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Opening -Eyecatch- Ending OpacaThoughts: Gohan finally completed his power-up. Good luck! Go blow Majin Buu away! Right! Thoughts: With the Fusion being broken, Thoughts: and as everyone began to wonder if this was the end of the Earth... Big Brother! It's Big Brother! Thoughts: ...at last, having completed his training in the Kaioshin Realm, Thoughts: Gohan had returned! Hey, don't tell me you intend to fight me! No, I'm going to kll you! Buu is Overwhelmed! Ultimate Gohan's Super Power!! You're going to kll me? Looks like you want to get blown away by me once again! N-Now you've done it! B-Big Brother...! A-Awesome! Way to go, Gohan-san! What's the matter? Weren't you going to blow me away? I will blow you away! I will blow you away! I will blow you away! Thoughts: Unbelievable! What the hell has happened to him? Thoughts: It's hard to believe he's the same Gohan! Thoughts: And he's not even Super Saiyan, but that power...! Way to go, Big Brother! That level of attck couldn't have had any effect on you. It's useless for you to try to trick me. What's the matter? Aren't you going to come? In that case, I'll go! What?! Over here. You retrd. retrd, you say? retrd!? H-He called him that!? H-He's gotten too carried away, regardless! Y-You called me a retrd!? You can't win! So, that was you after all? What? What do you mean? I knew it! Ever since I was fighting those runts! Far, far, in a very faraway place, I felt a strong power. I will not stand for any power stronger than mine! So that's it. You were testing me, just to make sure, that I really was greater than you... That's too bad, huh, Majin Buu? Y-You mean that even during the height of that battle, he had already become conscious of Gohan's existence? In that case, what in the world was the meaning of that fight with Gotenks!? Listen, and listen well! I will not stand for you! Absolutely not! Absolutely not, absolutely not! I won't stand for you!! I'll kll you!! kll me, you say? You must know better than anyone else that such a thing is impossible. I'm looking forward to this! Watch out! I'm so thirsty... B-Beer!! Looks so good! Hold on, hold on, I'll find some milk for you. W-We owe you one, Gohan. You saved us. Not at all. Whew! That was close! T-To think he would blow himself up! Big Brother, you're incredible! Way to know that Buu was blwing himself up! Is Buu dad, then? No. He blew himself up, didn't he? He tried to take you with him, Gohan-san! If he had been trying to take me with him, he would have made it even bigger... So much so that there would be nothing left of Earth. What does this mean? Has he fled? I don't feel his Ki! He is capable of muffling his Ki. S- so he's hiding, looking for his next chance! I don't know. But it does seem as if he's planning something. Even if he is really alive, there's no problem! That jerk was powerless to stop Gohan-san! He's as strong as we were as Super Gotenks! Even stronger! Really? Yeah, just a little. Tell me, Gohan, how is it that you've become so powerful? Such an incredible old man, huh? By the way, Piccolo-san, who has the Dragon Radar? Ah, we gave that to Piccolo-san! Y-Yeah. It's true that I do have it. However... with Dende having been klled, the Dragonballs are mere stones now. The Dragonballs are what!? It's okay. Dende is alive. - See? You can faintly feel his Ki, right? - What!? I-It's true! I feel him! - Yeah! I can tell too! - He's over that way! Come on! Let's go locate Dende while we can! We don't know when Buu will appear again, after all. All right! Let's go! That jerk! He really has klled everyone! There isn't a single person anywhere! What? Do you see something? Yes. Isn't that...? I-I want some beer... water would be okay too... It's Mister Satan! Why is he the only one who has survived? He's sure a tough one. Let him be, let him be! No, let's bring him with us. Even given all that, he's still a good person at heart. He did try to save the Earth, in his own way. Juice... Cola... Oolong tea... Huh? You're...! Good day. G- good day... Still, why is it that Dende alone survived? Buu had plenty of time. Enough for him to seek him out and kll him. Father said that you were fighting in the Room of Spirit and Time, and that Buu was the first to come out, right? That's right. He broke through the wall between dimensions. Even so, Piccolo-san, afterward you all came out as well, almost immediately, right? One day here is the same as a year within the room, so Piccolo-san, you and the others came out just one moment later, didn't you? T-That's right! How can this be!? I got so distracted that I've misunderstood everything! That's right! It was completely the opposite! Since the time difference is shortened, he couldn't do it. He didn't have enough time to look for Dende and kll him. You sure do get reckless sometimes, Piccolo-san! T-Thanks... Oh! Kami-sama! Everyone! How good of you to have gotten away, Dende! Well done! P- Popo-san said that I at least absolutely must not die! When it looked like everyone was going to be eaten by Buu, he immediately flung me toward the Lower Realm! Thoughts: I choose choco!! Thoughts: Kami-sama at least must not die! He was right. If you had died, the Dragonballs would be ordinary stones. The Earth would have remained a ghost town. That's our Mister Popo! He's made an excellent determination! H- hey, who is he? That kid over there with the sickly complexion? Now see here! What do you mean, kid!? That's Kami-sama! Kami-sama! W-What did you say? - How long, Gohan! - I'm glad you're alive, Dende! Thank goodness! Um... What are these Dragonballs that you have been talking about for a while now? Never mind that, what in the world does Majin Buu plan to do? There's no way he can win! W-W-W-What!? V-V-Videl has been klled!? B- Buu k*lled V-Videl!? T- t- that can't be!! Videl! Videl! Hey, you! Why didn't you protect Videl!? Why didn't you!? I'm sorry... It's okay, Pops! They can come back to life, after all! C-Come back to life? Really? Videl can come back to life, right? Really! Really! Really! You're not lying to me, are you? If you're lying, I'll make you swallow a thousand needles! It's Majin Buu! What!? Buu, you say? T- that can't be! Is he already intent on fighting again? What could have changed in just the hour or so that has gone by? I'll finish him off this time for sure! Everyone, be careful not to get caught in between us! Thoughts: Okay, show me what has changed! Thoughts: Buu comes again with a challenge. Thoughts: Gohan, this time, defeat Buu! Subtitles by: Gon-Sensei/UNISON FANSUB Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: Huh? Buu wants to fight with Gotenks? Thoughts: What is he planning? Thoughts: What's the matter? Are you afraid to fight me? Thoughts: What happened to all those high spirits you showed earlier? Thoughts: Are you scared? Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "Buu's Trick - Gotenks is Absorbed?!" Thoughts: You'll pay for this, Majin Buu!	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x142 - Buu Eats Buu - A New Majin att*cks!!\" / \"Buu Gobbles Up Buu! Onslaught of a New Majin!"}	foreverdreaming
Opening -Eyecatch- Ending OpacaThoughts: After a ferocious battle with Gohan, Majin Buu went and blew his own body up! How good of you to have gotten away, Dende! Thoughts: However, shortly after reuniting with Dende, Thoughts: Buu once again came attacking. Thoughts: Okay, show me what has changed! Thoughts: Buu's Trick - Gotenks is Absorbed?! Why have you klled everyone!? You promised me, didn't you? That you wouldn't kll any more? Buu... Don't you know who I am? It's no use! He's not the same Buu he was before! L-Look! This is the cute little guy you saved! See how lively he's gotten? I told you, it's useless! Stop it, already! You'll get in the way of Gohan's fighting. What does he want me to do? Damn... Thoughts: Strange. I don't think there's a single thing about him that has changed. What is it with him? What the hell is he thinking? Yeesh! He's bluffing, he's bluffing! He's just going to go right off running away again! Hey, pipsqueaks! Come on out! I want to fight you! What? You've got it backward! I'm your opponent now! First I'm going to settle things with the pipsqueaks! I'll fight you afterward! Why!? Why do such a roundabout thing? You wanted to defeat me, didn't you!? What's the matter, pipsqueaks? Are you afraid to fight me? What happened to all those high spirits you showed earlier? - What was that? - You say we're afraid!? You don't get it at all, do you!? If we hadn't returned to normal earlier, we would have completely won that fight! I don't know about that. You seemed to be pretty scared, if that was supposed to be the case. - What was that!? - He said we were scared! All right! What a fool! Let's get him! This time, we'll get him for sure, Trunks-kun! Of course we will! Are we going stand here quietly while being mocked by that punk? W-Wait! There's something odd about this. Don't you think it's strange? Why...? You think too much, Piccolo-san! What kind of strategy could come from an idiot like that? Exactly! H-Hey! All right! Plenty of time has gone by! We can do our Fusion! Don't! You guys just be quiet and watch on. I am going to defeat him. You've got to be joking! We can't just sit quietly after having been defied that badly! Big Brother, you just don't know how strong we are when we go through Fusion! We'll show you right now, so just give us some room! Thoughts: That's right! Do it now! That Fusion or whatever thing! All right, let's go, Goten! Yeah! This time, let's start out right away as Super Gotenks! Fu... Fu... - ... sion! - ... sion! Oh, so this is Fusion? It's the Grim Reaper of Justice, Super Gotenks! I-Incredible... For two people to become one person... T-That can't be so! Thoughts: All right! Thoughts: If I can just add those pipsqueaks' power and that Piccolo guy's brains... I-Is this not a trick? What is it, at a time like this? Are you hungry? Tough it out, I'm starving myself. One, two, three, four... One, two, three, four... One, two, three, four... Well, how about I give it to him now? After all, I'm the one he designated. But even so... ... it will be no trouble at all putting him away! Very well. But don't drop your guard! Awright! Y-You dummy! Where are you going? Come back! W-Wait up! Where are you going!? Wait! Here goes! W-What!? W-What is this!? P-Piccolo-san! W-Why, you! What have you done!? You're mine! D-Dammit, no! A-Ah, hell! So that's what he was doing? G-Get him, Gohan! Get him now! Does that mean...? W-W-What was that!? What's happened!? P-Piccolo-san and Super Gotenks were absorbed by Buu! C-Can he do something like that? What do you think, Gohan-kun? My strategy succeeded without incident. Now, look! Wonderful, isn't it? This is that moment which will never come again, no matter the future... The birth of the mightiest of Majin! That was dirty, you! How could you pull those two into yourself!? It's your fault! You're the one who was stronger than me, who should have been the absolute strongest! From the time I could feel your existence so far away, I began this strategy. Perhaps there was someone even stronger than I. And so I thought that if I were to absorb the Super Gotenks or whoever the runts were I was fighting with at the time into myself, then no matter what fellow might show up, my throne as the mightiest of all would not be shaken. However, it seemed that those runts' power was limited by time. That's what they said. Thoughts: Get on with it! Thoughts: I can only stay this ridiculously strong for a little while longer, after all! Thoughts: It will take another hour before I can become like this again! It wouldn't do for me to have them return back to normal at the moment I absorbed them. I waited for the next opportunity. It was apparent that given an hour, they could once again turn into this Super Gotenks. As such, I disappeared for that long. So that was it, was it? However, for you to be standing there babbling on like that, your slow-wittedness doesn't seem to have changed at all. As long as you were out absorbing people, wanting to make yourself first-rate material, it would have been a lot easier to have just absorbed me! You don't seem to understand at all, do you? Without an opponent, what am I to do once I become the strongest? What? The previous Majin Boo said he was definitely going to blow you away, right? That is my greatest goal. I see, so that's it. You've convinced me. Now, then... You'll have to allow me to hurry through this fight. Apparently this Super Gotenks that I've absorbed has quite a short transformation time limit about him. That's a fairly level-headed determination, coming from you. Looks like you were right to absorb Piccolo-san as well. I'm going to kll you. That's for sure. Before you do... I'll kll you! U-Um... Green-faced Kami-sama? C-Could you see that just now? Just now? You mean the fight just now? Then they were fighting? For you to be able to see movement that fast, you really are Kami-sama, aren't you? Y-Yes. I am being allowed to serve as such for the time being. I-I apologize for not saying so before, but I am the world champion of combat sports, Mr. Satan. Pleased to meet you. Ah, it is I who am pleased to meet you. Hmph. It appears you still aren't putting out enough power to kll me. Perhaps you first wish to test my abilities? That's what I would expect from this being Piccolo-san. You've seen right through me, then? This is going to be hard. In that case, it's about time I got down to business! Come on! So, what comes next? Gohan-san! Behind you! W-What does this mean? After being powered-up that much, Gohan-san is being so one-sidedly beaten! Gohan...! Gohan-san! That was Piccolo's technique, right? Makankosappo, isn't it? However, the force was much higher. It was in a whole different league. Don't you think? I have obtained this, the strongest power in the universe... ... for the purpose of klling you! W-What's that now? There's another Buu that has come out of Buu's mouth! How come? How come? I am at a loss to say... W-What is that!? Die!! Don't do it, Gohan! Don't touch that thing! G-Gohan-san's Ki has disappeared! T-That can't be! Have you been beaten, Gohan? This is pretty bad, huh? K-Kami-sama! Let me have life, even after I've died! I'm not d*ad! We survived, Wan-chan! Wan-chan is gone! What's the matter? Are you trying to buy time by hiding yourself there, while you hold your Ki? Which would mean that you've realized at least this much- that there's no way you can stand up to me like this! Thoughts: Having absorbed Piccolo and Super Gotenks, Majin Buu has been reborn! Thoughts: What will become of Gohan's fight against this strongest, most evil of enemies? Subtitles by: Gon-Sensei/UNISON FANSUB Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: I can't believe it! Gohan became so strong and he can't do nothing against Buu! Thoughts: He's going to be beaten like this! Thoughts: That was a miscalculation. It's useless, you're going to help, Goku. Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "The Great Kaioshin’s Bright Idea! Son Goku is Revived!!" Thoughts: Dad was brought to life in exchange of Great Kaioshin's life.	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x143 - Head Straight towards the Catastrophe! One Hour Time Limit!!\" / \"Headlong Rush Into Catastrophe! A One-Hour Tim"}	foreverdreaming
Opening -Eyecatch- Ending OpacaThoughts: Buu, having absorbed Piccolo's brains and Super Gotenks' power, Thoughts: has reached a new transformation! As long as you were out absorbing people, wanting to make yourself first-rate material, it would have been a lot easier to have just absorbed me! You don't seem to understand at all, do you? Without an opponent, what am I to do once I become the strongest? I am definitely going to blow you away! You've convinced me. What's the matter? Are you trying to buy time by hiding yourself there, while you hold your Ki? Which would mean that you've realized at least this much- that there's no way you can stand up to me like this! We'll see! The Great Kaioshin's Bright Idea! Son Goku is Revived!! What's the matter? Weren't you going to kll me? You've got to watch your opponent's movements more closely! You were taught that in training, right? By Piccolo? S-Shut up! Where are you looking? I am the mightiest in the universe! I am, absolutely! I will not allow anyone to surpass me! - Wan-chan!? - Over there! Farewell, then. That was this Gotenks' technique as well. How does it feel, to be done in by your own pals' techniques? D-Dammit, this is hopeless! Gohan is going to get klled like this! I had not taken this into account... Okay then, Son Goku, you go and help him! N-No, I can no longer... He's right, honorable ancestor. Son Goku can in fact never go to the temporal world again. I know that. I will give you my life to replace yours. Then, you can return to life. G-Grand Kaioshin-sama, your life... to me? Y-You mustn't! That the Grand Kaioshin-sama should grant his life to a human, of all things! How can that be!? In that case, the whole universe is finished. Majin Buu will surely come here as well. T-Then, at least, let it be my life! K-Kaioshin-sama! I was unable to prevent Majin Boo's revival, nor could I contribute to Gohan-san's training! I want to be able to be at least that much help. You need not go that far. You're still young. I would only live another thousand years or so anyhow. Honorable ancestor... O-Old-timer... G-Gohan-san! This is one of your techniques as well... You must be happy to be klled like this. This was all too easy! You're a tough one. W-What did you say!? - Is this true!? - Mm. It's a good thing I thought ahead, just in case, and left his spirit the way it was. I've even given him a body. Please, let this be of some help. I don't think this is the proper thing to do either, but it cannot be helped if we are to save the Earth. For you to have to rely on a miscreant such as I... However, with Majin Buu as my opponent, I don't think I can fulfil your faint expectations. Okay, Uranai Baba, I hate to have to do this, but take him to Earth. Hurry. Understood. M-Me take him!? The Earth... No, the universe is in crisis! Why does a weak old woman such as myself have to go to where that terrifying Majin Buu is!? I'm counting on you. On me, now? How pitiful. H-Honorable ancestor... So then, farewell. Old timer... Thanks so much. I definitely ain't going to let your life go to waste! All right! Hurry up and go! What are you doing!? Come on, come on! Are you trying to make my death in vain!? I told you, it is no use muffling your Ki. You just don't know when to give up. Are you wanting to live even one second longer? What's wrong? Hang in there! You're getting awfully weak. Not yet, not yet! As long as I have time remaining, I will have you entertain me! H-Hey, he's getting beaten! He's getting beaten up! Y-You should take the dog and run far away! You'll be caught up in this! Hey, if it comes to that... and as a martial arts champion, I hate to have to use it... This . will start spitting fre! How about that!? Well, I'm off! Just a second, Son Goku! Going off is fine and all, but once you go, how do you intend to bat Majin Buu? I hate to say it, but I don't think that the two of you could bat Majin Buu now. Um... Ah, yeah! Fusion! Me and Gohan will do Fusion! Then we'll win for sure! Fusion... Mm, that thing those little guys were doing? I doubt that Majin Buu would just wait around while you guys go through the nuisance of posing through that Fusion business. T-Then what should we do!? Grand Kaioshin-sama, it was you who told me to go give it to him! Which is why... Here! Put one of these Potara earrings on your left ear. J-Just what sort of purpose will that thing serve? Good question... By putting this on, will it make me stronger? I ain't getting that sense at all. Have Gohan place the other one on his right ear. Just by doing that, you two can combine together, like you were in Fusion. Really!? Of course! And the effect is even greater than Fusion! These are the treasures we Kaioshin have kept up our sleeves since long ago, you know! I-I did not know... There really is no helping the folks nowadays. That's why you've gotten so weak, for a Kaioshin. - Kibito, did you know about this? - No. Look, just try it out! You've got them too, right? Kibito, you take off your left one. - I will do my right one... - R-Right. We're going to ht each other! I-Incredible! This is incredible power! W-Whoa...! Goku-san, I can fight too like this! Let us go to Earth together! Don't get carried away! No matter how strong you may have become, you're still nothing special, at best! You're bound to be absorbed by Buu. You stay here. O-Okay... These certainly are awesome, old timer! So, how long can we stay combined? The Potara don't have that sort of shortcoming! It's forever! There's nothing to return you back to normal again! Never... return? What a fix... Staying combined with Gohan that whole time... If it were possible, then I for one would have returned... You mean to say, old-timer, that you combined with someone using the Potara? Y-Yeah. A long time ago, I used to be more handsome. Then this nasty old witch took my Potara when I wasn't paying attention... Thoughts: What's this, an earring? Thoughts: Let me borrow this for a second! Thoughts: This sort of thing is more suited to a pretty gal, like me. Which is how I came to be like this. And, as a result, I'm also able to do some mysterious things, as you've seen. Well, I guess it's this or nothing. I wonder if perhaps, once peace is restored, I'll have to start going to Gohan's school like this. What's the matter? Are you finished now? D-Dammit! W-What's going on? I-I do not know. Gohan-san seems to be getting considerably knocked around. Gohan-san! It's okay! I will heal you! You're all worn out! I'm getting tired of this. It's just about time I finish you off. What's that guy doing!? Gohan-san. Dende... Thank you, Dende! Impossible! He's been restored to the way he used to be! Who is that runt!? The size of your Ki has not changed. It doesn't appear as if you have powered up any. You've just slightly prolonged the time you will spend suffering! While I'm at it, that annoying runt as well! Oh, no! D-Dammit, I'll sht it down! H-How's that!? Do you see now, the power of my . !? Who's there? T-Tenshinhan-san! So, it was you, Gohan. You've gotten tougher, huh? Unbelievable. I didn't recognize you. I'm surprised at the change in Majin Boo, as well. So, the annoying small fry have increased again? Nevertheless, small fry are, after all, still small fry! That didn't hurt in the least. D-Dammit! Our dimensions are too different! I won't be any help at all! Shall I get around to settling this now? I'll destroy the whole Earth, and you small fry along with it, with this! Try to avoid it, if you can! F-Forgive me, Majin Buu! Die!! Oh, yeah! Should I use these Potara things after I've turned Super Saiyan? No. Don't do anything you don't have to. Once you've combined using the Potara, you're going to be like that a long time. That Super Saiyan thing is too hard on the body. You'd probably shorten your own lives. Ah, really? If you're going to become Super Saiyan, it's better to do it after you've combined. And even if you don't do so, the power from just the Potara should just be enough. That'd be great. That's right. You can only use the Potara once, after all. You can't do it over and over. Got it? Hurry up! This is awful! Majin Buu is planning to finish everything off! Oh! You're right! This is bad! Hurry, Goku-san! Bye! Everything, be gone!! I-I'm sorry, Majin Buu! F-Father...? What are you doing in the lower realm? Buu's body has been torn apart... T-They were my bll*ts. Forgive me! I had no choice! Majin Buu! Forgive me...! Thoughts: Goku takes possession of the Kaioshin's precious merging items, his Potara. Thoughts: Furthermore, Vegeta is going to Earth. Thoughts: How will end the fight against Buu? Subtitles by: Gon-Sensei/UNISON FANSUB Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: Oh, no! Gohan was absorved before I could fuse with him! Thoughts: It just left Mr Satan! Thoughts: I'm going to give you a chance to fuse. Thoughts: So, with whom will you be merged? Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "One Time Only Miracle… Will the Super Combination With That Guy Come About?" Thoughts: Dad and Vegeta?!	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x144 - Special Training Completed! You're Finished Now, Majin Buu!!\" / \"Training Complete! You're Finished Now, Majin"}	foreverdreaming
Opening -Eyecatch- Ending OpacaThoughts: Majin Buu and Gohan's ferocious battle continued... Not yet, not yet! As long as I have time remaining, I will have you entertain me! Thoughts: Having obtained the Potara earrings, Thoughts: mysterious items used for merging with someone else, Thoughts: Son Goku at last returned to his world. Everything be gone!! "One Time Only Miracle… "Will the Super Combination With That Guy Come About?" I'm sure I've met you before. That's it. You're the guy that did those odd transformations. Now what? Have you come, planning to help? Ridiculous. Don't you understand that fundamentally, I am on a different dimension now than I was then? Act all big now, while you can! I'm using a little item here that gives an exceptional power-up! What? Of all the things you might have said...! W-Why, you...! That guy just now also appears to be quite an expert, but with one kick, that's how he ends up. An exceptional power-up item, you say? What nonsense! You're exaggerating! To be frank, no matter what you might do, there's absolutely no way you can even damage me! You sure hurried to put your body back together, considering that, didn't you? You're not thinking something is going to happen, are you? Small fry! You sure seem to want to get klled! Very well! Gohan! Here! Pick it up! Hurry! Right! Put that on your right ear! You'll combine with me, and we'll defeat Buu! What!? Combine with him? So that's it! Even if you do so, I think it'll be worthless, but just to make sure, let me intervene. I'm going to kll you first! T-T-Time out for a second! Wait, please! I can't find it... That stupid lunk! It's hopeless! Die! Dammit! It's useless! Gohan! Find it right away! Right! Here it is! Damn! You're not that bad. Where is it!? Where is it!? Where is it!? Now to finish you! Shit! So that's it! The half-pints have returned to normal from their Fusion! Piccolo is coming out strongest! You ran out of time! Too bad for you! Buu, your power has dropped quite a bit! Here it is! Father! This is Kaioshin-sama's, right? What was I supposed to do with it again? H-Huh? That's a bit disappointing. With you like this now, Gohan can bat you without going to the trouble of combining with me! It's a good thing I took out some insurance, just in case! Insurance? What do you mean? This part that was cut off. Why do you think I haven't returned it to normal? Dammit, no! T-This can't be! Y-You just can't do that, you know! That's it! It's all over! What will happen? I don't know. This is great! I'm much more powered-up than before! But this time, there is no time limit! I can't combine with Gohan now! It's no use! I'll have to do it with someone else...! Tenshinhan is down... M-Mister Satan? So, what will you do!? I have taken the Son Gohan you wanted to merge with first! What should I do? What should I do? There is nobody anywhere left for you to merge with! T-That was dirty, Buu, absorbing everyone! Winning is everything, just as it must be for you. Damn you...! Well now, it's nothing to get so despondent over. I'll put you out of your misery soon enough. You will only suffer for a little bit! Hey, why is Majin Buu still alive? T-This is bad. I don't have any bllts left in my pstol. I can't finish him off! Y-You don't say. I am kind at heart, and will give you a chance to merge with someone. You have until I count to five to decide which one of them you will merge with. Got it? One! Two! Thoughts: Dende ain't a fighting type. Thoughts: Even if I do merge with him, it won't mean any more power. Three! Thoughts: It's no use! With Satan, it would be like a power of rising to a power of , Thoughts: and we couldn't bat him! Thoughts: Or worse, if I'm unlucky, I could even become weaker, couldn't I? Four! Damn! It's all or nothing! Satan! Catch this! Thoughts: That Ki...! Thoughts: It's a huge Ki! It couldn't be...! I'm sorry it's a bit distant, but I'm too scared! This is as far as I bring you. Don't worry about it. It will just mean my getting klled by Majin Buu will come a little later. Five! It's Vegeta! What's the matter? Have you given up on combining with someone? In that case, die right now!! Lucky! Instantaneous Movement, huh? Okay then, be careful! Vegeta! All right! It really is you! - K-Kakarrot! - G-Goku! Why are you here!? Thoughts: You aren't supposed to return to this world again! Thoughts: This can't be possible! - V-Vegeta-san! - Good timing! If he combines with that man, something could just turn out! W-Why is Vegeta-san there? Everyone who goes to hell is supposed to have their souls cleansed, have their memories taken away, and become a new life form. This is Great King Yemma's doing! He might have a blank look about him, but when he does something, he really does it! Does he think he can escape me? Be it under the ground, or another planet, I will pursue you, no matter how far! Until I have squeezed the life from you! He's gone! Hey, that man named Goku or whatever looked like he was planning on giving me something. - What could it have been? - It doesn't matter now! Never mind that, I'm going to go after them and see what happens! Please, take me too! I hate to be alone! I won't let you go! W-What does this mean!? What's more, the ring over your head is gone! You've come back to life! Oh, this? There's this old guy, the Grand Kaioshin-sama, who exchanged his life so that I... We'll talk later. Majin Buu is coming this way at ultra-speed! Ba-chan, hurry and run away to the Other World! You're right! Good luck, the both of you! I'll be pulling for you in the Other World! I thought you'd already been wiped out in hell! Yemma-sama sure did something crafty, to leave you the way you were, didn't he? There ain't time! Vegeta, don't talk, just put this on your right ear! Please! Why? If you put this on too, then you and I can merge together! - Merge? - That's right! Our powers will be multiplied together, and a warrior with absurd power will be born! Don't be ridiculous! How can I believe that? V-Vegeta! There's another person there with a large power! However, naturally, they're no match for me! Even if they were to combine together! Vegeta! There ain't nothing else we can do, if we're going to bat Majin Buu! Why should I have to unite with you!? If I'm to become one with you, I'd rather be wiped out! I've found you! H-He's here! Stop it, Vegeta! You're simply no match for him! Please! Put this on! I refuse! It's the same, no matter how many times you say it! All right, come on! You, huh? We've fought before. No matter what, you are no match for me! Thoughts: Tenshinhan-san! Tenshinhan-san! Dende? Thanks. Where's Goku? Where's Majin Buu? He's gone, with his Instantaneous Movement. Buu then chased after him. - I see... - W-What's this? Another trick? What's the matter? Have you chickened out? Vegeta! This is insane! Majin Buu is far, far more powered up than when you fought him before! Hmph! I know that he has tremendous strength! Even so, is there any way I can give up!? So long as there is an opponent before my eyes, I will fight him! I am the proud prince of the Saiyans! Dammit! Stop, Vegeta! Ah, hell! Damn it all! Even the two of you together cannot stand up to me! Die! Stop it, Vegeta! No matter how many times we try this, we're no match for him! There really ain't anything to do but combine! Vegeta! Please! Put this Potara on! Vegeta! Please, Vegeta! This ain't the time to be particular! Okay? It will be the end for everything! You irritate me! Earlier, when you were fighting with me, you hid the fact that you had an even higher power! I was watching from the Other World! You were toying with me! What is this Super Saiyan !? You really grate on my nerves! How am I supposed to merge with someone like you!? I'm sorry. The time I can transform into Super Saiyan is limited. Your excuses don't matter! It doesn't change the fact that when you fought me, you were holding back! I have been made a fool of! This fighting between yourselves is getting all too annoying! If you're not going to come at me, then I'll go at you! Dammit! All right! Now! It's hopeless! No matterwhat we do, we can't win! The Earth and everything else are going to be blown away! It's the end of everything! Hmph! Do I care!? Vegeta, everyone was eaten by Buu! Including Kuririn, and Chichi... ... and Bulma too! Piccolo too, and Gohan, Goten, and even Trunks were absorbed by that guy! That's what Buu's sudden power-up is due to! Everyone will have died for nothing like this! We're going to be klled here, without being able to offer any resistance! Is that okay with you, Vegeta!? Kakarrot! If we merge, will we really be able to win against Buu? I don't know. All that's certain is that we will become incredibly strong! It's about time I put you out of your misery! Give it to me! Quickly! Stop dawdling! Hurry up! Vegeta! Here! I'm done playing with you! Dammit! It was the right ear, right? Oh, yeah! I'll tell you now, once we merge together, we can never return to being two people again! Got that? W-What was that!? Dammit, tell me at the last second, will you? This is the end! This is okay then, right? Thank you, Vegeta! All right, then! Thoughts: At last, Goku and Vegeta have merged! Thoughts: And so, the ultimate clash of the mightiest is about to begin! Thoughts: Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: I could merge with Vegeta! Thoughts: Now let's continue the fight! Thoughts: You can stop to brag now. Thoughts: You will not be able to defeat me with a mere fusion! Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "Invincible! Ultimate Warrior Vegetto". Thoughts: Nobody can defeat our fathers now!	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x145 - Buu Eliminated With Ghosts! A Surefire Kamikaze att*ck!!\" / \"Eliminating Buu with Ghosts: A Knockout Kamikaze A"}	foreverdreaming
Opening -Eyecatch- Ending OpacaThoughts: Buu, having absorbed Gotenks and Piccolo, and then Gohan, Thoughts: had transformed into the mightiest and most evil of Majin, Thoughts: with both ultra power and intelligence. It's about time I put you out of your misery! This is okay then, right? Thank you, Vegeta! All right! Invincible! Ultimate Warrior Vegetto. This is awesome! Better than I imagined! You seem nervous, huh? What's the matter!? There's nothing to be particularly surprised about, is there? Kakarrot and Vegeta have been united, so I guess that makes me Vegetto. I wondered what was going to happen, but it appears as if they successfully combined together. Now then, let's continue! So that's it? Still, do you think that just by combining you two together, that you are a match for me? Don't you toy with me! I felt that a bit just now. Is that so? I was still trying to hold back on you. What's the matter? You aren't about to cash it in from just that, are you? All right... I've finally gotten warmed up. My apologies! I'm still not used to this body! But I'm okay now! This time, we'll get started for sure! Let's do that! If you were to have died on me like this, I would have been greatly disappointed! The fun is just beginning! N-Now you've done it...! The Grand Kaioshin-sama was right. The power of these Potara is incredible! That's more like it. I see. You do seem stronger than you were when it was the two of you. Indeed I have gotten stronger! Enough to be able to kll you! Enough of you being carried away with yourself! I was planning on playing around with you a bit more, but I'm not going to hold back any longer! I'm sending you to the Next World right now! If you can do it, go ahead and try! N-Not bad... How do you like this? What? Is that... Don't tell me...! Yes, that's right! There's enough energy gathered in here to smash the planet to smithereens! Will you indeed be able to stop this? If you fear for your life, you can also dodge it! However, once it falls to the ground, it's all over... the Earth will be blown away! Without a trace, in an instant! Now what will you do!? So, then, are you prepared? Prepared? You don't get it, huh? Do you seriously think that all that bluster is going to work on me? What did you say!? Well, fine. I'll give it a try. Whenever you like! I promise you, I won't run even one step. You carry your boasting too far! In that case, you and the Earth together can cease to exist! It's over! Here, I'm returning this to you! Here it is! What's that smug look for? Are you proud of yourself for bouncing that back just now? You certainly have become stronger. However, you still cannot say you have surpassed me! Is that so? In that case, how about I show you? This is Super Vegetto! Super Vegetto, you say? You don't seem to understand yet, huh? I have absorbed three Saiyans... The two half-pints, as well as Gohan! Now that you have combined together and become a Super Saiyan, what is that supposed to do for you!? You're the one who doesn't understand. Merging via the Potara is not that simple a matter. Of course, you probably wouldn't understand if I explain it to you verbally. I'll show you. You're right! If you can't understand something you're told, all that's left is to make you understand by force! You miserable fool! The likes of you...! What about "the likes of me"? Your nose is bleeding. It wasn't better before, when you got no nose? The more you make me angry, the more you're going to suffer and die! Have you understood that? Didn't feel that at all. I wish you'd take this a little more seriously. Inflicting damage is done like this... Y-You're not...! How was that? I bet you felt that! That didn't hurt... That didn't hurt! How about this? Can you see me, I wonder? Nah, I can't see you. However... W-What? The important thing to grasp is strength and movement of Ki. You follow me with your eyes, which is why you can't keep up with my motions. You think you're so great! He's so strong! To think that Majin Buu is so helpless! I never thought the Potara union could be so incredible! What are you so carried away for, you moron? It's only because those two did it that it's gone so far. You've got two of the three greatest experts, from This World and the Next World combined, merged together, after all. Moreover, you've got two rivals teamed together. That's obviously going to be what's strongest! Under the circumstances, something like that doesn't really matter, does it? In any case, now the Earth... No, the whole universe, will be saved! How unsightly. What's the matter? You've gotten awfully quiet, haven't you? You know something, this isn't any fun at all. I wish you would take this more seriously. Or perhaps you have been serious, and this is how it turned out. In that case, it was rude of me to say that, and I was out of line. I apologize. Why, you...! Y-You laughed at me! A mere man such as you...! What's this? How about that? I've entered inside your own body! No matter how powered up you may become, I doubt there's anything you can do about this! Prepare yourself! I'm going to destroy your body from the inside! You're the one who should be preparing yourself. What!? W-Why!? Why can't I move like I want to? It's only natural. I've bottled up your movements with my Ki, after all. As long as you're inside my body, you cannot move freely. What are you going to do? You want to continue? You are one distasteful creep! And yet, with all those many guys you've merged with, if that's all you've got, I'm fairly disappointed. Disappointed, you say? In me? In me, the strongest in the universe!? That's enough of you making a fool out of me! Make a fool out of me, will you? Me...!? Me...!? Incredible power! You can manage it if you just try, can't you? You'll pay for that! Make a fool out of me, will you? Make a fool out of me, will you!? This is bad! He's gotten completely fired up! If I don't stop him, this universe will be crushed by alternate dimensions! That was close! You sure do have awesome power, huh? In which case, use that power to come ht me! You were going to defeat me as proof to all, right? That you are the strongest in the universe? Thoughts: Ultra powers clash between Majin Buu and Vegetto. Thoughts: Will the one who decides this fierce battle be Vegetto? Thoughts: Or will it be Majin Buu? Thoughts: Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: Come at me, Majin Buu! Thoughts: I can finish you off using just my legs! Thoughts: Give already your finishing move, you miserable fool! Thoughts: It's never good to overestimate your own powers! Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "The Ace Up Buu's Sleeve! The Warriors are Absorbed!!" Thoughts: Father, it's dangerous to get carelessly close to Buu!	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x146 - The Reserved Transformation of Gotenks! Super Gotenks 3!!\" / \"Gotenks' Ace in the Hole! Transformation! Super G"}	foreverdreaming
Opening -Eyecatch- Ending OpacaThoughts: Majin Buu absorbed Gotenks, Piccolo, and Gohan, Thoughts: obtaining intellect and power. Thoughts: In order to save the Earth from Majin Buu, Thoughts: Goku and Vegeta merged together, Thoughts: becoming the ultra-warrior Vegetto. This is Super Vegetto! Thoughts: The ultra-power of Super Vegetto overwhelmed even Majin Buu, Thoughts: who had achieved the ultimate power-up. You were going to defeat me as proof to all, right? That you are the strongest in the universe? The Ace Up Buu's Sleeve! The Warriors are Absorbed!! What's the matter? Come at me! Try hitting me with that power you just displayed! Why the hell is he taking so long!? Hurry up and defeat Majin Buu! Did you think I would be beaten from just that? You're a pesky bastard. Shortly, I'm going to let your central body have that. If you were to just be wiped clean out, then not even you could return to normal again. D-Damn it all...! S-Shortly? Why doesn't he just defeat him all at once? If he lets him alone, he could release that power that can even break down the walls between dimensions! He must be playing around. This is not a game! Now! Wipe out Majin Buu now! Damn it all...! Damn it all! T-This...! This wasn't supposed to be like this? Look, don't get so depressed. I'm surprised at this myself. To think that I would be able to make this big a fool out of you! Y-You piece of crap! In that case...! Take this! So that's it. This is the technique of Gotenks, who you've absorbed. You knew that, huh? Then you must also know how terrifying they are. Touch them in the slightest, and they'll explode! They sure are some creepy guys! Go!! Let me give you something good! Did you think that technique would work on me? It's a technique thought up by a child! You're awfully harried, aren't you? I didn't think it would work either. It's a technique I'm not accustomed to yet. That was just some light warming up. What you say is certainly true. That was an infantile technique thought up by a child. However... ... you can also use them this way. We begin immediately! Even increasing their number, it will be the same thing. Now, go, my ghosts! To the right! It couldn't be...! They can control them too, huh? He fell for it! What?! That's what you get for looking down on them as child's techniques, you wretched fool! You're the one who's the fool. You should have realized it sooner! Instantaneous Movement, huh? It was a well thought-out technique, for you. Not even I could have escaped the damage of a Kamehameha/Masenko double-attck. Still, a child's technique is, after all, a child's technique. It will not work against me. I thought you were a bit stronger than this. Could you make me get serious about this before too much longer? See here! Finish him off right now! Are you planning on amusing yourself some more by getting Buu angry? Just what might his intentions be? Damn, it looks like he's gotten too strong! That idiot! If you get too confident of your power, things aren't going to go well! I told you, the important thing to grasp is the movement of Ki! Didn't you listen to what I said? S-Shut up! That was dirty of you... merging yourselves together! That's a fine thing for you to say, when you're the one who kept merging together with all those others! Come on, come on, what's the matter? Just my legs are enough against the likes of you! Why, you...! Hey, aren't we there yet? What are all these tremors!? It's likely that it is the sound of Goku-san fighting. W-We can hear it all the way over here? You still don't seem to fully understand, so I'll explain it to you bluntly. It is useless for you! Useless to try to win against me! It doesn't matter how much you try, you can't bat me. What are you going to do? Do you plan on continuing still? Of course I do! There's no way I can lose! I am the strongest in the universe! Come and get it! I'll utterly pound you! What's the matter? Are you afraid of me? Come on, now! Come here! You talk like you're so big! You're just a wimp who's all talk! Now, come on, come on! You're one punk that never learns! Thoughts: All right! Hey, do you like coffee candy? Take that! Worthless fool! That's what you get for coming near me carelessly! You piece of crap! I-It can't be...! You imbecile! This is why I told you to wipe him out quickly, you little turd! I just knew he was too confident in his power! Now everything has come to naught! Shall I chew you up all at once? Or should I suck on you, little by little dissolving you away instead? I did it! I finally did it! How pathetic, becoming a hard candy! You truly are helpless now! Well, don't get too discouraged! I'll be eating you soon enough! Little by little, little by little, I'll slowly dissolve you in my mouth, and once you've gotten small enough, I'll crunch down and chew you up! My fault, my fault! Still, too bad for you, Buu. This is impossible! My appearance may have been altered, but apparently my strength hasn't changed. How about that? My speed is the same too. But without arms and legs, it's hard to stay in form. What are you going to do? Your opponent is the strongest hard candy in the universe! Don't be absurd! Even if you can move, you're still nothing more than hard candy! And as a hard candy, what can you do!? Are you sure you want to ask something like that? Besides, are you sure it's not too dangerous? Being this small, it'll be hard for you to attck me. attck you? Where is the necessity in me doing that? I'll just catch you and drop you into my mouth! That's all there is to it! Is that so? Well then, by all means, here I go! Didn't I tell you so? My strength hasn't changed! I'm taking a breather. What's wrong? Weren't you going to catch me and eat me? If you won't come at me, then I'll go at you! Now I'll eat you! Damn you, whizzing around like that! My, my, that was inexcusable. You wanted to eat me so badly, I decided I would let myself be eaten, but instead I went right through you. What will you do now? Shall we do this some more? Return! That's all for the hard candy, huh? You did what you could, but in the end, it looks like it was impossible for you to eat me. Thank goodness! I thought that was going to take years off my life! You moron! So long as he hasn't defeated Majin Buu, there won't be any exceptions to the lifespan of every living thing in the universe! T-That's right... How inexcusable of me! Enough! We all know quite well that you are strong! So please, please, hurry and end this! See here, what's wrong? Don't tell me you're thinking of ending this before I've even gotten serious! You're the strongest in the universe, aren't you? T-That didn't hurt! That doesn't appear to be the case. What? Even for you, you've taken too much damage, and it seems your regeneration can't keep up, huh? Now then, I've grown tired of messing around with you, and it's about time I end this. What did you say!? You're going to finish me...? Shut up and listen to me. You can't be so stupid as to not realize the difference in our two powers after I've made this big a fool of you. I know! Ten! I will wait until I've counted to ten before I eliminate you. You should pray good and hard, or whatever. Well, I'm starting to count! One...! Two...! Thoughts: Dammit! Three...! If you want to rush your death, you can come at me! I'll wipe you out in an instant! Without a trace! Four...! Five...! Thoughts: Damn. How could my techniques be all but useless against him? Thoughts: At this point, the only thing I can do is absorb him. But how...? Six...! Thoughts: Is that...? Thoughts: That's it! That's what he broke off earlier! Seven...! Eight...! Thoughts: So he's finally noticed it? Thoughts: This was the whole reason I cut off that tail-like thing Thoughts: growing out of his head, after all. Thoughts: All right! He's letting his guard down... Nine...! Thoughts: Now then, just how well is this going to work? Ten! Barrier!! I did it! Thoughts: At length, even Vegetto has been absorbed by Majin Buu. Thoughts: There are no other warriors that can defeat him. Thoughts: What in the world will become of Earth, and the rest of the universe? Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "Rescuing Gohan and Company! Goku and Vegeta's Infiltration Mission!" Thoughts: We did it! Buu is coming back to normal!	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x147 - In High Spirits! Buu-Buu Volleyball!\" / \"On a Roll! Buu-Buu-Volleyball!"}	foreverdreaming
Opening -Eyecatch- Ending OpacaThoughts: Majin Buu became completely unstoppable. Thoughts: Having returned to his original form. Thoughts: It's hopeless! I can't do Instantaneous Movement in such a brief amount of time! Thoughts: It was at that time when Kaioshin Thoughts: instantaneously moved from the Kaioshin Realm and saved Goku and the others. Thoughts: However, the Earth was in the end destroyed, Thoughts: as were Piccolo, Gohan, and Goten. Look at this! After being blown to pieces, Majin Buu is returning to normal! Majin Buu! Final Decisive Battle! A Conclusion in the Realm of the Kaioshins!! Buu has at length gotten to the Grand Kaio's World. Hey, give your Potara over to Goku and Vegeta. If they unite once again, they will bat that guy easily, right? Right! Here, Goku-san, Vegeta-san. Please use these Potara and defeat Majin Buu for sure this time! No, we won't need these. I'm giving it back. After all, these, you see, just ain't suited for us. I appreciate the offer, but I want to fight by myself. - G-Goku-san! - I'm sorry, asking to be selfish at a critical time like this, but after all, he ain't merged any more either. Y-You idiot! What are you saying, at a time like this!? You guys aren't in a sport-fighting match with Buu here! T-That's right, Goku-san! Well said, Kakarrot! I don't need this any more either! That's the very essence of the warrior Saiyan people! C-Can you bat Buu like that? He has gone back to the original, most difficult, powerful Majin Buu! It's okay. We'll manage something! I'm sure of it! - What's the matter, Kaio of the North? - It's Majin Buu! That bastard! How could he!? Thoughts: Damn it all! I wish he would hurry and go somewhere else! Thoughts: I'll be turned into chocolate again... Thoughts: Damn! I got him! - Kuririn, are you okay? - Yeah... He's not the kind of opponent we can stand up to in the first place. See here! What are you planning to do! Stop that! Stop that! Buu is planning to destroy the Grand Kaio's world too! Tthat's bad! Kuririn and Yamcha have already died once! If they die again, then this time, they'll be completely eliminated! All right! Instantaneous Movement! Wait, Kakarrot! Let's call him here! It won't be so easy, in this holy Kaioshin Realm, for everything to be destroyed! - We can fight as much as we want! - But how do we do that? We're the ones he's after! We'll raise our Ki and let him know that we are here! T-That's it! All right! No matter how much we do it, it's no use! Damn! I'll turn into chocolate, or a biscuit, or anything you want, just stop! S-Stop!! It's all over! I-It vanished...! - Buu! - Buu! On this planet, we can fight as hard as we want! Kaioshin-sama, please, I want you to take everyone and move to some other planet. It appears that this ain't going to be finished with half-hearted fighting. I don't want to be any trouble to anyone else. R-Right, understood! What are we going to do with you!? Okay, fine. This Kaioshin Realm won't be destroyed over anything reasonable, after all. Goku, Vegeta, you fight him as hard as you can! Thank you, old timer. Good luck, Goku-san, Vegeta-san! Now then, are you ready? Please touch part of my body. - Like this? - Okay, here we go! I-It's him! And Goku, too! - Where in the world are they? - It's the Kaioshin Realm. The holy region of the Kaioshin Realm, where even us Kaio find it difficult to go to. Now Buu has moved there, instantaneously. The reason he went there without destroying this planet first... ...was because he wanted to find Goku and them as soon as he could! Is that it? So thanks to Goku and the others, we were spared. Kaio of the North, what are you babbling about? What in the world is the matter? You too can spy on things far away, right? If you look, you'll soon understand. - Let's see... - The holy region of the Kaioshin Realm. Where are we? One of the planets in the Lower Realm. Here, even if the Kaioshin Realm is destroyed, we should not be affected. Sure is overrun by grass. Well, I guess it's better than having nothing but rocks. Let's see... Those Saiyans sure are troublesome. They tossed away those precious Potara, and judging from their manner, they don't appear to be of any mind to merge with Fusion either. W-Will they be able to win against Majin Buu like that? Well, if the two of them put their powers together... All right! How about we try smacking him one, to see if we can do anything about this? Yeah. Who's going to go first? All right... - Let's decide! - All right! - Tie, go again! Again! Again! Again! - Tie, go again! Again! Again! Again! I did it! They're planning to fight one at a time! Imbeciles! Can't you fight together!? Your opponent is Majin Buu! Kakarrot! I'm going to have a good hard look at Super Saiyan ! Okay! Your turn might just disappear, though! I can say this now, but the truth is, I could have beaten that chubby Buu back when I was at Super Saiyan . But I wanted those young guys to do something about him instead. For the sake of what would happen on Earth afterward. Vegeta, that jerk, he's not listening! Here goes, Buu! He's being considerably tranquil this time. He's sleeping! Damn it, because of that despicable guy, both the Earth and my friends were wiped out. I won't let him get away with it! H-He's a strange one. Now I've done it! I forgot to bring that human named Satan from the Kaioshin Realm! Doesn't matter. Leave him be. What's this? What's going on? Oh, it's you, is it? You know what? Where did everyone else go? Impudent bastard! You bastard... Do you even feel like going at it? Did he get him? Awesome, Goku! That was right off the bat, you know! All right...! He's won, he's won! Our blond big brother has won! Has Goku-san won? No. It will take more than just that for Buu to be defeated. Sure enough... That bastard! I-Is this dream still going on!? This is one powerful dream! Damn! Hang in there, blond big brother! Don't you lose! It's a dream, but you must not lose! I'm astounded... I'm astounded! What a fight! One of them is that Son Goku fellow, who came here quite a while ago to train, right? - And the other one? - That's Majin Buu. You've heard about him, right? Long ago, he ran roughshod over the universe, and gave four of the Kaioshin-sama such a hard time. That's Majin Buu, the one who Madoshi Bibidi created? The legendary essence of evil, most wicked in all of history? You bastard... Mess with me, will you? I-Is this the power those two have!? This is a whole different league! What is he thinking? Ain't no way I'm just going to silently look on! What? What is this!? What's wrong!? Thoughts: The climax of the fight is about to begin! Thoughts: With the entire universe at stake! Thoughts: We are counting on you, Goku! Thoughts: Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: Buu is pretty strong! Thoughts: Thoughts: Kakarrot, you are one incredible guy... Thoughts: You're the only one who can fight against Majin Buu... Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "Do Your Best, Kakarrot! You Are No. !!" Thoughts:	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x151 - The Great Kai\u014dshin's Bright Idea! Son Goku is Revived!!\" / \"The Elder Kai's Brainstorm! Return to Life, Goku!"}	foreverdreaming
Opening -Eyecatch- Ending OpacaThoughts: Majin Buu, while searching for Goku and the others, Thoughts: was wandering through space, and finally arrived at the Grand Kaio's world. Buu is planning to destroy the Grand Kaio's world too! We're the ones he's after! We'll raise our Ki and let him know that we are here! T-That's it! Thoughts: At length, Majin Buu appeared in the holy region of the Kaioshin Realm! Thoughts: A battle with the entire universe on the line now begins! Do Your Best, Kakarrot! You Are No. !! It's all over! Not even Goku is a match for him! Buu will wreak havoc on the entire universe! Look, don't worry. OpacaIt looks a little like Goku is considering something. OpacaHe's measuring Buu's power. OpacaThat's the sort of fighting he was doing. It's the end of this world! It's the end of the Other World! It's the end of Mister Satan! Majin Buu, you are one dense guy, but your power, speed, and powers of recovery are all incredible! You're on a whole different level from all the Buus up to now! You're ridiculously strong! There, look! Goku is finally getting serious! So then, the fight starts now! Hmph, so Kakarrot has finally decided to get down to it? Hang in there, blond big brother! Don't be in such a hurry. The fight is just getting started. T-This is a fierce fight, huh? E-Even more than fierce...! Hang in there, Goku! W-What an awesome fight, oni! If I missed this, I'd regret it the rest of my life, oni! That blond guy looks like that guy who fell from the Serpentine Road before, oni. You're right, oni! As I remember, he was named Son Goku, oni! I hate him! Shatter my cherished dream of ruling the universe, will you? Lose! Get yourself beaten! You know, this is surprising. To think that there is someone who could put on so much more incredible a fight than I! - Who is the other one, oni? - I've never seen him, oni. He was, you see, my subordinate, Majin Buu! Buu adored me like I was his older brother, and anywhere I went, he came with me. I gave him his first lessons for those techniques he's fighting with now. However, he's kind of slow on the uptake, and I couldn't do much with him, really. Babidi-san, you're some incredible guy, huh, oni? Well... you might say so. And, if you see Buu the way I do, he's still just a child. Damn! Buu, make a fool of me, will you? Lose! Lose! Get beaten to a pulp! Goku, hang in there! Hang in there! The Kaioshin Realm is being destroyed! Hey, it will still be fine after just this! Hang in there, Goku! Get him! Get him some more! Go! That's it! Give it to him! There, there, don't worry. Even if we are in the middle of a dream, I'll be sure to protect you! I am the hero of Earth, Mister Satan! Thoughts: Where are you, Buu? Hold on...! Watch out! Thoughts: Where the hell is he going to come out from? Thoughts: Where are you? So, it was there, huh? Thoughts: Dammit! Not even at Super Saiyan can I keep up with his movements! Thoughts: He's able to read every movement I'm going to make! Thoughts: That miserable Majin Buu! He has terrifying strength... It's all or nothing! This ain't the time to be thinking about exhausting my power! Thoughts: Goku! W-W-W-What's this!? Huh? Does Majin Buu have that many children!? Kakarrot! Switch out, Kakarrot! You rest for a little bit! V-Vegeta... he has... ridiculous strength... You need to be prepared! I know. Vegeta! Thoughts: What quick, heavy attcks these are! Thoughts: Kakarrot was fighting an opponent like this!? How can this be? How can Vegeta be absolutely no match for him? This is bad! Thoughts: D-Dammit, he's toying with me! Thoughts: I am the warrior Saiyan people's prince, Vegeta-sama! Bastard! This is having no effect at all! Vegeta-san! Thoughts: I-I'm no match for him... I'm simply no match for him...! Thoughts: I-I'll be klled...! Kakarrot! Switch out, Vegeta. Majin Buu is strong. Stronger than anyone else I've ever fought before! But I ain't lost yet! Kakarrot! Thoughts: Kakarrot, you are one incredible guy... Thoughts: I was absolutely no match against Majin Buu. Thoughts: You're the only one who can fight him. Thoughts: Kakarrot... the first time I met you was when I came to Earth Thoughts: as I was conquering planets on the frontier. Thoughts: So, you've shown up? Thoughts: What have you come all this way for, Kakarrot? Thoughts: Don't tell me you've come to say you're going to defeat me, Thoughts: or some other absurd joke, have you? Thoughts: D-Damned if I'm about to let something like this happen! Thoughts: I-I am the Saiyan prince! I am ultra-elite! Thoughts: There's no way I can be beaten by a lower-class warrior like him! Thoughts: I am the greatest in the universe! Thoughts: Ever since then, I lived with the goal of surpassing you, Kakarrot. Thoughts: It's said that the legendary Super Saiyan Thoughts: can only appear in one out of a thousand... Thoughts: Even if the legend were true, Thoughts: the capacity to become a Super Saiyan lies within me alone! Thoughts: There's no way that lower class warrior Kakarrot Thoughts: could become a legendary Super Saiyan! Thoughts: He's clearly surpassed the Saiyan fighting level. Thoughts: I-Is the legend really true? Is he... really a Super Saiyan!? Thoughts: From my own self-anger, suddenly I was awakened... to being a Super Saiyan! Thoughts: I was trembling with the joy of it! Thoughts: Finally, finally, the time when I had surpassed Kakarrot Thoughts: and returned as the Saiyan prince had come! Thoughts: However, in the end, I was unable to surpass you. Thoughts: At first, I thought it was because you had something to protect... Thoughts: that having a strong mind towards defending something gave rise to some mysterious power... Thoughts: That certainly may be true, but if that were it, Thoughts: then it would have been the same for me, now. Thoughts: It was to have my own way, Thoughts: it was for my own enjoyment, it was to kll my enemies, Thoughts: and it was for my own pride that I had fought... Thoughts: But, Kakarrot, you were different. You don't fight in order to win, Thoughts: you fight in order to be certain you do not lose, Thoughts: and in order to keep reaching your limits. Thoughts: That's why you don't worry about taking your opponent's life. Thoughts: In the end, you never did kll me. Thoughts: It's as if you knew that I would now come to have the slightest bit of a heart. Thoughts: It's so maddening! That there should be a Saiyan who loves to fight, yet is kind! Thoughts: Hang in there, Kakarrot! You are Number One! Please, anything but that!! T-This is a considerably powerful dream! Not again! Stupid punk! That was a genuine Kamehameha. Thoughts: Even the highly proud Vegeta has at last taken off his hat! Thoughts: The battle between Son Goku and Majin Buu continues. Thoughts: Goku, hang in there! Protect the universe's tomorrows! Subtitles by: Gon-Sensei/UNISON FANSUB Thoughts: Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: Dammit! That bastard ain't lost any of his resilience! Thoughts: I have to gather Ki for about a whole minute. Thoughts: If you have one minute, Thoughts: you can gather enough Ki to annihilate him, right? Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "A One Minute Battle. Vegeta's Life Risking Stall Tactics!" Thoughts: Vegeta-san, hang in there!	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x152 - One Time Only Miracle... Will the Super Combination With That Guy Come About?\" / \"Miracles Happen Once... Will"}	foreverdreaming
Opening -Eyecatch- Ending OpacaThoughts: The final, decisive clash between Goku and Majin Buu has become fierce. Thoughts: Goku boldly challenged Buu, with strength that taxes the imagination, to battle. Thoughts: Seeing this, Vegeta learned of Goku's true greatness. Thoughts: Hang in there, Kakarrot! You are Number One! A One Minute Battle. Vegeta's Life Risking Stall Tactics! T-The Kaioshin Realm...! That holy region of the gods...! Hey! Don't get so upset! This is a crisis for the whole universe, you know! At a time like this, can't you overlook such a small thing? You might call it a small thing... Hang in there, Goku-san! You truly are strong! Even greater than I imagined. If I had known it was going to turn out like this... I should have finished you off for good when I had become Vegetto. But no matter what, I can't afford to lose! Damn! My attcks ain't having any effect on him at all any more! What the hell's the matter!? How do you like this!? Dammit! He just immediately goes back to being good as new! That bastard ain't lost any of his resilience! Kakarrot. What is it, Vegeta? You want to switch in again? Let me go a little bit longer! You've got no intention of switching out again, so quit being so transparent! You must know as well as I do that even if I were to fight him again, then never mind me not having any chance of winning, I'd be klled in a second! No, that's not... Hmph, don't bother trying to be gracious. It's certainly the truth. I learned well once I tried to fight him. Buu there is strong, even more than I am. And you, Kakarrot, are too! Vegeta... Don't hold back for me, finish him off! With your Super Saiyan there, if you gather as much Ki as you can, you should be able to completely obliterate Buu! Yeah... I've been thinking of doing so for a while now, but I just ain't had the chance. Here I'm wanting to obliterate him, but I have to gather Ki for about a whole minute. One minute? Maybe I've been trying too much to look cool! I thought things would go better than this! Y-You were concerned over me? That bastard... He could return to normal in an instant, but he's dragging it out on purpose just for the fun of it! Of all the... How infuriating! One minute is enough, then? If you have one minute, you can gather enough Ki to annihilate him, right? Yeah... If I had a minute, that is... All right! I'll keep him in check somehow for one minute. You start gathering Ki immediately! Vegeta... You're going to keep him in check, you say? That's crazy! I told you that it would take a whole minute in order to gather enough Ki to wipe him out, right!? Is there any other way, Kakarrot? Any other way to bat him? W-Well... In that case, stop your useless worrying and hurry up and gather that Ki! I'll buy you that one minute. I'll stake my pride on it. Understood. I'm counting on you, Vegeta! Listen, Vegeta, in your state, you're already once dad. Do you know what happens to that kind of guy if he dies again? They vanish. In both this world, and the Other World, you will no longer exist. Don't you die, Vegeta. Hmph. Mind your own business. All right, here I go. You piece of crap!! Take this! D-Do you hear something strange? Not again! That's great! If we're lucky, he just might keep up like this for one minute! One minute... If I can hold out for one minute... Vegeta! Bastard...! Hey... Where do you think you're going...? Vegeta! We're... not finished... yet! Are you thinking of running away? You miserable coward! Hurry up and come at me! Come on, what's the matter!? You're the mighty Majin Buu, right? Or are you afraid of me? What!? A little longer... Just a little longer! Hang on, Vegeta! What's so funny...? Y- you can't kll me... with a wimpy attck like that...! I'm not lying... After all, I'm already dad once! Damned if I'm going to be done away with by the likes of you! I am the warrior Saiyan people's prince, Vegeta!! This is bad! Vegeta really is going to get klled for sure this time! Dammit, what are you doing, Goku!? One minute has already gone by, hasn't it? How can this be? It's been one minute... I can't wipe out Buu with only this much Ki! Die, die, die, die! D-Damn it all! I haven't gathered any Ki at all! What's going on!? OpacaDie, die, die! Vegeta! Hey, there! Where are you planning on going? It's obvious, isn't it? I am returning to the Kaioshin Realm. Y-You're what? Unquestionably, between Majin Buu and I, there is too much difference in our powers, and I will be no match for him. However, even I should be able to buy them some time. At this point, even if it's only for one second, we have to buy enough time to let Goku-san gather even more Ki. Right now, Goku-san is our only remaining hope. - Just a minute! - I'm going too! Not you, too! I am not a fighter-type, but even so, I should be of some use! Dende-san... This is a crisis for the whole universe. At a time like this, I can't just sit here doing nothing! Thanks! - Well then, let's go! - Right! Just a moment, now! For the love of... would you settle down for a second? If you boys could go and buy time, I would have long since let you go! You boys must know well enough that this situation is one where we can no longer do anything! I know how you're feeling anxious, but there's nothing we can do any more. The only thing we can do is believe in those two, and watch over them. Knowing those two, I'm sure they'll manage something. Isn't that right? Vegeta! Stay back...! Stay back! Of all the... Who is it you think I'm going through all of this for!? You hurry up and gather your Ki! This is bad! No matter how tough Vegeta is, there ain't no way he can stand up to that! I can't stand it any more! Buu! Yo, yo, yo! I watch on silently, and you get carried away with yourself! Did you think that the world combat sports champion Mr. Satan-sama would quietly overlook your brutality!? I am going to punish you! Prepare yourself! You will soon regret having an opponent you can't deal with! We didn't need this! He should have just quietly stayed in hiding! Thoughts: He's nervous, he's nervous! You're getting a spankie spankie! Yo, yo, yo! What's the matter!? Hurry up and come at me! Or are you afraid of Mr. Satan here? You miserable coward! Thoughts: I-I nailed that! I nailed that so hard, it's a shame this is a dream! Thoughts: He really dares to appear in front of Buu... You want to go!? Thoughts: Mr. Satan really does unpredictable things. Thoughts: Is this man who will save the universe? Thoughts: Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: It didn't look like he was doing something, Thoughts: but Satan has managed to set free the other Buu. Thoughts: What the hell is happening? Thoughts: Until when will you keep waiting, Kakarrot?! Thoughts: It already passed one minute! Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "A Secret Plan Comes Together in a Flash - Please Grant These Two Wishes!" Thoughts: Dad has returned to normal!	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x153 - Invincible! Ultimate Warrior Vegito!\" / \"Invincible! The Ultimate Warrior Vegito"}	foreverdreaming
Opening -Eyecatch- Ending OpacaThoughts: The fierce, final battle between Goku and Majin Buu continued. OpacaThoughts: However, not even Goku's arduous attcks were of any use against Buu. Here I'm wanting to obliterate him, but I have to gather Ki for about a whole minute. All right! I'll keep him in check somehow for one minute. You start gathering Ki immediately! Thoughts: As Goku gathered up his Ki, Vegeta took his place, risking his life to fight Buu. Thoughts: However, even after the necessary one minute had gone by, Thoughts: Goku's Ki had not been stored up. Thoughts: Meanwhile... Yo, yo, yo! I watch on silently, and you get carried away with yourself! Did you think that the world combat sports champion Mr. Satan-sama would quietly overlook your brutality!? We didn't need this! He should have just quietly stayed in hiding! You're getting a spankie spankie! You want to go!? A Secret Plan Comes Together in a Flash - - Please Grant These Two Wishes! E-Even in a dream, this is scary! I-I'm sorry! OpacaI-I didn't mean any harm! I just wanted to show off a little! OpacaI was only playing around, and I couldn't help myself! OpacaSatan dodged Buu's attck! Nice going! I have to give you more credit, Satan! I'm so sorry! W-What is it? What in the world is wrong!? C-Could it be that he's in awe of my resolve? I did it, I did it! I did it! Yo, yo, what's the matter!? Come on, come on! Suffer some more from the power of my resolve! Thoughts: W-Why is this? Thoughts: Why is it that ever since Mister Satan appeared, Buu has been...? Thoughts: Could it really be a result of Mister Satan's resolve? K-Kakarrot! What the hell are you doing!? This is our chance! Gather your Ki now, while you can! Yeah, you got it! B-Buu!! - W-What's this? - W-What's happening here? I-I know! That chubby Majin Buu was friends with Mister Satan! With that Buu inside his body, he was undergoing rejection, and was incapable of attacking Satan! I see, so that's why he spat out from his body, is it? Well, even if that Satan fellow is done in, it won't have much of an impact. H-How could you? He may have a number of character issues, but he is the last survivor of the human race... ... for the time being. Buu! Buu! Hey! Come on! Snap out of it, Buu! Buu... Hey, come on... Buu! B-Buu... And you were such a nice guy, too... How... How awful...! How dare you do this to Buu! You'll pay! You're going to pay!! Why, you...! Brace yourself! I, Mister Satan, will bat you to a pulp! W-What's with this guy? You really want to fight!? I'm warning you, y-you'd better quit! I'm too strong for you! V-Very well! If you want to get hurt that badly, I'll let you have it! Come on! Thoughts: This is my dream, after all... Thoughts: So it's only natural that I'm the one who will win! How's that? Have you learned your lesson? How can this be!? Even in my dream, this still hurts! W-Why, you...! Cut that out! Are you trying to get me really angry!? Do you really want to get hurt that badly? If you're going to apologize, now's the time! W-Well, that's okay! Maybe I'll just let you off. I might have been partly in the wrong as well. What!? B-Buu... I hate you! Don't you pick on Satan! Buu, y-you're alive? How long is this going to take, Kakarrot!? Still not yet!? I-I know! But it's strange... I've gathered up Ki to just about my full power, but the stored-up Ki is starting to decrease! I-It's what!? Kakarrot, enough already! How long will this take!? That fatso isn't going to hold out that long! Aren't you done yet!? Aren't you done gathering up your Ki!? Damn it! Damn it! This ain't... This ain't supposed to be happening! M-My power... My power is dropping off! W-What's this!? T-This can't be...! Buu! T-Thank goodness! That's my Buu! Hang in there! Bust that guy's chops! This is trouble. I can't really win. Looks like this has become the worst of all games. H-Hang in there, Buu! Y-You stupid bastard! You let all that pain I went through go to waste! What will we do now?! S-Sorry, Vegeta... Damn it all! It was never any problem when I was dad... It appears that being Super Saiyan in a living body eats up quite a bit of Ki after all... We've had it. We really have had it. Buu! You bastard! How dare you do that to Buu! Let go! Let go of him! You dirty runt! Come on, let go! You turn into choco!! This is bad. He's going to be done in like that. Kaioshins! Dende! Can you hear me!? You've got to be watching what's happening on that ball, right!? Can you hear me? If you can hear my voice, then answer me! Yeah, we hear you... All right! Now then, go immediately to the restored Planet Namek and scrounge up the Dragonballs! Thoughts: U-Um, how exactly are... Stop nattering and get on with it! Thoughts: We're running out of time! T-The Dragonballs, huh? I'm sure Vegeta-san has some sort of idea! Let's go! Still, those things, you know... This is no time for you to be so particular! How is it wrong to use them for something legitimate? I get it. I get it! Let's go! To Planet Namek! It would seem they've gone. Vegeta, what are you doing? It's still too soon to be using the Dragonballs. Kakarrot, how many times have you saved the Earth up to now? What's this, all of a sudden? I asked you how many times you've saved it! Let's see, how many times has it been? It's time to let the folks on Earth take the responsibility for a change. - So this is Planet Namek? - Y-Yes... It's supposed to be... It is Planet Namek! There's no doubt about it! - H-However, it's... - What do you think, Dende? It's just the way it used to be, even on this planet! - Welcome back! - You've certainly grown up! Y-You guys! It has been so long! Elder-sama, I'm so glad you're looking well! Dende, you're looking good too. And you've become quite Kami-sama-like! N-Not at all! I'm still very inexperienced, and there is much I still have to study. I'm sorry to interrupt your touching reunion, but there isn't a moment to lose. T-That's right! Elder-sama, I have a favor to ask! Would you please gather the Dragonballs right away for me? We need the power of Porunga! The Dragonballs, you say? Has something happened to the Dragonballs? Kaioshin-sama, we know the entire situation. Now, let us hurry! So you've already gathered them? Thank you very much! Thoughts: Vegeta-san... Thoughts: Vegeta-san, can you hear me!? Thoughts: Vegeta-san! Thoughts: All seven Dragonballs have already been gathered! Really? Summon Planet Namek's Porunga immediately! There are two wishes I want granted. First, I want the Earth that has been destroyed returned to the way it was! Next, I want everyone who has died since the day of that Tenkaichi Tournament, except for the really bad ones, to be brought back to life! Those two! R-Right now? Those wishes? Thoughts: That's right! Right now! Thoughts: B-But, isn't that... Dende, it looks like Vegeta has some sort of idea. - Could you just do it? - Y-Yes! Thoughts: So, what about the third wish? After those first two, anything's fine! Do whatever you want! Vegeta, about that second wish... Wouldn't it have been easier to just ask for everyone who had been klled by Buu to be brought back to life? Hmph, idiot! If I'd done that, then even Babidi and Dabura would be brought back to life. Besides, that way, the group that I klled at the tournament grounds would not be returned to life. You sure thought this out, huh? That won't work, Vegeta-san! Come to think of it, Thoughts: with Porunga here, we can only bring people back to life one at a time! W-What!? N-Now that he mentions it, that's right, Vegeta! Thoughts: W-What do we do? Thoughts: We can't bring everyone on Earth back to life like this! Such worries are unnecessary! After the incident with Freeza, I had Porunga's wishes powered-up! Does that mean he can do any number of people!? That's right. T-These guys are making a mess of the natural order of things! Thoughts: Vegeta-san! They said it would be all right! Great. Now, get started! Come forth, Porunga! W-What the...? T-This is... Porunga? So then, you may speak your wishes! I shall grant thee any three wishes. Thoughts: It has appeared Planet Namek's deity, Porunga. Thoughts: Vegeta's plan could be... Thoughts: Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: Well thought, Vegeta. Thoughts: Getting everyone on Earth back to life, we could bat Buu. Thoughts: Listen, Earthlings! Thoughts: You are needed to bat Buu, so raise your hands now! Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "Give Me Energy! We'll Make a Huge Spirit b*mb!!" Thoughts: Vegeta-san, it's all right to ask that favor to everybody like that?	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x154 - The Ace up Buu's Sleeve! The Warriors are Absorbed!!\" / \"Buu's Ace in the Hole! The Warriors Are Absorbed!"}	foreverdreaming
Opening -Eyecatch- Ending OpacaThoughts: The gentle Buu was revived. Aren't you done yet!? Aren't you done gathering up your Ki!? My power is dropping off! Thoughts: But what's this? After storing up his Ki, Thoughts: Goku suddenly returned to normal from being Super Saiyan! Thoughts: Vegeta-san! All seven Dragonballs have already been gathered! Summon Planet Namek's Porunga immediately! So then, you may speak your wishes! I shall grant thee any three wishes. Give Me Energy! We'll Make a Huge Spirit bmb!! OpacaOkay, tell him the wishes! Do you still remember the Namek language? OpacaYes. Porunga! The faraway planet Earth has been destroyed, and has disappeared. Please, if you would, return it back to the way it was! Okay! That is a simple task. E-Earth really has returned back to... We did it! We did it! I have granted your first wish. Now, the next one. You may speak your second wish. Let's see, how should I say this...? Um, please bring back to life everyone who has died since Madoshi Babidi arrived on Earth, leaving out the really bad people. Understood. However, thou must briefly wait. Their numbers are many, and it will be demanding. Right! W-What's this? Is he capable of even this? Why, you runt! Why, you...! Why, you...! Let go! Come on! Come on! Let go, you stupid runt! Satan! This is precarious! Have you noticed, Kakarrot? Yeah. That chubby Buu is beginning to lose power. With them both being Buus, he's taking damage. Aren't you done yet, Dende!? Haven't those wishes been granted yet!? What a pest! Stop squawking at us! Porunga is going to a lot of trouble! Thank you for waiting. Your second wish has been granted. He did it! He's done it! Both the Earth and everyone on it have been brought back to life, Vegeta-san! Is that right? W-What is it you're planning to do? Vegeta, the ring over your head is gone! This sure is great for you! You ain't thought of as being really bad! T-Then, I wasn't klled by Buu? Goodness! What in the world does this mean? What's going on here? I'm certain I was turned into chocolate, and then I was eaten by Majin Buu, and then I went to Heaven...! I get it, Vegeta! You wanted to revive Gohan and Gotenks, so they could fight too, right? Wrong! We're starting! Get ready! Ready? For what? - Get ready to make a Genki Dama! - A Genki Dama? A Genki Dama!? A Genki Dama, you say? Hey, Vegeta, your idea was to use a Genki Dama? That's right. Hang in there, Buu! That's it! To the body! Hook! Uppercut! What's the matter, Buu? If this is my dream, you should definitely be winning! My Buu! Y-You turn into candy! Say, it's impossible, ain't it? With a Genki Dama? Even if I were to gather a little bit of Ki from everyone... I told you, didn't I? Let the folks on Earth take responsibility for a change. Besides, you're not going to get a little from everyone. You're going to push everyone right to their limit! Right to their limit? Vegeta-san! Thoughts: Porunga is telling us to say the third wish! The third one doesn't matter! Do whatever you want! You can't mean... for me to do whatever I want would be... Never mind, listen! Thoughts: Is Kaioshin listening? Y-Yes! I want to talk to all the people on Earth! Do something about it! B-By that, do you mean like the way Madoshi Babidi used magic to do so? That's not something I can do! T-That will be impossible, I'm afraid. W-What!? Thoughts: Leave that to me! Who's that!? T-That voice! It's Kaio-sama, right? You guessed it! Vegeta, for you to choose my Genki Dama as your finishing technique was nice! Okay, talk! Never mind Earth, you can talk to the whole universe! That will help a lot! Do you hear me, people of the world!? Thoughts: I am speaking to you from some other place. Thoughts: I believe you already know, but most of you were klled by Majin Buu. Thoughts: However, through a mysterious power, I had you brought back to life. Thoughts: Your cities and houses should also be returned to just the way they were. Thoughts: However, this is by no means a dream! Not a dream? Hey, what's he talking about? He's talking to everyone on Earth. I knew this was a dream! Hey, you guys! If you've got time for this worthless spacing off, then help Buu out, would you? We know! Just hold on a moment! Right now, in a certain location, there is a warrior who is fighting Majin Buu in your place! Thoughts: However, to be honest, you could say that our odds are pretty bad. It's Vegeta! It's Vegeta's voice! Thoughts: Majin Buu's strength far exceeds that of even Cell's! Vegeta...! Thoughts: And so, we want to make use of your power! Thoughts: Raise your hands to the sky! Thoughts: Gather your energy together and defeat Buu! Thoughts: It will wear you out considerably, but don't worry! Thoughts: It will be just like after you run as hard as you can! Thoughts: Now, do it! Raise your hands! What a lousy approach towards making requests this guy has! All right, Kakarrot! Get started! Right! Not bad, Vegeta! I've got to give you more credit! Everyone! Share your Genki with me! Please! That's it! A Genki Dama! You got it, Papa! Hmph! Vegeta! This stunt isn't like you! Here it comes, here it comes! It's so huge all of a sudden! OpacaThis is from Gohan and the others! OpacaThis is awesome, all right! With just the Ki from them, it's already gotten this huge! Thoughts: That's it! Great! More! More! Thoughts: Come on! More of you, raise your hands! Understood, Vegeta! Here! L-Like this? - Here! - Here! This time it's Kuririn and Bulma and those guys' Ki! Way to go, Vegeta! Thoughts: It's working! It's working! They've done it! Goku-san! Quickly now, finish Buu off! Incredible! To think that a method such as this still remained! Really, what incredible people they are! Thoughts: This is strange! Thoughts: If they're getting power from all of the folks on Earth, Thoughts: then that Super Genki Dama has no business being only that large! From here on... from here on, it will get larger! I'm sure it will! Y-Yeah... Porunga, you're certain that everyone who was wished for has come back to life, right? Of course, I am certain. More importantly, do you not have a third wish yet? T-The Kaioshin Realm! Dammit, no! OpacaDidn't we make it in time? Damn it all! We were so close! Hey! Look... look over there! Buu hasn't had it yet! Geez, don't scare me like that! Vegeta! It hasn't gotten the slightest bit bigger since then! This much probably still ain't enough to defeat Buu yet! Strange... it should have long since been completed! W-Why isn't it? Thoughts: - Hey, he said to raise our hands! - What good will it do to do that? W-W-What's that? Why am I hearing those voices? Thoughts: Who the hell was that? Thoughts: That was some dubious voice! W-What did you say!? Something I don't trust about this, you know? Yeah. Who do they think is going to raise their hands? - That was kind of creepy, huh? - Let's go, let's go! Hey, now, I'm hungry! Oh? I suppose so. How about we go get something to eat? Thoughts: Don't fall for it! Thoughts: It doesn't have anything to do with us! W-What was that!? L-Look here! Shh! Be quiet! Don't fall for it, you say!? It has nothing to do with us, you say!? Damn it to hell!! What sort of rubbish are you talking about! It's your Earth!! How long are you going to act so spoiled before you're finally satisfied!? What's the matter with everyone on Earth? This Genki Dama isn't getting even the least bit more Genki! Oh, my! Buu! B-Buu! I-It's no use any more! Please! Help Buu out! Thoughts: Dammit! I won't ask any more! Hey! Out of my way! Thoughts: Wait! Don't be hasty, Vegeta! Thoughts: You fool! How can you ask like that!? Thoughts: Don't give up, you've got to keep on persuading everyone on Earth! Thoughts: There's no other way for the universe to be saved! Listen, Earthlings! Thoughts: I'm saying this one more time! Stop your whining! All you have to do is raise your hands! This isn't going to work. Too bad, Vegeta. It was a good idea, though. You understand, don't you, that Earthlings are this level of race, after all? W-What are you doing, Vegeta!? Aside from our friends, just about nobody is giving up any Ki, you know! I know! But nobody there believes a damn thing I'm saying! Damn! Hey! Earthlings! Cooperate, right now! Do you want to get klled by Majin Buu again!? Thoughts: This is not a dream, or anything! Thoughts: I am serious! Thoughts: Why don't you lend us your power for a change!? Thoughts: Again and again, the Earthlings utterly refuse to listen to what Vegeta tells them. Thoughts: The Super Genki Dama is the only thing that can dispatch Majin Buu now! Thoughts: Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: The entire universe is in trouble! Thoughts: Why isn't everyone helping us?! Thoughts: Listen, Mr. Satan is talking to you! Thoughts: I need to defeat Buu, so lend me your energy! Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "The Savior of the World is You! Everyone's Spirit bmb is Completed!!" Thoughts: Here it is, here it is, here it is! Spirit bmb is completed!	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x155 - Rescuing Gohan and Company! Goku and Vegeta's Infiltration Mission!\" / \"Rescue Gohan and the Others! Goku and V"}	foreverdreaming
OpacaThoughts: This is the purely evil, absolutely most powerful, ultimate Majin Buu! Do you hear me, people of the world!? Raise your hands to the sky! Thoughts: Vegeta has bet everything on a Super Genki Dama, Thoughts: with the assembled genki of all of Earth's people. However... Something I don't trust about this, you know? Yeah. Who do they think is going to raise their hands? It doesn't have anything to do with us, anyhow. It's your Earth!! How long are you going to act so spoiled before you're finally satisfied!? Listen, Earthlings! Why don't you lend us your power for a change!? Thoughts: Hurry, everyone on Earth! Thoughts: Send your genki to Goku! The Savior of the World is You! Everyone's Spirit bmb is Completed!! OpacaOnly Genki from Goku-san's friends has been gathered until now. OpacaV-Vegeta-san, can't you use a more polite manner in your request? OpacaThat would be asking too much. He's like one big lump of pride, after all. Thoughts: P-Please... W-What was that!? Thoughts: I'm asking you... Please, raise your hands...! Vegeta... ... you're... I-I'm asking you... ... please... ... raise your hands! M-Maybe I should raise them up and see. H-Hey, don't do that! It'll definitely make trouble! Don't do that, I said! I-It couldn't be...! M-My power really was...! T-There, you see!? This is a trap of the devil! Thoughts: E-Everyone, be careful! Thoughts: Sounds like it really will suck out your power! Thoughts: It looks painful! Thoughts: Everyone, be sure you don't raise your hands! Don't be fooled! Thoughts: You fool! Who do you think is going to listen to you!? Thoughts: Say, this isn't that Babidi or whoever guy, right? You dirty bastards! Dammit! This is bad! The chubby one is on the verge of dying! T-This is too awful! Even for a dream, this is going too far! - Buu! - Damn, it's all over! Damn it all, I can't take it any more! What the hell are you doing!? Stop that, you...! I ht him...! N-No, s-s-see... This ain't good! That dirty bastard! He's found us out! Kakarrot! I'll do what I can to buy a little more time! You'll have to convince those idiots on Earth now! Buy time, you say? You just came back to life, and ain't got sufficient Ki yet, do you!? Make fun of me, will you? Vegeta! K-Kakarrot! Hurry...! C-Convince those idiots on Earth...! Everybody on Earth! I beg you! I beg you, share your Genki with me! We need everybody's help! Raise your hands to the sky! Quickly! N-Noble Father, that voice just now...! We finally learn the identity behind these voices! It is Son Goku and friends! They fight for us, against Majin Buu! Thoughts: Everyone, can you hear my voice!? Share your Genki with me! It is indeed Goku-san's voice! Come now, Upa! Hold your hand toward heaven! Right! Come, the rest of you as well, quickly! Goku-san, please make use of our power as well! Geez, what is it with him? From one thing to 'nother, that guy sure does tough it out, huh? Really, I gotta bow my head to him. Y'know, Karin-sama? I see. So that's it, huh? It's been a while since I've heard his voice. - That one from before, you know? - Yeah, that was a pretty good one. Yes, that will do nicely. This is the Ki that I have raised up through all my training. Take it all! We're counting on you, Son Goku! Be sure you defeat Buu! Thoughts: Everybody on Earth! Share more, even more of your Genki with me! It's Son Goku! It's Son Goku! Snow! You're right! That's definitely him all right! That sure takes me back! - What? That's Son Goku? - Yeah, from back then! Thoughts: Now, hurry! Hurry and raise your hands to the sky! Hey, the voice on this guy sounds like he's trustworthy. Don't be fooled by the voice! - It's definitely one of Buu's cronies! - He's right! It's too suspicious! They haven't been making their identities clear to us! If we do as that voice says, then something awful is going to happen to us! It's no use! It just got a little bit bigger from that! Vegeta! Don't you have it backward, there? The one who's going to defeat you... ... is going to be me! Hurry! Hurry and give me your Genki! Why!? Why doesn't anyone understand? This can't be! Most of the people on Earth aren't sharing their Genki! They've already been hammered by Babidi and Buu. Seeing it from the Earthling's side, it's only natural they can't trust anyone. All right, let's go into the city too! We'll all split up, and go around convincing the city's people. Right now, that's the only thing we can do for Goku and Vegeta. Understood. Let's go right away! Everyone! Please, raise your hands toward the sky! Please! Raise your hands toward the sky! If we don't then something terrible will happen to the Earth again! Please! Please! Please! Mister! This isn't the time to be doing that! The Earth is in trouble! Look, enough! You sure are some annoyin' brats! - Stop gettin' in my way! - Everyone, raise your hands! Look to the sky and raise your hands! Here! I'll give you these, so go off playin' somewhere else! We got these! He's here! A monster! We're going to be klled! Hey! Hurry it up, everybody! Don't you care what happens to Earth, and the rest of the universe, you stupid bastards!? What was that? Stupid bastards? That's a pretty insolent attitude from someone asking for something! Thoughts: Just ignore them. Ignore them. Thoughts: It could be that the whole Majin Buu thing never really happened, couldn't it? Thoughts: That's right! It's entirely possible we've all been hypnotized as a group! Thoughts: That's it, that's it! Oh, well... W-Why, you all...!! That's enough out of you all! Why don't you cooperate, already!? Does this mean you will also not listen to the request from me, Mr. Satan-sama? It's Satan! Say, that was Mr. Satan's voice just now, Mama! Mr. Satan? Satan? Hey, that sure was Mr. Satan's voice! What does that mean? Thoughts: - That's really Satan! - It was his voice! Thoughts: Could it be that the one fighting Majin Buu Thoughts: is Mr. Satan, then? Thoughts: I'm sure it is! It has to be! Thoughts: It's our hero, Satan! T-That's right! I wanted to keep it quiet, but it's no use, now that the secret is out! I will defeat Majin Buu for us. So could you folks quickly lend me your power!? W-Well, we've got no choice, right? Unless I say it like that, they won't trust us, after all. Besides, our first priority is to defeat Buu there, you know. I knew it! I knew it! It's him! That voice was Mr. Satan! - Satan! Satan! - Satan! Satan! Here it comes, here it comes! I'm beaten. You've got me beaten, Mr. Satan! All right! That's it! Go! Go! Go on! Go on! Just a little bit more until there's a full tnk! Hold out just a bit longer, Vegeta! Hey! It's still not enough! Is there anyone who hasn't raised their hand yet!? I-It's no use...! It's done! This is pretty amazing! Get back, Vegeta! Here it goes!! Vegeta! Get out of the way, quickly! Would you shut up!? I can't move my body! You what!? Give it all you got, and somehow get away from there, Vegeta! You'll be caught in the blast! S-Stupid bastard! D-Don't worry about me! Hurry up and get him, dammit! Damn you! V-Vegeta-san! He can't throw the Genki Dama like this! G-Goku-san! It's that softness that will cost you your lives! Buu! Give it to them, now! Kakarrot! If you are one of the fighting Saiyan people, then do not hesitate! Yeah, but...! K-Kakarrot! Vegeta! Dammit! Buu...! Buu! Buu! Are you all right!? Buu! Buu... Buu... What on earth...? No! Goku! If you get finished off, then that Genki Dama you worked so hard for means nothing! Give it to him, Goku! Give it to him! D-Damn it all! It's no use! Vegeta, I'm sorry! Satan! S-So that's it! All right! I'm sorry, Buu! Damn it, man, do it!! Put him away now!! Nice work, Satan! You really could be the world's... ... savior!! Burn in hell! Go!! W-What!? Dammit! Go, go!! Thoughts: Thanks to Mr. Satan intervention, the Super Genki Dama is completed. Thoughts: Now, Goku, bring peace back to Earth! Thoughts: Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: Damn. Just a little more, but I got no energy left. Thoughts: Buu is going to push back the Genki Dama. Thoughts: Dende, use Porunga. Thoughts: Use the third wish to recover Goku's energy. Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "Son Goku is the Strongest After All!! Majin Buu is Annihilated" Thoughts: Dad's energy has returned. Thoughts: This long battle is finally over.	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x156 - Emergency Escape from Inside the Body! Buu's Reverse-Transformation is the Worst!!\" / \"Emergency Escape from th"}	foreverdreaming
Everybody on Earth! I beg you! I beg you, share your Genki with me! OpacaThoughts: Hearing Goku's cry, his dear friends from the past OpacaThoughts: raised their hands one after another! Thoughts: And then, as a result of Mr. Satan's actions, Thoughts: the genki of the whole earth amazingly became as one! Thoughts: At last, the Super Genki Dama was complete! Thoughts: The long battle with Majin Buu was at last facing its final phase! Son Goku is the Strongest After All!! Majin Buu is Annihilated OpacaThoughts: Do you hear me, Gohan? OpacaThoughts: Yes, Piccolo-san. Do you feel it? OpacaThoughts: There's an incredible collision of Ki happening! It's Buu and Father! Thoughts: Yeah. Apparently, they're fighting in the Kaioshin Realm. Thoughts: In that holy region? So that's it. Thoughts: If it's the Kaioshin Realm, then unless Kibito-san were here, we can't go to their aid. Thoughts: For now, let's go to the Heavenly Realm. Thoughts: We should be able to feel Goku and the others' Ki more strongly there! Thoughts: Right! Thoughts: Hey, squirts! You guys come too! Hurry! D-Dammit! This ain't just my power here! This is the genki of all Earthlings! That's why there ain't no way... no way I can allow us to lose!! Piccolo! Gohan! Gohan-kun... You dummy, you dummy! I was so worried about you! U-Um, you don't need to cry so hard... W-What's this!? Are you leavin' me, your own Ma out!? You're my Gohan! Now, now, it's all right, isn't it? It'd look bad if he had a mother complex. Trunks! Goten! Thoughts: This is strange... Goku's Ki is getting weaker than it was earlier. What the hell is taking you so long, Kakarrot!? Damn! I can't muster enough power! Dammit! Damn it all! We were so close! S-So that's it. We miscalculated! There's not enough strength left in Kakarrot, which is so critical in throwing the Genki Dama! Dammit...! T-This is bad! I wonder if that Genki Dama thing is still lacking a little bit of power. T-That can't be! W-We've already used up all of our Ki! J-Just how tough is this guy... Buu? H-Hang in there, Son Goku! That Genki Dama has power from the Other World in there too, you know! Dende! Do something! Raise Kakarrot's strength! Kaioshin-sama, please take me to where Goku-san is! I-I'm sorry, I used up all my strength just now. Until I recover it, I cannot instantaneously move. I-It can't be! Thoughts: I'm sorry, Vegeta-san! Our power is gone as well, Thoughts: and we cannot come there! Then it's all or nothing! Hey, Satan! Gather the genki from those guys on Earth one more time! Raise the power of the Genki Dama, and squash that Buu bastard! Make it fast! Wait, Vegeta! You can't do that! Thoughts: Everyone has yet to recover their strength! Thoughts: If you suck out their genki again, everyone will die! Are you trying to kll all the Earthlings you brought back to life again? You shut up, Kaio! If we lose to Buu like this now, they can't remain alive anyhow! Now, do it! Power-up the Genki Dama! Hurry it up! There's no time! It's no use! I can't muster the power! Understood. I will call out to everyone again. Stop, Mr. Satan! Provided that this was all my... ... all in my dream. What? However, this is no dream! I can't believe it, but this is reality! I'm sorry, but I cannot do anything that would allow the people of Earth to die! Hey! Listen to me well! We can just bring back to life those who die again with the Dragon Balls! Besides, we still have our third wish left, and so...! That's it! Dende! The third wish! T-That's right! Hey! How long will you keep me waiting? Do you still not have a third wish? In that case, if you would allow me to disappear... W-Wait! Porunga-san! C-Can you raise the strength of the person named Son Goku, who is now fighting Majin Buu in the Kaioshin Realm, back to normal? If all I must do is return that person's level of strength to its usual level, then it is possible. Thank goodness! D-Do that right away, if you please! Okay! I-I-It's no use! Thoughts: Goku-san! Thoughts: With the third wish, your strength should be returning to normal! It's back! It's back!! Thank you, Dragon Balls! He did it! Very, very nice! Way to go! Father's Ki...! It suddenly swelled up! It's over... You are awesome! You fought well, all by yourself! You changed forms so many times... ... so much so that I was finally getting tired of it. This time, get reborn as a good guy! I want to fight you, one-on-one. I'll be waiting for you! And I will have gotten much, much better! See you later! Goku-san! Kakarrot! Father! Goku! - Go!! - Go!! It's over... Took you long enough... Thoughts: At last, Majin Buu has disappeared. Thoughts: He has been completely vaporized, with literally no cells remaining. OpacaThey did it! Allright, Son Goku! What do you think? Apparently, it went well. Majin Buu's Ki has completely disappeared. They did it! - They did it! - They did it! Father...! D-Did you get him? M-Majin Buu? You got him, huh? People of Earth! Do you hear me? It's the combat sport world champion, Mr. Satan! With you people's cooperation, the dreadful Majin Buu has just now died! Thoughts: You can relax! You have been released from terror! - Satan, you really are Number One! - Way to go! You're our hero, Mr. Satan! - Satan! - Satan! Enough already, Papa! In any case, they did it! Just what you'd expect from Goku and Vegeta! Vegeta! I love you! So you're safe too, then? Goku-san! Even this heavy-duty Kaioshin Realm, it seems, was quite ravaged. Dende, go heal Vegeta's injuries first. He's especially worn out. Right. Do you get it? We're saved! What is it? Hey! Where are you going? Thank you! B-Buu! What!? OpacaHe's still alive! Please, heal him! You can heal him, right? With that mysterious power? Don't be ridiculous! You have to be joking! Move! I'm going to finish him off! S-Stop! Please stop! H-He's not all that bad a guy! He was just ordered around by bad people, that's why he did what he did! Why, you... Don't you get it!? What do you intend to do if he gives rise to that devastating Buu again!? W-Well, in that case... Next time for sure, the world will probably come to an end! klling him now while we can is for the best! You got that, idiot!? What made him become evil was when that idiotic guy klled this dog! P-Please! I beg you! I will take responsibility for him, and keep him under my protection at my home! Protection!? Don't make me laugh! With your power, what the hell can you do!? Get out of the way, now! Or do you want to die with him!? W-Why, you...! Dende, heal Buu for me, would you? What did you say!? Are you out of your mind? It's all right, ain't it Vegeta? Both this Buu and Mr. Satan did well by us. If these two hadn't been here, we would have all had it. Right? Besides that, if the worst happens, we can just fight him again. Let's train so that one-on-one, we won't lose to him next time! B-But, it will be awkward to have him living together with you on Earth. The Earthlings all have the terror of Buu brned into their memories. Oh, well, if Buu can put up with not going out for about half a year, the Dragon Balls will be re-activated, and if we ask Shenron, we can have him erase all memories of Buu from everybody on Earth! My, my, not the Dragon Balls again. Well, that's the deal, Vegeta. Do what you want! Whatever happens is no concern of mine! T-Thank you! Really, thank you! Okay, Dende, if you would. Right! So, once Buu is better, let's all go back to Earth together! Once I've eaten all I can, I want to get plenty of sleep! Thoughts: And so, Goku and the others finally returned to Earth. - Farewell! - Goodbye! Everyone! Thoughts: And then, they enjoyed a wistful reunion with their families and friends. Videl! What a relief! Thoughts: Of course, there was one among them who was not welcomed. You'll have to excuse me for being away for so long, everybody. I received the Grand Kaio-sama's life, so I've come back to life. D-Does that mean... you can live together with us? With Gohan and Goten, a family of four? Yeah! I want to hurry and go back to Mt. Paozu, Chichi, and chow down on some of your home cooking! Thoughts: And then, a half-year later... Thoughts: As Goku promised, using the power of a revived Shenron, Thoughts: people's memories of Buu were erased. This is what's it's like to have a family. Fusion! Now it's my turn! You fool! That's dirty, using Fusion! All right, then...! Just a minute! How 'bout now? See here, now! What are you doin', all in the raw!? Thoughts: The Earth has been saved. Thoughts: Goku and the others enjoyed to the fullest the peaceful days which had come once again. What vulgar folks! Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "And So, After Years... The First Tenkaichi Budokai in a Long Time!" Thoughts: Father's Ki has never waned. Thoughts: Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: After years, a new series is about to begin! Thoughts: "Dragon Ball Super" premiere in July! OpacaThoughts: Guys! Now we will have new battles! OpacaThoughts: Be sure to watch!	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x157 - Earth Disappears!! The Original Buu's Single Cruel Blast!!\" / \"Earth Destroyed! The Initial Buu's Nefarious Str"}	foreverdreaming
Thoughts: People had their memories of Buu wiped out. Thoughts: Mr. Satan was proclaimed the savior of Earth years ago... Sheesh, this is no use. Going like this just feels too sluggish. All right... Let's go! "And So, After Years..." "The First Tenkaichi Budokai in a Long Time!" OpacaExcuse me! Trunks! How nice of you to come! It's been a while, hasn't it? Good day, Chichi-san! Um, is Goten here? Goten? He left with Goku-sa early this morning. I know! Gohan probably knows where they went. Is that right? Well, I'll go try asking Gohan-san. Thank you very much! Good day! Um, excuse me...? Thoughts: Next, let's take a look at the weather situation for the Paozu area. Thoughts: The atmospheric depression that brought some rain with it last night... Yo! Welcome! It's a pleasure, Gohan-san. I can't break away right now. Could you take these for me for a second? Ah, yes! You know, there's nothing but difficult-looking books here. I have to put together the materials I'm going to use at the next academic meeting. Oh, set them down on that table there. Right! Gohan-san, you've completely become a scholar, huh? I suppose. Pan! Go clean up your room! Pan! Oh, welcome, Trunks-kun! Videl-san, sorry to intrude. Really, that Pan just leaves her room so messy...! Thoughts: Come, brave warriors! Thoughts: This is the world combat sports super champion, Mr. Satan! Thoughts: I will accept challenges from anyone! Thoughts: I'll be waiting for you on the grounds of this year's Tenkaichi Tournament! Thoughts: The Tenkaichi Tournament starts tomorrow! Really, I declare... I don't know what to do with Papa. He's all right, isn't he? After all, Satan-san magnificently saved the earth, and is everyone's hero. You could say he saved us, but using the Dragonballs, everyone's memories have been erased. Nobody remembers what it was that Papa saved the earth from. More importantly, Trunks, didn't you need something? Oh, right, right. Do you know where Goten is? Goten is on the mountain out back training with Dad and the others. Vegeta-san and Bulma-san are there too. Papa and them are here too? Good grief, would you look at this father and son? Geez, you're not showing any mercy, Father! It's been a while, Bulma, Vegeta! It hasn't been just a while! I mean, really! If we were to leave you alone, you'd never come to see us, would you? You've been that way since long ago. That ain't so! We just saw you a mere five years ago, didn't we? That's five years! Five years! Everyone else got together, but you said you had to train, - and couldn't come, right? - T-That's true, but... W-What!? You've become a total auntie, huh? Hush, you! Even looking like this, people often say "Ma'am, you're so young!" You Saiyans are monsters for never changing at all! We Saiyans are a warrior race. As such, our youthful period lasts longer, so that we can fight. Maybe next chance, I'll ask Shenron to make me young again. By the way, Kakarrot, when you say you're entering the Tenkaichi Tournament tomorrow, are you serious? Yeah, I'm going, I'm going. I decided today. Vegeta, you enter too! Why? Why, all of a sudden, have you decided to enter this tournament in particular? Because there's going to be someone else that appears to be strong entering too. I've been interested in him for a long time, and this morning, he arrived at the tournament grounds. What's this? I don't feel any Ki that's all that strong. That's because he's got his Ki completely reigned in. But I can more or less tell. This guy is definitely strong! You're kidding, right? There's no way this guy could be. - Is he an alien? - No, he's an Earthling. An Earthling? You're not going to tell me he's an Artificial Human or something, right? He's an ordinary human. What was that? Such a thing isn't possible! How can there be a human who can put up a decent fight against you guys? Trunks-kun! Yo! Oh, you've come too? What's this, Goten? Looks like you're training, huh? Are you planning on entering the tournament too? Father told me to enter. I told him I don't want to, but he's forcing me. I'd made a date for tomorrow, too. Hey, stop complaining. You can have a date anytime, can't you? We're both put upon by how weak our children are becoming, huh? It's true! Well, that just goes to show how peaceful things are. Back already, huh? My, it's Pan-chan! Grandpa, I flew around the Earth! All right! Terrific! That was pretty quick, huh? I'm all ready for tomorrow now, right? T-Tomorrow? Pan-chan, you're not by any chance thinking of entering the tournament, are you? Yeah, that's right. But as I remember, the children's division is gone from the tournament these days, right? Are you thinking of matching up together with the adults? Well, she probably can't win, but she's sure to get up to someplace good! Right now, the one with the most guts in our house is Pan here. This sounds like it will be fun. Maybe I will enter. Hey, Trunks, you enter too. That's an order. Unless you want your allowance cut in half, that is. Nice going, nice going! It sure is terribly bustlin' here. It's not so much a tournament as it is a festival, huh? Oh, they're here, they're here! Yo, everyone! You're all looking good! Don't "you're looking good" us, Goku! Training is fine and all, but at least contact us every once in a while! I haven't heard so much as a peep from you. Sorry, sorry! Actually, Bulma yelled at me about that same thing yesterday. You're the same as ever, huh, Son? Piccolo, aren't you entering? There's no way I could fight against you any more. Today, I wanted to have a look at just how strong you guys have gotten. Well, see you later, then. We'll be in the stands! You know, it's rare for there to be a grandfather for which the word "grandfather" seems so out of place. Let's go with the same strategy this time, as always. Buu-san, you'll become the Challenger Champion, and fight against me, the Super Champion, but end up losing. And as is the custom, please be sure to hold back all of your power when fighting the other challengers. If you're too strong, there won't be any more challengers next time, after all! I know, I know. What now, more of my fans? And I told them not to let anyone in. Yo. Oh! Well if it isn't Goku-san! Good day, Grandpa. And my cute little Pan-chan, too! Have you been well? Your whiskers hurt! Did you come just to cheer your grandpa on? I'm going to enter the matches too. It shouldn't be surprising, but everyone passed the preliminaries. It's been a while! What's this!? Don't worry! If one of us wins through, we'll let you have the victory. Really!? You really will, right? Y-Yeah... However, somebody besides us or Buu may win, too. Not again, not again! There's no way that something like that could happen, is there? Say, Satan-san, everyone else has come to the stadium, but there aren't any seats left, so they said they wanted you to do something. Is that right, is that right? Something like that is an easy matter to handle! Just leave that to me! OpacaThoughts: W-What is this...? OpacaThoughts: Hold on, is he serious? Thoughts: Sure enough, we'll be able to see well enough from here, Thoughts: but we're not on display! If I'd known it was going to be like this, I would have entered. Geez, Papa... This is embarrassing. They've got to be kidding, putting us here. Let's have them move us! Um, I'll go ask my Papa. Mama, this is a good view! Indeed! Well, they had a nice place like this all along, didn't they? Thank goodness! I was worried what was going to happen. Somebody is coming out! Okay then, we will now hold the drawing to determine the pairings for the matches! Ladies and gentleman, please greet them with applause! This is everyone who admirably managed to pass the preliminaries, and have advanced into the finals! Long ago, when we fought here, I was the one that won, huh? I won't lose this time! - It's Buu-sama! - Buu-sama! Buu-sama! Buu's gotten popular, having participated every single time. Now then, sorry to keep you waiting! We would now like to begin the drawings to determine the matches for the Tenkaichi Tournament! Ladies and gentlemen, as I believe you already know, these matches are carried out tournament-style. The pairings for the tournament are impartially decided by this lottery. Further, the one contestant that wins their way through the tournament... ... will compete for victory against the Super Champion, Mr. Satan! Hey, is that incredible guy that Goku-san was talking about really among us? Beats me. Well, there sure are some weird bastards, anyhow. Tell me, Kakarrot, which one is he? You'll see. So then, contestants, when I call your name, please draw your number! Let's see, first up is Son Goten-san! Right! This way, if you please! Buu... Can you be sneaky and change the numbers with your magic for me? When Mr. Satan was still drawing numbers, he asked you to cheat for him, right? Now I'm asking. I get it. Fine. What is it you're planning? What are you thinking? Sorry, but no matter what, I want to fight with him. Both him and me, in the first round, while we're both at percent strength. Here. Number ! Son Goten-san is number ! Let's see, next comes Mo Kekko-san. A pretty strong-looking guy has come forward, huh? That guy is all looks. There's no substance to him. That may be so from where you're looking, I suppose. OpacaWhy didn't you enter, Kuririn? OpacaYou knew that there was going to be this level of guys here from the start, didn't you? OpacaIf you had finished, we could have gotten some prize money. OpacaDon't be crazy! Never mind the others, with Goku and them as my opponents, there's no way I could win, is there? I won, ten years ago. I did let Mr. Satan have the victory, though. But that was because of the commotion around Buu, when Goku and the others dropped out. You really don't have any guts, huh? Mama, next is Pan-chan's turn! Which one should I choose? Hey, is it still okay not to use any magic? Mm-hmm, it's still all right. Let's see, this one! Right! Number one! Contestant Pan is number one! Oh! Pan-chan is number one, huh? Which means, her opponent is... Mo Kekko W-What's this!? Of all people, it's that ferocious guy!? Number one, number one, number one... Okay, next is Son Goku-san! If you would...! I've been waiting for this! Thoughts: Which one is open...? All right! Buu number three, please! Gotcha. Yo! It has been some time. Son-san, we've missed you in the tournaments that you haven't been here for. Right, Son Goku-san is number three! Let's see, next comes Kirano-san! Right. Give him... let's see... let him have number six. Gotcha. What? He's not the one? Number six! Kirano-san is number six! Okay, now then, Uub-kun! Right! Buu, number four! Give that boy number four! After this, you don't need to cheat any more. Okey-dokey. W-What, now? Don't tell me... it's that kid!? Yeah, it's him. While training alone, I've been waiting a long time for that boy to enter the tournament. I'm not understanding this at all. Talk to me, already! Ten years ago, when that unbelievably evil Buu died, I asked for a favor. I asked that he be reincarnated as a good guy this time, so that we could go one-on-one. Apparently, Old Man King Yamma heard me, and took it under consideration. Y-You're telling me that kid there is his reincarnation!? Mm-hmm, no doubt about it. For some reason, I can tell. Even his name, see? It's "Uub," right? If you read that backwards, it's "Buu," ain't it? Right? That's a strange coincidence, huh? Thoughts: M-Maybe Mom was right after all. Thoughts: Even if I am the strongest in the village, the world is a big place. Thoughts: There's sure to be lots of people who are stronger than me. Thoughts: W-What should I do? Thoughts: I promised everyone that I would use the prize money to buy lots of things to eat, Thoughts: and bring them back. Thoughts: Son Goku-san, huh? The pairings for the first round have been decided! In the first match, Contestant Pan versus Contestant Mo Kekko. In the second match, Contestant Son Goku versus Contestant Uub. In the third match, Contestant Captain Chicken versus Contestant Kirano. In the fourth match, Contestant Mr. Buu versus Contestant Son Goten. In the fifth match, Contestant Trunks versus Contestant Otokosuki. And in the sixth match, Contestant Knock versus Contestant Vegeta! The matches will begin right away, so when your names are called, please come to the ring. Until then, you are free to rest or begin warming up. Very well then, we'll see you afterwards. That's not fair, having to go against Buu-san in the first round! You're lucky at lottery, huh, Goten? You're only in trouble because you're always skipping your training. I'm the one who should be upset! I've got this kid for an opponent! I didn't come here to play around in some nursery school, you little turd! How did someone like her get through the preliminaries? Go home and suck your mama's milk now, while you still can! Thank goodness! You're just what I like in an opponent! I'll be sure to give it to let you have it as hard as I can! Trunks-kun, you're lucky at lotteries too, huh? Hey, pops. Hey, you! I'm talking to you! What are you ignoring me for, you old piece of crap! I was just going to pay my respects as your opponent in the match. Die! Someone tell them that somebody has dropped out. Geez, Vegeta, for the love of...! Papa is strong! Thoughts: The reincarnation of Majin Buu, Uub, has appeared?! Thoughts: Then, let the Tenkaichi Budokai begin! Thoughts: Next time on Dragon Ball Kai: Thoughts: "Even Stronger! Goku's Dream Never Ends!!" Thoughts: Father, you're truly happy! Thoughts: Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: After years, a new series is about to begin! Thoughts: "Dragon Ball Super" premiere in July! OpacaThoughts: Guys! Now we will have new battles! OpacaThoughts: Be sure to watch!	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x158 - Final Decisive Battle! A Conclusion in the Realm of the Kais!!\" / \"A Final Showdown at the Summit! Face-Off in"}	foreverdreaming
OpacaLadies and gentlemen, we're terribly sorry for the delay! OpacaWe now at last begin the final competition for the Tenkaichi Tournament! Of the participants in this tournament, we have selected the finest twelve to fight for the prize money, and for the right to challenge the champion! Once again, the prize money is being sponsored by Mr. Satan! Hang tough, okay? Your Papa and Mama will be cheering for you from the second floor. Don't get nervous. Relax, relax. Now then, right off, let's begin the first match! Okay, come back soon! I'll be right back! "Even Stronger!" "Goku's Dream Never Ends!!" OpacaThe first match is between Contestant Pan and Contestant Mo Kekko! OpacaContestant Pan is a gifted little girl, who is only four years old! OpacaHowever, as if that weren't enough, amazingly... ... she is also Mr. Satan's granddaughter! She faces Contestant Mo Kekko, who was unfortunate enough to be defeated by Contestant Mister Buu in the semifinals at the last tournament. He is a powerful contender, standing two meters, centimeters! How cute! Good luck! Don't you pick on her, Mo! Thoughts: She's Satan's granddaughter, then? E-Even so, that doesn't change the fact that this is making a laughingstock of me! Damn it all! Still, how did that little squirt get through the preliminaries? Even if she is Mr. Satan's granddaughter... Beats me. Well, she could have cheated her way though, right? Thoughts: I hope you're all right, Pan-chan. Pan-chan is coming out! Pan! Don't go too far out there! Don't make him suffer! Very well then, please begin! Thoughts: What choice do I have? I'll toss her out. She did it! Well, he's all right! Contestant Mo is still breathing! He is not dad, so Contestant Pan wins the first match! Way to go, Pan-chan! A-Are you okay, Pan-chan!? You're not hurt? Mm-mm, I'm all right! There's no reason she shouldn't be, right? That was really something to see, Pan. We're next, huh? Let's give it our best! R-Right! Please accept my regards! Now then, the second match will be between Contestant Son Goku and Contestant Uub! Contestant Son Goku has previously appeared in the tournament several times, as a martial artist of super ability, he even has the experience of being victorious once! I personally expect his abilities to place him among the top class of contestants in this tournament! I anticipate a white-hot match between him and Mr. Satan's number-one pupil, Mr. Buu! Facing him is Contestant Uub, a young boy who has come all the way from his village on South Island! The oldest of five, he is a hard worker, who often looks after his younger brothers and sisters! He absolutely wants the prize money, and has bravely gone ahead to enter this time around. Oh, I feel so sorry for him. For him to have come all this way, just to have Son-kun be his opponent... This will be the fight of greatest notice this time around. Indeed it will. So then, please begin the match! Don't be so nervous! You can't put out what you're capable of like that! R-Right! This isn't going to work. Thoughts: It's no use. If it comes to that... Hey there, you! Come at me! You little hick! Earlier, you were pretending in front of everyone to be a good little boy, but you're really an incredible brat, ain't you? And I... let's see... I hate you! I'm going to knock you flying! Or would you rather, um, get klled, and go back home as a pile of bones!? Let's see, let's see... Your mommy's belly-button sticks out! M-My mommy's belly-button does not stick out! Well then, she's just a pile of poo! She's a pile of poo! What are they up to? All they're doing is talking out there. Search me. Thoughts: All right, now for the final blow! Your daddy is a pile of poo, too! Neither my father... ... or my mother... ... are piles of poo!! I'm starting to get excited...! There's no doubt about it! You're the reincarnation of that evil Buu! Come on, come on, what's the matter? Thoughts: I can't lose! I absolutely cannot lose! Thoughts: I made a promise to Father and Mother that I would win the tournament, Thoughts: and bring back the prize money for sure. Ain't you coming? In that case, I'm going to go at you! Thoughts: Impressive... Little by little, he's catching up to my speed! I can't believe it. That kid is learning how to fight while he is fighting! What? You're kidding, right!? W-What is with that boy!? U-Unbelievable... To think that he's fightin' on equal terms with Goku-sa... Can it be that the incredible guy Son-kun mentioned is this boy? Nice going! Nice going, kid! Go! Go! Sure enough! It would seem to be just as Goku said. He apparently is the reincarnation of Buu. Yeah, that's the only thing that I can figure. They're even! They are even! Both Contestant Son and Contestant Uub are not retreating one step! Contestant Uub has incredible power! Even with his small body, he is easily tossing Contestant Son about! This is for what you said earlier! - Grandpa! - Look out! Grandpa, hang in there! Son-kun...! Father...! Goku-sa! Oh, dear! Is Contestant Son down? Awesome, kid! How awesome! You really got me that time. Alrighty! Come on! I'm not about to lose... I made a promise... I'm not about to lose... I'm not about to lose...! I'm not about to lose... I'm not about to lose... I'm not about to lose! It can't be! T-That's impossible! Y-You're floating! Father! That's right, you still haven't learned how to fly through the air yet, huh? That's only normal, since you haven't had a teacher, and you probably never even thought about it. I'm sorry about saying those bad things earlier. Forgive me, okay? I wanted to know what you were capable of. If I hadn't done so, it didn't seem like you would have gotten serious with me. Just as I expected, you are who I thought you would be. You're impressive! Awesome! But you ain't accustomed to using your power. This is the first time you've ever fought like this, huh? Let's see, now... All right, I've decided. I'll go live together with you at your place from now on, and teach you how to fight. Once I do that, you'll become much, much stronger. That's okay, right? S-Stronger? B- but... What's wrong? Our family is poor, and all. That's impossible. That's why I insisted on coming here, for the prize money. No problem, no problem. Don't worry about money. I'll get some from Mr. Satan. He makes quite a bit from being a hero, after all. B-But... There's no reason to be so reserved. Besides... From now on, if the time comes when there's some emergency, you're the only one who will be there to protect the peace! Wait there a second! Father! OpacaGuess what, I'm going to go live together with him at his place so that I can train him. Opaca- G-Goku-sa! - Son-kun! I don't know how many years it will take, but I'll come home every once in a while. Look after things for me, okay? Um, Father, why in the world...? See ya! Father! Goku-sa! Father... Goku-san... Grandpa! Grandpa! What's the matter, Pan? Is it true? What you just said, is it true? Yep! No! Not being able to see you, Grandpa... I don't... I don't want that! Hey, hey, hey, Pan. It ain't like we'll never see each other again. I said I would come home once in a while, right? Really? Yeah, I promise! So don't cry. All right, that's a good girl. Don't you guys skip out on your training, either, now! Just like with him, the peace of the Earth from now on rests on your shoulders, after all. Right! I'm going to train too! And I'm going to get a lot stronger, just like you, Grandpa! All right, that's the spirit! Now, then... Sorry about this, Vegeta. And after I talked you into coming all the way out here... Hmph. In puny matches such as these, neither you or I, or that Uub kid there, could go at it to the best of our abilities, anyhow. Ain't that the truth! See ya! Well, let's go! Hop on my back! R-Right... L-Like this? Your house was on an island to the south, right? Yes. Hold on to me tight! Right! All right! Here we go! C-Contestant Son!? Contestant Uub!? What are we supposed to do about the matches!? - He's gone! - W-What's going on? Default on Top: Granpa, bye-bye! - He's not serious... - He can't be... Training, he says? What does that mean? He's gone! What in the world was Son-kun thinking!? Really, he's always done whatever he pleased! It's been a long time since I've seen Goku as happy as that. You're right. - Hey, what's going on? - Beats me, I don't know what's up. Kakarrot, I can understand your reasons. You're not training that kid, the reincarnation of Buu, just for the sake of keeping peace. So, Uub... Y-Yes? Once your training is complete, let's you and I have a proper match against each other again, okay? Okay. To tell you the truth, that's what my biggest goal is! Ain't you excited, Uub!? To be able to come across someone so incredibly strong!? Yes! Sure you are! All right! Let's go get stronger! Yes! No, no! You say " Ohh!" Ohh! One more time! Let's go get stronger! Ohh!! Thoughts: Son Goku, the warrior who has continually fought and overcome limits Thoughts: in order to keep the peace on Earth, as well as the universe, Thoughts: now makes his departure. Thoughts: Come back soon, Goku! Thoughts: Everyone is waiting for your return! Thoughts: Hi! I'm Goku! Thoughts: After years, a new series is about to begin! Thoughts: It's been a long time since the battle against Majin Buu, Thoughts: and now some strong guys appeared! Thoughts: The Gods of Destruction, Beerus and Champa. Thoughts: Well, they are gods somehow... Thoughts: So I'll fight against Beerus or anyone else with everything I got! Thoughts: Then I will become much stronger! OpacaThoughts: The broadcast of "Dragon Ball Super" begins soon! OpacaThoughts: Be sure to watch!	{"type": "series", "show": "Dragon Ball Z Kai", "episode": "07x159 - Do Your Best, Kakarot! You Are No. 1!!\" / \"Hang In There, Kakarot! You Are No. 1"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane. Transcribed by guineapig. SCENE 1: CENTRAL PERK. (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND ROSS) MONICA: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with! JOEY: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him! CHANDLER: So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? PHOEBE: Wait, does he eat chalk? (THE OTHERS STARE, BEMUSED) PHOEBE: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh! MONICA: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. CHANDLER: Sounds like a date to me. (CUT TO SAME SET) CHANDLER: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realise I am totally naked. ALL: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. CHANDLER: Then I look down, and I realise there's a phone... there. JOEY: Instead of...? CHANDLER: That's right. JOEY: Never had that dream. PHOEBE: No. CHANDLER: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. And it turns out it's my mother, which is very weird, because- she never calls me! (CUT TO SAME SET. ROSS HAS NOW ENTERED) ROSS: (MORTIFIED) Hi. JOEY: This guy says hello, I wanna kll myself. MONICA: Are you okay, sweetie? ROSS: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck... CHANDLER: Cookie? MONICA: (EXPLAINING TO THE OTHERS) Carol moved her stuff out today. (TO ROSS) Let me get you some coffee. PHOEBE: Ooh! Oh! (STARTS TO PLUCK AT THE AIR JUST IN FRONT OF ROSS) ROSS: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. MONICA: No you don't. ROSS: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! JOEY: And you never knew she was a lesbian... ROSS: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? CHANDLER: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (THE OTHERS STARE AT HIM) Did I say that out loud? JOEY: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? (ROSS GESTURES HIS CONSENT) JOEY: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones! ROSS: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again! (ENTER RACHEL IN A WET WEDDING DRESS. SHE STARTS TO SEARCH AROUND THE ROOM) CHANDLER: And I just want a million dollars! (EXTENDS HIS HAND HOPEFULLY) MONICA: Rachel?! RACHEL: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! WAITRESS: Can I get you some coffee? MONICA: (POINTING AT RACHEL) De-caff. (TO THE gng) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (TO RACHEL) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? RACHEL: Hi, sure! ROSS: Hi. (THEY GO TO HUG BUT ROSS' UMBRELLA OPENS. HE SITS, DEFEATED AGAIN) (A MOMENT OF SILENCE AS RACHEL SITS; THE OTHERS EXPECT HER TO EXPLAIN) MONICA: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? RACHEL: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (TO WAITRESS, WHO HAS BROUGHT HER COFFEE)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realised that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it ht me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, he always looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (TO MONICA) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city. MONICA: Who wasn't invited to the wedding. RACHEL: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... SCENE 2: MONICA'S APARTMENT (ALL PRESENT AND WATCHING A SPANISH SOAP ON TV) MONICA: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. RACHEL: (ON PHONE) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me! CHANDLER: (RE TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. JOEY: I say push her down the stairs. PHOEBE+ROSS+CHANDLER+JOEY: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! (SHE IS PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. THEY CHEER) RACHEL: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! ROSS: You can see where he'd have trouble. RACHEL: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. MONICA: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica... RACHEL: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!! (CUT TO SAME SET. RACHEL IS BREATHING INTO A PAPER BAG) MONICA: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... PHOEBE: (SINGS) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (RACHEL AND MONICA TURN TO LOOK AT HER)..bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la... RACHEL: I'm all better now. PHOEBE: (GRINS AND WALKS TO KITCHEN. TO CHANDLER AND JOEY) I helped! MONICA: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. JOEY: (SITTING BESIDE HER) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot. MONICA: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! JOEY: What, like there's a rule or something? (THE DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS. CHANDLER GETS IT) CHANDLER: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound. PAUL: (OVER INTERCOM) It's, uh, it's Paul. MONICA: Buzz him in! JOEY: Who's Paul? ROSS: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul? MONICA: Maybe. JOEY: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? ROSS: He finally asked you out? MONICA: Yes! CHANDLER: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. MONICA: Rach, wait, I can cancel... RACHEL: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! MONICA: (TO ROSS) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay? ROSS: (CHOKED VOICE) That'd be good... MONICA: (HORRIFIED) Really? ROSS: (NORMAL VOICE) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy! (A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. MONICA GETS IT; IT'S PAUL) MONICA: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (THEY ARE ALL LINED UP NEXT TO THE DOOR)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul. ALL: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey! CHANDLER: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it? MONICA: (SHOWS PAUL IN) Two seconds. PHOEBE: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good. ROSS: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight? RACHEL: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing! ROSS: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (THINKS) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture. CHANDLER: (DEADPAN) Yes, and we're very excited about it. RACHEL: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.. ROSS: Okay, sure. JOEY: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help? PHOEBE: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to. (AD BREAK) SCENE 3: ROSS' APARTMENT (THE GUYS ARE ASSEMBLING FURNITURE) ROSS: (SQUATTING AND READING INSTRUCTIONS) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little whim guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs. (CHANDLER AND JOEY HAVE APPARENTLY FINISHED A BOOKCASE, BUT THERE IS A BIT LEFT OVER) JOEY: What's this? CHANDLER: I have no idea. (JOEY CHECKS ROSS IS NOT LOOKING AND DUMPS IN IN A PLANT POT) JOEY: Done with the bookcase! CHANDLER: All finished! ROSS: (CLUTCHING A BEER CAN AND SNIFFING) This was Carol's favourite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known. JOEY: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get? ROSS: You guys. CHANDLER: Oh, man. JOEY: You got screwed. (CUT TO MONICA AND PAUL EATING IN A RESTAURANT) MONICA: Oh my God! PAUL: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get? MONICA: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it? PAUL: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her- MONICA: -leg? PAUL: (LAUGHING) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch. MONICA: You actually broke her watch? (CUT TO RACHEL IN MONICA'S APARTMENT, TALKING ON THE PHONE AND PACING) RACHEL: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (STOPS TALKING; DIALS A NUMBER ON THE PHONE) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway... (CUT TO ROSS' APARTMENT) ROSS: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her... JOEY: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavour of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavours out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon! ROSS: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. CHANDLER: Stay out of my freezer! (CUT TO THE RESTAURANT) PAUL: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh... MONICA: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles? PAUL: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation. MONICA: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date? PAUL: Isn't there? MONICA: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say? PAUL: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (MONICA TAKES A SIP OF HER DRINK) ...Sexually. MONICA: (SPITS OUT HER DRINK IN SHOCK) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry... PAUL: It's okay... MONICA: Being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long? PAUL: Two years. MONICA: Wow! I'm glad you smashed her watch! PAUL: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date? MONICA: (PAUSE)...Yeah. Yeah, I do. (CUT TO RACHEL WATCHING 'JOANIE LOVES CHACHI') TV: 'I, Joanie, take you, Charles, to be my lawful husband.' 'Do you take...' RACHEL: Oh...see... but Joanie loved Chachi! That's the difference! (CUT TO ROSS') ROSS: (SCORNFUL) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you? Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (GAZES OUT OF THE WINDOW) (CUT TO RACHEL STARING OUT OF HER WINDOW) SCENE 4: MONICA + RACHEL'S APARTMENT. RACHEL IS MAKING COFFEE FOR JOEY AND CHANDLER) RACHEL: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life. CHANDLER: That is amazing. JOEY: Congratulations. And while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelette or something... (JOEY AND CHANDLER TASTE THE COFFEE, GRIMACE, AND POUR IT INTO A PLANT POT) Although actually I'm really not that hungry... (ENTER MONICA FROM HER ROOM) ALL: Morning. Good morning. (ENTER PAUL FROM MONICA'S ROOM) PAUL: Morning. JOEY: Morning, Paul. RACHEL: Hello, Paul. CHANDLER: Hi, Paul, is it? (MONICA AND PAUL WALK TO THE DOOR AND TALK IN A LOW VOICE SO THE OTHERS CAN'T HEAR. THE OTHERS SHUNT MONICA'S TABLE CLOSER TO TO THE DOOR SO THEY CAN) MONICA: I had a really great time last night. PAUL: Thank you. Thank you so much. MONICA: We'll talk later. PAUL: Yeah. (THEY KISS) Thank you. (EXIT PAUL) JOEY: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date? MONICA: Shut up, and put my table back. ALL: Okayyy! (THEY DO) CHANDLER: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference... RACHEL: So, like, you guys all have jobs? MONICA: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff. JOEY: Yeah, I'm an actor. RACHEL: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything? JOEY: I doubt it. Mostly regional work. MONICA: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio. CHANDLER: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.' JOEY: I will not take this abuse. (WALKS TO DOOR AND OPENS IT TO LEAVE) CHANDLER: You're right, I'm sorry. (BURSTS INTO SONG AND DANCES OUT OF THE DOOR) 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..' (EXIT JOEY AND CHANDLER) MONICA: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling. RACHEL: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. MONICA: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco? RACHEL: Oh, yeah. MONICA: Well, it's like that. With feelings. RACHEL: Oh wow. Are you in trouble. MONICA: Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work. RACHEL: Oh, look, wish me luck! MONICA: What for? RACHEL: I'm gonna go get one of those job things. (EXIT MONICA) SCENE 5: IRIDIUM (JUST MONICA, WORKING) (ENTER FRANNIE) FRANNIE: Hey, Monica! MONICA: Hey, welcome back! How was Florida? FRANNIE: You had sex, didn't you? MONICA: How do you do that? FRANNIE: So? Who? MONICA: You know Paul? FRANNIE: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul. MONICA: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul? FRANNIE: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years. (CUT TO THE gng MINUS RACHEL AT CENTRAL PERK) JOEY: (PERCHED ON THE SIDE OF THE SOFA)Of course it was a line! MONICA: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that? ROSS: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'. MONICA: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? PHOEBE: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (SHE MASSAGES THEM) MONICA: I just thought he was nice, y'know? JOEY: (BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AGAIN) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line! (MONICA PUSHES HIM OFF THE SOFA. ENTER RACHEL WITH SHOPPING) RACHEL: Guess what? ROSS: You got a job? RACHEL: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today. CHANDLER: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat. RACHEL: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off! CHANDLER: Oh, how well you know me... RACHEL: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots! MONICA: How'd you pay for them? RACHEL: Uh, credit card. MONICA: And who pays for that? RACHEL: Um... my... father. (CUT TO THE gng AT MONICA + RACHEL'S, SITTING ROUND A TABLE. ON THE TABLE ARE RACHEL'S CREDIT CARDS AND A PAIR OF SCISSORS) MONICA: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life. RACHEL: I know that. That's why I was getting married. PHOEBE: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time. RACHEL: Thank you. PHOEBE: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just klled herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windows outside port authority, and then he k*lled himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel. (A PAUSE) ROSS: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'... MONICA: You ready? RACHEL: I don't think so. ROSS: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,... ALL: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (SHE CUTS THEM ALL UP. THEY CHEER) MONICA: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it! (CUT TO SAME SET. MONICA, RACHEL AND ROSS HAVE JUST FINISHED WATCHING A FILM) MONICA: Well, that's it. RACHEL: (TO ROSS) You gonna crash on the couch? ROSS: No. No, I gotta go home sometime. MONICA: You be okay? ROSS: Yeah. RACHEL: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (MON SMILES) What? MONICA: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody. (STOMPS ON PAUL'S WATCH AND GOES TO HER ROOM) ROSS: Mmm. (THEY BOTH REACH FOR THE LAST COOKIE) Oh, no- RACHEL: Sorry- ROSS: No no no, go- RACHEL: No, you have it, really, I don't want it- ROSS: Split it? RACHEL: Okay. ROSS: Okay. (THEY SPLIT IT) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you. RACHEL: I knew. ROSS: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. RACHEL: I did. ROSS: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe? RACHEL: Yeah, maybe... ROSS: Okay... okay, maybe I will... RACHEL: Goodnight. ROSS: Goodnight. (EXIT RACHEL TO HER BEDROOM. ENTER MONICA IN DRESSING GOWN, AS ROSS IS LEAVING) MONICA: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you? ROSS: I just grabbed a spoon. (EXIT ROSS) (CLOSING CREDITS) CREDITS SCENE: CENTRAL PERK JOEY: I can't believe what I'm hearing here. PHOEBE: (SINGS) I can't believe what I'm hearing here... MONICA: What? I-I said you had a- PHOEBE: (SINGS) What I said... MONICA: (TO PHOEBE) Would you stop? PHOEBE: Oh, was I doing it again? RACHEL: (WALKS UP WITH A POT OF COFFEE) Would anybody like more coffee? CHANDLER: Did you make it, or are you just serving it? RACHEL: I'm just serving it. ALL: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee. CHANDLER: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minelli- END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x01 - The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot)"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane. Transcribed by guineapig. PRE-INTRO SCENE: CENTRAL PERK (ALL PRESENT) MONICA: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. JOEY: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious? PHOEBE: Oh, yeah! RACHEL: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. MONICA: Absolutely. CHANDLER: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. ROSS: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. CHANDLER: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. RACHEL: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. JOEY: (PAUSE)....Are we still talking about sex? SCENE 1: MUSEUM OF PREHISTORIC HISTORY (ROSS AND MARSHA ARE SETTING UP AN EXHIBIT, WHICH INCLUDES SOME MANNEQUINS OF CAVE PEOPLE) ROSS: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little angry? MARSHA: Well, she has issues. ROSS: Does she. MARSHA: He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet! ROSS: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See? MARSHA: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife? (CAROL HAS ENTERED BEHIND THEM, OUTSIDE THE EXHIBIT) ROSS: (TRYING TO IGNORE HER) No. No. MARSHA: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi! ROSS: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (WAVING) How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age. (EXIT MARSHA. ROSS WAVES AT CAROL TO COME INTO THE EXHIBIT) ROSS:Hi. CAROL: So. ROSS: You look great. I, uh... I hate that. CAROL: Sorry. You look good too. ROSS: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh... CAROL: A lesbian? ROSS: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family? CAROL: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh- ROSS: Why- why are you here, Carol? CAROL: I'm pregnant. ROSS: Pregnant?! (CUT TO MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT, WHERE CHANDLER, JOEY, PHOEBE AND MONICA ARE WATCHING 'THREE'S COMPANY') CHANDLER: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding. PHOEBE:...Then I've already seen this one! (TURNS OFF TV) MONICA: (TAKING DRINK FROM JOEY) Are you through with that? JOEY: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down. MONICA: Whose little ball of paper is this?! CHANDLER: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (OFF MONICA'S LOOK) ...now I wish I was dad. (MONICA STARTS TO FLUFF A PILLOW) PHOEBE: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that- (MON GIVES HER A LOOK) -but, it's fine! MONICA: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammniton than they already have. CHANDLER: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow. PHOEBE: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way. JOEY: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come. MONICA: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born. CHANDLER: (AT WINDOW) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew! MONICA: What? CHANDLER: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster! ALL: Eeaagh! (ENTER RACHEL FROM HER BEDROOM) RACHEL: Has anybody seen my engagement ring? PHOEBE: Yeah, it's beautiful. RACHEL: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God.... (LOOKING UNDER CUSHIONS) PHOEBE: No, look, don't touch that! RACHEL: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder... MONICA: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (TO ALL) Won't we! CHANDLER+JOEY: Oh! Yeah! JOEY: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last? PHOEBE: Doy! Probably right before she lost it! CHANDLER: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days... RACHEL: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with... CHANDLER: ...Dinah? RACHEL: (LOOKING AT THE LASAGNE AND REALISING) Ohhhhh, don't be mad... MONICA: You didn't. RACHEL: Oh, I am sorry... MONICA: I gave you one job! (EXAMINING THE LASAGNE THROUGH THE GLASS DISH) RACHEL: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are! CHANDLER: Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne... MONICA: (PUTS DOWN THE lASAGNE) I just... can't do it. CHANDLER: Boys? We're going in. (CHANDLER, JOEY+PHOEBE START TO PICK THROUGH THE LASAGNE. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. IT IS ROSS) ROSS: .....Hi. MONICA: Wow. That is not a happy hi. ROSS: Carol's pregnant. PHOEBE: (WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS STUNNED) Ooh! I found it! MONICA: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-... ROSS: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now. (HE COMES IN) CHANDLER: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon? RACHEL: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing? ROSS: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me. PHOEBE: She is so great! I miss her. MONICA: What does she mean by 'involved'? CHANDLER: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done. ROSS: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow. RACHEL: So what are you gonna do? ROSS: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father. (AT THE SOUND OF JOEY EATING THE LASAGNE, THE gng TURN ROUND TO STARE AT HIM ACCUSINGLY) JOEY: .....Well, this is still ruined, right? SCENE 2: MONICA AND RACHEL'S. (MONICA AND ROSS ARE POURING WINE FOR MR. AND MRS. GELLER) MRS. GELLER: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. (TASTING A SNACK) Mmm! What's that curry taste? MONICA: Curry. MRS. GELLER: Mmmm! ROSS: I- I think they're great! I, I really do. MR. GELLER: (TO ROSS) Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't she? MRS. GELLER: They all had a thing for him. ROSS: Aw, Mom... MONICA: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me? MRS. GELLER: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant- MONICA: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant. MRS. GELLER: Well, they don't have to know that... (SHE STARTS TO FLUFF THE PILLOWS) MONICA: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please? ROSS: Yeah. (THEY GO TO THE KITCHEN) MRS. GELLER: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's.... easy. MONICA: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me. (CUT TO THE FAMILY EATING) MRS. GELLER: What that Rachel did to her life.... We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well. MR. GELLER: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money! MRS. GELLER: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar... MONICA: What's that supposed to mean? MRS. GELLER: Nothing! It's an expression. MONICA: No it's not. MR. GELLER: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles... (CUT TO SAME SCENE) MR. GELLER: Look, there are people like Ross who need to sh*t for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer. (AGAIN, CUT TO SAME SCENE) MR. GELLER: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem. MONICA: (TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT) So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? (DIGS HER ELBOW INTO HIS HAND) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks? ROSS: (PULLS HIS HAND AWAY) Okay! Okay. (TO MR.+MRS. GELLER) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby. (STUNNED SILENCE) MRS. GELLER: (TURNS TO MONICA) And you knew about this?! (AD BREAK) SCENE 3: CENTRAL PERK (ALL PRESENT) JOEY: Your folks are really that bad, huh? ROSS: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done. MONICA: Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could- (TO ROSS) -I'd want yours. ROSS: Must pee. (GOES TO PEE) PHOEBE: Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins. RACHEL: You're twins? PHOEBE: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type. CHANDLER: What does she do? PHOEBE: She's a waitress. RACHEL: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. (THEY START TO LEAVE) MONICA: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this. CHANDLER: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred. RACHEL: The lights, please.. (JOEY TURNS OFF THE LIGHT. EXIT ALL BUT RACHEL AND ROSS. RACHEL STARTS TO SWEEP, THEN ROSS COMES BACK FROM THE TOILET) ROSS: ...How long was I in there? RACHEL: I'm just cleaning up. ROSS: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help? RACHEL: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (SHE HANDS HIM THE BROOM AND THEN SITS DOWN) ROSS: Anyway.. um.. (STARTS TO SWEEP) So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow? RACHEL: Oh.. a little.. ROSS: Mm-hmm.. RACHEL: A lot. ROSS: Mm. RACHEL: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped? ROSS: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN... RACHEL: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated? ROSS: Got me. RACHEL: Remember when we were in high school together? ROSS: Yeah. RACHEL: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it? (ROSS GAZES AT HER) ..Ross? ROSS: Yes, yes! RACHEL: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. (SHE LEANS BACK ONTO HIS HAND) ROSS: Me either... (HE PULLS UP A STOOL AND SITS DOWN SO AS NOT TO HAVE TO PULL HIS HAND AWAY) (CUT TO THE CLINIC. CAROL IS SITTING, WAITING. ENTER ROSS) ROSS: Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway. (ENTER SUSAN, HOLDING A DRINK) SUSAN: Hi. CAROL: Ross, you remember Susan. ROSS: How could I forget? SUSAN: Ross. ROSS: (THEY SHAKE HANDS) Hello, Susan. (TO CAROL) Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...? CAROL: Dr. Oberman. ROSS: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he- SUSAN: She. ROSS: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation? CAROL: Yes, and she's very supportive. ROSS: Okay, that's great. (SUSAN HOLDS OUT HER DRINK) No, I'm- Oh. (PASSES IT TO CAROL) CAROL: Thanks. ROSS: (PICKS UP A SURGICAL IMPLEMENT AND MIMES A DUCK WITH IT) Quack, quack.. CAROL: Ross? That opens my cervix. (HE DROPS IT IN HORROR) (CUT TO BARRY'S SURGERY. BARRY IS WORKING ON ROBBIE'S MOUTH. ENTER RACHEL) RACHEL: Barry? BARRY: C'mon in. RACHEL: (HESITATES) Are you sure? BARRY: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours. ROBBIE: Huh?! BARRY: So, how ya doin? RACHEL: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great! BARRY: Yeah, well.. BERNICE (OVER INTERCOM): Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging. BARRY (TO INTERCOM): Be right there. (TO ROBBIE+RACHEL) Be back in a sec. (ROBBIE STARES AT RACHEL) RACHEL: I dumped him. ROBBIE: Okay. (CUT TO THE CLINIC) ROSS: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like, important decisions have to be made? CAROL: Give me a 'for instance'. ROSS: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name? CAROL: Marlon- ROSS: Marlon?! CAROL: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl. ROSS: ...As in Mouse? CAROL: As in my grandmother. ROSS: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia? CAROL: Julia.. SUSAN: We agreed on Minnie. ROSS: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..? (CUT TO THE SURGERY. RACHEL IS DOING HER MAKEUP IN THE MIRROR ON BARRY'S LAMP. ENTER BARRY) BARRY: Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to? RACHEL: Oh, not much. I-I got a job. BARRY: Oh, that's great. RACHEL: Why are- why are you so tanned? BARRY: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba. RACHEL: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone? BARRY: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt. ROBBIE: Me?! BARRY: No! (TO RACHEL) I went with Mindy. RACHEL: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?! BARRY: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now. RACHEL: Oh! Well, um.. (GRABBING HIS FOREHEAD) You've got plugs! BARRY: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet. RACHEL: And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye! BARRY: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you. RACHEL: Okay.. BARRY: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist. RACHEL: Wow. BARRY: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit. RACHEL: What? ROBBIE: Me. (SPITS) RACHEL: Anyway, um, (GETS THE RING OUT OF HER PURSE) I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me. BARRY: Well, thank you for giving it back. (BARRY AND RACHEL SMILE AT EACH OTHER FOR A BIT) ROBBIE: Hello?! (CUT TO THE CLINIC) SUSAN: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen? ROSS: Helen Geller? I don't think so. CAROL: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller. ROSS: Thank you! CAROL: No, I mean it's not Geller. ROSS: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick? CAROL: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch. ROSS: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title? SUSAN: It's my baby too. ROSS: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm. SUSAN: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is! CAROL: All right, you two, stop it! ROSS: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too. CAROL: Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that borders on child abuse. ROSS: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch. SUSAN: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way! ROSS: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do- DR. OBERMAN: (ENTERING) Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea? ALL: Yeah. Yeah. A little. DR. OBERMAN: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (TO CAROL) Uh, lie back.. ROSS: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be involved in this particular thing right now. (HE TURNS TO GO, BUT THE SOUND OF THE SONOGRAM CATCHES HIS EAR; HE RETURNS AND STARES AT IT, TRANSFIXED) ROSS: Oh my God. SUSAN: Look at that. CAROL: I know. CREDITS SCENE: MONICA+RACHEL'S APARTMENT.(ALL WATCHING A VIDEO OF THE SONOGRAM) ROSS: Well? Isn't that amazing? JOEY: What are we supposed to be seeing here? CHANDLER: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attck the Enterprise. PHOEBE: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato. ROSS: Then don't do that, alright? PHOEBE: Okay! ROSS: (WALKING OVER TO WHERE MONICA IS STANDING)Monica. Whaddya think? MONICA: (WELLING UP) Mm-hmm. ROSS: Wh- are you welling up? MONICA: No. ROSS: You are, you're welling up. MONICA: Am not! ROSS: You're gonna be an aunt. MONICA: (PUSHES HIM AND STARTS TO CRY) Oh shut up! RACHEL: (ON PHONE) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (SLAMS DOWN PHONE) (TO THE gng, WHO ARE STARING) Okay, I know it was a cheap sht, but I feel SO much better now. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x02 - The One With the Sonogram at the End"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz. Transcribed by guineapig. PRE-INTRO SCENE: CENTRAL PERK PHOEBE: (ENTERING) Hi guys! ALL: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! ROSS: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go? PHOEBE: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!' ALL: Ohh. Ouch. RACHEL: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right? MONICA: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'. RACHEL: Since when? JOEY: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'. CHANDLER: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'. PHOEBE: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. RACHEL: And everybody knows this? JOEY: Yeah. Cushions the blow. CHANDLER: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. ROSS: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. MONICA: Uh, Ross. ROSS: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi! (INTRO) SCENE 1: CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. (JOEY IS REHEARSING A PART; CHANDLER READS THE OTHER PART FROM A SCRIPT) CHANDLER: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" JOEY: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." CHANDLER: Hey, that was really good! JOEY: Thanks! Let's keep going. CHANDLER: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?" JOEY: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke." CHANDLER: "Smoke away." (JOEY TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND A LIGHTER. HE FUMBLES AND DROPS THE LIGHTER. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A DRAG AND COUGHS) CHANDLER: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone. JOEY: What? CHANDLER: Relax your hand! (JOEY LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP) CHANDLER: Not so much! JOEY: Whoah! CHANDLER: Hey! JOEY: Hey! CHANDLER: Alright, now try taking a puff. (JOEY TRIES AND VISIBLY WINCES) CHANDLER: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me. JOEY: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette. CHANDLER: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here. (JOEY RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE) CHANDLER: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete. JOEY: Y'miss it? CHANDLER: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (TAKES A PUFF) Oh.. my.. God. (CONTINUES TO SMOKE) SCENE 2: CENTRAL PERK(ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND PHOEBE) MONICA: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger. (THE GUYS STRETCH OUT THEIR FINGERS) JOEY: That's ridiculous! ROSS: Can I use.. either thumb? RACHEL: (BRINGING DRINKS) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (HANDING THEM OUT) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this! ALL: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. RACHEL: (LEAVING TO SERVE OTHERS) Good for me! (THE gng SWAP ROUND ALL THE DRINKS) (ENTER PHOEBE, MUTTERING. SHE SITS DOWN WITHOUT SAYING HI) JOEY: Y'okay, Phoebe? PHOEBE: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank. MONICA: What did they do to you? PHOEBE: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT- ROSS: Easy. PHOEBE: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account. CHANDLER: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... PHOEBE: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them. JOEY: What are you talking about? Keep it! PHOEBE: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing. RACHEL: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! PHOEBE: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'... MONICA: We're with you. We got it. (CHANDLER LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH, OUT OF SIGHT) PHOEBE: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt. RACHEL: Chandler, what are you doing? MONICA: (PULLING HIM UP) Hey. Whaddya doing? (CHANDLER TRIES TO SHRUG NONCHALANTLY BUT EVENTUALLY HE HAS TO EXHALE A MOUTHFUL OF SMOKE) ALL: Oh! Oh, God! ROSS: What is this?! CHANDLER: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking. PHOEBE: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years! CHANDLER: And this- is my reward! ROSS: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. CHANDLER: Okay, so this time I won't quit! ALL: Ohhh! Put it out! CHANDLER: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (HE DROPS IT IN PHOEBE'S COFFEE) PHOEBE: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now! MONICA: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date. RACHEL: This Alan again? How's it goin'? MONICA: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun. JOEY: So when do we get to meet the guy? MONICA: Let's see, today's Monday... Never. ALL: Oh, come on! Come on! MONICA: No. Not after what happened with Steve. CHANDLER: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry. MONICA: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out. RACHEL: Well, then can we meet him? MONICA: Nope. Schhorry. SCENE 3: IRIDIUM (MONICA AND PAULA ARE AT WORK) MONICA: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd. PAULA: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you. MONICA: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked. PAULA: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.. (CUT TO RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY, PHOEBE IS ABSENT) JOEY: Let it go, Ross. ROSS: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi. MONICA: Do you all promise? ALL: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good! MONICA: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler? Do you promise to be good? (CHANDLER MAKES A 'CROSS MY HEART' SIGN. IT STARTS TO RAIN AND CHANDLER TAPS ON THE WINDOW) JOEY: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside! (CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT) (ENTER PHOEBE. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI) ROSS: Hey, Pheebs. PHOEBE: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone! RACHEL: What bank is this? (DOOR BUZZER) MONICA: Hey. It's him. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it? ALAN (INTERCOM): It's Alan. JOEY: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler! He's here! (CHANDLER COMES IN, DRIPPING WET) MONICA: (TO ALL) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me. (OPENS THE DOOR- ENTER ALAN) MONICA: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan. ALAN: Hi. ALL: Hi, Alan. ALAN: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh! (GENERAL HYSTERIA) SCENE 4: RACHEL+ MONICA'S (LATER IN THE EVENING) MONICA: (AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (TO ALL) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first sht, hmm? (SILENCE) MONICA: C'mon! ROSS: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him. ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! MONICA: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with? ALL: Yeah! RACHEL: And did you notice...? (SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER) THE GUYS: (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah. JOEY: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked. PHOEBE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! ROSS: ...What shoe? PHOEBE: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...' (DUBIOUS PAUSE) ROSS: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured. RACHEL: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it. MONICA: Really! CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES IT) ROSS: You know what I like most about him, though? ALL: What? ROSS: The way he makes me feel about myself. ALL: Yeah... (AD BREAK) SCENE 5: CENTRAL PERK(MONICA ALONE. ENTER ROSS, RACHEL, CHANDLER AND JOEY, DEJECTEDLY, IN SOFTBALL GEAR) MONICA: Hi.. how was the game? ROSS: Well.. ALL: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes! MONICA: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible? JOEY: Alan. ROSS: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-... RACHEL: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team. CHANDLER: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball.. MONICA: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.. ROSS: What? MONICA: ..I dunno, a little too Alan? RACHEL: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan. ROSS: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore. CHANDLER: I personally could have a gallon of Alan. (CUT TO A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING. PHOEBE WALKS UP TO HER) PHOEBE: Hey, Lizzie. LIZZIE: Hey, Weird Girl. PHOEBE: I brought you alphabet soup. LIZZIE: Did you pick out the vowels? PHOEBE: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) LIZZIE: Saltines? PHOEBE: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone? LIZZIE: What? (OPENS THE ENVELOPE PHOEBE HAS GIVEN HER) Oh my God, there's really money in here. PHOEBE: I know. LIZZIE: Weird Girl, what are you doing? PHOEBE: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it. LIZZIE: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something. PHOEBE: Oh, that's fine, no. LIZZIE: Would you like my tin-foil hat? PHOEBE: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks. LIZZIE: Please, let me do something. PHOEBE: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay? LIZZIE: Okay. PHOEBE: Okay. (CUT TO CHANDLER'S OFFICE BLOCK) (CHANDLER LOOKS ROUND, THEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAWER AND TAKES A PUFF OF A CIGARETTE. THEN HE SPRAYS AROUND SOME AIR FRESHENER AND TAKES SOME BREATH SPRAY. HE TYPES FOR A MOMENT. THEN HE OPENS THE DRAWER AGAIN AND TAKES ANOTHER PUFF. NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HE SPRAYS THE BREATH SPRAY AROUND THE ROOM, TAKES A SQUIRT OF AIR FRESHENER AND GAGS) (CUT TO PHOEBE AND LIZZIE AT A SODA STAND) LIZZIE: Keep the change. (TO PHOEBE) Sure you don't wanna pretzel? PHOEBE: No, I'm fine. LIZZIE: (LEAVING) See ya. (PHOEBE OPENS THE CAN AND REACTS) PHOEBE: Huh! (CUT TO CENTRAL PERK) ROSS: A thumb?! (PHOEBE NODS) ALL: Eww! PHOEBE: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker! CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five? PHOEBE: Does, um, anyone wanna see? ALL: Nooo! (CHANDLER LIGHTS A CIGARETTE) ALL: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out! RACHEL: It's worse than the thumb! CHANDLER: Hey, this is so unfair! MONICA: Oh, why is it unfair? CHANDLER: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this? (UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE) JOEY: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? RACHEL: Well, I-I could live without it. JOEY: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? (PHOEBE SPITS OUT HER HAIR) ROSS: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing. JOEY: Oh, (IMITATING ROSS) "you do, do you"? (MONICA LAUGHS AND SNORTS) ROSS: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. RACHEL: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work. PHOEBE: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. RACHEL: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on. (THEY DEGENERATE INTO BICKERING AND CHANDLER HAPPILY STARTS TO SMOKE, UNDISTURBED.) SCENE 6: IRIDIUM (AGAIN, MONICA AND PAULA AT WORK) MONICA: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like? PAULA: No. MONICA: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like. PAULA: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through! MONICA: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing. PAULA: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him! MONICA: I know.. it's gonna be really hard. PAULA: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it. MONICA: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about. (CUT TO CENTRAL PERK, WHERE JOEY AND ROSS ARE PERSECUTING CHANDLER) JOEY: Do you have any respect for your body? ROSS: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself? CHANDLER: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it. RACHEL: (WITH PHONE) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you. CHANDLER: Really? He does? (TAKES PHONE) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (HANDS BACK THE PHONE AND STUBS OUT HIS CIGARETTE) RACHEL: (TO ROSS, WHO HAS WANDERED UP) God, he's good. ROSS: If only he were a woman. RACHEL: Yeah. (THEY GIVE EACH OTHER A DUBIOUS LOOK) (CUT TO THE gng MINUS MONICA AND JOEY WATCHING LAMBCHOP AT RACHEL+ MONICA'S) CHANDLER: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. ROSS: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (DOES SO) (ENTER MONICA) MONICA: Hey. Where's Joey? CHANDLER: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I klled him. Do you think that was wrong? RACHEL: I think he's across the hall. MONICA: Thanks. (GOES TO FETCH HIM) ROSS: (FINISHES CHANGING CHANDLER'S NICOTINE PATCH) There y'go. CHANDLER: (DEADPAN) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now. ROSS: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs? PHOEBE: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? ROSS: Hey, I might! PHOEBE: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb. ALL: You're kidding. Oh my God. PHOEBE: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?! JOEY: (DRAGGED IN BY MONICA. HE HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE SHOWER) What's going on? MONICA: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together. JOEY: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.. RACHEL: Uh, Joey.. JOEY: Oh, God! (HURRIEDLY CLOSES HIS KNEES) MONICA: (TURNS OFF TV) Okay.. ALL: Oh! That was Lambchop! MONICA: Please, guys, we have to talk. PHOEBE: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not. MONICA: Alright, we have to talk. PHOEBE: There it is! MONICA: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan. (THEY ALL GASP AND CLUTCH EACH OTHER) ROSS: Is there somebody else? MONICA: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change. RACHEL: We didn't change.. JOEY: So that's it? It's over? Just like that? PHOEBE: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (CHEWS HER HAIR) MONICA: Look, I- I could go on pretending- JOEY: Okay! MONICA: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you! ROSS: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were. MONICA: I'm sorry.. CHANDLER: (SARCASTIC) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better! RACHEL: (TEARFUL) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family- MONICA: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans. ALL: Oh, yeah! Right! MONICA: Are you guys gonna be okay? ROSS: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time. MONICA: (DUBIOUS) I understand. (CUT TO MONICA TELLING ALAN IN A RESTAURANT) ALAN: Wow. MONICA: I'm, I'm really sorry. ALAN: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved. MONICA: Relieved? ALAN: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends. (CLOSING CREDITS) CREDITS SCENE: RACHEL + MONICA'S (THE g*ng ARE MOPING AROUND, EATING ICE CREAM) RACHEL: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun. ROSS: Yeah. He could row like a viking. (ENTER MONICA) MONICA: Hi. ALL: Mmm. ROSS: So how'd it go? MONICA: Oh, y'know.. PHOEBE: Did he mention us? MONICA: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (DUBIOUS LOOK) ROSS: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (SHE SITS DOWN AND ROSS STROKES HER FOREHEAD) CHANDLER: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes. ALL: No no no! CHANDLER: (LEAVING) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke! PHOEBE: (SHOUTS AS HE LEAVES) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars! CHANDLER: (REENTERING) Yeah, alright. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x03 - The One With the Thumb"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Alexa Junge. Transcribed by guineapig. PRE-INTRO-SCENE: CENTRAL PERK (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT JOEY) MONICA: Alright. Phoebe? PHOEBE: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs! ROSS: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about you? CHANDLER: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever. RACHEL: See, there's always one guy. (MOCKING) "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes." (ENTER JOEY) ALL: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy. MONICA: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent? JOEY: Probably kll myself! MONICA: ..Excuse me? JOEY: Hey, if Little Joey's dad, then I got no reason to live! ROSS: Joey, uh- OMnipotent. JOEY: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.. (INTRO) SCENE 1: CENTRAL PERK (ROSS AND MONICA ARE WATCHING PHOEBE SLEEP) MONICA: How does she do that? ROSS: I cannot sleep in a public place. MONICA: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful. PHOEBE: (WAKING AND STARTLING THEM) Oh! What what what! ...Hi. ROSS: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again. MONICA: What's going on with you? PHOEBE: I got no sleep last night! ROSS: Why? PHOEBE: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are! MONICA: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel and me tonight. PHOEBE: Thanks. (ENTER CHANDLER AND JOEY. JOEY IS COUNTING HIS STEPS) JOEY: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here. CHANDLER: You got waaaay too much free time. JOEY: (TO ROSS) Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you. CHANDLER: Happy birthday, pal! JOEY: We love you, man. (KISSES HIM) ROSS: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago. JOEY: So? ROSS: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date? CHANDLER: Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty". ROSS: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth? MONICA: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember. ROSS: Ohhh. JOEY: What's wrong with the twentieth? CHANDLER: Eleven days before Hallowe'en.. all the good costumes are gone? ROSS: Today's the day Carol and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (JOEY IS PUZZLED) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. JOEY: The hell with hockey, let's all do that! CHANDLER: (TRYING TO STOP ROSS LEAVING) C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (PRETENDING TO PUNCH HIM IN THE STOMACH) huh? huh? huh? ROSS: What are you doing? CHANDLER: (STOPS) I have no idea. JOEY: C'mon, Ross! ROSS: Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger? CHANDLER: You got it. (RACHEL RUNS UP CLUTCHING AN ENVELOPE) RACHEL: Look look look look look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me! PHOEBE: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were klled. MONICA: Wow, you worked in a mine? PHOEBE: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why? RACHEL: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally- (OPENS ENVELOPE) -not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what- Chandler, look at that. CHANDLER: (LOOKING) Oh, this is not that bad. JOEY: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job. ROSS: You can totally, totally live on this. MONICA: Yeah, yeah. ROSS: Oh, by the way, great service tonight. ALL: Oh! Yeah! (THEY GET THEIR WALLETS OUT AND GIVE GENEROUS TIPS) BOYS: Hockey! (THEY GO TO LEAVE BUT ARE BLOCKED BY LESLIE, KIKI AND JOANNE. A PAUSE AS THE BOYS STARE AT THEM) Hockey! Hockey. (EXIT BOYS) LESLIE: (LOOKING ROUND) Rachel? RACHEL: Oh my God! (RACHEL, LESLIE, KIKI AND JOANNE ALL SCREAM AND HUG EACH OTHER) MONICA: (TO PHOEBE) I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom. RACHEL: What are you guys doing here? KIKI: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true! JOANNE: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play. RACHEL: (TO (PREGNANT) LESLIE) Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it! LESLIE: I know. I know! I'm a duplex. RACHEL: (TO JOANNE) So what's going on with you? JOANNE: Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? (POINTS TO HERSELF; THEY ALL SCREAM) KIKI: And while we're on the subject of news.. (HOLDS UP HER FINGER TO SHOW A RING; THEY ALL SCREAM) PHOEBE: (TO MONICA) Look, look, I have elbows! (THEY SCREAM) SCENE 2: THE BOYS WALKING DOWN A STREET (CHANDLER AND JOEY ARE KICKING A CAN ABOUT) CHANDLER: ...Poulet passes it up to Leech! (PASSES TO JOEY) JOEY: Leech spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass! (KICKS IT TO ROSS, BUT ROSS IS STARING INTO A SHOP WINDOW) CHANDLER: We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes. ROSS: Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (OFF CHANDLER'S LOOK) Sorry. Sorry. (THEY WALK ON. CHANDLER AND JOEY START TO TALK BUT ROSS STOPS AND WHINES) JOEY: What? ROSS: Peach pit. CHANDLER: Yes, Bunny? ROSS: (POINTS) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had- JOEY: -Peaches? ROSS: Actually, nectarines, but basically.. CHANDLER: (TO JOEY) Could've been a peach. ROSS: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (LOOKS UP, REALISES, AND POINTS) -the bus stop... I'm fine. JOEY: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! (THEY TURN TO STARE AT HIM) What? Thought we were trying to find stuff. (CUT TO CENTRAL PERK- RACHEL, LESLIE, KIKI AND JOANNE TALKING) RACHEL: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt! KIKI: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar! JOANNE: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second. RACHEL: Okay. JOANNE: When are you coming home? RACHEL: What? Guys, I'm not. JOANNE: C'mon, this is us. RACHEL: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job- KIKI: Waitressing? RACHEL: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dad flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies. LESLIE: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies. SCENE 3: MONICA AND RACHEL'S (PHOEBE AND MONICA ARE IN PAJAMAS. MONICA IS MAKING SOMETHING IN THE BLENDER) (ENTER RACHEL) MONICA: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (SHE AND PHOEBE SCREAM) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (POURS THE CONTENTS OF THE BLENDER INTO GLASSES) RACHEL: What's that? MONICA: Weeeell, it's rum, and- RACHEL: Okay. (GRABS THE BLENDER AND STARTS TO DRINK) MONICA: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister.. (PHONE RINGS, MONICA GOES TO ANSWER) PHOEBE: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy! MONICA: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people. RACHEL: Oh, God, ask them what they want. MONICA: (PHONE) Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? ...Yes, hold on. (TO RACH) Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account. RACHEL: But I haven't used my card in weeks! MONICA: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay. RACHEL: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay? MONICA: (PAUSES, THEN, TO PHONE) Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back? RACHEL: Alright, c'mon! (MISERABLY) Let's play Twister! SCENE 4: THE GUYS AT THE GAME (TRYING TO FIND THEIR SEATS) ROSS: (SQUEEZING PAST PEOPLE) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh. CHANDLER: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans? ROSS: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost... JOEY: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit. (CUT TO THE GIRLS) MONICA: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing! RACHEL: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what? PHOEBE: You are just like Jack. RACHEL: ...Jack from downstairs? PHOEBE: No, Jack and the Beanstalk. MONICA: Ah, the other Jack. PHOEBE: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village.. RACHEL: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him- PHOEBE: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow. RACHEL: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like- PHOEBE: Floopy? RACHEL: Yeah. MONICA: So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy. PHOEBE: Oh, like that's a word. RACHEL: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come together? MONICA: ...Pheebs? PHOEBE: Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this question. RACHEL: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans? (CUT TO THE GAME) ROSS: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal! CHANDLER: (TO ROSS) See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks. ROSS: Pass it! Pass it! CHANDLER: He's open! ALL: sht! sht! sht! (THE PLAYER sht. THE PUCK FLIES OFF THE RINK AND HITS ROSS IN THE FACE. CHANDLER LOOKS CONCERNED, UNTIL HE NOTICES...) CHANDLER: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing! (CHANDLER AND JOEY HOLD UP THE PUCK AND WAVE AT THE TV THING) (AD BREAK) SCENE 5: EMERGENCY ROOM (CHANDLER AND JOEY LEADING ROSS IN) CHANDLER: (TO RECEPTIONIST)'Scuse me. RECEPTIONIST: (HOLDS UP HER HAND- SHE IS ON THE PHONE) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied. CHANDLER: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (RECEPTIONIST GIVES HIM A LOOK TO FREEZE HELL) RECEPTIONIST: (TO PHONE) Hold on. (TO CHANDLER) Fill these out, sit over there. (TOSSES HIM SOME FORMS) ROSS: (JUMPS TO HIS FEET) Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented. RECEPTIONIST: Well, you'll have to wait your turn. JOEY: Well, how long do you think it'll be? RECEPTIONIST: (SARCASTIC) Any minute now. ROSS: Hey, this- (SHE GIVES HIM A LOOK AND THE GUYS BACK OFF) Heyy... (CUT TO THE GIRLS) RACHEL: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down. MONICA: No, you were right. I don't have a plan. (A KNOCK AT THE DOOR) PIZZA GUY (OUTSIDE): Pizza guy. RACHEL: Thank God. Food. (SHE GOES TO GET IT) MONICA: Phoebe? PHOEBE: What? MONICA: Do you have a plan? PHOEBE: I don't even have a 'pl'. PIZZA GUY: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion? RACHEL: (MISERABLE) No, no, that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese. PIZZA GUY: Wait, you're not 'G.Stephanopoulos'? Man, my dad's gonna k*ll me! MONICA: (LEAPS THE COUCH AND RUNS UP) Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos'? PIZZA GUY: Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead! MONICA: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks? PIZZA GUY: Yeah, that sounds about right. MONICA: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit? PHOEBE: And-and a power tie? PIZZA GUY: No, pretty much just a towel. MONICA: (STAGGERED) Oh God. PIZZA GUY: So you guys want me to take this back? MONICA: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! (RACHEL PAYS HIM. MONICA GRABS SOME BINOCULARS AND RUNS TO THE WINDOW) RACHEL: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus? PHOEBE: Big Bird's friend. MONICA: I see pizza! PHOEBE: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (RUNS UP AND TAKES THE BINOCULARS) RACHEL: Hello? Who are we spying on? MONICA: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt? RACHEL: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him! PHOEBE: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman. MONICA: Please tell me it's his mother. PHOEBE: Definitely not his mother. MONICA: Oh, no... PHOEBE: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (YELLS) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (PHOEBE COVERS HER MOUTH WITH HER HAND AND WALKS AWAY FROM THE WINDOW) (CUT TO THE HOSPITAL. JOEY IS MIMING HOCKEY PUCKS HITTING FOREHEADS. CHANDLER REALISES IT'S GETTING TENSE AND GOES TO THE RECEPTIONIST AGAIN) CHANDLER: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (SHE SLIDES THE GLASS PANEL OVER. CHANDLER TALKS THROUGH IT IN A LOUD VOICE) CHANDLER: Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (TO THE E.R.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (SHE SLIDES THE PANEL BACK. HE TURNS AND IT TAKES HIM BY SURPRISE) Ba-! (CUT TO THE GIRLS ON MON+RACH'S BALCONY) MONICA: Light still out? RACHEL: Yeah. MONICA: Oh. Maybe they're- napping. RACHEL: Oh please, they're having sex. MONICA+PHOEBE: Shut up! RACHEL: So, whaddya think George is like? MONICA: I think he's shy. PHOEBE: Yeah? MONICA: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal. (HOSPITAL) ROSS: I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow. CHANDLER: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please? JOEY: He's right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that. ROSS: Look, it's just a little more complicated... CHANDLER: Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women? ROSS: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you... CHANDLER: Then what? ROSS: My first time with Carol was.. (MUMBLES) JOEY: What? ROSS: It was my first time. JOEY: With Carol? (ROSS GIVES HIM A LOOK) JOEY: Oh. CHANDLER: So in your whole life, you've only been with one- (HE GETS A LOOK TOO) -oh. JOEY: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight! (BALCONY) MONICA: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much? PHOEBE: Uh-huh. MONICA: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah! PHOEBE: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley. MONICA: What?! You slept with Jason? PHOEBE: You'd already broken up. RACHEL: How long? PHOEBE: A couple hours. MONICA: Oh, that's nice! RACHEL: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (SHE SITS UP AND THE CUSHION SHE WAS LEANING AGAINST FALLS OFF THE BALCONY) Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me. MONICA: Excuse me?! RACHEL: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one? (TO PHOEBE) She was a big girl. MONICA: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade! RACHEL: I was laughing! You made me laugh! (MONICA AND RACHEL START TO SQUABBLE) PHOEBE: There he is! There he is! MONICA: Where? PHOEBE: Right- where we've been looking all night! RACHEL: He is so cute! MONICA: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel! ALL: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the- (PAUSE) -wowww. (HOSPITAL- ROSS IS ABSENT) JOEY: Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman? CHANDLER: I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic.. JOEY: Really? CHANDLER: No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. (ENTER ROSS OFF CAMERA) BOTH: Hey, buddy. ROSS: Hi. (HE IS WEARING A PIECE OF STEEL BANDAGED TO HIS NOSE. HE TOSSES SOME FORMS ONTO THE RECEPTION DESK) RECEPTIONIST: (SARCASTIC) Oh, that's attractive. CHANDLER: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight. ROSS: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck? JOEY: Oh, ah- the kid has it. ROSS: The kid..? (TO KID) Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck. KID: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. (ROSS LOOKS AT CHANDLER FOR HELP) CHANDLER: You gotta do it, man. ROSS: (TO KID) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever- (TO CHANDLER) -can't do it. (TO KID) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck. KID: No. ROSS: 'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme! KID: No! No! (THEY FIGHT OVER IT.) RECEPTIONIST: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER! ROSS: (TRIES TO SNATCH IT-) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (-BUT IT FLIES OUT OF HIS GRASP AND KNOCKS OUT THE RECEPTIONIST) ROSS: ...Now that was fun. CREDITS SCENE: RACHEL+MONICA'S PLACE (JOEY AND THE GIRLS ARE PLAYING TWISTER) ROSS: (DOING THE SPINNING) Okay, Monica: Right foot red. MONICA: Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo. (A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. CHANDLER OPENS IT AND SOME GUY SILENTLY HANDS BACK THE CUSHION) CHANDLER: Thanks. (THE GUY NODS AND LEAVES) ROSS: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. (PHOEBE HAS TO BEND OVER.)Good. (JOEY STARES AT HER BUTT APPRECIATIVELY) (PHONE RINGS, CHANDLER ANSWERS) CHANDLER: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people. RACHEL: Oh, okay. Will you take my place? CHANDLER: Alright. (TO PHONE) Yes, this is Rachel. RACHEL: Nooo! (TAKES THE PHONE; CHANDLER TAKES HER PLACE) Hello? Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really. ROSS: Green. To the green. RACHEL: I've got magic beans. Never-never mind. CHANDLER: To the left, to the left- aww! (THEY COLLAPSE) RACHEL: Ohhh... I'm fine. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x04 - The One With George Stephanopoulos"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]]. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Central Perk. All six are there.] MNCA: Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal. ROSS: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right? RACH: Come on! You guys can pee standing up. CHAN: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that. JOEY: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me. PHOE: Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care. [Long pause.] ROSS: Multiple orgasms! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk. All are there.] CHAN: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night! JOEY: No plans, huh? CHAN: Not a one. ROSS: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice? CHAN: Oh, right, right, shut up. MNCA: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it. CHAN: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note. JOEY: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling. PHOE: You know, if you want, I'll do it with you. CHAN: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her. PHOE: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony. ROSS: Tony? MNCA: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony? PHOE: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know. RACH: [waitressing] Does anybody want anything else? ROSS: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. [Rachel gives him a dirty look] Nothing, just, just, I'm fine. PHOE: [to Rachel] What's the matter? Why so scrunchy? RACH: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible. ROSS: That guy, he burns me up. RACH: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady. CHAN: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that. MNCA: Did he give you that whole "You're-not-up-to-this" thing again? RACH: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on your own". PHOE: [rhythmically] Uh-huh, uh-huh. [Angela (ANGL), a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.] ANGL: Hi, Joey. JOEY: My god, Angela. [Angela takes a seat at the counter.] MNCA: Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her. PHOE: Are you gonna go over there? JOEY: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. [he walks over to her] Hey, Angela. ANGL: [casually] Joey. JOEY: You look good. ANGL: That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs. JOEY: You don't say. [Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.] ROSS: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight? RACH: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama. ROSS: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too? RACH: Who? ROSS: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you both, here? RACH: Don't you have a laundry room in your building? ROSS: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish? RACH: Sure. [Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.] ANGL: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now. JOEY: Bob? Who the hell's Bob? ANGL: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob-- JOEY: Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too. ANGL: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just be friends, so guess what? JOEY: What? ANGL: We're just friends. JOEY: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends? ANGL: What four of us? JOEY: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Angela's boyfriend Bob and then take Angela back for himself.] JOEY: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you. MNCA: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet. JOEY: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is-- MNCA: [looking out window] Oh, god help us. JOEY: What? MNCA: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww! JOEY: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me. MNCA: What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls. JOEY: [proud] I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please? [Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler is over.] ROSS: [on phone] Ok, bye. [hangs up] Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel. CHAN: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through? ROSS: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal. CHAN: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date. ROSS: Nuh-uh. CHAN: Yuh-huh. ROSS: So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what? CHAN: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwear--do you want it to be dirty? ROSS: [sheepish] No. CHAN: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener? ROSS: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way. CHAN: There you go. [Scene: A fancy restaurant. Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who Monica thinks is Angela's brother.] MNCA: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short? JOEY: Yep. MNCA: Which? JOEY: Which what? MNCA: You've never met Bob, have you? JOEY: No, but he's-- MNCA: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly-- [Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.] ANGL: Hey, Joey. MNCA: --horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now. [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their significant others.] CHAN: Where are they? Where are they? PHOE: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us. CHAN: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies. PHOE: Eww, I don't wanna do that. [Janice (JNCE) and Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.] CHAN: Here we go. PHOE: Ok, have a good break-up. CHAN: Hey, Janice. JNCE: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day. CHAN: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please? JNCE: We got the proofs back from that photo sh*t, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping...[looks through her bags]... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you... [Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for her.] CHAN: What? JNCE: What? CHAN: [covering] What... did you get me there? JNCE: I got you--these. [pulls out a pair of socks] CHAN: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet. JNCE: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want. CHAN: That's great. [The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.] CHAN: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte? JNCE: [holding the full cup] No, no, I'm still working on mine. [Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about the break-up.] CHAN: That's it? PHOE: Yeah, it was really hard. CHAN: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal. PHOE: Ok, you weren't there. [Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.] WOMAN: Comin' through. Move, move. RACH: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine. WOMAN: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not. RACH: But I saved it. I put my basket on top. WOMAN: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds. RACH: What? WOMAN: No suds, no save. Ok? [Ross arrives.] ROSS: What's goin' on? RACH: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine. ROSS: Was your basket on top? RACH: Yeah, but, there were no suds. ROSS: So? RACH: Well, you know, no suds, no save. ROSS: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. [to woman] That's my friend's machine. WOMAN: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it. ROSS: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it. [The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.] ROSS: [to the crowd in the laundromat] All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. [to Rachel] Ok, let's do laundry. RACH: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup. ROSS: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent. [Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.] RACH: What's that? ROSS: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough. [Rachel starts to load her clothes.] ROSS: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those? RACH: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants? ROSS: Rach, have you never done this before? RACH: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin. ROSS: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things. RACH: [holds a pair of panties in front of Ross] Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates? ROSS: [visibly nervous] Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call. [Scene: Fancy restaurant. Monica, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.] MNCA: [to Joey] He is so cute. [to Angela and Bob] So, where did you guys grow up? ANGL: Brooklyn Heights. BOB: Cleveland. MNCA: How, how did that happen? JOEY: Oh my god. MNCA: What? JOEY: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not. Commercial Break [Scene: Fancy restaurant. Joey and Bob are talking.] JOEY: So, you and Angela, huh? BOB: Yep. Pretty much. JOEY: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel. BOB: Huh, I never really noticed. JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it. BOB: Monica, Monica is great. JOEY: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually. [Scene: The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant. Monica and Angela are talking.] MNCA: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific. ANGL: Yeah, isn't he? MNCA: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight. ANGL: You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed. MNCA: Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity. ANGL: Huh. That's nice. [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.] PHOE: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed. [Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.] CHAN: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Janice. JNCE: All right. Well, there you go. [she gets extremely wound up, and begins to try and calm herself down] Stop it, stop it, stop it. [Scene: The laundromat.] RACH: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do. ROSS: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? [the buzzer on the washer goes off] I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...[opens up the washer] Uh-oh. RACH: What uh-oh? ROSS: [not wanting to tell her] Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. [singing] Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh. RACH: Ross, what's the matter? ROSS: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done. RACH: Come on, show me. ROSS: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink. RACH: Oh, everything's pink. ROSS: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone. RACH: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry! [The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.] [Scene: The fancy restaurant. Angela has her hand in Bob's shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.] MNCA: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please? [Her and Joey walk away from the table.] MNCA: Oh my god. JOEY: What? MNCA: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia. JOEY: Come on, they're close. MNCA: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear. JOEY: Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross. MNCA: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's--not really true, is it? JOEY: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean-- MNCA: Oh my god, what were you thinking? JOEY: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little. MNCA: [hits him lightly] Oh! JOEY: Ow! MNCA: [leaving] I'm outta here. JOEY: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you. MNCA: Really? JOEY: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up. [Scene changes to later that night. Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob's shirt and is wiping it off. Joey is making eyes at Angela.] MNCA: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story. [Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob about.] JOEY: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here. [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.] CHAN: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, [Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye]... boom. JNCE: Ow! CHAN: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok? JNCE: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back. [She leaves.] CHAN: [to Phoebe] I ht her in the eye! I h*t her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world. PHOE: Oh my god. [Chandler downs another espresso.] How many of those have you had? CHAN: Oh, I don't know, a million? PHOE: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la. CHAN: I'm fine. PHOE: All right. [Janice returns from the bathroom.] CHAN: I'm not fine. Here she comes. PHOE: Wait here. Breathe. [Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then Janice immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.] CHAN: How do you do that? PHOE: It's like a gift. CHAN: We should always always break up together. PHOE: Oh, I'd like that. [Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pink clothes.] ROSS: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part. RACH: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now. [The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's laundry cart.] RACH: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart. WOMAN: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way. [Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart back.] RACH: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart. WOMAN: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it. RACH: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules! WOMAN: Let go! [They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.] RACH: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it! [She thinks it over, and then walks away.] RACH: [to Ross] Yes! Did you see that? ROSS: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen. RACH: I could not have done this without you. [Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.] ROSS: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? [Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.] I'm fine, I'm fine. RACH: Are you sure? ROSS: No. [Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Ross has an icepack to his head.] RACH: Oh, are you sure you're ok? ROSS: Yeah. RACH: Does it still hurt? ROSS: Yeah. PHOE: [seeing Rachel's clothes] What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this. [Monica and Joey enter.] MNCA: Hi. PHOE: Hey, how'd it go? JOEY: Excellent. MNCA: We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves. ROSS: What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way. MNCA: [notices his head] Oh, I'm sorry. RACH: Where's Chandler? PHOE: Oh, he needed some time to grieve. [Chandler runs by the window outside, joyous.] CHAN: I'm free! I'm free! PHOE: That oughta do it. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x05 - The One With the East German Laundry Detergent"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider. Transcribed by guineapig. PRE-INTRO SCENE: A THEATRE (THE gng ARE IN THE AUDIENCE WAITING FOR A PLAY OF JOEY'S TO START) RACHEL: (READING THE PROGRAMME) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting! CHANDLER: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom... PHOEBE: The exclamation point in the title scares me. (GESTURING) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud! (THE LIGHTS DIM) ROSS: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen. (LIGHTS GO UP ON THE STAGE: JOEY (AS FREUD) TALKING TO A FEMALE PATIENT) JOEY: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (GOES INTO A SONG AND DANCE NUMBER) All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang... (INTRO) SCENE 1: THE THEATRE (JUST AFTER THE PLAY; EVERYONE IS APPLAUDING) (AS SOON AS THE CAST HAS LEFT THE gng ALL GROAN AND SIT DOWN HEAVILY) RACHEL: God. I feel violated. MONICA: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do? CHANDLER: (STARING AT A WOMAN ACROSS THE ROOM) Ross, ten o'clock. ROSS: Is it? Feels like two. CHANDLER: No, ten o'clock. ROSS: What? CHANDLER: (SIGHS AND GESTURES TO EXPLAIN) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock! ROSS: Oh. Hel-lo! CHANDLER: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men! MONICA: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone. CHANDLER: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.' RACHEL: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it! CHANDLER: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here. ROSS: He could never get a woman like that in a million years. CHANDLER: Thank you, buddy. PHOEBE: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys. MONICA: You could do that! CHANDLER: Y'think? ALL: Yeah! CHANDLER: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue... ROSS: C'mon! C'mon! CHANDLER: Here goes. (HE WALKS OVER TO HER BUT JUST STANDS THERE) AURORA: ...Yes? CHANDLER: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh... (CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY)...hi. AURORA: Yes, you said that. CHANDLER: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (WALKS BACK TO THE OTHERS BUT SHE CALLS HIM BACK) AURORA: Chandler? (ENTER JOEY FROM BEHIND A CURTAIN. THE OTHERS ALL TALK AT ONCE) ALL: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard! JOEY: Whadja think? (PAUSE) ALL: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard! JOEY: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head. ALL: (ADMITTING) Saw your head. Saw your head. CHANDLER: (RUNNING BACK) She said yes!! She said yes!! (TO JOEY) Awful play, man. Whoah. (TO ALL) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (TO JOEY) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (FISHES A CARD OUT OF HIS POCKET) RACHEL: What is it? JOEY: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me! PHOEBE: Based on this play? ...Based on this play! SCENE 2: CENTRAL PERK (ENTER CHANDLER; EVERYONE ELSE IS ALREADY THERE) CHANDLER: Hey, kids. ALL: Hey. PHOEBE: (READING MONICA'S PALM) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line. CHANDLER: Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went. MONICA: Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'? CHANDLER: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army... (FLASHBACK OF AURORA AND CHANDLER ON THEIR DATE IN CENTRAL PERK [denoted by italics]) AURORA: ...Luckily none of the bllts ht the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories. CHANDLER: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it. CHANDLER: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less. AURORA: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon. CHANDLER: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is? AURORA: 'We' would be me and Rick. JOEY: Who's Rick? CHANDLER: Who's Rick? AURORA: My husband. ALL: Ooooohhh. CHANDLER: Oh, so you're divorced? AURORA: No. CHANDLER: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully? AURORA: No, I'm still married. CHANDLER: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket? AURORA: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay with Ethan. CHANDLER: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan? AURORA: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend. ALL: What?! CHANDLER: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend? AURORA: I suppose mainly sexual. CHANDLER: ...Hm. MONICA: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out. CHANDLER: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story? MONICA: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this? CHANDLER: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy! PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy? ROSS: No, of course not! (THINKS) ...Yeah, yeah, it is. MONICA: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else? JOEY: I couldn't do it. MONICA: Good for you, Joey. JOEY: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is. ROSS: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking- (THEY ALL PRETEND TO FALL ASLEEP) ROSS: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know. MONICA: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us! ALL: Yeah! C'mon! ROSS: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey- (THEY ALL FALL ASLEEP AGAIN) SCENE 3: MONICA AND RACHEL'S (RACHEL IS THERE; ENTER ALL BUT JOEY) RACHEL: Tah-daaah! CHANDLER: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that. RACHEL: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for. ROSS: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask. RACHEL: Well, whaddya think? ALL: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific! MONICA: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman. ALL: Uh-oh... MONICA: How-how did that happen? RACHEL: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table. MONICA: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (MOVES IT) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while. PHOEBE: (TO RACHEL) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman. CHANDLER: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out. MONICA: You guys, I am not that bad! PHOEBE: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (PSYCHO) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! MONICA: That is so unfair! ROSS: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy! MONICA: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook. ROSS: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away. MONICA: Why not? ROSS: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice. MONICA: I could do that. RACHEL: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout. MONICA: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder. CHANDLER: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood... MONICA: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I? ROSS: Monica? You're Mom. (MONICA GASPS) PHOEBE: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! (ENTER JOEY ON THE PHONE) JOEY: Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (TO ALL) That was my agent. (TOSSES AND CATCHES PHONE) My agent has just gotten me a job- in the new Al Pacino movie! ALL: Oh my God! Whoah! MONICA: Well, what's the part? JOEY: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor! 'I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!' PHOEBE: Seriously, what-what's the part? JOEY: 'Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!' ROSS: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part? JOEY: ...I'm his (MUMBLES) RACHEL: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what? JOEY: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt. MONICA: (TRYING NOT TO LAUGH) Oh my God. JOEY: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! CHANDLER: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness. JOEY: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me! ROSS: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening? (AD BREAK) SCENE 4: MONICA AND RACHEL'S (MORNING) (MONICA IS GETTING THE DOOR) MONICA: Alright, alright, alright... (ENTER JOEY WITH MONICA'S PAPER- HE GIVES IT TO HER) JOEY: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer. MONICA: For what? JOEY: Whaddya think? Today's the big day! MONICA: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there. JOEY: Thank you! (GOES OFF TO THE BATHROOM) (ENTER CHANDLER WITH A PHONE) CHANDLER: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone. MONICA: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there! CHANDLER: C'mon, we're roommates! (HE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM, SCREAMS AND RUNS OUT) My eyes!! My eyes!! MONICA: I warned you... (ENTER RACHEL FROM HER ROOM) RACHEL: Who is being loud? CHANDLER: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast. MONICA: Oh, you got the whole night, huh? CHANDLER: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (HE STARTS TO RAID THE FRIDGE) RACHEL: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment? CHANDLER: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (HE HAS ARMLOADS OF STUFF) MONICA: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that. (SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND HE LEAVES) SCENE 5: FILM SET (JOEY IS ENTERING FOR HIS SCENE) DIRECTOR: (TO PHONE)...Dammit, hire the girl! (PUTS DOWN PHONE) Okay, everybody ready? JOEY: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity. DIRECTOR: Lose the robe. JOEY: Me? DIRECTOR: That would work. JOEY: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (TAKES IT OFF) And the robe is lost. DIRECTOR: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (SHOWER STARTS).. and... action. (JOEY STARTS TO SHOWER WITH A GRIM, DETERMINED LOOK ON HIS FACE) DIRECTOR: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing? JOEY: Well, I'm- I'm showering. DIRECTOR: No, that was clenching. JOEY: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dad, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here. DIRECTOR: I think his butt would like to get this sht before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that? JOEY: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask... SCENE 6: CHANDLER AND JOEY'S (AURORA AND CHANDLER ARE IN BED IN CHANDLER'S ROOM) CHANDLER: God, I love these fingers... AURORA: Thank you. CHANDLER: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are. AURORA: (MOVES CHANDLER'S ARM AND LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) Oh my God, I'm late. (STARTS TO GET UP) CHANDLER: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (KISSES HER AND PULLS HER BACK DOWN) AURORA: Okay. CHANDLER: Don't go. AURORA: Okay. Oh no, I have to. CHANDLER: (TO HIMSELF) Too bad, she's leaving. AURORA: (GETS UP AND DRESSES) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me. CHANDLER: Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick. AURORA: It's not Rick. CHANDLER: What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you! AURORA: No, it's-it's Andrew. CHANDLER: I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is? AURORA: He's... new. CHANDLER: Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself? AURORA: No, that's not exactly what I was.. CHANDLER: Well, y'know, most women would kll for three guys like us. AURORA: So what do you want? CHANDLER: You. AURORA: You have me! CHANDLER: Nono, just you. AURORA: Whaddyou mean? CHANDLER: Lose the other guys. AURORA: ...Like, ...all of them? CHANDLER: C'mon, we're great together, why not? AURORA: Why can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's what you wanted too. CHANDLER: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!' AURORA: So... which one of the two guys will you listen to? CHANDLER: I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish... AURORA: Which one? CHANDLER: ...The second guy. AURORA: (GETS UP TO LEAVE) Well, call me if you change your mind. (SHE KISSES HIM. HE HOLDS HER AND KISSES HER PASSIONATELY) CHANDLER: Sorry, the first guy runs the lips. (SHE LEAVES. CHANDLER SIGHS AND FALLS BACK ON HIS BED) SCENE 7: RACHEL AND MONICA'S (ROSS IS TRYING TO COMFORT CHANDLER. JOEY IS ABSENT) ROSS: Look at it this way: you dumped her. Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again? (ENTER JOEY) ALL: Hey! MONICA: Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie? JOEY: Nope. ROSS: No? What happened, big guy? CHANDLER: (TO ROSS) 'Big guy'? ROSS: It felt like a 'big guy' moment. JOEY: I got fired. ALL: Oh! JOEY: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and- RACHEL: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell. JOEY: My mom will. CHANDLER: Something so sweet and... disturbing about that. JOEY: Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six years. And I finally get my sht, and I blow it! MONICA: Maybe this wasn't your sht. ROSS: Yeah, I mean- I think when it's your sht, y'know, you-you know it's your sht. Did it- feel like your sht..? JOEY: Hard to tell, I was naked. PHOEBE: No, I don't think this was your sht. I mean, I don't even think you just get one sh*t. I really believe big things are gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'. JOEY: Yeah? That's so nice! (THEY HUG) (ROSS AND CHANDLER LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND HUG AS WELL) MONICA: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed, guys. ALL: Night. RACHEL: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your shoes out here? MONICA: (DETERMINED) Uh-huh! RACHEL: Really? Just casually strewn about in that reckless haphazard manner? MONICA: Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or not. Whenever. (GOES TO HER ROOM) ROSS: She is a kook. (CLOSING CREDITS) CREDITS SCENE: MONICA IN BED (SHE IS WIDE AWAKE) MONICA: (HUMS FOR A WHILE, THEN GIVES UP.) (VOICEOVER) If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (BURIES HER HEAD IN HER PILLOW) END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x06 - The One With the Butt"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. Transcribed by Ruth Curran. Converted to HTML by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the crowd.] RACH: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay. [applause] PHOE: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. [plays a chord, then the lights go out] OK, thank you very much. [Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank. Chandler is inside. The lights go out, and he realizes he is trapped inside.] CHAN: Oh, great. This is just... [Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a gesture of quiet exuberance.] Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is on the phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are there.] RACH: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out! MNCA: Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and Queens, and they have no idea when it's coming back on. RACH: Wow, you guys, this is big. MNCA: [into phone] Pants and a sweater? Why, mom? Who am I gonna meet in a blackout? Power company guys? Eligible looters? Could we talk about this later? OK. [hangs up] PHOE: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. [to Monica] What's my number? [Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe strangely.] PHOE: Well, I never call me. [Scene: ATM vestibule. Jill Goodacre is on the cellular phone. Chandler's thoughts are in italics.] CHAN: Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre. JILL: [on phone] Hi Mom, it's Jill. CHAN: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! [pause] Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot! JILL: [on phone] Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule. CHAN: Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule. JILL: [on phone] I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some guy. CHAN: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy. [Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.] [Scene: Monica's apartment. Joey enters with a menorah, the candles lit.] JOEY: Hi everyone. ROSS: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani. JOEY: Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyone. PHOE: [at window] Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles. [They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.] RACH: That had to hurt! [Scene: ATM vestibule.] CHAN: Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile! [Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweetly.] CHAN: There you go! [He continues to smile like an idiot, and she looks frightened.] CHAN: You're definitely scaring here. JILL: [awkwardly] Would you like to call somebody? [offering phone] CHAN: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks. [takes phone] [Scene: Monica's apartment. The phone rings; it's Chandler.] MNCA: Hello? CHAN: Hey, it's me. MNCA: [to everyone] It's Chandler! [on phone] Are you OK? CHAN: Yeah, I'm fine. [trying to cover up what he is saying] I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr. MNCA: What? CHAN: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr! MNCA: I have no idea what you just said. CHAN: [angry] Put Joey on the phone. JOEY: What's up man? CHAN: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR. JOEY: [to everyone] Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! [on phone] Chandler, listen. [says something intentionally garbled] CHAN: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind. [Scene: Monica's apartment, time has passed. The five are sitting around the coffee table talking.] RACH: Alright, somebody. MNCA: OK, I'll go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool table. ALL: Whoooaa! ROSS: That's my sister. JOEY: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York CIty public library. MNCA: Oh my God! What were you doing in a library? ROSS: Phoebs, what about you? PHOE: Oh... Milwaukee. RACH: Um... Ross? ROSS: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All.' ALL: No way! ROSS: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom. PHOE: Oh, Rachel. RACH: Oh come on, I already went. MNCA: You did not go! ALL: Come on. RACH: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... [sigh]... oh, the foot of the bed. ROSS: Step back. JOEY: We have a winner! [Scene: Time passes once again. Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe are out of the room.] RACH: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park. ROSS: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line. RACH: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf course. ROSS: Come on. RACH: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us. ROSS: [sarcastically] And you didn't marry him because...? RACH: I mean, do you think there are people who go through life never having that kind of... ROSS: Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated. RACH: Yeah right. ROSS: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff. RACH: [sigh] OK. ROSS: But, um... I don't think that's going to be you. RACH: You don't. ROSS: Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your future. RACH: Really? ROSS: Mmmm. RACH: You do? ROSS: I do. RACH: Oh Ross, you're so great. [she playfully rubs his head and gets up] [Ross gets up, pleased with himself.] JOEY: It's never gonna happen. ROSS: [innocently] What? JOEY: You and Rachel. ROSS: [acts surprised] What? [pause] Why not? JOEY: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone. ROSS: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone. JOEY: Ross, you're mayor of the zone. ROSS: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to... JOEY: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever. ROSS: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment. [Joey looks at him] What? What, now? JOEY: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight? You've just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' [Rachel comes into the room behind them] ROSS: Shhhh! RACH: What are you shushing? ROSS: We're shushing... because... we're trying to hear something. Listen. [everyone is silent] Don't you hear that? RACH: Ahhhh! ROSS: See? RACH: Huh. [she agrees, but looks very confused] [Scene: ATM vestibule.] JILL: Would you like some gum? CHAN: Um, is it sugarless? JILL: [checks] Sorry, it's not. CHAN: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it. [Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe is singing.] PHOE: [singing] New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la... [she writes the lyrics down] ROSS: [to Joey] OK, here goes. JOEY: Are you going to do it? ROSS: I'm going to do it. JOEY: Do you want any help? ROSS: You come out there, you're a dad man. JOEY: Good luck, man. ROSS: Thanks. [Joey hugs him] OK. JOEY: OK. [Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel] [Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.] JOEY: Hey, where are you going? MNCA: Outside. JOEY: You can't go out there. MNCA: Why not? JOEY: Because of... the reason. MNCA: And that would be? JOEY: I, um, can't tell you. MNCA: Joey, what's going on? JOEY: OK, you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell Ross that I told you. MNCA: About what? JOEY: He's planning your birthday party. MNCA: Oh my God! I love him! JOEY: [as Phoebe enters] You'd better act surprised. PHOE: About what? MNCA: My surprise party! PHOE: What surprise party? MNCA: Oh stop it. Joey already told me. PHOE: Well, he didn't tell me. JOEY: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing. PHOE: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything. MNCA: No, you are not. We tell you stuff. PHOE: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in. [Monica gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks surprised but pleased] Looks like I was second to last. [Scene: The infamous balcony. Ross and Rachel are talking.] RACH: Hmmm... this is so nice. ROSS: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment. RACH: OK. ROSS: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been wanting to, um.... RACH: Ohhh!!!! [looking at something behind Ross] ROSS: Yes, yes, that's right... RACH: Oh, look at the little cat! [a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross] ROSS: What? [the cat jumps on his shoulders] Ow! [Scene: Inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.] MNCA/JOEY/PHOE: [singing] I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found ever since... COMMERCIAL [Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica is treating the scratches on Ross' back. Joey is holding the menorah over the wound.] MNCA: [to Ross] This is just Bactine. It won't hurt. [Ross flinches in pain.] JOEY: Sorry, that was wax. PHOE: Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We should find his owner. ROSS: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall? RACH: During a blackout? He'd get trampled! ROSS: [nonchalantly] Yeah? [Scene: ATM vestibule.] CHAN: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. [Jill gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look] 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself. [Scene: The hallway of Monica's building. Phoebe and Rachel are trying to find the cat's owner.] PHOE: [stops at a door] Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things, right? RACH: Oh. [they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles answers] Hi. We just found this cat and we're looking for the owner. HECK: Er, yeah, it's mine. PHOE: [trying to hold back the struggling cat] He seems to hate you. Are you sure? HECK: Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat. PHOE: Wait a minute. What's his name? HECK: Ehhhh... B-Buttons. RACH: Bob Buttons? HECK: Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons. PHOE: [the cat runs away from her] Oooh! You are a very bad man! HECK: [as Phoebe and Rachel leave] You owe me a cat. [Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own to look for the cat's owner.] RACH: Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty. Where did you go, little kitty-kitty-kitty? Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty... [While looking at the floor for the cat, Rachel runs into a pair of legs. She slowly gets up and sees a gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat. Who, by the way, you'll hate very, very soon. The man. Not the cat.] PAOLO: [something Italian] RACH: Wow. [she exhales in amazement, blwing the candle out] [Scene: Apartment. Ross, Monica, and Joey are playing Monopoly.] ROSS: [rolling] Lucky sixes.... RACH: [entering with Paolo, arm in arm] Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to meet my friends. This is Monica. MNCA: [smitten] Hi! RACH: And Joey.... MNCA: Hi! RACH: And Ross. MNCA: Hi! PAOLO: [something in Italian] RACH: [proudly] He doesn't speak much English. PAOLO: [pointing at game] Monopoly! RACH: Look at that! ROSS: [jealous] So, um... where did Paolo come from? RACH: Oh... Italy, I think. ROSS: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives. RACH: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat! ROSS: That, that is funny... [to Joey].... and Rachel keeps touching him. [Phoebe enters.] PHOE: Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere. RACH: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat. PHOE: Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And I'm guessing... since nobody told me... this is Paolo. RACH: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe. PAOLO: [something in Italian, he is apparently attracted to Phoebe] PHOE: [smiling] You betcha! [Scene: ATM vestibule.] CHAN: [chewing gum] Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go. [Chandler waits until Jill is looking, then starts to blow a bubble. But instead of blow one, he accidentally spits the gum out of his mouth and hits the wall.] CHAN: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth. [Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in his mouth.] CHAN: Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... [grimacing] ..chewing someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're choking. [Chandler starts to choke.] JILL: Are you alright? [Chandler tries to save face and makes the 'OK' sign with his hands, while obviously unable to breathe.] JILL: My God, you're choking! [she runs over and gives him the Heimlich, the gum flies from his mouth] That better? CHAN: [gasping] Yes... thank you. That was... that was.... JILL: Perfection? [Scene: Monica's apartment. Rachel and Paolo are at the window. Ross and Joey are watching disgustedly.] PAOLO: [something romantic in Italian about Rachel and the stars] ROSS: [mocking Paolo] Blah blah blah, blah blah blah... blah blaaaaaah.... [Rachel walks away from Paolo, laughing.] ROSS: Wha-What did he say that was so funny? RACH: I have absolutely no idea. ROSS: That's... that's classic. RACH: [to Monica and Phoebe] Oh my God, you guys, what am I doing? What am I doing? This is so un-me! MNCA: If you want, I'll do it. [Ross looks at Joey.] PHOE: I know, I just want to bite his bottom lip. [Rachel looks at her] But I won't. RACH: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry. PHOE: You know, did you ride mopeds? 'Cause I've heard... [they stare at her]... oh, I see... it's not about that right now. OK. RACH: Y'know, I know it's totally superficial and we have absolutely nothing in common, and we don't even speak the same language but Goooooooddddddd.... [Scene: The other side of the apartment. Ross has gone over to straighten things out with Paolo.] ROSS: Paolo. Hi. PAOLO: Ross! [Ross notices that Paolo is standing on a step, which makes him taller. Ross gets up on the same step so he can look down at Paolo.] ROSS: Listen. Um, listen. Something you should... know... um, Rachel and I... we're kind of a thing. PAOLO: Thing? ROSS: Thing, yes. Thing. PAOLO: Ah, you... have the sex? ROSS: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know, and if you get in the.... um... PAOLO: Bed? ROSS: No, no, that's not where I was going. Er, if you get in the... way, of us becoming a thing, then I would be, well, very sad. PAOLO: Oh! ROSS: Yeah! Se vice? PAOLO: Si. ROSS: So you do know a little English. PAOLO: Poco... a leetle. ROSS: Do you know the word crapweasel? PAOLO: No. ROSS: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel! [They hug.] [Scene: ATM vestibule. Chandler and Jill are sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.] JILL: Chandler, we've been here for an hour doing this! Now watch, it's easy. CHAN: OK. JILL: Ready? [she swings the pen around her head in a circle] [Chandler tries to do the same thing but the pen hits him in the head.] JILL: No, you've got to whip it. [He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost hits him again.] [Scene: Monica's apartment. The g*ng is all sitting around the table.] PHOE: Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... [time lapse]... negative 46, negative 47, negative 48.... [someone blows it out, the room gets completely dark] ROSS: Thank you. PHOE: Thanks. ROSS: Kinda... spooky without any lights. JOEY: [does a maniacal laugh] Bwah-hah-hah! [Everyone starts to imitate him.] ROSS: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah... [The lights come back on, and Rachel and Paolo are making out. Ross clutches his chest.] ROSS: Oh.. oh... oh. JOEY: Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica. Closing Credits [Scene: ATM vestibule. The power has come back on.] JILL: Well, this has been fun. CHAN: Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone... and for saving my life. JILL: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. [she kisses him on the cheek] See ya. [She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns to the security camera and starts talking to it.] CHAN: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x07 - The One With the Blackout"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Marta Kaufmann and David Crane. Transcribed by guineapig. Special thanks to Rachel Stigge for correcting my Italian. [Pre- intro scene: Chandler's office block. Chandler is on a coffee break.] [Enter Shelley] Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going? Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this? Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you. Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'... Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday? Chandler: Yes please. Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's- Chandler: He's a he? Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now- [backs out of the room] -okay, goodbye... [Opening credits] [Scene 1: Mon+Rach's. Everyone is there.] Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that? Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be... Chandler: You did? Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not. Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me? Monica: I did. Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah. Joey: Not me. Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did. Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't? Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so... [Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler's look and abruptly stops] Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me? Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny... Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him? All: Yeah! Right! Chandler: WHAT IS IT?! Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality. All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality. Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this. [Phone rings; Mon gets it] Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome. Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! [Takes phone] Bon giorno, caro mio. Ross: [To Joey] So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome. Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. [Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler] I'm talking to Rome. Monica: Hey dad, what's up? Oh God. Ross, it's Nana. [Scene 2: Hospital. Mr.+Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter. Everyone says hi and kisses] Ross: So, uh, how's she doing? Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of hours. Monica: How-how are you, Mom? Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're here. ...What's with your hair? Monica: What? Mrs. Geller: What's different? Monica: Nothing. Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it. [Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee, and talks to him aside] Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is... Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cover. Monica: Oh God! [They hug. Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana] Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse. Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n' Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants. Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house. [The nurse comes out of Nana's room] Nurse: Mrs. Geller? [Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana's room] Ross: She looks so small. Monica: I know. Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now. Monica: G'bye, Nana. [She kisses her on the forehead] Ross: Bye, Nana. [He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room] Monica: Ross! [Ross runs out too] Mrs. Geller: What is going on?! Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed? Well, she's not, quite.. Mrs. Geller: What? Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back. Aunt Lillian: [Reentering] What's going on? Mr. Geller: She may have died. Aunt Lillian: She may have died? Mr. Geller: We're looking into it. [Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana's room] Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. [He goes in] Nurse: This almost never happens! [Nana passes for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket over her. Ross and Monica go to tell the family] Ross: Now she's passed. [Scene 3: Central Perk. The other four are there] Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair? Rachel: [Exasperated] Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair. Phoebe: Yeah, you have hm hair. [Enter Monica and Ross] Rachel: So, um, did she... Ross: Twice. Joey: Twice? Phoebe: Oh, that sucks! Joey: You guys okay? Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel, uh... Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone. Ross: Nono, she's gone. Monica: We checked. A lot. Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? [She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously] Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her. Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? [Gives her a pencil] Phoebe: Thanks! Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning. Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dad, you're dad! You're gone! You're worm food! [Realises his tactlessness] ...So Chandler looks gay, huh? Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie. [Hands back the pencil] [Scene 4: Nana's house. Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes] Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket. Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice! [They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers] Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there? Ross: [Sarcastic] I don't see why not. [He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout] Ross: Here's my retainer! [Scene 5: Mon+Rach's. Monica is talking to her father] Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes- Monica: Dad! Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea. Monica: You what? Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun. Monica: Define fun. Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch... Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun. Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'. Monica: That's probably what they'll say. Mr. Geller: I'd like that. [Scene 6: Chandler's office block. Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters] Chandler: Hey, gorgeous. Shelley: [Sheepish] Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um- Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake. Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew! Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me? Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a... Chandler: ...Quality, right, great. Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell would've made a great couple. Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with? Shelley: What? He's cute! Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll. Shelley: Is Brian...? Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him. Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league. Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not. [Cut to Nana's] Ross: [Holding a dress out from inside the closet] This one? Aunt Lillian: No. Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the gn. Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong one. Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the gn. Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. [Starts to climb over the furniture] Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes! [Ross falls back inside] Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? [Holds out a pair] Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe. Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier? Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel? Ross: [Forages around] Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the gn. I can show you something in a silver that may work. Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be gn. Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress? Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back. [He finds a shoebox (out of sht), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Los.] Ross: Oh my God.. Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear? Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff. [He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox lid. Sweet 'n' Los rain down on him] [Commercial] [Scene 7: Mon+Rach's. Mon+Rach are preparing to leave for the funeral] Ross: [Entering] How we doing, you guys ready? Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature? Ross: Some days it's all I can think about. Phoebe: [Entering] Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings. Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings? Phoebe: What'd I say? Rachel: [Sticking her foot out]Hm-m. Monica: Are these the shoes? Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy. Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...? Joey: [Entering with Chandler] Morning. We ready to go? Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it? [They all leave] [Scene 8: The cemetary, after the funeral] Monica: It was a really beautiful service. Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. [Hugs her] Y'know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream. [Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching] Joey: What? Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger. Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. [He has a pocket TV] Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral? Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception. Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man. [Rachel steps in a patch of mud] Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes! Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined. Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise! Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though Nana's gone there's, there's something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- [Not looking where he is going he falls into an open grave] All: God! Ross! Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear realised... [Scene 9: The wake, at the Gellers' house. Ross is lying on his back, with Phoebe squatting over him, checking to see if he's injured] Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm...huh. Ross: What, what is it? Phoebe: You missed a belt loop. Ross: Oh! No-n- Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm. Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident. [Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears] [Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat] Chandler: Oh, no- Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter. Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is. [They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. He is obviously very stoned] Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel? Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great. Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh? Ross: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister [Kisses Mon], I love Pheebs.. [Hugs her] Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice... Ross: ...Chandler! Chandler: Hey. Ross: [Hugs him] And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me. Andrea: [Turns to a friend] You were right. [They walk off and leave Chandler.] Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. [Sits down beside her] I love you the most. Rachel: [Humouring him] Oh, well you know who I love the most? Ross: No. Rachel: You! Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! [Passes out and slumps across her] [Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment] Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there? Joey: [Hides the TV, but he still has an earphone] Just a, uh... hearing disability. Mr. Geller: What's the score? Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to go in the third. Mr. Geller: Beautiful! [Turns to watch with him] [Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game] Rachel: [Still trapped under Ross] Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a crcker? Mrs. Geller: [To Mon] Your grandmother would have hated this. Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all. Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dad'. Monica: That sounds like Nana. Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is critical of every single thing you say? Monica: ...I can imagine. Mrs. Geller: I'm telling you, it's a wonder your mother turned out to be the positive, life-affirming person that she is. Monica: That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her? Mrs. Geller: Tell her what? Monica: How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail, like your hair... for example. Mrs. Geller: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at. Monica: Do you think things would have been better if you'd just told her the truth? Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get along. Monica: Huh. Mrs. Geller: More wine, dear? Monica: Oh, I think so. Mrs. Geller: [Reaches out to fiddle with Mon's hair again, and realises] Those earrings look really lovely on you. Monica: Thank you. They're yours. Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's. [There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd of men.] Mr. Geller: Now I'm depressed! ...[To everyone] Even more than I was. [Scene 10: Central Perk. The gng are looking at old photos] Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy? Ross: That little naked guy would be me. Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing. Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now? Chandler: Who are those people? Ross: Got me. Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. [Reads the back] 'Me and the gng at Java Joe's'. Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there? Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25? Ross: Looks like a fun gng. [They all look at each other and smile] Joey: Ooh, look look look look look! I got Monica naked! Ross: [Looking] Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something. [End credits. Scene: Chandler's office block, yet another coffee break. Enter Lowell...] Chandler: Hey, Lowell. Lowell: Hey, Chandler. Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial Services? Lowell: It's like Mardi Gras without the paper mache heads. How 'bout you? Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not. Lowell: I know. That's what I told her. Chandler: Really. Lowell: Yeah. Chandler: So- you can tell? Lowell: Pretty much, most of the time. We have a kind of... radar. Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality? Lowell: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is. Chandler: He is? Lowell: Yup, and waaay out of your league. [Exits] Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. [Brian enters behind him] If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. [Sees him] Hey, Brian. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x08 - The One Where Nana Dies Twice"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss, Terry.] Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my salary? Terry: An advance? Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started the whole independence thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job. Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful. Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? (everyone in the place raises their hand) Oh, look at that. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a customer.] Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do you think there's a possibility that you could give me an advance on my tips? Guy: Huh? Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill before. (picks up the tip he leaves) Only $98.50 to go. (Monica enters.) Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving? Ross: No, they're not. Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them. Ross: You're wrong. Monica: I am not wrong. Ross: You're wrong. Monica: No, I just talked to them. Ross: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom. (Joey enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.) Joey: Hey, hey. Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup? Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model. Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman. Phoebe: What were you modeling for? Joey: You know those posters for the city free clinic? Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"? Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute. Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be? Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (crosses fingers) Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it. Joey: Thanks. (Ross comes back to the couch.) Ross: (to Monica) Well, you were right. How can they do this to us, huh? It's Thanksgiving. Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at my place? I'll make it just like Mom's. Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps? Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... (Ross looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home, right? Joey: Yeah. Monica: And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays. Chandler: Yes, every single one of them. Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma? Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar. Monica: So you're free Thursday, then. Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come? Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Vail? Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go. Chandler: I thought it was $98.50. Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup. Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's. Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her? Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner. [Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross enters.] Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here? Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting. Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...Susan: Come in. Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to the museum. Susan: What's it look like? Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin. Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look for it. Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian. Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it. Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic. Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby. Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that mean you're... crazy? Susan: What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there? Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it? Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice. Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me? Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time. Ross: Really? Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Rachel.] Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that I should get some belly time too. Not that I believe any of this. Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say. Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head. (Rachel enters.) Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money? Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop. Monica: Rach, here's your mail. Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table. Monica: (insistently) No, here's your mail. Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table. Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you just open it? (Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.) Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great. Monica: We all chipped in. Joey: (to Monica) We did? Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks. Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much! Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns. Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday? Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old. Ross: Oh, I hate this story. Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced. Rachel: Oh my god. Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse. [Scene: The subway, Joey spots a gorgeous woman waiting. He goes up to her.] Joey: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together. Girl: We did? Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Aramis guy. (pretends to spray cologne) Aramis? Aramis? Girl: Yeah, right. Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business. Girl: Get out. Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay back. Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me. Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing? Girl: (provocatively) Nothing. Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something? Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind Joey) Oh. Joey: What's wrong? Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something. Joey: Oh. What? Girl: Um, leave. Joey: Wait, wait, wait! (Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. The poster says: What Mario isn't telling you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayed all over New York City.) [Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amongst snickers from the gng.] Joey: So I guess you all saw it. Rachel: Saw what? Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.] Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD. Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is standing in the doorway, not wanting to participate in the festivities.] Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's turking, yams are yamming. (notices Ross is depressed) What? Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen. Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out of my way and stop moping. Ross: That's closer. (Rachel enters, excited.) Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop. Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping. Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff. Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already? Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment. (Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of Chandler's face.) Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie! Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore. (Chandler leaves.) Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tater tots. Monica: That's not a question. Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease. Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and in the form of tots. Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child. (Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his hand away.) Monica: Ah! Ross: Ok, Mom never ht. (Ross exits.) Phoebe: (stirring pot) Ok, all done. Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needs lumps! Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions. Monica: Why would we do that? Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died. Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up. Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. (she starts to leave, and hits everyone with her skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry! (Chandler enters, running.) Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten away. Joey: The balloon? Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me? Rachel: I can't, I gotta go. Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen? Phoebe: Almost never. Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys! Rachel: Ok. (Everyone leaves the apartment.) [Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to her belly.] Carol: Anytime you're ready. Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. (he crouches down near her stomach) Ok, where am I talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that seems to offer a certain acoustical advantage, but... Carol: Just aim for the bump. Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know, can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel stupid. Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan does it. Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming back from the roof.] Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the park. Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to sh*t him down? I mean, that was just mean. Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here? Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys. Monica: No I don't. Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, "got the keys." Monica: No I didn't. I asked, "got the ke-eys?" Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys". Chandler: Do either of you have the keys? Monica: (panicked) The oven is on. Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket! Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key. Monica: Well then get it, get it! Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster. Monica: (angry) Joey! Joey: That one will. (Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.) [Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her stomach.] Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore. Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can sing to it if you want. Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your stomach, ok? (Susan enters.) Susan: Hi, how's it goin? Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin' down the street, get the funniest looks from, everyone we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you just feel that? Carol: I did. Ross: Does it always, uh--? Carol: No, no that was the first. Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing! Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo. Susan: I felt it! Ross: (singin) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts. [Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, and is trying each one in the lock.] Joey: Nope, not that one. Monica: Can you go any faster with that? Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do the math. Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway? Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like this. Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right, listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman do this (makes a gesture like a stewardess pointing out exits) right now. But I'm not. Monica: I swear you said you had the keys. Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys. Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys. (Short pause.) Monica: Why would I have the keys? Rachel: Aside from the fact that you said you had them? Monica: But I didn't. Rachel: Well, you should have. Monica: Why? Rachel: Because! Monica: Why? Rachel: Because! Monica: Why? Because everything is my responsibility? Isn't it enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You know, everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! (starting to cry) Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his tots, and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all brned, and, and I... I... Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go. (They walk in. Smoke fills the apartment.) Monica: Well, the turkey's burnt. (checking pots) Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined. (Ross enters, singing.) Ross: Here we come, walkin' down the—this doesn't smell like Mom's. Monica: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? (picks up the pan of badly burnt potatoes) Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one. Rachel: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so it looks like I'm stuck here with you guys. Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's first choice. Monica: Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make this delicious Thanksgiving dinner? Joey: You call that delicious? (all shouting) Monica: Stop it, stop it, stop it! Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving. [Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each other. Phoebe is at the window.] Phoebe: Ooh. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven. Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal. (They all run to the window.) Joey: I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy! Monica: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing! Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone. [Time lapse. The g*ng is around the table, eating grilled cheese sandwiches.] Chandler: Shall I carve? Rachel: By all means. Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese? Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese. Monica: (holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this with me? Joey: Oh, I will. Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish. Monica: Make a wish? Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for? Joey: The bigger half. Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked. All: That's so sweet. Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas. Rachel: And a crappy New Year. Chandler: Here, here! Closing Credits [Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster and he peels off the caption on his poster, revealing more posters underneath. The captions read, as follows: Bladder Control Problem Stop Wife Beating Hemorrhoids? Winner of 3 Tony Awards... He's finally happy with that and walks away.] End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x09 - The One where Underdog Gets Away"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider. Transcribed by guineapig. [Pre-intro scene: Mon+Rach's place. Enter Ross] Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet. [A monkey (guess who?) jumps on to his shoulder.] All: Oooh! Monica: W-wait. What is that? Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi? Monica: No, no, I don't. Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him? Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab. Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel? Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass! Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment? Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so... Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate? Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- [Realises] ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'. [Intro] [Scene 1: Central Perk. Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey is not there] Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's su1c1de, and one about a snowman. Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman. [Enter Joey] All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy. Monica: So, how'd it go? Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job. Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year. Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political. Monica: So what are you gonna be? Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know? Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? [They all protest and ht her with cushions] Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's? Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud! Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you. Phoebe: Yeah, you wish! Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner. All: Yeah, okay. Alright. Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm. All: Woooo! Yeah! Rachel: Phoebe, you're on. Phoebe: Oh, oh, good. Rachel: [Into microphone] Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh! Phoebe: [Takes mike] Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. [Shakes bell as an introduction] [Sung:] I made a man with eyes of coal And a smile so bewitchin', How was I supposed to know That my mom was dad in the kitchen? [shakes bell] La lalala la la la la lalala la la... [Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.] Phoebe: [Sung] ...My mother's ashes Even her eyelashes Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it's breezy... [Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max and David, having a noisy discussion] Phoebe: [Sung] ...I feel a little sneezy And now I- [abruptly stops] Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! [They stop talking and look up] Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group? Max: No. No, that's- that's okay. Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear! Chandler: [Quietly, to the others] That guy's going home with a note! David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my- Phoebe: Could you speak up please? David: [Stands up and speaks more loudly] Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thought Max: Daryl Hannah. David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a Max: Hard quality. David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling. [Sits down] Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. [Goes over to their table] Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note! [Scene 2: Mon+Rach's apartment. Again, no Joey. The gng are decorating for Christmas] Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. [Marcel wanders off] Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much? Ross: Just a smidge. Phoebe: David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical. Monica: I think it's romantic. Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman? Rachel: Yeah! Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions... Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact. Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just? Chandler: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice. Monica: What?! Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact! Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped. Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history! Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped! [Enter Joey. His shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.] Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late. [He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume] Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey! Joey: Nice shoes, huh? [He wiggles his foot and the bells tinkle] Chandler: Aah, y'klling me! [Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools] Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again! Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right? Monica: Do you always have to bring him here? Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some faeces... Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you. Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me. Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie. [Scene 3: Max and David's lab. David is explaining something to Phoebe with the aid of a whiteboard.] David: ...But, you can't actually test this theory, because today's particle accelerators are nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions. Phoebe: Okay, alright, I have a question, then. David: Yuh. Phoebe: Um, were you planning on kissing me ever? David: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be [Writes YES on the board] yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you. Phoebe: Sure. David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella. Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's body. David: Rrrreally. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me. David: ...Now? Now? Phoebe: Oh yeah, right now. David: Okay, okay, okay. [Gets ready to sweep, and then picks up a laptop computer] Y'know what, this was just really expensive. [Puts it down elsewhere. Then picks up a microscope] And I'll take- this was a gift. [Moves it] Phoebe: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying. David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. [Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe] You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop? Phoebe: I can hop. [She hops onto the table] [They kiss, finally] [Scene 4: Central Perk] Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you? Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby. Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby? Monica: Yeah. Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby? Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob. Rachel: [Brings Joey a mug of coffee] Okay, here we go... Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk! Rachel: [Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee] There. Now there is. Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates. Joey: Uh, four. Ross: Four. Rachel: Five. Ross: Five. [Buries his head in his hands] Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight. Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What's an elf to do? Ross: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball drops? Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's with who. Ross: Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed right now. Monica: What's the matter? Ross: Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's walking around all the time dragging his hands... Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night. Ross: Really. Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing. Ross: What, uh... what juggling thing? Chandler: With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that. Ross: No. Chandler: Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon... [Max runs in] Max: Phoebe. Hi. Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody? Max: No. Have you seen David? Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around. Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk. Phoebe: Minsk? Max: Minsk. It's in Russia. Phoebe: I know where Minsk is. Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid. Phoebe: So when, when do you leave? Max: January first. [Commercial] [Scene 5: Max and David's lab. They are working. Phoebe knocks on the door] Phoebe: Hello? David: Hey! Phoebe: Hi. David: Hi! [Kisses her] What-what're you doing here? Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so [Puts on a fake cheery voice] congratulations! This is so exciting! Max: It'd be even more exciting if we were going. Phoebe: Oh, you're not going? [Fake disappointed voice] Oh, why? Max: Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and work with Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with my girlfriend!!' [Storms out] David: Thank you, Max. Thank you. Phoebe: So-so you're really not going? David: I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just- you decide. Phoebe: Oh don't do that. David: Please. Phoebe: Oh no no. David: No, but I'm asking- Phoebe: Oh, but I can't do that- David: No, but I can't- Phoebe: It's your thing, and- David: -make the decision- Phoebe: Okay, um, stay. David: Stay. Phoebe: Stay. [He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table] Phoebe: Getting so good at that! [She hops on] David: It was Max's stuff. [They kiss] [Scene 6: Mon+Rach's- the party] Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! [Laughs her Janice laugh] Chandler: You remember Janice. Monica: Vividly. [Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it] Monica: Hi. Sandy: Hi, I'm Sandy. Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! [She enters, followed by a young boy and a younger girl]...You brought your kids. Sandy: Yeah. That's okay, right? [Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder] Ross: Par-tay! Monica: That thing is not coming in here. Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home? Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table. Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened... Monica: Alright. Just keep him away from me. Ross: Thank you. [She walks off] C'mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a little mingling? [Marcel runs off] Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later. [The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look] Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-where's Paolo? Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight. Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated? Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blwing my attck whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I ht my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? [To Monica] Are people eating my dip? [Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom] Sandy: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever mentlly undressed an elf. Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty. Sandy: Yeah. [They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them] Joey: Hey, kids... Ross: [Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler] Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in. Janice: [Startles them] There you are! Haaah, you got away from me! Chandler: [Imitating] But you found me! Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. [Hands him a camera and he starts snapping] Smile! You're on Janice Camera! Chandler: kll me. kll me now. [Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks through the spyhole] Monica: Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby! [Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously very depressed] Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh, grandfather, he- died about two hours ago. But I-I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I am! Joey: [Approaching] Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who died? [Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's back] [Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather. Everyone else is virtually in tears] Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see him again. Janice: [Ross is still taking their photo] Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter. Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we- Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no. Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood... Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me. [She runs off] [Ross is still taking photos] Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. [Snatches the camera] [David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up] Phoebe: Hi, Max! Max: Yoko. [To David] I've decided to go to Minsk without you. David: Wow. Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.[Walks off] Phoebe: Are you alright? David: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. [Phoebe leads David into a bedroom] Phoebe: You're going to Minsk. David: No, I'm... not going to Minsk. Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me. David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can't break up with you. Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say [Hits him] 'no! No! I can't understand that!'. David: Uh, ow. Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. [He does so] And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me. David: I'll never forget you. Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. [They kiss] I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy. Dick Clark (TV): Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square... [Joey puts a blanket over Sandy's kids] Joey: There y'go, kids. Chandler: [To a woman who he has clearly just met] And then the peacock bit me. [Laughs] Please kiss me at midnight. [She leaves] Joey: You seen Sandy? Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you. Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing. The gng [in the kitchen]: What? Rachel: The bll is drrbing! Dick Clark (TV): In twenty seconds it'll be midnight... Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us. Joey: Looks like that no date pact thing worked out. Phoebe: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that. Monica: Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby! [Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnight comes and everyone at the party except for the gng cheers and kisses] Chandler: Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. [Makes kiss noise] Phoebe: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight. Rachel: I can't kiss anyone. Monica: So I'm kissing everyone? Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your brother. Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's getting kissed but me. Chandler: Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me! Joey: Alrightalrightalright. [Kisses him. Ross takes a photo] There. [Credits] [Credits scene: Still the party. Time lapse] Ross: [Watching Marcel and talking to Rachel] I wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas... but he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the fact that something you love so much doesn't love you back. Rachel: ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x10 - The One With the Monkey"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: guineapig [Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.] Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news? Monica: Why? Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right. Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression. Phoebe: Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come to Momma. Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool. (The guy walks past them) Guy: Nice hat. Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks. (The guy walks on) Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle. Monica: We are not going to whistle. Phoebe: Come on, do it. Monica: No! Phoebe: Do it! Monica: No! Phoebe: Do it do it do it! Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo! (The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets ht by a truck) Phoebe: I can't believe you did that! Opening Credits [Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting.] Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'? Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP! Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing? Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this. Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer. Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic. Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can dance! Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked. Monica: I wish all guys could be like him. Phoebe: I know. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma guy.] Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two? Monica: He doesn't have anyone. Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible. Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo. Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV) Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one. (Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler) Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax. Rachel: No way, forget it. Joey: C'mon, she's your mom! Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! dad guy getting ht in the groin twenty, thirty times! No? Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool! Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.' Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast. Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom. Ross: Oh, please... (Rachel opens the door to Paolo) Paolo: Bona sera. Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss) Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome? Monica: Last night. Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fre?... Just a dream I had- but, phew. Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on! Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing! Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about? Phoebe: Your mom was arrested? Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride. Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man... Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing? All: Shhh. Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken. Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!! Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going? Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love... All: Awww! Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone. Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad... Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms. (The gng turn to look at Chandler) Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames. [Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to him.] Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports. [Next is a sht of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica] Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen. Monica: Nah... not-not special enough. Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon? Monica: Waaay too special. [Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.] Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu) Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken. Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think? Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little. Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place. Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down) Well, I think we're ready for some tequila. Chandler: I know I am. Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shts? Monica: Yeah. Phoebe: I'm in. Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross? Ross: Uh, I'm not really a sht drinking kinda guy. (Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered) Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of time. Ross: ...But a man can change. (Downs a sht) [Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a sht glass to his eye like a jeweller's eye.] Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything? (Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand) Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer. Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book. Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen. [Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.] Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226? (Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas') Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger? Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one) Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight? Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Mrs. Bing: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it. Ross: No. It's the one he's licking. Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you. Ross: You're good. Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why? Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing? Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kll off. Ross: When? Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is. Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing? Mrs. Bing: No, it's you! Ross: Please. Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy... Ross: Right. Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me. (She kisses him on the cheek) Ross: Uh-oh... (...Then full on the mouth) (Enter Joey) Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street. Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown—it's Ross.] Ross: Hey, is Chandler here? Joey: Yeah. (Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door) Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right? Joey: Right. No big deal. Ross: Okay. Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code! Ross: What code? Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom! (Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper) Chandler: What are you guys doing out here? Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept. Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket. Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one. Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size. Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door) Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum. Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen? Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's... Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy? Ross: Well... not in the same way... Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children? Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here... (Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge) Rachel: Hey. Ross: Hey. Rachel: What're you guys doing out here? Ross: Well, not playing raquetball! Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size! Ross: He didn't get the goggles! Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues. (She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall) Rachel: Goodbye, baby. Paolo: Ciao, bela. (They kiss. Ross is watching them) Ross: Do they wait for me to do this? (Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment) Joey: So are you gonna tell him? Ross: Why would I tell him? Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might. Ross: Oh... Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing here? Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap! Monica: ...What did I ask? [Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of balloons.] Monica: Hi. Phoebe: Hi. Monica: What are you doing here? Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here? Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me? Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning? Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here. Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him wearing new pajamas.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.] Chandler: Oh my God. Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you. Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom? Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom. Chandler: What? Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in- Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this? Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing. Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?! Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened. Ross: Thanks, man, big help. Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking? Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I- Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you. Ross: I know- Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door) Ross: Chandler- Joey: Me neither, y'know what- Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me. Joey: What are you mad at me for?! Ross: Chandler- Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door) Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code? Ross: Joey- Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door) [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.] Monica: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Monica: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'. Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a sht. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'? Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'. Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach. Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Hello. Monica: Hello. Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight? Monica: No, you? Phoebe: No, you? Monica: You just asked me. Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can we do this now? Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot! Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout. Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation. Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all. Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay. Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look) 'Kay. (Sung:) You don't have to be awake to be my man, As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand. Though we just met the other day, There's something I have got to say... (She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand) Rachel: (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo! (Enter Chandler) Chandler: What was that? Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a... Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter) Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up. Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips. Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare. Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something? Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom! (People turn to look) Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play. Chandler: That's very funny. We done now? Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel? Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her. Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah! [Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts in, closely followed by Phoebe. There is no sign of Coma Guy. His bed is empty.] Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him? (There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom) Monica: Oh! You're awake! Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel? Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay. Monica: You look good! Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you? Monica: Oh, sorry. Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay. Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you. Phoebe: Well, we both have. Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys? Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me. Monica: I got you the foot massager. Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was me. Monica: I read to you. Phoebe: I sang. (To Monica) Hah! Coma Guy: Well,... thanks. Monica: Oh, my pleasure. Phoebe: You're welcome. Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around. Phoebe: What, that's it? Monica: "See you around?" Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say? Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?" Admit something to me? "I'll call you?" Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you. Phoebe: I don't think you mean that. Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then- we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Phoebe. Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.] Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon? Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough. Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave) Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect. Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid. Chandler: Really stupid. Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again. Are we okay now? Chandler: Yeah. No. No... [Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.] Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door. Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything. Ross: You're kidding. Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?" Ross: Wow! Joey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bmb?" Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna grow up and realise I am your mom?" Joey: That makes more sense. Ross: So, what's going on now? Joey: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! (Goes back to the door) I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the spyhole) Ross: Whaddya see? Joey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run! (Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his mom come out) Mrs. Bing: You okay, kiddo? Chandler: Yeah, okay. Mrs. Bing: Alright. (Kisses him) Chandler: Nice save. (She walks down the hall) Ross: (Very politely) Mrs. Bing. Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller. (She leaves) (Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door) Chandler: Hey. Ross: You mean that? Chandler: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her. Ross: Yeah? How'd it go? Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse. Ross: Well, howdya feel? Chandler: Pretty good! I told her. Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don't have to go down that road. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gng.] Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'. Monica: What's a 'niffle'? Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'. Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist... Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those! Rachel: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it! All: Nooo! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x11 - The One With Mrs. Bing"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Jeffrey Astrof, Mike Sikowitz, Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by: Jim & Tracy Lambers With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on crossword puzzle, starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in, followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gng. Ross starts humming theme from I Dream Of Jeannie.] Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone in the kitchen.] Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Well, the meat's only every third layer, maybe you could scrape. (Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room) Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books? Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like that! (snaps fingers) Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces) Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table) Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still on phone) Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth? (Camera pans back to group in living room) Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy! Ross: (waves) Hello! Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross) (Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks annoyed) Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos (touching Paolo's nose with forefinger with each syllable) Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a (touches nose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses, then kisses her) Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sitting in living room, imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah (Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the kitchen) Monica: So, did I hear Poconos? Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend. Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together! Monica: Yeah, that's a big step. Rachel: I know... (Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected) Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal! Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now? (Camera pans back to Rachel) Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally... (Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach) Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration! [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.] Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their little baby hands... Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that, forever! (Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, table falls over) Joey: Need a new table. Chandler: You think? [Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the door and Carol answers it to Ross.] Carol: Hey hey, come on in! (Ross enters, carrying lasagna) Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the books, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna. Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat meat. Ross: (pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is... Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today. Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, tell me, tell me, is everything, uhh....? Carol: Totally and completely healthy! Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses Carol. Then picks up a picture frame) Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis? Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya. Ross: (surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course it's your friend Tanya. (looks up frightenedly) Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex? Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I could think of), yaw... Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross. Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh! Carol: Do you want to know? Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely not. I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't... (Susan enters) Susan: Oh, hello Ross! Ross: Susan... Susan: So, so, did you hear? Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK! Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we know...? Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be... Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello, guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here! Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would be? Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling. Ross stands back, reaches out and lightly taps Susan's shoulder) Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it was going to be? Carol and Susan: It's a... Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don't want to know, don't want to know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should probably just go. Carol: Well, thanks for the books. Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa (kisses Carol's stomach, then punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.) Susan: All right, who should we call first, your folks, or Deb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings) Carol: Hello? Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want to know. (Carol and Susan laugh) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler use their knees as a table to support the lasagna.] Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one? Joey: That's the rule. Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table! Joey: How'd you get to that? Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio Joey: You knew about that? Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination. Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it? Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it together? Joey: Yeah Chandler: You think we're ready for something like that? Joey: Why not? Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants to move out? Joey: Why, are you moving out? Chandler: I'm not moving out. Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommate Kip... Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip! Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly. Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a better roommate than me? Chandler: Aw, don't do that [Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's assistant is telling her about the changes to her schedule.] Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes in your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu. Phoebe: Ok, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks back in) Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo enters) Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe! Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here? Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh? Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah! (Paolo speaks Italian) Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's get started. Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked? Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked! [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.] Rachel: (to Ross) I can't believe you don't want to know. I mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows.... Monica: And Monica knows... Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know! Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I asked, she told me. Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's ear. Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in protest) Ross: Wait—oh—hey—huh, oh great now he knows, and I don't know! Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt! Joey: Or an uncle... (Phoebe enters) Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe! Ross: Hi Pheebs! Rachel: Pheebs! Phoebe: Fine! Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter? Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts. Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here? Rachel: Oh, right, that's me! Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on. Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door) Monica: Phoebe, what is it? Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo? Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes... Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me. (Joey and Chandler come back) Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow! Chandler: More coffee over here, please! Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Monica: Well, what happened? Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage table, moving his hands up Phoebe's legs.) [Cut back to Central Perk.] Joey and Chandler: Ooooohh! Ross: My God. Monica: Are you sure? (The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.) [Cut back to Central Perk.] Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Phoebe doing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her head) Monica: Was it...? Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there. Guys: Oooooo.... (Rachel runs over) Rachel: "Ooo," what? Phoebe: Uma Thurman. Monica: Oh! Ross: The actress! (all talking indistinctly, high-fiving) Ross: Thanks Rach. (Rachel walks away) Chandler: So what are you gonna do? Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in) Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her. Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went! Phoebe: She is gonna hate me. Ross:(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well... [Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and looking for their new table.] Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about that one? (points to a table) Chandler: That's patio furniture! Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think, "Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Of course! Chandler: (gesturing towards another table) What about the birds? Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, "Hello, sit here, eat something." Chandler: You pick one. Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs? Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining! Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds! Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hi Pheebs! Phoebe: Are you moving out? Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up small blue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one's Paolo's. Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec? Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on his way over. Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um, Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs... Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie) Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite of cookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?! Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the best oatmeal cookies I've ever had. Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie. Rachel: I guess you don't. Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me. (Rachel looks stunned) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler, Joey, and Monica admiring their new table.] Chandler: So, what do you think? Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever seen. Chandler: I know! (The camera pans back to reveal Joey and Chandler's new foosball table.) Monica: So how does this work, you going to balance the plates on these little guys' heads? Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let's play! Monica: Heads up Ross! (Monica scores on Chandler and Joey) Score! (points at Chandler) You suck! (Chandler looks at Joey in amazement) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering from the shock.] Phoebe: Are you okay? Rachel: I need some milk. Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from her bag and starts to pour a cup) Here you go... (Rachel drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes thermos) Better? Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about the other day with you guys and I was all "Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so..." Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed! Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he ht on! (Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap) Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would have happened! Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about? Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig! Phoebe: Such a pig! Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig, Phoebe: Oh he's like a... Rachel: He's like a big disgusting... Phoebe: ...like a... Rachel: ...pig...pig man! Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok... Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I not see this? Phoebe: (raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It's because... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at you... Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs... Phoebe: The end. Rachel: Oh, God... Phoebe: Should I not have told you? Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was better... (Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling everyone how it went across the hall as the foosball game continues.] Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo's over there right now, so... Monica: We should get over there and see if she's okay. (switching places with Ross) Just one...second! Score! (Monica scores, high-fives with Ross) Game! Come on. (Monica and Phoebe leave) Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your butts. Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic standing-there team. Ross: Come on, two on one. Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy, it's time for you to swoop in! Ross: What, now? Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gotta know that you're everything he's not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo! Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo's clothes over the side.] Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's... [Cut to inside the apartment.] Ross: (entering) How's it going? Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her chest), Ok, that is either, "How could you?" or, "Enormous breasts!" Here he comes! Phoebe: Ooh! (Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter) Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye. Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye. Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, (hands him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles. Paolo: Grazie. Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I speak for everyone when I say... (shuts door in his face and walks away) Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward Rachel on the balcony) Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us should go out there so she's not overwhelmed... Monica: Oh, you're right. Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it should be me. [Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through the window.] Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Ross: You all right? Rachel: Ooh, I've been better... Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so much better than him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has you. Rachel: Oh, Ross... Ross: What? Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at another guy, I don't want to think about another guy, I don't even want to be near another guy. (Ross crosses arms) Ross: Huh. Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great! Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs) [Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are entering.] Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right? Rachel: Oh... Phoebe: You ok? Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left? Phoebe: Yep! Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process. Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just got to figure out what I want Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys are going to be a Paolo. Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not going to grow up to be one. Ross: (astonished) What? Rachel: What? Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy? Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having a boy. Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! (babbling) Huh, am I having a boy? Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugs Ross) Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy! (Joey and Chandler run in) Chandler: Wha- Joey: Wha- Joey and Chandler: What is it? Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they hug) Ross: I'm having a son. Um... (Ross looks scared) Closing Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy k*lling Chandle and Joey at foosball.] Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down! Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start heading for their rooms.) Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on, one more game! Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning! Chandler: Yeah, get out! Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment! Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick her up) All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out) and I'm gone. Chandler: (to Joey) One more game? Joey: Oh yeah! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x12 - The One With the Dozen Lasagnas"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Alexa Junge. Transcribed by guineapig. [Pre-intro scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler walks in and starts raiding the fridge. Then Rachel comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her waist, drying herself with another towel. Chandler and Rachel startle each other and she drops the towel for a second and snatches the rug off the couch] Rachel: That is IT! You just barge in here, you don't knock- Chandler: I'm sorry! Rachel: -You have no respect for anybody's privacy- Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait. Rachel: No, you wait! This is ridiculous! Chandler: Can I just say one thing? Rachel: What? What?! Chandler: That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... nipular areas. Rachel: Oh!! [She storms off] [Intro] [Scene 1: Central Perk. Phoebe is there with her boyfriend Roger, talking to Rachel and Monica] Phoebe: Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are, like, other things. Y'know? Like, the phone rings and she takes a shower. Roger: That's pretty much it. Phoebe: Oops! Roger: But you tell it really well, sweetie. Phoebe: Thanks. Okay, now go away so we can talk about you. Roger: Okay. I'll miss you. Phoebe: Isn't he great? Rachel: He's so cute! And he seems to like you so much. Phoebe: I know, I know. So sweet... and so complicated. And for a shrink, he's not too shrinky, y'know? Monica: So, you think you'll do it on his couch? Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's a little weird, y'know? Vinyl. Rachel: Okaaay. [To the guys, on the couch] Any of you guys want anything else? Chandler: Oh, yes, could I have one of those- Rachel: No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else? Chandler: Okay. Roger: Did I, uh, did I miss something? Chandler: No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies. Ross: You what? Wh- what were you doing seeing her boobies? Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts. Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please? Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts. Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change. Chandler: Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies. Rachel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice. Chandler: Okaaay, [Gestures] rock, hard place, me. Roger: You're so funny! He's really funny! I wouldn't wanna be there when- when the laughter stops. Chandler: Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd you mean by that? Roger: Oh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. Y'know, that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at a distance. Chandler: Huh. Roger: I mean hey! I just met you, I don't know you from Adam. ...Only child, right? Parents divorced before you h*t puberty. Chandler: Uh-huh, how did you know that? Roger: It's textbook. [Joey enters with his dad] Joey: Hey you guys. Hey, you all know my dad, right? All: Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib! Monica: Hey, how long are you in the city? Mr. Tribbiani: Just for a coupla days. I got a job mid-town. I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry. [Sees Roger] I don't know this one. Phoebe: Oh, this is my friend Roger. Roger: Hi. Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger. Roger: You too, sir. Mr. Tribbiani: [To Phoebe] What happened to the, uh, puppet guy? Joey: Dad, dad. [Shakes his head] Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? [Ross whines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder] Off there too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny! [Chandler stays stone-faced] [Scene 2: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Mr. Trib is on the phone] Mr. Tribbiani: Gotta go. I miss you too, I love you, but it's getting real late now- Joey: [Snatches the phone] Hey Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazida, and... Excuse me? [To his dad] Did you know this isn't Ma? [His dad nods. Cut to later. Joey is chopping mushrooms] Mr. Tribbiani: Her name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician. Joey: Sure. So how long you been... [Goes back to chopping] Mr. Tribbiani: Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the navy yard and show you the big ships? Joey: Since then?! Mr. Tribbiani: No, it's only been six years. I just wanted to put a nice memory in your head so you'd know that I wasn't always such a terrible guy. ...Joe. Y'ever been in love? Joey: ...I d'know. Mr. Tribbiani: Then y'haven't. You're burning your tomatoes. Joey: You're one to talk. [Puts the mushrooms in a saucepan] Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women. Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma. Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course one of 'em's Ma. What's the matter with you. [Scene 3: Monica and Rachel's] Joey: It's like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was leading this double life. He's like actually some spy, working for the CIA. [Considers] That'd be cool.... This blows! Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay parents? [She walks over near Chandler and his gaze stays very obviously on her chest] Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... [Notices Chandler] Why can't you stop staring at my breasts? Chandler: [Without looking up] What? [Looks up] What? Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day? Ross: Alright, alright. We're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your pee-pee. Chandler: Y'know, I don't see that happening? Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat. Chandler: Well I'm not showing you my 'tat'. [Door buzzer goes] Monica: Hello? Phoebe: (Intercom) It's Phoebe. Roger: (Intercom) And Rog. Monica: C'mon up. Chandler: [Sarcastic] Oh, good. Rog is here. Joey: What's the matter with Rog? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate that guy. Ross: What, so he was a little analytical. That's what he does, y'know? C'mon, he's not that bad. [Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the table. Ross is upset] Ross: Y'see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I marry her if I thought on any level that-that she was a lesbian? Roger: I dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail. Ross: Why? Why would I- why? Why? Why? Why? Roger: I don't know. Maybe- maybe low self-esteem, maybe- maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling, maybe you- Monica: Waitwait, go back to that sibling thing. Roger: Well, I don't know. I mean, it's conceivable that you wanted to sabotage your marriage so that the sibling would feel less of a failure in the eyes of the parents. Ross: That- that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures! Monica: Oh! So you think I'm a failure! Phoebe: Isn't he good? Ross: Nonono, that-that's not what I was saying... Monica: Y'know, all these years, I thought you were on my side. But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd keep liking you better! Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good! [Cut to later. Rachel is in tears] Rachel: You're right! I mean- you're right! It wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace, and- and the Weebles' Cruise Ship. Oh, which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in. Roger: That's tough. Tough stuff. C'mon, Pheebs, we're gonna catch that movie, we gotta get going. Phoebe: Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, 'kay? Roger: Geez, we're gonna be late, sweetie... Phoebe: Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon. Monica: You're welcome. Roger: Listen guys, it was great seeing you again. Mon, um, easy on those cookies, okay? Remember, they're just food, they're not love. [He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies at it] Monica: Hate that guy! [Throws another cookie] [Scene 4: The hall. Chandler and Joey are just leaving Monica and Rachel's] Joey: Night, you guys. [They notice that a woman is sitting by their door] Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered. Joey: Hey. Can, uh, can we help you? Ronni: Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani. Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani. Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so much cuter than your pictures! [Joey stares at her] I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip? Chandler: Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know? [Commercial] [Scene 5: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ronni is talking to Chandler. Joey's dad is not around] Ronni: Now, y'see, most people, when their pets pass on, they want 'em sorta laid out like they're sleeping. But occasionally you get your person who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their tail, [Demonstrates] or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee. Chandler: Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys. Ronni: That's a good one! [Enter Joey's dad] Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, Joe. Joey: Dad, Ronni's here. Mr. Tribbiani: Huh? Ronni: Hi. Mr. Tribbiani: Hey! Hello, babe! Wh- what're- what're you doing here? Ronni: Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at my apartment, I figured you'd need it tomorrow for your meeting. [Hands him the hair] Mr. Tribbiani: Thank you. Uh... Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk? Ronni: Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better get going, I don't wanna miss the last train. Mr. Tribbiani: I don't want you taking that thing. Ronni: Oh, where'm I gonna stay, here? Joey: Whoah-ho. Mr. Tribbiani: We'll go to a hotel. Ronni: [Shrugs] We'll go to a hotel. Joey: No you won't. Ronni: No we won't. Joey: If you go to a hotel you'll be.. doing stuff. I want you right here where I can keep an eye on you. Mr. Tribbiani: You're gonna keep an eye on us? Joey: That's right, mister, and I don't care how old you are, as long as you're under my roof you're gonna live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend. Ronni: Wow. He's strict. Joey: Now dad, you'll be in my room, Ronni- uh, you can stay in Chandler's room. Ronni: Thanks. You're, uh, you're a good kid. Chandler: C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by 'No thanks, it's late'. Joey: Okay. Now this is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you gotta make a change. This has gone on long enough. Mr. Tribbiani: What kinda change? Joey: Well, either you break it off with Ronni- Mr. Tribbiani: I can't do that! Joey: Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This is not right! Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah, but this is- Joey: I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room! [Scene 6: Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and Joey are sharing the sofa-bed in the living room. Joey is restless] Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing? Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in my underwear. Chandler: Well, you're gonna. Joey: I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls... Chandler: Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes? Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women. And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking... Chandler: Hey, you're not him. You're you. When they were all over you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave? Joey: No. Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say- 'No thanks, I'm married'. Joey: You really think so? Chandler: Yeah. I really do. Joey: Thanks, Chandler. [Snuggles up to him] Chandler: Get off! [Scene 7: Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone knocks on the door and Monica gets it] Ronni: Hi. Monica: Hi...May I help you? Ronni: Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your shower, since, uh, Chandler's in ours? Monica: Okay...who are you? Ronni: Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The mistress? Monica: Oh, c'mon in. Ronni: Thanks. Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel. Ronni: Hi. Rachel: Bathroom's up there. Ronni: Great. Rachel: Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower? Ronni: Oh, like, uh, five minutes? Rachel: Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's pee-pee time. [She goes into Joey and Chandler's apartment, where Mr. Trib is reading the paper] Hey, Mr. Trib. Mr. Tribbiani: Hey. Morning, dear. [Rachel goes up to the door of their bathroom] Rachel: Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing. [She opens the door and whips back the curtain. It's Joey. They both scream] Joey: [Runs out in a towel] What's the matter with you?! Rachel: I thought it was Chandler! Chandler: [Comes out of his room] What? What? Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing! Chandler: Sorry, my- my thing was in there with me. [Scene 8: Central Perk. Phoebe enters] All: Hey, Pheebs. Phoebe: Hey. Monica: How's it going? Phoebe: Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys. [Chandler laughs] Phoebe: So what's going on? Monica: Nothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger. Ross: I dunno, there's just something about... Chandler: Basically we just feel that he's... Rachel: We hate that guy. All: Yeah. Hate him. Ross: We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry. Phoebe:Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think, maybe, though, it's just that he's so perceptive that it freaks you out? All: ...No, we hate him. Rachel: We're sorry. [Cut to Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is trying to turn the sofa-bed back into a sofa. Someone knocks on the door and it rears up at him] Joey: Ma! What're you doing here? Mrs. Tribbiani: I came to give you this [Gives him a bag of groceries] and this. [Whacks him round the ear] Joey: Oww! Big ring! Mrs. Tribbiani: Why did you have to fill your father's head with all that garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way they were! There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's sake, Joey, really. [She gives the sofa-bed a tiny push and it folds away] Joey: Hold on, you-you knew? Mrs. Tribbiani: Of course I knew! Whaddyou think? Your father is no James Bond. You should've heard some of his cover stories. 'I'm sleeping over at my accountant's'- I mean, what is that? Please! Joey: So then- how could you- I mean, how could you?!- Mrs. Tribbiani: Do you remember how your father used to be? Always yelling, always yelling nothing made him happy, nothing made him happy, not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing. Now he's happy! I mean, it's nice, he has a hobby. Joey: Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but... what the hell are you talking about?! I mean, what about you? Mrs. Tribbiani: Me? I'm fine. Look, honey, in an ideal world, there'd be no her, and your father would look like Sting. And I'll tell you something else. Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along, he's been so ashamed of himself that he's been more attentive, he's been more loving... I mean, it's like every day's our anniversary. Joey: I'm...happy...for you? Mrs. Tribbiani: Well don't be, because now everything's screwed up. I just want it the way it was. Joey: Ma, I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you'd want. Mrs. Tribbiani: I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did. So tell me. Did you see her? Joey: Yeah. You're ten times prettier than she is. Mrs. Tribbiani: That's sweet. Could I take her? Joey: With this ring? No contest. [Scene 9: Central Perk. Phoebe is there with Roger] Roger: What's wrong, sweetie? Phoebe: Nothing, nothing. Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon. [Pats his leg. She lies down and rests her head in his lap] Phoebe: It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't. Roger: Oh. They don't. Phoebe: But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see. They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just think you're a little... Roger: What? Phoebe: Intense and creepy. Roger: Oh. Phoebe: But I don't. Me, Phoebe. Roger: Well, I'm not- I'm not at all surprised they feel that way. Phoebe: You're not? See, that's why you're so great! Roger: Actually it's, it's quite, y'know, typical behaviour when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. Y'know, this kind of co-dependant, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house with your stupid big cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and you're like all 'Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!'. [Cut to Monica and Rachel's] Monica: So you talked to your dad, huh. Joey: Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma like she wanted, she's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know even though she does, and my little sister Tina can't see her husband any more because he got a restraining order...which has nothing to do with anything except that I found out today. Rachel: Wow. Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Waltons mountain. Ross: So Joey, you okay? Joey: Yeah, I guess. It's just- parents, after a certain point, you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you've gotta let them make their own mistakes. Rachel: Just think, in a couple of years we get to turn into them. Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom. [Enter Phoebe] Phoebe: Hey. All: Hey, Pheebs. Monica: How's it going? Phoebe: Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger. All: Awww. Phoebe: Yeah, right. All: Aaawwwwww!! Rachel: What happened? Phoebe: I don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... I hate that guy! [Closing credits] [Credits scene: Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is reading the paper and Joey enters] Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What's going on? Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. [He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel] Monica: Joey!! What the hell were you doing?! Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies. [He leaves. Cut to Monica entering Chandler and Joey's apartment. She sneaks up to the shower door] Monica: Hello, Joey. [She whips back the curtain to reveal Joey's dad] Mr. Tribbiani: Oh! ...Hello, dear. [She whips the curtain shut in horror] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x13 - The One With the Boobies"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Bill Lawrence Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]]. [Scene: Central Perk. Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.] JOEY: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you. ROSS: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building. CHANDLER: Any contact? ROSS: She lent me an egg once. JOEY: You're in! ROSS: Aw, right. HER: Hi, Ross. ROSS: Hey. [stutters something incoherent] CHANDLER: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian--I don't think we need a third... JOEY: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks. ROSS: An egg? JOEY: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg." CHANDLER: I think it's winning. ROSS: I think it's insane. CHANDLER: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend. [Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.] JOEY: Think it'll work? CHANDLER: No, it's su1c1de. The man's got an egg. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still talking to the beautiful woman.] MONICA: You can not do this. RACHEL: Do what, do what? MONICA: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night. RACHEL: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy? PHOEBE: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day! MONICA: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do. RACHEL: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night? JOEY: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes. CHANDLER: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight... JOEY: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend. CHANDLER: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a-- JOEY: Pathetic mess? I know, but--come on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! [Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and eats it.] Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin' this. ROSS: Hi. She said yes. CHANDLER: Yes! Way to go, man! [Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt pocket.] Still got the egg, huh? [Scene: A restaurant. Joey and Chandler are there, waiting for their dates to show up.] JOEY: [Looking at himself in the reflection on a Knfe] How do I look? CHANDLER: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. [Joey's date shows up] Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess. LORRAINE: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice. CHANDLER: ...And what did you bring? LORRAINE: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice. CHANDLER: Janice? [Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.] JANICE: Oh.... my.... God. CHANDLER: [angrily] Hey, it's Janice. [Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant. Chandler and Joey are talking.] CHANDLER: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window. JOEY: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out with Lorraine. Just calm down. CHANDLER: Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months! JOEY: [at the urinal] Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm nervous. CHANDLER: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. [gets up right behind Joey and yells in his ear] Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. The girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with men.] RACHEL: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney. MONICA: Which one was Pete Carney? RACHEL: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex. [imitating] "Was it good for you?" MONICA: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. [imitating] "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two months--I didn't get to win once. RACHEL: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people! MONICA: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets. PHOEBE: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch. MONICA: There's more beer, right? PHOEBE: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual. RACHEL: Phoebes, this woman is voluntarily bald. PHOEBE: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect. MONICA: Ok, well, what kind of ritual? PHOEBE: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us. RACHEL: Or? PHOEBE: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks. MONICA: Burning's good. RACHEL: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn. [Scene: The restaurant. Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one another.] LORRAINE: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes. JOEY: Good for you. [jumps suddenly] Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters? JANICE: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads. CHANDLER: That's OK. JANICE: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty. [Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.] JOEY: [to Lorraine] We can't do that. CHANDLER: [disgusted] What? What can't you do? JOEY: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there? [CHandler and Joey leave the table.] JOEY: Uh, we might be leaving now. CHANDLER: Tell me it's "you and me" we. JOEY: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it. CHANDLER: Ok, you can not do this to me. JOEY: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right. LORRAINE: [to waiter] Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please? JOEY: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler. CHANDLER: I hope she throws up on you. [Joey leaves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back down with Janice.] CHANDLER: So... JANICE: Just us. CHANDLER: Oh, what a crappy night! JANICE: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been stickin' outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom. CHANDLER: Excuse me. [gets up, jumps up and down while he zips his zipper up... other patrons look at him] How ya doin'? JANICE: So, do we have the best friends or what? CHANDLER: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV? JANICE: I will go for that drink. CHANDLER: You got it. Good woman! [the waiter turns around, it's a man] Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne? JANICE: Each. CHANDLER: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. [to Janice] I've always wanted to know... [Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler wakes up, and finds someone else's hand on his chest. He rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.] JANICE: Happy Valentine's Day! Commercial [Scene: In the hall. Chandler is trying to get Janice out of his apartment.] JANICE: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened? CHANDLER: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice. JANICE: Kiss me! [Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.} MONICA: Oh, Chandler, sorry. [Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.] MONICA: Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice. JANICE: Hi, Monica. CHANDLER: Ok, well, this was very special. MONICA: Rache, come see who's out here! [Rachel comes out.] RACHEL: Oh my god. Janice, hi! CHANDLER: Janice is gonna go away now. MONICA: I'll be right back. [Joey enters from the stairs.] RACHEL: Oh, Joey, look who it is. JOEY: [in disbelief] Whoa. CHANDLER: Oh, good, Joey's home now. JANICE: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall. [Monica comes out with her cordless phone.] MONICA: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to. [to Chandler] He just happened to call. JANICE: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? [she laughs obnoxiously] [Scene: A Chinese restaurant. Ross is there with his date.] ROSS: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half. [Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross' ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.] KRISTIN: That's funny. Who are they? ROSS: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close, personal friend. KRISTIN: You mean they're lovers. ROSS: If you wanna put a label on it. KRISTIN: Wow, uh, anything else I should know? ROSS: Nope, nope, that's it. [Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.] ROSS: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. [to Carol and Susan] Helloo! [Scene: Monica's apartment. The girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.] PHOEBE: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine. MONICA: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca. PHOEBE: Um, that's ok! [throws it in fre] Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man. RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place. MONICA: Can we just start throwing things in? PHOEBE: Ok, yeah, ok. [she throws the directions in] Oh, OK. RACHEL: [tossing things in the fre] Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts. PHOEBE: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah. MONICA: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked. RACHEL: [looking at picture] Hey he's wearing a sweater. MONICA: No. RACHEL/PHOEBE: Eww! RACHEL: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa. MONICA: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure-- [Rachel throws the alcohol in the fre. A burst of flames sht up from it.] [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are there. Chandler is preparing to dump Janice again.] CHANDLER: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day? JOEY: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's. CHANDLER: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush. [Janice enters.] JANICE: Hello, funny Valentine. CHANDLER: Hi, Just Janice. JANICE: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna! [Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.] JOEY: [to Chandler] If you don't do it, I will. [Scene: The Chinese restaurant.] ROSS: So, um, what do you do for a living? KRISTIN: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..[Ross is watching Carol and Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left stranded]...which is funny because, that wasn't even my major. CAROL: Oh no. I thought you said they could sht the spot without you. SUSAN: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry. [Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh hysterically.] ROSS: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad. KRISTIN: [reluctantly] I guess. ROSS: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us? CAROL: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine. ROSS: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...[struggling]...does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of control.] FIREMAN 1: What do we got there? FIREMAN 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what looks like a half-charred picture--Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief! MONICA: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened. FIREMAN 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain. This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control. FIREMAN 1: You're our third call tonight. RACHEL: Really? FIREMAN 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year. [Scene: Central Perk.] JANICE: I brought you something. CHANDLER: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. [reading the candy] Chan and Jan Forever. JANICE: I had them made special. CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things are gonna work out. JANICE: That's fine. CHANDLER: [surprised] It is? JANICE: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end. CHANDLER: Oh no, you see, actually it is. JANICE: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing. CHANDLER: Oh, no I don't. JANICE: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed? CHANDLER: I did, but-- JANICE: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya. [She kisses him passionately,then leaves.] CHANDLER: Call me! [Scene: The Chinese restaurant. Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.] CAROL: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine. ROSS: You did so. I swear, I swear--[noticing Kristin's absence] How long has she been in the bathroom? CAROL: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone. ROSS: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first date I had in 9 years. CAROL: That could be it. ROSS: Oh, god. [He puts his head down on the grill] You know, this is still pretty hot. [He picks his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off and eats it.] CAROL: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even stay through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny ROSS: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know, here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another sh*t? No no no, I know what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know. You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you. [They kiss.] CAROL: Oh, I love you too. But-- ROSS: No but, no but. CAROL: You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's time to take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The right woman is just waiting for you. ROSS: That's easy for you to say, you found one already. CAROL: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set. [A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at her.] CAROL: Not her. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. The girls are talking with the firemen.] FIREMAN 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then? RACHEL: So, um, will you bring the truck? FIREMAN 3: I'll even let you ring the bell. RACHEL: Oh, my god. PHOEBE: See, there you go, the cleansing works! MONICA: They're nice guys. RACHEL: Oh, they're firemen guys. [Scene: Out in the hall. The firemen are talking.] FIREMAN 1: You guys tell them you were married? FIREMAN 2: No way! FIREMAN 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell them! END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x14 - The One With the Candy Hearts"}	foreverdreaming
Transcribed by Ruth Curran. Converted to HTML by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working, Monica is drinking coffee.] MNCA: Rach, why does my swizzel stick have an eraser? [Rachel checks behind her ear, and finds a swizzel stick. She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee.] RACH: Oh! That's why. I'm sorry! [Monica puts her cup down in disgust.] Opening Credits [Scene: Chandler's job. Chandler is typing data into his computer. One of his co-workers walks by.] WOMAN: Chandler. CHAN: Ms. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you. WOMAN: Yeah. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the end of the day. CHAN: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. [Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.] [Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.] PHOE: Hey guys, guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know... [Chandler comes in.] CHAN: Hey! ALL: Hey! PHOE: Never mind. But it was going to be really good. ROSS: What's going on? ALL: What is it? CHAN: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm putting in my numbers, and then big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor. ALL: That's great! CHAN: So.... I quit. ALL: Why? CHAN: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job! MNCA: Uh, Chandler... you've been there for five years. CHAN: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do. PHOE: So was it a lot more money? CHAN: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS. [Everyone looks at him, confused.] RACH: ... the WENUS? CHAN: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term. RACH: [sarcastic] Oh. That WENUS. JOEY: So what're you going to do? CHAN: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there. PHOE: Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? [pause] Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef. MNCA: Um... hi there. PHOE: Hi! [turns back to Chandler, then to Monica] Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so.... CHAN: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant. MNCA: Yeah, yeah! Well, what kind of food is he looking for? PHOE: Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu. MNCA: [excited] Oh my God! PHOE: Yeah, I know! [turns to Chandler] Well, what do you think? CHAN: Thanks, Phoeb. But I just don't see myself in a big white hat. PHOE: OK. [pause] Hey Monica! Guess what! [Scene: Monica's apartment. Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.] CHAN: Can you see my nipples through this shirt? RACH: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there. PHOE: Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man? CHAN: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. [pause] I added the "a-gogo". RACH: Work counselor? CHAN: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do. RACH: I don't! CHAN: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream. ROSS: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech. [Monica enters, excited.] MNCA: Oh, I love my life, I love my life! PHOE: Ooh! Brian's Song! RACH: The meeting with the guy went great? MNCA: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right. CHAN: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears? MNCA: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises. RACH: What are you going to make? PHOE: [as though Rachel wasn't paying attention] Yummy noises. RACH: [pause] And Monica, what are you going to make? MNCA: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great! PHOE: Ooh! I know what you could make! [runs over to join Monica and Rachel in the kitchen] I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know. [sits down] ROSS: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood? JOEY: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free. ROSS: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma? CHAN: Who are you going out with? PHOE: Oh, is this the bug lady? RACH: [trying to sound like a bug] Bzzzz.... I love you, Ross. ROSS: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum. RACH: So what are you guys going to do? ROSS: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I might introduce her to my monkey. CHAN: And he's not speaking metaphorically. JOEY: [aside to Ross] So.... back to your place...you thinking, maybe... [gestures with hands, back and forth] huh-huh? ROSS: Well, I don't know.... [gestures] huh-huh.... but I'm hoping [gestures] huh-huh. JOEY: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal. [Scene: Cut to Ross' apartment. Marcel is hanging from Celia's hair, and she is screaming, trying to get him off.] ROSS: He's not going to hurt you! Keep going, Celia. Marcel... CELIA: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my... ROSS: Alright... [lifts Marcel away] [Scene: Monica's apartment. Everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone try it.] MNCA: [to Joey] OK, try this salmon mousse. JOEY: [tasting] Mmmm. Good. MNCA: Is it better than the other salmon mousse? JOEY: It's creamier. MNCA: Yeah, well, is that better? JOEY: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, y'know? [Chandler kicks open the door, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks bat.] RACH: My God! What happened to you? CHAN: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? [he taps the results and reads them] "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation." PHOE: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that! CHAN: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing... something. RACH: [comes up and rubs him on the chest] Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt! MNCA: [brings a plate of tiny appetizers over] Hey, maybe this'll cheer you up. CHAN: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you. MNCA: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche. CHAN: [tastes it] Well.... it is amouz-ing... [Phone rings. Monica answers it.] MNCA: [on phone] Hello? Oh, hi Wendy! Yeah, eight o'clock. What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?... OK, great. All right, I'll see you then. Bye. [hangs up] RACH: Ten dollars an hour for what? MNCA: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out. RACH: [hurt] Waitressing? JOEY: Uh-oh. MNCA: Well... of course I thought of you! But... but... RACH: But, but? MNCA: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress. RACH: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics. CHAN: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. [dad silence] Amouz-bouche? [holds out tray] [Scene: Ross' apartment. Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon (the original, not that cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.] CELIA: Talk to me. ROSS: OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning... CELIA: No no no. Talk... dirty. ROSS: [embarrassed] Wha... what, here? CELIA: Yes... ROSS: Ah.... CELIA: Say something..... hot. ROSS: [panicked] Er.... um..... CELIA: What? ROSS: Um... uh.... vulva. Commercial [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last night.] JOEY: [in disbelief] Vulva? ROSS: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling. JOEY: [sarcastic] Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times?? ROSS: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know? JOEY: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me. ROSS: [deadpan] Please be kidding. JOEY: Why not? Come on! Close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now. ROSS: OK. [closes eyes] I'm in my apartment... JOEY: ....yeah... what else? ROSS: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. [gets up, walks across room] JOEY: [walks to catch up to him] Alright, look, I'll start, OK? ROSS: Joey, please. JOEY: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! [in a low voice] Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now. ROSS: [impressed] Wow. JOEY: Alright, now you say something. ROSS: I... ahem... I really don't think so. JOEY: Come on! You like this woman, right? ROSS: Yeah. JOEY: You want to see her again, right? ROSS: Sure. JOEY: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt! ROSS: OK, turn around. [Joey looks taken aback] I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this. JOEY: [turning around] Alright, alright. I'm around. Go ahead. ROSS: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips. JOEY: There you go! Keep going. Keep going! ROSS: I, er... [At this point, Chandler walks through the door. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.] ROSS: I want to take my tongue... and... [Chandler is completely astounded.] ROSS: ....and.... JOEY: Say it... say it! ROSS: ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with... [Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.] CHAN: [smiling]....with?? ROSS: [rushing to explain] Funny story! CHAN: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together. JOEY: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again. CHAN: Again? JOEY: And again, and again, and again... [phone rings, he answers] Hello? [hands phone to Chandler] And again. CHAN: [on phone] Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor?... Yeah, I miss you too. Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know?... Well, that's very generous... er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier?... Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection!.... No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! I'll see you on Monday! [slams the phone down] [Scene: Chandler's new window office. He is showing Phoebe around.] CHAN: Well? PHOE: [excited] Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube. CHAN: Look at this! [he opens the curtain to a view of New York City] PHOE: Oh! You have a window! CHAN: Yes indeedy! [they look outside] With a beautiful view of... PHOE: Oh look! That guy's peeing! CHAN: [walks away from window] OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down. PHOE: [sitting] OK. CHAN: This is great! [he presses a button on his intercom] Helen, could you come in here for a moment? [An unamused woman walks into the office.] CHAN: Thank you Helen, that'll be all. [She leaves, obviously perturbed.] CHAN: Last time I do that, I promise. [Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica is on the phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the conversation.] MNCA: [shouting on phone] Wendy, we had a deal! Yeah, you promised! Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! [hangs up] RACH: Who was that? MNCA: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress. RACH: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. [she walks away towards the door] MNCA: Ten dollars an hour. RACH: No. MNCA: Twelve dollars an hour. RACH: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around. MNCA: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... [desperate] twenty dollars an hour. RACH: Done. [Scene: Monica's apartment, later. Rachel is waitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe walks in with Steve (Crystal Duck winner Jon Lovitz).] RACH: Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I take your coat? MNCA: Hi Steve! STEVE: Hello, Monica. [to Rachel] Hello, greeter girl. MNCA: [to Steve] This is Rachel. STEVE: [unconcerned] Yeah, OK. PHOE: [overemphasizing] Mmmmmm! Everything smells so delicious! You know, I can't remember a time I smelt such a delicious combination of [Monica signals her to stop] of, OK, smells. STEVE: It's a lovely apartment. MNCA: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour? STEVE: I was just being polite, but, alright. [They leave. Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen. Rachel notices that Phoebe seems agitated.] RACH: What's up? PHOE: [whispers] In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie. RACH: What? PHOE: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja? RACH: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK. STEVE: [from the living room] Is it dry in here? [licks his lips] RACH: No. Let me get you some wine! MNCA: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course. [Steve sits, Monica brings over a tray] OK, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro pondou sauce... [Steve starts to eat them one by one, quickly]... with just a touch of mints... and... [he finishes]... ginger. STEVE: Well, slap my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic! MNCA: I'm so glad you liked them! STEVE: Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them! MNCA: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of those. But in about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets. STEVE: Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning. [he gets up and goes into the kitchen] RACH: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything? STEVE: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for. [Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it again, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it.] STEVE: [from kitchen] Ah, cool! Taco shells! You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope. MNCA: [joining him and taking the taco shells] You know that? You don't want to spoil your appetite. STEVE: [looking in cabinets] Hey! Sugar-O's! [grabs the cereal box] MNCA: You know, if you just wait another... six and a half minutes... STEVE: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this! MNCA: No, we don't. [reaches for box] STEVE: Oh, OK. [he drops the box on the floor] Oh, sorry. [When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet.] MNCA: Why don't you just have a seat here? [he sits at the table, then tries to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him.] OK... give me the Gummi-bears. STEVE: [childishly] No. MNCA: Give them to me. STEVE: Alright, we'll share. MNCA: No, give me the... STEVE: Well then you can't have any. [she grabs for the package, and it breaks open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table.] Man overboard! I think he's drowning. [he throws some Sugar-O's into the punch bowl] Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O... save yourself! MNCA: [furious] That's it! Dinner is over! STEVE: What? MNCA: What? STEVE: Why? MNCA: Why? It's just that I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this, and you can't even wait four and a half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet? [The oven goes off.] STEVE: [excited] Hey! [Scene: Central Perk. All are there except Chandler.] JOEY: What a tool! RACH: You don't want to work for a guy like that. MNCA: I know... it's just... I thought this was, you know... it. ROSS: Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef. PHOE: Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking. JOEY: [to Ross] So, er... how did it go with Celia? ROSS: Oh, I was unbelievable. JOEY: All right, Ross! ROSS: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were different characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers. JOEY: Whoa! And the... [gestures with hands] huh-huh? ROSS: Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so... JOEY: You cuddled. ROSS: Yeah, which was nice. PHOE: You guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something? RACH: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler? JOEY: Yeah, where the hell is he? [Scene: Chandler's office. He's on the phone, agitated.] CHAN: [on phone] Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! [slams phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened] Whooooaaaa.... Closing Credits [Scene: Phoebe's massage parlour. She has Steve on the table, and is giving him an extra-painful massage.] PHOE: How's this? [presses down hard] STEVE: Eeeee! PHOE: How about over here? [presses down hard again] STEVE: Aaaaah! PHOE: See, that just means it's working. Does this hurt? [presses down elsewhere] STEVE: No. PHOE: What about this? [she starts using her elbows on his back, he yells in pain] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x15 - The One With the Stoned Guy"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]] CHANDLER: This is unbelievable. It's been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now. JOEY: There's the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss? CHANDLER: It's Phoebe! Hi! URSULA: Hi. Ok, will that be all? CHANDLER: Wait, wait! Wh-What are you doing here? URSULA: Yeah, um, I was over there, and then you said "excuse me, hello miss," so now I'm here. JOEY: No, no how come are you working here? URSULA: Right, yeah, 'cause it's close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute. CHANDLER: Can we start over? URSULA: Yeah. Ok, great. I'm gonna be over here. CHANDLER and JOEY: No no no! ROSS: I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, supposedly by accident. RACHEL: Oh, yeah, I've done that. ROSS: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did and pee-ed all over the crossword. RACHEL: I've never done that. CHANDLER: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister. JOEY: I'm sayin' I see a difference. CHANDLER: They're twins! JOEY: I don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's--hot! CHANDLER: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things. Let's not do that anymore. JOEY: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today. PHOEBE: Ooh! Oh! Fun! Ok. Um, Liam Neeson. JOEY: Nope. PHOEBE: Morly Safer. JOEY: Nope. PHOEBE: The woman who cuts my hair! MONICA: Ok, look, this could be a really long game. CHANDLER: Your sister Ursula. PHOEBE: Oh, really. CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh-- PHOEBE: Riff's. Yeah, I know. CHANDLER: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven't talked in like years. PHOEBE: Hmmm? Uh, yeah. So, uh, is she fat? JOEY: Not from where I was standin'. PHOEBE: Where were you standing? RACHEL: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don't get along? PHOEBE: It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know. Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it, later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new"? ROSS: Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry, but I've got to go. I've got Lamaze class. CHANDLER: Oh, and I've got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in gym. RACHEL: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol? ROSS: No, Susan's gonna be there too. We've got dads, we've got lesbians, the whole parenting team. RACHEL: Well, isn't that gonna be weird? ROSS: No, no. I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think I'm pretty comfortable with the whole situation. MONICA: Ross, that's my jacket. ROSS: I know. WOMAN: Hi, we're the Rostins. I'm J.C., and he's Michael, and we're having a boy, and a girl. TEACHER: Good for you. Next? ROSS: I'm Ross Geller, and that's, that's my boy in there, and uh, this is Carol Willick, and this is Susan Bunch. Susan is Carol's... Who's next? TEACHER: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Susan is Carol's--? ROSS: Susan is Carol's Carol's Carol's friend. CAROL: Life partner. ROSS: Like buddies. SUSAN: Like lovers. ROSS: You know how close women can get. CAROL: Susan and I live together. ROSS: Although I was married to her. SUSAN: Carol, not me. ROSS: Right. CAROL: It's a little complicated. ROSS: A little. SUSAN: But we're fine. ROSS: Absolutely. So, twins. Huh, that's like two births. Ouch. CHANDLER: And (buzzing noise) to you too, Helen. HELEN: Nina Bookbinder is here to see you. CHANDLER: Oh, ok. Send her in. NINA: Hi. CHANDLER: Hi, Nina. Come on in. NINA: You wanted to see me? CHANDLER: Uh, Yes. Yes. I've just been going over your data here, and little thing, you've been post-dating your Friday numbers. NINA: Which is bad because--? CHANDLER: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack. NIna: Your--Excuse me? CHANDLER: WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics. NINA: Oh, right. Gotcha. It won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your...WENUS. CHANDLER: It's not just that she's cute, ok. It's just that she's really really cute. ROSS: It doesn't matter. You don't dip your pen in the company ink. MONICA: Ross, your little creature's got the remote again. ROSS: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote... MONICA: Great. ROSS: Relax, I'll fix it. RACHEL: Oh, cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel". ROSS: How did he do this? CHANDLER: So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long? MONICA: No, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's but obviously someone forgot. RACHEL: Well someone was supposed to write "Rache, take down the lights" and put it on the refrigerator. How long has that been there? CHANDLER: Hey, where you been? JOEY: I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, and she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries. CHANDLER: Score. JOEY: She is so hot. CHANDLER: Yeah, listen. Before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by, uh-- JOEY: Pheebs? You think it would be ok if I asked out your sister? PHOEBE: Why? Why would you wanna do that? Why? JOEY: So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there. PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and uh, I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but you know, we've grown apart. So, uh, I don't know. Why not? JOEY: Cool, thanks. ROSS: You ok? PHOEBE: Yeah I'm fine. ROSS: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley? ROSS: Sorry. Hi. Sorry I'm late. Where's Carol? SUSAN: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I'll get the information. ROSS: No, no, no. I think I should stay. I think we should both know what's going on. SUSAN: Oh, good. This'll be fun. TEACHER: All righty. We're gonna start with some basic first-stage breathing exercises, so Mommies, why don't you get on your backs, and coaches, you should be supporting Mommy's head. ROSS: What? What? SUSAN: What? What? SUSAN: I am supposed to be the mommy? ROSS: Ok, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time. SUSAN: Look, I don't see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I'm a woman. ROSS: I see. So what do you propose to do? SUSAN: I will flip you for it. ROSS: Flip me for it? No, no, no--heads, heads! SUSAN: On your back, Mom. TEACHER: All right, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath. Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower. CHANDLER: Mr. D, how's it going, sir?? MR. DOUGLAS: It's been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in. CHANDLER: And? MR. DOUGLAS: It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies. CHANDLER: So what does this mean? MR. DOUGLAS: Well, we're gonna be layin' off people in every department. CHANDLER: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very-- MR. DOUGLAS: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fre anyone? CHANDLER: Nina? Nina. Nina. Nina. NINA: Are you ok? CHANDLER: Yes, yes I am. Listen, the reason that I called you in here today is, uh, please don't hate me. NINA: What? CHANDLER: Would you like to have dinner sometime? RACHEL: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday? PHOEBE: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me. RACHEL: Ok. Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn? PHOEBE: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice. JAMIE: What is this place? FRAN: Look, you're cold, I have to pee, and there's a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be? JAMIE: I think we have an answer. FRAN: What's she doing here? JAMIE: This could be God's way of telling us to eat at home. FRAN: Think she got fired at Riff's? JAMIE: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept bringing swordfish. Are you gonna go-- FRAN: I'm gonna wait till after we order. It's her, right. JAMIE: It looks like her. Um, excuse me. PHOEBE: Yeah? JAMIE: Hi, it's us. PHOEBE: Right, and it's me. JAMIE: So, so you're here too? PHOEBE: Much as you are. JAMIE: Your turn. FRAN: We know what we want. PHOEBE: Oh, that's good. JAMIE: All we want is two cafe lattes. FRAN: And some biscotti cookies. PHOEBE: Good choice. JAMIE: Definitely her. FRAN: Yeah. MONICA: I can't believe you. You still haven't told that girl she doesn't have a job yet? CHANDLER: Well, you still haven't taken down the Christmas lights. MONICA: Congratulations, I think you've found the world's thinnest argument. CHANDLER: I'm just trying to find the right moment, you know? RACHEL: Oh, well, that shouldn't be so hard, now that you're dating. Sweetheart, you're fired, but how 'bout a quickie before I go to work. JOEY: Hey. (knock) CHANDLER: You know, once you're inside, you don't have to knock anymore. MONICA: I'll get it. Hi, Mr. Heckles. MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again. MONICA: We're not doing anything. We're just sitting around talking, quietly. MR. HECKLES: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can't sleep. RACHEL: You don't even have cats. MR. HECKLES: I could have cats. MONICA: Goodbye Mr. Heckles. RACHEL: We'll try to keep it down. JOEY: Phoebe, could you do me a favor? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits. PHOEBE: Oh, my first birthday present. Oh, this is really-- JOEY: Oh, no no no. It's for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size wise. PHOEBE: Oh, sure, yeah. Ok, it fits. RACHEL: Are you seein' her again tonight? JOEY: Yep. Ice Capades. CHANDLER: Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of capade. JOEY: I don't know. I like her, you know. She's different. There's uh, somethin about her that-- PHOEBE: That you like. We get it. You like her. Great. JOEY: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you and you said it was ok. PHOEBE: All right, well, maybe now it's not ok. JOEY: Ok, well maybe now I'm not ok with it not being ok. PHOEBE: Ok. CHANDLER: Knit, good woman, knit, knit! (knock) CHANDLER: And that's the Chrysler building right there. MR. DOUGLAS: Nina. NINA: Mr. Douglas. Cool tie. MR. DOUGLAS: She's still here. CHANDLER: Yes, yes she is. Didn't I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, uh, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Fl---, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan, and uh, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly. In fact, he uh, mentioned the word "frenzy". MR. DOUGLAS: You're kidding? She seems so-- CHANDLER: Oh, no, no. Nina--she is whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo. In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all. MR. DOUGLAS: That's unbelievable. CHANDLER: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fre her again until I can be assured that she will be no thr*at to herself or others. MR. DOUGLAS: I see. I guess you never really know what's goin' on inside a person's head. CHANDLER: Well, I guess that's why they call it psychology, sir. TEACHER: Lights please? And that's having a baby. Next week is our last class. ROSS: Susan, go deep. CAROL: This is impossible. It's just impossible. SUSAN: What is, honey? CAROL: What that woman did. I am not doin' that. It's just gonna have to stay in. That's all, everything will be the same, it'll just stay in. ROSS: Carol, honey, shhh, everything's gonna be all right. CAROL: What do you know? No one's come up to you and said, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?" SUSAN: Carol, Carol, please. Cleansing breath. I know it's frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it's over, we're all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives. I mean, that's what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross? ROSS: I'm gonna be a father. RACHEL: It's just occurring to you? ROSS: I always knew I was havin' a baby, I just never realized the baby was having me. RACHEL: Oh, you're gonna be great! ROSS: Aw, how can you say that? I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid? CHANDLER: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different. PHOEBE: Where're you going? JOEY: Out. PHOEBE: With? JOEY: Yes. PHOEBE: All right, could I just ask you one question? Have you two, you know...like, you know, you know, yet? JOEY: Well, not that it's any of your business, but, no, we haven't, ok? You meant sex, right? NINA: Do you have a sec? CHANDLER: Uh, sure, Nina. What's up? NINA: I don't know. For the past couple of days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks. CHANDLER: Oh, well, uh, maybe that's because they're uh, jealous of us. NINA: Maybe. But that doesn't explain why they keep taking my scissors. CHANDLER: Uh, well, maybe that's, uh, because you're getting a big raise. NINA: I am? CHANDLER: Sure, why not? NINA: Oh my god! You're amazing. CHANDLER: Oh, you don't know. Helen, would you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder's raise? HELEN: Do you still want me to send her psychological profile to perosnnel? NINA: What? CHANDLER: Helen drinks. Will you marry me? CHANDLER: Well, I ended up telling her everything. RACHEL: Oh, how'd she take it? CHANDLER: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. Little tip: If you're ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand on the desk. MONICA: Ok, I think I get how to do this. PHOEBE: All right, so, can we turn this off? Just, just make it--make them go away? I can't, I can't look. MONICA: Ok, Pheebs, they're gone. Are you all right? PHOEBE: Yeah. Yeah. It's just, you know, it's this whole stupid Ursula thing. RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he's going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible? PHOEBE: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I'm not saying she's like evil or anything. She just, you know, she's always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. Oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like, have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend? MONICA & RACHEL: No. PHOEBE: Well, but that's what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then broke his heart, and then he wouldn't even talk to me anymore. Because he said he didn't wanna be around anything that looked like either one of us. I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but-- CHANDLER: You're not gonna lose him. MONICA: Come on, you gotta talk to Joey. PHOEBE: Yeah. ROSS: Come on, he doesn't know this stuff. If he knew how you felt-- PHOEBE: But he's falling in love with her. RACHEL: Please, they've been going out a week. They haven't even slept together yet, I mean, that's not serious. PHOEBE: Ok. Oh, ok, oh. URSULA: Oh. Yeah, um, may we help you? MONICA: Rachel, what are you doing? It's freezing out here. Would you come back inside? RACHEL: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so I'm takin' 'em down. Ok? Whoa! (She falls off the balcony) MONICA; Rachel! Rachel! RACHEL: I'm ok! I'm ok! Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please? MR. HECKLES: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x16 - The One With Two Parts, Part 1"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]] RACHEL: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. MONICA: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights, and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or ankle or something. NURSE: My god. You still have your Christmas lights up? Fill this out and bring it back to me. RACHEL: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. MONICA: All right. Name, address...Ok, in case of emergency call? RACHEL: You. MONICA: Really? RACHEL: Yeah. MONICA: Oh, that is so sweet. Oh gosh. I love you. Insurance? RACHEL: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that. Monica: You don't have insurance? RACHEL: Why, how much is this gonna cost? MONICA: I have no idea, but x-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars. RACHEL: Well what are we gonna do? MONICA: There's not much we can do. RACHEL: Um, unless, unless I use yours. MONICA: No no no no no no no no no. RACHEL: Well, now, wait a second. Who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" call person? MONICA: That's insurance fraud. RACHEL: Well, all right, then, forget it. Might as well just go home. Ow! MONICA: Ok. Ok. I hate this. RACHEL: Thank you. Thank you. I love you. MONICA: Hi. Um, I'm gonna need a new set of these forms. NURSE: Why? MONICA: I am really an idiot. You see, I was filling out my friend's forms, and instead of putting her information, I put mine. NURSE: You are an idiot. MONICA: Yep, that's me. I am that stupid. ROSS: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid. CHANDLER & JOEY: That's nice. ROSS: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me. JOEY: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team. ROSS: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield. CHANDLER: What are you crazy? That's a baby! JOEY: He should take the sack? ROSS: Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father. CHANDLER: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad. JOEY: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking. Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive? CHANDLER: Well, only if you order stuff. JOEY: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday. ROSS: Whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday? JOEY: When's that? ROSS: Tonight. JOEY: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening? ROSS: You take your time. CHANDLER: There it is! So what're you gonna do? JOEY: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula. CHANDLER: And your friend Phoebe? JOEY: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys? CHANDLER: Man if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit. DR. MITCHELL: Ok, uh, Monica? MONICA: Yes, yes she is. RACHEL: Hi, this is my friend Rachel. MONICA: Hi. DR. MITCHELL: Hi, Rachel. I'm Dr. Mitchell. DR. ROSIN: And I'm his friend, Dr. Rosin. RACHEL: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor? DR. ROSIN: Excuse me? RACHEL: I meant young, young, I meant young, young to be a doctor. Oh, Good Rach. MONICA: Thank you. RACHEL: Right. RACHEL: So, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it. MONICA: Uh, you left out the stupid part. RACHEL: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said yes. MONICA: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. I say we blow off the dates. RACHEL: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, cute doctors, doctors who are cute! CHANDLER: All right, what have we learned so far? ALL: Surprise! ROSS: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me. RACHEL: Was that the cake? ROSS: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon shmush. MONICA: Come on, she'll be here any minute. RACHEL: I hope it's ok. CHANDLER: Happy birthday Peehee. MONICA: Well maybe we can make a "b" out of one of those roses. ROSS: Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools. PHOEBE: Hey, what's going on? ALL: Surprise! PHOEBE: Oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, hi! You found Betty! Oh my god! This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room. Where's Joey? CHANDLER: Did you see Betty? MR. GELLER: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd 'a' said "get out of my office!" ROSS: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all? MR. GELLER: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea-- ROSS: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing? MR. GELLER: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about? ROSS: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering. MR. GELLER: 'Cause there's time to make up for that. We can still do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that? ROSS: Thanks, Dad. Really, you know, I just, I just needed to know, when did you start to feel like a father? MR. GELLER: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew. So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg? ROSS: No, we can go to Williamsburg. MR. GELLER: Eat your fish. MONICA: Rachel, the cute doctors are here. RACHEL: Ok, coming! MONICA: Hi, come on in. DR. MITCHELL: Here, we brought wine. DR. ROSIN: And this is from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist? RACHEL: Oh, that's great. Look at that. DR. ROSIN: Monica, how's the ankle? MONICA: It's uh, well, uh, why don't you tell them? After all, it is your ankle. RACHEL: You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you. Well, listen, why don't you two sit down, and we'll get you some glasses....STAT. RACHEL: Ok, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are. I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine, I really do. MONICA: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble. RACHEL: Would you stop being such a wuss? MONICA: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, ok? DR. MITCHELL: So? DR. ROSIN: So, they still seem normal. MITCHELL: That's because they are normal. ROSIN: Ok, but you have to admit that every time we go out with women we meet at the hospital, it turns into-- MITCHELL: Would you relax? Look around. No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine. Go like this. MONICA: I said we are not going to do it. Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby. RACHEL: I am not a baby. You know what? MONICA: What? RACHEL: You know what? MONICA: What? RACHEL: Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother. ROSIN: This is a great place. How long have you lived here? RACHEL: I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago. MONICA: Yeah, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar. Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but hey, that's me. Why don't you try the hummus? ROSIN: So, Monica, what do you do? RACHEL: Uh, I'm a uh, chef at a restaurant uptown. ROSIN: Good for you. RACHEL: Yeah it is. Mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do. ROSIN: This hummus is great. MITCHELL: God bless the chickpea. MONICA: (laughing) Oh, God, I am so spoiled. That's it. RACHEL: And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow. MONICA: I used to wet my bed. RACHEL: I use my breasts to get other people's attention. MONICA: We both do that. (phone rings) DR. MITCHELL: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Just a minute. Rachel, it's your dad. MONICA: Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. Listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um, there's something that I've been meaning to tell you. Remember back in freshman year? Well, Billy Drestin and I had sex on your bed. RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, why? Why would I sleep with Billy Drestin? His father tried to put you out of business! You are d*ad! MONICA: Ross, he's got the remote again. ROSS: Good. Maybe he can switch it back. Maybe not. RACHEL: Hello? Uh, yeah, uh, hold on a second. Let me see if she's here. It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. Oh, god, what do we do, what do we do? MONICA: Find out what they want. RACHEL: No, you do it. MONICA: Hello, this is Monica. Yeah? Oh, ok, yes, we'll be right down. Thank you. RACHEL: What? MONICA: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms. RACHEL: You were right, this was just not worth it. MONICA: Thank you. RACHEL: Ok, let me just change. JOEY: Hey. ROSS: Hey. PHOEBE: Hi. Trouble? JOEY: Your sister stood me up the other night. PHOEBE: Oh, no. Don't you just hate it when people aren't there for you? ROSS: Well did you try calling her? JOEY: I've been trying for two days. When I call the restaurant, they say she's too busy to talk. I can't believe she's blowin' me off. PHOEBE: Hey. URSULA: Oh. PHOEBE: Um, you, got a minute? URSULA: Um, yeah, I'm just working. PHOEBE: So. URSULA: Uh-huh. PHOEBE: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present. URSULA: Oh, wow! You remembered! Oh, it's a Judy Jetson thermos. PHOEBE: Right, like the kind you-- URSULA: Right. Oh, I got something for you too. PHOEBE: How'd you know I was coming? URSULA: Um, yeah, um, twin thing. PHOEBE: I can't believe you did this. I can't believe you--did this. So, what's the deal with uh you and Joey? URSULA: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over. PHOEBE: Does he know? URSULA: Who? PHOEBE: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you. URSULA: He is? Why? PHOEBE: You got me. URSULA: Right. Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad? PHOEBE: So, um, are you gonna call him? URSULA: Why, do you think he likes me? PHOEBE: No. Joey. URSULA: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. Do you want some chicken? PHOEBE: No. No food with a face. URSULA: You have not changed. PHOEBE: Yeah, you too. RACHEL: Hi, remember us? NURSE: Mmm hmmm. MONICA: You just called a little while ago about needing a signature on an admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a whole new one because uh, you see, I, I put the wrong name again. 'Cause um... NURSE: You're that stupid. MONICA: I am. I'm that stupid. RACHEL: And I'm just gonna pay for this with a check. NURSE: You know your insurance will cover that. RACHEL: I know. I'm just not that bright either. CHANDLER: Ok, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father. Say your son never feels connected to you as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this. ROSS: Do you have a point? CHANDLER: You know, you'd think I would. What's up with the simian? ROSS: It's just a furball. CHANDLER: Ok, who's turn is it? ROSS: Yours. I just got 43 points for "kidney". CHANDLER: No, no, you got zero points for "idney". ROSS: I had a "k". Where's my "k"? ROSS: You've got to help me! My monkey swallowed a "k"! NURSE: You get that animal out of here. ROSS: No, you don't understand. The animal hospital is way across town. He's choking. I don't know what else to do. MONICA: What's goin' on? CHANDLER: Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile. NURSE: Excuse me. This hospital is for people. ROSS: Lady, he is people. He has a name, ok? He watches Jeopardy. He touches himself when nobody's watching. Please, please, have a heart! DR. MITCHELL: I'll take a look at him. RACHEL and MONICA: Oh, thank you. MONICA: Michael. DR. MITCHELL: Rachel. RACHEL: What? MONICA: Monica. RACHEL: Oh. MONICA: Hi. RACHEL: Hi. PHOEBE: Hey. JOEY: Urs, what're you doing here? I've been trying to call you. PHOEBE: Listen, um. JOEY: No, no, no, don't say "listen". I know that "listen". I've said that "listen". PHOEBE: I'm sorry. JOEY: I don't get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge? PHOEBE: Yeah, um, you know, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk. JOEY: You don't drink PHOEBE; That's right, I don't, but I was, I was drunk on you. JOEY: Urs-- PHOEBE: Ok, yeah, so it's not gonna work. JOEY: Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe? PHOEBE: If it was, would you stop hanging out with her? JOEY: No. No, I, I couldn't do that. PHOEBE: Um, then yes, 'cause of Phoebe. So, you know, it's either her or me. JOEY: Then, uh, then I'm sorry. PHOEBE: You know, you're gonna be really, really hard to get over. JOEY: I know. I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' up or what, but you have never looked so beautiful. PHOEBE: Really? (kiss) JOEY: Pheebs? PHOEBE: Yeah. ROSS: He looks so tiny. JOEY: We just got the message. PHOEBE: Is he all right? ROSS: Yeah. The doctor got the "k" out. He also found an "m" and an "o". CHANDLER: We think he was trying to spell out "monkey". ROSS: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine. He's just sleeping now. CHANDLER: So, you feel like a dad yet? ROSS: No, why? CHANDLER: Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x17 - The One With Two Parts, Part 2"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. . Transcribed by Dan Silverstein. Special thanks to Nancy Brown, who pointed out that 'crudites' is not French. :) [The whole gng is helping Rachel mail out resumes while whistling the theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai.] Ross: Uh, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here. Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics? Chandler: Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for. Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, OK? I cannot be a waitress anymore, I mean it. I'm sick of the lousy tips, I'm sick of being called 'Excuse me...' Ross: Rach, did you proofread these? Rachel: Uh... yeah, why? Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills. Rachel: [upset] Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it's on all of them? Joey: Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few. Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Chandler are sitting at a table. Rachel is working. Monica and Phoebe enter.] Monica: Hey, guys. Chandler, Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hey... hi, ladies... uh, can I get you anything? [to Monica, quietly]: Did you bring the mail? Monica: Lots of responses. Rachel: [to Monica]: Really? [out loud]: Sure, we have scones left! [to Monica]: OK, read them to me. Phoebe: [reading]: Dear Ms. Green, thank you for your inquiry, however... oh... [crumples up letter] Rachel: [out loud]: We have apple cinnamon... Monica: [reading]: OK... Dear Ms. Green... yeah... yeah... yeah... No. [crumpes up letter] Phoebe: Wow! Rachel: What? Phoebe: [reading]: Your Visa bill is huge! Rachel: [grabs the bill] Give me that! [Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.] Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again? Ross: I don't know. Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing? Ross: No, it's not just that. It's just--I want someone who... who does something for me, y'know? Who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh... [begins to stare lovingly at Rachel] Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn? Ross: What? Chandler: Could you want her more? Ross: Who? Chandler: [sarcastically] Dee, the sarcastic sister from Whats Happening. Ross: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just... [Rachel comes over, Ross lays head on table]: Hiiii! Rachel: Hi! How are you? Ross: We're fine, we're fine. Rachel: OK. [walks away] [Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.] Joey: Shut up! Chandler: We're not--we're not saying anything. Phoebe: What? Ross: Uhhhh... Joey cried last night. Joey: Thank you. Chandler: [to the girls] We were playing poker, alright... Joey: There was chocolate on the three. It looked like an eight, alright? Ross: Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep.' Chandler: And then he did. Rachel: Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us? Phoebe: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play? Ross: No, women are welcome to play. Phoebe: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of... you know, like, like... some kind of, y'know, like... alright, what is it? Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our games. Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker. GIRLS: Oh, yeah, right. Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! Rachel: Really. Monica: I mean, that's a typical guy response. Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play? GIRLS: No. Rachel: But you could teach us. GUYS: No. [Scene: Monica's apartment. The guys are teaching the girls how to play poker.] Chandler: [teaching] OK, so now we draw cards. Monica: So I wouldn't need any, right? Cause I have a straight. Rachel: Oh, good for you! Phoebe: Congratulations! [Microwave timer goes off. Monica gets up.] Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want? Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs. Ross: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can't--you can't do-- Rachel: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here! [gives it to Phoebe] Ross: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do that. Rachel: Oh, no no no no no no, that's OK, I don't need them. I'm going for fours. Ross: Oh, you're... [gives up] [Monica comes back to the table with plates of food.] Monica: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon roulettes and assorted crudites. Phoebe, Rachel: OOooooo! Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz--[look of realization] Chandler: [changing subject] OK, so at this point, the dealer-- Monica: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let's play for real. High stakes... big bucks... Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy... Phoebe: But... I'm ready, so, just deal. Chandler: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. [holds up two cards] Joey... three... eight. Eight... three. [Joey is unamused] Alright babe, deal the cards. [Time lapse.] Monica: [throws down her cards] Dammit, dammit, dammit! Phoebe: [to Joey]: Oh I see, so then, you were lying. Joey: About what? Phoebe: About how good your cards were. Joey: Heh... I was bluffing. Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying? Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I've got resumes to fax before work tomorrow... [gets up to leave] GUYS: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle. Rachel: Settle what? Chandler: The... Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us the land, so... Ross: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for the game. Rachel: Oh. Right. Joey: You know what, you guys? It's their first time, why don't we just forget about the money, alright? Monica: Hell no, we'll pay! Phoebe: OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready. Monica: And you know what? We want a rematch. Ross: Well that's fine with me. Could use the money. Rachel: [to Ross]: So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends. Ross: [pause]...Yeah. Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less. Ross: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright? In order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're gonna play poker with me, don't expect me to be a 'nice guy,' OK? Cause once those cards are dealt... [claps hands three times] Joey: [pause]...Yeah? Ross: I'm not a nice guy. [Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler and Joey are there. Ross enters with a pizza.] Ross: Alright boys, let's eat. Chandler: Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria? Ross: You still on that? Chandler: Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? [mimicking]: When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy! Ross: You are way off, pal. Joey: No, I don't think so, see Ross, because I think you love her. Ross: Um.... no. See, I might've had feelings for her at one time--not any more. I just--I-- [Marcel makes a screeching noise in background.] Ross: Marcel! Where are you going with that disc? [Marcel puts a CD in the player.] Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OK--if you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble. ['The Lion Sleeps Tonight' starts to play. Marcel starts to dance.] [Scene: Monica's apartment. Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are there.] Rachel: [opening mail] Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being? Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive. Phoebe: Ha. Ha, ha. Monica: What? Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black. Monica: Please! I am not as bad as Ross. Rachel: Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident? Monica: That was not an incident! I-I was gesturing, a-and the plate slipped out of my hand. Rachel: Oooooh. [reads letter] [surprised]: Oh! I got an interview! I got an interview! Monica: You're kidding! Where? Where? Rachel: [in disbelief]: Sak's... Fifth... Avenue. Monica: Oh, Rachel! Phoebe: Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home. Monica: Well, what's the job? Rachel: Assistant buyer. Oh! I would be shopping... for a living! [Knock on door.] Monica: OK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This woman has been playing poker since she was five. You gotta listen to every word she says. [opens door] Hi! IRIS: Is Tony Randall dad? Rachel: No. Monica: I don't think so. Rachel: Why? IRIS: Well, he may be now, because I think I ht him with my car. Monica: What? Rachel: Oh my God! Monica: Really? IRIS: No! That's bluffing. Lesson number one. [walks into kitchen] Let me tell you something... everything you hear at a poker game is pure crap. [to Phoebe]: Nice earrings. Phoebe: Thank y-- [thinks about it] IRIS: Girls, sit down. Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that's Rachel... IRIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I am parked at a meter. Let's do it. [Scene: Ross's apartment, everyone but Rachel is seated around his table. The Lion Sleep Tonight plays in the background.] Phoebe: Ross, could we please, please, please listen to anything else? Ross: Alright. [Ross shuts off the CD player. Marcel runs into the bedroom and slams the door.] Ross: I'm gonna pay for that tonight. [Knock on door. Ross opens it. Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey. Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what! Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident? Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She absolutely loved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste in clothes, and--oh, I went to camp with her cousin... and, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well! ALL: That's great! That's wonderful! Rachel: Oh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story-- Monica: OK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh. Let's play poker. Joey: Alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and if you don't want to play, we completely understand. Chandler: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary? [The guys all duck under the table.] Monica: Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think we'd like to give poker another try. Shall we, ladies? Phoebe/Rachel: Yes, we should. I think we should. Ross: Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those? Rachel: No, no, thats OK. Y'know, I think I'm gonna give it a go. Ross: Alright. Rachel: Alright... [shuffles cards expertly, all the guys stare in amazement] COMMERCIAL [Time lapse.] Ross: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen big ones. Joey: But hey, thanks for teachin' us Cross-Eyed Mary. You guys, we gotta play that at our regular game. Phoebe: Alright, here's my $7.50. [hands them the money] But I think you should know that this money is cursed. Joey: What? Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to he who spends it. Chandler: That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I can break 'em up with a movie. Ross: Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen... Rachel: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert my power over women. [hands over her money] Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever. Rachel: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon. [Scene: Monica's apartment, everyone is there ready for another poker game.] Ross: So, you gals wanna hand over your money now? That way, we don't have to go through the formality of actually playing. Rachel: Ooooh, that's fine. We'll see who has the last laugh there, monkey boy. Monica: OK, we done with the chit-chat? Are we ready to play some serious poker? Phoebe: [holding a card and waving it in front of her face] Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed jack follows me wherever I go. [they look at her] Right, OK, serious poker. [Ross gets up from the table.] Monica: Excuse me, where are you going? Ross: Uh... to the bathroom. Monica: Do you want to go to the bathroom, or do you wanna play poker? Ross: I want to go to the bathroom. [exits] Joey: Alright, well, I'm gonna order a pizza. [gets up] Rachel: Oh no no no no no, I'm still waiting to hear from that job and the store closes at nine, so you can eat then. Joey: That's fine. I'll just have a Tic-Tac to hold me over. Monica: Alright, Cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante. [deals cards] Phoebe: [looks at her cards] Yes! [everyone looks at her] .... or no. [Ross comes back from bathroom.] Ross: Alright. [to Rachel]: Your money's mine, Green. Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. [he checks it, and zips up] [Time lapse.] Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence? Chandler: Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'! Joey: Uh... Phoebe? Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah. Um... I'm out. [throws in cards] Rachel: I'm in. Monica: Me too. Joey: Me too. Alright, whattaya got. Ross: Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause... I gotta flush. [lays down cards] Rachel: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko, cause I got four sixes! [lays down cards] I won! I actually won! Oh my God! Y'know what? [collects chips] I think I'm gonna make a little Ross pile. [holds up a chip] I think that one was Ross's, and I think--oh--that one was Ross's. Yes! [starts singing]: Well, I have got your money, and you'll never see it... [Ross stands up.] Rachel: And your fly's still open... [Ross looks down.] Rachel: Ha, I made you look.... [Time lapse.] Rachel: I couldn't be inner. Monica? Phoebe: Monica, in or out? Monica: [slams down cards] I hate this game! [Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards Chandler, who hides it under the table.] Phoebe: OK Joey, your bet. Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got ht in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. [the girls look at him, confused] Oh, I'm out. Phoebe: Ross? Ross: Oh, I am very in. Phoebe: Chandler? Chandler: Couldn't be more out. [throws in cards] Phoebe: Me too. Rachel. Rachel: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. [throws chips in pot] What do you say... want to waste another buck? Ross: No, not this time. [he folds] So... what'd you have? Rachel: I'm not telling. [collects chips] Ross: Come on, show them to me. [reaches for her cards, Rachel covers them up] Rachel: No..! Ross: Show them to me! Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No! Ross: Let me see! Show them! Chandler: Y'know, I've had dates like this. Rachel: [deals new hand] Boy, you really can't stand to lose, can you? Your whole face is getting red... little veins popping out on your temple... Phoebe: Plus that shirt doesn't really match those pants. [Ross is visibly upset.] Ross: First of all, I'm not losing... Rachel: Oh, you are losing. Definitely losing. [phone rings] Ross: Let's not talk about losing. Just deal the-- Rachel: [answering phone] Hel-lo, Rachel Green. Ross: [mimicking Rachel] Mee mee, mee-mee mee. Rachel: [on phone]: Excuse me. [covers up phone; to Ross]: It's about the job. [Rachel walks into kitchen to talk on the phone.] Rachel: Barbara! Hi, how are you? [pause] Uh-huh. [pause] No, I understand. Yeah. Oh, oh, come on, no, I'm fine. Don't be silly. Yeah... oh, but you know, if-if anything else opens up, plea--Hello? Hello? [hangs up phone, very depressed] [Rachel goes back and sits down. The rest don't know what to say.] Monica: Sorry, Rach. Phoebe: Y'know, there's gonna be lots of other stuff. Rachel: Yeah...[sigh]....OK. Where were we? Oh, OK... five card draw, uh... jacks or better... nothing wild, everybody ante. Joey: Look, Rachel, we don't have to do this. Rachel: Yes, we do. [pause] Monica: Alright, check. Joey: Check. Ross: I'm in for fifty cents. [throws it in] Chandler: Call. Phoebe: I'm in. Rachel: I see your fifty cents... and I raise you... five dollars. [throws it in] Ross: I thought, uh... it was a fifty cent limit. Rachel: Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem with that? [Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross, who thinks about it.] Rachel: [to Ross]: Loser? [Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.] Ross: No, I fold. [lays cards down, and gets up] Rachel: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come on! What is this? I thought that 'once the cards were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean, what, were you just full of it? [Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks up his cards.] Ross: I'm in. [throws in chips] Rachel: How many you want? Ross: One. [Rachel gives him the card.] Rachel: Dealer takes two. [she deals herself two cards] What do you bet? Ross: I bet two dollars. [throws it in] Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise you twenty. [throws it in] Ross: I see your twenty, raise you twenty-five. [throws it in] [The other four look amazed at the large pot.] Rachel: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, get my purse. [Monica gets up, looks in Rachel's purse.] Monica: Rachel, there's nothing in it. Rachel: OK, then get me your purse. [Monica gets Rachel her purse.] Monica: OK, here you go. Good luck. Rachel: [to Monica]: Thank you. [to Ross]: I saw your twenty-five, and I raise you... seven. Phoebe: ...teen! [throws in a ten-dollar bill] [Ross looks in his wallet, pulls out two dollars.] Ross: [to Joey]: Joey, I'm a little shy. Joey: That's OK, Ross, you can ask me. What? [Ross looks at Joey, dumbfounded at his stupidity.] Chandler: [to Ross]: What do you need, what do you need? Ross: Fifteen. Chandler: Alright, here's ten. [gives it to him] Joey: Here, I got five, I got five. [Ross takes the money] Ross: Thank you. Chandler: Good luck. Ross: [to Rachel]: OK, I am calling your seventeen. What do you got? [Long pause as they both look at each other.] Rachel: [lays down cards] Full house. [Ross stares at her. Thinks about it. Puts cards on table, face down.] Ross: You got me. [Monica and Phoebe get up and start celebrating in the kitchen, pouring wine and singing. Rachel, shocked, goes to join them.] Joey: [to Ross]: Ahhh, that's alright. Y'know, that's a tough hand to b*at. Chandler: [to Ross]: I thought we had them! Ross: Oh, well, when you don't have the cards, you don't have the cards, you know. [looks at Rachel] But, uh... look how happy she is. [smiles] [Chandler and Joey look at her, and then look back at him. They dive for Ross's hand to see what he had, and he tries to stop them from looking.] COMMERCIAL CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: All six are playing Pictionary at Monica's apartment. Monica is drawing a picture, and the three guys are guessing. She draws what looks like an airplane.] Chandler: Airplane! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Airport '79! [Timer goes off.] Rachel: Oh, time's up. Monica: [pointing at the drawing, upset] Bye... bye... BIRDIE. Joey: Oh! Phoebe: That's a bird? [Monica glares at Phoebe.] Phoebe: That's a bird! [Monica sits, Rachel gets up.] Rachel: OK, OK, it's my turn. [reads the answer] Chandler: Go. [Rachel starts drawing what looks like a bean.] Ross: Uh.... bean! Bean! [Rachel begins tapping the picture of the bean frantically.] Joey: [triumphantly] The Unbearable Likeness of Being! Rachel: Yes! Monica: That, you get? That, you get? [Monica picks up a glass to take a drink, everyone ducks as though she was about to throw it.] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x18 - The One With All The Poker"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. Transcribed by guineapig. [NOTE: The credits list two characters, Tia and Samantha, who I assume are the sweaty women Joey and Chandler meet. However, I don't know which is which, so I've simply called them Woman #1 and Woman #2.] [Pre-intro scene: Central Perk. Rachel is talking to a customer] Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there's one more, um.. Lemon Soother. You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? [Guy shakes his head] Okay. [Intro] [Scene 1: Central Perk. Monica enters with some mail] Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven. Rachel: Thank you. [Examines it] Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee! Monica: Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any? Rachel: Oh. Right. ...Oh great. Monica: What is it? Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for 'inspiration'. Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry and Mindy! Monica: Barry who you almost-? Rachel: Barry who I almost. Monica: And Mindy, your maid of-? Rachel: Mindy, my maid of. Oh! Monica: [Takes it] That's Mindy? Wow, she is pretty. [Sees Rachel's look] Lucky. To have had a friend like you. [Scene 2: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross are eating Chinese] Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Good boy. Good boy. C'mere, gimme the rice. [Marcel brings the rice] Thank you, good boy. Well, I see he's finally mastered the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in the'. [Rachel ignores him] 'Bring me the' and- Rach? Rachel: What? Ross: Hi. Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I'm happy for them. Ross: Really. Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were- with somebody. Ross: Whoah, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh, penis embargo? Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I guess it's not about no guys, it's about the right guy, y'know? I mean, with Barry, it was safe and it was easy, but there was no heat. With Paolo, that's all there was, was heat! And it was just this raw- animal- sexual- Ross: Waitwait. I, I got it. I was there. Rachel: Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both? Y'know? Someone who's like, who's like your best friend, but then also can make your toes curl? Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it's funny, very often, someone who you wouldn't think could- could curl your toes, might just be the one who... [Enter the other four] Monica: Hi. Ross: ...Gets interrupted. Hi! Rachel: Hi, how was the movie? Monica: Wonderful! Phoebe: So good! Joey: Suck-fest. Chandler: Toootal chick-flick. Phoebe: I-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, like, y'know, gn and bmb and, like, buses going really fast... Joey: Hey, I don't need volence to enjoy a movie. Just so long as there's a little nudity. Monica: There was nudity! Joey: I meant female nudity. Alright? I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking. Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant! Ross: Alright, I've gotta go. C'mon, Marcel! C'mon! We're gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren't we? Yes, we are. Chandler: They're still just friends, right? Rachel: [To Marcel] And I will see you tomorrow! Ross: That's right, you're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you. Monica: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this? Ross: 'Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?' Oh, unclench. You're not even gonna be there. [Scene 3: The guys at Joe-G's Pizza] Chandler: I can't believe we are even having this discussion. Joey: I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief. Chandler: I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already? Ross: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me. Joey: She really said that? Ross: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight. Joey: 'Tonight' tonight? Ross: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey... Chandler: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey. Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her. Chandler: Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used. [Cut to Rachel taking care of Marcel. They are watching a soap opera] Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. Okay- [Marcel pushes down a cushion to reveal a shoe] Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes? You know you're not supposed to pl- whoah. Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? [Takes the shoe into the kitchen] Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh! [She notices the newsletter and taps the contents of the shoes onto it, then folds it shut] Sorry, Barry. Little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that. [She leaves the apartment holding the newsletter at arm's length. However, she leaves the door open. Marcel runs out in the opposite direction. There is a sht from the TV and Rachel runs back in] Who died? Who died? Roll him over! Oh, c'mon, roll him over! Oh...! Well, we know it wasn't Dexter, right Marcel? Because- [Looks down and notices he is missing] Marcel? Marc- [Notices the open door] [Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe is back at Monica and Rachel's] Joey: How could you lose him? Rachel: I don't know. We were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica's shoe- Monica: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one? Rachel: I don't know. The left one. Monica: Which ones? Rachel: Oh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything. Phoebe: [Entering] Hey. All: Hi. Phoebe: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative? Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel. Phoebe: Oh no, how? Monica: He- he pooped in my shoe. Phoebe: Which one? Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all the time. Phoebe: No, which one? The right or left? 'Cause the left one is lucky... Rachel: C'mon, you guys, what're we gonna do, what're we gonna do? Joey: Alright alright. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go? Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room. Rachel: Oh, my, God, c'mon, you guys! He's gonna be home any minute! He's gonna kll me! Monica: Okay, we'll start with the building. You guys take the first and second floor, Phoebe and I'll take third and fourth. Rachel: Well, what'm I gonna do? What'm I gonna do? Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kll you. [They all leave] Rachel: Anybody wanna trade? Oh... [Cut to Monica and Phoebe knocking on a door. Mr. Heckles emerges] Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want? Monica: Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it? Mr. Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here, did you take it? Monica: No! Phoebe: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall? Mr. Heckles: I wasn't ready for it. Monica: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey? Mr. Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once... Phoebe: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles. [They move off] Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle. Rachel: [On the phone] Okay, he's a, he's a black capuchian monkey with a white face... [Enter Ross] ...with, with Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks. Ross: Hey. How did, uh, how'd it go today? Rachel: Great! It went great. Really great. Hey, is that wine? Ross: Yeah. You, uh, you want some? Rachel: Oh, I would love some. But y'know what? Y'know what? Let's not drink it here. I'm feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark? Ross: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but before we head off to the mrder capital of the North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanting to run something by you. Y'know how we were, uh, y'know, talking before about, uh, relationships and stuff? [Uncorks the wine] Well- Rachel: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this. Ross: Okay, quick and painful. [Starts to cork the wine] Rachel: Oh God... Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. Ross, please don't hate me. Ross: Oh, what? Whatwhat? Rachel: Y'know Marcel? Ross: ...Yeah? Rachel: Well, I kind of... I kind of lost him. [Cut to outside the window, with Ross reacting with disbelief. The sht pans back until we see Marcel sitting on the window ledge] [Commercial] [Same scene] Ross: [Angry] I- I- I ca- I can't believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment. Rachel: I know, I know, I'm sorry- Ross: No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my fault. Y'know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should've started you off with like a pen or a pencil. Rachel: [Tearfully] Ross, I'm doing everything that I can, I've got everybody looking for him, and I- [Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it] Oh! Who is it? Intercom: Animal Control. Rachel: See? I've even called Animal Control! Ross: You called Animal Control? Rachel: Uh-huh... why... do you not like them? Ross: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not allowed to have him in the city. If they find him, they'll take him away from me. Rachel: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever told us that... Ross: That's right, I.. 'cause I didn't expect you were gonna invite them to the apartment! [A knock on the door. Rachel swiftly opens it] Rachel: Hi, thanks for coming. Luisa [Animal Control]: Somebody called about a monkey? Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete misunderstanding! [Ross puts his arms around her and they act all sweetness and light] Ross: Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but we-we didn't. Rachel: Turned out it was a hat. Ross: Cat! Rachel: Cat! What'm I saying? Cat! [Luisa nods, but then Monica and Phoebe run in] Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one's seen Marcel. Luisa: Marcel? Ross: My uncle Marcel. Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey's named after? Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal? Phoebe: Oh my God. You'd put that poor little creature in jail? Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first? Phoebe: Yes, but there isn't always time! Monica: Look. I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcile this! Um, have a seat. First of all, we haven't been introduced, I'm Monica Geller. Luisa: Oh my God, you are! And you're Rachel Green! Rachel: Yeah! Luisa: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in home room! Rachel: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It's Luisa! Monica: The Luisa from home room! Rachel: Yes!! Luisa: You have no idea who I am, do you. Monica: No, none at all. Rachel: None. Luisa: Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me. I mean, would it have been so hard to say 'Morning, Luisa'? Or 'Nice overalls'? Monica: Oh, I'm- I'm so sorry! Luisa: Ah, it's not so much you, you were fat, you had your own problems. [To Rachel] But you? What a bitch! Rachel: What?! Monica: Be that as it may, d'you think you could just help us out here on that monkey thing? Y'know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats? Luisa: I could... but I won't. If I find that monkey, he's mine. [Leaves] Phoebe: Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry. [Cut to another part of the building. We see Marcel jump in through a window and run down some stairs, then Chandler and Joey come down from the upper floor without noticing] Chandler: Marcel? Joey: Marcel? Chandler: Marcel? Joey: Marcel? [They come to a door and silently agree to try it. A very sweaty woman emerges] Woman #1: Hi, can I help you? [Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck for a moment] Chandler: Um, we're kind of having an emergency and we- we were looking for something... Joey: A monkey. Chandler: Yes have you seen any? Woman #1: No. No, haven't seen a monkey. Do you know anything about fixing radiators? Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way? Woman #1: Of course. Joey: Oh. Then, no. [Another sweaty woman comes to the door and speaks to her friend] Woman #2: Did I put too much rum in here? [Joey and Chandler sh*t each other glances] Woman #1: Just a sec. [To Chandler and Joey] Hope you find your monkey. [She starts to shut the door] Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... mileu. Joey: Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of something here? Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they're very hot. Joey: We can't, alright? [To the women] We're sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but... We promised we'd find this monkey. If you see him, he's about yea high and answers to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out. [The women quickly shut the door] Chandler: Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people. Joey: Marcel? Chandler: Marcel?! [Cut to Monica and Phoebe searching the basement] Phoebe: Marcel? Monica: Marcel? Phoebe: Marcel? Both: Marcel? Phoebe: OhmyGod! Monica: Whaaat! Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my right leg! Monica: What is it? Phoebe: Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg. [Marcel makes a monkeyish noise- he is sitting in the corner] Monica: Look, Phoebe! Phoebe: Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c'mere! [Luisa appears on the stairs] Luisa: Step aside, ladies! [She loads a gn] Monica: What're you gonna do? Luisa: Just a small tranquiliser. [In slow motion we see Phoebe look at Marcel, then at Luisa. She jumps toward Marcel just as Luisa fires the gn] Monica: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! [Marcel runs off and Luisa runs after him. Monica goes to check up on Phoebe] Are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! [She notices the tranquiliser dart has ht her in the butt and removes it] Huh. [Sways back] Whoah. Monica: Oh gosh. [Cut to Marcel walking along a hallway. He notices a banana on the floor and picks it up. The hand of an unseen person grabs him and carries him away. Then cut to Ross and Rachel on the street outside] Ross: Marcel? Rachel: Marcel? Ross: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We've been all over the neighbourhood. He's gone, he's-he's just gone. Rachel: Ross, you don't know that. Ross: Oh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't know the Village. [Kicks a sign in frustration] And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey, and a broken foot! Thank you very much. Rachel: Ross, I said I'm sorry like a million times. What do you want me to do? You want me to break my foot too? Okay, I'm gonna break my foot, right here. [Kicks the sign] Ow!! Oh! Oh my God, oh my God! There, are you happy now?! Ross: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, now that you kicked the sign, hey! I don't miss Marcel any more! Rachel: Y'know, it is not like I did this on purpose. Ross: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. I mean, things just sort of happen around you. I mean, you're off in Rachel-land, doing your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people's monkeys, or to people's feelings... Rachel: Ross. Ross: I don't even wanna hear it, you're just- Rachel: Ross. Ross: Oh, forget it, okay? Rachel: Ross! Ross: What? What? [A man carrying a box of bananas walks past them. They stare for a minute and then hobble after him] Both: Hey! Hey, Bananaman! [Scene 4: Everyone in the hall outside Mr. Heckles' door. Ross is carrying the box of bananas. He bangs on the door] Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea. [Mr. Heckles opens the door] Ross: Hi, did you order some bananas? Mr. Heckles: What about it? Ross: Gimme back my monkey. Mr. Heckles: I don't have a monkey. Rachel: Then what's with all the bananas? Mr. Heckles: Potassium. [There is a monkey-like noise from within and Ross pushes past Mr. Heckles and enters his apartment] Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel? [Marcel jumps into view wearing a pink dress. Everybody gasps] Ross: Marcel! What've you done to him? Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. That's Patti, Patti the monkey. Ross: Are you insane? C'mere, Marcel, c'mon. [Marcel starts to go to him] Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. [Marcel turns round] Ross: C'mere, Marcel. [Turns to Ross] Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. [Turns to Mr. Heckles] Luisa: [Out of sht] Here, monkey. Here, monkey! Here, monkey! [Marcel runs to the door and into Luisa's cage, which she slams shut] Gotcha. Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back. Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. Luisa: You're both gonna have to take this up with the judge. Mr. Heckles: That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine, you can send that back whenever. Ross: Alright, I want my monkey. Luisa: No! Rachel: Oh, c'mon, Luisa! Luisa: Sorry, prom queen. Ross: [To Rachel] You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn't've been fat. Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you... were also there! But if you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. C'mon, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it! Luisa: Nope. Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor, and I tell her that you sht my friend in the ass with a dart? [Scene 5: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross are there. Ross is trying to get the dress off Marcel] Ross: It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yes it will. [Marcel resists] Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine. Rachel: Y'know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little outfit. Ross: Listen, I'm- I'm sorry I was so hard on you before, it's just I- Rachel: Oh, Ross, c'mon. It's my fault, I almost lost your- Ross: Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, y'know? You, you were great. ...Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for, uh, something grape? Rachel: That'd be good. Ross: Alright. [He goes to get the glasses. Then he hesitates and turns off the main light. Rachel looks round and he acts surprised] The, uh, the neighbours must be vacuuming. [He sits down and starts to pour the wine] Well, so long as we're here and, uh, not on the subject, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other before, and, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we, um- [Barry bursts in] Barry: Rachel. Rachel: Barry?! Barry: I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you. Ross and Rachel: Oh! Ross: We have got to start locking that door! [Credits] [Credits scene: the other four in Central Perk. They are looking through Monica's high school yearbook] Monica: This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids? Phoebe: Nope. Monica: That's because I'm in front of them. Chandler: Eh. I thought that was an alp. Monica: Well, high school was not my favourite time. Joey: I dunno, I loved high school. Y'know? It was just four years of parties and dating and sex. Chandler: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice. Monica: Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago? Phoebe: Oh. Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! [She stands up and starts to dance around] Ooh! My butt cheek is waking up! Oooh! Ooh! END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x19 - The One Where the Monkey Gets Away"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Doty Abrams. Transcribed by guineapig. PRE-INTRO SCENE: RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT (ALL PRESENT) CHANDLER: I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much rather be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty. JOEY: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he's got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is. ROSS: I don't know, you don't wanna mess with corn nuts. They're craaazy. MONICA: (LOOKING OUT OF WINDOW) Oh my God. You guys! You gotta come see this! There's some creep out there with a telescope! ROSS: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us! RACHEL: Oh, that is so sick. CHANDLER: I feel violated. And not in a good way. PHOEBE: How can people do that?... (ALL BUT PHOEBE WALK AWAY FROM THE WINDOW IN DISGUST) Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots! OPENING TITLES SCENE 1: CENTRAL PERK (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL) CHANDLER: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games... MONICA: So have you called her yet? CHANDLER: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (THE GIRLS MAKE DISGUSTED NOISES) It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? (TO THE GUYS) I'm right, right? JOEY+ROSS: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle. MONICA: I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people. PHOEBE: Oh, God, just do it! (GETTING PHONE) Call her! Stop being so testosteroney! CHANDLER: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (CALLS HER, THEN HURRIEDLY HANGS UP) I got her machine. JOEY: Her answer machine? CHANDLER: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up. PHOEBE: So, uh, why didn't you say anything? CHANDLER: Oh, no no no no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase 'Yes indeedy-o'. MONICA: Look look! It's Rachel and Barry. No, don't everybody look at once! ROSS: Okay, okay, what's going on? PHOEBE: Okay, they're just talking... ROSS: Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he look like he was just told to shove anything? PHOEBE: No, no actually, he's smiling.. and... Oh my God, don't do that!! ROSS: What? What? What?! PHOEBE: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon! (ENTER RACHEL) Oh! CHANDLER: (BLUFFING) And basically, that's how a bill becomes a law. ALL: Oh!... Right! CHANDLER: Hey Rach! MONICA: How'd it go? RACHEL: Y'know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know you poke it and all the butter squirts out... PHOEBE: Not a good day for birds... RACHEL: Then we took a walk down to Bendall's, and I told him not to, but he got me a little bottle of Chanel... ROSS: That's nice... now, was that before or after you told him to stop calling, stop sending you flowers and to generally leave you alone, hmm? RACHEL: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to that... Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, y'know? It was comfortable, it was familiar... it was just nice! ROSS: That's, that's nice twice! MONICA: Rachel, what's going on? I mean isn't this the same Barry who you left at the altar? JOEY: Duh, where've you been? RACHEL: Yeah, but it was different with him today! And he wasn't, like, Orthodontist Guy, y'know? I mean, we had fun! Is there anything wrong with that? (ROSS 'PROMPTS' CHANDLER BY HITTING HIM ON THE ARM) CHANDLER: Yes! RACHEL: Why? CHANDLER: I have my reasons. MONICA: Okay, how about the fact that he's engaged to another woman, who just happens to be your ex- best friend? RACHEL: All right. All right all right all right all right, I know it's stupid! I will go see him this afternoon, and I will just put an end to it! (QUICK CUT TO THE POST-COITAL RACHEL AND BARRY IN BARRY'S SURGERY) RACHEL: Wow... Wow! BARRY: Yeah. RACHEL: I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that. BARRY: Nooo, it wasn't. RACHEL: Ooh, and it's so nice having this little sink here... SCENE 2: RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL) CHANDLER: (ON PHONE; READING FROM A SCRIPT) Oh, Danielle! I wasn't expecting the machine... Give me a call when you get a chance. (RATTLES SOME DISHES) Bye bye. (HANGS UP) Oh God! MONICA: THAT's what you've been working on for the past two hours?! CHANDLER: Hey, I've been honing! ROSS: What was with the dishes? CHANDLER: Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant.. y'know? I might have some kind of life, like I haven't been sitting around here honing for the past few hours. MONICA: (RE WINDOW) Look look! He's doing it again, the guy with the telescope! PHOEBE: Oh my God! (WALKS TO WINDOW) Go away! (GESTICULATING) Stop looking in here! MONICA: Great, now he's waving back. JOEY: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him looking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can't do stuff! MONICA: What kinda stuff..? JOEY: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when I'm cooking naked. PHOEBE: You cook naked? JOEY: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters. (A PAUSE AS THEY LOOK AT CHANDLER) CHANDLER: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that. SCENE 3: BARRY'S SURGERY (RACHEL AND BARRY ARE GETTING DRESSED) BARRY: What's the matter? RACHEL: Oh, it's just... Oh, Barry, this was not good. BARRY: No, it was. It was very very good. RACHEL: Well, what about Mindy? BARRY: Oh, way, way better than Mindy. RACHEL: No, not that, I mean, what about you and Mindy? BARRY: Well, if you want, I'll just- I'll just break it off with her. RACHEL: No. No no no no, no. I mean, don't do that. Not, I mean not for me. BERNICE: (OVER INTERCOM) Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush is here for his adjustment. BARRY: (INTO INTERCOM) Thanks, Bernice. (TO RACHEL) Let's go away this weekend. RACHEL: Oh, Barry..! Come on, this is all way too.. BARRY: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I went there on what would have been our honeymoon, it was, uh... it was really nice. You would've liked it. (PAUSE AS RACHEL REALISES...) RACHEL: I had a bra. (BARRY FINDS IT DRAPED ON A CUPBOARD AND GIVES IT TO RACHEL. THEY KISS. ENTER BOBBY) BOBBY: Hey, Dr. Farber. (RACHEL AND BARRY QUICKLY SPLIT AND PRETEND BARRY IS EXAMINING RACHEL'S MOUTH) BARRY: All right Miss Green, everything looks fine... Yep, I think we're starting to see some real progress here. (BOBBY LOOKS ON, DEADPAN) RACHEL: What?! BOBBY: I'm twelve, I'm not stupid. (RACHEL GIVES HIM A LOOK) SCENE 4: RACHEL+MONICA'S (ENTER CHANDLER CLUTCHING PHONE) CHANDLER: Can I use your phone? MONICA: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone. (CHANDLER DIALS HIS OWN PHONE. IT RINGS) CHANDLER: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back? JOEY: Maybe she never got your message. PHOEBE: Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didn't get her messages yet. CHANDLER: Y'don't think that makes me seem a little... ROSS: ...desperate, needy, pathetic? CHANDLER: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad. (HE CALLS) PHOEBE: How many beeps? CHANDLER: She answered. MONICA: Y'see, this is where you'd use that 'hello' word we talked about. CHANDLER: I'm not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message and is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy. (ENTER RACHEL) ALL: Hey! Hi! PHOEBE: How'd he take it? RACHEL: Pretty well, actually... (WANDERING INTO KITCHEN) MONICA: (WANDERING IN AFTER HER) Uh, Rach... how come you have dental floss in your hair? RACHEL: Oh, do I? MONICA: Uh huh. RACHEL: (LOW VOICE)....We ended up having sex in his chair. MONICA: You had SEX in his CHAIR?!... I said that a little too loudly, didn't I? ROSS: You- you had what? PHOEBE: Sex in his chair. ROSS: What, uh... what were you thinking? RACHEL: I don't know! I mean, we still care about each other. There's a history there. 'S'like you and Carol. ROSS: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol! RACHEL: Please. If she said to you, "Ross, I want you on this couch, right here, right now", what would you say? (ROSS FLOUNDERS) CHANDLER: If it helps, I could slide over. ROSS: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally diferent situation! It's, it's apples and oranges, it's, it's orthodontists and lesbi- I gotta go. PHOEBE: Where are you going? ROSS: (GOING) I just have to go, all right? Do I need a reason? Huh? I mean I have things to do with my life, I have a jam packed schedule, and I am late- for keeping up with it. Okay? (EXIT ROSS. A PHONE RINGS. CHANDLER DIVES FOR HIS PHONE) CHANDLER: Hello? Hello? (RACHEL PICKS UP THEIR PHONE.. AND THE RINGING STOPS. AS SHE TALKS ON THE PHONE, AN ELABORATE VISUAL GAG IS SPUN OUT WHICH IS TOO DIFFICULT TO DESCRIBE IN WORDS) RACHEL: Hello? Mindy! Hi! Hey, how are you? Yes, yes, I've heard, congratulations, that is so great. Really? Oh. Okay. Okay, well I'm working tomorrow, but if you want you can, you can, you can come by and... okay... great... great... all right, so I'll, so I'll see you tomorrow! Okay.. okay... bye. (SITS DOWN HEAVILY) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. CHANDLER: So how's Mindy? RACHEL: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh, she sounded really weird, I gotta call Barry... (DOES SO) Hi, it's me, I just.. Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that's where you'd be! (AD BREAK) SCENE 5: RACHEL AND MONICA'S (MORNING. CHANDLER IS SITTING, STARING AT HIS PHONE) (ENTER MONICA, WHO CREEPS UP NEXT TO CHANDLER) MONICA: Brrrrrrr! (CHANDLER CLUTCHES AT HIS PHONE BEFORE REALISING) CHANDLER: Hell is filled with people like you. (ENTER JOEY) JOEY: He's back! The peeper's back! (ENTER RACHEL FROM HER BEDROOM) JOEY: (DUCKING) Get down! RACHEL: Get down? CHANDLER: ...And boogie! RACHEL: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy. MONICA: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know. RACHEL: Please. I haven't heard from her in seven months, and now she calls me? I mean, what else is it about? Oh! She was my best friend, you guys! We went to camp together... she taught me how to kiss.. JOEY: (INTRIGUED) Yeah? RACHEL: And now, y'know, I'm like... I'm like the other woman! I feel so.. JOEY: ..Naughty! RACHEL: Right, I'll see you guys later... JOEY: Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or- (EXIT RACHEL, SLAMMING DOOR IN HIS FACE) That's fine, yeah... (EXIT JOEY) CHANDLER: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone? MONICA: Why don't you just take it with you? CHANDLER: Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee? MONICA: Why don't you just call her? CHANDLER: I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride. MONICA: Do you? CHANDLER: No! (CALLS) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone. Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great. Okay. (PUTS DOWN PHONE) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back. (DOES A LITTLE JIG) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back... MONICA: Don't you have to pee? CHANDLER: 'S'why I'm dancing... SCENE 6: CENTRAL PERK (RACHEL IS SERVING COFFEE. ENTER MINDY) RACHEL: Mindy. MINDY: Hey, you. RACHEL: Hey, you.... So, what's up? MINDY: Um.. we should really be sitting for this. RACHEL: Sure we should... So. MINDY: Now- I know things've been weird lately, but you're like my oldest friend in the world.. except for maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don't talk to anywhere, 'cause she's all bitter now that she lost the weight and it turns out she doesn't have a pretty face. ....Okay, I'm just gonna ask you this once, and I want a straight answer. RACHEL: Okay. MINDY: Will you be my maid of honour? RACHEL: Of course! MINDY: Oh that's so great! RACHEL: Was that all you wanted to ask me? MINDY: That's all! RACHEL: Ohhhh!! (MINDY STARTS TO SOB) ...What? What? MINDY: That's not all. RACHEL: Oh sure it is! MINDY: Oh no, it isn't! No! I think Barry is seeing someone in the city. RACHEL: Um, what- what would make you think that? MINDY: Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been acting really weird, and then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel. RACHEL: (DRAWS BACK) Really. Mindy, if it'll make you feel any better, when I was engaged to him he went through a whole weird thing too. MINDY: Oh God! You see, that's what I was afraid of! RACHEL: What? What's what you were afraid of? MINDY: Okay, okay... when Barry was engaged to you, he and I- kind of- had a little thing on the side. RACHEL: What? MINDY: I know. I know, and when he proposed to me, everyone said "Don't do it, he's just gonna do to you what he did to Rachel", and- now I feel so stupid. RACHEL: Uh.. Oh, Mindy, you are so stupid. Oh, we are both so stupid. MINDY: What do you mean? RACHEL: (OFFERS HER ARM TO MINDY. SHE SNIFFS) Smell familiar? MINDY: Oh no. RACHEL: Oh, I am so sorry. MINDY: No me, I am so sorry... (THEY HUG. ENTER JOEY) JOEY: (WATCHES THEM FOR A WHILE) Oh my. SCENE 7: MONICA AND RACHEL'S (PHOEBE AND ROSS ARE DOING CROSSWORDS. MONICA IS COOKING. CHANDLER IS STILL STARING AT HIS PHONE.) ROSS: Four letters: "Circle or hoop". CHANDLER: Ring dammit, ring! ROSS: Thanks. (ENTER JOEY) JOEY: Hey, you know our phone's not working? CHANDLER: What?! JOEY: I tried to call you from the coffee shop, and there was no answer. CHANDLER: (INVESTIGATING) I turned it off. Mother of God, I turned it off! MONICA: Just like you told her you did! (CHANDLER GIVES HER A LOOK) ... Just pointing out the irony. JOEY: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and talked to the doorman- I got the peeper's name! Can I use the phone? CHANDLER: Nngghhh!!!!!!! JOEY: (TO MONICA) Can I use your phone? (ON PHONE) Yeah, the number for a Sidney Marks, please. ROSS: "Heating device". PHOEBE: Radiator. ROSS: Five letters. PHOEBE: Rdtor. JOEY: Yeah, is Sidney there? Oh, this is? (TO THE gng) Sidney's a woman. MONICA: So she's a woman! So what? JOEY: Yeah. Yeah, so what? (TO PHONE) Look, I live across the street, (WALKING TO WINDOW) and I know all about you and your little telescope, and I don't appreciate it, okay? Yeah, I can see you right now! Hello! If I wanna walk around my apartment in my underwear, I shouldn't have to feel like- Thank you, but... that's not really the point... The point is that... mostly free weights, but occasionally.. MONICA: Joey!! JOEY: (STILL ON PHONE) Yeah, my neighbour... Yeah, the brunette... (TO MONICA) She says you looked very pretty the other day in the green dress. MONICA: The green dress? Really? JOEY: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day. MONICA: (WAVES DISMISSIVELY TO SIDNEY) Nooo! (CUT TO BARRY'S SURGERY. BARRY IS PREPARING TOOLS ALONE) (ENTER RACHEL) RACHEL: Hey. Got a second? BARRY: Sure, sure. Come on... (ENTER MINDY) ...in... MINDY: Hello, sweetheart. BARRY: Uh... uh... what're'you... what're'you guys doing here? RACHEL: Uh, we are here to break up with you. BARRY: Both of you? MINDY: Basically, we think you're a horrible human being, and bad things should happen to you. BARRY: I'm sorry... I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry, I'm an idiot, I was weak, I couldn't help myself! Whatever I did, I only did because I love you so much! RACHEL: Uh- which one of us are you talking to there, Barr? BARRY: ....Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was always Mindy. RACHEL: Even when we were having sex in that chair? BARRY: (TO MINDY) I swear, whatever I was doing, I was always thinking of you. RACHEL: Please! During that second time you couldn't have picked her out of a lineup! MINDY: (TO RACHEL) You did it twice? RACHEL: Well, the first time didn't really count... I mean, y'know, 's'Barry. MINDY: Okay... BARRY: (TO MINDY) Sweetheart, just gimme- gimme another chance, okay, we'll start all over again. We'll go back to Aruba. BERNICE: (OVER INTERCOM) Dr. Farber, we've got a bit of an emergency here...Jason Costalano is choking on his retainer. BARRY: Oh God... (TO INTERCOM) I'll be right there, Bernice. (TO MINDY) Look, please, please don't go anywhere, okay? I'll be- I'll be right back. (EXIT BARRY) RACHEL: Okay. Okay, we'll be here! Hating you! Did you see how he was sweating when he walked out of there? Listen honey, if I'm hogging the ball too much you just jump right in there and take a couple punches because I'm telling you, this feels GREAT. MINDY: Yeah... I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna marry him. RACHEL: What are you talking about?! Mindy, the guy is the devil! He's Satan in a smock! MINDY: Look, I know he's not perfect, but the truth is, at the end of the day, I still really wanna be Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber, DDS. RACHEL: Oh God. MINDY: I hope you can find some way to be happy for me. And I hope you'll still be my maid of honour...? RACHEL: And I hope Barry doesn't kll you and eat you in Aruba. SCENE 8: MONICA AND RACHEL'S (JUST MONICA AND RACHEL) MONICA: You okay? RACHEL: Yeah. MONICA: Really? RACHEL: Yeah! Y'know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding, I have wondered whether I made the right choice. And now I know. MONICA: Aww... (THEY HUG) (ENTER JOEY, WHO LOOKS ON APPROVINGLY) JOEY: Big day. CLOSING CREDITS SCENE: CENTRAL PERK (ALL PRESENT) JOEY: All right, I'll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat... PHOEBE: You know he's gay? ROSS: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut? (ENTER DANIELLE) DANIELLE: Chandler? CHANDLER: Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody. ALL: Hi. Hi. CHANDLER: What are you doing here? DANIELLE: Well, I've been calling you, but it turns out I had your number wrong. And when I finally got the right one from Information, there was no answer. So I thought I'd just come down here, and make sure you were okay. CHANDLER: ...I'm, I'm okay. DANIELLE: Listen uh, maybe we could get together later? CHANDLER: That sounds good. I'll call you- or you call me, whatever... DANIELLE: You got it. CHANDLER: Okay. DANIELLE: G'bye, everybody. ALL: Bye. PHOEBE: Whoo-hoo! MONICA: Yeah, there you go! ROSS: Second date! CHANDLER: ...I dunno. RACHEL: You DON'T KNOW? CHANDLER: Well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that? (THEY ALL GROAN AND h*t HIM.) END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x20 - The One With the Evil Orthodontist"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider. Transcribed by guineapig. [Pre-intro scene: Monica and Rachel's. Everyone is looking at papers] Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number? Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent! Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought. Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending. Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind. Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop. Monica: That's me. Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! [Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa] Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- [Marcel runs toward Rachel's room] come here, Marcel- Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him. Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping. Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase. Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey... Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal. Rachel: [Out of sht] Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey! Ross: What? Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious. [Intro] [Scene 1: Monica and Rachel's, late at night. Mon is still up examining her bill. Rachel emerges from her room] Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing. Monica: This woman's living my life. Rachel: What? Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies. Rachel: You're not an artist. Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't. Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things. Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we. Rachel: [Yawning] Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'... Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School? Rachel: [Yawning] Nooo... Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother. [Scene 2: Central Perk. Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names] Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi? Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral. Chandler: Joey... Switzerland? [The waitress brings their coffee] Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. [Waitress looks at him funny] Which I'm not. Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin? Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar. Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me... Joey: [Writes it down] Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good. Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph. [Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down] Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that! Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof. [Scene 3: Mon+Rach's. Mon is there, enter Phoebe and Rachel] Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Monica: Hi. [On the phone] Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were. Phoebe: What are you doing? Monica: [Hushes her] Alright, great. Thanks a lot. [Hangs up] I'm going to tap class. Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card? Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is. Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing. Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MONICA, DON'T DO IT!! ...Thank you. [Scene 4: Tap class. The girls are standing at the door] Monica: What d'you think? Phoebe: Lotsa things. [They go in and sit down] Rachel: Which one do you think she is? [The teacher comes up to them] Teacher: May I help you? Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe. Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there. Rachel: What does she mean? Phoebe: I think she means [Imitates] 'You dance a dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. [They put on some spare shoes] Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me? Teacher: [To the class] People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again! Rachel: She could be you. [Music starts] Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight... [Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders] Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this! Phoebe: [Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way] I'm totally getting it! Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated? [Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class] Rachel: What? You just click when they click. Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner. [The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it] Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dad, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel. Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again. Phoebe and Rachel: Aww. Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me. Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare. [She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in] Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new tense girl? Teacher: She's your partner. Woman: Hi. I'm Monica. Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana. Woman [Fake Monica]: Monana? Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch. Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. [Asks her something in Dutch] Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch. Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight... [Cut to Central Perk. Ross has just arrived] Ross: [Mortified] Hi. Chandler and Joey: Hey. Joey: Where've you been? Ross: At the vet. Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she? Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity. Joey: [To Chandler] Hey! He bat ya. Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent. Chandler: So what does this mean? Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up. [Commercial] [Scene 5: Central Perk- time lapse. The guys are sitting like the Three Monkeys] Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks! Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already? Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg. Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him? Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin', he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo. Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo? Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen. Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility. Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo. [Enter Phoebe, Monica and Rachel] Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl. Chandler: What? Joey: Did you call the cops? Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch. Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice. Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer. Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this- with this amazing spirit. Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader. Chandler: ...Take off their hats! Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke. [Scene 6: Monica and Rachel's. Mon, Rach and Fake Monica are there] Rachel: No way. No way did you do this. Fake Monica: Monana was very brave. Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the gn in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor! Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts... Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me! Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. [Exits] Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show. Monica: 'Scuse me? Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say? Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class. Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background. Monica: What? Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right? Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned. Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see d*ad Poets' Society? Monica: Uh-huh. Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back'. And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do. Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire. [Scene 7: Mon+Rach's, later. Everyone but Joey and Monica is there] Ross: [Reading letters] Oh God. [To Marcel] We didn't get into Scranton. [To the others] That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him. Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt. Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him? Rachel: Oh, somebody will. [Enter Joey] Joey: You know there already is a Joseph Stalin? Chandler: You're kidding. Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that! Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've. Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be? Phoebe: ...Flame Boy. [Scene 8: Central Perk. Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper] Ross: Where exactly is your zoo? Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel? Ross: Yes. Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals? Ross: Nono, he's, he's very docile. Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered? Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why? Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects? Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean... Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade? Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade? Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel. [Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel] Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego. Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing- Chandler: -He's in. Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego! Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains. [Scene 9: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk] Monica: Yo- hooo! Rachel: Where the hell've you been? Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party. Rachel: Are you drunk?! Monica: Noooo! [Comes closer and whispers] I'm lying. I am so drunk. Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried... [Monica is drinking from the tap] Rachel: Monica? Monica! Monica: Water rules! Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work? Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today. Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you! Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana! [The phone rings and Rachel answers] Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people. Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks. Rachel: What? Monica: They've arrested Monica. [Scene 10: NYC Department of Correction. Monica is visiting Fake Monica] Monica: Hi. Fake Monica: Hey. Monica: How are you? Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How- how did you know I was here? Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using. Fake Monica: That I was not expecting. Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in. Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks. Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theatre! Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'. Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus? Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus? Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering. Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are. Monica: Not necessarily... Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing. Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish. Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that? [Scene 11: Tap class. Monica is standing by the door] Teacher: You by the door. In or out? Monica: In. [She joins in the dancing. She still flounders] Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong! Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it! [Scene 12: The airport. Everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel] PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A. Phoebe: Okay. Goodbye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the 'plane. Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh! Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn. Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey. Ross: Just, just say what you feel. Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry. Ross: That was good. Rachel: [Brings Marcel a teddy bear] Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the 'plane. Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him. All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. [They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room] Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. [He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him] Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- [Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg] Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him. [Marcel is put in a cage and taken away. Closing credits] [Credits scene: A casting session somewhere] Actor: [Very melodramatically, and very badly] Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek... Casting Director #1: That's fine, thank you. Casting Director #2: Next. [Joey walks onstage] Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio. Casting Director #2: Name? Joey: Holden McGroin. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x21 - The One With The Fake Monica"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Alexa Junge. Transcribed by Mikael Hedberg [[email protected]] or [[email protected]]. [Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.] MONICA: Tell him. RACHEL: No. PHOEBE: Tell him, tell him. MONICA: Just...please tell him. RACHEL: Shut up! CHANDLER: Tell me what? MONICA: Look at you, you won't even look at him. CHANDLER: [sarcastically] Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women wonīt look at me. RACHEL: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were... PHOEBE: Doing it on this table. [points at the table] CHANDLER: Wow! JOEY: Exellent dream score. ROSS: Why, why, why would you dream that? CHANDLER: More importantly, was I any good? RACHEL: Well, you were pretty damnedy good. CHANDLER: Interesting, cause in my dreams, Iīm allways surprisingly inadequate. [Monica pats him on his lap] RACHEL: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table. ROSS: I love it, when we share. [Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.] CHANDLER: Youīre okay there? ROSS: I canīt belive you two had sex in her dream. CHANDLER: Iīm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody elseīs subconscious. OPENING CREDITS [Time lapse. Chandler is sitting on the table.] CHANDLER: Hi Rachel. RACHEL: Get off. PHOEBE: [points at Joeyīs pen] Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press? JOEY: I donīt know. What are you wearing? [Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him] ROSS: Phoebs, why would you want to operate a drill press? PHOEBE: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients. CHANDLER: Pirates again? PHOEBE: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop". And they are. JOEY: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you. CHANDLER: [sarcasticly] Thanks Joey, thatīs a good idea. PHOEBE: What... I could, I could do it. What is it? CHANDLER: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. Itīs a whole big boob story. PHOEBE: I could be a secretary. CHANDLER: Well, you know Phoebs. I donīt know if itīs your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day. PHOEBE: I could do that. [Rossīs beeper goes off] RACHEL: What are you playing with? ROSS: Oh, itīs my new beeper. JOEY: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for? MONICA: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, theyīre still extinct.' ROSS: No, itīs for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO. CHANDLER: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid. MONICA: All right, Iīll see you guys later. [raises] RACHEL: Off to see young Ethan? MONICA: Thank you. JOEY: How young is young Ethan? Young? MONICA: Heīs... our age. CHANDLER: When we were? MONICA: Okay, heīs a senior in college. ROSS: College? JOEY: Whoa! CHANDLER: And this manchild has no problem with how old you are? MONICA: No, of course not. Itīs not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22. ALL: What? MONICA: Oh, I canīt pass for 22? PHOEBE: Well, maybe 25-26. MONICA: I am 26. PHOEBE: There you go. [Scene: Chandlerīs office. He and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.] CHANDLER: Can you hear that? PHOEBE: [plays with a thumbtack remover] Yeah? CHANDLER: See Thatīll stop when you pick up the phone. PHOEBE: Oh. Uh, Iīm on. [picks up the phone] PHOEBE: [with a deep voice] Mr. Bingīs office. No Iīm sorry, heīs in a meeting right now. CHANDLER: Iīm not in a meeting. Iīm right... Whoops. PHOEBE: Will he know what this is in reference to? And he has your number? All right, Iīll see that he gets the message. Bye bye. CHANDLER: What? PHOEBE: Ross says hi. CHANDLER: Ah! PHOEBE: This is so fun. All right, what do we do now? CHANDLER: Well, now, I actually have to get to work. PHOEBE: Most likely. [raises and goes toward the door] Okay, Iīm gonna be out there. CHANDLER: Okay. PHOEBE: All right. Bye bye. CHANDLER: Bye bye. [The intercom buzzes] PHOEBE: Whatcha doinī? CHANDLER: Ooh. [leans against the desk] [Scene: Monica and Rachelīs apartment. Itīs just them there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows.] MONICA: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, beltīs to tight, gotta change the belt. Did i turn the fish? [goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner] No, cause I made lasagne. Am I out of control? RACHEL: Just a touch. Mon, I donīt understand. I mean, youīve been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh. MONICA: What? RACHEL: Could tonight be the Night? MONICA: I donīt know. Look heīs a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You donīt plan these things. RACHEL: So, did you shave your legs? MONICA: Yeah. RACHEL: Aha! [Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.] JOEY: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesnīt mean... [Rossīs beeper goes off] ROSS: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god itīs baby time. Baby time. JOEY: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool. [Ross dials a number on his cellular phone] ROSS: [on phone] Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. [pause] No, André is not here. [to Joey] Third time today. [on phone] Yes, Iīm sure... No, sir. I donīt perform those kind of services. JOEY: Services? Oh, services. ROSS: [on phone] Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, thatīs right. Thatīs right, JUMBO with a U, sir. [pause] No, belive me, you donīt want me. Judging by his number, Iīd be a huge disappointment. [pause] All rightie, bye bye. [Phoebe and Chandler enters] JOEY: Hey, hey. How was the first day? PHOEBE: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice. CHANDLER: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. [Joey and Ross wonder what he means] Me. PHOEBE: No, I didnīt tell anybody that I knew you. CHANDLER: Why not? PHOEBE: Oh, because, you know... they donīt like you. CHANDLER: What? PHOEBE: I thought you knew that. CHANDLER: Noho. Why doesnīt they like me? PHOEBE: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone. CHANDLER: What are you talking about? PHOEBE: Donīt feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now youīre like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing". [Joey and Ross laughs] CHANDLER: I canīt belive it. PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah. They even do you. CHANDLER: They do me? PHOEBE: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report be any later?' [Joey and Ross laughs] CHANDLER: I donīt sound like that. ROSS: Oh, oh Chandler... JOEY: Oh... Yeah, you do. ROSS: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.' [Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs] JOEY: [reaches for hi scones] My scones. PHOEBE, JOEY & ROSS: 'My scones.' [Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again] CHANDLER: Okay, I donīt sound like that. That is so not true. [Joey and Chandler laughs] CHANDLER: That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up! [Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs] [Scene: Monica and Rachelīs apartment. Monica and Ethan are sitting in the couch.] MONICA: Did not. ETHAN: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gn was an actual place wher crimes happen. MONICA: How was that possible? ETHAN: Well, think about it. Itīs always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gn.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at g*n.' You know, I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? Oh, ah. I should go. MONICA: Okay. [They kiss] ETHAN: Okay. MONICA: Unless-- ETHAN: What? MONICA: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, Iīm going to, so... ETHAN: Yeah, Iīd really like that. [They kiss] ETHAN: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know. MONICA: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'Iīm secretly married to a goat'? ETHAN: Well itīs somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, Iīm not uh..., well I, I mean I havenīt ever uh... MONICA: Ethan-- ETHAN: Yeah? MONICA: Are you a virgin? ETHAN: Well, if thatīs what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, Iīve kinda been waiting for the right person. MONICA: Really? ETHAN: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right? [They kiss] [Time lapse. They are now in Monicaīs bedroom, on the bed.] ETHAN: Wow! MONICA: You keep saying that. ETHAN: You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practise it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that. [They kiss] MONICA: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to. ETHAN: Oh god, donīt tell me, I did it wrong. MONICA: No no. Nothing wrong about that. ETHAN: Oh. MONICA: Um, okay, here it goes. Iīm not 22. Iīm, Iīm 25... and thirteen months. ETHAN: Huh! MONICA: But I figured, you know, that shouldnīt change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are. [They kiss] ETHAN: Uh, listen um, as long as weīre telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. Iīm a little younger than I said. MONICA: Youīre not a senior? ETHAN: Oh, Iīm a senior... in High School. MONICA: Ok...ay. [Time lapse] MONICA: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasnīt alive during the Bicentennial. ETHAN: I just had sex. MONICA: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me? ETHAN: Well, you never told me how old you were. MONICA: Well, thatīs different. My lie didnīt make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking? ETHAN: I wasnīt thinking. I was too busy fallin'-- MONICA: Donīt say it. [closes Ethanīs mouth with her hand] ETHAN: --in love with you. MONICA: Really? ETHAN: [nods] Sorry. MONICA: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldnīt even be here, itīs a school night. Oh god, oh god. Iīm like those women that you see with shiny guys like Chad. Iīm Joan Collins. ETHAN: Who? [Scene: Monica and Rachelīs apartment. Everyone exept Monica is there.] ROSS: [on phone] Okay, André should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. [to Phoebe] Just easier that way. CHANDLER: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream. RACHEL: No, forget it. CHANDLER: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy? RACHEL: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. [Camera fades to Ross, whoīs listening very carefully] Joey was there too. JOEY: All right. ROSS: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybody else there. RACHEL: No. ROSS: Youīre sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything? RACHEL: No, it was just the three of us. ROSS: Huh! JOEY: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler? RACHEL: He, he, he. You know what? JOEY: What? RACHEL: There were times when it wasnīt even me. [Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other] PHOEBE: That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them] [Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesnīt hear what the others say] ROSS, RACHEL & PHOEBE: Hey, Mon. RACHEL: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon? ALL: [shouting] Mon! [Monica takes of her walkman] MONICA: What? RACHEL: Ethan called again. MONICA: Oh. ROSS: Are you not seeing him anymore? MONICA: No. You know, sometimes just things doesnīt work out. CHANDLER: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym. [Monica stares at Rachel] RACHEL: I, I didnīt say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear. JOEY: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is? [Ross and Chandler laughs] ROSS: Oh, yeah. MONICA: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now? JOEY, CHANDLER & ROSS: Sorry. ROSS: Itīs morphin time! JOEY: Stegosaurus! CHANDLER: Tyrannosaurus! [They all cross theyīre arms like the "Power Rangers" do] PHOEBE: Ooh, oh, Iīve gotta go. [raises] Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. [sits down, and then raises again] Cool! RACHEL: Where are you going? PHOEBE: Um, oh, Iīve got a birthday party, with some work people. CHANDLER: Work people? Nobody told me. PHOEBE: No, I know. Thatīs a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravagance. CHANDLER: You know, I donīt get this. A month aga, these people were my friends. You know, just because Iīm in charge doesnīt mean iīm a different person. PHOEBE: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are. CHANDLER: You think I should? PHOEBE: I really do, yeah. CHANDLER: Okay. PHOEBE: Okay. CHANDLER: Okay. PHOEBE: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I donīt wanna be the geek that invited the boss. [Scene: Chandlerīs office. He and Phoebe are taking a break from work.] CHANDLER: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing "Ebony and Ivory". PHOEBE: You were great. But they still made fun of you. CHANDLER: What? PHOEBE: You know, now youīre more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss", "Mr.", you know, "Iīm one of you, Boss", "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing" CHANDLER: Then, I donīt get it. PHOEBE: Well, you know what Chandler? I think youīve gotta face it. Youīre like, the guy in the big office, you know. Youīre the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say youīre a great boss. CHANDLER: They do? PHOEBE: Uh huh. But theyīre not your friends anymore. CHANDLER: I just wanīt to-- PHOEBE: No, but you canīt. CHANDLER: But I just wa-- PHOEBE: Uh uh. [Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is there. Rossīs beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.] MONICA: Arenīt you gonna-- ROSS: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means sheīs having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it. JOEY: What about André? ROSS: Oh, welll this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know. [Ethan enters] ETHAN: Hey. MONICA: That was gonna be my opener. RACHEL: [understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone] Hey, did you guys check out those new handdryers in the bathroom? ROSS: I thought that was just a rumour. RACHEL: True story. JOEY: Theyīre here allready? [Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom] ETHAN: All right, look. Iīve gotta tell you something. Iīm not 17. I only said so that youīd think I was cute and vunerable. Iīm actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, Iīm your congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, weīre great together. We can talk , we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great. MONICA: It was. ETHAN: Then, whatīs the problem? MONICA: Ethan, itīs um... itīs icky. ETHAN: Icky? Youīre actually gonna throw this away because itīs icky? MONICA: This isnīt easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really-- ETHAN: No, donīt say it. [closes Monicaīs mouth with his hand] MONICA: --love you. [Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan arenīt finished talking to each other yet.] ROSS: Are youīre hands still wet? JOEY: Uh, moist, yeah. RACHEL: Letīs dry īem again. [They go to the bathroom again] [Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some employeesīs conversation. One of them is doing Chandler.] GERSTON: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? [They discover that Chandler is listening] Hey, Chandler. SANTOS: Hello, Mr. Bing. PETRIE: Loved your "Stevie Wonder" last night. CHANDLER: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, Iīm gonna need them on my desk by nine oīclock. SANTOS: Sure. GERSTON: No problem. [They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler] CHANDLER: You have to give īem something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and whoīs the guy with the moustache? PHOEBE: Petrie. CHANDLER: Petrie, right, right. Okay, somebodyīs gonna be working this weekend. [Scene: Monica and Rachelīs apartment. Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.] RACHEL: [talks in her sleep] Oooooooooh. [Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently] Oh, thatīs nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross. [Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips allmost immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.] RACHEL: Ross? ROSS: Iīm here. RACHEL: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just... ROSS: What? [his beeper goes off] Great, now Iīm having a baby. RACHEL: What? ROSS: Ooh, Ooh. RACHEL: What? ROSS: Iīm having... Iīm having a baby. [jumps back onto the table again] Iīm having a... Whereīs the phone? The phone? RACHEL: I donīt know where the phone is. [Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor] RACHEL: Ross? ROSS: Iīm hurt. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: The hall between the apartments. Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the hospital.] ROSS: Monica, letīs go. Come on now people, woman in labor. [Chandler struts out from his apartment] CHANDLER: Hey Ross, look what Iīve got going here. ROSS: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay. [Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands] ROSS: What are you doing? Weīre going to a hospital. RACHEL: What, so I canīt lokk nice? There might be doctors there. ROSS: Joey, get out of the fridge. JOEY: All right, all right. [he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand] ROSS: What is that? [refering to the sandwich] JOEY: For the ride. CHANDLER: Yeah, like in a cab-- ROSS: Save it. CHANDLER: Okay, hating this. ROSS: Monica, come on now. Letīs go, baby coming. [Monica enters from their apartment, crying] MONICA: I canīt belive it, Iīm gonna be an aunt. Iīm gonna have like a nephew. ROSS: Thatīs nice. Get out Letīs go, come on. JOEY: All rihgt, Iīm going. Iīm going. [They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.] CHANDLER: Here we go, here we go. RACHEL: Rossy, Rossy. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x22 - The One With the Ick Factor"}	foreverdreaming
Story by David Crane & Marta Kauffman Teleplay by Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]]. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein [[email protected]]. [Scene: The hospital. Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room, waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.] ROSS: She's not here yet. She's not here. She's having my baby and she's not here. MNCA: I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broke yet? ROSS: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug. [Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.] JOEY: Do we have to know about that? MNCA: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby? JOEY: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars. CHAN: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's. ROSS: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab. RACH: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction. [Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a tasteless comment.] RACH: What, it's ok when Chandler does it? CHAN: You have to pick your moments. [PHoebe arrives, guitar in hand.] PHOE: Did I miss it, did I miss it? ROSS: She's not even here yet. MNCA: What's with the guitar? PHOE: I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get musical. [Carol and Susan arrive.] ROSS: [to Carol] Where the hell have you been? SUSAN: We stopped at the gift shop. CAROL: I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky. ROSS: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, ok, a baby, you don't stop for Chunkys. CHAN: I used to have that bumper sticker. [Everyone is amused by Chandler's comment.] CHAN: [to Rachel] You see what I mean. Opening Credits [Scene: Inside the hospital room. Carol is on the bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.] ROSS: Stopped for a Chunky. CAROL: Let it go, Ross. SUSAN: I got an extra one. You want this? [holds the candy in front of Ross' face] ROSS: [weakly] No. [Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau (FRNZ) arrives.] FRNZ: Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing? ROSS: Dr. Franzblau, hi. FRNZ: So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with your contractions? CAROL: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus. SUSAN: They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds. ROSS: 59 seconds. [holds up his watch] Quartz, ha. SUSAN: Swiss quartz, ha, ha. CAROL: Am I allowed to drink anything? FRNZ: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station. ROSS: I'll get it. SUSAN: No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back. ROSS: I got it--I'm getting it! [They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.] RACH: Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips. CAROL: Thanks. RACH: And if you need anything else, I--[notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau]--do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate. FRNZ: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician. RACH: Oh, that's funny! [Scene: Back in the waiting room. Chandler is falling asleep on Monica's shoulder.] MNCA: I want a baby. CHAN: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow. MNCA: Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee. CHAN: Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that. [Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.] JOEY: [to the screen] sht! sht! sht! sht, or just fall down. That's good too. [A young pregnant woman (LYDIA) enters.] LYDIA: Knick fan? JOEY: Oh, yeah. LYDIA: Oh, boy, do they suck. JOEY: Hey, listen, lady....[sees that she's pregnant]...whoa. LYDIA: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice sht. You know what, he couldn't ht water if he was standing on a boat. JOEY: Oh yeah? And who do you like? LYDIA: The Celtics. JOEY: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't ht a boat if...wait. They suck, alright? LYDIA: Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year. You... waah! JOEY: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father! LYDIA: There is no father. JOEY: Oh, oh, oh, sorry. LYDIA: Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh! JOEY: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin' in here. LYDIA: Ok. [Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.] [Scene: The waiting room. Phoebe is playing a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there as well.] PHOE: (singing) They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch, and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, you cry and you cry and you cry. And you cry and you cry and you cry... [Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.] PHOE: Thanks, Ross. ROSS: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop. PHOE: Ok. [A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.] PHOE: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute. MNCA: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two? CHAN: You'll get one. MNCA: Oh yeah? When? CHAN: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one? MNCA: Why won't I be married when I'm 40? CHAN: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically. MNCA: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40? CHAN: No, no, no. MNCA: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me? CHAN: [trapped] Uh, uh. MNCA: Well? CHAN: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! [throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in] [Rachel enters, in a formal dress.] RACH: Hey. PHOE: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress. MNCA: Did you go home and change? RACH: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by? MNCA: No, I haven't seen him. RACH: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. What if the baby needs him? CHAN: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor? RACH: Yeah, why? CHAN: No reason. [turns around, makes an 'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes] [Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. Lydia is on the phone with her mother.] LYDIA: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm not calling him. I don't care if it is his kid, the guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. [pause] What do you mean, Joey who? [covers the phone, to Joey] Joey who? JOEY: Tribbiani. LYDIA: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. [to Joey] She wants to talk to you. Take the phone. JOEY: [takes phone] Hi, yeah, it's me. Oh, no no no, we're just friends. [pause] Yeah, I'm single. [pause] 25. An actor. [pause] Hello? LYDIA: She's not much of a phone person. JOEY: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin' my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you know? LYDIA: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood? Uh, no. JOEY: Ok, look, maybe I should just go. LYDIA: Maybe you should. JOEY: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh? [He leaves, but then returns a moment later.] JOEY: You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team. LYDIA: Oh, that is so not true. JOEY: Oh, it is. LYDIA: It isn't. JOEY: It is. LYDIA: Isn't! [Scene: Ross, Susan, and Carol in the hospital room. Ross and Susan are both coaching Carol.] ROSS: Breathe. SUSAN: Breathe. ROSS: Breathe. SUSAN: Breathe. ROSS: Breathe. SUSAN: Breathe. CAROL: You're gonna kll me! ROSS: 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12... CAROL: Count faster. SUSAN: It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on Jordie. ROSS: Who the hell is Jordie? SUSAN: Your son. ROSS: No no no. I don't have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie. CAROL: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie. ROSS: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco. CAROL: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp. ROSS: I got it. SUSAN: I got it. ROSS: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps. SUSAN: No, you don't. CAROL: All right, that's it. I want both of you out. ROSS: Why? SUSAN: He started it! ROSS: No, you started it. SUSAN: You did! CAROL: I don't care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you're not making it any easier. ROSS: But-- CAROL: Now go! ROSS: [to Susan] Thanks a lot. SUSAN: [to Ross] See what you did. ROSS: [to Carol] Yeah, listen-- CAROL: OUT! [Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.] [Scene: Joey is helping Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now present in her room as well.] NURSE: Breathe, breathe, breathe... LYDIA: Oh, no. [Joey looks down at Lydia.] JOEY: Ew! What is that? Something exploded! NURSE: It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you? JOEY: [panicked] Water breaking, what do you mean? What's that, water breaking? NURSE: [to Joey] Breathe, breathe, breathe. [Scene: Out in the hall. Ross and Susan are arguing.] ROSS: Please. This is so your fault. SUSAN: How, how is this my fault? ROSS: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along. SUSAN: Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along. ROSS: You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady? SUSAN: You know what your problem is? You're thrat by me. ROSS: Oh, I'm thrat by you? SUSAN: Yes. [Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom closet.] PHOE: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it! ROSS: Yeah, Susan. PHOE: Don't make me do this again, I don't like my voice like this. [Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.] PHOE: Ok, who wants to hear something ironic? Commercial Break [Scene: The broom closet. Ross and Susan are trying to get out.] ALL: Help! ROSS: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. [walks backwards as if he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls] Ow. [Scene: Carol's room. Rachel and Dr. Franzblau are there with her.] CAROL: Are they here yet? RACH: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok? CAROL: Ok. RACH: Ok? CAROL: Ok. RACH: [to Dr. Franzblau] Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating. FRNZ: It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel. [Carol sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau casually lay her back down] There you go, dear. [Scene: Lydia's room. Joey is helping her deliver.] JOEY: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder, harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let's-- [notices the nurse looking at him strangely] I was just--yeah, right. Push! Push! [Scene: The broom closet. Ross has picked up a vacuum and is holding it at the door.] SUSAN: What're you gonna do, suck the door open? ROSS: Help! Help! PHOE: (singing) They found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next...[sees Ross and Susan staring at her] la la la la la la. SUSAN/ROSS: [even louder] Help! [Scene: The waiting room. Monica is on the phone with her mother, Chandler is standing behind her.] MNCA: Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really. Yeah, Ross is great. He's uh, he's in a whole other place. No, he's gone. No no, you don't have to fly back, really. What do you mean this might be your only chance? Would you stop? I'm only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet. [Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey enters.] CHAN: Where have you been? JOEY: Oh, just had a baby. CHAN: Mazel tov! [Scene: Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.] FRNZ: I don't know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, she's doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone? RACH: [anxiously] No, no, not at the moment, no, I'm not. Are you? FRNZ: No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me. RACH: Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute doctors. FRNZ: No, no, really. I suppose it's because I spend so much time, you know, where I do. RACH: Oh. FRNZ: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard, when you... do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do? RACH: I'm a waitress. FRNZ: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of coffee'... RACH: [getting the point] Yeah. Gotcha. FRNZ: I'm gonna go check up on your friend. RACH: Ok. That's fine. [takes her earrings out] [Scene: Joey is walking up to Lydia's room with balloons, but before he enters he sees that the baby's father (GUY) has arrived. He listens at the door.] LYDIA: So how did you know I was even here? GUY: Your mom called me. So is this her? LYDIA: No, this is a loaner. GUY: I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself. LYDIA: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. [Joey smiles] So, did you see who won the game? GUY: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck. LYDIA: Yeah, they're not so bad. [Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.] [Scene: The broom closet. Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no success.] ROSS: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. [to Susan] This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you. SUSAN: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have. ROSS: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me? SUSAN: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day. ROSS: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day. PHOE: This is so great. ROSS: You wanna explain that? PHOE: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. [pause] I'm sorry, you were fighting. [Scene: Carol's room. She is ready to give birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe, Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.] CAROL: Where are they? MNCA: I'm sure they'll be here soon. RACH: Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this. JOEY: Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station. CHAN: [to Joey] You are really frightening me. [Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by the shirt.] CHAN: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. [they pull her hand off of him] Uh, that's great. [looking around] Anybody seen a nipple? FRNZ: All right, ten centimeters, here we go. NURSE: All right, honey, time to start pushing. CAROL: But they're not here yet! FRNZ: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them. CAROL: Oh, god. [Scene: The broom closet. Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe is wearing a janitor's uniform, ready to go up in the vent.] ROSS: Ok, got the vent open. PHOE: [reading the nametag on the uniform] Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue! ROSS: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, That's it, Ben. [Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.] SUSAN: What do you see? PHOE: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent. [A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.] ROSS: Phoebs, It's open! It's open! [Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.] JANITOR: [to Ross and Susan] Wait! You forgot your legs! [Scene: Carol's room. Ross and Susan rush in.] ALL: Push, push! ROSS: We're here! CAROL: [irked] Where have you been? ROSS: Long story, honey. FRNZ: All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need--[reaches for an instrument, Rachel's hand is on it] Excuse me, could I have this? NURSE: All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go! ALL: Good luck! [Everyone heads for the door.] CHAN: [to nurse] Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner? NURSE: Out! FRNZ: All right, he's crowning. Here he comes. ROSS: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, it's, it's huge. Carol, how are you doing this? CAROL: [straining] Not.... helping! FRNZ: You're doing great, you're doing fine. ROSS: [puts his head near the baby] Hello! [to Dr. Franzblau] Oh, sorry. SUSAN: What do you see? What do you see? ROSS: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person. SUSAN: Oh, look at that. CAROL: What does he look like? ROSS: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jello. CAROL: Really? PHOE: You guys, he's beautiful! ROSS: Oh, thanks, Pheebs! [They look up towards the vent and wave at Phoebe.] [Scene: The delivery room. Carol is holding the infant.] SUSAN: No shouting, but we still need a name for this little guy. ROSS: [thinking] How 'bout Ben? SUSAN: I like Ben. CAROL: Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you never mentioned Ben before? ROSS: We uh, we just cooked it up. SUSAN: That's what we were off doing. [Monica opens the door.] MNCA: Hi. ROSS: Hey. MNCA: Can we come in? [The whole g*ng enters.] ROSS: [to Ben] I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody. PHOE: Susan, he looks just like you. SUSAN: Thanks. RACH: Oh, god, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these. CHAN: I know, I still am one of these. MNCA: Ross, can I? [Monica holds Ben.] ROSS: The head, the head. You gotta... MNCA: [getting choked up] Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm your Aunt Monica. I...I will always have gum. Closing Credits [The camera is placed as though it were Ben's eyes.] ROSS: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. [walks out of the picture] But I'll still always come back, like this. [returns] And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. [walks away] But I'll still always come back, like this. [returns] [Chandler comes into the picture.] CHAN: And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this. [The rest of the group come into the picture.] MNCA: He is so amazing. RACH: Oh, I know. Look at him. JOEY: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name. PHOE: Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes. [screen goes blank] Look, he's opening his eyes. [picture comes back] JOEY: He doesn't do much, does he? ROSS: No, this is pretty much it. [long moment of silence] RACH: You guys wanna get some coffee? ALL: Yeah. ROSS: All right, I'll see you guys later. [They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.] PHOE: Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x23 - The One With the Birth"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Chris Brown. Transcribed by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Central Perk. The whole gng is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.] ROSS: And here's little Ben nodding off... MNCA: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy! PHOE: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut! RACH: Oh, let me see! [grabs picture] Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over! [Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.] ROSS: [quietly] That would be nice. [Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.] RACH: Pardon? CHAN: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. [walks over to where Joey is seated] [Joey is looking at his check.] JOEY: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back. CHAN: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars. JOEY: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time. CHAN: [sigh]... And where's this money coming from? [gives money to Joey] JOEY: Well... I'm helping out down at the NYU Med School with some... research. ROSS: [overhearing] What kind of research? JOEY: Oh, just, y'know.... science. ROSS: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. [everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over] JOEY: [sigh]... It's a fertility study. [Rachel laughs.] MNCA: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time. JOEY: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars. ROSS: Hey. PHOE: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist! Credits [Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's birthday.] MNCA: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns... PHOE: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... [hands meat to Monica] [Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.] CHAN: [in a deep voice] Men are here. JOEY: We make fre. Cook meat. CHAN: Then put out fre by peeing, no get invited back. MNCA/PHOE: Ewww! MNCA: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late. JOEY: Oh, OK. PHOE: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your [provocatively] special someone? JOEY: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great. MNCA: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project? JOEY: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup? MNCA: Man's got a point. JOEY: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me. CHAN: Crazy bitch. JOEY: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean. MNCA: Joey... we always know what you mean. [Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fre, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.] PHOE: Hey. MNCA: Hey. ROSS: Hey. [Phoebe sees his bags] PHOE: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last? ROSS: I'm going to China. PHOE: Jeez, you say one thing, and... MNCA: You're going to China? ROSS: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo--it's--it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary [hands a sheet of paper to Monica]. Um... here's a picture of me... [hands it to Monica] PHOE: Oh, let me see! [takes the picture] ROSS: [to Monica]: Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me? MNCA: Yeah. [Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.] PHOE: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... [puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her] Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun. ROSS: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left. MNCA: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl. ROSS: Oh. [pause] Hey, who's Carl? MNCA: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse. ROSS: No. PHOE: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the-- ROSS: At the coffeehouse, right. PHOE: So you do know who he is! [laughs, Ross stares at her] Sorry. ROSS: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys. PHOE: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story. [Ross goes outisde on the balcony.] ROSS: Hi. JOEY: Hey! CHAN: Hey! ROSS: [sigh]....I have to go to China. JOEY: The country? ROSS: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is? CHAN: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no. ROSS: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight. JOEY: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!? CHAN: Forget about her. JOEY: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food. CHAN: Course there, they just call it food. ROSS: Yeah... I guess. I don't--I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? [gives Chandler a gift for Rachel] JOEY: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you. ROSS: I know. JOEY: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. [Joey gives Ross a hug] CHAN: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice. [Time lapse. Melanie (MELN), Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.] MELN: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.' JOEY: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit. CHAN: [sarcastic] Ooooh. [looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity] MNCA: [gets up] OK, how does everybody like their burgers? RACH: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. [walks into living room] [Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.] MNCA: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up? JOEY: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I-- [Monica rolls her eyes.] JOEY: Then you do. Heh, heh. MNCA: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her? JOEY: What do you mean? MNCA: Y'know, just be there for her. [Long pause... Joey looks confused.] JOEY: Not following you. MNCA: Think about it. [They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.] RACH: OK, I'm guessing this is from... [Melanie smiles.] RACH: Well, thank you, Melanie. CHAN: [pointing out a gift] OK, this one right here is from me. RACH: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light... [shakes it]...it rattles... it's... [opens it] Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! [she gives it back to him] [Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.] RACH: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...[opens it]...it's a book! PHOE: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss! JOEY: [to Rachel]: That book got me through some tough times. MELN: There is a little child inside this man! CHAN: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die. [Rachel picks up the next gift.] RACH: Who's this from? CHAN: Oh, that's Ross's. RACH: Oh... [opens it]... [sees it is a pin] Oh my God. He remembered. PHOE: Remembered what? RACH: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered! CHAN: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? [pats his Travel Scrabble game] PHOE: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. MNCA: I can't believe he did this. CHAN: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? [Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel.] RACH: What did you just say? CHAN: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck. RACH: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part? CHAN: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah.... flennin.... RACH: Oh.... my God. CHAN: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no.... JOEY: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Same as before, a few moments later.] RACH: I mean, this is unbelievable. PHOE: I know. This is really, really huge. CHAN: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee. PHOE: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again. CHAN: OK, is there a mute button on this woman? MNCA: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea? RACH: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... [to Joey]: W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me? JOEY: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something. RACH: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. [gets up to leave] CHAN: [quickly] H-He's in China! JOEY: The country. MNCA: No, no, wait. [checks Ross's itinerary] His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes. CHAN: What about the time difference? MNCA: From here to the airport? CHAN: Yes! [Rachel walks towards door] You're never gonna make it! MNCA: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him? RACH: I-I-I don't know. CHAN: Well then maybe you shouldn't go. JOEY: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait. MNCA: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now. RACH: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him. PHOE: Here, look, alright, does this help? [Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.] RACH: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. [opens door] CHAN: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! [she leaves] [Scene: Airport. Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant (FLGT) is there.] ROSS: [something in Chinese] FLGT: Alright! ROSS: Ni-chou chi-ma! [walks onto jetway] [Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.] RACH: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.... [Rachel gets up to the jetway.] FLGT: Hi! RACH: Hi. FLGT: May I see your boarding pass? RACH: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend. FLGT: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass. RACH: No, I know, but I--he just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just... FLGT: No no no! Federal regulations! RACH: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important. FLGT: Alright. What's the message? RACH: Uh... I don't know. [Scene: On the jetway. The flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.] FLGT: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you. MAN: [confused] What? FLGT: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back. MAN: [to wife]: Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze. [Scene: Joey's bedroom. He and Melanie are in bed together.] MELN: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute! JOEY: Heh, heh. It was nothin'. MELN: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you! [she starts kissing his chest] JOEY: [panicked] Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn. MELN: [surprised] M-Me again? JOEY: Sure! Why not? MELN: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow. [Joey starts to kiss her.] MELN: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be. JOEY: How do you mean? MELN: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman. [Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.] MNCA: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out? RACH: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross. PHOE/MNCA: Sure. RACH: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great. MNCA: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date! PHOE: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date. MNCA: Another good point. PHOE: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed. RACH: [confused] Huh? PHOE: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out? MNCA: Why isn't it working out? RACH: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't. MNCA: Is he not cute enough for you? RACH: No! MNCA: Does he not make enough money? RACH: No, I'm just.... PHOE: Maybe there's someone else. RACH: Wha-- MNCA: Is there? Is there someone else? RACH: No! There is.. there is noone else! MNCA: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.] CHAN: Hey, big-- JOEY: Shhhh! CHAN: [quietly] --spender. JOEY: She's still asleep. CHAN: So how'd it go? JOEY: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed? CHAN: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me. JOEY: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade! CHAN: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route. JOEY: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level. CHAN: I didn't know you had another level. JOEY: I know! Neither did I! [Scene: Monica's apartment, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.] MNCA: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present? RACH: Yeah. MNCA: Oh, from who? RACH: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me. MNCA: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B? RACH: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this--this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea. MNCA: Oh, why? RACH: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna-- MNCA: [gets up] No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure! RACH: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so... MNCA: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise. [Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.] RACH: Who is it? VOICE: It's me, Carl. RACH: C'mon up. MNCA: Behind my brother's back? [Rachel glares at her] ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.] JOEY: Seven hundred bucks! CHAN: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit? JOEY: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something. CHAN: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing? JOEY: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? [Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.] [Scene: The balcony of Monica's apartment. Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.] CARL: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna sh**t myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy! [Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross--a figment of Rachel's imagination-- shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.] ROSS: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me. RACH: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here. ROSS: Fine, just stop thinking about me. [She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.] ROSS: Can't do it, can you? RACH: So I'm thinking about you. So what? ROSS: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway? RACH: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy.... CARL: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car! ROSS: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance. RACH: Ross, it's too hard. ROSS: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade. RACH: Ross, you're like my best friend. ROSS: I know. RACH: If we broke up, and I lost you... ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up? RACH: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up? ROSS: [pause] No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me? RACH: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way before. ROSS: Well, start looking. [They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.] RACH: Wow. CARL: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic! RACH: Right! You're right! CARL: Heh... y'know? RACH: You know what? CARL: What? RACH: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... [gives him her drink] I mean--I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry. [Rachel leaves.] CARL: But... [Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background. Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.] RACH: [sifting through crowd] Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi. [Scene: Jetway. The old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.] MAN: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel! [A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.] ROSS: Oh, hey, hey, I got that. [Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman (JULIE) kiss.] JULIE: Oh, thanks, sweetie. ROSS: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends. JULIE: Really? ROSS: Yeah. JULIE: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me? ROSS: No, no, they will. I just... uh... ROSS/JULIE: Can't wait. ROSS: Come on, they're gonna love you. [Scene: Close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "01x24 - The One Where Rachel Finds Out"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Jeff Astroff and Mike Sikowitz . Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips. PHOEBE: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been? RACHEL: Oh my god. Oh my god. Excuse me. Emergency! Excuse me! ROSS: Rache! RACHEL: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? ROSS: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened? RACHEL: What? ROSS: You're bleeding. RACHEL: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. I wanna hear everything! ROSS: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel. RACHEL: These are, these aren't for you. These are for you. Welcome to our country. JULIE: Thank you. I'm from New York. RACHEL: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok. MONICA: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross. PHOEBE: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge? JOEY: Um, this? PHOEBE: Yes. MONICA: Guys, you got your hair cut. CHANDLER: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay. PHOEBE: 'Cause, you know, if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice. RACHEL: Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp. CHANDLER: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs. RACHEL: You, you, you said he liked me. You, you slowpokes! ROSS: That's all right, Rache, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica, Chandler, Joey. Everyone, this is Julie. JULIE: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me. ROSS: And bus. JULIE: Oh my god. ROSS: You gotta hear this story. JULIE: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old, and this guy-- RACHEL: And the chicken poops in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about. MONICA: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen? JULIE: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together. ROSS: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig. RACHEL: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? MONICA: It's just an expression. ROSS: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby. JULIE: And then we've gotta get some sleep. ROSS: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time. CHANDLER: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen, 'cause I like to be surprised. ROSS: Hey, Rache, can I get some coffee? RACHEL: Yeah, sure. ROSS: Thank you. CHANDLER: Hey, Rache, can I get-- RACHEL: Did you talk to him? CHANDLER: Not yet. RACHEL: Then, no. CHANDLER: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know. ROSS: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was? CHANDLER: God? ROSS: It was you, pal. CHANDLER: Well, maybe it was God, doing me. ROSS: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you. CHANDLER: Well, you owe me one, big guy. RACHEL: Here's your lemonade. ROSS: I didn't order lemonade. RACHEL: Oh. Well than, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that. ROSS: But-- RACHEL: Go go go go, come on! Well, what did you find out? CHANDLER: He said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself without any outside help whatsoever. ROSS: How is that the silver lining? CHANDLER: You have to really wanna see it. ROSS: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym. MONICA: Phoebes, you know what I'm thinking? PHOEBE: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it? MONICA: No, although now that's what I'm thinking. PHOEBE: All right, so what were you thinking? MONICA: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine? PHOEBE: Oh. No. MONICA: Why not? PHOEBE: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly a*l and an unbelievable control freak. MONICA: No you're not. PHOEBE: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings. phone rings JOEY: Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie. ROSS: Hello? Hi. CHANDLER: Hi. Anybody know a good tailor? JOEY: Needs some clothes altered? CHANDLER: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk. JOEY: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. All right, when was 1990? CHANDLER: You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance! ROSS: Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. Well you didn't hang up either. Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y-- RACHEL: Sorry, I thought you were talking to me. ROSS: Rachel! I'll just call her back. RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have. MONICA: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too. RACHEL: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. I gotta get out of here. CHANDLER: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her. JOEY: You know, I think I was sixteen. MONICA: Please, just a little bit off the back. PHOEBE: I'm still on "no". RACHEL: Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec? JOEY: No no no no no, I'm not fallin' for that again. PHOEBE: What's goin' on? RACHEL: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night. CHANDLER: What stupid thing did you do? PAOLO: Bon giorno tutti! PHOEBE: Ewww! RACHEL: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. MONICA: Rachel, how did this happen? RACHEL: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night. PHOEBE: Where? RACHEL: At his apartment. Is this juice? JOEY: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he ht on Phoebe? RACHEL: I know, I know I'm a pathetic loser. MONICA: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad. CHANDLER: People do stupid things when they're upset. MONICA: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't--but this is about your horrible mistake. ROSS: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were--well, there was touching. PHOEBE: Hey, hey Ross. ROSS: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here? PAOLO: I do Raquel. ROSS: So, uh, he's back. RACHEL: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem? ROSS: No, not a problem. RACHEL: I'm glad it's not a problem. PHOEBE: Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass. CHANDLER: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered. JOEY: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey says hello. He'll know what it means. CHANDLER: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code? MONICA: You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter. PHOEBE: All right. Ok, but, but you have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it. MONICA: I promise. PHOEBE: All right. Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing. PHOEBE: All right, that's it, I quit. MONICA: What? I didn't say anything. PHOEBE: Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person. MONICA: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed. PHOEBE: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it. MONICA: How who wears it? PHOEBE: Demi Moore. MONICA: Demi Moore is not a he. PHOEBE: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten. MONICA: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore. PHOEBE: Oh, oh, oh my god! MONICA: Oh my god! PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore? MONICA: She's the actress who was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost. PHOEBE: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair. MONICA: I KNOW! FRANKIE: How long do you want the cuffs? CHANDLER: At least as long as I have the pants. FRANKIE: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam. RACHEL: How is she? PHOEBE: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign. ROSS: How's the hair? PHOEBE: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling. JOEY: Can we see her? PHOEBE: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, you come on in. JOEY: How're you doing? RACHEL: I'm ok. JOEY: Ooh, that bad, huh? Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts. RACHEL: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I h*t rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me. JOEY: You gotta tell Ross how you feel. RACHEL: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie? JOEY: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years. RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know. JOEY: Look, Rache, Rache, I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you. CHANDLER: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man. JOEY: Frankie? What're you talking about? ROSS: Hey, what's goin' on? CHANDLER: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me. ROSS: What? JOEY: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years. CHANDLER: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite-- ROSS: what? CHANDLER: Cupping. JOEY: That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants? ROSS: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you? JOEY: What? That's not? Oh my god. MONICA: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better. ROSS: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten. MONICA: Thank you. My hair is very amused. CHANDLER: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true. PHOEBE: Thank you. ROSS: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rache. RACHEL: Wait, are you leaving? ROSS: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!" JOEY: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test... CHANDLER: That's ok. ROSS: What's goin' on? RACHEL: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all, what? ROSS: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot? RACHEL: No. ROSS: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. Was there a second of all? RACHEL: No, I think that was the whole all. JOEY: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants. JULIE: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andy McDowell's new haircut? PHOEBE: You wanna do it right now? JULIE: Great! PHOEBE: Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andy McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right? RACHEL: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andy McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes. PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you. RACHEL: You're welcome. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x01 - The One With Ross' New Girlfriend"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]]. MONICA: Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. PHOEBE: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. Oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him? CHANDLER: You know, it's...something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. JOEY: I gotta get one, too. ROSS: What are you guys doing? CHANDLER: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle? ROSS: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world. JOEY: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it. ROSS: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on. CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding? CAROL: Sure. JOEY: Uh, does it hurt? CAROL: It did at first, but not anymore. JOEY: Chandler? CHANDLER: So, uh, how often can you do it? CAROL: As much as he needs. JOEY: Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger? OPENING TITLES JULIE: Rachel, do you have any muffins left? RACHEL: Yeah, I forget which ones. JULIE: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one? Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go. RACHEL: Thank you. What a bitch. JULIE: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdales who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it? PHOEBE: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet. MONICA: Ok, um, I'll go with you. JULIE: Great. ROSS: Hi, honey. CHANDLER: Hey, sweetums. ROSS: Hello to the rest. JOEY: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel? MONICA: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it? CHANDLER: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship. MONICA: But I'm-- PHOEBE: Monica, she will kll you. She will kll you like a dog in the street. ROSS: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow? MONICA: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal. ROSS: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this. MONICA: You're welcome. PHOEBE: Woof, woof. JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey Annabelle. ANNABELLE: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy? JOEY: Who? ANNABELLE: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man. JOEY: What's he doin' in my section? ANNABELLE: I guess he doesn't know. JOEY: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? Hey, how ya doin'? TODD: Mornin'. JOEY: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory. TODD: Your territory, huh? JOEY: Yeah. Bijan for men? GUY: No thanks. TODD: Hombre? GUY: Yeah. All right. TODD: You were saying? MONICA: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day. PHOEBE: What? MONICA: We were shopping, and we had lunch. PHOEBE: Oh, all right. What did I have? MONICA: You had a salad. PHOEBE: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full. RACHEL: Hey, guys, what's up. PHOEBE: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad. RACHEL: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy? PHOEBE: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur. RACHEL: You went shopping for fur? PHOEBE: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs. RACHEL: You bought boobs? PHOEBE: Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras. JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work we could go maybe grab a cup of coffee. ANNABELLE: Oh, actually I sorta have plans. TODD: Ready, Annabelle? ANNABELLE: You bet. Maybe some other time? JOEY: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men? CAROL: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep. ROSS: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son. SUSAN: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person. RACHEL: Oh, this is so cute. SUSAN: Oh, I got that for him. ROSS: My mommies love me. That's clever. MONICA: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju-- Hi, Jew! Uh huh? Uh huh? Ok. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. RACHEL: Did you just say Hi, Jew? MONICA: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith. PHOEBE: Ben, dinner! ROSS: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that. PHOEBE: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. CHANDLER: What did you just do? PHOEBE: I licked my arm, what? ROSS: It's breast milk. PHOEBE: So? RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person. JOEY: What is the big deal? CHANDLER: What did you just do? ROSS: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk? PHOEBE: You won't even taste it? ROSS: No! PHOEBE: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk? ROSS: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it. MONICA: Hey, where is everybody? RACHEL: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been? MONICA: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket. RACHEL: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars? MONICA: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card. RACHEL: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket MONICA: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent. RACHEL: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with? MONICA: Judy. RACHEL: Who? MONICA: Julie. RACHEL: What? MONICA: Jody. RACHEL: You were with Julie? MONICA: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping. RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god. MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me. RACHEL: Yeah, right. MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out. RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. MONICA: That is not true! RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here? MONICA: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid? RACHEL: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. MONICA: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanna, it's not as simple as all that, ok? No, I don't care what Steve thinks. Hi, Steve. CAROL: How did we do? PHOEBE: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out. ROSS: I did not freak out. CAROL: Why'd you freak out? ROSS: Because it's breast milk. It's gross. CAROL: My breast milk is gross? SUSAN: This should be fun. ROSS: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't think breast milk is for adults. CHANDLER: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike. CAROL: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it. ROSS: That would be no. PHOEBE: Come on. It doesn't taste bad. JOEY: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh-- SUSAN: Cantaloupe juice. JOEY: Exactly. ROSS: You've tasted it? You've tasted it. SUSAN: Uh huh. ROSS: Oh, you've tasted it. SUSAN: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true. ROSS: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel. CHANDLER: Howdy. JOEY: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre. CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed. JOEY: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day. CHANDLER: What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you. JOEY: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese. CHANDLER: All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run? JOEY: Yeah I guess you're right. CHANDLER: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie. JOEY: I'm gonna do it. CHANDLER: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker. MONICA: I don't know what else to say. RACHEL: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening. MONICA: I feel terrible, I really do. RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your Knfe? MONICA: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible? RACHEL: Yes. MONICA: It's that terrible? RACHEL: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually, but now she's actually stealing you. MONICA: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you. RACHEL: I love you too. PHOEBE: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that. MONICA: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me? RACHEL: I'd do anything for you, you know that. MONICA: I'd do anything for you. PHOEBE: Wait, wait, wait, wait! JOEY: Mornin'. I said, mornin'. TODD: I heard ya. STORE GUY: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready? TODD: Ready. JOEY: Yeah, I'm ready. CUSTOMER: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing! STORE GUY: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do? TODD: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. ANNABELLE: My god, what happened? JOEY: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now? ANNABELLE: Sure. JULIE: So. RACHEL: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right? JULIE: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you. RACHEL: Really? Me? JULIE: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't. RACHEL: Well, you're not totally paranoid. JULIE: Oy. RACHEL: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right. JULIE: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something? RACHEL: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it. JULIE: I'd love it too. sh*t, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later. RACHEL: All right, Julie. What a manipulative bitch. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x02 - The One With the Breast Milk"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Michael Curtis and Greg Malins Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen CHANDLER: Hey. MONICA: So how was Joan? CHANDLER: I broke up with her. CHANDLER: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them. RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge. CHANDLER: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain. MONICA: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things? JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts. CHANDLER: You or me? ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples. JOEY: You guys are messin' with me, right? ALL: Yeah. JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa." PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason. CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla. ROSS: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason. (knock) MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles. MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again. MONICA: We're not doing anything. MR. HECKLES: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds. RACHEL: You don't have birds. MR. HECKLES: I could have birds. MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down. MR. HECKLES: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party. RACHEL: All right, bye-bye. CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky. ROSS: We'll give you Janice. PHOEBE: I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing." RACHEL: "Oh, my, god." JOEY: "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!" MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise. RACHEL: We won. We won! MONICA: Mr. Heckles. RACHEL: How did this happen? MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand. MONICA: That's terrible. MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.ROSS: Sure, sweepin'. You never know. MR. TREEGER: You never know. PHOEBE: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles! CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true. JOEY: Such as? PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution? ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution? PHOEBE: Nah. Not really. ROSS: You don't believe in evolution? PHOEBE: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy. ROSS: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy? PHOEBE: Yeah, I just don't buy it. ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity. PHOEBE: Ok, don't get me started on gravity. ROSS: You uh, you don't believe in gravity? PHOEBE: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed. (knock) CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you. MONICA: What can we do for you? MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine". MONICA: Well, what about his family? MR. BOYLE: He didn't have any. RACHEL: Ok, so let's talk money. MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two. MONICA: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge! RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap? CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this? ROSS: How can you not believe in evolution? PHOEBE: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt! ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time. PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it? ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over. PHOEBE: See, I didn't know that. ROSS: Well, there you go. PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why? CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances." JOEY: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too. CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent. RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this. MONICA: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps. RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool. MONICA: It doesn't go with any of my stuff. RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff? MONICA: You don't have any stuff. RACHEL: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you? MONICA: No. RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room. MONICA: Mmmmm. RACHEL: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp. ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs? PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts. ROSS: Please tell me you're joking. PHOEBE: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't. ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because-- PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope. ROSS: Is there blood coming out of my ears? JOEY: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook. CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal. PHOEBE: He's even kind of cute. JOEY: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school. CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles? JOEY: That's what it says. CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that? PHOEBE: I'd call that excessive. CHANDLER: Whoa! JOEY: What? CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool. JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal. CHANDLER: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off? JOEY: Have you been here all night? CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did. JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case. CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction. JOEY: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go. CHANDLER: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"? JOEY: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody. CHANDLER: How do you know that? How? JOEY: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out. CHANDLER: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays? JOEY: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place? CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand. JOEY: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right? CHANDLER: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man. JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably. CHANDLER: (on phone) Hi, it's me. JANICE: Oh, my, god. PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice? CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend? ROSS: You remember Janice, right? CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody. JANICE: Helloo!! CHANDLER: Oh, my, god! JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got. JANICE: Hey, it's everybody. CHANDLER: Janice, you're-- JANICE: Yes, I am. CHANDLER: Is it--? JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now. CHANDLER: Congratulations. JANICE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. CHANDLER: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone? JANICE: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun. MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while? RACHEL: What? MONICA: Hide the Lamp. RACHEL: Monica, let it go. MONICA: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish? RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps. PHOEBE: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man. ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old. PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities. ROSS: It's the only possibility, Phoebe. PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this? ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility. PHOEBE: I can't believe you caved. ROSS: What? PHOEBE: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry? RACHEL: I am. Let me just get my coat. MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke. RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken? MONICA: Phoebe, tell her! PHOEBE: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you. RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp. CHANDLER: Neat. I'm gonna die alone. RACHEL: Ok, you win. MONICA: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone. CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake. PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that? CHANDLER: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout! MONICA: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone. CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there. RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with. MONICA: You are not a freak. You're a guy. RACHEL: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them. MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different. CHANDLER: In a bad way? MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone. RACHEL: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone. PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone! MONICA: You made it! PHOEBE: You're there! RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment! CHANDLER: Whoa! Don't know about that. RACHEL: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break? MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment. RACHEL: Thank you. MONICA: That's fine. CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing. JOEY: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you? CHANDLER: I'll take that. JOEY: You want his yearbook? CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it. MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell. RACHEL: It's really not that big! CHANDLER: Takin' that with you, huh? JOEY: Oh, yeah. ROSS: You comin'? CHANDLER: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down. ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted"? CHANDLER: Sure. (My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!) END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x03 - The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Alexa Junge Transcribed by Josh Hodge. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is on the phone.] RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing [a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table] OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. [hangs up] OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. [grabs a pot and lid] OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. [puts pot over the pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the door] It's open you guys. [a stranger enters with flowers] STRANGER: Hi. RACHEL: Hi, hi can I help you? STRANGER: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here? RACHEL: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her. STRANGER: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. [leaves flowers on bar] RACHEL: What? [in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away] STRANGER: Hey, how, how did you do that? OPENING TITLES [Scene: Monica and Rachels apartment. The whole gng is there.] JOEY: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married? PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not married married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card. MONICA: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything. PHOEBE: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve. MONICA: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking? ROSS: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental. PHOEBE: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend. MONICA: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger. ALL: Huuh. MONICA: Well, didn't you? PHOEBE: I might have. MONICA: I can't believe you didn't tell me. PHOEBE: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything. MONICA: What have I not told you? PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace. RACHEL: What! MONICA: Wait a minute, who told you? [turns to Chandler who's looking sheepish] You are dad meat. CHANDLER: I didn't know it was a big secret. MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple. PHOEBE: You have a third nipple? CHANDLER: You bitch. ROSS: Whip it out, whip it out. CHANDLER: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless. RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples? JOEY: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin. ROSS: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was? JOEY: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again. ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin. CHANDLER: Joey was in a prn movie. ALL: Huuh. CHANDLER: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me. ROSS: You were in a prn? JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it. MONICA: That is wild. ROSS: [to Chandler] So what's it shaped like? PHOEBE: Yeah, is there a hair on it? JOEY: What happens if you flick it? [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch.] ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special? CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia. JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you. CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area? ROSS: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know? RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special. MONICA: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it. RACHEL: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it. [Phoebe enters all dressed up] ALL: Woah. JOEY: Foxy lady. JULIE: Where you goin'? PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades. JOEY: The Ice Capades? CHANDLER: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny. MONICA: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're setting yourself up all over again. PHOEBE: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband. ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. [holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest and flips the lid] Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here? CHANDLER: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . . [Scene: Central Perk close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables.] ROSS: OK sweetie, I'll see you later. JULIE: See you later Rach. RACHEL: Bye-bye Julie. [Julie leaves] [Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.] RACHEL: Hey. ROSS: Hey. [Ross kicks her again] RACHEL: Hey, c'mon, cut it out. ROSS: Hey? RACHEL: What? ROSS: Can I ask you somethin'? RACHEL: Sure. ROSS: Naa. RACHEL: What? C'mon, talk to me. ROSS: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex? RACHEL: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex? ROSS: Technically, huh, no. RACHEL: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school? ROSS: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . . RACHEL: No, no no no, don't need to know the details. ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird. RACHEL: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think? ROSS: What? RACHEL: I think it's sexy. ROSS: Sexy? RACHEL: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex. ROSS: No kidding? RACHEL: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do? ROSS: What? RACHEL: I'd wait. ROSS: You'd wait? RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I'd wait some more. ROSS: Really? RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working. ROSS: Women really want this? RACHEL: More than jewelry. [Rachel struts off, extremely pleased with herself] [Scene: Madison Square Garden. Duncan's dressing room.] PHOEBE: Hi. DUNCAN: Phoebe! PHOEBE: Ta-da. DUNCAN: Hey. PHOEBE: Hi. DUNCAN: Ahh, look at you, you look great. PHOEBE: Do I? Thank you, so do you. DUNCAN: Thanks. PHOEBE: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice. DUNCAN: You always said I'd make it. PHOEBE: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooo. DUNCAN: I missed you. [they hug] I'm gonna get changed. PHOEBE: OK. DUNCAN: Um, now. Phoebs. PHOEBE: Oh, right, OK. Ole. DUNCAN: What? PHOEBE: Um, the matador. [Duncan leaves] Ole, ha ha ha. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross and Julie are setting the table.] ROSS: Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks. [hands her a bowl and kisses her] [Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross and Julie don't notice.] CHANDLER: Uh, Julie. JULIE: Yeah? CHANDLER: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright. ROSS: Hi everyone. ALL: Hi. ROSS: [pulls Rachel aside] I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before. RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing? ROSS: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey. RACHEL: What did, what did he say? ROSS: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . . [Scene: Ross's apartment. After dinner. Chandler enters.] CHANDLER: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's prn movie. ROSS: Pop it in. JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. [Chandler puts the tape in] RACHEL: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see. ROSS: What's wrong with people having sex? RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here. MONICA: Hell, I wanna see Joey. [video starts with the cheesy prn disco music] JULIE: So is there like a story or do they just stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind. CHANDLER: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen. MONICA: All I say is, she better get the job. ROSS: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job. JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, [Joey from TV] you know that's bad fo r the paper tray. CHANDLER: Nice work my friend. JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . . [Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is fixing her hair and Duncan enters.] PHOEBE: So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday. DUNCAN: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce. PHOEBE: Ohh. . .K. How come? DUNCAN: Umm, actually, I'm getting married again. PHOEBE: What? DUNCAN: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight. PHOEBE: Huuh. DUNCAN: Yeah, I know, I. PHOEBE: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties. DUNCAN: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore. PHOEBE: So how long have you known? DUNCAN: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in. PHOEBE: And um, and there's actually a, a woman? DUNCAN: Her name's Debra. PHOEBE: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with? DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college. PHOEBE: Sure. DUNCAN: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way. PHOEBE: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.' DUNCAN: I'm, I'm still me. PHOEBE: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago? [Scene: Ross's apartment. Everyone is sitting around. Monica enters from bathroom.] MONICA: You know, it still smells like monkey in there. JULIE: That saves us a conversation. CHANDLER: Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped. JOEY: Me too, we should get goin'. RACHEL: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean, c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore. MONICA: Rachel, that's all we do. RACHEL: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie? JULIE: What about Julie? RACHEL: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything. JULIE: Well, that could take a while. RACHEL: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie? CHANDLER: I got the time to get to know Julie. JOEY: I got time. MONICA: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? [Rachel gives her a look from hell] That's fine. RACHEL: OK Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like? JULIE: Well, in a nutshell. . . RACHEL: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh. [Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is signing the divorce papers.] PHOEBE: So, um, have you told your parents? DUNCAN: No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my brother's straight so. . . PHOEBE: [handing him the papers] Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink either answer would make me feel better. DUNCAN: I love you Phoebe. [they hug and kiss] PHOEBE: So your brother's straigh huh? Seriously. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Julie is telling her live story.] JULIE: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb. RAHCEL: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb? JULIE: No Cobb, as in cobb salad. RACHEL: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad? CHANDLER: I'm goin' home. RACHEL: What? [Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit] JOEY: Boy that Julie's a talker, huh? ROSS: Goodnight. RACHEL: So, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not still planning on. . . ROSS: Oh, no no, I am. RACHEL: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous? ROSS: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before. RACHEL: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna pounce? ROSS: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see, see what happens. RAHCEL: OK, gook luck. ROSS: Wha, uhh, what? RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from. ROSS: OK, now I'm nervous. RACHEL: Maybe you should put it off. ROSS: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know. RACHEL: I know, yeah, sorry. ROSS: What, it's not your fault. RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that. ROSS: Really? RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen. ROSS: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh. RACHEL: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening. ROSS: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight. [goes back in apartment] RACHEL: Ohh, God. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: The next morning on the street. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.] ROSS: Good morning. OLD WOMAN: Well, somebody got some last night. ROSS: Twice. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x04 - The One With Phoebe's Husband"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Chris Brown Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]] Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: At Chandler and Joey's. Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.] ROSS: Man, I sure miss Julie. CHANDLER: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. (phone rings) ROSS: You ever figure out what that thing's for? CHANDLER: No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned. (MACHINE--JOEY'S VOICE): Here comes the beep, you know what to do. JADE: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did? CHANDLER: What? JADE: I got a little drunk...and naked. CHANDLER: Bob here. CHANDLER: (on phone) What've you been up to? JADE: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster. CHANDLER: Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. (to Ross) I love her. ROSS: I know. CHANDLER: I'm back. JADE: So, are we gonna get together or what? CHANDLER: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish? JADE: Great, I'll see you then. CHANDLER: Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off. ROSS: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "hey, you're not Bob." CHANDLER: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table. ROSS: Oh my god. You are pure evil. CHANDLER: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this. (At Monica and Rachel's) ROSS: (on phone) Yeah, yeah, everybody's here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico. ALL: Hi, Julie! RACHEL: (sarcastically) Hi, Julie. CHANDLER: Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday. PHOEBE: Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? You know, like from, like 20? CHANDLER: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake. JOEY: Do we need a cake? CHANDLER: Look guys, I know it's a little steep. RACHEL: Yeah, whoosh! CHANDLER: But it's Ross. PHOEBE: It's Ross. JOEY: All right. CHANDLER: I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing. ROSS: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you? CHANDLER: You know, I think I might just. RACHEL: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight? JOEY: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies. PHOEBE: Can you believe how much this is gonna cost? RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do? JOEY: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there. PHOEBE: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross. JOEY: For Ross. RACHEL: For Ross, Ross, Ross. MONICA: (enters) Oh my god. RACHEL: Hey. JOEY: Hi. RACHEL: What? MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job. JOEY: If it's not you, this is a horrible story. MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice. JOEY: Yeah, someplace nice. (to Phoebe and Rachel) How much do you think I can get for my kidney? (at Central Perk) ROSS: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this. CHANDLER: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods. ROSS: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness. CHANDLER: We don't know Bob, ok? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy. ROSS: Go over there and tell that woman the truth. CHANDLER: All right. ROSS: Go. CHANDLER: Hi. JADE: Hi. CHANDLER: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something. JADE: Yes? CHANDLER: Whoever stood you up is a jerk. JADE: How did you--? CHANDLER: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue? JADE: Thanks. CHANDLER: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today. (At Somplace Nice) ROSS: Ok, ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed head lunch chef-- MONICA: Who is also in charge of purchasing. ROSS: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing-- MONICA: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there. ROSS: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little sister-- MONICA: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper! JOEY: Cool. PHOEBE: Let's see! ROSS: That's fine, I'll just wait! MONICA: Oh, sorry. JOEY: Sorry, sorry. ROSS: Monica! (glasses clinking) WAITER: Are we ready to order? RACHEL: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet. WAITER: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat. PHOEBE: Wow, look at these prices. RACHEL: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching. JOEY: What are these, like famous chickens? CHANDLER: Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade? ROSS: Well, pretty incredible according to the message she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine? CHANDLER: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's number. ROSS: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls? WAITER: Do I dare ask? MONICA: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns. ROSS: That sounds great. Same for me. WAITER: And for the gentleman? JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper? WAITER: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss? RACHEL: Ok, I will have the uh, (whispers) side salad. WAITER: (whispers) And what will that be on the side of? RACHEL: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water? WAITER: And for you? PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care. CHANDLER: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish. WAITER: Anything else? CHANDLER: Yes, how 'bout a verse of k*lling Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you? ROSS: (using calculator) Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks. RACHEL: Um, everyone? ROSS: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry. JOEY: Thank you. ROSS: Monica's big night, she shouldn't pay. MONICA: Oh, thank you! ROSS: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece. PHOEBE: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen. CHANDLER: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just... ROSS: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each just pay for what we had. It's no big deal. PHOEBE: Not for you. MONICA: All right, what's goin' on? RACHEL: Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get into this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable. PHOEBE: Fine. All right, fine. JOEY: Yeah. CHANDLER: You can tell us. ROSS: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine. JOEY: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, sometimes you guys don't get that uh, we don't have as much money as you. MONICA: Ok. ROSS: I hear ya. CHANDLER: We can talk about that. PHOEBE: Well, then...Let's. ROSS: I, I just never think of money as an issue. RACHEL: That's 'cause you have it. ROSS: That's a good point. CHANDLER: So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before? JOEY: 'Cause it's always somethin', you know, like Monica's new job, or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla. ROSS: Wha--? Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative--there's gonna be a hoopla? RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing. MONICA: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift. ROSS: G-gift? The thing's not the gift? CHANDLER: No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish. ROSS: Hootie and the--oh my. I, I can catch them on the radio. PHOEBE: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert. ROSS: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be together. MONICA: All of us. CHANDLER: Together. ROSS: Not at the concert. RACHEL: Ok. JOEY: Yeah. RACHEL: Thank you. JOEY: Thanks. PHOEBE: Yeah. CHANDLER: So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh? (at Monica and Rachel's) CHANDLER: Gee, Monica, what's in the bag? MONICA: I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look. PHOEBE: Oh, it's like a skit. MONICA: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe. ROSS: Whoo! PHOEBE: Cool. MONICA: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank-you. ROSS: But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is in the envelope? CHANDLER: By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall. ROSS: Come on. CHANDLER: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! The Blowfish! MONICA: It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's our treat. PHOEBE: So...Thank you. ROSS: Could you be less enthused? JOEY: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like-- MONICA: Like? JOEY: Charity. MONICA: Charity? ROSS: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here. RACHEL: Ross, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this big. PHOEBE: Actually, it makes us feel that big. ROSS: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's like we can't win with you guys. CHANDLER: If you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel. JOEY: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel. RACHEL: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this. PHOEBE: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now. RACHEL: Me neither. JOEY: Me too. MONICA: Guys, we bought the tickets. PHOEBE: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff. CHANDLER: Why did you look at me when you said that? MONICA: Well, I guess now we can't go. RACHEL: What? Come on, you do what you want to do. Do we always have to do everything together? MONICA: You know what? You're right. PHOEBE: Fine. ROSS: Fine. JOEY: Fine. CHANDLER: Fine. RACHEL: Fine. MONICA: All right. We're gonna go. It's not for another six hours. We're gonna go then. ROSS: Chandler! CHANDLER: Yeah? ROSS: Geez! Are you ready? CHANDLER: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today. ROSS: Whoa! You had sex today? CHANDLER: Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming. ROSS: Wow. CHANDLER: Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign. (phone rings) ROSS: Still doing the screening thing? CHANDLER: I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again. MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what to do. JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy. CHANDLER: Bob here. JADE: Oh, hi. CHANDLER: So, uh, you met someone, huh? JADE: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago. CHANDLER: So, uh, how was he? JADE: Eh. CHANDLER: Eh? JADE: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name. CHANDLER: Well, that makes me feel so good. JADE: It was just so awkward and bumpy. ROSS: (silently mouthing) Bumpy? CHANDLER: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it. JADE: Well there really wasn't much time to get used to it, you know what I mean? (at the concert) MONICA: You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this. ROSS: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here. CHANDLER: So, let's go. ROSS: Well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song. CHANDLER: Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now. MONICA: You know, the guys are probably having a great time. (at Monica and Rachel's) JOEY: Come on you guys, one more time. PHOEBE: Ok. One. JOEY: Nooo. MONICA: That was amazing! ROSS: Excellent, that was excellent. CHANDLER: I can't believe the guys missed this. ROSS: What guys? Oh, yeah. STEVE: Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't you? MONICA: Do I know you? STEVE: You used to be my babysitter. MONICA: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? How've you been? STEVE: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now. MONICA: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight. STEVE: Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage. MONICA: Uh, wait, backstage? STEVE: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band. ROSS: Ross. CHANDLER: Chandler. STEVE: How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you one of the ones who fooled around with my dad? (at Central Perk) ROSS: Hey, you guys. RACHEL: Happy birthday. ROSS: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night? RACHEL: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours? MONICA: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him? RACHEL: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad? MONICA: Uh, good. ROSS: Uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust. CHANDLER: Yeah, we really missed you guys. JOEY: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is really stupid. PHOEBE: We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money get--is that a hickey? MONICA: No, I just, I fell down. RACHEL: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey? MONICA: You know, a party, or-- RACHEL: What party? ROSS: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band. JOEY: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish? CHANDLER: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this. RACHEL: Who gave you that hickey? MONICA: That would be the work of a Blowfish. RACHEL: Oh! PHOEBE: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck". ROSS: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, you know. RACHEL: What, as part of your poor friends outreach program? (Monica's pager goes off) MONICA: It's work. CHANDLER: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it. JOEY: And we don't work hard? MONICA: (on phone) Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I just got a page. CHANDLER: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more. JOEY: And you feel like we hold you back. CHANDLER: Yes. RACHEL: Oh! CHANDLER: No. MONICA: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. What corporate policy? No. Yeah. All right. I just got fired. PHOEBE: Oh. (Everyone goes over to comfort Monica) WAITRESS: Here's your check. That'll be $4.12. JOEY: Let me get that. (to Chandler) You got five bucks? MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what to do. JADE: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night... (Joey lunges for phone and misses.) END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x05 - The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Betsy Borns Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]] Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: At Monica and Rachel's.] MONICA: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don't cry. Don't cry. Why is he still crying? ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are. MONICA: Maye it's me. ROSS: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants. CHANDLER: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody. ROSS: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica) MONICA: There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again) CHANDLER: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying.) JOEY: Cool. MONICA: He hates me. My nephew hates me. ROSS: Come on, don't do this. MONICA: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then? CHANDLER: Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Joey, she does not look fat. (Chandler has a basketball which he is moving closer to, then away from, Monica) JOEY: Goo, goo, goo, waaah! MONICA: That is so funny. Let me see that. (throws the ball out the window) JOEY: Are you ok, Ross? ROSS: I don't know. What's in this pie? MONICA: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi-- ROSS: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie. MONICA: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special. ROSS: And that's what's gonna kll me. I'm allergic to kiwi. MONICA: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and--oh my god. ROSS: Ugh. MONICA: Oh my god. ROSS: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse. MONICA: Is your tongue swelling up? ROSS: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller. MONICA: All right, get your coat, we're going to the hospital. JOEY: Is he gonna be ok? MONICA: Yeah, he's just gotta get a sht. ROSS: You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble? MONICA: Jacket now. ROSS: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital. CHANDLER: We'll watch him. ROSS: I don't think tho. JOEY: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don't we? CHANDLER: I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window. ROSS: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there's extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag. JOEY: Hat, milk, got it. ROSS: ??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro--a thro thro! JOEY: Consider it done. CHANDLER: You understood that? JOEY: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue. CHANDLER: Is he the one with the beautiful wife? (Central Perk) PHOEBE: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower. RACHEL: Ok. PHOEBE: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget. TERRY: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute? RACHEL: What's up? TERRY: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good. RACHEL: But what about Phoebe? TERRY: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around. RACHEL: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her. TERRY: Uh-- RACHEL: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her? PHOEBE: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed. (Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben) CHANDLER: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil? JOEY: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all righ? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby. CHANDLER: No, I got him. JOEY: No, seriously. CHANDLER: Oh, seriously you want him? CAROLINE: Hello. BOYS: Hello. CAROLINE: And who is this little cutie pie? CHANDLER: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me? JOEY: You wanna smell him? CAROLINE: I assume we're talking about the baby now. JOEY: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head. CAROLINE: I think my uterus just skipped a bat. JOEY: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you? CAROLINE: I think it's great you guys are doing this. CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys. CAROLINE: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through? (Central Perk) PHOEBE: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk. RACHEL: Honey, I'm sorry. PHOEBE: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top. RACHEL: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from. PHOEBE: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could. RACHEL: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything.< br> TERRY: I, I don't know. RACHEL: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine. TERRY: You don't clean the cappuccino machine? RACHEL: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it. TERRY: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine. RACHEL: Done. PHOEBE: Really? RACHEL: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe? PHOEBE: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get? RACHEL: What? PHOEBE: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing. RACHEL: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional. PHOEBE: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid. RACHEL: Well, but Pheebs. PHOEBE: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play. (Out on the sidewalk, singing) When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la.... ROSS: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a sht. Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gn. DOCTOR: Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having an allergic reaction. MONICA: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles. ROSS: Did you tell him about my thquirt gn idea? MONICA: My brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally. DOCTOR: No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now. ROSS: Tho? (Monica shakes her head.) ROSS: Ohhh. MONICA: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me? ROSS: Ok. MONICA: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand! CHANDLER: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi! JOEY: Hey, hey, look at that talent. CHANDLER: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on. GIRL 1 ON BUS: Hey, you. He's just adorable. CHANDLER: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink. GIRL 2 ON BUS: So what are you guys out doing today? JOEY: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff. CHANDLER: You done? JOEY: Yeah. GIRL 1: Oh, there's our stop. JOEY: Get outta here. This is our stop too. GIRL 2: You guys live around here too? JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk. CHANDLER: You know it? JOEY: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink? GIRL 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's? CHANDLER: Oh, sure, they love us over there. GIRL 2: Where's your baby? CHANDLER AND JOEY: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben! CHANDLER: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord. BOTH: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait! MONICA: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts. DOCTOR: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here is the puncture wound from your ring. ROSS: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate. PHOEBE: (singing) ... with the double double double-jointed boy. Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player? STEPHANIE: Yeah. I'm Stephanie. PHOEBE: Right. My name was on there, but now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do you know? STEPHANIE: All of them. PHOEBE: Oh yeah, so you know D? STEPHANIE: Yeah. PHOEBE: Ok, do you know A minor? STEPHANIE: Yeah. PHOEBE: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor? STEPHANIE: Yeah. PHOEBE: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap? STEPHANIE: No. PHOEBE: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie knows all the chords. (makes a face) CHANDLER: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er. JOEY: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again. RACHEL: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to-- PHOEBE: (singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk! RACHEL: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer. STEPHANIE: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. (singing) Zachary. PHOEBE: (singing/screaming) You're all invited to bite me! CHANDLER AND JOEY: Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here? TRANSIT AUTHORITY GUY: He's here. (Chandler and Joey hug each other in relief) I'm assuming one of you is the father. CHANDLER: That's me. JOEY: I'm him. CHANDLER: Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey) BOTH (but to different babies): Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy! CHANDLER: Please tell me you know which one is our baby. JOEY: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks. CHANDLER: Ok. JOEY: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth. CHANDLER: Yeah? JOEY: Yeah. CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off. JOEY: Ahh! CHANDLER: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do? JOEY: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns. CHANDLER: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby? JOEY: You got a better idea? CHANDLER: All right, call it in the air. JOEY: Heads. CHANDLER: Heads it is. JOEY: Yes! Whew! CHANDLER: We have to assign heads to something. JOEY: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads. CHANDLER: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday? (on the sidewalk outside Central Perk) RACHEL: Hey. PHOEBE: Oh, hi. RACHEL: Here. I thought you might be cold. PHOEBE: Thank you. RACHEL: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well. PHOEBE: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better. RACHEL: Do you? PHOEBE: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-su1c1de", I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat", I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat. RACHEL: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh! PHOEBE: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all about the money. RACHEL: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat". PHOEBE: Really? From who? RACHEL: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite. KID: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency. PHOEBE: Yeah. Here you go. KID: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it! (chez Monica and Rachel) ROSS: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your hand. MONICA: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you. ROSS: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand? MONICA: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle? ROSS: Oh. MONICA: Wait, what about the time I ht you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin? ROSS: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and ht your head on the curb? MONICA: No. But I remember people telling me about it. ROSS: I hope Ben has a little sister. MONICA: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass. ROSS: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken? MONICA: That was you? ROSS: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it. MONICA: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he's not crying. CHANDLER: (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying. (Ben starts crying) JOEY: Yes! There's still pie. ROSS: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today? JOEY: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today. ROSS: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus--Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt? CHANDLER: You, you are gonna love this. ROSS: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. Come here. CHANDLER: Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run! STEPHANIE: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? PHOEBE: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, smel-ly cat". STEPHANIE: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat... PHOEBE: Better. Yeah. STEPHANIE: Yeah? PHOEBE: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song. STEPHANIE: Yeah. PHOEBE: You wanna try it again? STEPHANIE: Yeah. From the top? PHOEBE: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me? STEPHANIE: Ok. PHOEBE: Mmmm hmmm. TOGETHER: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault. PHOEBE: That's too much. Sorry. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x06 - The One With the Baby on the Bus"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Michael Borkow Transcribed by Josh Hodge Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler enters.] CHAN: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me? RACH: So, how was the party? CHAN: Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive? PHOE: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everyting. CHAN: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight? PHOE: No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation. MNCA: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you. CHAN: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time. MNCA: Please. ALL: C'mon. Let her. Yeah. CHAN: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home. PHOE: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back] Oh, can't make.... hands... meet.... OPENING TITLES [Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is there.] CHAN: OK, let's do it. [Monica looks at him funny] What? MNCA: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before. CHAN: And we're changing. [jogs back in his apartment] [Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind] [Scene: Back in Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is doing situps.] MNCA: C'mon give me five more. Five more. CHAN: [weakly] No. MNCA: Five more and I'll flash you. CHAN: One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one of them. [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.] CHAN: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore. [Phoebe enters.] RACH: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night? PHOE: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice. JOEY: The guy still won't put out, huh? PHOE: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh. ALL: Sorry Phoebs. PHOE: Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up? JOEY: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean. PHOE: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British. JOEY: Maybe he's. . . gay. PHOE: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something. RACH: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look? PHOE: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell. [Monica enters.] MNCA: [to Chandler] Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15 minutes. CHAN: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it. PHOE: [seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the window] Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look. RACH: What? [looks, feigns indifference] C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight. JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date? RACH: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up. JOEY: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .? RACH: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity. CHAN: So you really OK about all this? RACH: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing. [Ross and Julie enter.] ROSS: Hi guys. ALL: Hey. ROSS: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK? MNCA: Only if you say his full name. ROSS: [reluctantly] Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy. MNCA: Alright. JOEY: [to Ross] You're getting a cat? ROSS: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat. RACH: Together? ROSS: Uh huh. RACH: Both of you? ROSS: Yep. RACH: Together. JULIE: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time. RACH: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time. ROSS: Hopefully. RACH: Well. [looks at watch] Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK, we're not supposed to take these when we leave. [Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael (MICH).] MICH: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am. RACH: [distracted] How long do cats live? MICH: [confused] I'm sorry? RACH: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something? MICH: Um, maybe 15, 16 years. RACH: That's just great. [she picks up her champagne and starts drinking] MICH: Um, cheers. RACH: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass] MICH: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she? RACH: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend. MICH: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh. RACH: I mean he just started going out with her. MICH: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend? RACH: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you. MICH: Alright. RACH: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend? [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.] PHOE: So, I figured it out. JOEY: What? PHOE: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough. JOEY: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack." PHOE: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet. JOEY: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him. PHOE: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they hug] [Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.] [Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the champange bottle in her glass.] RACH: [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something? [belligerently] What're they called, what're they called, what're they called? MICH: Fruitflies? RACH: Yes! Thank you. [The waiter comes to the table.] WAITER: So, would you like any dessert? MICH: No! No dessert, just a check, please. RACH: Oh, you're not having fun, are you? MICH: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head. RACH: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that? MICH: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure. RACH: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that? MICH: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you." RACH: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone] Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her chair] GUY: Hang on. RACH: Hello, excuse me. GUY: What. RACH: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute. GUY: I'm talkin'! RACH: I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone. GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone] I'll call you back. [hands the phone to her] RACH: Thank you. OK. [dials] [to Michael] Machine. Just waiting for the beep. MICH: Good. RACHEL: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket] COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is answering the door in his robe.] CHAN: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday. MNCA: Why not? CHAN: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day. MNCA: OK, if you say stop, then we stop. CHAN: OK, stop. MNCA: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving Monica] Woo. [Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel is taking asprin. Ross enters.] ROSS: Hey Rach. RACH: Ahhhh. ROSS: Oh. And how was the date? RACH: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine. . . [Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but can't place what it is.] ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that? RACH: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember. ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy] RACH: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me? ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie's last night. RACH: Huh. ROSS: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages? RACH: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.] ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. [pauses] Who's Michael? [Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.] RACH: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.] ROSS: You're over me? RACH: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back] ROSS: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me? RACH: Ohh, ohh. ROSS: When, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What? RACH: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you. ROSS: You've had feelings for me? RACH: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first. ROSS: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know? RACH: Chandler told me. ROSS: Chandler. When did he... when did he... when did he? RACH: When you were in China. ROSS: China. RACH: Meeting Julie. ROSS: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha... and now, now, now you're over me? RACH: Are you over me? [A moment of silence.] ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. [talks on intercom] Hi Julie. JULIE: [over intercom] Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting. ROSS: [perky] I'll be right down. RACH: Wait, so, you're going? ROSS: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat. RACH: OK, OK. ROSS: Cat. [leaves] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.] PHOE: Hey Joey. JOEY: Hey Phoebs. PHOE: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar? JOEY: I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank you. PHOE: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did. JOEY: And? PHOE: And we did. JOEY: All right Phoebs, way to go. PHOE: Yay me. JOEY: So, so how did it happen? PHOE: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on. JOEY: And what did he say? PHOE: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious. JOEY: Wow. PHOE: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him. JOEY: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea. PHOE: Um-hum. JOEY: This man is my God. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and Ross comes in. Get your Kleenex.] RACH: Hi. ROSS: I didn't get a cat. RACH: Oh, that's um, interesting. ROSS: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting. RACH: Alright, I got it Ross. ROSS: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me. RACH: [hurt] What? ROSS: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you. RACH: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie? ROSS: Then you should have said something before I met her. RACH: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me. ROSS: There was never a good time. RACH: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night. ROSS: Not, not, not every night. You know, and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y'know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys. RACH: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point? ROSS: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed. RACH: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me? ROSS: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it. RACH: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross. ROSS: Fine. RACH: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship. ROSS: Good. RACH: Good. [Ross leaves] [Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after him.] RACH: And ya know what, now I've got closure. [Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.] ROSS: Try the bottom one. [She opens the door and they kiss.] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler answers the door to find Monica.] CLOSING CREDITS CHAN: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out, it's over. MNCA: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'. CHAN: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret. MNCA: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What? CHAN: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have. MNCA: Well, thanks. CHAN: I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work. MNCA: Well, you know. CHAN: You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed. MNCA: [sad] Uh-huh. CHAN: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on. MNCA: Well no, but um. CHAN: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all. MNCA: Y'know, I try to stay positive. . . CHAN: So, you feel like goin' for a run? MNCA: Alright. CHAN: Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here. MNCA: OK. Just for a little while. CHAN: OK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances into his room] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x07 - The One Where Ross Finds Out"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]] Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there, discussing the night before.] RACH: Ross kissed me. MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! RACH: It was unbelievable! MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues? RACH: Oh, it ended very well. PHOE: Oh. MNCA: [getting the wine] Do not start without me. Do not start without me. PHOE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing? RACH: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it. PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back? RACH: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair. PHOE/MNCA: Ohhhh. [Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are there eating pizza.] ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her. JOEY: Tongue? ROSS: Yeah. JOEY: Cool. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there; Chandler is showing everyone his new computer.] CHAN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s. PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for? CHAN: [doggedly] Games and stuff. MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me. JOEY: [reading over her shoulder] Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked? MNCA: There's an ad for a naked chef? JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... [rubs his fingers together] [Ross enters, distraught.] ROSS: Hi. PHOE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night? ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful MNCA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great. ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away? JOEY: You got all that from saline solution? MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel. ROSS: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for ten years now. But now, I'm with Julie, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... [Rachel enters, carrying a tray]... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel. RACH: [to Ross] Hey, you. ROSS: How are you? RACH: Good. How are you? ROSS: Good. [Julie enters.] JULIE: Hi, honey. ROSS: Hi, Julie. [nervous] Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you? JULIE: Good. ROSS: [uncomfortable] Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play something, Phoebe? PHOE: Oh, well, actually. ROSS: [impatient] Play it. PHOE: Ok, all right. JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses. JULIE: What? ROSS: [to Joey] Ssshh. PHOE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night". [Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at Phoebe, realizing the song is about their situation.] PHOE: [singing] There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide! [Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's (RTST) office. Monica is there about a job.] RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. Muy impressivo. MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear. RTST: Mockolate. MNCA: I'm sorry? RTST: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute. MNCA: Ohh. [He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.] RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate. MNCA: All right. Mmm-mmm. [She tastes it, and obviously hates it.] RTST: Yeah? MNCA: [disgusted, trying not to show it] I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that. RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you. MNCA: [still chewing] Mmm-mmm. RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday. MNCA: Wow. RTST: Aren't you going to swallow that? MNCA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling. RTST: Yeah, isn't that great? MNCA: [with false enthusiasm] Mmm. RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested? MNCA: Abso...[swallows hard]...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate. RTST: Really? MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are there. Monica is suggesting Mockolate recipes to Phoebe.] MNCA: How about Mockolate mousse? PHOE: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y. MNCA: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse? PHOE: What makes it pilgrim? MNCA: We'll put buckles on it. [Rachel enters.] RACH: Hey. PHOE: Hey. MNCA: Hey. RACH: Did uh, Ross call? MNCA: No, I'm sorry. RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together." PHOE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.] ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare. CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight. JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. [reaches for the computer] CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer. JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome. [Ross gives him an insulted look.] CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column. ROSS: Can't we just use a pen? CHAN: No, Amish boy. JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first. ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes. JOEY: You could say that. ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress. CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else? ROSS: I don't know. JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby. CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her? ROSS: [long pause] She's not Rachel. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica has made food for Phoebe and Rachel to taste.] MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served. [Rachel takes a bite.] RACH: Oh my god. MNCA: Oh my god good? RACH: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth. [Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.] PHOE: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is on the phone with a computer hotline.] CHAN: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek? [Ross enters with a melancholy look.] JOEY: [to Ross] Hey, so how'd it go with Julie? Did you, did you break her heart? ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they ht me. Anyway, I did the right thing. CHAN: [in phone] So, Spock actually hugs his father? [Rachel enters.] RACH: Hey, do you guys have...[sees Ross, pauses]...hi. ROSS: Hi. RACH: [sees his coat on] Where you goin'? ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's. RACH: [dejected] Oh. ROSS: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing. RACH: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think? [Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing his head towards Ross.] ROSS: Well, uh. JOEY: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes. RACH: Really? ROSS: Really. It's always been you, Rach. [Ross and Rachel hug.] RACH: Oh, god. JOEY/CHAN: Ohhh. RACH: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good. ROSS: I know, I know, it's, it's almost...[turns around, sees Chandler and Joey] What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them? RACH: Let me get my coat. ROSS: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat. [Ross leaves.] RACH: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. [notices Chandler's computer screen] What's that? CHAN: [nervous] What? Nothing. [Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.] RACH: What's that? What? I saw my name. What is it? CHAN: No, no, see? See? [the printer starts to run] Hey, it's printing. [to Joey, rattled] Hey, it's printing! [Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.] RACH: Well what is it? Let me see. [Ross walks back in, Rachel's coat in hand.] ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat? RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see. ROSS: He won't? [remembers what it is] He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short story you were writing? CHAN: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing. RACH: And I'm in it? Then let me read it. CHAN, JOEY, ROSS: No! RACH: Come on. JOEY: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her? [Ross and Chandler stare angrily at Joey, who thinks he has come up with a good idea.] CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears his throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end." ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world. RACH: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it. ROSS: No, you don't. RACH: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. [Rachel grabs the paper and runs across the room, reading it to herself.] RACH: What is this? Ross, what is this? CHAN: Good luck. [Chandler and Joey leave quickly.] ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok? RACH: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled? ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot. RACH: Just a waitress? ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach? RACH: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles! [Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.] ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column. RACH: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress. [She goes into her apartment and slams the door.] ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She's not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra--Rachel? [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are there.] CHAN: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary. MNCA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency. PHOE: I... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus. JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea. PHOE: What? MNCA: What? CHAN: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up. MNCA: This was your idea? PHOE: What were you thinking? CHAN: [squirming] All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason. MNCA: Yeah. You! CHAN: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you? PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It is raining out. Ross climbs up the fre escape and is knocking on the window.] ROSS: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please! RACH: [coldly] When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fre escape. ROSS: I just wanna read something. It's your pro list. RACH: Not interested. [Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.] ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben. [Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.] ROSS: Number six: the way you smell. JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are you doin'? ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window? JOEY: Oh, yeah, I do. [He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.] CHAN: What are you doing out there? ROSS: I am, uh, I am... MNCA: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate? [Ross runs to Rachel's bedroom, knocking on the door.] ROSS: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another chance. [Rachel opens the door.] RACH: No. ROSS: No? RACH: That's what I said. CHAN: Look, maybe we should go? RACH: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking. ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel. RACH: [near tears] No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you. ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things. RACH: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. [to the others] I said don't go! ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you. RACH: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list. [She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenly back to the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.] JOEY: [quietly] I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, you know? [Ross stares blankly at him] Maybe a little longer. [Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.] MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate. RTST: Doesn't matter. MNCA: What? RTST: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats. MNCA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. [hands it to her] Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you? MNCA: Well, uh, I ate some. RTST: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are there.] (phone rings) MNCA: Hello? [Ross is at his apartment.] ROSS: Hi. RACH: [to Monica] Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down. MNCA: [to Ross] Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time. ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me? MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs up the phone] [to Rachel] Music? [Monica turns on the radio.] RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without You plays) [Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment, then picks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to Ross at his apartment.] RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she ht you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out. [Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.] RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again. MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash. RTST: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you? MNCA: Cat hair. RTST: Oh, sorry. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x08 - The One With the List"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Jeffrey Astroff and Mike Sikowitz Transcribed by Josh Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan SIlverstein. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.] PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls. [Chandler and Joey enter.] JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: Hey. RACHEL: Hey. JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year? CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad. MONICA: Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies. CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is. JOEY: You gave him cookies? MONICA: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. . . Alright, we're broke, but cookies do say that. PHOEBE: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick. CHANDLER: Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies? PHOEBE: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them. ROSS: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies? RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super. [There's a bang at the door.] MONICA: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy. [Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants of the newspaper. JOEY: Oh my God. RACHEL: What? JOEY: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this. [Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.] RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section. MONICA: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle. ROSS: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is working behind the counter.] JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'. CHANDLER: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year. [Ross enters with several bags from shopping.] ROSS: Hey guys. CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey. [Ross approaches Rachel at counter.] ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. [Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. . . RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me? ROSS: How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel walks off] Hey gn, you got stairs in your place? gn: Yeah. ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and goes and sits with others at the couches] ROSS: Hey guys. CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: What's in the bag? ROSS: Um, just some presents. JOEY: C'mon show us what you bought. . . You know you want to. ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh. MONICA: Cute. ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom. [Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.] MONICA: Ross, that is gorgeous! ROSS: Yeah? MONICA: Look at these authentic fake medals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the make-believe military academy. [Phoebe enters.] PHOEBE: Hey. gng: Hey. Hi Phoebe. PHOEBE: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees Ross's picture frame] Oh my God, where did you get this? ROSS: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings. PHOEBE: This is my father, this is a picture of my dad. CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame. PHOEBE: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you. RACHEL: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison. PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born. RACHEL: How have you never been on Oprah? PHOEBE: [showing her pictures] OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy. MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie. PHOEBE: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to my grandmother. [turns to leave] MONICA: Oh, wait a minute honey. gng: Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves] MONICA: Wow. JOEY: So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . . gng: Joey! JOEY: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears! [Scene: Phoebe's grandmother's place. Phoebe's grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the obituaries, and crossing out names in the phonebook.] GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston. [scratches out name] Gone. [Phoebe enters.] GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe. PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'? GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook. PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again? GRANDMOTHER: [nervously] Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come? PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see... um. GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the pictures] This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation. PHOEBE: OK, is this really my father? GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa--I can't... well of course it is. PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fre. GRANDMOTHER: Look, I. . . PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me. GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame. PHOEBE: Oh God. GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder. PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones? GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate. PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist? GRANDMOTHER: Honey. PHOEBE: [realizes] Oh. GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a picture out] This is the real him. PHOEBE: Oh. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey are decorating the Christmas tree.] CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up. RACHEL: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas. CHANDLER: Who said anything about Christmas? [Monica and Ross enter.] MONICA: Hi. ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet? RACHEL: No, nothin'. MONICA: I hope she's OK. JOEY: Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through. MONICA: How do you know exactly what she's going through? JOEY: She told us. CHANDLER: So whaddya got there Monica? MONICA: Just some stuff for the party. ROSS: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping? MONICA: You guys haven't gotten your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're ya gonna do? CHANDLER: Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that? RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent. [hands her a smashed box] MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough. JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you. [Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone else.] ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me. RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . . ROSS: C'mon Rachel. RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair. ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said. RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair] [Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone] PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information. [hangs up] [Phoebe's grandmother enters] GRANDMOTHER: Hey. PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name. GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going? PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math. GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin. PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know. GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived. PHOEBE: Whattaya mean? GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you h*t the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab. PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you. GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab. PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein] Commercial [Scene: Chandler is standing on a street corner waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey walks up.] JOEY: Phoebe here with the cab yet? CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in. JOEY: Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7. CHANDLER: Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time. [Phoebe drives up in the cab] JOEY: Hey, here she comes. Chandler: Hey. JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back seat, Chandler in the front] PHOEBE: Hey. JOEY: Hey. PHOEBE: Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk. CHANDLER: Eeeshk. JOEY: Yeah, big stuff. PHOEBE: OK, let's go. CHANDLER: OK. PHOEBE: Alright, here, you have to hold this. [hands Chandler a piece of paper] CHANDLER: OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas right? PHOEBE: Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet. CHANDLER: [grabs for seat belt] Where's my seat belt? PHOEBE: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it. [Chandler jumps out of the car] CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the back seat] Hey! JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and Chandler are thrown back in the seat] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.] ROSS: C'mon, just tell me, please, please. MONICA: For the sixteenth time, no... I do not think you're obsessive. [Rachel enters from her room] RACHEL: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here. MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could you turn the heat down please? ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . . MONICA: Ross, the heat! ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off. RACHEL: Did you just break the radiator? ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is. MONICA: Well put it back. ROSS: It uhh, it won't go back. RACHEL: I'll call the super. MONICA: Here, let me try. ROSS: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal. MONICA: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny. RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight. ROSS: OK, tip the man. MONICA: No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll call it a theme party. ROSS: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon. [Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. The cab pulls up.] PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass wall in the cab] CHANDLER: Oh, so that's what this is for. PHOEBE: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh. CHANDLER: Yeah. JOEY: Sure is. PHOEBE: OK, here I go. I'm goin' in. CHANDLER: Alright. JOEY: Good luck Phoebs. PHOEBE: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm goin'. [she just sits in the cab] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are having their party. All the guests are stripped down because of the heat.] RACHEL: [answers door] Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom. ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much? MONICA: [carrying an ice cube tray] Ice, ice, ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. Alright. ROSS: Monica, Monica, your guest are turning into jerky, OK. MONICA: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. [one of the guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans into it] RACHEL: [answering the door] Mr. Treeger. MR. TREEGER: Uhh, you said there was a party. RACHEL: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our sauna. MR. TREEGER: Ahh, is it hot? My body always stays cool, probably 'cause I have so much skin. Hey, cheese! [Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about tipping the super.] ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything. MONICA: No, I will not cave. RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon. ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas. [Gives him the cash.] MR. TREEGER: Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's five back. ROSS: No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that radiator now? MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday. MONICA: Ross. ROSS: Yeah. MONICA: [to Ross] Looks like he's playin' baseball. ROSS: You mean hardball? MONICA: Whatever. RACHEL: What'cha gonna' do? ROSS: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting? MR. TREEGER: No, the place is not open 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right. MONICA: So, wait, you really did like my cookies? MR. TREEGER: Oh, yeah, they were so personal, really showed you cared. RACHEL: Nice seizing. . . gel boy. MR. TREEGER: [to Rachel who is standing under mistletoe] So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe? RACHEL: Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh, that, that is basil. MR. TREEGER: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya. RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil. [Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is running back to the cab.] PHOEBE: OK. JOEY: How far'd ya get? PHOEBE: Mailbox. CHANDLER: Alright, we're gettin' closer. PHOEBE: Uh-huh. JOEY: Phoebs, what's goin' on? PHOEBE: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . . JOEY: Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this really cool pharmacist guy. PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter. CHANDLER: Well, so why not go knock? PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one. JOEY: Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big step today. PHOEBE: Yeah? CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges. JOEY: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you. PHOEBE: You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping. CHANDLER: Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out. JOEY: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not goin' in there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in and used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after the party. Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.] CHANDLER: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here! JOEY: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down? MONICA: Hey, we could have used that kind of thinkin' earlier. ROSS: Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go. PHOEBE: Oh, I couldn't go in. MONICA: Honey, I'm sorry. ROSS: Are you OK? PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I mean, I know he's there, so, that's enough for now. CHANDLER: Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachel hug, Chandler is left standing] JOEY: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright. CLOSING TITLES [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.] JOEY: Rach, these are for you. RACHEL: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car. JOEY: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do. CHANDLER: OK, Phoebs, your turn. PHOEBE: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas? JOEY: Uh-huh. PHOEBE: You guuuyys. JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth. ROSS: You got me a cola drink? CHANDLER: And, a lemon lime. ROSS: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater. CHANDLER: And last but not least. [Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.] JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure. [Ross and Monica trade their gifts.] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x09 - The One With Phoebe's Dad"}	foreverdreaming
Written by Ira Ungerlieder. Transcribed by Josh Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [The gng is walking to a newsstand late at night. Joey is anxiously in the lead.] RACH: Joey, would you slow down? They're not gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning. JOEY: I'm excited! I've never gotten reviewed before. MNCA: You were so amazing as the king. I was really impressed, I was. PHOE: Although, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your throne you could kind of see your... royal subject. JOEY: Here it is, here it is. [reading from newspaper] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king. CHAN: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. Phoebs, read yours. PHOE: OK. [reading] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction... CHAN: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours. ROSS: I don't want to. RACH: Joey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about. ROSS: Yeah. JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason. ROSS: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just, uhhh... paying your dues. JOEY: No, no, no, it.. it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit. MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from paper] In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliant new levels of... continued on page 153...[turns it] sucking. Credits [Scene: Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica comforting Joey at Monica and Rachel's apartment.] JOEY: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff. [Ross enters, depressed.] ROSS: [sullenly] Hiiiiii. PHOE: Are... are you OK? ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he? MNCA: Maybe. ROSS: Don't toy with me. [Fun Bobby (FBOB) enters from Monica's bedroom.] FBOB: Geller! ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby! FBOB: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've been working out, huh? ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister! MNCA: You and me both. FBOB: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss, c'mon? PHOE: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better. FBOB: Hey, do you need me to pick you up? JOEY: No, I'm alright man. Really. FBOB: No, I'm picking you up. JOEY: Hey no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me... [Fun Bobby picks Joey up off the ground, bounces him. Joey laughs.] Alright! It still works. FBOB: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up? [everyone raises their hands] I'm still gonna go. MNCA: OK, I'll see you later babe. FBOB: Uh, public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes. [kisses Monica] [Chandler and Joey are watching, Rachel turns their heads away from Monica.] FBOB: See ya. [exits] ALL: Bye! See you later! PHOE: Fun Bobby is so great. MNCA: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full. PHOE: Half full of looooovvvvve. MNCA: And for our two-week anniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend. PHOE: Cabin of loooooovvvvve. RACH: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. [walks over to table, holding five empty wine bottles] MNCA: Really? I only had two glasses. JOEY: I just had a glass. PHOE: Two. RACH: I had one glass. CHAN: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug. RACH: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five? [All look towards door Fun Bobby left through.] ROSS: Oooooh. JOEY: [realizing what everyone else did a minute ago] Ooooooh. MNCA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight. ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in his hand. PHOE: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bmb,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.' JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking? MNCA: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo. [Scene: Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central Perk Rachel is serving them. She brings a mug to Monica.] MNCA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk? RACH: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, why don't you taste it. MNCA: [takes a sip] Mmmm, no. RACH: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had some. FBOB: [pulls out a flask] Whattaya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish? [Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable.] PHOE: Um, cake. RACH: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get some cake. [Phoebe and Rachel go to counter.] MNCA: You know what? It seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately. FBOB: Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask. MNCA: Bobby. FBOB: Yeah, OK. MNCA: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you. FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.' MNCA: So, what are you saying now? FBOB: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that you worry about me. [they hug] PHOE: [comes back to couch, with cake] Sooo, what's goin' on, huh? FBOB: I am gonna try and quit drinking. PHOE: [sad] Ooohh, why? [Chandler and Joey enter.] CHAN: Hey. JOEY: Hey. MNCA: Hey. PHOE: Hey. CHAN: Guess who's back in show business. PHOE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green? CHAN: No, no, Phoebs. You know why? Cause he's dad. PHOE: Oh, no. CHAN: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but... Joey, that's who. JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives! PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme. CHAN: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia. PHOE: Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight. RACH: Ummmm.... well, actually I'm already done, but I...I kinda got plans. MNCA: [gasps] You have other friends? RACH: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date. MNCA: What? JOEY: With a man? RACH: What? What is so strange about me having a date? JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you? RACH: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really anything at him anymore. MNCA: What are you talking about? RACH: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not. PHOE: But you guys came so close. RACH: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross. [Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross, except for his chin and hair (it is David Schwimmer in a dual role).] RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ. RUSS: [sounding like Ross] Hhhhiiiii. [Everyone looks at each other in amazement.] [Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Estelle (ESTL) is speaking on the phone.] ESTL: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented. It's just with the bird dad and all, there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? [a knock on the door] Oooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later. [Joey enters.] ESTL: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition? JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday. ESTL: Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic? JOEY: No. ESTL: Well, here it is. [She almost smiles.] JOEY: OK, uh.... listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady... ESTL: Oh, isn't Lori a doll? JOEY: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great, but... I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would've... you know... if I would have sent the Little General in. ESTL: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. [picks up the phone] Yeah, hi, Lori please. [pause] Hi darling. So how 'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terrific? [pause] Uh-huuuuh. [pause] Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. [hangs up] [to Joey] Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her. [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the couch.] RACH: What's the matter? MNCA: It's Fun Bobby. RACH: What, isn't he sober? MNCA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason. RACH: Ohhh, OK. [Monica returns to couch next to Fun Bobby.] MNCA: Alright, here you go, sweetie. [hands Fun Bobby his coffee] FBOB: Thanks. You wanna hear something funny? MNCA: Oh God, yes! FBOB: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village. PHOE: That is funny. FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village. MNCA: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you have to be at your interview now? FBOB: Oh yeah. See you guys. [leaves] CHAN: Bye..... ridiculously dull Bobby. MNCA: Oh.... my... God. PHOE: It's not that bad. MNCA: Not that bad? Did you hear the hammer story? PHOE: OK, OK, don't get all squinky. RACH: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there. MNCA: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me. PHOE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free. [Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.] RUSS: Hi. CHAN: [turning around] Hey Ross.... bahhhh! RACH: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK? RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh.... friend-type....people. [Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.] PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi. RACH: Hi. PHOE: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right? RACH: Uhh.... waitressing? PHOE: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone? RACH: [looks at him] Huh, Bob Saget? PHOE: [looks at Russ] Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh. [Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone. Ross enters.] PHOE: Oh, my, oh! ROSS: What? What's wrong? PHOE: I, OK.... MNCA: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning. ROSS: Alright. CHAN: [to Phoebe] Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna be OK. [introducing Russ and Ross] Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross. RUSS: Hi. ROSS: Hi. RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's? ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's? RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's. ROSS: A date. RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date. ROSS: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the date. CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare. RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist. ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a.... RUSS: Periodontist. MNCA: See? They're as different as night and... later that night. ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you. RUSS: Ditto. [ROss approaches Rachel at counter.] ROSS: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ. RACH: Oh. ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people. RACH: Well, we're not seeing each other, so.... ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal... RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal. ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening. RACH: Um, Russ, you ready? RUSS: Yeah. RACH: Bye. MNCA: Bye. PHOE: Bye. [Russ and Rachel leave together.] ROSS: [upset] She's dating. She's dating. CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating? ROSS: What do you mean? MNCA: Do you not see it? ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence. CHAN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it? ROSS: ....................Yeah. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container in sight. Chandler enters.] CHAN: Hey. JOEY: Hey. CHAN: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry. JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I want it. CHAN: Oh my God! JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady. CHAN: [not knowing how to react] Oh my... God? JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television. CHAN: So, what're you gonna do? JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that? CHAN: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know. JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part. CHAN: Well is she... [reaches into the cookie jar for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with pasta sauce] JOEY: Sorry. CHAN: It's alright. Is she good-looking? JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. [pause] You know, after having slept with her. CHAN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas. JOEY: I just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General. CHAN: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major? JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it. [Scene: A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.] WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar? MNCA: Yes, I would like something. [looks at Fun Bobby, changes her mind] No, no thank you. FBOB: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me, I've got to get used to it. MNCA: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about it. [to waiter] Just some water. FBOB: So the light went out in my refrigerator... MNCA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist. [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.] CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium. RUSS: Dysprosium. ROSS: [condescendingly] Dysprosium? Try mendelevium. CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues. [Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.] PHOE: You don't see it? You actually don't see it? RACH: What? PHOE: OK honey, you're dating Ross. RACH: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ. PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross! RACH: Steve... sleeve! PHOE: OK, noone is named Sleeve. RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing. [They look over at Russ and Ross.] ROSS: [to Russ] For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark. RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful. CHAN: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins. RUSS: I know what your problem is. ROSS: Oh you do, do you? RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous. ROSS: Of... of what? RUSS: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor. ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma. RUSS: Hey, you listen. ROSS: No, no, let me finish. RUSS: No, let me finish. ROSS: No, you let me fini... [Rachel walks up behind them.] ROSS: Hi. RUSS: Hi. RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! [turns away] [Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at Monica and Rachel's apartment.] RACH: Did Joey say what he was gonna go when he left? CHAN: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job? RACH: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with? CHAN: Me. RACH: Why would I have to sleep with you? CHAN: It's my game. You want the job or not? [Monica enters from her bedroom.] CHAN: Hey. MNCA: Morning. ROSS: Where ya goin'? MNCA: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember? ROSS: Ooooohhhh. [Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.] PHOE: What's with all the bottles of liquor? ROSS: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking again? MNCA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing. [Three slow knocks on the door.] RACH: Oh God, even his knock is boring. [Monica answers the door. Its Fun Bobby.] MNCA: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second. FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute? MNCA: Sure. [They both step out into the hall.] FBOB: This is really hard for me to say. MNCA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon. FBOB: Oh, no, no, it's about you. MNCA: What about me? FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem. MNCA: What these? [holding up liquor bottles] Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes. FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK? MNCA: Oh... sh*t. FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends. MNCA: OK. [They hug and kiss.] MNCA: Take care. FBOB: You too. [Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.] RACH: What happened? MNCA: Well we... we kinda broke up. gng: Awwwwwwww. [Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel all exchange money.] MNCA: [holding bottles] Does anybody want these? CHAN: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant. [Joey enters.] JOEY: Hey. gng: Hey! ROSS: How'd the callback go? JOEY: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me. CHAN: So what'd you do? JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way. ROSS: Good for you. JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part. PHOE: So... and? JOEY: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes! gng: Allright! JOEY: Alright... I've got to go shower. [leaves] [Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler exchange money again.] Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.] RUSS: Hi. CHAN: Oh, hey. PHOE: Hi. RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me. CHAN: Yeah, I'm sorry man. RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about? [Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.] PHOE: Oh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates him. RUSS: Oh. [Julie... Ross's ex-girlfriend... enters.] JULIE: Hey. CHAN: Hey! PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing? JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um.... [Russ and Julie look at each other with love in their eyes. The music builds...] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x10 - The One With Russ"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Doty Abrams Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [at Ross's. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up] ROSS: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi! CAROL: So how did everything go? ROSS: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it. CAROL: Well, we've gotta go. ROSS: Ok. SUSAN: [clears her throat] CAROL: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us. ROSS: Oh, you and me? CAROL: Uh, no, Susan and me. SUSAN: The other us. ROSS: Ok. CAROL: We're uh, we're getting married. ROSS: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married? CAROL: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to. ROSS: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding. CAROL: Look I just thought that... ROSS: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me! SUSAN: Is your finger caught in that chair? ROSS: Mmm hmmm. CAROL: Want us to go? ROSS: Uh-huh. [at Rachel and Monica's] ROSS: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be on television. JOEY: It really ht me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of our Lives. And then I started thinkin' about all of u, and how these are the days of our lives.. MONICA: Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast. ROSS, CHANDLER & JOEY: Yes! MONICA: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it? ROSS: Would it matter? MONICA: Oh, you are so great! [kisses him] Thank you! JOEY: Are you really not going? ROSS: I am really not going. I don't get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married? MONICA: They love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them. ROSS: If you wanna call that a reason. CHANDLER: [singing to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood] Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor. MONICA: Ross, I thought you were over this. ROSS: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there. JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever. RACHEL: [entering hurriedly] Did I miss it? Did I miss it? JOEY: No, I'm on right after this guy sht himself. CHANDLER: Whoa, she's pretty. JOEY: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting. RACHEL: I'm sorry, what? MONICA: What? JOEY: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. CHANDLER: Oh, ok. JOEY: There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon. MRS. WALLACE: Is she gonna be all right? JOEY: I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee. CHANDLER: Nice! RACHEL: That's great! ROSS: Excellent! CHANDLER: For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something. [Monica and Rachel's] ROSS: That is so good! Do it again! JOEY: All right, all right. "Damnit Braverman, it's right there on the chart!" CHANDLER: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect. ROSS: No no, that's me. CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. ROSS: Oh, hello. PHOEBE: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh... ROSS: Is everything ok? PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today. ROSS: Oh my god. CHANDLER: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get. PHOEBE: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman. MONICA: Oh, honey. PHOEBE: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far. RACHEL: What do you mean? PHOEBE: I think it went into me. [Everyone takes a step back from Phoebe] [Central Perk] MONICA: God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck. CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks. RACHEL: Ok, who ordered what? ROSS: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim. CHANDLER: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf? RACHEL: Oh god. JOEY: I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom comin'. RACHEL: I know, but it's just it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you know? PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time. JOEY: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady'll be with us? PHOEBE: I don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Sit up! MRS. GREEN: [entering] There she is. RACHEL: Mom! MRS GREEN: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun. RACHEL: Pretty much. MRS GREEN: Monica! You look gorgeous! Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten. RACHEL: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross. MRS GREEN: Oh hello, Ross. ROSS: Hi, Mrs. Green. [He gets up to shake her hand, but she ignores him.] MRS GREEN: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job? RACHEL: Oh Mom! MRS GREEN: If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink. CHANDLER: Believe me, sometimes that happens. MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you. RACHEL: Really? MRS GREEN: Yes. PHOEBE: I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales. JOEY: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer? PHOEBE: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales? [at Rachel and Monica's MRS GREEN: Oh my god, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello. RACHEL: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument. MRS GREEN: [laughing] You have some life here, sweetie. RACHEL: I know. And Mom, I realize you and Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much better for me, you know? MRS GREEN: I do. You didn't love Barry. And I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what I want. RACHEL: For...me. MRS GREEN: Well, not just for you. RACHEL: Well, what do you mean? MRS GREEN: I'm uh, considering leaving your father. MONICA: [entering] All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts. RACHEL: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick. MONICA: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them. ROSS: And you had no idea they weren't getting along? RACHEL: None. JOEY: They didn't fight a lot? RACHEL: No! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems? PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] In my day, divorce was not an option. JOEY: Hey, look who's up. RACHEL: I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this. MONICA: Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you. RACHEL: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut? CHANDLER: You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true. PHOEBE: That's him. CHANDLER: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet. MR A: Phoebe? PHOEBE: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me. MR A: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut into my busy day of sitting. PHOEBE: Um, do you wanna sit? MR A: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear? PHOEBE: I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me. MR A: You're saying, my wife is in you? PHOEBE: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around? MR A: Well, I don't know what to tell you dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything. PHOEBE: Everything? MR A: Everything. PHOEBE: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff. MR A: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head. MR A: [to Joey] Worth a sht, huh? [Joey nods and shrugs.] MRS GREEN: Look at this. RACHEL: These are from Halloween three years ago. MRS GREEN: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did he have to come straight from the office? RACHEL: No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist. MONICA: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"? RACHEL: Actually, what I think you said was, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen." MONICA: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it. RACHEL: Hey, Mon, you want some help? MONICA: If you want. PHOEBE: [enters] Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty. RACHEL: She's still with you? PHOEBE: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. [Takes Mrs. Green's chin in her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh, such a pretty face. MRS GREEN: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana? RACHEL: God! MONICA: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot around all this food. MRS GREEN: That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex? RACHEL: Oh! What's new in sex? MRS GREEN: The only man I've ever been with is your father. MONICA: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything. MRS GREEN: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more. RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this b*mb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing? MRS GREEN: No. RACHEL: You want me to talk you out of it? MRS GREEN: No. RACHEL: Then what? What do you want? MRS GREEN: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand this. RACHEL: Why on earth would I understand this? MRS GREEN: You didn't marry your Barry. I did. RACHEL: Oh. MONICA: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move! CHANDLER: Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles. MONICA: Joey, speed it up! JOEY: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to get in the blankets! PHOEBE: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out. MONICA: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry? PHOEBE: Sir! No sir! MONICA: [to Ross] All right, you! ROSS: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing. MONICA: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I'm gonna create a new appetizer called "pigs in Ross". All right, ball the melon. CHANDLER: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon. [knock at the door] MONICA: Hi. CAROL: How's it going? MONICA: It's goin' great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers.[everyone groans] CAROL: Fine, whatever. ROSS: What's the matter? CAROL: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding. ROSS: What? MONICA: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish. ROSS: Carol, what's the matter? What happened? CAROL: My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming. ROSS: Oh my god. CAROL: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything. ROSS: It's ok. I'm sorry. CAROL: And then Susan and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said we weren't doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do. ROSS: I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Susan's right. CAROL: You do? ROSS: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this. CAROL: Of course I do. ROSS: Well then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it. CAROL: You're right. Of course you're right. MONICA: So we're back on? CAROL: We're back on. MONICA: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes. [at the wedding] JOEY: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly. CHANDLER: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding. [Wedding music starts, Phoebe noisily unwraps a piece of candy.] PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later. [Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susan is escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by Ross.] CAROL: Thank you. ROSS: Any time. [He doesn't want to let her go] CAROL: Ross. [He lets her go] MINISTER: You know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony. PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh my god. Now I've seen everything! [Phoebe's voice] Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go. [At the reception, Monica and Ross watch Carol and Susan getting their picture taken.] MONICA: Would you look at them? ROSS: Yeah, can't help but. JOEY: [to a wedding guest] How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? [the guy nods] I wrapped those bad boys. PHOEBE: I miss Rose. CHANDLER: Oh, yeah? PHOEBE: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone. WOMAN: You know, I uh, I couldn't help but overhear what you just said, and I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life...how 'bout we go get you a drink? PHOEBE: Ok, that's so nice. [Chandler tries to warn Phoebe that the woman is coming on to her, but Phoebe doesn't see him.] CHANDLER: [to an attractive woman] I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? [The woman walks away] RACHEL: Hey, Mom? Having fun? MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options. RACHEL: There's more alcohol, right? [Susan approaches Ross, who's looking lonely] SUSAN: How you doin'? ROSS: Ok. SUSAN: You did a good thing today. ROSS: Yeah. SUSAN: You wanna dance? ROSS: No, that's fine. SUSAN: Come on. I'll let you lead. ROSS: Ok. [They dance; Carol looks on lovingly.] CHANDLER: [to the woman who just rejected him] All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people. [She walks away again.] [at Monica and Rachel's] MONICA: Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married? ROSS: Well, Mon, I was married. PHOEBE: Yeah, me, too, technically. RACHEL: I had a wedding. MONICA: All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion. JOEY: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? [They all look at Chandler] CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this? ALL: Oh, yeah! END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x11 - The One With the Lesbian Wedding"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: In a TV commercial that the gng is watching at Monica and Rachel's.] [A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.] COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth... [A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.] COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.] [Camera pans back from the TV to show the gng watching.] ROSS: That commercial always makes me so sad. JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK. ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel. PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin. MONICA: And the fact that they're both monkeys. ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away. RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding. ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it. CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.] [Joey enters holding a letter] JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got. CHANDLER: Rhythm? JOEY: No, my first fan mail. ALL: Alright! MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.' RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married. MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building. JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker. [Ross enters with a suitcase] ROSS: Hey guys. ALL: Hey. PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake? ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel. CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion. [Rob (Chris Isaac) enters] RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again. PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now. [Everyone laughs] PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello. ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen. PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen. ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great. PHOEBE: Oh, wow. ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids? PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.] JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner? CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically] [door buzzer goes off] CHANDLER: Hello. ERICA: It's Erica. JOEY: Ah, the stalker. ERICA: Never mind, it's open. CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon. JOEY: Let's get out of here. [They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door] CHANDLER: The one time they're not home. JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met. CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers. JOEY: She's comin'. [Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.] ERICA: It's me. JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready? CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding] [Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.] ERICA: Hi. JOEY: Erica. [Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.] LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question. ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel. LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on. ROSS: Oh my God, what happened? LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died. ROSS: I can't believe this. LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today. ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have called me. LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture. ROSS: Zoo dollars? LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died. [Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.] [Phoebe pulls out her guitar] KIDS: Ooohhh. PHOEBE: I know. MONICA: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like. CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery? RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah. CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that. RACHEL: And she's not crazy? CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore. RACHEL: Oh my God. MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this. CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac. ROB: You OK? PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear. ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired. PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me? ROSS: I was thinkin' about it. PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe ALL: Hi Phoebe. PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing] Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike. But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner. Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too. La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la... [Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.] ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing? JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what? ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord. JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites. ERICA: Who's they? JOEY: No one. ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't. JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically] ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one? JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at that. [Some guy at another table starts choking] WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor? ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore. [Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.] JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes. ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars? JANITOR: It's about your monkey. It's alive. [Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.] ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man? JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something. ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore? JOEY: But that's what... ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you. JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss] ERICA: Hey what? JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey. [Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.] PHOEBE: [singing] There'll be times when you get older when you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you. . . But don't. Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody That's another thing that you don't wanna do. MONICA: Excellent! CHANDLER: Very informative! RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate! PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back. ROB: That was great, the kids loved you. PHOEBE: Yay, I rock. ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible. PHOEBE: But. ROB: How did you know there was a but? PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but or butter. ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals. PHOEBE: I can do that. ROB: Really? PHOEBE: Yeah. ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me? PHOEBE: Thinkin' about it. [Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.] JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe. ROSS: Buddy, my monkey? JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken. ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dad. JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya? ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me. JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dad. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes? ROSS: That guy Lipson? JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows? ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson. JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with... ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey. JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo. ROSS: Of course. JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know. ROSS: This is unbelievable. JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend? ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you? JANITOR: Maybe. ROSS: But you already told me everything. [Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.] ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey. RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonna do? ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is. CHANDLER: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales. PHOEBE: OK, hi again. ALL: Hi Phoebe. PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. [singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers. Nooowww, chickens! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.] TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Drake. JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God. ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system. [knock at the door] ERICA: It's Erica. JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV. RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens. JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out. RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina? MONICA: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon. JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in. ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem? JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up? ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh? JOEY: Who? ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge. JOEY: It's not what you think, that was... ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face] JOEY: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor. ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this? JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here? RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.] ERICA: How, how can you be here and there. JOEY: 'Cause it's a television show. ERICA: Drake, what're you getting at? JOEY: I'm not Drake. ROSS: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin. ERICA: Is this true? RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face] MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face] CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face] ERICA: Is all this true? JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you. ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss] ROSS: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin. JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face] JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water. [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.] PHOEBE: Fired! Why? ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs. PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth? ROB: No. PHOEBE: I see. ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs. PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur? ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney. PHOEBE: Who's Barney. [Scene: Central Perk. The whole gng is there.] ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan. RACHEL: You're kidding. JOEY: This is amazing. ROSS: I know. JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies. PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I'm ready. RACHEL: OK. [little kid enters] KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth? PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that's me. KID: [shouting out the door] She's here. [a rush of kids enter] PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women, sometimes men love men, and then there are bisexuals, though some just say they're kidding themselves. la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la... [Scene: City street. The whole gng is walking up to the movie set.] ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year. CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre? SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon. ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey? SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set. ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together. SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper. MONICA: Ross, there he is. ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder] [Scene: The next time at the movie set.] SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh... JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in] ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground] JOEY: Woah, dude, burn. ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday. TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all. RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel? TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard. ALL: Woah. CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid. DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set? JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he? DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair. JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me. PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you? JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'? SUSIE: We've got a problem. DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me. SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche. DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad? SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan. DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her. SUSIE: I hate actors. CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya. SUSIE: Excuse me. CHANDLER: Ahhhh. SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler? CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is. SUSIE: Chandler Bing? CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game? SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse. CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up. SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it. CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp. SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants. CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore. [cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set] MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. RACHEL: What what what what? MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot. RACHEL: Ya think? MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop? RACHEL: No, was he any good in it? MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time. RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him? MONICA: Oh, yeah. RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen? MONICA: He could hear me. RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it for ya. MONICA: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook. RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi. VAN DAMME: Hi. RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute. VAN DAMME: You don't think I'm cute? RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her? VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute. [back to Chandler and Susie] CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows. SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating? CHANDLER: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money. [a voice in the background calls for makeup] SUSIE: Oh that's me, I gotta go. CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK. SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date. CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock. SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear. CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that? [back to Rachel and Monica] MONICA: So what'd he say? RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no. MONICA: Well, thanks anyway. RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking. MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do... RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you. [Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.] RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore. JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh. RACHEL: Does anybody need anything? MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself. RACHEL: That is so unfair. PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme. [Ross enters] ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours. JOEY: You're blowin' me off for a monkey? ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday. JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons. [Chandler enters] CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done. PHOEBE: Stick a fork what? CHANDLER: Like, when you're cooking a steak. PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat. CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done? PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell. CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'm done. CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?' MONICA: What did you say? CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator? PHOEBE: Oh, you just know. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.] SUSIE: Oh, sh*t, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes. CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops. SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go. SUSIE: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear? CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there. SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner. CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties? SUSIE: Could ya? CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.] ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake. JOEY: Oooh. ROSS: With mealworms. JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight? [phone rings] ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.] PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first. RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set? PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share... MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him. RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous. MONICA: You sold me out. RACHEL: I did not sell you out. MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely. RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead] MONICA: Did you just flick me? RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica] MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks] RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking. MONICA: You flicked me first. [They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.] PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass. [Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear] MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow. PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop. RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want? MONICA: Uh-huh. RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want? MONICA: OK. RACHEL: Oh that's what you want. MONICA: Yes. RACHEL: Fine. MONICA: Fine, PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches. [Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.] ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys. JOEY: Forget about it. SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy? CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out. JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities. DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting. JOEY: So what're you guys gonna eat? SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over? CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it. SUSIE: I want you right here, right now. CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp. SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom] CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom] [In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.] SUSIE: C'mon. CHANDLER: I can't believe we're doing this. SUSIE: Alright mister, let's see those panties. CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door] SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier? CHANDLER: What? SUSIE: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them. CHANDLER: Oh. SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off. CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials. SUSIE: C'mon hurry, hurry. CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right? SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind. CHANDLER: OK. [She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.] SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video. CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie. SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade. CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean? SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean. CHANDLER: What, what's what you mean? SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18. CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that? SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes] CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back. [Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.] MONICA: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you bat up that guy? [he nods] Can you bat up that guy? VAN DAMME: Sure. MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date. VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it. MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me? VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and... [Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.] MONICA: Say you're sorry. RACHEL: No. [hitting each other] MONICA: Say it. RACHEL: No. [hitting again] [Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it] MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it. RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater. MONICA: Say you're sorry. RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse] MONICA: What're you gonna do? RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara. MONICA: You don't have the guts. RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute. [Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse] PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place? [Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time] PHOEBE: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves. MONICA: I'll help you fix your sweater. RACHEL: I'll help you throw out your purse. MONICA: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him. RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him. MONICA: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse] [Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.] [Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.] CHANDLER: Joey? JOEY: Ma? CHANDLER: Joey! JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off. CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes. JOEY: Are you naked in there? CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties. JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties? CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time. JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes. CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them. JOEY: Well, let me see. CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever. JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing. [Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror] ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that. JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties. ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall] CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see. ROSS: Hi Tushie. CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants. JOEY: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any. CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any underwear? JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong. CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants. [Some guy has entered.] ALL: Hi. [Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.] [Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.] CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you? PHOEBE: I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on. [Joey enters] JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie. ROSS: What happened? JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye. ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right. PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God. ROSS: What? ["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.] [Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude] VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed. RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him] VAN DAMME: Goodbye. MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him] RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again] MONICA: OK. VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . . MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no. VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt. MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no. RACHEL: Impressive. MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking. MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye. [Scene: City street. Whole gng is there seeing off Marcel.] ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy. [Marcel is driven off in a limo] PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this. RACHEL: Oh yeah. PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string? CHANDLER: How long you been waitin' to say that? PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.] VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. DIRECTOR: Cut. VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. DIRECTOR: Cut. VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy DIRECTOR: Cut. VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is d*ad. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x12 - 02x13 - The One After the Superbowl"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Alexa Junge. Trascribed by Josh Hodge. NOTE: For this episode, I'm using italics to signify portions contained in the prom video. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is playing foosball by himself, Joey enters] JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: Hey. Hold on a second. [sh*t a goal] Huh? JOEY: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you. [hands Chandler an envelope. CHANDLER: What's this? JOEY: Eight hundred and twelve bucks. CHANDLER: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for? JOEY: Well, I'm makin money now and this is payin' you back for head shts, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza I can't even count. I love ya man. CHANDLER: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony. JOEY: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me. [hands Chandler a jewelry box] CHANDLER: Wow, I don't know what to say. [opens the box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy gold bracelet] Wow, I, I don't know what to say. JOEY: Heh, what d'ya say? CHANDLER: I don't know. It's a bracelet. JOEY: Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it out. CHANDLER: [reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the case] Thanks best bud. JOEY: Put it on. CHANDLER: Oh, now? [puts it in his desk drawer] No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. [sets a chair in front of the drawer] JOEY: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes with everything. [gets the bracelet from the drawer] You put this on, you're good to go. [puts the bracelet on Chandler] Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet. CHANDLER: I so am. JOEY: You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life? CHANDLER: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track. OPENING TITLES [Scene: A kitchen somewhere. Monica is interviewing for a job] INTERVIEWER: Well, this all looks good. MONICA: Great. INTERVIEWER: And if I want to call for a reference on your last job? MONICA: Oh, that's there on the bottom, see the manager, Chandler Bing. INTERVIEWER: Alright, lets see if you're as good in person as you are on paper. Make me a salad. MONICA: A salad? Really I, I could do something a little more complicated if you like. INTERVIEWER: No, just a salad will be fine. MONICA: You got it. INTERVIEWER: Now, I want you to tell me what you're doing while you're doing it. MONICA: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce. INTERVIEWER: Uh-huh. Is it dirty? MONICA: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it. INTERVIEWER: Don't, I like it dirty. MONICA: That's your call. INTERVIEWER: So, uh, what are you going to do next? MONICA: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos. INTERVIEWER: Are they, uh, firm? MONICA: They'r alright. INTERVIEWER: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad? MONICA: No really, they're OK. INTERVIEWER: You gonna slice them up real nice? MONICA: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne. INTERVIEWER: Aaaahhhhhhh. MONICA: I'm outa here. [Monica leaves] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting at the couch. Ross is sitting at the table and answers the phone.] ROSS: Y-ello. No, Rachel's not here right now, can I take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? OK, bye-bye. Hey, who's this uh, this Casey? PHOEBE: Oh, some guy she met at the movies. ROSS: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her? CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight. ROSS: [puts the message in the cupboard] I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service. PHOEBE: Hang in there, it's gonna happen. ROSS: Wha, OK, now how do you know that? PHOEBE: Because she's your lobster. CHANDLER: Oh, she's goin' somewhere. PHOEBE: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tnk, ya know, holding claws like. . . [Monica enters from bathroom after taking a shower] CHANDLER: Hey, you feelin' better? MONICA: Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me. PHOEBE: So, do you have any other possibilities? MONICA: Oh yeah, well there's the possibility that I won't make rent. ROSS: Monica, if you want, I can lend you some money. MONICA: No no no, if I couldn't pay you back right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you. ROSS: Oh OK. Well then why don't you, uhh, why don't you borrow it from mom and dad? You feel guilty and tense around them already. You might as well make some money off of them. CHANDLER: Ya know, the man's got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off] PHOEBE: What is that sparkly thing? CHANDLER: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy. ROSS: No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a Goodfella. MONICA: Man, man that is sharp. It must have cost you quite a few debloons. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica answers the door and lets her parents in. They are carrying boxes.] MONICA: Hi. MR. GELLER: Hi. MRS. GELLER: Hi darling. MONICA: So, what's this. MR. GELLER: Some of your old stuff. MRS. GELLER: Well sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym. MONICA: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Ross's room? MR. GELLER: Gosh, we talked about that but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges, well we didn't want to disturb them. MONICA: Oh, God forbid. [Rachel enters with a laundry basket] MRS. GELLER: Oh, hi Rachel. RACHEL: Hi. MRS. GELLER: Oh, we were so sorry to hear about your parents splitting up, dear. RACHEL: Oh, well, you know, they're just separated so, you know, never know, we'll see. MR. GELLER: Well, I can't say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever since we've known them. Especially after that incident in Hawaii. RACHEL: What, what incident? MR. GELLER: Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don't you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold. You fold. [shuffles her into her room] [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on couches. A beautiful woman is looking at Chandler.] PHOEBE: Do you want a refill? CHANDLER: No, I'm alright, thanks. PHOEBE: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. [she sticks out her gut, clears her throat and sniffs her nose and then in her best male voice. . .] Dude, 11 o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really good, I think I'm ready for my penis now. CHANDLER: [walks over to the woman] I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's. GAIL: I'm Gail. CHANDLER: Chandler. [waves his arm around, exposing the bracelet] GAIL: I, I really have to be somewhere but it was nice meeting you. CHANDLER: What? [realizes it was the bracelet] Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap. PHOEBE: It's not that bad. CHANDLER: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler] PHOEBE: Chandler, Chandler. CHANDLER: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi. Hey man, we were just doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your Marcel Marceau. [Joey turns around and walks out without saying anything] That's actually good. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is talking to a man at the counter. Ross and Phoebe are sitting at the couches.] ROSS: Would you look at that guy, I mean how long has he been talking to her. It's like, back off buddy she's a waitress not a geisha. PHOEBE: I think she's OK. ROSS: [Rachel, laughing, puts a hand on the guy's shoulder] Look at that, look at that, see how she's pushing him away and he won't budge. Alright, I'm gonna do something. [walks up in the middle of their conversation] Excuse me, are you Rachel? RACHEL: What? ROSS: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your add you said you were pretty but wow. RACHEL: What are you, what are you doin'? ROSS: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I don't believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works out we'll, we'll have something to tell the grandkids. MAN: Sure will. I've uh, gotta go. Take care. ROSS: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. [man leaves] You're welcome. RACHEL: What? ROSS: I was saving you. RACHEL: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me? ROSS: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . . RACHEL: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not yours to save. ROSS: But, you are. RACHEL: What? ROSS: Uh, uh, well you're, umm, you're my lobster. RACHEL: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the blind date guy again? ROSS: No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tnk when, when they're old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tnk, ya know, with, with the holding and. . . Uhh, Phoebs you wanna help me out with the, the whole lobster thing? PHOEBE: Do the claws again. ROSS: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We're, let's talk, what about us? RACHEL: Ross, there is no us, OK. ROSS: No, but. . . RACHEL: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it. ROSS: Well, but, but. . . RACHEL: NO but Ross. We are never gonna happen, OK. Accept that. ROSS: E-except, except that what? RACHEL: No, no, ACC-cept that. ROSS: Oh. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is there. Joey enters.] CHANDLER: Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? [Joey doesn't respond] Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a basketball to Joey. Joey doesn't move to catch it and the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that's my bad. JOEY: If you hated the bracelet so much, Chandler, you should have just said so. CHANDLER: Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me? JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me? CHANDLER: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions] JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his knees, holding the couch cushions] CHANDLER: I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now. . . [Joey returns to his room] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Mr. and Mrs. Geller are watching tennis on TV, Monica is sitting at the table] MR. GELLER: You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there. ROSS: Hey guys. MRS. GELLER: Hi, darling. Where's my grandson, you didn't bring him? ROSS: No, he's at uh, Carol's and Susan's today. MR. GELLER: A woman in my office is a lesiban. I'm just saying. MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack look, there's that house paint commercial that cracks you up. [the Gellers return to watching TV and Ross goes over to Monica] MONICA: Where have you been? ROSS: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet? MONICA: No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't asked them yet. ROSS: C'mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monica has some news. MONICA: Um, yeah, so uh, uhh, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before but umm, I, I'm no longer at my job, I, I had to leave it. MRS. GELLER: Why? MONICA: Because they made me. MRS. GELLER: You were fired? What're you gonna do? MR. GELLER: Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go? MONICA and ROSS: In the bank. MR. GELLER: There you go. So she dips into her savings, that's what it's there for. She's gonna be fine, and if you need a little extra, you know where to find it. [pulls a quarter from behind her ear] MONICA: Anything larger back there? [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe enter.] CHANDLER: I can't believe it. PHOEBE: Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay. CHANDLER: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar] RACHEL: [comes up from behind the bar and startles Chandler] Hey. I've got something that's gonna make you happy. Guess what gn found? [holds up Chandler's bracelet] PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler looks annoyed] Oh, now you have two. CHANDLER: What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks in behind him] JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: Hey. JOEY: How come you have two? CHANDLER: Well this one's for you. JOEY: Get out. CHANDLER: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds. JOEY: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies. CHANDLER: That's what they'll call us. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Ross are standing in the kitchen. Ross is filling out a check] ROSS: Here you go, you can pay me back whenever you like. MONICA: You have dinosaur checks? ROSS: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something, what's wrong with that? MONICA: Nothin', nothin', hey you're a cheapasaurus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, thank you, I'm very greatful. PHOEBE: [Standing in living room with Chandler and Joey. She pulls a huge bathing suit out of a box] Hey, Mon, what is this? MONICA: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then. CHANDLER: Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained. JOEY: [pulls out a VCR tape] Hey Monica, what's on this video tape? MONICA: Hey, you got me, put it in. ROSS: [Rachel enters] Oh. RACHEL: Hi. ROSS: Hi. MRS. GELLER: Over here Jack. OK. I see, Rachel's coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look pretty. Jack, get this. [Rachel enters with a huge nose] RACHEL: Oh my God. JOEY: What is with your nose? RACHEL: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum. CHANDLER: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut. MONICA: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom. RACHEL: Oh. ROSS: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this. ALL: Oh yeah we do. C'mon. MRS. GELLER: Get a sht of Monica. Where's Monica. MONICA: Over here dad. [he pans over and we see a torso taking up the whole screen] MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out? [zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is. JOEY: Some girl ate Monica. MONICA: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds. CHANDLER: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you? MONICA: Oh, you look so great. RACHEL: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. [they hug] MONICA: Oops. RACHEL: What? MONICA: sh*t, I think I got mayonaise on you. RACHEL: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's not my dress. MR. GELLER: Everybody smile. MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off. MR. GELLER: It is off. MONICA: Dad, it is not. What's with the red light? MR. GELLER: It's the off light. Right Ross? [pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache] JOEY: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter. ROSS: You look pretty tonight. RACHEL: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer? ROSS: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out, work on my music. RACHEL: [the shoulders of her dress keep falling off her shoulders] Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling down, I can't. . . ROSS: Uh, hold, let me see, I don't know. So what're you gonna do. . . [doorbell rings] RACHEL: Oh, the guys are here. ROSS: this summer? CHANDLER: Work on your music? [Ross is sitting on the stairs with a laptop keyboard playing 'Axel-F'] RACHEL: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik. MONICA: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper. RACHEL: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet? ROY: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip pins Monica's corsage on, Monica then turns and whispers to Rachel] MONICA: I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob. RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late. MONICA: If you're not going then I don't want to go either. ROY: Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass. MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom. ROSS: Doubtful. MRS. GELLER: Jack, give me that. Talk to your son. MR. GELLER: Your mother's right. Take her, you can wear my tux. ROSS: Dad, she won't want to go with me. MR. GELLER: Of course she would, you're a college man. ROSS: I don't know. MR. GELLER: Well, c'mon. Don't ya want to find out? RACHEL: I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom, this is so harsh. ROSS: OK. Hold my board. MR. GELLER: Atta boy. [Ross scrambles upstairs to change] ROSS: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off. ALL: No, no, no. ROSS: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright. MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go. MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome. MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em. ROSS: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself] OK, be cool, just be cool. [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad. MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving] RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye. MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off? MR. GELLER: Press the button. MRS. GELLER: Which one? Which button, Jack. MR. GELLER: The button, the button. MONICA: I can't believe you did that. ROSS: Yeah, well. [Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross] PHOEBE: See, he's her lobster. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is watching the rest of the tape] MRS. GELLER: Dance with him. MONICA: Mom, I'm hungry. MRS. GELLER: Dance with your father. MR. GELLER: I may not know any of your flash dances but I'm no slouch on the dance floor. MONICA: Alright. [the tape cuts to Monica's parents under the covers] MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack. MR. GELLER: Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy. BOTH: Oh, ohhhhh. [Monica is visibly upset] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x14 - The One With the Prom Video"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Transcribed by Joshua Hodge Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler enter with Chandler covering his eyes and Joey leading him.] JOEY: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking. CHANDLER: Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes. JOEY: Alright open your eyes. [opens his eyes to see two black leather recliners and a big screen TV] CHANDLER: Sweet mother of all that is good and pure. JOEY: Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option. CHANDLER: Congratulations! JOEY: I know. chandler: Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen. JOEY: Uh-huh. CHANDLER: So uh, which one is mine? JOEY: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. [Chandler starts to sit in one of the chairs] Not that one. CHANDLER: [sits down] Ohh yes. JOEY: [sits down] Ohh yeah, that's the stuff. CHANDLER: [reaches for the footrest lever] Do we dare? JOEY: We dare. BOTH: [both extend the footrests] Aaahhhh. [both recline their chairs] AAAAHHHHHH. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.] PHOEBE: I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up. CHANDLER: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild. ROSS: This screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van dke is practically life-size. ALL: Woah! MONICA: Rose Marie really belongs on a smaller screen, doesn't she? [Rachel enters] RACHEL: Hi you guys. ALL: Hey. RACHEL: Hey you. ROSS: Hey you. [they stand together in front of the TV.] CHANDLER and JOEY: Woah, hey, yo. [Rachel and Ross move] RACHEL: So, uh, how was your day? ROSS: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping. RACHEL: Really? Mine too. PHOEBE: Hey cool, mine too. ROSS: [beeper goes off] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight. RACHEL: OK. [they go to kiss but everyone's watching so Ross just kisses her on the top of her head and leaves] ROSS: Bye guys. ALL: Bye. MONICA: [walks up to Rachel in front of the TV] Tonight? CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, yo. [they move from out of in front of the TV] MONICA: What's tonight? RACHEL: It is our first official date. Our first date. MONICA: Uh, hello. RACHEL: Hi. MONICA: Tonight you're supposed to waitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for you? RACHEL: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is our first date. MONICA: Yes but my mom got me this job. PHOEBE: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress. RACHEL: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe. MONICA: Really Phoebs? Because, you know, you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing. PHOEBE: I can be a waitress. OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la. [Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Dr. Burke answers the door for Phoebe and Monica.] PHOEBE: It's James Bond. MONICA: Sorry we're late. DR. BURKE: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was. MONICA: Dr. Burke, it, it's me. DR. BURKE: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look great. MONICA: Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe. She's gonna be helping me tonight. DR. BURKE: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. [Phoebe just giggles when they shake] So, how ya been? MONICA: I've been great, just great. How have you been? [tilting her head] DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt. MONICA: The head tilt? DR. BURKE: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a sympathetic head tilt. [demonstrating] 'How ya doin'? You OK?' MONICA: I'm sorry. DR. BURKE: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head bob. [demonstrates] 'I'm OK.' [tilts head] 'You sure?' [bobs head] 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CD's to change. MONICA: [her and Phoebe tilt their heads] Oh, that's too bad. DR. BURKE: [bobbing his head] I'll survive. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is ordering a pizza.] CHANDLER: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up. JOEY: What if we have to pee? CHANDLER: I'll cancel the sodas. [Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are in the kitchen.] MONICA: You've got to get back out there, it's your party. DR. BURKE: But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists. MONICA: You're an opthamologist. DR. BURKE: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif. PHOEBE: [entering the kitchen from the party] That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there. DR. BURKE: See. MONICA: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency. DR. BURKE: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this. [grabbing some wine glasses and opening the door to the party] Who needs glasses? [everyone laughs] PHOEBE: You are so smitten. MONICA: I am not. PHOEBE: Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out. MONICA: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up. PHOEBE: So. You two are totally into each other. MONICA: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me. PHOEBE: OK, so what, you're just never gonna see him again? MONICA: Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment. PHOEBE: Didn't you like, just get your eyes checked? MONICA: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are returning from a movie.] RACHEL: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard to follow. ROSS: I told you there was going to be sub-titles. RACHEL: I know, I just didn't want to wear my glasses on my first date. [They start kissing.] RACHEL: Monica. ROSS: It would really help when I'm kissing you if you didn't shout out my sister's name. RACHEL: Honey, I'm just checking. ROSS: Oh. RACHEL: Monica. ROSS: Mon. RACHEL: Monica. ROSS: Mon. [Since they're alone they start kissing and Ross's hands work their way down until they're on Rachel's butt. Rachel starts laughing.] ROSS: What, what. RACHEL: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah, Ross's hands are on my butt. Sorry. ROSS: And that's, that's funny why? RACHEL: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean, we're crossing that line, sort of a big thing. ROSS: I, I know it's big, I just didn't know it was uh, ha-ha big. RACHEL: OK. [start kissing again and Rachel starts lauging again] ROSS: OK, my hands were no where near your butt. RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there. ROSS: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm feeling too self conscious. RACHEL: Just one cheek. ROSS: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone. RACHEL: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them. ROSS: That's romantic. RACHEL: C'mon touch it. ROSS: No. RACHEL: Oh, come on squeeze it. ROSS: No. RACHEL: Rub it. ROSS: No. RACHEL: Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are watching a Miracle Wax info-mercial.] JOEY: Wow, look at that. The car is on fre, yet somehow it's expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax. CHANDLER: You got a Cheeto on your face man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it] [Ross enters] JOEY: Hi. CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey. JOEY: What're you doin' here? Aren't you supposed to be out with Rachel? ROSS: That was 14 hours ago. CHANDLER: So how'd it go? ROSS: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'? CHANDLER: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin. JOEY: She laughed at you? ROSS: Yeah. I don't know, I've been wanting this since like ninth grade typing, ya know. And I just want it to be perfect and right and. . . why isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint? CHANDLER: It's the Miracle Wax. JOEY: It certainly is a miracle. [Rachel enters] RACHEL: Hi you guys. CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey. ROSS: Hey. RACHEL: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. . . CHANDLER: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice. [Rachel and Ross go out in the hall] RACHEL: OK, listen, I'm sorry about last night and I really want to make it up to you. ROSS: No, you, ya know there's no need to make it u. . . how? RACHEL: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert. ROSS: Humm, that sounds, I don't, perfect. [there's a loud bang at the door so Ross opens it back up to find a shoe has been thrown at it] RACHEL: What's this. CHANDLER: Could you get us a couple of beers? [Scene: Dr. Burke's office. Monica is there for her eye appointment.] DR. BURKE: I'm going to look into your eyes now. MONICA: Really. DR. BURKE: Yeah, that's my job. Alright, look up. . . look down, now open your eyes, now look down. That's right, look into the light. Now look at me. . . OK. Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes. MONICA: Good, they feel good, in my head. DR. BURKE: So, it's great to see ya. MONICA: You too. DR. BURKE: You too. MONICA: OK, um. Goodbye. DR. BURKE: Drops! MONICA: What? DR. BURKE: Drops. Here, they're free. MONICA: Thanks. So, I guess I better be going. DR. BURKE: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later. MONICA: Thanks again. [He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, then they embrace in a full on kiss] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still watching TV. Phoebe stands in front of the TV.] PHOEBE: We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs. CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, woah, hey, woah. PHOEBE: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people. JOEY: No, inside good, outside bad. PHOEBE: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, XANADU! OH. CHANDLER: She's one of us now. [Rachel and Ross enter] RACHEL: Hi you guys. ROSS: Hey. CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Hey. ROSS: Well we just wanted to stop by and uh, say goodnight. CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Goodnight. ROSS: Look at that, they won't even turn their heads. RACHEL: Alright you guys, I'm takin' off my shirt. JOEY: [uses a dentist mirror to see] Naa, she's lyin'. [Monica enters carrying food that's been delivered] MONICA: Stop sending food to our apartment. ROSS: Well, why're you all dressed up? PHOEBE: You're not the only one who has a date tonight. ROSS: What? You have a date? Who with? MONICA: No one. ROSS: C'mon, what's his name? MONICA: Nothing. ROSS: Come on, tell me. MONICA: Alright, but I'm very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental. ROSS: Oh, I promise, what. MONICA: It's Richard Burke. ROSS: Who's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad. MONICA: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with. ROSS: Doctor Burke is sexy? RACHEL and PHOEBE: Oh God, absolutely. ROSS: [his beeper goes off] It's the museum again, can I, oh. RACHEL: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once. MONICA: When? RACHEL: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here. [points to the tip of her nose] PHOEBE: Oh you are so lucky. RACHEL: I know. ROSS: [on the phone] Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n, hm-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect. CHANDLER: Well maybe he was nervous. [Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross is fixing a display, Rachel is waiting patiently.] ROSS: Oh look, I can't believe this. Look, hm-habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've got him here wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just give him a microwave? I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it's just it's longer than I expected, we will have dinner. RACHEL: It's OK, it's fine. ROSS: KARL! [Ross leaves to find Karl. Rachel takes a peek under the loincloth of one of the display models.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are sitting on the couch. He's showing her the pictures in his wallet.] MONICA: Wow, is that Michelle? DR. BURKE: Yep. MONICA: I've not seen her since high school graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional. DR. BURKE: Ya know, she's having another baby. MONICA: I thought she just had one. DR. BURKE: No no. Henry's almost two and he's talking and everyting. Here. You know, the other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in all fairness his other grandpa's a drunk but still. . . MONICA: Oh, you're a grandpa. DR. BURKE: Yeah. Are we nuts here? MONICA: I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in. DR. BURKE: I didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older than you. MONICA: Yeah. DR. BURKE: So. MONICA: So maybe we should just. . . DR. BURKE: Yeah, yeah, maybe. MONICA: Wow, this really sucks. DR. BURKE: Yeah, it sure does. [they hug and it turns into a passionate kiss] MONICA: Well, we don't really have to decide anything right now, do we? DR. BURKE: No, no, there's no rush or anything. [knock at the door] DELIVERY GUY: Pizza delivery. MONICA: Oh, I'm gonna kll those guys. [Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross enters the display where Rachel is waiting.] ROSS: Rach. RACHEL: Oh. ROSS: I'm done. RACHEL: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh, Sorentino's. ROSS: Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't we find someplace else. RACHEL: No, you know what, it's late, everything's gonna be closed. Why don't we just do it another night? ROSS: No, no, we won't. RACHEL: We won't? ROSS: [grabs a fur pelt] C'mon. RACHEL: OK, that's dad right? [Scene: The museum planetarium. Ross and Rachel enter on stage.] RACHEL: What is this? What are we doing? ROSS: Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape? RACHEL: Grape. ROSS: [spreads the pelt on the floor] OK, now, sit. OK. [he starts the music system] RACHEL: Oh, God. [The stereo system booms out 'Billions of years ago. . .'. Ross gets up and changes it to music.] ROSS: Sorry. RACHEL: Ah, so what are we looking at? ROSS: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major. RACHEL: Really? ROSS: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight. RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. [they kiss] ROSS: You're not laughing. RACHEL: This time it's not so funny. [They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.] RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK. ROSS: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box. RACHEL: Oh, thank God. [Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next morning Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.] ROSS: Hi. RACHEL: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you. ROSS: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah. RACHEL: What? ROSS: We're not alone. [A church youth group is outside the display watching them] CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are still in their chairs, watching Beavis and Butthead.] [they're laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off] JOEY: Is that the f*re alarm? CHANDLER: Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time. JOEY: Cool. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x15 - The One Where Rachel and Ross... You Know"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Betsy Bornes Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal] JOEY: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat? CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years. [Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.] CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah. JOEY: What? CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put. JOEY: Yeah, so. CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush? JOEY: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain. CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere. JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap? CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning. JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table, Joey and Chandler enter.] CHANDLER: Hey. MONICA and PHOEBE: Hey. JOEY: Hey. PHOEBE: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion? JOEY: Well, you know that guy that's on my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch. PHOEBE: Ahh. RACHEL: [enters from her room] OK, ready when you are. PHOEBE: Okey-doke. MONICA: I can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos. CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos? RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I want to surprise him. JOEY: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get? PHOEBE: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily. CHANDLER: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch? JOEY: So where you gettin' it? PHOEBE: I think on my shoulder. [Ross enters] ROSS: What? What's on your shoulder? PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo. ROSS: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? [to Rachel] Hi. RACHEL: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kind of cool? ROSS: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me? MONICA: Ross, come sign this birthday card for dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute. CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh? MONICA: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he has to be there. JOEY: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two? MONICA: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke. PHOEBE: No, I think you should tell them. MONICA: No, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything. ROSS: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.' [Scene: The Gellers' house. Monica, Ross, and Richard are arriving to Mr. Gellers birthday party.] ROSS: Alright, shall we? MONICA: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks like we're trying to cover something up. ROSS: Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it. [opens door] We're here. MRS. GELLER: Oh hi kids. Hi darling. MONICA: Happy birthday dad. MR. GELLER: Oh thank you. ROSS: Hi ma. RICHARD: Happy birthday. MRS. GELLER: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride? ROSS: Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us. [Scene: The Gellers' kitchen. Monica, Mrs. Geller and one of Mrs. Geller's friends are preparing the cake.] FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in? MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride. FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. [Monica sprays whipped cream all over the place] MONICA: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom. MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section. MONICA: Are we still on that? MRS. GELLER: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin. FRIEND: She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up. [Monica folds her arms over her breasts] [Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.] JOEY: Can you believe this place? CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment. JOEY: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peein' with the Rockettes. CHANDLER: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously. JOEY'S CO-STAR: Hey. JOEY: Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment man. JOEY'S CO-STAR: Thanks. You want it? JOEY: Huh? JOEY'S CO-STAR: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one. JOEY: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this? JOEY'S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen. CHANDLER: [being left behind] Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK. [Scene: Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a friend are questioning Richard while Ross observes.] MR. GELLER: C'mon, tell us. FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20. RICHARD: I am not telling you guys anything. MR. GELLER: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously. ROSS: Dad, you really don't want to do that. MR. GELLER: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends? RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go? MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster. RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that. MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . . ROSS: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence. MR. GELLER: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche. [Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are deciding on tattoos.] PHOEBE: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily? RACHEL: Well I. . . PHOEBE: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh. TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me. PHOEBE: Here we go. RACHEL: [reluctantly] Uh-huh. PHOEBE: You're not going? RACHEL: Uh-huh. PHOEBE: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said? RACHEL: No. Well, yeah, maybe. PHOEBE: I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922? RACHEL: What's 1922? PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo? RACHEL: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . . PHOEBE: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you? RACHEL: No. PHOEBE: OK, who is the boss of you?!! RACHEL: You? PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!! [Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is in the bathroom and Richard comes in.] RICHARD: How ya doin'? MONICA: I'm a twinkie. RICHARD: Really? I'm a hero. MONICA: Oh, this is so hard. RICHARD: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them. MONICA: Maybe we should just tell your parents first. RICHARD: My parents are dad. MONICA: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean. . . you know what I mean. RICHARD: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright. MONICA: Alright. RICHARD: [walks out of the bathroom and runs into Mrs. Geller who is going to the bathroom] Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you. MRS. GELLER: Thank you Richard, I appreciate the support. [Monica jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs. Geller enters the bathroom, Mr. Geller peeks his head in.] MR. GELLER: Honey. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one. MRS. GELLER: I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city? MR. GELLER: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon. MRS. GELLER: I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo. MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her. MRS. GELLER: Really. MR. GELLER: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy. MRS. GELLER: So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model? MR. GELLER: Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds. MRS. GELLER: [they start kissing] Oh Jack stop. MR. GELLER: C'mon, it's my birthday. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning from their brunch.] JOEY: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment. CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it. JOEY: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love. CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kll you to say it once in a while. JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it. CHANDLER: What? JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore. CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware. JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie. CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it. JOEY: Well that's how I feel. CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it. JOEY: Well then maybe I will. CHANDLER: Fine with me. JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons. [Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Mr. and Mrs. Geller enter looking particularly refreshed. Monica follows looking rather pale.] MR. GELLER: Who's drink can I freshen? MRS. GELLER: Almost time for cake. ROSS: Mon, Mon, are you OK? MONICA: You remember that video I found of mom and dad? ROSS: Yeah. MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show. ROSS: Eww. [Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica and Richard are alone in the kitchen.] MONICA: Hey there. RICHARD: What? MONICA: Nothing, I just heard something nice about you. RICHARD: Humm, really? [Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter] MRS. GELLER: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he? RICHARD: Uhh, not that I know of. MRS. GELLER: Well, I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monica a call? RICHARD: That - that's an idea. MONICA: Well, actually, I'm already seeing someone. MRS. GELLER: Oh? RICHARD: Oh? ROSS: Ohh. MRS. GELLER: She never tells us anything. Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone? ROSS: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal? MRS. GELLER: So, who's the mystery man? MONICA: Well, uh, he's a doctor. MRS. GELLER: A real doctor? MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him. [she puts her arm around Richard] MRS. GELLER: Well that's wonderful. . . I MONICA: Mom, it's OK. RICHARD: It is Judy. MRS. GELLER: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW! MR. GELLER: [enters with his bat] Found it. ROSS: I'll take that dad. [grabs the bat] MRS. GELLER: It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item. MR. GELLER: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city. MONICA: Dad, I'm the twinkie. MR. GELLER: You're the twinkie? RICHARD: She's not a twinkie. MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in. . . MRS. GELLER: Oh please, a relationship. MONICA: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man. RICHARD: Really? MONICA: Yes. MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday? MONICA: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard happier. MR. GELLER: When did I say that? MONICA: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom. [Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy Birthday.] [Scene: Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing Phoebe her tattoo.] PHOEBE: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it. RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours. PHOEBE: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again. RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours. PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went. RACHEL: You didn't get it? PHOEBE: No. RACHEL: Why didn't you get it? PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. RACHEL: Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea. PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles? RACHEL: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is at the bar and Joey enters.] JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: Hey. JOEY: Hey listen, I'm sorry about what happened. . . CHANDLER: Yeah me too. JOEY: I know. Yeah. CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . . JOEY: No, we're alright. CHANDLER: So I got ya something. [tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons] JOEY: Plastic spoons. Great. CHANDLER: Lick away my man. JOEY: These'll go great in my new place. You know, 'till I get real ones. CHANDLER: What? JOEY: Well, I can't use these forever. I mean, let's face it, they're no friend to the environment. CHANDLER: No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place? JOEY: I'm movin' out like we talked about. CHANDLER: Well I didn't think that was serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was just a fight. JOEY: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone or anything. I just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever. CHANDLER: Well, there you go. JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry. CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there. JOEY: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table? CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it. JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half. CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it. JOEY: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass. CHANDLER: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister. JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are setting the table.] MONICA: So, are you sorry that I told them? RICHARD: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running. [Rachel and Phoebe enter] RACHEL: Oh. MONICA: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see. RACHEL: Is Ross here? MONICA: No he went out to get pizza. RACHEL: Oh really, OK. [shows Monica her tattoo] MONICA: That's great. RICHARD: Very tasteful. PHOEBE: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine? MONICA: Yes. RACHEL: What? You didn't get one. PHOEBE: OK, well then what is this? [shows her bare shoulder] RICHARD: What're we looking at? That blue freckle? PHOEBE: OK, that's my tattoo. RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it. PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven. RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. [she bends over and bears her tattoo right when Ross returns] ROSS: You got a tattoo? RACHEL: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world. ROSS: Lemme see. [looks] RACHEL: Well? ROSS: Well it's really. . . sexy. I wouldn't have thought it would be but. . . wow. RACHEL: Really? ROSS: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff? RACHEL: I guess. ROSS: Hey, save us some pizza. [they go off to Rachel's room] [Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table.] JOEY: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it. CHANDLER: Stop talkin' to your men. [Joey scores] JOEY: Yes! And the table is mine. CHANDLER: Congratulations. [Chandler leaves] [Scene: Chandler's apartment. The whole g*ng is helping Joey pack.] JOEY: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right? CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a look] except when we are here. PHOEBE: I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you. MONICA: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore. RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra? JOEY: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs accross the street. CHANDLER: [quietly] Yeah, I remember. ROSS: Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck. [Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.] CHANDLER: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table? JOEY: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice. CHANDLER: Thanks. JOEY: So, I guess this is it. CHANDLER: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so. [Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.] JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again. CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house. JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care. CHANDLER: Yeah. [Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.] CLOSING CREDITS END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x16 - The One Where Joey Moves Out"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Adam Chase. Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. [Scene: Joey's new apartment. Everyone but Chandler is there. Joey has decorated the place with tons of tacky stuff.] JOEY: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey. Huh? I decorated it myself. ROSS: Get out. ALL: No. MONICA: [looking at some kind of glass sculpture thing] Wow Joey, this is, uhh... JOEY: Art. MONICA: Art it is. ROSS: [looking at a glass table with a panther shaped base] Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide. RACHEL: [holding a pillow made out of 4 inch red fur] Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin? PHOEBE: [looking at a water sculpture that looks like a window with rain running down it] Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing. JOEY: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee. PHOEBE: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's the challenge. JOEY: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn't come? ROSS: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing. JOEY: Right, I go-, I got it. PHOEBE: So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa? JOEY: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. [leads them to the bathroom, gestures towards toilet, everyone stares, uncomprehending] Heh? RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet. JOEY: No no no, behind it. ROSS: Wha-, you have a phone in here? JOEY: That's right, I have a phone in here. MONICA: Joey, promise me something. JOEY: Yeah. MONICA: Never call me from that phone. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Ross are seated. Rachel is walking over with coffee and a piece of pie.] [Someone bumps into Rachel and she drops the pie in a guy's hood that's seated at the table. She improvises by using the plate as a saucer for the coffee.] RACHEL: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece. [Phoebe enters] PHOEBE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered. CHANDLER: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago. PHOEBE: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK. ALL: OK. PHOEBE: OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat. ALL: [congradulating her and celebrating] PHOEBE: I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to do a video. ALL: [celebrating more] PHOEBE: I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album. [everyone is quiet, unsure if she's done or not] PHOEBE: I'm done now. ALL: [celebrating] [the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave] RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood. ROSS: Get the what? RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go. [Ross goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie out of his hood as he leaves] GUY: What're you doing? ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary insect by his head, guy leaves promptly] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is outside the bathroom yelling at Ross who's in the bathroom.] MONICA: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the bathroom. ROSS: Calm down, I'm blow drying. [Rachel enters with laundry and starts folding] MONICA: Blow drying what, you have no hair. RACHEL: What's goin' on? MONICA: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again . RACHEL: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults now. MONICA: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!! RACHEL: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue. ROSS: [comes out] All yours. MONICA: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain. ROSS: [in a childish voice] I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain. MONICA: Shut up. ROSS: [childish voice] Shut up. MONICA: Cut it out. ROSS: [childish voice] Mi-mi-mii. [Monica goes in the bathroom] RACHEL: [sarcastically] I've never wanted you more. [Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar wearing huge dog-slippers] CHANDLER: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks] Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy. [Joey's apartment, phone rings] JOEY: Hello. CHANDLER: Hey. JOEY: Hey! CHANDLER: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today. JOEY: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing. CHANDLER: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great. JOEY: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the apartment doin' CHANDLER: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest. JOEY: Oh, well great. CHANDLER: Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey. JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer? CHANDLER: That's right my friend. It's time for... BOTH: Baywatch!! [both turn on TV's] JOEY: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer? CHANDLER: I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant. JOEY: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're in love with Yasmine Blepe. CHANDLER: Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Blepe? JOEY: Hey, hey, they're runnin' CHANDLER: See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind. [Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting between Monica and Phoebe.] MONICA: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself. JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think. PHOEBE: Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler about moving back? JOEY: You really think he'd take me? I mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I moved out, I hurt him bad. MONICA: I promise you, he would definitely want you back. [Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting between Rachel and Ross.] ROSS: I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back. CHANDLER: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together. ROSS: Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated. RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too. CHANDLER: But... ROSS: No. You're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... rommmates anymore. [Scene: Recording studio. Phoebe is getting ready to record Smelly Cat.] PRODUCER: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one? PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers start singing smelly, smelly, smelly, smelly behind her] Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that? PRODUCER:They're your backup singers... beind you. PHOEBE: OH!! Oh I thought they were just watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know. PRODUCER: Alrighty. From the top. PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat. PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here. PHOEBE: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let's go. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Ross is on the phone.] ROSS: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monica comes out of her room] Oh, were you takin' a nap? MONICA: I was. ROSS: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? That's the other line. [gets the other line] Hello. Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. [hangs up the other line] Call Joanna. [back on with Tony] Hi. MONICA: Did she leave a number? ROSS: Did you see me write one down? MONICA: I don't have her number, butt-munch. ROSS: Well, she'll call back, don't be such a baby. MONICA: I'm not a baby, you're the baby. ROSS: Look, you wanna get off my back? MONICA: You wanna get out of my face? ROSS: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. [answers second line] Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. [gets first line] Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my sister's boyfriend. MONICA: Give me that. ROSS: OK. MONICA: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom. [she starts throwing oranges at Ross who's looking pleased with himself] [Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar, bouncing a ball against the door. Joey walks in right as he throws the ball and catches it.] JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: So uhh, how's the palace? JOEY: You know it's funny you should mention that 'cause I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes? CHANDLER: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news. EDDIE: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come by and pick up his moose hat or should I just toss it out? CHANDLER: Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie. EDDIE: Nice to meet ya. JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. [grabs moose hat] It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet? EDDIE: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo. JOEY: Wow. CHANDLER: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room. JOEY: Oh, now it's a spare room? CHANDLER: Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare. JOEY: Well I uh, got what I came for. [puts on moose hat] I'll uh, I'll see you guys. CHANDLER: Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair? EDDIE: [annoying laugh] Is this guy great or what? JOEY: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are there.] MONICA: I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy? ROSS: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him. RACHEL: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate. [Pheobe enters] PHOEBE: Hey. ALL: Hey. PHOEBE: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It's Smelly Cat the video. ALL: [cheer] PHOEBE: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. [puts the tape in] OK. [The video is a very dramatic episode with an obviously dubbed voice for Phoebe. Everyone watches in disbeliefe] PHOEBE: Oh my God. ROSS: I know. PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear. RACHEL: Pretty uhm, different huh? PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented. [Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Joey stops by. Chandler is reading the paper and Eddie is fixing eggs.] EDDIE: Hi Joey, what's goin' on man? JOEY: Eddie. CHANDLER: Morning. JOEY: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. [looks for the mail on the table by the door, it's not there] Where's the mail? CHANDLER: Oh it's uh, over there on the table. JOEY: You don't keep it over here on this table any more? CHANDLER: No, Eddie likes to keep it over there. EDDIE: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh? CHANDLER: Oh, ooh. JOEY: Huh. CHANDLER: What? JOEY: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me. CHANDLER: Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good. EDDIE: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals. CHANDLER: See ya. [Eddie leaves] JOEY: So how you two gettin' along? CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn't be happier. JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up the orange juice carton and it's empty] Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice. CHANDLER: There's another carton right over there. JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man. CHANDLER: Alright, so what's it about? JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh? CHANDLER: Well I like both eggs equally. JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which. CHANDLER: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Monica are fighting over the remote.] MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight. ROSS: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti. RACHEL: Would you guys stop. MONICA: It's my TV. ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it. MONICA: Bite me. RACHEL: Oh my God. ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel. MONICA: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me. RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy. [goes in the bathroom] MONICA: OK, what're we gonna do about this? ROSS: Well, I guess we could tape Entertainment Tonight. MONICA: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross, you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here. ROSS: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Mon, Mon, you've gone ultrasonic again, alright. MONICA: I just can't stand you being here all the time. ROSS: Why, why, why can't you stand me being here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun. MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun? ROSS: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know, I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, when we were kids. MONICA: Ross, I hated you when we were kids. ROSS: You hated me when we were kids? MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts. ROSS: Why did you hate me? MONICA: Because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way. ROSS: And that wasn't fun for you? MONICA: Duh-huh! ROSS: I can't believe you hated me. MONICA: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I have to. ROSS: Really? MONICA: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off. ROSS: I can do that. MONICA: Then I won't have to k*ll you. ROSS: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment Tonight? MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what? ROSS: What? MONICA: If you really want to watch that Serengetti thing, you can. ROSS: Ohh... OK. [changes the channel] [Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are hanging out.] [Phoebe enters] PHOEBE: Hey. ALL: Hey. PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video. ALL: No. PHOEBE: Yes. RACHEL: Well, how did you find out? PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue. MONICA: So what're you gonna do? PHOEBE: Well, I can't work with people who would do this. MONICA: Sure. PHOEBE: I mean this poor woman. ROSS: What woman? PHOEBE: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video. RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. But what about you? PHOEBE: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels. [Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.] CHANDLER: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball? EDDIE: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports. CHANDLER: [stares in disbeliefe] Yeah o-, OK, alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch. EDDIE: Y-, y-, you like that show? CHANDLER: You don't like that show? EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya know. CHANDLER: Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running. EDDIE: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while. CHANDLER: Oh o-, OK man. [Joey's place. He's watching Baywatch, lauging. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to.] [Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.] [Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.] [All by myself is playing. Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.] CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is performing Smelly Cat.] PHOEBE: [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody. ALL: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault. PHOEBE: Monica. MONICA: [sings] They won't take you to the vet. PHOEBE: Chandler. CHANDLER: [reluctantly sings] You're obviously not their favorite pet. MONICA: Joey. JOEY: [sings] It may not be a bed of roses. PHOEBE: Rachel. RACHEL: [sings] And you're no friend to those with noses. PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x17 - The One Where Eddie Moves In"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by ???. Transcribed by Josh Hodge. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone except Ross is there watching Days of Our Lives.] AMBER: Oh Drake. DR. REMORE: I'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to have the last word. [Ross enters] ROSS: I'm sorry I'm late, what happened? MONICA: We, we just wanna see the end. AMBER: I want you Drake. DR. REMORE: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way. AMBER: What? DR. REMORE: There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half- brother. [Everyone gasps. The show ends.] RACHEL: So what happens next? JOEY: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed. CHANDLER: God that is good TV. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play a game with him.] CHANDLER: Phoebs, play with meeee. PHOEBE: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation. CHANDLER: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time. PHOEBE: Why don't you play with your roommate? CHANDLER: Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball. PHOEBE: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy? CHANDLER: No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room. PHOEBE: Maybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we? CHANDLER: We don't need to remedy that. PHOEBE: Oh yeah, it'll be fun. [throws a tennis ball at Eddie's bedroom door] EDDIE: What was that? PHOEBE: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other. EDDIE: Yeah alright, that sounds alright. PHOEBE: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye. CHANDLER: That was so lame. PHOEBE: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. [leaves] CHANDLER: So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er? [Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler and Eddie are talking.] EDDIE: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who? CHANDLER: What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia. EDDIE: That's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh... CHANDLER: Well it's not Sean Penn. EDDIE: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes laughing] That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it? [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is singing. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are listening.] PHOEBE: And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it, thanks, good night. RICHARD: Phoebe's got another job, right? RACHEL: Great set tonight Phoebs. PHOEBE: I know. ROSS: Well, we should probably get going. RICHARD: Um, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in the moring. MONICA: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place. RICHARD: I don't know, I don't have my jammies. MONICA: Well, maybe you don't need them. ROSS: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen. MONICA: Shut up, I'm happy. PHOEBE: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best. RICHARD: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet. PHOEBE: Ok. RICHARD: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot. MONICA: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy. RACHEL: Phoebe's dad. [Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is there. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a tnk.] TILLY: Hi. CHANDLER: Hi. TILLY: I'm looking for Eddie Minowick. CHANDLER: Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a tnk? TILLY: Thanks. CHANDLER: Oh, oh, c'mon in. TILLY: I'm Tilly. CHANDLER: Oh. TILLY: I gather by that oh that he told you about me. CHANDLER: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul. TILLY: He's kind of intense huh? CHANDLER: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little... EDDIE: [walks around corner] A little what? CHANDLER: Bit country? C'mon in here you roomie. EDDIE: Hello Tilly. TILLY: Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tnk. EDDIE: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very thougtful. TILLY: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye. EDDIE: Bye-bye. CHANDLER: Bye. [Tilly leaves] CHANDLER: So, we gettin' a fish? EDDIE: You had sex with her didn't you? [Scene: Central Perk. Joey enters with several magazines and runs up to Phoebe.] JOEY: Phoebs, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out. PHOEBE: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's one of my favorite digests. JOEY: Page 42, page 42, page 42. PHOEBE: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture. JOEY: Ooh, I look good. PHOEBE: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines? JOEY: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.' PHOEBE: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this? JOEY: Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that? [Scene: At a writer's desk. The writer is working on a script for Days of Our Lives.] WRITER: Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerkweed. [Scene: Joey's apartment. The next script is being delivered.] JOEY: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft? DELIVERY GUY: Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts. JOEY: They can't kll me, I'm Francesca's long lost son. DELIVERY GUY: Right. Could you sign this? JOEY: No. No way, I'm not signing that. DELIVERY GUY: I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show. JOEY: How can they do this to me? DELIVERY GUY: Er, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are returning.] MONICA: Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage. RACHEL: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious. ROSS: G'night. RICHARD: Night Richard. Good luck Mon. MONICA: Alright, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with. RICHARD: Two. MONICA: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you? RICHARD: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two. MONICA: Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush my teeth. [goes in the bathroom] RICHARD: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark. MONICA: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark. [Rachel's bedroom] RACHEL: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now. ROSS: Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic number? RACHEL: Uhhhooo. ROSS: C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them. RACHEL: Well, there's you. ROSS: Better not be doin' these in order. RACHEL: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo. ROSS: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini. RACHEL: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him. ROSS: Really? RACHEL: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head. [Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.] CHANDLER: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend. EDDIE: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say. CHANDLER: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tnk, and left, end of story. EDDIE: Where's Buddy? CHANDLER: Buddy? EDDIE: My fish, Buddy. CHANDLER: There was no fish when she dropped it off. EDDIE: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then you kll my fish, my Buddy? CHANDLER: Hey I didn't kll your fish. Look Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in Monica's bedroom.] RICHARD: That's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me? MONICA: Well yeah. RICHARD: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like a fleet. MONICA: You really ok with it? RICHARD: Oh honey, I'm fine. MONICA: Oh, yay. Ok about that two. RICHARD: What? Alright, what about my two? MONICA: Well, it just seems like a really small number. RICHARD: Right, and... MONICA: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat? RICHARD: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with. MONICA: But you've only slept with two people. RICHARD: Right. MONICA: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right. RICHARD: Now I do. [they kiss and fall to the bed] [Ross and Rachel are in Rachel's bedroom] RACHEL: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh. ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes. RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was... ROSS: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex? RACHEL: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo. ROSS: Knock-knock. RACHEL: But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had. ROSS: Until now. [jumps on Rachel on the bed] [later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the drawer, Rachel runs up] RACHEL: Oh, hi. MONICA: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me. RACHEL: Oh my God, honey that's great. MONICA: I know. I just can't find... RACHEL: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry. MONICA: You need one too? RACHEL: Ooooh yeah. [they pull out the box of condoms but there's only one left] MONICA: There's only one. RICHARD: Monica. MONICA: Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just trying to decide something. [shuts the bathroom door] ROSS: [comes out of the bedroom] Rachel. [growls then sees Richard standing there] Hey. RICHARD: Hey. They're just trying to decide somehting. ROSS: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different? RICHARD: No. ROSS: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat? RICHARD: I have a little comb. ROSS: Oh. And what do you call that? RICHARD: A moustache comb. RACHEL: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month. MONICA: No. RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months. MONICA: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan. RACHEL: Agghhh. ROSS: So were you in Nam? RACHEL: Rock-paper-scissors? MONICA: Yeah. RACHEL and MONICA: One two three. [Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors] RACHEL: Yeesss. MONICA: Fine, go have sex. RICHARD: No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, no legs, John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his legs. ROSS: No, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. John Voit was... RACHEL: Honey. ROSS: What, what oh....[Ross and Rachel go into her room] RICHARD: Shall we? MONICA: It's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow. RICHARD: Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand... [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. All but Joey are present.] CHANDLER: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes. MONICA: Why? CHANDLER: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and klled his fish. PHOEBE: Why would you kll his fish? CHANDLER: Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kll the fish. RACHEL: Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please? [they turn on the TV] ROSS: Yeah. MONICA: Wait, he's not here yet. RACHEL: So, he's on the show, he knows what happens. ROSS: Yeah. MONICA: Alright. CHANDLER: Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way. RACHEL: Oh good. DR. REMORE: Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother. AMBER: Oh Drake. DR HORTON: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this. DR. REMORE: Some guys are just lucky I guess. INTERCOM: Dr. Remore, report to first floor emergency, stat. DR. REMORE: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong? DR. HORTON: No, no, they only said you. DR. REMORE: Oh, ok. Alright. AMGER: I love you Drake. DR. REMORE: Yeah, whatever. Oh no. AMBER: Drake, look out. DR. REMORE: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. MONICA: Did they just kll off Joey? ROSS: No. [sound of Dr. Remore's body hitting the bottom of the shaft] Now maybe. [Scene: Joey's apartment. Everyone is outside knocking.] ROSS: C'mon. RACHEL: Joey. ROSS: Open up. We want to talk to you. JOEY: I don't feel like talkin. RACHEL: Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you. CHANDLER: We're worried about you. MONICA: And some of us really have to pee. [Joey opens the door] MONICA: Sorry Joey [runs to the bathroom] JOEY: Hey. PHOEBE: Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks. CHANDLER: We came over as soon as we saw. ROSS: How could you not tell us? JOEY: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out. RACHEL: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back. JOEY: Naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin. PHOEBE: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera. JOEY: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. PHOEBE: Yes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say. MONICA: Um, I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice. CHANDLER: It's gonna be ok. You know that? JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life. CHANDLER: I'm sorry man. RACHEL: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us. JOEY: No, that means nothin to me. [Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.Chandler walks in to see Eddie holding a tray of cookies.] CHANDLER: Uhhhaahh. EDDIE: Pecan sandy, just made em. CHANDLER: Yeah alright. What're these, raisins? EDDIE: Uh, sure, why not. CHANDLER: [throws it across the room while Eddie's not looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling? EDDIE: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishie. I named him uh, Chandler, you know, after, after you. CHANDLER: [looks in the fish bowl to see a fish crcker] Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish crcker. EDDIE: What's you point man? CHANDLER: Ok, good night. [walks towards his room] You big freak of nature. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.] [Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.] ROSS: Hey. RICHARD: Hey. ROSS: Hey. RICHARD: Ohh, brisk tonight. ROSS: Oh man. RICHARD: Let's never speak of this. ROSS: You got it. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x18 - The One Where Dr. Remore Dies"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by . Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. [Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler is sleeping and Eddie is there watching him.] [Chandler wakes up] CHANDLER: Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin' here? EDDIE: Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep. CHANDLER: Why? EDDIE: Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please. CHANDLER: I can't sleep now. EDDIE: You want me to sing? CHANDLER: No, look, that's it, it's over, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now. EDDIE: Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man. CHANDLER: Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you. EDDIE: No. See now I don't think you're being fair. I mean one night you see me and you get scared, I mean, what about all the other nights when you don't see me, huh? What about last night when you went and got a drink of water and I was nice enough to hide behind the door, what's that about, huh? CHANDLER: I didn't realize that. EDDIE: Yeah. CHANDLER: GET OUT NOW!! EDDIE: Ok, you really want me out? CHANDLER: Yes please. EDDIE: Ok, then I want to hear you say it, I, I want to hear you say you want me out. CHANDLER: I want you out. EDDIE: No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips. CHANDLER: Where did you hear it from before? EDDIE: Oh, right, all right, you know what pallie I understand, consider me gone, you know what, I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow. [Eddie leaves the room and Chandler mouths "Thank you" to himself] EDDIE: I heard that. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there, Joey enters wearing an old looking hat.] JOEY: Hey. MONICA: Hey. RACHEL: Hey. Whe-ell, look at you, finally got that time machine workin' huh? JOEY: Seriously, you like it? This guy was sellin' them on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and I though, you know what I don't have? MONICA: A mirror? JOEY: Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty. MONICA: Wow, for a guy who's recently lost his job, you're in an awfully good mood. JOEY: Hey, I'll be alright. I mean it's not like I'm starting from sqare one. I was Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta have some kind of cache. MONICA: Cache? Jaunty? JOEY: Chandler gave me word of the day toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee. [Phoebe enters] PHOEBE: Hey. MONICA: Hey. RACHEL: Hey. PHOEBE: Oooh, so so so, did you read the book? MONICA: Oh my God, it was incredible. PHOEBE: Didn't it like totally speak to you? RACHEL: Woah, woah, woah, what book is this? MONICA: Rachel you have to read this book. It's called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's about how women need to become more empowered. PHOEBE: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it. RACHEL: Men just take out wind? PHOEBE: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers. RACHEL: Wow. PHOEBE: Yeah. RACHEL: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit. MONICA: It is nothing like the Hobbit. It's like reading about every relationship I've ever had, except for Richard. PHOEBE: Oh yes, no, Richard would never steal your wind. MONICA: No. PHOEBE: No, 'cause he's yummy. MONICA: Yes. But all the other ones. PHOEBE: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how they're always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip. JOEY: Anybody want a croan. PHOEBE: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of my fallic shaped man cakes?' [Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency.Joey is there.] ESTELLE: Don't worry about it already. Things happen. JOEY: So, you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything? ESTELLE: Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth? JOEY: No, can we get back to me? ESTELLE: Look honey, people get fired left and right in this business. I already got you an audition for Another World. JOEY: Alright. Cab driver number two? ESTELLE: You're welcome. JOEY: But I was Dr. Drake Remoray. How can I go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab? ESTELLE: Things change, roll with em. JOEY: But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this. ESTELLE: Joey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get and don't make on the floor. JOEY: I'm sorry. See ya. [Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Rachel has just finished reading the book.] RACHEL: Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so. MONICA: Isn't it. RACHEL: Uhh, I mean this is like reading about my own life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Rachel'. PHOEBE: I don't think it would have sold a million copies but it would have made a nice gift for you. ROSS: Hey you guys. MONICA: Hey. ROSS: Uh, sweetie we've gotta go. RACHEL: NO! ROSS: No? RACHEL: No, why do we always have to do everything according to your time table? ROSS: Actually it's the movie theatre that has the time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning. RACHEL: No, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind. MONICA: You go girl. I can't pull that off can I? ROSS: Excuse me, your, your, your wind? RACHEL: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow? ROSS: You, you know I, I don't, have a- have a problem with that. RACHEL: Ok, I just, I just really need to be with myself right now. I'm sorry. PHOEBE: Um-um, um-um. RACHEL: You're right, I don't have to apologize. Sorry. Damnit! [Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross enter.] JOEY: What is it? ROSS: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it. JOEY: See, this is why I don't date women who read. Uh-oh. ROSS: What, what's that? JOEY: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good. ROSS: Open it, open in. JOEY: Oh my God. ROSS: Woah. JOEY: Look at this, how did I spend so much money? ROSS: Uh Joey, that's just the minumum amount due, that's your total due. JOEY: Ahh. ROSS: What, woah, woah, $3500 at porcelain safari? JOEY: My animals. Hey the guy said they suited me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know what I'm gonna do. ROSS: Well I guess you can start by drivin a cab on Another World. JOEY: What? ROSS: That audition. JOEY: That's a two line part. ROSS: Joey, you owe $1100 at I Love Lucite. JOEY: So what. ROSS: So suck it up man, it's a job, it's money. JOEY: Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgemental and condescending and pedantic. ROSS: Toilet paper? JOEY: Yeah. ROSS: Look, I'm not being any of those things, ok, I'm just being realistic. JOEY: Well knock it off, you're supposed to be my friend. ROSS: I am your friend. JOEY: Well then tell me things like, 'Joey you'll be fine,' and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Somethin' big's fonna come along, I know it.' ROSS: But I don't know it. What I do know is that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic. JOEY: Hey Ross, I'm aware of what I owe. ROSS: Ok, well then get some sense. I mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how long it's gonna be till you get another. JOEY: Look, I don't wanna hear this right now. ROSS: Huh, I'm just saying... JOEY: Well don't just say. ROSS: Ya know, maybe, maybe I should just go. JOEY: Ok. ROSS: Ok. I'll see ya later. Just think about it, ok. JOEY: I don't need to think about it. I was Dr. Drake Remoray. That was huge. Big things are gonna happen, you'll see. Ross, you still there? [Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler peeks in the door. He doesn't see Eddie so he enters, breathing a sigh of relief. Eddie pops up from behind the bar.] EDDIE: Hey pal. CHANDLER: Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still doin' here? EDDIE: Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. MAN ALIVE this thing's fantastic! CHANDLER: Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything? EDDIE: Oh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot fiestier that the last one. CHANDLER: Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now? EDDIE: Well, not unless it's got something to do with dehydrating my man because right now I'm a dehydrating maniac! CHANDLER: Look you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time... EDDIE: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is? CHANDLER: Your last roommate's kidney? EDDIE: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display. [Scene: Central Perk. Joey goes up to the bar to order.] JOEY: Hey gn, let me get a lemonade to go. gn: Lemonade? You ok man? JOEY: Ah, it's career stuff. I don't know if you heard but they klled off my character on the show. gn: Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do it? JOEY: I fell down an elevator shaft. gn: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche. JOEY: What? gn: I used to be Bryce on All My Children. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler is sleeping on the couch. Monica walks by and starts watching him.] [Chandler wakes up] CHANDLER: Daaahhhh! MONICA: Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh! CHANDLER: Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching. MONICA: I wa- CHANDLER: Uuuh. [Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is returning from Monica and Rachel's with his bedding. Eddie is standing at the bar with his dehydrator and loads of fruit.] EDDIE: Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons. CHANDLER: Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. EDDIE: What? CHANDLER: You, move out. Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT! EDDIE: You, you want, you want me to move out? CHANDLER: Uh-huh. EDDIE: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you think? CHANDLER: This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue. EDDIE: Ohhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell me twice, you want me to go? Alright, alright, guess I'll be back for my stuff. [walks out the door and after a pause comes back in] But if you think for one second I'm leaving you alone with my fish, you're insane Jack! CHANDLER: You want some help. EDDIE: No help required Chico. [reaches into the t*nk and grabs the fish and puts it in his pocket] [Scene: Joey is at the cab driver interview.] JOEY: All the way to the airport huh? You know that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about so bucks. CASTING GUY: Excuse me, that's 50 bucks. JOEY: What? CASTING GUY: Five oh dollars. JOEY: Ohh, you know what it is? It's smudgy 'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Remoray, they'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything. CASTING GUY: That's great. JOEY: And, and just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting. CASTING GUY: Ok, listen, thanks for coming in. JOEY: No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in. Uh, at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge. You were goin' for the word bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. [gets up and leaves] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around the coffee table.] PHOEBE: Ok, question number 28, have you ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no. MONICA: And I would have to say pah-huh. PHOEBE: What? MONICA: Do you not remember the puppet guy? RACHEL: Yeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power. MONICA: And his puppet too. PHOEBE: Yeah ok, well at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date. MONICA: Who? PHOEBE: Paul. MONICA: Oh. RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, moving on, moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30. MONICA: Woah, woah, woah, let's go back to 29. RACHEL: Not uh, not to my recollection. MONICA: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me. RACHEL: Only 'cause you took up half the circle. PHOEBE: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone. RACHEL: Well not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica. MONICA: One hour? You are such a leaf blower. [Monica goes into her room and slams the door. Rachel does the same. Phoebe, without a door to slam, opens a small chest and slams the lid.] [Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is watching movers take all his stuff away.] JOEY: Oh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D last supper, Judas is a little loose. ROSS: [enters] Oh my God, what's goin' on? JOEY: They're takin all my stuff back. I guess you were right. ROSS: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff. Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know. To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from buy you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Joey. JOEY: Thanks Ross. ROSS: Yeah. And you should hold out for something bigger. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you not going to that stupid cab driver audition. JOEY: I went. ROSS: Great, how did it go? JOEY: I didn't get it. ROSS: Good for you. JOEY: What? ROSS: You're livin' the dream. JOEY: Huh? ROSS: All right then. JOEY: [movers removing a glass parrot] Oh, not my parrot. ROSS: What? JOEY: I can't watch this. ROSS: [approaching the mover holding the parrot] Hey hold on, hold on. How much for the uh, how much to save the bird? MOVER: 1200. ROSS: Dollars? You spent $1200 dollars on a plastic bird? JOEY: Uhhh, I was an impulse buyer, near the register. ROSS: Go ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do you have anything for around 200? MOVER: Uh, the dog. [points to a big poecelain greyhound] ROSS: Huh. MOVER: Yeah. ROSS: I'll take it. My gift to you man. JOEY: Thanks Ross. I really like that bird though...I'll take the dog though. [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting ignoring each other. Rachel walks up with two pieces of cake.] RACHEL: Here are your cakes. MONICA: We didn't order cake. RACHEL: No, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind without taking it from each other. MONICA: You're right. RACHEL: You know. PHOEBE: I love you goddesses. I don't ever want to suck your wind again. RACHEL: Thank you. So are we good? MONICA: We're good. RACHEL: We're good? PHOEBE: Yeah. RACHEL: Ok, let me take these cakes back 'cause they're gonna take that out of my paycheck. CHANDLER: [enters] Ding dong, the psycho's gone. MONICA: Are you sure this time? CHANDLER: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD! EDDIE: [enters] Check it out man, I tore it off some mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's. MONICA: There is no alley behind Macy's. EDDIE: So I got it in the junior miss department, big diff. Anyway check it out man, it's gonna make a hell of a conversation piece at out next cocktail party, huh pal? CHANDLER: Our next cocktail party? EDDIE: Yeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll make like a chip chick. CHANDLER: Eddie, do you remember yesterday? EDDIE: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it. CHANDLER: Do you remember talking to me yesterday? EDDIE: Uh, yes. CHANDLER: So what happened? EDDIE: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man. CHANDLER: Oh sweet Moses. MONICA: So on this road trip, did you guys win any money? EDDIE: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh? MONICA: Nice. EDDIE: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals. PHOEBE: Is anyone else starting to really like him? [Scene: Hallway outside Chandler and Joey's apartment. Eddie walks up.] [Eddie tries his key and it won't work. He knocks and Chandler answers the door. He's got the door chained.] CHANDLER: May I help you? EDDIE: Why doesn't my key work and what's all my stuff doin' downstairs? CHANDLER: Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Eddie forces his head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met? EDDIE: It's Eddie you freak, your roommate. CHANDLER: I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the door and opens it all the way] I already have a roommate. [Joey turns around in the leather recliner] JOEY: Hello. CHANDLER: Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man. EDDIE: No he, he moved out and I moved in. CHANDLER: Well I, I think we'd remember something like that. JOEY: I know I would. EDDIE: Well that's uh, that's a good point. Um ok, well, uh, I guess I got the wrong apartment then. I, I'm, look, I'm, ya know, I'm sorry, I'm terriably sorry. JOEY: Hey no problem. CHANDLER: See ya. [shuts the door] Goodbuy you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack your stuff? JOEY: Na, na I'm ok. Oh and uh, just so you know, I'm not movin' back in 'cause I have to. Well, I mean, I do have to. It's just that that place wasn't really, I mean, this is... CHANDLER: Welcome home man. [they hug and jump around] JOEY: A little foos? CHANDLER: Absolutely. JOEY: What happened to the foosball? CHANDLER: Ah that's a cantelope. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are hauling out the porcelain dog from Joey's room. Chandler is holding the dog by the rear in a rather interesting position.] CHANDLER: Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over? JOEY: He paid a lot of money for it. CHANDLER: I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place? JOEY: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin' over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky. CHANDLER: So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x19 - The One Where Eddie Won't Go"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by . Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe enters to see Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel tearfully watching TV.] PHOEBE: Hey. Watcha guys doin? RICHARD: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller. PHOEBE: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie. RACHEL: What? ROSS: What're you talkin' about? PHOEBE: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun. ROSS: Yeah but Phoebs, what about the end? PHOEBE: What when Yeller saves saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy? RACHEL: That's not the end. PHOEBE: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'. MONICA: What about the part where he has rabies? PHOEBE: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said. RICHARD: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen. PHOEBE: What, what's about to happen? [starts watching] I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gn? Oh no, no no Travis, put down the gn. No no no no, he he's your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, THE END. [hear the gn from the TV] [Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard is on the balcony smoking and Monica is on the phone.] MONICA: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves. [Chandler and Joey come sprinting in] JOEY: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over. MONICA: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing. CHANDLER: Well, how do you find clothes that fit? JOEY: Oh, hey, Monica, we've got a question. MONICA: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't look. JOEY: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket. CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?' MONICA: Ok. [Richard walks in] Hey, why don't you ask Richard? JOEY: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick? RICHARD: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan. CHANDLER: Ok, that's Eric. RICHARD: Glad to be of help. Matches. [walks out to the balcony] MONICA: I meant, why don't you take Richard to the game? What? JOEY: I don't know. MONICA: C'mon. Keeps his fingers to himself and he's always minty fresh. CHANDLER: I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old [Monica gives him a glare] -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings. MONICA: So what, he's a little older, big deal, I mean he's important to me. Ya know if you ask him, he might take you on his Jag. [walks off] JOEY: How do we say yes now and make it seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool car? CHANDLER: Ok, this could be tough. JOEY: [Monica walks back in the kitchen] Ok ok ok ok. Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar. CHANDLER: Ooh, you almost had it. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is holding Ben.] ROSS: [smells Ben's butt] No no, you're fine, you're fine. CAROL: [enters with Susan] Hello ROSS: Hi. SUSAN: Hey. CAROL: Hi honey. ROSS: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what happened. CAROL: What? SUSAN: What? ROSS: Ok, we were sitting over there playing on the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulled himself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so it you guys want to see it. CAROL: Uhh, we know, he already did it last week. SUSAN: You can watch our tape if you want. ROSS: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquour? CAROL: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said yumen. ROSS: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like- CAROL and SUSAN: Great. That would be fine. ROSS: Really? I mean, I, I had a whole speach prepared. SUSAN: Oh shout, that would have been fun. ROSS: Oh look, did, did you just see that? Did you see? He just waved, he just waved, he's never waved before, you've never waved before. Yes he has. Very good. [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there. Phoebe enters carrying video tapes.] PHOEBE: Hey. RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, whatcha got there? PHOEBE: Ok, Love Story, Brian's Song, and Terms of Endearment. MONICA: Wow, all you need now is The klling Fields and some guacamole and you've got yourself a part-ay. PHOEBE: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she klled herself. [Chandler and Joey enter] CHANDLER: Hey. JOEY: Hey. RACHEL: Hey. MONICA: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him? JOEY: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car. MONICA: So'd you guys have fun? CHANDLER: Your boyfriend is so cool. MONICA: Really? CHANDLER: Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15. RACHEL: Wow, he must like you the best. JOEY: Oh, what about that thing he did when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never even saw the money, it was like this. [With money in his palm] Hey Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats [shakes his had and passes the dollar]. CHANDLER: You're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for parking the car [passes the dollar back]. JOEY: No problem. Hey Chandler CHANDLER: I think they get it. JOEY: Ok. [Richard enters] CHANDLER: There's the man. JOEY: He-he-eyy. [Shakes his had and passes the dollar] RICHARD: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna keep this by the way. JOEY: Ok. He kept my dollar. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben.] MONICA: So your first whole weekend without Ben, what're you guys gonna do? CAROL: Uh, we're going down to Colonial Williamsburg. SUSAN: Yeah, a woman I went to college with just became the first female blacksmith down there. ROSS: Well, ya know, they're a little behind the times in Colonial Williamsburg. CAROL: Think I better go before mommy starts weeping. ROSS: Buy mommy. CAROL and SUSAN: We love you. Buy. ROSS: Have a good time. Ok, Ben. MONICA: Ross. ROSS: Yeah. MONICA: Look. [they look at Joey in the kitchen with a cigar in his mouth, looking at his reflection in a spatula] Joey, do you know we can see you from here? JOEY: How come Richard looks so much cooler with one of these than me? ROSS: Well for starters, you may want to light it and lose the spatula. MONICA: You know what, I think it's cute, you trying to be more like Richard. JOEY: Not like him, per-se, just not un-like him. [Chandler enters with his hair full of mousse and a cheesy moustache] ROSS: Look it's the artist formerly known as Chandler. CHANDLER: Just tryin' somethin' here, ya know. MONICA: So Joey, why didn't you grow a moustache? JOEY: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look like dorks. ROSS: Yeah, you really sidestepped that land mine. CHANDLER: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs. MONICA: You're meeting Richard? JOEY: Yeah, we're goin' to a Ranger game. CHANDLER: Yeah, didn't he tell ya? MONICA: Well, he told me he was going out with the guys, I just didn't know that you were the guys. CHANDLER: You hear that? We're the guys. JOEY: We're the guys. MONICA: With that moustache doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia? ROSS: Thank you. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working. Ross enters with Ben.] ROSS: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your momies you said it anyway so you might as well try. RACHEL: No luck huh? ROSS: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take this off. RACHEL: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. [she takes Ben and holds him at arms length] ROSS: What're you doing? RACHEL: Uh, I'm holding Ben. ROSS: Yeah, well, he's a baby not a bmb. RACHEL: Ok. ROSS: Well just hold him like you'd hold a football. RACHEL: This is how I would hold a football. ROSS: Ok, here, here. There we go. RACHEL: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I mean, you know, since I was one. ROSS: It's alright, it's no big deal. RACHEL: Really? ROSS: Yeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel totally different when it's our baby. RACHEL: What? ROSS: What? RACHEL: You think about stuff like that? ROSS: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies. RACHEL: Two, two babies? ROSS: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive. RACHEL: Then what's gonna happen? ROSS: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale. RACHEL: Uh-huh. ROSS: Yeah, that way I figure, ya know, we'll be far enough away from our parents that we don't have to see them all the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever we want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher than, let's say, Nassau county but the school system's supposedly great. RACHEL: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok, wow, you know what. ROSS: Huh? RACHEL: I'm off my break now so uh, um here you take this [hands back Ben] and um, I am gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door? [leaves] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are there. Phoebe enters.] PHOEBE: Hey. RICHARD: Hey Phoebs, what's happening? PHOEBE: Oh, ok, mrder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes. MONICA: So you watched the movies huh? PHOEBE: Uh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies. RICHARD: Charlotte who? PHOEBE: With the web, the spider she dies, she does. She has babies and dies. It's like ya know, hey welcome home from the hospital, thud. MONICA: Alright, you wanna feel better? PHOEBE: Yeah. MONICA: Ok, here, watch this. PHOEBE: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes I've heard of this. MONICA: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfullness is baked right in. PHOEBE: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease. RICHARD: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming? PHOEBE: Phoebe, just watch that, I promise it will resotre all your faith in humanity. CHANDLER: [runs in] Hey, big guy, game time. RICHARD: Hey, be right there. MONICA: There's a game? CHANDLER: Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel. RICHARD: It's the basketball playoffs. MONICA: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, they have each other. RICHARD: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends, they don't start sentences with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?' MONICA: Alright that's great, then just go. Go Knicks. RICHARD: Uh, it's the college playoffs. MONICA: Oh, then go Vassar. RICHARD: Uh, they're not in it. MONICA: Ok, then just go. RICHARD: Ok. [leaves] MONICA: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them. PHOEBE: Sure. MONICA: It's just that he doesn't have that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do? PHOEBE: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off. RACHEL: [enters] Aghh. PHOEBE: Me too. [leaves] MONICA: I've got a question. Richard made plans again with the guys. RACHEL: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole century. MONICA: Ya know what, I think I'm gonna go to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there. Know what, at least maybe I can learn how to do an at home bikini wax with leftover Cristmas candles. ROSS: [enters] Ok, what the hell happened back there? RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes. ROSS: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders. RACHEL: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks. ROSS: C'mon, what, you never think about our future? RACHEL: Yes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our childrens' names are gonna be. You know what our childrens names are gonna be. ROSS: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good. RACHEL: What was the book? ROSS: The big book of childrens' names. RACHEL: Ok, Ross, Ross, ok listen, what we have is amazing. ROSS: Yeah. RACHEL: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I had with Barry, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be with me you are gonna have to deal with that. ROSS: Ok fine. RACHEL: Thank you. ROSS: We're not done. RACHEL: I didn't know that. ROSS: Ok, then you're gonna have to understand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that. RACHEL: Fine, I will. ROSS: Good, 'cause I love you. RACHEL: Oh yeah. ROSS: Yeah. RACHEL: Well I love you too. ROSS: Well that's the first time we've said that. RACHEL: Yes it is. ROSS: Well, I'm gonna kiss you. RACHEL: Well you better. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen, Phoebe enters.] PHOEBE: Hey. Oh thanks for the great movie tip. MONICA: Did you like it? PHOEBE: Oh yeah. You know, I don't know if I was happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family business or um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed. MONICA: Alright, I'll give you the ear thing but don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful? PHOEBE: I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does." [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing Richard at foosball.] CHANDLER: Kick save and... denied. RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that sht BE any prettier? JOEY: Man you are incredible. RICHARD: Well, we had a table in college. CHANDLER: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's. RICHARD: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in. MONICA: [enters] Honey. Uh, not to sound too Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table. RICHARD: Ok, just one more point. MONICA: [grabs the other two bars on Richard's side and scores] Score! Now can we go? CHANDLER: See, that's why we don't let her play. RICHARD: Is everything all right? MONICA: Um-hmm. RICHARD: Uh-oh. CHANDLER: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time. JOEY: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with. RICHARD: Well. JOEY: No no, seriously, Chandler and I were just talkin about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. [Chandler starts kicking him below the table] I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, ya know, but Richard is just- ow, ow. What are you kickin me for? Huh? I'm tryin to talk here. RICHARD: Uh, you guys see me as a dad? JOEY: Oh yeah. CHANDLER: No. JOEY: Nooooo. CHANDLER: Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal. RICHARD: Uh-huh, yeah. CHANDLER: No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work. RICHARD: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around. MONICA: Nighty-nite. CHANDLER: You're not a dad. You're not a dad. JOEY: Not a dad. CHANDLER: I can't believe you got us into trouble. [slaps Joey on the arm. Joey takes exception and slaps him back] MONICA: [her and Richard return to her place] So are you ok? RICHARD: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys. MONICA: Come here. I'll make you feel like one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you suck at foosball. RICHARD: What're you talkin' about, I was killin' 'em. MONICA: Yeah, well they suck too. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel is changing Ben's diaper under Ross's supervision.] ROSS: Ok, and then you take the poopie diaper and you put it in the poopie diaper pail. RACHEL: Ok Ross, just so you know, calling it a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter. ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] Hello. CAROL: It's us. ROSS: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. [walks in his room] RACHEL: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. [finishes the diaper] There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi. BEN: Hi. RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'. ROSS: Wha, what? RACHEL: Ben just said hi. ROSS: What, the word hi? RACHEL: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi. ROSS: Great, great, and I miss that too, I miss everything. RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I just bring it out in him. CAROL and SUSAN: Hello. RACHEL: Guess what. Ben just said his first word. CAROL: What did he say? ROSS: Something about hi. SUSAN: That's so exciting. CAROL: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi. RACHEL: You know, actually it's more like, hi. CAROL: Hi. RACHEL: Hi. CAROL: Hi. RACHEL: Hi. CAROL: Hi. RACHEL: Hi. CAROL: Hi. SUSAN: Ok, this could go on for a while. CAROL: We've got a cab waiting downstairs. ROSS: Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it again sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright so I've got him. CAROL: Tuesday. ROSS: Tuesday right. Ok, bye you guys. RACHEL: Take care. ROSS: Bye Ben. BEN: Bye. RACHEL: Did, did he just, did he, did he just say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You said bye to me. SUSAN: Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to college. CAROL: We've gotta go, we've got that cab waiting. ROSS: Alright, alright, ok. Bye. BEN: Bye. ROSS: Bye. BEN: Bye. ROSS: Bye. BEN: Bye. ROSS: Bye. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is watching Bert and Ernie with Ben.] ERNIE: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here. Hey. PHOEBE: [pauses the tape] Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again] ERNIE: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost. PHOEBE: Oh, I'm so glad you're here. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x20 - The One Where Old Yeller Dies"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Sebastian Jones and Brian Buckner. Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is there. Monica is watching stock prices on a business channel.] JOEY: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel? MONICA: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting. RACHEL: Ok honey, you really need a job. ROSS: Mon, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview. MONICA: Really. PHOEBE: Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there. ROSS: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh. PHOEBE: No, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name. EVERYONE: Ahh. PHOEBE: And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken. MONICA: His indian name? PHOEBE: No because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so. ROSS: Freakish. MONICA: Wow. JOEY: Freaky. MONICA: Weird, weird. RACHEL: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger? PHOEBE: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him. MONICA: Why? PHOEBE: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross enter in sweats carrying rackets.] CHANDLER: Man, I am so bat. ROSS: Oh yeah. CHANDLER: Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here? ROSS: Yeah alright. [they sit at the couch] BIG BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey you're in our seats. ROSS: Oh, sorry we didn't know. LITTLE BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey, we were sitting there. CHANDLER: Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it? LITTLE BULLY: Is that supposed to be funny? CHANDLER: No actually, I was just going for colorful. BIG BULLY: What's with this guy? LITTLE BULLY: What's with you? ROSS: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee. [as they're walking off, little bully grabs Chandlers hat from behind and puts it on himself] CHANDLER: What just happened? LITTLE BULLY: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat. CHANDLER: That, that is funny. Can I have it back? LITTLE BULLY: No. CHANDLER: No? BIG BULLY: No. ROSS: Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give him back the hat. BIG BULLY: Why should we? ROSS: Because it's a special hat. [Chandler looks at Ross funny] See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler... CHANDLER: Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat? BIG BULLY: You got a problem with that? CHANDLER: No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting there and Monica walks in.] RACHEL: Hey, how'd the interview go? MONICA: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries? RACHEL: So don't do it. MONICA: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank. JOEY: Monica, relax, go get a beer. MONICA: I don't want a beer. JOEY: Who said it was for you? ROSS and CHANDLER: [both enter looking down] Hhhiiii. RACHEL: What's the matter with you? CHANDLER: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat. RACHEL: Noo. JOEY: You're kiddin'. ROSS: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore. RACHEL: Oohhh. ROSS: Hi. RACHEL: Hi. [Ross turns to Rachel and they hug] CHANDLER: Ohhh [turns as if to hug someone] Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one. JOEY: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get your hat back. CHANDLER: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now. MONICA: [seeing TV] Hey, I went up. RACHEL: What? MONICA: My stock, MEG, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it. JOEY: Do what? MONICA: Put all my money in me. RACHEL: Monica, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market. MONICA: What's to know? Buy sell, high low, bears bulls...[on the phone] Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...selling store. [Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe pulls up in the cab with Rachel and Joey in the back.] [Phoebe slams on the breaks. Joey and Rachel are thrown forward into the pillows in their laps.] JOEY: See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a good idea? PHOEBE: Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'. RACHEL: We love you, we're here for you. JOEY: Yeah good luck, good luck. PHOEBE: Thanks. [gets out of the cab] JOEY: Hey Rach, you uh, you want some sandwich? RACHEL: Ohh, what is in that? JOEY: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo. RACHEL: No no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross. PHOEBE: [a little dog starts attacking her leg] Hey, hey, no, oh oh. RACHEL: Run Phoebe run. PHOEBE: No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so wanna love all animals, please no. JOEY: Get him a bone, get a bone. You gotta bone? RACHEL: Are you kidding me? PHOEBE: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap. [Flings the dog off and jumps in the cab. The dog keeps jumping up to the window.] Ok, alright, we have a problem. JOEY: Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline. RACHEL: Ok, here, I know what we can do. [grabs Joey's sadwich and throws it out the window] JOEY: Hey, hey, hey no. RACHEL: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. [dog ignores the sandwich] Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say? JOEY: Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will. PHOEBE: Are you crazy? JOEY: Phoebs, he's just a little dog. [turns back to the car window and the dog is halfway through it.] Ahhh. [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting at the couch.] CHANDLER: Hey. ROSS: What? CHANDLER: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets? ROSS: Do you say this stuff to girls? BIG BULLY: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat? LITTLE BULLY: And look where they're sitting. ROSS: You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door. BIG BULLY: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough. LITTLE BULLY: Yeah. BIG BULLY: This couch belongs to us. CHANDLER: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to. BIG BULLY: You know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here. ROSS: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. gn, these guys are trying to take our seat. gn: Fellas, these guys were here first. BIG BULLY: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize. LITTLE BULLY: Sorry. gn: There you go. ROSS: Thank you gn. We didn't want to have to go and do that. LITTLE BULLY: He told on us? BIG BULLY: You told on us? ROSS: Well pal, you didn't give me much of a choice. [flicks the ends of the big bully's tie] CHANDLER: Don't play with his things. ROSS: I know. BIG BULLY: Alright, let's take this outside. ROSS: Let's, let's take this outside? Who talks like that? BIG BULLY: The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like that. CHANDLER: You had to ask. ROSS: Yeah. [the bullies grab the back of the couch that Ross and Chandler are sitting in and tip back] ROSS: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys. LITTLE BULLY: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again. CHANDLER: I think you played the gn card too soon. [Scene: Back in the cab in front of Phoebe's dad's house.] JOEY: Hey Phoeb's, I think you're good to go. PHOEBE: Yeah, I don't know. RACHEL: What's the matter? PHOEBE: I just think that this was a really bad sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I mean except for my grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like just right. RACHEL: Yeah Phoebe, I completely understand. JOEY: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go home? PHOEBE: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again [She starts the cab and pulls forward. We hear a squish and a dog yelp.] PHOEBE: [innocently] What was that? JOEY: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey is eating breakfast, Rachel has just gotten up, and Monica is on the phone.] MONICA: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo. RACHEL: Time is money my friend? JOEY: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your wall street butt.' MONICA: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done? JOEY: Well uh, I had breakfast here so technically I saved $3.50. RACHEL: How did you make $17. MONICA: Well, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY. JOEY: How come those? MONICA: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy. RACHEL: What happened to uh, MEG.? MONICA: MEG was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down. JOEY: That is so not my motto. PHOEBE: [enters] Hey. RACHEL: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how's the dog? PHOEBE: Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow. JOEY: Good. RACHEL: Oh, thank God. PHOEBE: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping. RACHEL: Ok, so Phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok? PHOEBE: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.' JOEY: Hey Phoebs, if you want, I'll do it. PHOEBE: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok. [goes over and grabs the phone that's sitting by Monica] MONICA: DON'T...be too long with the phone. RACHEL: She'll be a much better friend when the market closes. JOEY: [dials the phone] It's a woman. PHOEBE: So talk to her. JOEY: [in a fake voice] Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. [hangs up] RACHEL: Why the voice. JOEY: [in the voice] Hard to say. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is sitting at the bar, Chandler serves up two mugs of hot water.] CHANDLER: Your cappucino sir. ROSS: Thank you. [they both pour in packets of cappucino mix] CHANDLER: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house. ROSS: Absolutely. [they both stir thier coffee and proceed to stare into the mugs] ROSS: How come it's not mixing with the water? CHANDLER:Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle. [they both try to drink while continuously stirring] JOEY: [walks out of his room] Hey, this is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from my neice's christening, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee alright. No problem, Joey's there. CHANDLER: Ok. ROSS: No. CHANDLER: No? ROSS: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys. CHANDLER: Alright, hang on a second there Custer. JOEY: Yeah really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before? ROSS: Yeah, sure. JOEY: By someone besides Monica? ROSS: No. So what. So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin'. CHANDLER: Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back. [Scene: Outside Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is returning.] MONICA: [Opens the door] I need to borrow a hundred bucks. RACHEL: What? MONICA: Hi, welcome home. [pulls Rachel inside] I need to borrow a hundred bucks. RACHEL: For what? MONICA: I've gotta get back in the game. RACHEL: Why, when did you get out of the game? MONICA: I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it. RACHEL: Oh no. MONICA: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too. RACHEL: Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry. MONICA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks? RACHEL: I, I don't have it. MONICA: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retrd boobs. RACHEL: Nobody does honey. [Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is returning the dog who is bandaged up and has a plastic cone around it's neck.] PHOEBE: Hi. MRS BUFFAY: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell happened to my dog? PHOEBE: It was an accident, and, and the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a vegetarian. MRS BUFFAY: What are these, stitches? PHOEBE: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him. You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long 'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast. MRS BUFFAY: Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him. PHOEBE: Sure, oh, is, is Frank home. MRS BUFFAY: How do you know Frank? PHOEBE: Just from a, from a long time ago. Is he here? MRS BUFFAY: Yeah. Frank. FRANK: Yeah. What? [a young guy comes around the corner] PHOEBE: Oh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior. MRS BUFFAY: He went out for groceries. PHOEBE: Ok so will he be back soon? MRS BUFFAY: Well he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minute now. PHOEBE: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry about the dog, everything. I'm sorry. [she turns to leave, Frank follows] FRANK: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad? PHOEBE: Um well I don't really. Just genetically. He's kinda my dad too. FRANK: Heavy. PHOEBE: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe? FRANK: No but he didn't really talk about anything. PHOEBE: Oh. FRANK: Except stilts. PHOEBE: Stilts? FRANK: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts. PHOEBE: Wow. FRANK: Yeah. PHOEBE: I don't know what to do with that. FRANK: Me neither. So you're like my big sister. PHOEBE: Yeah. FRANK: This is huge, you can buy me beer. PHOEBE: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.' FRANK: I gotta friend named Mark. PHOEBE: That'll work too. FRANK: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I could give you a call sometime, we could talk or somethin'. PHOEBE: Yeah, that'd be ok. FRANK: Alright. PHOEBE: Ok, I'm in the book. FRANK: Ok, yeah. PHOEBE: Alright. So um, stilts huh? FRANK: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show you where he ht his head on the rain gutter. PHOEBE: Ok. [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch nervously.] ROSS: Well we did it, we're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take? CHANDLER: Would you come on! Come on! [waitress brings their coffee] Thank you. [They rush to put the cream and sugar in their cups and gulp down a few drinks] CHANDLER: Ah, there we go. ROSS: I think we proved our point. CHANDLER: You burn your mouth? ROSS: Cannot feel my tounge. [They leave. As they're walking out, the bullies are walking in.] CHANDLER: Bullies, big bullies. LITTLE BULLY: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies. BIG BULLY: Did we not make ourselves clear the other day. ROSS: Yes, and that's why we're here. CHANDLER: Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently. LITTLE BULLY: Let's do this alright. ROSS: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya got there, a wapon? LITTLE BULLY: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it on your ribs. CHANDLER: Alright, let's do this. LITTLE BULLY: Alright. [they all put up their fists and prepare to fight] CHANDLER: Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a wapon? ROSS: Whad'ya mean? CHANDLER: Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it. BIG BULLY: No, you can't use your watch. CHANDLER: Ok. [reaches in his pocket] BIG BULLY: Or your keys. CHANDLER: Ok. LITTLE BULLY: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. [they all put their keys and watches in the hat and put it on a mail box] Alright, c'mon man, let's do this. [they all jump in the street and prepare to fight] ROSS: Before I forget, are we hitting faces? BIG BULLY: Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you h*t faces? ROSS: Well because I have to work on Monday, I have a big presentation. LITTLE BULLY: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea. BIG BULLY: Ok, nothing from the neck up. [everyone gets ready for the fight] Or the waist down. Dana's ovulating. LITTLE BULLY: Oh really, you guys tryin' again? BIG BULLY: Yeah. CHANDLER: Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle? BIG BULLY: C'MON! ROSS: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh. CHANDLER: Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff! [some guy runs off with the hat] ROSS: Hey. BIG BULLY: Hey. [they all run off after the guy] [Scene: Central Perk. The four guys are returning after getting the hat back.] ROSS: God, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt. LITTLE BULLY: Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy. ROSS: Yeah he was wasn't he. CHANDLER: Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything. BIG BULLY: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girls jump-rope. ROSS: So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here? LITTLE BULLY: We're ok. ROSS: Alright. CHANDLER: Ok so, can I have my hat back? LITTLE BULLY: No. CHANDLER: Huh. [reaches over and grabs the hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls behind the couch] CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: The 50's theme cafe. Monica is working the grill, the rest are at a table.] RACHEL: Look at her. CHANDLER: Hi Monica. JOEY: He-he-he, how's it goin'? PHOEBE: Hey nice boobs. CHANDLER: Guys guys, check this out. [Chandler puts a coin in the mini jukebox at the table. YMCA starts playing and Monica and the rest of the staff have to get on the counter and start singing along and dancing. After a couple of couruses, Chandler pulls out a handful of coins and drops them on the table.] JOEY: Excellent. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x21 - The One With the Two Bullies"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Alexa Junge. Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. [Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.] MONICA: So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon. ALL: Ohhh. MONICA: What? ROSS: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things? MONICA: You wanna be in charge of the food committee? ROSS: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees? JOEY: Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun? ROSS: Yeah. PHOEBE: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are. MONICA: Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want. [Joey is staring at Monica's breasts] MONICA: Joey they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See [squeezes her breast] honk honk. CHANDLER: Wow, it's, it's like prn for clowns. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's birthday party.] ROSS: I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them can come. MONICA: Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper. JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper. PHOEBE: Why not her? JOEY: Cause she uh, she steals stuff. CHANDLER: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back. MONICA: Joey that is horriable. JOEY: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I didn't know. JOEY: I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok. [Rachel enters] ROSS: Hi honey, how did it go? RACHEL: Agh, it was the graduation from hell. CHANDLER: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship. RACHEL: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island would do for a Celica. MONICA: So what happened? RACHEL: My parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours. PHOEBE: Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents. MONICA: Well, how bout just her mom? CHANDLER: Why her mom? MONICA: Cause I already invited her. PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth? JOEY: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are setting up for the party.] PHOEBE: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake? MONICA: Ok, we're not having birthday cake, we're having birthday flan. CHANDLER: Excuse me? MONICA: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert. JOEY: Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel, here's some goo. [knock at the door] MONICA: [answers the door] Dr. Greene. Oh my God it's Rachel's dad. What're you doing here? MR. GREENE: What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday? MONICA: No no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye. MR. GREENE: Ohhh, you're having a parteee. MONICA: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey. MR. GREENE: I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it? CHANDLER: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir? [knock at the door, Monica answers to see Mrs. Greene] MRS. GREENE: Hi Monica. [Monica slams the door back shut] MONICA: Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus. CHANDLER: So, basically just a Chinese guy. JOEY: Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed. MR. GREENE: Alright, that sounds like a two person job. [they walk into Rachel's bedroom] MRS. GREENE: Well, my goodness, what was that? MONICA: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet. MRS. GREENE: You thought I was Rachel? CHANDLER: Yes because uh, you look so young. PHOEBE: And because you're both, you know, white women. MRS. GREENE: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom? CHANDLER: NO! No, I'll take that for ya. MRS. GREENE: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. [Chandler takes the hot pink coat and grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Chandler, remembering that Joey and Mr. Greene are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard] The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...[Joey peeks out] PHOEBE: [cutting Mrs. Greene off] Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. [they go in the bathroom] MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do? JOEY: [peeks back out] Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-, [sees that the coast is clear] oh, ok we can come back out in the living room. MONICA: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place. CHANDLER: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again? MONICA: Because that's where the party is you goon. See this is just the staging area. JOEY: Right this is staging. CHANDLER: Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area. JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door] This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall] [Scene: Later on in the hallway between the apartments. Chandler is showing people to the parties.] CHANDLER: Alright you guys are off to party number one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment] and you, you are off to party number two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's apartment] Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin. MONICA: Chandler could you at least send some women to my party? [buzzer goes off] Alright that's Ross. CHANDLER: Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment] RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner. ROSS: Thanks for being born. RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings, they're perfect. I love you. ROSS: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok. RACHEL: Now I love you even more. [they kiss and Ross backs her into her apartment and turns on the lights] ALL: Surprise. RACHEL: Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my god. Mom. This is so great. MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie. RACHEL: Wow you, you. I had no idea. ROSS: Really? RACHEL: No, I knew. ROSS: All right. MONICA: Ok, everybody, there's food and drinks on the table. Go across the hall. ROSS: What? RACHEL: What? MONICA: Right now, Joey and Chandler's, go now. RACHEL: Why. MONICA: Just go. [they walk across the hall] ALL: Surprise. MR. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetpea. RACHEL: Daddy. [Ad break. Time lapse. Still at party at Chandler and Joey's. Rachel is talking to Chandler and Ross.] RACHEL: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here? CHANDLER: Well, we could count again. RACHEL: I can't believe this is happening. ROSS: You know what, this is ridiculous, ok. This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put 'em all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares. RACHEL: I do. ROSS: That's who. CHANDLER: Look, are you gonna be ok? RACHEL: Well, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes. CHANDLER: Well, actually just one birthday flan. RACHEL: What? CHANDLER: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee. [Time lapse. Chandler runs out of the bathroom.] CHANDLER: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party. JOEY: Quick volleyball question. CHANDLER: Volleyball. JOEY: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you? CHANDLER: Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you. GIRL'S VOICE: Dennis. CHANDLER: Ok, that's me. [runs back] RACHEL: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while. ROSS: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers? RACHEL: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok. [Back in Monica's party] MONICA: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out. [Back in Chandler and Joey's party] ROSS: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery....game? MR. GREENE: It's not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today. ROSS: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dad. [Back in Monica's party] MONICA: Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. [she demonstrates, gn starts to walk to the door] gn, where're you going? gn: I um, was sorta thinking about maybe... MONICA: No. No you can't go. No this is fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker. PHOEBE: Listen if you wanna go, just go. gn: No, she'll yell at me again. PHOEBE: Alright, I can get you out. gn: What? PHOEBE: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back. [Back at Chandler and Joey's party] MR. GREENE: I think I need a drink. ROSS: Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya want? MR. GREENE: Scotch. ROSS: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass. MR. GREENE: Neat. ROSS: Cool. MR. GREENE: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks. ROSS: I know. [Back at Monica's party] MR. GREENE: Oh hello Ross, where have you been? ROSS: Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse. MRS. GREENE: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Rachel's father's drink. ROSS: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would you excuse me? [walks out in the hallway, Mr. Greene is walking out of Chandler and Joey's apartment] Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off to mister? MR. GREENE: I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket. ROSS: No. no. MR. GREENE: Whad'ya mean no? ROSS: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir. MR. GREENE: Get my glasses too. ROSS: All righty roo. [closes the door] What a great moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get the cigarettes and glasses] MONICA: Ok, the first person's most embarassing memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Very funny. PHOEBE: Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a coaster? MONICA: What? [she runs over to where Phoebe is, Phoebe signals for gn to go] I don't see anything. PHOEBE: Great, I'm seeing water rings again. MRS. GELLER: Ross, whose glasses are those? ROSS: Mine. MRS. GREENE: You wear bi-focals? ROSS: Um-hmm. [puts them on] I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals. MRS. GREENE: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that? RACHEL: Well those are very popular frames. ROSS: Neil Sedaka wears them. GUY: [to Phoebe] I hear you can get people out of here. MRS. GREENE: Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked. RACHEL: Yeah, like a chimney. ROSS: Ohh, big smoker. [Packs the cigarettes and flings one on Mrs. Greene in the process. Finally gets one in his mouth and it look really out of place] Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go ou into the hallway and fre up this bad boy. [as he walks into the hall, he comes face to face with Mr. Greene] MR. GREENE: Are you wearing my glasses? ROSS: Yes. [pulls them off and hands them to Mr. Greene] I was just warming up the earpieces for you. MR. GREENE: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes? ROSS: [pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and hands it to Mr. Greene] Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip. [Back in Monica's party. Phoebe is talking to a guy and two girls at the party.] PHOEBE: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute. GIRL 1: What about my friend Victor? PHOEBE: No, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious. GIRL 1: Alright, let me just get my coat. PHOEBE: There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door. GIRL 1: Is it true they have beer? PHOEBE: Everything you've heard is true. [Back at Chandler and Joey's party. Everyone is dancing and having fun.] MONICA: Could you guys please try to keep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament. [Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at her] MONICA: You, and you, you're supposed to be at my party. And gn! What are you doing here? gn: Um [gestures to dance floor] PHOEBE: [enters with the three people she got out] Ok, welcome to the fu-oh. MONICA: Phoebe. PHOEBE: Alright, I'm sorry but these people needed me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. Go. MONICA: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance... [volleyball hits her in the head from behind] [Back at Monica's party] RACHEL: You want me to see a therapist? MRS. GREENE: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father. RACHEL: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing. [Chandler and Joey's party] MR. GREENE: Did you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place. RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff. [Monica's party] MRS. GREENE: You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat. [Chandler and Joey's party] MR. GREENE: You work and you work and you work on a boat... MRS. GREENE: He always ridiculed my pottery classs... MR. GREENE: ...and you sand it and you varnish it... MRS. GREENE: ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs. MR. GREENE: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County... MRS. GREENE: ...the scotch and the cigarettes... MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua... MRS. GREENE: ...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but... MR. GREENE: ...what the hell does she want with half a boat... [Scene: The hallway after the party. Rachel is sitting there.] CHANDLER: [running out of his apartment after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor. RACHEL: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this? CHANDLER: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed. RACHEL: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July. CHANDLER: Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other? RACHEL: It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just... CHANDLER: I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.] [Scene: Monica's party. She is seeing off the last of the guests.] MONICA: Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun. MRS. GREENE: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna ht the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem. MONICA: Ok will do. So glad you came. MRS. GREENE: I think I saw Rachel out in the hall. MONICA: Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's to say goodbye. RACHEL: Oh ok. MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie. RACHEL: Ok. [Mr. Greene opens the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment. Ross sees him and runs to the door forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.] JOEY: Ahh, you drive safe. MRS. GREENE: Ross, what're you doing. ROSS: I'm getting ready for the water skiing. [Mr. Greene opens the door which pulls Ross in] How are you doing? CHANDLER: Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going? MR. GREENE: To get my coat. GUYS: No no no. MR. GREENE:Alright, alright, I can get my own coat. [the guys form a wall between Mrs Geller and Mr Geller and dance across the hall as he walks across] CHANDLER: Sorry, we're on a major flan high. PHOEBE: Oh no, you're not supposed to be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out. [opens the door, the guys are right there] Or perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe. MR. GREENE: I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you. PHOEBE: Oh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway. JOEY: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. [grabs her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his arms. Mr. Greene leaves.] Well, ok, you take care. MRS. GREENE: Oh, you kids [she caresses his face and chest] Well, this is the best party I've been to in years. MONICA: Thank you. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Close up of the flan on the table with birthday candles.] MONICA: Ok everybody, it's time for flan. CHANDLER: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun. JOEY: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection. MONICA: Ok, that's enough. PHOEBE: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish. RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan] Wow, those things almost never come true. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x22 - The One With the Two Parties"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Brown Mandell. Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are there.] [Rachel brings a muffin to Chandler and Monica who are sitting on the couch.] RACHEL: Ok, Chandler, Mon, there's only one bananna nut muffin left. [Rachel holds the tray between them. Chandler grabs the muffin before Monica can.] MONICA: Oh, I ordered mine first. CHANDLER: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster... MONICA: Give it to me. CHANDLER: No. MONICA: Give it to me. CHANDLER: Ok, you can have it. [He licks it and offers it to her.] MONICA: [She grabs the coffee cup on the table and licks the rim.] There you go, enjoy your coffee. CHANDLER: That was there when I got here. [Takes a bite of his muffin.] PHOEBE: [enters] Hey you guys, you will never guess who's coming to New York. MONICA: [Chandler tries to come back with a smart-ass remark but can't swallow the muffin.] Quick, Phoebe, tell us before he can swallow. PHOEBE: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in the Navy. [Chandler is visibly upset] RACHEL: You went out with a guy in the Navy? PHOEBE: Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy 'cause he didn't have any change. JOEY: Hey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man? PHOEBE: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay. RACHEL: So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time? [Once again, Chandler has a bite in his mouth and can't come back.] MONICA: That'll teach you to lick my muffin. ROSS: [enters] Hiii. JOEY: Oh no, what happened? ROSS: Well, I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got the chicken pox. ALL: Oh no. ROSS: Yeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are you're gonna get it. RACHEL: Well I've had it. JOEY: Yeah, I've had it. MONICA: Had it. CHANDLER: Had it. PHOEBE: Well, I've never had it, I feel so left out. [Sees a red bump on her arm.] Oh look! OPENING TITLES [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in her bedroom.] MONICA: Honey, you made the bed again. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp. RICHARD: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Jim Crochee's Leroy Brown. [He walks out of the bedroom and Monica starts to remake the bed.] RICHARD: Monica... [He re-enters the bedroom and Monica jumps on the bed, trying to cover it.] Hey Mon, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town? MONICA: Baddest. Otherwise the song would be Fat Fat Leroy Brown. RICHARD: What're you doing? MONICA: Just waiting for you sweetie. RICHARD: Are you remaking the bed? MONICA: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, the way you did it was just fine. RICHARD: Then, you're redoing it because... MONICA: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy. RICHARD: You're pretty much running that risk either way. MONICA: Ok, you see, the tag shouldn't be at the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner. RICHARD: Oh, well that's not so crazy. MONICA: I'm just easing you in. RICHARD: Oh, alright. MONICA: Alright, you see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me any more do you. RICHARD: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more. MONICA: Really? Wow, well then come on, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point. [Scene: Chandler's office. Joey is there.] CHANDLER: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor. JOEY: But don't you need experience for a job like that? CHANDLER: It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor. SCOTT: [enters] Hey Chandler, here's this morning's projections. CHANDLER: Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor. SCOTT: No kidding. JOEY: Oh yeah yeah. I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call. SCOTT: Where do you work? JOEY: Uhh, well, right now I'm in between things. You know how it is. One day you're processing, the next day you're not so much... processing any more. CHANDLER: I was just telling Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group. SCOTT: Fleischman's group. Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha... JOEY: Ha-ha. [Scott leaves] Are all you processors dorks? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are doing Phoebe's makeup.] RACHEL: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on you. MONICA: You look fabulous honey, you really do. PHOEBE: Yeah? Are you sure, really. [She picks up a mirror and sees the white splotches all over her face.] RACHEL: You see, you look beautiful. For god sakes, dim the lights. PHOEBE: I, I, I'm hideous. MONICA: It's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnicles on your butt. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ryan is walks up to the door and knocks.] PHOEBE: Come in. RYAN: Hey baby, I'm back... [Phoebe is sitting by the window in a veil.] PHOEBE: Hey Ryan, what's up? RYAN: What's goin' on? PHOEBE: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox. RYAN: Chicken or small? PHOEBE: Chicken. Which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian. RYAN: Why aren't you at home in bed? PHOEBE: 'Cause my, my grandmother's never had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, 'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are. RYAN: I'm sorry, I never had 'em. PHOEBE: Ohh, ohh. RYAN: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face. PHOEBE: Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn't have them now. RYAN: Can I please see your face? PHOEBE: Nope. You don't want to see a face covered with pox. RYAN: Your face could be covered with lochs, I wouldn't care. PHOEBE: And you hate fish. Oh. That's so sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... [she unveils herself right as a huge lightning bolt crashes outside. Ryan screams in terror.] Oh, I am scary. RYAN: Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an unfortunate incidence. You look lovely, lovely. PHOEBE: I hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this. RYAN: Phoebe, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots stand between us. [He walks to her and kisses her.] PHOEBE: Ok, this is the most romantic disease I've ever had. [Scene: Chandler's office. Joey enters.] JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: Hey, how's the first day goin'? JOEY: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column. CHANDLER: Well there you go. JOEY: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie. CHANDLER: Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie? JOEY: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same school. Small world huh? CHANDLER: Weird world. Your kids? JOEY: I figure my character has kids. CHANDLER: Ya know there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained. JOEY: Well, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does. CHANDLER: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes. JOEY: Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... Ya know what? Just did. CHANDLER: Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe and Ryan are playing Monopoly.] RYAN: You know what makes the itching even worse? PHOEBE: That you don't stop talking about it. RYAN: Fine. PHOEBE: Let's just play, ok. Good, ok. [She picks up the dice.] Here we go, double sixes, here we go... [She starts to rub the dice all over herself.] Here we go, come to mama, just getting ready to roll the dice... RYAN: What're you doing? Are you scratching? PHOEBE: No. This is what I do for luck, ok. RYAN: You're scratching. Give me the dice. PHOEBE: No. RYAN: Give me the dice. PHOEBE: No. Here. [Throws them on the table.] There. Ooh, double sixes. RYAN: We can't scratch. You know we can't, we'll scar. PHOEBE: Uhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all over my body. [Grabs a handful of the houses.] RYAN: No. PHOEBE: Give it. RYAN: No. PHOEBE: Yeah, come on. You know you want it, you know you want it too, come on. Let's just be bad, it'll feel so good. [She starts scratching him.] RYAN: Oh God help me. PHOEBE: Now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder. [They get back to back and start rubbing against each other. Ross and Rachel enter.] RACHEL: Oh, stop that, stop that right now. ROSS: You know, I might have expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man. [Scene: Chandler's office building. Joey and Jeannie are talking.] JOEY: You and Milton have to join us on the boat. Karen'll pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids, we'll make a day of it. JEANNIE: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better. JOEY: Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie. JEANNIE: Bye bye Joey. JOEY: What a phony. CHANDLER: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas. JOEY: Sir. MR. DOUGLAS: Uh, listen Bing, I received your memo. So, we're not gonna receive the systems report until next Friday? CHANDLER: Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families. MR. DOUGLAS: I have a family, I'm gonna be here. JOEY: Yeah Bing, what's that about? CHANDLER: It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday. MR. DOUGLAS: Rough numbers? JOEY: This company was not built on rough numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas. MR. DOUGLAS: Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday. CHANDLER: Uh, if you say so sir. JOEY: Joseph's good, isn't he? CHANDLER: Well, I'm going to kll you. JOEY: Hey, hey, I just figure Joseph's the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there, ruffle some feathers. CHANDLER: Why? JOEY: Look, I'm sorry but that's what Joseph does, ok. If you try to pull somethin', he'll call you on it. 'What're you tryin' to pull,' he'll say. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica enters her bedroom with a roll of duct tape. Richard is sitting on the bed.] RICHARD: Ooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring something too? MONICA: This is for the scratchy twins out there. I taped oven mits to their hands. RICHARD: You're strict. MONICA: It's for their own good. RICHARD: You know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time. MONICA: Exactly. Oh, I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Don't you like it better now that everything on your desk is perpendicular? RICHARD: If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle. MONICA: Very good. RICHARD: Thank you. MONICA: You know what. Tomorrow I'm gonna do your clocks. RICHARD: You're gonna do what to my clocks. MONICA: I'm gonna set them to my time. RICHARD: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared time. MONICA: No no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why? RICHARD: Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen. MONICA: No forget it, I'm not gonna tell you now. RICHARD: No come on. Come on tell me. MONICA: No. See you don't understand. RICHARD: Come on. MONICA: No. You don't have any of these cute little obsessive things. RICHARD: No that's not true. That is not true. MONICA: Oh yeah. RICHARD: Yeah. MONICA: Alright, well tell me one of yours. RICHARD: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from my dress socks. MONICA: What if they get mixed up? RICHARD: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out. MONICA: You would not. I can't believe this. I hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing. RICHARD: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well. [Scene: Chandler's office. Chandler is asleep in his chair holding a paper in one hand and a pen in the other. Joey walks in, waking up Chandler who covers by pretending to write on the paper.] JOEY: Hey. Mr. Douglas is looking for you. CHANDLER: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me? JOEY: 'Cause he has a strong suspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project. CHANDLER: Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that? JOEY: Becasue at first he thought it was Joseph. But after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you. Anyway, I just thought you should know. CHANDLER: Alright, that's it. Look Joey, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fre Joseph, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible so I'm gonna have to let both of you go. JOEY: What're you talking about, everybody loves Joseph. CHANDLER: I don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up. JOEY: Oh yeah. Well you can't fre Joseph. You know why, 'cause he's not in your department. CHANDLER: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fre Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife. JOEY: Karen. CHANDLER: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did. JOEY: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man. CHANDLER: Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer. JOEY: Really? CHANDLER: No freakshow, she's fictional. JOEY: Take it easy. If it means that much to you, I'll uh, I'll go find something else. CHANDLER: Thank you. JOEY: It's just that, I, I'm gonna miss Joseph. I liked him. His wife, she was hot. [Chadler pushes him out the door by the face.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Ross are in the kitchen. Phoebe is sitting at the couch with oven mits on her hands.] PHOEBE: Can I please take these off? I swear I won't scratch. RACHEL: No sorry hon, Monica's orders. RYAN: [Comes out of the bathroom, also with oven mits on his hands.] Well that wasn't easy. ROSS: Ok, dinner's on. RACHEL: And there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problem for you. ROSS: Alright you kids, bye now. PHOEBE and RYAN: Bye. [waving] ROSS: Oh look, a low budget puppet show. PHOEBE: It's such a shame you can't see which finger I'm holding up. [Ross and Rachel leave.] RYAN: Wine? PHOEBE: Please. [Ryan pulls the cork with his teeth and spits it into Phoebe's mits.] RYAN: Oh, I spilled some. PHOEBE: I got it. [Wipes it up with her mits.] RYAN: [Puts his hands over Phoebe's ears.] I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight. PHOEBE: What? RYAN: Sorry. You look beautiful. PHOEBE: Oh. [They start to kiss. They try to get each other's shirts off but can't get the buttons undone.] PHOEBE: You know what, that's it, that's it. [She rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.] [They keep kissing and start scratching each other. Ross enters, takes one look, and goes right back out the door.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard and Monica are in bed.] RICHARD: Monica, wake up. Monica. MONICA: What's up? RICHARD: I thought of a thing. MONICA: Yeah? RICHARD: Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed. MONICA: No honey. You have to sleep on this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed. RICHARD: Or so I would have you believe. MONICA: No. Big deal, so you have a side of the bed, everybody has a side of the bed. RICHARD: Hey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet. MONICA: Alright, go on. RICHARD: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side. MONICA: Oh my God, you're a freak. RICHARD: Yeah. How 'bout that. [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and Ryan are there. Ryan is in uniform, getting ready to leave.] RACHEL: So uh, Ryan, were you shipping off to? RYAN: I really can't say. ROSS: So do you have like any nuclear w*apon on board? RYAN: I can't say. RACHEL: Well do you get to look through one of those like, those periscope thingys. RYAN: I'm sorry, but I can't say. ROSS: Wow, it, it's neat learning about submarines. RYAN: I better get out of here, I'm gonna miss my flight. PHOEBE: Ok, I'll walk you out. ROSS: Bye Ryan. RYAN: Pleasure. RACHEL: It was nice to meet you. RYAN: Take care. [Phoebe and Ryan walk outside.] RACHEL: So do you uh, think we can get you one of those uh, uniform things? ROSS: You like that do ya? RACHEL: Oh yeah. ROSS: I'll make some calls. [Runs off.] RACHEL: Ok. [Outside with Phoebe and Ryan.] RYAN: Can you believe how we spent our two weeks together? PHOEBE: I know. We didn't do any of the romantic things I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and ya know, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that. [They kiss.] RYAN: Taxi. PHOEBE: Bye you. [Ryan's cab drives off. As Phoebe is going back in, she sees the Central Perk sign in the window and laughs.] CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing. Ross walks in in a uniform.] RACHEL: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-... Hey sailor. ROSS: Is this what you had in mind? RACHEL: I'll say. [Ross picks her up.] ROSS: I'm shipping out tomorrow. RACHEL: Well then uh, we better make this night count. [He starts to carry her out.] Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. [He carries her over to turn it off.] Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my pu rse. [He carries her to the counter to pick up her purse.] Oh, you know what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light. ROSS: Alright you know, why don't I just meet you upstairs. [Drops her on the couch and walks out holding his lower back.] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x23 - The One With the Chicken Pox"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Ira Ungerleider. Teleplay by Brown Mandell. Transcribed by Eric B Aasen. HTMLed by guineapig. [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gng is there as Joey enters] RACHEL: Hey Joey, how'd the audition go? JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was. ALL: Who? JOEY: All right. I'll give you one hint. Warren Beatty. ALL: Wow! JOEY: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy. CHANDLER: 'Cause he was just so darn cute. JOEY: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses. ROSS: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it. (Rachel looks at him in disbelief) Or you just do it. JOEY: I did do it, I'm a professional. MONICA: Then what's the problem? JOEY: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother. PHOEBE: Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing (Chandler and Monica, give her a look that says 'think about it') Ooh. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: continued from earlier] CHANDLER: Hey, what did your agent say? JOEY: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me. MONICA: What, forget it! RACHEL: Yeah, right. JOEY: Come on, I need your help here. PHOEBE: All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before I can do it again. JOEY: You see this, this is a friend. PHOEBE: Uh-huh, let's go. (they move in to kiss) Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. (they kiss rather passionately) Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend. JOEY: Then I don't know what it is. What's the problem? MONICA: Joey, you know, maybe your just not used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that's what you need to work on. JOEY: Yeah, that makes sense. (looks at Ross) ROSS: Over my dad body! (Joey looks at Chandler) CHANDLER: And I'll be using his dad body as a shield. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Richard are there] ROSS: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns around, and under his breath, to the rest of the guys) Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good. (Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress, with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the 1800s, Monica and Richard both stare in shock) PHOEBE: (laughing) Oh my God, you look so good! RACHEL: I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous. ROSS: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding. RACHEL: Because I promised Mindy I would. MONICA: Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry him. (Rachel glares at her, and she retreats to safety between Richard's legs) RACHEL: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself. (Chandler enters, sees Rachel in the dress and starts laughing) PHOEBE: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action? CHANDLER: I may have. MONICA: Woo-hoo, stuud! ROSS: What's she look like? CHANDLER: Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet. MONICA: Woo-hoo, geeek! CHANDLER: I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy... ROSS: Get out! RACHEL: Nooo! MONICA: Please! CHANDLER: Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did. RACHEL: Wow! What's that like? CHANDLER: It's like this, me, no jokes. PHOEBE: All right, stop it, you're freaking me out. RICHARD: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guys later. ALL: Bye, Richard. MONICA: Bye sweetie, (kisses him) I love you. RICHARD: I love you, too. (Monica stares longingly at the door, after Richard leaves) PHOEBE: I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like. MONICA: What are you talking about? What wedding? PHOEBE: Come on, like you never talk that. MONICA: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?' RACHEL: Afraid to ask him? MONICA: Could not be more terrified. CHANDLER: Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Richard and Monica are playing with Ben.] MONICA: (holding up a blanket) Where's Benny? (drops the blanket) There he is! (does it again) Where's Benny, there he is. RICHARD: Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to cut it out. MONICA: Hey, you know I got a question for ya. Just a little thing, no pressure. RICHARD: Okay. MONICA: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future? RICHARD: Sure I do. MONICA: Yeah, am I in it? RICHARD: Honey, you are in it. MONICA: Oh God, you are about to get sooo lucky. RICHARD: Oh, yeah! MONICA: Keep talkin'. RICHARD: Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast. MONICA: Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner? RICHARD: Like a hound? MONICA: Not a basset, a bassinet. RICHARD: You really need the bassinet? MONICA: Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future. RICHARD: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start. MONICA: Uh-huh. RICHARD: Look I want you, now. MONICA: That's Great. You know we don't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there, Chandler is talking to his new friend on the internet.] JOEY: Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo much. (Chandler ignores him) Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone. CHANDLER: Joey, no means no! [Rachel, in her bridesmaid dress, complete with hat, which makes her look like Little Bo Peep, and Ross enter] RACHEL: Hey! CHANDLER: I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep. JOEY: Aww, Rach, I think you look cute (kisses her on the cheek, then looks at Ross) And you, uh, you, you I could eat with a spoon (goes to kiss him). ROSS: Get away from me I said no! MONICA: (entering) Richard buzzed. He's waiting downstairs. JOEY: Oh, Richard's here. I should run down say bye to him (runs out) ALL: Bye. PHOEBE: Bye, good luck. (Rachel, Ross, and Monica exit) PHOEBE: So how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that (points at the computer screen). CHANDLER: Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim (sp?, I'm not an art guy) museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words. PHOEBE: What does she mean by HH? CHANDLER: (shyly) It means we're holding hands. PHOEBE: Are you the cutest? CHANDLER: I'm afraid I might just be. PHOEBE: You know, what I think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy. CHANDLER: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her. PHOEBE: It could be like a big giant guy. JOEY: (entering) Man, I got this close to him (holds up his fingers) and Monica kneed me in the back. What's going on? PHOEBE: We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl. JOEY: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men. CHANDLER: How do you not fall down more? PHOEBE: Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?' CHANDLER: All right. (reading her answer) "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married! PHOEBE: Well at least we know she's a woman. CHANDLER: I can't believe she's married. JOEY: Aw, man I'm sorry (starts rubbing Chandler's shoulder). This must be very tough for ya, huh (and starts comfroting him looking for a kiss). [Scene: Barry and Mindy's wedding, Monica and Richard are standing in the lobby] MONICA: So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them. RICHARD: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at sushi bars.(they both start laughing at Richard's poor joke) See, we're having fun. MONICA: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not supposed to think about. RICHARD: Neither am I. [Scene: later the bridesmaids and ushers are getting ready to start, Ross is looking for Rachel] ROSS: Hey, there. RACHEL: Hi. ROSS: Are you all right? RACHEL: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time. ROSS: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride. RACHEL: God I know, you're right. (Annoying wedding planner enters) WEDDING PLANNER: All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you. RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you after the thing. ROSS: Okay, good luck (kisses her and leaves) RACHEL: Thank you, Okay, Okay. [Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she doesn't realize that her dress is bunched up in her underwear and her butt is showing.] COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: after the wedding, Ross and Rachel are in the lobby] RACHEL: Why the hell didn't you tell me! ROSS: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!' RACHEL: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes. ROSS: Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad. RACHEL: Oh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you. MR. WINEBURG: Rachel! RACHEL: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg. MR. WINEBURG: It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much. MRS. WINEBURG: You told me you didn't see anything. MR. WINEBURG: I tell ya a lot things! MRS. WINEBURG: Well it's wonderful to have you up and about, again, dear. MR. WINEBURG: Stay well. RACHEL: Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today. MINDY: (entering) Rach! Rach! RACHEL: Oh, hi! MINDY: Oh my God, I'm married! RACHEL: I know. MINDY: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber. RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min. BARRY: (entering) Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now. RACHEL: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about? MINDY: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of....insane. RACHEL: Insane! MINDY: ...from the syphilis. RACHEL: What?! BARRY: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there, Joey is on the phone.] JOEY: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him.....Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walks into his room) (the computer bing, bongs) PHOEBE: Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what's wrong? CHANDLER: What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong. (bing, bong) PHOEBE: Oh, my. CHANDLER: What? PHOEBE: She wants to meet you in person. CHANDLER: Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband. PHOEBE: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip. CHANDLER: Okay, I'll do it! PHOEBE: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! (Chandler runs and picks up his shoes) Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, eww. (Chandler runs to the bathroom, as the computer bing-bongs) No, you know what you have to answer her, answer her first. (Chandler runs to the computer) No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much. (Chandler walks slowly into the kitchen) [Scene: at Barry and Mindy's reception, Monica and Richard are sitting at a table, and Monica is trying to throw a piece of candy into his mouth.] MONICA: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will. RICHARD: Okay, last chance. (Monica throws the candy and hits some woman in the back of the head, Richard turns around and says) Again, I'm sorry. MONICA: You know what, maybe I don't need to have children. You know maybe I just think I do because that is what society, and by that I mean my mom, has always convinced me that I...(sees two little girls dancing together) I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry, I just do. BEST MAN: (standing up) Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Thank you. (clears throat, and starts reading his toast) I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel... ALL: What?! BEST MAN: What, (to Barry) you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. (gets a 'da-doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel... RACHEL: What. BEST MAN: No, no, no now in all seriousness, its not a lot of women would've had the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it with their asses hanging out! (da-doom-chesh) ROSS: (standing up) Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that... RACHEL: Why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding? ROSS: Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's boyfriend. RACHEL: Oh dear God. ROSS: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. (da-doom-chesh) (to drummer) What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me (looks for the da-doom-chesh, and doesn't get one) Cheers. RACHEL: (to Ross) She you in the parking lot. ROSS: (runs after her) No, Rach! BARRY: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um? RACHEL: (after a pause with everyone staring at her, she goes up to the microphone) Ya, know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least one* of your weddings (da-doom-chesh). See now, tonight, all I really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well (laughing), I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say except....(starts singing) "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (band joins in), feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would..." ROSS: Marenge, RACHEL: (singing) "...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.." ROSS: Everybody! RACHEL: At the Copa, Copa Cabana (everyone joins in) The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa.... [Scene: later, Richard and Monica are dancing] RICHARD: Okay, I'll do it. MONICA: You'll do what? RICHARD: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is. MONICA: Oh my God! RICHARD: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team. MONICA: Really? RICHARD: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will. MONICA: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.' RICHARD: But you're not. MONICA: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one. RICHARD: God. I love you. MONICA: I know you do. Me too. (pause) So what now? RICHARD: I guess we just keep dancing. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are there waiting for Chandler's cyberchick to arrive] CHANDLER: Where is she, Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she? RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here. CHANDLER: (noticing a beautiful blond walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her. ROSS: (seeing her also) Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind. PHOEBE: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to... (Chandler's date walks in) CHANDLER: Oh my God! (it's Janice) JANICE: OH.....MY.....GAWD!! (Chandler rushes over and kisses her) ALL: OH.....MY.....GOD!! CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters] ROSS: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey). JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "02x24 - The One With Barry and Mindy's Wedding"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene Central Perk, the whole gng is entering] Joey: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me. All: Did not, she did not wink at you...(sees that their sacred couch is occupied by strangers). Chandler: Huh. (They all leave, dejected) Opening Credits [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.] Ross: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison. Rachel: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever is The Way We Were. Phoebe: See, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss. Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs? Phoebe: (singing) Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za. (Monica enters from her bedroom) Phoebe: Hi Monica! Ross: Hey Mon! Rachel: Hey Mon! (she just walks straight into the bathroom) Phoebe: Oh my God, has she slept at all? Ross: Nope. Rachel: No, it's been three nights in a row. Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so. Phoebe: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in from the bedroom] Chandler: Morning. Joey: Morning, hey, you made pancakes? Chandler: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that. Janice: (entering and singing) Monica and Rachel had syrup, now I can get my man to cheer up. (laughs hysterically) Good morning Joey. Joey: (sarcastically) Good morning. Chandler: Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me. Janice: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that report to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer. Chandler: I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up. Janice: (laughs) I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss. Chandler: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay. Joey: (under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her! Janice: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey. Joey: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her. Chandler: Nope, not this time. Joey: Come on, quite yankin' me. Chandler: I'm not yanking you. Joey: This is Janice. Chandler: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy. Joey: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking. Chandler: (looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face) [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is entering from the bathroom.] Monica: God, look what I found in the drain. Rachel: What?! Monica: It's some of Richard's hair! (holds it close to Ross) What do I do with this? Ross: Getting it away from me would be job one. Monica: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! (drops it in Ross's cereal) Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.) Monica: God, what is wrong with me. Ross: You need to get some sleep. Monica: I need to get some Richard. Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason. Monica: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called! Phoebe: Maybe, because you told him not to. Monica: What are you the memory woman? Joey: (entering) Their not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. Their not breaking up. He didn't blink or anything. Rachel: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them together, they're really cute. Joey: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice? Rachel: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do? Joey: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? Huh? Ross? Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her. Joey: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right? [Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is working and Rachel is reading a book in bed] Rachel: (she leans over and kisses him on the cheek) Honey, I was wondering.... Ross: Hmm? Rachel: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform? Ross: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place. Rachel: Hmm. Ross: I think I have an old band uniform from high school. Rachel: You remember not having sex in high school, right? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Well honey, what about you? Ross: What? Rachel: I mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things? Ross: No. Rachel: Come on you gotta have one! Ross: Nope. Rachel: Ross, you know what... Ross: What? Rachel: ...if you tell me, I might do it. Ross: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia. Rachel: Oooh! Ross: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there] Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that. Rachel: Really! Phoebe: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know. Rachel: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh! Rachel: Really! That-that great huh? Phoebe: No it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya! Ross: (entering with Monica in tow) Hey! Rachel: Hi you guys! Ross: Look who I found standing outside of the Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter. Rachel: Mon. Hi! Monica: Hi. Rachel: Why aren't you at work? Monica: Oh, they-they sent me home. Rachel: Why? Monica: Because I don't work at the Szechwan Dragon. Ross: Okay. Rachel: You really, really need to get some sleep, honey. Monica: I know I do. Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi. Ross: Guess what? Rachel: What? Ross: They published my paper. Rachel: Oh, really, let me see, let me see. Phoebe: Rach, look! (she holds two buns up to her ears to make her hair look like the Princess Leia 'do.) Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me. (Ross stands up horrified) There he is. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Wheel of Fortune, the puzzle is showing _oun_ Rush_ore.] [Chandler enters] Chandler: Hey! Joey: Wheel! Chandler: Of! Joey: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. (yelling) It's Count Rushmore!! Chandler: You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say? Joey: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going to? Chandler: No, Janice. Joey: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, you know, we-we always go together, we're like the three hocke-teers. Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice? Joey: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. (walks into the kitchen, Chandler follows closely, he turns around and gets startled). Oh, hi, you know that girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair (holds his hands up to signify she has big hair)? Chandler: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh! Joey: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to take, you know. Chandler: Well, there you go. Joey: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember? Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the right letters. Joey: Look, what do you want me to say? Chandler: I want you to say that you like her! Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna (grimaces and tenses up) pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her. Chandler: Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts to leave) Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore! Joey: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain? (Chandler gives him a look like 'You stupid idiot!') Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are entering] Ross: How could you have told her? Rachel: Ross, I didn't think it would that big of a deal. Ross: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of deal. Rachel: Okay, who are you talking to when you do that? Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us. Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell each other everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room stuff. Ross: That's different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who dated a stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the Staton Island Ferry?'. Rachel: Were both of those Joey? Ross: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do with her. Rachel: Not even with your best friend. Ross: Noo! Rachel: That is so sad. Your missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are. Ross: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other everything? Rachel: Pretty much. Ross: Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times? Rachel: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol. Ross: I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think. [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to relax her.] Phoebe: ( in a soothing voice) Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place. Monica: Richard's living room, drinking wine. Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out! Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place. Phoebe: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything. Monica: All right, I'll try not to. Phoebe: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky.... Monica: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake? Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees.... Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine. Phoebe: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook.... Monica: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's] Janice: So, I hear, you hate me! Joey: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about that. Janice: A little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me. Joey: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your taking a big leap there... Janice: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we've got to do something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending some quality time together. Joey: But what does that gonna do... Janice: For Chandler! Joey: Okay. I'm in. Janice: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna call it: 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!' Joey: Does it have to be a whole day? Janice: Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me. Joey: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are entering] Monica: (crying) So, I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil wr. He loved the Civil wr. Phoebe: Monica, do you want us to take you home? Monica: Uh, huh. (to Ross) Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away. (Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe leave) Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that? Chandler: Umm, yeah. Ross: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth.... Chandler: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this? Ross: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna? Chandler: We're not gonna talk about girth are we? Ross: Nooo! Chandler: Yeah, okay. Ross: Yeah? Chandler: Yeah! All right! You go first. Ross: Okay, okay, I'll go first. Chandler: Okay. Ross: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a particular Star Wars thing.... Chandler: Princess Leia in the gold bikini. Ross: Yes! Chandler: I know! Ross: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay, you-you go. Chandler: Okay. Ross: Okay. Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman. Ross: Hmph. Chandler: And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place.... Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa! Chandler: I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know...(Ross just stares at him). You don't know! Ross: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you? Chandler: You said... Ross: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there! (Chandler goes over and sits at a table and puts his head down). [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Janice are returning from their DAY OF FUN!] Janice: We're baack! Joey: Hey! Chandler: What are you guys doing together? Janice: Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!!! (laughs) Chandler: Really. Joey: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. You have got competition buddy. Janice: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler. (laughs) Chandler: You still can't stand her can you? Joey: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did. Chandler: Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a sht. Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium. Chandler: Well, I guess that's something. Joey: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway. Chandler: Okay. Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross. Chandler: Oh God! Joey: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too. Chandler: Really? Joey: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm having sex. [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is watching the Civil wr videos] Video:April Twelve, Eighteen hundred, Sixty-One (Monica lights Richard's cigar butt), 4:30 A.M. on Tuesday, the United States garrison at Fort Sumter was fired upon (knock on door) it is now under bmb by.... (Monica answers the door) Monica: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here? Mr. Geller: Well, it's your mother's bridge night so I thought that I would come into the city for a little Monicuddle. (hugs her) Since when did you start smoking cigars? Monica: I don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here Dad? Mr. Geller: Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Monica: What makes you think that I might not be okay? Mr. Geller: I saw Richard. Monica: Oh. Mr. Geller: So, how are you doing? Monica: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm okay. How's Richard doing? Mr. Geller: You don't wanna know. Monica: No, I really, really do. Mr. Geller: Well, he's doing terrible! Monica: Really! Mr. Geller: Worse than when he broke up with Barbara. Monica: You're not just saying that are you? Mr. Geller: No, the man is a mess. Monica: Was he crying? Mr. Geller: No. Monica: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til after you left, so he could cry? Mr. Geller: Maybe. Monica: I think so. Mr. Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However, (turns around and sees that Monica is sleeping and puts a blanket around her, kisses her, picks up the cigar, and starts watching the video) Closing Credits [Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is humming the Star Wars theme. Rachel enters, with her hair done up like Princess Leia's, and wearing a belly dancer's outfit, to simulate the gold bikini thing.] Rachel: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner, and you have a really weird look on your face. What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture it differently? What? What? Ross: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's (turns and sees his Mom standing where Rachel is) Mrs. Geller: Well what is it? Come on sweetie, your like, freaking me out here. Ross: I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life. (Rachel starts looking around and down, with a 'What the hell is going on?' look on her face.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x01 - The One With the Princess Leia Fantasy"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, everyone is getting ready to go to a banquet] Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. (takes a glass from the fridge.) Chandler: Taste it. Joey: (drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge) Yep, it's fat. I drank fat! Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago. Ross: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey, mister tux! Ross: Why aren't you guys dressed? Joey: We have a half hour. Ross: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the door at twenty to eight. Joey: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed. Ross: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now. Chandler and Joey: Okay. (they don't move) Rachel: (entering from bathroom) Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy. Ross: Really. Rachel: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi. Ross: Hi. Rachel: How come you didn't come over earlier? Ross: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man. Joey: Hey, Ross, want some cider? Ross: No. (to Rachel) So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. Make-up's on, hair's done. Rachel: Yeah, I just have to get dressed. Ross: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes. Rachel: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing. Joey: Glass of fat? Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross is acting nervous] Joey: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech? Ross: No! Do you wanna hear it? Joey: Am I in it? Ross: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey. Phoebe: (entering) Hello. Ross: Hey! Joey: Whoa! Ross: Wow, hello! You look great! Phoebe: Thank you! I know, though. Ross: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star. Phoebe: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny. Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. (to Joey) Get up. Joey: What? Chandler: You're in my seat. Joey: How is this your seat? Chandler: 'Cause I was sitting there. Joey: But then you left. Chandler: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back. Joey: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else. Chandler: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat. Joey: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there (points to the bathroom). Soo... Ross: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So.. Chandler: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at Joey) GET UP!! Monica: (entering) Hi. All: Hey. Monica: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great! Phoebe: All right all ready. Monica: (to Ross) Ooh, are you gonna do magic? Ross: That's, that's funny. Change! Monica: Hang on a second I just got in. Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late. Phoebe: We could not, would not want to wait. Ross: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is gonna be there, everyone will see if we arrive after it starts. Monica: Has somebody been drinking my fat? (Joey and Chandler look at each other) Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) You guys, (holds up an outfit) does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear? Phoebe: I don't know, you might be the first one. Monica: Rach, did you check the machine? Rachel: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. Nevermind. Chandler: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get Up. Joey: All right! You can have the chair. Chandler: Really! Joey: Oh my, would you look at that! (holds up crossed fingers) Phoebe: (on machine) "Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey, what if I'm already there when your playing this message?" (to the guys) Is that too spooky? Ross: (on machine) "Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick up. Rachel. Rach!" Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) What?! Ross: Nevermind. Richard: (on machine) "Monica, it's Richard. Call me." Monica: Is-is-is that message old or new? (yelling) Old or new?! Old or new?! Ross: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the double beep? Monica: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back? Chandler: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old. Ross: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing. And you know what I did? Monica: Huh? Ross: I.....got.....dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay. (Rachel starts to follow Monica into her room, but Ross stops her and sends her back to her room.) There we go, there we go. Chandler: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! (Joey flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress) Phoebe: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys! Chandler and Joey: Sorry Phoebe. Joey: I'm so sorry. Phoebe: What am I gonna do? Ross: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! (clapping) What gets out hummus?! What gets out hummus?! Phoebe: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out hummus. Monica: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say? Phoebe: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that. Chandler: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy. Monica: So, should I call him back? The Guys: Noo! (Monica starts to go back into her room and stops) NO! Chandler: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. (sits on Joey's lap) I'm soooo, comfortable. Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable. Chandler: All right! (jumps up) Ross: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay. Okay. Chandler: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! (leaves) Rachel: (entering from her room) Is this a little too... (sees Phoebe) Pheebs, what happened? Phoebe: Hummus. I got the hummus. Rachel: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket? Phoebe: That won't go with this dress though. Rachel: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get you out of that. Come on. Ross: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes. Rachel: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress? Monica: I called him. All: Nooo. Monica: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you know it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God, what if it wasn't breezy? Phoebe: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're in such a breezy place. Monica: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you guys, and you can tell me if it's breezy enough. Joey: Monica, how are you gonna do that? Monica: I know the code to his answering machine. Ross: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, you're dialing, you are dialing. (Chandler enters, and Joey is standing near the chair, they have a show down to see who gets the chair and Joey wins) Richard: (on machine) "Hi, this is Richard. Please, leave a message at the tone." Machine: "You have two new messages." Joey: Wow, what a cool job. (in a machine voice) 'You have two new messages.' 'Please, pass the pie.' Monica: (on machine) "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy." Joey: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that totally negates the breezy. Woman's Voice: (on machine) Hola, it's me, yesterday was really fun. Call me about this weekend, okay. Joey: Now she sounded breezy. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier] Monica: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone. Phoebe: Monica, you don't know that. Monica: Well, who's voice was that? Chandler: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's. Monica: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like Michelle? Ross: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get a cab. Monica: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle. Rachel: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If that doesn't work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?! Ross: You don't, you don't know what your wearing? Rachel: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big night. Ross: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll just pick something out for you. Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!" Joey: Okay. (he gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave) Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions. Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair! Joey: That's right! I'm taking the essence. Chandler: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room. Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep. Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days. Phoebe: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! (she's wearing another dress on a hanger around her neck) Rachel: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight. Phoebe: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi! Ross: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you doing? Rachel: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love you. Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping. Ross: What? Chandler: (shyly) The sheep. Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time... Joey: (entering) Where's my underwear?! Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear? Chandler: He took my essence! Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now. Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues. Chandler: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions. Joey: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you. Chandler: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes? Joey: Hey, opposite, is opposite! (leaves) Chandler: He's got nothing! Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's room, wearing a huge bow to cover the stain) Okay, I'm ready. Ross and Chandler: Oh, aaaah! Phoebe: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.' Chandler: What are you supporting? Phoebe: Duh!! Christmas! Ross: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. (shows Chandler) Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. (grabs Chandler's watch) What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!! Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple? Ross: Just, just, just pick one! Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys? Rachel: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants? Ross: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay. Rachel: But I... Ross: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we can go. Rachel: All right. Ross: Thank you! Monica: (entering from her room) Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to. Ross: It was, it was her voice. Chandler: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place. Michelle: Hola! Hello. Hello? Monica: Okay. That was her right? Phoebe: Definitely. Monica: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now. Ross: Yay! (phone rings) Phoebe: I'll get it, okay. (answers phone) Hi, Monica and Rachel's. (listens) Yeah, just a second, can I ask who's calling. (to Monica) Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that Caller Id thing. You should get that. Monica: (on phone) Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me, I-I dialed your number by mistake. (listens) Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know how it is, it's that.... Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about? Monica: (on phone) Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my message. I mean that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with this? Come on we're friends!! (Michelle hangs up) That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her back. Ross: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Monica: Okay, fine. (runs to her room) Chandler: They got a phone in there, right? Phoebe: Okay, we're on it. We're on it. (Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt) Ross: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um. Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo. Ross: You're not going to go. Rachel: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence. Ross: How, how, um how can you not be going? Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going. Ross: Um, you know, just out of curiosity... Rachel: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood. Ross: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled. Rachel: It's fine. Ross: No, but, your-your mad. Rachel: I'm not mad. Ross: No. Rachel: I'm just not going. Ross: Your not going. Rachel: Right. Ross: Okay. You know that I-I have to go. Rachel: Um, hum. Ross: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your upset.' Rachel: No. Ross: No, because your not upset. Rachel: Right. Ross: About the yelling. Rachel: Right, and the humiliating. Ross: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay. Rachel: Um, hum. Ross: We're good. Rachel: Right. Ross: Okay. Honey? Rachel: Yes, Ross. (turns toward him) Ross: I love you. (goes to kiss her and she turns away.) Phoebe: (yelling from the bedroom) Get away from that! No! (she comes into the living room carrying the phone) She's just getting dressed. Chandler: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that? (Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes) Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!! Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando... Chandler: Oooo-ooh! Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges) Ross: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up to here with you two! Neither you can come to the party! Chandler: Jeez, what a baby. Joey: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed. Ross: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there. Joey: You could drink the fat. Ross: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation. Rachel: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting. Ross: What? Rachel: I think you should drink the fat. Joey: Yaaaay! Ross: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I want you there. Then that's what I'll do. Phoebe: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's been sitting out. Ross: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. (starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just before he starts drinking) Rachel: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go! Ross: You will?! Rachel: You were really gonna do that, weren't you? Ross: Well, yeah. Rachel: You were gonna drink the fat. Joey: Let's see what else he'll do! Ross: (to Joey) How 'bout instead you, go get changed! (to Chandler) You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica! (Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging as he is walking) Chandler: Stop it. Stop it! (Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the phone) Phoebe: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no! Richard: (on machine) Hi, this is Richard. Machine: You have three new messages. Monica: Not any more! Machine: Message erased. To record a message begin speaking at the tone. Monica: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and um, you know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can forget the whole thing. Okay, bye. Machine: Your outgoing message has now been changed. Monica: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!! Monica: (on machine) "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!! Phoebe: How did you do that? Monica: I don't know! Machine: Good-bye. Monica: Noooo!!!! Ross: (entering) Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go! Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number. Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself. Ross: Rachel!! (she enters) Wow! You, uh, you look, wow! Rachel: And I still have about five seconds to spare. (kisses him) Okay, that was about seven seconds. Ross: So we're a little late. Rachel: Come on. (they start to leave) Oh! And, uh, by the way.... Ross: What? Rachel: I'm going commando, too. Ross: Awwww!!! Closing Credits [Scene: At the banquet] Sherman Whitfield: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute. Ross: Wow! What a pleasure. Whitfield: (sits down) Well, I have to tell you, I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written. Chandler: Excuse me. Hi. Whitfield: Yes? Chandler: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat. Whitfield: What do you mean, your seat? Chandler: I mean, I was sitting there. Whitfield: But, you got up! Chandler: But, I never left the room! Whitfield: But, you left the chair area. Chandler: All right, that's it, give me your underwear. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x02 - The One Where No-one's Ready"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting reading a book and hears the bed in Joey's room creaking, and does a 'Oh no, not again' look on his face.] Joey: (from bedroom) WHOAA!! Chandler: (going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering] Monica: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning. Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning? Monica: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale. Rachel: I didn't know there were docks. [Joey and Chandler enter] Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Ross: Aww, is it broken? Joey: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks. (points to the sling he is wearing) Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed? Joey: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out. Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just fell out of the socket. Joey: What is this? Fruit? Rachel: Monica's making jam. Joey: Whoa, jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey, how come we never have jam at our place? Chandler: Because the kids need new shoes. Monica: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam. (sees Joey trying some jam from the pot) Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot. (Joey realizes this and spits what he had in his mouth back into the pot.) Joey: This will just be my batch. [Scene: Street, Phoebe is being followed by some guy, as they pass a flower vendor. Phoebe turns around and the guy quickly picks up some flowers and continues following her.] Phoebe: (turns around) Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you. Guy: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters.... Phoebe: What? Guy: One more chance Ursula, please? Phoebe: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward. Guy: Wh.. Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously. Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus! Phoebe: Oh, you're not a dingus. Guy: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones. Phoebe: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay. Guy: Well thanks. (starts to leave) Phoebe: Wait, (grabs him) you know what, I got a little story. When I was in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying? Guy: Not really. Phoebe: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you just seem to be a really nice guy, you know. Don't be so hard on yourself okay. Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice. Here (gives her the flowers he bought.) Phoebe: Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a cup of coffee? Guy: Yeah, okay. Phoebe: Okay. (they start to leave, he is still following her) Okay, you don't have to walk behind me any more. Guy: Sorry. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering] Rachel: Mon? Ross: Mon? Rachel: (reading) 'Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.' Ross: Wait a minute, look. Rachel: What? Ross: Look, look, look. Rachel: What, what, what? Ross: It's an empty apartment. Rachel: Oooh. Ross: We're all alone in an empty apartment. Rachel: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes (Ross starts kissing her neck) Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything. (they fall onto the couch) (Chandler enters and they both jump up and pretend that Ross is showing her something in the couch.) Ross: There it is. Rachel: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. (to Chandler) Hey. Ross: Hey. Chandler: Do I look fat? Ross and Rachel: Noo. Chandler: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow. Rachel: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it. Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her.... Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter? Rachel: Nooo! Ross: And it works both ways. Chandler: Okay, so you both just know this stuff? Rachel: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on. Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do? Chandler: That's easy, baggage claim. Ross: (buzzes) Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her. Chandler: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something. Rachel: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. (Chandler makes an 'Ewww' face) Okay, I'm late for work. Ross: Oh. Rachel: All right are you guys gonna come down? Ross: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you. Rachel: Good luck Chandler. Chandler: Thank you Rachel. Ross: Bye sweetie. Rachel: Bye hon. Ross: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do. Chandler: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers. Ross: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. (they sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Okay, you're in bed... Chandler: Yeah. (they both notice where his hands are) Ross: I'm gonna use the cushion. Chandler: Yeah. Ross: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her (demonstrates on the cushion) and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you. Chandler: Okay, the old hug and roll. Ross: Yep. Chandler: Okay, one question. Ross: sh**t. Chandler: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right? [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is putting jam on his muffin, lots of jam] Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon? Rachel: (Looks at him) You're so pretty. Phoebe: (entering) Hi! All: Hey, Phoebe. Phoebe: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today. Joey: (with food in his mouth) You talked to him. Are you crazy? Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order. Chandler: Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom. Phoebe: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this, this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he's so cute. Ross: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your sister's stalker. Phoebe: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you know, like I did for Joey after he went out with her. Joey: (with his mouthful) Hey, I didn't stalk her. I mean (he sprays Phoebe with crumbs) Phoebe: Okay, I asked for the news, not the weather. Monica: (entering) Hey guys. All: Hey Mon. Monica: Joey, this is for you. (gives him a jar of jam) It's blackberry curin. Joey: Aww. (tastes it) Ohh! Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand) Joey: Put your hands together. Monica: Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch. Joey: No more jam?! Rachel: Well, what happened to your jam plan? Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies. Chandler: Well, your gonna need much bigger jars. Ross: What are you talking about? Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby. Ross: What? Rachel: Are you serious? Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan. Ross: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad! Monica: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid. Chandler: That, that's what's stupid. Monica: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff. Rachel: Down at the docks again? [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Janice and him are cuddling] Janice: Night-night Bing-a-ling. Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.) Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, Malcom is giving Phoebe all of his spy stuff] Malcom: Here's my binoculars. Phoebe: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going. Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun. Phoebe: Oh, yeah. What's this? (picks up a book) Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it? Phoebe: Um, not even a little bit. Malcom: It's about you. Phoebe: Oh, okay then. Malcom: (reading) I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me eventhough I'm such a loser. And, then when I was walking home I thought about her a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool. Phoebe: Good. So what were you thinking? Malcom: I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you. Phoebe: Really? Malcom: No. Phoebe: Oh. Malcom: See that's just something I said now, so that maybe I could kiss you. Phoebe: Oh, okay. (he kisses her) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating jam straight out of the jar, and Chandler is staring at him in amazement. Joey offers him some.] Chandler: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard. Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis. Chandler: You mean there's more than one of us. Ross: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if you do this, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna..... Monica: You're gonna what? Ross: I'm gonna tell Mom. Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy. Ross: Crazy. Monica: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to something.... Ross: (interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal way... Monica: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know? Joey: Check it out!! Jam crackers! Monica: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. (they all turn and look at Joey) Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks, rule!' Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule! Monica: Joey, this is you! Joey: Let me see. (goes over and looks at the form) Oh, right. Rachel: When did you go to a sperm bank? Joey: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. (to Chandler) Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday? Chandler: And that's how you bought it? Joey: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left. Monica: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here. Joey: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little. Phoebe: (entering) Hellooo! All: Hey. Ross: How's the maniac? Phoebe: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'. Rachel: Phoebe, what are you doing? Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into that stuff anymore. He quit for me. Rachel: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for God knows how long, okay, you don't just give up something like that. Phoebe: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything. Ross: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles? Phoebe: What, he's not still following her. Do you think he is still following her? Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order. Phoebe: What are you saying I should do? Monica: I think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him. Phoebe: Thank you, Monica. Joey: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes. Monica: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine. [Scene: Central Perk] Rachel: Oh my God, what happened? (points to the cast on Janice's wrist) Janice: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed! Rachel: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun. Janice: Oh, (laughs) I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing. Rachel: (turns around, not amused) Ross's what? Janice: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my....God. [Scene: Subway station, Phoebe is following Malcom by finding behind the pillars until she comes up to one with a wire mesh garbage can next to it. Malcom stops and starts walking the other way and passes Phoebe, who quick tries to hide behind the garbage can. But, Malcom sees her.] Malcom: Phoebe? Phoebe: Yes? Yes! Oh. Malcom: What are you doing? Phoebe: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich. Oh, here it is! Oh. (picks one up out of the garbage can.) Malcom: Were you following me? Phoebe: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister. Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar) Phoebe: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train? Malcom: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic. Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch. Malcom: Uh-huh, I don't know. Phoebe: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna go? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering] Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Joey: Where you going? Monica: To the bank. Joey: Sperm or regular? Monica: Sperm. Joey: So you're really doing this, huh? Monica: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135. Joey: Sounds nice. Monica: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes... Joey: No kiddin', hmm. Monica: What? Joey: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy. Monica: Really? Why? Joey: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name like.... Hoyt. Monica: Hoyt? Joey: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with a big pool. Monica: Really, is he a swimmer? Joey: He's got the body for it. Monica: I like that. (Joey starts laughing) What? Joey: You guys have one of those signs that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you know. Monica: We do not have one of those signs. Joey: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great kids. Monica: Two girls and a boy? Joey: Yeah! Monica: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them. Joey: Sure! (Monica gets very depressed) But hey, you know this way sounds good too. Monica: Yeah. Joey: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and stops hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, (sees Monica) for like a day. (hugs her again). Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is finishing off the last of the jam] Joey: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it (tries to drink the rest of the jam out of the jar and gets it all over his face, on his chin, nose, etc.) Maybe if they met me in person. Rachel: Honey, you got a little thing on your...(points to her whole face) Joey: (wipes a little jam from the corner of his mouth) Did I get it? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: (entering) Hello. Rachel: Hello. Ross: (sees Joey) Hey. (walks into the living room) Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second? Chandler: Sure. What's up? Ross: Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something your already familiar with, uh, women talk! (smacks Chandler over the head with a magazine) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x03 - The One With the Jam"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Alexa Junge Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen Scene: Monica and Rachel's: everyone is there and they are watching an info-mercial that stars Joey.] HOST: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries! PHOEBE: Oh, oh! It's on again! JOEY: You guys, can we please not watch this all right. ALL: Shhhh! HOST: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open. JOEY: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way! MIKE: And there is Kevin. JOEY: Can we please turn this off? RACHEL: Noo way, Kevin. MIKE: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000. ROSS: (to Chandler) Are you intrigued? CHANDLER: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am! MIKE: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (to Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton. JOEY: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday. (they all start laughing at him) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Janice are sitting on the couch, and Phoebe is sitting next to them in the chair.] CHANDLER: Well, it's official there are no good movies. JANICE: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out. (they start to kiss and lean back into Monica.) MONICA: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, (turns sideways on the couch) so that you can bunny bump against my back. JOEY: (entering) Hey! PHOEBE: Hey. CHANDLER: Hey, man. What's up? JOEY: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?! CHANDLER: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me. PHOEBE: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! (they all stare at her) Okay, it was me! JOEY: How is it you? PHOEBE: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it. (shows him her hand) JOEY: Yep, that's my audition. MONICA: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere. PHOEBE: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play. JANICE: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment. JOEY: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance. PHOEBE: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault. JOEY: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents. PHOEBE: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, ooh (starts dialing). JOEY: What, what are you doing? What are you doing? PHOEBE: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. (on the phone in a different voice) 'Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.' JOEY: Hang up, hang up. (reaches with his good arm, but Phoebe grabs it and he tries to reach the phone with his other arm but can't because of the sling.) PHOEBE: (on phone) 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.' CHANDLER: Is anybody else scared? PHOEBE: (on phone) 'Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this audition, that is it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?' (to Monica) I need a pen. (Chandler hands her one, but she needs something to right on, so she tilts Chandler's head over and writes on the back of his neck) CHANDLER: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad! MONICA: Oh, now you want a pad. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben] CAROL and SUSAN: (entering) Hey!! ROSS: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi? CAROL: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it. SUSAN: He carries it everywhere, it's like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret. ROSS: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why, why does he have it, again? SUSAN: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show business. CAROL: This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he is being raised by two women, does it? ROSS: You know what it's fine. If you're okay with the Barbi thing, so am I. (cut to later in the day) ROSS: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? (makes a monster truck sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder? (squawks like a dinosaur) RACHEL: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't your son just play with his doll? (uses the Milk Master 2000 to pour milk into her cereal) MONICA: (entering from her bedroom) I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob? JOEY: I love that movie. (Joey is using it as a pillow) MONICA: There it is. Joey, what are you doing? JOEY: I'm sorry, it just felt nice. CHANDLER: (entering with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe! Answer the phone. JOEY: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater. CHANDLER: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. (phone stops ringing) Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight. RACHEL: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see Janice? CHANDLER: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes. ROSS: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata? CHANDLER: Noo. ROSS: You didn't want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to you. CHANDLER: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!' RACHEL: Men are unbelievable. MONICA: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute you start to feel something, you have to run away? CHANDLER: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid. MONICA: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you. JOEY: Hey, you know about that?! CHANDLER: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side! (Joey looks quizzically at Ross) ROSS: (to Joey) Where there is no fear of commitment. CHANDLER: Do we have any...(turns around and bumps Monica's fake chest) Do we have any thoughts here? JOEY: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. It have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! If you're afraid of bugs.....get a bug. Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was. RACHEL: Amazingly, that makes sense. CHANDLER: You think? JOEY: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gn, pee into the wind! CHANDLER: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gn, I'm pretty much peeing every which way. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's beeper is going off] PHOEBE: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again? RACHEL: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and pretend agents. JOEY: Come on baby, come on! PHOEBE: (on phone, in 'Katelynn's' voice) 'Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you through.' RACHEL: Very nice touch. PHOEBE: (in voice, on phone) 'Okay, go ahead.' (in normal voice on phone) Um, hi Annie. (listens) Fantastic! (to Joey) You got it. (on phone) Oh, okay, um, 'Will he work for scale?' you ask me. Well, I don't know about that, (Joey clears his throat to signify yes) except that I do and he will. Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I would love to have lunch with you, how about we have lunch next....(hangs up phone) Op, went through a tunnel. RACHEL: Unbelievable. JOEY: Thank you so much. PHOEBE: It was really fun, I mean I've never talked on a car phone before. JOEY: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see there's this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in. PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time. JOEY: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well actually it's two. PHOEBE: Two? JOEY: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're so good at it. I love you. PHOEBE: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right JOEY: Nooo, four. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Janice are having dinner] JANICE: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight? CHANDLER: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this. (hands her a present) JANICE: Ohhh, are you a puppy! (opens it) Contact paper! I never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper. CHANDLER: Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. (gives her a drawer) See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser. JANICE: Oh, you didn't have to do this. CHANDLER: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get. JANICE: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer. CHANDLER: Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip. JANICE: We should? CHANDLER: Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents! JANICE: (laughs) I don't think we need to, because you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay? CHANDLER: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay. JANICE: You probably want us to move in together? CHANDLER: It doesn't scare me! JANICE: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden you're talking about moving in together. And, and I wasn't even that hungry. You know what, it's getting a little late, and I-I should just, um...(starts to leave) CHANDLER: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls Janice to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. (runs out the door) COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are comforting Chandler] RACHEL: Honey, this will help. (hands him a tub of ice cream) CHANDLER: So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down. RACHEL and MONICA: Uff. MONICA: That is never good. CHANDLER: Then I got all needy and clingy. RACHEL: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it? CHANDLER: She said she'd call me. RACHEL and MONICA: Ohh! (both grab there stomachs in pain) CHANDLER: Oh God. MONICA: Welcome to our side of the tunnel. CHANDLER: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way. RACHEL: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those really terminal cases. MONICA: You know, when you start get screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat. RACHEL: Yeah, you do. CHANDLER: So, you don't think I'm terminal? MONICA: Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal, you just, you just need some damage control. CHANDLER: Okay, okay. So, should I call her? RACHEL and MONICA: Nooo! RACHEL: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want her back you have to start acting aloof. MONICA: She has to know that your not ready. RACHEL: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof. CHANDLER: So I'm not, not gonna lose her? RACHEL: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser. CHANDLER: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?' RACHEL: Oh. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying to get Ben to play with something other than the Barbi doll.] ROSS: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. (singing) 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi. RACHEL: G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that? JOEY: (entering) G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play? ROSS: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas! JOEY and ROSS: Go Joe!!! PHOEBE: (entering) Helloo! Oh! (sees Joey and starts to leave) JOEY: Pheebs! There you are! PHOEBE: No it's not, sorry. JOEY: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe! (catches her in the hallway) PHOEBE: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't recognize you wearing, in those....pants. JOEY: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I got a sht at it. PHOEBE: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. JOEY: It's okay, these things happen. PHOEBE: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that. JOEY: I'm, I'm okay. See. (tries to smile, but fails horribly) PHOEBE: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit. JOEY: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally. PHOEBE: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent. JOEY: They actually said that? PHOEBE: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! See I can't do this job! I... JOEY: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I can use this. (in a very bad Italian accent) I canna work on a new accent. PHOEBE: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah. ROSS: (running into the hall, in slow motion) You'll never get me, Joe!!! (he then pretends that he gets sht repeatedly and falls back against Joey and Chandler's door, dad.) [Scene: A grocery store that Janice shops in. Chandler is on purpose, accidentally bumping into her.] JANICE: (to butcher) No, thank you. (Chandler makes a sound and she notices him) Chandler! CHANDLER: (in a British accent) Hello, Janice. JANICE: What are you doing here? CHANDLER: (in accent) Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been? JANICE: Are you being British?! CHANDLER: (normal voice) No. Not anymore. JANICE: Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me? CHANDLER: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party. (grabs a bag off of the shelf) JANICE: Barley? What kind of party serves barley? CHANDLER: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours. JANICE: Where is this party? CHANDLER: Here in Chelsea. JANICE: Who's party is it? CHANDLER: A woman's JANICE: What woman?! CHANDLER: (shyly) Chelsea. JANICE: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you're seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're pretending that you're seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do you want to be? (another guy walks by) CHANDLER: Can I be that guy? [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are there] PHOEBE: Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on. JOEY: Okay, sht. PHOEBE: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial. JOEY: I didn't get it? PHOEBE: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can work on that. JOEY: Okay, what else? PHOEBE: Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb'. JOEY: Oh. PHOEBE: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty dumb.' JOEY: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna have to go back to Estelle. PHOEBE: Oh. JOEY: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a better agent than she is, but at least with her I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out. PHOEBE: Yeah, no, I understand. JOEY: You do, thanks. PHOEBE: Yeah. Sorry. (she starts to leave) JOEY: Wait a minute. PHOEBE: What? JOEY: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent. PHOEBE: (in a coy tone) Oh, you caught me. I am so busted. JOEY: (in a really, really bad Italian accent) That's-ah what I suspected-ah. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is laying on the counter and Rachel and Monica are comforting him again.] CHANDLER: ....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store. MONICA: My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'. CHANDLER: I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right? RACHEL: Yeah, it is. MONICA: You know what, everything's gonna be okay. (phone rings) CHANDLER: (answering phone) Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. (to Monica and Rachel) Okay, what do I do? RACHEL: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented. MONICA: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would never call. RACHEL: Yeah. CHANDLER: Hello! MONICA: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy. RACHEL: Yes, and grumpy. CHANDLER: What are you, stop naming dwarves! (on phone) Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you, and I just got...stupid, and, and scared, and....stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. (listens) Really?! (listens) Really?! RACHEL: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now. CHANDLER: (on phone) I love you too. MONICA: Aw, it's soo unfair. (they both start digging into the 'good' ice cream) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are picking up Ben, while Monica is pouring chocolate syrup, lots of it, into her ice cream.] CAROL: G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?! ROSS: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the doll he chose. SUSAN: What'd you do, dip it in sugar? ROSS: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.' MONICA: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman. ROSS: What? MONICA: Well, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time. ROSS: What are you talking about? MONICA: The big hat, the pearls, the little pick handbag. ROSS: Okay, you are totally making this up. MONICA: How can you not remember? You made us call you...Bea. ROSS: (remembering) Oh God. SUSAN: I've literally never been this happy. MONICA: Wasn't there a little song? CAROL: Oh please God, let there be a song. ROSS: There was no song. (to Monica) There was no song! MONICA: (singing) 'I am Bea.' ROSS: Okay. MONICA: 'I drink tea.' ROSS: Okay, that's, that's enough. (retreats to the bathroom) MONICA: '....Won't you, won't you, won't you.... ' ROSS: (coming out of the bathroom) Won't you dance around with me. MONICA: A-ha!!! (they all start laughing, as Ross hides in the bathroom) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: It's an old home movie of the Geller's backyard, young Ross is dressed up as Bea, and pouring himself/herself some tea.] YOUNG ROSS: (singing) 'I am Bea. I drink tea. Won't you dance around with....' (spills some tea and it drips onto his/her dress) Ohhh! (runs away crying) YOUNG MONICA: (entering the sht) Ross!!! (starts to wipe up the spill) END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x04 - The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldnerg-Meehan. Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, there is lumber all over the apartment] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off? Joey: No. Y'know how we’re always saying we need a place for the mail. Chandler: Yeah! Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step. Chandler: You’re building a post office? Joey: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. It’s a one day job, max. Chandler: Okay. (notices that Joey is wearing some really tight jeans) My word! Those are snug. Joey: Oh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio Valente’s. (Chandler goes to his bedroom and opens the door. However, only the top half opens, and he trips into his bedroom over the bottom half.) Joey: Power saw kinda got away from me there. Opening Credits [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is pacing back and forth waiting for someone.] Rachel: (joining Phoebe outside) Hey Pheebs. Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Any sign of your brother? Phoebe: No, but he’s always late. Rachel: I thought you only met him once? Phoebe: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know, ‘Frank’s always late.’ Rachel: Well relax, he’ll be here. Phoebe: No, I know, I’m just nervous. Y'know it’s just y'know Mom’s dad, don’t talk to my sister, Grandma’s been sleeping a lot lately. It’s like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You’re so sweet to wait with me. Rachel: Well, actually gn sent me. You’re not allowed to have cups out here, it’s a thing. (takes her cup and goes back inside) [Scene: inside Central Perk] Chandler: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute? Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox. Chandler: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list. Joey: Her what? Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can’t get mad. Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities. Monica: So, Chandler, who’s on your list? Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit. Rachel: Now, you do realize that she’s a cartoon, and way out of your league? Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head. Joey: Hey, Monica, who would yours be? Monica: First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have a list. Joey: It’s just a game Mon. (makes a ‘Can-you-believe-her’ face to the rest of the gng.) Rach, how about you? Rachel: Oh, I don’t know, I guess, Chris O’Donnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson. Ross: Spiderman? Rachel: Hardy Boy. Chandler: Peter Parker. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: What about you honey, who would be on your list? Ross: Well I-I-I, that kind of thing requires some serious thought. First, I’ll divide my perspective canidates into catergories.... Chandler: (coughing) What a geek! Phoebe: (entering) Everbody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank. All: Oh, hi. Phoebe: This is everybody. This is Ross. Frank: How are you? Ross: Hey. Phoebe: Chandler. Chandler: Hi. Frank: Hi. Phoebe: Joey. Joey: Hey-hey! Frank: Hey. Phoebe: This is Monica. Frank: Whoa! Phoebe: And this is Rachel. Rachel: Hi! Frank: Whoa!! Phoebe: I’m gonna get coffee. Frank: Hey, how do you guys get anything done? Chandler: We don’t, really. Rachel: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans? Phoebe: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we’re gonna connect, y'know bond, and everything. Frank: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker. Chandler: You know, we don’t really take advantage of living in the city. Joey: I know. [Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey is drilling a hole in the wall and the drill comes out the other side really close to Chandler’s head. Chandler then rushes out to talk to Joey.] Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I get ‘ya? Chandler: No, you didn’t get me!! It’s an electric drill, you get me, you kll me!! Joey: Calm down, do you want this unit or not? Chandler: I do NOT want this unit!! Joey: Well, you should’ve told me that before, I’m not a mind reader. Hey, we’re out of beer. I’m going to Monica’s. Chandler: Fine! (goes into his room and slams the door, then he slams the bottom half of the door.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Joey is entering] Monica: Hey! Where ‘ya headin’ in those pants? 1982? Joey: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor. Monica: Why, what’s wrong with my bathroom floor? Joey: Nothing. It’s just old and dingy, that’s all. Monica: I highly doubt that. (they both go to the bathroom) Joey: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. (Monica gasps) Yeah. Monica: I can’t live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? Joey: Relax. Here hold this (hands her his beer). This old stuff just comes right off. (he bends down to try and lift some tile right in the middle of the floor, in his tight pants.) Monica: That’s a little more than I wanted to see. Joey: (manages to pry off only a small piece) Aw! Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. It’d take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should just leave it. (starts to walk away, but Monica grabs him) Monica: I can’t leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor. (Joey places the toliet brush and holder over the hole, which is in the middle of the floor.) Joey: Eh! There you go. Monica: You know that’s nice, y'know we could put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon! [Scene: Phoebe’s, Frank and her, are sitting on the counh, watching TV] Phoebe: (sits up) Oh, ew! Frank: What? Phoebe: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and my Mom couldn’t, and I thought y'know, I figured that was something I got from our Dad. Frank: What, wait, you mean like this? (does it) Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to. (tries to do it, but can’t) Frank: Your not doing it. Phoebe: Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could, and I can’t. We don’t have that.... Frank: When’s your birthday? Phoebe: Feburary 16th. Frank: I know a guy who’s the 18th. Phoebe: Wow, that’s close. When’s yours? Frank: October 25th. Phoebe: That’s the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home? Frank: Melt stuff. [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is working on his list] Ross: Okay, I’ve got three of my five. Rachel: Three of your five, what? Ross: Celebrities I’m allowed to sleep with. Rachel: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought. Ross: Yeah, it’s hard okay, I only have two spots left. Chandler: All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to? Ross: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely.... Chandler: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving. Ross: Susan Sarandon. Chandler: Eh, y'know what, she’s to political, she probably wouldn’t let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first. Ross: And!! Isabella Rosselini. Chandler: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she’s too international, y'know she’s never gonna be around. Rachel: So? Chandler: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who’s gonna be in the country like all the time. Rachel: Yeah, ‘cause that’s why you won’t get Isabella Rosselini, geography. [Scene: Phoebe’s, Frank is melting a plastic spoon.] Phoebe: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting. Frank: Yeah. Phoebe: So is it like art? Frank: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone? Phoebe: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom? Frank: No, I wanna melt it. Phoebe: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I’m just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache. Frank: (starts laughing) Yeah! Phoebe: G’night, bro. Frank: G’night. Phoebe: Here. (gives him a fre extinguisher) Y'know, just in case. Frank: Oh, excellent. (starts to melt the fre extinguisher’s hose.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is eating breakfast with Monica while Frank is playing with num-chucks on the balcony] Monica: What kind of karate is that? Phoebe: No kind. He just makes it up. Monica: So how’s it going with you guys? Phoebe: So far, it kinda blows. I don’t know, I just thought y'know that he’d feel more like a brother y'know, like you and Ross, just like close and connected and.... Monica: Oh honey, we’re close now but you-you wouldn’t believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and....(Phoebe shakes her head like she doesn’t understand) That’s where the waistband actually goes over your head. Phoebe: Ah!! Monica: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game. Phoebe: Oh, how do you play the shadow game? Monica: Oh, how do you play the shadow game? Phoebe: I just asked you. Monica: I just asked you. Phoebe: I don’t have time for this. Monica: No, that is what the game is. Phoebe: Which you just gave up really quickly. Chandler: (entering) Have you seen Joey? Monica: What’s the matter? Chandler: Oh, just this! (turns around and has a paint lid stuck to the back of his pants.) Y’know what it’s my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish. Joey: (yelling from bathroom) Hey, does somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles. Chandler: What’s going on? Monica: He’s retiling my floor. (they both run to the bathroom) Chandler: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up! Monica: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will finish it. Chandler: He started mine first! Phoebe: Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly. [Scene: Phoebe’s, Phoebe and Frank are watching TV.] Frank: Whoa! Big octopus. Phoebe: Yeah. (phone rings and Phoebe answers it) ‘Hello. (listens) Oh my God, I totally forgot! (listens) Well can’t someone else do it. (listens) But, I have company. (listens) Yeah, no look, that’s all right I’ll come in.’ (hangs up phone) Um, Frank, I’m really sorry but I have to go to work. It’s-it’s one of my regulars and he’s insisting that I do ‘um. Frank: Hey, what kind of work do you do? Phoebe: Oh! I’m a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff. Frank: You-you work at one of those massage parlors? Phoebe: Well, y'know we don’t call it that, but yeah! Frank: (starts laughing) Wow! That’s wild! No, I had no idea. Phoebe: All righty. I’ll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me? Frank: You mean like watch? Phoebe: No, no, you can get one yourself. It’ll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for? Frank: Well, I don’t think this, y'know. Phoebe: No, no, no, I wouldn’t do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I’ll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited? Frank: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there? [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s bathroom, Joey and Monica are admiring the new floor.] Monica: It’s beautiful! It’s like the first bathroom floor there ever was. (Chandler tries to go to the bathroom) Whoa! Are you going in there for? Chandler: What, like a number? Ross: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hi! Bye! (runs to the bathroom) Ross: Okay, I’m done with my choices, these are final. (holds up a little card) Rachel: Well, it’s about time. Joey: Ooh, very official. Ross: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer. Monica: And who laminated it? Ross: That would be me. Rachel: All right let me see. (grabs the card) Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel? Ross: Hey, it’s my list. Rachel: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice. [Scene: Healing Hands Inc. (Phoebe’s work), Frank is being ushered in, by the arm, to the room Phoebe is in by another girl.] Frank: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, ow! Phoebe: Hey!-Hey! What’s going on? Frank: She broke my arm. Girl: He touched my fanny. Frank: No, she touched mine first! Girl: That’s my job! Frank: So wait, what’s the deal here, I can have sex with you, but I can’t touch you? Phoebe and Girl: Ewww!!! Phoebe: You can’t have sex with her! Girl: What’d you think I was, a hooker? Frank: No, your a masseuse, it’s cool, I’m not a cop. Phoebe: Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler if he can wait for like five minutes. Jasmine: Fine. (starts to leave, and points at Frank) I don’t like you!! (leaves) Phoebe: (turns around and hits Frank) So that’s what you thought I did!! God! That’s not what I do! Frank: Wait that’s-that’s, what that’s not what you do? Phoebe: Nooo! Why would you think that? Frank: I don’t know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, I just, I mean, I don’t know. Phoebe: Whatever, it’s the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways. Frank: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can’t believe that I screwed it up so bad. Phoebe: You really thought it was perfect? Frank: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn’t perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, ‘cause we had all those great talks y'know. Phoebe: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you? Frank: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes... Phoebe: I don’t.... Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn’t melt. Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm. Frank: Yeah, y'know I feel like I can really talk to you ‘cause y'know you’re my sister, y'know. Phoebe: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah. Frank: Then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me. Phoebe: Well, I-I wasn’t hopping mad, y'know. Frank: You hopped a little bit. Yeah, I really sorry. Phoebe: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now, this. Frank: This? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Frank: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we found ninja stars, I almost got arm broken by a hooker... Phoebe: She wasn’t a hooker. Frank: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be. [Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, everyone is there, helping to lift the entertainment center into place] Chandler: Okay, on three. One....Two.... Joey: Why don’t we just go on two. Chandler: Why two? Joey: Because it’s faster. Chandler: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this ‘two’ talk. Rachel: Oh! Joey: All right, but in the future... Ross: Okay!! Okay!! Rachel: Come on! Ross: Heavy thing, not getting lighter! Chandler: Okay, one...two... Joey: So we are going on two? All: All right!! (they lift it into place, however there is one small problem, the unit is so long that it blocks some of both of their bedroom doors.) Chandler: Oh, good job Joe. Joey: Wow, it’s big! Chandler: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller! Joey: Maybe, my ruler’s wrong. Phoebe: Maybe all the rulers are wrong. Joey: Look it’s not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door. Chandler: Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea. How-how ‘bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours? (throws his shoulder into the center to try and move it, but it doesn’t move.) Joey: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still wet. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving some guy coffee.] Rachel: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? (the guy nods) Okay, great. (she starts to walk away and under her breath) You freak. (Isabella Rosselini enters) Ross: (to gn) Thank you. Isabella: (to gn) Um, coffee to go, please. (Ross recognises her and goes over to the couch, mouthing ‘Oh my God’ Ross: Isabella Rosselini. (points to her) Monica: Are you serious? (they all look) Oh my God. Ross: Damn! I can’t believe I took her off my list. Monica: Why? ‘Cause otherwise you’d go for it? Ross: Yeah, maybe. Rachel: Oh-oh, you lie. Ross: What you don’t think I’d go up to her? Rachel: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me. Ross: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated. Rachel: You know what honey, you go ahead, we’ll call her an alternate. Ross: Okay, hold my crawler. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this? Rachel: Honey, he’s about to go ht on Isabella Rosselini. I’m just sorry we don’t got popcorn. Ross: (to Isabella) Hi! Hi, I’m Ross, you don’t know me, but I’m a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee? (gn hands her change) Or maybe reimburse you for that one? Isabella: Aren’t you with that girl over there? (points at Rachel, who waves back) Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that’s okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, (gets his out) so I’m allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it’s flattery. Isabella: I’m sorry. (starts to leave) Ross: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don’t, don’t just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity... Isabella: Yeah, for you. Is that the list? Ross: Um, yeah. Isabella: May I see it? Ross: Um, no. Isabella: Come on! (grabs the list) Ross: But, okay. Isabella: (reading it) I’m not on the list! Ross: Um, see, but that’s not the final draft. Isabella: It’s laminated! Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler (Chandler waves) brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local. Isabella: Y'know it’s ironic... Ross: What? Isabella: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there. (points at a guy and leaves) Ross: (to the rest of the g*ng) We’re just gonna be friends. Closing Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, they are admiring the entertainment center] Joey: Y'know what? Chandler: Umm? Joey: I bet ‘ya ya I could fit in there. (points to a hole in the center) Chandler: I’ve got five bucks says you can’t. Joey: Get out your checkbook, mister. Chandler: Oh, I think I have the cash. (Joey successfully enters the entertainment center, and Chandler closes the door on Joey.) Joey: You are dogged man! I totally fit! Chandler: Yeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and puts it through the handles so that the doors won’t open) I’m out five big ones! (puts the money in the crack between the door and frame) Here you go. Joey: Thank you. Cha-ching! (Chandler starts to leave) Oh, well hello Mr. Lincoln. Better luck next time buddy. (Chandler leaves and closes the door) And the drinks are on me! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x05 - The One With Frank Jr."}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: Eric Aasen {Transcriber's Note: Rachel has two friends that are not named, so I referred to them as Friend No. 1 and Friend No. 2.} [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gng is there including Janice.] Janice: Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you? Phoebe: Wow, it’s like a dirty math problem. Ross: I’m sorry the answer there would be...none of us. Janice: Come on over the years none of you ever y'know, got drunk and stupid. Joey: Well, that’s really a different question. Janice: I’m sorry I find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies. Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together. Monica and Rachel: What?!! Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time! Joey: Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go? Janice: Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has any of you ever.... almost? Rachel: Does anybody need more coffee? Ross: Yeah, I’ll take some. Joey: Hey, there’s a dog out there! Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Phoebe’s, three years earlier, Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are there] Phoebe: Oh, that is so unfortunate. Ross: What? Phoebe: Cute naked guy is really starting to put on weight. Monica: (entering from bedroom) Okay, I’ll be back in just a minute. Oh, Phoebe I’m sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone. Phoebe: You didn’t leave lipstick marks on the phone. Monica: Oh, then it must’ve been you. Bye. (leaves) Phoebe: (angrily) Bye-bye! (to Ross) That’s why I moved out. Ross: Hey, y'know while we’re on that, when are you gonna tell my sister that you don’t live here anymore. Phoebe: I think on some levels she already knows. Ross: Phoebe, she doesn’t know that you sneak out every night, she doesn’t know that you sneak back every morning, and she doesn’t know that you’ve been living with your Grandmother’s for a week now. Phoebe: Okay, well maybe not on those levels. Chandler: (entering, with a goatee) Hey. Ross: Hey. Chandler: I’m never gonna find a roommate, ever. Phoebe: Why, nobody good? Chandler: Well let’s see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that’s plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing! Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow? Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I’m not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone ‘Chandler Bing,’ he said ‘Whoa-whoa, short message.’ Monica: (entering) Ross (who has his foot on the coffee table), foot on the floor or come over no more! Ross: (to Phoebe) Sure, your dresser is missing but this she notices. Monica: What? Ross: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home by now, soo... Chandler: Umm, how’s it going with you guys? Ross: Oh, better, actually. Y'know I-I-I think I finally figured out why we were having so much trouble lately. Phoebe: Oh, really? Ross: Yeah, y'know how I have you guys, well she doesn’t really have any close friends that are just hers, but last week she meet this woman at the gym, Susan something, and they really ht it off, and I-I-I think it’s gonna make a difference [Scene: Chandler’s, Chandler is interviewing a potential roommate.] Chandler: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do? Eric: Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, I hope that’s cool. Chandler: Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know......never. Eric: Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most weekends at my sister’s beach house, which you are welcome to use by the way. Although, I should probably tell you, she’s a prn star. (Chandler breaks his pencil in half) Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think you’re chances are pretty good. (Eric offers to shake hands) All right. (Chandler hugs him.) [Scene: Chandler’s, Chandler is interviewing Joey.] Chandler: (running around the apartment pointing out things) Bedroom. Bathroom. Living room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, (opens door) Bye-bye. Joey: Don’t you ah, don’t you wanna ask me any questions? Chandler: Sure. Ummm. What’s up? Joey: Well, ah, I’m an actor. I’m fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV. Oh, and don’t worry I’m totally okay with the gay thing. Chandler: What gay thing? Joey: Ah, y'know just in general people being gay, thing. I’m totally cool with that. [Scene: the hallway, Monica is coming up the stairs.] Chandler: Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by. (Joey is leaving and notices Monica, as Monica notices him) Monica: Hi. Joey: Hey! (Joey leaves and Monica mouths to Chandler ‘Oh my God!’) [Scene: A bar, Chandler is entering.] Chandler: Hey, Mon. Monica: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear something that sucks. Chandler: Do I ever. Monica: Chris says they’re closing down the bar. Chandler: No way! Monica: Yeah, apparently they’re turning it into some kinda coffee place. Chandler: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now? Monica: Got me. Chandler: (to bartender) Can I get a beer. Monica: Hey, did you pick a roommate? Chandler: You betcha! Monica: Is it the Italian guy? Chandler: Um-mm, yeah right! Monica: He’s so cute. Chandler: Oh yes, and that’s what I want a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one. Monica: Oh look, the pool table’s free. Rack ‘em up. I’ll be back in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt. Chandler: Okay, but after that, we’re sht’ some pool. Rachel: (sitting at a table with some of her friends) (to waitress) Oh, um, no, no, no, no excuse me, hello. Hi. My friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I ordered a rum and Diet Coke, which I don’t think this is. Waitress: I am so sorry. Rachel: That’s all right. (to her friends) I mean hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh? Friend No. 1: Well, I would like to propose a toast to the woman, who in one year from today, become Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber DDS Rachel: Ummm, I think it’s time to see the ring again. (holds her hand out and they all scream) Friend No. 2: Oh, isn’t it exciting, I mean it’s like having a boyfriend for life. Rachel: Yeah, I know. Friend No. 1: What? Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. Well maybe it’s just the idea of Barry for the rest of my life. I don’t know I think I feel like I need to have one last fling, y'know, just to sorta get it out of my system. (Chandler is listening in very intensely) Friend No. 1: Rachel stop! Friend No. 2: You’re so bad! Rachel: I’m serious, I really, I think I need just to have some...meaningless, sex y'know, with the next guy that I see. (Chandler throws the cue ball under there table.) Chandler: Excuse, I seem to have dropped my ball. Rachel: Yeah, so? Chandler: (picks it up) And now I’ve picked it up again. (walks over to Monica.) Monica: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. (to Rachel) Rachel! Hi! Rachel: Monica! Look! Hi! What do ya think? (shows her, her ring) Monica: Oh my God, you can’t even see where the Titanic ht it. Rachel: Yes, his name is Barry, he’s a doctor, thank you very much. Monica: Awww, just like you always wanted. Congratulations Rachel: Thank you. So how-how ‘bout you, are-are you seeing anybody? Monica: Aww, not right now. Rachel: Oh, but that’s okay. Monica: I know. Rachel: Yeah. (An awkward silence) Monica: So, I’ll get-get back to my friend. Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. (points at Chandler, who holds up the cue ball as a ‘Remember me?’ thing) Listen, can we please have lunch the next time I’m in the city? Monica: Oh, that’d be great. Rachel: Okay! Monica: Thanks. Rachel: Bye! Monica: Bye! (to Chandler) Ten bucks says, I never see that woman again in my life. [Scene: Monica and Phoebe’s, Ross is on the phone, as Phoebe is walking by carrying a lamp.] Ross: No real-, honey, really it’s fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye Phoebe: So what are they doing? Ross: I don’t know, something girlie. Phoebe: (to Monica, who’s entering) Hey, you’re early. Monica: What are you doing with the lamp? Phoebe: I’m just taking it to be re-wired. Monica: Oh, well don’t take it to the same place you took the stereo, ‘cause they’ve had that thing for over a week. (There is a knock on the door, Phoebe answers it, its Mr. Heckles) Phoebe: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any noise up here. Mr. Heckles: You’re disturbing my oboe practice. Phoebe: You don’t play the oboe! Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe! Phoebe: Then I’m gonna have to ask you to keep it down. (slams the door in his face.) (in the hallway, Eric is moving in) Mr. Heckles: (to Eric) Who are you? Eric: Hi, I’m Eric, I’m gonna be Chandler’s new roommate. Mr. Heckles: I’m Chandler’s new roommate. Eric: I-I-I don’t think so. Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandler’s new roommate. Eric: But, he told me over the phone. Mr. Heckles: He told me in person. Eric: That’s weird. Mr. Heckles: Well, I’m going to go into my new apartment now. (goes over to the door and opens it) Ehh! (Eric leaves) (inside Chandler’s apartment, Chandler is coming in from his bedroom, sees Mr. Heckles, and screams.) [Scene: the hallway, Joey is moving in, Monica is leaving.] Monica: Hi, again. Joey: Hey! (goes into the apartment) Chandler: (leaving to go to work) Hey! Monica: Thank you soo, much. Chandler: Oh, don’t thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work. (Joey comes back into the hallway and starts to pick up a heavy box) Monica: You want some help with that? Joey: Oh, no thanks, I got it. (picks it up) No I don’t! Monica: Whoa! Are you okay? Joey: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head rush. Monica: It’s the heat. (has her hand on his chest, and then pulls it away) And-and the humidity. Joey: That’s a uh, that’s a tough combination. Monica: Do you wanna come in for some lemonade? Joey: Like you wouldn’t believe. (they go into the apartment) Wow! This is a great place. Monica: Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable. Joey: Gotcha. Monica: This place is really my Grandmother’s. (Joey starts to take off all of his clothes, while Monica gets the glasses and pours the lemonade.) I got it from her when she moved to Florida, otherwise I could never afford a place like this. So if the landlord ever asks, I’m 87 year old woman, who’s afraid of her VCR. So are you thirsty? Joey: Oh, you bet I am! Monica: (turning around) Okay, here’s your penis! Commercial Break [Scene: continued from earlier.] Monica: Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!! Joey: You said, you wanna come in for some lemonade? Monica: So?! Joey: Whoa, ah!! We’re you just gonna give me some lemonade? Monica: Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up! Joey: Oh right, right. Monica: I don’t believe this! When someone asks you in for lemonade, and to you that means they wanna have sex? Joey: Well usually...yeah! Well, not just lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice. Well, sorry, I just, I thought you liked me. I’m such a jerk. Monica: It’s okay. I suppose it could happen to anyone, not anyone I know, but... By the way I can still see it. [Scene: Monica and Phoebe’s, Monica is vacuuming.] Monica: Pheebs? Phoebe: Huh? Monica: Where’s your bed? Phoebe: It’s not in the apartment? (Monica gives a ‘Come on’ look) Oh no. I can’t believe this is happening again. Monica: What? Phoebe: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-I’ve, I don’t live here anymore. Monica: What are you talking about? Phoebe: I’m sorry, I-I-I-I don’t live here anymore. I-I didn’t know how to tell you, but y'know everybody else knows! Monica: Everybody knows! Phoebe: That was supposed to be a good thing, I forget why. Just listen, Monica, I, do you know, okay, do you know, I couldn’t sleep for like a month because I got like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions. Monica: Well, you-you coulda just turned the cushion over. Phoebe: Yeah, I would’ve except I had a big spaghetti stain on the other side. Monica: What?!?! Phoebe: Okay, this is what I’m talking about, this. I-I need to live in a land where people can spill. Monica: You can spill. In the sink. Phoebe: Aw, honey it’s not your fault, y'know this is who you are, and I love you, and I want us to be friends, and if I keep living here I don’t see that happening. Monica: I love you, too. Phoebe: Aww, good. (they hug) What? Monica: What? I’m just said. Phoebe: No you’re not, you’re wondering which cushion it is. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (now) Joey is watching Baywatch, as Chandler enters from his bedroom.] Chandler: So ah, whatcha watching? Joey: Baywatch. Chandler: What’s it about? Joey: Lifeguards. Chandler: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks at the TV) Who’s she? Joey: Nicole Eggert. You'll like her. (Baywatch goes into one of those running scenes.) Chandler: Wow! Look at them run. Joey: They do that a lot. Hey, you want a beer? Chandler: Yeah, I’ll go get one. Joey: No, no, no, don’t get up, I got a cooler right here. [Scene: Monica’s, Monica is coming out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, as Chandler is entering.] Chandler: Well, hello! Monica: Hey. Chandler: Do you have any beers? We’re out of beers. Monica: (all depressed) Help yourself. Chandler: You okay? Monica: Phoebe moved out. Chandler: Right. Monica: I don’t understand, I mean am I so hard to live, is this why I don’t have a boyfriend? Chandler: Noo!! You don’t have a boyfriend because....I don’t, I don’t know why you don’t have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend. Monica: Well, I think so. Chandler: Oh-ho, come here. (goes and hugs her) Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known in real life. [Scene: the bar, Ross is entering, Phoebe is at the bar, they are the only two in the place.] Ross: (all depressed) Hi. Where is everybody? Phoebe: Oh, it’s already closed, Chris gave me the keys to lock up-what is wrong? Ross: My marriage, I think my marriage is um, is kinda over. Phoebe: Oh no! Why? Ross: ‘Cause Carol’s a lesbian. (Phoebe is shocked) And, and I’m not one. And apparently it’s not a mix and match situation. Phoebe: Oh my God! I don’t believe it! Oh, you poor bunny. Ross: (sets out a bunch of sht glasses and starts to poor himself a drink, many drinks) I’m an idiot. I mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and I’d be out and she’d, she’d see some beautiful woman, and, and she’d be Ross y'know look at her, and I’d think, God, my wife is cool! Phoebe: Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover? Ross: Well, now I do!! Phoebe: I’m sorry. Ross: Seven years. I mean we’ve been together seven years, she’s the only woman who’s ever loved me, and the only woman I’ve-I’ve ever.... Phoebe: Aw, God Ross. Oh.(goes over and hugs him) [Scene: Monica’s, Chandler and Monica are still hugging each other.] Chandler: Umm, this is nice. Monica: I know, it is isn’t it? Chandler: No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton? Monica: Yeah! And I got it on sale, too. Chandler: Anyway, I should go, one of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device. Monica: Well, if you wanna get a drink later we can. Chandler: Oh yeah, that sounds great. (starts to leave) Oh, and listen, it’s, it’s gonna be.... Monica: I know. Thanks. (Chandler leaves) [Scene: the bar, Phoebe is still hugging Ross.] Ross: Maybe this would’ve happened if I’d been more nurturing, or I’d paid more attention, or I... had a uterus. I can’t believe this! Phoebe: I know no, no, y'know you don’t deserve this, you don’t Ross. You’re, you’re really, you’re so good. (kisses him on the cheek) Ross: Thanks. Phoebe: And you’re so sweet. (kisses him on the other cheek) And you’re kind (kisses him on the lips) Ross: Thanks. (kisses her on the lips) (They pause, and they the start kissing passionately, and taking off each others clothes, and they start to lie down on the pool table.) Ross: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Phoebe: Huh? (Ross tries to clear off the pool table by knocking the balls to the other end of the table, but they all bounce back, and he frantically starts to throw them into the pockets.) Phoebe: Okay, it’s okay. (Phoebe jumps on to the table and lays down, Ross follows her and hits his head on the light hanging over the pool table.) Phoebe: Oh. (they start kissing again) Ross: Wait, wait, wait. Phoebe: What? Ross: My foot is stuck in the pocket. Phoebe: What? Ross: No, I can’t get it out. Phoebe: Well, that’s not something a girl wants to hear. Ross: No, come on don’t start. (they start kissing again) Ouch! Phoebe: What? Ross: Stupid balls are in the way. (holds up two balls) (They both look at each other and start laughing (Lisa almost lost it there), and sit up. Ross hits his head on the lamp again.) Ross: Oh well. It probably would’ve been the most constructive solution. Phoebe: You have chalk on your face. Ross: Huh? (the rest of the gng enters) Phoebe: Oh, Ross you’re right, I don’t know why I always thought this was real grass. Monica: Hey, are you okay? Ross: My wife’s a lesbian. Joey: Cool!! Chandler: Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross. (they shake hands) Ross: Hi. Closing Credits [Scene: the bar, Chandler is playing pool, as Rachel enters.] Chandler: I can’t believe you came back. Rachel: Don’t say anything. I don’t wanna speak, I don’t wanna think. I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here, right now. (She hits the jukebox Fonzy style, and It’s That Time of Season starts to play, as they start to kiss.) Friend No. 2: Rachel! Rachel! (stirs Rachel from her dream, she’s in her car driving back from the city) Rachel: What? Friend No. 2: You missed the exit! Rachel: Oh, sorry. Friend No. 1: My God, what were you thinking about? Rachel: Um, (shyly) Barry. Her Friends: Awwww!! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x06 - The One With The Flashback"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gng is there, Ross is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of the gng are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.] Ross: So I told Carl, ‘Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.’ But of course this went in one ear and out..... Rachel: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he’s Alan Alda. Monica: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct? Chandler: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best. gn: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife. (Joey is singing in his head.) Phoebe: Who’s singing? Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gng is there including Janice, they’re watching Happy Days.] Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie. Monica: I was always Joanne. Joey: Question. Was ah, ‘Egg the Gellers!’ the wr cry of your neighbourhood? (A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice’s ex-husband, comes on TV.) Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It’s the Mattress King! Joey: Booo!! Chandler: (to Janice) Don’t look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel! Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine. Matress King: (on TV) ‘Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I’m so depressed I’m going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I’m going medieval on prices! Chandler: What a wank! Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he’s using our divorce to sell mattresses. Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. (they all stare at her) And I’m appalled for you by the way. Matress King: (on TV) I’m close. I’m cheap. I’m the king. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there except Joey.] Rachel: ‘Okay. (listens) Okay, daddy we’ll see you tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.’ (hangs up) Ross: We? Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that’s okay. Ross: Oh sht, tomorrow’s not so good, I’m supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry. Rachel: Ross, my father doesn’t hate you. Ross: Please, he refers to me as ‘wethead’. Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I’ll love you like I do in that black thing that you like. Chandler: (leaning in) I’ll go. Ross: Fine. Rachel: Thank you. Ross: Hi gn. gn: Yeah, we’ll see! Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Guess what? Ross: What? Joey: I got a gig! All: Yay!! Chandler: See, that’s why I could never be an actor. Because I can’t say gig. Phoebe: Yeah, I can’t say croissant. (realises) Oh my God! Monica: What’s the part? Joey: Well, it’s not a part, no. I’m teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension. Ross: Come on! That’s great. All: Wow! Joey: Yeah, yeah. It’s like my chance to give something back to the acting community. Ross: Y’know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students. Joey: (glares at him) I know! [Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new mattress.] Phoebe: Ugh! I don’t know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice’s ex-husband, that’s like betraying Chandler. Monica: Not at these prices. Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and she makes the ‘that went right over your head’ motion) Woo! Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy. Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler’s your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends. [Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before he’s done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.] Joey: Good evening. I’m Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don’t have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there waiting for the delievery guy.] Joey: Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night? Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, ’Hey, the bell doesn’t dismiss you, I dismiss you.’ Phoebe: Ooooh, nice. Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children. Phoebe: Oh, yay! Joey: Yeah, it’s this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I’m so, so right for it, y'know, he’s just like me. Except he’s a boxer, and has an evil twin. (There is a knock on the door.) Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black delievery guy.) Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. (to Phoebe) You Miss Geller? Phoebe: Okay. Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard) Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It’s that bedroom there. (points to Monica’s room) Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King? Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don’t say anything to Chandler. Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler? Phoebe: Is that a problem? Joey: No. Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let’s see what you got. All right ya, put ‘em up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing) Joey: Hey, you’re ah, pretty good at this. Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young men weren’t acting Christian enough. Joey: Ahh! (Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the shoulder, Phoebe counters with a jab to the nose.) Joey: Hey now! (Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey’s nose, causing it to bleed.) Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I’m bleeding. Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Joey: Okay, great. Phoebe: Wow! And I’m a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I’m sorry, we’ll put some ice on it. Joey: Okay. Phoebe: ‘Kay, put your head back. Joey: All right. I can’t see. Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God. Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller? Phoebe: Oh, it’s the compulsively neat one by the window, okay. Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying the racecar bed.) [Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. Green are having dinner.] Rachel: Hi Daddy! Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby. Rachel: You remember Ross. Dr. Green: Um-hmm. Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green. Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross) How’s the library? Ross: Ugh, museum. Dr. Green: What happened to the library? Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one. Dr. Green: You know what’s really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three. Ross: Yeah, if you’re really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke. Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster. Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library. Ross: It’s not a library... Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! It’s a museum! What, you’re the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I don’t know to the waiter.) [Scene: After dinner.] Ross: So, Dr. Green, how’s the old boat. Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat? Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look. Dr. Green: (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross. Ross: Wow. I’m sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. (Rachel giggles at that) Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay! (picks up a Knfe and pretends to sab his heart.) Rachel: Aw honey stop! It’s not that bad. Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must’ve added wrong. He only tipped like four percent. Rachel: Yeah. That’s Daddy. Ross: That’s Daddy?! But doesn’t it bother you? You’re a waitress. Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, I’d be serving him sneezers. Ross: So? Rachel: So. Ross, I’ve bugged him about this a million times, he’s not gonna change. Ross: You really serve people sneezers? Rachel: Well um, I don’t. Dr Green: You kids ready? Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green. Dr. Green: All right. (Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the bill when Dr. Green isn’t looking.) Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt. Ross: Oh, ah, you don’t need that. Dr. Green: Why not? Ross: The carbon, it’s messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness. Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh? Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it’s a sickness really. Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really have to do something about that. Ross: I know. Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think I’m cheap? Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didn’t mean anything by that, he really didn’t. Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really. Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big sht. You really want to be Mr. Big sht? Here, I’ll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big sht, all right. (rips up the bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves) Ross: Well Mr. Big sht is better than ‘wethead’. [Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions.] Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I’ve never been able to cry as an actor, so if I’m in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let’s say I wanna convey that I’ve just done something evil. That would be the basic ‘I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it’ (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, let’s say I’ve just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that’s how it’s done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed. Student: Hey, Mr. Trib. Joey: Hey-hey. Student: Guess what, I got an audition! Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I’m so proud. Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it? Joey: You bet! What’s the part? Student: Oh it’s great, it’s a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer. (Joey does the ‘232 divided by 13 bad news’ look.) Commercial Break [Scene: Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from dinner.] Rachel: You had to do it, didn’t you? You couldn’t just leave it alone. Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there’s a bug in my food. Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already. Ross: Yeah, I’m gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall. (they go into Monica and Rachel’s, and see Phoebe hopping around.) Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing? Phoebe: I’m, I’m freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn’t have! All right, I haven’t lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom? Rachel: Um. yeah. Phoebe: I am soo dad. (goes to Monica’s room) Rachel: All right, look, here’s the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I’ll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice. Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn’t work. Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that’s why you have got to be the bigger man here. Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn’t make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say ‘Like me! Like me tiny doctor!’ Rachel: Okay, well can’t you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me? Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay we’re never gonna get along. Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don’t wanna have to have a separate room for you too!! (starts to cry) Ross: Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) I’ll get the bagels. [Scene: Monica’s bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica.] Monica: (sees the bed) What’s this? Phoebe: Isn’t it cool! Varoom! Varoom! Monica: This is not the bed I ordered! Phoebe: I know, you must’ve won like a contest or something! (Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating) Monica: Phoebe! (Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.) Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom? Phoebe: I’m sorry, okay, I-I wasn’t looking, and the store says that they won’t take it back because you signed for it... Monica: When did I sign for it? Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it’s all Joey’s fault, ‘cause he left his nose open! Monica: Did you make brownies today? Chandler: Knock, knock. Monica: (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he won’t notice the bed. Chandler: Hey, I’m going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp. Phoebe: It’s Monica’s bed. What? Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) It’s a racecar. Phoebe: So. This has always been Monica’s bed, what you’re just noticing now, how self-involved are you? Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn’t new, how come there is plastic on the mattress? Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to comfort her.) [Scene: Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.] Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that’s not gonna be me, not me. Joey: Wow! That was good. That was...(points to his pocket) Tweezers? Student: No. Joey: Whoa. That was really good. Student: Thanks, any suggestions? (Joey gets the evil look on his face.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.] Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!! Joey: Well, I-I might’ve said supergay. Chandler: You totally screwed him over. Monica: Joey, you’re this guy’s teacher. I mean how could you do this? Joey: Because, Monica, the guy’s so good, and I really, really want this part. Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then it’s okay. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their brunch.] Rachel: (opening the door) Hi Daddy. Dr. Green: Baby. Ross. Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr. Green puts his scarf on it.) Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night. Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. Dr. Green: Nice hair. What’d ya do? Swim here? Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, that’s it, I can’t take it anymore. Rachel: What? What? He’s interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here. Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie it’s hopeless, okay, I’m just gonna go. (starts to leave rubbing his neck) Rachel: What?! Ross: Look, look I’m sorry. It’s just that.... Dr. Green: Ross? What’s with the neck? Rachel: He’s got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor... Dr. Green: You’re still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn’t get into medical school in Extapa! Ross: Thank you! That’s what I keep saying. Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor. Ross: Uh. Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby? Rachel: Well that’s his last name. Ross: And his first name. Dr. Green: He’s Bobby Bobby? Rachel: It’s Robert Bobby. Dr. Green: Oh. Rachel: And um, excuse me, he helps me. Ross: Oh-ho please. Ask her how? Dr. Green: What do you need help for? Rachel: With my alignment. I’ve got one leg shorter than the other. Dr. Green: Oh God! Ross: Argue with that. Rachel: What? It’s true, my right leg is two inches shorter. Dr. Green: Come on! You’re just titling! (to Ross) Her legs are fine! Ross: I know that! Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for? Rachel: I’m sorry, let her? Ross: What can I do, she doesn’t listen to me about renter’s insurance either. Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you don’t have renter’s insurance?! Rachel: No. Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?! (Both he and Ross start laughing) Ross: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice? Dr. Green: I’d love some juice. Thanks. Ross: Okay. (to Rachel) Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see? Rachel: Yeah honey, I’m standing right there! Why didn’t you just tell him about the mole I haven’t got checked yet. Ross: Excellent! [Scene: Classroom, Joey is talking to his students.] Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when you’ll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I’m ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, hm. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, he’s got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me I’m stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you. [Scene: Mattress King, Monica is trying to return her bed.] Jester: Uh, may I help you? Monica: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I’m the lady that got stuck with the racecar bed. Jester: Look, it’s like I told you, there’s nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller. Joey: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king. Jester: Nobody sees the king! Joey: Oh-ho-kay, I’m talking to the king. (starts to go to a back room) Jester: Hey! You can’t go back there! (Joey goes to the door, but stops and looks through the window at Janice and the Mattress King, her ex-husband, kissing.) Janice: Oh my God. (Joey fakes a scream.) Closing Credits [Scene: Monica’s bedroom, Chandler is playing with the bed.] Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good lookin’! (honks the bed’s little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, I’ll leave. My bed’s so boring. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x07 - The One With the Race Car Bed"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Adam Chase Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there, Rachel is serving brownies.] Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies? Chandler: I will have one. (Ross and him both take one.) (Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.) Chandler: Okay, I’m not gonna have one. Ross: Neither will I. (they both put back the brownies.) Phoebe: No, no, it’s just my tooth. Chandler: All right I’ll have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,) Ross: So what’s a matter, you need a dentist? I’ve got a good one. Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can’t see him. Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible dentists. Ross: Why? Why can’t you go to him? Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies. Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist’s blouse. Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?! Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend ‘Albino Bob’. Rachel: And all these people actually died? Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! That’s why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it’s not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives! Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didn’t kll anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It’s, it’s, it’s just ah, a coincidence. Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can’t, their dad. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.] Ross: Thanks, gn. (takes the plate gn serves him and Rachel comes up and kisses him) (to Rachel) Hey! (to gn) Umm, can I get a napkin too? gn: Oh, like you don’t already have everything. Phoebe: (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (drops the apple in disgust.) Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go. Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if you’re my next victim, don’t come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set. Rachel: I promise. Phoebe: Although, don’t feel like you can’t visit. Joey: (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is Chandler here? Ross: (patting his clothes like he is looking for his wallet) No, no he’s not. Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband. Ross: What? (to Joey) So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler? Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not. Rachel: Joey, you can’t keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him. Joey: It’ll kll him. I mean it’ll, it’ll just kll him. Phoebe: Well, you could wait ‘til I go to the dentist, maybe I’ll kll him. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, All are there except for Chandler.] Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It’s like a Play-Doo Fat Factory. Phoebe: Well, I’m going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um...... (starts to cry and runs out) Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the hm* Sapien display. Joey: What did they do? Ross: Well, they painted over the word ‘Sapien’ for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let’s just leave it at that. Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you? Ross: Yes, that’s what I was going to ask, thank you. Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me? Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the background Monica mouths ‘Don’t worry, I’ll be here the whole time.’ to Ross.) Yes! That’d be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically mouths ‘Yeah!’ and holds up her thumb.) Joey: Hey-hey, Ross? Ross: Yeah. Joey: I’ve got a science question. Ross: Hmm? Joey: If the hm Sapiens, were in fact ‘hm-sapien’, is that why there extinct? Ross: Joey, hm Sapiens are people. Joey: Hey-hey, I’m not judging. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are babysitting Ben.] Rachel: (holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (moves it back and forth) Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think he’s bored. Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) We’re gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Ben’s head on that wooden beam across the ceiling.) [cut to later] Monica: (to Ben) Who’s so brave, you’re so brave, yes you are, you’re so brave. Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, he’s fine, he’s fine, let’s just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See that’s a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?! Monica: He’s not gonna say anything, because we’re not gonna tell him. Rachel: We’re not?! Monica: No we’re not. Rachel: All right, I like that. Monica: Okay. Rachel: So we’re okay, we’re okay, we’re okay, (starts to exam Ben) aren’t we? No, we’re not okay, we’re not okay, there’s a bump, there’s a bump. Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in! Rachel: I cannot push it in! Monica: Okay, we’re gonna need a distraction. Rachel: Okay, okay, okay. Monica: I got it! Rachel: Okay. Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, (high pitched) rweee!! Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head. Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat. Rachel: We need a hat.. Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat? Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, I’ll get ‘Rainy Day Bear’!! (runs to get him) Monica: Because he’ll know what to do? (Rachel comes out of her room with a bear that’s dressed in a rain suit.) Oh my God, you’re a genius! Rachel: Oh God, oh God, it’s sowed on though. Monica: Give it. Give it. Rachel: Okay. (Monica takes the bear, grabs his hat, and rips off his head.) Monica and Rachel: Oh!! Rachel: Oh, it’s just like a bloodbath in here today. [Scene: The street, Chandler and Joey are walking past a jewelery store.] Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice? Joey: I’d really prefer a mountain bike. Chandler: Janice’s birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me. Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum. Chandler: That’s a good idea, ‘Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday’. I would like to get her something serious. Joey: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dad serious. Chandler: All right. Look, I’m gonna go in here, and you don’t buy me anything ever. (starts to go into the store) Joey: (stopping him) No, no, you can’t, you can’t, okay, you can’t, you can’t buy her pearls, you just can’t, you can’t, you can’t. Chandler: Why not?! Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, here’s the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is... Chandler: What is the thing? Joey: Okay. I went down to the ‘Mattress King’ showroom and, and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-husband. Chandler: (shocked) What? Joey: They were in his office. Chandler: Well she, she wouldn’t do that, she’s with, she’s with me. Joey: I’m telling you man, I saw it. Chandler: Yeah, well, you’re wrong! Okay, you’re wrong. Joey: I’m not wrong! I wish I was. I’m sorry. Bet that barium enema doesn’t sound so bad now, huh? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are dressing up Ben in the entire rain suit from Rainy Day Bear.] Monica: It just makes more sense as an ensemble. Rachel: Right. Monica: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat. Phoebe: (running through the door) No! Oh! You’re alive! You’re alive! Rachel: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn’t I? Phoebe: Yeah, well, we’ll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know. Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead. Phoebe: (on phone) ‘Hey! You’re not dad! Okay, see ya!’ Ben: Monica. Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that? Ben: Monica bang! Rachel: Okay, I heard that. Monica: Did he just say ‘Monica bang’? Rachel: Uh-huh. Monica: Oh my God! He’s gonna rat me out! Ben: Monica bang! Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. It’s no big deal, it’s not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. (goes over and starts hitting her head on the post) Ow, Monica bang! (does it again) Everybody bang. (repeats) Ben bang. (repeats) Rachel bang. (repeats) Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn’t that fun? Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that! (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We all do it. (repeats) Okay, I’m stopping now. Monica: You okay? Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it’s not a headboard, it’s just not worth it. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting for Janice to arrive, and is angrily fllipping through a magazine.] Janice: (entering) How’s my Bing-a-ling? Chandler: Ah, I don’t know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me. Janice: Why are your eyes so white? Chandler: You tell me! Maybe, it’s because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!! Janice: Oh my God!! Chandler: All right! Janice: How did you know? Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing. Janice: In the park? Chandler: No! In his office! How many kisses were there? Janice: Just those two! Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!! Janice: Oh, I’m sorry honey, I’m so, so, (nasally) haaaaa! I’m so, so sorry, I just (nasally) haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I can’t breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something? Chandler: (giving her a bag) Here. (Janice starts to breath into it and sucks in the reciept, and then spits it out.) Janice: The receipt. Chandler: I’ll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do you still love him? (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice shakes her head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) I’m gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts to ring) Janice: I don’t know. Phoebe: (rushing in) Okay. If you’re alive you answer your phone! COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there.] Monica: Okay, Ben, I won’t tell your daddy that you had ice cream for dinner, if you don’t tell about our little bonking incident. Rachel: Monica, number one, I don’t think Ben understands the concept of bribery, and number two, I... (Joey starts laughing in the background) (to Joey) What?! Joey: You said number two. Rachel: I also said number one. Joey: I know. (giggles harder) Ross: (entering) Hey! Everyone. Rachel: Hi! Ross: How’s my little boy? Rachel: He’s perfect, he’s never been better. Ross: (noticing the outfit he is wearing) What’d you do, take him whaling? Ben: Monica. Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, that’s great! Good job Ben. Ben: Monica bang! Monica: Oh that’s right, that’s what I’d sound like if I exploded. Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive. Joey: Uh. Phoebe: What? Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. (Phoebe runs to the window and gasps.) [Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the window at Ugly Naked Guy.] Phoebe: Oh my God! I klled him! I klled another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big. Rachel: Well maybe he’s just taking a nap. Joey: I’m tellin’ ya, he hasn’t moved since this morning. Monica: All right, we should call somebody. Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn’t moving. Rachel: Well, we have gotta find out if he’s alive. Monica: How are we gonna do that? There’s no way. Joey: Well, there is one way. His window’s open, I say, we poke him. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is throwing darts, as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when we get Chinese food? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Well, now we got a reason. Chandler: What? Joey: Well, we’re fashioning a very long poking device. Chandler: All right. Joey: Hey uh, what’s a matter? Chandler: I talked to Janice. Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him? Chandler: She doesn’t know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can’t even return them, because she choked on the reciept! Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do? Chandler: I don’t know, y'know. What, what, would you do? Joey: Well, it doesn’t matter what I would do. Chandler: Come on, tell me. Joey: All right, you’re probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I would ah, I would bow out. Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about? Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. They’re like, they’re like a family, and if, I don’t know, there’s chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn’t want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just finished putting Ben to sleep, and is entering from Rachel’s room.] Ross: Well, he’s finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head? Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure it’s ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, I’ve always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child. Ross: It’s okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could. Rachel: (confidently) I did! Ross: I know! I’m saying you have to watch them all the time. Rachel: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing! Ross: Monica did it? (Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace.) Ross: Monica? Monica: Yeah. Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today? Monica: No. Why? Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he’s leaving out ‘e’ and ‘f.’ It’s like they just ah, I don’t know, fell out of his head. Monica: Really?! Ross: Oh, and also, he’s, he’s walkin’ kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he’s in there just sort of y'know... (walks around in a circle) Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (runs into the bedroom) Rachel: I hope it’s still funny when you’re in hell. Monica: (coming out of the bedroom) You jerk! You know how much I love that kid! (starts to chase Ross around the living room) Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the posts) Ow! Rachel: I’ll get the hat. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Janice are there.] Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it’s, it’s, it’s not gonna be easy. Janice: Okay. Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I don’t wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know ‘You’re the reason, you are the reason why their not together.’ and I hated that guy. And it didn’t matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad. Janice: Wow! Chandler: Yeah, well. It’s the right thing to do. Janice: Oh! You’re right. Oh God. But, before I can say ‘good-bye’, there’s something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it’s like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie’s been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it’s like movie love, you’re my soulmate, and I can’t believe we’re not going to be spending the rest of our lives together. Chandler: Then don’t leave me! Janice: What? Chandler: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me! Janice: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I’ve got to give my marriage another chance. Chandler: No you don’t! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance. Janice: (standing up) I’m sorry. (hugs him) Chandler: Ohhh. Don’t go. Janice: No, I-I-I gotta go. (she starts to walk away, but Chandler doesn’t let her go.) Chandler: No. No! No! No! Janice: Honey, honey, people are looking. Chandler: I don’t care! (turns around and to the people watching them) I don’t care!! Janice: Yeah, um, I’m, I’m leaving now. (tries to get her leg out of Chandler’s grasp, she finally does, but Chandler takes off her shoe.) Chandler: You can’t leave! I have your shoe! Janice: Good-bye Chandler Bing. (walks out with one shoe) gn: Rachel has those in burgendy. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are holding the giant poking device.] Joey: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manouver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area. Ross: Can we please focus here, a naked man’s life hangs in the balance! Phoebe: I’m telling you he’s dad. What we are about to have here is a d*ad fat guy on a stick. Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let’s poke. (they start to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we’re approaching the window (as he says this the camera cuts to their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle. (They thread the needle and start poking him, he then stirs.) Phoebe: He’s alive! He’s a-live!!! Monica: And yet, we’re still poking him. Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device. Ross: He does not look happy. Rachel: Hey-hey, now he’s showing us his poking device. Joey: Hey, that’s never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy! CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a Lionel Richie album] Chandler: (singing) ‘I’ll hold you close in my arms. (Phoebe enters) I can’t resist your charms. And love....’ Phoebe: (joining him) ‘Love....’ Chandler and Phoebe: ‘I’ll be a fool for you. I’m sure, you know I don’t mind.’ Chandler: (high pitched) ‘No you know I don’t mind.’ Chandler and Phoebe: ‘Yes! You mean the world the world to me. Oh..’ Chandler: ‘I know.’ Phoebe: ‘I know.’ Chandler: ‘I’ve found.’ Phoebe: ‘I’ve found....’ Chandler and Phoebe: ‘...in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love.’ (they both look at each other.) ‘My endless love.’ (once again they don’t match tones, and they just look at each other) END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x08 - The One With The Giant Poking Device"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gng is there, the guys are watching football, the girls are cooking Thanksgiving dinner.] The Guys: (reacting to a play) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Awww! Phoebe: Hey, it’s your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help. The Guys: We will. (they don’t move) Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmellows in concentric circles. Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this. (Rachel sticks a marshmellow into Monica’s nose. Monica takes it out of her nose by closing one nostril, and blwing.) Monica: Every year. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Phoebe: Y'know, for once, I am going to sit down and try to watch one of these things. (just as she sits down). Ross: Halftime. Joey: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going? Rachel: Oh! That would be sooo much fun! Phoebe: Oh, can I play too? I’ve never played football, like ever. Joey: Great, you can cover Chandler. Chandler: No, no, no, I don’t, I don’t really wanna play. Joey: Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up. Chandler: That’s not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say that I don’t have goals! Joey: Chandler, you have to start getting over her. All right, if you play, you get some fresh air, maybe it’ll take your mind off Janice, and if you don’t play, everyone will be mad at you ‘cause the teams won’t be even. Come on. Chandler: Yeah, all right, I’ll play. Phoebe: Yay!! Rachel: Let’s do it! Ross? Ross: What? Rachel: Do you wanna play football? Ross: Um, Monica and I aren’t supposed to play football. Joey: Says who? Your mom? Monica and Ross: Yeah. Monica: Well, every, every Thanksgiving um, we used to have a touch football game called the ‘Geller Bowl.’ Chandler: No, no, no, you say that proudly. Monica: Anyway, Ross and I were always captains, and um, it got kind’ve competitive and one year, Geller Bowl VI, I accidentally broke Ross’s nose. Ross: It was soo not an accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma arm elbow right into my face. And just keep running. Monica: To score the winning touchdown, by the way. Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not win the game, the touchdown didn’t count, because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage nose breaking. Monica: (to Chandler and Joey) I won the game. Ross: Oh yeah! Then how come you didn’t get the Geller Cup? Rachel: Um, there was a Geller Cup? Ross: Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. But our Dad said, ‘nobody won that game, ‘ and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and.... (pauses to collect himself, as he is on the verge of tears saying this) threw it in the lake. Chandler: And was the curse lifted? Ross: Anyway. That’s when our Mom said we were not to play football ever again. Monica: Y'know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it’s been twelve years. Ross: Can I see you for a second? (they walk over to the sink and discuss it for a moment) Monica: (shouting) Once!! Ross: All right, we’re gonna play. Chandler: But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won’t let me cross the street. [Scene: The Park, the gng is warming up for their football game.] Monica: Okay. Let’s bring it in. Rachel: Wait no, honey, honey throw it to me, throw it to me. Ross: Here you go. (throws her the ball) Rachel: (knocking it down instead of catching it) That almost ht me in the face. Joey: All right, we have to pick captains. Chandler: And then Tineals. Phoebe: Okay, so how do we decide that? Monica: Well, why don’t we just bunny up. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey: What? Monica and Ross: (holding both of their hands above their heads making rabbit ears with their fingers.) Bunny! Monica: Okay, looks like Ross and I are captains. Okay, so um, I bunnied first so that means I get to pick first. Joey. Joey: Thank you. Rachel: Monica, I’m your best friend. Ross: Sweetie, don’t worry you’ll get picked. Chandler. Rachel: Ross! Monica: Phoebe. (Phoebe kisses Rachel on the cheek, then joins her team.) Ross: Sweetie, now I pick you. Rachel: You don’t pick me! You’re stuck with me! Ross: Okay. All right. So let’s see, let’s play from the trash can, to the lightpost. Right. Two hand touch, we’ll kick off. Monica: All right people listen, I’ve got exactly twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste again. Chandler: Wow! Just like in the pros. Monica: Huddle up. Joey: (to his team) All right, huddle up, right over here. Phoebe: Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me! Oh cool, this is my first huddle. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: Okay, so what do you guys really think of Chandler? Monica: Okay, Phoebe you know what you’re doing right? Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Okay, Joey’s gonna catch it, and you and I are gonna block. Phoebe: What’s block? Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you know what you’re doing? Phoebe: I thought you meant in life. Monica: Break. (Chandler is getting ready to kick off, Ross is holding the ball between his foot and finger.) Chandler: The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. (goes to kick the ball but kicks Ross’s foot instead.) Ross: Oww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come on! Chandler: Sorry. I’m sorry. Y'know what, we’re just gonna throw it. (Chandler throws the ball to kick-off.) Joey: I got it. (catches the ball) Phoebe: Go! Go! Go! (Joey runs up field and fakes out Ross and scores a touchdown. His team all celebrates the touchdown.) Monica: Score!! 7 to nothing! Rachel: (coming over to Ross, who is just getting up) Are you okay? Ross: Come on, let’s go! Monica: Losers walk! Ross: Yeah, losers talk! Chandler: No, no, no, actually losers rhyme. [cut to later, Ross’s team has the ball.] Chandler: (coming up under center, just like a real quarterback does, and puts his hands between Ross’s legs.) Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! (Ross stands up and looks at him) You wanna go gn? Ross: Yeah! Chandler: (from the gn) Hike! Monica and Joey: One-Mississippi. Two-Mississippi. Three-Mississippi. (Rachel runs a quick slant.) Rachel: Over here! (Chandler throws her the ball, which she drops.) Rachel: (proud of her self) I almost caught that one! Chandler: Great! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7. Ross: Okay, (to Chandler) this play, I want you to do a down and out to the right. Okay. Break! Rachel: Wait, what am I gonna do? Ross: You, you go long. Rachel: Wait, how long? Ross: Until we start to look very small. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Break!! [cut to later, Monica’s team has the ball.] Joey: Set....hike! Ross: One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch! Switch! Switch!! Chandler: No, no, no, no, no! (Monica throws the ball over Joey’s head, it’s stopped from rolling away by a very beautiful woman.) Joey: Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for stopping our ball. Woman: (in a foreign accent) You are playing American football? Joey: Yeah! Wow, your like from a whole other country. Woman: I’m Dutch. Joey: Hi-hi, I’m Joey. Woman: I’m Margha. Joey: I’m sorry Dutch, I didn’t get that last little bit. Chandler: (running up) Hey Joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna.. (sees Marhan) Hi, I’m Chandler. Margha: Hello, Chandler. Joey: Her name is Dutch, and also Marklan. Margha: Margha. Joey: Mar-klan. Margha: Mar-gha. Chandler: Mar-haaaan. [cut to Ross and Monica.] Monica: Come on guys! Let’s go! Come on, it’s second down. Ross: Uh, hello, it’s third down. Monica: No it’s not, it’s second. Ross: Wow! Monica: Wow, what? Ross: It just amazes me that your still pulling stuff like this. Monica: Pulling what? It’s second down. Ross: Okay, it’s second down. (turns away) Take all the second downs you need. Monica: I heard that! Ross: Well, I said it loud. [cut to Chandler, Joey, and Margha.] Margha: It is okay, if I stay and watch? Chandler and Joey: Yeah! Why don’t you stick around. You can sit right there. (she goes and sits down) Chandler: Well, that went well. Joey: I think so. Chandler: Y'know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number. Joey: Thanks man, but I think it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself, y'know. Chandler: Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about y'know for me, as a part of that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about. Joey: Oh, yeah, that. All right, means that much to ya, I’ll let you have her. Chandler: Thanks. What, let me have her?! What do mean? Like if you didn’t I wouldn’t have a sht? Joey: Well I don’t like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Don’t feel bad man, we all have our strengths. You’re better with numbers and stuff. Chandler: Math!! You’re giving me math! All right, look y'know what, forget about it, you go for the girl, we’ll see who gets her. [cut to later, in Ross’s huddle.] Ross: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie.. Rachel: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, it’s like all I’m doing is running back and forth from the huddle. Ross: Well ah, you wanna just stay out there? Rachel: Can I see that for second. Ross: Yeah. (Rachel takes the ball from his hands and bounces it off of Ross’s forehead and Chandler catches the rebound.) Ross: Okay. Hut! Hike! (Chandler runs around behind Ross, who pitches him the ball. Chandler runs upfield, and Joey knocks the ball out of his hands.) Joey: Fumble! (Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler grabs Joey’s shirt and rips it off of his back.) Joey: What the hell’s the matter with you?! This is my favourite jersey. Chandler: Well now you have two. Hey, I am good at math. Joey: All right, that’s it. Y'know I was still gonna let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself. Chandler: Hey! Well, I’ve been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that’s mean! Monica: All right, come on guys, let’s go! Tie score, and we’re runnin’ out of time. Forty-two!! Thirty-eight!! Hike! (the timer sounds as Monica throws the ball to Phoebe.) Phoebe: Oh I got it!! (catches the ball) Oh! Ew! Broken boob! Ow! Joey: Pheebs, run! Monica: Run, Phoebe, run! (Phoebe runs and scores a touchdown.) Phoebe: Touchdown!! Touchdown!! Ross: Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn’t count. Monica: After the snap! Ross: Before the snap! Joey: After!! Chandler: Before!! Rachel: Now, does it really matter? All: Yes!! Phoebe: Well, okay, I made a touchdown. It was my first touchdown. So? Ross: Oh Pheebs, that’s great. It doesn’t count. Monica: Does so count! Ross: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater. Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: Y'know what, that’s fine, maybe you haven’t grown up, but I have. Ross: Oh-ho, okay. Monica: dad leg!! (kicks him in the thigh.) Ross: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine! All right, you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right. Phoebe the touchdown does count, you win. Phoebe: Woo-yay!! Monica: No! Listen, I’m not gonna go through this with you again, okay. Just once I wanna bat when you can’t blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the fact that you thought you were getting mono. Let’s just call this, tie score and it’s halftime. Ross: Okay, first of all, I don’t play with cheaters, and second of all, you know I had swollen glands!! Monica: Y'know what? I’ll think you’ll play. Ross: Oh really! Why is that? [cut to Monica and Rachel’s.] Monica: Because the winner gets this! Ross: The Geller Cup. Chandler: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four? All: Yeah. Chandler: Okay, good. Commercial Break [Scene: The park, the gng is returning to play the second half of the game.] Ross: Okay, where in the hell did you get that?! Monica: When Mom and Dad drove you to the hospital to get your nose fixed, I swam into the lake and fished it out. Ross: That cup is mine! Monica: No it’s not! You want it, you’re gonna have to win it! Rachel: All right, so are we not having dinner at all? Monica: Come on Phoebe, let’s go! Come on, it’s time to get serious, huddle up. Joey, keep your head in the game. Joey: It’s hard, y'know, his huddle is closer to Dutch girl. Monica: All right look, if I take Chandler out of the running will you be able to focus? Joey: What are you gonna do? Monica: All right, you just make sure that Chandler catches the ball, I’ll take care of the rest. Joey: Okay. Monica: Break! Joey: Here you go! (Joey throws the ball to Chandler) Ross: Chandler! Chandler! (Chandler catches the ball and starts to run upfield.) Chandler: (to Margha) Hi. (just as he gets in front of Margha, Monica comes up and tackles him) Monica: Whoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya don’t see that everyday, do ya? Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s with the tackling? Monica: What?! I just touched him and he went over. Ross: Okay, you wanna play rough, we can play rough. (They both stare each other down as we hear ‘Let’s get ready to r-r-r-rum-ble!!!’) (A long football sequence follows.) [Sequence 1: Monica throws the ball over Chandler’s head to Joey who catches it for a touchdown, and starts to dance in celebration. Chandler then tackles him, and he starts to dance in celebration.] [Sequence 2: Monica runs upfield and stops, waiting for a pass. Ross runs over and pulls her pants down, steps in front of her and intercepts the pass.] [Sequence 3: Chandler throws a pass to Ross, who catches it. Phoebe starts screaming and runs up to him and tries to tackle him. But all she ends up doing is running around his waist and screaming.] [Sequence 4: Ross hikes the ball to Chandler, and the camera pans down to show Rachel standing deep in the end zone, playing with her gum. Something hits her on the head and she looks up to see where it came from.] [Sequence 5: Monica hands the ball off to Phoebe, who runs up field and delivers a fore-arm shiver to Chandler, knocking him over and scores the touchdown, and she yells...] Phoebe: I love this game!! [cut to Ross who walks up to Rachel who is eating a baked pretzel.] Ross: Hey, where’d you get that? Rachel: I went really long. Monica: Forty-two to twenty-one! Like the turkey, Ross is done! Ross: It’s no surprise that your winning, ‘cause you got to pick first, so you got the better team. Monica: You’re so pathetic! Why can’t you just accept it, we’re winning because I’m better than you. (Ross makes a ‘Yeah. Right.’ sound.) Monica: Oh, what a great argument, exhaling! All right, y'know what, I’ll prove it to you, okay. I’ll trade you Joey for Rachel, and I’ll still win the game. Ross: What?! The guys against the girls? See, that’s ridiculous Monica, because I’m only down by three touchdowns. Monica: Oh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of course your afraid you might lose to a bunch of girls. Ross: Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey you’re with me. Rachel: I can not believe your trading me!! Monica: Come on Rach, come on. Let’s see what’s it like to be on a winning team for a change. Rachel: Are you gonna let me play? Monica: All right then. [cut to the guys’ team.] Margha: (coming over) The game is over, we eat now? Chandler: No-no-no-no, the game’s not over, we’re just switching teams. Joey: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that it’s better if we’re on the same team. Ross: Right. Okay, let’s play. Let’s go. Chandler: No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from? Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania. Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right? Joey: Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from. Margha: Oh, my. Ross: Enough with geography for the insane, okay? Let’s play some ball, guys. Joey: Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-I’m not playing with this guy, now. Chandler: Fine with me. Ross: Okay, y'know what, let’s just cut to the chase here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do you like? Chandler and Joey: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Margha: Which do I like? Ross: Yeah, y'know for dating, general merriment, taking back to your windmill... Margha: Well, if I had to chose right now, which by the way I find really weird, I would have to say, Chandler. Chandler: Yes!! Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously didn’t understand the question. Chandler: Well, you don’t you have Captain Hook explain it to her. Margha: I’m sorry, Joey, that is my chose. Chandler: You hear that! That is her chose, mister I’ll let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! (does the wave.) Margha: I’m now thinking I would like to change my answer to, no one. Chandler: Wh-what? Margha: I now find you shallow and um, a dork. All right, bye. Joey: Nice going. You just saved yourself a couple months of sex. Chandler: Y'know what, it doesn’t matter, ‘cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook! Ross: Save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay. The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls. Chandler: We’re not gonna lose to girls. Ross: Hey! It’s 42-21! Joey: This sucks, I was just up by that much! Monica: Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marries. [cut to the girls huddle.] Monica: We have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while you’re making out... Phoebe: Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too?! Monica: Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Let’s kll ‘um! Rachel: Yeah!!! kll ‘um!!! Phoebe: All right, no, well I want to kll them to, but their boys, y'know how are we gonna bat three boys? (Another football sequence follows) [Sequence 1: Chandler is running past Phoebe with the ball, Phoebe flashes him, he stops and stares dumbfounded at her. Phoebe then runs up and takes the ball away.] [Sequence 2: Phoebe throws the ball, and it’s intercepted by Joey, who starts to run up field. Rachel jumps on his back in order to try and tackle him, but she doesn’t slow him down. Monica and Phoebe then both grab her legs in order to stop Joey, who still manages to fight through the tackle and score the touchdown.] [Sequence 3: Chandler is running with the ball, Phoebe flashes him again, but Chandler covers his eyes, and keeps running. He then runs into a tree at the end of the field.] [cut to the girls huddle] Monica: All right, we still have a minute and a half to go, and we’re down by two points. Two points.... (she gets interrupted by the guys, who are doing a slow-motion high five.) Phoebe you do a button-hook again. Rachel, you go long. Rachel: No! Come on! Don’t make me go long. Use me. They never cover me. Monica: Honey, there’s a reason. Rachel: God, I’m not lame, okay. I can do something. I can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is my game too. Phoebe: Come on Mon, let her throw the ball. Monica: All right Rachel, you sweep behind, I’ll pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Phoebe. All right. Break. Rachel: Thank you! Break! Monica: Thirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike! (Phoebe snaps the ball to Monica, who pitches back to Rachel.) The Guys: One-Mississippi! Two-Mississippi! Three-Mississippi! (They all rush toward Rachel, who panics and runs away. She runs out of the park and up along the fence, she then comes back into the park and runs past Monica, as she gets to Monica, she throws the ball at Monica, and it hits her in the eye.) Rachel: I’m so sorry! Are you okay? Monica: No! I’m not okay! Rachel: I’m sorry, they were just all coming at me, and I didn’t know what to do. Joey: (looking at the timer) Thirty seconds left on the timer! Chandler: Okay, okay, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home! Monica: Come on! Come on! Hurry! We’re running out of time! Huddle up! Phoebe: Okay. Oooh! Oh, this is our last huddle, yeah. Monica: All right, Phoebe get open. Rachel, go long. Rachel: (on the verge of tears) Okay. Monica: Break! (In slow motion, Phoebe snaps the ball, Rachel goes long. Joey and Chandler and all over Phoebe, leaving Rachel wide open. Ross starts to rush Monica, who sees Phoebe is double covered, in desperation she throws to Rachel. We see flying through the air, and then Rachel running underneath it, then the ball, then Rachel again, then the ball, then Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey staring at it in shock. Then with the grace of Jerry Rice (no offense to Jerry Rice), Rachel catches the ball, and she stops and spikes the ball. Both Phoebe and Monica erupt in celebration.) Rachel: (in triumph) I got a touchdown! We did it!! Chandler: Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you’re five feet short, so we win! Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait-wait! So, explain something to me though, if, if nobody tagged Rachel, then isn’t the play still going. (they all start to dive for the ball and Monica and Ross grab it at the same time.) Ross: Let go! Let go! Monica: Let go! I’m a tiny little woman!! Chandler: Guys! Guys! Come on! It’s Thanksgiving, it’s not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, (to Joey) the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!! Monica: Ow!! Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are eating Thanksgiving dinner.] Rachel: We should defiantly play football more often. Maybe there’s a like league we could join or something. Phoebe: Isn’t there a national football league. Chandler: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights. Rachel: Oh sh**t! I work Monday nights. Phoebe: Umm, this stuffing is amazing. Do you think we should bring them some? Joey: When they’re hungry enough, they’ll come in. [Scene: The park, it’s dark outside and Monica and Ross are still fighting over the ball.] Monica: Let go! Ross: No! You let go! Monica: No! Ross: How come it’s always us left in the field holding the ball? Monica: I don’t know. I guess the other people just don’t care enough. (It starts snowing.) Ross: Hey! It’s starting to snow. (They both look up, and watch it start to snow. Then they both start fighting for the ball again.) Ross: Gimme the this! Monica: Let go! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x09 - The One With The Football"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are sitting on the couch.] Chandler: (reading the comics) Eh..., I don’t, I don’t know. Rachel: What? Chandler: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing? gn: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. gn: Do you remember when you first came here, how you spent two weeks getting trained by another waitress? Rachel: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody new? gn: (laughs) Good one. Actually, ah, Terry wants you to take the training again, whenever. Rachel: (to Chandler) Eh, do you believe that? Chandler: (thinks about it) Yeah? Opening Credits [Scene: The hallway of Ross’s building, there is a Brown Bird girl selling cookies, as Ross and Chandler come up the stairs.] Sarah: So that’s two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you. (Does the Brown Bird salute, she blows on a bird call, then holds her hand, palm facing out, next to her face, and then waves it like a bird flapping it’s wings.) Ross: Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand. Chandler: Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand. Ross: Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand. Chandler: I was shrieking... like a Marine. (they both start up the stairs.) Ross: All right here. Watch me execute the three ‘P’s of championship play. Power. (swings the racquet) Precision. (swings the racquet.) and penache. (does a backswing and hits Sarah who’s started up the stairs, knocking her down, they both watch in horror.) [Scene: Central Perk, the gng’s all there discussing the incident.] Monica: You broke a little girl’s leg?!! Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay. Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were around ten-ish? Ross: Well, I’m gonna go see her. I want to bring her something, what do you think she’ll like? Monica: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk... (Rachel starts to laugh, and Ross notices her.) Rachel: I’m gonna get back to retraining. (gets up) Ross: All right, see you guys. (starts to leave) Chandler: Look out kids, he’s coming! (Ross continues to leave with his head down in shame.) Joey: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees. Phoebe: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don’t! I forgot I am totally against that now. Joey: What? Me having a job? Phoebe: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. (to Joey) Hey, how do you sleep at night? Joey: Well, I’m pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy. Phoebe: Really? (Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey frantically motions to Chandler to help him out.) Chandler: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it’s the only chance to see New York. [cut to gn retraining Rachel.] gn: ...and after you’ve delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray.... Rachel: gn, gn, please, I’ve worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there. (points to the counter.) gn: What if you put them here. (sets the empty tray on another stack of empty trays on the back counter.) Rachel: Huh. Well, y'know that’s actually a really good idea, because that way they’ll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too. gn: They already do. That’s why they call it the ‘tray spot.’ Rachel: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, I’m, I’m sorry. (walks away) gn: It’s all right. Sweetheart. [Scene: Sarah’s bedroom, her room is decorated with a space motif.] Ross: So, this must be kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, your Dad tells me that you get a couple of days off school, and you, you ah, don’t have to sell those cookies anymore. Sarah: Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to Spacecamp, and gets to sit in a real space shuttle. Ross: Wow, you ah, you really like all this space stuff, huh? Sarah: Yeah. My Dad says if I spend as much time helping him clean apartments, as I do daydreaming about outer space, he’d be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal. Ross: I think you would have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India. Sarah: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says he’s gonna double the college money my Grandma left me. Ross: Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win? Sarah: The girl who won last year sold four hundred and seventy-five. Ross: Yeah. Sarah: So far, I’ve sold seventy-five. Ross: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. (starts to get out his wallet) How much are the boxes? Sarah: Five dollars a box. Ross: (puts away his wallet) And what is second prize? Sarah: A ten speed bike. But, I’d rather have something my Dad couldn’t sell. Ross: Well, that makes sense. Sarah: Could you do me one favor, if it’s not too much trouble? Ross: Yeah, Sarah, anything. Sarah: Could you pull open the curtains for me? The astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna be on the news, and since we don’t have a TV, the lady across the alley said she’d push hers up to a window, so I could watch it. [Scene: A hallway, Ross is selling Brown Bird cookies for Sarah, he stops and knocks on a door.] Woman: (looking through her peephole, we see Ross standing in the hallway.) Yesss? Ross: Hi, I’m selling Brown Bird cookies. Woman: You’re no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole. Ross: No, hi, I’m, I’m an honorary Brown Bird (does the Brown Bird salute.) Woman: What does that mean? Ross: Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I’m not invited to sleep-overs. Woman: I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button, y'know. Now, go away! Ross: No, please, please, um, it’s for a poor little girl who wants to go to Spacecamp more than anything in the world. Woman: I’m pressing, a policeman is on his way. Ross: Okay, okay! I’m going. I’m going. (goes across the hall to knock on another door.) Woman: I can still see you! Ross: All right!! [Scene: Joey’s work, selling Christmas trees.] Phoebe: (walking up to Joey) Hey. Joey: Hey. What, what are you doing here? Phoebe: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, (looks at the tree) oh, but oh... Joey: Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas.... Phoebe: Destiny. Joey: Sure. Phoebe: Yes. Joey: All right. Phoebe: Okay. (One of Joey’s co-workers, walks by with a dad tree.) Yikes! That one doesn’t look very fulfilled. Joey: Oh, that’s, that’s ah, one of the old ones, he’s just taking it to the back. Phoebe: You keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist. Joey: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones. Phoebe: So, what happens to the old guys? Joey: Well, they go into the chipper. Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling that’s not as happy as it sounds? (Joey points out one going into the chipper to her, as this haunty, demonic music starts to play in the background) No! Nooooo!!! (she winces in horror and hides her face against Joey’s shoulder, as she sees the tree spit out from the chipper.) Joey: (to the guy operating the chipper) Hey! Hey!! (makes the ‘cut it’ motion with his hands) [Scene: Central Perk, all except Phoebe are there, Ross is telling the gng, minus Rachel who’s still being retrained, about the different cookie options.] Ross: ...and these come in the shapes of your favourite Christmas characters, Santa, Rudolph, and Baby Jesus. Joey: All right, I’ll take a box of the cream filled Jesus’s. Ross: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, I’m trying to send a little girl to Spacecamp, I’m putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you? Chandler: Ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured deities? Ross: No, but ah, there’s coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you what, I’ll put you down for eight boxes, one for each night. (Chandler mouths ‘Okay.’) Ross: Mon? Monica: All right, I’ll take one box of the mint treasures, just one, and that’s it. I-I started gaining weight after I joined the Brown Birds. (to Ross) Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate them all? Ross: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because you ate them all. But ah, y'know I’m sure that’s not gonna happen this time, why don’t I put you down for three of the mint treasures and just a couple of the Rudolph’s. Monica: No. Ross: Oh, come on, now you know you want ‘em. Monica: Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t do this. Ross: I’ll tell you what Mon, I’ll give you the first box for free. Monica: (she reaches out for it and stops) Oh God! I gotta go! (runs out) Ross: Come on! All the cool kids are eating ‘em! (chases after her.) [cut to gn retraining Rachel.] gn: And when you have a second later, I wanna show you why we don’t just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there. Rachel: (sitting down next to Chandler) I’m training to be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks. Joey: Look Rach, wasn’t this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff? Rachel: Well, yeah! I’m still pursuing that. Chandler: How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago? Rachel: Well, I’m also sending out.... good thoughts. Joey: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you’ve got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear. Rachel: The fear? Chandler: He’s right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want. Rachel: Well then how come you’re still at a job that you hate, I mean why don’t you quit and get ‘the fear’? (Chandler and Joey both laugh) Chandler: Because, I’m too afraid. Rachel: I don’t know, I mean I would give anything to work for a designer, y'know, or a buyer.... Oh, I just don’t want to be 30 and still work here. Chandler: Yeah, that’d be much worse than being 28, and still working here. gn: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. gn: Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular. Rachel: Can’t I just look at the handles on them? gn: You would think. Rachel: Okay, fine. gn, y'know what, I am a terrible waitress, do you know why I’m a terrible waitress? Because, I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf, I don’t care where the tray spot is, I just don’t care, this is not what I want to do. So I don’t think I should do it anymore. I’m gonna give you my weeks notice. gn: What?! Rachel: gn, I quit. Chandler: (to Joey) Does this mean we’re gonna have to start paying for coffee? (Joey shrugs his shoulders.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is entering numbers on a calculator as Ross reads off how much he’s sold.] Ross: ....and 12, 22, 18, four... (Chandler starts laughing) What? Chandler: I spelled out boobies. Monica: (comes up and starts looking through Ross’s cookie supply) Ross, but me down for another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where, where are the mint treasures? Ross: Ah, we’re out. I sold them all. Monica: What? Ross: Monica, I’m cutting you off. Monica: No. No, just, just, just a couple more boxes. It-it-it’s no big deal, all right, I’m-I’m cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes! Ross: Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck. Monica: (covers her neck) Oh God! (runs to the bathroom) Chandler: So, how many have you sold so far? Ross: Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen boxes! Chandler: Oh my God, how did you do that? Ross: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as ‘Laser Floyd’ was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! That’s when it occurred to me, the key to my success, ‘the munchies.’ So I ah, started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me: 'Cookie Dude!' Rachel: (entering) Okay, stop what you’re doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers..... Ross: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya? Chandler: Me! On my computer. Ross: Well you sure used a large font. Chandler: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room. Rachel: Hey-hey-hey that’s funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?! Chandler: Something else I might have said? Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know, weren’t you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!! Ross: Sweetie, calm down, it’s gonna be okay. Rachel: No, it’s not gonna be okay Ross, tomorrow is my last day, and I don’t have a lead. Okay, y'know what, I’m just gonna, I’m just gonna call gn and I’m gonna tell him, I’m not quitting. Chandler: You-you-you don’t wanna give into the fear. Rachel: You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear.... Joey: (entering, interrupting Rachel) Hey! I got great news! Chandler: Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs out) Joey: What? Rachel, listen, have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions? Rachel: No. Joey: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening. So, you want me to see if I can get you an interview? Rachel: Oh my God! Yes, I would love that, oh, that is soo sweet, Joey. Joey: Not a problem. Rachel: Thanks. Joey: And now for the great news. Ross: What, that wasn’t the great news? Joey: Only if you think it’s better than this... (holds up an aerosol can) snow-in-a-can!! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie. Monica: Christmas cookie? [Scene: Joey work, Joey is showing a guy a tree.] Joey: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now it’s a little more money, but you get a nicer smell. Guy: Looks good. I’ll take it. Phoebe: (running up carrying a tree) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, you don’t want that one. No, you can have this cool brown one. (points to the almost dad tree she has) Guy: It’s-it’s-it’s almost dad! Phoebe: Okay but that’s why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil it’s Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey Joey: Yeah, the ah, trees that don’t fulfil their Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper. Guy: I-I think I’m gonna look around a little bit more. Joey: Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working on commission here. Monica: (entering) Hey, guys. I’m here to pick out my Christmas tree. Phoebe: Well look no further, (shows her the dad one) this one’s yours! Ahhh. Monica: Is this the one that I threw out last year? Phoebe: All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone wants to have a green one! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get so emotional, I guess it’s just the holidays, it’s hard. Monica: Oh honey, is that ‘cause your Mom died around Christmas? Phoebe: Oh, I wasn’t even thinking about that. Monica: Oh. (turns and looks at Joey, who gives a ‘way-to-go’ thumbs up and smile.) [Scene: A Brown Bird meeting, Ross is there with the other Brown Birds to see who won the contest.] Ross: (to the girl sitting next to him) Hi there. How many, how many ah, did you sell? Girl: I’m not gonna tell you! You’re the bad man who broke Sarah’s leg. Ross: Hey now! That was an accident, okay. Girl: You’re a big scrud. Ross: What’s a scrud? Girl: Why don’t you look in the mirror, scrud. Ross: I don’t have too. I can just look at you. Leader: All right girls, and man. Let’s see your final tallies. (all the girls raise their hands) Ohhhh, Debbie, (looks at her form) 321 boxes of cookies, (to Debbie) Very nice. Ross: (to himself) Not nice enough. Leader: Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still good. Ross: (to himself) Good for a scrud. Leader: Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871. Ross: That’s crap!! Sister Brown Bird. (to Elizabeth) Good going. (does the salute) Leader: Who’s next? (goes over and stands behind Ross, who’s feverishly writing on his form, and clears her throat to get his attention.) Ross: Hi there! Leader: Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller, 872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself. Ross: Um, that is because my doctor says that I have a very serious.... nuget.... diffency. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross are there.] Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross. Ross: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes. Chandler: (to Rachel, who’s entering) Hey! How’d the interview go? Rachel: Oh, I blew it. I wouldn’t of even hired me. Ross: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, you’re gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. (she glares at him) That’s not how that was supposed to come out. Phoebe: This is the worst Christmas ever. Chandler: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house. Rachel: I can’t! It’s too late! Terry already hired that girl over there. (points to her) Look at her, she’s even got waitress experience. Last night she was teaching everybody how to make napkin.... (starts to cry) swans. Ross: That word was swans. [Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are coming up the stairs.] Chandler: Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really perked up my Christmas. (They start to go into Monica and Rachel’s, their apartment is filled with all of the old Christmas trees from Joey’s work.) Phoebe: Oh! Oh my God! Joey and Monica: (jumping up from behind the couch) Merry Christmas!! Phoebe: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you’re the best! Chandler: It’s like ‘Night of the Living dad Christmas Trees.’ (phone rings) Rachel: (answering the phone) Hello? (listens) Yeah, this is she. (listens) Oh! You’re kidding! You’re kidding! (listens) Oh thank you! I love you! Chandler: Sure, everybody loves a kidder. Rachel: (hanging up the phone) I got the job! All: That’s great! Hey! Excellent! Phoebe: Oh, God bless us, everyone. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving her last cup of coffee.] Rachel: Here we go. I’m serving my last cup of coffee. (the gng starts humming the graduation theme) There you go. (hands it to Chandler) Enjoy. (they all cheer) Chandler: (to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea? Ross: No. Rachel: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some really good friends working here, and ah, it’s just time to move on. (at the counter gn starts to cry and runs into the back room) Ah, and no offence to everybody who ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again. [Scene: Rachel’s new job, Rachel’s boss is telling her what to do.] Rachel’s Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so your gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now pay attention, ‘cause this part’s tricky, see some people use filters just once. Closing Credits [Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Ross is bringing Sarah to Joey and Chandler’s.] Ross: I’m, I’m sorry you didn’t get to go to Spacecamp, and I’m hoping that maybe somehow, this may make up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttle’s Private Very Special Spacecamp!! (opens the door and Chandler and Joey jump up, their apartment is decorated like outer space, one of the leather chairs is covered in tinfoil.) Sarah: Really Mr. Geller, you don’t have to do this. Ross: Oh come on! Here we go! (picks her up and puts her in the chair) Stand by for mission countdown! Joey: (simulating an echo) Ten, ten.., nine, nine, nine...., eight, eight, eight... (Chandler hits him in the back of the head) Okay, Blast off! (They start shaking the chair likes it’s flying into outer space. Ross picks up a soccer ball and starts spinning it in his hand and runs around the chair beeping like a satellite. Chandler also starts running around the chair and saying...) Chandler: I’m an alien. I’m an alien. Ross: Oh no! An asteroid! (throws the soccer ball off the back of Joey’s head.) (The camera zooms in on Sarah and she has a big smile on her face.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x10 - The One Where Rachel Quits"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are there, Joey is demonstrating a card trick.] Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks one) All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it? Monica: Um-mm. Joey: All right, give it back to me. (takes the card back, but he looks at the card before he puts it back in the deck, he holds the deck to his forehead, and thinks a little while) 5 of hearts. (Monica is sarcastically amazed.) Ross: Real magic does exist. Rachel: Wow. Monica: Wow. Joey, (sarcastically) how do you do it? Joey: I can’t tell you that, no. (We hear some knocking coming from the ceiling.) Ross: Ah, somebody’s at the door on the ceiling. Rachel: Noo, that’s our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor. Monica: He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything. Phoebe: Why don’t you go up there and ask him to ‘step lightly, please?’ Monica: I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him. Phoebe: Ooh, that is silly. (gets up) I’ll go up there, I’ll tell him to keep it down. Monica: All right, be my guest. Rachel: Good luck. (Phoebe exits) Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, I’ll show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didn’t see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. (picks up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (does it again) I just did it, again. Here, I’ll slow it down so that you guys can see it. (looks and the card in slow motion) All: Oh, I got it. (We hear Phoebe knock at the door upstairs, and the guy answer it.) Phoebe: (muffled through the floor) Yeah, look I was with my friend downstairs and we hear everything up here that you do, and I am sick and tired... (I tired but the rest is unintelligible). Guy: (muffled) Whoa, you are very beautiful. Phoebe: (muffled) Oh, thank you. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Chandler: (entering) Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end? Monica: Honey, what’s the matter? Chandler: I just saw Janice. All: Oh. Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid’s pretzel at them. Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it klled me. Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon. Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know.... Ross: Hey Chandler, there’s a party tomorrow, you’ll feel better then. Chandler: Oh, y'know what, I’m gonna be okay, you don’t have to throw a party for me. Monica: It’s Joey’s birthday. Chandler: Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him. (We hear Phoebe’s muffled voice through the ceiling.) Monica: Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up there. (We hear the guy telling a joke, and Phoebe laughing.) Chandler: Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, it’s supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh. [Scene: Fortunata Fashions, Rachel’s new job.] Mr. Kaplan: (entering) How’s that coffee comin,’ dear? Rachel: (jumping up from reading her magazine) Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan. Mr. Kaplan: I’m not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me gassy. Rachel: I know! Mr. Kaplan: I’ll bet your thinking, ‘What’s an intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion, doing making coffee?’ Eh? Rachel: Op. Mr. Kaplan: Eh. Rachel: Oh, you got me. Mr. Kaplan: Well, don’t think I haven’t noticed your potential. Well, I’ve got a project for you that’s a lot more related to fashion. How does that sound? Rachel: Oh, that sounds great. Mr. Kaplan: Come on over here, sweetheart. (they walk over to a storage closet) Rachel: Oh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan, thank you so much. Mr. Kaplan: (opening the closet door revealing that it’s full of tangled up hangers.) I need these hangers separated ASAP. (she is stunned) You’re welcome. [Scene: The Moondance Diner, Rachel is talking to Monica about her job.] Rachel: Oh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it. Monica: I know honey, I’m sorry. Rachel: Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because it’s remotely related to the field they’re interested in. Monica: (gives her a look) Gee, I don’t know Rach. Order up!! I got a Yentel soup, a James Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy! Rachel: Oh honey, come on, I’m sorry, I didn’t.... I don’t mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom. (A guy at the end of the table starts laughing.) Rachel: (to him) Hi! Is my misery amusing to you? Guy: I’m sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah.... (starts to laugh again) Rachel: It’s not funny, this is actually my job. Guy: Oh believe me, I-I-I’ve been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus. Rachel: Oh well then, so I’m just going to go back to talking to my friend here. And you can go back to enjoying your little hamburger. Guy: Ah, just one other thing. Rachel: Yes?! Guy: I ah, I work at Bloomingdale’s and I might know of a job possibility if your, if your interested? Rachel: (looks at Monica) (to him) Do you want my pickle? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s Joey’s party.] gn: (to Monica and Phoebe) Hey guys. Monica: Hey gn. Hi. (to Phoebe) I mean you’re going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs? Phoebe: Well, he’s very charming. Monica: I know, he’s too charming, but if you two start going out, then it’s just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him. Phoebe: Well, you’re just gonna have to try. Monica: Joey, where are the Jell-o shts? Joey: I don’t know, Chandler is supposed to be passin’ ‘em around... (Camera cuts to show Chandler giving a Jello sht to the ceramic dog and holding an empty tray of Jello shts.) Joey: Chandler! Chandler: Hello-dillillio!! Ross: Oh, somebody’s feeling better. Monica: (to Chandler) Stick out your tongue. Chandler: (to Monica) Take off your shirt! (Chandler sticks out is tongue and it’s a horrible shade of green.) Monica: Oh my!! Joey: Oh my God! How many of these things did you have? These are pure vodka. Chandler: Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make. Rachel: (entering, to Ross) The most unbelievable thing happened to me today. Ross: Hi! Rachel: Hi! So I’m out having lunch at Monica’s and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale’s and there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and he’s gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview! Ross: Wow! Rachel: I know! Ross: What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason? Rachel: Uh-huh! Ross: And he’s, he’s a total stranger? Rachel: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something. Ross: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex. Rachel: What!? Ross: Well, I’m just saying, I mean why else would he just, y'know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason. Rachel: To be nice. Ross: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason? Joey: No, only for sex. Ross: Thank you. (to Rachel) So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me? Rachel: I didn’t have to, because I was wearing my ‘I heart Ross’ sandwich board and ringing my bell. Ross: Uh-huh. Joey’s Sisters: (entering) Joey!!! Happy Birthday!! (all 7 of them look almost identical) Joey: Hey!! Hey-hey-hey! Chandler: (to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing? Monica: How hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joey’s sisters. Chandler: Hi Joey’s sisters! Phoebe: (to one of his sisters, Cookie) Hey! Cookie: Hey. What are we drinkin’ over here. Phoebe: Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry juice. Cookie: No kiddin,’ that’s the exact same drink I made myself right after I sht my husband. Phoebe: Wow. Okay, I don’t know how to talk to you. (Cut to Chandler) Sister 1: (to Chandler) What ‘cha doing? Chandler: Oh, I’m taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer. Joey’s Sisters: Oh!! Chandler: No-no-no-no, no, it’s a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can’t we savor the precious moments? (to one of Joey’s sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have. (Cut to Ross and Monica) Ross: Hi. Monica: Hi. Ross: Yeah. So um, I-I heard about this ah, Mark guy that ah, Rachel met today. Monica: Isn’t that great? Ross: Oh yeah! So ah, kinda pretty, pretty good. He sounds like a nice, good guy. Monica: Oh, he is. And he is so dreamy. I mean, y'know what, when he left I actually used the phrase, ‘Hummina-hummina-hummina.’ (walks away) Ross: That’s excellent. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.] Ross: (to Rachel) So, he’s just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesn’t want anything in exchange for helping him? Rachel: Well, I assume I’ll have to take showers with him, but y'know, that’s true of any job. (Chandler enters hungover and groaning) Monica: How ya feelin’? Chandler: Well, my apartment isn’t there anymore, because I drank it. Phoebe: Where’d you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents. Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone. All: Woooo hoooo!!! Chandler: Ow, no ‘woo-hooing,’ no ‘woo-hooing.’ Phoebe: Why, what happened? Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joey’s sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, that’s not the worst part. Monica: What is the worse part? Chandler: I can’t remember which sister. Ross: (to Rachel) You see what men do! Don’t tell me men are not nice! (points to Chandler) This is men!! Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Monica: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to kll you, he’s actually going to kll you dad. Chandler: Okay! You don’t think I thought of that? Phoebe: How can you not know which one? Rachel: I mean that’s unbelievable. Monica: I mean, was it Gina? Ross: Which one is Gina? Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings. Monica: No, no, no, that’s Dina. Chandler: (to Monica) You see you can’t tell which one is which either, dwha!! Phoebe: We didn’t fool around with any of them. Dwha! Dwha! Chandler: Veronica. Look, it’s got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat. Monica: That was me. Chandler: Look, when I’ve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I’m sorry. Monica: That’s okay. Rachel: That’s all right. Ross: That’s okay. Joey: (angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to you for a second?! Ross: Hey, Joey. Rachel: Hey. (they all walk away from Chandler) Joey: Come on!! (motions for Chandler to come with him) Chandler: Why can’t we talk in here? With, with, witnesses. Joey: I just got off the phone with my sister. Ross: Ah, which, which one? Joey: Mary-Angela. Ross: Mary-Angela. Joey: Yeah. Monica: Y'know which one was she again? Joey: Why don’t you ask Chandler, ‘cause he’s the one that fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that true? Or are you just gettin’ over Janice by groping my sister. Chandler: It’s gotta be the first one. Joey: Really? That’s great! You and my sister, sittin’ in a tree. Chandler: Yep, I’m in a tree. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is writing letters as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Did he call? Did Mark call? Monica: No honey, I’m sorry, but the weekend’s not over yet. Rachel: Oh. (we hear laughing from the upstairs apartment) Oh my God, is that Phoebe? Monica: I guess they’re back from their date. (He starts to play music.) Rachel: Music. Very nice. (We hear them start making out upstairs.) Monica: Oh my God! Rachel: So, how are you? Monica: I am good. I finished my book. (Things start to get really hot upstairs.) Rachel: Oh yeah, what’s it about? Monica: I don’t remember. Do you wanna take a walk? Rachel: Yeah, I do. (they both run out) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading a letter that Chandler wrote.] Ross: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. How’s it going. This is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write. (to Chandler) What the hell’s a matter with you? How do you think Joey’s going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter? Chandler: Well, that’s the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually I’ll be in Cuba. Ross: All right, look, look, you’ve got to do this yourself, okay in person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela, okay, when which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy. Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela? Ross: Where in Cuba? [Scene: Joey’s sister’s house, Chandler hits himself on the head three times and knocks on the door three times. Joey answers it.] Chandler: (shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here? Joey: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you? Chandler: I’m here to see Mary-Angela. Joey: You are so the man! (motions him to come in, and he does) Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, ‘cause my Grandma doesn’t know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah. Chandler: Where’s Mary-Angela? Joey: She’s right in there. (motions to the living room) (Chandler walks into the living room, and sees all of Joey’s sisters, all wearing red.) Joey’s Sisters: Hey, Chandler! [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.] Rachel: I can’t believe Mark didn’t call. It’s Sunday night, and he didn’t call. Ross: Bummer. Rachel: (to Ross) Yeah, right. Look at you, you’re practically giddy. Ross: No, I’m genuinely sorry the Mark thing didn’t work out. Look, Rach, I want only good things for you. Monica: Wait a minute, why don’t you just call Mark. (they both look up in shock) I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him, you’ve got to make stuff happen. Ross: But, you, you don’t want to seem too pushy. Monica: (to Ross) Honey, it’s not pushy, he gave her his home number. Ross: (to Rachel, as she gets his number) What, he gave you his home number? As in like, to, to his home? Rachel: Yeah, and you don’t mind if I call, because you only want good things for me. Ross: That’s right good things, that-that is what I said. (glances at Monica) Rachel: (on phone) Hello, Mark? Hi, it’s Rachel Green. (listens) Oh no, don’t you apologize. (listens) Yeah, I’ll hold. (to Monica and Ross) He left my number at work, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers. Ross: That is so made up! Rachel: (on phone) Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow! That, no, it’s perfect. Oh God, thank you soo much. Great! Bye! (hangs up phone) I got the interview! Monica: Yay! Ross: There you go. Rachel: He even offered to meet me for lunch tomorrow to prep me for it. Monica: Oh, that is amazing! Ross: Yeah well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, I’d expect nothing less. Rachel: I got to figure out what I’m going to wear. Ross: High collar and baggy pants say I’m a pro. Rachel: Yeah! Right! Okay, I’ll see you guys later. (starts to leave) Woo hoo! Ross: You go get ‘em. (to Monica) What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way? Monica: What? Ross: ‘Why don’t you call him?!’ Well, thank you very much! Y'know now he is going to prep her, y'know prep her, as in what you do when you surgically remove the boyfriend! Monica: Are you crazy?! Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal. Monica: What?! Ross y'know this isn’t even about you! I mean this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if you’re right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too? Ross: No. Monica: I mean don’t you trust her? Ross: Well, yeah! Monica: Then get over yourself! Grow up! Ross: (shyly) You grow up. [Scene: Joey’s sister’s house, they’re finishing up dinner.] Chandler: This teramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela? Joey’s Grandmother: No! I did! Chandler: Well, it’s, it’s yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it? Joey’s Grandmother: Of course! It’s her favorite. Chandler: So um, Mary-Angela, what’s your second favorite? Joey’s Grandmother: More of Grandma’s teramisu. Chandler: Would you just please....give me the receipt ‘cause this is great. It’s top notch. Joey’s Grandmother: That dies with me. Chandler: So will I. Joey’s Sister: Excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom. Chandler: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesn’t mean anything. Joey’s Sister: (whispering in his ear) Just do it. Chandler: Will you excuse me I have to um..... (walks to the hall) [Cut to the hall, Joey’s sister runs up and grabs Chandler’s butt.] Chandler: (startled) Hey! Joey’s Sister: Finally, I thought we’d never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. (kisses him) Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gn here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and I’m not really in a, in a commitment kind of place. Joey’s Sister: So! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right you do have the softest lips. Chandler: Ahhhh, you’re not Mary-Angela. Joey’s Sister: No, I’m Mary-Theresa. Chandler: This is so bad. If-if you’re not Mary-Angela, then-then who is? Mary-Angela: (standing behind Chandler) I am! Chandler: Oh, this is soo bad. (doesn’t see Mary-Angela) Mary-Angela: Joey!!! Chandler: No Joey! No Joey! Don’t Joey! Joey! Joey: What’s goin’ on? Chandler: (pats him on the shoulder) You’re it! Now run and hide! Mary-Theresa: It’s no big deal. Chandler was just kissin’ me because he thought I was Mary-Angela. Joey: What?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela? Chandler: I wasn’t sure which one Mary-Angela was. (all of Joey’s sisters gasp) Look, I’m sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar. Joey’s Sister: I say, punch him Joey. All: Yeah! Punch him!! Chandler: Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brother’s not going to punch me. (to Joey) Are ya? Joey: Well, that is usually what I would do. But I just never thought you’d be on the receiving end of it. How could you do this?! Chandler: Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, you’re my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again. Cookie: So what. I say, punch him. All: Yeah! Punch him! Punch him! Joey: No! No! No! No, I’m not going to punch Chandler. Cookie: I’ll do it. Joey: No you won’t. Look he knows he did a terrible thing and I believe him, he’s sorry. But, (to Chandler) you’ve got one more apology to make, all right, you’ve got to apologize to Mary-Angela. Chandler: Okay, absolutely! Joey: All right. Chandler: You’ve got it. (he starts to look at his sister’s, but he still doesn’t know which one is Mary-Angela.) Joey: Cookie, now you can punch him! Chandler: What?! (Cookie punches him) [Scene: A lobby, Ross is waiting for Rachel, after her interview.] Rachel: (getting of the elevator and noticing Ross) Hey! Ross: Hi! Rachel: What are you doing here? Ross: Ah y'know, this building is on my paper route so I... (gives her a flower) Rachel: Oh. Ross: Hi. (kisses her) Rachel: Hi. Ross: How’d did it go? Rachel: Oh well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but y'know thank God Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall line, she got all happy and wouldn’t shut up. Ross: I’m so proud of you. Rachel: Me too! Ross: Listen, I’m ah, I’m sorry I’ve been so crazy and jealous and, it’s just that I like you a lot, so... Rachel: I know. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. Mark: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. (turns around) Hi Mark! Mark: Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you. You got it, you got the job. Rachel: Oh, I did! Mark: Yes. Rachel: (to Ross) Oh my God!! (she turns around and hugs Mark, not Ross) Ross: Congratu!! (sees her hug Mark) -lations-lations. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The entire gng is there.] Monica: So ah, Phoebe, how was your date? Phoebe: Oh well y'know. (laughs) Monica: Yeah, I do know. Phoebe: Ick, you were eavesdropping. Rachel: Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down. Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. But I really like this guy. And I think he really happens to like me. (We hear the sound of a bed creaking through the ceiling, and him moaning.) Ross: Maybe he’s just jumping on a pogo-stick and really likes it? (We hear a women start moaning.) Ross: Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too? Joey: All right, that’s it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. (gets up) This guy is going to get the butt kicking of a lifetime! (stops and turns around and asks Rachel) But, is he a big guy? Ross: Ah, we’ll all go. (motions to Chandler) Come on. (the guys leave) Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Thank you. Chandler: Don’t worry. Phoebe: God, I hope they kick his ass! Rachel: Honey, I’m sorry. Monica: Y'know if it’s any consolation, he really did sound like he was having more fun with you. (Rachel nods in agreement) (We the guys knock on the door upstairs, and the guy answering it.) Guy: (muffled) May I help you? (We hear the guys start to att*ck him, but the guy manages to calm them down and gets them to agree to what he did. Monica throws up her hands in disgust.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x11 - The One Where Chandler Can\u2019t Remember Which Sister"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her first day.] Rachel: (running in from her bedroom, wearing only a towel) Okay. Hey. Umm. Does everybody hate these shoes? Chandler: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress. Rachel: (to Ross) Tell him. Ross: (to Chandler) It's her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her! Chandler: All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday? Ross: Why? Chandler: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist. Ross: Oh God. Y'know, botanists are such geeks. Chandler: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie? Ross: Hmm? Oh, yeah. (he makes a growling sound) Phoebe: (entering, with about 20 purses hanging around her neck) Morning. Rach, I'm here with the purses! Chandler: (to Phoebe) It must take you forever to find your keys. Rachel: (running into the living room) Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs. Phoebe: Your welcome, oh please not the one with the turtles. Rachel: No, no, no, no turtles scare me. I don't need that today. Ross: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch? Rachel: Oh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out. Ross: Mark is that ah, the same Mark that helped you get the job? Rachel: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox? Phoebe: Umm, no, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it. Rachel: Oh. Chandler: (to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on Friday? Ross: What? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I invited to this again? Chandler: Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper. Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so clich�. Why don't you get a magician?! Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right. Opening Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are entering, Joey is on the phone.] Ross: She's having lunch with him. She's having lunch with him. And you should of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, (to Joey) he's really good looking. (Joey gives an enthusiastic thumbs up) What am I gonna do? Chandler: Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Don't cry outloud. Joey: (hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical? Chandler: I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer. Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco. Ross: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities. Joey: What? Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em. Joey: Who? Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes. Joey: The what? Chandler: The abridgment. Joey: Oh, okay. (to Ross) The what? [Scene: Rachel's office, Mark is training Rachel.] Mark: ...and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far? Rachel: Yeah. What kind of discount do we get? Mark: Twenty percent. Rachel: Oh!! I love this job! (her phone rings) Wow! My first call. Mark: Here, let me. (answers phone) Rachel Green's line, how may I help you? Ross: (on phone) Hi, is Rachel there? Mark: And who may I say is calling? Ross: This is Ross? Mark: Ross of..... Ross: Of Ross and Rachel. Mark: Oh hi. It's, it's Mark. Ross: Oh hey, hey Mark. Mark: Hey, hold on a second. Ross: Okay. Rachel: Hi honey! Ross: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing answering your phone? Rachel: Oh, he's just goofing around. Ross: Ohhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah, why isn't he goofing around in his own office? Rachel: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants. Ross: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she? Rachel: Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do? Ross: What? Rachel: I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Oh honey, I gotta go. (to Mark) Mark, I need you! Ross: Okay, bye-bye. (starts slamming the receiver down in anger.) Rachel: Ow! Ross!! Ross: Oh, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, I'm dialing another number. (hangs up) [Scene: The Moondance diner, Monica is cleaning up with one of the waiters, with her back turned to him she removes her fake breasts and hides them under her wig.] Jeannine: (to Monica) All right, I just got changed in thirty seconds so you can be alone with him. You'd better go for it. Monica: Please, I'm not going for anything. Jeannine: Well, if you don't, I will. Monica: Would you please go? Jeannine: Night Mon. Night Julio. Julio: (to Jeannine) Adios. (Monica starts wiping down the stools, as Julio follows along behind her replacing the napkin holders.) Monica: Look Julio, someone left their book here. Julio: Ah actually, that is mine. Monica: Oh yeah, what are you reading? Julio: Flowers of Evil, by Beaudalire. Have you read it? Monica: Have I read it? (pause) No, are you enjoying it? Julio: I thought I would, but the translation's no good. Monica: Your a poet and don't know it. (she turns away and makes a face like 'I can't believe I just said that.') Julio: Actually I ah, I am a poet. Monica: Oh, then you do know it. (pause) So um what kind of things do you write about? Julio: Things that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a child laughing, or this lip. (points to her lip) Monica: Mine? (points to her lower lip) Right here? Julio: I can write an epic poem about this lip. (grabs her lower lip) Monica: How would that go? (they kiss) Well, it didn't rhyme, but I liked it. [Scene: Joey's audition.] Joey: (singing) You've got to pick a pocket or two. Boyyyyssss, (picks a handkerchief from the pianist's pocket) you've got to pick a pocket or two.......... Director: Lovely, just lovely. Joey: Really? Thanks. Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday. Joey: Excellent, I'll be there. Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition. Joey: Ahhh! My ah, my agent said it wasn't a dancing part. Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading Joey's resume.] Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?! Joey: Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay. I wasn't one of the Zoom Kids either. Phoebe: Well, can you dance at all? Joey: Yeah, I can dance, y'know. (starts to dance really, really, really badly) Chandler: Oh no, no, no, no. Phoebe: (covering her mouth in shock) What, what is that? Joey: Sure, it looks stupid now, there's no music playing. (phone rings) Chandler: All right, I have to get that, but no-no. (answering phone) Hello? (listens) (happily) Hi! Yeah listen, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. (listens) Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? (listens) So would I, would I have to provide the grapes? Monica: (entering) Hi! Phoebe: Oh, how was last night with Julio, senorita? Monica: It was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even sexier. Oh gosh, I gotta so you this. Last night, we were fooling around and he stops to write a poem. Joey: Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor ht me. Chandler: Okay, we have our stripper. A miss Crystal Chandelier. Joey: Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be? Monica: Anyway um, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally dense about poetry, but I think it's pretty good all right. Check it out. (hands them the poem) Joey: (reading) The Empty Vase. Translucent beauty... Chandler: To yourself. (finishing) Hey-hey-hey, y'know what that's pretty good. Monica: Oh good, I think so too. Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh yeah. Monica: Oh, I'm so glad you guys like it. Yay! All right I gotta go to work. (tries to take the poem) Joey: Whoa, I'm not done. Monica: All right, just give it back to me when your done. See you guys. Chandler: Bye-bye. (Monica leaves) Phoebe: Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica! Chandler: What, what, what?! Phoebe: What?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, (reading) 'My vessel so empty with nothing inside. Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still.' He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase! Chandler: You really think that is what he meant? Phoebe: Oh, totally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so happy too. Joey: Done. [Scene: Rachel's office, her desk is covered with stuff Ross has sent her.] Mark: (reaching through the flowers) Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file? Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm... (she picks up this bug and it starts to play the theme from Love Story) Mark: Wh-what's that? Ross: It's from Ross, it's a love bug. Mark: Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend. Rachel: Oh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not, what he is doing. He's just, he's just really romantic. Man: (to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green? Rachel: Yes. Man: (being joined by the rest of the barbershop quartet) One, two, three... Quartet: (singing) Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won't be long before your the boss. The Bass Barber: Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah. Quartet: (singing) And you know who will be there to support... you?! Your one and only boyfriend... The Bass Barber: It's nice to have a boyfriend. Quartet: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross..... Ross! Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering the living room from her bedroom.] Ross: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt! Rachel: All right Ross!! I get it!! Ross: I mean my God... Rachel: You're hurt! Ross: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre!! Rachel: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk! Ross: I would never do that! Rachel: Look, I know what's going on here, okay, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do. Ross: Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey are there.] Joey: Mark's a genius! Ross: Why?! How?! How is he a genius? Chandler: Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you. Ross: What am I going to do? Chandler: Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits. Ross: I don't know you guys. Chandler: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.' Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!' Chandler: He paints quite a picture doesn't he? [Scene: Rachel's office.] Woman: (walking up to Mark) Here's the Shelly Siegal stuff from December. Mark: (turning around) And wait, I've got something for you. (kisses her) Woman: Mark!! Mark: It's okay, Rachel knows. Woman: Yeah, but even soo. (Ross appears in the hallway just outside of Rachel's office.) Mark: I can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy about you. Rachel: Ohhh! That is soo sweet! (gets up to get herself a cup of coffee) (Ross is eavesdropping in the hallway.) Mark: Okay, okay look, I know I'm being Mr. Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough, I mean see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you, come on no one's around, just, just kiss me. (They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office to break it up.) Ross: All right that's, that's it!! Get off her! Mark: What is going on? Ross: What's going on?! (throws the love bug at him) That's what's going on!! Rachel: (now standing behind Ross) Ross! (Ross finally looks at the woman kissing Mark.) Ross: I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! (turns to Rachel) Hi Rach. (He's puts his hand on her shoulder and she knocks it away.) [Scene: Joey's dance audition, Joey is warming up.] Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island. Joey: So, does that mean the audition is off? Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination. Joey: What?! Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, (very quickly, Joey watches stunned) up, pas de bouree, pas de bouree, big turn here, grand sissone, sissone, sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands! Joey: It's ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands. Director: Have fun. Joey: Bye. (does the jazz hands) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is tying a ribbon to a vase.] Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey. Phoebe: What are you wrapping? Monica: Oh-ho, look what I got Julio. Phoebe: Yeah, it's a vase. Monica: Yeah, just like the one in the poem. Phoebe: Well not exactly like the one in the poem. Monica: What do you mean? Phoebe: Remember how you said you were really dense about poetry? Oh. (hugs her) [Scene: The Moondance Diner.] Monica: (to Julio) So! I'm just an empty vase, huh? Julio: What? Monica: Y'know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And y'know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does not mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me. Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Monica: You don't even know me... Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you. Monica: What? Julio: The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby, you make me so sad that you would think this. Monica: I'm sorry, my friend Phoebe... Julio: No, it's about all women. Well, all American women. You feel better now? Monica: (sarcastically) Oh yeah. [Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination.] Director: All right, let's do it! (The group does the same horrible dance that Joey did earlier in the show, except they're all out of sync and they do the jazz hands at the end.) Director: No, no, no. What was that? Joey: I know, it was the best I could get out of them. Director: Well, people! Joey: People, people, people. Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show 'em how it's done. (to the pianist) Count it off. (The pianist starts to play, and Joey readies himself, and then runs out of the audition.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are there.] Rachel: So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night? Chandler: Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (holds up a pen) See, she's fully dressed, right? Rachel: Right. Chandler: And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street, she's window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked! (Rachel just stares at him.) Ross: (entering) Hi. Rachel: Hello. Chandler: Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen. Ross: (sits down next to her) I'm sorry, I was an idiot. Rachel: A big idiot. Ross: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me. (gn is eavesdropping in the background.) Rachel: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been together for almost a year now? Ross: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else is not going to take you away. gn: Let it be me! Let it be me! Rachel: Honey, that's very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to be jealous. (she kisses him) Ross: I gotta get going. Bye Chandler. Chandler: Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some prn? Rachel: Where ya going? Ross: Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a play date this afternoon. Rachel: Ohh, with who? Ross: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at the party. Rachel: There was a woman at the... (realizes) The stripper?! Ross: Yeah. Rachel: You have a play date with a stripper?! Chandler: Man, I gotta get a kid. (looks at the pen and starts laughing) Ross: Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she y'know, did her thing. And it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're taking them to a gym-boree class. Why, is that okay? Rachel: Sure, is she married? Ross: Ahh, no. Rachel: Oh. (starts shaking the sugar down in a packet really hard.) Ross: Are you jealous? Rachel: Noo, I y'know I don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have any y'know other stripper moms friends of her own? Ross: You are totally jealous. Rachel: I'm not jealous. All right this is about, umm, people feeling certain things y'know about strippers. And y'know, and um, I... Ross: Honey, I love you too. Rachel: Ugh. Wait, wait, wait. Ross: What? (She runs over and gives him a very passionate kiss.) Ross: Huh. Rachel: (to Chandler) Well, there's a kiss that he won't forget for a couple of hours, y'know. Chandler: Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper. Closing Credits [Scene: The Moondance Diner.] Man: (entering) Is there a Julio here? Julio: (to him) I am Julio. (The rest of barbershop quartet enters, and joins him.) Man: (singing) Mister Pretensous, (Monica stands up in the background) you think there's no one finer, well but your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner. Quartet: Your no God's gift to women, that's all in your headdddd. You are just a buttmunch. Bass Singer: No one likes a buttmunch. Quartet: And your also bad in bedd-edd-edd!. (Monica waves at Julio.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x12 - The One With All The Jealousy"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Michael Borkow Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: A Video Store, Monica is running in to return a video.] Monica: (to clerk) Hi. (The clerk enters the video into the computer.) Clerk: Six dollars, please. Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It’s three. Clerk: Eight o’clock is the cut-off and, (looks at his watch) aww, it’s 8:02. Monica: Y'know in a weird way, you have too much power. Look, you’re gonna have to help me out here, ‘cause I only have three. Richard: (standing behind her, without his moustache) I can help with that. Monica: Oh my God. Richard? (turns around) Hi! Richard: Hi! Monica: Wow! Your lip went bald. (Richard pays the clerk) Hey, thanks. Richard: So, you look great. Monica: Right. Richard: No you do. You... just... Monica: What? Richard: You’ve got panties stuck to your leg. Monica: (removes them) That’s because I-I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer, and it’s static cling. Or maybe it’s just that God knew I’d be running into you and saw an opportunity. Richard: It’s good to see you. Monica: It’s good to see you too. (They hug, and Richard notices a stocking stuck to Monica’s back, which he removes for her.) Opening Credits [Scene: continued from earlier.] Monica: You see that guy? He’s in classics now, but y'know as soon as we leave he’s going straight to the prn. Richard: He’s gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Clockwork Orgy. (they both laugh) This is nice. Monica: Yeah. Richard: I missed this. Monica: Me too. Richard: So, you wanna get a hamburger or something? Monica: Oh, um, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Richard: Oh. Look, just friends, I won’t grope you. I promise. Monica: No, I just I think that it’s too soon. Richard: No it’s not too soon, I had lunch at a eleven. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Ross. Joey, and Rachel are eating breakfast. Chandler is holding a bottle of Hersey’s Syrup.] Chandler: Yeah, baby! Ross: What are you doing? Chandler: Making chocolate milk. Do you want some? Ross: No thanks. I’m 29. Rachel: (looking at her watch) Oh my God, I gotta go to work! Ross: Oh sweetie, when do you think you’re going to get off tonight? Rachel: Oh I don’t know honey. It’s gonna be really late. Ross: Oh come on, not again. Rachel: I know. I’m sorry. Look, I’ll make a deal with you all right? Okay? Ross: Hmm. Rachel: For every night that you’re asleep before I get home from work... Ross: Yeah. Rachel: I will wake you up in a way that’s proved very popular in the past. Ross: Now, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that. Rachel: Right. Phoebe: (entering, holding a pair of Roller Blades) Hi. All: Hey. Joey: (to Phoebe) Look at you. Since when do you roller blade? Phoebe: Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like y'know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so y'know we made a deal that’s he’s going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff. Ross: And what are you going to do for him? Phoebe: I’m going to let him. Ross: Okay. Joey: Cool. Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Morning. All: Hey. Rachel: Somebody got in late last night. Monica: Yeah well, I ran into Richard. (They all gasp) Rachel: When did this happen? Monica: Oh, um, around 8:02. We ah, talked for a little while, and then um, we went out for an innocent burger. Phoebe: Oh, there’s no such thing as an innocent burger. Ross: So, are you gonna see him again? Monica: Tomorrow night. Rachel: Monica, what are you doing? Chandler: Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she’s celebrating that by going on a date with him. Monica: It’s not a date, okay. I’m just gonna teach him how to make lasagne for some pot luck dinner he has. Joey: Well, you might wanna make a little extra, y'know you’ll probably be hungry after the sex. Monica: We’re not gonna have sex! Okay, nothing’s changed here. He still doesn’t want children and I still do, so that’s why we’re just gonna be friends. Ross: Naked friends. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.] Rachel: (entering) Hey. Joey: Hey. Rachel: Do you have any ice? Joey: Check the freezer. If there’s none in there, then we’re probably out. Are you just getting in from work? It’s late. Rachel: Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day though, I got to sit in on the meeting with the reps from Calvin Klien. I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your day? Joey: I discovered I’m able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue. Rachel: Hmm. (she opens the freezer) Umm, why do you have a copy of The Shining in your freezer? Joey: Oh, I was reading it last night, and I got scared, so. Rachel: But ah, you’re safe from it if it’s in the freezer? Joey: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure we’ve got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know. Rachel: How often do you read it? Joey: Haven’t you ever read the same book over and over again? Rachel: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean that’s a classic, what’s so great about The Shining? Joey: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about The Shining. Okay? And the answer would be: nothing. All right? This is like the scariest book ever. I bet it’s way better than that classic of yours. Rachel: Okay. Ah, well we’ll just see about that, okay. I will read The Shining, (she tries to take the book away from him but he doesn’t want to let it go) and you will read Little Women. Joey: All right, you got it. Rachel: All right. Joey: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Joey: Ah, now Rach, these ah, these little women. Rachel: Yeah. Joey: How little are they? I mean, are they like scary little? [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there, Phoebe is entering with her date Robert.] Phoebe: Um, Chandler, Ross, this is Robert. Chandler: Oh, hey. Robert: Hi. Ross: Hey. Phoebe: (to Robert) You’ve have lipstick right here (points to her cheek). That’s okay, it’s mine, we just kissed. Ross: Oh. Chandler: (to Robert) So ah, isn’t a bit cold out for shorts? Robert: Well, I’m from California. Chandler: Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flames. (Robert leans back on the arm of the chair and allows Chandler to see up his shorts and sees ‘little Robert.’ Chandler is horrified by this view.) Chandler: (standing up) I’m up! I’m up, I’ve gotten up now! Anybody ah, want anything? Phoebe: I’ll have coffee. Robert: Yeah, me too. Ross: Yeah, make that three. Chandler: Okay Ross, why don’t you come with me? Ross: Okay. (goes over to the counter) (to Chandler) What ah, what is the matter with you? What’s going on? Chandler: Robert’s coming out. Ross: What, what do you mean, what? Is he gay? Chandler: No. He.....he’s coming out of his shorts. Ross: What?! Chandler: The man is showing brain. Ross: Are you sure? (Chandler nods: Yes!) Hold on. (walks over behind the couch) I’m sorry you guys, that was a coffee and a.... Robert: Coffee. Ross: Okay. Robert: We could write it down for you? Ross: No, no, that won’t be ah, that won’t be necessary (leans down and looks up Robert’s shorts, seeing Robert’s package.) Chandler: (to Ross) Wellll? Ross: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Chandler: What do we do? What do we do? Ross: Well, I suppose we just try to not look directly at it. Chandler: Like an eclipse. (Ross nods his head.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is teaching Richard how to make lasagne.] Richard: So when people complement me on my cooking should I, what do I say? Monica: You say ‘Thank you very much,’ and then you buy me something pretty. Come on, we’re gonna put are hands in this bowl, and we’re gonna start squishing the tomatoes. (They both start squishing the tomatoes.) Richard: Ew, this feels very weird. Monica: You touch people’s eyeballs every day and this feels weird. Richard: Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them. (Monica grabs his hand in the tomatoes.) That’s my hand. Monica: Oops. Richard: Okay. Monica: Gotta keep squishing. Richard: Tomatoes are squishing. Monica: Okay. (Richard squishes a little too hard and some lands on his shirt.) Richard: Op. Monica: Oh, gosh, you got some on your shirt. Richard: Yeah. Monica: Hold on a second, just put a little club soda on it (does so) and it should umm, be..... (She is rubbing his chest and her voice trails off into silence, a long pause follows.) Richard: What? Monica: Umm, you’ve got some on your pants. Richard: I’ll just throw them out. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is watching Joey read Little Women, Ross is also there.] Joey: These little women. Wow! Chandler: Your liking it, huh? Joey: Oh yeah! Amy just brned Jo’s manuscript. I don’t see how he could ever forgive her. Ross: Umm, Jo’s a girl, it’s short for Josephine. Joey: But Jo’s got a crush on Laurie. (Ross nods his head) Oh. You mean it’s like a girl-girl thing? ‘Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining. Chandler: No, actually Laurie’s a boy. Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times. (Enter Phoebe and Robert) Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Ross: Hey! How’d the ah, basketball go? Phoebe: Oh, okay, I learned how to sh*t a lay-up, a foul sht, and a twenty-three pointer. Chandler: You mean a three pointer? Phoebe: Oh, I get more because I’m dainty. Robert: So um, is there a phone here, I can check my messages? Phoebe: Yeah, in the back. You want a quarter? Robert: Oh, no thanks. I always carry one in my sock. (He puts his leg up on the couch to get the quarter, once again exposing himself to Chandler and Ross. In horror, Chandler, slides over and leans against Joey on the couch.) Joey: (noticing Chandler) What are you doing? (he pushes Chandler back to his side of the couch) Get back over on your side of the... (sees Robert in all his glory) Hello!! (to Robert) Hi, I’m Joey, we haven’t met. Robert: Ah, good to meet you. Robert. (Robert walks away and the guys all start laughing in front of Phoebe.) Phoebe: What? (the guys keep laughing.) What? You guys, what is going on? You not like Robert? (the guys keep laughing.) Why are you laughing?! Ross: Calm down. There’s no reason to get testy. (The guys start laughing harder.) Phoebe: You guys!! Come on! Chandler: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it just seems that Robert isn’t as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may have hoped. Phoebe: What do you mean? Robert: Hey. (sits down) Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Hey Robert, could you ah, ha, pass me those cookies? Robert: Sure. (He puts his leg up on the table to pass Joey the cookies, and Phoebe sees what the guys are laughing at, and gasps.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to Richard on the phone.] Monica: So, how’d the lasagne go over? (listens) Really?! Good. So you owe me three pretty things. (listens) Yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about you too. (listens) I know. It’s hard this whole platonic thing. (listens) It’s a word! (There’s a knock on the door.) Monica: Yeah, I do think it’s better this way. (listens) Yeah, we’re being smart. (gets up to answer the door) (listens) Yes, I’m sure.(she opens the door and it’s Richard) Richard: You really sure? Monica: I’ll call you back. (starts kissing him) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica’s bedroom, she’s in bed with Richard.] Monica: So we can be friends who sleep together. Richard: Absolutely, this will just be something we do, like racquetball. Monica: Sounds smart and healthy to me. So um, just out of curiosity, um, do you currently have any other racquetball buddies? Richard: Just your dad. (pause) Although that’s actually racquetball. You know I-I do have a blind date with my sister’s neighbour next Tuesday. Monica: Oh. Richard: You want me to cancel it? Monica: No! (pushes him) No! Richard: Okay. Monica: ‘Cause if you do that means you’d be cancelling it for me, and we’re just friends. Richard: Exactly. (pushes her back) [Scene: Central Perk, Robert is picking up Phoebe for a date.] Robert: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Ooh! Don’t sit down! Robert: You ready to go to the batting cage? Phoebe: Yeah. And, first here’s a gift. Robert: Oh! Wow! Hey! Chandler: Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day! Robert: Jeez, thank you really that is so nice. But um, to be honest, I don’t think I can wear these, they’re so tight, I feel like I’m on display. I’m sorry. Phoebe: That’s all right, that’s well, I figured.... (they start to leave as Joey enters.) Robert: (to Joey) Hey! Joey: Hey! (starts to laugh.) How’s it going? Ross: Good. Joey: Hey, Rach, how you doing with The Shining? Rachel: Oh, Danny just went into room 217. Joey: Oooh, the next part’s the best, when that dad lady in the bathtub... Rachel: Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you’re gonna ruin it! Joey: All right I’ll talk in code. (to Ross and Chandler) Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway? Chandler: Hmmm, that’s very cool. Joey: Oh, all blank, and no blank, make’s blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww! Rachel: Joey! I can’t believe you just did that! Chandler: I can’t believe she cracked your code! Rachel: All right, okay, Laurie proposes to Jo, and she says no, even though she’s still in love with him, and then he ends up marring Amy. Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right, the boiler explodes and destroys the hotel, and kills the dad. Rachel: Eh. Beth dies. (Joey recoils and gasps in horror.) Joey: Beth, Beth dies? Rachel: Um-hmm. Joey: Is that true? If I keep reading is Beth gonna die? Chandler: No, Beth doesn’t die, she doesn’t die. Does she Rachel? Rachel: What?! Ross: Joey’s asking if you’ve just ruined the first book he’s ever loved that didn’t star Jack Nicholson? Rachel: No. She doesn’t die. Joey: Then why would you say that?! Rachel: Because, I wanted to hurt you. Robert: (running in) Oh, there they are! I-I dropped my keys. (He bends over to pick them up, right in front of Rachel, who then gets a free peep show.) Rachel: (gasps) Oh my.... Robert: Got ‘em. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading The Shining, as Monica enters.] Monica: Hi. Rachel: (screams and grabs a potato masher to defend herself) Sorry. I’m sorry. Monica: You would not believe my day! I had to work two shifts, and then to top it off, I lost one of my fake boobs, (opens her coat revealing a large burn mark over her left breast.) in a grill fre. (Rachel starts laughing.) Monica: What are you smiling at? Rachel: I’m sorry, I was just thinking you’re day could still pick up. Monica: Yeah, right. (She goes into her bedroom, and sees Richard who has covered the room in roses and has two glasses of wine and a rose between his lips.) Richard: Hello. Monica: I love this friend thing! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there.] Phoebe: Listen, Robert’s gonna be here any second so, will one of you just tell him? Ross: Oh. Phoebe: Please, right now, no, every time I see him it’s like ‘Is it on the lose?’ ‘Is it watching me?’ Chandler: We can’t tell him, you can’t go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his.... stuff. Ross: He’s right, even if it’s to say something complementary. (He stops and thinks about what he just said.) Robert: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Robert: (to Phoebe) So are ready for the gym? They’ve got this new rock climbing wall, we can spot each other. Phoebe: No, I can spot you from here. Robert: What? Phoebe: Okay, listen Robert... Ross: (to Chandler) Hey, don’t we have to... Chandler: Yeah, we got, um-hmm. Phoebe: Umm, I think you’re really, really great... Robert: Oh God! Here we go again. Why does this keep happening to me? (spreads his legs) Is it something I’m putting out there? Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts? Phoebe: I-I-I-I-I don’t know, I don’t know what to say. gn: (cleaning up the table) (to Robert) Hey buddy, this is a family place, put the mouse back in the house. (Robert looks down and realises the problem.) [Scene: Richard’s bedroom, Monica has covered it in rose pedals and candles. We hear Richard come in to the apartment, and Monica frantically throws the rest of the pedals on the bed, and jumps onto the bed and puts a rose in her mouth, and bites a thorn.] Monica: Ow! Richard: (outside the bedroom) Really?! Well, it’s just like everyone else’s apartment. It’s got rooms, walls, and ceilings. Richard’s Date: Well, I just wanted to see where you lived. Now, give me the tour. Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! (She frantically tries to clean up the bedroom as Richard starts the tour.) Richard: Ah well, this is the living room. Richard’s Date: Impressive. Richard: All right. This is the kitchen. Richard’s Date: Oh, that’s real pretty. Wait a minute, don’t I get to see the bedroom? Richard: The bedroom. Well it’s pretty much your typical... (opens the door as Monica hides under the covers, and quickly closes the door before his date can see the room.) bedroom. Richard’s Date: We’re still on this side of the door. Richard: Um-hmm. Richard’s Date: Yeah, but I didn’t get to see it. Richard: Oh sh*t! Maybe next time. (yawns) Thanks for a lovely evening. (shows her out) [Cut to into the bedroom, with Monica still hiding under the covers. Richard enters and sits down next to her.] Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) So um, who was she? Richard: Oh, (laughs) that was the blind date that I told you about, she called and switched it to today. Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) Did you like her? And I’m just asking as a friend, because I am totally fine with this. Richard: Well, you seem fine. Monica: (gets up) Okay, y'know what, I’m not fine, I’m not. I mean how can I be fine, hearing you come in with her, she wants to see your bedroom.... (pause) Y'know what, what if we’re friends who don’t see other people? Richard: You mean like exclusive friends? Monica: Why not?! I mean this has been the most amazing week. Would it be so terrible? Even if we were friends who lived together. Or, maybe someday friends who stood up in front of their other friends, and vowed to be friends forever. Richard: Wow. Y'know we’re back where we were. Honey, I would love to do all that, but nothing’s changed. Monica: That’s not true, you don’t have a moustache. Richard: Okay, okay, one thing’s changed. But we still want different things and we know how this is gonna end. Monica: Y'know what, I’ve got to walk out of here right now, ‘cause getting over you is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I don’t think I could do it again. Richard: I know I couldn’t. So.... (Monica kisses him.) Monica: How ‘bout one last game of racquetball? (They both kiss, and Richard picks her up and goes over to the bed and starts to lie down.) Monica: Watch the thorns! Richard: (lying down) Ow!! Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, and he’s very dejected.] Rachel: What? Joey: Beth is really, really sick. Rachel: Awwww. Joey: Jo’s there, but I don’t think there’s anything she could do. (Rachel hugs him) Rachel: Joey? Joey: Yeah. Rachel: Do you want to put the book in the freezer? Joey: (nodding his head) Okay. Rachel: Okay. (Joey hands her the book and she puts it in the freezer.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x13 - The One Where Monica and Richard Are Friends"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, the gng, except Rachel, is watching a new singer.] Singer: (singing) ‘Cause every time I see your face, I can’t help but fall from grace. I know..... Joey: Wow! This girl is good. Phoebe: Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Oo, I never thought of that before. Chandler: I like her. Phoebe: (to Chandler) Why? Because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time? Chandler: Well, that’s pretty much all I’m looking for from these people. Monica: (to Phoebe) Look at you. All jealous. Ross: Yeah Pheebs, come on, you two have completely different styles. Y'know, she’s more..(shakes his shoulders, like he’s dancing) y'know, and you’re more (sees the look from Phoebe and stops) Singer: (singing) beside meeeee-eeee-ee. (everyone applauds her). Phoebe: Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she’s done. Singer: Okay, my next song’s called: Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn’t Have Left You That Way. (The gng all looks at Phoebe.) Phoebe: Oh no, one of those ‘look for the hidden meaning’ songs. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, later.] Singer: Hey Phoebe. Phoebe: Hey Leslie, how’d you know I’d be here? Leslie: I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm.... Chandler: (to Ross) All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I’d like know whether that’s several big fish or just one big fish. Joey: (to Leslie) So ah, Phoebe tells us you write jingles. Phoebe: Actually I said she abandoned me to write jingles. Joey: (to Leslie) Ah, anything we might of heard of? Leslie: Ah, yeah, umm. (singing) Home is never far away.. Monica, Ross, and Joey: (joining in) Home is Home Star stew. Leslie: Yeah, but, I don’t do that anymore. I got kinda sick of it, and then I couldn’t come up with anything good, so they fired me. Phoebe: Hmm, bummer. Leslie: Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe you’d want to get back together? Phoebe: No. But thanks. Leslie: Aw come on Phoebe would you just think about it? Phoebe: Okay. No. But thanks. Leslie: Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs. (leaves) Joey: (to Phoebe) Wow, that was kinda brutal. Phoebe: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, y’know. Very cold, hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I have a tissue, please? Monica: Yeah, sure. [Scene: Outside the bathroom, Chandler is pacing back and fourth, waiting is use it.] gn: (to Chandler) Someone in there? Chandler: No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called ‘wait until the last moment before I burst and die.’ (The door opens.) Chandler: Jeez, man did you fall..(sees it’s a beautiful woman coming out of the men’s room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high? Woman: Someone was in the lady's room, I couldn’t wait. I left the lid up for ya though. (gn walks up) Chandler: (to gn) Y'know what gn, go ah, go ahead, I’m-I’m talking to ah, (tries to get her to say her name). (to her) This is the part where you say your name. Woman: Ginger. Chandler: Ginger. I’m talking to Ginger, so.... Ginger: Don’t you have to use the bathroom? Chandler: Nope, nope, I’d just ah, I’d rather talk to you. (pause) Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom. (knocks on the door) gn: Someone in here. [Scene: Central Perk, the gng’s putting their coats on to leave.] Phoebe: Where’s Chandler? Joey: Ah, he can’t make it, he said he had to his... (sees Ginger) Whoa-oh! (hides behind the coat rack.) Ginger: Joey? Joey Tribbiani? (She walks over behind the coat rack, but Joey picks it up and moves it so that he’s still behind it, and she can’t see him.) Ginger: Joey I can see you okay? You’re hiding behind the coats. (Joey puts his finger over his mouth to tell Ross to keep quiet. Ginger looks at Monica who looks away and leave.) Joey: Phew, close one. [Scene: Rachel’s office, Mark is packing his stuff into a box.] Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi, sweetie! Ross: Hello. Mark: Hi, Ross. Ross: Yeah, huh. Rachel: I’ve got some bad news. Ross: What? Rachel: I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I have to come back up here. Ross: Come on sweetie! You’ve had to work late every night for the past two weeks, what is it this time? Mark: Actually, it’s kinda my fault. I-I quit today. Ross: (to Rachel) But work comes first! (to Mark) Oh hey, but that’s sad about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya? Rachel: Nooo, he’s leaving for a better job. Ross: Oh well that’s great, so I guess this is ah, this is good bye then. Huh? (picks a pad up off Rachel’s desk and tosses it into his box) Good bye. Mark: Okay, then. Ross: Okay. Rachel: Well we’re gonna miss you around here. Mark: Yeah, me too. (Rachel goes to hug him but Ross is holding one of her hands and doesn’t let go, so she can only put one arm around him.) Mark: So, see ya on Saturday. Rachel: Yeah, you bet. (Ross is shocked, but Rachel drags him out of the office.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are playing with a Ouija board, Phoebe’s beeper goes off and Monica screams.] Phoebe: Oh. (takes her beeper puts in a pot, covers it, and puts the pot in the oven) Monica: Y'know those are a delicacy in India. Phoebe: Yeah, that was Leslie calling again to see if we can get back together. That’s the twentieth time today! And good luck Leslie! Monica: Wow, she must have hurt you pretty bad, huh? Phoebe: Well, yeah. Y'know, we were best friends, ever since we were little, our Moms worked on the barge together. Monica: Oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge. Phoebe: You never run on a barge! Joey: (entering) Hey. Phoebe and Monica: Hey. Joey: Is ah, is Chandler around? Monica: No, umm, he met some girl at the coffee house. Joey: Oooh. Monica: Yeah, Ginger something. Joey: Nooo. No, no, ah, are you sure it wasn’t something that sounded like Ginger, like ah, Gingeer? Monica: No, it was Ginger. I remember, because when he told me, I said, (singing) ‘the movie star.’ Joey: Aww, man. That’s the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he’s my roommate, she’s gonna tell him what I did. Monica: Well, what did you do? Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can’t, I can’t tell you that, it’s like the most awful, horrible thing I’ve ever done my whole life. Monica: Y'know what, don’t tell us. We’ll just wait until Chandler gets home, (to Phoebe) because it’ll be more fun that way. Joey: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad’s cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner.... Monica: You gave her food poisoning!? Joey: I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fre. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fre was dying out. So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log. Phoebe: Oh my God!! You threw Pepper on the fre! Joey: I wish. See, I guess another thing I probably should’ve told you about Ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg. (Phoebe and Monica both stand up and gasp.) Monica: Oh my God! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fre? Joey: I ran!! [Scene: A street, Chandler is kissing Ginger.] Chandler: Well, that’s the best kiss I’ve had with anyone I’ve ever met in a men’s room. Ginger: Actually, me too. Chandler: (sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle. Ginger: Oh damn, I hate that. Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna have to get you out of those shoes. Ginger: Oh, don’t worry about it. Chandler: No, really you’re gonna freeze. Ginger: No, I’m not. Chandler: You’re not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot? Ginger: Some day, maybe. [Scene: Ross’s bedroom, Rachel getting into bed while Ross is reading and laughs.] Rachel: Funny book? Ross: Hmmm. Oh, no, no, I just thinking about something funny I heard today. Umm, Mark, Mark saying ‘I’ll see you Saturday.’ Rachel: Yeah, at the lecture, I told you that last week, you said you didn’t mind. Ross: Oh, no, no, no, it’s-it’s not the lecture ah, I mind, umm.... Rachel: Oh, please tell me it’s not because I’m going with Mark. Ross: Oh, well... Rachel: Oh my God!!! Ross!! Ross: Well, I’m sorry, but ah, look if you’re not working with him anymore, why do you have to still do stuff with him? Rachel: Because, he’s my friend. Ross: Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean... Rachel: Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark? Ross: Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing? Rachel: I don’t know, you thought ‘See you Saturday’ was funny. Look honey, Mark is in fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me. Ross: Pa-haa!! I would love to go with you. Rachel: Really!? Ross: Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion..... monger. Rachel: Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. (Ross has a worried look on his face) What? Ross: What should I wear, now I’m all nervous. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is looking at her beeper still in the pot. She takes it out, shakes it, and puts it back in.] Monica: Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps. Phoebe: It’s just y'know, been a couple of hours, and she hasn’t called. Not that I even care, y'know. Monica: Phoebe why don’t you just call her? You obviously want to. Phoebe: You think you know me so well. Monica: Well, don’t ‘cha wanna? Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Okay, well I do know you. Phoebe: That’s what I said. Monica: Well so? Phoebe: I can’t. I can’t. She dumped me, I mean I totally trusted her and then one day it was ‘Okay, bye Pheebs’ gone. Y'know what the saddest part is, when we were playing together, that was like the most fun I’ve ever had in like all my lives. [Scene: Central Perk, Leslie is singing.] Leslie: (singing) My best shoes, so good to me. I wear them everyday. Down at the heel, holes in the toes. Don’t care what people say. My feet’s best friends, pals to the end. With them I’m one hot chicky. Though late one night, not much light, I.... (Phoebe runs in and joins her.) Phoebe: (singing) I stepped in something icky. Phoebe and Leslie: (singing) Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile. Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I’ll.... avoid the..... pillleeeee. Commercial Break [Scene: The lecture, Rachel is listening closely, Ross is bored out of his mind.] Lecturer: We’re beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colours. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink.... Ross: (to Rachel) I’m really glad we came. (Rachel smiles and rubs his arm) You’re so pretty. I love you. Rachel: Oh. (puts her hand over his mouth) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Leslie how to sing Smelly Cat.] Phoebe: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault. Leslie: Wow, that’s great. Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Leslie: Y'know you could totally sell this. It’d be perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign. Phoebe: I..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no. Leslie: What? Why not? You could make a ton of money. Phoebe: Okay, well if I was in this for the money, I’d be a millionaire by now, y'know. You just got to get out of that jingle head sweetie. Leslie: Aw, you’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry. Phoebe: That’s okay. All right, I’m gonna play song that’s really, really sad. It’s called Magician Box Mix Up. (she turns her guitar upside down to play it.) [Scene: The lecture, Ross is passed out against Rachel’s shoulder.] Lecturer: ....oversized bracelets, oversized earrings, oversizing of accessories in general are very popular now. (Ross wakes up with a start and startles Rachel. The guy next to him starts laughing, which starts Ross laughing, Rachel gives him a look and he stops.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading the newspaper.] Monica: (entering) Hi! Chandler: Hey. Monica: Oh, can I borrow this? (points to his milk) My milk’s gone bad. Chandler: Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car. Monica: So umm, how was your date with Ginger? Chandler: Great. It was great. She’s ah, she’s great, great looking, great personality, she’s greatness. Monica: Sounds like she’s got the ah, whole package. Chandler: Joey told you about the leg, huh? Monica: Uh-huh. Chandler: Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldn’t have, but it did. I mean I like her, I don’t want to stop seeing her, but every so often it’s like ‘Hey, y'know what, where’s your leg?’ I mean I’m the smallest person in the world aren’t I? I’m the smallest person in the world. Joey: (entering from his bedroom) Morning. Chandler: (to Monica) Actually he’s the smallest person in the world. Joey: (to Chandler) Heard about the leg burnin’ huh? Chandler: It came up. Joey: Listen, I ah, I know it’s a longshot. But, by any chance did she find that funny? (Both Chandler and Monica walk away in disgust.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are getting back from the lecture.] Ross: (entering) So I nodded off a little. Rachel: Nodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My father’s boat didn’t make that much noise when it ht rocks! Ross: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy backed dresses. Rachel: Well okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and he’s ‘Hey everybody! Remember that thing that’s been dad for a gazillion years. Well there’s this little bone we didn’t know it had!’ Ross: First of all it’s Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn’t fly. Rachel: Okay, see now, what I just heard: blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, blah. Ross: Y'know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do, I wonder how many people would go see a movie called, Jurassic Parka. Rachel: Oh, that is so... Ross: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. (Makes an unusual sound, then he realises that he still has his jacket on and quickly tries to shake it off, thinking it’s alive and attacking him.) Rachel: Y'know if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldn’t go with Mark? Ross: No. I... I wanted to be with you. I don’t know, I feel like lately, I feel like you’re slipping away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all these new people, and you’ve got this whole other life going on. I-I-I know it’s dumb, but I hate that I’m not a part of it. Rachel: It’s not dumb. But, maybe it’s okay that you’re not a part of it. Y'know what I mean? (Ross looks confused) I mean it’s like, I-I-I like that you’re not involved in that part of my life. Ross: That’s a little clearer. Rachel: Honey see, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. Because I do. I love you, I love you so much. But my work it’s-it’s for me y'know, I’m out there, on my own, and I’m doing it and it’s scary but I love it, because it’s mine. I, but, I mean is that okay? Ross: Sure, I-I-I... (hugs her and mouths No!!) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Ginger are eating dinner.] Ginger: Your thinking about my leg aren’t you? Chandler: No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again? Ginger: It’s okay if it bothers you. Really. I mean the only thing I need to know is: ‘How much it bothers you?’ because I don’t like wasting my time. Am I wasting my time? Chandler: No. No. I don’t think so. Ginger: Okay. It’s just like anything else, you just have to get used to it. (They start making out. She opens his shirt and feels inside and stops.) Ginger: What’s that? Chandler: That’s-that’s my nubbin. Ginger: What’s a nubbin? Chandler: It’s kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing. Ginger: You have three nipples? Chandler: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... (starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what? Ginger: Nothing. I, I just remembered I have to leave. Chandler: You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come? Ginger: Ah well, it’s nubbin. Nothing! Umm. Y'know what, I’ll see you later. Okay. (She leaves and in the hall we see her shake her shoulders like when someone runs their fingernails across a blackboard.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing as Leslie enters.] Phoebe: (to Leslie) Oh, I thought you weren’t coming. What? Where were you? Leslie: Come here, come here. (they go to the side of the stage) Okay, don’t get mad, okay. Phoebe: Okay, don’t give me a reason to get mad, okay Leslie: I played Smelly Cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts. Phoebe: No, look, I told you that I didn’t want you to try and sell it, and you just, you big fat did it anyway. God, y'know what, I think five years ago I probably would’ve done anything to play with you but, I can do it by myself. And if I can’t trust you then just forget it. Leslie: No, no, I don’t want to forget it. Phoebe: Okay y'know what you have to choose. All right, if-if the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, okay you can have Smelly Cat, but we won’t be partners. So what’s it gonna be? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Joey are watching TV.] Commercial: (in the background their singing Smelly Cat) Problem odour in the litter box? Don’t change your kitty, change your kitty litter. (Monica gets up and shuts off the TV.) Monica: Sorry, Pheebs. Joey: Yeah. You okay? Phoebe: Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Y'know life-life’s gonna had you all kinds of stuff, y'know you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Wanna hear a new song? Joey: Yeah. Monica: We’d love too. Phoebe: Okay. (singing) ‘Jingle bitch screwed me over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell Go to hell. Go to hell-hell-hell.’ That’s all I have so far. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole g*ng except Chandler is there.] Chandler: (entering, happily) Well hello! Joey: Where have you been? Chandler: The doctor. Ross: Is everything okay? Chandler: Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting. Monica: Wow! It’s like Rachel in High School. Rachel: What?!! Monica: Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke! Chandler: That was an obvious joke, and I didn’t think of it. Why didn’t I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x14 - The One With Phoebe\u2019s Ex-Partner"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Michael Borkow Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is taking a jar of olives out of the fridge.] Joey: (to Monica) Hey, how much will you give me to eat this whole jar of olives? Monica: I won’t give you anything, but you’ll owe me 2.95. Joey: Done. Phoebe: (entering) Hey. I need an atlas! I need an atlas! Monica: Why? (in a motherlike tone) Do you have a report due? Phoebe: I have a date with this diplomat I met while I was giving free massages outside the UN and, I don’t know where his country is. Monica: Okay, let’s start with the free messages outside the UN. Phoebe: Oh!! That’s my new thing. I figure bodies at peace, make peace. Monica: Wow! You might just get the first Nobel prize in rubbing. So what country is this guy from? Phoebe: Ick-neck-tree-anis..... There’s a ‘g’ in there. Monica: Where’s that? Phoebe: In your atlas! Monica: I don’t have an atlas. Phoebe: Oh. Monica: Oh, but wait I do have a globe. Phoebe: Oh. Monica: Hold on. Joey: So Pheebs what’s this guy like? Phoebe: Umm, well he’s very dashing, y'know, and umm, very, very sophisticated, and he doesn’t speak any English, but according to his translator, he totally gets me. Monica: ‘Kay, here you go. (Hands her this tiny little globe.) Phoebe: What is this? Monica: It’s a globe and, a pencil sharpener. (Phoebe puts the globe right up next to her eye to try and find the country.) Chandler: (entering) Hey, does anybody need anything copied? I’m going down to the Xerox place. Monica: Oh, no thanks. Chandler: Okay listen, just give me anything I can make two of. Monica: Well, if you don’t have anything to copy, why are you going down there? Joey: Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the belly button ring again? Chandler: Yeah! You wanna come? Joey: Yeah! Opening Credits [Scene: The Xerox place, Chandler and Joey are waiting in line.] Chandler: Come on Chloe! Finish up with your customer first. Come on Chloe! Come on Chloe!! Issac: (to Chandler and Joey) Can I help you? Chandler: Uh-oh. Joey: Uh, y'know what, we’re having second thoughts about our copying needs. And we’ll need a little more time to think about it. Issac: Chloe, switch with me, there’s some guys here that got a crush on you. Chandler: (to Joey) Okay, that hurt us. Chloe: Hi guys. I haven’t seen you since this morning. Chandler: Well ah, ........y'know. Chloe: Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night? Joey: Both of us? (points to Chandler and himself) Chloe: Maybe. Does that scare ya? (They both start laughing. They look at each other, stop and step apart a little bit.) Chloe: Relax. It’s just Issac’s D.J.-ing at the Philly. You should come. Joey: We’ll be there. Chloe: Great. I’ll ah, see ya then. Chandler: All right, rock on. (Does the ‘Hang 10’ sign, then hides his face in shame.) [Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking along with the diplomat (Sergei) and his translator (Mischa).] Sergei: (something in Russian or Polish) Mischa: He’s says, ‘Walking with you makes this strange city, feel like home.’ Phoebe: Me too. Although this city is my home, so. So that’s dumb what I said, don’t tell him I said that. Umm, you make something up. (Mischa does so and Sergei kisses her hand.) Nice, (to Mischa) thank you. This is me. Here. (Sergei goes up to her at her door and says something.) Mischa: (leaning in) Your eyes are very pretty. Phoebe: (to Mischa) Thank you, very much! Oh! (to Sergei) Thank you! (Sergei says something and leans in to kiss her, but just as he’s about to....) Mischa: (leaning in) He would like to kiss you. Phoebe: (to Mischa) Okay, y'know what, you don’t have to do that now. (Mischa translates that to Sergei) No-no-no-no!! Not him, you don’t! (Mischa tells Sergei he can proceed and steps away) Well the moment’s over. (Sergei says something and kisses her.) Phoebe: Oh. Mischa: Oy! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is showing Monica where Sergei’s country is.] Phoebe: (pointing to the globe) See there it is right there. Monica: Wow! It’s small. Phoebe: Yeah. But Sergei said it took the Germans six weeks to get all the way across it. Monica: So you had fun, huh? Phoebe: Yeah. Except for, y'know when you’re on a date and you’re getting along really great but the guy’s translator keeps getting in the way. Monica: No. Ross: (entering) Hey. Phoebe and Monica: Hey. Ross: What is ah, Rach in her room? Monica: Oh no, she’s still at work, but she told me to tell you to call her. Ross: Oh what?! Is she gonna cancel on me again?! How can she do this? Doesn’t she know it’s our anniversary? Monica: All right ah, Ross, this is the extent of my knowledge on the subject. (holds up a notepad) Call Rachel. Ross: What’s that on the bottom? Monica: Oh that’s my doodle of a ladybug, with a top hat. (to Phoebe) She’s fancy. (Ross calls Rachel) Rachel: (answering her phone at work) Hello. Ross: Hey, honey. Rachel: Oh, hi. Ross: Hey, what’s going on? Rachel: Well, there was a disaster in shipping and I’ve got to get this order in. Honey, I’m so sorry, but it looks like I’m gonna be here all night. Ross: What, do you, well umm, oh how about I come up there? Rachel: No-no-no, no, honey please, I’ve got, I’ve just have so much to deal with. [Cut to kitchen.] Phoebe: (to Monica) Anyway, I’m going out with Sergei again tonight, and um, could you come and be the translator’s date? So that when we, it’s time for our alone time, you two could split off. Y'know, he’s really, he’s kinda cute. Monica: Yeah, well kinda cute, like really kinda cute, or kinda cute like your friend Spackel Back Larry? Phoebe: Hey, don’t call him that! His name is Spackel Back Harry! [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the big couch.] Chandler: Hey, y'know what, maybe we should get going. I mean what time did Chloe say we should be there? Joey: Uh, 10:30. Chandler: What time is it now? Joey: 4:30. Chandler: Yeah all right, so we’ll hang out. Joey: Yeah. Hey, remember when she brought up that thing about the three of us? Chandler: Yes. Vividly. Joey: She was kidding about that right? Chandler: Yeah, I-I-I think so. (Pauses and thinks about it for a second) Yeah, I-I think so... Joey: God, that would be weird it that situation presented itself tonight, huh? Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, I mean what, what would we do? Joey: Dude, I don’t know. Chandler: She was kidding. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: She was.... But y'know what, just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules. Joey: Yeah, for sure. Okay. Probably want the first thing to be, never open your eyes. Y'know, because you don’t want to be doing something and then look up and see something you don’t want to be seeing. Chandler: Yeah. Good call, nice one. Hold it!! Hold it! What if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there.... (holds his arm out and pretends to grab something with his hand.) Joey: Ah!! Okay! Eyes open at all times! Oh, hey, how do we decide where we... (clears throat) y'know each would, (clears throat again) y'know (pause) be? Chandler: Right. Right. Well ah, y'know we could flip for it. Joey: Yeah, I guess, but what’s like heads and what’s tails? Chandler: Well it you don’t know that, then I don’t want to do this with you. [Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel and a co-worker (Sophie) are dealing with the crisis.] Rachel: (on the phone) No, no, no, I’m looking at a purchase order right here and it clearly states that we ordered the Rivera bikini in a variety of sizes and colours. And.... (listens) What does it matter, what I’m wearing?! Can I please speak to your supervisor? (listens) Thank you. (to Sophie) We’re holding. Ross: (entering, carrying a basket) Hi! Rachel: (startled) Oh!! My God, what are you doing here? Ross: Well you said you couldn’t go out so.... (pulls the cover off of the basket) Sophie: You brought a picnic, oh, what a boyfriend. That’s it, on Monday I start wearing make-up. Rachel: Ross honey, this is very nice, but, but I-I got a crisis. Ross: Yeah, but I got cous-cous! Rachel: Honey, honey, I’m sorry, I know it’s our anniversary but I told you on the phone I don’t have time to stop. Ross: Okay, you don’t have to stop, I’m invisible, I’m not here. (lights a candle) Rachel: But I don’t, hmm... (on phone) Oh, who approved that order?! (listens) Well there is no Mark Robbinson in this office. (to Sophie) Get me Mark on the phone! Sophie: I love Mark. (to Ross) Do you know Mark? Ross: Yeah!! Rachel: Well, let me just check that with what I got here, all right see 038 is not the number for (Ross starts making a lot of noise with a handheld pepper grinder) this store, 038 is Atlanta. And I...(stops and looks at Ross) Ross: (stopping grinding) Pepper? Rachel: (angrily) None for me. Ross: Okay sorry, whew. Rachel: I’m sorry, as I was saying the store number is wrong, and I’m sorry but that’s... (notices a fre that Ross’s candle has started) Oh my God!! Ross: (putting out the fre with a squeeze bottle of water) Okay, that’s a fre. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me, I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to call you back, I’ve got a Schemp in my office. (hangs up) (to Ross) What are you doing? Ross: I’m sorry. But ah, hey, oh, somebody’s off the phone, how ‘bout a glass of wine by the fre, I could get it going again. Rachel: Ross you’re not listening to me, I don’t have time to stop. Ross: Come on Rach, you don’t have what, ten minutes? Rachel: I don’t have ten minutes!! Ross: What? (to Sophie) Sophie, does she have ten minutes? Rachel: Hey, Ross!!! I told you I don’t! Ross: Don’t yell at me okay, this is the most I’ve seen you all week. Rachel: Look, I cannot do this right now, okay, I’ve got a deadline, would you just go home, I’ll talk to you later. (storms out) Ross: Yeah, but wait... Rachel: Good bye! (Ross starts to pack up the picnic in anger, and throws a three hole punch in the basket.) Sophie: Actually, that’s our three hole punch. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.] Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hi. Look um, about what happened earlier... Ross: No, hey, well, I-I completely understand. You were, you were stressed. Rachel: (throws her stuff down) I was gonna give you a chance to apologise to me. Ross: For what? For letting you throw me out of your office? Rachel: You had no right coming down to my office Ross. You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody’s work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger! Ross: Yeah, well excuse me for wanting to be with my girlfriend on our anniversary, boy what an ass am I. Rachel: But I told you, I didn’t have the time! Ross: Yeah, well you never have the time. I mean, I don’t feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore, Rachel. Rachel: Wh, Ross what do you want from me? You want me, you want me to quit my job so you can feel like you have a girlfriend? Ross: No, but it’d be nice if you realised, it’s just a job! Rachel: Just a job! Ross: Yes. Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I’m doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I’m doing something that I’m actually good at. I mean. if you don’t get that... Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I’m happy for ya, but I’m tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don’t know what to do anymore. Rachel: Well neither do I! Ross: Is this about Mark? Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God. Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not. Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you’re, you’re, you’re making this too hard. Ross: Oh I’m, I’m making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do. Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break. Ross: Okay, okay, fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, (goes to the door) let’s cool off, okay, let’s get some frozen yogart, or something.. (opens the door) Rachel: No. (Ross is standing in the doorway.) A break from us. (Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.) Commercial Break [Scene: The Philly, Chandler and Joey are talking to Chloe.] Chloe: And the advances in collating in the past five years, I mean we just got in an X-5000, y'know. The X-5000 makes the X-50 look like a T-71. (Chandler agrees in an absolutely bored way.) Chloe: (seeing Ross enter) Hey, it’s the dinosaur guy. (runs over to Ross) Hi, Ross. Ross: Oh, hi Chloe. Chloe: I want you to met some friends of mine. (Introduces him to Chandler and Joey) This guy is my hero, he comes in with some stuff he wants it blown up 400%, we said we don’t do that, and he says you gotta. And y'know what, we did it. And now anytime anybody wants 400, we just say ‘let’s Ross it!’ Chandler: And that’s the only colour that comes in. Issac: Yo, Chloe, do you have a quarter for the condom machine? Chloe: Oh! (storms off) Chandler: So, what are you doing here? I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner. Ross: Yeah, little change in plans. Ahh, we’re gonna break-up instead. (Chandler and Joey stare at each other in shock.) [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Phoebe are on their dates with Sergei and Mischa.] Monica: Oh, and I can also speak a little French. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (Mischa laughs) Why? What did I say? Mischa: Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight. Monica: Oh my God! No wonder I get such great service at Cafe Maurice. Phoebe: (laughing and banging her spoon on the table) Knock, knock, knock, knock, hi. Um, could you please tell Sergei that um, I was fascinated by what Boutros Boutros Gali said in the New York Times. (Mischa does so.) Phoebe: You didn’t say Boutros Boutros Gali. Mischa: (to Sergei) Boutros Boutros Gali. (Sergei responds.) Mischa: He says he was too. Phoebe: Interesting. Mischa: (to Monica) So I was wondering.... Phoebe: Okay, ah, before you get all talky again, umm, could you also please tell Sergei that I really like his suit. (Mischa does so, and Sergei complements Phoebe, and says it slowly) Mischa: (to Phoebe, very quickly) Eh, he said, thank you very much, he thinks you look very pretty tonight, your hair, golden like the sun. (to Monica) So you're a chef? Monica: I’m also thinking about opening up my own restaurant. Mischa: Oh, really. Phoebe: Monica, can I talk to you behind my menu, please. (Behind the menu) What are you doing? Monica: Well, I was having a conversation. Phoebe: Yeah but, Mischa is so interested in you, that Sergei and I haven’t been able to say two words to each other. Monica: What do you want me to do? Just sit here silently while you three have a conversation? Phoebe: That would be great. Thank you. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is lying in front of the bay window, and the phone rings.] Rachel: (jumping up to answer the phone) Hello! Mark: Oh, hi. It’s Mark. Rachel: (disappointed) Oh. Mark: What? Is it my breath? Rachel: No! Sorry, I just thought you were somebody else. Hi! Mark: Hi. Well, look, I was just gonna leave a message, isn’t tonight your, your big anniversary dinner? Rachel: Yeah. Well, umm..... Mark: Rach, are you okay? Rachel: (on the verge of tears) Yeah, I’m fine. Mark: You wanna talk, I mean I can come over? Rachel: No! Really, no, please, please, that’s, that’s okay. Mark: All right, all right, I’m coming over, and I’m bringing Chinese food. Rachel: Oh, yeah, I’m not, I’m not hungry. Mark: It’s for me. Rachel: Oh. Okay, bye. [Scene: The Philly.] Joey: So what are you gonna do? Ross: What can I do? One person wants to break-up, you break-up. Chandler: Hey, no way! Come on, this is you guys, call her and work it out. Ross: Oh come on, we just had this huge fight, all right, don’t I have to wait a while? Chandler: Hey, this isn’t like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!! (Ross goes to call her.) Chandler: Y'know that whole swimming thing is a myth. Joey: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny. Chandler: Why? What happened to him? Joey: Nothing, he’s just really believes in that. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes.] Rachel: Oh, and then, we got into this big, stupid fight. I just, it was awful. I told him he treats me like a park ranger, or something, oh and then I told him I wanted to take a break, I don’t want to take a break. Mark: Wow. I’m sorry. Eggroll? Rachel: No. (grabs an eggroll) And then I called him, and he wasn’t there. Mark: Well, then he’s, he’s probably just, out. Rachel: Oh, thank you that’s very helpful, I’m glad you came over. (The phone rings and Rachel answers it.) Rachel: Hello. Ross: Hi! It’s me. Rachel: Hi! Oh, I’m so glad you called. Ross: Really? I’ve been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don’t, don’t you think we can work on this? Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink? Ross: Who’s that? Rachel: Nobody. Mark: Is it okay if I finish the apple juice? (Rachel mouths ‘sh**t!’ or something similar.) Ross: Is that Mark? Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to.... [Cut to The Philly.] Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams the phone down, and walks back to the bar.) Chloe: Hey, dinosaur guy, look at you, so sad. Come dance. Ross: Ah, that’s okay, thanks. Chloe: Hey, you don’t have to smile. You just have to dance. Ross: Look, I don’t feel like dancing, I feel like having a drink. Okay? Chloe: Oh, okay. (to the bartender) Hey, two beers. (sits down next to him) [Scene: The Restaurant, after dinner.] Mischa: (to Monica) And the vet said it was time. And so from half a world away, while my Mother held the phone to his ear, I said good bye to my dog,. In seven languages. Monica: Oh. (to Phoebe) Can I have a tissue? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope you don’t accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it. (Sergei says something to Mischa.) Mischa: (to Phoebe) Sergei, would like to apologise for my behaviour tonight. Phoebe: Well, tell him, apology accepted. (Mischa does so.) Mischa: (to Monica) Oh, he’s unbelievable. I mean for the first time in three years somebody wants to actually want to talk to me, but do you think he would let me enjoy that, no!! (to Sergei) You silly diplomat, why don’t you learn some English, Sergei? Phoebe: Excuse me, but umm, isn’t he paying for your dinner? Monica: Hey, the man’s dog just died. (Sergei insults Mischa, and they get into a huge fight, in Russian.) Mischa: (to Monica) I have just resigned my post. Would you care to accompany me to the Rainbow Room? I have diplomatic coupons. Monica: It will be my pleasure. (to Phoebe) My guy has diplomatic coupons. Your guy can’t even say coupons. (they leave) Sergei: Uh, (picks up a plate) plate? Phoebe: Plate! Yes, plate. Sergei: Plate. Plate. Plate. Phoebe: See, we don’t need them. Sergei: (picking up a cup) Plate? Phoebe: Yeah. [Scene: The Philly, With or Without You is playing. (Which is the same song Ross played for Rachel in TOW the List.)] Ross: (to Chloe) I like this song. Chloe: Well, you’re practically dancing already. Why don’t you just do it over here? Ross: Oh, no, no. Chloe: What? Are you married? ‘Cause that’s okay. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is next to the bay window again, Mark has left.] Rachel: (picks up the phone and calls Ross) Oh, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home. Be home. Be home, be home, be home. Oh, you’re not home. [Scene: The Philly, Ross is dancing with Chloe.] Chloe: Still no smile? (She kisses him. Ross leans back for a second, and then they both kiss, more passionately this time as U2's With or Without You plays in the background.) To Be Continued...... Closing Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Sergei is teaching Phoebe how to sing American Pie, by Don Maclean.] (Both Phoebe and him are singing along and they get to the chorus.) Sergei: (singing) Touchet, touchet, Miss Americccan pie. (stops to correct Phoebe) Ameri-ccan. Phoebe: Ameri-can. Sergei: Ameri-ccan. Phoebe: Ameri-can. Y'know it’s a very hard language. Let’s do it again. (They start singing, and Phoebe covers her mouth at the American part.) Sergei: (to the rest of Central Perk) Everybody!! (In his language, and continues.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x15 - The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: (Voice Over) Previously on Friends. [A montage of scenes from The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break follows.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.] Ross: I mean, I don’t feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore. Rachel: You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you’ve got a girlfriend? Ross: Is this about Mark? Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God. Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not. Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe we should take a break. Ross: Fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, (goes to the door) let’s cool off, okay, let’s get some frozen yoghurt, or something.. (opens the door) Rachel: No. A break from us. (Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes.] Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I don’t want to take a break. Ross: (on the phone) I’ve been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don’t, don’t you think we can work on this? Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink? Ross: Who’s that? Rachel: Nobody. Ross: Is that Mark? Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to.... Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams down the phone) [Scene: The Philly.] Chloe: Hey, come dance. What? Are you married? ‘Cause that’s okay. [Cut to Chloe and Ross dancing, and their kiss.] The Next Morning [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a fruit drink in the blender, Rachel has just finished her shower and is coming out of the bathroom.] Monica: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Monica: How’s the big anniversary dinner? Rachel: Well, we never actually got to dinner. Monica: Ohhh, nice. Rachel: No, we kinda broke up instead. Monica: What?! (She accidentally starts the blender without the lid on it and fruit flies everywhere.) Rachel: (looking up at the ceiling) God, Monica it’s on the ceiling. Monica: That’s okay, this is more important than fruit (pause) (angrily) on my ceiling! You broke up?! Rachel: Yeah, but it’s okay, because when Ross left Mark came over. Monica: Oh no!! Rachel: No. Monica: Rachel, you and Mark?! Rachel: No, no-no, it’s okay, calm down. Mark and I talked, and I realised how much I love your stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to make it work. [Scene: Ross’s Bedroom, Ross is waking up. He straightens himself out on the bed and puts the covers over his head.] Chloe: (entering from bathroom) Morning! (Ross sits bolt upright, without moving the covers.) Opening Credits [Scene: Ross’s Kitchen, Ross is taking some aspirin and checking his messages.] Rachel: (on answering machine) Hi, it’s me. I’ve been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid. Ross: Yeah!! Rachel: Eh, I’m just so sorry I put you through it. And, I y'know, I don’t want to get back together over a machine. Ross: Na-huh. Rachel: So, I love you. Ross: I love you. Rachel: And y'know what, I’m gonna, I’m gonna go to bed now, but ah, on my way to work tomorrow morning, I’m gonna stop by around 8:30. Ross: Okay. (Ross starts frantically looking for a clock.) Rachel: Bye. (Ross finds a clock, sees it’s almost 8:30, and silently screams.) Ross: Chloe, Chloe how’s it coming?!! Chloe: (entering from bedroom) Hey, what kind of puppy do you think I should get? Ross: Umm, oh, hey, I don’t know. How about a big one? Chloe: But my apartment is so... Ross: Well then a small one!! Listen, let’s, we kinda have to get going! Chloe: Wait! Where’s my shoes? Ross: You, you sure you need shoes? (Chloe nods her head) Okay. (reaches down and picks up a shoe) Chloe: Do I know why we’re rushing? Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (He’s frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!! Chloe: That’s so great for you guys! Ross: Yeah! Chloe: You must be so happy! Ross: Yes, yes I am, one of the many things I’m feeling. Well.... (picks up her coat) Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend. Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!! Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message. Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time. Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again? Ross: Yes, you can, very much. (Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still standing behind the door.) Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering carry a large box, Monica is mopping the ceiling.] Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey. Phoebe: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling? Monica: Oh, there’s banana on it. Phoebe: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine. Monica: So then you know? (Phoebe nods her head) Phoebe: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail. Monica: Oh, good. Thanks. Phoebe: Now what is Fabutec? Monica: Okay, all right don’t judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing.... Phoebe: Waxine!! Monica: Yes! Have you seen it? Phoebe: Oh, it’s incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl. Monica: I know!! Phoebe: God. Do think it really doesn’t hurt? ‘Cause how can they do that? Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest! Phoebe: They have the best stuff in there. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has told Chandler and Joey his terrible act.] Chandler: Oh my God! Oh my God! Joey: Yeah. We figured when we couldn’t find you, you’d gone home to make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh? Ross: You think?! God, I, ah, I’m in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel’s all like, ‘I love you and, and let’s work on this.’ And all I can think about is, ‘What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?’ when I tell her what I did. Chandler: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you? Ross: What?! Look, we’re trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other? Joey: Look, Ross look, I’m on board about this totally honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff that’s gonna get you in trouble. Chandler: He’s right. Nobody’s gonna benefit, and you’re just gonna hurt her. Joey: Yeah, and there won’t be a relationship left to rebuild. Ross: Yeah, but don’t you think.... Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing’s right. And that’s what deathbeds are for. Ross: Yeah, okay. (he plops down into one of the leather chairs, with the footrest extended.) Joey: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn’t find out some other way. (spins the chair around so that Ross is facing him) Did you think about the trail? Ross: What trail? Joey: (stomps on the footrest which pops Ross up into a sitting position) The trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it! (slapping his hands with each word) You always have to think about the trail! Ross: Oh, I-I don’t think there’s any trail. Chandler: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac’s sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe’s friends with Rachel. And that’s the trail, I did it! [Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are waxing their legs.] Phoebe: (reading from the instructions) After applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg number one, Monica: Did that! Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its ‘easy grab tab’ and pull it off in one quick pain free motion. Monica: Okay. (Does so.) Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh! Phoebe: Was it not pain-free? Monica: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax. Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don’t seem to think it’s that bad. Monica: That’s because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you don’t believe me, please, by my guest. Phoebe: (Removing one of the strips) Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!! Monica: Now, are you glad we didn’t start with the bikini strips? [Scene: The Xerox Place, Ross is trying to break the trail.] Ross: (entering) Chloe? Hi.. Chloe: Is this about me taking your watch? Ross: You took my watch? Chloe: I’m sorry, I do that. Ross: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us? Chloe: Oh no. I feel it isn’t really anybody’s business, y'know. Ross: Exactly. So you didn’t, didn’t mention anything to Issac right? Chloe: Oh, well I tell Issac everything. Ross: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we haven’t actually met... Issac: You dog! Ross: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I happen to have a girlfriend. Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place. Ross: Yeah, that’s the one. Listen, I don’t want to hurt her. Issac: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn’t matter how much we love ‘em, monogamy is too cruel a rule. Ross: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself? Issac: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We’re the same, you and me. Ross: Actually, no, we’re not. Issac: Yeah, we are. Ross: No, we’re not. Issac: Yeah, we are. Ross: No, we’re not!! Issac: Okay, we’re not. Ross: Right. Issac: But, we are. Ross: Fine. I just need to know that you’re not gonna tell your sister. Issac: I can promise not to tell her again. [Scene: Phoebe’s Work, Ross is now trying to stop Jasmine from telling Phoebe.] Ross: (entering out of breath) Jasmine? Jasmine: Uh-huh. Ross: We met at Phoebe’s birthday party, I’m, I’m Ross Geller. Jasmine: You did a bad thing! Ross: Yes, I did. Jasmine: Very bad! Ross: Very bad. Jasmine: Very, very bad. Ross: I’m agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe yet? Jasmine: No. Ross: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don’t. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay? Jasmine: All right. Ross: Thank you, thank you. Jasmine: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe too. Ross: (angrily) Who’s your roommate? [Scene: Central Perk, gn is wiping down the counter as Ross rushes in.] Ross: gn! gn. gn, please tell me you didn’t say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place. gn: I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to? (Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica’s Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are removing the rest of their wax strips.] Monica: Ow! Phoebe: Oh!! Monica: Ow!! Ow!! Phoebe: Ow!!! Monica and Phoebe: Ow!!!!!!! Ow-ow-ow-ow! (Hearing the screaming Chandler and Joey rush in. Joey has a pan, Chandler has a tea kettle.) Phoebe: We’re all right. Monica: It’s okay, it’s okay. Phoebe: We’re all right. Monica: We were just waxing our legs. Chandler: Off?!! Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience. Chandler: Yeah, well I don’t think you can make that statement, unless you’ve been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely. Joey: Yeah, I-I think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that’s all. I mean, come on, it’s just a little wax. Phoebe: Oh yeah, come here. (Puts a little wax on Joey’s arm and puts a strip on it.) Chandler: Oh, that’s mature. Joey: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Monica: That’s right. (Joey laughs, pulls it off, then does a high-pitched whine.) [Cut to Living Room, Rachel is trying to close the door on Ross.] Ross: (forcing the door open) Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!! [Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler slowly closes the door, and we hear Rachel from the living room.] Rachel: I can’t talk to you. I can’t even look at you right now! Monica: What? Chandler: Nothing, nothing. Monica: (going over to listen at the door) Rachel said everything was okay. Phoebe: (to Joey) What, what are they talking about? Ross: Rachel? [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: Just get away from me! Ross: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay? Rachel: A mistake?! What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?! [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Phoebe: Whe-where did he put it?! [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: Ross, you had sex with another woman! [Cut to Monica's bedroom, both Monica and Phoebe gasp.] Monica: Oh my God. Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday. Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk.... Monica: Oh!! (hits Chandler and Joey in the head) You guys knew about this and you didn’t tell us?! Chandler: (to Joey) He has sex, and we get ht in our heads. [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here! Ross: No!! Rachel: Just get out! Now!! Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this. Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she? [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Chandler: Uh-oh. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: What? Rachel: Was she good? [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Don’t answer that. [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it!! How was she? Ross: She was... [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Awful! Horrible! Chandler: She was not good. Not good. Joey: She was nothing compared to you. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: She, she was different. [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Ewwwww! Chandler: Uh-oh. [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: Good different? Ross: Nobody likes change. (Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.) Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay. [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Phoebe: Should we do something? Chandler: Yeah, never cheat on Rachel. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry. I wa-I was disgusted with myself, and this morning I was so, I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible. Rachel: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? (Ross can’t answer that) Oh my God. She was there? She was still there? She was in there, when I was in there?! (Ross hands Rachel back the newspaper, and she starts beating him with it again.) Ross: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that she meant, she meant nothing to me! Rachel: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!! (She throws the paper at him, misses and hits Monica’s door, they all jump back at the sound.) Ross: Look, I didn’t think there was a relationship to jeopardise. I thought we were broken up. Rachel: We were on a break! Ross: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up. Rachel: You think you’re gonna get out of this on a technicality? Ross: Look, I’m not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our relationship was dad! Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake! [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Y'know what, I don’t think we should listen to this anymore. (Goes to open the door) Monica: (stopping him) What, what are you doing? You can’t go out there. Joey: Why not?! (to Chandler) I’m hungry. Monica: Because they’ll know we’ve been listening. [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: God! And to have to hear about it from gn!! Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn’t happen! Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I’m falling in love with you all over again. [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Chandler: Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about. Joey: Yeah, we’ll be fine. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to. [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Chandler: (handing Monica the wax) Wax the door shut, we’re never leaving, ever. [Later, Phoebe is on the phone, they’re all still trapped in Monica’s bedroom.] Phoebe: Hi, it’s Phoebe. Listen someone’s gonna have to take my 9:00 with Mr. Rehack, ‘cause it’s like 9:15 now, and I’m not there. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: Don’t you realise none of this would’ve ever happened if I didn’t think at that same moment you weren’t having sex with Mark? Rachel: All right. Let’s say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me? Ross: (pause) Yes I would. Rachel: You’d be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me? Ross: (less sure) Yes. Rachel: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were.... Ross: (covering his ears and screaming) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it’s, I mean it’s you. [Cut to Monica's bedroom] All: Ohhhhh! [Later, Ross and Rachel are sitting in the kitchen.] Ross: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you’re thinking? Rachel: I’m thinking, I’m gonna order a pizza. Ross: Order a pizza like, ‘I forgive you?’ (She turns around and glares at him, he turns away.) [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Oh man, pizza? I like pizza. (makes like he is trying to send a telepathic message to Rachel) Put olives on the pizza. Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It’s organic. Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it. Phoebe: No, not the used wax. Chandler: Because that would be crazy? [Cut to Living Room] Ross: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I’m kinda hungry myself. Rachel: Fine. (on phone) Hi! Yes, I’d like to order a large pizza. Ross: No anchovies. Rachel: With ah, extra anchovies. Ross: That’s okay, I’ll just pick ‘em off. Rachel: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce? [Cut to later, they are finishing up the pizza, there’s one piece left.] Ross: You can have the last piece, if you want. Rachel: Well, I should think so. You slept with someone. [Cut to Monica's bedroom, they’re all eating the wax, Chandler and Phoebe, don’t like it. Joey tries some and makes a face like: ‘Hey, that’s not so bad.’] Phoebe: They’re gonna get through this, aren’t they? Chandler: Yeah, come on, it’s Ross and Rachel, they’ve got too. Monica: What if they don’t? (Long pause.) Joey: You think I need a new walk? Chandler: What? Joey: Well y'know, I’ve been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a ‘take notice’ walk. Chandler: Are you actually saying these words? [Later, in the living room, Rachel is sitting on the couch, Ross is on the chair.] Ross: What, now you’re not even taking to me? (moves over to the coffee table) Look Rachel, I-I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry, I was out of my mind. I thought I’d lost you, I didn’t know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don’t cheat right, I, that’s not me, I’m not Joey! [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Whoa-ho-ho! (He looks at Chandler, who gives him a ‘come on’ look.) Yeah, okay. Monica: Hey. It’s three in the morning. They don’t know that I’ve come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am. Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: Y'know what, y'know what, I’m-I’m not the one that wanted that, that break, okay. You’re the one that bailed on us. You’re the one that, that ran when things got just a little rough! Rachel: That’s.... Ross: That’s what?! Rachel: That is neither here nor there. Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we’re in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? (sits down next to her) Look, I, (on the verge of tears) I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I’m sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. (We see Monica and Phoebe are almost in tears.) I just can’t see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much. (He kisses her on her shoulder, then her neck, then the side of her face, then just before he kisses her on the lips....) Rachel: No Ross!! (stands up and moves away from him) Don’t! You can’t just kiss me and think you’re gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t just make it better. Okay? Ross: Okay, okay, okay. Rachel: (softly) I think you should go. Ross: What? Rachel: (softly) I really think you need to go now. Ross: (moving over to stand in front of her) Okay, okay. This morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn’t work past it together... Rachel: Yeah, what the hell did I know! Ross: Look, look, there’s got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, (takes a hold of one of her arms.) I can’t imagine, I can’t imagine my life without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his knees and hugs her around her waist) and, and.... Rachel: (crying) No. I can’t, you’re a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just can’t stop picturing with her, I can’t, (Ross stands up and backs away) it doesn’t matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It’s just changed, everything. Forever. [We see the rest of them are now crying.] Ross: (crying) Yeah, but this can’t be it, I mean. (Pause) Rachel: Then how come it is? Closing Credits [Scene: Monica’s bedroom.] Phoebe: They’ve been quiet for a long time. Joey: Maybe she k*lled him? Chandler: Let’s go. [Cut to Living Room, Rachel is sleeping on the couch, Ross is gone, the rest of them can finally emerge from their cell. They all wave good bye, and start to walk quietly out, as Monica goes and puts a blanket on Rachel. Joey starts walking all hunched over and bobbing his shoulders as he goes.] Chandler: (to Joey) Is that your new walk? Joey: (whispering) No, I really have to pee. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x16 - The One The Morning After"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch reading.] Joey: Can I see the comics? Chandler: This is the New York Times. Joey: Okay, may I see the comics? [Monica and Phoebe enter.] Monica: Guys. I thought you were taking Ross to the game? Chandler: We are. He’s meeting us here. Monica: No! Rachel is meeting us here. Phoebe: Oh come on, they can be in the same room. Joey: Yeah, you shoulda been there last night. Phoebe: Why? What happened now? Joey: Well Ross was hangin’ out over at our place, Rachel comes over to borrow some moisturiser from Chandler.... Chandler: Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? Rachel came over to borrow something. Joey: Anyway! Her and Ross just started yelling at each other. Phoebe: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? He’s the one who slept with someone else. Joey: Well, I guess he says that because they were on a break when it happened, that she should of forgiven him by now. Phoebe: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God, although I think I understand what he means. Oh my God, this is like 60 Minutes, okay, when, when, at first you’re really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then y'know you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow. Chandler: Y'know what this is like? This is like when my parents got divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn’t try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts. Phoebe: Y'know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together, they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy.... Joey: I had the same dream! Phoebe: Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl. Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream. Chandler: Y'know what maybe it’s gonna be okay, I mean it’s been a week. Joey: Yeah, I mean it’s never taken me a week to get over a relationship. Monica: It’s never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship. [Rachel enters.] Monica: (seeing her) Okay, let’s go!! Let’s ht the road!! Rachel: Hey! Monica: Let’s get the show on it! Rachel: Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee. Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it’s sooo close. Rachel: Closer than here? Phoebe: (turning around and picking a cup off of a table) Oh, hey, look, I found coffee! (handing her the cup) Okay, let’s skedaddle. Rachel: Wait, I’m not just gonna drink somebody’s old coffee. Phoebe: Okay, your highness. [Ross enters behind Rachel, and look at each other for a moment.] Phoebe: (in a deep voice, imitating Ross) Um, Rachel I’m really sorry. (imitating Rachel) That’s okay, do you wanna get back together? (imitating Ross) Yeah, okay. (in her normal voice) Did anyone else hear that?! Opening Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the whole gng is there, except for Ross and Rachel. Joey is trying to eat Chinese with chopsticks and fails miserably. There’s a knock on the door, and Chandler answers it to reveal Rachel] Rachel: (softly) Is he here? Chandler: No. Rachel: Oh. (smiles) Here’s your moisturiser. Hi! Monica and Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay, check it out, Thursday night, five tickets, Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming with me. (they’re all silent and look away) Okay, I said that out loud right? Chandler: Yes, yes, it’s just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made plans with Ross. Rachel: Oh, well okay. Well, there you go. Phoebe: No, it’s just that he got this new like home theater dealie, and he wants y'know, us to check it out. Rachel: Hm-mm. Chandler: Yeah, he’s really excited about it too, he even recorded show times on his answering machine. Rachel: Ohh! Monica: We’re sorry honey. Rachel: Oh, it’s okay. (starts to leave) Joey: Rach, it’s, it’s ah, it’s not that we don’t want to, really. (quietly) Are we talking models in their underwear? Rachel: And heels. Joey: (He turns around to Chandler looking for approval to go with Rachel, Chandler mouths ‘Come on!’) (turning back to Rachel) Ross, did ask us first, and we set that night aside. Rachel: No, hey, come on, if he asked you first, that’s only fair. (leaves) [Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust and heads into the living room.] Phoebe: Ohhh boy, do I feel bad. Joey: Oh yeah. Monica: Very bad. [We see Chandler lighting up a cigarette.] Phoebe: Chandler what are you doing?! Monica: Chandler!! Chandler: (jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God! Joey: You’re smoking again?! Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I’m, I’m smoking still. Phoebe: Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum? Chandler: Look, I’m telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place. Monica: Weren’t you nine?! Chandler: Yeahhh. I’m tellin’ ya something, that ah, first smoke after nap time.... [There’s a knock on the door.] Chandler: Oh that’s great, with my luck, that’s gonna be him. Phoebe: Him? Him, Ross? Chandler: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. (answers the door and it’s Rachel again.) Rachel: Hi! Uhh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because I have my sister on hold, and she said that we could use her cabin for the weekend and go skiing. Huh? I’m asking you first, right?!. I mean I’m playing by the rules. All: Absolutely, yeah! Rachel: Chandler! You’re smoking? What are you doing?! Chandler: Hey, shut up!! You’re not my real Mom!! [Scene: Ross’s, the gng, minus Rachel of course, is there. Chandler is forced to smoke by an open window.] Joey: (obviously cold) Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My nipples can cut glass over here! Phoebe: Wait. Really?! ‘Cause mine get me out of tickets. Ross: Look, you guys I just wanna say, I really, really appreciate you spending this time with me. It’s been a pretty hard time right now, so I just wanna say thanks. Chandler: Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window. Ross: Oh hey, hey, huh, how about this weekend we have a laser disc marathon okay, and maybe a tournament on my new dart board? Huh, huh, what do you think? (in an Irish accent) Two days of darts, it’ll be great! Joey: It’ll be great for next weekend. Ross: No, no, no, this weekend guys! Joey: It’ll be great for next weekend. I mean, (in an Irish accent) it’ll be grrreat. Ross: What’s going on? Phoebe: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachel’s sister’s cabin. (Chandler goes back to the window to smoke again.) Ross: So, for the whole weekend? Monica: We’re really sorry, but um, she did ask us first. Ross: Yeah, that’s okay, I mean if you guys all have to go away for the first weekend I’m alone by myself, y'know then I totally, totally understand. Phoebe: Y'know what, I can stay, I’m gonna stay. ‘Cause the last time I went skiing I was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, I just went around and around. Joey: Uh, Pheebs we kinda need you to drive us all up there in your grandmother’s cab, but y'know what, I’ll stay. Monica: Noo! I’ll stay. He’s my brother. Ross: What a pity stay? Monica: No! We’re gonna have fun. We can make fudge! Ross: Pity food? Y'know what that’s okay, all right, I don’t need any of you to stay, okay nobody stays. Chandler: Well, then, I might as well offer to stay. [Scene: In Phoebe’s Grandmother’s cab, driving up to the cabin. Phoebe’s driving, Rachel’s sitting gn, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are in the back seat.] Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Hey, does anybody else feel bad about Ross? Monica: Why? Do you think he’s still mad at us? Chandler: (to Joey) Well he’s probably mad after you called him this morning to borrow his goggles. Joey: What? Mine aren’t tinted. [Chandler starts to light a cigarette.] Phoebe: Chandler!! Chandler: What? Phoebe: What does the sign say? Chandler: Beam me up Jesus. Phoebe: No, the ‘No Smoking’ sign. There’s no smoking in my Grandmother’s cab. Chandler: Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom. All: Oh! Phoebe: Please! Monica: No Chandler no! No unscheduled stops. You can go when we stop for gas. Chandler: Oh, come on, there’s a rest stop right up there! Come on, I really have to goooooooooo. Joey: Oh, now I have to go!! [Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe’s pulling in.] Chandler: Here we go. Okay, brace yourselves. Monica: What? [Both Chandler and Joey put their feet up against the glass, Monica doesn’t and gets thrown up against the glass.] Rachel: Okay. Monica: Ow! [Joey gets out and sprints to the bathroom and Chandler follows with a cigarette in his hands.] Phoebe: (to Rachel, who’s staying in the cab.) Aren’t you gonna go? Rachel: No. Thank you. Monica: (getting out) No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms. Rachel: Well, they never have any paper in there y'know. So my rule is ‘no tissue, no tuschy.’ (Phoebe laughs and gets out.) Well, if everybody’s going. (She gets out and starts to close the door.) Phoebe: No, y'know what don’t close it (Rachel slams the door shut locking themselves out.) ‘cause the... keys...are in there. Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!! Joey: What’s going on? Chandler: (to Joey) My lighter’s in there! (points to the cab) Commercial Break [Scene: The rest stop, the gng is still stuck, Chandler is kneeling at the rear bumper.] Chandler: Damn! (stands up) The tailpipe’s not hot enough to light this! Joey: Relax okay, I-I-I can get this open. Anybody have a coat hanger? Chandler: Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning. Monica: So, if you’re parents hadn’t got divorced, you’d be able to answer a question like a normal person? Joey: Look, I just need a wire something to jimmy it. Oh hey, one of you guys give me the underwire from your bra! Monica: What?! Rachel: What?! Joey: Come on! Who has the biggest boobs? Monica: Please!! Joey: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore has the biggest wire. The Girls: No, not getting my bra! Joey: If you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call. Phoebe: Okay, Monica’s are the biggest. Monica: These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it’s gotta be Rachel. Rachel: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra. Monica: All right then, your bra would still be big. Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra. Chandler: Ladies, ladies, let’s just compromise okay? Phoebe, Rachel take off Monica’s bra. Phoebe: All right, forget it, nevermind, you can have mine. [Chandler crumples up his cigarette pack and throws it on the ground.] Rachel: (seeing him) Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash can right there. Chandler: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us. Phoebe: (finishing removing her bra) Okay, there. Joey: Thank you Phoebe, that is very, very generous. Chandler: Okay, now let’s decide who has the nicest ass. Joey: (opening the door) And there you go! All: Oh, yeahhhhh!!! [They all run to get in the cab, and Chandler pulls out a smoke.] Monica: Chandler!! Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good part. [Phoebe puts the car in gear and starts to back out.] Phoebe: Okay. (The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.) Oh, no! Rachel: What, what’s it, what’s going on? Phoebe: Yeah, this has happened before. Rachel: So you know how to fix it? Phoebe: Yep. Put more gas in. [Scene: Carol and Susan’s, Carol is setting a romantic dinner for Susan as there is a knock on the door.] Carol: (answering the door) Hi! Ross: (entering) Hey. Carol: Hey, what are you doing here? Ross: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when you and I split up, did you get the tape that was half the last episode of MASH and half the hostages coming home? Carol: Ah yeah, but now it’s Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home. Ross: Where’s Ben? Carol: He’s sleeping. Ross: Ahh. (notices the table) Ooh, is this a ah, is this a bad time? Carol: Umm, yeah, actually, Susan’s gonna be home any minute, it’s kinda an anniversary. Ross: Oh! I thought you guys got married in uh, January? Carol: It’s not that kind of anniversary. Ross: Ah! (realises) Oh. Carol: Sooo!! Anyway... Ross: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah anniversaries are great. ‘Cause you know love lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this lifetime, money in the bank, so Rachel and I broke up. Carol: Oh God, Ross I am so sorry. Ross: Yeah, well. Carol: Y'know what, I want to talk to you about this so much, but we should probably do it when we could really get into it, are you free for dinner tomorrow night? Ross: Oh yeah, I’d love that. Carol: Oh, great! Me too. Ross: I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job. (he sits down at the table.) [Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe is on the phone to the motor club.] Phoebe: Okay, yeah. (to Monica and Rachel) Triple A can pick us up. Rachel: Great! Phoebe: Yeah, what town are we near? Monica: Freemont. West-Westmont, ah Westburg? Phoebe: (to Monica) Then why are you answering? Do you at least know what route we’re on? Rachel: Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27. Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay. (to Rachel) There is no Route 27. (listens) (to Rachel) Okay, either 93 or 76? Rachel: I don’t know, I’m sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove up here. Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Hey, can you send somebody up and down 76 and check every rest stop, and, and also 93? (listens) Okay! (hangs up) Yeah, no they don’t do that. Rachel: Ugh, okay, well somebody will come and save us. Monica: Who? I mean have you seen a car come by here in the last hour and a half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a car and come pick us up. Rachel: No! No, I am not getting in a car with Ross, we will just have to live here! Phoebe: But if... Rachel: No you guys, I am not getting in a car with him, you’ll have to think of something else. Phoebe: Oh good, oh Joey and Chandler are back. [Joey walks up helping Chandler.] Monica: So the going for help went well? Joey: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed. Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light another cigarette.) Monica: Then why are you smoking? Chandler: Well it’s very unsettling. [Scene: Carol and Susan’s, Ross is eating the dinner Carol made for Susan.] Ross: ....right? Right? I mean it’s pretty unbelievable y'know, I mean they just took off, took off without even looking back. Y'know I don’t, I don’t need them, huh, I’ve got you guys now as friends, you and Susan. Carol: Ah, Susan will be so pleased. [Ross’s beeper goes off.] Ross: (looking at the page) 717? (to Carol) Where’s 717? (He gets up to return the page, Carol starts to take the last of the food into the kitchen, but Ross grabs the last piece.) Hey, you’ve have more of these for Susan right? Carol: No. But it’s okay, I’ll just put out pickles or something. [Cut to the rest stop, Monica and Phoebe are waiting anxiously by the phone as it rings.] Phoebe: (answering the phone) (whispering) Ross, thank God. Ross: Pheebs? What, why are you whispering? Phoebe: I ate a bug. [Rachel starts to walk up.] Monica: (running over to stop Rachel) Hey Rach, the tampons here are only a penny. Let’s stock up. (takes her into the bathroom) Phoebe: Listen Ross, we ran out of gas, and we don’t know where we are, so we can’t get a tow truck. Ross: Oh, now you want a favour? Phoebe: Yes, please. Ross: Well, oh, I’m sorry your car broke down Pheebs, but I’m a little too busy with some of my real friends right now, but please call to let me know you got home safely okay? Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone away from Ross) (on phone) Phoebe, hang on a second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my car, go pick up your friends. Ross: No, I’m not gonna pick them up. Carol: Listen, we both know you’re gonna do it ‘cause you’re not a jerk. Okay? So you can either sulk here for a half hour and then go pick them up, or save us both time and sulk in the car. Ross: No, Rachel doesn’t want me to.... Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you ‘cause she fell in love with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all of this, but don’t punish your friends for what Rachel did to you. Ross: Yeah, you’re right. Carol: (on phone) Phoebe hang on a second Ross wants to say something. (listens) What? (listens) (to Ross) You slept with someone else?! Ross: We were on a break!!! Okay!! (grabs the phone) We were, we were..., (calms down) yeah. Where are you? I’ll find you. (hangs up) Carol: You slept with another woman? Ross: Oh, you-you’re-you’re one to talk. [Scene: The rest stop, Joey is making a sign.] Joey: Okay, done. Monica: (reading the sign) What’s ‘pleh’? Joey: That’s ‘help’ spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air! Monica: Huh. What’s doofus spelled backwards? [Ross drives up.] Rachel: (all excited) Op, op, car! Car!! (sees it’s Ross) Ugh!!! Phoebe: Oh, it’s Ross on one of his drives! Chandler and Joey: Hey!! Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: What is he doing here?! Ross: He is saving your butt, ah, unless of course I’m stepping on some toes here, in which case I can just mosey on, I’ve got plenty of people to help on the Interstate. All: No! Come on! Rachel: All right!! Fine! Fine. [Ross grabs the gas can he brought along, and walks through Joey’s sign destroying it.] Joey: Arrrghh!! Chandler: Oh no, now it’s not gonna make any sense! Phoebe: (to Chandler and Monica) You guys, what, what do we do about Ross who drove all the way up here? What do we do? Just like send him back and we’re then gonna go skiing? Chandler: Oh, this is horrible, it’s just horrible. Joey: Guys, do you think we should ask Ross to come along? Monica: I know, what about Rachel? I mean how are we even gonna ask her? Rachel: Ask me what? Monica: Umm, if ah, it might be okay if Ross came skiing? Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey: No, I wasn’t gonna ask you that, no. Rachel: You guys are unbelievable. No! He cannot come. Ross: Excuse me? Chandler: It’s horrible. Ross: (sarcastic) Oh please, can’t I come to your special, magical cabin? Rachel: Why would you even want to come Ross? You’re a horrible skier. Ross: Oh-oh, hitting me where it hurts, my ski skills. Monica: Here we go again. Joey: I-I can’t handle this, you guys. Chandler: Y'know what, I can handle it, handle’s my middle name. Actually it’s the ah, middle part of my first name. Ross: All right Pheebs, your cab’s ready. Rachel: All right, let’s go! Ross: You’re welcome. Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else? Ross: We were on a break! Rachel: Y'know Ross why don’t you put that on your answering machine! Ross: Hey-hey, it’s valid okay? And I’m not the only one who thinks so, Monica agrees with me. Rachel: (to Monica) What?! Monica: (shyly) I don’t know. Ross: That’s what you said last night. Monica: What I said was, was that I understood. Joey’s the one who agreed with you! Ross: Okay. Rachel: Really Joey? Joey: (pause) What? Phoebe: Y'know what, but there is, there is no right or wrong, here. Rachel: No, I think it’s very obvious who’s wrong here. Ross: Obviously not to Joey. [They all turn around and look at Joey.] Joey: (pause) What? [They all start fighting with each other.] Ross: (to Rachel) Look both, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I do. No-no-no-no. Chandler: Guys, guys, guess who I am?! (starts dancing around in an effort to stop the fighting.) [They stop briefly to look at Chandler, but then start fighting again.] Phoebe: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! (they all stop fighting, Chandler continues to dance.) Look what you’re doing to Chandler!! (Chandler finally stops) (to Ross and Rachel) Yeah, look, we know this is really, really hard for you guys. Okay? (Ross starts to leave) You don’t, all right you don’t have to love each other, okay? You don’t, you don’t even have to like each other much right now. But please, you have to figure out a way to be around each other. Joey: Yeah, and not put us in the middle. Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise, I mean that’s, that’s, that’s just it for us hanging out together. Y'know is that what you want? (they both look away) Can you be civil? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: I can. Phoebe: Okay. Good, all right, let’s get back in the car, ‘cause it’s freezing, and my chest is unsupported. Joey: Oh what, wait, wait a second, I mean, what are we doing? Who’s going with who? Ross: Look, you guys, you guys should go. (Joey tries to say something, but Ross cuts him off.) No, I’m, you, you planned this all out, and I don’t want to ruin it, so you guys should just go. Joey: Come on man, you drove all the way up here. Ross: No, no, really, I’ve got to take the car back anyway, I’m spending all day tomorrow with Ben, It’s fine, no guilt I promise. Rachel: Thank you. Monica: All right, we’ll call you when we get back. Ross: Okay. Phoebe: Maybe we can like go to a movie or something. Ross: Okay. Phoebe: Or, or the rodeo!! Ross: That would be great. Phoebe: Okay! Chandler: I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure. Ross: I know! [They all get in the cab and drive away.] Phoebe: Bye!!! [Ross tries to start the truck, and discovers the battery’s d*ad.] Closing Credits [Scene: Carol and Susan’s, Carol is running to answer the door.] Carol: (looking through the peephole) Ugh. (opening the door) Ross! Ross: (entering) Hi! Sorry I’m late. Were you sleeping? Carol: Ahh, nooo!! Ross: Oh, great! Listen, oh I had to get you a whole new battery. I got you the best one I could, ‘cause that’s not where you want to skimp. Carol: You’re a genius, Ross. Ross: Yeah, well it came to about $112, but what the hell, just call it an even 110? Carol: Okay, I’ll pay you tomorrow. (pushes him out the door) Ross: Okay. Carol: Okay, bye!! Ross: So they ah, they all took off, it was pretty hard watching them go, y'know? Carol: Yeah, okay, bye. (closes the door, turns out the lights, and runs back to the bedroom) Ross: (outside the door) So I’m gonna take off then! End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x17 - The One Without The Ski Trip"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, all but Chandler are there, Joey laughs for no apparent reason.] Monica: (to Joey) What’s so funny? Joey: Oh, nothing, no. It’s an acting exercise, I’m practising my fake laugh. Monica: Oh. (she laughs) Joey: What-what’s so funny? (Chandler enters with a cigarette.) gn: (to Chandler) Oh, no-no, no-no-no, there’s none of that in here. Chandler: Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one. gn: Okay, but only if you give me a drag. Chandler: Okay. (Chandler hands him the cigarette, and he takes a long drag.) gn: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey tit. (hands Chandler back the cigarette.) Chandler: No-no, why don’t you hang on to that one. (He goes and sits down next to Rachel and puts a cigarette in his mouth, which Rachel takes away from him. He puts another cigarette in his mouth, and Rachel takes it away again.) Chandler: Okay, that’s like the least fun game ever. Rachel: Well, I’m really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that is going to help you quit. (hands him an audio cassette) Chandler: Oh. (takes the cassette and puts it on his arm like the stop smoking patch, and it falls off.) Nope, that patch is no good. (Joey and Monica both do their fake laughs.) Rachel: Come on, it’s a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn’t smoked since. Ross: Pffhah. Rachel: (to Ross) What’s your problem? Ross: Nothing, it’s just that hypnosis is beyond crap. Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City. Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay. Rachel: Oh right, ‘cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks. Phoebe: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men. Chandler: Or what my Father called Thursday night. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Ross is handing Rachel a cup of coffee.] Ross: Here you go. Rachel: Oh, y'know what, I didn’t want cinnamon on this. Ross: Sorry. (To remedy that, Ross scoops the cinnamon off of the top with his hand.) Frank: (entering) Hi! Phoebe: Oh my God!! Frank: Hi! Phoebe: Frank! Hi! Frank: How are you? Phoebe: What are you doing here? Frank: Oh, well y'know, I would’ve called but I lost your phone number and then ah, my Mom locked me out of the house so I couldn’t find it. And then, I tried to find a pay phone, and ah, the receiver was cut off. So... Phoebe: What happened? Frank: Ah, oh, the ah, vandalism. Phoebe: But, also, what happened between you and your Mom? Frank: Well, we got into a fight ‘cause ah, she said I was to immature to get married. Phoebe: Your getting married?! Frank: Oh, yeah! All: Wow! Phoebe: My little brother’s getting married!! Frank: Oh, I knew you’d be so cool about this. All right, ah, hey, do you want to meet her? Phoebe: Do I? Frank: Do you? Phoebe: Yeah, I do, yeah. Frank: Okay, cool, all right, she just ah, parking the truck. (to Joey) I’m gonna, I’m gonna get my ah, my fianc�e man! Chandler: Y'know, I would’ve bet good money that he’d be the first one of us to get married. Phoebe: Yeah, isn’t it fantastic? Monica: Yeah, ah, but Pheebs don’t you think he’s a little young to get married? Phoebe: What, he’s 18. Ross: Exactly, it’ll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party. Joey: Yeah, or-or to get a hooker. Chandler: Always illegal Joe. Frank: (entering with his fianc�e Alice, who is obviously much, much older than he is) Hey! Hey! This is ah, my fianc�e, Mrs. Knight. (he points out Phoebe to her) Alice: Y'know it-it’s funny, um, Frank told me so much about you, but your not how I pictured you at all. Phoebe: Yeah, I’m a big surprise. (Ross lets them both sit in his chair.) Monica: So, um, how-how did you guys meet? Frank: Well um, I was in ah Mrs. Knight’s ah, I mean Alice, sorry, Alice, I always do that. I was in her ah, Home Ec class. Alice: And he was my best student. Frank: Yeah, she was my best teacher. Alice: Ohhh. (They embrace in a very passionate kiss.) Chandler: If that doesn’t keep kids in school, what will? Ross: And so now you guys are gonna be married? Alice: Yeah. Y'know we-we talked about just living together, but um, we want to have kids right away. (Both Chandler and Phoebe have shocked looks on their faces.) Rachel: Oh my God!! Great! Phoebe: Wow, kids. Frank, are you sure you’re ready for that? Frank: I mean, how hard can it be? Y'know, I mean, y'know, babies, y'know who doesn’t want babies right? And besides y'know, I never had a Dad around, and ah, now-now I always will, ‘cause y'know, it’ll be me. Right? Alice: Y'know, I mean, really we do realise that there’s an age difference between us. Phoebe: Oh good! Okay. ‘Cause you were acting like you didn’t. Alice: Oh no, but when it comes to love, what does age matter? (They both growl and hiss at each other and then kiss passionately again.) [Scene: Chandler’s bedroom, Chandler is listening to the hypnosis tape.] Hypnosis Tape: You are falling fast asleep. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. You are now completely asleep. You don’t need to smoke. Cigarettes don’t control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman. [Scene: The Moondance Diner, Monica is working, Rachel is having lunch.] Monica: And y'know what, I just realised, in the last year I’ve only gone out with two guys, Richard and Julio. You gotta help me out here, you gotta set me up, you gotta get me back in the game. Rachel: Well, that shouldn’t be a problem. I mean I work in fashion and all I meet are eligible straight men. Monica: (to a customer) Pete, can I get you something else? Pete: Yeah, a slice of cheesecake and-and a date if you’re given’ ‘em out. Monica: Haven’t you and I covered that topic? Pete: Hmm, come on, you just said to her that you…. Monica: Aww, the only reason you want to go out with me because my blond wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food. Pete: Well, if that were true, I’d dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. (to Rachel) Come on, you think she should go out with me, don’t you? Rachel: (laughs) Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? I mean that ain’t a pretty picture in the morning, y’know what I mean. That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the night stand, y'know. Monica: I mean really, think about it. Pete: Ho-ho, I will. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are being lectured by Phoebe.] Phoebe: No, I know, I know, that this is Frank’s life, (walks behind them, they turn around in the leather chairs to face her) y'know. Y'know, I don’t want to be all judgmental, y'know, but this is sick, it’s sick and wrong! Ross: Pheebs, what, is it the age thing? Phoebe: No-no, oh, I’m fine with the age thing y'know, until it starts sticking it’s tongue down my little brother’s throat! Joey: Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it. Phoebe: But, I mean, do you think he’s gonna enjoy it when he’s up to his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?! This is not fair to Frank, (she walks behind them again, and hey again turn to follow her) and it-it’s not fair to the babies, and y'know what, it’s not good home economics. Joey: Well, have-have you told him how you feel? Phoebe: Yes. Not out loud. Ross: Pheebs, if you don’t tell him, soon he’s gonna be married, and then you’re gonna hate yourself. Phoebe: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he’s gonna hate myself. I mean look at him and his Mom, I can’t. (pause) But, you guys can, please you gotta talk him out of it. Ross and Joey: No-no-no-no-no. (They start to turn away, but Phoebe stops them, and turns them back to face her.) Phoebe: Come on, you guys, you have nothing to lose, I have everything to lose. Do you want me to lose everything? Everything?! Ross and Joey: No. Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna go get Frank. (exits) Joey: So, we’re walking down the street and I turn to you and I say, “Hey, let’s go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes,” remember? And then, and then, you turn to me and say, “Nah, let’s just hang out at your place.” Well, that was a nice move dumb ass. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are entering.] Rachel: I think you should definitely go out with this guy. Monica: Nah, he doesn’t do anything for me. Rachel: Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on Walker: Texas Ranger? Monica: Well, umm, Walker was looking for this big bus load of kids…. (realises) All right, I get your point. Rachel: All right. Chandler: (entering, carrying a briefcase) Hi. Monica: Hey. Chandler: Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago? I just carry it around. Do you have any Chap Stick? Monica: Uh, yeah. Rachel: Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya? Chandler: Y'know what, pretty good. Rachel: Yeah? Chandler: Good! I haven’t smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a stunning blouse. Rachel: Thank you. Monica: Here you go. Chandler: Thanks Rachel: Hey Mon, let’s give Pete a chance Come on, he was funny, he seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable. Chandler: What check thing? Monica: As a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me gave me a $20,000 tip. His number is on the check, he just did so I’d call him. Chandler: (reading the check) Pete Becker. Pete… (quickly grabs a magazine and opens it up to show her a picture) (pointing to the picture) Is this him? Monica: That’s Bill Clinton. Chandler: Who’s he huggin’? Monica: Oh my God! That’s Pete! But why is Bill huggin’ Pete? Chandler: This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that program! Rachel: We use it!! Chandler: There you go!! Rachel: Oh my God, Monica’s gonna go out with a millionaire. Monica: I’m not gonna go out with him. Rachel: Oh my God, I can’t believe this is a real $20,000 check, oh this is just so exciting. Monica: Or incredibly offensive. Rachel: Oh yeah, sure, that too. (Chandler is putting on the Chap Stick the same way that women put on lipstick, including the bit with the piece of tissue.) Chandler: (to the girls who are staring at him) What? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are talking to Frank.] Ross: All we’re saying is don’t rush into anything. Joey: Yeah, come on, think about it. You’re 18, okay, she’s 44, when you’re 36, she’s gonna be 88. Frank: What, you don’t think I know that? Joey: Look, the point is, there’s a lot of women out there you haven’t even had sex with yet! Ross: Yeah, he-he’s right, he’s right. This is your time y'know, yeah, you’re young, you’re-you’re weird, chicks dig that. Frank: Okay, but isn’t sex better when it’s with one person that you really, really care about. Joey: Yeah, in a poem maybe. Ross: No the man’s right, that’s what I had with Rachel. Frank: You don’t have it anymore? Ross: No, I ah, I slept with someone else. Frank: Okay, so wait, all right, so how does that make things better? Ross: It didn’t. Frank: Okay, so what you used to have with Rachel, is what I’ve got with Alice. Joey: Now, wh-what, what is that like? Frank: It’s so cool man, it’s so, it’s just ‘cause being with her is so much better than like not being with her. Ross: Yeah, yeah. Joey: (to Ross) Why can’t I find that? Ross: Don’t ask me, I had it and I blew it! Joey: Well, I want it! Frank: You can have it! Joey: I don’t know, maybe I can’t. I mean, maybe there’s something wrong with me. Ross: Oh, no! No! Frank: It’s out there man! I’ve seen it! I got it!! Joey: Then you hold on to it!! Frank: All right, man!! Joey: All right, congratulations you lucky bastard! (hugs him) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s after Ross and Joey’s talk with Frank, and Phoebe’s is finding out what happened.] Phoebe: (to Joey) You’re Frank’s best man?! Joey: I couldn’t help it, there love is so pure. Phoebe: Well then, (to Ross) what about you?! Huh?! Ross: I’m the ring bearer. (As Phoebe stands there in shock and disbelief, Chandler comes out of the bathroom and walks to his bedroom. He’s just got out of the shower and has the towel wrapped around himself high across his chest, and another towel wrapped around his head, like women wear towels. Joey watches Chandler wondering what the hell he’s doing.) Commercial Break [Scene: Phoebe’s, Phoebe is opening the door.] Phoebe: Hi! Oh, Alice, hi! Thanks. I’m so glad you could come, ‘cause I’ve got a real umm, Home Ec emergency. (Points to the table cloth, which has a huge mustard stain on it.) Alice: Oh my God, who died on this?! Phoebe: Yeah, I know. It’s a real mustard-tastrophe. Can you help me? Alice: Absolutely. Okay, first we’ll start with a little club soda and salt, and then if that doesn’t work we can go back to… Phoebe: Y'know what, forget it. It’s ruined. Alice: Oh no-no, never say that. If we can’t get it out then we can cut around the stain, add a little lace, you make a stylish throw. Phoebe: Or instead, maybe you could just not marry my brother Frank. [Scene: Pete’s office, he is participating in a conference call with three other employees, each of whom are on a different TV screen that he controls with a remote.] Pete: Okay, that’s great, but can we make it smaller? Can we make it fit on the head of a pin? I love when we make things fit on the head of a pin. All: Got it. Yeah all right. Yeah, okay. (The intercom buzzes.) Secretary: You have a Miss Monica Geller here. Pete: Uh, absolutely, yeah, sEnd her in. (Monica enters) Hi. Monica: What the hell is this? (holding up the check) Pete: Hang on a second. (to the employees) I’ll-I’ll talk to you in the morning. (turns two of the three off) I’m sorry what? Monica: Seriously, what is this supposed to mean? Pete: Well, y’know, I never know how much to tip. Monica: You’re supposed to double the tax. Not double the tax of Romania. I mean, what’s-what’s the deal? Are you, are you trying to buy me? Is this the way you get girls to go out with you? Employee: Umm, I’m still here. Pete: (turns off the TV) You’re taking this all wrong. Because, if I didn’t leave you that tip, you wouldn’t of come down here, we wouldn’t be having this argument, and there wouldn’t be this ah, heat between us. Monica: What?! Pete: Come on, you gotta admit that our relationship is ah, is hitting a new level now. ‘Cause you used to be like the chef, and I was the customer, and now we’re like this-this couple that fights. Monica: Okay, umm, you’re a loon. Pete: Look, forget the check, okay. (rips up the check) I like you. I think you’re great. Come on, what do you say? Monica: I don’t know. Pete: Why not? Monica: ‘Cause I don’t want to encourage this kind of behaviour. Pete: One meal! That’s all I’m asking for. Please? We go out, we eat, and if you don’t have a good time, I give you ten grand, we call it even. [Scene: Phoebe’s, she is coming home. She turns on the lights, and sits down on the couch.] Frank: (hiding under a pile of clothes) Hi. (She jumps up screaming.) Wait, no! Just put the mail down. It’s-it’s me! Phoebe: Okay. Whoa, sorry. Why were you just like all in the dark? Frank: Oh well, um, your, your laundry just smelled so good, that I thought I’d curl up in it. Is that all right? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. So, how was your day? Frank: Oh, well just probably the worst one since I’ve been alive. Phoebe: What umm, what happened? Frank: Umm, Alice ah, she ah, called it off. Phoebe: Oh no. Did umm, did she say why? Frank: Uh, no, not really, just that I was too young, y'know, but I don’t see how I could all of the sudden be too young, ‘cause I’m older than I was when we first got together. Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, no, I don’t, I don’t know. But, y'know what, maybe it’s just all for the best? Frank: Yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain! Phoebe: Oh, sweetie, oh. (hugs him) Frank: Y'know, I just was finally happy y'know. For the first time in my life! After my Dad left me, and then, and then getting arrested for stealing those birds, and then, and then the whole punctured lung thing! I can, it’s still really hard to take deep breaths in cold weather, but with Alice all that stuff kinda went away. And now it’s, and now it’s gone and I don’t know why! Phoebe: Uh, well I can tell you why. It’s, it’s because of me. But, y'know what, I only did it because I love you. Okay? Frank: What? Phoebe: Umm, well I, I kinda had a little chat with Alice, and I sort of made her see why you two shouldn’t be together, y'know. And you’re gonna see it to, one day, you really, really will. Frank: Wait a minute, wait, this is because of you? Phoebe: Okay. Frank: Well, you, wait no, my Mother didn’t want us to be together, but the worst thing she ever did was tie me to the porch. Phoebe: Okay, but. Frank: Wait, y'know what, I-I came to you because I thought you’d understand! Oh no!! Y'know, I would storm out of here right now if-if I had some money, or a place to go… [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Monica ready for her date. The guys are also there. The door buzzes.] Rachel: Oh my God! The millionaire’s here! Chandler: (in a feminine way) Oh my God! (and he jumps all around) Monica: Guys, please, I’m just gonna have dinner with him. Okay? Chandler: Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner, does not mean you owe him anything. Monica: I know!! Chandler: Okay, then get the lobster! Monica: (opening the door) (to Pete) Hey! Pete: Hi. Rachel: Hi!! Joey: Hey! Ross: Hi! (They’re all staring at him, with big, huge smiles on their faces.) Joey: Hey, how much cash do you got in your pocket right now? Monica: And that’s why, I’m not inviting you in for a drink. (starts to leave) Bye. All: Oh-no-no-no-no…. Rachel: Just one drink?! Monica: (in the hallway) So, where do you want to go? Pete: Hey, you like pizza? Monica: Oh, that’s sounds great. Pete: I know a great little place. [Cut to a sht of the coliseum in Rome, Italy.] [Scene: A restaurant in Rome, Monica is paying for the pizza.] Pete: You’re, hey, you’re not paying for the pizza! Monica: Oh come on, it’s only fair, you paid for the flight. Now is, is that enough lire? Pete: Ahh, I’d throw another thousand on that. Monica: Why, how much is that? Pete: That’s about 60 cents. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s the middle of the night. Joey is walking into the living room, and runs into the entertainment centre.] Joey: Every night!! (He starts to walk to the bathroom and hears the hypnosis tape from Chandler’s bedroom.) Hypnosis Tape: You do not need to smoke. Cigarettes don’t control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. (Joey walks out smiling to himself.) [Scene: Phoebe’s, Frank is watching TV, and he’s very depressed as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey, Frank. Look, okay, I know that you think I did like this totally evil thing, but I so didn’t. There’s someone here who can explain this better than I can. Alice: Hi Frank. Frank: Hi, Mrs. Knight. Alice: Phoebe’s right Frank. I know it’s hard to hear, but it would’ve been wrong to go through with it. I-I-I was being selfish, even though we, we want the same things now, in the future we may not. (to Phoebe) Is that it, is that what it is? Phoebe: Yeah, but not just that. Alice: Right, not just that. Umm, even though we love each other as much as we do, none the less… Phoebe: None the less. Alice: None the less. Umm, you’re too young to, to really know what you want. (They embrace in a passionate kiss.) Phoebe: That’s right, exactly. (sees them) All right, it’s a good bye kiss, that’s good. (Frank picks Alice up and they move to the couch) Bye-bye. (They both lie down on the couch and start to make out.) Okay, no, the important thing is that you see what I’m saying, y'know, just y'know, this is clearly wrong. (They ignore her) Okay, I’ve decided I’m gonna let this happen! Okay, can I just get my purse? (She reaches in and Alice moans) Okay, all right, good. (leaves). Closing Credits [Scene: Chandler’s bedroom, he’s listening to the hypnosis tape again.] Hypnosis Tape: Cigarette’s don’t control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. Joey: (He’s recorded his voice on the tape) Joey’s your best friEnd. You want to make him a cheese sandwich everyday. (he laughs) And you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants. (Chandler wakes up and stares at the tape.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x18 - The One With The Hypnosis Tape"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Adam Chase Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, gn is pouring Rachel coffee.] gn: Here you go. Rachel: Thank you. gn: (In his head) Say Rachel, I was wondering if you’d like to go to a movie with me sometime. As my lover! Nnnsch, to out there. Maybe you’d just like to ah, get something to eat with me sometime? As my lover. Mark: (entering) Hi! Rachel: Hi! All right, let’s go shoppin’!! Mark: Um, y'know, before we go ah, there’s something I need to say. Rachel: Oh, okay. Mark: I’ve kinda of had this ah, this crush on you. (Rachel is shocked) But since you were with Ross, I-I didn’t do anything about it. But, now that you’re not, I’d really like to ask you out sometime. So-so that’s-that’s what I’m doing, now. (gn gets this hurt expression on his face and goes into the back room) Rachel: Wow! Umm.... (She’s interrupted by a loud crash and the sound of braking dishes. Followed quickly by another crash. Everyone turns and looks at the back room, as gn emerges.) gn: I dropped a cup. Opening Credits [Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Pete and Monica are returning from their date.] Pete: ...so y'know, that’s why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y'know, so you could be like-like, ‘Wash my car.’ ‘Clean my room.’ It’s not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it’ll understand what you’re saying. Monica: Oh, this is so great. Pete: Yeah, it was. Monica: All right then. (He leans in to kiss her goodnight, but she quickly kisses him on the cheek and pats his shoulder.) Bye. (She goes into her apartment and sees Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross sitting there.) Monica: Hello, people who do not live here. All: Hi! Hello! Monica: I gave you a key for emergencies! Phoebe: We were out of Doritos. Ross: Hey, how’d the date go with Mr. Millionaire? Chandler: Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately. Monica: He’s great! I mean we have such a good time together! He’s so funny, and sooo sweet, and I’m not attracted to him at all!! Ross: Still?! Monica: Noo!! It’s driving me crazy. I mean every other way he’s like the perfect guy, he has everything. Plus! He actually has everything. Chandler: Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image? Monica: Two. Chandler: Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight? Joey: (entering, dancing and singing) Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! (He dances around the dinner table and exits) Ross: I guess he musta gotten the part in that play. Monica and Phoebe: Oh. Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you. [Scene: A Theatre, Joey is arriving to rehearse the play he’s in.] The Director: Joe. How’s it going? Joey: Good. (He sets his stuff down and starts talking to Kate, another cast member.) Hey. Kate: Hi. Joey: Oh, so you’re playing Adrienne, huh? Kate: Yes. Are you one of the retrd cousins? Joey: Oh, no. Ah, I playing your husband, Victor. I’m Joey Tribianni. Kate: Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller. (She goes over to the snack table, and Joey quickly runs over and pours her a cup of coffee.) Joey: So the ah, play’s pretty great, huh? Kate: Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Van Murray’s work. She’s so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the American middle class. Joey: Oh, forget about it. She rocks! Kate: Where do I know you from? Joey: Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen bat. Kate: No, that’s not it. So, you’re a soap actor? Well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm? Joey: Hey, I’ve done plays before. I’m a serious actor. Kate: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You’re-you’re-you’re the guy that doesn’t know how to pour milk!! Joey: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldn’t. Now, see, that’s acting. Kate: Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie. Joey: Yeah, that was real. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe about Mark, as gn eavesdrops behind them.] Phoebe: Wow! I cannot believe Mark asked you out. Rachel: I know. Phoebe: What, so what are you gonna tell him? Rachel: Well, I told him I would think about it, but I’m gonna tell him no. Phoebe: Huh. (gn tries to swoop in to ask Rachel out.) Rachel: I mean I think I’d say no to anybody right now. (Hearing this gn swoops back to cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I’m standing there with this charming, cute guy, who’s asking me to go out with him, which I’m allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like I’d be cheating on Ross or something. Phoebe: Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you’re not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father. Rachel: I don’t have any issues with my Father. Phoebe: Okay, so it’s probably just the Ross thing then. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is telling Chandler about Kate.] Joey: I hate this woman!! I hate her! She told everyone in the company about that info-mercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. Okay, and whenever I can’t do it, they’re all like-like laughing at me. Ross: (entering) Hello. Chandler and Joey: Hey! Ross: So Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going over in a minute. Joey: Wow, what-what do you think she wants? Ross: Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realises that life without me.... a-sucks. Chandler: It’s possible. You are very loveable, I’d miss you if I broke up with you. (Ross glares at him) I was just trying to be supportive. Ross: Then be supportive like a guy. Chandler: (in a deep voice) If I broke up with you, I’d miss you. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Ross enters, walking very confidently.] Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi! Ross: You ah, wanted to see me? Rachel: Yeah. Ahh, here’s a box of your stuff. (hands him a box) Ross: What?! Rachel: Oh, y'know, it’s just like hats, and a shirt, and CD’s, just sort of stuff that you’ve left here. Ross: What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? Or something? Rachel: No. Ross, it, it just seems that y'know it’s time we-we y'know, move on. I mean, I mean don’t’ you think? Ross: Yes. Rachel: Yeah? Ross: Yes, I do. Rachel: Good. Ross: Yeah, I-I really do. (takes a dinosaur mug out of the box) Hey! This-this was a gift?! Rachel: Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop. Ross: It’s still a gift! I got it from the gift shop! Rachel: Okay, all right, give me the mug! I’ll keep the mug. Ross: No!! Y'know-y'know don’t do me any favours. In fact, where, where’s the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a book) Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? I’d like that back too. Yes, I do. Rachel: You know how much I love that T-shirt! You never even where that T-shirt! Ross: I’m just trying to help you, move on. Rachel: Oh, you are a petty man. You are a petty, petty.... Ross: Petty... Rachel: Petty... (goes into her room) Ross: Petty... Rachel: Petty... Ross: Petty... Rachel: Small... Ross: Small... (Rachel comes back into the living room and catches Ross mocking her.) Rachel: You are so just doing this out of spite. Ross: Awwwahuh, no, no, no!! Rachel: Huh? Ross: I’m-I’m gonna wear this all the time! I love this shirt!! (he kisses the shirt) Rachel: You have not worn that T-shirt since you were 15!! It doesn’t even fit you anymore! Ross: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah... Rachel: (imitating him) yeah-yeah-yeah!! Ross: Oh-oh, okay, okay! (He quickly takes off his sweater in order to put on the T-shirt. It’s an old ‘Frankie says relax’ T-shirt, that barely fits him. Rachel nods her head in approval of the new look.) If you don’t mind I’m gonna the rest of my stuff, and relax, in my favourite shirt. (Starts to leave) You have a pleasant evening. (He exits and leaves the door open.) [Scene: Central Perk, the gng minus Rachel and Ross are talking to Pete.] Phoebe: So, you’re like a zillionaire? (Pete smiles and nods) Chandler: And you’re our age. You’re our age. Phoebe: Y'know what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself. Pete: What like Pete Dakota? Phoebe: Yeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete. Joey: Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago. Chandler: That’s not a state Joe. Joey: Oh, and Mississ-Pete is? Pete: I got to go, so ah, I’ll see you guys later. All: Okay. Chandler: You’re our age! Pete: (to Monica, by the door) So ah, we on for tomorrow? Monica: Absolutely! (He goes to kiss her, but she stops him and rubs his head and says...) Now get out of here you!! (Pete leaves) (to the gng) Okay, I’m running out of places I can touch him! Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where there’s no future? Either they’re too old, or they’re too young, and then there’s Pete who’s-who’s crazy about me, and who’s absolutely perfect for me, and there’s like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like something’s wrong with me?! Phoebe: Yeah, kinda. [Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing for the play.] Kate: Happy?! Is that what I’m supposed to be Vic? Happy? Joey: Well, why don’t you tell me what you’re supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can’t figure it out! I talk to you and nothin’. You look at me, and it’s nothin’. (He kisses her) Nothing. The Director: Tasty! I’m really starting to feel like you guys have a history, it’s-it’s nice. Kate: I have a question about this scene. The Director: Yes? Kate: Well, I don’t understand why Adrienne’s attracted to Victor. The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he’s good looking. Joey: Yeah. Kate: I think my character’s gonna need a little bit more of reason than that. Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, it’s says so in the script! Y'know ah, I-I don’t know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script here that you’re a bitch. Kate: It doesn’t say that in the script. Joey: It does in mine! [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Ross are returning from working out.] Chandler: I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesn’t matter, I still wind up with this little (pats the flat spot on the back of his head) cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. It’s so annoying. Does it bug you? Ross: You bug me. [Rachel comes out of her apartment, followed by Mark, and they leave on their date, without saying a word to Ross. Ross is stunned.] Chandler: Is there any chance you didn’t see that? Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching a basketball game, Ross is staring out the peephole.] Chandler: Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You can’t just stare through the peep hole for three hours! You’re gonna get peep eye! Ross: I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! Y'know, she’d say no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does! Chandler: You didn’t just break up. Ross: Hey, it’s been like three weeks! Chandler: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bllts have left gn slower! Ross: Here they come, here they come. Oh-ho, if she kisses him goodnight, I’m gonna kll myself, I swear. I can’t, I can’t watch this. (turns away, then quickly turns to look again) Come on, date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go, she’s going in. Chandler: Okay. Ross: She’s going in. Wait! He’s going in! He’s going in!! The door’s closed! I, I can’t see anything but the door closed!! Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave. Ross: Okay, I have to do something. I mean, I have, I have to stop it! Chandler: Stop what?! Ross: I don’t know, but I ah, I have the feeling that my being there will do it. I’ll go over and I will borrow something. Juice!! I need juice!! (He starts to exit, but Chandler tries to stop him by climbing on his back and grabbing hold of the foosball table.) Chandler: No!! You can’t!! Ross: Look, they must be stopped! Chandler: I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! (Ross is now dragging Chandler and the foosball table to the door) You are surprisingly strong! Ross: I need juice! People need juice!! Chandler: Look man! Ross: People need juice! Chandler: Listen to me!! (Chandler turns him around and closes and holds the door shut with his feet.) Ross: Juice, I need... Chandler: She’s moving on! Okay, if it’s not this guy, it’s gonna be somebody else! And unless you’re thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man? It’s over. Ross: Yeah, okay. Chandler: Okay. Ross: It’s just I miss her so much. Chandler: I know. (He rubs Ross’s head) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is pouring Mark some coffee.] Mark: Why do all you’re coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom? Rachel: Oh. That’s so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is missing, she can be like, ‘Where’s number 27?!’ (She sits down, and Mark leans over and kisses her. Rachel doesn’t react. He tries it again, and Rachel jumps back quickly.) Rachel: Y'know what? Mark: No. And I don’t think I’m gonna want to. Rachel: I can’t do this. Mark: Yep. Yep, that’s what I didn’t want to know. Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I’m doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I’m just doing it to get back at Ross. I’m sorry, it’s not very fair to you. Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here! Rachel: Oh God. I’m sorry about this. Mark: That’s okay. Rachel: You sure? Mark: Yeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself. [Scene: A Hospital Reception, Monica and Pete are there.] Spokeswoman: ...has become the penicillin of the twenty-first century. And so today, this hospital is about to take major steps toward leading that revolution. It is truly ironic, on one hand consider the size... Pete: (to Monica) Hey, can I ask you something? Monica: Sure. Pete: Where are we? Monica: (looks around) Well, with all these doctors and nurses, I’m gonna say, midget rodeo. Pete: Just tell me the truth. Monica: Okay. Umm, y'know, I don’t think, I don’t think I told you this, but umm, I just got out of a really serious relationship. Pete: Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that like a year ago? Monica: So I did tell you. Okay, y'know, that really isn’t the thing. Umm, the thing is that, right now I’m just in a place in my life where I need to focus on me. Y'know what I mean? Pete: Oh, yeah. I know that. Monica: I so wanna be attracted to you. Pete: But you’re not. Okay, good. Monica: I’m sorry. Pete: Y'know what, don’t be. This is not, don’t be, ‘cause it’s not so bad. Monica: It’s not? Pete: I know I’m no John Bon Jovi, (Monica laughs) or someone who find attractive, I’m just, I think, y'know, that you might end up feeling differently. Monica: Well, um, look I-I don’t want this to come our wrong, but ah, you seem awfully confident for a guy I just told I wasn’t attracted too. Pete: Yeah, stupidly charming isn’t’ it? Well listen let’s, you wanna get something to eat? ‘Cause this place is kinda depressing. (they start to leave) Spokeswoman: And the man who made all this possible... Mr. Peter Becker. Pete: (to Monica) One second. (He takes the scissors, cuts the ribbon, shakes her hand, posses for the picture, and leaves.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in one of the black chairs, and turns to face the other one.] Chandler: I don’t think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in. (He blows on his hand) Draw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise the foot rest, like a gn in a Western.) (Joey enters.) Chandler: (to Joey) I wasn’t doing anything. (Joey starts angrily throwing his stuff down.) Uh-oh, what did she do now? Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she’s like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread! Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth. Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, ‘Oh, I’m so talented.’ and ‘Oh, I’m so pretty,’ and ‘Ooh, I smell so good.’ Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody. Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! Y'know? Chandler: I’m talking about you. You big, big freak. Joey: Oh. (realises) Ohh. Ohh, you’re out of your mind. Chandler: Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you’d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now! Joey: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?! [Scene: The Theatre, Kate and Joey are rehearsing the same scene as before.] Kate: Happy?! Is that what I’m supposed to be Vic? Happy? Joey: Well, why don’t you tell me what you’re supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can’t figure it out! I talk to you and it’s nothin’. You look at me, and nothin’. (He kisses her, more passionately this time) Nothing. The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, we’re gonna pick it up here, tomorrow. Kate: Well, that was ah... Joey: Better? Kate: Yeah! Yeah, it was definitely an improvement. G’night. Joey: Ah, Kate? Kate: Yeah? Joey: You ah, you forgot your shoes. Kate: (she giggles) I’m probably gonna need those. Huh? (she giggles some more) Joey: Hey, listen you ah.... Kate: Hmm? Joey: ...feel like getting a cup of coffee? Kate: Umm. The Director: (leaning in) Kate? Kate: Yep. The Director: You ready to go? Kate: Yeah. The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away) Kate: So umm, I’ll see you tomorrow, huh? Joey: Yeah, yeah sure, goodnight. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen chopping vegetables. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting in the living room.] Phoebe: (to Chandler) Hey! (Chandler looks up, startled) Why isn’t it Spiderman? Y’know like Goldman, Silverman... Chandler: ‘Cause it’s-it’s not his last name. Phoebe: It isn’t? Chandler: No, it’s not like, like Phil Spiderman. He’s a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there’s no Gold Man. Phoebe: Oh, okay. There should be Gold Man! Rachel: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey, Rach, how was work? Rachel: Oh, great. Although I did sit down where there wasn’t a chair. Monica: By the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff. Rachel: Oh, well, I guess I had that one coming. I’m just gonna throw it out, it’s probably just a bunch of shampoo and... (she opens the box and stops) Monica: Something wrong? Rachel: (She takes the T-shirt out of the box and holds it to her chest and take a deep breath.) No. Nothing. (She smiles and goes into her room.) Closing Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the black chairs.] Chandler: So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have? Phoebe: Okay well, he would turn things to gold. Chandler: What about things that are already gold? Phoebe: Ahh, his work is done. Chandler: Okay, let’s play my game now. Phoebe: Okay. All right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-DRAW!! (they both kick up the foot rests like an old fashioned g*n fight.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x19 - The One With The Tiny T-shirt"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are there.] Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. You’re telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn’t want you back?! Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what it’s like to be you? Monica: Wow, you’re really crazy about her, huh? Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we’re on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it’s like somebody’s ripping out my heart! Phoebe: Oh, it’s so great to see you feeling like this! Ross: (entering) Hey! All: Hey! Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away. Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it. Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though? ‘Cause I thought death was something that’s supposed to be sad, in a way. Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person. Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And I’m sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse? Ross: You get the dollhouse. Monica: I get the dollhouse! Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel. Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse? Phoebe: No, just a barrel. Monica: Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse. Phoebe: Really?! Really?! Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with. Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me. Opening Credits [Scene: Rachel’s office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch.] Rachel: Hey, Sophie! Sophie: Hey, Rach! Chandler: Hey. Sophie: Hey. Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn’t have to walk me all the way back up here. Chandler: Oh, that’s-that’s okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.) Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don’t keep the women’s lingerie here in the office? Chandler: Yes, I realise that. Rachel: Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue) Chandler: That’s the stuff! (quickly grabs it) [Rachel’s boss, Joanna, enters] Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! You don’t work for me. Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna. Joanna: Bing! That’s a great name. Chandler: Thanks, it’s ah, Gaelic, for ‘Thy turkey’s done.’ So ah, I’m gonna go, nice, nice meeting you. Joanna: Me too. Rachel: Bye, Chandler. Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, what’s wrong with him? Rachel: Oh, nothing, he’s just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore. Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone? Rachel: No!! No! He’s not married, or involved, with anyone! Joanna: Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y'know what, forget it. Rachel: Well, I’ll ask him for you, if you want me too? Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something that Sophie would do? Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here. Joanna: I know that. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse. It’s a huge dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table.] Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper’s a little faded, that’s okay. Carpet’s a little loose. Hardwood floors!! Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hello. Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It’s so beautiful. Monica: I know!!! Phoebe: So, I’m here, ready to play. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (She removes this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places it next to the house.) Monica: What’s this? Phoebe: That’s a dog, every house should have a dog. Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof. Phoebe: Well, maybe it’s so big because the house was built on radioactive waste. Chandler: (holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes? Phoebe: No, no, that’s the ghost for the attic. Monica: I don’t want a ghost. Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you’ve got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground. Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen. Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don’t know much about the U.S. government. Rachel: (entering) Hey! All: Hello. Rachel: I need to talk to you! Ross: Sure, what’s up? Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler. Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up... (walks away) Chandler: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase. Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you... Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin’ out the Chan-Chan man! Rachel: (looks at him) That was (pause) surreal. Okay, what do think? Are you interested at all? Chandler: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I’ll do it. Rachel: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she’s gonna love me. Phoebe: (holding a dinosaur) Okay, dinosaur attck!! Quick, everybody into the house!! Ahh-ahh! (the dinosaur starts attacking the house. She starts to bark like a dog.) Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof! Monica: Okay, Phoebe, y'know what? That-that’s it, that’s it, all right? No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? They’re not the right size, they’re not Victorian, and they just don’t go. Phoebe: Okay, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine. Come dinosaur, we’re not welcome in the house of no imagination. Ross: Uh, Pheebs, while we’re hovering around the subject. I just have to say dinosaurs, they-they don’t go, rrroof! Phoebe: The little ones do. [Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting ready to rehearse the play.] Joey: Hey, Kate! Kate: Morning. Joey: Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last week... The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goes over to him) Joey: (to himself) And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. It was good, yeah... Woman: Hi, oh, I’m Lauren, Kate’s understudy. Joey: Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani. Lauren: I know! I-I’m a big fan of yours. Joey: (looks at her, shocked) What?! Lauren: I used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Joey: Get out of here, really?! Lauren: Absolutely! Joey: Yeah? Lauren: Oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft. Joey: They gave me the shaft all right. Lauren: (laughing) Oh, you’re so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something? Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great. Lauren: Cool! I-I’ll see you then. Joey: All right. The Director: All right, it’s time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with her own dollhouse, that she made herself.] Phoebe: Hey! All: Hey! Phoebe: Look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!! Rachel: Wow!! Phoebe: Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealing the interior.) Ross: Hey, what’s this?! Phoebe: Oh, okay, it’s the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. (She slides a doll down the slide) Monica: It’s very interesting, Phoebe. Rachel: What’s this? Phoebe: The Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests come over, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed. Ross: This is the coolest house ever!! (Monica is looking on with a hurt expression on her face.) Phoebe: Hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room? (lights some incense) Rachel: All right! Ross: I would! Monica: Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?! Ross and Rachel: Uh-huh. Phoebe: Watch, watch. (She turns a strand of Christmas lights strung around the house.) Ross and Rachel: Ooohhhh!! Phoebe: And, and! (She turns on a bubble maker.) Ross and Rachel: Ahhhh!! Chandler: (entering) Hey, my Father’s house does that! Rachel: (to Chandler) O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything. Chandler: Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there’s nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening. Rachel: Hmm. Chandler: Of course, I didn’t get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna’s such a big, dull dud! [Scene: Rachel’s office, Joanna’s telling Rachel, her side of the story.] Joanna: Chandler is fantastic!! Rachel: What?! Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Y’know how people just click? Like he came by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you? Rachel: Oh, I.... Joanna: Oh, and he’s got such a good heart! Doesn’t he have a good heart? Rachel: Oh, I know... Joanna: Oh, I know and he’s soo sweet! Listen, he said he was going to call, so put him straight through. Sophie: Isn’t this great?! Joanna: Don’t spoil it. [Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing.] Joey: Come on baby, don’t go. Please? What do you say? [A phone rings.] The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! It’s you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.) Joey: (to Kate) That guy’s like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway? Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you’re dating. Joey: Hey, I’m not interested in her sweater! It’s what’s underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I’m going out with? Kate: I don’t care. Why, do you want me to care? Joey: Do you want me to want you to care? Kate: Do you? Joey: What? The Director: (returning) Okay, I’m afraid to say this, but let’s pick it up where we left off. [They resume rehearsing.] Joey: Come on baby, don’t go. Please? What do you say? Kate: I’ve got no reason to stay. (Joey grabs her and kisses her.) The Director: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a terrible play! I’ll see you in the morning. (exits) Kate: I can’t believe we go on in, in a week. Joey: Hey, it’s gonna be all right. Lauren: (to Joey) Hey! So since we’re getting off early, do you want to go and paint mugs? Joey: What? Lauren: You know! At the place I told you about last night? Joey: Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. But ah, y'know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight. Lauren: Oh, okay. Joey: Okay. (he gives her a peck on the cheek) Lauren: I’ll see you tomorrow. (she kisses him full on the mouth.) Joey: Okay. Lauren: G’night. (exits) Joey: (to Kate) Ah, are you okay? Kate: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh? Joey: I don’t know. Kate: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat. Joey: How do you mean? Kate: Well, Adrian’s looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor can’t just kiss her, he’s gotta, gotta really give her a reason, y'know? Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue. Kate: Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up. Joey: Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist. Kate: And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his stomach! Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her! Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal.... [cut to Joey’s bedroom, Joey and Kate are emerging from under the covers.] Joey: Something like that? Kate: Yeah, that’s pretty much what I had in mind. Joey: Yeah. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very happily.] Joey: (to Ross) Hey. Ross: Hi. Joey: (to Monica) Hey. (He walks up behind Monica and gives her a big hug and a kiss on the neck.) Ross: Hi. Joey: Hey. (He walks over behind Ross, thinks about it for a moment, and gives him a big hug.) Ross: It’s a little early to be drinkin’. Joey: No-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate. Ross: Ohhhhh! Monica: You’re kidding?! That’s great! Joey: Oh, it was so amazing. After the (pause) love making... Monica: Oh my. Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming ‘cause, ‘cause her eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like he’s been processed by the devil, or something.) Chandler: (entering with Rachel) I’m telling ya, Joanna’s got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, ‘This was fun. Let’s do it again sometime. I’ll give you a call.’ Rachel: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you’re going to call her? Chandler: That’s what you say at the end of a date. Rachel: You can’t just say, ‘Nice to meet you, good night?’ Chandler: To her face? Look it’s the end of the date, I’m standing there, I know all she’s waiting for is for me to say ‘I’ll call her’ and it’s just y'know, comes out. I can’t help it, it’s a compulsion. Monica: Come on Rach, when a guy says he’s going to call, it doesn’t mean he’s going to call. Hasn’t it ever happened to you? Rachel: Well, they always called. Monica: Hmm, bite me. [Scene: Rachel’s office.] Joanna: (entering) Did he call? Rachel: No. Sorry. Joanna: Why?! Why?! He said he’d call. Why hasn’t he called? Sophie: Maybe he’s intimated by really smart, strong, successful women. Joanna: Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasn’t he called, Rachel? Why? Rachel: Okay, okay. Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because you are my boss. Joanna: Awkward? Why should he feel awkward? Rachel: Well... Joanna: The only person that should feel awkward is you, and you didn’t tell him not to call me, did you? Rachel: No. I... Joanna: Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for, there are always ways to fix...that. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading a magazine as Rachel approaches.] Rachel: (grabbing the magazine out of his hands) Call her! Call her now! Chandler: Multiple, so many paper cuts. Rachel: Why hasn’t he called Rachel? Why? Why? I don’t understand. Why? He said he’ll call. Why? Why? Chandler I’m telling you she has flipped out, she’s gone crazy! Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, well give me the phone then. Rachel: Come on, this isn’t funny. She thinks it’s my fault that you haven’t called her. You have to call her! Chandler: Look, you can’t call somebody after this long just to say, ‘In case you didn’t notice, I don’t like you!’ Rachel: Well then you’re going to have to take her out again. Chandler: Nooo!! She’s really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye! Rachel: I don’t care! I don’t care! You are going to have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it’s actually ended. And, I don’t care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again! Chandler: All right! Fine! But it’s just a lunch date, no more than an hour! And from now on I get my own dates, I don’t want you setting me up with anybody ever again! Rachel: That’s fine! Chandler: That’s just a lot of big talk, y'know. Rachel: I know. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.] Ross: Mon? Monica: (from the bathroom) I’m in the shower! [He closes the door and walks over to get something from the fridge. He starts to smell something and turns around to see Phoebe’s dollhouse smoking. He runs over and takes off the roof to reveal that the dollhouse fre.] Ross: Oh, fre! There, there’s a fre! fre!! [He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesn’t work. He runs over to the sink to get a glass of water to put out the fre, but since Monica is in the shower the water pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on the fre, it doesn’t work. He then picks up the dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica scream at the top of her lungs.] [Scene: The Theatre, Kate is arriving for rehearsal.] Joey: Hey. Kate: Hi. Joey: So I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. Did you ah, did you talk to Marshall? Kate: About what? Joey: Y'know, about what happened with us. Kate: Nooo. And there’s really no reason he should find out, so ah let’s not make a big deal about it, okay? Joey: What are you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on you can’t tell me last night didn’t mean something to you. I-I was there, you’re not that good an actress. Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That’s all it was. Joey, I’m-I’m sorry you feel bad, but haven’t you ever sleep with a women where it meant more to her than it did to you? Joey: Nooo. Lauren: (entering) Hi, Kate! Kate: Hi, Lauren. Joey: Hi, Lauren. Lauren: Hi, pig! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are inspecting the damage to the dollhouse.] Ross: Sorry I ah, I scared you in there. Monica: Oh, that’s okay. By the way, I was just checking the shower massager. Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Monica: (runs over to her) I tried to reach you at work. There’s....been a fre. Phoebe: What?! Oh my... (sees the remains of the house) Oh my God!! What happened?! Ross: Well, we believe it originated here. (He uses a pointer and points to the point of origin.) In the Aroma Room. Phoebe: All right. Did everyone get out okay? Monica: Well, the giraffe’s okay. And so is the pirate. Phoebe: Ohh. What is this? (She sees a tissue covering something, and moves to remove it.) Ross: No Phoebe, don’t look! You don’t want to see what’s under there!! Phoebe: (She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue.) Ohh, the-the Foster puppets! (She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once was the Foster puppets, and starts to break down. Monica goes over and comforts her.) [Scene: Rachel’s office, Chandler and Joanna are returning from their lunch date. He is telling her about her mascara problem. Rachel is already there.] Chandler: It’s not a big deal. It’s, just it’s right here, (points to his eye) and it’s all the time. Joanna: Well, thanks again for lunch. Chandler: (He looks over at Rachel, who nods her head) Yes, this, this was pleasant. (Rachel is slowing trying to leave and let them talk.) Joanna: It was, wasn’t it? Chandler: The food there was, was great. Joanna: Wasn’t it? Chandler: So take care. Joanna: You too. Chandler: Well, this was great. I’ll give you a call. We should do it again sometime. (Rachel is disappointed) Joanna: Great! I’m looking forward to it. Rachel, any messages? Rachel: Sophie’s desk. (Chandler starts to leave ashamed of himself, but Rachel stops him in the hallway.) Rachel: (whispering) Chandler!! Are you gonna call her! Chandler: Noo! Rachel: Chandler!! Chandler: Look, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m weak, and pathetic, and sorry. Rachel: Okay, you are going to tell her and you’re going to tell her now. (She grabs his nipple and starts to twist it.) Chandler: Ahhhh—I’m not going to call you. Joanna: What? Chandler: I’m sorry. I’m-I’m-I’m sorry that I said I was going to when I’m not. Look, this has nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isn’t Rachel’s fault. It’s me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, (pause) mascara goop. And I’m really sorry, it’s just that this is not, this isn’t going to work out. Joanna: Well, this isn’t how I was hoping how this would end, but I guess I have to appreciate your honesty. Chandler: Yeah, o-okay. Joanna: So... Chandler: Well this is great! I’ll give you a call! We should do it again sometime! (Rachel is shocked, and holds her arms out in disbelief.) Closing Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is talking on the phone.] Joey: (on phone) Well, so anyway Beth, what I’m saying is I should’ve considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I’ve ah, I’ve recently learned what’s it like to be on your side of it, and I’m sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? (listens) Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. (He sits down and crosses out something, and dials the phone again.) Hello, Jennifer? (listens) Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? (listens) Oh, she’s not home huh? (listens) Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x20 - The One With The Dollhouse"}	foreverdreaming
Originally written by Chris Brown Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are helping Monica learn how to roller skate by rolling her between themselves.] Rachel: So who’s idea was it to put everybody in the diner on skates? Monica: Oh, some idiot customer put a suggestion in the suggestion box. Phoebe: Oh my God, they took my idea! Monica: That was you?! Phoebe: Yeah! Okay, here you go. (rolls her back to Rachel) gn: (bringing Rachel a mug) Rachel, I made you a cocoa. [He distracts her from catching Monica and Monica slams into her, knocking her down. Monica then falls on top of her.] Phoebe: Oh my God, are you guys okay? gn: Are you all right? Joey: (leaving Central Perk and seeing Monica laying on top of Rachel who is moaning in pain.) Oh my. (They both turn and give him a dirty look.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Quincy M.E. as Chandler is walking into the living room from his bedroom.] Chandler: (sporting a goatee) Hey. Joey: Hey. Y'know with that goatee you kinda look like Satan. Chandler: Oh, so that’s why the priest threw holy water on me. (there’s no reaction from Joey) Okay, listen, you have to cheer up! Okay? You should come out with Ross and me, I mean anything is better than sitting around here crying all day about Kate. Joey: Hey I was crying because, because nobody believed Quincy’s theory. Okay? Ross: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey. Ross: (triumphantly) I’m gonna be on TV!! Chandler: No way! Ross: Yeah! They’re putting together this panel to talk about these fossils they just found in Peru and The Discovery Channel’s gonna film it! Chandler: Oh my God! Who’s gonna watch that?! Ross: Thanks. You ready to go? Chandler: Yeah. (they start to leave) Joey: Saw a girl with that vest. Chandler: Thanks. (He takes off the vest and throws it on the floor.) Anchorwoman: (on TV) While most of us think of chocolate bunnies and baskets as traditional Easter gifts. Some people insist on giving live chicks as presents. (Joey is intrigued by the idea) Unfortunately, the sad fact remains that most of these little guys won’t live to see the fourth of July. (Joey starts to call a place to buy a little baby chick) Because of as a result of improper care, they will be dad. Joey: (on phone) Yeah, hi. You guys got any of those baby chicks? ‘Cause I was watching this ah, commercial on TV and man, those guys are cute! [Scene: The Moondance Diner: Pete is entering, Monica is on roller skates.] Pete: Hi! Monica: Hi! Hey, Pete you’re back! Hey, check this out. (She starts to skate over to him) Pete: Wow! Skates! (She gets just about all the way over to him and falls into his arms.) Monica: Wow! You’re a lot sturdier that Chandler. He crumpled like a piece of paper. So how was you’re trip? Pete: Well... (he holds up a gift he brought her) Monica: Oh, what’d ya bring me?! (She opens the gift) Awww, hotel toiletries from Japan. Oh, these are gonna go in my permanent collection. You want some coffee? Pete: Yeah, sure, that’d be great. (She starts to go and get the coffee and falls behind the counter.) Monica: (popping back up) Regular or decaf? Pete: Ah, which ever is closest. Monica: Okay. (hands him a cup) Pete: So ask me what I did today. Monica: So what did you do today Pete? Pete: I bought a restaurant and I would like you to be the head chef. Monica: What?! Oh.(She turns around quickly and falls) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is telling Rachel about Pete’s offer.] Monica: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant? Rachel: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass? Monica: I mean this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica’s Bakery. I mean I would kll for this job. I mean I can totally do this job, and God knows I paid my dues. (She removes her fake breasts) But Pete’s just doing this because he has a crush on me. Rachel: And you’re still not attracted to him at all? Monica: Hmm, no. I mean how can I accept a restaurant from him? I-I-I-I can’t. I couldn’t even accept a necklace from Stu Vincent in the seventh grade. Rachel: Yeah, but Mon that’s totally different. He was you’re health teacher. Monica: Oh, please. (She slaps Rachel’s side and Rachel screams in pain.) Monica: What? Honey. Rachel: Oh, I am, my side still hurts from when you crashed into me yesterday. Monica: Oh God, I’m so sorry. Rachel: I know. (Monica hugs her goes and hugs her) Rachel: Ow!! Monica: Oh God! Ross: (entering, wearing a white suit with a little red bow tie) Hey, you guys! Guess what? Rachel: (looking at the outfit) Got a job on a river boat? Ross: Y'know what I didn’t wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You’re not my girlfriend anymore so... Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point. Ross: Right. Rachel: Now that you’re on you’re own, you’re free to look as stupid as you like. Ross: (to Monica) You like it right? Monica: Oh absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders. (Ross starts to leave) Ross! Ross! I’m kidding! Rachel: Yeah, come here! Monica: What-what was it you were gonna tell us? Rachel: Yeah. Oh! Was how you invented the cotton gin?! Ross: Okay, good bye! (leaves) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about her suggestion.] Chandler: So um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen. Phoebe: Umm, oh, about three months. Chandler: Okay, so I guess that’s about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in. Joey: (entering carrying a box) Hey!! Chandler: Hey! Joey: I got you something! Open it! Open it! Chandler: Okay. (He opens it and it’s a baby chick) It’s a chicken. Joey: It’s cute, huh? Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks? Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? Nooo. Phoebe: Okay, well they are a huge responsibility, especially at this age. They require constant care. They-they need just the right food, and lot’s and lot’s of love. Joey: Oh, well no problem there. (He picks up the chick, hugs it really tight, and talks to it like it’s a little baby.) Chandler: Easy Lenny. [Scene: The Moondance Diner, Pete is talking to Monica about the restaurant.] Pete: So? I mean have you thought about it? Monica: Okay. Here’s the thing. Pete: Oh no, not the thing. I hate the thing. What’s the thing? Monica: I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I wish I could, but umm, see you have these feelings for me.... Pete: Wait, wait, wait, wait, that’s-that’s what you’re worried about? If that’s the problem, we’ve got no problem. Monica: Huh? Pete: No! Look, I was gonna tell you this over dinner, but I met somebody else. On my trip. Monica: Oh? Pete: Her name’s Ann, she’s a journalist. Ahh, we met on the plane. She asked me if she could finish off my peanuts, I thought she said something else, we had a big laugh. Yeah, I just, I mean I got, I got tired of waiting. Monica: Oh, that’s great! I mean I’m-I’m sorry, but I’m so happy for you. And now I can work for you! Pete: I guess you can. Monica: Oh my God! Oh, this is incredible! Ohh! (she rolls over and kisses him on the cheek) All right, y'know what? I’m just gonna roll right into that office and-and quit! Pete: All right. Monica: Okay. (she gets ready to go) Can you give me a little push? Pete: Yeah, sure. Good luck! Monica: (rolling towards the office) I’m quitting!! Woo-hoo! (She rolls through a doorway and out of sight. We then hear a big crash, and see Monica roll past the door the other way.) I’m okay!! I’m all right!! Phoebe: (to Pete) Wow! That’s exciting, you went to Japan, made up a woman. Pete: What? Phoebe: I’m just saying, this woman, I mean she’s fictitious. No? Pete: Why would you say that? Phoebe: ‘Cause you’re still into Monica. So you told her there was somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so ‘cause you figure oh if you spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and... Pete: You’re good. You’re good! Phoebe: Yeah, no, I’m fairly intuitive and psychic. It’s a substantial gift. Pete: Listen, can you promise me that you won’t tell her though? Phoebe: Absolutely, oh I promise. Tell her what? Pete: Thanks a lot. Phoebe: No I’m serious. I mean I’m intuitive, but my memory sucks. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is baby-chick sitting.] Chandler: Okay, but this is the last time. (singing) With a chick-chick here, and a chick-chick there. Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick-(Joey enters)-chickeeeen. Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Joey: How’s she doing? Chandler: She? Joey: Well yeah, don’t-don’t you think it’s a she? Chandler: I don’t know. (He picks the chick up and turns it over, trying to determine the sex of the chick, and blows on it.) I can’t tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly. Joey: Well, anyway, I got to go change, I’m ah, meeting some of the cast for drinks. Chandler: Excuse me? Joey: What? Chandler: I stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here with our chick! Joey: Hey! Who was up from 2 o’clock this morning until 5 o’clock this morning trying to get her back to sleep? Chandler: You don’t think I get up when you get up? Joey: Ohhh, here it comes. Chandler: Yes, here it comes! I’m stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? Well I don’t think so mister! Joey: Hey!! I need to relax! Okay? I was working all day! Chandler: And you don’t think taking care of our chick is work? Joey: That’s not what I said. Okay, I just meant... Chandler: I know what you meant!! (pause) You notice that ever since we got this chick, we’ve been fighting a lot more than we used too? Joey: I don’t know, maybe we weren’t ready to have a chick. Chandler: I’ll take her back tomorrow. Joey: Do you think we’ll get our three bucks back? Ross: (entering carrying a garment bag) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: (sees the chick) Ohhh, hey! All right, listen, I-I have that TV thing in like two hours, and I need your help, okay? What do you think? (takes out two suits) This blue suit, or this brown one? Joey: Well, the brown one brings out your eyes, but your butt looks great in the blue one. Ross: Really? (Joey gives him a ‘Like I would know’ look) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to take some aspirin.] Rachel: (she reaches for the bottle) Oww! (She grabs the bottle, but has trouble opening it. She pops the top off and aspirins fly all over the place as Ross enters.) Ross: Wow! That aspirin dance really works! Rachel: (She bends over to try and pick up the aspirin) Oww! Ross: Oh my God, is that still... Rachel: I’m fine, I’m fine. Ross: No you’re not. Rachel: Yes I am! Ross: Rach! Rachel: Look, I’m fine. Watch. (She picks up an aspirin between her toes) Look at that. (She lifts her leg to grab the aspirin with her hand and almost falls over.) Whoa-whoa! Ross: (stopping her from falling) Okay, okay. Look, you have got to go to a doctor! Okay? Rachel: No. I have got to get ready and go to a dinner at my bosses house. It’s a very big deal, there’s a lot of people there I have to meet. Ross: And I’m sure you’re gonna make a big impression. Hi! I’m Rachel Green. It’s nice to meet you. (He lifts his leg and imitates shaking hands with it, just like how Rachel was trying to pick up the aspirin with her feet.) Come on, you probably have a broken rib! Rachel: Well, I will go to the hospital tomorrow, it’ll still be broken then. Ross: Rach... Rachel: But y'know, I could use a hand getting ready. Ross: Rachel... Rachel: Look, either help me or go. Ross: Fine. I’ll go. Rachel: (with a hurt expression on her face) Okay, but before you go, could you help me first? Ross: (He checks his watch) Sure. I’ll help you. Chandler: (rushing in) Oh, good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?! COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, Rachel is trying to put on eye liner with her left hand, as Ross is setting out her shoes.] Rachel: (She drops the brush) Y'know what? I cannot do this with my left hand! Would you please, help me with this too? Ross: Ohh. (He drops the shoes, takes the brush from her, and licks the tip. He doesn’t like how it tastes.) Rachel: (taking the brush back) Okay. Let’s use this brush. (Hands him another one.) Ross: Okay. This stuff? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: All right. Rachel: Careful. Light. Okay, do you know how, just sweep it across the lid. Okay? Just sweep it. Ross: Oke-dokey. (He pokes her in the eye with the brush.) Rachel: Oh-ho! Ross: Sorry. Rachel: Hey! That’s just poking me in the eye! Ross: Sorry, I’m sorry. Close, close, close... Rachel: Okay, just sweep it. Ross: I’m sweeping... Rachel: Right. Ross: Sweep, sweep....(He starts to paint it on her eye, making it look like she has a black eye.) Rachel: Okay, now make it even, ‘cause we don’t... Ross: What? What? Rachel: We don’t want it-it to be too much, we want it to be subtle. (Of course it’s too late for that.) Ross: No. No, y'know you don’t, you don’t wear enough of this. (Rachel is shocked) What? Rachel: Since when, since when do you think I don’t wear enough of this? Ross: Well I, close your eyes, I just think you’re gonna like this a little better, ‘cause, close-close... (He gets some more on the brush) Rachel: Blow it. Ross: (blows it) Sorry. ‘Cause umm, I think this will make you a little more sophisticated. Rachel: Sophisticated like a hooker? [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is entering, Phoebe is already there.] Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey, guess what I’m doing tonight. Phoebe: What? Monica: I’m checking out the restaurant with Pete. Phoebe: Ohh, Monica, I am so excited for you. Monica: I know. Phoebe: Ooh, I have to tell you something. Monica: What? Phoebe: But I can’t tell you. Monica: Okay, but wouldn’t it be easier if you had to tell me something that you could tell me. Phoebe: Well, sure in a perfect world. But, no, I promised I wouldn’t tell, and I swore to like all my gods. Monica: Okay. Does it have to do with Ross and Rachel? Phoebe: No. Monica: Does it have to do with Joey? Phoebe: No. Monica: Does it have to do with-with Chandler and that sock that he keeps by his bed? Phoebe: No, but let’s come back to that later! [Scene: Rachel’s Bedroom, Ross is finishing up her make-up.] Ross: There you go! Good enough for your party, huh? (She turns and looks in the mirror, and it’s way, way over done. She looks like she has two black eyes.) Rachel: Sure. Ross: Yep? Rachel: Sure, I’ll just sit next to the trans-sexual from purchasing. Ross: Okay, come on! All right, I gotta go! So good luck at the party. Okay? Rachel: Oh wait, Ross, would you just stay and help me get dressed? Ross: (checks his watch) Sure, okay. Rachel: Okay. Okay, great! Umm, okay, just turn around. Ross: What? Rachel: I don’t want you to see me naked! Ross: Rachel, I’ve seen you naked a million times. I ate hot fudge off you naked. Remember, I-I sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your belly button? Rachel: Yeah, but that was different. Y’know? I mean, we were, we were going out then, now I think it’s weird. Ross: Rach, y'know I can see you naked any time I want. Rachel: What? Ross: All I have to do is close my eyes. See? (closes his eyes) Woo-hoo!! Rachel: Ross! Stop that! Ross: Ah, I’m sorry. Rachel: Come on! I don’t want you thinking of me like that any more! Ross: Ahh, sorry, nothing you can do about it. It’s one of my ah, rights as the ex-boyfriend. (closes his eyes again) Oop, oh yeah! Rachel: Stop it! Cut it out! Cut it out! Ross: Okay, okay, I’m sorry, it will never happen... (closes eyes) Uh-oh! Wait a minute! Wait-wait, now there are a hundred of you and I’m the king. Rachel: Rosss... Ross: Come on, would you grow up? It’s no big deal. Rachel: All right. (She starts to take off her robe) Fine. Ross: Yowzah!!! Rachel: O-kay!! See what you did, I’m gonna be doing it by myself now. Okay? Ross: Aww, come on. Rachel: That’s it. (She crawls onto the bed) Ow!!! Ross: Oh my God! Rachel: Oh-ow! Ross: All right. Rachel: Ow! Ross: Look... Rachel: Ow! Ross: Okay. Rachel: Ow! Ross: Rach? Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ross: Easy. Easy. You have to go to the hospital. Okay? Rachel: Okay, I do. Ross: Okay. Rachel: I really do. Ross: Okay, I’m gonna get your coat and then I’ll-I’ll put you in a cab. Rachel: Okay. Oh wait, wait-wait, you’re not gonna come with me? Ross: (He thinks about it) Of course I am. I just have to make a call. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay? (goes into the living room) Rachel: Thank you. (She goes to take off her make-up and screams in pain) Oww!!!! God! Ross: (rushing back in) What?! I wh-, what’s wrong? Rachel: I’m sorry, I just can’t go to the hospital lookin’ like this. [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is trying to find out what Phoebe won’t tell her.] Monica: Does it involve travel? Phoebe: Noo! Monica: Does it involve clogs? Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait. Clogs, or claws? Monica: Clogs. Phoebe: No. Monica: Claws?! Phoebe: No. Monica: Okay, so it doesn’t involve Ross or Rachel or Chandler or Joey. But, what about Pete? Phoebe: (Shaking her head yes) No! Monica: What is it?! What about Pete? Phoebe: I don’t know! (frantically points at Monica) Monica: Okay, I feel like I’m talking to Lassie. All right, Phoebe would you just tell me! Phoebe: I can’t!! Monica: Okay, I gotta go. (gets up) Phoebe: I, but you’re so close! No! Monica: Okay, does it involve something to do with Pete’s computer company? Phoebe: Oh, just go. You’re never gonna get it! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching Baywatch with the baby chick. He’s on one leather chair, the chick is on the other. It’s watching Yasmine Bleeth run and is chirping.] Chandler: I know. See, yes. That’s Yasmine Bleeth, she’s a completely different kind of chick. I love you both. But in very different ways. Joey: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: (sees he’s watching Baywatch) Ohhh. (sees he still has the chick) Ahh! What are you doing?! I thought you were gonna take her back to the store today. Chandler: I did! But the store wouldn’t take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out? (Joey wants to know, but Chandler doesn’t want to discuss it by the chick, so he and Joey move over to the windows and away from the chick.) Chandler: If they can’t find a home for her, they k*ll her! And I’m not gonna let that happen to little Yasmine! Joey: Okay, good, good, good, ‘cause, good, ‘cause I was kinda having second thoughts too. Chandler: Okay. And it’s not just chicks y'know? It’s all kinds of other animals! Joey: That’s horrible! Well, you did the right thing man. Chandler: Thanks, I’m glad you see it that way. (He hear a duck start quacking, and see it waddle into the living room from the bathroom. Joey wants to know what’s with the duck.) Chandler: Ohhh-hoo, funny story! [Scene: Pete’s Restaurant’s Kitchen, Pete is showing Monica around the kitchen.] Monica: I don’t believe this! Wow, look at this refridgerator! It’s gigantic! I mean I could live in this thing! I’d be cold, but I’m always cold. Oh my God, look at these spider burners! I love spider burners. Pete: So you like it? Monica: Oh, it is sooo perfect. Thank you so much. (runs over and hugs him) Pete: Oh, you’re welcome. (He takes a deep breath) Monica: Did you just smell my hair? Pete: Nooo. Uh-huh, no way. What? No. Monica: Oh God. Pete: What? Monica: You still have feelings for me don’t you? Pete: Now, nooo! I’m just excited about the restaurant, that’s all. Monica: Pete. Pete: Okay, I love you. Is that so bad? Monica: No, it’s not bad. It’s not bad at all. It’s-it’s really nice. Pete: Look, the only who stands to get hurt is me. And I’m okay with that. Monica: You may be okay about getting hurt, but I am not okay with being the one who hurts you. That’s why I can’t take this job. Pete: What? Monica: And well, we probably shouldn’t see each other anymore. I’m sorry. Pete: Okay, yeah. I mean... If that’s, if that’s really what you want, okay. Monica: Okay, bye. (She kisses him on the cheek, and he kisses her back on the mouth.) Pete: I’m sorry things didn’t work out... Monica: All right shut up for a second and let me just see something. (She kisses him back on the lips) Oh, wow! (They then hug and kiss, very passionately.) [Scene: The Hallway Between The Apartments, Ross and Rachel are coming back from the hospital. Ross is helping her up the stairs.] Rachel: Okay, you’d tell me the truth. Right? Ross: Rach, you can’t look fat in an x-ray. Rachel: Okay. (As they approach the door, Chandler comes out carrying his duck.) Chandler: Okay! Now you stay out here, and you think about what you did!! Ross: (to Chandler) That’s a duck. Chandler: That’s a bad duck!!! (to Ross) How’d the thing go tonight, Ross? Ross: Oh, it was, nah, well.... Rachel: What thing? What thing? Ross: Nothing, ah there was this thing at the museum. Come on. (they go into her apartment) Easy. Chandler: (to the duck) Okay, now when you come back I hope you remember that, that chick is not a toy! (He goes back into the apartment) [cut to inside Monica and Rachel’s] Rachel: What thing? What is this thing? Ross: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight for The Discovery Channel. Rachel: Oh my God! Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Ross, why didn’t you tell me that? Ross: Eh, ‘cause I knew that if I told you, you’d make me go, and I knew you needed someone to be with you tonight. Come on. Come on. Rachel: I cannot believe you. Ross: What? Rachel: That is the sweetest thing, I just.... (They both look at each other for a while) Ross: (breaking the silence) You should get some sleep. Rachel: Okay. Ross: So, I’ll umm... Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry I spoiled you’re evening. Ross: No, that’s, no, as long as you’re okay. So I’ll ah, I’ll see you tomorrow. Rachel: Um-hmm, yeah. (He leaves) Rachel: (After he closes the door) See ya. (In the hallway, Ross all dejected, sits down on the step.) Chandler: (coming out of his apartment and seeing Ross) What did you do? CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey’s Bathroom: Chandler is watching the duck swim in the bathtub.] Joey: What ‘cha doing? Chandler: Having a swim. Joey: What about the chick? Chandler: Chicks don’t swim. Joey: Are you sure? Chandler: I don’t know. Should we try it? Joey: Sure. (Chandler picks up the chick and drops it in the water.) Chandler: See, I told you they don’t swim. (He goes to take it out) Joey: (stopping him) Wait. Give him a minute. Chandler: Noo! (takes him out) Oh, it’s okay, it’s okay, baby, baby, baby. (Joey picks up and turns on a hair dryer.) END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x21 - The One With A Chick And A Duck"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.] Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my Dad back like two hours ago. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance, he’s at Flimby’s. Rachel: What’s Flimby’s? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that’s the word I use when I can’t remember the real thing. Rachel: Okay. Hang up! That’s it! Come on! Phoebe: No! Rachel, that’s what they want me to do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I don’t get through, they’re not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! It’s us versus them! Chandler: Ye-e-es!! Joey: (entering) Hey. All: Hey. Joey: Uh, listen I gotta double check for tickets tonight. Who-who got what? Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: I had one. Monica: I need two. I’m bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now! Joey: Two it is. Ross, how about you? Ross: Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two. Monica: Really? Who’s number two? Chandler: Who’s number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play. Ross: Uh, no, it’s-it’s just this person. Phoebe: Like a date type (looks at Rachel) person? Ross: Yeah, kinda. It’s this woman from work. I hope that won’t be too weird. Will it, Rach? Rachel: No. No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone myself, so… Joey: But you said one. Rachel: I meant, me plus one! Joey: Okay. (to Phoebe and Chandler) Did ah, you guys mean you plus one? Ross: All right, I’ll see you tonight. Joey: Okay. Rachel: Okay, bye-bye! Chandler: Bye! Monica: Bye-bye! (Ross exits) Rachel: Okay, I need a date! (runs to her bedroom) Joey: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate! All: Oh! Joey: (to Chandler) And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it. Monica: Joey, what are you doing?! It’s never gonna happen, she’s seeing somebody. Chandler: Yeah, and I don’t have any cologne. Joey: The green bottle next to the shaving cream. Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck. (In horror, Joey wipes his neck and smells it.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is getting ready to go to Joey’s premiere and Phoebe is still on hold.] Monica: (to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear this. (hands her a sweater) Phoebe: Thanks! Monica: Uh-huh. Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Ooh, I’m setting the phone down. (does so) But I’m still here! Just don’t go anywhere I’m still here. (starts to put on the sweater) Don’t-don’t switch or anything, ‘cause I’m, I’m right here. (She has pulled the sweater over her head, but her head is stuck in a sleeve.) Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She is now frantically trying to get the sweater on, as Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One second! Just… Monica: Phoebe? Phoebe: What?! Monica, I’m scared!! Monica: All right. Honey, that’s-that’s a sleeve. Okay? Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: And! We also have speaker phone. (She turns on the speaker phone.) Hold Voice: Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us. Monica: Okay, wait, you gotta hang up ‘cause we’re gonna be late. (Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but…) Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller. Phoebe: Yes!! Yes!! I’m the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up. Chandler: (entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre? Monica: Of course not. Phoebe: No. Chandler: Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else. [Scene: Joey’s Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who's played by Ben Stiller who will be in There's Something About Mary and Meet The Parents, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.] Ross: Hey, hey Rach! Rachel: Oh, hi! Ross: Hi! Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the dates and pats him on the shoulder.) Ross: Good. Rachel: Hey. Ross: So it’s looks like we’re the first ones here. Rachel: Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!! Ross: Yay!! (An awkward silence follows.) Rachel: Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy. Tommy: Hey. Ross: Hey. Oh, I’m sorry, this is Cailin. (They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing they’re arms to shake each other’s hand, and Ross says…) Ross: And! Break!! (Awkward laughter follows.) Rachel: Okay, uhh, I think I’m going to run to the ladies room. Tommy: Okay. Cailin: I’ll join you. Tommy: I’ll get our seats. Ross: Okay. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is awkward. Tommy: Yeah? Ross: Well y'know ‘cause Rachel and I used to go out. Tommy: Oh, I didn’t, I didn’t know that. Ross: Oh! Well then this is awkward. So what do you uh… Tommy: I think we’re here. Ross: Oh! Yeah. Tommy: Yeah. Ross: Okay. (sees two people sitting in their seats.) Uh, huh. Excuse me, I’m sorry, I-I think you may be in our seats. Man: Umm, no, I don’t think so. Tommy: Can-can we take a look at your ticket? Man: Sure. (Hands him the ticket.) Ross: (looking at ticket) Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh… Man: Oh, well I thought that ah… Tommy: Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn’t really work out too well for you did it you idiot!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says D-13! Okay?! Look you’re surrounded by even numbers!! Did that give you some clue?! Man: Uh, the usher told us to come… Tommy: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! (They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back his ticket.) (to Ross, calmly) Hey man, you want the aisle? Ross: No, I’m good. (He sits down, stunned.) [Scene: The Theatre, at the post premiere party. The gng is already there, except Phoebe. Joey runs in.] Chandler: (seeing Joey) There he is! Monica: There’s our star! Joey: So, so, what’d ya think? Chandler: Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw. Joey: I-I wasn’t in that. Chandler: I know. Joey: (sees Kate) Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I want you to meet everybody. Everybody, this is Kate. Monica: Hi! The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.) Chandler: So that’s the girl you like. Joey: Yeah. Ross: (drags Chandler over to buffet table) I’m telling you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy! Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I think he’s baaad news! Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don’t like the guy Rachel’s dating? Well, that’s odd. [cut to Joey, Rachel, and Tommy.] Joey: Oh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this is Kate’s understudy, Lauren. Rachel: Oh, hi! Lauren: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Gosh, you look soo familiar. Lauren: Oh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building. It was right after I slept with Joey. He dumped me the next day. [cut to Monica, Pete, and Cailin] Cailin: So. How’d you guys meet? Pete: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine. Monica: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version. [cut to Joey as Estelle, Joey’s agent, approaches] Estelle: Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous! Joey: Hey you guys, this is my agent, Estelle. Estelle: How do you do. (to Rachel and Monica) Ooh, you two girls were outstanding! (to Joey) Did they have representation? Joey: No, they-they weren’t in the play. Rachel: We’re not actors. Estelle: Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face (points to Monica) and her chest (points to Rachel) I could really put something together. Chandler: Could I borrow it? [cut to later] Cailin: (to Ross) Hi! Remember me? Ross: Hi! Yeah! Tommy’s in line for the bathroom and someone just cut in front of him, I think he’s gonna snap. (He’s watching very intently) Cailin: Ross, I’m gonna go. Ross: Go? Why? Cailin: I don’t know. Could be because I don’t feel like standing around all night waiting for some guy who may or may not scream. Ross: But-but Cailin, he definitely will scream. Cailin: Good bye Ross. Ross: Uh, oh-ho bye. The Director: (entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (starts reading the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la… Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production. Joey: Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha! The Director: Kate Miller’s awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is… (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, you’ve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mother’s crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!! (Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gng all look at him.) Joey: Anyone mind if I save this? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is still on hold.] Monica: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Oh, is the play over? Monica: Yeah. Where were you? Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller. Monica: You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy. Phoebe: Nah. I kept myself busy. (Both Rachel and Monica walk into their bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living room with confused looks on their faces.) Phoebe: Oh, okay, yeah. (to Monica) I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room. (They both look at each other, nod their heads ‘All right’ and follow their stuff into their new rooms.) [Scene: The Theatre, after the party. Joey is trying to comfort Kate.] Joey: Hey! Are you okay? Kate: Fabulous. Joey: Listen, drama critics they’re nothing but, but people who couldn’t make it as actors. You know what you should do? Kate: Become a drama critic! The Director: (entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to Joey and Kate) A plague on both your houses! (walks away) Kate: By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review. Joey: Oh, classy. Kate: Yep! I sure know how to pick ‘em, huh? Y'know I gave up a part on a soap for this! Joey: Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too. Kate: Really. What? Joey: Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We’ll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post. Kate: Why the Post? Joey: Oh, you didn’t see the Post? Kate: No. You? Joey: No. Why? [Scene: Kate’s Apartment, Joey and Kate are returning from a night out on the town.] Kate: (drunk) So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me? Joey: Oh, absolutely! You’re talented and you’re good looking. Kate: Oh, you’re sweet and cute. Joey: I know! That’s why they trashed me! (They kiss.) Joey: Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kate: What? Joey: I, I don’t get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again. Kate: What? So you never went out with an actress before? Joey: Kate, do you even like me? Kate: Of course I do. Joey: Well so, how come you blew me off? Y'know? How come you were with him? Kate: I don’t know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy… Why can’t I just pick someone like you? Joey: Thanks. Kate: You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you’re just so, you’re so, so… (She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.) Joey: (Checks to see if she’s drooling on his shirt.) Okay. Okay, okay, hey. (Lays her down and covers her with a blanket.) There we go, let’s get your feet up there. (Looks at her) Good night, Kate. Sweet dreams. (Picks up a garbage can) I’m gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is STILL on hold.] Hold Voice: Please stay on the line. You’re call is very important to us. Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Pheebs, you’ve been up for 24 hours! Go to sleep, honey. Th-this isn’t healthy. Phoebe: No, no, I’m fine, and y’know why? ‘Cause of all the riboflavin. Joey: (entering, happily) Hey! Monica: Hey! Didn’t you have that outfit on last night? Joey: Yeah! I stayed at Kate’s, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya? Phoebe: I’m so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see you’re play. I swear you’re play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. You’re play is the next play is the next play I’m gonna see. Monica: Anyway, how did it go with Kate? Joey: Oh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected, y'know? Then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. Yeah? And we stayed up all night talking, and now we’re like totally crazy about each other! Monica: Joey, you had the night! Joey: What? Monica: When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person! Joey: You-you think? Monica: Did you like learn about her family? Joey: Two brothers, one died! Monica: Yes!! Joey: Yeah?! Monica: Oh! (They hug, triumphantly.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the chair.] gn: (bringing Chandler a cup) This is from the woman at the bar. Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho. (He turns and looks at her. The woman whispers something to gn; who comes back and takes the mug away from Chandler.) gn: Sorry. She thought you were somebody else. Rachel: What time is it? Monica: One. Ross: One. Chandler: 7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch doesn’t work. Rachel: Tommy’s supposed to be here soon, we’re going to lunch. Ross: Look. Look, I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but... All right, I don’t think you should be seeing Tommy anymore. Rachel: You don’t?! Ross: No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from him. Rachel: Umm, or, maybe, I should stay away from all men. Ross: No, it’s not just ‘cause I’m jealous. (Both Monica and Chandler give him a ‘Come on’ look) I mean I’m not, I’m not, I’m not jealous, okay? It’s… Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats. Chandler: Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y'know, and he just started like, (claps his hands) banging his hands together! Ross: Okay, fine, fine. You don’t want to believe me? No, that’s fine. (starts to leave) Monica: We’re kidding! Chandler: Ross, don’t. Ross! Monica; Ross! [cut to outside of Central Perk] Ross: You don’t want to believe me, I’m Mr. Funny to you. Mr. Funny… (turns around and almost spills his coffee on Tommy) Tommy: Whoa!! Ross: Whoa, sorry Tommy. Tommy: What’s in the cup, Ross? Ross: Umm… Tommy: What is in the cup?! Ross: Okay, it’s coffee. Tommy: Ice coffee? Tell me it’s ice coffee! Ross: It’s-it’s hot… Tommy: Hot coffee!!! You idiot!! You were gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?!! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo, huh?! Huh?! [cut to inside Central Perk, we see Ross quietly tapping on the window, desperately trying to get the gng’s attention, while Tommy is still screaming at him] Rachel: (not seeing Ross) What’s your favourite thing about summertime? Monica: Umm, going to the beach. When it stays light real late. Rachel: Yeah… Tommy: (entering, finished with yelling at Ross, who follows him in shell shocked) (happily) Hey! Rachel: Tommyyyy! Say, what’s your favourite thing about summer? Tommy: Ooh, I don’t know. Probably the smell of freshly cut grass. Chandler: Ohh, that’s a good one. (Ross is having a fit, about how calm Tommy is now) [Scene: Backstage at Joey’s play, Joey is arriving, late.] Joey: Sorry! Sorry, I’m late; sorry, I’m late! My duck and my chick and a fight, it-it was ugly. Stage Manager: Look, we held the curtain for you buddy. Come on, let’s go! Let’s go! [cut to onstage with Lauren standing in for Kate, the doorbell rings.] Lauren: (answering the door) Vic! Where have you been, baby?! Joey: (surprised it’s Lauren) (hugs her) (whispering) Where’s Kate? Lauren: (whispering) She got a job in L.A. Joey: (stunned) What?! Lauren: I’ve been waiting up all night for ya. Where have you been? (Joey doesn’t answer) Where have you been? Vic?! Joey: Oh, ahh, go to the window. I’m wanna run down to the truck and show you something. Lauren: (at the window, she’s looking down out of the window) What do you got down there, Vic? What do you got under that tarp? Joey: (grabs the window from the outside and sticks his head in) (whispering) When is she leaving? Lauren: (whispering) Tonight. What are you doing? Joey: (making like he is yelling up to the second floor) I’m coming up! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are in the kitchen, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Phoebe is, you guessed it, still on hold.] Tommy: Hey, mind if I use the phone? Phoebe: Oh, I… (starts jabbering incoherently) Chandler: Why don’t you use ours across the hall, ‘cause she…has…problems. Ross: (coming out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee, almost running into Tommy) Oh-ho, whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you. Tommy: Yeah, but you didn’t. Ross: No, but it’s-it’s-it’s hot! (We see Tommy go into Joey and Chandler’s apartment) Rachel: Ross, would you just stop it! It’s getting really old. Ross: I can’t believe no one believes me! Phoebe: I do, I believe you. Ross: You do Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah. But I also believed her (points to the phone) when she said I was next. [cut to Chandler and Joey’s apartment, Tommy is using the phone] Tommy: (noticing the chick) Ooh, hey! Hey, there little fella. (picks up the chick) Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? (starts to pet him) Aww. (The chick poops on his hand.) Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! Oh look at me, I’m so cute, I’m a little chick who’s disgusting! God, you’re so stupid, how are you not yet extinct!! (the duck wattles behind him and quacks) (to the duck) Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!! (We see the gng staring at him through the doorways.) Chandler: Step away from the duck. Tommy: Ooh, sorry little Mr. Chic-A-Dee, sorry you went doody in my hand! (starts to walk out and stops) (to Rachel) Well, I guess we’re not going out anymore. Whaa!!! (He leaves the gng in stunned silence.) [Scene: Backstage at Joey’s play, Joey is changing for the next scene as Kate arrives, carrying her bags.] Kate: Joey! Joey: Hey! Kate: I’m soo glad I caught you, I couldn’t find you before. Joey: Wh-wh-what’s going on? Wh-what’s this about L.A.? Kate: They still want me for General Hospital. Joey: But, but wh-what about us? Kate: Last night was wonderful. But I-I can’t stay here just for you. Joey: Well, so, stay for the museums! Kate: I’m sorry. Stage Manager: Joey, onstage! Joey: Well can you at least stay to the end of the play? I mean, I’ll go to the airport with ya, I-I wanna say good bye. Lauren: (yelling from onstage) Where are you Vic? Kate: Flight’s in an hour. I-I gotta go. Lauren: Vic! Vic! Vic!!! Joey: (to Lauren) In a minute!! [cut to the end of the play] Lauren: So this is it? Victor? Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. (sees Kate is watching, he turns Lauren so that he can talk directly to Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick ‘cause this is klling me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, you’ve got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship, (smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. But I won’t have aged at all. (gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, I’m gonna want to meet her. (The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7, and Kate waves good bye.) Lauren: So long, Vic! (waving good bye as the ladder retracts) Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gng, except Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you y'know.] Monica: Phoebe, it’s been two days. Phoebe: Yeah, I know. Oh, good thing it’s one of those 801 numbers. Right? Ross: Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah. Phoebe: No, no, no, oh no-no-no, it’s has to be 800. (picks up the instruction manual to check the phone number) ‘Cause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every one. (Finds the number) Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one. Rachel: Phoe-be!! Phoebe: Sorry, I’m so sorry, I will pay you back. Chandler: And yet, she’s still not hanging up the phone. All: Hang it up! Hang up the phone!! Phoebe: Fine! Fine! (slams the phone down, breaking it) Oh-oh! Monica: What? Phoebe: Well, I think I broke it. But that’s all right, here’s the number you can call. Monica: (sarcastic) Oh. End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x22 - The One With The Screamer"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are playing with the duck and the chick.] Joey: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck. Chandler: Or... Dick. Ross: (entering) Hey. Chandler and Joey: Hey. Ross: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something. Chandler: Was it like a sneeze only better? Ross: No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body. Joey: (with a disgusted look) What was it? Ross: Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out. (starts to take off his pants) Chandler and Joey: Whoa!!! Chandler: No!! Ross: Come on you guys, it's no big deal! (He turns around and shows him his thing.) Chandler: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh. Ross: Well what is it? Is it a mole? (He moves closer to them, and they jump back.) Joey: No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole. Ross: Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple? Chandler: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a… Rachel: (entering, interrupting them) Hey guys! What's... (sees what they're doing and stops, the guys are stunned) Chandler: Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter. Ross: Ahhh. Joey: Yeah, right. (Rachel backs out with a confused look on her face.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her date.] Phoebe: (to her date) Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I play my music. (points to the stage) Vince: Good deal. Phoebe: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people. Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Hey! Vince: Hey! Phoebe: Vince is a fireman. Rachel: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before? Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the force. Chandler: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred. Vince: (dad serious) fre safety is not a joke, son. Chandler: You're right, I know. Vince: (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight. (kisses her) See you Saturday. (leaves) Phoebe: Okay. (watches him leave) Rachel: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher. Phoebe: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight. Rachel: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you. Phoebe: I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin', field-playin' juggler. Joey: So Pheebs, do they know about each other? Phoebe: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? (Joey makes an `I don't know' face, and looks to Chandler and Rachel, who're also stumped) Okay, no they don't. Ross: (entering) Hey guys! Joey: Hey. Rachel: Hi! (He goes over and sits down at the counter, all depressed.) Joey: (going over to him) Well?! Chandler: (joining them) Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's? Ross: Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about, it's totally benign. Joey: Well what is it?! Ross: He couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin... abnormality. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it. Chandler: Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples. Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name. Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross." Ross: (sarcastic) Yeah, that'd be cool! [cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns from the bathroom] Monica: Pete's breaking up with me. All: What?! Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk. Rachel: And? Monica: Well that's it. People never say `We need to talk' unless it's something bad. Joey: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you. Monica: Really?! Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you. [Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking with her second date, Jason.] Jason: ...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life. Phoebe: That is so great! Oh, I... (sees that a parked car near them has caught on fre) Oh my God! Jason: Whoa! Phoebe: (the fre has worsened) Oh my God!!! Jason: Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fre department! Phoebe: (stopping him) No! No! Jason: No, no? Phoebe: Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we'd, we'd like a good mechanic. (hears the sound of approaching sirens) Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out of here! Jason: W-w-w-wait! Why?! Phoebe: Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay? (she drags him away) [Scene: A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.] Ross: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off! Dr. Rhodes: Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. (Ross starts to take off his pants) What are you doing? Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple. Dr. Rhodes: Well that's not a third nipple. Ross: No? Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass. Ross: Well then, what is it?! Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment? Dr. Johnson: I'm with Hamilton! Dr. Rhodes: He's good with rear things, bring him in too. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there.] Monica: (starting to get up) I gotta go water Pete's plants. (stops) Y'know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants. Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean. Joey: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them. Phoebe: (entering with Rachel) …and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy. Rachel: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them? Phoebe: (disgusted) Uh. Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field? Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field. Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them. Monica: Yeah. Which one do you like more? Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's so burly, he's sooo very burly. (giggles) Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince. Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive. Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him. Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy. Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy! Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler. [Scene: Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a look at Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted look on his face.] Ross: Y'know I have dinner plans!! Dr. Rhodes: Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've-I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm stumped. (He removes the blanket covering the thing.) All: Whoa. (they all lean in to get a closer look, Ross isn't pleased) [Scene: Pete's apartment, Monica is there to water the plants, and is showing the gng around.] Monica: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! (the lights turn on automatically, but are very bright) Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights! Lights go away! (they dim) Oh, see you just need to find the right command. Ross: Yes, and the dimmer switch. Joey: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV. Monica: No-no-no, that's a video-phone. But hey guys you're not supposed to be here, so please, do not touch anything. Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable. Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) This place is amazing. Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen. Monica: I know. Phoebe: No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day. Joey: Look at this! A millionaire's checkbook. Monica: Joey, put that down! (the phone rings) Oh my God! It's Pete. Okay, get out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! (steps in front of it, and automatically answers it) Pete: Monica? (the gng ducks and hides) Monica: I guess that's how. Pete: Hey Monica, how's it going. Monica: Oh it’s umm, good! It's umm, it’s good, just here watering the plants. Pete: Well don't forget that fiches over there by Rachel. Rachel: (standing up) Ahh... Chandler's on the couch!! Pete: I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever. All: (standing up) Hey Pete. Joey: Hi, how ya doing? Monica: Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so I know, is it good news or bad news. Pete: Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news. Hold on a second, I have another call. (clicks his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how's it going? Monica: Oh no-no-no, it's still me. Pete: Ah, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here. (to other caller) Yeah. (listens) Yeah, okay. I'm gonna have to call you back later. (pause) Monica? You. I'm gonna have to call you back. Monica: Oh, oh, okay umm, so I'll see you soon. Pete: Okay, I love you. Monica: I love you. All: I love you, love you. Monica: Okay. Well, it's good news. It's good news. Chandler: So, what do you thing the good news is? Joey: (looking at the checkbook) Wow! Look at this! He wrote a check for 50,000 dollars to Hugo Ligrens Ring Design. (Monica is stunned) Oh, sorry, what do you think the good news is? [pause] Monica: Oh my. Rachel: Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!!! Ross: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom! (Pete's computer automatically calls Mom, Pete's Mom.) Pete's Mom: Hello. Monica: And that's Pete's Mom. (The gng quickly hides again.) Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gng is returning from Pete’s.] Rachel: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, “Look how much money we’ve got!” Y'know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it’ll be dry, but people will like it. Monica: Would you stop? We’ve only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don’t even know if he’s gonna propose. Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He’s not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that’s like a third or fourth date kinda thing. Monica: Well if-if that’s what it is, then it’s-it’s crazy. Ross: Monica’s right. We’re talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she can’t just rush into this. Rachel: Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian! (Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey stops.) Phoebe: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince. Chandler: Oh, so you’re going with the teacher, huh? Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it’s just Jason’s so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it’s just better than having just like a really, really, really nice (pause) butt. (Her eyes glaze over thinking about the butt.) (pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck! All: Good luck! (pause) Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gng all look at her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what it’d be like to catch the money bouquet. [Scene: A fre House, Phoebe has gone to break up with Vince.] Phoebe: Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here? Fireman: Oh sure. Vince?! Vince: Yo!! (slides down that pole that fre station’s have) Phoebe: Wow! I didn’t know you guys actually used those. Vince: So, what’s up? Phoebe: Umm, wow. This-this isn’t gonna be easy. Umm, I don’t think we should see each other anymore. Vince: Uh-huh. G-good deal. Phoebe: I’m sorry. Vince: No-no it’s okay. It’s just that ah, I thought we had something pretty special here. And y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to, and… (starts choking up) That there’s so much in me I have to share with you yet. Phoebe: Oh my God, I didn’t… Vince: (starting to cry) I’m sorry, I can’t talk. I’m gonna go write in my journal. (walks away) Phoebe: (running after him) Wait-wait-wait! Wait!! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.] Phoebe: (to Ross) I’m telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy. Ross: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don’t want to make it savory. Monica: Y'know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they tell their friends about it. Ross: Gimme this. (Grabs the herbalist’s card and leaves.) Rachel: (entering) Hi! Okay, don’t be mad at me, but I couldn’t resist. Monica: Brides magazines? Rachel: Yes, and I know that you’d say no if he asked you, but I’m sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin. (shows her the picture.) Phoebe: (gasps) Oh, you so would! Oh, you should get that anyway. (They both look at her.) Like for clubbing. Monica: It is so weird, I know what I said, but uh, this morning, I was lying in bed I was, I was imagining what it would be like to say yes. (Rachel slams the magazine shut in amazement.) I know it’s a little sudden, and it’s a little rushed, and it’s totally not like me to do something like this, but that doesn’t mean I can’t. Right? I mean I’m-I’m crazy about Pete, and I know that we want the same things, and when I thought about saying yes, it made me really happy. Rachel: Oh my God. (starting to cry) Monica: I know. (pause) I need more pie. (goes and gets some) Phoebe: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests? Rachel: You didn’t break up with that fireman? Phoebe: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he’s incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me. Rachel: Wow! Phoebe: Yeah, well he’d prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal. Monica: So then, are you going to dump Jason? Phoebe: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and… Okay so Jason is sensitive, (holds up one finger) but now so’s Vince (holds up one finger on her other hand) Plus, Vince has the body y'know? (holds up two more fingers on the Vince side) So… It’s really just about the math. [Scene: Jason’s apartment, Phoebe has gone to break up with Jason.] Phoebe: (knocks on the door) Jason? Jason: Yeah, come on in. (She goes in, and sees Jason without his shirt. It turns out that he has a great body too, and is at a loss for words.) Jason: So Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything wrong? Phoebe: Nah-ha! [Scene: Phoebe’s Herbal Guy’s office, Ross is there about his thing. Ross is looking around the exam room, and he goes over to a large bank of drawers, pulls one out and almost spills it as the herbalist, Guru Saj, enters.] Guru Saj: You must be Ross. Ross: Hi. Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back and replaces) Ross: Listen, I got to tell you I’ve-I’ve never been to a guru before, so... Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I’ve attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let’s take a look at this skin abnormality of yours. (motions to the table) Come on, have a seat. (looks at it) Eeh, huh. As I suspected, it’s a koondis! Ross: What’s a koondis? Guru Saj: I don’t know, what’s a koondis with you? (starts laughing as if that joke was funny, Ross only looks at him, and he stops) Please, lie down! I’ve got a sav that oughta shrink that right up. Ross: I guess it’s worth a try. Guru Saj: Oh sure, we should see results—Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!! (quickly wipes it off) Ross: What?! What?! Guru Saj: We appear to have angered it. Ross: We?! We angered it?! Guru Saj: Oh, I think I see the problem. And I’m afraid we’re gonna have to use a much stronger tool. (Ross gives him a ‘What?’ look) Love. Ross: Oh God! Guru Saj: (He starts moving his hands around in circles above the thing.) Ross, there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to… Ross: Ow!! Guru Saj: Oops. Ross: What was, what was that? Guru Saj: Well it’s gone. Ross: What?! How’s that? Guru Saj: It got caught on my watch. Ross: Hey! (congratulates him) [Scene: Pete’s apartment, Pete and Monica are coming back from a date.] Pete: Lights. (The lights turn on, once again they’re too bright.) Uh, romantic lights. (The lights dim.) Monica: Ooh, nice. Pete: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about. Monica: Oh, right! I completely forgot about that. Pete: Well ah, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life… Monica: Yeah? Pete: And I feel like I’ve conquered the business world, and I feel like I’ve conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world. Monica: Wow. Pete: There’s one thing missing. Monica: What’s that? Pete: It’s time for me to conquer the physical world. Monica: Okay. (not sure of herself) Pete: Monica, I want to become (pause) the Ultimate Fighting Champion. Monica: You wanna what?! Pete: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It’s the most intense physical competition in the world, it’s banned in 49 states! Monica: What are you talking about? Pete: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and Brazilian street fighting, I’ve even had my own octagon training ring designed. Monica: And I suppose you used a ring designer for that. Pete: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think? Monica: My parents will be so happy. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe’s singing, Vince is also there.] Phoebe: (singing) “Crazy underwear, creepin’ up my butt. (Jason enters) Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy under-(sees Jason)-wear…” (In her head) Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You’ll get through this; you’ll be fine. (She tries to continue the song, but she has lost the ability to pronounce words, and the lyrics come out as gibberish.) (giving up on the song) Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show. (They all applaud her.) Jason: (going up to her) Hey. I was… Phoebe: Hey! Jason: I was passin’ by and I saw that you were playing tonight, it’s kinda cool seeing you up there. (kisses her) Vince: (running over) Whoa! Hey-hey! What’s going on here? Who is this guy? Phoebe: I don’t know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince! Vince: What?! Jason: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, okay, I’ve-I’ve been dating both of you, and it’s been really horrible. ‘Cause y'know it’s been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didn’t know how to chose, so... I’m sorry, I’m just, I’m terrible, I’m a terrible person. I’m terrible. Vince: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it’s okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive. Jason: Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break. Phoebe: Really?! Jason: Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven’t been going out that long. Come on, we haven’t even slept together yet. Huh. Vince: You haven’t? Jason: You have? Phoebe: Well, this is none of my business. (starts to walk away) Jason: (to Phoebe) I-I can’t believe this! You-you’ve slept with him?! Phoebe: Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park. Jason: Y'know Phoebe, I’m gonna make this real easy for you. (walks out) Phoebe: (to Vince) Well, that could’ve been really awkward. Vince: You made him a candle light dinner in the park? Phoebe: Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I’m gonna do that for you. Vince: Uh yeah, I can’t believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area. (walks out) Closing Credits [Scene: Guru Saj’s office: Joey and Chandler have taken the duck to see the guru.] Chandler: (comforting the duck) Everything’s gonna be all right. Okay, Dick? Guru Saj: (entering) Hello, I am Guru Saj-(sees the duck)-Whoa!! (to Joey) That’s supposed to be a duck right? ‘Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league. Joey: Yeah, yeah. He’s got a, he’s got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can’t do anything about it. Is there something you can do? Guru Saj: Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a bat? (The duck starts to frantically flap his wings, while Joey is holding him, in an attempt to get away.) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x23 - The One With Ross's Thing"}	foreverdreaming
Story by: Mark J. Kunerth & Pang-ni Landrum Teleplay by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gng minus Monica is there.] Chandler: Do you think that there’s a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as you’re driving into town there’s-there’s like a sign, and it says “You’re in Sample.” (He says it like urine sample.) Monica: (entering) Hey. All: Hey! Rachel: How’d it go with Pete?! Joey: Tell us! Monica: You’re not gonna believe this. Okay, so I go over... [Two guys walk over and interrupt her. They’re both names you’ve already heard. One’s Billy Crystal. Yes, that Billy Crystal from City Slickers. The other one is Robin Williams. Yes, that Robin Williams from Mrs. Doubtfire.] Billy Crystal: I’m sorry. Ex-excuse us. I’m sorry, it’s a little crowded. Do you mind if we... (motions to the couch) Robin Williams: Yeah, could you scooch? Billy: Yeah, move over just a little bit. (Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey all scooch over to let them sit down.) Robin: Keep on scooching. [cut to Monica telling the gng about what happened at Pete’s] Monica: So guys, listen, I go over there, and umm... (Robin interrupts her again by complaining loudly to Billy as the camera cuts to them.) Robin: Why? Why?! What’s wrong with me?! Billy: What’s the matter? Robin: I have a feelin’... I, my wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist. (The gng is now eaves dropping in on the conversation, and is shocked.) Billy: How do you know? Robin: Well y'know, he’s got access. Billy: Yeah. Robin: Y'know it’s that feeling you get, y'know? Billy: Like when you go bowling and you know you’re in somebody else’s shoes? Robin: That’s the one. [cut back to the gng.] Phoebe: All right, so, so you went to Pete’s... Ross: What happened? Monica: (Robin is speaking loudly again) I... [cut to Billy and Robin] Robin: Why is this happening to me?! I don’t know, maybe it’s my wound. [cut to the gng] Monica: Forget it. (they all turn and listen to Billy and Robin) Billy: So it’s-it’s not heeled yet? Robin: No-no, it’s ooozing, oozing. (to Rachel) Could you pass me the cream? Is there any—Oh, there’s the cream. Billy: Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and nobody else. Robin: What is it, Tim? Billy: It’s me, I’ve been sleeping with your wife. Joey: (to Billy) So you’re the gynaecologist? Billy: (to Joey) Hey, I’m trying to have a private conversation! Is that okay?! Robin: (starting to cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I have a napkin, please? Could you please hand me a napkin? (Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow for his tastes.) Would you--Give me this thing (grabs the napkin holder from her.) all right!! Enough! (to Billy) And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! (gets up to leave) Nada!! No more! You are a bastard for doing this!! (Billy follows him) Get away from me!! Billy: Thomas, come back here! (they both leave) [cut to the gng, they’re all stunned] Phoebe: So Monica, what were you gonna tell us? Monica: (pause) I have no idea. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Rachel: So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker? Phoebe: No-no-no oh, keep your name, don’t take his name. Monica: He didn’t ask me to marry him. All: Ohh. Phoebe: Well then definately don’t take his name. Monica: He wanted to tell me he’s gonna compete is some ultimate fighting competition thingy. The Guys: Pete?! Rachel: Why?! What is it? Monica: I don’t know exactly. It’s-it’s sorta like wrestling. Phoebe: (intrigued) Oh?! Monica: Yeah, but without the costumes. Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh. Joey: And it’s not fake, it’s totally brutal. Chandler: Yeah, it’s two guys in a ring, and the rules are: “They’re are no rules.” Monica: So you can like, bite, and pull people’s hair and stuff? Ross: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking. Monica: What’s fish hooking? Ross: Huh, what’s fish hooking... (Joey sticks his finger in Ross’s mouth and pulls on his cheek, y'know like when you hook a fish.) (to Joey, sarcastic) Thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. What is that taste? Joey: What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath. [Scene: Chandler’s office, he is just finishing a meeting with his boss.] Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. It’s good to have you guys on my team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, let’s go out there and get ‘em! Huh? And remember, there is no ‘I’ in team. Chandler: Yes, but there’s two in martini, soo everybody back to my office. Doug: (to Chandler) You! Chuckles! What’s your name? Chandler: Oh it’s Bing, sir. I’m sorry , I was just ah... Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to leave) This team is about hard work, but it’s also about having fun. Good to have you aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is making reservations.] Ross: (on phone) That’s right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder for six. (listens) Thank you. (hangs up) (to the gng) Yeah, we have the reservations. Rachel: Yes!! Chandler: All right buddy, way to go! (smacks him on the butt) Ross: (stunned) Dude, what are you doing? Chandler: Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal. Phoebe: Yeesh, what’d you do about it? Chandler: Well, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom. Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it’s okay to be that guy. Joey: Yeah, maybe it’s like y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns. (pats Ross on the butt) (Ross throws his hands out in a “What are you doing?” gesture) Rachel: Y'know I don’t, I don’t understand guys, I mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin’ her boob. Chandler: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head in between ‘em. Monica: Okay, can we please go eat? Joey: Yeah. What are we getting? Monica: (to Chandler) Anything but stew. Ross: All right so, Chandler, from now on, don’t give your boss a chance to get you. Y'know just ah, don’t turn your back to him. Joey: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. (thinking aloud) Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad? Chandler: (to Ross and Monica) What if Joey were president? (Monica, Ross, Chandler, and Joey exit.) Phoebe: Umm, hey Rach, can I ask you something? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if I set Ross up on a date? Rachel: Oh, ah with who? Phoebe: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute, and now that you two aren’t together, she asked if I could set it up, but if you’re not cool with it... Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again? Phoebe: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She’s yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald... Rachel: Oh! (laughs) That’s fine. Phoebe: Great! Okay, good for you! (as they leave she slaps Rachel on the butt) [Scene: A Gym, Pete is training for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, with his trainer, Hoshi.] Hoshi: You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half? Pete: I told you, we’re adding new operators all the time. Could we concentrate on my training? Hoshi: It’s just hard when I know I have e-mail I can’t get! Monica: (entering) Hi! Pete: Monica! (runs over and kisses her) Hi honey. Hoshi: All right, on the table. (Pete gets on the table for his rubdown) Monica: Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I don’t want you to get hurt, ‘cause I kinda like you. Pete: Oh, believe me, I don’t want to get hurt either. I’m being smart about this. See these guys? They’re the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at him in Chinese) A house painter! He used to be a house painter. Monica: Promise me you’ll be careful. Pete: I promise. Monica: Hey, are we still on for tonight? Pete: Yeah. Monica: Okay, good, ‘cause umm, well maybe we could have a little workout of our own... Hoshi: No! No boom-boom before big fight! Monica: How ‘bout just a boom? [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with Bonnie, as Rachel enters.] Rachel: (to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies? Phoebe: Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. (who has hair by the way) Bonnie: Hi! Rachel: This is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is Bonnie? (to Bonnie) You’re Bonnie? Bonnie: I can show you an ID if you want? Rachel: Oh no, I’m sorry, you look a lot different from the last time I-I saw you. Bonnie: Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras again. Rachel: Oh, that must be it. Phoebe: (to Bonnie) Well I hope you have fun tonight. Bonnie: Thanks! You too. (Phoebe starts to leave, Rachel slowly follows, shocked about how good Bonnie looks now.) [cut to outside of Central Perk] Rachel: (to Phoebe) You said she was bald. Phoebe: Yeah, she was bald, she’s not now. Rachel: How could you not tell me that she has hair? Phoebe: I don’t know, I hardly ever say that about people. Rachel: (looks in the window) Ohh, well, this is just perfect! Phoebe: Well I’m sorry, I thought you said it was okay. Rachel: Yeah, I said what was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick. I mean, y'know, that girl has hair got all over head! Phoebe: Well, maybe it won’t work out. Maybe Ross won’t like her personality. Rachel: Why, does she have a bad personality? Phoebe: Oh no, Bonnie’s the best! [Scene: Chandler’s office, Chandler is bent over getting some water as his boss approaches.] Doug: Bing! (Chandler stands bolt upright and turns around to face him.) Read your Computech proposal, a real homerun. (He goes to slap his butt, but Chandler slides over making him miss.) Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come on. (Chandler goes over) Wham! (slaps him on the butt) Good one. That was a good one. (to a couple of Chandler’s co-workers) Keep at it team. (goes into his office) Chandler: (to his co-workers) What is with him? Phil: With him? You’re is favourite, you’re his guy! Stevens: We never get smacked. Chandler: Well, that’s not true, he-he smacked you once. Phil: Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me. Stevens: I’m telling you, I need some smacks. I got a kid starting Dartmouth in the fall. Doug: (coming out of his office) Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth sucks. Did you go to Dartmouth Bing? Chandler: No sir. Doug: There you go. (smacks him on the butt) [Scene: The Ultimate Fighting Championship, Ross and Monica are there watching Pete.] Ross: (walking up with this huge tub-o-popcorn and drink) Hey! Monica: God Ross, what is that? Ross: Yeah, it’s the Ultimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I saved thirty cents, plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!! Announcer: From New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut! He’s known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!! [Pete enters with his entourage all pumped up, and Ross and Monica are the only ones who stand up and cheer.] Monica: I love you, Pete!!! Announcer: And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! He’s a 300 pound street fighter, tnk Abbottttttt!!!! (The crowd goes wild, and Ross is the only one boo-ing him.) Monica: (going up to the ring) Pete! Pete!! That guy’s pretty huge! Pete: Don’t worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponent’s strength and weight against him. Ross: Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble. (Pete and Monica kiss, and Monica mouths “I love you.” to him.) Ross: All right! You go get him! Let’s go! Referee: Here we go gentlemen, here we go! (to tnk Abbott) Are you ready? (He nods, and takes out his teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete nods, “Yes.”) Let’s get it on!! (They both rush each other. tnk picks Pete up and carries him over and slams him into the fence surrounding the ring.) Pete: Uh-oh. (tnk carries Pete over to the other side of the ring, and we see both Ross and Monica wince in pain.) Commercial Break [Scene: The Arena, after the fight. Monica is walking up to a defeated Pete.] Monica: Hey! (she sits down next to him) It’s me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell you how proud I am of you. Pete: It would be nice after hearing 20,000 people chant “You suck!” Monica: I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, but you-you did it. And now you can just look back at this thing with no regrets. Pete: What, look back? Monica: Well, you’re not gonna get going are you? Pete: Well let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion? Monica: Well, no. But... Pete: Well I’m not gonna stop until I’m the Ultimate Fighting Champion. Monica: That guy stood on your neck until you passed out! Pete: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dad’s garage, there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck. Monica: You didn’t know that already? Pete: Look, I’m gonna get better. Okay? I promise you. Monica: Okay, just get a lot better. (pause) Fast. Pete: Oh, one other thing. Hoshi thinks that you being ringside may have affected my concentration. Monica: Yeah. That-that was the problem. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross and Phoebe are grilling some burgers and hot dogs.] Monica: (joining them) Hey. Ross: Hey! How long until Pete’s fight? Monica: Oh, about five minutes. Right now they’re interviewing his opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves. Ross: Hot dog? Monica: Four, please. (Ross looks at her) I’m really nervous. (Ross gives her the four dogs) Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and heads back inside) Phoebe: So Ross, how umm, how did it go with Bonnie? Ross: What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasn’t expecting to like her at all, I mean I actually wasn’t expecting to like anyone right now, but she’s really terrific. Phoebe: Ohh, that’s too bad! Ross: No, I-I’m saying I liked her. Phoebe: Yeah, y'know what, there are other fish in the sea. Ross: Pheebs, I think she’s great. Okay? We’re going out again. Phoebe: Okay, I hear you! Are you capable of talking about any thing else? Chandler: (joining them) Hey! Which one’s my turkey burger? Ross: Ahh, the one next to my foot. Sorry. Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Hey, the fight’s starting! Ross: Okay, we’ll be right in. (to Chandler) So ah, did your boss try to slap you again today? Chandler: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, it’s gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I’m conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free. Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Fight’s over! (Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe all stop dad in their tracks at the news.) [Scene: Chandler’s office, Chandler is confronting his boss about the butt smacking thing. His boss is writing on a white board.] Chandler: Excuse me, Doug? (no reaction) Hey there sports fan!! Doug: (turning around) Bing! You got those numbers for me? Chandler: No, I ah, I didn’t do them. Doug: Oh, you forgot? Chandler: No, no I just ah, didn’t do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don’t deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise. Doug: Well, I got tnk myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tapanzi Bridge never looked smaller. (laughs) That’s okay, you’re still my number one guy! (slaps him on the butt) Bing! Chandler: Doug!! Doug: Hmm. Chandler: I’m a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself. Doug: Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass! Chandler: No, no. It-it’s not about the swearing, it’s more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock. Doug: Oh? Chandler: Oh, and don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It’s just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it’s making all the other guys jealous. Doug: Well, say no more. Y'know it takes guts to bring this up. Bing! You’re okay. Chandler: Okay. (he starts to leave) Doug: Ha! (goes to smack him on the butt, but stops, faking Chandler out) Ahhhhhhh! Chandler: Ahhhhh! (walks out, imitating shting himself in the head) [Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are talking and walking.] Phoebe: Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower drain? Rachel: (seeing Ross and Bonnie inside Central Perk) Oh my God! Phoebe look, it’s Ross and that girl. (We see Ross and Bonnie laughing and having a good time.) Phoebe: No! No! Look at that! (drags her away from the window) It’s a line of ants! They’re working as a team! Rachel: Phoebe! (goes back to the window) Phoebe: (looking in the window) Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let’s go. Rachel: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Okay that’s, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, that’s what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh... Phoebe: Oh no! That really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive. Rachel: Ohh! (walking away from the window) Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her, he’s gonna marry her, and this is all your fault. Phoebe: You said it was okay! Rachel: You said she was bald!! Phoebe: What?! What-what-what-what-what?!! Rachel: Phoebe, we can’t, we just can’t just let it happen! Okay, we have to do something! We have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald girl!! Phoebe: Okay, first of all, breathe. Second of all, I don’t get it. Aren’t you the one that decided that you didn’t want to be with Ross? Rachel: (quietly) Yes. Phoebe: Well isn’t he your friend? Don’t you want him to be happy? Rachel: Yes. Phoebe: So? Rachel: I just y'know, I didn’t expect him to be this happy so soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! (sits down on the curb) Phoebe: (sits down next to her and hugs her) Oh no. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Oh, we klled them all. Rachel: Oh! (They both jump up and wipe off their butts.) [Scene: A locker room, Pete is in a full upper-body cast. Monica enters, sees him, and gasps. Pete tries to turn around, and winces in pain.] Pete: It’s okay, it’s not as bad as it looks, it’s a precaution. Ah, I’m not supposed to move my spine. Monica: Please tell me you’re stopping now. Pete: I’m fine! I’d fight tonight, if they’d let me. (stands up and starts swinging his arms) See this circle I’m marking off here? This is my zone of terror. Monica: You are insane! You-you gotta give this up! Pete: I can’t until I’m the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I’m telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, I’m not saying I could bat Superman, but y'know, kids are stupid. Monica: Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!! Pete: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adam’s Apple, but that really hurt. Monica: Well then, y'know what? I care about you to much to watch you hurt yourself like this. So if you have to do this, then you’re gonna have to do it without me. Pete: Well if you’re asking me to quit, then you’re asking me to be someone I’m not. I’ve got to do this. Monica: Then I’ve gotta go. Bye. (kisses him and starts to walk out) Pete: Mon-Monica? Monica: Yes? Pete: Could you leave a note? ‘Cause I’m on a lot of pain Kllers now, and I don’t know if I’ll remember this tomorrow. (She leaves.) [Scene: Chandler’s office, he is just finishing up a meeting with his boss and the rest of his team.] Doug: So, in conclusion, the lines all go up (points to the chart), so I’m happy. Great job team! Tomorrow at 8:30. (They start to leave) Phil! Nice job. (smacks him on the butt) Stevens! Way to go! (smacks him on the butt) Joel-burg, you maniac! I love ya! (smacks him on the butt) (Chandler walks up) Bing! Good job, couldn’t have done it without ya. (he shakes his hand) Chandler: Thank you, sir. Stevens: (coming back in) Oh, excuse me. I forgot my briefcase y'know, by accident. Doug: Of course, you did. Forgot something else too ya bastard! (smacks him on the butt) (to Chandler) Well, what about you? You’re not feeling left out or anything are ya? Chandler: No. No, not at all, that’s-that’s ridiculous. Doug: Everybody else got one, and you want one too. Don’t you? Chandler: Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do! Doug: Now get on out of here, you! (smacks him on the butt) Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the g*ng is watching Pete fight on TV. Monica is hiding in the kitchen, not watching.] TV Announcer: Pete Becker is circling the ring now. It looks like, he’s just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is just... Chandler: Run! Run you crazy, rich freak! Rachel: Oh, I can’t watch this. (turns her eyes away) Joey: Check it out, he’s winning! (to Monica) Pete’s winning! Monica: Really?! Joey: No-o-o!! TV Announcer: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favourite area. All: Oh! Oh! (they all recoil in horror) Phoebe: Wait, if that’s his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it? Ross: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn’t want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete can’t. All: Ohh!! (they all start pointing at the screen) End	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x24 - The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champion"}	foreverdreaming
Story by: Pan-ni Landrum & Mark J. Kunerth Teleplay by: Adam Chase Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe is there. Bonnie is telling them of her sex-capades.] Chandler: (to Bonnie) So ah, your first sexual experience was with a woman?! Bonnie: All right, I was 15, it was my best friend, Ruth, and we got drunk on that hard cider, and then suddenly, I don’t know, we were, we were making out. Chandler: Tell it again. (pause, we see Rachel is not amused.) Seriously. [cut to Rachel and Monica at the counter.] Rachel: (to Monica) I mean is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex? Joey: Yeah, sure. Well y'know, earlier she was talking about geography. Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she’s done it in. Joey: Well, I think we all learned something. Phoebe: (entering, hurridly) Hey, you guys! Look what I found! Look at this! (She hands Chandler a picture) That’s my Mom’s writing! Look. Chandler: (reading the back of the picture) Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation 1965. Phoebe: Y'know what that means? Joey: That you’re actually 50? Phoebe: No-no, that’s not, that’s not me Phoebe, that’s her pal Phoebe. According to her high school yearbook, they were like B.F.F. (Ross and Bonnie look at her quizzically) Best Friends Forever. All: Oh! Rachel: That is so cool. Phoebe: I know! So this woman probably could like have all kinds of stories about my parents, and she might even know like where my Dad is. So I looked her up, and she lives out by the beach. So maybe this weekend we could go to the beach? All: Yeah! Yeah, we can! Bonnie: (to Ross) sh*t! I can’t go, I have to work! Ross: That’s too bad. Rachel: (sarcastic) Ohh, big, fat bummerrr. Phoebe: So great! Okay! Tomorrow we’re gonna drive out to Montauk. Joey: Hey, Bonnie had sex there! (Rachel turns and gives him a look, and Joey quickly apologises.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are waiting for Phoebe to arrive with the cab.] Monica: (watching a happy couple walk by, arm in arm) Would you look at them. Am I ever gonna find a boyfriend again? I gonna die an old maid. Chandler: You’re not gonna die an old maid, maybe an old spinster cook. Monica: (sarcastic) Thanks! Chandler: Hey now besides, if worst comes to worst, I’ll be your boyfriend. (At that suggestion Monica starts laughing.) Monica: Yeah right. Chandler: Why is that so funny? Monica: You made a joke right? So I laughed. Chandler: Ha-ha-ha. A little to hard. What am I not ah, boyfriend material? Monica: Well, no. You’re Chandler. Y'know, Chandler! (hits him on the arm) Chandler: Okay, so we’ve established my name, and ht me. But theoretically y'know, I mean say we weren’t friends, say it’s a blind date. I show up at your door, and I’m like (in a fake voice) "Hey, nice to meet, ya. Hey, oh-hey." Monica: Well I’d probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice. Joey: (walking up carrying a brown paper bag) Hey! Monica: Oh, hey! Oh good, you brought food! Joey: No, it’s just my luggage. (Phoebe drives up.) Chandler, Monica, and Joey: Hey!! Joey: Woo-hoo! All right! Yeah! Phoebe: Oh, I am having the best karma this week. First, I find this woman who knew my parents, and then my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house. Ross: Yeah? What about ah, that bike messenger you ht? Phoebe: Oh, I wasn’t talking about his karma. Rachel: (approaching) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey-hey, check out the hat! (She is wearing this giant straw hat, the brim on it must be at least, least foot wide.) Chandler: What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I can’t have children!! Monica: Seriously, where did you get the hat? Rachel: Ross gave it to me. Ross: Yeah, I think she looks good. Rachel: Ohh, thank you. Chandler: Buy it for ya, or win it for ya? Rachel: Well excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends, I am here to tell you that hats are back. Phoebe: And this time, they’ve ganged up to form one giant, super hat. [Scene: At the Beach, it’s raining cats and dogs as the gng arrives. Chandler and Monica are taking shelter under Rachel’s hat.] Ross: Go, go, go! Rachel: Oh yeah, now everybody wants to be under this hat! (They get inside and notice on small problem.) Phoebe: Oy!! Monica: What’s with all this sand? (picking a handful of sand off of the floor, which is covered in sand) Phoebe: Oh, yeah, Bob said there might be flood damage. Ross: Yeah, either that, or he has a really big cat. [Scene: Phoebe Sr. house, she is a real estate agent and is trying to sell a house over the phone. By the way, it’s still raining outside.] Phoebe Sr: Well, yes, it’s kind’ve an unusual house. It has umm, three beautiful bedrooms and ah, no baths. But y'know, the ocean is right there. Phoebe: (at the door) Knock, knock, knock. Phoebe Sr: (on phone) Ah, oh, hang on a second. (to Phoebe) Come in, come in. (on phone) All right, so think about it, and call me back. (hangs up) Phoebe: (entering) Are you ah, Phoebe Abott? Phoebe Sr: Ahh, yes. Phoebe: Hi Phoebe Abott, I’m your best friends daughter! Phoebe Sr: You’re Erwin’s daughter?! Phoebe: No, I-I mean your-your old best friend, here. (hands her the picture) Lily, from high school. Remember? Phoebe Sr: Oh gosh, Lily, yes. Of course I remember Lily. I... Then you must be? Phoebe: (points to herself) Phoebe. (points to her) Phoebe. Phoebe, yeah. She named me after you I guess. Phoebe Sr: Uh-huh. Wow! Well, look! There’s Frank. (points to the picture.) Phoebe: Yes!! Yes! Yes! Yes!! That’s my Dad, that’s Frank! Yeah! I’m sorry I’m getting all flingy. Phoebe Sr: Take it easy--if you want, there’s cookies on the counter, or, or--sangria! (jumps up) I can make sangria! Phoebe: No-no, sorry. Cookies are good, thanks. Phoebe Sr: Oh. Phoebe: (goes and gets some cookies) Well, so, umm, anyway umm, I’ve been, I’ve been looking for my Father, and umm, have you heard from him, or seen him? Phoebe Sr: Oh no, I-I’m sorry, I guess we lost track of everybody after high school. Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh, okay. Well, so tell me everything about my parents. Everything. Phoebe Sr: Ohh, well. Y'know we were always together, in fact the had a nickname for the three of us. Phoebe: Oh, what? What was it? Phoebe Sr: The three losers. Oh, poor Lily. (Phoebe notices a picture on the fridge, takes it, and puts it in her pocket.) Ohh, y'know I-I heard about what happened, that must have been just terrible for you, losing your mother that way. Phoebe: (happily) Yeah, no, it was great. [Scene: The beach house, it’s still raining. Chandler is building a sand castle, Rachel is doing Monica’s nails, and they’re all drinking margaritas, obviously bored.] Joey: (getting an idea) Hey, y'know what a really good rainy day game is? Monica: What?! Joey: I mean naked game. Strip poker, we should totally play strip poker. All: No, no! Monica: What are you crazy?! Joey: Come on! When you go away, you-you have to play, it’s like a law! Rachel: (to Monica) Allll done! Monica: Aww, thank you. Rachel: Okay, who’s next?! (She looks around the room, and stops when she comes to Ross.) Ross: No-o-o! (Rachel gives him a "Please?" look.) No way! Rachel: Come on, please?! I’m boredddd! You let me do it once before. (Ross sht Joey a look, who sht Chandler a look, who gives Joey an "Oh my God." look back.) Ross: Yeah well, if ah, if that’s the rule this weekend... (She gets up) No! Rachel: Yes! (she starts creeping up on him) Ross: Get away! Rachel: Just once! Ross: Stay away! Rachel: Take it like a man, Ross! Ross: (he gets up and starts to run away from her) No! (in his escape attempt he crushes Chandler’s sand castle) No! Rachel: Oh, come on! Chandler: Big bullies!! (Ross dives over the couch, Rachel goes the other way, and lands up top of him.) Ross: Ow! Ow! Oh, no-no-no! (They get into a wrestling match, that ends with Ross making Rachel paint her forehead with the nail polish. They both end up lying next to each other, stop, and look at each other for a moment.) Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Oh, so, how are we doing? Chandler: Bored and bored! Joey: Hey, you know what naked card game is never boring? All: Noo!! Monica: (to Phoebe) So what’s Phoebe like? Phoebe: I’m kind, caring, and sweet. What’s Monica like? Monica: Ah no, the other Phoebe, the one you went to go see. Phoebe: Ohh, I think she knows where my Dad is. Joey: What? Rachel: Really?! Monica: Oh well, where is he?! Phoebe: She was acting, she was pretending like she hasn’t heard from him on years, but I found this picture on her fridge, and look (shows Monica)! Isn’t this what he would look like now? Monica: (gasps) Totally familiar. (Phoebe shows the rest of them.) Rachel: Oh, yeah. The Guys: Yeah! Monica: Well, why would she lie to you? Phoebe: I don’t know, but we’re having dinner tomorrow night, so I figured, she’s gonna tell me then. Y'know maybe she just wanted to give him time to, buy me presents, I don’t know! So, you’re all bored? All: Ohh!! Chandler: Yes! Phoebe: All right, I’m gonna close my eyes and point to someone, and you, whoever I point has to come up with something fun for us to do, and we have to do it. Joey: Okay, all right. Phoebe: Okay. Joey: Fan out! Fan out! (They do so, and Phoebe gets in the middle, closes her eyes, and starts spinning in a circle.) Phoebe: Okay. (Starts to spin) Ooh, y'know we could just do this. (She stops at Chandler) Chandler: Okay, umm, we all have to play strip poker. Joey: (jumping in triumph) OH YES!!!!! [cut to later] Monica: Strip Happy Days Game? Joey: Yeah, well, I couldn’t find any cards, so it was either this or Strip Bag Of Old Knitting Stuff. (Monica rolls, and Ross goes first.) Ross: Okay, (reading the card) Fonzy gives you two thumbs up, collect two cool points. Yeah. Phoebe: Monica, if you get five cool points, you get to make somebody take off one item of clothing. It hasn’t happened yet, but we’re all very excited. Ross: Okay, come on! (blows on the dice) Daddy needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes for the Prehistoric Forensics Department! (They all look at him, and he shuts up and rolls the dice.) (he moves his piece) Okay. (reading a card) Take Pinky Tuscadero up to Inspiration Point, collect three cool points!! Yeah! Which gives me five, and let’s see who is gonna lose their clothes. Ummmm, I think I pick our strip poker sponsor Mr. Joey Tribianni. The Girls: Woo-hooooo!!!! Joey: All right, relax. It’s just a shoe. All: Wooooo!!!! [cut to later in the game] Rachel: (reading a card) Okay, your band is playing at Arnold’s, collect three cool points. Which means, I have five, and that means I get Joey’s boxers! Joey: Fine. g*ng up on me! I got you all right where I want you. Phoebe: Come on, take ‘em off!! Joey: Actually, y'know it’s kinda cold, so how about I keep my boxers on, and give you all a peek at the good stuff? Rachel: (getting up) All right, I’m gonna make more margaritas! (She pours the rest of the pitcher into Ross’s glass.) Ross: Whoa, hey! What are doing? Trying to get me drunk? Rachel: I’m just making margaritas. Ross: Okay. Monica: I think I’ll help her out. (She gets up to go over and help Rachel, and reveals she has no pants.) (to Rachel) What is going on here? Rachel: What?! Monica: You painting his toenails? Rachel: Oh, come on! Monica: Chasing him all around the room? Rachel: Monica, please? Monica: He’s totally flirting with you too. Rachel: (pause) He is, isn’t he? I don’t know, I don’t know, I mean maybe it’s just being here at the beach together or, I don’t know. But it’s like something... (she’s interrupted by the sound of Bonnie entering) Bonnie: Hey! Ross: Hey! (Rachel is shocked) Hi Bonnie! Bonnie: Hi! My boss let me off early, so I took the train. Ross: Oh. Bonnie: What are you guys doing?! Joey: We’re playing Strip Happy Days Game! Bonnie: Cool! I’ll catch up! (She takes off her sweater.) COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen eating breakfast.] Chandler: So, you still don’t think I’m boyfriend material? Monica: Huh? Chandler: I saw you checking me out during the game last night. Monica: You didn’t even take off your pants. Chandler: Yeah, well, lucky for you. Monica: What? Chandler: I don’t know. Rachel: (entering) Well! Is everybody else having just the best time?! Phoebe: Shhh! Shhhh! Joey’s asleep. (Joey is sleeping on the floor and is buried in sand that has been carved into a mermaid complete with breasts.) Phoebe: After he passed out, we put the sand around him to keep him warm. Rachel: Well I assume the ah, happy couple isn’t up yet. Did you guys hear them last night? Chandler: Oh, yeah, I don’t know what they were doing, but at one point sea turtles actually came up to the house. (Ross and Bonnie enter) Ross: Good morning. All: Hey. Bonnie: Hey! How did everybody sleep? Rachel: Oh, great. Monica: Like a log. Ross and Bonnie: Us too. Rachel: I’m going for a walk. (Joey finally wakes up.) Ross: (to Joey) Good morning. Nice breasts by the way. (Joey looks down and his look turns from shock to satisfaction.) [Scene: The porch, Bonnie is coming back from swimming, Rachel is reading.] Bonnie: Hey, what happened to you? Rachel: Oh, ah nothin’. I just felt like hangin’ out here and reading. Bonnie: Oh, the water was sooo great! We jumped off this pier and my suit came off. Rachel: Ohhhh, sorry I missed that. Bonnie: Yeah, Joey and Chandler sure are funny. Rachel: Ohh-ha-ha! Bonnie: I think I brought back half of the beach in my hair. It was so much easier when I used to shave my head. Rachel: Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I just loved your look when you were bald. Bonnie: Really?! Rachel: Ohh! Bonnie: Because I think about shaving it all off again sometime. Rachel: Really?! Bonnie: Yeah! Rachel: I mean you definitely should do that. Bonnie: Y'know what, I should do it. Rachel: Yeah! Bonnie: Yeah, thank you Rachel, you are soo cool. Rachel: Awww, stop. Come on. Now go shave that head! Bonnie: All right. (As Bonnie goes to do just that, Rachel smiles to herself, proud of what she’s done.) [Scene: The beach house, at night. Phoebe is hangs up the phone, and gently pushes one of the stools over.] Joey: What’s the matter, Pheebs? Phoebe: She cancelled! My namesake cancelled on me! Joey: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, she clamed she had to go out of town suddenly. She’s avoiding me, she doesn’t want to tell me where my Father is. She knows, and she won’t tell me. Rachel: Aww Pheebs, that sucks! Phoebe: Yeah, well, don’t "Aww Pheebs, that sucks!" me yet. (she starts to leave) Chandler: Where ya going? Phoebe: Well, she’s out of town so, there’s gotta be something in her house that tells me where my Father is. Ross: Uh, Pheebs, some people call that breaking and entering. Phoebe: Well, are any of those people here?! All: Oh, no!! No, no! Phoebe: Okay, look I-I-I do something nice, okay? I’ll-I’ll fill her ice trays. (She exits just as Bonnie comes down the stairs, as bald as Michael Jordan.) Bonnie: Hey, everybody! All: Wow!! (they all recoil in shock and horror) Ross: Wh-haa-haa! Look what ‘cha did! (Rachel has her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.) Bonnie: You wanna touch it? Ross: Nooo, but it, but it’s great. Bonnie: Come on, touch it! Ross: Okay. (He gently touches it.) You can feel all the bones in your skull. [Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is coming out to talk to Rachel.] Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi! Ross: I was having a little chat with ah, Bonnie, and ah, guess what, she-she happened to bring up y'know, who was behind the um, whole head shaving idea, and now, who was it? Oh, that’s right, that’s right, it was you! Rachel: That was her idea, I just gave her a nudge. Ross: She said you gave her the razor! Bonnie: (joining them) Hey guys. Rachel: Hey! Bonnie: So, anyone up for a midnight dip in the ocean? Ross: Ahh, no, I’m good. Bonnie: Okay, I’ll see you in a bit. Ross: Okay, have fun! Wooo!! Rachel: Come on see, she doesn’t look that bad. Ross: You can see the moonlight bouncing off her head! What the hell were you thinking?!! Rachel: I don’t know. Ross: You don’t know?! Rach, you balded my girlfriend! Rachel: All right! Ross, do you think it’s easy for me to see you with somebody else? Ross: Y'know, hey! You’re the one who ended it, remember? Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you! Ross: You still love me? Rachel: Noo. Ross: You still love me. Rachel: Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love me! Ross: Noo, nnnnn. What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together? Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I don’t know. Ross, I still can’t forgive you for what you did, I can’t, I just, but sometimes when I’m with you I just, I feel so... Ross: What?! Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just... Ross: What? Rachel: I feel... (Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss, only to be interrupted by Joey and Chandler coming outside.) Chandler: (to Joey) Noo!! I don’t care! I’m not, I’m not gonna playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice! (Rachel and Ross both stop kissing, and quickly step back from each other.) Joey: But I made cards!! Rachel: Well! Good night. (to Ross) I’m going upstairs. Joey and Chandler: G’night. (Rachel walks inside, stops, and turns back to look at Ross for a moment then goes upstairs.) Joey: (to Ross) Wanna play strip poker for practice? [Scene: Phoebe Sr.’s house, Phoebe is breaking in through a window.] (She throws her bag inside, and starts to climb through the window. She gets halfway in and the window slams shut on her butt.) Phoebe: Ow! My ass. Okay. Okay. (She manages to climb completely inside and the window slams shut.) Oh, shhh! (She starts walking across the darkened room and hits her head on a wind chime hanging from the ceiling, to stop it from making a noise she grabs it and "Shhh’s" it. She goes into the kitchen and finds Phoebe Sr.’s appointment book, to read it she opens the freezer. Just as she starts to read, Phoebe Sr. jumps out from her bedroom with a coat hanger, startling Phoebe.) Phoebe: No! No!! It’s me! It’s me! I-I didn’t want to make any noise! Phoebe Sr: I saw you break in!! Phoebe: I’m sorry. Phoebe Sr: What are you doing here?! Phoebe: I-I, came to fill your ice cube trays. Phoebe Sr: What?! Phoebe: Umm, okay, okay, look. I took this picture from your fridge. Okay, because I know that this is my Father. Yeah, this is Frank Buffay and you are standing right there next to him. Now, look I deserve to know where I came from. All right? So if you can help me find my Father then you should! Otherwise, you’re just mean! (pause) So, just tell me the truth! Phoebe Sr: All right, the man in the picture is Chuck Magioni. Phoebe: My Father is Chuck Magioni? Phoebe Sr: No, no, that’s just Chuck Magioni, I-I sold him a house last year! And I’m very sorry, but I don’t know where your Father is, and that’s the truth. Phoebe: Oh. Phoebe Sr: But umm, you’re right. I think that a person should know where they come from. Wh-which is why I ah, (pause) ahh, (pause) okay. I’m your mother. Phoebe: Heh? Phoebe Sr: Y'know I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I just, I kinda felt all floopy, and... (At that Phoebe’s eyes open in shock.) [Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler what happened with Rachel.] Joey: I’m telling ya, you guys are totally getting back together! Ross: That’s not true! Her, she doesn’t even know what she wants! Rachel’s still mad about the whole thing. Chandler: Okay, then you gotta back away, all right? You don’t need that kind’ve hurt. Take it from a guy who’s never had a long term relationship...... Ross: I know, but ahhhhhh!! I really wanna go up there and finish that kiss! Bonnie: (coming back from her swim) Hey! Chandler: Ahhhh! (Steps away from her.) Bonnie: You guys, the water’s great. You should really go in. Chandler: Oh, ahh, no thanks, I just had an M&M. Bonnie: Okay, well g’night. Ross: Good night. Bonnie: (kisses Ross) Don’t be too long. Ross: Okey-dokey! Chandler: There is not one hair on that head. Ross: Hey, it’ll grow back, right? And she-she’s really fun, and she’s cool, and-and I’m finally moving on. Y'know? I mean getting over Rachel was so (makes an incoherent nasal sound), y'know? Y'know, and I’m finally feeling sane again. And now if I go up there, and-and I kiss her, and, Gooood I wanna kiss her, and-and-and it doesn’t work out, right? Do I really wanna put myself through that again? Joey: So let me get this straight. If you go with Bonnie tonight, you’re doing the smart, healthy thing and moving on. Ross: Yeah. Joey: Right, and you go with Rachel, Bonnie’s free tonight? [Scene: The hallway between the bedrooms. Ross is coming upstairs and stops between two doors. He looks at the one on the right, then he looks at the one on his left, thinks about it, and goes in the one on his right.] Ross: (entering the bedroom) Hi. (closes the door) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: The beach house, Chandler is simulating he’s coming to pick up Monica for a date. Chandler knocks on the door, and Monica answers it.] Chandler: (in a fake voice) Hi there. Monica: That’s that weird voice again. Chandler: Okay! Okay! Let me try it again, you’re gonna wanna date this next guy, I swear! (Monica closes the door, Chandler knocks, and Monica opens it to reveal Chandler on his knees.) Chandler: Hi! I’m Dorf! You’re date for the evening. (Monica walks away in disgust) Oh come on! Dorf on dating, that’s good stuff!! END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x25 - The One At The Beach"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode) Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and I don’t really know what happened with that. [cut to Phoebe Sr.’s house, from the last episode] Phoebe Sr.: (to Phoebe) I’m your mother. Phoebe: Ehh? [cut to Monica opening the door of the beach house, with Chandler trying to pick her up for a date.] Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn’t go out with a guy like Chandler... Chandler: (to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away in disgust) Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldn’t let it go, and... I don’t really know what happened with that either. [cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie, Ross, and Rachel from the last episode.] Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Ross’s new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I don’t know what happened there either... [cut back to Joey on the beach towel] Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler. (gets up and leaves.) [Scene: The beach house, it’s the same scene from the end of last year, with Ross in front of the two doors of Rachel’s and Bonnie’s rooms, trying to decide which door to choose. He finally chooses the one his right and goes in.] Ross: (surprised) Hi! Rachel and Bonnie: Hi! Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned. Ross: Awww. Bonnie: (to Rachel) Thanks a million. Rachel: Oh, you’re welcome a million. Bonnie: (getting up and leaving) (to Ross) Okay, I’ll see you in our room. Ross: Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and kisses Rachel.) Rachel: (softly) Oh my God. Ross: I know. (They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.) Ross: (stopping suddenly and getting up) Okay, I gotta go. Rachel: Whoa! What?! Why?! Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie. Rachel: Here?! Now?! Ross: Well, yeah. I can’t-I can’t stay here all night, and if I go in there she’s-she’s gonna wanna... do stuff. Rachel: Well, can’t you tell her that you are not in the mood? Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn’t work either, I can’t tell you how many mornings I woke up with her... Rachel: (interrupting) Whoa-ho. Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that? Rachel: I don’t know. (they kiss again) Ross: Yeah, yeah. (opens the door) It wasn’t every morning. Rachel: Oh, making it worse! Ross: Okay. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Phoebe Sr.’s house, it’s right after she told Phoebe that she’s her birth mother.] Phoebe Sr.: So I guess you’d like to know how it all happened. Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off! Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasn’t like that I... Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close. Phoebe: How close? Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple. Phoebe: I don’t even know how that would work! Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were... Phoebe: (interrupting) I’m not asking! Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it’s like to be eighteen years old? Phoebe: Yeah. Let’s see, my had Mom klled herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand. Phoebe Sr.: Well, I’m so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world, I didn’t even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by then you were already grown up. I don’t know, you’re here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you. Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! I’m a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn’t even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and I’m just, I’m gonna do the same thing to you. Phoebe Sr.: Wait! Phoebe: I don’t ever want to see you again! (She walks out and slams the door.) Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her eyes.) Umm, where’s my purse? [Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at the dinner table, Monica is looking in the fridge.] Monica: (closing the fridge in disgust) sht! We’re out of soda. Chandler: (jumping up) Oh, I’ll go out and get you some. Monica: Really?! Chandler: Nope! Because I’m not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, who’s entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go? Phoebe: Well, umm, my Mom’s friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom. (The gng is shocked.) Chandler: I found a dried up seashores. Monica: Sweety, what are you talking about? Phoebe: Oh, my new Mom, who-who’s a big, fat abandoner! (starts to go upstairs) Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Don’t you wanna stay here and talk about it? Phoebe: No. I’m just, I wanna, I need to be alone. (She starts to go upstairs.) Phoebe: (turning around, insistently) Monica! Monica: Oh. [Scene: The beach house, Rachel’s bedroom. She is finishing up writing something as Ross walks through the door.] Ross: It’s over. Rachel: Oh, was it awful? Ross: Well, it was loong. I didn’t even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 o’clock shadow on her head. (They both start to laugh, then stop themselves quickly.) Anyway, she didn’t want to stay. I called a cab; she just left. (They kiss.) Rachel: I wrote you a letter. Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to kiss her again, but she turns away.) Rachel: (handing him the letter) It’s just some things I’ve been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff. Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him from making contact.) Wow, it’s-it’s 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So, I’d better get cracking on this baby. Rachel: Well, I’ll be waiting for you, just come up when you’re done. Ross: Okay, I’ll be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting. [Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross is passed out on the kitchen counter. He wakes up with a start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his face.] Ross: Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a drink of coffee and resumes reading the letter) Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the letter back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why didn’t you come up? Ross: Done! Rachel: You just finished? Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice! Rachel: So umm, does it? Ross: I’m sorry. Rachel: Does it? Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole ‘Does it?’ part just another glance. Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesn’t, and if you have to even think about it... Ross: (interrupting) No, Rach, no. I don’t, I don’t, I don’t have to think about it, in fact, I’ve decided, I’ve decided that, that it.......does. (Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry. Then gasps and runs over and hugs him. While hugging her, Ross tries to find the ‘Does it?’ part in the letter.) Rachel: Are you sure? Ross: Oh, sure! I’m sure. Rachel: I know. (Hugs him more violently this time and pushes him back away from the letter.) [Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.] Chandler: All right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, I’m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me? Monica: Ennnh. Chandler: I’ve got canned goods. Joey: (jumping up in a hole that he is digging, he is shoulder deep) Hey, you guys! Take a look at this! (Chandler and Monica jump up and go over to the hole.) Check this baby out, dug me a hole! Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe. (A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills up his hole.) Joey: Oh no! No!! My hole!! Monica: (screaming in pain) Ow!! Ow!!! Joey: (climbing out of the hole) What?! What?!! What is it?! Monica: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!! Chandler: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?! Monica: It’s like two miles! Joey: Yeah, and I’m a little tired from digging the hole. Monica: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish! Chandler: We’ve got to do something! Joey: Well, there’s really only one thing you can do. Monica: What?! What is it?! Joey: You’re gonna have to pee on it. Monica: What?!! Gross!! Joey: Don’t blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel. Chandler: Y'know what, he’s right. There’s something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain. Monica: Well forget it! It doesn’t hurt that (tries to take a step) baaad!!!! Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my hole. [Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down the stairs all packed and ready to go.] Phoebe: Well, I’m ready to get the hell out of here! (Sees Ross and Rachel cuddling on the couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod ‘Yes.’) Ohh! That’s so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. (they nod ‘No.’) But for you, yay! Ohh. (The rest of the g*ng arrives with their heads down in shame.) Ross: Hey! Rachel: How was the beach? Monica: Nothing, I don’t know. Ross: What happened? Monica: Nothing. I’m gonna take a shower. Chandler: Me too!! Joey: Me too. Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna put this (her suitcase) in the car. Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do so.) It really does? Ross: It does. It really and truly does. (Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After she’s gone, Ross frantically tries to find and read the ‘Does it?’ part.) Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!! COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler about the letter.] Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! (Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say ”Well...”) (yelling) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!! Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I’m gonna break up with you! Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here, (reading from the letter) “If you accept full responsibility...” (to Chandler and Joey) Full responsibility! “...I can begin to trust you again. Does that seem like something you can do. (yells at Joey) Does it?!!” Joey: No? Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want, you’re back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you’re gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you. Ross: (calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no, you’re right. Yeah I guess I’ll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this. Joey: Sure, it’s hard to forget! But that doesn’t mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, (to Chandler) ever talk about. Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?! Joey: It’s between us and the sea, Ross! (Ross laughs and has a ‘Come on...’ look on his face as he looks and Chandler who nods his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.) [Scene: A hallway in an apartment building. Phoebe is knocks on a door and it opens.] Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula. Ursula: Hey! Phoebe: Okay, well umm, I know that we haven’t talked in a long time, but umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom. Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm. Phoebe: (shocked) You know her?! Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Mom’s su1c1de note. Phoebe: There-there was a su1c1de note?! (Ursula nods ‘Yes.’) Well, do you still have it? Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebe’s face.) Phoebe: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me there was a su1c1de note! Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing? Phoebe: I, umm, shut up! (Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.) Phoebe: (reading from the note) “Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. I’ll miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk.” You just wrote this! Ursula: Well, it’s pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right? Phoebe: Noooo!! Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are sitting at the table eating dinner and not talking. Ross and Rachel are outside cuddling on the balcony.] Monica: Pass the cheese, please. (Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.) Monica: My God, you can’t even look at me! Can you? Joey: Nope. (Phoebe enters.) Chandler: (jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!! Phoebe: No. I’m-I’m to depressed to talk. Chandler: I’ll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us. Ross: (coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing? Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!! Rachel: All right, that’s it, you guys! What happened out there? Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me. Ross and Rachel: Come on! Ross: What happened? Joey? Joey: All right. (gets up) Monica: (stopping him) No! Joey, we swore we’d never tell! Chandler: (running over and joining Monica) They’ll never understand! Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It’s eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish. Monica: (interrupting) All right!! All right. (walks slowly into the living room) I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I-I couldn’t walk. Chandler: (following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn’t think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monica’s shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.) Monica: I was in too much pain. Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole! Chandler: And then Joey remembered something. Joey: I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel... Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?! Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!! Monica: You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t...bend that way. So... (looks at Joey.) Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!! Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn’t. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler. Chandler: (wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, “Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!” Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming. Joey: (laughs) That’s ‘cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.] Phoebe: (singing) “...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm.” (applause) Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the colours in your bedroom. (Sees that Phoebe Sr. has entered, and to her) Except for you. You go away. Phoebe Sr.: I’ll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there hasn’t been a day where I didn’t regret giving you up. Phoebe: Okay, bye. Phoebe Sr.: No, I’m not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I didn’t look you up was, well I was afraid that you’d react, just well like, the way, the way you’re reacting right now, and can’t we just, y'know, start from here? Phoebe: No. Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. I’m family, I’m it. Now, now I’m done. (starts to leave) Phoebe: But, it’s not like we’re losing anything. Y'know? Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess you’re right. Phoebe: It’s not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common. Phoebe Sr.: Well, I don’t know. I mean it’s not like we don’t have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza. Phoebe: I-I like pizza! Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles. Phoebe: Oh my God, so do I! Phoebe Sr.: I knew it, wow!! Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly? Phoebe Sr.: Ohh, so cute. Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still I’m-I’m mad at you. Phoebe Sr.: I know. I’m mad at me too. Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I’m kinda hungry. Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too! Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now you’re just doing it to freak me out. [Scene: Rachel’s bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new relationship.] Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you. Ross: I missed you too. Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown. Y'know? Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose. Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm. Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective... [cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen] Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!! Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house? Monica: You bet. [cut back to Rachel’s bedroom with both of them hurriedly getting dressed] Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!! Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!! Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter! Rachel: What?!! Ross: I fell asleep! Rachel: You fell asleep?! Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are,’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’ Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!! Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it) Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you’re at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!! Monica: Hey!! Rachel: (to Monica) Sorry!! (to Ross) I just feel bad about all that sleep you’re gonna miss wishing you were with me! Ross: Oh, no-no-no don’t you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!! Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!! Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!! CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are playing cards at the dinner table.] Monica: (sets down some cards) Gin. Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked. Monica: Will you stop! Chandler: Okay. All right. Monica: Okay, all right, I think you’re great, I think you’re sweet, and you’re smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x01 - The One With The Jellyfish"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Jill Condon & Any Toomin Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is eating breakfast as Chandler comes out of his bedroom, ripping his coat in the process.] Chandler: Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice! Joey: How many times do I have to tell you! Ya, turn and sliiiide! Y'know, turn and slide. Chandler: You don’t turn and slide, you throw it out! I’m tired of having to get a tetanus sht every time I get dressed! Joey: Look, we’re not throwing it out! I built this thing with my own hands! Chandler: All right, how about we, how ‘bout we sell it. Joey: All right. But, you’re gonna have to tell them. (He opens the cabinet to reveal the chick and the duck living inside with Christmas lights and a disco ball as decorations.) Chandler: (nods his head) Do you mind if we stick you in another cabinet? (to Joey) They seem all right with it! OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are there. Monica is checking the messages.] Chip: (on machine) Hey Monica, it’s Chip. Monica: Yesss!! Ross: Who’s Chip? Monica: Shhh! Chip: (on machine) Good runnin’ into you at the bank today, so ah, here’s my number, 555-9323. Give me a call. Later. Monica: Chip, is Chip Matthews. Ross: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you? Monica: ‘Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo cute. Ross: Monica, you’re so lucky! He’s like the most popular guy in school!! Monica: I know!! (calls him) (on phone) Chip? Hi! It’s Monica. (listens) ‘Kay. (listens) ‘Kay. (listens) Okay. (listens) Okay, good-bye. (hangs up) Oh my God, we just had the best conversation!! (goes into her room as Rachel enters) Ross: (to Rachel) I was just leaving. Rachel: Good! ‘Cause I’ve got a product report to read, it’s like eight pages, I hope I don’t fall asleep. Ross: Why? Did you write it? Rachel: (sees Chip’s phone number) Wow! Look at that, Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants? Ross: Well ah, actually... Rachel: (interrupting) I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy. Ross: Well, umm, why don’t you give him a call? Rachel: Okay. (picks up phone) Are you sure you wanna hear this? Ross: Oh, I’m sure. Rachel: (on phone) Chip! Hi, it’s Rachel. (listens) Rachel Green. Yeah, umm, you left me a message. (listens) Yes you did, my roommate wrote it down. (listens) Monica Geller. (listens) Ohh. Ross: (whispering in her ear) Oh, that’s right! He called to ask out Monica! That-that’s gotta be embarrassing! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.] Phoebe: (screaming, angrily) ...DUMB, DRUNKEN, BITCH!!! (applause) (happily) Thank you, thanks. Ross: (reading the newspaper) Hey, here’s a question; where did you guys get the finest oak East of the Mississippi? Chandler: Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land. Ross: I’m reading your ad. Joey: Looks good, uh? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: (reading the ad) Stunning entertainment center. Fine, (pause) fine Italian craftsmanship. (Joey is very proud of himself) Phoebe: Oh my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center? Rachel: Why? I love that thing. Chandler: You want it? Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no. Chandler: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane? Joey: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks! Chandler: All right look, I’m changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer. Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant. Chandler: (looks at him) Nooo. Joey: Oh. What do you do? Chandler: I can’t believe you don’t know what I do for a living! Phoebe: Yeah, I actually don’t know... Ross: Good, so do I Rachel: Something to do with numbers? [Cut to someone entering Central Perk which lets a cat in. The cat then runs over to Phoebe’s guitar case and starts sniffing around.] Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! (goes over and picks up the cat) Come on. Crazy. (looks into the cat’s eyes) Oh my God. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing. Joey: What? What’s wrong? Phoebe: I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my Mother. Rachel: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She was a cat?! Phoebe: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who klled herself. Ross: Are you sure she’s in the cat, or have you been taking your grandma’s glycoma medicine again? Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! I’m sure. First of all, okay, there’s the feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel nods her head in unsure agreement) My Mother’s favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joey thinks he understands, but then nods that he has no clue.) Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an “Oh my God.” gesture) Oh, I haven’t seen this smile in 17 years! Joey: (to Chandler) Dude, Phoebe’s mom has got a huge peni... Chandler: (interrupting) Let it go!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is working as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey! Rachel: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that you’re going out with Chip Matthews? Monica: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews? Rachel: Nooo! It’s not okay! I can’t believe you would want to after what he did to me! Monica: What, that little thing at the prom? Rachel: Monica! I couldn’t find him for two hours! He was having sex with Amy Welch! Monica: Come on, that was back in high school! How could that still bother you? Rachel: I mean why, of all people would you want to go out with Chip?! Monica: Look, you and I went to different high schools... Rachel: Okay, that doesn’t help me, because we went to the same high school. Monica: You went to one where you were popular, and you got to ride off Chip’s motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went to one where I wore a band uniform they had to have specially made. Rachel: (shocked) They had to have that specially made?! Monica: It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes. Rachel: (stunned) Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot! Monica: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance to go out with a Chip Matthews, and now he’s-he’s called me up and asked me out. And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never let her eat. Rachel: Oh, you go out with him. (goes over and hugs her) Monica: Oh, really?! Rachel: Yeah. Just, if it’s possible, could you leave him somewhere and go have sex with another guy? Monica: I’ll try. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, they are all there eating breakfast.] Ross: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center? Joey: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I don’t think any of them are gonna work out. Chandler: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails. Phoebe: (is struggling with the cat) Stop it! Stop it! She keeps squirming, trying to get away! Just like when she was alive. Ross: So Pheebs, how long is your mom gonna be with us? Phoebe: Well, I’m not sure. I mean, I guess until she y'know, gets used to the fact that there’s y'know, a new mom. Y'know, I think she’s worried that y'know, she’s gonna, she’s gonna be replaced. (to the cat, in a funny voice) Well, that’s not gonna happen is it? Noo. (gets up) Okay, I have to return a call in the other room. Monica: Why can’t you use the phone in here? Phoebe: Well, I’m returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H. I just spelled the wrong word. (goes into Monica’s room) Ross: So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebe’s mom remind anyone of a cat? Monica: Ross, don’t start. Ross: Come on, you-you can’t tell me you actually believe that-that there’s a woman inside that cat! Rachel: I believe it. Ross: No you don’t. Rachel: Yes, I do. Ross: No you do--y'know what, you’re not gonna suck me into this. Rachel: Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right. Ross: I do not always have to be--okay, okay. (starts to leave) Rachel: Jurassic Park could happen. (Ross wants to say something, but just smiles and leaves.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are showing a couple of guys (Tony and Peter) the entertainment center.] Tony: Wow! That’s ah, that’s pretty nice! Joey: Pretty nice? Chandler: You’ll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this. Tony: We don’t have 50 bucks, but would you be willing to trade for it? We’ve got a canoe. (Joey jumps up in excitement and without turning around Chandler holds out his hand stopping him, and ushering him back into his seat. Joey sits down, dejected.) Chandler: Y'know, I, I really don’t think we need a canoe. Tony: You gotta take the canoe! Chandler: All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away! Peter: We’re not throwing it away! I built that canoe! (starts to leave as Tony chases after him) Joey: (to Peter) Good for you!! [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Ross are there.] Rachel: (entering) You guys, you’re never gonna believe what I just found tacked up on a telephone pole! (She’s holding a flyer.) Look kinda familiar? Ross: (taking the flyer) Apparently Phoebe’s mother also goes by the name Julio. Rachel: You guys, there’s a little girl in Soho looking for this cat. I mean, you know what that means?! Joey: (looking at the flyer) Yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split five ways!! Rachel: Do we have to tell her? Ross: Yes, we have to tell her! Monica: Oh, but it’s made her so happy. Ross: (holds up a hand) Little girl misses her cat. (hold up the other hand) Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat. (gets up) Okay, y'know what, I have to go have dinner with my son, can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her. All: (disappointed) Yeah. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: I hate when Ross is right! Monica: He is right, isn’t he? Chandler: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he’s wrong. All: You think? Chandler: Oh-no, he’s right. COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Central Perk, the same scene is continued from before the break. With Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: (entering, with Julio) Hi. (sits down in the chair) Monica: Hi! All: Hey! Joey: Uh, Pheebs, about your mom... Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: (pause) How’s that going? Phoebe: So great. Oh, we took a nap today and my Mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred. Joey: That’s so sweet. (pause) I’m gonna get some coffee. (gets up and leaves) Monica: (sliding into Joey’s place on the couch to try and talk to Phoebe) Huh? What’d ya say Joe? I’ll be right there. (gets up and joins Joey) (Rachel and Chandler slide into position.) Rachel: Pheebs... Phoebe: I just feel so, uhh..... Rachel: All right!! Chandler: I’m coming already!! Rachel: Jeez! (They both get up and leave Phoebe alone.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading at the kitchen table as there is a knock on the door.] Monica: (running from the bathroom to her room, wearing only a towel) Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! (gets to her room and closes the door, as Rachel gets up to answer the door.) Rachel: Hello, Chip. Chip: Hey, Rach! How ya doin’? Rachel: I’m great! I’m great. I’ve got a great job at Bloomingdale’s, have wonderful friends, and eventhough I’m not seeing anyone right now, I’ve never felt better about myself. Chip: So ah, Monica ready yet? Rachel: She’ll be out in a second. So, Chip, how’s umm, Amy Welch? Chip: Amy Welch? Wow! I haven’t seen her since... So, Monica about ready? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is showing off the entertainment center.] Joey: This is the unit for you my friend. Sturdy construction, tons of storage compartments, some big enough to fit a grown man. Guy: What?! Joey: Oh yeah! I got in there myself once. My roommate bet me five bucks that I couldn’t, and then he stuck a board through the handles that locked me in. Yeah. It was funny ‘til I started feeling like I was in a coffin. Guy: No, you, you can’t fit in that thing. That’s not deep enough. Joey: Oh yeah? (opens up the center and takes out the stereo) If I can’t, I’ll knock five bucks off the price off the unit. Guy: All right, you have yourself a deal. (shakes his hand) Joey: Okay. (he gets in the unit and closes the door) See?! I told ya! (The guys takes a hockey stick and slips it through the handles then proceeds to take the stereo and Chandler’s computer and walk out.) Joey: Sometimes I get in here just to get away from it! Hey, a nickel!! [Scene: A street, Chip is walking Monica to his motorcycle.] Chip: Here, we are. Monica: Oh my God! You still have the Chipper! Chip: The what? Monica: That’s what we used to call your ah, your motorcycle in high school. Y'know how a motorcycle is a Chopper, and you’re Chip. Nevermind. Chip: No, I think it’s cute. (kisses her) Monica: Wow! A lipper from Chipper. Chip: So you still in touch with anyone from high school? Monica: Umm. Well, there’s Rachel, and umm, I think that’s it. How bout you? Chip: Oh yeah, I still hang with Simmons and Zana, y'know. I see Spindler a lot. Devane, Kelly, and I run into Goldie from time to time. Steve Brown, Zuchoff, McGwire, J.T., Breadsly. Monica: Is that all? Chip: Ehh, y'know after high school, you just kinda lose touch. Oh yeah! I ran into Richard Dorfman. Monica: Ohh, how is he? Chip: Not so good, Simmons and I gave him a wedgie. Monica: Isn’t he an architect now? Chip: Yeah, they still wear underwear. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming home. As we walks through the door, and without looking up, he goes to throw his keys on the foosball table, only, it’s gone and the keys it the floor. He then looks up at an empty apartment; everything is gone except for the entertainment center and that ceramic dog. Even the food in the fridge!] Chandler: OH MY GOD!!! Joey: (still trapped in the entertainment center) WHAT?!! Chandler: Are you all right?! Joey: Yeah... Chandler: (lets him out) What happened?!! Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!! Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!! Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man! Chandler: So--You got in voluntarily?! Joey: I was tryin’ to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I’m gonna do? Chandler: BEND OVER?!!! [Scene: Dot’s Spot, Chip and Monica are on there date, eating dinner. Chip is telling a story.] Chip: ...and then Zana, just let one rip!! (laughs histerically) Monica: Look, not that I enjoy talking about people who I went to high school with, ‘cause I do, but umm, maybe we could talk about something else? Like you, I don’t even know where you work? Chip: You know where I work! Monica: I do? Chip: The movie theatre, you used to come in all the time. Monica: You still work at the multiplex? Chip: Oh, like I’d give up that job! Free popcorn and candy, anytime I want. I can get you free posters for your room. Monica: Thanks, I’m set. Do you still live with your parents? Chip: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want. (Monica takes a big swig of her martini.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Rachel, Phoebe, and Julio are consoling Joey and Chandler.] Rachel: Wow! They really got you guys. Your T.V. The chairs. Phoebe: Oh yeah, your microwave. The stereo. Joey: (looking through a deck of cards) Aww, man, he took the five of spades!! Oh, no-no-no, here it is! Monica: (entering) Oh my God! What happened? Chandler: Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!! Rachel: (to Monica) So, how was your date? Monica: Well, y'know how I always wanted to go out with Chip Matthews in high school? Rachel: Um-hmm. Monica: Well, tonight, I actually went out with Chip Matthews in high school. Rachel: Oh honey, I’m sorry. Monica: No, it’s okay, not only did I get to go out with Chip Matthews, I got to dump Chip Matthews. Rachel: Ohh! That’s so great! Monica: I know! Ross: (entering) Hey! So ah, what did the insurance company say? Chandler: Oh, they said uh, “You don’t have insurance here, so stop calling us.” Ross: (seeing Phoebe still with cat) You didn’t tell her?! (They all kinda shy away.) Okay, fine! Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? (sees Ross) Hi! Ross: Hi! Listen uhh, this cat belongs to a little girl. There are flyers all over the place. Rachel: I’m sorry, sweetie. (shows her the flyer) Monica: Hey, we can take her back with you if you want. Phoebe: Ohh. Um-hmm. But y'know, she choose to find me. I mean, I have to respect her decision. Right? Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel: That’s a good call. Right. Ross: No! No! Look--Hey, enough is enough! Look, I am sorry that you feel guilty or whatever about spending time with your new mom, but this is not your old mom. This is a cat! Okay, Julio the cat! Not mom! Cat! Phoebe: (she turns around and puts the cat on the entertainment center) Ross, how many parents have you lost? Ross: None. Phoebe: Okay, then you don’t know what it feels like when one of them comes back. Do you? I believe this is my Mother. Even if I’m wrong, who cares? Just be a friend. Okay? Be supportive. Ross: I’m sorry. Phoebe: Okay. Ross: I don’t know what to say. Rachel: You could.... say you’re sorry to her mom. Phoebe: I think she would like that. Ross: (goes over to Julio) Come here, here, come here, come here, (pause) Mrs. Buffay. Sorry, about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. When clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my friend’s mother. Phoebe: Thank you. We both forgive you. Rachel: So honey, what are you gonna do about the little girl? Phoebe: Yeah, okay, listen, umm, Mom, I hope you know you still mean a lot to me. And you’re welcome to come back anytime. Chandler: Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we’d really appreciate it. (Joey nods in agreement) Phoebe: Come on, Mom, I’ll take you home. Rachel: I’ll go with you. Monica: Me too. (they all leave) Ross: Oh! Y'know, I’ve got an extra futon. Joey: Dude, you don’t have to brag! We got nothing here!! CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler have trading the entertainment center for the canoe. Joey is sitting in the bow, staring off into space as to envision his future full of possibilities. Chandler is sitting at the stern, staring into space and is looking at an uncertain future.] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x02 - The One With The Cat"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Seth Kirkland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help from: Darcy Partridge [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in the canoe as Joey runs through the door carrying an outdoor patio table.] Joey: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there. (Goes back into the hall) Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I’m, I’m paddling away! Joey: (Returning carrying a couple of rusted lawn chairs) Huh?! Chandler: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?! Joey: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And, some of it is not even popped! (They both sit down at the table and the chick and the duck enter from Joey’s bedroom.) Chandler: Could we be more white trash? OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are eating breakfast.] Monica: (Entering from her bedroom) How desperate am I? Rachel: Oh! Good thing Chandler’s not here, he always wins at this game. Monica: I just told my Mom I’d cater a party for her. Phoebe: How come? Monica: Because I need the money, and I thought that it’d be a great way to get rid of that last little schmidgen of self-respect. Ross: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I don’t think Mom would’ve hired you if she didn’t think you were good at what you do. Monica: You don’t have to stick up for her. She can’t here you. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading the paper and Chandler is getting ready for work.] Rachel: (entering) Hey! Umm, do you guys have any juice? Joey: Just pickle. Chandler: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday. Rachel: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must’ve been awkward. Chandler: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink. Rachel: (laughs) You ah, you didn’t say ‘Yes’ to that did you? Chandler: (laughs) No. No! Joanna: (Coming out of the shower wearing nothing but a towel) Hello, Rachel. (She goes into Chandler’s bedroom) Chandler: Well, not at first. Rachel: What is she doing here? (Joey makes a sound like a creaking bed.) Rachel: I don’t understand! Last time you went out with her you said she was a ‘big, dull dud.’ Chandler: Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level. (Joey creaks louder) Rachel: Well, last time I almost got fired. You must end it, you must end it now! Chandler: Oh, come on! It’s not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I’m pretty much just in there by myself. (Joey makes a sound imitating one person making a bed creak and Chandler turns and glares at him.) Rachel: Chandler!! (He turns around quickly) Promise me, you will end it. Chandler: Okay, I promise, I’ll end it. Rachel: Thank you. Chandler: I hope you know what I’m giving up for ya, because she’s not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean. Joey: Yeah-eh-eah! (Rachel glares at him) Oh-oh, sorry, I-I knew what he meant. [Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are cooking for Mrs. Geller’s party.] Mrs. Geller: (entering) How’s the hired help? Monica: Doing great, the quiches are coming along. Mrs. Geller: What’s this? Blue nail polish? Monica: Yeah, I thought it was cute. Mrs. Geller: Ahh, that’s what your Grandmother’s hands looked like when we found her. Monica: Let me ask you a question. Mrs. Geller: Hmm. Monica: Why did you hire me? Mrs. Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the food at his party, of course you were sleeping with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice, I assume you weren’t sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that would be something. (Leaves) Monica: (to Phoebe) Oh my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because she thinks I’m good. Phoebe: Okay, I didn’t hear that. Monica: Oh yeah, she didn’t hire me out of pity, it wasn’t so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks I’m good. Phoebe: Wow! And hey, it’s cool if you’re a lesbian! (Gives her a thumbs up) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is scrapping gum off the table as there is a knock on the door. He goes over and opens it.] The Salesman: (Entering before Joey can say anything) Good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house? Joey: Uhhhh. (He’s not sure) The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias? Joey: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there. The Salesman: Actually, I’m not buying. I’m selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though you’re not really sure what they’re talking about? (We go into a flashback sequence with Joey remembering some of those times.) [Cut to Monica and Rachel’s apartment, all are there.] Ross: …I’m telling you it’s totally unconstituional. Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: Oh yeah, I totally agree. (Joey just nods his head.) [Cut to Central Perk, the entire gng is there.] Monica: …I think he deserves a Nobel Prize. (Joey starts to nod ‘Yes.’) All: Nooo!! (Joey quickly stops nodding his head.) [Cut to Monica and Rachel’s, they’re all there playing cards.] Chandler: …it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.) [Cut back to the present day.] The Salesman: (Interrupting the flashback) Excuse me, I’m sorry, you haven’t said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested? Joey: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in. [Scene: The Geller’s Kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are still cooking.] Phoebe: That’s weird. Monica: What? Phoebe: Your nails. Monica: Oh, I know, I never wear fake ones. I just did it so my Mom wouldn’t give me grief about me biting them. Phoebe: Oh, no, I meant that it’s weird that you only have nine now. Monica: (Looks at her nails) Oh my God. Wait a minute, I had them put… (realises) Oh my God! It’s in the quiche! Oh My God! Phoebe: Okay, don’t panic. I’m gonna go to the store, I’m gonna get you another set of nails, no one’s gonna know, and you’re gonna look great. (She runs over to get her coat.) Oh! Oh, it’s ‘cause they’re gonna eat—that’s the problem. Mrs. Geller: (entering) (to Monica) Honey, don’t bite your nails. Monica: Okay ah, please don’t freak out. Umm, but ah, there’s a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and there’s no way to know which one. Phoebe: And! Whoever finds it wins the prize! Mrs. Geller: (laughs) I’m not freaking out. Monica: Then why are you laughing? Mrs. Geller: It’s nothing, it’s just that now your Father owes me five dollars. Monica: What? You bet I’d lose a nail? Mrs. Geller: Oh no, don’t be silly. I just bet I’d need these. (Opens the freezer to reveal…) Monica: Frozen lasagnas? Mrs. Geller: Um-hmm. Monica: You bet that I’d screw up?! So all that stuff about hiring me because I was good was… Mrs. Geller: No-no-no, that was all true. This was just in case you pulled a Monica. Monica: You promised Dr. Weinburg, you’d never use that phrase. Mrs. Geller: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of humour, you’ve never been able to laugh at yourself. Monica: (laughs) That’s right. My Mom doesn’t have any faith in me! Oh, that’s hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Phoebe: I don’t get it. Mrs. Geller: No, I have faith… Monica: (interrupting) No! You have lasagnas! (Storms out and an awkward silence follows.) Oven: Ding! Phoebe: Op, the ruined quiches are ready. [Scene: Joanna’s office, Joanna and Chandler are making out on her chair. Chandler isn’t wearing any pants.] Chandler: It just doesn’t…feel like we’re breaking up. Joanna: No, we are. I’m sad. Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing again, but are interrupted by the phone. Joanna: (answering the phone) Yes. (listens) Uh, can’t you wait until tomorrow? (listens) All right. (hangs up) Unbelievable!! Chandler: Thanks. Joanna: No, no, that was my boss. I have to go. Chandler: Okay. (Starts to button up his shirt) Joanna: What are you doing? Chandler: I’m getting dressed. Joanna: Why? Chandler: When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me. Joanna: Wait. I wanna show you something. Chandler: What is it? Joanna: Just a little gag gift somebody gave me. (She’s holding a pair of handcuffs) Put your hands together. Chandler: Ah-ha, you’re not the boss of me. (She kisses him) Yeah, you are! (She handcuffs him to the chair) Ooh, saucy. Joanna: (kisses him) I’ll be back in ten minutes. (Starts to leave) Chandler: You are, you’re gonna leave me like this? Joanna: Knowing you’re here, waiting for me I think it’s kinda exciting. Chandler: Okay. But if you don’t come back soon, (She leaves and closes the door) there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it! [Cut to Joanna’s outer office, where Rachel and Sophie work. They are both coming back from lunch.] Joanna: (locking her door) Oh. Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon! Joanna: Oh great! I’ll keep it in my butt with your nose. (She grabs the cookie and walks out.) Rachel: That’s weird, she locked the door. Sophie: Y’know why? She’s got the Christmas bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this morning. Rachel: Okay, swear you won’t tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joanna’s office. Do you wanna see the list? Sophie: Yeah! (Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the chair. They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in shock and surprise.) Chandler: Hi! (to Sophie) How are you? (Rachel and Sophie both back out and close the door without saying anything. COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Joanna’s office, Chandler, still handcuffed to the chair, is looking through the lingerie catalogue by turning the pages with his teeth. The phone rings and Chandler answers it with his nose.] Chandler: Hello, Joanna…(Realises he doesn’t know her last name)…’s office. Joanna: (on speaker phone) I’m really sorry but I may be a little while longer. Chandler: How little?! Joanna: A couple of hours, I feel awful. Chandler: Look, this isn’t funny! You get back here right now! Joanna: I can’t!! Chandler: Why not?! Joanna: I’m in my boss’s car! Chandler: What?! Joanna: Uh-oh, tunnel. (The phone gets cut off) (Chandler gets an idea) [Cut to Rachel’s office as her intercom buzzes.] Rachel: (answering it) (angrily) What?! Chandler: (in a serious, businesslike tone) Rachel, could I see you for a moment? (Rachel goes into talk to Chandler.) Chandler: Okay, here’s the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit. Rachel: You promised you would break up with her! Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well! Rachel: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?! Chandler: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, sht right out. Rachel: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them. Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can’t get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I’m cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a statue behind Joanna’s desk.) Rachel: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it! (Grabs the key) You never see Joanna again! Chandler: Never! Rachel: You never come into this office again! Chandler: Fine! Rachel: You give me back my Walkman! Chandler: I—never borrowed your Walkman. Rachel: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one! Chandler: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! (Rachel goes over and unlocks the handcuffs) Ahhh! (He starts rubbing his wrist) Rachel: Does it hurt? Chandler: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. (He runs over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet pants! Rachel: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell Joanna? Chandler: About what? Rachel: When she sees that you’re gone, she’s gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I’m gonna get fired! Chandler: I’ll make something up! I’m good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman! Rachel: No, there’s nothing to make up, she’s gonna know that I have a key to her office, I’ve got to get you locked up back the way you were! (She tries to drag him over to the chair, but Chandler stops her.) Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, I don’t think so! (He starts to put his pants on, but Rachel manages to drag him to the chair. When they get to the chair, Chandler drops his pants and knocks the chair away. Rachel then backs him up and locks him to the top drawer of a filing cabinet.) Chandler: Well, this is much better. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, The salesman is trying to sell Joey the encyclopedias.] The Salesman: So, here’s somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh? Joey: He cut off his ear. The Salesman: And? Joey: I’m out. The Salesman: He painted that. (Points to one of his paintings in the book) Joey: Wow! That’s pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear ‘cause he sucked. What else you got in there? The Salesman: Let’s see, ahhh… Where does the Pope live? Joey: In the woods. No wait-wait, that’s the joke answer. The Salesman: Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber? Joey: Spock’s birth control. The Salesman: (laughs) You need these books. [Scene: Monica’s childhood bedroom (which has been turned into a gym), Monica is lying on the treadmill as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hi. Phoebe: This used to be your room? (She nods ‘Yes’) Wow! You must’ve been in really good shape as a kid. Monica: Ohh, I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I actually thought she could change. Phoebe: Well, who cares what your Mom thinks? So you pulled a Monica. Monica: Oh good, I’m glad that’s catching on. Phoebe: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and we’ll call that pulling a Monica. Monica: What? Phoebe: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight A’s, his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica." Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, "Yeah, that one’s outta here." Though some things don’t change. Monica: (getting up) All right, I’ll go down there. But, I’m not gonna serve the lasagna. I’m gonna serve something I make. (She exits and Phoebe goes over and sits down at the machine that works your shoulders and tries to do one, which she does, easily.) Phoebe: Wow! My breasts are really strong. (She goes and joins Monica.) [Scene: Joanna’s office, Rachel and Chandler are having a little tug-of-wr with his pants.] Rachel: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she’s very private about her office. Now I know why. Chandler: Hey, look, you’re in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she’s gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go. Rachel: What if I clean your bathroom for a month? Chandler: It still wouldn’t be clean. (Rachel makes an ‘Eww, disgusting!’ face) All I want is my freedom. Rachel: Foot rubs for a month! Chandler: Freedom! Rachel: I’ll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums! Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won’t you here me?! (Opens the door) Sophie, help me! Help me!! (Sophie stands up) Rachel: Sophie sit!! (She closes the door and puts his tie into his mouth as a gag.) Rachel: No! God, would you just calm down! (Chandler screams a little bit, then realises that he can spit out his gag. He does so with a ‘Pouff!’) Chandler: I’m gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just… (He moves his arm which opens the drawer and hits in the back of the head, which proves his point.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is now reading the ‘V’ book, with the salesman watching.] Joey: Wow! There’s a lot I didn’t know about vomit. (The duck comes to the door of the bathroom, quacking.) (To the duck) In a minute. (The duck goes back into the bathroom.) The Salesman: So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book! Joey: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? I’m home in the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there’s a few things you don’t get from book learnin’. The Salesman: Well ah, what can you swing? Joey: How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time? The Salesman: You don’t have, anything? Joey: You wanna see what I got? (He gets up to empty out his pockets) Okay? I’ve got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey! The Salesman: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time. (Starts to leave) Joey: And a 50. (The salesman stops suddenly) Huh, these must be Chandler’s pants. The Salesman: For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A? B? C? Joey: Oh, I-I think I’m gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out. [Scene: Joanna’s office, Rachel and Chandler are still negotiating.] Rachel: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts. Chandler: No! Rachel: I ah… Oh! I’ll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning! Chandler: With extra pulp? Rachel: (happily) Yeah!! Chandler: No! Rachel: D’oh!! (pause) I’ve got it! Chandler: You don’t have it. Rachel: I have so got it. There’s gonna be rumours about this, there’s no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know. Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know? Rachel: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous (Holds her hands far apart) or very (In a high pitched voice) stingy. Chandler: (intrigued) Go on. Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation’s Milton Berle. Chandler: And Milton Berle has a… Rachel: Ohh, not compared to you. (Chandler nods in agreement) [Scene: The Geller’s kitchen, Phoebe is bringing in some dirty dishes.] Monica: Well? Phoebe: They’re not even touching the lasagna! Monica: Really?! Phoebe: Oh, they love your casserole. Monica: Yes!! Phoebe: It’s hard to believe that just a little while ago this was nothing but ingredients. Mrs. Geller: (entering) Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish. Monica: And you? Mrs. Geller: I thought it was… quite tasty. Monica: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success. Which would make you… Mrs. Geller: (interrupting) A bitch? Monica: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word. Mrs. Geller: Yes, well I was wrong, and I have to say you really impressed me today. Monica: Wow! Phoebe: Umm, you might even say that she pulled a Monica. (They both look at her) (to Monica) She doesn’t know we switched it. (Monica nods her head ‘No.’) Mrs. Geller: And the next time you cater for me, there will be nothing but ice in the freezer. (She starts to bite her nails) Monica: That really means a lot. Oh, and Mom, don’t bite your nails. [Scene: Central Perk, all except Chandler, are there.] Chandler: (hello) Hello. Joey, Rachel, and Ross: Hey! Monica: (in a sexy voice) Hello, Chandler. (Phoebe has a huge smile on her face.) Chandler: (to Rachel) I love you. (Kisses her on the forehead) Joey: Wh-what’s going on? Phoebe: Oh. (She motions for them to come closer, they lean in and she whispers what Rachel told her. The guys both lean back laughing.] Joey: No he doesn’t! Chandler: (checks his watch) Two hours, that lasted! Rachel: So did you break up with Joanna? Chandler: I think so. Joey: Well, it’s good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius. Ross: The volcano? Joey: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation. Rachel: What?! Joey: Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant. Monica: Why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden? Joey: Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam wr? Monica: Oh! Did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean wr? (Joey is pissed) All: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Phoebe: Oh God, Korea is such a beautiful country. Ross: With such a sad history. Chandler: Could there be more Kims? (They all laugh and Joey joins them, not to be left out. When the laughing dies down, he has a depressed look on his face.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel is coming in for the day.] Joanna: (from her office) Who’s out there? Rachel: It’s me! Good morning! Joanna: Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please? Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didn’t have poppy seed bagels, so I… (Enters Joanna’s office and sees her handcuffed to her chair wearing nothing but a slip) Oh my word! Joanna: I seem to have had a slight office mishap. Could you please get the key off the back of the door for me. Rachel: Oh, yeah! Yeah! (She goes back and forth, not sure what to do first, put the bagel down or grab the key. She finally puts the bagel down and grabs the key and goes over to unlock Joanna.) Joanna: You tell your friend Chandler that we’re definately broken up this time. Rachel: Okay. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x03 - The One With The \u2018Cuffs"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gng is there eating breakfast. Chandler is cleaning out his wallet.] Phoebe: Hey! New wallet, huh? Chandler: Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn’t say ‘cool’ anymore. Monica: Rachel! Rachel: What? Monica: You just put an empty carton back in the fridge! Rachel: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full. Monica: Have you ever taken out the trash? (Hands her the garbage.) Rachel: Well, I thought you liked doing it. (Rachel starts out the door and stops.) Monica: Third door on the left. Rachel: Right! [Scene: Garbage room: Mr. Treeger is unclogging the trash chute as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger. Mr. Treeger:: Hey. (Rachel opens the trash chute, winces at the smell, and throws the garbage bag in. She then tries to throw the pizza box in, but since it’s so big she jams it into the opening and it prevents the door from closing. She then turns around too see Mr. Treeger watching her.) Mr. Treeger:: What are you doing? Rachel: Ummm. Oh! I’m sorry. (She grabs the box and offers him a piece.) It’s a little old but… Mr. Treeger:: No! You’re clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging! Rachel: I’m sorry. I didn’t—I don’t come in here a lot. Mr. Treeger:: Oh yeah, of course you don’t! Rachel: No. Mr. Treeger:: ‘Cause you’re a little princess! "Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me…" Rachel: I didn’t… I never said that. Mr. Treeger:: You think you could make a mess and the big man in coveralls will come in here and clean it up, huh? Well, why don’t think of someone else for a change? Rachel: (starting to cry) Okay, I’m sorry. (Runs out still carrying the pizza box.) [Cut to Monica and Rachel’s apartment as Rachel returns in tears.] Monica: God! If you’re gonna cry about it! (She grabs the box and goes to through it out.] OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Continued from earlier, Rachel is now telling everyone of her experience in the garbage room.] Joey: Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry? Rachel: Yes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true. Joey: I’m gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson. Monica: Joey, please don’t do that. I think it’s best that we just forget about it. Rachel: That’s easy for you to say, you weren’t almost just klled. Joey: All right that’s it, school is in session! (Exits and slams the door.) Monica: (Picking up a card from Chandler’s wallet.) My God! Is this a gym card? Chandler: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last 1200 times. Ross: So why don’t you quit? Chandler: You don’t think I’ve tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria. Ross: Who is Maria? Chandler: Oh Maria. You can’t say no to her, she’s like this lycra spandex covered gym…treat. Ross: You need me to go down there with you and hold your hand? Chandler: No! Ross: So you’re strong enough to face her on your own? Chandler: Oh no, you’ll have to come. [Scene: Treeger’s apartment, Joey knocks on the door and Treeger opens it.] Mr. Treeger:: Tribbiani! Hold on, I’ll get the plunger. Joey: Hey! You hold on pal! Now you made my friend, Rachel, cry. So now, you’re gonna go up there and apologize to her, unless you want me to call the landlord. Mr. Treeger:: And tell him what? Joey: Have you heard about a little something called, Not Making Girls Cry. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent sab Act of 1968! Joey: I have actually not heard of that. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, well your friends are in violation of it. I’ve been a nice guy up until now, but uh, I don’t need this grief. I’m gonna call the landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally subletting here grandmother’s apartment. Your friends are outta here pal. Joey: Why don’t you tell me something I don’t know! (He storms out, and once Treeger closes the door behind him, Joey makes an ‘Oops!’ have.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, everyone is still eating breakfast.] Phoebe: Oh please, somebody tell me I don’t have to go to work today! Monica: What’s the matter? Phoebe: Oh, my first massage today is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time I see him I just want to do things to him that I’m not allowed to charge for. Monica: So do them for free. Phoebe: Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for fooling around with clients. And it’s against my oath as a masseuse. Ross: They make you take an oath? Phoebe: No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that one’s actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense. Chandler: Why don’t you just give him to somebody else? Phoebe: No, I can handle it. No, I’m a professional. (She starts to leave) Rachel: Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet? Monica: Wow! And you got a petticure. Your feet are all dressed up. Chandler: Because that’s the only part of you he can see when he’s on the table! Monica: You’re gonna do some feet flirtin’! Phoebe: I don’t what your talking about. (Laughs nervously and continues to leaqve) Ross: Then how do you explain the toe ring?! Phoebe: Because it’s Arabian princess day at work! Okay?! Leave me alone! [Cut to later, Joey is returning from talking to Mr. Treeger.] Rachel: Oh! My hero! What happened? Joey: Well uh, I went down there and told him that no one treats my friends like that and that he’d better come up here and apologize. I’ll see you later. (Starts to leave) Monica: What a minute, what did he say? Joey: He said that he wasn’t gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he’s gonna do is have you evicted—I’ll see you later. Rachel: What?! You got us evicted!! Monica: I told you not to go down there! Joey: Well he made Rachel cry! Monica: Rachel always cries! Rachel: That’s not true! (Starts to cry.) Monica: Now Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean you suck like you’ve never sucked before! Joey: All right! I’ll try! But if I can’t, you can stay with Chandler and I until you get settled. Rachel: Go!! Joey: All right, all right, all right. (Starts to leave, stops, and turns around) I mean I’ll have to check with him first, but I’ll think he’ll be cool with it. (Monica shoos him out.) [Scene: Chandler’s gym, He and Ross are there to cancel his membership.] Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong. Chandler: Yes. (In a stronger voice) Yes! Ross: One more time, "Hey, don’t you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?" Chandler: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts! Ross: Good! That’s good! Chandler: Okay. (They go inside) (To the guy at the desk) I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: You wanna quit? Chandler: I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: You do realize that you won’t have access to our new full service Swedish spa. Chandler: (He turns to Ross and Ross makes a ‘Be strong’ sound.) I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. (Both Chandler and Ross start to make their way to the membership office.) Uh, excuse me, (to Ross) are you a member? Ross: Me? No. Gym Employee: Sorry, members only. Chandler: (horrified at the prospect of trying to quit alone and unsure about himself) I wanna quit the gym. Ross: It’s okay man, be strong. (Chandler goes into the office.) Gym Employee: (to Ross) So, are you a member of any gym. Ross: No! And I’m not gonna be, so you can save you little speech. Gym Employee: Okay, no problem. (To someone out of the picture) Could you come here for a second? (This gorgeous woman in spandex walks up) Woman: Hi, I’m Maria. (Ross is at a loss for words.) [Scene: Heeling Hands Inc., Phoebe’s work, she is giving a massage to the guy, Rick, she likes.] Rick: (looking at her feet) Wow, you have really pretty feet. Phoebe: These old things. Rick: Would you mind spending some time on my siadic area, it’s been klling me today. Phoebe: You mean the—Okay by siadic, you mean the towel covered portion. Rick: Yeah. Phoebe: Sure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah, because umm, y'know, the muscles in the siadic area can get y’know, real (lifts up the towel) nice and tight. So umm, tell me Rick, how umm, how did you injure the area. Rick: Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace. Phoebe: Oh. (She goes to work, and her head slowly drops out of view.) Rick: Ow! Did you just bite me? Phoebe: No! [Scene: Mr. Treeger’s apartment, Joey is there to suck up.] Mr. Treeger:: What? Joey: Please don’t kick Monica and Rachel out, this wasn’t there fault, it was mine. Mr. Treeger:: You want me to kick you guys out instead? Joey: No you can’t do that, where would the chick and the duck live? Mr. Treeger:: You have pets! Joey: Noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. I’m the chick and Chandler is the duck. Mr. Treeger:: Huh, I would’ve thought it was the other way around. Joey: Come on man, just-just let the girls stay, I’ll do whatever you want. Mr. Treeger:: Really? You’ll do anything? Joey: Yeah-yeah, absolutely. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, I’ve got something you can do. Joey: What, what is it? Mr. Treeger:: Can you be my dancing partner? Joey: That’s not, prison lingo, is it? COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is telling Monica and Rachel what he has to do.] Monica: His dancing partner?! Joey: Yeah, there’s this superintendent’s dance, the Super Ball. I don’t know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he’s a crush on. Rachel: Well, why doesn’t he practice with a girl? Joey: Well, he’s too shy, he doesn’t thing he’s good enough to dance with girls yet. Rachel: Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that…garbage chute. (Starts to cry) Monica: Oh, would you let it go already?! You’re fine! (Chandler and Ross enter) Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Hey! So, did you quit? Chandler: No, I almost did, couldn’t leave Ross there without a spotter! Monica: Wait, now so you joined the gym? (Rachel starts to laugh.) Ross: And that’s funny, why? Rachel: Oh, umm, I was just y’know working out and umm… Oh, that’s it. Chandler: We’re doomed. Okay, they’re gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do? Monica: Well, you could actually go to the gym. (Chandler and Ross both laugh) Ross: Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source. Chandler: You’re a genius! Joey: Aww, man, now we won’t be bank buddies! Chandler: Now, there’s two reasons. Phoebe: (entering) Hey. All: Hey! Phoebe: Ohh, you guys, remember that cute client I told you about? I bit him. Rachel: Where?! Phoebe: On the touchy. Ross: And that’s not against your oath?! Phoebe: No, I know! I-I’m sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one. Monica: Well, next time your massaging him, you should try and distract yourself. Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when I’m doing something exciting and I don’t wanna get too excited, I just ahh, y’know try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler! Chandler: Thank you, Joey. Joey: No-no, thank you. [Scene: Treeger’s apartment, Joey knocks and Mr. Treeger opens the door.] Joey: All right, I’m here, let’s ahh, get this over with. Mr. Treeger:: Okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow my lead. (Turns on some music) Joey: Whoa-whoa, don’t we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ahh, get really drunk? Mr. Treeger:: Look come on, eh, just ah, just ah, put your arms around me, eh. (Joey does so, and they both start dancing. Treeger tries to spin Joey, but ends up throwing him into the door.) Mr. Treeger:: Ahhhh! I’m sorry! Joey: No, it’s okay, but if I’m Marge, my breasts are coming out my back. Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, forget it! I’ll never be any good at this, my mom was right, I’m just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head. Joey: Come on man, you’re not a potato. Mr. Treeger:: I’m sure as hell a dancer, it’s no use Marge will never go for me. Joey: Come on Treeger, don’t say that. You just ahh, you just need more practice. Here, come on, let’s ahh, let’s try it again. Come on. (they start dancing again) Plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault, anyway. I mean, y’know, I’m not really that comfortable dancing with a—(Treeger throws him) We-he!! Hey! Mr. Treeger:: Yeah! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table as Joey enters.] Monica: Hey-hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet? Joey: Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time. (He walks into the kitchen and does a little dance step on the way.) Rachel: (laughing) What was that? Joey: What? Rachel: You just did a little dancy thing. Joey: No I didn’t. Monica: Yes you did! You did like a little hop. Rachel: You are soo enjoying this. Joey: No, I’m not! And it wasn’t a hop it was a pademarie. Monica: (laughing harder) You know the words! You are so into this! Joey: All right, well maybe I’m enjoying it a little bit. I mean I’m getting pretty good at it. Rachel: Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle-toes. Joey: Hey-hey, hold on, this isn’t some kind of like girly dance. All right, it’s like a sport, it’s manly! Monica: All right, then show me some manly moves. Joey: All right. (They both get up and Monica expects Joey to take the lead, but he doesn’t, and they fumble around for a little bit.) Joey: I don’t know how to lead. [Scene: Ross and Chandler’s bank, they are there to close their accounts.] Ross: Hello. Chandler: Hi. Ross: We’d like to close our accounts. Bank Officer: Close your accounts? Is there some kind of problem? Ross: No-no. Chandler: No, we’d just like to close them. Bank Officer: Okay, Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. (to a beautiful woman) Would you come over here please? Ms. Lambert: Hi, I’m Karen. Chandler: I wanna quit the bank! [Scene: Healing Hands, Inc., Phoebe is giving Rick a massage.] Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Okay, baseball. Rick, playing baseball. Okay, slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little… Oh no—wait no, no! No! Okay, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. Umm, okay, on a plate, maybe Rick’s pants come down a little. No! No! Okay, Chandler! Okay Chandler, ooh, that’s working. (The camera zooms in on the clock on the wall and it reads a quarter after one. Time lapse. The clock now reads 3:30, and Phoebe is still giving Rick his massage.) Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Chandler’s knees. Chandler’s… ankles. Chandler’s ankle hair. (notices the clock) Oh no. (to Rick) Okay, you’re all set. Rick: Oh wow! That was amazing, was that really just an hour?! Phoebe: Yeah! In… really long hour world. Rick: What? Phoebe: Ugh, okay, I have an enormous crush on you. But because you’re a client, I can’t ask you out, even though you give me y’know, the feeling. Rick: Wow! I had no idea! But you know, I could always find another masseuse. Phoebe: Really?! Rick: Yeah, really. (They start to kiss, then Rick stops suddenly.) Phoebe: What? Rick: Suddenly, I very aware that I’m naked. Phoebe: (laughs) Okay, quit down. (they start to kiss again) (Suddenly, Phoebe’s boss, Mrs. Potter, and a client, Mr. Simon, enters.) Mrs. Potter: Mr. Simon’s been waiting for—(sees Phoebe and Rick) Oh my God! Mr. Simon: Why wasn’t I offered that? I’d definitely pay more for that. Mrs. Potter: Phoebe, we have rules here, this isn’t that kind of place. Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isn’t what it looks like, ‘cause Rick is my ahh, husband. Mrs. Potter: Oh really? Well, then you’d better tell his other wife, ‘cause she called three times asking where he is. Phoebe: Yes, I will tell her. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are telling Joey, Rachel, and Monica of their bank woes.] Monica: So you didn’t leave the bank? Ross: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account. Rachel: What are you ever gonna use that for?! Chandler: To pay for the gym. (Phoebe enters) Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! So I had a great day, Rick and I really h*t it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore. Joey: What?! Rachel: You got fired?! Monica: Oh my Gosh! Phoebe: It’s so weird, I have never been fired from anything before! Rachel: Sweety... Phoebe: I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, y’know? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these policemen, thought I was a whore too. It’s been a really bad day, whore wise. (There’s a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.) Mr. Treeger:: Hey Duck, is Chick here? Chandler: Yeah… Bunny-rabbit. Joey: (To Mr. Treeger) So you ah, ready for our last practice? Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, but y’know, I think the reason we’re not getting that spin right is because my apartment’s too small. Joey: Look, you wanna use our place? Mr. Treeger:: No, I ahh, had another idea. [Cut to the roof, where Joey and Mr. Treeger are dancing happily to ^Night and Day^.] Joey: We did it!! Mr. Treeger:: I know, we did it!! Hey, that was incredible, huh?! Joey: I know, it was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful. Mr. Treeger:: Thank you, listen, thanks a lot Tribbiani, (checks watch). Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball. Joey: Oh well, okay, good luck. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Joey: Unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango? Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, thanks but no. You see I-I think I’m ready to dance with girls. Joey: Okay. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Joey: Go get ‘em Treeger. Mr. Treeger:: Right. (Starts to leave) Hey, ahh, you wanna come? Marge has a girlfriend. Joey: (intrigued) Really? Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, you could dance real good with her, she’s the same size as me. Joey: No, I’m good. (Treeger leaves, and Joey’s dances off.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Lara and Jeni’s Massage, Phoebe is interviewing for a job.] Interviewer: So it looks like you’ve got some great experience here. Let’s see ahh, reason for leaving last job? Phoebe: Yeah, they thought I was a whore. Interviewer: Okay, we’ll give a call if anything comes up. Phoebe: Great! Thank you very much. (The interviewer watches her leave with an ‘Oh my goodness’ face.) END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x04 - The One With The Ballroom Dancing"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, the gng's all there. Ross has a slip of paper that he throws on the ground tying to get Rachel's attention.] Ross: (picking up the slip of paper) Hello! What's this? Oh right its that girl's phone number. (Rachel ignores him) Yeah-yeah, there it is, just a phone number a really hot girl gave me. (He holds it so that Rachel can see it, she continues to ignore him) It's no big deal, I mean it is her home phone number, but...(Rachel still ignores him) Whoa! (Throws it in her lap) Whoa-whoops, I almost lost this baby! Yeah, the lovely Amanda gives me her number and I-I go and drop it. (He waves it in front of Rachel's face. Then suddenly Phoebe has to sneeze and Rachel quickly grabs the slip of paper and gives it to Phoebe for her to sneeze into.) Phoebe: Thank you. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, the next morning. Chandler, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.] gn: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? gn: When's your birthday? Rachel: May fifth, why? gn: Oh, I-I'm just making a list of people's birthdays. Ross: Oh, mine's December... gn: Yeah, whatever. (Walks away) (Chandler is talking to Monica and notices a beautiful woman.) Chandler: Ohh, she's pretty. Pretty ahh, pretty girl, the pretty--she's pretty. Monica: Just go up to her and ask her out. (Chandler laughs) Oh, what's the worst thing that could happen? Chandler: I could die. Ross: Yeah, it's-it's tough being single. That's why I'm so glad I found Amanda. Rachel: Ross, you guys went out once. You took your kids to Chucky Cheese, and you didn't even kiss her. (Ross glares at Chandler.) Chandler: I tell people secrets. It makes them like me. Phoebe: (entering) Oh. Chandler: Hey! (Phoebe sneezes) Monica: Phoebe! You're sick, you shouldn't play. You should just go home, get in bed, and stay there. Phoebe: (in a nasally voice, from her cold) But I'm unemployed, my music is all I really have now. Well music, and making my own shoes. (She puts her shoe on the table, and it's horribly decorated) Pretty, huh? (Sneezes) Chandler: All right, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna get sht down. Any advice? Monica: Just be yourself. But, not too much. Chandler: (gets up) (softly) Wish me luck. Ross: (loudly) Good luck! Chandler: Wish it! (To the woman, Kathy, he likes) Hi. Hi, I-I was just sitting over there, and uhh, Chandler. My name is Chandler. Did I say that? Kathy: No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Kathy. Chandler: Uh Kathy, with K or a C? Kathy: With a K. Chandler: Oh-oh-hey! Kathy: Wow! You are really good at this. Chandler: Hey, come on, give me a break, I'm out on a limb here. Kathy: I'm sorry, you're right, I apologize, but I should tell you that I'm waiting for a date. (Joey enters) Oh, and there he is now. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Hey, hey-hey, hey. (Joey kisses Kathy.) Joey: Hey, I see you guys already met, huh? Chandler: Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth. Joey: Didn't I tell ya? Always showin' off. Phoebe: Before I start, I just wanna say that umm, I have a cold, so if I sneeze in the middle of song, it's not on purpose. Oh, except the last verse of Pepper People. (Starts to sing) Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? (Stops singing) This chick sounds good. (Singing) Smelly cat, smelly--(stops singing) Hey gn, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is walking into the living room having just gotten up in the middle of the night.] Chandler: (sees Kathy is up watching TV) Hi! Kathy: Hi. Chandler: Jeez, at 2:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to have to fight over the remote. Kathy: I'm sorry, it's just this Ernie Cofax thing on in a few minutes I wanted to watch. Chandler: Oh my God! That's why I got up too! Kathy: You're kidding! Oh, I love him. Chandler: Hey, listen, I'm sorry about this afternoon, y'know, if I would've known you guys were... I never would've... Kathy: Oh please! Chandler: So ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class. Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had us making out. Chandler: That's a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse with him. Kathy: (laughs) Oh-oh-oh-oh! Chandler: Is it on? Kathy: No, but this wonder broom is amazing! Chandler: Hey! (Runs over and gets his wonder broom) Kathy: Oh my God! Chandler: Oh! It's on! It's on! (Chandler jumps into the canoe and sits down. The chick starts chirping and Chandler reaches down to pick him up.) Chandler: There we go little fella. Kathy: (laughs) What about the duck? Chandler: Well the duck can swim. Kathy: Oh, jeez. (Hits him) [Scene: Central Perk, the next night, Phoebe is finishing up her set.] Phoebe: (singing, drunk) My sticky shoes, my sticky-sticky shoes, why do you stick on me, ba-a-by! Thanks for the lights honey. All: Way to go, Phoebe! Monica: That cold makes you sound so great. Phoebe: It's fun, God I love how sexy I am. (Coughs really loudly.) Joey: Oh, Kath, we should get going. We're going to by hamsters. All: Ooh, that's great, I love those little guys. Kathy: No, no, it's not like that. I, I work for a medical researcher. Rachel: Well, have fun! Kathy: Okay. Phoebe: Well, I think it's great that the medical community is finally trying to help sick hamsters. Monica: Y'know what, I like Kathy. Chandler: Oh yeah, me too, she's so cool and pretty. Rachel: Yeah, she's... Chandler: She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about--what? Rachel: You love her. Monica: Chandler: No, I don't. Phoebe: Yes, you do. Chandler loves Kathy. Ross: Come on, Pheebs lay off him. Chandler: Thank you, Ross. Ross: Yeah, he's a little sensitive right now, `cause he's so in love. Chandler: All right. All: Ohh! Chandler: All right. Monica: (turning around and doing that, "I'm making out with someone," thing with her hands) Ooh, umm, oh Kathy! Kathy, I love you! Oh! (She turns around and sees gn staring at her and stops suddenly.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are there.] Phoebe: So, I need to write some depressing stuff to go along with my new floozy voice, but nothing that sad has ever really happened to me. Monica: Oh umm, how about your mom dying, or having to live on the streets when you were 14? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, I could write about the time my hair did that "Woo-hoo" thing. Ross: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Ross: (loudly) So I'm going over to Amanda's tonight! Monica: Rachel's not here. Ross: Oh. Monica: How's it going with her? Ross: Great, actually. I'm thinking tonight, maybe the night. Yeah, I mean ah, the kids are gonna play together and then when they're asleep, I'm thinking Amanda and I break open a bottle of wine, and do a little "playing" ourselves. Rachel: (entering, with a guy) Hi guys! This is Josh. Josh, these are my friends, and that's Ross. Monica: Hi, Josh. Phoebe: Hi. Josh: Dudes. Monica: So, did you play in college? (She points to his NYU Soccer (football for the rest of the world) sweatshirt he's wearing.) Josh: Oh, I still do. Next year, I hope to make varsity though. Rachel: Ross, didn't you ah, play soccer in High School? Oh no wait, that's right. You just organized their game schedules on your Commodore 64. Josh: Well, it's getting late, I've got to get to the game, so I'm gonna... head. Rachel: Okay. (He starts to leave, and Rachel grabs him and gives him a passionate kiss.) I'll miss you. Josh: Dope! (exits) Phoebe: Wow, cute one! Monica: Very! Rachel: I know, isn't he great? It's so nice to finally be in a fun relationship, y'know? There's nothing boring about him, and ah, I bet he's never set foot in a museum. Ross: Well maybe he'll get to go soon, like on a class trip or something. Rachel: Y'know what else is really great about him, oh, what is the word for the adult that doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom? Ross: Oh! (He bangs his fists together.) Rachel: What was that? Ross: Monica knows. Monica: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up `cause he was trying to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger, without actually having to give it. I remember I cried the night you made it up, `cause it was the first time that I realized that I was actually cooler than my older brother. Ross: Well, I'm gonna go get ready, (Gives Monica the fist thing.) for my date tonight, so ah, I'll just_ head. Phoebe: Yeah, I should go to, `cause I'm playing in one hour. Hey, (clears her voice and in her normal voice) you guys should come hear me, ooh hear me. Ooh, (tries to sing) My sticky shoes--eww! Eww! I lost my sexy phlegm! [Scene: Amanda's apartment, Ross is arriving with Ben.] Amanda: (opening the door) Hi! Ross: Hi! Amanda: Hi Ben! Ross: Wow! You-you look great! Amanda: Thanks! Ross: (she lets him in) Okay! (to her son) Hey Tommy. Amanda: I am so glad that you could come over tonight. Ross: Oh no-no-no, it's my pleasure. Amanda: Okay, well, my cell phone number is right here on the counter, please help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ross: What? Amanda: I appreciate this soo much, I've been trying to go out with this guy for like a month. Ross: I-I-I... Amanda: (noticing the bottle of wine he has) Oh, I don't mean to be a square, but I'd really appreciate it if you wait and drink your wine after the kids are asleep? Oh uh, thanks for this, I hope I can do the same for you sometime. (She leaves) Ross: Who wants to make some long distance calls? [Scene: A street, Chandler is buying a newspaper and notices Kathy running by.] Chandler: Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! (She doesn't hear him and keeps running, Chandler starts chasing her as the theme to The Mod Squad starts to play. First, a car almost hits him and then gets mustard splashed on him as he runs by a hot dog vendor.) Kathy! (He keeps running and gets tangled up in the leashes of five dogs, in desperation he throws his paper.) Fetch! Fetch it! (He frees himself and resumes the chase) Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! (He now trips and falls into a pile of garbage, he tries to get up and scream her name again but he has a piece of spinach in his mouth. He gets out of the garbage and starts crossing the street by running over the hoods of a couple of cabs.) Kathy! (He jumps in front of her and out of breath he says) Kathy. Kathy: Hey, Chandler! What are you doing here? Chandler: Oh, I just wanted to say, "Hey!" Kathy: Hey! Chandler: Okay. (He walks away disgusted with himself.) COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Monica about his new baby sitting job.] Monica: Oh come on! You're making it sound worse than it actually was. Ross: Her date tipped me ten dollars. (Monica laughs) (Phoebe runs into the kitchen with wet hair, opens the window, and sticks her head outside.) Ross: Pheebs, what are you doing? Phoebe: Okay, I wanna be sexy again so I'm trying to catch a cold. It should be easy, supposedly they're pretty common. Monica: Phoebe, you'll catch pneumonia. Chandler: (entering) Okay. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend. Phoebe: What?! Ross: Are you serious? Phoebe: Well, how-how-how is that possible? You barely know her! Chandler: I don't know. I can't--I just, I can't get her out of my head. Y'know? I mean, I'm a very bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a horrible person. (he waits for a reaction, when he doesn't get one) No you're not Chandler! We still love you Chandler! Monica: (sneezes) Oh gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold. Phoebe: You mean you stole it! (Monica sneezes again) Don't cover your mouth when you do that! (Joey and Kathy enter, laughing) Joey: Hey. Kathy: (to Chandler) We were just talking about you. Chandler: Really?! Joey: Yeah-yeah, I told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the toilet. Chandler: (laughs) Right in there! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with the chick and the duck.] Chandler: 99...100! Ready or not, here I come! (He opens his eyes and sees that the chick and the duck are still sitting in front of him) All right, let's go over the concept one more time. Joey: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey guys. (to Chandler) Listen uh, you wanna get some dinner with me and Kathy tonight? Chandler: Ohh, umm, y'know what, I already ate. Joey: It's 4:30. Chandler: Y'know I had a big meal on Monday, y'know. So that's just gonna get me straight through the week. Joey: Okay, I see what's going on here. Chandler: You-you do? Joey: Yeah! You don't like Kathy. Chandler: You got me. Joey: Yeah, you've been avoiding her ever since we started going out. Look, I made an effort to like Janice, now I think it's your turn to make an effort to like Kathy by going out to dinner with us. Right? Chandler: Yeah. Right. Joey: Good, and hey! My treat. (He turns to go into his bedroom then stops.) But that's only because you're not eating anything, right? Chandler: Okay. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from a date with Josh, and when they get the door open, Rachel turns and passionately kisses Josh.] Monica: (lying on the couch suffering from her cold) Ross isn't here. Rachel: Oh. (She tries to walk away from Josh, by he keeps holding her) Stop it! Josh: So I'll see you at the party? Beer's beer man, 24, 7!! Rachel: Yeah! (Monica gives a sarcastic thumbs up) (Josh leaves) I am soo gonna marry that guy. (looking in her wallet) Ohhh! Monica: What? Rachel: I think he's stealing from me. Monica: Why? Rachel: Because he's stealing from me! Phoebe: (entering) Hi! It's me. And soup. (to Rachel) Hey, I just saw Josh, he looks so yummy in your leather jacket. Rachel: Ughh! (Storms out after him) Phoebe: (to Monica) Here, now I don't eat chicken, so it's just noodle soup. And there's no chicken in the broth either, so it's really just... noodle water. Monica: Thank you so much Phoebe. Phoebe: (picking up Monica's used Kleenex and putting some in her pocket.) Sure. Monica: What are you doing with those?! Phoebe: But, I need your germs! I want my cold back! I miss my sexy voice. Monica: Sorry, Phoebe. Phoebe: It's okay. How's the soup? Monica: Umm. (nodding her head, "Good.") (Monica sets the soup down and Phoebe picks it up and licks the rim.) Monica: Ohhhh!! Gross!! [Scene: A nightclub, Chandler is having dinner with Kathy and Joey.] Kathy: Ohh, God, guys, check it out, you can see that girl's underwear! Joey: Is she great or what? Kathy: (to Chandler) So? Huh? What do you think? Chandler: Ohh, she's-she's not really my type. Kathy: Not your type?! She's gorgeous! Chandler: Y'know what I think it is? It's the fishnet stockings. Y'know? Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in fishnet stockings. Kathy: Okay. Understanding a little more why you're single. Ohh! Y'know, I have a friend you would like, she's really pretty. And then we could double date! Chandler: Uhh, no-no thanks. Kathy: Okay, I've got some ugly friends, and they're all available too. Chandler: Listen, I-I'm gonna grab a beer. (Leaves) Joey: (to Kathy) I'll be right back. (to Chandler) What was that? Chandler: What? Joey: Kathy was being really nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal. Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want from me? Joey: I want you to like her! But if that's too damned difficult for you, then the least you can do is pretend. Chandler: I am pretending. Joey: Well then, do it better! Chandler: Okay, what do you saw I go over there and say how much I like her? (Joey gives him a thumbs up) No-no it'll be good, I can tell her much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment I met her. That I'm so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!! Joey: Well, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there.] Ross: (entering) Hey! So, uhh, Amanda just-just dropped me off. Yeah, that's one of the things I love about her, she's...uh, she's old enough to drive. (to Monica) So uhh, I guess you're not going to mom and dad's tonight? Monica: No, sorry. Rachel: Well where's Amanda? Monica: Hey Rach, could you get me some cough drops? Rachel: I mean y'know, I'm thinking. You could bring her, and you guys could go up to your old room, and not make out. Monica: Ross, cough drops, please? Ross: At least I know she's not going out with me to get into R rated movies. Rachel: Why don't you just marry her? Oh no, wait a minute you can't, I'm sorry I forgot, she's not a lesbian. Ross: You see Amanda and I have a very special... Monica: (interrupting) You have nothing! You're not even going out! You're her baby sitter! You have a 12-year-old girl's job! Rachel: (laughing) Ohh, that is soo sad. Monica: And what are you laughing at, Miss `My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is-stealing-from-me!' (Ross starts laughing) Rachel: Hey, so he stole a couple bucks from me! At least he bought me something with it! (Shows her, her ring) Monica: That's mine!! Now, would you both please start acting like adults? And get me my cough drops! Ross: Fine. Rachel: Sorry. Ross: Here. (Hands her, her cough drops) (to Rachel) At least I made ten bucks in my relationship. Rachel: Y'know... (She does Ross's little gesture. In response Ross puts his hands behind his neck with his arms sticking straight out and starts flapping them together.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her guitar.] Phoebe: (singing) Platting goats are platting. Platting down the street. Platting goats are platting, leaving little treats. (to gn) Does it even work without my sexy voice? gn: I like it. (sneezes) Phoebe: gn, kiss me. gn: What? (Phoebe grabs gn and kisses him. He then falls to the couch in shock.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV as Joey and Kathy are laughing in Joey's bedroom. They get to be pretty loud so Chandler turns the TV way up.] Joey: (opening the door wearing nothing but a sock, and holding a dart board over the `Little General.') Hey! (Chandler turns down the TV) Now, we're not actually gonna be sleeping in her, but do you mind? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, with a blanket draped over her shoulders, opens the door to a similarly clad Chandler.] Chandler: Can I sleep on your couch? (Monica nods `Yes.' And they both walk to the couch looking all depressed.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing, with everyone else present.] Phoebe: (singing) And I'm still waiting for my paper mache man. Thank you my babies. (applause) gn: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. gn: I don't know if you heard about what happened between me and Phoebe the other day_ Rachel: No! gn: Well, we kissed. I-I-I didn't initiate the kiss, but-but I also didn't stop it, and I've been feeling guilty. Rachel: (confused) Okay. gn: So umm, are we cool? Rachel: (really confused) Okay. gn: I knew you'd understand. (g*n walks away, leaving Rachel with a `What just happened?' look on her face.) END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x05 - The One With Joey's New Girlfriend"}	foreverdreaming
Written by Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by Darcy and Julie Partridge [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and a beautiful blonde (Cheryl) are standing outside. The rest of the gng is watching from inside.] Cheryl: So, thank you for the delicious dinner. Ross: You're welcome for a delicious dinner. [inside] Phoebe: Hey what are you guys looking at? Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world. Phoebe: Yeah, come to papa. [Cheryl walks away and Ross walks inside. Everyone stares at him in disbelief.] Ross: I know! Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her? Chandler: Where did you, when did you, how did you... (Joey hits the back of Chandler's head) How did you get a girl like that? Rachel: Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what? Ross: Actually she's a paleontology doctoral candidate, specializing in the centazoic era. Chandler: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era. Ross: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow. Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek. Ross: Fine by me; hope she wins. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hi. You guys have any wrapping paper? Phoebe: Oo! Is it for my birthday present? Chandler: Phebes, it was your birthday, like, months ago. Phoebe: Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasn't come yet? Chandler: Well, I have a call in about that. Phoebe: 'Kay. Chandler: Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her favorite book. Rachel: Oh, The Velveteen Rabbit! Oh my God, when the boy's love makes the rabbit real! Chandler: Okay, but don't touch it, because you fingers have destructive oils. Rachel: Huh. Well, then you'd better keep it away from Ross's hair. So this is pretty rare. How did you get that? Chandler: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren. Rachel: Oh, honey, that's so sweet. Phoebe: Yeah, and what a great way to say, "I secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend!" Chandler: It doesn't say that. Does it? Ross: How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange? Chandler: Okay, all right, I'll just uh, make sure that uh, Joey gets her something really great. Phoebe: It's gotta be better than that book. Oo! Like a crossbow! Monica: (Entering from her bedroom, talking on the phone) Yeah, once again, I am sorry. Thank you. Bye. (To the gng) I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for sixty people. Rachel: Oh my God! What happened? Monica: Sixty guests. Ross: So, uh, why did you have to turn it down? Monica: Because I don't have the money or the equipment to handle something that big on such short notice. I mean there's no way. Phoebe: Wow, what is with all the negativity? You sound like Monican't , not Monican... (Monica looks almost puzzled) ...Monica. Look, you know, you have been playing around with this catering thing for over three years. Do you want to be a caterer or not? Monica: I don't know. Phoebe: There you go, that's the spirit! Okay! Now, if you need money, I will lend you money, but just get moving! Monica: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and stuff. Phoebe: Okay! It's worth it, if it will get you moving. You haven't worked in months. Monica: Well, you're not working either. Phoebe: Yes, but I'm doing this. Monica: Yeah, that'd be great! Thank you! [Joey enters] Joey: Hey! Everyone: Hey. Kathy: Can I borrow the keys to your apartment? Joey: Why? [Kathy whispers something in Joey's ear] Joey: You can pee here! Kathy: Ahahaha... haha.. yes I can, of course. Excuse me. Chandler: It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. (Kathy goes into the bathroom.) Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday? Joey: We've only been going out for a couple of weeks, do you think I gotta get her something? Everyone: Yeah! Rachel: Yes, you have to get her something, and it should be something really nice. Joey: Oh, I know... Rachel: And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love." [cut to a new scene, also in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting, Phoebe is nearby.] Phoebe: Ooo, a crossword! Can I help? Rachel: No! I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last week I got all but three answers and I really want to finish a whole one without any help. Phoebe: Fine. But you can't help me develop my new universal language. [Monica enters] Monica: Hey! Rachel: Hey, how'd it go? Monica: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrow--the dad-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident! Phoebe: Mon! I'm so happy for you! Monica: Thanks. Like, check out my new catering stuff. (Picks up two frying pans) Look at this! I'm an omelet station! Omelet? Made to order! Phoebe: I'll have one, please. Plus my money. Monica: Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you needed it back right away. I mean, you told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I... I used it to buy all this stuff. But look--I've got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with the money I make from that. Phoebe: Oh. Okay. Oo, sorry I acted like a bank. Monica: Okay. [Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Ross and Cheryl are kissing] Ross: (moved by the kiss) Huh... Cheryl: Um, would you like to come in? Ross: Did hm-erectus hunt with wooden tools? Cheryl: According to recent findings! [They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.] Cheryl: (throwing food around the room) Here Mitzi! Here Mitzi! Ross: Mitzi is..... Cheryl: My hamster. I hope she's okay, I haven't seen her in a while. Have a seat. Ross: (mouths "where?") Uh... Oh hey, do you, uh (steps on some garbage and falters) ...do you have any, um, Cinnamon Fruit Toasties? Cheryl: What? Ross: Well, I do! Why don't we go back to my place, light a couple of candles, break open a box of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties, uh... Cheryl: I'd rather not. Ross: Oh, yeah, why not? Cheryl: Okay, um, don't take this the wrong way, but your place kinda has a weird smell. [Scene: A kitchen where Phoebe and Monica are finishing up a catering job] Monica: Oh, is everything in the car? Phoebe: Yes. Did you settle the bill? Monica: No. I hate this part. Phoebe: Oh, look what we almost left. (Picks up a coffee maker) Monica: No, that's not mine. Phoebe: Oh, all right. Oh! Look what we almost took! [cut to the living room of the same dwelling, where the funeral guests are mingling. Monica enters.] Monica: Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart? Well, we're all cleaned up in the kitchen. Mrs. Burkart: Oh, good. Thank you. Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of... Mrs. Burkart: Dear? Monica: Just the matter of ...payment? Mrs. Burkart: (in grief) Jack used to handle the finances! (Breaks into tears) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the couch still doing the crossword. Chandler is in the kitchen.] Rachel: You know what we should all do? Go see a musical. Chandler: (confused) Sure... Rachel: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one? Chandler: I don't know... um, Grease? Rachel: No.... Chandler: Rent? Rachel: Yes! Rent! Chandler: Okay, so when do you want to go? Rachel: What? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy. Joey: (entering the apartment) Hey. Man, it is so hard to shop for girls. Chandler: Yes, it is, at Office Max. Rachel: What did you get her? (Joey opens up a rectangular black box and holds up a pen.) Chandler: A pen. Joey: It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a clock! Huh? Chandler: Huh-huh! You can't give her that. Joey: Why not? Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah! Rachel: Okay, honey, what he means by that, is ...while this is a very nice gift, maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives? Joey: Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's writing, she turns it over.... "Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!" Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday? Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out. Chandler: For three years? Joey: (whining and heading toward the door) Look, it's too late, and I got an audition. I can't shop anymore! I... Chandler: All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay? Joey: Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it, could you get her a card? Chandler: Would you like me to write her a little poem as well? Joey: Or... just get a card that has a poem already in it. [Scene: Back in the kitchen at the funeral. Phoebe is there, Monica enters.] Phoebe: But Mon, you have to get our money! Monica: Oh, Phoebe, she couldn't stop crying! With those thick glasses, her tears looked giant. Phoebe: I know, it's tough. You know what the first thing I did after my mother's funeral was? Monica: What? Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!" Monica: Okay. So what do you.... you think she's faking? Phoebe: Well, it seems like there weren't any tears 'til you showed her the bill. Monica: Phoebe, she sounded pretty upset to me. [cut to the living room where Mrs. Burkart is now performing.] Mrs. Burkart: (singing) You're a grand ol' flag, you're a high-flying flag, and forever in peace may you wave.... Phoebe: She seems fine now. Mrs. Burkart: (singing) ...emblem of the land I love. The home of.... COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are standing and talking, Ross is tying a tie.] Joey: So, you just left? Her place was really that bad? Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Joey: Yeah. Ross: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! (Ross takes the loosely tied tie off and hands it to Joey who puts it on.) Here. Joey: Wow. Thanks. So, uh, what happened? Ross: What do you mean? Nothing happened! I had to get out of there. Joey: All right, so... next time, you take her to your place. Ross: No, I tried that. She says it has a weird smell. Joey: What kind of smell? Ross: I don't know. Soap? Joey: All right, listen, Ross... you like this girl, right? Ross: Yeah. Joey: You wanna see her again, right? Ross: Yeah. Joey: So you're gonna have to do it in the mess! Ross: Yeah, okay you're right. Joey: Yeah. Ross: I mean, uh, who... who cares about a little sloppiness? Joey: Yeah! Ross: It's, uh... it's endearing, really. Joey: All right! Now you go get that beautiful pig! (Ross hesitates, looks unsure) Oink! [Scene: Monica and Rachel, Rachel is there, Chandler enters.] Chandler: Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit. Rachel: Any luck? Chandler: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called "Invisible things for Kathy." (Motions to an imaginary pile of presents next to him.) Can you give me a hand with all this stuff? Rachel: All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen. Chandler: She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is I want her to have it, even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her. Rachel: Aw, honey, that's so sweet. Chandler: Yeah? You don't think it's just pathetic? Rachel: Oh! Pathetic! (Grabs the crossword puzzle and starts writing.) Joey: (entering) Hey! I'm meeting Kathy in ten minutes! I've been looking all over for you! Chandler: Where? Joey: Our place, the hall! I... Chandler: I got something for her. (Joey picks up the package, shakes it next to his ear, can't hear anything, switches ears, shakes it again.) It's a book! Joey: (Unimpressed) A book? (Suddenly interested) Is it like a book that's also a safe? Chandler: No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay? Joey: You got it. Thanks man. Thanks for doing this, I owe you one. (Joey leaves, comes back in.) Oh, hey! There wasn't any change from that twenty, was there? Chandler: No, it came out to an even twenty. Joey: Wow. That's almost as much as a new book. [Scene: In the living room at the funeral] Mrs. Burkart: (singing) Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those eyes? [cut to Monica and Phoebe in the kitchen] Phoebe: You didn't get the money, did you? Monica: Maybe I can try at intermission? Phoebe, come on... you know what? Let's just go! Phoebe: No! Hey, we're not leaving until we get paid! I don't know who she thinks she is! Enough is enough! (Phoebe goes into the living room.) Hey, widow? Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) Come on along and listen to... Phoebe: Okay, Widow! Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) ...the lullabye of... Phoebe: Excuse me. Excuse me! (Mrs. Bukart stops singing) Thanks. Um, clearly this is a very, very hard time for you. Um, but, um, we provided a service, and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service, and, um, we are not leaving here until we're paid every penny. 'Cause you know what, lady? We're part time caterers, and we have no place else to go. Mrs. Burkart: All right. I'll get my bag. Phoebe: Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into the other room, leaving Monica with everyone staring at her.) Monica: I'm gonna leave some cards here. Please think of us for you next event. [Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment.] Cheryl: So you want to come inside? Ross: (mustering up courage) Yes. Yes I do. (They go inside.) Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a place for his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then ht sits on the couch. Something falls on him from above and he brushes his neck off frantically.) Cheryl: (sneaking up behind Ross) Guess who? Ross: Department of Sanitation? Cheryl: It's me! Ross: Oh! (She kisses him) Ah. (They kiss more, and move down onto the couch. Ross's hand moves under some garbage) Aw! (His hand is covered with something brown and gooey.) Cheryl: What? Ross: (trying to make his disgust into lust) Ah, Cheryl! Cheryl: Oh, Ross! [They sit up, moaning in excitement, and Cheryl straddles Ross. Ross finds a slice of bologna and moans higher and louder, then a bag of potato chips on the coffee table starts to move. Ross throws Cheryl off his lap, grabs a tennis racket and a toilet brush and starts pounding the bag.] Cheryl: Wait! No! No! It's my hamster! It's Mitzi! Ross: Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I must have freaked out. Cheryl: (looking in the bag) Oh, thank god, it's not Mitzi. It's just a rat. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch alone. gn is there, going into the back room.] Rachel: I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug! [From the background we hear a crash and gn comes running out of the back room, pushing people aside, reaching for Rachel.] gn: Move! [gn slips and falls just before reaching the back of the couch. Monica and Phoebe come into Central Perk.] Rachel: Hey! Hey, you guys, I finished the crossword all by myself! Hug me! [g*n gets up slowly from behind the couch and walks away sadly] Phoebe: Uh... yay! Rachel: Thanks! Monica: Oh, that's great! Congratulations! Rachel: Thank you! Hey, how'd the catering go? Monica: Oh, it was great! The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she did. Phoebe: Yeah. I'm a hard ass. Monica: And I'm a wuss. And we should be partners. Phoebe: Yeah. Hard Ass and Wuss. We could fight crime! Monica: Wait a minute, Phoebe! We should be partners. We should be catering partners. I mean, think about it! You're not working right now, and we have such a great time together! Phoebe: Okay! Monica: I can cook and you can take care of the money. Phoebe: Yeah. Oh! It'll be like I have a wife in the fifties! Both: (screaming with excitement) Aah! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is there, Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey, how'd it go? How'd she like the gift? Joey: Oh, man, she loved it! She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now. Chandler: Oh yeah? That's great! Joey: Hey, listen, I gotta tell ya, I feel kinda bad taking credit for this, because man, am I gonna get a lot of credit for this! Chandler: [nodding, with mixed feelings] Aahhuuhhh.... [Kathy enters] Kathy: Hey. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Happy birthday. Kathy: Thank you! Joey: You know, uh... [Joey moves the pen case out onto the counter.] Chandler got you a gift, too. Chandler: No he didn't. [Moving it back.] Joey: Yeah, he did, look... look, it's right there on the counter! Ha-ho-ho! Chandler: Happy birthday! I'm sorry. Kathy: You really didn't have to. (Opens the box) Wow. Chandler: See, you think it's just a pen, but then you turn it over and it's also a clock. Kathy: Yeah. No, this is great. Thank you, Chandler. (They hug). Chandler: Oh, yeah... yeah. Joey: Ah. Hm. (To Kathy) Wanna go to bed? Kathy: I'll be in in a minute. Joey: Oh, uh... don't forget your coupon. (Tries to strike a sexy pose up against the doorway to his room. Then goes inside). Chandler: [to Kathy] Goodnight. Kathy: Um, thank you for the gift. Chandler: Oh, uh, yeah... I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time. Kathy: No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you for the book. Chandler: Uh, the book? Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit. I kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it. Chandler: What do you mean? Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like Rabbits, and I know ya like cheese." Thanks. I love it. And I know how hard it must have been for you to find. Chandler: (tongue-tied) Uhl..ell. By the way, in case you missed that, that sound was, "Uhl, ell." Kathy: You must really like... Joey... to go to all that trouble for him. Chandler: Oh, yeah, he's my... he's my best friend. Kathy: Well.... Chandler: Goodnight. (Goes to his room.) Joey: (opening bedroom door) Hey, that coupon expires, you know. COMMERCIAL BREAK [ending credits scene: outside Cheryl's apartment, Monica knocks on Cheryl's door] Monica: Hi. Uh, you... you don't know me, I'm Monica Geller... Ross's sister. Cheryl: Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, that's too bad that didn't work out. Monica: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it? [Cheryl shrugs, shuts the door, looking puzzled] Monica: No? [Monica looks around the hallway, pulls out a sponge and starts scrubbing the door frame.] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x06 - The One With The Dirty Girl"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Adam Chase Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey and Chandler are there eating breakfast.] Chandler: (entering in a bathrobe) I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked! It was like trture! Ross: Y'know if we ever go to wr and you’re captured, you’re in for a big surprise. Chandler: It just keeps getting worse and worse! Y'know? I mean it’s bad enough that I’m in love with my roommates girlfriend—which by the way, I think she knows. Because every time we’re in the room together there’s this weird like energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I have seen her naked. I mean at least when I’ve seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her body was like covered in boles or something. But there are no boles, she’s smooth! Smooth! (leaves) (Pause) Phoebe: Wow! Could everyone totally see up his robe? All: Yeah! Oh my God! OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting a phone number from a woman (Casey) as Chandler watches from the doorway.] Casey: Here you go. Joey: Great! All right, so I’ll call you later. Casey: Great! (leaves) Chandler: (rushing up) Hey-Hey-Hey! Who was that? Joey: That would be Casey. We’re going out tonight. Chandler: Goin’ out, huh? Wow! Wow! (Does a little celebration dance) So things didn’t work out with Kathy, huh? Bummer. Joey: No, things are fine with Kathy. I’m having a late dinner with her tonight, right after my early dinner with Casey. Chandler: (shocked) What? Joey: Yeah-yeah. And the craziest thing is that I just ate a whole pizza by myself! (Laughs) Chandler: Wait! You’re going out with Kathy! Joey: Yeah. Why are you getting so upset? Chandler: Well, I’m upset—for you. I mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you. (He can’t believe he just sad that.) Joey: What is the big deal? It’s not like we’re exclusive. Chandler: Look, Joey, Kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. But Casey, I mean granted I only saw the back of her head, but I got this sense that she’s-she’s smart, and funny, and gets you. Joey: You got all that from the back of her head? Chandler: All right look, I think it’s time for you to settle down. Y'know? Make a choice, pick a lane. Joey: Who’s Elaine? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are sitting on the couch playing cards, and Phoebe is working on a new song.] Phoebe: (singing) "Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging on a nose hair. Swinging with the greatest of ease…" Darn it! Now, I don’t know who to get to the next verse. Ross: Oh, you could just go uh, "greatest of ease… (plays air guitar) BAH-bah-bha-bhannn." Then go right into it. Phoebe: Yeah, ooh, I like that! Yeah. Wait! How do you know about ‘bah-bah-bha-bhan?’ Ross: Well umm, y’know, I used to play. Phoebe: Oh yeah, that’s right, the keyboards, huh? Ross: Yeah, just a little in high school, but then I really got into it in college. I mean that’s-that’s when I really found my sound. (Monica is taking a drink as Ross says that, laughs, and snorts her drink.) Monica: Oh God! Orange juice just came out of my nose, but it was totally worth it. Oh my God, I completely forgot about your sound. Ross: Yeah. Monica: He used to lock himself in the basement for hours. No one was every allowed to hear, "The Sound." Phoebe: I wanna hear "The Sound." Ross: Really? No. I mean, nah, I haven’t played in so long, and-and, well it’s-it’s really personal stuff, y’know? Phoebe: Come on, play that funky music white boy. Monica: Yeah! Ross: No, you guys, I mean my keyboards are all the way up in—No, yeah, okay. (Runs out.) [Cut to later that same day, Ross has retrieved his keyboard and is about to debut, "The Sound."] Ross: Okay, guys. Chandler: All right! Bring it on, you… Ross: Here we go. (Plays one note) Y’know, I’ve-I’ve never played my stuff for anyone before, so it’s important that-that you understand it’s about communicating very private emotions. (Plays another note) Y’know, umm, you should-you should think of umm, my work as wordless sound poems. That’s what I’m… Chandler: (interrupting) Oh my God! Play! (Ross starts to play. He plays a key that has a back bat sound attached to it. Over the background music he plays the sound of a barking dog, a mooing cow, a laser beam, someone coughing, a jackhammer, a doorbell, a police siren, a ray gn, breaking dishes, and for a closer he plays the sound of a loud crash. Basically, the music sucks.) Monica: (At a loss for words) Boy, that was-that was, umm… terrific. Chandler: Really, bitchin’! Phoebe: Wow, it was so—wow! Ross: Really?! I mean, really?!! Rachel: Yeah, I mean, you should play in public! Ross: Wow! Thanks, you guys. That’s uh—ohhh, I wanna, I wanna play you another piece! Umm! Uh-oh! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on another disk. I’ll be right back! Okay? (Runs to fetch them) This is so nice, I’m—I am so… (starts to break up and leaves) Monica: Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the basement! Rachel: Oh, I can’t believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers. Phoebe: What are you guys talking about, I loved it! It was soo moving. Oh, plus it’s just, it’s so different from the stuff you usually hear. Chandler: You mean like, music? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching Yasmein Bleeth running on TV, and the duck starts quacking.] Chandler: Yeah, I know what you’re thinkin’! Yes, yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy. (There’s a knock on the door.) Chandler: Come in! Kathy: (entering) Hey! (sees what’s on TV) Oh God, is that Baywatch? Chandler: Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the articles. Kathy: So is Joey around? Chandler: No-no, he’s not back yet, but he’ll be here any minute. So uh, come on in. Have a seat. Bow or stern? Kathy: I uh, don’t really have a preference. You? Chandler: I like it in the stern. (Realizes what he just said.) …of the boat. (The phone rings, and he answers it.) (on phone) Hello. Joey: (on the other end at a pay phone) Hey, it’s me. Listen Casey and I were on our way back and had a little car trouble. Chandler: What happened? Joey: We broke down on the Parkway, so I have to walk back and get some transmission fluid. And hey, listen could you please tell Kathy that I’ll be there as soon as I can. Chandler: Why can’t you tell her? Joey: ‘Cause I only have one quarter, and I think my time is about to—(he stops talking suddenly) Chandler: Joey! Joey!! Joey: Yeah? Chandler: I thought your time ran out. Joey: Me too, but I guess I do have a couple of more—(his time runs out for real) Chandler: (to Kathy) Uhh, that was Joey. He’s running a little late, he says he’s sorry. Kathy: Oh. Chandler: So I guess it’s just uh, you and me then. Kathy: Oh, okay. Chandler: Yeah, I think it is! Kathy: So what did you do today? Chandler: Oh, I had an appointment to get my haircut… Kathy: (interrupting) Oh, it looks great! Chandler: …and then it got canceled. Kathy: Well, I could cut it. Chandler: Really?! You do that? Kathy: Yeah, I do. Of course, I learned at my aunt’s dog grooming shop, but hey, what do you say? Chandler: Dog grooming huh? Okay, just don’t make my tail too poofy. [Cut to later, Kathy is cutting Chandler’s hair.] Kathy: You have really great hair. Chandler: Well, thanks. I grow it myself. (Kathy is running her fingers through his hair, and Chandler catches himself enjoying it too much.) Y’know who also has great hair is Joey! Kathy: Yes! Yeah! Joey has great hair! Umm, I’m basically done here. Just let me get this off your neck. (Kathy leans in really close and Chandler mouths "Oh my God." She moves around in front of him and kneels at his feet.) Chandler: What-what ‘cha doin’? Kathy: Checking to see if it’s even. Chandler: ‘Kay. Kathy: Looks good. (They lean in to kiss and are interrupted by the phone.) Chandler: (jumping up to answer the phone) Oh the phone! The phone’s making sounds! (On phone) Hello! Joey: (on phone) Hey dude, it’s me. Chandler: Hey it’s Joey! Joey: Listen uh, I’m really sorry, it looks like I’m gonna be stuck here for a while. I got the transmission fluid, but when I went to put it in the car, the transmission wasn’t there! Chandler: What? Joey: Yeah, it must’ve fallen out a few blocks back. I just figured we h*t a dog. Chandler: Okay. Joey: Listen uh, could you put Kathy on, I wanna apologize. Chandler: Oh yeah man. (to Kathy) Joey. (Hands her the phone.) Kathy: (on phone) Hey. (listens) Oh no it’s fine, don’t worry about it. (listens) Yeah-no, stop apologizing, it’s okay. (listens) Yeah! I’ll talk to you tomorrow. (hangs up) (to Chandler) I should uh, probably go. Chandler: Yeah. Yes! Yeah. (Kathy leaves and Chandler groans in agony. Kathy knocks on the door and Chandler opens it.) Kathy: I forgot my purse. Chandler: Oh. (They kiss, passionately.) Kathy: No, I really did forget my purse. (They kiss again.) COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, continued from earlier. Chandler and Kathy are still kissing, then they stop suddenly.] Chandler: No-no-no-no, this is bad! It’s bad! This is bad! Kathy: Horrible! Chandler: Wait the uh, the kiss or the situation? Kathy: No-no-no, the kiss was good. Chandler: Okay! Kathy: No, but that’s bad! Chandler: Ooh! Yes! Okay! Here’s what we do, we-we forget it happened. Kathy: What?! Chandler: Okay, we-we swallow our feelings. Even if it means we’re unhappy forever. Sound good? Kathy: Can you really do that? Chandler: I have to; he’s my best friend, and you’re seeing him. Kathy: Chandler, I like Joey a lot, but with you… Chandler: (interrupting) Oh-no-no-no! Don’t! Don’t! See-see, you’re getting me confused, I’m starting to urn. Kathy: I’m sorry. If you wanna pretend that nothing happened, I can try. Chandler: I-I think we have too. Kathy: Okay. Bye. Chandler: Bye. (Kathy leaves and Chandler wonders over to and leans up against the door.) Are you still out there? Kathy: (outside the door) No. (Chandler opens the door and they kiss again.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is performing, his music hasn’t improved.] Ross: (His voice is altered to sound like a computer.) Electrifying. (He plays the sound of a ticking clock.) Emphatic time-time-time… Monica: (to Rachel and Phoebe) Y'know, there’s a Starbucks about three blocks down. Phoebe: (pushing Monica back onto the couch) It’s so inspired! Look at him! Look at him go! [cut back to Ross who finally finishes his so-called song with the same crash from before. He gets some applause, mainly ‘cause he’s done.] Ross: (with the altered voice) Thank you guys-guys-guys… Monica: (to Phoebe) Hey, aren’t you up next? Phoebe: Oh no, I’m not playing tonight. Rachel: Why not? Phoebe: I can’t follow Ross! It’d be like those bicycle ridding chimps that followed The Beetles. No. Monica: Phoebe, Ross sucks! Rachel: Phoebe, the place has emptied because of him. Phoebe: Oh my God, he’s not even appreciated in his own time. I would give anything to not be appreciated in my own time! (Rachel and Monica look at each other, and agree on something without saying anything.) Monica: Okay. Umm, Phoebe, you suck too. Rachel: Yeah, Phoebe you’re… awful! Phoebe: You guys. You suck too. (She hugs them both.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is opening the door, but Chandler has the chain on it.] Joey: Aww man! I can’t believe I locked myself out again! (He knocks on the door.) Chandler: Hang on buddy! (He goes over and unlocks the door and opens it to reveal a fully furnished apartment.) Joey: (rushing in) Oh my God! What happened here? Did you do all this? Chandler: I sure did. Joey: Why? Chandler: Well, I just thought it’d make me feel good to do something nice for my friend. Joey: Well, you’re amazing. Chandler: Oh no-no-no. This is amazing. (He goes over and presses a button on a remote control that opens the entertainment center doors revealing the TV.) Joey: (very excited) A TV as if it appears from nowhere! That’s the dream! Man, how did you afford this stuff? Chandler: Well, y’know I’m 29. I mean who needs a savings account. Joey: Oh, you are the best friends anyone has ever had. Chandler: Oh, I don’t know. Joey: Oh-no-no-no, you are! You do this, you give me the great advice, and hey listen, I was thinking about what you said yesterday about focusing on one woman, I’m gonna do that. Chandler: You mean with Casey. Joey: No-no-no, I think I’m gonna see how things go with Kathy. She’s pretty cool. Chandler: Or Casey. Joey: No-no, Kathy. Chandler: Could be Casey. Joey: No. No, Kathy. Chandler: Consider Casey. Joey: Y’know what I think? I think somebody’s got a little crush on Casey. How ‘bout I fix you two up? What do you think? Chandler: That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place! [Scene: Central Perk, Ross has just finished playing.] Ross: (to Phoebe) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! You were really great! You were really, really great! Ross: Oh, thanks, thanks. So Monica tells me that uh, you don’t want to play anymore because me and y'know my talent. Is that true? Phoebe: Well, kinda. Yeah. Yeah. Ross: Pheebs… Phoebe: Yeah, I-I can’t—I mean y’know I was trying to be really y'know okay and upbeat about it, I just—I feel so dwarfed by your musical gift. I… Ross: See but, Pheebs that-that is the exact opposite intent of my music. Y’know my music is-is meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this much, then I… I won’t play anymore. Phoebe: Oh no. No-no-no, don’t do that! How could I live with myself if I knew I was depriving the world of your music. Ross: Yeah, okay. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch and Phoebe is getting coffee as Chandler enters. Ross is also there.] Ross: Hey Chandler! Saw the new furniture. Very nice. Monica: Yeah! Joey has the best boyfriend ever! Chandler: I kissed Kathy. Ross: What? Monica: Are you serious? Phoebe: Does Joey know? Chandler: No. Is there anyway, anyway you think he’ll understand this? Monica: You obviously haven’t screwed over a lot of your friends. (They all look at her) Which we all appreciate. Ross: No the-the sad thing is, if you had told him how you felt before you kissed her, knowing Joey, he probably just would’ve just stepped aside. Chandler: Oh, don’t say that! Don’t say that. That’s not true. Is it? Phoebe: I think maybe, yeah. Monica: He loves you. Chandler: Then why didn’t you tell me to do that?!! Ross: Well, I said-I said something to Phoebe. Phoebe: Yeah! No, that’s right. And I thought it was a really good idea. Rachel: I know, I remember that! Monica: I remember you did. Chandler: God!! (Sits down in disgust.) What am I gonna do?! Rachel: Well, Chandler, you’re gonna have to tell him. Chandler: Why?! Why do I have to tell him?! Rachel: Because you do. Chandler: Yeah, I know. Ross: Hey, would it be okay if I wrote a song about this. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Samboucha Margarita? Chandler: Is that a real thing? Joey: Well, we only had samboucha, so it is now. Chandler: Listen ah, Joe, I-I need to, I need to talk to you about something. Joey: What’s up? Chandler: It’s-it’s about Kathy. Umm, uh, I like her. I like her a lot actually. Joey: You do? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Well, you’re timing couldn’t be better. She’s not my girlfriend anymore. Chandler: What? Joey: Yeah, she broke up with me. Chandler: Oh uh, when? Joey: Just now, after acting class. At first I thought she was doing some kind of scene, that’s why I let people watch. Chandler: Oh man, I am so sorry. Are, are you okay? Joey: Well, I’ve been better. But, I’m all right. So you like her huh? Chandler: Yes, but I-I uh, don’t have too. Joey: No-no-no, no it’s uh, it’s okay. Chandler: Yeah? Joey: Yeah. You know why? ‘Cause you can to me first. Chandler: Well, I thought that would be the best thing to do. Joey: But hey, listen just so you know, you might have you’re work cut out for you. ‘Cause when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling that she’s into some other guy. So… Chandler: See uh, that’s-that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I-I think I know who the other guy is. Joey: Who? Chandler: It’s me. I’m the other guy. Joey: What? Chandler: Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and… Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?! Chandler: No! No! No! I just kissed her. Joey: What?!! That’s even worse!! Chandler: How is that worse?! Joey: I don’t know! But it’s the same! Chandler: Look, I’m sorry! But there’s nothing I can do, I think I’m in love with her! Joey: Who cares?! You went behind my back! I would never do that to you! Chandler: You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line. Joey: Over the line?! You-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you! Chandler: Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me! Joey: Is that why you bought all this stuff?! (Chandler makes a face like "Well, kinda.") Well, y’know what I will not watch your TV, I will not listen to your stereo, and there’s a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that I’m not gonna eat! You know why?! Chandler: Probably because… Joey: Because it’s all tainted with your betrayal. From now on this apartment is empty for me! And I’m not happy about you either. (The bread maker dings) Oh, and just so you know, I made that bread for you. (Joey walks into his bedroom and slams the door.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is playing his music. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: Oh my God, he’s lost it. He’s totally lost it. Monica: (removing ear plugs) What? Rachel: Phoebe, his music could not get any worse. There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves. (Ross finally finishes with the same crash, and gets some applause.) Ross: Thank you, thanks. (Sits down next to the girls) Yeah, I lost it. Y’know, I’m not gonna play anymore, (to Phoebe) would you, can you finish my set? Phoebe: After that? Yeah! No, I mean if I can help. (Phoebe gets up and goes to play, Ross goes over and sits down next to Monica and Rachel.) Ross: Yeah, like I could lose it. Rachel: What? Ross: I played bad on purpose guys. (Both Monica and Rachel laugh.) Monica: Okay, so you were trying to play bad this whole time. Ross: Yeah—no, just that last song. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x07 - The One Where Chandler Crosses a Line"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Michael Borkow Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is sitting at the counter reading a magazine as the phone rings.] Joey: (answering phone) Hello. Chandler: (on phone) Hey, it’s me. I know you can’t stand to be in the same room as me, so I just thought I’d try and apologize over the phone. All I… (Joey hangs up the phone in disgust.) (Pause) (The phone rings again.) Joey: (answering phone) Hello. Chandler: Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but I’m… (Joey hangs up the phone again.) (Pause) (The phone rings yet again.) Joey: (answering phone) Stop callin’!! Voice: (on phone) Hey! Hey! Hey! This is 92.3, WXRK, K-Rock for our $1,000 daily challenge. Joey: All right! Voice: What is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything… (Joey realizes it’s Chandler and hangs up the phone in anger.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey and Chandler are there getting ready for Thanksgiving.] Chandler: (entering) Aww, turkey! Aww, giving thanks! Aww! Phoebe: Look everyone, it’s the spirit of Thanksgiving! Rachel: So are things with you and Joey any better? Chandler: They couldn’t be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me. Rachel: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets huh? Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office? Rachel: You shouldn’t. Phoebe: Speaking of Christmas, umm since Monica and I are starting a new business and have like no money, umm, this year maybe we could do secret Santa, and then we each only buy one gift. And-and there’s the added mystery of who gets who. Ross: Who gets whom. (They all look at him.) I don’t know why I do that. [Cut to later, the gng, minus Joey, is watching the Thanksgiving Day parade.] Rachel: Well, I’m gonna take a nap, turkey makes me sleepy. Monica: We haven’t eaten yet! Rachel: I know, but all that work you’re doing to get it ready, I just… (goes into her bedroom.) Chandler: Hey, by any chance did either of pick uh Rachel for your secret Santa, ‘cause I wanna trade for her. Phoebe: I picked her! Oh thank God you want her! Ooh! Chandler: Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so badly? Phoebe: Because she exchanges every gift she ever gets, it’s like impossible to get her something she likes. Come on, let’s trade! Chandler: Oh that’s not true! That’s not true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it… (notices the look on Monica and Phoebe’s faces.) Oh, there was no big dog. All right this sucks! I already got her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it… (Phoebe looks confused.) Her initials… Phoebe: Ohh. Monica: Well, maybe you could give to somebody else. Ooh, like Ross Geller. Chandler: Op, y'know what though, it’s kind’ve a girlie briefcase. Monica: Who cares? He works in a museum! Chandler: Hey, what time is it? The big game is about to start! Phoebe: You don’t have to do that, Ross and Joey aren’t here, you can watch the parade if you want. Chandler: Thanks. Monica: What is wrong with this freezer?! (She jabs her arm into the freezer and a piece of ice flies into her eye.) Ow! Ow!! Phoebe: God, what happened?! Monica: Oh my God, ice just got in my eye! Rachel: (standing in her doorway) People are trying to sleep in here! Chandler: Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts. Phoebe: Open it up, let me see. Monica: Oh, y’know what, I can’t, it really kills. Chandler: Well maybe you should put some ice on it. Phoebe: Ooh, God it looks bad. Rachel: Honey, maybe we should take you to a doctor. Monica: No, my eye doctor is Richard! I can’t go to him when I don’t have a boyfriend! Chandler: He’s really picky about his patients. Phoebe: Honey, you’ve got to go. What’s his office number? Monica: Like I remember his office number! (Pause) Speed dial 7. Phoebe: (on phone) Hi! Yeah, I’m calling on behalf of Monica Geller’s eye, and is um, is Richard Burke in today. (Listens) (to Monica) He’s out of town, but does she want to see the on-call doctor? Monica: Yes!! Phoebe: Yes! She’s very excited about that. [Cut to later, Phoebe is adding butter to something and Ross is watching.] Phoebe: This is so cool, ‘til Monica gets back, it’s like I’m head chef and I get to make all the decisions. (She looks at the remaining butter, and then decides to add it to the dish.) Ross: Hey-hey, I thought she told you to follow the recipe exactly! Phoebe: Okay, get out of my kitchen! Chandler: (entering) All right! Okay! I think I am making some progress with Joey, when I went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once! (Ross is pleased.) I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it. Phoebe: All right I… I gotta call my mom and ask her a left handed cooking question. Ross: So listen ah, I picked Monica for secret Santa, but I’m already getting her something for Chanukah, I was wondering if you wanna switch. Chandler: Oh y’know what, I was already trying to trade for ah, well, you. Ross: Really?! Wow! That’s-that’s so nice, what are you gonna get me? Chandler: I don’t know R.G., I was thinking something girlie for your office. Ross: Yeah, well maybe Phoebe will switch with me. Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you don’t want to do that, then you’re gonna get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets. Ross: Oh, that’s not true! I’ve got her lots of stuff she never took back. Chandler: Like? Ross: Like uh, that gold necklace I got her last year. Chandler: When was the last time you saw her wear it? Ross: Well, she wore it all Christmas day, and then uh… Chandler: Big dog? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is repacking the furniture into boxes to return it.] Ross: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey! Ross: What are you doing? Joey: I’m sending back all this stuff that Chandler bought out of guilt. Ross: Everything? Even the TV? Joey: No! I’m putting that in my room. Ross: Listen, Joey, I know what he did was wrong but don’t you think you could at least hear the guy out? Joey: Back when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out? Ross: That’s a good point. So uh, how long are you gonna punish him? Joey: Five years. Ross: You’ve sentenced him?! Joey: Hey! Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Ross: Joey, the guy’s your best friend. Joey: No, was my best friend. Anyway, I don’t know why you’re pushing for him so hard. With him out of the way as my best friend, there’s a spot open. Ross: Oh, who? Me? Joey: Yeah! Ross: Wow! I’m honored! And y’know what I’m gonna do as my first act as your best friend? Joey: What? Ross: I’m gonna get you to talk to Chandler. Joey: All right. But if you weren’t my best friend. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are sitting at a table and talking about Joey.] KATHY: Oh my God, is it really that bad? Chandler: I walk into a room and he won’t even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words. Joey: (entering) Hey gn, have you uh, have you seen Chandler? gn: I thought you were Chandler. But umm, one of who is over there. (Joey turns around and sees them kissing.) KATHY: Oh. Chandler: Hey Joe. Joey: (Something in Italian.) (Storms out.) [Scene: Dr. Burke’s office, Rachel and Monica are waiting as the doctor arrives.] Doctor: I’ll be right with you. Okay? (to the nurse) Thanks, Wendy. Monica: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call doctor? Rachel: Ooh, so cute, that I’m thinking about jamming this pen in my eye. (The intercom buzzes.) Nurse: Dr. Burke will see you know. Monica: Oh no-no-no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke is out of town. The-the on-call doctor will see me now. Nurse: Dr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr. Timothy Burke, his son, will see you now. Dr. Timothy Burke: Ready? (Monica looks at Rachel, who gives her the thumbs up.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is packing as Chandler rushes in.] Chandler: Hey! I’m sorry! That—(sees that Joey is about to leave) where are you going? Joey: My folks. Chandler: Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back? Joey: I don’t know. I might stay there for a few days while I look for an apartment. Chandler: What?! Joey: Yeah, y’know at first I thought we could talk about this y’know, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together I don’t think I… Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I’ll stop seeing her? Joey: Look, it’s not about her. Okay? But seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did. And I don’t want to live with some one who doesn’t know what it is to be a friend. So, I’ll see ya. (He starts to leave, but Chandler grabs his bag and stops him.) Chandler: Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up! Joey: Yeah! You did! And that’s why I’m leaving. (The chick and the duck walk into the living room.) Chandler: All right look, if you’re not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! Okay, they have had a very difficult year! What with the robbery and all! Joey: When that guy was robbing us, and I was locked in the entertainment unit for like six hours, you know what I was doing in there all that time? I was thinking about how I let you down! Chandler: What? Joey: Yeah! But if would’ve know what kind of friend you were gonna turn out to be, I wouldn’t have worried about it so much! See you around! Chandler: All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours and think about how I let you down. (Joey looks intrigued) What? Joey: We’ve got a box. (Motions to a large wooden box next to him.) COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Dr. Burke’s office, Tim is examining Monica.] Tim: Last time I saw you, it was the morning I left for college. And you were just standing outside The Dairy Queen. Monica: I was probably waiting for it to open. Tim: I gotta tell you, you look great now. Monica: You look great too. Tim: You’re an excellent patient! Monica: So how does it look? Tim: Well, you’ve got a little scratch on your cornea, your gonna have to wear a patch for a couple of days. Monica: Like a pirate?! Tim: If that helps you. Monica: Umm, so how long have you been working with your dad? (He looks at her) Come on, one of us had to mention him. Tim: I moved back here a couple of months ago. Monica: Oh. Big family dinner tonight? Tim: Uh. (He holds up a brown lunch bag.) Monica: No way! Tim: I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriend’s. Monica: (disappointed) Oh. Tim: But we broke up. Monica: (happy) Oh. Tim: She-she wasn’t ready for a serious commitment. Monica: (sympathetic) Oh. (in a pirate’s voice) So you made her walk the plank? Aye, matie? Tim: You’re not wearing the patch yet. Monica: I know. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, It’s closer to dinner. Monica has just told everyone that Tim is coming to dinner.] Ross: He’s coming here for Thanksgiving! Rachel: I know, it’s sick. Monica: Why is it sick? Rachel: Because it’s Richard’s son! It’s like inviting Greek tragedy over for dinner! Monica: Hey, come on, Phoebe, you understand don’t you? Phoebe: Yeah, I can see where I’d be your best sht but, no. I’m sorry, but I think it’s twisted. Ross: Yeah. Joey: (coming out of the bathroom) What’s twisted? Monica: Me going out with Richard’s son. Joey: Ewwwww!! Ew! Ew! Ew! Chandler: (He is now in the box, in their living room.) Sounds like a really bad idea to me. Rachel: Is he okay in there? Joey: He’s fine! Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richard’s son, you’d be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather. Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) married a lesbian, (points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey) threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fre, (points to Chandler) livin’ in a box!! (goes to her room) Rachel: So now, what exactly is the point of the box? Joey: Chandler? Chandler: The meaning of the box is three fold. One (holds a finger up through the air hole), it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two (holds up another finger), it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three (holds up a third finger), it hurts! Ross: (to Rachel) Oh hey! Hey uh, you remember the necklace I gave you last year? Can I see it? Rachel: (worried) Why? Ross: I just wanna check something. Rachel: Okay. (She goes into her bedroom) Ross: (He puts his hand over the hole on the box.) (to Chandler) Now, we’ll see. Chandler: Air hole! Air hole!! (Ross retracts his hand quickly.) Rachel: (coming out of her bedroom with a necklace) Here it is! I love it. I wear it all the time. Ross: (grabbing the necklace) The necklace I got you was gold, this one is silver. Rachel: Huh, well maybe it uh, it changed. Ross: Oh my God! You actually exchanged it! Rachel: Well isn’t it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out of? Ross: What did you get? Rachel: Credit. (There’s a knock on the door.) Monica: (running in from her bedroom) I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! (opens the door) Hi, Tim. Tim: Hi. (gives her a bottle of wine) Monica: Thank you. Come meet my friends. This is uh, Phoebe. Tim: Hi, nice to meet you. Monica: And Joey. Joey: Hey! Tim: Hi, Joey. Monica: My brother, Ross. Ross: Hey. Monica: And Rachel. (Chandler clears his voice loudly) And that’s Chandler. Chandler: How do ya do. Tim: What’s… Monica: Umm, well, he’s… Joey: He’s doin’ some thinkin’! [cut to later, Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Tim are watching the football game, and they all cheer loudly.] Chandler: What happened? What happened?! Joey: You kissed my girlfriend! (A commercial for sunglasses comes on.) Rachel: Ooh, I like those sunglasses. Ross: Like ‘em, like ‘em? Or, I’d like to get store credit for that amount like ‘em? Rachel: (Swears in Italian, it’s the same term used by Joey earlier and Joey nods his approval.) Monica: All right everybody, this turkey is ready! Tim: Where can I wash up? Monica: Here, let me show you. Okay, the towels are hanging next to the sink, and umm, you can use the fancy soap. Tim: Thank you. Rachel: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin’ that for the Pope! Monica: See he’s nice. Right? Phoebe: Yeah, but Monica, do you actually want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That’s not how your dad used to do it." Tim: Wow! Everything looks great! Where should I sit? Monica: I saved you a seat. (Motions to the one next to her.) Rachel: (pouring the wine) Sick-sick-sick-sick. (There’s a loud knocking.) Phoebe: Oh, I’ll get it. (goes over to the door.) Chandler: Gotcha! (laughs) Joey: That doesn’t sound like thinking to me! Chandler: Sorry! Joey: Y’know I don’t think you should be talking at all in there! I think you’ve got to much thinking to do to be talking and making jokes! Chandler: Okay, okay, you got it! Rachel: Ross, can you pass me the yams? Ross: Sure! Oh, and Joey’s got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them. Rachel: Would you stop?! What is the matter with you?! Monica: Oh-ho-ho, we’ve got company. Ross: There’s nothing the matter with me. See, I’m not completely devoid of sentiment, see I have feelings. Rachel: Okay, fine. (She gets up and walks into her bedroom) (an awkward silence follows) Chandler: You can’t tell, but I’m trying to break the tension by mooning you guys! Joey: All right, look! If this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it, all right?! This means something to me! And if it doesn’t mean anything to you, then you should get out of there, otherwise you’re just an idiot in a box! Chandler: You’re right, and I’m sorry! This means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend again! I swear, I won’t say another word tonight. Joey: So are you gonna start taking this thing seriously? Chandler: Absolutely! Joey: That sounds like another word to me! Are you gonna take this seriously? (There’s no response from Chandler.) Okay. (Rachel comes back carrying a shoe box.) Rachel: Don’t say that I have no sentiment! (Starts to show Ross what’s in the box.) This is a movie stub from our first date! This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed! (Holds up a bone) This is from the museum from the first time we… were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter! Ross: I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry. Though, you’re not supposed to take these. (Points to the bone) It’s like a million years old, we, we actually, we had people looking for that. (Rachel glares at him.) [Cut to the balcony with Monica and Tim.] Monica: (putting off her coat) Ooh, this always happens. (Her coat gets stuck.) Tim: Here, let me help. (Does so.) Monica: Thank you. Tim: You-you have a very beautiful… eye. Monica: Y’know all my friends think this is weird. Tim: Y’know I-I thought it was gonna be weird, I mean I almost called and canceled, but it really isn’t. Monica: I know! I mean it’s like me and your dad, that’s a totally separate thing. Tim: Oh, I totally agree. Monica: We’re just two people who find each other very attractive. Right? (Tim leans in to kiss her. They stop, and when he tries to kiss her again, Monica pulls away.) Tim: What? Monica: Nothing. Nothing. Tim: No-no really, was-was that not okay? Monica: No-no-no that was good, it was, that was uh, that was a goood kiss… Tim: Oh my God! It didn’t remind you of… Monica: (interrupting) Don’t say it! Tim: No, but it did! Didn’t it?! Monica: Yeah! Tim: Oh man!! Monica: I know! (They both shiver in horror.) [cut to later, Tim has left. Monica is still shivering. There’s a knock on the door.] Joey: I’ll get it. (It’s Kathy.) KATHY: (sees it’s Joey) Oh. Joey: Hey. KATHY: Hey. Listen, I want you to know how sorry I am… Joey: That’s okay. Chandler’s the one I’m mad at. KATHY: Well, I’m still sorry. Is he here? Joey: In the box. KATHY: (going over to the box) Chandler? Phoebe: Oh, he-he can’t talk right now. KATHY: Why not? What’s going on? Phoebe: He’s just trying to show Joey how much he means to him. KATHY: By being in a box? Rachel: Joey, had reasons. Phoebe: They were threefold. KATHY: Oh. Well uh, (to Chandler) you not being able to talk may make this easier. Listen umm… (She looks at the gng who are watching, they take the hint and leave them alone.) Listen I don’t wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. I just, I can’t stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and I don’t wanna be the cause of that. So, I don’t think we can see each other anymore. I’m gonna go to my mom’s in Chicago, I’m gonna stay there for awhile. I think this could’ve be something really amazing, but y’know this is probably for the best. Y’know? I’m gonna miss you. Good-bye, Chandler. (She gets up and leaves, Chandler waves good-bye with one finger extended through the air hole. Ross glares at Joey.) Joey: (starting to cry) Open the box!! (Runs over to do so.) Rachel: What?! Joey: He can still catch her! Come on, get out of there! (He opens the box) Get out of there! Chandler: So? Joey: Yeah, we’re gonna be fine! Get out! Chandler: Yeah? Joey: Yeah, you did some real good thinkin’ in there. Chandler: Man, this is… (Joey says something unintelligible and they hug.) Joey: Now go! ‘Cause you can still catch her! And Merry Christmas from you’re secret Santa! (Chandler runs out and closes the door.) (After he’s gone.) Joey: All right, who got Chandler? ‘Cause I uh, need to trade. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, the g*ng is all there watching Chandler.] Rachel: Oh, he sees her! Monica: Oh, he’s catching up to her! Phoebe: Oh, she sees him! Oh, they’re hugging! Ross: He’s taking her purse! Joey: Uhh, that’s not them. I’m gonna go call the police. Phoebe: Oh, there they are! (They watch them making up and sigh) Phoebe: All right, get a room. END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x08 - The One With Chandler in a Box"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are showing everyone the van they bought for the catering business. It’s an old Dodge van, that has a cartoon woman riding on a dragon painted on the side of it.] Phoebe: Okay! Monica: Come on, no peeking! (They are leading the gng out with there hands over their eyes.) Chandler: Our eyes are closed and we’re about to cross the street. Very good. Phoebe: Okayyyyy, open up! (They open their eyes and are stunned at the van.) Ross: What did you want to show us? Because all I can see is this bitchin' van! Phoebe: Yeah, it’s for our catering business! Joey: I think I know that girl. Monica: All right, umm, we’re not gonna really keep it this way though. Rachel: No? Phoebe: No, we’re gonna paint over the sword, and replace it with a baguette. Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: And also, we don’t know what to do with this. (She turns on a switch and the girl’s nipples light up.) Joey: Oh yeah, I definitely know her. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gng is all there.] Monica: (to Phoebe) Remember that guy from cooking school I told you about that put cilantro with everything? Phoebe: Oh sure, Cilantro Larry. Monica: Well, I’m gonna fill in for him as food critic for the Chelsea Reporter. Monica: Wow, Monica! What an amazing opportunity to influence… dozens of people. Phoebe: How could you say yes, what about our catering business? Monica: Oh no-no-no, it’s only one night a week, and plus I get to take all of you out for a lot of free dinners. All: Yay!! Phoebe: Oh, in that case—(hops up and down in joy)—Yay! (Monica looks confused) That was me hopping on board. Monica: Oh. Chandler: (entering) Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party? Ross: I don’t know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there’s this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch. Chandler: No-no, I don’t think you heard me. Are you ready to party?! Ross: Nooo!! Gandolf?! Gandolf is coming to town? Chandler: Kathy’s with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude! Ross: Dude, we are sooo gonna party! Phoebe: Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this guy? Ross: Mike "Gandolf" Ganderson, only like the funest guy in the world. Chandler: I’m gonna call and get off work tomorrow! Ross: I’m gonna call after you! Chandler: This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore! Chandler and Ross: Woooo!!! Monica: All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van? Joey: Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book? Ross: Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandolf is like the party wizard! Joey: Well, why do you call him Gandolf? Ross: Gandolf the wizard. (Joey is still confused) Hello! Didn’t you read Lord of the Rings in high school? Joey: No, I had sex in high school. [Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel and Sophie are sitting at their desks working as Joanna walks in.] Rachel: Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I could ask you something. There’s an opening for an assistant buyer in Junior Miss… Joanna: (interrupting) Okay, but that would actually be a big step down for me. Rachel: Well, actually, I meant for me. The hiring committee is meeting people all day and… Joanna: Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but you can’t stay my assistant forever. Neither can you Sophie, but for different reasons. Rachel: God, I am so glad you don’t have a problem with this, because if you did, I wouldn’t even consider applying. Joanna: Really? Well, in that case… Rachel: (interrupting) And that’s I’m so glad… there’s no problem. Joanna: That’s fine, actually I’m on the hiring committee, so there’ll be at least one friendly face. Rachel: Ohh! That’s great! Joanna: You know, Junior Miss is where I started. Oh, I had to sleep with the ugliest guy to get that job. Rachel: Really?! Joanna: No-ho-ho! (pause) Yeah. (pause) I mean, no-no-no-no-no, don’t you worry, I’m sure with your qualifications you won’t need to sleep with some guy to get that job. Although, I might need some convincing. Rachel: Well, I, umm… Joanna: Kidding! God, I feel wild today! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready to party.] Chandler: Oh man! I am so excited—I may vomit! Joey: Will you calm down, he’s just a human guy. Chandler: Look you don’t understand, Gandolf is amazing. Y’know you’re never know what’s gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia! Joey: Really?! Chandler: Oh yeah, it’s beautiful country up there. Ross: (entering) Hey! Okay! I got my passport, fresh socks, and a snake bite kit! Chandler: It’s not gonna be exactly like last time. Joey: All right, I’ll see you guys. Chandler and Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Chandler: Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Joey: I have an audition, but I’ll definitely hook up with you later. Where are you gonna be around noon? Ross: Somewhere maybe along the equator? Joey: Okay. (leaves as the phone rings) Chandler: (answering it) Hello. (listens) (to Ross) It’s Gandolf!!! (on phone) So, are you in town? (listens) (disappointed) Oh, well, well maybe next time then. (Hangs up) Ross: What happened? Chandler: He’s not gonna make it, he’s stuck in Chicago. Ross: Ohh, man! Chicago, is sooo lucky! Chandler: Stupid, useless Canadian money! [Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is meeting with Mr. Posner, Mrs. Lynch, and Joanna the hiring committee.] Mr. Posner: You have a very impressive resume, Ms. Green. I especially like what I see here about implementing a new filing system. Rachel: Thank you. Joanna: Filing system? Oh-oh! You mean those-those little colored labels you put on all the folders? (to the committee) It certainly did brighten up the inside of the filing cabinets. Rachel: Well, they uh, they-they do more than that. Mrs. Lynch: I notice that you’ve been trusted with a lot of rather important responsibilities. Rachel: Yes, Joanna really has been an incredible mentor to me. Joanna: Oh. And Rachel has been really incredible in getting my morning bagel for me. It’s amazing how she gets it right almost every time! Rachel: I-I-I of course, I have more responsibilities than that. Joanna: Oh yes, well there’s the coffee too. (to the committee) Rachel can carry two things at once! Mr. Posner: Yes, that’s very good. Now a uh, big part of this job is cultivating personal relationships, especially with designers. Rachel: Yes, I realize that… Joanna: (interrupting) And Rachel shouldn’t have any problem with that. The only problem might be getting a little too friendly, if you know what I mean. Rachel: I love working with designers! Joanna: With them, under them, what’s the difference? Eh, Rach? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is there as Monica enters carrying a huge stack of newspapers.] Monica: Hey! My first review is out! Phoebe: Ohh! Oh, the Chelsea Reporter, ohh, this used to keep me so warm. Monica: All right, look at my on the back page. Phoebe: Oh, okay! (reading) "Would I go back to Allesandro’s? Sure, but I’d have to order two meals, one for me and one for the guy pointing the gn to my head." (to Monica) Wow! You really laid into this place. Monica: Hey, they don’t pay me a penny a word to make friends. Phoebe: Ooh, I gotta go. I found a guy that who could fix up the van for catering. Monica: Oh! Do you need me to go with you? Phoebe: No-no, it’s okay. But are we sure we don’t want the waterbed? Monica: Haven’t we made this decision? Phoebe: Yeah, all right. (starts to leave) Monica: Bye! Phoebe: Bye! (The intercom buzzes.) Monica: (answering it) Who is it? Allesandro: It’s Allesandro, from Allesandro’s. Monica: Oh my God. Allesandro: I want to talk to you about your review. Monica: Oh my God, oh my God. (on intercom) Call me on the phone! Allesandro: Why? So you could hang up on me? Monica: Look, I-I’m never gonna let you up so you may as well just go away. Allesandro: Just give me a chance too… Phoebe: (on intercom) Hey, do you need to get in? Here you go. Monica: No! Phoebe! Phoebe: Hey, Monica! COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Allesandro: (entering) I want a retraction! Our food is not inedible swill! Monica: I couldn’t eat it! I had five friends who couldn’t eat it, and one of them eats books. Allesandro: Well our service is not grossly incompetent. Monica: The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants! Allesandro: Well, you said that we except the Discover Card, which we do not! Monica: All right, that I’ll retract. But I stand by my review, I know food and that wasn’t it. You’re marinara sauce tasted like tomato juice! You should serve it with vodka and a piece of celery. Allesandro: Hey! I’m proud of that sauce, it’s delicious. Monica: Oh my God! You own an Italian restaurant and you think that tastes good?! Where are you even from? Allesandro: (shyly) Lebanon. Monica: Hand me those tomatoes, I’m gonna show you what it should taste like! Come on, hand me them. Allesandro: How long is this gonna take? ‘Cause I got another critic to go yell at. [Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel is confronting Joanna about her interview.] Rachel: (entering Joanna’s office) Umm, Joanna? I wanna talk about that interview. Joanna: I thought it went very well. Rachel: No! It didn’t! That’s what I want to talk to you about. (starts to break up) Now, just to brief you… (starts to cry) I may cry, but they are not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me having this discussion with you. Joanna: Rachel, please, don’t make a scene. Rachel: There’s nobody here! Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie enters) You see! Now you’re making Sophie uncomfortable! Sophie: She’s not making me uncomfortable. Joanna: Congratulations! You now just crossed the line into completely useless. Get out. (Sophie starts to cry and leaves) Rachel: Do you want me to quit? Joanna: What?! What would make you think that? Rachel: Well of those things that you said in the interview, I mean if you believe any of them, I must not be a very good assistant. Y’know what? I am just gonna pack up my desk, (She goes over to get all of her belongings from the desk, which amount to a muffin and a pen) and I will be gone by the end of the day! (Realizes she has nothing.) Well, I guess there’s no use to me sticking around ‘til the end of the day! (Starts to leave.) Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait! You can put your sad little muffin back in it’s drawer. If you must know the truth, I didn’t want to lose a perfectly good assistant. Rachel: What? Joanna: That’s why I said all those things about your flirting and your drinking… Rachel: My drinking? Joanna: Oh, I must’ve said that after you left. Rachel: Said what? Exactly. Joanna: That you enjoyed the occasional drink…ing binge. Rachel: Oh my God!! Ohh, that is it! I’m leaving! You are just a horrible person! Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!! If you’re gonna get all sensitive about it! I don’t want to lose you. What if I, create a position for you? I’ll make you an assistant buyer in this department. Rachel: Say more things like that. Joanna: You can have your own office, and a raise! Effective tomorrow. Rachel: I’d need an expense account. Joanna: Done! Rachel: And an assistant. Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie peeks in around the corner) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are watching TV as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! What are you guys doing here? I thought you’d be out partying with Gandel-worf. Ross: It’s Gandolf, and he’s not coming. Joey: So you’ve been sittin’ around here all mornin’? Ross: No! I balanced my checkbook. Chandler: Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players. Ross: I can’t believe he didn’t come! Joey: So what if he didn’t come! We can still go out and party ourselves! Chandler: Oh-no, y’know with Gandolf we’d be out all night! Ross: Yeah! We’d meet, we’d meet total strangers, and hang out with them! Joey: Well, we could do that! Ross: There’s other stuff too. Joey: We’ll do it all, and better! Look, after tonight, Gandolf will want to party with us, dude! Come on! Ross: Yeah! Joey: Yeah! Ross: Yeah!! Joey: Yeah!! Ross: It’s not like we don’t know how to party!! Joey: Yeah! All right? Let’s go! Chandler: And may-maybe we could end up on a boat again? Joey and Ross: Yeah!!! Chandler: All right!! Ross: (to Chandler) Hey-hey-hey, when uh, when were we on a boat? Chandler: Remember that really cold morning, you woke up and those dogs were licking your face? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Well, those were seals, man. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is entering, excited.] Rachel: Hey Mon, little question for ya! How do you think this suit will look on an assistant buyer? Monica: Okay, the owner of Allesandro’s came over to yell at me, but instead I made him some sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef!! Rachel: Oh my God!! You just ruined the thing I was practicing the whole way home, but I’m soo happy! Monica: Can you believe it? I finally get to run my own kitchen! Rachel: Ohh, you’ve waited soo long. Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, quick question for ya. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: How do you think this suit would look on an assistant buyer at Bloomingdale’s? Phoebe: I don’t know, it would totally depend on her coloring and… (realizes) You got the job!! Rachel: Yes!!! Monica: You got the job?! Why didn’t you tell me? Rachel: Ohh, it’s gonna be so great! I’m gonna get to help decide what we sell, I’m gonna have an office with walls and everything. (turns to Monica) I’m gonna have walls! Phoebe: Okay, is this the day of good news or what? I got us a job! The wedding reception. Monica: Ohh! Umm, Phoebe, I kinda need to talk to you about that. (Rachel excuses herself) Umm, well I-I-I think it might be time for me to take a step back from catering. Phoebe: But we’ve only had one job. Monica: I know, but now we have this second one and it just, it feels like it’s snowballing, y’know? Phoebe: Yeah! What are you saying? Monica: I got offered the head chef job at Allesandro’s. Phoebe: What? Monica: It’s okay, ‘cause y'know what? You don’t really need me for the business. Phoebe: You’re the cook! With out you it’s just me driving up to people’s houses with empty trays and asking for money! Monica: All right. But umm, I-I-I’ll pay you back all the money you invested, and you can keep the van. Phoebe: For what? I can’t believe this! I gotta get out of here. (leaves) Monica: Phoebe, wait a minute! (runs after her, leaving Rachel alone) Rachel: I’m an assistant buyer!! [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Ross, and Chandler are making a pit stop on their party tour.] Joey: All right, so we’ll get a little coffee, and get energized, and we’ll head back out. Chandler: Yeah, all right. Ross: Okay. Joey: So, we’re having fun, right? Chandler and Ross: Yeah. Joey: We don’t need that wizard guy. We ht a couple of clubs, talked to some strangers, and uh, after this, we’ll head down to the docks and see about that boat thing. Ross: I’m kinda bat. Chandler: Actually, me too. Joey: Are you serious?! Chandler and Ross: Yeah. Joey: Thank God! I’m exhausted! gn: So you guys want coffees? Joey: Yeah, but uh, I don’t want to be up too late, so uh, I’ll have a decaf. Ross: Yeah, me too. Chandler: Actually, can I get some hot water with a little lemon? I think I strained my voice screaming in there. Does it have to be so loud? Joey: I can’t hear a word you’re saying, my ears are ringing so bad. Ross: I’m just glad I brought that extra pair of socks, y’know? I used them as mittens, I didn’t want to touch a thing in that last place. (pause) Ross: How sad are we? Joey: Yeah, I know. Chandler: Y’know what? We’re not sad, we’re not sad, we’re just not 21 anymore. Y’know? I’m 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour! Joey and Ross: Yeah! Joey: Yeah! And I like to hang out in a quiet place where I can talk to my friends. Chandler and Ross: Yeah! Ross: And so what if I like to go home, throw on some Kenny G, and take a bath! Joey: We’re 29, we’re not women. [Scene: Central Perk, the next day, Phoebe is there.] Monica: (entering) Ohh, here you are. Y’know, I’m-I’m glad you decided to hear me out. Phoebe: Okay, I’m hearing. Monica: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. A lot! And umm, well, I came up with a whole bunch of businesses you can do with your van. Okay umm, you could be flower delivery person. Phoebe: What?! Monica: Or! A bakery delivery person. Phoebe: I wa-I wa-I wa… Monica: Pizza?! Phoebe: Monica! Monica: All right, I’ve got a whole bunch of uh-uh, stuff in this area, but umm, I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want to deliver. Phoebe: No. Monica: Okay. I’m guessing that if you don’t want to deliver, you probably don’t want to pick stuff up either. Phoebe: No. Monica: Y’know what, let’s do the catering business. Phoebe: Really?! Are you sure? Monica: Yeah, y'know I-I made a commitment to you. Y’know what, it’d be, it’d be fun. Phoebe: Oh! It will be fun! Ohh! Yay! Oh! Okay, ooh, let’s plan the wedding reception. (She grabs the notebook which Monica used for her ideas and starts flipping page after page after page after page after page to find a blank one.) Wow! You really wanted me to do something with this van. (pause) Y’know what, I want you to take the chef job. Monica: Really?! Phoebe: Yeah. That’s what you really want. Yeah, I don’t want to be the reason you’re unhappy, that would just make me unhappy, and I really don’t want to be the reason I’m unhappy. Monica: Thank you. Phoebe: Besides, it might be kinda fun to form the new A-Team. [Scene: Rachel’s office, she is coming in for the day carrying a picture for her new office. Mrs. Lynch is coming out of Joanna’s office, carrying a box.] Rachel: Oh, hi Mrs. Lynch! Is Joanna in already? Mrs. Lynch: Oh my goodness! You haven’t heard! Rachel: Heard what? Mrs. Lynch: Joanna passed away last night. Rachel: Oh my God! How?! Mrs. Lynch: Well, she was leaving work and she was ht by a cab. Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, I cannot believe it! Mrs. Lynch: I know! Rachel: Oh, God. Oh, God. (gets worried) Oh God. Mrs. Lynch: I didn’t realize that she was so close. Rachel: Yes, so close. Mrs. Lynch, I know that this is an emotional and difficult time, for all of us. But by any chance did Joanna send any paperwork your way before… it happened. Mrs. Lynch: No. Nothing. Imagine, if she had just stepped off that curb a few seconds later. Rachel: Yes-yes, just a few seconds and she’d still be with us—nothing about an assistant buyer? Mrs. Lynch: (starting to cry) No, I’m sorry. I have to go. (She leaves as Sophie arrives.) Sophie: (happily) Good morning! Rachel: Oh, Sophie, I guess you didn’t hear about Joanna… Sophie: I sure did! (smiles) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica’s new kitchen, Allesandro is introducing her to her new employees.] Allesandro: I’m so excited about having Monica come on board with us. Although I do feel bad about having fired chef Emillio, it’s like losing a member of the family. Of course, that literally is the case for several of you. Tony, Carlos, Marie, please, tell your father how much we’re gonna miss him. Now, I know that Monica has a lot of great ideas for this place, well, you all read the review. So without much further ado, I present to you our new head chef. Monica: Umm, I just wanna say, uh (reads from a 3 X 5 card) that with a pinch of exictement, a dash of hard work, a dollup of cooperation, we can have the recipe... (Looks up and sees eveyone glaring at her) Are you gonna kll me? END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x09 - The One Where They\u2019re Gonna PARTY!"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe: Hey! Ross: I’m sorry I’m late, did I miss anything? Phoebe: Joey stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth. (Joey, with an obvious mouth full, nods yes.) Ross: 15? (Joey nods again) Your personal best! (Ross takes an Oreo and Joey mumbles, no!) Phoebe: Where were you? Ross: Oh, on a date. Yeah, I met this girl on the train going to a museum upstate. (simultaneously) Chandler: Oh, yeah! How did you meet her? Phoebe: Oh, which museum? Phoebe: (just Phoebe) No, answer his. Ross: Okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and I sat near the door, so she’d have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy. Chandler: Were you so late because you were burring this woman? Ross: No, I’m getting back down ‘cause she lives in Poughkeepsie. She seems really great, but she’s like totally great, but she lives two and a half hours away. Chandler: How can she be great if she’s from Poughkeepsie? (laughs, at they all look at him) That joke would’ve klled in Albany. Joey: Done! I did it! Heh, who’s stupid now? (He smiles and has cookie remains all over his teeth.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.] Chandler: Hey, look at this! (Holding a newspaper) They’re lighting the big Christmas tree tonight. Phoebe: Umm, that paper’s two weeks old. Chandler: All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I can’t believe I missed it. Rachel: Hey, y’know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it’ll be Valentine’s Day, then my birthday, then bang!—before you know it, they’re lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! (hearing this, gn moves in) Y’know, I want a man!! (gn leaves depressed) I mean, it doesn’t even have to be a big relationship, y’know, just like a fling would be great. Chandler: Really?! I didn’t think girls ever just wanted a fling. Rachel: Well, believe me, it’s been a long time since I’ve been flung. Joey: Well, I know what I’m giving you for Christmas. Chandler: Y’know what? There’s some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up? Rachel: Yeah! Wait a minute, it’s been a long time that I’ve been single. How come you never offered this before? Chandler: Well, I have a girlfriend, I’m-I’m happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy. Rachel: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don’t like guys with boring jobs. Chandler: Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer? (Monica enters) All: Hey! Phoebe: What’s wrong Mon? Monica: Ohh, everybody at the restaurant still hates me. Phoebe: Oh. Monica: I thought I was making headway, everyone was smiling at me all day, I get off work and I find out that they wrote this (puts on her chef hat) on my chef’s hat. (The hat says ‘Quit, bitch’) Phoebe: Hey, maybe they meant to write, ‘Quiet, bitch.’ Rachel: Hey, honey! What’s the matter? (Monica shows her, her hat.) Fine, I was just trying to be nice! Whoa! Monica: I mean I have not been picked on this much since kindergarten and they had to bring in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me. (Joey laughs and Monica glares at him.) Joey: Ohhh! Monica: I mean they’re trying to do everything they can to make me quit, and if there were any other job, I would. But this is something I’ve been waiting for my whole life. Rachel: Well, wait a minute, you’re the boss! Why don’t you just yell at them? Or, fre them? Monica: I would love too, but I can’t! I mean I just can’t, you know that I’m not good at confrontation. Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fre them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, who’s boss. Joey: Hey, Mon! I’m not doing anything, why don’t you fre me? Monica: That’s a good idea! Wait, do you know how to waiter? Joey: Good enough to get fired. Monica: All right, you’re hired! Joey: Hey! That must be why I got fired last week! Does this Orson Wells guy direct Burger King commercials? Chandler: (he glares at him for a while) Yes. [Scene: Chandler’s office, he is trying to find Rachel a date.] Chandler: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, I’m not asking for me, I’m… I mean… No, I’m-I’m not gay, I’m not asking you out. I’m not-I’m not-I’m not gay! Drew: I didn’t think you were gay. I do now. Chandler: See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she wants to be set up. Drew: Ahh, I just got out of a big relationship, I’m not looking for any thing serious. Chandler: Oh, y’know what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with Rachel. Mike: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot Rachel, that you took to the Christmas party, Rachel? Chandler: (to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her full name. Mike: Oh wow! I’m free for her! Drew: Oh, wait a second! I didn’t say I wasn’t free! Mike: Hey, Chandler, why don’t we talk this over at the Ranger game tomorrow? Drew: Hold on, y’know I just got a box of Cubans, maybe I bring them by your office around uh, five? Chandler: Oh well, that’s uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to stay, but sure! Mike: Maybe, before the game we could enjoy some eight year old some small batch Basel Hadens. Chandler: Well, I don’t really know what that is, but let’s!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is working on a new song.] Phoebe: Hey! You guys, I’m writing a holiday song for everyone. Do you want to hear it? Monica, Rachel, and Joey: Yes! Phoebe: (singing) Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle, Rachel! Rachel: Pheebs, that’s great! Phoebe: Oh, yay! Rachel: But y’know umm, Rachel doesn’t rhyme with draddle. Phoebe: I know but it’s so hard! Nothing rhymes with your stupid name! Joey: What are you talking about? Lots of things rhyme with Rachel. Bagel. Mail. Jail. Bail. Able. May-pole. Phoebe: All good, thanks. (to Rachel) Do you maybe have a nickname have like a nickname that’s easier to rhyme? Monica: Didn’t your dad used to call you Pumpkin? Rachel: Oh yeah! Phoebe: Pumpkin? Yeah. But did he ever call you like, Budolph? Chandler: (entering) Hello, children! All: Hey! Chandler: (to Rachel) Have I got the 50 guys for you! Rachel: Really?! Chandler: Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! They’re buying me drinks! They’re giving me stuff! (to Joey) Knicks tonight? Joey: Sure! Where are the seats? Chandler: Wherever! I’ve got like 20! Rachel: So, will I like any of these guys? Chandler: Y’know what, I’m gonna uh, play the field just a little more. Rachel: Chandler! Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401-K’s to me? Phoebe: (shocked) You work with robots!! Chandler: (pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Okay, there’s this one guy, Patrick, I think you’re gonna like him, he’s really nice, he’s funny, he’s a swimmer. Rachel: Ohh, I like swimmer’s bodies! Chandler: Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards. Rachel: Op, I like credit cards! Chandler: See, I’m not bad at this fixing up thing, huh? Rachel: Well, so what does he do? Chandler: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division. Rachel: Your company has a fine foods division? Chandler: It’s a big company, I don’t—if you—I… Joey: Now, wait a second! You make food and robots? Phoebe: No! No, the robots just work for them. Monica: (getting up) All right, I’m gonna go to work. Does anybody have a problem with that? Joey: Yeah, lady, I do! I got a problem with that! Monica: You want a problem? I’ll give you a problem! Joey: Oh, what are you gonna do? You’re gonna fre me? Monica: You bet your ass, I’m gonna fre you! Thank you. [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are there.] Ross: Oh, wow! I should get going. I-I got a date tonight. Chandler: Oh yeah! With who? Ross: You know that girl I told you about who lives up in Poughkeepsie? Chandler: Yeah. Ross: Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I meet, and I-I can’t decide between the two of them. Y’know the one from Poughkeepsie, even though she’s a two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this other girl, well, she lives right uptown. Y’know she’s, well she’s-she’s just as pretty, I guess she’s smart, she’s not fun. Phoebe: If she’s no fun, why do you want to date her at all? Ross: Well, I-I want to give her another chance, y’know? She lives so close. And, at the end of the date, the other time, she-she said something that was—if she was kidding was very funny. On the other hand, if she wasn’t kidding, she’s not fun, she’s stupid, and kind of a rcist. Joey: (entering) Hey! Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey, man! Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant? Joey: (checks his watch) Damn! (runs out to work) [Scene: Allesandro’s, Monica is cooking.] Joey: (entering from the dining room) Hey. Monica: Hey. Joey: Hey, what happened to your fancy chef’s jacket? (sees there’s a burn spot on it) Monica: They baked it. I can’t take this anymore. I’m gonna call a meeting tonight, I’m gonna fre you tonight. Joey: You got it! Oh-oh! (He starts patting the brned spot, which just happens to be over her breast.) Monica: What are you doing?! Joey: It’s still a tiny bit on fre there. Monica: Thanks. (Joey’s still patting the burn spot) I think you got it! [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is there.] Rachel: (entering) Chandler!! You have the best taste in men! Chandler: Well, like father, like son. Rachel: Patrick and I had such a great time last night! I mean I think this could maybe turn into something serious. Chandler: Really?! I-I thought you weren’t looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling. Rachel: Well, y'know, possibly. (pause) You didn’t tell him that, though? Right? Chandler: Ummmmmmmm, no. Rachel: You told this guy that I was looking for a fling?! You don’t tell the guy that! Chandler: Why not?! I’d be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get—oh I see. Rachel: Oh, between you telling him that I wanted to have a fling and me putting out on the first date—oh, he’s so gonna get the wrong idea. [Scene: Allesandro’s, Joey is eating some cheese.] Monica: Hey, Joey, could you pass the cheese? Joey: Yeah. Listen uh, I’d prefer it if you didn’t call me Joey. Since I don’t know anyone here, I thought it’d be cool to try out a cool work nickname. A Waiter: (entering) Hey, dragon! Here’s your tips from Monday and Tuesday. (hands him two envelopes) Joey: (opening an envelope) There’s like-there’s like 300 bucks in this one! The Waiter: Yeah, people get pretty generous around the holidays. And it never hurts to wear tight trousers. Monica: Okay. Could the waiters gather around to hear tonight’s specials? Okay, first there is a Chilean Sea Bass prepared with a Mango relish on a bag—Why is nobody writing these down? The Waiter: Because we can remember them. Monica: Because your all gonna make up fake specials and make me cook them like you did the other night? The Waiter: Well, sure, that too. Monica: Okay, forget the specials for a minute. Umm, all right here’s the thing, for the last two weeks I have umm, (quietly) tried really hard to create a positive atmosphere… The Waiter: Can’t hear you! Monica: (louder) A positive atmosphere! But I-I-I have had it up to here. (She holds her hand over her head as an afterthought.) From now on, it is gonna be my way, or the highway! All right? Does anybody have a problem with that?!! (Joey looks at the money he’s holding, and doesn’t speak up.) Hey new guy! I said, does anybody have a problem with that?! Joey: No ma’am. The Waiter: Hey! He has a name, it’s Dragon. Do you wanna know your name? Check your hat. (to another waiter) We did the hat right? (The other waiter nods yes.) COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Allesandro’s, continued from earlier. The other waiters are gone and Monica is confronting Joey about his not speaking up.] Monica: What the hell happened?! Joey: I am so-so-so sorry. I was gonna do it! Really! But I was standing there with 327 dollars in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and I was thinking, "Wow! It’s been a long time since I had… (tries to do the math in his head, but can’t) 327 + 238 dollars!" Monica: Joey, we had a deal. That-that’s why you’re here! I’ve got to fre you! Joey: And I gotta pay rent! Look, how-how about this? You don’t fre me, instead I stay here, I gain their trust, and they’ll start listening to all the nice things I’ve been saying about you. Monica: What kinda things have you been saying? Joey: Well nothing yet, they really hate you and I want to fit in. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is working on her holiday song, Chandler is sitting on the couch reading a magazine, and Ross is sleeping on the couch.] Phoebe: (singing) Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry… Chandler: (interrupting) Oh, y’know, y’know what Pheebs? Phoebe: What? Chandler: I’m not Jewish, so… Phoebe: So! Ross doesn’t really decorate his tree with floss, but you don’t hear him complaining do you? God! (Phoebe hits her guitar which wakes up Ross with a start.) Chandler: Bad dream? Ross: I wasn’t sleeping. Chandler: Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebe’s song about? Ross: The one with the cat. I gotta go, I’ve got another date. Phoebe: So, did you pick one yet? Ross: No, it turns out that the one from uptown was making a joke. But it was a different joke than I thought—it wasn’t that funny. So I’m still torn. Phoebe: Well look, you don’t really like the one from uptown and you’re too exhausted from dating the one up in Poughkeepsie, so I say you just end them both. Okay? You take a train up to Poughkeepsie and break up with her, and on your way back you break up with uptown. And then by the time you get home tonight, you’re done! Ross: Y’know, you’re right. Thank you. Phoebe: Umm, well I had a similar problem when I lived in Prague. Chandler: Prague? Phoebe: There’s sooo much you don’t know. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing living room golf as Rachel enters. Rachel sees this and holds the door open until Chandler is ready to start his swing, when he is, she slams the door shut which causes the club to fly from his hands. He turns around, shocked.] Rachel: Chandler! Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship? Chandler: I did! I absolutely did! Rachel: You idiot!! Chandler: I’m sure you’re right, but why? Rachel: You don’t tell a guy that you’re looking for a serious relationship! You don’t tell the guy that! Now you scared him away! Chandler: Oh, man. I’m sorry, I’m so-so sorry. Rachel: Y’know, you should never be allowed to talk to people! Chandler: I know! I know! Rachel: Oh! See just I’m right back where I started! Aww, this sucks! Being alone, sucks! (She sits down heavily in one of the new chairs) Chandler: Well, y’know, you’re-you’re gonna meet somebody! You’re a great catch! Y’know when I was telling all those guys about you, I didn’t have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm of her chair) Rachel: Really? Chandler: Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right? Rachel: No. Chandler: Oh, it doesn’t matter. (Kisses her on the top of her head.) Hey, y’know what, I’ve got two tickets to tonight’s Rangers game, you wanna come with me? Rachel: Cute guys in little shorts? Sure. Chandler: Well, actually it’s a hockey team, so it’s angry Canadians with no teeth. Rachel: Well that sounds fun too. (They hug.) (pause) Chandler: Have you ever been with a woman? Rachel: What?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?! Chandler: So there is no good time to ask that question. [Scene: A train to Poughkeepsie, Ross is asleep against the window.] The Conductor: The next station is Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie! The Woman From Poughkeepsie: (outside Ross’s window) Ross? Ross! (she knocks on the window) Wake up! Ross! (the train starts moving) Ross! Ross!! Ross!!! Ross!!!! [Scene: Allesandro’s, Monica is cooking.] Monica: I need more swordfish. (to one of the assistant chefs) Can you get me some more swordfish? Kitchen Worker: I don’t speak English. Monica: You did a minute ago! Kitchen Worker: Well, I don’t know what to tell ya! Monica: Fine! (She goes into the freezer to get it herself, and leaves the door open. The waiter from earlier comes by and closes the door.) Monica: Okay! Very funny! Somebody let me out please?! Come on, I’m cold! (She spills something.) And covered in marinara sauce! Come on! Let me out! (the door opens) The Waiter: You found that handle, did ya? Monica: That’s not funny. The Waiter: Well that’s not true. Monica: (starting to cry) I’m a good person. And I’m a good chef, and I don’t deserve to have marinara sauce all over me! Y’know what, if you want me to quit this bad, then all you have to do is… Joey: (interrupting) Hey! Chef Geller! Y’know that little speech you made the other day? Well I got a problem with it! Monica: You do? Joey: You bet I do! I just ah, wasn’t listening then, that’s all. Monica: Well if you want a problem? I’ll give you a problem! Joey: What are you gonna do? You’re gonna fre me? Monica: You bet your ass I’m gonna fre you! Get out of my kitchen! Get out!! (Joey leaves) All right! Anybody else got a problem? How ‘bout you Chuckles? You think this is funny now? The Waiter: No. Monica: How about if I dance around all covered in sauce? Huh? You think it’s funny now? The Waiter: No, it’s really good. Monica: Good! Now, take those salads to table 4, (to the kitchen worker from earlier) And you! Get the swordfish! (to another assistant chef) And you! Get a haircut! [Scene: The train, it’s pulling into a station.] The Conductor: Last stop, Montreal. This stop is Montreal. Ross: (waking up) What? (notices that there is now a beautiful woman sitting next to him) Woman On Train: I made a bet with myself that you have beautiful eyes. Now that I see them, I win. Ross: What? Woman On Train: We’re at my stop. But would you like to have coffee? Ross: (now fully awake) Are we really in Montreal?! Woman On Train: Yes we are. So, coffee? Ross: Coffee sounds great. (They get up) Wait, so, so you live in Montreal? Woman On Train: Oh, no. But it’s just a two hour ferry ride to Nova Scotia. [Scene: Allesandro’s, Joey is coming back in with his coat on.] Joey: Well I guess I should’ve thought about my wife and kids before I talked back to chef Geller! Monica: Thanks. Joey: Yep! Looks like it’s gonna be a leeeeean Christmas at the Dragon house this year. Monica: Enough! Joey: (leaving) Lean-lean-lean! CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.] Phoebe: (singing) "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap. Asked him to bring my friends all kind of crap. Said all you need is to write them a song. They haven't heard it, so don't try and sing along. No, don't sing along. Monica, Moncia, have a happy Chanukah. Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross. And plese tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy! And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!" Happy holidays, everybody! END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x10 - The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie"}	foreverdreaming
Original Airdate: 01/08/97 Written by: Seth Kurkland Transcribed by: LiAnn Holt [SCENE: Central Perk. Alice (last seen in TOW the Hypnosis tape, the teacher who was going to marry Frank Jr.), Frank Jr., and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is examining Alice's ring.] Phoebe: My little brother is married! Frank Jr: I know! Alice: (squeals happily) Phoebe: You guys, why didn't you tell me you were eloping? Frank Jr: Well, what happened was, we were at the courthouse, and we were having lunch... Phoebe: Wait, wait. Why were you at the courthouse? Frank Jr: We were having lunch. Yeah, and then, all of a sudden, we were like, "We're here, we're having lunch, let's get married, right!" Phoebe: Wow, a year and a half ago I didn't even know I had a brother. Now I have a sister too! [They all laugh and have a group hug. As they break away from the hug, Alice and Frank Jr. have a passionate kiss. Phoebe just watches them.] Phoebe: Okay. Okay. Stop it. Don't! [Frank Jr. and Alice stop kissing.] Alice: Oh. [fanning herself] Phoebe: So, ooh, I'm going to get you a gift now. Is there anything you need? Frank Jr: Uh, yeah. Alice: We've been trying to get pregnant, uh, pretty much ever since we got engaged. We thought we'd get a jump on things. You know, no one's getting any younger. [laughs] Frank Jr: 'cause the thing is, uh, we're not able to, you know, uh, conceive, you know. Alice: We've tried everything; we've seen a bunch of doctors. Frank Jr: Yeah, and they say, they say that our only chance to have a baby is if they take my sperm, her egg, and put it together in a dish, and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into. [Phoebe just stares at them for a moment with a bewildered smile on her face.] Phoebe: That's a really nice gift. I was thinking of, like, a gravy boat. OPENING CREDITS [SCENE: Monica's apartment. Chandler, Monica and Rachel are playing cards around the living room table. Joey and Ross enter.] Joey: Check it out! Check it out! Guess what job I got? [smoothes the blue blazer he's wearing and has a big grin on his face] Chandler: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black. [stops] Ross: What? Chandler: Blue blazer back. He, he wants it back. Rachel: Well you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black? Chandler: Well, you, you know what I meant. Monica: No, you've messed it up. You're stupid. Chandler: [Chandler glares at her and then changes the subject.] So what job did you get Joe? Joey: Oh, tour guide at the Museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me. Rachel: Don't you have to be a dinosaur expert or something? Joey: No, not really. They give you all the information. It's like memorizing a script. [demonstrates] "And on your left, you have Tyrannsoarus rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period." Chandler, Monica and Rachel: [nodding appreciatively] Nice, all right, yeah! Ross: Uh, actually Joey, it's the Cretaceous period. Joey: Yeah, but I can pronounce "Jurassic". [Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! All: Hey! Phoebe: Guess what? Frank Jr. and Alice got married. All: Wow, that's great! [they all get up and go to the kitchen near Phoebe.] Phoebe: And they're going to have a baby! All: Wow, that's great! Phoebe: Yeah! And they want me to grow it for them in my uterus. All: [shocked. They all silently stare at Phoebe] Ross: Oh my God. Monica: Are you serious? Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: [disgustedly] You're really thinking of having sex with your brother? All: [look at Joey] Phoebe: Eww! And no, no! They want me to be the surrogate. It's her egg and his sperm. I'm just the oven. It's totally their bun. Joey: Oh. Monica: What did you tell them? Phoebe: Well, they said I had to think about it first. But what is there to think of? I'm going to be giving someone the greatest gift you can possibly give. Chandler: You're going to carry their child and get them a Sony Play Station? Rachel: Honey, this is really an incredible thing to do for them but there are things to think about. Monica: Yeah, I mean you'd be pregnant. I mean, pregnant. Phoebe: I know. Ross: Pheebs, you're talking about putting your body through an awful lot. I mean, morning sickness, uh, labour. And it's all for somebody else. Phoebe: Yeah, what's your point? [goes to sit on the couch] Ross: The stuff I just mentioned. Rachel: Wow, I don't know if I could ever do that. You know, I always figured the first time I had a baby, it would be with someone I love and that baby would be like, a keeper. Phoebe: You know, you guys were a lot more supportive when I wanted to make denim furniture. Joey: Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this, we'll be supportive like crazy. All: Yeah. Monica: We just want you to think it through. Rachel: Why don't you talk to someone who's had a baby. Like your mom. Phoebe: My mom never gave birth. Oh, but my birth mom did! [SCENE: Central Perk. Chandler and Kathy are kissing by the front doors. Rachel, Monica and Ross are watching them from the couches.] Kathy: [grabbing his tushie] Mmmm, I love this tushie. Can I take it to work with me? Chandler: Oh, yeah, sure. It's not mine anyway. It came with the pants. Kathy: Oh! [kisses him again and then leaves] [Chandler struts to the couches as they all watch him] Rachel: I am so jealous. You guys are just, really, right there, aren't you? Chandler: Yes. Right where? Monica: In the beginning, you know, where it's all sex and talking and sex and talking... Chandler: Yeah, you've, you've got to love the talking. [Monica and Rachel look at him.] Monica: And the sex? Chandler: Oh, we haven't had sex yet. Okay, but what's the big deal, you know? This is special, and I want our love to grow, before we move to the next level. [Monica and Rachel look at him with newfound respect.] Rachel: Chandler, that is so nice. Ross: Yeah, that is nice......lying!! No way is that the reason. Rachel: Why, just because you're not mature enough to understand something like that? Chandler: No, he's right, I'm totally lying. [Ross gives Rachel a smug, "I told you so" look. Rachel glares at him and gives him that 2-fisted gesture from Episode 405 (TOW Joey's New Girlfriend) that represents the finger. Ross, in turn, looks shocked.] Monica: Then what is it? Chandler: Well, Kathy's last girlfriend was Joey. Ross: And you're afraid you won't be able to fill his shoes. [grins] Chandler: No, I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him. Ross: [stops grinning] Yeah, I was going for the metaphor. Chandler: Yes and I was saying the actual words. [Monica and Rachel have been trying not to laugh during this exchange.] Monica: Big deal, so Joey's had a lot of girlfriends. That doesn't mean he's good in bed. Chandler: We share a wall. So either he's great in bed or she just liked to agree with him a lot. Monica: Sweetie, with you it's going to be different. The sex is going to be great 'cause you guys are in love. Chandler: Yeah? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Just go for it Chandler. Monica and Rachel: Yeah, you should. Chandler: [gets up to leave] All right, all right, I'll sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys. [leaves] [SCENE: Museum of Natural History. Joey is giving a tour to a bunch of school kids.] Joey: [gesturing to what I'm presuming is the Mastadon] Okay, now the Mastadon is from the semi-late Jurassic period. Kid: Isn't the Mastadon from the Pliocene Epoch? Joey: [looks nervous] Shhhh. This is a museum. No talking. [moves group along and gestures to a three legged foot] Okay, now right down here we have, uh... a large foot. [the same kid is about to say something but Joey warns him not to say anything by pointing at him. Joey looks to his right and sees Ross, in a large glass display, working with his back to the group.] Uh, and and over here we have Ross Geller. [He knocks on the glass and Ross turns around.] Everyone wave hi to Ross. [all the kids wave] Ross is one of our most important scientists. Look at him hard at work. Ross: [waves back and takes something (a piece of chalk?) from his hand and pretends to make it disappear in his ear. He then makes it appear from his mouth.] Joey: Okay, moving right along. [moves group away] Come on. [SCENE: Phoebe's mother's house. Phoebe's mother (hereby referred to as "Mom") is working on some pottery when there's a knock on the door.] Mom: It's open, come in. Phoebe: [enters] Hi. Mom: Hi. Phoebe: Sorry I'm late. Mom: Oh, that's okay. It gave me time to, uh, finish glazing my nipples. Phoebe: Wow, you really go all out for company. Mom: No, I was working on my pottery. Phoebe: Oh, OH! Oh, I didn't know you did...pot. Mom: Y-yeah. Mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica. Phoebe: Oh, ooh! Erotery! Mom: Hey! Okay! [gives her a hug] Well, thanks for coming out to see me. I just thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person. Phoebe: Okay. [they both sit on the couch] Mom: [sighs] I really don't think it's a very good idea Phoebe. Phoebe: Why not? Mom: Well, because, you'd be giving up a baby. And, uh, I don't know if there's anything I can say that can make you understand the pain of giving up a baby, so, um... [reaches into a large cardboard box next to her and brings out an adorable puppy.] Phoebe: [gasps] Oh, I understand. Don't, don't hurt the puppy. Mom: No no, the puppy is for you. [hands her the puppy] Phoebe: Oh, I get a puppy? Mom: Well, yeah. But, only for three days. Phoebe: Why? [the puppy starts wriggling in her arms and she plays with him] Mom: Well, you know, I realize that I don't have any right to start getting all parenty on you and everything, but, um, [Phoebe is clearly not listening, only playing around with the puppy] er, .. Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy, it's very important. Phoebe: Okay. [puts the puppy in her lap and tries not to play with it.] Mom: I mean, I know what I'm talking about. I gave up two babies. And I only wish that I had someone there who had given up babies who could have told me how terrible it is to give up a babies. Phoebe: [sighs softly] Mom: I just think it would be something that you would regret every day for the rest of your life. [reaches over to pet the puppy] So, however hard it is for you to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child. Phoebe: [playing with puppy again] Mom: I really shouldn't have given you the puppy first. Phoebe: All right, it's okay. [SCENE: Museum cafeteria. There are three tables. Joey is sitting at an end table with 2 other guys wearing the same blue blazer. The table in the middle is empty. The table on the other side is filled with guys in white coats.] [A girl (Rhonda) with a blue blazer enters the cafeteria and starts to sit down next to Joey.] Joey: Oh, uh, would you mind sitting here? [gesturing across from him] I'm saving this seat for my friend Ross. Rhonda: You mean Dr. Geller? Joey: Doctor? I didn't know he had a nickname. Rhonda: Oh, he won't sit here. Only the people in the white coats sit over there [gesturing to the other end table] and only the people with the blue blazers sit over here. Joey: Well, uh, how come? Rhonda: That's just the way it is. Joey: That's crazy. Rhonda: Maybe it's crazy in a perfect world -- a world without lab coats or blazers. But you not in a perfect world. You in a museum now. [looks behind her] See that scientist with the glasses? [Joey looks at him] He and I used to play together all the time in grade school. Hmph, but now... [turns around and yells] PETER! HEY PETER! [the scientist looks nervously at her but doesn't respond] IT'S ME RHONDA, FROM P.S. 129. I SHARED MY PUDDING WITH YOU, MAN! I GAVE YOU MY SNACK PACK! [turns around back to Joey] See, he pretend he [turns back to the scientist] DON'T EVEN HEAR ME. Joey: I, I think everybody's pretending they don't hear you. Look, I don't know about you and your jackets and your separate tables but Ross is one of my best friends. If I save him a seat, I'm telling you, he will sit in it. [Ross enters the cafeteria wearing his white lab coat and goes to the table with the other scientists.] Joey: Ross, Ross, over here man. [gestures beside him] I saved you a seat. Ross: [puts his tray on the table with the other scientists. He looks at the scientists and then at Joey.] That's okay, I'm cool over here. I'll catch up with you later. [Rhonda looks knowingly at Joey. Another girl in a green shirt comes to sit in what was Ross's saved seat.] Rhonda: Oops, this is saved. [Rhonda shoos the girl away. The girl goes to the middle table. Joey looks questioningly at Rhonda.] Rhonda: Gift shop. COMMERCIAL BREAK [SCENE: Monica's living room. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Joey is eating at the kitchen table.] Ross: [enters] Hey. (to Joey) Listen, I'm really really sorry about what happened today in the cafeteria. Joey: It's no big deal you know. You do what you gotta do, right? Ross: It's not just me. The scientists and the tour guides never sit together. Joey: [looks at him for a second and then gets up to throw his garbage away.] Whatever. Ross: It's like that everywhere Joey. Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work, the waiters eat with the other waiters and the chefs eat with the other chefs, right? Monica: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me. [Rachel puts her arm consolingly around Monica] Joey: Look, Ross, really, it's no big deal. You know, you wear a white coat, I wear a blue blazer, if that means we can't be friends at work, then, so be it. I understand. When I'm in a play and you're in the audience, I don't talk to you, right? So, you know, it's cool. I'll see you tomorrow. [leaves] Rachel: Yeah, when we're in the audience, he doesn't talk to us, but he does wave. [SCENE: Later, in Monica's apartment. Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is holding the dog and is humming "Rock a Bye Babie."] Chandler: [enters] Hey. Why's Phoebe singing to Karl Malden? Phoebe: Oh, you know what? I think it's time for the puppy to go out again. Come on, let's go on the balcony. [gets up with puppy] Monica: What? Phoebe: Uh, the street. Come on, let's go to the street. [to everyone] Oh, listen, don't go on the balcony until I get back. [leaves] Monica: [to Chandler] So, did you do it? Chandler: [dejectedly] Yes, yes, we had the sex. Monica: Uh-oh, was it bad? Chandler: It was fine, you know, but she didn't agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, uh, "Oh, I see your point. I'm all right with it." Monica: Well, it was the first time. You know, there's not always a lot of agreement on the first time. Rachel: Yeah, not for girls anyway. Guys agree [snaps her fingers] like that. Chandler: Look, you have to help me, okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman. I know where everything goes. It's always...nice. But I need to know what makes it go from "nice" to "My God, somebody's klling her in there!" Monica: All right, I'm going to show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rach, hand me that pad over there. [Rach gets a pad and pen off the table and hands it to Monica.] All right. Now...[starts to draw] Chandler: You don't have to draw an actual wo -- [looks at Monica's drawing] Woah, she' hot. Monica: Now, everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. You got, [starts labelling her diagram] one, two, three, [Chandler nods impatiently], four [now Chandle looks up, surprised], five, six, and seven. Chandler: [shocked] There are seven? Rachel: Let me see that. [looks at the drawing] Oh yeah. Chandler: [points to diagram] That's one? Monica: [chuckles] Kind of an important one. Chandler: Oh, you know what, I was looking at it upside down. Rachel: Well, you know, sometimes that helps. Monica: Okay, now, most guys will ht one, two, and three and then go to seven and set up camp. Chandler: And that's bad? Rachel: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn. Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like seven. Monica: All right, uh the important thing is to take your time. You want to ht them all and you want to mix them up. You got to keep them on their toes. Rachel: Oh, TOES!! [raises hands in air. They both look at her.] Yeah, for some people. Monica: Okay, you could, uh, start with a little one; a two; a one, two, three; a three; a five; a four, a three-two; a two, a two-four-six; [Monica starts to get into it ] two-four-six; four [Rachel kind of moves back and stretches out] a two; [Monica now has her eyes closed and is getting visibly excited] two; four-seven; five-seven [Chandler looks away from both of them as if he can't believe what's happening]; six-seven; seven, seven, [faster] SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-[Chandler looks at her in disbelief] SEVEN-SEVEN! [Monica, eyes still closed, leans back and shudders and says silently, while holding up seven fingers, "seven".] [SCENE: Museum cafeteria. Once again, the scientists and tour guides are segregated. Joey is eating with the other tour guides. Ross enters and slowly walks towards his usual scientist table. For simplicity, I'll refer to the various people as Scientists or Tour Guides.] Scientist #1: Dr. Geller, there's a seat over here. [gesturing across from him] Ross: Thank you Dr. Phillips, but I'm having my lunch at this table [puts tray down on middle table] in the middle. I'm having my lunch right here with my good friend Joey, if he'll sit with me. Joey: [gets up, tray in hand, and walks to the middle table] I will sit with you Dr. Geller. [he puts his tray down on the table and Ross and Joey shake hands.] Ross: You know, we work in the Museum of Natural History, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and you know what I see? I see division. Division between people with white coats and people in blue blazers. And I ask, myself, my God, WHY? Now I say, we shed these coats that separate us and get to know the people underneath. [He whips off his lab coat and throws it on the floor.] I'm Ross. I'm divorced, and I have a kid. Joey: [stands up, whips coat off and throws it on the floor vehemently] I'm Joey. I'm an actor. I don't know squat about dinosaurs. Tour Guide #1: [stands up from tour guide table and takes blazer off] I'm Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me. Ross: All right, there you go. Joey: You hang in there Ted! Scientist #1: [gets up from scientist table and removes lab coat] I'm Andrew, and I didn't pay for this pear [holds up pear from lunch tray] Ross: Okay, okay, good for you. Tour Guide #2: [gets up and removes blazer] I'm Rhonda, and these [gestures to her breasts] aren't real! [Joey and Ross look stunned.] Ross: [stammering] oh, uh, er, Wow, Rhonda. Scientist #2: [stands up and removes labcoat] I'm Scott. Ross: Ah, okay Scott! Scott: I have to turn the light switch on and off 17 times before leaving a room or my family will die. [SCENE: Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are on the couch. Phoebe is holding the puppy.] Phoebe: My mom's going to be here any minute. I can't do this, I can't give him up. Rachel: [sadly] Oh. Phoebe: Yes, no, I can. I don't want to. But I can. No. Rachel: [looking away] Oh, I can't watch this. It's like "Sophie's Choice." Monica: You know, I never saw that. Rachel: Oh, it was only okay. Phoebe: [groans] My mom was right. If I can't give him* up, there's no way I can give up a little baby. Frank and Alice are going to be so crushed. What, what else can I give them? A kidney? [Frank Jr. and Alice enter] Alice: Hi! All: Hi. Alice: We were just in the neighbourhood, so... Frank Jr: So we thought we'd stop by and let you know there's still no pressure. Alice: None. But if there was something you wanted to tell us, we're just going to be right over there drinking coffee. Phoebe: Okay. Frank Jr: [seeing the puppy] Who is this little guy? [picks up puppy] Oh, he's so cute, he reminds me of my old dog, Tumor. [plays with puppy] Alice: You are so precious, I could just take you home. Phoebe: Hey, why don't you? Frank Jr: Are you serious? Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah! Frank Jr: Oh, thanks. Monica: What are you doing? Phoebe: No, I'm really okay with this. You know why? Cause look at them. [Frank Jr. and Alice are laughing and playing with the puppy.] Look how happy there are. And I made that. I know it's going to be like a million times harder to give up a baby but oh my God! It's going to feel like a million times better, right? [Rachel and Monica look at her; both are teary] [to Frank Jr. and Alice] I want to do this. I want to carry your baby. Alice: Oh! Oh! Thank you so much. You don't know what this means to us. [hugs Phoebe] Frank Jr: Oh my God, I think I'm gonna cry. [hugs Phoebe] Oh my God. Monica: [to Phoebe] It's going to be so great. Phoebe: Uh-huh. [Phoebe's mom enters] Mom: What's going on? Phoebe: Oh, I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided I'm going to carry their baby. Mom: [looks alarmed] Phoebe... Phoebe: No, no, I know. You and I are totally different people. And this is a totally different situation. And I know that I'm not going to regret this. Mom: No, I know. I understand all that. It's just...that was my puppy. Phobe: Oh! CLOSING CREDITS [SCENE: Monica's kitchen. Monica and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table.] Monica: Would you surrogate? Rachel: Depends who asked. Monica: What if I asked? Rachel: Oh, Mon. Sure. Monica: Really? Rachel: Yes. Rachel: You're not asking me, are you? Monica: No. Rachel: Yes, totally. [Kathy enters, hair disheveled, shirt buttoned up in the wrong holes. She kneels by Monica's chair and hugs her.] Kathy: Thank you. Thank you. [hugs her again and then gets up to leave] Thank you. Yes, thank you! [leaves] END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x11 - The One With Phoebe's Uterus"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it’s 0-Dark:30, in other words it’s really, really early. Everyone’s asleep, and all through the apartments not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That is except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into their living room, searching for the cause of the sound.] Rachel: What the hell is that?!! (to Monica) What the hell is that? Is that you? (Monica nods her head no, and Rachel realizes what is making that sound.) Ohhhhhhh! (storms over to Chandler and Joey’s with Monica in trail.) Monica: Boy, you are really not a morning person. Rachel: (angrily) BACK OFF!!! (She starts banging on their door.) Get up! Get up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!! (Chandler opens the door, finally.) Rachel: What is that noise? Chandler: You! Joey: It’s the chick! She’s…going through some changes. Monica: What kind of changes? Chandler: Well the vet seems to think that’s she’s becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) We’re getting a second opinion. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it’s later that morning, everybody has gotten up and Ross and Phoebe has joined them for breakfast. Rachel is returning from shopping.] Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight in the morning? Rachel: Well, I’ve been up since six. Thanks to somebody’s dumb-ass rooster. Phoebe: You guys you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn’t be living in an apartment. Rachel: Yeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around… Phoebe: All right. I’m gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if I’m ready to have Frank and Alice’s embryo transferred into my uterus. Ross: Now, how will they know if you’re ready? Phoebe: Oh, they’re just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is thick. Chandler: Oh, I can uh, check that for ya. Phoebe: Okay everyone, think thick. All: Good-bye! Good luck! (She opens the door to reveal Monica and Joey.) Phoebe: Hi! Wish me luck! Monica: Oh, good luck. Joey: Good luck. (to Monica) And I’m still right! Monica: That is sooo not true! Rachel: What? Joey: She’s mad because I know today’s her laundry day and that means she’s wearing her old lady underpants. Chandler: I can check that for ya. Monica: I just—I can’t believe that you think that you and Chandler know me and Rachel better than we know you. Chandler: Well… we-we do. You can only eat Tic Tacks in even numbers. Joey: Yeah, what’s that about? Chandler: (to Rachel) And you… Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel’s bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there. Ross: (He does so, and finds a half-eaten box of cookies.) You’re good. (Tries a cookie.) These are not. Rachel: I’m so not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop. Monica: Yeah. Joey: Oh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that bag? Ross: Five. Chandler: Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag. Rachel: How many guesses do you get? Joey: Six. Ross: Challenge extended. Monica: Deal! Ross: Challenge excepted. Joey: All right, we’ll start with…apples. Ross: We’ll be starting with apples. Chandler: (to Ross) Stop that now! (Ross reveals a bag of apples.) Chandler: Yes! Joey: Okay. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt. Chandler: Diet soda. Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes. (They’re perfect so far.) Chandler: Orange juice. Rachel: No! There’s no orange juice in there! We win!! Monica: Ha-ha! Ross: They have another guess. Rachel: Okay, well, we won that one. Joey: Okay, the last thing… Chandler: Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joey’s ear.) Joey: No-no, not for like another two weeks. Chandler: I got it! Scotch… tape. (They’re right.) Ross: How did you know she would buy scotch tape? Chandler: Well, we used there’s up last night making scary faces. Monica: Aww, man! Chandler: All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it. Monica: That does not mean you know us better, I-I want a rematch. Rachel: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal questions. Monica: Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks. Joey: Serious? Monica: Are you scared? Joey: No! All right, who-who makes up the questions? Monica: Ross will do it. Ross: Oh sure, "Ross will do it!" It’s not like he has a job, or a child, or a life of his own. Rachel: Fine! We’ll ask Phoebe. Ross: No-no-no, I-I wanna play. [Scene: The Doctor’s office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice watch.] Dr. Zane: It looks like your uterus is ready for implantation. Phoebe: Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning. Frank: Well, okay, so what’s now—go get, go get the eggs, put ‘em in there. Dr. Zane: Okay, it’ll take just a little while to prepare the embryos. Phoebe: Embryossss? As in, "More than one?" Dr. Zane: Um-hmm, five actually. Phoebe: Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the stairs? Dr. Zane: We do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach. Phoebe: That’s it! 25 percent? That means that’s it’s like 75 percent chance of no baby at all! Frank: Hey, y’know I was thinking, what are the odds like if-if, if you stuff like 200 of them in there? Alice: Sweety, now, she’s a woman, not a gumball machine. Phoebe: Okay, well y’know what, don’t worry you guys, ‘cause I’m-I’m gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right. Frank: Well, you see, the-the thing is, we-we only got, we kinda have one sht to make it right. Alice: Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, we’re kinda using all the money we have to do it just this one time. Phoebe: Whoa!! That—okay, that’s a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well okay, so is there—is maybe is there something that I can do y’know just to like help make sure I get pregnant? Dr. Zane: No, I’m sorry. Phoebe: Wow! You guys really don’t know anything! Frank: I know! Why don’t you get drunk! That worked for a lot of girls in my high school. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is about to begin.] Monica: You guys! Do you realize that any minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant? Joey: Huh. Rachel: I know! I know, it’s such a huge, life-altering thing. Joey: I know. (They all pause and think about it.) Ross: The test is ready. All: Yeah! Yes! (They all right into the living room, all excited.) Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It’s All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He flips the coin and they all watch it ht the table and stop. Then they all look up at him, to see who goes first.) Okay, somebody call it this time. All: Oh yeah! (Ross flips the coin again.) Rachel: Tails! Ross: It’s heads. (The guys celebrate.) Gentlemen, pick your category. Chandler: Fears and Pet Peeves. Ross: What is Monica’s biggest pet peeve? Joey: Animals dressed as humans. Ross: That’s correct. Ladies? Monica: Same category? Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him? Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance! Ross: That is correct. Joey: (to Chandler) The Irish gig guy?! Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent of his body! Ross: Gentlemen, you’re pick. Joey: It’s All Relative. Ross: Monica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral, name that grandmother! Joey: (to Chandler) Nana? Chandler: She has a real name. Joey: (answering the question) Althea! Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?! Joey: I took a sht. Chandler: You're shting with Althea?! Ross: Althea is correct. Chandler: Nice shting! (Ross motions for the girls to pick.) Rachel: We’ll take Literature!! Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address label? Rachel: Chandler gets it! It’s Chandler Bing! Monica: No!! Ross: I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong. Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use you’re head! Chandler: Actually, it’s Miss Chinandolor Bong. [Scene: The Doctor’s office, Phoebe is giving a pep talk to the petrie dish containing the embryos.] Phoebe: Hello, tiny embryos. Well, I’m-I’m Phoebe Buffay, hi! I’m-I’m-I’m hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know, that we’re doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, you’ve been there! Umm, y’know they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on. Okay, and-and I promise that I’ll keep you safe and warm until you’re ready to have them take you home, so… Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, I’m screaming, don’t worry, that’s what’s supposed to happen. Dr. Zane: Ready? Phoebe: Uh-huh. (To the embryos) Good luck. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is coming to a close.] Ross: All right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you miss this the game is theirs, pick your category. Rachel: (shouting) It’s All Relative!! Ross: You don’t have to shout everything. Rachel: (shouting) I’m sorry! Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandler’s father’s Las Vegas all-male burlesque? Monica: Viva Las Gaygas! Chandler: Unfortunately that is correct. The Girls: Yes!! Ross: All right, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. (He opens up an envelope and holds up some note cards.) The Lightning Round! All: Ohhhh. Ross: Thirty seconds, all the questions you can answer. Monica: You guys are dad, I am so good at lighting rounds. Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. All right, we’re gonna destroy you. Monica: Huh, wanna bet? Chandler: Well, I’m so confused as to what we’ve been doing so far… Monica: How about we play for more money, say 150? Ross: 150 dollars. Chandler: Say 200? Ross: 200 dollars. Monica: You’re doing it again. Ross: Excuse me. Rachel: Monica, I don’t want to lose 200 dollars. Monica: We won’t. (to Chandler) 300? Rachel: Monica?! Monica: I’m just trying to spice it up! Rachel: Okay, so let’s play for some pepper! Stop spending my money! Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster? Rachel: Oooohh that’s interesting. Joey: Hey, no way, that rooster’s family! Rachel: Throw in the duck too! Joey: What do you have against the duck?! He doesn’t make any noise! Rachel: Well, he gets the other one all riled up. Joey: Look, we are not gonna… Chandler: (interrupting) All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds. Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.) Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment. Joey: Oooooh! Monica: Deal! COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, only slightly later.] Rachel: Monica, betting the apartment, I don’t know about this. Monica: Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game. I own this game! Look at my hand. (Holds up her hand.) Rachel: Why? Do you have the answers written on there? Monica: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me. Rachel: All right, let’s do it. Monica: Come on! Rachel: Okay. (They go into the living room.) Ross: All right, gentlemen, you’re up first. Joey: Okay. Chandler: Okay. (Starts jumping around.) Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round begins—stop it (Chandler stops jumping)—now. What was Monica’s nickname when she was a field hockey goalie? Joey: Big fat goalie. Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie… Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons. Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is... Joey: Weekend at Bernie’s. Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? Chandler: Oh! (Whispers something in Joey’s ear and then in Ross’s ear.) Ross: Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? (They both confer.) Joey: Everyday use. Chandler: Fancy. Joey: Guest. Chandler: Fancy guest. Ross: Two seconds… Joey: Uhh, 11! Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right, that’s 4 for the guys. Ladies, you’re up. Rachel: All right! Monica: Come on! (As they change places, they give each other the now patented Ross maneuver. If you don’t know what that means, click here to find out The One With Joey’s New Girlfriend.) Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round begins…now! What is Joey’s favorite food? Monica: Sandwiches! Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl’s breast? Rachel: 14? Ross: No, 19. Chandler: Thanks man. Ross: Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was? Monica: Maurice. Ross: Correct, his profession was? Rachel: Space cowboy! Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job? (The girls are stumped) Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers. Monica: And processing. Rachel: He carries a briefcase. Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game. Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding. Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce—transpondster! Monica: That’s not even a word! I can get this! I can get this! (Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.) Monica: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Rachel: Oh my God. Chandler and Joey: YEAH!!! YES!!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are carrying in the foosball table.] Joey: I call Monica’s room! Chandler: You can’t just call Monica’s room. Joey: Sure I can, standard gn rules, I’m sight of the room and I called it. (Chandler grunts and turns around, sees that he’s in sight of the room, and mouths damn!) Monica: Man, I feel like I’m coming down with something. Joey: What? Monica: Yeah. (to Chandler) I bet you can’t guess what color my tonsils are? I’ll bet the apartment! Chandler: Oh, I would never bet this apartment. It’s too nice. Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey—ooh Pheebs, are they in there? Phoebe: Umm, yeah, uh-huh, they’re implanted. Monica: How do you feel? Phoebe: Well, freaked. ‘Cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. And! This is Frank and Alice’s like only sht. Like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket. Chandler: Yeah, but I bet it works. Monica: Really?! How much?! Phoebe: All right, I’m gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now. Joey: Oh wow! You can tell this soon. Phoebe: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my body’s always been a little faster than Western medicine. Rachel: (entering from Chandler’s bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball table.) Oh my God! I can’t believe you guys are actually think you’re moving in here! Chandler: Well believe it baby! Rachel: Well I-I-I’m not moving. Joey: What?! Rachel: No, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game! Joey: You can’t just ignore the bet! It’s a bet! You bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the bet! Monica: Look Rach, we have to move. I mean if they had lost, we would’ve made them get rid of the birds. Right? Rachel: Noooo. Monica: All right, look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel better, it’s all your fault. Rachel: What?! Monica: Chinadolor Bong, come on, we steal that TV Guide every week! Chandler: I knew it! Rachel: I don’t care, I’m not going anywhere. Chandler: Cool, girl roommate. (Phoebe comes in from the bathroom as Rachel sits down in disgust.) Monica: Well? Phoebe: Nope, not knocked up yet. Monica: It’s only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time. Phoebe: Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, I’m gonna do whatever I can to help this so, I’m just gonna y’know, lie it your chair, (She climbs into the chair and drapes her feet over the back of the chair.) Y'know? Yeah, good, I’m let gravity y’know, do its jobs. [Cut too later, the moving process is progressing steadily. Monica is trying to lift a heavy box, as Rachel comes in from Chandler’s bedroom.] Monica: Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box? Rachel: No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girl’s apartment! That is a boy’s apartment, it’s dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It’s-it’s so pretty! And look, and it’s-it’s purple! And I’m telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. (She holds out her hand, which is shaking uncontrollably.) Monica: I’ll take care of it. Rachel: That’s right! You do what the hand says! [Cut to later, Phoebe is still in the chair and Rachel is laying down as Monica enters.] Rachel: How did it go? Monica: I lost our mattresses. [Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself to move and is now helping Monica. Phoebe is still on the chair.] Phoebe: (singing) "Are you in there little fetus? In nine will you come great us? I will buy you some Adidas." (There’s a knock on the door and Monica answers it.) Monica: Hey! Frank and Alice: (entering) Hi! Alice: Hi, Phoebe! We were just at the drugstore and we got you a little present. Phoebe: Oh. Oh. Frank: Umm, it’s a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test. Monica: Hey, don’t mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop. Alice: So umm, you feel like taking a test? There’s only one question. Phoebe: All right, I will. No, I will. But umm, y’know just remember that it’s still really early, okay so, if it says that I’m not pregnant, that doesn’t mean that I’m not gonna get pregnant, okay and, and just please, just so I don’t go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this. Alice: Okay. Frank: Okay. (They both squeal in expectation.) Phoebe: Great. (Goes to take the test.) (The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph) Rachel: Y’know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean! Joey: Hey, don’t get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes! Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me! Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn’t gotten the question wrong! Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question! Ross: Don’t blame the questions! Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us! Rachel: Will you stop calling it your apartment! Joey: But it is our apartment! Rachel: No it’s not! (They all decay into massive bickering as Phoebe returns from the bathroom.) Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You’re gonna have a baby! They’re gonna have a baby! Frank: MY SISTER’S GONNA HAVE MY BABY!!!!!!! (They all go over and hug Phoebe.) Phoebe: Okay, but this can’t be good for the baby. All: Oh! (They stop hugging her to let her out and resume the hug without her.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are busy unpacking.] Monica: I can’t find garbage bags! Rachel: Oh, I think I saw some in here. (She opens a door and they both scream at horror at what’s inside of it.) Monica: What is it?! Rachel: I don’t know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it’ll die. Monica: I can’t believe we’re living here! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, they’re both unpacked. The big ceramic dog has found a new home in front of the window. Joey screams and runs into the living room.] Chandler: What?! What-what is it?! Joey: Did you see the size of the closets?! Chandler: I can’t believe we live here! (They both sit down on the chairs and put up the foot rest.) Chandler and Joey: Awwwww!! (They lean back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!! END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x12 - The One With The Embryos"}	foreverdreaming
Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen [Scene: A Theatre, Chandler and Ross are there to watch the premiere of Kathy’s play.] Chandler: Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the star of the play! Ross: People can hear you. Chandler: I know!! (The play starts.) Chandler: Wow! She looks great. Doesn’t she? Ross: Yeah. (Onstage there’s a knock on the door and Kathy opens it. We don’t see what’s going on, only hear it.) Kathy's Co-Star: Hi! Kathy: Hi! Ross: That is one good looking man! Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?! Kathy's Co-Star: Sooo, you’ve been doing this long? Kathy: No, you’re my first. Put the money on the table. (Ross and Chandler have stunned looks on their faces as Kathy and her co-star start making out.) Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, that’s nice. (They start making out harder.) Ross: Dude! Kathy's Co-Star: Is that an expensive blouse? Kathy: If you want it to be. (Kathy’s co-star rips her blouse off and buttons go flying into the audience, and one hits Ross. Chandler’s mouth is on the floor.) Ross: Here’s your girlfriend’s button. (Holding the button.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is still unpacking after the move, and Phoebe is their also.] Phoebe: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school? Monica: Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why? Phoebe: Well, it’s just that maternity clothes are so expensive. (Rachel enters) Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just…(Rachel grunts and throws her purse at it)…throw your purses at it. Rachel: Bloomingdale’s eliminated my department. (Phoebe gasps) Monica: Oh my God, are you out of a job? Rachel: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge step down! Phoebe: Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy? Rachel: Uh-huh. Phoebe: That sounds great! Joey: (entering) Hey! (Goes to the fridge.) Monica: Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can’t eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended. Joey: (Holding a turkey leg) There’s gravy? Monica: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, that’s your department now. (She takes back the turkey leg) (Joey climbs up on the counter and starts looking at the top of the cabinets.) Monica: What are you doing? Joey: I think I left a donut up here. [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are entering after the play. Phoebe and Joey are already there.] Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Ooh! How was Kathy’s play? Ross: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good lookin’ guy. Chandler: Yeah, it’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it! Phoebe: That’s a good idea for a business! Chandler: I’m totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they’re gonna go to their cast parties and he’s gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it’ll be like, "So where’s your boyfriend, what’s-his-name, Chester?" And she’ll go, "No-no-no, it’s Chandler." And he’ll go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Joey: (to Ross) That-that is a good trick. Chandler: All right, look, look, what am I gonna do? Joey: Chandler, look they’re actors. They’re there to do a job, just ‘cause they work together, doesn’t mean they’re gonna get together. I mean just ‘cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen with them. Ross: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. Joey: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood. Ross: They’re not a couple! Phoebe: Oh-okay, I get the game now. Joey: Okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on stage, was it like really hot? Ross: Oh yeah! Joey: Well okay, so then you’re fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as it’s hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. It’s when the heat goes away, that’s when you’re in trouble. Chandler: Really? Joey: Look, you guys have been to every play I’ve ever been in, have I ever had chemistry on stage? Ross: No. Joey: Noooo!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the gng minus Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast. Ross and Chandler are sitting at the foosball table and eating.] Chandler: So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight? Ross: Y’know what, I don’t know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend. Chandler: Yeah, I know but… Ross: Oh no-no-no, I’m there. Monica: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey Mon! Want some pancakes? Monica: You made pancakes? Joey: Yep! Grab a plate. Monica: Okay. (She does so and starts to walk towards Joey to receive her pancakes.) Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and Joey flips her a pancake, which flies over her head and lands in the living room.) Gettin’ closer. Chandler: Okay, okay, but don’t worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I’m fairly certain are the same thing. Joey: Listen also we’re uh, we’re watching the game here Saturday night, if people want to come over. Ross: Oh yeah! Monica: Oh, I was thinking about having people over for the game. Joey: Oh yeah, who’s playing? Monica: The players. Ross: Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess. Monica: (laughs) Please, it’s a relief is what it is, is what it is. Joey: All right Pheebs, stick out your plate! Phoebe: Oh. (Joey flips the pancake and Phoebe catches it and throws it on her plate.) [Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job.] Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, I’m quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it! (Pause) I’m telling you I’m quitting! That’s it! I’m talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up as her boss, Mr. Waltham, walks in.) Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah really need to talk to you. Mr. Waltham: In a moment, please, I’m in the middle of a task. And you have a customer. (It’s a really good-looking man, Joshua, that Rachel has an instant crush on. Well actually it’s Tate Donovan, so it’s not like she’s really testing her acting skills.) Rachel: Hi! Joshua: Hi, I’m Joshua. Rachel: Hi, I’m Rachel Green. What can I do for you Joshua? Joshua: Well, I need a whole new wardrobe. My wife, well my ex-wife… Rachel: Oh, I’m so sorry. (He walks over to look and some clothes and Rachel quickly turns around and adjusts her bra, trying to show off her assets.) Joshua: Anyway, she brned all of my clothes. I got away with two things. This suit and what turned out to be a skirt. Rachel: Well, at least that’s a great suit. Joshua: Yeah, but it wasn’t much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in the skirt. (Rachel laughs) So I need everything down to underwear, so if you’re willing, I’m all yours. Rachel: Okay. Mr. Waltham: Rachel, you needed to speak to me? Rachel: No-no, that wasn’t me! (To Joshua) Well, we should get started. Let me show you my underwear. (Joshua turns at that) The selection of underwear we carry. (He walks out and Rachel stares at his butt as he leaves. He makes a wrong turn.) Rachel: Oh-oh, sorry, it’s this way, it’s this way. (Motions to the correct way.) Joshua: It’s this way? Sorry. (He walks past her and she again admires his butt.) [Scene: Kathy’s play, Ross and Chandler are waiting for her in the lobby after the play.] Chandler: I’m right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now there’s no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means! Ross: All right, let’s not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was some sexual chemistry between them. Chandler: Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there! Ross: Here she comes. Don’t say a word, okay? Just be cool, don’t be…y'know you. Kathy: Hey you guys! Ross: Hey! Kathy: Hi! (Kisses Chandler) Thank you so much for coming again. Did you like it tonight? Ross: Oh, absolutely! (Chandler mumbles something.) Kathy: Wasn’t Nick funny when he couldn’t get his match lit? (Chandler laughs without opening his mouth.) Kathy: It’s a good play, isn’t it? (Chandler mumbles something, and Ross tells him to "Come on.") Chandler: Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you’re having sex with him. Ross: Okay, I… (Walks away.) Kathy: Clearly, I’m having sex with him? Chandler: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two! Kathy: Okay, so let me just get this straight. You’re accusing me of cheating on you, and insulting my performance? Chandler: Y’know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you’re up there every night, you’re naked, touching, kissing. Kathy: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! I’m-I’m playing a part in a play! How can you not trust me?! Chandler: Well, you can understand, given how we started. Kathy: Oh, wow. I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face. Chandler: Well, that is what happened, and I don’t even see you denying this! Kathy: I’ll tell you what, Chandler, why don’t you call me when you grow up! Chandler: Yeah, well, don’t expect that to happen anytime soon! COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are there eating pizza as Rachel enters.] Rachel: I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over today, and I got to dress him up all day! Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll. Rachel: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! Joshua! Josh. Ross: Uh, hello! Rachel: Hi-e!! Phoebe: Ooh, what do I smell? Joey: I don’t know, it smells good. (He goes over and opens the door to reveal Monica holding a plate of cookies and a fan to blow the smell across the hall.) Monica: Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven! Phoebe: Ooh! (They all go over to her apartment) Monica: Please, have some! Ross: Oh, yumm! Monica: Yeah, I’ve just been fiddling around in here making delicious treats for everyone. Joey: (Holding a magazine) Wow! The new Playboy! Monica: Yeah, it’s just something I picked up. Ross: Cookies and prn, you’re the best mom ever!! (Rachel laughs hysterically for no reason.) Phoebe: What? What? Rachel: Well, it was just something Josh said about v-necks, but you had to be there. Ross: Yeah, how does Jason look in a v-neck? Rachel: It’s Joshua. Ross: Oh, whatever. (Laughs and gives Joey the thumbs up heading back to his apartment. Joey follows him) Monica: Wait! Wait! This isn’t take-out! Phoebe: (getting up) Well, I hate to eat and run, but… Monica: No, wait, please don’t go! I’ve got prn for you too! Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t need it. Monica: People are supposed to wanna hang out here! Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal? Monica: I’m the hostess! Not those guys! I’m always the hostess! I mean, I was always the hostess, I mean even when I was little, I mean the girls brought their dollies to my tea party, I-I served the best air. Phoebe: Well, why did you make like a whole big thing out of y'know, everyone has to hang out in the big apartment? Monica: ‘Cause they took our apartment, I wanted to punish them. But I’m-I’m done now. They’ve suffered enough. Phoebe: If you wanted to punish them, you should’ve just made them hang out here! Rachel: Yeah, that’s true. Monica: All right then, when I’m done with this place, it’s gonna be ten times better than that place! Phoebe: Oh, are we gonna trash that place? (Chandler comes back, obviously drunk, and trips over the steps.) Chandler: Steps! (He opens the door to his apartment to Ross and Joey looking at the new Playboy) Slut! (Ross and Joey quickly hide the Playboy behind their backs. Chandler wonders into the girl’s apartment.) You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy! All: What?! Ross: So you were right? Chandler: I confronted her, and she didn’t deny it! (Pause) I don’t live here! (Goes back into his apartment and they all follow him.) Ross: Chandler! Rachel: Chandler, what did she say? Phoebe: Wait a minute. Joey: Come here. Monica: Are you sure? Chandler: Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak Julie’s… Rachel: Beefsteak Charlie’s? Chandler: Yes! See you and I have always been like—(motions that they think the same.) [Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Monica is lugging one of those floor polishing machines through the hallway. Rachel comes up the steps and stops when she sees Monica.] Rachel: Whoops. (Starts to go into Chandler and Joey’s.) Oh, hey, do you need help with that? Monica: Nah, I got it. Rachel: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. (She goes into Chandler and Joey’s.) [Cut to inside the apartment.] Rachel: Hi! All: Hey! Rachel: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. It’s just so frustrating! Phoebe: Why don’t you ask him out? Joey: Oh, yeah, totally! That’s such a turn-on! Rachel: Really? It doesn’t seem desperate? Joey: Oh-ooh, that’s the turn-on. Phoebe: He just got a divorce right? Rachel: Hmm-mmm. Phoebe: So he’s probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make the first move. Rachel: Yeah but, I’ve never asked a guy out before. Phoebe: (shocked) You’ve never asked a guy out?!! Rachel: No. Have you? Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesn’t make me sound too good does it? Rachel: I don’t even know how I would go about it. Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin’?" Phoebe: Oh, please! Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin’? (Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.) Rachel: You know what, I’m gonna do that, I’m gonna call him up, and I’m gonna ask him out. I can do that. Ask him out. (Practising) How you doin’? (Calls him) Hi! Joshua? It’s Rachel Green from Bloomingdale’s. (Listens) Yeah, umm, I was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left your wallet at the store today? Well, we found a wallet, and we—(Listens) the license? Well, that is a good idea! Uh, well, let’s see here this says this license belongs to a uh, uh, belongs to a mister uh, Pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to bother you at home. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye. (Hangs up) (to Phoebe) You’ve done that a thousand times? Phoebe: I’ve never done that. Rachel: Ohh, God, I just got so nervous that he would say no. Joey: Well, you gotta give him something that he can’t say no too. Like uh, Knicks tickets! Invite the guy to a Knicks game, you’re guaranteed he’ll say yes! Rachel: Really?! You think that will work? Joey: Absolutely! And if it doesn’t, can I get the extra ticket? (We hear a noise coming from Monica and Rachel’s apartment.) Joey: What the heck is that? (They go open the door and reveal Monica being spun around on the floor polisher and getting the cord wrapped around her legs.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are watching a movie as Chandler comes in from his bedroom.] Chandler: Did she call? Phoebe: No, sorry. Chandler: All right, maybe I should call her. Joey: No! Forget her, man! You don’t need her, you don’t need that! Ross: He’s right, what she did was unforgivable. Chandler: Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong? Ross: How might you be wrong? Chandler: Well y'know, what if she didn’t actually sleep with the guy? Joey: Dude, tell me she actually told you this. Chandler: She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross! Ross: That’s all you’re basing this on? Chandler: That’s not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat. Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There’s a lot of theories that didn’t pan out. The lone g*n. Communism. Geometry. Chandler: Oh my God!! [Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job, she is waiting for Joshua and practising how to ask him out.] Rachel: Would you like to go to a basketball game with me? (Tries again.) You know, its funny, basketball, because I happen to have tickets too… (Tries again.) Umm, who likes the Knicks—(Joshua comes in from the dressing room.) Joshua: What do you think? Rachel: Oh! Well, as a single woman, who is available, I think you look great! Joshua: Huh. (She starts brushing the lint off and checking him out in the mirror.) Yeah? Rachel: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. (She puts her arm in his and checks how they would look as a couple.) Oh yeah. Yeah, this looks great. (Pause) Umm, so you like it? Joshua: I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think I’m gonna wear it home. Rachel: Great. Joshua: All right, thank you so much for all your help. Rachel: Sure. Joshua: Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it. Rachel: Yeah-eah-ha! Joshua: Thanks. (He starts to leave) Maybe I’ll see in the spring, with the uh, y’know, for the uh, bathing suits. Rachel: Oh well, you don’t want to do that now?! Joshua: Ah, that’s okay, thanks. Rachel: Okay. Joshua: Anyway, hopefully, I’ll see you around sometime. (He goes out the door.) Rachel: Basketball! Joshua: (coming back in) I’m sorry. Rachel: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you’re interested, just as a thank you for this week. Joshua: Wow! That would be great. Rachel: Really? Joshua: Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is fantastic, thank you so much Rachel. (He takes the tickets and leaves as Mr. Waltham returns.) Mr. Waltham: Good morning. Joshua: Hi! (Mr. Waltham admires Joshua’s butt as he leaves.) [Scene: Kathy’s apartment, Chandler is knocking on the door.] Kathy: (opening the door) Hey. Chandler: Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that I’m sorry. Y’know? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely understand why you were so upset. Kathy: Oh wow. I really wish you’d call me. Chandler: Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but y’know I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know? ‘Cause we’ve had our first fight, and now we can move on. Y’know, I know for me—(Notices a pair of men’s pants on the chair.) Nick’s pants? Kathy: Yeah. Chandler: Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is debriefing Rachel on her rejection earlier that day and telling her what she should’ve done. Ross and Phoebe are watching.] Joey: Okay, for next time, what do you say? Rachel: I have an extra ticket. An extra ticket. Not, two tickets, I have an extra ticket. Ross: So the first time you ask a guy out, he-he turns you down? Rachel: He didn’t turn me down! He’s at the game isn’t he? I got the date, I’m just not on it! Monica: (entering) Okay, it’s ready. Come on. Joey: What’s ready? Monica: Just come. (They all go over to her apartment.) Ross: Oh my God! Rachel: Wow! Monica! Phoebe: Great! Ross: This is beautiful! (She has cleaned it, completely redecorated it, removed the carpet, and polished the floor.) Phoebe: Oh did you—what did you—did you work for two days straight? Monica: Pretty much. (to Joey) So, what do you, what do you think of the floor? Joey: I don’t know, it looks the same. Monica: You used to have carpet. Joey: Oh yeah! Monica: So I made snacks. Please, just hang out okay? I’m just gonna rest my eyes just a little bit. Ross: Look, Mon, do you want us to uh, come back later? Monica: Oh no-no-no, stay, stay, stay, just keep talking. I’m always the hostess. (Chandler returns.) Ross: Hey! Joey: How’d it go? Chandler: Well, she wasn’t sleeping with him. Phoebe: Oh good! Chandler: She is now. Ross: What are you saying? Chandler: I’m saying that she… is a devil woman! Y’know I mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! I hate him, I hate her! Well, I don’t hate her, I love her. This is all my fault really. Phoebe: How? How is your fault? Chandler: Because, I-I should’ve called! Y’know if I had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would’ve gone out with Nick, and they would’ve ended up in bed together. I threw her at his man nipples! Rachel: Honey, this is not your fault, just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify her sleeping with someone. Ross: Well, if-if she thought they were on a break… (They all turn and glare at him.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is sitting at her desk as Mr. Waltham comes in.] Mr. Waltham: Rachel, one of your customers seems to have left his billfold. A Joshua Bergen. Rachel: Really? Mr. Waltham: Will you call him? Rachel: Yes! I will! Absolutely! (She takes out his license and her license and holds them face to face with each other. She then proceeds to act like Dark Helmut in Spaceballs, and mimic a conversation between the two of them.) Hello, Rachel. Hi, Joshua. I left my wallet here on purpose. Really? Yes, I just wanted to see you again. Oh, I’m glad. Rachel, I’d like to say something to you. Yes? How you doin’? END	{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "04x13 - The One With Rachel\u2019s Crush"}	foreverdreaming

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