thr*at disease from changing a dirty porch light.
LUKE: There was no sequel.
LORELAI: Well, it's still really gross up there.
LUKE: How long has it been out?
LORELAI: Uh, since Rory broke up with Dean, the first time.
LUKE: Not the sequel.
LORELAI: Yes, he was the last one to change it. Jess never changed the porch light, by the way. Okay, this room is definitely keyless. Kitchen!
(Lorelai walks into kitchen and opens oven.)
LUKE: You left your keys in the stove?
LORELAI: No, my socks.
LUKE: Your socks, of course. How naïve of me.
LORELAI: It makes them warm and slightly toasty. (She puts them on.) Huh, that's weird.
LUKE: What's weird? There's so much to choose from.
LORELAI: They're still damp. I followed the recipe. Bake at two-fifty, ten minutes on one side, ten on the other, they should be done by now. Think my oven's broken?
LUKE: What about your dryer?
LORELAI: No, dryer's fine.
LUKE: I think we should get to the movies.
LORELAI: All done, let's go.
LUKE: Keys!
LORELAI: Ah, forget about them. I'll just leave the door unlocked.
LUKE: You can't leave the door unlocked. That's not safe.
LORELAI: Sure it is.
LUKE: Just because you say it's safe doesn't make it safe.
LORELAI: If you build it, they will come.
LUKE: Have you checked out the… Your keys are in the door!
LORELAI: Huh, they are? That's right, I had to go in the back way because the porch light was out!
LUKE: They're stuck.
LORELAI: Yeah, that happens. (She hangs a towel over the doorknob.) There. You ready?
LUKE: I can never pick you up here again.
[Opening credits.]
[Yale newspaper office]
PARIS: I had a dream about you last night.
RORY: If this gets dirty, feel free to keep it to yourself.
PARIS: I dreamed that in spite of the fact that you knew I wanted to be assigned the religion b*at, you went behind my back to Doyle, cooked him dinner and stole it from me.
RORY: It's just a dream, Paris.
PARIS: You made veal parmigiana, and it felt very real.
RORY: I don't make veal parmigiana. I don't make anything, and I don't want the religion b*at. I want features, you know that.
PARIS: You say you want features –
RORY: And I mean it.
PARIS: Dreams tell you things. It's our subconscious talking to us. Warning us, telling us about things that are happening.
RORY: Paris –
PARIS: My dream was telling me that you are s*ab me in the back with your veal parmigiana.
RORY: Well I must have really overcooked it then.
PARIS: Let me smell your hands.
RORY: Oh, go away!
PARIS: You used a lot of garlic.
RORY: Bye.
PARIS: Rory, listen to me. We're close, like, friends, and I would hate for something as trivial as competition for the religion b*at to come between us.
RORY: Oh, my God, I don't want the religion b*at!
PARIS: We could end up like the Van Burens.
RORY: As in Mr. and Mrs. President?
PARIS: As in Abby and Ann.
RORY: Right.
PARIS: Sisters in blood, but bitter rivals. They don't even speak anymore.
RORY: That's ‘cause one of them is d*ad.
PARIS: You don't want the religion b*at?
RORY: Oh! I'm sorry, you meant the religion b*at – No! I don't!
(A blonde girl walks by.)
PARIS: Tenora Thomas was in my dream too, she was pouring the wine – Yo! Tenora! Where's the f*re? (She chases after her.)
DOYLE: Hey Rory, did you see this?
RORY: See what?
GLENN: It's no big deal.
DOYLE: Glenn here got himself published in the New York Times.
RORY: You're kidding!
GLENN: It's no big deal.
DOYLE: It's no big deal, he says.
RORY: Oh, but this is the article you wrote about the reprinting of The Anarchist's Cookbook.
GLENN: It's no big deal!
RORY: This was in our last issue.
DOYLE: The Times picked it up. They do that every now and then, they pick up something and they publish it, and that's what they did with our boy Glenn here.
GLENN: Please don't pat my back again.
RORY: Well, congratulations, Glenn.
GLENN: Don't say it loud, people are looking.
RORY: You should be proud!
GLENN: Why, it's not even my best piece.
RORY: It's still pretty amazing.
DOYLE: It is amazing. It's absolutely amazing that I spent all summer in Indiana working my ass off for the Muncie Messenger, and you went from Star Trek Convention to Boba Fett Fan Club Symposium, and yet, lookie here. The New York Times. Isn't that great, Rory? Aren't you seeing how great it is?
GLENN: Look! Get off my bus, okay? I don't know why they picked it, I didn't ask them to pick it, I don't even read the New York Times!
DOYLE: You don't read the New –
RORY: Well Glenn, it's great, and we're all just really happy for you. (She runs back to her desk.)
GLENN: Whatever. (His cell phone rings, Glenn sighs.) Oh man, it's R.W. Apple again. God, does he have anyone else to talk to? (Answers phone while exiting) What?
DOYLE: It's like Being There. And he's Chauncey Gardiner.
RORY: Hey, Doyle, you have to look at it this way. You edited that piece, and if it hadn't been edited well, the Times never would have picked it.
DOYLE: Oh. That's a great way to look at it. Thank you! You know, it's because of me that he's going to be Bob Woodward. I made it happen. So, some day when I'm running the circulation desk at the Muncie Messenger and Glenn is accepting his Pulitzer Prize, I can point up at the screen at the local bar where I regularly stop on my way home to get drop d*ad drunk, and say, "I helped him get there." Then I can fall off my stool and throw up. Thank you so much for that, Gilmore. I never would've thought to look at it that way if it hadn't have been for you!
(Doyle storms off; Rory sighs and pick up Glenn's copy of the New York Times.)
[Rory's dorm room]
(Rory flops onto her bed, sighs and looks again at the article in the New York Times. Her cell phone rings.)
RORY: Hey Mom.
[Scene cuts between Rory's dorm and Lorelai's kitchen. Lorelai sits at the table while Luke has his head in the oven.]
LORELAI: So, how are you? Do you wanna laugh?
RORY: Oh, laughing would be good.
LORELAI: Luke did the funniest bit before, I thought you would so be –
LUKE: Would you stop? I did not do a bit.
LORELAI: What are you talking about? The bit! It was a riot.
LUKE: It wasn't a bit! I banged my head on the stove and it hurt like hell.
LORELAI: No… no, you said it funnier before. Do it again!
LUKE: I told you, I never did it in the first place. You did it, it's your bit.
LORELAI: How could it be my bit when it's your head in the oven?
LUKE: Exactly. My head, my conk, no bit.
RORY: Mom, just wondering, did you call for any particular reason?
LORELAI: Just checking in, seeing how you're doing. How are you doing?
RORY: I'm fine.
LORELAI: Aw, what's wrong?
RORY: What makes you think something's wrong?
LORELAI: You've got Bambi voice.
RORY: I do not have Bambi voice.
LORELAI: Spill, please.
RORY: I'm just… really behind.
LORELAI: Behind what?
RORY: I'm behind at the paper. Way, way behind at the paper. Everyone else had these amazing, productive summers. Internships at hometown papers, getting articles reprinted in the New York Times, and me, the person who's been talking about being a journalist her entire life, what did I do? I wasted two whole months running away to Europe with Grandma.
LORELAI: Whoa, slow down. First of all, Europe – waste? You had major invaluable experiences, the architecture, the food, seeing my mother without her makeup on in the morning.
RORY: But this is the time for work, for learning. I didn't even consider and internship anywhere, I was so wrapped up in my own personal… whatever. I can't believe I did this.
LORELAI: Well, okay, let's take a step back here. You say you're behind –
RORY: I am behind.
LORELAI: - so, you'll catch up.
RORY: You say that like it's easy.
LORELAI: No, I say that like it's what you're going to do. You've done it before. You were behind at Chilton – you remember? And then you h*t a deer, and everything was fine.
RORY: The two incidents were in no way connected.
LORELAI: But you caught up, right?
RORY: That was high school. This is college, a very big, important college.
LORELAI: Okay, different school, but same Rory. You're great at the catch up thing, you're the "catch up girl" – not to be confused with "ketchup girl", ‘cause that's not you at all. You were strictly a mustard and relish girl from day one – there's a little condiment humor for ya.
RORY: I'm really going to have to work – constantly. Maybe I'll have to look for something part-time at a local paper.
LORELAI: Good, that's good… Or you could work for a fishmonger.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: ‘Cause there's lots of newspapers there.
LUKE: - Ow! Geez! What the – Doh!
Lorelai (laughing): He did it! He did the bit! Luke, do it again. Do it louder for Rory.
RORY: Hey, Mom?
LORELAI: Yeah?
RORY: You sound happy.
LORELAI: I am, kid. (She smiles at Luke.)
LUKE: What?
[Dragonfly Inn: dining room]
STEPHEN: Mr. Mailer, it's just such a great honor to be doing this interview, so I just want to thank you.
NORMAN MAILER: Can I give you a tip?
STEPHEN: Yes, sir.
NORMAN MAILER: I wouldn't start that way for a simple reason – I don't trust compliments. I've been getting them for years. Sometimes I deserve them, sometimes I didn't. But generally when people give you compliments there's one of two things wrong with them. Either they're false, or what's worse is they're sincere. They really mean the compliment. And then they're offering you their loyalty. And I'm kind of a stingy… Well, I don't necessarily want to give all that loyalty back. So either way, let's skip the compliments.
STEPHEN: Let's talk about, uh, what are you working on now?
NORMAN MAILER: I'm gonna say no to you, I can't tell you what I'm working on. A novel is like a secret affair, you don't bring other people in on it.
[Dragonfly Inn: kitchen]
LORELAI: Norman Mailer's back, for the third time this week!
SOOKIE: Yep, sure is.
LORELAI: This is so exciting. I've got to call and tell Rory. You know, she read The Naked and the d*ad while she was still wearing footsie pajamas.
SOOKIE: (yells) Chicken's burning!
LORELAI: This is our first step on the road to being Solon. I mean, as soon as word gets out that Norman Mailer is having lunch at the Dragonfly, it's just a matter of time before the rest of the literati comes sweeping in.
SOOKIE: Sounds great.
LORELAI: So, of course, we'll have to keep Gore Vidal on the other side of the room, but, you know, probably Gabriel Garcia Marquez will run interference for us –
Sookie (irritably, to staff): Butter bath, boys, butter bath!
LORELAI: Are you okay?
SOOKIE: Sure. And I'm thrilled and delighted that Norman Mailer is coming in here every day and sitting at a table for four and ordering nothing at all, but tea!
LORELAI: Tea?
SOOKIE: Iced tea. Glass after glass after glass!
LORELAI: I'm sure he orders more than iced tea.
SOOKIE: Are you, now?
LORELAI: All right, you make great iced tea. I mean, legendary, so can you blame him?
SOOKIE: All I know is when Billy Joel came in to the Independence Inn he would pack it away. Appetizers! Main course! Two, three desserts! That was a man that knew how to eat! And he was almost able to hide it.
LORELAI: Yes, but have you ever read his novels?
SOOKIE: This is a restaurant, not a coffee shop.
LORELAI: Come on, Sookie, this is fun! We're the cool place where Norman Mailer likes to hang. It'll give us street cred, you'll see.
SOOKIE: Fine. Waiter: We need some more iced tea.
SOOKIE: Gee, I wonder who that's for?
[Yale newspaper office]
DOYLE: Lena, economic development. Seng, Woodbridge Hall. Benji, legal issues. Paris, religion b*at.
PARIS: Me? Really? Huh, I hadn't thought. All right.
DOYLE: Jerry, city arts; Rory, features; Glenn, crime. (Glen clears his throat.)
DOYLE: What, Glenn, you don't want crime?
GLENN: I don't care. Maureen Dowd told me it's all the same, not that that flirt has any idea what she's talking about.
DOYLE: All right, that's it. Congratulations if you got what you wanted, and if you didn't, I could care less. Get cracking. (Meeting breaks up.)
RORY: Thank you so much for features b*at. I can't tell you how excited I am.
DOYLE: And please don't try.
RORY: No, I'm gonna kick butt. You just wait and see.
DOYLE: You're a reporter now, Gilmore. You've gotta learn to say ass.
RORY: I'll work on that. Hey, listen, um, I have about a million ideas for my first story, so I was wondering if I could run some of them by you, see what you think?
DOYLE: Two minutes. Go.
RORY: Okay, well, first I thought I could do an update on unionizing the janitorial staff, you know, a classic power struggle; haves versus the have-nots.
DOYLE: Okay.
RORY: Or – and I already have the headline for this one – "Yale's Liberal Activist Network: A thing of the past?"
DOYLE: Catchy, catchy
RORY: Then there's the issue of illegal music downloading on campus, which I imagine is a major – (Logan walks in with his crew.)
DOYLE: Oh no.
RORY: What?
DOYLE: He's back.
LOGAN: Doyle, my friend. (They shake hands.) You're looking very, very well, how ya been?
DOYLE: I've been great, Logan. Great to have you back.
LOGAN: Yeah, well, I stayed away as long as I could, but the Yale Daily News called to me.
DOYLE: Oh, sure. So how's everything? How's the family?
LOGAN: Everything's fine, the family's the family… Ah, my desk. Beautiful.
DOYLE: Um, you know, Logan, I didn't know exactly when you were coming back, and I gave out the beats.
LOGAN: That's fine, Doyle, I'll take whatever you've got left. (He sits with his feet up on the desk.)
DOYLE: Actually, there's none left.
LOGAN: Perfect, just the one I wanted. Relax, Doyle. I'm just here for the pretty picture in my father's head. I'm not going to be any trouble at all.
DOYLE: Oh, Logan, please. You, trouble? Stop. We're just glad to have you here.
LOGAN: Careful, boy, you might hurt yourself, kid. Better get back to work, right boss? Rory, nice to see you. (Doyle crosses over to Rory's desk.)
DOYLE: You know Logan? How do you know Logan?
RORY: No, I don't know him, I met him. A friend introduced us.
DOYLE: So you're not friends.
RORY: No, definitely not friends.
Doyle (hushed): That guy's a real piece of work. He took last year off with a bunch of his friends. He was going to sail Daddy's yacht around till he sank it.
RORY: He sank his father's yacht?
DOYLE: Right off of Fiji. They spent six months of gallivanting and partying and God knows what in there till Daddy sent one of his planes to bring him back.
RORY: I'm guessing his father's rich.
DOYLE: His father's Mitchum Huntzberger.
RORY: Mitchum Huntzberger? The newspaper guy?
DOYLE: The newspaper magnet. The man owns at least twelve different papers. I've spent two years kissing Logan's butt.
RORY: Don't you mean ass?
DOYLE: Whatever. Guess it's time to pucker up again. Man, I hate those kind of guys.
RORY: What kind of guys?
DOYLE: Those privileged, white males.
RORY: Doyle, you're a privileged white male.
DOYLE: Well, he's more privileged. And way more whiter. Why am I talking to you? Meg, why am I talking to Gilmore?
RORY: My story – we were picking a story.
DOYLE: Right. Well, they all sound fine to me.
RORY: Then I think I'll go with the downloading story.
DOYLE: Good. Go with your gut. And get to work. (He turns to leave. Logan puts on an old "press" hat.)
LOGAN: (1920's reporter voice, on the phone.) Hello, city desk? Smitty here, take this down. I got a hot scoop on a tall blonde and I gotta put it to bed on the double! (He hangs up, laughs at Doyle, winks at Rory, then puts his feet back on the desk and leans back for a nap with the hat over his face.)
[Dragonfly Inn: dining room]
STEPHEN: How do you see your position in American letters?
NORMAN MAILER: I'm either the best, or I'm not. And I have no idea. And in fact I don't even worry about it anymore, because it doesn't matter whether you think you're the best, there are twenty of us around. Twenty American writers right now – I could name them but I won't – who think they're the best living American writer. And I'm one of those twenty. (Sookie enters dining room.) On the other hand, I don't want to make friends with some of those guys, because they're bastards.
STEPHEN: Okay, so who is your favorite author of all time?
Sookie (interrupting): So, how are we doing over here?
NORMAN MAILER (irritated): We're fine.
SOOKIE: Hey, you know what goes great with iced tea? Pork tenderloin!
STEPHEN: Maybe later, thanks. Sookie; We have a great menu here. I'm holding a couple as we speak.
NORMAN MAILER: We're fine, thank you.
SOOKIE: Okay. Hey, I don't know if the waiter told you, but today is Wednesday. And on Wednesday at the Dragonfly we play a little something I like to call "Stump the chef"! Which is me. And the way we play is that you name any dish in the world and I will make it for you, and if I don't know what it is, then you get your lunch completely free!
NORMAN MAILER: What the devil is she talking about?
STEPHEN: Actually, you know what, could we have some lemon for the iced tea?
SOOKIE: Lemon? ... oh, sure. One plate of lemon coming up. (She turns to leave) If you change your mind, I'll be in the kitchen. You know, with the food.
[Rory's Dorm Room: common room]
Rory (on the phone): I already have a ton of data and pages of research and, ooh, the best thing is, Nancy, this girl on the fourth floor, her father was the guy who ran security at the gallery when Lars Ulrich sold all his art and he said he would try to get him on the phone for an interview and I've gotta breathe now.
[Scene cuts from Rory to Dean, who is at the register at Doose's Market in a cowboy hat.]
Dean: I think that was a record.
RORY: So what do you think? You think it sounds big enough, important enough? Dean: Yes, I do.
RORY: I think so too. I feel very, very good about this, Forester. Dean: Excellent to hear, Gilmore. (Paris enters dorm, also talking on the phone.)
PARIS: Monsignor, why is my asking you keep your cell on vibrate during mass in case I need to fact check a quote outrageous? Rabbi Feldman's doing it for me on Shabbat and he's flying against the Talmud there. (Into her bedroom) Dean: So, when do I get to read this story of yours?
RORY: Well, I figured I'll finish a rough draft in time for our date tomorrow night. So you can have a romantic night of proofreading. Huh? Pretty hot, don't ya think? Dean: Yeah, listen -
RORY: I'm kidding; you don't have to read it. I'll read it to you. Dean: I have to work tomorrow night.
RORY: What? Dean: Sorry.
RORY: But it's Thursday. Since when do you work on Thursday? Dean: Since Taylor decided to cash in on the 24-hour trucker crowd.
RORY: What trucker crowd? Dean: The trucker crowd off Highway 84.
RORY: Since when does the trucker crowd off Highway 84 come through Star's Hollow? Dean: Since we installed an icy machine.
RORY: Wow. Dean: Yep. I'm stuck here pulling the new shifts until we see how it's catching on.
RORY: Sounds rough. Dean: Yeah. You haven't lived until you've heard Taylor belt out "Stand by Your Man".
RORY: You deserve hazard pay. Dean: I've already submitted for it.
RORY: So, no tomorrow night. Bummer. How about Saturday? Dean: Saturday I'm here. Uh, what about next week? I've got Tuesday and Wednesdays off.
RORY: I have this article, and I'm already behind on my reading. Next weekend? Dean: Going to Maine for my grandparent's wedding anniversary.
RORY: Well, it was nice knowing ya. Dean: Way to stand by your man.
RORY: So I guess that's week after next, huh? Dean: Yeah, I guess so.
RORY: I turn in my article on that Monday. Dean: Monday night it is.
RORY: They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Dean: Yeah. Sex can do that also.
RORY: Amen, brother. Dean: Okay, I've got to go. You have to stir the nacho cheese every twenty minutes or it forms kind of a rock.
RORY: Go stir the cheese. Dean: Call you tomorrow.
RORY: Okay. Bye. (Paris comes back into the common room.)
PARIS: Did you know that priests have a fabulous sense of humor?
RORY: Just stay one lightning bolt's length away from me at all times please.
PARIS: You want to go check out some Mormon bingo around 5th?
RORY: No thanks.
PARIS: How's your article coming?
RORY: Very good.
PARIS: Good. So you must have found a new angle on it. Right?
RORY: Right. New angle.
PARIS: Yeah. Downloading stories are everywhere and they all say exactly the same thing. Downloading's up, CD sales are down, but up from last year. It's not hurting the music industry but the music industry's hurting. Blah, blah, blah. You know. It always seems like there's got to be more to it than that, but there never is. But, you have a fresh angle. So good.
RORY: Yeah. Good.
PARIS: Okay. I'll be back late. If Rabbi Feldman calls, tell him I got the stats from Edward James Olmos' office, so I'm good. Bye.
RORY: Yeah, bye.
[Dragonfly Inn: office]
ANN: What's this? Never mind, I see the noted pink, thank you Lorelai.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
ANN: Okay. I see a lot of growth this month. The initial drop off, which we all knew was going to happen after the opening has sort of settled and you're doing a good seventy to seventy-five percent occupancy, which is pretty good.
LORELAI: Yeah, and the holidays are coming up, we're booked solid the last three weeks of November.
ANN: Well that's all positive news. So let's just talk about the couple of things we can do to help till then.
LORELAI: So, we need help?
ANN: Well, yeah. Some. It's the first year, and you're going to building the business so there's not a lot of profit right now, and personally I'd feel better if we could just lighten some of the financial load.
SOOKIE: Financial load.
LORELAI: That sounds bad. Michel: I could put in for overtime and I don't.
ANN: Look, you need to get some of these burdens off you. For example, lunch.
SOOKIE: What about lunch?
ANN: Well, breakfast seems to be breaking even, and you're doing fine with dinner but, lunch?
SOOKIE: What about lunch, Ann?
ANN: You're hemorrhaging money at lunch. You have a full staff for a basically empty dining room. I think it might be a good idea to drop lunch until you get your occupancy rate up higher and –
SOOKIE: Drop lunch, did she say drop lunch?
LORELAI: Just until we get our occupancy rates up a little higher.
ANN: A lot higher.
SOOKIE: I don't understand. That's the only thing we can do?
ANN: Well –
SOOKIE: I mean, I just think it's extremely coincidental that the only thing we can do to save the inn is to get rid of lunch.
LORELAI: Well, I'm sure it's not the only thing.
SOOKIE: I mean, lunch is my thing. Why do we have to get rid of one of my things? Why can't we get rid of one of Michel's things? Michel: What things? I stand behind a desk and answer a phone. What of mine can you possibly get rid of?
SOOKIE: The desk! Put the phone on the wall! Michel: What?
SOOKIE: And write on your shoe, because he goes through a lot of paper.
LORELAI: Okay! Ann, would you just, uh…
SOOKIE: It's not fair! It's not fair that everybody else gets to keep their thing and I have to get rid of my lunch.
LORELAI: Sookie, Ann's just trying to help.
SOOKIE: Oh, Ann hates me.
ANN: No, I don't!
LORELAI: Okay, Ann, how would you like to go in the kitchen and get yourself a cup of coffee?
ANN: I don't hate her.
LORELAI: I know. Michel can you get Ann some coffee? Michel: Oh, absolutely. And then I'll go hang my phone on the wall. (He gets up to escort Ann to the kitchen.) Oh, I have to tell you, looking good is so important when you represent the face of the company. I mean, I am the first thing that a customer sees when they walk through that door.
ANN: Your suits are not a deduction, Michel. (They leave.)
LORELAI: What are you doing?
SOOKIE: She's taking my lunches away.
LORELAI: She's trying to help us.
SOOKIE: This is all Norman Mailer's fault. He just sits around, ordering nothing and yammering on and on and on. I mean, so he was married to Marilyn Munroe. Who wasn't?
LORELAI: That was Arthur Miller.
SOOKIE: I'm going to kick him and pinch his nose.
LORELAI: Hey, get a grip. Sookie, we're trying to launch a business here.
SOOKIE: The restaurant is part of the business.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: And cutting out lunch is not the…
LORELAI: Temporarily cutting out lunch. Temporarily. Just until things perk up, which they will, and when they do, the lunches will go back, just like before. Sookie? Okay?
SOOKIE: Fine. (Gets up to leave.)
LORELAI: Just give it time.
SOOKIE: Mmhmm.
LORELAI: And we're going to leave Mr. Mailer alone, right? ‘Cause I don't care how old he is, he can take you.
SOOKIE: I know. (She goes.)
[Yale dorms: an unfamiliar common room.]
LEN: So, we're booted up, and we're searching the network for other clients, right? And then you enter the album you want in this search field, right? Let's say, it's the new Interpol, you heard it?
RORY: I think so.
LEN: A little less joy divisioning this time, more Nick Cave got mugged by Paul Whiler with some Seventeen Seconds Eric Cura thrown in. But anyway, for better quality you choose the file with the highest bit rate. It's a trade off ‘cause it's a bigger file size. The lower the bit rate, the smaller the file, but lower quality. Got that?
RORY: Higher smaller, lower larger.
LEN: Higher larger, lower smaller. Ooh, check this out. I can download a band's entire catalog with the push of a button. I'm gonna take down all twenty-two Chicago albums, boo-ya! There's Chicago One, Chicago Two, Chicago Three, Chicago Four… neat, huh?
RORY: Yeah. Really neat. Len: Chicago nine, Chicago ten… I hate Chicago. Use a trombone, go to jail. But, my goal is to get it all, from Abba to Zappa. There's the Christmas album.
RORY: Um. Okay, that's really fascinating stuff, but let me ask you, do you still buy CD's?
LEN: Yeah.
RORY: Mmhm. Anything to add to that?
LEN: CD sales are up this year, you hear about that?
RORY: Yes I did.
LEN: Down last year, up this year. Weird. Oh cool. Here's a 1986 bootleg of Chicago Live at the Cumberland Civic Center at Portland and Maine, boo-ya!
RORY: So, Len, tell me about when… er, ah… if…
LEN: Yeah?
RORY: Oh, I just, I lost my train of thought.
LEN: I hate that.
RORY: You know what, I think I'm going go get a cup of coffee. Coffee sounds good. I'll be back in a minute.
LEN: I'll be here. (She leaves)
[Yale dorms: Ladies washroom]
(Rory splashes some water on her face and stands in the corner. A drunk girl wearing a ball gown and a plastic gorilla mask enters the washroom. She doesn't see Rory. She touches up her lipstick. She notices Rory.) Gorilla Girl: Oops! Didn't see you there. (Giggles) Shhh. (She leaves. Rory follows her.)
[Yale dorms: Outside]
(Gorilla Girl opens the door to a black SUV, Rory watches from the door) Gorilla Girl: In Omnia Paratus! (She jumps in, giggling. They drive away)
[Outside Doose's market]
(Lorelai walks out of the store wearing a cowboy hat and carrying a huge plate of nachos and an Icy. Her phone rings.)
LORELAI: Oh boy. Okay, hold on. I get it, you're ringing. Howdy ma'am. (To a woman passing by as she sets down her food.) Hold on, hold on, hold on. (She answers.) Yes, hi, hello.
CHRIS: Lor!
LORELAI: Chris?
CHRIS: I can't get her to stop.
LORELAI: Stop what?
CHRIS: Crying, screaming. She's not hot, there's no fever, and I can't get her to eat.
LORELAI: We're talking about Gigi, right?
CHRIS: Yes!
LORELAI: Okay, ‘cause, you know, Sherry's really thin, so I - (Gigi screams.)
LORELAI: Are you sure she's not hot?
CHRIS: No, I already checked. I don't know what to do. She's everywhere. She won't sit still, she keeps climbing out of her crib, she's moving really fast…
LORELAI: Oh, Chris, honey, calm down. Where's Sherry?
CHRIS: She's not here, she's out again.
LORELAI: When is she getting home?
CHRIS: I don't know what to do. I didn't know who to call, the nanny is not answering her pager, and Sherry's friends, they don't have kids or like kids, I just…
LORELAI: I'll be right there. Ah, bye. (She hangs up and rushes off.)
[Chris and Sherry's apartment]
(Chris answers the door)
CHRIS: I owe you so big.
LORELAI: Wow, you look, uh, great. (Looks around) Huh. How long ago did Axl Rose leave?
CHRIS: Yeah, the, uh, place is kind of a mess, I tried to clean up earlier but she keeps climbing out of the crib, if she's not climbing, she's screaming… I really don't know what to do here. I mean, I keep thinking she's hungry but she won't eat, and – (Gigi cries.) Oh, crap. There she goes again. C'mon, Gig, let's go back in the crib, huh? (Gigi screams again.)
LORELAI: You tell him, girlfriend.
CHRIS: She hasn't slept. She hasn't slept for days.
LORELAI: I'm guessing that makes two of you.
CHRIS: Yeah, well… C'mon, Gig, just a little sleep, huh?
LORELAI: Um, Chris, where is Sherry?
CHRIS: She's, uh, away. Oh, c'mon, seriously Gigi. Five hundred bucks if you stay in there for ten minutes.
LORELAI: Hold out, kid, you've got him on the ropes now.
CHRIS: She doesn't need your help.
LORELAI: No, she doesn't. Just… come here. (She picks op Gigi) Hi! Oh, wow! I hear strained spinach is the new pink! (Hands her to Chris)
CHRIS: It's okay… (Lorelai turns the crib toward the wall.)
LORELAI: There you go.
CHRIS: That's it?
LORELAI: Yeah.
CHRIS: You mean, she's going to stay in there?
LORELAI: Yeah, until her hair grows long enough for the prince to shimmy up. (Puts Gigi back in the crib.) Come on. (They sit on the couch.)
CHRIS: Oh, God, I am so sorry, Lor.
LORELAI: Oh, for what?
CHRIS: Well, I hardly ever call you, or Rory, but the minute I'm in trouble…
LORELAI: Well, that's what we're here for.
CHRIS: Yeah. Well, I've been traveling so much, and then I get home to this, and I didn't know what to do. I swear, I didn't know what to do.
LORELAI: Chris.
CHRIS: Yeah?
LORELAI: Where is Sherry?
CHRIS: Sherry is in Paris.
LORELAI: Wow, lucky girl. When does she get back?
CHRIS: She's not.
LORELAI: She's…
CHRIS: I got home from Seattle, and the nanny was here and she handed me a note. It said that Sherry had been offered a job in Paris and she had decided to take it.
LORELAI: What?
CHRIS: She said she had put her career on hold for almost two years. She said that I had been gone for most of that time, which, I guess is true, and she wasn't going to let this opportunity pass. She said it was my turn, she was sorry, but that she had to do this – for her.
LORELAI: Wow.
CHRIS: Yeah.
LORELAI: I'm stunned.
CHRIS: Pretty much my same reaction.
LORELAI: But Gigi – she just takes off on Gigi?... Okay, well. You smell as good as you look.
CHRIS: I haven't showered since Seattle.
LORELAI: Really, well, I'm hot. Okay, um, how about this for a plan. You – go take a shower. And I will, um, order some food and start to clean up and then we'll –
CHRIS: Hey, I can't do this.
LORELAI: Do what? Shower? Oh, you've done it before. Just turn the water on, step in. Oh, no wait, remove clothes, then step in.
CHRIS: I can't raise her. I cannot raise her all by myself.
LORELAI: Yes you can.
CHRIS: What makes you think so?
LORELAI: Because you have to, Chris. She's your daughter, and you're going to find a way. I did. I did it with Rory.
CHRIS: Oh, you're different.
LORELAI: Yes, I was sixteen.
CHRIS: No, you're different, I mean, you're special. You're stronger. You're like a superhero with red boots and a golden lasso.
LORELAI: That was one Halloween, Christopher.
CHRIS: I mean, you raised Rory all by yourself, you had no one to help you and you didn't look back.
LORELAI: That's right. But if I had decided to bail on Rory and follow the Bangles around the world, which is what I planned to do when the Demerol kicked in, then you would've put on the red boots and golden lasso and you would have raised her and everything would have been fine. Except she wouldn't have introduced you to anyone, or let you go to the parent night at school ‘cause you looked so freaky.
CHRIS: I don't know.
LORELAI: She is your daughter.
CHRIS: And I don't even know her. I've been gone so much.
LORELAI: Well, welcome home, babe.
CHRIS: I don't want to screw this up, Lor.
LORELAI: You're not going to. I know you can do this, Chris.
CHRIS: You ever get tired of being my cheerleader?
LORELAI: Hey, as long as I look cute in the skirt I'm good to go.
CHRIS: Okay. Uh, I really need to shower.
LORELAI: Yeah. I'll clear a path, and order some food?
CHRIS: Yeah. No applesauce.
LORELAI: You got it.
CHRIS: So, you really think I can handle this?
LORELAI: No doubt in my mind. (Gigi cries.) Go. I've got the crying.
CHRIS: Hey, Lor?
LORELAI: Yeah.
CHRIS: I don't know what I do without you.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, you're going to find out real soon if you don't –
CHRIS: Take off clothes, get in shower, turn on water. I'm going.
Lorelai (singing to Gigi): Just another manic Monday…
[Yale newspaper office]
DOYLE: Gellar! Do you see what I have here in my hand?
PARIS: I'm busy, Doyle.
DOYLE: Rabbi Baron says he's changed his number twice.
PARIS: Oh, please.
DOYLE: Father Callahan is thr*at a restraining order.
PARIS: If I had a nickel…
DOYLE: And the honorable Muhammed Abdul Aziz says that you stole his flip-flops.
PARIS: What a lie. He leaves them out in his hallway and I have told him a million times that people suck, and –
DOYLE: Paris!
PARIS: What?
DOYLE: You have thr*at, stalked and basically freaked out every religious leader within a hundred mile radius. This paper has never received so many complaints in the history of its existence. And how the hell did you get Jesse Jackson's barber's number? How?
PARIS: Hey, you gave me this b*at to find the story, not to cow-tow and make nice, and –
DOYLE: Gellar!
PARIS: What!
DOYLE: Way to go.
PARIS: Thanks.
DOYLE: Don't you dare give back those flip-flops.
PARIS: Not a chance, they fit perfectly. (Doyle walks away.)
RORY: Hey, Doyle, I think I want to change my story.
DOYLE: Yeah?
RORY: Yeah. The downloading story was a d*ad end, there's nothing there.
DOYLE: You're telling me.
RORY: What?
DOYLE: I got bored just hearing you pitch it. So what do you got now?
RORY: Okay. Well, last night I was in one of the bathrooms over at Berkeley, and this girl came in, slightly toasted, and she was wearing a full on ball gown with one of those plastic gorilla masks.
DOYLE: Huh. Not something you see every day.
RORY: Exactly what I thought. So I followed her out to the parking lot, and she got in this fancy black SUV, and said "In Omnia Paratus", which means "Ready for anything". I know, I took Latin.
DOYLE: Quel impressed. Continue
RORY: All this seemed a little weird, but interesting weird, you know? So, I don't know. Maybe it's all this hanging out with a real newspaper man like yourself, but my antennae went up. I felt there was a story there. Did you catch the subtle sucking up?
DOYLE: Caught it. Continue.
RORY: So, I googled the phrase, not quite sure what I was looking for, but then I found this. See, it links the phrase with a club here at Yale. It's sort of a secret society kind of Skull and Bones kind of creepy group dating back to the 1800's. This phrase was their motto. Now, that alone, not that interesting. But here. Look. (Shows him a picture of people jumping off a bridge holding umbrellas, with the phrase In Omnia Paratus scrawled across the bottom.)
DOYLE: (interested) Huh.
RORY: I found this in a 1996 edition of the Yale Daily News. It's an article on whether or not this club actually exists.
DOYLE: "The Life and Death Brigade." Yeah, I know these guys.
RORY: Oh, you do?
DOYLE: Well, I've heard of them. They're apparently even more elusive than the Skull and Bones crowd. ‘Course they've never been linked to masturbating in a coffin so I automatically like these guys better.
RORY: Hm. Well, what do you know about them?
DOYLE: Not much. Paper's tried to track them down before, and we've gotten a few leads, but no one's ever gotten close enough to confirm anything. We all know they exist, but, we don't know they exist. It's all just too-too. God I hate those stupid clubs.
RORY: I want to do this story. I want to find this club, track them down, get on the inside. What do you think?
DOYLE: Go with your gut.
RORY: You said that about my downloading story. Hey, you don't trust my gut!
[Elder Gilmore's house: outside.]
(Lorelai is waiting by her Jeep for Rory to arrive.)
LORELAI: Finally.
RORY: What are you doing out here?
LORELAI: Am I wearing the same thing I wore last Friday night?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Halfway here I was struck by the overwhelming feeling that I wore this exact outfit to last Friday night, and there's no way I'm going in there to see my mother wearing the same thing I wore last Friday night because I may not remember but she sure as hell will.
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: You don't know?
RORY: You don't remember but you expect me to?
LORELAI: Well, you look at me more than I look at me; you sit across from me at dinner. You had more of a chance to imprint my ensemble in your brain.
RORY: Sorry, no imprint.
LORELAI: Oh, that hurts.
RORY: Oh, I'm sure you don't remember what I was wearing.
LORELAI: I most certainly do.
RORY: Okay, what was I wearing?
LORELAI: You were wearing a lovely and delicately understated, uh, outfit… well, you were definitely wearing these arms.
RORY: Oh, way to imprint, lady.
LORELAI: Stand I front of me, just in case. (Rings doorbell.)
MAID: Hello.
LORELAI: Hi, we should be on the guest list. Holstein and Liza are expecting us. (Maid looks confused.)
LORELAI: Okay. Let's try it straight. Hi, we're here for dinner. I'm Lorelai the daughter, this is Rory the granddaughter.
MAID: Oh! Okay, I'm sorry. Right this way. (They walk in.)
[Elder Gilmore's house: inside]
RORY: She's acting weird.
LORELAI: She knows I'm wearing the same outfit as last week.
RORY: She wasn't here last week.
LORELAI: The world's small, maids talk.
RORY: About you?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: Oh. With all that's going on in the world, all the maids in existence are talking about you.
LORELAI: Huh. ‘Kay, now you're making me seem a little stuck up.
MAID: Can I get you something to drink?
LORELAI: Yes, a martini please.
RORY: Coke, please.
LORELAI: Oh, you know, maybe we should wait for my mother. Is she coming down soon?
MAID: No.
LORELAI: Oh. Okay. Do you know if she saw what I was wearing through the window?
MAID: Mrs. Gilmore isn't here.
LORELAI: She's not?
RORY: Where is she?
MAID: She's at a dinner for the Children's Hospital.
LORELAI: Oh! So she's not going to be here at all tonight.
MAID: No, I'm afraid not.
RORY: Okay. Well then I guess we can just…
LORELAI: You know, we'll just... go have dinner in the pool house with Dad.
MAID: Oh.
LORELAI: Oh?
MAID: Mr. Gilmore is out of town.
LORELAI: He is?
MAID: ‘Till Tuesday.
LORELAI: Aha. We've officially become afterthoughts.
MAID: Would you like me to make you two something for dinner?
RORY: Um, well, since everyone's gone, maybe I'll just head back to school. I have a lot of work to do at the paper.
LORELAI: Yeah. Okay. That would be one option, going back to school. However, another option would be staying here, ordering pizza, and eating dinner on the living room floor on paper plates.
RORY: You're evil!
LORELAI: Would you bring us a phone book, please?
MAID: Right away.
LORELAI: Get crazy!
RORY: Okay! (They take off their shoes.)
LORELAI: We have to really live it up. Carpe Diem, baby.
RORY: I'm touching the rug with my feet!
LORELAI: Ooh, you're perverse!
RORY: Hey, and when she brings the drinks, let's not use coasters!
LORELAI: Hey, I wonder if there's anything in here that we could un-alphabetize.
RORY: [gasps] The rug is so soft! Oh, you would not believe!
LORELAI: Gluing everything in this room to the ceiling so that it's in exactly the same place, but upside down, be going too far?
RORY: A little.
LORELAI: So, dish?
RORY: Absolutely.
LORELAI: Sherry left your dad.
RORY: What? When?
LORELAI: A couple of days ago. She got a job offer in Paris and she packed her tiny pants in a bag and bailed.
RORY: What about Gigi?
LORELAI: Left her with Chris.
RORY: No way.
LORELAI: Yeah. He came home, and the nanny handed him a letter.
RORY: I can't believe this! How could she just leave like that?
LORELAI: I have no idea.
RORY: How do you know all this?
LORELAI: He called me.
RORY: When?
LORELAI: Yesterday. He was freaking out because he couldn't stop Gigi from crawling out of her crib, and you know, I do have to hand it to him, he gets extra points for the very original duct taping of the diaper move. That place was a wreck.
RORY: You went over there?
LORELAI: Oh yeah. But I calmed him down, and, you know, we sort of got the place in order and I think everything's going to be okay. I'm going to go back on Monday and just make sure that everyone's still breathing.
RORY: Oh. Well, that's very nice of you.
LORELAI: Well, your dad is going to need a little help being… a dad. ‘Cause, I mean… well he was your dad, so…no newsflash here. But you should see Gigi. She's huge, and gorgeous, and a belcher. (Laughs, Rory looks worried. Maid returns with a phone book.) Oh, great! Dinner is served.
[Yale newspaper office]
(Late at night. Rory is alone. She finds an article in an old newspaper; headline: ‘Police Nab Members of "Secret Society" ‘. She looks closer at the caption and reads the name ‘Elias Huntzberger'. She copies the name onto a Post-It note.)
[Dragonfly Inn: Reception desk.]
(Lorelai is displaying a brochure to a couple.)
LORELAI: It's a beautiful one and a half mile hike, there's a waterfall around this bend here, and over here are some of the oldest birch trees in the area, a rare butterfly nature preserve is off to the right here – (her phone rings) Oh, excuse me. Michel, would you take over?
Michel: Oh, yes. Of course. (She leaves.) Okay, so over here, by this semi-polluted brook, you will find large scary spiders and a fascinating display of poison ivy.
[Dragonfly Inn: bottom of the staircase.]
LORELAI: Luke, slow down! … I can't come now, I'm working. He what? …Okay, fine. I'm on my way. Yes, I'm running. My feet are going like a cartoon character, there are dust clouds behind me and the background keeps repeating itself. Bye! (Hangs up.)
[Reception desk]
Michel: …which brings you to the rattlesnake curve, where people have actually died painful but very picturesque deaths.
[Luke's Diner: Outside.]
(Kirk is dressed as a hot dog, passing out flyers to passersby; Luke is glaring at him.)
KIRK: Lunch at the Dragonfly! Get your lunch at the Dragonfly! You have not eaten lunch, till you have eaten lunch at the Dragonfly!
LUKE: I mean it, Kirk, get away from here!
KIRK: I am on the sidewalk, Luke! You do not own the sidewalk! The sidewalk is for the common people! The everyman! And every man and every woman would like to have a delicious lunch at the Dragonfly.
LUKE: I'm going to call the cops.
KIRK: Cops get free pie! With lunch at the Dragonfly! (Lorelai comes running up.)
LORELAI: Uh, Kirk, what are you doing? You're a giant hot dog.
KIRK: Technically I'm a giant wiener. The costume tag says "wiener".
LUKE: Get him away from my diner. I mean it.
KIRK: Don't you worry, Lorelai, I have no intention of abandoning my post, and I will not rest till every single person in Stars Hollow has tried lunch at the Dragonfly!
LORELAI: Kirk, I don't understand this.
KIRK: I'm trying to scrounge up a lunch crowd for you, so I figured I'd go where everybody already has lunch and get them over to you. And I'm doing a pretty good job, if I do say so myself!
LORELAI: But who asked you – ugh. Boy. Okay. Luke, I'm very sorry, this won't happen again. Come on, Kirk. I'm sorry, but why a hot dog? The Dragonfly doesn't serve hot dogs.
KIRK: Well, the kiesch made me look fat.
LUKE: If I see him around here again…
LORELAI: You won't. Let's go. (They walk away.)
KIRK: This is as fast as I can go in this outfit.
[Yale: courtyard]
(Rory is leaning against a pillar, waiting for Logan to walk by.) Logan's friend: It was funny, man, you should have been there.
RORY: Hey, Huntzberger!
LOGAN: Hey! You waiting on me?
RORY: Could be.
LOGAN: Wow, I'm flattered.
RORY: Your prerogative.
LOGAN: You here on business or pleasure?
RORY: I just thought maybe I'd give you a chance to respond to my article?
LOGAN: What article?
RORY: The article I'm doing on the Life and Death Brigade.
LOGAN: Don't really know what you're talking about.
RORY: You don't? Huh. I thought you would. It's a club. One of these super secret, super exclusive clubs here at Yale, membership spans a thousand centuries, secret handshakes and secret sayings, and a lot of running around in circles in your underwear, that kind of thing.
LOGAN: Sounds pretty secret.
RORY: Yeah. Anyhow, I'm doing sort of an expose on this one particular club and I figured, since you're in it, maybe you'd like to have your point of view included.
LOGAN: I'm in it.
RORY: Well aren't you?
LOGAN: I've yet to run around in a circle in my underwear.
RORY: Well. Okay. I mean, I have proof that your grandfather was in it, which means that your father was in it. Which should mean that you're in it. But maybe not. Okay.
LOGAN: Sorry to let you down.
RORY: No let down. It would have been nice, but I have plenty of stuff without you, and I'm sorry to have bothered you.
LOGAN: You have plenty without me, huh?
RORY: Oh yeah! I have the ball gowns, the girl in the gorilla mask, In Omnia Paratus – very fancy catch phrase, by the way – the license plate on the black SUV, and about a dozen other little things. I mean, getting an interview with an actual member would have been great. But I'm okay without it.
LOGAN: Well, great.
RORY: Yep. Plus I'm completely onto your routine now.
LOGAN: Wow.
RORY: Yeah. So I figure I'll just track you, and you'll eventually lead me there anyway. So, hey. I mean it would have been easier if you just would have talked to me now, but I can do it the other way if you want.
LOGAN: The other way.
RORY: Yes.
LOGAN: You tracking me.
RORY: Yes.
LOGAN: Following my every move?
RORY: Yeah.
LOGAN: I pick that way.
RORY: Okay, but –
LOGAN: We can start right now, if you want. I'm heading back to my room, I can keep the window open in case you feel the need to sneak in, and track me from the inside.
RORY: Thanks for the info.
LOGAN: Absolutely. (Turns to leave.) And hey, good luck with that article. Sounds like a hell of a scoop. (Walks away.)
[Dragonfly Inn: kitchen]
LORELAI: Sookie. What was the first thing we agreed on when we opened the inn?
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Keep Kirk away from the business. Then I get a call from a not so jolly Luke and I run down there and find a giant hot dog handing out ten percent off flyers for lunch at the Dragonfly.
SOOKIE: Who was the giant hot dog?
LORELAI: Kirk was the giant hot dog.
SOOKIE: I didn't tell him to dress like a giant hot dog. Why would he dress up like a giant hot dog?
LORELAI: Because it's Kirk, Sookie – the giant hot dog suit was a given the minute you talked to Kirk. I don't understand what you were thinking.
SOOKIE: I was thinking we need to drum up some lunch business.
LORELAI: But, there is no lunch.
SOOKIE: Since when?
LORELAI: Since when? Sookie, we all agreed. Ann said.
SOOKIE: I did not agree. I did not agree to stop serving lunch.
LORELAI: Sookie, come on, it's the only thing we can do! We have to. You heard Ann, we can't afford this. Who's all this food for?
SOOKIE: All we need is a little time, and the people are going to come. And I paid Kirk out of my own money, by the way, so you don't have to worry about that.
LORELAI: I'm not worried about that, I'm worried about this.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: What are we going to do with all this food? Who's going to eat it? Why are there seven kitchen people working when the only person out there is Norman Mailer?
SOOKIE: Hey, this is what I do!
LORELAI: Sookie, we're dropping lunch. It's just temporary, but as of now, I'm sorry but it's gone.
SOOKIE: Fine. No lunch. From now on there's no lunch! Everybody stop what you're doing, because as of now there's no more lunch! (She storms out.)
[Dragonfly Inn: dining room]
SOOKIE: Boys! Yeah! Sorry to break up the party, but as of now, there's no more lunch! Yeah! It's been cancelled. You happy, Norman Mailer? Huh? Lunch has been cancelled! That means no more iced tea, uh-uh! No more lemon slices! No more hanging out at a restaurant, ordering nothing because you're Norman Mailer and you can! I mean, that's just like me coming into a bookstore, reading your books, without buying them! Hey, can I borrow this? Huh? I'm not going to pay for it, nope. I'm just going to stand here and read! Ooh, yeah. Someone sure likes to use his big words. (Lorelai rushes in.)
LORELAI: Can I get some more iced tea for the table? Excuse me, Mr. Mailer, I'm so terribly sorry. (She pushes Sookie back to the kitchen.)
SOOKIE: Oh, yeah! Yeah! What? What? Ha ha. Yeah, write that down!
[Dragonfly Inn: kitchen]
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: This is his fault!
LORELAI: It is not his fault!
SOOKIE: He takes up space! He drinks iced tea! He scares the other people off.
LORELAI: Sookie, he does not! Why are you being so nutty about this?
SOOKIE: I don't know! I don't know why I'm getting so nutty about this! I mean, I hear myself getting nutty and I know that there's no one coming for lunch! And I know that Norman Mailer is not responsible for no one coming for lunch! And I tell myself it's just temporary, and there's still dinner, and breakfast, and that's good, and I can do a lot with that, and I try to calm myself down and that just seems to only make me crazier and all I want to do is cry, and scream, and Oh! My God, I'm pregnant!
Lorelai (gasps): You're pregnant?
SOOKIE: Ooh, I'm pregnant! (They hug.)
LORELAI: Oh, oh. (Sookie runs into dining room.)
[Dragonfly Inn: dining room]
SOOKIE: Norman Mailer! I'm pregnant!
NORMAN MAILER: Congratulations. (She hugs him, giddy, and runs back to the kitchen.)
[Yale newspaper office]
(Rory looks up as Logan walks by.)
Rory (to Paris): Hey, you okay?
PARIS: Yeah. I think I had some bad host at one of the masses yesterday. (She walks away.)
(Rory receives an instant message on her computer.)
L > Hey Ace. I've got a proposition for you.
(She looks around and sees Logan watching her. She replies.)
R > sh**t.
L > I'll help you with your article. Get you the inside scoop. You just have to agree to a few conditions.
R > What conditions?
L > The first condition is you have to agree before you know the conditions. (a b*at) What do you say, Ace? You in or out?
(She smiles, then replies)
R > I'm in.
(She looks up and Logan is gone.)
[Luke's Diner: inside]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Is the hot dog with you?
LORELAI: No, Kirk is at home.
LUKE: Good. Make sure he stays there.
LORELAI: I will. So you still mad at me.
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: Seem mad.
LUKE: I'm not mad, just bugged.
LORELAI: Luke, I swear. Kirk will never bother your business on our behalf again.
LUKE: Oh, it's not that.
LORELAI: What then?
LUKE: I've got this table of bozos sitting over there all day long ordering nothing but iced tea. (Lorelai peeks over her shoulder at Norman Mailer and the reporter.)
STEPHEN: Why don't we focus on writing?
NORMAN MAILER: You know, I knew you'd come up with a question like that, it's like, why don't you push my Cadillac for me.
LORELAI: (Laughs) Aw, bummer.
[Chris' apartment]
(knock, knock, Chris answers.)
CHRIS: Rory, hey! What are you doing here? I – uh, here. Hey, it's good to see you, kiddo! (Hugs her) Uh, come on in, sit down. Uh, Gigi is asleep, which is basically a miracle, but what the hell, for you I'll wake her up.
RORY: No, that's okay. I can't stay long.
CHRIS: Well, some sit down.
RORY: No, I can't stay.
CHRIS: Okay.
RORY: I don't want you calling Mom anymore.
CHRIS: What?
RORY: I want you to stay away from her.
CHRIS: Rory, I –
RORY: Mom's in a relationship now, and she's doing really great. He's kind, and, well, he's there. And she's happy.
CHRIS: I think that's great, Rory. I –
RORY: You'll mess it up! You'll mess everything up! Because every time you come back, it always ends up the same way. Mom's crying and you're not being there and I know it's not your fault, I know you don't mean it to be that way, but that's how it is.
CHRIS: I just needed some help. That's all.
RORY: Well, next time you need help, call a nanny, or a babysitter, or call me. Just leave Mom alone. I'm sorry, I have to go. Kiss Gigi for me.
(She leaves, Chris hangs his head.) | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x06 - Norman Mailer, I'm Pregnant"} | foreverdreaming |
written by James Berg & Stan Zimmerman
directed by Matthew Diamond
transcript by Kristina Smith
[Elder Gilmore home: front door]
(Doorbell rings, maid answers the door.)
LORELAI: Oh, I'm late.
EMILY: I know.
LORELAI: Blame the insane people driving in front of me. They had a "honk if you love to scuba dive" bumper sticker on the back of their car, so I honked.
EMILY: You don't scuba dive.
LORELAI: Yes, but I've been testing people who have "honk" bumper stickers lately to see if they really want people to honk. Guess what? They don't. I lay on my horn, and this alleged scuba diver slows to a crawl in front of me just out of revenge, and I'm screwed.
EMILY: You need a hobby.
LORELAI: Yes, actually.
EMILY: Come on, Rory's waiting.
(They walk into the living room.)
RORY: Hey, what happened?
EMILY: She honked.
RORY: Oh, another bumper sticker test.
LORELAI: I just thought up a great idea for a reality show. You pull people over who have those "honk if you love whatever" bumper stickers, you kidnap them, and you make them do whatever the bumper sticker says they like to do, whether they do it or not. And then you make them eat bugs.
EMILY: So I hear you have a new boyfriend.
LORELAI (gasps): How did you - ?
RORY: Not from me.
EMILY: Don't jump on Rory.
LORELAI: How, Mom?
EMILY: Kirk told me.
RORY: Kirk?
LORELAI: Kirk who?
EMILY: How many Kirks do you know?
LORELAI: My Kirk? Stars Hollow Kirk? Kirk who hasn't started shaving yet, Kirk? How did you find out from him?
EMILY: I called the Inn looking for you, and Michel answered, but he was in the middle of some argument with the horse veterinarian. Then there was a cracking sound and the phone went d*ad. Then there was another man's voice saying "hello".
LORELAI: Kirk?
EMILY: Bob.
LORELAI: The gardener?
RORY: More twists than Oh Henry.
EMILY: He told me something in a heavy spanish accent, all while Michel was yelling at the vet in French -
LORELAI: I'll be, the UN erupts.
EMILY: Then Kirk came on. He was there delivering something. And when I told him I was looking for you, he said you were probably at your boyfriend Luke Danes' house. Now why were you hiding it from me?
LORELAI: I wasn't hiding it.
EMILY: You jumped on Rory when you thought she told me. You were hiding it.
RORY: She did not jump on me, Grandma.
LORELAI: Yeah, and I wasn't hiding it. The only reason I reacted to Kirk the way that I did is that he's not in this world, he's in my other world. It's as if I, out of the blue, told you I was having tea with Mrs. Van Uppity.
EMILY: Who?
LORELAI: Hortence Van Uppity, tight bun, lace collar, tiny poodle... fictional friend?
EMILY: You keep so much from me with these separate worlds of yours. It's not right.
LORELAI: I will try harder to merge the worlds. I promise.
EMILY: Well, start now. I want to meet this Luke Danes.
LORELAI: You've met him.
EMILY: Not in this capacity. I need to re-meet him.
LORELAI: Well, I'm sure that day will come.
EMILY: Next week.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: You have a gentleman friend of significance.
LORELAI: Rhett is my gentleman friend, yes.
EMILY: So it's only proper that you introduce him to your mother. Unless he's insignificant; I don't want to meet a passing ship. That's a waste of my time. Is Luke a passing ship? Is he insignificant?
LORELAI: No, he's not
EMILY: I'll get my book and we will pick a date next week.
LORELAI: Mom -
EMILY: Next week.
LORELAI: I -
EMILY: Next week.
(She goes to get her book.)
RORY: Honk if Emily Gilmore views your mind as her personal playground.
LORELAI: Honk, honk.
[Cut to opening credits.]
[Yale newspaper office.]
DOYLE: We eat it, we breathe it, it's our heart and lungs. What is it? The three basics: accuracy, accuracy, and accuracy. It's my head that went up on a platter, okay? So go the extra yard. Protect my head.
RORY: Headache, Doyle?
DOYLE: Charles Graw used to eat aspirin like candy. He ate candy like candy, too, hence the belly like jell-o. That was mean. The man's d*ad. So, how's the story coming? On that secret society.
RORY: The Life and Death Brigade. Get this. I've got a contact.
DOYLE: Inside?
RORY: Deep inside.
DOYLE: Who?
RORY: Anonymous. Don't ask again.
DOYLE: Your call.
RORY: I'm going to tell this story from the inside.
DOYLE: You'll be careful?
RORY: Careful enough.
DOYLE: Well, stay on it.
RORY: You bet.
DOYLE: I love this. We just had a very All the President's Men moment.
RORY: Very.
DOYLE: Moving around the newsroom like that, felt good.
RORY: Let's do it again sometime.
DOYLE: Now?
RORY: Might look silly.
DOYLE: Carry on.
RORY: Right, Chief.
[Luke's diner: interior]
CAESAR: There you are.
LANE: Club sandwich, burger well done, fries. Let me know if you need anything.
(She sees Zach hovering outside. Goes out to talk to him.)
LANE: Hey. What's up? You're acting all squirrelly.
ZACH: I'm ready now.
LANE: For what?
ZACH: To date.
LANE: Wow.
ZACH: That offer's still good, right?
LANE: Yeah, still good.
ZACH: Okay. So, we should pick a time.
LANE: Sure.
ZACH: How about now?
LANE: I'm kind of working.
ZACH: Right. How about tonight?
LANE: I've got band practice.
ZACH: Right.
LANE: And so do you.
ZACH: 'Cause we're in the same band. Okay. So, we'll figure it out.
LANE: We'll figure it out.
ZACH: Cool.
(Lane smiles.)
ZACH: See you at home.
LANE: Yeah, see you.
ZACH: Okay.
(Lane goes back into the diner. Lorelai is right behind her.)
LORELAI: Hey, Lane, how's it going?
LANE: Good, very good.
LORELAI: Oh, well, lucky you.
LUKE: Hey.
LORELAI: How dark is it?
LUKE: How dark is what?
LORELAI: The cumulus nimbus hovering over my head.
LUKE: Huh?
LORELAI: The black cloud. Was that a drop?
LUKE: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: I have some very bad news.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: My mother is insisting on having dinner with us.
LUKE: That's it?
LORELAI: Did you hear what I said? Mother, dinner, us? That's on a par with car, test, crash test dummy. Don't worry, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get us out of this. I promise.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: What do you mean, why?
LUKE: Let's just do it, get it over with. Meeting the parents comes with the territory. We can't put it off forever.
LORELAI: Oh yeah? My fourth grade teacher wanted a meeting with my parents. She was h*t by a bus six years ago. Never got the meeting.
LUKE: Book it.
LORELAI: Luke!
LUKE: Book it.
LORELAI: Okay. But I'm warning you. If I call and tell her, and then you change your mind and you want to back out, we're going to have to leave the country. And have extensive facial surgery, and sex changes. Both of us, so that we can, you know, kiss and not look funny.
LUKE: I'm not going to change my mind.
LORELAI: Okay, fine, I'll just call her now (pulls out her cell phone) - oh, whoa, what is happening? Something dark is happening here. It is heavy like iron. Oh, did you feel that ice cold wind that just passed through?
LUKE: Make the call.
LORELAI: I see d*ad people.
LUKE: Make the call.
(Lorelai dials the phone.)
[Elder Gilmore's house: exterior.]
(Luke and Lorelai get out of his truck and walk to the door.)
LUKE: This is a house?
LORELAI: This is a house.
LUKE: What a waste! See, this is what causes peasants to revolt. This is how heads end up on pikes.
LORELAI: Open with that. That's a great icebreaker. Now listen, I want you to be careful about your consumption of booze.
LUKE: I'm not going to drink too much.
LORELAI: No, no, no. You've got it backwards, there, Pablo. Ride the pink elephant, baby, 'cause it's your only defense against Emily Gilmore unless you're packing a Kolishnikov.
LUKE: Yeah, yeah. Shouldn't we ring the doorbell or something? (He rings the bell.)
LORELAI: Oh, a little strategy. (Picks up a plant stake and starts drawing in the dirt.) Here's the front door. We're here. Drink cart's here. It's knock, knock. Open the door. "Hi." "Hi." Turn left, veer right, past the couch, we're at the booze. Any questions?
LUKE: Uh, yeah. Shouldn't you get a massage or something?
LORELAI: Take off your coat.
LUKE: It's cold.
LORELAI: No, it's time consuming. Roll it in a ball and have it ready to hand off to the maid. Yeah.
(Maid opens the door.)
LORELAI: Hi, hello.
MAID: Hi, come in please.
LORELAI: Thank you. (Luke takes the plant stake.) Sorry.
MAID: Can I take your coats?
LORELAI: Yeah, got mine all ready.
(They enter.)
MAID: Alright.
LUKE: Here you go. I'm Luke.
MAID: I'm a maid.
LUKE: Yeah. Nice to meet you.
LORELAI: Oh, that was so sweet and innocent.
EMILY: Well, well, our honored guest. Welcome.
LORELAI: Mom, Luke. Luke, Mom.
EMILY: We've met, Lorelai. Several times.
LORELAI: Well, I was just "re-introducing" you, as per your instructions.
LUKE: Good to see you again, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Ah, no, it's Emily. I insist.
LUKE: Nice to see you, Emily.
LORELAI: Drinks?
EMILY: We're in the foyer.
LORELAI: Let's change that.
EMILY: Not if Luke wants a tour.
LORELAI (pointing): Oh, okay, well, foyer, staircase, upstairs, dining room, kitchen, weird piano area that we never really named, and right through here is the living room. (She goes.)
LUKE: Yeah, uh, I don't need a tour. Thanks.
EMILY: Well, then, let's go in the living room.
[Elder Gilmore house: living room.]
LUKE: Your house is beautiful.
EMILY: They don't make them like this anymore.
LUKE: I'll say.
EMILY: They make everything out of cardboard now. White boxes with heating vents.
LUKE: Yeah. The art of craftsmanship is d*ad.
LORELAI: Gin.
EMILY: Do you have Tourette's or something?
LORELAI: I'm sorry. I thought I heard you say what would I like to drink.
EMILY: I was getting there.
LORELAI: Gin martini, please.
EMILY: I already made a pitcher of martinis, but they're vodka.
LORELAI: Vodka's perfect. Double with a twist.
EMILY: So, two cold martinis with a twist, and Luke, how would you like a beer?
LUKE: Great.
LORELAI: Or maybe Luke would like to choose his own drink. That's a thought.
EMILY: Oh, yes, I'm sorry Luke. You can have whatever you like. I've got it all.
LUKE: Beer is perfect.
EMILY: Beer it is.
LORELAI: No, no, she's got everything. She's got scotch, she's got rum, she's got, uh, whiskey, she's got red wine, she's not kidding, she's got it all.
LUKE: Beer is perfect.
LORELAI: Okay, bring him a beer.
EMILY: Here we are.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: Thank you, Emily.
EMILY: The beer is nice and cold. I almost want one myself.
LUKE: Hey, uh, you can have some of mine if you want.
EMILY: So, how's that diner of yours?
LORELAI: Uh...
LUKE: It's doing great. No matter what the economic climate, people gotta eat.
EMILY: That is so true. And I thought your place was very charming. Nice and rustic. (Lorelai clears her throat.)
EMILY: Do you need a cough drop?
LUKE: She's fine.
EMILY: Where'd your martini go?
LORELAI: To a happy place.
EMILY: Do you want another?
LORELAI: Does Pavarotti want another donut?
EMILY: That's a yes?
LUKE: I'll pour it, Emily.
EMILY: Thank you, Luke. I should go check on dinner. Will you excuse me?
LUKE: Absolutely.
EMILY: Thank you. (She goes.)
LUKE: Unbelievable.
LORELAI: I know, she didn't make nearly enough.
LUKE: I meant you, you're acting crazy.
LORELAI: She's insulting you!
LUKE: No, she's not. Your mom's being great.
LORELAI: What? Were you in the room? Did you not hear the awful things she said?
LUKE: What did she say?
LORELAI: Rustic diner? Rustic?
LUKE: So?
LORELAI: Backhand slang for crap pile.
LUKE: Or she was admiring its vintage feel.
LORELAI: Oh, what was the other word she used?
LUKE: Charming?
LORELAI: Ah, slang for doggie poopy.
LUKE: Unbelievable.
LORELAI: Wait, wait, what was the beer thing? Oh my God!
LUKE: That was nice. I wanted beer, she was considerate enough to anticipate that that might be the case.
LORELAI: The word beer, backhand slang for nitwit juice.
LUKE: You're reading way too much into this.
LORELAI: Excuse me, but I would defer to the Gilmore expert here. I am the oracle. I carry all the knowledge.
LUKE: Well, I would like you to calm down, because you're making me nervous.
LORELAI: I'm trying to protect you.
LUKE: I'm a grown man, and this isn't my first foray into the big city. I've dealt with all types of people in my life. Rich, poor, snobby, proud. I can handle it.
LORELAI: But -
LUKE: And by you jumping in after everything your mother says, makes me look weak. And I don't want to look weak.
LORELAI: I don't want you to either!
LUKE: Well, then, give me my space, okay? Please.
LORELAI: Okay, I'll give you your space.
(Emily returns.)
EMILY: Dinner is going to be as good as it smells, I guarantee it.
LUKE: It smells wonderful, Emily.
EMILY: Thank you, Luke. It's nice to have a kind gentleman in the house.
LUKE: Thank you.
EMILY: So, you're recently divorced?
LUKE: Uh, yeah, I guess. Although, it depends on what you'd call recently.
EMILY: In the last year, you've been divorced in the last year, that would be recent.
LUKE: Uh, yeah. Yes.
EMILY: Terrible, the divorce rate, isn't it.
LUKE: Yes, it's terrible.
EMILY: I'm sure it was inevitable in your case.
LUKE: Turned out that way.
EMILY: I hope there weren't children.
LUKE: No.
EMILY: Divorce destroys children. But, without children, you're only harming yourself. Of course, nowadays people get married for fun. Apparently there's nothing good on TV.
(Luke looks at Lorelai with pain on his face.)
[Yale dorms: Rory's room.]
(Rory walks in and presses a button on her answering machine.)
DEAN'S VOICE: Hey. It's Dean. Uh, so, we were supposed to get together day after tomorrow, but I have to cancel - again. One day, I'm going to have one job, not three, which will simplify everything. I hope. Anyway, um, I was hoping we could somehow hook up tomorrow night, I forget if you have something going on, but I've got a three hour window, and I was thinking dinner or something. Maybe we can meet halfway between Yale and Stars Hollow. That probably puts us on the interstate, meaning the six ninety-nine surf and turf special, but hell, I'm a cheap date. Uh, so, not the most romantic get together for us, but something's better than nothing. Let me know. Bye.
(As she listens to the message, she notices an envelope taped to the outside of her window. She reaches out and opens it and reads this note: "Be in your vestibule at four tomorrow. Blindfolded. The LDB." She reaches into the envelope again and pulls out a blindfold.)
ANSWERING MACHINE: End of messages.
[Elder Gilmore's house: dining room.]
EMILY: Diners are generally so filthy. I'm sure yours isn't, but the horror stories you hear. I read that one in Vermont got caught serving roadkill. Do you know what that is?
LUKE: Uh, yeah, it's, uh, d*ad animals from the street.
EMILY: From the street, from the backyard, fished out of pools. These diners find it and serve it. Again, probably not yours. But the fact that this place got away with it at all is astounding. I guess people who frequent diners don't look too closely at what they're eating out of self defense.
LUKE: We don't serve roadkill at my place.
EMILY: Well good for you. (pause.) I had a friend who ate at a diner once and the next day she dropped d*ad. Her family considered suing the place but there's nothing to get from these people. A couple of stools and a toaster. But they were sure it was a matter of hygiene and they eventually drove them out of the state. I don't want to tell you what they found when they moved the stove. Would you like another beer, Luke?
[Elder Gilmore house: outside.]
(Emily is walking Lorelai and Luke out.)
EMILY: ... Opiate for the masses. Well, so what? We all have our opiates. For some it's valet, for Luke it's baseball. Whoever I heard say it just happened to say it about what Luke likes. Oh, no! Some workman has left his filthy truck in our clean driveway! Richard must have sent for him.
LUKE: Oh, that's mine, actually.
EMILY: Oh. Well, it's nice. Rustic. I like the color.
LUKE: Thank you.
EMILY: And I like this coat of yours, there's something nice about simple cloth.
LUKE: Thanks.
EMILY: Well, this was wonderful. Don't be a stranger, all right?
LUKE: I won't. Thank you, Emily.
EMILY: Goodbye. Bye, Lorelai. (She goes back inside.)
LORELAI: Bye, Mom.
LUKE: Thanks, again.
(The door closes.)
LUKE: You know what's amazing, I mean truly amazing.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: She never said anything directly bad about me or the diner or anything else concerning me.
LORELAI: She's good.
LUKE: And all I did was thank her. Over and over. She'd hammer me, and I'd thank her.
LORELAI: It's a talent.
LUKE: "Rustic" really did sound like crap pile that time.
LORELAI: Come on, babe. You'll feel better about halfway home.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: Then the eye-popping nausea will h*t you. The rich food mixes with the bitter memories and it all gets worse, and then it gets better.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: Until you get to Route 44, and then you h*t bottom.
LUKE: Good. Great.
LORELAI: I'll be ready with a tongue depressor to keep you from swallowing your tongue. I keep them in my purse. Step up.
[Yale dorms: vestibule.]
(Rory is standing blindfolded as other students walk by.)
LOGAN: Hey, Ace, you ready? (reaches around a corner and pulls her by the arm.)
RORY: Well -
[Black SUV: interior.]
(Rory sits blindfolded in the middle.)
LOGAN: h*t it!
FINN: Ah! Not so loud!
STEPHANIE: You're very auditorily sensitive today.
FINN: Oh, and your voice helps.
COLIN: Is the blindfold secure?
LOGAN: Secure and in place.
COLIN: Our anonymity's crucial, Logan. Crucial.
(Finn groans.)
RORY: What's wrong with Finn?
COLIN: Great job with the blindfold, Logan.
RORY: I recognized your voices, Colin.
FINN: Could everyone keep it down, please.
RORY: Can we remove the blindfold now?
LOGAN: We're also hiding our destination.
FINN: We had to leave at this ungodly hour.
RORY: It's four in the afternoon.
LOGAN: He's got a thing about the sun.
FINN: It's too bright.
RORY: So how come you're not wearing your gorilla masks?
COLIN: She can see.
RORY: I can tell because your voices aren't muffled.
STEPHANIE: She's sharp.
RORY: Who's the girl?
STEPHANIE: I've been told we've met. I've no memory of it.
RORY: Oh, Gorilla Girl.
STEPHANIE: Oh, well, isn't that a pretty nickname.
LOGAN: Oh, by the way, this thing's overnight.
RORY: Overnight?
LOGAN: Didn't I mention that before?
RORY: Oh, must have slipped your mind.
LOGAN: That doesn't screw up anything for you, does it?
RORY: No.
LOGAN: No?
RORY: Nope.
LOGAN: Hmm. Loose schedule. Good.
FINN: We like our schedules loose, like our women.
COLIN: Clever.
FINN: My God, it's early.
[Luke's diner: interior.]
(Phone rings.)
LUKE: Luke's.
VOICE: Good afternoon, I'm calling for Mr. Luke Danes.
LUKE: This is Luke Danes.
VOICE: Please hold for Mr. Gilmore.
LUKE: What? For who? Hello?
RICHARD: Luke? Richard Gilmore here.
LUKE: Uh, uh, hi, Richard. Mr. Gilmore, sir, how are you?
RICHARD: I'm fine, thank you. Listen, I thought we could meet for a round of golf, you and I.
LUKE: Golf?
RICHARD: Tomorrow afternoon's good for me.
LUKE: Uh-huh.
RICHARD: Is that good for you?
LUKE: Well, uh...
RICHARD: Good. I'll have Margie call you back with the details.
LUKE: ... Okay.
RICHARD: Wonderful, I look forward to it. See you at the club.
LUKE: Yeah, see you at the club.
(Richard hangs up. Luke looks in disbelief at the phone in his hand.)
[Woods. Cars are parked. The black SUV pulls up near a table with old-fashioned lanterns on it.]
FINN: This mountain air has revivified me. (Laughs and runs off.)
LOGAN: Make sure he doesn't run off a cliff.
COLIN: Stephanie, it's your turn.
STEPHANIE: Finn! You slow down! (Grabs a lantern and follows.)
LOGAN: You okay?
RORY: I smell trees.
LOGAN: Oh, nothing gets past you. (Grabs a lantern and leads Rory into the woods.)
RORY: So the f*ring squad is just up ahead?
LOGAN: Yup, and there's a line. Damn.
RORY: Seriously, Logan, is the blindfold coming off, or am I Patty Hearst-ing it the whole trip?
LOGAN: It's coming off. It's coming off right now. (Pulls it off.)
(Rory opens her eyes to see a camp full of white tents, candles & lanterns, and turn-of-the-century furniture.)
RORY: Oh, my.
[Dragonfly Inn: office]
LORELAI (on cordless phone): You cannot go golfing with my father.
LUKE: It's a done deal.
LORELAI: What is that man up to? What is he doing?
LUKE: Ouch.
[Cuts back and forth between Luke's office and Lorelai's office.]
LORELAI: What are you doing?
LUKE: I'm looking for a book my dad had somewhere around here. "Learn Golf the Arnold Palmer Way." I can't find it.
LORELAI: I beseech you. Do not go golfing with my father.
LUKE: It's too late. I said yes.
LORELAI: Why? Why did you say yes?
LUKE: I had no choice.
LORELAI: Well, saying no is a choice. Did you learn nothing from the dinner with my mother?
LUKE: Apparently not.
LORELAI: Call him and cancel.
LUKE: Right, and how would he take that?
LORELAI: Badly, that's why you just hang up real quick.
LUKE: And this is a good way to start a relationship with your father.
LORELAI: No, this is the way to end it. God, you're slow. Listen, call him and tell him that, um, when he called, you had just dropped some paoti, and you were tripping, and you were seeing vapors, and that's why you agreed, but then you landed and realized that you can't go. Wait, do you smoke paoti? We should get that straight before you call him.
LUKE: Backing out will make it worse.
LORELAI: But do you even know how to play golf?
LUKE: I took a course in summer school but I accidentally h*t Kent Calida in the head with a driver and got asked to leave, but I think I remember the basics. Grab the club, whack a ball. I'll fake it.
LORELAI: Luke -
LUKE: Don't worry, I'll be fine.
LORELAI (sighing): Okay. Fine then, bye.
(She hangs up, then dials another number. Scene cuts to Elder Gilmore pool house, exterior. Richard is putting.)
LORELAI: Hi, Dad. I need a favor. The biggest favor I may ever ask you for, ever.
RICHARD: I don't like the sound of this.
LORELAI: Please cancel this golf game with Luke.
RICHARD: What? No!
LORELAI: But why? Why are you doing this? What is the point?
RICHARD: How is this even your business?
LORELAI: He's my boyfriend.
RICHARD: And this is my right. Your mother already met him. At a secret dinner I only found out about because her blabbermouth maid told my valet. So now, I want to meet him.
LORELAI: But you've already met him.
RICHARD: Well I need to re-meet him.
LORELAI: Why can't you and mom meet someone once and make it stick?
RICHARD: I insist upon this golf game.
LORELAI: He doesn't even golf.
RICHARD: He said he did.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, he whacked Kent Calida in the head with a club, okay? So you're taking your life in your own hands. You want to reconsider now, huh? You like your head, huh?
RICHARD: Lorelai, tee time is set, Luke has said yes to my proposal, and tomorrow he and I are golfing.
LORELAI: Have fun.
RICHARD: This is not about having fun, this is protocol.
LORELAI: Well, have a good protocol, Dad. Bye. (hangs up.)
[Woods. Rory and Logan are walking among the tents.]
LOGAN: Is this what you expected?
RORY: No, not at all what I expected.
LOGAN: Let me guess what you were thinking: sleeping bag, flashlights, keg, three boxes of stale Triscuits, half eaten bag of Oreos, some Doritos and a bong.
RORY: That may be exactly what I pictured.
LOGAN: You can apologize later. This is yours. (Opens a tent.)
RORY: Mine?
LOGAN: Not much closet space, but the view's decent.
RORY: It's cozy. (She goes inside.)
LOGAN: Festivities start in half an hour. (He leaves.)
(Rory sits on the bed and pulls out her phone.)
RORY: Dean, hi. It's me. I got your call. I would love to have dinner with you tonight, but something unbelievably unexpected came up, and it's going to keep me busy for a couple of days. I'd give you more info, but it's all a little Dali-esque and hard to explain. I'll fill you in when I get home. If I get home. Just kidding. I hope. Bye. (She hangs up and pulls out her notepad. An owl hoots in the distance.)
[Lane's bedroom.]
(Lane is preparing for her date with Zach. She goes out and meets him in the living room.)
[Lane's living room.]
ZACH: Am I early?
LANE: Right on time.
ZACH: You look good.
LANE: Thanks, so do you. Have I seen those pants?
ZACH: I got them from the bottom of my drawer. I forgot I had them.
LANE: Cool. So what do you feel like doing?
ZACH: We could drive somewhere. We just have to stop for gas... and add some oil, and put some air in the tires, and we'd have to stop by an ATM.
LANE: Or we could hang out here.
ZACH: Sure.
LANE: Yeah.
ZACH: Okay! Cool. Let's get a pizza, and watch something, and just hang out.
LANE: Great! (She hands him her purse and jacket.) What do you want to watch?
ZACH: Want to finish watching what we started last night?
LANE: Yeah. Great. (They sit down, and Brian walks in.)
BRIAN: Hey, guys. Ooh, Stop Making Sense. Great. (He sits between them.) This is where we left off last night.
ZACH: What are you doing?
BRIAN: Watching TV.
ZACH: Uh, Brian, this is a date.
BRIAN: What?
ZACH: Lane and I are kind of on a date right now.
BRIAN: You are? But this is what we did last night.
ZACH: I know.
BRIAN: So, last night was a date, too?
LANE: That was not a date.
ZACH: I was in my underwear.
BRIAN: But we did exactly the same thing, you just had no pants.
ZACH: Well, we're kind of starting to date, and this is what we're going to do.
BRIAN: So, where do I go?
LANE: Well, how about my room?
BRIAN: Really? You never let me in your room.
LANE: Well, now's your chance.
BRIAN: Great!
ZACH: Wait, hold on. (To Lane.) Shouldn't we leave your room empty?
LANE: Why?
ZACH: You know, in case the date goes good?
LANE: Brian, go in my room.
BRIAN: Thanks! (Runs in.) Man, it smells good in here.
(Zach turns the movie back on.)
[Woods.]
(Rory comes out of her tent and sees everyone dressed in turn of the century clothes. She catches up to a couple.)
RORY: Hey. Rory Gilmore. Um, this is quite a soiree. Are all the Life and Death Brigade gatherings this elaborate? (They ignore her. She wanders over to a group of guys.)
GUY #1: How about (?) social stands?
GUY #3: Ridiculous. Total stand-still for all in his vicinity. What do you say?
GUY #4: I concur totally.
GUY #1: Crazy construct if you think for a bit.
GUY #2: Dubious logic if you ask this thoughtful guy.
RORY: Hello, everybody.
GUY #3: My God.
GUY #1: Shocking.
GUY #3: Silly girl. Not adjusting to this proud point of ours.
GUY #4: Sad, this diminishing vision.
RORY: Excuse me?
GUY #4: Full count is six, I say?
GUY #3: Six, no doubt. Ay, again I concur.
GUY #4: Point in fact, daft lady, to catch on would prompt our congratulations.
RORY: It's a game?
GUY #3: At which you totally fail.
GUY #4: You want for instruction?
RORY: Apparently.
GUY #4: Said gap ‘twixt ‘d' and ‘f' shall not slip from lips in any word this group allows.
RORY: Said gap ‘twixt ‘d' and ‘f' … you're not using the letter ‘e'?
GUY #4: Said this thing our group did banish.
GUY #1: Loud, for all to drink in!
GUY #3: Daft girl.
RORY: So, no one is supposed to say the letter ‘e'.
GUY #4: My God, this woman hounds us with this thing I banish.
GUY #3: Dumbfound.
RORY: Um, I'll catch up with you guys later. Have fun. If that's what you're doing. (She walks away.)
GUY #4: Bloody horror, that woman.
GUY #1: Ostracism should occur, I think.
(Rory wanders through the camp.)
RORY: Hi, Stephanie.
STEPHANIE: Oh, good, you're using ‘e's. No champagne?
RORY: No, I'll have a little later. So, is Logan the head of the group?
STEPHANIE: There's no head of the group, Rory. We're an anarchy collective, we don't recognize leaders per se. Plus it's a secret. I shouldn't be talking to you. (Hiccups.) Warning sign.
RORY: Because the way that people act around him, Logan kind of seems…
STEPHANIE: Cute?
RORY: No.
STEPHANIE: No?
RORY: Well, yes, but –
STEPHANIE: There's a line to get to him.
RORY: Oh, no, I'm not looking to get in a line. I'm a reporter.
STEPHANIE: Bet you're a good reporter. And a very good girl. Oh dear, I'm talking to you. I shouldn't be talking to you. I have to k*ll myself now – excuse me. (She walks away.)
(Rory walks up to another group of guys.)
RORY: Hi. Hi. Um, I was wondering. Is the safari thing something you always do, or do you choose different themes?
GUY: May I quote Max Ernst?
RORY: Sure.
(The group walks away.)
(Later: Rory is sitting under a tree in view of the camp. Logan walks toward her with a lantern and a plate.)
LOGAN: How goes it, pariah?
RORY: Logan?
LOGAN: Word was a bear dragged you off.
RORY: No bear, I just wanted a quiet place to collect my thoughts.
LOGAN: You found it.
RORY: Thanks, I've eaten.
LOGAN: Good. This is for me. Sorry you're not getting much from the group. Took a little arm-twisting to get them to agree to let you come in the first place.
RORY: I don't need their cooperation. I've already filled two notebooks without their cooperation. Half of one without using the letter ‘e', but I could use yours.
LOGAN: Way too much salt on this.
RORY: I mean, this is pretty incredible, but it's just a preamble to the big stunt tomorrow, right?
LOGAN: It's Finn, he's Australian. They like salt.
RORY: How do you pay for this? Are there dues, or do you chip in, is there alumni sponsoring it? How is it organized? And what is happening tomorrow? Is it just as big, or bigger? And do people know that you're here? Park Rangers, or the landowner? Where are we? Are we still in Connecticut? And your answer cannot include the word salt.
LOGAN: Okay. I think it's time to fill you in on the conditions of you being here.
RORY: Okay.
LOGAN: First, no pictures. (Holds up her camera.)
RORY: Hey!
LOGAN: Aw, you'll get it back at the end of the trip. Second, no names.
RORY: I'm not exactly being introduced to anyone as it is.
LOGAN: Third, no physical descriptions of any of us. There are authority figures up and down Connecticut trying to nab us for things we may have done in the past. Naughty things.
RORY: Keep you anonymous.
LOGAN: What number am I on?
RORY: Just at third.
LOGAN: Fourth, no identification of our location.
RORY: I don't know where we are.
LOGAN: Fifth.
RORY: You're going to run out of -ifths.
LOGAN: Most important condition of all. You must agree not to interfere with the integrity of the event.
RORY: What is the event, and how could I interfere?
LOGAN: So you agree?
RORY: Yes, I agree.
(The camp breaks into song.)
RORY: It's pretty.
LOGAN: It's drunk.
RORY: Well it sounds pretty. I like it.
LOGAN: I didn't say I didn't like it.
GIRL'S VOICE: Logan?
LOGAN: Yeah?
GIRL: You coming?
LOGAN: I'll be right there. (To Rory) I'll leave the light for you, Ace. I won't need it.
GIRL: Hurry up, darling.
LOGAN: Here I am.
[Lane's house: living room.]
ZACH (turning off the TV.): David Byrne is a freak.
LANE: I love him.
ZACH: He's totally cool.
LANE: So.
ZACH: So.
LANE: This was nice.
ZACH: Yeah.
LANE: I like your place.
ZACH (laughs): Hm, right.
LANE: I have to get up early for work tomorrow.
ZACH: No problem.
LANE: So I should probably…
ZACH: Oh, right, right.
(They get up, holding hands, he walks her to her door.)
LANE: Goodnight Zach.
ZACH: Goodnight.
(She opens the door, Brian is asleep on her bed.)
LANE: Oh, no.
ZACH: This is bad news. Once he hits his REM state, Motorhead wouldn't wake him.
LANE: What do I do?
(Zach goes in and tosses Brian over his shoulder.)
LANE: He really is asleep.
ZACH: He's gained a couple of pounds, too.
(He heads toward the bunk beds, then turns back to Lane.)
ZACH: Okay, well, I had a really good time.
LANE: Me, too.
(They kiss.)
LANE: Night, Zach.
ZACH: Night, Lane.
(She goes into her room.)
[Woods: morning.]
(Logan walks through the camp in a tux. Rory comes out of her tent.)
RORY: Another day, another sartorial surprise.
LOGAN: Start getting ready yourself.
RORY: I am ready.
LOGAN: Dressed like that?
RORY: Well, I didn't have the "it's an overnight thing" warning, so unless you want me to fashion something out of pinecones, this is it.
LOGAN: That clothing is going to interfere with the integrity of our event and you agreed not to interfere with the integrity of our event.
RORY: All I've got is a washbowl, a towel and a toothbrush.
LOGAN: Is that all you've got? Look again, Ace.
(Rory goes back into the tent and looks around. Under the bed she finds a large white dress box.)
[Golf course.]
(Luke is waiting nervously. Richard is doing the same. They take a minute to recognize each other.)
LUKE: Excuse me, Mr. Gilmore?
RICHARD: Luke?
LUKE: Yeah, hi.
RICHARD: I don't remember you being this tall.
LUKE: Sorry.
RICHARD: Oh, it's nothing to apologize about. Where are your clubs?
LUKE: Oh, I just figured I'd, uh, rent some.
RICHARD: Oh, waste of money. Owning's the thing.
LUKE: Right.
RICHARD: There is no better place than our pro shop.
LUKE: Great.
RICHARD: Let's go get you some clubs.
LUKE: Excellent.
[Woods: Outside Rory's tent.]
(Logan waits. Rory comes out in a pale blue ball gown.)
RORY: I got your event integrity right here, mister.
LOGAN: Yep. I got an eye for dress sizes. We go this way.
[A field.]
LOGAN: Come on, hurry.
RORY: You try running in a crinoline.
LOGAN: We're late.
RORY: For what? The ritual sacrifice?
(Everyone is standing, wearing tuxes and gowns, listening to a speech.)
EMCEE: I do declare here gathered, one hundred and eighth assembly of the honorable Life and Death Brigade.
(Rory and Logan sneak in, Finn hands her a glass of champagne.)
RORY: He's using ‘e's.
EMCEE: Please raise your glasses. In Omnia Paratus!
GROUP: In Omnia Paratus!
(They turn to their partners and feed each other their champagne.)
LOGAN: Now you might want to cover your ears.
(A large gong is uncovered behind them.)
RORY: Why?
(The emcee bangs the gong with a loud "clang". Everyone cheers and runs into the field,
LOGAN: And to think some groups just go bowling.
(Later: A game of polo. The men are carrying carts which hold the ladies, who are leaning out the side, hitting a ball with mallets. Rory watches from the side. She wanders over to another area, where some guys are playing another game. One jumps off a table sideways onto a landing mat while another sh**t at him with a paintball g*n.)
sh**t: Pull! (sh**t.) Pull!
SPECTATORS: Good sh*t! Pure skill!
RORY: Is this safe?
SPECTATORS: No.
sh**t: Pull! …Damn.
SPECTATORS: Blame the g*n. I would.
(Rory walks toward Logan and Finn, who are playing the same game further away.)
FINN: Pull! Pull! All right, I'm bored. I want to be a target.
LOGAN: You're always a target, Finn.
FINN: In Omnia Paratus.
LOGAN (sh**ting): You want to interview Finn, Ace, you should do it quick. Pull!
RORY: Not bad.
LOGAN: Thank you.
RORY: So is this your big stunt?
LOGAN: Big stunt?
RORY: According to my research, you guys always do one big thing at your gatherings.
LOGAN: Pull!
RORY: Is this it?
LOGAN: Does it look like it?
RORY: I'm guessing no.
LOGAN: You answered your own question. Pull! You'll know it when you see it.
RORY: Good.
(Two guys walk by carrying Finn on a stretcher.)
FINN: I missed the mat.
LOGAN: Again?
FINN: I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. In Omnia! (He swoons.)
(Logan laughs.)
[Golf course: Richard is teeing up. He takes a swing.]
RICHARD'S CADDY: You're on your game today, Mr. Gilmore.
RICHARD: Indeed I am.
LUKE'S CADDY: Indeed.
LUKE: Indeed.
RICHARD: I'm going to speak to the board about these grounds. There are dry spots the length and breadth of this fairway.
LUKE: Hm. Oh, I'm up. Okay. Let's see… I think this one is… (His caddy shakes his head) not the one I want at all, but this one here… (Takes the club the caddy hands him)
LUKE'S CADDY: Oh, good choice. Let's take the tag off there.
LUKE: Good idea. Okay, ball goes down here.
RICHARD: Ah.
(Luke swings.)
LUKE: Aw, damn.
RICHARD: No problem.
LUKE: It's heading toward the wrong hole.
RICHARD: It's just a Mulligan, son. Try it again.
LUKE: Golf isn't my thing, you know. It's definitely a thing, but not my game.
RICHARD: Well, what is your main hobby?
LUKE: Uh… (to caddy) Give me a hobby, quick.
LUKE'S CADDY: Uh, reading.
LUKE: Reading. I read like crazy.
RICHARD: Wonderful! What have you been reading lately?
LUKE: Uh, books. You know, this, that. Dick!
RICHARD: Dick?
LUKE: That Dick guy, science fiction guy, Dick something, something Dick… I just read one of his.
RICHARD: Well, I'll bring Dick up on the internet, see what comes up.
LUKE: Wish I could remember that name.
RICHARD: You better h*t your ball, son. We're stacking up. (Waves at the people behind them.)
LUKE: Right, yeah. Okay.
RICHARD: Just a second, guys, he's, uh, he's new.
(Luke swings.)
RICHARD: Not to worry, the cart's been dinged a thousand times.
LUKE: The guy driving it looked mad.
RICHARD: Not to worry. Let's go. (They start to walk.) So, have you put much thought into franchising?
LUKE: Franchising?
RICHARD: That diner of yours. Now is the time to jump. There are opportunities abounding in real estate right now.
LUKE: Eh, well, no, I haven't.
RICHARD: I'd concentrate on the eastern seaboard, first. Connecticut, New York, Massachusetts. I'd start with, uh, five to seven.
LUKE: Diners?
RICHARD: Something manageable. You'll need an investment banker, ah. Just ran into Herb Smith in the clubhouse, best banker in the business, I'll give him your number.
LUKE: Good.
RICHARD: So, once the first seven are a go, sh**t for the moon. National expansion. Set up a public corporation, issue an I.P.O.
LUKE: Yeah, sure. An I.P.O. Gotta set up one of those.
RICHARD: Have you ever gotten a straight razor shave?
LUKE: No.
RICHARD: Shaves you close, lasts for days. I'll give you my barber's card.
[Camp. Rory is looking up at a huge scaffold that has been set up in the field. Several people are standing on top holding umbrellas. Logan joins her.]
LOGAN: Hope you're thinking up superlatives.
RORY: What are they going to do?
LOGAN: What do you think they're going to do?
RORY: They're not going to jump.
LOGAN: Jump!
RORY: That's like seven stories! They'll die!
LOGAN: We're all going to die one day.
RORY: But those four are today.
LOGAN: Six.
RORY: I see four.
LOGAN: I'm heading up.
RORY: Of course you are.
LOGAN: And Finn was supposed to do it, but few of us figured he'd make it this far, so there's an extra space.
RORY: Hmm. (Looks up, then sees the way Logan's looking at her.) No!
LOGAN: And we're not going to die. No one in the Life and Death Brigade has ever died. Old ones have.
RORY: I am not going to jump!
SETH: We're all set.
LOGAN: This is Seth, he's the genius behind all this.
SETH: It's very safe. We did a dozen successful test drops, every potato came through without a scratch.
RORY: Potato?
LOGAN: You can't test using people, that'd be dangerous!
RORY: Look, thanks for the offer, but I'm here as a journalist. An observer. Journalists do not participate.
LOGAN: Since when?
RORY: Since forever.
LOGAN: George Plimpton never participated.
RORY: What?
LOGAN: His best stuff put him in the think of it. Fighting Sugar Ray Robinson, quarterbacking for the Lions, skating for the Bruins.
RORY: So he participated.
LOGAN: Bill Buford lived with soccer hooligans in amongst the thugs. Ernie Pyle was so deep in the action in World w*r II, he was k*lled by a Japanese sn*per, not that you gotta go that far.
RORY: Buford, Pyle. I know.
LOGAN: Richard Hottelet was four months in a n*zi prison working for the U.P. Hunter Thompson lived with the Hell's Angels. Got in the muck, didn't just orbit around it, and it drove his writing. He put you in those biker's parties. He put you in those biker's heads.
RORY: All right, all right, so, those guys participated. I got it, but I –
EMCEE: Jumpers to their places, please!
LOGAN: You're scared.
RORY: Well, yeah!
LOGAN: And that stops the greats?
RORY: It's stopping this great!
LOGAN: Come on, you look like you need a little adventure.
RORY: What does that mean?
LOGAN: You're just a little sheltered.
RORY: Why? Because I haven't spent time in a n*zi prison, been stomped on by hooligans and b*at up by Hell's Angels? And Plimpton got banged up pretty good too.
LOGAN: It'll be fun, it'll be a thrill. Something stupid, something bad for you. Just something different. (Rory smiles.) Isn't this the point of being young? It's your choice, Ace. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived.
RORY: Let's go.
LOGAN: Let's go!
RORY: But I am not a fan of ladders.
LOGAN: They scare the crap out of me, too.
(They climb the scaffold.)
RORY: High. We are very high.
LOGAN: I've been higher.
RORY: I meant distance from the ground.
LOGAN: That, too.
SETH: This is totally safe. And it goes with your outfit. Nice. (He wraps a band around her waist, which a line is connected to.)
RORY (pointing down at the crowd): Why do they look so worried?
LOGAN: We're low on champagne. You can back out, you know. No one's forcing you.
RORY: I know. (She grabs an umbrella.)
(The emcee is calling up in Latin.)
LOGAN: You trust me?
RORY: You jump, I jump, Jack.
CROWD: In Omnia Paratus!
LOGAN: I really should have confirmed that those potatoes were okay.
(He grabs her hand and they jump. The crowd cheers as they land safely.)
SETH: Oh, thank God.
LOGAN: You did good, Ace!
RORY: Once in a lifetime experience!
LOGAN: Only if you want it to be.
[Dragonfly Inn.]
LORELAI: (To customers) All right, thanks. (The phone rings.) Good afternoon, Dragonfly Inn.
LUKE: I franchised my place.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: The diner. There's going to be seven of them, and that's just on the eastern seaboard. Then, I'm going national.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
LUKE: Your father wants to open up a chain of Luke's Diners, and I think I agreed to it.
LORELAI: No!
LUKE: I've already got a marketing guy, Herb's my banker, your father is taking care of all my insurance needs, and apparently, everyone is going to be able to buy stock!
LORELAI: Ugh! My parents, my stupid parents!
LUKE: And he wants to shave me.
LORELAI: Shave what?
LUKE: I don't know, he just kept talking about shaving me, and I'm tipsy. We h*t the club bar, and I didn't want to sound dumb and just order a beer because it's nitwit juice, so I had what your dad was having which was whiskey something – more whiskey than something, let me tell you, ‘cause I can't even see straight.
LORELAI: Aw, you poor thing.
LUKE: And I've got an art dealer now.
LORELAI: No!
LUKE: I'm driving to Manhattan next week to look at some Diebenkorns. What's a Diebenkorn?
LORELAI: I don't know.
LUKE: Oh, and I bought some golf clubs, they cost the same as a car.
LORELAI: Where are you now?
LUKE: I'm at the driving range, your dad's making me practice for next time.
LORELAI: No! Leave! You do not need to practice.
LUKE: Oh, and I sort of implied that I'm fond of the Greeks, so I have to read the Iliad and the Odyssey so we can chat about it, and can we not hang out with your parents for a very long time?
LORELAI: For a very long time.
LUKE: I mean, I don't hate them.
LORELAI: Leave the driving range at once.
LUKE: I don't think I can drive.
LORELAI: Honey, have some coffee and then come home.
LUKE: The Diebenkorn guy is still in there.
LORELAI: You stay away from the Diebenkorn guy.
LUKE: He's chatting with my rare coin guy.
LORELAI: Just do not go back in the clubhouse. Go straight to your car.
LUKE: Okay. I like the valet guys.
LORELAI: Good, now go.
LUKE: I'm going.
(She hangs up.)
[Elder Gilmore's pool house: at the door.]
EMILY: Why would you go golfing with that man? Why on earth?
RICHARD: Who, Luke?
EMILY: You are encouraging this ridiculous relationship.
RICHARD: Emily, please.
EMILY: He is not good enough for Lorelai, or to be Rory's stepfather! God forbid!
RICHARD: Can we be a little more of a snob, Emily?
EMILY: The fact that you paraded him around the club. Our club!
RICHARD: It happened to be a fruitful outing. I am going to assist him in franchising his diner.
EMILY: Richard! That hurts-out-loud is not capable of running a complex business!
RICHARD: Well, that's obvious, Emily! That's why he will have no significant role, he will be the frontman! We'll shave him, stick his picture on the menus. The whole thing will, hopefully, bestow some credibility on him. At least then, if this insane relationship between him and Lorelai continues, we can legitimately take him to places like the club. At least, on holidays.
EMILY: This is absurd. You're absurd, the whole thing's absurd.
RICHARD: And you're not thinking ahead. Excuse me. (He goes inside.)
[Yale dorms; Rory's bedroom.]
(Rory is going over her notes when her phone rings.)
RORY: Hi.
LORELAI: Are you typing?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Yes, you are. I thought we agreed you wouldn't type while we talk.
RORY: Gotta break the rule just this once, I'm in a rush. It's been a crazy couple of days.
LORELAI: Oh, school?
RORY: Paper. Long story, I'll fill you in in person. Where are you off to?
LORELAI: Luke's! I have to un-stress him after his unhappy Gilmore outing. Dad tried to take over his whole life. He wants to franchise Luke's.
RORY: You're kidding.
LORELAI: Hey, do men shave anywhere except their faces?
RORY: I don't know, I've never lived with a man.
LORELAI: Same here.
RORY: Well, if he does franchise the diner get him to put one near Yale. I miss those burgers.
LORELAI: He's not franchising.
RORY: Hey, can I ask you a question?
LORELAI: Sure.
RORY: Do you think I'm too scared?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Too scared, too timid. Do I take enough chances?
LORELAI: What kind of chances?
RORY: I don't know, life chances.
LORELAI: I think you do.
RORY: I'm not a mouse?
LORELAI: Where is this coming from?
RORY: I don't know, just something I've been thinking about lately. (She hears a knocking.) Someone's at the door. Um, say hi to Luke for me.
LORELAI: If he's out of comatose. By, honey.
RORY: Bye.
(She opens the door and finds a gorilla mask, a bottle of champagne and her camera. She looks through the sh*ts on her camera, and sees pictures of her and Logan jumping. She smiles and closes the door.) | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x07 - You Jump, I Jump, Jack"} | foreverdreaming |
written by James Berg & Stan Zimmerman
directed by Matthew Diamond
transcript by Kristina Smith
[Elder Gilmore Pool House: terrace]
LORELAI: I smell meat, is that meat?
VALET: Why, yes, miss, it is meat.
LORELAI: Oh, he called me miss. There's meat and a miss, I'm happy.
RORY: What's the occasion?
RICHARD: Well, I thought we might like some appetizers with our cocktails tonight.
LORELAI: Would we ever.
VALET: The first batch is ready, sir.
RICHARD: Wonderful, on the table please.
LORELAI: Mm, God it smells good.
RORY: I love a good steak on a stick.
RICHARD: Me, too.
RORY: We should form a club.
LORELAI: Steak-On-A-Stick club.
RICHARD: We could have t-shirts made up.
RORY: Grandpa, I've never seen you wear a t-shirt.
RICHARD: Well, I've just never found a proper occasion.
LORELAI: Hmm. To the proper occasion. [They toast.]
RICHARD: I'll drink to that.
EMILY [storming in]: I knew I smelled something, you're barbecuing!
RICHARD: So what?
EMILY: So what? The agreement was the girls have drinks with you and dinners with me!
RICHARD: We are having drinks. Drinks and appetizers.
EMILY: Those are not appetizers! Those are skewers!
LORELAI: Little skewers.
RORY: Little tiny skewers.
EMILY: This is not tiny! [She rips a skewer from Lorelai's hand as she's about to bite.]
LORELAI: Mom, that's mine!
EMILY: This is a main course and a cheap way of cheating me out of my dinner.
RICHARD: You are the most paranoid woman I've ever met.
EMILY: I highly doubt that.
RICHARD: You were the one who designated the drinks portion of the evening to me.
EMILY: You love drinks.
RICHARD: Drinks last one hour at most. Then you get the dinner portion, which can last several hours. Especially the way you structure things. You get more time. I should at least be able to serve appetizers with my drinks.
EMILY: Fine. I'll leave. Have you drinks and your appetizers. [Points at
RORY and Lorelai.] You two better be hungry when you get inside, or else! [Leaves.]
LORELAI [whispers, mimicking]: Or else!
RORY: Sounds serious.
LORELAI: So, one more?
RORY: Well, two more at the most.
LORELAI: Yeah, 'cause she was really mad.
RORY: Mm-hmm.
[Elder Gilmore house: dining room]
[Awkward silence.]
EMILY: Something wrong?
LORELAI: No, why, why?
EMILY: You're not eating.
LORELAI: No, I am eating.
EMILY: You've taken two bites.
LORELAI: Two really big bites.
EMILY: Rory's taken none.
RORY: I did, you just missed it.
EMILY: You're full.
LORELAI: No!
EMILY: He can't stick to a simple agreement! He makes deals all the time in business, but "drinks there, dinner here", somehow that's too difficult for him to manage.
RORY: He was just -
EMILY: He was trying to upstage me. He was trying to make his part of the evening the "fun" part. He's a child. A spoiled four-year-old. I should take his dump truck away and send him to bed without supper. Or, as he calls it, appetizers.
LORELAI: Mom, seriously, we are starving. Look. Mmm, wow. [To Rory] Eat some carrots, eat some carrots.
RORY [weakly]: Carrots. Delicious.
EMILY: Well, if you're both that hungry, you must want more. Olga! Good timing! The girls are famished. Load 'em up.
[Olga serves up more food. A cell phone rings.]
EMILY [scolding]: Lorelai!
LORELAI: What? It's not me!
RORY: It's me, Grandma. I'm sorry. [Checks caller ID] I have to take this. Promise I'll be quick. [She gets up to leave.] Hello? Hi. No, now's fine.
EMILY: Who's she talking to?
LORELAI: How should I know?
EMILY: Well, you're the one who taught her to leave her cell phone on at the dinner table.
LORELAI: That's for safety, Mom. In case someone forces her to eat five chickens and she has to call 911.
EMILY: She's talking to a boy, isn't she?
LORELAI: I don't know.
EMILY: She certainly sounds like she's talking to a boy. Does she have a new boyfriend?
LORELAI: Mom!
EMILY: Did she finally meet someone at Yale?
RORY: I don't know.
EMILY: Oh, of course you know!
LORELAI: Because I'm the one who taught her to leave her cell phone on at the dinner table?
RORY [coming back in]: Sorry, Grandma. That won't happen again.
EMILY: That's all right. So, who were you talking to?
RORY: Dean, you remember Dean?
EMILY: The boy who made you the car?
RORY: Yep.
EMILY: I didn't know you were still seeing him.
RORY: Umm, well, we got back together recently.
EMILY: Really? Well, that's a surprise, isn't it, Lorelai?
LORELAI: I know. I'm floored!
RORY: He's been working crazy shifts lately and I've had so much schoolwork that we keep missing each other, so I told him to call me tonight.
EMILY: Well thank you for telling me. I'm just glad I got to hear it from you and didn't have to pick it up on the street somewhere.
LORELAI: 'Cause you hang out on the street so often, Mom, you and Melrose Larry Green.
EMILY [Glares at Lorelai, then turns to Rory]: So, are you happy with this
DEAN?
RORY: Yes, I am.
EMILY: Well, good. Now eat up, we have the fish course coming.
LORELAI: Fish course?
EMILY: Yes, Olga makes a mean pickled herring.
LORELAI: Oh. Well. What a delightful skill.
[Elder Gilmore house: exterior]
[Rory and Lorelai walk sluggishly out of the house.]
RORY: Grandma's mean.
LORELAI: If it flew, swam or crawled on this earth we just ate it.
RORY: I can't breathe. [Lorelai pinches her.] Ow! What was that for?
LORELAI: 'Cause you told my mother about Dean.
RORY [rubbing her arm]: What do you mean?
LORELAI: Well, I was totally covering for you with the phone call, and then you waltz back in and just tell her?
RORY: My arm is swelling up!
LORELAI: You were totally off the hook. I was very skillfully covering for you. Well, not skillfully, but there was a certain aplomb to my evasiveness.
RORY: I'm not going to lie to Grandma about Dean. Why should I?
LORELAI: Because she's her.
RORY: Mom, I am with Dean. She's already met him, Grandpa's already met him, what is the problem besides this permanent welt on my arm?
LORELAI: All right, fine. [sighs] You know, I'm actually hungry.
[Pool house. A knock on the door. Richard goes to answer it.]
EMILY: We need to talk. [She walks in, uninvited.]
[Opening credits.]
[Luke's Diner. Lane is refilling the coffee pot.]
LANE [to Luke]: The man at table three wants to send an orange juice to the woman at table four.
LUKE: As long as he's paying.
LUKE [To Liz, reading a paper at the counter]: If someone who wants to eat comes in here...
LIZ: I'm outie, I got it.
LORELAI [Coming in]: Hey, Lane.
LANE: Hi! Oh, potential hookup at table four!
LORELAI: Oh, wow, diner love. "Over easy" takes on a whole new meaning. [Sits at the counter next to Liz.] Hey, Liz!
LIZ: Hey!
[They hug, genuinely happy to see each other.]
LORELAI: I didn't know you were back!
LIZ: Yeah, just cruised in.
LORELAI: Well how are you? How's TJ?
LIZ: He's great. He's gotten taller.
LORELAI: I'm so glad to hear it.
LIZ: So you and my brother, uh?
LORELAI: Yeah, well...
LIZ: I'm so jazzed. I want private details.
LUKE: Tell her nothing.
LORELAI: Really, nothing? Not even about your Canadian mountie hat?
LUKE: Liz, you have been sitting there for over an hour.
LIZ: I know. I'm almost done.
LORELAI: Whatcha doing?
LIZ: TJ and I are thinking about buying a winter place, you know, something nice for when the Renaissance Fair season's over.
LORELAI: You're moving to Stars Hollow?
LUKE: No.
LIZ: Thinking about it. There's some great places for sale around here.
LUKE: They're not for sale, they've all been sold.
LIZ [ignoring him]: Plus there's a few stores around here that are willing to sell my jewelry on consignment. And I'd like a house, you know, with a fence and a lawn...
LUKE: No lawns in Stars Hollow, we had them taken out.
LIZ: Hey, how much did you pay for your house?
LUKE: Oh, don't ask her that. You can't ask people questions like that.
LIZ: Why not?
LUKE: 'Cause you can't! [To Lorelai] Don't tell her how much you paid for your house. [To Liz] You don't want to live here.
LIZ: Yes I do.
LUKE: It's too quiet for you.
LIZ: I like quiet.
LUKE: You do not like quiet. TJ does not like quiet. He likes monster trucks, and baboons that get really mad at the zoo.
LIZ: That's true, he does like that.
LORELAI: Luke, stop. You're going to like living so close to your family.
LUKE: Yes, I've seen how much you enjoy living so close to yours. What can I get you?
LORELAI [Looks at the menu]: Hmm. Nothing looks good.
LUKE: I'll make you a burger.
LORELAI: I don't want a burger.
LIZ: Make her your gumbo. Oh, he makes the most amazing gumbo.
LORELAI: You make gumbo?
LIZ: And great Mexican food.
LORELAI: Really?
LIZ: Makes his own tortillas.
LUKE: Gotta make your own tortillas. The ones in the package are crap.
LIZ: And garlic soup, and paella... He was really into lasagna for a while, got obsessed. Made hundreds of lasagnas trying to find the perfect recipe. He wore an apron -
LUKE: Okay! Liz, you don't even live here yet.
LIZ: Fine. I gotta bail anyhow. TJ's meeting me at the realtor's office.
LORELAI, it was great seeing you again.
LORELAI: You too!
LIZ: Later, bro.
LUKE: Uh-huh.
[Liz leaves.]
LORELAI: You've been holding out on me.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Um, paella, gumbo, lasagna king?
LUKE: You know, I have many talents, okay?
LORELAI: I know. I mean, the way you keep that mountie hat perfectly balanced the entire time we're -
LUKE: Okay, so, if you keep making mountie hat jokes, you're going to eventually believe that there's an actual mountie hat.
LORELAI: Well, I'm very impressed. Or at least I would be, if I had any proof of these extraordinary cooking skills of yours.
LUKE: Okay. I'm going to cook you the most amazing meal of your life.
LORELAI: This weekend?
LUKE: Stop making the mountie jokes and you're on.
LORELAI: Deal. Blueberry muffin to go?
LUKE: You got it. [He gets the muffin. She's looking at him strangely.] You're still picturing me in a mountie hat, aren't you?
LORELAI: Uh-huh.
LUKE: How do I look?
LORELAI: Mm, I'll tell you this weekend.
[She leaves, Kyon enters. Lane rushes over.]
LANE: You cannot put those flyers here! I'm surprised that my mother told you that you could, but you can't! So, go stand on a street corner like I had to do, ages six through fourteen! [Kyon just stands there.] Go! What?
KYON: I'm so hungry.
LANE: What?
KYON: It's flaxseed muffin month. Flaxseed muffin in the morning, flaxseed muffin at night. I'm having trouble lifting my toothbrush.
LANE: Okay, come here.
KYON: Not fast, please.
LANE: Sit.
KYON: She made a lot of food with flaxseed. It lasts a very long time.
LANE [Sets down a plate of fries]: There.
KYON: What's this?
LANE: Fries.
KYON: But Mrs. Kim, she says that fries are the devil's starchy fingers.
LANE: They're hot and delicious and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
KYON: But they are a gateway food. They lead into harder things. Pizza, movie popcorn, deep fried Snickers bar...
[Lane waves the fries under her nose.]
KYON: Oooh. [takes a bite.] Oh, my.
LANE: Welcome to America.
[Yale: cafeteria.]
RORY: So now I've got three days to do this comparative religion paper, and the teaching fellow who runs our group spends all his time explaining to us how much he disagrees with the professor, and - what are you looking at?
PARIS: That guy over there is staring at me.
RORY: Which guy?
PARIS: The one in the Santa Claus red sweater.
RORY: Professor Prady?
PARIS: Shh! He'll hear you.
RORY: You think Professor Prady is looking at you?
PARIS: He is more than looking at me. God, this is so annoying. Ever since word leaked out about me and Asher, every faculty member over fifty thinks I'm easy.
RORY: Paris, I don't think Prady's hitting on you.
PARIS: You are so naive. He's practically licking his lips. You sleep with one old guy, and suddenly you're Catherine Zeta-Jones.
[Rory's phone rings.]
RORY: Hello?
EMILY: Rory, it's your grandmother.
RORY: Oh, hey, Grandma.
EMILY: Your grandfather is here also.
RICHARD: Hello, Rory. How are you?
RORY: Fine, Grandpa, and you?
RICHARD: We're wonderful, thank you for asking.
EMILY: Rory, we're sorry to bother you at school, but next Friday your grandfather and I agreed to host a little Yale alumni event at our house.
RICHARD: It completely slipped our minds the other night.
EMILY: So we'll have to cancel our usual Friday night dinner.
RORY: Oh. That's okay.
EMILY: However, we were wondering if maybe you'd like to come.
RORY: Me?
RICHARD: The alumni always like to meet the next generation of Elis, and plus, we'd love to be able to show you off to all of our friends, wouldn't we, Emily?
EMILY: Yes, we would!
RICHARD: You might even make a few connections that could come in handy somewhere down the road.
EMILY: Please come! We'd hate to miss our weekly Rory fix. And I promise you, there won't be any chicken.
RICHARD: Or steak on a stick. [They laugh, the whole conversation sounds very rehearsed.]
RORY: Well, sure. I'd love to come.
RICHARD: Wonderful. Your grandmother and I are thrilled.
RORY: Is it fancy? What should I wear?
EMILY: Oh, just pick out a pretty little dress.
RICHARD: And bring that face.
RORY: Well, the face comes with the package.
EMILY: Oh, and I know you usually come at seven, but could you make it at six instead?
RORY: Six is fine.
RICHARD: We'll see you Friday.
RORY: See you Friday. [She hangs up.]
PARIS: What's going on Friday?
RORY: My grandparents are having a party.
PARIS: Damn it. [She gets up.] Dean Treadwell just came in. He's been throwing sex daggers out his eyes at me all week. [She picks up her plate and leaves. Rory turns around and sees a feeble-looking old man with a cane entering.]
[Luke's diner.]
LANE: Chili fries, extra cheese and onions.
KYON: Thank you. [Folds her hands.]
LANE: Didn't you just say grace?
KYON: Yes, but that was for the soda.
LANE: Kyon, tip, if you pray over every single thing you eat you might never be able to leave the table. Breakfast will run into lunch which will run into dinner.
KYON: I'm telling God I'm thankful!
LANE: He gets it. Do a blanket thank you and move on.
[Zach bursts in.]
ZACH: We've got free passes to Tory's band on Saturday.
LANE [excited]: No! Seriously?
ZACH: Totally seriously. All we have to do is carry the equipment and we are in.
[Lane shrieks and jumps on him.]
ZACH: Okay, cool, you're jazzed. So I'll tell him it's a go?
LANE: It's a total go.
ZACH: You free for dinner tonight?
LANE: We'll discuss it when I get home.
ZACH: Okay. Bye.
LANE: Bye.
[Zach leaves, while Liz and TJ enter.]
TJ: Ladies and gentlemen, I am in escrow.
LUKE: You're what?
TJ: I am in escrow, I've got the paperwork to prove it.
LUKE: What is he talking about?
LIZ: We bought a house!
TJ: Beautiful. White.
LUKE: You just started looking.
LIZ: I know, we bought the first home we saw.
LUKE: Oh, Liz.
LIZ: No, I'm telling you, I walked into this place, and just felt it.
LUKE: Felt what?
LIZ: The vibe.
TJ: That's right, she felt the vibe and now I'm in escrow.
LUKE: Did you at least have an inspector look at this place?
TJ: Hey, we don't need some guy with a clipboard to tell us what we already knew, which was this white house was for us!
LIZ: Please don't be worried about this, the place is great.
TJ: It's on a corner, it's got room for a pool, it's air-conditioner ready, it's, uh, landscaper ready, it's lawn ready, and it's got three bedrooms, if you build on two.
LUKE: It's got a roof, right?
TJ: Of course it's got a roof. And as soon as we replace it it won't leak as much.
LIZ: Just be happy, okay?
LUKE: Oh, sure.
TJ: That's right, buddy, smile, man, 'cause I'm in escrow! [yells out] Coffee! On the house! You like that, on the house?
LUKE: You're paying for coffee for the entire diner?
TJ: What am I, made of money? I'm in escrow! Throw in the coffee, buddy, we're celebrating.
LANE: I got it.
LIZ: You're not really bugged we're moving here, are you?
LUKE: Does he even know what escrow means?
LIZ: I doubt it, but he's so happy.
TJ [High-five-ing strangers]: I'm in escrow. [To Kyon] Give it up, sister, I'm in escrow.
[Yale: Rory is walking the halls talking on her cell phone.]
RORY: So, you're off the hook.
LORELAI: Off the hook, for what?
RORY: Friday night. Grandma and Grandpa are having a party for their Yale alumni friends.
LORELAI: Really? This is news!
RORY: So you're free as a bird.
LORELAI: Wo-ow, Friday night without my mother! I don't know if I can deal! You might have to come over and force-feed me pickled herring and tell me what a disappointment I am. Hey, you want to go to the movies?
RORY: Can't, I'm going to the party.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: They asked me to.
LORELAI: Huh. Okay. I can get you out of it.
RORY: Mom -
LORELAI: Whoop, hold on, just a moment. Let me formulate a plan.
RORY: I don't need to formulate a plan, I want to go.
LORELAI: You don't want to go, you feel obligated to go. That's very different.
RORY: Mom, they're giving the party together.
LORELAI: Ooh, I got it. Transfer to Harvard, then you won't be invited.
RORY: Are you listening?
LORELAI: Rory, they're just manipulating you.
RORY: Yes! Exactly! Them. Both of them, together. They called me together. They were on the speakerphone together, which means that they were in the same room, at the same time, together.
LORELAI: So what you're saying is, they were together?
RORY: Exactly!
LORELAI: Whose antennae are up besides mine?
RORY: Maybe they made up.
LORELAI: They would have told us.
RORY: They didn't tell us they broke up.
LORELAI: Yes, but that's because it looked bad. They didn't tell people I was pregnant 'till my eighth month. My mother kept getting numbers for fat farms from her friends.
RORY: They sounded so happy. They sounded like they used to.
LORELAI: Are you sure you want to go?
RORY: I'm sure.
LORELAI: All right. Don't let Grandpa and his cronies make you sing Whiffenpoof songs all night.
RORY: I won't.
LORELAI: Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to see you on Friday.
RORY: Well, how about I come by after? I can stay the night and then you can take me shopping on Saturday.
LORELAI: Ah, the lucky girl.
RORY: Okay. Bye.
[Stars Hollow street: newsstand.]
ZACH: Hey, Amir! Where's this month's Guitar magazine? I wasn't done reading it yet.
AMIR: You buy it, then you read.
ZACH: What kind of bogus system is that?
AMIR: It's the bogus system called this is a magazine stand, where people come to buy, not hang out and read for free!
ZACH: That's a long freaking name for your bogus system, buddy.
[Mrs. Kim storms across the street.]
MRS. KIM: You! You dirty, filthy devil boy! You will pay for this. You will burn in hellfire for this! You will swim in the sludge with Satan's hell-dogs, and feed them your innards for eternity!
ZACH: Ah, is this about the magazine?
MRS. KIM: She's an innocent girl. And you are a wild pig of filth! I know! I know all you do! You think you can hide from me? That you can carry on your dirty, filthy schemes without me finding out?
ZACH: I'm really, really lost right now.
MRS. KIM: I heard about it! Kyon told me. She told me about your hands on
LANE. You put your hands on Lane! My Lane! And before God, I swear that you will be punished. Because that is what happens to all swine that walk up tall!
[She storms away, leaving Zach bewildered.]
[Doose's storage room.]
DEAN: Okay. So, we have today for your dining pleasure a choice of sandwiches. All fairly fresh, though slightly dented so as to afford me the eighty percent employee discount that Taylor throws in with the paycheck.
RORY: He's a heck of a humanitarian, that Taylor.
DEAN: Ah, we have a battered chicken salad, a bruised tuna salad, a ham that survived the creamed corn as*ault of 2004, and something grey.
RORY: Toss that.
DEAN: Gotcha.
RORY: Well, this is a very nice spread you've assembled here.
DEAN: Well, when you're dating an Ivy League girl, you have to pull out all the stops. Chip pieces? [offers her a bag]
RORY: Yes, please.
DEAN: I'm glad we got to do this today.
RORY: Me too.
DEAN: We haven't been able to see each other much lately.
RORY: Well, we're here now, right?
DEAN: Yeah. Right.
RORY: Hey, did you ever read my story?
DEAN: Which story?
RORY: The one about the Life and Death Brigade.
DEAN [hesitates]: Uh, yeah, I did.
RORY: You like it?
DEAN: I did like it. I like everything you write.
RORY: Do you think I painted the picture interestingly enough? Because I tried to be objective, to a certain extent, but it is a feature piece, so I wanted to have some human spark, you know?
DEAN: I thought it was good.
RORY: Nothing specific, though?
DEAN: Hey, you're the writer. I can't critique these things. I just know that I read it and I was interested.
RORY: Well that's what counts. [pauses awkwardly.] Okay, so, let's talk about tonight.
DEAN: Let's talk about tonight.
RORY: Okay. I'm going over to my grandparent's at six. I figure I'll go in, make the rounds, say hello, eat a cheese puff, then you can meet me outside the house at eight-thirty and we can h*t a movie in Hartford or something.
DEAN: I don't want you ducking out of your grandparent's party early if it's going to be a big thing.
RORY: Hey, don't you want to get together with me?
DEAN: You know I do.
RORY: Okay then. No more talk, it's settled. Eight-thirty, out front, I'll be the one in the party dress with the jeans and a purse. I'll have to take a pretty big purse, but desperate times call for desperate actions. Deal?
DEAN: Deal.
RORY: How long have we got?
DEAN: Uh, fourteen minutes till my lunch break's over.
RORY: Okay then. Cheers.
[Luke's apartment: Luke goes to open the door. Lorelai is wearing a french maid's apron.]
LORELAI: Bonjour.
LUKE: What's all this?
LORELAI: This is as close as you're going to get to me cleaning up tonight. Hi.
LUKE: Hi.
[They kiss.]
LORELAI: Man, something smells crazy good in here. Oh my God, what are you making?
LUKE: Lamb and artichoke stew, penne with pesto and potatoes, roasted garlic with rosemary focaccia, tomatoes stuffed with bread crumbs and goat cheese, and ricotta cheesecake with amaretto cookies to go with your coffee.
LORELAI: You're the perfect man.
LUKE: Thank you.
LORELAI: I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer, but it's not. It's you.
LUKE: Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer. You want some wine?
LORELAI: Yes, please. [digging through a bag she brought with her.] Okay, so I brought a little ambience [pulls out candlesticks] and a little Clooney.
LUKE: George?
LORELAI: Rosemary. Oh my God, this is so great. I mean, besides the fact that it's an evening of you, it's also the first Friday in many many moons that I'm not at my parent's house and that knowledge is giving me a really warm, fuzzy feeling right about now. Meaning that if, by some chance, your meal winds up sucking, I might not even notice.
LUKE: Excellent to know. [Hands her a glass of wine.] To the warm and fuzzies.
LORELAI: Perfect.
[a bell rings in the kitchen.]
LUKE: Oh, I'm down to the artichokes.
LORELAI: You know, it may have choked Artie, but it ain't going to choke me. Some Little Rascals humor there for ya.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: You know? You are the perfect man.
[Elder Gilmore's house. Servants are rushing about getting things ready for the party.]
EMILY: Just move them so people can navigate around them comfortably. Not that far apart, not that far apart! Good Lord, if someone needs that much room to get around a chair they shouldn't be at a party, they should be on a treadmill.
RORY: Hey, Grandma.
EMILY: Rory! Oh, look at you! Will you look at her? [yells at a servant] I said look at her! Isn't she beautiful?
SERVANT: Yes, very beautiful.
EMILY: I love this dress, very elegant!
RORY: Thanks, Grandma. The place looks wonderful!
EMILY: Oh, there's too much blue.
RORY: It's Yale alumni, there can't be too much blue.
RICHARD: Emily, I noticed the bartenders weren't planning on using proper martini glasses. [Sees Rory.] Well, Rory, how lovely you look tonight.
EMILY: Doesn't she? This dress is divine. But you know what? My hairdresser's upstairs in my bedroom right now, why don't you go on up and have here do a little something with your hair?
RORY: My hair?
EMILY: Just for kicks. Come on, I'll take you up. Richard, could you -
RICHARD: I have it all under control.
EMILY: Thank you. Come on!
[Lane's apartment. Zach is pacing back and forth as she enters.]
LANE: Oh, you're home. Do you want to talk about dinner?
ZACH: Um, sure, or about how your mom totally att*cked me today.
LANE: What?
ZACH: I'm standing out on the street in broad daylight, and, like, out of nowhere, bam! She was in my face, crazy and screaming!
LANE: Zach! Slow down, I don't understand.
[She makes him sit.]
ZACH: She cursed me, Lane! What's not to understand? She went on and on about burning in hellfire and swimming in Satan's sludge, and hell-dogs eating me, and I gotta tell you, it sounded bad.
LANE: I don't understand. Why would she?
ZACH: 'Cause she knows, okay? She knows everything! She sees everything, you know that.
LANE: She doesn't know everything, Zach.
ZACH: Well, she knows about you and me, and she's sending me to hell for it, and I've got to tell you this is not cool. This is not rock and roll.
LANE: I know, I'm sorry.
ZACH: I don't do parents. I'm not that guy. Nobody brings me home to Mom for a reason, okay? I'm a total backseat, in the closet, jump out the window dude, all the way.
LANE: I just don't understand how she found out. I mean, it's not like she's ever seen us together, or... I know who told her.
ZACH: I can't do this crazy scary short chick screaming at me on the street.
LANE: Zach, I'm sorry. I promise, it will never happen again! I will take care of it.
ZACH: What about the hellhounds?
LANE: I will take care of the hellhounds too.
ZACH: 'Cause Hellhounds is a cool band name but the positive imagery stops there.
LANE: I got it. It's done.
ZACH: Okay. Fine. I've gotta go walk by a church or something. [He leaves.]
[Luke's apartment.]
LORELAI [setting the table]: Hey, this is the same stuff from the diner.
LUKE: Yep.
LORELAI: Pilfering silverware from the diner!
LUKE: It's my diner.
LORELAI: Yes, but it's wrong. You should have boundaries in your life, leave work at work. You need a work life and a home life and the silverware is your work life. I'm so telling Dr. Phil on you.
[Luke laughs. A knock at the door.]
TJ's VOICE: Luke! You in there? Open up! Luke!
[Luke runs to the door and opens it.]
LUKE: What the -
TJ: You're home! Good!
LUKE [stammering]: Don't come in!
TJ: Your sister!
LUKE: TJ, this is really -
TJ: Do you know how many people told me not to get married? They said women make you crazy, they burrow in your head and you can't get them out! Women suck! Oh, hey, Lorelai.
LORELAI: How are you doing, TJ.
LUKE: I'm assuming you guys had a fight.
TJ: Not just a fight, a whammo monster of a fight. It was like Jake Lamotta and I was that blonde chick he was married to.
LUKE: You'll make up. Bye. [Tries to lead him out the door, TJ slams it shut.]
TJ: I mean you'd think I took a sh*t at the Pope, the way she talked to me. I'm sorry, I didn't hear her when she asked for the beer, and preset station numbers are there for a reason!
LUKE: Okay, look at the table and the candles, okay? This is not a good time.
TJ: You're telling me? I'm in escrow!
LUKE: Okay. Hold on. [To Lorelai] Go stir the sauce.
LORELAI: Me? But, I can't cook.
LUKE: It's not cooking, it's stirring.
LORELAI: No, I'm not good with big spoons, unless there's ice cream on the end - okay.
LUKE: TJ, what is this all about?
TJ: She's crazy, man, she goes nuts! And she yells at me like... there's a register that her voice reaches when she yells that only a freaking dog can hear, but her face is so twisted and contorted that you know she's h*t that register, and it's amazing! It should be on the Discovery Channel or something.
LORELAI: Um, excuse me. How fast am I supposed to be stirring here?
LUKE: Just keep it from sticking. [To TJ] I am really sorry you had a fight, but you're married now. You can't run out every time you have a disagreement. Now, go on back.
TJ: I can't go back!
LUKE: TJ!
TJ: I'm not ready, it's all too fresh!
LORELAI: It's bubbling and turning brown.
LUKE: It's fine.
LORELAI: Well, what constitutes sticking?
LUKE: You can't ruin it.
LORELAI: I can, I have powers. Once the Barefoot Contessa was making a soufflé and when it fell, she looked out the TV and said, "Gilmore, was that you?"
LUKE: You've gotta go, man!
TJ: Just let me hang out here.
LUKE: No!
TJ: Just for a little while! Right in here, in the corner. Very quiet. You won't notice me at all. Churchmouse, buddy.
[Luke sighs and goes to the kitchen]
LORELAI: I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome.
LUKE: I got it.
[TJ whimpers and starts to sob in the corner.]
LUKE: He just needs a minute.
[Elder Gilmore house: Emily's bedroom. Rory is seated in front of a vanity.]
EMILY: Oh, yes, that's very nice. I love the lashes.
RORY: Grandma, this is really nice, but -
EMILY: Just a little more cheeks.
RORY: Shouldn't we be getting down to the party?
EMILY: Yes. One more minute now. [Opens her jewelry box] Let's see here, this might do it.
RORY: Grandma, I couldn't -
EMILY: Diamond necklaces were invented to be worn, they're doing nobody any good just sitting in a box. Perfect, do you like it?
RORY: Well, yes it's beautiful, but -
EMILY: It needs earrings! I agree!
RORY: No, it's fine on it's own, really!
EMILY: Your grandfather bought me these earrings on our first trip to Denmark. He swears he bought them off the ne'er-do-well brother of the king who stole them from the queen - have you ever heard such a thing?
RORY: No.
EMILY: Ah, I have a wonderful idea! Have you ever worn a tiara?
RORY: Well, when I was four...
EMILY: You look like a princess.
RORY: Grandma, are you sure you want me wearing all this stuff? They must be very expensive, and if something should happen -
EMILY: Nothing's going to happen, and yes. You look exactly the way I want my granddaughter to look to all our guests. Shall we?
RORY: Okay.
EMILY: It's going to be a wonderful evening.
[Coming down the stairs]
EMILY: Everyone, here's Rory!
[The room oohs and aahs.]
RICHARD: You look absolutely royal.
RORY: Well, it's probably the crown.
RICHARD: Emily, you did a fine job.
EMILY: Thank you, Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, uh, Rory, I'd like you to meet Min and Argus Head and their son Andrew. Andrew, this is my granddaughter Rory.
ANDREW: Nice to meet you.
RORY: Nice to meet you too.
RICHARD: Andrew will be at Yale Law next semester.
EMILY: Isn't that wonderful?
RORY: It is, especially if you want to be a lawyer.
[All laugh.]
EMILY: Well, we need to make the rounds. You two can talk more later.
RORY: It was nice to meet you.
ANDREW: You too.
EMILY: Rory, we'd like you to meet Deanna and Chase Anderson and their son Donnan.
DONNAN: It's a pleasure to meet you.
RORY: You too.
RICHARD: Donnan is going to run his father's shipping business one day.
EMILY: Our own Aristotle Onassis with infinitely better table manners.
DONNAN: Nothing's written in stone yet. We'll see what kind of pension plan the company has, and then -
[Polite laughter.]
EMILY: Rory's going to be a journalist. Take the world by storm, the two of you should talk later.
DONNAN: Definitely.
RORY: Okay, well -
RICHARD: Oh, Rory, Bunny and Napoleon Barnes and their son Kip.
KIP: Nice to meet you.
RORY: Oh, hi, Kip. It's nice to meet you.
EMILY: Kip is captain of the polo team.
RICHARD: Hell of a player. Give those Windsor boys a run for their money.
KIP: William and Harry are good guys. Decent horsemen, terrible bridge players.
RORY: Um, Kip, will you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to my grandparents. It was nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Barnes.
EMILY [to Kip]: Make sure you two talk later.
KIP: Yes, ma'am.
RICHARD: Yes, Rory?
EMILY: Are you enjoying the party?
RORY: The party is very nice, Grandma. I was just wondering, do your alumni friends have any daughters?
EMILY: Daughters? What do you mean?
RORY: Well, I was just noticing that there are a lot of boys here but not that many girls.
RICHARD: Really? I hadn't noticed. Did you notice, Emily?
EMILY: Why no, I haven't. Huh, well. I will have to pay more attention to the guest list next time, won't I, Richard?
RICHARD: Yes, you will.
EMILY: I promise you, we will throw another party just for our friends with girls. But in the meantime -
RICHARD: Ah, the Campbell boy is here.
EMILY: Oh, good, let's go. [To Rory] Campbell, like the soup!
[Luke's apartment.]
LORELAI: Oh my God, this is good. I mean this is seriously good.
LUKE: Glad you like it. [Camera angles so that we can see TJ sitting almost directly behind Luke.] How you doing, TJ?
TJ: I just need a minute.
LUKE: He said that thirty-five minutes ago.
LORELAI: Well, he's not crying now, so -
LUKE: I want him to leave.
LORELAI: I know. He will.
LUKE: Sure there's nothing I can do for you?
TJ: Just thirty seconds. That should do it.
LORELAI: Would you like something to eat, TJ?
LUKE: Why are you asking him if he wants something to eat?
LORELAI: He's been sitting there for half an hour, he might be hungry.
LUKE: He said thirty seconds. You're going to make the thirty seconds go longer.
LORELAI: TJ, we've got plenty.
TJ: That's very kind of you, Lorelai. I appreciate it. Being in escrow and everything. But I don't want to interrupt your evening. As soon as I gather myself I'll be going. Ten more minutes?
[Luke is struggling to keep his cool.]
LORELAI: Mmm.
[Elder Gilmore's party. Rory is in the middle of a group of guys looking extremely bored.]
YOUNG MAN #1: Look, you can go A.M.G. but you're still going stock Mercedes.
YOUNG MAN #2: Okay, are you seriously knocking 493 horses at 6100 rpm's coming out of a 5.5 litre, 24 valve V-8?
YOUNG MAN #1: Okay, well, let's say you go with the SL-55.
RORY: Um, I'm sorry. Would you all excuse me for just a -
YOUNG MAN #1: Yeah, sure. So the SL-55. Look, at least go aftermarket on its ass.
[Rory escapes into Richard's study. She sits down at the desk and picks up the phone.]
[Cuts between Luke's apartment and Richard's study.]
LORELAI: I told you.
RORY: You told me what?
LORELAI: Whatever has happened at that party you got rooked into tonight. I told you.
RORY: Do you want to hear or do you just want to gloat?
LORELAI: Well, I'm a multi-tasker.
RORY: So I get here, and Grandma immediately whisks me upstairs where her hairdresser and makeup artist are waiting to make a new me.
LORELAI: 'Cause the old you was so last season.
RORY: Then I come downstairs to find that the guests are all Yale friends of Grandma and Grandpa's and their sons.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: No girls! All boys, and me!
LORELAI: You're kidding.
RORY: Nope. I feel like I'm being auctioned off.
LORELAI: They suck, my parents suck.
RORY: This is a very silly picture.
LORELAI: They know you're with Dean, 'cause by the way you told them.
RORY: It's okay, I just thought you'd like to know.
LORELAI: Do you have a pencil?
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: 'Cause there are twelve ways out of that house that they don't know about. Write this down. First, the basement. It's a little dusty, but almost foolproof. If you can't get there, grab a screwdriver and jimmy the back of my mother's closet. There's a false back.
RORY: Mom -
LORELAI: And if they haven't trimmed the trees yet, the second guest bathroom window opens out onto the massive elm and you can shimmy right down.
RORY: I am not going to shimmy. I don't need to sneak out, it's fine. Dean is picking me up at eight thirty, I can manage till then.
LORELAI: They played you, kid.
RORY: Yeah, I know.
LORELAI: I hate that they did that.
RORY: Well, it's done. Okay, I should go. In this crowd they will definitely notice me missing. I'll see you later.
LORELAI: Bye, hun.
LUKE: What's the matter?
LORELAI: Nothing a little patricide won't solve.
[A phone rings in the Elder Gilmore's kitchen. A maid picks up and answers in Spanish.]
LORELAI: Oh, hello, I'd like to speak to Richard or Emily.
MAID: Que?
LORELAI: I'd like to speak to Richard and Emily Gilmore.
MAID: No comprendo. [more Spanish.]
LORELAI: Is there someone there who speaks English? I hear English in the background. [Knock at Luke's door. Luke gets up to answer it.] Oh, right there! I heard the word salmon. Could you pass the phone to the person who said "salmon"? Uh-huh.
[At the door.]
LIZ: Is he here?
LUKE: Yes. Get him out, please!
LORELAI: Emily Gilmore. Senora Emily Gilmore?
LIZ: TJ, come on, let's go.
TJ: I cannot deal with you right now.
LIZ: You can't just barge in here like this.
TJ [insulted]: I did not barge! Do not accuse me of barging!
LIZ: You are ruining their evening!
TJ: No, I am not! I'm just sitting here, I'm not saying anything!
LUKE: Okay, you two just go downstairs and talk! Please!
LIZ: You are unbelievable, you know that?
TJ: I do, as a matter of fact.
LIZ: I hadn't even come out of the bedroom and you'd gone!
TJ: I wasn't gonna stick around so you could yell at me!
LUKE: Okay! This is enough! The both of you just have to shut up right now, I've got neighbors!
LIZ: You don't even have your shoes on!
TJ: I've got shoes on!
LIZ: You've got my shoes on!
TJ: Oh, so I guess all that "what's mine is yours" was just a bunch of crap also! [He takes off the shoes and hands them to Luke.]
LIZ: You know what? I am fed up with you and the drama, I can't take it! My head's going to explode from all your freaking scenes and your tantrums!
TJ: My tantrums?
LIZ: I cannot look at you. [She locks herself in the bathroom.]
LUKE: Liz, what are you - [To TJ] Go get her out of there!
TJ: Nope, that's exactly what she wants!
LORELAI: Okay, never mind. I'll call back. Bye.
LUKE: TJ!
TJ: Damn. I had almost gotten myself together. Now I have to start all over! [Starts crying.]
LUKE [to Lorelai]: She's in the bathroom.
LORELAI: Okay. You go try to calm him down and I'll go see if I can talk to her.
LUKE: You were right. Having family near is fun!
[Elder Gilmore's patio.]
JORDAN: Rory?
RORY: Mm-hm?
JORDAN: I'm Jordan. Your grandmother sent me over here. Apparently we're made for each other.
RORY: Oh, gee. Well, how convenient.
JORDAN: There's nothing like having your family play matchmaker. How old are you?
RORY: Me? I'm, um, almost twenty.
JORDAN: All right, good. Just making sure everything's legal. You need a drink?
RORY: No, not a drink.
JORDAN: Why? Get a little crazy when you drink?
RORY: Yes. That's it.
JORDAN: I'd like to see that.
LOGAN: Rory. There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you. [He puts his arm around her.] I'm late, I'm sorry, don't be mad. Logan Huntzberger.
JORDAN: Uh, Jordan Chase.
LOGAN: Good to meet you, thanks for keeping my girl busy. If you hadn't, she would've noticed exactly how late I am and then she mighta left and that would have been very, very bad.
JORDAN: Excuse me, I'm sorry - you're with her?
LOGAN: Going on a year and a half.
JORDAN: Great. What the hell am I doing here? [He walks away.]
RORY: Oh, thank you.
LOGAN: You looked cornered.
RORY: I was.
LOGAN: Well, glad to be of service. Man, I hate these parties.
RORY: Not really my bag either.
LOGAN: But at least the bar is stocked, and I must say your grandmother has excellent food.
RORY: Wait, my grandmother?
[Richard comes up behind them.]
RICHARD: Logan? How are you, son?
LOGAN: I'm very well, sir, and yourself?
RICHARD: Oh, I'm fit as a fiddle! It's good to see you. Are your parents here?
LOGAN: Wandering around here somewhere. Mom is obsessed with Emily's new draperies.
RICHARD: Ah, yes. Emily has exquisite taste in fabrics. All right, Rory. Since I see that you are in capable hands I will make another round and end up at the bar.
LOGAN: It's been good to see you, Richard.
RICHARD: Good to see you, Logan. [He moves away.]
RORY: You know my grandparents.
LOGAN: My folks are good friends with Richard and Emily. Okay, so. Lesson One in coping with painfully boring parties, form a sub-party.
RORY: Where are you going?
LOGAN: Finn!
RORY: Finn's here?
LOGAN: Finn!
[Finn comes out on the patio.]
FINN: You rang?
LOGAN: Time for a change of venue.
FINN: Oh, fantastic. [To Rory] Do I know you?
[Mrs. Kim's home: front porch, Lane knocks. Kyon answers.]
LANE: Is my mother here?
KYON: No, she's at Mrs. Cho's house. Mrs. Cho thinks that she lost some weight, and Mrs. Kim went to give it back to her.
LANE: Good. Why did you rat me out to my mother?
KYON: Rat you out?
LANE: You told her about Zach.
KYON: The boy you hugged?
LANE: Yes! You told her, I'm just a little mystified as to why you would do that.
KYON: Mrs. Kim has taken me in.
LANE: No, I took you in. You came to me, starving, and I gave you fries. You did like the fries, right?
KYON: Very, very much.
LANE: Okay, so that is we what we call in America a bonding thing. I gave you the fries and you are not supposed to tell on me to my mother!
KYON: What am I supposed to do?
LANE: Nothing. You say nothing, you do nothing.
KYON: But she would know!
LANE: She would know what?
KYON: She would know I lied, she would know I'm ungrateful and I keep a secret from her!
LANE: How would she know?
KYON: She know!
LANE: No, she no know! She is not magic!
KYON: Yes she is! She read thoughts and hand gestures!
LANE: Come here. [She makes Kyon sit down.] If you want, I can help you.
KYON: Help me?
LANE: What do you do every Sunday between noon and four?
KYON: I study.
LANE: And then?
KYON: And then I wait for Mrs. Kim to get home from her Crochet for Christ group with her sister.
LANE: Okay. And what do you do while you're waiting?
KYON: Nothing. I sit quietly.
LANE: Okay. Now wouldn't you rather, let's say, watch some television while you're waiting for my mother to get home?
KYON [shaking her head]: Oh, I cannot!
LANE: Why?
KYON: Mrs. Kim does not want me to watch the television!
LANE: And how would she know?
KYON: Because, there's a little machine in the television set that will tell her what I watch!
LANE: Ha!
KYON: What ha?
LANE: That machine does not exist.
KYON: It does not?
LANE: Nope. It took me fifteen years to figure it out, but that's the truth.
KYON: So she cannot know?
LANE: She also cannot smell fast food on you even after you've showered.
KYON: She can't?
LANE: And she can't tell how many times you've opened your bible by staring at your palm.
KYON: My head spins!
LANE: And you don't have to hand out all those religious flyers she gives you. Just post enough of them around here regular route home and she'll think the job is done.
KYON: I think I need to lie down.
LANE: It's a whole new world, Kyon. A world I fought long and hard to figure out and I'm willing to pass all my knowledge on to you.
KYON: So, I can eat fries, watch TV if I get home early from not giving out my flyers?
LANE: I wouldn't bring the fries into the house. She has a really good nose. But you're thinking big, and I respect that.
KYON: I can watch the TV!
LANE: Stick with me, kid, and I'll have you wearing lip gloss within a month.
[Luke's apartment. Liz and TJ are still fighting in the bathroom, and
LORELAI is still on the phone.]
LORELAI: Emily and Richard Gilmore! Oh, come on! I know you speak English. I heard you yell "salmon" earlier. My mother put you up to this. Fine. [Hangs up.]
LUKE: What are they doing in there?
LORELAI: Um, fighting?
LUKE: And how long can you fight in an eight by ten room?
LORELAI: Well, maybe they're not fighting. Maybe they're having angry make-up sex.
LUKE: Now that makes me feel much better, thank you. Sorry about dinner.
LORELAI: Aw, dinner was great. It was delicious and interactive -
LUKE: Okay, I don't know how long this is going to continue.
LORELAI: Well, we could set f*re to the place. Smoke 'em out.
LUKE: Listen, you don't have to sit here. I'll deal with this. You go home.
LORELAI: Are you sure?
LUKE: Yep. They are my family. Yippee. I'll deal with it. [Puts the cheesecake in a container.] You take this and go home, and we will try again tomorrow.
LORELAI: Wow! My own cheesecake. No man's ever given me a whole cheesecake before.
LUKE: You remember that.
LORELAI: Mm-hmm. Hey, maybe when I get home I'll stir something, seeing as I'm so good at it. Thanks for dinner.
[They share a steamy kiss.]
LUKE: Thank you for not being related to me.
[Lorelai snickers.]
LUKE: That came out wrong.
LORELAI: No, I got it. Goodnight.
LUKE: 'Night.
[She leaves.]
[Elder Gilmore pool house.]
COLIN: Gilmore, your grandfather has apalling taste in Scotch.
RORY: I think you should go on inside and tell him!
COLIN: If he hasn't learned by now I certainly can't teach him.
LOGAN: Colin, make sure you refill that bottle with something, we don't want Ace over here to get busted.
COLIN: I know. I know.
LOGAN [To Rory]: Refill?
RORY: Sure, why not?
FINN: Because drinking is bad. It's very, very bad and we're bad for doing it. Spank me.
RORY: I think the hangover tomorrow will be punishment enough.
FINN: She hasn't had enough champagne, Logan. [He leaves.]
LOGAN: Hey, listen, I forgot to tell you, I read the article.
RORY: You did?
LOGAN: Yep, not bad.
RORY: Thank you.
LOGAN: Caught the spirit of the thing, I'll give you that.
RORY: But?
LOGAN: No, no buts. You've got a good style. There were a few too many similes in it for my taste, but it definitely had a Joseph Mitchell thing going for it, I like that.
RORY: I'm surprised you even bothered to read it.
LOGAN: Are you? Hmm. [Stands up] So, who's it going to be?
RORY: What?
LOGAN: Well, this shindig's an obvious meat market, I've got the feeling that your grandparents are expecting you to choose someone tonight, so...
RORY: Oh, well...
FINN: Me. Pick me.
CROWD OF GUYS: No, pick me!
FINN: But I'm exotic!
COLIN: So's the Asian Bird flu.
LOGAN: Wow. A room full of guys and still extremely slim pickings.
RORY: Well, I don't know. It's a tough choice, maybe I should let my boyfriend help me choose.
LOGAN: You have a boyfriend?
FINN: I'm crushed.
GUY: Ain't it always the way?
LOGAN: Do Richard and Emily know about this?
RORY: Yeah, they do.
LOGAN: They're just trying to make sure you got a backup?
RORY: No, they're just - oh no, what time is it?
FINN: It's crying time.
COLIN: Eight forty five.
RORY: Dean is meeting me at eight-thirty! [She gets up to go.]
LOGAN: Where?
RORY: Here, out front!
LOGAN: Dean, is this the boyfriend?
RORY: Yes, the boyfriend!
LOGAN: Well, we got to see this guy.
RORY: What?
LOGAN: See who the man is who's won your heart. Got to make sure he's good enough. Let's go, boys!
RORY: But - hey!
LOGAN: Coming?
[Exterior Front door. Dean is waiting and looks up as Rory and the group of guys come out the door.]
RORY: Dean, hi. I'm sorry, have you been waiting long? I didn't have a watch and we were in the pool house. These are some friends. They go to Yale with me and they know my grandparents. The party was so boring so we - [She stops as Dean looks very angry.] Is that a new shirt? 'Cause I like it.
DEAN: What am I doing here, Rory?
RORY: You're picking me up.
DEAN: I don't belong here. Not anymore. [He pauses, Rory doesn't deny it.] Do I?
RORY: Dean.
DEAN: You look good.
[He drives away, Rory starts to cry. The guys come over to her.]
LOGAN [gently]: You'll be okay.
RORY [shakes her head]: No, I won't.
LOGAN: Okay, that's it. Back to the pool house, men. We have some serious bucking up to do here.
COLIN: I swiped some Scotch.
FINN: I'll reenact the Passion of the Christ.
[The boys cheer and head inside.]
LOGAN: Hey Ace, nothing ever seems quite as bad after Finn's Passion of the Christ. Except Finn's Passion of the Christ.
[He puts her arm around her. They go inside.]
[Lorelai's house. She dials the phone.]
MAID: Gilmore residence.
LORELAI: Hello! Oh, you speak English! Thank God! Um, is Emily Gilmore there, please?
MAID: It's for you, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Hello?
LORELAI: Hi, Mom, it's me.
EMILY: Well, hello, Lorelai. How are you?
LORELAI: I'm fine. Can I talk to you and Dad for a minute?
RICHARD: Your father's paying the caterers.
LORELAI: Well this'll just take a minute. Could you maybe go in the study on the speakerphone? Seriously, just one minute?
EMILY: All right. Hold on. [a minute.] All right, we're both here.
RICHARD: Hello, Lorelai. What can we do for you?
LORELAI: I just wanted to touch base with you about this little party you threw for Rory tonight.
EMILY: The party was not for Rory, it was for our Yale alumni.
LORELAI: Oh, it was not. It was a trick and you know it and I know it so let's just know it together.
RICHARD: What do you want, Lorelai?
LORELAI: You lied to your granddaughter tonight. You lied to a kid who trusted you. You tricked her.
EMILY: It was a party!
LORELAI: It was a mating ritual!
RICHARD: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: All boys, Mom? Seriously? What is that all about?
EMILY: It's good for her to interact with her peers.
RICHARD: Lorelai, Rory is in a new phase of her life now, and she needs to be exposed to different things, different people. That's all we were trying to do.
LORELAI: She has a boyfriend!
EMILY: Oh, so what?
LORELAI: So, she has a boyfriend, which means she doesn't need another one!
RICHARD: She's twenty years old, Lorelai. She's not going to be with that boy forever.
LORELAI: Uh-huh.
EMILY: That's right. And when she's ready to move on, she will have met some nice young men who will represent the new phase in her life.
RICHARD: I'm sure that Dean is a very nice young man. But he is certainly not good enough for Rory!
EMILY: That's right!
RICHARD: Now she is young. But young people need guidance. And since you seem so little help in this department, we had to step in.
LORELAI: Well, step on out again, because this is none of your business!
EMILY: Lorelai, I am tired. And the caterers have caked the floor with something sticky and I don't have time for this. We want more for her, period. Now obviously it is too late for you but it is not too late for Rory, and we are going to make sure that she has the life she deserves!
LORELAI: You know, it doesn't matter what you think of me, okay? Rory will choose her own path in life and there's nothing either one of you can do about it.
EMILY: I'm hanging up.
LORELAI: Well, me too.
[They hang up. Lorelai sees headlights as a car pulls up. The door opens,
RORY shrieks as she is getting out of a limo with the rowdy group of guys. She seems to be having a blast. Rory stumbles up the walk.]
LOGAN: Whoa, Ace, you need some help there?
RORY: Bye!
[Lorelai, sad, stops watching.] | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x08 - The Party's Over"} | foreverdreaming |
written by Rebecca Rand Kirshner
directed by Kenny Ortega
transcript by Patti Jo with assistance by Canopus
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW – SIDEWALK OUTSIDE DOOSE'S MARKET
[Lorelai appears around the corner and prepares to enter the grocery store.]
JACKSON: [loud whisper OS] Psst! Lorelai.
LORELAI: Jackson.
[She spots him hiding on the side of the building. He's curiously dressed in a thick coat and a concealing lumberjack hat – flaps arranged to hide his face. She is intrigued and approaches him.]
JACKSON: [stage whisper] Shh. Just come here a second. I need you to get some stuff for me from Doose's.
LORELAI: Jackson, what are you doing?
JACKSON: [continues speaking quietly] Stop saying my name. Look, Sookie's got major food cravings, and I can't go in to "Leech Headquarters". They'll be all over me in two seconds flat.
LORELAI: [sympathetic] Selectman job isn't getting any easier, huh?
JACKSON: No, it's getting worse. Like last week -- Ann Benninghoff comes to me, right? She wants to put a sales cart outside the colonial museum selling revolutionary w*r books and "just a few arrowheads." Fine, but then Sally Lannigan hears about that, and she wants to sell her pine-needle sachets out in front of the gazebo. Fine, but then Kirk comes to me in an outrage because he's allergic to all pine-scented things, and how could I not know this? And pretty soon, I'm nothing but an empty suit of Jackson skin.
LORELAI: Ew. Well, what do you need?
[Jackson pulls a rumpled piece of paper from his coat pocket and unfolds it.]
JACKSON: Oh, thanks. Uh...let's see here. Grapefruit juice, Milk Duds, bloody mary mix, extra-spicy turkey sausage -- this is all going in the same blender, by the way –
LORELAI: Good Lordy.
JACKSON: Chives -- I'm getting a stomachache just reading this list.
LORELAI: Give it to me. I'll brave headquarters for you.
JACKSON: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
[Lorelai pauses and smiles expectantly.]
JACKSON: [ Sighs ] Do not go where you're going.
LORELAI: Well, what's one leech versus a swarm?
JACKSON: [looks to the skies and whimpers] I have no sanctuary.
LORELAI: The pothole on the road to the Dragonfly is getting worse. Kids are starting to swim in it.
JACKSON: I'll put it on the list, along with everything else.
LORELAI: Top of the list, please? [louder] Jackson!
JACKSON: Don't. Shh.
LORELAI: [feigned innocence] Was that too loud? Can't always tell.
JACKSON: It's on top of the list.
LORELAI: [grins] Be back in a flash.
[She exits into the store as another pedestrian walks by. Paranoid, Jackson quickly turns away, tries to look casual.]
CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S HOUSE – INTERIOR - FRONT DOOR
[Jackson enters the house with Lorelai following, both laden with grocery bags.]
JACKSON: Sookie, I'm home.
LORELAI: I'm home, too!
JACKSON: Were we followed? [peers around edge of curtain]
LORELAI: I don't think so. Good thing we ditched that Audi in Marseilles. Now we just have to find that tracking device. [hears crying from next room] Sookie, honey, what's wrong?
SOOKIE: [ Crying ] I just -- it's just -- it's just so sad.
[Jackson and Lorelai join Sookie in the living room]
LORELAI: Oh! People Magazine. Jackson, you know we don't allow soft human-interest stories around Sookie when she's pregnant.
JACKSON: She must have snuck it in.
SOOKIE: [whimpering] I feel like they were perfect for each other, you know?
LORELAI: [sympathetic] Uh-huh. Who, honey?
SOOKIE: [hiccupping stutters] The two of them. I mean, with the hair and the teeth and the -- you know?
LORELAI: Who's got hair and teeth?
SOOKIE: And then the Divine Brown thing happens, and bammo -- their love's in the toilet.
LORELAI: We're talking Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant?
JACKSON: She must have found an old one somewhere.
LORELAI: [encouragingly] That was years ago, Sookie.
JACKSON: Tons of people have broken up since then.
SOOKIE: [horrified] and Oh, my God!
LORELAI: No, no, it's okay. Everyone's together and happy. Dispose, please.
JACKSON: Gladly. [exits with the magazine]
SOOKIE: Oh, is that my food?
LORELAI: Yes, yes, look. We got, uh, turkey sausage -- extra-spicy like you wanted.
SOOKIE: Yuk.
LORELAI: And grapefruit juice.
SOOKIE: Ugh.
LORELAI: Rappini.
SOOKIE: Ugh. Puke.
LORELAI: You're not craving things anymore, are you?
SOOKIE: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: No.
[Jackson returns to join his wife – sits on the arm of the sofa to comfort her]
SOOKIE: Oh, I mean, I'm so friggin impossible. You're so good to me, and you go to all this trouble, and you get me everything I want, then I don't want it anymore. [Lorelai smiles warmly at her friend] I'm sorry that you have to be in love with a crazy person.
JACKSON: Come here. [Sookie leans into his embrace] I'll tell you what -- I'll deal with as much moodiness and food weirdness as you can dish out as long as you do the actual "squeezing a human being out of your body" part.
SOOKIE: [chuckles] Deal.
[Jackson's gaze wanders out the front window. He stands suddenly, causing Sookie to grunt as she leans into nothing. ]
JACKSON: Okay. That car just slowed down as it went past the house.
LORELAI: Jackson, why don't you get away from the window and go relax or something?
JACKSON: Oh, I shouldn't be near a window.
SOOKIE: Why don't you take it easy, sweetie, and go check on Davey?
JACKSON: All right, but if anyone calls for me, I'm not here... and I'm armed and dangerous. [exits again]
LORELAI: [warm tone] He lo-o-o-ves you.
SOOKIE: Then he's certifiable... because I'm certifiable, and you have to be certifiable to put up with that.
LORELAI: Hey, you're pregnant. You're not supposed to be normal. [stands and walks to the kitchen to put away groceries]
SOOKIE: [Chuckles] I guess so. And it may be mean, but when I worry too much about how I'm treating Jackson, I just remember Brandy.
[Sookie stands and follows Lorelai to the kitchen and sits at the table]
LORELAI: Brandy?
SOOKIE: Christopher's Brandy.
LORELAI: Christopher's Sherry?
SOOKIE: Oh. [Chuckles] I knew it was something like that. Anyway, I'm handling this all better than her. How is he, anyway?
LORELAI: Christopher? Fine. [pause] Wow, you know what? I have no idea. He never called me again.
SOOKIE: Really?
[Lorelai joins Sookie seated at the table]
LORELAI: Not once since I went over there. I assume he's doing fine, but I don't know.
SOOKIE: He never called? All those problems with the baby were solved in one night?
LORELAI: Kind of weird, isn't it?
SOOKIE: A little.
LORELAI: You never know with him. He's as unpredictable as a pregnant woman. No offense.
SOOKIE: [Chuckles] None taken.
LORELAI: I hope he and G.G. are okay. The last time I was over there, he was duct-taping her diapers, but... I'm sure he's found the tabby thingies by now. Yeah, I'm sure he's okay.
SOOKIE: Milk chocolate and artichoke hearts.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: That's what I want, and I'm not going to change my mind. Milk chocolate and... bell peppers! [excitedly hops to her feet]
LORELAI: Ah.
SOOKIE: Now I'm not going to change my mind. Jackson, I figured it out! Milk -- dark chocolate. Ooh, taffy! Taffy and walnuts. [Gasps] Taffy -- OOH, pistachios! Ooh, hearts of palm! [ she walks out of the room ]
CUT TO RORY'S YALE DORM – COMMON ROOM
[Rory seated on sofa, reading a newspaper. Paris paces nervously, then leans over Rory's shoulder]
RORY: Paris, please don't compare our reading speeds again. You're fast, I'm slow. Enjoy your trophy.
PARIS: I need the exact time of today's sunset.
RORY: I'm in the middle of an article.
PARIS: Well, if you read faster, you wouldn't be.
[Rory turns the newspaper page]
RORY: Okay, the time of today's sunset is 4:31.
PARIS: Okay. Then I just have to keep my mind occupied until 4:31.
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: What?
RORY: Tell me again why you're fasting for Ramadan.
PARIS: Look, Rory, if you want to crib your articles from the A.P. Wire, that's your business. I, on the other hand, actually give a rat's ass about journalistic integrity. When I write about Ramadan, I experience Ramadan. Are you chewing gum?
RORY: What? Yes. Why?
PARIS: I'd really prefer it if you didn't chew it at me.
RORY: Paris, did you know that not eating can make people kind of snippy?
PARIS: Ramadan is about a lot more than just not eating. It calls for a total abstinence from food particles passing through the mouth or nose. Your bazooka is passing through my nose.
[ Knock on door ]
RORY: It's unlocked. [Marty walks in carrying a paper sack] Hey, Marty.
MARTY: So, I just bartended this crazy brunch with chocolate fountains and floating ice sculptures, and I snagged us all kinds of hors d'oeuvres. [indicating the two bags he's carrying]
PARIS: [sarcasm] Oh, nice going, bucko.
MARTY: [eyes Paris timidly] Okay, so, she didn't really mean "nice going," right? 'Cause there's sort of a devil-eye thing going on.
RORY: She's fasting.
PARIS: People came to America to escape religious persecution.
[Cell phone rings – Rory stands and retrieves her cell phone. Marty takes her vacant seat on the sofa.]
MARTY: Well, what religion is anti-leftovers? [eyes Paris warily]
RORY: Hello.
LORELAI: Hi. Guess where I am?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Go on, guess.
RORY: Oh, I don't know, Luke's?
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW – LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai is standing behind Luke's counter as employees bustle around her.]
LORELAI: But not just at Luke's -- on the phone at Luke's, and it's all perfectly legal because I'm on the diner's phone.
RORY: A loophole. Nice.
LORELAI: You got to love a loophole.
[The scene switches between the diner and Rory's dorm]
RORY: Getting to use Luke's behind-the-counter phone, that's like getting to wear his letterman jacket.
LORELAI: I know. Maybe now he'll ask me to the sock hop.
RORY: I'm glad you guys are all loopholey and sock-hoppy. It's nice.
LORELAI: Yeah. Well, um, I just called to, you know, uh, brag about my loophole and check on plans for Friday night dinner.
[Luke emerges from the back storeroom carrying supplies and shouts. ]
LUKE: Hey!
LORELAI: Hon, hold on a sec.
[Luke walks up]
LUKE: What are you doing back here?
RORY: You didn't have permission to be behind the counter, did you?
LORELAI: You don't need permission if you're the girlfriend.
LUKE: [lectures] A sack of potatoes falls on your head, the insurance company doesn't care if you're the girlfriend.
LORELAI: Well, you're storing potatoes in a very weird place if you're worried about them falling on people's heads.
LUKE: [scolds and shoo's] Go. Go. Get.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm getting.
[She pulls the phone cord with her while walking around to the front of the counter returning to her stool. A semi-eaten bowl of pie and ice cream sits before her.]
RORY: He's kicking you out?
LORELAI: No. It's just my boyfriend's so protective of my safety, the thought of food falling on my head makes him crazy. So, anyway, what's better for you -- carpool or meet there?
RORY: Meet's better, I guess.
LORELAI: Okay, honey, I'll see you there.
RORY: Oh, wait -- there's something I want to run by you.
[At the dorm, Marty peeks inside one of his paper bags. Paris alternately fans the air and hits Marty with the newspaper]
MARTY: Can't you just plug your nose or something?
PARIS: Sure, ask a billion Muslims to plug their noses. That makes a lot of sense, Marty.
[She continues to b*at him with the paper until he closes the bag and leans back, defeated. Rory exits to her room.]
CUT TO RORY'S DORM - BEDROOM
[Rory enters and closes the door to avoid the noisy ruckus between Paris and Marty. Scene continues to switch between bedroom to Luke's Diner]
RORY: Okay, so, I've got an idea.
LORELAI: Finally this Yale thing's kicking in.
RORY: I am sick of humoring Grandma and Grandpa during this stupid separation of theirs. This "drinks here, dinner there" is dumb. It's not working, and we should not do it anymore.
LORELAI: Well, if you feel it is best to end the Friday night dinners, then as your mother, I feel it is my duty to support you.
RORY: I'm not saying we should end Friday night dinners.
LORELAI: Okay, well, then, as your mother, I feel it is my duty to tell you you're wrong.
RORY: We need to take a stand. No more humoring. We need to get them in a room and talk some sense into them, and to do that, I think we should divide and conquer. So this Friday, I'll have dinner with one, and you'll have dinner with the other.
LORELAI: Uh-huh. Hey, what happened to the idea of ending Friday night dinners? - Because I thought that one had real potential.
[Loud muffled voices continue from the other room]
RORY: This way, we can each talk to them one-on-one, break them down, convince them that their separation isn't okay with us.
LORELAI: It's not?
RORY: Mom, I know they both want to be with each other.
LORELAI: Hon, my parents are very stubborn. I don't want you to get your hopes up about the outcome.
RORY: But I can't stand it the way it is. I think they both miss each other, but they're just too proud, and it's just -- it's kind of breaking my heart.
LORELAI: So...which one do you want me to take?
RORY: How about I'll take grandpa, and you'll take grandma?
LORELAI: Ahh, no!
RORY: Okay, then I'll take grandma, and you take grandpa.
LORELAI: Ahh, no!
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Can't I take the butler? He doesn't talk much, and as far as I can tell, thoroughly enjoys the way I dress.
[Marty enters Rory's room and closes door behind him]
MARTY: She's throwing things at me. Religious sanctuary, please.
RORY: [to her mother] The butler is not an option.
LORELAI: Fine, I'll take her.
RORY: Thank you. Bye. [clicks off phone. Marty joins her on the edge of the bed. He hands her a paper bag.] Ooh. What's the bacon wrapped around?
MARTY: Something bacon should never be wrapped around.
RORY: Rich people.
MARTY: They live very different lives.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai still sits at the counter. Luke walks up from the other side and clears away Lorelai's bowl and hands it to passing employee. He pulls out his usual tablet and pencil. He talks while he checks numbers.]
LORELAI: Thanks.
LUKE: So, that was Rory?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: How's she doing?
LORELAI: Fine.
LUKE: With the Dean thing and all, the breakup?
LORELAI: She sounds okay. Actually, she's petite, but she's strong.
LUKE: Good. I'm glad.
LORELAI: Don't gloat.
LUKE: I'm not gloating.
LORELAI: Yes, you are.
LUKE: I just said I'm glad she's okay. That's not gloating.
LORELAI: It was your tone, like you were covering up for being gloaty by sounding extra non-gloaty.
LUKE: Lorelai.
LORELAI: You always hated him. I get it.
LUKE: I never hated him. I just never thought he was right for Rory, and I swear, I'm not gloating.
LORELAI: Well, I don't know. If it walks like a gloat and quacks like a gloat --
LUKE: I wasn't.
LORELAI: I got to go. Kiss. [leans forward and Luke meets her half-way over the counter. They kiss]
[T.J. enters the diner and walks up. He has a towel thrown over one shoulder.]
T.J.: I stink. There's your headline. Keep your distance.
LUKE: [to Lorelai] You better run.
LORELAI: I'll call you later. [gathers her jacket and purse and stands]
LUKE: If I don't strangle myself with the phone cord, I'll answer. [returns to his paperwork]
LORELAI: Hi, T.J.
T.J.: Three feet, Lorelai, 'cause I haven't showered in as many days.
LORELAI: Uh-oh. Goodbye, T.J. [scoots around him carefully and exits]
T.J.: [to Luke] I need your shower, buddy.
[Luke doesn't look up]
LUKE: Sorry. Broken.
T.J.: Really? 'Cause you're looking powder fresh.
LUKE: I am not powder fresh.
T.J.: Come on, Luke, we got no water at our new place, and the flies, they are a-buzzing. [waves his hand] Man!
LUKE: Fine, use my shower, T.J. [points to the direction of the stairs]
T.J.: You're the best, you know that? I worship you.
LUKE: Yeah, you should build an altar to me. You know, I know I shouldn't ask you this, but why isn't your water turned on?
T.J.: 'Cause the pipes got trashed after I demo'd the upstairs bathroom.
LUKE: You weren't going to demo the bathrooms.
T.J.: But I had a little accident installing the towel rack, and the next thing you know, the whole bathroom's demo'd.
LUKE: Because of the towel rack?
T.J.: I got very angry at this towel rack.
LUKE: Yes, that's very normal.
T.J.: But I got some replacement pipe. I just got to cut it up into shorter pieces and stick it together, and we're good to go.
LUKE: Okay, sounds like you know what you're doing.
T.J.: I just need some kind of tool that cuts pipe. What would you call that?
LUKE: [sarcastic] I don't know, a pipe cutter?
T.J.: That's it! A pipe cutter! You know anyone who's got a pipe cutter?
LUKE: I have a pipe cutter. Would you like to borrow it?
T.J.: That cuts pipe, right?
LUKE: Hey, T.J., Why don't you just hire a professional?
T.J.: Because I'm trying to be responsible. What with the move and being in escrow and everything, I'm not exactly flush, so I figured I'd do it myself. [uses the "pity me" face] Is that so – wrong?
LUKE: [fatalistic] I'll help you cut the pipe, T.J.
T.J.: [mood immediately brightens] Oh, hey, that's beyond the call. You've got to be the best brother-in-law in the world.
LUKE: Uh-huh. Thanks. Anything else?
T.J.: You know, it's real hell trying to make coffee without water.
LUKE: Have some coffee, T.J.
[T.J. helps himself to a donut under the serving lid]
T.J.: And a cruller to cut the bitterness 'cause sometimes -- no offense -- I find your coffee a little bitter. I mean, it's good. It's just a little bitter.
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN – FRONT DESK
[Lorelai is typing on the computer. Michel walks up as a guest departs.]
MICHEL: We need to talk.
LORELAI: sh**t.
MICHEL: There's a couple here I thought I recognized, but I was not sure, so I consulted an old guest ledger from the Independence Inn and found a physical description that confirmed their identities.
LORELAI: Physical description?
MICHEL: Yes. I had described them with astonishing accuracy, down to the crooked eyes and unsightly moles.
LORELAI: You have a system of describing what people's moles look like?
MICHEL: Mm-hmm. Moles, freckles. What is their weight? Are they buxom? Is their chin cleft? Do they walk with any sort of limp? But this is beside the point. You remember the bathrobe bandits?
LORELAI: [feigns a gasps then returns deadpan] No.
MICHEL: The married couple from Massachusetts that stole bathrobes from the Independence Inn every time they came. We call them the bathrobe bandits. They are here.
LORELAI: Did they bring their moles?
MICHEL: With your permission, I'm going to remove their bathrobes from their room as a preventative measure.
LORELAI: No, no, Michel, come on. If they steal robes, we just charge their credit card.
MICHEL: And if they take a credenza or a couch -- do you think they'll stop at robes?
LORELAI: Then I'll start jotting down mole locations along with you, but for now, let's take a flier on them.
MICHEL: I should never tell you anything.
LORELAI: Promise?
MICHEL: I'm going to leave a vaguely thr*at note in their room. [exits]
LORELAI: No, no, no, Michel. No. [to his retreating form]
[ Standing alone in the lobby, Lorelai looks thoughtful. She digs out her cell phone and calls a number. ]
CUT TO CHRISTOPHER'S APARTMENT
[ Chris sits at a desk looking over paperwork. Telephone rings. Chris stands and moves to answer the phone. ]
CHRIS: Hello.
LORELAI: [cheerily] Well, if it isn't Mr. Incommunicado.
CHRIS: Lorelai.
[scene switches between the Inn and Chris' apartment]
LORELAI: I figured you'd turned Amish or something and couldn't make any calls until Rumspringa, but, no, here you are, answering the phone.
CHRIS: [a bit uncomfortable] Uh, yeah.
LORELAI: So, how are you?
CHRIS: Uh, fine.
LORELAI: Is this a bad time?
CHRIS: No, not at all. Uh, so, what's going on?
LORELAI: Not much. Just working at the old salt mine. But earlier, I was talking to Sookie who, by the way, got herself knocked up again, the crazy slut. So anyway, we were talking about babies and stuff, and she asked me about you and G.G., And that's when I realized I hadn't talked to you in a while, so here we are.
CHRIS: Sorry I haven't called. I've just, you know, been really busy.
LORELAI: Okay, well, no worries. I know you've got your plate full taking care of G.G. [pause] Um... are you sure this isn't a bad time? [chuckles nervously]
CHRIS: No. No, it's fine. Uh, fine.
LORELAI: Okay, so, how is G.G.? Is she still alive? The last time I was there, things were a little dicey.
CHRIS: She's good. Everything's fine, Lor. Everything's good. Your help was great, and I'm absolutely... fine.
LORELAI: Okay, well, good. So, I guess I'll talk to you later.
CHRIS: [pauses between phrases] Sure. Definitely, okay? I'll talk to you later. Take care.
[Lorelai is puzzled and a bit sad]
LORELAI: Okay. Bye.
CHRIS: Listen, Lor, I just want you to know that I only called you before because I was desperate. I mean, there was no other reason. I was just panicked, and I didn't think, you know?
LORELAI: Chris, sure.
CHRIS: I know that I shouldn't have bothered you. I know you have your own life and your own stuff and I shouldn't be bugging ya, but it was just a one-time thing, you know? So, you don't have to worry about it.
LORELAI: Chris, come on. You can call me anytime you want. You know that.
CHRIS: Yeah, well --
LORELAI: I'm always here for G.G., Whatever you need. Because we got bonds, baby. Just try to break 'em.
CHRIS: Thanks, Lor.
LORELAI: No problem.
CHRIS: Anyhow, G.G.'s great. I've got new pictures, too. I can e-mail them to you, if you want.
LORELAI: Or bring her around next time you're in the hood.
CHRIS: Stars Hollow's a hood now?
LORELAI: Oh, it's always been a hood. We just try to keep it on the down-low. But seriously, you should come by.
CHRIS: Well, I'm going to be adjacent to the hood on Saturday because I'm taking G.G. to see her grandparents.
LORELAI: Come by Saturday.
CHRIS: Are you sure? I don't want to --
LORELAI: come by. We can have lunch here at the inn -- you, me, and G.G. That way, I can check she's still got all her arms and legs.
CHRIS: All right, sure. Sounds good. Uh... Saturday it is.
LORELAI: Okay. See you then.
CHRIS: Yes, you will.
LORELAI: Bye. [Beeps as she clicks off her phone.]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE – RICHARD'S POOL HOUSE
[Rory sits on the sofa as Richard fusses in the kitchen looking through all the cabinets. Classical music plays ]
RORY: Grandpa, it's fine.
RICHARD: No, it certainly is not fine. When you're entertaining an elegant young lady for dinner, then dinner is expected.
RORY: But I just sprang this on you. You can't be held accountable for your lack of elegant-young-lady food.
RICHARD: Well, I am delighted with your company, though I'm still a little confused at the new arrangement.
RORY: Well, Mom and I realized that we don't really get to spend as much time with you and Grandma since the separation, so we decided to split up.
RICHARD: Well, uh, how would you feel about, uh... ooh, some, uh, batteries and Nutella? [pulls them from the refrigerator shelf]
RORY: Oh, rats. I had that for lunch.
RICHARD: [puts items back and shuts door] Well, that seems to be all I have in here. Robert's shopping skills leave something to be desired.
RORY: So, grandpa --
RICHARD: Wait! I think I have some canned peaches. [goes hunting in another cabinet]
RORY: You've really made it comfortable out here.
RICHARD: Huh. Pears.
[Disappointed, Richard joins Rory and sips his drink]
RORY: Nice. Like a vacation spot. You know, fun and all yours -- not permanent, but fun for now.
RICHARD: Yes, well, fun for now is exactly what I was going for.
RORY: So, it's not permanent?
RICHARD: What?
RORY: The pool house. It's not permanent. You just said "fun for now."
RICHARD: Did I? I must have heard it somewhere.
RORY: I mean, don't get me wrong. It's good to shake things up every now and then -- you know, put a little paint on the house, move the furniture around the den, go blond -- but after you've done all that, it can also be nice to go back to something that's comfortable, something you've depended on for, let's say, 40 years. I mean, if something's been around that long, it must be for a reason, right?
RICHARD: You're a lovely girl.
RORY: I have good genes.
RICHARD: Oh! I think I remember seeing a frozen pizza in here.
RORY: Really?
RICHARD: Aha! Now... the downside of this discovery is that since Robert is currently doing all the shopping, this pizza could have been here since Lorelai's 10th birthday party. The upside, however, is that there is cheese in the crust.
RORY: I've always been a "glass is half full" kind of gal myself.
RICHARD: All righty, then. Here goes nothing.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE – MAIN HOUSE – LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai sits impatiently on the love seat while Emily fusses at the bartender cart.]
EMILY: [mutters under her breath] Stupid little -- I can't find -- ridiculous. He should have taken...
LORELAI: What, Mom?
EMILY: Oh, nothing. I'm just trying to make a proper drink, that's all.
LORELAI: Sorry about the change of plans.
EMILY: Oh, please. I'm as flexible as the next person.
LORELAI: See, Rory thought that since Dad's moved out to the pool house, we're not getting enough time with either of you, so --
EMILY: I guess I could use the ice in the freezer, though it's probably old. You know what they say – a little notice ensures fresh ice.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, who says that?
EMILY: We'll just have to have scotch neat.
LORELAI: Super.
EMILY: I'd offer you wine, but all the wine I have has to breathe.
LORELAI: And that requires notice.
EMILY: [ joins Lorelai on the loveseat. Lorelai stares.]. What are you looking at?
LORELAI: Nothing. It's just -- isn't -- isn't this weird to you?
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Sitting next to each other?
EMILY: Would you like me to move?
LORELAI: No, it's fine. It's just... close.
EMILY: Will you explain to me again why we are doing this?
LORELAI: I have no idea because you usually sit over there.
EMILY: I'm talking about Rory being in the pool house, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Rory just thought we should split up tonight, get in some quality... couch time.
EMILY: It seems very silly. We had a perfectly good system worked out. I don't know why we changed it.
LORELAI: Mmm. [pause as she sets down her drink] So, Mom, do you think you and Dad are getting back together?
EMILY: Absolutely not.
LORELAI: Okay, got any peanuts?
EMILY: Your father has proven to me once and for all he's moved on with his life.
LORELAI: You don't think the moving on with his life would have actually included moving?
EMILY: No.
LORELAI: Okay.
EMILY: We attended the Dorman School Bazaar last week. It was a big, formal gathering. All our friends were there. And at dinner, he made me reach for the butter.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: It was sitting right there in front of him, and yet he didn't offer me the dish. He buttered his own roll, offered the dish to the man next to him, and that was it.
LORELAI: And that's why you think he's moved on?
EMILY: It was a total disregard for my needs. I might as well not have had a roll in front of me at all.
LORELAI: Well, Mom, I'm sorry.
EMILY: It's very upsetting. But at some point, you have to face the facts, and the facts are he's moved on, and therefore, I should move on also.
[Lorelai reaches for her drink in salute]
LORELAI: Absolutely. "Moveon-dot-Org."
EMILY: I think it's time for me to date.
LORELAI: [chokes on her drink] Oh, my God!
EMILY: I want to go on a date.
LORELAI: With... a man?
EMILY: No, a weasel. Of course with a man!
LORELAI: [tries to cover her ear with a free hand] I'm not hearing this.
EMILY: Why shouldn't I date? I'm still a viable commodity.
LORELAI: I need a paper towel and a valium, please.
EMILY: There are plenty of men at the club who, in the past, have made their interests in me known. I just need to figure out how to reciprocate their feelings. You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you're available?
LORELAI: Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.
EMILY: Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I did this, and I don't remember the proper procedure. Now, take me through this step by step. You see a man, you walk up to him, and you say...
LORELAI: Hello.
EMILY: Is that too forward?
LORELAI: No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters.
[Emily glowers]
CUT TO OUTSIDE ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE – FRONT DOOR – SOMETIME LATER
[Rory stands waiting as Lorelai exits the front door. Both slowly walk toward their vehicles]
RORY: Hey. My night was great.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: Grandpa made frozen pizza. Granted, he made it on a cedar plank, which was not what the manufacturer intended, but I got a chance to say a lot of things to him -- things about living in the pool house and about him and Grandma, and though I used veiled references, I know he got my point, and he is definitely thinking about it. How did you do?
LORELAI: Grandma wants to date.
RORY: What?!
LORELAI: She wants to date men who hang out at the club and who have expressed interest in her in the past.
RORY: What do you mean, she wants to date? You weren't supposed to make her want to date. You were supposed to make her want to get back together with Grandpa!
LORELAI: Hey, I told you not to make me have dinner alone with her.
RORY: What did you say to her?
LORELAI: I said, "are you getting back with Dad?" And she said he wouldn't butter her roll.
RORY: I can't believe you.
LORELAI: I'm sorry. I tried.
RORY: You did not try.
LORELAI: I did try. I just sucked at it. Look, she probably didn't mean it, okay? She's just mad at Dad, and she was just talking. Next week we'll switch. You can have dinner with my mother, and I'll marry my dad off to a nice baroness.
RORY: Don't joke.
LORELAI: Don't hate me.
RORY: I don't hate you. I can't hate the pathetic.
LORELAI: Good. Now, I have a complaint to register. Because of your flawed plan, I was deprived of Friday night with my kid.
RORY: I was trying to reunite your parents.
LORELAI: Oh, sure. Now they're my parents. So anyway, I was thinking, if you're not busy tomorrow, how about you come meet me for lunch at the Dragonfly?
RORY: What time?
LORELAI: 1:00-ish?
RORY: See you tomorrow.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: And stay away from Grandma.
LORELAI: Ooh, gee, there's a demand.
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN – NEXT DAY
[Lorelai leads Christopher down the staircase]
CHRIS: I like that it's got rooms. Very novel for an inn.
LORELAI: Mmm, the guests love it when they don't have to sleep communally. They pay extra for it.
CHRIS: Good squeaky stairs, helps sell the old-inn aspect.
LORELAI: Actually, we had those squeaks installed.
CHRIS: Squeakmasters?
LORELAI: Oh, you've used them?
CHRIS: Oh, several times.
LORELAI: Reception's over there, living room's through here. Hey, you recognize the bobblehead dolls on the mantel?
CHRIS: You put those out in public?
LORELAI: Hey, they are a cherished part of my childhood. Plus, all the dirty pieces broke off 10 years ago, so now they're just charming.
CHRIS: I like the jukebox.
LORELAI: I thought you would. And here's where we feed them.
CHRIS: You feed them, too?
LORELAI: And once a day we let them use the bathroom or sit on the furniture.
CHRIS: Classy joint.
CUT TO DRAGONFLY DINING ROOM – SHORT TIME LATER
[Lorelai and Chris are seated at a table. They both look through menus as a waiter deposits a basket of home-baked bread on the table]
LORELAI: So, I'm thinking you should order the steak sandwich and the garlic bread or – [to waiter] thanks. Or fried chicken -- seriously good fried chicken. Or, yeah, get the pork chops 'cause normally, eating pork chops is very similar to sucking on the pottery barn catalog, but Sookie does this brining thing in a saltwater bourbon solution. Sounds a little like laundry, but it's actually unbelievably good. [notices Chris grinning at her] Hmm. What?
CHRIS: Nothing. Just -- you did it.
LORELAI: [confused] I...
CHRIS: You did it. [waves a hand indicating the Inn]
LORELAI: Yeah, I think I did. [leans forward onto the table becoming serious]
CHRIS: How sappy is it going to sound if I say that I'm proud of you?
LORELAI: Oh, my God. So sappy.
CHRIS: Yeah, well, I am.
LORELAI: Thanks, Chris.
CHRIS: Yeah. Okay, so, I think you were trying to talk me into the pork chop.
LORELAI: [Chuckles] Yes, I was.
[Rory enters the dining room]
RORY: Mom. Hey, I –
[She recognizes her dad also seated at the table and comes to a halt. She thinly masks her disapproval.]
LORELAI: Hey, surprise! Look what Mommy dragged in.
CHRIS: Hey, Rory.
RORY: Hey, Dad.
LORELAI: [Chuckles] You haven't said hi to your sister yet.
RORY: Oh, right. [walks around and kisses the baby's forehead] Hey, G.G. Remember me? I'm Rory.
CHRIS: I show her your picture all the time.
RORY: [mild enthusiasm] Great. Thanks.
LORELAI: Your timing's perfect. I'm starved. Have a sit. Isn't this a nice surprise?
[Uncomfortable, Rory sits and stares at her lap unwilling to meet her dad's eyes]
RORY: Uh, very nice, yes. I like to see G.G.
LORELAI: How are you doing there, uh, G.G.? That thumb tasting pretty good there? If you soak it in a saltwater bourbon solution overnight, you'll see a major improvement.
[Rob, a bellboy, enters the dining room and approaches Lorelai]
ROB: Uh, Lorelai, excuse me. There's an incident in the front you may want to check in on.
LORELAI: Okay, Rob, thanks. I'll be right back. Don't say anything hilarious while I'm gone. [Lorelai exits]
CHRIS: Rory --
RORY: One thing. I've only asked you for one thing ever.
CHRIS: This wasn't my idea.
RORY: Stop.
CHRIS: Rory, I didn't call. After you asked me not to, I didn't. Your mother called me. [ Rory scoffs ] She called me because she hadn't heard from me in a while, and the reason that she hadn't heard from me in a while is because you asked me to stay away, and I did. Please stop shaking your head.
RORY: I don't believe you.
CHRIS: She called me, Rory. She called me. She asked me to lunch.
RORY: You didn't have to accept.
CHRIS: I had absolutely no good reason to say no. What was I supposed to do, tell her that you didn't want me to see her anymore? I didn't want to rat you out. I'm sorry. Look, I didn't even know you were going to be here. This is as much a surprise to me as it is to you.
RORY: Oh I see. So, you didn't think I was going to be here, so, therefore, it makes it safe to come because maybe I wouldn't find out about it.
CHRIS: No, Rory, no. That is not how it went down. You know what? I don't have to explain myself to you. I've done absolutely nothing wrong here.
RORY: Fine.
CHRIS: Look, I'm sorry you're upset, but you know what? Your mother and I have had a relationship long before you ever existed. We grew up together, we had a child together, and no matter what is going on, that does not change.
[Their voices grow louder]
RORY: Great. You knew her first. So that gives you the right to just waltz in and screw everything up?
CHRIS: I did not waltz in. I did not call her. You cannot make me the bad guy here.
RORY: Hey, if the black hat fits --
CHRIS: I'm your father, kid, okay? I think that demands a tiny bit of respect here.
RORY: Fine.
[Lorelai re-enters the dining room and sits back in her seat. She senses the tension.]
LORELAI: See, this is why I love this job. Michel has been obsessed with these guests who he swears are the notorious Bathrobe Bandits from the Independence Inn -- at least the moles match – [both Rory and Chris listen silently] so apparently, they were checking out, and Michel stopped them and demanded they open their suitcases, and they refused, so he grabs the guy's suitcase and starts tearing through all of his stuff, which, of course, went over really well. And when I got there, the wife was calling the cops, and the husband was chasing Michel around with a golf club. It took a comped bill and two free bathrobes in addition to the ones they had stolen to get them to drop the charges. Plus, Michel ripped his pants, and his underwear is pink and shiny. [Silence. Chris smiles weakly. Lorelai chuckles nervously ] Did I not h*t "pink and shiny" hard enough? Should it have been "his drawers are pink and shiny"? I'm confused 'cause I was going to h*t the Orpheum circuit with that materi
[Rory continues to silently look down without speaking]
CHRIS: [uncomfortable] Nope. Uh, nothing. Look, Lor, I should be going.
LORELAI: What? No, we didn't get our briny pork chops yet.
CHRIS: I know. I just -- I really need to get to my parents' house, and G.G.'s going to need her nap soon.
LORELAI: She can nap here.
[Chris gathers the baby bag and picks up G.G. from the highchair]
CHRIS: Oh, no, it's okay. The place looks great, really, and tell Sookie I said thanks from me, and bye, Rory.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Chris.
CHRIS: [OS] I'll call you later.
[Lorelai watches as he exits]
LORELAI: Okay, start connecting those dots.
RORY: Did you call him and invite him to lunch?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Did you call him and invite him to lunch?
LORELAI: Yeah, I did.
RORY: He didn't call you?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: He didn't initiate this?
LORELAI: No.
LORELAI: Rory, what is going on? [Rory looks stunned] Huh? Answer me.
RORY: I went to see Dad.
LORELAI: When, today?
RORY: No, a while ago, right after Sherry left. I told him that I didn't want him to call you anymore.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Mom... come on.
LORELAI: No "Mom, come on." Why? Why did you do that?
RORY: I didn't want him to screw anything up between you and Luke.
LORELAI: Oh, kid. You are so far off here. That is not going to happen.
RORY: Every time he comes back, he ends up messing up your life.
LORELAI: Not true.
RORY: It's completely true. He wants you back, and then he disappears or Sherry gets pregnant or he loses his job or he just takes off -- whatever. No good reason necessary. And it's been like this forever, and you just let him do it. You can't help it.
LORELAI: Rory, come on.
RORY: You can't just break free of him.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
RORY: You're engaged to Max, and then suddenly, you're not.
LORELAI: Christopher had nothing to do with Max.
RORY: Who was the person you were calling from your bachelorette party?
LORELAI: I was drunk. I tried to call Abe Vigoda, too, if you remember.
RORY: You're just always waiting for him to get himself together.
LORELAI: No, no, hon. I'm not always waiting for him. There have been times when, yes, it would have been nice to actually be with the father of my kid, but... not now. I'm with Luke completely.
RORY: What did he say when you told him?
LORELAI: Told who what?
RORY: Luke. What did he say when you told him you were having lunch with Dad?
[Stunned, Lorelai exhales sharply, but recovers quickly.]
LORELAI: Nothing.
RORY: He didn't care?
LORELAI: No, he didn't care. He didn't have to care 'cause there's nothing to care about.
RORY: [somewhat unconvinced] If you say so.
LORELAI: I appreciate you being concerned for me, but don't be. I'm good.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Let's order, shall we?
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK
[Lorelai and Sookie are walking together.]
LORELAI: She was so serious. You know how she gets really serious, like when she saw "The Way We Were," and she couldn't believe that Hubbell was going to leave Katie after she had the baby?
SOOKIE: Oh, I remember. She talked about it for weeks.
LORELAI: "How could he do that? She was the only one who cared about the blacklisting. She was the only one who thought he could write a novel." On and on and on. That's the face she had on today.
SOOKIE: She's just worried about you.
LORELAI: Then when she threw that "What did Luke say" thing at me.
SOOKIE: She's got a good left hook.
LORELAI: I lied to my kid, Sookie. I hate that I lied to her, but I didn't want her to think there was any weird reason why I didn't tell Luke.
SOOKIE: Was there any weird reason that you didn't tell Luke?
LORELAI: Sookie, come on.
SOOKIE: I don't know. Maybe you were afraid that he'd get jealous. I'd be afraid that Jackson would get jealous.
LORELAI: I was not afraid he'd get jealous.
SOOKIE: He did b*at up a car.
LORELAI: One time.
SOOKIE: That we know of.
LORELAI: No, I didn't tell him because it was no big deal. [ Sighs ] I thought it was no big deal. I should have told him, right?
SOOKIE: Well --
LORELAI: yeah, I should have told him. Now he's going to think I'm hiding something from him, and I'm not. Damn it. He's going to b*at up my car.
SOOKIE: [ Chuckles ] It's American. It can take it.
[They arrive at Sookie's house – Jackson approaches them carrying a giant set of "stage scissors"]
JACKSON: I came home from work, and I found these on the doorstep. What the hell is this supposed to mean?
SOOKIE: Hon, maybe it's just a joke.
JACKSON: No, this is not a joke. This is a thr*at.
LORELAI: Yeah, those people at Butterick Patterns play pretty rough.
JACKSON: This is the fish on the doorstep. It's the horse head in the bed. It's the "either your signature or your brains are going to be on the contract."
SOOKIE: Jackson, calm down.
JACKSON: I will not calm down! I told them I would not do any ribbon-cutting ceremonies.
SOOKIE: Who's "them"?
JACKSON: Them! The town. The lunatics who voted for me!
SOOKIE: Okay, could you put the giant scissors down and then do the waving around?
JACKSON: We have to move. Pack up. We're getting out.
SOOKIE: Okay. Or you could just ask them at the next town meeting not to leave giant scissors on our porch anymore.
JACKSON: Town meeting? Oh, no. No way. There will be no town meeting.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: There's going to be lots of upset people.
LORELAI: The town meeting is a 200-year-old tradition.
JACKSON: Tradition over! Only hell waits for me at town meetings. Spread the word. [stomps back into the house]
LORELAI: That's sweet. He's having sympathy mood swings.
SOOKIE: He loves me.
[They both follow Jackson into the house]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai sits in front of an untouched plate of pie and cup of coffee. Luke bustles around the diner, pauses beside her. In a cheery mood, he leans close.]
LUKE: How are you doing? You need coffee?
LORELAI: No.
[As he returns behind the counter, he's surprised at her answer. Lorelai shifts nervously.]
LUKE: No?
LORELAI: Sure.
LUKE: Sure?
LORELAI: Yes, coffee good.
[He grabs the pot and checks her cup.]
LUKE: Your cup's full.
LORELAI: Oh, well, then, no. No. Coffee bad.
[ Both chuckle. Luke begins wiping down the counter. ]
LORELAI: Hey, did I tell you about the Bathrobe Bandits?
LUKE: Nope.
[He continues industriously wiping down the counter]
LORELAI: Uh, well, very funny story. Back at the Independence Inn, there was this couple, and they would come in all the time and steal the bathrobes. They made Michel crazy, so today –
LUKE: Up. [indicates her plate and coffee]
LORELAI: [lifts the plate] Oh, right. And today, they showed up.
[Luke wipes counter under her plate while holding her cup.]
LUKE: Who?
LORELAI: The bathrobe bandits – they showed up, and they stayed, and then they were checking out and then get this -- the bellboy comes running over and tells me to "come quick. There's a situation in the lobby." So I come running to the lobby --
LUKE: You can put your plate down.
LORELAI: Right. So, I run to the lobby, and Michel is being chased, and the wife is calling the cops, and I comped their room and gave them free bathrobes to stop the yelling and the calling. This is a very bad story.
LUKE: It wasn't that bad.
LORELAI: This is the second time I told it, and both times, crickets. [ Sighs and takes a sip of coffee ] I mean, Rory and Christopher looked at me like I was Pauly Shore.
LUKE: Christopher?
LORELAI: Rory's dad. He came for lunch today. I had lunch with him today, and Rory. Had lunch -- Rory and Christopher and G.G., His daughter with Sherry. He brought her 'cause Sherry moved to France, so he's a full-time dad now, and we all had lunch, all of us together... today. And when I told the "Bathrobe Bandit" story, they all acted like that. Except G.G., who spit up 'cause she's a baby. That's what they do.
LUKE: Okay. [turns and walks into the kitchen]
LORELAI: [ Sighs with relief ] Okay.
[ Cell phone rings and Lorelai clears her throat as she stands to walk outside to answer ]
LORELAI: Hello.
EMILY: [OS] You get over here right now!
CUT TO EXTERIOR OF LUKE'S DINER
LORELAI: Who is this?
EMILY: [OS] This is you in 20 years! "Who is this?" I swear!
LORELAI: Mom, calm down.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE – EMILY'S DRESSING ROOM
[Emily frantically rushes around the room in her satin robe and slip. She holds up a hangered dress to herself and looks in a full length cheval mirror.]
EMILY: He'll be here in one hour, and I have no idea what to wear. You've got to come right now.
[scene switches between locations]
LORELAI: Who'll be there in one hour -- Dad?
EMILY: Simon McLane.
LORELAI: Who is Simon McLane?
EMILY: He's my date.
LORELAI: What?!
EMILY: I have no idea what to put on, I'm in a blind panic, and it's all your fault!
LORELAI: How is it my fault?
EMILY: Because I used your line, and it worked.
LORELAI: What line?
EMILY: [OS] "Hello."
LORELAI: "Hello" is not my line. "Hello" is not a line. "Hello" is hello.
EMILY: Well, all I know is I "helloed" him today, and now he's taking me to dinner.
LORELAI: [OS] Uh, Mom…
EMILY: If you don't get over here right now, I'm going to book a D.A.R. function at the Dragonfly every single weekend from now until I die!
LORELAI: I'll be right there.
[ Beeps the phone off and hurries away ]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE – EMILY'S DRESSING ROOM
[Lorelai enters to a room with clothes and jewelry strewn everywhere]
LORELAI: Mom? Are you -- [A bunched-up dress flies past her face onto a nearby bed] oh, God! Chanel att*ck.
EMILY: [OS] Look at the red pantsuit.
LORELAI: The... [looks around]
[Emily enters carrying two outfits. ]
EMILY: [frantically] The red pantsuit. The red pantsuit. Right there, right there, right there. [indicated with one of her laden arms]
LORELAI: I got it, I got it. [picks up the outfit] Here.
EMILY: Well?
LORELAI: Nice.
EMILY: Nice?
LORELAI: It's nice and red and panty-suity.
EMILY: It's horrible. He'll think it's horrible.
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: It's horrible. Simon will be here in 20 minutes, and I have nothing to wear. [tosses both garments she's carrying onto the bed]
LORELAI: Just tell him you're obsessed with "Butterfield 8" and go like that.
[Emily picks up another garment – dark colored – from the bed post and walks to the nearby dressing room door, picking up a second dark g*n garment.]
EMILY: I haven't done this in years. I have no idea what's appropriate to wear. I have no idea what's appropriate to say. I don't know what to talk about, what to order -- which one?
LORELAI: [ Chuckles ] They look exactly the same.
EMILY: They are not exactly the same.
LORELAI: Um, okay. Then... that one.
EMILY: Why?
LORELAI: Why what?
EMILY: [cross] Why did you pick that one? What was the logic behind your picking this particular one? Could it possibly be because it was closest?
LORELAI: [smiles brightly] Well, you know what they say about location.
EMILY: You're just picking anything so that I'll get dressed and you can leave.
[Emily shoves both garments into Lorelai's arms and walks back toward the bed. She searches frantically through a jewelry box]
LORELAI: No, Mom, I don't want to leave. I'm never leaving. In fact, I'm going with you.
EMILY: I'll never be ready on time. [ Panting ] I haven't finished my hair. I haven't finished my makeup. Oh, my goodness. I can't breathe. I'm actually having trouble breathing.
LORELAI: Mom, sit.
EMILY: I can't sit. I'll wrinkle my clothes.
LORELAI: You're not dressed yet.
EMILY: What? Oh, my God. I'm losing my mind. [they both sit on the edge of the bed] I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm dating. I'm single.
LORELAI: You're not single.
EMILY: [despondent] That's just a formality. You know, I remember the night I got married. Oh, I was panicked. I thought, "this is it. I'll never have a chance to be with anyone else. This is it for life." If only I'd had a crystal ball, I might have been able to eat my salad. I remember it looked delicious.
LORELAI: Mom, is this really what you want to do?
[Emily looks back at Lorelai with a serious expression]
EMILY: Yes, it is.
LORELAI: Okay. [ Sighs ] Wear the black.
[Lorelai holds out one of the gowns. Emily takes it gratefully]
EMILY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Mm-hmm.
[And in mid-step toward the dressing room…]
EMILY: What about the –
LORELAI: [without hesitation] – the g*n works fine, too.
[They exchange outfits and Emily disappears into the dressing room while Lorelai smiles smugly.]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW STREETS – EVENING.
[Jackson's vintage truck pulls around a corner as it drives down the street. Miss Patty waves her hands frantically from the sidewalk flagging down the truck.]
MISS PATTY: Jackson! Jackson, stop! Oh, Jackson! [the truck stops. She approaches the window] Oh, thank God. I'm frantic!
JACKSON: What's the matter?
MISS PATTY: My accompanist just passed out. [pointing toward her studio]
JACKSON: She what?
MISS PATTY: She was playing the tarantella, and then suddenly, she stopped and fell off the stool. Come on! [pulls open his door]
JACKSON: [concerned as he gets out] Well, is she breathing?
MISS PATTY: I don't know.
JACKSON: Did you -- did you check her pulse?
MISS PATTY: No. What a good idea. Oh, you're such a smart man. [grabs his hand and pulls him toward the dark building]
JACKSON: Well, thank you.
MISS PATTY: A little faster, honey. The poor woman is just lying there.
[Patty pulls aside the door and they enter the dark room]
JACKSON: Well, maybe we should call 9-1-1.
MISS PATTY: She's right over there in the corner.
JACKSON: Why is it so dark in here?
[The light switches on to reveal a room full of town's people. Indistinct conversation. Jackson quickly turns to the door. Kirk slides the door shut and bars the exit. Jackson swings around to face Miss Patty. She holds the gavel in front of him determinedly.]
MISS PATTY: The town meeting is now in session.
[Defeated, Jackson takes the gavel. He glances back to see Kirk making menacing gestures as if using giant scissors.]
CUT TO OUTSIDE THE FRONT OF T.J.'S HOUSE – SAME NIGHT
[A work bench is set up with tools, pipes and thermos and cups. Luke busies himself cutting a pipe on one side of the bench, while on the other T.J. waves a pipe-cutting tool at Luke.]
T.J.: You know, we work pretty good together.
LUKE: I guess.
[T.J. pours himself a cup of coffee.]
T.J.: No "guess." We do. We got, like, a rhythm, a groove thing. We can survive in the woods together, start a new civilization, if need be.
LUKE: I think you'd need a woman for that.
T.J.: Oh, right. Okay, maybe Liz could come, except we couldn't share her 'cause she's your sister, and that's a bad way to start a new civilization.
LUKE: How about you and Liz go start a new civilization? I'll stay here in this one.
T.J.: No, come on. We could solve this. Okay, Lorelai could come. And now her, we could share.
LUKE: Okay, no more new-civilization talk.
T.J.: Okay by me.
LUKE: Hey, T.J.
T.J.: Yes, Luke.
LUKE: Do you consider yourself a jealous man?
T.J.: Why, are you planning on cutting some pipe with another guy tomorrow?
LUKE: Never mind.
T.J.: I'm sorry. You were asking me if I consider myself a jealous man. I don't, and let me tell you why. Jealousy is bad. Jealousy is what landed me in jail... twice. I learned quickly that without an immediate influx of cash, I could no longer afford to be a jealous man. Supply and demand, my friend.
LUKE: So, you're saying if Liz had lunch with... an ex, it's no big deal, right?
T.J.: Right.
LUKE: Right. I mean, it's an old ex, a long time ago, ancient history. But if she had lunch, and she didn't tell you about it at the time, but eventually she did tell you, you should just let it go, right? I mean, you don't want to be reading anything into anything. You just make yourself crazy and her crazy, and then everybody's crazy, right?
T.J.: [angrily] Who the hell is Liz having lunch with?!
LUKE: What? What? No one.
T.J.: You just said she had lunch with an ex!
LUKE: Come on, T.J.!
T.J.: Was it Art?
LUKE: No, its not..
T.J.: I swear to God, if it's Art, I'm going to -- I told him never to come sniffing around her again!
[T.J. storms off. Luke yells after him.]
LUKE: Hey, T.J.! Hey, it wasn't Art!
CUT TO ELEGANT RESTAURANT – OUTSIDE PATIO - SAME EVENING
[Emily and a well-dressed gentleman, Simon McLane, are seated at a small, intimately lit table. It seems to be at the end of the meal. Soft music plays in the background.]
EMILY: I have to tell you, every time I hear Mahler's Seventh Symphony, I get ridiculous, giddy. It's like The Beatles on "The Ed Sullivan Show."
SIMON: Well, Mahler can do that to you.
EMILY: Did you see the Cleveland Orchestra when they were here last month?
SIMON: I went every single night.
EMILY: Oh, I should have done that. I went the last night and then to the gala afterward.
SIMON: Their conductor that night --
EMILY: Rudolfski.
SIMON: Did you know that he's deaf in his left ear?
EMILY: I did know that. [conspiratorially] In fact, I have a very evil friend who likes to sit next to him at all the gala dinners and whisper incredibly scandalous things into his bad ear all night long.
SIMON: Well, who knew Emily Gilmore ran with such a bad crowd?
EMILY: Oh, yes, I'm very dangerous. Ask my maids.
SIMON: Have I told you how happy I am you said hello to me at the club?
EMILY: Twice. And so am I.
[A waiter appears at the table]
WAITER: How are we doing here?
SIMON: We're doing fine.
WAITER: Would you like some more wine?
[Simon looks inquiringly to Emily. After a pause, she nods]
EMILY: Why not?
CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT DRIVEWAY – SAME EVENING
[Luke's truck pulls to a stop. Luke turns off the truck and turns to Lorelai.]
LORELAI: Okay, so, you know what's great about this country?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: If you try hard enough, you can eventually find a showing of "St. Elmo's f*re" on the big screen.
[Luke smiles]
LUKE: Yes, that's what gets us the good seats at the Summits.
[Luke exits the truck to walk around to her side]
LORELAI: Come on, admit it. Rob Lowe pretending to play the saxophone was incredibly hot.
[Luke opens her door]
LUKE: [dryly] Oh, I admit it.
LORELAI: And also, Andrew McCarthy at his best. Though "Less Than Zero" runs a very close second.
[They both walk to her porch]
LUKE: I'm sure it does.
LORELAI: You hated the movie.
[They both laugh]
LUKE: Yes. Although I love the fact that it got me out of a town meeting, so all in all, a very successful evening.
[He pulls her close, very close. They kiss. Lorelai draws her hand up to his shoulder and deepens the kiss. She breaks the kiss.]
LORELAI: You sure you can't stay?
LUKE: [ Sighs with frustration ] I've got really early deliveries tomorrow. I'll make it up to you this weekend.
[He squeezes her repeatedly in his embrace.]
LORELAI: I'm going to hold you to that, Mister.
[They kiss again. Repeatedly. Lorelai slips from his embrace and walks toward her door, gazing back with a twinkle in her eye. Luke reluctantly steps down from the landing.]
LUKE: Oh, by the way... it's fine about lunch.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: You having lunch with Christopher -- I just want you to know I'm fine with it.
LORELAI: Oh, okay. Good.
LUKE: Yep, all right. See you tomorrow.
[ Truck door opens, then closes. Truck engine starts up. Lorelai stares a moment, mystified. She glances at her keys before letting herself inside.]
CUT TO RORY'S DORM – COMMON ROOM – THAT SAME NIGHT
[Paris is seated at the sofa. Many containers of take-out/delivery food lay strewn over the coffee table before her. Rory enters from her bedroom to gather up some books on the table]
RORY: Breaking your fast?
PARIS: [mouth-full of food] Oh, my God. I love food. You want some?
[ Knock on door ]
RORY: I'm good.
[Paris jumps to her feet and shoves Rory out of her way toward the front door.]
PARIS: It's for me.
[Rory, reacts slapstick style, landing in a nearby cushioned chair. The door opens.]
MAN: [OS] Pizza. $34.95
[Rory picks herself up and walks to the door]
RORY: Need some money?
PARIS: Oh, I got it. Do you want to have some? There's plenty. [She takes two pizza boxes from a delivery man.]
RORY: No, thanks. I'm going to Marty's.
PARIS: Okay. [She runs back to the table and the door closes. She eagerly flips open the first boxes lid. ] Well, where's the cheesy bread? I ordered the cheesy bread.
CUT TO MARTY'S DORM – HIS BEDROOM
[Rory is laying on the bed quizzing Marty on their studies. Marty is seated at the foot of the bed struggling with the topic.]
MARTY: Okay, I remember something about Rome. Rome. Rome. Romans lived there. Uh, Audrey Hepburn took a holiday there. It's the name of a "B-52's" song.
RORY: Different "roam."
MARTY: [Sighs] Okay, that's it. I can't remember. College is breaking my spirit. Every single day telling me things I don't know -- it's making me feel stupid.
RORY: Oh, okay, I need a break. [Closes her workbook and leans back]
MARTY: I second that.
RORY: Oh, man, I'm tired. Living is exhausting. This week sucked. I'm so glad it's over.
MARTY: Why did it suck?
RORY: Just a ton of schoolwork and Ramadan.
MARTY: Oh, sure.
RORY: I broke up with my boyfriend this week -- that was fun -- [Marty watches Rory with concern] in front of a bunch of people at my grandmother's house. And then, because apparently that wasn't enough "Peyton Place" for me, I have this whole thing going with my dad, who's suddenly back in my life again.
MARTY: Yeah, dads can be tough.
RORY: I spent so many years just -- I couldn't wait till he showed up. And now he's showing up, and... I don't know. I'm just really tired. [lays down her head]
MARTY: You know... once I found out my father wasn't really my father... we started getting along much better.
RORY: Stop it. [Chuckles sleepily]
MARTY: I'm serious. Suddenly the pressure was off. If something happens, I don't automatically have to give him a kidney. I can weigh my options. It was a real turning point in our relationship. [long pause] So, you broke up with your boyfriend, huh? Rory? [ He looks over to see her sleeping peacefully. He crosses his arms over a pillow and sighs with frustration. ]
CUT TO LORELAI'S RESIDENCE
[Lorelai emerges from the kitchen, switching off the light. Carrying a bowl of popcorn she sits on a living room chair, picks up and contemplates a DVD to watch. Telephone rings, answering machine beeps. ]
LORELAI'S MACHINE: I'm exhausted. The phone's far. Make it short and sweet. [Beeps]
CHRISTOPHER'S VOICE: Hey, Lor, it's me. Are you there? [pause] Okay, well, I'm just calling 'cause lunch ended bad, and I'm sure you've talked to Rory by now, so you know why it ended bad, and I just wanted to talk. [Lorelai approaches but stops herself from answering the call] Give me a call when you get in. I'll be up late. Okay, bye. [ Answering machine beeps off ]
[Lorelai stands a moment. She switches off the desk lamp, and begins walking up the staircase.]
CUT TO THE ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE – OUTSIDE
[Simon closes Emily's door and they slowly walk toward the front door.]
SIMON: It's been a long time since I've had an evening quite as enjoyable as this one.
[She stops and turns to him]
EMILY: I'm choosing to believe you, Simon, partly because it's flattering and partly because I've had three glasses of wine and a lemon cello.
[ Both chuckle. Emily continues to the front door. ]
SIMON: So, do you think we could possibly do this again sometime?
EMILY: That would be lovely, Simon.
SIMON: I'll call you this week. Good night. [He grasps and squeezes her hand warmly]
[ Emily enters the house and closes the door, a bare trace of a smile on her face. The sound of a car engine turns over outside. She looks around. Camera angle changes to show her looking around a large empty house. Her faint smile transforms to sadness. Her hand covers her face as she breaks down and cries. ]
~~~ End ~~~ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x09 - Emily Says Hello"} | foreverdreaming |
Written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
Directed by Michael Zinberg
Transcript by Vicarious (Beta-ed by Stephie)
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW - SIDEWALK
[Lorelai is carrying a large garbage bag full of shoes and not looking where she is going. Miss Patty exits a shop.]
PATTY: Whoa, honey.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.
PATTY: Goodness, what's left to wear on your feet?
LORELAI: I know it's a sickness. Everyone thinks it started with Bradshaw but actually it came over on the Mayflower.
PATTY: What a wonderful history lesson.
LORELAI: Anytime.
[Man shouting in a foreign language inside a shop. Lorelai drops her bag as something flies out the door at her.]
PATTY: Pasqualie's feeling unappreciated again.
LORELAI: We had 'Stars Hollow Loves Pasqualie Day' last week.
PATTY: Didn't stick. Oh, listen. I want to invite you to my anniversary party.
LORELAI: Absolutely. Which husband?
PATTY: Oh, no husband, honey. I'm talking about a lover that's been much more loyal and seductive than a husband. I'm talking about that business we call show.
LORELAI: Ah.
PATTY: Forty years.
LORELAI: No.
PATTY: Forty years ago today I did my first play off Broadway.
LORELAI: [awed] Off Broadway.
PATTY: Cleveland.
LORELAI: That is off Broadway.
PATTY: Anyhow, I thought I'd throw a big party. Food, booze, a little song, a little dance. A little salsa down your pants.
LORELAI: Well, count me and my pants in.
PATTY: Oh, wonderful!
LORELAI: [picking up her bag] I will even drag Luke there. So if there's any audience participation, please pick on him.
PATTY: Oh, Luke won't come.
LORELAI: Sure, he will. I have very effective methods of persuasion. They include extremely high heels and all of Jessica Simpson's bath products.
PATTY: Oh, no, honey. The party's on Tuesday the 30th.
LORELAI: So?
PATTY: So, the 30th is the dark day
LORELAI: [dropping her bag again] What dark day?
PATTY: Luke's dark day. The day that he disappears.
LORELAI: Disappears where?
PATTY: Nobody knows. Nobody knows where he goes or what he does. All we know is not to try and find him.
LORELAI: Why didn't I know about this?
PATTY: I don't know, honey. Everyone else does. Anyhow you come yourself, ok? Eight o' clock.
LORELAI: I'll be there. See you Tuesday, Patty. [Walks into shop] Oh Pasqualie, the maestro! My god, you look virile today. Are you sure your wife won't share you?
PATTY: [watching Lorelai] Oh, she's good.
CUT TO YALE - RORY'S DORM ROOM
[Paris and Terrance are sitting on the couch in the common room.]
PARIS: I don't agree.
TERRANCE: You're living in a fantasy world.
PARIS: I have classes all day long.
TERRANCE: I hear you protesting.
[Rory enters]
PARIS: I've got a double major of Poly Psy and Bio Chem, Terrance.
TERRANCE: I see you over-scheduling.
RORY: Sorry, I'm just getting water, here.
TERRANCE: Paris, you're not yelling at me. You're yelling at the world.
PARIS: I'm not yelling at all. This is the natural register of my voice.
[Rory looks around the room and in cupboards.]
TERRANCE: It's the register of a timid little girl, who is not putting her self out there.
PARIS: I am putting myself out there.
TERRANCE: Why are you arguing with Terrance? Why?
PARIS: Look, I know I haven't dated lately but Asher was very important to me.
RORY: Hey Paris? I can't find my notebook. The black one with all my yellow notes in it.
TERRANCE: You have not put yourself out there.
PARIS: He just died.
TERRANCE: Oh for god's sake! He was halfway d*ad when you met him. [to Rory] Rory, has she been putting herself out there or not?
RORY: Out where?
TERRANCE: Out in the world. Has she tried to meet men since Asher died?
PARIS: You don't just meet people. It doesn't happen.
RORY: Um, I'll just go in my room now.
TERRANCE: Look at your dream log. You are months behind. And your pretty-thoughts journal.
PARIS: Ok, fine. I have neglected thinking pretty, but I hardly think I should be penalized for time lost while you were in court ordered rehab.
RORY: [picking up a note by the phone] Hey, Paris? What's this?
TERRANCE: I had a back problem. The prescription was at home in my Filofax.
RORY: This is a message from Headmaster Charleston. When did Headmaster Charleston call?
PARIS: Earlier.
RORY: And you didn't tell me?
PARIS: I'm in session.
RORY: [on phone] Hello, Headmaster Charleston? This is Rory Gilmore. I'm sorry it took so long to call you back. I just got your message.
TERRANCE: [to Rory] Sweetie, that was a little passive-aggressive. We should talk later.
RORY: So, um, how are you? [Rory goes into her room and closes the door]
HDM. CHARLESTON: I'm very well. How are you enjoying Yale?
RORY: I love it.
CUT TO CHILTON - HEADMASTER CHARLESTON'S OFFICE
[Scene switches between Rory's room and Chilton]
HDM. CHARLESTON: Is it everything you thought it would be?
RORY: It's nothing like I thought it would be. It's better actually.
HDM. CHARLESTON: I have no doubt. Now, I'm calling because we often ask a former Chilton student to host a prospective Yale student for a few days. Show them around. Let them observe classes, campus life. That sort of thing. I was wondering if you'd be interested.
RORY: Me?
HDM. CHARLESTON: Yes. This is a very special young lady. Bright, focused, quietly determined. She reminds me a great deal of you.
RORY: Thank you.
HDM. CHARLESTON: I assume you haven't changed.
RORY: Well, I've upgraded the wardrobe a little bit but I'm basically still me.
HDM. CHARLESTON: Excellent. Then I hope you'll consider accepting. I know your workload must be substantial.
RORY: That's ok I can handle it.
HDM. CHARLESTON: So I can take that as a yes?
RORY: Yes. Take it as a yes and thank you. I'm honored.
HDM. CHARLESTON: Her name is Anna Fairchild. She's 16 years old and she'll be arriving Monday morning at nine o' clock. Does that work for you?
RORY: That works perfectly.
HDM. CHARLESTON: Very well, it's a date. I'm very glad to talk to you again, Ms. Gilmore. Yale certainly sounds like its agreeing with you. I hope it will also agree with Ms. Fairchild.
RORY: Like Sabrina!
HDM. CHARLESTON: I beg your pardon?
RORY: Sabrina Fairchild. That was her name.
HDM. CHARLESTON: Have we segued into discussing a movie?
RORY: And we can segue right out again.
HDM. CHARLESTON: I'm very grateful for that. All right then, my office will be contacting you with the particulars. I hope you have a wonderful time. I'm sure Ms. Fairchild will.
RORY: Thank you, Headmaster Charleston. I won't let you down.
HDM. CHARLESTON: What a nice thing to hear. I'm sure we'll be talking soon. Goodbye.
RORY: Goodbye. [Hangs up]
CUT TO ELDER GILMORES' RESIDENCE - POOL HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory sit on a couch across from Richard in a chair.]
RICHARD: Well this is a very big honor, you know.
RORY: Oh, I know.
RICHARD: Of all the Chilton alumni at Yale they're asking you?
RORY: I know, I know.
RICHARD: Well, have you thought about what kind of things you'd like to show her?
RORY: Well, she'll go to all of my classes with me, of course. And I thought maybe she'd go to the paper with me and then I thought maybe a trip to the Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library.
RICHARD: Oh, you're going to show her the Gutenberg.
LORELAI: Steve?
RICHARD: Bible.
LORELAI: Right.
RORY: Then I was torn between taking her to the Hewitt Memorial Quadrangle or the Science Center and Gymnasium.
RICHARD: Huh, that is a conundrum.
LORELAI: Yeah, especially since she'll be snoring by then. You'll just be dragging her d*ad body weight around the campus.
RICHARD: Lorelai, these things are of great interest to any young person considering attending Yale.
LORELAI: Oh, I am sure.
RORY: I, personally, would enjoy every single thing on my list.
LORELAI: Yes, I know, but it wouldn't hurt to maybe throw a little something fun in. I'm not talking a kegger, but just walk her by the crazy drama students yelling "Give me a location," or something like that.
RICHARD: You know, your mother may be right.
LORELAI: Who heard that?
RICHARD: Well, a good college experience is a well-rounded college experience. It's important for you to show her that Yale students have fun too. Oh! Have her touch the toe!
RORY: Yeah!
LORELAI: Touch the toe?
RORY: The toe! The statue of Theodore Woolsey. It brings good luck to everyone who touches his feet and for that reason he has one left toe that's been rubbed completely shiny.
LORELAI: Wow! That is fun. Make sure you get a parent consent form for that one.
RICHARD: Oh, its so exciting watching you at Yale. It was such a wonderful time for me. The people that you meet there will stay with you for the rest of your life, mark my words. Tell me are you making good friends?
RORY: Yeah, I have some good friends.
RICHARD: And what about Mr. Huntzberger?
LORELAI: Who is Mr. Huntzberger?
RORY: Um, Logan Huntzberger is a boy I go to school with.
RICHARD: A fine boy from a fine family.
LORELAI: You know him?
RICHARD: His parents are very good friends of ours. Oh, you know Mitchum Huntzberger, Lorelai.
LORELAI: No.
RICHARD: He's been coming to our Christmas parties for years.
LORELAI: No.
RICHARD: His mother's on the pediatric hospital committee with your mother.
LORELAI: Oh! No.
RICHARD: Well, Logan is their son and I noticed that you two seemed to be hitting it off the other night.
LORELAI: The other night?
RORY: He's very nice, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Now I don't want to be too forward, but you made a handsome couple.
LORELAI: Uh, was Logan at the male-Yale party that you guys threw?
RORY: He was the one that gave me a ride home, Mom.
LORELAI: Oh! Limo boy. Swell.
RORY: He's also on the paper with me.
RICHARD: You know, his father owns some of the finest newspapers in the country.
RORY: I know.
RICHARD: Not a bad connection, huh? Nope, not a bad connection at all.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORES' RESIDENCE - OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Rory are walking to the main house]
LORELAI: Hey. So tell me about this Logan.
RORY: Its three degrees out here!
LORELAI: Uh, as of tonight, my father knows way more personal dish about you than I do. That's not right or fair. He doesn't get as much enjoyment out of the dish as I do. With him the dish is always half empty.
RORY: You're just talking to keep yourself warm, aren't you?
LORELAI: What is the deal with this guy? Are you dating?
RORY: No, we're not dating. He's just a friend.
LORELAI: How close? For example, if you freeze to death will he come to the funeral or just send a nice fruit basket?
RORY: I know him from school. He's just a casual friend. That's it.
LORELAI: Do you think he's cute?
RORY: It doesn't matter if I think he's cute.
LORELAI: Uh, it matters to me. I don't want ugly grandchildren.
RORY: Mom, I'm not dating Logan or anyone. I'm taking a boy break. Okay? I'm just concentrating on school. That's it.
LORELAI: Fine, but if that changes?
RORY: You'll be the first to know.
LORELAI: Okay, thank you. Cause there are not many ways I can outdo my father. Info on you and looking better in chiffon, that's about it. Oh and my pole dance is way hotter.
RORY: I'm frozen now.
LORELAI: Okay, let's go.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Lorelai walks in wearing Luke's flannel shirt and carrying a whole pie on her arm. Luke is at the kitchen table pouring juice.]
LORELAI: In my hand, ladies and gentlemen, sits the true advantage of dating a diner owner. I am never more than ten feet away from pie.
LUKE: Ah. See, I thought it was the way we always smell faintly of meat.
LORELAI: [climbs into bed] Ah! Its heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka, but hotter.
LUKE: I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.
LORELAI: Slap on a purple top hat and you're close. [Luke gets into bed] This is nice.
LUKE: Mm-hmm.
LORELAI: I think its going very well, you and me. Do you think its going very well?
LUKE: [rubbing Lorelai's leg] I have very few complaints.
LORELAI: Hmm, I'm going right past the "very few complaints" comment because I know you're just trying to bait me. What complaints? [Luke chuckles]Hey, so Luke, Miss Patty is celebrating her forty year anniversary.
LUKE: Which husband?
LORELAI: With the business we call show.
LUKE: Oh, him.
LORELAI: And she's having a big party and I told her we'd go.
LUKE: Oh man.
LORELAI: It'll be fun.
LUKE: It will not be fun.
LORELAI: She'll be wearing tap shoes. There'll be songs and punch and at least one story about Milton Berle's penis.
LUKE: Only one?
LORELAI: Come on! I have to have you there. Otherwise people will think I made you up.
LUKE: Fine, I'll go.
LORELAI: Thank you. Okay, so its Tuesday at Eight o' clock.
[ Luke sits up and climbs under the covers]
LUKE: I can't go Tuesday.
LORELAI: Why not?
LUKE: I have to go out of town.
LORELAI: Why?
LUKE: Business.
LORELAI: Business? Now your Willy Loman?
LUKE: Banking business in Woodbury. Standing appointment. Sorry. h*t the light, will ya? [kisses Lorelai] I have to get up early. Night.
LORELAI: [disappointed] Ok, night.
CUT TO YALE - RORY'S DORM
[Rory enters the room. Paris is at her craft table.]
RORY: Wait 'til you see all the stuff I got for Anna. Yale t-shirt, bulldog sweatshirt, Yale baseball cap, visor, coffee mug. I told you to open a window when your hot-gluing in here.
PARIS: Its freezing outside.
RORY: Oh wait. This is new. They just came out with these. The Yale soda-cozy. How cute is that?
PARIS: I can't believe you. You don't even have your loser card-swiping job anymore and you're buying all this crap for some kid you don't even know.
RORY: I'm trying to make her feel welcome.
PARIS: Oh she'll feel welcome. They all feel welcome.
RORY: Whose they?
PARIS: The enemy.
RORY: What enemy?
PARIS: Any girl under the age of 17 is the enemy.
RORY: Ok, I'm opening a window now. [walks to the window]
PARIS: They're coming for everything. They're going to take our jobs, our thunder, our starter husbands.
RORY: Don't you have a class to get to? [opens the window]
PARIS: They're coming, Rory. They're coming and they're going to keep on coming like the locusts descending on Mankato. We'll be beating them off for the rest of our lives.
RORY: Please don't be here when she arrives. I don't want you to scare her off.
PARIS: Me scare her off? Please, she's the one with the alabaster skin and perky breasts.
[Knock at door]
RORY: Do not say perky breasts to her. Do you understand me?
PARIS: Eve Harrington has arrived.
[Rory opens the door]
ANNA: Hi. I'm looking for Rory Gilmore.
RORY: I'm Rory. You must be Anna.
ANNA: Yes.
RORY: Great, come in. Did you find it okay?
ANNA: I got lost a couple of times, but people were really nice and got me here.
PARIS: Yeah, it's a friendly world out there. Isn't it?
RORY: Anna, this is my roommate, Paris, and I'm sorry.
ANNA: For what?
RORY: Trust me.
ANNA: Ok.
RORY: Ok, let me show you around the place. That is Paris' room.
PARIS: Don't go in.
RORY: That is my room and this is the common room, which is also your bedroom. Bathroom is literally outside the door and there's a fridge with water or soda or whatever you want. Oh and I got you some 'Welcome to Yale' gifts.
ANNA: Oh, really? Thank you.
RORY: I'm really glad you're here. You are going to love Yale. It's an amazing place. I mean I was excited when I first started here, but every day is different and better. You have no idea how much there is to learn. It's -- Well you'll see.
[Knock on the door. Marty enters with a bag of food.]
MARTY: Okay, I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a very similar result. [seeing Anna] Hey.
RORY: This is Anna.
MARTY: [gasps] Did Paris move?
PARIS: I'm right here, Marty.
MARTY: I know, Paris.
RORY: Anna, is from Chilton, my alma mater and I'm showing her around Yale for a couple of days.
MARTY: Oh, cool.
MARTY: I'll put this in the fridge... [Paris coughs] ...in my room.
RORY: Thanks. Ok, you ready?
ANNA: I'm ready. You have boys bringing you food!
RORY: Yale is a magical place, Anna. A magical, magical place.
[Rory and Anna exit.]
CUT TO YALE - OUTSIDE COURTYARD
[Rory and Anna are walking. Rory is talking, Anna writing down everything she says.]
RORY: The oldest part of the campus is, of course, the old campus. And it houses much of the undergraduate freshman class. It was g*n by Theodore Dwight Woolsey, president of Yale from 1846 to 1871. [Stops at bench] Over here is the Elihu Yale bench. Now Eli Yale was an officer in the British East India Company. He gave what was then called the Collegiate School 562 pounds, 417 books and a portrait of King George the first and so it was renamed in his honor. He actually gave an additional 500 pounds to the school, but Yale College never received it because he mistakenly sent it to the non-existent Collegiate School, apparently forgetting that Yale was named after him. [stops] Oh wait. This is the wrong bench. So keep the story but cross out the diagram. Moving on.
CUT TO YALE - HALLWAY OUTSIDE NEWSPAPER OFFICE
[Rory and Anna walk down the hallway.]
RORY: There's actually an ongoing rumor that you can automatically graduate and earn your degree if you become sufficiently fluent in Latin, Greek and Hebrew. Imagine all the tables you could wait with those skills, huh? [stops at door] Okay, you are about to get a first-hand feel of what it's like to work on a real newspaper. Now, be prepared. It can be an extremely hectic and fast-paced environment. Don't get intimidated and don't get in the way. Ready? Here it is.[They enter the room. It is mostly empty, save for a few people sitting around, doing nothing.] Everyone must be out getting a scoop or something, but you just wait. It could heat up in a second and when it does, man, watch out. My desk is over here.
[Paris and Doyle enter, arguing. Rory and Anna watch from the side of the room]
PARIS: I do not care.
DOYLE: Hey! I am the editor, Paris, and I demand that you tell me.
PARIS: I won't tell you where I got it, Doyle.
DOYLE: You will if you want to stay on this newspaper.
RORY: Okay, you are now privy to one of the classic journalist dilemmas between reporter and editor, the right to withhold and protect sources.
DOYLE: Dammit, Paris, you tell me where you got that pen right now.
PARIS: The pen fairy.
DOYLE: That was one of my personal fine point, gel tip pens from my bottom right-hand drawer and you went into that drawer and you took that pen and its mine.
RORY: Ok, for 'fine point gel tip' substitute 'confidential source deep within the administration.' Hmm, you get a little thrill. Don't you? [Phone rings]
DOYLE: And so help me . . .
RORY: Hang on a second. [on phone] Hey
CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN
[Scene switches between Yale and the inn.]
LORELAI: Question. Have you ever heard anything about Luke's dark day?
RORY: His what?
LORELAI: Well, one day a year he apparently has a dark day. No one knows where he goes or what he does. He just disappears.
RORY: I've heard nothing about this.
LORELAI: Ok, well, did we see him on November 30th last year?
RORY: How am I supposed to know?
LORELAI: Because, you keep all those crazy, a**l, Bob Graham kind of notebooks.
8:00 a.m. - Got up. 8:15 - Brushed teeth. 8:25 - Had impure thoughts. 8:36 - Sent dwarves off to work.
RORY: I do not have my diaries from last November on me, at the moment.
LORELAI: But you do have them?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: And they will contain where we ate breakfast that morning?
RORY: [embarrassed] Yes.
LORELAI: I love my little circus freak.
RORY: I'll call you later.
LORELAI: Hey! Did your mini-me show up?
RORY: Yeah, Anna. She's right here.
LORELAI: How's the tour going?
RORY: Its going great!
LORELAI: How many boring bench lectures did you give?
RORY: Two, but they were about the same bench.
LORELAI: [ Kirk appears in front of her.] You know what, I have someone standing abnormally close to me right now. I'll call you later.
RORY: Ok, say 'Hi' to Kirk for me.
LORELAI: Ok, bye. [hangs up] Kirk, what can I do for you?
KIRK: I have a business proposition for you.
LORELAI: Okay.
KIRK: How often do you slip in your tub?
LORELAI: Never.
KIRK: Okay, it doesn't work if you answer like that.
LORELAI: Constantly. I never stop slipping even when I get out.
KIRK: I thought so. Then my new line of bath and shower adhesive decals are for you. [Hands her a catalog]
LORELAI: Huh! Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.
KIRK: Yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors with tomorrow's traction technology.
LORELAI: Well, Kirk, this looks very impressive. . . [flipping through catalog] and, wow, very expensive.
KIRK: Well its yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors with tomorrow's traction technology.
LORELAI: Hmm, well, why don't you leave the catalog with me and I'll look it over.
KIRK: Could you look at it now? It's the only one I have. [They sit.] I like that one. If you put the fish's faces together, it looks like they're kissing.
LORELAI: [chuckles] Oh! Hey, Kirk, do you know anything about Luke's dark day?
KIRK: Everyone knows about Luke's dark day.
LORELAI: Do you know what it is?
KIRK: Not the details. Just that he has it once a year. I think it goes back a long, long time.
LORELAI: Yeah?
KIRK: Sure, I mean Luke's always had a touch of darkness in him. I guess we all do but Luke's a little more touched than some. He's kind of grabbed actually.
LORELAI: What do you think it's about?
KIRK: When I was in 7th grade, Luke knocked the books out of my hands.
LORELAI: [intrigued] Because of his dark day?
KIRK: No, everyone knocked my books out of my hands. I was kind of a target. I used to wear a cape to school.
LORELAI: Hmm.
CUT TO YALE - LIBRARY
[Rory and Anna walk through the library stopping in an aisle.]
RORY: Now, outside, we just passed the women's table which was designed by Maya Lin. She's also the one who designed the Vietnam w*r Memorial which, by the way, originally was a class project for which she received a B. The teacher who gave her the B also submitted a design for the w*r memorial, but hers was chosen. His was not. That's a life lesson to remember. This is Sterling Memorial Library, one of my favorite places on campus. It was built in 1930 and it houses over one third of the university's ten million volumes. I love libraries. I spend I can't tell you how many hours just -- [looking at Anna] You're not writing.
ANNA: Oh, sorry.
RORY: So, I come her sometimes late at night --
ANNA: I just love how everybody's dressed.
RORY: What?
ANNA: No uniforms. I love that there's no uniforms. College to me means no more uniforms.
RORY: Oh, right. However, wait 'til you're late to class and it takes you 20 minutes to put together an outfit. Suddenly you'll miss those uniforms.
ANNA: How many guys have you dated since you've been here?
RORY: Oh. Well, none from Yale. Anyhow, the books. Are you seeing the books? Everything you'd want to read is right here? [Picking up book] Feel it. Feels good, right? Now smell it. [inhales and sighs] Nothing, nothing smells like that! [Logan enters]
LOGAN: I'm sorry, excuse me, did I just see you smell that book?
RORY: [embarrassed] Hey, Logan.
LOGAN: Hey, Ace. Who's your friend?
RORY: Oh, um, Anna, this is Logan. Logan, this is Anna. She's from my high school. I'm showing her around campus.
ANNA: Hi
LOGAN: High school? No, I would've sworn you were a college girl. [Anna giggles] So is she showing you a good time?
RORY: I'm showing her everything important.
LOGAN: Hmm, good. Make sure she takes you by the pub. Local place, everyone goes there.
RORY: I'm not taking her to the pub.
ANNA: Oh, please? The pub sounds fun.
LOGAN: You don't have to drink. They do have coffee. It's a cool scene. Make her take you. Bring a book to sniff.
RORY: What are you doing in the library anyhow?
LOGAN: I got lost. Don't tell anyone I was here. It'll ruin my rep. Anna, it's been a pleasure. See you, Ace. [Logan exits]
ANNA: He's cute.
RORY: Yes, he is. But not as cute as Pushkin. Right this way, missy.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW - SIDEWALK
[Lorelai is driving down the street and sees Luke arguing loudly with a little old lady.]
LUKE: Fine! Do whatever you want!
MRS. THOMPSON: Well, I'm sorry you're so upset.
LUKE: You're giving me a week's notice! What am I supposed to do with a week's notice?
[Lorelai gets out and walks up to them.]
MRS. THOMPSON: Well, my son just called me from Florida to tell me about the condo, Luke.
LUKE: Fine! Go enjoy Florida. I hear they have great weather there. Terrific hurricanes. Make sure you bring plenty of plywood and bottled water!
LORELAI: Hey, hi, hello.
LUKE: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: I was just driving down the street and saw you and thought I'd stop by and say "Hey, hi, hello." Hello, Mrs. Thompson.
MRS. THOMPSON: Hello, dear.
LORELAI: So, what's going on?
LUKE: Nothing. Nothing's going on.
MRS. THOMPSON: Luke, please understand. There's nothing I can do. I've already found someone to rent the house and they have cars.
LUKE: And you just agreed to that?
MRS. THOMPSON: It seemed rather reasonable to me.
LUKE: Oh, come on.
LORELAI: [confused] Um . . .
MRS. THOMPSON: Luke's very upset with me.
LORELAI: Why?
MRS. THOMPSON: Well, his father rented the garage. He was building a boat and he didn't have room at his place. So he paid me to do it here and then when he died Luke continued to pay for the garage and now I'm moving to a nursing home and I need him to move his boat.
LORELAI: [to Luke] Wait, you're mad because this little, old lady is moving to nursing home and you have move your boat? Is this really the story you want to stick to?
LUKE: She called me out of blue and I paid for an entire month.
MRS. THOMPSON: I can give you a partial refund if you like.
LUKE: Where am I supposed to find a space to store a boat on a moment's notice, huh? Did you think about that for even a second?
MRS. THOMPSON: Could we sit down? The doctor says the screw in my hip is loose.
LORELAI: Yes. Yes, let's sit. Let's sit and calmly try to figure this out.
LUKE: No. No, I've got it figured out. Just haul it off. Trash it.
MRS. THOMPSON: Haul what off?
LORELAI: The boat?
LUKE: Yes, the boat. Scrap it. Find somebody to drag it away and cut it up for firewood.
LORELAI: Oh, now Luke.
MRS. THOMPSON: Who's going to haul it off?
LUKE: Anyone. Just find a guy with a truck and a hook. He'll strap it on and drive it away and send me the bill. I'm done. [Luke walks away]
LORELAI: Luke! [to Mrs. Thompson] I'll be right back. [Chasing Luke] Luke, stop! What, what and what?
LUKE: I have been paying that woman every month for 15 years.
LORELAI: Luke, she moving to a nursing home.
LUKE: And my dad was paying her every month 20 years before that!
LORELAI: Nursing home, Luke.
LUKE: I know where she's going!
LORELAI: She's not trying to hurt you.
LUKE: Whatever. [Starts to walk away]
LORELAI: Hey! Where are you going?
LUKE: Back to the diner.
LORELAI: Let me drive you.
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Luke, I can drive you back to the diner. I promise if we pass any senior citizens I'll let you jump out and pants them.
LUKE: Fine.
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - STREET OUTSIDE
[Lorelai pulls up in front of the diner. They sit in the Jeep.]
LORELAI: And over here we have the world famous Luke's diner, home of the best coffee on the east coast and the most delightful and chatty proprietor since Mel kissed Flo's grits. [Luke is quiet and makes no attempt to get out.] Okay, well, I should get back to the inn. [Luke is still quiet] I hope you've enjoyed your tour and don't forget to buy yourself a souvenir plastic monkey on the way out.
LUKE: Tomorrow's the anniversary of my dad's death.
LORELAI: [sympathetic] Ugh. Oh, hon.
LUKE: And every year on that anniversary I, uh, I disappear. I don't work. I don't talk to anyone. I get in this kind of a funk. Its like I'm --
LORELAI: You have a dark day.
LUKE: Yeah, I have a dark day. I thought I should tell you this because we're in relationship and I thought you might wonder why I suddenly don't answer the phone or I'm not around. Why you can't flip your hair and con me into going to Miss Patty's crazy anniversary party.
LORELAI: The hair flip is that effective, huh?
LUKE: Combine that with your black dress and you could probably get me to be your backup dancer.
LORELAI: I'll remember that.
LUKE: I've never told anyone this before. I don't really like to talk about it.
LORELAI: I guess that explains the thing with Mrs. Thompson.
LUKE: Yeah. Some timing, her springing this boat thing on me now. I'll apologize to her. [Sighs]You know he never finished that boat. It's been sitting there half done for 15 years.
LORELAI: Hey, Luke, don't you think you might have been a little too hasty about the boat decision. I mean your upset and I bet someday you're gonna be really sorry you don't have that boat anymore.
LUKE: No, its better she gets rid of the thing now.
LORELAI: But --
LUKE: I haven't even looked at that boat since my dad got sick. Not a glance, nothing.
LORELAI: Even more reason.
LUKE: If its gone then I don't have to deal with it. Its time to move on. You know?
LORELAI: But --
LUKE: I'm fine. Really. Thanks for the ride.
LORELAI: Anytime.
[They kiss. Luke gets out.]
CUT TO YALE - THE PUB
[Rory and Anna enter.]
ANNA: I love it here.
RORY: You love it here? We just walked in.
ANNA: I know but it feels so collegiate.
RORY: Actually, you know what is great about this place?
ANNA: Eli Yale drank here?
RORY: No, they make amazing cappuccinos. Do you want one?
ANNA: Yeah.
RORY: Ok you go sit and I'll get the coffees. [Anna sits and Rory walks up to the bar.] Two cappuccinos, please.
[Marty walks up]
MARTY: Hey.
RORY: Hi. You just get here?
MARTY: Yep.
RORY: You want a - [gestures to the bar]
MARTY: Yes, please.
RORY: [to bartender] I'm sorry, could you make that three cappuccinos?
MARTY: So, how's it going?
RORY: I think I may have overwhelmed Anna. Her hand cramped up about an hour ago and its been spasming ever since.
MARTY: Where is she?
RORY: She's right - [sees Anna at a table talking to two boys.] I turn around for one minute.[walks to table] Excuse me.
ANNA: Oh, Rory! Mark and Matthew were just telling me about a great party tonight.
RORY: Really? Well, that was very nice of them. Thank you. Matthew and Mark, was it?
MARK: That's right.
RORY: Well, how biblical. Ok, well, our schedule is completely full at the moment. [Anna's face falls] But if that changes, if things lighten up or if she suddenly ages two years in the next three hours, then we'll know where to find you. Ok? Bye-bye now. Bye-bye.
MARK: [getting up] We'll be over here, just in case.
ANNA: Rory!
RORY: Anna!
ANNA: Well, this is so not fair. [Marty sits down with the coffees.] You get to talk to boys.
RORY: What?
ANNA: Well, you were over there talking to Marty.
RORY: That's different. Marty is just a friend. [Marty's face falls.] Which is another great thing about college. You learn to have guy friends. Nothing romantic, just a good pal. Those boys are not interested in your friendship, unless the word friendship is tattooed on your butt. Now, drink your coffee. It's good, huh?
[Anna nods.]
CUT TO YALE - RORY'S DORM ROOM
[Rory's common room. Rory and Anna are in their pajamas.]
ANNA: Can I sleep with the TV on?
RORY: Um, yeah, as long as you don't wake Paris up, and that advice is for your own good.
ANNA: And if I can't go to sleep?
RORY: Then you don't go to sleep.
ANNA: I love that! I love not having someone to tell me when to go to sleep.
RORY: Yes, it's great.
ANNA [Giddy]: I love sleeping with the TV on, and I love having no parents around, and I love cappuccino, and I love apple muffins, and I love college!
[Paris comes out of her room, dressed to go out.]
PARIS: What's she on?
RORY: Four cappuccinos and three Red Bulls from the fridge.
PARIS: Enjoy your night. How do I look?
RORY: Where are you going?
PARIS: I'm putting myself out there, Rory.
RORY: Now?
PARIS: Yes now.
RORY: Its eleven o' clock at night. Who are you hoping to hook up with now? Spike and Drusilla?
PARIS: Just tell me if my lipstick looks too whore-ish.
RORY: Nope, just whore-ish enough.
ANNA: [excited] Going out at eleven o' clock at night! I love college!
PARIS: I may suffocate her when I get back.
RORY: If you can catch her.
PARIS: Bye.
RORY: Good luck.
RORY: Goodnight, Anna.
ANNA: Goodnight.
[Anna sits on the couch bouncing with excitement.]
CUT TO YALE - CLASSROOM
[Rory and Anna sit in a classroom. Anna is dozing off.]
PROF. BELL: Which brings us to this question, does Campbell's work successfully resolve the disparate stances of Jung and Freud when it comes to the collective unconscious?
RORY: Hey, pay attention. Professor Bell is one of the foremost philosophy professors in the country.
PROF. BELL: . . . All right. Let's call that close enough. But, now, Campbell can point to the repetition of the hero myth in culture after culture and say "Hey, Sigmund, like it or not here are the same basic characters over and over -"
[Colin enters]
COLIN: Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
PROF. BELL: I'm right in the middle of a class, young man.
COLIN: I know, I'm sorry, I just -- [Runs up to stand by Rory's desk.] Rory, you can't just walk out like that. Not after everything we've been through. You just left. I was still in bed. I mean what is that all about?
PROF. BELL: Ok, you need to do this later.
COLIN: I can't do this later. Rory I love you. I love you, dammit! How many times to I have to tell you? God! Just talk to me.
PROF. BELL: Ok, out right now! Out! Just get -
[Logan enters.]
LOGAN: Colin! What are you doing, man?
COLIN: Get the hell out of here!
LOGAN: She's with me now. I told you that. Let it go.
COLIN: I will not let it go!
LOGAN: She doesn't love you. Rory, tell him you don't love him!
COLIN: Everything was fine until you came along!
LOGAN: Oh, don't blame me because you couldn't keep her.
COLIN: I swear to god, I'm gonna k*ll you!
LOGAN: Oh, I'd love to see you try.
[Colin lungs at Logan. Boys begin fighting]
PROF. BELL: Stop it! Stop it, right now! Anthony, get security! Break it up! What are you -- Gentlemen, you are losing control! [Logan throws Colin over a desk and jumps onto him.] You are in a classroom!
[Finn enters wearing an old-time police uniform.]
FINN: [blows whistle] All right, that's enough! Break it up, you two! [Grabs the boys, while the Professor realizes this is all a joke.] Rory Gilmore, you should be ashamed of yourself, toying with these boys like this! They used to have pride! They used to have dignity! They used to have balls! [Starts to leave, but stops.] Dammit Gilmore, give them back their balls. [Boys exit room, but re- enter and bow, while class cheers and applauds]
CUT TO GILMORE RESIDENCE - OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Sookie drag a tree across the lawn towards the garage.]
SOOKIE: God, this is a lot of junk.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: I mean, who has three Thigh Masters besides Suzanne Somers?
LORELAI: Well, Mrs. Thompson apparently.
SOOKIE: You'd think if you had three Thigh Masters, you'd wear slacks once in a while. I'm sorry, why exactly, did you have to take all this crap?
LORELAI: It was the only way I could get her to give me the boat. Some guy wanted it and she got him to buy all her other crap. So, if I wanted the boat I had to take everything and that's what I did. I just have to hide it for a few days. Then, I'll move it.
SOOKIE: Where?
LORELAI: I don't know. Somewhere. The inn. I'll put it in the old s*ab out back.
SOOKIE: Are you ever gonna tell Luke?
LORELAI: Yes.
SOOKIE: When?
LORELAI: A week, a year. I haven't thought that far in advance. I just couldn't let her get rid of his dad's boat. What if we hang the Thigh Masters on it?
SOOKIE: Or get more trees!
LORELAI: Yeah! Or get more trees.
SOOKIE: Jackson's got some trees at home.
LORELAI: Think I could borrow them?
SOOKIE: Sure. We'll just wait 'til he lies down for his nap and sneak 'em right out of there.
LORELAI: Great! Then, I'll hop a fence and get Richard Widmark to sign my grapefruit.
CUT TO YALE - CLASSROOM
[Boys are sitting at tables, while the women stand in front of them.]
WOMAN: I'd like to welcome you all to today's speed-dating session. Many of you have been with us before. Many of you are first timers. So, for the latter group, here are the rules. Each couple will have one minute to talk and get a sense of the person across from them. When the bell rings, the women will get up and switch tables. Men, stay where you are. This will continue until every woman has met every man and after that it's up to you. Are you all ready? Then, let the dating begin.
[Bell rings. Paris sits down.]
JACK: I'm Jack.
PARIS: I'm Paris.
JACK: Did your parents travel a lot?
PARIS: Why?
JACK: Your name's Paris.
PARIS: No. Did your parents change flat tires a lot?
JACK: What?
PARIS: Or plug the phone into the wall a lot?
JACK: No.
PARIS: Great! So, we've cleared up that mystery. What's next on your fascinating list of talking points?
JACK: Uh, what's your major?
PARIS: Seriously, you've got one minute to make an impression and that's all you can come up with? You want to know my sign too, Jack? Or how about my favorite color? Or if I'm a Britney or a Christina? Here, I'll ask you a question. Was the last time you had an interesting thought, when you considered flinging yourself off a building? [bell rings] Bye, Jack. I'll write Mother immediately. [Sits down at the next table.] Paris, and no my parents didn't travel.
BILLY: Billy, and I have no idea what that means.
PARIS: Never mind. So, what's your story, Billy?
BILLY: Well, I'm a drama major.
PARIS: Ding, ding, ding! [stands up and moves to next table, seeing Doyle] Doyle.
DOYLE: Paris.
PARIS: Surprised to see you here. [Sits down]
DOYLE: I could say the same for you.
PARIS: So, you find any good prospects?
DOYLE: Oh, yes. One girl wants to have 11 children.
PARIS: Good god!
DOYLE: And the second one was cut off quickly, thank you by the way. I think the words 'latter day saints' were about to come out of her mouth.
PARIS: I can't believe I came here.
DOYLE: This is my third time.
PARIS: You ever meet anyone you actually wanted to date?
DOYLE: My bar is so not that high.
PARIS: [Looking around] I don't see one person in this room that shouldn't be sterilized immediately.
DOYLE: Right there with you.
PARIS: So you've been reading about those skeletons they've been finding on the island of Flores, right?
DOYLE: Oh, yeah, and they're only 13,000 years old. That's nothing in geological time.
PARIS: They made tools and probably had a language. And - [Bell Rings and the next girl tries to join] Keep moving sister.
DOYLE: They were supposed to be master hunters.
PARIS: Even though they were diminutive in size.
CUT TO YALE - HALLWAY OUTSIDE RORY'S DORM
[Rory and Anna are walking down the hall. Anna looks excited. Rory looks tired.]
ANNA: And then when that other guy came in, in that outfit! How great was that?
RORY: We also studied Dylan Thomas today. Why don't we talk about that for a while?
ANNA: Yeah, that was cool, but when Logan and Colin started to fight, that was so amazing![They enter the dorm room.] The teacher had nothing to say. Nothing! He just stood there. Think they'll get in trouble for that?
RORY: Oh, probably not.
ANNA: Oh god, that's great! The freedom! I mean you can do anything in college. No rules, no consequences.
RORY: Well, Anna, there are always consequences. You're getting the wrong idea. College is not just a crazy, wild, sleep-deprived hedonistic society.
[Doyle exits Paris' bedroom in her robe.]
DOYLE: Oh, it wasn't the TV.
RORY: No, it wasn't the TV.
DOYLE: This isn't what it looks like.
RORY: I hope not.
[Paris enters in only a pajama top]
PARIS: I told you it wasn't the TV.
RORY: [brightly] Hi, Paris.
PARIS: All right, fine. Doyle and I had sex.
RORY: Okay, Anna, get your coat.
PARIS: We met at speed dating and we considered having dinner first, but we both knew where it was going to end up, so we figured we'd just cut to the chase and save the calories.
RORY: Hurry up, Anna.
ANNA: Where are we going?
RORY: Dinner.
ANNA: Its only five.
[Rory and Anna exit]
PARIS: You have no right to be repulsed by my sex life!
DOYLE: [to Paris] This is an exceptionally comfortable robe.
ANNA: [in the hallway] Dinner whenever you want. Random sex whenever you want. I can't wait to go to college!
CUT TO YALE - CAFETERIA
[Rory and Anna sit at a table]
ANNA: Ice cream and cereal for dinner!
RORY: Yeah, yeah, yeah college rocks.
[Logan enters.]
LOGAN: Ladies.
ANNA: Hi, Logan.
LOGAN: How are we doing this fine evening?
ANNA: Oh, we're doing great. Do you want to join us?
LOGAN: Sure. [Sits down next to Rory] So, dull day, huh?
ANNA: Not for me.
LOGAN: [Looking at Rory] Someone's quiet.
RORY: Got nothing to say.
LOGAN: [to Anna] Do you get the sense that she's mad at me?
ANNA: Yes.
RORY: Hey, Anna, why don't you head on over to the fro-yo social. You remember where it is right?
ANNA: Yeah, but I just had three scoops of ice cream.
RORY: Kid, you're in college now, ok? Now go get yourself some yogurt.
ANNA: Are you going to come Logan?
LOGAN: Uh, I'm not sure how well I'll be walking here in a minute, Anna.
ANNA: Oh, ok. Bye.
[Anna exits]
LOGAN: That's not a good look.
RORY: I have no words.
LOGAN: It was just a joke.
RORY: Oh no, wait. I found some. Jerk, ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat boy, lowlife, buttface miscreant.
LOGAN: Buttface miscreant?
RORY: Why would you do something like that?
LOGAN: I'm sorry, buttface miscreant?
RORY: Here I am, trying to show Anna what college life is really like.
LOGAN: That is what college life is really like.
RORY: Maybe your college life, not mine. That was my class, Logan. That was my professor, who decides my grades and you made me look ridiculous to him.
LOGAN: No, I made me look ridiculous to him.
RORY: Oh, you don't think he thinks I was a part of it?
LOGAN: I'll talk to him. I'll tell him you were an innocent bystander.
RORY: The whole class was in a frenzy the entire time. We never got back to what we were talking about.
LOGAN: There's another class next week.
RORY: Ugh, I know that classes and the paper and Yale in general mean nothing to you, but it means something to me. Professor Bell's course is only six weeks long and you blew one of those weeks for me. I won't get that week back.
LOGAN: Look, you want to pull some personal time with Bell? My dad knows him. He'll arrange --
RORY: Please stop talking.
LOGAN: I'm sorry you're so bent out of shape. I didn't mean to upset you.
RORY: Anna thinks that Yale is just a big joke.
LOGAN: If Anna thinks that Yale is just a big joke after spending five minutes with you, then she was always going to think that Yale was just a big joke. Relax.
RORY: You and me? Very different people. I have to go.
LOGAN: To the fro-yo social?
RORY: Yes, I have to go to the fro-yo social. And yes, I do realize how incredibly stupid that just sounded. Excuse me.
[Rory exits]
CUT TO YALE - RORY'S DORM ROOM
[Paris and Doyle sit on the couch, in front of the phone]
PARIS: All I'm saying is, I just want a little information.Is this a relationship? A one night stand? The beginning of a series of late night bootie calls? I think I have the right to know.
TERRANCE: [on speaker phone] I hear you. Doyle, do you hear her?
DOYLE: I do hear her. I just don't understand why we can't decide this amongst ourselves.
TERRANCE: Because you can't, Doyle. Now, please tell Paris how you feel.
DOYLE: Well, I feel --
TERRANCE: Into the phone, Doyle. I can't hear you.
[Rory enters.]
RORY: Is Anna here?
PARIS: No. Why?
RORY: She didn't show up at the fro-yo social.
DOYLE: Eww. Do you blame her?
RORY: I have to find her.
PARIS: Why? Did you loan her money or something?
RORY: Just go back to what you were doing, please
RORY: [dials phone] Hey, Marty? Um, I lost Anna. I don't know where. Um, just -- Thanks. [to Paris] If she comes back here, call me.
CUT TO YALE - HALLWAY OUTSIDE RORY'S DORM ROOM
[Marty comes down the stairs]
MARTY: Any idea where she'd go?
RORY: No, she was supposed to meet me. I can't believe I let her go off by herself.
MARTY: Well, we'll find her.
RORY: [dialing phone] Mom?
CUT TO GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Scene switches between Yale and Gilmore's.]
LORELAI: Hi.
RORY: Where would a 16 year-old girl go for a good time?
LORELAI: Oh, how sad you had to come to me for this conversation.
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: You were 16 a lot more recently than I was.
RORY: I lost Anna.
LORELAI: How did you lose Anna?
RORY: She never showed at the fro-yo social!
LORELAI: Oh, ok. Relax. Sixteen year old girl at college? Uh, you have to check parties. Bars and Chinese restaurants rarely card.
RORY: No Chinese restaurants around.
LORELAI: The pub? Did you check the pub?
RORY: No. [to Marty] The pub. We have to check the pub. Parties and the pub.
LORELAI: Ok, call me when you --
LUKE: [off-screen] Ow!
LORELAI: Uh . . .
LUKE: Ow!
LORELAI: I have to go, hon. Call me when you find her.
RORY: Okay. Bye.
LORELAI: Bye. [hangs up]
CUT TO GILMORE RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH
[Lorelai exits house. Luke is rubbing his leg.]
LORELAI: Oh my god, are you ok?
LUKE: I smashed my leg on a Thigh Master.
LORELAI: I'm so sorry.
LUKE: Then, I tripped and smashed my other leg on another Thigh Master.
LORELAI: Sorry.
LUKE: Why the hell do you have so many Thigh Masters?
LORELAI: I have a really bad thigh complex. Are you bleeding? Do you want to come in?
LUKE: No, I'm fine. I just -- You left your glasses at my house. I thought you might need them.
LORELAI: [Luke hands her, her glasses] Thank you.
LUKE: I didn't you think would be here. I thought you were going to Patty's.
LORELAI: I am. I was just leaving but I don't have to go if you want to come in.
LUKE: No, its ok. I'm still going through my dark day. I'm gonna go.
LORELAI: Ok, sorry about your foot.
LUKE: [Looking at her garage.] What's going on with your garage?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Your garage door looks all weird.
LORELAI: Oh. No, it's fine. It's just jammed a wee bit.
[Luke limps toward the garage]
LUKE: You can't leave it open like that. You could ruin all your stuff.
LORELAI: [Following Luke.] No, no that's ok. Too much stuff anyhow. If a little bit gets ruined, it serves me right for being so darn materialistic.
LUKE: What are all these trees doing here? [Begins to pull trees away.]
LORELAI: No, just stop. Go back to your dark day. No, no, don't, don't. There's clowns in there. And puppies wearing costumes. And they'll cheer you up and then your dark day will be ruined.
LUKE: [seeing his boat] What is this?
LORELAI: It's your boat.
LUKE: I thought I told her to get rid of this boat.
LORELAI: She did. She sold it to me, along with all of her other crap. She made quite a k*lling actually. I just couldn't stand the idea that you might regret, someday, giving this boat away.
LUKE: Even though I said I wanted it gone?
LORELAI: Yes, I know, but you were upset.
LUKE: No, I was cranky. Now, I'm upset.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I just thought --
LUKE: You thought about you. You thought about you and how you'd feel. You didn't think about me or the fact that I said I wanted to get rid of this damn boat. I mean I said it, Lorelai. I said it, you heard it and you ignored it.
LORELAI: Because I didn't want you to --
LUKE: You have no respect for what I wanted! This was my dad. This was his boat and this decision was mine. This was not yours!
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: This is who I am. I don't want to hang onto things or stare at things.
LORELAI: Except my horoscope, which is absolutely the wrong thing to bring up right now. I'm sorry.
LUKE: I'm getting out of here.
LORELAI: No, I'm sorry. Please, just stay and yell at me.
LUKE: Why? What's the point? You don't listen to anything I say, anyhow.
[Luke exits.]
CUT TO YALE - OUTSIDE A BAR
[Rory and Marty exit a bar]
RORY: She's nowhere!
MARTY: She not nowhere.
RORY: This is all my fault!
MARTY: Well, there's more bars. We'll find her.
RORY: God, I'm so stupid. If I didn't have to confront Logan like that, I wouldn't have had to send her off on her own and we wouldn't be looking for her right now.
MARTY: We'll find her.
RORY: He's so frustrating, that guy. I mean, I don't know what I did to get on his bad side or why he just has to come after me.
MARTY: Oh, stop it!
RORY: What?
MARTY: He's not coming after you. He likes you.
RORY: He does not.
MARTY: [annoyed] Oh, please, Rory.
RORY: Marty, he does not like me. I mean, look at what he did. Look at that stunt he pulled. He totally humiliated me.
MARTY: Attention like that from people like Logan is like being tapped. You've been anointed. You're in.
RORY: In what?
MARTY: In with him, with his group. He likes you. Stop being so naive. Its annoying.
RORY: Marty. [Rory's phone rings]
RORY: Hello?
CUT TO CHILTON - HEADMASTER CHARLESTON'S OFFICE
[Scene switches between Yale and Chilton]
HDM. CHARLESTON: Ms. Gilmore, Headmaster Charleston here.
RORY: Oh. Hi, Headmaster Charleston. What's going on?
HDM. CHARLESTON: Well, not much. Thank you for asking. I was just wondering how things were going with Ms. Fairchild?
RORY: Oh, fine.
HDM. CHARLESTON: Yes?
RORY: Everythings great.
HDM. CHARLESTON: Wonderful. Then, I can inform Anna's parents that the underage girl the Yale campus police found when they broke up a rather raucous party is, in fact, not their daughter.
RORY: I'm sorry, Headmaster Charleston.
HDM. CHARLESTON: And what a help that is.
RORY: I tried. I just -- I turned around for a moment. Did she tell you about the bench? We spent a lot of time --
HDM. CHARLESTON: I'm sorry, Ms. Gilmore. I have to go. Some angry parents will be here any moment to talk to me. I appreciate the attempt. Good luck at Yale.
RORY: [b*at] Bye, Headmaster Charleston. [hangs up] The campus police got her. She came, she spent one day with me, and she got sent home by police. And I think I'm going to retroactively flunk high school.
MARTY: At least she's safe, right?
RORY: Right. Crappy, crappy day. You want to take a cab? My treat. [They walk to a cab. Marty opens the door] Thanks. [Rory gets in, but Marty stops]
MARTY: I think I'm gonna walk.
RORY: Marty . . .
MARTY: I'll -- I'll see you tomorrow.
[Marty shuts the door and walks away as Rory watches]
CUT TO MISS PATTY'S
[Lots of people are there, dressed up and socializing. Lorelai is sniffing her hand.]
SOOKIE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I smell like trees.
SOOKIE: You do? [Sniffs Lorelai's hand]
LORELAI: Mm-hmm.
SOOKIE: [sniffs her own hand] Hey, me too!
LORELAI: Now we're the crazy, pine-scented ladies.
SOOKIE: How's your punch?
LORELAI: It's good. [Lorelai looks distant.]
SOOKIE: You ok?
LORELAI: Yeah, fine. Just fine.
[Miss Patty gets on stage as people applaud]
MISS PATTY: Thank you. Thank you, everyone. I'm honored that you came here to help me celebrate 40 wonderful years on the stage. It feels so good to be here in front of an audience and so close to a piano. [Repeats, louder] So close to a piano. Kirk!
KIRK: [looking up from a book] Sorry. [loudly] Hey, Patty, why don't you do a little something for us?
MISS PATTY: Well, if you insist. h*t it!
[Salsa begins on the piano. Miss Patty plays maracas and Kirk plays a glockenspiel]
MISS PATTY: [singing] Way down among Brazilians, coffee beans grow by the million.
So they have to find those extra cups to fill.
They got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil.
You can't get cherry soda, cause they have to fill their quota.
And the way things are, I bet they never will.
LORELAI: [seeing Luke standing outside the window] I'll be right back.
MISS PATTY: [singing] They got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil.
CUT TO MISS PATTY'S - STEPS OUTSIDE
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: See there's a reason I stay away from people on this particular day. It's because I suck.
LORELAI: Oh, Luke, I'm so sorry. I should've listened to you. I should've stayed out of it. You were right. I didn't think. I mean I didn't think like you would think. I thought like I would think and my thinking is sometimes very, very wrong if you're not me. And occasionally if you are me --
[Lukes kisses her, interrupting]
LUKE: You keep thinking like you'd think.
LORELAI: I can do that. Do you want to come in? You can get drunk just standing next to the punch bowl.
LUKE: No, I'm still kinda --
LORELAI: I get it.
LUKE: I just didn't want us to --
LORELAI: We're not.
LUKE: Yeah, you go have a good time.
LORELAI: See you tomorrow.
LUKE: Yeah, you'll see me tomorrow.
[They kiss. Luke walks away while Lorelai watches]
CUT TO GILMORE RESIDENCE - LORELAI'S GARAGE
[Luke walks in and looks at the boat. He rubs his hand along side of it, thinking]
CUT TO YALE - OUTSIDE COURTYARD
[Logan is standing with Finn and Colin, drinking coffee.]
RICHARD: Logan
LOGAN: Huh? Richard? Wow, this a pleasant surprise. Finn, Colin, you know Richard don't you?
RICHARD: Well, my boys, nice to see you. Logan, I wanted to talk to you. I just heard about the incident.
LOGAN: The?
RICHARD: I heard that you professed your feelings for Rory.
LOGAN: [confused] What?
RICHARD: Mr. Bell is a very dear friend of mine. As is the Dean of Admissions. Well, you know this place. News travels fast.
LOGAN: Yeah, look . . .
RICHARD: I have to tell you that while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is a proper time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them.
LOGAN: No, I know. I --
RICHARD: However, what's done is done. It's out. So I've dropped by to tell you that I've spoken to your father.
[Colin and Finn look at each other.]
LOGAN: My father?
RICHARD: We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing.
LOGAN: Ok, I think there's been . . .
RICHARD: Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner for next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony. Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so not to worry. That's all taken care of.
LOGAN: But --
RICHARD: She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan, welcome to the family, son.
[Richard walks away, touching his nose. Rory, hidden, signals back, touching her nose]
CUT TO YALE - INSIDE VESTIBULE
[Rory runs up to Richard, excited.]
RICHARD: I do hope one of his dopey-looking friends knows CPR or he just might not make it.
RORY: You're the best, Grandpa.
RICHARD: All right, who's next? Is Paris giving you any trouble?
RORY: Not any more than usual. However, there is a girl in my Modern Poetry class who keeps kicking my chair.
[They begin walking down the hall]
RICHARD: Ah, I do love this place.
RORY: Right back at you, Grandpa.
[Fade out.] | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x10 - But Not as Cute as Pushkin"} | foreverdreaming |
Written by Daniel Palladino
Directed by Matthew Diamond
Transcribed by Kristina Smith for TWIZ TV.COM
Feedback welcome! play_kricket(a)hotmail.com
[Episode opens with scenes from previous episodes.]
LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke and Lorelai are asleep. Lorelai wakes up and leans toward Luke.]
LORELAI: Hey. Wake up.
LUKE: Huh?
LORELAI: Wake up.
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Come on, you're missing it.
LUKE: Is "it" sleep? 'Cause you'd be right.
LORELAI: Smell the air. Smell it.
[She pulls the blankets off him.]
LUKE: It smells cold.
LORELAI: Come on.
LUKE: What? No, it's freezing.
LORELAI: Come on!
[She pulls him out of bed.]
LUKE [grunting]: The floor's cold.
LORELAI: Geez, you're so obsessed with the cold.
LUKE: Because it's cold!
LORELAI: I know.
[Luke growls.]
LORELAI [mimicking]: Grumble, grumble.
[She leads him out the door.]
STAR'S HOLLOW STREET - OUTSIDE LUKE'S
[Lorelai walks to the middle of the street and stops. Luke follows grudgingly.]
LUKE: I'm turning numb.
LORELAI: Keep moving.
LUKE: Are my feet still attached to my body or did they snap off coming down the stairs?
LORELAI [looks]: They're still there.
LUKE: Why are we out here?
LORELAI: Take a deep breath.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Do it.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. I smell snow.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It's coming. I always know. I can smell it, and I'm never wrong.
LUKE: It wasn't in the forecast.
LORELAI [sighs happily]: It's just my favorite time of the year. The whole world changes color.
LUKE: I think I'm blacking out.
LORELAI: Flakes, flurries, swirls, crystals, whatever form it comes in. I'll take it. We go back, snow and me. We have a beautiful history.
LUKE: Saw two forecasts, there was no mention of snow. Cold, but no snow.
LORELAI: Sleigh rides, ice skating, snowball fights. I'll even take curling. God, I love curling!
LUKE: Lance Cranston on Channel 6 said it would be dry. Kimmy Liston, Live at 5, same thing. No snow, nothing.
LORELAI: Hot cocoa, hot toddies. Best time of the year!
LUKE: Jimmy Mountain in Accu-Chopper One said it would be weeks before -
[He stops and looks up as the snow starts to fall.]
LUKE: Lance and Kimmy are idiots.
LORELAI: Welcome, friend.
LUKE: I'm going inside now.
LORELAI: But -
LUKE: One more whiff, and then so are you.
LORELAI: Luke -
[Luke pulls away and walks back into the diner. Lorelai smiles as she looks up at the snow falling.]
[Opening credits.]
LUKE'S DINER
[A group of town men are sitting around a table.]
ANDREW: Streetwalker.
TAYLOR: Too urban.
MAN #1: Concubine.
MAN #2: Seems high-falutin.
REVEREND: Anyone seen Farewell My Concubine? Beautiful film. Gorgeous cinematography.
TAYLOR: I'm surprised you see such adult fare, Reverend.
REVEREND: Well, do you picture me watching Sound of Music every night, Taylor? Gag me.
[Luke comes over with a coffee pot.]
MAN #2: Scarlet woman.
TAYLOR: I like it.
ANDREW: Too Nathaniel Hawthorne.
LUKE: Who?
ANDREW: Read a book.
MAN #1: Harlot.
MAN #2: Naw.
REVEREND: Woman of accomadating morals.
MAN #1: Too long
ANDREW: Hot mutton.
TAYLOR: I wouldn't know where to begin.
LUKE: What are you guys doing?
TAYLOR: Well, the first snow has come along, Luke, and with the first snow comes the town's Revolutionary w*r Re-enactment.
LUKE: Always a heel-clicking good time.
TAYLOR: Oh, well, we've got a big surprise for everybody this year.
LUKE: Great, I'll pretend I'm interested.
REVEREND: It's a big deal, Luke.
LUKE: Yeah, it's the same thing every year, Reverend. You guys re-enact the time a bunch of pig-headed morons stood outside all night in the freezing snow waiting for a battle that never happened.
MAN #1: This year is different, crank.
TAYLOR: A local historian uncovered new evidence of Star's Hollow's participation in the Revolution. Apparently, an English battalion was awaiting the return of their commanding general with plans for a big battle. Our soldiers caught wind of this and blocked the high road so that the general had to travel by the lower road, through town, to reach his troops.
LUKE: So, they kidnapped him.
[The men laugh.]
TAYLOR: No, they were much slyer than that. They had a brave lady of the town use her wiles to draw the general to her rooms and keep him occupied. That delayed the general's arrival which allowed Lafayette the opportunity to ambush the waiting British troops.
LUKE: A hooker stopped a battle.
MAN #2: We're not calling her a hooker.
REVEREND: It's too "Baretta".
MAN #1: That's what we're doing now, trying to figure out what the hell to call her.
ANDREW: Bit of stuff.
MAN #1: Too Monty Python.
TAYLOR: This new re-enactment is going to be a huge boost to tourism, Luke. The local press is all excited to cover it.
LUKE: Well then they're very easily amused.
TAYLOR: Got a big casting session soon to pick the lucky townswoman to play our special lady.
MAN #2: She should be thin.
ANDREW: But not too thin.
MAN #1: Know anybody who fits the bill?
LUKE: Not off-hand, but if I run into any moderately-weighted whores in my travels, I'll let you know.
[He returns to the counter as Lorelai comes down the stairs.
TAYLOR: Well, Patty is ready to go...
LORELAI: Morning.
LUKE: Good morning again.
LORELAI: Oh, cool, the re-enactors are meeting. Another wonderful by-product of snow.
LUKE: Oh, yes, they're cooking up something very special. You want coffee?
LORELAI: No. I'm late, so I'll just grab it at the inn. I'm actually looking forward to having my first cup of joe in my new, snow covered inn and - why are the re-enactors staring at me?
LUKE: You wouldn't believe it if I told you.
LORELAI: The Reverend is blushing. Why is he blushing?
LUKE: I'd walk out of here is I was you. And try not to walk too sexy.
LORELAI: Okay. You'll explain that to me later?
LUKE: I'd enjoy that.
LORELAI: Okay. [She walks by the table.] Hi, guys.
REVEREND [To the others]: Pretty lady.
ANDREW: Too thin.
MAN #2: This is not about your taste, Andrew.
ANDREW: I'm going for historical accuracy's side. Women were heavier back then.
MAN #1: How about your wife?
MAN #2: You want a sock in the nose?
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE
{Emily is walking through the house talking on a cordless phone.]
EMILY: No, no, Jean, that works perfectly with my schedule. It's been forever since we've seen each other. [pause] Oh, I'd love that! Mirabelle is still one of my favorite – oh!
[She jumps back, shocked to see a shivering little white dog sitting outside.]
EMILY: Oh my God! Oh my God! No, uh, Jean, hang on a second, will you?
[She pushes a button on the phone. Richard's cell phone rings. He picks it up. Scene cuts between the pool house and the main house.]
RICHARD: Hello?
EMILY: There's a dog on the patio!
RICHARD: What? Emily?
EMILY: Of course it's Emily!
RICHARD: I'm sorry. You sound agitated.
EMILY: Did you get a dog?
RICHARD: Certainly not!
EMILY: Well, there's a dog on the patio.
RICHARD: Well, where are you?
EMILY: Inside! Richard, do something!
RICHARD: I can't see it from here.
EMILY: Well, he's here nonetheless, and he's looking at me! Richard, the dog is looking at me!
RICHARD: Hold on.
EMILY: I'm holding, but what are we going to – Richard? [To the dog] Shoo! Shoo!
[Richard is out on the patio. They continue to talk on the phone.]
EMILY: Now do you believe me?
RICHARD: Well, I wasn't doubting you, Emily, I just couldn't see it.
EMILY [pointing at the f*re poker in his hand]: What is that?
RICHARD: Oh, you made it sound like it was a rabid beast, so I came prepared.
EMILY: Don't get too close.
RICHARD: I don't see any froth on his mouth.
EMILY: Well, that's something.
RICHARD: I see a collar but no tags. That isn't very smart.
EMILY: You're getting too close.
RICHARD: Well, what should I do? It's freezing out here. We can't let it roam around.
EMILY: Well it can't come into the house.
RICHARD: Why someone would fail to put a tag on a dog –
EMILY: Take it to the pool house.
RICHARD: What? Why?
EMILY: Well, that's why we have it.
RICHARD: We have a pool house for stray dogs? Love the innuendo, Emily. Fine. I will take him into the pool house.
EMILY: Thank you, Richard. I came out and he was just sitting there.
RICHARD: It's a he?
EMILY: I don't know.
RICHARD: Well, I can't get a visual from this angle.
EMILY: It's not important.
RICHARD: Dog! I want you to come with me. Come along, dog!
[The dog gets up and follows Richard to the pool house.]
EMILY: He's following you.
RICHARD: Seems to be working!
EMILY: Good job, Richard!
INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai comes in the front door.]
LORELAI: Hey! You know who just nipped at my nose? Jack Frost.
MICHEL: Huh. You know who just nipped at my ear? Jack I-Don't-Care.
LORELAI: Look outside, Michel. It's the first time we've seen the Inn blanketed by snow. It's like a postcard.
MICHEL: I know. I haven't been this excited since Madonna just dropped by Total Request Live.
LORELAI: The floor's a little wet, are we getting the mats out?
MICHEL: We are without mats.
LORELAI: That's impossible, we ordered them eight months ago. We got confirmation.
MICHEL: They were back-ordered and due within two weeks. Two weeks turned into eight months, and all we have to show for it is our special yellow back-order receipt. Such cheap paper they use at the mat place. That should have been a clue.
LORELAI: What else can we put down?
MICHEL: Oh, plenty. I saw two movies over the weekend. They were both awful.
LORELAI: No, I meant put down on the floor so our guests don't slip and fall. We have to find something.
MICHEL: The good news is that there will be less people here who could possibly slip.
[They walk over to the reception desk.]
LORELAI: What do you mean, less people?
MICHEL: We've had four cancellations in the last hour.
LORELAI: Why? What happened?
MICHEL: All due to snow.
LORELAI: Snow? Our beautiful snow?
MICHEL: People say it is cold, the streets are bad –
LORELAI: The streets are fine. They're plowing away out there. A graceful, gorgeous plow was pushing the snowy white out of the street right behind me, it was beautiful.
MICHEL: They wanted nice weather.
LORELAI: This is nice weather. It's classic Connecticut inn weather. It's all the more reason to come.
MICHEL: I would advise that you change our cancellation policy. These people cancel and have to pay nothing.
LORELAI: I hate charging people for canceling. It's too corporate. We're doing things differently here.
MICHEL: Oh, yes. Bankruptcy will be fun and different. Be sure to file for it while it's snowing, won't you? We'll go down to bankruptcy court in a horse-drawn sleigh.
LORELAI [sighs]: Try to find mats.
MICHEL: I'll do what I can.
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Hey, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Good morning.
LORELAI: How are you loving our winter wonderland?
SOOKIE: My car wouldn't start this morning.
LORELAI: Oh, drag.
SOOKIE: And we're almost completely out of coffee.
LORELAI: Oh, well. So, make some more.
SOOKIE: I mean out, out. There's no more on the premises.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
SOOKIE: I wish I was.
LORELAI: But there's mounds of it stacked in the walk-in. Heroin-sniffing dogs get all excited and confused when they go in there.
SOOKIE: Why do they get all excited and confused?
LORELAI: Because you smuggle heroin in coffee.
SOOKIE [gasps]: No, I don't!
LORELAI: It was in Beverly Hills Cop, remember? The heroin in the coffee? Why are you taking everything so literally?
SOOKIE [whining]: My car wouldn't start!
LORELAI: Since when does that make you take things literally?
SOOKIE: Wait, I'm sorry, when were there dogs in the walk-in?
LORELAI: I'm just saying, we had a lot of coffee. Until now, apparently.
SOOKIE: ‘Cause we're switching suppliers. I found that new blend, you remember? You tasted it, you said it tasted great.
LORELAI: I liked it. I remember.
[She pours herself some coffee.]
SOOKIE: So I'm letting the old stuff run out because the new stuff's coming in but the new stuff is back-ordered, so it never came in.
LORELAI: Well, send out for more, immediately.
MICHEL [interrupting]: Not possible.
LORELAI: Why?
MICHEL: Remember those wonderful snowplows you were writing a sonnet to not five minutes ago? Well, one of them dumped a ten-foot mountain of snow in our driveway. There is no getting in or out.
LORELAI: Unbelievable.
MICHEL: Well, it's not so bad, because with the cancellations, no one's coming today anyway.
LORELAI: Yes, but we have to get out, to go home, eventually, and to get coffee now. So start the guys digging.
MICHEL: You mean I should get the one guy who did not call in sick because of the snow and the cold to get digging?
LORELAI: Yes, get him digging! [Michel goes.] It's okay, it's all good. Snow will be dug and mats will be found, coffee will be bought, everything's good.
SOOKIE: By the way.
LORELAI: Yeah.
SOOKIE: There are some people out there eating breakfast, and –
LORELAI: And –
SOOKIE: And they're drinking coffee. [She takes the coffee cup from Lorelai and heads for the dining room.] Customers.
YALE DORMS - RORY'S COMMON ROOM
[Rory comes out of her room. Paris is on the couch.]
RORY: Good morning.
PARIS: Stupid C-span.
RORY: What?
PARIS: Stupid C-span's had me on hold forever and I've got to get going.
RORY: Well, you're not the only one who calls C-span, Paris.
PARIS: Right. There are a lot of us. Like the guy who asked the question about Iran's long-range m*ssile production and nuclear capacity, then shouted Ba Ba Booie! Him they put on. Me they've got twiddling my thumbs.
[Paris goes into her room. Rory opens the door; Christopher is standing there.]
RORY: Dad.
CHRIS: Hey, kiddo.
RORY: What are you doing here?
CHRIS: Aw, I was just in the neighborhood, I thought I'd look you up.
RORY: Did you bring the baby?
CHRIS: Baby's getting spoiled by her grandma. So where are you headed?
RORY: I have class.
CHRIS: Right. College. Classes. I've seen Oxford Blues, I should have put that together. So this is your place, huh?
RORY: Yeah. It's a little messy right now. [Paris walks out of her room.] That's Paris.
CHRIS: We've met. Hi, Paris.
PARIS: Hello. [On the phone] Yeah, I've got a suggestion for getting you guys out of the ratings basement. And putting me on hold is not one of them.
RORY: So, you were just passing through?
CHRIS: Yeah, I was in the area, or the area near the area, so how about breakfast?
RORY: Oh, I don't have time.
CHRIS: It's the most important meal of the day.
RORY: And the most skipped around here. Mornings are busy.
CHRIS: Forget busy. Forget class. Play hooky, have breakfast with me. Come on. We can all go together if you want. Paris?
PARIS: I am kind of hungry. And C-span can kiss my ass.
CHRIS: Okay, then, we're on.
RORY: Dad –
CHRIS: We can walk, we can drive, whatever –
RORY: Dad, no! I have to go. I can't be any clearer, okay?
[She leaves Chris standing at the door and walks down the hall.]
CHRIS: Rory –
INDEPENDENCE INN - LOBBY
[Lorelai is on the phone.]
LORELAI: Well, we can certainly rebook you, because we'd love to have you come anytime. Really. But if you reconsidered your cancellation and came in now you would find nothing less than a magical wonderland. A snowy xanadu of goodness. Really. Bing Crosby's warming up his pipes over by the fireplace. Magical. [Pause] Mm-hm. Yes, driving in the snow is tricky. [Pause] No, I don't think I could get Bing Crosby to come pick you up. [Pause] Okay. Well, just check your calendar and call me back, and I'll be here to rearrange it. Thank you. Bye.
[She walks toward the dining room as Michel enters wearing a furry hat and carrying a shovel. She nearly slips on the wet floor.]
MICHEL [laughing]: That was very graceful.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm desperate for those mats.
MICHEL: I had been working on the mats but you asked me to shovel the snow. And now I have a blister, a muscle spasm and a neck crick and I have a date tonight, and a crick will cramp my kissing move.
[They go into the dining room. Lorelai clears dishes while Michel removes his outerwear.]
LORELAI: Well, I appreciate your effort.
MICHEL: Are you being sarcastic?
LORELAI: Just a tiny bit.
MICHEL: You know that I am light-boned and cannot take physical exertion. I work with my mind.
LORELAI: Well, you're excused from shoveling duty, just focus on the mats.
MICHEL: We have another problem. The Goldfarbs are missing.
LORELAI: The Goldfarbs? Our Goldfarbs?
MICHEL: The ones you recommended to go cross-country skiing this morning.
LORELAI: Right. So they're out skiing.
MICHEL: They said they would be back by noon promptly. Well, it's past noon, and their friends are here to meet them for lunch, but the Goldfarbs are erwol.
LORELAI: They're what?
MICHEL: Erwol! Erwol!
LORELAI: Oh! AWOL.
MICHEL: What do I care. I'm French. The point is, we strapped wooden sticks to the feet of a fat orthodontist and a woman with ugly chunky jewelry, and we lost them.
LORELAI: Oh my God, it's only noon!
MICHEL: Can I call the authorities?
LORELAI: You think we're there already?
[Sookie comes out with a bussing tray to pick up the dishes.]
SOOKIE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Cleaning up. [To Michel] No, let's wait another twenty minutes, just keep calling their cell phone.
MICHEL: Oh, joy.
[Lorelai pours a bit of coffee from one cup into another.]
SOOKIE: Ugh! Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing.
LORELAI: What? I'm just cleaning up. We're short-handed today. Go about your business.
SOOKIE [disgusted]: You were pouring leftover coffee from other people's cups into your own cup and now you're going to drink it!
LORELAI: No, no, no!
SOOKIE [grabbing]: Give me that cup!
LORELAI: No! Get away! Don't you understand if I don't get coffee in me, things are going to get ugly around here!
SOOKIE: Going to get?
MICHEL: Be very careful! She's near a Kn*fe!
SOOKIE [obtains the cup]: Give me that. I'm ashamed of you.
LORELAI: I'm ashamed of me too.
SOOKIE: If that wasn't a cry for help, huh.
LORELAI: I'm going out.
MICHEL: The driveway's still blocked.
LORELAI: On foot.
MICHEL: The snow is soft and four feet deep.
LORELAI: I'm cross-country skiing for coffee.
MICHEL: The Goldfarbs have the skis!
LORELAI: I'm going out and I'm bringing back coffee!
MICHEL: Be careful of the floor!
[We hear Lorelai slip and squeal. Another woman cries out.]
LORELAI [OS]: Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. We're getting mats, I swear. Have a nice day.
ELDER GILMORE POOL HOUSE
[Emily knocks on the door. Richard answers.]
RICHARD: Emily. Hello.
EMILY: Hello. I saw your car in the driveway and was just wondering if everything was okay.
RICHARD: Everything's fine. Thank you. I've put off my morning appointments to sort of s*ab the canine situation. She's been fairly calm.
EMILY: Oh, it's a she?
RICHARD: That has been ascertained.
EMILY: And there's no I.D. tag?
RICHARD: A gross oversight of its owners. I found its exact breed, though, which may come in handy.
EMILY: Oh, wonderful!
RICHARD: Let me, uh, bring up the website. [He sits down at the computer.] "Dog Breed 411 dot com".
EMILY: Isn't that clever? It's amazing the information available on the computer these days.
RICHARD: Oh, it's wonderful. There are websites you'd be interested in, too.
EMILY: Oh, I wouldn't know how.
RICHARD: Oh, it's easy. Whatever you're interested in, you just type it in - the DAR, or Louis Vuitton, Franz Schubert - and you're off and running.
EMILY: That easy?
RICHARD: That easy.
EMILY: There she is!
RICHARD: Mmm. A long-haired Jack Russell terrier.
EMILY: I'll start calling the neighbors and tell them we have a long-haired Jack Russell terrier.
RICHARD: A female.
EMILY: What's all that luggage?
RICHARD: Ah, that is the Louis Vuitton website. [He gets up to let her sit.] I thought you might like to peruse it.
EMILY [sitting down]: Isn't that something?
RICHARD: You use that mouse there to move around.
EMILY: A mouse? How fun!
YALE CLASSROOM
[The students are seated at a large round table.]
PROFESSOR: That was David Hume. A personal favorite, and I'm not saying that because Hume was Scottish and my mother's maiden name is McCammon. Okay, more on the principles of morals, and perhaps why Scots rule, next time we're together. Have a good day. [The students begin collecting their things.] And read! Read!
[Rory walks out into the hallway. Christopher is waiting with a cup of coffee.]
RORY: Still here?
[They walk together, Chris following a few steps behind Rory.]
CHRIS: Still here. This is for you. Coffee. It might be a little cold. Teachers sure talk a lot here at Yale. No bells. Don't they have bells?
RORY: Nope. Thanks for this. [gestures to the coffee.]
CHRIS: You're welcome. [Pause] Look, Rory, that manic, desperate guy that came down to your dorm room this morning, he left. He's gone, and I'm not going to bug you anymore, okay?
RORY: Okay.
CHRIS: I didn't think it through, and I feel pretty dumb coming down here like this. I just have to say, though, that I hate our relationship, okay? I hate it. This wall, this stupid wall, it sucks. And I put it there, but I wanted to try and do something about it, but I got a little desperate, and I'm sorry.
RORY: It's okay.
CHRIS: I've been in Hartford a lot. My dad's sick. My mom's with the baby and I've had time to think, and maybe that's not good, but my dad and I, we always had that wall, you know? And, God, for us to be that way, like my dad and me? I – I don't want you visiting me when I'm old and cranky and you feel like you have to. I want you to visit now and I want you to want to. Look, I'm not going to bother you anymore. This wasn't fair for me to do this, surprising you like this. It wasn't fair. Uh –
[He digs in his pocket and hands her some cream and sugar.]
CHRIS: Here. I didn't know how you take your coffee so I got you everything. I'll see you, kid.
[He leaves.]
RORY: Bye.
[She turns the other way.]
MISS PATTY'S STUDIO - EXTERIOR
[A sign is propped up: "Girl" auditions 4:00. The camera cuts inside. Several ladies are sitting in a row wearing large number signs. Taylor walks around them.]
TAYLOR: This is not just an historic re-enactment, ladies. This is an historic moment unto itself. This will be the first time that a member of our fairer sex has participated in Stars Hollow's Revolutionary w*r Re-enactment.
KIRK: Lulu is fully aware of the historical significance of this, Taylor. She's bright and sexy, I'll tell you that now.
TAYLOR: All right. My point is that this will be the first vital role a woman has played in our re-enactment. And you should know that it is of a sensitive nature, so if you're overly sensitive you may want to back out now.
[He goes to sit at a judge's table with Miss Patty. She is hiding her face with her hand.]
KIRK: Lulu's as insensitive as they come, Taylor.
TAYLOR [impatient]: Fine, Kirk. Thank you. Now we've little time and we have to choose the right girl quickly. Stand up, please, all of you.
[The ladies stand up excitedly.]
TAYLOR: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. All right. Based on the visual that we're looking for I must now eliminate numbers two, five, seven and nine. Thank you for coming. [The eliminated ladies leave.] Now, I need to see a demonstration of your acting abilities. Please give me your best "come hither" look.
[The remaining ladies try to look seductive.]
TAYLOR: Your… "come hither" looks, ladies?
LADY #4: That was my "come hither" look.
TAYLOR [frustrated]: Girls, girls! You're supposed to be seducing a man. Now picture, on horseback, a dashing, finely accoutered gentleman, firm of jaw and solid of build –
PATTY: I thought you were doing it, Taylor.
TAYLOR: I am – oh! [laughs] You with your funny jokes.
PATTY [laughing]: Yes. Me and my jokes.
TAYLOR: Four and eight, you may go.
KIRK: Yes!
PATTY: Taylor, isn't eight your sister's kid?
TAYLOR: Mm-hmm. Yes, little Debbie.
PATTY: And you were coaching her to – I mean, you had her – never mind.
TAYLOR: Let's try the look again, girls. You're being seductive.
[Kirk stands behind the judge's table and coaches Lulu.]
PATTY: Oh, Kirk, don't be a pageant mom.
TAYLOR: I can't tell in these outfits. You're all so heavily dressed.
LULU: It's cold outside.
TAYLOR: The young heroine of our story didn't think of the cold when she gave up her greatest treasure for her country.
KIRK: Lulu's got a bunch of hot outfits, Taylor. I can put her in something.
TAYLOR: Not necessary. Number one? Thank you for coming. [He gestures to the door.]
LADY #1 [pouting]: Rats.
[Taylor opens the door to the studio to let her out. Just then Lorelai walks by.]
TAYLOR: Oh! Lorelai!
LORELAI: Hey, Taylor.
TAYLOR: How would you like to play our woman of easy virtue?
LORELAI: What?
TAYLOR: This is a straight offer, no audition necessary.
LORELAI: Oh, well, it's the best offer I've gotten all day, Taylor, but unfortunately I'd have to – ah! Ah!
[She shrieks as she steps in a puddle.]
TAYLOR: Is that a yes or a no?
LORELAI: It's a no, thank you.
TAYLOR: The level of commitment in this town is stunningly low.
[Lorelai limps toward Luke's.]
TAYLOR: All right, girls, let's see your sexy walk.
LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai opens the door. Luke is behind the counter. ]
LORELAI: Warmth!
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: The icicle foot. It's the latest dance craze, all the hip kids are doing it.
LUKE: Your shoe's all wet.
LORELAI: Oh, this evil puddle was lying in wait. Evil, evil!
LUKE: Let me get you a towel.
LORELAI: Oh, forget the foot. I need caffeine. Whatever form you've got, I haven't had any all day. I'll drink it, sh**t it, eat it, snort it, whatever form it's in, gimme.
LUKE: Should I bother to ask how your day's going?
LORELAI: Oh, terrif! My shoe's an icicle, the Inn's driveway is snowed in and we lost the Goldfarbs.
LUKE: Who are the Goldfarbs?
LORELAI: The two guests who bothered to show up. I sent them skiing and I k*lled them.
LUKE: You k*lled your guests?
LORELAI: Eh, well, you know what happens.
LUKE [handing her a coffee]: Here.
LORELAI: The only bright side of my day is being asked to be a prost*tute.
LUKE: That's something to cling to.
LORELAI [sipping, then crying out]: Oh, hot! Warn me!
LUKE: Coffee's hot? Sorry. Coffee's hot.
KIRK [bursting into the diner]: My girlfriend's the whore! My girlfriend's the whore! Woohoo! Yeah!
[He leaves just as suddenly.]
LORELAI [holding her tongue]: Great, now I'm not even the town whore.
LUKE: Well, if you like, I'll leave a little something on the dresser for you tonight.
LORELAI: It couldn't hurt.
LUKE: Here. Ice cube.
ELDER GILMORE HOUSE
[Emily sits at the table, making calls.]
EMILY: Well, it would help to just put the word out there that we have a dog. In case anyone hears of anyone looking for one. [Pause] That's right. A white long-haired Jack Russell terrier. [Richard enters.] Thank you, Margaret. I'll be here all day. Bye.
RICHARD: Margaret. Whitson?
EMILY: I figured a call to the neighborhood busybody was the first order of business. How's it doing?
RICHARD: Well, it seems to be asleep now, but I am lacking a proper bowl for its food.
EMILY: I think I can help you with that, follow me.
[They walk into the kitchen.]
EMILY: What are you feeding it?
RICHARD: I've got some leftover stew. I'm going to pick chunks of meat out of it.
EMILY: Stew? Richard, tell me that that man of yours isn't feeding you stew?
RICHARD: Well, he probably offered. He said it was a recipe passed down by some d*ad relative.
EMILY: Stew? That may be what k*lled his relative.
RICHARD [laughs]: I didn't think of it.
EMILY: Promise me you'll make him prepare proper food for you. Please. That's what he's paid for.
RICHARD: I promise, Emily.
[Emily pulls a china bowl out of the cupboard.]
EMILY: Here we go.
RICHARD: Ah, looks perfect.
EMILY: And it's chipped, so just toss it when you're done.
RICHARD: Thank you, Emily.
EMILY: You're welcome.
RICHARD: And the stew is history.
EMILY: Good.
[Richard nods, then leaves. Emily smiles after him.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sewing a costume and talking on the phone.]
LORELAI: From what I can gather, this woman made eyes at a British general, and the British general was feeling a little randy.
[Scene cuts from Rory's dorm to Lorelai's living room.]
RORY: Such a salacious history our town has.
LORELAI: And she led him into her house and kept the fellow occupied.
RORY: Occupied his brains out, huh?
LORELAI: Hey, don't warp the loo.
RORY: Sorry.
LORELAI: But why do you think they didn't just k*ll him?
RORY: I don't know, maybe they knew that we would ultimately make peace with England and they wouldn't want to k*ll a potential great-great-grandfather of a Winston Churchill or a Benny Hill.
LORELAI: Well, that was very forward-thinking of them. [Examining the dress] Boy, do I know how to dress a slut or what? I am very proud.
RORY: So you haven't said anything about our first snow.
LORELAI: That's right, I haven't.
RORY: Why? You don't sound so excited.
LORELAI: Snow and I had a bit of a bumpy ride today.
RORY: Bummer.
LORELAI: I blame myself. I may have been too needy with snow. Too clingy. So it had no choice but to push me away, create a boundary.
RORY: Snow and men have a lot in common.
LORELAI: What about you? Anything exciting happen today? You get in a snowball fight with a Nobel Prize winner or something?
RORY: No, no. Nothing out of the ordinary. But I'm sorry that snow was so mean to you today.
LORELAI: Oh, it's okay. It wasn't snow's fault. We had one bad day. Every relationship has its bad days. It doesn't mean you drop and run, you keep going, right? Peaks and valleys keep a relationship fresh.
RORY: I agree.
LORELAI: Tomorrow is another day.
[She changes the buckets where water is dripping from the ceiling. She looks up at the leak and sighs.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE – OUTSIDE – MORNING
[Lorelai comes out of the house and locks the door. She begins to walk toward the Jeep, then stops. The Jeep is buried in a pile of snow.]
LORELAI: No.
[As she watches, a branch from the tree above the Jeep falls onto it, bringing more snow down.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE – OUTSIDE – LATER ON
[Luke is helping Lorelai dig out her Jeep. Lorelai is pushing snow off the hood with her hands.]
LUKE: Don't do that.
LORELAI: I want it gone, gone!
LUKE: I'm getting it gone.
LORELAI: But this is personal. I'm physically hurting the snow as I dig at it. I'm chopping into its stupid white face with my razor sharp fingernail claws and I'm delighting in it! I want it to suffer!
LUKE: You look deranged.
LORELAI: Take that. Argh, and that!
LUKE: Why did you park it under a tree?
LORELAI: I have been parking this stupid car under this stupid tree forever!
LUKE: But it's snowing.
LORELAI: Yes! But snow has always protected me before. It's been a white blanket of love! We had a symbiotic thing going on!
LUKE: Snow cannot protect you. Snow is frozen water falling out of the sky. And as for this car and this tree, you can predict it. It's gravity. There's four tons of snow on this tree. You park under it, gravity is going to come into play and take it out! It's basic physics!
LORELAI: I do not need a physics lesson right now, no matter how well it's intentioned!
LUKE: Sorry.
LORELAI: It's over. Oh, yes, it is over! [She takes a violent swipe at the snow on the Jeep.]
LUKE: What is?
LORELAI: Me and snow. We're through!
LUKE: No, you're not!
LORELAI: It was years of bliss, you know? We had some good stuff, and good times. I could show you pictures of the snow angels I made. But I am done. Done!
LUKE: Well, let it down easy, okay?
LORELAI: Oh! And I am changing my cancellation policy at the Inn.
LUKE: Because of snow?
LORELAI: Yes. From now on if anyone cancels for any reason that I don't agree with within two years of the date in question, no, no! Make it three! Then, I am not going to refund their money and I'm going to kick them in the groin!
LUKE: Geez.
LORELAI: But with my left foot. Because my right foot is still throbbing from being frozen in icy cold water which has effectively ended my foot modeling career!
LUKE: Foot modeling is a dying art anyway.
LORELAI: I am with you now, buddy, a hundred percent.
LUKE: With me on what?
LORELAI: Snow is nothing but annoying icy frozen water stuff that falls out of the sky at inconvenient times. It's Mother Nature's icy "Screw you, Lorelai Gilmore". It's just stupid stuff you have to shovel out of the way so customers can get into the Inn. It's the stuff that melts and leaks through your roof! It's the stuff that stalls your car, it's the stuff that buries your car –
[Snow starts to fall from the sky again.]
LORELAI: Oh no! No! Don't even try to make up with me now! You and me are through! [She swats at the snow] You stupid – hate – you!
ELDER GILMORE'S POOL HOUSE
[Rory and Lorelai knock on the door. The valet answers.]
LORELAI: Hello, Robert.
ROBERT: Good evening, ladies.
RICHARD: Hello, girls.
RORY: Hey, grandpa.
LORELAI: Hi, Dad.
RICHARD: Did you come together tonight?
LORELAI: Oh, no, just a lucky coincidence.
[Emily is sitting by the fireplace.]
LORELAI: Well, hello, Mom.
EMILY: Hello, girls.
RORY: Hi, Grandma.
EMILY: Just go about your drinks. I'm just here to sit with the dog.
LORELAI: Dog?
RORY: Oh, he's cute!
LORELAI: When did you get a dog?
EMILY: She's not our dog.
LORELAI: No less confused.
RICHARD: And, it's a he.
EMILY: The dog?
RICHARD: The dog is a boy.
EMILY: I thought you said it was a girl.
RICHARD: I got another peek. It was rolling around on its back and it was painfully obvious.
EMILY: They're so hairy down there.
RICHARD: This one especially.
LORELAI: It's going from weird to weirder.
RICHARD: The usual beverage for everybody?
RORY: So he's not your dog?
EMILY: It just showed up in our yard yesterday morning. We have no idea how it got here or where it came from. It has no tags.
RICHARD: He's a very big mystery, this dog.
EMILY: Oh, now I'm monopolizing things and I'm not even here. Please, go about your drinks.
RICHARD: No, no, I'm having Robert make one up for you as well.
EMILY: Are you sure? Because I'm not officially here.
RICHARD: Absolutely.
[Robert brings in the drinks.]
EMILY: Thank you, Richard.
RORY: So how long are you going to keep him?
RICHARD: As long as it takes to find the owners.
EMILY: Richard had to miss a half day of work yesterday.
RICHARD: But Emily has agreed to write a note excusing my absence, so it should be okay.
EMILY [smiling]: Okay, now pretend I'm not here. You girls and I can chat later.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, um, Rory, oh my God, did I tell you about the horrendous thing that Mom did? She can be such a witch with a ‘B'.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, geez, Mom, I forgot you were there. My pretending is that good.
RORY: We can't really pretend you're not here, Grandma.
RICHARD: That's true, Emily. You have a presence that cannot be ignored.
EMILY: Well, fine. I can leave.
RICHARD: No, no! The dog likes you there. Join in the conversation if you wish.
EMILY: Well, I am curious to know when you girls got the bad news today.
LORELAI: What bad news?
EMILY: Christopher's news.
RORY: What about him?
EMILY: You haven't heard?
RORY: Nothing.
EMILY: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Same here.
RICHARD: Well, that's odd.
EMILY: I would have thought he would have called them right away.
RICHARD: One of them, at least.
LORELAI: Guys, what news? You're making me nervous here.
EMILY: Straub died.
[Rory and Lorelai look horrified.]
LORELAI: Christopher's father died?
EMILY: This morning.
LORELAI: Oh my God, how?
EMILY: Well, he'd been sick.
RICHARD: Very badly. He'd been diagnosed just a month ago, but it already spread.
EMILY: He was the picture of health, so it caught poor Francine completely off guard. That poor woman.
LORELAI: I can't believe Chris didn't tell us.
RICHARD: He may not have been in any shape to think straight.
LORELAI [to Rory]: Did you check all your voicemails?
RORY: Yeah. Yeah, I did.
EMILY: It's terrible having more than one answering service. That's the way you miss things.
LORELAI: Well, I mean, we should send something, right? For the funeral? Does he want us to go?
EMILY: He was very quiet on the phone, he was only good for the headlines.
RICHARD: Well, you can't blame him.
EMILY: He had a very tortured relationship with that man, but none of that matters at the end.
LORELAI: We should send him a card, or flowers.
RORY: We should send flowers.
LORELAI: Everything sounds so lame.
EMILY: Well, whatever it is, send it to Francine. Christopher and the baby are staying with her until all of this is behind them. I'll give you the address before you go.
RICHARD: We'll send something together, Emily?
EMILY: I've already signed your name to some flowers.
[The dog stands up.]
EMILY [surprised]: Oh! He moved! Is it supposed to do that?
RICHARD: Oh, Emily. Let me show you how he likes his blanket arranged. He's a bit picky.
EMILY: I appreciate your help.
LORELAI [to Rory]: Poor Chris. I mean, it's so sudden.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Did you even know his dad was sick?
RORY: Well. Kind of.
LORELAI: You knew?
RORY: Dad told me.
LORELAI: When did he tell you?
RORY: He didn't make it sound like it was a big thing. Like he was that sick.
LORELAI: And with Sherry gone, and the baby – yikes.
RORY: Yeah. Yikes.
[Richard is rolling up a corner of the blanket near the dog's head.]
RICHARD: - this, the bump acts as a kind of pillow.
EMILY: Very clever!
RICHARD: There's a dog hair in your drink. I'll have Robert make you another one.
EMILY: Oh, that's okay.
RICHARD [taking the glass]: No, no, I insist. [He gets up] Robert, we need dog hair removal.
HAYDEN'S HOUSE – OUTSIDE.
[Rory pulls up in her car. She walks up to the door carrying a brown paper bag. She rings the bell; Chris answers.]
RORY: Hi.
CHRIS: Hi.
RORY: I heard about your dad.
CHRIS: Yeah, I figured you would, at your Friday night dinner. God, is tonight Friday?
RORY: I didn't realize how serious it was. I wasn't listening.
CHRIS: Rory, I kind of veiled it.
RORY: I'm sorry. [She looks around uncomfortably, then remembers the bag she is carrying.] I brought cookies. [She holds them out to him.]
CHRIS [looks in the bag and smiles]: And milk. Milk and cookies.
RORY: Is that okay?
[Chris gestures for her to come inside.]
LATER
[Rory leaves the house and gets into her car. She dials a number on her cell phone.]
LORELAI: Hello?
RORY: It's me.
LORELAI: Hey! Where are you?
RORY: I'm just leaving Dad's.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: I came to see Dad because he came to school yesterday, wanted to make amends and have breakfast, but I blew him off, even after he told me that his dad was sick.
LORELAI: Aw, hon –
RORY: And, I don't know, maybe he did say how sick he was, between the lines at least, but I just held him off. And he didn't say that he was dying. I just felt so awful the whole time at dinner tonight.
LORELAI: It's okay.
RORY: No, it's not, because, regardless of Dad's faults, he's human and he needs us, but he's so isolated from us that he can't just call or reach out to me, or to you, especially. But he really needed to call you, and you guys go so far back, you knew his dad.
LORELAI: I know, but –
RORY: And now he's in the middle of dealing with all this sad and practical stuff of his dad's death and he could really use more visitors – especially you. So go. Please. I want you to.
LORELAI: Well, I'm glad to hear you say this, babe, because I'm sort of pulling up behind you here.
[Rory looks to see the Jeep pull up behind her car.]
RORY: Go. I'm taking off, so give him another hug for me.
LORELAI: I will.
RORY: And I told him to call if he needs a babysitter. Remind him of that.
LORELAI: I will. Drive safe.
[Rory drives away. Lorelai gets out of her car and walks up to the house, also carrying a paper bag. She rings the bell. Chris opens the door.]
CHRIS: You just missed Rory.
LORELAI: Eh, we're relaying it tonight.
CHRIS: You guys are something else.
LORELAI: We try.
CHRIS: Milk and cookies?
LORELAI [pulls out a bottle of tequila]: Grown-up milk and cookies.
CHRIS: Come on in, friend.
[He steps aside and Lorelai enters the house.]
LUKE'S DINER – NEXT MORNING
[A man wearing a Revolutionary w*r costume enters. Lorelai and Rory are sitting at their table.]
LORELAI: Must you do that?
RORY: Do what?
LORELAI: Sip.
RORY: Sip? You object to sipping?
LORELAI: If it's done at a decibel level rivaling Louis Armstrong bl*wing a high ‘C' then yes! I object!
RORY: I'll put my mute on.
LORELAI: Thanks, Satchmo.
RORY: Mm! We're just minutes away from the big re-enactment!
LORELAI: Oh, my God, do not talk in that high-pitched girly voice of yours!
RORY: Oh, now, come on.
LORELAI: You come on.
RORY: I'm a girl, my voice is my voice.
LORELAI: Well, I should have had a boy in anticipation of times like this.
RORY: So it's your fault.
LORELAI: Or Christopher's. Whoever supplies that girl or boy part of the chromosomes.
RORY: It's the guy.
LORELAI: I'm sorry I'm not vivacious.
RORY: It was for a good cause.
LORELAI: I never remember to drink water. That is the key.
RORY: Lots of water!
LORELAI: Pancakes!
RORY: What about ‘em?
LORELAI: Surefire thing to make my head feel less awkward for being attached to my neck.
RORY: Then you are getting pancakes.
LORELAI: Have you ever been this hung over? I mean, I don't want to know because I don't want to hear about it, but if you have, I am sorry. And if you haven't, maybe your life has been a little too sheltered. Good night. [She puts her head down on the table.]
[Kirk bursts into the diner half-dressed in a Revolutionary w*r costume.]
KIRK: Has anyone seen Taylor?
[Lorelai covers her ears.]
KIRK: I need to talk to Taylor. Come on, people, time is of the essence.
LORELAI: Throw something sharp at him.
RORY: Haven't seen him, Kirk.
KIRK: Oh, no. Oh, no.
RORY: What's wrong?
KIRK: Ah, nothing. Everything's fine.
LORELAI: Lulu's dress okay, Kirk? And answer quietly.
KIRK: It's perfect. Fits like a glove. Well, see ya.
[He runs away.]
RORY: I think his mother's over-stretching his laundry again.
LORELAI: Where is Luke? I need to order before I puke!
RORY: Was Dad drinking like this last night?
LORELAI: Oh, he was the pusher. He just did not want to stop talking. Talking led to more drinking. Drinking led to more talking. But it was good.
RORY [looking worried]: Yeah.
LORELAI: I wasn't going to stay that long. I don't know if he even has many friends any more. All of his old buddies are scattered all around, you know? And his support group is two and heavily into Sesame Street.
RORY: What time did you finally get home?
LORELAI: Sun high, birds sing, head hurts.
RORY: It was good that you went.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, he needed to vent, you know? And we alternated between feeling bad about his dad and not liking him so much for pretty much being a jerk his whole life.
RORY: Well, the one time I met Straub, he did seem a little bitter.
LORELAI: The night took a very weird turn when he started coming up with all of his dad's negative traits corresponding to the letters of the alphabet.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: ‘A' he was absent, ‘B' he was a bully, ‘C' he was cold, ‘D' he was dreary –
RORY: What was ‘K'?
LORELAI: He was "Kuwait-y".
RORY: Kuwait-y, like the country?
LORELAI: Yes, as it got later it got sillier.
RORY: Sounds like you're just what he needed. You might be his oldest buddy.
LORELAI: True. But he talked on and on about you and how good it was that you visited.
RORY: I'm glad. We had some stuff to figure out, and we've pretty much figured it out.
LORELAI: Good.
[Luke walks in.]
LORELAI: Hi!
LUKE: Oh, I didn't know you guys were here.
RORY: Hi, Luke.
[Luke and Lorelai kiss.]
LORELAI: Hello, there.
LUKE: I had to run to the store. [Points out the window.] Look at this, this re-enactment lunacy.
LORELAI: Oh, we are so front row for that.
LUKE: Your eyes are red.
LORELAI: I had a bad night's sleep last night.
LUKE: Oh, yeah? What happened?
LORELAI: Well –
RORY: Oh, I kept her up pretty late, you know, girl talk.
LUKE: Oh, okay. So what do you guys want to eat?
RORY: Well, she will have –
LORELAI: More coffee, that's all I want.
LUKE: Okay, how about you Rory?
RORY: Yeah, I guess I'm fine with just coffee, too.
LUKE: Oh, you two are easy.
LORELAI: Spread that around, will you?
LUKE: Will do. [He leaves to get the coffee.]
RORY: What about your pancakes?
LORELAI: Pancakes are hangover food, it would get him suspicious.
RORY: Well, I could have ordered them for you.
LORELAI: Well, I wasn't stopping you.
RORY: I just wasn't fast enough.
LORELAI: I shouldn't have lied about where I was last night. I'm over nineteen and lying to my boyfriend about stuff. That's wrong.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: I could just say his father died and I went over to comfort him. With tequila. Which we drank, all night long, alone.
RORY: He didn't need to know. It's better that he doesn't know.
LORELAI: He didn't need to know.
RORY [shrieks]: Ooh, the re-enactment! It's starting!
LORELAI [cringes]: Voice.
RORY [lower]: The re-enactment. It's starting.
LORELAI: Much better, let's go.
OUTSIDE - BY THE GAZEBO
[A small crowd has gathered to watch.]
REVEREND: Welcome to Stars Hollow's new, historically accurate Revolutionary w*r re-enactment. And to the members of the press I'd like to point out that my best side is my right side. [silence] Left side's fine, too. I was just kidding. People forget that men of the cloth can crack jokes, too. [silence] Anyway, I'd like to introduce three special participants, [he gestures to the children standing next to him] Bobby, Tara and Craig, who were chosen from our own Stars Hollow elementary school to narrate what you see today.
BOBBY: The year –
CHILDREN: Seventeen Seventy-Nine.
BOBBY: The location –
CHILDREN: Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: Children should sh**t us for what we make them do.
RORY: Sh.
BOBBY: - fortune turning point when our brave town militia learned that a powerful British general was riding through the area to rejoin his troops and wage a decisive battle. It inspired an idea.
TARA: First, the militia went off to block the high road.
MAN #2: Come on, men! Let's block the high road!
[The men turn and run away.]
RORY: What about horses? Wouldn't they have had horses?
LORELAI: Or at least some coconuts to bang together for a nice sound effect.
CHILDREN: Brave our soldiers are.
TARA: The British general had no choice but to take the only path or road on this snowy day. The road through Stars Hollow.
CRAIG: Soon a scout arrived to warn of the general's coming.
[A man rides by on a horse.]
MAN [Calling out]: The British general is coming! The British general is coming!
LORELAI: So expositional.
RORY: I guess Tony Kushner wasn't available.
CHILDREN: And then the general arrived.
TAYLOR [riding in on a horse]: It's certainly unfortunate that the high road was blocked this day, forcing me to ride through town.
LORELAI: Seriously. This dialogue is worse than From Justin To Kelly.
CRAIG: Then a brave woman put herself in harm's way and emerged to distract the general.
[The "brave woman" walks slowly out of the courthouse.]
RORY: Is that your dress?
LORELAI: Yeah. I made it to Lulu's specifications. Did she get bonier all of a sudden?
RORY: And taller?
TAYLOR: Good day, fair lady. You intrigue me. What have you to say?
[The woman shakes her hair out of her face. It is Kirk.]
TAYLOR: Kirk!
RORY: Kirk?
LORELAI: No wonder her breasts weren't holding it up.
TAYLOR: What are you doing? Where's Lulu?
KIRK: She's sick. I tried to find you but you weren't around and I didn't know what to do.
TAYLOR: Everyone's looking!
KIRK: I didn't want to let the town down, with the press here and all, so I just did it myself.
TARA: That's the ugliest lady I've ever seen.
TAYLOR: This is far and away the worst thing you have ever done. I am livid with you!
KIRK: We're not supposed to be arguing, Taylor. We're supposed to be making love.
TAYLOR: Dear God. [He gets down off the horse and plays along.]
CRAIG: This simple, common woman whose livelihood defied laws of morality but acting in a fashion which God would forgive her, led the British general to the warmth of her boudoir. She saved Stars Hollow.
[The Reverend snickers.]
BOBBY: Reverend.
REVEREND: Sorry.
CRAIG: The British general was kept occupied long enough for Lafayette's troops to ambush his men – a decisive victory for the colonists.
[The men who went to block the high road return.]
CHILDREN: Thanks to the Stars Hollow militia and the woman whose livelihood
–
[The children trail off, out of synch.]
RORY: Now what? Is it over?
LORELAI: No idea. [they look around] How far are Kirk and Taylor going to take this thing?
RORY [Staring at the door]: I'm not leaving ‘till I find out.
LORELAI: I have to get back to the Inn. Keep me posted.
RORY: I'm riveted.
[Lorelai leaves.]
ELDER GILMORE POOL HOUSE
[Richard is getting ready for work. Emily lets herself in.]
RICHARD: Hello.
EMILY: Hello, Richard. How are you?
RICHARD: Very good. And you?
EMILY: Excellent. I was going to check on the dog. I was thinking of putting up some fliers around the neighborhood. Fliers are tacky, but they work. And I thought you could look up on your computer where the best place to print them is.
RICHARD: The dog is gone.
EMILY: Gone? He's gone?
RICHARD: She's gone.
EMILY: I thought you said it was a boy.
RICHARD: Well, apparently I misread what I saw.
EMILY: She was very hairy down there.
RICHARD: Your calls paid off. Some one you called called someone else, and somehow found the owner and she came and picked the dog up, late last night.
EMILY: I didn't even hear anyone come by.
RICHARD: Well, I would have called to let you know but I didn't see a light on and I didn't want to disturb you.
EMILY: It wouldn't have disturbed me.
RICHARD: Well, now I'll know for next time. Not that we'll ever find a dog in the yard again.
EMILY: Yes. Well. I hope you told them to get an I.D. tag for it. It's irresponsible not to have one.
RICHARD: I told them how much they put us out. I missed a half day's work, and you were inconvenienced even more.
EMILY: Yes. Yes, I was.
RICHARD: Her name was Princess, by the way.
EMILY: Was it? Princess? [They look at each other for a moment.] Well, I should get back to the house. I've got a million things to do.
RICHARD: I have to go to work.
[He closes the door behind her.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY
[Lorelai is pulling into the driveway in the Jeep and talking on her cell phone.]
LORELAI: Believe me, I know the futility of fighting Mother Nature. She's been a real "mother" lately. Almost rivals my mother. [She laughs to herself.] Yeah, but you and your plow do control Mother Nature's droppings, a.k.a. the snow, and all I'm saying is could you try to keep it from blocking the Dragonfly's one and only driveway? You know, it kind of blocks
us in and we get all cranky and claustrophobic, especially when we're out of coffee. Which I'm not anticipating, but I didn't anticipate it before and it happened, and I suffered withdrawal pains. [Pause] Right. Well, I really appreciate it. I actually like plows, you know? They look like fun. [Pause] Right. I'm sure plowing doesn't pay enough, though. That part's not fun. I used to be a maid. I know low wages. [She gets out of the car.] Well, I'm really not comfortable telling you what I made then or what I make now. Just, anything you can do will help. Okay, thank you.
[She hangs up, staring at her front yard, which has been turned into an ice rink. Luke is walking toward her with skates in his hand.]
LORELAI: What is this?
LUKE: It's an ice rink.
LORELAI: An ice rink? How did this happen?
LUKE: Jack Frost brought it.
LORELAI: Does he look like Luke Danes?
LUKE: A little. Not as handsome.
LORELAI: You made me an ice rink?
LUKE: It's just a rink in a box. You set it up, you fill it with water, it's not a big deal.
LORELAI: It is a big deal. It's a very big deal.
[Luke hands her the skates.]
LUKE: Here. Try it out.
[They sit as she puts on the skates.]
LUKE: My dad did this for me once. I was in a hockey phase. ‘Till I broke my nose the first time. Skated right into a tree.
LORELAI: What in the world inspired you to do this?
LUKE: Well, I felt kind of bad about you and snow, the rough time you were having, and I really wasn't helping any by saying all that stuff about snow being a pain and impractical, and it's just icy water falling from the sky, and I thought maybe I'd get you two back together. Make you feel better about snow again.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah?
LUKE: I'm grumpy about stuff but I don't want you to be.
[He helps her to her feet.]
LUKE: Careful.
LORELAI: I'm being careful. Thanks for reconciling us.
LUKE: Any time. [Pause] You were lying this morning.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: You said you were fine but you didn't look it. You get sick or something last night?
LORELAI: No. No, I just had a headache. Still do. Just one of those things.
LUKE: Yeah, I get headaches. I just feel bad.
LORELAI: That's all it was, a headache. I love this ice rink!
LUKE: Try it out.
[She giggles as she starts to skate across the ice.]
LORELAI: Oh, it's great!
LUKE: Keep away from trees.
LORELAI: Ah, I look like a dork but I love it.
LUKE: You look fine.
LORELAI: You want to be Randy to my Tai?
LUKE: Nah, I'll just watch.
[She skates around happily.]
____________END_______________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x11 - Women Of Questionable Morals"} | foreverdreaming |
LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Lorelai comes out of the bathroom. Luke is lying in bed.]
LORELAI: Hey. You built me a shelf. That's so nice.
LUKE: It was anything but nice. I kept using your crazy toothpaste.
LORELAI: There's nothing crazy about my toothpaste.
LUKE: It's cinnamon.
LORELAI: So what?
LUKE: I don't like cinnamon. I like normal flavored.
LORELAI: What exactly is this normal flavor?
LUKE: You know, striped.
LORELAI: Striped. That's not a flavor.
LUKE: It is in the toothpaste world.
LORELAI: Ooo, the toothpaste world. Is that anything like Whoville?
[She joins him in bed.]
LUKE: I'm exhausted.
LORELAI [perky]: I'm exhilarated.
LUKE: You know, you don't have to do this.
LORELAI: Hey. Going to bed early every once in a while is good for ya.
LUKE: I have to get up at four. You don't.
LORELAI: Yes, I know, but every night you have early deliveries is a night we spend apart and seriously, where's the good in that?
LUKE: Okay. [He turns off the light.] ‘Night.
[They kiss.]
LORELAI: Night.
[They kiss again. Luke rolls over. Lorelai is sitting up. She looks around, wide awake.]
LORELAI: Man, is it quiet. Do you hear how quiet it is?
LUKE: Mm-hmm.
LORELAI: Do you have a pin, 'cause I want to hear it drop.
LUKE: No pins.
LORELAI: Okay. Sorry. So, okay. Good night. [She leans back, then taps Luke on the shoulder.] Hey, Luke. Why don't you have a T.V.?
LUKE: I have a T.V.
LORELAI: No, I mean, in here, in the bedroom so you can watch T.V. in bed.
LUKE [rolls back over]: I don't watch T.V. in bed. Studies show that it's not good for your sleep.
LORELAI: What studies?
LUKE: Watching T.V. in bed screws up your REM sleep.
LORELAI: But Charlie Rose, Jon Stewart, Pink Lady and Jeff?
LUKE: All screw up your REM sleep.
LORELAI: How does Charlie Rose screw up your REM sleep?
LUKE: Because he's always got some guy on pushing a book about how everything's all going to hell, or they're going to pass a law, how everyone with a nose ring is going to get shipped off to China. Suddenly you're depressed, thinking we're all going to die and don't drink the water, there's anthr*x in my bagel - and bam, there goes your REM sleep.
LORELAI: Or Mel Brooks is on, and he is so funny, and you think, "What a wonderful world we live in, that there's a Mel Brooks to go to sleep to."
LUKE: Mel Brooks is never on Charlie Rose, and when he is on he's talking about n*zi, and then you go to sleep and you dream about n*zi and they all look like Nathan Lane, and you're creeped out for days.
LORELAI: You know what ruins your REM sleep, is those articles about REM sleep. And you know what could help you forget those articles about REM sleep?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: A television.
[Luke opens his eyes.]
LORELAI: Say goodnight, Gracie.
LUKE: Goodnight, Gracie.
[He rolls back over. Lorelai tries to sleep, then pops her eyes open.]
OPENING CREDITS
YALE NEWSROOM
[Rory walks in and heads for her desk. Doyle is in her chair and Paris is sitting on the desk, fanning him.]
RORY: Move butt, please.
PARIS: In a minute.
RORY: What's wrong with Doyle?
PARIS: Mitchum Huntzberger just left.
RORY: Logan's dad?
DOYLE: My entire body is numb.
RORY: What was he doing here?
DOYLE: What was he doing here? Busting my chops, which are now numb. Oh my God, my chops are completely numb!
PARIS: Don't speak, don't speak.
RORY: So Mitchum Huntzberger stopped by just to make various parts of Doyle's body insensate?
PARIS: He's a deep-pocket alumnus. Every few months Yale reels guys like him in for banquets and luncheons.
DOYLE: And he's going to New York to throw some party for Seymour Hersh on Friday night. [To Paris] A little faster? [She obliges.]
RORY: Seymour Hersh? The New Yorker's Seymour Hersh? Wow.
DOYLE: The man owns thirteen newspapers. He's my best contact in the business and I fell like a house of cards. I made that joke about Abu Grab. God, that was inappropriate.
PARIS: It wasn't supposed to be a ha ha, funny Abu Grab joke. Stop beating yourself up.
DOYLE: Then he busted me on the fact that Logan hasn't had a by-line all year, wants me to light a f*re under him and get him to write. [In a deeper, serious voice:] "I'd like to hand the business over to my son, Doyle, so it'd be nice if he knew something about it."
PARIS: He's going to pass his empire on to that playboy cad while a rising star such as Doyle is standing right before him.
DOYLE: In a pool of my own sweat. See, it's kind of a minus.
RORY: I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
DOYLE [Stands]: Now I'm Logan's journalistic Godfather, and I can't even get the punk to show up, never mind write a story.
RORY: Do you even know if he can write?
DOYLE: Oh, he can write. He's actually an excellent writer. How's that for God giving with both hands, huh? Every now and then, usually when he gets the flu or the clap, and can't party, he'll throw us a bone and write something. It's always good. Damn good. Stupid bastard.
PARIS: Well, you are his editor, Doyle. Talk to him. Assign him something.
DOYLE: I did. He's supposed to cover the student uproar over Assistant Professor Warrick resigning.
RORY: And?
DOYLE: And he said thank you, left the room, and I heard him laughing all the way down the hall. I haven't seen him here since. [He sits.] I don't know what to do. [Paris starts fanning him again.]
RORY: Um, Doyle, I just finished that piece on the dissatisfaction of the faculty with the tenure system, and I bet a lot of my notes would overlap with Logan's story.
DOYLE: Point, Gilmore, point?
RORY: If you want, I could arrange to get together with Logan. Share my notes with him. Maybe it could get him started.
DOYLE: Really? You'd do that?
RORY: Sure. I mean, if it would help you out.
DOYLE: Gilmore, I am loving you at this moment.
PARIS: Moment's over.
DOYLE: Moment's over. Thanks.
RORY: Sure, boss. Anything for the team.
[Paris is glaring at Doyle. He gestures "What could I do?" Paris tosses some files on his desk and stomps away. Doyle sighs, picks up the files and starts fanning himself.]
DRAGONFLY INN - DINING ROOM
[Lorelai is leading a staff meeting. All the employees are sitting facing her.]
LORELAI: Okay, everyone remember your time cards. Punch in, punch out, including lunch and breaks. Okay, now, next on the agenda is something very exciting. The Dragonfly Inn's first official sexual harassment seminar.
MICHEL: Ah, finally. Yes, good, talk to them.
LORELAI: Sexual harassment is bad. So no one touch anyone in any funny places unless specifically asked. Moving on.
MICHEL: That's it? That's the seminar? Where's the speech about people not ogling other people like an object of desire? How about explaining that the way some people walk with a sway or a bounce, it is natural. It is because
we work out, and we take Pilates, and -
LORELAI: No one touch Michel! Moving on. Uh, Billy, Adam, you've got to remember to securely lock the padlock on the s*ab, not just hook it on. Cletus has figured out how to push it off with his nose, and two days in a row I found him at reception. [She laughs.] Now if you could just check people in, that would be a different story, but - until then, um, lock the s*ab and check the lock and - Kirk. [She notices Kirk sitting in the back.] What are you doing here?
KIRK: Staff meeting.
LORELAI: You don't work here.
KIRK: I thought I might like to go into hotel management someday, and I figured this was a good place to learn.
LORELAI: Oh, Kirk, you can't just crash a staff meeting.
KIRK [Writing on a clipboard]: "Outsiders cannot crash staff meetings." I'm learning so much.
LORELAI: Okay, anything else to discuss before we wrap it up here?
MICHEL: Yes. [He stands.] We have a problem with some honor bar discrepancies. For the past few weeks after I have checked a room and found the honor bar intact, the next day, Toblerones are missing.
SOOKIE: What?
MICHEL: Only Toblerones, and only in certain rooms. I think we have thieves.
LORELAI: Or guests.
MICHEL: No, these are not the guests. The disappearances are happening in rooms no one is staying in. I think we have thieves and it's obviously an inside job. These people are waiting until I've made my rounds. They're waiting until I've checked my list, ‘till I initial my list, and only then do they steal the Toblerones.
LORELAI: Maybe you counted wrong.
MICHEL: I say we install surveillance cameras, fingerprint the staff, run the prints through the FBI and have mandatory searches before they leave at the end of their shift.
LORELAI: Oh, well, that sounds great. Everybody drop your pants for Michel before you leave. Meeting adjourned.
[They all get up and head back to work.]
KIRK: No food spread? The staff meetings at Connecticut Light and Power always have a lovely food spread. Nice bagels, an assortment of schmear. [The staff ignore him.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Lane is busy waiting on tables. Kyon walks in.]
LANE: Hey, Kyon. I'm busy, so quick, what do you got?
KYON: Many things. These come house, Mrs. Kim throw directly in trash.
LANE: My Sam Ash catalogues! What's that smell?
KYON: They landed in old fish and bok choy.
LANE: Figures, what else you got?
[Kyon pulls something out of her bag.]
LANE: My old Madonna t-shirt!
KYON: Mrs. Kim use as rag. Says little horse-face good to scrub scum.
LANE: I wore this, ironically, by the way. I was never into her. Not my thing.
KYON [suspiciously]: Right.
LANE: Anything else, Kyon?
KYON: Overheard conversation. Mrs. Kim having Lunar New Year at her house this year. She expect you to come.
LANE: Oh, she does?
KYON: She says not coming is same as spitting on ancestors and ancestors no like spit.
LANE: Expects me to come. Unbelievable. After she att*cks my boyfriend on the street, damning him to the fires of hell and swimming with carnivorous dogs. And now she expects me to smile and curtsey and just go to Lunar New Year dinner like nothing happened. Nice, huh?
KYON: Whoa, I'm not your sounding board. I deliver scoop, you give me Monte Cristo sandwich.
LANE: Fine. Sit over there.
[Lane goes to the table in the other corner, where Zach and Brian are looking at photos.]
ZACH: There are some good ones here.
BRIAN: Definitely.
LANE: Oh, our band pictures! How are they?
BRIAN: They're all good.
ZACH: Except the one of you bending over and looking through your legs.
BRIAN: I was just seeing what works.
ZACH: I like this one.
BRIAN: A tree's covering my face.
ZACH: Come on, dude, the good of the many.
BRIAN: What do you like, Lane?
LANE: I don't like any of them.
ZACH: What?
LANE: You guys look good, I mean, not the Brian with his face between his legs one, or the profile one where you've got your finger in your mouth and the peek-a-boo look –
ZACH: Right, peek-a-boo! That's what it is.
BRIAN: I was experimenting.
LANE: But I don't look good.
ZACH: What are you talking about? [He grabs the photo.] You look totally cool, like a real chick.
LANE: I look like the Korean Buddy Holly.
BRIAN: Buddy Holly was cool.
LANE: May he rest in peace, but Buddy Holly was not an attractive man.
BRIAN: I find him attractive.
ZACH: Dude, don't say every thought out loud.
LANE: Can we re-take them?
ZACH: Like thirty-seven dollars just grows on trees?
BRIAN: You're being too hard on yourself.
ZACH: Totally. Lame. We're not Maroon 5 or the Gee Whiz Slicky Boys. We don't want to look all fake.
LANE: No, but halfway decent would be nice.
ZACH: Lighten up. They work.
CUSTOMER: Miss, some more coffee, please?
LANE: At least she didn't say mister.
ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - DINING ROOM
[Richard and Emily are sitting opposite from each other, going through paperwork.]
EMILY: The lease on my Mercedes is up next month.
RICHARD: Do you want to buy it?
EMILY: I finally have the seat setting where I like it.
RICHARD [chuckling]: I'll make the arrangements tomorrow.
EMILY: Thank you, Richard.
RICHARD: Now, uh, we need to schedule work on the water heater. Um, I was wondering if Friday morning would work for you?
EMILY: Let me look.
RICHARD: They estimate the work to be about an hour, which means they'll be done in June.
EMILY: Oh, no, I have a hair appointment Friday morning.
RICHARD: For what?
EMILY [smiling]: What do you mean for what?
RICHARD: Your hair looks perfect to me.
EMILY: Oh, now.
RICHARD: Well, I can arrange for Robert to let the workman in and supervise it if that works for you.
EMILY: Well, that would be fine. Thank you, Richard.
RICHARD: You're welcome, Emily. What's next on the agenda?
EMILY: The Modern Museum gala is coming up.
RICHARD: Oh, yes. Martin Forman is being honored this year.
EMILY: And Sugar Farthington is organizing it.
RICHARD: Well, if Sugar's organizing it, then of course you should go.
EMILY: Well, if Martin's being honored, then you should go.
RICHARD: Sugar is one of your closest friends.
EMILY: Martin is one of your most trusted colleagues.
RICHARD: Well, then, perhaps we should both attend.
EMILY: That does seem to be the sensible thing to do.
RICHARD: All right. Then we'll both attend.
EMILY [smiling]: Fine.
RICHARD: Uh, so, have we discussed the water heater?
EMILY: Yes, we have.
RICHARD: Ah. More water?
[Emily nods. Richard gets up to re-fill her glass.]
YALE CAMPUS PUB
[Rory is drinking coffee, waiting for Logan to arrive. Her table is piled with file folders. Logan pushes his way through a crowd.]
LOGAN: Hey, Ace.
RORY: Hi, Logan. I didn't see you there. Hey. Um, how are you?
LOGAN: I'm good.
RORY: Oh, good. Good. Okay, so good. Um, here they are.
LOGAN: These are the notes for one story?
RORY: Yeah, I'm kind of a note freak.
LOGAN [sitting]: Man, Ace, I'm impressed and partially terrified.
RORY: Okay. Well, I've divided them up into sections, so [pointing] interviews, research, statistics. I wasn't sure what you already had, but I figured there's something here that can help you with your story.
LOGAN: I hope you're getting extra credit for this.
RORY: Oh, it's nothing.
LOGAN: Seems like a lot of work on your part, going through this stuff, organizing it for me.
RORY: Well, I'm kind of an organization freak, too.
LOGAN: Plus, I'm sure it wasn't your idea to give up your evening like this, to come here and meet me. Was it?
RORY: Um, I'm just doing a little public service. That's all.
LOGAN: Public service?
RORY: Yes. Doyle looked like he was about to liquefy after your dad talked to him, so I chose to stop that from happening, for the sake of the janitorial staff.
LOGAN: Yeah. He has a thing for by-lines, my father.
RORY: Apparently he has plans for you.
LOGAN: Yes. Isn't that thrilling. Sorry Doyle took the h*t. My dad can be a real bully when he wants to be.
RORY: He's a very interesting man.
LOGAN: You met him?
RORY: No, I've just… read about him. I mean, he's a big guy.
LOGAN: Maybe you'll get to meet him someday.
RORY [nods]: Oh, did I show you how I divided these up? Interviews, research, um –
LOGAN: So how come I never see you around?
RORY: I'm around.
LOGAN: Yeah? Where?
RORY: Class, coffee cart, the student's store when I run out of thumbtacks…
LOGAN: Wow, thrilling life.
RORY: I'm really not that boring.
LOGAN: Oh, I know you're not boring.
RORY: Oh, Doyle told me that your dad is throwing a party for Seymour Hersh?
LOGAN: Ah, you want to talk about boring?
RORY: How can meeting Seymour Hersh be boring? I love him. I read My Lai Four when I was twelve and I've been obsessed with him ever since.
LOGAN: You read a book about the My Lai m*ssacre when you were twelve?
RORY: Well, I polished off Nancy Drew that year too.
LOGAN: Well, I guarantee, these parties always turn into a bunch of drunks discussing stocks, cars and the latest friends to be indicted. It's boring. I just go, take a date so I have somebody to talk to, and bail as soon as my dad's back is turned.
RORY: Oh, so you're going?
LOGAN: Daddy says.
RORY: Wow, lucky.
LOGAN: No.
RORY: To spend the evening with a great writer, and to get to meet him, hear him talk? Very, very lucky.
LOGAN: You think so?
RORY: Definitely.
LOGAN: Well, maybe this time it won't be so bad after all. [A pause; Rory looks uncomfortable.] So, do you want to get something to drink or do you have to go?
RORY: No, I don't have to go. I don't have anywhere to go.
LOGAN: Okay. Be right back.
[He gets up to go to the bar. Rory looks after him, excited.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Hey, Lane.
LANE: Hi, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hmm. You look different.
LANE: I do?
LORELAI: Yeah, you look cute. I mean, you always look cute, but this is just a new facet of your cuteness.
LANE: Thanks. You look cute too.
LORELAI: I have a boyfriend, so maybe this flirting thing we've got going on should just end here.
LANE: Coffee to go?
LORELAI: It's that special time of day.
[We hear Luke getting frustrated in the back.]
LORELAI: What was that?
LANE: It's been like that for an hour. It's the damn oven.
LORELAI: The damn oven?
LUKE [OS]: Damn oven!
LORELAI: What's up with the damn oven?
LUKE: I bought this damn oven and the thermostat doesn't work!
LORELAI: The damn thermostat or just the thermostat?
LUKE: Are you being cute?
LORELAI: Sorry, go on!
LUKE: So I went and I got a new thermostat, and now I can't figure out how to replace the damn thing.
LORELAI: So it is a damn thermostat.
LUKE: I don't have time for this.
LORELAI: Come on! You can do this. [Luke roars at it.] Step at a time here. You pulled the knob off each gas tap on the range, right?
LUKE [OS]: Uh, yeah. So?
LORELAI: Then you remove the four screws securing the face panel, then you remove the panel.
LUKE [OS]: Yeah, I did that.
LORELAI: Hmm. Then you disconnect the oven and gas supply pipe from the outlet of the thermostat?
LUKE [OS]: This is where I got stuck.
LORELAI [nodding]: Did you release the oven sensor retaining clips from the oven lining?
LUKE [OS]: No. No, I didn't. [Pause] Okay! Got it!
LORELAI: Now just pull the sensor out, you should be rolling now.
LUKE [coming out from the kitchen, amazed]: So how, how?
LORELAI: How what?
LUKE: How do you know this?
LORELAI: Well, I couldn't get to sleep the other night, you know, when we went to bed, and so I read your oven manual.
LUKE: You're kidding.
LORELAI: Well, it was either that or the broiler manual, and the oven won, ‘cause it's shiny and pretty.
LUKE: You never cease to amaze me.
LORELAI: And I never will. Bye, Doll. [They kiss] And hey, leave the broiler manual out for me. I'm kind of into this whole kitchen appliance genre now, you know? "Kitch lit".
LUKE: All right.
[She exits as Zach is on his way in.]
LORELAI: Hey there, Zach.
ZACH: Howdy.
LANE: Hi there.
ZACH: Well, aren't we bouncy?
[They kiss]
LANE: I'm in a pretty good mood.
ZACH: Why's that?
LANE: I'm just feeling nice and light.
ZACH [looks closely at her]: What's up with your face?
LANE: Oh, what do you think is up with my face?
ZACH: It looks all nude.
LANE: For a good reason.
ZACH: You're not wearing your glasses.
LANE: That's right.
ZACH: But you're blind without your glasses.
LANE: The wonder of contacts.
ZACH: Contacts?
LANE: Contacts.
ZACH: Why?
LANE: Why? So I don't have to wear glasses.
ZACH: So, like, for all the time?
LANE: Yeah – you okay?
ZACH: I guess. I mean, that's a pretty big thing to just spring on a guy.
LANE: Why?
ZACH: You don't look like you.
LANE: Yes, I do. It's just me, my face, without being impeded by a foreign plastic object.
ZACH: But you're the first smart girl I've ever gone out with, and the glasses are a big part of that.
LANE: Well, my I.Q. is still the same. Contacts don't change that.
ZACH: But you lose that initial impact. Now people will have to talk to you for a few minutes to figure out that you're smart.
LANE: Well, then, that's what they'll have to do.
ZACH: Okay. I'll try to get used to it.
LANE: Yeah. And you will.
CUSTOMER: I'm sorry, am I supposed to eat my soup without a spoon?
ZACH: Of course she doesn't think that, okay? She's really smart, she's just not wearing her glasses! [He hands him a spoon.]
RICHARD'S OFFICE
[Richard is in a business meeting.]
MAN #1: You should have heard him, Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, I can imagine.
MAN #1: They had him on speakerphone, and when Lori heard him screaming she ran in holding her shoe. She thought I was being att*cked.
RICHARD [chuckling]: Well, you're in good hands with that Lori.
MAN #2: I wish I had a secretary who'd defend me with her shoe.
RICHARD: Well, he may be mad now, but wait until we go to court.
MAN #1: Well, maybe he'll settle.
MAN #2: Oh, he'll never settle.
RICHARD: Ah, he will, if we send Lori in with her shoe.
MAN #2: Mmm.
MAN #1: He's certainly got his lawyers working on this.
RICHARD: Well, we're going to have to bring in outside counsel. It's going to get a little messy. Who's available?
MAN #2: How about Maurice Newson?
RICHARD: No. He over-colognes.
MAN #1: Briar?
MAN #2: No. Briar's on the Delfini case.
MAN #1: Oh, yeah.
RICHARD: What about Simon McLane?
MAN #2: I don't think you really want Simon on this one, Richard.
RICHARD: Why not? He's always done a top-notch job for us before. He's aggressive, he's not sloppy. He's very creative.
MAN #1: Yes, but Richard –
RICHARD: What?
MAN #2: Well, we just assumed you wouldn't want to work that closely with Simon anymore, you know, since the whole thing with him and Emily?
RICHARD [realization]: Ah. Yes. [He looks pained.] Well, what about Brandt?
MAN #2: Brandt!
MAN #1: Brandt. Mm-hm. Very good.
MAN #2: Terrific.
MAN #1: Brandt it is.
DRAGONFLY INN – KITCHEN
[Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Well, apparently the whole padlock discussion was a big dud. I just got a call from Mrs. Berg. Cletus is standing in her wading pool. I need carrots.
SOOKIE: Bottom shelf.
LORELAI: Oh, I love it when I talk and no one listens. Makes me think of home.
[Michel hurries in.]
MICHEL: Okay. I just took the Andersons to room three, I opened the door and when I went inside I found that the bedspread was mussed!
LORELAI: The bedspread was mussed!
SOOKIE [gasps]: Call a cop!
MICHEL: I checked that room personally after it had been cleaned. It was perfect! No muss!
LORELAI: No fuss!
MICHEL: Why are you joking? Why? Do you not care that people are sneaking into our rooms, mussing the beds, eating the food?
LORELAI: Okay. I'm sorry. You're right.
MICHEL: I know I'm right. I do not need you to tell me I'm right.
LORELAI: Okay. So, what do we think is going on here?
MICHEL: I believe that our employees are clandestinely using our rooms for sexual encounters on their coffee breaks.
LORELAI: Come on.
MICHEL: Lars and Celia seem awfully friendly lately. You don't notice them making goo-goo eyes? And Celia has put on weight. Perhaps one too many Toblerones.
LORELAI: I don't think Lars and Celia are having an affair.
SOOKIE: Hey, maybe we got a ghost.
LORELAI: A ghost. That would be cool. People love haunted inns.
SOOKIE: I wonder what kind of ghost we have.
LORELAI: Maybe a Confederate Soldier.
SOOKIE: Or a lonely spinster that never married.
LORELAI: Or Patrick Swayze.
SOOKIE: In search of his lost career.
LORELAI: Maybe we have ghosts having sex and then eating Toblerones.
SOOKIE [giggles]: Ooh, hungry, horny ghosts.
MICHEL: I am done with both of you.
[He leaves.]
LORELAI: I guess I should go up to room three, and see what's – Kirk! What are you doing here?
KIRK: I'm assembling the bouquet garni.
SOOKIE: I thought you hired him.
LORELAI: I did not hire him.
KIRK: I thought I might want to work on a kitchen staff someday, and I figured this was a good place to learn.
LORELAI: Kirk, get out!
KIRK: Can I at least finish my shift?
SOOKIE: No!
[Lorelai's cell phone rings. She walks into the hall to answer it. Scene cuts between Rory's common room and the Inn.]
LORELAI: Hello.
RORY: Hey. What's up?
LORELAI: We have ghosts.
RORY: Well, it's better than rats. Listen, I need a favor.
LORELAI: From me?
RORY: Yes, from you.
LORELAI: Oh, well, let me get out my list. Okay, I'll write this favor down right under the one that says "Gave me life".
RORY: Look. I may have a thing Friday which would mean that I have to get out of Friday night dinner.
LORELAI: A thing?
RORY: I was wondering if you could cover for me?
LORELAI: What kind of a thing? A man thing?
RORY: Possibly a man thing.
LORELAI: Okay, spill. Who is he?
RORY: I don't want to jinx it, okay? It's not a definite. When I know it's a go I promise I'll fill you in. Completely.
LORELAI: I can't believe you're going to leave me alone with my parents just so you can have a social life. What happened to the good old days, with the spinster daughter taking care of the parents and living a lonely, sexless existence?
RORY: So you'll cover for me?
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: Thank you. I'll call you later.
LORELAI: Bye honey. [She hangs up.]
MICHEL: Hey. I just asked Lars if he was seeing anyone special. He misunderstood and he might be filing one of those sexual harassment charges against me. And you, ‘cause I said you made me. [Hey turns and rushes outside.]
LORELAI: Hey, hey. Michel! Come back here!
KIRK: I'll get him.
LANE'S HOUSE
[The band is practicing.]
ZACH: Okay, guys, let's try it again and let's try not to suck.
LANE: We'll get it. We just have to focus.
BRIAN: By the way, your ‘E' string is a little flat.
ZACH: Which, by the way, makes it a little bit more rock and roll. Okay, are we ready?
LANE: I'm down.
ZACH: Eins, zwi, drei, vier…
GIL: Hey, could you not do the countdown in German? It's depressing.
ZACH: Fine. One, two, three, four.
[They start. Lane notices a knocking at the door. They stop]
ZACH: Who the hell is that?
BRIAN: I hope it's not my girlfriend's husband. [giggles]
ZACH: Oh, that's fresh!
[Lane gets up to answer the knocking. She opens the door. Mrs. Kim stands there looking exasperated.]
LANE: Mama.
MRS. KIM: You couldn't even hear me over that noise.
LANE: That noise is my passion, Mama, and you're keeping me from it.
MRS. KIM: ‘E' string was flat, too.
LANE: What can we do for you?
MRS. KIM: This year I am hosting Lunar New Year dinner. You are to come.
LANE: Why?
MRS. KIM: You are my daughter. Not coming is humiliation.
LANE: Have we forgotten the incident at the newsstand?
MRS. KIM: The what?
LANE: You yelled at my boyfriend, in public, Mama! What's that, if it's not humiliation?
MRS. KIM: That is in the past.
LANE: Not for me.
MRS. KIM: You must come to this.
LANE: Oh, yeah? Well, only if I can bring my boyfriend.
MRS. KIM: What?
LANE: It's both of us or neither of us. Take it or leave it.
MRS. KIM: I have only enough chairs for those invited.
LANE: You sell chairs, Mama, you have eight hundred chairs.
MRS. KIM: Fine. Bring boy. But if boy comes, I invite the Parks. They come.
LANE: I hate the Parks.
MRS. KIM: You shouldn't hate the Parks.
LANE: You hate the Parks. They're mean.
MRS. KIM: I get to hate the Parks.
LANE: Fine. If the Parks come, how about if I bring my whole band? The whole noisy lot of us. How about that? Will that work?
MRS. KIM: Yes.
LANE: What?
MRS. KIM: Bring them all!
LANE: The whole band?
MRS. KIM: Yes. See you then.
LANE: Bu -
[Mrs. Kim leaves. Lane goes back in the house.]
LANE: We're all invited to a party.
[They are all glaring at her.]
KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Lane and the band arrive on the porch.]
BRIAN: Are we early? I don't hear anything.
LANE: That's the sound of a couple dozen Christian Koreans partying down.
GIL: Trippy.
BRIAN [sees the ornament hanging on the door]: Oh, cool. Bok jo ri. They're used to separate grains of rice from small stones. They symbolically catch happiness for the New Year.
GIL: How do you know that?
BRIAN: I've done a little internet research on Korean New Year. Surf the ‘Net, there's a lot of information there.
GIL: There's also a lot of pictures of girls with tattoos on motorcycles. You would think it gets old, but it doesn't.
LANE [To Zach]: Sorry about this.
ZACH: I feel like I'm going to the dentist.
LANE: That's not an unusual thing to feel when approaching the Kim house.
ZACH: I just hope I don't throw up in the bok jo ri.
LANE: I've got your back, okay? You're not alone.
GIL: Are you sure they're home? There's not a sound.
LANE: I'm sure. Go ahead and knock. [Gil knocks.] Uh, Gil? The AC/DC ring.
GIL: Right. Sorry.
[Gil takes the ring off as Mrs. Kim opens the door.]
MRS. KIM: Hello.
LANE: Hello, Mama. I said we'd come and we've come.
GIL: I'm Gil.
[He puts out his hand to shake. Mrs. Kim looks at it.]
MRS. KIM: Yes.
LANE: And Mama, you know Brian.
BRIAN: Say hay boke-mahn he pah du say oh. [Korean New Year's blessing]
LANE: He likes the internet.
MRS. KIM: And who's this half-boy hiding behind you?
LANE: That's Zach, Mama. You've met him too.
BRIAN [pouting]: Happy New Year, I guess.
MRS. KIM: Yes. Come in.
[They enter.]
DOOSE'S MARKET – OUTSIDE
[Lorelai is walking down the street when she sees Jackson pushing Davey in a stroller.]
LORELAI: Well, lookie here, the fleet's in town. [She bends down to see Davey.]
JACKSON: Yep. We're having a little Davey-Daddy night tonight. Just the men being manly. Want to punch me in the stomach?
LORELAI: I'll pass on the punch.
JACKSON: Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
LORELAI: I don't want to pull your finger either.
JACKSON: I know now is an important time for you guys. The inn's just getting off the ground. There's a lot of extra work. But if you could just encourage Sookie to ease up a little – delegate.
LORELAI: Sookie, delegate?
JACKSON: I know. But with the pregnancy and all? And I know her hours are generally pretty good. Most nights she's home by seven. It's just these new late nights that worry me.
LORELAI: Late nights?
JACKSON: I mean not worry me, worry me. I just don't want her to overdo it.
LORELAI: Oh, sure. Sure. But, Jackson, I think Sookie left before me tonight.
JACKSON: Oh, no. She called. She said the new kitchen help's a little slow. Whatever. I know she has to do it. It's just every week now. It's no big deal. Just see if you can say something.
LORELAI: Oh. Okay, I'll see what I can do.
JACKSON [to Davey]: Okay, son. I think it's time to get you laid.
LORELAI: Oh, that's sweet. Bye, boys.
[Jackson walks away with the stroller. Lorelai turns and walks the other way.]
ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - FRONT DOOR
[Emily exits the house, dressed for the party.]
EMILY [Calling back into the house]: Gretchen, I can still smell the fish from here!
[She closes the door. Richard meets her on the driveway.]
EMILY: Well, funny running into you here. You look very nice.
RICHARD [aloof]: Thank you.
EMILY: Do you have the directions? I have an extra copy if you need it.
RICHARD: I'm fine. Thank you.
EMILY [puzzled at his formal manner]: All right. I guess I'll see you there.
RICHARD: Seems inevitable, doesn't it?
[Richard walks to his car. Emily watches him go, then gets into her car. They leave.]
KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Dining room. A large table is surrounded by Koreans eating quietly. A separate table at the end holds Lane and the boys.]
GIL: Good eats. Slimy.
BRIAN: I'm enjoying it.
GIL: I like slimy food, ‘cause it slides down easy, and I get the sense it keeps sliding, right? Which helps your colon and stuff, ‘cause it scrapes as it slides, and since it's not in you long, you don't get fat, you know?
ZACH: Just eat.
LANE: You're not hungry?
GIL: Slimy food doesn't float my boat like it does others. [He sets down his chopsticks and stands up.] I'll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom.
[The small spectacled child sitting near to them pipes up.]
KID: You're not allowed to leave the table.
ZACH: Nature's calling, kid.
KID [yells]: Nature must wait!
[Everyone at the Korean table stares at Zach.]
ZACH: How's about keeping it down, there, scooter?
KID [still yelling]: Sit ‘till we're done!
[Zach sits.]
ZACH [to Lane]: If I b*at the crap out of this little kid, will anyone care?
LANE: Mama locks the bathroom door while we eat, anyway.
ZACH: Super.
[Mrs. Kim stands up and addresses the group.]
MRS. KIM: We are done eating. There will be a thirty minute break till dessert, while Mrs. Shin and her fellow musicians play for you in the other room. Mrs. Shin, better start setting up.
[The musicians get up and start carrying their instruments into the other room.]
GIL: Look at the funky guitar! Awesome!
BRIAN: It's a Gayaguem. And if I'm not mistaken, I believe I spotted a Dahnso and a Janggoo on the way in.
[Kyon looks over from the other table.]
GIL: Man, I gotta check this out. [He starts to get up, then looks at the kid.] Can I get up?
KID: Yes.
[Gil nods and gets up.]
ZACH: Yeah, he can get up?
[The kid glares.]
KYON: You have much knowledge of Korean culture.
BRIAN [surprised]: Thanks.
KYON: That was forward of me. I should retire to my room and sleep.
BRIAN: No, don't do that. It's okay.
[Kyon and Brian both smile shyly. Zach and Lane notice everyone looking at them.]
YALE CAMPUS PUB
[Rory and Logan are sitting together, laughing comfortably.]
RORY: I can't believe you've never seen the Office!
LOGAN: I feel very stupid.
RORY: Well, you should. It's brilliant. Especially the fourth time you see
it.
LOGAN: What happens the fourth time you see it?
RORY: You can actually understand what they're saying. I have them all on DVD. You can borrow them if you want, but only if promise to abide by the fourth time rule.
LOGAN: I'll abide by your fourth time rule. If it's as good as you say, I'll raise you a fifth.
RORY: Deal.
LOGAN: Oh, here, I almost forgot your notes. [He lifts the pile of file folders out of his bag.]
RORY: Oh, I hope they helped.
LOGAN: They did. Some guy tried to mug me earlier and I b*at him to death with them.
RORY: Hey, I like my research.
LOGAN: I like your research too, and thank you.
RORY: It helped?
LOGAN: Story's done, Doyle's safe, all is right with the world.
RORY: You're welcome.
LOGAN: So.
RORY: So.
LOGAN: It's been fun.
RORY: Yeah. It has been.
LOGAN: Okay, so I should get going. I'm headed to New York.
RORY: Right. For your dad's party.
LOGAN: Yep. So, have a good weekend.
RORY: Oh, yeah. You too. Have a good weekend.
LOGAN: And hey, don't be a stranger.
[He pats her on the shoulder and leaves. She looks disappointed.]
DRAGONFLY INN - LOBBY
[Lorelai enters. Kirk is at the reception desk.]
LORELAI: Hey, Kirk.
KIRK: No messages.
LORELAI: Super.
[She heads up the stairs.]
DRAGONFLY INN – UPSTAIRS
[Lorelai comes around the corner. She listens at the door of one of the rooms. We hear the sound of a T.V. She quietly opens the door with her key. Sookie is sitting on the bed eating chocolate.]
LORELAI: Oh, behold our ghost.
SOOKIE: Okay, this isn't what it looks like.
LORELAI: I don't know what it looks like.
SOOKIE: I'm just watching T.V.
LORELAI: Because we have the convenient channel list next to the bed?
SOOKIE: No. Though it is convenient.
LORELAI: Sookie, you want to tell me what's going on? You know, before Kirk changes into his maid's outfit and starts to clean the room?
SOOKIE: A few weeks ago I read in the paper that there was going to be an episode of Dark Shadows on, the one where Barnabas is released from his tomb, and I used to love Dark Shadows, and I just suddenly really wanted to see it.
LORELAI: Sure.
SOOKIE: So, I didn't get off work in time to get home and see it, so I just came up here, and it was just supposed to be that one time, but the room was really nice, and I was really comfortable, and there were Toblerones, and I just had the best time. It was an hour all to myself, and the next week it was another good episode, and I just kinda –
LORELAI: Decided to haunt the place.
SOOKIE: I tried to clean up afterwards, and the bed was not mussed. Michel is too a**l for his own good. I'm horrible.
LORELAI: You're not horrible.
SOOKIE: I am. I'm the most horrible person in the world.
LORELAI: Well, my mother will be sad to know she's been dethroned.
SOOKIE: I'm lying to my husband. I'm eating the inn's candy!
LORELAI: You can't discuss this with Jackson? Tell him you need one night a week to yourself to watch Dark Shadows? He wouldn't understand that?
SOOKIE: Of course he would understand. That's the problem. Jackson would immediately tell me, "Sit down, relax, watch T.V" and he'll take care of Davey.
LORELAI: Huh. Men are pigs.
SOOKIE: And then I would sit there racked with guilt because he works all day too, and I would think about the fact that I'm shirking my motherly duties, and it would ruin everything. But here –
LORELAI: I get it.
SOOKIE: I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
LORELAI: Oh, don't worry about it. I do think you should tell Jackson, though. He thinks I have you chained to the stove. He's worried you're working too hard.
SOOKIE: I know. I'll go home right now and tell him.
LORELAI: Okay.
SOOKIE: Of course, it's the episode where Barnabas kidnaps Maggie.
LORELAI: And imprisons her in a coffin in the mausoleum's secret room in punishment for disobeying him?
SOOKIE: Yeah!
LORELAI: Scoot over.
SOOKIE [excited]: Really?
LORELAI: Yep.
SOOKIE: Ah, cool!
[Lorelai sits on the bed with Sookie. Sookie offers her some chocolate]
SOOKIE: Toblerone?
LORELAI: Mmm. These rooms are nice.
SOOKIE: Mm-hmm.
THE GALA – VALET PARKING STALL
[Emily drives up in her Mercedes. People are milling around the entrance. She calls after the valet, who appears to be busy with something else.]
EMILY: Excuse me, I need a ticket!
SIMON: Emily!
EMILY: Simon! Well, this is a pleasant surprise!
SIMON: Waiting for someone?
EMILY: Yes, a mysterious man with an exotic accent and a red coat to give me a ticket for my car.
SIMON: Ah. Well, I wish you a great deal of luck.
EMILY: So, who are you here with?
SIMON: My daughter and her husband. They're right over there. I'd love for you to meet them. [He waves at them.] Diana, come here for a second!
[A car smashes into the Mercedes' rear.]
EMILY: Oh! What on earth?
[She gets out of the car. Richard gets out of the other car.]
RICHARD: Emily.
EMILY: Richard! Have you lost your mind?
RICHARD: I misjudged the distance.
EMILY: You misjudged the distance! You h*t my car!
RICHARD: I was distracted.
SIMON: Emily, are you okay?
RICHARD: I'm her husband, Simon. I'll ask her if she's okay. [To Emily] Are you okay?
EMILY: I'm fine.
RICHARD: She's fine, Simon. Are you happy? Now, go away.
SIMON: Emily, maybe you should see a doctor.
EMILY: No, I –
RICHARD: We will determine whether she needs to see a doctor. This is a family matter.
SIMON: I'll call you tomorrow and see how you are.
RICHARD: She'll be fine, Simon. She doesn't need your call. [He walks thr*at toward Simon.] Do you hear me, Simon? Don't call.
[Simon leaves. Richard grabs Emily by the arm.]
EMILY: Were you bitten by some kind of rabid animal?
RICHARD: Let's go. [To a valet] You! You! I'm taking her home. I'll come back for this car.
EMILY: You're what?
[He pulls her around to the passenger's side of his car.]
RICHARD: You were just in a car accident, Emily. You can't go to a party after having been in an accident. Let's go.
[He puts her in the car.]
EMILY: What are you doing?
[He gets in the driver's side.]
RICHARD: Maybe we should take you to the hospital.
EMILY: I think it's a toss-up who needs the trip to the hospital more.
RICHARD: When you pull up to a valet stand, you get out of the car. You don't dawdle.
EMILY: I was waiting for someone to take my car!
RICHARD: Well, you wait outside the car! Everybody knows that.
EMILY: It is not my fault that you ran into my car.
RICHARD: I know you dated him.
EMILY: What?
RICHARD: Simon McLane! I know you dated Simon McLane!
EMILY: Richard, I was just in an accident. Now is hardly the time to discuss this.
RICHARD: Fine. I found out about it in a business meeting, which was hardly the time to find out about it, but fine.
EMILY: It was dinner.
RICHARD: Dinner. Of course.
EMILY: Nothing happened.
RICHARD: Of course nothing happened.
EMILY: Stop it, Richard. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.
RICHARD: Well, I told you that nothing happened between me and Pennilyn Lott. That all we did was have lunch. And I wouldn't have said that if that weren't true!
EMILY: Well, then, there's nothing more to be said about these things.
RICHARD: I agree.
EMILY: People are staring, Richard.
RICHARD: We're going.
[He drives away.]
KIM'S ANTIQUES
[A group of Koreans are sitting on the floor playing traditional Korean music on their Korean instruments. Gil is playing the "funky guitar". The rest of them are standing around listening, nodding appreciatively. Lane and Zach are standing in the corner, bored.]
LANE: Dessert is it. We wolf it down, we've done our duty, we're out of here.
ZACH: I'm counting the seconds.
[Mrs. Kim approaches.]
MRS. KIM: Lane.
LANE: Yes, Mama?
MRS. KIM: I need your help in the kitchen.
LANE: My help?
MRS. KIM: Food got extra stuck to pots tonight. Need you to pound the hammer while Aunt Jun holds the chisel. Come. [Lane doesn't move.] Lane, come now.
LANE: I'm watching the music, Mama. We're watching – my boyfriend and I. Maybe when it's done.
MRS. KIM: Dirty plates don't wait for Gayageum. I ask you, you come.
LANE: I'm here as a guest, and, by the way, I didn't hear you ask. I heard you demand.
ZACH: Lane –
MRS. KIM: Because you don't offer. As I taught you to.
LANE: Here we go.
MRS. KIM: Such insolence!
ZACH: Lane –
LANE: You don't get it, Mama.
MRS. KIM: Oh, I get it. You're modern woman now. Too big to chisel crust off plates. Just standing there, grooving to Gayageum.
LANE: Mama –
MRS. KIM: You have values. Values I did not teach you. Spending time with boys – living with boys! Banging drums and playing noise in a rock band with boys!
LANE: Mama –
MRS. KIM: Paint in your fingernails, gel in your hair. So vain now, you no longer even wear your glasses!
LANE: I've got contacts! I don't need them.
MRS. KIM: You're not you without your glasses.
ZACH: I agree.
MRS. KIM: What?
LANE: What?
ZACH: It's just – your glasses. I liked your glasses. You should wear them. I'm just saying.
MRS. KIM: She should wear them. She should always wear them.
ZACH: I've said it before, but it's true. They made you look smart.
MRS. KIM: Of course they made her look smart. She's a smart girl. Glasses fit her.
ZACH: Totally.
LANE: Zach –
MRS. KIM: You always looked good in them. Glasses suit her face.
ZACH: The black frames, especially with her hair –
MRS. KIM: She wore them in the first grade. She first girl in her class.
ZACH: And I bet she looked great.
MRS. KIM: I have pictures in a photo book. I could show you.
ZACH: I'd love to see them.
LANE: Wait, Zach –
MRS. KIM: Come. We chisel pots later.
[She opens a drawer and pulls out a photo album. She points to a photo.]
ZACH: Aw.
[Camera goes back to the musicians. They finish a song.]
GIL: Aw, yeah! Awesome! You guys rock. Do you know Inna Godda Davida?
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE – FOYER
[Richard and Emily enter.]
RICHARD: I'll make arrangements to get your car to the shop tomorrow.
EMILY: Thank you.
RICHARD: You might want to re-think that lease, though. [Pause] Are you sure you're feeling all right?
EMILY: I'm fine.
[Richard takes a few steps forward, then stops.]
RICHARD: I don't want to go back to the pool house.
EMILY: Come home.
[Richard turns to look at her.]
ELDER GILMORE HOUSE – PATIO
[Rory enters. Lorelai is coming from the pool house.]
RORY: Hey.
LORELAI: Hey. What are you doing here?
RORY: Friday night dinner. Is it not Friday night dinner?
LORELAI: No, I mean yes, but I thought you had a thing.
RORY: Oh, well, it wasn't a for sure thing.
LORELAI: You made it sound for sure.
RORY: It was a maybe thing, and now it's a nothing.
LORELAI: Oh, you look disappointed.
RORY: I don't want to talk about it.
LORELAI: Do you want to talk about it?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Okay. Not even to tell me who the guy is?
RORY: He's no one. Forget it.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, the mystery of the Gilmore dinners continues.
RORY: Meaning?
LORELAI: The pool house is empty.
RORY: Grandpa forgot about us again?
LORELAI: Yes! Apparently all the complexes incurred in my childhood were not enough. They need to keep a'coming.
RORY: Did you check on Grandma yet?
LORELAI: I'm on my way there now. [Gasps] Is it Marty?
RORY: Forget it, Mom.
LORELAI: Okay. But is it?
RORY: No!
LORELAI [looking in the window]: Oh – oh!
RORY: What are they doing together?
[We can see Richard and Emily talking animatedly.]
LORELAI: Are they arguing?
RORY: No – well, I don't know, they don't look mad.
LORELAI: Oh, great. I'm so not in referee mode tonight.
RORY: Grandma just laughed.
LORELAI: Eh, it could have been an evil laugh. A "I'm laughing at your pain" kind of laugh.
RORY: Looked like a plain old laugh to me.
LORELAI: Oh, Dad's picking up an ashtray. He's going to throw it at her! Finally.
RORY: No! No, he's just moving it.
LORELAI: I don't get it. What is going on? What are they doing?
RORY: I don't –
[They gasp in unison as Emily and Richard embrace.]
RORY: Holy!
LORELAI: Ah – oh my God. My parents are having an affair.
[Richard and Emily break apart as they notice the girls outside.]
LORELAI: Oh, careful, it might be a trap.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I don't know. I'm freaking out. This does not compute, does not compute.
[Richard opens the patio door.]
RICHARD: Girls! Wonderful to see you.
LORELAI: Hi.
RICHARD: Come in, come in, come in.
EMILY: Hi, you're just in time.
LORELAI: For what?
RICHARD: The celebration. [A maid enters carrying a tray.] Ah! Champagne. Perfect.
RORY: What are we celebrating?
RICHARD: Uh, should we tell them?
EMILY: They're going to find out sooner or later.
RICHARD: All right, then. Lorelai, Rory, your grandmother and I have reconciled. We are officially back together.
RORY: Really? Oh my God! [She hugs them.] That's great! I'm so happy.
LORELAI: When did this reconciliation happen?
EMILY: Yesterday.
RICHARD: And last night. And this morning.
EMILY: Richard.
LORELAI [scolding herself]: Don't ask questions. Don't ask questions. Don't ask questions!
[The telephone rings.]
EMILY: And next week your father and I are going to renew our wedding vows.
RICHARD: A week from tomorrow, on our fortieth wedding anniversary.
RORY: Aw!
LORELAI: Wow. That's great!
EMILY: And you're going to be my maid of honor.
LORELAI: Uh, wha-
[Robert enters.]
ROBERT: Excuse me, Mr. Gilmore. Mr. Jeffries from the Windsor Club for you.
RICHARD: Ah, yes. Thank you, Robert. [Robert exits.] Oh, by the way, I'm f*ring Robert next week.
EMILY: You won't need him.
RICHARD: No, I won't. [Answering the phone] Richard Gilmore here. [Pause] The Gold Room? Ah, yeah, would you hold on for a moment, please? Uh, Emily, they say they can free up the Gold Room.
EMILY: How are we supposed to fit a twenty piece band in the Gold Room? No, we need the Rose Room.
RICHARD: Right. [On the phone.] I'm afraid the Gold Room won't do. We need the Rose Room. [Pause] Well, perhaps they'd be willing to switch dates. We'd certainly be happy to make it worth their while. Of course, I'll hold.
EMILY: Richard, we just have to get the Rose Room.
RICHARD: Don't you worry, our company insures that building. We don't get that room, suddenly they have a very expensive foundation upgrade to go through.
EMILY: I married a wonderful man, girls.
RORY: Yes, you did.
LORELAI: Hey, Mom, about this whole, um, maid of honor thing?
EMILY: Oh, yes. Richard, can you spare us a moment? I want to take Lorelai upstairs.
LORELAI: Why?
RICHARD: Of course.
LORELAI: Wha- why do you want to take me upstairs?
EMILY: Wonderful, we'll be right back. [She pulls Lorelai up.]
LORELAI: Why doesn't Rory have to go upstairs?
RICHARD: I'll finish this phone call and then Rory and I will discuss the possibility of her being my best man.
RORY: Really? I'm going to be your best man?
LORELAI [afraid]: What's upstairs?
[Emily succeeds in pushing Lorelai up the stairs.]
UPSTAIRS
[Lorelai walks into a room filled with wedding dresses. A voice comes out from behind them, somewhere.]
CELINE [OS]: Ah, Emily. Wonderful timing. Please start with the Oscar de la Renta. Susan Hayworth never wore anything but de la Renta in her final days. Clark Gable never knew what he was missing. [laughs] He was a cad, but the crease in his pants was immaculate. [She emerges from the closet and gasps.] Oh, my God! It's Natalie Wood.
LORELAI: Hello, Miss Celine. You look wonderful.
CELINE: Olive oil on the inside and on the outside. Anna Manana taught me that.
EMILY: I think this has too much lace, Celine.
CELINE: Ah, there can't be too much lace, as long as it's Italian. What do you think, Natalie?
EMILY: What do you think?
LORELAI: Whatever you want, Mom.
EMILY: Lorelai! You're my maid of honor. I need your opinion here.
LORELAI: Well, I kind of like that one, or even the one next to it.
EMILY: I'll try them both. [She takes them into the dressing room.]
CELINE: You'll try them all. I had the worst row with Dietrich once. I told her, "Marlene, until you actually become a man you must try dresses on like a woman." And that means all of them.
[Lorelai laughs politely.]
CELINE: Are you married, Natalie?
LORELAI: Oh, no, not yet.
EMILY [OS]: Actually, Celine, she just opened her own business. She owns an inn now.
CELINE: Hmm, an inn, how charming.
[Lorelai begins perusing the dresses. Celine wanders over to an accessory box and pulls out some silicone bra implants.]
CELINE: Emily, do you need breasts or are yours sufficing for the moment?
EMILY [coming out wearing the lace-covered dress]: I'm fine for the moment, Celine.
CELINE: Oh, my God, you're Mary Martin. Take it off immediately.
EMILY: Oh, dear.
LORELAI: Here, try this one on, Mom.
EMILY [OS]: You know, I'm trying to decide whether to go with a hat or some sort of headpiece, or whether that's too much.
CELINE: When I was dressing Marilyn for her wedding to Arthur Miller, I told her, I said, "Marilyn! Wear a flat hat on your head. It will remind him of a book." She didn't, and we all saw how that turned out.
LORELAI: You wear whatever you want, Mom.
EMILY: Celine, I'm going to need some help with this zipper.
[As Celine helps her, Emily watches as Lorelai holds a dress up to herself and checks herself in the mirror.]
CELINE: Oh, very elegant. Very nice, oh. There you go, Mrs. Oscar Lavant, love that. Here, try the Dior just for giggles, hmm?
EMILY: All right.
LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke is lying in bed.]
LUKE: I will never, under any circumstances, no matter how short a dress you put on, go back to Al's Pancake World ever, ever again.
LORELAI [OS]: Aw, you didn't like your manicotti?
LUKE: That was not manicotti, it was square and flat and blue.
LORELAI [OS]: Yeah. Manicotti's rarely blue.
[Lorelai comes out of the bathroom.]
LUKE: You know, I've been thinking, uh, maybe I shouldn't go to this thing of your parents'.
LORELAI: First Al's Pancake World, and now my parents vow renewal?
LUKE: I'm serious. I'm not really their favorite person. They don't really want me there.
LORELAI: Hey, I'm not their favorite person either, and I still have to go.
LUKE: I know, it's just – it's going to be this big fancy thing with all their friends. And, you know, I just –
LORELAI: Listen. My parents are very weird people. They don't hate you. They just don't know you. This is the perfect opportunity. They'll be happy. They'll be smashed. You show up, shake some hands, get in a few family pictures, and before you know it my mother will be trying to convince you you're too good for me. [Luke sighs.] Come on, it'll be fun. Good food. Open bar. I'm wearing a fabulous dress and as maid of honor, if you're not there, I'll have to get drunk and make out with the best man. Who is Rory. So you can see all the creepy ramifications of your absence here.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: Okay? [Luke nods.] Okay. [She gasps, seeing the T.V.] Hey! You got a T.V.!
LUKE: Oh. Yeah.
LORELAI: Since when did you get a T.V.?
LUKE: I just picked it up this morning.
LORELAI: What about your REM sleep?
LUKE: Hey, twice a week you're going to bed at 9:30 like a 72-year-old woman because I have early deliveries, so I figured the least I could do is make sure you don't miss your Charlie Rose or your Patrick Stewart –
LORELAI: Jon Stewart.
LUKE: And plus, I can sleep through anything. Once I'm out, I'm out.
LORELAI: Oh, I know.
LUKE: So, here. [He hands her the remote.] Enjoy.
LORELAI [turning on the T.V.]: You are too good for me.
LUKE: Well, maybe I'll meet a nice girl at your parent's wedding.
[Lorelai glares as he turns off the light, then settles in to watch T.V.]
CHRISTOPHER'S APARTMENT
[Gigi is on the floor watching Teletubbies. Chris is working on a laptop. There is a knock at the door. Chris gets up to answer it.]
CHRIS: Emily. Wow, this is a surprise.
EMILY: May I come in? [She walks in.]
CHRIS: Yes, please come in. I didn't even know you knew where I lived.
EMILY: I know all kinds of things. [She looks around.] Obviously you have a maid.
CHRIS: Yes, I have a maid-nanny combo.
EMILY: Ah. How McDonald's of you.
CHRIS: Uh, can I get you something? A tea, or coffee, or –
EMILY: I'm fine, thank you. [She looks down at Gigi.] So, this is the child.
CHRIS: Yes, this is Georgia. We call her Gigi.
EMILY: And her mother's still gone?
CHRIS: Yes. She's in Paris.
EMILY: All right. I'll come straight to the point, Christopher. Now, I have known you a long time. I watched you grow up. You were a charming boy. A weak, but charming boy. And to be completely honest, I never thought much of you. I still don't.
CHRIS: Wow. That's great of you to come by and share that with me.
EMILY: However, you have good breeding. You come from an impeccable and you love Lorelai. You've always loved Lorelai. You would've married her when she got pregnant. I know that. And you would have married her if that girlfriend of yours hadn't gotten pregnant with this. [She gestures at Gigi.] I know that too. Lorelai's in a relationship now, did you know that?
CHRIS: Yes, I know that.
EMILY: He owns a diner. He's a divorcee. He's uneducated, he's not a proper stepfather for Rory and he's completely unsuitable for Lorelai. My daughter is stubborn, but she's capable of greatness. And watching her settle down with a man who could hold her back from that is unacceptable. You, at least, won't hold her back.
CHRIS: Okay, Emily, I'm very confused by this speech of yours, and Gigi needs to be fed.
EMILY: She's getting serious with this man. I've seen it with my own eyes. If you want a chance with Lorelai you had better do something. And you had better do something now. [She places an envelope on the table.] Timing has never been your strong point, Christopher. You should see if you can change that. Goodbye, Gigi. Enjoy your program.
[She leaves. Chris picks up the envelope and opens it.]
_________END__________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x12 - Come Home"} | foreverdreaming |
[Episode opens with scenes from previous episodes.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is on the phone.]
LUKE: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You don't? Well, when are you going to get it in? Fine. Two boxes of annular thread silicon pronged boat pads. [Lorelai enters.] A band saw. A wood rack, and a jack plane. Yeah, I'll hold.
[Lorelai waves. Luke grunts.]
LORELAI: Eh? Apparently now we've been married for forty years?
LUKE: Sorry. This stupid boat supply place does everything but actually supply anything.
LORELAI: Oh, catalogues. I love catalogues.
LUKE: It's boating parts. Yes, yes, I'm here! [Pause.] None of them. Man, you must have a lot of room in that place of yours. Yeah, sure. Backorder it. What the hell.
LORELAI: Oh! Look at these boots!
LUKE: Let's try twenty C-clamps, five inches or larger. A box of quarter inch teak buns, marine caulk.
LORELAI: And the boots. Get the boots.
LUKE: Yeah, go check. I'll hold. [To Lorelai] What are you babbling about?
LORELAI: I want these boots.
LUKE: Those are work boots.
LORELAI: They're yellow and cute. I'll look like the Morton's Salt girl.
LUKE: How the hell did you find something to buy in my boat supply catalogue?
LORELAI: Size nine, please?
LUKE: Yes, I'm here. None of them? Well, at least you're consistent. Okay, backorder all of them. Yes, the C-clamps, the teak buns, the marine caulk - [rolls his eyes at Lorelai, who is kissing the boots in the catalogue.] - and one pair of fisherman's boots, size nine. [Lorelai raises a fist in victory.] Of course, those you have. Okay. Send them right along. Uh-huh. [He hangs up the phone.] They'll be here Tuesday.
LORELAI: Aw, you didn't have to do that.
LUKE: Hey, is it okay if I come over tonight and work on the boat a little?
LORELAI: With what? Sheer masculinity and some imaginary sandpaper?
LUKE: I have plenty to do until the backorder stuff gets here.
LORELAI: All right. I thought you were going to spend the evening trying to figure out how to fling yourself down the stairs just hard enough that you won't have to go to my parents' thing tomorrow, but not so hard that you actually die.
LUKE: No, I thought instead that I'd try to find a wild boar to maul me just enough that I'll need medical attention so I won't be able to go to your parents' thing tomorrow, but after some stitches and a transfusion, I'll still be able to make you coffee.
LORELAI: Oh, much better plan.
LUKE: I've started to run the rigging. I just wanted to get a little further on it.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Rory's spending the night. We're having a Cop Rock marathon.
LUKE: Okay. Here's your donuts.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: And your coffee.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: And my final plea to not make me go to this thing tomorrow.
LORELAI: [Pause.] You do not have to go.
LUKE: Fine. I'll go.
LORELAI: I love it when I break you with just the sheer anticipation of a wear-down!
LUKE: Hold on, did you say Cop Rock marathon?
LORELAI: Yeah, I got 'em all on tape. [Pause.] Trying to figure out what you see in me?
LUKE: Yep.
LORELAI: Wait'll you see me in the boots.
[She exits.]
OPENING CREDITS
LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN
[Rory and Lorelai are preparing a feast of frozen waffles, pop tarts and similar food. Rory's laptop is set up at the table and she is burning CD's as they "cook".]
LORELAI: Okay, I know I was the one that said I was craving mashed potatoes, but, oh my God, they're a lot of work.
RORY: It's instant mashed potatoes. Key word: instant.
LORELAI: Oh, no, not instant. I have to mix water and butter into it, not to mention the adding of salt and pepper.
RORY: OK The Best of Super Furry Animals complete.
LORELAI: Oh! Plus I have to rip the package open, dump it into a bowl and, oh my God, are they serious? I have to stir the mixture to combine? What is this, the Gulag?
RORY: Hey, do you want the Arcade f*re?
LORELAI: I don't know, do I?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: Then yes. So basically once I'm finished with all this manual labor, I still have to clean the bowl.
RORY: And the spoon.
LORELAI: What do I use the spoon for?
RORY: Stir to combine.
LORELAI [Waves her hand around in the bowl.]: Pfft. Right. What do I use the spoon for?
RORY: Oh, my mistake. Carry on.
LORELAI: So let's cut to the chase. How badly do you want these mashed potatoes?
RORY: You wanted the mashed potatoes.
LORELAI: 'Cause with tater tots I can just rip and dump.
RORY: Then stick with your strengths. Brain Master Eno coming up next.
[There is a knock at the back door.]
LORELAI: Who is it?
LUKE [OS]: It's me.
LORELAI: Me who?
LUKE [OS]: Rory, can you just open the door? [She does.] Do you have an extension cord I can use?
RORY: I'll go look.
[Rory exits.]
LORELAI: Hi! Come on in.
LUKE: No, that's all right. I don't want to disturb you guys.
LORELAI: Oh, you're not disturbing us.
LUKE: Well, I'm dirty.
LORELAI: Well, so's the house.
LUKE: And if I come in there I'll see what you guys are planning on eating and I'll want to k*ll myself.
LORELAI: It just so happens I am making a garden spring salad with three bitter lettuces and a breaded French country chicken.
LUKE [Sarcastic]: Really, you are?
LORELAI: No. So how's the boat coming?
LUKE: Slow.
LORELAI: Oh, well, you should've built a motorboat.
RORY [returning]: Extension cord.
LUKE: Thank you. I'll let you get back to taking five years off your life.
LORELAI: Meh. They were the five where I would've been wearing fuschia lipstick way beyond my lip line, so I wouldn't want 'em anyhow.
[They kiss.]
LUKE: See you tomorrow.
LORELAI: Ten-thirty sharp.
[Luke leaves. Lorelai puts the tater tots in the oven.]
LORELAI: Okay. First course ready?
RORY: Ready!
LORELAI: Let's Cop Rock.
[They head for the living room. The phone rings. Lorelai answers it.]
LORELAI: Hello?
EMILY: I picked up my dress from the dressmaker and it's a disaster.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: I got it home and it's falling apart. I need you to fix it.
LORELAI: Uh, but -
EMILY: I'm coming over.
LORELAI: No, Mom, I -
EMILY: Yes, I need you to fix this.
LORELAI: I'm not the woman who made it. Make her fix it.
EMILY: When a woman gives birth to a crack baby you do not buy her a puppy.
LORELAI: What does that mean?
EMILY: I want this dress to be perfect for tomorrow, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Yes, Mom, but -
EMILY: It's the most important day of my life, Lorelai!
LORELAI: It's not even the most important day of your marriage!
EMILY: I'll be there in half an hour, Lorelai. [She hangs up.]
LORELAI: No. Hello? Mom? But - [She hangs up.] She's coming over.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Because she won't buy her seamstress a puppy.
RORY: Oh, sure.
LORELAI: Something about her dress. Crap, what are we going to do?
RORY: I don't know!
LORELAI: We can't eat all of this before she gets here.
RORY: Most of it.
LORELAI: Sure, most of it.
RORY: But not the tater tots or the pizza tower.
LORELAI: Okay, we'll have to do the evening in two parts. We'll watch one Cop Rock, eat this stuff here, she'll come over, I'll get her dress done as fast as I can, then we'll continue with our evening.
RORY: Maybe we should put it off.
LORELAI: She comes, I fix, she goes, we Rock. Now eat.
RORY: Hmm. [She reaches for a pop-tart.]
LATER - OUTSIDE LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Luke is sanding the boat in the garage. Emily drives up. She notices him there, and walks up to Luke. When he notices her behind him, he is surprised and drops the sander, still running, on the ground. He struggles to turn it off.]
LUKE: Oh! Hi, Emily. I just - I didn't see you standing there. I'm just working on my boat.
EMILY: You're building a boat?
LUKE: Yes.
EMILY: Does it float?
LUKE: Not yet.
EMILY: Aren't boats supposed to?
LUKE: Eventually, yes.
EMILY: Well, at least you have a hobby.
LUKE: Yes. Thank God for that, huh?
EMILY: Idle hands, and whatnot.
LUKE: It will float eventually.
EMILY: Oh, I'm sure it will.
LUKE: I just have to do a little more -
EMILY: Well, I should get inside.
LUKE: Yeah, it's nice seeing you again.
EMILY: Yes.
LUKE: Oh! Uh, congratulations.
EMILY: For what?
LUKE: You know, your thing tomorrow, renewing your vows.
EMILY: You congratulate the groom. You offer the bride best wishes.
LUKE: Oh. [Pause.] Uh, best wishes.
EMILY: Why, thank you, Luke. How sweet of you to say. I'll see you tomorrow.
LUKE: Hey, I'm looking forward to it.
[Emily frowns a little, then walks toward the house.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE - INSIDE
[Emily knocks on the door. Lorelai answers it.]
LORELAI: Mom, great. Come on in. Okay, so, is that the dress?
EMILY: Yes, yes -
LORELAI: Okay, well, let me take a look here.
RORY: Hi, Grandma. Big day tomorrow, huh?
EMILY: That wasn't your dinner, was it?
RORY: No, that was just the appetizer.
EMILY: Oh, well that's a relief.
LORELAI: Mom, I don't see anything wrong.
EMILY: Lorelai, are you blind? Look!
LORELAI: Where?
EMILY: Right there. [She points.] That bead and that bead and that bead, all loose.
LORELAI: Okay, I see it now. I don't know how I missed it. Well, this is going to take me no time at all, five minutes tops.
EMILY: Well, don't rush it.
LORELAI: No, no, no rush. It's an easy job. Three and a half minutes and you're on you're way. You don't even need to sit down, because by the time you do, this'll be done. In fact you should have just left the car running 'cause that's how quick this is going to be. [She bolts up the stairs.]
RORY: So how you holding up, Grandma?
EMILY: I'm a wreck, actually.
RORY: Why?
EMILY: Well -
LORELAI [From upstairs]: Two minutes and we're done!
EMILY: I still can't decide exactly what to do with my hair, and I have absolutely zero faith that my wedding planner is going to be able to pull this off -
LORELAI [returning with her sewing things]: Thirty seconds - someone clock me. [To Emily, who is taking off her coat.] What are you doing?
EMILY: Do you have anything to drink?
LORELAI: No, no, Mom, why are you taking off your coat?
EMILY: Some wine, or some chilled vodka, perhaps?
LORELAI: Yeah, but you might want to hold off on having a drink, Mom, 'cause you're going to be driving in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
EMILY: Well, I could use a little something. Calm my nerves about this wedding planner I hired.
LORELAI: I'm sure everything's going to be fine.
EMILY: I don't see how it can be, everything is so last minute, and I didn't even get a decent rehearsal!
LORELAI: Mom, I promise you, I have successfully walked in a straight line at least once before. I can get you the cop's name if you want to talk to him.
EMILY: Oh, well, it's too late to do anything about it now. [She gets up to go into the kitchen.]
LORELAI: No, no, Mom. Wait, I'm almost there, I'm almost there! I'm done, I'm done, I'm done!
[The phone rings.]
LORELAI: Stop her from getting a drink.
RORY: How?
LORELAI: Show her Nick Nolte's mug sh*t. [Answering the phone.] Hello?
[Scene cuts between Lorelai's living room and Richard's study, where there is a group of men smoking cigars and playing cards in the background.]
RICHARD: Lorelai! How are you?
LORELAI: I'm fine, Dad, how are you?
RICHARD: Oh, don't you worry about me. I am in good hands. Isn't that right, boys?
MAN: Right!
LORELAI: Geez, Dad, hanging out at the bath house again?
RICHARD: I am at my bachelor party, Lorelai, and I just thought I'd call and see how your little gathering was going.
LORELAI: My -
RICHARD: Now, I want you to have a wonderful time, and go as crazy as you think is necessary. But make sure your mother doesn't mix her alcohol. Sometimes when she has a little bit too much vodka, she forgets and she goes on to gin. I need her sober and looking beautiful for tomorrow.
MAN: Otherwise you don't have to go through with it. [They laugh.]
LORELAI: So, Dad, Mom told you we were having a party?
RICHARD: Well, she told me she was heading over to your house this evening to spend a little time with "the girls", so I put it all together. I'm a very brilliant man, Lorelai. Anyhow, I won't keep you any longer. Just return your mother in one piece, sans tattoos, please.
LORELAI: Okay. Will do.
RICHARD: Have a scandalous time. I'll see you girls tomorrow.
[They hang up.]
LORELAI: Okay, so here's a fun twist for your viewing pleasure. My father thinks my mother is here for her bachelorette party.
RORY: What? Why does he think that?
LORELAI: I think she told him that.
RORY: Oops.
LORELAI: Ah, were we supposed to throw her a bachelorette party?
RORY: I don't know. You're the maid of honor. Aren't you supposed to plan these things?
LORELAI: I didn't think you had a bachelorette party when you hadn't been a bachelorette for forty years. Oh my God, she is going to hold this against me for the rest of my life.
RORY: So what do we do?
[Lorelai sighs and looks in the direction of the kitchen.]
LATER - INSIDE LORELAI'S HOUSE
[The doorbell rings. Lorelai answers it. Sookie is standing outside, holding a dish and leaning her head against the doorframe.]
SOOKIE: Davey had just fallen asleep.
LORELAI: I know, I'm sorry. Thank you for coming over at the last minute. Is that -
SOOKIE: Potstickers.
LORELAI: Ah, I love you.
RORY [Walking by, in the hall]: Hi, Sookie!
SOOKIE: Mmhmm.
LORELAI: Go on in the living room.
SOOKIE: Okay. [She starts walking out the door.]
LORELAI [Turning her around]: The other living room.
SOOKIE: Okay.
LORELAI: You're going to have to open your eyes now.
SOOKIE [entering the living room]: Okay.
[Gypsy arrives at the front door.]
GYPSY: Hey, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hey, Gypsy. Thanks for coming on such short notice.
GYPSY: I'm always up for a good party.
LORELAI: Emily is in the living room with the others.
GYPSY: Great. Who's Emily?
LORELAI: Follow me, I'll point her out.
GYPSY: Okie dokie.
[They enter the living room. Emily is laughing on the couch with Patty and Babette, drinking from plastic cups.]
LORELAI: Look, everyone, it's Gypsy!
EMILY [drunk]: Gypsy! Gypsy's here! Everyone, Gypsy's here!
LORELAI: Gypsy, that's Emily.
EMILY: Come on, Gypsy, come over here and sit by me.
GYPSY: Okay.
[Babette moves. Gypsy sits next to Emily.]
EMILY: I have to say, Lorelai, I am loving this drink. Have you ever had one of these, Gypsy?
GYPSY: I don't know.
EMILY: It's called a rum and coke.
BABETTE: You know, you may look high-brow, Emily, but underneath, you're just a broad.
[Rory walks in with a plate of tater tots.]
EMILY: Did you hear that, Gypsy, I'm a broad.
GYPSY: Yeah, I always suspected.
RORY [To Lane and Kyon, sitting quietly]: How's it going?
LANE: Great.
KYON: What are we doing here?
LANE: I tried to explain it to her, but it's not working.
RORY: We are throwing my grandmother a bachelorette party.
KYON: But she is married.
RORY: Yeah, but they're doing it again.
KYON: But why?
RORY: Because they want to tell each other that they love each other all over again.
KYON: But why?
RORY: Because they do.
KYON: But why?
RORY: Because it's fun.
KYON: But why?
RORY: Because - [She looks at Lane.]
LANE: Hey, you lasted one more 'But why' than I did.
PATTY: So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow.
EMILY: It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Ab fab, sweetie darling.
EMILY: Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy?
GYPSY: Please make your mother stop talking to me.
LORELAI: If only I had that power.
EMILY: The party is going to be very, very big. Flowers everywhere, and my dress is incredible. The woman who made it is a genius.
[Lorelai and Rory exchange a look.]
BABETTE: So where's it going to be?
EMILY: The Windsor Club.
SOOKIE: Ooh, fancy.
BABETTE: Well, that ain't no toilet bowl.
EMILY: No, it certainly is not. It is the perfect place to have my perfect wedding. And what I had to go through to get it, let me tell you. [She goes to take a sip of her drink.] Lorelai, the cup's empty!
[Lorelai gets up immediately to refill her drink.]
EMILY: It was booked up two years in advance, and the Sheldrakes had the Rose Room. They were having a retirement party or something like that, [Lorelai pours extra rum in Emily's cup] and they simply refused to let us have the room. They were stubborn, and selfish, and now, after all the strings I pulled, they are across town at the Bluestone Club, with their piped-in music and their p*rn fountains.
[Emily and Patty laugh.]
PATTY:
EMILY: I must say this is the best bachelorette party I ever had.
SOOKIE: I really feel like we should play games or something, or have naughty gifts like edible underwear or dirty-shaped pasta.
LORELAI: Yeah, too bad - oh, oh! [She gets up.] Just a sec.
EMILY: Where is she going? Gypsy, where is she going?
[Gypsy looks uncomfortable.]
LORELAI: Aha!
SOOKIE: What are you doing?
RORY: No way!
SOOKIE: Where did you get that?
LORELAI: You gave it to me.
SOOKIE: Oh, yeah. [She giggles.]
LORELAI [handing Emily the box of pasta]: Mom, for you on your special night.
EMILY [taking it]: What's this? Oh my God! Oh my God!
[She laughs, along with Patty and Gypsy.]
KYON: What are they laughing at?
LANE [picks up a plate]: Have a tater tot, Kyon.
LORELAI'S HOUSE - MUCH, MUCH LATER
[Rory is cleaning up dishes in the living room. Babette is passed out on the chair. Lorelai tiptoes down the stairs.]
LORELAI: My mother is fast asleep in my bed, clutching my Hello Kitty pillow, and yes, I have pictures!
RORY: I cannot believe how much rum Grandma drank tonight.
LORELAI: How much rum she drank? [She opens up a purse.]
RORY: Hey, that's Grandma's bag. [Lorelai pulls out a book.] What are you doing?
LORELAI: I have no idea, I am drunk. [She skips into the kitchen.]
RORY: Hey! Come back here with that. [She follows her mother into the kitchen, looks in her room where Sookie is asleep. She closes the bedroom door.] What are you doing?
LORELAI: There is no way I'm sitting next to Missy Hollargan.
RORY: Stop that, that's Grandma's seating chart! [She goes to the fridge to get Lorelai some water.]
LORELAI: I know, I'm just fine-tuning it. Oh, the Ramsey's divorce must be legal by now. Time for a little reunion.
RORY: You're evil and I'm going to tell.
LORELAI: Well if you tell, then I'm going to tell cousin Drew, aka the Power Spitter, that you like him.
RORY: You're mean.
LORELAI: Hmm. Man, I'll say one thing for my parents, they certainly command a good turnout.
[Rory sees Logan Huntzberger's name on the seating chart. She smiles.]
RORY: Hey, do you think the Sheldrakes will be unhappy at the Bluestone Club?
LORELAI: Oh, I have no idea. However, I do know that Dinky Shaw is going to be sitting next to her ex-husband's daughter from his second marriage. This is the daughter whose conception caused the second marriage. And everybody should bring an extra roll of film.
RORY: Seems mean. Getting them kicked out like that. Seems mean.
LORELAI: Seems Gilmore.
RORY: Mom -
LORELAI: Rory, this is how it works in my parents' world. Trust me, the Sheldrakes are busy screwing someone at the Bluestone out of something as we speak.
RORY: If you say so.
LORELAI: These people live in a universe where they feel entitled to get what they want, when they want it, and they don't care who's in their way. I hate that world. Vapid. Selfish. It's like that Life and Death Brigade you wrote about.
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: You know, like a bunch of selfish rich kids, the children of entitlement, bl*wing off school. Drinking for days. Spending thousands on a stupid and potentially dangerous stunt, knowing full well that they're not going to get in trouble, 'cause Daddy is important. They're all the same.
RORY [Defensive]: They're not all the same. You don't even know them. And that's not what I wrote. I didn't say all those things about them. You're just reading whatever you want to into it.
LORELAI [confused]: Okay, sorry.
RORY: Just because you have money, that doesn't automatically make you a jerk.
LORELAI: I know. I didn't mean it like that. [She sighs] So, new subject?
RORY: Yeah, new subject.
LORELAI: Hey, I wonder if my mother would notice if she and Dad were suddenly at different tables. [Rory gives her a look.] Okay.
LORELAI'S HOUSE - MORNING
LORELAI [Calling downstairs]: Hey, have you seen my Sparkly Venom lip gloss?
RORY [OS]: Yes, I have, it's at school.
LORELAI [OS]: Well, as long as it's safe.
RORY [OS]: Hey, what time is it?
LORELAI [OS]: Ten thirty-five. Rats!
[Someone knocks on the door.]
LORELAI [OS]: Rory, can you get that?
RORY [OS]: I'm not dressed yet!
LORELAI [OS]: You're not? It's ten thirty-five!
RORY [OS]: So?
LORELAI [OS]: Finally, that childish punctuality of yours has worn off.
RORY [OS]: Stop.
LORELAI [OS]: My baby's a woman.
[Luke tentatively opens the door.]
LUKE: Hello?
LORELAI [OS]: Luke?
LUKE: Uh, yeah. The front door was open.
LORELAI [OS]: I'll be right there.
RORY [OS]: Hi, Luke!
LUKE: Hey, Rory. You know your front door was open? It wasn't like that all night, was it?
LORELAI [Coming down the stairs.]: Hey! You look nice!
[They kiss]
LUKE: You're not dressed.
LORELAI: No, I'm getting dressed there.
LUKE: I didn't know you could get dressed there.
LORELAI: Rory, let's motor!
[Rory comes out of her room.]
LUKE: I would have gotten dressed there.
RORY: 'Kay, I'm ready. Hey, you look nice.
LUKE: Yeah, I didn't know you could get dressed there.
LORELAI: Don't worry about it.
LUKE: You didn't mention there was a place to get dressed there.
LORELAI: Oh, we're late. Let's go!
LUKE: Wait, aren't you going to lock up?
LORELAI: Babette, lock up when you leave?
[Babette's head pops up from the other side of the couch.]
BABETTE: You got it, honey! [To Luke] Oh, you look nice.
WINDSOR CLUB
LORELAI: Oh, please let them not be here yet.
RORY: They'll be here.
LORELAI: Well, you tell them you were running late.
RORY: You were running late too.
LUKE: My pants are all wrinkled from the ride.
LORELAI: Do you see them?
RORY: No.
LUKE: It looks like I slept in them.
LORELAI: Hey, stop being such a Nancy-boy about the pants. Think Hemingway ever gave a crap what his pants looked like?
LUKE: Hemingway blew his brains out, also. How much of a role model do you want me to make this guy?
[Emily and Richard walk toward them.]
EMILY: Well, there they are.
RICHARD: Hello, girls.
LUKE: Apparently they're going to change here also.
LORELAI: Sorry, um, Rory had a little emergency.
RORY: So did Mom.
EMILY: I hope everything's all right.
LORELAI: Yes. Just fine. How is everything going?
EMILY: Utter disaster. That moronic wedding planner finally fulfilled her potential. I get here and I go through my seating chart, and it's a mess. It looked like a drunken psychopath took a s*ab at it. I had to re-do the entire thing. It took me two hours and years off my life.
LORELAI: Maybe she just got confused.
EMILY: She did get confused. Confused about what her profession should be. Anyway, I fired her. That should help clarify things for her.
RORY: Third realm of hell, party of one.
LORELAI: Mom, how could you f*re her now? Who's going to run the wedding?
EMILY: Well, luckily Marilyn came into town early for the ceremony, and she offered to help out.
RICHARD: You know that Marilyn was a very intimate friend of Cecil Beaton. He named an end table after her.
LORELAI: Hmm.
EMILY: And on top of all that, even though we managed to get the Sheldrakes out of the Rose Room, the women's club that owns this place has their still life painting class at four today in the Salon, and they refuse to give it up.
LORELAI: Are you using the Salon?
EMILY: Of course we're not using the Salon. What on earth would we use the Salon for? Oh, Luke. You're here.
LUKE: Uh, have been, actually.
EMILY: Richard, did you see Luke?
RICHARD: No. Why, Luke, there you are.
LUKE: Hey, Mr. Gilmore. Best wish- congrat- nice suit.
RICHARD: Thank you, Luke. I can have my tailor steam out those trousers for you.
EMILY [laughing]: Oh, Richard, that's not what he's wearing to the ceremony. I'm sure he's going to change. All right, girls. Let's go get settled.
LORELAI [to Luke]: Are you okay to hang here for a while?
LUKE: I'm sure. I'm fine. You go.
[A woman walks over to them.]
MARILYN: Emily. The florist is here and everything looks fabulous.
EMILY: Really?
MARILYN: No. But it will. [gushing] Lorelai, you look divine. Oh, and Rory. That skin. Gorgeous, I can't find the words. And who is this?
LORELAI: Oh, Marilyn, this is Luke. Luke, this is my cousin Marilyn.
LUKE: Nice to meet you.
MARILYN: You, too. [Pulls Lorelai aside.] Is he a gardener?
LORELAI: Uh, no, he owns a diner.
MARILYN: Oh, I've always wanted to have an affair with a gardener. Apparently that's very 'in' now.
EMILY: Marilyn, we're going to the bridal room now.
MARILYN: And I have gardenias to deal with.
RICHARD: I'll see you in a little while. I'll be the handsome one holding the ring.
EMILY: My favorite kind of man.
[The women go. Richard calls Lorelai back.]
RICHARD: Psst, Lorelai. I need you to do something.
LORELAI: Oh, spy voice. Cool.
RICHARD: Focus, please?
LORELAI: I am a camera.
RICHARD: I want to give your mother a present. But I don't know what her dress looks like. So, I need you to take these [He pulls out two necklaces], wait till she's not looking, hold them up to the dress, pick the one that looks best, bring it back to me and I will give it to her. Got it?
LORELAI: Got it.
RICHARD: Go.
[She goes. Richard looks at Luke, who is fidgeting with his pants. He walks away.]
BRIDAL ROOM
[Lorelai walks in with her hands behind her back. She pulls out the necklaces.]
LORELAI: Which one do you want?
EMILY [points]: That one, the other for my birthday.
RORY [gasps]: Look at that, it's so fancy.
EMILY: Your grandfather has perfect taste in necklaces and earrings. It's very important to find a man who can pick out your jewelry.
LORELAI [whispers to Rory]: Or steal it.
[Lorelai heads for the door.]
EMILY: Where are you going?
LORELAI: Uh, to give Dad back the necklaces.
EMILY: Hang your dress up first.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: I'm going to go change.
LORELAI: Great. Come back as Thora Birch.
EMILY [sits down at the vanity]: Oh, Lord, look at that. Pierre has his work cut out for him today.
LORELAI: Stop it, Mom, you look gorgeous.
EMILY: Lorelai, why am I doing this?
[In reply, Lorelai holds up the necklace.]
EMILY: Oh, yes. It is pretty, isn't it?
LORELAI: It's pretty frickin' awesome is what it is.
EMILY: Oh my God, I'm so nervous, I haven't eaten a thing all day.
LORELAI: Do you want me to whip up a little pasta for you, Mom?
EMILY: Stop that. Maybe I should take a Seconal.
LORELAI: Excellent idea, Judy. All right, my dress is hung.
EMILY: Make sure you hurry back. Lisette will be here to do your hair any minute.
LORELAI: My hair is already done.
EMILY: Don't worry. She can fix it.
[Lorelai gives her a look.]
EMILY: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm just so nervous, I can't think.
LORELAI: Why are you nervous?
EMILY: I'm getting married!
LORELAI: For the second time. Mom, it's a pretend wedding. J.Lo has them all the time!
EMILY: Well, it certainly feels like a real wedding. After all, we've been separated for months. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to have a man around the house. Oh, God, I missed him. It's a wonderful thing to have a husband, a partner, somebody who's always there. Oh, Lorelai, don't you think you'll ever want to be married?
LORELAI: Well, um - [smiles] actually, I do.
EMILY [shocked]: Well, that's nice.
RORY [coming out of the dressing room in her 'tux']: Best man in the house!
EMILY: Oh, my goodness, Rory, you absolutely look adorable!
LORELAI: Say, aren't you the culture q*eer Eye guy?
EMILY: Ignore her, you look dashing.
LORELAI: Yeah, now go buy me some earrings.
RORY: I like it.
LORELAI: Hey, it's not fair that she gets to dress like that.
EMILY: Your dress is beautiful.
LORELAI: Yeah, but she gets to wear, like, a costume. Can't I dress like your maid? It'll be whimsical and I can wear flats.
EMILY: Go give the necklaces back to your father.
LORELAI: You so like her better.
[Lorelai leaves.]
MAIN ROOM - CEREMONY
[A string quartet plays as the congregation waits for the ceremony to begin.]
MARILYN: So, tell me, Luke, have you ever considered being a gardener?
LUKE: Uh, I'm not much good at growing things.
MARILYN: Oh, Luke. That's the least important part of being a gardener.
[The judge, Richard and Rory enter from a side door and take their places at the front. The congregation turns around to watch for the women to come from the back. Lorelai walks down the stairs and down the aisle, winking at Luke before she takes her place. Rory notices Logan, and smiles happily. The congregation rises to welcome Emily, who smiles as she takes Richard's hand at the front.]
JUDGE: May you all be seated, please. [They sit. As the judge talks, Rory notices the girl next to Logan lean over and whisper in his ear. Logan laughs. She appears jealous.] I have known Richard and Emily Gilmore for twenty years now. I know them to be two of the most formidable opponents the world has ever seen. They complement each other. They defend each other. They were made for each other. And today, in front of friends and family, Richard and Emily have chosen once again to say to each other, "I choose you". [Luke and Lorelai smile at each other.] How many of us in a lifetime even get chosen once for something we really want? [Christopher enters late and sits down, trying not to draw attention.] Richard and Emily, will you please face each other. Please repeat after me. I, Richard Gilmore.
RICHARD: I, Richard Gilmore…
[Fade to black.]
RECEPTION HALL
[Lorelai and Luke enter with Rory. Joyous music and laughter can be heard.]
LORELAI: And over here we have the Romanov table.
LUKE: Wow. Look at those flower arrangements. This thing must've cost a fortune! They're real orchids.
LORELAI: A little gayer, please.
LUKE: I'm just saying.
MARILYN: Oh, wasn't the ceremony perfect? The candles and that judge. I should have married him. I was such a snob, I wouldn't have a civil servant. [To Luke] You're saving a dance for me. [She leaves.]
LUKE: Oh my God, there's dancing?
LORELAI: Yeah. We're doing the one from Pulp Fiction. Do you want to be Uma, or should I?
RORY: I'll meet you guys at our table later.
LORELAI: Table five, hon.
[Rory goes.]
LORELAI: Aw, man. I've already seen ten people I hate, twenty people I know whose names I can't remember, and forty people I don't know but who will expect me to know them anyhow.
LUKE: A bar. Thank God. [They go over to the bar.]
LORELAI: Hey, I need you to run major introduction interference for me.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Well, you have the advantage. No one knows you here, you can't insult them by forgetting their names. [To the bartender] Vodka tonic.
LUKE: And a beer.
LORELAI: Someone comes up, I'll take a drink. My mouth will be full, I can't talk. How would that look, right? Then you jump in, offer your hand. [In a deep, "man" voice] ‘Hi, Luke Danes. And you are?' ‘I'm Mr. Blockenfeffer.' By then I will have swallowed. ‘Oh hi, Mr. Blockenfeffer, I'm Lorelai, remember me?' ‘The bane of your mother's existence?' ‘Exactly. Nice to see you again.' ‘Nice to see you again. And nice to meet you, Luke.' ‘Nice to meet you, Mr. Blockenfeffer.' ‘You kids have a lovely evening.' ‘No, you have a lovely evening. Our love to Mrs. Blockenfeffer.' Oh, look.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: My Aunt Totsy. Mmm. Lovely woman. She hugs you, you smell like her for a month.
LUKE: Yep. [To the bartender] Keep these coming.
LORELAI: Thanks.
[Rory is standing in the middle of the room, looking around. She sees Logan getting a drink at the bar, and follows him discreetly to his table. She hides behind a man and peeks around him to get a better view of Logan and the blonde girl he is with.]
MAN: Actually, it's not that difficult at all. You just start with the siblings and count down even generations. The children of siblings are first cousins, the grandchildren of siblings are second cousins and so on. That makes you and Ceci third cousins, because Mee-maw and your great-great aunt Mary were sisters. See? Now, if the generations aren't even, that's where you indicate with ‘removed'. For example, you're Trip's second cousin, but Trip's daughter is your second cousin, once removed. So if Ceci ever has grandchildren, you'll be third cousins twice removed, whereas they will be my second cousins thrice removed, and my great-grandchildren's fifth cousins. See, it's not
[Rory wanders away. Lorelai and Luke are talking to a couple.]
BRUCE: I'm Bruce McAllister, and this is my wife, Susan.
LUKE: Well, it's very nice to meet you, Bruce, and Susan.
LORELAI [swallowing]: Hi, Bruce, remember me? Lorelai?
BRUCE: Yes, it's nice to see you again.
SUSAN: Well, we should find our table. We'll talk to you later?
LUKE: Okay. ‘Bye, Bruce. [They shake hands.]
LORELAI: ‘Bye, Susan. [They walk away.] That's what I'm talking about. [They look around.] Mmm. Whoops, Marilyn's getting Totsied. [She forces Luke to turn around to avoid someone.] Oh! How are you doing? You having a good time?
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: Um, I have to tell you something.
LUKE: Are you okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, um, [whispers] Christopher's here.
LUKE: Oh, well, I guess he knows your parents, so ¯
LORELAI: Yeah, but, um, so Christopher's father died a couple weeks ago, and, um, he took it pretty hard. He had a terrible relationship with the man. [She looks over at Chris.] I went over there one night. The night before the re-enactment. Um, I brought tequila and we talked and drank, just two old friends hanging out. That's all.
LUKE: You went over there?
LORELAI: To comfort him. I know I should have told you about it, I just didn't because I didn't want you to read anything into it, or think anything weird, and I'm only telling you now because he's here and it might come up, and I don't want you to feel shanghaied.
LUKE [glaring]: Yeah, that would be bad.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, Luke. Nothing happened. Please believe me.
[Christopher joins them.]
CHRIS: Hey, Lor.
LORELAI: Hi, Chris. You know Luke.
CHRIS: Uh, no, not really. I'm Christopher.
LUKE: Yeah. Heard a lot about you.
CHRIS: You, too. The coffee is legendary.
LORELAI: Luke and I are dating.
CHRIS: That's great.
LORELAI: Have been for, what, four months now? Man, time, it flies when you're having fun, huh? Big fun. Nothing sexual intended, although ¯
LUKE: Sorry about your dad.
CHRIS: Yeah. Thanks.
LORELAI: I told him about your dad, and the tequila.
CHRIS: Oh, yeah. It was rough, Lorelai helped me a lot, just being there.
LUKE: She's a very considerate person.
LORELAI: Hey, who likes my dress? ‘Cause, man, you should have seen the one my mother wanted me to wear.
LUKE: You're cutting off my circulation.
LORELAI [Letting go of his arm]: I'm sorry.
CHRIS: Hey, so where's that kid of ours?
LORELAI: Uh ¯
EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you for the first time, this century, Mr. and Mrs. Richard Gilmore.
[Everyone claps.]
LORELAI: Well, we should take our seats, now, see you later, Chris.
CHRIS: We'll have a drink.
LORELAI: Be great.
[Chris watches Lorelai and Luke head to their table and Emily and Richard make their entrance.]
LORELAI: Something wrong?
RORY: Coffee sucks.
[Richard takes the microphone. Emily takes a seat facing him.]
RICHARD: Thank you. [clears his throat.] On behalf of myself and my second wife, Emily, I would like to thank you all for coming here to help us celebrate. You are good friends, and we are very, very lucky. Now, in planning our traditional first dance, I gave a lot of thought to the song that would represent the next phase in our marriage. The best phase in our marriage, I believe. [Emily blows him a kiss.] I went over all the greats ¯ Bennett, Sinatra, Chuck Berry ¯ and a story popped into my head. Now, most of you know my daughter, Lorelai. When Lorelai was three, she went through a period of having chronic ear infections. It was terrible. Screaming all night long, we couldn't keep a nanny longer than a week.
LORELAI [to Luke]: Yeah, that was the terrible part. The searing pain was just a side note.
RICHARD: And so, it fell to Emily to sit with her all night long. She tried everything to calm her down. Finally, she found a song that seemed to soothe her. It was a popular song on the radio and it soon became Emily's favorite. Of course, it drove me crazy ¯ some woman complaining about how she wanted to marry a man named Bill. Not exactly Cole Porter. Emily would tease me, saying, ‘If only your name was Bill, then this could be our song.' Well, Emily, for tonight, and tonight only, my name is Bill, and this is our song. h*t the button, Johnny. [He pulls her to her feet.] Your hand, madam.
EMILY: I cannot believe you remembered this song.
[Richard and Emily dance. Chris stares over at Lorelai and Luke, and orders another drink. Rory stares at Logan and the blonde.]
Bill, I love you so, I always will
I look at you and see the passion eyes of May
Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day? (Wedding day)
I was on your side, Bill, when you were losing
I'd never scheme or lie, Bill, there's been no fooling
But kisses and love won't carry me till you marry me, Bill
EMILY: We should separate more often.
RICHARD: Oh, bite your tongue.
I love you so, I always will.
And in your voice I hear a choir of carousels
EMCEE: At this time, if you're in love, I invite you to join Emily and Richard on the dance floor.
Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day?
LORELAI: You wanna dance?
LUKE: No, thanks.
LORELAI [serious]: Please? I promise I will dance just as spazzy as you will.
LUKE: I do not dance spazzy.
LORELAI: Then I will be the only spaz on the floor. Please?
LUKE: I do not dance spazzy.
LORELAI [smiles]: Thank you.
[They get up. Christopher glares after them.]
But kisses and love won't carry me
Till you marry me, Bill
I love you so, I always will
And though devotion rules my heart I take no bows
But Bill, you know I wanna take those wedding vows
Come on, Bill, Oh, come on, Bill
[Rory sees Christopher get up and leave. She follows him.]
SALON
[The still life painting class is meeting.]
RORY: Want some company?
CHRIS: Hey, kiddo. Have a seat.
RORY: Quite a party, huh?
CHRIS: I would expect nothing less from your grandparents.
RORY: Pretty flowers.
CHRIS: Yes. Not at all fake.
RORY: Like my suit?
CHRIS: I do. It's very Bugsy Malone.
RORY: So how you doing?
CHRIS: Me? Oh, I'm fine. Just ¯ [pause] Did your mother ever tell you about our first kiss?
RORY: No.
CHRIS: We were fourteen. It was after school in the parking lot of the AM/PM. She just walked right up and kissed me.
RORY: Really?
CHRIS: Yep. Said she just wanted to know what it would be like.
RORY: I hope you at least bought her a Moonpie.
CHRIS: You know, it never would've crossed my mind to do something like that. Just walk up and kiss someone, ‘cause you wanted to. But Lorelai ¯ she always knew what she wanted. And she'd go out and get it.
RORY: She never told me that story.
CHRIS: No. Probably wanted to make me seem more manly.
RORY [smiles]: Did you ¯
CHRIS: Did I what?
RORY: Did you like it that she kissed you first?
CHRIS: Who could not like being kissed by a Gilmore girl? It was the greatest day of my life. [Rory looks thoughtful. He finishes his drink.] I'm going to get a refill, can I get you something?
RORY: No. I'm fine.
CHRIS: Okay, well, I'll see you back in the center ring.
RORY: Okay.
[Chris goes. Rory sits for a minute longer.]
RECEPTION HALL
[Lorelai and Luke are dancing.]
LUKE: Okay, there's a touch of spazzy in there. Can we stop dancing now?
LORELAI: We can. Uh, but Marilyn is standing right behind you and if we swap she's going to swoop in, there's nothing I can do to save you.
LUKE: Well, funny how Marilyn's been standing right behind me where I can't see her for the last two songs.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know. That woman is spooky.
LUKE: This wouldn't be some underhanded ploy of yours to keep me dancing, would it?
LORELAI: Why, Luke Danes, I am appalled at the insinuation. I should walk off this dance floor right now and leave you to your fate. But I'm much too sweet a person to do that.
LUKE: Uh-huh.
[The song ends and a slower one starts.]
LUKE: Much better. Lowers the spaz quotient.
[Rory walks purposefully across the dance floor, straight to Logan's table.]
LOGAN: I like the suit, Kashmir.
RORY: I didn't know you were going to be here.
LOGAN: Really? I thought you put my name on the list.
RORY: No.
LOGAN: Oh, well, it must be your grandparents invited me. My parents are around here somewhere.
RORY: Oh, so you came with your parents?
LOGAN: Yup.
RORY: And ¯
LOGAN: And, what?
RORY: Where's the blonde?
LOGAN: She's at the bar.
RORY: Oh, yeah, she's pretty.
LOGAN: Yeah? You want me to hook you up?
RORY: No, I was just saying ¯
LOGAN: What are you just saying?
RORY: That she's pretty. That you brought a pretty girl. She's pretty, and the two of you are pretty together. In case you were wondering.
LOGAN: Jewel's a friend of the family, I've known here forever. She's visiting her parents in town, and she had nothing to do, so she asked to tag along. We're not dating.
RORY: Do you want to dance?
LOGAN [gets up]: After you.
[They walk past Luke and Lorelai.]
LUKE: What's that?
LORELAI: Ugh, Totsy alert! Move, move!
[They rush off the floor. Rory and Logan look at each other while dancing.]
LOGAN: What?
RORY: Why did you come?
LOGAN: Open bar.
RORY: Quite a draw for a guy with an American Express black card.
LOGAN: Live band, salad, butter pats ¯
RORY: Logan ¯
LOGAN: Little knit bags full of those Jordan almonds ¯
RORY: Are you ever going to ask me out? [No answer.] You flirt with me. You act like you like me a little. You show up here, with a friend, not a date. I mean, aren't you? Ever? [Pause.] You do like me, right? [Logan smiles.] Oh. Okay. Uh, no problem. [She tries to pull away; he doesn't let her.] I'll just, um, let you go back to your table, and I'll just start burrowing directly into the ground.
LOGAN: Rory.
RORY: I should be in China by midnight.
LOGAN: Rory.
RORY: You called me Rory.
LOGAN: I want to be clear.
RORY: Oh, good.
LOGAN: I have thought about asking you out, several times. I just don't think it's such a good idea.
RORY: Why not?
LOGAN: Because you're special.
RORY: Special, like ‘Stop eating the paste', special?
LOGAN: You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are incredibly interesting. You're definitely girlfriend material. I, however, am definitely not boyfriend material. I can't do commitment, and I don't want to pretend to you that I can. If I were to date you, there would be no dating. It would be something, right away, and I'm not that guy.
RORY: But' I'm not looking for anything something like.
LOGAN: Rory.
RORY: I'm not. I've done that. As a matter of fact, I just did that, and that's not what I want.
LOGAN: I'm not saying you want that right now.
RORY: No, I don't want that at all. No, I'm not expecting anything. I'm just I like you, and I want to spend some time with you. No strings attached.
LOGAN: No strings attached, huh.
RORY: Hey, girls just wanna have fun. Stringless fun.
LOGAN: You may feel like that now, but ¯
RORY: I do feel like that now.
LOGAN: Okay, but ¯
[Rory grabs his hand and pulls him off the dance floor.]
LOGAN: Where are we going?
RORY: How should I know? What, do you think I have a plan or something? Geez. [She grabs a bottle of champagne from the bar.] Live in the moment, Huntzberger. [She walks toward the exit, then looks back at him.] Coming?
[Logan looks around, then follows her.]
BRIDAL ROOM
[Rory enters, followed by Logan. She closes the door.]
RORY: Champagne?
[Logan takes a sip and gives the bottle back. Rory drinks.]
LOGAN: Look, are you sure you want to do this?
RORY: I just want to know what it would be like.
[She kisses him. Logan looks her up and down.]
LOGAN: I feel like I'm kissing a guy.
[Rory rolls her eyes and kisses him again.]
LOGAN: And apparently I had no idea what I was missing.
[They kiss again.]
RECEPTION HALL
[Guests are clinking their glasses. Emily laughs, and she and Richard kiss. Lorelai returns to their table with drinks.]
LORELAI: Here you go. Oh, no. You've been Totsied.
LUKE: Well, you left me alone.
LORELAI: I warned you about her.
LUKE: I turn around, she's headed right for me, what am I supposed to do?
LORELAI: Ugh, man.
LUKE: It's not that bad.
LORELAI: Yeah, of course not.
[Christopher joins them.]
CHRIS: Thought I'd come by for that drink. Man, you've been Totsied! [He snickers.] Didn't you warn him?
LORELAI: I tried. Moves slow.
CHRIS: Don't worry about it, man, we've all been there. Lorelai and I went to a funeral, we got Totsied twice! You remember?
LORELAI: Um, no.
CHRIS: No? Come on, it was raining. You were wearing your ‘Hell is for children' t-shirt, your mom flipped because we snuck that flask in?
LORELAI: Huh, sorry, no memory at all. [To Luke] You want to dance?
CHRIS: Dance? Get second-hand Totsied, Lor. You know you should burn that suit when you get home. Hey, how's the Inn? [To Luke] You know, we had lunch at the Inn last month.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: The Inn is fine. Everything is fine.
MARILYN: Honey, so sorry to interrupt. Your parents want a picture of just the wedding party in front of the cake before they cut it.
LORELAI: Okay, I'll just, uh, go find Rory.
MARILYN: I think I saw her heading off that way with that darling blonde boy. I've forgiven her for not noticing that I was chatting with him earlier.
LORELAI: Really, well, I'll go get Rory and meet you back at the cake.
LUKE: I'll go with you.
[Chris tosses back the rest of his drink and follows.]
HALLWAY
[Lorelai looks for Rory. Luke is right behind her.]
LUKE: Listen, uh, I think we need to talk.
LORELAI: I know, I know. We will. I just ¯ let me try to find ¯
[She opens the door to the bridal dressing room. Rory and Logan pull apart.]
LORELAI: Hm. Grandma wants a picture.
RORY: Of this?
LORELAI: Rory, what are you doing?
RORY: Mom ¯
LORELAI: You're at your grandparents' wedding! Renewal ¯ vowal ¯ thing. Whatever. They're right out there. God, Rory, I swear!
CHRIS: Rory? Rory's in here?
LORELAI: Okay, don't, Chris, it's all right.
CHRIS: What the hell are you doing in here with my daughter?
LOGAN: I ¯
CHRIS: Get away from her. That is my daughter! I will kick your ass! I will kick your ass, you little weasel!
[Lorelai pushes him out of the room.]
LORELAI: Get out!
LUKE: What the hell is going on?
CHRIS: Who's that guy, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Christopher, calm down! You're drunk!
CHRIS: Calm down? There's a guy in there pawing my daughter!
LUKE: What guy? There's a guy in there with Rory?
[He barges into the room. Logan and Rory are collecting their things.]
LORELAI: Oh, my God, Luke!
LUKE: Hey! Get your hands off her. I mean it. Right now! Hands in the air, I want to see hands in the air!
LORELAI: Out!
[She slams the door and smiles at Logan and Rory.]
LORELAI: I think you guys better use the back way out of here.
RORY: But, Dad ¯ Luke ¯
LORELAI: I will take care of Dad and Luke. Please go, now, go! [Rory goes, Logan hesitates.] So, um, you must be Logan.
LOGAN: Uh, yeah.
LORELAI: I'm Lorelai.
LOGAN: Nice to meet you. Okay, well, I'd better ¯
LORELAI: Yeah.
[He leaves, she opens the door.]
CHRIS: It's none of your business what's going on with Rory.
LUKE: It sure the hell is my business.
LORELAI: Oh, guys, please!
CHRIS: Rory is my daughter. Mine.
LUKE: Oh, really? Well then, where the hell were you when she got the chicken pox and would only eat mashed potatoes for a week, or where were you when she graduated high school, or started college? Huh? Who the hell moved her mattress into her dorm, and out of her dorm and back into her dorm again?
LORELAI: Luke, please. This is not the time.
CHRIS: Where I was doesn't concern you. Rory is my daughter, and Lorelai's daughter, and that's it.
LUKE: Well, I'm with Lorelai!
CHRIS: For now!
LUKE: What does that mean, for now? What is that, a thr*at?
CHRIS: Lorelai and I belong together. Everyone knows it! I know it, Emily knows it!
LUKE: What?
CHRIS: Look, I blew it, okay? I know that I blew it. [To Lorelai] You waited, and I didn't come through, and now you're with him. But it's not too late!
LORELAI: Chris, don't.
CHRIS: It's not too late. I know it's not too late. Emily told me it wasn't too late! [Luke glares at Lorelai. She looks guilty.] I mean, that's why I'm here, okay? I know you're with him. But it's for now, it's not forever. It's just for now. I know that.
LORELAI: Luke, I don't know what he's talking about!
LUKE: I got to get out of here.
LORELAI: Oh, Luke, wait ¯
CHRIS: Please, just, just ¯
LORELAI: Christopher, get out of my way!
[She chases after Luke.]
RECEPTION HALL
[Lorelai is looking for Luke. Christopher is chasing after her.]
CHRIS: Will you stop?
LORELAI: Get away from me, Christopher.
CHRIS: I just want to talk.
LORELAI: Get some coffee, Christopher!
CHRIS: This wasn't the way I wanted it to go down. I wanted to get you alone and ¯ what are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm going after Luke!
MARILYN: Oh, there you are! [Calling to Emily] I've got her! [She pulls Lorelai toward the cake.] Oh, you cannot keep a room full of Anglo-Saxons waiting for cake this long! They start to form more clubs. [To the photographer] Take her, take her, take her!
PHOTOGRAPHER: All right, wonderful. There we are. [The four of them are lined up ¯ Rory, Richard, Emily and Lorelai.] Okay. Everyone, in just a little closer. That's perfect, hold that.
LORELAI [leaning into to whisper in Emily's ear]: You and me, we're done.
PHOTOGRAPHER: One, two, three.
[Emily is shocked, and turns to look at Lorelai as the camera flashes.]
_______________END________________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x13 - Wedding Bell Blues"} | foreverdreaming |
[Episode begins with scenes from previous episodes. The montage ends with the final scene from Wedding Bell Blues, running into our opening scene.]
RECEPTION HALL
[Lorelai is looking for Luke. Christopher is chasing after her.]
CHRIS: Will you stop?
LORELAI: Get away from me, Christopher.
CHRIS: I just want to talk.
LORELAI: Get some coffee, Christopher!
CHRIS: This wasn't the way I wanted it to go down. I wanted to get you alone and – what are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm going after Luke!
MARILYN: Oh, there you are! [Calling to Emily] I've got her! [She pulls Lorelai toward the cake.] Oh, you cannot keep a room full of Anglo-Saxons waiting for cake this long! They start to form more clubs. [To the photographer] Take her, take her, take her!
PHOTOGRAPHER: All right, wonderful. There we are. [The four of them are lined up – Rory, Richard, Emily and Lorelai.] Okay. Everyone, in just a little closer. That's perfect, hold that.
LORELAI [leaning into to whisper in Emily's ear]: You and me, we're done.
PHOTOGRAPHER: One, two, three.
[The camera flashes. Lorelai grabs her purse and coat and gets ready to leave.]
RORY: Are you leaving?
LORELAI: Party's over. It is so over.
RORY: Are you okay?
LORELAI: Yeah. I'm fine. It's just time to go.
RORY: Are we okay? I mean, that wasn't exactly my proudest moment.
LORELAI: Aw, honey. You're the daughter of a woman who has had no end of less than proud moments. Don't worry.
RORY: Luke was so mad.
LORELAI: That's because to Luke you're still ten years old wearing feathered angel's wings going door-to-door inviting people to a caterpillar's funeral.
RORY: Oh, now, I did that once.
LORELAI: Luke is fine.
RORY: I hope so.
LORELAI: Look, go back in. Catch up with Logan. Tell him everything is fine.
RORY: He went right to his car, he split.
LORELAI: I don't blame the boy.
RORY: And what's with you and Grandma?
LORELAI: All these questions!
RORY: Sorry.
LORELAI: Look. Go back in, huh? Make the best of things. Luke is just, um, bringing the car around. I'll talk to you later.
RORY: Are you sure we're good?
LORELAI: Always.
RORY: 'Kay. Bye, Mom.
LORELAI: Bye, mister. [Rory goes back in. To attendant] Oh, excuse me. I'm going to need a cab, please?
ATTENDANT: Yes, ma'am.
PHOTOGRAPHER [rushing forward]: There you are. I'd love to get a few more sh*ts in.
LORELAI: Yeah, so would I. [She leaves.]
OPENING CREDITS
STARS HOLLOW - STREET OUTSIDE LUKE'S
[Lorelai pulls up in a cab. Some funky music is coming from the diner. She walks up to the door and knocks. She can see Caesar eating at the counter. He comes to let her in.]
LORELAI: Hi.
CAESAR: I was just on my break.
LORELAI: Oh, that's no problem. Caesar, listen -
CAESAR: I clocked out too, so it should say so on my time card.
LORELAI: Right.
CAESAR: Although the ink is kinda weak and faded. It's really hard to see.
LORELAI: That's fine. Great. Caesar, is Luke back yet?
CAESAR: Didn't you guys go somewhere tonight?
LORELAI: Yeah.
CAESAR: Did you get separated or something?
LORELAI: Something like that. So have you seen him?
CAESAR: Not unless I fell asleep. And I never fall asleep.
LORELAI: Well, so if you didn't fall asleep you know for a fact he's not back.
CAESAR: Right. So you didn't come back together, huh?
LORELAI: Long story. Getting kinda late, so -
CAESAR: If I see him, should I tell him to call you?
LORELAI: Yes, please.
CAESAR: Okay. And, if you talk to him, could you maybe not mention the radio, or eating the pie? He hates when I eat out of the pie plate.
LORELAI: You were eating out of the pie plate?
CAESAR [hesitates]: No. No.
LORELAI: Well, thanks, Caesar. See ya.
CAESAR: I've got lots of work to do, and I'm hankering to get to it.
LORELAI: Okay. Bye.
[Caesar goes back into the diner. Lorelai turns to head down the street.]
BABETTE: Lorelai! Hey!
LORELAI: Hi! Babette! Hey, Morey.
MOREY: Hey, Lorelai.
BABETTE: Look at you all dolled up and walking the street. I'm not calling you a hooker or nothing.
LORELAI: Well, thank you. Hey, um, did you guys pass Luke, or see his truck any time tonight?
MOREY: Uh-oh.
BABETTE: You're not with Luke?
LORELAI: Not at the moment.
BABETTE: Uh-oh.
LORELAI: What?
BABETTE: Didn't you go to your parents' wedding thing tonight?
LORELAI: Yes.
MOREY: Uh-oh.
LORELAI: What?
BABETTE: You didn't come back together?
LORELAI: Well, of course we did. We're just not together at the moment.
BABETTE and MOREY: Uh-oh.
LORELAI: Would you guys stop doing that?
BABETTE: Everything's all right between the two of you, isn't it?
LORELAI: Of course it is.
BABETTE: I hope so.
MOREY: Otherwise Taylor would go crazy.
BABETTE: He's got all these contingency plans, remember, in case you guys split? He's worried what it would do to the town. Big a**l creep.
LORELAI: Well, there's no splitting happening here. Everything's fine.
MOREY: Good.
BABETTE: Well, we'd better be going. Take care, doll.
LORELAI: Talk to you guys later. Bye. [They walk away. She takes out her cell phone and dials a number.] Luke, it's, uh, me. Again. Uh, well, another very exciting night comes to a close, huh? Um, I don't think you're home, so I'm going home. Um, I'll leave my cell phone on, or call me at home. Anytime you want. 'Kay. Bye. Er - just please, call me, okay? 'Bye. [She hangs up, and looks back into the diner. Caesar is dancing to the radio.]
YALE - RORY'S DORM
[Rory enters and turns on the light. She checks the message board, then flips through some papers by the phone.]
RORY: Paris!
[She opens Paris' bedroom door.]
RORY: Paris. Paris!
PARIS [asleep]: Wha?
RORY: Are you asleep?
PARIS [mumbles]: Don't turn the light on. [Rory turns the light on.] Aah! I said don't turn the light on!
RORY: I didn't hear the ‘don't'.
PARIS: Why do you think I would tell you to turn on the light when I'm d*ad asleep?
RORY: I didn't know you were d*ad asleep.
PARIS: The room is dark. I'm under the covers and completely immobile. Deduce, Sherlock.
RORY: Well, you're awake now. Can I ask you a question?
PARIS: Bite me.
RORY: Were there any messages for me?
PARIS: Yes. Four other people called and asked that you bite me.
RORY [sighs]: Look, I'm serious here. Come on, Paris. It is especially important tonight that, if there was a message for me, that that message gets to me.
PARIS: If there was a message, I would have left it on the message board.
RORY: The board is blank. And you are not the most reliable message leaver.
PARIS: No messages.
RORY: Okay. I don't mean to insult you, but are you maybe telling me there's no message because you're mad that I woke you and there really was a message?
PARIS [sits up]: Oh, my God, you're annoying tonight! [She notices Rory's suit.] What's with being all k.d.lang?
RORY: It was for my grandparents' vow renewal. I was the best man.
PARIS: Is that kinky or something?
RORY: It was a cute thing.
PARIS: So, who's the boy?
RORY: What boy?
PARIS: The boy you're dying to get a message from. I assume it's a boy.
RORY: Not necessarily.
PARIS: Well, no one called, left a note, smoke signaled, Morse coded, semaphore flagged or came by. Male, female or hermaphrodite. [She flops back into her bed.]
RORY: Okay, thanks.
PARIS [getting up]: I'm wide awake. It's your fault. You owe me Boggle.
RORY: Paris -
PARIS: Boggle!
RORY: One game and then it's back to bed!
STARS HOLLOW - STREET
[Lorelai walks along. She stops to stare at Kirk playing a dancing game in the video arcade. Kirk finishes his dance and wipes his face with a towel.]
KIRK: Hey, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Kirk, you're dripping wet.
KIRK: Sweat is the curse of the b-boy. Mos Def. So, are you feeling better?
LORELAI: Yeah. I'm feeling fine, why?
KIRK: Luke told me you weren't feeling well.
LORELAI: Luke? You've seen Luke?
KIRK: He came into the movie theater. I'm on my break, so I figured I'd come down and bust a sweet move.
LORELAI: When, when?
KIRK: Oh, about a half hour ago. [He hands her the towel.] I asked about you and he said you weren't feeling well. Then he rejected my 'buy two Junior Mints, get a free hunk of onion beef jerky' offer with a disgusting profanity, then took a seat.
LORELAI: So, he's there now?
KIRK: Probably. Nothing's up with you two, is there? I mean, you seem just fine.
LORELAI: No, nothing. Nothing's wrong at all.
KIRK: Uh-oh.
LORELAI: Kirk, we have not broken up.
KIRK: Well, why are you guys dressed up but not together? Luke's in a suit, which seems awfully formal for a movie theater that recycles its popcorn -
LORELAI: Oh, well, we had a fancy event to go to, um, then I got the sniffles, and so Luke decided to see a movie, but now I'm feeling better, so I came looking for him.
KIRK: I hope that's true, 'cause Taylor would go nuts if you two broke up.
LORELAI: Well, that is not the case, so there's nothing to worry about. Do you think he's still there?
KIRK: The movie just started when I left.
LORELAI: Great. Thanks a lot, Kirk. So I can go in without paying?
KIRK: No!
LORELAI: Thank you. [She hurries away.]
KIRK: My towel!
[He fans his face with his hands, then heads back into the arcade.]
BLACK, WHITE AND READ MOVIE THEATER
[Lorelai sneaks in. The movie is playing. Luke is sitting alone on the 'Big Red' couch. Lorelai joins him. He sighs.]
LORELAI: What are you watching?
LUKE: Something stupid.
[They watch the movie for a minute.]
LORELAI: Man. They sure talked fast in these things.
LUKE: Yep, they, uh, they did. Fast.
LORELAI: I have been frantically trying to call your cell phone.
LUKE: I turned it off.
LORELAI: That's what I figured. [Pause] So do you want to hear my explanations, 'cause I've got 'em. Explanations, perspective, apologies, I've got 'em all, and I'm dying to share them with you.
LUKE: I just need some time.
LORELAI: Time -
LUKE: A little time, to think.
LORELAI: And to process.
LUKE [nodding]: Right.
LORELAI: I get that. I get that. I just have so much I want to say to you.
LUKE: Not right now. I need to clear my head.
LORELAI: You'll call me when you're ready?
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Okay. Good. Okay. So, I should - [She gestures toward the door and gets up. Luke ignores her. She stops to look at him before she leaves.]
DRAGONFLY INN - LOBBY
[Lorelai is showing a guest around.]
LORELAI: - Figure as your little girls arrive, we'll have them here in the living room. We'll have the pocket doors to the dining room closed. Then, when it's time for breakfast, we'll open the doors, and voila, the full, beautiful effect.
WOMAN: Wonderful.
LORELAI: We'll have music with a nice little fanfare. You like Yanni?
WOMAN: Hate him with every fiber of my being.
LORELAI: Oh, good, we're in perfect sync. And then, we'll have small-scale tables set with china, a silver tea service, little plates, little cups, and twelve little chairs for all of them to sit on.
WOMAN: That's so cute.
LORELAI: Yeah.
MICHEL: Wait, twelve? I thought there were six. Six little girls.
LORELAI: Six girls and their six dolls.
MICHEL: I beg your pardon?
LORELAI: This is a pancake breakfast for the girls and their dolls.
MICHEL: Get out of town.
LORELAI: I thought you knew that.
MICHEL: Dolls, as in they don't have stomachs, lungs or spleens? And we are serving them breakfast?
LORELAI: That's right.
MICHEL: Teeth? Throat? Colons? They don't have these things either? Unless they are Brides of Chucky.
LORELAI: I'm not paying attention to you anymore. [To the woman.] All right, well, I'll order everything, and all you have to do is show up.
WOMAN: The girls are looking forward to this. So are the dolls!
LORELAI: Aw, love that.
WOMAN: 'Bye.
LORELAI: Okay, bye.
MICHEL [watching her leave]: Is she psychotic?
LORELAI: Shh.
[They head into the kitchen.]
DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN
[Lorelai and Michel enter. Sookie is preparing stuffed peppers.]
LORELAI: It's silly fun, Michel, girls love dolls. Chill.
SOOKIE: I'm making little pancakes for the dolls, and I found these little forks they can use.
MICHEL: They do not have opposable thumbs!
SOOKIE: Who, the girls? Oh, this is a handicapped group! Poor things.
MICHEL: No, the dolls.
SOOKIE: The dolls? How can a doll be handicapped?
MICHEL: My point exactly! They are plastic and made in Banglagor!
LORELAI: We're doing this. So hop on board, or hop off.
MICHEL: Okay! You don't need to snap my nose off! [He leaves.]
SOOKIE: He's getting on your nerves, huh?
LORELAI: Completely. I'm starving.
SOOKIE: Didn't you have anything at Luke's today?
LORELAI: Not today. There's no food in this fridge.
SOOKIE: It's stuffed with food.
LORELAI: Food that's edible. Food to consume. Everything in here you have to cook.
SOOKIE: I'm a cook.
LORELAI: Oh, forget it.
SOOKIE: What's wrong?
LORELAI: Nothing. Luke and I had a little disagreement last night.
SOOKIE: At the wedding? What happened?
LORELAI: Christopher showed up.
SOOKIE: Oh, no.
LORELAI: My mother invited him.
SOOKIE: Oh, no!
LORELAI: And I hadn't exactly told Luke about that tequila night with Chris after his dad died, so I told him and there was a big blow-up. Chris went nuts, Luke went nuts, and he got mad, and he left. And now he says he needs time to think.
SOOKIE: How much time?
LORELAI: He just said, 'Time'.
SOOKIE: Ooh, I hate when men do that. It's so vague.
LORELAI: I should have told him when it happened. But I blew it. Now, if he'd just give me ten minutes we could hash it out and be back on our way, and not waste time. What's enough time?
SOOKIE: I don't know.
LORELAI: It's been twelve hours. That enough?
SOOKIE: I'd say no.
LORELAI: I'll be distracted until we fix this.
SOOKIE: Well, don't worry, because when a relationship is right, things work out.
LORELAI: I hope so.
SOOKIE: I heard about this couple on one of those morning show, similar to you guys - all lovey-dovey, perfect for each other, you know, headed for marriage - and something happened, and they broke up in their senior year of college, even though they were madly in love with each other. They moved to different parts of the country. They married different people.
LORELAI: They married different people?
SOOKIE: Oh, had kids, grandkids. Then their spouses died, oh, and they were available again, and they talked and they hooked up, and now they're together and they're happily in love after forty years apart. Uh!
LORELAI [shocked]: That's a horrible story!
SOOKIE: No, it's not!
LORELAI: What morning show was that on? I hate that story!
SOOKIE: But they ended up together!
LORELAI: Was it Katie Couric? She seems very dark to me.
SOOKIE: The point is that even if it takes forty years to figure it out, there's still a chance for a happy ending!
LORELAI: But that's all they had! An ending! I don't want to have just an ending with Luke!
SOOKIE: I know, but -
LORELAI: I don't want to have those stupid kids or those ugly grandkids with that loser other guy!
SOOKIE: You don't know, he could be a nice guy.
LORELAI: Even if he's a nice, guy, he's not the guy I want to be with!
SOOKIE: You're right. It's not fair to him.
LORELAI: It's not fair to him, it's dishonest.
SOOKIE: We should name the other guy. I feel like he'd be a Larry.
LORELAI: We're not naming the other guy.
SOOKIE: Okay. I guess it was a bad example. Sorry.
LORELAI: Oh, it's okay.
SOOKIE: But you know, I read a story about another guy that had a fight with his girlfriend, and he said he needed like a week to think it over, and he only needed a day. And he and the girl were back together and were happy forever. No Larry, or loser kids, or anything.
LORELAI: Uh-huh.
SOOKIE: They don't put stuff like that in the newspapers, 'cause it's not as sexy as the forty year story, but it happens all the time, really.
LORELAI: Thanks for making that up.
SOOKIE: You're welcome.
LORELAI: I'm going to go take a walk. I've got some errands to run.
SOOKIE: Good. Clear your head. And it was Katie Couric.
LORELAI: I knew it.
[Lorelai leaves.]
YALE CAFETERIA
[Rory and Paris are collecting bowls of different kinds of cereal.]
PARIS: Don't forget the raisin bran. It's good for you. Keeps you moving.
RORY: Whatever that means. Ew, I just got what that means!
PARIS: Cognitive skills are slow today. Grab some Corn Flakes. Nietzsche and Lichtenstein went ape guano over Corn Flakes.
RORY: They make you smart, German and depressed. Why do they have so much Wheat Chex? It doesn't go with anything.
PARIS: Wheat Chex are sort of the pumpernickel bread of the cereal world.
RORY: Well put. So what combo are you thinking today?
PARIS: Cap'n Crunch over a foundation of Rice Krispies, with a perimeter of Shredded Wheat.
RORY: Bold.
PARIS: I like its prospects.
RORY: I love cereal.
PARIS: It rocks.
[Rory takes her phone out of her pocket and sets it on the table as they sit down.]
PARIS: So, you never told me who the guy was.
RORY: Guy?
PARIS: The guy you were dying for a message from? The guy who has you yoked to your cell phone?
RORY: I am not yoked to my cell phone. I can't hear it when it's in my pocket.
PARIS: Oh, God! Tell me it's not Huntzberger.
RORY: What if it is?
PARIS: With the hair, and the chin like he's the fourth Bee Gee?
RORY: You know, I could put the phone away if it's bothering you.
PARIS: Don't. That pathetic boat you're in? I'm first oarsman. [She pulls out her cell phone and puts it on the table.]
RORY: How so?
PARIS: I'm waiting for Doyle to call. I expected a call yesterday to set something up for last night, but it never came. So I ate a family-sized bag of salt and vinegar potato chips and went to bed at seven-thirty.
RORY: That was the smell.
PARIS: We're better than this, you and me. We're the children of Emma Goldman and Hillary Clinton. Strong, independent. We're better than this.
RORY: Apparently not.
PARIS: I blame Chilton. Great education, but horrific socialization. We need guidance.
RORY: I'm not calling Love Line.
PARIS: Rory, come on. We're sitting in a sea of expertise in this field. The college campus. There's no end of knock-headed bimbos with tons of dross to dispense. There's two now.
RORY: Paris, don't.
PARIS: Althea! Janet! Come here!
RORY: You hate Althea and Janet.
PARIS: Granted, they know nothing of Ukrainian politics or the periodic table, but when it comes to boys, they're brighter than the Brontes.
JANET: What, Paris?
RORY: Hey, Janet. Althea.
PARIS: Girls, we have related problems. A little love trouble.
RORY: We?
PARIS: Bend your ears?
ALTHEA: Uh, sure.
RORY: No, Althea, please. Go. Enjoy your Sunday. There's no love trouble here.
ALTHEA: I don't mind.
RORY: I do.
PARIS: Fine, then I'll just lay out my situation.
RORY: Great. Good. 'Cause I'm out of this.
[Janet and Althea sit down.]
PARIS: Okay, so I've got a guy.
JANET: Blind?
PARIS: Can it. Last time I saw him, he strongly implied that he was going to call me. And soon. It's been four days.
ALTHEA: You ever call him to hook up?
PARIS: He's always taken the reins.
ALTHEA: What did he say exactly?
JANET: Call you later, or see you later?
PARIS: Call. Or was it see?
JANET: Very different.
ALTHEA: Call's more descriptive. If he said 'call you later' and he didn't, it's an egregious 'screw you'.
PARIS: I'm pretty sure it was see.
JANET: Then I think you could cut him some slack. You like him, right?
PARIS: Yeah.
JANET: Then call him, but have a reason.
PARIS: We're on the paper together.
JANET: Perfect.
ALTHEA: Call to ask for notes or something. But don't give him anything else. If he's into you, he'll take it from there. If he's not, at least you know, so you can dump him.
PARIS: Direct, simple. A clear path. Thank you.
ALTHEA: You're welcome. [They start to get up.]
RORY: Um, excuse me.
JANET: Yeah?
RORY: If you don't mind, I'm wondering -
ALTHEA: Yeah?
RORY: Okay, I got close to kind of getting together with a guy -
ALTHEA: You mean like 'getting together', getting together?
RORY: Yeah. But, we were interrupted. Shouldn't he be calling me to talk, or maybe set up getting together?
ALTHEA: What was the interruption?
RORY: Mom. Then Dad. Then Mom's boyfriend.
ALTHEA: Whoa.
JANET: Poor guy.
ALTHEA: Okay, you definitely have to call him.
RORY: Really?
ALTHEA: He might be afraid to call.
JANET: Thinks you're too much drama.
RORY: Too much drama.
ALTHEA: You give him a call, but keep it casual.
PARIS: She's love dense. Give her specific language.
JANET: Get together?
ALTHEA: Or hang out?
JANET: That's better.
ALTHEA: Ask him to hang out sometime. It'll give him an easy out. If he says yes, meet up, act casual, but look hot.
PARIS: I've got a pen if you want to write this down.
RORY: No, I think I can remember. Thank you.
ALTHEA: No problem.
JANET: Anytime.
[They get up and leave.]
PARIS: Styrofoam for brains, but they know their stuff.
[Rory nods.]
STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Lorelai walks along. A chef at Antonioli's is putting a large pink bow on his door, and also is wearing a smaller one. He gives Lorelai a big 'thumbs up'. Gypsy approaches.]
GYPSY: I'm on your side, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Whoa, yo, Gypsy. What are you talking about?
GYPSY: The breakup.
LORELAI: What breakup?
GYPSY: Yours and Luke's.
LORELAI: We're not broken up.
GYPSY: Break up, split up, separated - whatever you want to call it.
LORELAI: I'd like to call it nothing. We're fine. What is with these ribbons?
GYPSY: Pink for you, blue for Luke. Taylor's idea. That way we all know whose side we're on without having to talk to each other. He's a freak, but I like pink.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
GYPSY: Look out, blue incoming. [She pulls her out of the way of a man walking by.]
LORELAI: Oh, Gypsy, please. Take that ribbon off. I don't want anyone encouraging Taylor on this.
GYPSY: Oh, it's way too late. He's passed out hundreds.
LORELAI: Hundreds?
GYPSY: It was no choice for me. Luke fixes his own truck, so I make bumpkins off him. But you, you don't know a piston from a pepperoni. Lots of money in ignorance. I'm with you.
LORELAI [Sees Luke going into Doose's market]: Okay, great. I'll catch up with you later. [She walks away.]
GYPSY: Pink power, baby. We chicks gotta stick together.
DOOSE'S MARKET
[Lorelai enters. Taylor is tying ribbons.]
TAYLOR: Lorelai.
LORELAI: I'll deal with you later. [She heads toward the back of the store.] Luke? Hi. I'm sorry to sneak up on you like this, but please, just give me a minute. We need to talk. I have so much to say. I should have told you about that night with Christopher. I know that now.
LUKE: Yeah, okay. I'm -
LORELAI: But I swear, the visit we had was so innocent. It was about his dad, and nothing happened. Less than nothing happened.
LUKE: But you hid it.
LORELAI: I know, and I shouldn't have. And I am so, so sorry. But all that talk from Christopher, at the wedding. I didn't see that coming. He was drunk. He was stupid. He's never not stupid, but I didn't see it coming.
LUKE: You should have.
LORELAI: I know. Rory warned me and I ignored her, but believe me. I am never seeing him again. Never.
LUKE: What are you talking about? He's Rory's father. He'll always be in your life.
LORELAI: In her life.
LUKE: Her life is your life.
LORELAI: Not when it comes to this.
LUKE: This is going to happen again and again.
LORELAI: No, it won't, Luke. I promise. God, if you care anything for me at all, just please trust me on this.
LUKE: I've got to go. [He pushes past her.]
LORELAI: Luke. No, wait. Wait. [She follows him to the door.] Luke, it was my mother, you know, who did all this. She was the one. She caused all this hateful stuff because Christopher is weak and she knows that and I am never talking to her again.
LUKE: They're always going to be in your life too.
LORELAI: No.
LUKE: Your mother, your father. The Gilmores will always be in your life.
LORELAI: I can cut them off.
LUKE: No, you just can't cut them off. It doesn't work that way, and they'll never feel differently about me, ever.
LORELAI: It doesn't matter, because they're gone. That's it. They are gone. I can do that.
LUKE: I can't have this out right now.
LORELAI: Okay, when? Where?
LUKE: I need more time! I told you that.
LORELAI: I'm afraid of this 'more time' stuff. I'm afraid it'll take forty years and that's not good.
LUKE: Lorelai.
LORELAI: We'll miss our middle. I want a middle. And the town is dividing us up. I need that to stop.
LUKE: Don't.
LORELAI: Luke. I am all in. I'm all in. Please trust me. Let me show you what a great girlfriend I can be. But I can't wait. We can't wait. I need to know what you're thinking right now.
LUKE: Fine. You want to know what I'm thinking right now? That I can't be in this relationship. It's too much.
[He leaves.]
LORELAI [stunned]: No.
YALE DORMS - RORY'S BEDROOM
[Rory dials a number on her cell phone.]
LOGAN: Hello?
RORY: Hi. It's Rory.
LOGAN: Rory Gilmore, as I live and breathe.
RORY: So, how are you?
LOGAN: I'm good, Ace, how are you?
RORY: I'm good.
LOGAN: Hope your life's been less exciting since the last time I saw you.
RORY: Relatively.
LOGAN: Meaning you're steering clear of country club dressing rooms?
RORY: Pretty much.
LOGAN: Good.
RORY: Yeah. So, I was wondering if maybe you -
LOGAN: Yeah?
RORY: If you'd like to hang out, or something.
LOGAN: Hang out?
RORY: Yeah.
LOGAN: When?
RORY: How about tonight?
LOGAN: Whoa, spontaneity.
RORY: I'm very 'of the moment' these days.
LOGAN: Well, sure, I'd love to hang out with you. Come on over.
RORY: To your place?
LOGAN: Absolutely.
RORY: Cool.
LOGAN: See you in a bit.
RORY: See you in a bit.
[She hangs up, proud of herself.]
YALE DORMS - A HALLWAY
[Rory knocks on a door. A stranger sticks his head out.]
GUY: Yeah.
RORY: Oh, hi. I don't think I'm in the right place.
LOGAN [calling from inside]: Hey, who is it?
GUY: Girl scout.
LOGAN: Hey, Ace. Come on in.
GUY: Come on in.
[She goes in. A poker table is set up in the middle of the room.]
LOGAN: Welcome to my night of humiliating defeat.
ROBERT: One in a series.
COLIN: Don't gloat, Robert. It's not Christian.
ROBERT: Neither am I.
LOGAN: Everybody, this is Rory.
ROBERT: Hi.
COLIN: Hey.
LOGAN: I'd introduce you, but I only know three of them.
COLIN: It's to you, buddy.
LOGAN: Oh, joy. Come on, kiddo, sit here next to me.
RORY: Is that allowed?
ROBERT: I wouldn't object.
LOGAN: Come on, be my good luck charm. Did I raise or check?
COLIN: You been eating out of aluminum pans again, buddy?
ROBERT: Your short term memory is non-existent.
LOGAN: Yeah, it's aluminum pans.
ROBERT: The more you stall, the slower I win.
COLIN: That was almost grammatically correct.
LOGAN: Two.
COLIN: Call.
LOGAN: Hold up. You look very nice tonight.
RORY: Oh, thanks.
LOGAN: What do you know about this game?
RORY: Um, just what I've seen on T.V. The Odd Couple.
LOGAN: What?
RORY: Quincy played it, but he wasn't called Quincy, um, Oscar and Felix. Felix didn't play it. Tony Randall, he cooked for them sometimes.
LOGAN: I am so lost.
RORY: I know a little.
LOGAN: Well, if you know anything, you know I need a jack or a ten.
[Robert lays down his hand.]
COLIN: Pocket jacks.
LOGAN: Un bloody believable.
ROBERT: Do we bother with fifth street?
LOGAN: Let's see it.
[The dealer lays down. The guys cry out in disbelief.]
LOGAN: Oh, now you're just mocking me!
ROBERT: Well, your gal brought someone some luck.
COLIN: Two g's. Ouch.
RORY: That was two thousand dollars?
COLIN: Got to bet it to win it.
LOGAN: It's just money.
ROBERT: He's down nine to me from last time. Should I send an I.O.U. to your Pop, that how you want to work it? Cut out the middle man?
LOGAN: Yeah, and I'll send some to your mother.
ROBERT: Generic, unfocused 'and-so's-your-mother' style comeback. You're off your game, Huntz.
LOGAN: I'll work on a better retort and get back to you.
ROBERT [to Rory]: So are you covering this?
RORY: Pardon me?
ROBERT: You were at the last Life and Death shindig, as I recall.
RORY: Yeah, but I'm not covering this. I'm just hanging out.
LOGAN: Yeah, back off, Robert. She's just hanging out.
[A girl brings Colin a drink.]
COLIN: Thanks, kid.
GIRL: Oh, you're welcome.
COLIN: I love the service here.
GUY: I'm out.
COLIN: Down to the tricks again.
ROBERT: I'm in.
LOGAN: Don't be a jerk, Robert.
ROBERT: What?
LOGAN: You bet without looking at your cards. Look at your cards.
ROBERT: I don't need to, with Rory here.
COLIN: I hate it when he does that.
LOGAN: You want a drink?
RORY: Me?
LOGAN: Yeah.
RORY: Well, actually I don't know how long I'm going to stay here so I think I'm good for now.
LOGAN: All right. Well, the way it's going tonight, I may not last till the next drink either. [He tosses some chips in.]
COLIN: Can we change the music?
GUY: No.
COLIN: Since when did you become Tipper Gore?
GUY: Shut up, Colin.
[Rory looks at the ground.]
DRAGONFLY INN
[A group of little girls are holding their dolls, looking bored and sad.]
SOOKIE: She's on her way, I know she is.
WOMAN: Well, I hope she is. Just hang in there, girls. I know you're hungry. [To Sookie] They're getting ready to rebel.
SOOKIE [dialing her cell phone]: It's just that Lorelai ordered all the tables and the little china and I'm sure it's here somewhere, it's just - excuse me for just a second. [She walks over to Michel] Please, help. You're just standing there. [She hangs up the phone and dials another number.]
MICHEL: I'm staying out of the way. In situations like this, 'do not get in the way' is so valuable.
SOOKIE: Well, get in the way. Entertain the kids.
MICHEL: Like I'm Sponge Boy Big Pants or something? I do not entertain children.
SOOKIE [hanging up again]: I'm getting worried. She left to do an errand yesterday and never came back.
MICHEL: Are you dialing the right number?
SOOKIE: I think after ten years I know Lorelai's number.
MICHEL: Well, where is she?
SOOKIE: I don't know. But she was in charge of everything except the pancakes, and without her all we have are pancakes! They're expecting games and stuff.
MICHEL: Oh, here's a fun game. Poke out all of the doll's eyes, mix them up, and match them to the right dolls.
SOOKIE: It's still voicemail!
MICHEL: Well, leave a message!
SOOKIE: I've left a million messages! I'm going to her house.
MICHEL: Don't leave me here!
SOOKIE: Stall, stall! [She leaves.]
LITTLE GIRL: My dolly fell. Kiss the boo-boo.
MICHEL: What part of the dolly is the boo-boo?
YALE DORMS - LOGAN'S COMMON ROOM - MORNING
[Rory is asleep on the couch. She wakes up to find the guys still playing poker.]
LOGAN: Come on, come on.
ROBERT: I've made my decision.
COLIN: I'm in. Three fifty.
ROBERT: Call.
LOGAN: I'm going to raise.
ROBERT: Ass.
COLIN: Our gentleman's courtesies still prevail, Rob.
ROBERT: Fine. Mr. Ass. Ass Esquire.
[They laugh]
COLIN: He's cracked! We've cracked Robert!
LOGAN: Mornin' there, Ace, how'd you sleep?
ROBERT: For the record you don't snore.
COLIN: We'd be happy to sign an affidavit to that effect for any prospective husband.
[Rory's cell phone rings. She digs in her purse and brings it out.]
RORY: Mom?
SOOKIE: It's me, Rory. It's Sookie.
RORY: Sookie? Are you at the house?
SOOKIE: Look, uh, something happened with your mom and Luke and your mom's in bad shape. I mean, she's down, hon. And I'm here now, but I think you oughta come. She needs you.
RORY: Oh my God. Is she hurt?
SOOKIE: No, not physically. Just come, okay?
RORY: I'm coming.
[She hangs up and gets ready to leave.]
LOGAN: I'm out. [He gets up.] You okay?
RORY: I have to go.
LOGAN: What happened?
RORY: I just have to go, I have to get home.
LOGAN: To your dorm?
RORY: Stars Hollow. Oh, no, I don't have my car.
LOGAN: Well, didn't you walk here, like a hundred yards away?
RORY: No, I mean I took it in for it's six month service. It's at the
dealer.
LOGAN: You take your car to the dealer? They so rip you off there!
RORY: Well it doesn't matter where it is! I don't have it! Which means that I have to take a bus or a train or something.
LOGAN: That'll take hours.
RORY: I know. I have to go.
LOGAN: Take my car.
RORY: I don't want to drive your car.
LOGAN: No, it's a car with a driver. I've got an account with the company.
RORY: No.
LOGAN: Take it. I'll give Frank a call, tell him to meet you out front. He'll take good care of you. It's a done deal.
RORY: Okay. Thanks.
LOGAN: Go!
[He dials a number. Rory leaves.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Sookie is sitting on the couch. Rory rushes in.]
RORY: Where is she?
SOOKIE: Upstairs.
RORY [heading upstairs]: Okay, I've got it from here, Sookie. I love you.
UPSTAIRS
[Lorelai is crying, lying in bed.]
RORY: Mom? What happened?
LORELAI: Luke.
RORY: What Luke?
LORELAI: He's gone! He hates me. I blew it. I blew everything.
RORY: I don't understand. What happened?
LORELAI: I should have told him about Christopher.
RORY: That was innocent.
LORELAI: But I should have told him. I hid it. I shouldn't have hid it.
RORY: Try to sit up.
LORELAI: She got to him.
RORY: To Dad? Who did?
LORELAI: Mom. She pushed him and it ruined everything. And now they're putting up ribbons.
RORY: Ribbons? Who?
LORELAI: Taylor, the town. They hate me. They all hate me. I wrecked everything.
RORY: Mom. This isn't good. Come on. Try to sit up.
LORELAI: He said he needed time to think, but I pushed him.
RORY: He'll come around.
LORELAI: I pushed him, and now he's gone.
RORY: He waited forever for you. He's not just going to walk away.
LORELAI: It's over.
RORY: Mom, this isn't you. Lying in bed like this. You should be up.
LORELAI: You should go to school. Go back to school.
RORY: I'm here. I'm staying.
LORELAI: God, I really screwed up this time.
RORY: Shh.
LORELAI: He could have been the one.
RORY: He'll come around. Shh. Try to sleep.
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai walks down the stairs.]
LORELAI: Rory?
[She looks into the kitchen and sees a video projector. She walks in and sees Luke sitting on Big Red.]
LORELAI: Luke?
[She walks into the Black, White and Read theater. She sits down next to Luke, smiling at him.]
LORELAI: Whatcha watching?
LUKE: Something stupid.
[The film shows Lorelai and Luke sitting in her kitchen drinking glasses of champagne, with candles all around.]
LORELAI: This isn't stupid.
FILM LUKE: Lorelai, this thing we're doing here, me, you. I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in.
[Film Lorelai says nothing.]
LORELAI: Say something.
[Luke on the couch next to her is replaced by a large blue ribbon.]
LORELAI: Say something!
[Lorelai wakes up in her bed. She rolls over and Rory is looking at her.]
RORY: You slept.
LORELAI: I guess.
RORY: Feeling better?
LORELAI: Sure.
RORY: No you're not.
LORELAI: You should get back to Yale.
RORY: Uh-uh.
LORELAI: Rory, you can't just stay here.
RORY: Sorry. I'm here for the duration.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: You need supplies.
LORELAI: I'm fine.
RORY: There's no sign that you've eaten or had anything to drink.
LORELAI: Well, I'm not hungry or thirsty.
RORY: Well, if you're staying up here you need supplies. Sustenance. Entertainment.
LORELAI: Well.
RORY: See, you're a little thirsty, aren't you.
LORELAI: A little.
RORY: What can I get you? Water? Bourbon?
LORELAI: Water is good.
RORY: What do you got food-wise?
LORELAI: Not much.
RORY: What's not much?
LORELAI: Like, nothing. Some moldy bread. I've been eating out mostly.
RORY: Okay, I'm going on a run.
LORELAI: I'm not hungry.
RORY: I'll get you some DVD's, too. Do you want magazines?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: I'll get you some magazines. You sure you don't want bourbon?
LORELAI: Honey, you have stuff to do.
RORY: This is my stuff. I'll be back in a flash.
LORELAI [gasps]: The ribbons.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Ah, the ribbons. They're all over town.
RORY: I'll just ignore them. Stupid Taylor!
LORELAI: People are going to be all over you with questions.
RORY: Then they'll feel the wrath of the Green Destiny.
LORELAI: Oh, you'll get b*mb.
RORY: Well, maybe I'll call in some reinforcements. [She kisses her head.] I've got my cell on.
LORELAI: 'Kay.
RORY: Don't go rollerblading or bowling or anything while I'm gone.
LORELAI: I won't.
[She watches Rory leave, then flops back into bed.]
DOOSE'S MARKET - OUTSIDE
[Lane walks out of the store followed by a bag boy. They are both carrying large bags.]
FRANK: I'll get those, Miss.
[Frank, the driver, put the bags in the trunk of the limo. Lane gets in.]
RORY: Did you get everything?
LANE: Everything on the list. Plus, I threw in a few things of my own. Some Toll House cookie dough. Cooked or uncooked, the ultimate comfort food.
RORY: Nice.
LANE: Chocolate covered matzah.
RORY: Nice and ethnic.
LANE: And a new toothbrush.
RORY: Why a new toothbrush?
LANE: Dentists say you're supposed to change your toothbrush every three months, and I'm assuming your mother's not doing that.
RORY: Well, I'm not sure how that's going to help her depression but you are a good friend. [She knocks on the divider at the front of the limo. The window opens and she hands Frank a sandwich.] You like ham and cheese, Frank?
FRANK: Ah, thank you, Miss.
RORY: We can head home now.
FRANK: Very good. [He closes the window.]
RORY: Was Taylor in there?
LANE: 'Fraid so. And he was holding court.
RORY: What?
LANE: He was talking with a bunch of people about the breakup. Big debate going on.
RORY: What debate?
LANE: Oh, about whether Elm should have gone more pink than blue, and whether Lorelai should have married that Max guy when she had the chance. Oh, and he was passing out ribbons like there was no tomorrow.
RORY: Was he. [Knocks on the divider.] Hold on, Frank.
FRANK: Yes, ma'am.
DOOSE'S MARKET - INSIDE
[Taylor is talking to a customer while bagging her groceries. Rory enters.]
TAYLOR: Luke I've known longer, because of the diner. Lorelai is much later, but she -
RORY: Where are they, Taylor?
TAYLOR: What?
RORY: Don't play dumb. The ribbons.
[Taylor shows her the box. She grabs it.]
RORY: Take piano lessons or something!
[She leaves.]
TAYLOR: She was so sweet when she was little. [Shaking his head.]
IN THE LIMO
[Rory gets in.]
RORY: Got 'em.
LANE: My compliments to your moxie!
RORY: Oh, I've got moxie coming out of my ears today. [They hear a car honking.]
LANE: They honking at us?
RORY: They better not be. Frank, are they honking at us?
FRANK: I believe so.
RORY: Oh, I am in no mood for this. We are depressed! [She stands up, her head out the sunroof of the limo.] We'll move when we move, so stop -
[Luke is honking at them. He stops, shocked.]
LUKE: Oh. Sorry.
RORY: I'm not usually in a limo. [She goes back in.]
LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Rory has set up her purchases on a table next to the bed. Lorelai is sitting up, eating something out of a bowl. Rory enters.]
RORY: Heads up, man coming in.
LORELAI: Oh! The T.V.!
[Frank enters with the T.V.]
RORY: You won't come downstairs, I'm bringing downstairs up to you. On the table, Frank.
FRANK: Very good. [To Lorelai] Evening, Ma'am.
LORELAI: Evening.
RORY: That's Frank, my driver. So, I put all the things you will definitely need within easiest reach - water, basic foodstuffs - then, the things that you have to reach for or stand up for recede in order of frequency of use. It's not a science, but I did the best I could.
LORELAI: Well, I'm loving the cereal combo.
RORY: Five different kinds, three sweetened, with a mix of non-fat milk and half and half. It's a Paris recipe.
LORELAI: Thank her for me.
FRANK: All done here.
RORY: Excellent.
FRANK: Anything else I can get for you?
RORY: I don't think so. Thanks, Frank.
LORELAI: Yeah, thanks, Frank. [He leaves.] Wait, who's Frank?
RORY: Oh, well, I had to get out here, and my car is at the dealer for it's six month service. So my friend had a car and a driver standing by, so they let me borrow it and Frank, and, well, that explains Frank.
LORELAI: You take your car to the dealer?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: They're such a rip-off there.
RORY: It says in the book to take it to the dealer.
LORELAI: If it said in the book to drive off a cliff, would you drive off a cliff?
RORY: Yes I would.
LORELAI: And 'they' is a 'he'.
RORY: Who?
LORELAI: The 'they' with the limo.
RORY: Yes, he's a 'he'.
LORELAI: Thank Logan for me.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Look, you and Frank should go.
RORY: No!
LORELAI: Yale's going to get mad.
RORY: Yale's not going to get mad.
LORELAI: Rory, I'm glad you came, but look how fine I am. I'm surrounded by everything I could possibly need. I even have raw cookie dough, for God's sake.
RORY: That was Lane's idea.
LORELAI: A whole village has seen to my needs. Go. It's time. Look, I'm sitting up and everything.
RORY: And you're feeling better, I mean, for real this time?
LORELAI: I'm not a hundred percent, but I'm getting there. I swear.
RORY: The downstairs is all set too. I cleaned up. Vacuumed a little, spot dusted. Oh, and I've checked in with Sookie.
LORELAI: Oh, good.
RORY: The party for the little girls and their dolls? Michel apparently really came through and it was a big h*t. He sang a medley from Annie.
LORELAI: Oh, the big g*n. Good. Now go!
RORY: Okay. But I am going to call a lot.
LORELAI: I'm good with that.
RORY: And I only have one class tomorrow, so I could stop by again in the afternoon.
LORELAI: Well, there'll be no need.
RORY: You can call me, too, you know.
LORELAI: I know, Mom.
RORY: Okay. Bye.
LORELAI: Bye, honey.
RORY: And I'm going to have Frank honk before we leave.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: I don't know, it just sounds fun.
LORELAI: Okay.
[Rory leaves. Lorelai turns on the T.V. and flips through some channels. She turns it off again. The limo honks outside. Lorelai sighs and slumps back down in bed.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE - LATER
[Lorelai is sitting up in bed, staring. She reaches for the phone, then stops herself. She grabs it and dials a number, sniffling.]
LORELAI: Hey, Luke, it's me. I know I'm not supposed to be calling, but I am not doing really great right now, and - [Pause] I was just wondering, if, do you remember in The Way we Were, how Katie and Hubbell broke up because his friends were joking and laughing, and the president had just died, and she yelled at them and he was mad and he was going out to Hollywood, and, I mean, which she hated, and he broke up with her and she was really upset. And she called him and asked him if he would come over and sit with her because he was her best friend and she needed her best friend, and he did. And they talked all night, and they went out to Hollywood, which was a disaster, but it was good at first. With the boat, and uh, putting the books away. I've seen this movie a lot, so if you don't remember the putting the books away scene, don't feel stupid or anything. I was just sitting here thinking about it, because I, um, I'm in my house, and I was just, uh [Her voice breaks] Could - please come over. I - please. Rea
[She hangs up suddenly, realization on her face.]
LORELAI: Oh, my God.
[She gets out of bed.]
LUKE'S DINER - OUTSIDE
[Lorelai runs down the street. The diner is dark. She grabs the key from on top of the door frame and opens the door.]
LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Lorelai sneaks in, looking around to make sure Luke isn't there. She goes to the answering machine and steals the tape and leaves.]
YALE DORMS - LOGAN'S COMMON ROOM
[Logan heads to the door to answer a knock. Rory is standing there.]
LOGAN: Hey, Ace, how you doing?
RORY: Fine.
LOGAN: Come on in.
RORY: Um, Logan, wait. No, I can't stay, I'm just returning Frank.
LOGAN: Returning Frank?
RORY: And the limo. Thanks very much.
LOGAN: Everything okay back home?
RORY: Okay enough. It was good that I went. Thank you very much for your help.
LOGAN: You're very formal tonight.
RORY: What?
LOGAN: Just your tone. It's formal.
RORY: Well, that's how it is. And, I fed Frank a nice sandwich, so he's all good to go.
LOGAN: You know you ended up being extremely lucky for me, Ace.
RORY: Is that so?
LOGAN: I took Robert for everything he had, plus everything I owed him from last time. You should come to all these things.
RORY: Yeah, kiddo, maybe I should.
LOGAN: What?
RORY: Hey, did it ever occur to you when I called to ask you if you wanted to hang out that I meant that it should just be the two of us?
LOGAN: I actually wasn't sure, the whole thing was a little vague.
RORY: It wasn't vague.
LOGAN: No, hanging out's a little vague. It's not a specific boy-girl thing.
RORY: Well, I can tell you that I wasn't expecting to be Fanny Brice to your Nicky Arnstein.
LOGAN: But I already had this game going, and I couldn't just kick everybody out, so my choice is to say no and not see you at all or say yes and do it the way we did it.
RORY: Well, I wasn't expecting a group.
LOGAN: So, I should have said no, meaning I wouldn't see you at all? I wanted to see you.
RORY: Well, that's nice. I wanted to see you too. I just thought it would be a little more intimate.
LOGAN: Intimate?
RORY: You know what I mean.
LOGAN: So the only time we can see each other is to have sex?
RORY: No, Logan, that's not what I'm saying.
LOGAN: That's what I'm taking from this.
RORY: Well, don't take that. That's not what I'm saying.
LOGAN: So, we can see each other under all kinds of conditions. Alone, in a group.
RORY: Yeah.
LOGAN: Good. Last night happened to be a group thing.
RORY: Right.
LOGAN: So I don't see the problem.
RORY: Yeah. No, I guess there really wasn't a problem.
LOGAN: Glad we cleared that up.
RORY: Yeah, me too.
LOGAN [steps forward]: Now, I'm going out of town for a few days, but I was going to give you a call to set something up for when I get back, but you called me first.
RORY: Right.
LOGAN: I'm back next Saturday. It's the first night I'm back. Want to - I don't know, what are the kids saying these days? Hang out?
RORY: I'm never listening to the breakfast cereal girls again.
LOGAN: What?
RORY: Nothing. I'm free.
LOGAN: No group this time.
RORY: No group this time.
LOGAN: Good, so next Saturday. [They kiss.] Thanks for feeding Frank.
RORY: You're welcome.
LOGAN: And I promise not to call you kiddo again, I kinda picked up on that sarcasm from before.
RORY: There are just so many other things you could call me.
LOGAN: That's an opening. [She kisses him again.]
RORY: Bye.
LOGAN [Looking after her]: Bye, Ace.
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[She walks toward the porch. Luke comes out of the front door.]
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: Are you okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, I -
LUKE: Sure? I got here, there was no answer.
LORELAI [sighs]: You got my message.
LUKE: Yeah, I was home and I couldn't reach the phone, so I ran over here. I knocked, there was no answer, so I tried the loose window, but I fixed that last week, and then I realized I fixed all the stupid ways there were to get in your house, and I broke the back door lock and I ran inside and you weren't there.
LORELAI: Oh, my God.
LUKE: It's okay, I can fix it.
LORELAI: I'm so sorry, Luke. I will never do this to you ever again. I am absolutely humiliated. I was hurting, and I knew if I called you you'd come. I never should have done that.
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: No, it's not okay. It's not okay. I am not that girl. I am not the one who cries and falls apart and calls her ex-boyfriend to come and save her. Thank you so much for coming, and for breaking my door. You're an amazing guy for doing that. [She hands him the tape.]
LUKE: What's that?
LORELAI: It's the tape from your answering machine.
LUKE: From my answering machine?
LORELAI: The last crazy thing you will ever have to endure from me, I promise. [Pause.] I just want you to know that I heard you when you said that you're out. I did. I'm going to respect that from now on.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: You should go. It's cold. I'll be fine.
[Luke looks like he wants to say more, but Lorelai goes inside. He leaves.]
_________END___________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x14 - Say Something"} | foreverdreaming |
YALE CAMPUS
[Lorelai is walking around. A student hands her a flier.]
LORELAI: Oh, sure. Thanks.
[She continues walking. Busy students are everywhere. She knocks on Rory's dorm room door. A male voice answers.]
VOICE: Come in.
[Lorelai opens the door and sees Doyle on the couch.]
LORELAI: Hi! Hello. I'm sorry, do I have the wrong room?
DOYLE: I wouldn't know.
PARIS [coming out of her room]: How delightful to have all of my towels used and then deposited in my hamper with my dry clothes to create a pungent musty combo. Hey, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Paris, good, I have the right room.
PARIS: This is Rory's mother.
LORELAI [leans over to shake Doyle's hand]: Hi. Lorelai.
DOYLE: I'm Doyle, Rory's editor.
PARIS: And my lover.
LORELAI: Okay, well, super.
DOYLE: I don't think lover is exactly the correct term, Paris.
PARIS: Really? What is the correct term, Doyle?
DOYLE: At a later time, Paris.
PARIS: Doyle and I haven't defined the social aspects of our relationship yet.
LORELAI: Ah.
PARIS: Although we're having sex three or four times a week, so apparently the sexual aspects of our relationship are crystal freaking clear.
DOYLE: Paris, I beg you.
LORELAI: Is Rory here? 'Cause I could wait outside, or -
PARIS: I'm making you uncomfortable.
DOYLE: Yes.
PARIS: Her. Not you.
LORELAI: No, I'm fine. You two should be alone.
PARIS: I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be talking about love, or sex, especially since you -
LORELAI: Since I -
PARIS: Don't have any.
LORELAI: Rory! Are you here?
RORY [OS]: Yeah, I'm just getting my coat!
LORELAI: Ah! Can I watch?
RORY [OS]: Oh, is Paris out there?
LORELAI: She sure is.
RORY [OS]: Come on in.
LORELAI: Nice meeting you, Doyle.
DOYLE: Nice to meet you, too.
[Lorelai enters Rory's room. Doyle and Paris look at each other.]
PARIS: Yes?
DOYLE: You look so hot when you find me annoying.
PARIS: Then I must be Gisele Bündchen to you 24/7.
RORY'S ROOM
[Rory is putting on lipstick. Lorelai waits near the door.]
RORY: Sorry, I thought she and Doyle were indisposed.
LORELAI: No, no, plenty of disposal going on. So I notice you told Paris about my breakup.
RORY: Ah. I'm sorry, I didn't tell her on purpose. It's very difficult to keep anything from Paris. It's very close proximity and I swear she has a dog's ears.
LORELAI: That's fine.
RORY: I didn't mean to blab.
LORELAI: I know. But, hey, don't worry about me. Things are starting to look up. [She holds up the flier she received outside.] They think I'm a student.
RORY [peering at the flier]: And they also think you're Polynesian and potentially sexually undecided.
LORELAI: Yeah. Well, still an improvement.
RORY: Okay. Ready.
LORELAI: This was a good idea, having dinner.
RORY: Well, it is Friday night.
LORELAI: Yeah, but Friday night dinner without Ava and Adolf. Lovely.
RORY [indignant]: It's really not fair calling Grandpa Adolf!
LORELAI: No, no, that was Grandma.
RORY: Oh.
[They enter the common room.]
RORY: We're going.
[Doyle is standing near the fridge eating out of a giant bag of chips.]
DOYLE: Rory, are these your chips?
RORY: Yes, Doyle.
DOYLE [crunching]: Can I have some?
RORY: Knock yourself out, Doyle.
PARIS: Listen, Lorelai? If you decide that your breakup is something that you want to talk about, please let me know.
LORELAI: Okay, Paris.
PARIS: And let me know before Tuesday, because I'm doing a paper for my Emotional Mental Health class about how women of a certain age cope with loneliness, and I think you'd be a great lead-off antidote.
[Lorelai, stunned, looks at Rory meaningfully.]
RORY: You can't take her. She's trained in Krav Maga.
LORELAI: Damn it.
[They leave.]
OPENING CREDITS
YALE CAFETERIA
[Lorelai and Rory are carrying trays of food, looking for a place to sit down.]
LORELAI: Okay, so where do the cool kids sit?
RORY: This is Yale. There are no cool tables.
LORELAI: Oh, come on. Point out the cliques. The geeks. The stoners. The Plastics. Give me the scoop.
RORY: The scoop is that this is Yale. There are no cliques, we are beyond cliques.
LORELAI: So you get to college, and everybody just loves each other?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: It's Haight Ashbury all over again.
RORY: Except the tie-dye is done by Prada.
LORELAI: Okay. [She starts to sit down at a table.]
RORY: Hey, not that one.
LORELAI: See, that was the clique table.
RORY: No, it's under an air vent. [They sit at the next table.]
LORELAI: Seriously, Grandma, buy a shawl.
RORY: Hey, one good cold can set you back a month in studying.
LORELAI: Mmm. See, in my mind, I heard 'partying', but okay.
RORY [Raising her glass]: Here's to our very own special Friday night dinner.
LORELAI: Hear, hear. [They clink their glasses.] This stuff looks pretty good.
RORY: It is. So what's going on at home?
LORELAI [gasps dramatically]: Big grapefruit shortage. The hurricanes wiped them out and Taylor is completely freaking out.
RORY: I'm sure.
LORELAI: And Patty and Babette are organizing Stars Hollow's first botox party.
RORY: Are you invited?
LORELAI: Are you insinuating I should be?
RORY: So the Hollow's low on grapefruits.
LORELAI: Uh-huh. And I'm doing costumes for the Stars Hollow Elementary School production of Fiddler on the Roof.
RORY [meaningfully]: So, how are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm doing fine.
RORY: How are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm doing fine. I swear. I'm getting better.
RORY: No word from Luke?
LORELAI [sighing]: Not waiting on word from Luke.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Anyhow, I'm fine. I mean, not that I'm over it, but little by little it's getting easier to pretend it's easier, which means easier must be right around the corner.
RORY: I'm sure it is.
LORELAI: And I'm working on getting down a new routine. I've settled on Weston's in the morning.
RORY: Decent coffee, excellent strudel.
LORELAI: Yeah. So, that's me. How are you?
RORY: Hmm, well, I study, then study, then after a little study break, I study.
LORELAI: Uh-huh. How's, um, Logan?
RORY: He's been out of town for a while so I haven't seen him.
LORELAI: Hmm. And what else?
RORY: Mm. [Avoiding eye contact]
LORELAI: What?
RORY: I got an e-mail from Dad.
LORELAI [surprised]: Oh, you did? Huh. When?
RORY: Monday.
LORELAI: Only two weeks after the fact. Very speedy.
RORY: I'm sure he was just nervous.
LORELAI: You know, you don't need to hide that from me.
RORY: Well, I wasn't sure if you wanted to hear about it, or hear Dad's name -
LORELAI: Hey, it's part of the whole 'moving on' thing, right? So what did he say?
RORY: He wanted to give me his side of the story.
LORELAI: Oh, well. Unless his side of the story includes having his long-lost evil twin lock him in the closet and come to the wedding in his place, his side of the story doesn't exist.
RORY: He said it was all a misunderstanding.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: He said the only reason he came was to celebrate Grandma and Grandpa's vow renewal.
LORELAI: And 'cause Adolf told him to.
RORY: He says he likes Luke.
LORELAI: Yeah, he's proven that.
RORY: He just wants you to be happy.
LORELAI: So, he got me dumped.
RORY: And, basically that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding.
LORELAI: You know, the more he defends himself, the more he needs to defend himself.
RORY: Hey, do you think Grandpa knew about it?
LORELAI: About Christopher coming?
RORY: Do you think he planned it with Grandma?
LORELAI: Look how panicked you are. No, honey, honestly, the whole thing reeks of Emily. I mean, not that I think he would have discouraged it, but I'm pretty sure she's the one who poisoned the apple and gave it to Dopey to bring to the party.
RORY: Yeah.
[Two girls sit down at their table. They look weak and shaken, and are holding their heads.]
GIRL #1: Oh my God.
GIRL #2: Never again.
GIRL #1: Never, never again.
LORELAI [quiet, to Rory]: See, we are at the cool table. [Rory looks at her.] I'm telling you, if she throws up you're golden.
YALE COURTYARD
[Lorelai and Rory are walking, eating ice cream.]
LORELAI: You are so not starving here at Yale.
RORY: My lips are frozen.
LORELAI: Look, while it might seem a little eccentric to eat ice cream in forty degree weather -
RORY: You'd think!
LORELAI: There are several advantages to the concept. For example, since it's cold out, the ice cream won't melt, therefore it'll last longer.
RORY: So then my lips will stay frozen for double the amount of time.
LORELAI: Mm-hmm. Okay, I lost the feeling in my tongue!
RORY: I'm throwing the ice cream out now.
LORELAI: Oh, my God, it's frozen. It's like an ice cube. A tongue-shaped ice cube and it'll never thaw.
RORY: Then why don't you shut your mouth? Let the heat stay inside?
LORELAI: That was hostile. [Pause.] And useful. Thank you. [Points across the quad.] Hey, isn't that your naked guy?
RORY: Oh, yeah. Marty, hey! He's not my naked guy.
[Marty sees Rory, and as her attention is turned to Lorelai he runs in the other direction.]
LORELAI: Well, you don't really want a communal naked guy, nowadays, you know, it's too sketchy. [They look over. Marty is gone.] Huh. Well, I guess he didn't hear about you sitting at the cool table.
RORY [distracted]: Yeah.
LORELAI: You guys rumbling?
RORY: No, we're just not as close lately.
LORELAI: Aw, that's too bad. He seems like a nice guy.
RORY: Yeah, he is.
LORELAI: All right, honey. Thank you for dinner.
RORY: You're leaving?
LORELAI: Yeah, I should get back.
RORY: Okay. You can come in and watch T.V. for a while if you want.
LORELAI: It's okay.
RORY: You can even stay over if you don't feel like driving back.
LORELAI: Are there monsters under your bed again?
RORY: I'm just saying.
LORELAI: Look, Miss Nightingale. I appreciate your concern. And the offer to spend the night is much nicer than the suggestion that I shut my mouth, but I'm fine.
RORY: You sure?
LORELAI: Big girl.
RORY: Yeah. It's still new.
LORELAI: Angel, I have been dumped before.
RORY: Not by Luke.
LORELAI: No, not by Luke. But a dump is a dump. The process is still the same. Don't worry, Mom's cool.
RORY: I know Mom's cool.
LORELAI: 'Cause you heard about the table?
RORY: Exactly.
LORELAI: All right, kid, I'll see you later.
RORY: Okay, bye. [They kiss on the cheek and Lorelai goes.]
WESTON BAKERY
[A couple carries their order toward the door.]
LORELAI: Wow, looks good. Hey, I'm Lorelai, I'll be here every morning.
[They leave.] ‘Kay, see you guys tomorrow.
WOMAN: Here we go. Three coffees.
LORELAI: Oh, no, I'm sorry. I only ordered one.
WOMAN: You said "Coffee, coffee, coffee".
LORELAI: Haha, no, see, I said "coffee-coffee-coffee".
WOMAN: Right.
LORELAI: As in I really need coffee-coffee-coffee. You know.
WOMAN: No.
LORELAI: Coffee-coffee-coffee is a saying, like an exaggeration. It's a funny, desperate cry for caffeine. It's just my thing. ‘Cause everybody knows I drink a lot of coffee, so the day can't start until I've had my jolt. It's a bit. My bit. [The woman stares blankly at her.] It's not a particularly funny bit unless you know me, then – you know what, three coffees would be great. What do I owe you?
STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Lorelai is driving her Jeep. She drives past Luke's and sees his boat parked out front. She looks hurt. She keeps driving.]
YALE NEWSPAPER OFFICE
[Doyle is leading a staff meeting.]
DOYLE [upset]: I don't know what other words I should use. Perhaps I should talk slower, or have a woman sit in a circle above my head signing my words to you.
GLENN: That would be fresher than you yelling at us.
DOYLE: Glenn.
GLENN: Sorry. But every time I hear you I hear my mother. See my mother -
DOYLE: Stop comparing me to your mother.
GLENN: Stop acting like her.
DOYLE: Anyhow, as I was saying –
GLENN: Pick up your socks!
PARIS: Hey! Our editor's talking!
GLENN: He's your boyfriend, not mine.
PARIS: That has yet to be determined.
RORY [To Glenn]: You're particularly sassy today.
GLENN: I know. It must be my new glasses prescription.
DOYLE: I need all of you to hand in a hard copy of your stories in addition to filing them electronically. Last week our mail server was down and we very nearly missed our deadline. Now how would that have looked?
GLENN: Blank.
DOYLE: Glenn!
GLENN: Sorry. Mom. [He and Rory snicker.]
DOYLE: New system starts today. [Rory sees Marty through the window and gets up to go talk to him.] I want all articles in hard copy on my desk – where are you going?
RORY: I'll be right back.
DOYLE: I'm talking!
RORY: And very well, might I add.
DOYLE: Gilmore!
RORY: Doyle, I could be back by now!
YALE CAMPUS – OUTSIDE THE NEWSPAPER OFFICE
[Marty is buying a coffee. Rory comes outside.]
RORY: Now that's a manly sized cup of coffee.
MARTY: Uh, yeah. I, uh, I worked late, and I had a paper and I didn't get a lot of sleep –
RORY: Marty, you never have to apologize for a huge cup of coffee to me.
MARTY: Right. I know. [He turns and starts walking away. Rory stays with him.]
RORY: So you've been pretty busy lately, huh?
MARTY: Uh, yes.
RORY: Working a lot?
MARTY: Yes.
RORY: Studying a lot?
MARTY: Yes.
RORY: So that's probably why I haven't seen you very much.
MARTY: Yes. Probably.
RORY: I missed you. A lot.
MARTY: Well, I'm sure you've been a little busy yourself.
RORY: I guess. Hey listen, are you working this weekend?
MARTY: Uh, no.
RORY: Great, because I was thinking. It's been ages since we've had a good hangout night.
MARTY: Oh, well –
RORY: We could watch DVD's, order food. Oh, I just got the new Marx Brothers box set. You love the Marx Brothers, Duck Soup!
MARTY: I don't know if I can –
RORY: Did you hear me? I just said Duck Soup.
MARTY: Rory –
RORY: We could watch them all. You know, start early. Make a major marathon thing out of it. Just us. We haven't done this in a long time. Please?
MARTY: Okay. Sounds good.
RORY: Really? Oh, great! [She gives him a hug.] Okay, so on Saturday? Three-ish?
MARTY: Three-ish it is.
RORY: Excellent. Really. Okay, I have to get back, and you have a lot of coffee to drink. So I'll see you Saturday.
MARTY: See you Saturday.
RORY [heading back inside]: Okay!
[Marty smiles and keeps walking.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Luke serves Andrew his meal.]
ANDREW: Hey Luke, great boat you got out there.
LUKE: Oh, yeah. Thanks.
ANDREW: Are you selling it, or [he covers one eye with his hand and talks in a pirate voice] is it some kind of seafood promotion?
LUKE: I don't want to talk about it!
ANDREW [mumbling]: Good thing you parked it right outside the diner, then.
LUKE: What?
ANDREW [coughs]: Nothing. Nothing.
[Lulu enters with a little boy. Luke is wiping a table.]
LULU: Go on. He's right over there.
[The boy stands very near to Luke but says nothing. Luke finishes wiping the table and suddenly notices him.]
LUKE: Geez, kid! Don't just stand there, you'll give me a heart att*ck.
[He takes a plate behind the counter, and when he turns around, the boy is standing at the counter looking at him.]
LUKE: Hey.
BRADLEY: Mr. Danes.
LUKE: Yeah, speak up, there, kid. We've got a bit of a height difference here.
BRADLEY: I need to ask you something.
LUKE: Bathrooms are in the back. They're for customers only, so you have to order something. You want to order something? [Bradley shakes his head.] You want to use the bathroom? [Bradley shakes his head again.] Well then what do you want? [Bradley starts sucking on his inhaler.] What are you doing? What's he doing?
LULU: Don't worry. This always happens when he's terrified.
LUKE: What the hell is he terrified of?
LULU: Bradley, would you like me to tell him for you? [Bradley nods.] Okay. Luke.
LUKE: Why's he doing that?
LULU: Oh, he's fine.
LUKE: He doesn't look fine.
LULU: Luke. Luke! [She snaps her fingers] Eyes on me! Eyes on me. Thank you. Now, as you know, I teach third grade over at the elementary school. And our production of Fiddler on the Roof is on Saturday. And Bradley here is in charge of set design. Right, Bradley? [Bradley nods.] So, he just wanted to come here and tell you that he will need you at the school tomorrow at three o'clock. And please bring your own tools. Okay? You did that very well, Bradley!
LUKE: What are you talking about?
LULU: I thought Bradley was very clear.
LUKE: What do you mean, he needs me at the school tomorrow? He needs me at the school to do what?
LULU: To help build the sets.
LUKE: I'm not going to help build any sets.
LULU: But –
LUKE: I have a diner to run. I don't have time to build any sets.
LULU: But Lorelai signed you up weeks ago.
LUKE: She did?
LULU: Yes, she did. She signed you up to build the sets and she signed herself up to make the costumes.
LUKE: Oh, I must have forgot about that.
LULU: Yeah. I know you two are having a little trouble, I mean, I saw the boat. But I figured since it was for the kids you'd still be willing to help.
LUKE: Lorelai's still making the costumes?
LULU: Oh, of course she is. A lot of the parents are helping out, with costumes, make-up, lighting, programs –
LUKE: But you've spoken to her recently, and she's going to be there, making the costumes?
LULU: Look, Luke. If it's going to be too hard for you to be in the same space as Lorelai, I totally –
LUKE: No, it's fine. I'll be there.
LULU: You sure?
LUKE: Yeah, I mean, if other people are going to be helping out, I might as well, you know. It's for the kids – I'll see you tomorrow at three, right?
BRADLEY: With your tools.
LUKE: With my tools.
LULU: That's great. Thank you, Luke. The kids'll be thrilled.
LUKE: Well, that's what matters, right?
LULU: Let's go, Bradley.
BRADLEY: I hope he's not late.
LULU: Oh, I hope so too.
[They exit.]
DRAGONFLY INN – KITCHEN
[Lorelai enters, carrying a large bag. Sookie is sitting at the table.]
SOOKIE: No more pork!
LORELAI: Finally, something to put on our business card.
SOOKIE: I'm tired of it. I am out of interesting ways to serve it and I'm not buying it anymore.
LORELAI: Hmm.
SOOKIE: I want another other white meat.
LORELAI: Mugsy raised the price on you again, huh?
SOOKIE: That pig-hoarding bastard.
LORELAI: Well, cut it out for a month. I bet he comes around.
SOOKIE: I guess. Ooo, what's in the bag? [Lorelai opens the bag and displays its contents.] And that is –
LORELAI: A bag of Santa beards.
SOOKIE: Naturally.
LORELAI: I need twenty-five dark beards for Fiddler on the Roof. I drove to four different towns and six different costume shops and this is all I could find. Apparently Lieberman's the only Jew in Connecticut. [Sookie giggles] Hey, can I borrow some tea?
SOOKIE: Why?
LORELAI: I thought I'd use it to dye them.
SOOKIE: Oh, very clever. Up on the shelf.
LORELAI: Thanks.
SOOKIE: So, other than the great beard search, how was your morning?
LORELAI: Fine.
SOOKIE: Yeah? Good! So, what route did you take to work today?
LORELAI: Oh, the usual. You know, Main Street to Oak and then a sharp starboard turn at the marina and four nautical miles to the Inn.
SOOKIE: You saw it.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah.
SOOKIE: Rats.
LORELAI: I saw the back of the boat driving from Weston's, I saw the front of the boat from the bank and then I went upstairs to the post office and I got a nice aerial sh*t of the boat. Basically I took the White House tour of the boat.
SOOKIE: I can't believe Luke did this. I mean, what was he thinking?
LORELAI: I don't know.
SOOKIE: When did he come get it?
LORELAI: Beats me. I didn't notice it gone when I left this morning, so –
SOOKIE: Did he tell you he was going to take it?
LORELAI: No.
SOOKIE: Well, I think that stinks. He's a jerk for pulling something like that.
LORELAI: It's his boat. He can do what he wants with it.
SOOKIE: Not if it's something mean. He can't.
LORELAI: Well, I caused the situation in the first place. I bought the boat. I put it in my garage.
SOOKIE: I know, but he broke your heart and now he's rubbing your face in it.
LORELAI: Geez, I sound pathetic.
SOOKIE: I know!
LORELAI: Look, Sookie, please. You don't have to be mad at Luke. Okay? You don't have to hate him.
SOOKIE: Oh, I don't mind hating him.
LORELAI: I appreciate that, but I don't really want to talk about it anymore. [She picks up the bag of beards.]
SOOKIE: Where are you going? Did I drive you out? I'm sorry! I'll stop talking about it.
LORELAI: No, it's fine. I'm fine, I just have stuff to do. I have costumes to make and beards to convert, so I'll see you later.
SOOKIE: Okay.
[Lorelai leaves.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE – NIGHT
[She pulls the Jeep into the driveway. She walks over to the empty garage. She shakes her head and heads into the house.]
STARS HOLLOW ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
[Lulu is talking to two boys on the stage. Luke walks uncertainly around the curtain.]
LULU: Hey, Luke! We are so glad you to see you.
BRADLEY: You're ten minutes late.
LUKE: Yeah, uh, sorry about that. Hey, I brought my tools.
LULU: Great. Well, this is Damon.
LUKE: Hey there Damon.
DAMON: My mother's a lesbian.
LUKE: Oh. [Pause] I brought my tools.
LULU: And you remember your supervisor, Bradley.
LUKE: Yeah, Bradley. Nice to see you again, Bradley.
LULU: Well, you boys should get started. I'll be right over here if you need my help. Have fun!
LUKE: So, where do we get started, men?
BRADLEY: First we have to build Tevye's house.
LUKE: Okay, we can do that.
BRADLEY: There's plans for the house over here.
LUKE: Uh, yeah. Show me the plans.
[Bradley runs off to get the plans.]
DAMON: Do you know any lesbians?
LUKE: Uh, uh, sure, I do.
DAMON: How many?
LUKE: Three, maybe four.
DAMON: Maybe four?
LUKE: Well, waiting on confirmation.
DAMON: I like lesbians.
LUKE: Yeah, they're, they're swell.
BRADLEY: Here are the plans.
LUKE: Okay, let's see what we got. [Luke looks at the plans.] All right. Looks pretty simple. Looks like the boards are already cut. Okay, let's get started. Uh, everyone grab a Philips-head screwdriver. [The boys dig around in a box.] Okay, once you have your screwdriver – what are you holding? Bradley, that's a hammer.
BRADLEY: It is?
LUKE: Damon, that's tape.
DAMON: Oh.
LUKE: I can't believe this. No one ever taught you what a Philips-head screwdriver is?
DAMON: My mother's a lesbian.
LUKE: Uh-huh, okay. Come here. See, this is a Philips-head screwdriver. And this is a flathead screwdriver. See, ‘cause it's got a –
DAMON and BRADLEY: Flat head!
LUKE: Yes, exactly. Now, we need a Philips-head screwdriver, so go ahead and find that, and we'll get started. Okay? Hurry up, we get done by five, beers are on me.
[Damon and Bradley go back to digging through the box. A woman enters the backstage area.]
CARRIE: Well, well, well, look who Santa stuffed in my stocking.
LUKE: Yeah, Carrie. What a surprise.
CARRIE: Isn't life a scream? My God, you look fantastic. Breakups agree with Luke Danes. Give me a hug. [She throws herself on him, he looks
uncomfortable.]
LUKE: Yeah, easy there, kids are here.
CARRIE [breathy]: So, how are you? I heard all about it. I tell you, that Lorelai is out of her mind. I mean, that's apparent from the outfits alone, but to let one of the last real He-Men go free, she should up that dosage, baby.
LUKE: Carrie, what are you doing here?
CARRIE: Oh, I'm the director, isn't that fabulous? Jenny got me into it.
LUKE: Jenny is your –
CARRIE: My youngest, she's seven. [Hushed] God help her, the spitting image of her father.
LUKE: Yeah, where is she?
CARRIE: Oh, she's hiding under a chair somewhere. She's so odd, that girl. She's always hiding from me.
LUKE: Yeah, crazy. Anyway, I gotta build Tevye's house, here.
CARRIE: Oh, I have to get rehearsals started anyway. It's good to see you Luke, we'll have to catch up later.
LUKE: Yeah, sure, we sure will, Carr. [She goes out onto the stage. Bradley and Damon rejoin Luke.] Don't you ever leave me alone with her again! [They nod.]
CARRIE: Okay, kids. I need my cast right here in the middle of the stage.
Everybody, let's gather right here.
KIRK: Hey, Luke. You're helping out here?
LUKE: Oh, yeah. Sets. How about you?
KIRK: I'm playing Tevye.
LUKE: You're –
CARRIE: Come on, kids. Chop, chop.
KIRK: Excuse me, my director's calling.
CARRIE: Okay, now, before we start rehearsal, I just want to ask, has anybody seen Jenny?
[They all shake their heads.]
CARRIE: Okay, never mind. Now, I need to remind you that I need to know whose mommies and daddies are going to be coming to the show. [Damon waves his hand.] Yes, Damon, I know your mommy's a lesbian, but is she coming to the show? [Damon nods.] Okay, great. And everyone else, I need to know so I can issue your tickets. [Kirk puts up his hand.] Yes, Kirk.
KIRK: My mother's going to be in Florida.
CARRIE: Okay, fine. Everybody else, tell me or Miss Kuschner by the end of the day. Now before we start, does anybody have to go potty? [Several kids, and Kirk, put up their hands.] Well, go now and go fast, we have a lot of work to do.
KIRK: I'll just be two minutes and then it's L'Chaim to Life.
[The kids, and Kirk, run off.]
LUKE: Hey, Lulu?
LULU: Yes?
LUKE: I was just wondering, where are all the other tall people?
LULU: Excuse me?
LUKE: You know, other people to help out with the lighting, the makeup, the costumes.
LULU: Oh, they'll be here. They all come in at different times.
LUKE: Okay, I was just asking. No biggie.
[Kirk and the kids come running back from the bathrooms.]
KIRK: I'm here! I'm done, I flushed.
CARRIE: Good boy, Kirk! Okay, everyone take your places for the top of the show!
LUKE [To Lulu]: What is Kirk doing in the play?
LULU: Oh, we couldn't find a boy who could handle the part.
LUKE: But it's an elementary school play. How hard could the part be?
LULU: Tevye is a very demanding role.
LUKE: But –
LULU: We looked and looked. We even opened up auditions to the scary extension school kids, but nothing. And you know, we had a terrible experience last year when we did Jesus Christ Superstar.
LUKE: Oh, yeah.
LULU: Jesus was allergic to peanuts and stuffed one up his nose and broke out in terrible hives during intermission. The second act was all Judas and Pontius Pilate – pure disaster. We had to refund money, it was a nightmare. So this year, we went with a ringer. [She looks lovingly at Kirk, who has started rehearsing.]
KIRK: A fiddler on the roof? Sounds crazy, no?
LUKE: Oh, boy, does it.
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Sookie gets out of her car.]
SOOKIE: I got ‘em! I'm here!
LORELAI [from the garage]: Oh, great. Get in here.
SOOKIE: I got all the glue and glitter they had.
LORELAI [reading a design magazine]: Perfect.
SOOKIE: So, what are you thinking here?
LORELAI: I don't know. Something colorful, or something peaceful. You know, it could be a Zen sort of space, or a yoga studio. Drew Barrymore has one.
SOOKIE: Oh, and she looks very calm.
LORELAI: Yeah. I just want it to be a special all-me alone place. Here, look in this for ideas.
SOOKIE: Ooo, classic Hollywood homes.
LORELAI: Oh, and look what I found.
SOOKIE: A disco ball! Where'd you find a disco ball?
LORELAI: In my closet.
SOOKIE: Wow. [Her cell phone rings.]
LORELAI: I should have done this years ago.
SOOKIE [answering her phone]: Hello?
[The scene cuts between Lorelai's garage and the front desk at the Dragonfly, where Michel is cleaning his pants with a lint roller.]
MICHEL: I heard a noise in the kitchen.
SOOKIE: What kind of noise?
MICHEL: A ‘bam', or a ‘clang'. Possibly a ‘crash'. It might have a ‘wham' or a ‘kapow'.
SOOKIE: Well, did you go check it out?
MICHEL [Running the lint roller over the top of the computer monitor]: Excuse me, I'm extremely busy. Someone here has to work, I mean, the two of you just run off to do your little decorating project and you leave me here alone.
SOOKIE: Michel! Did you actually hear a noise?
MICHEL: Of course I heard a noise. It was a ‘thwap' or a ‘vroom'.
SOOKIE: Gotta go, Michel. [She hangs up.] Oy.
LORELAI: What's a matter?
SOOKIE: Apparently Batman's attacking the inn.
LORELAI: Hmm. [She holds up a shimmering gold fabric.] Hey, Moulin Rouge, what do you think? Jeweled elephant in one corner, Ewan McGregor in the other.
SOOKIE: Ooo, sounds yummy. [Her phone rings again. She answers it.] What, Michel?
MICHEL: I'm smelling something very funny coming from the kitchen. Could be a pungent cheese, could be arson. Should I call the firemen to come, or should I just fetch some crackers?
[Lorelai and Sookie roll their eyes at each other.]
YALE DORMS – RORY'S COMMON ROOM
[Rory is setting up bowls on the table. Doyle enters.]
DOYLE: Ah, Rory. Good. I'm glad you're here. I wanted to talk to you about something. [He tosses his keys and jacket on the chair.] I think we need to discuss the incident at the Daily News the other day. [He grabs a soda out of the fridge.]
RORY: What incident, Doyle?
DOYLE: We were in the middle of a meeting. I, your editor, was talking, and suddenly, without warning, you flew out of the room.
RORY: I was gone for five minutes, Doyle.
DOYLE: Yes, but the very fact that you felt comfortable enough to leave signals a big problem.
RORY: I had to talk to a friend.
[Doyle sits down on the couch and takes off his shoes.]
DOYLE: This is a matter of respect, Rory. Respect for the paper, respect for me. Frankly, respect for yourself. [He takes off his sock.]
RORY: Doyle –
DOYLE: I have a pebble in my shoe. Damn thing's been driving me crazy all day long. [He pulls the pebble from the sock and places it on the table. Rory looks disgusted.] Anyhow, where was I?
RORY: My lack of respect for you.
DOYLE: Yes, good, thank you. You have to remember that this is college. You're dealing with real life here. You have to start developing boundaries between your work and your personal life.
RORY: Doyle!
DOYLE: What?
RORY: Your sock is on my coffee table!
DOYLE: Just for a second.
RORY: You want to talk about boundaries? You are here every day. You eat my food. You drink my soda. You have a key and you don't even live here.
DOYLE: Paris said ‘mi casa su casa'.
RORY: Great. Well, Paris' casa is right in there, so go in or get lost, because I have company coming, and I don't want the first thing he sees when he walks in to be your feet or your face.
DOYLE: But – but I'm your editor.
RORY: Out! And take your pebble with you!
DOYLE [grumbling while collecting his things]: Bet Woodward and Bernstein never tossed Ben Bradley out of their room.
RORY: Ben Bradley kept his shoes on! [She slams the door.]
LORELAI'S GARAGE
[Michel is up on a ladder, painting. Lorelai and Sookie are sitting and watching.]
MICHEL: I don't know if anyone's noticed, but suddenly I am the only one working.
SOOKIE: You're right, no one noticed.
MICHEL: My arm is cramping up.
LORELAI: We offered to take over, Michel.
MICHEL: These stencils are antiques. They've been handed down from generation to generation of Girards. No one touches these stencils but me.
SOOKIE: Okay.
MICHEL: The fumes are making me sick.
LORELAI: Oh, my God, you had a fit to be included, and you've done nothing but complain since you got here.
MICHEL: I did not have a fit to be included. I have a life. I have plenty of friends. And I dare you to find anyone who has a larger collection of techno and world music than I do. Feel that I need nothing from either one of you.
LORELAI [To Sookie]: Poor Michel.
MICHEL: No, do not ‘poor Michel' me. No.
SOOKIE: Well, I have to say, for only a few hours' work, this place looks pretty snazzy.
MICHEL [climbs down from the ladder]: Ah, I have finished with this wall.
SOOKIE: Super, three more to go.
MICHEL: Well, yes. Sometimes doing one wall makes it the focal point, the place of interest.
LORELAI: All four walls, Michel.
MICHEL: You tricked me into this.
LORELAI: Just like Tom Sawyer.
SOOKIE: So, what do you think? Is it turning into exactly what you had in mind? Your special, all-you, alone place?
LORELAI [sadly]: Yeah. It sure is.
YALE DORMS – HALLWAY
[Marty, carrying trays of hors d'oeuvres, knocks on Rory's door. She opens the door wearing a white curly wig and a top hat.]
RORY: What's up, Doc?
MARTY: What's up Doc?
RORY: Well, Harpo doesn't talk, so there's no catch phrase.
MARTY: Well, then, do Groucho.
RORY: Everybody does Groucho. Come in!
MARTY [looking around] I like what you've done with the place.
[Rory has set up Marx brothers posters on easels around the common room.]
RORY: Well, it's all about the vibe. What'd you bring?
MARTY: Just some leftovers from the Cartina engagement party.
RORY: I told you I would take car of the food.
MARTY: And I see you did.
RORY: Pretzels of the world. San Francisco sourdough, German pumpernickel, chocolate covered Swiss, and the wasabi bites are very intriguing. I also ordered a pizza before you got here.
MARTY: Okay, well, at least we got the food part covered.
RORY: Yes, we do. Sit, sit, sit.
[They sit. There is an awkward silence for a moment.]
MARTY: You going to stay like that all night?
RORY: Oh, no. Sorry. [She takes off the wig and hat.]
MARTY: I mean, you can.
RORY: No, it's okay.
MARTY: I mean, it works for you.
RORY: No, I'm good. [Another awkward pause.] I guess we should start the movie.
MARTY: Okay.
[She turns it on. They sit uncomfortably watching the movie.]
RORY: Wasabi nugget?
MARTY: Thanks. [He grabs a handful, without looking, and shoves them in his mouth. A horrified look crosses his face.]
RORY [concerned]: You in a little bit of pain there?
MARTY [mouth full]: Uh-huh. Much, much more than a little!
RORY: Well, don't worry! Your mouth will get numb in about a minute.
MARTY [mouth full]: I'm really looking forward to that.
RORY: How about a soda?
MARTY [mouth full]: That would be terrific, thanks.
[Rory rushes over to the fridge, as Paris enters the dorm, hurrying to pack a bag.]
PARIS: Oh, thank you very much for kicking my undefined sexual male partner out of the room that we share.
RORY: I had company coming, Paris.
PARIS: You insulted him, you demeaned him. You mad him feel unwelcome.
RORY: He was unwelcome.
PARIS: And now, thanks to you, he refuses to come back here which means I have to spend the night over at his place with his three roommates! The place is a health violation. Things grow on the windowsill without the help of pots or soil and there is the faint aroma of sweat socks and starter cologne lingering in the air at all times, and yes! I have to bring my own toilet paper over there because it is a third world country. Thank you! Very, very much!
[Paris storms out of the dorm. Rory heads back to the couch with a soda for Marty.]
MARTY: God, I missed this place.
[They lean back on the couch.]
STARS HOLLOW ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
[Luke is backstage. The construction is well underway.]
LUKE: Now that is a counter-sunk screw, Damon. Good man. Your lesbian mother will be proud.
[The boys run off. Luke grabs Lulu as she walks by.]
LUKE: Oh, hey. Lulu. It's a big day, you know?
LULU: I know. It's so exciting.
LUKE: Yeah. But, uh, I'm still wondering where the other adults are.
LULU: They'll be here.
LUKE: Yeah, you've been saying that for days and I'm still the only person in here that doesn't have to hang his sheets out the window in the morning.
LULU: I don't understand.
LUKE: They wet their beds, Lulu.
LULU: Oh, right. Well, I promise you, Luke. By tonight, there'll be lots of grownups here for you to talk to.
LUKE: It's not about having someone to talk to, it's –
KIRK: Luke, we've got a problem.
LUKE: Yeah, what is it, Kirk?
KIRK: Well, this dairy cart you made me –
LUKE: What's wrong with it?
KIRK [lifting the handles]: It pulls too easily and the wheel doesn't wobble.
LUKE: So what?
KIRK: Well, it's too good. You built me a twenty-first century dairy cart.
LUKE: There's no such thing as a twenty-first century dairy cart.
KIRK: Exactly. Look, Tevye's a poor man. You've heard the song.
LUKE: Yes, I've heard the song, Kirk.
KIRK: Okay, so he's poor. He's tired. He's suffering, and his horse is lame. His life is hard, so pulling this cart should be hard.
LUKE: You're an actor. Pretend it's hard.
KIRK: I'm not that kind of actor. For my type of work, it has to be
legitimately hard.
[Luke kicks the cart and breaks the wheel.]
LUKE: There you go. Remember to thank me in your acceptance speech. [Luke leaves.]
KIRK: Thank you, Luke. [He tries to push the cart. He seems impressed.] Hey, this is impossible!
CARRIE: All right, kids, break's over! Kirk, let's take it from the last part of your first monologue. All right, places, everyone! [The kids run to their places in the wings.] And – music.
[The music starts.]
KIRK: Because of our traditions, we've kept our balance for many, many years. Here, in Anatevka, we have traditions for everything. How to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered, and always wear a little prayer shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradition start? I'll tell you. I don't know. But it's a tradition.
[The kids start dancing onto the stage.]
KIRK: Because of our traditions, everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do.
[They start singing.]
EVERYONE: Who, day and night, must scramble for a living? Feed his wife and children? Say his daily prayers? And who has the right, as master of the house, to have the final word at home. The papa, the papa! Tradition! The papa, the papa! Tradition!
[They start dancing around again. A girl stumbles a little.]
LUKE [rushing onto the stage]: Hey, she tripped! Yente tripped!
KIRK: Damn it! I was feeling it, people! I was feeling it!
LULU: Anna, honey, are you okay?
LUKE: No, she's not okay! She tripped!
CARRIE: She's fine, Luke.
LUKE: How would you know if she's fine? Your kid's under a chair somewhere.
LULU: Luke –
LUKE: Her costume doesn't fit.
LULU: We'll fix it before the show!
LUKE: It should've been fixed by now! I mean, this shouldn't have happened! There were supposed to be other adults here! This is ridiculous! This is completely unacceptable! [He storms off the stage.]
KIRK: He takes his work very seriously. I mean it. Just try and pull this cart.
LORELAI'S GARAGE
[Luke's truck pulls into the driveway. He slams the door of his truck as he gets out. Lorelai is putting appliqué flowers on the wall. Luke approaches her.]
LUKE: Hey.
LORELAI: Hey. Luke, what are you –
LUKE: Yente tripped!
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: She tripped, just as she was heading out to tell Avram about Ruchel.
LORELAI: The shoemaker's daughter?
LUKE: Yeah, she's trying to fix him up with Avram's son.
LORELAI: She's almost blind, she can hardly see.
LUKE: Hey, I am not doing a bit with you here. The kid tripped, because her dress was too long!
LORELAI: Okay, is she hurt?
LUKE: Of course she's not hurt, but she completely blew her entrance. All the people of Anatevka are standing around with their goats, she tripped and they have to reset the goats!
LORELAI: Luke –
LUKE: And if you were there where you were supposed to be, her costume would've fit, and Yente wouldn't have tripped.
LORELAI [getting mad]: What do you mean, where I was supposed to be?
LUKE: You're making the costumes. At least that's the rumor. I'm making the sets, and I'm there.
LORELAI: Yeah. I am making the costumes. I'm making the costumes here and then I'm bringing them there when they are done.
LUKE: Oh, sure. A likely story.
LORELAI: Hey, what is your problem?
LUKE: My problem is that I'm spending the day teaching a bunch of kids to use tools which won't properly fit in their hands for another eight to ten years, because you signed me up to do it, and then you're not even there when you're supposed to be!
LORELAI: Well, you could've said no.
LUKE: I could've said no. Have you tried saying no to Bradley when he's got a giant inhaler shoved in his mouth?
LORELAI: No.
LUKE: Well you can't! [He notices the decorated garage.] What the hell am I looking at?
LORELAI: It's my new special alone space.
LUKE: Oh, yeah? Well, you got a whole house of special alone space.
LORELAI [hurt]: Not like this.
LUKE: So, what, are you going to hang out in your garage, now?
LORELAI: I don't know, maybe! I mean, why not? It's not like I have a boat that needs storage, or anything!
LUKE: You could park your car in here.
LORELAI: I never park my car in here! I have never, ever parked my car in here, Luke! And you know that! But I come home to this big, huge, suddenly empty space, and I thought I would try to do something nice, so it wasn't just a giant hole of depression sitting out here!
LUKE: I thought I was doing you a favor.
LORELAI: Oh, please.
LUKE: I did!
LORELAI: Well, gee, thanks a lot.
LUKE: It's your garage!
LORELAI: Whatever.
LUKE: I mean, what was I supposed to do, leave the thing in here forever?
LORELAI: Oh, no. Absolutely not. Much better to sneak it out of here and park it in front of the diner like a giant "they broke up" billboard for the whole town to see.
LUKE: I didn't mean it like that.
LORELAI: Well, how did you mean it, Luke?
LUKE: I can't believe you're mad at me for getting my boat out of your garage!
LORELAI: I'm not mad at you for getting your boat out of my garage. I'm mad at you for the way you got the boat out of my garage.
LUKE: What, did I ruin the lawn?
LORELAI: You didn't even call me, Luke. You didn't leave a message or a note or anything. You just snuck in and took it, and I got to come home and find it gone. Although, I didn't come home and find it gone! I drove by the diner and assumed it was gone! You know what, it doesn't matter. ‘Cause it's done. We're done. It's fine. I'm not mad.
LUKE: I can tell.
LORELAI: Well, I have dresses to make, so I'll see you at the theater. [She walks to the house.]
[Luke shakes his head.]
YALE DORMS - RORY'S COMMON ROOM
[Rory and Marty are watching a movie. They appear much more comfortable than they were. Rory's legs are in Marty's lap.]
MARTY: I am going to say something that will upset possibly everyone in the entire world.
RORY: Wow.
MARTY: I thought the I Love Lucy episode with Harpo Marx was lame.
RORY [gasps]: Get out.
MARTY: There's no way Harpo even for a second would have believed he was looking in a mirror. And the last time they made that ‘popping up from behind the partition' move, Lucy was totally slower than him.
RORY: You've carried this with you for a very long time.
MARTY: I mean, we had to believe a lot during those Hollywood shows. Dori Shary just happened to be hanging out in their pool. And I'm sorry, I was totally with Lucy when Ricky took those women to the premiere of his movie. What an ass.
RORY: You've got to stop watching I Love Lucy.
[They hear someone knock on the door.]
MARTY: Oh, man, I hope that's Paris. Maybe she and Doyle had a fight. That would be great.
RORY [getting up]: There's so much darkness under this bosom buddies exterior of yours. [She opens the door.]
LOGAN: Hello stranger.
RORY: Hi. You're back.
LOGAN: Just rolled in.
RORY: So, how was it? Was it fun?
LOGAN: No, very dull. Let's not talk about it. We're all going to China
Palace for food. Grab your coat, let's go.
RORY: Oh, um. I can't.
LOGAN: What? Sure you can. Come on. I missed you, let me buy you a fortune cookie.
RORY: I kind of have company.
LOGAN: Really, anyone I know? [He looks in over Rory's shoulder. Marty stands up.] Hey, Marty, good to see you.
MARTY: Uh, yeah. You too.
LOGAN: Well, you come too. The more the merrier.
RORY: Oh, well –
LOGAN: Come on, Marty. If you're going to be hanging with Ace like this, it's time I get to know you without a waiter's uniform on. Let's go. Car's waiting outside. [He leaves.]
RORY: We do not have to go.
MARTY: But you want to.
RORY: No. Well, I mean, if you do. But you don't, so forget it.
MARTY: Uh, it's cool. Let's go.
RORY: Really? Are you sure? Because you don't look sure.
MARTY: Sure. I'm sure. Car's waiting outside.
RORY: Okay. But if we get bored, or if Dori Shary happens to be there then we bail.
MARTY: Deal.
RORY: Okay, I'll get my coat.
[Marty takes a deep breath.]
CHINA PALACE
[The group is laughing and talking.]
LOGAN: I swear, I thought he was never going to wake up.
COLIN: If I knew the hangover was going to last that long I wouldn't have.
ROSEMARY: There's nothing like a ‘you wouldn't believe how drunk I was' story to get the girls all hot.
COLIN: It always worked before.
JULIET: Oh, God, the smell of this food is making me ill.
RORY: Mmm, I think it's delicious.
JULIET: How can you eat like that?
ROSEMARY: Juliet hasn't eaten a meal since 1994.
JULIET: My metabolism simply doesn't accept food.
LOGAN: Yes, that must be it. A modern medical miracle. May I? [He pours some of his beer into Rory's glass.]
RORY: Sure. Hey, Marty, do you want some beer?
LOGAN: Here you go, man. I got you. [He pours.]
MARTY: Thanks.
FINN: Rosemary's going home with me tonight. I just thought everyone at this table should know.
ROSEMARY: Oh, Finn, you do hallucinate.
JULIET: Are you going to eat that fried shrimp?
RORY: I think I am.
JULIET: Oh, God, can I watch?
LOGAN: Juliet, just eat something!
JULIET: No! I am not eating until I get married to some gorgeous but very poor man who will sign an iron-clad pre-nup and get very, very fat, but he won't ever leave me because he would be cut off without a penny and die in a trailer park.
FINN: My God, that is brilliant.
ROSEMARY: That is sick.
FINN: I agree with anything Rosemary says tonight.
ROSEMARY: Not going home with you, Finn.
[Logan starts twirling Rory's hair.]
COLIN: You know where they had the best Chinese food in the world? This tiny little place outside of Zugerberg.
LOGAN: Aw, Zugerberg.
FINN: The golden days of Zugerberg.
MARTY: What's Zugerberg?
COLIN: Zugerberg is the boarding school I went to in Switzerland.
RORY: Really?
COLIN: Yep. Grade seven through twelve.
RORY: Wow. Living in Switzerland? That sounds exciting.
MARTY: Boarding school. Man, that must've sucked.
COLIN: Sucked? Are you kidding? Those are the greatest days of my life. Oh my God, the partying that went on there. Insane.
LOGAN: I did a year at Andover. Not bad.
MARTY: So you didn't miss your home, your family?
COLIN: My family? Did I miss my family? [chuckling] Logan, did I miss my family?
LOGAN: Huh, let's see. Which mom were you on then?
COLIN: I believe it was the blonde.
LOGAN: Ah, yes.
FINN: She was hot.
COLIN: You didn't know her, Finn.
FINN: All your mothers have been hot, Colin.
COLIN: No, Marty, I didn't miss my family.
[They all laugh.]
STARS HOLLOW ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
[The play is going on.]
BOY: Tevye. I suppose you know why I've come to see you.
KIRK: Yes, I do, Rabbi Lazar, but there's no use talking about it.
BOY: Why not?
KIRK: Why yes? Why should I get rid of her?
BOY: Well, you have a few more without her.
KIRK: I see. Today you want one, tomorrow you may want two.
[BACKSTAGE, Lorelai is fixing a costume.]
LORELAI [hushed]: Hold still, hold still. Looks good. There you go. Now, no more bottle butting till the show's over.
[Luke brings out a chair and gives it to a child.]
LUKE: Here you go, Paulie. Sneak that out there when they start dancing.
[ONSTAGE]
KIRK: Why is it so important to you?
BOY: Frankly, because I'm lonesome.
KIRK: Lonesome? What are you talking about?
BOY: You don't know?
KIRK: We're talking about my new cow! The one you want to buy from me.
[BACKSTAGE, Carrie has approached Luke. She stands next to him and pinches his butt.]
LUKE [thr*at]: I've got a hammer.
CARRIE: Oh, I know you do.
[ONSTAGE]
BOY: A milk cow? So I won't get lonesome? [laughs]
KIRK: What's so funny?
BOY: I was talking about your daughter.
[BACKSTAGE, Luke and Lorelai look at each other. They each seem about to say something. Lulu hurries over.]
LULU: I need that schwanza.
LORELAI: Oh, I got it. I got it.
LULU: Sarah – where'd Sarah go?
LORELAI: Relax, we'll find her.
[Lorelai goes with Lulu.]
CHINA PALACE
[They are finished eating.]
LOGAN: Okay, the night's young. Where are we going next?
RORY: I don't think I can move.
JULIET: You're full?
RORY: I'm full.
JULIET: Is it fabulous?
RORY: You know, Juliet, it doesn't suck.
FINN: Let's go to the Alligator Lounge.
LOGAN: Yes. Perfect. Zydeco music. You'll love this place.
RORY: Well, I –
LOGAN: What do you say, Marty? You up for a little Cajun craziness?
MARTY: Uh, I –
COLIN: Okay. I got it. Everybody owes seventy-five bucks. Pony up, please, so we can get the hell out of here.
MARTY: Seventy-five?
LOGAN [to Rory]: I got you.
RORY: Okay. [to Marty] Are you okay? Do you have enough?
MARTY: Uh, I don't –
LOGAN: Hey, don't sweat it, man. I can cover you, too.
MARTY: No thanks.
LOGAN: It's no big deal. I invited you. My treat.
MARTY: It's okay. [He gets up.] I just need to find an ATM. I'll be right back. [He leaves.]
RORY: Marty –
COLIN: An ATM. My, how quaint.
RORY: I'll be right back.
LOGAN: You okay?
RORY: Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine. I just – I think I remember seeing a bank across the street, so I'll go catch Marty.
[She leaves. Logan glares at Colin.]
CHINA PALACE – OUTSIDE
[Rory comes outside. She sees Marty standing with his hands in his pockets, looking at the sidewalk.]
RORY: You couldn't find an ATM?
MARTY: Oh, no, there's at least six ATM's within a two block radius. And every single one of them is going to tell me that I only have eighteen dollars in my account. And then I believe they will flip me off.
RORY: Well, I think some of the more reputable banks have suspended their
flipping off policies.
MARTY: I can't go back in there. I can't leave. So here I stand, frozen on the sidewalk.
RORY: Here. I have some money.
MARTY: No.
RORY: Marty, just take it.
MARTY: I'm not going to take your money.
RORY: Well, you're not going to just stand out here for the rest of the night.
MARTY: Well, why not?
RORY: Because. At the very least, when all those guys come out of the restaurant, they'll see you. Come on. Please, Marty. Look, just say you found an ATM, take the money, we'll go inside, you'll hand it to the guys, and then we'll leave. You and me.
MARTY: What about the Zydeco club?
RORY: Well, I've never felt the need for Zydeco before in my life. No need to change that now. Come on, please?
[Marty accepts the money that Rory is holding out.]
MARTY: Yeah. And I thought getting pantsed at the prom was going to be the low point in my life.
[Rory comforts him as they walk back inside.]
STARS HOLLOW ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
[The play is still going on. Kirk is onstage with his "wife". They are singing.]
KIRK: Do you love me?
GOLDE: Do I what?
KIRK: Do you love me?
GOLDE: Do I love you? With our daughters getting married, and the trouble in the town, you're upset, you're worn out, go inside, go lie down! Maybe it's indigestion.
KIRK: Golde, I'm asking you a question.
[Backstage, Luke is putting the finishing touches on a cart. Lorelai has just finished repairing a costume.]
LUKE [to kid]: Okay, go.
[They both take a moment to watch the duet.]
KIRK: Do you love me?
GOLDE: I'm your wife!
KIRK: I know! But do you love me?
GOLDE: Do I love him? For twenty-five years I've lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. Twenty-five years my bed is his. If that's not love, what is?
[Backstage, Lorelai looks close to tears. She nearly glances at Luke.]
KIRK: Then you love me?
GOLDE: I suppose I do.
KIRK: And I suppose I love you too.
KIRK and GOLDE: It doesn't change a thing, but even so, after twenty-five years, it's nice to know.
[Applause. Backstage, Lorelai applauds and she and Luke look at each other. They turn toward each other, as if to begin a conversation. Just then, the children rush toward the stage for the next scene, right between Luke and Lorelai. A child pulls Luke over to Kirk's dairy cart. The moment is over.]
YALE CAMPUS
[Marty is walking Rory home.]
MARTY: I'll pay you back next weekend.
RORY: Marty, please forget about it.
MARTY: I work a party Saturday night. I'll pay you on Sunday. There's a possibility it may all be in ones, but –
RORY [grabs his arm]: I'm really sorry about tonight.
MARTY: No need to apologize.
[They arrive at her door.]
RORY: You want to come in? We still have a few movies left to watch.
MARTY: Rory, I feel like I really need to tell you something.
RORY: Okay.
MARTY: Um, I know we're friends. [He smiles.] And I'm glad we're friends. But I don't want to be just friends anymore. I like you.
RORY: I like – Logan.
MARTY: Yeah. I figured.
RORY: I don't know why.
MARTY: Really? ‘Cause I've got a few guesses.
RORY: I'm sorry. Um, I don't know what to say.
MARTY: It's okay. You don't have to say anything.
RORY: Are we still friends? Please say that we're still friends.
MARTY: Sure. We're still friends.
RORY: Please come back in. We can watch Duck Soup again. Please?
MARTY: I don't really want to watch Duck Soup right now, Rory. I really like Duck Soup, so I really don't want to associate it with this particular night.
RORY: I understand.
MARTY: Yeah. [He sighs and heads up the stairs. He stops halfway.] I'll pay you back next weekend.
RORY: Okay.
[Rory watches him continue up the stairs.]
YALE DORMS – RORY'S BEDROOM – LATER
[Rory is lying in bed. She hears a knocking on the window. She puts her book away, gets up and opens the blinds. It is Logan. She opens the window.]
LOGAN: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
LOGAN: Can I? [He gestures inside.]
RORY: Yeah, sure.
[Logan climbs in the window and closes it.]
LOGAN: Huh. That move always seems cooler in the movies.
RORY: No, I think you maneuver your way through a window quite gracefully.
LOGAN: Thank you.
RORY: I assume you've had practice.
LOGAN: No, first time.
RORY: I'm sure. [He strokes her arm.] So, how was the Zydeco music?
LOGAN: Ah, I left when Finn jumped in on vocals.
RORY: Excellent self-preservational instinct.
LOGAN: I just wanted to make sure you got home okay.
RORY: Oh, yeah, I got home okay.
LOGAN: So I see.
RORY: Thanks for the concern, I appreciate it.
LOGAN: It wasn't all concern.
RORY: Oh, really?
LOGAN: No. I don't believe I said a proper goodnight to you this evening.
RORY: No, you didn't.
LOGAN: Good night, Ace.
[They kiss.]
RORY: I thought you said a proper goodnight.
[She takes off his jacket as they kiss again.]
LOGAN: You want to get changed into something more comfortable?
RORY: More comfortable than this?
LOGAN: I actually was hoping for some feetsie pajamas.
RORY: Oh, now you know I'm not that kind of girl.
[They kiss again, more passionately.]
LOGAN: Do you want me to go?
[She kisses him.]
LOGAN: Rory, do you want me to go?
RORY: No.
LOGAN: Okay, ‘cause if you think climbing in that window was hard –
RORY: Shh.
[She pulls him down onto the bed.]
__________END___________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x15 - Jews & Chinese Food"} | foreverdreaming |
[Episode opens with scenes from previous episodes.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[At the front door, Lorelai is receiving her mail from the mailman.]
LORELAI: Thanks, Skip! Love that you're back in shorts. Missed those stems of yours, baby. [She closes the door and sorts through her mail.] Now, come on.
[She picks up the phone and dials. Rory answers.]
RORY: Hello?
LORELAI: Yeah, we've got to talk mail.
RORY: Not again.
LORELAI: It's all for you. Every piece. How can that be? You only half live
here.
[Scene cuts between Rory's dorm and Lorelai's living room.]
RORY: This mail envy of yours is not pretty.
LORELAI: Catalogues, business solicitations, credit card offers, oh! And for me, some more stupid Greenpeace return address labels.
RORY: Well, you are the environmental philanthropist in the family.
LORELAI: Well, I feel very badly for the planet right now.
RORY: Hey, you called my cell.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: Well, I told you to call my land line. My cell phone bill is astronomical.
LORELAI: But a conversation with me, priceless. [She continues sorting the mail, then holds up a postcard.] Oh, joy.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Well, I did get a piece of mail. The temple of Apollo.
RORY: Grandma still hitting you with the postcards, huh?
LORELAI: As if nothing even remotely unpleasant happened between us. How does she do that? Compartmentalize like that? It's weird. She's the serial k*ller who goes to work and talks about a funny Seinfeld he saw and then goes home and cooks himself a man-flesh sandwich.
RORY: Ew.
LORELAI: Let's see how her trip has been since the last card. [Pretends to read] Dear Lorelai, kicked a dog then punched a gypsy in the groin. Oh, that's nice.
RORY: Mom –
LORELAI [continuing her bit]: Complained about the foie gras to a waiter whose yearly pay is less than I spend monthly on silver polish, then kicked another dog.
RORY: Come on.
LORELAI: Tripped a nun, then b*rned down an orphanage.
RORY: Sounds like a busy itinerary.
LORELAI: And the sun sets on Apollo. [She rips the postcard in half.]
RORY: At least you don't get the nothing said all about it reminders about Friday night dinner.
LORELAI: She's putting her hooks in you, huh?
RORY: Yeah, three cards in a row, reminding me in no uncertain terms that they'll see me soon.
LORELAI: Well, she's smart enough not to do that to me.
RORY: Well, I'm mad at her too, you know. Just for the record.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: Anything else?
LORELAI: Whoa. One minute of talk, and then I get the bum's rush?
RORY: I'm right in the middle of studying.
LORELAI: I gotta pop out of an envelope for you to have an interest in me?
RORY: I'll be home Friday. We'll eat, we'll talk, we'll laugh. What a time we'll have.
LORELAI: Skip's back in shorts.
RORY: I am not wasting cell phone minutes on Skip's shorts!
LORELAI: It's the Reno 911 short shorts. Ooh, disturbing.
RORY: I'm hanging up now.
LORELAI: Fine. So Friday?
RORY: Friday. Bye.
LORELAI: Bye-bye.
OPENING CREDITS
LUKE'S DINER
[Luke bangs the coffee pot down on the coffeemaker. He picks up a plate of food, carries it to a table, bashing into a waiter on his way, and clatters it down in front of a customer. Lane walks over to Zach, who is sitting, reading a magazine, with his feet up on another chair.]
LANE: Sit up.
ZACH: Huh?
LANE: Sit up and feet off the chair.
ZACH: What's with being a Chilean dictator dude?
LANE: Luke is on a tear, so this is for your own protection.
ZACH: He's always on a tear.
LANE: This is different! And you have to pay today.
ZACH: For the ice-cold, undercooked fries? I don't think so.
LANE: Zach, please! [She kicks his feet off the chair.]
ZACH: Ow!
LANE: I do this because I care for you. You know I care for you, right?
ZACH: Yeah. Gosh.
CUSTOMER: Excuse me, miss?
LANE: Can I help you?
CUSTOMER: Sorry to be a pest, but I asked for my omelette soft. This is way overdone.
LANE: Shh. Not so loud.
[Luke storms over and opens the door.]
CUSTOMER: You should probably make me another –
[He is cut off as Luke grabs him under the arms and throws him into the street. He proceeds to slam the door.]
LUKE: How's everyone else's eggs, huh?
REMAINING CUSTOMERS: Great.
[Luke stares at Zach. Zach un-crumples some bills and places them on the table.]
ZACH: That's all I've got, man.
[Luke glares and heads back to the counter.]
ZACH [to Lane]: His eyes. Red, like the fires of Mordor.
LANE: Go, go. I'll see you later, and keep low! [Zach leaves.] How are you doing, Kirk?
KIRK: Great. I'm loving this blackened Cajun bread Luke made for me. I didn't even ask for it.
LANE: That's burnt toast, Kirk. You don't have to eat it.
KIRK: But I'm loving it! And look. [He scrapes some toast crumbs onto his food.] I've been mixing blackened ash with the runny eggs. Goes great with the fishy tasting bacon.
LANE: Glad you like it.
LUKE: Order's up!
LANE [picking up the plate]: Uh, Luke?
LUKE: What?
LANE: Um, I know you're really busy back there – Is that the door to the oven?
LUKE: It fell off when I kicked it. Something wrong?
LANE: Well, I needed a side of hash browns for table three, and I'm really, really sorry, but this is hash. I think. I mean, it's hash-like.
LUKE: They'll eat it.
LANE: They might, or they might go have breakfast at Weston's like the lady with the walker you threw out about an hour ago.
LUKE: So, let ‘em go to Weston's. [Shouting] Huh? All of you! If you can eat ceramic cow creamers and kitty cat salt and pepper shakers and stupid little flowers drawn in powdered sugar on your plate, then that's where you belong anyway! [Some customers get up and leave.]
LANE [to Kirk]: Unidentified breakfast food, on the house?
KIRK: Terriff. [He takes the plate from her.]
DRAGONFLY INN – FRONT DESK
[Lorelai is on the phone. As she is talking, Sookie comes in.]
LORELAI: No, I don't understand. Well, yes, of course I'll hold. I thought you'd never ask.
SOOKIE: How's your reservation book looking?
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: Are we booked up, half full, kinda light?
LORELAI: For when?
SOOKIE: Next two to three months.
LORELAI: Um, we're fairly booked. I'd say eighty, ninety percent.
SOOKIE: Eighty, ninety percent! Now, did they seem hungry?
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: Oh, and where are they from? Any from Jersey? People from Jersey love my Chinese chicken salad. Any Texans? Oh, any from France?
LORELAI [on the phone]: Yes, I'm still here. Yes, great. [On hold again] What's the panic, Sookie?
SOOKIE: What's the panic? I'm giving birth!
LORELAI: Right now?
SOOKIE: No, not right now, but eventually. And when I do, I'll have to have all the menus made out, and a food order put in, and a backup plan, in case there's a bad tomato crop, or if Oprah decides to get mad at beef again.
LORELAI: Hello, Blaine! Yes, you were about to explain to me the reason you once again raised our premium here. [Pause] Uh-huh. Those were all very small claims due to the snow, and – right. Well, who else would we come to, but our trusty insurance agent. Guy. Stud. Pick the appropriate term and insert here. Now. Eh – yes, well, of course. Holding's one of my great pleasures.
SOOKIE: Problem?
LORELAI: The charmers at our insurance agency get mad when you try to claim something.
SOOKIE: The s*ab roof.
LORELAI: Yes, and – and now I've been disconnected. Coincidence? I think not.
SOOKIE [Pointing at the computer]: Have people made dinner reservations?
LORELAI: Be my guest.
SOOKIE: Okay.
[The phone rings.]
LORELAI: Dragonfly Inn, Lorelai speaking.
EMILY: Lorelai, it's your mother, I –
[She is cut off as Lorelai hangs up the phone.]
SOOKIE: Hey, we've got vegetarians in April! What, were you hiding them?
LORELAI: Yes, I'm evil that way.
[The phone rings again.]
LORELAI: Dragonfly Inn, Lorelai speaking.
EMILY: Lorelai, you just hung up –
[Lorelai hangs up again.]
LORELAI: Hey, so who do you think will take over while you're gone?
SOOKIE: I was thinking about Chantelle.
LORELAI: The one who got her face caught in the mixer?
SOOKIE: She's better now. She just got her new nostril last week.
LORELAI: That's good.
[The phone rings.]
LORELAI: Dragonfly Inn.
RICHARD: Ah, yes. Lorelai. It's your father.
LORELAI: Oh, Dad! How was your trip?
RICHARD: Fine, Lorelai. Thank you very much.
LORELAI: And the flight back?
RICHARD: Very smooth.
LORELAI: Smooth is good.
RICHARD: Actually, your mother wanted to talk to you for a moment. [He hands the phone to Emily.]
EMILY: Hello, Lorelai, I –
[Lorelai hangs up the phone.]
LORELAI: Hey, do you have any of that really great braised lamb risotto thing leftover from last night?
SOOKIE: I think so, why?
LORELAI: Well, since I'm not going to Friday night dinner tonight or ever again, and I'm not in the mood for pizza, I thought I'd have a little fancy food with my movie.
SOOKIE: You're going to a movie!
LORELAI: I Netflixed all three ‘A Star is Born's.
SOOKIE: Janet, Judy and Babs.
LORELAI: The holy trinity. I thought I'd hunker down with some fabulous food and watch all the men that got away.
SOOKIE: What? No, you can't do that!
LORELAI: Why not?
SOOKIE: Because! Look, I'm worried about you.
LORELAI: Why?
SOOKIE: Just because you don't have someone in your life right now –
LORELAI: Meaning Luke.
SOOKIE: And your parents, and your Friday night dinners, and Rory's off at college –
LORELAI: I do, however, have my original nostril.
SOOKIE: You can't use that as an excuse to become couch potato girl.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
SOOKIE: Sitting at home. Ordering take-out. Watching television night after night.
LORELAI: That's what I've always done. I was couch potato girl even when I had a guy. And Friday night dinner. And, by the way, the entire time Rory was growing up.
SOOKIE: Yes, but now it's pathetic.
LORELAI: Well, just a little.
SOOKIE: You are not sitting home tonight! We are going out!
LORELAI: We are?
SOOKIE: Girl's night out, just you and me. Oh, it'll be fun. Big excitement, big hair! We'll get all dolled up and paint the town!
LORELAI: But –
SOOKIE: I am coming to your house tonight, at seven o'clock sharp, and I am taking you out, and you better look hot! You hear me?
LORELAI: Yes I do.
SOOKIE [giggles]: Good.
LORELAI: But remember, I don't put out unless I get dinner.
SOOKIE [heading back to the kitchen]: I know. I saw your bumper sticker.
[She leaves.]
YALE CAMPUS
[Rory is placing her order at a coffee cart.]
RORY: Hi. I'd like a large caramel macchiato with an extra sh*t and whip cream, please.
COFFEE BOY: Coming up.
RORY: Wait, hold on. How much is that?
COFFEE BOY: Four eighty-five.
RORY: Okay, better drop the extra sh*t. What does that make it?
COFFEE BOY: Four twenty.
RORY: Better make it a small. What does that make it?
COFFEE BOY: Three thirty.
RORY: Better drop the whip cream. What does that make it?
COFFEE BOY: Less calories.
RORY: Just a plain old small coffee, please. [She turns around and drops her change all over the ground.] D'oh.
[She crouches down. Logan stops to help her pick up the coins.]
LOGAN: This would definitely qualify as a cute meet if we hadn't already met.
RORY: Logan. Hey. This is nice and embarassing.
LOGAN: Are we going after the rollers? A couple of them are headed into the bushes.
RORY: No, I think I've supplied people with a sufficient amount of silly images of me for one day.
LOGAN: Small coffee for me, and put the lady's on my tab too.
RORY: No, Logan, you don't have to do that.
LOGAN: Ace, I can't take a chance of you pulling out that purse again. Someone might get hurt. [He pays for the coffee.]
RORY: Okay, well, thank you.
LOGAN: So I stopped by the paper the other day to see you.
RORY: Really?
LOGAN: And then I tried to sneak out when I realized you weren't there. But our omnipresent editor cornered me. Does Doyle ever leave that place?
RORY: Unfortunately yes, otherwise I would be denied the regular pleasure of seeing him in Property of Alcatraz pajama pants.
LOGAN: Thanks for the image. Hey, come here. [He pulls her into a corner.]
RORY: What are you doing?
[They kiss.]
RORY: So that's what you're doing.
LOGAN: What'd you think I was doing?
[They kiss again. Rory turns away.]
RORY: People will see.
LOGAN: I don't care if people see.
RORY: A professor will see you, and he'll take advantage of the fact that you're distracted and pull you in, make you take a midterm.
LOGAN: I'm done with them.
RORY: With your midterms?
LOGAN: I already took the ones I couldn't get out of.
RORY: Then why are you here? You're going off skiing, aren't you?
LOGAN: I just have to drop off a paper for my ethics class by eleven thirty and then I'm off.
RORY: It's eleven twenty-five.
LOGAN: So we're swimming in time.
[He pulls her in to kiss her again. Rory breaks away.]
LOGAN: What are you doing?
RORY [reaching into his bookbag]: I want to see your paper.
LOGAN: Your mind is a mysterious thing.
RORY: Come on. I'm dying to know what your take on ethics is. For instance, are you for it or against it?
LOGAN: No way. It's too dangerous.
RORY: Dangerous?
LOGAN: I actually worked on this thing. It goes from my hand to the professor's.
RORY: Like I'm going to lose it.
LOGAN: I saw you with your coins, plus let's remember Hemingway.
RORY: What about him?
LOGAN: Trusted that wife of his with the only copy he had of the novel he was working on. The silly woman lost it.
RORY: Not so. I know the story. Hemingway left it on a plane. His wife had nothing to do with it.
LOGAN: That's not the way I heard it.
RORY: Well, you heard it wrong.
LOGAN: How much you want to bet?
RORY: All the money in my purse, plus a million dollars.
LOGAN: Well, my spelling stinks. Take my word for it.
[He kisses her again.]
RORY: You'll call me from the cabin?
LOGAN: Absolutely.
RORY: Thanks for the coffee.
LOGAN: Anytime. Better have that million bucks ready when I get back, and I don't accept coins.
RORY: No promises.
[They head off in different directions.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is in the kitchen, making coffee. We hear Rory come in the front door.]
RORY [OS]: Hello!
LORELAI: Kitchen!
RORY [OS]: Ow! Rat bastard!
LORELAI: Are you okay?
RORY [OS]: Give me a hand!
[Lorelai starts clapping as Rory enters the kitchen pulling several large laundry bags.]
RORY: Okay, Bob Hope's laughing in heaven, but I'm not.
LORELAI: Bob Hope got into heaven?
RORY: Please grab a bag.
LORELAI: This cannot all be laundry.
RORY: It's all laundry. The machine's fixed, right?
LORELAI: Yes, humming like new. Which one's the rat bastard?
RORY [pointing]: That one.
LORELAI [kicks the laundry bag]: Take that! And that!
RORY: Okay, he's had enough! I want to get a load going before I go to Grandma's.
LORELAI: Good idea.
[Rory exits out the back door, then comes back in.]
RORY: Hey, you're using it!
LORELAI: Yes, I know.
RORY: Well, but I had dibs.
LORELAI: No, you didn't call dibs.
RORY: I'm a college student coming home on Spring Break. That implies dibs on the washer and drier.
LORELAI: There's no implied dibs in dibs. If you don't call it, you don't get it.
[Rory goes back outside.]
RORY [OS]: Well, this is just wrong!
LORELAI: What?
[Rory comes back in.]
RORY: You're washing two socks!
LORELAI: Well, they were dirty.
RORY: That's wasteful.
LORELAI: I really wanted to wear them tonight.
RORY: They are your dancing Santa Claus socks. You're not going to wear those for another ten months.
LORELAI: No, I can wear them eccentrically any time I want!
RORY: Well, then you're going to have to put one of my loads I while I'm gone.
LORELAI: And risk a hernia?
RORY: I'll never finish otherwise!
LORELAI: I'll do two loads. How's that?
RORY: Thank you. All right, I've got to take off.
LORELAI: Okay. Drive safe, and you've got gas, right?
RORY: Yeah, I've got gas.
LORELAI: Okay. Enough gas to get to Hartford?
RORY: I think so. Why?
LORELAI: Oh, well, because I've got a twenty – ah! A twenty! On the fridge, here! Look! Oh, here it is. I'm not going to use it. You should use it for gas.
RORY: Is it that obvious I'm broke?
LORELAI: Well, you mentioned the minutes on your cell phone, a hint of panic in your voice, and now the months of saved up laundry.
RORY: Well, there are just no good jobs at Yale right now, and I'd take anything. Trust me.
LORELAI: Well, I took the liberty of asking around town for you. Made you sound all pathetic and ragged. And there are a few temporary things you could take. You are very in demand in Stars Hollow.
RORY: Like what?
LORELAI: Well, the radio station needs someone to drive up the hill a couple of times a day and shoo the cows away from the transmitter.
RORY: I'm not good with livestock.
LORELAI: Well, the road crew needs a part-time ‘Slow Down' sign holder-upper. You get to wear a helmet.
RORY: I don't think so.
LORELAI: I saved the best for last. Andrew needs help doing inventory at the bookstore. I think that's probably your best bet.
RORY: That sounds great, actually.
LORELAI: Cool, just give him a ring.
RORY: Thanks. [She kisses Lorelai's cheek.] Now I just need to borrow some clothes to wear to Grandma's.
LORELAI: You're in clothes.
RORY: Well, she'll insist I take my jacket off and I'm down to my ‘Give Bush a Wedgie' t-shirt.
LORELAI [gasps]: Please wear that to Grandma's!
RORY: I'm going to borrow some clothes.
LORELAI: There's another twenty in it for you!
RORY: Start one of my loads.
LORELAI: Forty if you snap a picture of her seeing it!
RORY: Finish your socks!
[She heads upstairs.]
ELDER GILMORE HOUSE – FOYER
[The doorbell rings. Emily answers it.]
EMILY: Rory, hello! Come in!
RORY: Hi, Grandma.
[Emily hugs Rory. Rory does not hug her back.]
EMILY: Oh, we missed you.
RORY: It's only been a few weeks, Grandma.
EMILY: Give your coat to Eliza. [Rory takes off her coat.] That's an interesting outfit you have on.
RORY: Laundry day.
EMILY: Laundry day. Everything young people do sounds like fun to me.
RORY: No, it's pretty dreary.
EMILY: Well, come in. Come in. [She calls up the stairs as they enter the living room.] Richard, Rory's here. Hurry down, and don't forget to bring the you-know-what! [To Rory] Forget you heard that.
RORY: Consider it forgotten.
EMILY: Our trip was wonderful. We have so much to tell you.
RORY: Good.
[They sit down.]
EMILY: We'll have to wait ‘till next week to show you pictures. Richard bought this new digital camera that's supposed to be so simple a child can use it. So now we need to find a child who'll show us how. [She laughs. Rory barely smiles.] Are you feeling okay?
RORY: I'm feeling fine.
EMILY: So, did you go to Athens on that first big European trip of yours?
RORY: Um, yeah.
EMILY: I hope you saw the National Archaeological museum. I thought of you there the whole time. The room with the Mask of Agamemnon?
RORY: Yep, we h*t that.
EMILY: Interesting, huh?
RORY: Yep.
[Richard makes his way down the stairs.]
RICHARD: Rory!
RORY [stands up]: Grandpa! Welcome home! [They hug.]
RICHARD: Well, thank you! Look at this outfit! I like the colors.
RORY: Thanks! It's borrowed.
RICHARD: So, we have quite a bit to catch up on!
RORY: I know, I want to hear all about it!
RICHARD: Well, I'm sure your grandmother has caught you up somewhat.
EMILY: I started to.
RICHARD: And with the dozens of postcards she sent, you probably remember the trip better than I do.
RORY: I still want to hear your account.
EMILY: Have her open the gift, Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, yes. Please. Open it!
[Rory pulls out an antique book.]
RORY: Oh, my God, it's amazing!
RICHARD: Leaves of Grass in Greek. A hundred years old, some beautiful engravings.
RORY: Now I have to learn Greek.
EMILY: Feel the leather.
RORY: Grandpa, thank you so much.
RICHARD: Well, you can thank your grandmother. She helped pick it out.
RORY [not looking up]: Thank you, Grandma.
ELIZA: Dinner is served, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Thank you Eliza. [To Rory] You can flip through that a little later.
RORY: Okay. [She puts the book away and she and Richard head for the dining room.] So, Grandpa, is it true that every restaurant in the Placa has a view of the Acropolis?
RICHARD: Well, they like to think so. But we found this charming little taverna – Dionysus. The view was spectacular, and the Ouzo certainly lived up to its name.
LORELAI'S HOUSE – OUTSIDE
[Lorelai exits the front door and joins Sookie, waiting in her car.]
LORELAI: Oh, I am so hot. I'm going to h*t on myself tonight.
SOOKIE: You look nice.
LORELAI: So do you, your hair is so fancy.
SOOKIE: And I'm ready to let it down!
LORELAI: So, what town are we painting first?
SOOKIE: Oh, well, it's your big night out, so anywhere you want!
LORELAI: Okay. How about dancing?
SOOKIE: Dancing! Yes! [sings and starts the car] I'm a brick – da-da-da-da house. Now, of course I can't really dance ‘cause my ankles are completely swollen, and, uh, my stomach's a bit of a hindrance on the dance floor. But I can watch you dance.
LORELAI: No, that's okay. Let's do something else!
SOOKIE: But you want to go dancing!
LORELAI: No, we'll do whatever.
SOOKIE: Like what?
LORELAI: We can go to a bar, hang out and talk.
SOOKIE: Sounds perfect! Of course, I tend to get a little depressed when I'm in a room full of people drinking and I can't have a cocktail! You know, did I tell you I'm having a recurring dream lately, about a magic pina colada? With whip cream, and a ton of rum, and a talking little paper umbrella!
LORELAI: If you're having dreams like that, you don't need a cocktail! How
about a movie?
SOOKIE: I have to get up to pee every five minutes. But, we can sit on an aisle near the back and you can fill me in on what I missed!
LORELAI: Sookie – [she turns off the car] – Why don't we just stay home?
SOOKIE: No! We're hitting the town!
LORELAI: Not tonight.
SOOKIE: We have to. I can't let you become this spinster on the couch.
LORELAI: We can go inside and order in pizza.
SOOKIE: You need to go out, and see things, and do things!
LORELAI: I have ‘A Star is Born'. All three versions. We can compare and contrast performances and dosages!
SOOKIE: It is my responsibility as your best friend to make sure you go do exciting things even when you don't want to.
LORELAI: Hanging out with you is exciting!
SOOKIE: It is?
LORELAI: And with pepperoni and some extra cheese – look out.
SOOKIE: I am getting kind of hungry!
LORELAI: Well, sure, all this partying will do that to you.
SOOKIE: Can we watch the Streisand ‘A Star is Born' first? I really love that scene where she chews on Kris Kristofferson's lip!
LORELAI: Yeah!
[Sookie giggles as they get out of the car and go back in the house.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE – DINING ROOM
[Rory, Richard and Emily are having dinner.]
EMILY: So, where are all of your Yale friends for Spring Break?
RORY: Oh, here and there.
EMILY: Did your friend Paris make interesting plans?
RORY: Not really.
EMILY: And how's the shortcake?
RORY: It's fine, thanks.
EMILY: I know this seems a bit basic, but Eliza found the first decent strawberries of the year. I'm so mad at California.
RICHARD: Well, you'd think that rain would be good for crops. It's counterintuitive.
EMILY: Anyway, these strawberries are wonderful. Could you pass them to me, Rory?
[Rory passes the dish without looking up. Emily mouths to Richard "Do something!" and points at Rory. Richard looks troubled.]
RICHARD: So, Rory. Is everything all right with you this evening?
RORY: I'm fine, Grandpa.
[He looks helplessly at Emily. She gestures as though to say "Go on!"]
RICHARD: You'd tell us if anything was bothering you.
RORY: Really, it's nothing.
RICHARD: Seems as though there might be something on your mind.
RORY: Not really.
RICHARD: All right.
RORY: So, Grandpa, you hardly told me anything about your trip? How was the
Archaeological museum?
EMILY: Oh, now, that's it.
RICHARD: Emily –
EMILY: What is wrong with you?
RORY: Nothing.
EMILY: I asked you about that museum earlier and all you did was mumble something about hitting it!
RORY: I should have been more expansive. I'm sorry.
EMILY: You've been pushing me away all evening!
RICHARD: Emily, please.
EMILY: You asked your grandfather question after question and make polite chit-chat about the duck with the maid, what's her name, tell her it's wonderful –
RORY: Because she made it! And her name is Eliza!
EMILY: I told her to make it! You're enjoying duck because I requested duck!
RORY: Well, it was a great duck, Grandma! Kudos on the duck!
EMILY: This isn't you, this attitude of yours. This is your mother.
RORY: Don't bring up Mom.
RICHARD: Look, both of you. Let's try to calm down.
EMILY: Why are you acting this way?
RORY: Your memory can't be that short, Grandma!
EMILY: What does that mean?
RORY: Do we really have to get into this?
EMILY: You should walk out that door and come in again. Start all over.
RICHARD: She doesn't need to do that, Emily.
EMILY: We have a contract!
RORY [Sarcastic]: A contract!
EMILY: We pay for Yale. You come to dinner every Friday night and you act pleasantly and decently.
RORY: You're right, Grandma. We do have a contract. But it's to come to dinner. Period. There's no agreement on how vivacious or bubbly I have to be.
EMILY: You need to act like you!
RORY: I am!
EMILY: This isn't you!
RORY [getting up]: Look, Grandma, you know what you did.
RICHARD: Rory, please sit down.
RORY: I mean, what did you expect? Ten Acropolis postcards and I forget the fact that you broke up Mom and Luke? Now, I respect our contract. And I will continue to come every Friday night and eat dinner with you. But I won't guarantee an attitude that will please you. Excuse me.
EMILY: You are certainly not excused, we're not through.
RORY: We have had dessert, I'll skip the port. Good night.
RICHARD: Rory.
RORY: Good night, Grandpa. I'll see you in a week.
[She leaves. Emily and Richard look at one another, shocked.]
WESTON'S BAKERY
[Lorelai and Sookie are sitting at a table.]
LORELAI: See, now, this is perfect.
SOOKIE: It's not a nightclub, but it's a place she never goes. Different and exciting.
LORELAI: And chocolaty.
SOOKIE: Are you having fun?
LORELAI: Oh, not missing the couch a bit.
WAITER: Hi, Lorelai. Wow, twice in one day, huh?
LORELAI [chuckles]: Hi, Frankie. Yeah, well, gotta have some pie, you know. [Sees Sookie looking at her.] Well, I haven't memorized the menu yet.
SOOKIE: You come here?
LORELAI: You know, just once a – day.
SOOKIE: Unbelievable.
LORELAI: Well, I have to go somewhere in the mornings.
SOOKIE: I didn't want to take you somewhere you always go!
LORELAI: I had a great time tonight, and I appreciate your concern. And I promise, I am not going to become a couch potato spinster woman.
SOOKIE [gesturing at her belly]: Okay, the minute this comes out, you and I are going away for a weekend. Just the two of us.
LORELAI: Absolutely, except for the fact that you'll have a newborn baby at home, that's a perfect plan.
[Rory enters.]
RORY: Hello, ladies!
LORELAI: Hi, kid. How'd you know we'd be here?
RORY: What do you mean? You're always here. Hey, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Hey, egghead. Do you want some pie?
RORY: Oh, I never say no to pie.
LORELAI: So how was dinner?
RORY: Loud.
LORELAI: Meaning?
RORY: There was yelling.
LORELAI: Why, what happened?
RORY: I just got so mad. She was acting like nothing was wrong. Like it was totally normal that you weren't there. And I couldn't take it.
LORELAI: I understand.
SOOKIE [leaning on her hand]: I understand too.
LORELAI: Are you getting sleepy, there, Sookie?
SOOKIE: No, I'm fine. Just a little past my bedtime is all. Keep talking.
RORY: I left during shortcake.
LORELAI: I'm sorry to hear that.
RORY: Hey, Grandma did this. You didn't.
LORELAI: I know. I just hate that you're fighting with them.
RORY: Don't worry about it. [Looks at Sookie] She's sleeping.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, we partied pretty hard tonight.
RORY: Should we wake her up?
LORELAI: Nah, we'll wait a minute.
RORY: Mom. [She gestures to the empty table next to theirs.] Can you -
LORELAI: What?
[They move to the other table.]
LORELAI: Something wrong? [Pause.] Is it about Grandma? [Pause.] Do I have to ask eighteen more of these?
RORY: You know how, with Dean, things didn't exactly go the way I planned?
LORELAI: You mean with you and him getting together?
RORY: No, I mean, yes, that too. But I promised you that I would come to you and talk to you when I thought I was ready to - but I didn't, um, because it all happened so fast and I didn't get a chance and then everything got so messed up, and then after, it was weird. The situation was weird, and I didn't feel comfortable coming to talk to you about anything concerning us at all -
LORELAI: You can always talk to me. Even when it's weird.
RORY: I know. I want to. I want to go back to talking about everything. Just like before Dean.
LORELAI: I second that motion.
RORY: So I thought I would come talk to you now about Logan.
LORELAI [surprised]: Oh. Okay.
RORY: I want to tell you now, so you hear it from me, right when it's… starting.
LORELAI: Right when it's starting? Oh. Got it. So, the two of you are starting something, huh?
RORY [smiling]: Yes. We have definitely started something.
LORELAI: Started! Oh, you have already started something. Wow. Okay, fast.
RORY: I know, but he's so great. I mean, you've seen him. He's beautiful, and really smart. Smarter than me, I swear. And he's – great.
LORELAI: Yes, he seems great.
RORY: And we have a lot in common, which is good.
LORELAI: Very good.
RORY: The paper, and Yale of course, and he's extremely well-read. And I know Logan's rich, and I know you don't really -
LORELAI: No, no. Rory, I don't care if he's rich. If you like him -
RORY: I do. I really like him.
LORELAI: And he's treating you well.
RORY: He is. I'm having fun. A lot of fun.
LORELAI: Okay, well. If he's that important to you, I should probably, you know, meet him again, under different circumstances.
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: Everything all buttoned and zipped.
RORY: You will, I promise.
LORELAI: Good, that's good.
RORY: Anyhow, I just wanted you to know.
LORELAI: Okay, so. Good talk.
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Absolutely. [She sighs.] Man, I feel like I should buy you a sh*t
RORY: How about a rum ball?
LORELAI: Two rum balls, coming up.
[Rory smiles as Lorelai gets up.]
STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Lorelai is walking. Her cell phone rings.]
LORELAI: Hello?
RICHARD: Lorelai, it's your father.
LORELAI: Well, hello there, my father. What can I do for you?
[Scene cuts between Lorelai walking and Richard in his study.]
RICHARD: Well, you can take a more serious tone, for starters.
LORELAI [in a deep, British voice]: Oh. Hello, my father.
RICHARD: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, sorry. I thought the British thing made it pretty serious.
RICHARD: I assume you heard what happened at dinner last night?
LORELAI: Did it involve a fork?
RICHARD: No, it did not. It involved your daughter being incredibly rude and insensitive to her grandmother.
LORELAI: I heard there was a bit of a flare-up there, yes.
RICHARD: It was more than a flare-up. I've never seen Rory behave like that.
LORELAI: Well, she was upset, Dad.
RICHARD: Well, that is no excuse!
LORELAI: Well, I don't know what to tell you.
RICHARD: You can tell me what you intend to do about it.
LORELAI: Uh, nothing?
RICHARD: You have to talk to her!
LORELAI: No, I do not.
RICHARD: Lorelai, you are her mother. It is up to you to set an example for your daughter.
LORELAI: I did set an example for her, Dad. I didn't go to dinner. She went anyhow, damn kids, you can't teach them anything.
RICHARD: She yelled at her grandmother, Lorelai! At the dinner table, right in front of me!
LORELAI: Well, this is none of my business.
RICHARD: Of course it's your business! It's your battle she's fighting.
LORELAI: I do not have a battle.
RICHARD: You need to talk to her and tell her that this behavior is not –
LORELAI: Dad, listen to me. This is Rory's thing, okay? She was mad. She was upset.
RICHARD: Well, what does Rory have to be upset about?
LORELAI: Rory loves Luke, Dad. She does not want to see him hurt and humiliated like he was. She cares about me.
RICHARD: Your mother did what she thought –
LORELAI: Whoa, just stop right there. I'm not interested in why Mom did what she did.
RICHARD: Well, I was just –
LORELAI: Luke and I have broken up, Dad. Okay? We are no longer together. And it is a direct result of what Mom did. And I know that you could care less, and I know that Mom will be thrilled, but I am not thrilled. I am not thrilled. And Rory is not thrilled. We're both hurt and extremely upset. Now, I can stay away and not come to dinner and not see Mom, but Rory made a deal with you guys, and Rory never goes back on anything she says, so she went. She was there, and if she was rude or cold, then I'm sorry, but I personally feel she has every right to be, and you and Mom will just have to work that out with her yourselves.
RICHARD: So then this is it? You'll never visit our home again?
LORELAI: I don't know.
RICHARD: You'll send Rory, but you'll avoid us at Thanksgiving? On
Christmas?
LORELAI: Probably.
RICHARD: So we're just supposed to accept the fact that we'll never see you again?
LORELAI: You can see me anytime you want, Dad. I have no beef with you.
RICHARD [thoughtfully]: I see. Well.
LORELAI: Uh, Dad?
RICHARD: Yes?
LORELAI: While you're all calm and quiet there, can I ask you a question?
RICHARD: Go ahead.
LORELAI: Well, the premium on my insurance policy at the inn is going up fifteen percent because of some small damage claims –
RICHARD: I'm sorry, you're asking me a question about insurance?
LORELAI: Yeah.
RICHARD: Carry on.
LORELAI: So these guys came by the Inn last week, and –
[She sees a traffic cop writing a ticket for the boat in front of Luke's.]
LORELAI: Oh. Dad, I gotta call you back in a sec, okay? Thanks. Bye. [She
hangs up and hurries over to her.] Excuse me! Hello! Hi, hi.
COP: Is this your boat?
LORELAI: Ah, technically. It is. Yeah. And I'm sorry that it's parked out here like this, but, see, it's supposed to be auctioned off for charity for the National Boating for Peace and, uh, low blood sugar organization for tiny children, and so they delivered it early and not finished, and so it was dropped off here, so, to be picked up by the boat finishing guys. I'm supposed to move it. But there was this kitten. In a tree. He had a cold, and I had to bring him a Kleenex, and –
COP: Just move it on street-cleaning days.
LORELAI: Yes, ma'am.
[The cop leaves. Lorelai sighs and looks at the boat, then walks away.]
LUKE'S DINER – INTERIOR
[Lane comes over to Kirk's table.]
LANE: You want some ketchup, Kirk?
KIRK: No, thanks. The distinct charred flavor of this meat is like a delicacy. I wouldn't dream of obscuring it with condiments.
LANE: I think that's a pancake.
KIRK: Fascinating.
[Lane heads back to the counter.]
LANE: Luke, my cheeseburger and fries up yet?
LUKE: How would I know? What am I, a food psychic? What, do you want to know
how the grapefruit crop's gonna be this year? Hold on, I'm getting a message from a kumquat from beyond the grave.
LANE: Okay, I'll go see for myself.
KIRK: Hey, Luke, can I get a napkin?
[Luke tosses a towel, which lands on Kirk's head.]
KIRK: A cloth napkin and a moist towlette, all in one!
LANE: I've got a delivery, I'll be right back!
[She heads toward the door. A man enters.]
MAN: Sit anywhere?
LANE [hushed]: Ah, listen. I will be back in fifteen minutes. Why don't you wait, and let me seat you then?
MAN: What?
LANE: Just trust me –
MAN: Forget it! I'm hungry now.
LANE: Okay. Anywhere's fine.
[She leaves the diner. As she walks down the street, behind her we can see the man being tossed out, landing on his knees on the sidewalk.]
STARS HOLLOW BOOKS
[Rory is sitting, surrounded by piles of books. Lane enters.]
LANE: Soup's on!
RORY: Oh, thank God. I am starving. I have been dreaming about Luke's cheeseburgers for a month.
LANE: How's the inventory coming?
RORY: Perfect. I have a great system going. [Pointing] This is my ‘to be written down' pile, my ‘already written down' pile, and this is my pile of books that I have seen and now have to buy.
LANE: That's a big pile.
RORY [Opening the bag of food]: Yep.
LANE: Bigger than the other two piles.
RORY: Yep.
LANE: This job must be costing you a fortune.
RORY: Yep. [She takes a bite of the burger and makes a face.] Oh, my God. What is that thing?
LANE: Sorry. I should have warned you.
RORY: This is disgusting! This is from Luke's?
LANE: Yeah, he's been a little off his game lately.
RORY: Off his game? It's like Tiger Woods made this thing.
LANE: Luke's been in a mood.
RORY: And he's taking it out on the cheeseburgers?
LANE: It's been awful. Everything's either been burnt or dropped. He's absolutely miserable. He just mopes and growls and stomps around. He throws customers out the door.
RORY: Geez.
LANE: I'm assuming his mood might have something to do with a certain someone who's been spending a lot of her time at Weston's lately.
RORY: Oh, poor, sad Luke.
LANE: Poor, sad tips.
RORY: Listen, I have to get something to eat. You want to run over to Al's with me?
LANE: Can't. If Luke's left alone too long, he might burn the place down.
RORY: Well, how about tonight? You want to do something?
LANE: I would love to, but Zach is cooking me dinner.
RORY: Really? Oh, it's so sweet.
LANE: It is, isn't it?
RORY: It's so nice that you have Zach.
LANE: I know, it's like having a perfect haircut every single day.
RORY: My God, that is beautiful.
LANE: I'll call you later?
RORY: Okay. Thanks for the concept of lunch.
LANE: Anytime.
[Lane leaves. Rory gets up and spots another book and adds it to her ‘to buy' pile.]
RORY: This job was a great idea.
[She heads across the street.]
DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN
[Lorelai enters the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Hey, Sookie? Has my dad –
SOOKIE [jumping out at her]: August fourteenth!
LORELAI: Oh, geez!
SOOKIE: What are you doing August fourteenth?
LORELAI: Uh, recovering from the grand jete you just did there?
SOOKIE: Last night I called Jackson's sister – Colleen, not the drunk one and I asked her to take the kids on the weekend of August fourteenth because by then there will be kids, and I will be free to girlfriend the weekend away. What do you think?
LORELAI: Oh, sh**t.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Well, If you had just gotten to me sooner.
SOOKIE: Sooner than six months ahead of time?
LORELAI: Well, August is my bathing month.
SOOKIE [disappointed]: Oh, well, September will probably work, and [noticing the small smile on Lorelai's face] you're joking.
LORELAI: August fourteenth would be perfect.
SOOKIE [clapping]: Oh, yay!
[Richard enters the kitchen with a business associate.]
LORELAI: Hey, Dad, how's it look?
RICHARD: Why don't you go and check that landing again, Phil? I'll be up in a moment. [He turns to Lorelai.]
LORELAI: Well, is it bad, is it good, am I screwed? What do you think?
RICHARD: Philip and I have thoroughly toured the property, and with the exception of one too many garden gnomes, we have found it to be in top shape.
LORELAI [pleased]: Really?
RICHARD: Yes. I've also reviewed your policy, and while I tip my hat to the criminal genius who convinced you to sign it, I find it appalling.
LORELAI: I knew the name Sheisty McSheisterson should have tipped me off.
RICHARD: You can do better. And I can help.
LORELAI: Don't you tease me, Gilmore.
RICHARD: Oh, no, I wouldn't dare.
LORELAI: So what do we do?
RICHARD: Well, Philip will go over the property again, he'll take some pictures, and tomorrow I will put a new policy together for you.
LORELAI: Oh my God, you're my lifesaver.
SOOKIE: Hey, can I make you guys some lunch?
RICHARD: No, thank you, Sookie.
LORELAI: Come on, Dad. Not even a sandwich?
RICHARD: I'll tell you what. I'll have some coffee, if you're offering.
LORELAI: We're offering.
SOOKIE: I'll heat up some scones to go with it.
RICHARD [calling after her]: Oh, no, I don't – uh, I don't want the –
LORELAI: Forget it, Dad. You're getting scones.
RICHARD: My God, this is a bossy place.
[They go into the dining room.]
RICHARD: You know, I have to say, Lorelai. You've done a wonderful job here.
LORELAI [surprised]: Thank you, Dad.
RICHARD: Well, the restoration. The rooms. The homey feel. And the s*ab – very smart.
LORELAI: Yes.
RICHARD: People love horses.
LORELAI: They turned out to be quite a draw.
RICHARD: Hmm. You know, small inns like this are very fashionable right now. The larger hotel chains are constantly searching to acquire charming places like this. They keep them just as they are, usually retain the management. I could, uh, do a little sniffing around for you if you like.
LORELAI: Are you talking about selling my inn?
RICHARD: Well, you would still run it. But you'd make a lot of money.
LORELAI: I'm good, Dad.
RICHARD: Well, you should really think about it.
LORELAI: I don't think I'm going to be selling this place, but thank you for the suggestion.
RICHARD: Yes, well, if you change your mind.
LORELAI: Yes, I know where to find you.
[A waiter brings the coffee and scones.]
RICHARD: Oh, my, what is that heavenly smell?
LORELAI: Scones.
RICHARD: I have never smelled anything as heavenly as this.
LORELAI: Wait till you taste them.
LANE'S HOUSE
[Lane and Zach are having a candlelit picnic on the floor.]
ZACH: More bubbly, my dear? [He offers her some Pepsi.]
LANE: Please.
ZACH: I opened the bottle this afternoon, so it's just the way you like it. Nice and flat.
LANE: You're very sweet. This whole thing was so sweet, Zach. Cooking me dinner?
ZACH: It was fun.
LANE: The sauce was amazing.
ZACH: My own creation. Ragu with garlic salt, cayenne pepper and a dash of wasabi.
LANE: It made my ears pop.
ZACH: One of the benefits.
LANE: Spaghetti was just right, too.
ZACH: I threw some up against the wall to tell if it was done. Made a shape like Peter Gabriel's big bloated head. It's still there if you want to see it.
LANE [getting up]: Yeah? Cool.
ZACH: But not now, okay? [He pulls her down beside him.] Later.
LANE: Oh, sure.
ZACH [kissing up her arm]: You're the best, you know. The coolest, the cutest.
LANE: Aw, thanks. Back at you.
ZACH: I liked you the day I met you. I even remember what you were wearing.
LANE: Oh, God. I probably looked like a pig. I need more clothes.
ZACH: I want this to be right, you know?
LANE: Yeah. Absolutely.
ZACH: Music's good for you?
LANE: Sure.
[They kiss.]
LANE: That was nice.
ZACH: Yeah, it was.
[They kiss again.]
LANE: We should probably clear the plates, right?
ZACH: What?
LANE: Just to get them soaking.
ZACH: No. Uh, later. After.
LANE: Okay. After what?
ZACH [leans in]: After.
LANE: Right. [They kiss] After.
[More kissing. Lane suddenly pushes away.]
LANE: Oh, my God!
ZACH: What?
LANE: You want to have sex.
ZACH: Kind of.
LANE: Oh, my God! [She gets up and crosses the room.]
ZACH: You didn't know where this was heading?
LANE: How could I have known, Zach?
ZACH: I thought it was clear.
LANE: How, how?
ZACH: I cooked. I never cook.
LANE: I don't know that you've never cooked. I've known you, what, two years? This could be a dormant hobby.
ZACH: I lit candles.
LANE: I thought you were trying to save on electricity. Very prudent.
ZACH: I told you I wanted to have a special evening with you.
LANE: That's a clue?
ZACH [yelling]: I don't say crap like ‘special evening', Lane! I play guitar!
LANE: Okay! But –
ZACH: I lined the path to the bedroom door with rose petals? You had to have seen that.
LANE: I thought you tracked them in. You're always stepping in things, Zach.
ZACH: I don't know what else I could have done.
LANE: Yeah, well, neither do I.
ZACH: What?
LANE: You're right. You gave me, like, eighty-three clues, and I missed them all. I'm stupid.
ZACH: You're not. I was just trying to be subtle and that's not my thing. I'm bad, I'm a bad man.
LANE: You're not bad. You're good. I'm stupid.
ZACH: I pushed you. I should be arrested.
LANE: No, Zach. I should have known. We've been dating for what, four months? And we live together, and I'm twenty. You're a guy, and I'm a girl. Birds do it, bees do it.
ZACH: So, what do you think?
LANE: Oh, well, I have to wait until I get married.
ZACH: What?
LANE: I have to wait till I get married?
ZACH: I didn't know that.
LANE: Neither did I.
ZACH: Whoa.
LANE: Yeah, whoa.
ZACH: I don't know if I'm okay with that.
LANE: I'm not sure if I'm okay with that either.
[They look away. Lane gets up.]
ZACH: What are you doing?
LANE: Cleaning up.
ZACH: I'll do it.
LANE: No, Zach. You're not getting any tonight, the least I can do is clean up.
[Zach sits back down, confused.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE – KITCHEN
[Emily stomps into the kitchen, where she is making flower arrangements. Richard is calling after her.]
RICHARD: Emily, I don't believe we've finished talking about this. [He enters.] I think once you take a step back and think about this you will see that there is nothing to be upset about.
EMILY: I'm not upset, Richard. [She throws a flower into the vase.]
RICHARD: You're not.
EMILY: No, I'm not.
RICHARD: Oh, that flower just had it coming, I assume.
EMILY: You're loving this, aren't you?
RICHARD: Loving what?
EMILY: Rory won't even look at me, but it's ‘Grandpa, how was Greece?' and ‘Grandpa, I just love my gift'!
RICHARD: Oh, now, Emily.
EMILY: Lorelai won't take my calls, but runs to Daddy with her insurance problems.
RICHARD: Well, her insurance company's been robbing her blind!
EMILY: Please.
RICHARD: Well, would you like to see her policy? The deductible alone –
EMILY: You're the favorite and you're loving every single minute of it.
RICHARD: This is not a popularity contest.
EMILY: No, not a contest. You've already won.
RICHARD: Emily, you are acting incredibly immature!
EMILY: You couldn't wait to run over to that inn of hers for your secret clandestine meeting!
RICHARD: Well, how clandestine could it be? I just told you about it.
EMILY: I do not understand why you refuse to stand by me on this.
RICHARD: Why haven't we gotten stools in here?
EMILY: I did what I did for her own good!
RICHARD: Of course you did!
EMILY: I only want the best for her, and since she is incapable of judging what is right and what is wrong, I had to step in! I had to act!
RICHARD: Yes, you did. You acted and it backfired.
EMILY: Richard!
RICHARD: Well, you did! It was a noble effort, but it failed. And now we have to deal with the reality in front of us. However misguided Lorelai's feelings are right now, the fact is, she is not willing to deal with you. She will, however, deal with me. And at least this way we still have contact with her.
EMILY: Contact, please.
RICHARD: And hopefully, with time, we will be able to convince her to come back and things will return to normal. However, if we simply cut her off, no contact whatsoever, then the odds of being able to get things back to the status quo are not very good at all. Don't you agree? [Emily looks petulant.] I thought so. All right, now don't worry. [He kisses her forehead.] I have everything under control.
EMILY [as he is leaving]: Of course you do. Because you're the favorite.
STARS HOLLOW BOOKSTORE
[Rory is working. Lane is lying on the floor.]
LANE: I can't believe it. I just cannot believe it!
RORY: It's okay.
LANE: How did this happen? I started listening to rock music when I was seven years old. I snuck makeup on at school. I managed to join a band without anyone knowing. I had a boyfriend who my mother thought was a Christian guitarist. And I ate spicy condiments like they were going out of style.
RORY: Lane.
LANE: I drank soda, ate hamburgers, wore jewelry, I danced.
RORY: Not very well.
LANE: Hey, any skill level's a sin. And then I moved out and I lived with two guys. I mean, nothing else stuck. Nothing. So why this?
RORY: It's a mystery.
LANE: Why couldn't the gluten-free thing stick? I could've lived with that. Or the not dancing thing. Oh, you should have seen Zach's face, it was like
-
RORY: Like he realized he wasn't going to have sex with you until the wedding night.
LANE: Yes! Exactly. God, this blows!
RORY: A lot of people wait until they're married to have sex.
LANE: Yes. Jessica Simpson and Donna from 90210.
RORY: And a couple of others.
LANE: Oh, my God, what if I never get married?
RORY: You'll get married.
LANE: If I never get married then I'll never have sex.
RORY: You'll get married, you'll have sex.
LANE: That's easy for you to say. You've already had sex with two different guys. All within a one year period.
RORY: Okay, you're making me sound a little slutty.
LANE: Well, why shouldn't you be slutty? You have absolutely no mother-taught morals standing in the way of you and your sluttiness.
RORY: Oh. Well, when you put it that way.
LANE: Is it great?
RORY: Is what great?
LANE: Sex! Is it great?
RORY: Not in front of the books, Lane.
LANE: What am I saying? It's great. And I will never experience it because by the time I'm ready to get married all the men will have been taken by women who didn't grow up in my household!
[Lane puts on her coat.]
RORY: Going out to find a husband?
LANE: I have to get extra trash bags for the diner.
RORY: All right. Call me later.
[Lane exits the bookstore and starts walking down the street. She notices her mother up ahead, handing out flyers. She begins walking faster.]
LANE: You're in my head! Are you happy? You are in my head!
MRS. KIM: What?
[Bewildered, she watches Lane hurry away.]
STARS HOLLOW BOOKSTORE
[Rory is reading a book about Ernest Hemingway. She pulls her cell phone out of her pocket and dials. Scene cuts from Rory in the store to Logan, sitting in front of some trees.]
LOGAN: Hello?
RORY: We were both wrong.
LOGAN: About?
RORY: Hemingway's manuscripts were stolen in Hadley's suitcase at the Gare de Lyon.
LOGAN: Huh.
RORY: Yep. Just thought you should know. We're both dumb.
LOGAN: Guess we found each other.
RORY: Guess we did. So how's the outing in the woods going?
LOGAN: It was going fine until Finn decided to go through one of his naked phases.
RORY: Yikes.
LOGAN: Yeah. Suddenly the cabin seemed very small.
RORY: I bet.
LOGAN: Plus it got boring, and there's too many people there I know, so I decided to cut my skiing trip short.
RORY: Yeah? Where are you now?
LOGAN: Yale.
RORY: What?
LOGAN: Yep. Seems like I got the whole place to myself, too.
RORY: I bet. Everybody's gone for spring break.
LOGAN: You know it's nice like this. Very quiet. Lots of privacy. It's too bad you're not here.
RORY: And why is that?
LOGAN: I just think you'd like it.
RORY: Well, take me a picture.
LOGAN: You know if, by chance, you decided to cut your spring break short, you could be here with me to see it yourself.
RORY: Oh, really?
LOGAN: Just a suggestion, Ace.
RORY: Well, I'll think about it.
LORELAI'S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai picks a container of Chinese take-out from the coffee table.]
RORY [pulling her laundry bags]: So you're sure you're okay with this?
LORELAI: Oh, my God, for the fiftieth time, yes.
RORY: But I know you had the whole week planned out. I saw the DVD's.
LORELAI: Oh, hon.
RORY: Woman Under the Influence?
LORELAI: A.k.a. the story of me.
RORY: Soap marathon.
LORELAI: All can be done at a later time.
RORY: Okay. How about next weekend?
LORELAI: Mm, let me check my spinster catalogue. No, I'm going to be knitting toilet paper cozies till three. But after that I'm good.
RORY: Great, and we can do the Friday night Weston's dessert thing again next week.
LORELAI: Yeah, whatever you want.
RORY: Okay. You're sure you're not mad?
LORELAI: Oh, well, you'll never truly know until you read my memoir.
RORY: Oh, well.
LORELAI: Wait. [She gets up and opens a drawer.] So you'll always have clean underwear. [She hands her two rolls of quarters.]
RORY: Mom –
LORELAI: Take them.
RORY: Ah. Clean underwear, priceless.
LORELAI: And I'm going to cover the books you bought from Andrew.
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: You're an enabler.
LORELAI: I know. You're my only daughter. That I know of.
RORY: Mom, thanks.
LORELAI: You're welcome. So, he came back early, huh?
RORY: Oh, yeah. Um, he said there just wasn't much to do up at the cabin, and it just got kind of cramped and gross with all those guys, so –
LORELAI: So, he came back early, huh?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI [giggles a little]: Bye.
RORY: Bye.
[Rory leaves. Lorelai turns on her movie, looking a little sad.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk is the only customer. Luke is behind the counter.]
KIRK: Oh, my God, I love this stuff I think is meatloaf.
[Luke turns around and glares at him.]
KIRK: Sorry.
[Emily enters the diner. She stand by the door.[
EMILY: Hello, Luke.
[Luke stiffens, his back to Emily.]
EMILY: When you get a moment, I'd like to have a word with you.
LUKE: I'm busy right now.
EMILY: That's fine. I'll just wait here until things die down. [She pulls up a stool at the counter. Luke ignores her and makes some coffee. She opens the menu.] You have a wide selection here. [Pause.] What is mud pie?
KIRK: Oh, that's awesome. It's chocolate pie with Oreo cookie crust, and sometimes you can get Luke to put gummy worms in it, like worms in the mud, so, you can imagine.
EMILY [disgusted]: Well, you've painted a wonderful picture. [To Luke] Your coffeemaker seems to be full now.
LUKE [slamming the filter into the machine]: Coffee, Kirk?
KIRK: Oh, no. I can't drink coffee. It makes my lungs hurt. [Luke pours him a cup.] Thanks.
EMILY [to Kirk]: Would you mind excusing us?
KIRK: Oh, um, okay. [He gets up and takes his plate outside.]
EMILY: My daughter and I aren't speaking. She won't take my calls, she won't come to dinner. She apparently wants nothing to do with me. [Pause.] I'm sure you know that Lorelai and I have had many battles. Most of them have been because I feel that I know what's best for her. But Lorelai has her own ideas about what she thinks will make her happy. She wants you, Luke. She's made her choice, God help her, but there it is. It doesn't matter if I agree with it, I can't fight it. You've won. Go back to her. I promise I will stay out of it. [She gets up and heads toward the door. Kirk is pressed up against the glass.] You're going to have to clean that window. [She leaves. Luke stares at the door.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is watching a movie. Judy Garland is singing on the screen.]
JUDY: The night is bitter, the stars have lost their glitter. The winds grow colder, suddenly you're older, and all because of the man that got away.
[She hears someone knocking on the door. She opens the door and Luke walks in, wraps his arms around her and kisses her. Lorelai closes the door.]
JUDY: No more his eager call, the writing's on the wall, the dreams you've dreamed have all gone astray.
____________________END______________________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x16 - So...Good Talk"} | foreverdreaming |
LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk is sitting at a table in the center, yelling loudly. There is a bin half filled with pink and blue ribbons in front of him.]
KIRK: Ribbons here! Return your ribbons here! That's right, folks! [A couple enters the diner and deposits their blue ribbons into the bin.] Thank you, sir. In the box, ma'am. Ribbons here, return your ribbons here!
LUKE: Kirk, stop that.
KIRK: Can't stop yet, Luke. Haven't got them all yet.
LUKE: I mean it, put the box away.
KIRK: Luke, you and Lorelai have reconciled.
LUKE: I know, Kirk. I was there.
KIRK: And since you two have reconciled, it's only appropriate that the citizens of Stars Hollow take off their pins and start to heal. In my case, literally. I caught about an inch of chest-flesh with this sharp little sucker.
LUKE: Kirk -
[Lulu walks past the diner. Kirk jumps out of his seat and yells at her through the window.]
KIRK: Lulu! Hey!
LULU: No, Kirk! I like my ribbon! It's pink! I like pink!
KIRK: This is bigger than your love of pink!
LULU [screams dramatically]: No!
[Lulu takes off down the street.]
KIRK: Lulu! Lulu, get back here! Lulu! [He leaves the diner to run after her. Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Wow, did you see that?
LUKE: You know, if someone opened a store in this town selling giant butterfly nets, they'd make a fortune.
LORELAI: Come on, the crazy need love too.
LUKE: Speaking of which - [they kiss] Welcome back.
LORELAI: Nice to be here.
LUKE: Want some coffee?
LORELAI: Oh, say that again, slower and with your pants off.
LUKE: What's that? [He gestures at the counter.]
LORELAI: My pretty, pretty face?
LUKE: That's a Weston's coffee cup.
LORELAI: Is it?
LUKE: You bring an enemy coffee cup in here on the day of our reconciliation.
LORELAI [with a mobster accent]: At least I didn't ask you for a favor on this, the day of our daughter's wedding.
LUKE: Get that coffee out of here.
LORELAI: This is not coffee. This is a mocha chocolate caramel swirl-a-chino with extra whip cream.
LUKE: That sounds disgusting.
LORELAI: It is. And if it was physically possible to make love to a hot beverage, this would be the one.
LUKE: So apparently I've got competition.
LORELAI: No, no, no. It's just a fling. I'll finally spend the night with it, but then when I see it in the morning with the caramel un-swirled and the whip cream un-whipped, huh! Buh-bye.
[Kirk opens the door, panting. He is holding Lulu's sweater, complete with its pink ribbon.]
KIRK: Man, that was hard. [Pause.] She must have stretched first. [He tosses the sweater into the bin.]
OPENING CREDITS
YALE CAMPUS
[Evening. Rory and Logan are walking together. Logan has his arm around Rory's waist.]
RORY: So, judging from the snoring I'm guessing you love the theater.
LOGAN: That was not a snore. That was a groan.
RORY: It was not a painful play.
LOGAN: Any play is a painful play for me.
RORY: Well, that's too bad, because you're going to miss out on some wonderful things.
LOGAN: Yeah, like what?
RORY [smiling]: My mom took me to see Caroline, or Change in New York, Tony Kushner's musical, and it was the most amazing thing we ever saw. Tony Kushner wrote Angels in America.
LOGAN: I know who Tony Kushner is.
RORY: So you've seen his plays?
LOGAN: No, my mom plays Canasta with him every month he's in town.
RORY: Tony Kushner plays Canasta with your mother?
LOGAN: Badly, but yes.
RORY: You have a magical life, Huntzberger! And you don't even know it.
LOGAN: So, where to next?
RORY: Oh, I don't know. Mah Jongg with Mamet?
LOGAN: How does ice cream sound?
RORY: Ice cream sounds great.
LOGAN: Then ice cream it is. [He takes her hand and pulls her toward one of the buildings.]
RORY: Whoa, Logan! Where are we going? Slow down.
LOGAN: Slow down and you die, Ace.
RORY: Yeah, you go too fast in heels and you kind of die also.
[He pulls her into a dark doorway, which he opens with a key.]
YALE CAMPUS - DINING HALL
[It is dark. Rory and Logan enter.]
RORY: What are we doing?
LOGAN: We're getting ice cream.
RORY: But the dining hall's closed. We're breaking in.
LOGAN: That's a very negative way of looking at it.
RORY: How do you have a key to the dining hall?
LOGAN: I know a lot of very powerful locksmiths.
RORY: Well, what happens if we get caught? Could we get suspended? They can't kick you out of school for this, can they?
LOGAN: Hey, relax. Look around. For tonight this is all yours.
RORY: It is kind of cool.
LOGAN: Wait till you see the kitchen.
RORY: Whoa! Oh, I've never seen the cereal completely full before. I'm never here early enough! I knew they had Cocoa Puffs.
LOGAN: Go crazy, Ace.
RORY: No, we're getting ice cream.
LOGAN: There's no rule that says you can't have ice cream and cereal. Go on, get your Cocoa Puffs.
RORY [reaches for a bowl]: First Cocoa Puffs of the day. This is a historic moment.
LOGAN: Okay. Next stop, ice cream.
RORY: Mm.
LOGAN: What are you doing?
RORY: I'm looking for the swipe machine so I can deduct points from my meal plan.
LOGAN: You're kidding, right?
RORY: Well, the school pays for the food.
LOGAN: Trust me. With all the money my family has donated to this school, they can afford to be out of a few Cocoa Puffs. Let's go.
RORY: This is fun.
LOGAN: You're an easy girl to please. [They kiss.] Let's h*t the kitchen.
RORY: 'Kay.
[They walk toward the kitchen. Almost at the door, Rory turns back and leaves a dollar at the cereal station.]
LOGAN: Ace, come on!
RORY: I'm coming!
[They exit.]
DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai is walking around, giving orders.]
LORELAI [to a maid dusting]: Oh, okay, thanks. That's enough there. Just make sure you get the stairs now. [To two men carrying flowers] Oh, no, those go outside. Anacencia will take care of you.
[She enters the living room and sees Sookie.]
LORELAI: Oh, what a surprise! A plate of cookies on the coffee table to match the basket of cupcakes on the reception desk.
SOOKIE: What? I always do this.
LORELAI: Oh, you always do this when a photographer from American Travel magazine is coming to photograph us for -
SOOKIE and LORELAI [in unison]: One of the Top Ten Inns in Connecticut!
SOOKIE [squeals]: I have no idea what you're talking about.
LORELAI: You know, I moved the furniture in the bedrooms around four times last night.
SOOKIE: And you ended up?
LORELAI: With everything in exactly the same place I started with.
[Sookie giggles.]
LORELAI: Oh, the dining room looks beautiful.
SOOKIE: Thank you.
LORELAI: And, what a surprise, a cake on every table.
SOOKIE: So no one has to share.
[They walk into the library.]
LORELAI: Okay, floor looks good, table looks good. Hey, what happened to our books?
SOOKIE: What do you mean?
LORELAI: All our beautiful, leather-bound books. Jonathon Swift, Edith Wharton, Charles Dickens. A lot of them are gone.
SOOKIE: The guests must have swiped 'em.
LORELAI: They swiped Jonathon Swift and left me with Clifford, the Big Red Dog and five copies of He's Just Not That Into You.
SOOKIE: We've been airplane booked.
LORELAI: Oh, we've got to get them out of here. Hey Eddie? [Eddie comes in.]
Will you get these out of here? [He takes them from her and leaves.] I'll raid Rory's leftovers tonight.
[Michel enters, wearing sunglasses, a t-shirt featuring a palm tree, and carrying two paper bags.]
MICHEL: Well, there everybody is. Who missed Michel?
LORELAI: Huh. Trick question?
SOOKIE: How was California?
MICHEL: Ah, you know, it is insanity. What is different about me?
SOOKIE: You're wearing sunglasses inside?
MICHEL: They're not sunglasses. They are eyewear. Everyone in Los Angeles wears pairs and pairs of eyewear.
LORELAI: Well, you look great.
MICHEL: Oh, I tell you, I belong out there. Everybody is thin and gorgeous. Oh, there is this place on Sunset Boulevard, a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, and everybody there talks exactly like me.
LORELAI: Wow.
MICHEL: I got Botox.
SOOKIE: Ow.
MICHEL: Dr. Wu, oh, she's a genius. Everyone goes there. And look. [He shows them his teeth.] I got them done by the same guy who does Nick Lachey. Okay, gather around. I brought gifts. [He holds up his bags.]
LORELAI: Gifts, great!
MICHEL: Oh, the shopping out there, unbelievable. Rodeo Drive, dig a hole and drop me in, even if I'm not d*ad yet. Okay, for you and for you. [He hands them their bags.]
LORELAI [pulling out her gift]: Huh.
MICHEL: It's a smog globe. [Laughs] They are so funny in California.
SOOKIE [opening her gift]: Well, what do you know. [giggles a little] He's Just Not That Into You.
MICHEL: I heard it's a fabulous book, and so true. Oh, I haven't told you the most amazing part yet.
LORELAI: You got your boobs done by the same guy who did Pamela Anderson?
MICHEL: No, though I did meet him at the Coffee Bean. I was at this place called the Farmer's Market, and I was just sitting there, minding anybody's business, and a man came up to me and asked if I would like to be a contestant on the Price is Right!
LORELAI: You're kidding!
MICHEL: I was so stunned! I mean, I never considered being on a game show, but I was finished with my Bubble Tea, so I figured, why not?
SOOKIE: They just asked you to be on.
MICHEL: Yes.
SOOKIE: Boy, that's weird. Jackson's cousin Monty did the Price is Right, and he told us that the contestants had to get up at the crack of dawn, sit in line for hours, with hundreds of tourists, and then show how enthusiastic of a contestant they would be. You know, jumping up and down, screaming and yelling.
MICHEL: You don't say.
SOOKIE: Yeah. And they had to wear embarrassing t-shirts that said things like 'Pick Me, Bob! I neutered my dog!' And they spent weeks studying the price of Turtle wax and Hamburger Helper.
MICHEL: Okay, fine! I may have jumped a little, but I did not wear a t-shirt.
LORELAI: Michel. What would Nick Lachey's teeth guy say?
MICHEL: Make fun if you want, but I walked away the winner of over a hundred thousand dollar of cash and prizes!
LORELAI: Then what's with the cheap gifts?
SOOKIE: That's not even that smoggy.
MICHEL [getting up, muttering to himself]: Why do I talk to you? Why?
LORELAI: All right. I'm going to go run over to Luke's and grab some dinner, and then I will be back to finish the setup.
SOOKIE: Got it.
LUKE'S DINER
[A woman rushes out of the bathroom. Kirk follows her.]
KIRK: Well, if you'd just put it in the box like I told you to, I wouldn't have had to follow you in. [He sets a pink ribbon into the box.]
LUKE [to Lorelai]: Here's your fries.
LORELAI: Mm, good.
LUKE: Where's your burger?
LORELAI: I ate it.
LUKE: I was gone two seconds.
LORELAI: Ketchup, please?
LUKE: By the time I get the ketchup, the fries'll be gone.
LORELAI: You're right, forget the ketchup.
LUKE: Slow down!
LORELAI: I can't slow down. I only have fifteen minutes before I have to get back to the inn.
LUKE: You're going to make yourself sick.
LORELAI: Yes, but my sickness will remind me of you, so it'll be romantic.
LUKE: Romantic nausea.
KIRK: I get that all the time.
LORELAI: h*t me with the pie.
LUKE: What pie?
LORELAI: The boysenberry pie.
LUKE: We're out of boysenberry pie.
LORELAI: How can you be out of boysenberry pie?
LUKE: Because someone ordered the last piece.
LORELAI: But I specifically asked you to save me a piece of boysenberry pie.
LUKE: Uh, no you didn't.
LORELAI: Uh, yes I did.
LUKE: When?
LORELAI: I left you a message.
LUKE: I never got a message.
LORELAI: I left it on your cell phone.
LUKE: Oh, is that what that annoying beeping sound was?
LORELAI: Yes. It was telling you that your girlfriend called and asked you to save her some pie.
LUKE: Well, I don't know how to use the voicemail.
LORELAI [laughs]: You don't?
LUKE: Or anything else on this stupid thing. I know how to make a call and answer a call and then I'm out.
LORELAI: Give me that. You have got to learn how to use this thing because it is very powerful and wonderful, and it will change your life.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I am putting my number on speed-dial, so all you have to do is press one, see, like 'I'm number one' [she raises one hand in the air like a cheerleader] and then - [her cell phone rings in her purse] - oh, I wonder who that could be? [She pulls it out and answers it.] Hello?
LUKE: Give me. [He takes his phone back from Lorelai and talks to her on it.] No cell phones in the diner.
[They hang up their cell phones.]
LORELAI: Oh, see, wasn't that fun?
LUKE: Totally.
LORELAI: Want me to put it on vibrate for you?
LUKE: Fifteen minutes are up.
LORELAI: Oh, crap, I got to go.
LUKE: Take a donut.
LORELAI: So then Sunday?
LUKE: Pick you up at eight.
LORELAI: I'll leave you a message letting you know your chances of getting lucky.
[Luke rolls his eyes.]
LORELAI: Hey, Kirk, how's the ribbon collecting coming?
LUKE: Oh, why do you get him started?
KIRK: I think we're near the finish line.
LORELAI: Who's winning?
LUKE: Hey, this isn't a contest.
LORELAI: I just want to know.
LUKE: I don't care who's winning.
LORELAI: Well, then you won't care if it's me.
LUKE [coming around the counter]: Well, of course it's you. You're the one who makes the costumes for the Christmas pageant. You make the ornaments for the Firelight Festival. You go to the town meetings. You say hello to people. You have a daughter that looks like she belongs on top of a Christmas tree. Everybody knows that gets you tons of points.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: There's no way to compete with that.
LORELAI: Kirk?
KIRK: You're kicking his ass.
LORELAI: Yes!
LUKE: This isn't a contest.
LORELAI: No, not now, it isn't. Kirk, I want a final tally, because the ribbon loser is buying the ribbon winner dinner Sunday night.
LUKE: Loser pays? When did we agree on that?
LORELAI: Oh, gee, I must have left that on your voicemail too.
[She leaves. Luke looks at Kirk.]
RORY'S CAR
[Evening. Rory is driving. Her cell phone rings, she answers it.]
RORY: Hey Mom.
[Scene cuts to Star's Hollow street where Lorelai is walking, carrying a bag from Luke's.]
LORELAI: Hey. How would you feel about doing a little shopping tomorrow?
RORY: Hurt. Confused. A little dirty.
LORELAI: I need to get a new getting-back-together-with-Luke dress for my back-together-with-Luke date.
RORY: Oh, where do you want to go?
LORELAI: How about the new place where you got the scarf with the bows on it?
RORY: Oh, yes, cute place.
LORELAI: I want to go to the cute place.
RORY: Ten o'clock?
LORELAI: I'll be the one holding coffee. So, uh, what are you doing tonight?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: What? Are you driving? Sounds like you're driving.
RORY: I am driving.
LORELAI: You are? Where are you going?
RORY: You know where I'm going, Mom.
LORELAI: Disneyland?
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: Puppy world?
RORY: You're so immature. You're going to make me say it?
LORELAI: Say what?
RORY [sighs]: I am on my way to Friday night dinner.
LORELAI: Ah-ha-ha! That's right. You're on the road to Hellville.
RORY: Do not gloat.
LORELAI: I'm not gloating. I'm gloating with hand gestures.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: And a little soft shoe.
RORY: Got to go.
LORELAI: Listen, enjoy your glazed woodcock with a side of truffled goose head.
RORY: Oh, what a shame, I'm here.
LORELAI: You are not.
RORY: See you tomorrow.
LORELAI: Oh, Rory, wait. I'm gloating with jazz hands.
RORY: Bye, Mom.
[She hangs up.]
LUKE'S DINER
[The diner is nearly dark. Kirk is the last customer.]
LUKE: Finish up, Kirk. I'm closing up early.
KIRK: You're going to see Lorelai tonight, aren't you?
LUKE: Actually no, she's working. I'm going to see her Sunday night.
KIRK: That sounds nice. You guys probably spend a lot of time together.
LUKE: Yes, we do.
KIRK: And you probably sleep over at each other's houses, too.
LUKE [coming over to his table]: Cookies are on the house, Kirk. Just go, okay?
KIRK: You know, Lulu's my first real girlfriend. I had an imaginary girlfriend for a while when I was young, but she left me.
LUKE: Well, that happens.
[Luke picks up the chair opposite Kirk to put it up on the table.]
KIRK: I wish Lulu and I could have what you and Lorelai have.
LUKE: Oh, you can have that, Kirk. You will have that. In fact, why don't you leave, and go have it right now?
KIRK: You know, I live with my mother.
LUKE [muttering to himself]: Apparently I'm officially in this conversation, don't know how it happened, but -
[Luke puts the chair back on the floor and sits on it.]
KIRK: My mother is allergic to Lulu. The minute Lulu comes in the room, my mother will cough and choke and turn red. Her throat closes up, everything gets puffy. Lulu's tried everything. She changed her soap, her perfume, shampoo, cream rinse, deodorant. She's actually kind of a mess right now. But nothing seems to work.
LUKE: Kirk -
KIRK: Obviously I can't have Mother choking three times a week, so I considered constructing a separate entrance to my room, so that Lulu won't actually have to walk through the house, but that's going to cost about forty thousand dollars, 'cause I'd have to break through a bearing wall, and
-
LUKE: Kirk, stop! This is ridiculous. You're a grown man. You have got to change your living situation.
KIRK: My mother won't move out. I've asked.
LUKE: I'm not talking about your mother. I'm talking about you.
KIRK: Me?
LUKE: Yes, you. Get a life. Get some independence. Get out of there.
KIRK: But -
LUKE: You want to have a real relationship with Lulu?
KIRK: Yes.
LUKE: Then grow up. Be a man.
KIRK: I'm not sure I understand what you're saying to me.
LUKE [getting up]: Well, Kirk, I have given you the Lincoln logs, and you have to build the cabin. [He shuts off the light.] Lock the door behind you.
[Luke heads upstairs.]
KIRK: You're not talking about a real cabin, are you? 'Cause if a new entrance is going to cost forty grand, then a cabin has got to be more.
LUKE [from upstairs]: Good night, Kirk!
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE
[The doorbell rings. Richard rushes toward the door.]
RICHARD: Emily! They're here! Hurry, please!
[He opens the door. Rory is holding a large duffel bag full of papers.]
RICHARD: My goodness! The bag is bigger than you are.
RORY: I brought you some recent issues of the Yale Daily News. We've been doing some really good articles lately.
RICHARD: And some with a by-line I might be familiar with, I hope?
RORY: I believe that, yes, you'll find some highlighted sections in your hymnals.
RICHARD: Then hand the bag over, my dear.
RORY: 'Kay.
[She kisses his cheek.]
EMILY: Sorry to keep everybody waiting.
RICHARD: Uh, luckily we had plenty to read. [He shows her the bag.]
EMILY: Hello, Rory.
RORY: Hello, Grandma.
EMILY: Let's go in the living room, shall we?
RICHARD: Excellent idea.
OLYMPIA: Pardon me, Mrs. Gilmore. Shall I put the salads out now, ma'am?
EMILY: We haven't had drinks yet, Olympia.
OLYMPIA: Yes, ma'am.
EMILY: I wrote it all down on the refrigerator pad for you, Olympia.
RORY: Is someone else coming for dinner?
RICHARD: Someone else? No. It's just going to be us.
RORY: Us, meaning just the three of us here, right? I mean, you know Mom's not coming.
[Richard and Emily exchange a look.]
RICHARD: Oh. Well, actually -
EMILY: Of course we knew your mother's not coming. The maid made a mistake. Olympia, it was three for dinner, not four. Well, she's fired. Clear that place at once, please. Richard, take Rory in the living room. I'll just do it myself.
RICHARD: All right.
[Rory and Richard go into the living room. Emily shoo's the maid away from the dining table. She reaches for the plate, then stops, clearly hurt. She braces herself against the chair.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE
[Later.]
EMILY: Now, I had Olympia write out the reheating instructions for the goose. And they work. I had her test it during dessert.
RORY: Thank you, Grandma.
EMILY: I also put some Perry and David fruit in there.
RICHARD: Oh, you can eat the pears with a spoon.
RORY: I'll remember that. Bye, Grandpa. Bye, Grandma.
RICHARD: Bye, bye.
EMILY: Bye, Rory.
[She closes the door.]
RICHARD: Well, that was a pleasant evening.
EMILY: Really? What dinner were you at?
RICHARD: Well, we weren't exactly sure she was coming, Emily.
EMILY: I was sure. I don't understand it. Why wasn't she here?
[Emily begins to pour herself a drink.]
RICHARD: Well, I'm guessing she had something to do.
EMILY: Something to do? What does that mean, something to do?
[Richard takes over making drinks, while Emily sits down.]
RICHARD: It means she had a previous engagement or meeting. A dinner, perhaps.
EMILY: I know what something to do means, Richard.
RICHARD: My apologies, Emily.
EMILY: It doesn't make any sense at all. I went down there. I arranged the whole thing. She got her filthy diner owner back. What is the problem?
RICHARD: I don't know! Lorelai is as much of a mystery to me as she is to you.
EMILY: I made a whole goose for three people. Wasteful.
RICHARD [thoughtfully]: Do you think it's possible that they didn't get back together?
EMILY: What?
RICHARD: Perhaps it didn't happen. Maybe he didn't understand what you were telling him to do.
EMILY: How could he not understand? I spelled it out for him, step by step. I spoke clearly and slowly. There is no way he didn't understand what I was telling him to do.
RICHARD: All right. Then perhaps he understood, but he simply didn't do it? He's not the most take-charge sort of fellow, you know. He never did follow through on my advice to franchise his diner.
EMILY: Oh, my God, you're right. He didn't do it. He didn't go to her like I specifically told him to.
RICHARD: So it would seem.
EMILY: What an imbecile that man is!
RICHARD: Well, you gave it your best effort. No one can say you didn't.
EMILY: I just don't believe it.
RICHARD: Don't worry, Emily. I'm sure she'll come around eventually. And then, at least, we won't have to deal with them as a couple. [Emily looks sadly into her empty glass.] Here, let me freshen up your drink.
CLOTHING SHOP
[Rory and Lorelai exit and begin walking down the street.]
RORY: If I still want that sweater in twenty minutes I'm coming back to get it.
LORELAI: Okay, wait. What is wrong with this picture?
RORY: Huh?
LORELAI: You - look at you. An armful of bags and a potential twenty-minute sweater on the way, and look at me. Completely bagless.
RORY: Relax, the day's still young.
LORELAI: There are no more clothes out there for me. The Lorelai look is over. I wish someone had told me.
RORY: That would've helped.
[A lady walks by.]
LORELAI: Oh, see? That's what I want. Hey, come on. Let's follow her.
RORY: I'm not following that girl.
LORELAI: But she knows where my stores are and she looks about my size, so if she happens to have an aneurysm between now and tomorrow night - what?
[Rory is looking across the street. Lorelai looks and sees Logan sitting at an outdoor cafe with another girl. They look very cozy.]
LORELAI: My God. Is that Logan? It is Logan. I can't believe it. What a jerk.
RORY: Mom, it's okay.
LORELAI: No, it's not okay! He's sitting over there with a girl and - oh, no you don't. Get me a rock.
RORY: Mom -
LORELAI: I am beaning him with a rock!
RORY: Mom! Stop, it's fine!
LORELAI: How is it fine? I'm sorry, aren't you still seeing him?
RORY: Well, yeah.
LORELAI: Okay, so if you're still seeing him and he's over there seeing her, how is that okay?
RORY: Because. We're keeping things casual.
LORELAI: Casual?
RORY: We see each other, we see other people, and that's him over there, seeing other people. So it's fine.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: We both agreed.
LORELAI: Okay. You both agreed, then, okay. But, aren't you guys sleeping together?
RORY: Mom. It's college.
LORELAI [frowning]: Oh, right. It's college.
RORY: We're both busy. We have class, we have friends. You know, it's good to just keep things cas, have fun. That's it.
LORELAI: Fun. Sure. I get it. Friends with benefits. No problem, I watch Oprah. [She sighs.] Okay, so. Are you sure you're cool with this?
RORY: I'm completely cool with this.
LORELAI: 'Kay. 'Cause it just really bothers -
RORY [cutting her off]: Mom, look over there! I think the Lorelai look is back, and it's in velvet!
[Rory keeps walking down the street. Lorelai follows, staring at Logan.]
DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai is showing the photographer around.]
LORELAI: So, Hal, what do you think? Living room, reception area might be a nice place to start.
HAL: I really need to sh**t the exteriors first. We're about to lose the light.
LORELAI: Oh, great idea. Well, let me tell you, we are very proud of our exteriors. Why don't I get Michel to show you outside and help you set up?
HAL: Okay.
[Lorelai leaves Hal at the door and walks to the reception desk.]
MICHEL [On the phone]: No, no. This is unacceptable. Put your supervisor on the phone. Now, now, right now!
LORELAI: Hey, everything okay, Michel?
MICHEL: Yes, everything is fine. Lots of sunshine. I'll be right with you. [On the phone.] I insist you do something about this before I go out and find a stick and make it pointy and come and find your cubicle and poke you very hard!
LORELAI [walking back to the door]: Hey, tell you what. Why don't I just show you outside myself?
HAL: Okay.
MICHEL: Sure, I'll hold.
[They go outside.]
YALE NEWSPAPER OFFICE
[Rory is typing at her desk. Logan comes in.]
LOGAN: Now, that's a look of great determination.
RORY: Yes, I'm determined to finish this piece before my caffeine buzz wears off and I have about thirty seconds left.
[Logan sits down on the corner of the desk.]
LOGAN: So.
RORY: So.
LOGAN: Did I see you on State Street with...
RORY: Yeah.
LOGAN: Right. So you saw me on State Street with...
RORY: Yep.
LOGAN: So.
RORY: So.
LOGAN: Are we still good?
RORY: Absolutely.
LOGAN: Really?
RORY: Logan, we both agreed. No strings attached. Remember?
LOGAN: I remember. I was just checking to see how well you remember.
RORY: I remember perfectly.
LOGAN: Okay, that's good to hear. So -
RORY: Oh, we're not going to do the 'so' thing again, are we?
LOGAN: No, promise. No more so's. Would you take an 'um'?
RORY: Depends. Where's it leading?
LOGAN: Um, are you busy, or do you feel like grabbing a cup of coffee?
RORY: Why, do you have a master key to a Starbuck's or something?
LOGAN: Nah, just thought we'd walk in and pay.
RORY: Wow. Old school. Sure, let's go.
LOGAN: Okay, let's go.
[Logan walks out. Rory gets up and follows.]
DRAGONFLY INN
[Outside. They are getting ready for the photo sh**t.]
LORELAI: Yeah, there. Right there. How's it looking, Hal?
HAL: I think we're good with the flowers. Let's start clearing everyone out of there.
[Lorelai walks toward the porch. Sookie comes out and places a platter of food on the porch railing.]
SOOKIE: How's it going?
LORELAI: I think we're getting ready to sh**t. What are you doing?
SOOKIE: Well, just in case he doesn't have time to do the sh*t of the kitchen, people will get to see the food.
LORELAI: You're insane. [Calling to Hal] Okay, we're ready!
[Michel rushes out the front door, yelling into his cell phone.]
MICHEL: Okay, try something else! I don't care, just stop it! Block it with your body! Tien an Men Square! Be a hero!
LORELAI: Uh, Michel, what's wrong?
MICHEL: I will tell you what's wrong. Ned the bellman is wrong. He's useless! I gave him specific instructions and he ignored them!
LORELAI: What the hell is that?
[A gigantic motor home drives around the corner.]
MICHEL: No, no, no! Do not drive that here! It was not supposed to arrive for two more days.
LORELAI: Seriously, what is that?
MICHEL: My ‘over one hundred thousand dollar in cash and prizes'.
LORELAI: That's what you won?
MICHEL: That, and many boxes of some sort of instant rice dish that I have yet to feel the need to sample.
[The motor home parks directly in front of the front door. A man gets out.]
MAN: Are you Michel Girard?
MICHEL: Yes.
MAN: Well, Michel Gerard, I am pleased to present you with your motor home. Step on inside and I'll show you how everything works.
MICHEL: I don't want to know how it works. I don't want it here at all.
LORELAI: Michel, I don't understand.
MICHEL: After I won this monstrosity, I told them I did not want it. I wanted the cash. But they said they would only give me half of what it was worth!
SOOKIE: Yeah! Jackson's cousin won a washer and dryer on the twenty five thousand dollar Pyramid, but he decided to take half the cash value ‘cause he likes to go to the Laundromat to pick up women.
MICHEL: Well, I am not Jackson's cousin. I have all of my chromosomes, and I don't want half of the cash value. I want the entire hundred thousand dollars that was flashing under my face.
MAN: Excuse me. Do you want to know how to use it or not? ‘Cause the leveling can be a little tricky.
MICHEL: No, I do not want to know how to use it!
MAN: Okay. [He hands him the key.] Enjoy your day.
MICHEL: Drop d*ad and we'll discuss it. They told me I had a week before they were delivering it. I put an ad online and I was going to sell it. And then I get a call that it is coming and it has not been a week!
LORELAI: Oh, wait, sir? Could I, uh, pay you to just take this away for an hour? You know, drive it around, show it the sights?
MAN: Sorry. Once we deliver the keys, it's out of our hands.
HAL: Uh, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Taking care of it, Hal.
HAL: By the time all this dust clears, I'm afraid we'll have lost the light anyway.
LORELAI: No, no, we're not losing the light. We'll keep the light, lose the dust. Sookie, get the dust busters? Michel, move this thing.
SOOKIE: Squawk at the roast?
LORELAI: Michel!
MICHEL: I don't know how it works!
LORELAI: Figure it out!
MICHEL: You figure it out! It's like the space shuttle in here.
HAL: Okay. We're done here.
LORELAI: What? No!
HAL: It's too late. I can take some interior sh*ts just for the hell of it.
LORELAI: Oh, sure. Sookie, why don't you show him the kitchen?
SOOKIE: Really? Great. Follow me.
[Sookie and Hal go inside.]
LORELAI: You know, I can't believe it. I can't believe you had your motor home delivered here, to the inn, today!
MICHEL: I was supposed to have a week!
LORELAI: You know, Michel, I know the world revolves around you and we all have to understand that, but this was important.
MICHEL: I didn't think it was coming today.
LORELAI: You didn't think, period. You know, I don't always expect you to be a great help around here, but how about not being a super colossal hindrance to us all, okay!
[She stomps into the inn, leaving Michel with nothing but hurt feelings and his motor home.]
YALE DINING HALL
[Rory is sitting in a big couch, reading. Robert approaches her.]
ROBERT: Business or pleasure?
[Rory looks up, smiles, and show him the book she is reading.]
ROBERT: Social Origins of Dictatorship and Democracy: Lord and peasant and the making of the modern world. Oh. Pleasure.
RORY: Have you read it?
ROBERT: I'm waiting for the film to come out.
RORY: Yeah, I heard Renee Zellweger is gaining a ton of weight to play the peasant.
ROBERT: Listen, I was wondering if you're doing anything tomorrow night.
RORY: Oh. Um, I don't know. Why?
ROBERT: Well, it's Finn's birthday. He's having a party. Lots of booze, no food whatsoever.
RORY: Ah, that Finn.
ROBERT: I was wondering if you'd like to go.
RORY: With you?
ROBERT: Well, that was the plan, yes.
RORY: Oh. [Thinks for a moment] Well, um, sure.
ROBERT: Yes?
RORY: Yes. I'd love to. Um, let's celebrate another year of Finn.
ROBERT: Excellent. Now, it's themed. Anything Quentin Tarantino is acceptable, and I'll pick you up at your room around nine.
RORY: Sounds good.
ROBERT: Does it? Well, how about that.
[He leaves. Rory has a smug look on her face, proud of her ‘casual dating'.]
DRAGONFLY INN – LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai walks in.]
LORELAI: Hey, Sookie, have you seen Michel? He was arranging a car to take the Martins to Foxwoods.
SOOKIE: I think he's showing some people the motor home.
LORELAI: Now?
SOOKIE: He asked me if it was okay. I told him it was okay. Is it okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, it's okay, but why didn't he just ask me?
SOOKIE: I think he's a little afraid of you.
LORELAI: Afraid of me? Of kitten? Was I really that mean?
SOOKIE: You were upset.
LORELAI: I was mean.
SOOKIE: You know Michel. He likes to dish it out, but he's extremely sensitive if you give it back.
LORELAI: Yeah. I guess.
SOOKIE: You can't even tease him. He never wore those red cowboy boots again.
LORELAI [cringes]: I remember.
SOOKIE: I'm sure he'll get over it. You know Michel.
LORELAI: Yeah. Hey, could you ask Eddie to get the Martins a car?
SOOKIE [nods]: You got it.
[Lorelai heads outside.]
DRAGONFLY INN – OUTSIDE
[Michel is walking around the motor home, followed by five or six people.]
MAN: What's the gas mileage like?
MICHEL: Hmm?
MAN: The gas mileage?
MICHEL: It's five thousand pounds of metal on wheels. I'm sure the mileage is fabulous.
MAN: Would you take twenty for it?
MICHEL: Twenty? But it's brand new, and – oh, whatever. Twenty, sure. You got a cheque?
LORELAI: Oh, whoa, whoa! [Sales voice.] Hi. What Michel means to say is that he would happily entertain all offers for this top-of-the-line streamlined beautiful motor home. I mean, look at it! I just may buy it myself.
MICHEL: What are you talking about?
WOMAN [to her husband]: Offer thirty.
LORELAI: Hey, has everyone seen inside this baby? ‘Cause if you haven't, you need to. Seriously. [She lures them inside the motor home.] And while you're taking a look, please note the plush soil and stain resistant wall-to-wall wallpaper, that acts as the beautiful maple-ish paneling. Huh? Yeah.
[The last viewer steps inside.]
LORELAI [to Michel]: Twenty grand? You're just giving this thing away.
MICHEL: That's what I was told to do. I didn't know about the maple-ish paneling.
LORELAI: Michel, you can't sell this thing for twenty thousand dollars. What are you thinking?
MICHEL: Apparently I'm not. Apparently I never think. [He turns away.]
LORELAI: Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
MICHEL: Whatever.
LORELAI: Michel, I was just tense about the photo sh**t and I said things I shouldn't have said. You know I didn't mean them, right?
MICHEL: I do not know that at all.
LORELAI: I think you do. I think you know this inn could not run without you. And I think you know I know this inn could not run without you.
MICHEL: What about your photo sh**t? I ruined it for you, no?
LORELAI: We rescheduled the photo sh**t. Everything's fine.
MICHEL: I could have told you they'd reschedule. Everything with you is so dramatic.
LORELAI [smiles]: So what are we going to do here?
MICHEL: Oh, well, I just want the thing gone.
LORELAI: Michel, you had one hundred thousand dollars flash in front of your face and the entire world saw it. Now come on, go get your money.
MICHEL: Well –
LORELAI: Seriously, Michel, the, uh, rube with the crossed eyes and the bolo tie, I say that's your man.
MICHEL: He does look stupid, doesn't he?
LORELAI: Yeah. And familiar with the, uh, ways of hooking up things to local sewer lines. Huh? Go get ‘em!
MICHEL: Yes, I'll zero in on him. Worse comes to worst, the woman with the elastic waist jeans should be a nice backup.
LORELAI: Attaboy.
MICHEL: You know, if I hold out, maybe I can get a hundred and twenty thousand instead of –
LORELAI: Just sell the thing!
MICHEL: Right.
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai stands in front of the mirror, wearing a slinky dress and looking rather unhappy. She picks up the phone. Scene cuts between here and Rory's dorm, where she is also getting ready for the evening.]
RORY: Well?
LORELAI: It's too sparkly.
RORY: It's not too sparkly.
LORELAI: I look like a chandelier.
RORY: What shoes are you wearing?
LORELAI: The pink pumps.
RORY: I like those.
LORELAI: Are they a little too ‘Come and get it'?
RORY: Don't you want him to come and get it?
LORELAI: Uh, yes, but I want it to be his idea to come and get it. It's not the same if the shoes tell him to ‘Come and get it'.
RORY: I really, really want to stop saying ‘Come and get it'.
LORELAI: Fine.
RORY: I have to get ready.
LORELAI: Going out?
RORY: As a matter of fact, I have a date tonight.
LORELAI: Logan?
RORY: No, Robert.
LORELAI: Who's Robert?
RORY: He's a friend.
LORELAI: Have I met this Robert?
RORY: No, you have not met this Robert.
LORELAI: What's his last name?
RORY: Why? Do you think I'm making him up?
LORELAI: I just wondered if I ever heard you mention him before.
RORY: Um, he's just a guy I know at Yale, and there's a party tonight for another guy I know at Yale, and Robert [Pause] Grimmaldi asked me to go, so I am going to go.
LORELAI: So, does this mean it's over with Logan?
RORY: Nope. It just means that tonight I'm going out with Robert.
LORELAI [confused]: And you like this Robert, right?
RORY: Right. You know. The party's a Quentin Tarantino themed party, and you have to wear a costume, so I'm going as Gogo.
LORELAI: ‘Cause you have the skirt.
RORY: And no other ideas.
LORELAI: Cluelessness is the mother of invention. Call me after.
RORY: I will do that.
LORELAI: Oh, this dress is too slutty.
RORY: The dress is fine. The person in it, however –
LORELAI [gasps]: You're breaking up, the, the house is going through a tunnel. You're breaking up, I – [She makes a crinkling sound with her throat, then hangs up.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE – LATER
[Luke gets out of his truck. He walks half way up the sidewalk, but Lorelai exits the house and meets him there.]
LUKE: Oh, I was just gonna –
LORELAI: I just heard the car, so I –
LUKE [points at the house]: No, but I always –
LORELAI: I know. Yeah, I know.
LUKE: No, I should've.
[There is an awkward pause. They are smiling at each other.]
LORELAI: ‘Kay, this is stupid.
LUKE: Yes, it is.
LORELAI: It's not like we've never done this before.
LUKE: We have.
LORELAI: And successfully.
LUKE: I've made it to the door.
LORELAI: I've made it to the car.
[They both take a deep breath, still smiling.]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hey.
[He puts his arm around her and they walk to the truck. Lorelai gets in, Luke closes her car door and walks around.]
LUKE: So I thought we'd go to Marino's. You like Marino's, right?
LORELAI: Mmm. [Her attention is on the C.D. in her hand. She looks baffled as she holds it up.] What is this?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Reggae Fever?
LUKE: So?
LORELAI: When did you buy this? Where did you buy this? Why did you buy this?
LUKE: I was at the gas station last week. It was at the register. What's the big deal?
LORELAI: The big deal is it's Reggae Fever.
LUKE: I know!
LORELAI: When you look in the mirror, do you see Reggae Fever?
LUKE: It was cheap.
LORELAI: ‘Ja Glory' by Toots Bambada. ‘Lively up Yourself' by the Family Zigzag, ‘Let your Ya be Ya' by Ranking Roy. What else am I going to find in here? Ganja and a yellow, green and red knit cap?
LUKE: I bought a C.D. I didn't adopt the entire Rastafarian culture.
LORELAI: This is so weird. I mean, to think that there was this whole chunk of time when we weren't together. We were living totally separate lives. I was just working like crazy and you were running around, buying reggae C.D.'s.
LUKE: One C.D. One.
LORELAI [sighs]: I just hate that we were apart.
LUKE: Yeah, wasn't too fond of it myself.
LORELAI: Well, all I can say is, you're lucky I'm back in your life, because clearly you were lost without me. I mean, it's a miracle you're even still alive. Right?
LUKE: You bet.
[They smile. Luke starts the truck.]
Q.T. PARTY
[Rory and Robert walk in. Robert is wearing a white t-shirt covered in blood, and Rory is back in the Chilton uniform, dressed as Gogo Yubari. A girl walks by with a tray of sh*ts. Robert grabs two.]
ROBERT: Not a moment too soon. [He offers one to Rory.]
RORY: Oh, no thanks. I think I'm going to try to get through the doorway first.
ROBERT: Huh, novel approach. You're going to be an interesting date.
[Finn joins them, dressed as Vincent Vega.]
FINN: Robert! What are you?
ROBERT: d*ad extra number two.
FINN: Brilliant, my friend.
ROBERT: Happy birthday, Finn. You owe me forty dollars.
FINN: Well, maybe for my birthday you'll forgive me that. [Robert gives him a serious look. Finn pulls out his wallet.] Does your father have any idea what a toll his cross-dressing took on your psyche?
ROBERT: That was your father, Finn.
FINN: Ah, you're right. [He holds up his hands to display the painted fingernails.] My God, that explains a lot. Do I know you?
ROBERT: Rory Gilmore, Finn.
FINN: Pleasure to meet you. [Rory smiles awkwardly.] All right, children, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we will all be in a great deal of pain. [He takes the tray of sh*ts from the girl who is walking past again.] Thank you, darling. Your name and phone number would also be appreciated. [She walks away. Finn winks and dances after her.]
RORY: Finn's quite an original.
ROBERT: Yes, he is. Have I told you I like your costume?
RORY: No, you didn't.
[She sees Logan on a couch with the Bride. His costume is Butch Coolidge. He smiles at Rory.]
ROBERT: All right. Did that count, or are you expecting me to say it again?
RORY: I think we're good.
[Cut over to Logan on the couch.]
LOGAN: Let's get a drink.
[They get up. Cut back to Rory and Robert. Colin, wearing a blond wig as Bill, joins them.]
RORY: Oh, hey, Colin. Where's your date?
COLIN: I went to go pick her up. She's dressed like Mira Sorvino.
ROBERT: How do you dress like Mira Sorvino?
COLIN: You have blonde hair and a name tag that says ‘Mira Sorvino'. I just turned around and left.
LOGAN [joining the group]: Well, well, well. The g*ng's all here. Robert, good to see you.
ROBERT: Hello, Logan.
LOGAN: Rory, like the costume.
RORY: I like yours too.
LOGAN: This is Whitney. Whitney, Robert, Rory. You know Colin.
WHITNEY: Hi.
COLIN: Whitney, is your friend Josie here?
WHITNEY: Yeah, she's over there with the guy dressed like Harvey Weinstein.
COLIN: Perfect. I'll see you later.
WHITNEY: Leave her alone, Colin.
COLIN: Yes, yes. Of course. [He goes.]
LOGAN: So. Good party, huh?
ROBERT: Seems like it.
RORY: Music's cool.
LOGAN: Very cool. Well, we're just heading over to the bar, can we get you two anything?
ROBERT: No, we're just going to take a look around.
LOGAN: Okay, well, catch you later.
RORY: Sounds good. [They head in different directions.] Hey, Robert.
ROBERT: Yes.
RORY: What's your last name?
LUKE'S TRUCK
[Lorelai is playing with the swan-shaped leftovers. Reggae Fever is playing.]
LUKE: My God, turn that off!
LORELAI: Getting to you, huh?
LUKE: You keep playing the same song over and over and over.
[They get out of the truck.]
LORELAI: I've got news for you. That was not the same song.
LUKE: Oh my God, you're kidding.
[They hear a noise from inside Lorelai's garage.]
LUKE: What was that?
LORELAI: I don't know.
LUKE: Sounds like it came from the garage.
LORELAI: There's someone in my garage?
[They head over to find out what it is. Luke picks up a shovel.]
LORELAI: Huh. Weird time for gardening, isn't it?
LUKE: It could be like a raccoon.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, don't shovel the raccoon.
LUKE: Just stay back, will you?
LORELAI: No, Luke! You can't hurt a raccoon. They're cute. They have face masks like little furry burglars.
LUKE: And sharp teeth that chew through your wiring, and rabies –
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: I'm not going to h*t it, I'm going to scare it.
LORELAI: Hey! Why don't you play it your Reggae Fever.
[Luke pushes around her and into the garage. Lorelai follows him.]
LORELAI [whispering]: Do you see it?
LUKE: Sh! [He listens for a moment.] That's one hell of a raccoon.
LORELAI: Shovel him. Shovel him! Shovel him!
[Luke turns on the light. Kirk is asleep in the boat. He has a blanket barely covering his body.]
LORELAI: I probably should be more surprised than I am, right?
[Luke bangs on the side of the boat with the shovel.]
LUKE: Kirk! Wake up.
[Kirk stretches and sits up.]
LORELAI: And he's naked. [She holds up her hand, Luke turns away.]
LUKE: Oh, Kirk! Geez!
KIRK: Where am I?
LORELAI: You're in my house, Kirk.
LUKE: You're in my boat, Kirk.
KIRK: I'm exposed.
LORELAI: We know, Kirk.
LUKE: Yeah, let's do something about that, huh, Kirk?
KIRK [wrapping himself in the blanket]: I'm good now.
[Luke and Lorelai turn to face him. Lorelai leans on the edge of the boat.]
LORELAI [calmly]: Kirk. Whatcha doin' here?
KIRK: I left Mother's.
LORELAI: No, did you have a fight? Did she take away your Beach Boys album again?
KIRK: No, I just got so excited about the thought of a new life, you know? Of striking out on my own and being my own man. Right, Luke?
LORELAI: Right, Luke?
KIRK: So I did it. I packed my clothes and I gave my mother my key and I said good bye and I left.
LORELAI: Aw, Kirk. That's a big deal, you leaving like that.
KIRK: I know it is. But Luke explained to me that if I really want to move to the next level with Lulu and have a real, grownup relationship, with sleepovers and everything, then I had to get out.
LUKE: I don't think that's exactly what I said.
KIRK: Oh, yes, it was. And I felt really good about it, until I realized that I had no place to go. I probably should have found an apartment first.
LUKE: Probably.
LORELAI: You can stay in Rory's room.
KIRK: Really?
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: Just for tonight. We'll find you some place tomorrow.
KIRK: Okay.
[He gets up to go inside.]
KIRK: You know, I think you've got a raccoon in here.
LORELAI: Just go on in the house, Kirk. [He goes. She turns to Luke.] What were you thinking?
LUKE: Kirk was at the diner talking about how he wished how he and Lulu had what we have, and I just mentioned –
LORELAI: Are you insane? Everybody knows you can't mention anything to Kirk.
LUKE: I was cornered. I was tired. I wanted to go to sleep.
LORELAI: Well, now we have to go in there and take care of him. He is now our responsibility.
LUKE: But –
LORELAI: Uh, uh! Pottery Barn, baby. You break it, you buy it.
LUKE: Ah, geez.
[Lorelai goes inside.]
Q.T. PARTY
[The party is in full swing. Rory and Robert are standing at a table.]
ROBERT: My entire goal in life is to outlive my brother, inherit the family fortune, put all my sisters out on the street and live as frivolously as possible, have numerous wives, thousands of illegitimate children and die completely alone and leave every cent to a parrot named Polly.
RORY: That's your entire goal in life.
ROBERT: Except for the name of the parrot, I stick to everything I just said.
RORY: You're a fascinating specimen, Robert.
COLIN [joining them]: Well, Josie's a lesbian.
RORY: You struck out, Colin?
COLIN: Whatever. Is Lydia here?
ROBERT: Yeah, she's here with Patrick, her fiancé.
COLIN: God, I hate these stupid incestuous parties! It's the same people over and over.
[Finn comes up from behind and puts his arm around Colin.]
FINN: Who's as drunk as I am?
COLIN: No one since Spencer Tracy died. Finn, are there any interesting women here at all?
FINN: Have you tried Josie?
COLIN: I'm getting a drink.
FINN: All righty. I have to go make the rounds. [To Rory] Have I met you yet?
RORY: Several times.
FINN: All right then. [He leaves.]
ROBERT: So, how about that drink?
RORY: Nothing too strong?
ROBERT: I'll see what I can do. [He leaves her alone at the table. Logan approaches her.]
LOGAN: Hey, Ace. Having a good time?
RORY: I am, thanks.
LOGAN: Good. That's good. Me, too. I'm having a good time too.
RORY: Good.
LOGAN: Yes, it is good. [He takes a drink.] So I didn't know you knew Robert.
RORY: I met him at the Life and Death Brigade gathering. And the poker game.
LOGAN: Oh. Right, right. Well, he must have made quite an impression.
RORY: He just asked me out, is all.
LOGAN: Sure. [Takes another drink.] He's kind of a jerk.
RORY: Excuse me?
LOGAN: Robert. He's kind of a jerk. Haven't you noticed he's kind of a jerk?
RORY: Nope.
LOGAN: Huh. [Drinks.] Night's young. Okay, come on.
RORY: Where are we going? Logan!
[He grabs her wrist and pulls her into a corner.]
LOGAN: You look great.
RORY: Thank you.
[He kisses her forcefully. After a moment, she pushes him away.]
RORY: Logan, stop.
LOGAN: Right, so, how you been?
RORY: I've been fine.
LOGAN: Good. School's good?
RORY: School's hard.
LOGAN: Well, it's supposed to be hard. It's grounding you for life.
[They kiss.]
LOGAN: Making you an upstanding citizen.
[They kiss.
RORY: God-fearing Christian.
LOGAN: Habitual recycler.
[They kiss. Rory stops him.]
RORY: We can't do this here, Logan.
LOGAN: You're right. Let's go.
RORY: Go where?
LOGAN: Your place. My place. Let's take a train to New York, spend the night in the Plaza.
RORY: We can't just leave. We have dates.
LOGAN: I don't like this.
RORY: Like what?
LOGAN: You here with Robert.
RORY: You're here with Whitney.
LOGAN: I know!
RORY: So, what's the problem?
LOGAN: The problem is you're here with Robert and it's bothering me, and I don't like that it's bothering me.
RORY: Sorry. Do you want us to leave?
LOGAN: No, I want us to leave. You and me.
RORY: I can't do that.
LOGAN: Oh, you want to spend the rest of the night with Robert instead of me?
RORY: I came here with Robert.
LOGAN: So dump Robert! I hate Robert!
RORY: He's your friend!
LOGAN: So what? I still hate him.
RORY: Logan, you're the one who said –
LOGAN: I know what I said.
RORY: Okay, then. I have to go. I have a date. Enjoy the rest of the party.
[She crosses the room. Finn's Vincent has found his Mia and they are dancing up a storm in the middle of the dance floor.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Luke and Lorelai are hanging out in the kitchen.]
LUKE: There's nothing in here but ice cream, candy bars, cookie dough, canned frosting. Why are you not four hundred and fifty pounds? [He puts a liter of ice cream on the table.]
LORELAI: I know. Scientists call it the Lorelai Paradox.
LUKE: Who are you calling?
LORELAI: No one. Just seeing if Rory left a message.
[Luke sets two bowls on the table.]
LORELAI: Who's washing those?
[Luke puts the bowls away.]
LUKE: Why, was she supposed to leave a message?
LORELAI: No, I was just hoping.
[He puts two spoons on the table.]
LORELAI: Are we out of plastic?
[Luke goes back to the drawer.]
LUKE: Why were you hoping? Everything okay with her?
LORELAI: Yeah, she just had a date tonight. Get four, those tend to break.
[Luke gets up again.]
LUKE: Okay. Uh, she out with that Logan kid?
LORELAI: No. Robert.
LUKE: Who's Robert?
LORELAI: I know nothing about him except his last name is Grimmaldi.
LUKE: When did she break up with Logan?
LORELAI: She didn't.
LUKE: I don't understand.
LORELAI: It's college.
LUKE: What does that mean?
LORELAI: It means, butt out, back off, none of your business.
LUKE: Oh.
LORELAI: Rory suddenly decided she's dating girl.
LUKE: Well, that's okay, right? Isn't that what kids are supposed to do?
LORELAI: It's just, it's not Rory. I don't think it's what is going to make her happy. It seems wrong for her.
LUKE: You say something to her?
LORELAI: No. I mean, she's been so chatty lately, wanting to be able to talk about Logan and her life, so now I just don't know what to do.
LUKE: You talk back.
LORELAI: I am, but I just feel like I need to be really careful what I say.
LUKE: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.
LORELAI: Well, she's not at home anymore. She' s on her own.
LUKE: Doesn't matter.
LORELAI: It matters a little. You know, there have been very few times in our relationship when I ever played the ‘mom card'. But I always had it there in my back pocket. And when I used it she had to hear it and take it, ‘cause she lived here. And even if she didn't like it or even if she got mad, the worst that would happen is she would run into her room and slam the door and blast the Jam. But then in the morning, I controlled the bathroom, and the, and the Pop-tarts, and she had to deal with me. And eventually we'd make up and it was over. But now –
LUKE: Nothing's different.
LORELAI: Of course it is. It's different. She's on her own. She's making her own decisions. My ‘mom card' is looking a little flimsier, and I don't know how much to say to her. If she doesn't want to hear it, she doesn't have to take it. She doesn't have to call, or come home.
LUKE: She'll call. She'll come home.
[Kirk, wrapped in his Superman blanket, comes out of Rory's bedroom, presumably looking for the bathroom.]
LORELAI: Yeah. I hope so. I don't know. [They hear a door open.] Did we lock the front door?
LUKE: I'll be right back. [He gets up.] Kirk! Get back here, Kirk!
LUKE'S DINER
[Emily enters, furious.]
EMILY: What on earth is wrong with you, besides the obvious lack of fashion sense?
LUKE: What are you –
EMILY: I told you to get back together with Lorelai! I told you exactly what to do and exactly what to say. What do you need, a cheat sheet?
LUKE: Emily –
EMILY: Some flash cards, some Sesame Street characters to sing a song about it?
LUKE: Look!
EMILY: Do you think that it was easy for me to come to you like that? Do you think I enjoyed it? Like I was just sitting around my house thinking, hmm, what shall I do tonight? I know. I can drive to Stars Hollow and humiliate myself at the local greasy spoon!
LUKE: Okay, I am in the middle of –
EMILY: I don't care what you're in the middle of! My family is being torn apart because for some reason you are incapable of taking simple instructions and putting your relationship back together! [As she is talking, Luke takes his cell phone out of his pocket, presses a button and sets it on the counter.]
STARS HOLLOW
[Down the street, Lorelai's phone rings.]
LORELAI: Hello?
EMILY: Just because you run a diner and have mastered the art of the blank stare does not mean it's going to work with me!
[Lorelai looks around, confused, then gets it.]
LORELAI: Ah –
[She runs to the diner.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai rushes in. Emily is still screeching at Luke]
EMILY: And Richard went through a great deal of trouble to set the whole thing up, and you never even called Herb Smith! Apparently, you can't follow through with anything! Not even a razor!
LORELAI: Mom, what are you doing here?
EMILY: I am having what I'm sure will turn out to be yet another fruitless conversation with this man.
LORELAI [to Luke]: I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: Mom, go home. You have no right to barge in here and cause a scene.
EMILY: I have something I want to say.
LORELAI: No! We don't want to hear what you have to say! We just want you to please butt out of our lives!
EMILY: Our lives? [She looks at Luke] So there's an ‘our lives'? Are you two back together?
LORELAI: Yes, we are.
EMILY [smiles at Luke]: So you did go to her. Just like I told you to.
LUKE: We got back together because we wanted to get back together.
EMILY [turns back to Lorelai[: Then I simply don't understand. If you're together, then what's the problem?
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
EMILY: Why won't you come to Friday dinner? Whatever happened between the two of you, I obviously fixed it, so –
LORELAI: You fixed it? You broke it! Just because Luke and I found a way to repair the damage doesn't erase the fact that it happened!
EMILY: What I did I did out of concern.
LORELAI: Oh, please!
EMILY: As your mother, I have the right to be concerned. Especially when it looks like you're taking your life down a completely disastrous path. I had to jump in, and –
LORELAI [growling]: Mom!
EMILY [shocked]: Lorelai!
LORELAI: Please hear me. If I want your input in my life in any way, shape or form, I will ask for it. Until then, do us all a favor and shut up!
[Emily, stunned, looks at her daughter for a moment, then turns and walks out the door.]
LUKE: Well, I gotta say, suddenly a big fan of speed-dial.
[Lorelai, drained and obviously shocked at what just happened, sits on the stool. Luke squeezes her hand and leaves her alone.]
DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai's cell phone rings. Scene cuts between the inn and Rory's dorm.]
LORELAI: Hey, kid, what's going on?
RORY: I just got a call from Kirk. He wanted to know if he could crash at my dorm.
LORELAI: Ho, boy.
RORY: How did he get my number?
LORELAI: Oh, he probably got it off the fridge.
RORY: Okay. And what was Kirk doing near our fridge?
LORELAI: It's a long story.
RORY: Okay, well, tell me later. I want to hear how the back-together date went.
LORELAI: It was very successful.
RORY: Did he like the dress?
LORELAI: The dress was a h*t.
RORY: I told you.
LORELAI: And, um, how was your, uh, date with Robert?
RORY: Completely insane. You won't believe the evening I had.
LORELAI: Oh, tell me.
RORY: So Robert and I get to the party, and Logan was there, and at first everything was completely cas, and then as the evening went on, he got more and more jealous.
LORELAI: Huh, really?
RORY: Oh yeah. He wanted me to leave with him, blow off Robert.
LORELAI [shocked]: And did you?
RORY: No, of course not. I told him that I came with Robert and I was leaving with Robert, and I walked away, and it was great.
LORELAI: Sounds great.
RORY: And since then, by the way, Logan has called twice today, we're going out tonight, and we've already made plans for this week. Complete and total turn-around.
LORELAI: Wow. Well, sounds like all the balls are in your court. Or, well, you know what I mean.
RORY: You okay? You sound down.
LORELAI: No, no, no. I'm fine. So what are you going to wear tonight?
RORY: Oh, I thought I'd go with the twenty-minute sweater.
LORELAI: Oh, cute. Cute.
[Michel walks by, talking on the inn's cordless.]
MICHEL: The answer is no. Look, Jerry. I sold you the motor home. It is now yours. I'm a very busy man. I do not have time for this. [Pause.] All right. For twenty dollars I will measure the shower for you. [He goes outside.] No, that is on top of the forty for the cupboard space and the pull-out table. Well, I'm sorry if you're feeling ripped off. I can call Elastic Pants Lady and see if she'd like to take the motor home off your hands. [Pause.] I thought so. Hold on.
[He opens the door on the side of the motor home. He gets in and pulls a measuring tape out of his pocket. He walks toward the back end. Kirk is asleep, naked, in the bed. Michel sighs, glares, and leaves.]
____________________END_______________________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x17 - Pulp Friction"} | foreverdreaming |
STARS HOLLOW
[Town residents are standing in a long line going into a large brick house with massive white columns. Lorelai and Sookie are near the back of the line, with Davey asleep in his stroller.]
LORELAI: Ugh, raisins. What are the pruney red things?
SOOKIE: Dried cranberries.
LORELAI: Gone. What's this?
SOOKIE: Carob.
LORELAI: Adios.
SOOKIE: Okay, why do we buy trail mix if you're going to pick everything out?
LORELAI: Well, they've ruined trail mix. Used to be simple. Now they put too much stuff in it. Your mouth doesn't know what to expect with any given bite. Will it be fruity? Will it be granola-y? Will it be chocolate substitute-y? What's this?
SOOKIE: Soybean.
LORELAI: Bah, squirrel food! [She throws the soybean on the ground.]
[Taylor, ahead of them, turns around.]
TAYLOR: Ladies, please. We're saying good-bye to Mr. Twickham.
SOOKIE: So?
TAYLOR: The man's on his deathbed. Show a little respect.
LORELAI: Taylor, Old Man Twickham's been dying for twenty years.
MISS PATTY: This is my seventeenth time saying adios.
LORELAI: Yeah, I think you have the record, Patty.
SOOKIE: I forget, when was the last time we thought he was dying?
MISS PATTY: It's been a good two years.
LORELAI: I remember now. The last time - the rain?
SOOKIE: We got drenched.
LORELAI: Made the whole "he's dying" thing a total bummer.
TAYLOR: Ladies, please! You may not be respecting this moment but all the rest of us are.
[Kirk walks by carrying an assortment of flags, beach balls, hats, and other souvenirs.]
KIRK: Get your Twickham souvenirs here! Twickham souvenirs! I've got your bats! I've got your balls! I've got your foam fingers! Get 'em before he's gone!
[Andrew walks by.]
LORELAI: Oh, how's Mr. Twickham looking, Andrew?
ANDREW: A little tired.
LORELAI: Well, dying is exhausting.
ANDREW: Yeah, he's thinking of taking a break and picking up again tomorrow.
SOOKIE: Ugh, no.
LORELAI: We've been waiting for an hour.
ANDREW: He's kind of distracted anyway. The whole time I was there he was Tivo-ing through a fresh Summerland.
[Andrew leaves. Sookie turns to Lorelai.]
SOOKIE: Do we have time to come back tomorrow?
LORELAI: Uh, no. Not really. [She calls out.] Hey, everybody? Um, keep it quick in there, okay? "Good morning, Mr. Twickham. Good-bye Mr. Twickham." And then vamoose.
SOOKIE: He should really start dying earlier in the day.
LORELAI: Yeah. [Digging in the bag of trail mix.] Ugh, green stuff? Come on! [She throws it.] What's green?
OPENING CREDITS
YALE DORMS - RORY'S BEDROOM
[The score from a Star Wars movie is playing loudly from the common room. Rory's cell phone rings.]
RORY: Hello?
[Scene cuts between Lorelai's kitchen and Rory's room.]
LORELAI: He's d*ad.
RORY: Who?
LORELAI: Old Man Twickham.
RORY [disbelief]: No!
LORELAI: Yes!
RORY: It's got to be a mistake.
LORELAI: It's not. The man is gone.
RORY: I don't believe it. I mean, are you sure?
LORELAI: There's no breath left in him. The light's gone out of his eyes. He smelled the burnt almonds. He's feeding the worms. He's chatting up his grandpa. He is the old man formerly known as Twickham.
RORY: Wow. I can't believe he's gone. I mean, he's been dying my whole life.
LORELAI: And I just got my good-bye in. He was about to close shop for the day but we got in, told him good-bye and that we'd miss him, we left and then apparently he just closed his eyes. Muttered something about Lori Loughlin and that was that.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: He's never died before.
LORELAI: I guess there's a first time for everything. Kirk's happy, though. His dying caused a run on souvenirs. [She looks at the beach ball, hats and flags on her counter.]
RORY [disapproving]: Tacky.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. Tacky. So, are you coming home this weekend?
RORY: Probably not. Maybe next week.
LORELAI: Okay. I just always like to check.
RORY: So, I should go. Sorry about Old Man Twickham.
LORELAI: Got to move on. I hear Old Man Ketchum has a nasty cough. Could turn into something.
RORY: That's the spirit. Bye.
[She hangs up the phone and goes out into the common room. Paris is slumped on a chair, wearing pajamas, remote in hand.]
RORY [shouting over the movie]: Pathetic!
PARIS: What?
RORY: Nothing important, I just wanted to inform you that you're pathetic!
PARIS: Back at you, sister.
RORY: I am not pathetic.
PARIS: Oh, come on. We're in the same situation, except you're in denial.
RORY: I'm not in denial!
PARIS: I haven't seen Logan lately.
RORY: Well, why don't you call him up, then? Bet he misses you.
PARIS: Is he missing you?
RORY: Good-bye.
PARIS: Have fun pretending the sky is green.
RORY: Yeah, have fun re-enacting the Maxell tape ad.
[Rory slams the door behind her. Paris furiously turns up the already-too-loud volume.]
STARS HOLLOW - SOPHIE'S MUSIC SHOP
[Lane and Zach enter. Sophie is behind the counter.]
ZACH: Hey Soph.
SOPHIE: You wash your hands?
ZACH: Front and back.
SOPHIE: Let's see 'em.
ZACH: So we're never going to forget the peanut butter on the sitar? [He holds up his hands.]
SOPHIE: Good God, man, have you heard of hand cream?
ZACH: Okay if we walk around?
SOPHIE: Carefully. Hi, Lane.
LANE: Hi, Sophie.
[Zach and Lane take a few steps. Zach starts whispering to Lane.]
ZACH: Show her the thing.
LANE: Something like that's very self-conscious.
ZACH: It's why you brought it.
LANE: I know.
ZACH: So, show her.
[Lane walks back over to the counter.]
LANE: So, Sophie Bloom. Your last name's Bloom.
SOPHIE: Thanks for the info.
LANE: I was looking through some old vinyl I have. I don't have much, because I was born right on the cusp of the CD revolution. But I originally had a record player. A Snoopy record player. Boy, I love this record player. And shutting my door and listening to music on it -
SOPHIE: Oh, my God, Garrison Keillor, what is your point?
LANE: I saw the name "Sophie Bloom" on this album - the one non-Christian one my mother allowed me to have. It just popped out at me and I was wondering - [She hands the record to Sophie.]
SOPHIE [a little repulsed]: Oh, this thing.
LANE: So, it's you. You wrote these songs.
SOPHIE: Long time ago.
LANE [gushing]: I think this is amazing! Because I want to do more than just drum. I would like to write and compose and I was wondering if we could sit down sometime and just talk about music, because I think you have so much you can pass on to me. Woman to woman. Really, just coffee sometime. My treat.
SOPHIE: Well, I suppose sometime when I'm not working or out of town, if my boyfriend's busy and my laundry's done, and I'm not sick and there's nothing on TV, we could maybe meet up for a couple of minutes.
LANE: It's a date.
[Smiling, she re-joins Zach as he browses.]
LUKE'S DINER - NIGHT
[Luke is cleaning up when Lorelai enters.]
LUKE: Hey, there she is, the woman of the hour!
LORELAI: Apparently that's me. [They hug.]
LUKE: I am blown away by this!
LORELAI: Yeah, well, my hugs are that powerful.
LUKE: Well, well, I'm talking about the article. You're going to be on the cover of a magazine! That's a big deal!
LORELAI: Well, it's the inn, it's not me, but yes, it is a big deal!
LUKE: So, how'd they tell you? They phone you, or they, you know, they e-mail you?
LORELAI: They just said they were so impressed by the inn, they were so impressed by my story-
LUKE: It's a great story.
LORELAI: Well, it's a little thin, when you compare it to w*r and Peace, but
-
LUKE: What? You started with nothing. It's a great story. The magazine's pretty good, too. I did some research.
LORELAI: Oh. Research?
[He pulls out a few magazines from under the counter.]
LUKE: Yeah, I got a bunch of back issues and I read them. I tried to figure out who should interview you. Okay. Alicia Kensington. Staff writer, too green and way too stiff. Too many adverbs. Frederick Fairmount. Pff, he talks more about himself than the person he's interviewing. Something boozy about him, too.
LORELAI: I don't think they let you pick who's going to interview you.
LUKE: Well, just in case they offer. But this is big. [He touches her arm.]
LORELAI [smiles]: Yeah, I guess it is.
[She sees the window between the Diner and the ice cream shop, taped up with newspaper.]
LORELAI: Oh! What happened there?
LUKE: Eh, what do you think? Taylor.
LORELAI: How did Taylor break the window?
LUKE: How do you think? By being Taylor.
LORELAI: Taylor's Taylor-ness can now break glass?
LUKE: You know what I mean. He's doing something, and crash, bang, there you go. Hey, is it, uh, six yet?
LORELAI: Uh, a little past.
LUKE: Ah, sh**t. Town meeting's started.
LORELAI: So?
LUKE: So I thought we'd go. I mean, you like those things, right?
LORELAI: Uh, yeah, but you don't.
LUKE: Yes, but, this is your big night, you know, with the article and everything. Look, why don't we h*t the town meeting and then we'll go get something to eat, like a little celebration?
LORELAI: Oh, sounds good!
LUKE: Yeah, great! Let's go, we got to, we got to hurry.
LORELAI: Okay.
[He hurries her out the door.]
STARS HOLLOW TOWN MEETING
[Taylor is addressing the town with Kirk standing next to him.]
TAYLOR: Come on, people! It's not that complicated.
KIRK: I don't want to be a burden.
TAYLOR: Patty? What about that couch you have at the back or your studio?
[Patty opens her mouth to respond, but is cut off by Kirk.]
KIRK: In her freezing cold studio with no insulation and no heat. Sounds great.
[Taylor continues as Luke and Lorelai sneak in the back and sit next to Sookie.]
SOOKIE [whispers]: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi, what's happening?
SOOKIE: Problems with Kirk's schedule.
LORELAI: Ah. Can't Sheriff Taylor just let him share a cell with Otis for the night?
MISS PATTY: Well, maybe the Morris' will take him again.
KIRK: Their kids stuck things in my nose.
MISS PATTY: Well, then, lock the door when you sleep!
KIRK: It wasn't while I was asleep.
SOOKIE [whispering to Lorelai]: Hey. How'd you drag Luke here?
LORELAI: He wanted to come.
KIRK: I'll just sleep outside in the gazebo. I would ask, though, that if I die from exposure, don't just dump me in the landfill.
MISS PATTY: No one's dumping you in a landfill, Kirk.
TAYLOR [regretfully]: It's against regulations. Let's pigeonhole this matter for now, people. Get on to our next order of business. It's the matter of the estate of the late Joshua Twickham. As you know -
LORELAI [whispers to Sookie]: You bring food?
SOOKIE: After the trail mix fiasco, I wouldn't dare.
[Luke shushes her.]
SOOKIE: Sorry.
[Lorelai and Sookie exchange an amused look.]
TAYLOR: I am happy to say that this beloved elder was generous even on his deathbed. Mr. Twickham has left his beautiful home to the town.
[The townspeople murmur.]
KIRK: Is his deathbed still there? I'm not picky.
LUKE: What does that mean, to the town?
TALYOR: Luke! What are you doing here?
LUKE: Just keep going, Taylor.
TAYLOR: He left the house to the Historical Society along with his ample collection of valuable memorabilia. His will stipulates that the house is to be converted into a museum.
LUKE: A museum?
TAYLOR: Are you going to interrupt me the whole meeting?
LUKE: I'm just asking.
TAYLOR: A Stars Hollow museum. We will display his personal historical artifacts for a period of two months. After two months, the house is to be disposed of at the discretion of the head of the Historical Society, he meaning me.
LUKE: Oh, goody.
TAYLOR: So now you're going to talk under your breath.
LUKE: I'm sorry.
TAYLOR: Funny, I didn't hear those words come out of your mouth this morning after you tried to k*ll me.
LORELAI [looks at Luke]: What?
TAYLOR: So, we're going to need strong volunteers to make this dream a reality. Now, anyone with appropriate skills, let's see a show of hands.
[Several men, including Luke, raise their hands.]
LORELAI: Uh, you're really going to have to fill me in on the gag, here.
TAYLOR: Luke, don't come to these things just to mock our business.
LUKE: I'm not mocking anything, I'm volunteering.
TAYLOR: After you threw a frying pan at my head.
LORELAI: You threw a frying pan at Taylor's head?
TAYLOR: Just for playing my Muzak too loud. I mean, who doesn't love Muzak?
SOOKIE [raises her hand]: Oh! Music lovers?
LUKE: The thing slipped out of my hand.
TAYLOR: Right after you said, quote, um, "you better duck, Taylor, because I'm going to throw this frying pan at your head"?
LORELAI: You threw a frying pan at Taylor's head without me there? I hate you.
LUKE: I'm volunteering. Take it or leave it.
TAYLOR: Patty, take down the names of the legitimate volunteers, please. Now, whoever's actually going to show up, our day starts at seven sharp. To the rest, shame on you. Now, onto item number three. The budgetary concerns about the new snowplow.
LORELAI [to Luke]: I'm sorry, does Taylor have compromising pictures of you or something?
LUKE: It's no joke.
LORELAI: Why on earth are you volunteering for Taylor?
LUKE: Well, um –
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: How well did you know Old Man Twickham?
LORELAI: Somewhat.
LUKE: Well, I knew him all my life. He was like another dad, in a way.
LORELAI: Oh. Nice.
LUKE: And I didn't show up to say good-bye, and I'm feeling a little guilty about it, you know. He's a good guy. I just want to do right by him.
LORELAI: Well. You are a terrific fellow, Luke Danes.
TAYLOR: No, Kirk. If you build an igloo to sleep in, and the town plow runs over it, it kills you, we are not going to just leave your corpse in the snow.
KIRK: Okay, but I don't want to be a burden.
STARS HOLLOW – TWICKHAM HOUSE
[Taylor walks down the front step talking to a man who is writing on a clipboard.]
TAYLOR: Let's store all the boxes inside. Sort through them in there, then store what we don't need in the garage.
[The man nods. Luke gets out of his truck.]
LUKE: Morning, Taylor.
TAYLOR: What are you doing here?
LUKE: I volunteered.
TAYLOR: I don't get the joke.
LUKE: There's no joke! I'm at your disposal.
[Taylor frowns and turns back to the man with the clipboard.]
TAYLOR: Now, we're going to need a nice flat staging area, perhaps over there, [he points] because there's no space here out front.
LUKE: What about right here? [He points at a space right next to where they are standing.]
TAYLOR: My office is going here.
LUKE: Your office? Why do you need an office?
TAYLOR: So you came to complain?
LUKE: No, I was just –
TAYLOR: I'm organizing! I'm working! I need an office!
LUKE: Okay, fine. Sorry. Carry on.
TAYLOR [calling out]: Come on, everybody! [To the clipboard man] Let's hook up with people inside and I'll start handing out assignments.
[They start walking into the house. Luke follows. Taylor turns around.]
TAYLOR: Eh, where are you going?
LUKE: Inside.
TAYLOR: Why?
LUKE: I'm a volunteer!
[Taylor rolls his eyes and they all go inside.]
KYLE: Hey, Luke.
LUKE: Hey, Kyle.
KYLE: Just thought I'd lend a hand.
LUKE: Uh-huh, good one.
[Kyle has a hook instead of his right hand.]
TAYLOR: Is this everybody, people?
KIRK: I believe so, Taylor.
GYPSY [to Luke]: What the hell are you doing here?
LUKE: I can't keep answering this question.
TAYLOR: Come in, good folk. We are embarking on a wonderful adventure. Right here in this room, we will display Mr. Twickham's impressive collection of memorabilia. Upstairs, we'll house the multimedia dioramas depicting the history of the town.
LUKE: Sounds good.
TAYLOR: Now, I took the liberty of doing up some fun shirts that we all can wear. Everyone, please. Put one on.
[Kirk starts handing out the bright orange t-shirts. The volunteers mumble as they put on the shirts.]
TAYLOR: Isn't that nice. Now, they all take a cold water wash and tumble dry. Low. Now, before we begin, I'd like us all to join hands.
LUKE: What?
GYPSY: He's a twisted little perv if you ask me.
TAYLOR: Come on, everybody, take hands.
[Luke rolls his eyes, but takes Taylor's hand on the right, and "hooks" up with Kyle on the left.]
TAYLOR: Let's close our eyes and visualize our goal. Picture a freckle-faced boy, eyes wide with curiosity, drinking in the history of the town as he wanders the room. He's by the door, he's going by the stairs, he's delighting –
KIRK: Luke's peeking.
LUKE: That means you're peeking too, snitch.
TAYLOR: Quiet! Please!
GYPSY: Hey, I've lost track. Where's the freckle-faced kid walking?
TAYLOR: Okay, I think that's enough visualizing, everybody. How about we start organizing all these boxes, okay?
[The circle breaks apart. Luke tries to pull away, but Taylor holds on.]
TAYLOR: I'd like a moment with you, Luke.
LUKE: Yeah, time to let go, there, Taylor!
TAYLOR: I want the straight skinny from you.
LUKE: Really, let go of my hand.
TAYLOR: Not until you tell me what you're doing.
LUKE: I'm really just trying to get my hand away from you.
TAYLOR: Why are you here? Why did you volunteer?
LUKE: Because I wanted to!
TAYLOR: Luke, you hated Old Man Twickham. I know that for a fact. You said despicable things about him your whole life!
LUKE: Well, okay. If you must know, Lorelai asked me.
TAYLOR: Lorelai?
LUKE: That's right. You know, we've been through a bit of a rough patch –
TAYLOR: Yes.
LUKE: Well, I want to make things right with her. Get off to a good new start. She really wants me to get involved with community things, so she asked me to get involved. So, I'm doing it for her.
TAYLOR: Well, I think that's very nice.
LUKE: So I'm here for you, Taylor. One hundred percent.
TAYLOR: Good. Because you're not untalented.
LUKE [trying unsuccessfully to take his hand back]: Thank you.
TAYLOR: How about I make you my right-hand man? Stick by me! Be me when I'm
not here! What do you say?
LUKE: Well, I'll need my right hand back for that, I think.
TAYLOR: Of course. [He lets go of Luke's hand.] Okay. Good. This is a new side of you, Luke, and I like it. All right, let's get started, everybody! [He turns away.] Kirk, grab Kyle and come on over and help me start in this corner.
[Luke examines his hand.]
DRAGONFLY INN – LIBRARY
[Lorelai is being interviewed for the travel magazine. The reporter, Sandra, is writing as she talks.]
SANDRA: So, which is your favorite room?
LORELAI: Oh, that changes daily. Today it's the library.
SANDRA: What do you love about it?
LORELAI: It – hugs you. You know – does that sound silly?
SANDRA: Not at all.
LORELAI: Um, the kitchen turned out so wonderfully. So the kitchen and the library are duking it out right now.
SANDRA: I should definitely get the name of your designer.
LORELAI: Numerous. We went through quite a few.
SANDRA: Really? The design's so cohesive.
LORELAI: What you see is a lot of me. [Gestures at the notepad she is writing on.] Uh, she said that so humbly.
SANDRA: Hey, credit where credit is due.
LORELAI: I put my soul into this place. My heart. My liver, a couple of kidneys. I had a great partner in Sookie, and, uh, we had a great community rooting for us –
SANDRA: That's what you feel here. Support, family, homeyness, warmth. It must reflect your upbringing.
[Lorelai snorts with laughter.]
SANDRA: No?
LORELAI: I am just happy I wasn't sipping coffee when you said that, it would have come out my nose.
SANDRA: Oh. Childhood wasn't so warm and fuzzy?
LORELAI: You know Superman's fortress of solitude? A Jamaican beach, compared to my mother's house.
SANDRA: So I'll cross your mother off your list of inspirations.
LORELAI: No, I actually did pick up some valuable lessons on running a staff from my mother.
SANDRA: How so?
LORELAI: Well, I consider what my mother would do in a given situation, then I dial it back, and I have what Mussolini would do, then I dial it back, and I have what Stalin would do, and then I dial that back and then it starts approaching what a sane person would do.
SANDRA: Ouch.
LORELAI: You're right. Let's find a topic happier than my relationship with my mother. Basically that would be anything short of famine. [Sandra laughs.] Okay. I will tell you one story about my mother on a family vacation. Jimmy Carter was there. And he had a bigger room.
TWICKHAM HOUSE – INSIDE
[Taylor is walking down the stairs, followed closely by Luke. Both are looking at clipboards.]
TAYLOR: All righty. Upstairs floors and walls cleaned, check. Blackout curtains delivered and ready to be installed, check. Uh, Luke?
LUKE: Yeah.
TAYLOR: It would really help to hear you say ‘check'.
LUKE: Oh, I'm getting it, Taylor. [He points to his clipboard.]
TAYLOR: But how do I know that unless you say ‘check' after I say ‘check'?
LUKE: Fine.
TAYLOR: And audio equipment delivered, awaiting mounting brackets, check?
[He looks at Luke expectantly. Luke rolls his eyes.]
LUKE: Check.
TAYLOR: Excellent.
[There is a commotion involving Kirk by the front door. Taylor goes to check it out. Kirk and Kyle are carrying a naked mannequin into the house.]
TAYLOR: Boys, boys, what's so funny?
KIRK: I took the mannequin by the arms and I said –
KYLE: Wait, wait, I'll tell him. He goes ‘grab the other end' –
KIRK: No, no, I said, ‘grab her end' –
KYLE: Right, so I grabbed her here. Right under her rear end –
KIRK: Her rear end!
KYLE: And I was walking with it like that!
TAYLOR: Really, do I have to separate you two? Now set that down and bring in the others. Modestly.
[Kirk and Kyle walk past him with the mannequin, and burst into laughter again. Kirk looks after them disapprovingly. He then joins Gypsy at a table, where she is sorting through antiques.]
TAYLOR: So, Gypsy. Find some interesting stuff?
GYPSY: How does a George Washington letter sound?
TAYLOR: Fantastic.
LUKE [joining them, and taking the letter]: Wow, that's great!
GYPSY: Mint condition, too.
TAYLOR: Let's frame it, and hang it in a place of honor.
LUKE: Eh, I'm not sure this is what you think it is.
GYPSY: What do you mean? It's a letter to the editor, signed ‘George Washington'.
LUKE: It's dated ‘1944'.
TAYLOR: That's a little smudged, that could be 1744.
LUKE: It mentions Jack Benny.
GYPSY: Well, we could cross out the Jack Benny part.
TAYLOR: Let's put it on the ‘to be displayed' pile and we'll authenticate it at a later date.
LUKE: Actually, why don't we put it in the ‘maybe' pile, Taylor? There's got to be better than this.
TAYLOR: You're right! Let's keep our standards high. Good thinking, Luke. Now, Gypsy, as soon as we have everything catalogued, my man Luke here will liaise with you to co-ordinate your needs.
LUKE: Right, we'll liaise.
GYPSY: Fine. But I'm not doing nothing dirty.
TAYLOR: Carry on. [He walks out.]
LUKE: Hey, so we should start moving this stuff in the other room so we can clean here next –
KYLE [entering with Kirk and another mannequin]: Luke.
LUKE: Yeah?
KYLE: Taylor would like to see you in his office.
LUKE: What? He was just here.
KIRK: That's what he said.
LUKE [to Gypsy]: I'll be right back.
TWICKHAM HOUSE – OUTSIDE
[Luke leaves the front door of the house, walks down the steps and up into a large trailer which has been set up for Taylor's office. He knocks on the door.]
TAYLOR [OS]: Come in.
TAYLOR'S TRAILER
[Luke enters. Taylor is pretending to examine his clipboard.]
LUKE: You wanted to see me?
TAYLOR: Ah, Luke. Yes. Sit down, won't you? We need to talk. [Luke sits.] Now, if you're going to disagree with me, which you have every right to, please don't do it in front of the rest of the crew.
LUKE: What are you talking about?
TAYLOR: That George Washington letter. I was humiliated.
LUKE: No you weren't.
TAYLOR: Luke, we're a team. Don't forget that.
LUKE: Fine, okay. I won't disagree with you in front of the crew.
TAYLOR: Good. Although, it's probably safest for you not to disagree with me at all, don't you think?
LUKE: Ah, sure. I agree.
TAYLOR: Good. [His walkie-talkie beeps.]
KIRK [over walkie-talkie]: Taylor!
TAYLOR: This is Taylor Doose.
KIRK: The carpenter is here, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Copy that. [To Luke] Uh, liaise with him, would you?
LUKE: Mm-hm. You took the words right out of my mouth.
[He gets up and leaves.]
TWICKHAM HOUSE – OUTSIDE
[Luke leaves the trailer and breaks up a fight between Kirk and Kyle, who are attacking each other with the top halves of two mannequins.]
LUKE: Where's the guy, Kirk?
KIRK: Right over there.
[Luke sees that it is Dean. He waves. Dean glares. Luke looks confused.]
YALE DORMS – RORY'S COMMON ROOM
[Paris is watching a 60's era beach dance party movie. Rory comes out of her room, rolls her eyes and drops a duffel bag.]
PARIS: Every one of these people is d*ad. That makes me sad.
RORY: That movie is from the sixties. They're not all d*ad.
PARIS: Well, they're old. Osteoporosistic. These days if they shake it, they break it. That makes me sad.
RORY: Switch back to Moller.
PARIS: Hey, it was your idea for me to watch a movie.
RORY: It was my idea for you to do whatever it took to get your mind off Doyle.
PARIS: So, you're going away, huh? No Huntzberger this weekend?
RORY: Obviously not.
PARIS: You guys were hot and heavy for a couple weeks. What happened?
RORY: Nothing.
PARIS: Feast turned into famine, huh?
RORY: Fine. If you must know, yes. See, Paris, I am not in denial. Logan and I were hot and heavy, had a good two weeks, then it became about voicemails, then crickets. So, yes, he pulled back and I'm going crazy, but I'm not going to stay here and wallow and watch you be all depressed.
PARIS [sitting up suddenly]: You're right.
RORY: About what?
PARIS: About staying here. You should get out, I should get out. This place is poison.
RORY: It is!
PARIS: I don't want to be like this. I want to live my life so that I'll be able to read an in-depth biography about myself in later years, and not puke.
RORY: Good.
PARIS: I'm going to get up and pack, and I am going to have some fun this weekend.
RORY: Good.
[She heads for the door. Paris points at the TV.]
PARIS: How does this end?
RORY: They dance again.
PARIS: Okay.
[Rory leaves. Paris goes into her room.]
LANE'S APARTMENT
[Zach is reading a magazine on the couch. Lane rushes in.]
LANE: Hey, Zach? Grandy's closes at eight tonight, a little early because it's one of his kid's birthdays, but I checked with Luke and he's letting me off at seven, so we've got plenty of time.
ZACH: For what?
LANE: To shop at Grandy's. We set it up last week.
ZACH: We did?
LANE: Yes.
ZACH: Huh. Well, can we go next week?
LANE: Zach, we haven't h*t Grandy's in four months. We're completely out of cleaning supplies.
ZACH: Well, I can't go tonight, so just go without me.
LANE: But you love shopping for cleaning supplies.
ZACH: I know, but tonight I've got something to do.
LANE: What?
ZACH: I'm just going to go chill with some friends.
LANE: Who?
ZACH: Well, okay, Officer, I confess. Body's in the trunk.
LANE: Zach.
ZACH: I'm just going to see some old friends. God, what do you want, names and addresses?
LANE: No. Fine. I'll go by myself.
ZACH: Good.
LANE: Good.
ZACH: And don't forget. Get a dishwashing liquid that's gentle on my hands.
LANE: I will.
[Zach pats her hand. She walks away.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory enters the front door.]
RORY: Hello!
LORELAI: Hi! Honey!
RORY: This is okay, right? Springing a surprise visit on you.
LORELAI: This is your definition of surprise? [Laughs.] This is not a surprise. Come on in, I'll show you a surprise.
[They walk into the living room.]
RORY: Paris!
PARIS: I packed my bags and was on the road before I remembered that parents don't own property in the United States anymore.
RORY: Since when?
PARIS: Since the IRS red-foxed my father. The place in Asylum Hill, the Nantucket cottage – even the crack-house in Harlem that we converted into a co-op was sold to one of the q*eer Eye guys.
RORY: Where'd they go?
PARIS: They're going to wire me when they're safe. Anyway, I'm here. Should I leave?
RORY: No, stay. Uh, if it's okay with Mom.
LORELAI: It's okay with me.
RORY: So I guess you can have the couch.
LORELAI: Ah, sorry. That's spoken for.
RORY: What?
[Kirk comes down the stairs behind them.]
KIRK: Hey, Rory. This is a nice surprise.
LORELAI: The Maddis' were supposed to have him tonight. They have goldfish. Kirk's afraid of goldfish.
KIRK: They're always staring at you. All gold and unblinking.
PARIS: I like sleeping on the floor anyway. It's good for my back.
RORY: Okay. Enjoy. Can I, um – [She gestures for Lorelai to follow her.]
LORELAI: Mm-hm.
[They go into Rory's room.]
KIRK [OS]: How do you feel about goldfish?
LORELAI: So, what inspired your visit?
RORY: Just nothing else to do.
LORELAI: Ah, well, don't I feel special.
RORY: Sorry. You know what I mean.
LORELAI: You mean, I love you mommy, I miss you mommy.
RORY: That's what I meant.
LORELAI: So, no parties or anything? No dates?
RORY: No. Just a nice quiet weekend. It's perfect. Oh, wait, you didn't have anything planned with Luke tonight? Don't cancel it on my account.
LORELAI: No, it's okay. He's busy. Taylor's making him drive out to fetch an historical cannonball that Old Man Twickham had lent to his sister in Mystic.
RORY: What would you borrow a cannonball for?
LORELAI: It's been bugging me too.
RORY: Hm. So, how'd your magazine interview go?
LORELAI: Good, I think. I mean, I've never done one before. She didn't s*ab me with her pencil or anything.
RORY: Good thing.
LORELAI: My interviewer was really cool. Sandra. It was more like friends chatting than being interviewed. She loved the inn, and she asked some good questions, and she loved, loved my Emily stuff.
RORY: Your Emily stuff?
LORELAI: Yeah, she asked me questions about my background. I gave it to her, unplugged.
RORY: You didn't.
LORELAI: She asked.
RORY: But you couched it, right?
LORELAI: What do you mean?
RORY: I mean, you described it in so many words, colorful but unemotional?
LORELAI: I called her the female Pol Pot.
RORY: Mom, you didn't.
LORELAI: She laughed, for like, a minute.
RORY: That's so harsh.
LORELAI: Harsh, but true.
[Kirk stands at the door with his hand over his eyes.]
KIRK: Can I get some water?
LORELAI: Why are you covering your eyes, Kirk?
KIRK: In case you're naked.
LORELAI: You thought I'd walk into my daughter's room and get naked?
KIRK: I don't know your domestic routine.
LORELAI: Glasses are above the sink.
[He leaves the doorway.]
RORY: So you attribute any w*r crimes to Grandma? Any environmental disasters?
LORELAI: What? We were just talking. She won't print any of it.
RORY: Why? Was it off the record?
LORELAI: Yeah. Technically. It wasn't about the inn.
RORY: But did you say ‘it's off the record'?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Then it's fair game, so she can print all of it.
LORELAI: Including the limerick?
RORY: You did your limerick?
LORELAI: I am very proud of it. I found two dirty words that rhyme with Emily.
RORY: Oh, boy.
LORELAI: Well, can't I call the reporter and tell her it was off the record?
RORY: You can't take things off the record once they're on.
LORELAI: Well, so what? The chances that my mother reads American Travel are extremely slim.
RORY: Yeah. Except for the fact that I told her about it tonight. [She clears her throat.] I needed some small talk.
LORELAI: What, and ‘how are the girls at the club' and ‘ooh, that's gorgeous, is it new' doesn't work anymore? Those are tried and true standbys.
RORY: Well, I told her about it and she jotted down the title. She's going to read it.
LORELAI: Okay, well, you know what? Fine. Let her. It's all true. I'm tired of protecting people. Of being polite, of worrying about other people's feelings. Let her get all Condoleezza Rice to my Barbara Boxer if she wants.
KIRK [OS]: Ow!
LORELAI: Kirk, you can open your eyes!
KIRK [OS]: I'm fine. Ow, my head!
LORELAI: Kirk.
KIRK [OS]: I'm fine! Ow, my toe!
LORELAI [goes into the kitchen]: Kirk!
[We hear a loud crash.]
KIRK [OS]: Oh! My knee!
LORELAI [OS]: Kirk!
STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Luke's truck is driving down the street. He brakes for a pedestrian. There is a rolling sound, and then a bang. He pulls up in front of the Twickham house with Taylor in the passenger seat. As he stops, there is another rolling sound and another bang.]
TAYLOR: You were right. We should have tied the cannonball down.
LUKE: Taylor, you don't like to drive after dark, so we didn't have time to tie the cannonball down.
TAYLOR: You didn't have the proper tools to secure it with anyway. Netting, twine –
LUKE: Yes, well, drat my luck. I took all my cannonball securing tools out of my truck just yesterday.
[They get out of the truck and walk around to the back.]
TAYLOR: Must weigh about a hundred pounds.
LUKE: Something like that.
[Taylor notices Dean on the front step of the house.]
TAYLOR: Oh, good. We're in luck. Hey, Dean!
LUKE: No, Taylor, I'll move it myself.
TAYLOR: Luke, don't be headstrong. Once I strained my pecs lifting a birdbath and they were no good to me ever again.
DEAN: What do you need, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Got a big heavy ball here. How are your pecs?
DEAN [pause]: They're fine.
TAYLOR: Help us to the house?
[Luke rolls the ball to the edge of the tailgate, and he and Dean carry it toward the house. Luke notices the look he is getting from Dean.]
LUKE: Look, buddy –
DEAN: Where do you want it, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Uh, on the lawn is fine. We'll put it in place tomorrow morning.
[They set the cannonball down.]
TAYLOR: Lucky you were here.
DEAN: Yeah. Lucky.
[He glares at Luke again, then walks away. Luke rolls his eyes.]
STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Lane is walking home in the rain carrying bags of cleaning supplies. She sees Zach talking to Sophie outside of the music store. She looks hurt.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE – KITCHEN
[She reaches up above the fridge for a box of cereal.]
LORELAI [Calling]: Breakfast!
[Paris comes in from the living room.]
PARIS: Morning.
LORELAI: Morning! Hey, Rory, are you up?
PARIS: She's probably on the phone.
RORY: I'm not on the phone. I'm just getting dressed.
LORELAI: Coffee?
RORY and PARIS: Definitely. Yes.
LORELAI: So, did you get any rest?
PARIS: Kirk talks in his sleep.
LORELAI: Anything juicy?
PARIS: He deals blackjack.
LORELAI: Hm. Kirk?
KIRK [OS]: Yeah?
LORELAI: Turn off the TV, come have your breakfast.
KIRK [OS]: In a minute.
LORELAI: Now.
PARIS: How old is he?
RORY: You'd have to cut him open and count the rings.
KIRK [entering]: Morning.
LORELAI: Morning.
RORY: Morning.
PARIS: You really should see a sleep therapist.
KIRK: Roulette?
PARIS: Blackjack.
KIRK: Sorry. [He sits down.]
LORELAI: Kirk, is the TV still on?
KIRK: Oh, I forgot! [He starts to get up.]
LORELAI: No, no. I'll get it. You'd forget your head if it wasn't screwed on. [She goes into the living room.]
PARIS: Don't deny that you were on the phone.
RORY: Phone's in the living room.
PARIS: Oh, that's your phone? It rang about an hour ago.
RORY [hopeful]: It was ringing?
PARIS: No.
RORY: Knock it off.
KIRK: What are you guys talking about?
[Rory and Paris look at each other, but don't answer.]
KIRK: Fine. [He boxes himself in with the cereal.]
LORELAI: No forts. Now, I don't know what all your plans are, but the grand opening of the Stars Hollow Museum is this morning. Any takers?
PARIS: It's always amusing when provincials grasp for legitimacy. I'm in.
RORY: I wouldn't miss it.
KIRK: I helped build it.
PARIS: Bully.
LORELAI: All right, well, finish up here, grab your jackets and we'll go.
KIRK: I don't need a jacket.
LORELAI: Well, it's chilly, Kirk.
KIRK [whining]: I don't want to wear a jacket.
LORELAI: Well, then, maybe you won't go to the grand opening of the Stars Hollow museum.
KIRK: I'll put on my jacket. [He stomps out of the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Finish your breakfast first. Kirk. Do not turn that TV on.
[We hear cartoons from the living room. Lorelai goes in.]
LORELAI: Kirk! I mean it, Kirk!
TWICKHAM HOUSE – OUTSIDE
[Miss Patty is welcoming visitors.]
MISS PATTY: Please enjoy the museum, and come back for some punch. [Rory, Lorelai and Paris are next in line.] Good morning, ladies!
LORELAI: Hi, Patty.
RORY: Hi, Patty.
MISS PATTY [to Paris]: Oh, I remember you! You poor thing.
PARIS: Thanks.
MISS PATTY: It's three dollars each. That includes the punch. Would you like yours now?
LORELAI: Oh, how about later? After I eat a loaf of bread, a pound of crackers and chase it with a quart of olive oil.
MISS PATTY [laughs]: Well, it's not my punch if it's not strong.
LORELAI: Hey, are you guys coming? [She sees Luke and Sookie waiting on the porch.] Oh, looks like we're the first group in.
RORY: I'll catch up. I told Lane I'd meet up with her.
LORELAI: ‘Kay, see you.
RORY: Bye.
[Lorelai joins Luke and Sookie.]
PARIS [to Rory]: How are you doing?
RORY: I'm fine.
PARIS: Doyle's probably called me at the dorm, and my not calling him back means he may never call me again. There you go. There you have it.
RORY: Paris, you've come this far. Don't buckle.
PARIS: I don't want to buckle. I really don't want to buckle. [She pulls her cell phone out of her pocket and hands it to Rory.] Here. Keep it for me.
RORY: Your cell phone? Are you sure?
PARIS: Remove the temptation.
RORY: You got it. There's Lane.
LANE: Hello.
RORY: What's wrong with you?
LANE: I don't want to talk about it.
RORY: Well, we're a fun group.
[Paris passes out cups of Patty's punch.]
RORY: Paris –
PARIS: We paid our three dollars.
RORY: Miss Patty's leftover punch is used to remove tar from construction sites.
PARIS: Then let it remove the tar from our souls.
[They drink.]
TWICKHAM HOUSE – INSIDE
LUKE: Here it is.
LORELAI: Oh, it's nice! You really turned this around fast, huh?
LUKE: Well, it was a team effort.
SOOKIE: Hey look, old letters!
LORELAI: Oh, I love those! [Reading] Letter from Olivia Taft. Reported grand-niece by marriage to president William Taft. Written to Chester Hobart, assumed distant relative to Garret Hobart, vice-president to William McKinley. Wow.
SOOKIE: Oh, I love history. Ooh! Possibly rare 48 star American flag!
LORELAI: Ah, look at that.
LUKE: Oh, someone was supposed to take the Sears tag off of that.
SOOKIE: What's this?
LORELAI [reading]: Civil w*r era cannonball! Ah, where's the cannonball?
[They peer into a roped-off hole in the hardwood.]
LUKE: Flashlights! [He hands them flashlights from a nearby table.]
SOOKIE: I don't see it!
LORELAI: Oh, wait, right there! Right there!
SOOKIE: Ooh! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool!
TAYLOR [on overhead speakers]: Ladies and gentlemen. Our audio-visual presentation will commence in five minutes. Five minutes, everybody.
LORELAI: Hey, check out that painting!
LUKE: Oh, yeah, actually that's pretty cool. It's a possible circa nineteenth century portrait of what we think may have been the founder of a school that possibly educated Ben Franklin's cousin.
[Lorelai and Sookie make appreciative noises.]
TWICKHAM HOUSE – OUTSIDE
[Rory, Lane and Paris have found a table and chairs and are surrounded by several empty punch glasses. They slur.]
LANE: He just flat out looked out of his face right into my face and said to my face that he was lying.
RORY: Zach said that he was lying?
LANE: No. He lied from his face into my face about where he was going. That's what hurts the most, the lie! Except for seeing him with that woman! That hurts most, more than the lie.
PARIS: You'd think they'd stumble onto the truth. Just accidentally. Say something like two plus two equals four. Just because they say so many things just accidentally, that's like – man!
LANE: I know!
PARIS: They just have to repopulate the species. You know? Just spread it around.
RORY: Oh, they like to spread it around, all right.
PARIS: I bet you Doyle's spreading it right now.
RORY: You don't know that he's spreading it.
PARIS [pointing at her cup]: This – is tasty.
LANE [jumps up suddenly]: I've had it!
RORY: Had what?
LANE: I'm getting to the bottom of this.
PARIS: Spank his bottom!
LANE: He can't do this! We're friends too, as well as lovers if we ever get married! [She storms off.]
PARIS: She walks funny.
RORY: I'm thirsty. This punch makes you thirsty.
PARIS [sighs]: Where is the nearest bathroom?
RORY: No. Paris, no. Stay.
PARIS: I need to go to the bathroom.
RORY: You're going to call Doyle.
PARIS: What? You've got my cell phone.
RORY: We're low-tech here in the Hollow, but we do have payphones.
PARIS: I'm not going to call Doyle.
RORY: Yes you are.
PARIS: I don't even have money on me.
RORY: Uh-huh.
PARIS: Fine. [She takes her shoes and socks off.] Take my shoes, okay? How far can I get without my shoes? Now, bathroom?
RORY [pointing]: Over there.
PARIS: I'll be right back.
RORY: Good.
STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Paris walks barefoot to a payphone. A man walks by her.]
PARIS: Excuse me? Could I trouble you for some change? [He keeps walking. To a girl] Excuse me, I just need some change to make a call. Could you – [She ignores Paris.] I just need to make a call!
[She looks around hopelessly.]
TWICKHAM HOUSE – UPSTAIRS
[Luke, Lorelai and Sookie enter a dark room, followed by the rest of the tour group.]
SOOKIE: Where are we going?
LUKE: You'll see.
LORELAI: What is this?
LUKE: You wouldn't want me to spoil it.
TAYLOR'S VOICE [on the intercom]: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Stars Hollow dioramic history room presentation. Please stand toward the center of the room, and remember, no talking, no smoking, and please, no lewd behavior of any kind during our presentation.
[Lorelai pinches Luke's butt. He jumps.
LUKE Hey!
LORELAI: I'm just getting the lewd behavior out of the way before the presentation.
TAYLOR'S VOICE: It's the dawn of time. And whether you believe that a Supreme Being created the earth, or in the more and more discredited theory of evolution, one thing's for certain. Early man walked the land we are now on. And while no printed record survived, there's no proof that the first tools weren't invented right here in Stars Hollow.
[Behind them, a mannequin of a caveman is lit up by a spotlight. The caveman is grunting.]
LORELAI: Huh. That wrench is really getting him hot.
[The light goes off on the caveman. She pinches Luke's butt again.]
LUKE: Hey, there's people!
LORELAI: That's half the fun.
TAYLOR'S VOICE: Zooming forward in time to the founding of Stars Hollow. The very first people to live on this land, besides the Indians, was the Jebediah family.
[A light shines on a man, woman, boy, girl, and horse.]
TAYLOR'S VOICE: Good puritans, they were led by the humble Reverend Ezekiel. With him was wife Louisa, daughter Harriet, and young son Joseph, born without speech. I wonder what that first conversation was when they rode up to their new home?
[Lights shine on each member of the family individually as they speak.]
EZEKIEL: Whoa, boy. Good girl. You smell that air, mother?
LOUISA: It smells like home, Ezekiel.
EZEKIEL: Ho, ho, ho, ho. And look at this fertile soil. Just a-wantin' to yield crops.
LOUISA: It smells like home, Ezekiel.
EZEKIEL: But what of the young'uns? What have they to say of their new home?
HARRIET: We can run in the woods, play games, and be schooled at home!
[The light shines on Joseph, in silence for a moment.]
EZEKIEL: Hey! My divining rod is twitching! That means there's water a-plenty.
LOUISA: Better get inside, children, it's time for supper.
HARRIET: Okay, mother. I'm hungry. You hungry, too, Joseph?
[The light shines on Joseph again.]
EZEKIEL: Those stars. So bright. This forest, hollow. What name should I give this place? Hollow. Stars. Hollow. Stars.
[The light goes out on the Jebediah family. After a pause -]
LORELAI: No. Really? They're going to leave us on a cliffhanger?
STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Lane is walking quickly. She enters Sophie's music store. She walks over to Sophie.]
LANE: Sophie!
SOPHIE: Geez, Lane, I don't have time for coffee right now.
LANE: You owe me an explanation! You – woman!
SOPHIE: What are you talking about?
LANE: You know what I'm talking about. I look to you as a role model. Well, not anymore, except as a role model for heartbreak! I know what you can offer him. You're bohemian, and experienced, familiar with the world of sensual pleasure, champagne, Times Square. I bet you've even smoked a cigarette or two!
SOPHIE: Oh my God, your breath would stop an elephant!
LANE: You've not only been to New York, but you've lived there. You know where the best bagels are and you've been with men. But you don't know him like I know him. It's cheap thrills for you, sister! But I know what cleaning products he likes. Do you?
SOPHIE: I'm not sure how to answer that.
LANE: It had to have been a moment of weakness, because he doesn't like you! He likes me!
SOPHIE: Who?
LANE: Zach!
SOPHIE: Zach?
LANE: Zach!
SOPHIE: Come here.
[Sophie pushes Lane toward the back of the store, where Zach is playing the banjo with a couple of other guys.]
LANE: Zach?
ZACH: Lane!
SOPHIE: Talk! [She leaves them alone.]
LANE: Why are you playing a banjo?
ZACH: It's a bluegrass band, okay? I like bluegrass. I like jamming with these guys, and yes, I like the banjo.
LANE [not making eye contact]: But why didn't you tell me?
ZACH [apologetic]: Because we're rock and roll, Lane. You and me. I was embarrassed. So the guys and I have been jamming on the sly here. Sophie let us. I like the banjo.
LANE: Well, I like the banjo too, when you're playing it.
ZACH: Really?
LANE: Yeah. It's kind of hot.
ZACH: The guys are watching.
LANE: Well, go back to your playing.
ZACH: Cool.
LANE: Oh! And I got three things of Pine-Sol. I've been dying to tell you! But there's been this weird thing between us.
ZACH: Lemon?
LANE: Yeah. Because I know that's what you like.
[They kiss. Zach sits down.]
ZACH: Let's h*t it, boys.
[They start to play. Lane turns away, makes a weird face, and walks out.]
STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Paris is begging everyone who walks by for change for the phone.]
PARIS: Hey, I need some change here. Come on, damn it! Yeah, keep walking. Keep walking! [She kicks in their direction and blows a raspberry. She runs out into the street after a car.] Hey! Hey, I need fifty cents! Come on! Just fifty cents! Watch it! [She almost gets h*t by a car, then runs back onto the sidewalk.] Hey! Give me fifty cents! [The people keep walking.] Fall in a hole! [She blows another raspberry.]
TWICKHAM HOUSE – OUTSIDE
[Rory is sitting at the table alone, finishing a cup of punch. She takes her phone out of her pocket and hits a speed-dial number.]
LOGAN'S VOICEMAIL: Hey, it's Logan. Leave whatever message you want. And if this is Finn? Buddy, your voicemail is full! Again! We're meeting at the Starwood, nine-thirty, then just club-hopping from there. There's eleven of us, so bring the Hummer. Don't be more than a half hour late, and erase those stupid messages. [Beep.]
[Rory hangs up suddenly. She starts chugging another glass of punch.]
TWICKHAM HOUSE – UPSTAIRS
[The diorama presentation continues.]
TAYLOR'S VOICE: Sanitation in wartime. No one likes to think about it, but in Stars Hollow that's all we thought about. A local manufacturer, Buff-Rite, was the sole supplier of all things pertaining to sanitation and hygiene for our boys in World w*r two. Remember their snappy theme song?
[The light shines on two deliverymen carrying cardboard boxes labeled ‘Buff-Rite'.]
WOMAN'S VOICE [singing]: Walk light, smell right, head held high with Buff-Rite!
TAYLOR'S VOICE: Closed due to a dramatic drop in demand for its chief products, urinal cakes, the Buff-Rite factory nevertheless afforded hundreds of Stars Hollow residents healthy livelihoods. [Lorelai's cell phone rings.] The Buff-Rite diorama is dedicated –
LORELAI: Sorry, that's me. [She looks at the caller.] Oh, I've got to take this.
LUKE: I'll meet you outside. I've seen enough.
SOOKIE: I can't get enough. [Luke and Lorelai leave. Sookie sings to herself.] Walk light, smell right –
[Multicolored lights flash on two hippies.]
TAYLOR'S VOICE: Remember the sixties? The town of Stars Hollow does! What a headache! A veritable dark age, culminating in a sit-in that gathered over a thousand freaks from the Tri-county area.
[Lorelai stands in a corner by the caveman and answers her phone.]
LORELAI: Hello?
SANDRA: Uh, hi, Lorelai! It's Sandra from American Travel.
LORELAI: Sandra, hi. Thanks for getting back to me so quickly.
SANDRA: No problem, what's up?
LORELAI: Well, I was just thinking about –
SANDRA: Oh, it was great, by the way. Everyone just flipped for it here.
LORELAI: Oh, wonderful. Thank you. But I just wanted to let you know, I think I may have crossed a line with the stuff about my mother?
SANDRA: What? No! It was the best part!
LORELAI: Oh, so it's in the article?
SANDRA: It's not the dominant thing, but it's in. It's great color.
LORELAI: Right. Well, I was wondering if maybe you could lose some of that color. Would that screw things up too much?
SANDRA: Oh, but the stuff about your mother is great! My editor flipped.
LORELAI: Wow. So it's already gone to an editor?
SANDRA: We turn things around pretty quickly.
LORELAI: I guess so. You know, Sandra, I would really like you to cut all the stuff about my mother. Um, it would be a big favour.
SANDRA: I would really rather not. It was a lot of work.
LORELAI: Okay, couldn't you just do a quick re-write, for a friend?
SANDRA: We're not friends.
LORELAI: Oh, right.
SANDRA: Look. It's too late to change it. The only other option we have is pulling it altogether.
LORELAI: Pulling it?
SANDRA: Yeah, and just subbing in something else.
LORELAI: The whole article? The cover and everything?
SANDRA: The whole thing.
LORELAI: Oh.
SANDRA: Look, don't worry about it. It's great. It flies by. The readers are going to love it, okay?
LORELAI: Okay, sure. Thanks for calling me back. Bye.
MAN'S VOICE: I'm sure looking forward to work today!
WOMAN'S VOICE: Haley, put your Etch-a-Sketch away and come sit down.
[Lorelai joins Sookie.]
LORELAI: What's this?
SOOKIE: Modern life in Stars Hollow.
[The light is shining on a family around a breakfast table. The mother is standing at the stove.]
MAN: Great breakfast, mother.
BOY: Yeah, you've done it again, mom!
WOMAN: I just love serving breakfast to my family.
GIRL: And I love Jesus!
TWICKHAM HOUSE – OUTSIDE
[Taylor hurries down the steps, looking thrilled. He finds Luke on the sidewalk.]
TAYLOR: Look at these clamouring crowds, partner!
LUKE: Yeah, people seem to be having a good time.
TAYLOR: It was a rush job, but spectacular. It's more than I thought it would be.
LUKE: Oh, way more.
TAYLOR: I'm seriously considering going permanent with this.
LUKE: What?
TAYLOR: Well, I think we've got something here. Something big. A two-month run isn't enough! We've at least got to hold it over through the summer!
LUKE: Taylor –
TAYLOR: I'm thinking we should keep it open for at least a year. Even if it doesn't make money. At that point, we've got the publicity. We've made the guidebooks. My God! We'll have a Cooperstown-type attraction on our hands!
LUKE: Taylor, no!
TAYLOR: What?
LUKE: Are you blind? This place is a piece of crap!
TAYLOR: What? A piece of –
LUKE: Look at it! The old man's stuff – it's not even historical! It's all a bunch of stuff that may have belonged to people who may have distantly related to people who may have been historically meaningful! And the diorama
–
TAYLOR: Well, I'll admit, it's a little rough –
LUKE: It's a joke.
TAYLOR: Luke, I don't get it. You helped build this! You were so co-operative! Why are you turning on it like this? Turning on me?
LUKE: I want the house.
TAYLOR: What?
LUKE: I want this house, Taylor. All my life I've loved this house. They don't build them like this anymore. I mean, you saw the banisters, right?
TAYLOR: Well, yeah, but –
LUKE: No. I've always said to myself if you're going to have a family and buy a house, then it's got to be this house.
TAYLOR: Oh –
LUKE: It's why I volunteered, okay? I got involved with this whole thing to stay close to the house and keep on your good side. You had the control.
TAYLOR: I should have known that you were doing this for selfish reasons.
LUKE: Taylor, look. I know you don't like me, I can't change that. But I've got to be honest here. This museum is not going to make it. This property, these expenses, the taxes, the upkeep. I mean, the floor broke through from just the cannonball. It's going to take money. Do you want to keep a money loser on the books? Do you want that to be your legacy in Stars Hollow? Because that's what this is, Taylor. It's a money pit.
TAYLOR: Well, I don't want a money pit on the books.
LUKE: Just keep it open for the two months, then sell it to me. I'll give you the best price, I swear.
TAYLOR: A family. You mean, you and Lorelai –
LUKE: Me and – whoever. Yeah.
TAYLOR: Huh. Well, I'll think about it.
[Luke nods and smiles as Taylor returns inside.]
TWICKHAM HOUSE – BACK DOOR
[Lorelai and Sookie exit.]
LORELAI: We have got to bring everyone we know to this thing immediately, before the Nederlanders swoop in and whisk it away to Broadway.
SOOKIE: And at three bucks a pop. That crappy Epis show costs a hundred bucks.
LORELAI: I've got to make a quick call, maybe we'll go through again.
SOOKIE [gasps]: Once is not enough!
[Sookie goes ahead. Lorelai sighs and dials a number on her cell phone.]
LORELAI: Sandra, hi. It's Lorelai Gilmore, again. Listen, I was thinking, I think you should just pull the article. Yeah, I'm sure. But thanks. Okay. Bye.
[She hangs up. Luke joins her on the sidewalk.]
LUKE: So, was it all I said it would be?
LORELAI: Oh, and more! I've got to go through with Rory, have you seen her anywhere?
LUKE: Haven't seen her, no.
LORELAI: Wow.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: I just never really looked at this place before. Those columns, and that brick.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: It's beautiful.
LUKE: Yeah. It's a great house.
[Rory comes up behind them.]
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Aw, Rory, honey, what's wrong?
RORY: I don't feel good. I really don't feel good.
LORELAI: I think I can, uh, guess why. Come on, let's get you home.
LUKE: You need help? Want me to drive?
LORELAI: It's okay, it's just five minutes. Come on.
[Rory and Lorelai leave. Luke walks toward a table on the side of the house, and packs up his toolbox. Dean walks by, giving him attitude.]
LUKE: Okay, Dean. Come on. Give me that attitude. What's up? What is this, still about the Pippi night? The Bop-it? Fine. You hate me, whatever. You want to punch me? Go ahead, I'm a terrible guy, I deserve it. Go ahead, take a sh*t. I won't even fight back. Make you feel better, huh, buddy?
DEAN: Just go back to your girlfriend.
LUKE: Fine. Whatever.
DEAN [mumbles]: While you've got one.
LUKE: What's that supposed to mean?
DEAN: What do you think it means?
LUKE: I'm not playing games here!
DEAN: Your situation is no different from mine. Buddy.
LUKE: I've got work to do.
DEAN: Then go. They want more than this. Don't you see that? And all you are is this.
LUKE: Rory was a kid, Dean. She grew up. She moved on. Accept it.
DEAN: You accept it. This town, it's all you are, and it's not enough. She's going to get bored, and you can't take her anywhere. You're here forever.
LUKE: It's different.
DEAN: It's not different. You and me. Same thing.
[Luke stares after him as he walks away.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE – BATHROOM
[Rory is lying on Lorelai's lap on the floor. She is crying.]
RORY: Why doesn't he like me? Why doesn't he call me? What did I do?
LORELAI: Sh, honey, it's okay. It's okay.
RORY: Logan – [she breaks off into a sob.]
LORELAI: Sh, it's okay.
_______________END___________________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x18 - To Live and Let Diorama"} | foreverdreaming |
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Rory wakes up on the bathroom floor. Downstairs, Paris sit at the table with her head in her hands, and Kirk limps in and joins her, sighing.]
PARIS: Founder's Day punch?
KIRK: Abba Zabbas.
[Lorelai comes in the side door, extremely perky. She is carrying several paper bags.]
LORELAI: Good morning Vietnam! How's everyone feeling today?
[Kirk and Paris groan.]
LORELAI: Terrific! Okay, I got tacos, hard tacos, I got soft tacos, I got fries, curly, straight, and spicy -
PARIS: Are you serious?
LORELAI: Trust me. It's the best hangover food on the east coast.
KIRK: You get a Mars bar? You know, hare to the dog?
LORELAI: Ah, there's pop tarts in the cabinet, Kirk. Coffee'll be up in a minute, grab some water and start hydrating!
[Rory wanders in.]
PARIS: The smell of these tacos is making me nauseous.
LORELAI: No, no, no. That's the quart of Patty's non-FDA-approved Founder's Day punch you drank last night. Eat a taco.
RORY: Oh, thank God, hangover food.
LORELAI: That's my little college girl.
RORY: Tito's was open this early?
LORELAI: Well, it was for me.
RORY: The power you have over fast food owners is astonishing.
PARIS [mouth full of taco]: Oh, God. I think I'm going to throw up. [Pause] No. I'm good.
RORY: By the way, thanks for leaving me on the bathroom floor all night.
LORELAI: Uh, hey, I tried to get you up. You actually used your foot to stop me.
RORY: I did?
LORELAI: Yes. It was very House of Flying Daggers, but with vomiting.
RORY: Sorry. I don't remember that. The foot part. The vomiting part, however -
PARIS: Stop saying the word 'vomiting'. Unless you want a Mr. Creosote situation on your hands here.
[Rory makes a disgusted face and walks into the living room. Lorelai follows her with a bag of tacos.]
KIRK: Oh, man. I think I got a cavity. I got to stop partying like this.
LIVING ROOM
[Rory stands in the middle of the room, looking around, confused.]
LORELAI: What are you looking for?
RORY: My book bag.
LORELAI: I believe it's in your room.
RORY: Room?
LORELAI: That way.
RORY: Right.
LORELAI: Hey. [She directs Rory to the couch.] I got you a beef burrito. I thought it might be too hardcore for the amateurs in the kitchen, but I figured you'd appreciate it.
RORY: Thanks. [They sit.]
LORELAI: So, how are you feeling?
RORY: I've been better.
LORELAI: Yeah. You take aspirin?
RORY: Aspirin?
LORELAI: White pill, big 'A' on it.
RORY: Right, yep.
LORELAI: Oh, here, before I forget. Um, this fell out of your pocket last night while you were pulling an Exorcist.
RORY [takes the cell phone]: Mm. Paris gave it to me to hold so she wouldn't call Doyle.
LORELAI: She was the talk of the town this morning. att*cked the pretzel cart, police backup had to be called for the first time ever.
RORY: She was quite a mess.
LORELAI: Huh. So apparently it was a theme.
RORY: I am sorry. It won't happen again, believe me.
LORELAI: You, of all people, should know the dangers of the Founder's Day punch. Did you learn nothing from Mommy's Coyote Ugly bar dance at last year's Salute to the Quakers festival?
RORY: Oh, now, you can't blame that all on the punch.
LORELAI: Well, don't get me wrong, I'm always up for a little mother-daughter bonding, but seriously. When did facials go out of style?
RORY: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: I just don't like seeing you like that.
RORY: That makes two of us.
LORELAI: So, what was all that stuff you were babbling on about last night?
RORY: What stuff?
LORELAI: About Logan. Things aren't going so well with the two of you, huh?
RORY: I'm going to get some coffee.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: I know. Kitchen, that way.
[She gets up and leaves Lorelai on the couch. Lorelai looks hurt.]
OPENING CREDITS
YALE DORMS - LOGAN'S COMMON ROOM
[Logan is sitting, reading the paper. There is a knock on his door. He gets up. It's Rory.]
LOGAN: Well, this is a surprise.
RORY: Can I come in?
LOGAN: Sure. You want to sit down?
RORY: Nope. Got to stay vertical.
[Logan stares at her.]
RORY: What?
LOGAN: You have, like, an octagon imprinted on your face.
RORY: I can't do this anymore Logan.
LOGAN: Do what?
RORY: This casual dating thing. I don't like it. It's not who I am and I don't want to make it who I am.
LOGAN: Whoa, hold on here. Where's this coming from?
RORY: It's coming from me. The ravishing creature standing in front of you.
LOGAN: We talked about this.
RORY: I know.
LOGAN: I didn't make you do this.
RORY: I know. I'm not accusing you of anything. This isn't your fault.
LOGAN: I don't understand. I thought everything was going so well.
RORY: What are you talking about? I haven't heard from you in a week.
LOGAN: I was busy. I had some friends in town, and -
RORY: You know what? It doesn't matter. You're not my boyfriend, you don't owe me any explanations. I just don't want to be one of the many anymore.
LOGAN: Oh, Rory, come on!
[Logan's roommate comes out.]
LANNY: Hey, Logan, Cassandra's on the phone.
LOGAN: Take a message.
LANNY: She's got a great accent. Where's she from?
LOGAN: Lanny! Message!
LANNY: Fine. Relax, man. Geez.
[He goes back into his room.]
RORY: Go call Cassandra back. We're done here.
LOGAN: How are we done here?
RORY: I said everything I have to say.
LOGAN: Which is what?
RORY: I'm a girlfriend girl, Logan. I have boyfriends, not escorts.
LOGAN: Ah. [He starts pacing.]
RORY: I thought I could be different, but I can't. I'm sorry. Maybe we can just go back to being friends again.
LOGAN [mad]: Or maybe we can become boyfriend and girlfriend, right?
RORY: What?
LOGAN: I get it. I get what you're doing.
RORY: I'm not doing anything.
LOGAN: Hey, if that's what you want then just come out and say it. But you coming in here and issuing an ultimatum -
RORY: I am not issuing an ultimatum!
LOGAN: That's not what I heard.
RORY: I said let's be friends!
LOGAN: That's not what you meant!
RORY [moans]: I need a taco!
LOGAN [crosses over to her]: All right, fine. I'll do it.
RORY: Do what?
LOGAN: I'll be your boyfriend.
RORY: You can't be my boyfriend.
LOGAN: Why not?
RORY: Because you told me that you can't be my boyfriend.
LOGAN: If I say I can, then I can.
RORY: You have a hundred girls on speed dial. You keep a second bathrobe in your closet for overnight guests.
LOGAN: That's all beside the point. You came in here to say you were unhappy with the situation, right?
RORY: Right.
LOGAN: Fine. I've rectified the situation. Problem solved.
RORY: No. Problem not solved.
LOGAN: Hey. If I say I can do this, I can do this!
[There is a knock at the door. Logan opens it.]
GIRL: Hey Logan. Thought maybe I could get you to buy me some lunch.
LOGAN: Oh, geez -
RORY: I'm sorry. Could you excuse us for just a second? We're almost done here.
GIRL: Sure. I'll just wait out here.
[Logan closes the door.]
RORY: So the Swedish flight attendants should be here any minute.
LOGAN: I swear this situation has never happened to me before in my life.
RORY: Logan -
LOGAN: Rory. Do you really want to stop seeing me?
RORY: No, but I can't -
LOGAN: 'Cause I don't want to stop seeing you.
RORY: Okay, but -
LOGAN: So then just accept what I'm saying. I like trying new things. It's new, it's different, but I can do it.
RORY: Are you sure?
[Logan grabs her and kisses her.]
RORY: Well, I know you can do that, but -
[He kisses her again.]
RORY: I really want to believe you.
LOGAN: Then believe me. We're starting fresh right now, new beginning. So you want to go grab some lunch? We'll hammer out the details.
RORY: I should probably change first.
LOGAN: Go home, change. I'll pick you up in half an hour.
RORY [smiles]: Okay.
[They kiss and laugh.]
LOGAN: See how good this is going so far? I think I'm going to be an excellent boyfriend.
RORY: I agree. Now do you want to go tell her, or should I?
LOGAN: Oh, crap. I'll be right back.
[He goes outside. Rory smiles.]
YALE DORMS - RORY AND PARIS' ROOM
[Paris enters, carrying her bags from the weekend. She goes into her room and turns on the light. Doyle is asleep in her bed.]
PARIS: Doyle?
DOYLE: Hey.
PARIS: What are you doing here?
DOYLE: I'm dying.
PARIS: What do you mean, you're dying?
DOYLE: I got sick. And then my very concerned roommates kicked me out because they have exams.
PARIS: Oh my God.
DOYLE: I didn't know where to go, so I came here. I called you first.
PARIS: I was gone this weekend.
DOYLE: So I just came by. I thought I'd wait till you got back, then I fell asleep.
PARIS: You've been here all weekend?
DOYLE: Uh huh.
PARIS: I thought you were avoiding me.
[Doyle coughs pathetically.]
PARIS: I'm sorry you're sick.
DOYLE: It feels like bees are buzzing in my head. Feel it.
PARIS: What?
DOYLE: Feel my head.
PARIS: Why?
DOYLE: I just want you to know how hot I am.
PARIS [backing away]: Well, when you're hot, you're hot and when you're not, you're not. That's how the song goes. Just follow the song.
DOYLE: What?
PARIS: I just don't see what putting my hand on your head is going to get you.
DOYLE: It's just -
PARIS: I'm not a shaman, Doyle. I don't have healing powers.
DOYLE: Where are you going?
PARIS: I'll be right back.
[She closes the door.]
DRAGONFLY INN
[Michel is at the front desk.]
MICHEL: Hold on a second. [Lorelai approaches.] It's for you. It's Sookie. She's done with her doctor's appointment.
LORELAI: Oh, she say how she is?
MICHEL: Mm, to someone who may have asked her, I'm sure she would have.
LORELAI: Mm-hm. [She takes the phone.] Hey, Sookie.
[Scene cuts from the inn to Sookie's house.]
SOOKIE: The bastard put me on bed rest.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: Dr. Menck. He told me to lie down immediately and not to get up again until little Cherry or Norric comes out.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, we'll get to the names in a second. So, are you serious about the bed rest? Where are you?
SOOKIE: I'm at home, on the couch!
LORELAI: Are you okay?
SOOKIE: No, I'm not okay! I have a dinner to get out.
LORELAI: Well, honey, I think we're going to have to do that without you.
SOOKIE: But how?
LORELAI: Well, we have a kitchen staff, and you just tell me what still needs to be done, and we will handle it.
SOOKIE: Okay. Get a pencil.
LORELAI: Okay. Pencil in hand.
SOOKIE: You need to grate six carrots and four parsnips, and then take some flour and butter, melt the butter, make a roux.
LORELAI: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Uh, baby, you lost me at carrots. Which, uh, by the way, was the first draft of 'you had me at hello'.
SOOKIE: You had me at what? What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Oh, sorry. I see we've entered the no humor zone. Look, just relax. I'm going to take care of everything.
SOOKIE: But the ducks.
LORELAI: The ducks will be fine. They're lying in a pan with their heads chopped off, so the worst part is behind them. Now, don't worry. Go rest, and I'll check in with you later.
SOOKIE: But -
LORELAI: Happy hibernating!
[She hangs up.]
MICHEL: No Sookie?
LORELAI: No Sookie. Come on.
[Michel follows her into the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Okay, now tell me who does what, and what we need to keep things running.
MICHEL: Well, we need Sookie here.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, she's not going to be here, so let's go to plan B.
MICHEL: Okay, plan B. That involves Sookie's clone, also named Sookie.
LORELAI: Well, um, who here makes the sauces?
MICHEL: Sookie.
LORELAI: Who here, Michel?
MICHEL: Sookie trusts no one else with the sauces. She makes the sauces.
LORELAI: Well, what does Mark make?
MICHEL: Salads.
LORELAI: Okay, and Donny does desserts. What do our other guys do?
MICHEL: Well, that man over there does the cleaning. That man over there dresses the plates, that man uses tongs, and I have no idea what that man in the corner does. But I would check his trunk before he leaves.
LORELAI: Without Sookie here, we have salads and desserts?
MICHEL: Pretty much.
LORELAI: We can't run a restaurant serving just salads and desserts!
MICHEL: I would not go to eat, no.
LORELAI: Wait, okay. Here we have duck. Um, who here does the duck?
MICHEL: Nobody touches the ducks.
LORELAI: Well, starting now, someone has to touch the ducks!
MICHEL: I do not know what to tell you, except that it will not be me.
LORELAI [sighs]: This is bad, Michel.
MICHEL: I'm getting that, yes.
LORELAI: Well, we'll just figure something out, right?
MICHEL: Absolutely. Ain't no mountain high enough.
LORELAI: We'll just, um, formulate a plan, nail down a strategy. You have any ideas?
MICHEL: We could order some pizza, or Chinese food, or perhaps one of those hoagies that you cut into a million pieces -
LORELAI: No more suggestions necessary, Michel.
MICHEL: Well, I'm here if you need me.
[He walks out.]
LUKE'S DINER
[The phone rings. Luke answers it.]
LUKE: Luke's!
[Scene cuts between the Dragonfly kitchen and Luke's.]
LORELAI: How pretty do you think I am?
LUKE: Are we using a specific day? Have you had a good night's sleep?
LORELAI: Sookie's doctor put her on immediate bed rest, and I thought it would be fine, but no one will touch the ducks, and Michel wants to order a hoagie, and I am starting to hyperventilate and I'm not wearing a stretchy fabric, and -
LUKE: I'll be right there.
[He hangs up.]
YALE CAMPUS
[Rory and Logan walk together.]
LOGAN: How's that headache of yours?
RORY: Subsiding a little. The mashed potato, mac and cheese, biscuit, gravy plate combo really helped a lot.
LOGAN: I have to say, half the fun in being with you is the horrified looks on the waiters' faces.
RORY: Please. I'm an amateur compared to my mother.
LOGAN: So what do you think? You up for a movie?
RORY: Oh, yeah. Something really bad.
LOGAN: Absolutely. Let's check the paper and see if Rob Schneider's still employable.
[They laugh.]
LOGAN'S DORM
[Logan enters, followed by Rory.]
LOGAN: I think I have a paper over -
HONOR: Well! Look how long you make a girl wait for you!
LOGAN: Honor!
[The blond girl is sitting on the couch. Logan is very excited to see her.]
HONOR: Do you really think you're worth it?
LOGAN: What are you doing here?
HONOR: Apparently begging for some affection!
[She gets up and they hug. Rory does not look impressed.]
HONOR: It is so good to see you.
LOGAN: You too!
RORY: Listen, Logan. Maybe I should go.
LOGAN: What? Oh, sorry, God. Rory, this is my sister Honor. Honor, Rory Gilmore.
RORY [relaxes]: Sister? Really? Oh. Well, it's nice to meet you.
HONOR: It's nice to meet you too.
RORY: Hey, your sister's here. Cool.
LOGAN: So, what's the occasion?
HONOR: Well, I had to see you, and since you never check your email I had to drag myself down and beg Lanny to let me in so I could show you this! [She holds up her hand to display a ring.]
LOGAN: Holy! [They hug again.]
HONOR: It happened last night!
LOGAN: Oh, Josh finally gave in, uh?
HONOR: Oh, stop it. He's lucky I ever looked at him in the first place.
LOGAN: Well, congratulations.
HONOR: Listen. I need a favor. I'm going to tell them tomorrow night and I need you there for support.
LOGAN: Come on.
HONOR: Hey. I backed you up when you wanted to take a year off school and sail around the world. I wired you the money when you sunk the yacht. I helped pay off the Indonesian Coast Guard!
LOGAN: Okay, okay! I'll be there.
HONOR: Oh, thank you! I love you, I love you, I love you. Okay. Now I can breathe. And focus on - [she turns to Rory] - you. Hi. [She laughs.]
RORY: Hi.
HONOR: Okay, I'm totally blanking. Your name is?
RORY: Rory. Rory Gilmore.
LOGAN: Yeah, Rory's my [pause] girlfriend.
[Honor turns to look at him, amused.]
RORY: You okay over there? You need a little water, or a time machine?
HONOR: I'm sorry, did you say girlfriend?
LOGAN: Yes.
RORY: It's new.
HONOR [laughs]: Oh, my God! I've never heard him call anyone his girlfriend before. Well, Alyssa Milano, but he was ten and in a weird Who's the Boss phase.
LOGAN: Oh, wow, time flies when you're getting pushed out the door.
HONOR: Okay, I'm sorry. Listen, you must come to dinner too.
RORY: Oh, um -
HONOR: No. Really, come. Please come. It'll make it more festive and distracting.
LOGAN: We'll see.
HONOR: Okay, fine. I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow night. Please don't be late?
LOGAN: I promise.
[They hug.]
HONOR: Bye, Rory.
RORY: Bye!
[Honor leaves.]
LOGAN: And that is my sister.
RORY: I like her!
LOGAN: Yeah, she's cool!
RORY: Listen, you do not have to take me to dinner tomorrow. It's a family thing, I totally understand.
LOGAN: No, you should come.
RORY: Logan.
LOGAN: Hey. Boyfriends bring their girlfriends to their family's houses for dinner. It's natural.
RORY: How would you know?
LOGAN: I saw it on Who's the Boss. Now, let's find that paper.
[Rory hands him the paper.]
DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN
[Lorelai leads Luke into the kitchen.]
LORELAI: So, there's the fridge, stove's over there, grill's on the side, freezer's in the back. That's salad man, plate guy, tongs guy, check-his-trunk-before-he-leaves guy, and here are the ducks. Are you familiar with ducks?
LUKE: I am familiar with ducks.
LORELAI: But, I mean, not just familiar, like you know what a duck is. I mean, have you cooked a duck before?
LUKE: I can handle the ducks. Relax.
LORELAI: Okay. Ducks handled. Good.
LUKE: Now, does Sookie have a menu notes, or, uh -
[Manny hands Luke a binder.]
LUKE: Oh, thanks, uh -
MANNY: Me llamo Manny.
LUKE: Manny. Gracias, Manny.
LORELAI: I talked to Sookie, she said everything you need is in that folder, it's a little unorganized.
LUKE: Well, it wouldn't be Sookie's fault if it wasn't a little unorganized.
LORELAI: Okay, so what can I do to help?
LUKE: Nothing.
LORELAI: Ah. Perfect answer.
LUKE: Not without a hairnet.
LORELAI: Okay. I'll be out there if you need me.
[Lorelai leaves the kitchen.]
YALE DORMS - PARIS' BEDROOM
[Paris enters, followed by her nanny.]
PARIS: He's right there.
DOYLE: What's going on?
PARIS: I'm taking care of you.
DOYLE: You're - [Nanny forces Doyle to sit up and takes off his shirt.] Hey!
PARIS: This is Nanny. She only speaks Portuguese.
DOYLE: What's Portuguese for 'Ow, you're ripping my chest hair out'?
[Nanny speaks Portuguese very fast.]
PARIS: Clean shirt. Got it.
DOYLE: What's she doing? What's that jar? She's got salve! She's got salve! [He struggles as Nanny rubs the salve on his chest.]
PARIS: Doyle, relax. Nanny took care of me for years.
DOYLE: Oh, God. Do you remember when Han Solo finds Luke Skywalker in the snowstorm and he cuts open their d*ad Taun-taun to hide inside? That's what I smell like at this moment.
PARIS: She makes that balm herself. I'm telling you, it's magic.
DOYLE: Paris, no offense to Nanny and her magic healing balm, but when I came over here I thought you would take care of me.
PARIS: I am taking care of you. I brought you Nanny.
[Nanny dresses him in a clean t-shirt and forces him back down.]
DOYLE: I don't want Nanny. I'm scared of Nanny. Can't you just take it from here?
PARIS: No.
DOYLE: Why?
PARIS: Sick people freak me out.
DOYLE: You're pre-med!
[Nanny says something.]
DOYLE: Paris -
PARIS: Lie down! You'll feel better soon, I promise!
[Nanny packs her bag and leaves the room. Doyle whimpers.]
DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN
[Luke and the staff are busy preparing dinner. The phone rings.]
MANNY: Cocina. Sí, aquí esta. Luke, Sookie.
LUKE: Hey, Sookie.
[Scene cuts from the kitchen to Sookie's living room, where she is sitting on the couch.]
SOOKIE: Hi.
LUKE: Hi.
SOOKIE: Whatcha doing?
LUKE: I'm cooking.
SOOKIE: Right, good. Little test. So, I was just checking in, making sure everything was fine.
LUKE: Everything is fine.
SOOKIE: The ducks working out for you?
LUKE: The ducks are selling like hotcakes.
SOOKIE [giggles]: Like hotcakes. God, you are a funny guy! I just, I never realized. So, I just wanted to tell you that I'm really grateful to you for jumping in like this.
LUKE: Happy to jump.
SOOKIE: Are you straining the sauce?
LUKE: Excuse me?
SOOKIE: The duck sauce. Are you straining it?
LUKE: Yes.
SOOKIE: Twice?
LUKE: No.
SOOKIE: Oh, well. It's really best if you strain it twice. It makes it really smooth.
LUKE: People seem to be liking the sauce, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Well, sure, when you don't know what you're missing, then -
LUKE: Okay, tell you what. From now on, I will strain the duck sauce twice. Three times, if it'll make you happy.
SOOKIE: No! Then it'll be too runny!
LUKE: Twice it is.
SOOKIE: Thank you.
LUKE: You're welcome. [Lorelai enters the kitchen. To Lorelai] Hey. I've got Sookie on the phone, do you need to talk to her?
LORELAI: Yes, actually. Great.
LUKE [to Sookie]: I'm handing you over to Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hey.
SOOKIE [upset]: He's not straining the duck sauce three times, is he?
LORELAI: Uh, not to my knowledge. Hey, Sookie, where are the applications?
SOOKIE: I don't know why you'd joke about a thing like that. Three times! That's not funny!
LORELAI: Sookie, the applications, from the culinary institute, for your temporary replacement?
SOOKIE: Are they not there?
LORELAI: Uh, depends on where 'there' is.
SOOKIE: Huh. They're around somewhere. Check the freezer. Sometimes I like to read in there.
LORELAI: That's very Lucy of you. I'll call when I find them. Now rest. Bye.
SOOKIE: Bye.
[They hang up.]
LORELAI: You know, I love watching you cook. It's hot.
LUKE: That's because you're standing right next to the broiler.
LORELAI: Oh, is that what we're calling it now?
LUKE: Not in front of the guys, please.
LORELAI: Fine. I'll save my dirty cooking jokes for later.
[Lorelai leaves the kitchen.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai enters, talking on her cell phone.]
LORELAI: Yeah, I was just wondering if I could get you to re-submit those applications. [Pause] Well, we seem to have misplaced them. As soon as possible would be great. [She hears a noise from the kitchen. She looks concerned.] Uh-huh. You can just fax them over, that'd be great. Thanks. Bye.
[She hangs up, and looks around for something to defend herself with. She grabs a cushion from the couch.]
LORELAI: Hello, is somebody there?
RORY [walking from her room into the kitchen]: Hey, Mom!
LORELAI [sighs]: Hey, Mom? That's it? You just gave me a heart att*ck and all you have to say is 'hey, Mom'? I thought you were a vicious serial k*ller.
RORY [getting a soda from the fridge]: Who you were going to challenge to a pillow fight?
LORELAI: What are you doing here, Sassy McSassterson?
RORY: I needed some stuff.
LORELAI: What stuff?
RORY: My blue dress.
LORELAI: What do you need your blue dress for?
RORY: Okay. I am going to tell you something. But when I do, you cannot say a word.
LORELAI: Why not?
RORY: Because I don't want to hear it.
LORELAI: Hear what?
RORY: What you're going to say.
LORELAI: But how do you know what I'm going to say?
RORY: Trust me. I know.
LORELAI: Hey, I have been known to say some very surprising things. 'Hugh, I know you're with Elizabeth Hurley, but how about picking up a hooker tonight?' That was me.
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: Okay, fine.
RORY: Logan and I are now boyfriend and girlfriend. And I am here because I need my blue dress. To wear to his parents' house tonight.
[She nods, picks up her soda and walks into her bedroom. Lorelai follows her, looking like she desperately wants to say something.]
RORY: I went over to Logan's apartment yesterday. I told him that I didn't want to do the casual dating thing anymore. That it wasn't me, and we should just go back to being friends. Instead, he decided to commit.
LORELAI: A -
RORY: Not a word. Now I know that things may have started off a little rocky - [Lorelai starts to say something else] Ah, ah, ah. But I am very happy with the way things are going and I think that, in time, you will be too.
[Lorelai holds the cushion up to her mouth. Rory picks up the garment bag containing her dress.]
RORY: Okay, I have everything I need. I have to get going. Logan's picking me up at six. It was nice talking to you. Don't forget to breathe.
[She kisses Lorelai's head and leaves.]
DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN
[Luke and the staff are cooking.]
LUKE [tasting]: Good, add the parsley and get it out there. [The phone rings. He answers. ] Kitchen!
SOOKIE: Do you put walnuts in your béchamel?
LUKE: Sookie?
SOOKIE [forceful]: Do you put walnuts in your béchamel?
LUKE: No.
SOOKIE: You don't put walnuts in your béchamel.
LUKE: Sookie, I have things burning, so –
SOOKIE: I thought I tasted walnuts. What things are you burning?
LUKE: What do you mean, you tasted walnuts?
SOOKIE: You want to get fancy, you can do that at your own diner. My béchamel sauce is classic.
LUKE: How are you tasting the béchamel?
SOOKIE: And I don't remember including goat cheese in the fennel salad!
LUKE: How do you know what's in the fennel salad?
SOOKIE: So you admit it. You put goat cheese in the fennel salad.
LUKE: Yeah, I put goat cheese in the fennel salad. It goes good in the fennel salad and you had it sitting there.
SOOKIE: And I also have some Brill-o pads sitting there. You want to toss a couple of those into the fennel salad as well? Hm?
LUKE: How do you know all this?
SOOKIE: I just assumed.
LUKE: You just assumed I put goat cheese in the fennel salad.
SOOKIE: And walnuts in the béchamel.
LUKE: I did not put walnuts in the béchamel. Sookie, are you having people bring you my food? [Sookie doesn't respond.] You are! You're calling here and having people sneak food out from behind my back so that you can taste
it.
SOOKIE: Wow. You paranoid or what? Geez, man, time for a vacation.
[One of the kitchen staff enters the kitchen with an empty take-out container.]
LUKE: Hold on. [To the whole kitchen] Okay, here's the deal. Announcement, please. From this moment on there will be no more food leaving the premises. The food goes from here to the dining room, or upstairs, and that is it. No more food will leave the premises. No quiero que g*n comida salga de esta local. ¿Comprende?
[The staff agrees.]
LUKE [to Sookie]: What about you, you comprende?
SOOKIE: That's my kitchen, Luke!
LUKE: And it will be here waiting for you when you get back. Until then, sit back, relax, and watch Ellen dance around a little. I got work to do.
SOOKIE: Luke!
LUKE: Bye-bye.
[Sookie hangs up, frustrated.]
YALE DORMS – RORY'S COMMON ROOM
[Rory enters carrying her dress. Paris is in the kitchen.]
RORY: Hey, Paris.
PARIS: Hey, Rory.
[Rory walks into her room and is surprised to see Nanny making her bed.]
RORY: Oh!
NANNY: Oh, I scare?
RORY: No. Yes! Excuse me.
[She walks back into the common room.]
RORY: There's a woman in my room?
PARIS: That's Nanny. You know Nanny. That makes me sad, that you don't remember Nanny. She always liked you.
RORY: She's stripping my bed. Why is she doing that?
PARIS: Well, she finally got Doyle to sleep, and she has to do something. The woman doesn't tire. She's a machine.
RORY: What do you mean, she finally got Doyle to sleep?
PARIS: He's here. He's sick, so Nanny's taking care of him.
RORY: Why aren't you doing it?
PARIS: Sick people freak me out.
RORY: You're pre-med!
PARIS: I'm really tired of having that constantly thrown in my face.
RORY: Paris, could you please just get Nanny out of my room, ‘cause I have dinner with Logan tonight and I have to get ready.
PARIS: Logan? I thought you guys were –
RORY: We were.
PARIS: What happened?
RORY: Well, I told him that I didn't think things were working and that we should just be friends, but he didn't want to be just –
PARIS: Friends?
RORY: No. It seemed to wake him up. So now he wants to give commitment a try.
PARIS: A commitment? With Logan?
RORY: Yep.
PARIS: I don't believe it! You did it, you landed the whale. You're Annette Bening.
RORY: I'm not Annette Bening. It was just a matter of getting him to focus on the situation.
PARIS: Focus. Huh.
[Nanny walks out of Rory's room carrying an armload of shoes. She speaks in Portuguese to Paris.]
PARIS: She's going to buff your shoes.
RORY: I need these. [She grabs a pair from the top of the pile and heads back into her room with the dress.]
RORY [OS]: My God, my room is clean!
[Paris smirks and stirs her coffee.]
HUNTZBERGER MANSION
[Rory and Logan get out of his car in front of a massive house.]
RORY: Wow!
LOGAN: Uh, where are my keys? What did I do with my keys?
RORY: Just your parents live here?
LOGAN: Ah, got ‘em. [He pulls the keys from the ignition.]
RORY: Well, I certainly hope the drainage is good.
LOGAN: Excuse me?
RORY: Because if it's not good and you have pooling somewhere, you may not know it for months.
LOGAN: I'll be sure to mention that to them.
RORY: You look nervous.
LOGAN: Do I? Huh. I'm just not so sure what I got you into.
RORY: What do you mean?
LOGAN: Well, my family's not going to take my sister's engagement too well. They can be a little vicious when annoyed.
RORY: Hey. Relax. You do not have to worry about me at all. Five years of Friday night dinners have prepared me for exactly this moment.
LOGAN: Really?
RORY: Remind me to tell you about the time my mom climbed out a second story window to get away from my grandmother.
LOGAN: Ah, I will.
[They climb the steps to the front door.]
LOGAN: Okay, ready?
RORY: Ready.
[Logan rings the bell. Honor rushes out.]
HONOR: You are late!
LOGAN: Fifteen minutes.
HONOR: Well, it's awful! A morgue! It's like they already know what I'm going to tell them.
LOGAN: Well, you have been with Josh for three years now.
HONOR: I don't understand it. I called and told them that you were coming because that usually makes Mom happy. And I told her that you were bringing Rory so they'd be on their company behavior, but from the minute Josh and I walked in that door it's been iceberg city! Josh has completely panicked. Shaking.
LOGAN: Wow. Sorry.
HONOR: Don't be sorry. Just get in here and stop it.
[Honor marches inside. Logan sighs.]
RORY: Hm. Remind me to tell you about the time my mother wore a shirt with a rhinestone penis on it and my grandma had her car towed.
[Logan looks perplexed. They enter the foyer.]
RORY: Look at the ceiling!
LOGAN: Come on.
[He grabs her hand and pulls her through the house.]
RORY: Have you seen this ceiling?
HONOR: Hurry!
SHIRA: Well, look what the cat dragged in.
LOGAN: Sorry we're late, everyone.
SHIRA: It's all right, Logan, we're still waiting for your father. [Logan kisses her.]
LOGAN: Hey Grandpa, nice to see you. [They shake hands.]
ELIAS: Did you get those books I sent you?
LOGAN: I did, thank you. Hey, Josh, it's been a while, you're looking well.
JOSH: You too.
LOGAN: Everyone, I'd like you to meet Rory Gilmore.
RORY: Hi. It's really nice to meet you all. This house is amazing. Seriously, there should be a docent at the door.
SHIRA: Well, thank you, Rory.
LOGAN: You know Rory's grandparents, Mom. Richard and Emily.
SHIRA: Yes, of course. How are Richard and Emily doing?
RORY: They're doing very well.
SHIRA: Oh, that's wonderful.
[There is a moment of awkward silence. The only sound is Elias swishing an ice cube around his glass.]
RORY: So, um, you were at the wedding, right?
SHIRA: Oh. Why, yes. We were. Oh, it was lovely. Emily certainly knows how to plan an event.
RORY: That she does.
SHIRA: I should send her a note.
RORY [nodding]: Hm.
[Rory glances over at Honor, who points to Josh and mouths "Josh". Rory waves. Josh waves back. Elias continues swishing his ice around.]
LOGAN [getting up]: Hey, Grandpa, can I freshen your drink for you?
[Elias grunts. Logan takes his glass.]
SHIRA: Oh, I'm sorry. Can we get you something, Rory?
[Rory begins to shake her head.]
LOGAN: I got it, Mom.
[More awkward silence. Logan hands Rory a glass.]
RORY: Oh, Logan, I don't think I should –
LOGAN: It's club soda, Ace.
RORY: Oh, good.
[The maid brings in a message on a tray. Shira reads it.]
SHIRA: Apparently Mitchum is still at the office. We might as well start dinner. [She stands.] So. [She gestures for everyone to follow her.]
HONOR [to Josh]: Come on. You'll feel better when you've had some food.
JOSH: I'll feel better when we're leaving.
HONOR [to Rory]: So sorry. We owe you one.
RORY: No. [They head for the dining room. Rory points at a painting.] Is that a Velazquez?
LOGAN: Come on.
RORY: It is! That's a Velazquez! This house is so cool!
DRAGONFLY INN – KITCHEN
[Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: So, I am holding in my hand one of our comment cards on which a particular person has written, and I quote, "best meal I've ever had. The duck was exceptional, the lamb chops were amazing. Ask the chef if he'll marry me." What do you think?
LUKE: I don't know, what does she look like?
LORELAI: I didn't say it was a she.
LUKE: I'll stick with what I have.
LORELAI: Aw, sweet. I didn't know you were making lamb chops.
LUKE: Last minute addition. You know, your cooking crew here is great!
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: Yeah, Mark the salad guy? Top-notch. Javier is one hell of a grill man, and Manny, your sous-chef? I'd kick Caesar out on his ass if I could steal Manny.
LORELAI: Oh, you covet my kitchen staff. Feeling superior and I like it!
[She leaves. A waiter brings in an order slip.]
LUKE: Okay, guys, we need two sea basses, one chicken, one pepper steak without the pepper, go figure – where's Pedro going?
[Pedro is leaving the kitchen with a ladle. Luke follows him up the stairs and into one of the rooms.]
LUKE: I knew it! Are you insane?
SOOKIE: Well, you wouldn't take my calls!
LUKE: How long have you been up here?
SOOKIE: Since you made me promise that no food would leave the premises. Well, here I am, keeping my promises. Pedro, give me the ladle.
LUKE: Pedro, do not give her that ladle.
SOOKIE: Give me the ladle, Pedro.
LUKE: Vente uno con migo, Pedro!
SOOKIE: Hueso su jefe, Pedro!
LUKE: You're scaring Pedro.
SOOKIE: You're scaring Pedro.
LUKE: All day long things are disappearing. Salads are suddenly gone. Lamb chops don't make it to the table.
SOOKIE: I had to make sure you were doing it right.
LUKE: You're supposed to be home!
SOOKIE: No! I'm supposed to be in bed! And I'm in bed! And you said that you would double-strain the duck sauce and you, my friend, are not double straining!
LUKE: There will be no more of this. No more calls. No more questions. No more ladles that leave that kitchen. I don't care what bed you're in. That is between you and your husband and God, I hope a qualified therapist. But you will not interfere with me anymore. Period.
[He turns to go.]
SOOKIE [to Pedro]: Give me that.
[Luke grabs the ladle and runs.]
HUNTZBERGER MANSION – DINING ROOM
[The family is sitting at the table, being served dinner.]
LOGAN: So, Grandpa, how's the new boat?
ELIAS: It's a boat. It floats.
LOGAN: I hear it's beautiful. When are you going to let me take her out?
SHIRA: Now, Logan, you don't have the best track record when it comes to boats.
LOGAN: Only other people's boats. Our boats are very safe.
HONOR: We should do a summer trip. Maybe h*t the Amalfi Coast again? All of us. Rory, Josh, you, me.
[Elias slams his fork down on the table.]
SHIRA: Dad!
ELIAS: Maria!
MARIA: Yes, sir?
ELIAS: It's too hot. Bring me a salad.
SHIRA: I'll be right back. [She gets up.]
[Honor mimes smoking a cigarette to Rory.]
RORY [to Logan]: What?
LOGAN: Mom's a stress smoker.
RORY: Oh. I don't understand why everyone's so upset. Josh seems fine.
LOGAN: The Huntzbergers aren't interested in fine.
ELIAS: Shira!
SHIRA [OS]: Yes, Dad?
ELIAS: What time did Mitchum say he'd be here?
[Shira re-enters the room, coughing a bit and waving the smoke away.]
SHIRA: I don't know. He didn't say.
ELIAS: Well, this is ridiculous!
SHIRA: Please, Dad.
ELIAS: We're all just going to sit around this table and pretend there's nothing going on?
SHIRA: Let's just wait for Mitchum!
ELIAS: There are serious matters to be discussed here. This is an important family. Marrying into it is important business. But no, we can't discuss this until Mitchum gets here! [Maria brings him his salad.] What is this? Go away!
LOGAN: Okay, I'm sorry. I have to jump in here. Grandpa, we all respect you and Mom and Dad, but the bottom line here is, Honor has to be happy. Now, if she loves Josh, then –
HONOR: Logan, I appreciate you defending me but I can take it from here. Mom, Grandpa, I had hoped that you would be happy for me, but obviously that's not going to happen. You didn't even let me announce it to you before you formed your opinion, and I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but Josh and I made it official last week. We are engaged now and no matter what you say, we are going to get married. In June.
SHIRA: Well, of course you're going to get married! You've been dating for three years, and I already put a hold on the Japanese Tea Garden for next spring.
HONOR: Oh. Well, that sounds great, thank you!
LOGAN: So we should celebrate then!
ELIAS: We'll celebrate when we have finished our discussion!
HONOR: Which discussion?
ELIAS: The discussion about unsuitable people marrying into this family.
HONOR: What?
SHIRA [panicked]: I'll be right back! [She rushes out.]
ELIAS: You should know better than this, Logan! I know you like to joke around, and tease us, but I always thought at the end of the day, you understood what your responsibilities to this family were!
LOGAN: Mom, I suggest you come back in here, right now!
SHIRA [hovering near the doorway]: Logan, you just haven't thought about this. I mean, I'm sure Rory understands. She wants to work. Isn't that right, Rory? Emily's always talking about you wanting to be a reporter and travel around doing this and that. A girl like Rory has no idea what it takes to be in this family, Logan.
LOGAN: Oh my God.
SHIRA: She wasn't raised that way. She wasn't bred for it. And this isn't at all about her mother, it's just, you come from two totally different worlds.
ELIAS: It would never work. Not for you, and certainly not for us.
LOGAN: Okay, this conversation is going to end right now. I am not going to sit here –
ELIAS: You are going to be taking over this company! That's what you are going to be doing! And when you do, you are going to need the right kind of person at your side. This isn't college, Logan!
SHIRA: And whatever happened to that Fallon girl? I loved her. Do you talk
anymore?
LOGAN: No, we don't talk! We never talked, you talked.
SHIRA: Oh, what a shame. I just loved her.
LOGAN [gets up]: Okay. Let's go.
SHIRA [calling after them as they leave]: Logan. You have to understand. You bring this girl home without any warning at all, and Honor tells us you're calling her your girlfriend! We have to take that seriously. Logan, come back here!
RORY: I don't understand!
LOGAN: They're psychotic. What more is there to understand?
RORY: But why don't they think I'm good enough?
LOGAN: Rory.
RORY: I mean, I'm a Gilmore! Do they know that? My ancestors came over on the Mayflower!
LOGAN: Don't try to analyze it, there's no rhyme or reason!
RORY: I had a coming out party! I went to Chilton, and Yale, and why are they okay with Josh? I mean, he doesn't even say anything! At least I noticed the Velazquez!
LOGAN: Josh isn't marrying the heir to the Huntzberger fortune, you are. [The door opens.] I've got to get out of here.
[Mitchum enters.]
MITCHUM: Logan! Perfect. Did they start dinner? Is it some sort of precious fish dish? ‘Cause I'm dying for a steak. You're Rory, I assume. Heard a lot about you. [They shake hands.]
LOGAN: We're leaving.
MITCHUM: What? Why?
LOGAN: You know why.
MITCHUM: Had a long day, Logan. Don't want to play games. Is dinner over?
LOGAN: No. The Huntzberger family Shanghai is over. Dinner, however is still going on.
MITCHUM: Oh, okay. Okay. What happened? [He walks toward the dining room.] Oh, no. Why is your mother smoking?
LOGAN: We have to go. I'm sure they'll fill you in on everything.
RORY: It was nice to meet you.
[Logan and Rory leave.]
YALE DORMS – PARIS' BEDROOM
[Doyle and Nanny are laughing. Paris opens the door. Doyle rubs salve on his chest.]
DOYLE: Paris, come on in, we're just chatting.
PARIS: I see that.
DOYLE: I got to tell you, Paris, you were right. This stuff is magic. Esa e majica. [Nanny laughs.] She just taught me that.
[Nanny speaks Portuguese and gets up to go.]
DOYLE: Uh-huh.
[She leaves, smiling and nodding at Paris.]
DOYLE: She's great!
PARIS: Yeah, she is. So, you seem better!
DOYLE: I am so much better. Nanny's got me salving every four hours, I've steamed, I've had soup. All I need now is one more good Nyquil knockout sleep, and I'll be as good as new. [He points to the Nyquil.] Hey, could you?
PARIS [grabs it]: Oh, sure.
DOYLE: I've got to tell you, Paris. You're a lifesaver. Really. [Paris stares at the Nyquil in her hand.] Paris? [She looks up.] Paris, the Nyquil!
PARIS: Doyle, it's time we have a talk about our relationship.
DOYLE: But –
PARIS: Doyle, focus!
DRAGONFLY INN – KITCHEN
[Jackson bursts through the door.]
JACKSON: Hey. You in the hat.
LUKE: Jackson, what are you –
JACKSON: How dare you take a ladle from a pregnant woman!
LUKE: What?
JACKSON: Dr. Menck very specifically said that she needs to relax and she cannot relax thinking you're in here screwing up her sauce!
LUKE: I'm not!
JACKSON: Now, while there's a very good chance that you could k*ll me in a fight, I do not care. That woman is my wife, and she is carrying my baby. So from now on, if she wants to talk, you will talk! If she wants to taste your food, you will let her taste your food! If she wants you to double-strain that sauce, you will double-strain that sauce, my friend! Because I have to live with her and if she is upset because of anything that you have done, I will come over here and I will soundly kick your ass! That is if you haven't k*lled me yet! [He marches out of the kitchen.]
LUKE: Hey!
[Luke also marches out of the kitchen.]
DRAGONFLY INN – LIVING ROOM
[Luke walks up to Lorelai.]
LUKE: Hey. That's it. I've had it.
LORELAI: You've had what?
LUKE: She's a crazy woman, and now she's upstairs and ladles are mysteriously flying out of the kitchen.
LORELAI: Who's upstairs?
LUKE: Sookie's upstairs!
LORELAI: No, Sookie's at home.
LUKE: No, Sookie's supposed to be at home. And then I didn't strain the sauce twice, so she came here to drive me crazy and she brought her loony husband with her!
LORELAI: Jackson's here? How am I missing all of this?
LUKE: I don't know, and I don't care! I'm through! I'm not taking this anymore!
LORELAI: What do you mean, you're not taking it anymore? What are you going to do?
LUKE: You want to know what I'm going to do? Nothing! Because I am in a relationship with you and you know very well I can't leave. All I can do is come out here and say I'm through and pretend I have a leg to stand on and then march back into that kitchen and keep doing the job, but, oh, boy. I'm going to be thinking about what I would have done if we weren't in a relationship, even though that would mean I wouldn't be in this position in the first place. [He nods.] Excuse me.
[Lorelai watches him go, then heads upstairs to the room Sookie was in. There are samples of food on the bed, but she is gone. Lorelai goes outside to chase after her.]
STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Lorelai catches up to Jackson and Sookie, making their getaway in a golf cart. She walks alongside them.]
LORELAI: Ah, if this is the eccentric couple version of the Amazing Race, I think you guys are winning.
JACKSON: Are we talking to her? I don't think we're talking to her.
SOOKIE: Hey, it's Lorelai!
JACKSON: Girlfriend of Luke, and we're not talking to Luke.
SOOKIE: Well, I'm talking to Lorelai. How you doing?
LORELAI: Sookie, this is not bed rest.
SOOKIE: My feet are up.
JACKSON: I told you not to talk to her.
LORELAI: What is with the ‘tude, cranky pants?
SOOKIE: He's very mad at Luke.
LORELAI: Well, I'm not Luke!
JACKSON: By extension, you are Luke.
LORELAI: Sookie, what were you doing at the Inn?
SOOKIE: Checking in on the restaurant. That's my job.
LORELAI: Not anymore. Your job is bed rest.
SOOKIE: Ooh, honey, easy on the bumps. Baby doesn't like the bumps.
LORELAI: Jackson, stop.
JACKSON: She and that boyfriend of hers. Bossiest couple in town.
LORELAI: Stop! At least let me ride!
[Jackson slows down to let Lorelai jump on.]
SOOKIE: Oh!
LORELAI: Okay. Go. [They go.] Sookie, you knew the day was coming when you wouldn't be able to come in!
SOOKIE: I had three weeks.
LORELAI: You never had any applications, did you?
SOOKIE: I meant to. No one was good enough.
LORELAI: Well, no one's as good as you, but plenty of people are good enough! We just need one of them, just till you're back on your feet.
SOOKIE: I know!
LORELAI: You know, Luke's not as good as you either. That kind of cooking's a little fancy for him, but he tried.
SOOKIE: Yeah, he's not bad. He's pretty good, in fact. What does he put in these? [She pulls out a plate covered in foil.]
LORELAI: What is that?
SOOKIE: His lamb chops. They're amazing, I'm taking them home to study.
LORELAI: Well, you could have just asked him.
SOOKIE: Hm, he's mad at me.
JACKSON: We're mad at him!
LORELAI: We're all going to stop being mad at each other. Now, pull over.
JACKSON: Why?
LORELAI: Because, uh, you live here.
JACKSON: Oh, yeah. [He stops the cart.]
LORELAI: You know, Luke said that Manny was doing pretty well.
SOOKIE: I know, I trained him. You know, when I first met him he didn't know a cafette from a chiffonade.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, he's from New Jersey.
SOOKIE: And he picked it up quick.
LORELAI: Maybe he can take over while you're out. Keep it in the family. He knows all your secrets.
SOOKIE: Okay. We'll go with Manny. He's a good guy.
LORELAI: I think that's a good idea.
SOOKIE: Thank Luke for me.
LORELAI: I will.
SOOKIE: And find out what's in these lamb chops, because they're driving me crazy!
LORELAI: I promise. Jackson, get her inside. Don't let her move.
SOOKIE: Hey, how are you going to get back?
LORELAI: Oh, I thought I'd take the cart you guys stole.
SOOKIE: Perfect!
JACKSON: This all turned out pretty good.
[He helps Sookie inside.]
YALE CAMPUS
[Logan is walking Rory home in silence. He looks troubled. They reach the door of her building.]
LOGAN: So. Okay if I just drop you here?
RORY: Drop me here?
LOGAN: Yeah, lights are on. Paris is home. I've had about all the crazy I can for one evening.
RORY: Okay. Sure. You know we don't have to go in, we can go get something to eat.
LOGAN: I'm not hungry.
RORY: Okay.
LOGAN: I just want to walk a little, clear my head.
RORY: Okay.
[They kiss.]
LOGAN: I'll call you later.
RORY: Tomorrow?
LOGAN [walking away]: Uh, yeah. Tomorrow.
[Rory goes inside.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Luke and Lorelai relax on the couch. Luke is nearly asleep. Lorelai flips through channels on the T.V.]
LORELAI: Does it seem like Frodo is on every fricking channel to you, or is it just me?
LUKE: God, I have never been this tired.
LORELAI: Aw. You were one hell of a white knight today, baby.
LUKE: Yes, I'm a regular Lancelot.
LORELAI: You're starting to snooze.
LUKE: Uh-huh.
LORELAI [softly]: Do you want to go upstairs, or are you okay right here?
LUKE: Uh-huh.
LORELAI [whispers]: Luke.
[Luke groans.]
LORELAI [whispers]: What did you put in the lamb chops?
LUKE: Forget it.
LORELAI: Come on!
[The phone rings.]
LUKE: Saved by the bell.
LORELAI: I'll be right back. [She answers the phone.] Hello?
[Scene cuts from Lorelai's house to Rory's bedroom.]
RORY: You busy?
LORELAI: What's wrong?
RORY: Dinner was awful.
LORELAI [whispers]: Hold on. [She gets up and goes into the kitchen, careful not to disturb Luke.] Okay, h*t it.
RORY: Well, to make a long story short, Logan's family hates me.
LORELAI: That's impossible. It's like hating Thumper. No one hates Thumper.
RORY: They think I'm trash. They think I'm not good enough to marry into their family.
LORELAI: What are they talking about? Don't they know you're a Gilmore?
RORY: I don't think they care.
LORELAI: Ah, pfft. And who said anything about marrying into their family?
RORY: Apparently, Logan bringing me over for dinner said that I was going to marry into their family.
LORELAI: Uh, that's crazy.
RORY: I know! But then they got all panicked and they started saying all these things –
LORELAI: To your face?
RORY: Right there at the dinner table!
LORELAI: What?
RORY: They went on and on about how I'm going to be a career woman and Logan, you don't want that, she won't understand our lifestyle or the demands, or, or the family responsibilities!
LORELAI: What family responsibilities? Who are they, the Gambino's?
RORY: Then his mother starts in on that lovely Fallon girl, and doesn't Logan see her anymore? Because she would make a perfect choice!
LORELAI: And what did you say?
RORY: Nothing. I just sat there. I just sat there and let them say that I wasn't good enough, and that Logan was making a mistake, and just wait till his father came home!
LORELAI: I hate these people!
RORY: It was awful.
LORELAI: Well, Logan didn't just sit there and let them att*ck you all night, did he?
RORY: No. He got really mad and he told them they were all crazy and then we left.
LORELAI: Well, good for him.
RORY: But we didn't say a word to each other all the way home. And then walking back to my dorm, he just looked so freaked. I could tell that he was just, I don't know, rethinking everything. The whole relationship. I'm just afraid he's going to bolt. Mom?
[Lorelai has been shaking her head in disapproval, not saying anything.]
LORELAI: Can I say something? Something you may not want to hear?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: If he is going to bolt, maybe you should let him bolt. He told you, Rory, he told you he was not a commitment kind of guy, just like you're not a non-commitment kind of girl. And you tried to be something you weren't and it was bad. It didn't work for you. Don't try and force him to be something he's not.
RORY: I didn't force him!
LORELAI: I know, but he was looking at losing you, and he didn't want to and I give him credit for that, but maybe in the end this is not the guy or the relationship for you.
RORY: I don't care what his family thinks.
LORELAI: This has nothing to do with his family.
RORY: We're good together, Mom. I'm good for him.
LORELAI: But maybe he isn't good for you.
RORY: People can change!
LORELAI: Do you really want to be in the business of changing someone?
RORY: Maybe he wants to change!
LORELAI: Rory, two days ago you were on the bathroom floor crying about why he won't call you. Why doesn't he like you, what did you do?
RORY: I was drunk. I was sick!
LORELAI: You, my beautiful, brainy, fabulous daughter, were lying on the floor of the bathroom, wondering what you had done wrong! Which is disturbing to me on several levels, including the fact that I can't remember the last time I cleaned the floor of the bathroom! Is that really the kind of relationship you want to be in?
[Rory is frowning. There is a knock on the door of her common room.]
RORY: Hold on.
[She goes to answer the door, still holding the phone. Logan is standing in the door.]
RORY: Hey. Everything okay?
LOGAN: I'm sorry.
RORY: For what?
LOGAN: For just taking off like that. I just, this was a very intense evening for me.
RORY: I'm sure.
LOGAN: But taking off like that, I was overreacting, that's just stupid. So, forgive me?
RORY: There's nothing to forgive.
LOGAN: Come on, grab your coat. I'll take you to get something to eat.
RORY: Okay. I'll be right back.
[She goes back into her bedroom and closes the door.]
RORY [on the phone]: Did you hear that?
LORELAI: Yeah. I sure did.
RORY: Everything's fine. I just got upset about nothing.
LORELAI: Okay, but –
RORY: Thanks for the talk, Mom, and I heard you, but I have to go.
LORELAI: Okay. Call me tomorrow.
RORY: I will.
[She hangs up, gets her coat, and leaves. Lorelai hangs up and stares at the floor, helpless.]
YALE NEWSROOM
[Paris is talking to Rory at her desk.]
PARIS: He got dumped two years ago. Apparently, it was a vicious Julia Roberts to Kiefer Sutherland kind of dump. She broke his heart, slept with his best friend, and took the dog. He swore off women completely until he met me.
RORY: Wow. That was a lot of ground you guys covered last night.
PARIS: He finally admitted, once his cough started coming back, that what we have he no longer views as casual. He said we are officially in a committed
–
RORY: Hey, I know that word!
PARIS: - Relationship, and I would not be remotely out of line if I called myself his girlfriend. And then I handed him the Nyquil, and then he passed out.
RORY: Very romantic.
PARIS: I know.
[Mitchum enters the newsroom.]
RORY: I'm happy for you.
PARIS: I'm happy for me too. Mr. Huntzberger! [She stands suddenly.]
MITCHUM: Hello, there. Hello, Rory.
RORY: Hi.
PARIS: Paris Gellar. We met a couple of months ago. [She shakes his hand.]
MITCHUM: I remember the handshake. Reminded me of Jimmy Breslin's.
PARIS: High compliment.
MITCHUM: Would you excuse us?
PARIS: Oh, sure. [She leaves.]
RORY: Are you looking for Logan?
MITCHUM: No, I know better than to look for my son in the newsroom. I came to talk to you.
RORY: About what?
MITCHUM: I'm very sorry about what happened the other night.
RORY: It's okay.
MITCHUM: My family behaved atrociously, and, though Logan was a little naïve to walk into the lion's den without a chair like that, they were wrong and you deserve an apology.
RORY: Okay. Thank you.
MITCHUM: So, I hear you have some rather lofty journalistic aspirations.
RORY [nods]: I have plans.
MITCHUM: You know, my company just acquired a small newspaper. The Stamford Eagle Gazette. Decent circulation, pretty sorry writing, but definite potential. When we buy a new paper, I like to spend some time there. Take a couple of months, help turn it around, make sure we're getting our money's worth. Stamford isn't a bad train ride from here, is it?
RORY: Um, no.
MITCHUM: I have an internship available, if you're interested.
RORY: An internship?
MITCHUM: Be a good chance for you to get your feet wet. Experience how the real thing works.
RORY: No. Thank you.
MITCHUM [confused]: No, thank you?
RORY: I appreciate the offer. But no.
MITCHUM [stands up as if to leave, then turns back to Rory]: May I be so bold as to inquire, why the hell not?
RORY: Because I have a feeling that the only reason you're doing this is because you feel guilty about what happened the other night at dinner, and it's very nice, but very unnecessary.
MITCHUM: So what?
RORY: Excuse me?
MITCHUM: Say the only reason I offered this to you is because my family behaved badly and I wanted to make up for it. Say I have no interest in furthering your career. This is still an opportunity. Who cares why you got the opportunity? It's here, and life is about making the most of everything you're handed. Well, this is being handed to you. Now, what are you going to do about it?
[Rory looks thoughtful. Mitchum smiles in victory.]
MITCHUM: Monday. Ten o'clock. Call my office for the details. [He begins walking away.] And bring a pencil! You never know when you're going to need a pencil!
[He leaves.]
____________________________END_______________________________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x19 - But I'm A Gilmore"} | foreverdreaming |
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai sits quietly at the kitchen table, feet up, cordless phone to her ear. Her eyes move back and forth over the floor. Switch to Rory's dorm. She is doing the same thing. Camera pans out back at Lorelai's to show that she is watching an a*t*matic vacuum roll around. So is Rory.]
LORELAI: So is this more or less fun than watching the same T.V. show at the same time?
RORY: I think it's more.
LORELAI: You know, if we died right now, and decomposed, it would vacuum us up and no one would ever know.
RORY: Freaky.
OPENING CREDITS
YALE DORMS - RORY'S COMMON ROOM
[Paris enters from outside, wearing a pink bathrobe and toweling her hair.]
PARIS [singing]: I'm walking on sunshine! Whoa! I'm walking on sunshine, whoa! I'm walking on sunshine, whoa! And don't it feel good! Hey, all right!
[Rory emerges from her bedroom.]
RORY: Hey!
PARIS: What?
RORY: Learn a new song, or I am tying you to a chair and putting Hotel Rwanda on again.
PARIS: It's love, baby. Deal. [She brushes her hair.]
RORY: You're not going to use that as a microphone, are you?
PARIS: Oh, no, Reverend has the town band dancing and singing? [Paris grins.] I'm really happy.
RORY: Doyle, I assume?
PARIS: You know, he calls me his girlfriend now with no visible shaking.
RORY: I'm happy you're happy.
PARIS: So, how are things with Logan?
RORY [smiling]: You want to hand me that hairbrush?
PARIS: Look at us. We're happy, we have boyfriends! This is infinitely better than any mood s*ab I have ever been on.
[Someone knocks on the door.]
RORY: Oh, sh**t, what time is it?
PARIS: It's Hammer time.
RORY: It's Logan. Hairbrushes down.
PARIS: You got it.
[Rory walks over and opens the door.]
LOGAN: Evening, Ace.
RORY: Hi.
[They kiss.]
PARIS: Nice. Very nice.
RORY: Hey, you want to see my room? It's far away from here.
LOGAN: Super idea.
[They go into her room and close the door. They kiss some more.]
RORY: Hello.
LOGAN: Hello.
RORY: What are you thinking about?
LOGAN: Whether or not you've ever woken up with Paris standing over you with a Kn*fe.
RORY: Not recently. She's been in a good mood.
LOGAN: Why is that?
RORY: Because she's in love.
LOGAN: With Doyle?
RORY: Yes, with Doyle. And do not mock or make fun, because when Paris is happy, the whole world is happy. But when she's not happy, the whole world is Deadwood.
LOGAN: Got it. You hungry?
RORY: Yes, I'm starving. Just let me get my sweater. [She opens her closet.] Hey, what do you think of this dress? Does it look newspaper-y enough?
LOGAN: What?
RORY: I'm trying to figure out what to wear on my first day at the paper.
LOGAN: Ah, the internship rears its ugly head again.
RORY: I want to look professional but not too Lois Lane-y, and I don't want to look like a college kid.
LOGAN: You are a college kid.
RORY: Not on Monday. On Monday, I am a newspaper woman. And I have to look like a newspaper woman.
LOGAN: Whatever you wear will be fine.
RORY: I'm so excited. [She hangs up the dress.]
LOGAN: I can tell.
RORY: Oh. Last night, I couldn't sleep, so I Googled your father.
LOGAN: Excuse me?
RORY: Twelve thousand fifty three items came up. I could only pull up a couple thousand, but it really helped. [She holds up the stack of papers, flipping through them. Logan looks amused and a little disturbed.] He was born in 1953, Episcopalian, second of four children, oldest boy, Yale undergrad, star of the track team. No grad school. Interesting. Then he had a couple of lost years. Kind of a blank period, a little Jesus thing going on there. Worked as a reporter and editor for two of the Huntzberger papers before taking over as CEO of the company!
LOGAN: Uh –
RORY: I mean, when you look at all these accomplishments, the man must never sleep!
LOGAN: Well –
RORY: Ah. Mm-hm, four hours a night. Just like Clinton.
LOGAN: You don't have a wall in a secret room with pictures of my father pasted all over it, do you?
RORY: Logan, I'm going to be interning for him. I need to know everything about him. Is he an egghead? Because he seems very roll-up-the-sleeves-y. But he's written about everything, from foreign affairs, domestic policies. He had a wine column, for God's sake. I should learn more about wine.
LOGAN: Look, Rory –
RORY: What are his politics? He's unbelievably neutral in his writing! Right wing, left wing, middle wing. Oh, the man was short-listed for the Pulitzer for covering the Iranian hostage crisis when he was twenty-five!
LOGAN: Yeah, I heard something about that.
RORY: Twenty-five! How did he do that? Especially considering his lost years? He's a born journalist. I mean, what does he read? What papers, what journals? Come on, tell me something.
LOGAN: He hates peas.
RORY: Logan, I need your help here.
LOGAN: Rory, my dad and I basically have two conversations. ‘Logan, you're not living up to your potential' and ‘Logan, when you're sailing close-hauled, wait until you gain that last bit of boat speed before you pull in the jib sheet.' That's it.
RORY: But –
LOGAN: Ace! You've learned more about my father in one night than I've learned in my whole life! Don't worry. You're going to be fine! Now, I thought we've established that we're both starving.
RORY: Yes, we have. Let's go.
[She puts down her notes on Mitchum, grabs her sweater and turns to leave. She remembers something else, and turns around to write it down.]
RORY: Oh! Wait! Your dad covered Haiti in 1985. Must learn more about Haiti. Got it. Okay, let's go. Hey, have you ever discussed Pinochet with him? Because one time he wrote –
LOGAN: Peas, Ace. Peas.
RORY: Right. Sorry.
[He directs her out the door.]
YALE CLASSROOM
[Rory and classmates sit around a large round table. The professor lectures.]
PROFESSOR: As we move on from the empiricist to the rationalist, it would be good to start thinking about the differences between the A posteriori truths, and the Apriority truths of the rationalist, which exists independent of experience. So for Wednesday if you would all take a crack at the first five chapters of Spinoza's Ethics. That is, those of you who's entire weekend won't be consumed by books on wine and Haiti.
[He gestures at the stack of reference books piled in front of Rory.]
RORY: Yes. My interests are teasingly diverse.
PROFESSOR: Whatever. See you all on Wednesday.
[The students pack up their things. Rory's cell phone rings.]
RORY: Hello?
[Scene cuts from the classroom to Stars Hollow Street, where Lorelai is walking.]
LORELAI: Ah, thank God. Did you return the blue sweater?
RORY: Oh, no.
LORELAI: Answer, please.
RORY: Two days ago.
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: Why? Because two days ago you asked me to take it back. Demanded me, in fact.
LORELAI: And suddenly you're just so freakin' reliable, you just hop to it and do whatever I say?
RORY: I've always been freakin' reliable. It's how I was raised.
LORELAI: Oh, so blame me.
RORY: I am not returning the blue sweater again, so don't think about asking.
LORELAI: But I want it, I need it.
RORY: I've already returned the Capri pants twice. I've tried to return a couple of your other items that were all sales final, which makes me look retail simple. And this is not the first, but the second time I will have returned the blue sweater.
LORELAI: Ooh, the Capri pants. Have you taken those back yet?
RORY: I can't show my face in any stores in New Haven. They think I'm Paper Mooning them.
LORELAI [proud]: Oh, she was very cute in Paper Moon. You're very cute, too.
RORY: Calling me cute is not going to persuade me. And I have classes. A life.
LORELAI: Monday afternoon. That's your free time, right? I remember some bragging to that effect. Go back on Monday.
RORY: Oh. Well, Monday used to be free.
LORELAI: Used to be? It's not free anymore?
RORY: I guess we haven't talked in a couple of days. Um, I actually got an internship.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: Kind of an important high-profile one.
LORELAI: Wow! That's great!
RORY: It's for a newspaper in Stamford that Logan's dad acquired. He offered me the spot himself.
LORELAI: Logan's dad.
RORY: Yeah. It was kind of out of the blue.
LORELAI: So when did you hear?
RORY: Just a few days ago. I forgot I hadn't told you, I start on Monday.
LORELAI: Wow, congratulations!
RORY: It's a pretty amazing opportunity.
LORELAI: Yeah, sounds like it. You'll be having lunch with the off-bet editors from the Times. Hanging out with Peter Jennings. Dan Rather will be valet parking your car.
RORY: Yeah, it's more likely that I'll be pulling wire reports off the AP machine, but sure.
LORELAI: Good, good. So, no worries on the blue sweater front.
RORY: It's off my radar screen.
LORELAI: Really? So you're really not going to make the effort?
RORY: I'll see if I can swing by on Tuesday.
LORELAI: Just send your assistant. You're getting an assistant, right?
RORY: Oh, I'm sure. I'll see you Friday night.
LORELAI: Bye, hon.
RORY: Bye.
STARS HOLLOW – TWICKHAM HOUSE
[Luke walks into the diorama room.]
LUKE: Taylor?
TAYLOR [OS]: Hello, is someone out there?
LUKE: Where are you, Taylor?
TAYLOR [OS]: Over here! I can't move!
[Luke wanders through the room, notices the horse mannequin with the Jebediah family on top of it. Taylor's hand waves from underneath the pile.]
LUKE: Oh, I have got to get a camera.
[He walks over to look at Taylor.]
LUKE: How in the hell did you do this?
TAYLOR: I was doing a little light dusting, and was toying with the idea of repositioning the horse's hindquarters, and the whole thing came tumbling down.
LUKE: You can't leave anything alone, can you?
TAYLOR: Are you going to help me, or not? I feel like I've been lying here for days.
LUKE: You have not been lying here for days. Kirk came into the diner two hours ago.
TAYLOR: You waited two hours to come and get me?
LUKE: I have a business. I can't come running every time a family of mannequins decides to att*ck you.
[He starts to lift the horse off of Taylor.]
TAYLOR: Ow!
LUKE: Just lie still.
TAYLOR: Oh, this is so humiliating.
LUKE: Taylor, don't you think it's time?
TAYLOR: Time for what?
LUKE: You've been trapped under the Jebediahs for two hours and no one has come in here.
TAYLOR: What's your point, Luke?
LUKE: My point is the museum's a bust.
TAYLOR: Well, I'll admit. Attendance is low.
LUKE: No one is coming!
TAYLOR: I was reading an article about the power of bus bench ads for getting the word out. Very big in the music industry. Apparently the rapper, Fitty Cent, swears by them.
LUKE: Taylor, come on. Isn't it time to sell? Let somebody who really wants this place have it!
TAYLOR: I guess it is. I had such dreams.
LUKE: There'll be other dreams.
TAYLOR: I guess. You can resume your attempts to get me out of here.
LUKE: You're definitely ready to sell the house?
TAYLOR: Yes.
LUKE: Then let's get you out of here.
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE
[Emily, Richard and Rory are eating dinner.]
RORY: Tennis lessons? That sounds great, Grandma.
EMILY: I've always liked tennis. And I have to say, I'm excited by the prospect of getting some good, healthy exercise.
RICHARD: I'm excited by the prospect of those fetching tennis costumes.
EMILY: Richard, not in front of Rory.
RORY: Oh, I'm fairly worldly now, Grandma.
RICHARD: She was a heck of a tennis player in her day. And very competitive.
EMILY: I wasn't that competitive.
RICHARD: This woman was kicked off the field hockey team in Smith for elbowing Ceci Everetts in the neck.
EMILY: She got in my way.
RICHARD: And this happened in the parking lot after the game.
EMILY: Now, now. Rory, tell us a little more about this internship. It sounds very exciting.
RORY: Well, all I really know is that I'm going to be shadowing Mitchum Huntzberger, just to sort of learn and observe, plus pitching in here and there.
RICHARD: You are going to learn a hell of a lot.
EMILY: It was very sweet of Logan to arrange this for you.
RORY: Well, actually, Mitchum Huntzberger offered it to me himself.
EMILY [impressed]: Really?
RICHARD: Now, how about that? He just called you up? Your reputation for excellence preceded you?
RORY: Well, he came by Yale, actually. I had met him when I had dinner at his house, and then –
EMILY: Dinner? What dinner?
RORY: Um, just a dinner that Logan took me to.
RICHARD: At the Huntzbergers' house?
RORY: Well, yes.
EMILY: When? When?
RORY: About a week ago, I guess.
RICHARD: Good Lord.
EMILY: Richard, it's already been a week!
RICHARD: We need to invite him right away!
RORY: Who?
EMILY: Logan! The ball's been dropped!
RICHARD: I'll put an invite in the mail first thing tomorrow.
EMILY: We really should have had him over first. We probably should call him as well.
RICHARD: We could messenger it in by tonight, it isn't even eight.
RORY: Well, it's really nice of you to want to have him over, really, but you don't need to.
EMILY: Rory, if you could mention it to him yourself, preferably tonight, I'll get a note over to him tomorrow.
RICHARD: He'll need a choice of dates.
EMILY: I'll get my book.
RICHARD: I'll get mine, too.
[They get up and rush off.]
EMILY: Rory!
RORY: Mm! Oh, call him now!
RICHARD: Right now, right now, right now.
RORY: Oh, okay!
[She gets up and goes to the phone. Scene cuts between the Gilmore's living room and Logan's dorm, where he is reading on the couch.]
LOGAN: Hello?
RORY: Listen. You're going to be getting a note from the Gilmores sometime soon. Maybe in the mail, maybe hand delivered tonight. For all I know, a carrier pigeon is heading for your room as we speak. You might want to open your window.
LOGAN: Why is a carrier pigeon heading here?
RORY: They want to have you over for dinner.
LOGAN: Oh.
RORY: They're flipping out about it. She's sending an apology for being so remiss as to wait one whole week since I had dinner at your house to extend an invitation. I mean, they're losing it. So I'm calling to warn you, and, I want you to know, I didn't suggest us having dinner with them or encourage it in any way. And I definitely did not refer to you as my b-word in front of them or even imply it in any way. Because, you know, I'm really happy with the way things have been going and I don't want any pressure put on us, and I'm sorry, and I think I already said that, and that's it.
LOGAN: What are the odds of getting out of this?
RORY: Pretty much zero.
LOGAN: Then let's do it.
RORY: Really?
LOGAN: Yeah, it won't be so bad.
RORY: Well, you are a true gentleman. [She hears a bang from Logan's end of the phone.] Oh, my God, what was that?
LOGAN: Carrier pigeon. Should have opened the window.
RORY: Not funny.
LOGAN: Kinda funny.
RORY [smiling]: Bye.
LOGAN: Bye.
LUKE'S DINER
[Luke serves Lorelai dinner.]
LUKE : Burger rare, cheddar cheese, barbecue sauce on the side.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, save Rory some lemon pie.
LUKE: Rory's coming in tonight?
LORELAI: Yeah, she's going to see Lane's band play at Positively Four Street tonight. They have the coveted three in the morning slot.
LUKE: I hear that's how Zeppelin started.
LORELAI: Yeah, her genius plan is to come home, go to bed early, set the clock for two, get up and go rock.
LUKE: Solid plan.
LORELAI: Yes, except that when the clock goes off at two, she will be d*ad asleep and won't hear it. I, however, will. I will then proceed to get up, drag myself downstairs, recreating a classic Zucker Brothers moment and then I'll shake her awake. She'll get up, throw on some jeans, a t-shirt, and no make-up and look like a Neutrogena ad, whereas once she leaves, I'll pass out on the couch, too exhausted to make it all the way upstairs, and in the morning I will have bags under my eyes that should have Tumi stamped on them. I love being a mom. [They see some men carrying a mannequin down the street.] Aw. Are the guys in town unusually lonely these days?
LUKE: No, they're from the museum. I think they're getting ready to close it.
LORELAI: Close it? No! Why?
LUKE: Oh, well, you know, no one was going.
LORELAI: I was going.
LUKE: Oh, well, you went once.
LORELAI: No, I was going to go again! Just as soon as the nightmares about the ‘I love Jesus' mannequin subsided.
LUKE: Well, you saw it once.
LORELAI [sighs]: I guess.
[Rory enters.]
RORY: Here's your sweater, and I hope you're happy, because the saleswoman called me a name. Where's my pie?
LORELAI: Luke! Pie!
[She pulls the sweater out of the bag and wrinkles her nose.]
LORELAI: What do we think?
RORY: It's great.
LORELAI: Huh.
RORY: No.
LORELAI: I thought it was light blue.
RORY: No, it was dark blue.
LORELAI: Oh. Did they have one that was light blue?
RORY: You are officially banned from ever shopping in New Haven again.
LORELAI: Well, thank God I have you to do it for me.
[Luke brings over Rory's pie.]
RORY: Hey, Luke. You're the only one I like around here at the moment.
LUKE: Right back at you.
LORELAI: Okay, so, other than your stylist duties, what else is going on in the life of the young and hopeful?
RORY: I'm considering taking Russian.
LORELAI: Oh, very practical. How's Logan?
RORY: He's fine. Grandma and Grandpa invited him to dinner.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
RORY: It was actually less of an invite and more of a freak-out. They heard about the dinner I went to.
LORELAI: Heard how much?
RORY: The Reader's Digest version.
LORELAI: Got it.
RORY: Apparently they've already exceeded the polite reciprocal invite window, and if he doesn't come to dinner soon, Grandma has to give back her pearls.
LORELAI: Wow. So, um, when is this dinner happening?
RORY: Three dates were proposed. Logan's picking one of them.
LORELAI: Huh. So it should be an interesting evening.
RORY: Yep. I'll take notes and pictures.
LORELAI: Cool, okay. You do that.
LORELAI'S HOUSE – RORY'S BEDROOM
[The digital clock says it is 12:30. Lorelai suddenly pounces on sleeping Rory. Rory whines.]
LORELAI: I want to go to dinner.
RORY: Where's the clock?
LORELAI: I mean, you said that I could meet Logan properly, and you know how good I am when there's food involved!
RORY: Twelve thirty!
LORELAI: I mean, is there a reason I wasn't invited?
RORY: Ah. Can't we talk about this tomorrow?
LORELAI: It is tomorrow. I just don't think it's right that they get first dibs on him. I mean, I am your mom, and we are very close, in case you haven't heard, and I should get to know him first!
RORY: Grandma and Grandpa already know him!
LORELAI: Huh! Okay, so they have a head start! Fine. But I bet they won't know him, know him like I will know him if you let me go to dinner.
RORY: I didn't think you'd want to come to dinner.
LORELAI: Why not?
RORY: Well, it's at their house, first of all, and I don't know how you feel about the Logan situation.
LORELAI: Hey, this guy is in your life and I want to know him. Don't you want me to know him?
RORY: Of course I want you to know him.
LORELAI: Okay, so –
RORY: I'd love for you to come to dinner.
LORELAI: Great! Good. You call Grandma for me. [She gets up and heads out the door.]
RORY: No way!
LORELAI [startled, turns around]: Why not?
RORY: You want to come to dinner, you call Grandma!
LORELAI: But I'm not talking to Grandma.
RORY: Well, you're going to have to talk to her if you come to dinner!
LORELAI: No, I won't.
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: No. I am there to talk to Logan. To get to know him. I mean, other than the fact that he's blond, rich and straight, I'm out.
RORY: You're not going to come to dinner and ignore Grandma.
LORELAI: I will not be ignoring her. I just don't think I'll get to her.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Well, I've heard through the grapevine that Logan is so chatty that once you get him started there's no shutting him up.
RORY: Mom, forget it. If you want to go, then you are going to have to call Grandma and tell her that you're going!
LORELAI: But –
RORY: Now, I have to get up in two hours! So, if you don't mind, b*at it!
LORELAI: But –
RORY: Hey! Sleeping!
[Rory shoos Lorelai out of her room. Lorelai turns on the light as she leaves.]
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI [flips it back off]: Sorry!
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE
[Rory gets off the elevator. She looks lost.]
RECEPTIONIST: Can I help you?
RORY: I was just trying to figure out if I'm in the right place.
RECEPTIONIST: Were you hoping to be in some sort of newspaper office?
RORY: Yes, I was. I'm Rory Gilmore, I'm an intern. Mitchum, uh, Mr. Huntzberger, hired me. For nothing, of course, because an intern makes nothing and they're happy to do it. I'm new.
RECEPTIONIST: Here's a temporary I.D. Sometime today, stop by and see Al Carson. He'll take a picture and give you a permanent one.
RORY: I've never had a picture I.D. before! I'll take very good care of it. Is there a fine if you lose it?
RECEPTIONIST: No fine.
RORY: Well, I still won't lose it. I promise.
RECEPTIONIST: Okay, you need to go see Harry, he deals with interns. [She presses a button on her switchboard.] Good morning, Eagle Gazette. Please hold. [She presses a button again.] Good morning, Eagle Gazette.
RORY: Uh, where do I find Harry?
RECEPTIONIST [waves her hand toward some cubicles]: I'm sorry, Mr. Wallace won't be in until this afternoon. Uh-huh.
[Rory wanders toward the cubicles, still looking very lost.]
RORY: Harry? [She waits and then, a little louder] Harry!
[A man stands up.]
HARRY: Who called Harry?
RORY [waving]: I did! I called Harry! Hi! I'm Rory Gilmore. Um, I'm an intern, I have I.D., and –
HARRY: Okay. This is basically the newsroom. Reporters, support staff over there, the composing room where we do paste-up. It's called paste-up because it used to be done with –
RORY: Scissors and paste!
HARRY: Right, but now we do it on a Mac. In that cabinet are all our back-issues. '95 to present are on CD-ROM, earlier on microfiche. If you use the microreader, make sure you turn it off, because the bulb is too hot and melts the stuff.
RORY [digging in her pockets]: Boy, I sure wish I had a pencil.
HARRY: This is Tom Firth's desk. He writes Firth Things First on the op-ed. That's Ed Rose, circulation, advertising. In case of f*re, stairs are that way. This is the kitchen. Coffee, stale donuts. If you finish a pot, you make a new one.
MAN [calls from OS]: Harry!
HARRY: Be right back.
[Rory is impressed by the coffee room. She pours herself a cup, takes out her camera phone and poses by the water cooler to take a photo of herself. She hears a commotion outside the door.]
WOMAN: Is he here yet?
MAN: Huntzberger's here.
[The staff huddle around nervously.]
HARRY: Huntzberger's here.
RORY: Where?
HARRY: He's one of those guys there.
RORY: Yeah, in the middle. Striped tie.
HARRY: You know Huntzberger?
RORY: Yes.
HARRY: Really? What's he like?
RORY: Um, Episcopalian. Second of four children, oldest boy. And um, hates peas.
[A man, assumed to be the previous manager of the newspaper, is giving Mitchum a tour.]
MANAGER: This is Stan Mercer, circulation. Les Cavanaugh, city b*at. Stephanie Fitz-Simmons, photo editor. And this is Patel [pause] Kandrasaskar. He's our resident computer whiz.
MITCHUM: Okay. Lot of people, lot of names, and I promise I'll learn some of them. [The staff laughs politely.] We'll talk more about this at the general meeting, but I want you people to understand that the Huntzberger Publishing Group isn't going to change what you do. We're going to help you do what you do better. All right, I want to get all the department heads gathered in the conference room in ten minutes. Someone make some coffee. Rory?
RORY: Yes sir?
MITCHUM: You ready to shadow me?
RORY: Yes, sir!
MITCHUM: Let's go.
[They start walking down the hall. Rory stops to set down her coffee, turns around and they are gone. She turns to Harry.]
RORY: Did you see where they went?
[Harry shrugs. Rory looks upset and takes off down one of the halls.]
DRAGONFLY INN – FRONT DESK
[Lorelai is glaring at the phone. She finally picks it up and dials a number. After one ring, Emily picks up.]
EMILY: Hello?
[Lorelai opens her mouth, but no sound comes out.]
EMILY: Hello? Who are you looking for? Did you dial the wrong number? You know, it's very rude to dial someone and then just sit there on the phone without so much as a grunt or a moan.
[Lorelai opens her mouth to speak again.]
EMILY: I mean, as far as perverted phone calls go, this is a very poor one.
LORELAI [sighs]: Mom, hello.
EMILY: Lorelai? Is Rory okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, Rory's fine.
EMILY: Did somebody die? Who died?
LORELAI: Nobody died, Mom. Everyone we know is fine.
EMILY: Then why are you calling?
LORELAI: Well, I was wondering –
EMILY: Yes.
LORELAI: I just wanted to give you a heads up that I was thinking I might come to Friday night dinner. [Pause.] Mom, hello?
EMILY: When?
LORELAI: Um, Friday night?
EMILY: This Friday night?
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY: The night that Logan Huntzberger is coming to dinner.
LORELAI: I guess. Sure.
EMILY: Well, that's quite a coincidence, isn't it? That Logan's coming to dinner the night that you're suddenly free.
LORELAI: Well, I guess so.
EMILY: Do you really think that it's going to work this way?
LORELAI: What way?
EMILY: That you just check the itinerary and pick which Friday night dinners you'll deign to come to, and which ones you won't?
LORELAI: I am not picking. It just happened that this Friday I –
EMILY: Did you wait ‘till we have a guest like the Pope for dinner and then say, oh, yes, well, now it's worth my while to have dinner with my family, I get to meet the Pope.
LORELAI: You're Protestant, Mom.
EMILY: You do not get to cherry-pick which Friday night dinners you attend. It does not work that way. It's never worked that way.
LORELAI: I wasn't cherry-picking.
EMILY: If you come to this dinner, you come to them all. That's the deal.
LORELAI: Well, I'm really not sure that I'm free every Friday night from now through eternity.
EMILY: If you come to this dinner then you come to them all. That's the deal.
LORELAI: As I said before, I'm just not sure about my schedule –
EMILY: Well, I'll tell you what. You go check that schedule of yours. If you show up on Friday night, the night that Logan Huntzberger happens to be here, then I'll assume that you've discovered that your Fridays, at least for the foreseeable future, are free. Good-bye.
[She hangs up the phone.]
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE
[Mitchum and his colleagues are walking through the building, talking business. Rory is struggling to keep up.]
MITCHUM: I'm saying it's these little costs that's having you drop your hard correspondents. How much are you paying for syndicated features? You run Dear Abby, and Ann Landers, and Ask Vicky. How many different ways do the people in this community need to hear ‘honey, he ain't going to change, dump his ass.'?
[Rory, several paces behind the group, takes off her heeled shoes and jogs a little bit to catch up.]
MANAGER: I'd like to get that physical plant tour in before five.
MITCHUM: Well, if we're in a holding pattern, why don't you start getting into those circulation issues?
[The other men leave Mitchum alone with Rory. He is reading a file.]
RORY: Wow. The ability to run a four minute mile would come in pretty handy right about now, huh?
MITCHUM: Sorry?
RORY: A four minute mile?
MITCHUM [looks up, confused]: I don't follow.
RORY: At Yale. Uh, track and field. You ran a four minute mile.
MITCHUM: Oh. Right.
RORY: That's fast. Four minute mile, whoosh!
MANAGER [emerging from the conference room]: Dan's going to need another ten. Why don't I take you into Ron Stone's, we'll talk some advertising.
MITCHUM: Let's do it.
[They walk into a nearby office. Rory sighs and starts to follow. The door is shut in her face. She is unsure of whether to open the door or not. Harry walks by.]
HARRY: If you're looking for Huntzberger, he went in there.
[He points at the door.]
RORY [sarcastic]: Oh, thanks.
[She hesitates on opening the door again, but decides not to. She walks into a nearby cubicle and picks up the phone. Scene cuts to Logan, working on his laptop.]
LOGAN: Hello?
RORY: Help, help, help!
LOGAN: What's the matter, Ace?
RORY: Nothing! I've just won the Spaz of the Year award. I believe it'll be on the front page of the Gazette tomorrow.
LOGAN: Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad.
RORY: I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know where anybody is. I can't walk in these shoes. I got a run in my pantyhose. I ran into a file cabinet.
LOGAN: Slow down!
RORY: I didn't even know if I was supposed to go to lunch when everybody went to lunch, so I just stood in the break room for, like, forty-five minutes! And then I ate an Altoid.
LOGAN: It's the first day. It'll get better.
RORY: Your father must think I'm an idiot.
LOGAN: I'm sure he doesn't.
RORY: I need some help. I need something to say to him other than, ‘yes, the bleeding stopped, thanks'.
LOGAN: Hey, I think that's pretty good.
RORY: Logan, please. Give me something. Something I can use to connect with him.
LOGAN: I don't know!
RORY: You do know. This is important to me, Logan. Please?
LOGAN [sighs]: He likes jazz, but not when it gets too experimental, and he hates when they quote My Favorite Things.
RORY: What?
LOGAN: My Favorite Things, from the Sound of Music.
RORY [writing on a notepad]: Okay. Good. Go on.
LOGAN: Uh, he lets people go at seven, but he keeps going ‘till eight thirty or nine, and he notices the people who stay. He hates double talk, but he's really good at it. And, uh, he has high blood pressure so he switches to decaf after four.
RORY: That's good. That's almost something.
LOGAN: Don't worry, Ace, I'm sure you're doing fine.
RORY: I just don't want your father to be disappointed in me.
LOGAN: Rory, in order for my dad to be truly disappointed in you, your name would have to be Logan.
RORY: I'm sure that's not true.
LOGAN: Uh-huh.
RORY: Thanks, Logan.
LOGAN: Go get ‘em, Ace.
[She hangs up and adds to her notes.]
LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke serves Lorelai a plate of food.]
LORELAI: Oh my God, this smells good. What is this?
LUKE: It's nothing. Just some soft-shelled crab amandine on a bed of wild rice.
LORELAI: Okay. There is no sentence in the English language that begins with ‘it's nothing' and contains the word amandine. Happy. [Her cell phone rings.] Oh, my God, your girlfriend is so important. [She answers it.] Hello?
RICHARD: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hey, Dad.
RICHARD: Something very remarkable happened today. I got a call from someone wanting to know if I was Lorelai Gilmore's father.
LORELAI: Really?
RICHARD: Outside the context of trouble at school, that's the first time anyone's ever asked me that.
LORELAI: And why did someone ask you that?
RICHARD: Well, one of our clients is the Durham Group. Do you know them?
LORELAI: They, um, own hotels?
RICHARD: They own boutique inns. The CEO, Mike Armstrong, is good friends with Twee Silverman, who is the publisher of American Travel. It seems there's quite an article coming out about you and Sookie and your success at the Dragonfly. According to Twee, it's the cover story of the May issue.
LORELAI [troubled, to Luke]: The article's coming out! Uh, Dad, did your guy happen to talk about what's in the article?
RICHARD: I don't think he read it. Twee clued him in because she knows he's always looking for up-and-comers. Apparently, you are an up-and-comer.
LORELAI [to Luke]: I'm an up-and-comer!
RICHARD: Long story short, Lorelai, Mike Armstrong would like to take a meeting with you.
LORELAI: Why?
RICHARD: Well, he's in the inn business. I assume he wants to offer you some sort of job.
LORELAI: Dad, I have a job. Apparently you can read all about it in May.
RICHARD: He asked if you traveled much.
LORELAI: He wants to know where I go on vacation?
RICHARD: Well, he was referring to business travel. Perhaps the position involves travel. Do you travel? I wasn't really sure.
LORELAI: Well, the liquor store is a little further out than I'd like, but –
RICHARD: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Yeah, Dad. I travel. Sometimes.
RICHARD: Well, good! I'll have my secretary fax the contact information to your home fax tonight and you can call him in the morning.
LORELAI: Dad, I don't have a home fax.
RICHARD: I don't see how you can do business on this level and not have a home fax.
LORELAI: Yeah, we're all confounded by that, yes.
RICHARD: Call my office in the morning. I'm quite proud of you, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Thanks, Dad.
[She flips her phone shut.]
LORELAI: They're running the article!
LUKE: Good, I'm glad that they're running the article. I never liked that you pulled it.
LORELAI: Yes, well, if you recall, I pulled it only after I suggested my mother might have been personally responsible for global warming!
LUKE: Are you seriously worried that things might get worse between you and your mother?
LORELAI: Good point.
LUKE: So what's all this stuff about you traveling?
LORELAI: Oh, some guy my dad knows wants to offer me a job and apparently there's travel involved.
LUKE: You have a job.
LORELAI: I know, but companies like this would probably want to buy the inn and, I don't know, keep me on to manage it, or send me out as a consultant.
LUKE: Buy the inn, you just opened the inn!
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: You don't want to sell the inn!
LORELAI: I know!
LUKE: I mean, who are these people, coming in from out of the blue with this stuff?
LORELAI: I don't know. It's just some guy who called my dad and wants to meet me.
LUKE: Well, this is crazy. You don't want to meet with this guy.
LORELAI: Luke, I'm not interested, so it doesn't matter. I have no intention of meeting with this guy. I'm happy with what I've got.
LUKE: Good.
[There is silence for a moment. Luke appears to be thinking.]
LUKE: You know what? You should meet with this guy.
LORELAI: My daughter, my sister, my daughter, my sister, my daughter –
LUKE: I'm serious. Even if you're not interested, I mean, it's good people are talking about you and your business. I mean, just take the meeting. It's – it's contacts. It's networking. Right? That's the right word, networking?
LORELAI: I think.
LUKE: Well, then you should network.
LORELAI: All right. Well, I'll think about it.
LUKE: Good, good.
LORELAI [pointing at the food]: Good.
[Luke smiles.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE
[The maid, Beatrice, is setting the table. Emily enters.]
EMILY: Beatrice.
BEATRICE: Yes, ma'am.
EMILY: Do you know what these are?
BEATRICE: Lilies.
EMILY: Fragrant lilies. Would you like to eat dinner with fragrant lilies in the room?
BEATRICE: Yes.
EMILY: Well, then you're insane! I don't know how you think my guests are supposed to enjoy their dinner with this floral reek wafting up their noses! Move them to the living room and bring the peonies in here.
BEATRICE: Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am.
[She carries the flowers away. Richard enters.]
RICHARD: Everything looks lovely.
EMILY: Does it?
RICHARD: Yes, and so do you. What's on the dinner menu tonight?
EMILY [straightening his bow tie]: Roast beef. Oh, I hope Logan's not some kind of vegetarian.
RICHARD: Well, his grandfather owned ten thousand head of cattle. I sincerely doubt it. You know, I've just been thinking. The Huntzbergers will all be transferring down to Martha's Vineyard soon.
EMILY: Mid-June, every year. I'm sure Logan's there for some of that.
RICHARD: They have six acres there. It's quite a spread.
EMILY: They've held their share of functions down there, too. Graduations, parties, weddings.
RICHARD: Maybe it's time for us, Emily.
EMILY: Time for what?
RICHARD: Time to acquire an acreage. A compound for the extended family.
EMILY: A place on Cape Cod!
RICHARD: Our own Kennebunkport. Get it all ready for the next generation.
EMILY: The Cape's as good as the Vineyard for a wedding.
RICHARD: Or some would say better.
EMILY: Sandier beaches, too. Children love sandy beaches. Just love running and playing on them.
[The doorbell rings.]
RICHARD: Oh, damn. I forgot to fill the ice bucket.
EMILY: Go get, it. I'll get the door.
[They turn to go. Emily turns back.]
EMILY: Richard! Picture his blond hair and her blue eyes on a little baby!
RICHARD: Incomparable!
[Emily answers the door. It is Lorelai. Emily is visibly disappointed.]
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
EMILY: Oh. Come in.
LORELAI: Thanks.
[She takes off her coat.]
EMILY [walking away, she calls out]: Beatrice, take my daughter's coat!
[Beatrice does.]
LORELAI [awkwardly]: Thank you.
[She follows Emily into the dining room.]
EMILY: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: I don't know, I just followed you.
EMILY: Richard, come out here and sit with Lorelai.
RICHARD [OS]: Coming!
LORELAI: Mom, it's okay. I can sit by myself.
RICHARD [enters with the ice bucket]: You need me to sit with Lorelai?
LORELAI: I'm fine. I swear. I have been sitting without any help since I was two and a half.
RICHARD: No, that's all right. I don't mind. Come along.
[They enter the living room.]
RICHARD: Please, sit. Sit.
LORELAI: There's a lot of pressure to do it right now.
RICHARD: So, did you ring Mike Armstrong?
LORELAI: I did. We have a meeting set up for tomorrow.
RICHARD: Oh, good. Good, I'm glad. Mike is very big in that business. I think you'll find him a valuable –
EMILY [OS]: Richard! I need help in here!
RICHARD: I'm sitting with Lorelai, Emily!
LORELAI: Dad, really. It's okay. I promise not to stick my finger in any sockets.
RICHARD: Well, all right. [To Emily] Here I come. What sort of help do you need, my dear?
[Lorelai sighs, alone in the living room.]
ELDER GILMORE HOUSE – OUTSIDE
[Logan and Rory get out of his car. Logan rushes around to open her car door, but she beats him to it.]
RORY: You know, you're not obligated to be polite until we're actually inside my grandparents' house.
LOGAN: Good. Allow me to use these brief moments of time to make disgusting noises with my armpits.
RORY: Oh, would you? So, this is going to be quick and painless. Believe me, my grandparents like you better than they liked Ronald Reagan.
LOGAN: Wow. High praise.
[He takes two gift wrapped boxes out of the back seat.]
RORY: What are those?
LOGAN: Hostess gifts. Never a bad idea to bring hostess gifts.
RORY: Well played, Huntzberger!
LOGAN: So what about your mom? She going to be cool?
RORY: Of course she'll be cool. She's the essence of cool. Cool's her street name. She's got it monogrammed on her towels and everything.
LOGAN: Well, if she's got it monogrammed on her towels, there's nothing to worry about.
[Rory rings the doorbell.]
RORY: What'd you bring, anyway?
LOGAN: Cigars for Richard, chocolates for Emily, and Mrs. Eleanor Shubick's silver lighter.
RORY: Huh? What's that for?
[Emily and Richard answer the door.]
EMILY: Rory! Logan, welcome!
RICHARD: Come in, come in!
RORY: Hi, Grandma!
EMILY: Hello! And our guest of honor.
RICHARD: L'invité d'honneur.
LOGAN: How are you, Richard? Emily?
EMILY: Wonderful, now.
RICHARD: Yes, wonderful.
EMILY: Oh, look at you two, you're just perfect. Aren't they perfect, Richard?
RICHARD: Perfect.
RORY: We're not perfect.
EMILY: Nonsense, you're perfect!
LOGAN: No, she's right. I've got split ends like you wouldn't believe.
[Emily and Richard laugh.]
RICHARD: And a sense of humor.
LOGAN: Emily, these are for you. A small token of my gratitude.
EMILY: Vunderschen chocolates, I absolutely adore these!
LOGAN: I picked them up last time I was in Switzerland.
EMILY: Well, aren't you clever.
LOGAN: And here's a little something for you, sir.
RICHARD: Oh, Romeo y Julietas. You are a good man, Logan Huntzberger!
EMILY: Come on, let's all go in the living room, shall we?
[Emily takes Logan's arm, and Richard takes Rory's. They enter the living room.]
EMILY: I just adore this jacket you're wearing. Isn't this a fine jacket, Richard?
RICHARD: Oh, I like how the lapels are cut. Aren't those nice lapels, Rory?
RORY: Uh, sure, Grandpa. His lapels look great.
RICHARD: Most modern tailors cut lapels too low. It's so sloppy, having one's lapels hang down around the chest like a basset hound's ears or something.
EMILY: But those are excellent.
RICHARD: Oh, they really are.
RORY [notices Lorelai]: Hi, Mom.
LORELAI: Hey, how am I sitting?
RORY: Great. Mom, you remember –
EMILY: Logan, this is Rory's mother, Lorelai. Lorelai, this is Logan Huntzberger.
LORELAI: Yes, we've met, actually. Nice to see you again, Logan.
LOGAN: Nice to see you.
EMILY: Come on, sit, sit, sit. Let's get drink orders.
RICHARD: Mm.
EMILY: Logan, what will you have?
LOGAN: McKellen neat, if you have it.
EMILY: Oh, I adore a man who drinks his scotch neat.
RICHARD: That is a fine drink indeed.
EMILY: Rory?
RORY: Just club soda.
EMILY: So demure. Isn't she demure?
LOGAN: The demurest.
RICHARD: One club soda.
EMILY: And your usual, Lorelai? A sidecar?
LORELAI: Sidecar? No.
EMILY: Isn't that your drink?
LORELAI: No, my drink is a martini. It's always been a martini.
EMILY: Really?
LORELAI: Yes. Pretty much every one of the other eight thousand times I've had a drink here it's been a martini.
EMILY: I would've sworn you were a sidecar girl.
LORELAI: Not even sure what's in a sidecar, Mom.
EMILY: Well, Richard, apparently Lorelai would like a martini.
RICHARD: Can do.
EMILY: I just can't get over those lapels.
RORY: Grandma and Grandpa are very taken with Logan's lapels.
LORELAI: They look fine to me.
EMILY: You'll have to excuse Lorelai, Logan. It takes a certain eye to be aware of this kind of thing.
RICHARD: One scotch neat, and a club soda.
LOGAN: Thank you.
RORY: Thanks, Grandpa.
RICHARD: And one martini. [He returns to the bar to make it.]
EMILY: That's with a twist, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Nope. An olive.
EMILY: In a vodka martini?
LORELAI: Not vodka, Mom. Gin. It's always been gin. Gin martini.
EMILY: Really?
LORELAI: Yes! Always!
EMILY: I don't remember that at all.
LORELAI: Uh, so. Logan. Where exactly do you live at Yale? Are you in Rory's building?
LOGAN: No, I'm at Berkeley.
LORELAI: Is that far from Rory?
LOGAN: No, I'd say it's about ninety Kropogs or so.
RICHARD: Kropogs! Did somebody say Kropogs?
EMILY [laughing]: Kropogs. Now that is clever.
[Everyone laughs.]
LORELAI: Uh, fill me in here. What's a Kropog?
LOGAN: Years ago, someone at Yale started measuring things based on the height of a kid named Kropog.
RICHARD [sitting down]: I can't believe that today's Elis are still using Kropogs. Now that is really something. Maxwell T. Kropog was his name, class of forty-four. Oh, Lorelai, I'm sorry. I forgot your drink. I made it and everything.
LORELAI: Well, you remembered now.
[Richard starts to get up.]
EMILY: No, Richard, stay, I'll get it.
RICHARD: I'm glad to hear that Kropog is still part of the Yale vernacular. Tradition is so important.
RORY: Why don't we talk about something other than Yale?
EMILY: Nonsense, there's nothing better to talk about than Yale. Because Yale men are the greatest. I dated a few Princeton men and a Harvard man back in my day, and they had nothing on Yale men.
RICHARD: They'd better not.
EMILY [handing Lorelai her drink]: Here you go, Lorelai.
[Lorelai takes the martini, looks at it, and looks back at Emily.]
LORELAI: Mom, there's an onion in here.
EMILY: Is that not what you wanted?
LORELAI: Olive. I said olive.
EMILY: Well, I heard onion.
LORELAI: Well, I said olive.
EMILY [glances at Logan and gets up]: Let me get you an olive.
LATER
[Lorelai sadly holds her empty martini glass.]
EMILY: And the racquets have changed too. Honestly, the people at the club must have thought I was there to play badminton when I showed up with my old wooden thing.
LOGAN: Oh, you have to get a new racquet, Emily. The materials available today make all the difference.
RICHARD: I told her the same thing.
LOGAN: I know this guy, he's one of the top manufacturers of ceramic racquets. Pete Sampras loves them. I could totally set you up.
EMILY: Did you hear that, Richard? Logan can set me up!
RICHARD: Well, how about that!
BEATRICE [entering]: Dinner is ready, Mrs. Gilmore.
RICHARD: Well, shall we?
EMILY: I'm just going to pop into the kitchen to check on a thing or two. Richard, will you come carve the roast?
RICHARD: Certainly.
LORELAI: Is there going to be alcohol with dinner, Mom?
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: You know, booze? ‘Cause I haven't been able to get even a Kropog of gin since that first drink.
RICHARD: A Kropog is a unit of distance, Lorelai. Not volume.
EMILY: And there'll be wine with the meal. There's always wine with the meal, Lorelai! Honestly! You're acting as if you've never been here.
[Emily and Richard walk out.]
LORELAI: Sorry. Just wasn't sure.
[Rory, Logan and Lorelai stare awkwardly at the table.]
LOGAN: Roast. Sounds good.
RORY: It does.
LORELAI: Yeah. Who doesn't like a good roast?
[They get up to go into the dining room. Lorelai goes ahead, but is still within earshot. Logan holds Rory back.]
RORY: What are you doing?
LOGAN: A little Life and Death Brigade business. Every time we're in a rich person's house we take a knick-knack. Then I leave the knick-knack I took from the last rich person's house. I've been doing this up and down the eastern seaboard for years.
[He picks up a small box from a table, replaces it with the lighter from his pocket, and takes the box. Lorelai sees this, and disapproves, but goes into the living room without saying anything.]
RORY: Logan, no.
LOGAN: Trust me. They never notice.
RORY [smiling]: You're crazy!
LOGAN: It's fun to be crazy.
[They join Lorelai in the dining room.]
RORY [referring to the chairs on the side of the table]: Grandma probably wants us here.
EMILY [entering]: All right, the salads will be out in just a moment. Everybody, sit.
[Emily walks around the table, then stops, staring at the living room.]
EMILY: Wait a minute.
RICHARD: What's wrong, Emily?
EMILY [walking into the living room]: Well, I don't know. Wait. My antique sewing box! It's missing!
RICHARD: Well, that can't be.
EMILY: It is! It's gone! Was it here during drinks?
RICHARD: Well, I can't say that I noticed.
[Beatrice approaches.]
EMILY: You, hovering there! What do you know about this?
BEATRICE: Ma'am?
EMILY: My antique sewing box. Did you move it somewhere?
BEATRICE: No.
EMILY: And yet it's not here. Do you have any explanation as to why it's not here, Beatrice?
LORELAI [from the table]: I'm sure it's just a mix-up, Mom.
EMILY: And – what's this? What's this lighter? Richard, is this from the pool house?
[Lorelai glares across the table at Logan.]
RICHARD: Well, I don't recognize it, but, well, you never know. One of the guys might have left it after a poker game.
EMILY: Well, Beatrice. I don't know what to say. I almost feel like I should go through the whole house and make sure nothing else has been misplaced.
LORELAI: Mom, I found it.
EMILY [not hearing her]: However, we have company and I don't want to be rude.
[Lorelai holds out her hand to Logan. He hesitates, and then gives her the box.]
EMILY: Let's just leave it for later and then you and I will have a very serious discussion.
LORELAI: Mom, I found it!
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Yeah, here it is.
EMILY: Really? Where was it?
LORELAI: Behind the centerpiece. I guess the flowers kind of hid it.
EMILY: Behind the centerpiece?
[Beatrice sees the box, and smiles.]
EMILY: What on earth are you smiling about?
BEATRICE: I'm just glad you found it.
EMILY: Would you please go into the kitchen and bring out the salad course? [Beatrice leaves. Emily sits down.] Rory, Logan, I'm so sorry.
RICHARD: Well, never a dull moment, as we say.
EMILY: Ah, here we are. Avocado salad with beet dressing.
[Beatrice serves the salad.]
RICHARD: Oh, wonderful. I'm starving.
[Lorelai, Logan and Rory exchange looks. Rory looks ashamed, Lorelai looks angry and Logan looks defiant.]
LATER
[Dessert and coffee time.]
LOGAN: Believe me, Rory's the real star at the Yale Daily News. People hate her.
EMILY: They hate you?
RORY: I'm not hated. Am I hated?
LOGAN: She's had more pieces printed above the fold this year than anyone.
RICHARD: Well, you are both enormously talented. Because if you have one tenth of your father's ability, young man, you are going to go straight to the top.
EMILY: A power couple. That's what you are.
RICHARD: We were thrilled to hear that Rory is going to be working with your father, Logan.
RORY: I'm not really working with him. Just near him, more like.
LOGAN: She's knocking them d*ad over there. Now if I can just get her to relax.
RORY: I relax.
EMILY: Speaking of relaxation, does your family still have their place on Martha's Vineyard?
LOGAN: I think they bought it from Martha. They're not giving that up. It's not going anywhere.
EMILY: It's lovely in the vineyard. A few years ago, Richard and I attended a wedding there. I thought there could be no more gorgeous a spot for a wedding.
LOGAN: It's beautiful.
EMILY: But then we went to one on Cape Cod and it was wonderful too. Either place would be good for a wedding, don't you think?
[Lorelai glares.]
LOGAN: Sure, I've been to weddings at the Cape myself.
EMILY: So you like Cape Cod?
LOGAN: Yes.
EMILY: We like Cape Cod.
RICHARD [nodding]: Mm.
LOGAN: Great.
EMILY: And I know Rory would like Cape Cod.
RORY: I like what I've seen in pictures.
EMILY: You two would look awfully cute in Cape Cod.
[Logan grins.]
LORELAI: Mom, did you get a job at the Cape Cod chamber of commerce?
EMILY: No. [To Logan] There are a lot of kids in your family, aren't there?
LOGAN: Yeah. The extended family's been pretty busy procreating lately.
RICHARD: They have, have they?
EMILY: Do you like kids?
LOGAN: Sure.
EMILY: Kids love Cape Cod.
LORELAI: I think internships are a Communist plot.
RICHARD: What?
LORELAI: Forcing someone to work without pay? It's a little Pinko, isn't it? I mean, where's Roy Cohn when you need him?
EMILY: Have you lost your mind?
LORELAI [shaking her head around]: No, no. It's still sloshing around up there.
EMILY: Would you like another apple, Rory?
RORY: Oh, no thanks. They were really good, though.
EMILY: How about you, Logan? Apple?
LOGAN: Thank you, but I don't think I could eat another thing, and unfortunately we should be going. I have an early day tomorrow.
EMILY: Oh, Logan, an early day. I'm so sorry we kept you.
LOGAN: I wish I could stay longer.
EMILY: An early day is an early day. Beatrice, get their coats.
[Everyone gets up.]
LOGAN: I had a wonderful time. Thank you so much.
RORY: Yes, thank you, Grandma and Grandpa. It was great.
EMILY: Of course. We had a wonderful time too.
RORY [hugs Lorelai]: Bye, Mom.
LORELAI: Bye, hon. Goodnight, Logan. [They shake hands.]
LOGAN: Nice to see you again.
LORELAI: Nice seeing you again, too. I hope we can all do this –
EMILY: Lorelai, don't keep them. Logan has an early day tomorrow.
LORELAI: Sorry.
[Emily and Richard walk Rory and Logan to the door. Lorelai stays in the dining room. She sits at the table and leans her head in her hands.]
EMILY [OS]: Now, I'm going to hold you to your promise about that tennis racquet.
LOGAN [OS]: Oh, absolutely. I'll call you this week, or maybe I'll just sh**t you an e-mail.
EMILY [OS]: sh**t me an e-mail. That is so clever.
RICHARD [OS]: That's good business sense, too. You have to utilize the latest technology or you'll fall behind.
[The door opens.]
EMILY [OS]: Now, would you look at that! What a cunning little car! I adore sports coupes.
RICHARD [OS]: Fine parking job, too.
[Lorelai rolls her eyes.]
RORY [OS]: Well, good bye, Grandma and Grandpa.
LOGAN [OS]: Thanks again.
EMILY [OS]: Good night, you two. Drive safe!
[They return to the dining room.]
EMILY: More coffee, Lorelai?
LORELAI: No. Thank you.
[Emily and Richard sit down. Lorelai looks at Emily.]
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: Um, nothing. Just on those National Geographic shows, people are so sweaty after a mating ritual. But you two are powder dry.
EMILY: What on earth are you talking about?
LORELAI: They're just kids, and they're still figuring things out, and they don't need you two dropping all these heavy-handed hints about weddings and babies and Cape Cod.
EMILY: You should be thrilled by this match, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Well, who says I'm not thrilled?
RICHARD: Well, you're not acting very thrilled.
LORELAI: I'm annoyed at you. That's why. Putting all this pressure on them? They are in their early twenties, for God's sake.
EMILY: You are letting your own personal tastes cloud your judgment of this boy. He is perfect for Rory, and you don't see it!
LORELAI: This is not about my personal taste!
EMILY: You're uncomfortable around people like Logan. He's not your type. That's well documented.
LORELAI: Oh, that was a nice not-so-subtle dig at Luke.
EMILY: Luke?
RICHARD: Who said anything about Luke?
EMILY: You're very sensitive tonight.
LORELAI: I'm not sensitive. It's just you're busy marrying Rory off into a family that wasn't even nice to her!
RICHARD: Who wasn't nice to her?
LORELAI: The Huntzbergers. She went over there for dinner and they treated her like trash.
RICHARD: I highly doubt that.
LORELAI: Well, they did!
RICHARD: If the Huntzbergers were so horrible to Rory, why on earth did Mitchum give her a very valuable internship?
LORELAI: He was buying her off.
RICHARD: So, the internship was like hush money?
LORELAI: Yes!
RICHARD: There's no money! It's an unpaid position!
LORELAI: It's a figure of speech.
RICHARD: Rory got this internship by making a contact. In a way, similar to me setting you up with Mike Armstrong. Is there something wrong with that?
LORELAI: No.
RICHARD: I concur.
LORELAI: There is still something wrong with this internship.
EMILY: My God, you're paranoid.
LORELAI: I am not paranoid! And Logan did not have an early day!
EMILY: What?
LORELAI: What twenty-two year old has an early day on a Saturday?
EMILY: Why are you so hell-bent on derailing this match?
RICHARD: They're perfect for each other!
LORELAI: Okay, that word, perfect, he is not. I mean, no one is, okay, but especially him! I mean, at your wedding, I caught him and Rory in the back room [she hesitates] uh, kissing.
[Emily and Richard do not look concerned.]
LORELAI [with emphasis]: Kissing.
RICHARD: You have something against kissing?
EMILY: I never thought of you as a prude.
RICHARD: Paranoid, not a prude.
LORELAI: He stole your sewing box.
EMILY: The sewing box is sitting on the table in the living room, Lorelai.
LORELAI: No, no. He's just a –
RICHARD: Are we done here?
LORELAI: No!
RICHARD: Good. I have a call to make. You might want that cup of coffee. Clear your head a bit before you drive home. [He leaves the table.]
EMILY: Or maybe you've just had one too many sidecars. [She leaves.]
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE
[Rory waits by the elevator. It opens. Rory walks confidently along with Mitchum and the manager
MANAGER: So it's not necessarily a diminishment of personnel.
MITCHUM: No, that's the advantage of using crewed reporting through the whole syndicate. By sharing the resources, you're going to have more options. With more options, you're going to be less reliant on the wire services. People will only read so many flatly written wire stories before they catch on and start reading something else, or worse, turn on the T.V.
RORY [holds out a cup]: Coffee?
MITCHUM [glances at his watch]: Uh –
RORY: It's decaf.
MITCHUM: Oh. Well, thank you. [He takes a sip.] It's good. All right, let's take a look at that editorial budget.
[The group walks into a meeting room. Rory stands outside.]
MITCHUM [OS]: What are you waiting for, Gilmore, an engraved invitation?
[Rory smiles and enters the meeting.]
SOOKIE'S HOUSE
[Lorelai and Sookie are sampling Manny's cooking. They each take a bite.]
SOOKIE: Good!
LORELAI: Very good!
SOOKIE: I'd say it's a nine.
LORELAI: Nine plus.
SOOKIE: What would make it a ten?
LORELAI: Another half a point.
SOOKIE [giggles]: Lemon juice and a handful of parsley.
LORELAI: Yes. A tart fresh taste.
SOOKIE [calls into the kitchen]: Manny, try a little lemon juice and parsley!
MANNY: Okay!
LORELAI: How long are you going to have him working here?
SOOKIE: Well, with that fancy pants article coming out about us, I want to make sure that the food stays top-notch.
LORELAI: You know, Mike Armstrong called again.
SOOKIE: Really? That's the second time since the meeting, isn't it?
LORELAI: Yeah. He's, like, open to any option. Buying the inn, or just investing in the inn –
SOOKIE: We'd have money again. Remember what it was like to have money?
LORELAI: He'd be keeping us on to run it. We could consult. We could travelaround the world telling other people how to run their inns –
SOOKIE: We could be bossy. Oh, we could travel and be bossy!
LORELAI: He mentioned the south of France. Apparently they're making a huge investment there and they have a need for people like us.
SOOKIE: I can picture us in the south of France, oh, topless!
LORELAI: At work?
SOOKIE: No. We're on the beach.
LORELAI: Much more appropriate.
SOOKIE: And the casinos, oh, and the cheese!
LORELAI: You know, my dad traveled all over the world for work, which drove my mom crazy, which was a little perk. But he would always say things like ‘I'll be back from Düsseldorf on Friday'. And when I was a kid, I always wanted to say ‘I'll be back from Düsseldorf on Friday'!
SOOKIE: Oh, that would be great. To get into all those famous kitchens I've always read about.
LORELAI: We'd have expense accounts and travel luggage. It'd be exciting, huh?
SOOKIE: Yeah, it would!
[They smile at each other.]
SOOKIE: But, I can't do that. I have Davey and little No-name here, and Jackson. Jackson wouldn't want to go topless in France.
LORELAI: Yeah.
SOOKIE: My life is here.
LORELAI: Yeah, sure.
SOOKIE: But you could go.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: Your kid's in college. You're young. You love to travel. You look amazing topless. [She giggles.] You could go. I mean, what's stopping you?
LORELAI: Well –
SOOKIE: Oh! Snap peas! Snap peas would be good in this! [She squeals.] Manny, snap peas!
MANNY [OS]: Snap peas.
SOOKIE: Snap peas. Yeah.
[Lorelai smiles.]
__________________END______________________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x20 - How Many Kropogs to Cape Cod"} | foreverdreaming |
ELDER GILMORE'S DINING ROOM
[Lorelai, Rory and Emily are eating chocolate fondue.]
EMILY: This feels so decadent. Isn't this decadent?
RORY: Very decadent.
LORELAI: Are there more marshmallows?
EMILY: All you two have been dipping is the marshmallows! You haven't touched the kiwi, or the pineapple, or the tangelo slices.
RORY: But it's fruit.
EMILY: Fruit is good for you.
RORY: We're fondue purists, Grandma.
LORELAI: Yeah, we dip old school.
EMILY: The government says you should have nine servings of fruit and vegetables per day.
LORELAI: Imperialist propaganda.
RORY: I think Noam Chomsky would agree.
LORELAI: I bet Noam doesn't dip fruit.
RORY: Or laugh. Ever seen that punim on him?
LORELAI: Easter Island.
EMILY: Luminista, please bring more marshmallows.
LORELAI: Bless you.
EMILY: So, I'd love to get your opinion on something.
RORY: Sure.
EMILY: The City Ballet is in trouble. We've given so much over the years, but it's never enough to cover everything they need.
RORY: I hate that.
EMILY: So, we're trying something new. Select patrons, such as myself, are sponsoring individual dancers. Help me pick one.
[Emily opens up a blue folder next to her and hands Rory and Lorelai cards out of it.]
LORELAI: Pick what?
EMILY: My dancer! I get to take one home. Bios are on the back.
LORELAI: And this is legal?
EMILY: Of course it's legal.
RORY [shrugs]: Do you want a boy or a girl, Grandma?
EMILY: I'm thinking a little girl. Cute and petite.
RORY: They're all petite.
LORELAI: But not all cute. This one should fouetter over to the dermatologist.
EMILY: Oh, yes, I'd rather not look at that.
LORELAI: Really, Mom, this is a little bit creepy.
EMILY: It's not creepy! We're endowing dancers so that they don't have to worry about money. It's nice.
LORELAI: Well, Gregorio here looks pretty well-endowed already. [She passes his card to Rory.]
RORY: Here's a little cutie patootie. [She passes the card to Emily.]
EMILY: Oh, she's darling! Look at those little feet!
RORY [to Lorelai]: Whoa, you were right! This Gregorio guy, what's up with that?
EMILY: Rory!
LORELAI: Just a little girl talk, Mom. Who are we offending?
EMILY: Let's make two piles. One for the maybes, one for the nos.
LORELAI: Sandpaper face is a no?
EMILY: Definitely.
RORY: What about Endowment Boy?
EMILY [pause]: The maybes.
RORY: You go, Grandma.
LORELAI: I bet Gregorio would be good dipped in chocolate.
[Rory laughs. Emily looks on, disapprovingly.]
LORELAI: Sorry.
OPENING CREDITS
ELDER GILMORE'S MANSION – DRIVEWAY
[Rory and Lorelai are transferring boxes from Rory's trunk to the back of Lorelai's Jeep.]
LORELAI: I don't know. Adopting a ballet dancer? The whole thing sounds very shady.
RORY: It's good to support the arts any way we can, even the shady-sounding ways. Hey, you took my book bag! I need that!
LORELAI: Oops, sorry. [She pulls the book bag out of her Jeep.] So you really think that transferring your stuff bit by bit like this is the way to go, huh? Easier than renting something, doing it all at once?
RORY: Oh, you really want to re-live the U-haul incident of May 2004?
LORELAI [indignant]: Ah! You make one iffy u-turn.
RORY: We were in a tunnel!
LORELAI: A wide tunnel.
RORY: Going the wrong way down a one-way street.
LORELAI: They don't let you forget.
RORY: Yeah, I've got that elephant's memory when it comes to nearly dying. Hey, you took my book bag again!
LORELAI: Ah!
RORY: So, hey. Let's finalize our plans for Thursday.
LORELAI: Right. So Jackson says that Sookie has been napping between eleven and twelve-thirty every day. We can count on it.
RORY: Must be nice to nap without feeling guilty.
LORELAI: Get pregnant and you'll have an excuse.
RORY: No thanks.
LORELAI: So, meet me at their house at noon. Bring decorations and she'll wake up to a nice, fun, surprise baby shower.
RORY: You got it.
LORELAI: I think it's cool we waited this long to throw it. She's totally not going to expect it.
RORY: Plus we forgot.
LORELAI: But only we know that.
RORY: And I'm not telling.
LORELAI: Good. Bye, hon.
[They kiss on the cheek. Rory closes her trunk.]
RORY: Mom, my purse!
LORELAI: Oh, sorry.
[She gestures hopelessly at the packed-full Jeep.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk is sitting at one of the tables.]
KIRK: Luke, can I have a word with you?
LUKE: Yes.
KIRK: You overcharged me for the toast. It's only supposed to be a dollar.
LUKE: I didn't overcharge you, Kirk. I raised the price of wheat toast. It's a dollar ten.
KIRK: You're kidding.
LUKE: I don't do toast humor.
KIRK: A dollar ten from a dollar? That's a ten percent bump.
LUKE: It's a dime, Kirk.
KIRK: I could refuse to pay.
LUKE: Then I'll steal your bike.
KIRK: That's never worked before.
LUKE: I haven't raised the price of my toast in seven years, Kirk. It's still a bargain.
KIRK: I'll give you a dollar four.
LUKE: No.
KIRK: A dollar five. That's my last offer.
LUKE: Do I look like E-bay?
KIRK: I take my toast dry. Isn't there a butter and jam discount?
LUKE: No.
KIRK: What about your chairs? I'm light, and I tend to plop my butt directly on the chair without sliding, so there's practically no wear and tear.
LUKE: There's no discount for direct butt-plopping.
KIRK: What about –
LUKE: Fine. A dollar five. It's a dollar five. You got it.
KIRK: Thanks. That's very nice of you.
[Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Hey!
[They kiss.]
LUKE: You raise something from a dollar to a dollar ten, is that such a big deal?
LORELAI: Well, that's ten percent, so percentage-wise it's not so tiny –
[Luke and Kirk gesture at each other.]
LORELAI: Did I step into something here?
LUKE: You know, I shouldn't have gotten into a business that involves dealing with people. [He points at Kirk above his head.]
LORELAI: Hey. [She holds up a magazine.]
LUKE: Hey! Your cover!
LORELAI: I got an advance copy!
LUKE: Oh, look at the inn! It looks beautiful.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: I've got to get a new pair of pants.
LORELAI: Okay. That didn't exactly follow.
LUKE: You know, for the party they're going to throw you.
LORELAI: You don't need new pants. You just need pants. And the party's in New York, so you may not even need pants.
LUKE: I've got to get a copy.
LORELAI [hands him a copy]: You've got a connection.
LUKE: I want to get a bunch, though. Frame one or two of them. How's the article? What's it say?
LORELAI: It was then, sadly, that I discovered Luke could not read.
LUKE: You know what I mean.
LORELAI: People are going to think I wrote it. I mean, it's big. I nearly cried when I read it.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: And the fact that when Emily Gilmore reads it, she's going to hire men to att*ck me with tire irons, well, that's something else altogether.
LUKE: What'd they put in?
LORELAI: Not every heinous thing I said about her, but enough. I mean, it's good stuff, it's funny. Maybe if I just told them not the face.
LUKE: Who?
LORELAI: The guys, with the tire irons.
LUKE: I think you should just show it to her and get it over with.
LORELAI: Mm, maybe. Yeah. You're probably right.
[The phone rings. Caesar picks it up.]
CAESAR: Hello. [Pause] Hold on. [He presses the phone to his chest.] Hey, Luke, it's for you. It's Taylor.
LORELAI: Caesar! You just broke Luke's standing ‘when Taylor calls I'm out even if he can see me through the stupid connecting window' rule.
[Taylor gestures excitedly through the window.]
CAESAR: I can tell him you're out, and that Duke, your evil identical twin is in town.
LUKE: No, no. I'll take it. I actually have to discuss something with him. [He takes the phone.] Hello.
TAYLOR: Luke! Hey, buddy!
LUKE: Hey. Buddy.
TAYLOR: So the powers that be have signed off on you purchasing the Twickham house! All that's left is dotting the i's and crossing the t's.
LUKE [calmly]: Okay. Fine.
TAYLOR: Ooh, sorry. Lorelai's there, can't talk now, right?
LUKE: Pretty much.
TAYLOR: You know I'm a bit of a romantic, Luke. The thought of you buying this house for your burgeoning family is quite touching. I almost tear up. Heh. Adds to the tax base, too.
LUKE: Well, good. Talk to you later.
TAYLOR: Goodbye!
[They hang up.]
LORELAI: Wow. You and Taylor seem to be getting on very well these days.
LUKE: Yeah, well. He's been cooperating with me on certain matters.
KIRK [at a table]: Luke! I think the sales tax is off by a penny! In fact, I'm sure of it. I'm ready to go to the mat on this one.
LUKE [to Lorelai]: Those guys with the tire irons. Where did your mother get them?
LORELAI: The D.A.R. And they don't work for outsiders.
LUKE [sighs]: Show me the penny, Kirk.
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE
[Rory gets off the elevator with her arms full of files. She smiles at some men that walk by, and begins hurrying around, busily.]
RORY: Hey, Al. Hey, Pete. Hey, Lance. [Hands a file to a woman.] This goes to metro, a.s.a.p.
WOMAN: Okay.
CHARLIE: Rory, if you see Patel, tell him I'm looking for him.
RORY: Got it.
[She delivers some files to an office full of reporters.]
RORY: Need ‘em back by five, gentlemen.
MAN: Thanks, beautiful.
RORY: Manners, boys.
HARRY: Rory, you got those obituaries?
RORY: Yeah, just give me five minutes.
HARRY: Lot of dying today.
RORY: I hear that.
[She hands off her last file to a man rushing down the hall.]
MAN: Thank you!
RORY: Oh, Patel. Charlie wants to see you.
PATEL: You remember Audrey?
RORY: I can.
PATEL: Give her this.
RORY: Okay, will do.
[Logan steps off the elevator.]
LOGAN: Hey, Ace!
RORY: Hey! You're early.
LOGAN: Well, there's a first for everything. Where's the f*re?
RORY: Oh, just south of the ninety-five. It's a four-alarm. We've got Kessler on it. [She delivers the file to Audrey.] This is from Patel.
AUDREY: I'm not talking to him.
RORY: I'll tell him. [To Logan] How did you know about the f*re?
LOGAN [laughing]: I didn't. I meant where are you going in such a hurry?
RORY: Oh. I'm at half-speed compared to this morning. [They arrive back at her workstation.] Oh, no.
LOGAN: What?
RORY: I'm gone for five minutes and this place becomes a dumping ground.
LOGAN: I'm loving the totally non-generic feel of your space, here.
RORY: I have customized it somewhat. [She points to a picture on the wall.]
LOGAN: Eccentric uncle?
RORY: Brian Eno.
LOGAN: I was close. So let's go.
RORY: It's four-thirty.
LOGAN: So cut out early. There's nothing going on here.
RORY: We're doing our rough front page. We're picking our leads, our photos. It's our busiest part of the day.
LOGAN: So the people of Stamford don't get their paper tomorrow, they'll turn on the radio.
RORY: I can't go.
LOGAN: I know the boss.
RORY: So do I.
LOGAN: But I know how to work the boss. At least a little. I know he's somewhere in the vicinity.
RORY: Who, your dad?
LOGAN: Can't you sense it? The flurry, the shuffle of sycophants –
MITCHUM: Hey! Someone new. Have we been introduced?
[They shake hands over the partition.]
LOGAN: Jose Canseco, post-steroids. Should be a warning to people.
MITCHUM: Are you keeping Rory from her work?
RORY: I was just about to call security.
MITCHUM: Does everyone know about the –
RORY: Noon on Friday, main conference room, come with your game.
MITCHUM: Good. [To Logan] You call your mother about the Vineyard?
LOGAN: She's on my list.
MITCHUM: Push him on that, won't you? [Rory nods.] I'm going to four if you want to catch up.
RORY: Okay.
MITCHUM: See you.
[Mitchum walks down the hall.]
LOGAN: Enjoy four. [To Rory] What's four?
RORY: Fourth floor.
LOGAN: You news people and your jargon.
RORY: We have our own language.
LOGAN: So he treating you all right?
RORY: Who, your dad? They've been great.
LOGAN: You sure?
RORY: Yeah?
LOGAN: Just checking. So what do you think about Friday.
RORY: An excellent alternative to Thursday.
LOGAN: My sister's engagement party?
RORY: Oh, right. I'm going to try. I'm dying to see the yacht.
LOGAN: Well, it's going to be full of Honor's ditzy friends, but the harbor's cool. Try and leave your grandparent's dinner early. They get you every Friday night, why not let me have one?
RORY: You're very one-note today.
LOGAN: Well, I miss you, Ace.
RORY: Well, I'll have more free time once finals are over and summer's here, unless I get that summer job here.
LOGAN: Well, you're probably a shoo-in. My father seems to like you.
RORY: Oh, I hope so! I love it here.
LOGAN: Okay. So, I'll just go hang somewhere till you're done?
RORY: I'll be done six-thirty, seven at the latest.
LOGAN [whining]: Ace!
RORY: Six forty-five.
[They kiss.]
LOGAN: So, maybe I'll be hanging on two, or five. Is that the right
terminology?
RORY: You're getting it!
[He leaves.]
NEW YORK STREET
[Luke and Lorelai are riding around in a limo.]
LORELAI: Come on! Please.
LUKE: I'm done.
LORELAI: No, you can't be done.
LUKE: I'm done!
LORELAI: There's more, I know it! It's germinating.
LUKE: I'm done, I'm at peace. There is no more. [Pause.] Just the smell of Manhattan!
LORELAI: I knew it. There was more.
LUKE: I mean, forget about the smells you can't identify. The ones you can identify are putrid! I mean, if it's not that rank smell of hot dog gushing out of those dirty sidewalk carts, it's the stench of the subway pouring out of the dirty grates! I mean, the manhole-cover steam? God knows what that steam is. You can't get a breath of fresh air!
LORELAI: Go, Luke! Rant, Luke!
LUKE: The whole city is a decaying heap. It's too many people crammed into too many buildings on too small a piece of land. It's an experiment that's failed. They should just give the whole island a push and float it over to Europe.
LORELAI: But after we see Spamalot! Right? I paid a lot for those tickets.
LUKE: I'm fine with an urban environment. But you need land around your space. Air to breathe. [He takes a deep breath.] I'm done again.
LORELAI: I love ranting Luke.
LUKE: Why does this song keep playing?
LORELAI: Because I put the CD player on repeat with my fancy remote in my fancy limo. Hey, do a limo rant. I bet that's a good one.
LUKE: No, that's right they sent you a limo. You deserve it.
LORELAI: And it enabled us to drink and not drive.
LUKE: That's good too.
LORELAI: Hey, I heard there was good food at this party.
LUKE: I heard that too.
LORELAI: Huh. Never made it to the food, did we?
LUKE: I had three peppermints I took from the bowl in the men's room, gave the attendant a five, ‘cause it's all I had.
LORELAI: Made it to the bar, though.
LUKE: Yeah. We should've eaten something before we went.
LORELAI: Who knew we'd keep missing the trays?
LUKE: But I'm not hungry. But I'm something, what am I?
LORELAI: You're drunk.
LUKE [laughs]: Right. I haven't been drunk in years.
LORELAI: Hey, have I thanked you enough for escorting me, and being such a good sport and shaking hands with all the big city folk you don't like, and putting extra cherries in my Manhattan?
LUKE: Yeah. You did.
LORELAI: There'll be more thanking. Later on tonight.
[They make out.]
LORELAI: Tastes like peppermint.
LUKE'S APARTMENT – NEXT MORNING
[Lorelai wakes up with Luke's arm over her. She gets up, wrapped in a sheet, and looks around. She finds her dress on the floor near the open door. She looks alarmed.]
SOOKIE'S HOUSE – OUTSIDE
[Lorelai walks around the front of Rory's car.]
LORELAI: Hi, you're late.
RORY [getting out of the car]: Sorry. Oh, it's only a little after noon. I'm not that late.
LORELAI: Well, we have very limited time during Sookie's nap, here. I just don't want to blow it. Hold on. [She notices the bags Rory is carrying.] You went to Doose's for baby shower decorations?
RORY: Well, I didn't know where else to go.
LORELAI: A decoration store.
RORY: Is there such a thing?
LORELAI: Yes. What did you get?
RORY: Um, poppers. Taylor had nine left.
LORELAI: Okay, well, there's ten of us, so someone doesn't get to pop.
RORY: Well, I'll pass on the pop. And there's plates, and cups, and –
LORELAI [grabbing the cups]: Chicks being hatched? That's Easter.
RORY: No, I know, but I figured hatching is birth, so we're right on topic there. Seventy percent off, too.
LORELAI: What else?
RORY: Uh, New Year's Eve balloons with Father Time and the New Year's baby on them. We'll blow them up and cheat the old man side to the wall so we can't see it, and then change the word ‘year' so it says ‘happy new baby'.
LORELAI: Oh, that's just sad.
RORY: Hey, what's with the attitude?
LORELAI: No attitude.
RORY: You've been Anne Sexton since I pulled up.
LORELAI: Sorry. Think I just slept a little funny. All right. Come on, let's get up in there while we still have the chance.
RORY: Okay.
[They begin to go into the house, but Sookie and Jackson burst through the door. Rory and Lorelai scream as they get pushed out of the way.]
JACKSON: Look out! Coming through!
SOOKIE: It's happening! It's happening!
LORELAI: Oh my God, it's happening?
RORY: You mean it's happening, happening?
SOOKIE: It's coming round the mountain.
RORY: Oh, I can't watch this!
JACKSON: Go get her suitcase! It's by the front door.
RORY: I'll grab her suitcase! [She runs into the house.]
SOOKIE: Oh, I'm freaking out Rory!
LORELAI: It's okay. She's a traditionalist. When she has a baby, she's going to be out in the waiting room, pacing and smoking.
RORY [returning with the suitcase]: We should have thrown her the baby shower earlier! Then I wouldn't have had to watch this.
SOOKIE [getting into the van]: Oh, you guys were going to throw me a baby shower?
LORELAI: We were going to set it up during your nap.
JACKSON: Want a boost?
SOOKIE: I can make it.
RORY [eyes closed tight]: Oh, God.
LORELAI: Watch it.
RORY: Sorry, I just really don't want to see what's coming round the mountain.
JACKSON [getting into the driver's seat]: See you guys at the hospital?
LORELAI: Yeah, you'll see me.
RORY: Yeah, I have to go back to Yale.
LORELAI: Plus she's thoroughly sickened by what's happening to you right now.
RORY: I'm not sickened, it's finals time. I'm stressed.
SOOKIE: Ooh! Contraction!
RORY: Oh, that's pretty sickening.
JACKSON: Hang on.
LORELAI: Sorry you didn't get your party.
SOOKIE: One little no-name to come.
JACKSON: We'll see you there.
LORELAI: See you there.
RORY: Mm-hm.
[Jackson and Sookie drive away. Lorelai looks at Rory, who still has her eyes squeezed shut.]
LORELAI: You are going to open your eyes when you drive back to Yale, right?
RORY: Yes. I'm just giving them a five minute head start. We're taking the same road.
LORELAI: Good thinking, honey. [She kisses her head.] Bye.
RORY: Bye.
[Lorelai leaves. Rory opens one eye and peeks down the street.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Luke serves coffee. Kirk is reading the paper and laughing.]
KIRK: I know he wants the bone. I know there's going to be a complication getting the bone, but Marmaduke still cracks me up every time.
[Luke fills Kirk's coffee cup.]
KIRK: Refills are still free, right?
LUKE: Yep. They're still free.
[The phone rings. Luke picks it up.]
LUKE: Luke's.
TAYLOR: Luke, it's Taylor.
LUKE: Oh, hey, Taylor, how's it going?
TAYLOR: Not so well. I mean, for you. It's going very well for me. I just had a group of German tourists come in and they've been shoveling it in since they sat down.
LUKE: What do you mean, it's not going well for me?
TAYLOR: It's the Twickham house. Someone has put in a competing offer.
LUKE: A competing – Taylor! You promised that house to me!
TAYLOR: And I did all that I could! But this other offer includes a substantial down payment in cash! The powers that be are seriously considering selling the house to this fellow townsman of yours!
LUKE: I'll up my offer.
TAYLOR: This guy'll just up his, then! He's got vast resources!
LUKE: How many resources can he have? He's living in Stars Hollow!
TAYLOR: Luke, he's willing to put down a quarter of a million dollars!
LUKE: What? That can't be right!
TAYLOR: That's what it is.
LUKE: I know everyone in this stinking town. What fellow townsman has a quarter of a million dollars in cash?
TAYLOR: I'm not sure I'm at liberty to say.
LUKE: Tell me, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Okay.
[Camera shows Luke's shocked expression.]
LUKE: Say that name again? [Pause. Blank stare.] I'll talk to you later.
[He walks over to Kirk's table.]
KIRK: Sally Forth is on f*re today. On f*re!
LUKE: Where did you get a quarter of a million dollars!
KIRK: What? I don't have a quarter of a million dollars.
LUKE: You don't?
KIRK: No. Just shy. It's $247, 868. Sixty-seven, if I get a couple of donuts to go. Those chocolate raised are calling my name.
LUKE: Where the hell did you get that much money?
KIRK: I've been working for eleven years, Luke. I've had fifteen thousand jobs. I've saved every dollar I've ever made. That and the miracle of compound interest has created a bounty of a quarter of a million dollars. Again, just under. I don't want to brag.
LUKE: You put a competing offer on the Twickham house.
KIRK: That's right. It's the perfect place for me and Lulu.
LUKE: You know I have an offer on that house.
KIRK [shrugs]: I've heard talk to that effect.
LUKE: Take it back. Take back the offer.
KIRK: No. You take yours back.
LUKE: I had a deal with Taylor before you even knew that house was available!
KIRK: You get it in writing?
LUKE: No! But –
KIRK: Mm. An oral agreement's only as good as the paper it's written on. Hey, that would be a good line for Dennis the Menace after he fails to mow Mr. Wilson's lawn. I should send that in.
LUKE: This is not going to go down this way. You are not getting that house.
KIRK: Au contraire, my friend. I happen to know that your credit's not exactly stellar.
LUKE: My credit?
KIRK: Granted, you've got some real estate holdings, but your cash flow's been flat for three years, and unless you're willing to sell off assets, you may be able to swing no more than a five percent down payment, which makes you a real estate risk.
LUKE: How do you know the state of my assets?
KIRK: That's the power of deep pockets, Luke. Put a solid buck in the right hands and they babble like parrots.
LUKE: Well, I am one of Stars Hollow Bank's oldest customers. I'm not anticipating any problems.
KIRK: Well, I'm Stars Hollow Bank's biggest customer. I think that means more.
LUKE: I don't believe this! You're swimming in cash and you fought me over a ten cent raise on toast!
KIRK: And you folded like a road map. That might explain the discrepancy in our net worths. So, I think I will have those donuts to go. You've got change for a hundred, right?
[Luke stares at him, then marches out, slamming the door.]
TAYLOR'S ICE CREAM SHOP
[Taylor is still serving the Germans.]
TAYLOR: Das ist gut, ya?
[Luke storms in.]
LUKE: I want to talk to the town elders!
TAYLOR: The town elders?
LUKE: You keep talking about the powers that be. That's the town elders, right?
TAYLOR: Yes.
LUKE: Well, they oversee the town assets, the real estate, I want to see them.
TAYLOR: They won't go for that, Luke.
LUKE: Why?
TAYLOR: It isn't how it's done! They don't deal with the public. They're the final arbiters. What they say goes.
LUKE: I'm seeing them.
TAYLOR: But –
LUKE: Arrange it.
[Luke glares, and then leaves.]
HOSPITAL – MATERNITY WARD
[Jackson is walking alongside Sookie, who is being pushed in a wheelchair by a nurse. Lorelai follows behind. They arrive at Sookie's room.]
JACKSON: Are you breathing, honey?
SOOKIE: I'm breathing. Hey, was that Andy Dick out in the hallway?
JACKSON: No, honey. This happened last time. You go into labor, you start thinking you see famous people.
SOOKIE: Right. Suddenly my midwife was Wolf Blitzer.
LORELAI: Hey, you need me to unpack you?
NURSE: You probably don't have to. We have everything she needs all set up. [She leaves the room.]
JACKSON: You know, we guys always pack a suitcase. Useless. So, have you been thinking about names? I'm leaning toward Ethan for a boy. Or Glenda if it's a girl. Although I like Martha, too. And Rupert for a boy.
SOOKIE: They're all good, sweetie.
JACKSON: Hey, whatever we don't use, we just save for the next one, right?
SOOKIE: Right, right. The next one.
JACKSON [to Lorelai]: Hey, will you stay with her? I've got to go call my most delivery guys and let them know what's happening.
LORELAI: Yep. I'll be here. [Jackson leaves.] Comfortable?
SOOKIE: I am, Penelope Cruz.
[They laugh. Lorelai pulls an apple out of her purse.]
SOOKIE: Really?
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: You're eating an apple?
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll put it away.
SOOKIE: No, eat! I'm just surprised, it's not your thing.
LORELAI: I know! But we were by a vending machine checking you in. It was there, and it looked good. [She takes a bite.]
SOOKIE: It does look good. Oh, it looks like Ben Stiller.
LORELAI: Hm. [She examines the apple.] Um, hey, Sookie, um, when did you know for sure?
SOOKIE: About what?
LORELAI: That you were pregnant. How could you tell?
SOOKIE: Don't you remember? ‘Norman Mailer!'
LORELAI: Mm. Right, right. Norman Mailer.
SOOKIE: I wonder how Norman is. I had a dream about him the other night, and he was yelling at someone to shut up and read Joyce.
LORELAI: How long was the Norman Mailer moment after you and Jackson, uh, conceived?
SOOKIE: Wow. Uh, well, I don't know, a few weeks?
LORELAI: It was weeks?
SOOKIE: I think.
LORELAI: And you didn't know before? Not a feeling, or anything?
SOOKIE: I don't know. You've had one before, don't you remember?
LORELAI: Yeah. It's been a while.
SOOKIE: Why are you asking?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. Just being in a maternity ward makes me wonder about these things.
NURSE [arriving]: I'm going to see how far along she is. We'll be a couple of minutes.
LORELAI: Oh, sure. [She whispers to Sookie] She looks like Marlo Thomas.
SOOKIE: See? It's not just me.
LORELAI: I'll be outside.
[Lorelai walks out into the waiting area. She interrupts a doctor who is walking by.]
LORELAI: Oh, excuse me, uh, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes.
LORELAI: Hi. You're not off to save a life, are you?
DOCTOR: Not at the moment.
LORELAI: Okay. Just, quick question. Um, pregnancy tests. What's the deal with them now? I haven't taken one in a couple of decades, and I was just wondering if they work any differently.
DOCTOR: No, they're more accurate now, but the process is similar.
LORELAI: Okay, so let's say you do it. Have sex. You know. How soon after can a test tell you anything?
DOCTOR: At least two weeks.
LORELAI: Not two days?
DOCTOR: It won't be definitive after just two days.
LORELAI: Boy. Sword of Damocles is really hovering over you for a couple weeks, there, huh?
DOCTOR: Pretty much.
LORELAI: Home tests can be pretty tricky, too. Can't buy one where I live, because people would see, and talk – it's a small town. And even afterwards, the garbage man could see the box in the trash, and blab, and you know, I like my garbage man, but again, it's a small town. It's not your problem. So, there's no machine?
DOCTOR: Machine?
LORELAI: Yeah, a machine you could stick me in. You know, putting pig vessels in people. Isn't there a machine that could tell me right away, away from the prying eyes of the garbage man?
DOCTOR: You really need to wait and take the test at the proper time.
LORELAI: Okay, see, I'm eating an apple. Now, normally, this would not be a sign of anything except hunger. Except I don't eat much fruit. I know I should, but I don't have a hankering for it. Had it when I was pregnant with my first kid, though. Kept craving those apples. And this morning, boy, was I craving an apple.
DOCTOR: Well, that could be a sign.
LORELAI: It could?
DOCTOR: Or not.
LORELAI: Okay. You're nice. You're sweet. I've taken up too much of your time. Thank you.
DOCTOR: No problem.
LORELAI: Okay.
[The doctor leaves her. Her cell phone rings.]
LORELAI: Hello?
[Scene cuts from Lorelai in the waiting room to Emily in her living room.]
EMILY: Lorelai, it's your mother. I just have a quick question.
LORELAI: Okay.
EMILY: Well, I got my ballerina.
LORELAI: Oh, which one? Sachenka?
EMILY: No, I waited too long, and Mitzi Hertford sure scooped her up. It's okay, because Sachenka tore a ligament last year and is probably washed up. I got Paola.
LORELAI: Oh, Paola.
EMILY: Blond hair, b*llet body. So petite, but thighs that could break concrete.
LORELAI: Sounds good.
EMILY: They delivered her this morning and I have to tell you, it's been so much fun! She speaks this charming broken English, and everything is so new and fresh to her.
LORELAI: I'm glad. So what's up?
EMILY: Well, Paola wandered into your room looking for the bathroom, she really doesn't know left from right, and she found that old toy of yours, the magic eight ball.
LORELAI: I can't believe that's still there.
EMILY: And she is mesmerized by it. She's been playing with it ever since, asking it questions. She won't put it down. And I was just wondering if I can let her keep it?
LORELAI: Oh, sure.
EMILY: It's practically glued to her hand.
LORELAI: Hmm. Whatever Paola wants, Paola gets.
EMILY: Good. Thank you!
PAOLA [from behind Emily]: It is yes! Yes! I'm going to be rich!
EMILY: I just want to hug the stuffing out of her! You'll meet her tomorrow night at dinner.
LORELAI: I'm looking forward to it.
EMILY: Bye, and thanks again!
LORELAI: Bye, Mom.
[She hangs up, and dials another number. Scene cuts to Rory in the dining hall at Yale.]
RORY: Hey, how's it going?
LORELAI: Oh, fine. She's all checked in, breathing normally, contracting painfully. The cursing should start any time now, everything's as it should be.
RORY: Good. I mean, that was weird, wasn't it? She was like, what, a week and a half early?
LORELAI: Yeah, those little buggers tend to come when they want to come.
RORY: I still can't get ‘coming round the mountain' out of my mind. It's like one of those phrases, like ‘drop it like it's hot' that I really wish I'd never heard.
LORELAI: Hey, um. [She glances at the guy sitting to her right, and gets up.] You're doing everything you need to do in that area, right?
RORY: What area?
LORELAI: Um, protection, to prevent something from coming round the mountain.
RORY: I hope so!
LORELAI: Hope? This is not an area where hope is good enough.
RORY: I think I have it covered, and that wasn't meant to be a euphemism.
LORELAI: Okay, ‘think' is not good enough either. What kind of birth control do you use?
RORY: Um. [She glances around her.] I'm in the dining hall!
LORELAI: That was not my question.
RORY: People are, like, three feet away from me.
LORELAI: Listen, all I'm saying is you cannot leave it up to the guy, okay? They are not reliable.
RORY: I don't leave it up to the guy!
LORELAI: They get into this state, you know? Primordial. It's all very exciting, but so is eating a gallon of pudding, and believe me, you are going to regret that later. I use that as an example because I know you like pudding.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: You have got to figure, if he sh**t, he scores. I mean, look around you. [She looks around.] There are babies popping out all over the place.
RORY: You are in a maternity ward! You've got a skewed sample there.
LORELAI: So you're caught up on the subject?
RORY: You've caught me up. Society has caught me up. The health channel on cable has caught me up. Miss Driscoll, the sad spinster gym teacher at Stars Hollow High has caught me up –
LORELAI: Miss Driscoll. Right, like she would ever need birth control.
RORY: I'm caught up. Honest.
LORELAI: Okay. Good.
RORY: Mom. What's going on with you?
LORELAI: Nothing.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI [sighs]: I might be pregnant.
RORY: Oh. [Pause] So, that's where this is coming from.
LORELAI: I blame Mom. She never sat me down for the talk. And Miss Driscoll. She had her chance too, all those PTA meetings, and all she ever talked about was golf.
RORY: How did this happen? I mean, if it's true?
LORELAI: Luke and I came home from the magazine party the other night. We were a little loopy and it got - primordial. All roadblocks down. I mean, I was always beyond careful. The last time I had my roadblocks down was, I don't know, count how old you are to the day and add nine months.
RORY: But, that doesn't mean –
LORELAI: I just ate an apple.
RORY: Uh oh.
LORELAI: Yeah, and I liked it.
RORY: Whoa.
LORELAI: My body is telling me something.
RORY: Maybe it's not telling you what you think it is. Maybe it's just telling you to better comply with the government's recommendations for fruit and vegetable intake. That's not just propaganda, you know.
LORELAI: Maybe.
RORY: And –
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Well, would it be so horrible? I mean, it's Luke. [Pause.] It is Luke?
LORELAI: Yes, it's Luke!
RORY: Well, you guys are so close, it could be headed somewhere.
LORELAI: I know, but not right now, hon. It's early for us. You know? I mean, my life is going really good, just the inn and this new potential opportunity, and, you know. I just got rid of you. It's the first time in my life I've gotten to feel like a single, grownup woman. Now is just not the right time.
RORY: Okay. Well, maybe it's not true.
LORELAI: Yeah. Maybe.
RORY: But what are you going to do if it is?
LORELAI: I could really use my magic eight ball about now. I'm going to let you go, hon.
RORY: Keep me posted.
LORELAI: Okay. Bye.
[They hang up. Lorelai watches a pregnant woman get pushed by in a wheelchair.]
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE – CONFERENCE ROOM
[Rory is setting out notepads and pencils around the empty table. Mitchum enters.]
MITCHUM: I'm early?
RORY: A little.
MITCHUM: It's not ten after twelve?
RORY: Oh, your watch must be fast.
MITCHUM: My wife probably set it ahead to get me home earlier. Never works.
RORY: It's eleven forty-nine.
MITCHUM [re-sets his watch, looks around]: Charmless, isn't it?
RORY: The room?
MITCHUM: Needs plants.
RORY: I can get plants.
MITCHUM: Ever been to the Tribunals? Chicago?
RORY: No.
MITCHUM: Cathedrals. Go if you ever get the chance.
RORY: I will.
[Her cell phone rings. She ignores it.]
MITCHUM: Going to get that?
RORY: Um, I'm not done here.
MITCHUM: You've got ten minutes. [He sits.] I'm going to stay here, catch up on e-mails and make everyone really uncomfortable that I b*at them here.
RORY: Sounds good. [She answers her phone and stands outside the door.] Hey you!
LORELAI: It's a girl.
RORY: A girl? Oh good, we need a girl!
LORELAI: Why do we need a girl?
RORY: I don't know. Aren't there enough guys walking around out there?
LORELAI: Well, it's a beautiful girl, name to come, and Sookie's fine, Jackson's fine, everyone's fine.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: Fourteen hours of labor was the downside, but Sookie has the rest of her little girl's life to get back at her for that.
RORY: I love the circle of life.
LORELAI: And there's more good news.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: It was a false alarm. I'm not pregnant. The crisis has passed.
RORY: Oh, Mom. Good. I'm glad.
LORELAI: You're glad? Huh. As the sight of babies isn't freaking me out anymore, I can enjoy the maternity ward again.
RORY: So what was with the apple?
LORELAI: I don't know. But I just had a Moonpie and a Ding-Dong and washed it down with an Orange Crush in the cafeteria, so no desire for anything nutritional.
RORY: Oh, thank God. I'm glad, Mom.
LORELAI: Yeah. So, listen. How about we reschedule Sookie's baby shower?
RORY: How? It's too late.
LORELAI: No. We'll throw a ‘Welcome to the Earth, Baby Girl Belleville' party. Did you save the decorations?
RORY: Still in my car.
LORELAI: How about Saturday morning? That's when she gets home. Just come back with me tonight after dinner, we'll set it up at her house.
RORY: Sounds good. Hey, um, did you ever mention this pregnancy scare to Luke?
LORELAI: My God, no. Can you imagine? ‘Uh, Luke, you're going to be a daddy.' Suddenly there's nothing left but a puff of smoke and a baseball cap spinning on the floor.
RORY: Yeah. He never seemed much like a family guy. This is for the best. Listen, um, I've got to get back. We have a big staff meeting in a few minutes and I want to get back and make sure everything's set up and ready.
LORELAI: I'll see you tonight, my one and only offspring.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Bye.
[They hang up. Lorelai watches another woman in a wheelchair being pushed along. She smiles and calls out to her husband.]
LORELAI: Congratulations!
MAN: Thanks.
HOSPITAL –SOOKIE'S ROOM
[Jackson picks up the baby and walks over to Sookie in the bed.]
JACKSON: She's sound asleep.
SOOKIE: I'm not so bright-eyed myself.
JACKSON: Hey, before you go to sleep, we should probably decide on a name.
SOOKIE: I know. Names are so hard.
JACKSON: But the good thing, whatever names we don't use now, we just use on the next one.
SOOKIE: Yeah. You know, we need to talk about that.
JACKSON: Sure.
SOOKIE: I probably should have brought it up sooner, sorry.
JACKSON: No problem. What?
SOOKIE: You're getting a vasectomy.
JACKSON: What?
SOOKIE: You're getting a vasectomy.
JACKSON [laughs]: You got me. You got me. You're funny. Dark, but funny.
SOOKIE: I'm not joking, sweetie. We're cutting that tube. If it is a tube. I'm not really up on the procedure. The doctor doing it will be, though, so I'm sure he'll know.
JACKSON [stunned]: You're not kidding.
SOOKIE: I'm not kidding.
JACKSON: Sookie, come on!
SOOKIE: Jackson, we have one of each. We've kept the species going.
JACKSON: But I wanted four!
SOOKIE: And I wanted three. This is a good compromise.
JACKSON: I'm sorry. Two is not a compromise between three and four.
[A tall male nurse enters behind Jackson.]
SOOKIE: This is Reggie, he's going to take you down and have it done.
JACKSON: I'm having it done today?
SOOKIE: Yep.
JACKSON [looks at Reggie]: They sent the big nurse.
SOOKIE: Just in case.
[Another nurse takes the baby away from Jackson.]
JACKSON: Hey!
SOOKIE: You'll get her back afterwards. Now, it's just a quick outpatient procedure! You go in, lie down, close your eyes, snip snip, and you're sh**ting blanks.
JACKSON: Is this all I'm having done today, or do I need to get some glute
implants or something?
SOOKIE: It's everything, I promise. Kiss before you go. [They kiss.] Hey, I just thought of the perfect name. First name Martha, middle name Janice-Lori-Ethan-Rupert-Glenda-Carson-Daisy-Danny.
JACKSON [smiles]: You got them all in.
SOOKIE: Now go get cut.
[Jackson goes. The nurse brings Sookie the baby.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE – FRONT DOOR
[The doorbell rings. Emily answers it. Lorelai is holding a bag.]
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
EMILY: Lorelai, come in, come in. I want you to meet my special guest.
LORELAI: I'm curious to meet her.
[Emily smirks and lets her in. A young man is standing in the foyer.]
LORELAI: Oh, boy. She sure looked different in her picture.
EMILY: This is Mikhail. Mikhail, my daughter Lorelai.
LORELAI [waves]: Hi.
MIKHAIL: Hello.
LORELAI: What happened to Paola?
EMILY: Oh, that annoying little stick? She drove me crazy.
LORELAI: Hm. You loved her.
EMILY: There was something wrong with her. So flighty, so skinny. She made no noise when she walked, so you couldn't hear her coming. I felt like I was being stalked by an elf.
[The maid quietly walks up beside Lorelai and takes her coat.]
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: She had the mentality of a preschooler. If she was sitting when she laughed, she would clap her feet together. Smoked like a fiend, too.
LORELAI: Uh-huh.
EMILY: And she kept playing with that obnoxious magic eight ball of yours. She'd ask it the same question over and over until she got the answer she wanted. I told her that's not how it works. You're supposed to accept the first answer it gives you and that's that, but no. She kept going. I wanted to stick the little twig in the garbage disposal. So I exchanged her for Mikhail.
LORELAI: Really? You can do that, just trade her in for another human being?
EMILY: I paid for her, Lorelai, and she wasn't what I wanted.
LORELAI: All right.
EMILY: Isn't he stunning?
LORELAI: He's easy on the eyes, yes.
EMILY: You should see him stretch. Do you want Luminista to take your bag?
LORELAI: No, I'm going to keep it with me. There's something I want to show you.
EMILY: Oh, good. Shall we go in the living room? He's learning English, so keep your words short. [Slowly] Living room!
MIKHAIL [gestures for them to lead the way into the room]: Yes, please.
EMILY: What a value.
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE
[The staff meeting is going on. Mitchum has his feet up on the table and Rory is watching attentively from the corner.]
SAM: How interested are Stamford residents in a city forty miles away?
LUCILLE: They're interested.
SAM: That just takes resources away from covering local events.
LUCILLE: That are less interesting than events taking place in New York City.
SAM: If they're that interesting, we should take a couple of our own calendar staffers. Freelancers are a pain in the butt.
LUCILLE: So, Franz Ferdinand comes to New York, forget freelancers, you'll go cover it?
SAM: I didn't say that. Who's he?
[The other staff laugh at him.]
HARRY: He's a band.
SAM: Watch it, Pisher.
MITCHUM: Even I knew that, Sam.
SAM: Mitchum, please. Arbitrate.
MITCHUM: And spoil the fun? No way.
SAM: It's your money.
LUCILLE: Money well spent.
LLOYD: It's not your money, Lucille.
MITCHUM: Look, keep the system as is. We don't even have office space for extra people, let alone the budget. Go to Universities. [He glances at Rory. She nods back.] Yale, wherever. Get volunteers to pick up what our staff can't cover. Those kids jump at the chance.
HARRY: I'll pick up some slack.
SAM: After you pick up my dry cleaning, right?
HARRY: I'll pick that up too.
MITCHUM: Good, Harry, don't let him push you around.
CHARLIE: Are we going to end this marathon before we get to subscriptions? Please say no.
SAM: Charlie's feeling neglected again.
MITCHUM: Where are we with our sales department, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Abundant turnover. We have to start paying more.
MITCHUM: Oh!
LUCILLE: That got the boss where it hurts.
MITCHUM: Minimum wage plus twenty percent commission?
CHARLIE: And all the stale pastry they can eat.
MITCHUM: Up it to thirty.
LLOYD: Okay, now I'm in pain.
MITCHUM: Crunch the numbers, Lloyd, and get them to me. You never go behind the back of Captain Crunch!
LLOYD [to Charlie]: We should get together Monday.
MITCHUM: Let's all resume this Monday. Go home! [They get up to leave.] Meet your kids, feed your dogs! Have a good one.
[The room empties.]
RORY: That was fun.
MITCHUM: Yeah. Yeah, that's the way those things should go. Give and take. The less I say, the better.
RORY: Can I get you anything?
MITCHUM: No, I'm about to take off, here.
RORY: Okay.
MITCHUM: So, I'm going to be pulling back here soon.
RORY: From the paper?
MITCHUM: I've done my damage. It's time for them to take it and make something of it.
RORY: Oh. Okay.
MITCHUM: I'll probably be in Monday, maybe Tuesday, then not so much, after that.
RORY: Well, I'm happy to keep going. Even without you here.
MITCHUM: You know, you and I haven't really sat down and talked about the situation, about how you're doing here, and all.
RORY: Well, you've been busy.
MITCHUM: I've meant to. Offered you the job, took you under my wing. It's part of the deal.
RORY: Great! I'd love your feedback.
MITCHUM: Go on and sit.
[They sit down, Rory with a notepad.]
MITCHUM: I've worked with a lot of young people over the years. Interns, new hires. I've got a pretty good gut sense for people's strengths and weaknesses. Whether they have that certain something to make it in journalism. It's a tough business. Lot of stress.
RORY [smiling]: Definitely.
MITCHUM: And I have to tell you. You don't got it.
[Rory is stunned.]
MITCHUM: Now, guts can be wrong. Mine's been wrong before. But not often.
RORY: I thought I was doing okay.
MITCHUM: I just don't really think that you have the drive to put yourself out there, to be honest. To get a story. To dig. I mean, just now in this meeting, I encouraged everyone to say whatever they wanted. You said nothing.
RORY: I wasn't sure if I should.
MITCHUM: Exactly. I mean, you saw Harry. He jumped right into the f*re. You didn't.
RORY: But Harry's not an intern!
MITCHUM: Doesn't matter.
RORY [near tears]: I've always done what's asked of me.
MITCHUM: See, the thing is, in the real world, it's not always good enough to do just what's asked of you.
RORY: But I thought I was in a really good rhythm with everyone here.
MITCHUM: I'm not saying you're not competent. You're smart. You're terrific at anticipating needs. Actually, you'd make a great assistant.
RORY: Oh.
MITCHUM: I'm sorry. It's not my pleasure to disappoint someone like you. Especially you. What with the extenuating circumstances. But it's healthy. I don't know any other way. I don't B.S.
RORY: I should get back.
[She gets up and heads for the door. Mitchum stands up.]
MITCHUM: Hey, listen. I know this is rough, but, uh, I may have just done you a big favor.
RORY: Oh. Okay. Thanks.
[She walks out and back to her workstation. She looks extremely troubled.]
STEAM ROOM
[Kirk and Luke are standing before the town elders. Kirk is in a towel. Luke is fully dressed.]
KIRK: He had no contract. He had nothing in writing. Granted, his offer matched the fair market value of the property but it was a rigged bid situation. The house wasn't even officially listed for sale.
TAYLOR: It wasn't a rigged bid, Kirk!
ELDER #1: That's for the courts to decide.
ELDER #2: Get to the point, Kirk.
KIRK: The house should be re-listed. You should take the best offer from the person with the best chance of securing financing. That person is me.
ELDER #2: All right. Luke, what do you have to say to that?
LUKE: What the hell are we doing in a steam room?
TAYLOR: Luke, I explained to you that if you wanted to see the town elders you had to do it on their terms.
LUKE: This is ridiculous. I can't think in here.
ELDER #1: You should strip and get in a towel!
LUKE: I'm not getting in a towel.
KIRK: I think he's got body issues.
LUKE: I don't have body issues. I just don't agree with what's going on. How it's going on.
KIRK: Town elders, I don't think it's appropriate for the defendant to address you in this tone, is it?
LUKE: I'm not the defending, Kirk. This isn't a court. It's not even a room. It's a box full of hot air.
KIRK: Now he's insulting you.
LUKE: Listen. Old guys. I should get the house.
ELDER #2: Watch your manners, young man!
LUKE: I can get a loan –
KIRK: But I have deep pockets! Not now, I mean, right now I'm naked, but my pants have pockets.
LUKE: Who are you guys, anyway? What gives you the authority to make town decisions?
TAYLOR: Luke, this isn't helping.
KIRK: He's a hothead with body issues and shallow pockets.
LUKE: This isn't right. Taylor and I had an agreement.
KIRK: He needs therapy and probably pills.
[The elder in the back corner, who has kept his face hidden, speaks up.]
SUPREME ELDER: Luke should get the house.
LUKE: What?
KIRK: What?
SUPREME ELDER: It's the right thing to do. Kirk may have a better claim technically, but Luke wants it more.
KIRK: But –
SUPREME ELDER: I knew Luke's father. His grandfather. We all did. He'll care for the house because he cares so much about it. He wants it for him and Lorelai.
LUKE: For me and - [He points accusingly at Taylor] Did you –
SUPREME ELDER: We all watched Luke pine for Lorelai for nine long years. He waited for her while she went through her many relationships. He won her. Now he wants this for her. And for the others.
LUKE: Others? What others?
SUPREME ELDER: You'll bring children into the house.
KIRK: I'll bring children into the house, too! Maybe not my own.
SUPREME ELDER: It's right for Luke to have it. Kirk is young. There'll be other places for him to go. That's what I think.
ELDER #2: Well I agree.
ELDER #1: Me too. Luke should get the house.
KIRK: Rip!
LUKE: Thank you. Thank you, sir.
KIRK: Hey, Luke, it's a big yard you'll have there. A lot of lawn. I was wondering if we could talk about my rendering garden services? I have tools.
[Luke walks out of the steam room, followed by Kirk.]
ELDER GILMORE HOUSE
[Lorelai, Emily and Mikhail are in the living room.]
MIKHAIL: Sarrusta.
EMILY: Sarrusta.
MIKHAIL: Fantastic.
EMILY: And where is your town, Sarrusta?
MIKHAIL: Just outside Moscow.
EMILY: It sounds wonderful.
MIKHAIL: Our people die very young there.
EMILY: Oh. Well, that doesn't sound so good. [To Lorelai] What's in the bag?
LORELAI: Hm?
EMILY: You've been clutching that bag all night. What's in it?
MIKHAIL: She's got mystery bag.
EMILY: A mystery bag! Yes! What's in the mystery bag?
LORELAI: Oh. Well, um, this is my cover story.
EMILY: Your cover story? I thought it wasn't coming out for two weeks. Let me see that.
[She reaches out for it.]
LORELAI: Okay.
[She smiles nervously and pulls a magazine out of the bag. She passes it across to Emily.]
EMILY: Lorelai owns an inn, uh, what would you call it, maybe a dacha?
MIKHAIL: Dacha? Yes.
EMILY: This is it. [She shows him the photo on the cover.]
MIKHAIL: Ah, fantastic!
LORELAI: Thank you.
MIKHAIL: Great dacha, this dacha!
EMILY: Are there other pictures with the article?
LORELAI: Uh-huh. Go ahead and read it. We have time before dinner, right?
EMILY: We can't start dinner till Rory gets here. [To Mikhail] You're going to love my granddaughter. You'll just want to pick her up and throw her in the air. Give one to Mikhail, it's how he's learning English.
LORELAI: Got plenty to go around.
[She passes him a magazine. Emily flips hers open.]
EMILY: Oh, gorgeous!
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY [smiles up at Lorelai]: It's a rave.
LORELAI: We got lucky.
[Lorelai watches Emily read. Emily's expression gets more serious. Lorelai jumps up.]
LORELAI: I'll be right back.
[Mikhail stands politely.]
EMILY: Where are you going?
LORELAI: Uh, I'll just, I'll be right back. Sit, Mikhail. I mean, I didn't mean that as a command. But please, have a seat. I'll just, I'm going to –
[She leaves the room. Emily and Mikhail keep reading.]
RICHARD'S STUDY
[Lorelai enters and closes the door behind her. We hear Emily's reaction to the article.]
EMILY [OS]: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Lorelai!
[Her brisk footsteps approach the door. Lorelai locks it.]
EMILY [OS]: Lorelai! Are you in there?
LORELAI: No!
[Emily jiggles the door.]
EMILY [OS]: Come out of there.
LORELAI: No.
EMILY [OS]: This is pathetic!
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY [OS]: The things you say in this!
LORELAI: I, I know.
EMILY [OS]: Calling me Pol Pot!
LORELAI: Mom, it was meant as a joke! The Pol Pot, the walking anthr*x. I was just being edgy, like Chris Rock!
EMILY [OS]: Walking anthr*x!
LORELAI: You haven't gotten to that part yet?
EMILY [OS]: No!
LORELAI: Well, something to look forward to!
EMILY [OS]: I'm not going to continue talking about this through the door.
LORELAI: Look, Mom, I was mad at you when I did the interview, okay? And I said things, but I didn't mean them, it just happened! And I'm not used to talking to reporters. I didn't know about the whole ‘off the record, on the record' thing. But I know now. And I'm really sorry it happened.
EMILY [OS]: I did not force Jimmy Carter out of his room at that hotel.
LORELAI: See, now that I thought was just an amusing anecdote.
EMILY [OS]: I did not get into a, quote, bitch-fight with him. He's an ex-president! It was with that insufferable Rosalyn.
LORELAI: Again, Mom, I am really, really sorry, and unless you forgive me, I, I am going to camp out in here possibly forever. Mom, I'm just – don't tell your friends about the article, so they won't read it, and the ones who do, just tell them I was misquoted and I would recommend that you stop reading the article right now, and just look at the pictures. The pictures are really pretty. [Pause, Lorelai waits for a response.] If you are applying expl*sives to the door, please tell me, so I can step away.
[Pause.]
EMILY [OS]: I'll stop reading.
LORELAI: And we won't talk about it again, ever?
EMILY [OS]: Fine. Come out.
[Lorelai cautiously opens the door.]
EMILY: Let's go back to the living room.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom.
[Mikhail puts his jacket on and walks angrily toward the front door.]
MIKHAIL: Goodbye, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Mikhail, where are you going?
MIKHAIL: I must leave!
EMILY: Leave? Why? Mikhail!
[She runs after him.]
EMILY: Mikhail!
YACHT CLUB
[Night. Rory walks down the dock. We can hear laughter from the party on the yacht. She sees Logan talking to a girl at the edge of the boat. He is happy to see Rory.]
LOGAN: Hey! You're here early!
RORY: I guess.
LOGAN: Way early. Did you skip your dinner?
RORY: Come down here, so I don't have to yell.
[Logan comes down.]
LOGAN: So there she is.
RORY: Who?
LOGAN: The boat. Calling them ‘she' is one of the most fun nautical traditions.
RORY: Right. Something sexist in that, I'm sure.
LOGAN: I'm sure. [He kisses her.] So how'd you get away?
RORY: I don't know, I just got away.
LOGAN: I'm glad.
RORY: So, who is she?
LOGAN: Who?
RORY: The girl on the boat.
LOGAN: Okay, I'm sorry, we were just calling the boat a she. I'm a little bit behind but I'm catching up. She's a friend of my sister's.
RORY: Well, I didn't mean to interrupt anything.
LOGAN: You weren't interrupting anything.
RORY: Looked like I was.
LOGAN: I've known her forever.
RORY: Well, I didn't mean to pull you away.
LOGAN: We were just talking. Me, her, and her husband. If you want, I can have them pull out pictures of their two-year-old. Ben has them in his jacket pocket.
RORY: Do you even want me here?
LOGAN: Ace, I invited you here.
RORY: Right. On Friday night, when you knew I couldn't come.
LOGAN: It's my sister's party. I didn't pick the night.
RORY: Traffic sucked getting here.
LOGAN: Sorry, but I can't do anything about the traffic either. Can we just, um –
[He points down the dock, where they can talk without anyone overhearing. They go there.]
LOGAN: What the hell is wrong with you?
RORY: Nothing. I'm just in a weird mood.
LOGAN: I'll say.
RORY: I'm sorry, I just – can we go somewhere else?
LOGAN: What?
RORY: Let's go somewhere else. I don't really feel like being around people.
LOGAN: Okay, name it.
RORY: Will your sister mind?
LOGAN: I've been here for an hour and a half, I've talked to everybody. My duty is done. Where do you want to go?
RORY: I don't know. Somewhere. Far. Out there.
LOGAN: Where?
RORY: Out to sea.
LOGAN: Out to sea.
RORY: Yeah. Let's take that fancy-pants yacht of yours for a spin.
LOGAN: Tricky, since it's about to head out with all of my sister's friends on it.
RORY: Oh. Well, don't you have another one?
LOGAN: Not here.
RORY: Well, where's the other one?
LOGAN: Far away. Let's just drive somewhere. Let's go to New York.
RORY: I don't want to drive. I want to be out there, just the two of us. Alone.
LOGAN: Well –
RORY: You know the beginning of Moby Dick, when the narrator says that when he finds himself growing grim about the mouth and wanted to knock people's hats off, he takes to the sea?
LOGAN: Yeah.
RORY: Well I feel like knocking people's hats off.
LOGAN: So I guess we got to take to the sea.
RORY [nodding, looks around]: That one looks good.
LOGAN: Yeah.
RORY: Nice and seaworthy.
LOGAN: Not ours to take.
RORY [shrugs]: That ever stopped you before?
LOGAN [smiles]: I think I've been a bad influence on you, Ace.
RORY: Let's go, Huntzberger.
LOGAN: Let's go.
[Rory grabs his hand as they run down the dock.]
ELDER GILMORE'S LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai explains to Mikhail, who is sitting, arms folded across his chest, glaring at her.]
LORELAI: See, I was mad at Mom – Mrs. Gilmore, here, at the time, and I ended up saying things I shouldn't have said, because, you see, normally, I don't make jokes about Joseph Stalin. They're inappropriate. I just said it, and just to this writer, and she printed it. I mean, she's not Joseph Stalin. And, not that there's any excuse, but there is no way I could have known that a Russian man whose entire family and their village was k*lled by Stalin would be reading this in front of me, I mean, there's just no way.
EMILY: She has this off-putting sense of humor, Mikhail. You'd know that if you spent time with her.
LORELAI: Yes, you would. You would know that.
MIKHAIL: Yes.
LORELAI: I mean, Joseph Stalin was a monster. So, please, stay. You just caught us on a bad day.
MIKHAIL: All right.
[Lorelai's cell phone rings.]
LORELAI: Um, this must be Rory. [She pulls the phone out of her bag.] Excuse me. [She gets up.] Hello?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Hey, um, when are you getting here? I really, really want you here.
RORY: You need to come and get me.
LORELAI: Where are you?
___________________END__________________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x21 - Blame Booze and Melville"} | foreverdreaming |
POLICE STATION
[Lorelai walks up to the counter.]
LORELAI: Hi. Hello. Yes, I'm here to pick up my daughter.
OFFICER: Your daughter's name?
LORELAI: Rory Gilmore. Lorelai Gilmore. She goes by Rory. I don't know what you have her under.
OFFICER: Rory Gilmore.
LORELAI: Oh, that's good, because she only answers to that. Not that she won't to the other, but -
OFFICER: She'll be out in a minute.
LORELAI: Okay. Thanks. [Pause.] Sorry, when you say she'll be out, do you mean out of a cell?
OFFICER: Yep.
LORELAI: So she was in a cell.
OFFICER: That's where we usually put people when they're arrested.
LORELAI: Was she in the cell alone?
OFFICER: It was a slow night. She had the place to herself.
LORELAI [relieved]: Oh, that's good. I mean, not that she's a snob. She can get along with anyone, it's just, it was her first time in a cell, so I didn't want her to be att*cked, you know, like in Caged Heat? Or was it Switchblade Sisters? Anyway. I mean, my daughter never gets into trouble. Except, you know, now. But on the whole, the kid is an angel. She goes to Yale.
OFFICER: She'll be out in a minute.
LORELAI: Right. [She looks around.] I'm sorry. Are you, like, solving something?
OFFICER: What can I do for you?
LORELAI: I was just wondering. Is Rory in the system now? Because I just remember when Sipowicz's son accidentally got arrested because he looked like a drug dealer. Sipowicz was freaked out that the son was going to wind up in the system. And I just wonder, you know, should I be freaked out? And also, what exactly is the system?
OFFICER: She's got to go to court. They'll figure out what's going to happen.
LORELAI: And am I going to have to pay anything? I mean, bail? Does she need bail?
OFFICER: They're releasing her on a P.T.A. A promise to appear.
LORELAI: Oh, she will. She will appear. She might be there before you will.
OFFICER [losing patience]: I won't be there.
LORELAI: Right. But she will, 'cause she promised. I'll be over there.
[She walks over to sit on the other side of the room. Finn and Colin enter the station, chatting with each other.]
FINN: Well. This is much nicer than the last place we picked him up from.
COLIN: Yes, we definitely need to keep this one in mind for future infractions. Excuse me, Officer, we were wondering if one Logan Huntzberger has been released from your fine custody yet?
OFFICER: Nope. Have a seat.
COLIN: We'll be over here.
FINN: And if you have a moment we'd like to order some appetizers.
[The officer stares at him. He turns around. He and Colin sit near Lorelai, who listens to their conversation with a worried look on her face.]
FINN: So typical. Logan would have to get busted during the one time I almost got Rosemary to agree to go home with me.
COLIN: It's vintage Huntzberger, my friend. Friday nights end in jail.
FINN: The boy knows how to party.
COLIN: Stealing Richardson's boat. Genius.
FINN: Let's not forget the lovely Rory.
COLIN: Yes. Maxwell Smart finally found his Ninety-Nine.
OFFICER: Rory Gilmore is coming out now.
LORELAI: Oh, thank you.
COLIN: You're here for Rory?
LORELAI: Yeah.
FINN: Oh, well, we would have taken her home.
COLIN: Just so you know she was covered.
LORELAI [sarcastic]: Wow. The relief.
COLIN: I'm Colin. This is Finn. And you are?
LORELAI: Her mother.
FINN: My God, those are good genes.
[The door buzzes and Rory comes out. Lorelai gets up. They look at each other for a minute.]
LORELAI: You've got everything?
[Rory holds up her envelope of personal effects.]
LORELAI: Let's go.
[Rory follows her to the door. She glances at Colin and Finn in the corner. They kneel and worship her. She shakes her head at them. Once Lorelai and Rory are gone, they burst out laughing.]
OPENING CREDITS
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
[Volunteers are setting up flags and outhouses in the Square. Lorelai's Jeep pulls up in front of Doose's market. Lorelai and Rory sit awkwardly for a moment.]
LORELAI: What's on your hands?
RORY: Fingerprints.
LORELAI: Right. [Pause.] Do you want to go in and eat, or take it home?
RORY: Home.
LORELAI: Okay. [Pause.] We're having a bike race. Bike race through town, first one ever. Taylor's really excited. Maybe Sheryl Crow will come.
RORY: Maybe.
LORELAI: Probably not. [Pause.] I'm running out of small talk, kid. Got to get around to the main event here soon.
RORY [sighs]: I know.
LORELAI: Rory, what happened?
[Rory's cell phone rings. She takes it out.]
LORELAI: No, don't answer it.
RORY: It's Logan.
LORELAI: Rory, don't answer it.
RORY: I have to.
LORELAI: Well, I don't want you talking to him right now.
RORY: Why not?
LORELAI: Why not? He just got you arrested.
RORY: He did not.
LORELAI: Don't protect him.
RORY: It was my idea!
LORELAI: Oh, come on.
RORY: Logan was at his sister's engagement party having a perfectly lovely time when I showed up and dragged him off. He spent the night in jail because of me. I have to take this call. [She flips open the phone.] Hey. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm good. I was just worried about you.
[Lorelai, angry, gets out of the car and slams the door. Rory looks after her. Lorelai walks down the street towards Luke's. Taylor jogs up behind her.]
TAYLOR: Lorelai. Yoo-hoo! Behind you! Back here! Turn around! Turn around, turn around!
[Lorelai, frustrated, turns around.]
LORELAI: Yes, Taylor.
TAYLOR [gasping for breath]: You know we have a race coming through here tomorrow.
LORELAI: Uh, yeah, it says it on the banners.
TAYLOR: The fifth annual Connecticut Bike Race. It's a very prestigious race.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sure.
TAYLOR: Now, I don't know if you've noticed the no parking signs I've been putting out.
LORELAI: I didn't, Taylor.
TAYLOR: I swear, if something doesn't have a Marc Jacobs label on it, you girls just don't notice it. Well, I have just put no parking signs all up and down the street here, in hopes of clearing a safe and unobstructed path through Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: Well, what a super goal, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Thank you. Now, if you notice, your Jeep is currently parked in what is about to become a no parking zone.
LORELAI: Really.
TAYLOR: As of ten o'clock tonight. At 10:01, we will be towing. [He points to Kirk in a tow truck.]
KIRK: I'm coming for you!
LORELAI: Okay, Taylor, it's nine fifty-five. I still have six minutes.
TAYLOR: Yes, but it would be easier if you would just move the car now.
LORELAI: If it's easy then anyone could do it, and I'm a maverick.
[She turns and keeps walking. Taylor looks to heaven.]
TAYLOR: Look what Jane Fonda hath wrought.
[He checks his watch.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is wiping counters. Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Rory stole a yacht. How's your night been?
LUKE [turns around]: What? What do you mean, Rory stole a yacht?
[They sit down.]
LORELAI: I, uh, just got back from picking Rory up from the Bridgeport police department where she was brought following her arrest for grand theft boating.
LUKE: Tell me what happened.
LORELAI: I don't know what happened. I haven't gotten the details yet. I did get a piece of paper with a court date on it, though. June third. Sounds like a good day to go to court, don't you think?
LUKE: Was she with that Logan kid?
LORELAI: Yes, he was arrested too.
LUKE: Well, there you go. He got her into this.
LORELAI: That's what I said. I need hand soap.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Oh, she got ink all over her hands from the fingerprinting and I'm out of soap.
LUKE: I have soap.
LORELAI: Maybe she needs special soap. Is there special soap? Is it special ink? It must be special ink, right?
LUKE: I don't –
LORELAI: I mean, of course. [She gets up and walks behind the counter.] They're not going to use normal ink for fingerprinting, it's supposed to brand you and humiliate you. Normal ink wouldn't humiliate you, unless you're Rory and your mother has no soap.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I should make a list. I'm going to forget things. I just need a pen. [She grabs a notepad from beside the register.]
LUKE: Here.
LORELAI: Okay, so, okay. Buy soap. Let's see, what else? Buy soap, buy soap, uh, get lawyer –
LUKE: I can help you with a lawyer.
LORELAI: Oh, crap, Rory's car! It must still be at the marina. She's going to have to pick it up. If it hasn't been impounded! How do I find out if it's been impounded?
LUKE: I'm sure you can call down there, and –
LORELAI: God, every ten seconds something else pops into my head. I'm just not prepared for this. I mean, Rory never even shoplifted. Not a candy bar, not a lipstick. She forgot to return a library book once. And she was so guilty about it that she grounded herself. I mean, can you imagine? She's just sitting there in her bedroom yelling at me, "Now no one else got to read the Iliad this week because of me!"
LUKE: What can I do?
LORELAI: Rory hasn't eaten.
LUKE: I can make you some burgers.
LORELAI: No, no, no. Just donuts. We need to get home and get to the bottom of this. [She takes a deep breath as Luke gets the donuts ready.] Okay. This is not the end of the world, right? I mean, Rory's young. Young people do stupid things. I got pregnant. This is better, it's not so permanent. Unless it's on her permanent record, and then, oh, God, does that mean she can't vote?
LUKE: Oh, I don't think –
LORELAI: I thought I read that if you commit a felony you can't vote.
LUKE: I think that's –
LORELAI: Rory loves to vote! She switched her ‘I voted' sticker from outfit to outfit this year, and then she scotch taped it to her purse! She has to be able to vote!
LUKE: You want me to come with you when you talk to her?
LORELAI [distant]: No. Thanks, she's in the car. I should go. Thanks for the donuts.
[She grabs the bag and walks out.]
LUKE: Yeah. Sure.
LORELAI'S JEEP
[Lorelai gets back in. Rory is off the phone.]
RORY: Kirk just came by and gave us a two minute warning. Any idea what he's talking about?
LORELAI: Who ever has any idea what Kirk's talking about? Here. [She hands her the bag of donuts.]
RORY: Thanks.
LORELAI [sighs]: Rory, what happened tonight?
RORY [after a pause]: I stole a yacht.
LORELAI: Yes, I know. The nice men with the g*n told me. Why?
RORY: I just – I was really upset and I felt like I had to do something.
LORELAI: Okay, sure, I get that. But when I'm upset and I need to do something I eat a lot of pound cake. They don't have pound cake at Yale?
RORY: No, they have pound cake at Yale. [She sighs. Lorelai looks at her expectantly.] Mitchum Huntzberger talked to me today. About my performance.
LORELAI: And?
RORY: And he said that I was very smart and competent and would someday make someone a great assistant.
LORELAI [scornful]: Uh-huh.
RORY: But as a journalist, he just doesn't think I have it.
LORELAI: It? Who is he, Louis B. Mayer?
RORY: No, he says he has like a sense for this kind of thing. I just – I don't know, it was a surprise. I mean, I thought I was doing really well. I thought I was impressing him. I thought he was going to offer me a summer job at the paper, I thought –
LORELAI: Oh, God, I hate this guy.
RORY: It's not his fault. I mean, if he doesn't think I could be a journalist, it's probably best that he tells me before –
LORELAI: Before what?
RORY: Before I go out there and fall on my face.
LORELAI: But, Rory, he is wrong He doesn't know what he's talking about.
RORY: He does this for a living.
LORELAI: Not after I k*ll him, he doesn't. Big, fancy, arrogant creep. Handing down these all-knowing proclamations. I mean, how the hell does he know if you have ‘it' or not? Has he seen your writing? Has he talked to you, I mean really talked to you? Has he talked to any of your teachers? Has he talked to anyone who knows how much ‘it' you have? No. He's spent exactly two weeks with you, ordering you around, sending you on coffee runs, playing the big sh*t!
RORY: He is the publisher!
LORELAI: I know what it says on his business card. I'm going to kick his ass.
RORY: Should we be at all concerned that Kirk's trying to tow us away right now?
LORELAI: No. He is not God! This is one man's opinion. He did not invent journalism. He's just a guy with a really good parking space.
RORY: I'm so, so sorry.
LORELAI: I know you are.
RORY: I was so stupid. I'll never be that stupid again.
LORELAI: Aw. Sure you will.
RORY: Oh my God. I got arrested. I have to go to court! I have to go get my car. No – do you have soap at home? Because I have all this ink all over my hands, and –
LORELAI: Honey. Relax. We will figure it out.
[She smiles reassuringly and squeezes Rory's wrist. Rory looks ahead nervously as they drive away, just as Kirk is about to attach the chains from the tow truck. He drops them, defeated.]
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
[The troubadour is singing on a corner.]
TROUBADOR [singing]: I turned twenty-one in prison, doing life without parole. No-one could steer me right, but Mama tried, Mama tried. Mama tried to raise me better but her pleading I denied, that leaves only me to blame, ‘cause Mama tried. Leaves only me to blame, ‘cause Mama tried.
LANE'S HOUSE
[Lane knocks on the bathroom door.]
LANE: Brian! I need to get in there!
BRIAN [opens the door, wearing a suit]: I was only in there fifteen minutes. I clocked it.
[Brian walks over to the bunk beds, where Zach is laying in bed.]
ZACH: Time, dude?
BRIAN: Seven thirty.
ZACH: Crap. I overslept.
BRIAN: You're saying that like it's my fault.
ZACH [getting up]: Shut up. It is your fault.
BRIAN: I told you to get a clock you don't have to wind.
ZACH: I told you to shut up.
BRIAN: You never wind it, then you yell at me.
ZACH: Dude, you keep nagging me, I'm going to have to buy you a ring.
[He turns on some music. Lane comes out of the bathroom.]
LANE: I get off work at six.
ZACH: I'll alert the media.
LANE: I mean, that's early enough to have band practice. Are we having band practice tonight?
[Zach turns on the T.V. and starts playing a video game.]
ZACH: Maybe.
BRIAN: I may have to work late.
LANE: Brian.
BRIAN: I have my temp review, Lane. I think they might be ready to offer me the full-time receptionist job.
LANE: It's been a while since we've practiced.
ZACH: We've been busy.
LANE: Tomorrow, then?
ZACH: Definitely a conversation to have.
LANE: Fine, we'll talk tonight. Have you seen my jeans jacket?
ZACH [at the T.V.]: Oh, come on! I threw the troll!
[Lane sees her jacket behind her drum set. She walks over and realizes that her drums are covered by drying clothes and empty beer bottles. She looks at Brian, reading the paper in the kitchen, and then at Zach, absorbed by his video game. She looks dejected.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE – KITCHEN
[Rory comes out of her room.]
LORELAI: Morning!
RORY: God, I feel like I could sleep through the entire day.
LORELAI: Coffee will be ready soon.
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Well, I'm updating the refrigerator.
[She steps back from the fridge to display Rory's mug sh*t attached to the door.]
RORY: Where did you get that?
LORELAI: Oh, the nice lady at the police station e-mailed it to me. I thought it would look really nice next to your kindergarten handprint collage. I got you a copy if you're thinking Christmas cards.
RORY: Very thoughtful.
LORELAI: You hungry?
RORY: I'm starving. I've had nothing but donuts for two days. [Lorelai brings her some bread and water.] Funny.
LORELAI: Hold on.
[She turns on some music.]
RORY: I'm really glad you're enjoying this.
LORELAI: Rory, the penal system is not something we enjoy, It's something with a name that makes us giggle.
RORY: I assume there's pop-tarts? [She gets up.]
LORELAI: Now, what's on the agenda for today? I hear there's a shipment of plutonium coming in at the docks, and I thought we could dress up as nuns and I could distract them with a fake stigmata, you could shove the plutonium under your habit, and –
RORY: I have to got back to school. I have one last final, plus –
LORELAI: Oh, wait.
[She grabs two telephones and sets them on the table, as if they are separated by glass. She picks up one of the phones and looks up at Rory. Rory decides to play along.]
RORY: Plus I have one last load of stuff that I need to pick up and transport back here. And now I have to hang up. Visiting hours are over. [They hang up the phones.] Thanks for letting me borrow the Jeep.
LORELAI: Figured if I didn't give it to you voluntarily you'd just heist it anyway.
RORY: This bit's going to last for a while, huh?
LORELAI: Mm. Twenty to life. Time off for a well-placed Tom Sizemore Whizzenator joke.
RORY: Don't let the movies fool you, kiddies. Crime doesn't pay.
[She walks toward the door. Lorelai follows her.]
LORELAI: Listen, uh, later today I'm going to try and track us down a lawyer. I thought I'd call that guy who got Robert Blake off, what was his name, Houdini? [Rory stares at her.] What?
RORY: Where are you really going to get this lawyer?
LORELAI: The emergency room. Ambulance dispatch center?
RORY: You're not going to tell –
LORELAI: No. I'm not going to go through Mom and Dad. There's no reason they need to know about this.
RORY: Did I say I'm sorry in the last five minutes?
LORELAI: Hm. I think not slugging me when I pulled out the telephones said it for you.
RORY: I love you, mom.
LORELAI: I love you, kid.
[Rory kisses her cheek and leaves as the phone rings. Lorelai answers it.]
LORELAI: Hello.
LOGAN: Uh, hi. Is Rory there?
LORELAI: She just left, who's calling?
[Scene cuts to Logan at the Yale campus.]
LOGAN: It's Logan.
LORELAI [hesitates]: Oh. She's not here.
LOGAN: I've been trying to get her, her phone must be off or d*ad or something.
LORELAI: Well, she's heading back to school. You can just catch up with her there.
LOGAN: Yes, I'll do that.
LORELAI: Okay. Bye.
LOGAN: Oh, listen, I'm sorry to call your house. I just had this number and I wanted to talk to Rory.
LORELAI: It's okay, Logan.
LOGAN: And listen, I know you must be really upset by this whole thing, but I want you to know my father's lawyers are all over the situation, and –
LORELAI: Hey, you know what? I think your father has done just about enough here, okay?
LOGAN: Done enough?
LORELAI: Yes. So, thank your father for this. And I do mean all of this. But I think I can handle it from here.
LOGAN: But –
LORELAI: His help isn't needed, Logan. I've got it.
LOGAN: Okay. You got it. Sorry, I was just –
LORELAI: Rory should be back at school soon.
LOGAN: Right. Sorry to bother you.
LORELAI: No problem. Bye.
[She hangs up.]
YALE CAMPUS
[Rory walks around the corner to her dorm. Logan is sitting on the bench by her door.]
RORY: Hey.
LOGAN: What'd he do?
RORY: What?
LOGAN: My father. What'd he do?
RORY: Who told you that he did anything?
LOGAN: I called your house. I talked to your mom.
RORY: Great.
[She unlocks the door and they go inside.]
LOGAN: I should have known something happened, the way you showed up at Honor's party like that. I should have known.
RORY: My mother shouldn't have said anything.
LOGAN: She didn't say anything specific.
RORY: Then what'd she say?
LOGAN: Rory, just tell me what happened.
RORY: It's stupid. I feel stupid.
LOGAN: Rory.
RORY: I overreacted. You'll think I'm three.
LOGAN: Tell me.
RORY: He just doesn't think that I've got what it takes to be a journalist. He says he knows when someone has it, and I apparently do not have it.
LOGAN: He said that to you?
RORY: Yeah.
LOGAN: Just like that.
RORY: Pretty much.
LOGAN: I knew it. I knew this was going to happen. I didn't want you to take that internship.
RORY: I had to take the internship. Your father's the top guy in the business.
LOGAN: My father is a jackass! He's a bully! He has zero interest in people's feelings. It's always just say what you feel, right or wrong, who the hell cares who you hurt. Whatever. I'm going over there right now.
RORY: Logan, no.
LOGAN: You're my girlfriend, Rory, he should have treated you better than that.
RORY: I don't want you to say anything!
LOGAN: I have to!
RORY: Logan, no! Please! I just want to forget this. I just want it to go away! And please don't make a big thing between you and your dad, I don't want that!
LOGAN: Rory.
RORY: Don't put me in that position, please.
LOGAN [sighs]: I'm sure he'll give me a crappy present for my birthday. Maybe I can pick a fight with him over that.
RORY: Thank you.
LOGAN: You should have told me.
RORY: I didn't want to tell you.
LOGAN: Hey. If this relationship thing is going to work, then it goes both ways. You have to tell me why were committing a felony before we do it. Not that that's going to stop us, but at least I'll have all the facts, okay?
RORY: Okay. I'm sorry.
LOGAN: Come here. [He pulls her into a big hug.] You need some help packing?
RORY: No. I've got my last final today. I should go over my notes.
LOGAN: Okay. Call me after.
RORY: I will.
LOGAN: You're good?
RORY: I'm good.
LOGAN: Okay. Oh, and try and talk to your mother. My father's lawyers should really handle this thing. They've had a lot of practice, believe me.
RORY: Okay. I'll talk to her.
[He leaves.]
LUKE'S DINER
[The bikers cycle past, calling out to their followers as they round the corner.]
BIKERS: Big hole! Big hole! Big hole!
[Inside, spandex-clad bikers are everywhere. Taylor and Luke sit together at a table with a pile of papers.]
TAYLOR: You, uh, signed on the wrong line.
LUKE: Oh, sorry.
TAYLOR: Cross it out, initial it, and sign again.
BIKER [outside]: Big hole!
LUKE: What the hell is wrong with them? Why can't they just let the bozo in back of them figure out for himself there's a big hole there!
TAYLOR: You're awfully crabby for a man whose business is booming because of this race.
LUKE: I don't want this kind of business. It's too shiny.
TAYLOR: I myself am finding the whole thing rather intoxicating. Our little town, the site of an international sports event like this? You have no idea how much wrangling it took to get them here.
BIKER [outside]: Big hole!
LUKE: Ah, geez. I smudged! He made me smudge!
TAYLOR [patiently]: Cross it out, initial the smudge, then start again. [Luke sighs.] I lobbied the race coordinators for weeks. It was a lot of ouzo and karaoke, but I bagged our town the coveted first stop, last stop slot.
LUKE: Wait, first stop, last stop meaning –
TAYLOR: They start here today, circle the state, then end here later this week. Every one of them will be coming back.
BIKERS [outside]: Big hole! Big hole!
LUKE: Unbelievable.
TAYLOR: Uh, don't press too hard, there, buddy, I don't want to start all over again.
LUKE: That's the last one.
TAYLOR: Excellent. [He gathers up the papers.] Well, I guess congratulations are in order, Luke. You've just bought yourself the Twickham house.
LUKE: Thank you, Taylor.
[They get up and Taylor heads for the door.]
TAYLOR: Now, remember, there's a three day cooling-off period, meaning you have three days from today to change your mind.
LUKE: I'm not going to change my mind.
TAYLOR: Well, it's been a pleasure doing business with you, Luke! I certainly hope it works out for you and your future plans.
[He leaves.]
BIKER [outside]: Big hole!
LANE: I'm taking my break! [She sits down with the band and a plate of fries.] I have fifteen minutes.
ZACH: No chili?
LANE: Where's Gil?
ZACH: It totally needs some chili.
BRIAN: Gill called. His delivery boy didn't show so he has to make some stops on the way. He said he may not be able to make it.
LANE: Of course he can't make it. Why should he make it? I mean, it's only a band meeting, right? Nothing important.
ZACH [eating the fries]: Oh, my God, I can taste the potato!
BRIAN: So?
ZACH: So I hate the potato. The chili hides the potato.
LANE: Zach!
ZACH: Nice screech.
LANE: This right here, this attitude! It's exactly what I'm talking about.
ZACH: What do you mean, what you're talking about? You haven't said anything yet.
[Gil enters the diner, wearing his work uniform.]
LANE: I think we have a problem.
BRIAN: We do?
GIL: I just got totally boned by this sixteen year old Three Doors Down fan. My week sucks.
LANE: I started the meeting already, Gil.
GIL: Gee, sorry Lane. I dropped off the hoagies as quickly as I could. Next time I won't wait for the money, and my kid can just paint himself silver and do the robot on the street corner for tuition fees.
LANE: What's going on here? Are we breaking up?
ZACH: What? Oh, you mean the band. Okay, cool. Wow. Go on.
BRIAN: We're not breaking up. Are we breaking up?
LANE: Well, I don't know. It just seems to me that lately the band doesn't seem to be as important to everyone as it used to be.
ZACH: I don't agree.
LANE: We hardly practice anymore. Everyone else has all these other things to do. There were clothes on my drums this morning.
BRIAN: Sorry. After I Woolite that sweater I have to lay it out flat or else it loses its shape.
GIL: Lane, relax. Things have just been a little crazy lately.
BRIAN: Oh, that reminds me. I got offered that full-time receptionist job today.
ZACH [pleased]: Really?
GIL: Welcome to the grind, my friend.
BRIAN: They're giving me a raise and I get to keep the blazer.
GIL: Awesome blazer!
LANE: I'm sorry, does anyone else see what's going on here? Brian's talking about talking a full-time job.
BRIAN: So?
LANE: The band's supposed to be your full-time job!
ZACH: Lane.
LANE: No, no Lane! [To Zach] You have your Americana banjo band, [to Brian] and you have Century 21, [to Gil] and you have a really stupid hat on. And what do I have, huh? According to my mother I am going to hell for this. That's commitment, my friends! Eternal damnation is what I'm risking for my rock and roll!
ZACH: Lane, calm down. We all care about the band.
LANE: So I'm just imagining all of this?
[They all look at each other guiltily.]
LANE: I think we need to play more.
BRIAN: We've played every club around here a hundred times.
LANE: Well, then maybe we need to tour!
GIL: Tours are rough, Lane. They have to be planned. Venues must be booked, you need publicity. Transportation. Money.
LANE: Well, we have to do something.
BIKER [outside]: Big hole!
LUKE: That's it!
[Luke heads out the door with a baseball bat.]
BIKERS [outside]: Big bat! Big bat! Big bat!
DRAGONFLY INN - LOBBY
[The place is overrun by bikers. Michel walks through a crowd of them carrying a large gift basket. He looks objectionably at two bikers. One is poking the other's butt muscle.]
BIKER #1: Six hundred lunges every night.
BIKER #2: Impressive.
LORELAI [getting off the phone]: Thank you! [To Michel] We are booked, booked, booked. I now love bike riders so much, that from now on when driving I will no longer consider how many points I'd get if I took them out. What's this? [Michel sets down the gift basket.]
MICHEL: This is for you, apparently.
LORELAI: A present? I love presents! I wonder who it could be from? [She reads the card.] Lorelai, a little something to make the trip over to the Durham Group a bit more fun. Mike Armstrong. Thank you, Mike Armstrong!
MICHEL: That is the man who wants to buy the inn, no?
LORELAI: Oh, my God! Look at all this stuff! Travel soap, travel candles, a travel blanket, cashmere travel pillow, cashmere socks, oh my God. This is La Mer youth serum. Apparently you put this on before you get on a plane, and by the time you get off you're Dakota Fanning. Michel, take something! What do you want?
MICHEL: The memory of those bikers poking each other in the buttocks
‘Eternal Sunshine'd out of my mind.
LORELAI: Come on, Michel, take something. You love products.
MICHEL: You're going to do it, aren't you?
LORELAI [sniffing a candle]: Do what?
MICHEL: You're going to sell the inn to Mike Armstrong.
LORELAI: Ooh, Euros. Cool.
MICHEL: You're going to sell the inn to Mike Armstrong, and then you're going to go off and have a wonderful life and I'm going to be unemployed. A very attractive asset on the dating scene. You know, we have our own little section at Match.com.
LORELAI: Michel, stop it. I'm probably not going to take the deal.
MICHEL: You're not?
LORELAI: This is my inn. I love it here. It's just fun being wooed, you know? Having someone want you enough to send you Prescriptives misting lotion.
MICHEL: Fine. If you say so.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, did the handyman get here yet? That loose banister's making me nervous.
MICHEL: He has not come. Should I call him again?
LORELAI: No. Forget it. I'll call Luke. He'll come fix it, and all it'll cost me is my honor.
MICHEL: Hm. What a lovely arrangement you two have. [He picks a bottle out of the basket and leaves.]
YALE CLASSROOM
[Students, sitting in rows of desks, are busily writing an exam. The professor sits at the front of the class reading a book. He checks his watch.]
PROFESSOR: And the countdown continues. Twenty-five more minutes, people. Can you stand the excitement? I know I can't.
[The camera moves down the aisle to Rory, who is leaning her head in her hand and gazing out the window. Her paper is blank.]
DRAGONFLY INN – LIVING ROOM
[Luke enters with his toolbox.]
LUKE: I've only got ten minutes. What do you need?
LORELAI: Oh! The banister's loose upstairs.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: The window in room three is stuck. The barn door's off its tracks again, and ooh, hey, did you bring your jackhammer?
LUKE: Did you hear the part about I've only got ten minutes?
LORELAI: Window in room three is stuck.
LUKE: Let's go.
[They walk over to the front desk to get the key to room three.]
LORELAI: But, if you fix it really quickly, the banister is right on your way back down, so really you might as well take a look at that, too.
LUKE [referring to the gift basket]: What's all this stuff?
LORELAI: That is my big, fancy present.
LUKE: From who?
LORELAI: From Mike Armstrong.
LUKE: Who the hell is Mike Armstrong?
LORELAI: He's my other lover. He owns a diner in Woodbury. I didn't want you to find out this way, but –
LUKE [reading the card]: The Durham Group.
LORELAI: Yeah, they're the hotel chain who wants to buy the inn.
LUKE: What are they sending you gifts for?
LORELAI: Well, either they're disproportionately worried about my cuticles, or they can't live without me and they are begging me to accept their offer.
LUKE: To buy the inn.
LORELAI: Yeah. They've been after me ever since that meeting.
LUKE: What meeting?
LORELAI: The meeting with Mike Armstrong.
LUKE: I didn't know you had a meeting with Mike Armstrong.
LORELAI: Yes, you did.
LUKE: No I didn't.
LORELAI: Yes you did. You told me to have a meeting with Mike Armstrong.
LUKE: I know, but you never said anything, so I figured it went away.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, I had a meeting with Mike Armstrong.
[She heads over to the stairs. Luke follows her, mystified.]
LUKE: And?
LORELAI: And what?
LUKE: And what happened?
LORELAI: Nothing. He talked, I listened. I told him I'd think about it.
LUKE: Think about it.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: About selling the inn. And then, after you sell the inn, then what?
LORELAI: I'd be like a consultant for their company.
LUKE: Is that what you want?
LORELAI: I don't know.
LUKE: Are you going to take this job?
LORELAI: Probably not. I'm still mulling.
LUKE: Mulling! You're still mulling? She's still mulling!
LORELAI: Why are you so upset?
LUKE: I'm not upset! I just can't believe you're still mulling!
LORELAI: Luke!
LUKE: I mean, you're seriously considering selling the inn and taking this job. I mean, where's their office, anyway?
LORELAI: They've got a bunch of them. I don't know where exactly I'd be.
LUKE: Well, shouldn't you ask?
LORELAI: Hello, mulling.
LUKE: I mean, they could send you anywhere!
LORELAI: Luke!
LUKE: And then there's all that travel. There's travel, right?
LORELAI: Yes. No, I don't know. What are you freaking out about?
LUKE [hysterical]: Well, what about the kids?
LORELAI: What kids?
LUKE: Uh, nothing. Never mind, forget it. I'm going to – [He points up the stairs.] Fix the window.
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: Room three. Got it.
[Lorelai looks after him, stunned.]
KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Lane enters.]
LANE: Mama! It's me, Lane!
MRS. KIM: Over here, in the twenty percent off section.
LANE: Am I disturbing you?
MRS. KIM: No. But it is past their bedtime. [She holds up two dolls, which she is putting away in a dollhouse.] That was a joke.
LANE: You're in a good mood.
MRS. KIM: I had a good day.
LANE: Sell a lot of things?
MRS. KIM: You would like to see my receipts?
LANE: No.
MRS. KIM: My inventory reports?
LANE: No, Mama, I was just making small talk.
MRS. KIM: You would like some tea?
LANE: No, I just want to tell you something.
MRS. KIM: All right. [They sit.] Tell me something.
LANE: It looks like the band may be breaking up. We've h*t a rut. We can't get enough gigs to get any momentum, and, I don't know. It's just not working.
MRS. KIM: I see.
LANE: I think I may need to move back home. I realize that if you allow me to do that, then I will have to abide by any rules you feel necessary. I also anticipate the words ‘Seventh Day Adventist college' will come up, so I'll go shopping for some Peter Pan collared shirts tomorrow.
MRS. KIM: No more band?
LANE: No more band.
MRS. KIM: You are not the daughter I raised!
LANE: What?
MRS. KIM [standing]: Kims don't give up!
[She marches away. Lane watches her.]
WESTON'S BAKERY – OUTSIDE
[Rory is waiting for Lorelai at a table. Lorelai walks up.]
LORELAI: Sorry, sorry, sorry. The inn was swamped. These bikers are like rabbits who don't eat carrots, too much sugar. [She sits down.]
RORY: Mm, sugar!
LORELAI: The fitness craze is completely lost on us.
RORY: I'm starving.
LORELAI: Me too. [She picks up a menu.] Hey, so how'd your final go?
RORY: It went well.
LORELAI: Yeah? And you finished packing?
RORY: All packed, all boxed. I just have one more trip to school and home and then I'm done.
LORELAI: Ah. It's going to be nice to have you home for a while.
RORY: I'm glad you feel that way.
LORELAI: Yeah. The place hasn't had a decent dusting since you left. [Rory rolls her eyes.] Hey, do you think today is the day we're finally going to go through all twelve layers of the twelve-layer German chocolate cake? The bikers have demonstrated the importance of challenging oneself.
[Rory is fidgeting nervously.]
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: I have to tell you something.
LORELAI: Okay. Wow, there's something about Weston's, it's always the place where we ‘talk'.
RORY: We could go somewhere else.
LORELAI: No, no, no. Tell me.
RORY [pauses, breathes deeply]: I have decided that I'm not going back to Yale next year.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly
RORY: I'm not going back to Yale next year.
LORELAI: But why?
RORY: Because I'm not sure that it's the right place for me. And I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with my life, and –
LORELAI: Since when are you not sure what you're going to do with your life?
RORY: Mom –
LORELAI: You've known what you wanted to do with your life since you were three. Be a journalist.
RORY: Maybe not.
LORELAI: Oh. This is about Mitchum Huntzberger.
RORY: No, it's not.
LORELAI: Rory, honey, I know that what he said hurt you, and that shook you up and you lost your confidence, but that was just one man's opinion.
RORY: It has nothing to do with what he said. And Mitchum Huntzberger happens to be the top newspaper guy in the country.
LORELAI: So what?
RORY: So if you're going to get one man's opinion, he's the one man you get.
LORELAI: You're not thinking. This is the man who doesn't want you to marry Logan.
RORY: That wasn't him. It was Logan's mother and his grandfather.
LORELAI: And you really think he's okay with it? I mean, his while family looks at you and sees Anna Nicole Smith, and they tell you that to your face, but he thinks you're swell and wants to pay for the honeymoon.
RORY: That's not why he said what he said.
LORELAI: He's messing with your mind. He has so many motives that have nothing to do with your abilities!
RORY: That's not true! He said I can't do it, so I can't do it!
LORELAI: Why are you so willing to believe this guy?
RORY: Logan agrees with him.
LORELAI: He said that? He told you he agrees with has father? Because if that's so, he's a fantastic boyfriend. Really, quite a catch.
RORY: No, he didn't say it. I could just tell.
LORELAI: How?
RORY: I could tell. He ranted about his father being a jerk, and speaking his mind, but he never said that he was wrong.
LORELAI: Rory, come on. What kind of logic is that?
RORY: It doesn't matter. This isn't about that. I told you. I just need some time.
LORELAI: You're making a mistake.
RORY: No, I'm not! This is normal! College kids take breaks like this all the time. You didn't go to college, so you don't understand.
LORELAI: No, I didn't go to college. I wasn't lucky enough to go to college.
RORY: Trust me, this is very normal.
LORELAI: No. You are not quitting Yale.
RORY: Yes I am!
LORELAI: You're acting incredibly immature. And I know it's because you're hurt, but you have got to get a grip! This is too important! You've been working towards Yale your whole life!
RORY: No. I was working toward Harvard my whole life.
LORELAI: Okay, fine. Then go to Harvard. That's cool.
RORY: I don't want to go to Harvard!
LORELAI: Then go to Princeton or Stamford or Columbia!
RORY: I want time off!
LORELAI: If you leave Yale now, you'll never go back. You'll lose momentum.
RORY: Momentum toward what? All I've been doing is working toward being a journalist! I'm not going to be a journalist, so what momentum am I losing exactly?
LORELAI: You don't want to be a journalist, fine! I don't care about that! But you stay in school, you take some classes, you figure out what you do want to be!
RORY: That's not what Yale is for!
LORELAI: That's what college is for!
RORY: Yale's expensive!
LORELAI: Are you paying?
RORY: I don't want to do that! I don't want to wander around a school where everyone else is focused and working toward something and I'm just floating!
LORELAI: So what's the great master plan, then, huh? You're going to move back home, live in your room, work part-time at the bookstore? Forget it. Not an option.
RORY: I'll figure it out.
LORELAI [grabs her purse]: I'm not hungry.
RORY: Look, I'm not going back. I just wanted you to know.
LORELAI: Message sent.
[She walks away. Rory leans back in her chair, miserable.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Caesar looks out the window.]
CAESAR: Luke, you were looking for Taylor?
LUKE: Yeah.
CAESAR: He's right outside.
[Taylor is standing in front of Luke's window, cheering on the bikers.]
TAYLOR: Go, Connecticut!
LUKE: I'll be back in a minute.
[He goes outside and follows Taylor across the street, not looking. Bikers fall all over the road trying to avoid him. Oblivious, he reaches Taylor on the other side.]
LUKE: Hey, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Uh, hello, Luke.
LUKE: You said I had three days, right?
TAYLOR: Three?
LUKE: For the house. Three days to back out.
TAYLOR: Well, I didn't say that, the law did.
LUKE: Fine, whoever said it, I want out.
TAYLOR: What?
LUKE: Forget the house! Forget the whole damn thing! I don't need it anymore.
TAYLOR: Why, Luke!
[Luke walks back to the diner, stepping over the fallen bikers.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE
[Richard and Emily have a quiet breakfast. They read the paper. Emily looks up.]
EMILY: I have a lunch with Sunny Kingsman today. And then I have to stop by the club at four. Some of the girls are having an impromptu birthday cocktail with Melly Rutkers. Though the last thing Melly needs is another excuse for a midday cocktail. [Richard continues to read silently.] I can stop by the cleaners on my way home if you want to have something pressed for your trip this weekend.
RICHARD: Uh-huh.
EMILY [realizing he's not listening]: And then after the cleaners I thought I'd run off with Marshall, the golf instructor at the club. Do you think you could manage to get your own dinner tonight?
RICHARD: That'll be fine, Emily.
[Emily rolls her eyes. The doorbell rings.]
EMILY: I wonder who that could be, first thing in the morning?
RICHARD: Perhaps it's Marshall, the golf instructor, unable to wait until after Melly's party to have you. I know I couldn't.
EMILY: You do surprise me, Richard Gilmore.
[Lorelai enters the dining room.]
LORELAI: Hey, um, I'm sorry to interrupt your breakfast.
EMILY: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Uh, I need to talk to you guys about something.
RICHARD: Is everything all right?
LORELAI: Well –
EMILY: Sit down, Lorelai. Davita, bring a coffee cup for my daughter!
RICHARD: I have to call the office if this is going to take long.
LORELAI: No, Dad, it won't, I just, um. I need your help.
EMILY: Call the office, Richard.
LORELAI: No, Dad. I promise, it'll be quick. Rory's quitting Yale.
RICHARD: What? What are you talking about?
[The maid brings Lorelai a cup of coffee.]
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: What do you mean, Rory's quitting Yale? Why would you joke about something like that?
LORELAI: What makes you think I'm joking?
EMILY: Because Rory would never quit Yale! This must be one of your bits. You scare us with something horrible, like Rory's quitting college, and then after we have a heart att*ck, you tell us you were just kidding. You're having a sex change operation.
LORELAI: Mom. Dad. I'm not having a sex change operation.
RICHARD: I don't understand this. Rory's doing beautifully at school. Why would she want to leave?
LORELAI: Okay, look. I know you love Logan and the Huntzbergers, and you already have the wedding invitations printed and ready to go, but I have to tell you these are not good people.
RICHARD: Meaning what?
LORELAI: Logan's mother and grandfather att*cked Rory at that dinner they invited her to. They told her she wasn't good enough to marry into the Huntzberger family, and she wasn't who they wanted for Logan.
EMILY: Not good enough?
LORELAI: Then Mitchum Huntzberger gave Rory that internship, theoretically to make up for that evening. He let her work for a while, he built her up, and then he clobbered her. He told her she doesn't have what it takes to be a journalist, and she needs to find something else to do with her life.
RICHARD [shocked]: What?
LORELAI: This happened on Friday night, Mom, that's why Rory wasn't at dinner. She was devastated. Then she went to find Logan at the yacht club, and the two of them stole a yacht!
RICHARD: No, stop it! Stop it, right now!
LORELAI: They were arrested and I had to pick Rory up from the Bridgeport police department.
EMILY: Oh, no.
LORELAI: Ever since she got involved with these people, things have been bad. She's up and she's down and she should be stronger than this, I know, but she's young and she's Rory and she's come so far, she's worked so hard. I just don't want her to lose this.
[Emily and Richard look at each other.]
RICHARD [pulls a notebook out of his pocket]: What do you want us to do?
LORELAI: Well, I've already told her that just coming home and bumming around Stars Hollow is not an option, and I was thinking Friday night at dinner we could triple-team her. I bet between the three of us we could knock some sense into her. But I really need the two of you to back me up on this.
EMILY: Well, of course we'll back you up! This is not happening!
RICHARD: How much trouble is she in with this yacht incident?
LORELAI: She's going to need a lawyer.
RICHARD: I'll call Charlie Newman.
EMILY: Are we sure we want to wait until Friday? Should we confront her now?
LORELAI: No, I think we should give her a chance to cool off a little, maybe some time will make her more receptive.
RICHARD: I agree with Lorelai. Give the girl some time.
EMILY: All right. Friday night it is.
LORELAI: Thank you. Just, thank you. [Richard smiles at her.] I should get going. Dad has to get to work.
EMILY: Would you like something to eat?
LORELAI: No. I just got everything I need.
[She gets up and leaves.]
ELDER GILMORE HOUSE – LATER
[Richard comes down the stairs.]
RICHARD: Davita, could you come here please?
[The maid hurries over to him.]
RICHARD: Look at these shoes and tell me, do these look like the same color to you? They're supposed to be the same color, they were bought at the same time, they've been residing in the same box. However, on closer examination, one of them seems a little faded. What do you think?
[The maid shakes nervously.]
RICHARD: What's the matter? I was just asking your opinion. Davita, stop that shaking right now. This is not a trick question. I just wanted an opinion from – oh, for heaven's sake. Go back to your work.
[She nods and leaves. The doorbell rings.]
RICHARD: So I guess I'll get that.
[He opens the door. It's Rory.]
RICHARD: Rory.
RORY: Can I come in?
RICHARD: Oh. Well, all right. Come in. I didn't expect to see you until dinner tonight.
RORY: I needed to talk to you.
RICHARD: Yes, well, your grandmother is running some errands and I was just doing some work in the house, so –
RORY: Well, I assume you've heard about everything by now.
RICHARD: Yes. Well, I believe I've heard some bits and pieces. You know, I really was in the middle of something Can this possibly wait until tonight? I'll give you my full attention, I promise.
[Rory starts to cry. Richard doesn't know what to do.]
RORY: Everything's falling apart. I messed everything up, I don't know what to do.
RICHARD: Your grandmother should be back any minute. [Rory cries.] I can have a maid make us some tea.
RORY [hugs him]: I'm so sorry, Grandpa! I'm so sorry about everything! I just, I don't know what to do. I don't.
RICHARD [hugs her back]: It's all right. Everything will be all right.
LANE'S HOUSE
[The members of the band are waiting for Lane. Gil is pacing, Brian is reading a book and Zach is playing video games.]
GIL: Where is she, dude?
ZACH: Don't know, man. I'm not a warden.
BRIAN: This is the second emergency band meeting in a week.
GIL: And time is pressing. I have a ten-pound salami sitting out in the van.
[Zach snickers.]
GIL: Do not giggle. [He gestures to his delivery uniform.] This is not nerdy. This is a job.
BRIAN: Hey, can one of you quiz me on the open house procedures?
ZACH: Level twelve, dude.
GIL: I'll do it. [He takes the book from Brian.] True or false. Simmering some apple juice and a couple of cinnamon sticks makes a pleasant aroma indicating ‘home' to prospective buyers.
BRIAN: True.
GIL: I'd add a little potpourri to the johns, too.
[Mrs. Kim bursts into the room, followed by Lane,]
ZACH: Geez!
MRS. KIM: All boys here?
ZACH: Yes.
MRS. KIM: Good.
LANE [smiling]: Guys. Guess what.
ZACH: Your mother just took ten years off my life?
LANE: We are going on tour.
BRIAN: We are?
GIL: What are you talking about?
[Mrs. Kim sits at the table and opens a thick binder.]
MRS. KIM: All of you. Gather round, please. [They look at each other, dumbfounded.] Do not stand there looking stupid! Move! [They obey.] Okay. You start at the First Lady of Our Sacred Heart on the fourth. The Church of the Open Hand on the sixth. Chapel Hill on the tenth. The big auditorium, not the Sunday school room.
ZACH: Are you sensing a pattern here?
GIL: Well, they do have kind of a horseshoe shape. It looks pretty well thought out.
ZACH: No. They're all churches.
LANE: Not churches. Theatres in churches.
MRS. KIM: I have contacts with the entire east coast's Seventh Day Adventist entertainment circuit. Dates back to my days in an all-girl Christian tambourine band.
ZACH: What?
MRS. KIM: I have you booked solid for two months. Families in each town will take you in, feed you, put you up –
GIL: I don't know. This seems a little weird.
MRS. KIM: Weird? What weird? You need to play, here's places to play. Nice places. Clean places. [She points at Gil.] Don't wear that outfit on stage.
GIL: It's my delivery outfit! Lane, tell her I don't dress like this.
MRS. KIM: I need to see your songs.
ZACH: Why?
MRS. KIM: To see if you need to make any adjustments. Lyrics must be clean.
ZACH: Okay, that's where we draw the line. We will not change our lyrics.
MRS. KIM: Oh, please. Prince made fifty-seven million take home last year. He didn't swear, and he mentioned God. Catch up. Okay, last problem. Transportation.
BRIAN: Hey, what about the van?
MRS. KIM: What van?
LANE: Gil's delivery van.
MRS. KIM: You have van?
GIL: Yeah. Right outside. Full of salami.
MRS. KIM: Let's see this van!
[She gets up and goes outside. Everyone follows her.]
ZACH: Lane! We can't go on some crazy Christian crusade tour!
LANE: It's a tour, Zach! It's a chance to play, to keep our band together. Isn't that important? Who cares where we're playing? Our music will be out there.
BRIAN: A tour would be kind of neat.
GIL: Brian, if you do a tour right, it could be way more than neat.
MRS. KIM: Gil, get over here!
GIL: Yes, ma'am!
MRS. KIM: This is your van?
[She opens the side door of the Volkswagen van.]
GIL: Yes. But it's not really big enough for a tour van.
MRS. KIM: What are you talking about? All twenty-seven girls and their tambourines would fit very nicely in here. Legs crossed, of course.
GIL: But –
MRS. KIM: Drums go there, bass goes there, guitars go there, Lane rides up front, and we get rid of the big salami. Pop the hood, I need to check the engine!
[She goes around to the back of the van.]
LANE: Okay, okay! I know. It's not perfect. It's not the Festival Express, but it could be really great. What do you say?
GIL: I think it's freaking crazy. Which also happens to be completely rock and roll. Let's do it!
LANE: Seriously?
GIL: Totally!
BRIAN: Century 21's been around for over thirty years. I'm sure they'll be here when I get back.
LANE: Zach?
ZACH: Well, geez, Dorothy, if Tinman and Lion are going to go, I guess I have to go too. [He pulls himself up like the Scarecrow.]
LANE: Yay!
GIL: Yeah!
[They group hug.]
MRS. KIM: Gil, get over here and pop the hood, now!
GIL: Yes, ma'am.
MRS. KIM: I haven't got all day.
GIL: I'm sorry.
MRS. KIM: You'll need new hoses, spark plugs, oil change.
GIL: Wait, let me write this down.
[Lane smiles. She is clearly thrilled.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE – FRONT DOOR
[The maid opens the door for Lorelai. Lorelai smiles at her.]
LORELAI: Hi.
DAVITA: Can I take your coat?
LORELAI: Thank you.
[She takes the coat and scurries off.]
EMILY [OS]: Lorelai, we're in here.
LORELAI: Oh, hey! I thought I'd come a little early so we could strategize.
[She walks into the living room.]
RICHARD: Sit down, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Okay. Uh, Rory should be here pretty soon, so –
RICHARD: Your mother and I have been talking about the situation. We have discussed the matter thoroughly, and we have come to a decision. [He pauses.] Rory will be taking some time off from Yale. She will be moving into the pool house here with us. We will find her some sort of suitable job through one of our friends, and then after a suitable amount of time has passed, we will revisit the subject of her returning to school.
[Lorelai looks blankly at her parents, then gets up and walks into the dining room.]
EMILY: Where are you going?
[They get up and follow her. Lorelai stares at the table.]
LORELAI: I was sitting right here. I came in, I sat right here, and we had the conversation, right? I mean, I'm not imagining it, right?
EMILY: Lorelai –
LORELAI: I had coffee, you had grapefruit –
RICHARD: Lorelai –
LORELAI: Dad was reading the paper, he had to go, so I said I'd make it quick, and we sat here, and we talked about how we were going to stick together and convince Rory to go back to school! That did happen, right? I mean, I'm not completely whacko.
RICHARD: Yes, it did happen.
LORELAI: I mean, obviously I'm a little whacko, because I came here for help in the first place, but I'm not totally delusional!
RICHARD: There were other things to consider.
LORELAI: You said you would back me on this! You said you weren't going to let this happen!
RICHARD: Rory is young. And I'm sure, once she's had some time and some space she will change her mind. But for now, this is what she wants to do. And we need to respect that.
LORELAI: Have you talked to Rory about this? Your great plan, does she even know about it?
RICHARD: Yes! She's fine with the arrangement.
LORELAI: So you went to her. Behind my back.
RICHARD: She came to me, Lorelai. She told me what she wanted in her own words!
LORELAI: Wow, so that does work occasionally with you, huh?
EMILY: This makes sense. We don't want her to move in with Logan, do we? And since you don't want Rory to move back home to Stars Hollow it just makes sense that she move in here with us!
LORELAI: I don't under -
RICHARD: To watch her. Keep her from getting into trouble. We can get her back on track! [Lorelai walks out.] You'll understand that once you calm down and think about it rationally!
[The front door closes.]
RORY'S POOL HOUSE
[Through the window, Lorelai sadly watches Rory unpacking boxes. Rory looks up and sees her. They look at each other for a moment. Rory breaks away and goes back to unpacking. Lorelai, hurt, walks away slowly.]
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
[The town is still decorated for the bike race. It is night time and Taylor is waiting at the finish line.]
TAYLOR: This is unacceptable! Completely unacceptable! What time is it?
KIRK: Ten o'clock.
TAYLOR: It's not! It is not ten o'clock! Is it ten o'clock?
KIRK [hesitates]: No.
TAYLOR: They were supposed to finish the race at twelve. That's twelve noon! When the sun is out and the press are here and the people are interested in buying t-shirts. Nobody buys t-shirts at ten o'clock at night!
KIRK: Sweatshirts, maybe.
TAYLOR: Well, we're not selling sweatshirts, are we? All that planning. I finally had to send the marching band home. It was past their bedtimes! I have never met such soft, whiney six-year-olds in my entire life. If this was Dickens' day, they all would have been sold to a cobbler by now.
KIRK: I think I see someone coming.
TAYLOR: Oh, really? At ten-ten they come rolling in, huh? [Yelling at the bikers] You're late! You're late! You're all late! You, and you, and you!
LUKE'S DINER
[Luke wipes the counter. Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI [quietly]: Rory dropped out of Yale.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: She dropped out of Yale and she moved in with my parents, who I went to for help, and they s*ab me in the back. Everything we worked for. All these years. Her whole future. She was supposed to have more than me. She was supposed to have everything. That was the plan. We had a plan.
LUKE: Okay, I'm sorry. I have to jump in here. Uh, I know you think you have this thing handled, but I can help. First off, we call Yale and we tell them something like, uh, Rory had a chemical imbalance and she was ment*lly out of her mind when she told them she was dropping out. And then we get her out of your parents house whatever way we can. We lock her up in her room with you, because you can talk anybody into anything. And if worse comes to worst, we will drive her to school every day and we will follow her to class and camp out there to make sure she goes. I'll take morning classes, you take afternoon classes, or the other way around, if it works out better for your schedule. And I know there's a few kinks to work out, the kidnapping thing might be a little problematic but either way, she is not quitting school. This was her dream. I am not going to let this happen.
[He takes a deep breath. Lorelai is gazing at him.]
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Luke, will you marry me?
LUKE: What?
_________________________END_____________________________ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "05x22 - A House is Not A Home"} | foreverdreaming |
Previously on Gilmore Girls. Scenes from the previous season.
(OPEN in Luke's Diner)
LORELAI: Luke, will you marry me?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Luke will you...
LUKE: Yes!
LORELAI: Well, you don't have to answer so...
LUKE: Yes!
LORELAI: We can take a minute to...
LUKE: No!
(they look at each other happy & surprised)
LORELAI: So..what now?
LUKE: I don't know. This is new for me.
LORELAI: We should do something official.
LUKE: Official..
LORELAI: Yeah! Something to commemorate the moment. I mean we're getting married (Lorelai rises from her chair), Luke. Married..You and me...Luke-table-for-one-Danes and Lorelai-I'm-sorry-can-I-get-an-industrial-forklift-for-my-emotional-baggage-Gilmore are getting (deep breath) married. Uh?
(They look at each other awkwardly. After a b*at)
LUKE: (after a b*at) We could toast.
LORELAI: Toast! Yes! Toast, good. What do we toast with? (Luke looks around) I mean I know you won't have champagne (Luke goes in the kitchen) but maybe some wine or bear or something?
LUKE: Nothing. I got nothing!
(Lorelai goes behind the counter and starts looking)
LORELAI: No, you must have something.
LUKE: Grapefruit juice or Worcestershire sauce
LORELAI: Neither sounds very festive.
LUKE: We can cut it with some festive ketchup
LORELAI: No, we need something sparkly! (after a b*at) Come on (she grabs his arm and starts dragging him to the door)
LUKE: Where are we going?
LORELAI: To Funkytown
LUKE: Hey! Wait! (they stop in front of the door)
LORELAI: What? Did you change your mind? Oh! How did I screw up so fast! Was the Funkytown thing too quippy, cause I thought you liked that about me but...
LUKE: No, the Funkytown thing was fine! I just...Are you sure you wan to celebrate now? I mean a minute ago when you came in here...
LORELAI: I just want to be happy right now. Okay?
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: Good! Come on!
LUKE: where are we going? (they exit the diner)
(CUT outside in front of the gazebo. Taylor is standing in front of the trophy table and Kirk is giving one of the bikers a massage)
KIRK: (to biker) Hey, am I doing this right?
BIKER1: What?
KIRK: Never mind.
TAYLOR: That?s great grandpa! Take your time, I have no home life! (Taylor looks at his watch) Six hours I've been standing here waiting for this ridiculous race to end! OK! That?s it! Race is OVER! (to woman standing behind the trophy table) Maggie I want you to start breaking all this stuff down. If I don't get these tables back by midnight I pay for another day.
MAGGIE: But we haven't given out the trophies to the winners yet!
TAYLOR: Who cares about giving out the trophies? There's noone here to see the winners get them except the losers, who I'm sure could give a rat's toushy if the winners get a trophy or not.
MAGGIE: OK. So do I put them back in the bubble rap..?
TAYLOR: (takes trophy out of Maggie?s hand) Just give it to me! Hey who was first?
BIKER2: (rises hand) Here.
TAYLOR: Congratulations (throws the trophy at him)! Who's second?
BIKER3: (gets up from a bench) Right here.
TAYLOR: (throws the trophy at him also) Here! Third? (throws the trophy to a random biker)
RANDOM BIKER: I wasn't third?
TAYLOR: Rat's toushy, party of one. OK, everybody listen up. I want this square packer up and cleared out in 10 minutes! (looks over at Dosee's Market. Luke & Lorelai are standing in front of the door. Taylor yells at them) Hey we're closed! The market is closed! What is wrong with people tonight?
(In front of the market door)
LUKE: It's closed!
LORELAI: Huh! These small town hours! I hate small town hours! As soon as we get married we have to move.
(Taylor walks up to them)
TAYLOR: Hey you two, what are you doing there?
LORELAI: Taylor, great! We need to get in.
TAYLOR: We open at six tomorrow.
LORELAI: OK, Taylor listen. You're going to be the first one to hear the big news.
TAYLOR: Do I have to hear it now? I have so many things to do...
LORELAI: Luke and I are engaged. (Luke puts his arm over Lorelai's shoulder and starts rubbing her back gently)
TAYLOR: You are?
LORELAI: As of just a few minutes ago.
TAYLOR: Well what do you know! I thought there was a better chance of all four of the Beatles getting back together than you two ever coming down enough to get engaged.
LORELAI: Oh well...Wonder of wonder, Miracle of miracles. Right? (Lorelai starts pointing to the door anxiously)
LUKE: Can you just open this door Taylor?
TAYLOR: What do you need in the store?
LORELAI: We need something to toast this moment with.
TAYLOR: Something alcoholic?
LORELAI: Yes!
(Taylor starts pulling Lorelai aside)
TAYLOR: You know, Lorelai, if you feel you have to be drunk to be with him maybe...
LUKE: (frustrated) Taylor will you just open the door?
TAYLOR: Oh, all right. (Taylor gets his keys out unlocks the door and lets them in)
(CUT in the market)
LORELAI: Where do you keep the champagne?
TAYLOR: (points at an aisle) Over there. Top shelf.
LORELAI: Where? (moves where he's pointed)
TAYLOR: Top shelf, top shelf!
LORELAI: Here?
TAYLOR: Well I'm out of ways of saying top shelf Lorelai.
(they reach the shelf. Lorelai grabs a bottle of champagne)
LORELAI: Taylor, its 5.99!
TAYLOR: It's inexpensive, yes, but you'll still get a buzz!
LORELAI: Luke did you find anything yet?
LUKE: Nothing! No wine, no beer, no cooking sherry! It's like Dylan Thomas just blew through town.
TAYLOR: I'm sorry. These bikers just wiped me out. They may look like health nuts, but they knock it back.
LORELAI: Oh, Taylor, you have to have something!
TAYLOR: Lorelai I'm sorry but...ooooohhh wait a minute! I think I have a case of Zima in the back (goes to the storage room)
LORELAI: (very excited starts jumping up and down) Really? Luke! He's got Zima in the back! He's got Zima in the back! (Luke puts a calming had on her arm)
TAYLOR: Yup! (Taylor comes out from the storage room holding up a case) Babette had me stocking it for a while. I was using it for a step stool, but I'm sure it's OK.
LORELAI: We'll take it!
LUKE: Let's just drive to Woodbridge. They have a liquor barn there.
LORELAI: NO! I don't want to drive to Woodbridge. I want to celebrate now.
LUKE: But men aren't supposed to drink Zima.
LORELAI: Pay the man.
TAYLOR: You can forget the tax. Consider it an engagement present. (Luke drops some cash on the case of Zima)
LORELAI: Thank you Taylor. (to Luke) Come on, get the Zima! (Lorelai stats to leave, Luke takes the case from Taylor, Taylor takes the cash of the box. They start moving to the door)
(CUT outside)
TAYLOR: Get those cables on the truck. Hustle, people! Hustle!
(Luke and Lorelai keep walking to the gazebo)
LUKE: where are you going?
LORELAI: I know the perfect toasting place.
LUKE: Is it far?
LORELAI: Which one of us is not getting into the romantic spirit?
LUKE: The one with the case full of chick beer under his arm.
(Some bikers are sitting around at the gazebo. Lorelai shoos them away)
LORELAI: Shoo! Shoo! Come on, Shoo!
(they are now standing on the nicely lit gazebo)
LORELAI: Here!
LUKE: Right here?
LORELAI: Right here!
LUKE: Oookay! (he puts the case down, and gets two bottles of Zima out. Hands one to Lorelai)
LORELAI: OK! So, Here's to us.
LUKE: To us!
(they are about to cling their bottles when the lights go out, and the town square is completely dark)
LORELAI: TAYLOR!
TAYLOR: The light guys go on golden time in five minutes!
LUKE: Taylor turn the light back on!
TAYLOR: Well fine! Apparently there's an oil well in the middle of Stars Hollow that no one told me about. Turn them back on Bugsy!
(lights come back on)
LORELAI: OK! I believe we were right about...(they cling their bottles) there. (they drink. Luke puts his hand on Lorelai's waist and starts to pull her in) Really? You're gonna kiss me now? You're so incredibly predictable.
(they kiss as the camera starts to pull back for a greater view of the gazebo)
OPENING CREDITS
(CUT to Luke's apartment, same night. Lorelai & Luke are lying in bed. Lorelai is about ready to fall asleep. Luke is sitting up, looking a bit anxious)
LORELAI: Was this mattress always this comfortable?
LUKE: I think so.
LORELAI: It feels so much more comfortable. We should drink Zima and have sex every single night.
LUKE: OK.
LORELAI: OK. Goodnight.
LUKE: Night. (Luke waits a b*at and starts in full rant mode) So I said "What about the kids?", I didn't mean "What about our kids?". I mean yes obviously "What about *OUR* kids?". But I didn't mean we had to have any kids, cause we don't, but we can, I just didn't want you to think that I was laying down some kind of a mandate, I mean kids it's plural so it sounds like a lot, but we can just have one kid, one's fine, or more if you want more, or we don't have to have any kids. We could just get a plant.
LORELAI: (sleepy) What?
LUKE: Nothing.
LORELAI: OK.
LUKE: I bought a house, Twickham House. I bought it for us, I don't have it any more, I could probably get it back, but I just thought you should know that I bought it. For the kids that we don't have to have. It's a big house and we don't have to fill it up with kids, we could get furniture, you know, go shopping for a couch or get some end tables. I hate shopping for furniture. For me kids are easier.
LORELAI: (still sleepy) I love shopping.
LUKE: Go to sleep.
LORELAI: OK.
LUKE: Is this really happening?
LORELAI: Yes it's really happening. (Luke starts to lie down. Lorelai suddenly is awake) You bought a house without telling me?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: A house? I mean a house is huge!
LUKE: Yeah, I know that's why I told you.
LORELAI: A house full of kids?
LUKE: And a plant! Don't forget the plant.
LORELAI: Please don't do that, OK? I mean any other address or life changing decisions, please include me in.
LUKE: I will! I am! I'm sorry! I won't! I will.
LORELAI: OK.
(they settle back in bed not facing each other)
LUKE: Sorry.
LORELAI: Kids would be good.
(they both smile)
(CUT to Luke's Diner, morning. Luke is serving customers. He's really pleasant)
LUKE: All right. Blueberry pancakes scrambled eggs
CUSTOMER WITH THE PANCAKES: I didn't ask for blueberry.
LUKE: Any oxidants are on the house today. Who wants coffee? Aahh! (Luke approaches a table) Here you go Trudy (pours her coffee). Hey, top that off for you Mac? HEy what do you say? Cup'o joe Jo?
(Patty & Babette enter the diner)
BABETTE: Where the hell is he?
PATTY: There! He's right there!
BARBETTE: Get over here you!
PATTY: I can't believe it! (both ladies are very excited they hug Luke and he hugs them back)
BABETTE: You finally did it you dumb son of a bitch! You finally got in there and closed the deal!
PATTY: Took you long enough!
LUKE: All right easy you two (Luke guides them to an empty table and they sit)
PATTY: You know we should be very mad at you.
LUKE: Why?
BABETTE: Because we had to find out from someone else that you and Lorelai are engaged.
PATTY: East Side Tillie (patty does a spitting sound)
BABETTE: She was spreading it around town like she was gonna be a bride's maid or something.
LUKE: Tillie is not going to be a bride's maid.
BABETTE: But it's true. You are engaged, right?
LUKE: Right.
BABETTE: So we want to hear the whole thing!
PATTY: The whole play by play.
BARBETTE: How did't happen?
PATTY: How'd you do it?
LUKE: Do what?
BARBETTE: How'd you propose to Lorelai?
LUKE: Oh...I..well...
BABETTE: Did you get down on one knee?
PATTY: Did you take her somewhere special?
BABETTE: Did you hide the ring in anything?
PATTY: Oh! like a glass of champagne or a canoli.
LUKE: Actually, I'm still working on the ring.
BABETTE: OH! so the proposal was spontaneous, huh?
PATTY: Oh the spontaneous proposals are the best, you know.
BABETTE: Yeah! Morey proposed to me spontaneously. (to Luke) Did I ever tell you the story?
LUKE: Um..No!
BABETTE: It was a brisk fall night, and Morey was on top (Luke reacts), no...wait, I was on top
LUKE: (wierded out) What?
BABETTE: Hold on! Stony Morrison was on top
LUKE: Babette!
BABETTE: We were playing Twister! Did I not mention that?
LUKE: No!
BABETTE: I probably should have
PATTY: Well enough about us, honey. Come on Luke, tell us how'd you do it?
LUKE: Well actually I didn't. Lorelai proposed to me.
BARBETTE & PATTY: (clearly disappointed) Oh...!?
PATTY: You went modern.
BABETTE: Well that's still OK sugar (puts a hand on his arm and starts rubbing it in comforting way). The important thing is you're getting married!
PATTY: (sounding very sorry for him) We're very happy for you Luke.
BABETTE: Yes we are.
PATTY: Yeah!
LUKE: Well thanks (looks a bit uncomfortable), I've got some work to do. I'll talk to you guys later.
(Luke gets up, and Patty & Babette watch him leave)
PATTY: She proposed...
BABETTE: Yeah. Well thank God he's got a good ass.
(CUT to outside, in front of the gazebo. Town Troubadour is singing. Lorelai walk past him and the camera follows her. She Stops and looks towards the TH)
(CUT to in front of the TH. A realtor is putting up an "For Sale" sign)
LORELAI: (to realtor) Hi
REALTOR: Oh! Hello there!
LORELAI: For sale again, huh?
REALTOR: Yes. We had an offer but the buyer backed out. (whispering) Toxic bachelor type. (back to normal volume) But we think it will move fast. It has all the original fixtures, great lighting, a ton of terrific potential.
LORELAI: Yeah it does.
REALTOR: You interested?
LORELAI: Oh..well, maybe.
REALTOR: (gives Lorelai an advertising flier. Lorelai takes it) It would be a great house for kids.
LORELAI: Oh..Please! Not you too.
REALTOR: I'm sorry, What?
(Lorelai's phone rings)
LORELAI: Oh, nothing. Sorry. Thanks!
(the realtor waves pleasantly and Lorelai walks away to answer the phone. She checks her caller ID, picks up the phone and keeps on walking. Scene cuts between Lorelai walking in the street and Richard at the mansion)
LORELAI: Hello.
RICHARD: Lorelai! Wonderful! How lucky that I caught you! Now a few things to go over. As you know Rory's court appearance is Tuesday at three. I've retained the services of Charlie Davenport as her attorney. Well you remember Charlie, Lorelai. He bought you a doll for your birthday once. Well he's coming over here tomorrow morning to discuss Rory's case. About eight thirty?
LORELAI: (soundind distant and stand offish) Sounds super.
RICHARD: You know Charlie doesn't usually take small case like this. He's doing the family a great favour.
LORELAI: (same attitude) Charlie sounds like a swell guy.
RICHARD: (starting to get upset) He is a swell guy and a top lawyer. You must remember him?
LORELAI: Sure he bought me a doll for my birthday once.
RICHARD: Well, do you have any questions?
LORELAI: Nope!
RICHARD: I have to say I thought you would have had more interest in this subject than you seem to.
LORELAI: Really? Huh? So is there anything else?
RICHARD: No, there isn't anything else! I just wanted to fill you in! Will we see you tomorrow morning?
LORELAI: For what?
RICHARD: (in the verge of yelling) For the meeting with Charlie Davenport!
LORELAI: (a bit sarcastic) Oh!? No! It sounds like you have everything under control.
RICHARD: (now obviously mad with her) Fine! I'll talk to you later!
LORELAI: Tell Charlie thanks for the doll for me!
(Lorelai hangs up. Richard puts the phone down clearly upset with how the conversation went).
(CUT to pool house. Rory is sleeping. Emily and a maid come in the room)
EMILY: (very brightly) Good morning! You're still sleeping? My goodness, you're young! These are the good days (Emily opens the curtains)! There is plenty of time to sleep when you've gone up a couple of dress sizes. (Rory rubs her eyes) Is it stuffy in here? (Emily opens up more curtains. Rory is about to lay back down but the maid pulls the pillows from under her head) So, let's talk about this room. (Emily picks up some painting samples)Now that you're staying here I thought we could spruce the place up. Individualize it to your taste.
RORY: You don't have to do any...
EMILY: I've been dying to get my hands on this dump for ages. And now I finally have an excuse (pins up a paint sample on a door and looks at it). Huh? Well that?s insane (rips the paper off the door and throws it down. To Rory) You want Hosanna to draw you a bath?
RORY: No.
EMILY: Hosanna, draw Rory a bath please. Hosanna has a pot of coffee for you in the other room. Interested?
(Rory nods. They walk to the main room of the pool house. The kitchen counter is filled with breakfast goodies)
RORY: Wow!
EMILY: I brought some fabric samples to flip through.
RORY: The coffee smells amazing!
EMILY: There's cream in the fridge.
RORY: When did you have time to do all this?
EMILY: Oh! It's amazing what you can get done before eight thirty in the morning. Now I've got some things for you. (Emily opens up a small envelope with keys and notes) Key to the pool house, key to the main house, key to the garage (holds up some keys). The security alarm code, the security alarm password, the number of the security company (Emily points the numbers on a small piece of paper). Now the code to the panic room is: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1. Don't write it down. And whatever you do, don't tell the maid. They tell their children and then their children grow up and rob you. Now is this all your things or is there more still at school?
RORY: Uh...No. I have a lot more...at mum's.
EMILY: Oh! Well don't you worry, I'll take care of that. Did you try the danish? I bought it at an organic bakery. (Rory picks at a danish)
RORY: So...How'd it go last night?
EMILY: Hum?
RORY: With mum? Was she mad? I mean of course she was mad. But was it a bad mad?
EMILY: Well you know your mother, Rory. Everything is the end of the world. So dramatic. Ladies and Gentlemen Lorelai Barrymore. But don't you worry. She'll calm down, just give it some time.
RICHARD (through the intercom): Hello? Is anyone there? (Rory looks surprised, Emily looks very happy) Come in please?
RORY: What's that?
EMILY: It's just the intercom. (to Richard through the intercom) Yes Richard we're here and we read you!
RICHARD (through the intercom): Copy that Emily. Is Rory up yet? Charlie Davenport is here for our meeting.
EMILY: Well of course she's up, Richard. Please! Do you think she'd still be asleep at eight thirty in the morning? I have her here looking at fabric samples. We'll be done in a minute and I'll send her right in. (to Rory) We better get you in that bath.
(they start walking back to the bedroom)
RORY: I didn't know there was an intercom.
EMILY: Isn't that wonderful? We're just a push button away. Like Star Treck. (yells at the maid) Hosanna! We're coming in.
(CUT to Richard's study they are all drinking coffee. Richard & Charlie are telling old stories laughing. Rory looks bored)
RICHARD: I don't think that duck stopped flying until it h*t Paraguay
CHARLIE: If then...
RICHARD: And then of course we came home completely empty handed. Nothing but our whistles in our hands.
CHARLIE: You came home empty handed. I came home with the Mittland case.
RICHARD: Yes, that's right! On this trip we met Argus Mittland, CEO of Windermier Technologies. Paid for his 32 million dollar main estate and his wife's new lower half, with the companies pension funds.
CHARLIE: 94 million dollars in accounting fraud.
RICHARD: They had him red-handed. On tape, e-mails. The man was guilty as sin. Where is he now Charlie?
CHARLIE: Los Angeles. He just bought Ellen DeGeneres's house.
RORY: So, you got him off?
RICHARD: And successfully sued for deformation of character. If you knew the number of truly guilty criminals put back on the street by this man here, you'd never believe in the criminal justice system again.
CHARLIE: Now Richard, I just realised we've spent so much time talking about ourselves we haven't discussed Rory's case at all. She must have a million questions. Go on Rory. What would you like to know.
RORY: Well, I guess I would just like to know, what's going to happen?
CHARLIE: (approvingly) Good question. Richard, that is a good question!
RICHARD: She's a Gilmore.
CHARLIE: Well, Rory, the first that's going to happen is, I'm going to have a little face to face with the prosecutor that's handling your case. We'll go over things, I'll take him out for a cup of coffee..
RICHARD: Just don't take him duck hunting!
CHARLIE: (he laughs a bit) And then we will agree on a plea bargain.
RORY: Really? No trial?
CHARLIE: Hell, no! Considering you're first time offender with demonstrably excellent character. Not to mention your family is standing in the community. The most you'll get is a little Community Service, ten hours give or take. Sound good?
RORY: Yeah, sounds very good.
RICHARD: Embezzle a pension fund and you'll really see what he can do.
CHARLIE: Now Richard, I'm afraid I must be going. (they all start to get up)
RICHARD: We appreciate you coming over like this.
CHARLIE: Of course. It's a pleasure meeting you Rory.
RORY: You too.
RICHARD: I'll walk you out Charlie.
CHARLIE: And I'll see you on Tuesday young lady.
RORY: Thank you Mr Davenport. I swear I will never need your help again.
CHARLIE: I'm sure you won't.
(Rory exits)
CHARLIE: Charming girl
RICHARD: She certainly is.(they start walking out of the study)
(CUT to pool house same day. Rory enters it and she looks around surprised. It is now empty, but a few arm chairs with some fabric samples and notes saying "Sit On Me" pined on them. Rory sits on one of the chairs and looks around)
(CUT to pool house bedroom, night. Rory walks in. We hear a door opening)
PARIS: Rory?
RORY: In here!
(Rory puts on her jacket, Paris walks in)
PARIS: You live here?
RORY: Home, sweet home.
PARIS: Aren't you worried that one night you're gonna sleepwalk right into that pool and drown?
RORY: I am now.
PARIS: Stuff's in here (points at the closet)?
RORY: Go to town.
PARIS: I'm meeting more of Doyle's family tonight. I've been meeting people for months. (she goes through Rory's clothes) He's got like five hundred cousins, and you know what? He's the tallest one in the family.
RORY: Really?
PARIS: Yup. Family get-together is like a Lollipop guilt convention. I have to stop myself from asking how it's going at the chocolate factory.
RORY: Good, good. Get it all out now.
PARIS: (picks out a dress) This isn't half bad.
RORY: There's a belt in there somewhere that matches.
PARIS: So I have a matter to discuss with you. Doyle and I have decided to move in together.
RORY: Hey! Congratulations!
PARIS: Thanks. We found a great duplex right near campus. Lots of room, separate bathrooms and it's a two bedroom. So I was thinking maybe, you'd like to move in with us?
RORY: Very Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice. Minus Bob.
PARIS: Now, it wouldn't be till school started, cause it's rented till then, but I think it could be a perfect situation.
RORY: It's a nice offer Paris, but I can't. I'm not going back to school.
PARIS: You're pregnant.
RORY: NO!
PARIS: Sick? You look pasty.
RORY: I'm not sick.
PARIS: Well I know your National Guard unit didn't get called up, so what's the story.
RORY: I'm just taking some time off.
PARIS: No! You don't take time off.
RORY: Did you find what you need, cause I have to finish getting ready. (Rory leaves, Paris follows her)
(CUT to pool house main room, continuous)
PARIS: What happened? Something must have happened!
RORY: Nothing happened. People take time off. Einstein took a year off.
PARIS: Yeah. After he discovered three laws of physics.
RORY: (pours herself a cup of coffee) I do not have to defend my life to you. I'm a grown up! I'm independent! I'm on my own!
PARIS: You have no furniture.
RORY: Well I'm redecorating. I want to individualize it, to my taste.
PARIS: Oh! I get it. I know what this is all about.
RORY: No you don't!
PARIS: Sure I do.
RORY: Paris just take what you need and go, ok?
(Logan walks in the pool house)
LOGAN: Hey! Sorry I'm late (kisses her cheek)
RORY: It's ok.
LOGAN: Paris.
PARIS: (looks at him in a funny way, and starts to walk out. As she's passing by him) YOU! (exits)
LOGAN: (looks at Paris confused. To Rory) I think vacations are coming at just the right time for her.
RORY: I'm ready. Lets go.
LOGAN: (looking around at the pool house) Did you get robbed? (Rory makes a dismissive gesture and they exit)
(CUT to Luke's diner. Luke is wrestling with the cash register, Joe is sitting on a stool at the counter)
LUKE: Come On!
JOE: You should get a real cash register, Luke.
LUKE: It's called character, Joe. It?s items like this that give a place character.
(Kirk comes in the diner with a suitcase in hand)
KIRK: Good evening Luke!
LUKE: Sit down Kirk. I'll be right with ya.
KIRK: I am not interested in food Luke. I'm here on business. I hear you might be in the market for a ring. Or should I be talking to Lorelai?
LUKE: Go away Kirk.
KIRK: Well then it's your lucky day. (Kirk opens up the suitcase) Because I happen to be in posetion of the finest estate ring collection in Connecticut. And since you are a friend, I'm prepared to make you a great deal. Or will Lorelai be the one paying for it?
LUKE: No, she will not be paying for it Kirk.
KIRK: Aaahhh! East Side Tillie called it wrong this time.
LUKE: Look! I'll take care of finding the ring, OK? (Luke approaches Kirk's table)
KIRK: You sure you don't want to take a look before you toss me out?
LUKE: No I don't! (Luke takes a glance at the suitcase filled with rings, and starts staring)
KIRK: Nice, heh?
LUKE: (takes a closer look at the rings) Well...Yeah. They are nice (sits down). Really nice! Wow! Look at this one (picks up a ring). This is perfect! It looks like Lorelai.
KIRK: It sure does.
LUKE: And these are real?
KIRK: Yes they are.
LUKE: I mean real diamonds, not "They exist" real?
KIRK: Diamond and platinum. I have a certificate of authenticity for every one of these babies.
LUKE: Kirk, where did you get all these rings?
KIRK: I befriend really old women.
LUKE: Excuse me?
KIRK: Really old women need companionship, Luke. They are really old. Most people they know are d*ad. So when someone comes along, and they are not d*ad and they'll listen to their stories and care about their dosage, they are grateful.
LUKE: Are you serious?
KIRK: Serious as a heart att*ck. Which is how I got that ring you're holding right now. So what do you think?
LUKE: I think you've got some great choices here.
KIRK: Good. Actually I have a lot of sympathy for what you're going through.
LUKE: What are you talking about, Kirk?
KIRK: Well, Lorelai proposing to you like that. Stealing your thunder. It's gotta be embarrassing and a little upsetting. Now you'll never have that moment. You don't get to be the romantic one, the one to sweep her off her feet. That's gotta hurt.
LUKE: I'm fine Kirk.
KIRK: Well, sure! What else are you going to say? You know I've been getting pretty close to proposing to Lulu myself. And when I heard what happened to you, it really freaked me out. I mean if Lorelai can just spring it on you like that, what's to stop Lulu from springing it on me?
LUKE: Your creepy friendships with really old women might do the trick.
KIRK: Well I've been avoiding her for two days. Hanging up on her really quickly when she calls. She may be mad, but there?s no way she's going to rob me of my moment.
LUKE: Well, don't you feel sorry for me, Kirk. I'm going to have my moment.
KIRK: But it's gone.
LUKE: Trust me, I'll have it. Case closed. Now here (hands him the ring he was holding), I'll take this one.
KIRK: Ah! Old widow Mason. Thought she was Frida Chalo toward the end.
(CUT to alley. We see a sign that says "Rich Man's Shoe Bar & Grill". Rory and Logan are walking down the alley towards the bar)
RORY: So drink, dinner, movie? That's really what we're doing tonight?
LOGAN: I don't understand why you just won't believe me? I'm tired. I just want a mellow evening with my girlfriend.
RORY: Last time you were mellow you had a 104 fever. And even then we went bar hoping for an hour before you fainted.
LOGAN: Men do not faint. Men pass out. Drink, dinner, movie. That?s it.
RORY: Fine
(Logan kisses her and leads her to the bar door. The door opens and the bar is filed with people dressed like the Daltons when in prison. They start singing "For she's a jolly good felon". Logan conducts them a bit. Gives Rory a hug and a kiss. Rory seems happy with the surprise)
LOGAN: After the party that is
(Juliet puts one of the felon caps on Rory and Finn gives her a hug and a kiss)
(CUT to Lorelai's house, living room, same night. Luke is sitting on an armchair looking bored and flipping through a magazine)
LUKE: (exasperated) How much longer?
LORELAI (OS from upstairs): Oh..Sorry! There is a purse-shoe incident that thr*at the entire outcome of the ensemble. It's technical. You wouldn't understand.
LUKE: I don't want to understand. I want to leave. I'm starving.
LORELAI (OS from upstairs): Watch TV.
LUKE: How is that a response to I'm starving?
(someone knocks on the door)
LORELAI (OS from upstairs): Heeeyy! Why don?t you answer the door? That will be fun for ya!
LUKE: I'm not bored because I'm six. I'm bored because you told me to pick you up at seven and it's eight thirty!
(Luke walks to the door and opens it. Paris is there)
PARIS: Who are you?
LUKE: Well, I...
(Paris cuts him off and barges in)
PARIS: I need to talk to Lorelai. Where is she?
LUKE: Well she's...
PARIS: Lorelai? Where are you?
LORELAI (OS from upstairs): Who's that?
PARIS: It's Paris, and I need to talk you right now! (to Luke) Who are you?
LUKE: Well I tried to tell you...
(Lorelai comes down the stairs)
LORELAI: Paris! Hey, what are you doing here?
PARIS: Are you busy? Is this a bad time?
LORELAI: No we're just getting ready to go out. It's fine. Have you met Luke?
PARIS: No.
LUKE: I'm Luke.
PARIS: Paris.
LUKE: Nice to...
(Paris diverts her attention from Luke and turns to Lorelai)
PARIS: Rory's quitting Yale! I just went to see her and she told me she's quitting Yale. Did you know about this?
LORELAI: Yes, I did.
PARIS: It's Logan. That Christopher Atkins wannabe is the reason that she's suddenly Blue Laggooning it right out of school.
LORELAI: Paris...
PARIS: I don't understand? Why are you letting her do it?
LORELAI: I have no choice.
PARIS: Yes, you do. You can stop her. You can pull some of that Super Mum crap that you always do and get her to change her mind.
LUKE: Yup!
PARIS: Rory can't quit Yale! We have to do something.
LUKE: I agree.
PARIS: I mean we should kidnap her. Drag her back here and tie her up, and not let her loose until she oblistens to reason.
LUKE: Yes!
LORELAI: Luke!
LUKE: Hey, my suggestion first.
PARIS: I need her to be at Yale. (Paris & Lorelai sit on the couch) Rory has been my only real competition since she showed up at Chilton. She's the only one who?s ever challenged me. She's my pace car. She's my Bjorn Borg. Without her I'll get lazy. I'll fall apart. I'll have frosted hair and dragon lady nails, I'll achieve nothing. I'll become my mother.
LORELAI: Paris, listen to me. You are a very smart, driven young lady. You can be anything you want. Except a diplomat. You don't need Rory to push you.
PARIS: Rory is my only friend. She stays in the room until I'm completely done saying something. I need that.
LORELAI: Listen. I know I'm not Rory, but if you need to talk to someone you can always call me.
PARIS: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah! I mean I'll give you my cell phone number. It's basically my lifeline. You take it and you use it.
PARIS: I can really call you?
LORELAI: Anytime, anywhere! (writes the number down and give it to Paris)
PARIS: I'm going to hold you to that.
LORELAI: It's not a thr*at sweetie. It?s somebody who makes the offer willingly.
PARIS: OK! Thanks! Sorry to bother you. (walks to the door) Bye Luke. (exits)
LUKE: Nice to...(Paris is already gone)
LORELAI: And that concludes the floorshow portion of the evening. I'll get my purse and we'll go.
(CUT to kitchen. Lorelai walks in Luke follows)
LUKE: So what are you gonna do?
LORELAI: About what?
LUKE: You know about what.
LORELAI: Nothing.
LUKE: Come on!
LORELAI: Come on, let?s just go!
LUKE: no, we haven't talked about this.
LORELAI: Because there's nothing to talk about.
LUKE: Yes there is.
LORELAI: Luke, this is Rory's decision, OK. She knew exactly how I felt about the situation and she chose to ignore me, she chose to move in with my parents, she chose not to tell me about it...
LUKE: She's a kid.
LORELAI: She's not a kid. She's twenty. She's going to be twenty-one in October. She's been living on her own for two years now. She?s not a kid.
LUKE: OK fine. But she's young.
LORELAI: And young people have to be allowed to make mistakes. I much a bigger mistake than this when I was much younger.
LUKE: Oh, so what!? Just because you made it on your own Rory has to also?
LORELAI: That's not my point.
LUKE: Then what is your point?
LORELAI: My point is, that I wouldn't have listened to anyone in that situation, even if there was someone to listen to. I had to go through that. And Rory has to go through this. Now she's smart and she's strong and hopefully she'll figure it out but I'm not going to force my way in. She wants to be on her own? Fine she's on her own.
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: Tough love baby.
LUKE: So, that's it?
LORELAI: That's it.
LUKE: And you are OK with this?
LORELAI: I'm totally OK with this. Come on let's go. I thought you were starving.
(they walk towards the door)
LUKE: Did you give Paris your really cell number?
(CUT to the bar. Rory, Logan, Finn, Colin, Rosemary & Juliet are sitting at the bar drinking beer. They're sharing stories. Logan doesn't look very amused)
FINN: My best sloth year I believe was h*m* year. I went to Spain for a week to immerse myself in Cervantes, wound up staying for two months and almost join the French foreign legion.
RORY: But you were in Spain!
FINN: Yes! But Sinatra didn't sing about the Spanish foreign legion.
JULIET: Could you pass me three peanuts (Rory gives her the peanuts)?
COLIN: Two months is nothing!
FINN: OH! So you think you can outdo me?
COLIN: Freshman year, four and a half months cross country road trip. This was pre-navigational systems people.
FINN: Junior year. I dropped my things off at my dorm room, jumped on a plane to Australia and surfed until Christmas.
COLIN: You did not!
FINN: I did!
COLIN: Where was I?
FINN: In class like a good little boy.
ROSEMARY: Amazing! They're actually having a loser off!
COLIN: Oh, look how she mocks! The girls stayed home for a month after she had a tragic haircut.
ROSEMARY: It wasn't a tragic haircut! It was apocalyptic highlights. I looked like a Tim Burton character!
JULIET: Two more peanuts. Little ones.
COLIN: Hey, Logan! Do you remember that time that you left the classroom to make an entrance for that mock debate, and you ended up in Atlantic City?
LOGAN: Vaguely!
FINN: Now this man here, my darling, is long raining King Of the Sloths!
COLIN: That's right. Noone can waste time like this man here.
RORY: Really?
LOGAN: No! Now who wants to drink?
COLIN: Oh! He's just being modest! Logan has the talent for doing nothing, yet to be matched by man or actual sloth.
JULIET: OK! I feel a lipstick crisis coming on. (Gets off her stool) I'll be right back!
ROSEMARY: I'll go with you.
RORY: (to Logan) King Of the Sloths, huh? I don't know? This year I might give you a run for your money.
COLIN: Oh, really?
RORY: Yes! All kings must be dethroned eventually. And this year that crown will be mine.
COLIN: All hail Rory Gilmore future Queen Of the Sloths!
FINN: All hail! All right, time to make the rounds. See which one of these lovely females is soused enough to find my arrogance charming.
RORY: Finn. Have you ever thought about just wooing a woman? Flowers, chocolates a little slow jam in the backround?
FINN: Slow jams are for the subtle Rory. One too many has a delightful immediacy. You coming Colin?
COLIN: Absolutely!
(the boys leave)
RORY: I wonder how beer tastes with ice cream in it.
LOGAN: I give you one month.
RORY: To do what?
LOGAN: Before you are back in school. One month.
RORY: You are wrong!
LOGAN: Nope!
RORY: (mock disappointment) I cannot believe how little faith you have in me! I mean what kind of match would I be for you, if I just went running right back to a life of respectability, without even attempting to join the French foreign legion.
LOGAN: You love school.
RORY: Not anymore!
LOGAN: NO! You love school! I saw it! That doesn't just go away!
RORY: Well I have reformed! All right? From now on no more scheduling, no more planning I am just going to spend my days making ice cream-beer floats and just taking life as it come. You'll see! New me.
LOGAN: If you say so.
RORY: I do say so!
(she kisses him. Rosemary & Juliet are back)
JULIET: (to Rory) Come on, come on! I love this song!
ROSEMARY: We need to dance the booze off and sober up a little or else one of us (points to her chest) is going home with Finn.
RORY: (to Logan) This is for a good cause.
LOGAN: Take her!
RORY: OK! Save my seat. And order me a scoop of vanilla
(the girls go to the dance floor and start dancing and leave Logan at the bar)
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn, morning. Michel is sitting behind the from desk and looks irated. A biker is flipping through a magazine, leaning on the front desk. He appears to be very sweaty and very cheery)
BIKER: (to Michel) You have a really nice place here. Really! I slept incredible last night. I woke up to birds singing. Seriously! This town is so great. I just had to take one last early morning ride around the town before I checked out. I can't wait to tell people about this place!
MICHEL: Could you move your arm please?
BIKER: Huh?
MICHEL: Your arm. That one.
BIKER: OK!
(the biker removes his arm. Michel get a spray and a cloth out and starts to clean the desk, in front of the biker. Lorelai approaches)
LORELAI: (to biker) Hi! (starts to drag him away from the desk area by taking his bill out of his hands) So how is your bill looking? Everything OK?
BIKER: Yeah, my bill's fine.
LORELAI: OK, well I'll put this in an envelope for you and I'll be right back. It's been a pleasure having you stay with us. (the biker leans against the wall and Lorelai walks back to Michel) Hand me an envelope and don't do that again.
MICHEL: He's sweating all over the desk.
LORELAI: Plus he's paying a six hundred dollar hotel bill.
MICHEL: I don't care! He smells. They all smell. The whole Inn smells like sweat socks and damped nylon shorts. It's making me sick. I have to work at that desk. And I have no intention of catching jock itch on my forearm because Mr Breaking Away over there can't shower before he inv*de my den space.
LORELAI: Michel, just chill out with the spray. OK?
MICHEL: Fine!
LORELAI: Thank you.
MICHEL: By the way your mother called a few minutes ago. She says she wants to pick up the rest of Rory's things and she will be at your house at eleven.
LORELAI: Fine. (the biker is about to sit on the little sofa on the den area. Lorelai stoops him just in time) Hey! Oh! There's your bill there (hands him the envelope)! So everything all set with your bags?
BIKER: Yeah!
LORELAI: Good! Well thank you for staying at the Dragonfly we hope to see you soon and the carts outside to take you to your car.
BIKER: OK, Thanks! (Puts the magazine down at a table in the den area)
LORELAI: Thank you! (the biker leaves. Lorelai looks at the magazine he put down, gets a trash can from near by and throws the magazine in the garbage with her foot). Michel!
MICHEL: I'm all over it! (Michel approaches the wall the biker was leaning on with the spray and the cloth and starts cleaning)
(CUT to Lorelai's house. Emily is walking up the stairs to the door. She knocks. Michel opens the door)
MICHEL: Hello. Won?t you come in.
EMILY: (a bit shocked) All right. Thank you. (they walk to the living room) What are you doing here?
MICHEL: I was sent to open the door like a servant. (he sits on the couch and starts reading a magazine)
EMILY: What? Where is Lorelai?
MICHEL: I don't know. She doesn't keep the help informed.
EMILY: She's not here?
MICHEL: Nope. I am here. I am here and not at the Dragonfly Inn, which I theoretically run, when I'm not busy answering doors like Benson.
EMILY: I don't understand. You gave her my message?
MICHEL: I gave her your message and she told me to come over here and let you in. Like I'm a puppy fetching slippers and giving my puff for a liver treat.
EMILY: But...I don't...Did she leave anything for me?
MICHEL: She left me.
EMILY: (confused) But...I just...I can't...Well this is absolutely incredible! Does she think this is a funny thing to do? (starts walking to Rory's room) I drive all the way from Hartford. (CUT to Rory's room. Emily walks in, the place is a mess) She did nothing! Nothing is packed! Nothing is ready to go! (Emily exits the room. CUT back to living room) Where are Rory's good clothes?
MICHEL: I don't know. But I will continue to search for them franticly.
EMILY: Are you just going to sit there?
MICHEL: I was instructed to stay until you leave.
EMILY: Like a need to be watched. Like I'm a meth-head stealing a television set to support my habit. Well this is completely unacceptable. RORY NEEDS SOMETHING TO WEAR TO COURT!
MICHEL: I'm sorry if you're talking to me you have to do it in woofs.
EMILY: You've been working with my daughter way to long.
MICHEL: Dooon't I know it!
(CUT to courtroom. Emily is fussing over Rory's outfit. Richard & Charlie are chatting)
CHARLIE: Well, I have to say this is a charming little courtroom. Reminds me of my early days practising law.
RICHARD: It is quaint. (the men laugh a bit)
EMILY: I hope we picked out the right outfit here. It's coming off a little more Mennonite than I had hoped.
RICHARD: The girl looks fine Emily. Leave her alone.
CHARLIE: (to Rory) Are you nervous.
RORY: NO.
CHARLIE: And you shouldn't be. Everything will be fine. It will be over before you know it.
POLICE OFFICER: Court calls the state versus Lorelai Gilmore.
(Richard & Emily leave and sit it the back Rory and Charlie sit on the defendant?s table)
CHARLIE: (to Rory) Who is Lorelai Gilmore?
RORY: I am. That's my real name.
CHARLIE: Good thing I found out about that now. It could have been a little embarrassing latter.
EMILY: (whispering) Rory! Rory! Unbutton the sweater a little.
RICHARD: Emily, stop it.
EMILY: I don't want it to look like she's trying to hard.
JUDGE: I understand that a plea agreement has been reached.
PROSECUTOR: That's correct your honour.
JUDGE: Miss Gilmore please stand. (Rory and Charlie stand up) You understand that you're pleading guilty to criminal mischief in the 3rd degree in violation of section 117A of the penal code? (Rory looks around in the courtroom in search of someone)
CHARLIE: Yes your honour.
JUDGE: You further understand that by so doing you wave your right to a trial via jury of your piers?
RORY: I do.
JUDGE: I see that Community Service is recommended.
PROSECUTOR: Miss Gilmore has no prior record, your honour. No history of getting into trouble.
JUDGE: (with disbelief) Twenty hours of Community Service?
CHARLIE: this was a youthful indiscretion your honour. A one time childish lark. My client is duly remorseful, and I can assure you it will never happen again. (Richard & Charlie looked pleased with each other)
JUDGE: (to Rory) I see you're a student at Yale.
RORY: Yes your honour.
JUDGE: That's a very nice school. Prestigious.
RORY: Yes your honour.
JUDGE: I understand that the defence is portraying this as a childish lark. A youthful indiscretion. Well I take the law very seriously. And if there is one thing I have very little tolerance for, it's rich, privileged children viewing the world as their private playground. I don't care who you are. I don't care who your family is (Richard & Emily don't look pleased). When you commit a crime Miss Gilmore, there must be consequences. Period. Twenty hours of Community Service won't do it! I'm ordering three hundred hours of Community Service, to be completed in no more than six months (Richard & Emily react), and one year?s probation.
RORY: But, I can't do three hundred hours. I have to get a job.
JUDGE: Well add that to your list of things you should have thought about before you decided to joy ride on someone else's boat.
RICHARD: Three hundred hours? This is outrageous. Charlie? (Charlie gestures to Richard to calm down)
JUDGE: Now, assuming this is indeed a one-time occurrence, at the end of five years time Miss Gilmore can petition the court to have this expunged from her record.
EMILY: Record? She's going to have a record? Oh my God!
RICHARD: (stands up and approaches Charlie) You never said anything about a record?
CHARLIE: Richard, please!
RICHARD: Oh, don't Richard please me you two-bit double-talker!
JUDGE: (to Richard) Who are you? Sit down!
RICHARD: I am her grandfather, Richard Gilmore. This is outrageous. (starts pacing in the courtroom)
EMILY: I never should have let her go with the ponytail.
JUDGE: You are going to have to restrain yourself, sir.
RICHARD: I will not restrain myself. I will not stand by, and let this girl walk around with a record for five years.
EMILY: Richard! You're standing on my foot!
RICHARD: (to Charlie) I should have never listened to you. Making deals with a twenty-year-old child in a cheap suit.
PROSECUTOR: Hey!
JUDGE: I'm not duty bound to do so, but I'm happy to give Miss Gilmore the opportunity to withdraw her plea and go to trial. If she does so she'll face additional felony charges. Given the undisputed facts, I'd think very hard about that course of action
RICHARD: Well I think it's something to consider.
RORY: Grandpa, NO! I don't want to go to trial. I'll do the Community Service. Please, just sit down.
EMILY: Richard, sit down.
RORY: I do not want to withdraw my plea your honour.
JUDGE: All right. I will consider this matter settled. Court will recess for twenty minutes. (exits)
POLICE OFFICER: All rise.
CHARLIE: This is not that big a deal. We got a little more Community Service than we wanted.
RICHARD: (approaches Charlie & Rory. To Charlie) You're a lousy duck hunter Charlie. It wasn't the weather and it wasn't the duck call, it was you.
CHARLIE: I was doing you a favour Richard.
RICHARD: Well do me some more favours, Charlie. Let's see if we can get the girl twenty to life at Sing-Sing.
CHARLIE: That is it.
RORY: (drags Richard away) Grandpa.
RICHARD: I'm hiring a lawyer to sue that man.
RORY: Grandpa, did you tell mum about the court date?
RICHARD: Of course I did.
RORY: You did? You told her the time, and where it was and everything?
RICHARD: She knew all about it Rory. She simply showed no interest in the matter. (Rory reacts) Abe Rosenstein!
RORY: Who?
RICHARD: That's who I'm going to get to sue Charlie.
CHARLIE: (picks up his briefcase) Goodbye Emily. Go to hell Richard. (exits)
RICHARD: I'm not through with you yet! (follows Charlie)
EMILY: Richard, you can't k*ll him here! We're in a courthouse! (follows Richard)
(CUT to Lorelai's house, night. Lorelai reaches the door there is note stuck on the door, she tears it and throw the pieces down. She gets in the house and finds another note. She throws that one away without reading it also. She reaches the answering machine, a note is stuck on that too. She throws it down again. Plays her messages and goes to the kitchen)
EMILY (on answering machine): Lorelai it's your mother. I want to thank you for the lovely little surprise you gave me this morning (Lorelai keeps on ripping away notes, without reading them as she moves around the kitchen, and the fridge, without reading them). I can't wait to tell the girls at the club all about it. I mean they're always bragging about their daughters did this, and their daughters did that. Well finally I get to go in there and say "Oh really? Well today my daughter invited me over and then didn't show up. And then she had me watched by a surly, barking Frenchman so that I didn't steal anything".
LORELAI: I didn't invite you over mother!
EMILY (on answering machine): Top that, ladies! This was unforgivable Lorelai. Disgraceful behaviour even by your standards. And since I assume you've torn up all of my notes, I will read them to you. I made copies. (Lorelai enters Rory's room and angrily starts packing her stuff) "Dear Lorelai, I was shocked and saddened by your decision not to be at home when I came by for Rory's things.
(CUT to Richard & Emily's bedroom. It's dark and they are sleeping. The door opens forcefully Lorelai comes in holding a laundry basket and a big duffel bag. They wake up startled)
EMILY: My God!
LORELAI: There that?s all of her stuff. (drops the basket) You happy?
(Richard turns on the light. Emily sits up in bed)
EMILY: Lorelai, you scared me half to death.
LORELAI: Yeah, well follow through, has always been my problem. Oh well! (drops the duffel bag) So! We've got clothes, books, stuffed animals. I even checked the laundry to make sure nothing was waiting to be washed. OK? We good?
RICHARD: What do you mean? Barging in here in the middle of the night. Are you crazy?
LORELAI: Mum just seemed extremely concerned, about getting the rest of Rory's things.
EMILY: She needed something to wear to court.
LORELAI: Yeah, so I figured I better bring them right over here. Now I did, so I'm done!
EMILY: Lorelai, stop this! I know you're upset. I know you hate us...
LORELAI: I don't hate you. Why would I hate you?
EMILY: Well...because we...because you thought we...
LORELAI: You were just being you. You couldn't help it.
EMILY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: The scorpion and the frog. It's an old story. The scorpion says to the frog "Hey frog give a lift to the other side of the pond". Frog says "No way! You'll sting me and I'll die". Scorpion says "Will not! Cause then we'll both drown". Frog says "Cool". So the scorpion gets on the frogs back, and frog makes it to the middle of the pond and the scorpion stings him. As the frog is going down he says "Why would you do that? Now we'll both die". Scorpion says "Sorry. It's just my nature". Frog (points to herself), scorpion (points to her parents).
EMILY: I always thought it was a turtle.
LORELAI: Whatever it was. You guys couldn't help it.
RICHARD: Lorelai, why don't you sit and calm down.
LORELAI: I am calm. I'm fine. You guys must be pretty jazzed though, huh? I mean you finally did it. You finally got a sh*t at getting the daughter you've always wanted.
RICHARD: I'm too tired to have this conversation.
LORELAI: Rory! Here! Right under your roof. Excellent!
EMILY: You're being ridiculous.
LORELAI: Now you get your do over. A new and improved Lorelai. Congrats. Very well played.
RICHARD: Lorelai, listen to me. I know that you think some sort of con has been perpetrated on you...
LORELAI: Hey, it's only a paper moon dad.
RICHARD: That fact of the matter is, your mother and I were just trying to do the right thing. We're all striving for the same goal. We want Rory happy and healthy. Now she's taken a bit of a stumble. But we can get her back on the right track. All of us. Together. And we're going to need your input and your involvement to achieve that.
LORELAI: My involvement ends here. With the laundry basket.
EMILY: What is that flipper mark supposed to mean.
LORELAI: It's supposed to mean that I'm out. You've won. She's all yours. Of course the laundry basket I'm going to want back. (exits)
(CUT to Luke's diner, same night. Luke & Kirk are in the diner. Kirk is following Luke around. They are heading to the diner door)
KIRK: Please Luke, please! Please, please, please, please, please!
LUKE: Move (Kirk moves away from he door, outside and Luke locks)
KIRK: Luke, I have to have the ring back.
LUKE: I've paid you for the ring. In fact I've overpaid you for the ring. You gave me a certificate of authenticity and a promise that none of the heirs were gonna sue me for possetion and then our business was done.
KIRK: Luke, you don't understand. I think that that was the ring that Lulu had her eye on. I totally forgot this until...Where are you going?
LUKE: I'm leaving Kirk! The diner is closed!
KIRK: You can't leave until I get that ring back. If I propose I'm gonna need that ring.
LUKE: You have a suitcase full of rings!
KIRK: But that's the one I sort of remember her liking.
LUKE: Pick another ring.
KIRK: But my backup ring pulled through. Plus now there's talk of her wanting to buried with it.
LUKE: Goodnight Kirk.
BABETTE: (from across the square) LUUUUUKE! WAIT!
LUKE: Oh boy!
BABETTE: I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!
LUKE: OK Babette! Slow down I'm not going anywhere.
(Babette is running across town, occasionally holding her breasts)
BABETTE: It's very serious!
LUKE: I'm right here! You just, You can walk Babette. Just walk Babette, please, walk. Slow down, just...(she reaches him)
BABETTE: (out of breath) Geez! Oh my God! I smell toast. I smell toast. And almonds. I smell almond toast.
LUKE: What do you need Babette?
BABETTE: I need confirmation on a rumour. That there is a rumour that there's been a rift between Lorelai and Rory.
KIRK: A rift?
BABETTE: A big rift. Very serious, that's right! Rory ain't home for the summer?
KIRK: Wow!
LUKE: Who told you this?
BABETTE: Well who else? East Side Tillie. That damn woman keeps tromping me. So come on? Is she right? Is it true? (Luke doesn't answer and looks uncomfortable) It is true! Oh my God! Well what happened? And how's Lorelai taking it? She must be a basket case? Is she a basket case?
LUKE: OK! Stop! Look! There's been a little incident, but all going to be fine. Lorelai has it completely under control.
BABETTE: She's OK?
LUKE: Trust me, she's just fine! OK
(Luke pats Babette on the shoulder and walks away. Babette tries to catch her breath. Kirk approaches her)
KIRK: Nice ring. (Babette looks strangely at Kirk and walk away)
(CUT to Lorelai's house, same night. Lorelai walks in the house. Puts down her purse and keys, goes to the kitchen and gets a bottle of water out of the fridge. She turns the light of in Rory's now empty room and sits at the truck at the foot of the bed. She looks around a bit, and after a while throws the bottle out of frustration. She covers her face with her hands and starts to cry. Front door opens. Lorelai is startled)
LUKE (OS): Full moon! Moment's here! Let's go!
(Lorelai wipes her eyes, gets up tries to put on a happy face and walks out of the room).
END Of Episode 6.01 - New And Improved Lorelai
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x01 - New and Improved Lorelai Gilmore"} | foreverdreaming |
Previously on Gilmore Girls. Scenes from the previous episodes.
(OPEN in front of the Twickham House, night. Lorelai & Sookie are standing there, looking up at it)
LORELAI: It's big
SOOKIE: That's what she said.
LORELAI: Good one
SOOKIE: Hey, I'm still twelve.
LORELAI: I meant the house. It's very big.
SOOKIE: Very sweet of Luke to have that dream of his. You two living in this house!
LORELAI: What do you think there are? Twelve rooms?
SOOKIE: At least! I mean you can really go to town in this place. You could have a dedicated sewing room. I mean, that's a no-brainer.
LORELAI: Are you kidding? I could put a whole loom in one of those rooms. Indulge my long harboured desire to make tapestries
SOOKIE: You've been long harbouring that one?
LORELAI: I just thought of it, but yeah!
SOOKIE: So it's all feeling good, huh?
LORELAI: Well it's a little on the Versailles side. I mean I have to keep an eye out for peasants with pitchforks.
SOOKIE: I meant the relationship. You're engaged for Gosh sakes!
LORELAI: Yes! I'm aware!
SOOKIE: And sticking?
LORELAI: Yes, Sookie, it's sticking!
SOOKIE: Good, good!... How 'bout now?
LORELAI: I'm totally re-evaluating the whole thing.
SOOKIE: Really?
LORELAI: (exasperated) NO!
SOOKIE: Well...You've got priors!
LORELAI: Sookie!
SOOKIE: You say one thing, but your heart says another.
LORELAI: Please! Don't give me the whole litany. Especially one that sounds so much like a Kenny Chesney song.
SOOKIE: I'm just being honest.
LORELAI: (determined) I'm not going to bolt. I'm staying put.
SOOKIE: Good. (knowingly) Because the eyes will give you away.
LORELAI: What do you mean?
SOOKIE: If you're thinking of bolting they'll pop out on you, like that runway bride. It's like the eyes are trying to run away first.
LORELAI: Sookie look at my eyes.
(Sookie looks into Lorelai's eyes)
SOOKIE: OK...
LORELAI: How do they look?
SOOKIE: Pretty socked in there.
LORELAI: And there they will remain. Everything's good. Promise
SOOKIE: Good. Pretty eyes too.
LORELAI: I'm taken.
SOOKIE: Sorry!
LORELAI: (turns to look back at the house) WOW!
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Is it me or...
SOOKIE: (looks up at the house too) Nope! I think it just got bigger.
LORELAI: That's what she said.
SOOKIE: Good grief.
LORELAI: What!? You can be twelve, but I can't be twelve?
SOOKIE: No...You can be twelve.
LORELAI: Thank you.
(OPENING CREDITS)
(CUT to Community Service orientation. A supervisor is walking around the room, explaining the rules. All the "felons" are sitting on desks))
SUPERVISOR: Remember to sign in at the get-go. If you do not sign in your work that day will not count against your community service hours, so do it! Same thing at the end. Sign out. Don't forget! Each shift is three and a half hours. Double shifts will include a half hour lunch break and it's bring your own. (picks up a stack of papers and hands them to a person sitting at one of the front desks). Take one down and pass it around. (camera pans to the "felons" sitting and follows as the papers get passed around the room). These are your guidelines. They outline safety procedures, behaviour requirements etc. If you cause any trouble you will come back here to see me, something I do not want to happen. Now lets talk about what you will not bring. First on the list w*apon of any kind. I'll state the obvious first. You will not bring a g*n. You will not bring chains. You will not bring knives of any kind, including penknives, nail files, razor blades, carpet cutters. (camera pans to Rory, she looks out of place with all the other people in the orientation) You will not bring rope, you will not bring brass knuckles or anything that can be used as a truncheon.
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Luke & Lorelai come down from the apartment talking)
LUKE: And they have those flash light thingies
LORELAI: Yeah! That's the right name for those. Flash Light Thingies.
LUKE: And Jedi powers of mind control, and they can move things, so they're telekinetic. And they hover on their jet saucers over molten lava, and they can jump and fly around like they're in Cirque Du Soleil...
LORELAI: Ah! Coffee, please. (Luke goes behind the counter to get the coffee, Lorelai sits on a stool)
LUKE:...But what gives one Jedi knight the edge over the other, huh? The ultimate advantage? They stand on a mound of dirt and declare, "you can't win. I've got the high ground."
LORELAI: Dude, if he said it that's the way it is. It's a fictional world.
LUKE: He's four feet up a little sloap, and that wipes out all the other guys powers to fly, jump around, move things with his brain, use his flashlight thingy?
LORELAI: You've got to learn the right term for that flashlight thingy!
LUKE: This has been bugging me!
LORELAI: For months! We saw that movie months ago. You've got to let it go.
LUKE: I can't!
LORELAI: George Lucas owns San Fransisco now. That's a city! You can't argue with a man who owns a city.
LUKE: All the other guy has to do is scurry onto land, run up a hill a bit, and then he has the high ground. I mean, they can fly jetpods, but they can't scurry?
LORELAI: Go on a website or something, OK? Cause there are thousands...no, millions of your kind out there debating all the minutiae of, not just this Star Wars movie, but every Star Wars movie!
LUKE: You drag me to see these movies.
LORELAI: No, you wanted to see that movie.
LUKE: So I can't critique it because I wanted to see it?
LORELAI: That's how it works.
LUKE: What about "Bewitched"?
LORELAI: (closes her eyes and breathes deep in restrain) Okay, I'm sorry. They screwed up "Bewitched". Nicole Kidman, good choice. But that concept?
LUKE: You should go on a website
LORELAI: No! but "Bewitched" is iconic!...Dr. b*mb, Larry Tate. There was no Larry Tate.
LUKE: (a bit condescending) Hey! Let it go! We saw this months ago!
LORELAI: This is different. You can't have "Bewitched" without Larry Tate.
LUKE: Here's your coffee.
LORELAI: (sighs and takes the to go cup) So should we stop going to movies?
LUKE: We should stop caring.
LORELAI: OK! Bye doll!
LUKE: Bye
(They kiss and Lorelai exits the diner. Camera follows as Luke walks behind the counter and as he reaches to clean a table we see TJ cleaning up some shelves. He starts to stroke them lovingly)
TJ: You see these?
LUKE: Yeah, I saw them before TJ. Stop doing that. It's creepy.
TJ: (stands up straight by the shelves proudly) Some of my best work these shelves.
LUKE: They seem very shelfy.
TJ: You're not excited.
LUKE: I tend not to get to excited about things like shelves.
TJ: I hate that you've lost the little boy in you.
LUKE: Don't cry for me
(They walk away from the table. Luke goes behind the counter. TJ follows from the other side of the counter)
TJ: By the way, I'm throwing in my top shelf as an engagement gift for you, brother-in-law.
LUKE: Great! Thanks.
TJ: Of course, my per-shelf rate's gone up since we last talked. So it all comes out to the same money.
LUKE: Yeah...well, funny how that works.
TJ: It's very exciting that Lorelai's gonna be my sister-in-law. Having another hot girl in the family is gonna be tres cool.
LUKE: Uh-huh.
TJ: People are really gonna stare when the two of us are squiring our delectable wives around.
LUKE: I don't know just how much mutual squiring you and I are going to be doing.
TJ: You got to admit our wives are hot. (draws in the air with his hands a woman's body) Va-va to the voom.
LUKE: (disturbed) T.J... Your wife is my sister.
TJ: That don't make you blind, does it? Va-va...(starts to do the air drawing thing again)
LUKE: Don't go to the voom again!
TJ: Mr. Sensitive.
LUKE: You're done here, right? Don't you have somewhere to go?
TJ: I'm pretty free. I was gonna go home and watch "Bewitched" on dvd, but your woman spoiled that for me.
LUKE: Yeah...I got to check something out in the storeroom. (starts walking towards the storeroom. TJ follows him and stops him before he leaves)
TJ: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait. Wait. Wait. I need your okay on something.
LUKE: As long as it doesn't involve my sister.
TJ: It pays to advertise, right? I want to put a sign up on the shelves to let people know who did them. "Shelves by AJ"
LUKE: AJ? Why AJ? Why not TJ?
TJ: 'Cause I'm going in the yellow pages, and I want to be up at the top. "T" puts me after everything except "u," "v," "w," "x," "y," and "z" and I think a few others. Smart, huh?
LUKE: Yeah, well I just don't want you advertising here, T.J.
TJ: Well, is it okay if I give out my card to any inquiring party? (gets out a card from his toolbelt and gives it to Luke)
LUKE: Sure, if they inquire, give them a card. (reads the card) You crossed out "Ralph's Shoe Repair" and wrote in "AJ Construction." That's your card?
TJ: I don't technically have cards. So I take them from other businesses and write my own stuff in it.
LUKE: You wanna...You might want to cross out the picture of the guy shining the boot. It might confuse things.
TJ: Thanks. (Luke exits to the storeroom) What a team, huh? What a team? (TJ approaches two customers sitting on the counter) How about those shelves, huh? You plus your fat cousins could sit on them. They wouldn't break. They're that strong. Here, take a card. (gives them a card)
(CUT outside to Stars Hollow pet fair, same day. Lorelai is walking around looking at the animals)
LORELAI: Hello, porky! Hello. O-h-h-H! Well, I'm feeling a little guilty because of the you-L.T I had yesterday. That's right, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Hi, fellas. What's up? You both look like K*llers. (sees a cage with a cute furry mutt) Hey. Hey, you! Oh, someone seems very happy.
FAIR SALES PERSON: He likes you, and he's picky.
LORELAI: He's cute. You're cute. You're shaggy cute. Oh, we got a love thing going on, don't we? (Miss Patty approaches Lorelai)
MISS PATTY: (accusingly) What are you doing?
LORELAI: I'm just enjoying the animals, Patty.
MISS PATTY: (to fair sales person) Honey, this is not right. She can't have a love thing with a dog.
FAIR SALES PERSON: She can't?
LORELAI: Yes, I can. Go about your business there, Patty.
MISS PATTY: You must have her name on some blacklist back there, don't you?
FAIR SALES PERSON: We don't have a blacklist.
MISS PATTY: But this is Lorelai Gilmore.
LORELAI: Ignore her. (to Patty) This dog loves me. And the pig...the pig loved me.
MISS PATTY: It looks d*ad.
LORELAI: It's sleeping. (to fair sales person) They sleep, right?
FAIR SALES PERSON: Actually, that's very unusual for her to be sleeping. (to anohter fair member) Meg, make sure the pig's okay.
LORELAI: Yeah, the pig's fine.
MISS PATTY: (accusingly) You didn't touch it, did you?
LORELAI: I did not k*ll the pig, Patty.
MISS PATTY: You got a bad record. You got to admit it.
LORELAI: That thing with the hamster was a long time ago. It was a long time ago! And..and it was only a hamster. I mean it's not really in the same category as dog or pig, now, is it?
MISS PATTY: What about the rabbit?
LORELAI: Okay, the rabbit was sick when I got it. It was sick when I got it! It was actually very humanitarian of me to take it in the first place.
MISS PATTY: And that poor turtle. It was supposed to outlive you.
LORELAI: Kay! You're really kind of bringing down the pet fair here, Patty.
MISS PATTY: Honey, go see "March Of The Penguins." That's really as close to the animals as you should get. (walks away)
LORELAI: (to fair sales person) She's a comedienne, that one. She just gets a bit, and then she keeps on going, you know, even with one that's not funny. It's a (far sales person walks away)...(to the dog) Hi. See you later, kiddo.
LIZ: (running towards Lorelai) Lorelai!
LORELAI: Liz, hi. (they hug)
LIZ: You and Luke engaged!
LORELAI: Yes, we are!
LIZ: I want to eat your face.
LORELAI: Is that good?
LIZ: You're my sister-in-law. Mrs. Danes, not that you're changing your name. You don't got to. Go modern.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do.
LIZ: (takes Lorelai's hand in hers and inspects the ring) This ring. My brother has good taste.
LORELAI: Yes, he does.
LIZ: You ever see my ring?(hold out her ring finger) It's a beaut, huh?
LORELAI: Definitely.
LIZ: Had a problem with it for a while. It turned my finger green.
LORELAI: Well, that's common with metal.
LIZ: No, it's worse than that. The finger turned green, then it turned blue, then purple. So, I went to this doctor, and he's talking amputation.
LORELAI: Oh, my god!
LIZ: But TJ picked it out for me, so I love it, I really do.
LORELAI: It's the thought that counts.
LIZ: Well, I got to get going. I actually have a finger-therapy session I have to go to. Sister-in-laaaws! (hold up her ring, and Lorelai reluctantly joins her)
LORELAI: Sister-in-laws!
LIZ: Oh, I'm a jerk.
LORELAI: What?
LIZ: I forgot to ask you about Rory.
LORELAI: Right.
LIZ: So, is she staying here with you during the summer break?
LORELAI: (uncomfortable) Oh, well, actually...Luke didn't tell you about all this?
LIZ: All what?
LORELAI: She's staying with her grandparents for the summer.
LIZ: Really?
LORELAI: For a change of pace. And she'll be working and...yeah.
LIZ: Ah! Your whole extended family. You, your parents, so close. It's nice.
LORELAI: Yes, it is.
LIZ: Ow.
LORELAI: What?
LIZ: My finger. Gotta run. Bye. (walks away)
LORELAI: Uh...Bye, Liz. (sighs) Looks back at the furry mutt. To fair sales pesron) I'll take him.
(CUT to Gilmore mansion dinning room. Emily and Richard are having a rather rich breakfast and are working on their schedules)
EMILY: So the 14th works?
RICHARD: Yeah, works for me. My god, we're busier than that Anne Coulter.
EMILY: Who?
RICHARD: That blond bean pole on TV. If she walked over a subway grate, she'd fall right through.
EMILY: We need to talk to the gardener.
RICHARD: Try! I've given up.
EMILY: I told him to take that mp3 device off his head while he worked, and he did. Then I hid behind the curtains, and he put his mp3 device right back in his ears. (Rory walks in the dinning room and stand around awkwardly)
RICHARD: We're paying him too much if he's able to afford an mp3 device.
EMILY: Well he's got to focus on the lawn. Morning, Rory.
RORY: Hi.
RICHARD: The patches of brown. Good morning, Rory.
RORY: Morning.
EMILY: OH, speaking of which, we have a cocktail gathering on Wednesday.
RICHARD: How was "patches of brown" speaking of which?
EMILY: It's the Sterling-Olivers.
RICHARD: The age spots.
EMILY: You worship the sun, you pay the price.
RICHARD: (chuckles) So, Wednesday with the Oliv...wait a minute. We already have cocktails with the Bransons on Wednesday.
EMILY: We'll do a drink at each.
RICHARD: Huh, we've done it before.
EMILY: Rory, sit, sit!
RORY: OK. (sits at her usual place)
RICHARD: We're staying on top of your car, by the way.
RORY: My car?
RICHARD: Mmmm. It's still in the shop. What is with our government? Impounding a car and damaging it in the process.
EMILY: Then refusing to pay for the damage.
RICHARD: I should tell Scooter Libby about this. I keep forgetting I know a man on the inside. I'll give him a call.
EMILY: Before an indictment comes down.
RORY: I'm sorry.
EMILY: For what?
RORY: Well my car is impounded because of the thing with the yacht.
EMILY: (dismissive) That's forgotten.
RICHARD: (equally dismissive) Totally forgotten.
EMILY: (continuing to be dismissive) It didn't happen.
RICHARD: We'll get you through this community service. Then we'll be through with the matter.
EMILY: Was the orientation horrible?
RORY: No, it went fine. I start my first hours in a couple days.
EMILY: You're bearing this angelically.
RICHARD: (looks at his watch) Oh, I've got to run!
EMILY: (looks at her watch) Oh, look at that. Me too. (Richard & Emily stand up)
RICHARD: Goodbye, Rory. Have a nice day.
EMILY: Eat the rest of this.
RORY: (Richard kisses the top of her head) I'll try.
EMILY: And give the fabric samples in the pool house a good look. The longer we wait, the longer it takes.
RORY: I'll give them a good look
(as Richard and Emily start to exit music starts to play)
EMILY: What's that?
RICHARD: That's my new ring tone.
EMILY: I love it.
RICHARD: I'll have Katie come up with some appropriate suggestions for yours. Maybe some Burt Bacharach.
EMILY: Wonderful. (the grand parents leave. Rory is left alone in the huge dinning room)
(CUT to pool house. Rory is sitting on one of the armchairs with the fabic samples on them watching the pool scene from "The Graduate" wearing a bathing suit and a skirt)
(CUT to main house. We hear the vacuum. Rory enters walking around bored. The vacuum stops working and the maid walks by. Rory waves at her the maid smiles and walks away. After a b*at Rory follows her)
(CUT to the mansion's kitchen. The maid is doing some work as Rory walks in)
RORY: (pointing at the coffee maker) May I?
ESPERANZA: Si.
RORY: (pours some coffee) Esperanza, right?
ESPERANZA: Si, Esperanza.
RORY: Tu nombre es muy bonito.
ESPERANZA: Hablas espaÑol?
RORY: Um, no hablo bien, y no hablo mucho.
ESPERANZA: Lo hablas muy bien.
RORY: De dónde eres?
ESPERANZA: De Guatemala.
RORY: Guatemala. Tienes familia alli?
ESPERANZA: Oh, sí, tengo mucha familia, y quiero traer a mi mama aqui.
RORY: Oh, si. Y cuantos anos tiene tu mama?
ESPERANZA: 72 anos.
RORY: Oh! (they chuckle)
(CUT to kitchen later on. Rory & Esperanza are in deep conversation polishing silver together. Emily walks in)
RORY: Le gusta ver footbol en la televisión o le gusta jugar?
EMILY: Rory!
RORY: Oh! Grandma, you scared me.
ESPERANZA: Hello, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: What is going on in here?
RORY: Um, we were just...well, we were polishing silver.
EMILY: Esperanza, the vacuum is still sitting in the foyer. (at the maids blanc stare) The vacuum! THE VACUUM!
ESPERANZA: Oh, si! Si. (exits in a rush)
EMILY: (to Rory) Tell me she didn't ask you to help.
RORY: Oh, no, no. She didn't. I just...I don't know. I just thought, I would pitch in.
EMILY: Well, you shouldn't. This is her job, she's paid to do this.
RORY: I know.
EMILY: And what was that language?
RORY: Spanish.
EMILY: Spanish? They don't like it when you talk to them, Rory. It throws them off their axis.
RORY: She seemed fine.
EMILY: (inspects Rory's outfit) Is that a bathing suit?
RORY: Yeah. Yeah, I was gonna go swimming earlier. (seeing Emily's stern face) In fact, I think I'll go do that now.
EMILY: Yes, a swim would be good.
RORY: OK. Well, see you later. (Rory exits. Emily looks around at the silverware Rory was polishing and sighs)
(CUT to Lorelai's house, night. There is a knock on the door. Lorelai answers. Luke comes in)
LUKE: Hey! You ready to go?
LORELAI: Come in, come in, come in! I want to show you something.
LUKE: OK.
LORELAI: (giggles) Or...more accurately, I want to show you someone. (they walk in the living room, which is filled with doggie stuff) Ta-da! Where'd he go?
LUKE: Where'd who go? What's all this crap?
LORELAI: (disappointed) Aaaww! Yoo-hoo! Come on, dude. We had it all rehearsed and everything. A! Aha! Ha ha. Yeah. Okay. (produces the dog from behind an armchair) Ta-da!
LUKE: (surprised and weirded out) It's a dog.
LORELAI: Yeah! Very good. (to the dog in a funny voice) He's smart, too. Not as smart as you.(carries him to the coffee table and sets him there, sits next to him and starts to pet him)
LUKE: What are you doing with a dog?
LORELAI: I bought him. Doesn't he look happy?
LUKE: Yeah, I guess. (disbelievingly) You bought a dog!
LORELAI: Yeah, and he loves me. And he doesn't give his love easily. The only drawback is the name. Cocoa. It's too cutesy. But he's a rescue, so I don't want to freak him out by giving him a new name right away, so, I'm gonna get to the name I want to givr him in baby steps. For the first week, I'll call him Cocoa to get him acclimated.
LUKE: Acclimated.
LORELAI: Second week, I'm gonna call him Cokey. Third week "Kooky". Fourth week "Tooky".
LUKE: So, you're gonna name him Tooky?
LORELAI: No. I'm gonna name him Paul Anka, but it's gonna take a while to get to Paul Anka.
LUKE: Yeah, I'd say so.
LORELAI: (gets up from the table) And, you know, this little guy has already taught me something I didn't know! Just because they make it for a dog doesn't mean a dog is gonna like it. Toys, including squeakies (picks up a toy and squeezes it, makes a sound) and the "whazzup" variety (picks up another toy that looks like a monkey, squeezes it and it says "whazzup?"): No interest. Rawhide bones: no interest. Popcorn: scared of it.
LUKE: Scared of popcorn?
LORELAI: Yeah, and also of tissue holders, paperbacks, cds, framed pictures, and lint. Oh! And when I drink something, he gets freaked out like I'm gonna die, and I have to pick him up and rock him like a baby until he calms down. It's been quite a first day for us.
LUKE: Look, should I ask the question
that immediately came to mind
when I first saw the thing,
or should I just shut up?
LORELAI: No. sh**t.
LUKE: Is it okay for you to...
LORELAI: (cuts Luke off)...That hamster was defective. Period. Plus, they only live like three years, I looked it up. And...and...and he would have been d*ad by now anyway. So, world, stop with the hamster already.
LUKE: But the turtle...
LORELAI: (cuts him off again) The same thing with the turtle.
LUKE: Yeah, but they live to be 90.
LORELAI: I will take care of this dog. I promise. Now, would you like a beer?
LUKE: Sure.
LORELAI: OK. Just distract him while I'm drinking. And don't let him see the (whispers) bottle opener. (they walk to the kitchen. PA is left in the living room)
(CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, continuous. Luke and Lorelai enter. Lorelai goes to the fridge)
LUKE: How much did you spend on all this?
LORELAI: Tons. (gets two beers out of the fridge and gives one to Luke)
LUKE: For a stupid dog.
LORELAI: You're acting like you don't like dogs.
LUKE: I don't like dogs.
LORELAI: (PA enters the kitchen) Shh! He heard you.
LUKE: He speaks English?
LORELAI: Since when do you not like dogs?
LUKE: Since all the times I made that really, really clear, which is every time I've ever been around a dog.
LORELAI: What is there not to like about dogs?
LUKE: (sits at the table. Lorelai puts some food for PA) They're dirty, they're a pain to train, they're a pain to wash, they bark when they shouldn't, they jump on you when you don't want them to, they chew things, they shed, they lick themselves, they make your house smell, they make your car smell, and they make you smell.
LORELAI: (sighs and joins him at the table) You know I think it's very sad that you've lost the little boy in you.
LUKE: The little boy didn't like dogs, either.
LORELAI: Oh! You know. I just realized what this is. This is our thing.
LUKE: What thing?
LORELAI: This tradition of ours. You claim to hate everything at first, but it's just your initial stance in a negotiation. And then we talk, and our opinions merge, and we find a happy middle.
LUKE: No. A lot of times, it's just how I feel, and my mind doesn't change.(PA goes over to his food bowl)
LORELAI: OK, oh! he's eating. Come on, let's go! (she gets up and gestures Luke to follow) But don't make any sudden movements, and don't drink and don't look at him. He's very self-conscious about his eating. I'm the same way. That's how I know this is gonna work! Go! Go, go, go! (they exit the kitchen and stare at PA while he's eating through the kitchen door window)
LUKE: You do realize your dog has just driven us out of the house?
LORELAI: Don't worry. He's a quick eater. Come on. (they start walking)
(CUT to Lorelai's porch, continuous. Lorelai and Luke are walking on the porch)
LORELAI: Shh.
LUKE: This is silly.
LORELAI: What? We can hang out here.
It's a nice night. (they sit on the couch on the porch) Okay. Now, fill me in. How was your day?
LUKE: Well, I talked to some contractors about the Twickham House.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah?
LUKE: As soon as we make the offer, they'll let us in. We can start planning stuff. Remodelling, whatever.
LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: And as soon as we're out of escrow, we can start work.
LORELAI: Cool. Excellent.
LUKE: I was thinking we could even pull the crew over here. Do some quick touch-ups before selling.
LORELAI: Wait. Touch-ups? Where? Here?
LUKE: Yeah. It hasn't been painted in a while. Fixing it up will help it sell.
LORELAI: Right. You know, I've been thinking?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Maybe...we should...hang on to this house.
LUKE: To rent?
LORELAI: No! Not to rent. To use...in some other way.
LUKE: What other way?
LORELAI: Uh...I don't know. we...It could be, like, a paint studio.
LUKE: We don't paint.
LORELAI: Well, maybe we'll start. Maybe it's the lack of a studio that's kept us from realizing our love of watercolours.
LUKE: I don't have a love of watercolours.
LORELAI: Or I could use it as my recording studio. That would be cool, huh? And when I'm not laying down tracks, I could rent it out to Korn or Iggy Pop or someone. Right? You and me just hanging with Iggy Pop, rocking out, telling stories. Ig's got stories!
LUKE: (understanding drawing on him) Uh-huh.
LORELAI: Or we could use it as a safe house, in case we decide to take up a life of crime. (through the window PA walks up on the staircase and lies down)
LUKE: I doubt we're going to do that.
LORELAI: Well, we could be wrongly accused of a crime we did not commit. And then we'd have to hide out until society realized the mistake, and then we'd be like, "Hey, no hard feelings. It happens. This is a great country, and thank god we had the safe house."
LUKE: If you want, we can just hang on to it and rent it out.
LORELAI: I don't want anyone else living in it.
LUKE: They can't live in it, but they can record songs in it?
LORELAI: I just think we could use this place. Think about it, OK?
LUKE: Yeah, sure. We'll think about it.
LORELAI: OK. (looks around into the living room and gasps) Oh, look, he's done. And he's in there fast asleep.
LUKE: Great! Let's go back in.
LORELAI: OK. Just be careful because he gets scared when you wake him up.
LUKE: Of course.
LORELAI: OK. (they start walking back to the house) Oh, and try not to say any words that begin with the letter "Q".
(CUT to Gilmore mansion, night. Rory walks in and enters the living room. Richard & Emily seem to be waiting for her)
RORY: Hi. I got your note.
EMILY: Come in, dear.
RICHARD: We just wanted to speak to you for a minute.
EMILY: Sit, sit. (Rory sits on one of the couches)
RICHARD: We have a club soda all ready for you here.
EMILY: Is that all right? We can make you something else.
RORY: No, that's fine. My drink of choice, thank you. (Rory drinks, Emily & Richard stare at her. He hear a grandfather clock ticking in the backround. Rory seems a bit uncomfortable) Refreshing!
RICHARD: Now, you said something before about wanting a job.
RORY: Yes!
RICHARD: You're low on money, and I know you'd prefer to earn it rather than be given it...You're a Gilmore.
RORY: Mmhuh.
RICHARD: Your grandmother and I are ready to help you with that.
RORY: With a job?
RICHARD: That's right.
RORY: Well, um, the job thing was before my court thing. 300 hours of community service in 6 months...it's a full-time job in itself, which kind of limits my options as far as work.
EMILY: That's where we come in. We can swing a couple of options for you that it'll give you the flexibility you need.
RORY: Really?
RICHARD: There are all sorts of things out there for a bright girl such as yourself. They'll bend their schedules for you.
EMILY: I'll make some appointments and let you know what they are.
RORY: All right. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. (a new maid enters with a tray)
EMILY: Have you met Draguta? She's from Romania.
RORY: Hi. (the maid looks at Rory in a stern manner and walks away, Rory is taken aback)
(CUT to Lorelai's front porch, morning. Lorelai and PA exit the house. PA waits at the top of the few steps, while Lorelai goes down. She turns around as she realises the dog is not following her. She goes back up the steps and pics PA up)
LORELAI: That's right. I forgot. You don't like the stairs. Come on, Paul Anka. That's right. I'm skipping the fancy in-between thing and going straight for the gold. I'm calling you Paul Anka. Paul Anka the dog. (Lorelai walks off the screen with the dog in her arms. PA barks aggressively) You don't like mail boxes, got it!
(CUT to Gilmore Mansion patio, morning. Rory walks in and there are a bunch of ladies sitting with Emily, having drinks, tea, etc. They are chatting)
RORY: Oh, excuse me.
EMILY: Rory, what a coincidence. We were just talking about you earlier.
RORY: You were?
EMILY: Come in. Sit with us for a minute.
DAR LADY1: This is Rory?
NORA: She's made of porcelain.
RORY: Uh...I didn't mean to interrupt.
DAR LADY2: Beautiful skin. (Rory walks towards the ladies and sits on chair next to Emily)
DAR LADY3: Like one of your lladros.
NORA: I want to miniaturize her and set her on my mantel.
EMILY: You've interrupted nothing.
DAR LADY3: Nora was just defending her choice.
RORY: Her choice?
EMILY: Cover your ears, Rory.
NORA: It's Alexander Hamilton, no debate.
DAR LADY3: Over Washington.
DAR LADY!: And Jefferson.
NORA: Direct, proud. That chin and those blazing eyes.
EMILY: They're discussing the forefathers.
DAR LADY1: Choosing, to be more accurate.
RORY: Which was the greatest?
NORA: Lover.
RORY: Oh, dear.
EMILY: Girls, please. She's just a child.
DAR LADY3: Most of us picked Washington or Jefferson. There was one vote for James Madison.
EMILY: Two abstentions.
NORA: And I chose the stud on the 10.
EMILY: It's the drinks. I have to start watering them down.
DAR LADY1: So, we finally meet the famous Rory.
RORY: I'm famous?
EMILY: You're wanted.
DAR LADY3: She's perfect for us.
RORY: For what?
EMILY: A job's opened up at our DAR Office downtown.
NORA: We need someone smart, sharp-looking.
DAR LADY1: And the hours are extremely flexible.
EMILY: It just fell out of the sky into our laps. Isn't that something?
RORY: Yes.
EMILY: You can even work from home occasionally. It's mostly phone work.
NORA: You'd be perfect for us.
RORY: Well, thank you all for thinking of me. And, yes, it does sound perfect.
EMILY: Good.
DAR LADY3: When did you join, Rory?
RORY: Join?
DAR LADY3: The DAR.
RORY: Oh, um...well, I haven't.
EMILY: Yet.
DAR LADY1: She'd have to join to work in the office.
RORY: Oh.
NORA: Don't worry. The term "shoo-in" was coined for a figurine like you.
EMILY: Don't worry. The paperwork's all filled out and ready. It's a formality.
NORA: Do you not eat? Do you not drink? The Irish coffee is astounding.
EMILY: Oh, yes. Rory, our meeting's done. We're just gabbing. Go change and join us.
NORA: And be thinking of the forefather you fancy.
RORY: Well, um, I...I can't.
EMILY: Why not?
RORY: Uh, because I have my, um...
EMILY: Your...?
RORY: (gestures with her head) My thing.
EMILY: Your thing.
RORY: Um...(leans towards Emily and whispers in her ear) my community service. You were supposed to drive me.
EMILY: Oh, yes. Ladies, I'm sorry. Rory and I have a little outing, and we were having so much filthy fun I forgot the time. (the ladies get up and start to leave)
DAR LADY1: Doing a little shopping, Emily?
EMILY: Something like that.
DAR LADY1: Well, have fun.
DAR LADY3: Lovely gathering, Emily.
EMILY: Thank you, girls.
NORA: (to Rory) Oh, you're going to match the drapes in our office perfectly. (she exits)
(CUT to Lorelai's driveway, morning. Lorelai parks the Jeep in the driveway and gets out of the car)
LORELAI: Come on, boy. Jump out. (PA jumps out of the car) Good boy. Not afraid of jumping. That's something. (as she starts walking towards the house she notices a man standing outside her bedroom window on the roof) Uh, excuse me.
GEAORGE: Hello.
LORELAI: Hello. I'm Lorelai, the owner of the house you're standing on.
GEARGE: I'm George.
LORELAI: Hi, George. I'm just trying to think of how to ask this in a polite way. Um, are you committing some sort of crime?
GEORGE: No.
LORELAI: But if you were, would you tell me? (another man walks out to the porch from inside the house) Hello.
SAUL: Howdy.
LORELAI: (to herself) Fight or flight? Fight or flight?
LUKE: Hey!
LORELAI: (Luke joins George up on the roof) Luke!
LUKE: This is George.
LORELAI: Oh, we've met.
SAUL: And I'm Saul.
LORELAI: Hi, Saul.
LUKE: (to George) Get what you need?
GEORGE: Just about. Saul, you get what you need?
SAUL: Just about.
LORELAI: Wow. I was this close to screaming and siccing the dog on you. (turns to point at PA, who is now in the car with the door closed) How did you get the door closed?
LUKE: We're just about done.
LORELAI: Wha...Done with what?
LUKE: Sizing the situation.
LORELAI: What situation?
LUKE: About how many silent joists we need to carry out.
LORELAI: What's a joist?
LUKE: The things that support the load.
LORELAI: What load?
LUKE: The load from the extension.
LORELAI: Okay, this has officially become the worst first draft of "Who's on first?" in history.
LUKE: It's about enlarging the bedroom. To live here.
LORELAI: Here? You wanna live here?
LUKE: Sure. I don't have a lot of stuff. We just need a little more closet space. A bigger bathroom, bigger bedroom.
LORELAI: I always wanted a bigger bedroom.
LUKE: Well, looks like we can do it.
LORELAI: But what about the Twickham House?
LUKE: Too damn big. We can get along fine here for a while. Maybe forever. It's a great house. You love this house.
LORELAI: I do love this house.
LUKE: I know. I figured that out from your sudden interest in laying down tracks and becoming a painter.
LORELAI: Come down here so I can kiss you. All of you.
LUKE: We'll just be a minute.
LORELAI: (walks back to the car to get PA. As she reaches to open the door) You locked the door? Dude, come on! I mean, I've got the key, but I'm really curious how you did this.
(CUT to outside, morning. Emily's car drives up to the community service's get-go. Rory and Emily are having a conversation as Emily parks the car. Emily is reading some things from a sheet of paper)
EMILY: Let's see what else. "When you're eating in the mess hall, never reach across the prisoner next to you". It's a provocation. It'll get you a fork in your hand.
RORY: I don't think there's going to be a mess hall.
EMILY: Well, wherever you're eating, that would apply. What else? "Don't be arrogant". But you're not arrogant. "Don't let anyone give you anything or lend you anything, period. It can get you injured, or k*lled or turned out". I'm not sure what "turned out" means, but they're very careful to warn you off it.
RORY: Got it.
EMILY: Now, "if somebody approaches you with a shiv..."
RORY: Do you know what a shiv is, grandma?
EMILY: No, what is it?
RORY: It's like a crude Kn*fe, carved from a soda can.
EMILY: Oh!...that must be why they advise you to "yell for a hack to come help you." What's a hack?
RORY: Where did you get this, grandma?
EMILY: I had your grandfather's secretary find me info on interacting with fellow prisoners.
RORY: But we're not prisoners. We're just doing community service.
EMILY: (eyeing the rest of the people of the Community Service) They look like prisoners.
RORY: Well, you know, sitting here in the jag staring at them is probably not going to help my popularity.
EMILY: Oh, you're right. That's on the list, too. Staring: it's bad. You shouldn't do it for more than one or two seconds.
RORY: I won't.
EMILY: And they really emphasize that you should "keep your fight face at home". I'm guessing that's any sort of aggressive expression, whether you're staring at the person or not. Fight face...remember that.
RORY: Okay. I'll be fine, Grandma. Thanks for driving me.
EMILY: Wait. (gives Rory a fancy paper bag, probably with Ror's lunch) Here. That's better than a paper bag.
RORY: (looking at it in a weird way) Yes, it is.
EMILY: Oh, and here. (gives Rory a pack of cigarettes)
RORY: Cigarettes?
EMILY: To barter. It's currency to these people.
RORY: Thank you, Grandma. I'll call you when I'm done.
EMILY: Bye, now. And remember, don't stare.
(Rory nods and gets out of the car. She walks towards the rest of the group. They eye her in a funny way)
RORY: (uncomfortable offers the pack of cigarettes) Anyone want a smoke?
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Luke and George are sitting at a table discussing the remodel. Liz is sitting at a table near by)
GEORGE: Then you've got to decide on your extras. We can slap up some molding.
LUKE: Yeah, molding's good. Lorelai'll like that.
LIZ: She will. She will like that.
LUKE: (stares at Liz for a b*at) Let's figure on molding of some kind.
GEORGE: Good.
LIZ: Good.
GEORGE: We can add a wainscot, too. And we could do a lugged architrave on the overdoor.
LUKE: Great!
LIZ: Oh! I love a lugged architrave.
LUKE: (frustrated) Liz.
LIZ: (turns to Luke & George's table) Oh, hi. (extends a greeting hand to George) I'm Liz.
LUKE: My sister.
GEORGE: Hi, Liz.
LIZ: You're an architect, huh?
GEORGE: Yep.
LIZ: How long have you been an architect?
LUKE: This is not your interview, Liz.
LIZ: Oh, I'm buttoning it now. I'm sorry.
GEORGE: I need to go anyway, Luke. (Luke and George stand up. George starts gathering his things)
LUKE: What's your time frame here, George?
LUKE: It's going to take me at least two weeks to draw up a plan. I'll keep you posted.
LUKE: Good deal. (the men shake hands)
LIZ: (pats George on the back as he's exiting the diner) Good deal, George.
LUKE: (to George as he's leaving) I'll talk to you later. (to Liz) What is wrong with you?
LIZ: Whaaa...I'm just excited about all this. A new adventure!
LUKE: (walks behind the counter, Liz follows him) But it's not your adventure. It's my adventure. You're in the employee section.
LIZ: I want to talk to you about something, Luke.
LUKE: You've done nothing but talk since you got here. Why announce it now?
LIZ: You're going to need a contractor for your remodel, right?
LUKE: Yes.
LIZ: And you know who I'm married to.
LUKE: Yes.
LIZ: He'd be perfect for this!
LUKE: TJ? He's not a contractor.
LIZ: Oh, but he is.
LUKE: Since when?
LIZ: Since he almost passed the test for his contractor's license last month. I mean, he was so close. If he hadn't used all those curse words during the written exam, he'd have had it.
LUKE: He used curse words?
LIZ: When he's enthusiastic about something, he gets very foul. But I blame his mother. She has got a mouth on her. Garbage mouth!
LUKE: I don't think he can do the job, Liz. (he walks to a table to clean it up. Liz follows him around)
LIZ: Oh, but, my brother, he's working so hard for his license. You should see him! It is so cute. He sits up in bed at night poring through his books and his manuals. He's got this system where he reads a chapter then rewards himself with a junior mint. It's been working great for him.
LUKE: There is no way in the world that he is getting this job, Liz.
LIZ: But what about the shelves he made you? I thought you liked them.
LUKE: They're just shelves.
LIZ: Oh, what happened to the little boy in you?
LUKE: Look, the shelves are nice, but this is a big job. Lorelai loves this house. This is a great house. (he walks back behind the counter, Liz follows him yet again)
LIZ: Luke, his life depends on it.
LIZ: How?
LUKE: Because if he doesn't get his ass out of the house and work more...I'm gonna k*ll him.
LUKE: There's a housing boom out there. There's plenty of work for a good carpenter like TJ.
LIZ: But every time he interviews for jobs, he starts cursing. He can't help it. People mistake it for him being weird or something.
LUKE: Imagine that.
LIZ: Please, big brother! For your little sister.
LUKE: Liz!
LIZ: Just don't say "No", OK? Just think about it.
LUKE: I don't need to think about it.
LIZ: For me! Think about it.
LUKE: OK! Fine! I won't say "No" for the time being.
LIZ: Yes! Thank you. That's all I needed was a big fat "Not a 'No'".
LUKE: Whatever. (Liz sits on a stool at the counter and stares at Luke. Luke looks at her and walks away)
(CUT to Community Service, morning. Rory is cleaning up trash at the side of the road with the rest of the group. She s*ab a piece of garbage another person was aiming for)
RORY: Sorry! (Takes the piece of paper she just s*ab and trows it back down. The guy picks it up. Rory backs up and bumps onto another girl from the Community Service) OH!
LIZA: (to Rory) Watch it. (walks away)
RORY: (to Liza) Sorry! (continues to pick up trash)
(CUT to Lorelai's bedroom, morning. Lorelai enters with a laundry basket filled with clothes. She puts in on the bed and starts going through the clothes. She notices something on the wall. She starts walking towards it in shock. The camera pans out and we see Lorelai standing in front of a big hole on her bedroom wall)
(CUT to Luke's diner, continuous. Luke is serving a customer while Lorelai walk towards the diner in shock)
LUKE: (taking order) So, it's an omelette, side of bacon...
CUSTOMER: What kind of cheese do you have?
LUKE: I've got your basics: swiss, cheddar, jack...(Lorelai enters, and grabs Luke's hand and starts dragging him out of the diner)Hey, what? What? Hey. Lorelai, what are you doing?
(CUT in front of Lorelai's house, continuous. Lorelai is still dragging Luke)
LUKE: Lorelai? This is weird, okay? I...Come on, what's wrong? Lorelai, say something. (they reach the front of the house)
LORELAI: (pointing at the hole) Hole!
LUKE: How...?
LORELAI: Hole!
LUKE: ...it...
LORELAI: Hole!
LUKE: I know it's a hole. How did it happen?
LORELAI: Dirt!
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Dirt, bed! Dirt, hole!
LUKE: OK, speak in sentences, come on. You...you found this when you got home.
LORELAI: Yes, a big hole!
LUKE: It was sledgehammered.
LORELAI: With a very big sledgehammer.
LUKE: God, who would...(realisation drawing on him) Oh, my god.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: (mad) Him.
LORELAI: Who?
LUKE: Him.
LORELAI: What him?
LUKE: (deathly whisper) k*ll.
LORELAI: k*ll who?
LUKE: TJ!
LORELAI: TJ did this?
LUKE: Who else?!
LORELAI: What do you mean, "Who else"? Why would TJ come over to my house and sledgehammer my bedroom?
LUKE: Damn it, Liz!
LORELAI: What did Liz do?
LUKE: Ah, she worked me over. She begged me to hire TJ as the contractor on the remodel.
LORELAI: TJ's a contractor?
LUKE: No, and I said "No"! But she made me promise to think about it. And then she sat in the diner staring at me, and then she started to cry, so I kicked her out. And then she went outside and cried and so I could see it through the window. And I couldn't take it anymore, so I said, "OK", knowing we had weeks to figure out how to get out of it. And no work could be done 'cause George hadn't made up the plans. And, in the meantime, TJ could've changed occupations or injured himself bouncing up and down on his trampoline and backed out of the job.
LORELAI: But how could you risk saying "oK" to anything with TJ?
LUKE: Did I mention the crying? Liz is a walking tear duct. Oh, TJ's good! You never see what's coming. Like a big, dumb tsunami. He's that good!
LORELAI: So, what do we do?
LUKE: I'm gonna talk to TJ, but I'm gonna be smart about it, I'm not gonna spook him. I'm gonna be like Michael Corleone dealing with that slimy brother-in-law of his. Get a couple of tickets to a ball game, invite him along. And we'll talk about the beer and the hot dogs we're gonna eat. And then I'm gonna get him to admit that he did this. And then when we get in the car on the way to the ball park, I'm gonna put a rope around his neck and pull it till he's (pulls an imaginary rope) d*ad!
LORELAI: Wait, Wait! You're in the backseat?
LUKE: Yeah! That's the best for garroting. Yes!
LORELAI: No, he's gonna smell something fishy if you hop in the backseat especially if you're driving.
LUKE: No, he's not that bright. It'll work!
LORELAI: Why are you even buying the tickets? You could just sneak up on him and garrote him on the street. Save you the money.
LUKE: I can still go to the game the other way! I'll take my friend Ed. He hasn't been to a game in ages.
LORELAI: Yeah, you're in no state to deal with TJ right now.
LUKE: Maybe not.
LORELAI: And we need to do something about the fact that my bedroom is on display for all to see.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: So, let's figure out what we need to deal with the hole. First things first.
LUKE: (they start walking towards the house) You're right. We need tarp.
LORELAI: Tarp.
LUKE: And some plywood.
LORELAI: Plywood.
LUKE: Staple g*n.
LORELAI: Staple g*n.
LUKE: And rope.
LORELAI: You're not garroting TJ.
LUKE: Skip the rope.
LORELAI: No rope.
LUKE: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: It's not your fault.
LUKE: Eh...I'm dumb.
LORELAI: No, you're not.
LUKE: I'm gonna k*ll him!
LORELAI: No, you're not!
(CUT to pool house, morning. Rory enters. She seems to be back from her Community Service. She looks filthy and tired. She walk over to the pool house kitchen counter where there is a DAR folder waiting for her. She opens it up and looks around miserably)
(CUT to Luke's diner, night. Luke is escorting a customer to the door. It seems to be near closing time)
LUKE: Goodnight, see you again. (he walks over to the counter and starts working on the bills. The diner door opens) Sorry. Kitchen's closed. (turns around and sees Rory at the door) Rory!
RORY: Hi, Luke.
LUKE: Hi.
RORY: So, kitchen's closed.
LUKE: No, no, no! It's not closed. Come on in. (he goes behind the counter to get the coffee pot and a cup, Rory sits on a stool at the counter)
RORY: (Luke starts pouring coffee) Oh!
LUKE: Oh, no. I...I just...I figured.
RORY: No! Yes! You figured right, thank you! (Luke fills up the cup) So, it looks like the town's been doing a little painting.
LUKE: Yeah, Taylor wanted to spiff it up. Those are his words. Put these obnoxious signs up. "Pardon our spiff, it'll just take a jiff". It's dumb.
RORY: Yeah! Dumb.
LUKE: But it...it needed a...spiff.
RORY: Yeah, it looks good. So, I started my community service.
LUKE: Right!
RORY: A little roadwork. Vest and all. 5 hours down, 295 to go.
LUKE: It's good you're chipping away at it.
RORY: Yeah.
LUKE: Yeah...
RORY: So...how are people? Are people good?
LUKE: Yeah, people are good. People are, uh...(Looks uncomfortable and sighs) Your mom and I are engaged.
RORY: Engaged?
LUKE: (nods) Yeah.
RORY: Wow. (holding back tears) Congratulations!
LUKE: Thanks.
RORY: So, I guess I'm gonna go. (gets up from the stool) Um...thank you, for the coffee. (exits the diner. Luke looks miserable)
(CUT to Lorelai's house, early in the morning. Some sort of construction is going on and a ladder is standing up against the porch. Lorelai comes out of the house, she was obviously just woken up by the noise)
LORELAI: TJ.
TJ: Lorelai, hey. Am I glad to see you.
LORELAI: It's like seven a.m., TJ.
TJ: I know the sun ain't even warm yet, and here we are toting that barge. Mr. Taskmaster.
LORELAI: Who? Who has got you toting a barge?
TJ: Look. I need to explain my side in the whole hole thing here. It wasn't my fault.
LORELAI: It wasn't?
TJ: A guy says "OK", that means something to me. You know what it means? It's not so complicated, not like the TV guide or nothing. It means "OK".
LORELAI: It's really early, TJ.
LORELAI: Anyway. I just don't want you to be mad at me. We're gonna be related, you and me.
LORELAI: Well, I'm not mad at you, TJ.
LUKE FROM OS: Hey, get away from her.
TJ: We're just talking.
LUKE: (from on the roof) TJ, stop bothering her, and get up here.
TJ: You want me to bring up a couple more trash bags? I'm figuring we need some.
LUKE: OK. Fine.
TJ: Now, is that OK in the sense that I know that word, Or is that a "Luke OK" that can mean whatever you want it to mean?
LUKE: Just get up here.
TJ: He knew I was a self-starter. OK to a self-starter is like glue to a horse. What else can you do but start galloping? (climbs the ladder to the top of the roof)
LORELAI: Hey, Luke?
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Are you aware of the time?
LUKE: I'm just trying to make it so you don't have to sleep on the couch for the next three months. If you want us to stop, we'll stop.
LORELAI: No, it's just...the sun ain't even warm yet.
TJ: Seven a.m. was Luke's idea. I'd have started at nine so as not to bother people. That's just one guy who thinks that OK means OK's opinion.
LUKE: Would you just keep working?
LORELAI: So, maybe tomorrow, if you're still doing this, it could be eight...ish. I mean, I love that you're doing it, but...
LUKE: Yeah, I needed to start early so I could get this done. Man!
LORELAI: Hey! What's with the 'tude?
LUKE: Nothing. It's just...You know you got a frisbee up here?
LORELAI: A what?
LUKE: A frisbee. Just sitting up here! I mean what are you thinking with that?!
LORELA: It's not my frisbee.
LUKE: So it just walked up here on its own?
LORELAI: Luke, there is a lost frisbee on the roof of every suburban home in America. No less a luminary than Garrison Keillor said that. It's not that big a deal.
LUKE: Every roof, huh? Well, that's a great use of plastic.
LORELAI: It's not my frisbee. I've never played frisbee. What the hell has gotten into you?
LUKE: I told Rory we were engaged.
LORELAI: What?! How? Where?
LUKE: She came into the diner last night. It was awkward and stupid. I ended up telling her we were engaged.
LORELAI: Why?! Why would you do that?
LUKE: Why? Because she had the face.
LORELAI: What face?
LUKE: The Rory face. You know the face.
LORELAI: Yes, but, Luke, you have to ignore the Rory face.
LUKE: That's easy for you to say.
LORELAI: You shouldn't have told her.
LORELAI: Yeah, you should've told her!
LORELAI: NO! She shouldn't have been told anything. So neither of us should've told her.
LUKE: But if one of us isn't gonna tell her more, then I'm the one that shouldn't.
LORELAI: Right. Meaning not you. I should've told her.
LUKE: Then we're in full agreement. You should've told her.
LORELAI: No! That's not what I'm saying.
LUKE: Well you said it, and I agreed, so I win.
LORELAI: How do you win?
LUKE: Because I have the high ground. That gives me the upper hand on anything you got.
LORELAI: Luke.
TJ: (holding up a drill) Something's wrong with this thing.
LUKE: There's nothing wrong with that thing! (picks up the frizbee)
LORELAI: Luke! Rory started this. And right now we're not talking. Remember, tough love? I'm on a path here.
LUKE: She would've seen it in the paper eventually.
LORELAI: Seen what?
LORELAI: Our engagement.
LORELAI: How would it have ended up in the paper?
LUKE: I don't know. She'd open up the paper to the back to one of these stupid pictures of a guy and a girl. Bill's a chiropractor. Nancy's a teacher. They met square dancing. They're on their honeymoon in Florida. And they got these smiles on their faces like their lives are gonna work out the way they dreamt or something...suckers! Those things.
LORELAI: You played right into her hands. You can't do that. She can't just play on our emotions. She has to undo what she's done. Get out of my parents' house. Go back to school.
LUKE: Fine! Maybe I shouldn't have told her anything. Maybe I should've kicked her out, ignored her, whatever! But you got to understand something: I'm in the middle! Yeah, she's your daughter, but I'm in the middle!
LORELAI: (apologetic) I know. You are in the middle.
LUKE: Good! Because you've been acting like you don't know, like you're alone in this or something.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: And I know you don't want my opinion on this, but you're both being dumb, and you should be talking. There. I won't say anything more about any of this again ever. (TJ seems to be having a hard time with the drill, Luke approaches him) TJ. the screw's not going in right 'cause you got the drill on counterclockwise. It's righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
TJ: I've got to remember that.
LUKE: Ugh. (to Lorelai) Right! I got to get back to work. We're gonna be done with what we're doing here today. We won't be here tomorrow.
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: We're okay.
LORELAI: Good. (Luke throws the frisbee at her. Lorelai catches it)
LUKE: Nice catch. (Lorelai looks pleased)
TJ: Yes! That's what I'm talking about. Righty-tighty! (Luke takes the drill from TJ)
(CUT to Community Service, morning).
ROAD SUPERVISOR: OK guys ten minutes for lunch.
(Liza bumps into Rory provocatively as she's fiddling with a garbage bag. Rory bumps into Liza in the same manner. Liza pushes Rory. Rory pushes her back. The girls start fighting. Other people from the Community Service and the road Supervisor break them up)
ROAD SUPERVISOR: Whoa, whoa! Break it up! Come on! Break it up!
(CUT to the Community Service orientation classroom. The first supervisor is talking to Rory)
SUPERVISOR: You're on the side of the road. Cars rushing by, trucks, tractor trailers. You see my point? That's not a playground out there. It's a work environment with inherent dangers. Obvious dangers. And there you are pushing someone around. That's unacceptable. Now, I cannot have you out there with your fight face on. Do you understand me?
RORY: Yes, sir.
(CUT to Lorelai's Jeep, morning. Lorelai is driving listening to some music. She drives by the Community Service spot and she sees Rory. She stops the car and gets out. Rory is talking to the Road Supervisor)
ROAD SUPERVISOR: What's the problem?
RORY: We're gonna need another thing of bags for this next stretch.
COMMUNITY SERVICE ROAD SUPERVISOR: Well, then, you're gonna have to check back on the bus. (walks away)
RORY: Thanks for nothing.
LORELAI: (to Rory) Repaying your debt to society, I assume.
RORY: That's what this is.
LORELAI: System already hardened you?
RORY: So, I guess congratulations are in order.
LORELAI: So, how are things at the new digs?
RORY: You guys set a date yet?
LORELAI: Grandma redecorate the pool house yet?
RORY: Be sure to send me a picture.
LORELAI: Be sure to send me a change-of-address card. Grandma can print them out for you, with a little fleur-de-lis.
RORY: I'm not supposed to be talking to outsiders.
LORELAI: Fine. (turns around and walks away)
RORY: You and Luke getting engaged and not telling me about it. You hurt me.
LORELAI: Back at you
END Of Episode 6.02 - Fight Face
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x02 - Fight Face"} | foreverdreaming |
(OPEN in Lorelai's living room, morning. Lorelai is sleeping and PA is lying on the floor near by. Lorelai wakes up and get's out of bed)
LORELAI: (to PA) Hi! Lets get us a little breakfast. Come on. Come, Paul Anka.
(CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, continuous. PA enters the kitchen and sits on a chair. Lorelai follows him and proceeds to prep up what seems to be a breakfast bouffe)
(CUT to outside of Lorelai's house, continuous. The construction crew is working on the house while Lorelai walks out on the porch)
LORELAI: (to workers) Breakfast! Get it while it's room temperature and nutrient-free!
(CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, continuous. The crew is crammed in the kitchen helping themselves to breakfast)
LORELAI: Milk, cream, and sugar's on the table. Flo's got coffee. Who needs a jolt?
WORKER1: I do.
LORELAI: OK. (pours him coffee) Inspect the bagels closely, because the expiration date was in Braille, apparently, and either they're new or from my baby shower. I'm also sorry to report that we are currently out of the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tarts..(hold up the pop-tart bag)
WORKERS: (disappointed) Ohh!
LORELAI: Huh! Don't "ohh!" me. You guys've been playing favourites all week and now it's time to pay the piper. So someone be a man, suck it up and start eating the shredded wheat. (puts the new box of pop tarts on the table)
WORKERS: (they groan) Ah...come on...
LORELAI: Cowards. (a worker extends his watch hand to pet PA who's still sitting on the chair, Lorelai stops him) Oh, hey, ooh! Remember, people, only pet the dog with your non-watch hand. In case you don't remember: Watches cause him to freak out, jump up on the counter, and kick my once-working toaster across the room.
LUKE: (entering the kitchen holding a big box from Luke's) Your muffins.
LORELAI: My...what?
LUKE: You left me an urgent message about needing muffins.
LORELAI: Oh, Right! (to workers) Muffins, boys!
LUKE: These were for them?
LORELAI: Oh, no. They were for me. I thought I'd try to eat my weight in muffins today.
LUKE: Does the dog have to sit in the chair like that?
LORELAI: Like what? His posture's perfect.
LUKE: Chairs are for people.
LORELAI: Not that chair. That's Paul Anka's chair.
LUKE: Dogs are filthy. They have fleas and malaria on them. You shouldn't have fleas and malaria in the room that you're gonna eat in.
LORELAI: I don't eat in here, (pointing to the workers) they do.
LUKE: (to workers) Enjoying your free breakfast there, fellas? Nice free coffee there, Craig. Nice free muffin there, Benny.
LORELAI: Gee, Luke. I don't think they know what you're getting at.
LUKE: OK. That?s good. You done here? Cause Tom wants to talk to us.
(CUT to outside of Lorelai's house, continuous. Luke and Lorelai walk on the porch. TJ is walking amongst the workers bossing them around. Tom is also around)
TJ: All right, Norman. I'm gonna need you to find me some cripple studs for that bearing wall we're putting in.
Cause once that sucker's vertical, we got to be ready to nail in those joists.
TOM: Just keep doing what you're doing there, and then bring those tools up to Chick.
TJ: So, Steve, later today we're gonna need to dig a footing drain all around the perimeter about 5 feet deep.
That ought to keep the basement dry. Hey Jim...(walks away)
STEVE: (to Tom) This house doesn't have a basement.
TOM: No, it certainly does not.(Tom approaches Luke and Lorelai who are standing on the porch)
LUKE: OK! This is ridiculous. How long are you gonna let TJ think that he's the contractor?
LORELAI: To the very end, my friend.
LUKE: This is stupid. We have to tell him the truth.
LORELAI: No, look how happy he is strutting around in his tool belt and shiny silver helmet. You know he polishes that thing every night after work?
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: Yes, really! With real silver polish. That's what he thinks silver polish is for: to polish anything that's silver. I think that's adorable.
TOM: And the good news is, he's got terrible instincts. But he combines that with absolutely zero follow-through, so it all works out in the end.
LORELAI: (to Luke) Huh? Terrible instincts, zero follow-through... all the qualities you want in a good pretend contractor.
LUKE: But we're paying TJ a contractor's salary to do a job that he's not actually doing. And you're paying Tom an extra 10% to pretend he's not doing a job that TJ thinks he's doing but Tom is actually doing. You should hire Blake Edwards as your contractor.
TOM: Oh, no! TJ'S playing with the circular saw. (runs towards TJ)
LUKE: (mumbling) Oh, man...
LORELAI: What!...Tom will get to him before he even finds the "on" switch.
LUKE: We're going to tell him.
LORELAI: Luke, he is your brother-in-law.
LUKE: Just because Liz married him.
LORELAI: Yeah, but this makes him happy. Which makes Liz happy, which will make you happy, which will make me happy.
LUKE: Well, just so you know, I'm gonna oversee this entire thing. OK? I'm gonna make sure TJ doesn't blow the house up.
LORELAI: And I appreciate that. Now will you please go make the guys an extra pot of coffee? I'm gonna go to Babette's and take a shower.
LUKE: Why? Your shower's working.
LORELAI: oh..well..yeah...we just had a little incident in here yesterday.
LUKE: What kind of an incident?
LORELAI: Nothing big. Some of the guys saw me naked.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It's no big thing.
LUKE: How in hell did a couple of guys see you naked?
LORELAI: Well I was getting out of the shower, and Joe...
LUKE: Joe? Joe saw you naked?
LORELAI: And Pete.
LUKE: Pete!
LORELAI: Well Pete was with Joe, and then Slim...
LUKE: Slim saw you naked?!
LORELAI: Well I could see him, so I assume he could see me. Billy had the best view, just a straight sh*t right down main street.
LUKE: So four guys saw you naked?
LORELAI: Well if you don't count Teddy, then
yes!
LUKE: What in the hell were those guys doing up there in the first place?
LORELAI: TJ accidentally sent them up.
LUKE: I'm gonna k*ll him.
LORELAI: Luke, it was no big deal. Please! We all laughed about it. Look, from now on, I'm showering at Babette's, so show's over. No one sees the goods but you. OK?
(Lorelai kisses Luke and exits. She walk past Norman who then approaches Luke, pats him on the back and gives him an approving nod. Luke does not look pleased)
(OPENING CREDITS)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion dining room, morning. Rory and Emily are sitting at the table, having breakfast. A maid serves them)
RORY: They're good.
EMILY: They're stale. And the blueberries aren't even blue. They're red. My God! These blueberries are red!
RORY: They're raspberries.
EMILY: Well the box said they were blueberry. It was printed right on the side.
RORY: Actually, I was in the kitchen, and the box said...
EMILY: (cuts Rory off) She just kills me, that woman.
RORY: It really wasn't as provocative as you think, Grandma.
EMILY: (picks up a piece of paper and starts reading from it) "On my last visit to the office, I noticed the foliage on the right side of the entrance looked a little peaked. We might want to let the gardener know. Ta, ladies."
RORY: Again. It's not exactly Martin Luther nailing the 95 theses to a door.
EMILY: It's implying that I have no control over my hirelings at the DAR. I'm the president. The foliage on the right side of the door, which looks fine, by the way, is my responsibility. This is a direct frontal as*ault on my leadership. The woman's plotting a coup.
RORY: This is Constance, right?
EMILY: Constance Betterton. Ever since the Mastersons' Christmas party, when I mentioned that Constance's husband sells used cars for a living, which he does - he calls them "pre-owned", but they are used - she's had it in for me. She's gonna run against me in the next election. You don't try to oust a president of the DAR, after one term. It's an insult!
RORY: I think you will b*at her handily.
EMILY: Did I tell you she tried to push me down the stairs once?
RORY: Look, Grandma. Don't worry. You have someone on the inside now.
RORY: I do? Who?
RORY: Me.
EMILY: Oh. Yes!
RORY: I'll keep an eye on Constance, from now on. Let you know when she comes in, when she uses the computer, when she's inspecting the landscaping...
EMILY: Well, that's wonderful! But stay out of the stairwell.
RORY: Will do.
EMILY: (starts eating her breakfast) Mmm! Raspberry. I like raspberry!
(CUT to Community Service, morning. Rory is walking around doing her Community service with great ease and determination. She seems to have taken up a leading role in the whole garbage picking thing)
COMMUNITY WORKER1: Twist ties?
RORY: Twist ties over there. Is that bag half full or half empty, Jules? Oh, you're making me an optimist, my friend.
LIZA: (walks up to Rory) Rory?
RORY: Liza?
LIZA: (needy) Rory?
RORY: No! We agreed. Not until the end of your shift.
LIZA: But, I don't think the patch works on me. (she lifts her shirt a bit to reveal her stomach, and we see she's wearing several nicotine patches)
RORY: That is like a billion milligrams of nicotine.
LIZA: Is that bad?
RORY: Just, go sit by the cooler, have some water, and take those off. (Liza walks away)
ROAD SUPERVISOR: (approaches Rory) Problem?
RORY: No. I just told her to get water. She seems really dehydrated.
ROAD SUPERVISOR: Looks pretty good.
RORY: Yeah! I think we've h*t a really good rhythm here. I've paired up Rinaldi and Spiro, which worked out very efficiently. Sanderson got a little grumpy toward the end of the day, but it's 'cause he wants to be noticed, and he is by far our best spearman. Also we need to remember to pack a couple of extra trash spears tomorrow. The McFarland brothers are using the trash pickup to get out some of that pent-up aggression, which is psychologically healthy but hard on the equipment.
ROAD SUPERVISOR: Got it. So, what's it looking like?
RORY: Well, our quota's up. The kids are tired. I think it's time to call it a day.
ROAD SUPERVISOR: Do it!
RORY: All right, everybody. Let's bring it in! (the community workers start gathering their stuff)
LIZA: Hey! A bunch of the girls are going out for pizza, if you want to come.
COMMUNITY WORKER2: I'll come.
LIZA: Are you a girl?
COMMUNITY WORKER2: No.
RORY: I would, but I can't. I've got a 3-hour shift at the nursing home.
LIZA: I can't believe how much community service they stuck you with. What the hell'd you do?
RORY: I sh*t a man in Reno. (Liza starts laughing and after bit it turns into coughing) Give it! (Liza gives Rory a pack of cigarettes, and the girls start to walk off, while Liza is still coughing)
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn, morning. Lorelai and Paris are having some sort of lunch date at the Inn dining room. They are sitting at a table, Paris is talking and Lorelai looks bored)
PARIS: The truth is, this is the first time in my life that I've consistently spent the night with a man.
LORELAI: Uh huh...
PARIS: I don't know the rules. Obviously, the clothes have to come off for the actual sex part of the evening, but, afterward, what are you supposed to do? I mean nightgowns are obviously out, but wearing nothing seems extreme. And, in case of f*re, completely impractical.
LORELAI: I'm sure.
PARIS: I wore a camisole one night. It almost strangled me. And I'm definitely not a teddy girl, so what does that leave?
LORELAI: Um...t-shirts.
PARIS: But what does a t-shirt say about me?
LORELAI: Well...
PARIS: More importantly: what does it say to Doyle about me?
LORELAI: Sweetie, it's just a t-shirt. They don't tend to be that chatty.
PARIS: I don't know. Maybe I should reconsider the "completely naked" option. After all, I'm 21. If not now, when? I mean, right now, my ass is probably as good as it's ever going to get. I should exploit that, right?
LORELAI: Absolutely! Buy a video camera and go to town.
PARIS: You know what? I'm starting to fade here.
LORELAI: Oh, me too. Listen, it's been a terrific lunch...
PARIS: I think I'll get another espresso.
LORELAI: Actually, we're out of espresso.
PARIS: You are?
LORELAI: Yes! Uh...We shut the machine down at three o'clock to give it a rest. 'Cause it's Italian, so it's a little temperamental.
PARIS: Oh. Okay. Well, then, I guess I should...
LORELAI: (cuts Paris off)...Go? Really? Okay. Well, hmm. (she gets up and Paris follows her lead, then Lorelai starts kinda pushing Paris towards the Inn's main entrance) Sweetie, it's been a blast, again.
PARIS: OK. So, I guess I'll see you Tuesday.
LORELAI: Yeah, Tuesday. Perfect. Can't wait. Mmmmmkay. (Paris exits the Inn and Lorelai walks away)
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, continuous. Michel is standing there doing...well nothing, as Sookie is working and Lorelai walks in)
MICHEL: Is she gone?
LORELAI: Yes, she's gone.
MICHEL: Thank God!
LORELAI: I can't believe you're in here hiding from a little girl. (walks over to the coffee pot and starts pouring some in a cup)
MICHEL: Oh, yes, you can.
LORELAI: She has a tough exterior, but on the inside Paris is...
MICHEL: Tokyo Rose!
LORELAI: She's lonely. She does not have a lot of friends.
SOOKIE: No! Shocker!
LORELAI: Sookieeee...
SOOKIE: No! No "Sookie". She's horrible. I mean, she sends everything back twice, and she makes the waiters write down exactly what she wants me to know is wrong with the food.
MICHEL: At least you're hidden in here. I'm out there, behind a desk, exposed to all of her elements.
LORELAI: Michel!
MICHEL: She mocked my accent. She called me "Canadian".
SOOKIE: It's enough already. I won't cook for her anymore.
MICHEL: (distasteful) Lunches.
SOOKIE: Twice a week for three weeks?
MICHEL: They are creepy. The next thing you know, you'll be carrying Emmanuel Lewis around on your shoulders.
SOOKIE: We don't have time for this, Lorelai. We have a wedding this week. I've got a menu to plan and a cake to design. I don't have time to map out the fish patterns for my wild salmon.
LORELAI: OK, OK! I'm sorry if she's bothering you guys. I... What can I do? I gave her my cell phone number. I told her to call, I just didn't think she'd use it sooo often.
SOOKIE: Well, cut it off.
LORELAI: I feel sorry for her.
MICHEL: No one likes to be pitied.
LORELAI: Fine. I have to cut it off. I know. I will.
MICHEL: Do you promise?
LORELAI: I promise.
SOOKIE: Good! Because I've got a lot of work to do. And we've got a ton of planning to do for this wedding next week, and the menu's a mess, and the cake... (gasps) I was thinking about doing a red velvet cake, but I don't know. And I'm using this wedding as a trial run, so it has to be perfect.
LORELAI: A trial run for what?
SOOKIE: For your wedding.
LORELAI: oh.
SOOKIE: Yeah...Which will be when?
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: When?
LORELAI: When what?
SOOKIE: When will you be getting married? I'm gonna need a date.
LORELAI: we...We haven't set one yet.
SOOKIE: well...I had Michel black out all of July for next year.
LORELAI: You what!
SOOKIE: I figured you and Luke for an outdoorsy summer wedding.
LORELAI: Who and Luke?
SOOKIE: July 23rd is my pick, but I am flexible.
LORLAI: Michel, unblack it out.
MICHEL: I told you.
LORELAI: "I told you" what?
MICHEL: I told her that you were not getting married.
LORELAI: I am getting married.
SOOKEI: (disappointed and a bit shocked) You were right. You called it.
MICHEL: The woman can't commit to a purse, much less a man.
LORELAI: I am getting married.
SOOKIE: I am so naive. I believed.
MICHEL: Live and learn.
LORELAI: Hey! I am getting married. I am. We will set a date. And we will get married on that date. And I've had the same purse for almost a year, thank you very much.
MICHEL: Of course. My mistake. Now let me go cancel your wedding plans. (exits)
LORELAI: (calls after Michel) Those are not my wedding plans. They are Sookie's wedding plans.
SOOKIE: Well! Fine, then! What are your wedding plans?
LORELAI: They haven't been formalized, yet.
SOOKIE: What does that mean?
LORELAI: Sookie, come on! I got men running around my house, a completely destroyed bedroom. Things are crazy right now. When they calm down, and Luke and I get a chance to breathe, we will talk and set the date. Until then, can we drop it, please?
SOOKIE: Fine. It's dropped.
MICHEL: (runs in the kitchen) She's back! She's coming back!
SOOKIE: No!
LORELAI: Why?!
MICHEL: I don't know why. Maybe she left her phone or her spell book. All I knw is she's heading back toward the Inn, and I'm not going out until she leaves.
LORELAI: Michel, you're being ridiculous. You're a grown man and you have a job to do.
MICHEL: So do you. And I don't see you rushing out.
LORELAI: Well, I can't, 'cause I'm not done with my coffee yet. (holds up her cup) Mmm! Good to the last drop.
(CUT to DAR office, morning. Rory is sitting at her desk typing something oh her PC. The phone rings. Rory picks it up)
RORY: Daughters Of The American Revolution. Mrs. Tarkington, yes. I've got your application right here. Sandra Tarkington. Um...I guess we just need to make 100% sure that you're related to a verifiable patriot, because we couldn't substantiate it on our end. Well, see, that's the thing. The fact that you found a musket in your great-uncle's attic doesn't necessarily mean you're related to a revolutionary w*r patriot. Yeah. (Emily comes in the office) Unfortunately. Even if your great-uncle Nate swore on your aunt Kissy's grave that it was so. It's documented genealogy, preferably notarised. Could you hold on for a moment? (Puts the call on hold. To Emily) Psst. Where's Julia?
EMILY: Slinked to the back after I tore down Constance's letter.
RORY: Good, 'cause I've got some gossip.
EMILY: (sits on a chair. Excited and in a co spiriting manor) My own little Valerie Plame. What's the news?
RORY: OK. So, I was at lunch with some of the girls, and I started sniffing around. Just casually asking if anyone had any funny stories about Constance.
EMILY: You sly fox!
RORY: So, one of the girls tells me that about three months ago, she was in the office with Constance, and as Constance was heading out for lunch, she stumbled and dropped her purse, and her altoids box popped open, spilling out enough funny-looking pills to fill a pharmacy. Constance claimed that they were all vitamins. Julia didn't buy it. Because he minute the pills spilled out, Constance threw herself on top of them to cover them up.
EMILY: A cover-up! That's good! That's what took Nixon down. Oh, this is so exciting! I love having a mole. We should go buy you a trench coat and fedora.
RORY: I suggested to the girls that next week we invite Constance to lunch. Get a couple drinks in her and see what comes up.
EMILY: Who knew that behind such a sweet face lurked the soul of a spy?
RORY: I prefer the term "woman of mystery and intrigue". (cell phone rings) Excuse me. (answers the phone) Hello?
PARIS: (on the phone) Rory?
RORY: Oh, hey, Paris. (Emily gets up)
PARIS: (on the phone) Hey. We need to talk. Is this a bad time? (Emily excuses herself)
RORY: (whispering to Emily) Okay. (to Paris on the phone) No, no, now's a fine time. What's up?
PARIS: (at the Yale coffee stand. Scene cuts between Paris at Yale, and Rory at the office) Good. This hard-to-reach thing was getting old.
RORY: I'm all yours, Paris.
PARIS: I have to put down a security deposit
today, by five o'clock, or we lose the place.
RORY: What place?
PARIS: Our place.
RORY: Our place where?
PARIS: Our off-campus place. You're hard to reach in a myriad of ways.
RORY: Paris, we don't have a place. I'm not moving off campus with you.
PARIS: Why?
RORY: Because I no longer go to campus.
PARIS: So you're sticking with this "not going to Yale" thing of yours?
RORY: Yes, I am.
PARIS: Is this about the boat?
RORY: How do you know about the boat?
PARIS: Oh, come on. It's out there.
RORY: Out there? Why is it out there? How is it out there?
PARIS: I read about it on Rebecca Thurston's blog.
RORY: You're kidding.
PARIS: d*ad serious.
RORY: I thought Rebecca Thurston's blog was just about all the guys she has sex with and how much she hates her mother.
PARIS: That's true. But the boat you guys stole belongs to Dr. Daniel Zimmerman, whose son is Jason Zimmerman, who Rebecca Thurston had sex with on her father's boat last semester.
RORY: I can't believe I'm in the blogosphere.
PARIS: Hey, see for yourself. Just Google "Rory Gilmore sex boat".
RORY: Oh, my god.
PARIS: Is it true you and Logan tried to outrace the Connecticut coast guard?
RORY: Rent the apartment, Paris. I'm not coming back to Yale.
PARIS: You know, you've put me in a very difficult position. Now what if I end up renting the room to a r*pist or serial k*ller?
RORY: I told you over two months ago that I was not coming back. And besides, i think Yale is pretty good about screening for rapists and serial K*llers.
PARIS: There was no sense of finality in our last conversation.
RORY: There was a total sense of finality.
PARIS: Well, you can believe that if you want to, but if I end up on the front page of the Hartford Courier btk'd to death, you'll know why.
RORY: Goodbye, Paris. (hangs up and sits on her desk. She sighs in frustration)
(CUT to Lorelai's house, night. At the door we see Luke's shape behind the class window, knocking. From inside the house you can hear the laughter of a few men and Lorelai. Nobody is getting the door so Luke helps himself in)
LORELAI (OS) : OK guys, let me just get in character here. (the men laugh)
LUKE: (while coming in the house) Hello?
(CUT to Lorelai's living room, continuous. Luke walks in. Lorelai is apparently entertaining the workers)
LORELAI: (in a fake male voice) I will find you, no matter how long, no matter how far! I will find you!
LUKE: What the hell's going on here?
LORELAI: Hey, Luke. I'm just doing my Daniel Day Lewis retrospective for the guys.
NORMAN: You should see her rendition of "My Left Foot"
LUKE: Yeah. I've seen it. Thanks.
LORELAI: No, no! This time, I did it with my right foot. Totally different. Here, I'll show you. (to a worker) Pete hand me the paintbrush.
LUKE: That's okay. I'm good. Uh, you know, there's a bunch of open paint cans sitting out on the porch.
LORELAI: Yeah...They'll get to it. We didn't want the pizza to get cold. Hey! Check out this new trick we just taught Paul Anka. Hey, Paul Anka, pizza! (PA barks) Pizza, pizza! (PA barks twice) Salad. (PA doesn't bark. Lorelai and the men laugh. Luke doesn't look impressed) Good boy. Good boy. Oh, sh**t, I'm out of treats. Be right back. (she starts walking to the kitchen. Luke follows her)
(CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, continuous. Tom is sitting at the table looking over some plans and paper work. Luke and Lorelai walk in)
LUKE: You know those guys are here to work. You don't have to put a USO show on for them.
LORELAI: I know. I just want them to have a good time.
LUKE: Half of them have seen you naked. How much better a time can they have?
LORELAI: He's jealous of my popularity, Tom.(gets her purse)
TOM: Sure. I get that.
LUKE: Tom, do other clients feed their construction crews breakfast and lunch and buy them pizza and beer?
TOM: Nope.
LUKE: See.
TOM: Of course, the naked thing's been done to death.
LORELAI: All right, Tom. We're outie. Anything we need to discuss before we go?
TOM: Nope. We talked about everything but the kitchen.
LORELAI: What about the kitchen?
TOM: Well, do we want to make it bigger?
LORELAI: Why would we want to make it bigger?
TOM: Well, you might want a nice double oven or a sub-zero freezer. (Lorelai looks unmoved) There's room enough for an island and a cooking station with some stools around it for entertaining.(Lorelai looks a bit scared) You know, for dinner parties. Or maybe you want to cook a big holiday dinner. Thanksgiving or Christmas.
LORELAI: (to Luke) The strange man is scaring me.
LUKE: I think the kitchen's fine, Tom. (door opens)
TJ: (coming in the house) Okay. Everybody can relax because your trusty contractor has returned. Boy, what a trip. Traffic was terrible. It took me an entire day. Here you go, Tom. (produces a hammer from a paper bag he's holding) The mystic hammer.
TOM: Thank you, TJ.
TJ: I gotta tell ya. I don't see what's so special about it. It looks an awful lot like every other hammer we got lying around here.(hands the hammer over to Tom)
TOM: (takes the hammer) Well, that's the beauty of the mystic hammer, TJ. It looks the same, but it's completely different.
LUKE: Tom, make sure those cans are cleaned up out there, OK?
LORELAI: Oh, my god with the paint cans already.
LUKE: I almost tripped over the cans.
TOM: Don't worry, Luke. I'll take care of it.
TJ: (as he's inspecting the room, he first notices the door to Rory's room) Hey! (knocks on the door) Did you guys know there was a room back here? (opens the door) Oh, yeah, look at this, a whole room! What a find, huh?
LUKE: (closes the door quickly. Lorelai looks uncomfortable) TJ!
TJ: Boy, if you knocked out this wall here, opened up this room, you would have a huge kitchen.
LUKE: Yeah, we don't want a huge kitchen, TJ.
TJ: Oh, then you could turn it into a weight room, or a workshop...Or, hey, a pork-smoker room. My uncle had a pork-smoker room. Big sides of pork hanging all over the place. We called it the d*ad-pig room.
LUKE: TJ, why don't you go out there and tell the guys they can go home.
TJ: It's not that big a job. I could have it up and running for you in a week. (Luke looks over at Lorelai a bit concerned, Lorelai is still uncomfortable and upset) All I got to do is drive over to Boston for one of those special sledgehammers Tom was telling me about, get a pig, and in about 10 minutes I...
LORELAI: (clearly upset) Just leave the room alone, OK! Just...it's fine. Leave it alone. (to Luke) Let's go. (Lorelai and Luke exit from the kitchen door)
TJ: (to Tom) Is she Jewish or something?
(CUT to a kind of gym or reception hall of some kind, night. Lane's band, Hep Alien, are in towards the end of one of their concerts. They crowd seems to be very into the band's performance. They are dancing and seem to be having a good time. The song the band was playing ends. The audience cheers and applauds)
ZACH: Whoo!
GIL: YEAH!
ZACH: Massachusetts, we love you!
GIL: We love you, man!
ZACH: We'd like to give some shout-outs before we go. First and foremost, to Pastor Tim. (indicates Pastor Tim who's standing at the side of the hall. Pastor Tim gestures in what he would consider a cool way)
GIL: Yeah! Pastor Tim! (Gil plays an honorary riff)
ZACH: Thanks for letting us rock the gym here at Whitfield Seventh Day Adventist Church.
GIL: Got into some very heavy talk with the Pastor about my soul and Ecclesiastes, and stuff, after sound check. And I got to say, if Christ comes back in fulfilment of prophecy, he's gonna be hooking up with you first, dude, 'cause you are awesome.(the crowd cheers and applauds. Pastor Tim looks a bit embarrassed but pleased)
ZACH: We would like to also thank the decoration committee, for making the AV Room look so cool. (as Lane gets up from her stool and comes to the front of the stage the crowd cheers and applauds)
GIL: Yeah! I've played the Whiskey before, man, and it's got a similar vibe. It does!
ZACH: But most important, we'd like to thank all of you for coming out to see us, letting us into your homes, and making us feel so welcome.(the crows cheers again) We got to go!
GIL: We are going home, people!
ZACH: There are some t-shirts and stuff for sale on the table over there. We are zach, Gil, Brian, and Lane, and we are Hep Alien, and we are out of here! (they give the audience a bow, and they get one last cheer and a round of applause. The crowd starts scattering as Zach turns to Lane) We were so on, man.
LANE: We were beyond on. We were...ohh!(gives Zach a kiss)
ZACH: Cool.
GIL: Watch it, Lane. The Pastor's still hanging.
BRIAN: We were as tight as the Foo Fighters.
GIL: Tighter. Listen, if that pretentious little snot in Coldplay can walk around comparing himself to Bono, we can compare ourselves to the Foo Fighters.
LANE: I'm exhausted but exhilarated, you know. I'm not gonna sleep for months.
ZACH: (excited) Oh, cool! There's people buying t-shirts. We can get some food tonight.
GIL: Just leave money for gas.
LANE: We'll have money for gas, guys. Don't worry. Let's just drink this in. The last night of our first tour.
BRIAN: I can't believe it's over.
ZACH: I can't believe we survived. (Pastor Tim approaches the stage and calls Gil. he whispers something in his ear)
GIL: You got it, Pastor Tim. (to the rest of the band) We got to break it down, guys. They want to start setting up for bible study, tomorrow, and they need the stage for their big crucifix.(the band starts gathering their stuff. Lane looks very happy)
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, morning. Sookie is hiding something tall from Lorelai with some steel trays)
SOOKIE: Okay, here we go. (excited) Aah! (reaveals a very nice chocolate wedding cake)
LORELAI: Oooh! What is that? And where can I get one?
SOOKIE: That is my dark chocolate s'mores wedding cake.
LORELAI: You've been reading my diary.
SOOKIE: I got the idea in a dream. I was back in cooking school and late for my final, and I run over to an oven, and I open it, and sitting there is the s'mores wedding cake. And I present it to my teacher, he starts weeping, and the whole class is applauding and cheering.
LORELAI: That's so nice.
SOOKIE: Yeah! And then of course Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise come leaping out of the cake, screaming about how amazing it is. So that made the whole thing a little creepy, but up until then...
LORELAI: Look, you've got a marshmallow bride and groom on the top!
SOOKIE: You think they'll like it?
LORELAI: I do.
SOOKIE: You think you'll like it?
LORELAI: Look, captain Ahab...
SOOKIE: Come on, set the date.
LORELAI: I will!
SOOKIE: Is there something you're not telling me? Because agreeing to marry somebody is just as big a commitment as actually marrying them. So don't think it's not.
LORELAI: I am committed. And you should be. So...
SOOKIE: This isn't a joking matter, missy. I want your wedding to be perfect, or I want nothing to do with it.
LORELAI: (mock disappointment) Oh, really? Wow. That might be a problem. Cause I was really hoping for one of those disastrous weddings where we lose both rings minutes before the ceremony and I get a nosebleed as I'm walking down the aisle. And then, later, at the reception, Luke is found in the coat-check room Jude Law-ing it with one of the bridesmaids.
MICHEL: (walks in the kitchen) Hey. I just received a call that the wedding party will not be getting in until midnight, and someone will need to be here to greet them. I would do it, but I don't want to.
LORELAI: All right, I'll do it.
MICHEL: Very well. I'll leave the...wait. Do you feel that?
LORELAI: Feel what?
MICHEL: An icy chill as if something sinister is approaching.
SOOKIE: What?
MICHEL: (hums the witch's theme from "The Wizard Of Oz") Ta-ta-ra-ta-ra-ra-Taraaaaaa
LORELAI: Gee, Michel, is Paris here?
MICHEL: Maybe she was coming up the walk when I fled. (starts walking away)
LORELAI: Where are you going?
MICHEL: In the opposite direction.(exits trough the kitchen door)
SOOKIE: Paris? Paris is here? (at Michel who has already left) Oh! I get the humming now!(chuckles. Puts on a serious face and turns to Lorelai) What is she doing here?
LORELAI: We're having lunch.
SOOKIE: Really? Ordering pizza are ya?
LORELAI: No, Sookie. I'm breaking up with her today, all right? I'm ending it, like I promised, so back off.
SOOKIE: Grilled chicken and fries. That is all I'm making.(walks over to the fridge)
LORELAI: Thank you. (the kitchen staff walk in quickly telling each other to hurry up and move along in hushed voices) Apparently, the eagle has landed.(exits)
(CUT to Dragonfly's dining hall, continuous. Lorelai walks in and approaches Paris who is waiting for her)
LORELAI: Paris, hi. Good to see you. You look good. Something different? (they hug)
PARIS: I accidentally sprayed gasoline on myself at the service station.
LORELAI: Well that must be it. Come on, let's sit. (they sit at a table)
PARIS: Sorry I'm late, I was interviewing roommates. And all I can say is build an ark, 'cause it is seriously time for a flood.
LORELAI: Oh, well, you want some iced tea?(gestures to a waiter)
PARIS: I mean, forget the concept of intelligence or even the simple act of carrying on a conversation. (waiter comes over and starts filling glasses of iced tea for them) These people can't type a reference sheet. I mean they all have questionable morals, a complete distrust of soap products...(to waiter who's pouring her ice tea) in the glass, out of the glass. It's all semantics to you, right?
LORELAI: (excuses the waiter) Oh...well, I'm sure you'll find someone. You just have to keep looking.
PARIS: I guess. It's just, classes start next week, and things are already getting crazy.
LORELAI: Yeah. Boy. You sound really busy, Paris.
PARIS: I am.
LORELAI: You know, I feel a little bad, dragging you all the way out here when you have so much on your plate. I mean, talk about self-centred, huh? Think about someone else for a change, Lorelai.
PARIS: Oh, that's okay.
LORELAI: You know, I'll be totally fine if you need to cut back on our lunches.
PARIS: Cut back?
LORELAI: Cut back, cut out. Whatever you need, is fine with me.
PARIS: You know, this all sucks. I wouldn't be in this position if it weren't for Rory. She was supposed to room with me. It was all planned out. I even called her yesterday and gave her one more chance to change her mind, but no.
LORELAI: You talked to Rory yesterday?
PARIS: Yeah, I called her at the office.
LORELAI: (surprised) Office? What office?
PARIS: Her office.
LORELAI: She has an office. What is she doing?
PARIS: I don't know...Her job.
LORELAI: What job?
PARIS: Some job in an office with her grandmother.
LORELAI: Well, her grandmother does not have an office.
PARIS: Well, that's where I called her.
LORELAI: This makes no sense to me at all. What did it sound like?
PARIS: An office.
LORELAI: Yes, I know an office, but were there specific office sounds?
PARIS: I think I heard a fax machine.
LORELAI: A fax machine? Are you sure it was a fax machine?
PARIS: Pretty sure.
LORELAI: Well, were there people talking or traffic? Did you hear traffic, cause that could give us a location. (Paris looks at Lorelai suspiciously) City, the county or...what?
PARIS: So that's what this is all about. You're just using me to get to Rory?
LORELAI: Aw, Paris.
PARIS: You're pumping me full of espresso and pumping me for information.
LORELAI: No, that is not true. I'm not pumping. No pumping. We're completely pump-free.
PARIS: I'm so stupid. I mean why else would you want to have biweekly lunches with me?
LORELAI: There are many, many reasons. And they will come to me just in a second.
PARIS: I'm blind. I walk blindly through life.
LORELAI: No. Now, you're not blind.
PARIS: I'll leave. I'll go right now. (gets up)
LORELAI: Oh, Paris, please. (stops her from leaving) I'm sorry. You mentioned Rory, and a thing went off in my brain. It's just a mother thing. But I love our lunches. I really do. Please stay.
PARIS: Are you sure? Because I could just...
LORELAI: Yes. I'm completely positive. Everything's good. Now, won't you sit down? (Paris sits back on her chair) How does chicken sound, OK?
PARIS: OK. Just not too dry.
LORELAI: OK.(sighs)
PARIS: (looks around as no waiter is approaching them) The service here sucks.
(CUT to nursing home, afternoon. A few people from the nursing home are dancing around to some jazz playing from a vinyl record. Rory is supervising, apparently doing some of her Community Service)
RORY: (to a couple dancing) Very smooth, Mr. Hollister.
Mr HOLLISTER: That was the Susy-Q right into the Shorty George.
RORY: I thought it looked familiar.
Mr HOLLISTER: And after this song, I'll take you for a twirl.
RORY: Oh, I hope I can keep up. (to another couple) Watch those hands, Mr. Fink. (the record starts skipping) I'm on it. (fixes the problem. To couples dancing) You know, I can get this for you guys on CD. (the elders laugh) Oh, now, come on. It wasn't that funny. (notices someone at the door. It's Logan) Oh, my god. Hey, stranger! (walks over to him)
LOGAN: And hello to you. (they kiss)
Mr FINK: Watch those hands, Miss Gilmore.
RORY: Touche, Mr. Fink. (to Logan) What are you doing here?
LOGAN: Well, I was in Copenhagen this morning, and then I remembered I've a four o'clock Mambo class.
RORY: I'm so glad you're back. How was Europe?
LOGAN: Same as it was last year.
RORY: (noticing a bandage on Logan's finger) What did you do?
LOGAN: Long, embarrassing story. I'll tell you later.
RORY: OK. Oh, wait. Hold on. (stops the record player and addresses the elders) Okay, everyone. It is time for cake and punch. (a nursing home worker comes in with a trolley. The elders groan a bit) It's only a 15-minute break, and then it's back to the dance floor.
LOGAN: So you're Arthur Murray now?
RORY: No, I don't have that much training. Their dance teacher has an inner-ear infection. I'm just filling in. My job is to make sure nobody falls down.
LOGAN: Aaand, what if somebody does?
RORY: That's what the panic button is for. (indicating a red button on the wall)
LOGAN: (laughing) So, when does this crazy rock 'n' roll party wrap up?
RORY: Another 45 minutes. But if you get yourself some cake and punch, it'll only seem like 40. (they kiss) I missed you.
LOGAN: That was my plan.(Rory chuckles as Logan walks away, and then changes a record on the player)
(CUT to pool house, night. Rory walks to the couch, from the kitchen bringing Logan a glass of...something wearing Logan's shirt. Logan is sitting on the couch covered up in a comforter. She gives him the glass)
LOGAN: Thank you. (takes the glass from her)
RORY: You're welcome.(settles down on the couch and covers herself with another comforter) I missed this.
LOGAN: Me too.
RORY: Oh, so you, Colin, and Finn didn't do a lot of cuddling in Europe?
LOGAN: Nah, mostly just hand-holding.
RORY: So is there any official record of this trip, or was all evidence confiscated at the airport?
LOGAN: I got pictures.
RORY: Yeah? Can I see?
LOGAN: (point to his bag) Hand me that. (puts the glass down as Rory reaches for the bag and gives it to him)
Now, you realize if I show you mine, you have to show me yours.(gets his cell phone out of the bag)
RORY: You saw mine about five minutes ago, mister.
LOGAN: Oh, I hate it when you work blue. (fiddling with his phone) Okay. Here's Colin sleeping on the train.
RORY: Uh huh...
LOGAN: And here's Finn shoving carrot sticks up Colin's nose as Colin sleeps on the train.
RORY: Very mature.
LOGAN: We try. This is Gloucestershire, England...
RORY: It's pretty.
LOGAN: ...where we attended the famous Gloucestershire Cheese-Rolling festival, a time-honoured tradition where brave men, such as myself, climb to the top of a hill with a large wheel of cheese, then proceed push it and run after it as it rolls all the way down.
RORY: Shut up. Why would you commit that to film? (takes the phone from Logan)
LOGAN: That's me, that's Colin, that's Finn, and that is the cheese.
RORY: So if you b*at your cheese to the bottom of the hill, are you disqualified, or do you win?
LOGAN: There are no winners or losers in the Gloucestershire Cheese-Rolling festival.
RORY: Well there certainly aren't any winners.
LOGAN: Tell me about it. (indicating his bandaged finger)
RORY: Who's that?
LOGAN: Ah! Now that's the love of Colin's life.
RORY: Colin fell in love?
LOGAN: Yeah. He met her in Holland and she doesn't speak a word of English, so she has no idea how incredibly annoying she finds him.
RORY: What's with the outfit?
LOGAN: She's a milkmaid.
RORY: Stop!
LOGAN: She has cows. She has pails.
RORY: (amused) Colin fell in love with a milkmaid?
LOGAN: It's pretty serious, too. He ditched us and followed her to Amsterdam, where they've been hold up ever since. We haven't heard a word from him. I mean we assume he's gonna be back by the time...(sighs)
RORY: By the time what? By the time the cows come home? What? By the time school starts? (Logan sighs again) What? What's the matter?
LOGAN: Nothing.
RORY: Logan, you can mention school to me.
LOGAN: I don't want to bum you out.
RORY: Logan! That is ridiculous! I'm fine. I mean...Look. Yale was a wonderful chapter in my life, but I've moved on. I have my work. I have my new pad. I'm just really happy with where I am right now.
LOGAN: (disbelief) Really?
RORY: Logan, you don't have to feel weird about this. You go to Yale. Your friends go to Yale. How can we not talk about Yale?
LOGAN: I don't know.
RORY: Exactly. So, we both agree that the topic of Yale can never be off-limits.
LOGAN: OK, fine. Well if you're so cool with it, then why don't you come meet me at Yale tomorrow and I can show you my new apartment and maybe take you to lunch?
RORY: I can't tomorrow because I have my DAR induction luncheon.
LOGAN: Well, then, how about breakfast?
RORY: Breakfast sounds good.
LOGAN: I have to say, Ace, I like the new digs.
RORY: Yeah, it's really nice, huh? You haven't even seen the bedroom yet.
LOGAN: Wow!
RORY: What?
LOGAN: OK, fine! but don't think that this is gonna work a second time. (get's up from the couch and starts moving towards the bedroom)
RORY: (comprehension dawning on her) Oh, no, Logan, I didn't mean...No, I seriously meant that you hadn't seen the bedroom yet.
LOGAN: You're making me feel cheap, Ace. (keeps walking to the bedroom)
RORY: Logan! I swear, I wasn't working blue. (gets up and follows Logan)
(CUT to gas station, night. Gil is pumping the van with gas. The rest of the band seem uncomfortable squashed in the small cabin, the boys are sitting in the back with all the equipment and lane is g*n)
BRIAN: Come on, let's go!
GIL: Martha's thirsty, guys.
ZACH: I hate that he named the van.
LANE: I think it's cute.
ZACH: Hey! You're not pumping premium, right?
GIL: It's the cheap stuff, bro. Don't worry.
ZACH: Yeah, well you said that before, and you pumped premium, and it meant no snack stop in Philadelphia.
GIL: Whoa ho ho!
LANE: What, Gil?
GIL: Well I was just watching the numbers spin by on the gas pump dial thingy here getting bigger and bigger. And I was thinking...what if that was counting all the people who were, like, dying, you know, so it's all these d*ad dudes spinning by?
ZACH: Every day with him is like being on "meet the press."
BRIAN: I can't feel my legs.
ZACH: Move around a little.
BRIAN: Your amp's on my foot.
ZACH: Look, I'm no better off than you are, Brian. My guitar case is jammed against my thigh.
BRIAN: I got a cymbal stand sticking in my pancreas.
LANE: Guys, we are an hour out of Stars Hollow. Hang in there.
ZACH: God, the smell of that gas is making me hungry.
LANE: Gil, hurry!
GIL: I'm coming. (closes the vans door and starts walking to the drivers seat) All right. It's the last of the gas money, so this better get us home. (gets in and starts up the van) Everybody: Lean Forward. (they all lean forward and the van drives off)
(CUT to van, continuous. They are driving on the highway)
LANE: Gil, where'd you put the map?
GIL: It's...(does a dismissive gesture) Ugh.
LANE: You're okay to drive, right?
GIL: Yeah, sure. I'm just...
ZACH: Dude, don't do that thing where you don't finish your sentences. It freaks me out.
GIL: I'll try. I'm just...ugh.
ZACH: (shoves Gil) Come on.
GIL: I guess I'm just weak from hunger. The guy I got gas from, I was talking to him, and he suddenly turned into a giant turkey leg.
BRIAN: Please don't mention food.
LANE: Let's think good thoughts here, guys. Picture yourself at home, okay? Home at last. What's the first thing you're gonna do?
ZACH: Eat.
GIL: Wash my hair. Hug the kids, set them up in front of a "Harry Potter" movie, and then do my wife for, like, an hour.
LANE: Uh, look, guys, I've got an announcement. Kind of in my capacity as band manager, and I think it's gonna cheer you up, a lot.
ZACH: What?
LANE: Well, as you know, each gig paid us a little something, and we stayed free at people's houses along the way, and we sold a decent amount of t-shirts, so, besides food, which we consumed in moderation, there were days that we spent practically nothing.
ZACH: Yeah?
LANE: Well...I wanted us to come out of this tour with something. So I figured the best way to motivate us, to save, would be to fib a little on how much we had.
GIL: You fibbed a little?
LANE: Actually, a lot. But it paid off big, guys, because we're going home with over $9,000. (they guys look up at Lane in disbelief and a bit pissed) Huh? $9,000, American dollars. Why aren't you guys jumping up and down?
BRIAN: Besides the fact that my spinal cord severed somewhere back on the 95?
ZACH: And that we haven't eaten a full meal in over two months?
GIL: I thought we were broke.
LANE: See? See how it worked? And now we're reaping the rewards.
ZACH: Lane, we were starving.
BRIAN: We scrimped on everything. I stopped brushing my teeth because I couldn't buy toothpaste.
GIL: I've been washing my hair with bar soap.
LANE: But think about what we can do with the money. We can record. Make a CD. Nirvana made "Bleach" for $600. Even factoring in inflation, if we're on our game, we could make "Bleach", 10 times over.
BRIAN: Our own "Bleach".
ZACH: It would be very cool to record.
BRIAN: Very cool.
GIL: I think...
ZACH: Dude, come on. (shoves Gil again) You gotta finish that sentence.
GIL: I can't talk and drive.
LANE: Then just drive, Gil. 30 miles. 30 miles to home. (they high five)
(CUT to Lorelai's driveway, night. The crew is still working. Lorelai gets out of her car and starts walking towards Luke and Tom)
LORELAI: Talking about how pretty I am again? Oh, get a new subject, boys.
LUKE: What are you doing home?
LORELAI: Well, I have to be at the Inn late tonight. So I thought I'd come and feed Paul Anka, take him for a little walk, work out our crosswalk issues.
LUKE: Well, Tom here was just tel...
TOM: (cuts Luke off)...it's not my fault.
LUKE: I wasn't gonna say it was your fault.
TOM: You've got "it's Tom's fault" tone in your voice.
LUKE: He's got to shut your water off for a couple of days.
TOM: We h*t a pipe that shouldn?t have been h*t.
LORELAI: (accusingly) Tom!
TOM: See how fast the "it's Tom's fault" tone has spread?
LUKE: You can stay with me.
LORELAI: OK. Well, I got to get back to work. That wedding party's coming in tonight.
LUKE: Oh, I'll gather up some of your stuff.
LORELAI: Last time you gathered up some of my stuff, you accidentally brought me four bras and no pants.
LUKE: That could have been intentional.
LORELAI: I will get my own stuff, thank you. (starts walking to the house, but backtracks) Wooo, now I just have to figure out what to do with Paul Anka. You know, I've never left him alone so late before, and he might start doing that howling thing the neighbours are so fond of. But...well, that's okay. So...Oh! You know, I guess I could just leave him here and I can come back and get him after work, which will be, oh! two, three, four in the morning. Boy. Late. (looks for a reaction from Luke. He seems to not be getting the hint) Or I could drop him off at a kennel for a few hours. I know there's a good one in Woodbridge, 20 miles away. Of course, I'd have to leave now and pick up some dilithium crystals on the way to fix the warp drive in my jeep so that I could drive there and back in time to meet the wedding party back at the Inn, but that's doable. (looking at Luke for yet another reaction. He still looks unmoved) Yeah...and then, of course, by the time I get off work and drive all the way back ther
LUKE: (amused) I just wanted to see how long you'd go on.
LORELAI: Well, you know my babbling capabilities are infinite.
LUKE: I'll take the dog home with me. And points for the dilithium-crystal reference.
LORELAI: Well, when you sleep with geeks...(TJ approaches them with a bunch of paper lunch bags)
TJ: Hey. I just talked to my buddy, Tony Benzino, who's a contractor over in Hartford, and he says contractors don't fetch lunches for the crew. They do, however, get to answer the phone, and they do get to sign for things and order things, and Tom, there is no such thing as a mystic hammer. And after this very enlightening conversation, you know what I'm starting to think?
LORELAI: What?
TJ: I'm starting to think that I'm not really the contractor on this job.
LUKE: Look, TJ...
TOM: It's okay, Luke. I got this. TJ, we did this for your own good. We got you out of the house. You got paid. You didn't get hurt. Look at it that way.
TJ: Oh, yeah? Is that the way I'm supposed to look at it? Well, fine! (starts handing out the bags) You can keep your stupid phony contracting job. I'm through playing your patsy. I'm through running your errands. Hold on. That's no mayo. (trades some bags he's already handed out) Here, Ed. I'm done! I quit! You can all kiss any part of me that reaches your general vicinity first. You have seen the last of me. So arrivederci, Roma! (starts walking away but walks back up to them) And to repay you all for this lousy trick that you played on me, you can all reach in here and grab your own damn condiments. (drops the last bag and walks away)
TOM: That's dinner!
(CUT to Luke's diner, night. TJ is sitting on a stool at the counter, he has an empty milkshake glass in front of him)
TJ: (pushes the glass across the counter) h*t me.
LUKE: (walks up to TJ) That's your fourth milkshake, TJ.
TJ: Doesn't matter, Luke. It's not like I got anywhere to go tomorrow.
LUKE: So, you're not a contractor. Who cares? Neither am I. You don't see me crying about it.
TJ: I'm not crying about it...anymore.
LUKE: It's not your thing.
TJ: Yeah. Not my thing. I don't have a thing. I have nothing.
LUKE: You've got Liz. You've got your health.
TJ: I've got no dream. I've got no future.
LUKE: What are you talking about, you got no future? (walks over and point to the shelves TJ put up for him) Did you or did you not build these shelves?
TJ: I did.
LUKE: Those are great shelves, TJ.
TJ: Stop it.
LUKE: They are! There's some real craftsmanship that went into those shelves. Well made, you got some nice carved detail. That's a quality piece of merchandise, and you made it.
TJ: Yeah...So?
LUKE: So you should be proud of that. Not everybody can do that. So you're not a contractor. You're a craftsman!
TJ: Wow. I'm a craftsman...Like Jesus. He built stuff for a while.
LUKE: Yeah! You're exactly like Jesus. That was my point.
TJ: Yeah. What am I getting so mopey about? I mean,I build shelves. I'm a craftsman who builds shelves, like Jesus. (get up from his stool and Luke starts walking him to the diner door) And plus my day rate has just gone way up.
LUKE: Yeah, but TJ that was a contractor's rate you were being paid, not a shelfmaker's rate.
TJ: Yeah, but I wasn't really the contractor.
LUKE: I know, but that was...Have a good night, TJ.(opens the diner door and TJ exits)
(CUT to Luke's apartment, night. PA is lying on the floor. Luke walks in)
LUKE: Hey! Just lying there. What a surprise! Make sure you grind that smelly butt of yours into the rug real good. Get that aroma really locked in those fibbers there. (sees that PA has gone through the garbage) Oh, man. Wow, you are fun to have around. (he notices some chocolate wrapping paper) Oh, no. Oh, crap. Oh, god. (takes his watch off) Tell me you didn't. Tell me you didn't. There we go.(sniffs PA's breath) Oh, jeez! (picks PA up and starts running out of the apartment)
(CUT to Stars Hollow streets, continuous. Luke is running, with PA in his arms, up a street and enters a house. He starts to knock on the door franticly)
LUKE: Come on! Hey! Wake up! I got a dog out here! (the light in the house come on)
VET: (opens the door) Can I help you?
LUKE: The dog ate chocolate. And I don't know a lot about dogs, but I do know they shouldn't eat chocolate, and I went to the animal hospital, and they were closed, and I called Babette and she told me where you lived, and you got to do something. Because this is not my dog. This is my fiance's dog. She loves him. She named him "Paul Anka", which may, on the surface, not seem like a sign of love, but if you knew her, you'd get it, and believe me there's a lot of ways I could screw up, but I cannot lose her over the fact I k*lled her dog.
VET: I'll get the ipecac. Come on in. (they walk in the house)
(CUT to restaurant, morning. Rory and Logan are having breakfast)
RORY: So, I tell the guy, "Hey! There is no way all these potatoes could have been peeled if I had waltzed in here at twelve". He simply refused to believe me or credit me with the hours, so finally I just said, "You know what? There is another soup kitchen down on Hadley, and they serve more vegetables than you do, so I would rather work there anyhow", and I turned in my apron, and I walked out.
LOGAN: Wow. Rough world, the world of Community Service.
RORY: Oh, you don't know the half of it. I've done 125 hours, so I've got 175 to go, which is a little off my goal, but not by much, so I can deal. I've got the candy-striper thing starting next week. I didn't really want that, but I had to take it, because I was supposed to get on the zoo b*at, which would have been gross but great cause they'll let you do a double shift. (Logan looks at his watch) But they're always full. Weird, huh?
LOGAN: Very weird.
RORY: I'm boring you.
LOGAN: Far from it. I just have to go. I have to meet with my faculty adviser and convince her that this is the year I'm finally gonna make something of myself.
RORY: Well, don't tell her about that cheese-rolling incident. She'll never believe you.
LOGAN: You want me to walk you back to your car?
RORY: No, I think I can make it by myself.
LOGAN: (gets up to leave) OK.
RORY: OK. (Logan kisses her cheek)
LOGAN: I'll call you later?
RORY: OK. (Logan leaves)
(CUT to Luke's apartment, morning. Camera pans from PA, who's lying next to the bed, to Lorelai and Luke who are sleeping. Luke wakes up, gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen. Lorelai wakes up too and notices Luke in the kitchen drinking water)
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hey. Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep. (starts walking back towards the bed)
LORELAI: No, it's okay. I like to watch you hydrate.
LUKE: Oh, man. When did you get home? I didn't hear you come in.
LORELAI: Yeah, you were conked out pretty good.
LUKE: Oh yeah!
LORELAI: Both of you. (sits up bit better in bed as Luke comes closer)
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: How did it go with Paul Anka last night?
LUKE: Well, first off, he ate three pounds of unsweetened baking chocolate, so I had to rush him to the vet, to his house because the animal hospital was closed, and he forced some sort of vomit-inducing medicine down Paul Anka's throat, and then Paul Anka proceeded to throw up for the next hour and a half. (Lorelai looks concerned) After that I sat with him for another three hours, holding a bowl of water under his nose to make sure that he was re-hydrating properly, and then I chocolate-proofed the apartment and the diner to make sure that never happens again. (Lorelai looks at Luke lovingly) And now I'm gonna go downstairs and make Paul Anka some scrambled eggs because the vet said that the kibble is gonna be a little hard on his stomach for a couple of days. Does he have any particular fear of cheddar? Cause I thought I'd throw that in to make it taste better.
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: I don't want to set a wedding date until things are right with Rory.
LUKE: OK. (Lorelai looks relieved) So, the cheddar is...?
LORELAI: OK. (Luke walks away and Lorelai settles back in bed)
(CUT to Yale, morning. It's the freshmen orientation)
FRESHMAN COUNSELLOR: The dining-hall hours are cast in stone. You snooze, you lose. And your school-issued IDs are your new best friends. Become inseparable. You'll be asked for it constantly, so give it a nickname and learn to commit. It operates the laundry room. It is your meal card. Every new student at Yale will learn the value of the ID.
(Camera pans to Rory as the new students walk by. She looks around longingly. The scene starts to fade on Rory's face and we see a new Rory in a tweed suit at her DAR induction luncheon. Emily is giving a welcome speech for the new members)
EMILY: Every new member of the DAR Will feel instantly the sense of camaraderie that has become synonymous with the DAR. As certified members of the Hartford chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution, you will hold a very special and esteemed place in this community. But with that great esteem comes great responsibility: to your chapter, to your town, and to your nation. This is a proud moment for me as I, your president, welcome the new members of the Daughters of the American Revolution.
END Of Episode 6.03 - The UnGraduate | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x03 - The UnGraduate"} | foreverdreaming |
(OPEN in Lorelai's house, night. Lorelai is going through some boxes filled with tapes and clearing them out)
LUKE: (OS) Oh, now come on. Come on! You have got to be kidding me.
LORELAI: Luke, come down here.
LUKE: (OS) This baseboard's not level. I can tell just by looking at it.
LORELAI: Tom told you. It's a work in progress.
LUKE: It's a disaster in progress. This baseboard belongs in a fun house.
LORELAI: Luke, going up there is like busting into an operating room in the middle of a heart transplant. You know, and getting mad at the surgeon because the guy's heart is on the outside. And you're like, "Hey, his heart should be in his chest", and the surgeon's like, "Dude, I'm not done yet, get out of the operating room".
LUKE: I've got to check the bathroom fixtures.
LORELAI: Hey...uh, help. f*re, f*re. We're on f*re down here. Help. Flames crackling, marshmallows toasting. Save us.
LUKE: (comes down from upstairs) What are you doing yelling "f*re"? You can't do that.
LORELAI: No, that only pertains to movie theatres. Crowded ones. If you're watching a Wednesday matinee of "Deuce Bigalow," you can yell "f*re" all you want. Hell, you can start a f*re, and no one will complain.
LUKE: So, how is your project going?
LORELAI: Like gangbusters.
LUKE: Looks like it. You're getting rid of a ton. (picks up a box full of tapes)
LORELAI: (stops him from picking up the box) Oh! No, no. Whoa, whoa, there, mister. Huh! Those are the keepers. These are the ones I'm tossing. (picks up another box that looks very light)
LUKE: There's two videotapes in there.
LORELAI: Every journey begins with a single step.
LUKE: This was your idea, remember. Use the remodel to purge yourself of useless stuff.
LORELAI: Yeah, useless. I'm keeping what I need.
LUKE: (picks up a tape) You need an episode of "Magnum PI", from 1986?
LORELAI: Of course not. That tape is mislabelled. That's "A Knots Landing" from 1981. All the women are held hostage at g*n during Ginger's baby shower, classic.
LUKE: (pick up a bunch of tapes tied together) "21 Jump Street", season one. You do not need this.
LORELAI: I need my "Jump Street."
LUKE: So buy the DVDs. It'll save you a ton of space.
LORELAI: No. The DVDs won't have the commercials on them. The original commercials, which is half the fun. Spuds Mackenzie, Clara Peller, "nothing comes between me and my calvins". I mean, they don't make them like that anymore. (walks over to another box)
LUKE: You're gonna be one of those weird old people who hoards empty film canisters and laundry measuring scoops.
LORELAI: Uh, gonna be. (picks up a tape) Hey, I've been looking for this. Check it out.
LUKE: (reading the label on the tape) "Riding The Bus With My Sister."
LORELAI: Rosie O'Donnell plays a ret*rd woman who's obsessed with riding the bus, and Andie McDowell is her uptight, big-city sister.
LUKE: Sister?
LORELAI: Yeah, and it gets better. In the ads I saw, the Rosie character was calling herself the sheriff, and she was bragging about her sex life and buying toilet seats. And Angelica Huston directed it. Maerose directed it.
LUKE: OK, fine. Watch it tonight after I leave. Then you can dump it tomorrow.
LORELAI: You kidding? You don't just sit down and watch a movie like this. This is a Friday-night special. I'd have to have takeout, pizza, red vines, mallomars, the works. Plus, there's no way I would watch this by myself. This is exactly the kind of movie I would watch with someone. Someone else, you know? (looks at the tape she's still holding)
LUKE: Yeah, right. (changes the subject) Well, at least try to pare this box down a little, please?
LORELAI: I'll try. I will. I promise.
LUKE: Good. (starts walking towards the staircase)
LORELAI: If you promise not to go upstairs again.
LUKE: I just got to check on one thing. (stops at the bottom of the staircase)
LORELAI: (picks up a tape) Oh, look at that! "America's Castles", the special Florida edition. Seen it five times, keeping it. (puts the tape in the keepers box)
LUKE: One thing.
LORELAI: (picks up another tape) Oh, "The History Of Paper", a documentary by Ted Burns, distant relative of Ken Burns. Oh, seven hours. Dull, dull, dull. Keeping it! (puts it in the keepers box)
LUKE: I'm not going up. (retreats from the staircase)
LORELAI: Good. Oh! "Please Don't Eat The Daisies," seasons two and four. I've been looking for this.
(OPENING CREDITS)
(CUT to pool house bedroom, morning. Rory is getting ready. There is a knock on the door and Rory answers it)
RORY: Come in.
MAID: (enters with a clothes rack and head for the closet) Good morning, Miss Gilmore.
RORY: Good morning. (surprised) Oh, wow, need help?
MAID: No, thank you.
RORY: What's that for?
MAID: Mrs. Gilmore instructed me to help you with your summer things.
RORY: My summer things?
MAID: Mrs Gilmore says that autumn is the time for sweaters and wool, not for sundresses and flipper-floppers.
RORY: Oh. Well, I don't really dress seasonally. I just sort of go with the flow.
MAID: That is what Mrs Gilmore would like to correct.
RORY: Oh, well... (cell phone starts ringing and Rory answers it) Hello?
EMILY: (on the phone) Hello, Rory, it's your Grandmother.
RORY: Grandma, we were just talking about you. (that maid starts filling up the rack, and Rory looks shocked) How are you? How's Helsinki?
EMILY: Cold, unaccommodating, a population of walking d*ad.
RORY: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. (puts the speaker on, walks towards the rack and starts going through the clothes that maid has already hung)
EMILY: The cab driver from the airport was a thief, and the cuisine isn't fit for a stray cat. Kippers and cabbage rolls. And the weather! It snowed 6 feet last night, and apparently they can't fly under those conditions. Can't or won't, it's hard to say. I defy you to read a Finn.
RORY: (picking up a few hangers from the rack) Yeah, they can be pretty stoic in those northern climes. (to maid as Emily keeps talking) Excuse me, but I actually use a lot of this in autumn. You know, light layers. (the maid smiles politely and continues to do her job)
Emily: ...Anyway, your Grandfather and I are going to be delayed a couple of days.
RORY: (a bit distracted) I'm sorry. That stinks.
EMILY: I'm in a real bind. I've got that mixer with the girls I'm hosting tomorrow. With the curators of the Gilbert Stuart Exhibit?
RORY: (distracted) Oh right. (Rory picks out a dress and addresses the maid again as Emily keeps talking) I wear it with tights.
EMILY: I've planning it for weeks. Everybody's counting on me. But here I am thousands of miles away, stuck in a land of reindeer stew. And I'm loathe to cancel because there's nothing Constance Betterton would like more than for me to slip up so she can destroy my reputation, run me out of the DAR, Then jump in the air like a cheerleader and land doing the splits.
RORY: (obviously not paying any real attention) Uh, wow. That's...the splits, huh? Um, whatever I can do to help, Grandma. (to maid) I wear white after Labor Day.
EMILY: Rory?
RORY: (to maid) I'm a rebel. Just go with it.
EMILY: Are you still there?
RORY: Yeah! still here, Grandma.
EMILY: I was wondering if you could possibly fill in for me. I would be so grateful.
RORY: (disbelievingly) Me? At the mixer? (picks up the phone and takes it off speaker)
EMILY: It's all ready to go. The menu is set, and these new caterers I found are fabulous. All you have to do is smile and make sure everyone's cocktails are replenished.
RORY: Well...
EMILY: Just picture that snake doing the splits.
RORY: Um, okay, Grandma. I'll help you out.
EMILY: Oh, bless you. I'll check in a little later and give you a briefing about some of the canapes.
RORY: Good, 'cause I'm rusty on canapes.
EMILY: Call you later.
RORY: Okay, bye, Grandma. Stay warm. (hangs up and looks over to her closet in shock. It is now almost empty) Maid? N...This is not going to work. Maid?! (exits to look for the maid)
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, morning. Sookie and Jackson are arguing)
SOOKIE: A bath?! A baptism is nothing like taking a bath!
JACKSON: I'm not saying it's a bath! I'm just saying if you don't believe in the religious aspect of it, then it's like a bath. As simple and as brief as a bath.
LORELAI: (walks in with a mug in hand) Coffee.
SOOKIE: It is so not like taking a bath! When you take a bath, there are candles and water-warped entertainment weeklies to read, and soap. There are not people standing around praying over you, at least not when I take a bath.
LORELAI: Who's getting baptized?
SOOKIE: Oh, our kids are. Because apparently we're suddenly super-religious.
LORELAI: No kidding? Hey, would you guys mind moving over just a little bit? Thanks (squeezes herself between Sookie and Jackson to get to the coffee pot)
JACKSON: Sookie, look at the baptism as a bargaining chip. If we give my mother this, then it'll soften the blow when she finds out that we're not having any more children because of the vasectomy.
SOOKIE: They'll want to stay at the house, if we have this baptism. Your whole family.
JACKSON: We'll just have to make room.
SOOKIE: How? The house is barely big enough for us and the kids. And we'll end up sleeping on a leaky air mattress in the kids' room and getting horrible creaks in our neck while your mother blasts her "Flatt And Scruggs" CD. And your cousins are gonna be picking their teeth with my Reida paring knives.
JACKSON: Oh, like your family is so easy! What about the time we had to see your stuttering cousin Odell in the worst production of "Nicholas Nickleby" known to man?! That was like nine hours of pure hell! And did I get to fake a heart att*ck during intermission? No!
SOOKIE: I'm sorry. There is a difference between nine hours and three full days. There's 48 hours plus 24, whatever that is, minus 9 hours. What does that equal? 48 and 24, so that's, uh... eight and four... and that's two...(puts her hands on her forehead, seems like he's getting a headache) and 10 over.
LORELAI: Whoa! Whoa! Sookie, don't do math. You know that hurts your head.
SOOKIE: (still holding her head) Ow.
LORELAI: Hey, I have an idea. If you're gonna have the baptism and you've got three days of family in town, how about if they all stay here?
SOOKIE: At the inn?
LORELAI: Yeah. Just give me the dates. We'll work it out.
SOOKIE: And that would be okay?
LORELAI: Sookie, you're part owner of the place.
SOOKIE: Oh, yeah.
JACKSON: That would really help.
LORELAI: So, cool. I'll take care of the arrangements. Sookie, you just deal with the post-baptism party.
SOOKIE: Oh. I didn't know anything about a post-baptism party. (to Jackson) You didn't tell me anything about a post-baptism party.
JACKSON: I didn't know myself.
SOOKIE: (excited) I've got some late-summer salad recipes I've been wanting to try out.
LORELAI: Oh, perfect. Okay, well, just let Michel know how many rooms you need, and I'll see you guys later.
JACKSON: Thanks, Lorelai.
SOOKIE: Yeah, thanks, hon. (Lorelai starts to exit)
JACKSON: I just need the invoice signed for the zucchini and I'm off.
SOOKIE: (picks up a zucchini) Oh, you think I'm taking this zucchini? (Lorelai turns around and approaches the couple again)
JACKSON: You ordered them.
SOOKIE: You stressed them out.
JACKSON: Don't point that thing at me.
LORELAI: Guys.
SOOKIE: I can tell. Get them out of here.
JACKSON: No! You give me the invoice. (Lorelai turns around and leaves)
SOOKIE: I'll just have one of my guys get them out of here.
JACKSON: This isn't about the zucchini. This is about the baptism.
SOOKIE: Well, I christen these vegetables sucky!
(CUT to Gilmore mansion, afternoon. Rory is hosting the DAR mixer. The waiters circulate the room with trays full of canapes and the DAR ladies seem to be enjoying themselves)
RORY: (to one of the ladies) Oh, hello, Sarah. Thank you so much for coming. (to a waiter with a half empty tray) Excuse me. Hold on a sec. This tray is half empty. Should we fill it up to make it look less sad?
WAITER: Uh, this is the last tray.
RORY: (shocked) What? Oh, no. (checks a small note book) Oh, boy, there are only eight trays of salmon puffs allotted for the whole night? (waiter nods) This is not good. This is really not good. Do you think I should have staggered their release? I should have. I should have staggered their release. Okay, well, just spread them out, and then push the shrimp. Okay, you can circulate now. Circulate. (waiter walks off and Rory approaches another waiter) Uh, excuse me. There's garnish on this tray. There shouldn't be. My grandmother hates garnish. Here, I'll just, uh...(takes the garnish from the trey and puts it in her pocket) there you go. Okay, go, circulate. (the waiter walks away and Rory approaches a group of women) Circulate. (to one of the DAR ladies in the group) Hello, Lana.
LANA: Hello.
RORY: Nice to see you. Carole, hello. Great dress.
CAROLE: Thank you.
RORY: Darla, does the pearls council know about you? Fabulous. (walks away and approaches two other women) Everything all right over here, ladies?
DAR LADY1: Everything's perfect, Rory. This is a lovely party. And those salmon puffs? Insane.
RORY: Aren't they, though? Eight trays, and they're almost gone. I might have to go grab a pole and do some fishing. (the ladies giggle) Let me know if you need anything. (walk over to the paintings where Nora, the curator and another DAR member are discussing)
NORA: I like the way he paints Washington's hair. It looks so luminous. If Gilbert Stuart were alive today, I would absolutely commission him to paint a portrait of my Henry.
CURATOR: Well, Martha Washington had the same impulse. In 1796, she commissioned Stuart to do a portrait of her husband along with the one of herself to hang at Mount Vernon.
DAR LADY2: Henry's not Nora's husband. He's her Springer spaniel.
CURATOR: Oh.
RORY: May I freshen your drink, Nora?
NORA: Well, thank you, Rory. That's awfully sweet of you. (hands Rory her glass) Vodka tonic. (whispering) No ice and light on the tonic.
RORY: I'll be right back. (walks off)
NORA: Isn't she just darling? (as soon as Rory's out off site she starts running towards one of the waitresses)
RORY: (hands Nora's glass to the waitress) Excuse me? Hi. The woman with the red hair over by the paintings, could you get her a vodka tonic, please, ASAP? (waitress nods and walks away) Thanks. (calling after her) No ice and light on the tonic.
(CUT to patio, continuous. Rory walks outside. Two women ask for her attention)
NANCY: Oh, Rory, perfect. Maybe you could help us with something.
RORY: Absolutely.
NANCY: We're admiring this plant here, this one with the waxy leaves, and yet the name for it has gone right spot out of our heads.
RORY: I'm so sorry. I'm not sure what it's called. But I promise to ask my Grandmother and let you know. (reaches in her pocket for the little notepad) Let me just get your phone number here. (the garnish from before falls out also) Oops! (they giggle as we see Logan in the back coming out on the patio) Garnish. You just can't get away from it, huh? Um, (notices Logan) excuse me for a minute. (walks towards him. He doesn't seem to be in a good mood) Hey, I didn't know you were coming. (they share an awkward hug)
LOGAN: Yeah. I forgot you had a thing today. (looks around miserably)
RORY: Oh, it's okay, 'cause now I get to show you off. (drags him over to the ladies she was talking to before) Nancy, Lucy, I'd like to introduce Logan Huntzberger. Logan, this is Nancy Osgood and Lucy Faxton-Field.
LUCY: How do you do, Logan? It's such a pleasure to meet the young Huntzberger.
LOGAN: Hey.
RORY: (surprised by his behaviour, tries conversationally) Uh, Logan, I think I've told you about Nancy. She's the one who insists I look like Clara Barton, which I'm still not sure is a compliment.
NANCY: Oh, it's a compliment, of the highest order. (the ladies chuckle while Logan is still unmoved)
RORY: Um, well, if you'll excuse us, I think I promised Logan one of the coveted salmon puffs.
LUCY: So nice to meet you, Logan. (Logan nods and then he and Rory walk away)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion kitchen, continuous. Rory and Logan walk in. Rory walks to the coffee pot and Logan spots a bottle of scotch he helps himself with)
RORY: (reaches for a mug) Want some coffee? (sees Logan pouring scotch) With your scotch?
LOGAN: Sorry. I'm just not in the mood to deal with this type of thing right now, these type of people.
RORY: Why? Did something happen?
LOGAN: So how long do you think this thing's gonna last?
RORY: Um...an hour, hour and a half tops. And then 15 minutes for me to pay the caterers, and make sure the cleaning staff knows what to do. Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you go hang out in the pool house, and then I'll come out as soon as I finish up here? We could talk. (walks over to him)
LOGAN: Yeah, okay. (kisses he cheek)
RORY: (goes over to the coffee pot and tries to pour coffee. The pot is empty) We need coffee! There's no more coffee. (a bit hysterical) Someone make me some coffee!(exits the kitchen)
(CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, night. PA is sitting waiting for dinner. Lorelai approaches him with a bowl)
LORELAI: Okay, Paul Anka, dinner time. You need to eat tonight, okay? Now, this is the kibble you like, in the nice, new, yellow bowl that you picked. (puts the bowl down) I will now...(picks up a plate from the counter with her dinner) I will now back out of the room so you can eat...(turns the light off) in the dark, like you like. (walks out of the now dark kitchen)
(CUT to Lorelai's living room, continuous. Lorelai puts the plate on the bed and turns on the TV. She notices the tape with the movie "Riding The Bus With My Sister" - the one she was talking about with Luke. She sits in the bed, picks up the phone and starts dialing. It rings once, then beeps and an operator picks up)
OPERATOR: We're sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in serv...
(Lorelai hangs up and dials again. Same drill - ring, beep, operator)
OPERATOR: We're sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this number in...(Lorelai hungs up and looks sad)
(CUT to pool house, night. We hear music and noises. Rory looks through the glass door and is a bit surprised. Rory enters the pool house holding a napkin and sees that apparently Finn and Colin have now joined Logan, who's sitting on the couch. Finn is talking on the phone and walking around, while Colin pours himself I drink)
FINN: (on the phone) So, cancel with him, darling, is that so difficult? (notices Rory and waves. She waves back) I find the fact that you love him completely irrelevant.
RORY: (to Logan) What's going on?
LOGAN: (a bit tipsy) Hey, is that my salmon puff?
RORY: (presents him with the napkin) Yeah.
LOGAN: (taking the salmon puff) Anything is good in a puff. Hi. (reaches out to kiss her)
RORY: Hi. (they kiss)
COLIN: Hey, Rory.
RORY: Hey, Colin. I didn't know you guys were coming over.
LOGAN: I invited them over. I hope that's cool.
RORY: Oh, yeah, of course it's cool. I just...I would have brought more puffs.
LOGAN: You need a drink. (gets up from the couch to prep Rory a drink)
RORY: Ah
no, I...
FINN: Somebody give me a sonnet. Melissa's a poetry major.
COLIN: There once was a gal from Nantucket.
FINN: Stop it, Colin. I'm not trying to propose. (seductively) Melissa...do you miss me, darling? (a blond girl approaches the group)
RORY: (notices the girl and greats her) Hi. (the girl seems unmoved) Uh, Logan?
LOGAN: Yeah, Ace? (gives Rory a drink)
RORY: (taking the drink) Who's the skirt?
LOGAN: Ah. That is Colin's milkmaid.
RORY: He brought her back from Holland?
COLIN: Yes, he did.
RORY: Oh. (walk over to the milkmaid) Hi. I'm Rory. I've heard a lot about you.
COLIN: She doesn't understand English.
RORY: Oh. (to milkmaid) Sorry.
COLIN: Yes, aren't we all.
RORY: Colin, rude!
COLIN: Everywhere I go, everything I do, surprise!, there she is.
RORY: Well, you brought her here. What did you expect?
COLIN: I don't know what happened. When we were in the Netherlands, she seemed so amazing, you know? (Rory and Logan sit back on the couch) But the minute we left, she began to lose her appeal.
RORY: Well everything looks appealing when you're stumbling out of an Amsterdam coffee bar.
FINN: Tell me about it. One night I spent half an hour hitting on a bike. (on the phone) Maria! You're the only one that can save me.
COLIN: Rory, you have to understand. Milkmaids are, like, iconic over there. They're practically Dutch superheroes. Dating Katrinka was like dating Wonder Woman.
RORY: Katrinka.
LOGAN: Yeah. He's gonna be hearing about that one for a long time.
FINN: (on the phone) Oh...I see. Well, just so you know, I think you're an awfully sweet girl to date a guy with such an unfortunate skin condition. (hangs up and turns to Rory) Rory?
RORY: hmm?
FINN: Any chance you're breaking up with Logan in the next 20 minutes?
RORY: Sorry.
FINN: Damn. (starts dialling. On the phone) Veronica! (Kartika hugs Colin lovingly) Finn. Still engaged, darling? Well, I am, too, but I'm not going to say in what.
RORY: (to Logan) So, this is a surprise. The guys being here and everything.
LOGAN: Well, Colin just got back. I hadn't seen him. Is that okay?
RORY: Oh! Yeah, it's fine. I just...well you seemed like you were kind off in a bad mood earlier.
LOGAN: Well, this is how you get out of a bad mood, Ace. (to the group) Hey, let's get something to eat. I'm starving.
COLIN: Yes. (gets up quickly to get away from Katrika. She looks sad) Chinese food. No dairy in Chinese food.
FINN: Perfect. General Lee's has that adorable waitress with a very tiny intellect. Let's go.
LOGAN: (to Rory) General Lee's?
RORY: General Lee's. Just give me a minute, and I'll go change.
LOGAN: No way! You've got that hot librarian thing going on. I like it. Grab a book. Let's go.
RORY: (giggling) Kay...(they get up from the couch and the whole group, minus Katrika starts to exit)
FINN: I've got g*n.
COLIN: No, you don't. You're driving. (Rory turns the music off and sees that Katrika is not following)
FINN: I can reach over to steer. (the boys leave as Rory stays behind with Katrika)
RORY: (calling after the boys) Uh, Colin?! You forgot your milkmaid! (the girls sit and stare at each other. Katrika looks sad, and Rory gives her a faint smile)
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn, morning. Lorelai and Michel are at the front desk arranging Jackson's family rooms. Lorelai is corresponding rooms to people and Michel is putting the keys in envelopes)
LORELAI: Okay, room five just checked out, so let's give that to Jackson's sister Adele. Put cousin Rachel in room three and aunt Pat and uncle Rusty in room six. (Michel puts a key in the last envelope) Okay, that's two people in room six. Aunt Pat and uncle Rusty. They're gonna need two keys.
MICHEL: I gave them one. They can share. It's the least the freeloading hicks can do.
LORELAI: They're not freeloading hicks. They're our guests.
MICHEL: They are moochers. They go supermarket-hopping to gorge themselves on free samples and get their perfume from magazine inserts. You can recognize them from the paper cuts on their wrists.
SOOKIE: (running up to the front desk) Jackson not here yet?
MICHEL: No. But his family's arrival is imminent, so I'm off to nail the furniture to the floor. (walk way)
SOOKIE: (upset) I don't believe it. The whole clan will be here any minute.
LORELAI: (walks over to Sookie) Sookie, relax.
SOOKIE: I can't relax, it's Jackson's family. I try to say nice things to them, but they misinterpret it and they think I'm insulting them. So I've tried being really quiet, and then they get all like, "Why are you so quiet?". So I overcompensate and start cracking jokes like I'm carrot top, and I start doing funny things with props and I hate prop comedy.
LORELAI: We all do, honey. (Jackson storms in breathless, like he's been running)
JACKSON: They're right behind me.
SOOKIE: Jackson, you almost left me buffer-less. What happened?
JACKSON: Aphids happened. All over my tomatoes. And I was squirting them, and they're multiplying, and I lost track of time. So I start racing over here on foot, and I saw Bo's minivan just in front of me, so I cut through the thicket, and you know how I hate the thicket, just so I could get here first. Oh, my god, my breath. I can't catch my breath. I'm breathing out, but I can't breathe in.
LORELAI: Okay, Jackson, calm down. You're here, right? (to Sookie) He's here. Your buffer's here. (walks back to the front desk)
SOOKIE: I got my buffer. It'll be okay.
JACKSON: (to Sookie) Okay, so, did you tell hmm-hmm about hmm-hmm? (gesturing towards Lorelai who's now behind the front desk)
SOOKIE: No, he's your family. You tell hmm-hmm about hmm-hmm. (gesturing the same way as Jackson. Lorelai looks up at them)
LORELAI: Why do I get the feeling I'm at least one of the "hmm-hmm"s? (Sookie and Jackson start walking up to the front desk)
JACKSON: Lorelai, we need to tell you something. Remember my brother Bo?
LORELAI: Uh, dark hair, coarse stubble, Jefferson Davis tattoo?
JACKSON: He thinks you're a nympho.
LORELAI: A what?
SOOKIE: It's short for nymphomaniac. It means you really dig the fellas.
LORELAI: I know what it means, but how? I didn't say two words to the guy when I met him. I said one: "Hi". And that was not in response to, "What's your sex drive like?".
LORELAI: Apparently, cousin Rune told him.
LORELAI: Rune! Short guy, light hair, thought marijuana gave your salad zest?
JACKSON: That's the one. Bo said Rune said you're a horn dog.
LORELAI: A horn dog?
JACKSON: His word, not mine.
SOOKIE: His family, not mine. (Jackson's family start entering the Inn. Lorelai, Sookie and Jackson notice)
SOOKIE: Mom! (quietly to Jackson) Buffer. (to her mother in-law) Welcome to the Dragonfly! (they hug, as the rest of the family walk in and Jackson walks over to them)
JACKSON: Hi, everybody. (to a relative who has trouble holding up all his luggage, and it's quite a lot) Oh, my, that's quite a bit of luggage for three days. You are just staying three days, aren't you? (Bo walks up to the door)
BEAU: That's right, little brother. Three days! Why don't you all relax. I'll take care of checking us in. (walks over to the front desk where Lorelai is waiting to check them in) Well, hello, LG.
LORELAI: (uncomfortable) Welcome to the Dragonfly Inn.
BEAU: Welcome to Bo.
LORELAI: (trying to sound casual) Nice sunglasses. Very "Risky Business."
BEAU: Risky business, huh? (what would be a seductive tone) Are you into risky business?
LORELAI: No. All of a sudden I hate it. Tom Cruise in his underwear makes me want to barf. Would you like to register?
BEAU: I would love to. (takes a pen and sings, without taking his eyes off Lorelai)
LORELAI: You just signed the blotter.
BEAU: Oh, whoops. Sorry. I was distracted.
LORELAI: Well, um, you're in room 7. So just take a right at the top of the stairs and enjoy your stay.
BEAU: Well, aren't you accommodating. Guess I'll just go get my duffel bag out of the minivan. (walks away, as Jackson approaches the front desk)
LORELAI: (to Jackson) That's the first time I ever heard the word "duffel" sound dirty.
JACKSON: I am so, so sorry.
LORELAI: All right, here are their keys. Names are on the envelopes. They can go up any time. (gives the envelopes to Jackson)
JACKSON: (takes the envelopes) I am so, so sorry. (Sookie walks up to the front desk area)
SOOKIE: (a bit disgusted) Ooh, uncle Artie hugged me too long.
JACKSON: Lorelai checked Bo in.
SOOKIE: (to Lorelai) We are so, so sorry.
JACKSON: Keys!
SOOKIE: Let's get them upstairs.
JACKSON: I got your keys, everybody. (walks over to his family to give away the keys) Come and get them. Come and get them.(as Jackson is passing out the keys Bo walks back in, and stops at the front desk area before he goes up the stairs. He knocks on the doorframe to get Lorelai's attention)
BEAU: Just thought I'd give you my room number, princess.
LORELAI: I have it. Remember, I checked you in about a minute ago?
BEAU: All right, then. See you soon. (licks his key in what he would think a suctive way. Lorelai shakes her head in disgust as she exhales sharply)
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Zach and Brian are sitting at a table as Lane works. Zach looks deep in thought as Brian is eating. Lane approaches them)
LANE: (to Brian) He asleep?
BRIAN: He's waiting for his muse.
ZACH: Don't say it like that.
BRIAN: Like what?
ZACH: All condescending. It's not cool.
BRIAN: I wasn't condescending.
ZACH: Songwriting is about making yourself open and vulnerable so that the lyrics come out true. If I'm being sensitive, that's a by-product of my craft.
BRIAN: I hear you.
ZACH: Okay, now you just patronized me.
BRIAN: I wasn't patronizing you.
LANE: Carry on. (walks away)
ZACH: What's with her being all dismissive?
BRIAN: Hey, you want to get more fries?
ZACH: Oh! Yes! Yes! Dude, you said "fries," and it h*t me.
BRIAN: Really?
ZACH: Quick, get this down.
BRIAN: (rapidly cleans his hands gets ready to take notes) Go.
ZACH: (in melodical voice) Ah ah ah ah-ah oh-oh-oooh
BRIAN: (confused) Wait! What?
ZACH: Just get it down before I forget it. (sings the melody again) Ah ah ah ah-ah oh-oh-oooh
BRIAN: It's not lyrics.
ZACH: Duh! It's a melody. Come on. (melody) Ah ah ah ah-ah oh-oh-oooh
BRIAN: OK, OK.
ZACH: Get it?
BRIAN: I think so. (trying to imitate the melody) Up, down, further down, little higher up, down a smidge.
ZACH: (frustrated) Brian!
BRIAN: I don't read music.
ZACH: Great! Lane, come here. Ah ah ah ah-ah oh-oh-oooh. (Lane comes over)
LANE: What?
ZACH: I need your cell phone so I can call home and leave a tune on our machine.
LANE: I don't bring my cell phone to work.
ZACH: (frustrated) Ugh! Ah ah ah ah-ah oh-oh-oooh
LANE: Um, you're starting to freak out some of the customers. (pats Zach on the back and walks away)
BRIAN: I just want you to know I feel really helpless right now. (Sookie storms in the diner)
SOOKIE: (walking quickly towards the counter, behind which Luke is standing) Luke, Luke, Luke! look, look, look! Oh! Luke, Luke, Luke, look, look, look. Ha! That was kind of funny. It just came out.
LUKE: Sookie, I'm working.
SOOKIE: I know. I just came by to show you this. (holds up a wedding cake-topper)
LUKE: What's that?
SOOKIE: This is a vintage cake-topper. Porcelain bisque, hand-painted, I think the 1940s. Shoulder pads on the shoulders. A, ha! I found it at a flea market this morning. It's perfect.
LUKE: Perfect for what?
SOOKIE: For your and Lorelai's wedding cake.
LUKE: Oh, well, that's nice.
SOOKIE: Nice? Nice? It's not nice, it's fate. Look. (hold the cake-topper so the bride and grooms rear ends are facing Luke) Perhaps this looks familiar. His butt. It's your butt. (points to the porcelain butt) It's your butt, Luke. It's your butt.
LUKE: Sookie, stop screaming, "It's your butt". People are eating.
SOOKIE: What are the odds of me finding a cake-topper with exactly your butt? (bends over the counter to check out Luke)
LUKE: (serving an order) Turkey burger with Swiss.
SOOKIE: Oh, when I found this topper, your whole cake came to me, like in a vision. White and sparkly with beautiful daisies made of fondant on the top.
LUKE: (serving another order) Cow burger with cheddar.
SOOKIE: So, now that I know the cake, all you have to do is set the date. When is the date?
LUKE: I don't know.
SOOKIE: What do you mean, you don't know?
LUKE: I mean I don't know. (walks around the counter to clear a table and Sookie follows him)
SOOKIE: Luke, Miss Manners said you're not really engaged until you have a ring and a date.
LUKE: Yeah, and it's tacky to drink from a can, but there you go.
SOOKIE: Luke, please.
LUKE: Look, you know the drill here, Sookie. We're not setting a date until things are settled between Lorelai and Rory.
SOOKIE: And when exactly is that going to be?
LUKE: I don't know.
SOOKIE: Well, what do you plan to do about it?
LUKE: Nothing.
SOOKIE: Nothing? What kind of an answer is that?
LUKE: Sookie, it's between them. (walks over behind the counter again, as Sookie sits from the other side of it) Me and my butt are staying out of it.
SOOKIE: Oh, come on. You know this whole non-talking thing between Lorelai and Rory is ridiculous, and you know it.
LUKE: I do know it. (serves an order at the far end of the counter) Grilled cheese, double order fries.
SOOKIE: Well, all I can say is that those two better make up before your butt falls and this gorgeous antique cake-topper is nothing more than a kitschy piece of junk from the 1940s. (a car starts honking and it catches her attention) Crap. I got to go. I left Jackson's mother in the car. Maybe I should have cracked the window. (exits the diner. Luke walks to the other end of the counter. Zach is on the diner phone singing his tune)
ZACH: Ah Ah Ah oh oh ohohoh (Luke takes the phone from him and hungs up)
(CUT to outside of band's apartment, night. Lane walks up the drive way. She greats someone on her way to the door)
LANE: Hi, Mrs. Lamkin.
Mrs.LAMKIN: Hi Lane (enters the apartment)
(CUT to inside apartment, continuous. As Lane enters she stumbles on some boxes and electronical equipment. Zach and Brian are occupying themselves with said equipment)
LANE: What is going on? What is that?
ZACH: Hey! This is the G5 dual 2.3 with a one-Gig RAM upgrade.
BRIAN: And this 3 1/2-inch aluminum casing houses a 300-Gig hard drive.
ZACH: And we got pro tools, too. We're gonna be able to record like a million tracks every song. We can burn, mix, and edit our own CDs. It's gonna be nuts.
BRIAN: Yeah, just as soon as we figure out how to turn it on.
LANE: But how? When did...? (looks over to the boys and at their looks it hits her) Oh, my God! The tour money! (rushes over to her room. Yelling OS) You went into my underwear drawer?! (walk back in the living room) I cannot believe that you went into my underwear drawer.
ZACH: But that's where the tour money was.
LANE: But that was my underwear drawer.
ZACH: It was business, not pleasure, Lane.
BRIAN: I had my eyes closed the entire time. It was all by feel.
LANE: That was my room. My private inner sanctum, and you ransacked it.
ZACH: Hey! We could be mad too you know! Frankly the fact that you felt you had to hide the tour money from us is pretty insulting.
BRIAN: Yeah, and that money was for recording equipment, anyway. So what's the big deal?
LANE: But did you at least shop around? I mean, did you go through the stack of research I have on recording equipment, cost comparisons, audio magazine articles? Did you happen to look at any of that?
BRIAN: Jeez, we didn't go through all your stuff, Lane.
LANE: I can't believe you just went out and spent nine grand without talking to me.
ZACH: It wasn't the plan. I mean we just cruised by the store to get a microcassette recorder so I could preserve my tunes. And there was this sales guy...
BRIAN: (interrupts) a great guy.
ZACH: A really great guy. And we ended up talking to him about music.
BRIAN: And Zach sang him his tune.
ZACH: Which he totally dug. Reminded him of early Smiths.
BRIAN: Great guy.
ZACH: He was! And he was like, "You should get this". And he was like, "this is the last day of our once-a-year sale, and everything's 30% off", and he showed us this whole system.
BRIAN: He spent like an hour with us.
ZACH: Totally great guy.
BRIAN: He thinks we're gonna be huge.
LANE: Was there change?
ZACH: Huh?
LANE: Did the totally great guy give you any change? (the boys look at each other confused and then back at Lane you yells frustrated) Uuuugghh! (exits to her room a tad pissed and bangs the door)
ZACH: She totally would have liked him.
BRIAN: 'Cause he was a great guy.
(CUT to Drangonfly Inn, night. Lorelai walking the library with some board game sot put away. Michel is there)
MICHEL: I believe Jackson's aunt Pat is borrowing DVDs from our collection, and secretly burning copies for her own DVD library.
LORELAI: What makes you think she's not watching the DVDs?
MICHEL: The Belleville's are freeloaders. The whole lot of them. They are as cheap as tan panty hose with white sandals. Plus, I believe they have emptied all the booze from the minibars upstairs into their own flask and then refilled the bottles with water.
LORELAI: Can I interest you in a sick day?
MICHEL: Pssh! I would not give them the satisfaction. (starts exiting the library, Lorelai follows, and Sookie is walking towards them) Oh, how proud a family reunion must be for you. (walks away)
LORELAI: He's snarky.
SOOKIE: And sarcastic.
LORELAI: He's snarcastic.
SOOKIE: Hey, do you have a minute? I want to ask you something kind of important.
LORELAI: Sure, I've got nothing but minutes. (they walk over to a couch and sit)
SOOKIE: Well, I was wondering if you would honour me and Jackson by being Martha's godmother.
LORELAI: (gasps) Oh, wow.
SOOKIE: Oh! is that a good "oh, wow" or a bad "oh, wow"?
LORELAI: It's just "oh, wow!". The whole idea of me being a godmother. I never thought of myself as the godmother type. Would I need a wand?
SOOKIE: I think you can pull it off without it.
LORELAI: Aw, jeez, Sookie, I'm touched. I would love to be Martha's godmother.
SOOKIE: Great. Oh, I'm so happy you said yes. It's going to be great. And we're gonna baptize both kids at once, so Davey's gonna need a godmother, too, and I thought, "How about Rory?".
LORELAI: (a bit uncomfortable) Rory, huh?
SOOKIE: Yeah! I thought it would be fun. And I know it's weird with you two now, but there's really no one else I'm close to to ask.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah? Um, what about your friend Kat from the Culinary Institute? You guys roomed together in college.
SOOKIE: She's been institutionalised.
LORELAI: What? Really?
SOOKIE: Oh, yeah. She shaved her head. She thinks she's Susan Powter. Sad.
LORELAI: Well, how about Theresa? She lived next door to you growing up. Aren't her husband and Jackson best friends?
SOOKIE: She moved.
LORELAI: She moved?
SOOKIE: To Peru.
LORELAI: When?
SOOKIE: Yesterday, actually.
LORELAI: Tall, skinny Margo?
SOOKIE: Has an inner-ear problem. Frankly, I'm a little worried that she'll lose her balance holding the baby and fall in the water. And she's taaall, so that's a long way to fall. But, hey, look, if you don't want to do it or you don't want me to ask Rory, then I'll totally understand. I'm sure Jackson will understand, too, and Martha. (looks away in mock disappointment and sounds that way too) Hey, you got to do what you got to do.
LORELAI: No, no, it's okay. Um, I'll do it.
SOOKIE: You will?
LORELAI: Of course I will.
SOOKIE: Oh, thank you. (pats Lorelai?s knee gets off the couch and exits the room) It's gonna be a perfect day. (Lorelai doesn't look very pleased, or happy)
(CUT to Lorelai's living room, morning. The bed is still there, and Lorelai is lying in bed, wide awake, with Luke as the alarm goes off. She quickly turns it off, gets out of bed and picks out two dresses from a clothes rack as Luke is starting to wake up. She walks over to the bed and holds them up for Luke to see)
LORELAI: Which one goes better with a baby?
LUKE: (sleepy) I like the green one.
LORELAI: It's not too sheer? Because I'm gonna be in a church.
LUKE: Looks good from here.
LORELAI: Yeah, maybe. Man, she's good. She's really good.
LUKE: Who?
LORELAI: Sookie.
LUKE: Ah!
LORELAI: This whole baptism thing is just a ruse to get me and Rory together. She's played me! She's played me like a Stradivarius.
LUKE: So, don't go, then.
LORELAI: No! I got to go.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Because she asked me to be a godmother. You don't say no to that.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Look! I know what she's doing. And she knows what she's doing. But no one else knows what she's doing, so on the slight chance that she's not doing what I think she's doing, which is actually just doing what she wants to do, then I will be the jerk who wouldn't be the godmother to her best friend's baby 'cause she thought something was happening that wasn't. And that will be the story everyone remembers, understand?
LUKE: I like the green dress. (Lorelai is frustrated)
(CUT to pool house bedroom, morning. Rory is lying in bed, wide awake, with Logan as the alarm goes off. She quickly turns it off)
LOGAN: (sleepy) Go back to sleep.
RORY: I have to go to the baptism.
LOGAN: Blow it off.
RORY: I can't.
LOGAN: You can do anything. You just have to believe in yourself. Did we learn nothing from "Mad Hot Ballroom"?
RORY: I have to go to Stars Hollow. (whiney) I have to see my mom. (covers her head with a pillow)
LOGAN: One, two, cha cha cha.
RORY: Uuugh, okay. (puts the pillow away) Nothing left to do but get up and face the music. (gets out of bed and walks over to her closet, picks out two dresses and holds them up for Logan to see) Which goes better with a baby?
(CUT to Stars Hollow, morning. Rory drives up in her Prius. She parks the car get out and looks over the town wistfully. She looks at her watch and starts walking)
(CUT to band's apartment, continuous. Zach is watching TV, Brian is reading something and Lane is reading the manual of the equipment the guys bought)
ZACH: You're wasting your time, Lane.
BRIAN: That manual's just a bunch of gobbledygook.
ZACH: Got to be R2-D2 to understand that thing.
LANE: No, you just have to spend more than six minutes trying to figure it out before giving up.
ZACH: I can't believe there's a second C-span. (there is a knock on the door and Rory enters)
RORY: Hi.
LANE: (surprised) Rory!
RORY: Hi. Am I interrupting anything?
ZACH: Nah, there's nothing on.
LANE: No, you're interrupting nothing. Come on in.
RORY: (noticing the equipment) Wow, this looks very fancy.
LANE: Yeah, it's pretty fancy, all right. Apparently is does everything except turn on. You look pretty fancy, too.
RORY: Oh, I'm on my way over to Sookie's kids' baptism. I'm gonna be Davey's godmother.
LANE: Very religious. My mother would be impressed.
ZACH: Hey! Is it true you get to keep the baby if the parents die?
RORY: I'm just doing it as a favour for Sookie.
BRIAN: Godmother, huh? (imitating Marlon Brando) Did you make her an offer she couldn't refuse?
ZACH: (impressed) Dude! You nailed that!
BRIAN: Thanks.
LANE: (to Rory) Come on. I need a break from the ADD boys. (nudges Zach on the head as they walk towards Lane's room)
ZACH: Whoa! There's a third C-span!
(CUT to Lane's bedroom, continuous. The girls walk in)
RORY: Room looks the same.
LANE: Yeah.
RORY: How come there's a padlock on your dresser drawer?
LANE: Uh, wild story. Here, sit. (they walk over to the bed and sit)
RORY: So, you look great. Did you get a haircut?
LANE: Yeah. Well, maybe a month ago.
RORY: I like it.
LANE: Thanks! You look good, too. I like the bangs. Very Marianne Faithfull.
RORY: Thanks. I'm hoping Mick Jagger notices. (they giggle. They seem a bit uncomfortable) So, you went on tour!?
LANE: Yeah, we did.
RORY: And how was it?
LANE: Great.
RORY: Great. (after an uncomfortable b*at) And, um...how are things in the Zach department? I mean, you two are still together, right?
LANE: We are, and it's good. He's good. We're good. How many times can I use the word "good"?
RORY: Have you guys...?
LANE: No, no, no, we're still not having sex. But I did tell Zach he could tell the guys we're doing it. It's a little more rock 'n' roll.
RORY: You are a good girlfriend.
LANE: So, how's Logan?
RORY: Logan is... a constant surprise. I have trouble keeping up with him. He moves a mile a minute, gets bored in two seconds flat. He started flying those scary little planes that seem like they're made of papier-mache, which is thrilling, by the way. And, Logan's good.
LANE: Wow! Is this serious?
RORY: Seriously exciting.
LANE: I love that. Is it hard with him still at Yale and you living with your grandparents?
RORY: No, not really. It's been fine, actually. Taking time off has been great. It was absolutely the right decision for me.
LANE: That's good. That's really good.
RORY: Yeah, yeah... I just wish, that my mom could understand that. She's so... I doubt that she will talk to me again until I am back in a dorm room with a course catalogue on my lap, if then. I don't know. Maybe we'll never talk again.
LANE: You two? Oh, please.
RORY: We haven't talked in weeks.
LANE: It'll blow over.
RORY: She didn't tell me when she and Luke got engaged.
LANE: Rory, look at me. You and your mom will talk again. This rift is just nature's attempt to find some equilibrium. You and Lorelai have gone too many years without fighting. So you had to have one big fight to make up for it. Now you've had it, and soon you'll make up and then this will all be just your lost weekend.
RORY: I've missed you.
LANE: I've missed you, too. (they hug)
RORY: We can never go this long without talking again.
LANE: Deal.
RORY: I'll do anything.
LANE: I'll raise carrier pigeons.
RORY: I'll learn Morse code.
LANE: I'll send you pigeons, and you can send me code.
RORY: Okay. (looks at her watch) Oh, it's 10:30. I have fifteen minutes before I have to go. Now, I want to hear all about that tour.
LANE: OK. Well let's start with the whole "three boys and no shower" thing.
RORY: Oh, Lord!
(CUT to outside of church, morning. The Church bells are ringing and we see the announcement for the baptism. Rory is walking towards the church and bumps into Kirk on her way in)
RORY: You look nice today, Kirk.
KIRK: Thanks! This is the suit they buried my dad in.
RORY: ( a bit stunned) Oh, well...I think I'm gonna let that one go.
KIRK: So, do you know which is the Davey side of church and which is the Martha?
RORY: Oh, I don't think there are sides, Kirk. It's not like a wedding. I think we're all on both kids' sides.
KIRK: I just didn't want to offend by taking a side if there are sides. I've had some contact with Davey, in passing. Couple of high-fives, one or two peekaboo sessions, but I haven't had much contact with Martha. She seems more reserved. Elusive. There's a bit of Garbo in her. (Kirk walks away, leaving Rory to look up at the Church door)
(CUT to front of church doors, continuous. Lorelai and Sookie are chatting and chuckling. Jackson walks up to them clearly upset about something)
JACKSON: (to Sookie) I just talked to my former mother, and, oh, you are going to love this. Guess who's getting baptized today?
SOOKIE: Who?
JACKSON: Me.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: No!
SOOKIE: (very happy) Is it Christmas already?
JACKSON: This isn't funny.
SOOKIE: Uh Huh!
LORELAI: You've never been baptized?
JACKSON: Apparently on the day I was supposed to be baptized, I stuck a quarter up my nose and had to be taken to the hospital. And they never rescheduled.
SOOKIE: Well, organizational skills were never your family's strong point.
JACKSON: You know what? I have had it with my family! (Lorelai notices Rory walking towards them) I want you to march right over there and tell my mother you're divorcing me if I get baptized.
SOOKIE: Oh, yeah, that will go over very well.
JACKSON: Okay, fine. Then just say we're getting separated. I guess I better go find out what it means exactly for a grown man to get baptized.
SOOKIE: (very excited) Oh, my God! Are you gonna wear a giant christening gown?
JACKSON: You're really enjoying this, aren't you?
SOOKIE: Ooh, you have no idea. (Jackson walks away, and Sookie notices Rory walking towards the church doors) Oh, Rory's here!
LORELAI: Yeah, I see that.
SOOKIE: Boy, that's a pretty dress she's wearing, don't you think?
LORELAI: Sure. It'll go good with a baby.
SOOKIE: Well, I better go check on the kids. (very rushed) Say "hi" to Rory for me if you see her first. (runs inside and away from Lorelai. Lorelai and Rory look a bit shocked and uncomfortable)
REV.SKINNER: (to the girls) Oh, there you two are. Good. Do you have a minute? I was hoping we could have a quick chat in my office before the ceremony.
RORY: Oh, well...
LORELAI: Um, sure.
REV.SKINNER: Wonderful. Right this way. (leads them inside)
(CUT to Rev.Skinner's office, continuous. He is sitting behind his desk, while Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the other side)
REV.SKINNER: So, I always like to take a few minutes before my baptisms to get to know the godparents a little bit. Of course I already know you two, but I just want to touch base and make sure you understand the obligations of what you're getting into here today. Now, basically, godparents are responsible for the spiritual upbringing of their godchildren. I certainly hope the parents throw their two cents in, but the godparents are vitally important figures in a child's life. So, tell me, what are your religious affiliations?
LORELAI: Oh, well, Reverend, you've known us forever.
REV.SKINNER: Well, yes, I have, and I still have no idea what your religious affiliations are.
LORELAI: Oh...
RORY: Well...
LORELAI: We're a bit lapsed.
REV.SKINNER: Yes. From...?
LORELAI: Well, um...religion. But, you know, I can't speak for Rory, but I have a strong belief in good...you know...over evil. I mean, if I was asked to choose a side...
RORY: I read "The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe".
LORELAI: I have a bible. Although I may or may not have accidentally given it to goodwill, because I'm remodelling. But goodwill is a religious organization... I think. But even if it's not, good will. It's in the ballpark.
RORY: I buy tons of girl-scout cookies.
LORELAI: I have two "Mary is my homegirl" T-shirts.
REV.SKINNER: Well, these are all very positive if somewhat irrelevant things. And it seems like your hearts are in the right place.
RORY: Absolutely.
LORELAI: Definitely.
REV.SKINNER: And it says something good about you both that when a friend calls you up and asks a favour, you come through like this.
LORELAI: (obviously having figured something out) Right, right.
REV.SKINNER: Shall we?
RORY: We shall. (Rory and Rev.Skinner get up and start exiting the office. Lorelai remains seated)
(CUT to church main hall, continuous. Kirk enters the church and approaches a woman)
KIRK: (to woman) So, are you a Davey or a Martha? Davey, I bet, right? He's much more accessible. He's the Dandy Warhols to Martha's Brian Jonestown m*ssacre. (in the back Bo enters the church. He walks a bit and some coins start dropping all over the place)
BEAU: Oh. Dang it. (starts picking up the coins. Lorelai, Rory and Rev.Skinner exit the office. Lorelai and Rory take the babies in their arms as Rev Skinner walk up to the podium)
SOOKIE: Hey, Rory. You look so pretty.
RORY: Hey, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Oh, I want a picture of this. (Bo rushes to the front row and sits)
REV.SKINNER: (speaking from the podium) Welcome, everybody. Jesus tells Nicodemus in the fourth gospel, "Unless one is born of water and spirit, one cannot enter the Kingdom of God". (Lorelai at Rory) Today we gather to honor three individuals as they dedicate themselves in the first sacrament of the faith and become members of the body of the church and the Kingdom of God. Here to bear witness and offer spiritual support are Lorelai Gilmore, godparent to Martha, Rory Gilmore, godparent to Davey, and, uh...Jackson?
JACKSON: (to Rev.Skinner) Yo.
REV.SKINNER: Acting as your godparent will be...?
JACKSON: Oh, uh... my brother Bo, I guess.
REV.SKINNER: And, uh, Bo Belleville will serve as sponsor and witness for Jackson. Will you come up here, please, Bo? (Bo gets up to join everyone else, and more coins drop)
BEAU: Oh! Oh, bananas.
REV.SKINNER: The candidates for baptism will now be presented. (walk way from the podium and approaches the group. Lorelai looks at Sookie suspiciously) We are honoured with the privilege of being here today to witness and support in faith the baptism of David Edward Belleville, Martha Janice-Lori-Ethan-Rupert-Glenda-Carson-Daisy-Danny Belleville, and Jackson Matthew Belleville. I hereby charge Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore, and Bo Belleville with the responsibility of seeing to the spiritual welfare of these children and this believer. (Lorelai looks from Sookie to Rory and seems a bit peeved) We will now begin a series of ceremonial questions. Lorelai Gilmore, do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God? (Lorelai is distracted, looking at Sookie and doesn't answer. Rev.Skinner raised an eyebrow is shock and the audience starts murmuring)
SOOKIE: (whispering) Lorelai!
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: Why aren't you renouncing Satan?
LORELAI: (confused) Huh?
SOOKIE: He said, "Do you renounce Satan?", and you paused. That's not something you pause about.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, yes, I renounce Satan.
REV.SKINNER: OK. Rory Gilmore, do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God?
LORELAI: (whispering to Sookie) Did you call Rory?
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: Did you call Rory on her cell phone and ask her to be a godmother?
RORY: I renounce him.
REV.SKINNER: Bo Belleville, do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God?
RORY: (whispering to Lorelai and Sookie, overlapping Rev.Skinner) What are you whispering about?
LORELAI: I'm just trying to get some information.
RORY: What information?
BEAU: Satan can kiss my ass.
LORELAI: (whispering to Rory) How come Sookie had your phone number?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: She called you to ask you to be here, which means she must have had your phone number.
REV.SKINNER: Excuse me. Ladies?
LORELAI: I'm sorry, Reverend. Can you just give us a moment, please? (gestures to Rory to go outside. They walk towards the exit)
(CUT to outside, continuous. Rory and Lorelai exit the church through the side door)
RORY: What is wrong with you?
LORELAI: Look, it's not like I really care, okay? It's not like I was gonna call you up to chitchat or make a date to go shoe shopping, or something. But, shouldn't a mother have a way to contact her daughter, at least in case of an emergency? I mean what if I was in an accident and I had to have a blood transfusion? You're the only person in the world with the same blood type. It would really help to have your phone number.
RORY: We are holding up the service.
LORELAI: I just think it's weird you would give Sookie your number and not me.
RORY: I didn't give Sookie my new number. Sookie called Grandma, Grandma left me a note, and then I called Sookie back. And I didn't get a new number. I lost my phone.
LORELAI: If you lose your phone, you should suspend your service until you get a new one. That way, you get to keep the same number. Ever hear of that? It's ridiculous to get an entirely new number. No one gets an entirely new number.
RORY: Well, next time, I will suspend my service. (the door opens and Sookie appears)
SOOKIE: Um...Hi, guys. We kind of need the kids back.
LORELAI: OK. (Sookie takes Davey from Rory and goes back inside. Lorelai and Rory follow her)
(CUT to outside, after baptism party, morning. There are tables filled with food. Jackson is holding up Martha and Davey and talking Rev.Skinner, while Sookie walks over to Lorelai)
SOOKIE: Hey, godmother.
LORELAI: Hi. So sorry, again, for the drama.
SOOKIE: You always give me a good story to tell.
LORELAI: Well, I aim to please.
SOOKIE: You know, I have a little confession to make.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah?
SOOKIE: I kind of asked you and Rory to both be godmothers because I thought it might kind of bring you back together, patch things up.
LORELAI: (mockingly) Well, blow me down.
SOOKIE: Didn't fool you, huh?
LORELAI: No, but the salads are excellent.
SOOKIE: The salads are excellent! (Lorelai notices Bo who's calling her over in what he would think a suggestive manner)
LORELAI: OK, that's it. (to Sookie) I'll be right back. (walks over to Bo) Hi, Bo.
BEAU: Hey, darlin'. (licks his thumb and rubs in on Lorelai's sweater, then repeats licking his thumb and rubs it on his sleeve) What do you say we get out of these wet clothes?
LORELAI: (disgusted) Listen, Bo. Uh, there's been a misunderstanding here. What Rune told you about me, it's not true.
BEAU: Really?
LORELAI: None of it.
BEAU: Oh.
LORELAI: Yeah!
BEAU: So you don't have a kid?
LORELAI: Uh, Well, no, I do have a kid.
BEAU: But you didn't get knocked up when you were 16?
LORELAI: Well, that part technically is true.
BEAU: And he said you've never been married. That your single and dating around...
LORELAI: Well, I've never been married exactly, but I'm engaged now. That's pretty steady. Very permanent.
BEAU: He said you were engaged before.
LORELAI: You know what? It's all true. OK, I'm a horn dog. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get some potato salad.
BEAU: (in that falsely suggestive tone) Potato salad. I get it.
LORELAI: OK. (walks away from Bo, as Rory comes up to her)
RORY: So, I'm leaving.
LORELAI: OK. Drive safe.
RORY: Look, I know this is lame at this point, but you can have my new number if you want it.
LORELAI: That's okay. I can call mom, and she can leave you a note.
RORY: OK.
LORELAI: OK. (they walk in opposite directions)
(CUT to Rory's car, morning. As she's driving she picks up her phone and makes a call. Phone rings and we CUT to Yale classroom where Logan picks the phone up. The scene switches between Logan in class and Rory in the car)
LOGAN: Hello?
RORY: Hey.
LOGAN: Hey! How was the baptism?
RORY: Fine. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I'm not handling things particularly well these days.
LOGAN: Yeah, I know what you mean.
RORY: Logan, are you okay?
LOGAN: I had a talk with my father the other day, and apparently I'm going to graduate this year. I'm going to get my act together and I'm gonna become a Huntzberger.
RORY: What does that mean?
LOGAN: I'm going to start attending shareholder meetings, letting the boys see my face around. It means my preordained life is kicking in.
RORY: Oh, I'm sorry.
LOGAN: Hey, always read the fine print on the family crest.
RORY: You know, maybe you can talk to your dad and tell him how you feel.
LOGAN: Hey, how far away are you from the airport?
RORY: Why?
LOGAN: Let's go to New York.
RORY: What?
LOGAN: New York, you and me, right now, by helicopter.
RORY: A helicopter? You're kidding.
LOGAN: We will spend the weekend at the Pierre. You don't have your community service till Monday, right?
RORY: Yeah, but...
LOGAN: Don't pack. We'll shop. Much more irresponsible.
RORY: Um...Logan...
LOGAN: I'll see you at the airport in 20 minutes, Ace.
RORY: OK, I'll see you in 20 minutes. (she hangs up and continues driving)
(CUT to Lorelai's living room, night. Lorelai is sitting on her bed with PA, a pizza and a bunch of junk food watching the Rosie O'Donnell movie. Lorelai looks very sad)
ROSIE O'DONNELL (On TV): I think he's gonna take me for a ride in it.
MAN (On TV): What about your boyfriend? What about Jesse?
ROSIE O'DONNELL (On TV): Jesse's delicious. He's gonna take me today to get a new toilet seat because mine got broken and was sliding. I would fall off of it. I go, "whoa!"
LORELAI: (very sad and disappointed) It's not the same. (takes a red vine and starts to eat it as she pets PA)
ROSIE O?DONNELL (On TV): What, am I scaring you? Want me to scare you? Boo boo boo!
MAN (On TV): Beth...
END Of Episode 6.04 - Always A Godmother, Never A God | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x04 - Always a Godmother, Never a God"} | foreverdreaming |
Previously on Gilmore Girls. Scenes from previous episodes.
(OPEN in Luke's diner, morning. Lorelai and Luke walk in carrying a bunch of shopping bags each)
LORELAI: Oh! Winded! Too many steps.
LUKE: I said I'd carry them.
LORELAI: Need water. g*n din!
LUKE: They're not that heavy.
LORELAI: Yeah! You should take those steps out. They get in the way.
LUKE: First thing tomorrow. Man, you bought a lot of stuff. (they set the bags on the counter, Luke goes behind it and Lorelai starts looking though them)
LORELAI: All stuff I need or want, or think I might someday need or want. (excited) OK now let's find your new wallet!
LUKE: We can get it later.
LORELAI: (looking through some bags) No, it's buried in here somewhere. Have I looked in this bag already?
LUKE: You didn't have to buy me a new wallet. My old wallet was fine.
LORELAI: Your old wallet has Velcro.
LUKE: It works.
LORELAI: It's disgusting. Now come on, let's find it. (notices something in one of the bags) Wait a second. What is this?
LUKE: (approaching Lorelai) Your underwear. (Lorelai picks out of the bag a huge pink satin pair of panties)
LORELAI: (stunned) Uh! Thanks a lot!
LUKE: (suppressing a laugh) I didn't see how big they were. What are they doing in there?
LORELAI: Well, I'm guessing probably hiding from their real owners, 'cause I would hate to be wrapped around the woman who fit those.
LUKE: Maybe you just grabbed the wrong bag.
LORELAI: (takes out a huge pair of bunny slippers and sets them on the counter) Oh, poor thing, she's single. (her cell phone rings and she reaches for it. Luke clears his throat and points at the "No Cell Phones" sign)
LUKE: It still applies. (Lorelai answers the phone anyway)
LORELAI: Hello? Sookie? Sookie, slow down, I can't understand a word you're saying.
LUKE: (amused looking at the slippers) She's got huge feet.
LORELAI: The Inn's on f*re?!
LUKE: (concerned) What?
LORELAI: The stove is on f*re? Well, put it out. It's out? So you're saying, there was a f*re, but now it's out. Good, what's the damage?
LUKE: You had a f*re?
LORELAI: Okay, okay, good. I'll be right there. (hangs up. To Luke) The wall behind the stove caught f*re. There's damage, but nothing major. Thank God.
LUKE: (quickly walks over to Lorelai) Come on. I'll take you.
LORELAI: Oh, my God! Another f*re at the Inn, like the Independence Inn. Oh, no! Am I a f*re starter? I'm a f*re starter, aren't I?
LUKE: You are not a f*re starter. (calls to the kitchen) Caesar, we'll be right back.
LORELAI: What about the bags?
LUKE: Caesar will put the bags away. Let's go.
LORELAI: Go first, in case things burst into flames behind me as I walk.
LUKE: Will do. (the start to exit the diner)
OPENING CREDITS
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, morning. Luke and Jackson are working over at the stove. Lorelai, Sookie and Michel are further away talking)
SOOKIE: I saw my whole life pass before my eyes. That's how traumatic it was!
MICHEL: She's been Scarlett O'Hara for two hours. It's sickening.
SOOKIE: My whole life. Flash! I mean, that's upsetting! You know, not that it's been a bad life, although I could have skipped seeing "Mummenschanz."
LUKE: Do you want to hand me the screwdriver?
JACKSON: I would kind of need a third hand to do that.
LORELAI: Why are the boys bickering?
SOOKIE: There's something in the air today.
JACKSON: (Luke holds up a flashlight in Jackson's direction) Could you not shine that in my face?
LUKE: Just move your face.
JACKSON: You mean off of my head?
LORELAI: So, Mutt and Jeff, what's the prognosis there?
LUKE: When's the last time you checked your ductwork?
SOOKIE: Never. Oh, boy, I shouldn't be allowed in a kitchen!
LUKE: (walking away from the stove) My guess is that the grease built up in the back, and the ventilation's not great, and the wall heated up, and it b*rned.
LORELAI: So what do we do?
SOOKIE: Don't tell me we're shut down!
LUKE: You'll have to repair the wall before you put the stove back, and you're gonna have to clean your ductwork.
JACKSON: (walks away from the stove) Which means closing the kitchen till you do.
SOOKIE: Well, then, fix it now.
JACKSON: You need a pro to do this.
LUKE: And if an insurance guy doesn't see it before you fix it, he won't pay.
MICHEL: Well, I've already talked to the insurance company. They've never heard of us.
LORELAI: That's impossible. We're customers. We send them a check every month.
MICHEL: The people I talked to, all very rude, by the way, said they don't even cover businesses such as ours.
LORELAI: Again, a mistake. I'll get the policy out. I'll call them myself. (to Luke and Jackson) Thank you.
LUKE: You really should get a second screwdriver.
JACKSON: Nag, nag, nag. (Luke and Jackson exit the Inn kitchen)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion patio, morning. The DAR ladies, Emily and Rory are having drinks and talking)
NORA: We should be flayed.
NANCY: Don't overreact, Nora.
NORA: We should never have let it get to this point. We're all at fault here.
VIVIAN: It's a humiliation.
EMILY: Ladies, we know this. No one is more embarrassed than myself, but what are we going to do?
NANCY: How many tables are still unsold?
EMILY: Over half.
DAR LADIES: (upset) Oh! Unbelievable!
VIVIAN: This is a function for our troops.
NORA: We'll be the laughingstock of the DAR. We'll lose our national accreditation, and this is a very weak drink.
EMILY: It's just punch, Nora.
NORA: My point, dear.
EMILY: I simply don't understand people.
DAR LADY2: This money was designated for additional armor for the boys at Fort Drum.
VIVIAN: We've insulted the organization, insulted our troops...
NORA: We might as well all march to Mount Vernon, drop our drawers, and do something foul on George Washington's grave.
EMILY: (disapprovingly) Nora!
NORA: I'm sorry, but I'm really upset about this, and I'm far too sober to put it in any sort of perspective.
RORY: But the function is still a week away. There's time to fix this. (the ladies make cutesy "Oh" sounds)
VIVIAN: Rory, you're darling.
EMILY: She's new, ladies.
VIVIAN: A week is nothing.
EMILY: Again, what do we do?
NANCY: We should cancel the event.
EMILY: This is a nightmare.
VIVIAN: Is Constance not showing her face on purpose?
EMILY: Would you?
RORY: Why would Constance...?
EMILY: She's running the event...into the ground. I blame myself. I let her talk me into it.
NANCY: She's never slipped up like this before.
RORY: Is it definitely too late to do something?
EMILY: To do what?
RORY: I don't know. To publicize the event more, get those tables sold?
EMILY: We spent our budget for publicity. We're wiped out.
RORY: But a budget is just an estimation. It's guesswork, fake numbers. In any business endeavour, sometimes it makes sense to run a deficit in order to achieve a bigger payoff later.
NORA: We're lunching with Grover Norquist.
RORY: Well, have we tried getting the word out online? A lot can be done that way. (the ladies listen carefully and seem impressed and interested) And maybe we can add some entertainment or a theme. Send out some e-mails. E-mailing doesn't cost a thing.
EMILY: We hadn't thought about e-mail.
RORY: I think there's a way to correct this. A week is plenty of time.
NORA: Well, well, well, we have a star amongst us.
RORY: (chuckles) Who?
NORA: You!
RORY: (taken aback) Me?
NORA: (defiant) Take it over.
RORY: What?
VIVIAN: I think that's a wonderful idea!
EMILY: I don't know. We have a mountain here, ladies.
NORA: We're screwing the pooch, Emily, and we've got to go balls out. I, for one, will not have those priggish twigs from the New York chapters lording this over us. We need to take a swing here, and Babe Ruth sits before us.
EMILY: (to Rory) You shouldn't feel pressured.
RORY: I know.
NORA: My essence is, that if Rory doesn't think she can do it, she'll turn us down.
EMILY: I suppose that's true.
NORA: What do you say, you slugger?
RORY: I'll do it. (the ladies make triumphant noises and gestures)
NORA: Yes! Let's ring Constance.
NANCY: We'll put you in touch with the people at the venue immediately.
NORA: And you'll have an assistant. Lacey. You'll love her.
DAR LADY2: I'd look at the menu.
NORA: And we'll set up a discretionary fund. This publicity idea you were thinking of may be the key. (the ladies and Rory start talking about planning the function while Emily looks concerned)
(CUT to Sookie and Jackson's house, night. Davey is watching TV, while the Lorelai, Luke and Jackson are eating dinner. Sookie is in the kitchen and starts walking towards the dinning table)
SOOKIE: Dig in, everybody.
LORELAI: I'm past digging, I'm burrowing. This is delicious.
SOOKIE: Tri-tip on the barbecue, you can't b*at it. Oh! (to Jackson) Hey, you turn the barbecue off?
JACKSON: The barbecue is off.
LORELAI: Good stuff, huh?
LUKE: Really good.
JACKSON: Thanks. Excuse me. (yelling) Davey, turn the volume down!
LUKE: The vegetables are good, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Thanks, Luke. (yelling) Davey, you heard your father. Turn it down!
LORELAI: Oh, I'll turn it down.
SOOKIE: No, we want Davey to do it.
JACKSON: That's how he learns. (to Davey) You heard me, son. Turn it down.
SOOKIE: (screeching) Turn it down!
JACKSON: Right now.
SOOKIE: Ooh, I need a lemon slice. (picks up her glass and gets up and walks to the kitchen)
JACKSON: So did anybody see that new show on TV last night?
LORELAI: The one where they were solving crimes by cutting bodies open and poking their organs?
JACKSON: No.
SOOKIE: The one where they're solving crimes from 30 years ago by going to graveyards and cutting open bodies and poking their organs?
JACKSON: No.
LORELAI: OH! The one where people are missing, and they find their bodies, and cut them open, and poke their organs, and that's how they solve crimes?
JACKSON: No.
LORELAI: What else is on?
JACKSON: (shouting) You gotta turn the TV down, son!
LORELAI: Are you sure you don't want me to...
JACKSON: He's got to learn. (shouting) You heard me, son! Volume down!
SOOKIE: (from kitchen screeching) Volume down!
JACKSON: Listen to your mother! (voice back to normal volume) What's that show I'm thinking of?
SOOKIE: (walking back toward the table) I'm back. (sits down) You like the squash, Luke?
JACKSON: Oh, this is gonna bug me.
LUKE: I'm not a big fan of the squash.
SOOKIE: OH! I forgot the pepper flakes. (gets up again)
LORELAI: Sookie, your food's getting cold.
JACKSON: (to Luke) I thought you liked squash.
LUKE: Nope.
JACKSON: What's that vegetable I thought you liked? (Luke looks at him unfazed)
LORELAI: Hey Sookie, do you have a fork for Paul Anka? He likes his own fork. Uh, plastic preferred.
SOOKIE: Got one here.
JACKSON: Oh, now this is gonna bug me! What is that vegetable?
SOOKIE: The plastic's too high for me to reach. It's up there.
LORELAI: Oh, I'll get it. You have to eat. (gets up and takes Sookie's plate with her to the kitchen)
SOOKIE: Jackson, what's that smell?
JACKSON: Oh, man, I left the barbecue on.
SOOKIE: We cannot set this place on f*re, too. I have had enough fires this week.
JACKSON: I'll get it. (get up from the table and as he walks past the TV) Turn the volume down, Davey. I'm not gonna tell you twice.
LORELAI: Here you go. It's nice and lean, the way you like it. (gives PA a treat)
SOOKIE: Dog who doesn't like fat. That's just weird.
LORELAI: He's not weird. He's trying to maintain his bathing-suit figure.
SOOKIE: So, speaking of my least favourite word in the world, f*re. Where are we with the insurance company?
LORELAI: Uh, nowhere. I got the same run-around they gave Michel.
SOOKIE: Then let's just do the work. Forget the insurance. Give me back my kitchen.
LORELAI: Tom's all ready to jump in, but we can't afford to do it without the insurance money. That's why we have insurance.
SOOKIE: We have stupid insurance. I mean, this policy, wasn't it set up by your...
LORELAI: Yes.
SOOKIE: So if we're getting the run-around does it mean that you have to...?
LORELAI: Yes.
SOOKIE: Sorry.
LORELAI: I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I'll call him tomorrow.
JACKSON: (as he walk back in a baby starts crying) Barbecue's off.
SOOKIE: Martha's up.
JACKSON: (walks out of the room again) I'm on it. Turn the TV down, Davey.
SOOKIE: Turn it down. You heard us. Turn it down. I'm gonna count to 10, Davey. Then the TV is going off for the rest of the week.10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...(as Sookie is counting down Lorelai notices Luke sitting alone at the table eating his food)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion, night. Emily and Richard are sitting in the living room each respectively reading a book. While Richard looks completely absorbed in what he's reading, Emily seems to have other things on her mind)
EMILY: She threw out the menu.
RICHARD: (distracted) Hmm?
EMILY: Rory. She's changed the entire menu.
RICHARD: What menu?
EMILY: Richard, listen when I talk to you.
RICHARD: I'm sorry, Emily. It takes a second to emerge from Samuel Beckett. He's a strange man. (takes off his glasses and closes his book) Go on.
EMILY: Rory threw out the entire menu for the Fort Drum event. I mean, granted, Constance was going with Cornish game hen, been there, done that. And her fetish for Brussels sprouts is upsetting. But to throw out the entire menu? So close to the event?
RICHARD: I can't say that I'm a big fan of DAR cuisine. So I may not be of much help.
EMILY: I'm trying not to butt in, but how can I not worry?
RICHARD: (puts on his glasses and re-opens his book) By not thinking about it.
EMILY: Is there still a USO?
RICHARD: I think so. Why?
EMILY: That's the theme, the USO. Or that's where it's being held. Oh, my god, she didn't change the menu and the location? Is that possible?
RICHARD: You should ask her.
EMILY: I'm trying to keep out of it.
RICHARD: You're doing a terrific job.
EMILY: She's not serving salmon puffs.
RICHARD: (shuts his book a bit irritated) Good night, Mr.Beckett. (turns his attention to Emily)
EMILY: We've never not served salmon puffs. Not in 25 years have we staged an event without salmon puffs.
RICHARD: Emily, please. It's Rory. What she tackles, she conquers. This girl could name the state capitals at three. Recite the periodic table at four. Discuss Schopenhauer's influence on Nietzsche when she was ten. She's read every book by every author with a Russian surname and had a 4.2 grade-point average at one of the toughest schools on the east coast. If she's excluding salmon puffs, she has a good reason to exclude salmon puffs. And I, for one, have complete confidence in her ability to tackle this job, and so should you.
EMILY: Fine, go back to your Beckett.
RICHARD: (goes back to reading his book) Thank you.
EMILY: (wistful) Salmon puffs.
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, morning. Sookie is instructing her crew. Lorelai looks on)
SOOKIE: We'll show 'em. Huh, guys!? (pats one of the assistant chefs on the chest) We'll show 'em, you don't need fancy stuff like stoves in order to make a delicious meal. We've got salads. Lots and lots of salads, caprese and endive and arugula and...Ooh! Cold sandwiches. And beef carpaccio and tuna carpaccio and vegetable carpaccio and...(to Lorelai) Oh, my God. I need my frigging stove back. I'm dying here!
LORELAI: Okay, hang in there, hon. (to kitchen crew) Thanks. (as the crew starts to exit Richard walks in the kitchen with another man)
RICHARD: Lorelai, I hope it's all right walking in like this. I knew where the kitchen was, so I just figured I'd come back. Sookie.
SOOKIE: You're our knight in shining armor, Mr.Gilmore.
RICHARD: (indicating the man he brought along) This is Harris. He'll do the inspection, get the lay of the land. Shouldn't take long. (to Harris) Go ahead and start. (Harris walks over to the stove. To Lorelai and Sookie) I should apologize for the red tape and the delay. As a rule, we don't take on small accounts like this, except under extraordinary circumstances. Until the news reached my desk, no one was sure of what to do.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
RICHARD: I can write you a check today. I figured that would please you.
LORELAI: Terrific.
SOOKIE: I'm going to go call Tom and see if he can race right over here and start the work. (to Richard) Bless you, sir. You're my golden god. (Sookie leaves. Lorelai and Richard seem uncomfortable as Harris goes on with the inspection)
LORELAI: So, um, how's your big plan working out?
RICHARD: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Oh, your big plan for Rory. How's that going, Dad?
RICHARD: Let me know if you need anything, Harris.
LORELAI: Is she back at Yale?
RICHARD: Lorelai...
LORELAI: oh, I take it she's not.
RICHARD: No, she's not.
LORELAI: Huh. But it's in the works?
RICHARD: We'll be here ten minutes.
LORELAI: No, wait! Let me guess. You're gonna trick her into going back, right? Like you'll drive up and drop her off at Yale, then you'll drive away really quickly before she catches on. Is that one of the plans?
RICHARD: (staring to get mad) Is there anything I can do to expedite this, Harris?
LORELAI: You see that family of Logan's recently. The...Hamburgers?
RICHARD: Huntzbergers.
LORELAI: Right, right. How are the old Huntzbergers? They behaving any better than that night they humiliated your granddaughter?
RICHARD: They did not humiliate her.
LORELAI: Rory said they did.
RICHARD: I know the Huntzbergers. They're fine people. What happened that night was a misunderstanding, because they have nothing against Rory.
LORELAI: No?
RICHARD: Why would they?
LORELAI: Ask them!
RICHARD: It's not true!
LORELAI: Well, then that granddaughter of yours, what a liar.
RICHARD: Harris, take a couple of pictures and we'll go. (to Lorelai) We just need the quote from your contractor in writing. Send all his bills directly to me.
LORELAI: Will do.
RICHARD: Goodbye. (he exits. Harris takes one last picture and follows him)
LORELAI: (to the, now, empty kitchen) It's been lovely.
(CUT to pool house, morning. Rory is planning the event with the assistance of three more people)
RORY: What about silverware?
GLENDA: I can get you 1940s, the real thing. It's plates though. Plates are a toughie.
LACEY: Plates break.
GLENDA: I can get you a couple of dozen, hand-painted, not 100.
RORY: So, what's our best bet? An off-white, new, but made to look vintage?
LANCE: Off-white would be super.
RORY: They should be heavy, right? Solid?
GLENDA: Oh, my servers are gonna love that.
RORY: Then not too heavy. Lacey, get me samples of all this?
LACEY: Will do.
RORY: Now, there must be a colour photo of the Hollywood Canteen. I mean, we've checked the Internet. The library?
LACEY: The Getty in California has one in their collection, but they're very flaky on the phone.
RORY: Ugh, California.
LANCE: I'm so over the west coast.
RORY: A bunch of granola heads. (a cell phone rings. Lacey answers)
LACEY: Rory Gilmore's phone...Who's calling?...One moment, please. (to Rory) It's Logan Huntzberger.
RORY: I'll take that. (takes the phone from Lacey) Hello?
LOGAN: (he's at Yale. The scene switches between Rory at the pool house and Logan at school) Oh, my God. Who was that?
RORY: My assistant. I forwarded my phone to hers.
LOGAN: You have an assistant?
RORY: Just for this DAR thing. I get a million calls.
LOGAN: well I consider myself lucky to be patched through.
RORY: You have priority clearance.
LOGAN: So, good news. I got the PA system you wanted at the price you wanted.
RORY: Really? Oh, cool. Lacey, PA system: Done.
LACEY: Excellent.
RORY: (to Logan on phone) That's great.
LOGAN: This guy's done the sound at every party I've ever thrown. He's the best in the business.
RORY: (there is a knock at the door. It's Paris) And, oh, goody. Paris is here. And she looks upset.
LOGAN: That and a bulldozer would knock me over.
PARIS: Excuse me? The door is locked.
LACEY: (to Rory) Do you know her?
RORY: Let her in, then hide. (to Logan on phone) I'll call you later.
LOGAN: Bye. (hangs up)
PARIS: (as Lacey opens the door for her, in mock Lacey voice) "Do you know her?". (back to normal voice) I'm only her best friend. Who the hell are you?
RORY: Paris, come here. Calm down. (Paris walks over to her) What's wrong?
PARIS: I'm broke.
RORY: Broke? How?
PARIS: My parents flipped the bird at the IRS one too many times. They've frozen everything. All I've got is my trust fund, which doesn't kick in till I'm twenty-five. Unless you can whip out a magic wand and age me four years, I'm a goner.
RORY: Just, sit down. Calm down. (lead her to the couch where they sit)
PARIS: My ATM refused me. I thought it was just that particular one. So I went to another, and it refused me, too. So I went to the bank and used a few choice expletives, and a bunch of guys in suits started closing in on me. So I started pacing and yelling, "Attica! Attica!", and then the manager h*t a little red button under his desk, so I ran out of there and came right over here. I'm a pauper. I'll be playing a hurdy gurdy on street corners and selling pencils out of a tin cup.
RORY: Slow down.
PARIS: Yale's paid for, through the end of the year, thank God. But...what'll I do about everything else I need? What'll I do?
RORY: You'll just have to do what everyone else who needs money has to do.
PARIS: What's that?
RORY: What people do.
PARIS: What am I, a mind reader?
RORY: Get a job.
PARIS: A job? I've never had a job. I don't know the first thing about having a job. All I've got on my resume is academic achievements, which will mean doodly-squat when I'm in line with 11,000 people vying for an opening in the garden department at Wal-Mart.
RORY: Paris, wait. As you said, Yale's paid for. That's the bright side. From now on, you'll just have to keep your expenses low. And I could get you some work. Right away. How would that be?
PARIS: Really?
RORY: Yes. I know you'll be a hard worker. That's a given.
PARIS: I definitely would be. And, you know I speak Chinese and Farsi, if that'll help.
RORY: Well, I need servers for the food. You could do that, right?
PARIS: I think so.
RORY: See? You're on the road to recovery.
PARIS: Oh, thanks. (they get up and Paris approaches Glenda, Lacey and the guy) And I'll work my butt off, too, Glenda. Oh, and I know a smattering of ancient Aramaic, if that helps.
GLENDA: It could.
LANCE: If Christ shows up.
PARIS: And who are you?
RORY: Go home, Paris. You've had a rough day.
PARIS: I guess.
RORY: I'll call you with the details.
PARIS: Thanks. (walks over to Rory and whispers) Hey, uh, can you spot me a 20...
RORY: Sure.
PARIS: (whispering) ...5, 25?
RORY: (grabs some cash and gives it to Paris) Um, here you go.
PARIS: Thanks. (she leaves)
RORY: (approaching the three assistants) I owe you more than you currently realize. Okay, where were we?
(CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, night. Luke is cooking as Lorelai walks in)
LORELAI: Mmm.
LUKE: Pasta's almost done, sauce is close, too.
LORELAI: Luke, you could have just used the store-bought sauce I have. (starts to lay the table)
LUKE: Ugh, that stuff is junk.
LORELAI: (insulted) It's delicious Italian sauce.
LUKE: OK, first off, it's not. Second, all you had was four already-opened jars, two of which I couldn't get the lids off of.
LORELAI: Somebody needs some gym time,
LUKE: And one of them had a layer of white fuzz on it.
LORELAI: That was a little gross.
LUKE: And the last one, green fuzz.
LORELAI: Also gross.
LUKE: I make better, just like mama taught me.
LORELAI: I know you do. How's Paul Anka's dinner coming?
LUKE: His hamburger's close, too.
LORELAI: You're not overcooking it, (Luke walks over to the fridge) 'cause, you know, he likes it rare plus, you know, not too rare, but not medium rare.
LUKE: (picks up a flier from the fridge) I'm cooking it to his exacting specifications. (read the flier) Miss Patty's having a recital?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. It's her big annual show. All her kids in all her classes get to perform. It's be there or be square. Best show in town.
LUKE: It's a Thursday, right? That's a good night. I can have Caesar close for me.
LORELAI: Why?
LUKE: So I can go with you.
LORELAI: Oh, no. Luke, you're not going to this recital.
LUKE: Why not?
LORELAI: Because it's a night of kids dancing, singing, twirling batons. You'll hate it.
LUKE: No, I won't.
LORELAI: Yes, you will.
LUKE: Not my first choice in entertainment, but I'll go.
LORELAI: Luke, no. You have been sacrificing too much of yourself these past few months. You go with me to my movies, you tag along when I go shopping. And that dinner at Sookie and Jackson's...how you kept from k*lling us all, I'll never know.
LUKE: I haven't been complaining about any of this.
LORELAI: I know, and that has filled me with no end of guilt. You've been a saint, but you've got to do your Luke stuff, too. When was the last time you went camping or fishing?
LUKE: You don't like camping or fishing.
LORELAI: That shouldn't stop you from camping or fishing.
LUKE: I'd go if I felt like it.
LORELAI: Well, then go Thursday while I'm at the recital. I'll go with Sookie. It'll be fun with her.
LUKE: You sure?
LORELAI: Yeah! Go. You haven't been camping in forever. Be Grizzly Adams.
LUKE: Okay, sure, I'll go camping.
LORELAI: (approaches Luke at the stove) Good. (notices something in a pan, PA's dinner) Oh, it's officially...
LUKE: Oh, medium rare, not rare plus. I'll get him another. (Luke takes the hamburger out of the pan and prepares another)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion dining room, night. Richard, Emily and Rory are having dinner. Richard attempts to engage the women in some conversation but Rory seems distracted)
RICHARD: Well, I don't know why I bother. The great books take practically a lifetime to read as it is. But if you heed the word of Mortimer Adler, one needs to read a classic three times to fully comprehend its meaning.
RORY: (distracted) Yeah.
RICHARD: I wonder if Mortimer ever read "Euclid's geometry" three times. That's a fun read. Have you read "Euclid's geometry"?
RORY: (not any less distracted) Me? No.
RICHARD: It doesn't get any drier. What have you been reading lately? I keep forgetting to ask. (makes a gesture to answer but instead starts texting someone with her cell phone)
EMILY: Rory?
RORY: Sorry, guys. The event's right around the corner, and I just keep thinking of things I have to do. I'm just texting Lacey.
EMILY: So how's that going?
RORY: Good, really good.
EMILY: Good. Did Lacey mention the partitions?
RORY: (still texting) Partitions?
EMILY: At Wafford Hall. It's so big, and these partitions can cut the room wherever you like so it won't look so empty. They're not very decorative, but they work.
RORY: Hold on just a second. (end texting and puts the phone down) Partitions?
EMILY: For the room.
RORY: But we won't have any room. We're sold out.
EMILY: Sold out? That's not possible.
RORY: Oh, it's a fact. The theme got people's attention. Plus, the online campaign went like gangbusters. We're having to turn people away. That's what I was texting Lacey about. I'm trying to squeeze in a few more, but we're fighting the f*re department over it.
EMILY: (disbelieving and impressed) You're turning people away?
RORY: But still encouraging them to give a sizable donation to our boys.
RICHARD: Brilliant.
EMILY: (brightly) Sold out!
RICHARD: (to Rory) I knew you could do it!
EMILY: Good job!
RORY: Thank you.
EMILY: Continue texting.
RORY: Oh, thank you. (picks up her phone again as Richard and Emily continue eating)
(CUT to Wafford Hall-venue for the DAR event, morning. Workers are setting up tables and decorations while Rory is walking through the hall thinking she's talking to someone when in reality she's talking to thin air)
RORY: Oh, when the band gets here, grab Gerry and get them to do a sound check. Make sure they're happy with the sound. Not just cheery, because...(turns around and sees nobody there) Lacey? Where's my Lacey?
LACEY: (runs towards Rory) Here.
RORY: Come on, honey, keep up.
LACEY: I spotted the security guard, so I filled him in.
RORY: Excellent. Cross that off the list. Servers are here?
LACEY: Got them all waiting in the back.
RORY: Excellent! (as they start walking to the kitchen Rory addresses two guys putting up a poster) Wow! Treat her gently there, boys. Betty's life was tough enough.
(CUT to Wafford Hall's kitchen, continuous. There is a bunch of people waiting. Rory walks in and sees Paris)
RORY: Hey, Paris.
PARIS: Rory, I clocked in.
RORY: Cool!
PARIS: They gave me this card, and it had my name on it. And I shoved it in the clock thing, and it made the punchy sound, and I'm officially on the job.
RORY: Great!
PARIS: And I'm prepared too. I was a little nervous last night about making small talk with co-workers. So I went to the video store and rented "Working Girl" and the first season of "Just sh**t Me". Got a couple of Wendie Malick bon mots that have already come in handy.
RORY: Very good. Welcome.
PARIS: Thanks, boss.
RORY: I'm gonna welcome the whole group here.
PARIS: No problem. (Rory walks past Paris and addresses the rest of the crowd. Paris stands behind Rory)
RORY: Hello. You must be my servers. I'm Rory Gilmore. I'm running this little shindig. How are all of you today?
SERVERS: Good. Great.
RORY: You all come highly recommended by Glenda, our catering manager, so I know you're all top notch...
PARIS: (cuts Rory off and walks up front) Yeah, super. Looks like a good group. Good group.
RORY: (whispering to Paris) Um, you know, you should probably be standing over with the others.
PARIS: Oh, right. I'm one of them. Got it. Sorry. (walks over to the rest of the group)
RORY: (to the whole group) So it's going to be hard work tonight. We have 100 people dining with us. But I want you to have fun, too. We have your outfits on a rack over here. Your name should be on them. It's a good cause, so let's get changed and go do. (walks away)
PARIS: (to one of the other servers) So, working hard or hardly working? (the girl giggles) Oh, my, oh, my. I love it! (the whole group approaches the rack to get their outfits)
(CUT to Miss Patty's, night. The studio is filled with people. Sookie and Lorelai walk in and approach the lady passing out the programs. They each take one)
SOOKIE: (as she takes a program) Hey, thanks.
LORELAI: (as she takes a program) Thank you.
SOOKIE: So where's Luke tonight?
LORELAI: As we speak, he's off communing with nature.
SOOKIE: Oh, good for him. (they sit)
LORELAI: Yeah.
SOOKIE: (reading from the program) Ooh, the ballerinas are doing "Swan Lake". That always makes me cry.
LORELAI: (opens the program) Oh, Patty's packed it all in. Baton twirling, a modelling exhibition. She's added a couple new features, too.
SOOKIE: Yeah, what's krumping?
LORELAI: Um, like hip-hop dance, I think, more herky-jerky.
SOOKIE: And what is pubic speaking?
LORELAI: I'm hoping it's a misprint.
SOOKIE: I hope so, too.
PATTY: (declaring the start of the show. Everyone is now seated) Welcome, everybody, to the 28th Annual Miss Patty's School Grand Recital. (the audience applauds) Thank you. We have a lot on the program tonight. So, without further ado, please welcome my intermediate pupils as they welcome you. h*t it, boys. (a young boy in a blue outfit and a hat comes on stage as the piano starts to play)
LORELAI: She always does a fun opening number.
(the boy starts singing the song "We've Got Magic To Do")
LORELAI: Isn't he cute?
SOOKIE: Darling.
(as he keeps up with the song a bunch of kids join him. They are taking the show off the stage and in the audience. All the kids are dancing and singing)
SOOKIE: Uh-oh, they're in the audience.
LORELAI: Oh! I...I hate it when they come into the audience. Okay. Yeah... (the kids start gesturing vividly in front of Lorelai and Sookie's faces) This is...this is not good.
(the kids continue their act and start throwing glitter out to the audience. They h*t Sookie and Lorelai with a great amount of it. The women react)
LORELAI: AAH!
SOOKIE: OH!
LORELAI: bl*wing stuff on us! (the kids continue on with their show, into the audience)
(CUT to Wafford Hall, night. The event is just staring up. Some guests have arrived. There is a band that are impersonating the Andrews Sisters, who are singing on stage. Rory and Lacey walk around the hall doing last minute inspections)
RORY: People seem hungry tonight. Tell...
LACEY: ...Glenda to speed the trays up a bit.
RORY: Yeah, and let the sound guy know...
LACEY: ...that the drums are a little loud.
RORY: And it's a tad warm.
LACEY: Already had them adjust the AC.
RORY: Any incoming choppers, radar?
LACE: Choppers? No. What do you mean?
RORY: That was a joke, Lacey.
LACEY: Oh. Sorry.
RORY: You're a doll. Remember to have a little fun tonight, too.
LACEY: Will do...Radar. I get it now. That was funny. I'll be back. (Lacey walks briskly away, Rory follows. Paris approaches a guest with a tray of appetizers)
PARIS: (offering the tray) Appetizers?
GUEST: Oh, thank you. (takes an appetizer and eats it)
PARIS: You're welcome. So how was that?
GUEST: It was fine, very good.
PARIS: I meant the transaction. I'd love a performance review. Come on, be my Dave Navarro.
GUEST: (a bit uncomfortable) Um, you were fine.
PARIS: I'm gonna need more. It was T.S. Eliot who said criticism is as inevitable as breathing and said that we should be none the worse for articulating what passes in our mind when we read a book, see a play or, now I'm elaborating, pass a cheddar and olive ball. I need some feedback.
GUEST: Really, you offered it to me well, and all seemed great, and I don't want to talk about this anymore.
PARIS: Good. Thank you, this has been a help. (walks away from the guest. Emily and Richard have now arrived at the event. The hostess welcomes them at the door)
HOSTESS: Welcome to the Hollywood Canteen.
RICHARD: Thank you. We're the Gilmores.
EMILY: (impressed) Richard, look at this place!
RICHARD: It's wonderful.
HOSTESS: Here is your table number. And take a pin, both of you.
RICHARD: Oh, thank you.
EMILY: Yeah, thank you. (they enter the hall properly now) Oh, I love this song. And look at the band. It's the Andrews Sisters.
RICHARD: They've kept in pretty good shape. (Rory walks up to the G-parents)
RORY: Hi, guys.
RICHARD: Aw! Looks like you've got a h*t on your hands.
RORY: So far, so good. No one's dancing, though.
EMILY: Oh, it's early. You'll see plenty of dancing after dinner.
RICHARD: You'll see some dancing right now.
EMILY: Richard, it's before dinner. There's no dancing during appetizers.
RICHARD: Come on, let's show these fuddy-duddies how it's done. (leads Emily to the dance floor and they start dancing, as Rory looks at them smiling)
(CUT to woods, night. Luke is sitting alone at the campsite in front of a f*re. He looks sad, upset and miserable)
(CUT to Wafford Hall, night. It's now dinnertime. Richard, Emily and Nancy are at the same table deep in conversation)
RICHARD: My father was a huge Benny Goodman fan. Hated Glenn Miller, hated him. Always claimed it wasn't the enemy who sh*t down that plane of his, but music lovers.
EMILY: Oh, Richard, that's a horrible thing to say.
RICHARD: It was my father who said it.
EMILY: But you just repeated it. (Rory approaches their table) Here's the woman of the hour.
RICHARD: Ah!
RORY: How's the food, everybody?
NANCY: The macaroni and cheese, what an inspiration!
RICHARD: Rory, please accept my profound thanks for serving food at a DAR event which is remarkably edible.
EMILY: Oh, Richard. We always have good food.
RICHARD: You have fancy good food. If I never look at another duck's liver for the rest of my life, I will be a happy man. (Lacey, come up to Rory a bit upset)
LACEY: Rory, could I pull you away for just a second?
RORY: Sure. Excuse me, everybody. (the girls walk away)
NANCY: She's so poised...like you, Emily.
LACEY: A party's arrived. I'm looking, looking. They did not RSVP, but they're expecting a table.
RORY: Oh, great. Where are they?
LACEY: By the w*r bonds table. It's Shira Huntzberger. She waltzed in with a group of ladies in tow and made it clear she expected to be accommodated.
RORY: (starting to get worked up) Did she?
LACEY: And not very nicely either.
RORY: (sarcastically) Oh, what a shock.
LACEY: But you know her, right? That's your boyfriend's mother.
RORY: Yeah, yeah, I know her.
LACEY: I didn't mean to insult her before. She was just very abrupt.
RORY: It's OK. I'll take care of it.
LACEY: (passes Rory a piece of paper) Here's the seating chart.
RORY: Thanks. (takes the seating chart and exits to the kitchen)
(CUT to Wafford Hall's kitchen, continuous. Rory enters and Paris is there working)
PARIS: Hey, boss. It's interesting, you know. Karl Marx has come alive for me today. I never understood what he was yammering about before, and now it just seems so obviously wrong that those who control capital should make their fortunes off the labour of the working class. What's wrong with you?
RORY: Shira Huntzberger is here.
PARIS: Logan's mom?
RORY: And she showed up with no warning. No RSVP, no donation to the cause that I know of. Just sashayed in, expecting everyone to fall at her feet.
PARIS: I hate that.
RORY: I hate her. Hate! Strong, unadulterated, blind...Uurrghh!
PARIS: Wow. You're always so Desmond Tutu-ey. This is refreshing.
RORY: I should tell her to leave. I should march up to her and tell her to grab those arrogance-dripping, petulance-oozing, surgically cosmeticized bims she brought along and h*t the bricks.
PARIS: I bet they all have money, too. Every one of those commodity fetishists.
RORY: How can she expect a table? The tables are for the people who are polite enough to respond to an invitation in the proper manner.
PARIS: I bet you the Romanovs never RSVP'd either. They got theirs. Capitalist scum.
RORY: I hate her!
PARIS: I hate the rich. A hard rain is gonna fall, you know what I'm saying?
RORY: I really hate her!
PARIS: They should die.
RORY: I should probably give her a table.
PARIS: What?
RORY: Well, we have a spare table. We kept it open in case of something like this. I should give it to her.
PARIS: But she doesn't deserve it.
RORY: I know, but this is business. It's not personal. I should give her that table.
PARIS: Fine. Whatever you think. You're the boss. Hey, boss, how much are you being paid in this job of yours? (Rory looks at Paris for a b*at and then walks way)
(CUT to main Hall, continuous. Rory walks out of the kitchen, takes a second to calm down and approaches Shira and her party. The whole conversation seems to be held in forced politeness)
RORY: Mrs. Huntzberger.
SHIRA: Rory, hi! What are you doing here?
RORY: I'm running this event.
SHIRA: I didn't know.
RORY: Well, now you do.
SHIRA: I think I've been bad.
RORY: Oh, really? Why?
SHIRA: I just showed up without any warning. I didn't think I could come, so I didn't call. Then I could, and the group and I just came down.
RORY: It happens.
SHIRA: That's what I told that other girl. She was a bit rude.
RORY: Lacey? I'll talk to her.
SHIRA: Could you get us a table?
RORY: Of course. Come.
SHIRA: It's not a problem?
RORY: Oh! Not at all. (leads Shira and the ladies that accompany her to a table) Come with me. It's all set up.
SHIRA: Oh, you are the best.
RORY: It's just my job.
SHIRA: So no Logan?
RORY: Not tonight.
SHIRA: Not his thing?
RORY: Oh, you know Logan. Here we are.
SHIRA: Thank you so much. (as she sits down) And you look so pretty.
RORY: So do you. Have a good time.
SHIRA: I'm sure we will. (Rory walks away upset)
(CUT to Wafford Hall's bar. Richard, Emily and Vivian are having drinks and talking)
VIVIAN: You've created a superstar here tonight, Emily. I hope you know that.
EMILY: Well, yes, I do.
VIVIAN: There's already talk of giving her the A.A.
RICHARD: An A.A?
VIVIAN: An Abigail Adams, for distinguished service above and beyond.
EMILY: She deserves it.
VIVIAN: She's made this a must-be-at event. I'm guessing that's what brought Shira here.
EMILY: (excited) Shira? Shira Huntzberger's here?
VIVIAN: Rumsfeld, himself, would probably call her and thank her for the donation she made on the way in. Hillbilly armor will be a thing of the past.
EMILY: Where is she sitting?
VIVIAN: Up front. The table by the band.
EMILY: (shocked) Oh, my God!
RICHARD: (confused) What?
EMILY: Oh, my god. Excuse me. (Emily rushes off over to Rory at the other end of the bar) Rory, where's the seating chart?
RORY: What? Why?
EMILY: There's been a terrible mistake.
RORY: What mistake?
EMILY: You sat Shira Huntzberger at the slush table.
RORY: It was all that was available.
EMILY: The slush table is a loser table.
RORY: But why would we have a loser table?
EMILY: It's for people who show up unannounced.
RORY: (pissy) She was unannounced.
EMILY: There's people, then there's the Huntzbergers. They cannot sit at that table. This needs to be rectified.
RORY: I don't know what I can do. Every table is taken.
EMILY: I'll take care of it. Give me the seating chart. I'll find someone to bump. There's always someone to bump.
RORY: (opening up the seating chart and passing it to Emily) Grandma, it doesn't seem fair to bump someone.
EMILY: It's not. But if we don't find better seating for the Huntzbergers, it'll be a major faux pas, and it may be the only thing people remember from this otherwise wonderful event.
RORY: Wow.
EMILY: Yes.
RORY: Well, thank you for helping. And it's not the Huntzbergers.
EMILY: (distracted by the seating chart) What?
RORY: You keep saying "the Huntzbergers." It's only Shira and some friends.
EMILY: And Mitchum.
RORY: No.
EMILY: Yes. He's right over there. (points to Mitchum's direction. Rory looks around, notices Mitchum and starts to panic. Emily gasps gleefully) The Bettertons. Perfect! We'll bump Constance Betterton. It's a win/win. (walks away and leaves a scared looking Rory alone. Rory quickly gathers her things and walks away)
(CUT to Wafford Hall's kitchen, continuous. Rory walks in quickly and drops her notes on the counter. Paris seems to be taking a break)
RORY: (upset) Paris?!
PARIS: I'm just on my break. You're white as a sheet.
RORY: I'm having trouble...breathing.
PARIS: (walks over to Rory) You're having a panic att*ck.
RORY: I think so.
PARIS: Don't worry. I have these all the time.
RORY: What do I do?
PARIS: Well, it depends. There are different kinds. Does it feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest?
RORY: No.
PARIS: Does your chest feel like an overinflated balloon with a slow leak?
RORY: Uum...Not really.
PARIS: Sharp needles, intermittently poking into your left ventricle?
RORY: I don't know from ventricles, but there is a needle thing.
PARIS: You need Diazepam. 50...no, 100 milligrams. I'll get my purse. (starts to leave)
RORY: No, wait. I don't want any Diazepam. (Paris stops and walks back up at Rory)
PARIS: Well, what do you want? Fluoxetine, Protriptyline? I have others floating around the bottom of my purse. I have no idea what they are, but just popping a few can't hurt. Pretty hot grab bag
RORY: These people...Those people, they didn't even RSVP. That's not right. This is for our boys. They need to make a donation.
PARIS: (walks closer to Rory) Tough night for you, huh?
RORY: Shira's one thing. I can deal with her. But Mitchum? I can't see him. I can't face him. It's too much. After what he did, what he said to me. (voice breaks)
PARIS: What did he say to you?
RORY: If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have...
PARIS: you wouldn't have what? Rory?
RORY: Nothing, nothing. He's just...They're just not the nicest people.
PARIS: Well, the rich never are, because they don't have to be. When you control the means of production, it reduces the incentive to humanize workers. The capitalist system...
RORY (cuts Paris off) You know, I haven't eaten all day. I...I think I should eat. That's my problem. (walks away)
PARIS: Sure, boss, go eat. There's probably somewhere else where you eat, right? Special room.
(CUT to Miss Patty's, night. Some girls are on stage dancing "Swan Lake". Lorelai and Sookie are watching the show. Sookie is tear eyed)
SOOKIE: It's just so damn beautiful.
LORELAI: (sympathetically) I know, honey. (the dance is over and the audience starts to applaud)
PATTY: The Miss Patty Ballerinas, everybody. Now I would like to introduce a special new segment of my annual recital entitled "It Was 20 Years Ago Today." One of our local townsmen is going to re-create an act that he performed on this very stage 20 years ago. This young man was a talented pupil of my wonderful dancing skills and a genius tumbler. He once did ninety-eight somersaults in a row without throwing up. But that's nothing compared with his talent for mime. Here to present a piece of his own creation, entitled "The Journey Of Man", exactly as he performed it 20 years ago is...Kirk! (The audience applauds, Lorelai whistles. The lights go down and creepy, dramatical, mystical music starts to play. Kirk walks on stage and lies down. A spotlight on him is the only thing illuminating the stage)
LORELAI: (whispering to Sookie) Oh, it's moments like these that make life worth living. (Kirk starts up with his number. He pretends to be a sperm swimming then an embryo. All this is done in a very Kirk like disturbing manner)
LORELAI: Ew.
SOOKIE: Ew. (the same dramatic music keeps playing, now accompanied by chanting. Kirk is now re-enacting birth)
LORELAI: (disgusted) Ew!
SOOKIE: (disgusted) Ew! (Kirk does some funny - well not meant to be funny, but they come off that way - faces and gestures as he does that thing where doctors h*t the baby's back in order to make it cry)
LORELAI: So it's the birth of Lucille Ball? (Kirk is now an infant, walking like he's holding someone?s hand. Slowly he starts to stand up straight and then pretends to hold a bundle. Lorelai gasps!) He's a parent now, I get that.
SOOKIE: He's moving along at a nice clip. (Lorelai notices Luke's truck at the diner and sees Luke getting out and going back in)
LORELAI: I'll be right back.
SOOKIE: I'll catch you up when you return. (Lorelai gets up and exits the studio)
(CUT to Luke's diner, continuous. Luke is unpacking his camping stuff. Lorelai knocks on the diner door. Luke walks over, unlocks it for her and walks back to the counter. Lorelai comes in)
LORELAI: Hey, Grizzly Adams. Why are you back? The woods closed or something?
LUKE: No, they weren't closed. I was...I don't know. It's...what it is. Nature.
LORELAI: Nature? Nature is...
LUKE: You know, it's there, I saw it. Trees, leaves, whatever.
LORELAI: OK, that's your second answer in the form of a haiku. Let's get beyond that. Why are you back?
LUKE: Because I felt like coming back. I can't do what I want to do?
LORELAI: Of course you can.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: But camping is something you want to do.
LUKE: No, it's what you wanted me to do.
LORELAI: When did you turn against camping?
LUKE: I didn't turn against camping. I'm just trying to understand, why you were trying to get rid of me tonight.
LORELAI: I wasn't doing that.
LUKE: Well, you sent me off to the woods. What if I don't want to go off to the woods?
LORELAI: But you always want to go to the woods.
LUKE: Well, I don't like going to the woods when I'm being banished to them.
LORELAI: No one is banishing you.
LUKE: It felt like it.
LORELAI: Well, then, that's my fault. (sits on a nearby stool)
LUKE: (sighs) Look... I like doing things with you. Surprised I have to tell you that.
LORELAI: You don't have to tell me that.
LUKE: I like going shopping with you, I like having dinner with Sookie and Jackson. The actual shopping seems a little pointless, and Sookie's kids drive me up a wall, but you're there, and I like hanging with you.
LORELAI: I know that.
LUKE: And, I could have been fun at this recital. I mean, you're probably sitting there mocking most of it. I can mock stuff.
LORELAI: Oh, you're a great mocker. I was only thinking of you when I mentioned the camping. You haven't been camping since we got together, and I was feeling weird about that. You should do the things you like.
LUKE: I do do the things I like.
LORELAI: Well, I wasn't getting rid of you. I want you to do whatever you want to do with me. I know that sounded dirty, and dirty things count, but I didn't mean the dirty things. You and me can hang whenever, wherever.
LUKE: Yeah, well, maybe I'm being sensitive.
LORELAI: I really wasn't getting rid of you.
LUKE: I mean, I'm not dying to see baton twirling.
LORELAI: I'm happy to be with a man who isn't.
LUKE: Was there baton twirling?
LORELAI: Oh, yes, and it was no fun. She didn't drop it once. You want to come back to the recital with me? Kirk is doing something strange and disturbing.
LUKE: Nah, I think I might go back out camping. Wouldn't mind doing some fishing.
LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: Yeah. Good.
LORELAI: OK. (Lorelai leaves and Luke turns back his focus to his camping equipment)
(CUT to Miss Patty's Studio, continuous. Kirk is now lying on the stage and he seems to be in some sort of fit. Lorelai enters and makes her way to her seat)
LORELAI: Excuse me. Thank you. Hey.
SOOKIE: Kirk's dying.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, it's gonna happen to all of us one day. (notices Kirk twitching all over the place) Just not so spazzy. (Kirk finally seems to have *died* and the music stops. The audience starts applauding and cheering)
PATTY: And that's our show, everybody, and I think it was the best one ever! From all of us at the Miss Patty School, we thank you. (everyone starts to get up as music starts playing again. It's "We Got Magic To Do" now performed by all the pupils. The show is taken in the audience so everyone sits back down)
SOOKIE: (disappointed) OOooohh...
LORELAI: They're back. (as one of the kids starts singing and gesturing in front of her face) OK. (they throw glitter at them again) Oh, wow! You'd think they would have run out of glitter by now.
SOOKIE: This is so stressful! (the show seems to go on until the song is over)
(CUT to Wafford Hall's men?s room, night. Richard is washing his hands. Apparently the DAR event is still going on. Mitchum walks in the men?s room and greats Richard)
MITCHUM: Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, Mitchum, old boy. I didn't know you were out there.
MITCHUM: Just got here. It's quite the affair we got going here.
RICHARD: And for a wonderful cause.
MITCHUM: Not stuffy like the others. No smell of mothballs.
RICHARD: Well you know my granddaughter is responsible for it.
MITCHUM: Oh, yeah?
RICHARD: Mmm. Planned the whole thing.
MITCHUM: Well, that's nice. I didn't know that. She's a sweet kid.
RICHARD: The sweetest.
MITCHUM: Yeah. I wish Rory nothing but the best. (walks over to the mirror and starts fixing his hair a bit and straightening his tie) I came straight from work without looking in a mirror. Wish I had.
RICHARD: (chuckles) Mitchum, just out of curiosity, what happened with all of that?
MITCHUM: All of what?
RICHARD: Uh, that paper of yours in Stanford. Something apparently got blown out of proportion. There was some misunderstanding.
MITCHUM: Oh, it was nothing much. She's a great kid.
RICHARD: She is. And a great journalist. I've read things she's written. She's a talent.
MITCHUM: Maybe.
RICHARD: What do you mean "maybe"?
MITCHUM: well, I worked with her, Richard. I read her stuff, too.
RICHARD: Meaning?
MITCHUM: I've read great. I know what great is.
RICHARD: Well, when I said great, I didn't mean she was Ben Bradley yet, but she could be.
MITCHUM: (looks over at Richard for a b*at) Anything's possible. (starts to walk away)
RICHARD: What exactly happened at that paper, Mitchum? (walks over to Mitchum)
MITCHUM: It didn't work out, Richard. It was just one of those things. She's better off for what I did.
RICHARD: And what exactly did you do?
MITCHUM: Nothing you wouldn't have done.
RICHARD: Oh? And what was that?
MITCHUM: You're in the business world. You have employees, yes?
RICHARD: Of course.
MITCHUM: Say you got a guy working in your office. You brought him in. Nice guy, everybody loves him, but he just doesn't have it. He's a drain on the company. What are you gonna do?
RICHARD: My granddaughter was not a drain on your company.
MITCHUM: My point is that I wasn't going to put her in a position to become a drain. Now, Richard, really, we should get back out there.
RICHARD: What did you say to her?
MITCHUM: Richard...!
RICHARD: (persistent) what did you say to her, Mitchum?
MITCHUM: I did what I do with everyone. I called it like I saw it. I was honest with her. I don't pussyfoot. You know that.
RICHARD: You crushed her.
MITCHUM: And if she's got what it takes, she'll bounce back. No one's every criticized you, reprimanded you, critiqued you? I find that hard to believe.
RICHARD: (staring to raise his voice) This is not about me.
MITCHUM: She was in over her head. She lacked maturity.
RICHARD: She's not even 21!
MITCHUM: Look, just blame me, OK? I felt bad that she had to sit through that disastrous dinner with Shira and Pop, going on about marriage and how she can't become a Huntzberger. I don't care about any of that, so I gave her a sh*t, and she wasn't up to it.
RICHARD: (clearly upset) You crushed that girl!
MITCHUM: I did what I do. We should have done this on the phone. (Richard walks out of the room angrily)
(CUT to main Hall, continuous. The band is still singing. Richard walks up to Emily upset)
EMILY: Richard, there you are. This is one of your favourites, and you're missing it.
RICHARD: It's all true, all of it.
EMILY: What's true?
RICHARD: Everything she told us. Everything!
EMILY: ?Everything? who told us?
RICHARD: Lorelai. About what Mitchum did to Rory. How he said things to her, crushed her. About Logan's whole family!
EMILY: (disbelievingly) That can't be.
RICHARD: (frustrated) Mitchum just confirmed everything. He told that girl she wasn't good enough. I ought to punch him!
EMILY: Richard, calm down. People will hear.
RICHARD: They don't want her marrying into their precious family. They don't think she's good enough. He told her that she didn't have it. And you know she does! I know she does!
EMILY: Of course she does.
RICHARD: I can't stay in this room with these people.
EMILY: Richard, go outside, get some air.
RICHARD: We should go home.
EMILY: I'll catch up with you. Go outside.
RICHARD: (mad) Yeah, yeah. (Richard walks away. Emily turns slowly and menacingly and looks over at Shira's table. She walks over to her)
SHIRA: (greets Emily warmly) Emily!
EMILY: Hello, Shira. (they kiss hello) I'm here to rescue you. I've got a table for you and Mitchum right in the center.
SHIRA: Oh, bless you, Emily. I'm undeserving.
EMILY: Nonsense. It was a terrible mistake, and it must be rectified.
SHIRA: (referring to the band) Aren't they amazing?
EMILY: The whole combo is amazing. Follow me.
SHIRA: Me, I love the Beatles. Mitchum took me to see Paul McCartney last year, and I almost died. (Emily chuckles politely as Shira and her party get up. Emily holds Shira by the arm as she directs them to their new table)
EMILY: So Richard tells me we have a little problem.
SHIRA: Really? With what?
EMILY: With the kids. Logan, Rory. I understand you're not exactly thrilled with the match, that you let that be known to Rory at the dinner she had at your house. (they reach the table)
SHIRA: Oh, well, I wouldn't say "not thrilled".
EMILY: Then what would you say?
SHIRA: Oh, Emily, this is a party.
EMILY: I'm just curious.
SHIRA: This may not be the time and place, Emily. (she sits)
EMILY: (to two guests walking by) Hello, you two, drop by our table later. (back to Shira) Let's make it the time and place.
SHIRA: Consider the discrepancies, Emily.
EMILY: Well, that's what's confusing me. They both come from good families, both have good values. Money doesn't seem to be an issue. We all have money.
SHIRA: Frankly, Emily, there's your money, then there's our money.
EMILY: Oh?
SHIRA: And our family has a lot of responsibilities that come with that. An image to maintain.
EMILY: Ah, yes! Well let me tell you this, Shira. We are just as good as you are. You don't think Rory is good enough for your son, as if we don't know Logan's reputation. We do. But he is welcome in our home anytime, and you should extend the same courtesy to Rory.
SHIRA: Emily...
EMILY: Now let's talk about your money. (she bends over Shira?s chair) You were a two-bit gold digger, fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to choose you to marry amongst the pack of women he was bedding at the time, I'll never know. But hats off to you for bagging him. He's still a playboy, you know? Well, of course you know. That would explain why your weight goes up and down 30 pounds every other month. (Shira laughs uncomfortably) But that's your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities. No one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won't stop them. Now, enjoy the event. (Emily walls away and Shira looks uncomfortable. Waving at another guest) Diane, hello! (Emily walks over to her table and sits down. The band Stops playing. The guests start to applaud as Rory walks on stage)
RORY: The Swing Dolls, everybody. (Richard walks back into the main Hall, as the people applaud) I'm Rory Gilmore, the architect of this event. (everyone starts to applaud again. Emily looks radiant) Thank you. And I'd like to take this moment to thank some others for the outstanding success this evening. To Lacey Boscombe, my right hand, my girl Friday, I could not have done it without you. To Glenda, Lance, the entire serving crew, thank you. To the kind people at KBC Audio who generously donated this amazing...(as Rory delivers her "Thank You" speech Richard looks at her with great sadness)
END Of Episode 6.05 - We've Got Magic To Do | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x05 - We've Got Magic to do"} | foreverdreaming |
[Before the teaser there is a montage of scenes from previous episodes.]
MISS PATTY'S DANCE STUDIO
[Lorelai enters and sits next to Sookie. The town meeting is about to start.]
LORELAI: Hi!
SOOKIE: Hey! Haven't started yet.
LORELAI: Oh, good. Sorry I'm late. I found Paul Anka hiding underneath the kitchen sink, chewing on one of my favorite pairs of shoes.
SOOKIE: Boy, that guy's career has really h*t the skids. [She giggles and Lorelai rolls her eyes.] Okay, that is officially my last 'Paul Anka the person is living in your house' joke.
[Lorelai nods. Taylor bangs the gavel to start the meeting.]
TAYLOR: Hello, everybody. Thank you all for coming. We have a packed agenda tonight so why don't we get started? First off, a little update on the improvements to the post office building -
[Kirk and Andrew burst in the side door and interrupt the meeting, they are dressed in re-enactors outfits.]
ANDREW: What be this?
KIRK: A gathering of some kind.
ANDREW: Be it safe, or shall I raise my musket?
KIRK: Patience, brother! Despite the disturbing sight of women in pantaloons -
LORELAI: Oh, I hope this isn't an audience participation thing.
TAYLOR: Excuse me, but we're in the middle of something here! Who are you?
GYPSY: It's Kirk!
KIRK: I am Phineas and this is my brother, Zebediah. We have come a long way. Through space and time.
ANDREW: We hail from Stars Hollow. I, a silversmith and he, a simple cobbler.
KIRK: With good rates. I will cobble you a... cobbled thing for a haypenny.
SOOKIE: Does Kirk know what a cobbler is?
LORELAI: I'm guessing no.
TAYLOR: But I know all the denizens of Stars Hollow. I don't recognize you!
GYPSY: It's Kirk and Andrew!
TAYLOR [Speaking strongly]: Gypsy.
GYPSY: It is!
KIRK: And we do not recognize you. As residents of the year 1779, all looks foreign to us.
LORELAI: Who's going to tell him those outfits are so 1778?
TAYLOR: Why, you have sojourned from the very year of Stars Hollow's founding! I pray, good sirs, do you still find our town pleasing?
KIRK: Yes, but much has changed. Samuel Munson's apothecary is gone, and with it, his leeches.
ANDREW: And Old Clay's gambling hall, where we did frolic with wenches.
KIRK: We are without leeches and wenches.
ANDREW: And most disorienting, the street names. They're all so different!
KIRK: We were looking for Blacksmith's Road and found Peach Street.
ANDREW: And for Longman's Leap and found Second Avenue.
TAYLOR: That must be very confusing. Pray, tell me, how may we ease your passage?
KIRK: If the town were to return to it's old street names, we would more easily find our way.
TAYLOR [theatrically]: The old street names, you say! Gentlemen, do take seats while I confer with my contemporaries.
[They sit next too Gypsy, in the front row with.]
GYPSY: Who are you fooling?
KIRK: Shh!
GYPSY: You're wearing tube socks.
TAYLOR: Ladies and gentlemen, our tourism revenue is off twenty-six percent from the previous fiscal year. In that same time, Woodbury and Cogsville's revenue has jumped. That's because they are highlighting their heritage, thus increasing their charm. The more charm a town has, the greater its tourism revenue.
MISS PATTY: We've got charm.
BABETTE: Yeah! You wouldn't believe the bikini waxes Lisa's doing at the beauty parlor! Any shape you can imagine. So clever. And charming.
TAYLOR: But not historically charming. Which is why I'm proposing changing our street names back to what they were at Stars Hollow's founding.
MISS PATTY: Isn't that going to cost a lot of money?
BABETTE: Yeah, Taylor, you hate spending money.
TAYLOR: This is an investment in our future.
GYPSY: I'll have to buy new business cards.
LORELAI: I think it would be kinda cool.
MISS PATTY: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah. I like old-timey stuff, and the Dragonfly's on Third Street, which is kind of boring.
TAYLOR: Well, thank you, Lorelai, for your sound opinion. I think it's one of my better ideas.
LORELAI: I agree. It's not like the time you guaranteed the tourists a mosquito-free summer and then released hundreds of bats all over town.
MISS PATTY: Oh, that was a stinker.
SOOKIE: Or how about when he was trying to attract families to visit the town by driving his van around other towns and beckoning kids with candy!
[Giggling and laughing from the crowd.]
GYPSY: That was dumb.
BABETTE: Really dumb!
TAYLOR: So... we're saying this is a good idea?
LORELAI: That is what we're saying.
TAYLOR: Let's put it to a vote, then, shall we? All those in favour raise hands.
[Most of the people raise their hands.]
TAYLOR: Excellent, then the motion is passed and we shall change our street names! [He bangs the gavel.] Now, our next order of business -
BABETTE: Oh, wait! What about when he had us re-enact the Boston Tea Party in the lake!
TAYLOR [warning]: Babette.
GYPSY: What a disaster.
MISS PATTY: We're still paying off the EPA fines!
TAYLOR: Folks, please.
LORELAI: What about the museum of rocks that looked like famous people?
SOOKIE: Ooh, that's my favorite!
[Jackson rolls his eyes and everyone laughs.]
OPENING CREDITS
LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai is reading the newspaper at the counter, when Lane brings her breakfast.]
LANE: Here you go, scooped bagel, cream cheese, jam.
LORELAI: Thank you! Did you save the scoopings? [Lane brings up an extra plate.] I love you.
LANE: So, what's going on in the world?
LORELAI: Nothing.
LANE: Nothing.
LORELAI: - good. There's nothing good. There's absolutely nothing even remotely positive going on anywhere in the world. How can that be?
LANE: That's why I don't read the paper anymore.
LORELAI: You will mine. I'm starting my own. The Good News Daily. Nothing but good news, every day.
LANE: Sounds good.
LORELAI: "No civil w*r in Canada." Big article. "Cars drive down road without incident." Front-page news. "Puppies, how cute are they?" In-depth expose and the subscription is free. How happy is that?
LANE: I may end up in a better mood.
LUKE [Going behind the counter]: So what are you hanging out here for?
LORELAI: Oh, ouch, what happened to the love?
LUKE: You know what I mean. You're usually at the inn by now.
LORELAI: Well, new street names are being posted today. I'm waiting for Sookie and Michel, we're going to go see what name the Dragonfly got. Want to come with, see what name you got?
LUKE: I'll wait to read about it in the Good News Daily.
LORELAI: All right. It's another dumb Taylor thing, sorry. You may now lower your blood pressure.
LUKE: That's not why I'm not going, I just don't have the time. I think changing the street names' a fine idea.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
LUKE: No, change 'em all. Name 'em after cartoon characters. I'll be on Scooby Doo Lane. It's all the same to me.
LORELAI: Where's this coming from?
LUKE: It's taken me a ridiculous amount of years, but when it comes to all things Taylor I've adopted a Zen attitude.
LORELAI [surprised]: Zen.
LUKE: Go with the flow, let the River Taylor take you where it may. Don't fight it, just let it happen.
LORELAI: But what if he wants to paint the diner pink for Easter like he did last year.
LUKE: Then let the building be pink.
LORELAI: But what if he decides we should all dress up as our favorite tree again for Arbor Day?
LUKE: Wrap me in bark, fill me with sap, tell me where to stand.
LORELAI: Well, what if he wants to Photoshop a picture of you with your arm around him and slap it on a billboard that overlooks the whole town?
LUKE: The river's end -
LORELAI: You're sitting on his lap.
LUKE: - will keep on flowing.
LORELAI: Holding a baby rattle.
LUKE: Let me keep my Zen.
LORELAI: I'm gonna miss Nuclear Luke.
[Michel and Sookie enter.]
SOOKIE [lively]: Hey.
LORELAI: Hi!
SOOKIE: We just passed Esther Wilkins. She got Constabulary Road. Constabulary Road! How cool is that?
LORELAI: Very! I'll be done here in a minute.
MICHEL: Do you have coffee?
LUKE: You mean, here, at my coffee shop? Uh, let me think. Yeah.
MICHEL: Give it.
LORELAI: You're going to need a little Zen for him too.
MICHEL: This is very early for me to get up.
SOOKIE: You'll survive, big guy!
MICHEL: I'm not at my best if I don't get my model's twelve.
SOOKIE: Well, you hide beautifully.
MICHEL: It's the keels. Absinthe serum with ginkgo extract. Like you're washing your face in a bowl of diamonds.
SOOKIE: A bowl of diamonds? Doesn't that just cut up your face?
MICHEL: Huh. I need my coffee.
[Lorelai looks in the paper again and is taken aback seeing a photo of Rory from the DAR part from last week.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM
[Richard is also reading the same newspaper and looking at the same photo.]
EMILY: Does your grapefruit taste strange to you?
RICHARD: What?
EMILY: The grapefruit. Is it unnaturally sweet?
RICHARD: It tastes like grapefruit, Emily.
EMILY: There's sugar on it. I can taste it. Consuela put sugar on it.
RICHARD: If you say.
EMILY: That girl puts sugar on everything! Like yesterday's salmon. Fish is not supposed to be caramelised.
RICHARD: I didn't notice.
EMILY: Don't defend her, Richard.
RICHARD: I'm not defending her, Emily.
EMILY [stands up]: It starts with the grapefruit, next it'll be the berries, the melons. Pretty soon everything in this house will be candied.
[Walking to the intercom.] Rory, breakfast is ready!
[Rory, stunted sits up in bed, still half asleep she walks over to the intercom.]
EMILY: Rory, are you there? Rory!
RORY [mumbling into the intercom]: Good morning, Grandma.
EMILY: You're not still sleeping, are you?
RORY [yawns]: No.
EMILY: You're missing Katie Couric.
RORY: I don't watch Katie Couric.
EMILY: Oh. I thought you watch Katie Couric. I heard you mention her once.
RORY: Grandma, did you find someone to fix the intercom yet? It's stuck at this one volume. Loud.
EMILY: I've been looking and looking, but the company that made it went out of business in 1973. The Binsor Corp. Arthur Godfried was their spokesman.
RORY: Who?
EMILY: Oh, he was sort of a Katie Couric of his day. We'll get the intercom fixed, I promise.
RORY: Good.
EMILY: So I'll go ahead and pour you some coffee?
RORY: I'll be right in.
EMILY: I'm signing off! Ten-four!
RORY [sleepily]: Ten-four.
[Emily goes back to her seat, as she passes Richard she see the photo in the paper.]
EMILY: Isn't that a pretty picture?
RICHARD: The prettiest.
EMILY: That outfit matched her face. You'll get extra copies for us, right?
RICHARD: I'll have my secretary get them.
EMILY [sitting]: So have you seen Logan around lately?
RICHARD: I don't know if it was lately.
EMILY: That makes me nervous.
RICHARD: Well, he's busy too.
EMILY: I hope that's it, and not something else.
RICHARD: What else would it be?
EMILY: Oh, that talk I had with Shira. I hoped our understanding was clear about those two. That we were going to let them be. Maybe I was just being naive. [Richard turns the page.] Richard, are you listening to me?
RICHARD: Yes, Emily. And just because you haven't seen the boy doesn't mean anything. Our hours are different from theirs.
[The doorbell rings and Emily looks around.]
EMILY: Consuela! Consuela! [She throws her napkin down and gets up.] She's probably in the backyard harvesting sugar cane. [She walks to the front door.]
RICHARD [under his breath]: Maybe Consuela and Logan have run off together.
EMILY [OS]: Not funny! [She receives a package for Mr. Gilmore.] Thanks.
RICHARD: Logan's probably out of town. Or busy with school.
EMILY [OS]: All I know is I haven't seen him and Rory is lying in bed 'till eight-thirty every morning. [She walks back in.] That could be some sort of young woman's melancholy. Something from your office. [Giving an envelope to Richard.] Though why I had to fetch it I don't know. I'll remind Consuela it's part of her job. Assuming she hasn't left us to go work full-time for that giant sugar consortium that sent her here. What's that?
RICHARD: Just an insurance claim from the Dragonfly.
EMILY: A claim? What sort of claim?
RICHARD: Oh, they had a small f*re there last week.
EMILY: They had a f*re?
RICHARD: Oh, don't get excited.
EMILY: Is Lorelai okay?
RICHARD: She's fine.
EMILY: Did you talk to her?
RICHARD: I talked to her.
EMILY: You talked to her.
RICHARD: Yes, Emily. She had a small f*re.
EMILY: Well, how did she sound?
RICHARD: Just like she'd had a small f*re. It was a very quick face-to-face, and then I left.
EMILY: Face-to-face? You saw her face-to-face?
RICHARD: Well, I had to go over there.
EMILY: Why did you have to go over there?
RICHARD: Because, Emily! She'd just had a small f*re!
EMILY: How did she look?
RICHARD: Fine.
EMILY: Was she thin, heavy, did she look tired? What was she wearing? And is she still in that netherworld of 'I don't know what my hair is supposed to be'?
RICHARD: She looked just like Lorelai.
[Giving up she goes back to her seat.]
RICHARD: It was a very brief conversation! Unlike the one you and I are having.
EMILY: You should have told me, Richard. [She takes a bite of her grapefruit and grimaces.] And this grapefruit is definitely sugared!
STARS HOLLOW STREET
[Lorelai, Sookie and Michel are walking.]
LORELAI: I hope it's something like Calla Lily Lane. You know, like a flower, something pretty.
SOOKIE: Or Charing Cross Road, or Abbey Road, something classic.
MICHEL: Can we walk a little faster, please?
SOOKIE: Michel's still pouting?
MICHEL: I'm not pouting.
LORELAI: Oh, so your botox has worn off?
MICHEL: It has not, and I'm not pouting.
LORELAI: Well, then, get with the spirit. This is a workout, and you're getting paid for this.
MICHEL: So it takes the three of us to stare at a stupid piece of cardboard. Maybe later we can all g*ng up on that light bulb.
[They stop at the town map of Stars Hollow.]
LORELAI: Okay, let's see here.
SOOKIE: Ooh, I'm so excited. It's like Spanish class where everyone gets a Spanish name.
LORELAI: What were you?
SOOKIE: Sookia. I don't think it's a real Spanish name, I think they just added an 'A' on the end.
[They look at the map.]
LORELAI: Okay, see, where are we?
SOOKIE: There! Right there!
MICHEL: That is the lake, Sookie. If we were there, we would all have drowned. We are at the bottom.
LORELAI: No, no, no, I think we're off to the right. Or, off to the left. Wait, where's north?
SOOKIE: Everything's rotated ninety degrees. This map's completely whack-a-doodle. I can't find - oh.
MICHEL: Oh, no.
LORELAI [gasps]: Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no.
DRAGONFLY INN
[Sookie and Michel enter, in a bad mood, followed by Lorelai on her cell phone.]
LORELAI: Yeah. No, I understand, Taylor's a very busy man, but it's just a quick question. Lorelai Gilmore. You know me, Joey. You cleaned out my rain gutters last year. Yes, I paid you! I most definitely paid you!
SOOKIE: Got to be a mistake. Got to be a mistake!
MICHEL: Sores and Boils Alley.
SOOKIE: Stop saying that!
MICHEL: We are on Sores and Boils Alley!
SOOKIE: What kind of menu could you serve on Sores and Boils Alley, huh? Huh?
MICHEL: Anything in a crust.
SOOKIE: Eugh.
LORELAI: Try in the storage room, Joey! Yes, I know it's creepy in there, but I really need to speak to him.
SOOKIE: Why couldn't it be something that didn't ooze or run? Like a wart! Or a bunion! Bunions are okay. They're sort of onions mixed with buns, and that's sort of appetizing if you don't think too hard.
MICHEL: You know what this means, don't you?
LORELAI: It means nothing.
SOOKIE: It means my next review will be in the New England Journal of Medicine!
LORELAI: I want you to both chill out. I will fix this just as soon as I get Taylor on the phone.
SOOKIE: Okay. Maybe if we come up with a catchy phrase. You know, something funny, so it seems like we're in on the joke, you know? Like, we're aware. Ironic and hip.
[A deliveryman comes in the room and goes to Lorelai.]
MICHEL: Like what? What catchy phrase using the words Sores and Boils will make us seem like we're in on the joke?
DELIVERYMAN: Delivery.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I'll sign for it.
[She signs for a package, the deliveryman leaves.]
SOOKIE: Michel, don't get hostile with me!
MICHEL: You are a silly woman.
SOOKIE: I am not silly! You're silly!
LORELAI [opening up the box]: Hey, I want you both to cut it out. Now, I am going to fix this. I mean, the whole idea behind this street name thing was to improve tourism. You know? Not destroy it. So - huh. [She pulls out an old cuckoo clock.] Sookie, did you order this?
SOOKIE: Nope.
LORELAI: Michel?
MICHEL: Yeah, right. Like I'm going to buy an analog clock. Do I look two hundred and five?
LORELAI: Well, apparently it's for me, but I didn't order a clock. [On the phone.] Uh, yes, I'm still here. No, okay, just tell him I called. [She hangs up the phone.]
SOOKIE: You couldn't find Taylor?
LORELAI: Don't worry, I will!
MICHEL: I'm going to go add a few select fibs to my resume.
LORELAI: Michel! [He leaves.] I will find him, Sookie, don't cry!
SOOKIE [almost crying]: White sauce looks like pus!
LORELAI: Go in the kitchen, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Salsa Verde looks like infection!
LORELAI: Kitchen, go!
[On her way to the kitchen, Sookie whimpers. Lorelai checks out the new clock.]
RORY'S POOL HOUSE
[Logan knocks on the door of the pool house, Rory waves him in. He is carrying a very big shopping bag.]
RORY: Wow, you made good time.
LOGAN: Silly rabbit, speed limits are for kids. [They kiss.]
RORY: Hey, you went shopping?
LOGAN: Actually, I did.
RORY: For me?
LOGAN: For you.
RORY: Wow, what's the occasion?
LOGAN: Where is it written you need an occasion?
RORY [pulls a large box out of the bag]: Wow, you did it. You brought me the head of Alfredo Garcia.
LOGAN [laughing]: Open it, Ace.
[She takes a large cloth bag out of the box.]
RORY: Wow, cool, a bag!
LOGAN: Look inside!
[She pulls a pink leather purse out of the cloth bag.]
RORY: Wow, cool! A bag!
LOGAN: You like it?
RORY: Hello, I'm a girl. It's a purse.
LOGAN: Not just a purse, it's a Birkin bag.
RORY: I went to school with a guy named Birkin.
LOGAN: I don't think this is the same Birkin.
RORY: Oh. Well, it's beautiful. I mean, it's snazzy and classy, and oh, smell it. It's got that great new car smell, except it's not a car. Oh, I love it Logan. I love it. Thank you so much. [She looks in the pockets.]
LOGAN: You're welcome. Sorry, there's not another bag inside the bag inside the bag inside the box inside the bag.
RORY: It's great. You know, I think my computer cords would fit in this perfectly.
LOGAN: Uh, this is not a computer cord kind of purse, Ace. You know what, why don't you just call my sister, she'll fill you in. It's like a 'thing', you know?
RORY [smiling]: Huh. It's a thing. A beautiful leather grown-up thing.
LOGAN: So you ready to go?
RORY: Uh, yeah. [She picks up her old purse, starts moving the contents it into the new bag, she gives up and puts the whole thing inside.] Let's go!
[They leave together.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Paul Anka is on the bed and Lorelai sits next to him, she is waiting on the phone.]
LORELAI: Come on, Taylor, answer!
TAYLOR: Taylor's Ye Olde Soda Shoppe! How can I help ye?
LORELAI: Taylor! It's Lorelai! I've been trying to reach you all day.
TAYLOR: Lorelai! Oh, well, Joey mentioned that. He also mentioned something about not being paid for some rain gutters he cleaned? That's not cool.
LORELAI: Look, Taylor, um, do you by any chance know what street name the Dragonfly got?
TAYLOR: Of course! Sores and Boils Alley!
LORELAI: So you knew about it.
TAYLOR: Absolutely.
LORELAI: Sores and Boils?
TAYLOR: That's right.
LORELAI: Sores and Boils?
TAYLOR: Yes, indeed. I'd k*ll to have that name, quite frankly. You're a lucky woman.
LORELAI: How?
TAYLOR: Sores and Boils Alley is one of the most historical places in all Stars Hollow! In the eighteenth century, if you had a sore or a boil, you came to Stars Hollow to have it lanced -
LORELAI: Yeah, but -
TAYLOR: - to the very site of your establishment! Word is they also had a leper colony in your garage! I'm trying to verify that. If we do, you get a plaque.
LORELAI: Okay, Taylor. Look. [The doorbell rings goes and answers it.]
TAYLOR: Truth is, this town wouldn't be here without your street! Sores and boils may seem minor to us now, as we sit here with our Sea Breeze astringent and our Pond's cold cream, but time was they were the scourge with no cure. And where was that noble work done? Where were the sick cured and the suffering put at ease? I'll tell you where, on Sores and Boils Alley! In fact, I even have a valuable collection of antique lances. Yours for the asking. As a loaner, of course. The Dragonfly can display them in the lobby. Assuming you're bonded. [Lorelai opens the door to another deliveryman. He brings in a huge box and sets it down, she signs for it and he leaves.]
LORELAI: Look, the historical thing, it's swell. The boils and sores and lepers and lances. Great stuff. If you're running a hospice in the eighteenth century. But I'm running an inn in the twenty-first!
TAYLOR: And?
LORELAI: People come here for a beautiful nice romantic time. And part of what I slightly overcharge them for is the ambiance.
TAYLOR: Is there a point here?
LORELAI: The point is that I don't want to have to go around advertising, 'Come to historic Stars Hollow! It's not as gross as it sounds!'
TAYLOR: I must say, I'm very surprised at this negativity! You were so supportive at the meeting. What happened, a fight with Luke?
LORELAI: Look, Taylor, I'm trying to be very Zen about this, but this name is just not going to work for me!
TAYLOR: Well, I'm not really sure what to do about this.
LORELAI: We could just keep our old street name. No harm, no foul, no Lorelai pulling her hair out.
TAYLOR: No. The whole town's changing, that won't work at all. But I will think about your situation and try to come up with alternatives.
LORELAI: Great. And I'll think about it too, and together I'm sure we'll figure something out. Huh? We can fix this!
TAYLOR: All right.
LORELAI: Great. Thank you, Taylor.
[She hangs up the phone, pulling a very big antique birdcage out of the box. She looks at Paul Anka.]
LORELAI: You order a birdcage?
GILMORE HOUSE - OUTSIDE
[Walking past the main house.]
RORY: I've never had so many compliments about anything.
LOGAN: It's not the bag, Ace, it's the arm it's on.
RORY: And, I, like, swear that I'm not going to let ballpoint pens explode in the bottom of it.
LOGAN: Crap, I left my cell back in the car.
RORY: Are you expecting a call?
LOGAN: From my dad. He's dragging me to a corporate retreat at his editor's. Three days of absolutely, Mitchum. Great idea, Mitchum. Can I pre-chew that food for you, Mitchum?
RORY: You can suffer through three days.
LOGAN: I'll meet you back at the pool house, okay?
RORY: Don't get lost.
[Logan watches Rory walking towards the pool house as Richard opens the side door of the main house.]
RICHARD: Oh, Logan! I thought I heard a noise.
LOGAN: Richard. Yes, I was just dropping Rory off.
RICHARD: Oh! [He checks his watch.] Ten o'clock on the button, well done!
LOGAN: Well, I didn't want to keep her out too late, sir.
RICHARD: Well, you're a responsible young man, Logan. Say, how about a nightcap? I have a new single malt I'm dying to break in.
LOGAN [shrugging]: Sounds great.
[Richard closes the door behind him.]
RICHARD [to Emily]: Look who I found!
EMILY: Logan! You found Logan. How are you?
LOGAN: How are you, Emily?
RICHARD: Logan was just dropping Rory off.
EMILY: Ten o'clock on the button!
RICHARD: A gentleman, this one.
EMILY: Logan, would you like some coffee? Perhaps some dessert?
LOGAN: Thanks, Emily, but I've eaten.
RICHARD: I thought the two of us would, uh, grab a little nightcap.
EMILY: Well, I'll leave you men to your drinks.
LOGAN: Good seeing you, Emily.
[Emily leaves.]
RICHARD [offering Logan a seat]: Please.
[He sits and Richard starts making the drinks.]
RICHARD: So, how are things, Logan?
LOGAN: Fine.
RICHARD: Good. Back at school, are you?
LOGAN: For a few weeks now.
RICHARD: Good, good. Good that you're back. Got any classes that you're interested in this year?
LOGAN: Semester's shaping up okay. [Richard hands Logan his drink.] Thank you.
RICHARD: Oh. Cheers. [Richard sits down as they each take a sip.] You working at the Yale paper again?
LOGAN: Yes, sir.
RICHARD: Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?
LOGAN: Not if the tree has anything to say about it.
RICHARD: Yes, well. It's good to see you. We don't get many sightings of you young people nowadays, the two of you, ensconced back there at the pool house. Rory's so busy. Her life's a total mystery to us. She could be in the CIA for all we know.
LOGAN: Well, I don't think she's joined the CIA, sir, but I'll check her purse for secret documents.
RICHARD [chuckles]: So, tell me, Logan, what is going on with Rory? Uh, yours and Rory's life?
LOGAN: Uh, nothing special.
RICHARD: No? Oh, well. Does she have any big plans?
LOGAN: Plans?
RICHARD: Yes, well, the way that girl keeps to herself, we wouldn't know if she was moving to Peru. Are you two planning on moving to Peru?
LOGAN: No, we're not.
RICHARD: Well, if not Peru, then what is on the horizon for Rory? And for you. Anything different going to happen?
LOGAN: I don't, uh, well, we're thinking of going to the Vineyard in a few weeks, that's about it.
RICHARD: A trip to the Vineyard?
LOGAN: Yes, sir.
RICHARD: Nothing else coming down the pike?
LOGAN: No, sir.
[Logan sees Rory through the window behind Richard.]
RICHARD: Hm. Well, the Vineyard is always nice. Very brisk this time of year.
RORY [entering]: Hey, Logan. What are you doing here? I thought you'd left.
LOGAN: I ran into Richard on the way out.
EMILY [coming back down the stairs]: Rory, is that you?
RORY: Um, yeah, Grandma, it's me.
EMILY: What are you doing here?
RORY: Well, I was just looking for some sugar. For my morning coffee.
EMILY: Oh, please, don't get me started on sugar.
LOGAN: Richard and I were just catching up.
RICHARD: Having a little ‘digestif'.
LOGAN: Yes, and, Richard, the scotch was great, but I should probably get going given the hour.
RICHARD: Oh, of course.
RORY: I'll walk you out.
LOGAN: Richard, Emily.
RICHARD: Good to see you, Logan.
EMILY: Drive safe!
[Rory and Logan both leave.]
EMILY [smiles up at Richard]: So what were you two chatting about?
RICHARD: Oh, this and that.
EMILY: Did it seem like everything was fine between the two of them?
RICHARD: Far as I could tell. We're missing Charlie Rose.
[They head upstairs. Rory and Logan tiptoe past the window.]
RORY'S POOLHOUSE
[Rory and Logan enter.]
RORY: What was that all about?
LOGAN: What was that about? Your grandfather was asking me about my intentions.
RORY: Your intentions? Toward what?
LOGAN: Uh, toward you. Us. Marriage.
RORY: What? Why?
LOGAN: I don't know. Suddenly I was in there and he was asking me all kinds of questions about our plans and the future and the CIA and Peru.
RORY: I don't understand! Why would he do this?
LOGAN: I don't know.
RORY: I'm only twenty. We're young. We just started going out. Why would we even be thinking about marriage?
LOGAN: I don't know, Ace. These are all really good questions. Listen, maybe we should hang out at my place for a while so as not to give your grandparents a visual to latch onto.
RORY: No. Look, I'll take care of this. I promise. Don't worry about it.
LOGAN: Ace, it's okay. You don't have to do anything.
RORY: No, this is not okay. This is not cool. I don't want them thinking this, I don't want you feeling like you can't come over here. I promise you, I will take care of this, okay?
LOGAN: Okay. Oh!
RORY: What?
LOGAN: My cell phone's still in my car.
RORY: Oh, sorry.
LOGAN: Hey, if I'm not back in five minutes it means I'm in the main house picking out china patterns with Emily.
[Logan leaves.]
DRAGONFLY INN
[Michel at the front desk. Lorelai walks up to him]
LORELAI: Oh, I'm starved.
MICHEL: You're always starved.
LORELAI: Yes, but now I'm crash landed in the Andes, eat my team mates starved. I'll be back in an hour. [She sees a small pile of packages on the counter.] No.
MICHEL: Mm-hm. Three more packages, all for you.
LORELAI [opening the boxes]: Where is all this stupid stuff coming from?
[She pulls out a china figurine.]
MICHEL: Looks like classic home shopping channel merchandise to me.
LORELAI: I haven't bought anything off the home shopping channel.
MICHEL: That you remember.
LORELAI: How could I not remember?
MICHEL: You could be deluding yourself. Suppressing a shameful, costly, and yes, extremely tacky shopping addiction from your memory.
LORELAI: I do not have a home shopping channel addiction. [She removes a matching figurine from the second box.] This does look familiar. Like I've seen it before.
MICHEL: Mm-hm. And was Joan Rivers or Suzanne Somers holding it up?
LORELAI: I'm not buying these things.
MICHEL: Keep telling yourself that. By the way, Kirk is in the dining room wanting to speak to you.
LORELAI: Must be about the street name.
MICHEL: Can you contain your personal demons long enough to face him, or shall I send him away?
LORELAI: Enough, Michel.
MICHEL: It's never enough. That is the problem.
[Lorelai walks into the dining room, shakes hands with Kirk.]
KIRK: Lorelai, hello.
LORELAI: Hello, Kirk.
KIRK: Have a seat.
LORELAI: Okay.
[They sit down.]
KIRK: I'm pleased to inform you that the Stars Hollow board of tourism has graciously decided to offer you a proposal.
LORELAI [relieved]: Great. I appreciate it. What do you have for me?
KIRK: Well, you can choose any of three historically anchored street names that pre-dated Sores and Boils Alley. It's a generous proposal.
LORELAI: Let's hear 'em.
KIRK: The first one is Constabulary Road.
LORELAI: Constabulary Road.
KIRK: It's a very nice name. Classic. Very evocative of old-time Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: Yes, it's very nice, but Kirk, that's the exact same name of Esther Wilkins' street. I mean, the exact name. It's taken.
KIRK: I know. Apparently at one time there were several streets named Constabulary Road in Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: Yeah, that would be incredibly confusing.
KIRK: Oh, it would be a disaster. It was back then, too. Mail was mis-delivered, soldiers lost their way. It completely disoriented senior citizens. There was rioting, chaos, death. Everyone hated it.
LORELAI: What's number two?
KIRK: Number two. Chergogagog Manchogagog Cherbonagongamog.
LORELAI: Chergona-what?
KIRK: An old Nimblook Indian name. It means: you fish on your side of the lake, I'll fish on my side, no one fishes in the middle. Or maybe it means Buffalo.
LORELAI: It's unpronouncable. Next?
KIRK: From 1768, something flavorful. Crusty Bulge.
LORELAI: Oh, come on!
KIRK: Is that a no?
LORELAI: Yes, that's a no! Kirk, these are not legitimate choices!
KIRK: Taylor thinks they are.
LORELAI: Well, Taylor is wrong. The Dragonfly is a business! We need a credible street name! So I'll tell you what we're going to do, we're keeping Third Street.
KIRK: Taylor is not going to like that.
LORELAI: Well, too bad. 'Cause that's what we're doing. Decision made. 'Cause it's not going to be Crusty Bulge! And it's not going to be an Indian name that no one can pronounce, and it's not going to be a name that fifty thousand other people had that caused mass chaos and death in 1492 and oh my God, I just realized where all that stuff is from!
KIRK: What? What stuff?
LORELAI [stands]: Never mind, just tell Taylor what I said.
KIRK: So we're done here?
LORELAI: Definitely.
KIRK [loosening off his tie]: Thank God. Mom tied this way too tight.
[Lorelai leaves.]
RORY'S POOL HOUSE
[Rory's pours herself some coffee. Hearing a knock at the door, she answers it. Emily enter with a very old man.]
EMILY: Am I disturbing?
RORY: No, come on in.
EMILY: Rory, this is Edgar Pullings. He installed the intercom forty-six years ago.
RORY: Nice to meet you.
[Pause.]
EMILY [shouting]: She said 'nice to meet you'!
EDGAR: Oh. Nice to meet you, young lady.
EMILY: He calls me that, too. [Loudly] It's right in there, Edgar!
EDGAR: Okay, I'll have a look-see.
EMILY [loudly]: You just holler when you're situated and I'll bring in your toolbox. And if you're feeling faint or need a glass of water, don't be shy!
[Emily leads the old man to the bedroom and turns back to Rory.] I'm sorry for the short notice, but once I found him I thought I'd better get him over here before he - retires.
RORY: No, it's great. Thank you.
EMILY: Everything else around here up to snuff? Are the sheets being over-ironed?
RORY: No. They're perfect.
EMILY: Because that's not an urban legend. If sheets have a high thread count, they can be over-ironed.
RORY [Nods]: Grandma, can I ask a favour?
EMILY: Of course.
RORY: I was just wondering if you would speak with Grandpa for me.
EMILY: About what?
[They both sit on the lounge.]
RORY: Well, when he had the nightcap with Logan, he said some things that made Logan a little uncomfortable.
EMILY: Oh, no, what kind of things?
RORY: Just things about our future – Logan's and mine. I think Grandpa wanted to find out if we were getting married.
EMILY [surprised]: What?
RORY: And the thing is, we're young. And we haven't been going out for that long. It's way too soon for us to be thinking about getting serious.
EMILY: Of course it is! Your grandfather should know better. Don't you worry, I'll clear this up with him.
RORY: Thank you, Grandma.
EMILY: My pleasure. So, now that that's taken care of, tell me. Just between us girls. How are things going between you two?
RORY [blushing]: Well, they're great. Logan's very nice. He bought me this terrific gift, just completely out of the blue.
EMILY: Is that so?
RORY: Totally unexpected. It's called a Birkin bag?
EMILY [floored]: A Birkin bag. Oh, my God. A Birkin bag?
RORY: You've heard of it?
EMILY: Of course! That's a very nice purse!
RORY: Oh. Maybe I shouldn't use it?
EMILY: Oh, no. A Birkin bag is meant to be used. And seen.
RORY: I had no idea.
EMILY [pleased]: Well, well, well. A Birkin bag! A Birkin bag. A Birkin bag for Rory.
RORY: Grandma.
EMILY: I'm just saying, I mean, Richard never bought me a Birkin bag. Oh, this is exciting!
RORY: I guess it is!
EMILY: A Birkin bag! I'm going to remember this day. [Day dreaming.]
RORY: Um, it's been very quiet in there.
EMILY: Huh? Oh, dear! [She gets up and hurries to the bedroom.] Edgar! Edgar! Edgar!
LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Oh, my God, I made it! Food. Me. Give.
LUKE: Emergency B.L.T.
LORELAI: Yeah! Emergency chilli fries and black and white shake. It's a three-alarm emergency.
LUKE: Something came for you early this morning, good old Caesar signed for it.
[He gestures to a giant urn next to the window to the Taylor's "Soda Shoppee".]
LORELAI [gasps]: Oh my God!
LUKE: Now, normally I have a blanket policy against the diner accepting humungous five-foot urns addressed to other people, but I was at the market and Caesar, he apparently didn't know about the policy.
LORELAI: Oh, she is good. Covering all the bases.
LUKE: Who?
LORELAI: And sending it here. Brilliant! Picking away at the people closest to me.
LUKE: Who? Who is this?
LORELAI: Emily Gilmore!
LUKE: You're kidding!
LORELAI: For days she's been emptying her house, sending me everything she doesn't need anymore, trying to smoke me out of my foxhole.
LUKE: Well, call her and tell her to knock it off!
LORELAI: Oh, no! That's exactly what she wants! I poke my head out of the foxhole, it gets blown off! Then I have no head, Luke!
LUKE: There's a giant urn in my diner.
LORELAI: It started small, you know? A clock, a birdcage, some Victorian figurines, an old telescope. That was just the ground w*r. She was softening me up. Now comes the aerial campaign. The carpet b*mb. And I bet she'll b*mb me with actual carpets!
LUKE: Call her.
LORELAI: You mean surrender? Never!
LUKE: If you don't call her, she's just going to keep sending you stuff. Sending me stuff.
LORELAI: She'll run out of stuff.
LUKE: She'll buy more stuff.
LORELAI: She'll run out of money.
LUKE: She's got endless money.
LORELAI: Luke, my mom has a tenth-degree black belt in passive aggression. There is no counter to this move! Which means I am not going to counter.
LUKE: But I can't have a giant urn sitting in my restaurant.
LORELAI: Actually it's more of a vase.
LUKE: I don't care what it is! The thing weighs three hundred pounds. Caesar said it took four guys to bring it in.
LORELAI: You've got to admit, it does kind of spruce up the place.
LUKE: It goes today.
LORELAI: Okay, okay. I'll work on figuring out how to get it out of here.
[She sighs.] You know, I think it's actually one of a matching pair.
RICHARD'S STUDY
[Emily knocking on the open door.]
EMILY: You busy?
RICHARD: Not too.
EMILY: I wanted to let you know Rory had a little talk with me today I thought I'd share with you.
RICHARD: Eh? What about?
EMILY: About Logan. About something you said. It's been handled.
RICHARD: Something I said? When?
EMILY: Don't worry. He's fine, she's fine, they're fine. Very fine. Logan bought her the most beautiful and prestigious handbag in the world.
RICHARD: A handbag?
EMILY: A Birkin bag! I've shown you pictures before, remember? Around my birthday. So sophisticated. Now we know our worries about Shira messing with things were unfounded. They are doing very well.
RICHARD: Yes, yes, that's fine, Emily, but what did I say that caused a problem?
EMILY: Well, you scared the poor boy half to death during that nightcap of yours.
RICHARD: How?
EMILY: Your intentions speech? It was so out of the blue!
RICHARD: My intentions speech? I'm not following. Intentions about what?
EMILY: Really, Richard, you're always a half-step behind.
RICHARD: That's because you tell me things in drips and drabs. What does she think I said?
EMILY: That you basically asked when he was going to propose to her.
RICHARD: I asked him nothing of the sort! We were just chatting. sh**ting the breeze!
EMILY: Well, Logan viewed it as an interrogation about his and Rory's future.
RICHARD: The boy misunderstood! I wasn't talking about their future. I was talking – it was scotch talk. I would never dream of interrogating a man like that. I'll apologize to him the next time I see him! And to Rory.
EMILY: Good.
RICHARD: I mean, that's ridiculous. Those two are way too young to be thinking about marriage. They just met each other.
EMILY: It's been over a year.
RICHARD: It hasn't been a year! They're babies!
EMILY: Babies! Richard, your granddaughter is about to turn twenty-one! If they did get engaged, the ceremony would be next year at the earliest, or the year after. That makes her twenty-three.
RICHARD: And too young!
EMILY: It's the same age I was when we got married. I wasn't too young.
RICHARD: Well, we were different.
EMILY: How?
RICHARD: Because we're us, and Rory's Rory. She has things to do.
EMILY: I don't know why you're so worked up about this. They aren't engaged.
RICHARD: Good.
EMILY: What was your talk with Logan about?
RICHARD: I was just curious about what was going on with Rory. She can be extremely taciturn.
EMILY: What are you so curious about?
RICHARD: The girl spends all her time in that pool house. She's so secretive. Aren't you curious?
EMILY: Richard, if you want to find out what's going on in a girl's life, you most certainly do not talk to her boyfriend. Follow me.
RICHARD: Why? Where are you going?
EMILY: Follow me!
[He gets up and follows her to the pool house.]
RICHARD: Emily! Is she home?
EMILY: No, she's out! I wouldn't burst in here like this if she were home.
RICHARD: We should not be here, this is prowling.
EMILY: We're not prowling, Richard! You can't prowl in your own house. This is called showing concern. [Emily begins to look through drawers.] Now, tell me what we're looking for.
RICHARD: I don't feel good about this. It's usually this point in the John Le Carré novels where things start to go horribly wrong.
EMILY [methodically searching the room]: Oh, don't worry. I used to do this all the time with Lorelai and the things I found. Once I opened the bottom drawer to her dresser and it was chalk full of Tootsie Rolls. Hundreds and hundreds. Practically spilling out. What could a girl possibly want with a drawer full of Tootsie Rolls?
RICHARD: Perhaps it was what was under the Tootsie Rolls, Emily.
EMILY [stops suddenly]: Under the Tootsie Rolls! Oh, my God, I should have looked under the Tootsie Rolls! Oh, that's going to bother me. God knows what she had in there. [Richard peeks in the garbage can.] Let's split up. I'll h*t the bedroom, you finish up in here.
RICHARD: Well, what am I supposed to do?
EMILY: Check the bookcase. They love hiding things behind books.
[Richard shrugs and begins glancing around the books.
EMILY [OS from the bedroom]: My! This room has really come together. But we definitely should have gone with the plantation shutters. Oh, my God! Richard!
RICHARD: What? What's wrong?
EMILY [emerges from the bedroom, reverently holding Rory's purse]: The Birkin bag. All hand-made, and look at those tiny stitches! Oh, does that Logan have taste?
RICHARD: Okay, this is ridiculous! Let's get out of here!
EMILY [sniffing the bag]: Oh, and that smell!
RICHARD [opening the door]: Let's just go.
EMILY: Can't you at least tell me what you were looking to find?
RICHARD: I don't know! It wasn't my idea to break in!
EMILY: Snooping without knowing what you were snooping for? Honestly, Richard.
RICHARD: Let's just go, Emily. Now. And leave that purse!
EMILY: I was going to leave the purse, Richard! [He leaves. She gazes at the purse.] Twenty-one year old girl has a Birkin bag and a grown woman doesn't.
[She goes back into the bedroom, sniffing the purse and sighs longingly.]
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
[Kirk is selling town souvenirs from a miniature gazebo with a sign "Stars Hollow Visitors Centre", he is talking to a family.]
KIRK: I highly recommend the miniature golf, where, coincidentally, I hold the single-round record. The property's got closed circuit, so you can forget about Mulligans.
MAN: Thank you. [They leave.]
KIRK: And don't forget the giant urn at Luke's. The kids will love it. [Lorelai walks up.] Lorelai! Look. I'm sitting in a little gazebo!
LORELAI: I can see that, Kirk.
KIRK: If you look real quick you might think it's the regular sized gazebo and that I'm a giant.
LORELAI: That would be frightening.
KIRK: Have you gotten your free map of historic Stars Hollow yet? Hot off the presses, everyone's enjoying them. [He gives her a town map.]
LORELAI: Maps, huh? I didn't know there were maps.
KIRK: And can I interest you in an historic poncho or Stars Hollow kazoo?
LORELAI: Um, no, you really couldn't. Kirk, the Dragonfly is not on this!
KIRK: Right. As billed, the map only represents historic Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: But the Dragonfly is part of historic Stars Hollow!
KIRK: Correction. Used to be. Before you rejected your historic street name.
LORELAI [angry]: You took me off the map!
KIRK: All cartographical decisions are strictly the province of the director of tourism.
LORELAI: But you and I talked about the street names only this morning! How could the Dragonfly already be off the map?
KIRK: You know the old saying, cross the Don in the morning, sleep with the fishes in the afternoon. Plus Taylor has one of those really fast laser printers.
LORELAI: This is not fair! The Dragonfly is a business in Stars Hollow! This is not right.
KIRK: I wish there was something I could do, but I'm just a messenger. Assistant to the messenger, actually. Taylor's been clear on that. [Lorelai throws up her hands in frustration.] Okay, okay, I shouldn't do this. I'm going to look the other way. [He turns.] Take a button. One only, please.
[Lorelai drops the map back down on the counter and leaves.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai pulls up in the Jeep and walks to the house, there are boxes and other stuff on her front lawn. She hurry's inside to answers the phone.]
LORELAI: Hello?
EMILY I'm turning your bedroom into a gift-wrapping room and I have to get rid of your dollhouse. Do you want it?
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Your dollhouse. It's quite cumbersome and I have absolutely no place to put it.
LORELAI: Um, well, uh, have you checked the basement? Because I'm betting there's oodles of space down there right about now.
EMILY: I'm doing some house cleaning, and I've only sent you things I was going to give you eventually anyway. Now, do you want the dollhouse or not?
LORELAI: Of course I want it!
EMILY: Fine. When will you come pick it up?
LORELAI: Well, when I can.
EMILY: I need you to give me a time, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I don't know! As soon as possible, okay? I'm very busy.
EMILY: Fine. But I can't store it forever. Call me the moment you work out your schedule.
LORELAI: Oh, I will. The very moment. [She hangs up the phone.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Some kids are playing around the giant urn and one is inside it.]
LUKE [shouting]: Hey, you! Get away from the urn.
[He goes back to behind the counter, Lorelai enters and sits down at the counter.]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hi.
LORELAI: Kiss?
LUKE: I'm too mad.
LORELAI: Okay. Wait, why? 'Cause you're lips would be all fiery and it would hurt?
LUKE [annoyed]: Did you know they changed my street name?
LORELAI: Uh, hello, yes, where have you been?
LUKE: I figured I don't have business cards, who cares? But every piece of mail I get I've got to write, change the address. Every piece of mail, because I live upstairs.
LORELAI: I'm aware of that.
LUKE: It's a huge hassle!
LORELAI: I know!
LUKE [holds up a letter]: And, I am in violation of ordinance twenty-two B.
LORELAI: What is ordinance twenty-two B?
LUKE: Kids playing on the urn requires a jungle gym license! As stated in ordinance twenty-two B, a fine has already been levied.
LORELAI: Ah, Taylor?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: So, wait, are you mad at Taylor again?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: Yay!
LUKE: A jungle gym license. If I want kids playing on my urn, no one's going to tell me I need a license! [To the kids now sitting at a table] Hey, you. Go ahead! Play on the urn! [He waves the letter at Lorelai.] This stinks!
LORELAI: Oh my God, I'm so glad you ditched this Zen thing, because tonight at the town meeting, I'm taking it to the people and the people are going to take it to Taylor.
LUKE: Good! Take it to him!
LORELAI: I've got a speech all planned, listing the years of Taylor wrongs. The abuses, the manipulations. And I'm going to get in there and make people understand that they don't have to blindly follow Taylor Doose anymore!
LUKE: Good, do it. They'll follow you, they like you.
LORELAI: They do like me. I'm going to use that.
LUKE: I'd go too, but I'd just end up throwing a bench at him.
LORELAI: There's no need. I'll handle him.
LUKE: You want some coffee?
LORELAI [tilts her head]: I'm beyond coffee.
LUKE: Beyond coffee. This is big.
LORELAI: I'm fuelled by my righteous indignation. I'll fill you in later.
LUKE: I'll be here.
LORELAI: Bye!
[Luke kisses Lorelai on the cheek.]
DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN
[Sookie and Michel are sitting and waiting. Lorelai enters, they both stand.]
SOOKIE: Hey!
MICHEL: How did it go?
LORELAI: It went great! [She gets some coffee.]
SOOKIE: So, come on, tell us, what happened?
LORELAI: Well. Before the town meeting, I stopped by Luke's, right? And he was furious! Taylor slapped him with a jungle gym fine. Smoke was pouring out of his ears. And I told him, don't worry, I am on my way to take Taylor down.
SOOKIE: Ooh, goody.
LORELAI: So, I go to the town meeting, it's already started, right? And I come in the back door with the squeaky track, so everybody knows Lorelai's in the house.
MICHEL: Mm! It's very exciting!
LORELAI: Taylor's up there yammering about septic t*nk, and Patty made her raisin cake, and, you know, everything's just going along, when suddenly Taylor says it's time to break. And I stand up, on the bench, totally Norma Rae, and I write 'Strike' on my town meeting flier, and I hold it up, all defiant!
SOOKIE: Wow!
LORELAI: Of course the Norma Rae reference was only in my head, and everyone was very confused.
MICHEL: Yes, it happens a lot with you.
LORELAI: So I marched up to the front of the room and I looked this town in the eye, and I said: "We, your Dragonfly Inn, are not on the map! We have been tossed off by Taylor jungle-gym-monitoring Doose, and it is not right, and he must be stopped!" And since no one had heard my conversation with Luke, I lost them again for a minute, but I got them back real quickly.
MICHEL: You really need to work on that.
SOOKIE: Let her talk!
LORELAI: Anyhow, I told the town about how I had given them the best years of my life, and we've turned the Dragonfly into a class A, top notch destination inn, and that leaving us off the map was petty and mean-spirited, and just plain bad business!
SOOKIE: Amen! Kiss the ground, the South will rise again!
MICHEL: What happened then?
LORELAI: Then I turned to Taylor, and I said: "Taylor Doose, if you don't put us back on the map, it will be Molly Ringwald giving her underwear to Anthony Michael Hall and he shows it to a roomful of boys who've all paid a dollar to see it."
MICHEL: Oh, come on!
LORELAI: No, that one he got! So he thought for a minute, then he stood up and he said to me: "Lorelai, donate a hundred dollars to the Stars Hollow historical society, and I will let you back on the map and you can keep Third Street."
SOOKIE [eagerly]: One hundred dollars!
MICHEL: That's nothing! What did you say?
LORELAI: I said you've got a deal!
SOOKIE: Oh, my God! [Michel cheerfully laughs.]
LORELAI: And then, he said: "Good girl". And patted me on the head.
SOOKIE: Oh no.
MICHEL: Don't tell me -
LORELAI: We are on Sores and Boils Alley.
MICHEL: We cannot be on Sores and Boils Alley!
LORELAI: Patted me on the head, Michel, like a dog.
MICHEL: It's only a hundred dollars.
SOOKIE: I'll pay the hundred dollars!
LORELAI: You're not paying the hundred dollars!
MICHEL: I'll pay seventy-five dollars!
LORELAI: Nope. No one is paying anything. We are not being extorted. We are the Inn on Sores and Boils Alley. Historical. Proud. [Her cell phone rings.]
MICHEL: Oozing. Festering.
SOOKIE: Draining!
LORELAI: Too many words for the brochure. [Answering the phone as she walks into the dining room.] Hello?
EMILY: Why haven't you come to get the dollhouse yet?
LORELAI: Because I've been working?
EMILY: Well, Goodwill's picking it up at noon tomorrow so if you want it come and get it!
LORELAI: Well, I can't come tomorrow!
EMILY: Well, then, come tonight! We're up until eleven.
LORELAI: No, mom, I'm thirty miles away and I'm busy!
EMILY: Then it's being donated!
LORELAI: You can hold onto it a little while longer!
EMILY: Out of the question. It's taking up space and I can't have it here.
LORELAI: Why does Goodwill have to come at noon?
EMILY: Because that's the appointment I got! It's Goodwill, Lorelai, not Sotheby's!
LORELAI: You know, I can't believe you. You know this dollhouse means a lot to me, and I know it means a lot to you! If you want to be this mean and vindictive, then fine. Give it to Goodwill. Give it away. Light it on f*re. I don't care! [She hangs up the phone.]
RORY'S POOL HOUSE
[Logan knocks on the kitchen window as Rory is makes a sandwich.]
RORY: Logan?
LOGAN: I don't think they saw me. Can you get this open?
RORY [opening the window]: Logan, it's okay. You can use the front door.
LOGAN: No, this is cool. I've got a tree stump I can use as a boost out here. Or you can let down your hair.
RORY: I talked to them.
LOGAN: You did?
RORY: Yeah. It's fine. Come around to the front.
LOGAN: Okay.
RORY: Okay. [Closes the window goes to the door to let Logan in.] You do know that I will be mocking you for a year for trying to climb in my kitchen window.
LOGAN: I just can't face another sit-down.
RORY: No, it was a misunderstanding. I talked to my grandmother and my grandfather. He was not trying to pressure you. He gets that we're young and just started dating, and he's not interested in our being serious.
LOGAN: Really?
RORY: Yeah. He's very sorry about the confusion.
LOGAN: He is.
RORY: He wants to apologize to you himself.
LOGAN: And you're sure about this?
RORY: I double-super swear on my Birkin bag.
LOGAN: Okay, that's good. This cloak and dagger stuff is getting a little tricky if you don't own a dagger and you look funny in a cloak.
RORY: I'm sure you look great in a cloak. So everything's cool?
LOGAN: Everything's cool.
RORY: Good. Logan -
LOGAN: Yeah?
RORY: I love you.
LOGAN: Wow. [Pause.] The lady who sold that purse to me said this was going to happen.
RORY [laughs]: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spring that on you, I just - I wanted to say it, so I said it. But I don't expect anything. Believe me. I was in the position once where someone said that to me, completely out of the blue, and I was completely thrown. So, don't worry. You don't have to respond immediately. I mean, in fact, you don't have to say anything at all.
LOGAN: Look, I've told a lot of girls that I love them before and I didn't mean it. So, I'm not going to do that to you. [Rory frowns.] Boy, that didn't come out right. It was supposed to sound a lot more -
RORY [smiling]: Hey, you don't have to say anything at all.
[Logan kisses Rory.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai is sitting on the bed, Luke is helping sort through the gifts from Emily.]
LUKE: One antique bellows.
LORELAI: Salvation Army.
LUKE: Worn leather, brass studs. Wow, this thing's a real beaut.
LORELAI: Well, either buy it a ring or move on. Next?
LUKE: Dough beater, early sixties. Wow, they don't make 'em like this anymore.
LORELAI: Salvation Army.
LUKE: Mint condition, industrial grade, five quart capacity?
LORELAI: Salvation Army. [The doorbell rings and she gets up.] Oh, my pizza!
LUKE: Oh, there's some sort of card in here. [Reading from the card] Emily and Richard, congratulations on your wedding. Love Aunt Celeste.
LORELAI: Thank you, Aunt Celeste. Love, the Salvation Army.
[Lorelai answers the door.]
RICHARD: Hello, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hey, Dad.
RICHARD: I thought you'd want this. [He moves aside to reveal her dollhouse sitting on the porch.]
LORELAI [taken aback]: Thanks. I do.
RICHARD: And - we need to talk about Rory.
[Lorelai takes a deep breath.]
Episode End | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x06 - Welcome to the Dollhouse"} | foreverdreaming |
Previously on Gilmore Girls. Scenes from the previous episodes.
(OPEN on Lorelai front porch, night right after the last scene in the previous episode. Richard is standing outside with Lorelai's dollhouse and Lorelai walks out on the porch)
LORELAI: What about Rory?
RICHARD: I don't like what I see in that girl.
LORELAI: My eyes?
RICHARD: She's lost focus. She's drifting, aimless. You know she's joined the DAR?
LORELAI: I saw the picture in the paper.
RICHARD: She's running around, planning tea parties like she's the mad hatter. All she talks about are seating charts and canapes and fund-raisers and that boy.
LORELAI: You mean Logan?
RICHARD: She's heading in the wrong direction, and I don't like it. Now, I've thought long and hard about this, and I've come to a decision. We need a plan.
LORELAI: But...(takes a deep breath) We...I had a plan. You changed the plan. Plan's gone, baby.
RICHARD: I don't appreciate your tone.
LORELAI: Apparently the proper tone went out with the plan.
RICHARD: Do you understand what I'm saying? Rory's not headed back to school.
LORELAI: Not yet, anyhow.
RICHARD: Not yet? Not now, not ever. Listen to me for just a moment. We can fix this. First of all, I can change the terms of Rory's trust fund. Currently, she's set to receive it when she turns twenty-five, but I say we tell her it's contingent on her returning to Yale.
LORELAI: Dad...
RICHARD: Or we can use the opposite approach, if you think it's better. Maybe we offer her a car or the down payment on a town house. Or I'll buy her the town house. Don't you see? If there's something in it for her, maybe we can get her to change her mind.
LORELAI: Thank you for the dollhouse, dad. It's greatly appreciated.
RICHARD: I don't believe this. Aren't you listening to me?
LORELAI: Uh, no.
RICHARD: Lorelai, Rory is turning twenty-one years old in ten days. Do you realize that?
LORELAI: Yes, dad, I realize it.
RICHARD: She's twenty-one. That's not a child. Twenty-one-year-olds need to be working towards something.
LORELAI: Rory will figure it out.
RICHARD: Oh, please, she's twenty-one. I couldn't tie my shoe at twenty-one.
LORELAI: Well, Rory's advanced. She had the shoe thing down at three.
RICHARD: I'm getting a little tired...
LORELAI: No, I'm getting a little tired of this conversation. I'm not interested in your plan. I'm not going to bribe my daughter with cars and money, mainly because it wouldn't work, and if you'd ever met Rory, you would know it wouldn't work. Rory can't be bought, and I'm not gonna try and buy her. I want Rory to want to go back to school. She used to love to learn and read and study. And that was freakish, but it was her. And she's got to get herself back there.
RICHARD: But...
LORELAI: No, when Rory wants help, she will ask for it. And the minute she does, I will fly in faster than the gulfstream I'm sure you're gonna offer to buy her next. But until then, I'm sorry, you're on your own.
RICHARD: Impossible girl.
LORELAI: My native American name, I believe. (Richard leaves frustrated)
OPENING CREDITS
(CUT on Lorelai's front porch, same night. Luke is trying to lift the dollhouse as Lorelai stands near by)
LORELAI: Unbelievable. He's unbelievable.
LUKE: He sure is. How did he lift this thing?
LORELAI: Pretending like it's an accident that Rory's still floundering. Nothing's an accident. He caused this. He made this happen.
LUKE: It must weigh a thousand pounds.
LORELAI: That was a low blow, bringing up Rory's birthday like that. "She's turning twenty-one, Lorelai. Did you know that?". (she scoffs) Of course I know that. I was there when she was turning nothing. I know she's turning twenty-one.
LUKE: Does this thing have, like, a real foundation or something?
LORELAI: It's just like my parents, you know, to double-cross me then get mad when I won't help them undo the double cross.
LUKE: Did he have guys with him?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Guys, to help him lift this thing.
LORELAI: No, no guys.
LUKE: No guys? Your dad is Hercules.
LORELAI: We had plans.
LUKE: (grunts as he tries to pick the dollhouse up) What? (Lorelai sits on the porch rail)
LORELAI: We were gonna go to Atlantic City. We were gonna sit at a blackjack table at 11:59, we were gonna order martinis, and we were gonna be playing 21 when she turned twenty-one. (Luke walks over to her) And then hopefully we'd win, and we'd take our winnings and we'd buy 21 things. And then there was a thing about 21 guys that wouldn't really be appropriate anymore since the engagement, but it was a good plan. (Luke starts to play with Lorelai's hair in a comforting way) She probably doesn't even remember the plan.
LUKE: She remembers the plan.
LORELAI: It wasn't like we talked about it every day. It was just something we thought of.
LUKE: She remembers the plan.
LORELAI: I'm hungry. I'm ordering pizza. (they hug and Luke kisses the top of her head) The top comes off. (Lorelai goes in the house)
LUKE: Of course it does.
(CUT to Rory's room, night. Rory is lying in bed sleeping and the clock says the time is 4:03 in the morning. Madeleine Albright walks over and kisses the top of her head. Rory wakes up and Madeleine Albright lies in bed with Rory)
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Happy birthday, little girl.
RORY: Hey.
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: I can't believe how fast you're growing up.
RORY: Really? Feels slow.
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Trust me, it's fast. So, what do you think of your life so far?
RORY: I think it's pretty good.
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Any complaints?
RORY: I'd like that whole humidity thing to go away.
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: I'll work on that.
RORY: So, do I look older?
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Oh, yeah. Walk into Denny's before five, you got yourself a discount.
RORY: Good deal.
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: So, you know what I think?
RORY: What?
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: I think you're a great, cool kid and the best friend a girl could have.
RORY: Back at ya.
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: And it's so hard to believe that, at exactly this time many moons ago, I was lying in exactly the same position.
RORY: Oh, boy, here we go.
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Only I had a fat stomach and huge ankles and I was swearing like a sailor...
RORY: ...on leave.
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: On leave, right. And there I was...
RORY: ...in labour...
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: ...and while there's some who call it the most meaningful experience of their life...
RORY: ...you compare it to something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite.
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Right.
RORY: I wonder if the Waltons ever did this.
(CUT to Rory and Logan in bed, continuous. Rory wakes up - so obviously she was dreaming. Logan wakes up a bit too)
LOGAN: What?
RORY: I just had a dream that Madeleine Albright was my mother.
LOGAN: Hmm. (Logan falls back to sleep. Rory sighs and follows his lead, looking a bit preoccupied)
(CUT to Stars Hollow outside, morning. Lorelai is walking down the street and sees Morey and Babette coming out of the market each of them holding quite a few bags)
LORELAI: Hey, there.
BABETTE: Oh, hi, sugar. Couldn't see you over the bags.
LORELAI: Wow, you got a lot of stuff there. You hunkering down for winter?
BABETTE: Nah, we're getting our supplies for our gallows.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, you're gonna hang Morey again?
MOREY: Do it every year.
LORELAI: You're always the h*t of the neighbourhood.
BABETTE: So, what about you, honey? What are you gonna do?
LORELAI: Oh, you know, the same thing I always do.
BABETTE: (disappointed) Oh. Gonna hang caramel apples from the tree again?
LORELAI: The kids love 'em.
BABETTE: Yeah. They're not that scary.
LORELAI: Well, to a diabetic, they're downright terrifying.
BABETTE: Huh? Okay. Caramel apples.
LORELAI: And I will be handing out candy, which, you know, is the entire point of Halloween.
BABETTE: Sure. Sure, honey. Well, we got a lot to do. We got to go.
MOREY: No rest for the doomed.
BABETTE: See you later. (Babette and Morey start to walk off as Lorelai calls after them)
LORELAI: You know, I-I-I bought a haunted house CD to play in the background. (Babette politely laughs a bit and she and Morey walk away, as Lorelai leaves looking a bit pissed)
(CUT to pool house, evening. Rory and Logan are making out on the couch. Rory breaks the kiss for a bit)
RORY: What time is our reservation?
LOGAN: Now.
RORY: Oh. It's amazing what happens when you can't find your keys.
LOGAN: I think we should order in tonight.
RORY: And the purse is down.
(Rory throws the Birking bag on the floor and the continue smooching. After a bit there is a knock on the door)
RORY: Who is it?
EMILY (OS): Emily Gilmore. (the kids get off the couch and Rory gets the door and lets Emily in)
EMILY: I'm so sorry to bother you, Rory. Hello, Logan.
LOGAN: Hello, Emily.
EMILY: Rory, could you check your closets? The maid hung up your dry cleaning today and I am missing a blouse, and I want to know whether or not to add this to the list of reasons I'm f*ring her.
RORY: Of course. I'll be right back. (she walks off to the bedroom)
EMILY: Thank you, Rory. I'm so exhausted with incompetent people, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like every person I hire immediately gets h*t in the head with a mallet on their way out of the employment office. (quickly and quietly to Logan) Logan, do you have anything special planned for Rory's birthday next week?
LOGAN: Uh...no, no plans.
EMILY: Oh, good. Because I would love to throw her a party here. A 21st birthday is so special. But I didn't want to order twelve pounds of crab legs if you had plans to whisk her off to Santorini.
LOGAN: No whisking plans in the works.
RORY: (walking back out form the bedroom) Sorry, grandma, your blouse isn't in there.
EMILY: Say, Rory, how would you like a birthday party next week?
RORY: Oh, well...
EMILY: It doesn't have to be a big, formal affair. Just something fun with your friends and a few of the DAR ladies, whoever you want.
RORY: Sure, grandma, a party sounds fine.
EMILY: I'll go right in and call the caterers. 21 years old...time flies, doesn't it? All right, you two, back to what you were doing. (Emily walks out and Rory starts to lead Logan back to the couch)
RORY: Hey, grandma says.
LOGAN: So, a 21st birthday. Big event.
RORY: I guess.
LOGAN: Would've been nice if I had known about it.
RORY: Oh, I didn't tell you?
LOGAN: No.
RORY: Oh. I'm just not into birthdays.
LOGAN: You're not into birthdays? You, who wore green head to toe on St.Patrick's day and bunny ears on Easter?
RORY: I have stock in hallmark.
LOGAN: What's up, Ace?
RORY: We should probably call the restaurant if we still want to try and eat there.
LOGAN: Ace.
RORY: I'm just not excited about this particular birthday.
LOGAN: Why not?
RORY: Because I'm turning 21.
LOGAN: Yes...?
RORY: My mom and I have been planning for my 21st birthday since, well, my first memory is kindergarten, but I have a feeling she was talking about it before then. We had this whole big thing planned.
LOGAN: Yeah...?
RORY: We were gonna go to Atlantic City and sit at a blackjack table at 11:59, and we'd be playing 21 when I turned 21. We were gonna drink martinis and win money and go buy 21 things, and there was this thing including 21 guys that would be totally inappropriate now that I'm with you. But it was a pretty big thing, and...and now we're not talking, so it's not gonna happen. I'm just a little bummed. That's all.
LOGAN: I know you miss your mom. The concept's a little hard for me to grasp, but I know you do. (he sits)
RORY: Well, you never got to know her. She can be pretty cool.
LOGAN: Hey, I know. I'll take you to Atlantic City.
RORY: What?
LOGAN: We can still play 21 when you turn 21. We can buy the 21 things. I'd still vote to put the kibosh on that thing with the 21 guys. But other than that, I'm good to go.
RORY: You're sweet, but it's OK. (she sits next to him)
LOGAN: Come on. We'll get a car. 21 cars, if you like.
RORY: No. No, I appreciate the offer a lot, but I'll just have the party and let this birthday pass.
LOGAN: You sure?
RORY: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. And I'm hungry. You ready to go? (she picks the Birkin bag from the floor and stands up. Logan doesn't follow) Where did I put my keys?
LOGAN: Oh, I think I saw them on the couch.
RORY: Here we go again. (she sits next to him again and they start making out again)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion dinning room, morning. Emily and Rory are sitting at the table, with all sorts of pieces of birthday cake, which Rory's trying, flowers, napkins and invitation cards. The seem to be planning the party)
EMILY: (talks as Rory eats on of the cake samples distracted) You know, when I was turning 21, I somehow got it into my head that I simply had to have my invitations trimmed with real pearls. I could not be convinced that it was at all tacky or impractical. I was right, and that was the way it had to be. My mother was beside herself. I never heard so much sighing in my whole life. But in the end, she found me invitations lined with real pearls, and I felt like the most important girl in the world. So, come on, tell me, which ones are your pearl-trimmed invitations? Rory!
RORY: Hmm?
EMILY: You're supposed to try them all.
RORY: What?
EMILY: The cake. Alfonso made us those samples. The least we can do is try them all.
RORY: Oh, OK, sure. (takes a forkful from another cake)
EMILY: Well, I like the lace. Do you like the lace?
RORY: Sure.
EMILY: All right. The lace it is. Now, the food. I think we should go buffet. Much more youthful. And what do you think of sushi? Sushi feels young, doesn't it?
RORY: I certainly hope so. You don't want any old sushi hanging around.
EMILY: Now, we'll have a bar, heaters on the patio to stem the crowd. Oh, do you want a special tray-passed drink, like a sidecar maybe or a gin fizz? I used to love a nice gin fizz. (noticing Rory isn't paying attention) Am I boring you?
RORY: No, the lace is fine.
EMILY: Rory, where is your head today?
RORY: I don't know. I'm sorry.
EMILY: There are a million other little details I need to go over here. Would you like me to just do it myself?
RORY: Um, sure. You've got great taste. I trust you completely.
EMILY: All right. Then the only thing I need from you is a little guidance on the guest list. Now, I have the information for the DAR ladies, of course, and Logan. I have Logan's information. I believe I have the address of your Asian friend.
RORY: Lane.
EMILY: She hasn't moved?
RORY: Not that I know of.
EMILY: All right
RORY: She'll want to bring her boyfriend.
EMILY: Her boyfriend? How wonderful. Rory's Asian friend...
RORY: Lane!
EMILY: ...has a boyfriend. All right. Now, what about Paris? Are you two friends? I never really can tell.
RORY: Paris should be on the list.
EMILY: Then Paris is on the list.
RORY: She'll want to bring her boyfriend, too.
EMILY: My goodness. I guess there's something in the air. All right. I have the Cheevers, your cousins from Bridgeport. Now, do you want me to put your mother on this list?
RORY: Mom?
EMILY: It's completely up to you. I just thought I should ask.
RORY: Yes, put mom on the list.
EMILY: All right. She's on the list.
RORY: And the chocolate praline crunch is the cake.
EMILY: A chocolate praline crunch cake. (wistful) A chocolate praline crunch cake completely covered with pearls. Ah, to be 21 again.
(CUT to outside Lorelai's house, night. Lorelai drives up and gets out of the car. Morey and Babette are prepping for Halloween)
LORELAI: Wow! Looks great, guys.
BABETTE: Yeah, we made it bigger this year. And we added a great new light effect to help Morey's face look more distorted when he drops because, you know, when you really get hanged, your eyeballs sometimes explode and your tongue splits down the middle. It's disgusting. Wanna see?
LORELAI: Uh...
BABETTE: Morey, shake a leg.
MOREY: Okay. (takes his spot and puts his head in the rope) All set.
BABETTE: Okay! b*mb away! (pulls a lever and Morey falls)
LORELAI: OH!
BABETTE: Now, remember, you got to twitch around a lot, make the kids think you're dying real slow and painful.
MOREY: Okay
BABETTE: Now, obviously there'll be some blood sh**ting out and some screams, but you get the picture.
LORELAI: I-I-I do.
MOREY: (twitching around a bit, obviously uncomfortable) Babette? Tight, babe.
LORELAI: Do you need help, Babette?
BABETTE: Oh, no. As soon as he passes out, his muscles relax and I can slide him right out. We'll be good.
LORELAI: Okay. See you guys later. (walks off to the house)
(CUT to Lorelai's house inside, continuous. Lorelai comes in and makes her way to the kitchen, where Luke is cooking)
LORELAI: Luke, are you here?
LUKE: In the kitchen.
LORELAI: Where's Paul Anka? He didn't meet me at the door.
LUKE: Peas scare him.
LORELAI: Really? Huh. Peas? (puts down her purse, takes off her coat and looks at a list on the fridge) Cooked or raw?
LUKE: Doesn't seem pleased with either form.
LORELAI: Okay, peas are out. (writes something - peas - on the list) What smells so good?
LUKE: Fried chicken.
LORELAI: Luke, will you marry me?
LUKE: Set the table?
LORELAI: Okay, first, I have some very exciting news to tell you.
LUKE: sh**t! (Lorelai starts to take things out to lay the table)
LORELAI: This year, I have decided do a whole new thing for Halloween.
LUKE: You're not gonna hang the caramel apples again?
LORELAI: Caramel apples aren't scary.
LUKE: Well, what's scary is you opening your house up to a mob of insane, sugar-laced kids wearing masks that conviently hide any identifying features.
LORELAI: I have decided to do something totally different, and I'm gonna need your help.
LUKE: Sure.
LORELAI: Okay. I want to do a skit.
LUKE: Skit?
LORELAI: Yes, I want to be a mad scientist. I'm gonna come out in a blood-stained white lab coat and freaky makeup and big, giant, Don King kind of hairdo, and I'm going to turn the whole front yard into my laboratory.
LUKE: Wow.
LORELAI: Yes, I'm gonna have a huge electric chair and an operating table and test tubes and wires.
LUKE: Sounds elaborate.
LORELAI: But you haven't heard the half of it, okay? And so I come out and I do mad scientist "banter", like, "Hey, who here is from Bellevue?" and "'Girl Interrupted'? Now that's my idea of a feel-good movie". I'll work on it. But anyway, after that, I'm gonna drag you out.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: You're strapped in an electric chair, and I'm gonna throw the switch and totally electrocute you. And you're flailing around. We'll rig something where smoke and sparks sh**t out of your nose. And then once you're d*ad, I'll throw you onto the operating table and I'll cut you open, and I pull link sausages out of you and throw them into the crowd.
LUKE: That's it?
LORELAI: Well, I mean, we can take a bow or something, but, yeah, that's it.
LUKE: Okay. Uh, just a couple of questions here. Once you've electrocuted me, and I'm d*ad, um, how exactly do I get to the operating table?
LORELAI: huh. Good question. Maybe I can position the operating table like right near the electric chair so I can just flop you over onto it after you die.
LUKE: Okay, let's say we work that out. Now I'm on the table. You're gonna cut me open with what?
LORELAI: A big, rusty saw.
LUKE: And then you're gonna pull link sausages out of me.
LORELAI: Real slow and creepy like.
LUKE: Okay, great. Last question. Uh, what are the odds of you getting me to do a skit where you electrocute me, cut me open, and pull link sausages out of me? 'Cause I'm thinking they're right up there with Pia Zadora making a big comeback.
LORELAI: Oh, come on. This will be fun.
LUKE: No way, not happening.
LORELAI: But this is our first Halloween together as a full-blown, committed, soon-to-be-married couple. We need to start our own traditions.
LUKE: Tell you what. I'll build you the chair, help with the test tubes, and then I'm done.
LORELAI: But you would be so scary with smoke coming out of your nose. I really want to see that.
LUKE: Well, we're gonna be together the rest of our lives, so odds are you will.
LORELAI: Luke!
LUKE: Chicken's burning. I got to concentrate. Why don't you go find your psychotic dog, and I'll set the table?
LORELAI: Okay, but this discussion is not over. (walks over to the fridge and takes out some raw broccoli) Here, Paul Anka. Mommy's got your broccoli. (walks out of the kitchen to find PA)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion driveway, night. Logan's car pulls up. We CUT in the car. Logan is dropping Rory off)
LOGAN: Out.
RORY: Oh, come on.
LOGAN: b*at it!
RORY: I can't believe you're not gonna come in.
LOGAN: I told you I'm meeting my father at 7:30 in the morning in New York.
RORY: I loved the dinner tonight.
LOGAN: I'm glad.
RORY: I've never had Sri Lankan food before.
LOGAN: I thought you'd like it.
RORY: And I appreciate you lying to me and answering "chicken" every time I asked you what I was eating.
LOGAN: Well, fifteen courses. One of them was bound to be chicken.
RORY: And that dessert.
LOGAN: Do you really think you can keep talking long enough that I forget I can't come in?
RORY: Well, I've seen my mom do it before. I thought maybe it was a family trait. (Logan leans over her and they kiss) Just for an hour.
LOGAN: No. (Rory leans in a gain and kisses him)
RORY: Half an hour?
LOGAN: No.
RORY: Fifteen minutes?
LOGAN: No.
RORY: Okay, an hour.
LOGAN: You're getting better at this. (they start making out and then someone - Richard knocks on Logan's window. They break the kiss quickly and pull away from each other)
RORY: Ow, you bit my lip. (Logan lowers his window)
RICHARD: I didn't mean to startle you two. I heard a noise out here and just came to check it out. Everything all right?
LOGAN: Everything is fine Richard, I was just dropping Rory off.
RORY: Hi, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Hello, Rory. Well, I'll just say good night, then.
RORY: Good night, Grandpa.
LOGAN: Good night, Richard. (Richard smiles and leaves)
(CUT to inside Gilmore mansion, continuous. Emily is looking at a catalogue as Richard comes in)
EMILY: Was it the Mortigans' Dalmatian trying to mate with our lion statues again?
RICHARD: No, it was not the Mortigans' Dalmatian. It was Rory and Logan. (he sots opposite her)
EMILY: How natural selection hasn't wiped out dogs like that, I'll never know. Rory and Logan?
RICHARD: It was Rory and Logan. They just came home. Logan was dropping Rory off.
EMILY: Well, that's nice. Oh, look at this bedroom set. Richard, you would love these pillows.
RICHARD: Seems I interrupted their goodbyes.
EMILY: Oh, Richard, now they're going to think we were spying on them. This settee is lovely, also.
RICHARD: They were engaged in a round of serious necking.
EMILY: What do you mean?
RICHARD: You know exactly what I mean.
EMILY: You know, Richard, Rory's growing up.
RICHARD: Mm-hmm.
EMILY: She's turning 21 next week.
RICHARD: Oh. Is that what the flotilla of party planners outside our door was about?
EMILY: Logan is certainly a very experienced young man.
RICHARD: Man of the world, Emily, man of the world.
EMILY: You know, Richard, it might be that time.
RICHARD: What time?
EMILY: She might be getting ready to have relations with that boy.
RICHARD: Oh, Emily, please. Have you seen the size of that sports car of his? There's no room to cross your legs, much less anything else.
EMILY: The car is not the only place they're getting affectionate, Richard. I walked in on them the other day in the pool house. They were very cozy on the couch, and they certainly weren't looking for her keys.
RICHARD: Do you really think?
EMILY: I really think.
RICHARD: Oh, we have to do something. If she's getting ready to take that step, we have to do something.
EMILY: I couldn't agree more.
RICHARD: Tomorrow.
EMILY: Tomorrow. I am in love with this bedroom set.
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, morning. Sookie and Lorelai are looking at sausages)
SOOKIE: Okay! So...what kind of link sausage would you like to pull out of Luke?
LORELAI: I'm not sure. Nothing too wimpy. Luke's a big guy, so he needs big-guy sausage.
SOOKIE: Don't we all.
LORELAI: Don't make my man's sausage dirty.
SOOKIE: Well, you could go kielbasa. That's a big-guy sausage.
LORELAI: I guess. Technically, Luke hasn't agreed to let me pull anything out of him.
SOOKIE: Small detail.
LORELAI: Minuscule roadblock.
SOOKIE: Well, personally, I love the Louisiana sweet sausage 'cause it has the nicest flavour. A little bite, but not too overwhelming.
LORELAI: But, I'm not gonna eat the sausage. I'm going to pull it out of Luke. (an Dragonfly employee comes in the kitchen holding an envelope)
RON: Mail just came.
LORELAI: Oh, thanks, Ron.
SOOKIE: Well, if you're just going by looks, I'd go Cajun because it's red. (they both chuckle as Lorelai opens the envelope - Rory's party invitation) What's the matter?
LORELAI: Nothing.
SOOKIE: It's not nothing.
LORELAI: It's an invitation to Rory Gilmore's 21st birthday party.
SOOKIE: Wow, look at all that lace. Man, that's a pretty invitation.
LORELAI: Sure is.
SOOKIE: Are you going to go?
LORELAI: This isn't from Rory. This is from my Dad via my Mom.
SOOKIE: It is?
LORELAI: Oh, yes. It's just my Dad trying to manipulate me and get me involved in a plan to manipulate Rory.
SOOKIE: But you had a plan.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: Boy, they are determined.
LORELAI: Determined, demented, de-lovely.
SOOKIE: I can't believe Rory's turning 21. It seems like just yesterday she was crying because you told her Charlotte Bronte couldn't come to her sleepover because she's d*ad.
LORELAI: I'm gonna go check the reservation book.
SOOKIE: Too much Rory talk.
LORELAI: Oh, just a tad. It's making me bummed, so...
SOOKIE: We could go back to our sausage talk.
LORELAI: Maybe later. (Lorelai exits the kitchen)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion, night. Emily is serving drinks as Rory comes in from the patio and walk up to Emily)
RORY: Oh, my god, it smells good in here.
EMILY; Well, I see someone got our dinner invitation.
RORY: Yes, I did, and thank you. It's been weeks since I've had anything that hasn't been supersized for dinner.
EMILY: Well, you've been so busy lately, I had to resort to pot roast and mashed potatoes to get you here.
RORY: Pot roast and mashed potatoes?
EMILY: With baby carrots, parker house rolls, and ice cream sundaes for dessert.
RORY: Wow. Am I dying?
EMILY: Would you grab that bottle of wine? (walks off with two drinks in her hand)
RORY: Sure. (grabs the wine and follows Emily)
(CUT to dinning room, continuous. Emily and Rory enter. Richard is seated at the table, but he's not alone. A man - Rev.Boatwright - is with him)
RICHARD: Rory, how lovely that you could join us. Do you know the Reverend Boatwright?
RORY: Uh, no.
EMILY: Oh, I can't believe that. Reverend Boatwright has been our minister for years. By now he's more of a friend than a minister.
RORY: Well, it's nice to meet you, Reverend Boatwright.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Well, it's nice to meet you, too, Rory. I hear pot roast is your favourite, too.
RORY: Yes, it is.
EMILY: (as she takes her seat) Rory, sit, sit. (Rory sits) It's amazing. All the wonderful foods in this world, the greatest chefs with the most exotic ingredients, and yet this girl still wants pot roast. Roll, reverend?
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Well, thank you. Don't mind if I do.
EMILY: Hmm. I wonder where that salad is. Will you excuse me? I'll be right back. (gets up and exits the dinning room)
RICHARD: You know, Emily ordered some of that wonderful Irish butter. You haven't tasted rolls until you've had them with Irish butter. I'll be right back. (gets up and exits the dinning room)
RORY: And then there were two.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Your grandparents have told me a lot about you, Rory.
RORY: Oh, yeah?
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: They're very proud of you, you know.
RORY: Well, then it's a mutual admiration society.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: You have a birthday coming up next week?
RORY: Twenty first.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Must be wonderful being a young woman, just turning 21. The world is out there, just waiting to be conquered.
RORY: I guess so.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: I hear you have a boyfriend.
RORY: Yes.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Ah, young love. It can be so exhilarating, so intense. All those feelings rushing around inside of you. I remember being young and having all those crazy feelings.
RORY: Oh, yeah?
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Oh, yes. You know, Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift, a precious gift. Possibly the most precious gift you possess.
RORY: (looking the way Emily and Richard went off) Uh-huh.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: You want to give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can give to only one man. Once you give it, it's gone. You can't re-gift it. If you give it away too soon to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give. You'll have to buy him a sweater. Do you understand what I'm saying?
RORY: No.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Think long and hard about when and to whom you want to give the ultimate gift you have to give away.
RORY: Oh.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Yes.
RORY: Oh, dear.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Oh, dear, indeed.
RORY: Um...well, (chuckles a bit uncomfortably) listen, Reverend. I really appreciate you taking the time out of what I assume is a busy day to come here and talk to me about...all of this, but, um, I'm afraid the ultimate-gift ship has sailed.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: What?
RORY: A while ago. It's probably in Fiji by now.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Oh.
RORY: Yeah.
Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Well...
RORY: So, have you seen "The 40-year-old Virgin"? 'Cause you might like it.
(CUT to outside of the pool house, morning. Rory is walking up to the pool house after her community service, takes out her keys and unlocks the door, but has trouble opening it. When she manages, she sees that inside the place id full of stuff. She looks around stunned and then runs off)
(CUT to inside mansion continuous. People are prepping up the house for the party. Emily talking to the planner - Claire - as Rory comes in)
EMILY: Well, it can't go next to the sushi, so I guess the cake will have to go in there. Maybe in the corner?
CLAIRE: Sounds good
RORY: Grandma.
EMILY: Oh, Rory, good. Do you think we should have a carving station in case some people find sushi unappealing, or will the passed hors d'oeuvres be enough?
RORY: Either way.
EMILY: "Either way" is not an opinion Rory, just for future reference. (at Claire) Let's have a carving station. Just beef, no turkey.
RORY: What happened to the pool house?
EMILY: What do you mean?
RORY: It's full of stuff.
EMILY: Oh, yes, the rentals. I had absolutely nowhere to put them. They said it might rain tonight, and we couldn't leave them outside, so I just put them in the pool house.
RORY: But I live in the pool house. What am I supposed to do?
EMILY: Oh, I packed up your things and put them in your old room upstairs.
RORY: Upstairs?
EMILY: Uh-huh. The room right next to ours. We can knock secret-code messages to each other at night, like we're in camp. (notices something in the other room and yells at someone) No, I didn't tell you to put that there. You're fired.
RORY: Grandma, has mom RSVP'ed?
EMILY: I don't know, Rory. Check the list. (as Rory checks the list Emily talk to the worker she was previously fired) Yes, out now, please. Thank you.
RORY: The list says no.
EMILY: Then I guess the answer's "no".
RORY: Well, that's just wrong. When an invitations says "RSVP", you RSVP. That's what you do. It's not rocket science.
EMILY: Maybe she's still coming.
RORY: But how do we know? If she doesn't call, how will we know whether or not to make an extra chocolate box, huh? If she doesn't call, she won't have a chocolate box.
EMILY: We can make an extra chocolate box, Rory.
RORY: No. Why should we make an extra chocolate box? I mean, we're paying for these things. Chocolate boxes do not just grow on trees. They are made. They're made by these hardworking people right here, and it is not right to make these people spend hours making extra chocolate boxes because people are too lazy to make a stupid phone call! (exits very upset)
EMILY: Rory!
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Lorelai is sitting at the counter, putting LOTS of whipped cream on a pancake. Luke is behind the counter watching her)
LUKE: You're gonna be sick.
LORELAI: No.
LUKE: It's already loaded with chocolate chips. That's candy, and you're adding whipped cream. That's more candy.
LORELAI: Got any jelly beans?
LUKE: I'm gonna be sick. (the telephone rings)
LORELAI: Oh, and a cherry. (Luke answers the phone)
LUKE: Luke's.
RORY (on the phone): Luke, is my mother there?
LUKE: Rory?
LORELAI: Rory?
(CUT to Gilmore mansion patio. Rory is on the phone. The scene cuts between Luke and Lorelai in the dinner and Rory at the patio)
RORY: Yes, it's Rory. Is my mother there?
LORELAI: That's Rory?
LUKE: I'll give her to you.
LORELAI: To me? That's Rory for me?
RORY: No! I just want to know if she's coming to my birthday party.
LUKE: She wants to know if you're coming to her birthday party.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: We're making the chocolate boxes right now, and I need to know if she's coming so I know whether or not to make her one.
LUKE: They're making the chocolate boxes right now, and she needs to know if you're coming so they can make you one.
LORELAI: I didn't know I was invited.
RORY: I sent her an invitation! Where the hell did she think it came from?! The invitation fairy!?
LUKE: She said she sent you an invitation.
LORELAI: I didn't know it was from her. (a bit louder and closer to the phone, Luke holds the phone up for her) I didn't know it was from you!
RORY: Well, it was. Is she coming or not?
LUKE: Are you coming or not?
LORELAI: Yes, I-I'm coming. I want a chocolate box.
LUKE: She'll be there.
RORY: Fine. Bye. (hangs up)
LORELAI: Rory called.
LUKE: I know. She called and yelled at me.
LORELAI: No, she called and yelled at me.
LUKE: Yeah, but I'm the one who had to hear it, and she was loud. And she said "hell". I never heard her say "hell". I didn't even know she knew how to say "hell". She was mad and she yelled and she said "hell".
LORELAI: Yeah, but she called.
(CUT to Rory's bedroom, night. It's 4:03 am on Rory's birthday, and Rory is awake looking sadly at her clock)
(CUT to Lorelai's bed, night. It's 4:03 am on Rory's birthday, and Lorelai is awake looking sadly at her clock)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion, night of the party. Waiters are prepping up the house for the party, there are a few guests. Emily is walking around inspecting things)
EMILY: Keep those fans going. I don't want the whole house to smell of raw fish. Disgusting food. (welcoming two guests) Shelby, Martin, how wonderful that you've come.
SHELBY: We're a bit early, I'm afraid.
EMILY: Nonsense. Have a "rory". We'll chat later. (as she walks away from them) Tacky, horrid people. Why not just show up the night before with a sleeping bag? (as the doorbell rings Emily gives some instructions to the maid) May-May, you've got to get it down to a 1-bell answer. Bell rings once, door opens. Please help me on this. Mr. Gilmore is not here yet, and therefore I have no one to help me with the guests or the party. So, just make sure you get the door after one bell. (the doorbell rings) That's two bells. (as it rings again, Emily starts getting mad) That's three bells! (the maid quickly opens the door) Well, hello, Glory. Come in, come in. (the gusts come in and Emily notices as Rory comes down from upstairs and walks up to her) Rory, you look wonderful. That dress is to die for.
RORY: Well, it's the one you laid out on the bed, so I assumed I was supposed to put it on.
EMILY: Well, it's perfect. So, how does it look?
RORY: Fine.
EMILY: I'll never forgive myself for being talked into votives, but that's what you get for taking calls at cocktail hour. Have you tried your drink?
RORY: My what? (Emily snaps her fingers and waiter comes up with a tray)
EMILY: Your signature drink. (takes a martini glass filled with a pink drink from the tray and offers it to Rory) I had the bartender concoct it for you. It's called "rory". It's got champagne, vodka, pineapple juice, and grenadine. Have one. You're old enough now.
RORY: Maybe later. Empty stomach.
EMILY: Well, there's plenty to eat, so that can be remedied.
RORY: Where's Grandpa?
EMILY: He'll be here soon. (Logan walks up to them)
LOGAN: Well, there they are. The two most lovely ladies in the room.
EMILY: (rather coldly) Hello, Logan. I have to check on your cake. (walks away)
LOGAN: Huh. Is it me or could the penguins march through here?
RORY: She's probably mad because she found out we're having sex.
LOGAN: She what?
RORY: She found out we're having sex.
LOGAN: How the hell did she find that out?
RORY: I told her minister.
LOGAN: But-but why would you do that?
RORY: Because he was going on and on about my virtue being a gift. And now you have it, so I'm gonna have to buy the next guy a sweater. I just wanted him to stop.
LOGAN: And all this without a drink in my hand.
RORY: Come on. Let's get you a "rory". (they start walking towards the bar)
LOGAN: Ohh, dealing with this family is stressful.
RORY: Oh! (chuckles) Tell me about it. And once you've had that drink, I can tell you how I've been moved out of the pool house and into a room right next to my grandparents. So from now on, we'll have to have sex in our invisible suits. (at the bartender) Two rories, please.
LOGAN: Does your grandfather know, also?
RORY: Oh, yeah.
LOGAN: (at bartender) Make it four.
LANE: (comes in dragging Zack behind her) Rory!
RORY: You came!
LANE: Of course I came. I wouldn't miss your 21st birthday. (they hug)
RORY: Oh, I'm glad. Hey, Zack, thanks for coming.
ZACK: Sure, no problem. There's food, right?
RORY: Oh, plenty of food. Lane, I want you to meet Logan. Logan, this is my best friend, Lane.
LOGAN: Hey, nice to finally meet you. (they shake hands)
LANE: Nice to finally meet you, too. (Lane mouths to Rory "He's cute" and Rory responds "I know") And this is my boyfriend, Zack.
LOGAN: (offers Zack a handshake) How you doing?
ZACK: What? (sees his hand and they shake) Oh, I'm hanging in there.
LOGAN: You guys want a drink?
ZACK: Well, I'm not sharing, so make it two drinks. (Logan turns over to the bar to order)
LANE: Wow, this house is amazing. I've never been here before.
RORY: I'll give you a tour.
BARTENDER: Two rories. Extra cherries for the lady.
LANE: Oh, my god, you have your own drink. (Rory give Lane a rory)
RORY: Wait till you see the bathroom. The guest soap has my face on it. (the girls walk off ahead as Logan gives Zack a rory)
ZACK: So, you're, like, rich, huh?
LOGAN: Uh... (the boys follow the girls)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion driveway, night of the party. Luke and Lorelai are walking up to the house. Lorelai is holding a present)
LUKE: This might be my least favourite door in the world to knock on.
LORELAI: What about death's door?
LUKE: The reception on the other side might be warmer. (Lorelai nods a bit. As Luke is about to knock on the door it opens)
LORELAI: Well, at least you didn't have to knock.
LUKE: Ready?
LORELAI: I was born ready.
(they enter the house)
LUKE: Ah, nice, low-key affair.
LORELAI: Okay, we're in and the gift's on the gift pile (puts the present on the gift pile) and, um, oh (looks around), yes. (takes two rories from a passing tray and gives one to Luke) Cheers. Okay, there. Checking things off the list. We should probably move deeper into the house now.
LUKE: What is this?
LORELAI: Do you see Rory?
LUKE: Not yet.
LORELAI: Boy, big turnout.
LUKE: Yeah. Maybe if we're lucky and we keep moving around, we can avoid...
EMILY: Lorelai, you came. You're here. There's a chocolate box for you in the hallway.
LORELAI: Thank you, mom.
EMILY: Hello, Luke. I didn't know you were coming. I don't have a chocolate box for you. You'll have to share with Lorelai.
LORELAI: Fat chance. Mom buys really good chocolate.
EMILY: I see you have a rory.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
EMILY: Your drink. It's called a rory. What's the matter, Luke, you don't like your rory?
LUKE: Oh, no, It's-it's great. It's a little pink, you know.
EMILY: Well, Rory's a girl. Girls like pink.
LUKE: I know. I was just saying.
EMILY: No one's asking you to wear it. It's not a skirt.
LUKE: I know. I just...
LORELAI: Drink the drink. (Luke drinks)
EMILY: Well, nice of you two to come. I have some things to check on. We'll catch up later. Excuse me. (walks away)
LUKE: (disgusted) Ohh, it tasted pink.
LORELAI: She's gone. (they start walking through the house)
LUKE: I mean, like, really tasted really pink, like pink pink. Yech!
LORELAI: Come on, let's get something to eat.
LUKE: God, that's terrible. It's like drinking a "My Little Pony". (they walk off)
(CUT to Rory greeting some people. She spots Paris and Doyle and walks over to say "hi")
RORY: Hey, I'm glad you guys came.
PARIS: We had to stop and eat first in case the food here sucked.
DOYLE: Happy birthday, Rory.
PARIS: Yeah, listen, we have really big news.
RORY: Thanks Doyle. What Paris?
PARIS: You tell her.
DOYLE: Okay.
PARIS: But do it fast and don't embellish.
DOYLE: As you know, I'm a senior, and my reign as editor of the Yale Daily News is officially up at the end of the year and I'm stepping down. I'm going back to writing full-time.
RORY: Wow.
DOYLE: I'm gonna be writing a column in the Daily News called "The World According to Doyle".
RORY: I can't imagine The Daily News without you as editor.
PARIS: Yeah. It's going to be weird. Ask who the new editor is.
RORY: Oh! Who's the new editor going to be?
PARIS: Me.
RORY: You? (a bit taken aback)
PARIS: That's right. Paris Geller is the new editor of the Yale Daily News. I was worried about the intimidation factor, 'cause people tend to be afraid of me, but I campaigned hard and really worked the "my parents left me broke" angle, got a little sympathy vote, and the next thing I know, I am the man.
DOYLE: My woman is the man. (Rory looks around a bit uncomfortable)
PARIS: I mean, it's so incredible. Last year, I was sleeping with the editor.
DOYLE: And this year, I am.
PARIS: I can't wait. The changes I'm going to make.
DOYLE: Hold on to your hats, people. (Rory notices as Lorelai and Luke walk up to the kids)
PARIS: I'm going to crack that whip, raise that bar. The last person that ran the shop was too busy ironing his petticoat to put out a decent paper.
DOYLE: That's about to change.
PARIS: You know it is.
LORELAI: Hey, everyone. Hey, Paris.
PARIS: Hey, Lorelai. You remember my boyfriend, Doyle?
LORELAI: Good to see you. This is Luke.
PARIS: Nice to meet you, Luke.
LUKE: We actually met about two or three weeks ago...
PARIS: This is my boyfriend, Doyle.
DOYLE: It's nice to meet you.
LUKE: Yeah, it's nice to meet you, too.
LORELAI: Hey, birthday girl.
RORY: Hey.
PARIS: We were just talking about the big news.
LORELAI: (excited) What's the big news?
PARIS: I'm the new editor of the Yale Daily News.
LORELAI: (glances at Rory with a concerned look) Wow. Congratulations, Paris.
PARIS: Yeah. Last year I was sleeping with the editor.
DOYLE: And this year, I am.
RORY: (still a bit uncomfortable) Um...I have to go say hello to some people, so I'll catch up with you guys later. Have some food. There's tons of food.
PARIS: That doesn't mean I'm not gonna crack that whip on you too Doyle. (Rory leaves and Lorelai looks after her a bit worried)
(CUT to patio, later during the party. Luke and Lorelai are having some food)
LUKE: What's this?
LORELAI: You know they shouldn't be allowed to put just anything into a martini glass. Martinis should go into a martini glass. Gin martinis, vodka martinis, period. That's it.
LUKE: Do you know what this is?
LORELAI: It's raw fish, Luke. Dip it in soy sauce and swallow it real quick. We were gonna drink martinis. The Rat Pack drank martinis. James Bond drank martinis. You know, it's the sweet drinks that really k*ll you. It's the sugar that give you the hangover and makes you throw up.
LUKE: Yeah, 'cause no one's ever thrown up from a martini before. (puts the sushi in his mouth)
LORELAI: You seen my father?
LUKE: (chewing) Nope.
LORELAI: Wonder where he's hiding.
LUKE: Okay, I got the red piece down.
LORELAI: "Hello, 'page six'? Have I got a scoop for you". (two DAR ladies walk up to them)
VIVIAN: Excuse me, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Uh, yeah?
VIVIAN: Hi, I'm Vivian Lewis, and this is Catherine Thurston Moore. We're friends of Rory's from the DAR.
LORELAI: Oh, friends of Rory's. Wow. I didn't realize she ran with the bad girls. (the ladies laugh)
VIVIAN: We just wanted to tell you we love Rory.
CATHERINE: She introduced us to buffalo wings and jalapeno poppers, and for that we will be eternally grateful.
LUKE: What's the DAR? (the ladies laugh again, Luke looks at Lorelai quizzically, and she smiles) I'm gonna get a beer. Anyone want anything?
LORELAI: I'm good.
LUKE: Okay, I'll be back. (as he walks off inside the camera pans on Paris and Doyle saying their story...again)
PARIS: Last year I was sleeping with the editor.
DOYLE: (after a long pause) Now I am. (their companions laugh)
PARIS: Come in a little quicker next time.
(CUT to inside. Rory is with a group of ladies, but notices Luke and walks up to him)
RORY: (at ladies) Oh, excuse me. (at Luke) Hey, little tip: We have beer here.
LUKE: Oh, the magic words. I was just heading over to the bar.
RORY: Have you tried a rory yet?
LUKE: Yes, I have. Not my kind of drink.
RORY: Yeah, mine, either.
LUKE: Lorelai will be glad to hear it. So, you two haven't talked yet.
RORY: Nope, not yet.
LUKE: Well, it was nice of you to invite her here. It means a lot.
RORY: I'm glad she came. I'm glad you both came.
LUKE: Oh, uh, here. I've got something for you. (looks in his pockets, takes out a jewellery gift box and hands it over to her) Birthday present.
RORY: Really?
LUKE: Yeah, I brought it just in case your mother didn't bring one, but she did. It's the one on top of your present mountain over there. But since I already had it in my pocket, I just figured...(Rory opens it and looks at it touched)
RORY: Luke.
LUKE: It was my mother's. Liz can't wear it 'cause her neck's too fat, but your neck looks, you know, not fat. It was sitting around in my drawer, so I thought, "hey, give it to Rory". You know you're lucky 'cause Caesar's birthday is next month and I know he likes pearls, so...
RORY: (chuckles a bit) Thank you.
LUKE: You're welcome. (they hug. A lady - Tweeny - from the group Rory was previously talking to walks over to them)
TWEENY: I saw a jewellery box and I couldn't help myself. What did you get? (Rory shows off her gift) Oh, it's fantastic.
RORY: It's from Luke, my stepfather-to-be. (Luke is pleasantly taken aback)
TWEENY: Well, you have exquisite taste, Luke. I'm Tweeny Halpern.
RORY: Tweeny works with me at the DAR.
LUKE: What's the DAR? (Tweeny laughs) I'm k*lling with that line tonight.
(CUT to patio outside. Emily walks up to Lorelai)
EMILY: Well, how's the party going so far?
LORELAI: Seems to be a big h*t.
EMILY: Where's Luke? I hope he didn't get lost somewhere.
LORELAI: Oh, no, I'm sure he's just sizing up how much silver he can stuff into his pockets without it making too much of a bulge.
EMILY: I was not insinuating that he was a thief.
LORELAI: Ah.
EMILY: I was just making small, polite talk. That's what you do at parties. My commenting on his getting lost was in no way a swipe.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I forgot. Luke went to get a beer. Take it. (Emily notices Lorelai's ring) Come on, Mom, it's all about timing. You know that. What are you...(realises what Emily is looking at)
EMILY: well, it seems congratulations are in order.
LORELAI: Well, that wasn't exactly congratulations, but, sure, close enough. (Claire comes to Emily)
CLAIRE: Excuse me, Mrs.Gilmore, but we really should cut the cake now.
EMILY: Have you seen Mr.Gilmore yet?
CLAIRE: No, I haven't.
EMILY: Of course not. He's going to sit all night long in that office of his, moping and sulking, missing his granddaughter's birthday party, and he's going to leave me out here all alone to host it. Fine. Come on, Claire. (Emily and Claire walk off, and Lorelai looks with concern towards the house and starts to make her way inside)
(CUT to Richard's study. There is a knock on the door and Lorelai enters. Richard is sitting in one of the armchairs drinking scotch and sulking)
LORELAI: Hello? Dad? You're missing a crazy party out there. You know someone forgot to cook the fish? Boy, is Mom gonna be mad.
RICHARD: Go away, Lorelai.
LORELAI: What's wrong, Dad?
RICHARD: You know what's wrong. Rory's wrong. It's all wrong. She's not going back to Yale. It's my fault. (Lorelai sits opposite him)
LORELAI: Rory made a choice, Dad.
RICHARD: I could've stopped her, and I didn't. I cleared the path for her to walk away from her goal, her life.
LORELAI: Dad...
RICHARD: She's having sex, Lorelai. She's having sex under my roof. I paid 40,000 dollars to redecorate her sex house. I bought her her sex mattress, her sex box springs. I provided everything she needs to waste her life.
LORELAI: Dad, Rory having sex is not your fault, really. She was having sex way before the big renovation.
RICHARD: I feel so much better now.
LORELAI: I'm sorry. I-I wasn't trying to...
RICHARD: I made a terrible, terrible mistake.
LORELAI: No, Dad, listen...(Emily walks in rather upset)
EMILY: Richard, you come out of here right now and make an appearance at this party.
RICHARD: I don't give a damn about the party, Emily.
EMILY: What is going on with you? You've been holed up in here for two days. Is it work?
LORELAI: It's Rory.
EMILY: What about Rory?
RICHARD: What do you mean, "What about Rory"? We've lost her.
EMILY: What are you talking about? I got her out of the pool house.
RICHARD: For a day. For two days, and then those rentals go back.
EMILY: Fine, then I'll have the place fumigated. That'll take a week. Then I'll have the place checked for mold. That'll be two weeks. Then I'll find rats. Then there will be carbon monoxide leaks, and pluming issues and if I have to, I'll tear the damn place down. In the meantime, she's here where we can watch her.
RICHARD: That doesn't matter, Emily. We have lost her.
EMILY: No!
RICHARD: We've failed.
EMILY: No! We have not failed. We have not failed until that girl comes home pregnant. Then we've failed!
LORELAI: And on that note...(Lorelai gets up and walks out of the study)
EMILY: Richard, I don't understand what's happening. Everything's been fine except the sex issue.
RICHARD: Everything hasn't been fine. (frustrated gets up and starts pacing) The minute we went against Lorelai, we lost.
EMILY: You're acting like this is my fault. Going against Lorelai was your idea. I was perfectly ready to go ahead with the plan that the three of us devised.
RICHARD: Running around with Logan, joining the DAR, planning parties.
EMILY: What's wrong with joining the DAR? We both agreed she needed a job.
RICHARD: Fund-raisers and tea parties? It's frivolous and meaningless. She has more to do, more to be. I don't want that life for her.
EMILY: (with an upset and a insulted look) You mean my life. You don't want her to be me.
RICHARD: Emily, no. That's not what I meant.
EMILY: We're cutting the cake now. Can't wait anymore. (Emily walks out clearly upset, and Richard is left alone also upset)
(CUT to living room. Lorelai walks around and spots Rory. They wave at each other and meet up half way across the room)
LORELAI: So.
RORY: So.
LORELAI: Your drink is disgusting.
RORY: Tell me about it.
LORELAI: Nice party, though.
RORY: Yeah, it's very nice.
LORELAI: You look great.
RORY: You look skinny.
LORELAI: Oh, well, it's the construction diet.
RORY: Construction?
LORELAI: Yeah, we're making the bedroom bigger.
RORY: You and Luke?
LORELAI: No, me and John O'Hurley. Luke doesn't know yet. I hope he takes it okay.
RORY: You guys are gonna live at our house?
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: Wow. That's nice.
So, what's new with you?
RORY: Oh, well, not much. I got my community service hours down from 300 to 104, so...
LORELAI: God, community should be well-served by now. They should build a statue of you when you're done.
RORY: Well, it's not just one community.
LORELAI: Right, yeah. That makes more sense, I guess. I got a dog.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Stop. He's fine.
RORY: He's alive?
LORELAI: Yes, he's alive, and I'm not discussing that hamster again.
RORY: But you asked Babette to double-check that you feed it in the morning?
LORELAI: That is so not necessary...and yes.
RORY: Wow, a dog. A lot has changed.
LORELAI: A lot, and then not so much, also.
RORY: Did you get your chocolate box? They're by the door.
LORELAI: No, I didn't. I'll get one on the way out.
RORY: They're good. I ate two.
LORELAI: It's a really pretty party. I actually like all the votives and the...(Lorelai is cut off by the "happy birthday song". Lane and Logan come to take Rory closer to the cake. Lorelai is left behind. As everyone is singing Happy Birthday Lorelai watches on sadly. As the song ends Luke walks up to her at looks ate her with concern)
LORELAI: Ready to go?
LUKE: Sure. (they starts to leave)
(CUT to Luke's car, night. Luke and Lorelai are driving back in silence)
LUKE: Hey. You can pull link sausages out of me if you want. (Lorelai turns to look at him and smiles)
END Of Episode 6.07 - Twenty-One is the Loneliest Number | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x07 - Twentyone is the Loneliest Number"} | foreverdreaming |
Previously on Gilmore Girls. Scenes from the previous episodes.
(OPEN in Lorelai's house, night. The house looks like it's prepped to be painted. Lorelai is sitting on an armchair looking at some paint samples with Paul Anka near by, and Luke pacing around)
LORELAI: Your impatience is very distracting.
LUKE: I said nothing.
LORELAI: I'm getting a vibe.
LUKE: I can't control my vibe.
LORELAI: Maybe I should do this alone.
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: But I need to collect my thoughts.
LUKE: The last time I left you alone with your thoughts, I came back and you were in the reds again.
LORELAI: So?
LUKE: We've ruled out red.
LORELAI: Why did we rule out red?
LUKE: Because you don't like red.
LORELAI: Right. And when I'm right, I'm right. Red would be way too much in here. Now, just give me a minute to concentrate. Cone of silence, please.
LUKE: You got it. (notices Lorelai's shoes lined on the floor) Hey, what are all your shoes doing down here?
LORELAI: You broke the cone.
LUKE: Yeah. They're gonna get ruined. (he starts picking them up)
LORELAI: Oh, well, talk to Paul Anka. He's one by one marched every pair of my shoes downstairs, and I have no idea why. Lined them up perfectly, too. Left, right, left, right. He's very a**l when he misbehaves.
LUKE: Yeah. I'll clear them out.
LORELAI: No, no, no. Don't. I want him to march them back up himself. How else will he learn?
LUKE: Fine. (drops the shoes) Whatever. (pointing at Paul Anka) Weirdo. (sits on the bed opposite Lorelai)
LORELAI: Why did I say I don't like red?
LUKE: I think your exact words were, "better d*ad than red".
LORELAI: 'Cause I'm liking red now.
LUKE: What happened to the white you picked? That was such a nice white, and you were so sure about it.
LORELAI: It didn't go with Paul Anka.
LUKE: Unbelievable.
LORELAI: Look. (holds up the paint sample to Paul Anka)
LUKE: Oh, yeah. You're right. That does not work, not at all.
LORELAI: See?
LUKE: I was kidding.
LORELAI: You know, your kidding is really slowing down the process here, big-time. Hey, uh, what about a...blue?
LUKE: We're painting the outside blue.
LORELAI: Or maybe a yellow.
LUKE: Oh, come on now. Yellow really doesn't go with Paul Anka.
LORELAI: You know, if nothing goes with him, we may have to move.
LUKE: Do you want to know the problem here?
LORELAI: Actually, no. I don't like problems. I avoid them when I can, and I don't like people pointing them out to me.
LUKE: The guys are almost done prepping the walls, and then they're gonna want to paint. If we don't have a colour for them, they're gonna have nothing to do, and then they're gonna bolt, and we won't see them again for weeks.
LORELAI: That is so cold.
LUKE: Well they go where the money is. If they're not painting, they're not earning.
LORELAI: Oh, wait. Paul Anka. Maybe he has an opinion on all this.
LUKE: Oh, I'm sure he does.
LORELAI: Okay, dude. Check them out. Don't overthink it. What looks good to you? (holds up the paint samples for him and he licks a one) Ooh! He licked the dark magenta.
LUKE: You know dogs are colour-blind.
LORELAI: Okay, technicality. What about the baseboards? Baseboards. (he licks again) Ooh! Dark magenta baseboards. Interesting choice.
LUKE: I need a beer. (gets up and makes his way to the kitchen)
LORELAI: Oh. Oh, get one for me, too, please. (at Paul Anka) How about the ceiling? (the dog licks again and Lorelai gasps) Dark magenta! You've got the q*eer eye, my friend. (pets Paul Anka) Oh yeah!
OPENING CREDITS
(CUT to Rory's bedroom at the mansion, morning. Rory is asleep. There is a knock on the door and Rory wakes up startled)
EMILY (from outside the door): Rise and shine!
RORY: No, no, no, no, no.
EMILY (from outside the door): It's a beautiful morning.
RORY: No rising. No shining.
EMILY (from outside the door): Don't let it go to waste. I'll be back in five if I don't see you.
RORY: (angry and frustrated) No, no more "back in five"! (lies back down)
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Lorelai and Luke walk in the diner coming from upstairs in mid-conversation)
LORELAI: It's perfect. A light, slightly washed-out green like you see in renaissance wall paintings, with the baseboards painted an aquamarine blue, but dulled so it's got a little Latin touch. And you paint the ceilings off-white with a hint of yellow to go great with the floors and just give the whole space a nice glow. (Lorelai sits on a stool at the counter as Luke stays behind the counter) What do you think?
LUKE: We're not painting my apartment.
LORELAI: (chuckles) Why not?
LUKE: Because we're painting your house. That's why you have the colour samples.
LORELAI: Mm-hm, and there's not enough paint to paint your place and the other place?
LUKE: There's not enough time. As you work on the perfect colours for my house and Babette's house and Mr.Lanahan's house and Sookie's house...
LORELAI: Oh, I showed Sookie that blanched almond. She flipped.
LUKE: ...And the post office and the church and the odd fellows hall, the painters are getting closer and closer to being ready to paint your house. You gotta focus or...
LORELAI: Or what?
LUKE: I'm gonna take that away. (indicating at the paint-sample thingy)
LORELAI: Oh, no! You would not take my paint-sample thingy away from me.
LUKE: I most certainly would.
LORELAI: Well, that would seriously slow down the process. And I don't know if you know this, but if the painters have nothing to do, they'll move on to another job. (a townie - Maggie - and two little girls - Tilly and Megan - walk up to Luke and Lorelai)
LUKE: It's "the twilight zone". I do not know what to do here. (Lorelai notices they have company)
LORELAI: Hey. I think the lullaby league is looking for you.
LUKE: (at the girls) Oh. Yeah?
MEGAN: Mr.Danes, I'm Megan, and this is Tilly.
TILLY: Hi.
MEGAN: Um, we go to Stars Hollow Middle School. You went there. (Luke stares at the girls)
LORELAI: I think they're looking for confirmation.
LUKE: Yeah, I went.
MAGGIE: He's busy, girls. Don't keep him long.
MEGAN: Well, we're on a soccer team, and we lost our sponsor.
LORELAI: Aw, who was your sponsor?
MEGAN: Luger's bait and tackle.
LORELAI: Oh, that's right. They're shutting down. (at Luke) Luger's wife caught him at that motel with the transv...(remembers that there are kids around) sistor radio, and, uh, he retired honourably.
LUKE: So, what are you here for?
MEGAN: We were wondering if you would sponsor our team.
LUKE: Well, I don't know...
TILLY: You just have to buy our jerseys.
MEGAN: It'll say "Luke's Diner" on the back.
TILLY: Plus our name: "The bobcats". And you pitch in for trophies if we win.
MEGAN: But you don't even have to go to the games if you don't want.
TILLY: Yeah. You don't have to come.
LUKE: Girls, no offence, but I don't think so. It's not my thing.
MAGGIE: No problem. Thank him for his time, girls. (the girls look a bit sad)
MEGAN: Thank you.
TILLY: Thank you, Mr.Danes.
LUKE: You're welcome.
LORELAI: Bye. (the girls and Maggie go back to their table) Wow, Oliver Twist just kindly asked for a little more gruel, and you kicked him right in the junk.
LUKE: Who?
LORELAI: You broke those darling little girls' hearts.
LUKE: They'll find someone else.
LORELAI: How is this not your thing?
LUKE: I don't want to coach a soccer team.
LORELAI: They don't need a coach. How closely were you listening?
LUKE: Well, not that closely. Kids usually talk, but they don't say anything. You know, they just kind of yammer, so if you don't find them cute, they're just boring.
LORELAI: God, you should really have your own children's show, you know, as an alternative to the nice ones.
LUKE: You know what I mean.
LORELAI: It's just a sponsorship, and they're from your alma mater, which, by the way, is looking drab and could use a touch-up. I'd recommend the light salmon. Doesn't that mean something?
LUKE: I guess a little.
LORELAI: You don't even have to go to the games, and you'd get to have your name on the back of the jerseys. Free advertising, how cool is that?
LUKE: Well, yeah, that might be all right.
LORELAI: Hey, and you'll get that photo that sponsors get of the whole team sitting on the field, and you can display it like Al's Pancake World does. Ooh, Al...that sea-green with burnt-sienna trim.
LUKE: (grabs the sample thingy away from her) I warned you.
LORELAI: OH! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Come on. Give it back, please. I'm jonesing. I need my colours. Please. (he gives it back)
LUKE: Think they're any good?
LORELAI: I don't know if that matters.
(Luke walks up to the girls and Maggie's table)
LUKE: Hey, uh, if you still want a sponsor, we can give it a sh*t.
MEGAN: Really?!
TILLY: Yay! (the girls get up and hug Luke)
MAGGIE: Oh, that's wonderful, Luke. Thank you.
LUKE: (a bit uncomfortable) I guess this is you being grateful.
LORELAI: (pointing at a blue shade from the sample thingy) For the jerseys.
(CUT to Gilmore mansion, morning. Rory is coming down the stairs talking on her cell phone at Logan. The scene CUTS between Rory at the mansion and Logan at Yale)
RORY: You really get, like, no notice on these things, do you?
LOGAN: None. It's a "grab your bag and meet me at the tarmac, son, over and out", and it's always at an ungodly hour.
RORY: 6:00 am?
LOGAN: That's my bedtime, for God's sake.
RORY: So. where's he dragging you this time?
LOGAN: A paper in Omaha. What state is that in again?
RORY: Nebraska.
LOGAN: Ah. Corn, farm animals, football.
RORY: Oh, and they love condescension in Nebraska, too, so h*t them with that as soon as you disembark.
LOGAN: Well, you have got to be free tonight, my dear, 'cause I'm getting the group together for a blow-out. Do not tell me you're working.
RORY: I can make some time for you. (notices Emily sitting in the room she was about to enter, turns the other way and start almost whispering) Oops. Evasive manoeuvre.
LOGAN: What?
RORY: My grandmother.
LOGAN: Is she coming at you with a Kn*fe or something?
RORY: It's one thing to be forced to move into the big house, but now the big house is feeling Tom thumb tiny. My grandmother's everywhere.
LOGAN: The older generation...They have their methods of ubiquity.
RORY: I'm positive that there are at least five of her wandering the property like she's a Cylon.
LOGAN: (whispering) So, can you meet me out here tonight?
RORY: Why are you whispering?
LOGAN: Because you're whispering.
RORY: That's cute. I'll see you at your place? eight o'clock?
LOGAN: Perfect.
RORY: See you then. (hangs up the phone and is about to exit the house, but Emily comes in the room just in time and startles her)
EMILY: Rory!
RORY: Oh, hi, Grandma. I was just heading out, in kind of a hurry. (does not
turn around to look at Emily)
EMILY: Heading out where?
RORY: Errands. Just errands.
EMILY: You know, Shandinka would be willing to do your errands for you. She has a used SUV.
RORY: I can do them myself.
EMILY: Is something wrong with your face?
RORY: No.
EMILY: Why are you hiding it? (Rory turns around to face Emily) It looks fine.
RORY: It is fine.
EMILY: So, are you staying overnight at Paris' again this week?
RORY: Maybe.
EMILY: That's so fun. Having a girlfriend for sleepovers. You know, Paris can sleep over here sometime if you want.
RORY: Great. Thanks.
EMILY: Your Grandfather's out of town for a few days, so it's just us girls. Got a preference for dinner tonight?
RORY: I may not make it for dinner tonight, Grandma.
EMILY: Oh. I was looking forward to it.
RORY: Sorry.
EMILY: It's always good to give 24-hours notice on these things.
RORY: Again, sorry.
EMILY: You're looking skinnier, and you're skipping dinner.
RORY: I'm not skipping dinner. I'm having dinner out.
EMILY: You're not bulimic?
RORY: I really have to go, Grandma.
EMILY: One last thing. The Russian tea for the DAR...That's going well?
RORY: Yeah. It's like clockwork. It's an easy one. Teas are easy.
EMILY: Oh! That reminds me. (goes off to the other room)
RORY: I really have to go, Grandma (quietly to herself) she said for the umpteenth time. (Emily comes back in, holding a dress)
EMILY: What do you think?
RORY: It's nice. Whose is it?
EMILY: It's for you, for the Russian tea. Want to try it on?
RORY: Later. Please. I really, really have to go.
EMILY: Well, that's something to look forward to.
RORY: Definitely.
EMILY: See you later.
RORY: See you later. (Rory exits. Outside of the house now, she takes a calming breath and walks off)
(CUT to Lorelai's house, night. Babette and Lorelai are in the living room. Babette is sitting on the armchair, looking through the sample thingy and Lorelai is hovering over her)
BABETTE: Oh, this is hard. This is so hard.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know.
BABETTE: I can be so indecisive. Put me in front of a bin of cantaloupe, it'll take me an hour to pick one. An hour! And this is harder than cantaloupe.
LORELAI: Come on. Focus, Babette. A green, an off-white. what do you think?
BABETTE: They all seem fine.
LORELAI: See, I don't know if you're aware of this, but if painters are ready to paint, and you don't have your colours ready, they'll leave, and you'll never see them again, so the clock is ticking here.
LUKE (OS): Don't let her bully you, Babette.
BABETTE: But I gotta pick a colour!
LUKE (OS): Lorelai's gotta pick a colour!
LORELAI: Just leave us alone out here! Go about your business! (sits on the bed close to Babette)
LUKE (OS): You're being cruel to Babette, and you're going to rot in hell for this.
LORELAI: I'm just getting her opinion.
BABETTE: I've caused an argument. I'm horrible.
LUKE (OS): You've got till close of day tomorrow, and that's it.
BABETTE: Good! That'll give me enough time!
LUKE (OS): Not you, Babette, Lorelai!
BABETTE: Oh, he's mad at me.
LORELAI: He's not mad at you. And he's right. It's my thing. I should do it.
BABETTE: Thank God. Well, here's the information you wanted for Paul Anka. You got your training schools. Training's always good for them.
LORELAI: Yeah, uh, I took him to a few sessions. He fell in love with a poodle and got very distracted.
BABETTE: And doggy day care. Let him run around with other dogs. Good for socializing him.
LORELAI: Well, the other dogs we've come across on walks, he'll bark at them, and then when they turn and look at him, he'll play d*ad. It's kind of sad.
BABETTE: Well, he's the cutest basket case I've ever seen. That's for sure. Gotta go. (they stand up)
LORELAI: Okay. Thanks for coming, Babette. This will help. So... (talking very quietly) hey, if you were gonna pick between the papaya whip I showed you and the medium spring green...
LUKE (OS): STOP IT!
LORELAI: God, he's got good ears.
BABETTE: See you, doll. Good luck!
LORELAI: Thanks. Bye.
BABETTE: Bye! (they walk towards the door)
(CUT to kitchen, continuous. Luke is sitting at the table talking on the phone, and looking at a catalogue. Lorelai comes in and sits with him)
LUKE: Yeah, I want the two-colour team name on the front in script and the "Luke's Diner" in a vertical arch above the number on the back.
LORELAI: "L" for Lorelai.
LUKE: "L" for Luke's.
LORELAI: Hey, our names have the same first letter.
LUKE: You like the style?
LORELAI: Classy.
LUKE: (on the phone) But I want really nice stitching, even if it costs extra. I don't care that it's double. Just do it. I want my girls to look good.
LORELAI: Listen to Daddy Warbucks.
LUKE: Yeah. 12 for the team plus three spares will do it. 15 in all. (Lorelai get his attention and point at herself - she wants a jersey) Uh, plus another medium, 16, (Lorelai points at Luke) and an extra-large men's, so 17. (Paul Anka comes on the kitchen, starts to scratch Rory's bedroom door and is whimpering. Lorelai points at him too) And one for a medium dog. Yeah. Dog. And this is a rush order. I want them for the next game. Okay, thanks, Ollie. Bye. (hangs up)
LORELAI: Those girls are gonna be styling.
LUKE: Yeah, well, they're gonna have the best uniforms in the league. I've seen pictures of the other teams. Little bag ladies.
LORELAI: Look how you've embraced this.
LUKE: Well, the more I thought about it, the more fun it seemed, you know. And my friend Ed told me the team is actually pretty good. They got a chance to go all the way.
LORELAI: Cool. Wow. They could make a movie about this someday. You know...The reluctant, handsome diner owner sponsoring a team that goes all the way to the national finals, and you know who would play you?
LUKE: Who?
LORELAI: Tobey Maguire!
LUKE: He's way younger than me.
LORELAI: But his career is hot. Go with Tobey.
LUKE: What about that Vito Morgenstern?
LORELAI: Sure. Or Viggo Mortensen.
LUKE: Oh.
LORELAI: Or Donald Sutherland.
LUKE: Too old.
LORELAI: We'll dye his hair.
LUKE: He's got jowls.
LORELAI: You're picky. (Paul Anka whimpers again and keeps on scraching Rory's door)
LUKE: What's he doing?
LORELAI: I don't know. He's been doing that a lot lately. Hey, hey, buddy, there's nothing for you there. (he lies down) He need geritol? He's been lethargic lately. He's depressed or something. (Luke takes the phone again and starts dialling) Who are you calling?
LUKE: Just saw something in this thing. (on phone) Hey, Ollie, it's Luke Danes again. Listen, I was looking through your brochure again. You can make caps, too, right?
LORELAI: Soccer players wear caps?
LUKE: (at Lorelai) No, I just think they'll look cute in them. (on phone) Yeah, what's your highest quality cap you got there? Yeah, I don't want plastic in the sizing. It's cheapo. You got that kind that you kind of pull on the cloth thingy to size it, right? (Lorelai gets up and bends over Paul Anka to pet him) Great. Well, give me 20 of those.
(CUT to Rich Man's Shoe, night. A folk singer is on the stage singing. Rory, Logan, Finn, Colin, Rosemary and Juliet are sitting at a table. The boys seem rather drunk. Finn and Colin perk up when the folk singer, who is a girl, sings "met her")
FINN: "Met her".
COLIN: Cool. A girl-on-girl thing. (the song goes "there I took her life") It's a snuff film.
FINN: A lesbian snuff film. (she repeats the last couple of verses)
COLIN: A redundant lesbian snuff film. How INXS missed her, I don't know.
LOGAN: Raise a glass to INXS.
FINN: My countrymen, I'm less than proud to say.
COLIN: I cannot, cannot believe they've reinstated folk night at my beloved pub.
FINN: It's a travesty!
JULIET: Is there any alcohol left in the state of Connecticut that's not inside them?
ROSEMARY: I doubt it.
LOGAN: So, boys, another round?
COLIN: Posthaste. Barkeep!
RORY: You've hardly touched the drink in front of you.
LOGAN: Ah, but I'm anticipating. You don't wait till the drink's done to order another. That's for amateurs.
RORY: Right. I forgot you went pro.
LOGAN: So, boys, boys, when is the Life & Death Brigade going out again? We have been remiss.
COLIN: I have ideas. Big ideas. Potentially harmful ideas. (another customer from a near by table turns at them)
CUSTOMER: Hey, you mind?
COLIN: Boyfriend?
FINN: Brother.
COLIN: Or both. He could be southern.
LOGAN: Hey. New drinking game. Every time the folk singer sounds sincere, we have to take a drink.
JULIET: Buckle up. It's gonna be a long night.
FINN: Come on. Start folding your own, gents. (he folds up a piece of napkin and throws it towards the stage) Whoever hits the folk singer first wins. (Colin follows his lead)
(CUT to outside Rich Man's Shoe, night much later on. The g*ng comes out of the bar. The boys are totally wasted. Rory is supporting Logan because he's too drunk and tries to lead him and get Colin and Finn in her car. The girls stay back)
FINN: Good morning, New Haven! My, my, you look fresh and appealing tonight!
MAN (OS): Shut up!
FINN: God has spoken to me... rather rudely.
MAN (OS): Shut up!
RORY: Finn, keep it down.
COLIN: (climbs on car and hold on to a street light pole) Finn, watch. Tostingo! (throws a glass he was holding in the air, Finn pretends to be sh**ting at it and it shatters)
MAN (OS): Hey...Shut up!
LOGAN: Why are we leaving, Ace?
RORY: Because they're closing.
LOGAN: That's no excuse.
RORY: We've overstayed our welcome.
LOGAN: That makes me sad.
RORY: You've gotta get your plane in the morning.
JULIET: Have I gained weight?
ROSEMARY: Why?
JULIET: Finn didn't make a pass at me.
FINN: No, love, my brain is cloudy. Here I am making a pass at you. Pass, pass!
COLIN: That is so expositional.
RORY: Guys, just get in the car. (the boys look in through the open car door but don't move)
COLIN: I've forgotten how to get into a car.
FINN: Me too. Rory, did you have your owner's manual with you, love?
RORY: Oh, my god. Just get in! (starts pushing them in)
JULIET: Bon voyage.
ROSEMARY: Good luck with your ringling. (the girls walk off)
LOGAN: One more drink. (he stalks off back to the bar. One of the workers is closing the gate)
COLIN: Oh, we've got a runner!
LOGAN: Come on (Rory runs after Logan)
RORY: Logan!
LOGAN: Hey, come on. Let me in. (steadying himself on the pub's gate)
RORY: Oh, Logan, they're closed.
LOGAN: I have to apologize to that folk singer.
RORY: She's not here. Everyone's gone.
LOGAN: I hurt her feelings.
RORY: She's a folk singer. She's used to it. Come on. (she grabs him and starts walking him back to the car)
LOGAN: I don't want to go to Omaha tomorrow.
RORY: I know.
LOGAN: It's boring.
RORY: I know.
LOGAN: And it's not here.
RORY: Come on. Yeah.
LOGAN: I don't like steaks or insurance or football or anything else that they have there.
RORY: You like steaks.
LOGAN: Do they even have electricity there?
RORY: Yeah. Yeah. They just got it last year.
LOGAN: Don't make me go.
RORY: I'm not making you go. I'm just trying to get you home.
LOGAN: But getting me home means that I have to go to sleep, and when I wake up, I have to go on a plane to Omaha. (they finally reach the car and Rory tries to help Logan in) Where's Omaha? Where's Omaha?
RORY: Oh. Just get in, please.
LOGAN: (as he sits gets in) Aah! Ahh! (Rory looks around for Colin and Finn. They are gone)
RORY: Colin? Finn?
MAN (OS): Shut up!
RORY: Guys!
MAN (OS): Shut up!
(CUT to Gilmore mansion driveway, night. Rory drives up and gets out of her car. Someone walks up to the gate and Rory turns to see who it is)
RORY: Jess. (he opens the gate and help himself in)
JESS: Hey.
RORY: Hey.
(they stare at each other)
RORY: I...sorry. That wasn't a sentence.
JESS: I got the gist. (he walks up to her)
RORY: What are you doing here?
JESS: I got a job. Professional driveway stalker.
RORY: Pays good?
JESS: Yeah, but the hours suck.
RORY: Jess...?
JESS: I'm in town on a little business. All nice and aboveboard.
RORY: How'd you know where to find me?
JESS: Luke. I shook it out of him. He wasn't sure if it was okay.
RORY: It's okay. You look good. The years don't seem to have hardened you.
JESS: Yeah, you look good, too. I know this is kind of weird, but there's actually something I wanted to tell you. Show you, actually. (Rory looks up at the house, Jess notices) I can come back another time.
RORY: No, it's just, uh, we're kind of exposed here. My...her window's, like, right there.
JESS: Whose?
RORY: Uh, my Grandma's. You want to come in?
JESS: You sure?
RORY: Yeah. Come on. But just be careful. She's a very light sleeper. (they start walking towards the house)
(CUT to Rory's room, continuous. They enter)
RORY: So, here we are.
JESS: Casa Rory. (Rory closes the door, takes a pillow from the bed and puts it on the foot of the door. Jess looks on)
RORY: So our voices don't carry.
JESS: Very prudent.
RORY: This is not really my taste.
JESS: Yeah, not unless you've aged about 90 years.
RORY: I haven't.
JESS: Is that for Halloween? (pointing at the dress Emily was showing Rory earlier)
RORY: No, no. This is just for a function I have to go to.
JESS: Function?
RORY: It's just a job. The DAR. Daughters of the American Revolution. It's not a career or anything.
JESS: I hope not.
RORY: No. See, don't get the wrong idea. I'm just here temporarily. My mom and I...
JESS: Luke alluded to something.
RORY: It's a long story. I was crashing in the pool house, and that was just temporary, but the pool house became storage, so then I had to move into the main house. All temporary.
JESS: Isn't school in session?
RORY: Mm-hmm.
JESS: Why aren't you living on campus?
RORY: Because I'm not going.
JESS: You graduate already, Doogie?
RORY: No. I'm just taking a little time off.
JESS: Time off.
RORY: So, where are you living, Jess? I want to know about you, mystery man.
(they sit)
JESS: I'm in Philly.
RORY: Really?
JESS: Don't laugh.
RORY: No, I'm not. Philadelphia's gotten cool.
JESS: And New York's gotten expensive. Anyway, it's a pretty cool scene in Philly now. Lot of younger people there...pretty big art scene.
RORY: I know. I read that in the New York Times. They had a picture of a bunch of young people standing on a roof, kind of eclectic and all. It looked fun. I mean, it was clearly one of those pictures that wasn't candid. It was looking a little stiff, but they looked happy.
JESS: Are you nervous?
RORY: A little. It's been a long time.
JESS: I'm a little nervous, too.
RORY: Good. I'm not alone.
JESS: So, I didn't just come here to chat. I wanted to show you something. (takes hios bag and starts looking for something)
RORY: Right. You said that.
JESS: Yeah, and I didn't think you'd believe it if I didn't show it to you in person. (takes out a book and give it to her)
RORY: Well, colour me curious. A book. (reading the cover) "'The Subsect'...written by Jess Mariano."
JESS: It's no misprint.
RORY: You wrote a book?
JESS: A short novel.
RORY: You wrote a book?!
JESS: And through a fluke, I got it to these guys that have a small press, and they read it. I don't know if they were high or something, but they decided to publish it.
RORY: You wrote a book.
JESS: There's no money in it. They only printed like 500 of them. Believe me, I'm not quitting my day job.
RORY: But you wrote it. You wrote a book. (gets up and starts pacing around flipping the pages a bit)
JESS: Yeah, I know. It's hard to believe.
RORY: You sat down and wrote a novel.
JESS: Author-distributed, too. That's what I'm doing here. I'm going around begging independent bookstores to put it in stock. Got it in a few.
RORY: Cool! Where?
JESS: Around.
RORY: I want to see it in a store.
JESS: I can give you the addresses.
RORY: You know what I'm gonna do when I see it in the store?
JESS: What?
RORY: You know that section toward the front, the staff recommendations? I'm gonna grab a copy of your book and put it in that section, and then I'm going to write my own little recommendation on a card and attach it so people see it and buy it.
JESS: Read it first. That way you can discourage people from buying it.
RORY: No way! I know it's good. (she sits again) Jess, you've got such a great brain. I knew that if you could just sit down and stop shaking it around, you could do something like this. I knew it. I knew it.
JESS: I know you did. I work at that press now. Five smelly guys in a cramped room on Locust Street putting out about three books a month. But it's fun.
RORY: What about a sequel? Are you writing a sequel?
JESS: You should read it before you get too jazzed about it, okay?
RORY: Shh! (they are quiet for a few seconds and Rory looks alert. After a bit she sighs) Sorry. I thought I heard footsteps. I think we're okay.
JESS: It's kind of late. I should go.
RORY: It is kind of late. (they both get up and start moving to the door)
JESS: So, I just basically wanted to show you that. Uh, tell you... tell you that I couldn't have done it without you.
RORY: Thanks.
JESS: I'm gonna be around for a couple days. Can we talk again? Preferably above a whisper.
RORY: Yeah. I'd like that. How about tomorrow night?
JESS: Eight okay?
RORY: Yep.
JESS: Good. I'll sneak out on my own.
RORY: Cool. (they get to the door. Jess picks up the pillow and gives it to Rory. She sees the book in her hand) Oh, hey. The book.
JESS: Oh, it's yours. (he leaves and closes the door. Rory sits on her bed and starts going through the book a bit)
(CUT to soccer field, morning. Two teams - one of them is The Bobcats - are warming up. There are a bunch of soccer parents on the side lines. Luke and Lorelai make their way through, wearing their matching Bobcat jerseys)
LORELAI: So, where are the bleachers?
LUKE: Oh, they don't have bleachers at soccer games. They just stand on the sidelines.
LORELAI: But, where do we go if we feel like making out in the middle of the game?
LUKE: I don't think they'd mind if we did it right here in front of them.
LORELAI: Cool. Got a nice crowd here, Mr.Sponsor.
LUKE: Not bad. Not bad.
LORELAI: So, these are soccer moms, huh?
LUKE: They're just really bored spinsters.
LORELAI: They seem very concerned with education and national security. (Luke chuckles. Maggie sees the tow of them walking around and runs up to the)
MAGGIE: Luke! Hi! You came!
LUKE: Oh, yeah. I thought I'd come down, see the girls in action.
MAGGIE: Oh, they give it their all. You'll be proud.
LUKE: I'm sure I will.
LORELAI: Look at those girls. Look how cute they are in those uniforms.
LUKE: Check out the other team's. Cheap fabric, cheap stitching.
LORELAI: Look at the sponsor. Fred's dry cleaning. Ruined a favorite sweater years ago. Today he pays. (Tilly and Megan run up to Luke and Lorelai)
MEGAN: Luke!
TILLY: You came!
LUKE: Hey, girls. You ready to play?
MEGAN: We hope so.
LUKE: The other team? I think you're gonna wipe the floor with them.
MEGAN: I think we've got a sh*t.
LUKE: No, I know you've got a sh*t. Don't forget. We're having a little celebration at the diner afterwards, win or lose.
MEGAN: Cool.
TILLY: We better get back.
LUKE: All right. Have a good game.
MEGAN: See ya!
LORELAI: Bend it like Beckham! (the girls run off) Oh, so, I dropped Paul Anka off at doggy day care. It was a little scary.
LUKE: No, that'll be good for him.
LORELAI: He seemed okay. He was a little standoffish at first, but then he got very friendly with the cash register. And then a dog ran up to him, and he played d*ad for a couple seconds, and when that didn't work, he ran off playing with the other dogs. I think it's gonna do him some good.
LUKE: I think so, too. (the game begins) Oh, here we go.
LORELAI: Oh, who got the ball?
LUKE: Well, The Bobcats lost the toss, so the other team got the ball.
LORELAI: So, we've lost already?
LUKE: Just the toss. It means nothing.
LORELAI: How many points are we behind 'cause we screwed up the tossing?
LUKE: Nothing, it just started. 0-0.
LORELAI: Were we talking during the toss? How did we miss the toss?
LUKE: Just watch the game.
LORELAI: Okay. Look at that Megan run.
LUKE: Ooh, she's making her move.
LORELAI: She's fast.
LUKE: Yeah, see her coming up behind that girl? She's gonna try to steal and then move the ball forward and get it to the...
LORELAI: OH!
LUKE: OH! What was that?
SOCCER DAD: Good hustle, girls! Good hustle!
LORELAI: Is that girl unconscious?
LUKE: No, no, no. She's getting up. She's a little-little wobbly though.
LORELAI: Is it okay for Megan to slam her elbow in that girl's neck like that?
LUKE: I don't think...(Tilly att*cks girl who falls down) Oh, my God!
LORELAI: Oh! That was poor little Tilly.
LUKE: There's blood. I see blood.
LORELAI: Who is their coach? Sam Peckinpah?
MAGGIE: Way to go, Tilly. Dominate. Dominate.
LORELAI: Shouldn't that be a foul or something?
MAGGIE: Oh, don't worry. Tilly is an expert at knowing when the ref is watching and when he isn't. Agression! Agression! Agression!
LORELAI: I cannot watch this. (hides her eyes. Luke keeps on watching the game which, from all the noises one can tell, is quite violent. We hear bunch and a groan, and Luke kinda steps back) Ah! I heard that. It was just as bad as seeing it.
LUKE: Now I think that girl's unconscious.
(CUT to soccer field parking, morning, later on. Everyone is making their way to their cars. Luke and Lorelai run to the truck, get in and look stunned)
LORELAI: It was...it was...
LUKE: Violent.
LORELAI: "Scarface" on a soccer field.
LUKE: Those little girls. Megan, Tilly.
LORELAI: Animals! Animals!
LUKE: Did you see the blood on their jerseys?
LORELAI: Oh, I did! I did see that. And the refs, they look like they're afraid to call penalties.
LUKE: Can you blame them?
LORELAI: It's Alicia. Duck. (they duck)
LUKE: Ohh...she's not coming after us. Although she is walking right toward us. Oh! She turned.
LORELAI: Oh, thank God. (they sit up straight again)
LUKE: She turned away.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: Oh, those sweet, little 11-year-old girls.
LORELAI: K*llers! K*llers all!
LUKE: They won. They won that game.
LORELAI: Bobcats 37, humanity nothing. I don't want to go to another game.
LUKE: Me neither.
LORELAI: Good. (they look around a bit)
LUKE: Seems like a good time to get away.
LORELAI: Yeah, they're all distracted. g*n it! g*n it! (Luke starts the car and they drive off)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion driveway, night. Jess is outside and starts throwing pebles at a window. Rory comes out and he gets startled. He sees it's her and relaxes as she walks up to him, chuckling)
RORY: What are you doing?
JESS: (whispering) I didn't know if it was okay to ring or not.
RORY: She's not here.
JESS: (normal volume) She's not?
RORY: She's playing bridge tonight.
JESS: Oh, good. I parked on the street so she wouldn't see.
RORY: You're very good at covert ops.
JESS: Years of practice. So, where do you want to go?
RORY: I don't know. I don't know the area that well.
JESS: You live here.
RORY: I know, but Hartford's still a mystery. Even when I went to Chilton, I got right on the bus and headed home. So I don't even have any old high school hangouts to revisit. And these days, I've just been eating here.
JESS: Well, I just prefer not going someplace that has food in the title.
RORY: Meaning...
JESS: Olive, chilli, soup. No gardens. No plantations.
RORY: Got it. Something funkier.
JESS: Steer me to the college district. I'll find us something funky.
RORY: Sounds good. (a car drives up. It's Logan. Jess looks at Rory, she looks at Logan as he exits the car smiling) Logan.
LOGAN: Am I interrupting something? (he walks up to them)
RORY: No. Hey. When did you get back?
LOGAN: Couple hours ago.
RORY: Oh, I...I thought you were getting back tomorrow.
LOGAN: I thought I'd surprise you, Ace.
RORY: Well, I'm glad you did 'cause you get to meet my old friend, Jess. This is Logan, my boyfriend. Logan, this is Jess. He's in from out of town. (uncomfortable silence) Wow. That sounded so grown-up. We're at the age now where we say things like "in from out of town" and "old friend", 'cause when you're young, all your friends are new, and you have to get old to have old friends. (uncomfortable chuckling from Rory. Logan extends his hand to Jess)
LOGAN: How you doing? (they shake)
JESS: Okay.
RORY: We were just gonna go grab a bite to eat.
LOGAN: Great. Well, how about if we all go together. Is that okay?
JESS: Okay by me.
LOGAN: Good
RORY: All right. Good. We were actually at a loss for where to go, so you actually saved us.
LOGAN: Call me superman. (at Jess) Why don't you follow us.
JESS: Sure. (Logan puts his arm around Rory's shoulders and stears her to the passenger side of his car. Rory is a bit uncomfortable with the gesture)
LOGAN: Great. Come on.
(CUT to Lorelai's house, evening. Lorelai enters and notices all her shoes lined up leading to Rory's room. Paul Anka is laying in front of Rory' bedroom door. Lorelai leans over him concerned and starts petting him)
LORELAI: Baby. (feeling his nose) Ohh.
(CUT to Luke's diner, evening. Luke is sitting with the team. They are occupying a few tables. The girls are eating burgers and Luke is trying to talk to them)
LUKE: Look. I'm not saying take a dive or let them win...
TILLY: Good burger.
LUKE: Thanks, I'm not even saying let them score a goal, which the other team did not. (Megan and Tilly high-five)
MEGAN: Yeah! Shutout!
TILLY: Donut!
SOCCER GIRL: They ate some dirt.
LUKE: They did. They did. They ate some dirt. You fed it to them, but all I'm saying is do you have to h*t them so hard?
MEGAN: It's part of the game.
TILLY: Yeah, you have to be aggressive, or they'll roll over you.
MEGAN: You're not being competitive if your jersey doesn't have a little O negative on it.
LUKE: I know. Absolutely. But, uh, for example, Megan, that bicycle kick you did.
MEGAN: Bicycle kicks are allowed.
LUKE: Not on another girl's head.
MEGAN: She was all up in my grill!
LUKE: I know, and I don't like it when people are all up in my grill, but there are other ways to deal with it.
TILLY: We play the way the boys play.
SOCCER GIRL: Watch them. You'll see.
LUKE: But boys are boys, and girls are girls. (the girls react and Luke is a bit shocked)
MEGAN: I cannot believe I'm hearing this.
TILLY: So we're just supposed to play like cute little girls like we're at some tea party?
LUKE: I'm not saying that.
TILLY: We want to win. Which means we gotta kick some butt!
THE WHOLE TEAM: Yeah!
LUKE: (looking at Tilly stunned) You were so shy when I met you. (the telephone rings) I'll be right back. (Luke walks over to the counter to get the phone and listens to girls, resigned, for a bit talking about how they "creamed those guys". On the phone) Luke's.
(CUT to Lorelai's house, continuous. Lorelai is in the living room on the phone. The scene CUTS between Luke at the diner and Lorelai at home)
LORELAI: Hey. It's me.
LUKE: Hey, what's wrong?
LORELAI: It's Paul Anka. He's sick.
LUKE: He's sick?
LORELAI: Yeah. He doesn't want to walk or eat or anything. He's never been sick in his whole life. I mean, I haven't had him his whole life, so it's possible that he's been sick in his life. I'll never know for sure, but to me it's as if it's the first time he's ever been sick.
LUKE: He got sick when he ate that chocolate. Did he eat more chocolate?
LORELAI: He hasn't eaten chocolate. He hasn't eaten anything in two days.
LUKE: Get him to the vet.
LORELAI: I did. The vet just said that he has some sort of bug and to let him be until it passes. I feel so helpless.
LUKE: Well, I've got the team here, so as soon as they're gone, I'll come over. I mean, they wolf it down like pigs, so it's not gonna be that long unless they want a third helping.
LORELAI: Maybe I should take him back to the vet.
LUKE: Just let Paul Anka be. Dogs are dogs. They know how to heal.
LORELAI: Paul Anka isn't a dog. He's some sort of hybrid. Maybe that vet doesn't specialize in hybrids.
LUKE: Sit tight. I'll be over soon.
LORELAI: Okay. Bye.
LUKE: Bye. (they hang up. Luke turns around just in time to hear the girls laughing and Megan say)
MEGAN: She went one way and her knee went the other. (the girls cheer as Luke sighs and walks back over to them)
(CUT to Rich Man's Shoe, evening. Rory, Logan and Jess are sitting at a table twith their drinks talking)
LOGAN: I live pretty close. I'd have had you over to check it out, but it's a bit of a mess.
RORY: And you don't serve food, so we would have been starving at your place.
LOGAN: I've got appetizers, half-full bag of chips. Just check the expiration date before you dive in.
JESS: I'm good with this place.
LOGAN: Little pointer. Don't come on folk night.
JESS: Yeah, I'm not a big fan of folk music.
LOGAN: Something we have in common.
JESS: Great. (looks at Rory who looks back at him a bit uncomfortable)
LOGAN: Where's a waitress? (at a waitress) Yo, yo. Right here. Uh, another McKellen's neat, and, Jess, another brew?
JESS: I'm still working on this one.
LOGAN: Another one, just in case. (the waitress walks off)
RORY: Well, we should probably order. It's a big menu, so if you need guidance...
JESS: I'm not hungry.
LOGAN: You're not hungry?
JESS: Nope.
LOGAN: I thought the whole point was you two were going to get something to eat?
RORY: And talk.
LOGAN: Well, yes, it's a given that you're gonna talk while you eat. You know, chef de cuisine will gladly make anything you want if nothing there appeals.
RORY: The burgers are good here.
JESS: Maybe a burger.
LOGAN: Get one of those fancy ones, too, and it's on me, so don't let the price stop you.
JESS: I'll pay for my own. (looking through his menu)
LOGAN: Good man. (reading his menu) So, how long have you two known each other?
JESS: (closes the menu) A while.
LOGAN: You date?
RORY: Yes. We used to date.
LOGAN: Ah! No hemming. No hawing. Good course of action. (closes his menu) So, were you two high school sweethearts? Rock around the clock, two straws in the milkshake?
RORY: Logan.
LOGAN: Hey, did we cheers? I don't think we cheered. That's bad luck. Let's cheers.
JESS: I think we did already, twice.
LOGAN: Well, let's do it again. Cheers.
RORY and JESS: Cheers. (they cling their glasses and drink)
LOGAN: So...what do you do, Jess?
JESS: Oh, this and that.
LOGAN: Describe the "this". Describe the "that".
RORY: He writes.
LOGAN: You write? Impressive. What do you write?
JESS: Nothing important.
RORY: He wrote a book.
LOGAN: Oh, you penned the great American novel, Jess?
JESS: Wasn't quite that ambitious.
LOGAN: So, what are we talking here? Short novel? Kafka length or longer? Dos Passos, Tolstoy? Or longer? Robert Musil? Proust? I'm not throwing you with these names, am I?
JESS: You seem very obsessed with length.
LOGAN: I'm just trying to get a picture in my head, that's all.
RORY: It's a short novel.
LOGAN: (at Rory) Any good?
RORY: I haven't read it yet.
LOGAN: Yet? Well, at least you'll have one reader. That's something.
JESS: Yeah.
LOGAN: You know, I should just write down all my random thoughts and stuff that happens to me and conversations I have and just add a bunch of "he said, she said"-'s, and get it published. You got a copy on you?
JESS: No.
LOGAN: You should send me a copy.
JESS: Sure. And where do I send it? The blond dick at Yale?
RORY: Jess. (Jess picks up his coat and get up)
LOGAN: Whoa, whoa. We're just trying to keep it friendly here, buddy. (Logan gets up and blocks his way)
JESS: Get out of my way. (Jess by-passes him and walks out. Rory gets up and follows Jess)
LOGAN: Forget him, Rory.
RORY: Don't follow me.
(CUT to outside Rich Mans' Shoe, continuous. Jess is leaving and Rory runs up to him)
RORY: Jess, wait. (he stops and turns to look at her) Jess, I'm sorry.
JESS: We shouldn't have done this.
RORY: He's just in a bad way lately.
JESS: He's a jerk.
RORY: He was. In there, definitely. I'm so sorry.
JESS: I read that guy the second I saw him. I should have begged off.
RORY: Well, I didn't want you to.
JESS: He better not come out here.
RORY: Please, Jess. He had a lot to drink. He's tired from travelling. This isn't him. I swear.
JESS: What the hell is going on?
RORY: I told you. He's tired, and his family's bugging him right now.
JESS: No, no. I mean with you. What's going on with you?
RORY: What do you mean?
JESS: You know what I mean. I know you better than anyone. This isn't you.
RORY: I don't know.
JESS: What are you doing? Living at your grandparents' place, being in the DAR, no Yale...why did you drop out of Yale?!
RORY: It's complicated.
JESS: It's not! It's not complicated.
RORY: You don't know.
JESS: This isn't you. This, you going out with this jerk, with the Porsche. We made fun of guys like this.
RORY: You caught him on a bad night.
JESS: This isn't about him. Okay, screw him. What's going on with you? This isn't you, Rory. You know it isn't. What's going on?
RORY: I don't know. I don't know.
JESS: Hey, uh... may-may-maybe we'll catch up at a better time. (he starts to leave, but stops and turns) Happy birthday, by the way. Wasn't that a couple weeks ago, your birthday? (Rory nods. Jess nods back, smiles and leaves. Rory watches him go for a bit and re-enters the pub angry and determined)
(CUT to inside Rich Man's Shoe, continuous. Rory comes in and walks up to the table and Logan, who is sitting drinking from his glass. She does not sit but hoover's over him)
LOGAN: You're not gonna believe this. Over the music, the crowd, I hear one girl's voice cutting through it all, the folk singer. She's in the corner with her boyfriend. I sent them over a round of drinks. What the hell? He gone?
RORY: Yes, he's gone.
LOGAN: Writers are so sensitive.
RORY: You were a jerk, Logan.
LOGAN: I was just challenging him. Jeez. Hey, if Hemingway can take it, so can he. Hey, if he wanted to, he could have taken a pop at me. Pugnacity! It's a vital component of literary life. Again, consult your Hemingway. Come on. Do not let this guy get to you.
RORY: You're getting to me.
LOGAN: Me?
RORY: Yes. You were an ass.
LOGAN: Look, I'm sorry I came back early. I really messed things up here.
RORY: Jess wrote a book. He wrote a book, and you mocked him.
LOGAN: I did not mock him.
RORY: He's doing something.
LOGAN: Good. Fine. He's doing something. Everybody in the world's doing something. More power to him.
RORY: I'm not. I mean, what am I doing? I'm living with my grandparents.
LOGAN: That's temporary. Have a drink.
RORY: Temporary can turn into forever.
LOGAN: You're not living with the Gilmore's forever.
RORY: I'm palling with my grandmother and being waited on by a maid. I come home, and my shoes are magically shined. My clothes are magically clean, ironed, and laid out. My bed is magically turned down. I'm in the DAR? I'm going to meetings and teas and cocktail parties?
LOGAN: Again, temporary. Have a drink.
RORY: And wasting my time partying and drinking, just hanging out doing nothing.
LOGAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. (he gets up) Don't pull me into this.
RORY: I didn't say anything about you.
LOGAN: Yes, you did. Don't make me feel guilty for your drinking and partying. That's your choice. I'm not forcing you. When I ask you out, you can say no.
RORY: It's all we do.
LOGAN: It's not all we do.
RORY: It's all you do.
LOGAN: Well, it's my prerogative, you know. You're damn straight. I'm gonna party. I'm gonna do it while I have the chance because come June, my life is over.
RORY: Oh, yes, your horrible life. Let's hear about it.
LOGAN: Got a week?
RORY: You have every door open to you. You have opportunities that anyone would k*ll for, including me.
LOGAN: No one's stopping you from making whatever you want happen. Go into journalism. Go into politics. Be a doctor. Be a clown. Do whatever you want.
RORY: It's not as easy when it's not handed to you.
LOGAN: Really? It's all so easy for me? (getting upset) I don't want that life. It's forced on me. You talk about all these doors being open? All I see is one door, and I'm being pushed through it. I have no choice. You try living without options.
RORY: How hard are you fighting it?
LOGAN: I didn't tell you to quit Yale. You did that. I gave you one month, you went beyond that month, and it had nothing to do with me. It was all you. Now, you want to change? Change it, but don't blame me. Don't you dare blame me. You know what? Why don't you go off with John, Jack, whatever his name is?
RORY: Oh, I'm not going off with Jess. (Logan sighs tired form the fight)
LOGAN: Come on.
RORY: Where?
LOGAN: Let's go. I want to go. I don't want to be here.
RORY: I don't want to go.
LOGAN: Well, I drove you here, and I want to go!
RORY: (determined) I don't want to go.
LOGAN: Fine. (takes some money and throws it on the table) That'll cover the bill, cab. Do whatever you want. It's your choice. (Logan leaves and Rory is left alone watching him go)
(CUT to, Gilmore Mansion, morning. Emily walks up to Rory's room and knocks on the door)
EMILY: Rory, it's 7:30. (no answer so she knocks again) Rory? (she opens the door and enters)
(CUT to inside Rory's room continuous. Emily walks in and looks around, worried, in the empty room and made bed)
(CUT to Lorelai's house, morning. Luke is sleeping in Lorelai's bed in the living room. He reaches out to Lorelai and doesn't feel her in the bed so he wakes up and sits up in bed)
LUKE: Lorelai? (no answer so he gets out of bed, and starts making his way to Rory's room looking around for Lorelai. He reaches Rory's bedroom door, looks in and enters)
(CUT to inside Rory's room, continuous. Luke makes his way to the armchair Lorelai is sleeping in. Paul Anka in on Rory's bed also resting, wearing his "Bobcats" jersey. Luke sits on the floor next to Lorelai who wakes up abruptly after he nudges her. She looks tired and is in verge of tears)
LORELAI: Is he okay?
LUKE: Yeah. He looks the same.
LORELAI: Is he breathing?
LUKE: He's breathing.
LORELAI: Nice and steady?
LUKE: He's fast asleep.
LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: You been here all night?
LORELAI: Uh, I kept thinking I heard him.
LUKE: Yeah, he does snore occasionally.
LORELAI: And then he was cold, so I put his jersey on him.
LUKE: Yeah, I think he likes it.
LORELAI: Yeah. Every time I'd go back up to bed, you know, after checking on him, I just was convinced that he needed me, so I came back, and finally I just ended up here.
LUKE: Ah, it's as good a place as any.
LORELAI: Yeah. He doesn't want to eat anything. I had all these milk-bones ready for him, but he doesn't want anything.
LUKE: What's the baster for?
LORELAI: In case he's thirsty, but he can't lift his head, so I can just sh**t water in his mouth.
LUKE: Got it.
LORELAI: (sighs) Doesn't seem to want anything.
LUKE: He's gonna be okay. He's strong.
LORELAI: He's so helpless. It must be so awful to be sick when you're a dog... 'cause you can't run or play and you don't watch TV or do anything to pass the time. Watching a lot of TV is the only good part about being sick.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: And the thing with the shoes. He was trying to tell me something.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: He was trying to tell me to put my shoes on and take him to the vet because he felt something coming on, and he was trying to ward it off, and I didn't take him.
LUKE: I don't think that's why he was playing with your shoes.
LORELAI: I tried so hard. I have a list of things that he's afraid of on the fridge, and I tried to do the right thing. I should not have so socialized him at Kirk's doggy day care the other day. I should have taken him to the best doggy day care in the country, even if it was in Seattle. That's where I should have taken him.
LUKE: He's fine hanging with Kirk.
LORELAI: I did this wrong. I did this all wrong. How could I have let this happen? How did I not see it coming? How didn't I step in and do something, and...why can't I fix these things?
LUKE: Hey. (he starts playing with her hair trying to comfort her)
LORELAI: (really starting to loose it now) I'm a bad mother!
LUKE: You're not a bad mother. Oh. Did you sleep at all?
LORELAI: A little.
LUKE: You stay home this morning. I'll call Sookie and tell her you'll be late. He's gonna be okay.
LORELAI: I hope so. (Luke reaches up to her and kisses her head)
LUKE: Everything's gonna be okay. (they sit and watch Paul Anka)
(CUT to Lane's apartment, morning. Rory walks in the kitchen from Lane's bedroom and walks up to Lane)
LANE: Good morning, friend.
RORY: Back at you, friend. Where are the guys?
LANE: Uh, they go to work early. I made you coffee.
RORY: Oh, I've got time for a sip. (Lane bring the pot and a mug and starts pouring) Thanks for letting me crash here.
LANE: Anytime you want.
RORY: I might take you up on that.
LANE: I can't wait to hear the whole story.
RORY: (after a long sip) Still living it.
LANE: So, I got a message on my cell phone, from your grandmother.
RORY: On your cell phone?
LANE: How did she get the number?
RORY: Ugh. She's Emily Gilmore. I gotta run. Bye. (starts gathering her things)
LANE: Drive carefully. (Rory exits)
(CUT to the Russian tea party. Waiters are serving tea and a traditional Russian band is playing music. Emily enters the hall looking around with an angry determined look. She spots Rory and walks up to her. Rory is giving instructions to one of the waiters)
RORY: A fresh platter is all we need. Thanks.
EMILY: I need to go somewhere and have a little talk with you.
RORY: Later, Grandma. I'm needed out here.
EMILY: Young lady, I insist that we go somewhere and talk right now.
RORY: Grandma, I am sorry. I can't.
EMILY: There's a kitchen here. We'll go there.
RORY: No. I'm not going to the kitchen with you. We'll talk later.
EMILY: Must they play those damn guitars?
RORY: They're balalaikas.
EMILY: They're too loud.
RORY: They're Russian, and they're not mic'ed. That's their volume.
EMILY: I'm not liking this tone of yours.
RORY: Well, you're forcing the tone, Grandma. I said I'll talk to you later, but right now, I'm not leaving this room. (walks off, making her way through the hall and Emily follows her)
EMILY: Where were you last night? Why didn't you call?
RORY: You're overreacting.
EMILY: You're not wearing your dress.
RORY: I didn't have time to go home.
EMILY: You almost missed the event.
RORY: No. I was early for the event. What I missed was your inspection of me back at the house. That's what you're upset about.
EMILY: My inspections, missy, are for your own good. You're new to the DAR. You don't know the proper procedure for things, the proper dress.
RORY: I do okay.
EMILY: This is not just about me. Everyone was worried about you.
RORY: You mean everyone you called when you took my private address book and tried to find me?
EMILY: Yes, I did call people.
RORY: Well, you shouldn't have.
EMILY: A lot of good it did. You should update that ridiculous address book of yours. Half the numbers were disconnected.
RORY: Oh, I'll do that.
EMILY: You have people in there you haven't spoken to for years. You should remove them.
RORY: Uh-huh.
EMILY: I'm throwing that book out.
RORY: Do not throw that book out.
EMILY: Do not use that tone with me.
RORY: I want to be very clear.
EMILY: You are becoming more like your mother with every passing day.
RORY: And you are becoming more like my mother's mother with every passing day.
EMILY: That's it! That's it!
RORY: What's it?
EMILY: You're grounded.
RORY: Grounded?
EMILY: Yes.
RORY: I'm 21. You can't ground me.
EMILY: And no more sleepovers at Paris' house.
RORY: Grandma, I go wherever I want, whenever I want. And I haven't been sleeping at Paris' house three nights a week. I've been at Logan's.
EMILY: When your father gets home, we're going to talk about the house rules and be on the same page once and for all.
RORY: You mean my grandfather.
EMILY: You know what I meant.
RORY: Well, I'd have to be living at the house to have house rules.
EMILY: What does that mean?
RORY: Excuse me. (turns around and walks away in a huff)
EMILY: (calling after her) Young lady, do not walk away from me. (Emily seeing as the conversation is over starts to leave, obviously upset, as the band keeps on playing)
END Of Episode 6.08 - Let Me Hear Your Balalaikas Ringing Out | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x08 - Let me Hear Your Balalaikas Ringin"} | foreverdreaming |
Previously on Gilmore Girls. Scenes from previous episodes.
(OPEN in Lorelai?s house. Lorelai opens the front door, which is chained and tries to get in the house)
LORELAI: Luke, hello? Luuuke! My door is chained! Which is especially funny, since I don't have a chain on my door. Luke!
LUKE (OS): Lorelai?
LORELAI: No. Land shark. Candygram. Here's Johnny. (frustrated) Uh! Luke, open the door!
LUKE (OS): Stay there.
LORELAI: Oh, oh, okay. (tries to put her hand through the door and open it) God. (her hand gets stuck) Ow. Ow, I have a cramp. Luke, I have a cramp.
LUKE (OS): Sorry.
LORELAI: Huh... (Luke comes up to the door) I'm permanently stuck like this. (starts to wave her arm franticly)
LUKE: All right, get your arm out of the way so I can unchain the door.
LORELAI: Sure. Just yell, "stand up already!" to the guy in the wheelchair. (Luke unchains and opens the door)
LUKE: I chained the door earlier to test it. Here. (hands her a glass of wine)
LORELAI: (taking the wine and coming into the house) Oh, what an odd reward system you have.
LUKE: Come with me. (leads her to the living room)
LORELAI: What's going on?
LUKE: We...are celebrating.
LORELAI: Celebrating! What?
LUKE: Listen.
LORELAI: ...Are you cooking?
LUKE: Is that listening?
LORELAI: Well, I'm hungry.
LUKE: Focus.
LORELAI: I'm hungry.
LUKE: Ssshhhh.
LORELAI: Fine. (they listen for a b*at) I don't hear anything.
LUKE: Exactly.
LORELAI: OooK...Simon, Garfunkel.
LUKE: It's done.
LORELAI: What's done?
LUKE: The house. It's done.
LORELAI: No, it was supposed to take another week.
LUKE: I know. I paid Tom a bonus to get the guys out of here early.
LORELAI: And he finished everything?
LUKE: Yep! No more banging or sawing, no more paint cans lying around, cigarette butts in the potted plants.
LORELAI: Well, they didn't put the light-socket covers back on. They'll have to come back to put the light-socket cov...(Luke start pointing at the light socket covers)
LUKE: Light-socket covers are on.
LORELAI: What about the skinny, tiny, molding in the closet? They have to fix the skinny, tiny molding in the closet.
LUKE: Skinny, tiny molding is done.
LORELAI: Mmmm...Well, I'm sure they did not pick up all their tools. They'll have to come back and pick up their tools...
LUKE: You're not happy they're gone.
LORELAI: No, I am. I just...I wanted to say "goodbye".
LUKE: Goodbye?
LORELAI: Yeah, I wanted to have a, you know, "we're done" party. Buy 'em some pizza.
LUKE: More pizza.
LORELAI: And I had going-away presents for them.
LUKE: I gave them a going away present. A $2000 going-away present. That's got to bring some smiles.
LORELAI: But I bought paper hats and noisemakers.
LUKE: The place was covered with dust. You were getting woken up at six am every morning by the hammering. I thought you'd be happy.
LORELAI: I am. I'm just sad at the same time. You've never been with a woman before?
LUKE: OK, fine. I've got another surprise for ya.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Upstairs.
LORELAI: Where?
LUKE: Bedroom.
LORELAI: (gasps) Upstairs in the bedroom? Whatever could it be? (they walk toward the staircase)
(CUT to upstairs hallway, continuous. Luke and Lorelai are walking towards the bedroom)
LUKE: Close your eyes.
LORELAI: I'm not scared of it anymore, Luke.
LUKE: Would you please just close your eyes?
LORELAI: OK. (she closes her eyes)
(CUT to inside bedroom, continuous. Luke opens the doors and they enter. Lorelai still has her eyes closed)
LUKE: (stops her as she keeps on moving in the room) Ah, nuh uh. You ready?
LORELAI: Ready.
LUKE: Take a look. (Lorelai opens her eyes and looks around surprised, not in a good way)
LORELAI: Wow! What is this? (we see inside the bedroom, which is filled with old creepy looking furniture)
LUKE: This is my grandmother's bedroom set. It's in perfect shape. Can you imagine?
LORELAI: (forced interest and delight) Wow! (noticing the carving on the bed) Look at all the cherubs.
LUKE: People have been trying to buy it off me for years, but I always felt that I would eventually find the perfect place to put it, you know?
LORELAI: (walking around the room) Uh-huh.
LUKE: And then the room was done and just sitting there, and I remembered the day you came down to that storage unit, and you saw the furniture, and you said you liked it.
LORELAI: I did?
LUKE: Yeah! And since you liked it and I've been looking for a place to put it, I figured...
LORELAI: When did I come to your storage unit?
LUKE: Five years ago. You needed to borrow that space heater.
LORELAI: Oh, right.
LUKE: And look. (picks up and old painting of a boat - assuming there are a few more of those) I haven't had a chance to put these up. Aren't they great?
LORELAI: (same forced tone) Yes. Yes, they are.
LUKE: Yeah, I was tempted to get them reframed, but it just didn't seem right. (Lorelai notices the mirror of the dresser. It looks like it belongs to a fun House)
LORELAI: Oh. I've got one big eye. That's fun.
LUKE: Yeah, that's the original glass. You can't find that anymore. So, you sure you like it?
LORELAI: I love it.
LUKE: Great. OK. Well...let's get downstairs, 'cause I am making risotto. (they chuckle and Luke exits the room)
LORELAI: (a bit disappointed walk out after him) I just love it.
(OPENING CREDITS)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion dining room, morning. Emily is sitting at the table reading her newspaper. Rory walks in and heads towards the kitchen. They don't exchange a word. The maid -Sumatra- starts pouring Emily some coffee as Rory walks out of the kitchen with a muffin in hand. She starts to exit the dinning room as Emily starts to talk to the maid)
EMILY: Sumatra, please get my granddaughter a plate.
RORY: That's all right, Sumatra. I'm just going up to my room.
EMILY: Sumatra, please tell my granddaughter that all food is to be consumed in the dining room.
RORY: Sumatra, please tell my Grandmother "What?!"
EMILY: That's the rule in this house, Rory.
RORY: I'm late for community service.
EMILY: Food in this house is meant to be consumed in the dining room or not at all.
RORY: What about when you take your tea outside on the patio?
EMILY: That is in the afternoon. This is morning, and in the morning you eat your food at the table, in the dining room...
RORY: (cuts Emily off by leaving the muffin on the table with a tude) Fine. I'll be back this afternoon. (exits the dinning room while Emily stares at the muffin. She turns to look t the maid and the maid looks back)
EMILY: (to Sumatra) Well, if you expect that muffin to fly back to the kitchen, you better go get it a cape. (Sumatra takes the muffin and exits to the kitchen. Emily goes back to reading her newspaper, looking upset)
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, morning. Sookie is cooking when Lorelai walks in holding a stack of papers and envelopes)
LORELAI: Hey!
SOOKIE: I have to go to China.
LORELAI: Enjoy your flight.
SOOKIE: I need inspiration. I need ideas. I'm tapped-out. Boring. You know what's on the menu tonight?
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: Goose with oyster stuffing.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: I know. But that's all I could come up with. And then the only reason I thought of that was because Davey just learned "duck duck goose," and the ducks looked puny, so there you go.
LORELAI: Well say "Hi" to Yao Ming for me.
SOOKIE: Will do. (takes an envelope that Lorelai has brought in and starts to open it) What is this?
LORELAI: This is a formal invitation, written by me, on the dragonfly notepad, about five minutes ago, inviting you and Jackson to a housewarming dinner at my newly completed pad.
SOOKIE: (Gasps) It's done.
LORELAI: Done!
SOOKIE: Saturday night.
LORELAI: I've heard it's all right for fighting. Get a little action in.
SOOKIE: Wow. Your house is done. This is so exciting! How does it look?
LORELAI: It, uh, looks great.
SOOKIE: It, uh, does?
LORELAI: Yeah.
SOOKIE: Why do you hate it?
LORELAI: I don't hate it. It's beautiful. It's just...What if Jackson brought home a set of his grandmother's pots and pans? Now, obviously, you need some pots and pans, and these are free and all, but they're really old. And you don't want to hurt Jackson's feelings 'cause he feels very sentimental about the pans, but they've got fat cherubs carved all over them, and you just don't want them.
SOOKIE: Do the cherubs interfere with the actual cooking function, or are they just decorative?
LORELAI: Well, decorative is a wildly generous description, but function's fine.
SOOKIE: What happened to my old pots and pans?
LORELAI: Uuh...Gone. Thrown out.
SOOKIE: Can I get them back?
LORELAI: Babette's nephew, Gary, is sleeping on them.
SOOKIE: Sleeping on them?
LORELAI: I'm not really talking about pans, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Well, what are you talking about?
LORELAI: I'm talking about Luke's grandmother's bedroom furniture that he set up in my brand-new bedroom.
SOOKIE: Oh.
LORELAI: And he loves this furniture.
SOOKIE: And you don't?
LORELAI: No, I don't. But it shouldn't matter, right?
SOOKIE: Why not?
LORELAI: Look at everything Luke has done for me. I mean he bought and then he un-bought the Twickham House, and then he almost bought it again, and then he decided to live at my house because I wanted to live at my house.
SOOKIE: Yeah, he did.
LORELAI: He has turned his whole life upside down for me. He does everything in his power to make me happy and give me what I want, so can't I just give him this one little thing?
SOOKIE: Yes, you can.
LORELAI: No, I can't. The bed is small and really low, perfect for tiny, shrunken limbs that can't be too far off the ground. And then he has this ancient dresser with the original fun-house mirror in it so that when I wake up every morning, and I am at my most visually vulnerable, I'll look in there and think I'm that kid from "Mask."
SOOKIE: You can replace the mirror.
LORELAI: Oh, no. He loves the mirror. And the bed, and the dresser, oh, and the paintings! Did I say about the paintings?
SOOKIE: No.
LORELAI: Of sailboats?
SOOKIE: Ohh.
LORELAI: There's six of them. Six sailboats waiting to sail me away to an old-folks home. And then, when the wind's right, drop me off at the pearly gates. I'm hateful and selfish.
SOOKIE: No, you're not.
LORELAI: I just want my new house to be perfect. Half that crap in there was hand-me-downs to begin with. You know I had that old bed that Mia let me snag from the Independence Inn. I just wanted something new.
SOOKIE: You have to tell him.
LORELAI: I can't tell him.
SOOKIE: Maybe it's not so bad.
LORELAI: Well, you'll see for yourself
on Saturday night. 7:30?
SOOKIE: Aye, aye, captain.
LORELAI: Huh...(exits the kitchen and Sookie goes back to her cooking)
(CUT to Gilmore mansion, morning. Richard walks in the house and starts walking around and looking through mail while talking loudly in what seems to be an empty house)
RICHARD: Emily! Sorry to be so late. Jenson wouldn't stop talking. The car will be here in 20 minutes to take me to the airport. Remember, I'm not going to be back until Tuesday, so you're going to have to deal with Alejandro yourself. (walks into the sitting room area and sits on a small desk to write a check) I will leave you the check. All you have to do is hand it to him and tell him that if there are any problems I will be back to talk to him on Wednesday. I hope you told the maid to pack my raincoat. Forecasts are predicting Armageddon, apparently. Now, I have a stopover in Las Vegas. Is there anything that you want me to bring you back? (Finn and Colin start walking down the staircase holding boxes full of stuff)
FINN: Your safe return, darling, is all I need.(Richard looks around at the boys with a surprised and confused look)
RICHARD: Who the hell are you?
FINN: Well, if I knew that, I could dismiss my therapist, couldn't I? Though she's very hot.
COLIN: I'm Colin McCrea.
RICHARD: How wonderful for you. (get up from the desk and approaches the boys) What are you doing in my house? Put that box down. Both of you. (the boys put the boxes down) Explain yourselves.
COLIN: Mr. Gilmore, I'm Colin McCrea. You know my father, Andrew McCrea.
RICHARD: Yes, I know Andrew McCrea. What are you doing in my house? Where's Mrs. Gilmore?
FINN: Don't know, mate. Rory let us in.
COLIN: We came over to help her move her stuff.
RICHARD: Move her stuff where?
FINN: To her new place of residence.
RICHARD: What do you mean "new place of residence"? Rory's moving out?
FINN: I hope so. Otherwise, she'll have nothing to wear tomorrow.
RICHARD: That's preposterous! A person doesn't just move out without a word. Where is she? Rory!
FINN: She already left.
RICHARD: Well I want an explanation.
COLIN: We'll have her call you. (starts to pick up his box)
RICHARD: You! You'll ha...What are you doing with that? (pointing at the box) That's my tennis racket.
FINN: I told you she didn't point to the closet on the right.
COLIN: Well then I have no idea what closet she was pointing to.
FINN: I suppose these humidors aren't hers, either. Pity. (to Richard who looks very confused) Any chance you're sick of them? I promise to give them a nice home and show them a picture of you every year at Christmas.(Richard points upstairs and walks away. The boys look at him go) Very tall man, that one. (Colin picks up his box and starts going back upstairs)
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Lorelai is sitting on a table examining the nachos that she has on plate in front of her. Luke comes by her table)
LUKE: They're gonna to get cold.
LORELAI: Are they different?
LUKE: Different than what?
LORELAI: They seem different.
LUKE: They're nachos. Now eat them.
LORELAI: You used baked chips.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: You did, didn't you? You used baked chips and low-fat cheese.
LUKE: I did not... use low-fat cheese.
LORELAI: Ha!
LUKE: How can you tell?
LORELAI: How could you lie?
LUKE: They taste the same!
LORELAI: Oh, the trust, Luke. How are we gonna to make it if you're constantly trying to keep me healthy?
LUKE: Fine. Forget it. Die at 60. (takes the plate and walk away)
LORELAI: Bring me a doughnut while I wait. (Lane notices Lorelai and tries to avoid and ignore her) Hey, Lane. Yoo-hoo! Lane! Whoo! (wildly gesturing) Lane, seriously. Landing planes over here. (Lane gives up and goes over to her table)
LANE: Lorelai. Hey.
LORELAI; Hey. Fill me up here. (Lane fills up Lorelai cup with coffee while avoiding eye contact) Sooo, how's it going?
LANE: Good.
LORELAI: Good. I haven't seen you the last couple days.
LANE: I've been working the lunch shift.
LORELAI: Oh. Something wrong?
LANE: Wrong?
LORELAI: Yeah, you're giving me a Valerie Cherish, you know, and "I don't wanna see that!". (Lane doesn't get it and seems uncomfortable) It's a great show. You should watch it.
LANE: I will.
LORELAI: It's cancelled.
LANE: Oh, sorry.
LORELAI: Well, it's your fault, so...Wow, what's going on here? Usually when I come in, you say "hi", and then I say "hi", and you tell me what's going on in your life, and I tell you what's going on in my life. It's not curing the bird flu or anything, but it's been a nice tradition.
LANE: Rory moved in with me.
LORELAI: She...But why? What happened?
LANE: I don't really know. We haven't had the in-depth conversation yet. She just said she moved out of her grandparents' house and needed a place to crash.
LORELAI: Wow, that's pretty big.
LANE: Yeah. And she didn't tell me if I could say anything to you, so I just assumed I shouldn't.
LORELAI: Right, I get it. I heard nothing. So, it's nice of you to let her crash.
LANE: Hey, she's small. How much room can she take up, right?
LORELAI: Did she bring her books?
LANE: Good point. Are you okay?
LORELAI: Me? Sure. I'm fine. A little curious, but I'm fine.
LANE: Well, when I know more...
LORELAI: Right.
LANE: OK.
LORELAI: OK.
LANE: OK.
LORELAI: OK (Lane walks away and Lorelai is left alone at the table)
(CUT to Lane's apartment, morning. Rory is sitting on the kitchen counter working on her computer. Lane is fussing with prepping a sandwich, which she serves Rory)
LANE: Lunch is served.
RORY: Such service.
LANE: I'm just in it for the tips.
RORY: Underwear first, then pants.
LANE: What a shame I'm away from my snare drum. Want a soda?
RORY: Please. Soda me. (Lane goes over to the fridge to get that soda as Zach walks in)
ZACH: Shampoo's looking low.
LANE: I'll get more tomorrow.
ZACH: (to Rory) Four people in the house sure makes the shampoo go away faster, huh?
RORY: I brought my own shampoo, Zach.
ZACH: Hey, not a judgment, just an observation. (looking at Rory's sandwich on the counter) Two paper towels, huh?
LANE: Relax, Zach. (gives Rory the soda and starts fussing with making her own sandwich)
ZACH: Hey, it's cool. Just paper towels don't grow on trees. They cost money. Use two a day for a month, that's like 60 paper towels. You're looking at 24 rolls per year.
RORY: I'm not staying that long, Zach.
ZACH: Hey, Lane's casa es su casa, apparently. (picks up a box of serial) Oh, cool! Don't have to strain myself by lifting a full box. Excellent.
RORY: I'm not staying that long, Zach.
LANE: She's not staying that long, Zach.
RORY: A couple of days, tops.
ZACH: Yeah? (to Lane) Remember Don? He came for a couple days, tops, once. Six weeks later, he's still here. Ate all my cheese nips. But when I confronted him with the box, he said they were just settling. Dude had cheese-nip breath as he told me they were just settling.
RORY: (her phone starts ringing) Oh my God, Zach, I am not staying that long. (picks up her cell and walks away from the kitchen counter) Hello.
STUART: (on phone) Rory Gilmore, please.
RORY: This is Rory Gilmore. (scene cuts between Lane's apartment and Stuart's office)
STUART: Rory, this is Stuart Woltz, of the Stamford Eagle Gazette.
RORY: Mr. Woltz, yes. Thank you so much for calling me back.
STUART: No problem. Listen I got your message and of course I'll be happy to give you a reference. I'll even make it a great one.
RORY: Really?
STUART: Look, I don't really know what happened with you and Mitchum, but from me to you, you're a sharp kid, and you got a lot going for you. Anybody'd be lucky to have you working for them.
RORY: Thank you so much.
STUART: I know this'll shock you, but you're not the first person who couldn't get along with Herr Huntzberger. It's a pretty big club, actually. Ignore him.
RORY: I plan on doing just that.
STUART: Good. OK, so, just have whoever you want call me, and I'll sing your praises. Sorry I can't hire you at the Gazette, but we don't have any openings right now anyhow, so...
RORY: That's okay. The reference will be plenty.
STUART: Good luck, Rory. I expect to hear great things about you someday.
RORY: I promise not to let you down. Goodbye, Mr. Woltz. (they hang up. Rory starts walking back to the kitchen) Yes!
LANE: Good news?
RORY: References are now officially in order, which is a relief because I've already sent out 125,000 resumes.
LANE: Oh, listen. I forgot to tell you. I may have done something stupid.
RORY: What?
LANE: Well...I kind of told Lorelai that you've moved in here.
ZACH: I'm sorry? "Moved in here"?
LANE: Zach! There must be something else you can do.
RORY: When did you see my mom?
LANE: This morning at Luke's. I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if you wanted her to know or didn't want her to know.
RORY: It's OK. It's fine that she knows.
LANE: Oh, good.
RORY: OK! It's time to get dressed and h*t the pavement. (starts to walk away. Lane stops her)
LANE: Wait. Your sandwich. (passes her the sandwich and Rory takes it)
RORY: Thank you. (exits)
ZACH: Sure, just leave your computer plugged in, sucking up all our energy.
LANE: Zach!
ZACH: What? I'm just writing a song.
(CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, night. Lorelai and Sookie are setting the table for dinner)
SOOKIE: I can't believe you didn't do anything to the kitchen.
LORELAI: What are you talking about? Look at the brand-new napkin holder. It used to be a cow. Now it's a much bigger cow.
SOOKIE: Fine. Forget it. (putting a platter in the oven) Chicken and dumplings going in.
LORELAI: You do know the pile of burgers sitting in the refrigerator is intended for human consumption.
SOOKIE: I never go anywhere without a casserole.
LORELAI: Must make dining out rather awkward.
SOOKIE: Look, if by some chance Luke happens to burn the chicken or overcook the burgers, then we won't starve. If everything turns out perfect, then you can freeze the casserole and eat it for the rest of your life.
LORELAI: Perfect plan. (we hear some arguing from outside and a then Luke and Jackson enter through the kitchen door)
LUKE: Forget it.
JACKSON: There is no shame in using a charcoal chimney.
LUKE: (taking the uncooked burgers out of the fridge and passes one plate to Jackson) It's a gadget. I don't do gadgets.
JACKSON: It takes twice as long.
LUKE: You got someplace to be? (takes out another plate)
JACKSON: No, you just go right ahead and rub those sticks together. I'll just go learn a language or something.
LORELAI: (to Luke) Bernardo.
SOOKIE: (to Jackson) Riff.
LUKE: And a real man doesn't use a charcoal chimney.
JACKSON: Oh, so now I'm not a real man?
SOOKIE: He is too. I have pictures to prove it.
JACKSON: Do you have a spray bottle?
LUKE: For what?
JACKSON: To spray the flames down if they get too high. Or do you just use a hose?
LORELAI: No, he blows them out with his man-breath.
SOOKIE: And then he challenges them to an arm-wrestling contest.
LORELAI: And then he insults the flame's mother and sleeps with its girlfriend. (the men exit the kitchen through the kitchen door) And the next time you come back, you better be carrying food!
SOOKIE: OK. Boys are busy. The chicken's in the oven. Show me the bedroom set.
LORELAI: Sookie.
SOOKIE: I want to see the creepy granny bed.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm trying to rise above it.
SOOKIE: Rise above it later. Let's go. (they start walking towards upstairs)
(CUT to bedroom, continuous. Sookie and Lorelai enter)
LORELAI: Here it is.
SOOKIE: Huh.
LORELAI: It's terrible, right?
SOOKIE: Well, it's...
LORELAI: Terrible?
SOOKIE: Reeeeally terrible.
LORELAI: I told you.
SOOKIE: (sits on the bed) Ow. Oh, my god. (she lies back starts trying to roll around a bit to test it) You can't sleep in this.
LORELAI: Don't worry, I won't. I'm convinced it's haunted, and one night Luke will come back from the bathroom and find nothing but a bloody hook hanging from the cherubs.
SOOKIE: Oh, my God. I just saw the cherubs. (gasps, gets up quickly and stands next to Lorelai) OK, let's think. Maybe if you stripped the wood.
LORELAI: And lit a match?
SOOKIE: Throw on a little gasoline.
LORELAI: I can't tell him I hate it.
SOOKIE: Yeah, you have to. It's horrible.
LORELAI: Yes, but Luke loves this furniture.
SOOKIE: Right. Luke loves this furniture. Luke loves this furniture. Luke loves this furniture?
LORELAI: Yes.
SOOKIE: Has he seen it? (pointing at the dresser) Has he seen this? And that (pointing at one of the paintings) has he seen that? (from downstairs the phone starts to ring)
LORELAI: (chuckles) Come on. (they start to exit)
SOOKIE: (while walking towards the door points at the bedside table with a lamp on it) Oh, now, I know he hasn't seen that.
(CUT to living room, continuous. PA is sitting on the stairs as Lorelai and Sookie walk down. The phone keeps ringing)
SOOKIE: I'm going to check on the chicken. (as they reach the living room the machine beeps)
CHRIS (On answering machine): Hey, Lor (Sookie and Lorelai look a bit surprised), haven't said that in a while.
SOOKIE: Is that... (Lorelai nods)
CHRIS (On answering machine): Anyway, hope you're good. Hope Rory is good. I wanted to talk to you. Nothing terrifying. I think I have good news. (Luke starts to walk in from the kitchen and as he hears the message he stops) In fact, I know I have good news. (Lorelai notices Luke and quickly goes to turn off the machine) Anyhow I'm hoping you'll call me back and...
LORELAI: Hey. How's the food coming? I'm starving.
LUKE: Who was that?
LORELAI: Uuuhh...
LUKE: It sounded like Christopher.
SOOKIE: Bye-bye. (walks away into the kitchen quickly, as Luke moves closer to Lorelai)
LORELAI: Well, if you knew who it was, why'd you ask?
LUKE: Were you going to tell me he called?
LORELAI: Luke, yes.
LUKE: Then why'd you turn the machine off when I walked in?
LORELAI: It was a reflex.
LUKE: Reflex?
LORELAI: Yeah, I panicked. I didn't think. I looked up, and you were standing there.
LUKE: How long has this been going on?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: You talking to Christopher. I assume it's just talking, right?
LORELAI: Yes. No, no. No talking, no anything. There's nothing going on.
LUKE: Fine. (turns to walk away)
LORELAI: Are you leaving?
LUKE: Burgers are done.
LORELAI: Let's talk about this.
LUKE: I don't want to argue in front of guests.
LORELAI: Last time we were over, Sookie breast-fed Martha during appetizers. We owe them.
LUKE: I won't discuss this with people in the house. It's rude.
LORELAI: No, it's rude to silently sulk through dinner and make them feel uncomfortable because they know we're fighting and we're pretending we're not fighting.
LUKE: We're not fighting...Yet. (Luke walks back into the kitchen)
(CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, night. Lorelai, Luke, Sookie and Jackson are having dinner. Jackson is narrating a story, Sookie is quiet and Lorelai and Luke don't really seem to be into the mood)
JACKSON: So, we're standing in a giant pile of manure, and I am screaming, "I asked for extra fish heads!". And he's like, "No, you did not ask for extra fish heads". Oh, I tell you. It was hilarious! (an awkward pause) And of course all the celery guys are staring, and then "tomato" George - we call him "tomato" George. He's got extra time on his hands right now 'cause tomatoes are out of season - anyhow, he steps in and says, "I don't want to hear another thing about the fish heads". (Jackson chuckles as he expects a reaction from his punch line. He gets none) He's from Kansas.
SOOKIE: The burgers are delicious, Luke.
JACKSON: Oh, yeah, I like them burnt. You can't get anyone to really burn a burger anymore.
LORELAI: The chicken and dumplings are good, too. (Luke looks t Lorelai accusingly) What? (he snorts) Nice snort.
LUKE: I didn't snort.
SOOKIE: (nervously) People in Kansas talk funny. (chuckles to relieve the tension. It doesn't work)
JACKSON: Did I miss something?
SOOKIE: Always, honey.
LORELAI: It's nothing, Jackson.
JACKSON: Oh. I bet I know what's going on.
LUKE: Nothing's going on, Jackson.
JACKSON: Oh, yes, it is. It is not lost on me that the burgers with my world-famous rub are almost gone, while your butter burgers are still sitting there on the plate. You a little humbled now?
SOOKIE: Jackson.
JACKSON: My burgers are better! (to Luke) Admit it! I demand satisfaction.
SOOKIE: Sorry. He's just so excited to be around grown-ups.
JACKSON: Hey.
LUKE: No. That's fine. He's right. His burgers are better.
JACKSON: Thank you. I crown thee burger king.
LUKE: I can admit it. I have no trouble telling someone something no matter how uncomfortable it might make them.
LORELAI: Wow. They'll be debating the subtle complexities of that comment for years.
JACKSON: Okay, I did miss something.
SOOKIE: Lorelai and Luke are fighting.
LUKE: We're not fighting.
LORELAI: No, we don't fight in front of company.
LUKE: It's rude.
LORELAI: Yeah, and we wouldn't want to be rude.
LUKE: It's fine. Just eat. What's that?
LORELAI: Chicken and dumplings?
LUKE: Who the hell made chicken and dumplings?
LORELAI: Sookie, our guest, who we don't want to be rude to.
LUKE: I'm not the one who started this.
LORELAI: I'm sorry. Are we talking about this now?
LUKE: You knew how I'd feel about it...
LORELAI: And you have absolutely no reason to be upset.
LUKE: I don't? You were hiding...
LORELAI: I wasn't hiding anything.
LUKE: You hung up the phone just as I came...
LORELAI: You didn't let me explain. I was about to tell you what happened
LUKE: At that moment, it was not appropriate to talk about it...
LORELAI: So you'd rather just sit and stew and be mad for no reason?
LUKE: So, it was just a weird coincidence that I walk in and Christopher happens to be leaving a message, and it happens to be the first time you've had contact with him in a month?
LORELAI: In a year, Luke! The last time I saw him was the last time you saw him!
LUKE: Well, I don't believe in coincidences.
LORELAI: This is not fair!
LUKE: I have a right to expect honesty from my fiance!
LORELAI: OK! You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. I hate that bedroom set. It's old and creepy, and I hate it.
LUKE: You told me you loved it.
LORELAI: I have absolutely no memory of coming to your storage unit five years ago and telling you I love that furniture. (Sookie and Jackson loon on the argument quiet and uncomfortable)
LUKE: Well thank you very much for your honesty about my grandmother's furniture. Too bad you're not a little more forthcoming about the other men in your life.
LORELAI: Oh, my god. Enjoy Wisteria Lane, you major drama queen.
LUKE: I'm done. (gets up off the table and walks out of the house)
LORELAI: (yelling after him) Wrap yourself in a towel and trip over a hedge on your way out!
SOOKIE: Are you okay?
LORELAI: I'm fine. I'm sorry, you guys. I'll give Paul Anka the burger. (gets up, takes her plate and walks out of the kitchen)
JACKSON: Was it because I brought up my meat rub?
SOOKIE: Yes, it was.
(CUT to Luke's apartment, same night. Luke is sitting on his armchair drinking a beer, and we hear a knock on the door)
LUKE: Come in. (Lorelai enters holding a plate and approaches him)
LORELAI: OK, see...Once we're married, you're not going to be able to run away to your clubhouse anymore. You're going to have to join a rotisserie baseball league with the rest of the men.
LUKE: When we're married, huh? Gee, when's that going to be?
LORELAI: I brought you something to eat. You're going to need sustenance if we're going to go another 10 rounds.
LUKE: I'm never going to be okay with Christopher being in your life.
LORELAI: I'm always going to have Christopher in my life.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: (sits on the coffee table opposite Luke and puts the plate down) He is... Rory's father. I can't change that. Today was the first day I heard Christopher's voice in a year, and I would have told you.
LUKE: We can't hide things from each other.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: I'm not going to like it when Christopher calls, but we have to tell each other everything.
LORELAI: Agreed.
LUKE: That's the only way this is going to work.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: You really hate the bedroom set?
LORELAI: Oh, I really hate the bedroom set. But I'm sorry I told you like that.
LUKE: Yeah, well... (takes a deep breath) So, how are Sookie and Jackson doing?
LORELAI: I think they enjoyed watching a show for once that didn't have la-la playing the guitar.
LUKE: Come here.
LORELAI: (sliding over to sit on Luke's lap) I want a barbie and a pony and roller skates and roller skates for the barbie and for the pony. (they kiss)
LUKE: No secrets?
LORELAI: Cross my heart and hope to die.
LUKE: Oh, I hate that saying.
LORELAI: No secrets. (they kiss again) Luke.
LUKE: (gives her peck on the lips) Yeah?
LORELAI: When I was in fifth grade, I told everybody Erik Estrada was my boyfriend and that we used to make out on his motorcycle.
LUKE: Shh. (they kiss again)
(CUT to Stamford Eagle Gazette reception desk, morning. Audrey, the receptionist, is answering several calls, the office looks busy. Rory is sitting by the desk waiting. Stuart Woltz walks quickly to the reception desk and when Rory notices him perks up)
AUDREY: (on phone head set) Stamford Eagle Gazette... I'll transfer you. Stamford Eagle Gazette... I'll transfer you. Stamford Eagle Gazette... I'll transfer you. Stamford Eagle Gazette...I'll transfer you.
STUART: (to Audrey) Did Bergman call?
AUDREY: Stamford Eagle Gazette. (passes a note to Stuart, and then point over at Rory) Try the New York Times.
STUART: What?
AUDREY: Trust me. You want the (points again at Rory) Times.
STUART: (confused) What!? What are you pointing to?
RORY: She's pointing at me. (Rory gets up from her seat as Stuart turns around to see her)
AUDREY: Stamford Eagle Gazette.
STUART: Rory Gilmore.
RORY: As you live and breathe.
STUART: (walks up to her) Uh...I'm sorry. Did we, uh...?
RORY: No, we didn't have an appointment. I thought I would come down and talk to you about a job.
STUART: A job?
RORY: A beginning staff writer job, to be exact.
STUART: OK, I think maybe we got our signals crossed earlier. I thought I was clear. I don't have any jobs available.
RORY: No, you were very clear. You said you didn't have any jobs available, and I heard you. I have excellent hearing, among my many other qualifications, which I have listed here on my resume (gives him a big brown envelope)
STUART: (taking the envelope) Your...?
RORY: And my portfolio. (turns and picks up two huge files) Samples of all my writing. All my work from the Yale Daily News, plus a couple spec pieces that I've just recently finished. Ideas, potential pitches, theatre reviews...(Gives him the files)
STUART: Well, I'm sure this is all...
RORY: Look, I know this is very spur-of-the-moment, but I thought maybe we could find a minute to sit and talk with me.
STUART: About what?
RORY: About a job.
STUART: But I don't have any job openings.
RORY: I know, but see earlier, when we were on the phone, you were so positive and optimistic. You said so many complimentary things. I mean, frankly, you made me sound great, so great that I thought, "Hey, you should hire that girl".
STUART: But...
RORY: I already know most of the staff. The rhythm of this place, how it runs. I know where you keep the pens. I have personally fixed the copier in that coffee room on more than 10 occasions. But the bottom line is... Mitchum was wrong. I am a very good writer, and I have great organizational skills, yes, but I know how to come at an article. I have a point of view. A voice. And - huh, big selling point - I am a huge bargain.
STUART: Rory, these are wonderful points, but I have nothing at this moment.
RORY: If you could sit down and talk with me, I bet we could work that out.
STUART: I have no time to sit and talk with you today. I'm sorry.
RORY: Look, I have sent my resume to several other papers. I'm not worried about finding a position. I'm worried about finding the right position. The right place for me. I think this is the right place for me.
STUART: Well it's not the right place for you, because there is no place for you. I have no job openings.
RORY: Give me ten minutes of your time, and I bet I can change your mind.
STUART: I don't have ten minutes. (gives back her portfolio)
RORY: I would be invaluable to you here.
STUART: If I gave you a job, I'd have to f*re Harry. (sets the brown envelope with her resume on top of her portfolio that he?s just handed back to her)
RORY: Five minutes.
STUART: Sorry.
RORY: That's okay. I can wait. (sits back down. Stuart looks at her frustrated for a bit and then walks away)
AUDREY: Stamford Eagle Gazette...Yes, how may I help you?
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. It seems to be the lunch rush. Luke is running around taking orders and serving customers)
LUKE: (setting two plates on an occupied table) Steaks and eggs, tuna melt.
CUSTOMER1: I ordered onions on this.
LUKE: Yes, you did. I'll be right back. (walks over to the counter and yells into the kitchen) Caesar, I got onions coming.
CUSTOMER2: This is not rare/medium-rare. It's more like just rare.
LUKE: Caesar, onions. Gimme. (takes the plate with the "more like rare" order and passes the plate to Caeser) Add a little medium to this rare.
CAESAR: The stove is going blinky.
LUKE: No excuses. Let's go, go, go. (walks over to another table and prepares to take an order)
CUSTOMER3: Cobb salad, no avocado, no bacon, no blue cheese, Italian dressing on the side.
(outside we see through the window a girl on a bike and a very weird bike helmet on riding up to the diner and parking her bike)
LUKE: Something to drink?
CUSTOMER3: Iced tea, two lemons.
LUKE: Got it. (walks back to the counter to pass the order) Caesar, cobb salad, no cobb, just turkey. Where's that burger? (the girl with the helmet still o her head walks in the diner and goes up to the counter)
CAESER: The stove is going...
LUKE: ...blinky, I know. Use the broiler.
APRIL: (to Luke) Luke Danes? Excuse me. Are you Luke Danes?
LUKE: Yeah, grab a seat. (pouring iced tea in a class) I'll be with you in a moment. (passing the glass to a customer sitting on the counter) Iced tea, two lemons.
CUSTOMER4: But I didn't...
APRIL: You're Luke Danes.
LUKE: (starts to write something on his order pad) Yes, kid, I'm Luke Danes. (notices the funny helmet) What the hell are you wearing?
APRIL: A bike helmet.
LUKE: For what kind of bike?
APRIL: A Schwinn.
LUKE: OK.
APRIL: When you fall off your bike, you fall on your face.
LUKE: Fine.
APRIL: You could lose your teeth or hurt your neck.
LUKE: Whatever. What do you want to eat?
APRIL: Nothing.
LUKE: Then I need the stool space.
APRIL: You told me to sit here.
LUKE: Well, I thought you were going to order something.
CAESER: Burger, rare!
LUKE: Yeah! (runs back up at Caeser, April follows) Where's my onions?
CAESER: I forgot the onions.
LUKE: Get my onions! (passes back the plate and notices April smiling at him. He walks to her on the other side of the counter) Look, kid, whatever you're selling...
APRIL: I'm not selling anything.
LUKE: I know, but I'm working, I'm bus...Will you take that thing off?
APRIL: OK...(starts to take off the helmet. It seems to not be so easy) it takes a minute. (Luke sighs as he waits for her to take the thing off. Finally she does and sets it on the counter) OK...it's off. Can I talk to you now?
LUKE: Talk fast.
APRIL: I need your hair.
LUKE: Excuse me?
APRIL: With the roots.
LUKE: For what?
APRIL: I go to Martin Van Buren Middle School over on Woodbridge. Do you know it?
LUKE: No.
APRIL: Well, every year Samuel Polotsky wins the science fair. Now, it's very important that I b*at him this year because I hate him. This year I have the perfect project. I'm going to take hair samples from three men, run DNA tests on them, and figure out which one's my father.
LUKE: What?
APRIL: My uncle works for a lab in Hartford, so he's going to oversee me. But I'll be doing all the actual work myself.
LUKE: I'm sorry. Did you say your father?
APRIL: Yeah, see, science fairs have gotten so political lately. It's no longer the simple act of science being appreciated. There's got to be a twist, a gimmick. Something flashy. I figure this is perfect. Real science, DNA testing, with a flash of human drama. "Who's my daddy?". Huh? Catchy, right?
LUKE: I don't understand. I'm not...
APRIL: I already have the other two samples. This is my last stop. I go to the lab tomorrow, and the fair's on the 16th. And, if I win, there's going to be a banquet on the 18th, and you get to choose any two kinds of spaghetti that you want. There's going to be at least ten options, though I know what I'm getting. Split order, half mushroom, half mizeethra cheese.
LUKE: No!
APRIL: Yes, that's what I'm getting.
LUKE: No. I mean, no. I'm (April reaches out and grabs some hair off Luke)...Ow! (she takes out a camera and takes a picture of him)
APRIL: Thanks. (picks up her helmet and leaves) Wish me luck! (Luke is left looking after her very confused)
(CUT to Stamford Eagle Gazette reception desk, morning. Rory is sitting at the reception desk area reading a paper. Stuart and Harry pass by her and are talking about something work related)
STUART: We can't print the letters, Harry.
HARRY: But if they're true? What if Gonzalez really is taking these payoffs? It would finally make the city-council elections interesting.
STUART: We have no idea who's making these accusations. It could be a hoax. Kids with too much time on their hands, no dates for the prom.
HARRY: Or it could be a rival candidate. Now wouldn't that be fun?
STUART: Yes, that would be fun.
HARRY: Then let's have some fun. (notices Rory) Hey, Rory.
RORY: Hi, Harry. (Stuart notices Rory sitting in the reception area and looks at her surprised. She gets up from her seat and starts to follow them around)
HARRY: OK, so, we don't print the letters, but if we can track down the person who's sending them.
STUART: How?
HARRY: I don't know. We do a paper analysis, rummage through trash cans.
STUART: Very dignified.
HARRY: Or maybe we can just call the guy up. Tell him we know he's sending the letters, lie, see if we can smoke him out.
RORY: You know, you can use language-analysis software to ID an author by comparing his writing style to known writing samples.
HARRY: What?
RORY: Yeah. That's how Joe Klein was unmasked as the author of "Primary Colours."
STUART: Hell, it's worth a try.
HARRY: Great. (Harry walks away looking pleased)
STUART: Good idea, Rory.
RORY: Thanks, boss.
STUART: I'm not your boss.
RORY: Not yet, boss, but give me five minutes of your time...
STUART: I don't have five minutes. (starts to walk away from her)
RORY: OK, I can wait.
STUART: Oh, boy.
RORY: (calls after him) You know where to find me. (watches Stuart walk away for a bit and then turns around to leave)
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn, morning. Michel is organising the bookshelves. Lorelai walks in with more books in her hand)
LORELAI: More books.
MICHEL: Urgh. What is wrong with people? Don't they know the written word is d*ad?
LORELAI: Uh, books are back. Oprah says. Did we order the new box slips yet?
MICHEL: Yes, and the envelopes. And the linen-delivery service has been replaced by one that actually has trucks that turn on. And I hired a horse whisperer because Cletus has been acting very needy lately, and I get enough of that from you.
LORELAI: Well, you're just perfect.
MICHEL: Oh. And I got a call from someone who wanted a job reference for Rory.
LORELAI: What?
MICHEL: Don't worry. I said nice things. I did not mention how she used to steal stamps and sit in my chair. I said she was very responsible and a hard worker, and now you owe me the weekend off.
LORELAI: A job reference?
MICHEL: Yes.
LORELAI: From who?
MICHEL: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Who was calling? Who was inquiring? Who was asking?
MICHEL: Someone who needed to hire someone.
LORELAI: What kind of job was it?
MICHEL: I don't know.
LORELAI: What was the name of the company?
MICHEL: he told me but I do not remember.
LORELAI: Michel.
MICHEL: What? I'm not an answering machine. I do not have "Sony" stamped on my forehead.
LORELAI: Miche... (her cellphone starts ringing) Forget it. Hello?
(CUT to Gilmore mansion, continuous. Richard is on the phone. The scene cuts between Lorelai at the Dragonfly and Richard back at the mansion)
RICHARD: Lorelai, your mother's missing.
LORELAI: What?
RICHARD: I came home from Seattle, and she wasn't here. The bed doesn't look like it's been slept in.
LORELAI: You have maids, dad. They probably made the bed.
RICHARD: Your mother fired the maid. As far as I know, a new one hasn't been hired yet. Plus, I haven't heard from her in two days. I had a couple of phone calls yesterday, but they were fuzzy. I couldn't hear the other person, and then they hung up.
LORELAI: Well, that could have been mom.
RICHARD: Rory's moved out. Did you know this?
LORELAI: Yes, I heard. What happened?
RICHARD: Oh, I don't know what happened. I came home the other day and two strange boys were in my house moving Rory's things. She didn't even tell me she was going.
LORELAI: Did she and mom fight?
RICHARD: How would I know? I don't know where your mother is.
LORELAI: Did you call her cell?
RICHARD: No, I did not call her cell. In addition to losing my wife, I lost all control of my faculties. Of course I called her cell!
LORELAI: Well I don't know what to tell you dad. I haven't heard from mom or Rory.
RICHARD: I'm calling the club. If you hear anything, you must call me immediately.
LORELAI: I will.
RICHARD: Don't be smart.
LORELAI: I'm not being smart. If I hear anything, I'll call.
RICHARD: Fine. (they hang up, and Lorelai goes to the Inn's kitchen)
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, continuous. Sookie is cooking as Lorelai walks in heading for the coffee maker clearly distracted)
SOOKIE: Hey. What's wrong? Is something wrong? (walks up to Lorelai) Are you upset? Did Luke bring home his great-aunt's living room set?
LORELAI: I don't want coffee.
SOOKIE: OK, well, that's your choice.
LORELAI: Something's going on, Sookie.
SOOKIE: What?
LORELAI: I don't know. Rory moved out, and my mother is awol. So they must have had a fight or something. Something happened there, something big. And of course I don't have Rory's cellphone number because I had to give her space like a big, stupid idiot. (takes her cellphone out and dials someone) I should have my head examined. Remind me to have my head examined.
SOOKIE: Wait...Rory moved out?
LORELAI: And my mother is missing, and my father's a basket case, and I don't know what to think. (on phone) Hi, mom, it's Lorelai. You have got to call me when you get this message. OK. Dad is frantic, and we don't know where you are, so just call my cellphone as soon as possible. We just want to know that everything's all right. OK, bye.
SOOKIE: What do you think all that's about?
LORELAI: I don't know, but I'm going to go find out. (exits the kitchen through the back door and Sookie returns to her cooking)
(CUT to outside, morning. Lorelai is walking up to Lane's apartment. We hear music coming from inside. Lorelai knocks the music stops and Brian answers the door. Zach is also in the house)
BRIAN: Hey, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hey. Brian, I'm looking for Rory.
BRIAN: Oh, she's not here.
LORELAI: She is staying here?
BRIAN: Right.
ZACH: And if you see her, you might want to mention that we're mysteriously out of dish soap.
BRIAN: We're also out of sponges.
ZACH: We are? You didn't tell me we were out of sponges. Lorelai, come on.
LORELAI: Come on what, Zach?
ZACH: I'm just saying. She's your daughter. Maybe you should chip in a little rent.
LORELAI: Zach, didn't you guys use my garage as rehearsal space, rent free, for about two years?
BRIAN: Three, actually.
LORELAI: Three years. Thank you, Brian. Yeah, so, I'll tell you what, Zach. Why don't I give you $40 for Rory, and you can give me $1,200 for the garage? What do you think? We got a deal?
ZACH: Hey, whoa, relax. I was just joking. We're cool. (Lorelai cell starts ringing)
BRIAN: You wanna to come in and wait for her?
LORELAI: I'm good. Thanks for the offer. (gets her phone out and answers it) Hello?... Mom, thank God. Have you called dad?... Where are you?...What? What are you... OK, just stay there, mom...Now, what was the hangar number again?
(CUT to inside plane, morning. Lorelai comes on the plane seeking Emily)
LORELAI: Mom?
EMILY (OS) : I'm in the cockpit!
LORELAI: Oh. Add that to the list of things I never thought I'd hear my mother say.
EMILY: (comes out from the cockpit and starts to examine the plane) Well, hello, Lorelai. What are you doing here?
LORELAI: Oh, I was just in the neighbourhood, you know. How about you? What are you doing here?
EMILY: I'm looking at a plane.
LORELAI: Because?
EMILY: Because you don't do something like buy a plane without looking at it first. I'm not Elvis.
LORELAI: Ah. My mistake. I thought you were. I apologize for sending those policemen badges for Christmas. Mom, dad is pretty worried about you.
EMILY: He is?
LORELAI: Yes, he said you didn't come home last night.
EMILY: I didn't?
LORELAI: Well, he said the bed looked like hadn't been slept in, and you're between maids.
EMILY: Oh, for heaven's sake! I did that. People don't even think I can make a bed? I can make a bed. I usually wind up remaking the bed after the maid makes it because she made it wrong the first place. I wonder if these seats could be moved around.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Yes?
LORELAI: You're not going to buy a plane.
EMILY: Tell your father I'm fine and I'll be home in an hour.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: If you're not going to leave, then help. (takes a measuring tape and gives one end to Lorelai) Hold this up to the window. This plane is a time-share. We'll share it with three other people. The pilot is always on call, which means we can go anywhere we want at the drop of a hat.
LORELAI: Where would you want to go at the drop of a hat?
EMILY: Anywhere, everywhere. I could travel with your father when he works.
LORELAI: You can do that now.
EMILY: Well, I can join him later if I don't want to leave when he leaves.
LORELAI: You can do that now.
EMILY: Well, you and Luke can borrow it. You can take it up to Maine for lobster rolls or down to Florida for some sun. This fabric is just horrible. It has to go. It all has to go.
LORELAI: Mom, you can't replace the fabric.
EMILY: (mocking tone) "Mom, you can't replace the fabric! Mom you can't buy a plane".
LORELAI: It's a time-share. You have to share it with three other people.
EMILY: Then I'll buy the whole damn plane myself!
LORELAI: OK, sorry.
EMILY: You know what? I am tired of all this. I am tired of your attitude toward me. You look at me as a thing of amusement...
LORELAI: I don't.
EMILY: ...Something to be pitied. To feel sorry for. "Poor, out-of-touch Emily. She has nothing. She lives to organize parties and frivolous affairs. Who would want to do that? To be that?".
LORELAI: Mom, I've never thought that.
EMILY: If I want a plane, I'll buy a plane!
LORELAI: OK! Good! Go for it.
EMILY: It's my fault that Rory dropped out of Yale. It's my fault that she didn't go back. It's my fault that she's with Logan. It's my fault that she's not happy. It's my fault. It's all my fault.
LORELAI: It's not your fault.
EMILY: That's right, it's not my fault! I did nothing but take care of her. I bought her clothes. I got her a job. I guided her. I threw parties for her and introduced her to new people, new things, and she just... The way she talked to me, you would have been very proud.
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Oh, yes. She looked at me just like you used to. With that defiant, "who are you to be telling me what to do?" sort of look. Then she left. Packed her things and moved out when I wasn't even there to see her go. No "thank you", no "goodbye". You would have been very, very proud.
LORELAI: Mom.
EMILY: Just let me buy my plane, Lorelai. Let me be frivolous and shallow, won't you, please?
LORELAI: OK. (starts to exit, but turns around) It's not the same, mom, what happened with Rory. It's not the same.
EMILY: I lost her like I lost you. Feels remarkably similar to me.
LORELAI: You didn't lose her like you lost me. She was never supposed to be there in the first place, she was always supposed to be at school. She just went back where she belonged. (turns) And you didn't lose me. (exits. Emily sits on one of the chairs and starts to cry)
(CUT to Stamford Eagle Gazette reception desk, morning. Rory comes out from the coffee room holding two paper cups. She gives one to Audrey who's on the phone)
AUDREY: (on phone) You're going to have to take that up with Mr.Abrams. Hold, please.
RORY: Three sugars, non-fat milk.
AUDREY: Thank you, sweetheart. (they both sip) God, you make good coffee.
RORY: I've had years of training. You got someone on hold. (leaves to sit down)
AUDREY: Right. (on phone) Thank you for calling. How may I help you? (Stuart walks up to Rory not looking too pleased)
STUART: Rory Gilmore.
RORY: (perking up) Yes, boss?
STUART: (holding up one of the huge files) Is this your portfolio?
RORY: Part of it. I've got more here if you need it. (picks up a seemingly heavy book bag) Clippings and pitches...
STUART: You do not go into other people's offices and leave things on their desks.
RORY: I know. I'm sorry.
STUART: I'm the editor of this paper. For God's sake, my office is private!
RORY: And very tidy.
STUART: Stay out of my office. (gives her the file and starts to walk away. Rory looks a bit upset. He turns around) Five minutes.
RORY: You read it?
STUART: I don't see you moving.
RORY: Did you like it?
STUART: I remember something about you being a bargain? (walks back to his office)
RORY: (following him) Oh, thank you, boss. You won't be sorry, boss. Hey, you're not going to have to f*re Harry, are you?
(CUT to science fair, morning. Luke walks in and starts looking around the booths. He spots April at her booth reading a book. He walks up to her and notices his picture on the top of the booth is circled while there are two other pictures of two other men who's faces are crossed out. She looks up from her book and notices him)
APRIL: Hi?
LUKE: Hi.
APRIL: What are you doing here?
LUKE: Oh, I just came down to see the potato clock.
APRIL: Hmm.
LUKE: It's amazing a potato can do that.
APRIL: Potatoes are extraordinary.
LUKE: So, I guess, uh...
APRIL: Yeah. It's you.
LUKE: And you're sure?
APRIL: Absolutely. You want to see my report? (gives him the report)
LUKE: Uh, yeah. (he takes it and starts going through it a bit) Oh. It's big. (chuckles a bit) Wow, you...sure wrote a lot of...things here. Hey, wait. There's a word in here I know. (chuckles again a little more nervously) So, you're, uh...smart, huh?
APRIL: I've never been tested.
LUKE: But you...you did all this, so you must be smart. (looks at the cover of the report) April Nardini? So, your last name is Nardini?
APRIL: Yes.
LUKE: So, your mom is... (putting two and two together) Anna.
APRIL: Yes.
LUKE: Oh, Anna. Wow. I haven't seen Anna in...
APRIL: ...about 12 years?
LUKE: Yeah. So, uh...how is she? Is she good?
APRIL: Yes.
LUKE: Well, you know, that's...Anna Nardini. Oh, boy. Uh, I think I...I have to sit down.
APRIL: You want my stool.
LUKE: Yeah, thanks. (April gets up, Luke sits) Thanks...I'm just, uh, a little overwhelmed here.
APRIL: You want a capri sun?
LUKE: No, that's OK. So, I'm your father.
APRIL: Yes.
LUKE: I didn't know about you.
APRIL: I know.
LUKE: If I did, I would have, uh...(some people pass by and notice Luke under his picture. Luke to them) Yeah, it's...it's me. Hi. I...I think I'm better now. (get up from the stool)
APRIL: Are you sure?
LUKE: Yeah. That's fine.
APRIL: OK. (sits back)
LUKE: So, sorry you didn't win.
APRIL: It's okay.
LUKE: I feel a little responsible.
APRIL: The solar pizza oven took first. Environmentalism is very in right now.
LUKE: Right, well...Oh. Here. (hand her the report)
APRIL: Oh, you can keep it. I've got copies.
LUKE: OK, thanks. (exhales uncomfortably) So, you want to get some ice cream or something?
APRIL: I can't. The winners have to give a presentation at six.
LUKE: Right. (with a "not so sure" expression on his face) Should I stay?
APRIL: Why?
LUKE: Right. OK. So, I guess...I'll go.
APRIL: OK. Thanks for coming by.
LUKE: Yeah. Thanks for the report. I'll pick up a scientific dictionary on the way home, see if I can figure out what it says.
APRIL: Norton makes a good one.
LUKE: Norton! Got it. OK. OK. (clears his throat) OK. (walks away)
(CUT to Lorelai's house, night. Paul Anka is sitting on the staircase doing noting. Lorelai aimlessly walks around the house and sits on the couch. She turns on the TV and then after a bit turns it off. Picks up a magazine and goes through it for a bit but closes it not long after. She picks up one of PA's balls and calls him)
LORELAI: Hey. Paul Anka. Huh? Fetch! (throws the ball. PA does nothing) Ah, that's it. Let it get a head start. (the telephone starts to ring and Lorelai quickly picks it up) Yes, hello?
RORY: (on the phone) Mom?
LORELAI: Rory!?
RORY: (on the phone) I got a job!
LORELAI: What? Where?
(CUT to Rory in her car, continuous. Scene changes between Rory in her car and Lorelai at home)
RORY: At the Stamford Gazette. It pays less than I'll spend on gas to get there, but it's a job! A writing job.
LORELAI: Yes!
RORY: And I'm going back to Yale. I already called them and talked to my Dean, and it's all arranged. I just have to find someplace to live, but, who cares. I'll figure it out.
LORELAI: And this is what you want?
RORY: Yes!
LORELAI: Are you sure?
RORY: Yes!
LORELAI: Aw, Rory!
RORY: I moved out of grandma's house.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know. I heard.
RORY: Are you home?
LORELAI: Oh, no, I'm not.
RORY: OK, I know you're home, but can I come over?
LORELAI: Yes! Yes! Come over!
RORY: 'Cause I'm staying at Lane's, and I don't know if you want me to, but...
LORELAI: Tell Lane you're moving out and get your butt over here right now.
RORY: Well, okay, if you insist. (takes a turn)
LORELAI: Oh... (hears a car approaching from outside and goes over to the window. She sees Rory's car pulling in the driveway) Oh, my God.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: You look just so much more silver than I remembered. (camera follows Lorelai as she walk to the door to go outside and great Rory)
RORY: Now, come on. Is it too much to expect after a lengthy separation to get some sort of heartfelt greeting? (Lorelai comes out from the house, Rory gets out of the car and they run to each other arms -Lorelai throws the phone on the lawn- and fall into a warm and tight hug) I'm sorry.
LORELAI: You're sorry? I'm sorry.
RORY: I was so mixed-up.
LORELAI: I should have pulled you out of there.
RORY: I was stupid.
LORELAI: No, I was stupid.
RORY: I was more stupid.
LORELAI: Oh, boy. Time to get you back to Yale.
RORY: Love you, mom.
LORELAI: Oh...kid, you have no idea. (they hug tighter)
(CUT to Luke's diner, night. Luke seems distracted as he's wiping one of the tables. Lorelai comes rushing in all excited)
LORELAI: Rory's back.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: She's back. She's back at home, she's back at school, she got a job, and she did it all on her own. (goes behind the counter and starts putting some donats in a take-out container) She's at Lane's picking up her things, and then we're going to pull a major all-nighter. We need burgers, fries, onions rings, and anything else you can think of. Oh! I'm going to go next door and pick up some ice cream at Taylor's. (walks out from behind the counter and up to Luke) She's back. (she kisses him) We can set the date. We can get married now because Rory's back. (goes over to the diner door) Don't skimp on the fries. We don't want to lose her again. (she exits and Luke is left alone and looking miserable)
END Of Episode 6.09 - The Prodigal Daughter Returns | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x09 - The Prodigal Daughter Returns"} | foreverdreaming |
[Before we have the usual previously on collection of scenes.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE - BEDROOM
[Lorelai dressed and sitting on the new bed, not the furniture Luke had in storage. She is putting her boots. She is tilting her head to listening for something or someone.]
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY [OS from the bathroom]: What?
LORELAI: Make an occasional noise so I know you didn't pull an Elvis.
RORY [OS]: Just putting the finishing touches on the face.
LORELAI [snorts]: You're an infant. h*t yourself with a giant powder puff and get out here.
RORY [OS]: I love this bathroom.
LORELAI: Uh, too much! I need the sink.
RORY [OS]: You need my sink? What about the other sink?
LORELAI [gets up and walks to the bathroom door]: Oh! I forgot I had two sinks!
RORY: Well, you do.
LORELAI: Look at this. Two sinks. I'm so decadent. I could brush my teeth over this one and spit into that one.
RORY: This is now my official favourite room in the whole world. Besides the Reading Room at the British Museum. But add a dome ceiling and ten million books and you've got yourself a horse race.
LORELAI: Paul Anka loves this room too.
RORY [laughs]: You ever hear that tape of him chewing out his band after a show? 'When I move, I slice like a hammer! The guys get shirts!'
LORELAI: That's the human Paul Anka.
RORY: I don't believe the canine version exists.
LORELAI: He is just laying low until he figures out you're not going to break his heart or eat his pig's ears or something.
RORY: Well, the chicken's got to show his face so I can prove myself.
LORELAI: So, what all do you have going on today? Oh, she's already got a list going.
RORY [reading]: Follow up calls to Yale to make sure I'm all set up for spring semester, four hours of community service - I'm going to try to stretch it to five because I am tantalizingly close to being done - my engine light was on, but I already took care of that -
LORELAI: This morning?
RORY [noding]: Got to Gypsy's shop before it opened. There was only one other annoying early bird ahead of me, but I bribed Gypsy with a pack of Rolo's and she took me first.
LORELAI: She is such a Rolo whore.
RORY: I've got tons of e-mails to return, and, oh, I've got to get the Eagle-Gazette a bunch of stuff I've written.
LORELAI: Okay. Don't forget to sleep, daughter of mine.
RORY: Eh. And, uh, I've got to unpack and organize everything and that's it, for now.
LORELAI: Okay, but you will have to leave the bathroom to do all that.
RORY: Mm, reluctantly. See you downstairs.[She goes out the room.]
LORELAI [calling after her as she goes down stairs]: Okay. Hey, you have time to eat and hang out with me, don't you? Is that on your microscopic little list there?
RORY [OS]: I've timed out the rest of the morning for you.
LORELAI: Good girl!
RORY [OS, shocked]: Oh! Oh, my God!
LORELAI: What?
RORY [OS]: Come down here!
LORELAI: I'm coming!
LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai comes down to meet Rory on the stairs, she is stunned to see Paul Anka sitting on the coffee table.]
LORELAI: What?
RORY: He has emerged. I'm assuming that's Paul Anka.
LORELAI: Well, it ain't Louis Prima.
RORY: Shoo! Shoo!
LORELAI: What are you doing?
RORY: He shouldn't be on the table.
LORELAI: That's his favorite spot. What are you going to do next, tell him he can't drink out of my water glass?
RORY: Sorry. How should I approach him?
LORELAI: Follow me.
RORY: 'Kay.[They slowly go down the stairs.]
LORELAI: Okay, stop. Now go in the kitchen and put sugar on your toes.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: And quickly! Because first impressions are crucial and you're bl*wing it big time.
RORY: Sugar on my toes?
LORELAI: Yes, he loves sugar, so the first time you come close to him, if you've got sugar on your toes that he can lick and enjoy, you're in.
RORY: He's going to lick it?
LORELAI: Go, quick!
RORY: Okay. [Running to the kitchen, stops at the sink and takes off her shoes.]
LORELAI [OS]: Wet your toes first so it sticks!
RORY: What?
LORELAI [OS]: Dry sugar on a dry toe isn't going to work!
RORY: Oh, jeez. [Turns on the tap and moistens a paper towel to wet her foot, then tips sugar on it, spilling some on the floor.] I'm making a mess.
LORELAI [OS]: Don't worry about the mess!
RORY: We're going to have ants!
LORELAI [OS]: Hurry!
RORY: I'm coming!
[Quickly walking back to the living room. Lorelai is now sitting on the coffee table next to Paul Anka.]
RORY: Okay, my toes are all sugared.
LORELAI: Okay, good! Now do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around.
RORY [wary]: What?
LORELAI: All you have to do is pet him and you're in!
RORY: You're evil.
LORELAI: Yes, I am.
[Paul Anka hops of the coffee table and licks Rory's toes.]
RORY [petting him]: Hey, there, boy! Oh, that tickles!
LORELAI: Well, he's glad you're here! Wait a minute, you're here!
RORY: I know!
LORELAI: Wait right there.
[Lorelai goes into the hall closet.]
RORY: Is this another trick?
LORELAI: No, I'm just getting something. [The "Bop-it" toy makes a noise.]
RORY: You're pulling out the Bop-it? You're already that bored of me?
LORELAI [returns with a hat box]: No. I just accidentally h*t the Bop-it while I was getting this.
RORY: You bought me a hat?
LORELAI: No, it's a hat box, filled with these. [Opening it she and gets out some bits of paper.] These are notes, written on whatever I had on hand at the time. Any time I had a topic I wanted to share with you or a random thought during that crappy time apart of ours, I jotted it down and threw it in the hat box so I wouldn't forget.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: I missed you, kid.
RORY: Missed you too. [Smiling at each other.] So, h*t me with 'em!
LORELAI: While we walk to Luke's. Come on. Some of these are pretty cryptic. [Reading]: Um, Lenny Kravitz - where did Lenny Kravitz -
RORY and LORELAI [together]: Get all his money?
LORELAI: Yes! One h*t and he's buying a Fifth Avenue mansion.
RORY: Maybe he went through Nicole Kidman's wallet when she wasn't looking.
LORELAI: That's got to be it. [Reading another bit of paper] Computer MP down - oh. I want to download music. There's so much out there. Can you help me figure that out? MP3 players?
RORY: I can do that. Next?
LORELAI: Eh, Kirk skeet sh**ting.
RORY: That's a bad combination.
LORELAI: Yeah, it's the first time the town church has taken g*n since the eighteenth century.
RORY: I missed so much so quickly!
[They leave.]
OPENING CREDITS
TOWN SQUARE
[Lorelai and Rory are walking through town, across a street, heading to Luke's, reading more the notes.]
LORELAI: Okay. Babette - cats.
RORY: Death?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Adopted another one?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Recorded their meows, did some editing and cut a record of them singing Ring of f*re.
RORY: Well, that goes straight to the top of my charts.
LORELAI: Oh, I started reading Beowulf, that new translation you recommended.
RORY: The Seamus Heaney? Good for you.
LORELAI: Yeah. And stopped reading Beowulf, jotted on the same slip three minutes later.
RORY: Well, you gave it the old college try.
LORELAI: Oh, this is a new one! Kirk's got a new hobby. He's doing -
RORY [together]: Doing Tai Chi?
LORELAI: How'd you know that?
RORY: Because he's doing it right there.
[Rory points to Kirk, doing Tai Chi on the lawn.]
LORELAI: Is it possible for him to do something without looking a little silly?
RORY: He wouldn't be Kirk then.
LORELAI [reading]: Bendleshnitz? [She shrugs.]
RORY: That's not English.
LORELAI: I know. I'll add it to the ones that I can't make out. And - [reading another] - brazzlefrat.
RORY: Another unreadable one.
LORELAI: They're stacking up! [As they reach Luke's, Lorelai takes Rory's hand.] Okay. Now wait out here.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: It's a thing. A moment thing. Just wait here.
RORY: Okay.
[Lorelai enters.]
LUKE: Hey!
LORELAI: You ready?
LUKE: For what?
LORELAI: For this! The moment you've all been waiting for! [She vibrates her tongue.] Brrrr!
LUKE: What's that?
LORELAI: It's a drum roll.
LUKE: It sounded more like a helicopter.
LORELAI: Well, it's a drum roll, go with it, okay? [Luke murmurs his agreement.] Ladies and gentlemen, Rory Gilmore! [She opens the door.]
RORY [entering]: Hi Luke!
LUKE: Hey, Rory, you're back! [They hug, awkwardly.]
RORY: I'm back!
LUKE: Good! You look good. You look healthy, happy. Huh, here with your mom, both of you here. Yeah, it's great, you know! Yay! [Awkward pause.] I don't think I've ever said 'yay' before. Sounded weird.
LORELAI: A little.
LUKE: Come, sit, sit.
[They sit down.]
RORY: What was that sound you were making?
LORELAI: A drum roll!
RORY: It sounded like a helicopter or something.
LUKE: That's what I said.
LORELAI: Has no one heard a drum roll before?
LUKE: Hey, I saved you the best table in case you showed up.
RORY: In case? It was mandatory.
LUKE: What can I get you? Ah, never mind. I'm going to bring you everything you like. I know what you like.
RORY: Sounds good.
LORELAI: Oh, hey! You were with me when I wrote this. [Holding up a notes.] Uh, what does it say?
LUKE [takes the note]: Oh, this is from that stupid Mexican restaurant we went to.
LORELAI: Right. I wrote something on the other side.
LUKE: Man, this place stunk!
LORELAI: I know, but read the back, there. I've got to know what it says.
LUKE: Look what we paid! Unbelievable.
LORELAI: Downright usurious! Now look at the other side, there. The brazzelfrat?
LUKE: They did charge me for that second beer! I never got it.
LORELAI: Scandalous. But the other side.
LUKE: Six bucks for guacamole.
LORELAI [takes the paper back]: Oh, just bring me what she's having.
LUKE: Coming right up. [He turns to leave.]
RORY: So, Luke, wait! You haven't told me anything about yourself. What's new with you?
LUKE: With me? Uh, nothing. We're engaged, your mom and me.
RORY: I know that, but anything else?
LUKE: No. No, why?
RORY: Just wondering.
LUKE: What have you heard?
RORY: Nothing. That's why I'm asking.
LUKE: Well, there's your answer. Nothing. Nothing's new. [Nods.] I'm going to go put in your order, okay?
RORY: Sure.
[He leaves.]
LORELAI: We'll be waiting hungrily!
RORY: Did I inadvertently step into something there?
LORELAI: No idea.
[Lane comes to the table.]
LANE: Mother and daughter, together again, and all is right with the world. Hi, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hi, Lane.
LANE [to Rory]: So. Next Wednesday night, I need you. Tell me you're not busy.
RORY: I'm not sure, why?
LANE: We're doing a showcase. Me and the band. Not a gig, a showcase. And a label's going to be there. [Lorelai eagerly gasps.] I'm shaking! I shouldn't shake, I'm a drummer! It'll mess up the b*at. But, my God, we're playing for a label.
RORY: Wow! Lane, I'm absolutely there. This is big!
LANE: Very big. Unless it's a 'Waiting for Guffman' thing and the label guys don't show up. Did I just jinx it?
RORY: I don't know. Let's do that un-jinxing thing we used to do, just in case.
LANE: Good.
[They link pinkie fingers.]
RORY and LANE [solemnly, together]: Jinx back, double pinkie, round the side, double pinkie, jinx back. [Clapping their hands twice together.]
LORELAI: Hey, I want to do that!
RORY: It's a serious thing, Mom! You don't just do it.
LORELAI: Sorry.
RORY: Well, Lane, you guys are so prepared for this. That tape you gave me of your new stuff was awesome!
LORELAI: Hey, what if I jinx it! Do I get to do the un-jinxing thing then?
LANE: If we jinx-back a second time within the hour, it cancels out the first jinx-back.
LORELAI: Sorry.
LANE: So, what were your favorites on the tape?
RORY: Well, 'Melissa' was catchy, and 'Colleen Francine'. But that other one - 'Rebecca in the morning'? That was my favorite.
LANE: Mine too!
RORY: Zach's into songs with girl's names, huh?
LANE: He thinks that's our best sh*t at radio play. Worked for the Police, the Knack, Franz Ferdinand.
RORY: Good thinking.
LANE: Hey. Do you want to be our DA Pennebaker? We're borrowing a video camera, and we need someone sober to do the photography.
RORY: I could set my crack pipe aside for the night and do that.
LANE: Thanks! [Taking out her notepad.] You plus one, right?
RORY: Plus one?
LANE: You plus Logan?
RORY: No. Just me.
[Lorelai looks concerned.]
LANE: Oh, okay. How about you, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Working that night, sweetie, but break a leg. Does that get me a hand thingy?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Rats.
LANE: See you guys.
[She leaves.]
LORELAI: So, just you, huh?
RORY: Just me.
LORELAI: Okay!
RORY: As long as you're prying -
LORELAI: I wasn't.
RORY: Briefly, succinctly, Logan and I are not talking right now.
LORELAI: Ah.
RORY: We had a fight. A big one, in public.
LORELAI: Oops.
RORY: I think we just needed a little break, a least I did. It's more like a hiatus.
LORELAI: Well, sometimes a break is good.
RORY: Sometimes.
[Luke brings them their food.]
LUKE: Food. First wave only. Second wave, five minutes.
RORY: Let's dig in.
LORELAI [eagerly]: I hope it's not cold. Oops, I think I jinxed it!
[She holds up her hand and Rory plays along.]
RORY and LORELAI [together]: Jinx back, double pinkie, round the side, double pinkie, jinx back.
LORELAI: Woo!
DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN
[The kitchen is busy with staff and Sookie cooking.]
SOOKIE: Okay, where's the onions for my sauce? Who's my onion man?
CARL: Right here, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Okay, right here, Carl. I need them right there. Okay? Get the shallots in it. It's time. It's time! [She tastes a sauce.] Okay. Needs more garlic. Come on. Godfather it up for me. [To the woman chopping herbs] Good! Good, good, good. Good, good. Okay. If you can travel back in time and make me not make the veal and ham pate, I'd appreciate it. Talk me out of these things in the future, guys.
LORELAI [comes up behind her]: Hello!
SOOKIE: Hello!
LORELAI: Could you step away from the pan, please?
SOOKIE: Honey, do you see a joystick? This is not a game. Okay? It's a heche sauce and it's for keeps!
LORELAI: Put it down!
SOOKIE [turns to Lorelai]: Okay! What?
LORELAI [calling]: Okay!
[Rory comes in, Sookie shrieks in excitement throwing her hands in the air. They h*t Carl in the face, knocking him over, a bowl of food is knocked to the floor.]
SOOKIE [hugs Rory]: Oh, my God!
RORY: Hi Sookie!
SOOKIE: You're here! You're with us! Oh, look, I missed you!
RORY: I missed you!
SOOKIE [gasps, to Lorelai]: This means you can set a wedding date. No impediments!
LORELAI: Yeah. I already told Luke.
SOOKIE [breathless]: Hyperventilating! [She gives a thumbs-up signal to Rory and Lorelai how look worried.] Hyperventilating! I was just working on my list of what to make for Thanksgiving and I was wishing you were going to be here and now you are! [Still gasping] Oh my God! What if what I'm wishing for is actually coming true?
LORELAI: Quick! Wish for a Sephora to be built within walking distance.
RORY: Do you need a paper bag?
SOOKIE: I'm good, I'm good. Just happy. [She sighs. Michel enters.]
MICHEL [smiles cheerfully]: Rory!
RORY [amazed]: Oh, hi! Wow, Michel.
MICHEL [back to serious voice]: Hi.
LORELAI: Boy, that was weird.
MICHEL: She just surprised me, that's all. [To Rory] It's kind of okay that you are here.
RORY: It's kind of okay with me too.
SOOKIE [shouting suddenly]: Lunch!
RORY: What?
SOOKIE [points at Rory forcefully]: Lunch! I'm making you lunch!
RORY: But we just -
LORELAI: Don't fight it.
SOOKIE: It just came to me. Kebabs. Okay, drop everything, boys! We're making kebabs for Rory, and pot stickers! Okay, throw everything out. This is a celebration! Woo!
LORELAI: Let's get to higher ground.
[Rory and Lorelai turn to leave the kitchen.]
LANE'S HOUSE
[Band meeting.]
ZACH: Okay, we're opening with Melissa, closing with Dear Maureen. Those are great bookends, it's the middle part that's screwing us up.
GIL: Aw, man, I wish we had one more ballad.
ZACH: I'm half finished with one, but it's not going to be ready in time. [Singing] I saw her, in the mist she came walking by, Stella. Now a blur, made a list of what I like about her, Stella.
BRIAN: Cool!
GIL: Yeah! It's got a nice Fountains of Wayne meets the Shins crossed with Odyssey-era Zombies, and a mix of early Who and mid-to-late-era Replacements vibe to it.
ZACH: Well, that's what I was going for. Still hunting for that middle eight, you know?
LANE: So, um, it's called Stella?
ZACH: Yeah, I guess. Didn't you like it?
LANE: No, it's good. It's just - it's another girl's name.
ZACH: So?
GIL: If he were singing about dudes, I'd be out the door before you could say 'See ya'!
ZACH: Look, Lane, you know how I write. I think about people that I've known and I draw inspiration from that.
LANE: I know, it's just, no big deal or anything, but have you ever thought to write one about, I don't know, a girl named Lane?
ZACH: Well, Lane just isn't that great of a name for a song.
LANE: But you've already got one called Lorraine. Lorraine is pretty much Lane with an extra syllable thrown in.
ZACH: True, but nothing rhymes with Lane.
LANE: I'm sorry, but a million things rhyme with Lane.
ZACH: Yeah, rain. Pain. All cliché stuff. You're not a writer.
BRIAN: I think you could come up with non-cliché stuff to rhyme with Lane.
ZACH: Wait, maybe I could write one about your Korean name. What was that again?
LANE: Hyung-hyung?
Zach [cringes]: O for two. Look, it's not your fault. You didn't pick your name, your mom did.
LANE: Right. I didn't pick it.
ZACH: Okay, so. Where were we? Oh. Lorraine. Where should Lorraine go?
GIL: Try it after Rebecca.
BRIAN: It's not as good a transition as going from Rebecca to Linda Marie.
ZACH: True is true.
GIL: Man. I wish Stella was ready.
[Lane looks unhappily at Zach.]
DRAGONFLY INN - DINING ROOM
[Rory and Lorelai are sitting at a table piled with food, Lorelai is reading more notes.]
RORY: Three days.
LORELAI: Three days he had the hiccups.
RORY: Poor Paul Anka.
LORELAI: And by sneaking up on him to scare them out of him, he jumped so high, his head split my lip. See the red? My blood.
RORY: Yuck.
LORELAI: Oh. Um, here's a non-fun one. Just to mix it up a little.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Your dad called.
RORY: Wow. It's been, like a year, hasn't it? When did he call?
LORELAI: The very worst possible time.
RORY [rolls eyes]: He's got a knack for that.
LORELAI: I didn't talk to him. He left a message, some of which Luke overheard and it freaked him out.
RORY: That's understandable.
LORELAI: And we argued, see? Arguing's not just for the younger demographic.
RORY: Nice to know.
LORELAI: But then we made up and we had a good talk and then I listened to the rest of Christopher's message and he wants to see me.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: He didn't say. He sounded very chipper. He said he had something very important to discuss with me, and that it wasn't a trick, and that it was an absolute one hundred percent positive thing for me and for you.
RORY: For both of us.
LORELAI: Mm-hm.
RORY: Meaning there's a ninety-nine and ninety-nine one hundredths percent chance that it won't be.
LORELAI: I guess so. So what should I do?
RORY: You could ignore him.
LORELAI: That's dangerous, too.
RORY: It's a slippery slope with Dad.
LORELAI: What could it be about? I mean, he wouldn't dare be in cahoots with Emily and Richard on something, would he?
RORY: He's not that dumb.
LORELAI: Yeah, but he's vulnerable. They prey on the weak.
RORY: But he said it's something positive. It couldn't involve them.
LORELAI: Maybe he's getting back together with his wife.
RORY: Well, that's not technically good news for us, it's just news.
LORELAI: Maybe it's about Gigi. Maybe he's discovered she's a prodigy. Maybe he's calling to invite us to her premiere at Carnegie Hall.
RORY: Playing what instrument?
LORELAI: The flugle horn.
RORY: She's three. We would have read about it in the paper by now. 'Freakishly talented three-year-old flugle horn prodigy discovered'.
LORELAI: It would be very positive news.
RORY: Hm. Well, I'm out.
LORELAI: Me too. '
RORY: I guess there's only one way to find out.
LORELAI: Guess so. [groaning] Brazzlefrat.
RORY: Bendleschnitz.
LUKE'S DINER
[Liz buttering a baking pan standing behind the counter.]
LIZ: Thank you so much, big brother. What a godsend you are.
LUKE: Yeah. God sent me to help you and now he must pay.
LIZ [to a customer]: You know, I've never made dinner for twelve people before. Actually I've never made dinner before. See, I'm making rolls for my thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, and I just don't have the oven space. Or the oven.
LUKE: Just hurry, Liz.
LIZ [to the same customer]: See, I've got a convection oven and a microwave, and that's going to take care of everything else. See, I'm a student of Martha. You know Martha Stewart? She's a genius.
LUKE: Don't bother the customers, Liz.
LIZ: You know, they're all Renaissance Faire people coming to this thing, Luke. You know some of them.
LUKE: Goody.
LIZ: Larry with the 'k*ll 'em all' tattoo on his face, and Freddy, the guy who doesn't have thumbs.
LUKE: Don't tell me, he's hitch hiking in.
LIZ [laughing]: You're funny. Really, Luke, I'm calling you Yakov from now on!
LUKE: Just try not to be too intrusive, please, Liz?
LIZ: Yes, sir! [She hits the package on the counter over and over again.] Hey, that's fun!
LUKE: Okay. This is not what I call not being intrusive.
LIZ: Okay, I know this. Two 'not's is a double negative which makes it a positive, and - you know what, this is where I always lose my train of thought.
LUKE: You're intruding.
[Liz peels back the paper on the tube and it open up. Laughing, she looks at the dough inside.]
LIZ: Is this one roll? It's crazy!
LUKE: You separate 'em.
LIZ: Oh, boy. My carpal tunnel. That's going to make doing this impossible. [To the customer] Hey, do you mind giving me a hand? [Luke takes the package from Liz.] No, you don't have to do that!
LUKE: Yes, I do.
LIZ: If you insist. [Luke begins to separate the dough and places it on the tray.] I'll, uh, grab me a cup of coffee.
SOPHIE'S MUSIC SHOP
[The band is looking around the shop.]
LANE: So, Sophie, you've done, like, big show gigs before playing the piano. Any advice?
SOPHIE: Don't wear a clown suit.
LANE: Thanks.
Zach [touching a guitar]: Still got my eye on this beauty.
SOPHIE: Just don't put your hand on it.
ZACH: Maybe I'll splurge and get it. You take MasterCard?
SOPHIE: Why, you got one?
ZACH: Just waiting to hear back on the application.
SOPHIE: Keep moving.
Zach [sees a wireless headset microphones]: Oh! Cool! We should all get these.
LANE: Wireless mikes?
BRIAN: Isn't that too Gwen Stefani?
ZACH: Not if we wear 'em. It'll be totally Peter Gabriel.
[Brian plays a tune on a piano.]
ZACH: Hey, dude. That doesn't sound too bad. What is it?
BRIAN: Oh, just a song I've been working on. I don't know if it's any good or not.
ZACH: Chords are good. Any lyrics?
BRIAN: Some. It's called Lane.
[Lane looks up.]
ZACH: It's called Lane?
LANE [pleased]: Who, me, Lane?
BRIAN: Yeah. We were talking about songs and Lane yesterday and I just got inspired.
Zach [not pleased]: Inspired, huh?
LANE [happy]: That's nice! Thanks, Brian!
SOPHIE: Doesn't make me want to be violently ill.
LANE: High praise.
BRIAN: Yeah! Thanks, Sophie!
LANE [to Zach]: We can learn it next week.
Zach [getting bothered]: Look, we came to get picks. Let's get picks, okay?
[Zach walks away. Lane and Sophie look at each other.]
MYSTERY COFFEE SHOP
[Christopher is at a table, waiting. As Lorelai enters he stands up.]
CHRIS: Lorelai. Over here. I snagged the best table in the house.
LORELAI: You slip the guy a buck?
CHRIS: I had to get my fifty cents change. Hey.
LORELAI: Hey, Chris. [They hug.]
CHRIS [looking at Lorelai]: I don't know how you do it, I mean, you always look -
LORELAI: Yeah, well, I get the girls from the Wash & Brush Up company from the Wizard of Oz working for me now.
CHRIS [chuckles]: Good deal. [They sit down.] So, uh, how's our Rory?
LORELAI: Oh, she's good. She's, um, you know. Great. Very busy.
CHRIS: As per usual.
LORELAI: She took a little time off Yale.
CHRIS [pauses]: And the Apocalypse is this week? Next week?
LORELAI: She's back there and she's thriving. She'll be running the world one day.
CHRIS [worried]: You sure?
LORELAI: She's doing great. Trust me.
CHRIS: I do.
LORELAI: So?
CHRIS: So.
LORELAI: What's going on?
CHRIS: Wouldn't you like to know?
LORELAI: Christopher.
CHRIS: This is the funniest thing I've got to do in years. Years! All right? Let me, let me savour it.
LORELAI: Come on! Tell me. What?
CHRIS: My grandfather died.
LORELAI [puzzled]: Um, that's fun how?
CHRIS: Well, that's not the fun part. The old man was ninety eight, long life, great life. His last words were an inappropriate pass at the nurse tending to him. Pretty good one, too. I made a mental note of it.
LORELAI: So your grandfather died.
CHRIS: Well, the old guy was actually pretty cool, and for some reason he always liked me. And he was the Hayden with the purse strings. Long story short, I'm rich.
LORELAI: You're rich!
CHRIS: Ridiculously. I mean, I'm not Bill Gates by a long sh*t, but I've got money! Can you stand it?
LORELAI [bemused]: Good, Chris. That's good.
CHRIS: And I want to share it. I've set Gigi up with funds for private nursery school and prep school and college and grad school and post-grad school and Ph.D. school and a wedding and a divorce if she wants it, and another wedding or she can buy a bunch of cats and a lifetime supply of Twizzlers and popcorn if that's her choice. But she's all set, and now I want to take care of you. You and Rory.
LORELAI [shakes her head]: Oh. Oh, Chris, I don't know what to say.
CHRIS: What do you want? A car? How about a Bentley? They're pretty sweet. Or a new house? Or a tract of land to build a new house? I can do that. I can buy you a tract.
LORELAI: Christopher -
CHRIS: Or is there someone you hate that you'd like to say 'I can buy and sell you' to? Because you can have the funds to make that happen. You can crush people with money. You want some people-crushing money?
LORELAI: Oh, Chris, slow down, here.
CHRIS: Come on, everybody needs something!
LORELAI: Including you. Don't forget yourself.
CHRIS: Ah, I bought a new bike, I bought a giant audio system. I'm done. What else do I want? Nothing.
LORELAI: Buy yourself a tract of land.
CHRIS: Come on. Let me give you something. A castle in Ireland? A Civil w*r cannon. A brewery. Yeah! Buy a brewery! That would be cool! You could brew your own beer!
LORELAI: You know, I had a brewery for a while, but I couldn't stand the smell of hops.
CHRIS: Pay off something. Your house. Outstanding bills. Your bookie. Something. Pay off Yale. Pay off your back taxes.
LORELAI: I don't owe any back taxes.
CHRIS: Oh, right, that's me.
LORELAI: Look, Chris, you're very nice to offer, and I love that you're so excited about it. It's great to see you like this. But I'm fine.
CHRIS: You're too un-materialistic. You know, I've always thought that.
LORELAI: If it makes you feel any better, I'll talk to Rory. See if she wants a brewery or a Bentley.
CHRIS: Or a castle! Don't forget the castle.
LORELAI [smiles]: I'll mention the castle.
CHRIS: And it doesn't have to be in Ireland. It can be in Germany, Czech Republic, Scotland, Narnia.
LORELAI: I'll leave nothing out.
CHRIS: Okay. So, you hungry?
LORELAI: A little.
CHRIS: Eh, let's eat. [He chuckles.] I'm paying for lunch!
SHOWCASE GIG
[The band is setting up the equipment, ready for a sound check. Zach is not there yet.]
BRIAN: This is the first club I ever went to. I was underage and snuck in and saw Granddaddy in one of their first concerts.
LANE: Cool.
GIL: I remember once throwing up in that corner, and some dude slipped in and had to go to the hospital, and I stole the chick he was with and shacked up with her for like a week and a half.
LANE: Another fun memory.
GARY [off stage]: How about it, guys? You about ready to do this?
LANE: Just a few more minutes, Gary.
BRIAN: Where's Zach?
LANE: I don't know. He's coming separately.
GIL: Here he is. [Zach comes on stage.] Where you been, man?
ZACH: What? Are we punching time cards now?
BRIAN: You almost missed sound check!
ZACH: Well, almost means I didn't miss it. Just set up your amp, okay?
BRIAN: Whatever.
ZACH: But not there. I'm not liking the setup here.
GIL: This is how we always set up.
ZACH: That's why it looks stale. Do you want it to look stale?
LANE: No, we don't want that!
ZACH: We're going to need room for the new guy, too.
BRIAN: New guy?
LANE: What new guy?
ZACH: Hey, Joel! Come over here, buddy. [Joel enters.] This is Joel. He's going to sit in on tambourine.
JOEL: How you doing?
LANE: Good, Joel. Um, we added a new guy?
GIL: On tambourine?
ZACH: He's going to fill out our sound.
GIL: But the only reason to have a tambourine is if it's being played by a hot chick. No offense, Joel, but you're not a hot chick.
ZACH: Yo! Gary! [Holding up the wireless mike.] See this? Remember it. It's mine. I don't want it sucked into the club's gear when I'm not looking.
GARY: What, the Gwen Stefani mike?
ZACH: It's not a Gwen Stefani mike. And don't take it.
LANE: You bought that mike?
ZACH: It means I can crowd surf. The audience loves that.
JOEL: They do. They love crowd surfing. Dig.
ZACH: Figure I'll stage side right after our guitar solo.
LANE: Hey, can I talk to you for a second? [Pulling him to one side.] What is wrong with you?
ZACH: Nothing. Why?
LANE: You added a band member without telling us?
ZACH: Well, it's my band, right?
LANE: Uh, no, actually, we're supposed to be a democracy.
ZACH: Is this coming from Brian?
LANE: No, it's coming from me! I'm just - concerned.
ZACH: Well don't be. And don't be a huge mega bummer before our big show. That's not cool.
LANE: Okay, I'm sorry.
[Joel waves the tambourine around, everyone stares at him and Gil turns away.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN
[Rory is at the table in the kitchen using her laptop, her cell phone rings.]
RORY: Hello?
PARIS [in the newspaper room at Yale Daily]: Hey, it's me.
RORY: Who's me?
PARIS: Oh my God. You don't recognize your best friend's voice.
RORY: Sorry, Paris. There's noise here.
PARIS: So, I'm returning your call.
RORY: Thanks! I just wanted to tell you something. [Rolling her tongue.] Brrrr! I'm coming back to Yale!
PARIS: What was that sound?
RORY: That was a drum roll.
PARIS: You really had to drum roll that? Of course you're coming back. What are you going to do without a college degree? Drive a forklift?
RORY: Well, I was calling to ask you if you could keep your eyes and ears open for a place for me to live.
PARIS: Mid-year like this, it's going to be tough.
RORY: I'm not picky. Plus I want to come back to the Yale Daily News. That's a given. Where are you right now, by the way?
PARIS: I'm here. At the Daily News.
RORY: By yourself?
PARIS: No, everyone's here. I just like a super-quiet atmosphere. No extraneous talking, and I've even had the computer keyboards deadened.
RORY: So they're getting no break for Thanksgiving?
PARIS: I put up a fold-out paper turkey and I laid out some Oscar Meyer.
[Lorelai enters the kitchen.]
RORY: Nice. Well, keep an eye out for a place for me, okay?
PARIS: Will do. See you.
RORY: Thanks. Bye. [To Lorelai] So? No sign of crying or hair being pulled out. The thing with Dad went okay?
LORELAI: It was fine. He was telling the truth. There was nothing too horrible. Except for the frings.
RORY: The what?
LORELAI: Oh, the combo basket of fries and onion rings. Good in theory, but -
RORY: So what did he want to talk to you about?
LORELAI: Well, his grandfather died.
RORY [understanding]: Oh.
LORELAI: Apparently it was one of those un-sad deaths. Like Buddy Hackett.
RORY: No-one was sad about Buddy Hackett?
LORELAI: No one I saw on the news. Anyway, he left Chris money. A lot of money. And now he's offering to shower us with it. You want a Bentley?
RORY: I don't think so.
LORELAI: How about a castle?
RORY: What would I do with a castle?
LORELAI: I'm simply relaying the offer.
RORY: Dad should keep the money for himself.
LORELAI: Are you sure there's nothing you want? A brewery, a Faberge egg, or let's see, what else did he mention? Um, paying for Yale through a Ph.D., uh, vacations, a cannon from the Civil w*r - functioning, by the way, so it's not just show. It seemed like the sky was the limit, although he didn't mention the Hoover Dam, so maybe there is a cap of some sort.
RORY: Actually, I think maybe there is something I'd want.
LORELAI: Really? Okay, what?
RORY: I would maybe let him pay for Yale.
LORELAI: Seriously?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Wow.
RORY: Unless it's too much.
LORELAI: I think it was the cheapest of all the things he mentioned.
RORY: It's just that there would be residual benefits. It would get me out from under Grandma and Grandpa's thumb, which sounds really good to me right now.
LORELAI: Well. I can't say I don't relate.
RORY: I don't want them to be holding anything over my head. I don't want to owe them anything. There's too much pressure. Too much expected. There are too many strings with these people.
LORELAI [holds up her hands to stop her]: Okay. I'm getting very uncomfortable with the Freaky Friday moment we've got going on here, 'cause it means I have to go to Yale, you have to run the inn, and oh, God, I don't even like thinking about what it would mean for Luke.
RORY: It's feeling better by the second, this idea.
LORELAI: You do understand, you'd basically be cutting Mom and Dad off.
RORY: You don't know what it was like to be living there.
LORELAI [insulted]: Hello, oppressed one, class of eighty-five!
RORY: But you got out.
LORELAI: No, no. You were only there for three months. You're not in my league. We can't swap w*r stories yet.
RORY: They had their Reverend come over to talk me out of having sex. They never did that to you.
LORELAI: Five times they did that to me! The last time they triple-teamed me with a priest, a rabbi and a Mormon missionary. I made so many jokes that night, I should have had a microphone and a brick wall behind me. And I never got a forty thousand dollar sex house.
RORY [frowns]: A what?
LORELAI: You don't want to know.
RORY: Look. I know it's a slippery slope. Dad is Dad.
LORELAI: Yes, he is.
RORY: But I'm pretty sure I want to do this.
LORELAI: Well, if you're sure, you're sure. We'll call him.
RORY: We'll call him.
LORELAI: He's going to be happy!
RORY: Not as happy as me.
LORELAI: Good.
[Lorelai get up and pats her head.]
SHOWCASE GIG
[Rory is at a table, people are gathering for the show. Lane comes up to Rory's table.]
LANE: Hey. Hey!
RORY [standing up]: Wow! You look almost intimidatingly cool.
LANE: Thanks.
RORY: Everyone ready?
LANE: Pretty much, although sound check was a little weird.
RORY: Well, you know what they say. Weird sound check, good gig.
LANE [nodding]: Who says that?
RORY: Well, just me. But I'm hoping it'll catch on.
LANE: See those two guys? Those are the label guys.
RORY: Oh. I'll be careful not to hurt them when I start violently slam-dancing. You're going to be great.
LANE: Thanks. I should get back there. We have this pre-show thing we always do.
RORY: Good luck! [She sits down and Lane goes backstage.]
BACKSTAGE
[The band is doing it final tuning for the show which is about to start. Zach is checking his wireless microphone.]
ZACH: Test. Test. Test. [angry.] Monitor check! Monitor check! Test! Test! Test! Test! Where'd they get these monitors, the Kremlin? Test! Test!
GIL: It's your wireless mic, dude. It's not working.
ZACH: Well, did somebody touch it? Because it was working before.
LANE [entering]: One minute, guys.
ZACH: Who says one minute? We go on when we go on! No-one tells Axl Rose when he goes on, he goes on when he feels like it.
BRIAN: You're comparing yourself to Axl Rose?
ZACH: Don't get in my face, Brian.
BRIAN: I'm not.
ZACH: Go write some more songs if you've got a problem.
ANNOUNCER [OS]: All right! Welcome to the New Deck!
Zach [balling up a piece of paper and it throwing away]: Listen, we're throwing out the set list.
LANE: What?
ZACH: Keep up. I'm going to be calling out tunes like Jack White.
BRIAN: But we rehearsed in this order. We've got transitions.
ZACH: Yeah! REO Speedwagon had transitions, too! You want to be REO Speedwagon? We should have brought the smoke machine!
ANNOUNCER: We've got a special showcase for you tonight. Give it up for Connecticut's own Hep Alien!
LANE: Wait, wait, we didn't do our lucky pre-show thing!
[The stage curtain opens up.]
GIL: Lane, count it down!
BRIAN: What are we playing?
LANE: Yeah, what are we playing?
ZACH: Check, one, two, check, check!
GIL: Dude, what are we playing?
ZACH: I need to be hotter in the monitor, Gary! Wake up, dude!
BRIAN: Come on, let's start!
JOEL: Hey, I know that guy.
ZACH: We'll start when I'm ready. This is my stage.
GIL: Come on, let's do Rebecca.
Zach [into the mic]: Just hang on, it's worth waiting around to see the band that's going to get the biggest record deal in history.
[The audience begins calling out 'Play!' and booing.]
GIL: This is pathetic.
MAN IM AUDIENCE: You guys suck!
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Freebird!
[Brian takes a step toward Zach.]
ZACH: Hey! Knock it off.
BRIAN: Knock what off?
ZACH: You know what you're doing! Get back to your mike. [He kicks toward Brian.] Get back!
LANE [disgusted]: Zach!
GIL: Don't kick him.
ZACH: Get off my stage if you've got a problem! Nobody's going to tell me what to do on my stage with my band!
GIL [to Joel]: Dude, you need to find another place to stand. I'm not going to tell you again.
BRIAN: If he moves, he's going to block Lane.
ZACH: Oh, yeah, you don't want Lane blocked, do you?
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Come on!
ZACH: This is a song called Stella.
LANE: We haven't learned that song!
BRIAN: Let's go back to the set list!
Zach [takes off his guitar]: No, we're not going to do that. I'm here to destroy the system so stay out of my way! [He kicks toward Brian again.]
GIL: Hey!
ZACH: And you don't need to -
[A fight breaks out, Gil jumps on Zach. Brian and Lane try to break up the fight. The crown starts throwing things and booing. Rory is still filming them and jumps back. The crowd cheers as the curtain closes.]
OUTSIDE THE CLUB - BACK DOOR
[Zach is sitting on the step outside the club, pouting when Lane comes outside, she looks mad.]
ZACH: Dude broke my wireless mike.
LANE: Zach. What is wrong with you?
ZACH: Nothing.
LANE: Nothing! This was a disaster. The guys from the label were there! They showed up! It was our sh*t! We worked so hard to get to this point, and we blew our big sh*t! [Almost crying] What the hell is wrong with you? [Zach shrugs.] You let me down tonight. You let down Gil, you let down Brian -
ZACH: I don't want to hear about Brian!
LANE [pleading]: Zach!
ZACH: This is what it is, okay? Maybe this is why people in bands shouldn't date.
LANE [shocked]: Yeah. [She starts crying and nods.] I guess so.
[Lane goes back inside leaving Zach who hangs his head.]
MYSTERY COFFEE SHOP
[Lorelai and Rory enter as Chris gets up.]
CHRIS: Hey, guys!
LORELAI: Happy Thanksgiving!
RORY: Hey, Dad!
[Chris kisses Rory on the cheek as they hug.]
CHRIS: God, I've missed you! Have you grown? She's grown!
LORELAI: Only in my estimation.
CHRIS: I, I cannot tell you how jazzed I am to see you on Thanksgiving! You know, we've never seen each other on Thanksgiving.
LORELAI: Oh, God, is that true?
RORY: I think so.
CHRIS: I know so. So, uh, what's this about?
LORELAI: I filled Rory in. I mentioned the brewery, and the castle.
CHRIS: The Oompa Loompas?
LORELAI: Those too. And, um - well, you want to take it?
RORY: Dad, I - I thought about it, and Mom and I talked about it, and I think it would be really great if you could pay for Yale.
CHRIS [happy]: Absolutely, absolutely! Nothing would make me happier.
RORY: Good. Thank you.
CHRIS: I am there, I am so there.
LORELAI: That's great.
CHRIS: Let me pay for Chilton too.
LORELAI: Well, that's already taken care of.
RORY: You know, Yale's kind of expensive.
CHRIS: But I'm loaded - didn't you tell her? I'm loaded!
LORELAI: I told her.
CHRIS: So, how do I do this? Do I give you the cash, or do I pay Yale? Do they take checks or does it have to be a money order? What is a money order anyway? I mean, how is it different from a check? Isn't a check a piece of paper forwarding money? What's the difference?
LORELAI: Whoa, Chris, slow down.
CHRIS: This makes me so happy, I can't tell you, Rory.
RORY: It means a lot to me, Dad. This was excellent timing, believe me.
CHRIS: Well, it means more to me.
[Rory's cell phone rings, she looks at the Caller ID.]
RORY: This is the paper in Stamford. Excuse me.
CHRIS: Hey, try to steal a pie on the way out.
RORY: Okay. [She goes outside to answer the call.]
CHRIS: Thanks for making this happen, Lor.
LORELAI: Hey, it wasn't me. It's what she wanted.
CHRIS: Well, thanks for giving her the choice.
LORELAI: My pleasure.
CHRIS: So can I ask you something?
LORELAI: Sure.
CHRIS: It involves the E word and the R word.
LORELAI: Please, let's not discuss evolution or recycling. They're just too hot-button.
CHRIS: Weren't Emily and Richard paying for Yale?
LORELAI: Yes, they were.
CHRIS: Something going on there?
LORELAI: Everything's fine.
CHRIS: Why'd she take time off? What happened there?
LORELAI: It's - it's a long story. Listen, Chris, just so we're clear -
CHRIS: We're clear. I'm providing. That's it. I'm just doing what I should have done years ago.
LORELAI: Good.
CHRIS: And it will remain good. Honest.
LORELAI [satisfied]: Okay.
CHRIS [reluctantly]: So how long have you been engaged?
LORELAI [sighs]: Who told you?
CHRIS [laughing]: Your finger.
LORELAI: Oh. [She looks down at the ring.] Blabbermouth.
CHRIS: It's a good thing. I want you happy, I always have.
LORELAI: I know, thank you.
CHRIS: But, this isn't going to be a weird thing with you and him, is it? My paying for Yale.
LORELAI: No, it's not going to be.
CHRIS: Well, cool. You're getting a Rolls for a wedding present, you know.
LORELAI: Cool, I should register for a driver to go with it.
CHRIS: Well, yeah, they're too big to drive by yourself.
LORELAI: No, God, you've got to have somebody drive you.
LUKE'S DINER
[Luke show some customers out.]
LUKE: Bye, now. Have a nice - [Hearing a crash in the kitchen.] - Thanksgiving. Huh? [He goes to the kitchen see what happened. Liz comes out with a tray of burnt food.]
LIZ: My rolls exploded!
LUKE: What do you mean, they exploded?
LIZ: They turned black and they exploded!
LUKE: Well, clean them up. I'm not going to -
LIZ: My turkey! [She puts the tray down to run upstairs.]
LUKE: Liz? [Luke follows after her.]
LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Liz enters the apartment with Luke right behind.]
LIZ: Oh, boy, oh, boy!
LUKE [looking at the mess]: It's like Motley Crue's been here.
LIZ [looks in to the oven]: Good, that red button thingy hasn't popped up yet.
LUKE: Look, you're way over-cooking your stuffing, here. [He turns down the burner.]
LIZ: Hey, how do you turn on your oven light? Never mind, I'll check my Martha.
LUKE: How to turn on my oven light is not going to be in your Martha Stewart book.
LIZ [sits down and opens her cook book]: Hey, that red pop-up thingy. Are turkeys born with that or is that something they put in?
LUKE: I don't know, why don't you ask Martha?
LIZ: Oh, she knows. She knows everything.
LUKE [looks into a pot]: Hey, you're going to have to get some canned cranberry sauce. Your homemade - well, it's not red. It should be red.
LIZ: I know, I don't know how that happened.
LUKE: Well, everything seems kind of under control here.
LIZ: Thanks, Luke. I'm so sorry, TJ thought the microwave was working but I guess not.
LUKE [nodding]: It's okay. [He stares at the floor for a minute, then takes a deep breath and looks at Liz.] Liz -
LIZ: Look at Martha's hands! They're so white!
LUKE [seriously]: Liz, you got a minute?
LIZ: Yeah, big brother, I got a minute.
[She closes the book as he sits down at the table.]
LUKE [sighs as he presses his hands to his mouth]: Um, this is hard, I - I feel like this giant weight's been sitting on me, I just - I just need someone to talk to.
LIZ [frowns, then shrugs]: Well, then talk.
LUKE: I've got a kid.
LIZ [shocked, but happy]: A kid? You've got a kid?
LUKE: A girl. A little girl. She's twelve. I am her father.
LIZ: Oh, boy, oh boy!
LUKE: She came to the diner out of the blue and she was testing to see who her father was. Not for money or anything, it was for this science fair she was in. She's smart.
LIZ [cheerfully]: Oh, boy, oh, boy!
LUKE: So I went down to the fair and there she was. You know, and there I was. My picture, the DNA test. [laughing nervously.] She's mine.
LIZ: Twelve, huh?
LUKE: Twelve.
LIZ: That's Anna Nardini, isn't it?
LUKE [stunned]: How'd you know?
LIZ: Luke, you're not Warren Beatty. I mean, you could have been, girls like you, but you're a serial monogamist. That's why you're you. I remember Anna, I liked her!
LUKE: I don't know what to do. I'm just so confused.
LIZ: Well, what did Lorelai say? [Luke looks down.] You haven't told her.
LUKE: We're engaged, we're on track here, her and me. And Rory's back, so that's settled now. We're in a good place! You know, this could wreck it.
LIZ: It won't wreck it. Not unless you let it.
LUKE: She's been out there twelve years, this little girl!
LIZ: What does Anna want from you?
LUKE: That's the thing. Nothing. She hasn't contacted me. I mean, why hasn't she? She could have called me. What? Does she think I'd be a deadbeat?
LIZ: Oh! No one would think that.
LUKE: April doesn't want anything either. That's her name. April. You know, it's all just very scientific with her. I couldn't even get her to go for ice cream with me.
LIZ: Whoa. [thinking] Did you offer cake?
LUKE [puzzled]: No.
LIZ: Maybe she wanted cake. Or pie. You offer pie?
LUKE: No.
LIZ: Maybe she wanted pie. Or fudge.
LUKE: It's not about what I offered her, Liz. She didn't have any interest. You know, that's the thing. Why should I feel burdened? I mean, they're not reaching out. Neither one of them. So why should I?
LIZ [shaks her head]: I don't know -
LUKE: I mean, the girl's got her life. She seems very adjusted, a little weird, but thriving. Anna's got her life, I've got my life, you know. I shouldn't worry about this. I mean, why should I? There's no reason to.
LIZ: I guess not.
LUKE: Good. Good. [He sighs and is relieved.] I'm not going to worry. I'm going to let it go. [smiles.] Yeah, this has been good. Thanks for listening, Liz. I feel better. [Liz nods.] Well, you should get back to your food, there. This is settled.
LIZ: Okay.
LUKE: All right. There's your Martha. [He pushes the cook book to her.]
LIZ: Thanks.
[Luke gets up and leaves, pats Liz on the head as he goes by. Liz watches Luke leave the room.]
DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN
[Sookie is happy as she gets a third turkey out of the oven and puts in on the counter with other two.]
LORELAI [entering]: Everyone's here, everyone's hungry!
SOOKIE: Perfect timing, 'cause Tree, Chuck and Bob here are ready to be consumed.
LORELAI: Please, don't name the food we eat.
SOOKIE: Sorry.
LORELAI: So are you ready to carve? [She picks up a fork and pokes 'Chuck'.]
SOOKIE: We're ready to carve. I could use some help, though. Maybe send Luke in. [She slaps Lorelai's on the hand.]
LORELAI: He loves to carve.
SOOKIE: There's enough food, right? Did I make enough food?
LORELAI: There's plenty, even considering the extra guests.
SOOKIE: Good. Go tell them it'll be five minutes.
LORELAI: Will do.
DINING ROOM
[Luke and Rory are at the table next to one another. Stu from the Renaissance Faire is next to Luke and is playing a s*ab game with a Kn*fe and his fingers, There is a cheer at the table when he finishes]
LIZ: Huzzah! You're so good at that, Stu! Really. Too bad you didn't put all that effort into something you can make money at.
STU: Thanks, Liz. [To Luke] So, when are you coming back out on the Renaissance Faire circuit with us, Luke?
LUKE: I think sometime after I'm drugged and lobotomized.
[Everyone laughs.]
STU: You're the funniest, smartest guy I know, Luke.
LIZ: I'm calling him Yakov from now on.
LUKE [to Rory]: Please don't judge me by this.
RORY: I won't. Yakov.
LORELAI [entering]: We're just minutes away from eating, everybody!
LIZ: Oh, I can't wait to see this meal! My dinner didn't turn out like Martha's picture. Who knew a turkey could melt like that? I didn't.
LORELAI [to Rory and Luke]: Hey, guys, when'd you sneak in?
LUKE: Oh, just a couple minutes ago.
LORELAI: How'd you like to carve for us?
LUKE: I'll carve if you want.
LORELAI: Bless you. Um, let me talk to you over here for a second first.
LUKE: Oh, okay.
[They go in to the next room.]
LORELAI: So.
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: Um. That Christopher call from before, the famous one?
LUKE: The infamous one.
LORELAI: Oh, you remember that?
LUKE: I remember it.
LORELAI: Well, I never filled you in on the content. He said he wanted to talk and he said it was important, so I met up with him.
LUKE: Oh, yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah. He's come into a lot of money, family money. And he offered Rory and me lots of things we didn't want or need, but Rory took him up on his offer to pay for Yale. It was her idea and I support it. That's it. So he's going to be financing her tuition this year and next year and, um, we got together today at a diner to finalize it, and that's it.
LUKE [shrugs]: I think that's great.
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: Yes. I think that's absolutely great.
LORELAI: You heard the part about how I got together with Christopher?
LUKE: Absolutely. You had to, to talk about this. He's her dad. He's her dad. If he's got something, he should be sharing it, good for him. He's been gone most of the time, so he owes you. I'm glad he's doing it. He's doing what a dad is supposed to do. He's taking care of his kid. Good. Good.
LORELAI: Yeah, good. So you're good with this.
LUKE: I am.
LORELAI: And so we're good.
LUKE: We're great.
LORELAI: Thank you for understanding.
[They kiss.]
LUKE: I'm going to go carve.
LORELAI: Okay.
DINING ROOM
[Liz walks by the table and see Rory.]
LIZ: Oh, Rory, have you met Freddy? He has no thumbs.
RORY: No, I haven't. Hi, Freddy. [She goes to shake his.]
FREDDY: Hi! [As he extends his hand Rory's phone rings. She looks at his hand with no thumb.]
RORY: Excuse me. [She goes into the library and answers her phone.] Hello?
HONOR: Rory, hi! It's Honor Huntzberger.
RORY: Oh, hi, Honor. How are you doing?
[The scene cuts between Rory and Honor who is outdoors and pacing back and forth, smoking and with a drink in her hand.]
HONOR: I've been exiled. My parent's house is eleven thousand square feet and smoking is banned from every nook and cranny of it. Only because Mom stopped smoking again. So, here I am, freezing my ass off.
RORY: Bummer.
HONOR: So, I thought I'd call and tell you what a drag it is, this thing with you and Logan.
RORY: Oh, yeah?
HONOR: When Logan said you two broke up, I almost threw a lamp at him.
RORY [shocked]: Oh.
HONOR [unaware]: Moron. He's his own worst enemy.
RORY: He told you that we broke up?
HONOR: Well, I was wondering where you were for Thanksgiving, and at first young Seacrest hemmed and hawed, which wasn't sufficient, so he finally told me. Idiot. Him, not you.
RORY: Right.
HONOR: I'm so sorry. But you and I can still go shopping, you know. Bergdorf's is calling.
RORY: Yeah. Sure.
HONOR: Good. Well, I have to get back inside before I turn into an ice cube. Are you at least having a nice Thanksgiving?
RORY: Yeah. It's really nice.
HONOR: I'll be in touch.
RORY: Sure. Thanks, Honor.
HONOR: Bye.
RORY: Bye. [She hangs up the cell phone.]
KITCHEN
[Sookie's is watching Luke closely as he tries to carve one of the turkeys.]
SOOKIE: Okay, that's too thin, too thin!
LUKE: I'm just getting started, give me some room.
SOOKIE: Okay, that's too thick, too thick, too thick!
LUKE: Hang on, Sookie. [Taping the Kn*fe on the turkey.]
SOOKIE: You're crooked. Crooked.
LUKE [handing Sookie the Kn*fe]: Okay.
SOOKIE: Good idea.
[Sookie starts to happily carve the turkey. Luke start to go back to the dining room, but then goes into the pantry. He picks up a phone and dials information.]
OPERATOR: Information, listing please?
LUKE: Yeah, uh, Nardini?
OPERATOR: City?
LUKE: Woodbridge.
OPERATOR: Please hold.
LUKE: Thanks.
MACHINE'S VOICE: Press one to be connected to area code -
[Luke presses one and the phone start to ring, an answering machine picks up.]
APRIL'S VOICE [on the machine]: Hello. You've reached the Nardini residence. We're not home, or else we're too distracted to answer right now, so -
[Luke hangs up in a rush, he sighs and looks at the phone for a minute. He leaves and goes back to the dining table and sits down between Liz and Lorelai.]
LORELAI: She kick you out?
LUKE: What? Who?
LORELAI: Sookie.
LUKE: Oh, yeah.
LORELAI: Predictable.
LUKE: Yeah, predictable.
[Rory comes from her phone call, not too happy either.]
LORELAI: Hey! You okay?
RORY [quietly]: Kind of.
LORELAI: You sure?
RORY [half-smiles at her]: I'm just hungry.
SOOKIE [entering]: Dinner is served!
[The food starts to come out. Both Rory and Luke looking sad, sit quietly as everyone starts to chatter and eat. Paul Anka's song "Eye of the Tiger" starts to play at the screen fades to black.]
Episode End | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x10 - He's Slippin Em Bread... Dig?"} | foreverdreaming |
(OPEN in Luke's diner, morning. The place is busy but not too much. Kirk is sitting at a table. Suddenly he gets up, goes behind the counter, gets the coffee pot goes back to his table fills up his cup and then goes behind the counter again to put the coffee pot in it's place. Luke watches him.)
LUKE: What in the hell do you think you're doing?
KIRK: I was just getting some coffee.
LUKE: You came behind my counter.
KIRK: I saw Lorelai do it the other day.
LUKE: Lorelai is my fiance.
KIRK: So only people you're sleeping with are allowed to go behind the counter?
LUKE: Yes.
KIRK: Well...I don't really know you that well, Luke. I mean, I know what you do for a living, and I know you're a Scorpio, and you smell OK, but we've never really connected on a deeper level...
LUKE: Get out from behind my counter, Kirk.
KIRK: Well, now it's a definite "no". (goes back to his table as Lorelai and Rory enter the diner holding some bags)
LORELAI: Oh, my God. Look who's back.
RORY: Well, I believe it's those adorable Gilmore Girls.
LORELAI: My, how we have missed them.
RORY: I hear they're different now. (Luke comes up to them) A little sad.
LORELAI: A little broke.
LUKE: Don't you two believe in jet lag?
LORELAI: No way. We're still flying on the Atlantic City buzz. Hey, (they kiss) handsome. Were you bad while I was gone?
LUKE: I was. I went to bed every night at 10:15.
LORELAI: Grandpa! what am I gonna do with you?
RORY: Hey, Luke. (they hug)
LUKE: Hey, Rory. (they all start walking over to a table to sit)
LORELAI: We, on the other hand, have not been to bed at all since we left.
RORY: We did fall over once, though.
LUKE: Did you have a good trip?
RORY: I believe it was the best belated 21st-birthday party on record. (they sit, and Lorelai sips some coffee, that the Asian looking waiter who's always in the background brought over)
LORELAI: What's different?
RORY: No kalua.
LORELAI: Oh, right. Which reminds me. (to Luke) Sorry about all the drunken late-night phone calls.
LUKE: What drunken late-night phone calls?
LORELAI: Uh, so, um, do you want to hear about all the things we can tell you about our trip?
LUKE: I'm not sure.
LORELAI: OK, well first of all, video poker is my calling. (Luke goes over to sit on one of the chairs at the girls? table) I think I'm totally gonna dedicate my life to it. Especially the third machine in the second row of machines as you h*t the entrance of Trump Taj Mahal.
RORY: I'm more of a roulette girl myself.
LORELAI: And we did the whole thing up right, you know. We did the martinis at the blackjack table.
RORY: And we pretended I was turning 21 while we were playing 21.
LORELAI: And we actually won and bought our 21 items.
RORY: sh*t glasses, glow-in-the-dark coasters, salt and pepper shakers, pasties.
LORELAI: Oh, and look. (gets out a piece of paper and hands it over to Luke)
LUKE: What's that?
RORY: 21 guys' phone numbers.
LORELAI: I must say I'm pretty proud of how quickly we got them and also of the fact that no one questioned us when we said our names were Wendy and Lisa.
LUKE: Uh, huh. So, tell me, how was Paul Anka, the person, not the dog?
LORELAI: We didn't get to see him.
LUKE: Why not? It's all you talked about.
RORY: The billboard was old and his show had actually closed a week before we got there.
LUKE: So, who'd you end up seeing?
LORELAI: Well, it came down to Journey without their original lead singer, INXS without their original lead singer, Queen without their original lead singer, the Supremes without Diana, and, weirdly, the James Brown band without James Brown.
RORY: But we wound up seeing Tony Danza, who was sublime.
LORELAI: Oh, the tap dancing.
RORY: Why "Taxi" never utilized his musical-comedy skills is astonishing.
LUKE: Sounds great.
LORELAI: Oh, and we snagged you a Paul Anka T-shirt. (gets the T-shirt out to show Luke)
RORY: Had some left over.
LORELAI: (in a fake seductive tone) Wear it tonight.
LUKE: (takes the T-shirt) OK. I'm making you burgers. (about to get up)
LORELAI: Wait, wait. You haven't seen the best part yet.
LUKE: What?
RORY: Oh! We were walking...
LORELAI: Well, sort of walking, sort of drunk girls in high heels stumbling.
RORY: ...down the street, and we see this guy.
LORELAI: And, Luke, my hand to God, it's you. (Luke seems surprised)
RORY: It's totally you. Luke 2.0.
LORELAI: We came face-to-face with your doppelganger, my friend.
RORY: So we followed him.
LORELAI: Yeah, 'cause we had to. And he went into this nightclub, so we followed him.
RORY: 'Cause we're now stalkers obsessed with getting his picture.
LORELAI: So we follow him through this kinda grungy place. And he goes backstage.
RORY: 'Cause he's in the biz.
LORELAI: Yeah. So we sneak behind the curtain, and we track him down. And we told him all about you, and then I showed him your picture, and he totally freaked out.
RORY: Wait I got it. (takes a picture out of a bag and hands it to Luke. He takes it and looks at it)
LORELAI: Luke, I want you to meet Derek McKinney, your twin separated at birth.
LUKE: (shows them the picture) This is a man dressed like Dolly Parton.
RORY: You should hear him do "Jolene". Amazing.
LUKE: You think I look like a guy dressed as Dolly Parton?
LORELAI: No, I mean a little less with the makeup, but check out the chins. (start pointing from Luke to the picture)
LUKE: I'm gonna get your burgers. (gets up and goes to the kitchen)
LORELAI: He missed us.
RORY: Definitely.
(OPENING CREDITS)
(CUT to outside Lorelai's house, morning. Rory is waiting in front of her car, which is full of her stuff)
RORY: Mom, I got to go!
LORELAI: (comes out of the house and runs over to Rory holding a paper bag) Hold on. Wait. I'm coming. Here's sustenance for the road.
RORY: For the very long thirty-minute drive back to school? (takes the bag and walks over to the car) Thank god. I don't think I would have made it. (opens the car door to put the bag in)
LORELAI: Do you have everything?
RORY: I think so. (gasps) Oh, no! (starts to throe out of the car a bunch of boxes)
LORELAI: What? What are you doing? Why do you hate the boxes?
RORY: Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! (takes out her Community Service vest) I accidentally forgot to turn in my community-service vest.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: So? This vest belongs to the state. I have now stolen state property. They're gonna give me community service for stealing my community-service vest.
LORELAI: OK freaky link. Hand me the vest. I will personally deliver it to the state. OK? What's next on your agenda?
RORY: I'm just gonna head straight over to Paris' apartment.
LORELAI: I can't believe you're gonna live with Paris again...again.
RORY: Hey, she's got an empty room, and the price is right. And all the housing on campus is taken, so it's that or a cardboard box.
LORELAI: OK, but how big a cardboard box?
RORY: After I dump my stuff at Paris's, I have to h*t campus. I still have some class begging to do. I have to add two courses to my schedule if I'm gonna make up all the work I've missed this year.
LORELAI: You don't have to make up everything right away.
RORY: I do if I want to graduate the same time I would have before the detour. Anyway, I have tons of books to buy. I have a meeting with the Dean. Oh, and, of course, I have a meeting with the school psychologist.
LORELAI: Oh, uh. Back up. I'm sorry. You... A meeting with who?
RORY: I told you about this.
LORELAI: No, you did not.
RORY: Every student who unexpectedly takes time off and wants to come back has to have a one-time meeting with the school psychologist.
LORELAI: You did not tell me this.
RORY: I did too.
LORELAI: No you did not, because I would have remembered if you told me you had to have your head shrunk.
RORY: It's just a formality. They just want to make sure I'm s*ab and that everything's cool.
LORELAI: I can't believe you're going to a therapist. You know they're totally gonna ask you about me.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: They always want to ask about your mother. It's OK. Say whatever you want. But make sure you start with, "My mother's very hot"...
RORY: Yes, that won't seem at all disturbing to the doctor. I have to get going. (picks up the boxes she threw out and puts them back in the car)
LORELAI: I don't want you to go.
RORY: Mum!
LORELAI: No! You just got here.
RORY: But you're gonna come see me in three days.
LORELAI: I know, but with our stupid fight, I got cheated this year. (they start walking over to the drivers door)
RORY: I know. Me too.
LORELAI: OK. (they hug) All right. That's enough affection for you. Paul Anka, come say goodbye.
RORY: I haven't seen him all morning.
LORELAI: Paul Anka! Oh, well, I guess he doesn't like you better than me.
RORY: A fickle pooch, that one.
LORELAI: Well, he knows who pours the kibble. (points to herself)
RORY: Well say goodbye to him for me, and I'll call you tonight.
LORELAI: OK. Bye. (they kiss goodbye and Lorelai notices something in the car) Hey!
RORY: What? (turns around to look. It's PA) He does like me better!
LORELAI: Oh, you put bacon in your laundry.
RORY: Paul Anka likes me better. Paul Anka likes me better.
LORELAI: First Tony Danza tosses you the corsage, and now this. (Rory opens the car door, and PA comes out) Get out here, you. Yeah. That's right. Avoid my glance there, buddy.
RORY: It's the sugar-on-the-toe thing. A dog never forgets his first sugar toe.
LORELAI: I thought you had a million things to do today.
RORY: Hmm. Suddenly not so sad to see me go, huh?
LORELAI: What? No. Don't be a stranger. Bye-bye. (start to sorta push her in the car)
RORY: Bye, Paul Anka. If you squint really hard, she kind of looks like me.
LORELAI: Take off, lady. (Rory gets in the car and starts to drive away. Lorelai waves and PA gets up starts barking and following the car as Rory drives off) Hey, Judas, get back here right now! (runs after PA)
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Lane is walking around serving coffee. Lorelai and Sookie are sitting at a table and have some paper, magazines and brochures in front of them)
SOOKIE: So, what are your initial thoughts about your wedding?
LORELAI: Well...it should be legal.
SOOKIE: Good. OK. And after that?
LORELAI: After that, I'm out.
SOOKIE: Oh! How about a hometown wedding? Town square, ceremony in the gazebo.
LORELAI: Gaze-blah.
SOOKIE: OK. Boring. I got it. How about a church wedding?
LORELAI: Maybe.
SOOKIE: Ooh, a beach wedding, huh? No shoes, Luke can wear shorts.
LORELAI: No. But I want to be with you when you pitch the shorts idea to Luke.
SOOKIE: OK, no consensus on the locale. Let's move on to the dress.
LORELAI: OK
SOOKIE: Any thoughts?
LORELAI: There should be one.
SOOKIE: OK. Doing great here. (Luke comes up to their table)
LUKE: Um, are you gonna eat that cake?
LORELAI: Why, you want it?
LUKE: Well, it's just sitting there. It doesn't look like you're gonna eat it.
LORELAI: Oh, my god. You want our table don't you?
LUKE: Yeah, we're swamped.
LORELAI: Luke, I'm your fiance. That doesn't buy me a little extra table time?
LUKE: You've been sitting there for two hours.
LORELAI: We're planning our wedding.
LUKE: Well, plan it at the counter.
LORELAI: You want a counter-planned wedding, seriously?
LUKE: (calling back at the kitchen) Coming right up. (back at Lorelai) Forget I said anything.
LORELAI: Yeah. (Luke walks away)
SOOKIE: (looking at a magazine) Hey, that's a pretty dress.
LORELAI: Hum...Maybe. It's very white.
SOOKIE: You don't want to wear white?
LORELAI: Uh, maybe. I'm not sure. (Luke comes back up to the table)
LUKE: Of course you're gonna wear white. Brides wear white. That's the rule.
LORELAI: Says who?
LUKE: Well, uh, you have to wear white. My mother wore white. Her mother wore white.
SOOKIE: Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke! Do you know who I am?
LUKE: Of course I know who you are.
SOOKIE: Who am I, Luke?
LUKE: You're Sookie.
SOOKIE: No, Luke. I'm not "Sookie." I'm "Sookie B-F-O-T-B".
LUKE: What?
SOOKIE: Best Friend Of The Bride. It is my responsibility to help plan this event. To talk through all the details, to taste the cake and pick the invitations, and to keep you, the fiance of the bride, from having to pretend to be interested in things that he has no interest in.
LUKE: I have an int...!
SOOKIE: No you don't!
LUKE: I have an interest!
SOOKIE: B-F-O-T-B.
LUKE: But I'm not...!
SOOKIE: AaaHhh!
LANE: Luke, your turkey melt is up.
SOOKIE: Oh! Luke, your turkey melt's up.
LUKE: Fine. (walks away)
LANE: Refills?
LORELAI: Yes. See, I can make decisions. (Lane starts to our coffee)
LANE: What's all this?
SOOKIE: We are planning a wedding.
LANE: Oh, super. Well, at least there'll be cake. (walks away)
LORELAI: Well, it's nice that my outlook on life is sunnier than a 21-year-old'S.
SOOKIE: OK, let's start with something simple. A date for the wedding.
LORELAI: OK, that does sound simple.
SOOKIE: Now, some people have mentioned some conflicts, and I think we should take those into consideration.
LORELAI: OK
SOOKIE: Miss Patty is going to be in Baja the first two weeks in April. And Babette said the last two weeks in April are bad because her cat's expecting kittens.
LORELAI: That little tramp.
SOOKIE: Michel's bad every Saturday from now until February, because he signed up for his booty boot camp again. Kirk has no conflicts, but Lulu is going to Florida sometime between May 15th and June 1st. (Luke overhearing comes back up to their table)
LUKE: Yes...who's Lulu?
LORELAI: Kirk's girlfriend.
LUKE: Yeah, we're not moving wedding plans around for people whose last names I don't even know.
SOOKIE: Luke!
LUKE: WHAT!?
SOOKIE: Who am I?
LUKE: Aw, geez. (walks away)
(CUT to outside Paris and Doyle's apartment. Paris and Rory, who is carrying some bags, come up the staircase as Paris is giving her a tour)
PARIS: Apartment 5 is Mrs.Holiday. She steals mail. Apartment 6 is the chilli cheese boys. Take the description at face value. I don't know who's in apartment 7 because meeting 5 and 6 was enough "it takes a village" for me. Here we are, apartment 8. (walks to the apartment door)
RORY: 8 is great. (follows Paris)
PARIS: OK, now, you have to unlock the middle bolt first...the bottom bolt second...the top lock third...the bottom lock fourth. You got to kick the door twice. And that's it. (explains while demonstrating)
RORY: Wow, you really have to earn it, huh?
PARIS: It's just a precaution. It isn't really necessary. This neighborhood is only as scary as you make it. Those guys downstairs, they just look deadly. Believe me, they don't bother you if you don't bother them. When you have guests over, just tell them they're a Doo-Wop group.
(CUT to inside apartment, continuous. The girls enter)
PARIS: We keep the door fully locked, (starts locking the door) even when we're home. We actually added the chains after there were a couple of break-ins on the street, but we've never had any trouble. We've actually got a very sophisticated crime-prevention system set up here. When we leave, we always keep the radio on, rush Limbaugh of course, so they know we have g*n in the house. The lights are all on a timer, so don't touch the switches, and there's a motion detector in the hallway, so don't freak out when it goes on at night. Now, over here is our trusty dog, Bloodhound. (presses play on a tape recorder and we hear barking) Excellent for magazine pushers and pamphlet bearers of all types.
RORY: You've got it all covered.
PARIS: Pretty much. That's our room. That's your room. They're both the same size, but we have an extra window 'cause Doyle has dreams about walls collapsing in on him, so he needs to sleep near glass. (a loud noise startles Rory)
RORY: Oh, my god! Were those g*n?
PARIS: No, that was just a car backfiring. The real g*n actually sounds fake. You'll pick it up eventually. They call it "ghetto ear."
RORY: Something to look forward to.
PARIS: Now, Doyle sleeps very deeply, so don't worry about the hours. I, as you know, haven't slept through the night since the first time I saw "The Wizard Of Oz", thank you Mum, so I tend to do my crafts in the middle of the night, but the walls are very thick. You won't hear a thing. Oh, now, the hot water in the bathroom...(Doyle comes out of their room and starts to att*ck Paris throwing her on the floor)
DOYLE: AAAAAHHHH! (they wrestle a bit rolling around on the floor as Rory observes a bit stunned. Doyle eventually pins Paris down) Aha! You let your guard down, Geller, and I did it. I got the best of you.
PARIS: I was giving a tour!
DOYLE: Admit your defeat!
PARIS: Never. Rematch.
DOYLE: Challenge accepted. (releases her and they both get up)
PARIS: Helmets on.
RORY: What are you doing? What's going on? (Paris and Doyle start getting some protection wear out of a trunk and start to put them on)
PARIS: When we moved into the neighbourhood, we thought it would be good to take some self-defence classes.
DOYLE: Krav Maga, official self-defence, hand-to-hand combat style of Israel.
RORY: Oh.
DOYLE: Krav Maga is not about being a tough guy or fighting in a ring. It's about going home alive, no matter what.
PARIS: And it's the rush. (now both in full gear)
DOYLE: Pads on.
PARIS: att*ck on 3. 1...2... (they start to fight)
RORY: OK, I'm gonna go get the rest of my stuff, so I'm just gonna...(as they fight Paris gets Doyle in a headlock)
DOYLE: Ugh! Steinbeck! Steinbeck!
PARIS: That's not your safety word.
DOYLE: (with a manoeuvre pins Paris down again) I know. It's "Saroyan".
PARIS: You've been practicing behind my back. I love you. (Rory exits)
(CUT to outside, morning. Lorelai and Sookie are walking down a street and they seem to be looking for something. Sookie is holding apiece of paper with an address written on it and Lorelai has a cup of take out coffee)
SOOKIE: 3418. 3418. Did we pass 3418?
LORELAI: Boy, this is some weak coffee.
SOOKIE: Maybe I wrote it down wrong. "Across the street from a butcher". Or a "barber". Or a "Barbara". "Across the street from a Barbara". Ooh, I wonder if it's a famous Barbara, like Streisand or Mandrell.
LORELAI: OK, I give. (throws the coffee away)
SOOKIE: Oh, I think we passed it. This was supposed to be the best place to find wedding invitations, and now we've passed it!
LORELAI: And since we passed it, it's just vanished from the face of the earth, never to be seen again. Here. Let me see the paper. (takes the paper from Sookie and reads) Oh, yeah, we passed it.
SOOKIE: Of course we have.
LORELAI: And we're on the wrong side of the street.
SOOKIE: Of course we are. (notices something - a bridal store) Ooh! Look, look.
LORELAI: What? Aw geez!
SOOKIE: Let's go in. (they walk up to the store window)
LORELAI: Why?
SOOKIE: To look at dresses!
LORELAI: Oh, Sookie, I don't even know what kind of dress I want. I may even make my own dress.
SOOKIE: So what? We can just go in and look around.
LORELAI: They're gonna look at us funny.
SOOKIE: What are you talking about? (sing songy voice) You have the golden ticket (points at the ring)
LORELAI: (holding up her left hand) I do, don't I?
SOOKIE: (sing songy voice and bouncing up and down) You have the golden ticket on your hand
LORELAI: Alright, alright. You're gonna stop singing when we go inside, right? Otherwise, they really will look at us funny. (they enter the store)
(CUT to inside store, continuous. The women enter)
LORELAI: Wow. There's a lot of white.
SOOKIE: (picks up a ugly dress from a rank) Ooh! Try this on. I dare you.
LORELAI: I think this is the one Divine turned down for being too over-the-top. (Sookie puts the dress back) Are we allowed to touch these?
SOOKIE: I don't know. Do you see anyone here?
LORELAI: No (looks around the store and notices something)
SOOKIE: Maybe they're in back. Maybe they've been taken hostage by the tulle. (Lorelai start walking towards a dummy dressed in a wedding dress) Where are you going? (Sookie follows) What are you doing?
LORELAI: Look.
SOOKIE: Pretty.
LORELAI: Not pretty. It's perfect. It's the perfect dress.
SOOKIE: Really? You think?
LORELAI: I don't believe it. I just turned around, and there it is, the perfect dress.
SOOKIE: It's your size.
LORELAI: The perfect dress is my size. That is weird. (looking around, while Sookie examines the dress) Does anyone work here? (calling out) Hello! Does anyone work here?!
SOOKIE: Oh, my God.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: It's on sale. (the girls looks excited and gasp a bit)
LORELAI: It's the perfect dress. That's it. I'm trying it on. (Sookie squeals, and they both giggle) Oh my God, look at this. (at the dress) Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not looking for anything serious.
(CUT to Kim's antiques, evening. Mrs.Kim is fussing with some merchandise as Lane comes in)
Mrs.KIM: Look. Woman come in here. Tell me this is full set of 1950s milk glass. Does she think my mother dropped me on my head when I'm a baby? I know Nigella Lawson when I see it.
LANE: I'm going upstairs. (starts to move towards the staircase)
Mrs.KIM: Wait. Talk. How was work?
LANE: I handed people food for six and a half hours. It's every little girl's dream.
Mrs.KIM: I'm making kimchi dumplings tonight.
LANE: I smell like burgers and fries, so I'll have to shower.
Mrs.KIM: OK
LANE: which means I won't be ready for dinner for at least 45 minutes.
Mrs.KIM: Fine. I need to make the dumplings. Dumpling don't make themselves.
LANE: And you might want to put on your Korean television show. Because I'm gonna listen to music, and it's going to be music that you don't approve of. But I'm 21 now, so I'll listen to the music I like when I like, and that's just the way it's gonna be. (Lane goes upstairs as Mrs.Kim breathes deeply and looks concerned)
(CUT to Yale, evening. A professor comes out of her office. Rory tries to catch up with her)
RORY: Professor Jolene! Professor Jolene!
Prof.JOLENE: Sorry. I'm in a bit of a hurry.
RORY: That's OK. Don't slow down. I'll catch up. (runs up to her) Hi. Rory Gilmore. (they talk as they walk)
Prof.JOLENE: Nice to meet you, Rory.
RORY: And you. Really! I'm actually hoping to get a spot in your class. It was full by the time I got my name in, not that my delay in registering should be taken as lack of enthusiasm.
Prof.JOLENE: Apparently not.
RORY: So, anyhow, I'm really hoping to score a spot in your class.
Prof.JOLENE: Well, add/drop begins tomorrow.
RORY: I'm aware of that. I just thought I would start putting in a good word for myself right now. So here's the good word: I'm dying to be in your class. I even bought your book, see (show the books she's holding), the one you wrote for the class. I bought it new, not used, so you get full royalty payment on it.
Prof.JOLENE: Well, thank you.
RORY: I want to be in your class.
Prof.JOLENE: I can't make you any promises, but I appreciate your enthusiasm. And, by the way, I get full royalties whether you buy me book new or used.
RORY: See how much I've learned already?
Prof.JOLENE: Goodbye, Rory.
RORY: I will see you tomorrow. (Prof.Jolene walks away and Rory makes her way to the coffee cart. She comes closer and sees that Logan is sitting, waiting next to the coffee cart. She stops, he gets up)
LOGAN: I knew you'd have to h*t the coffee cart eventually. (she turns and walks away. Logan looks disappointed)
(CUT to Luke's diner, night. Luke is closing up as Lorelai knocks on the diner door holding a box. He opens the door, she enters)
LORELAI: Well, we're done.
LUKE: We're done with what?
LORELAI: With the wedding preparations. We're all done. (Lorelai walks over to the counter and leaves the box)
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: I just dropped off a deposit check to the caterer, and I brought you some duck-sausage rolls, by the way. (gives him a small take out box)
LUKE: Duck-Sausage rolls. (he takes the take out container and moves behind the counter)
LORELAI: I know. They sounded weird to me, too, but they're incredible.
LUKE: I don't understand. How did this happen? This morning, you didn't know whether you were gonna wear a white dress or not.
LORELAI: I know. But then Sookie and I went to check out these invitations, you know, and right next door, there was this little bridal shop, and we thought, "Oh, we'll just go in, look around, you know no big deal", you know, just girl fun, right? And I went in, and I turned around, and there it was. The perfect dress.
LUKE: The...
LORELAI: The bodice is this blush-coloured silk tulle, and it has all these little crystal beads on it, and the skirt is a blush silk tulle with a blush silk/satin lining, and the back goes into a train. And, oh, it has a cream, satin sash, so you get a little white in there, which I know is very important to you. I tried it on, and it fit me perfectly, and it was on sale, and so I bought it. And from the minute I bought the dress, everything else fell into place.
LUKE: What does that mean?
LORELAI: Well, the dress is strapless, so, hello, summer wedding. And summer means daisies, so flower choice done. And we went into the stationery store, and there was the perfect daisy invitations, which I know sounds a little girly, but, seriously, there are no macho wedding invitations, so please just give me this one, OK?
LUKE: OK.
LORELAI: OK, so I bought the invitations, the place is running a special. They print the invites and mail them for you and handle the RSVP list, so that's done. Then we go to get some coffee, and in the window of the coffee shop, there is a picture of a beautiful rose-covered church. And I thought, "gee, that's pretty. I wonder where that is". And do you know where it is?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Right around the corner from the coffee shop. So we went in and talked to Pastor Todd.
LUKE: Pastor Todd?
LORELAI: And the church is perfect. And out back, there's a separate function hall with these floor-to-ceiling windows and doors that open out. And behind the hall is this old carrousel.
LUKE: A carrousel?
LORELAI: From 1850. And it should be fully restored and working by June 3rd, which, by the way, is the date of our wedding.
LUKE: June 3rd?
LORELAI: Yes. Which is also miraculously a date that absolutely no one in Stars Hollow has a conflict with, and the Pastor was running a special.
LUKE: A special?
LORELAI: Yeah. I rented the church. And he gave me the hall for half price, and he threw in the use of the carrousel for nothing. And his sister runs a catering company, and Sookie blessed it, and so basically that's it, we're done!
LUKE: Huh!
LORELAI: It was so weird how this happened, you know. It's like the dress was a sign or something.
LUKE: There are no signs.
LORELAI: (notices that is started snowing) Oh, my god!
LUKE: What!?
LORELAI: Oh, my god! It started snowing. (Luke starts to walk back to her side of the counter) It started snowing right as I started talking about signs. That, my friend, is a sign.
LUKE: (now on her side of the counter) That is not a sign. That is weather.
LORELAI: No, this is more than weather. This is fate.
LUKE: June 3rd, huh?
LORELAI: June 3rd.
LUKE: That's soon.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: It's less than five months away.
LORELAI: I know. (they kiss) OK, I better get this back home before the snow gets any worse. (picks up the box and walk towards the door) Oh, and I picked out your tuxedo. You can stop by the place anytime you want, and they were running a special, so the alterations are free.
(Lorelai exits the diner, and Luke is left alone he sits on chair looking a bit concerned)
(CUT to Yale Daily News, morning. The staff, including Rory and Doyle, are sitting around as Paris is handing out the beats)
PARIS: City b*at, Martha Billings. Editorials, Peter Brooke. Sports, Russ Tamblen. Religion b*at, Heather Torrance. Religion b*at, my former b*at. Good luck, Heather. And features, Arlen Sather, Nick Scott, and the returning Rory Gilmore. Also joining our ranks this year, our former editor Doyle McMaster and his new column "the world according to Doyle". It's going to be a great term, people, an important term, a term to change the history of the Yale Daily News. The work will be hard. It has to be hard. Nothing less than perfect will be tolerated. Please remember that I am your editor. I am not your mother or your hugger. If you need some love, get a hooker. If you're having a bad day, find a ledge or a way to deal. My door is not open to you ever. You have five minutes to enjoy your cookies. Welcome to the Yale Daily News. (the meeting breaks up, the staffers go back to their desks as Rory goes up to Paris)
RORY: Thanks for the features b*at, Paris.
PARIS: You deserve it. You're a good writer.
RORY: Thank you. And, I know, you're gonna be a great editor.
PARIS: I plan on it.
RORY: Yeah. But, you know, you might want to ease up just a tad.
PARIS: What do you mean?
RORY: You know, the "five minutes for the cookies", the "no talking" signs posted everywhere, the "no decorating your desk" rule, the new demerit system, the locks on the bathroom doors. It's just all a little, um, harsh and restrictive. This is a newsroom. People should be able to talk, yell, joke around...
PARIS: I don't agree.
RORY: ...Go to the bathroom.
PARIS: Journalism is an art form, and the best art is created under repression, like Stalin's gulag. You think Solzhenitsyn could have written "One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovich" on a yoga retreat?
RORY: Paris, I don't really think...
PARIS: Oh, great. (Rory looks around and we see Logan just entered the news room and greats another staffer) I got a call saying your boyfriend was coming back.
RORY: He's not my boyfriend anymore, Paris. We broke up.
PARIS: Hey, keep your personal stuff at home, OK? I can't be seen caring about this. (calling out to Logan) My door is not open! (gets Logan's attention) Huntzberger! My office, now! (Paris goes to her office and Logan follows her, he tries to great Rory who avoids him. She goes over to her desk and starts collecting her stuff)
(CUT to Paris's office, continuous. Paris is standing as Logan walks in)
PARIS: Sit down, Logan. Let's have a little talk about your future.
LOGAN: Sure, Paris. (Paris goes behind her desk and sits. Logan sits on a chair opposite her)
PARIS: Now, I know you think your sugar daddy runs the world, and that includes this paper, and possibly in the past that was true, but not anymore. You don't scare me. (Logan leans back on his chair to get a clear view of Rory's desk, which he sees is empty) Your daddy doesn't scare me. Your mommy doesn't scare me. If you have a brother, a sister, or a really angry cat, they don't scare me, either. Hey, either spin a plate on your nose while you do that or cut it out, 'cause I am speaking.
LOGAN: Sorry.
PARIS: Oh, you will be. Now let's talk about deadlines, emphasis on "d*ad".
(CUT to outside Rory, Paris and Doyle's apartment, morning. Rory is giving Lorelai a tour. They come up the stairs)
RORY: So, the elevator's getting fixed on Monday, but I'm thinking I may not even use it 'cause the stairs are excellent exercise. And I love having a hallway. I've never had a hallway before. And I am really lucky that Paris and Doyle hadn't rented out that other room yet. I mean, this location is really in demand.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: (starts to unlock the door) Oh, yeah. I mean, it is literally 10 minutes from campus. You know how hard I'm gonna have to work to be late for class?
LORELAI: Those guys down there, are they your neighbours?
RORY: Um, no. They're a Doo-Wop group.
LORELAI: Um. (seeing all the locks on the door) You have some plutonium back there or something?
RORY: Uh, no, just Paris, you know. She's quirky. (kicks the door, and opens) OK, welcome to my place.
(CUT to inside apartment, continuous. The girls enter)
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Mom, give it a chance.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Look, we have a really big living room.
LORELAI: Uh, No.
RORY: I know it just looks rundown, but everything works fine.
LORELAI: (looking at the kitchen) No!
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: No.
RORY: (Lorelai starts to walk around the house) OK, tour's over. Time for lunch.
LORELAI: (pointing at stuff around the house) No.
RORY: Let's go.
LORELAI: (keeps on pointing)No. No. (opens Paris and Doyle's bedroom door. They are fighting, well actually Paris is kicking Doyle?s ass. Lorelai covers Rory's eyes)
DOYLE: Saroyan! Saroyan!
LORELAI: Aah!
LORELAI: No, no, no.
RORY: OK, OK. (they start to exit)
(CUT to Kim's antiques, morning. Lane is trying to make a sale)
CUSTOMER: It's very nice.
LANE: It's one of a kind.
CUSTOMER: Will you take two fifty?
LANE: For that chair?
CUSTOMER: Well, it does have some nicks.
LANE: That chair is two hundred years old. It's gonna have some nicks. It sat in James Madison's bedroom. This chair is a piece of history. We shouldn't even be allowed to sell it to you.
CUSTOMER: Well, I didn't mean to insult you.
LANE: You didn't insult me. You insulted the chair and the United States of America.
CUSTOMER: All right. Three hundred's fine.
LANE: Forget it.
CUSTOMER: That's what the price tag says.
LANE: The price just went up flag burner. If you want the chair, it's three fifty. If you don't, please leave, because I have a lot of work to do.
CUSTOMER: Well...
LANE: Bye.
CUSTOMER: Three fifty. Here. (starts to get money out of her purse) Do you take cash?
LANE: Exact change only.
CUSTOMER: I don't suppose you have a delivery service. (Lane sternly looks at her) Oh, that's okay. I'll...I'll take it with me right now. (takes the chair and starts to leave. Lane goes off to put the money away. Mrs.Kim come up to her)
Mrs.KIM: You forgot to kick her in the pants as she walked out.
LANE: I made the sale, didn't I?
Mrs.KIM: Yes, but with a little less bite. A customer might come back.
LANE: You always drive a hard bargain.
Mrs.KIM: Yes, I do.
LANE: OK, then!
Mrs.KIM: We do have a delivery service.
LANE: Yeah, me in a minivan. Not in the mood, no matter how exciting the prospect of a $2 tip is.
Mrs.KIM: Too bad it's not Christmas. That smiley face of yours would cheer up children for miles around. (Zach comes in the store)
LANE: Oh, Zach (walk up to him)...Zach! You have a lot of nerve just to walk into my place like this.
ZACH: What are you talking about? This is like a place of business. Maybe I want to buy some antiques.
LANE: Oh, right!
ZACH: You're not wearing your glasses anymore.
LANE: What do you want, Zach?
ZACH: I think you have a CD of mine.
LANE: What CD?
ZACH: You know, the one with like a crazy-looking chick on it.
LANE: I don't have any of your CDs, Zach.
ZACH: I think you do. I can go up to your room and check it out. (start to walk upstairs)
LANE: (stops him) No! Zach, you can't go up to my room and check. I'll look and if I find a CD with a crazy-looking chick on it, I'll mail it to you.
ZACH: Seriously? Let's go upstairs and look now.
LANE: I'm working, Zach.
ZACH: Yeah, I can tell there's a major rush on ancient crap going on her... (Mrs.Kim walks up to assist a customer and notices the scene going on)
LANE: (pushes him towards the door) Bye, Zach!
ZACH: Five minutes, Lane.
LANE: Out, Zach!
ZACH: It's my favourite CD.
LANE: Out!
ZACH: Fine! (he leaves)
Mrs.KIM: (to customer) I'm sorry
LANE: (at the customer) Hey, you break it, you buy it!
(CUT to Rich Man's Shoe pub, morning. Lorelai and Rory are having lunch)
LORELAI: Oh, Rory.
RORY: Come on. It's not so bad.
LORELAI: It's "Angela's Ashes".
RORY: It's basic.
LORELAI: It's "Sanford and Son".
RORY: Mom, the neighbourhood is safe. A ton of kids from school live there. And they have a safety van that goes to and from campus, so I don't have to walk home at night.
LORELAI: That wasn't a Doo-Wop group, was it?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Let's call daddy. Make him pay for an apartment with one lock.
RORY: No. Look, this is the way it's supposed to be. I am in college. Don't you see? I'm supposed to live in a crappy apartment. I'm supposed to eat ramen noodles and mac and cheese for months. I've been living in a pool house with maids and fresh-cut flowers and mints on my pillow every night.
LORELAI: You got to love my mother sometimes.
RORY: This is good and right, and I'm happy, and I have roommates who are learning to k*ll people, so where is the bad? Now let's talk about you. How are the wedding plans going?
LORELAI: Done.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: All done.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: The dress, the cake, the place, the invitations. June 3rd, by the way.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: Yeah. I also bought your dress and shoes.
RORY: How did all this happen?
LORELAI: Well, I found this dress, which, at the time, seemed like the perfect dress, and from the dress, all the other details fell into place. By the end of the day I was done.
RORY: That's great.
LORELAI: Is it?
RORY: Isn't it?
LORELAI: I don't know. Yes, sure, I thought it was. I mean I thought it was a sign or something, you know, finding the dress. And then when, oohh when it started to snow, I was like, "somebody's telling me something".
RORY: So it would seem.
LORELAI: But then I started thinking...
RORY: Uh-oh.
LORELAI: It was all too easy. Planning a wedding shouldn't be easy because marriage isn't easy.
RORY: How do you know? You've never been married.
LORELAI: Exactly.
RORY: "Exactly" what?
LORELAI: I have never been married because it's not easy, and I usually freak out and screw everything up. I freaked out and screwed everything up with Max, remember?
RORY: Yeah, but...
LORELAI: But I haven't freaked out about Luke yet. Why haven't I freaked out about Luke yet? It's my pattern. It's what I do, and then I started freaking out about the fact that I hadn't freaked out.
RORY: Oh, dear! You got caught in the circle of freak out.
LORELAI: What if this dress is really a bad sign, not a good sign? What if the dress is telling me that it's so right, it's wrong?
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: What if I'm about to bail out and I don't even know it?
RORY: You are driving yourself crazy.
LORELAI: What if all the signs are saying things shouldn't be this easy, that I shouldn't get the guy I want? What if it's like that "Twilight Zone" where the woman on a horse is being chased by another woman on a horse who turns out is older her chasing younger her, trying to tell her that she should not run off with the guy she's going to run off with because it will be a terrible, terrible mistake.
RORY: OK, King George, take a breath, eat a fry, and listen to me. The dress is a good sign. Everything fell into place because it should. It's all right. The dress is right, the date is right, Luke is right. And the snow. Remember the snow? The snow never lies.
LORELAI: I guess.
RORY: Be happy. This is all good.
LORELAI: Thanks. I'm gonna miss you when you're m*rder and stuffed into a dumpster by the Doo-Wop group.
RORY: So tell me about my dress.
LORELAI: Two words "hoop skirt"
RORY: Nice.
LORELAI: In a lovely shade of tangerine.
RORY: Excellent.
LORELAI: And the minute I saw it, I thought, "this would totally be Rory if only it had a few more ruffles".
RORY: A fry with your evilness?
LORELAI: Why, thank you.
(CUT to Nardini house, morning. Luke knocks on the door. Anna opens)
ANNA: Hello, stranger.
LUKE: Hey. Uh, can...can I come in?
ANNA: Why not?
(CUT to inside house, continuous)
LUKE: Sorry about barging in on you like that.
ANNA: Hey, it's fine. I'm making tea. You want some tea?
LUKE: Uh, sure. Tea sounds like tea. (Anna goes off to the kitchen to prep the tea)
ANNA: April's not here right now. She's tracking a grub migration. All inquiries stopped after the word "grub".
LUKE: That's okay. I came by to see you, actually.
ANNA: Oh, yeah?
LUKE: Yeah. (looking around the house) You got a lot of stuff here. You sell clothes?
ANNA: Clothes, pillows, candles, fabrics. It's one of those everything kind of boutiques that used to send you in a "what do people need with all this crap?" kind of rant.
LUKE: Oh, yeah. Well, that's nice.
ANNA: (walk up to him and hands him a cup) Thanks. Here.
LUKE: Thanks. (sips) It tastes like tea.
ANNA: Uh, this is weird.
LUKE: I know.
ANNA: It's been a very long time.
LUKE: I know.
ANNA: I actually saw you once about five years ago in the parking lot of some lumberyard.
LUKE: Yeah?
ANNA: Yeah, I waved, but you either didn't see me or didn't want to see me.
LUKE: I didn't see you. I would have waved back, unless I was holding stuff, and then I would have nodded or something.
ANNA: Sure. I'm sure. I thought about you when the Red Sox won.
LUKE: Really?
ANNA: I knew it would be a big day for you.
LUKE: It was.(after a b*at) How come you didn't tell me, Anna?
ANNA: Luke...
LUKE: It was a phone call.
ANNA: We should sit down. (they sit)
LUKE: I've been in the same place forever. Haven't moved. You certainly knew how to find me.
ANNA: Luke, come on. We'd already broken up by the time I found out, and I knew how you felt about kids.
LUKE: What do you mean, "how I felt about kids"?
ANNA: You hate kids.
LUKE: I don't hate kids.
ANNA: What are you talking about?
LUKE: I don't!
ANNA: We couldn't go the movies before ten o'clock at night in case there were kids in the theatre.
LUKE: Well, kids talk during a movie, and they throw crap around. They run up and down the aisles. They're animals.
ANNA: We would move tables in a restaurant if they seated us near a family.
LUKE: Only if there was something crying or spitting up.
ANNA: You would flip out if you saw a woman breast-feeding in public, you couldn't stand to watch diaper commercials and you had an unnatural hatred of Macaulay Culkin.
LUKE: OK, fine. I hated kids, but I'm not that guy anymore.
ANNA: Thirteen years ago, you were that guy.
LUKE: It doesn't mean I would have been like that with my kid. I mean even if I would have been like that with my kid, I still had a right to know.
ANNA: I'm sorry.
LUKE: Yeah. Well, you know, I could have helped. I could have helped pay for stuff and take care of things.
ANNA: I didn't need you to pay for stuff or take care of things.
LUKE: This is my responsibility, too. And now that I know, I have to do something.
ANNA: What does that mean? It means I want to offer you whatever assistance I can.
ANNA: I don't...
LUKE: Monetary, of course, and compensation for the past 12 years.
ANNA: But we really don't need anything. It was not my idea for April to call you. It was all her thing. She got obsessed with winning that science contest, and she's really a smart, driven kid. She's already written a short novel, and she's got her own website. So she went through my old letters and put the whole thing together and, frankly, didn't tell me anything about it till way after the fact. I did not send her to you.
LUKE: I know you didn't, but she came to me, and now I know, and I want to help. I'm not talking about contact here. I know you've got your life, here. I don't want to mess things up. I just want to live up to my end of the bargain.
ANNA: You don't owe us anything, Luke. We want for nothing and always have. But if you want to chip in, then, sure, chip in.
LUKE: Really? Great. That's great. That's really...Thank you.
ANNA: Thank you.
LUKE: Yeah. OK, well, that's all I came to say, so...so I guess I'll get going. (they put the cups down and get up)
ANNA: Hey Luke, it was really great seeing you.
LUKE: You too. Tell April "hi" for me. (they start walking to the door)
ANNA: I will do that. Hey, Luke.
LUKE: Yeah?
ANNA: You happy?
LUKE: Yeah.
ANNA: Me too. This is pretty cool, isn't it?
LUKE: Yeah, it is. (he exits)
(CUT to outside Rory, Paris and Doyle's apartment, morning. Rory is coming up the stairs, and notices something. It's Logan waiting outside of the apartment with coffee. She tries to ignore him)
LOGAN: I brought coffee, but it's cold. (she puts down her stuff without answering him and starts to open the door) It's a nice place you got here. I've been discussing the "baking soda to actual crack" ratio you can get away with your neighbours downstairs. 2 to 1 during the daylight, 3 to 1 at night.
RORY: I have ten minutes to change. Then I have someplace I have to be.
LOGAN: It's gonna take you twenty to unlock your door.
RORY: Bye, Logan.
LOGAN: This place is a dump, Rory. You can't live here.
RORY: (turns around to face him) You don't get to care about where I live anymore, Logan. You broke up with me...through your sister.
LOGAN: I didn't mean for that to happen.
RORY: You're a coward. Mr."Life and Death Brigade" can't even break up with his girlfriend.
LOGAN: Honor was bugging me, and I just told her we broke up to shut her up. I needed some time.
RORY: So you didn't mean it?
LOGAN: No, I did. I just...it was too much for me, OK?
RORY: It was a fight. People fight.
LOGAN: Yeah, well I don't fight, I don't want to be screaming at you at a bar. I can't take that. It's too much drama.
RORY: Well, if you can't take the drama, then you shouldn't even be in a relationship, which, by the way, you're not, so everything's good.
LOGAN: It's not that easy.
RORY: Sure, it is.
LOGAN: You want some help?
RORY: Nope.
LOGAN: I bet one of those guys downstairs could help you out getting into a locked apartment.
RORY: Ugh! (does the kicking the door part of opening the door) Just go be somewhere else, Logan.
LOGAN: (she starts to pick up her stuff) I thought that I wanted to break up. I thought that it was a stupid experiment, me trying to be a boyfriend, that it didn't work, and I'd just move on. And I didn't. Couldn't, actually. (as she's about to go in) Rory...I love you.
RORY: (stares at him for a b*at) I have an appointment. I have to go. (she goes in the apartment and leaves Logan outside who's looking a bit upset)
(CUT to Dr.Shapiro's office - the shrink -, morning. The Doctor opens the door and Rory enters)
RORY: Sorry I'm late.
Dr.SHAPIRO: Well, considering how many times you rescheduled, I'm just happy you're here at all.
RORY: I was just spending some time with my mother, you know. We were apart for a while, so...
Dr.SHAPIRO: You were?
RORY: Yeah.
Dr.SHAPIRO: Falling-out?
RORY: Nothing major. Just mother/daughter stuff. (the Doc nods, Rory trying to get out of an uncomfortable situation) I don't have to lie down, do I?
Dr.SHAPIRO: No. That's not a "lying down" couch. (they walk over to sit down)
RORY: Good. (they sit and the doc take out his notes)
Dr.SHAPIRO: So, did this falling-out have anything to do with your dropping out of school?
RORY: Boy, we just jumped into this, didn't we?
Dr.SHAPIRO: You want to talk about something else first?
RORY: No.
Dr.SHAPIRO: I mean, we're here to talk about you leaving school, so I figured, "let's just start there". What happened?
RORY: Nothing. We fought. I'm fine. We're fine.
Dr.SHAPIRO: I hear you had some legal problems. (as he talks he takes notes)
RORY: My, those are some big ears you have there, grandma.
Dr.SHAPIRO: Stealing a boat is a pretty big deal.
RORY: I was upset.
Dr.SHAPIRO: About what?
RORY: About life and things and stuff.
Dr.SHAPIRO: You spent a night in jail?
RORY: Yes, I did.
Dr.SHAPIRO: How did that feel?
RORY: Great.
Dr.SHAPIRO: You don't want to talk about this, either?
RORY: I'm just...I'm sick of talking about it, that's all.
Dr.SHAPIRO: You seem very agitated.
RORY: I'm not agitated. I... So, I spent a night in jail. Big deal. So did Martin Luther King.
Dr.SHAPIRO: Are you comparing yourself with Martin Luther King?
RORY: No, I'm not. I just, I'm saying that he spent a night in jail, too.
Dr.SHAPIRO: You were arrested with your boyfriend?
RORY: Yes, I was.
Dr.SHAPIRO: Tell me about that.
RORY: About what? He was my boyfriend then, and now he's not.
Dr.SHAPIRO: He's not?
RORY: No, he's not. We broke up. No. Oh, no. I'm sorry. He broke up. I thought that we were just taking some time, but apparently I'm a moron.
Dr.SHAPIRO: (consulting his notes) Uh, this is Logan?
RORY: What, you have his name, too? Super. Do you also have the picture of him hijacking me in my hallway earlier today?
Dr.SHAPIRO: I'm sorry. What?
RORY: I mean how fair is that? He's gone, and then he shows up out of the blue. (mimicking Logan's voice) "You can't live here. This place is a dump. And, by the way, I love you". (normal voice) "I love you"?! Is he serious?!
Dr.SHAPIRO: I don't know.
RORY: (getting all worked up and in the verge of tears) Nothing for weeks, and then he just decides that he loves me. So, what happens now? I get another Birkin bag? And how long until he doesn't love me again, huh? (the doc passes her a box of tissues, because she's started to cry. Rory takes the box and takes a tissue) I stole a boat with him! I never stole a boat with Dean!
Dr.SHAPIRO: Who's Dean?
RORY: My married ex-boyfriend who I lost my virginity to!
Dr.SHAPIRO: Wow. (takes some notes)
RORY: Yeah. I'm a treat. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I-I don't think I can take running into him every day in the halls and the paper and the coffee cart. Oh, my god. I'm gonna have to quit drinking coffee, and I love coffee! (breaking down in tears and gabbing as many tissues as she can, as the doctor looks very concerned) I really love coffee.
(CUT to outside Stars Hollow, morning. Kirk and Luke are walking around town. Kirk is holding a laptop trying to find a wireless less internet, Luke is following him)
LUKE: I feel like an idiot.
KIRK: Just relax, Luke. It should only take a couple more minutes.
LUKE: I've been following you around the town square for half an hour.
KIRK: I know there's a wireless internet hub around here somewhere. Ah! (moves back and forth a bit) No. Encrypted. I used to use the bank's access, but I had to stand right in front of the versa teller machine, and they got very snippy about that. Then Doose's had it for a while, but Taylor but a block on it. It's sad what this world is coming to.
LUKE: You know what, why don't I just find someone who actually has the internet?
KIRK: Hold on. Hold on. We have achieved contact.
LUKE: We have?
KIRK: Yes, courtesy of Stars Hollow Books. (they sit at the edge of the sidewalk) OK. Now, tell me what you need.
LUKE: Uh, I just, uh, need to look up a website.
KIRK: OK. Give me the name, and I'll type it in for you.
LUKE: Well I...
KIRK: Hold on. Is this one of those websites? 'Cause if they'll come after Pete Townsend, no one is safe.
LUKE: Kirk, just tell me what to do,
and I'll do it myself.
KIRK: Are you sure?
LUKE: Yes. Just, (takes the laptop) here.
KIRK: OK, give me your hand, (reaches to grab Luke's hand) and I'll guide...
LUKE: (slaps Kirk's hand away) Stop it.
KIRK: Oouii! Alright. Just click here, then type in the name of the website here, then press here.
LUKE: OK.
KIRK: This makes the page go up and down...
LUKE: Yeah, I can figure out the rest, Kirk.
KIRK: Alright. I'll be over here if you need me. (gets up)
LUKE: I've never felt safer in my life. (Luke opens Aprils' site and snoops around a bit. Sees pictures of her -birthdays, with friends, with her uncle in a back brace- and looks very proud, happy and a bit sad)
(CUT to Kim's antiques, night. It's closing time. Mrs.Kim is saying goodbye to the last customer as Lane comes up to her)
Mrs.KIM: Thank you for coming. We appreciate your business. (locks the door)
LANE: Everything's dusted. The receipts are organized. I'm not hungry. I'm going upstairs. (starts to walk up the staircase)
Mrs.KIM: Lane Kim! Come down now! (Lane come back down. Mrs.Kim turns around the closed sign and closes the door window shutter) Follow me. (they start walking around the store for Mrs.Kim to close the curtains Help me. (they move a dresser to cover a window without curtains) Good. Come.
(they go to the kitchen. Mrs.Kim uses a chair to reach up to a high kitchen cupboard. Lane looks surprised as her mother gets out a hidden bottle of vodka and two sh**t glasses. Mrs.Kim motions Lane to sit, they both do, and she serves the drink)
LANE: (picks up the glass and smells the content) Whoa.
Mrs.KIM: Lane, it's been six weeks since you come home. You have grieved, and now we move on. (they drink) Ahh. One more. (she pours some more)
(CUT to Lorelai's bedroom, night. Lorelai is looking at the dress, which is hanging on the closet door, as PA come up and starts barking)
LORELAI: Hey, buddy. Yeah, there is something weird about it, right? What? What is it? (Lorelai opens the closet door and PA enters, picks up a shoe and leaves. Lorelai looks resigned with the concept of PA stealing shoes. The phone starts to ring and she picks it up) Hello?
RORY: (on phone) Guess who's crazy.
LORELAI: Who?
RORY: (on phone) Me.
LORELAI: You? Since when?
(CUT to Yale, continuous. Rory is at the dining room hall. The scene switches between Rory at Yale and Lorelai at home)
RORY: Since I went all Frances Farmer in my psychologists evaluation today.
LORELAI: Alright, I'm on the bed and comfortable. Should I get popcorn, or is it a shorter story than that?
RORY: I went home from class to get ready for the appointment, and Logan was there.
LORELAI: At your apartment?
RORY: In the hallway. And, of course, I couldn't get my door open fast enough, so he started talking.
LORELAI: What did he say?
RORY: He said he loved me.
LORELAI: No way.
RORY: And it completely threw me. And I got out of there as fast as I could. But then I got to Dr.Shapiro's office, and he started peppering me with all these questions, and I just got more and more upset. Then I exploded all over the place. I went through two boxes of kleenex, I started hyperventilating, and I had to breathe into a paper bag.
LORELAI: Do you believe him?
RORY: Believe who?
LORELAI: Logan. Do you believe he loves you?
RORY: I don't know. I guess I can figure that out next week in therapy.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: After my little meltdown, Dr.Shapiro thinks I should come see him once a week for the next two months.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
RORY: There are no jokes in the mental-health field, only hand puppets, inkblots, and inflatable anger bats.
LORELAI: I'm so sorry you're a nut.
RORY: That's OK. I'm sure Dr.Shapiro has a nice padded room for me.
LORELAI: Well don't let them put you on any of those pills. Tom Cruise will be very upset.
RORY: Alright. I should go. I have a massive amount of reading to do. I just wanted to call and say "hi".
LORELAI: OK. Remember. Blame it all on Grandma.
RORY: Will do.
LORELAI: Bye.
RORY: Bye. (they hang up)
(Lorelai looks over at the dress)
(CUT to Luke's apartment, night. Luke is looking at him phone like he's trying to make a decision. Finally he starts looking through his pockets and takes out piece of paper and dials, breathing "OK". He calls Anna, who is fussing with some pillows. The scene switches between Luke's apartment and Anna's house)
ANNA: (picks up the phone) Hold on. (throws it on the floor)
LUKE: Hello?
ANNA: Just a sec. Major pillow emergency happening here.
LUKE: What? Anna?
ANNA: (picks the phone from the floor) Sorry. Hi. Who's this?
LUKE: It's, uh, Luke.
ANNA: Luke? Wow, when it rains, it...
LUKE: I saw her website.
ANNA: Her...?
LUKE: I saw her pictures. The one in the lab and the one with the Christmas tree, and you never told me she wore a back brace. Why was she wearing a back brace?
ANNA: Oh, she had just read "Deenie". It was a phase.
LUKE: Well, still, I should have known.
ANNA: That she had just read "Deenie"?
LUKE: Yes, and that she was going through a phase and was a science wiz and wear crazy bike helmets and glasses and looked like me.
ANNA: Just the nose.
LUKE: The nose is something. I mean, there's no one else running around with my nose.
ANNA: That you know of.
LUKE: Is this funny to you?
ANNA: No. I'm sorry.
LUKE: You should've told me.
ANNA: Luke, we went through all this already. I...
LUKE: I want contact.
ANNA: What?
LUKE: I want a relationship. I want to talk to her and see her on a regular basis.
ANNA: But you said...
LUKE: I don't care what I said. This is what I want. I want to know my own daughter, and I want her to know me.
ANNA: OK.
LUKE: Really?
ANNA: Well, it's really up to April, but if she's cool, then I'm cool.
LUKE: Oh. So, uh, is, uh, April there now?
ANNA: No. But she'll be home pretty soon. Can I have her call you?
LUKE: Yes. No.
ANNA: No?
LUKE: I should call her.
ANNA: She'll definitely be home by eight.
LUKE: Then I will call back at eight.
ANNA: OK.
LUKE: Thanks.
ANNA: You're welcome.
LUKE: Hey, Anna?
ANNA: Mmm?
LUKE: What the hell is "Deenie"?
ANNA: The gospel according to Judy Blume.
LUKE: What?
ANNA: It's a book, Luke. And now would probably be a good time for you to read it. Bye.
LUKE: Bye. (they hang up)
(CUT to Lorelai's house, night. Luke comes in looking for Lorelai)
LUKE: Lorelai!
LORELAI (OS): Uuuhh, Luke, I'm upstairs!
LUKE: Yeah, uh, can you come down? I have to talk to you about something.
LORELAI (OS): OK. Yes, I will come down, but I'm coming down in my wedding dress.
LUKE: What? No!
LORELAI (OS): Yes!
LUKE: It's bad luck for me to see the wedding dress.
LORELAI (OS): I know, but I need you to see this dress. There's something not right up here. It was too easy. I can't be objective anymore.
LUKE: But...
LORELAI (OS): Coming down.
LUKE: But I don't... (stops talking as he sees Lorelai coming down in the dress. She walks up to him)
LORELAI: Well?
LUKE: It's...you're perfect.
LORELAI: Really? Have you seen the back? I think the train's a little weird, and I can take it back if you don't think...
LUKE: It's perfect.
LORELAI: Are you sure? (he reaches out to kiss her and they do) OK. It's not bad luck if it's under five minutes. (she runs up the stairs and Luke is left alone looking upset with himself)
END Of Episode 6.11 - The Perfect Dress | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x11 - The Perfect Dress"} | foreverdreaming |
Previously on Gilmore Girls. Scenes from previous episodes.
(OPEN in Lorelai and Luke's bedroom, night. PA is sleeping at the foot of the bed and Luke and Lorelai are sleeping in it. Suddenly bells start ringing, and the couple wakes up startled)
LORELAI: Oh, my god!
LUKE: What is that?
LORELAI: What is...Is it in the house?
LUKE: It's church bells.
LORELAI: Whe...How'd the church bells get in the house?
LUKE: They're outside.
LORELAI: Whe...In the yard?
LUKE: No, at the church. What time is it?
LORELAI: It's three twelve. Why are the church bells ringing at three twelve?
LUKE: I don't know. I was having a dream, too. I was shopping for a car and I wanted to see the trunk space, and... 'cause I have a truck and it's convenient to haul things. So I wanted to see what the deal with the car was, and the salesman opened it. I asked him how many cubic feet it was and he looked it up in the manual and I was satisfied. So when he closed the hood, the bells rang.
LORELAI: You have very mundane dreams.
KIRK (mumbled from outside): Town meeting.
LORELAI: Huh!
MAN (mumbled from outside): Town meeting.
LORELAI: What was that?
LUKE: Some d*ad guy yelling something.
LORELAI: Ghosts are yelling something outside the house?
LUKE: No, guys I'm gonna k*ll yelling stuff outside the house.
KIRK (mumbled from outside): Town meeting.
LORELAI: What are they saying?
LUKE: There was a clown beating?
LORELAI: Huh! Not again.
MAN (mumbled from outside): Town meeting,
KIRK (clearly from outside): Town meeting.
LUKE: Now, they're saying, "town meeting".
LORELAI: Town meeting? At this hour?
LUKE: What the hell is Taylor up to?
(At the same time)
LUKE: Lets get back to sleep.
LORELAI: All right. Guess we better go.
LUKE: What? I'm going back to bed.
LORELAI: What? You can't go back to sleep.
LORELAI: Come on, it's a town meeting.
LUKE: It's the middle of the night.
LORELAI: Uh, sorry, we might miss something. (Lorelai gets out of bed and starts pulling Luke's arm, he groans)
(CUT to Patty's studio during the town meeting, same night. People in pj's are taking their seats around the hall as Lorelai and Luke enter)
LUKE: Oh, good, full house. Just goes to show how easily manipulated we all are. You ring a bell, we drool like dogs. (they walk towards a couple of seats and sit in front of Babette)
LORELAI: Just don't drool where we sit. It'll be messy.
BABETTE: Hey, you guys hear the bells?
LUKE: No, we were just on one of our spontaneous three-in-the-morning strolls, saw everybody in here, and wondered, "hey, what's up?".
BABETTE: Really?
LUKE: No.
BABETTE: (to Lorelai) He's cranky at three in the morning.
LORELAI: Any idea what this is about?
BABETTE: No, Taylor's not even here yet, and Kirk's up there, futzing with something, but he won't tell us what's going on.
KIRK: (from the stage, fussing with a screen) We're just about ready here, folks.
LUKE: Ready for what? What is this?
KIRK: Here we go. (presses a button on the screen. Taylor appears on the screen)
TAYLOR (From Screen): Greetings, everyone.
LORELAI: Taylor?
BABETTE: He's in a little box.
LUKE: The nightmare continues.
TAYLOR (From Screen): Is it looking okay, Kirk?
KIRK: Yeah, you could use a little pancake.
PATTY: Weird. I can still smell his cologne.
TAYLOR (From Screen): People, we have a tremendous problem that needs our immediate attention. That's why I chose the extraordinary step of broadcasting to you tonight from this remote location. (a ping-pong ball hits him on the head) Ow!
LUKE: What was that?
LORELAI: Looked like a ping-pong ball.
TAYLOR (From Screen): Now, as we all know, the Annual Stars Hollow Winter Carnival is this weekend. (another ping-pong ball hits him) Ow! (turns to someone we can't see on he screen) Timmy, do not throw ping-pong balls at me.
TIMMY (OS): You're a Doo-doo head.
TAYLOR (From Screen): And do not call me a Doo-doo head. I'm in the middle of something important.
LUKE: Where the hell are you, Taylor?
TAYLOR (From Screen): I'm at my sister's in Maine. Anyway, we have never not had a Stars Hollow Winter Carnival. It's a hundred and twenty-five year tradition.
LORELAI: Is he getting to the point soon?
BABETTE: Yeah, come on, Doo-doo head.
TAYLOR (From Screen): Fine, let's cut to the chase. I run the winter carnival, it's this weekend, and I am snowed in, unable to get back into town. (gets no reaction from the town)
PATTY: So, what's this about, Taylor?
TAYLOR (From Screen): Maybe it's the lateness of the hour or the computer connection isn't clear. (another ping-pong ball)
TIMMY (OS): Doo-doo head!
TAYLOR (From Screen): We have never had to cancel a carnival, and it's absolutely impossible for me to get back into town to run it. (Luke yawns)
BABETTE: I must be tired. I'm not getting this.
PATTY: It's like a riddle or something.
TAYLOR (From Screen): People, are you not hearing me? I won't be there to run the carnival. Draw the obvious conclusion.
PATTY: Oh, OK, I got it now.
TAYLOR (From Screen): Thank you, patty.
PATTY: Kirk, could you take it over?
KIRK: Sure.
PATTY: Great. Anything else, Taylor?
TAYLOR (From Screen): Oh, well, good for you, people. I guess we don't have to cancel it after all.
LORELAI: Thanks, Taylor. (to Luke. Pats his knee) Come on, let's get you to bed. (everyone starts to get up from their seats)
LUKE: (as they start to exit the studio) I'm gonna fall back to sleep and dream about running Taylor over in that car I was looking at.
LORELAI: Oh. Is there enough room to put his body in the trunk? (Luke nods as they exit)
TAYLOR (From Screen): Now, then, I would recommend that we immediately start discussing some details. The sooner, the better is always best. Now, then, food. We'll obviously have the carnival staples. (people are no longer paying attention to Taylor and are slowly exiting the hall. It's almost empty) French dip sandwiches, corn on the cob, apple cider, et cetera. Now, we almost ran out of hot chocolate last year, so I would recommend upping the supply by 11%. Timmy! Put down that Rubik?s cube. Timmy, do not throw that Rubik?s cube at me.
OPENING CREDITS
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Luke seems very tired as he's pouring coffee to some customers)
LUKE: Here...here...here.
CUSTOMER 1: This was tea.
LUKE: Now you got a hybrid. That's very in right now. (walks over to Lorelai's table who's drinking coffee and is going over some papers and stuff)
LORELAI: I've gotten so much done this morning, it's scary.
LUKE: Coffee? (walks over to a nearby table to get an empty cup)
LORELAI: I already got some. I saw the sunrise. I paid all my bills. (Luke brings the cup over and starts to pour coffee) I already got some, hon. And, this is a first, I saw the beginning of Katie Couric. I don't think I've seen the first five minutes of her in my life. You know, she and Matt Lauer are much more serious in the first half-hour than they are later on. I guess that makes sense. You know, you can afford to make people sad and angry about w*r and the economy and stuff when they first wake up. But then, just as they're heading to the office, you leave them with a dose of Matthew McConaughey, "people's sexiest man", and whoosh! they're rarin' to go.
LUKE: (yawing) Yeah, Matthew McConaughey always gets me rarin'. (Kirk outside is busy with the fair stuff)
LORELAI: And I'm even volunteering to, um, man a booth at the carnival this year. I got a great concept, too. What about you? You got anything special planned today?
LUKE: (startled and very nervous) Today? No, not today. It's a bunch of the same old, same old errands. The usual.
CUSTOMER 1: Not liking my "hybrid".
LUKE: Coming. (they peck on the lips) I'll call you later.
LORELAI: (pointing at the two cups of coffee) See what you did here?
LUKE: Sorry. (takes both cups and walks away)
LORELAI: Oh, no, wait, I want the one I had already. Oh, well, OK.
(CUT to hallway of Paris, Doyle and Rory's apartment, morning. Rory come up the stairs and stops as she notices something in front of their door. She goes over to pick it up as she nods her head disapprovingly. It's a vase of flowers. She unlocks the door)
(CUT to inside apartment, continuous. Paris is working on something in flower filled apartment as Rory enters. Paris notices the flowers)
PARIS: Oh, terrific. Bring 'em on in, Algernon. The more, the merrier.
RORY: It's Logan's doing. What can I do? (starts to chain the door)
PARIS: Tell him to stop.
RORY: We're not speaking, remember?
PARIS: Well, they're putting our lives in jeopardy.
RORY: Oh, stop it. (walks in the apartment)
PARIS: They scream bling, draw eyes to the apartment. Bad guys see roses, then they come for our diamonds.
RORY: We don't have diamonds.
PARIS: The Doo-Wop group doesn't know that. (as Rory is about to put the vase near the window) Yeah, by the window is good, next to the neon sign that says "come p*stol-whip us".
RORY: Fine, I'll hide them. (puts the flowers on the floor)
PARIS: You know, I see Logan at the paper a few times a week. I can lean on him, make him stop.
RORY: He's going to get the message eventually.
PARIS: Well, he better get it quick. Between the paper and classes, I'm only home a few hours a day, and I'd rather not spend them in mortal fear. (there is a knock on the door and Paris instinctively takes cover)
RORY: Paris.
PARIS: (to the person outside) Yeah?
MAN (OS outside the door): UPS. Got a package for Rory Gilmore.
PARIS: From?
MAN (OS outside the door): Harry and David.
PARIS: Great. Fancy fruit.
RORY: I'm sorry. (Paris walks over to the door)
PARIS: Step back from the door and keep your hands where I can see them. (starts to unchain the door)
(CUT to outside park, morning. The place is covered with snow. There are few people there. Two guys are throwing a frisbee around, as Luke walks up to April who's sitting on a bench her bike and bike helmet nearby)
LUKE: Surprise.
APRIL: Was this not a planned thing?
LUKE: Why?
APRIL: You said, "surprise".
LUKE: No, it was just...just a...how you doing? (extends his hand for a shake)
APRIL: Good. (she takes it and they shake hands) This is how the avian flu spreads, by the way.
LUKE: Oh, sorry! (quickly takes his hand away)
APRIL: I was just saying.
LUKE: No, I heard that, too. Heard a guy on CNN say it.
APRIL: Right. They fired my favourite, Aaron Brown. He was comforting.
LUKE: Yes, he was. Mind if I sit?
APRIL: No, go ahead. (Luke sits next to her. There is an awkward silence) So...do you like to hang out here?
LUKE: The park? No.
APRIL: Then why are we meeting here?
LUKE: I thought kids liked parks.
APRIL: It's 41 degrees out. Not exactly peak park-going season.
LUKE: But there's still stuff to do, right? I mean, we could have a snowball fight, or something.
APRIL: My friend Remi got into a snowball fight with a guy once, and she got a retina detached.
LUKE: Well, we'll skip that, then. Uh...sorry. I'll think of something better to do next time, OK? I don't really know what kids are into.
APRIL: Hey, whatever.
LUKE: Oh, and I said "next time". I don't know if you caught that.
APRIL: I did.
LUKE: Did your mom explain that this isn't necessarily a one-time thing? I was thinking maybe we could make it semi-regular or even just, you know, regular.
APRIL: Uh, OK.
LUKE: Good. So, what's your free time like?
APRIL: I've got no school this whole week. It's year-round, so we get weird times off.
LUKE: Well, then maybe we can do something tomorrow, too, something less cold.
APRIL: OK.
LUKE: So, what kind of things do you like to do?
APRIL: I like Morse code. I'm learning that. My mom gave me a putter, so I putt some. And I like talking to my Indian friend Shamilah in Bangalore over the internet.
LUKE: I wouldn't be much help with any of that. We could bowl, or go to a movie, or maybe there's a zoo around somewhere.
APRIL: How about I just come and hang out at the diner?
LUKE: (shocked and nervous) What diner? My diner?
APRIL: Yeah.
LUKE: Won't it be boring?
APRIL: No way. (Luke does not look pleased) Diners fascinate me. The hustle, the bustle, the monte cristos.
LUKE: The diner?
APRIL: Yeah, that'd be fun.
LUKE: Can't think of anything else, huh?
APRIL: I think it'd be great.
LUKE: Well, OK, sure. The diner. Tomorrow you will come to the diner. (he chuckles nervously and clears his throat) So, uh, what do you want to do right now?
APRIL: I've been counting how many times those frisbee guys over there have dropped it.
LUKE: Uuh, OK. Let's keep watching.
APRIL: The one with the hat's a big, fat butterfingers. (they watch the guys playing frisbee)
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn, morning. Lorelai is signing some papers and having a conversation with Kirk)
LORELAI: Kirk, you needed carnival-game volunteers and I volunteered. What's with the hassle?
KIRK: We do things like ring toss and rope ladder climbing. Your choice is unorthodox.
LORELAI: That's because I'm not orthodox. I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zippity-pow.
KIRK: You're aware that this is the first time I'm running the winter carnival?
LORELAI: I am aware. (they start walking to the reception desk)
KIRK: I can't afford to have anything go wrong.
LORELAI: Kirk, I promise! This booth will be a big h*t. It will not embarrass you, OK? I promise.
KIRK: Your promise means nothing to me. You break them all the time.
LORELAI: (gasps) I do not.
KIRK: 1997, you promised to bring me back a souvenir pen and ink set from your trip to Colonial Williamsburg.
LORELAI: I...I did?
KIRK: 1999, you promised to put in a good word for me at Al's Pancake World when Al had that batter boy opening.
LORELAI: He calls them "batter boys"?
KIRK: Year 2000, you promised to teach me to swim. I still don't know how to swim. What if there's a tsunami?
LORELAI: Well...
KIRK: 2001, you promised to come to my birthday party, and I waited and waited and...
LORELAI: Kirk! Kirk, scout's honour, this booth will make you proud, OK? (as they enter the reception desk area Lorelai notices someone waiting) Now...excuse me, hi. Are you Liam Driessen by any chance?
LIAM: I am.
LORELAI: Hi, Lorelai Gilmore. I'm here to make your stay and the rest of the New England Maple Syrup Council's stay as comfortable as possible.
LIAM: So far, so good. Love the local colour here.
LORELAI: (noticing Kirk who's followed her and is standing close to them) Uh, Kirk, it's really not appropriate to be standing right next to me like this.
KIRK: But we work together.
LORELAI: But not here.
KIRK: Liam, can I ask you a question?
LORELAI: NO that's inappropriate too to ask a quest...
KIRK: Would you pay a dollar to have your fortune told by a dog?
LIAM: A dog?
LORELAI: It's for a carnival. It's very cute.
KIRK: A dog that has no previous experience telling people's fortunes?
LIAM: I don't know.
KIRK: Well, you're no help. (walks away)
LORELAI: Well, just part of our local colour. He's purple. (nervously laughs a bit) Get it? 'Cause local colour and he's a colour. And how about a tour?
LIAM: Sure. (they exit)
(CUT to Yale Daily News room, morning. The staffers are working, while Paris walks around inspecting)
PARIS: That's what we got?
JOHNIE: Yup.
PARIS: It's posed, staged. Get another and make it candid.
JOHNIE: Candid?
PARIS: Don't question me. (walks away and moves over to another desk)
JOHNIE: But it's a team photo.
PARIS: Bill, how's it hangin'?
BILL: It's hanging OK.
PARIS: Good, good. You like the Washington Post, do you?
BILL: Yes.
PARIS: Because they like to split their infinitives, at the Washington Post, especially their metro writers, but I don't.
BILL: I'm not seeing...
PARIS: (reading from his computer screen) "The council member chose to forcefully waive her right of veto".
BILL: (deleting the sentence) Consider it unsplit.
(Paris walks over to another desk, where a staffer is typing something. Paris pushes her aside and types something of her own, then turns to Rory who's getting ready to leave)
PARIS: Hey. You check in?
RORY: Check in?
PARIS: The board. The new system? This is the best way for me to know where anyone is at any given time. (they walk over to a board near the door) All the names are on the left. Each coloured magnet represents an activity. If you're out on assignment, it's a red magnet. If you're in the john, it's a blue magnet. If you're at home, a purple magnet. If you're at your desk, it's a green magnet.
RORY: But if they're at their desk, you can just glance over and see that they're at their desks.
PARIS: But I'd have to glance all around. This saves extraneous glancing. Look, it's not really for people like you. I know you're dedicated. I trust you, but I can't appear to be playing favourites.
RORY: I have a class.
PARIS: Orange magnet. (Rory takes the magnet and puts in on the board next to her name. Paris looks pleased and Rory exits)
(CUT to Yale hallway, continuous. Rory has just exited the newsroom. Her way is blocked by a coffee cart)
RORY: (to coffee cart vender, Ben) Excuse me.
BEN: You're Rory Gilmore?
RORY: Yes.
BEN: Someone pointed you out to me. This is for you. (pointing at the coffee cart)
RORY: What is?
BEN: The coffee cart.
RORY: For me?
BEN: Courtesy of Logan Huntzberger.
RORY: Oh, I see. Well, I don't want any coffee right now. (bypasses the coffee cart) Thanks anyway, and sorry you wasted your time, Ben. (starts to walk away)
BEN: No problem. (Ben follows her, with the coffee cart. Rory notices)
RORY: What are you doing?
BEN: I'm hired for the day.
RORY: What?
BEN: Yep, all day. Any time you want some coffee, biscotti, I will be here.
RORY: That's not necessary.
BEN: I've already been paid...a lot!
RORY: (sighs) Fine. (starts to walk and Ben follows her with the coffee cart)
(CUT to Nardini house, night. Anna is sorting some stuff, probably for her store as we hear a TV in the backround)
ANNA: Kiddo, is that the TV?
APRIL (OS): Yes.
ANNA: You watching something stupid?
APRIL (OS): Yes.
ANNA: You promise?
APRIL (OS): Yes.
ANNA: OK. (the telephone rings and Anna picks it up) Hello?
LUKE (on phone): Hi, Anna. It's Luke.
ANNA: Hey there. So, she came back with all her fingers and toes. Very successful first outing.
LUKE (on phone): Yeah, it was nice. It was...it was real nice.
ANNA: She had a good time, too. And that's impressive 'cause she's picky.
LUKE (on phone): Good. Well, so did I.
ANNA: So, she's coming by your work tomorrow?
(CUT to Luke's apartment, continuous. The scene cuts between Luke's apartment and Anna at her house)
LUKE: Oh, she told you that, huh? Uh...Well, listen, here's the thing. I don't know if...it's gonna work out for her to come to the diner.
ANNA: Why not?
LUKE: Well, it's gonna be really hectic, lots of people swooshing around and all.
ANNA: She'll like that. She likes people swooshing around her.
LUKE: Pans of hot grease.
ANNA: There'll be pans of hot grease swooshing around her?
LUKE: If she's in the kitchen, yeah.
ANNA: Well, keep her out of the kitchen if there's any grease swooshing. I mean, that doesn't sound safe for you, either.
LUKE: I don't even know how much time I can give her.
ANNA: No problem. She's very low-maintenance. Just set her up at a table and she'll be fine.
LUKE: If there's a table, because some of the tables are reserved. I've got my regulars, you know? They want their tables, so there may not be room.
ANNA: She's little. You'll find room.
LUKE: You know, Anna, actually, I don't...I don't know if, uh, tomorrow is gonna be good at all for anything. I didn't realize how busy I was. Factor in all the people swooshing and the grease swooshing.
ANNA: Luke, no.
LUKE: "No" what?
ANNA: It doesn't work that way.
LUKE: What do you mean?
ANNA: Look, I don't know what the problem is here.
LUKE: What are you talking about?
ANNA: You say you're available one minute, and the next minute you're not?
LUKE: I told you, I was just...
ANNA: It's not cool, Luke. It's not happening this way.
LUKE: What way? It's just a bad time.
ANNA: There's no great time to be a parent, Luke, you just are one. And if you're gonna make plans with my kid and get her hopes up and then cancel, then our deal is cancelled.
LUKE: Anna, no.
ANNA: Yes, that's it. That's how it works. You're either all-in or you're all-out. We didn't ask for this. You did. You wanted contact, a relationship, and now...
LUKE: OK, OK, I hear ya. Have her come to the diner tomorrow.
ANNA: You're sure?
LUKE: I'm sure. I was just over thinking all of this. I'll see her tomorrow.
ANNA: OK, she will be there.
LUKE: Good. Thanks. It'll be good.
ANNA: It better be. Bye, Luke. (hangs up)
LUKE: Bye. (hangs up too)
(CUT to Rich Man's Shoe, evening. The Daily News staffers are sitting at table talking as Rory enters the pub, notices them and approaches)
AK: She's starting to go through trash cans. It's creepy.
BILL: That's a privacy violation, for God's sake.
SHEILA: What's she looking for?
AK: (notices Rory) Uh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
RORY: (coming up to their table) Hi, guys.
AK: Hey, Rory.
RORY: Did I interrupt something? (the staffers look uncomfortable)
AK: No, no, nothing much. Just hangin'.
RORY: What's going on?
AK: Nothing. Just enjoying a tipple.
RORY: So all the senior staffers from the Yale Daily News are simultaneously enjoying a tipple?
JOHNIE: Tell her.
AK: No.
JOHNIE: Tell her!
RORY: Tell me what?
AK: This is a w*r council.
RORY: About what?
BILL: About Kaiser Geller and her reign of terror.
SHEILA: The paper is going to crap.
JOHNIE: It's unreadable.
BILL: She rewrites our stuff, then rewrites her rewrites.
JOHNIE: And to add insult to injury, the copy gets worse every time.
SHEILA: She used to be good, right? Wasn't Paris good at one point?
AK: Before she was editor.
BILL: Now she's Augusto Pinochet in a pantsuit.
SHEILA: Yeah, what's up with those pantsuits?
JOHNIE: We're seriously considering Howell-Raines-ing her.
RORY: You want to force her out?
AK: She's out of control.
RORY: And you have the authority?
SHEILA: We're the board.
BILL: And the board has the authority.
RORY: I'm a senior staffer, too. Why wasn't I asked to be here tonight?
BILL: You're in Paris's pocket.
RORY: I am not in Paris's pocket.
JOHNIE: You're friends.
SHEILA: Best friends, right? That's what Paris is always saying.
JOHNIE: And you guys live together. It didn't seem appropriate.
RORY: OK, let me set the record straight. I'm devoted to the paper, OK? Personal feelings cannot get in the way of things. Paris and I are not best friends. We're friends, for the most part, and I'm not immune to being driven crazy by her, believe me.
JOHNIE: Oh, we believe you.
SHEILA: I'm getting crow's-feet. I'm sorry, Paris Geller is not going to give me crow's-feet.
AK: So you do acknowledge a problem here?
RORY: I just did, AK. Where's the trust, dude?
AK: We just want to do this right.
RORY: Well, then, let's talk and maybe set the Howell-Raines-ing aside for now. Let's see if we can fix things before we blow them up.
AK: Fine. Sit.
BILL: But allow us our cathartic purging.
RORY: Purge away. (Ben approaches the table and clears his throat) Oh, but first would anyone like a refreshing coffee beverage? I have Ben till nine.
STAFFER GUY 1: Well I'll have a decaf latte.
BILL: Same here.
JOHNIE: Can he do mocha latte?
RORY: He does a great mocha latte.
JOHNIE: Oh, I'll have a mocha latte.
TALLIE: I will too.
(CUT to Stars Hollow outside, morning. Lorelai is walking down the street, looking through some mail-envelopes as she bumps into someone dressed in a sweat suit, with the hood on and wearing sunglasses...Taylor)
LORELAI: Uhh! Sorry. Taylor?
TAYLOR: Shh!
LORELAI: What are you doing back? I thought you were stranded at your sister's.
TAYLOR: Lorelai, please. (starts to push her back in an alley)
LORELAI: Weird time for line dancing.
TAYLOR: Fine. OK, I'm back. I got lucky last night and caught a plane out of Maine.
LORELAI: Even with the rain in Spain?
TAYLOR: Will you be serious for second?
LORELAI: What's with the sweats?
TAYLOR: I'm incognito. Don't you see? With the carnival coming up, this is my Huckleberry-Finn opportunity to observe things invisibly. You know, I'm not gonna be around forever, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, Taylor, are you sick?
TAYLOR: No, just mortal. And eventually someone, maybe Kirk, is going to have to take over the many delicate tasks I perform for this town. The streetlamp illumination monitoring, the lawn-height measuring.
LORELAI: Now I'm just getting sad.
TAYLOR: Please keep my secret.
LORELAI: Mum's the word.
TAYLOR: Well, I should go.
LORELAI: Back to 8 mile?
TAYLOR: What?
LORELAI: Nothing. Ooh, behind you. (as she notices some passers-by, Taylor covers up a bit more. They kinda wave each other goodbye and Taylor walks way. Lorelai looks on a bit amused and then starts to leave to)
(CUT to Town Square, continuous. Workers are fixing up the square for the carnival. Zach, as one of the workers, carries a box with stuff and sets it down as Lorelai greats him. He's in a mood)
LORELAI: Hey, Zach. You helping out?
ZACH: Got to keep body and soul together.
LORELAI: Well, this is space 18 and that's my booth, so we're a team.
ZACH: We should get uniforms.
LORELAI: You OK?
ZACH: Yeah, I'm great. I lost my girlfriend, my band's broken up, my best friend won't speak to me, and I'm reduced to working as a five-dollar-an-hour carny. Bob Dylan should write a song about me.
LORELAI: I'm sorry about you and Lane.
ZACH: Yeah, well...
LORELAI: But you'll get through this rough patch and life will move on. Trust me. It's human nature to move on.
ZACH: What?!
LORELAI: What "what"?
ZACH: Are you saying Lane's moved on?
LORELAI: No!
ZACH: Have you seen her with someone else?
LORELAI: No, no, no! I'm just saying people have the ability to move on.
ZACH: Oh, my God, God, God. (hold his head in his hands in frustration) I got to go take a break. (walks away)
LORELAI: OK. (calling after him) Hope I cheered you up some. (turns and looks at the booth next to hers. She gasps as she sees it's the fortune-tellers booth) Kirk? Kirk!
KIRK: Yes, Lorelai? (walks up to her holding his clipboard)
LORELAI: Why are you putting the exact same booth right next to my booth?
KIRK: Well, frankly, I have my doubts about your dog's ability to predict the future.
LORELAI: You have your doubts?
KIRK: Yes, and in order to satisfy our guests, I'm hedging our bets by putting the real thing next door so that no one walks away bamboozled.
LORELAI: Kirk, there is no real thing. It's all fake. Those tarot cards are not real. My dog cannot predict the future.
KIRK: So you admit it?
LORELAI: I was never hiding it.
KIRK: That's fraud.
LORELAI: It's a Doggy Swami.
KIRK: My girlfriend says tarot cards are real.
LORELAI: Well, I like your girlfriend, but the cards are no more real than my dog. (her cell phone starts to ring and she reaches to her purse to get it) I got to take this, but I would like it if you would move the...(Kirk walks away from her as she answers the phone) Kirk? Kirk?!
LUKE (on phone): No, it's me.
LORELAI: No, I know it's you. I just was getting frustrated with Kirk.
(CUT to Luke's diner, continuous. Scene cuts between Lorelai outside and Luke at the diner)
LUKE: What else is new? So, um... I was wondering what your time was like today.
LORELAI: My time?
LUKE: Because there's something I need to run past you.
LORELAI: Oh, I have a minute now.
LUKE: I'd like to discuss it in person.
LORELAI: Oh, could it wait till tonight? 'Cause I have the syrup council in town and they've got a conference and a meal and Josh is out sick and Jamie's out sick and I just barely got away to come here and get in an argument with Kirk about what's more legitimate. Tarot cards or a fortune-telling dog.
LUKE: So you're not coming by the diner?
LORELAI: Not today, but I'm totally yours tonight. Is that OK?
LUKE: Uh, sure. So you definitely won't be coming by the diner today?
LORELAI: Not today, sorry.
LUKE: No, it's OK. Just if you were coming by, I wanted to know. And now I know you're not.
LORELAI: Right.
LUKE: OK, so give Kirk hell and I guess I'll see you tonight.
LORELAI: OK, see you tonight. (She hangs up, as Zach comes up to her holding some stuff) Hey, Zach, did you see where Kirk went?
ZACH: (pointing) Thataway. (Lorelai walks off, to the direction that he pointed, and Zach notices something. It's Mrs.Kim talking pleasantly to a relatively young, charming Korean man, Joe)
Mrs.KIM: Lane will be right here for the carnival. Six o'clock sharp.
JOE: Wonderful. Well, keep warm and tell Lane I'll see her later.
Mrs.KIM: All right. Bye now. (Joe walks away and leaves Mrs.Kim with a smile on her face, as Zach looks on quite sad)
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Luke is clearing up a table, as April rides her bike up to the diner and starts to talk to the postman. Luke notices her from inside, walks over to the door and goes outside)
LUKE: April.
APRIL: Hi, Luke.
LUKE: Get in here.
APRIL: Bye, now. (waves the postman goodbye and she starts walking to the diner)
LUKE: What are you doing talking to him? (as they enter the diner)
APRIL: He asked about my bike.
LUKE: You don't talk to him, you don't know him. He could be a strangler.
APRIL: He seemed to know you.
LUKE: Yeah, of course. That's Jake. I've known him fifteen years.
APRIL: You've known a strangler for fifteen years?
LUKE: He's not a strangler.
APRIL: Then why can't I talk to him?
LUKE: Because you didn't know that. Don't trust anyone, OK? Anyone.
APRIL: OK (puts her bike helmet on the counter), then I should go lock my bike. (starts to exit but Luke stops her)
LUKE: No, you don't have to lock it.
APRIL: You just said I can't trust anyone.
LUKE: You don't have to lock your bike. This is a safe town.
APRIL: Well, I'm confused.
LUKE: (exhales uncomfortably) So...here it is.
APRIL: I know. We met here.
LUKE: Right, right. So, what do you want to do? Sit and color?
APRIL: Color? (chuckles a bit) Wow. I haven't colored in six or seven years. But that takes me back. Coloring. Wow.
LUKE: OK, so you don't color. Did you bring a book?
APRIL: I don't really feel like reading.
LUKE: Well, I don't really have any toys or anything.
APRIL: (looks around a bit) Your salt and pepper shakers look a little low.
LUKE: Yes, they are. People salt stuff too much.
APRIL: Can I refill them?
LUKE; You want to refill the salt shakers?
APRIL: And the pepper. And possibly the sugar...we'll see how the salt and pepper goes.
LUKE: Oh, well, OK. Refill the salt and pepper? Whatever. I'll get the boxes.
APRIL: Great.
LUKE: Great. (Luke starts to walk to the kitchen as April sits on a stool at the counter. They both chuckle, and Luke exits to the back)
APRIL: (wistfully) Coloring.
(CUT to Dragonfly Inn dinning room, morning. The New England Maple Syrup Council are having their meeting. Liam is in charge as Lorelai and Sookie look on. The council seem to be tasting straight syrup)
LIAM: Well, it may surprise some of you, but that's a syrup derived from a black maple. Yes, it's sweeter than the first two, but it's a natural sweetness with a hint of orange. Very unusual and very good. Let's move on to number four, shall we? And number four is another little surprise.
LORELAI: Ugh, gives my skin that weird, tingly feel like something's bubbling underneath it.
SOOKIE: It makes the root of my tongue feel like it's retracting back into my throat.
LORELAI: What don't they pour it on something. A waffle, a pancake?
LIAM: So, let's go ahead and taste number four, shall we? Then we'll talk. (they sip)
LORELAI: Ew!
SOOKIE: Ew, drinking straight syrup!
LORELAI: We don't have to watch this.
SOOKIE: It's hard not to.
LIAM: A bit of a tobacco taste to it and a bit of marshmallow.
SOOKIE: Oh, good. Now I can't smoke a cigar or eat a marshmallow again.
LORELAI: How does one discover a talent for this?
LIAM: Remember, for anyone who wants one, we have spit buckets. (takwes the buckets out an starts to pass them around)
SOOKIE: That's it.
LORELAI: See ya. (they walk away)
(CUT to Dragonfly in sitting-room area, continuous. Lorelai passes by and notices Logan sitting and waiting for her. HE sighs as he sees her)
LOGAN: Hi.
LORELAI: Hello.
LOGAN: I was gonna call you, but then I figured you wouldn't take the call.
LORELAI: (walks up to him) Yeah, you figured right.
LOGAN: I just need a minute.
LORELAI: I can't fathom what a minute of my time is gonna do for you.
LOGAN: Just a minute, please, then I am gone.
LORELAI: OK. (they sit)
LOGAN: Look, I know I'm not your favorite person in the world.
LORELAI: No, you're definitely low on the list, right above the guy who thought up smallpox blankets.
LOGAN: Well, in my defense, I think I'm a notch or two higher than that.
LORELAI: You're not exactly in a position to comment on that, are you?
LOGAN: No.
LORELAI: No. In fact, let's take inventory of all the delightful things that have happened since you waltzed into my daughter's life. She was arrested, convicted, she's on probation, she'll have a criminal record unless we can get it expunged, she dropped out of school, moved out of my house, she didn't speak to me for five months, three weeks, and sixteen days. No, wait a minute. Come to think of it, you are my favorite person.
LOGAN: OK, I can defend myself on one or two of those points as well.
LORELAI: No, you can't. Why are you here?
LOGAN: I miss her, OK? I made a mistake and I'm trying to rectify it, but nothing is working. She won't talk to me.
LORELAI: Can you blame her?
LOGAN: No. I'm doing everything I can. Flowers, gifts.
LORELAI: All your old standbys, huh?
LOGAN: Books, coffee cart. I'm trying to show her how I feel.
LORELAI: And it sounds like she's trying to show you how she feels.
LOGAN: Look, I figured this was a su1c1de mission, OK? It's probably something you and Rory will laugh about for years to come. But I'm not giving up until I exhaust all my options, and asking for your help is one of them.
LORELAI: Really?
LOGAN: Yes.
LORELAI: You're seriously here to ask for my help with Rory? This is not a joke?
LOGAN: I'm going for broke here.
LORELAI: Well...you got moxie, my friend, I'll give you that.
LOGAN: I think I get it from my dad.
LORELAI: I hate your dad.
LOGAN: Me too. See? We have things in common, you and me. Maybe this isn't so crazy.
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Lorelai enters the diner and notices April filling up the salt shakers. She approaches her)
LORELAI: Oh, hi.
APRIL: Hello there.
LORELAI: Oh, what are...what are you doing?
APRIL: Chores.
LORELAI: Yeah, I see.
APRIL: Are you a strangler?
LORELAI: No, no.
APRIL: Just checking. (Lorelai laughs a bit and April takes in her hands a bow of rice) Rice. That's the key. Prevents clumping.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. I hate clumpy salt.
APRIL: That's universal.
LORELAI: So, who do you belong to. Caesar?
APRIL: Who?
LORELAI: You're not Caesar's?
APRIL: Not according to the lab results.
LORELAI: Well, how'd you land the gig?
APRIL: My father owns the place. The diner, at least. Not sure about the land.
LORELAI: Your father?
APRIL: My biological father. (Luke comes out from the kitchen and notices the scene taking place) Not really sure what to call him, it's kind of new. (Lorelai sees him too and they look at each other. Lorelai looks upset. Luke looks uncomfortable) Not the biological part, that was years ago. I wonder if brown rice would work, too. Brown might be more decorative or it might backfire. People might think there are bugs in the salt. I should put some brown rice in one of the shakers and use it as a control group against the other ones.
LUKE: I thought you couldn't get away.
LORELAI: I got away.
APRIL: She said she wasn't a strangler.
LUKE: Uh, you want to go outside and uh...?
LORELAI: Uh-huh. (walks outside)
LUKE: April, I'll be right back, OK?
APRIL: OK. (Luke follows Lorelai outside)
(CUT to Stars Hollow outside Luke's, continuous. Lorelai is standing there waiting as Luke exits and walks up to her)
LORELAI: So she's...
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Wow.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: That's...
LUKE: My daughter.
LORELAI: I don't believe it.
LUKE: I still have trouble believing it.
LORELAI: You have a...
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Right. And what is she, twelve?
LUKE: Yeah, twelve.
LORELAI: Twelve years. Twelve years! This is for sure?
LUKE: It's for sure.
LORELAI: When did you find out?
LUKE: I just found out.
LORELAI: Just? When just? She's in there filling salt shakers. It doesn't feel that new to me.
LUKE: Two months ago.
LORELAI: Two months?! That's a hell of a long time to go without telling me.
LUKE: I know. I should've told you.
LORELAI: She's cute.
LUKE: Lorelai, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry. It's all just a blur of stuff happening. I mean, she just came into the diner two months ago, no warning, talking about a science fair and how I may be her father, and she pulled my hair out and DNA-tested it, and then I wanted to forget the whole thing, but I went to the fair and found out the truth. And we were at the park, and she wanted to come here. And I called you today, wanting a moment to talk about it, but you were busy, and...so I put it off again. And here we are.
LORELAI: Here we are.
LUKE: It's stupid. I'm stupid.
LORELAI: Look...I need to digest this and you have to get back inside. So, uh, I'm just gonna go someplace where I can digest this and we'll just talk more later, OK?
LUKE: Sure. Whenever you want.
LORELAI: OK.
LUKE: I'm sorry. (Lorelai sadly nods and walks away. Luke doesn't seem to pleased with himself)
(CUT to Yale Daily News, morning. All staffers are wearing caps with numbers on them while doing their work. Rory enters notices and approaches Johnie?s office)
RORY: "What's up with the caps", she asked, knowing it's probably not good.
JOHNIE: It's Paris. She's having trouble remembering everyone's names, or as she puts it, she has more important things to do with her brain.
RORY: Oh, geez
JOHNIE: Plus some of us have confused the issue by having the same first name. The three Johns?, the two Marthas?. So she's issued numbers.
RORY: Oh, geez
BILL: Martinet at three o'clock.
PARIS: (coming out form her cubicle and approaching a staffer) Nice job on Bienecki map theft article, number seventeen.
NUMBER 17: Thanks, Paris.
PARIS: Twenty-three and eighty, I need your stuff by five. (notices Rory) Ah, Rory! New system. Here's your number. (passes her a cap)
RORY: Paris, you know me. I don't need a number and I'm the only Rory.
PARIS: But you don't want me to play favorites, do you? we talked about this.
RORY: So we all have numbers?
PARIS: Including me. I'm number one. Don't need a cap for that. If they can't remember the number one, they shouldn't be here.
RORY: Hey, can we talk in a little more private place?
PARIS: Sure. (they start to walk outside) If you're looking for 1 and 2, we'll be in the hallway.
(CUT to outside hallway, continuous)
RORY: Paris, the atmosphere here, it's getting a little toxic.
PARIS: What?
RORY: Everyone here is very stressed. The greaseboard, the hats.
PARIS: I haven't heard any complaints.
RORY: That's because people are afraid to approach you. You rewrite everything they do. You don't delegate.
PARIS: That's not true.
RORY: Look, the staff and I had a little talk yesterday. It was very impromptu. I won't get into the hairy details, but it would really help if you could relieve some of the pressure here.
PARIS: They think it's that bad?
RORY: You've taken away the magnets that indicate people are in the bathroom, so now they're afraid to go.
PARIS: Well, they were going too much.
RORY: People are getting very nervous here.
PARIS: Yeah, I see. I'll go talk to them. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
RORY: You're welcome. (they walk back in the office)
(CUT to Yale Daily News, continuous. Paris claps to get the staff's attention)
PARIS: Where's seventy-three and thirty-two? (the staffers gather around) People, Rory Gilmore has just informed me of the meeting held behind my back concerning my stewardship of the paper.
RORY: Oh, Paris.
PARIS: Am I tough? You're damn right I'm tough. You think it's going to be any easier entering the work force with every newspaper in the country cutting back on staff? Also, any chance that you'd attempt the same sort of flaccid coup if I were a man? I think not. You're trying to Howell Raines me? Well, forget it. Suck it up and get to work! Otherwise, there's the door. (Paris walks off. Rory resigned puts her cap on as a few of the staffers don't look that pleased with her)
(CUT to hallway of Paris, Doyle and Rory's apartment. Rory comes up the stairs and notices Logan waiting for her outside the apartment holding a take out box)
LOGAN: I come bearing gifts.
RORY: I have to unlock the door.
LOGAN: You can't say no to these. I know you. It's biologically impossible. (opens the box - doughnuts - for Rory to see)
RORY: Oh, yeah? (looks at the content of the box) No.
LOGAN: (as he closes the box and point to the locks) That seems very cumbersome.
RORY: You get used to it.
LOGAN: You get the coffee cart?
RORY: You really think we're gonna chitchat?
LOGAN: I just wanted to know.
RORY: Yeah, I got it. And the flowers and the books and the candles and the fruit. What's next on the list? A marching band? A parrot who says "I'm sorry"? You have to go.
LOGAN: Wait. (takes out an envelope and holds it up for Rory to see)
RORY: What's that, a subpoena?
LOGAN: It's a note from your mother.
RORY: You're kidding.
LOGAN: Check out the handwriting, Dragonfly stationery. Can we get out of the hallway? (Rory kicks door the door and opens it)
(CUT to inside apartment, continuous. They enter)
LOGAN: I went to see her at her inn. We talked a little. It was a tad humiliating. She told me to wait and she came back with this. She said to give it to you.
RORY: What's it say?
LOGAN: I was instructed not to read it. She even signed the seal on the envelope to make sure.
RORY: You have no idea what this says?
LOGAN: None. (Rory opens the envelope and starts to read) What's it say?
RORY: Shh. (she smiles)
LOGAN: What's it say?
RORY: Shh! (chuckles)
LOGAN: What does it say?
RORY: Shh!
LOGAN: Come on, Ace, you're laughing. Is that good or bad?
RORY: Hmm. Yep. Yep. (laughs)
LOGAN: Just give me some indication whether it's good or bad. Something, anything. (Rory stops reading and laughing and is silent) OK, fine. Just tell me. Is there anything in there about giving me a second chance?
RORY: I'd have to reread it.
LOGAN: Please don't do that, Ace, come on. Come out with me. Let me make it up to you.
RORY: Maybe dinner.
LOGAN: When?
RORY: I'll have to check my schedule.
LOGAN: Check it.
RORY: I can't do it right now.
LOGAN: So?
RORY: I'll call you.
LOGAN: Good enough. Good enough. You promise you'll call?
RORY: Leave the doughnuts. (takes the box form him and Logan exits,. She sits on a chair opens the box takes a doughnut and starts to re-read a letter. She chuckles a bit as she reads)
(CUT to Lorelai's house night. Lorelai is in the kitchen taking take-out food out of a brown paper bag looking sad. We hear the door. It's Rory)
RORY (OS): Margaret, I'm home.
LORELAI: Kitchen.
RORY: And I come bearing gifts. Laundry galore. Oh, and I've got some candles and some fancy fruit, too. (she comes in the kitchen loaded with stuff) I don't know who Harry and David are, but they sure do know how to grow a pear. (groans a bit as she carries her stuff in her room) So, your letter? Oh, my God. It was brilliant. It has got to be anthologized. I'm telling you. And he definitely did not read it because he looked flummoxed. (Lorelai sits on a chair and hold her face in her hands) Flummoxed! The whole time I was reading it, and I didn't tell him a thing about it. That's what he gets. So, come on. I want to hear all about his visit with you. (Rory comes back out to the kitchen and notices Lorelai) Mom?
LORELAI: Luke has a daughter.
RORY: And we'll talk about the letter later. What!? (walks over to the table and sits next to Lorelai)
LORELAI: He has a twelve-year-old daughter. I met her today, well I didn't formally meet her, but I saw and I talked to her.
RORY: What?!
LORELAI: He has a daughter with some woman. We didn't get to that, the big who, but he's known for two months.
RORY: Two months?
LORELAI: A daughter.
RORY: A daughter.
LORELAI: What does this say about our relationship?
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: He waited two months to tell me.
RORY: Did he say why he waited?
LORELAI: Yes, he said he was confused, and I get that. I mean, I'm confused, but what does it mean that he kept a secret like this? What does it say about him? What does it say about me? Doesn't he trust me? Why doesn't he trust me?
RORY: He trusts you, Mom. He's a guy. Sometimes guys are really dumb.
LORELAI: She's cute.
RORY: She is?
LORELAI: Yeah, she seems smart like you. What is it with the next generation? You're all smarter than the rest of us.
RORY: Not necessarily.
LORELAI: I'm freaking out.
RORY: I don't blame you.
LORELAI: What else is he hiding? I mean, how can you really know that you know somebody?
RORY: I don't think you can. Every relationship is just a big, honkin' leap of faith.
LORELAI: Yeah, I guess.
RORY: You didn't ask about the mother?
LORELAI: I just kinda ran off. I couldn't wrap my mind around it.
RORY: Well, Luke must be freaked out double what you're freaked out, you know? Mr.Responsibility? He must've put his baseball cap on backwards.
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: I'm sure he panicked. I'm sure his not telling you says nothing about your relationship. Maybe this is a cheesy perspective to offer you, but Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale went through the same sort of situation. He found out he had a kid that he didn't know about, but they made it work...as far as I know.
LORELAI: Meaning?
RORY: If they can, you can.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: They're people. You're people. I mean, you don't sing and neither does Luke, but really, neither do Gwen or Gavin, but they're still together...I think. I haven't read anything to the contrary.
LORELAI: I guess.
RORY: You and Luke just need to talk some more.
LORELAI: Yeah. Maybe I'll tell Luke about Gwen and Gavin. I mean, if there's any people whose lives Luke would relate to, it's Gwen and Gavin. (they start to pass out their take out food as Lorelai sighs)
(CUT to Winter Carnival, night. The camera pans all the way through the carnival to end up at Kirk checking some tickets of Megan and Tillie)
MEGAN: They only cost fifty cents?
TILLIE: Yeah, how lame would it be to go to the trouble of counterfeiting?
KIRK: No mind games. They're legit. (he lets the girls pass)
TILLIE: Another crime thwarted.
MEGAN: Good job, Colombo. (As the girls walk away we see Taylor still in disguise inspecting the carnival. He approaches a vender)
TAYLOR (in German accent): Guten tag, there. I would like, uh, what you call them?...A hot dog?
VENDER: Coming up. (Taylor inspects the cart and stops quickly as the vendor comes back with the hot dog)
TAYLOR (in German accent): Ja. Oh, und we are having cold weather this year, nein? (he walks away and the vender looks after him a bit confused)
(CUT to Lorelai's booth. Lorelai and Rory are manning their booth)
RORY: It's a smashing concept.
LORELAI: And Kirk was doubtful.
RORY: We've already raked in eighteen dollars.
LORELAI: And the night is young.
RORY: Come on, Doggy Swami, break's over. (Paul Anka climbs up the booth)
LORELAI: He is liking his hat.
RORY: Well, it's very flattering. You know, I can man this myself if you don't feel like being here.
LORELAI: No, it's good for me. Nothing is a better distraction than a dog in a turban, telling fortunes.
RORY: It's a cliche for a reason.
LORELAI: (starts yelling to advertise the booth) Come see the Amazing Doggy Swami. Discover your future...
RORY: If you dare.
LORELAI: It's silly.
RORY: And fun.
LORELAI: And real. Very, very real. (stares pointedly at the tarot cards reader on the next booth)
(CUT to Mrs.Kim's booth. Lane in manning it)
LANE: Congratulations! Nice job! (at new visitor) Want to play? It's only a dollar.
MAN1: Sure. (he pays and then throws something that Lane gave him in a ?pit? that has cardboard flames on it's edges)
LANE: Winner! We have a winner!
MAN1: Really? That's it?
LANE: That's it. Here's your prize. (hands him a piece of paper as Joe, the Korean young man from before approaches Lane)
MAN1: (reads the paper) "Hell is waiting for you, sinner".
LANE: Enjoy. (the Man walks away)
LANE: Alright! Who wants to win? Don't be afraid of playing! (we see that Zach is spying on Lane and Joe) Step up and play "toss the sybarite into the hellfire". Everybody's a winner!
JOE: I'm gonna go take a little walk, check out the competition.
LANE: Just don't let my mother see you play anything too decadent.
JOE: I'll be back in a bit. (as Joe leaves, Zach follows him and Lane keeps advertising her booth)
LANE: Come on people! Step right up! You can't lose. I'm guaranteeing you a good...
(camera pans on Taylor who is inspecting another booth and stops quickly when the vendor notices him and he sees Patty walking towards him)
TAYLOR (in French accent): Ahh! Oui! Look at ze games. It is so marvelous that I am 'ere to see it. What a great country. J'adore. (he walks away quickly as Patty and another visitor walk by)
PATTY: Taylor finally flipped his lid.
(CUT to Babette's booth)
BABETTE: (at visitor) Yeah, poor Morey couldn't make it. I made him drink thirty bottles of coke last night for the game here, so he's still throwing up. And then I ended up not using 'em. Shame, huh? But I'll tell him you said "hi". (The visitor leaves as Babette yells at Joe who's walking by) Hey, want to throw some balls?
JOE: (walks up to the booth and pays) Just don't laugh too hard at me.
BABETTE: Never, never. (gives him the balls) Come on up here. (Zach walks over to the booth all determined)
ZACH: Give me some balls.
BABETTE: Fresh balls coming up.
(Joe throws once and hits a bottle. Babette applauds, Zach mockingly laughs, throws harder and hits quite a few bottles)
ZACH: Yeah!
BABETTE: Watch it, honey. It could bounce off the back and h*t the girls manning the dime toss. (after Joe's second toss) There you go. You're getting the hang of it.
ZACH: Yeah, cute little throw.
JOE: Excuse me?
ZACH: Pretty boy says what?
JOE: What?
(Zach throws the second one much harder)
BABETTE: Jeez, Zach, what's with being all goose gossage? (Zach starts to h*t Joe's bottles and gets them all) Zach, those aren't your bottles!
ZACH: Yeah! Yeah! (in Joe's face) Welcome to the S.H., bitch!
JOE: What's your problem?
ZACH: I don't got a problem, friend. My problem is I got no more bottles to knock down.
BABETTE: Who do I give the prize to?
ZACH: Give it to Asian George Clooney over here. I'm outtie. (walks away)
BABETTE: So, I...I...I got smurfs and dirty pasta.
(CUT to Taylor checking the cider booth. He has a thermometer to see the cider's temperature. Maggie who's manning the booth notices this)
MAGGIE: What'd you just put in there?
TAYLOR (in British accent): Nothing, lady.
MAGGIE: You stuck something in the cider.
TAYLOR: (in British accent) I did not. (in normal voice) Although if I did, it would be a thermometer and it might indicate that you are on the border of under-heating your cider.
MAGGIE: Get away from me.
TAYLOR: Gladly!
MAGGIE: Now. Right now.
(Taylor walks away as the camera pans over at Mrs.Kim's booth. Jo, from the pizza place and the arcade, is tossing the thingy in the "pit" and misses)
Mrs.KIM: Winner!
JO: But I missed.
Mrs.KIM: Everybody's a winner. (give Jo his price and as he walks away as Zach comes up to the booth)
ZACH: Mrs.Kim, I need a word with you.
Mrs.KIM: I'm busy.
ZACH: You just couldn't wait to put her on the market again, could you?
Mrs.KIM: What are you talking about?
ZACH: Who else? Lane! We only broke up a few weeks ago. What? You got her engaged already?
Mrs.KIM: Engaged to who?
ZACH: To who? (points at Lane and Joe who are talking and laughing) The Korean Brad Pitt guy there with the Italian loafers and super white teeth. He's hanging all over her.
Mrs.KIM: You mean her uncle?
ZACH: What?
Mrs.KIM: Joe. He's her uncle.
ZACH: That can't be her uncle. Uncles are old.
Mrs.KIM: My mother had me, waited long time, then had him. Joe is my brother.
ZACH: Whoa, OK. Oops.
Mrs.KIM: Yes, "oops".
ZACH: But just to be clear here, she's not hot on her uncle? (at Mrs.Kim's stern look) She's not. Got it. Well...sorry. (starts to leave)
Mrs.KIM: Wait! You accuse me of something? We settle this now. (walks out for behind the booth and up to Zach)
ZACH: All right.
Mrs.KIM: I am not going to get in your way.
ZACH: OK. (Mrs.Kim nods and walks away from him. He looks after her a bit stunned and then walks away too)
(CUT to Lorelai's booth. It's Lane's turn)
LORELAI: Ready?
LANE: Ready.
LORELAI: Spin the wheel. (she spins the wheel, and Paul Anka at some point stops it.
RORY: The Swami has chosen! (Lorelai takes the note that the swami has chosen)
LORELAI: Ready?
LANE: This is exciting.
LORELAI: (reads) "You will sing songs of gemstones".
LANE: Of gemstones!
RORY: How do you sing songs of gemstones?
LORELAI: Ah, I was a little tired when I wrote this one. Sorry. You want to pick another one? Swami do-overs are allowed.
LANE: (takes her fortune) No, I'll stick with this one. It's got an air of mystery. (Rory notices Luke walking up to them)
RORY: Hey, Luke, want Swami Doggy to read your fortune?
LUKE: Uh, maybe some other time. (at Lorelai) Hey.
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Can we walk a little bit?
LORELAI: Yeah. (they walk off)
(CUT to Luke and Lorelai walking through the fair)
LUKE: I've got to apologize again. I should've told you immediately. I was just so confused. It's no excuse, but that's the excuse.
LORELAI: I know. I get it. Nothing can prepare you for this one.
LUKE: Yeah. I just didn't know how to tell you. I'm bad with things.
LORELAI: No, Luke. Listen, it's weird, you know, but we can make it work. I mean, she's there. April is there. Luckily you're with a woman who's raised a daughter and knows some of the ins and outs. I can help.
LUKE: I know you can. I guess it's just...Uh, it's just all so much right now. I've been dizzy for weeks.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know.
LUKE: Yeah, it's...
LORELAI: I felt like something was up.
LUKE: All too much, you know?
LORELAI: Well, what all? Everything or...?
LUKE: Well, I've got a kid. She's here. You know, June 3rd.
LORELAI: What about June 3rd?
LUKE: It's just so soon.
LORELAI: It's still months away.
LUKE: Well, it feels close. It's everything, you know? It's all piling up. It's all happening so fast.
LORELAI: Well, if it's all happening too fast, you know, we can just postpone.
LUKE: Postpone the wedding?
LORELAI: Yeah, I mean, it's not set in stone. It just happened to work out for a date that soon. I don't want you going into this all jumbled up, you know?
LUKE: And that would be okay with you?
LORELAI: Sure.
LUKE: Well, that'll help. Yeah, that'll really help. That'll give me time to resolve this other thing, and everything will be better later on.
LORELAI: Well...great, then it's a done deal. (they kiss) Think it might be a health-code violation, kissing this close to the cotton candy booth.
LUKE: Meet me back at my place later?
LORELAI: Yeah, see you there. (they peck on the lips and Luke walks away. Lorelai looks on sadly after him) | {"type": "series", "show": "Gilmore Girls", "episode": "06x12 - Just Like Gwen and Gavin"} | foreverdreaming |
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